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I didn 't actually mean to binge on this much road biking this week . I blame jet lag , which wrestles me awake well before sunrise each morning , and a bit of writer 's block , which makes me feel reluctant to return home to my computer . It 's not that I 'm necessarily stuck with my project , it 's just that I 've forgotten where I 'm going with it . It 's a bit frustrating , staring at blank screens , tapping out a few sentences and then erasing them . I want to reset my mind , and anyway I have that 25 - hour bike race to train for . So I take to the road . I winced as I placed my sore sit bones on the saddle this morning ; of all the body parts that have fallen out of shape since my August bike crash , my suddenly sensitive butt is the most noticeable . I rode 40 miles and Monday and 45 yesterday , both with 4 , 000 - plus feet of climbing , so I decided I 'd take it easy today . I brought one water bottle and no food . The sun burned hot even at 8 a . m . , foreshadowing the 95 degrees it would hit later in the day . I motored up Highway 9 , feeling strong . An hour and a half later at the crest of the climb , without even really deciding too , I kept going . Miles sure go by fast when you 're coasting downhill . I knocked off six miles and launched into a new climb , again , without really making a conscious decision to do so . Twenty miles and about 3 , 500 feet of climbing into my ride , I placed my water bottle to my lips and found it was empty . So I had no choice but to descend to the nearest water source - the headquarters of Big Basin Redwoods State Park . I 've never even ridden down into Big Basin before , which is inexcusable , really , because it 's so close to my house and such a great route for beauty , climbing and solitude . On a weekday morning , you 'd never even guess you were in the midst of one of the largest population centers in California . I saw exactly two cars , and had the rest of the narrow , shady , steep roller coaster of a road all to myself . See what I mean ? Forest as far as the eyes can see . And this is about halfway between San Jose and Santa Cruz as the seagull flies . It 's all open land - a sliver of small mountains that people nearly forgot . Except for , of course , the loggers who deforested this area about a century ago . The entire Bay - area coastline is second - growth forest at best , but the region still contains a few stunning redwood trees that loomed like towers over my tiny bicycle . I loved this ride , and never even really noticed the effort , that is , until I ran out of water again near the crest of the final climb , and my toes developed a sharp ache from too many hours in road shoes . ( Even though it 's been two and a half years since I had frostbite , my right toes can still only tolerate about three hours in hard - soled clipless shoes before I develop excruciating pressure pains . ) I ended the ride at 53 miles and 7 , 345 feet of climbing , which is way more than I intended or really felt necessary . ( Garmin map here ) But at the same time , I almost wish I took the initiative ( brought more water and food ) to ride even farther . Sometime soon I 'd love to ride all the way down to Santa Cruz , a coastal town I 'm ashamed to admit I have not yet visited . The road riding opportunities in this region really are sublime , which helps temper my reluctance to get back on my mountain bike . ( I know , I know . I need to get over this . But there hasn 't been a significant rainstorm since June , and the trails were moon - dust on top of loose gravel before the elapsed six weeks of continuing , persistent dryness . ) But I can 't wait for rain forever . Forty - six days . That 's the amount of time that has passed since the last time I experienced a good , satisfying moment on a bike . Then it all came to a skidding halt on a bed of gravel and broken dreams . Forty - six days can be a long time . There were a few rides at the four - week mark , right before I went to Europe . Three rides , actually . One was a commute , and two were short road rides on my mountain bike , because the front suspension helped protect my tender arm from the jarring pain of mildly bumpy pavement . During the second ride up Montebello Road , I lagged far behind Beat . When I finally wheezed my way to the top , where he had been waiting for more than five minutes , I announced that I was in the worst physical shape I had been in since the extended angry knee episode of 2007 . Nothing felt right , everything felt hard , my arm hurt even though it seemed nearly healed , and frustrations about my abilities were mounting . I was teetering dangerously close to a fitness funk that threatened to anchor me to the couch in sheer protest of my useless body . Then we left for Europe . The trip - one and a half crazy weeks in the Alps and one lazy week in Germany - proved the perfect medicine , the reset button I so badly needed . We returned Sunday night . Jet lag had me up at 3 a . m . Monday . I attempted to snooze , mostly unsuccessfully , until 7 , then got up to face the day . At 8 a . m . it felt to me like 5 p . m . , which is the time of day I like to exercise in my regular California routine . I wasn 't focusing well on my work anyway , so I decided to head out for my first real ride in nearly seven weeks . I pumped up my road bike tires , rifled through piles of gear to find my buried helmet and repair stuff , and set out into the refreshingly cool afternoon ( because actually , it was still early in the morning . ) It took a while to get my legs spinning , but after five miles I started to feel pretty good . Not just good - fantastic . I turned up Highway 9 and shifted into high gear for the 2 , 500 - foot ascent . My quads burned and sweat streamed down my face as I marveled at the relative ease of the effort . ( Climb a few mountains in the Alps and you will understand what I mean . ) I crested the big climb and launched into the roller coaster of Skyline Drive . Suddenly coasting at 35 miles per hour , the wind pried an enormous smile from my lips . Tears welled up in my eyes , mostly from the speed , but also a little from joy - such simple , effortless joy . I had nearly forgotten what that felt like . I thought back to a conversation I once had with a former climber who had a chronic shoulder injury and could no longer climb . He could run , ride bikes , ski , swim . . . but he couldn 't climb . And yet , he still identified as a climber and admitted that while he enjoyed running and skiing , they never quite filled the void left by climbing . As a non - climber , I wanted to assure him that trail running had as much potential for fun , fitness and scenery as rock climbing . But of course I was wrong , just as I 'm wrong when I urge injured runner friends to ride bikes as an adequate replacement for their usual activities . It 's not . I do believe most active outdoor people find their perfect medium , and these mediums are deeply individual . Like an artist who can paint beautiful landscapes with oils but only flat imitations with watercolors , we all have our one best vehicle . Mine , of course , is a bicycle . I love trail running and hiking , I have a natural ability for distance swimming , and I 'm certain I 'd still live a happy life even if I could never ride a bicycle again . For those who might be curious ( probably no one , but it 's looking slightly less disgusting these days so I 'm posting a picture ) this is my arm seven weeks after the crash . As recently as two weeks ago that deeper wound at the bottom was still bleeding , and I developed an infection in Italy that convinced me to stop wearing band - aids all the time ( thus pooling bacteria - laden sweat around it for hours on end . ) It still feels a bit raw but the deep - set soreness is all but gone - 110 psi on the rough pavement of Alpine Road today confirmed that . I came home after my three - hour , 45 - mile hilly road ride completely ecstatic about my progress , and when I told Beat he actually went into Active . com and signed me up for the 25 Hours of Frog Hollow . The 25 - hour mountain bike race in Hurricane , Utah ( which Beat and I raced together as a team last year ) is an event I 've been coveting but was reluctant to enter for a number of reasons . However , as it turns out , it 's only a few days before my sister 's wedding in Salt Lake City , making travel logistics easier , and not so close to our Nepal adventure that I can 't recover - as long as I ride conservatively , and don 't crash . So now I have a month to train for a 25 - hour solo mountain bike race after more than six weeks off the bike , and a rigid goal not to injure myself . Even if I take it easy ( and that 's my plan ) , I am going to be inclined to gut out the full 25 hours and it 's probably going to hurt . A lot . And yet , I 'm so excited . I get to ride my bike . A lot ! The binge after the fast . Beat and I have been spending a quiet recovery week at his mother 's apartment in Bielefeld , Germany . We 've both used the time to catch up on work . I had a difficult time focusing enough to complete much writing - my mind is still muddled with Italian mountains , Alaska winter dreams and borderline obsessions with cycling - but it 's been a good week to catch up on bookkeeping and work on the tedious , hair - pulling process of updating my eBooks . In the near future my digital books should finally be well - formatted with plenty of photographs and will look awesome on iPad and pretty good on Kindle . I 'm looking forward to this , but in the meantime I 'm slogging through the ePub process and exchanging communications with a company in California that is nine hours off my current time . Yes , it has not been the most productive week , work - wise , but arguably more productive than my week in Italy . Arguably . I 'm excited to be in Germany and have tried to get out for explorations , although I can only go as far as my feet will carry me , so my range has been rather limited . There are a number of beautiful trails around Bielefeld . The area reminds me of southeastern Ohio , with its rolling hills , lush green forests , and wide valleys of sectioned farmland , villages and the city . I rode my bicycle across Ohio at this exact time of year in 2003 , so my explorations have filled me with bicycle touring nostalgia . Have I mentioned I am dying to go for a bike ride ? Even a mellow cruise on a road bike would make me feel exceedingly happy . Although I did manage a few mellow commute - type rides in the days leading up to our Europe trip , it 's effectively been six weeks since I 've ridden a bicycle . My injured arm is at about 95 percent these days and my mind is almost reeling with bike lust . Seriously . I can 't focus . I have to keep reminding myself that I 'm in Germany and that in itself is pretty awesome . I did look into bike rentals but availability was limited and the logistics discouraging . I decided to run through the week instead . Meanwhile , Beat 's mom has been spoiling us with regular home - cooked meals , daily trips to the bakery , more chocolate that we could ever eat ( I say this , although it 's almost gone now ) , rich German yogurt in an assortment of flavors and an endless supply of Pepsi Light . I actually lost a few pounds while I was in Italy , but I 'm quickly packing all of that back on and more here in Germany . It 's just as well . Beat needed the recovery . He 's slept a fair amount this week and even gotten out for a couple of active recovery runs . He 's doing well except for some nagging pains in his Achilles . And we 're both enjoying Beat 's mom 's kitten , Filou . It has been a good week for running . Thanks to the climbing volume of last week a bit of nagging knee pain I haven 't put in any " fast " runs , but my progress has been good . I transitioned from completely empty legs during an hour - long walk on Monday to feeling strong during my 20 - mile run today . For my " Tour of Bielefeld " I started going on walks with Beat 's mom 's partner , Peter . These were fairly quiet outings , as Peter doesn 't speak much English and I speak even less German . But he pointed out all of the notable sights to me , including the University , a large school that is famous for its ugliness . Indeed , the buildings look like they were designed by 1960s Hollywood sci - fi set designers - futuristic retro . Beat got his master 's degree there , so I 'm sure he has lots of fond memories of the place . Peter and I walked 7 . 5 kilometers on Monday and 15 kilometers on Tuesday ( 14 miles total ) . On Wednesday I ran twice , an 11 . 5 - mile morning run in which I was vaguely lost the entire time , and a 5 . 5 - mile recovery run with Beat in the afternoon , for a total of 17 miles . On Thursday we ran 7 . 5 miles , and I did 20 today on the Hermannsweg Trail . The " H " Trail was actually a lot of fun , all along a narrow ridge with tough climbs , rocky descents and fantastic valley views . The whole route is 156 km - might be fun to come back and run the entire thing someday . The H Trail also allows cycling , so maybe the better idea is to come back and ride the whole thing . I admit I spent way too much time this week fantasizing about cycling . I saw these signs and imagined an illustration with a backpack - clad runner chick tackling the rude mountain biker and stealing his bike . We return to California on Sunday . I will miss Europe . But I 'm excited to see my cat . . . and my five bicycles . I admit I was surprised when Beat got out of bed at 6 a . m . Saturday morning . I expected him to pass out after his shower Saturday night and not wake up for days . Or maybe I was hoping for this . Either way , despite his apparent inability to walk without a pronounced limp , he was still all - in for the half marathon in Switzerland that afternoon . We expected Steve and Harry to arrive in Courmayeur by early morning . But a results check revealed they were still about five hours away , so we had to roll away without seeing them finish . I drove through the seven - mile - long Mont Blanc tunnel , along the rough and narrow roads of France , around at least three dozen roundabouts ( have I mentioned how much I miss traffic lights ? Yes , I miss them ) , onto the smooth and narrow roads of Switzerland , and finally onto a real freeway while Beat drifted in and out of consciousness , but mostly out . We arrived at Beat 's brother 's farmhouse at 11 a . m . , ate a quick brunch of fresh bread , cheese and local yogurt ( all of which I absolutely gorged on ) , and were back on the road by 12 : 30 , en route to Lake Greifensee . I snoozed most of the way to the half marathon and awoke just as Andy pulled into a series of farm fields filled with thousands of cars . I got a side stitch just walking to the bus , and was still in disbelief that we were actually going to do this race . Beat couldn 't even put his shoes all the way on without wincing in pain . I felt as though the liquid lead in my bloodstream had finally solidified . I took comfort in my conviction that Beat would probably be forced to walk the entire thing , and I could just walk with him , you know , in the name of being a supportive girlfriend . Beat , for his part , did not look extremely enthusiastic either . He wrapped his feet in gauze and then removed it , then second - guessed that . We picked up our race numbers - in the 10 , 000s - and our suggested start time , 3 : 50 p . m . Because more than 15 , 000 people run the annual Greifenseelauf , the race incorporates a staggered start and tracks times with electronic chips . The finish area was still more crowded than Disneyland . In fact , the whole place had a very Disneyland feel - like the queue around the ( fake ) Matterhorn Bobsleds , with quaint Swiss mountain decor and $ 4 . 50 bottles of soda ( make that 4 . 50 Swiss francs , which are worth more than dollars . ) The main difference is that here , the sodas are warm , and instead of feeling sick to your stomach after riding too many roller coasters , you get to feel sick before a thirteen - mile run . Still , amid the nausea and dread , there was a little buzz of excitement . I 've never run a road race before , even a 5K . All of my foot races have been on trails . To run with this many thousands of people in a foreign country expanded the already large novelty of my first half marathon . We had to walk three kilometers just to reach the race start and queued up with the cattle line of runners . As soon as we reached the starting line , Beat 's brother took off like a flash and even Beat started pounding the pavement to the tune of sub - nine - minute miles . I realize this isn 't all that fast but given the circumstances , I had my doubts that he would hold this pace for very long . After all this time , it 's strange how I still underestimate him . Despite his hamburger feet , Beat stubbornly held his pace and I lost track of him after an aid station near 11 kilometers . After downing several cups of " wasser , " my sour stomach finally started to settle , but my twisted knee was sore enough to convince me to just settle in at an easy pace . After this , I really enjoyed myself . It seemed like half of Zurich turned out to cheer on the runners , and there were big parties going on at every intersection . The race was meticulously well - organized , in true Swiss fashion , and I enjoyed the fact they put names on all of the race bibs . People would cheer me on as I passed , and I discovered Swiss people have a beautiful way of saying my name - they roll both the first and last consonants so it almost sounds like three syllables instead of one . The name Jill must have revealed me as an English speaker as well because they would tell others to " Hopp Hopp ! " but I more often received a " Go , Zzzshilllll , you can do it ! " I saw Beat one more time at an out - and - back section ; he was nearly a kilometer in front of me . And then , just like that , the race was over . I couldn 't believe how quickly it went . I finished in 2 : 07 . Beat finished right at two hours , less than 24 hours after finishing the 128 - hour Tor des Geants . I really enjoyed my first half marathon experience . There 's something a little magical about running in a Disneyland setting , especially when you come into it with extremely low expectations and thus can just relax and enjoy the experience . Could I run faster ? Undoubtably , although I 'm not sure I 'd want to try . Road running is pretty rough on my knees and hips ; as I discovered in cycling , my body doesn 't respond well when motion becomes too repetitive . I will say that running thirteen miles of road at a two - hour pace ( okay , okay , 2 : 07 ) felt physically easier than any single two - hour span that I hiked in the Alps . So , as far as I 'm concerned , I already ran about 22 half marathons while I was in Italy . ( I kid , I kid . . . sort of . ) Despite my inability to take care of it , my body showed surprising resilience to my demands of supporting Beat all night followed by hiking all day . But on Friday morning , that all came to a crashing halt , and I woke up feeling like someone injected liquid lead into my bloodstream during the night . I wasn 't entirely surprised , given that I had climbed anywhere from 5 , 000 to 11 , 000 feet every day but one for the past eight days , endured hundreds of kilometers of stressful driving , slept an average of three hours a night , and fueled myself with a sporadic diet that contained about 90 percent simple carbohydrates . Still , I can 't overemphasize how crappy I felt when Beat dialed in his daily dawn update to tell me he was starting up the final pass of the Tor des Geants . I mumbled that I would likely not get out of bed for the rest of the day . Of course , thanks to my extended bout of jet lag insomnia I couldn 't sleep anyway , so I got up and cleaned the apartment , organized Beat 's gear , and packed up so he wouldn 't have to worry about anything after he finished . Beat called again from the top of Col de Malatra and asked me if I wanted to meet him for the final stretch . I hadn 't planned to , given this was his moment to shine , but I did appreciate an opportunity to share what I imagined was the extremely satisfying experience for him . I dragged quite a lot on the way out of town , but picked up energy again on the steep climb to Refugio Bertoni . I caught Beat running along the flat traverse a couple of miles later . He said running felt better on his painful feet , but caused a number of other problems that he was only occasionally willing to deal with . I wasn 't faring too well myself with a still - sore twisted knee and deep fatigue , and whenever Beat ran I actually struggled to hold his pace . As we started down the final steep descent , he mentioned possibly leaving Italy that night for Switzerland , a four - hour drive to his brother 's house near Zurich . In a twist of Beat 's borderline - masochistic sense of humor , we were both signed up for a half - marathon the following day : The Internationaler Greifenseelauf , a massive event with more than 15 , 000 participants . The reasoning behind this crazy plan was to : A , allow Beat to spend time with his brother , who was registered for the race ; B , continue one of Beat 's regular traditions ; C , be a unique first road race experience for me ; and D , secure bragging rights for Beat ( " My warmup run was only 200 miles . Do you think that 's enough ? " ) However , over the course of the arduous week , I had come to believe that the half marathon could not possibly be a serious plan . Even less fathomable was driving four hours that night when Beat wouldn 't finish the race until 6 p . m . and hadn 't even given himself a single minute to recover . " You can 't possibly still be thinking about that stupid race , " I snapped back . My comment was mostly directed and convincing Beat that I was exhausted and had no business driving that night , but it was the wrong way of saying it , and the words " stupid race " really irritated him . I instantly felt bad about it given the last thing I wanted to do was steal his thunder , which is why I hadn 't planned to meet him on the trail in the first place . I tried to dial it back and apologize , but we were both up against a raw edge . When we reached the pavement of town , Beat broke into a celebratory sprintI 'm incredibly proud of Beat and grateful to have shared in a small part of his experience . The little support I offered him was really for my own satisfaction ; he didn 't really need my back massages , dessert deliveries and commiseration , although I like to think that maybe I contributed a small part to the mental fortitude that led to his success . And of course supporting Beat meant traveling with him to Europe , which has been such a great experience for me . Some have asked if my first venture outside North America has been strange for me , and in some ways - the terrible soda options and the driving - it has . But here in these beautiful mountains , among people who love mountains , is in other ways as close as I ever feel to home . The days were all starting to blur together , as were the names of the TDG life bases . I 'd forgotten the name of this one within minutes after I arrived around 11 p . m . Like the other checkpoints , it was stashed in a quaint mountain town at the end of a long and winding canyon road . The white tent was wedged in a small plaza between several hotels , where street lights flickered in dull streaks of orange amid the race 's overwhelming flood lights . I parked the car under the artificial midnight sun , read my Kindle , and eventually dozed off only to be awoken by Beat tapping on the window at 1 : 30 a . m . It 's an intriguing environment , these events where people from a multitude of different nationalities come and go in the night , but all share the common and often debilitating condition of being human . In places such as this I get the sense that there is no nationalism , no language barriers , only fragile biological beings trying to endure something quite difficult and painful . They have their individual reasons for being here , their personal goals and backgrounds , but they all have the same drooping look in their eyes , the same drunken stagger in their steps , the same ashen faces , hunched postures and quaking hands as they clutch lukewarm plates of pasta . Sitting with Beat inside the white tent , I would often forget where I was until I mentioned something to a nearby racer , who would then regard me with a blank stare and mumble something back in French or German or Italian . We didn 't need language to communicate , though ; their eyes said so much more than words - I am tired . My mind is liquid . I have forgotten my name . But I feel so alive . I do not know why . My own mind was starting to slip away . Despite GPS 's flawless directions , I lost my way driving down the canyon road and made a few circles around the deserted streets of a stone village before finding my way back to the highway and home at 4 : 30 a . m . Beat called at first light , about 6 a . m . , absolutely elated about the scenery he was looking at - a dramatic emotional upswing that he wanted to share . I was unable to doze back off after that , so I spent the morning attempting some work and blogging in Courmayeur before recruiting Martina to join me on my next life base trip that evening . We arrived at Ollomont early enough to hike up Col Brison before I expected Beat to arrive at his final life base , about fifty kilometers from the finish . It wasn 't quite early enough to make it to the Col and back before dark , so after the first two thousand feet of climbing , I amped up my pace to near - max . For me , few things are more physically and emotionally satisfying tAnd , in the midst of this elation , I think about whether I could take on a race like the Tor des Geants . Like the Tour Divide , it 's a race that fits many of my interests and strengths . The sheer length , steepness and technicality of the course forces even the fastest competitors into trekking mode - it 's a hiking race , not a trail run . I am a clumsy and slow runner , but I 'm a good hiker - indeed , I 'm often faster when I 'm in hiking mode versus trying to shuffle up these steep slopes . I also do a lot less damage to my own body when I don 't try to run - my tender feet can feel pretty trashed after a six - hour 50K , but all of the hiking I did this week had no effect on my feet , and only a little on my legs . To a certain extent I can operate okay on heavy sleep deprivation as long as I keep the calories coming in . And as long as I don 't trash my feet ( admittedly , this is quite unlikely over that much distance ) and eat enough , I think I could thrive in the environment of the Tor des Geants . And of course , I could just hike the whole Alta Via della Valle d ' Aosta without the structure of a race . I would love this , but at the same time , there is a side of me that relishes in the extreme challenge offered by the TDG , made possible by the support of the race organization and the simple drive to complete the course in a time that might otherwise be impossible . Racing is motivation to push beyond suffering and personal limits , and in its own way , suffering becomes a meaningful and rewarding experience in itself . It 's why , if I ever go back to the Tour Divide , I don 't think I would be satisfied to tour the GDMBR at a leisurely pace , even though I love bicycle touring . No , the GDMBR carries a different meaning for me , and I 'm not sure I could return without the drive to complete the course faster and better than I did the first time . Different experiences , racing and touring . Both good , but undeniably different . Indeed , I loved my tour up Col Brison . I arrived at the pass right at sunset in a wash of magical light , feelinBeat was in a lot of pain when he reached the refugio . His feet were hamburger , he told us , a wrap of blisters that burned like fire and muscle sensitivity that made every step feel like a plunge into a bowl of thumb tacks . After spending the evening almost believing that I could take on the Tor des Geants , looking at Beat 's near - bloody feet was another dose of reality about just how difficult this race really is . A long mountain bike race is one thing , and can hurt , but not in nearly the same way . In a foot race , the body experiences all of the impact , and when something goes wrong , there 's nothing to fall back on - no shocks , no coasting , no wheels . My feet are my own weak link , and in my experiences , there 's really no pain quite as agonizing during a physical effort as hurty feet . We traveled together down to Ollomont , where Beat decided to sleep for two hours before having the race medics tape his feet . Martina was sweet and waited with me until Beat woke up so I could see him off and take his bag , given this was the last major checkpoint . Beat limped away from Ollomont at about 1 : 30 a . m . , into another long night . After my ten - hour strenuous hike , having finally crawled into bed at 11 p . m . , I was back up at 2 a . m . to begin the two - hour drive out to Gressoney . Timing Beat 's checkpoint arrivals was a mystery wrapped in an enigma of guesswork . I at least had last year 's splits to go on , and he was generally running similar times about three to six hours ahead of his 2010 pace . But timing Beat 's exact arrival required exhausting margins . If I estimated he would arrive around 6 a . m . , I really had to be at the checkpoint by 4 , and not be terribly surprised when he didn 't show up until 8 . The Tor des Geants life bases were not exactly welcoming of crew members . We weren 't even allowed inside the buildings unless our racers were physically there and a kind volunteer let us slip through the controls . I learned to get comfortable in my little rented Volkswagon compact , snacking on jam sandwiches and occasionally getting out of the car to jog a few blocks to stay warm , because gas is expensive in Europe . Beat was tired and quietly cranky when he checked out of Gressoney at 9 : 30 a . m . I followed him along the first five kilometers out of the base along a rushing glacial river . We moved along at a pace that can only be described as painfully slow , about 2 mph on a flat river path , as Beat tried to put his game face back on . Accompanying us was a Russian runner who had become so tired on the second night that he walked right off the trail into a head - over - feet tumble down a scree slope , smashing his face and badly spraining his nose . He was wrapped in gauze and sniffing loudly through his swollen purple nose , ranting about the lack of Neosporin at the life bases . " They have everything to fix feet and no Neosporin , " he repeated incessantly while Beat argued with him about the merits of the antiseptic ointment . I probably would have found this all hilarious if I wasn 't grappling with my own sour stomach from sleep deprivation and an admittedly poor diet . Pacing is prohibited in the Tor des Geants , although short periods of accompaniment are viewed as okay . So I couldn 't hike with Beat , but I had driven all the way out here and wanted to explore , so I broke away and headed up the steep trail on my own . Like every pass on this wide loop , the trail was rocky and relentless . The trail signs listing elevations in meters consistently fooled me into underestimating the effort . A climb from 1 , 200 meters to 2 , 700 meters doesn 't seem so bad , until you realize that the relatively small number converts to nearly 5 , 000 feet . But the horizontal distances are relatively short , and if you 're willing to expend a gallon of sweat , these climbs can go by surprisingly fast . Despite his slow plod along the river , Beat consistently shadowed me about a quarter mile back , and admitted he used my bright green hat in the distance as a rabbit of sorts to pick up his pace . From Col Pinter , I noticed yellow trail markers continuing up the shale toward a high peak , and figured I might as well go for broke . Keep in mind that I hiked ten hours the day before , hadn 't slept , hadn 't really eaten much , hadn 't brought all that much water for my " short " morning walk , and still felt like roadkill . But comparing myself to Beat , I felt no justification to slack off or complain . As " trail " 11A crested the summit ridge , it became increasingly more rugged and technical . I am normally extremely shy when it comes to exposed scrambling , especially when I am alone and there 's no one around to spot my broken body on the rocks , but I admit I can be swept with summit fever . The marked route also fooled me into a false sense of security that landed me well outside my comfort zone , clinging to a precipice over what looked like , and literally was , a 7 , 000 - foot tumble down to the Gressoney valley . All I can say is that if we were in the States , what passes for a hiking trail in the Alps could easily be labeled class four and even lower class five bouldering , incorporating crack climbing and all . At one point I just had to ditch my poles and was unwilling to relinquish my three - point contact , so I just propped them against the wall . It didn 't seem necessary to fold them up and put them in my pack because I would be back at this spot within minutes , and I hadn 't seen a single other person since the Col . On the final pitch , I had to press my back against the wall to allow another hiker to go by , a man who only grunted when I said " buon giorno " in a breathless whisper . I didn 't think anything of it . He descended quickly and was already moving along the summit ridge while I made my final overcautiously slow ascent . I basically did little more than tag the top and start back down before vertigo really kicked in and involuntary crying commenced . ( I didn 't cry . I did come close . ) I was angry at myself for pushing so far beyond my personal limits and blamed sleep deprivation for clouding my judgement . I was nearly " safe " when I reached the place where my poles should have been , and they weren 't there . I had laid them horizontally on a solid ledge , so the chance they fell off was extremely slim , and even so I scanned the surrounding area several times over . They were simply gone , and the best explanation I had was that this one hiker dude actually stole them , right out from under me . I was more sad than angry , as it was my fault for ditching them , and also because I really liked these lightweight carbon Black Diamond poles . I bought them in Anchorage right before the Susitna 100 and they essentially saved my race , and have been trusty hiking companions ever since . Not to mention they weren 't cheap , but what made me even more sad was the fact I was now going to have to descend 7 , 000 feet of steep , rocky trail without poles . To the random hiker dude who didn 't even say good morning back to me and then stole my poles : I hope they break and you fall on your face and sprain your nose . I later learned the peak I climbed was Testa Grigia , a 3 , 315 - meter ( 10 , 875 - foot ) peak that 's famous for skiing and even has a bivy hut stationed just below the summit ridge ( I saw it , but was too sad about my poles and mentally exhausted from vertigo to check it out . ) Then it was just down , down , down , to wrap up a twelve - mile hike that took eight solid hours . Testa Grigia looked impressive from the valley , with its stark gray wall and crown of clouds . On the way back to town I met up with Angela from Canada and Anne from Anchorage , who were traveling together out of the Gressoney life base . I turned around to walk with them for a bit . We passed an Italian bakery and I mentioned off - hand that I was absolutely starving and would likely hit this place after I returned . Angela turned to Anne and said , " We 're vacationing in Italy . I haven 't even had a real Italian pastry yet . Let 's go get something . " We all went inside together and Angela treated everyone to apple pastries while I quietly stocked up on breadsticks , tuna and apples for sustenance for my next long life base wait . I was impressed with Angela 's attitude . She seemed so laid back in the midst of this effort that was burying me in much smaller doses , and she appeared to be truly enjoying herself . Anne unfortunately was hurting , and during our bakery excursion decided she should drop from the race to avoid cementing a reoccurring case of plantar faciitis . I walked with her back to the base as she explained to all of the departing racers that she was dropping out and they all enthusiastically encouraged her to sleep on it first . Amazing attitudes , all of them . I also saw my friends Steve and Harry just before we reached the life base . They seemed extremely out of it and initially reacted like they didn 't even recognize me . I warned them about the rough climb ahead and Harry insisted that the trail to the first refugio " wasn 't steep " because it didn 't look that way on the elevation profile , even though I had just told him I was actually there two hours earlier and personally clocked it gaining 1 , 200 feet in three quarters of a mile . I didn 't feel compelled to argue with him , because in a race like this , denial can be an effective strategy . I left my friends and began the long - way - around drive to the next life base and the long night ahead . On Tuesday I had a good block of daylight between my life base trips , so I decided to squeeze in my long hike for the week . I mapped a route following the Tor des Geants course backward to Col de Malatra , which is the last pass in the race , then crossing overland to complete a loop over two passes , for a total of three big climbs and a good chunk of distance . I slept late because , to be honest , sleep has been a rare commodity during this trip , as food has also been . The food is delicious when I can get it , but Italian culture is not conducive to an on - the - go lifestyle , with its mid - day store closures and complete lack of convenience stores and supermarkets . I often have a very difficult time acquiring food when I need it the most , and have taken to eating bread and jam sandwiches for more meals than I care to admit . At this point my stomach doesn 't even really care about pizza and authentic pasta , it just wants calories . It 's funny to come all the way to Italy and lose almost all interest in the quality of food in favor of quantity . My Americanism shines through . But , yes , I at least got a more normal amount of sleep ( read , more than four hours ) and got going around 10 a . m . I passed the Tor des Geants course markers on my way out the Trail du Mont Blanc , preparing for the race finish . It was more than 48 hours into the 200 - mile race and no one was even close to finishing . Ultimately the winner would come in at 6 p . m . Wednesday , a finishing time of 81 hours . Consider this against the 100 - mile Ultra Trail du Mont Blanc , which the top runners finish in just over 20 hours . The climb to Col de Malatra was long , nearly 12 miles on a rolling traverse that included about 6 , 500 feet of climbing . But besides the TDG flags it was just me out there , lost in a massive Alpine moonscape . I saw mountain bike tracks on this trail . Six thousand feet of descending - must be a grunt to get the bikes up here but fully awesome to ride down . I was certainly jealous . I crested Col Sapin at about 6 p . m . , having walked nearly continuously for eight hours . I didn 't make many stops because I didn 't really have any food beyond a couple of jam sandwiches and some candy I scrounged out of Beat 's rejected race food pile . I vowed to make a real effort to go grocery shopping the following day . I finally tromped back to my apartment at 8 p . m . after 24 miles and 11 , 300 feet of climbing - a truly challenging and beautiful solo outing . It was too late to go to the now - closed grocery store and I was too tired and hungry to deal with the leisurely ( read : drawn - out ) waits and dainty portions of the local restaurants , so I scrounged some Barilla pasta and a can of crushed tomatoes for dinner . It was the most delicious dinner ever . As Beat has said about his own limited food choices in the Tor des Geants , there 's no seasoning quite like hunger . My fifth day in Italy was a challenge of coordination , as Martina and I both wanted to meet our men at the second life base in the skiing town of Cogne and also do a bit of hiking ourselves . I made my second attempt at navigating the roads of northern Italy , which has only been remotely possible thanks to a GPS device that Beat purchased during his last race in France . If it wasn 't for GPS , I 'd probably be driving in circles down in Torino at this point . I 'm still learning to read traffic signs , none of the roads are marked , and even if they were , and every street has a name at least sixteen syllables long , beginning with Strada and continuing on for several seconds in GPS 's soothing female voice . The most amazing thing about driving here is the A5 highway , which is mostly routed directly through the mountains in a series of tunnels . The mountain roads are all incredibly winding and narrow and barely squeeze between centuries - old stone buildings . Even the driving here is treacherous , beautiful and exciting . Martina and I hiked toward Col Loson , which at 3 , 200 meters is the highest pass on the course . I only made it five miles to 8 , 000 feet elevation before I caught up with Beat , who was coming down the pass two hours earlier than I expected . He was noticeably tired and limping a bit , and said that he felt more worked than he did after the 2009 Hardrock 100 , just 100 kilometers into the Tor des Geants with 230 more to go . But he did still look strong going down the steep trail toward Cogne . Col Loson looses more than 6 , 000 feet of pure elevation from the top of the pass to the valley . Although Col Loson has one of the more dramatic elevation changes , there are 24 similar passes in this race . Twenty four . But even amid the pain and fatigue , he was anxious to move on . This I can understand . It 's not just about beautiful scenery and challenge - if it was , Beat would just do what I 'm doing , hiking when I feel like hiking and sipping espressos at cafes while I wait for racers to come through town . The suffering is an important part of the experience , a way to draw deeper meaning and understanding from the barrage of sensory input and reduced inhibitions . I can appreciate what Beat is trying to do even as I struggle to fathom it .
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I was thrust into caregiving when my son was in a tragic accident but soon found that there 's a whole world of " us " out there ! Many times we find ourselves alone . Even the church can disappear quickly and good friends distance themselves because our world has changed . But God does not change with circumstance . My faith is what has carried me through and these devotions will hopefully help us all make one more day - encouraged in Him . Any given day our minds can be full and busy getting tasks associated with caregiving lined up and done . Take my week for example . It 's the last week of the month and it seems like all the health professionals wait until the very last second to do their visits . Then they expect m to jump through hoops rearranging things to make room for them in an already tight schedule . Fortunately and unfortunately they are all doing them today . A new aide , the doctor and the case manager are all coming today . I don 't see getting anything done today . These kinds of busy days it can be difficult to get your mind on anything other than just surviving . How am I supposed to be able to set my mind on things above or keep my mind focused on eternity ? Can we stay focused on Him and His kingdom when time seems like it 's just being sucked away ? When the days get hectic beyond control it 's important to remember that we remain hidden in Him . When our front door seems to be a swinging door at Grand Central Station , I have to remember that He is my peace . What we see doesn 't really matter . I have to train my mind to stay on the things that last - the things that affect eternity . Today I will try to stay focused on the state of my heart . I will turn my thoughts and heart to being hidden in Him even in the hectic times of life . My meditations will be on keeping Him as the focus of my life - and I will keep my heart always pointed in His direction . Will you join me ? As a caregiver , we can play many roles and wear lots of hats all at the same time . People looking in often don 't realize that there is a lot more to us than just caregiving - even though it consumes a lot of our lives . Sometimes I feel totally scattered ; my thoughts and life feel like they are going in many different directions all at once . The caregiver can be caught in a very fractured life . Colossians 2 : 10 says that we are complete in Him . Even though our lives can feel shattered or scattered , and we don 't enjoy some of the " freedoms " others seem to have , we are not fractured . We are whole . In many instances caregiving brought hurt and confusion into our lives and quite honestly , in many cases it never goes away we just learn to deal . I 'm still trying to come to grips with the fact that this is what my life looks like from here on out . And one of my biggest challenges is trying to prepare for when I 'm gone . It 's not a fun thought - but it has to be considered . But even though a caregiver 's life may feel broken , scattered or fractured , our spirit / soul remains complete , full and whole in Him . Becoming a caregiver doesn 't change our status as a believer . His words ( every single one of them ) are still true . We still bear fruit , we are still hidden in Him - and we may have moved in just a little closer - He is still our rock , our source , our comfort , our strength and our song ! Our " completeness " or " wholeness " does not rely on any life status - it rests solely on Him . And He didn 't change a bit when I became a caregiver . Colossians 2 : 1 - 15 is still true for caregivers or it 's not true at all ! Today I will meditate on the truth that I am whole in Him - He completes me . I will turn my thoughts to the fact that He has still removed my sin - I have been baptized with Christ and raised with Him to live triumphantly . Today I will rejoice that I am whole and there is nothing that can make me un - whole . Nothing can take me out of Him - or Him out of me . Will you join me ? In many instances , caregivers can feel out of touch or out of sync with the " real " world simply because most of our lives are lived in a cave . We can tend to be on either side of the spectrum . One , we are trapped there ; or two , we feel safer in our caregiver 's cave even though we are alone . Personally , there have been periods of time when I didn 't have the capability to get out and there have been times I 've preferred being tucked away in mu cave . But God 's word does not know any boundaries whether they exist only in our mind , or if they are an invisible barrier we put up ourselves . God can reach all the way into the depths of despair . He can see past the walls we build to keep ourselves in , and others out . His love can reach all the way into our life - mangled hearts . In Colossians 1 : 5 - 6 , Paul is speaking to the Christian believers when he says that the Word of God bears fruit from the time we first hear it . And guess what ! His word does not stop bearing fruit in us when we become a caregiver . It is constantly bearing fruit and is displayed in our lives as love , joy , peace , patience , kindness , , goodness , faithfulness , gentleness and self - control . ( Galations 5 : 22 - 23 ) Once we allow His word to gain entrance into our hearts , it is always at work in us no matter what our circumstances are . He never says , " This is too much for me to handle " or " I can 't work with that . " Instead He draws near to those with a broken heart and says , " I can work with that . " It 's simply up to us to yield to the Word 's work in our lives . Today I will yield my heart to the work of the Word in me . I will embrace the changes His ever abiding presence brings to my heart and life . My meditations will be on allowing God in my space so that He can continue to work to bring forth fruit in my heart and life . Will you join me ? Philippians 4 : 19 is going to finish out our little journey through Philippians . My God will supply all your need according to His riches in glory . Those of us who grew up in church know we learned this one early on . It was also used by our parents when we didn 't get or couldn 't have something we wanted . As we learn to be content in Him and with Him as we talked about in yesterday 's devotion , our list of needs begin to shrink . I think some of that comes with age too as we learn to distinguish the things that have true value . We all have the same basic needs like food , shelter and love ; but beyond that our needs can vary greatly . 1 Timothy 6 : 6 reminds us that godliness with contentment is great gain . I have to admit that during this caregiving journey I 've had some very tight almost suffocating financial situations . Anxious thoughts try to take over my mind and infiltrate my life . But in those moments I stop and talk myself through it by saying things like I have food , shelter , electricity , and my cable is still on so I can work today . Once I realize I am not missing anything today I can function . It doesn 't make any money drop out of the heavens but it allows me to get a grip on my emotions . Since this caregiving journey started I have to say God has certainly provided all along the way . But I could say that about my whole life including BC ( before caregiving ) . If any of us were asked today what our most pressing need was , what would we answer ? We could have a lot of different responses based on our level of perceived needs . Our collaborative list might look something like this : We might present a list a mile long . Do you remember the scripture where God asked Solomon what he wanted and Solomon said wisdom ? It was the most encapsulating answer anyone could give . It was like saying everything since wisdom is the key that unlocks all the doors ! Well I think our answer to What do you need ? is just as encapsulating and all - inclusive . We simply need Him . Solomon said in Proverbs 3 : 32b - He is intimate with the upright . I was reading that this morning and it had a reference to Job 29 : 4 where Job said the friendship of God was over my tent . These are two very different views of needing Him . Here Solomon is sitting in the king 's palace with the world at his fingertips ; and Job is sitting in a pile of ashes having literally lost everything . Yet they both speak of intimacy with God . I must conclude that this is our most basic need . As angry as I 've been with God about allowing all this journey to happen ; and as upsetting as the caregiving journey has been at times - I always come back to my knees . I have to admit my desperate need for Him . He is my every need . The rest is irrelevant . Paul said that he counted all things as loss in comparison to knowing Christ . Today I will meditate on the truth that God is my most basic need . I will turn my thoughts toward Him and seek His intimacy . I will purposefully be aware that He is on this caregiving journey with me . I will be content with that . Will you join me ? Posted by Caregiving is one of the hardest things I 've ever done ; and I 've done a lot of " above average " things . I have started and ran my own freelance business , taught junior high math , hiked 10 mile wilderness trails and run a marathon . I also got rid of all my stuff at one point and picked up and moved half way across the country all by myself to stay with people I had never met . But as I read this familiar scripture one more time , it didn 't seem to fit exactly like it did before . In Philippians 4 : 13 Paul says I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me . Paul wrote it while sitting in jail . He wrote it to encourage the Philippians . What did he really mean ? If we look at it contextually , it might not mean what we thought . We 've used it for every tight spot in life and for an encouragement to get things done that we thought we couldn 't do . While that might not be a bad thing , it doesn 't seem to be the context of the verse . Looking at the entire passage we will see that Paul is talking about being content . He 's not really talking about doing . In the preceding verse the apostle is speaking of having plenty and doing without . He was discussing learning a great lesson - that God is the same no matter what our situation is ; and we can make it through any circumstances because Christ is in us strengthening us for the journey . For the caregiver this means we can make it whether our friends walk it with us or not , whether we are in or out of a local church , and whether or not we have sleep . That 's important to the caregiver - and many times it is a basic need we lack . No matter what a day or night throws our way - we have to learn to be content with it . It will make things go much smoother . When my son was injured and I was catching a flight from Chicago back to Shreveport to be with him , I was stopped by security . I was targeted because I had one carry on bag , bought a one way ticket and purchased it just a couple hours prior to the flight . Not only did they thoroughly search me , they took everything out of my bag and spread it all out to ensure I didn 't have any explosives . I was really in a state of shock or I might not have been so patient . They actually thanked me for my patience . Without even thinking I looked up and said , " Would it have made it go any faster had I been impatient ? " They laughed and said , " not really . " I told them with tears in my eyes that I was just trying to get to my son . They understood . We can be as content or un - content as we want and it will not make the caregiving journey any easier . It 's important to learn to deal with it the best we can , and be content in Him . Then we will find that we have the strength to endure . We will find that we can do all things through Christ as He gives us His strength for the journey . Today I will meditate on His strength in me . I will think about being content with the journey ; and being content with Him no matter where I am on the journey . My thoughts will be on the truth that in an ever changing situation , He remains constant . No matter what life throws at me today - He is still faithful . I 'm content with that . Will you join me ? I enjoy taking pictures of nature and BC ( before caregiving ) I used to enjoy hiking . One of the things I liked so much about being out in the wilderness area was when nature would surprise me with a burst of color . It was always amazing to me how I 'd be in the deep woods miles from anything , maybe even climbing a relatively rough terrain scattered with rocks and out of nowhere would pop up the daintiest little flowers . It always made me smile . This morning when I was looking for some sort of picture to put here I had my choice between just 2 or 3 I 'd taken from my small backyard . Then I had this thought , none of these flowers are there - not one of them exists today . It almost made me sad to think that they are just here for a short time and then they faded away . it can seem like our whole lives are that way at times . Honestly , sometimes I feel really cheated by life . It can seem like I had several spots in my life where there were colorful bursts only to be denied my hopes and dreams . If I do not control my mind it can lead to depression and distress . I wonder if that is how Paul felt while he was sitting in prison writing Philippians 4 : 8 . He told the believers to think about things that are : Well , I must admit , my mind wanders a bit from these kinds of thoughts . Okay , so it wanders a long ways away from these types of thoughts . Like the flowers , it can be there - and then gone . Paul is one who understood adversity - yet he instructs us to control our minds and keep them on good things . He had to understand how difficult that was sitting in his prison cell separated and isolated similar to us . I first learned this verse as a little girl in Missionettes . It was along about the same time we were learning to embroider ( because that 's what girls were supposed to do ) . I was concentrating so hard because I found it a very difficult task , that I embroidered my hooped material to my skirt . Of course I didn 't know it until I stood up ! lol Such a fun memory now although I thought my world had ended that afternoon ! Over the years I ended up teaching this scripture to my children and in a variety of church settings . And I have to say it still takes work - especially some days . But it is so worth it and makes our day and our attitude go so much better when we train our mind to focus on what is true , honorable , just , pure , lovely and of a good report . Today I will purposefully keep my mind on things that are good . When my thoughts begin to wander and doubts try to take over I will crowd them out with honorable , pure thoughts . I will keep my mind on Him today with intention . Will you join me ? Be anxious for nothing . That 's what Paul told the believers in Philippians 4 : 6 . Obviously they didn 't have a handicap van and people parking in the way of the lift in a clearly marked restricted area ! ( People wrongfully taking handicap spots is one of my pet peeves btw . ) As a caregiver you know how anxious life can be at times , or all the times sometimes . Surely Paul would rethink these instructions were he here today , or maybe he wouldn 't . Every single day there are constant opportunities to be anxious , sometimes it even feels like we are living anxious . If we do not guard ourselves we can be one huge bundle of anxious as we walk through the day . And it can take the smallest thing to cause us to explode . One of the strategies I use for dealing with anxious thoughts is to turn them into prayers . Sometimes , when I remember , I turn them into thankful prayers . Then not only do I have peace in my heart , but His peace invades it as well . And when I give Him these crazy , out of hand thoughts , He faithfully places His peace to guard my heart . Sometimes these transitional prayers come easy , other times they are difficult . But I am learning to stop the thoughts before they run totally away with my peace of mind and heart . One of my friends told me one time that I have a " Google Mind . " She said when someone starts talking or something happens I can take one little hint and my mind starts spitting out results , scenarios , etc . She 's pretty much right too ! My mind goes so fast and my thoughts can go so wrong so quickly . It 's a constant struggle to keep my thoughts from getting totally out of hand . I do that by turning them into prayers and thanksgiving . One issue for me has been finances . I 'm sure no one else has that to worry about along with the other caregiving responsibilities ! Right ? When it gets too tight for my comfort , which is a lot lately , I start thinking of things to be thankful for . We have never missed a meal , our lights are still on , I am still able to work , etc . I find that when I turn my crazy thoughts into thankfulness His peace begins to shore up my mind . My hope , strength and peace do not come from being able to work ( although I am thankful for that ) ; but they come from Him to guard my mind . My work becomes keeping my mind on Him and seeing Him as my provider no matter what the bank account says ! You know what ? He gets my anxiety . And He will take it if I will give it to Him . I have to let it go so that He can replace it with His peace . It 's not a fair trade really - He takes my anxious thoughts , and I get His peace . I 'm okay with that ! Today I will make a conscious effort to give Him my anxiety and allow His peace to reign in my heart and mind . When my thoughts start trying to run off with my life - I 'll stop , pause and turn my thoughts to Him . My meditation will be on His ability to provide peace . I will choose to embrace it and walk in it today . Will you join me ? When writing to the Christians in Philippi , Paul reminded them to rejoice in the Lord . He must have really wanted to emphasize it because he said it twice in Phil . 4 : 4 - rejoice in the Lord always , and again I say , rejoice . Many might think that as caregivers we do not have a lot to rejoice about or that we have a right to be sad or upset . After all , life " cheated " us . We really cannot afford to buy into that lie . Sometimes I have to admit when someone who I think lives in an ivory castle so to speak tells me to rejoice or be thankful , I would like to just punch them . They don 't understand real life . Many appear to live a highly protected life free from a lot of the struggles we have to face everyday . And it is true that they are not dealing with our situation . But even among caregivers each of our situations has very different features and circumstances . No two journeys are alike even though we are caregivers . It can be easy to compare ourselves among ourselves and see how we have an " easier " road or a more difficult road to walk . There are no easy roads in caregiving . But there are ways to rejoice in every situation . Caregiving is tough period and it can seem that there is nothing to be thankful for and nothing to rejoice in . It 's really a matter of attitude and choice . If we look hard enough and long enough we will find something to rejoice about . And we can find things to be thankful about every single day . It changes our perspective and helps us deal with our situation in a more positive light . Our day can cloud up rather quickly and it can be difficult to see from a positive point of view . Caregivers do a lot and there is little or no reward . Sometimes finding things to be thankful for and rejoice about comes easy - other times it is difficult to find anything to rejoice in . Here are a few forevers to rejoice in no matter what the day looks like : Today I will meditate on the things about God that do not change . I will purposefully set my mind on the truth that He is with me , loves me and He gives me mercy and grace for the journey . I will trust Him for one more day . Will you join me ? Life 's Not Fair - But He Is One of the things I prayed when I started this caregiving journey was that it would not make me bitter . I didn 't want to grow old and angry at life . My prayer was that God would use the pressurized situation to make me a softer person and that it would temper me into a vessel He could use . But let 's face it , we have a lot we could complain about . After all , life has dealt us what many would call an unfair blow ; our lives will never be considered " normal " again . But I can 't complain ; or can I ? Paul told the Philippians to do all things without grumbling or complaining . ( Phil . 2 : 14 ) Why did he have to say " all " ? There 's not much leeway there - and absolutely no exceptions or disclaimers . But . . . the caregiver might argue - we have a lot to complain about : All things Paul said . Why ? Why aren 't we as caregivers exempt from this one ? Because we are the picture of the humility of Christ . We are not running this race to gain a thing ; but just to get to the end . When we face our Lord in the end we will know we did not run in vain . We are running for Him ; and not for what we can get out of life . Ultimately we live , run , work , and caregive to look like Him . Isn 't looking like Him the goal of every Christian ? Remember Paul said we are predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son . ( Romans 8 : 29 ) We did not lose our religion when we became a caregiver and our goals as believers really didn 't change . Our goal has always been to look like Him and to represent Him here on earth . The good news is that we can attain this goal ! The bad news is - it 's really difficult and takes a lot of work on our part . Life may be not fair at times , but our goal of conforming to His image is fair . As believers we all have to do it . No matter what life throws at us , where we work , who we take care of , how rich or poor we are - ultimately our goal is to look like Him . No one is exempt and there are no exclusions . That 's fair . God gave us an even playing field and it 's the same for everyone . Today I will meditate on what it means to look like Him and what types of adjustments I might need to make in my attitude . My meditations will be on yielding to Him with my whole heart and letting Him shape me into His image . Will you join me ? " Humble " is not a word many use to describe me ! I 'm rambunctious , loud , crazy and full of energy . ( I run half marathons for fun on my " days off " ! lol ) Humility or the action of being humble has been misinterpreted . Moses wrote in Numbers 12 : 3 that Moses was very humble , more than any man on the face of the earth . But by our definition , writing about being humble is in direct contradiction to humility . Paul goes on to say in verse 5 that these are the attributes of Christ . This just lets us know that as caregivers , we look like Him as we have discussed many times before . Verse 7 says that He emptied Himself and that he took the form of a servant in order to take the form of a man . These are the attributes of humility and I believe we see them demonstrated in the life of a caregiver as well . For the most part , as caregivers we get nothing for our work . There is no pay , no compensation , and many times no help at all . But in James 4 : 6 the Bible says that He gives grace to the humble . Proverbs 3 : 34 states that He gives grace to the afflicted . He is going to give us the grace to make it through the trials and stresses of each day . He is giving us the grace to be able to survive each day of caregiving . As we demonstrate Christ - like humility to our loved ones , and to the world who is looking in - He offers us grace to make it . Because we humbled ourselves and took on the form of a servant , we have grace to survive . Our lives have been lost in the giving of care for our loved ones . It is an act of humility to lay our life and self aside in order to serve someone else . In the process we paint a picture of Christ - like love for the world to see . Today I am going to meditate on how Jesus gave Himself as an act of humility . As I serve my loved one today I will think about how I look like Him . I will consider how He gives grace for this journey and I will be thankful on purpose for His humility . Will you join me ? Making plans can be difficult when you are a caregiver . Whether you are taking your loved one out for the afternoon , on a longer trip or going out yourself and leaving a sitter with them , it 's a lot of work . There can be so many things that have to be thought out and arranged . And then because there are so many unexpected things that can happen in the caregiving situation , plans can easily be thwarted . Having plans interrupted can be particularly frustrating , especially for those who are not able to get out much to begin with . But it happens all the time . Philippians 1 : 6 is a reminder that God never has his plans interrupted . It simply states He who began a good work in you will complete it . BC ( before caregiving ) I had dreams and actual plans of traveling internationally . I was headed to Africa in a few short months and had a heart to reach many nations . My plans were dropped when I received word my son was medi - flighted from the scene of an accident . For awhile it remained a source of confusion and anger actually . Why didn 't I get to do what God put in my heart ? I worked through some very negative emotions to just be okay with the fact my dreams were not going to happen . My biggest questions came because I thought they were God - given dreams that were never going to happen . As time went on I found ways to work online . I ended up teaching for three different international English schools and hung a world map over my computer so I could visually connect with where my students were located in the world . I have had students in China , the Philippines , South Korea , Japan , Brazil , Russia , and Germany . My writing clients have also come from all over the world . I also connected with Christians in Pakistan and have actually taught classes at a school there on more than one occasion via Skype . I started putting pins in my world map to mark the nations I traveled to via the internet . One day I looked up and realized I 've " been " a lot of places . . . the dream did come true - just not exactly the way I had planned for it to . Caregiving and life in general do not change God 's plans . He will do what He said and life can 't change it . Of course my big question for Him is Is that all you had planned for my son ? But his story is still reaching many lives and they are getting chances to hear his music and read his words so Chris ' story is still out there . Even though he can 't talk - people are hearing his voice and what his life said . My point ? God still has a plan . He never looks up and says Wait . How did that happen . Or I didn 't see that coming . He has a plan and it will happen . What He says still goes . Today I will meditate on the truth that His plans for me were not interrupted by caregiving - they just look different . I will think about how God 's plans are solid and done . I will rest today in the fact that I can rest in Him as He brings them to pass in my life ; and in my son 's life . I will not let the circumstances talk me out of believing everything God has said . I will meditate on His faithfulness today . Will you join me ? As caregivers we are able to get in there and get things done . It sort of comes with the territory . No matter what our basic personality is , in just a short time of caregiving is good schooling on this topic . We learn rather quickly that in many cases , advocating for our loved one means rolling up our sleeves and getting ' er done . Too bad there 's not a Caregivers University where we can go to learn the skills needed . We could get a diploma once we learned it all and of course passed our internship where we learned all the ropes using a hands - on approach . Of course I am speaking tongue - in - cheek as it would be impossible for someone to teach us what we 've learned . Of course there is no such school and we are not going to get a diploma for our learning . But we do a lot of learning about a lot of things once we become a caregiver , including things about ourselves . Even though I 'm pretty high strung and hyper most of the time I let a lot of things slide as a person . I wouldn 't get in there and fight for stuff - I 'd just take the wrong and walk away in most instances . Early on in the caregiving journey I learned that this approach was not going to work , People do not just do their jobs - they want to do as little as possible and still get paid . That can lead to some frustration for us . Until we learn how to fight . During the four months we stayed in the hospital after my son 's initial head injury , I learned that something Madea said was true . She said you only have to go crazy up in here one time . And I did that . It was premeditated I will admit . And I purposefully went out into the hall to throw my fit to get everyone 's attention . I threw a good fit too and they came running ! They took care of a very serious situation with my son that was having to wait until they were done with break . Suddenly every RN up there knew how to take out an infected , clogged catheter . But as tough as we become or learn to be there is still an underlying humility , or there should be . Let 's face it , there are parts of our job that others are not willing to do . We don 't go around talking about those midnight messes we have to clean up and things like that . How can you not be humble when you are meeting the very basic personal needs of another person . Things others won 't think of stooping to do ? Humility comes with the package too , just like tenacity . They work together to make us stronger , better individuals . James 4 : 6 says that God gives grace to the humble . When I was in the church scene sometimes we were indirectly taught that we could take a scripture and wave it around in God 's face long enough to get Him to do what we wanted . It wasn 't on purpose but we were sort of taught to be full of pride and come to God like I did in the hallway at that hospital in Shreveport . Screaming and yelling and telling them all what - for ! But God acts on true humility . In the next verses it says if we draw near to God , He will draw near to us . We don 't have to act up to get His attention , we already have it . Micah 6 : 8 says that all God requires is for us to walk humbly with Him . True humility has us walking alongside Him , but never out in front . Never with our fists raised in the air ( although I have thrown a few fits with God too . . . . they didn 't work . ) but with humility . It takes true strength to lose ourselves enough to be humble with Him . Humility is not weakness , although it is often mistaken for it . Humility says I yield to You and Your work in my life . We become the sheep , and let Him be the Shepherd . That can be difficult for caregivers , especially since we are so used to getting things done . Today I will slow down and walk humbly with Him . Not out front , not lagging behind ; but alongside Him so I can be with Him on this journey . My meditation will be in Psalm 100 - I will think about how I am one of His people and a sheep in His pasture . I willingly submit my will to His today and let Him shepherd me . I will ask Him questions - and then wait for His answers . Will you join me ? Posted by Yesterday , we discussed Psalm 91 and today I want to look at one little phrase : I am trusting Him . It 's found in the last part of verse 2 . It demonstrates the present continuous tense . It means , I am trusting Him right now - and I will continue to do so into the future . There are so many things in the caregiver 's day / life that are unpredictable . We never know when our loved one might become ill , or suffer a fall even though we are careful and take the necessary precautions . Shipments of supplies often get lost and we have to make purchases to make up the difference ; or aides don 't show up at their scheduled time . I 've had case managers and nurses call to come by at the drop of a hat . And in my instance , I never know exactly how my son is going to take any given day . Some days he 's compliant and relaxed and others he is uptight and resistant for no apparent reason . After a while it can all start stacking up into a very unpredictable mess . We can find ourselves in a state of constant change trying to keep up with the craziness of each day . ( Just a personal note - for us " Type A 's " this can be very difficult ! ) ( smile ) No matter what a day brings all I know is that every day we continue to trust Him . When this caregiving journey began , Psalm 121 became very real to me . Verse 2 says My help comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth . I knew that we had excellent doctors and medical professionals working with my son - but they were not my help . Only the Lord could help . As the caregiving journey has continued , the depth of trust has deepened . I am trusting Him . I have been trusting Him , continue to trust Him today and the action of trusting will continue on into the future . I 'm not looking for any other options . While my son was in ICU his friend lent me a guitar . I wrote a simple song based out of Psalm 121 using basically the same words . You can watch it via my Facebook page if you 'd like using this link . I recorded it in my son 's hospital room . It 's my declaration that I will continue to trust Him no matter what a day or life throws at me . Today I will meditate on how He is my help whether I have human " help " ' or not ! I will turn my thoughts to how He watches over our souls and protects us from the inside out . My mind will be set on His ever - abiding presence and I will rest in Him . Will you join me as we continue to trust Him ? Something as simple as a flower can be a bright spot in a day . When we walk through the park behind our apartments , we often find wild flowers growing sporadically along the side of the trail . It 's been my practice for many years to simply enjoy this random beauty and allow it to lighten my heart . If that 's the only reason God made wild flowers , then I am thankful . He usually has a reason or purpose for just about everything , we just don 't always discover it right off . This morning I was reading through a psalm that I grew up knowing . My mom read it to me when I was scared or troubled . As an adult I read it to my children as well . Psalm 91 I believe has been misinterpreted over the years to mean that nothing is going to happen to us if we stay hidden in Him . On one hand , I agree with the concept - our soul ( being ) is safe in Him . It is safe from any type of harm . Our body on the other hand , is susceptible to life . As I was reading this familiar passage I paused to think . It starts out with Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the almighty . I will say of the Lord , He is my refuge , He is my fortress ; He is my God and I am trusting Him . There are a few things that stood out to me in these verses today . First of all , you don 't need a shelter if there is no danger . Secondly , you don 't need a refuge if there isn 't a storm . Thirdly , you don 't need a fortress if there isn 't an enemy . The caregiver lives in a storm - so He 's got us covered ! This entire psalm speaks of things that life might throw at us . Many circles misinterpret it to mean that if you trust God then nothing bad is going to happen . I think it is quite different than that . First of all , verse 8 implies that we are safe from the judgment of God and only the wicked will see it . But the long list of protective forces needed in this psalm indicate that there are things happening all the time ; things we need to be protected from . It 's not that we will never see difficulties or struggles - but that God is protecting us through them . But it 's all out there . We cannot stick our heads in the sand and pretend " bad things " do not exist . Life is full of trials , tests , and tribulations . That 's why we need a shelter . He is always right here . No matter where here is - He 's got it covered ; He 's got us covered . All we have to do is run to Him . Today I will meditate on His divine protection of my soul . I will allow Him to bathe my mind , will and emotions in His peace and protection . I will rest in Him today and allow Him to be my protector and my shield . I will let Him take care of me today - He is my caregiver . Will you join me ? The hospital is a familiar place for many caregivers . We lived there for over 4 months after my son 's accident . And then there are times when it seems like we make so many trips they should offer us rewards like frequent flyer miles or something . ( smile ) Feeding tubes fall out , O2 levels drop below 90 , falls or any number of things specific to an individual 's care can send you running right back up there . Initially we had tons of friends coming to sit with us . But when the journey got longer they seemed to start disappearing quickly . After the hospital stay we were in two nursing homes and a couple of rehab facilities before we were able to settle in at home . Even though our lives were still changing and evolving everyone seemed to make the assumption that we were home , so everything was okay . They thought things were returning to normal . But in reality we were just trying to find a new normal . And of course , caregiving is a whole different world . Friends seemed to disappear even though a few are still in contact . Becoming a caregiver can be difficult on friends . It 's like they think it changes you . And in some ways it definitely does over time just like life itself . But just because you became a caregiver doesn 't mean the core of you changed . You still have the same sense of humor ( necessary for caregiving ! ) , like your coffee the same way and still enjoy doing some of the same things - if there is time . Having friends who walk away can feel like betrayal . And that 's what we find in Micah 7 . The prophet is describing a very rough time and a time of betrayal by even family members , which happens a lot too . In many cases it 's just that people no longer know what to do with us . Our journey as we step into a caregiving role becomes longer and more difficult than they can handle . And in many cases they don 't know what to say , how to help or how to make it better so they do and say nothing . It feels like betrayal . We make a lot of jokes about Job 's friends in his Biblical account . And even though they got pretty rough with him later on - early in his journey they were prime examples of true friends . When they heard he was ill and was going through a horrible time - they came and sat . They had no words ; but they sat with him in silent mourning for 7 days . What a picture of true heart - felt compassion for a friend . There wasn 't anything they could do to make it better but they were present for his journey . I have friends who are present on this journey of caregiving . But I 've also had some for whom the journey got too long , too difficult and they walked away . During those times when the feelings of betrayal seem to saturate our souls , we can say what Micah did in chapter 7 verse 7 : But as for me , I will watch expectantly for the Lord ; I will wait for the God of my salvation . My God will hear me . When our friends can 't hear us - God can . When our friends are not present for our journey - God is . When we face days all alone - God is with us and can hear us . He hears our weeping in the night hours when friends and family are not around . He hears and He can endure the journey . Today I will meditate on the truth that God has not bailed ship . He is still walking on this caregiving journey with me . It hasn 't gotten too long or too difficult for Him . I will rejoice in the truth that He ain 't going nowhere ! He will remain on this journey with me . I will turn my thoughts to His ever abiding , patient presence in my life today . Will you join me ? Many people think the life of the caregiver is one full of constant distress . In one way this is true in that there is never a dull moment and always something or someone to tend to . But once the initial shock is over , and we accept our role and find a new normal , life just goes on like it does for everybody else . He gives us His peace ; a peace that is way beyond our understanding ( Philippians 4 : 7 . It is up to us whether or not we yield our hearts to His peace . It 's there - He gave it . But it 's on us to tap into it , relax with it and enjoy it . One of my favorite people is Tyler Perry who writes and plays the character Madea in plays and movies . In Diary of a Mad Woman , Madea shares a word of wisdom straight from Tyler Perry 's heart . In this scene Madea is talking about the story where the disciples were in the boat with Jesus and a storm arose and Jesus stood up and said three simple words , Peace be still . Madea 's point is this . Jesus is the word according to John 1 : 1 . And in this story the Word is using words . When the Word speaks words He speaks them in past , present and future tense . So when Jesus said Peace be still . Peace was already still . So according to Madea ( Tyler Perry ) peace was still , peace is still and peace is still being still ! While Madea 's method is a little unorthodox , what she says in this scene is revelatory . Peace is eternal it is up to us to tap into the source . Then the next task is to keep our hearts there and allow His peace to reign in our hearts . ( Colossians 3 : 15 ) Today I will make a conscious effort to allow the peace He gives to rule in my heart . I will fight off anything that comes to disrupt this peace . My meditation will be on how His peace is eternal and never goes away . Today I will rest in His peace . Will you join me ? When I first brought my son home I soon realized that a good night 's sleep was a thing of the past . It was like having an infant again where even if they sleep well , you wake up with every little sound they make . I finally adjusted and relaxed a bit until now I do get some sleep . In case you hadn 't noticed , I 'm pretty high strung and very active inside and out . I hate to sleep - I know I need it but it seems like such a waste of time . Do you know what all I could get done in that 6 hours ? Yes , 6 hours , that 's what I try to give myself because I just can 't stand to sleep away one - third of the day . Actually , sleep and rest are two different things and as I have battled my own medical conditions of late ( perhaps brought on by lack of sleep ? * smile * ) I have learned the importance of sleeping and resting . Sleep is the way we rest our bodies so they remain strong and fight off disease . But rest is an inside thing . Maybe that 's why Jesus said in Matthew 11 : 29 that He would give us rest for our souls . Our mind , will and emotions need to find that place of rest more than our bodies do . If our minds are going too fast or our emotions run high there is no good sleep anyway . Our mind and emotions can rob our bodies of necessary rest . God understands the caregiver 's need for rest ; and He is gentle with us . There are days when we think we cannot move one more step . And then have to take our loved one to urgent care or the ER . We step up and do what needs to be done knowing that when we do get back home it 's going to be a long night . We can go without sleep , and many of us do much of the time ; but He can give us rest for our souls . There is a place in Him where our souls can be comforted on the most difficult of days . Hebrews 4 : 9 tells us that there remains a Sabbath rest for His people . Even though the caregiver 's life is far from normal to others and it can be very hectic - there is a rest we can walk in . Remember Matthew 11 : 29 ? Jesus prefaced that by saying Come to me . Even though the church tends to ignore the caregiver , Jesus does not shun us because we look different and live differently than others . He reaches into our chaotic , painful world and gently says , " Come to me and I will give you rest . " Today I will make a conscious effort to come to Him . My meditation will be on the truth that He loves me and cares for me . I will turn my thoughts to working at resting in Him . Will you join me ? Un - sacrificial Sacrifice There is no picture perfect view of a caregiver as each situation is unique . Some caregivers spend time looking in on a loved one and checking to make sure things are going along smoothly while others provide total care for their loved one . No matter where we fit on that scale caregivers give up some portion of their lives to take care of another . In 2008 I was perched to explore the world . I had gotten rid of everything , moved to Chicago and was scheduled to go to South Africa the following January with a Bible school . Those hopes and dreams faded after I received the phone call about my son 's wreck . Instead of flying to Africa , I was headed back to Louisiana to be with my son . Although it was quite the process to work through - It doesn 't feel like a sacrifice ; it 's just what needed to be done . In Philippians 3 : 7 - 10 Paul talks about how he gave up everything to know Christ . Verse 10 states he was conformed to His death . As a caregiver we allow ourselves to " die " in order to provide for our loved ones . We give up something on some level to be able to do what we do to care for someone else . We are acquainted with sacrifice ; and we look like Him . Earlier in Philippians 2 : 6 - 7 , Paul stated that Jesus emptied Himself He made Himself nothing , humbled Himself and became like us . Why ? Hebrews 12 : 2 says that He did it for the joy set before Him . He did not consider the cross in His death - but He considered us . While caregivers may or may not feel like we are sacrificing anything , there are times we realize we really lost our lives in the shuffle . As difficult as it is sometimes there is a joy and a satisfaction that comes from caring for a loved one . I 'll be the first to stand up and say it is a difficult journey and a battle everyday . But I count that all as nothing because of the love for my son . Jesus felt the same way about us . He willingly gave it all up and laid it all down and counted it as joy ; not a sacrifice . When we lay down our lives to any extent for our loved ones , we look a lot like Him . Today I will think about how great a love God has for us - that He prepared a way for us to get back to Him before He ever said , " Let there be light . " I will meditate on what value He must place on us to love and care for us that much . I will smile today in light of His unsacrificial sacrifice and I will rejoice that He loves us as much as we love the ones we care for . Will you join me ? I grew up in Oklahoma but moved to Louisana when my kids were in highscool . After teaching in the public school system for 8 years I went into full time ministry . I moved to Chicago ( loved it ! ) Now I am back near family in Oklahoma . I write , teach and am a full time caregiver . Whoo Hoo ! ! ! Finally my blood pressure is down to where it should be . It 's taken quite a while to get it there - now to make it stay . I 've been watching wh . . . Good Monday morning world ! It 's been a crazy place around here of late . I don 't really know why I say that as caregiving makes for . . .
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In my Easter post I promised to post some pictures of Hannah this Sunday in her Easter dress . Unfortunately , it snowed almost ALL day today , so I did not take any pictures of Hannah . I was hoping to do it on BYU campus after church because they often have pretty flowers , but everything is still dead here and like I said , it snowed today . . . GRRRRRR . So , it may be a few weeks because I would like to take some nice pictures of her . . . . hopefully the sun and flowers will come out soon . I thought instead I would post some funny things that Hannah does . 1 . She yells my name , " MAMA ! ! " Then I say , " What ? " She says , " BOO ! " She does this over and over , especially when we 're in the car . 2 . Whenever I go outside to throw something away or get the mail , she hides behind the opened door and watches me through the crack . Then , she tries to scare me when I come back inside . It 's really funny . 3 . She loves to close her eyes really tight and show her teeth . 4 . She loves any kind of Chapstick or lubricant that she can put on her face . I think she got used to these after she had the rash around her mouth ( which has been completely gone ever since we went to the Derm . . . . thanks Doc ! ) . She loves to spread them on her or my face . 5 . Every time her nose starts to run she says , " Boogies " and makes me wipe them . 6 . She is always so concerned with her finger nails . Anytime she has the tiniest hang nail , she tries to pull it off herself . When that doesn 't work , she makes me clip them ( or bite them . . . . . bad habit that she is picking up from me ) . There are more silly things that I can 't think of at the moment , but maybe I will add them to the list when I do . Scroll down for another post ! P . S . I feel bad for saying that I hope no one else tags me , so if you have a good tag , bring it on , because I really do enjoy doing them . These past two weeks have been a bit challenging for me . Now that I don 't have any homework to do at night ( and I often find myself sitting in front of the television ) , I decided to take on a project . I have had some French style decorations for my kitchen for a few years but didn 't put them up because they didn 't match at all . The kitchen was yellow and green and had a fruit border . . . . . my decorations are mostly black , tan , and red . So , I decided to paint the kitchen red and tan . Unfortunately , there was nothing I could do about the tile and counter tops , which are still yellow and green , but at least the walls match a little bit better . Here are a few " after " pictures . Here are a few " before " pictures . Please excuse the messy kitchen . . . we had just finished eating dinner and I was about to take off the wall paper so I wasn 't really focused on cleaning . This project actually ended up being a bit of a bear , as I found that our ceiling and our windows are crooked . The tile on the right wall is a quarter of an inch taller than the tile on the left wall . This made is difficult for the line between the red and tan , as they are different heights on the walls . Hopefully no one will look too closely when they come to visit , though . The walls in this apartment feel like complete concrete , which makes it almost impossible for the paint to stay on them . It often rips off like a big Bandaid . So , because I used paint tape to make that line in the middle of the wall , when I ripped it off , some of the paint ripped off with it . That was definitely not fun . This apartment is all jacked up , but at least I feel like the kitchen is more my style . I still need to paint white over the parts that I got red on the ceiling and cabinets , so I 'm not completely finished , but it 's almost there . This was my first time ever painting , and at least for now I know what to expect when we live in a real house , and I will probably end up hiring someone . Ok , one more tag . Frankly , I hope that this is the last one . I like getting tagged , so thank you Amber , but I 'm sure it 's annoying to all of you reading it and I feel like I keep writing some of the same things over . This one 's good , though , so you have to read ! If anyone wants to do it , you are more than welcome . 10 Years AgoI was finishing up my Freshman year of high school ( I had just gotten my braces off so I felt good ) , crushing on a lot of boys , needing a hair straightener , and in a lot better shape than I am now . 5 Things on my list to do Today1 . Play with Hannah2 . Paint the Kitchen3 . Make dinner4 . Watch The Biggest Loser5 . Write blogWhat would I do if I were suddenly a Millionaire ? We would DEFINITELY move out of this spider infested , flooded kitchen , dark and smelly apartment . We would pay off the car we just bought and all of our school loans and then save most of it . I would also give every member of my family some of it . Scott would continue to go to school but would not have to work while doing so and I would continue to stay at home with Hannah . We would go on MANY vacations and donate a lot to the church and other charities . 3 Bad Habits1 . Biting my nails ( toe nails , that is . . . . ok totally kidding , but I used to joke around when I was little and stick my toes in my mouth ) . 2 . Saying " um " when I 'm speaking in public3 . nagging Scott5 Places I 've lived1 . Torrance , CA2 . Elk Grove , CA3 . Rexburg , ID4 . Orem , UT5 . Provo , UT5 jobs I 've had1 . Zehnder 's Yogurt ( Is that how you spell Zehnder ? Or is it Zhender ? I can 't remember ) . 2 . Western Watts ( YUCK ! ! ! ) 3 . Mimi 's Cafe4 . Staples5 . House Wife5 things people don 't know about me - since I 've already done a few blogs with this , I thought I would change this to 5 of my Pet Peeves . 1 . Since Jennifer blogged about people calling Sherbet , SherBERT , I 'd also like to say that when people say words wrong it drives me nuts . A few other examples of this is the word " Nuclear . " The word is NU - CLE - AR , not NUCULAR ( President Bush says this all the time ) . The dictionary says you can sPosted by Happy Easter ! ! ! Yesterday we went over to Hollie 's in - law 's house for an Easter egg hunt and a BBQ . It was really fun to watch Hannah go after the eggs . Here 's a short video of her picking up a few eggs : Here are some pictures of the event : Kamrie , Sienna , and HannahShhhh . . . . don 't tell Si Si that Hannah stole some of her candy . . . hee heeI think Hannah had candy in her mouth for about an hour straight . She ate all of her candy plus stole some other kids ' . This morning Hannah and I didn 't go to church because she had a terrible night 's sleep last night . She is sick again and slept in until 10 : 30am , which was incredibly nice for me because I was knocked out from the Nyquil that I took the night before ( and thank you to my incredible husband for getting up with her in the middle of the night ) . Easter is definitely not a day that one should miss church . I was sad that I missed all of the great talks about the Resurrection and that I didn 't get to show off Hannah 's cute Easter dress . She 'll get to wear it next week , though , and I plan on taking some pictures of her in it , so stay tuned for those . Even though Hannah was sick , the Easter bunny still left her some treats . The right basket in this picture was her basket . She got a baby doll that she picked out at the toy store , some finger paints , and an alphabet puzzle ( and some more candy ) . Scott and I got 101 Dalmatians and Enchanted ( these are actually probably more for Hannah ) and a lot of candy ! I 've eaten so much candy these last few days . . . . . . I feel sick ! Finally , the Easter bunny left us one more present : We bought ourselves a 2005 Hyundai Sonata yesterday . I know what you 're thinking . . . . . ' WHAT ! ! A Hyundai . . . . why in the world would you buy that ? ' Those of you who have had a Hyundai before know that they used to have problems but are now actually one of the best cars out there . Our bishop works for them and says that they are the cars that he has to order parts for the least because they rarely break down . Our bishop also gave us his employee discount on the car , and wePosted by Look at my stud muffin strutting his stuff at the bowling alley . This picture is actually quite funny . . . . . it looks like he 's walking down a runway . Anyway , that 's not the reason that I am writing this blog . Cori Robinson wrote an awesome blog about how wonderful her husband is , and I pretended like I was tagged in doing this ( even though it wasn 't a tag blog ) because I would also like to write about how wonderful my husband is . Scott has been working so hard this semester . He goes to school full time , works about 30 hours a week , and does a great job at his calling . In the midst of all of this , he tries his hardest to spend as much time with Hannah and me as he can . I know he has a lot of pressure on him , mostly from me to do well in school , and I know it has been stressful for him . He is doing very well for his first semester at BYU in incredibly hard classes and I am proud of him . The minute he gets home from work , he usually goes off to our bedroom to study . Poor thing is so tired by the end of the day that he usually starts to fall asleep while he 's reading . I know that he is doing all of this for our family . He wants to do well in college so that he can provide for us in the future and I am so grateful for that ( even if I complain often that I don 't get to spend enough time with him ) . He has also been incredibly great about working while going to school so that I can stay home with Hannah , even though I know it would be a lot easier for him if I were to work . Scott and I also love a lot of the same things . I used to think that I always had to be out doing things to have fun , but now I know that we can have a great time together watching The Office or any other mindless TV show , or reading Harry Potter together . Scott 's also a wonderful father . He loves to play with Hannah . He reads to her , sings to her , and always has to get her after she 's woken up from a nap because he 's excited to see her . I am so glad that I married him ; I couldn 't have asked for a better man ! Now I tag you all to write something nice aboutPosted by I had to post these pictures because my mom made this adorable dress and jacket for Hannah . There is a reason why this is so important to me . I hope this doesn 't embarrass you mom , but I 'm going to talk a little bit about you . In 2005 , my mom started having health problems , which she later found out to be related with her thyroid . She struggled with anxiety attacks , infections , back and knee problems and more . I know that those years were very hard for her , and I wish that I could have been there for her . After more than two years of these health problems and many prayers and blessings , she is finally back to her normal spunky , adorable self , and I am so grateful for that . Thank you for the adorable outfits that you have made for Hannah . . . . . I 'm so glad that Heavenly Father answered our prayers and healed you . Hannah has been so interested in going potty lately . She usually tells me when she has gone " poo poos " and she always wants to come into the bathroom when either one of us ( Scott or I ) is going ( and she usually says , " pee pees " when she wants to come in ) . Last week I met a mother at the park whose daughter is already potty trained and isn 't even two yet . I asked her how she did it and she told me that they bought their daughter a little potty and kept it in the bathroom . They didn 't push their daughter into using it , but she quickly became interested on her own and was potty trained two months later . I decided that I wanted to try this tactic as well . Yesterday I bought Hannah a potty and put it in the bathroom . She played with it like a toy for awhile . Today I told her that that was where she could go " pee pee " or " poo poos " if she wanted to . This afternoon she kept saying " pee pee , " so I put her on her toilet to see if she would go . She sat there for a few minutes and then . . . . . . she went ! ! ! I was really surprised and happy ! ! I kept telling her " Good Job . . . You went pee pee ! " My happiness ended quickly when I realized that I am the one who will be cleaning out her potty after she goes . . . . yuck ! Anyway , I 'm sure it was just a fluke for now , but it was still fun . I 'm not going to push it on her because I know that she is young , but I would love it if she was potty trained by two . I know the average age is around 3 years , and I will be okay with that too , but to be able to save money on diapers and stop changing stinky poop would be a delight ! ! I have never really been into reading for pleasure . I never really loved English when I was young , although I did love to write ( Remember , Stacy , in " Writer 's Workshop " when we would compete in writing the most pages ? ) . When I was in high school , I felt like I was too busy to read for pleasure and when I had time , I would have to read the scriptures ( Ok , I did read an occasional book here or there ) . Then college came and reading for pleasure did not sound like fun to me , because I had to read thousands of text book pages or journal articles for my classes as well as the scriptures . Laying on the couch always sounded much more enticing to me than popping open another book ( reading took too much effort because you actually had to think ) . However , I told myself that I would start reading for pleasure as soon as I was done with college . In January , I finally started reading the Harry Potter series ( even though we have all of the movies ) and just finished the 7th book last night . They were awesome ! ! The books are so much more detailed than the movies and I found myself craving to read more , rather than to watch TV , to relax . I am depressed that I am done reading the books , but I am excited for the sixth movie to come out at the end of this year . The next series that I plan to read will be Twilight ( although I need to get my hands on a copy of them ; they are always out at the library ) . After I read that series , I really don 't know what to read . Does anyone have any suggestions for good books ? ? ? Reading has become a necessity at night now , but I feel like I don 't even know what books are good out there because I have never really been into reading before ( sad , I know ) . Well I was tagged again ! Stacy , I kept some of your answers because they were worded nicely . A - Attached or single : Very attached ! B - Best Friend : I would have to say that Scott is my best friend . C - Cake or Pie : I guess this depends on the cake or pie . Sometimes the frosting on cake can be gross to me . However , certain kinds of pie are gross to me too . I like banana creme pie and most berry pies , but I also love certain kind of cakes , especially ones that come from Costco . D - Day of Choice : Saturday . . . the whole day is at your dispense for whatever you want or need to do ! ! ! E - Essential Item : The diaper bag . . . . it goes with me just about everywhere . F - Favorite Color : dark redG - Gummi Bears or Worms : Worms . . . especially the sour kind . H : Hometown : Elk Grove , CAI - Indulgence ( s ) : ice cream , cheesecake , hot chocolateJ - January or July : JULY ! Summer ! K - Kids : One so far ! Our darling daughter . L - Life is incomplete without : My family and friendsM - Marriage Date : April 30 , 2004N - Number of Siblings : 3 sisters and 1 brotherO - Oranges or Apples : This depends . At first I would say oranges but I have had some pretty nasty oranges in my life . . . . ones that I couldn 't even finish because they were so dry and chewy . If the orange is juicy and perfectly ripe , then definitely oranges ; otherwise apples . P - Phobias or Fears : failing , spidersQ - Quote : I don 't wanna work , I just wanna bang on this mug all day - - from The OfficeR - Reason To Smile : Because someone told me a hilarious jokeS - Season : Summer for sure ( although I like spring too ) T - Tag Six : Anyone who wants to do it . . . . . I would love to see my sisters and mom do it ! U - Unknown Fact About Me : I am burned right now because I went tanning this week for the first time in years . If you notice me getting tanner in the next month , this is why ( although I hope to refrain from getting too tan like I did my Senior year when people started calling me brownie ) . V - Vegetarian or Oppressor of Animal : I am a meat eater . W - Worst Habit : Biting my nailsX - X - Rays or Ultrasounds : Ultrasounds ! ! ! Y - Your Favorite FoPosted by BeforeAfterYikes ! ! ! ! Poor Hannah is going to be stuck with my lioness hair . This picture of her reminds me of my Freshman year cheerleader picture , where my hair was out of control because the wind was blowing . Sometimes I feel bad for the bad genes that Scott and I have passed on to Hannah . Poor thing is going to have thick , wavy , coarse hair and will be told this by every hair stylist . Good thing hair straighteners and silky serum were invented ! ! ! ! Everyone I know has been sick these last few weeks with the flu or something else . It doesn 't seem to matter what state you are in either , as I have heard of friends / family being sick in Arizona , North Carolina , California , and here . Last Saturday Hannah woke up really sweaty , so I took her temperature and saw that she had a fever . It quickly raised throughout the day and hit 104 degrees . I was worried that she was going to start seizing , as I know of babies who have done this before because of a high fever . So , I did everything I could , gave her Tylenol , a cool bath , and plenty to drink . She didn 't seize , thank goodness , but had a terrible night 's sleep . Sunday morning we all missed church . My husband was kind enough to stay home with me so that I could sleep while he watched Hannah . Around noon on Sunday , Hannah 's fever suddenly went away . I was worried that she had the flu , so I was expecting other symptoms to come . She was really out of it that day , though , and even fell asleep in my arms , which she never does . Anyway , since Sunday Hannah has still not developed any other symptoms of the flu , so I believe she has Roseola ( thanks to my mom who told me about it ) . It 's just a virus that infants can get that causes a high fever and ends with a rash around the body . Tonight I noticed a rash forming around her chest and back which coincides with the symptoms of roseola . She has also been so much more fussy than usual . Yesterday I had to give myself a time out from her because I was losing my patience very quickly with her crying . Today was much better , though , and hopefully she will be completely better by tomorrow . It has been hard to watch her go through this . . . . . . . poor baby . I just wanted to apologize to Cori , as this is a contagious virus , and I really hope that your kids don 't get it . Posted by
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In my Easter post I promised to post some pictures of Hannah this Sunday in her Easter dress . Unfortunately , it snowed almost ALL day today , so I did not take any pictures of Hannah . I was hoping to do it on BYU campus after church because they often have pretty flowers , but everything is still dead here and like I said , it snowed today . . . GRRRRRR . So , it may be a few weeks because I would like to take some nice pictures of her . . . . hopefully the sun and flowers will come out soon . I thought instead I would post some funny things that Hannah does . 1 . She yells my name , " MAMA ! ! " Then I say , " What ? " She says , " BOO ! " She does this over and over , especially when we 're in the car . 2 . Whenever I go outside to throw something away or get the mail , she hides behind the opened door and watches me through the crack . Then , she tries to scare me when I come back inside . It 's really funny . 3 . She loves to close her eyes really tight and show her teeth . 4 . She loves any kind of Chapstick or lubricant that she can put on her face . I think she got used to these after she had the rash around her mouth ( which has been completely gone ever since we went to the Derm . . . . thanks Doc ! ) . She loves to spread them on her or my face . 5 . Every time her nose starts to run she says , " Boogies " and makes me wipe them . 6 . She is always so concerned with her finger nails . Anytime she has the tiniest hang nail , she tries to pull it off herself . When that doesn 't work , she makes me clip them ( or bite them . . . . . bad habit that she is picking up from me ) . There are more silly things that I can 't think of at the moment , but maybe I will add them to the list when I do . Scroll down for another post ! P . S . I feel bad for saying that I hope no one else tags me , so if you have a good tag , bring it on , because I really do enjoy doing them . These past two weeks have been a bit challenging for me . Now that I don 't have any homework to do at night ( and I often find myself sitting in front of the television ) , I decided to take on a project . I have had some French style decorations for my kitchen for a few years but didn 't put them up because they didn 't match at all . The kitchen was yellow and green and had a fruit border . . . . . my decorations are mostly black , tan , and red . So , I decided to paint the kitchen red and tan . Unfortunately , there was nothing I could do about the tile and counter tops , which are still yellow and green , but at least the walls match a little bit better . Here are a few " after " pictures . Here are a few " before " pictures . Please excuse the messy kitchen . . . we had just finished eating dinner and I was about to take off the wall paper so I wasn 't really focused on cleaning . This project actually ended up being a bit of a bear , as I found that our ceiling and our windows are crooked . The tile on the right wall is a quarter of an inch taller than the tile on the left wall . This made is difficult for the line between the red and tan , as they are different heights on the walls . Hopefully no one will look too closely when they come to visit , though . The walls in this apartment feel like complete concrete , which makes it almost impossible for the paint to stay on them . It often rips off like a big Bandaid . So , because I used paint tape to make that line in the middle of the wall , when I ripped it off , some of the paint ripped off with it . That was definitely not fun . This apartment is all jacked up , but at least I feel like the kitchen is more my style . I still need to paint white over the parts that I got red on the ceiling and cabinets , so I 'm not completely finished , but it 's almost there . This was my first time ever painting , and at least for now I know what to expect when we live in a real house , and I will probably end up hiring someone . Ok , one more tag . Frankly , I hope that this is the last one . I like getting tagged , so thank you Amber , but I 'm sure it 's annoying to all of you reading it and I feel like I keep writing some of the same things over . This one 's good , though , so you have to read ! If anyone wants to do it , you are more than welcome . 10 Years AgoI was finishing up my Freshman year of high school ( I had just gotten my braces off so I felt good ) , crushing on a lot of boys , needing a hair straightener , and in a lot better shape than I am now . 5 Things on my list to do Today1 . Play with Hannah2 . Paint the Kitchen3 . Make dinner4 . Watch The Biggest Loser5 . Write blogWhat would I do if I were suddenly a Millionaire ? We would DEFINITELY move out of this spider infested , flooded kitchen , dark and smelly apartment . We would pay off the car we just bought and all of our school loans and then save most of it . I would also give every member of my family some of it . Scott would continue to go to school but would not have to work while doing so and I would continue to stay at home with Hannah . We would go on MANY vacations and donate a lot to the church and other charities . 3 Bad Habits1 . Biting my nails ( toe nails , that is . . . . ok totally kidding , but I used to joke around when I was little and stick my toes in my mouth ) . 2 . Saying " um " when I 'm speaking in public3 . nagging Scott5 Places I 've lived1 . Torrance , CA2 . Elk Grove , CA3 . Rexburg , ID4 . Orem , UT5 . Provo , UT5 jobs I 've had1 . Zehnder 's Yogurt ( Is that how you spell Zehnder ? Or is it Zhender ? I can 't remember ) . 2 . Western Watts ( YUCK ! ! ! ) 3 . Mimi 's Cafe4 . Staples5 . House Wife5 things people don 't know about me - since I 've already done a few blogs with this , I thought I would change this to 5 of my Pet Peeves . 1 . Since Jennifer blogged about people calling Sherbet , SherBERT , I 'd also like to say that when people say words wrong it drives me nuts . A few other examples of this is the word " Nuclear . " The word is NU - CLE - AR , not NUCULAR ( President Bush says this all the time ) . The dictionary says you can sPosted by Happy Easter ! ! ! Yesterday we went over to Hollie 's in - law 's house for an Easter egg hunt and a BBQ . It was really fun to watch Hannah go after the eggs . Here 's a short video of her picking up a few eggs : Here are some pictures of the event : Kamrie , Sienna , and HannahShhhh . . . . don 't tell Si Si that Hannah stole some of her candy . . . hee heeI think Hannah had candy in her mouth for about an hour straight . She ate all of her candy plus stole some other kids ' . This morning Hannah and I didn 't go to church because she had a terrible night 's sleep last night . She is sick again and slept in until 10 : 30am , which was incredibly nice for me because I was knocked out from the Nyquil that I took the night before ( and thank you to my incredible husband for getting up with her in the middle of the night ) . Easter is definitely not a day that one should miss church . I was sad that I missed all of the great talks about the Resurrection and that I didn 't get to show off Hannah 's cute Easter dress . She 'll get to wear it next week , though , and I plan on taking some pictures of her in it , so stay tuned for those . Even though Hannah was sick , the Easter bunny still left her some treats . The right basket in this picture was her basket . She got a baby doll that she picked out at the toy store , some finger paints , and an alphabet puzzle ( and some more candy ) . Scott and I got 101 Dalmatians and Enchanted ( these are actually probably more for Hannah ) and a lot of candy ! I 've eaten so much candy these last few days . . . . . . I feel sick ! Finally , the Easter bunny left us one more present : We bought ourselves a 2005 Hyundai Sonata yesterday . I know what you 're thinking . . . . . ' WHAT ! ! A Hyundai . . . . why in the world would you buy that ? ' Those of you who have had a Hyundai before know that they used to have problems but are now actually one of the best cars out there . Our bishop works for them and says that they are the cars that he has to order parts for the least because they rarely break down . Our bishop also gave us his employee discount on the car , and wePosted by Look at my stud muffin strutting his stuff at the bowling alley . This picture is actually quite funny . . . . . it looks like he 's walking down a runway . Anyway , that 's not the reason that I am writing this blog . Cori Robinson wrote an awesome blog about how wonderful her husband is , and I pretended like I was tagged in doing this ( even though it wasn 't a tag blog ) because I would also like to write about how wonderful my husband is . Scott has been working so hard this semester . He goes to school full time , works about 30 hours a week , and does a great job at his calling . In the midst of all of this , he tries his hardest to spend as much time with Hannah and me as he can . I know he has a lot of pressure on him , mostly from me to do well in school , and I know it has been stressful for him . He is doing very well for his first semester at BYU in incredibly hard classes and I am proud of him . The minute he gets home from work , he usually goes off to our bedroom to study . Poor thing is so tired by the end of the day that he usually starts to fall asleep while he 's reading . I know that he is doing all of this for our family . He wants to do well in college so that he can provide for us in the future and I am so grateful for that ( even if I complain often that I don 't get to spend enough time with him ) . He has also been incredibly great about working while going to school so that I can stay home with Hannah , even though I know it would be a lot easier for him if I were to work . Scott and I also love a lot of the same things . I used to think that I always had to be out doing things to have fun , but now I know that we can have a great time together watching The Office or any other mindless TV show , or reading Harry Potter together . Scott 's also a wonderful father . He loves to play with Hannah . He reads to her , sings to her , and always has to get her after she 's woken up from a nap because he 's excited to see her . I am so glad that I married him ; I couldn 't have asked for a better man ! Now I tag you all to write something nice aboutPosted by I had to post these pictures because my mom made this adorable dress and jacket for Hannah . There is a reason why this is so important to me . I hope this doesn 't embarrass you mom , but I 'm going to talk a little bit about you . In 2005 , my mom started having health problems , which she later found out to be related with her thyroid . She struggled with anxiety attacks , infections , back and knee problems and more . I know that those years were very hard for her , and I wish that I could have been there for her . After more than two years of these health problems and many prayers and blessings , she is finally back to her normal spunky , adorable self , and I am so grateful for that . Thank you for the adorable outfits that you have made for Hannah . . . . . I 'm so glad that Heavenly Father answered our prayers and healed you . Hannah has been so interested in going potty lately . She usually tells me when she has gone " poo poos " and she always wants to come into the bathroom when either one of us ( Scott or I ) is going ( and she usually says , " pee pees " when she wants to come in ) . Last week I met a mother at the park whose daughter is already potty trained and isn 't even two yet . I asked her how she did it and she told me that they bought their daughter a little potty and kept it in the bathroom . They didn 't push their daughter into using it , but she quickly became interested on her own and was potty trained two months later . I decided that I wanted to try this tactic as well . Yesterday I bought Hannah a potty and put it in the bathroom . She played with it like a toy for awhile . Today I told her that that was where she could go " pee pee " or " poo poos " if she wanted to . This afternoon she kept saying " pee pee , " so I put her on her toilet to see if she would go . She sat there for a few minutes and then . . . . . . she went ! ! ! I was really surprised and happy ! ! I kept telling her " Good Job . . . You went pee pee ! " My happiness ended quickly when I realized that I am the one who will be cleaning out her potty after she goes . . . . yuck ! Anyway , I 'm sure it was just a fluke for now , but it was still fun . I 'm not going to push it on her because I know that she is young , but I would love it if she was potty trained by two . I know the average age is around 3 years , and I will be okay with that too , but to be able to save money on diapers and stop changing stinky poop would be a delight ! ! I have never really been into reading for pleasure . I never really loved English when I was young , although I did love to write ( Remember , Stacy , in " Writer 's Workshop " when we would compete in writing the most pages ? ) . When I was in high school , I felt like I was too busy to read for pleasure and when I had time , I would have to read the scriptures ( Ok , I did read an occasional book here or there ) . Then college came and reading for pleasure did not sound like fun to me , because I had to read thousands of text book pages or journal articles for my classes as well as the scriptures . Laying on the couch always sounded much more enticing to me than popping open another book ( reading took too much effort because you actually had to think ) . However , I told myself that I would start reading for pleasure as soon as I was done with college . In January , I finally started reading the Harry Potter series ( even though we have all of the movies ) and just finished the 7th book last night . They were awesome ! ! The books are so much more detailed than the movies and I found myself craving to read more , rather than to watch TV , to relax . I am depressed that I am done reading the books , but I am excited for the sixth movie to come out at the end of this year . The next series that I plan to read will be Twilight ( although I need to get my hands on a copy of them ; they are always out at the library ) . After I read that series , I really don 't know what to read . Does anyone have any suggestions for good books ? ? ? Reading has become a necessity at night now , but I feel like I don 't even know what books are good out there because I have never really been into reading before ( sad , I know ) . Well I was tagged again ! Stacy , I kept some of your answers because they were worded nicely . A - Attached or single : Very attached ! B - Best Friend : I would have to say that Scott is my best friend . C - Cake or Pie : I guess this depends on the cake or pie . Sometimes the frosting on cake can be gross to me . However , certain kinds of pie are gross to me too . I like banana creme pie and most berry pies , but I also love certain kind of cakes , especially ones that come from Costco . D - Day of Choice : Saturday . . . the whole day is at your dispense for whatever you want or need to do ! ! ! E - Essential Item : The diaper bag . . . . it goes with me just about everywhere . F - Favorite Color : dark redG - Gummi Bears or Worms : Worms . . . especially the sour kind . H : Hometown : Elk Grove , CAI - Indulgence ( s ) : ice cream , cheesecake , hot chocolateJ - January or July : JULY ! Summer ! K - Kids : One so far ! Our darling daughter . L - Life is incomplete without : My family and friendsM - Marriage Date : April 30 , 2004N - Number of Siblings : 3 sisters and 1 brotherO - Oranges or Apples : This depends . At first I would say oranges but I have had some pretty nasty oranges in my life . . . . ones that I couldn 't even finish because they were so dry and chewy . If the orange is juicy and perfectly ripe , then definitely oranges ; otherwise apples . P - Phobias or Fears : failing , spidersQ - Quote : I don 't wanna work , I just wanna bang on this mug all day - - from The OfficeR - Reason To Smile : Because someone told me a hilarious jokeS - Season : Summer for sure ( although I like spring too ) T - Tag Six : Anyone who wants to do it . . . . . I would love to see my sisters and mom do it ! U - Unknown Fact About Me : I am burned right now because I went tanning this week for the first time in years . If you notice me getting tanner in the next month , this is why ( although I hope to refrain from getting too tan like I did my Senior year when people started calling me brownie ) . V - Vegetarian or Oppressor of Animal : I am a meat eater . W - Worst Habit : Biting my nailsX - X - Rays or Ultrasounds : Ultrasounds ! ! ! Y - Your Favorite FoPosted by BeforeAfterYikes ! ! ! ! Poor Hannah is going to be stuck with my lioness hair . This picture of her reminds me of my Freshman year cheerleader picture , where my hair was out of control because the wind was blowing . Sometimes I feel bad for the bad genes that Scott and I have passed on to Hannah . Poor thing is going to have thick , wavy , coarse hair and will be told this by every hair stylist . Good thing hair straighteners and silky serum were invented ! ! ! ! Everyone I know has been sick these last few weeks with the flu or something else . It doesn 't seem to matter what state you are in either , as I have heard of friends / family being sick in Arizona , North Carolina , California , and here . Last Saturday Hannah woke up really sweaty , so I took her temperature and saw that she had a fever . It quickly raised throughout the day and hit 104 degrees . I was worried that she was going to start seizing , as I know of babies who have done this before because of a high fever . So , I did everything I could , gave her Tylenol , a cool bath , and plenty to drink . She didn 't seize , thank goodness , but had a terrible night 's sleep . Sunday morning we all missed church . My husband was kind enough to stay home with me so that I could sleep while he watched Hannah . Around noon on Sunday , Hannah 's fever suddenly went away . I was worried that she had the flu , so I was expecting other symptoms to come . She was really out of it that day , though , and even fell asleep in my arms , which she never does . Anyway , since Sunday Hannah has still not developed any other symptoms of the flu , so I believe she has Roseola ( thanks to my mom who told me about it ) . It 's just a virus that infants can get that causes a high fever and ends with a rash around the body . Tonight I noticed a rash forming around her chest and back which coincides with the symptoms of roseola . She has also been so much more fussy than usual . Yesterday I had to give myself a time out from her because I was losing my patience very quickly with her crying . Today was much better , though , and hopefully she will be completely better by tomorrow . It has been hard to watch her go through this . . . . . . . poor baby . I just wanted to apologize to Cori , as this is a contagious virus , and I really hope that your kids don 't get it . Posted by
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" Who is this woman yelling ? It can 't be me ! " I don 't even know how it happened . One minute I was my normal self , and the next I was this unrecognizable yelling monster . Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays . I love when my family gets together and just enjoys each others company . Not to mention all of the AMAZING food ! I know I 'm not the best at always being grateful for what I have and I 'm trying to work on it , but I can 't help but to be thankful today . I am so beyond blessed and God has taken such wonderful care of me . I am so thankful for Jesus and what he did for me . How He loves me no matter what I do and that I can never separate myself from Him . I could never truly understand what He did for me , but I am so thankful because I know that I don 't deserve it . I am so thankful for this man and that he puts up with me . I love how well he knows me and how we think the same . I definitely have found my other half ! He is the best daddy and husband . I don 't know why God saw fit to send him to me , but I am so thankful that He did ! I am definitely thankful for my beautiful babies , Jayleigh and Jaxson . These two made me a mama and complete our little family . I couldn 't imagine my life without them . They are such sweet and smart kids that make life so much sweeter ! I am so very thankful for my family . They have done so much for me and my family and I don 't know what I 'd do without them . I am so blessed to have family that loves each other 's company . I am also thankful for all of the wonderful friends that we think of as family . I am so blessed to have a great circle of friends that are always there for me and my family . I am glad that my kids will grow up with my friends ' kids . It is so amazing to see how we have all changed and grown , and yet we still keep up with each other ! I am thankful for our church , Wiregrass . I am grateful for their Sunday school classes and being able to volunteer . It is so nice to attend such an amazing church that I feel truly blessed to be a part of every week . I am a truly blessed woman . I have my health , family , food , and shelter . I have the ability to stay home with my kids and never miss a moment of their quickly passing childhood . I have met wonderful people online that I consider close friends . I have been able to keep doing my photography and just enjoy it . I am just so thankful . I hope all of you have a wonderful Thanksgiving and take time to be truly grateful . I don 't know your situation , but we all have something to be thankful for and sometimes our hectic lives help us forget that fact . I hope you all enjoy time with your family and friends ( and eat plenty of turkey ! ) . Much love friends and God bless ! Believe it or not , the twins ' birthday party has come and gone already . How is it possible that I have two 2 year olds ? ? * sigh … * The morning of their birthday we got up early and made them some breakfast . We took them some pancakes and let them eat their food in the bed . They loved it ! We had the party at home and thankfully the weather was perfect ! A tent was set up with a couple of tables and voila ! A great set up for a toddler 's party ! We had to have Mickey and Minnie ears , so my mom helped out and made some ! ( She is so dang talented ! ) We used black headbands and cut out circles ( with a little extra tab so that they would wrap around the headband ) . To help them stay steady , we put a piece of foam in the middle . They turned out great and the kids loved them ! We also had a couple of games set up . Bowling , ring toss , horseshoes , and coloring sheets ( that I forgot to put out … ) were all set out for the kids . The favorite was the bowling set up . * I have to admit that I enjoyed that one , too ! * The Toodle 's Treats were AMAZING ! We are still eating on them and I AM NOT complaining ! They took some doing to get right , but they were worth it ! You take a large Oreo and split in in half and one small Oreo split in half . Simply place a little extra frosting on the icing side of the large Oreo and place the stick and two small Oreo halves on the extra frosting . Place the other half of the Oreo on top and smoosh them together . Dip into melted chocolate and add sprinkles . Once people started arriving , we all took the party outside ! All of the kids had fun running around and playing . Jaxson and Jayleigh loved having all of their friends over ! And all too quickly the party was over and at 8 : 10 and 8 : 11 that night , we officially had 2 year olds ! I am so glad that they had a great day . I want to also thank everyone who called , texted , and joined us for the party . It means so much to us to have such wonderful friends and family that take the time to make my kids feel so loved ! You are all so amazing ! The day my babies came into this world is a day I will never forget . Most remember their child 's birthday fondly . How they labored for a few hours and soon after met their sweet little one along side their husband . I don 't remember my babies ' birthday quite this way . It is a day I will never forget because it was filled with fear and uncertainty . Now don 't get me wrong here , I cherish the day my babies decided to come into the world and complete my life . It is a day I thank God for blessing me more than I could have ever imagined . But it was definitely not the picture perfect day that I had hoped it would be . The entire day was a hectic and crazy mess . I started out in my hometown hospital with the " real deal " contractions . None of those Braxton Hicks contractions I had been having while on bedrest . These were definitely the real thing . I don 't remember much about this part thanks to the medicine they put me on , but I do remember the uncertainty and knowing that my amazing doctor was trying to figure out what was best for the babies and myself . My doctor finally said what I was hoping and praying wouldn 't have to happen . I was going to have to be transported 2 . 5 hours away to a hospital with a NICU facility . I was terrified . When we finally made it to Florida , there were more questions than answers . They did a quick ultrasound and then instantly whisked me away for an emergency c - section . My husband couldn 't go with me and I didn 't know if my babies were doing well . It was the scariest moment of my life . And then my view went black … When I came to my babies weren 't there . I was alone on a bed in recovery . My husband and parents joined me and told me that the babies were doing ok and had been taken straight to the NICU . My husband said he had gotten a quick glance at them as they were taken away . I was then transported to my room and told that because of a virus I had contracted I wouldn 't be able to see my babies for 2 days . * Cue the waterworks * After 8 months of carrying my precious babies , I felt empty . The overwhelming sadness I felt is something I don 't think I will ever truly overcome . Those were the longest two days of my life . Seeing them removed all of my doubts and fears . I knew I had to be there for them . No matter how exhausting NICU life was , I had to be strong for them because they were being strong for me . Adjusting to life in the NICU was hard . I 'm not going to sugar coat it . To give you an idea , try to change a baby 's diaper while they are hooked up to a minimum of 4 cords and are inside of a small box with 2 armholes . Try to imagine walking out of that room and leaving your newborn with complete strangers that you are trusting to take the best care of your child . Try being told that you can 't touch or hold your child . Try to hold tight to the notion that they need their mother , yet you can 't be there for them . It is a helpless feeling and the guilt was overwhelming as I spent my nights separate from my newborns . The mommy guilt ate away at me everyday of our NICU stay . I know it isn 't useful to constantly feel guilty , but I do . I feel like I didn 't do everything I could for my babies . I am certain that I have never cried as much as I did during this period of my life . It was so uncertain and so empty . What I should have been using as a time to recover and let my body heal , I instead worried and was constantly busy to keep my mind off of the fact that my babies weren 't with me . It is a strange feeling . During our time in the NICU , we adjusted to a schedule . I still woke every 3 hours because I was trying my hardest to be able to nurse my babies when they came home . The constant struggle of dealing with nothing but a breast pump and a low supply was physically and emotionally draining . As if I didn 't feel guilty enough , I wasn 't making enough milk for my babies and they were having to supplement . It was a constant back and forth to a quiet lonely room to use a breast pump . I tried so hard to do right by my babies . The best part of our schedule was when we actually went to the NICU to see them . We always wanted to do everything while we were visiting . We even asked that they only do bath time when we were there so that we could do it . My husband and I visited constantly and made sure to do it at the same time every day . This way the nurses knew when to expect us . It made us feel more involved and like we had a little bit of a say in our babies ' day . While in the NICU we came to depend on the nurses . We quickly grew to love certain nurses and would make sure to visit during their shift . Those nurses are a rare gift and have a special talent for not only caring for preemies , but also their parents . They realize that we are fragile emotionally and need to be handled with care and ease . I am so incredibly grateful for the wonderful nurses that took care of my babies . It was hard to leave my babies , but at least I KNEW they were in the best care . Another thing that I had no experience with until we had babies in the NICU was the Ronald McDonald House . That house is an amazing contribution to the community . To have a house full of people who are willing to help you , feed you , and shelter you during a difficult time is a blessing not everyone gets to experience . They make it possible to completely devote all extra time and energy to helping your babies thrive . I don 't know how we would have survived NICU life without the house and volunteers . I 'm not going to lie . I still struggle with memories of the NICU even two years later . I look through pictures and cry . Every . Time . It still just seems so fresh and raw . I don 't think that feeling will ever go away and I don 't know that I want it to in some aspects . I don 't ever want to forget what I went through and how God was there with me every step of the way . And I definitely don 't want to ever forget how strong and determined my kids are . The NICU showed me just how amazing they are and what they are capable of doing . It is always a part of me and my babies , no matter what . I believe no one knows strength quite like a NICU mom . To see a premature baby fight to grow and learn outside of the womb is nothing short of a miracle . We NICU moms witness God 's amazing grace and healing . We see how strong such tiny humans truly are . We know what it means to fight . NICU moms you are truly amazing . For moms dealing with NICU life right now , I am praying for you and your baby . I hope that you are given peace and understanding and that your sweet little one grows quickly and is able to be home soon . You are both doing an amazing job and I am here if you need to talk . Anytime . Even if you just need to vent . Feel free to drop me an email or message me on Facebook and just let it all out . I am always here to listen . I understand that sometimes it just helps to talk to someone who has been there . You are not alone . P . S . If you want to know more about the Ronald McDonald house or to donate visit their site here or donate at any McDonald 's location . It 's that easy and it is such a great blessing to families in need ! Life with two toddlers is interesting to say the least . They are constantly on the move and into everything ! Both of them love to explore , play , and learn and it is so amazing to see them do all of this together . My sweet Jayleigh Bug is my little ring leader . Born only 1 minute earlier than Jaxson , she takes her " older " sibling responsibility very seriously . She loves to take care of her brother and is such a little mama ! At any given time you can catch her loving on a baby and giving it kisses . She is such a loving little sweetheart . When she isn 't playing with her babies you can find her being a serious diva ! She loves her jewelry , headbands , finger nail polish , and shoes . If there is a shoe laying around , she will try it on ! She also loves to shop and will point out clothes and yell " Cute ! " if she likes it ! ( I am in some serious trouble ! ) My sweet little girl loves to read books . One of her favorite things to do is grab a book and sit with me or daddy and have us point out objects for her . She loves to repeat it back to us and is so proud when she gets it right . She is such a smartie and absorbs information . It is amazing how much she retains ! Jayleigh really loves to dance and talk . She usually dances to her favorite shows , Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Doc McStuffins . Sometimes she will even sing while she dances ! And as far as talking goes , it is nonstop until you get her out in a crowd . She doesn 't care for hamming it up in a large group anymore , she prefers a smaller audience these days ! She says a lot of words and some of her favorites are shoes , baby , Mama , Dada , Mimi , Pop , Uncle Gou , Minnie , and Doc . One of her favorite activities is grabbing a photo album and naming everyone in it ! My baby girl is growing up so quick . She is becoming such a smart and sweet girl . I am so blessed to be her Mama and so thankful that she is such a Mama 's girl . I can 't wait to see what the future holds for my little headstrong diva ! My little Jax Man is such a sweetheart . He is very headstrong , but he is so loving and is definitely a Daddy 's boy . He loves playing with Jayleigh and loves it even more when she takes care of him ! He is so laid back and fun ! Jaxson is definitely addicted to cars and Jeeps . He almost always has a car in his hand and you better watch out if you take it away from him ! He is learning very well from his Daddy and can pick out any jeeps in a parking lot or on the road . It 's crazy ! He also loves his tractors , too . If it has an engine , Jaxson wants it ! One of Jaxson 's favorite activities is playing at the park . Used to he didn 't care for the slide , but lately he just goes for it ! Nothing slows him down anymore ! He loves to climb the walls , go down the slide , and crawl through any tunnel . He has no fear and that scares me to death ! He is definitely a boy and comes home with a scratch or bump every time ! Jaxson didn 't care much for learning and talking at first and I was kind of concerned . But he quickly cleared that up and has started talking up a storm ! He is constantly telling us " stories " that we can 't follow yet . I love to hear him babble to us . He gets so serious sometimes that I wish I really knew what he was saying . And his newest favorite thing is showing off his newest learned skills ! He has amazed us with how well he is learning his letters and numbers . On a whim , he just started showing us blocks and telling us what letter was on it . We couldn 't believe it ! All day long he points letters out to us . I love the sweet proud little smile he gives when he does it because you can tell he is so proud of himself ( and so are we ) ! It is amazing what he retains ! I am so proud to be this sweet boy 's Mama . He is such a sweet and loving little guy . I can 't believe how big and independent he is getting . His future is wide open and I can 't wait to see where it takes him ! I am so thankful for my little family . My sweeties mean the world to me and I can 't imagine my life without them . God has blessed us so much and I know he will continue to bless my sweet ( not so baby ) babies . I just love them so much ! Well Halloween has come and gone . Crazy how fast time flies when you are having fun ! This was the twins ' second Halloween . Here 's a flashback to their first ! Then we had a harvest festival at my grandmother 's church . We did a hayride , dinner , and trunk or treat . The kids loved trunk or treat ! The kids and Daddy with MeeMaw The final Halloween fun was trick or treating on Halloween night . It was cold ! But the kids still had a great time . We walked around the square and the kids didn 't want to get down at first but eventually they would run up to the people handing out candy . I can 't believe that they are growing up so fast . It seems like yesterday they were bald little butterballs ! 🙂 Just wanted to share a fun day with y ' all ! Have a great weekend ! The kids had so much fun making them and I must admit , they were very tasty ! Scroll through the pictures and be sure to save the recipe at the bottom and try them for yourself . I made this kid friendly by putting all of the ingredients into bowls before we got started so that I didn 't have to try and measure things out with them helping . Then they added milk , vanilla , an egg , flour , salt , baking soda , and ( the best part ) chocolate and m & ms ! After adding all of the ingredients , they got to watch the mixer . They thought it was so neat ! P . S . Please ignore the way I look ! I wasn 't expecting to be in any pictures ! These cookies are always a favorite recipe and my brother always requests them when he comes home . They are my go - to for family get togethers ! I am a stay at home mom and I enjoy teaching my toddlers the ins and outs of everyday life . Having twins sure has its challenges , but I wouldn 't have it any other way ! I love to connect with other moms in a way that only the internet can provide . Link up with me to stay in the loop and let 's chat ! Finally cashed in and got my Christmas gift done ! I am THRILLED with how it turned out ! I designed it myself and got it done by @ danielwatkins13 at @ dinosaurtattoocompany . Great place ! ! I would definitely recommend them ! What My Daughter Taught Me about BeautyI had a conversation with my daughter the other day about an upcoming appointment : Me : I 'm going to get my eyes checked so that I can go without these glasses sometimes . Do you think I 'll look weird or good ? Jayleigh : Um … weird . Me : Weird ? ? I 'll just look like this * takes off glasses * Jayleigh : * silence for a [ … ] Overcoming The Momster WithinIt happened today . It came for me and it won . MOMSTER It invaded our house and took over . I just stood looking on in amazement . " Who is this woman yelling ? It can 't be me ! " I don 't even know how it happened . One minute I was my normal self , and the next I was this unrecognizable [ … ] Up for Review : Melissa & Doug Catch & Count Fishing GameOn the blog today I 'll be sharing with y ' all about our experience with the Melissa & Doug Catch & Count Fishing Game !
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By Jennifer Ravey 2011 , my fellow readers and bloggers , has sucked . Yes , I realize it 's only Day 19 , but from Day 1 , spent at the ER with my Dad , it has sucked . Then there was Week 1 with Dad in the hospital , and work literally being the most insane . Ugh . Not to say there haven 't been a few good moments . I 'm grateful I am employed . I am grateful my Dad is * mostly * ok and on a regimen to strengthen his heart for surgery . All in all , my daily mantra has become " Get glad in the same pants you got mad in " because it can always be worse , and I know it . How does this relate to mysteries ? Mysteries are , to me , like therapy . I hibernate with mysteries . There is some healing property in them , as you may be able to discern looking at the sidebar . Yep , every read in 2011 has been a mystery . So how were they ? Let me tell you : Funny , quirky , a little bit naughty and not a lot nice . This debut is about a young - ish policewoman , Clare , who is eager to prove herself as an undercover cop . She bristles around her handler and isn 't the most perceptive cop , so she gets in trouble . A lot . Like , murders happen with her in the same room . However , she isn 't grating . Here 's the deal : a politician gets killed , and an organization , The Society for Political Utopia , not only takes responsibility but also writes the local newspaper an obituary , explaining why . As the murders continue , everyone is a suspect , local university students who follow cult - like after their leader ; the professor himself , who thinks he 's a maverick but who is , in reality , a stereotype , sleeping with his students ; the mayor 's wife who has lived , as a lesbian , separately from him for years . All the while , the killer messages Annabel , a reporter for the local paper who wants to stay close to the story , but the story may come just a little too close . There were a few moments where I had to really suspend my disbelief , but all in all , this was a fun read . I read this trio quickly and enjoyed every minute . Agatha Raisin is a middle - aged former publicist - turned - detective who is quite a bit vain and helplessly dependent on the idea of love , specifically when it comes to James Lacey , a man who , in all appearances , seems to want nothing to do with her . In The Terrible Tourist , Agatha chases after James to Cyprus , where all sorts of hijinks occur . Agatha meets an odd group of tourists while on a boating trip . She is alone , and there are two other trios , each a married couple and an older gentlemen . One group appears to be old money , while the other is a bit crass . The nouveau riche woman is murdered , and Agatha is in constant danger of being murdered . She is also in danger of leaving Cyprus broken hearted . In Love from Hell , Agatha and James are married , cannot abide one another , and argue constantly . That is , until James disappears , and a woman ( with whom he has been sleeping ) is found murdered . Agatha must , with the help of her friends , clear James 's name and determine whether or not she has any love left for her husband . The Deadly Dance is the first novel where Agatha sets up her agency . The local constabulary isn 't happy with her amateurish investigations , but she quickly proves herself with the help of her ever - growing staff . The agency gets its first big " case " and what initially appears to be a horrible mistake , turns into a case bigger than Agatha bargained for . With the help of her friend / lover Charles , she must track down a fiendish , cold - blooded killer . If I had to choose , I would most likely pick Hamish Macbeth over Agatha Raisin . The novels still have quite a bit of charm , but the stories don 't jump around like the Agatha Raisin series . In this episode , Hamish Macbeth decides to take a trip to ease his discontent . He drives to the hamlet of Stoyre , but the small village does not restore Macbeth the way he would wish . Instead , he finds a village somewhat different than what he remembers . The villagers are not welcoming ; in fact , a fire destroys the home of the only outsider in Stoyre . Macbeth tries to investigate but is stopped at every turn by closemouthed , fearful villagers . Macbeth must make a chink in the village 's armor and figure out what the crime is with the help of reporter Elspeth and an elderly couple - Mrs . Docherty and Mr . Jefferson . Each of these is a great read , and I could certainly recommend them for light reading . What about you ? Any mysteries lately ? What have you been reading ? P . S . If you want to know about the two Winspear 's I read , stay tuned . I plan to write full reviews of each because they were fantastic ! By Jennifer Ravey Judge a book by its cover ? Moi ? You must be mistaken . I mean , why would I ever look at the cover art and determine a book 's worth … ok , I can 't keep it up . Will you please look at this cover ? Is it not just perfection ? When I first saw it , I thought : " Genius . " Then I got my hands on a copy at my local library ( have I mentioned how much I love my local library ? ) and thought it all the more . What you can 't see in the photo is that the blood spatter is actually a cut out and that the red paper beyond it is a shiny scarlet red . It 's absolutely brilliant . In The Sherlockian , the book opens with Conan Doyle vowing to kill off Sherlock Holmes . It 's actually quite funny . Doyle is jealous of Holmes 's fame and intends to be done with him , remarking " If I don 't , … he 'll make a death of me . " His friends argue as to what will be the death of Holmes , and Doyle seriously considers how his own life has been intertwined with that of Holmes . This is what Moore has done well . He has made flesh of a man many only see as the man behind Holmes . He injects regret and joy , sorrow and guilt into this writer and his friend , Bram Stoker as they embark on a prideful journey to prove Doyle , the creator , is just as good , if not better , than his creation . I found the scenes with the pair conversing to be the most engaging aspects of the novel . Abruptly , however , the action switches to present day and a meeting of the Baker Street Irregulars , a group of Holmes devotees . Harold , its newest and youngest member , has been inducted after some preeminent research into Holmes . The meeting takes a sobering turn when a member , Alex Cale , comes into the hotel looking disheveled and claiming he is being followed . Alex supposedly has in his possession the missing diary of Conan Doyle . The next morning , Cale is found dead ; the diary is missing , and Harold takes it upon himself to , along with Sarah , a reporter , in true Holmesian fashion , deduce the killer and the whereabouts of the diary . Unfortunately , though I loved the Doyle / Stoker friendship and the mystery Doyle seeks to solve , Harold was just so incredibly blah . His character was not only uninteresting , but having built him up as an academic and researcher , Moore has simply written a boring , pathetic character . His naivete and clumsiness are not endearing , and at several points , I was irritated with him and Moore 's much - too - blatant hints and winks at the reader . Sarah , a " reporter " whose motives are obviously less than altruistic , pushes her way into the action , and both her relationship with Harold and her identity are simply ridiculous . There is no chemistry between the two , yet the reader is expected to believe Harold is willing to toss away his career for this woman . I hate to be harsh , but I expected much , much more from this novel . And , to be fair , had Moore stuck with Doyle and Stoker , I would possibly be telling a much different tale . Unfortunately , he didn 't , and my powers of observation tell me this one won 't likely go down in the annals of Sherlockian history . However , I do hope for bigger and better tales from Moore after this somewhat disappointing debut . By Jennifer Ravey Except not really because I would probably be absolutely petrified , have a heart attack , and die . If you are completely lost , the title refers to the first and very well - known line from the eerie Rebecca by Daphne Du Maurier . My first experience with Rebecca was as a child when I first watched Hitchcock 's interpretation with Joan Fontaine and Laurence Olivier . I 've seen it half a dozen times , more recently two months ago . I finally picked up a copy of the book at the library the day before Thanksgiving and devoured it as it rained outside , which , I have to say , is pretty much perfect reading weather but is certainly perfect Du Maurier reading weather . The unnamed narrator , a young , unworldly woman , meets Maxim de Winter in Monte Carlo while acting as a companion to Mrs . Van Hopper , an older , wealthy , prattling woman . Mrs . Van Hopper refers to some sort of awful tragedy Mr . de Winter has endured ( she seems to know everything about everyone ) , but our narrator doesn 't pry . Mrs . Van Hopper becomes ill , and the narrator finds herself more and more in the company of Mr . de Winter , an inscrutable but fascinating older man . All too quickly , the holiday in Monte Cristo comes to a close , but Maxim refuses to let the naive young narrator sail off into the sunset . No , there is a much - less - happy - ending in the narrator 's future . The couple goes to Manderley , Maxim 's estate , and the young companion has no idea how to run a household , much less a household as large as Manderley . She meets the household staff and quickly learns Maxim goes about Maxim 's business while she is left to her own devices . Mrs . Danvers , the housekeeper , conspicuously brings up Rebecca ( the first Mrs . De Winter ) in conversation , referring to how Mrs . DeWinter did this and how Mrs . DeWinter did that , leaving the narrator feeling more insecure and less able to learn how to adjust to her new home . Mrs . Danvers tempts the narrator with discussions of Rebecca 's rooms , the best in the house . When the narrator walks through the grounds , she looks up and curtains in Rebecca 's old room part to reveal Mrs . Danvers , ever watchful . Let 's stop there . Mrs . Danvers is easily one of the most spooky characters I have ever read about or watched in a film . Her obsession with Rebecca and her obvious distaste for the new Mrs . DeWinter verges on demented . This is one twisted housekeeper , and you should be very , very afraid . As for Maxim , he is gone quite often and has turned sullen and standoffish inside the walls of Manderley . His moods are inconstant ; he treats the narrator like a young girl ( which drove me nuts ) . In the face of near insurmountable evidence , the narrator naturally believes he is still in love with the dead Rebecca . She begs him to host a ball for the neighbors , a costume ball , and Mrs . Danvers suggests what the narrator should wear . The tension mounts until the night of the party , and then there is all sorts of action . Who was Rebecca , and what happened to her ? I will leave you hanging here because I don 't want to spoil anything . Plus , I think every blogger is owed several " Go read this book right now " statements throughout the year , so I 'm calling in my first . Go read this book . Second , watch the movie . Third , come back and thank me , and we can talk . Need some more reasons ? Spooky house ? Check . Crazy housekeeper ? Check . Dead wife ? Check . Now go . If you 've read it , have you seen the movie ? I seriously felt as though it played in my head the entire time . Hitchcock , of course , is a genius , but this film is truly a work of art and an excellent , excellent adaptation . What did you think ? Rebecca truly made me want to devour everything DuMaurier has written . By Jennifer Ravey Actually , it 's three mysteries . I did quite a bit of reading last weekend , and I decided to do three short reviews as opposed to individual ones . In fact , I may bring this back regularly since I tend to read them often . If you 've read any good mysteries lately and want to link up , leave your link in comments , and I 'll include it here . Every now and again I just get on a kick where all I want to read are mysteries , so bear with me . It usually happens toward the end of a semester when my brain feels fried from grading essay after essay . So , in no particular order , here 's the low down : I 've heard quite a bit about M . C . Beaton , both from bloggers and from my mom , who loves Agatha Raisin . Even though cozy mysteries aren 't usually what I like , I thought it might be a nice switch . What a pleasant surprise , then , to find quite a nice combination of hardened detective and charming Lochdubh in this book . This isn 't the first book in the series , but I definitely didn 't feel as though I was left out in any way . Hamish Macbeth is the underdog . His superiors don 't really like his methods , but his methods seem to solve a lot of cases . In this book , Macbeth is seeking out a writer of petty but poisonous letters . Everyone seems to have gotten one , and Macbeth is afraid pretty soon someone will take matters into her own hands . Of course , he 's right , and pretty soon there are swinging corpses showing up and startling the otherwise quiet village . Throw in an outsider looking for an adventure and following Macbeth in an effort to make her friend ( and Macbeth 's former girlfriend ) jealous , a nosy reporter , and a vindictive headmistress of a local school , and the writing is on the wall : Murder most foul , as Miss Marple would say ( not to totally mix my cozy mysteries ) . Ah , I had such high hopes for this book . A mobile librarian who is a bit of a deadbeat ? A mobile librarian who is a bit of a deadbeat who also runs into crime ? Sign me up . Israel Armstrong is that librarian , and the story opens with him setting up a mobile exhibit about a local legend - Dixon and Pickering 's , a department store . As he is setting up , though , the store is robbed , and the owner , Mr . Dixon , disappears ( see ! that 's where the title come from ) . The local police don 't trust Armstrong , who is an outsider in this Irish village and has a very funny name for an Englishman . He is arrested , and mayhem ensues . The setup is all very nice , and the humor is great . My biggest problem with this mystery ? It couldn 't decide whether or not it was cozy or hardboiled . One instant , Israel is dressing in disguise and trying to decipher the local dialect , the next , he is dropping the C word ( very bad ) and pissing me off . Eh . I may try another , and I certainly don 't hope to dissuade you . It just didn 't make me an instant fan . Don 't be fooled . Beaton may be the same author of this series and the Hamish Macbeth series , but they are definitely distinct series . I enjoyed them both , even though the cozy mystery is not usually my cup of tea . Agatha 's husband has left her for the monastery - except he never makes it to the monastery . Her pride is just a bit hurt until the new curate , a devilishly handsome younger man , asks her to dinner . However , shortly after their dinner ( and a goodnight kiss ) , Tristan the curate , is found murdered . Agatha and her handsome mystery writer friend take on the investigation themselves , traveling to and from London with several near misses , red herrings , all while a cold - blooded murderer is on the loose . The murders are actually quite vicious , which I didn 't expect for a cozy mystery , and the ending was satisfying . What more can you ask for ? I do hope you 've enjoyed these short reviews . As I mentioned before , if you 've reviewed any of these or possibly other mysteries , let 's link up ! Anyone else feel like winter is perfect cozy mystery weather ? If so , what 's on your list ? By Jennifer Ravey Saturday night , I was exhausted . Like , too tired to read , and I 'm never too tired to read . I guess dancing at The Broken Spoke until midnight Friday night and then traipsing across the capitol ALL day on Saturday was a bit much for this gal . I mapped out Sunday 's events , watched some HGTV in the hotel ( I don 't have cable , so this was thrilling ) and crashed . Sunday found me refreshed and excited to get to my two panels : Moderated by Skip Hollinsworth of Texas Monthly and filmed by BookTV , I was really excited about this panel . Criminals fascinate me , and I was practically fused to my seat I was so enthralled . Malcolm Beith , Jonathan Eig , Hampton Sides , and James Swanson were all panelists . Each has a new book out dealing with infamous criminals . James Swanson , who wrote Manhunt about John Wilkes Booth , has a new book out called Blood Crimes , which is about Jefferson Davis . Patricia Cornwell deemed Manhunt to be one of the top two true crime novels along with Truman Capote 's In Cold Blood . Hampton Sides writes about James Earl Ray in Hellhound . Jonathan Eig 's new book Get Capone posits new theories of the life Al Capone . Finally , Malcolm Beith wrote The Last Narco , a book about El Chapo , organized crime leader in Mexico . The panel started on a light - hearted note as Hollinsworth asked Eig how he switched from writing about baseball players to Al Capone . Eig said he thought long and hard and asked himself : " Who else used baseball bats ? " Eig 's sense of humor was welcome on the panel , and I 'm curious how much humor comes across in his book . He says Capone was really " a product of Prohibition " who otherwise may have driven a truck or stocked store shelves . He had a chance to rake in money , though , and he took it . The odd thing about Capone , according to Eig , is how willingly he accepted the infamy . He asked " what kind of person welcomes that sort of attention " and ended by saying , " We 've all got a little bit of larceny in us . " Sides and Swanson were much more serious , tackling topics of national sensitivity . When asked how easily they could shake off the people of whom they wrote , all the authors said they could not . Sides and Swanson are left with questions as both John Wilkes Booth and James Earl Ray left many unanswered questions . I particularly felt for Malcolm Beith , as he seemed genuinely disturbed by El Chapo . He answered he would never shake the man off because of the horror of his crimes , at one time killing 300 people in a vat of acid . El Chapo owns 23 , 000 square miles in Mexico and has enormous amounts of power . Beith , a former Mexican journalist , now resides in America and relates that at least 45 journalists in Mexico have died trying to bring to light the corruption . This was a quirky bunch . Harry Hunsicker moderated a panel of authors including Lou Berney , Jonathan Woods , and Mark Haskell Smith . I haven 't read any of these authors , but the panel itself sounded interesting . Each was laidback and humorous and focused mainly on writing itself and not individual books . Hunsicker asked if there is any pressure to be funny , but each responded in the negative , Burney saying he writes characters " who aren 't funny but have a good sense of humor . " How do you make sex funny ? Woods , Berney , and Smith all agreed sex just is sort of funny . In fact , Berney doesn 't like writing sex scenes : " It embarrasses me ; it embarrasses my Golden Retriever . " He relayed a couple of humorous scenes from his book . Smith said sex is just plain awkward , and he starts with that . He , though , apparently doesn 't shy away from these scenes , instead writing every gory detail . ( My mom went to another panel the day before and said it was the closest thing to porn she 's ever heard . Apparently people with children there walked out as there was no warning and a children 's author was on the panel . Odd ) All agreed , as Burney said , " You have to learn to love killing things . " There is not a lot of humor in crime , but as Smith said , often the people with the best sense of humor are in law enforcement . The gist was , if we can 't laugh at something , we might as well " put a collective gun to our collective head , " Woods said The audience here definitely felt more like a bunch of amateur writers . You know the type . They are really there for validation of their own work as opposed to really listening to what the authors have to say . Not all amateurs are like this , but many are . I did ask a question , though , to see if any of these guys knew any other funny noir other than Dashiell Hammett who wrote around the same time . They gave me some more current names , but that wasn 't really what I was looking for . It was a fun panel , though , and I will likely pick up Burney 's book Gutshot Straight . Mark Haskell Smith has written several books , Baked , Salty , Delicious , and Moist . Woods has a new collection of short stories Bad Juju and Other Tales of Madness and Mayhem . The weekend was fabulous , and I can 't believe I have to wait another year to go back . I will definitely have to find some bookish events in the meantime . I hope you , dear reader , have something fun and bookish to look forward to - any great events happening near you ? By Jennifer Ravey As I sat there remembering , time went by … . Then a full moon rose , scattering its bone - white light , in which I fancied I could see clear through the water to the village that used to be there , like an image preserved in water glass . There it was , spread out below me , darkly glittering and shimmering under the barely perceptible rippling of the surface As I stared , I began to feel that I could reach out and touch it . It was like the wold beyond the mirror in Cocteau 's Orpheus . When you reach out and touch the glass , it turns to water and you can plunge through it into the Underworld . Peter Robinson 's In a Dry Season revolves around Hobb 's End , a Yorkshire village flooded and turned into a reservoir in the early 1950s . In a particularly hot summer , the reservoir dries up , and a young boy playing in the detritus discovers a body buried under an outbuilding . DCI Alan Banks is on the outs with his boss Jimmy Riddle and is given the case as punishment . Riddle should know better as Banks sinks his teeth into the decades - old case , determined to find the killer if he or she is still alive . Robinson interweaves the present with Banks ' marriage and career in tatters with a country in similar plight : 1940s Hobb 's End , complete with blackout curtains , RAF dances , rationing , death , and suffering . Gwen Shackleton , the shopkeeper 's daughter , cares for her ailing mother and minds the shop . One day , Gloria comes into the store , and Gwen the quiet , bookish girl compares Gloria 's eyes to Hardy 's novel A Pair of Blue Eyes . When Gloria asks for cigarettes out of the store 's ration , Gwen tells her no . I was lying , of course . We did have cigarettes , but what small supply we had we kept under the counter for our registered customers . We certainly didn 't go selling them to strange and beautiful land girls with eyes out of Thomas Hardy novels . Banks is a quiet detective . If you 've had no exposure to him before , he likes his Laphroaig , but he likes it with a side of opera . He 's flawed but fascinating with a deep sense of right and wrong , whether right and wrong is inside police procedural or not . In a Dry Season is one of his best , and I 'm looking forward to reviewing his newest book for LibraryThing 's Early Reviewer group . If you have never read any Robinson , I urge you to look him up ( as well as Ian Rankin ) . If you 've read any Robinson , what are your favorites ? Have you read this particular novel ? Are you looking forward to his latest ? By Jennifer Ravey I first picked up a Sarah Waters novel as an undergraduate . I was buying books at the campus bookstore , and the book caught my eye because Sarah Waters was my great - grandmother 's name . Plus , the cover was beautiful . Reading the back , I was hooked . When I think about it now , I laugh at my naive self - at the time , buying a book for a class I wasn 't taking seemed illicit and dangerous . Yes , I know . I was a dork . No underage binge drinking or kegstands . Instead , I bought books THAT WERE NOT ON MY COURSE LIST . After seeing The Little Stranger reviews the last couple months , I decided I needed to find more of her work . My library didn 't have any , but I filled out a handy little card with Affinity , and lo and behold , they called me last week to let me know they had acquired the book and were holding it for me . ( I love the library ) . A splendid example of Gothic literature , Affinity is an exploration of mental illness , spiritualism , confinement , and sexuality . Margaret Prior is " ill . " Her father has died and with him , any hope she may have of freedom . A spinster , she worked with her father , a writer and researcher of Renaissance art . He has promised Margaret a trip to Italy with her close friend ( and , it appears , former lover ) Helen . After he dies , though , Margaret sees a long , bleak life , caring for her mother . Her father 's friend Mr . Shillitoe intervenes and convinces Margaret and her mother to allow Margaret to visit Millbank , the local prison , as a Lady Visitor . There , she will show the inmates how to be a lady and , more importantly , will learn how much better she has it than the women she visits . [ Millbank 's ] scale is vast , and its lines and angles , when realised in walls and towers of yellow brick and shuttered windows , seem only wrong or perverse . It is as if the prison had been designed by a man in the grip of a nightmare or a madness - or had been made expressly to drive its inmates mad . I think it would certainly drive me mad , if I had to work as a warder there . As it was , I walked flinchingly beside the man who led me , and paused once to glance behind me , then to gaze at the wedge of sky that showed above . were terribly dull . Their faces were pale , and their necks , and their wrists and fingers , very slender . I thought of Mr . Shillitoe saying that a prisoner 's heart was weak , impressionable , and needed a finer mould to shape it . I thought of it , and became aware again of my own heart beating . It was only from this , indeed , that I knew the cell was occupied at all , for there seemed to emanate from it a marvellous stillness - a silence , that seemed deeper yet than all the restless Millbank hush surrounding it . Even as I began to wonder over it , however , the silence was broken . It was broken by a sigh , a single sigh - it seemed to me , a perfect sigh , like a sigh in a story ; and the sigh being such a complement to my own mood I found it worked upon me , in that setting , rather strangely . The woman prisoner , sentenced to four years because of fraud and assault is Selina Dawes , a young spiritualist . The novel switches between Margaret 's written diary and Miss Dawes ' own account of her activities as a spiritualist . Miss Dawes , taken in by Mrs . Brink , a lady obsessed with communicating with her mother 's spirit , holds dark circles ( or seances ) for Mrs . Brink and her friends . One fateful night , however , she sits with a young woman who is beaten during their session . When Mrs . Brink comes upon the scene , she has a heart attack and dies . Selina explains that her spirit guide Peter Quick hurts the young woman , but to no avail . She is imprisoned . The two women are drawn to one another . As not quite lady but not quite thief , Selina enjoys the companionship , and Margaret feels bolstered . She is at first skeptical of Selina 's gift , but Selina sees things about Margaret she cannot . The two become close , and Selina calls Margaret by a secret name - Aurora . Selina tells her : I feel your sorrow as darkness … . Oh , what an ache it is ! I thought at first that it had emptied you , that you were hollow , quite hollow , like an egg with the meat blown out of it . I think you think that , too . But you are not empty . You are full - only shut quite tight , and fastened like a box . What do you have here that you must keep locked up like that ? Selina hits upon it , and it seems to set Margaret burning . For Margaret has much hidden - she loves or loved Helen , now her brother 's wife ; she wants to go to Italy and is jealous of her sister 's honeymoon there ; she writes constantly , hiding her diary from her mother and the servants . She begins a sort - of symbiotic relationship with Selina . She strengthens , saying : I knew my trips to her had made me too much like myself , like my old self , my naked Aurora self . Now , when I tried to be Margaret again , I couldn 't . It seemed to me that she had dwindled , like a suit of clothes . But instead of the relationship sapping Selina of her strength as the dark circles did - Selina , too , seems emboldened by it . Margaret and Selina begin to make plans for an unbelievable escape , and Margaret stands up to her mother . She is tired of being discussed while her back is turned and wonders , when Stephen discusses her illness with her mother : Affinity was captivating for a lot of reasons , particularly for me because the correlation between much of the book and the story " The Yellow Wallpaper " by Charlotte Perkins Gilman . It 's one of my favorites - in fact , part of my graduate thesis focused on it - and the similarities were too blatant to ignore . Knowing it is one of Waters ' favorites sealed the deal . If you have read the story , look back at the first description of the prison : it 's spot - on Gilman . The narrator is convincing , even though she is , on closer examination , unreliable . The story is told through a diary , a forbidden means of expression . " Voice " is also a concern in both - who hears the narrator ? There were actually points within the novel where I found myself wondering if Selina was part of Margaret 's psyche ; she already has an alternate identity - Aurora - that makes her feel more like herself . The novel , as most of Waters ' books , has an astounding twist , one that left me both haunted and betrayed . Because other than setting the tone masterfully , Waters has the ability to make me feel like her main character . At first , I was skeptical of Selina , but I , too , was drawn in by her and began to believe the spirits visited her . I believed she could escape through the help of her spirit friends , so at the end , ( I won 't go into detail ) the twist so startled me , I felt rocked , but not in the sense that it was implausible or not in keeping with the rest of the book . The somewhat unreliable narrator ( Margaret is given chloral and laudanum through much of the story ) felt believable and sympathetic . The one problem I had with the ending was not knowing the truth of Selina 's story . However , the more I thought about it , the more I could see the full effect of Waters ' writing . Much like Margaret , I was left in confusion . Bothersome though it may be , I wasn 't ever to know the truth of Selina 's story . Dark and oppressive , Affinity is an irresistible read - just think about starting it on a bright , sunny day , not a rain , dreary evening like I did … By Jennifer Ravey It should come as absolutely no surprise to anyone here that I am extremely picky about audiobook narrators . I can 't even remember which book it was now , but a couple weeks ago , I turned one on , and within five minutes , I punched the eject button . The woman was an overachiever when it came to character intonations : her " kid " voice was so grating , I couldn 't stand it a second longer . Charles Keating , on the other hand , is superb . Let me just get that out of the way ; he is perfection . I 'm already on another audiobook narrated by him , and it is fabulous as well . What Came Before He Shot Her is written by Elizabeth George . Mystery readers may recognize her name , but do not be fooled : This novel is no mystery . Mysteries do not divulge what happens in the title . Mysteries do not ( typically ) focus on the perpetrator of the crime . Instead , this book is a sociological , psychological exploration of a cast of characters I won 't soon forget . The book opens with three children of mixed race - Ness , Joel , and Toby - being shuffled off to the stoop of their Auntie Kendra 's house in South Kensington , London . Their Gran is going back to Jamaica with her boyfriend , George , and the children are not part of the picture . Ness is a teenager , angry and bitter ; Joel is kind and compassionate and ever - watchful of his brother ; Toby has developmental problems and is totally devoted to his older brother . The three have been shuffled around since the murder of their father , who was shot in the street , and the institutionalization of their mother . Kendra comes home to find the boys waiting for her ; Ness has already run off looking for drugs . What follows is a tale so wrenching , I felt my chest tighten at several points throughout the book . While Kendra deals with this sudden alteration to her life , Ness finds a dealer , Blade , and offers herself to him in exchange for a steady supply of drugs . Naive and foolish , Ness doesn 't understand the full extent of Blade 's enterprise or power . When she finds out Blade has other girlfriends , there is an ugly brawl - and Blade is shown up by Kendra 's boyfriend Dix . Joel is on the straight and narrow . He knows how best to mollify Toby and watches out for him constantly . A gang of boys , on the lookout for the newbie - the one with the weird brother - quickly target Joel and Toby . Neal Wyatt and his gang are out to get them , and no amount of " sorting " will deter Neal 's determination to get to Toby and through Toby , Joel . As the pranks become more and more deadly , Joel knows what he has to do in order to save his small , patched - together family . Watching , or rather , listening to this story filled me with dread . I knew exactly what would happen . I knew Blade would not live and let live after being shown up . I knew Joel would go to him for help , and I knew Joel was innocent enough to believe the Blade would help . The buildup was excruciating , but the interplay between the characters hooked me . It is horrific on many levels , no less so because of the outside forces trying to do good but failing miserably . These children don 't live in the type of world where poetry and art can lift them above violence . Adults don 't always equal safety , and sometimes your worst enemy is the only symbol of safety . By Jennifer Ravey Boone Daniels is a surfer , a beach bum , a PI , and probably the most unlikely character to make me sit up and take notice . Working out of a surf shop that doubles as his office , Boone reminds me much of a friend who , in college , called me at 2 a . m . to drive from Texas to California . When I asked him where we would sleep , his answer was " the boards , covered with a blanket in the sand . " I passed . Boone would love this . He 's got a van that doubles as a changing room ; instead of one loyal sidekick who drinks a bit too much and says " bloody " an awful lot , Boone is surrounded by The Dawn Patrol : Sunny Day , High Tide , Johnny Banzai , Hang Twelve , and Dave the Love God . This gang surfs together and is always watching the others ' backs . To be honest , my mystery reads trend to British , Irish , and Scottish detectives where the weather often fits the nature of the crime . I 'm no California girl . I 've been to L . A . and didn 't particularly like it . But PCN recommended this book , and after following her the last few months , I take her advice seriously . The book opens as a wave Winslow describes in surfer lingo as " epic macking crunchy " makes its way toward the California coastline . Surfing careers are made and broken with these waves , and The Dawn Patrol is ready for the action , but even more trouble is looming in the form of attorney Petra , who brings a case to Boone at the most inopportune time . He wants to catch that wave , damn it , but he also needs to eat , as his friend - cum - accountant chides him . He takes the case , and Boone 's assignment is to find Tammy , a stripper who was witness to arson . No biggie , right ? Wrong . Petra needs Tammy to testify for the insurance company against a local thug , Dan Silver . There 's just one problem : Tammy doesn 't want to be found . Soon , Boone is chasing after a killer and a missing little girl , still haunted by his time on the force where he messed up big time , and as the story develops , Boone must come face to face with his own past as The Dawn Patrol 's ties thin and each must look out for him or herself . [ This ] kind of wave is the subsurface wave , which starts , duh , under the water . If surface waves are your middleweight boxers , dancing and shooting jabs , the subsurface wave is your heavyweight , coming in flatfooted , throwing knockout punches from the ( ocean ) floor . This wave is the superstar , the genuine badass , the take - your - lunch money , walk - off - with - your - girlfriend , give - me - those - fucking - sneakers , thank you for playing and now what parting gifts do we have for our contestant , Vanna wave … . It 's heavy , my friend ; it ain 't your brother . Normally , I 'm turned off by this no - holds - barred , newfangled sort of writing . Charlie Huston 's writing was absolutely unbearable ( for me ) , but Winslow 's good . He 's on top of his game , and the more I read , the more I admired his style . As the action built , the chapters were shorter and shorter , to the point that the last 50 pages had me , literally , breathless . With any good mystery , I want that buildup . I want to have a good idea of what 's going on ( which I did ) , but I loved the way Winslow brought me there . At the end , I was washed up on the shore , tired and breathless , but ready to read more about the adventures of The Dawn Patrol . By Jennifer Ravey Just got back from the ' brary . Oh wait - you don 't call it that ? Ok , guess I won 't either . I had some great recommendations from Pop Culture Nerd , but I also just like to wander through the aisles . I usually have some author 's names in mind , and wandering is half the fun . I also got a couple of audiobooks , one Jane Green and one Elizabeth George . I tend to like lighter books for my commute as I can 't really focus that well . The library also has a pretty decent movie selection , and season three of Mad Men just happened to be on the shelf . Don Draper , here I come . This series is excellent , but I don 't have cable and cannot watch it . I 'm always just a little behind the curve on current TV , but I honestly don 't mind . All in all , I 'd say that was a successful trip to the ' brary . ( Hey - it 's better than liberry , as I 've heard some pronounce it . ) At the moment , I am finishing up The Girls of Riyadh by Rajaa Alsanea but should finish that this evening . Now the only problem is which book to begin . Hmmm … I support Indie ( pendent ) bookstores and hope you will too . A small percentage of your purchases through this link will help me to make this site better . Plus , you know , it 's good karma to help out these hardworking people : Go Indie ! @ LGUS No , you 're not . We 've received zero assistance . Still waiting . We 've had this TV two months . Useless . @ lgus 4 months ago
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* * Disclaimer : This is a DARK erotic Italian Mafia story . There are twisted behaviors in this book not everyone will be able to handle . Explicit , violent , and sexual scenes are involved . Not for the wary of heart . * * A shiver ran through me . I was chained up in his basement . I 'd never been restrained in such a way before . Madam never resorted to such means since she knew I never would 've run . I had no desire to live free of enslavement . It was all I knew and all I wanted . However , feeling the cool breeze in the room and the even colder restraints on my skin made me wonder if maybe I had thought wrong all along . " I can see from the look on your face that you 've never been locked up before , and I see that 's where Madam went wrong with you . No , you didn 't want to escape , but you don 't know how to behave . No , you don 't truly know the extent to which a punishment can go . Don 't worry , that is going to change starting now . This will throw a wrench in my initial plans for you , but I refuse to let you go now . You are mine and will be forever , so get used to the idea . " Matteo leaned against the wall in front of me , sliding his hands into his pockets as if we were carrying on a completely normal conversation . He appeared entirely at ease while I struggled with all the new emotions flooding me . After a moment of staring at me , he pushed off the wall and stood close enough I could feel his body heat . " Suck it . Get me off and I 'll leave you alone for the remainder of the night . Fail to do so and I will start your punishment now , " he said as he shoved the hot , hard , musky flesh into my mouth . I wanted to cry out that I thought the lashings from the belt had been my punishment . Instead , I sucked him down my throat and bobbed my head along his length the way he 'd shown me he liked it done . The longer I sucked , the more my lips became numb and the more I realized that I really had no idea what being a slave was like . Mother by day . Writer by night . I spend a majority of my day with my children and reading while my nights are filled with the sound of the keyboard as I work on my next work . I love to try new things and learn from every piece of work I write . I 'll write just about anything once to learn from it . I 've even ventured out of my normal erotica genre into Monster Erotica . Doubt you 'll find me writing anything not erotic as you can barely get me to even read something out of that category , but then again , you never know what I might try next . Share this : Click to email this to a friend ( Opens in new window ) Click to print ( Opens in new window ) Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on LinkedIn ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Tumblr ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Pinterest ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Google + ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . Leave a comment Tyrant by T . M . Frazier August 17 , 2015Blog tour , Dark , Erotic RomanceDark , erotic , romance , T . M . Frazier , TyrantRosie King and Pup are back in this exciting conclusion to the King Series by T . M . Frazier releasing August 17th ! He cupped my ass and lifted me up , wrapping my legs around his waist . " There was one point I 'd made the decision to tell you the truth . I owed you that much . But then all the shit went down with Isaac and Preppy , so when I made the deal with your father for Max , I thought I was doing you a favor by giving you your life back and getting you out of all the shit that came with being in mine . " I squeezed my thighs around his waist , rubbing myself against his hardness . I moaned . " But you weren 't giving me my life back . " I corrected . I placed my palms on his cheeks and held his face in my hands , searching for any sign in his eyes that what I felt for him might have been wrong , but instead what I found was a resounding need to fix what was broken between us . Tears formed in my eyes . " You were taking it away . " King 's lips parted . He ran his thumb across my lower lip , turning his head he kissed his way up my arm . " You 've got that fucking right , " King growled , bending my wrist behind my back , his lips came crashing down over mine . We were a tangling of lips , clanking of teeth , sloshing through the water to better line ourselves up with each other . It wasn 't pretty . King stilled and held my face away from his , our chests heaving in unison , my erect nipples rubbing against his hot hard skin as we panted together . Our breaths mingled in the air . He ran his hand down the side of my face and cupped my cheek in his palm . " I didn 't give you away , Pup . I released you . " I stilled . " You released me ? " I couldn 't hide the hurt in my voice . For some reason , releasing me sounded worse than letting me go . " I tried to release you , Pup . For Max . But there was a major problem with that plan , and no matter what happened , it would never have worked , " King confessed . " Why is that ? " I asked , needing to know , but at the same time acutely aware of the pulsing between my legs . Relief and release was only a scrap or two of fabric away . Throbbing for me . " The problem was … you never released me , " King growled , crashing his lips to mine . He moaned into my mouth when I rubbed myself up against his straining erection . He pushed the fabric of my shorts aside and the second he parted my folds with his index finger , I shuddered . He plunged a long index finger inside of me , and for a second my eyes rolled back in my head until he withdrew it . I cried out in frustration , wiggling myself against him , needing him to make me feel anything other than empty . Mark has exciting news . He 's being considered for a promotion , which will involve less travel time - and , thus , an end to Craig 's play . All Mark has to do is interview and hire a replacement for his position . Craig explains to Amanda that this just won 't do . Her mission : to find each candidate and prevent them from keeping their appointments - if Mark can 't be promoted , he can 't be replaced . For this assignment , Amanda will need creativity , intuition - and , a generous helping of doing what she does best … Matt stepped behind Julie first and began rubbing and massaging her ass . The girl moaned contentedly at the attention , although with slight anticipation . She didn 't have to wait long - a few seconds later , the thundering crack of skin on skin echoed through the office as the palm of his hand met his girlfriend 's asscheek . Julie 's eyes widened and she gave a loud , exuberant moan . The spanking continued , and Amanda lost count after five or six strikes . Julie stared lustfully at her new playmate . He 's going to do that to me next . Amanda 's own clit began to throb again at the thought . While his girlfriend watches … and I couldn 't do anything about it even if I wanted to . She didn 't have to wait long . Matt pulled his attention away , causing Julie to sigh longingly . He walked around the desk and took his place behind Amanda . She felt his hands on her ass , rubbing and caressing . Her first concern was that her counterpart might get jealous - Amanda certainly wanted to remain on Julie 's good side . But Julie watched excitedly as Amanda 's " turn " began . SMACK ! The sound reverberated off the walls again as she felt the sting of his palm . Amanda cried out , while across from her , Julie moaned with lust . Another spank , then another . Matt varied them in intensity and location , but it was enough to make the redhead feel some definite heat . She counted eight swats , and then he stopped . As he 'd done with Julie , Matt slipped his hand between Amanda 's thighs . She moved her feet slightly further apart to provide access for him , briefly wondering if he or Julie would notice , and if this further earmarked her as a slut . She shut her eyes as he slipped two fingers inside her now and began fucking her , just as he 'd done to his girlfriend a few minutes ago . Amanda tried to contain her pleasure , again lest Julie become jealous or upset . She also tried to will herself to not thrust back against his invading fingers , but found herself failing miserably in this regard . " Mmmmmmmm … " A soft moan , from in front of her . Amanda opened her eyes to find Julie 's tightly closed , an expression of bliss on her face . Looking further , the redhead noted the cause - the other woman 's left hand was still on the desk , steadying herself , but the other hand had disappeared off of the desktop . Julie was touching herself … My Stranger is about a woman who is sucked into the orbit of a Bad Boy Alpha Male , but like all bad boys , there is a deep , dark streak of the romantic in him . But her stranger wields a darkness that goes beyond normal behavior . Confidence hints at aggression , intelligence turns to manipulation , care is hidden within control , and persistence slides into obsession . " You 're not like any other woman I 've ever known . " His rusty voice turned downright corroded . " Maybe you can 't be soiled . Maybe your light can 't be dimmed . Maybe you would have been my fucking salvation , if you weren 't trying so goddamned hard to keep your distance . " Would you fall for that line ? There 's no shame if your answer is yes . Lots of us have fallen for lines like that . It 's that damned romantic streak , reeling us in , tying us in knots . The possibility of winning the ultimate prize , dangling before us like a fat , juicy carrot . My girlfriend wanted me to have one last fling with a man before we took our relationship to the next level . When my stranger stole me away and gave me pleasure beyond anything I 'd ever known , I thought it was all her idea . But my stranger wasn 't what I thought he was . AJ isn 't ashamed to admit she 's a lover of many things - men , women and various combinations thereof . She 's a free spirit with a rough past that left her with a need to be taken care of , in spite of her trust issues . For the first time in her life , AJ is ready to commit to one person , but her girlfriend isn 't certain that AJ can be faithful and suggests one last fling to make sure she 's ready for a future together . The lights in my apartment were off . I flicked the switch , toggled it a bit the way people do when they think willpower alone can bring their dead bulbs back to life , but no dice . If I had known , I 'd have picked some up while I was at the grocery store . Or , at the very least , I 'd have come home before the sunset so I didn 't have to search for replacement bulbs by the weak light of the streetlamp outside . I was on my tip - toes reaching for the back of the top shelf in my bedroom closet , pretty certain I had a box of twenty watts up there somewhere . Not ideal , but it would do until the morning . I didn 't hear a damned thing . A smooth jaw swept over my temple as the unfamiliar voice - a rusty , deep voice - rolled over my ears . Was I calm ? Not remotely , but the name the intruder used impinged on my senses and made me hesitate long enough that he removed his hand from my mouth . " This has been in the works for a long time , beautiful . " Cloth slithered over my face and cinched tight around my eyes . " A real long time . " Reflex had me trying to put my hands to the blindfold , but he caught my arms and pulled my wrists together behind my back . He was close enough for his body 's heat to cover me like a blanket . I held my breath and took stock of the situation , unsure whether or not to be mad at Sam . The guy was big , brawny , and I wondered if he was another bounty hunter , a colleague of hers , though I wouldn 't have thought she 'd set this up with someone she knew . Unless she trusted him a lot . His smooth - shaven jaw was soft against my cheek as he leaned over my shoulder and dragged his nose over my skin . I could hear him breathing me in . His hands found my hips and kneaded , and I relaxed without realizing . Sam would get an earful later , but I could appreciate the scenario she set up . I had to admit it was hot . Maybe it was wrong of me , but a flash of excitement took hold of all the nerves below my waist . Here I was , in the dark and vulnerable while a big man , a stranger , tied me up and blindfolded me , his raspy voice stroking both my senses and my imagination . Sam knew how much I liked to be tied up and I knew how uncomfortable it was for her to do it . It didn 't surprise me that she 'd found someone who could , and since he 'd used Sam 's pet name for me , all I had to do was relax and enjoy . I hadn 't thought to go through with her fling idea , but I was here , he was here , and my body was growing softer by the second . He flicked the buttons of my jeans and they sagged open enough to let his hand slide in . Dude wasn 't wasting any time , so I shifted my stance and leaned back against his big chest . With my eyes covered , my sense of touch was enhanced , and I tracked his firm slide south with straining nerves and unwavering concentration . His fingertip was hot against me . Striking sparks , he circled my clit with just that one , avoiding full contact and making me suck in an expectant breath . Over and around until my nerves were blazing , silently pleading . I arched lightly , pressing my shoulders back against the wall of his muscle , but I didn 't beg . I would have said he was teasing if his breathing wasn 't so ragged and his touch wasn 't so rough . His wrist shook against my lower belly and his pinky finger jerked rhythmically high against my right thigh . Sam must have set this up a long time ago if this guy was so ready for it . Or maybe he liked the idea of tying a girl up in the darkness of her own home , standing behind her and getting her off with just a single finger . I 'm not ashamed to say that 's exactly what he was doing , either . I started rolling my hips as he traced my slit , up and down , over and over , harder and harder with each pass . Tingles were taking over and my clit swelled - I could feel it and I liked it , the sense of anticipation that built a mental pressure just as much as a physical one . He found some magic spot just to the right of my clit and stroked in such a way my hips bucked sideways . He growled in my ear and I figured he 'd liked it as much as I did . Then his hot palm covered the whole upper half of my mound as his finger tracked back down , and thrust into my pussy . " There 's time , beautiful . " Again his nose dragged over my cheek . " But I 'm going to wind you up , give you just enough pleasure that you can 't sit still . You 'll scream and beg and cry for more . And then I 'll fill your cunt with the biggest cock you 've ever had . " They all said that same thing , I swear to God . But there was something about this big stranger at my back that had me wondering , hoping , anticipating . His finger was thrusting in and out and providing just enough sensation against the ring of muscle at my entrance that my lust was leaping forward . A gentle tingle , a need for more and my pussy was soft and clenching and trying to suck his knuckles deeper . Lola White writes what she writes , which is erotic fiction . Sometimes horror , sometimes paranormal , sometimes romance . It 's all sexy , but never predictable because she likes to twist reality at its edges in her stories . She likes delving into the emotions of her characters , finding their strengths and weaknesses , and seeing ( and showing ) how they get themselves out of whatever trouble has found them - if they can . Anna has escaped from Devin . Now she must learn what it is to live without a master . Yet Devin will not let her go so easily , his power depends on what he takes from her . There is a subculture within our own world that you 've only heard whispers of . The conspiracy theorists wish they knew Anna 's story . What the conspiracy theorists think they know is only disinformation , put out there to keep them from the real story . This book is for grownups . This book is not for people who are easily offended , get nightmares easily , or have difficulty reading books about tough subjects . I do not glorify bad things , but bad things do happen to my poor characters . This is not your typical love story . My heroine does not fall in love and live happily ever after … at least not like the typical heroine . There is a happily ever after , but it is a long , painful journey to that end . This book will likely offend you . This book might make you cry ; it might make you throw up . It is a dark book . As my friend , Heidi , said , " It 's dark . It gets darker . It gets even darker , and then it gets even more darker . And then , just when you think it can 't get any darker , it does . " But , don 't worry . I take you to the deep end gradually . There are many sexual situations in this series of books . People die . People get hurt . Things aren 't always truly the way they appear . The antagonist isn 't just a bad guy ; he 's EVIL . My heroine 's worldview is skewed ; things that may appall you are perfectly normal to her . Do not read this if you are under the age of consent in your country . Do not get angry if the subject or actual book upsets you . If you 're reading this , you 've been warned . At dinnertime , Anna settled onto the couch with a sandwich she 'd bought at a deli on the way home . She was laughing at the sitcom she 'd flipped on when there was a knock at the door . She jumped at the sound and cautiously walked to the door and opened it . Anna blinked and tried to ignore the stabbing pain in her heart . " Oh , that 's … that 's great , Tommy . " She smiled weakly . " Are you happy ? " He shrugged . " Yeah . I mean , it 's good . It 's time to start the family . I just … . " He sighed . " It 's just weird , knowing I 'm gonna be a dad . " Tommy stepped closer to her and she could smell his cologne , bringing so many memories to the forefront of her mind . He ran his knuckles gently across her cheek . " I miss you , " he whispered . " It kills me , knowing you 're in the city and … not with me . " He sighed . " I wish I 'd waited for you . " His blue eyes filled with emotion as he stared intently into her eyes . He slowly slid his hands around the back of her head and bent his head down to hers . His lips brushed hers lightly , waiting for permission to kiss her . Anna hesitated . She wanted him to , oh so much , but … . " Anna … . " He stepped even closer and captured her lips with his , holding her head gently with both hands . Her hands slid up his hard chest and over his shoulders . His tongue slipped between her parted lips and past her teeth , stroking , caressing , dancing and taking her breath away . His arms wrapped tightly around her , holding her close . She clung to him as if he were a life vest in the middle of the ocean . His kisses became more insistent , his embrace , tighter . He slid his hands down her back and pressed his fingers into her ass , her hips against his . She pointed down the hall and he picked her up and carried her around the corner and to her room , placing her gently on her bed . He stretched out next to her and pulled her close to kiss her again . His kiss was deep , passionate , loving . He caressed her back , her ass , her hips and finally moved his hand up to cup her breast gently . She broke the kiss to gasp as he thumbed her nipple over her cotton camisole . The heat from his hand scorched her skin . He kissed her neck when she leaned her head back , sucking on the skin above her collarbone . She moaned softly as he kissed her nipple over the soft material and sucked on it through the fabric . It puckered under his skilled mouth and she arched her back to press her breast deeper into his mouth . Anna quickly unfastened his jeans and wrapped her hand around his cock . She caressed his piercings and smiled at the throbbing hardness . They quickly disposed of their clothing and Anna knelt next to his hips and took him into her mouth , moaning at his taste . He knew her body well . Knew how to make her moan and scream in passion . And he did both . She tried to concentrate on his delicious cock , but his tongue lapped at her clit as he sucked on it . She felt herself tingling and then she leaned her head back as her orgasm rushed through her body . Tommy pushed her to her side and moved quickly above her , her head at the foot of the bed . In one swift move he was inside her and kissing her . His tongue mimicked the movements of his cock , thrusting slowly in and out . Anna moaned loudly and met his rhythm enthusiastically . His movements were deep and deliberate , making her moan with each deep thrust . Her fingernails dug into his back as she felt another orgasm building . He held her tightly and kissed her as he softened inside her . He nuzzled her neck and then rolled to his side , stroking her arm as he gazed lovingly into her eyes . " You 're amazing , you know that ? " " Fuck , " Tommy said , sitting up and reaching for his jeans . He pressed the screen and stood , running his hand through his hair . " Hey , baby , " he said in a gentle tone that wrenched Anna 's heart . " Yeah , just getting some air … yeah … I can do that … okay … yeah , be home soon … love you , too . " " I 'm sorry , " he whispered . He leaned down to kiss her head and then left the room . She heard the apartment door open and close a moment later and she kept staring at the blanket , trying to understand how she felt . To put words to the pain in her heart . She rubbed her face . Confusion filled her heart . She 'd never felt like this before . Intellectually , she knew she 'd been used for years ; since Devin first touched her after her parent 's funeral . Maybe even before then . Why did it bother her now ? Then why did she feel so empty ? Was it the illusion of freedom ? Was her freedom just an illusion ? Or was it real ? Did pretending something was true make it true ? Was she a prostitute ? After all , wasn 't that what they all really were ? Slaves . Sex slaves . Unpaid prostitutes . What was she ? Was she a Mistress or a free woman ? As an Elder - Mistress , what just happened shouldn 't bother her . As a free woman , what just happened broke her heart . Katrina was the free woman . Anna was the slave . Was she Anna ? Or was she Katrina ? Who did she want to be ? Did it matter what she wanted ? The reality was that she was Anna . Katrina was an illusion to keep Devin from finding her . Part of her wanted to embrace Katrina . To find out what it was really like to be " free . " But could she ? Could she dare try to be something she 'd never been before ? And what did that mean anyway ? Saying no to men ? She didn 't know if she could do that . The answer eluded her and made her head hurt . She was too tired to think about it right now . She went into her bathroom to take a shower and then watched TV until she couldn 't keep her eyes open and fell asleep on the couch . Devin stared out the window of his downtown office . Where the hell was Anna ? How was she eluding his search ? Someone , somewhere , had to know where she was . Someone had to be helping her . There 's no way she could have done this on her own . The Life of Anna , Part 1 : Enslaved Anna 's entire life was scripted out before she was born by Devin Andersen , a man who doesn 't have her best interests in mind . She is to be a tool in his hands to gain ultimate power in the USA . No , not as the President , but as the man who controls the President . When Devin took her for himself at the age of twelve , she had a vision of a man . A man who Devin was very interested in . But why ? Why would Devin care about a little girl 's dreams ? There is a subculture within our own world that you 've only heard whispers of . The conspiracy theorists wish they knew Anna 's story . What the conspiracy theorists think they know is only disinformation , put out there to keep them from the real story . Marissa 's story of Anna began with a dream about being kidnapped with Adam Savage from Mythbusters ( Yes , really ) . Over the next year and a half , it morphed into the story that is now known as " The Life of Anna . " She has several other stories in progress , one of which is based on her kidnapped dream . April 20 , 2015Blog tour , Contemporary Romance , Erotic Romance , Erotica , M . S . Parker , Romancecontrol , Dark , dark pleasures , Erotic Romance , erotica , M . S . Parker , romanceRosie It 's not supposed to happen to people like me . Broken , damaged people don 't get to fall in love with amazing , handsome men like Rylan Archer . And men like Rylan never look twice at women like me . Except he had . Rylan loves me . I love him , too … and it scares me to death . Growing up all she wanted to be was a dancer , actor or author . So far only the latter has come true but M . S . Parker hasn 't retired her dancing shoes just yet . She is still waiting for the call for her to appear on Dancing With The Stars . Anna has escaped from Devin . Now she must learn what it is to live without a master . Yet Devin will not let her go so easily , his power depends on what he takes from her . There is a subculture within our own world that you 've only heard whispers of . The conspiracy theorists wish they knew Anna 's story . What the conspiracy theorists think they know is only disinformation , put out there to keep them from the real story . This book is for grownups . This book is not for people who are easily offended , get nightmares easily , or have difficulty reading books about tough subjects . I do not glorify bad things , but bad things do happen to my poor characters . This is not your typical love story . My heroine does not fall in love and live happily ever after … at least not like the typical heroine . There is a happily ever after , but it is a long , painful journey to that end . This book will likely offend you . This book might make you cry ; it might make you throw up . It is a dark book . As my friend , Heidi , said , " It 's dark . It gets darker . It gets even darker , and then it gets even more darker . And then , just when you think it can 't get any darker , it does . " But , don 't worry . I take you to the deep end gradually . There are many sexual situations in this series of books . People die . People get hurt . Things aren 't always truly the way they appear . The antagonist isn 't just a bad guy ; he 's EVIL . My heroine 's worldview is skewed ; things that may appall you are perfectly normal to her . Do not read this if you are under the age of consent in your country . Do not get angry if the subject or actual book upsets you . If you 're reading this , you 've been warned . At dinnertime , Anna settled onto the couch with a sandwich she 'd bought at a deli on the way home . She was laughing at the sitcom she 'd flipped on when there was a knock at the door . She jumped at the sound and cautiously walked to the door and opened it . Anna blinked and tried to ignore the stabbing pain in her heart . " Oh , that 's … that 's great , Tommy . " She smiled weakly . " Are you happy ? " He shrugged . " Yeah . I mean , it 's good . It 's time to start the family . I just … . " He sighed . " It 's just weird , knowing I 'm gonna be a dad . " Tommy stepped closer to her and she could smell his cologne , bringing so many memories to the forefront of her mind . He ran his knuckles gently across her cheek . " I miss you , " he whispered . " It kills me , knowing you 're in the city and … not with me . " He sighed . " I wish I 'd waited for you . " His blue eyes filled with emotion as he stared intently into her eyes . He slowly slid his hands around the back of her head and bent his head down to hers . His lips brushed hers lightly , waiting for permission to kiss her . Anna hesitated . She wanted him to , oh so much , but … . " Anna … . " He stepped even closer and captured her lips with his , holding her head gently with both hands . Her hands slid up his hard chest and over his shoulders . His tongue slipped between her parted lips and past her teeth , stroking , caressing , dancing and taking her breath away . His arms wrapped tightly around her , holding her close . She clung to him as if he were a life vest in the middle of the ocean . His kisses became more insistent , his embrace , tighter . He slid his hands down her back and pressed his fingers into her ass , her hips against his . She pointed down the hall and he picked her up and carried her around the corner and to her room , placing her gently on her bed . He stretched out next to her and pulled her close to kiss her again . His kiss was deep , passionate , loving . He caressed her back , her ass , her hips and finally moved his hand up to cup her breast gently . She broke the kiss to gasp as he thumbed her nipple over her cotton camisole . The heat from his hand scorched her skin . He kissed her neck when she leaned her head back , sucking on the skin above her collarbone . She moaned softly as he kissed her nipple over the soft material and sucked on it through the fabric . It puckered under his skilled mouth and she arched her back to press her breast deeper into his mouth . Anna quickly unfastened his jeans and wrapped her hand around his cock . She caressed his piercings and smiled at the throbbing hardness . They quickly disposed of their clothing and Anna knelt next to his hips and took him into her mouth , moaning at his taste . He knew her body well . Knew how to make her moan and scream in passion . And he did both . She tried to concentrate on his delicious cock , but his tongue lapped at her clit as he sucked on it . She felt herself tingling and then she leaned her head back as her orgasm rushed through her body . Tommy pushed her to her side and moved quickly above her , her head at the foot of the bed . In one swift move he was inside her and kissing her . His tongue mimicked the movements of his cock , thrusting slowly in and out . Anna moaned loudly and met his rhythm enthusiastically . His movements were deep and deliberate , making her moan with each deep thrust . Her fingernails dug into his back as she felt another orgasm building . He held her tightly and kissed her as he softened inside her . He nuzzled her neck and then rolled to his side , stroking her arm as he gazed lovingly into her eyes . " You 're amazing , you know that ? " " Fuck , " Tommy said , sitting up and reaching for his jeans . He pressed the screen and stood , running his hand through his hair . " Hey , baby , " he said in a gentle tone that wrenched Anna 's heart . " Yeah , just getting some air … yeah … I can do that … okay … yeah , be home soon … love you , too . " " I 'm sorry , " he whispered . He leaned down to kiss her head and then left the room . She heard the apartment door open and close a moment later and she kept staring at the blanket , trying to understand how she felt . To put words to the pain in her heart . She rubbed her face . Confusion filled her heart . She 'd never felt like this before . Intellectually , she knew she 'd been used for years ; since Devin first touched her after her parent 's funeral . Maybe even before then . Why did it bother her now ? Then why did she feel so empty ? Was it the illusion of freedom ? Was her freedom just an illusion ? Or was it real ? Did pretending something was true make it true ? Was she a prostitute ? After all , wasn 't that what they all really were ? Slaves . Sex slaves . Unpaid prostitutes . What was she ? Was she a Mistress or a free woman ? As an Elder - Mistress , what just happened shouldn 't bother her . As a free woman , what just happened broke her heart . Katrina was the free woman . Anna was the slave . Was she Anna ? Or was she Katrina ? Who did she want to be ? Did it matter what she wanted ? The reality was that she was Anna . Katrina was an illusion to keep Devin from finding her . Part of her wanted to embrace Katrina . To find out what it was really like to be " free . " But could she ? Could she dare try to be something she 'd never been before ? And what did that mean anyway ? Saying no to men ? She didn 't know if she could do that . The answer eluded her and made her head hurt . She was too tired to think about it right now . She went into her bathroom to take a shower and then watched TV until she couldn 't keep her eyes open and fell asleep on the couch . Devin stared out the window of his downtown office . Where the hell was Anna ? How was she eluding his search ? Someone , somewhere , had to know where she was . Someone had to be helping her . There 's no way she could have done this on her own . The Life of Anna , Part 1 : Enslaved Anna 's entire life was scripted out before she was born by Devin Andersen , a man who doesn 't have her best interests in mind . She is to be a tool in his hands to gain ultimate power in the USA . No , not as the President , but as the man who controls the President . When Devin took her for himself at the age of twelve , she had a vision of a man . A man who Devin was very interested in . But why ? Why would Devin care about a little girl 's dreams ? There is a subculture within our own world that you 've only heard whispers of . The conspiracy theorists wish they knew Anna 's story . What the conspiracy theorists think they know is only disinformation , put out there to keep them from the real story . Marissa 's story of Anna began with a dream about being kidnapped with Adam Savage from Mythbusters ( Yes , really ) . Over the next year and a half , it morphed into the story that is now known as " The Life of Anna . " She has several other stories in progress , one of which is based on her kidnapped dream . Key Pete Strong Magnetic Key Holder Hook Keys Magnet - Green I Speak Fluent Sarcasm Men Women Unisex Top T Shirt Amazon Tap - Alexa - Enabled Portable Bluetooth Speaker We Shouldn 't And Yet by Stephanie Witter What happens when you 're attracted to the wrong person ? " There was something so sexual , so carnal , so intense in the way Jensen looked at me . ' ' " I want her to want me just as madly as I do her . ' ' They shouldn 't and yet … Don 't Close Your Eyes ( Bryant Brothers Book 1 ) by Hillary Storm My life ended the day I answered the door and found out James had died . Writing has become my only release and secluding myself from the people who constantly judge me for my way of grieving has made me famous . I 'm not ready to love again , in fact it 's not even a thought . Someone needs to tell that to Liam . He 's breaking through all of the walls I 've worked so hard to create . How can one man be so intriguing ? He just gets me , maybe a little too well . Recent CommentsRosie on Tough Luck by Christa SimpsonChrista Simpson on Tough Luck by Christa SimpsonRosie on Fading Memories by A . M . WillardA . M . Willard on Fading Memories by A . M . WillardRosie on Healing by Rachel CaidArchives April 2017 Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :
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So about two weeks ago or so I went to my friends place in Charlottesville . We pretty much just hung out and walked around town a bit . It is a nice city / town and the campus is pretty beautiful as well . He takes photographs as well . Anyways , here are some pictures that I took . Read more » Fushimi Inari Shrine is in Fushimi - ku , Kyoto which is south east from central Kyoto . This sites at the base of a mountain named Inari and the mountain has tons of paths and trails with more smaller shines . Now Inari is a fox which is the god of rice . Each of the torii gates that you see lined along the trail is donated by a Japanese business since Inari is seen as a patron of wealth . Some of the earliest structures built were in 711 on the Inariyama hill before relocated per request from a Monk . That was in 816 and the main structures were built in 1499 , at the bottom of the hill there is the main gate or " Romon , Tower Gate " and the main shrine called " go - honden " . Up the mountain further half way you have the central shrine , " okumiya " , and up to the top the the mountain lots of private mounds . This was awesome place to visit and I would love to come back and hike to the top ! I only went a ways up with a friend and looped back down . Anyways , enjoy ! Jones Run & Doyles River Hike Hey everyone ! So I hiked along a circuit hike that runs along the Jones Run and Doyles River in Shenandoah National Park . You can check out the map and loop at this link here . I went with two others and it was long but really nice to hike along . It wasn 't to hot or windy and was really nice to hike ! So I have been wanting a Prime lens for a while again . I bought one when I went to Japan the Canon 50mm 1 . 8 lens but sold it on my return since I found I was not using it much anymore . Now I want a fast prime lens once again . I , for the fun of it , placed a bid and won for a few dollars this lens , the SMC Takumar 55mm f2 lens . I was hoping for a 50mm and perhaps smaller aperture but I don 't mind this since I spent so little for it . The optics are great and it is fun working with a manual lens again . The build of it feels solid since it is all metal and it is a lot smaller then my other lenses that I have . I also have a m42 to EF lens mount that I got for a buck that makes it usable on my T3i . Anyways I took a few pictures of the lens and then some more pictures of me using / testing it out . I think I still would love the Canon 50mm 1 . 4 Ultrasonic lens . Still would like a fast auto focus lens haha . Take a look ! Kongoji Temple is a small temple in Kyoto that is part of the Jodu - shu sect of Buddhism . I tried to look up some information on the temple but it is so small and there are other temples that are called Kongoji in Japan that I got none . I took a picture of the sign that gave information and you will find that below the first one ! Anyways , I more or less stumbled upon this temple when walking the streets : ) Also , for some reason my camera was in black and white mode when I took the pictures so sorry for the switch between ! This is the Shimogamo Shrine , which is located along the Kamo River . It is also a UNESCO World Heritage Site . This site is believed to be older then Kamigamo Shrine by 100 years dating farther back before Kyoto became the capital . It is a lovely Shrine and more orange ! ! ! So there was quite a few flowers that were still hanging around the yard and woods even though it was fall . Summer was warm and the fall started off that way as well ! The bugs seemed to be happy about it as they hugged them ! Kamigamo Shrine is one of the top places to check out in Kyoto . It is on the banks of the Kamo River in northern Kyoto . Was founded in 678 , and is one of the oldest Shinto shrines in Japan and is the UNESCO as a world Heritage Site . It is also dedicated to Kami of Thunder . There is a sister like Shrine called the Shimogamo which is coming up soon ! Enjoy the structures , I did go on a rainy day and it was one of my last to visit before I went to Tokyo . These unlike the last post are more tree like and stand up in a Christmas tree like shape . I am not feeling it and it might just be my preference but they are still beautiful to look at . Read more » So it has been a little while since I have done an update , maybe since late October or the post about hurricane Sandy on Nov . 1st . Well anyways not to much has really changed since then . The large job that I was working on at dominion Power is now for the most part complete . I wont be going back in unless they have some other thing about it that they need me to check out for them . I was there for a lot longer then I was expecting and was great to build up some money . I did talk to my boss that ( company that I interned for and now a contractor ) and she said she probably has an idea to use me on another project with Dominion since I am already use to working there and have clearance . I can hope for it ! She also invited me to the company Christmas Party which is nice . I am still also the server which I have to work 6 - 9 : 30pm tonight which isn 't to bad . After tips it 's like making $ 20 and hour which is great , plus you get to take home all of your tip money even what was put on the credit cards . Now I walk around like a boss with my wad of $ 1 bills haha . I still am looking around for that full time position as that is what I need period . I am a graduate and need to pick up and go with it ! Fall is really coming to an end now , most of the leaves have changed or fallen now . Some maples still might have their leaves on with bright reds and oranges , check out Maymont post from last week here . I mist a lot of the nice weather but I was glad that I was able to go to the mountains when they were changing and hike Old Rag and also the check out around town at the colors . Fall is one of those awesome seasons that really draw me outside to capture the colors . It rivals the Spring time ! I think I still have a few more pictures that I can post of the fall so look forward to them ! I also been taking out my Fujica AX - 3 , I tried something like removing the old foam and covering up the window in the back of the door to see if that fixes the light leak . If not then it is the foam at the hinges and the edges where the door comes together . I will find out when I get this roll developed , just need to use it up first ! Winter is heading our way . I am starting the feel the cool air coming on us , especially those crisp clear sky nights where their is a breeze and you get that shiver up your spine . It isn 't to bad yet with the days peaking at 45 Degrees F . It has been freezing at night a couple of times but I don 't mind the cold weather but so much . My hands get really dry though and that can be annoying . I can 't wait for it to snow , I love it when it snows and it is really pretty when it happens when you are back in the woods . I did not do any buying of anything on Black Friday or Cyber Monday at all ! That is a record for me as I have done so and gotten up early for it for years , before I could even drive : ) I did buy a model the other day at normal price because I was dying to have it and needed something else to keep my hands and mind busy inside for the holidays Problem is that I use spray cans and it will probably be to cold to paint outside for a while . I might get a lucky day where there is no breeze and it is over 50 degrees F . Today was right at 50 but I need to not be lazy and go get the right color of spray . How was everyone 's Thanksgiving for those that celebrate it ? I ended up working on thanksgiving but no one came in the bowling alley so I was let go early and had two Thanksgiving ( one before and after work ) that day and they both were tasty ! ! ! My grandparents form Maryland came down to enjoy it with us and it was nice . So right before Halloween I met someone . Well more like I didn 't meet someone but I knew them , just made my feelings more obvious to them . It was someone that I worked with at the retail job I had for all that time ( 2007 - 2011 ) and I kinda just kissed her when we were hanging out . I was super nervous that I made our friendship awkward by doing so but she returned it . It made me really happy and not to long after did we start to date . I can easily say that I have been really happy . I feel that I can be really honest with her and she really cares about us and myself . Oh did I mention she is in culinary and a magnificent baker ? She makes some great meals ! I am not the kind of guy using her for that , I cook for her and she loves it . I smile every time I see her it 's crazy . Sorry to get all mushy , but it is just great that I can feel at ease around her . Take a look ! Hey everyone ! I hope you guys have been enjoying the fall weather and colors that have appeared everywhere . I was going to go camping in the mountains where the colors are long gone now with my new girl friend but we decided to stay in town . Plus we had some colds that we wanted to rest up on and get better . We decided to do a picnic / drink tea at Maymont in the afternoon this past Saturday and the colors on the Maple trees were gorgeous ! The deep reds and the oranges with yellows were driving me crazy . She also loved them as well ! I think I might have to do a post on how we ended up together but I will keep that for another time . Anyways enjoy the leaves , that is pretty much the majority of the pictures ! When I visited Tokyo and went to Ueno park , post here , I was able to catch a special Bonsai exhibit near the fountains by the museums . All of them were Azalea 's , check out my azaleas here . They were all really fantastic and nice to look at . A lot of people my age walked by them and didn 't pay any mind but all the older Japanese folk stopped and were taking pictures like I was or talking among themselves deciding which might be the best technique in the designs . I love all bonsai and plants but somethings are breathtaking to what you can manipulate a plant to do and show . Yo can put an entire story into or a landscape and it fit in a pot not larger then 12 " X 12 " . I got big into bonsai and I have a few small ones but these are great ! Also these are way older then me by probably another 40 years . I have two posts since there were so many to see so sit back and enjoy them , the next post will come out in a few days . Also as a side note , there is not a normal azalea that has multiple color leaves , like some leaves are white then the rest or pink . They were grafted onto the azalea and there are of course hybrid ones as well ^^ This shrine was once called Gion - jinja or Gion Shrine which as you can tell is in the Gion district of Kyoto where you will find Geisha and tourists . The shrine was originally constructed in 656 , that is a long time ago . An interesting piece of history and I have found that it has had shaped a lot of shrines is that there was an epidemic in 869 in Kyoto . The mikoshi ( divine paladin of this shrine paraded around town to ward off this epidemic , and that started the Gion Matsuri ( festival ) which is a huge festival now ! You can also access Maruyama Park if you walk through . Enjoy the pictures . One cool thing about shrines is that they are open all the time and free usually . You can come through at night and see all of the lanterns alight . Brings a whole new experience . So it has been 6 months to this day that I spent my first night in Japan . I stayed at a house that does home stay 's . Some short term and long term , what ever you are looking for . They are the Konaka 's Residence , they have a small imported Wine store on the first level off Kitayama - dori . It is up in the Northern part but it is an easy walk to places to get food , and there was a new store that opened right next door so I could get all my food to cook . Also you can walk with no problem or bike to the Golden Pavilion or Kinkaku - ji temple . It was a nice place to stay at and you get your own room . there might be others there but the family generally will let you do what you want . They will answer any questions that you might have while you are there and will give you plenty of information . Well here are some pictures from the place that I stayed at . My room had not to big or small , it was good for my stay . I had a closet , futon , cabinets , a table and a shorter table . I loved Mets Grapefruit ! Yesterday I got out and around my woods for a bit after the sun finally broke through the clouds . It was right after 4pm so the sun was setting and it was golden time . Problem with golden time in my woods is that most of it is in a hollow so the light is at the top of the trees . It had rained yesterday and was a bit cool out maybe around 40 degrees F . Anyways , there still some colors out there from fall that have yet fallen off . Enjoy . I went up in the mountains specifically the Shenandoah National Park where I hiked Old Rag mountain and then spent the night up at Loft Mountain and did some minor hiking . The park is super crowded at this time of year and makes pulling in lookout points really hard as it is packed with cars and people taking pictures with cameras , phones and iPad 's . Don 't get me wrong it was nice to go and quite relaxing to see the colors and enjoy my favorite destinations ! Walking around in Gion area after I visited the Kiomizu - dera temple I came across a few Maiko girls which are Geisha in raining . I do not know if they were real or not as you can come in this area as a tourist and pay to get dressed up in makeup and walk around for a few hours in it and get pictures taken . Anyways , here are a couple girls that I took pictures of , crazy amount of time is put into the outfit . They are cute though , am I right ? Maruyama Park which is located really close to Yasaka Shrine and Gion area . It is a great place to Cherry Blossom view but of course I was not there and missed out on that . There is a weeping cherry tree that is really popular and during the time of blossom viewing they light it up at night . this is a public and free park here and you can cut through Yasaka Shrine and it is the oldest park in Kyoto . Anyways enjoy the pictures that I have . Nice clock in the middle of the park . . . I visited the Jishu Shrine of Love which is located on the grounds of the ever so popular Kiomizu - dera Temple in Kyoto . This Shrine was dedicated to Okuninushi which is a god of love . At this shrine they have two loves stones that stand apart . If you are lonely or single then you can walk between then with your eyes closed . If you can walk all the way to the other rock and reach it with out opening your eyes then you will find love or perhaps true love . I had this explained to me while I was there by some students and I went ahead and did it successfully but I might have received a little help haha . If you get some assistance then that means that you will be assisted in finding that love through other means , a go - between . Something to start things moving . It was crowded and I had a lot of people stare at me while I did it haha . I would say that we here in Richmond are really lucky and out of the horrific grasp of Hurricane sandy . Many states in the North East and New England were not so lucky though . There was a lot of damage and I am sure you probably have seen it on the news at some point . I didn 't ride it out at home like I said and there was not really any type of damage around here for us to worry about . Just leaves and limbs down and didn 't even lose the power . In a lot of public bathrooms in Japan I found that they is no soap or toilet paper inside like you find in America There is sometimes a vending machine outside the door of the bathroom where you can purchase them ! Sometimes there is not a machine at all . There was some in the stores though just not usually at the Temples , Shrines or parks ! I am at work and not sure if I should be on here or not . I am currently working for the company that I interned at for two years during College at VCU . Only thing is I am a part time employee and being contracted to Dominion Power , which is a large power utility in the eastern part of the United States . I have been here for about four weeks now plugging away on a project similar to the one that I was on board with in the Summer months . It is a lot of work but should soon be calming down . Now forty hours a week of work would not deter me from posting , but at the same time that I had started my contractor job here I started work as a server and that has been at night and weekends . So with the sixty plus hours or so of work a week I use my other time to get read for jobs , prepare food , commute time , sleep and maybe some go playing and TV watching before I pass out in my pillows . Today for instance I got up at 7am got ready and arrived at work around 7 : 45am and will be here close to 4pm . I have to run a few errands after work like the post office and take care of a friends cat , but then also go home make a early dinner and get ready for work at 6pm as a server . I don 't get off that job till 1 : 30 - 2am tonight which by all means I am exhausted when I lay down ( being a 15 - 16hr work day ) . I will be honest that going to school full time ( 16 hr credits ) , my internship , my part time retail job and commute time this past semester had a lot more down time then this . It probably will calm down soon once this job is lifted for a bit until I get another call in for more . That is why I am not complaining as well . I have two jobs ( one will last till the work is complete ) in a time where it is hard to find a job . I will manage this for now because I know it will soon go away . I know I still need a full time job and not just a few part time ones as I will not have my benefits and such . Not to mention that one day I can move out once it is affordable . I do have another job prospect that I have interviewed for and awaiting to hear back from . I will keep it a secret for now as I have no clue what might happen . So last week I had two days off from both jobs and I went to hike Old Rag mountain in Shenandoah National Park in Virginia ( about 2 hour drive ) . I enjoyed it a TON and recommend it a lot . I did injure my self and I recommend that you either be with someone or KNOW that other people will be on the trail . It is a really popular trail and I went alone ( I do know about survival and first aid skills ) but it is better to be with someone . It was a busy day when I went so I was with in ear shot or eye sight of someone at all times . Plan a day for it at least as I started at 9am and didn 't get to the summit till 11 : 30 or so and got back to the car at 3pm . I love the mountains and I always try to go during the fall season . Of course that is when it is the most busiest . In the Summer when I posted pictures from my camping trip you would be the only one pulling off on Overlooks but this time of year there would be at least five other cars there if not more . Trails will be crowded and what is peaceful and wilderness in the Summer because a trail you would find in a busy park in your county . Never the less it is still gorgeous and I recommend at least a day trip up there in the fall time . The leaves have already peaked though , that I can tell you and it is peaking right about now here in Richmond . I have a bunch of pictures that I have taken on that camping trip last week that I want to get up as well as some pictures around the house and in my woods . I hope to get out some time soon to Maymont and get in more pictures of Fall but this weekend is looking really rough . I was hoping to maybe go the the Zombie Walk tomorrow in the afternoon in Carrytown where people dress up as Zombies and walk around like a hoard of them ready to eat the flesh off the living . They have been doing it for a few years and I have missed out and hope to do it . I also have work from 5pm - 1 : 30am tomorrow night as well as a Halloween party right after ( if it is still going ) . Problem is though that it is calling for rain this weekend now to our good frienSo if it is bad , I will take some pictures of aftermath and perhaps at home during the storm . I may lose power for a few days and if that happens I will not be posting anytime soon haha . Well I hope to get more pictures up for you guys soon enough . I still have lots of pictures from Japan to come and some other random things . Posted by On my way back to the hostel from Tokyo Skytree I manage to see this cute cat themed bus ride right on by me ! It is for the amusement park in Asakusa , Asakusa Hanayashiki . This is the oldest amusement park in Japan and has been there since 1853 . Then it was a flower park and was opened for Mathew Perry of the US Navy . Of course now it is an amusement park that has tons of kids come through the doors all the time . It is right in front of the hostel I stayed at and it sounded like the kids were having a blast ! ! ! So back on August 31st there was a Blue Moon or when there is a second Full Moon in a month or 4 in a season ! That is were the term came from as it happens rarely . " Once in a Blue Moon . " I was with a friend down on the Pipeline trail in Richmond , VA and walked in the dark but was basking in the moon light . Decided to take a couple of pictures which are below . I still have a ways to go with long exposure ! So while in Japan I enjoyed Boss coffee out of the vending machines ! I really enjoy my tea at home but I don 't really have any mugs of my own and have always been looking for a mug . So when I was at a temple , along the street there were a lot of souvenir shops and one of them had this mug and I knew I had to have it . I love the mug and it is a good size , not super large but not puny . Just right and I love the color and look . It looks great on my desk with out any tea or coffee in it . I wonder if Boss is mad that I use it mostly for tea though , I hope not . So this past weekend I went to Colonial Williamsburg for a few hours with a friend . It ended up being a rainy day but we still had a good time walking around . I also meet up with a friend that I had meet at the place I stayed in Kyoto ! He goes to school near there oddly enough and it is easy to get to Williamsburg from Richmond , just 45 minute drive ! Anyways on with it . . . I went with the guy that was staying at the house to Nijo - jo Castle ! We rode some bikes on down the main road to get there . There was a lot at the time that was under construction but it was still a nice overcasting day ! This interesting castle has two walls of fortifications ! In 1601 , the founder of the Tokugawa Shogunate ( Tokugawa Ieyasu ) sent the order to all Feudal Lords in Western Japan to help construct the castle . It was finished in 1626 . It was the home for the Tokugawa Shogunate in Kyoto . In 1939 it was donated to the city of Kyoto and soon made public for the people to visit ! This time I visited a new trail and the tallest mountain in Shenandoah National Park , Hawksbill . Like Stony Man Mountain it reaches over 4 , 000 ft being the tallest at 4 , 051 ft ( 1235 m ) . This was the first time I have been up to this one and it will be one that I re - visit for sure . Offers views into the valley to the west and views to the east on the plateau heading towards the ocean . It is some what developed as they have s stone shelter up there , not for camping , and also the highest point where there use to be a marker they built a stone wall where you can stand or sit and look out over the blue mountains . Like Stone Man , the view is not blocked by trees as there are rock outcroppings that drop off on the other side . My father over on the left , I 'm looking south . . . The Sumida river runs along the east side of Tokyo . This part specifically is near Asakusa Shrine and Senso - ji Temple . It is actually a park along the river and you can ride the river cruise there and take it all the way to Odaiba if you like . The World Head quaters of Nintendo is located in Kyoto ! I happen to come across the building with my friend by accident . We got off the subway to early before the one we were shooting for which is the one Fushimi Inari Shrine . Anyways , we jumped the gun to early and jumped off in the rain and realized it wasn 't the right station . I turned around and said , " Hey isn 't that the World Headquarters of Nintendo ? " Sure enough it really was , dumb luck I guess haha . The Ryozen Kannon was a war memorial that was created to honor the Japanese that had died from World War II . The main statue of the Kannon is made of concrete and steel and was done in June 1955 and created by Hirosuke Ishikawa . It is 24 meters tall and is the Bodhisattva of Mercy . 2 million Japanese are honored here with tablets and also the memorial of the Unknown Soldier from World War II is here as well . High Bridge Trail is a nice long train in Virginia that is now a State Park . It was once part of the Norfolk Southern and once part of the Southside Railroad . The trail was finished this year and completes more then 30 miles of trail that is available for use by pedestrians , bicyclists and even horse back riding . The name of the park / trail is from the " High Bridge " that traverses the Appomattox River near Farmville , VA . The bridge its self is 2 , 400 ft / 730 m long and depends at what place it stands 60 - 125 ft off the ground . Was originally built 1854 over the river at this location and it was all wood with 21 brick piers which can be seen the the photo below where they still stand next to the newest bridge . During the Civil War , both sides tried to destroy to get an advantage . the Confederates finally did manage to set it on fire but it went out on it 's own . After the Battle at High Bridge , the Confederates soon surrendered at Appomattox . In 2004 , the last train went over the bridge and Norfolk Southern donated the 30 miles to the states conservation and recreation where the puled and estimated $ 11 million budget to turn it into a trail / park system . The current steel bridge that is used was built in 1914 . This building is a 50 story educational building with three individual educational institutes ; Tokyo Mode Gakuen ( fashion ) , HAL Tokyo ( tech and design ) and Shuto Iko ( medical ) . It has been standing since 2008 and is the second tallest education building in the world but only ranked 17th in Tokyo . This was taken on way out of Shinjuku Park behind the Government building So Belle Isle Park is in the middle of the James River near downtown Richmond Virginia . It is a great park to walk on , jog , ride your bike or what not . You can get to it from Tredegar Street and take a walk bridge that runs under the Lee Bridge on over . There are more post from the past on Belle Isle here , here , here and here . I am a graduate with a B . S . in Environmental Studies from VCU . I worked through school part time and interned . I run 3 blogs and also add articles to MissionStartPodcast . com ! I recently took my second trip by myself to Japan to see the autumn colors and gardens . I love to show what i see on travels and in everyday life through photography . I also like writing about what I feel and experiences that I have on my blogs Kickstarter campaign It 's been a long time everybody . I uploaded a Kickstarter campaign about a few weeks ago on Kickstarter . It is about my three trips to J . . .
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' A River in Reverse ' was pretty decent considering everyone spent most of the episode being upset about something . I didn 't know who to feel most sorry for . Klaus for having his family betray him ? Rebekah for feeling torn between loyalty and her big bro 's evil - doing ? Marcel for being an epic - fail ? Or Elijah who was having nightmares while writhing in pain from his Klaus bite ? Let 's face it , life sucks for these people . . . and they 're immortal so that 's a lot of suckiness ! Klaus basically spent the majority of his time accusing everyone of betraying him and performing monologues about his feelings . He had Cami write up his life story like Brad Pitt in Interview with a Vampire , but then she got fed up and psychoanalysed him instead . But if this episode proved anything , it was that we now know for certain that Klaus really does care . He was worried enough about Cami getting caught in the crossfire of a vampire war that he wanted her to leave town - and he also believed that she had the right to make the choice herself rather than be compelled as usual . How thoughtful . Of course he did get rather tied up when Rebekah , Marcel and his vampire posse decided to stage some sort of violent intervention . The plan was to dagger him and leave him in the garden for 52 years or something . . . Obviously Klaus is a lot more powerful than all of the other little vamps , but what they lacked in strength they made up for in numbers . Not that it mattered much though - didn 't anyone ever teach them that it 's QUALITY NOT QUANTITY ? ! For a while it looked like he was finally beaten . They chained him and beat him and stabbed him and anything else you can think of that involves pain , but then Klaus ' eyes went like this : When a guy 's eyes light up like that , you know he means business . He broke free and started killing loads of vamps . Rebekah , realising that the plan was a complete bust , begged Marcel to retrieve the golden coin that Klaus had thrown earlier , during another of his monologues , for someone to pick up as a show of loyalty . The battle ( or should I probably say slaughter ? ) ended quickly and Marcel conceded defeat . The Kingdom belongs to Klaus now - and he even kicked Marcel out of his house ! But all of it came with a sting in the tail as Marcel pointed out that Klaus couldn 't buy true loyalty ; loyalty has to be earned and Klaus ' bullying and threats will only go so far - Rebekah 's attitude towards her brother is a perfect example . Klaus then finished things up by , wait for it . . . CRYING . Seriously . Mr Big - Bad is officially a crier now . He made a very moving speech to Rebekah and Elijah about how he was jealous that Hayley liked Elijah more than him , and how they both chose to side with other people when he needed them most . In the back of my mind I know that , to an extent , Klaus deserves all of this treatment at the moment , but at the same time I did really feel sorry for him . As Rebekah aptly put it : " We don 't abandon you Nik , you drive us away . " I mean , how tragic is that ? ! Klaus didn 't want to stay to resolve the issue with his siblings any longer so he kindly gave them back the dagger that could kill them for a bit ( at least that was decent of him ) and then he moved out - and took the mother of his baby with him ! Other notable things that happened throughout the episode included Elijah suffering in a little wooden shack out in the wilderness with Hayley as his carer . In his pained state , he started having flashbacks that he somehow magically shared with Hayley , showing how he was in love with a witch called Celeste , but thanks to Klaus ' trickery she died . ( That 's another black stain on your record , Klausy - boy ) . Also , we learned that Elijah likes to spank his girlfriends - good luck with that one Hayley , m ' dear ! Hayley also made some progress with her werewolf - family history when she finally spoke to this creepy blonde woman who 'd been spying on them . In the woman 's defence , she really made an impression because she basically saved Hayley 's life . Elijah started hallucinating and strangled Hayley ( it happens ) and then the woman just came out of nowhere and poked him in the back with a bit of wood ( no sexual innuendo there , I promise ) . When all was calm they eventually had a little chat and Hayley learned that her family all suffered from a curse that reversed the typical werewolf curse ; basically they were full - time wolves EXCEPT during the full - moon . Personally , I thought that sounded quite cool and I would like to know more about these wolfy people . I 'm loving how this show is slowly drawing its story away from the witches . Hooray ! Tyler deserved to get his neck snapped . Rebekah is my hero ! First the dude disappears and neglects Caroline , then returns to have sex with her , then dumps her , then arrives in New Orleans where he kidnaps Hayley and tries to kill her baby . Even the fact that you 're good - looking can 't save you now wolf - boy . The list of mean things that he 's done is getting ridiculously long now guys . It 's about time he had his neck snapped ! I think I 've covered the basics . I can 't wait to see how Elijah takes the news that Klaus has taken Hayley next week . My goodness that girl gets taken a lot ! I expect things will be bloody - Klaus is King now ! This book focuses on a bleak moment in history : life and death in Nazi concentration camps . The majority of the novel is written in diary format , with letters added in every now and then . The diary is written by Rose Justice , a pilot who recounts her terrible suffering at the hands of the Nazis at Ravensbrück concentration camp . As a whole , I 'd say that the author manages to capture how disturbing life was for prisoners in these camps . The protagonist is made to suffer unspeakable horrors , but with the help of her ' rabbit ' friends ( prisoners used for medical experiments ) she fights her hardest to survive . While the events of the book ensure that the reader is taken on an emotional journey filled with ups and downs , I did not enjoy the narrative structure of the novel , and for that reason I can not give it a five star rating . The novel begins with Rose 's diary entries before her capture and mainly describes her life as a pilot . I found it difficult to warm towards her character at first and I did not find her diary entries particularly exciting . While I admired her skill and courage as a pilot , particularly a female one ( rare for the period ) , I did not really appreciate her recklessness which I think is what really resulted in her being captured . The diary stops suddenly and is interrupted by several letters from Rose 's friends and family , who are distraught with worry as she has gone MIA . While I understand that the sudden halt in a diary can be very harrowing , like The Diary of Anne Frank for example , I really don 't think that it worked for this fictional novel . The diary entries start up again very quickly and we learn that time has passed by several months . The diary is then used to report the events of the things that happened to Rose during the gap in her diary . This is why I don 't think the diary format is a good device to use ; we learn early on that Rose survives her ordeal but don 't actually learn about the ordeal until later . It 's almost like there is an unavoidable spoiler within the story . I also think it would have been more harrowing and would have had more impact if we followed her first person narrative during the events rather than after them . At a lot of points throughout the diary some things are very general and because of this , I sometimes felt detached from what was happening to the character . The plot itself is a good one and enough happened to persuade me to read further . Unfortunately , it is the execution of the plot 's presentation that weakens it . My other qualm is that it features a spoiler or two from Code Name Verity , which I have not yet finished reading . It is advisable that you read Amber Posted by Ever since I read The Book Thief a few weeks ago I 've been trying to find something similar ever since . It didn 't necessarily have to be set during the same era but I wanted a book that would inspire me in the same way . After much searching , I was recommended Code Name Verity by Elizabeth Wein which I am currently in the middle of reading . So far it 's good . . . that 's all I 'm going to say . If you want to know more you 'll have to wait for the review which will be posted sometime next week ! I could not tell what he was thinking . He rubbed my hair gently between his fingers . Then he said one word . It sounds the same in English and French and German . Kerosene . And he left me here with the door closed . page 131 Hallelujah ! No more doppelgangers ! I repeat : no more doppelgangers ! The Silas plot has officially ended - and yes I know I said that last week , but you never really know what the TVD writers might cook up from episode to episode . The only doppelgangers in this episode were Elena and Katherine . We have returned to the status quo . Finally ! The college plot got the chance to take over in this episode ; new vampire Jesse was being tortured by Dr Maxfield , except he 's super strong these days so he managed to break free , bite the crazy professor and quickly reveal all to Caroline . Oh and he also bit his room mate who happened to be Elena 's depressing kindred spirit , Aaron , but don 't worry he 's okay because Caroline taught Jesse how to heal people . It was sweet - kinda . Caroline and Elena were also in the process of planning their first college dorm party and used it to help Jesse cope with his new vampy status - apparently Elena thinks that being a vampire is awesome ! Who knew ? While Elena , Jesse and Caroline raved it up and whatnot , Damon was called in to convince the professor to reveal more about his experiments and the secret society ( when I say convince I mean torture obviously ) . While this was going on there were a couple of sub - plots involving Katherine and Bonnie . Now , I can 't believe I 'm about to say this and I promise I will never say it again so read carefully . . . I like Bonnie right now . I know , I 'm shocked too ! I like her new hair style , I like her new storyline which basically involves her screaming in pain as dead spirits pass through her , and I like her boyfriend cos he has some very defined muscles ( see below ! ) . Bonnie is in my good books at the moment - oh and did I mention that she no longer has witch powers ? ! I think that this is a great idea , because for the past 5 seasons she 's basically only been around to do magic spells for other people . She can 't do that now so she actually has some breathing room for real character development . I 'm excited for Bonnie ! Seriously ! The Katherine plot had its good parts and its bad parts . She is amazing and will always be amazing , but she also did something weird and totally out of character that I WAS NOT OKAY WITH . Do you remember that weird mind control thing with the only human in Mystic Falls , Matt Donovan ? Well , that appeared on Katherine 's radar this week . She was drowning her sorrows at the Grill while Matt was watching the video of the traveller dude controlling his body . In exchange for more booze , Katherine helped Matt with his " spiritual passenger " issues . I also peed my pants with laughter when I remembered how Matt already knew Nadya cos he 'd enjoyed some weird threesome thing back in his " Rebekah " days ! Katherine . . . that dude hooked up with your daughter ! LOL . Anyway , she then went and hung out with Stefan who was sat on his own and being all miserable ( no change there then ) . She offered to help him through his post - traumatic stress from all that continuous drowning he did over the summer in exchange for a favour . Look at Katherine being all heroic and helping people out ! She 's giving Stefan something to do to take his mind off his Silas issues and she 's helping out Matt . Now don 't start thinking that she 's turned over a new leaf . . . she was still totally bad - ass and she 'll take any excuse for a little bit of scheming and some free booze . She also introduced Stefan to her daughter which was hilarious , because Stefan took the news very well - his facial expression was basically like it is all the time . . . broody and frowning . Katherine , Nadya , Stefan and Matt ( my new favourite team ) hung out in the back of the Grill , where Nadya brought forth Matt 's mind passenger . They talked in Czech for a bit and we learned that the traveller didn 't know that Silas was already dead - you snooze you lose sucker ! FYI Matt 's eastern European accent is so funny , he should speak like it all the time . Traveller Matt then revealed that his mission was to kill Katherine - uhhh no way mate , not happening . So she stabbed him right in the gut . Pow ! Then she fiddled with the bloody knife , as she revealed that Matt would be fine and the knife had expelled the traveller forever . Matt was saved , Katherine was awesome , Nadya was upset because apparently she had a thing with the passenger , and Stefan was like . . . WTF ? It was amazing . After all this stuff happened , Stefan had a PTSD episode and strangled Katherine - everyone wants to hurt her all the time it seems - and she helped him through his stress by reminding him of all the people he had killed in the exact order . Nadya then came running out all upset because her Mum killed her boyfriend and bla bla bla , nobody cares that much about Nadya . This whole scene was totally weird , but I did like the bonding between Stefan and Katherine ( even if he did strangle her ) and I also liked how Katherine was showing very human emotions and behaving like a protective mother . So then this really awful thing happened : Stefan later found a note left by Katherine at the bar that was basically a suicide note . Again he was like . . . WTF ? Katherine was standing at the top of the Mystic Falls clock tower ready to COMMIT SUICIDE . Seriously ! What is it with this show and suicide at the moment ? ! Two of the doppelgangers did it last week . Another FYI : Suicide is NOT COOL . And anyway , suicide is not what MY Katherine would do - she is a survivor , though I suppose she did hang herself once but that was because she was going to come back as a vamp . BUT NO , she would not do this again . I WAS PISSED OFF AT THIS POINT IN CASE YOU DIDN ' T REALISE . She jumped but luckily Stefan was on hand to catch her . She told him ( and I 'll admit this bit was quite sad ) that she was dying of old age . Stefan said : " You 're Katherine Pierce . Suck it up . " BEST ADVICE EVER . So Katherine isn 't dead and she had a moment with Stefan that somehow managed to be harsh and cute at the same time . At least that 's something . BUT THEN . . . she made the infamous ' Katherine is scheming ' face , smiled and looked up at the tower . Perhaps she was just helping Stefan ? Or has she got something in the works involving Stefan ? Did she pretend she was committing suicide ? ( NOT COOL , KIDS BTW ) Ok , so I suppose I have lingered on the Katherine plot for long enough ( but she is the best so it 's understandable ) . While Damon was torturing the professor , we learned that he was creating vampires that only fed on other vampires . At the college party this point was proven when Jesse decided to take a bite out of sweet Caroline . He then ran off to confront the professor , but ran into Damon and decided to try and eat him . During the whole mess , Elena came along and rammed Jesse through with a bit of wood and killed him . Caroline looked completely betrayed ! I mean , her best friend just killed her new beau ! Elena 's defence : He was trying to eat my boyfriend , he couldn 't be stopped ! Well , she could of just wounded him or snapped his neck which usually happens to somebody every other episode . As is the way with Elena , the only person she could think about was Damon . Go figure . And they didn 't even really know what Jesse was capable of ; they could have helped him through his cravings etc and donated blood . But we 'll never know because he 's dead . Well done Elena , you 're so thoughtful as always . The story wasn 't over though . . . we were given another big reveal . Dr Maxfield mentioned the Augustine vampires and it turns out that Damon had heard of them before because . . . wait for it . . . HE WAS ONE ! 60 years before ! He was soon suffocated with vaporised vervain and thrown into a cell - turns out it was the same one he was in before and his initials were carved into the wall . All of this was intermixed with quick flashbacks of Damon being experimented on before . The poop is about to hit the fan my friends . I 'm actually quite intrigued . . . the only thing I 'm not looking forward to in the next few episodes are the very likely and very typical TVD flashback scenes because we all know how silly they can be sometimes . Though , if they happen to show Damon being tortured for a change then I won 't mind too much . ( Don 't worry I don 't hate Damon and I hope he gets saved bla bla bla , but I 'm definitely looking forward to seeing someone else wearing the shoes for a change ! ) So overall , Katherine was incredible as always ( I 'm going to forget about that suicide thing for now ) and Elena was annoying again . Next week Damon is going to be tortured or whatever . . . Just wait til Elena finds out that he 's missing . . . I 'm dreading that reaction . Hopefully , Katherine will be around to lighten things up with her boozing . You know the situation is dire when a show does an episode about ' twerking ' . The most recent episode of Glee was called ' The End of Twerk ' and I seriously wished that it had actually brought about THE END OF THE TWERK . But alas no , instead the episode was another excuse for Mr Schu to be all creepy and inappropriate ( see last week 's Gaga issue ) . The ep kicked off with Blaine being caught on camera having a little twerking session ( yes , it was as bad as it sounds ) . At the moment Mr Schu is all about trying to shed the goody - goody Glee image that the New Directions has , so this week he decided that everyone needed to learn how to shake their booty . Seriously , if my teacher had encouraged me to shake my butt in the school corridors , he probably would have been suspended . Don 't get me wrong , if people want to twerk in their own time then that 's fine , but sexual moves at school is just a big no - no for me . To top off the twerking , we then had a Glee - rendition of Robin Thicke 's ' Blurred Lines ' - Mr Schu playing the park of Thicke while the kids did the Miley parts . It actually got to the point where Sue was the voice of reason - even she understood the song 's misogynistic suggestions . Well done Glee writers , " let 's do a controversial song that might just be about date rape ! " For a show that prides itself on liberal messages and campaigns against social injustice , I generally have no idea what it was trying to say . All I know is , twerking at school with a teacher is NOT COOL . Honestly , I really hate this song and I feel that Glee has hit a new low in covering it . The only good song of the episode was Unique 's version of Beyonce 's ' If I Were a Boy ' - if only she could act half as well as she sings . Her plot about not being able to use the school toilets could have been a great story , except it wasn 't handled very well . Schu had to make a sacrifice in order to let the kid have a key to the staff toilets - ok , the sacrifice was twerking so I wasn 't that upset but still , nothing was really done to help her . She won 't get bullied in the boys toilets anymore , but she didn 't really win because the bullies are still out there and they didn 't learn anything . And Unique just can 't act - this makes it really hard for me to feel for her . I just find her annoying - and they never resolved that cat fishing plot she was involved with either . Marley finished the episode with a cover of Miley Cyrus ' ' Wrecking Ball ' ; the whole scene was just a crappier version of the music video . Marley sat on the ball ( thankfully she wasn 't naked ) and cheater - boy Jake was brooding in the background . This whole plot is also a joke and came completely out of nowhere ; I don 't even like the characters so I don 't give a crap about their heartache . I 'm completely unsympathetic because they aren 't strong enough for me to get emotional about them . And seriously . . . the ball ? Last week it was a copy of Katy Perry 's ' Roar ' video and this week it 's ' Wrecking Ball ' . What happened to the days when they just used to stand on stage in red t - shirts and sing ? No gimmicks just raw emotion . I MISS THE OLD DAYS ! Finally . . . Rachel and Kurt appear to have gotten their shows mixed up . I thought I was watching Glee not Smash . Though to be fair , the only thing about the episode I did enjoy were the tattoos : Kurt 's reference to Bette Midler was cool and Rachel 's tribute to Finn was really quite lovely - made even more heartfelt because she kept the tattoo a secret , like it was her own private tribute to him . I loved that . Okay , I will not linger on with this episode any more . I 've had enough . Basically it sucked . Tuning in next week is going to be a chore . . . Which is a shame because I used to really love this show . Amber YES ! Now this is an episode worth celebrating ! Know why ? Because it brought about the end of the Silas / Amara / Tessa story line - story maze is probably more like it ! Can I get a woop woop ? ! Seriously , I am so glad that this plot is over because it was literally the most complicatedly boring plot the show has ever done . Although I have to say , Silas has been amazingly hilarious recently and I actually started to enjoy him . But I 'm still glad his time is up . No more talking about a stupid 2000 year old love triangle feud ( probably where Stefan , Elena and Damon will end up too ) or the other - side , or cures and doppelgangers bla bla bla . Qetisyah , Silas and Amara are NO MORE . Again , WOOP WOOP ! The episode kicked off at a bus stop in Philly ; Silas , a 2000 year old magician , was waiting for a Greyhound . Sounds funny ? Well it was ! This scene was possibly the best scene TVD has done in recent times . Silas was acting like the crazy , drunk guy that you go out of your way to avoid at bus stops ; he wasn 't drunk but he was crazy - bitter , heart - broken , defeated but still hilarious . He ranted about how much love sucks to a couple waiting for a bus too - of course he then went psycho and liquefied the guy 's insides , while the girlfriend ran away screaming . And then he got on the bus . Psycho , crazy and hilarious makes a great combination , I 've decided . Meanwhile , Stefan had some nightmares about his life ( cos it has been pretty nightmarish to be fair ) and woke up in an anxious sweat . Then Elena turned up and decided that they needed a fresh start , because she didn 't realise that he had his memories back . Unfortunately his flashbacks were torturing him a bit and he ended up smashing a glass in his hand . Poor guy . I 'd suggest he take a road trip with his pal Lexie to chill out - but oh wait , Damon IS a DICK and killed her a while back . Stefan ain 't going on no road trip anytime soon . It 's funny how Stefan has his humanity switch off when he 's a ripper - douche whereas Damon 's is on all the time and he still does annoying things like kill Lexie or use Caroline . . . I know , I know , they 're old arguments but they 're still valid . I hold grudges for a long time ! Moving on briefly from the Salvatore snooze - fest . . . KATHERINE ! # hero ! Unfortunately she 's still ageing . But at least she 's still awesome ! She 's also pushing her daughter away - I 'm thinking this is actually because she doesn 't want her daughter to see her age and die , which is such an awww moment . The moments between Katherine and her daughter were really strong - sometimes I genuinely forget that Nina Dobrev plays all these doppelgangers because they 're portrayed so differently ; this is definitely the sign of a damn good actress . Katherine was also roped into the episode 's main plot - you know , that one that involves Silas et al . Silas and Amara still wanted to die ( or something weird like that ) but Damon , Elena and Jeremy wanted Bonnie brought back to life first . Stefan wasn 't bothered because he was all sad and mopey from all of those annoying Silas nightmares , so he decided that he wanted to kill Silas asap . Amara 's part was pretty cool - as the mystical anchor to the ' other side ' she had one foot in the living world and one in the dead world , so she could SEE Bonnie too and she recognised Jeremy . I kind of felt sorry for her , suffering for 2000 years - you 'd think Tessa / Qetsiyah would have let bygones be bygones but she wanted even more revenge . She is literally the worst character the show has had - she 's evil but it 's not even an enjoyable evil , she 's just a bitter , old woman and nobody likes one of those ! In order for Bonnie to be brought back , something extremely powerful was needed in order to aid the spell - enter the doppelgangers ! Another really cool scene featured Amara , Katherine and Elena standing in a circle , donating some blood etc - it was fun to see the differences in their characters combined with their appearances . Again , Nina Dobrev did an awesome job - I mean the 3 doppelgangers even cut their hands differently ! It was really quite amazing ! * fangirling * Of course , things didn 't quite go according to plan because Silas rocked up to disturb things . But then Stefan snatched him and then killed him in the woods - but not before Amara and Silas had a touching little reunion . They declared their love for each other and had a little smooch , but then Silas died which was actually kind of sad . Things went a little dark , Romeo and Juliet - style and Amara stabbed herself - it was pretty hardcore I have to say ! I got all confused because I thought the reason that Silas wanted to die was so that he could be with Amara in the afterlife , and he wanted to get rid of the supernatural ' other side ' to join her . But then it turned out that she was still alive , so surely they didn 't have to kill themselves ? They could have just like , jumped on a Greyhound together or something . I really don 't know what 's going on , but seriously . . . the suicide was tough . And weird . And sad . And a lot of negative things . I know that Amara wanted to die so that she didn 't have to suffer being a mystical anchor , but that was being switched to Bonnie . She only had to hold on for five minutes longer . She 'd been doing it for 2000 years as stone so 5 more minutes should have been a piece of cake . Anyway . . . Bonnie is now the anchor . Which is actually worse than being dead because now whenever somebody supernatural dies she will feel it - and it hurts . She screamed a lot and it was kind of hilarious . I know , that 's mean , but I was used to Bonnie being dead . Why does nobody stay dead in this show ? ! Speaking of more death . . . Qetsiyah then killed herself too . Ding Dong the witch is dead ! However , this kind of bummed me out a bit because she didn 't bother to help Katherine . Something I 've been wondering for a while was finally answered in this ep : Why doesn 't she just turn back into a vampire ? Well , she can 't ! Caroline offered her some blood to heal the wound on her hand , but the vampire blood made her sick . She can 't drink vampire blood so no vampire transformation for her ! PLEASE DON ' T DIE KATHERINE BECAUSE YOU ' RE THE BEST ! ! ! ! And finally back to Stefan . . . Stefan and Elena then had a little conversation while he buried Silas ' body . Elena basically thought it would be a great idea to tell him all about how she had the summer of her life bla bla bla . Good for you Elena ! You 're so good at cheering people up , it 's unreal . Stefan then pointed out that he really wanted it to be Elena and Damon - the two people he cares most about - to find him in the safe and he was disappointed that it was some randomer instead . Oh , and his nightmares didn 't go away when Silas ' died so he still has those to deal with . Seriously , the guy needs a holiday ! Overall , it was an episode jam packed with stuff - I don 't think I 've even mentioned everything ! Although some of it was frustrating , good things happened . Silas and co are gone ( hopefully forever ) , Katherine 's story line is intriguing , Stefan has his memory back and Bonnie isn 't haunting people anymore - instead people are haunting her and I 'll take that ! This episode has drawn a line under the Silas saga and now its time to start with something else - it 's likely that the Augustine vampire at the college will really take off now and this is something that I have been looking forward to for a while ! Either way , it looks like things are finally starting to look good for this crazy show ! Amber It wasn 't worth responding to . I just stared at him . There was a thread of saliva attached to the skin at the corner of his mouth . He caught the direction of my gaze and wiped it with the back of his hand . " You 're going to wreck Sweet Tooth with this . "
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' A River in Reverse ' was pretty decent considering everyone spent most of the episode being upset about something . I didn 't know who to feel most sorry for . Klaus for having his family betray him ? Rebekah for feeling torn between loyalty and her big bro 's evil - doing ? Marcel for being an epic - fail ? Or Elijah who was having nightmares while writhing in pain from his Klaus bite ? Let 's face it , life sucks for these people . . . and they 're immortal so that 's a lot of suckiness ! Klaus basically spent the majority of his time accusing everyone of betraying him and performing monologues about his feelings . He had Cami write up his life story like Brad Pitt in Interview with a Vampire , but then she got fed up and psychoanalysed him instead . But if this episode proved anything , it was that we now know for certain that Klaus really does care . He was worried enough about Cami getting caught in the crossfire of a vampire war that he wanted her to leave town - and he also believed that she had the right to make the choice herself rather than be compelled as usual . How thoughtful . Of course he did get rather tied up when Rebekah , Marcel and his vampire posse decided to stage some sort of violent intervention . The plan was to dagger him and leave him in the garden for 52 years or something . . . Obviously Klaus is a lot more powerful than all of the other little vamps , but what they lacked in strength they made up for in numbers . Not that it mattered much though - didn 't anyone ever teach them that it 's QUALITY NOT QUANTITY ? ! For a while it looked like he was finally beaten . They chained him and beat him and stabbed him and anything else you can think of that involves pain , but then Klaus ' eyes went like this : When a guy 's eyes light up like that , you know he means business . He broke free and started killing loads of vamps . Rebekah , realising that the plan was a complete bust , begged Marcel to retrieve the golden coin that Klaus had thrown earlier , during another of his monologues , for someone to pick up as a show of loyalty . The battle ( or should I probably say slaughter ? ) ended quickly and Marcel conceded defeat . The Kingdom belongs to Klaus now - and he even kicked Marcel out of his house ! But all of it came with a sting in the tail as Marcel pointed out that Klaus couldn 't buy true loyalty ; loyalty has to be earned and Klaus ' bullying and threats will only go so far - Rebekah 's attitude towards her brother is a perfect example . Klaus then finished things up by , wait for it . . . CRYING . Seriously . Mr Big - Bad is officially a crier now . He made a very moving speech to Rebekah and Elijah about how he was jealous that Hayley liked Elijah more than him , and how they both chose to side with other people when he needed them most . In the back of my mind I know that , to an extent , Klaus deserves all of this treatment at the moment , but at the same time I did really feel sorry for him . As Rebekah aptly put it : " We don 't abandon you Nik , you drive us away . " I mean , how tragic is that ? ! Klaus didn 't want to stay to resolve the issue with his siblings any longer so he kindly gave them back the dagger that could kill them for a bit ( at least that was decent of him ) and then he moved out - and took the mother of his baby with him ! Other notable things that happened throughout the episode included Elijah suffering in a little wooden shack out in the wilderness with Hayley as his carer . In his pained state , he started having flashbacks that he somehow magically shared with Hayley , showing how he was in love with a witch called Celeste , but thanks to Klaus ' trickery she died . ( That 's another black stain on your record , Klausy - boy ) . Also , we learned that Elijah likes to spank his girlfriends - good luck with that one Hayley , m ' dear ! Hayley also made some progress with her werewolf - family history when she finally spoke to this creepy blonde woman who 'd been spying on them . In the woman 's defence , she really made an impression because she basically saved Hayley 's life . Elijah started hallucinating and strangled Hayley ( it happens ) and then the woman just came out of nowhere and poked him in the back with a bit of wood ( no sexual innuendo there , I promise ) . When all was calm they eventually had a little chat and Hayley learned that her family all suffered from a curse that reversed the typical werewolf curse ; basically they were full - time wolves EXCEPT during the full - moon . Personally , I thought that sounded quite cool and I would like to know more about these wolfy people . I 'm loving how this show is slowly drawing its story away from the witches . Hooray ! Tyler deserved to get his neck snapped . Rebekah is my hero ! First the dude disappears and neglects Caroline , then returns to have sex with her , then dumps her , then arrives in New Orleans where he kidnaps Hayley and tries to kill her baby . Even the fact that you 're good - looking can 't save you now wolf - boy . The list of mean things that he 's done is getting ridiculously long now guys . It 's about time he had his neck snapped ! I think I 've covered the basics . I can 't wait to see how Elijah takes the news that Klaus has taken Hayley next week . My goodness that girl gets taken a lot ! I expect things will be bloody - Klaus is King now ! This book focuses on a bleak moment in history : life and death in Nazi concentration camps . The majority of the novel is written in diary format , with letters added in every now and then . The diary is written by Rose Justice , a pilot who recounts her terrible suffering at the hands of the Nazis at Ravensbrück concentration camp . As a whole , I 'd say that the author manages to capture how disturbing life was for prisoners in these camps . The protagonist is made to suffer unspeakable horrors , but with the help of her ' rabbit ' friends ( prisoners used for medical experiments ) she fights her hardest to survive . While the events of the book ensure that the reader is taken on an emotional journey filled with ups and downs , I did not enjoy the narrative structure of the novel , and for that reason I can not give it a five star rating . The novel begins with Rose 's diary entries before her capture and mainly describes her life as a pilot . I found it difficult to warm towards her character at first and I did not find her diary entries particularly exciting . While I admired her skill and courage as a pilot , particularly a female one ( rare for the period ) , I did not really appreciate her recklessness which I think is what really resulted in her being captured . The diary stops suddenly and is interrupted by several letters from Rose 's friends and family , who are distraught with worry as she has gone MIA . While I understand that the sudden halt in a diary can be very harrowing , like The Diary of Anne Frank for example , I really don 't think that it worked for this fictional novel . The diary entries start up again very quickly and we learn that time has passed by several months . The diary is then used to report the events of the things that happened to Rose during the gap in her diary . This is why I don 't think the diary format is a good device to use ; we learn early on that Rose survives her ordeal but don 't actually learn about the ordeal until later . It 's almost like there is an unavoidable spoiler within the story . I also think it would have been more harrowing and would have had more impact if we followed her first person narrative during the events rather than after them . At a lot of points throughout the diary some things are very general and because of this , I sometimes felt detached from what was happening to the character . The plot itself is a good one and enough happened to persuade me to read further . Unfortunately , it is the execution of the plot 's presentation that weakens it . My other qualm is that it features a spoiler or two from Code Name Verity , which I have not yet finished reading . It is advisable that you read Amber Posted by Ever since I read The Book Thief a few weeks ago I 've been trying to find something similar ever since . It didn 't necessarily have to be set during the same era but I wanted a book that would inspire me in the same way . After much searching , I was recommended Code Name Verity by Elizabeth Wein which I am currently in the middle of reading . So far it 's good . . . that 's all I 'm going to say . If you want to know more you 'll have to wait for the review which will be posted sometime next week ! I could not tell what he was thinking . He rubbed my hair gently between his fingers . Then he said one word . It sounds the same in English and French and German . Kerosene . And he left me here with the door closed . page 131 Hallelujah ! No more doppelgangers ! I repeat : no more doppelgangers ! The Silas plot has officially ended - and yes I know I said that last week , but you never really know what the TVD writers might cook up from episode to episode . The only doppelgangers in this episode were Elena and Katherine . We have returned to the status quo . Finally ! The college plot got the chance to take over in this episode ; new vampire Jesse was being tortured by Dr Maxfield , except he 's super strong these days so he managed to break free , bite the crazy professor and quickly reveal all to Caroline . Oh and he also bit his room mate who happened to be Elena 's depressing kindred spirit , Aaron , but don 't worry he 's okay because Caroline taught Jesse how to heal people . It was sweet - kinda . Caroline and Elena were also in the process of planning their first college dorm party and used it to help Jesse cope with his new vampy status - apparently Elena thinks that being a vampire is awesome ! Who knew ? While Elena , Jesse and Caroline raved it up and whatnot , Damon was called in to convince the professor to reveal more about his experiments and the secret society ( when I say convince I mean torture obviously ) . While this was going on there were a couple of sub - plots involving Katherine and Bonnie . Now , I can 't believe I 'm about to say this and I promise I will never say it again so read carefully . . . I like Bonnie right now . I know , I 'm shocked too ! I like her new hair style , I like her new storyline which basically involves her screaming in pain as dead spirits pass through her , and I like her boyfriend cos he has some very defined muscles ( see below ! ) . Bonnie is in my good books at the moment - oh and did I mention that she no longer has witch powers ? ! I think that this is a great idea , because for the past 5 seasons she 's basically only been around to do magic spells for other people . She can 't do that now so she actually has some breathing room for real character development . I 'm excited for Bonnie ! Seriously ! The Katherine plot had its good parts and its bad parts . She is amazing and will always be amazing , but she also did something weird and totally out of character that I WAS NOT OKAY WITH . Do you remember that weird mind control thing with the only human in Mystic Falls , Matt Donovan ? Well , that appeared on Katherine 's radar this week . She was drowning her sorrows at the Grill while Matt was watching the video of the traveller dude controlling his body . In exchange for more booze , Katherine helped Matt with his " spiritual passenger " issues . I also peed my pants with laughter when I remembered how Matt already knew Nadya cos he 'd enjoyed some weird threesome thing back in his " Rebekah " days ! Katherine . . . that dude hooked up with your daughter ! LOL . Anyway , she then went and hung out with Stefan who was sat on his own and being all miserable ( no change there then ) . She offered to help him through his post - traumatic stress from all that continuous drowning he did over the summer in exchange for a favour . Look at Katherine being all heroic and helping people out ! She 's giving Stefan something to do to take his mind off his Silas issues and she 's helping out Matt . Now don 't start thinking that she 's turned over a new leaf . . . she was still totally bad - ass and she 'll take any excuse for a little bit of scheming and some free booze . She also introduced Stefan to her daughter which was hilarious , because Stefan took the news very well - his facial expression was basically like it is all the time . . . broody and frowning . Katherine , Nadya , Stefan and Matt ( my new favourite team ) hung out in the back of the Grill , where Nadya brought forth Matt 's mind passenger . They talked in Czech for a bit and we learned that the traveller didn 't know that Silas was already dead - you snooze you lose sucker ! FYI Matt 's eastern European accent is so funny , he should speak like it all the time . Traveller Matt then revealed that his mission was to kill Katherine - uhhh no way mate , not happening . So she stabbed him right in the gut . Pow ! Then she fiddled with the bloody knife , as she revealed that Matt would be fine and the knife had expelled the traveller forever . Matt was saved , Katherine was awesome , Nadya was upset because apparently she had a thing with the passenger , and Stefan was like . . . WTF ? It was amazing . After all this stuff happened , Stefan had a PTSD episode and strangled Katherine - everyone wants to hurt her all the time it seems - and she helped him through his stress by reminding him of all the people he had killed in the exact order . Nadya then came running out all upset because her Mum killed her boyfriend and bla bla bla , nobody cares that much about Nadya . This whole scene was totally weird , but I did like the bonding between Stefan and Katherine ( even if he did strangle her ) and I also liked how Katherine was showing very human emotions and behaving like a protective mother . So then this really awful thing happened : Stefan later found a note left by Katherine at the bar that was basically a suicide note . Again he was like . . . WTF ? Katherine was standing at the top of the Mystic Falls clock tower ready to COMMIT SUICIDE . Seriously ! What is it with this show and suicide at the moment ? ! Two of the doppelgangers did it last week . Another FYI : Suicide is NOT COOL . And anyway , suicide is not what MY Katherine would do - she is a survivor , though I suppose she did hang herself once but that was because she was going to come back as a vamp . BUT NO , she would not do this again . I WAS PISSED OFF AT THIS POINT IN CASE YOU DIDN ' T REALISE . She jumped but luckily Stefan was on hand to catch her . She told him ( and I 'll admit this bit was quite sad ) that she was dying of old age . Stefan said : " You 're Katherine Pierce . Suck it up . " BEST ADVICE EVER . So Katherine isn 't dead and she had a moment with Stefan that somehow managed to be harsh and cute at the same time . At least that 's something . BUT THEN . . . she made the infamous ' Katherine is scheming ' face , smiled and looked up at the tower . Perhaps she was just helping Stefan ? Or has she got something in the works involving Stefan ? Did she pretend she was committing suicide ? ( NOT COOL , KIDS BTW ) Ok , so I suppose I have lingered on the Katherine plot for long enough ( but she is the best so it 's understandable ) . While Damon was torturing the professor , we learned that he was creating vampires that only fed on other vampires . At the college party this point was proven when Jesse decided to take a bite out of sweet Caroline . He then ran off to confront the professor , but ran into Damon and decided to try and eat him . During the whole mess , Elena came along and rammed Jesse through with a bit of wood and killed him . Caroline looked completely betrayed ! I mean , her best friend just killed her new beau ! Elena 's defence : He was trying to eat my boyfriend , he couldn 't be stopped ! Well , she could of just wounded him or snapped his neck which usually happens to somebody every other episode . As is the way with Elena , the only person she could think about was Damon . Go figure . And they didn 't even really know what Jesse was capable of ; they could have helped him through his cravings etc and donated blood . But we 'll never know because he 's dead . Well done Elena , you 're so thoughtful as always . The story wasn 't over though . . . we were given another big reveal . Dr Maxfield mentioned the Augustine vampires and it turns out that Damon had heard of them before because . . . wait for it . . . HE WAS ONE ! 60 years before ! He was soon suffocated with vaporised vervain and thrown into a cell - turns out it was the same one he was in before and his initials were carved into the wall . All of this was intermixed with quick flashbacks of Damon being experimented on before . The poop is about to hit the fan my friends . I 'm actually quite intrigued . . . the only thing I 'm not looking forward to in the next few episodes are the very likely and very typical TVD flashback scenes because we all know how silly they can be sometimes . Though , if they happen to show Damon being tortured for a change then I won 't mind too much . ( Don 't worry I don 't hate Damon and I hope he gets saved bla bla bla , but I 'm definitely looking forward to seeing someone else wearing the shoes for a change ! ) So overall , Katherine was incredible as always ( I 'm going to forget about that suicide thing for now ) and Elena was annoying again . Next week Damon is going to be tortured or whatever . . . Just wait til Elena finds out that he 's missing . . . I 'm dreading that reaction . Hopefully , Katherine will be around to lighten things up with her boozing . You know the situation is dire when a show does an episode about ' twerking ' . The most recent episode of Glee was called ' The End of Twerk ' and I seriously wished that it had actually brought about THE END OF THE TWERK . But alas no , instead the episode was another excuse for Mr Schu to be all creepy and inappropriate ( see last week 's Gaga issue ) . The ep kicked off with Blaine being caught on camera having a little twerking session ( yes , it was as bad as it sounds ) . At the moment Mr Schu is all about trying to shed the goody - goody Glee image that the New Directions has , so this week he decided that everyone needed to learn how to shake their booty . Seriously , if my teacher had encouraged me to shake my butt in the school corridors , he probably would have been suspended . Don 't get me wrong , if people want to twerk in their own time then that 's fine , but sexual moves at school is just a big no - no for me . To top off the twerking , we then had a Glee - rendition of Robin Thicke 's ' Blurred Lines ' - Mr Schu playing the park of Thicke while the kids did the Miley parts . It actually got to the point where Sue was the voice of reason - even she understood the song 's misogynistic suggestions . Well done Glee writers , " let 's do a controversial song that might just be about date rape ! " For a show that prides itself on liberal messages and campaigns against social injustice , I generally have no idea what it was trying to say . All I know is , twerking at school with a teacher is NOT COOL . Honestly , I really hate this song and I feel that Glee has hit a new low in covering it . The only good song of the episode was Unique 's version of Beyonce 's ' If I Were a Boy ' - if only she could act half as well as she sings . Her plot about not being able to use the school toilets could have been a great story , except it wasn 't handled very well . Schu had to make a sacrifice in order to let the kid have a key to the staff toilets - ok , the sacrifice was twerking so I wasn 't that upset but still , nothing was really done to help her . She won 't get bullied in the boys toilets anymore , but she didn 't really win because the bullies are still out there and they didn 't learn anything . And Unique just can 't act - this makes it really hard for me to feel for her . I just find her annoying - and they never resolved that cat fishing plot she was involved with either . Marley finished the episode with a cover of Miley Cyrus ' ' Wrecking Ball ' ; the whole scene was just a crappier version of the music video . Marley sat on the ball ( thankfully she wasn 't naked ) and cheater - boy Jake was brooding in the background . This whole plot is also a joke and came completely out of nowhere ; I don 't even like the characters so I don 't give a crap about their heartache . I 'm completely unsympathetic because they aren 't strong enough for me to get emotional about them . And seriously . . . the ball ? Last week it was a copy of Katy Perry 's ' Roar ' video and this week it 's ' Wrecking Ball ' . What happened to the days when they just used to stand on stage in red t - shirts and sing ? No gimmicks just raw emotion . I MISS THE OLD DAYS ! Finally . . . Rachel and Kurt appear to have gotten their shows mixed up . I thought I was watching Glee not Smash . Though to be fair , the only thing about the episode I did enjoy were the tattoos : Kurt 's reference to Bette Midler was cool and Rachel 's tribute to Finn was really quite lovely - made even more heartfelt because she kept the tattoo a secret , like it was her own private tribute to him . I loved that . Okay , I will not linger on with this episode any more . I 've had enough . Basically it sucked . Tuning in next week is going to be a chore . . . Which is a shame because I used to really love this show . Amber YES ! Now this is an episode worth celebrating ! Know why ? Because it brought about the end of the Silas / Amara / Tessa story line - story maze is probably more like it ! Can I get a woop woop ? ! Seriously , I am so glad that this plot is over because it was literally the most complicatedly boring plot the show has ever done . Although I have to say , Silas has been amazingly hilarious recently and I actually started to enjoy him . But I 'm still glad his time is up . No more talking about a stupid 2000 year old love triangle feud ( probably where Stefan , Elena and Damon will end up too ) or the other - side , or cures and doppelgangers bla bla bla . Qetisyah , Silas and Amara are NO MORE . Again , WOOP WOOP ! The episode kicked off at a bus stop in Philly ; Silas , a 2000 year old magician , was waiting for a Greyhound . Sounds funny ? Well it was ! This scene was possibly the best scene TVD has done in recent times . Silas was acting like the crazy , drunk guy that you go out of your way to avoid at bus stops ; he wasn 't drunk but he was crazy - bitter , heart - broken , defeated but still hilarious . He ranted about how much love sucks to a couple waiting for a bus too - of course he then went psycho and liquefied the guy 's insides , while the girlfriend ran away screaming . And then he got on the bus . Psycho , crazy and hilarious makes a great combination , I 've decided . Meanwhile , Stefan had some nightmares about his life ( cos it has been pretty nightmarish to be fair ) and woke up in an anxious sweat . Then Elena turned up and decided that they needed a fresh start , because she didn 't realise that he had his memories back . Unfortunately his flashbacks were torturing him a bit and he ended up smashing a glass in his hand . Poor guy . I 'd suggest he take a road trip with his pal Lexie to chill out - but oh wait , Damon IS a DICK and killed her a while back . Stefan ain 't going on no road trip anytime soon . It 's funny how Stefan has his humanity switch off when he 's a ripper - douche whereas Damon 's is on all the time and he still does annoying things like kill Lexie or use Caroline . . . I know , I know , they 're old arguments but they 're still valid . I hold grudges for a long time ! Moving on briefly from the Salvatore snooze - fest . . . KATHERINE ! # hero ! Unfortunately she 's still ageing . But at least she 's still awesome ! She 's also pushing her daughter away - I 'm thinking this is actually because she doesn 't want her daughter to see her age and die , which is such an awww moment . The moments between Katherine and her daughter were really strong - sometimes I genuinely forget that Nina Dobrev plays all these doppelgangers because they 're portrayed so differently ; this is definitely the sign of a damn good actress . Katherine was also roped into the episode 's main plot - you know , that one that involves Silas et al . Silas and Amara still wanted to die ( or something weird like that ) but Damon , Elena and Jeremy wanted Bonnie brought back to life first . Stefan wasn 't bothered because he was all sad and mopey from all of those annoying Silas nightmares , so he decided that he wanted to kill Silas asap . Amara 's part was pretty cool - as the mystical anchor to the ' other side ' she had one foot in the living world and one in the dead world , so she could SEE Bonnie too and she recognised Jeremy . I kind of felt sorry for her , suffering for 2000 years - you 'd think Tessa / Qetsiyah would have let bygones be bygones but she wanted even more revenge . She is literally the worst character the show has had - she 's evil but it 's not even an enjoyable evil , she 's just a bitter , old woman and nobody likes one of those ! In order for Bonnie to be brought back , something extremely powerful was needed in order to aid the spell - enter the doppelgangers ! Another really cool scene featured Amara , Katherine and Elena standing in a circle , donating some blood etc - it was fun to see the differences in their characters combined with their appearances . Again , Nina Dobrev did an awesome job - I mean the 3 doppelgangers even cut their hands differently ! It was really quite amazing ! * fangirling * Of course , things didn 't quite go according to plan because Silas rocked up to disturb things . But then Stefan snatched him and then killed him in the woods - but not before Amara and Silas had a touching little reunion . They declared their love for each other and had a little smooch , but then Silas died which was actually kind of sad . Things went a little dark , Romeo and Juliet - style and Amara stabbed herself - it was pretty hardcore I have to say ! I got all confused because I thought the reason that Silas wanted to die was so that he could be with Amara in the afterlife , and he wanted to get rid of the supernatural ' other side ' to join her . But then it turned out that she was still alive , so surely they didn 't have to kill themselves ? They could have just like , jumped on a Greyhound together or something . I really don 't know what 's going on , but seriously . . . the suicide was tough . And weird . And sad . And a lot of negative things . I know that Amara wanted to die so that she didn 't have to suffer being a mystical anchor , but that was being switched to Bonnie . She only had to hold on for five minutes longer . She 'd been doing it for 2000 years as stone so 5 more minutes should have been a piece of cake . Anyway . . . Bonnie is now the anchor . Which is actually worse than being dead because now whenever somebody supernatural dies she will feel it - and it hurts . She screamed a lot and it was kind of hilarious . I know , that 's mean , but I was used to Bonnie being dead . Why does nobody stay dead in this show ? ! Speaking of more death . . . Qetsiyah then killed herself too . Ding Dong the witch is dead ! However , this kind of bummed me out a bit because she didn 't bother to help Katherine . Something I 've been wondering for a while was finally answered in this ep : Why doesn 't she just turn back into a vampire ? Well , she can 't ! Caroline offered her some blood to heal the wound on her hand , but the vampire blood made her sick . She can 't drink vampire blood so no vampire transformation for her ! PLEASE DON ' T DIE KATHERINE BECAUSE YOU ' RE THE BEST ! ! ! ! And finally back to Stefan . . . Stefan and Elena then had a little conversation while he buried Silas ' body . Elena basically thought it would be a great idea to tell him all about how she had the summer of her life bla bla bla . Good for you Elena ! You 're so good at cheering people up , it 's unreal . Stefan then pointed out that he really wanted it to be Elena and Damon - the two people he cares most about - to find him in the safe and he was disappointed that it was some randomer instead . Oh , and his nightmares didn 't go away when Silas ' died so he still has those to deal with . Seriously , the guy needs a holiday ! Overall , it was an episode jam packed with stuff - I don 't think I 've even mentioned everything ! Although some of it was frustrating , good things happened . Silas and co are gone ( hopefully forever ) , Katherine 's story line is intriguing , Stefan has his memory back and Bonnie isn 't haunting people anymore - instead people are haunting her and I 'll take that ! This episode has drawn a line under the Silas saga and now its time to start with something else - it 's likely that the Augustine vampire at the college will really take off now and this is something that I have been looking forward to for a while ! Either way , it looks like things are finally starting to look good for this crazy show ! Amber It wasn 't worth responding to . I just stared at him . There was a thread of saliva attached to the skin at the corner of his mouth . He caught the direction of my gaze and wiped it with the back of his hand . " You 're going to wreck Sweet Tooth with this . "
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More poetry ? Be sure to check in on The Spring Ghazals ! There have been some exciting new posts there recently , including one about another book review which you can read here on the Soulless Machine blog - big thanks to writer Aaron Wilson ! There won 't be a Monday post on Alcools . The next translation isn 't completed yet ( again ) . Wow , October really is zooming past us ! Here we are with the final Homegrown Radio segment for the month , which also means it 's the last installment from Joel Murach . Joel sure has done a fine job by Homegrown Radio this month . But not to worry : the series will return in November with Bernie Jungle , who is perhaps the best guitar player it 's my pleasure to know - also a very good songwriter , singer & a truly good guy . Bernie has performed not only as a soloist , but also in bands such as Warm Wires , Thunderbleed & the Great Auk - the latter , a duo with Carrie Bradley , is one of my all - time favorite bands . But before we get too far ahead of ourselves , let 's hear what Joel has to say about " Ghost in the river , " this week 's song : First , thanks to John for having me here at Homegrown Radio . And thanks to everyone who commented on the songs . It has been a lot of fun for me to be here . I first thought of this song , " Ghost in the river " , when I was camping out by a river . I had awoken in the middle of the night , and as I stood outside my tent in the moonlight , there was a fine white mist coming off the river . To me , it looked like a ghost . And it got me to thinking about ghosts and rivers . . . two recurring themes in my songwriting . A couple years later , I wrote this song , which combines those two themes . For those musicologists out there , this song is in 5 / 4 , which is a time signature that isn 't used much these days . I hope you like it ! Thank you Joel for bringing such quality offerings to the Homegrown Radio table ! & don 't forget , folks : you can purchase Joel 's cds on his website here . Enjoy the song . Inez stood for an instant in the kitchen door , dressed only in Julian 's black silk robe . Claude was already up drinking coffee and there was someone named Patrick involved in preparing a very elaborate - something . " Nutmeg ? " he said cheerfully over his shoulder . " In the cabinet over the stove . " Claude said not looking up from the paper . Claude cleared a place for Inez . " He believes breakfast is the most important meal of the day , " Claude said to Inez . " It is . " Patrick responded brightly , as he spun around cradling a bowl while whisking away the contents . He looked just like Tin Tin in the cartoon . Claude had moved into middle age somewhat gracefully she thought - perhaps not as gracefully as Julian but he seemed less strident , calmer . For years he had often struck her as facile and easily stirred - reading some new pop psych idea and applying it all over the room - the chairs , the door , the sink - everything would have a ridiculous reason something he read and just applied freely - this was honest , that was not - Robert Bly - beating a drum , half naked , or buck , inner children , howling men , sweat lodges , howling at the moon , nursing old wounds - facile - as useless as applying a band aid to the spurting jagged stump of the torn off limb . The question that pushed to the front of Inez ' mind was why was he still here , living in the back of the house . But by all rights why not ask her why she was still in Flatbush , living over Mrs . Mermelstein . At the exact moment Inez poured her mug full of coffee , Patrick started listing all the violations he had endured ; immediately it was proving to be very tedious . With singsong authority he was explaining his issues in the work place ; Inez doubted he had the need to work , or even a particular aptitude for anything . He may well have been merely showing up everyday to attend to the issues . The right to marry whom he chose , which Inez thought a remote possibility given what she was seeing - but she was not a morning person . He talked with strain , like he was pitching words over a fence . Long story short , he struggled , at a summer camp in the Berkshires and again at boarding school in Vermont . " It was painful very painful . " Oh God , Inez thought . Where 's Patrick , weren 't you watching him ? Was the gate up ? He just toddled out to stand out in the wide dangerous world - a four - lane highway . Had he never even seen a photograph of let 's say Babi Yar , Rwanda ? Did he not also jump out of his skin when a jet passed overhead ? Her head was shot through with painful hoofs stamping - wild beasts . He looked at Inez for a response - which she had none , save to turn to Claude . " Tylenol ? " she said flatly . " Hall medicine cabinet . I 'll get it , " he said . Patrick kept talking . Enough , she thought , please , little one - shut the fuck up . Had she just said that , or just thought it . She was not sure . She looked at him to try to read a response - his eyes radiated the self - importance of a nocturnal creature that had just stepped into the night and had the whole jungle to himself - aroused glandular eyes - black and gold - shining . He 's high . Inez thought . She gulped the pills , chasing them with coffee . As they were standing side by side next to the kitchen counter Inez could not help but assess the age difference between Patrick and Claude . It was vast , decades . It made her feel grim and sad . In the never ending conversation that her mother had about this country , the city , and all the flaws of the American people , the goyim mostly , the neighbors sometimes , she had once turned to Inez when they were out walking and a man who had been feeding pigeons approached them . At that moment as he passed them on the sidewalk her mother added an item to the list : In America nobody seemed to notice that there was nothing in this life sadder than an old faygale . Her mother always used age as the great equalizer . Actually , Inez could think of a few things but for the first time in her life Inez had reason to recall the statement . " So where 's Julian already ? " Patrick asked smoothing the pocket of his light green pants . " Breakfast is done and I need to be pushing off . Tell him I left the shirt in the closet - it didn 't work for me . I 'll call him - have fun , gotta give her credit she keeps trying . " When the door closed behind him , Claude turned to Inez and said , " You can tell Julian the coast is clear he can come out now . I am sorry . I better go check on Miranda . " He made " the reefer " sign with his fingers to his lips . Ya ya sistas & bros - made it to Dad 's . Bored crazy . Aunt 's wedding - love my dress , shows da girls in their best light - ha ha . Gotta find something / somebody to do here . Hpe there are gr8 guys at the wedding - for real She hit send . The machine made a whoosh sound . Claude knocked at the door holding a sleeve of cookies two paper cups and a jug of milk . He sat at the bottom of the unmade bed . " Cookies for Breakfast ? " Miranda flopped back against the bed . " They 're your favorite , " he says twinkling a cookie between his fingers . She felt for an instant outside herself - like she was outside her window and not actually in the room . She noticed she gets this feeling whenever she smokes that stuff that Emily bought from that guy on West 86th . It made her watch herself at a distance . Then , she feels like she is in an old TV sitcom , canned laughter , applause - Claude wanted her to just start pouring her heart out and then they 'll hug . Yup the whole tedious story right there on the tip of her tongue - like her mother wasn 't on the phone to her father , like her father just happened to forget to tell Claude - Miranda here forever . Mom is getting treatments so she may not die . She burst out laughing - " where 's the remote . " Laughter filled the room - like fistfuls of gold confetti . The wedding was in the gardens of a former estate , a gray stone mansion up on a hill that overlooked the water . Julian walked Cleo down the aisles . At the reception the settings were ludicrous when they only meant to be witty . There was a long white tent stretched out on a lush green lawn . The reception felt subdued and dreamy - women gliding by with pastel pink and green drinks . Handsome waiters bearing trays of champagne . The tablecloths were trimmed in gold trim to match the guests . Miranda bounced and skipped on the sweeping lawn next to the elegant white tent . She was holding a glass of champagne and laughing a loud dirty laugh . Each time Inez looked she was gripping her father 's elbow and then reaching for a greedy grab at trays as they passed . When Inez stood next to them , Miranda leaned over and hugged Inez across the chest and placed her hard candy mouth right next to Inez 's ear . Inside the tent Julian sipped the wine and watched dust sparkle in a diminishing patch of sunlight on the lawn . Maybe it was the wine . These small sips gave him time to reflect - sometimes he could catch a glimpse of himself , as he was , as he thought he was - either way they were nothing like who he had expected to become - all the photographs in his mind - untaken . Great art and artifacts had passed through his hands . Relics surely people had died for and some that had rescued others . Once he held in his hand a tiny Ruben , its sale saved a whole Jewish Family . Another time , he found behind the frame of minor Flemish painter a stash of letters - yes , lives were lived in his " transactions " He was older this night , last week and a year ago , than his father had been when he died . What had this age given him anyway ? Not new worlds - Not love , even that was a bawdy , freakish parade float of money or politics . He refilled the glass and his thoughts loosened a bit more - what we believe today we may not believe tomorrow or the day after . Surely , somewhere , he thought someone is on the brink of a very large truth , a new reality . In the back of the imposing gray Mansion there was a large bluestone terrace looking out over the water . Inez rounded a corner and went through an archway of pink fairy roses , a bower with the last bits of daylight breaking through . It stretched like a hallway and lush flowers hung like strings of beads , bits of costume jewelry . " You 're all up in the Kool - Aid and don 't even know the flavor . Don 't think my father is going to sleep with you . You 're not his type . " That 's what she said , leaking irony from both corners of her red mouth . All the coarse bravado , the carnal insight slashed Inez across her face like a straight razor . Yet in this moment there were still the tender night noises , and the vista . Actually the view was maybe the most beautiful thing she had ever seen . The water so wide and dark , she knows she can 't cross over . The boats , sails waving like the banners of ancient tribes . Inez loosened her shoes and freed her feet to rub her toes out and hung the green silk scarf over the back of a chair . She waited , for the sea change , a hundred little crayon colored sailboats drifting past . How the boys gravitated toward her now , held in that orbit . Would there be many or few ? Who could know ? Which would stay , if any ? Poor girl , little mouse , will be all alone . Inez waited ; soon night would darken the world into an unrecognizable form . Tonight meteors , not planes streaking past would hiss and sputter as they hit the water . Happy Wednesday afternoon , everybody . I 'm once again intruding on B . N . 's story to bring you more news about my book , The Spring Ghazals . You can read my interview about the book right here on Jessica Fox - Wilson 's blog everything feeds process . Jessica has been so generous with her support of The Spring Ghazals , & I 'm very grateful for all her efforts . I know of one more review that 's slated to appear next week , but I do want to remind everybody that I 'd be happy to have more reviews or interviews . It 's not always easy trying to market a self - published book of poetry - actually , if you asked publishers , I think they might say the same for poetry that 's published traditionally - & it sure is great to have help in the process . You can hear a couple more of the ghazals in the ongoing virtual reading over on The Spring Ghazals blog - just follow this link . Also , I 'm happy to announce that you can get the book at a 15 % discount ( all absorbed by Lulu in case you 're curious ) from now thru November 15th - simply by entering coupon code LEAF305 when you checkout - you can read all the details here . Once again , The Spring Ghazals is available on Lulu right here . Now we return to our regularly scheduled programming … . The house was on tree lined well - tended quiet street in Cambridge . It was narrow and creamily quaint in the last moments of daylight . The wooded twin doors were huge , heavy . Inez blinked in the entranceway . On the table was a half a glass of ice tea with mostly melted ice - she looked around for the owner . A shirt was draped over a chair with a tie . There were fruit bowls the color of mercury - fluid shapes filled with bright citrus . There was a note on the side table under the gilt mirror - Call Adelstein back . Julian stood in the doorway of the bedroom and when Inez turned around he was unbuttoning his shirt . It wasn 't unexpected , hadn 't it been hoped for , in part why she came . With his finger her traced her collarbone and laid his head on her shoulder . She remembered her apartment , a day at the lake , in the stacks late at night in the library . His mother 's house ? " We were alone , nobody home , " Julian said . " Put on the dress , leave your underwear off , that dress is so lovely on you . " He sighed and said softly . Julian slides his hands over the dress and then under . " Lie back " he whispered . " Don 't forget you need to call Adelstein , " she said before they were too far along . Then he pulled her down to the bottom of the bed and positioned her legs on his shoulders . His forearms looked sculpted and elegant . She was grateful he wanted the dress , such a kindness for him to not expect her now after so long to stand or even lie naked . She must have drifted off to sleep . For an instant she could not remember where she was . The cocoon - like softness of unfamiliar sheets against her skin . She dreamt of the Rabbi , several in fact bearded in black hats and frock coats . They were shouting at her to jump . She was standing on a ledge with granite angels on either side of her . What had awakened her ? The fear of falling . Voices ? From where , the kitchen ? The hall outside her room ? " Just go if you said you were going . " She was sure she heard that . The voice was rubbery and bounced in her range of awareness . Like when she was a child tugged out of bed in the middle of the night holding the frayed end of her parents ' hushed voices behind the closed door . Out in the hall standing only in a robe she found hanging in the closet . " Does it mean anything ? Why ? You always do this . " " Can 't it wait ? " she heard Julian 's voice trail off . She heard the rush of tap water . " Patrick is going to be here any minute . " " So just go " She heard a door close at the front of the house . Inez went back into the room and sat on the bed and then quickly , blessedly fell back asleep . Again she was on a ledge of the very high building . So high that now she could see into the windows of planes as they flew past . She could see the confused terrified expressions on the passengers ' faces , mouthing words to her . She was trying to read their lips , but could not make out what they were saying . The granite angels were crying , tear stained , and a lone tiny Rabbi very far below was gesturing at her to jump . In the morning she awoke early to the sound of water moaning through the pipes . Julian stepped out into the hall wrapped in a towel and shook his mane like a lion emerging onto a riverbank . In the small guestroom Inez took the dress from the closet and held it against her body - letting it fall , just so against her shins . She closed her eyes , in gratitude , in prayer , in fear . After all these years there was still possibility . Julian had insisted , insisted that she get that dress . Light from the bay window was just starting to seep into the living room . She picked up a framed photograph from the piano . Julian and somebody blurry in sun glasses , the Taj Mahal in the background . " Oh India last Fall , that flesh color spot - Claude . Julian startled her - had he been sitting in the chair all night ? " What a nightmare , a hell hole , animals in the street , huge crowds , heat , smells , I got so uncomfortable that I just left the whole continent and went to sit in rainy Amsterdam to medicate and attend my stomach cramps with modern plumbing . Claude stuck it out - All that local color - he even went trekking . The Sherpa would have had to carry me to base camp and back . He clamed to have a good time . " Over the years Inez constructed Claude in her mind in several ways . Claude , poor old , good old , hope - against - hope Claude . He had been an adjunct since their first week of school freshman year . She remembered how he appeared in the dorm hallway holding an imported beer and wearing a mock colligate outfit - a blue and gold University sweat shirt , chinos , right down to the brown deck moccasins with no socks . How was it Claude ended up there , now it seemed he had always been there , or nearby , waiting in the hall , on the library steps , in front of restaurants ? - she had to force herself back to the chronology - there was law school at Columbia , then the opportunity at the Kennedy School , like his father and brother , also clerking for a judge - something had happened , was it a scandal or a heartbreak ? Then a job at firm in a high glass tower - paper in , paper out . Julian had the house , huge . Suddenly , the crazy Vera left him with baby Miranda , gone so fast there was not even a vapor trail . She recalled that in New York , nightly Claude would fold himself like an origami swan into the small jeweled , velvet lined lacquered box that was his apartment . " Move to Brooklyn " she would tell him . Brooklyn is the new Manhattan - No , he wanted to see himself reflected in the dilated pupils of so many men like himself . Then poof - Vera was gone - like a gate opened wide . He saw it as a sign - so mistaken , it was a sign - that Vera was very very unstable . No , he wasn 't crazy . At times Julian seemed responsive - sure there were women too of course but everybody had those , well almost everybody . Claude thought with time Julian would settle the matter and Claude would be the settlement . Oh god how absurd his imaginings must have been in retrospect , coupling , partnership , Julian - whatever it would have looked like or been called . How long did it take him to realize that Julian was , let 's say , limited in his partnership potential and abilities in human interaction ? Well , once he was there not that long , but longer than it should . Julian was content , more than content with a good fuck every so often but even those become sad , torn down often drunk exchanges . Oh the mornings , pure hell . What did she remember ? Claude had told her years ago that when he had called , Julian 's voice was etched with something dark - shock maybe . So earnestly Claude had said " I 'm worried " and with that took her into his confidence in her at a dinIn truth , Claude at twenty seven did not need to be offered twice - As far as she knew what Julian had said was , " Yes a large back room , just till you get your own place - I have room , 15 to be exact - know how to change a diaper . " Nothing ever happened - well of course some things happened sometimes but it never became the blossoming flower Claude had hoped for and neither did it crawl away to die . After time Claude was forced to think that maybe Julian was content to fill his clients lives with articles confiscated from people with inner lives . Maybe Julian was his own best client . Sometime , rarely , Claude still imagined that there was a chamber of Julian 's heart filled with shadows like photographic negatives - the image is in the absence of the image - a perfect celadon bowl , a mortar and pestle , two young men . Then for many years there was Miranda sucking her thumb - " ducky ducky , " Claude would quack as he toweled her freshly washed hair . Julian off someplace buying something to place on someone 's shelf or wall . Still some hope . But there were the photos of little Miranda - a bobble head infant all tipsy and fat . She looked so much like her mother Vera in dark complexion and the black eyes , but had Julian 's bone structure . No Claude there . Little Miranda pranced like a trained pony in and out of rooms . Her manicured nails clicking out everything she wanted and all her parents ' failings on some invisible table . Her forearms stacked with thin bangles that clicked and clanked with every wave of her hand . No doubt it was a bad time , maybe the worst for Claude to just bow out . He could smell the smoke on Miranda 's hair and clothes see her bloodshot eyes . He knew she was tearing it up with sullen neck tattooed boys that hunched waiting across the street or in the park . What he wanted to do or say was not even possible . He had watched Julian turn into more of hoax each year . " Julian , you are a fraudulent honking goose , a condensing puff of bad breath . " The silent pantomime of waiting first for Vera to return to sanity , then for the right woman and then filling in the gaps . Now , it was rare that Claude remembered what it had been like when it seemed to be close to perfect . What he understood is that perfect leads to nothing . Nobody would have called it innocent at Julian 's parents large white house while they were away . They were just twenty and had been drinking . Music was blasting Van Morrison from a stereo downstairs and they were in of all places Julian 's mother 's bedroom . Claude had maneuvered the whole weekend into being like a master strategist . By Saturday afternoon Julian came all over his mother 's bedspread and again on the green velvet settee and against Claude 's neck . Then , not a word was spoken about his mother 's bedroom , or Claude 's apartment or the motel rooms . No more strategies were ever needed . Ah be careful what you wish for . Claude let go his expectations like a kite string . The back of the house was enough for him . As for Miranda , she could not remember her parents " together " nor even imagine it . Summer visits , airports , tickets , that whole rigmarole . All those times her father was away on buying trips . Claude had read her Madeline , privately she used to imagine getting sick in the middle of the night and being rushed , wrapped in a blanket , to the hospital . And then walking after a very dangerous surgery to her parents - worried , smiling , loving . Real parents , not these misshapen creatures that try to reach out towards her like lurching ghouls in some old movie . Her parents were both such hypocrites - sad , really . Her mother running around with a pack of Euro trash half her age - all claiming to be political . Whatever . Then she stopped taking care of herself - poof , she would walk around in sweatpants and gray tee shirts , 3 to a pack , that were so long they fell mid thigh . Her hair hung in thin strings around her yellowing face . Her mother seemed to be shrinking . Miranda almost pleaded with her at times , to wear something else . All the hair on her legs and armpits . It got to the point that she could never bring a friend home . Her father with his good straight American teeth - who was he kidding , did he think she was an idiot ? The curtain lifts and the play begins . Her father bringing a different woman to every possible occasion , and some not so possible occasions . All so hopeful , with their cute ears pitched forward like little forest bunnies - pick me , pick me , they cried silently and in unison . The way she saw it after smoking some of her new stash of loud , and what she told her friend Rena when they were hanging out in her bedroom last week was that her parents were like her hamsters - sniffing and scratching rodents . They did ridiculous things , anybody could see that . For example that guy Alex that her mother brought home , OMG he was half her age and wanted to " protect , " " save " whom ? From what ? Seals , snowy owls . What he really wanted was to stand naked in his black ankle socks while her mother held him and stroked his hair . For real , that 's what he wanted - all he wanted . Next time mom you may want to shut the door . The sad thing is her mother did not even . . . not an idea , not a clue . Oh that 's her mother . She cooked and preened for him until one day in the market she saw him - acting normal , laughing and juggling lemons for a young blonde girl . When Julian opened the front door that morning of the wedding there was Adelstein lying on the matt . All over the morning paper - a lawsuit brought by his sisters , a pair of Gonerils with hair sculpted into king cobras ' mantles . Julian had been stocking their homes with expensive , rare and above all special objects , that if hadn 't been for how much they paid would have been more appreciated and better understood at the bottom of a well . The sisters were quoted as saying - it 's not the money , but the principle - they looked like eels flashing the muddy bottom . Julian noted that some people , more that you would think , just don 't embarrass - as he read over the paper he wondered if they were so obtuse as to imagine anybody could ever mistake them as " principled " by any definition of the word . What was it Adelstein wanted ? - or wanted more of , and how much would he pay ? Julian left the paper on the kitchen table and went into his study . He picked up the black cordless phone , no , bad idea , he realized , still too early , could get touchy - he opted to email Adelstein had undergone a recent religious awakening and wanted Judiaca . 18th century German and Holy Land antiquities . Did this correspond in any or all ways with his current " troubles " ? The man could no doubt afford the Sarajevo Haggadah and he wanted menorahs - Kiddush cups that held a quart adorned with tumorous clusters of grapes , clay oil jars . It was better when he just wanted a floral still life by Degas or worse , cubist dancers - you know he said - those ballerinas . Are you fricken kidding me , Julian had thought . Julian ran his hand over the smooth cool of his own bent wood chair - so simple and perfect in design . Julian was waiting at the gate holding a loose bouquet of blue lace cap hydrangeas and white delphinium . She spotted him leaning against a pillar , cell phone wedged between his ear and shoulder . " Miranda , " he mouthed nodding and eyeing the phone . Ah , Miranda , little baby girl , that they all fussed and cooed over like some rare species of exotic bird - who was what - now sixteen ? The only child of Julian 's brief marriage to some Persian queen . " She 's in for the wedding , well for the shopping too , maybe the whole summer . Things with her mother are rough right now . Who knew - that was still up in the air . It was a real illness this time , no postpartum nada - cells splitting wildly . We have to talk about that , " Julian said . Well , her aunt certainly provided her with ample wedding and shopping opportunities . What was this for Cleo now , wedding number three , maybe four - did Inez miss one ? Had she married that Brazilian or did they just run a ranch together in some backwater place in the Amazon ? Julian - his face now edged in the silver of a close trimmed beard - the years just revealed more perfect bone structure . He reached out fondly , warmly and kissed her cheek . At the shop Inez sat on a tufted teal ottoman as Elly and Julian surveyed and gathered arms full of possibilities and things to enhance those possibilities . It seemed here that nothing stood on its own merit and there was nothing that the correct accessory could not shore up . There was a blue shawl as fine as gossamer - looked like it had been spun out directly from the underbelly of some large but benevolent insect - glossy iridescent sheen . Then a black jacket with grosgrain ribbon trim that was so perfect in the cut and cuffs . Inez imagined the clothes blooming on her like jungle flowers , a flock multi - colored birds aloft - a wild impressionist woman , barefoot and biting into exotic fruits . " A wedding , I am sure they will have a long happy life together . " Elly chimed as she put the clothes into a garment bag that signaled how very special and costly the shop was . Inez thought it a bit late for long life together and maybe for happy also . Inez has noted that so many people she knew could talk about their lives with all the polished surface of a fable . All her friends , and her friends ' friends placed themselves squarely in the center of everything that came their way . Improving whatever corner of the world they occupied . They sat not just dutifully , but with a real sense of commitment on committees to improve their children 's schools , their communities . Just convinced that somehow they made the world a better place , by just being there and doing the things that benefited them - their challenges were universally , primordially simple - the child that failed to form sentences or to make eye contact , the wife stealing small items from the drug store , the man that drove one hundred miles to expose himself in a public park . Not human failing , not frailty , never lapses in judgment , but rather some larger code like a moral tale - how was it that they were perpetually the ant and not the grasshopper ? Miranda , of course , was late meeting them at the restaurant and Inez thought she could have sat a bit longer on the ottoman . They were seated at a small table under old photographs of men 's sports teams - the crew team 1922 , the football team 1910 , baseball 1870 . Julian took the menu and ordered - limited and familiar . The restaurant was a mix of academic and business diners - all subdued and eating and speaking studiously . They sat hunched over plates if they were officiously completing a task while a supervisor observed with a stopwatch . No doubt about it , the atmosphere in Boston was different - the air and mood not as fraught and complex . The cobbled streets of the neighborhood seemed indifferent - the winds were gentle , not tainted with the scent of burring flesh and cinders - dust was dust , not human remains . In the few brief blocks from the shop she noticed the darker skinned residents were all but absent . Holed up behind heavy oaken doors in the ivy towers , she thought , in fear of fellowships disappearing , thanking gods that they were not driving cabs in Manhattan . The few academic types in haute couture she saw did not seem to wear the same countenance of fear and shame as they had to adopt in New York to just get from point A to point B . In New York their new country had turned on them like an abused dog growls and snaps back at a benevolent owner . Part of the year the city had put on a happy face - a bright yellow smiley face as creepy as a harlequin or weeping clown paintings - a " nothing is going to stop New York " kind of stance - yet every time she rode the subway she could not help thinking gas attack , bomb , something . The papers made hash of the situation every morning - words were flying - justice , enemy , freedom . What did those men feel when they boarded the plane ? They were after the all the most elite and privileged of their countries . Did they also taste injustice bitter in their mouths , where did it come from ? Were words flying in their countries also ? Did their mother tongue swell with hurt and rage ? Does a sense of entitlement gone haywire burn with the same indignation reserved for oppression ? These questions confused Inez because on a very fundamental level she could not always make out the difference between us and them . The slender waiter in a white waist apron brought out a pretty glass pitcher of water with lemon slices and then placed a basket of bread and a white ramekin with butter . When Miranda arrived she looked like she has been caught in a sudden rain shower , the ends of her hair wet and limp , her bangs plastered to one side of her forehead . She had on the heavy " look at me " eyeliner that girls her age start with until they get tired and realize that getting looked at was not really what they had wanted or expected . Almost every finger flashes a ring . She collapsed into a chair , pulled out a phone and started to text . " Oh I am so hungry , " she said , eyeing Julian 's salad . " Here take this , " he said and pushed his salad in front of her Julian raised his glass of water and tipped his head graciously in Miranda 's direction . " Here 's to a great summer , a good tan , and the SAT prep class I signed you up for . " For an instant she looked crestfallen but then her eyes flickered with indignation . " Does this make you feel like a parent or something ? I mean , why do have to try to ruin my summer ? " Miranda pushed the plate to the side and leaned into the table with both elbows . Inez touched her arm . Miranda turned to Inez and gave her a withering look " I need shoes . " She said flatly . Julian looked down at her feet and again he saw the same hard candy red coating that was her lips . True enough , the child was there in a pair of flat straw sandals . Inez forced a thin smile . How could Miranda be expected to know , that in some parts of the world girls this age at the very moment were screaming with labor pains , or carrying on their heads jugs of water back from the river to the red - earthed village ? Not possible . This girl sitting , just sitting next to her father ; was somehow under the table rubbing the world against her thigh . Twenty five years ago light poured through the leaded glass panes of the patrician tower , collected in pools around them and reflected back off the polished stone floors , their radiance , their blessing , potential , and of course money . How they seemed to float just inches above marble floors , holding sweating glasses of wine - chalices really . Nobody bothered to notice , or were too polite to say that in contrast Inez ground her way , flint to stone , through college and then graduate school , as grim as Jane Eyre at Lockwood . She worked hard , unencumbered by the curses of imagination , talent or family money . She borrowed their light briefly . And what did she see illuminated ? Her own plainness , as plain as freckles on the fat girls ' arms . Then the light was gone , the music silent , the room empty . What remained ? That constant nagging feeling of her parents ' immigration in her stomach - heavy , like cabbage and root vegetables . Her father locking the chain link fence behind him as he closed his salvage yards as she watched for the sidewalk . The feral cats that would scatter nightly when he closed the lid on the dumpster . Her parents were unwashed field potatoes . Oh , how Tante Raizel had pleaded their case - family lore had it that she , already in America for a few years , practically an American , went from office to office pleading , begging and flirting when necessary for their rescue . She sought out the Red Cross , the Jewish agency , every congressman she could corner . Years later , they lacked the warm deep golden polish of having been in America for generations . How had they repaid her ? Scorpions , they stung Tante Raizel by never accepting their adopted homeland . They huddled in Brooklyn like they were hunkered down in a bunker waiting for the occupying troops to leave the city . When she died in New Jersey , the whole aging community of Yiddishist Bolsheviks mourned - the funeral was a pageant of old men with violins . After the cemetery her father loaded the borrowed station wagon with all the art from her house , ( tak [ Please check back tomorrow for part three of this five - part story ] Sorry for barging in on the middle of B . N . 's great story , but I did want to take a moment to note that poet / artist Jessica Fox - Wilson has written a wonderful review of my book , The Spring Ghazals on her blog , everything feeds process . You can read her review , for which I 'm truly grateful , right here . Ms . Fox - Wilson 's blog is always worth reading - I subscribe & look forward to new posts , which can be anything from poetry to insightful discussions on the creative process to photos taken during a commuter bus ride . Jessica Fox - Wilson is currently working on her own poetry manuscript , which she intends to publish in the near future . When she does , I assure you it will be reviewed here ! You also can read some of Jessica 's poetry on our own satellite blog , Writers Talk , right here ; you also can read her interview at this link . Thanks so much , Jessica ! & by the bye : to those of you who doubt Twitter - this review & much of the book 's publicity wouldn 't have happened without it . Posted by Voices rolled over the vast white and glass terminal , pinged into columns and were then cut short by utilitarian architecture and human bulk , boarding calls , squalling infants , announcements and safety instructions . From where she was standing next to a magazine rack Inez watched shows of easy emotions - oh my god I am so glad to see you - kind gestures of reaching down to lift another 's bags . As she moved deeper into the terminal past the gift and souvenir shops stocked with mugs and tee shirts what she saw were whole fat families in shorts and T - shirts , boisterous , mean - spirited and spiteful towards each other , slouching in flip - flops and shorts . How worn down everything felt , everyone looked . That whole autumn and well into winter , she feared every cloud would let loose an acid rain that could melt bone . Images kept popping up like a jack in the box . . . the monkey thought it all was in fun - . Just when the merry music called you closer , lulled you : Boom . Suddenly somewhere the herd startled , changed direction and stampeded the fields where the women and their children tended the crop of sorghum . Upriver the villagers had taken sick - mysterious fevers that turn innards to gore soup . Someplace at every moment great suffering was occurring - horrible injustice fanned out like a deck of cards . She remembered her own mother 's moods and how she watched her face as she pushed back the images of jackbooted thugs goose - stepping in the town square ; how she feared it would no doubt in time be right down 13th Avenue . " Mom , it is America " she would tell her . " All that was a long time ago , we are so safe that we 're bored stupid . " She knew her mother fought back the specters with small realities of meat on sale , upcoming weddings . Like a machete cutting back the jungle undergrowth , she wielded an imaginary blade and whacked back the python of her moods of their past . Don 't even ask the question . What was the future ? Snarling hellhounds moving in packs at the edge of the city . Each day the newspapers and the military experts on television assured the jittery public that guilty parties would be found . The axis of evil was pushpins in maps . Reports said he had been sighted on a mountain trail ; the best intelligence said he was holding up in a cave - dangerous mysterious terrain . He was a shape - shifter - video images were authenticated or dismissed - sinister forces at work with daggers , or box cutters . Detention centers were set up . Weapons grade plutonium moved by pack mule over borders that only existed on maps . Land mines were disguised as children 's toys . Yes , lately the whole mood of things was different . Every time she left her apartment , she told herself , just a run to the corner market - 2 peaches a croissant and home . Now , she repeats just a weekend , only a weekend . She slid into the molded plastic chair and waited for her boarding call . Her fellow passengers began to move downstream to collect at the gate . She clutched two forms of photo id , and she arrived four hours prior to scheduled departure . One of the first things she noticed was that a new breed of people had evolved and left the primordial broth . " Homeland Security " had recruited the entire population of the indifferent and the brutish to strip all the others down to their stocking feet , to confiscate , knitting needles from old ladies and plastic nunchucks from small children . She watched people trudge doggedly toward the boarding gate door , heavy with an invisible burden , some talking into cell phones or wearing headphones - Airline representatives on cue moved in from behind counters with walkie - talkies . She was still trying to gather her things back into her purse from the final security check . It had all felt like a gust of wind and she was bits of paper that went flying . Just last week she drove past what the future was supposed to be - the 1964 World 's Fair Globe - one world - futuristic , easyThat first week she went with Mrs . Mermelstien to a Shiva house - the pile still burning . Those on the upper floors above the impact used their cell phones to call out . The few Orthodox men working that day in the towers called the Rabbi in Brooklyn , the main possek - he answered the most difficult questions concerning the laws of life and death . How had they formed the question - did they even need to speak the words ? " Jump , " the Rabbi said , what else did he say to them ? Well , he never spoke about those final conversations . They called their wives - those last details - where she could find the keys to the safety deposit box , the ethical will for the children . The whole winter was bitter and complicated . People were sifting through toxic ash looking for bits of bone and teeth . Spring brought a little relief . A few weeks ago , when Julian had called , he had to leave a message . When she called him back the person that answered the phone said he was " out on the Island " for the weekend . It was not until the middle of the week that she actually spoke to him . At which point she was already worn thin , and after the train home from teaching her class ; looking at her small white cartons of oily Chinese take out , she was sure she had no past and certainly no future . But then his voice - a warm velvet curtain of invitation . Did she leap up at the chance ? No , she imagined graceful back flips of her body agile , supple . " Sure I 'd love to , " she said . She was so absorbed in the possibility of stepping out of own life even briefly that it hardly registered that Julian 's sister Cleo was getting married again . All Inez felt was the world once again had potential and would welcome her , if not with roaring cheers then with polite applause . The passage of decades was erased . In graduate school when they were all still living in the area , Julian used to coax her out of her dreary basement apartment , the card table buried under a half finished , thesis on - what was it ? Folk - tales , Gypsy melodies , Child Ballads . She drank frothy cups of cappuccino , ate flan with just a hint of amaretto - here kitty , kitty , come sweet pussycat , and she would stretch and rub against him . Did she purr ? God she hoped not . Now it was so nice of him to invite her and of course it was all right if he brought a guest - his sister 's wedding , okay not his sister 's first time to the fair . Last summer she felt finally , after ten years a life about to begin she and Nathan were looking for a house together . Not too late . She imagined strollers . Then he came home from a weeklong conference in Scotland , bitter and distant and covered with a strange rash . " Did your paper not go well , " she asked ? " Maybe youAlmost a year after Nathan decamped Julian called her out of the blue . He was in New York on some business and he wanted to " do " lunch . When she first told Julian that Nathan had left to move in with a 24 - year - old , Julian reached over and touched the top of her hand . It was after all Julian who introduced her to Nathan . She remembered , Julian said that Nathan seemed to want the same things in life as she did . Even that day having lunch in a place that Julian picked because of its reputation for Vietnamese noodles , she saw people gravitated toward Julian ; how many times was he given refills on a hardly sipped drink . Okay , she was teary and ragged , relating the whole story , and not looking like anyone to just strike up a conversation with , but was she invisible ? Over the years she had heard that professionally , he was sought after . His intuition and knowledge on art and artifacts mattered , his keen eye had in fact made him almost rich , which he was to start with ; but he did not lose any ground . Her own vision had gone blurry after Nathan left , maybe it had been dimming slowly all along . She had the mind numbing relentless repetition , work getting home to the shoebox apartment that was " only temporary " what was that , twenty years ago ? She could not even sum it up any more . And nobody ever asked her to . Food tasted like ash , colors drained out of objects . Exchanges became fraught , defensive . Was this age ? Was Nathan the final blow ? Her life , a dowager 's hump - weekends at home watching old movies . With friends and colleagues there were still parties , but they grew increasingly more infrequent and more detailed , everything stood for something else - orchid centerpieces , and complex seating arrangements - things needed to addressed , redressed , divorces , affairs , plain old bad feelings . She thought she would have it too in her hand . It no longer seemed to matter how graciously she had pressed through the period of baby showers and then Bar Mitzvahs , graduation parties . In place of the smoky illicit parties oInez bought three magazines at the kiosk , breath mints , and a granola bar - she did not know if they even gave peanuts anymore on short flights . She wondered whether or not these would be taken from her at the final security . Her fellow travelers began to collect at the boarding door . For the most part they seemed ill - tempered , frazzled , a man in a navy blue business suit and a red tie sticking out from a side pocket elbowed his way to the front of the snaking line , a baby in an outfit with a large yellow sunflower bawled and sweated in his mothers arms . Why hadn 't she taken the train ? B . N . Please check out tomorrow 's post at The Days of Wine & Roses ; it 's the final poem in the Heaven sequence ( " Heaven # 6 ) , & is the penultimate poem in the collection . Counting tomorrow , there will only 3 more posts on The Days of Wine & Roses before the blog is retired . More poetry ? Be sure to check in on The Spring Ghazals ! There will be a new post there within the next day or so , & at least one more during the course of the week . There won 't be a Monday post on Alcools . The next translation isn 't completed yet . & tomorrow on Robert Frost 's Banjo ? We begin B . N . 's story All Knees Shall Bend And Every Tongue Shall Vow . This story is about 911 , & about privilege . It 's a powerhouse , & while B . N . & I don 't agree about some of the points - of - view that come up during the narrative , I give it a high recommendation as a piece of fiction . The story is divided into five parts , & it will be posted serially , Sunday thru Thursday . Posted by Observant fans of Homegrown Radio may have noticed that I mistakenly included this week 's song in last week 's embedded playlist . Sorry about that ! Now that it 's the official new song of the week , let 's hear what Joel Murach has to say about " And the World Was On Fire : " It was a scorching hot summer and there were wildfires burning everywhere in California . I was driving from Fresno to Santa Cruz . I was in the middle of the worst breakup of my life . To top it all off , I rented a documentary about 9 / 11 that Earl Butter recommended to me . It was devastating . And it all blended together into this song . I started by recording a voice and a guitar , but it didn 't sound so great , so I added more guitars and voices . I hope it sounds better now . I will probably keep working on it because I think this song is worth it . I am so happy to introduce today 's Writers Talk interviewee , my dear friend L . E . Leone . & I 'm especially happy to introduce her , because it appeared for awhile that it wouldn 't happen - I thought I had misplaced L . E . & her ukulele , not to mention her interview responses , somewhere in the California wilderness . She herself , as is so often the case , didn 't realize she 'd been misplaced . Any hoot : L . E . Leone , in addition to being my very good friend & one of the regular contributors on the Robert Frost Banjo blog , is a successful writer & musician . She has published two volumes of short stories : The Meaning of Lunch & Big Bend , as well as a collection of restaurant reviews titled Eat This , San Francisco . L . E . is also the regular Cheap Eats restaurant reviewer for the weekly San Francisco Bay Guardian . Musically , she was a founding member of the band Ed 's Redeeming Qualities , & has also performed with the Buckets & Lipsey Mountain Spring Band . L . E . currently has a solo music thing going under her nom de guerre of Sister Exister . You can check out her album Scratch on CDBaby here . You can also check out her poem , " Licking Knives " , on the Writers Talk blog . I should perhaps point out that the poem is " NFSW . " Most importantly to me , L . E . has been a tried & true friend since the early 90s . She has always been supportive of my creative endeavors , be they writerly or musical - & I must say , whatever musical endeavors I have these days were greatly inspired by L . E . 's own serious " can do " musical attitude . & so : here 's L . E . ! I think I was six . I was walking on the playground behind Immaculate Conception school in Youngstown , Ohio , looking at my little shoes moving across the asphalt , hearing grasshoppers jumping in the dry weeds around the perimeter , and thinking that in spite of all evidence to the contrary , I was Agent 99 from Get Smart . It was my first exercise in point - of - view , and as soon as I realized that I was one ( a point of view ) , and that that was about all I was … it was over . Around maybe fourth grade I started making poems , which I self - published on scraps of paper and passed to the kid I had a crush on . He passed them to his cousin , and they made the rounds . And I made my reputation - which I still have - as a kind - of literary clown . These poems were usually two simple , rhyming lines about something predictable ( such as snow or tree frogs ) designed to lull my little classmates into a stupor , and then a third line which - by design - had nothing to do with anything ( such as Miles Standish ) . The goal was to get them to laugh out loud in the classroom . Really , I 'm still doing almost exactly that . My short story " Spinach , " for example , started with a line from a song that a friend of mine wrote : " I have a photo / from the first day we met / it helps me remember / but I usually forget / I keep it in my shoe / in case I get lost " … Six lines , I guess , which I thought were brilliant , and which sprung me into one of the longest stories I ever told . For no good reason , really , I told it in a kind of a made - up dialect . Something southern - ish . And I set it in Alma , Arkansas , and Tucson , Arizona , really because those were two of the places I had just played on tour with my old band , and they kind of stuck in my head . Because the shows went pretty well , or something . So happens , there was also a point , during that tour , where I got in a huge fight with one of my bandmates while we were driving through the Sonoran desert , and I fantasized about leaving him behind when he got out of the car . The story " Spinach " has nothing to do , really , with any of these things . Yet they 're all there , in the story . It 's a twisted , three - way love story that 's sad and funny . After that tour , my bandmates , with whom I lived , dispersed for the holidays , and I stayed behind in San Francisco and stayed up late , and wrote , and wrote and wrote . A couple of editors at the Paris Review really helped and encouraged me with the dialect . I remember them saying : " Go all the way . Take it to an extreme . Really get inside of this character . " And I did , through several rewrites , until it eventually worked . I came to love the way that particular narrator spoke , so much so that I have adopted some of his made up words and malaprops for my own . Years later , when the story was published in my book , another editor , my friend Mike DeCapite , had the bright idea of adding a couple of wigs onto this desert - days shopping list , and now that is my favorite thing about the story . I laugh every time I think of it , and it wasn 't even my idea , or words . I do well with deadlines . Stop laughing , John . Really , though , I wrote a regular column for my high school paper . I was the editor of my college paper , and had to crank out editorials twice a week . And ever since graduate school , where I focused on fiction - writing , I have had to produce a weekly column under deadline pressure . I love being in a newspaper , because people read it . It 's local , immediate , and in my experience butters more bagels than books do . But really the bottom line is that more people read newspapers than books . Right ? I might be wrong , and in any case it is of course changing . I 'm told print media will all but disappear . It 's been pretty good to me , but I 'm not going to dig in my heels . Wherever people are reading what they read , that 's where I 'll go because that 's what it 's about for me : my words , and your eyeballs . Or ears . I have loved writing ( and recording ) for this blog . It gives me a deadline ( which I missed this week , that 's why John was laughing ) … and a voice . The truth is , I don 't eat a lot of bagels . That 's a really good question . I can tell because I don 't have any idea how to answer it . I have fucked up and lost friends because of something I wrote . It hasn 't happened often , but it has and I hate that and would love a do - over . My weekly column is tricky because I write about my life , and my life includes - in fact , features - my relationships . Most of my friends seem to get a kick out of being in my column , even though I use nicknames and often make things up about them , say they said things they didn 't say , and in some cases tease them . One of my closest friends , and perhaps my favorite person to write about , has put a restraining order on me , writingwise . But I sneak things in , like this , because I love to say her name : Crawdad de la Cooter . On the other hand my writing is what gives me confidence in myself , and therefore ( I assume ) makes me at all attractive . It is how I flirt . I don 't mean in love letters . I mean in restaurant reviews - and , to a lesser degree , in short stories , songs , and poetry . So another way of looking at it is : If I weren 't a writer I would never have had any romantic relationships … to be negatively affected by the fact that I am a writer . I would describe my community of writers as Nancy Krygowski . She 's one of my oldest , dearest friends , and a great poet from Pittsburgh , PA . Every Friday , before the end of the day , her time , she has to send me a new poem , or else . And in return , by the end of my work week ( which is three hour later , ha ha ) I have to send her three pages of fiction . In this way , we force each other to produce . It 's a great arrangement , because I love Nancy , and absolutely adore her poetry , so when I crank out my three pages , I feel I am earning something way more precious than paychecks , or even accolades : I am earning the existence of one more poem of hers in this underpoetic world . So my inspiration to write , these days , comes from my desire for someone else to write . And this is working , for both of us . I 'm glad you asked . Because , for the first time since fourth grade , I have one . I have a goal ! What I want to do is change the world . How ? By doing something no one has ever done , to my knowledge : writing a series of stories , each with at least one positive male character who is competent , kind , cool as hell , lucky as fuck , on fire , and ( it so happens ) in love - madly , openly , and entirely coincidentally - with a transgender woman . Do you see why this is vital ? The biggest social , political , or for that matter socio - political issue of our time , as far as I can make out , is that not a lot of people want to go out with trans women , and those that do , tend to be secretive about it , and ashamed . I would like to do something about this . Speaking of which , & as illustration of the titular " more , " check this out : tomorrow on Robert Frost 's Banjo : a Writers Talk interview with our own regular contributor & fan favorite , L . E . Leone ! In addition to her interview , L . E . will also have a new poem for us tomorrow on the Writers Talk blog . But there 's more : regular contributor , B . N . - who is now officially in the market for a different nom de plume - will have a 5 - part story running in this space Sunday thru Thursday of next week . The story is titled All Knees Shall Bend And Every Tongue Shall Vow , & it 's a powerhouse . To accommodate the story , the Photo of the Week feature will move to Saturday . Ghazals ? Yes , folks , The Spring Ghazals is on Lulu . com & is awaiting all you kind potential buyers ! Is it ill - advised to self - publish a book of poetry during an " economic crisis ? " Perhaps , but there you have it - the book is published . I can honestly say that The Spring Ghazals is a good book , one that I 'm proud to have written , & one that stands up to comparison to other books of contemporary poetry , whether self - published or not . I also can honestly say that I 'm not a natural marketer or self - promoter . If I were those things , it 's safe to say my life experiences would have been quite different . But having said that , I do hope you 'll consider purchasing the book , & that in addition , you 'd consider writing a review on your blogs & / or giving yours truly a " writerly " interview . These things would be much appreciated & would I believe win you much good karma in the long run . Speaking of poetry ( & more ) : how about The Poetry Bus ? I have my copy , I 'm happy to say , & it 's wonderful . Lots of good writing in this issue , & yours truly has a poem in there ( page 32 ! ) Banjos : Well , Eberle & I had a music show on Friday . First , let me say that Eberle played great . In retrospect , I wish she 'd played on more songs . Yours truly ? Well , my guitar playing was fine - I felt a bit off , I think largely due to a small turn - out , but I do have a margin on the guitar . But the feedback I 've gotten so far is that there was just too much intense blues stuff & that my singing style ( at least my delta blues singing style ) is too " talky " for a full - length stage show . This feedback has been the source of much soul - searching over the past few days . Right now , I 'm leaning toward spending the winter working on some instrumental material , both on the guitar & on the banjo - so for a bit at least , future Monday Morning Blues segments may be instrumentals . I 'm also considering expanding my repertoire to involve what 's typically referred to as " old - timey " music these days . Can I mix " I Wish I was a Mole in the Ground " with " Banty Rooster Blues " or " Gonna Wear That Starry Crown " with " Levee Camp Moan ? " We shall see ! On the first of the week , the publisher of this paper received a personal letter from Dr . R . T . Whiteman , who enlisted in the service early last year and is now in charge of a field hospital on the French front . The letter is characteristic of the big , good - natured " Doc " and contains many things of interest . Although the regulations forbid an officer to write for publication , a fact to which Dr . Whiteman has called our attention , we assume that to quote portions of the letter is permissible . This we do on our own responsibility and without permission from the writer . Among other things he says : " You will no doubt understand from previous experience that information on the very matters that will interest you most is strictly " taboo , " so I will have to keep within the stipulated limitations . We have seen lots of territory , and our experiences have been many and varied - some pleasant , some otherwise ; but most of them new and therefore interesting and of such nature as to be beneficial in more ways than one . These experiences have enabled us to get the other fellow 's , the Frenchman 's , viewpoint more completely than would otherwise be possible . " As for our impressions of France and its people , I cannot say enough in its favor . It is a beautiful county , much like parts of Idaho , and the people have exerted themselves at every opportunity to make life pleasant for us - nothing is too good for the American boys , and the sole aim of the French as well ourselves is to win the war . Their economy and the completeness with which everything is utilized has taught us lessons that will go far toward making an impression when we get back home . " We are all impressed with the natural politeness and gentle manners of the French people . This applies even among the commonest of them . Their natural courtesy is quite striking and we have been made to realize that in our ordinary life at home we have been negligent in the little courtesies that are observed here as a matter of habit . After becoming acquainted with these kindly , home - loving French people it is also easy for one to understand how it is they have fought so courageously to protect their homes from invasion by the Hun . " Several of our boys are getting clippings from their home papers , which , I must say , are a source of more or less irritation . The subject of such clippings seems to be an arraignment of the American soldier abroad and , according to these papers , drunkenness , venereal diseases and debauchery in every form is about to prove the ruination of the U . S . Army . Since these assertions are very unfair to our army as a whole it is but fair that I mention in a general way that - as a doctor who is in a position to know these things - during my entire stay in France , in constant contact with large bodies of men , my observation has been that these evils are NOT as MUCH in evidence HERE as they were in camps of similar character at home and it is not too much to say that the American boy is SAFER right HERE than he is under similar circumstance in his own country . I do not infer that with our boys all is perfection , but they are a fine , manly lot and that criticism comes with poor grace from people at home , some of whom lack the backbone required to " get into the game " , but who are extremely solicitous and critical on the sidelines - far removed from danger . " Well , Mr . Mike , you are no doubt wondering as to the outcome , etc . , and we can dispose of that in few words by saying that we are not READY to come home yet , and by saying that we do not like the idea of the folks at home talking about it so much . ACTION and PEACE talk will not mix , Mike , and any time taken up with peace prattle is time taken from the business at hand . " October 4 , 1918 COLLECTING LINEN FOR SOLDIERS THIS WEEK In accordance with instructions from Red Cross Headquarters , this week has been set apart as " Linen Shower Week " throughout America . Word from the Allied battle front states that hospitals are in urgent need of millions of bath towels , sheets , and other similar material . Instead of purchasing these products through commercial channels , which would necessitate delay , it has been planned to ask each family to contribute one article or a set of articles of household linen form their reserve stock . Those in charge of the work say that the allotment for the Adams county chapter is not large and should be filled without difficulty . The call for this chapter is as follows : We are requested to again call attention to the fact that the Government asks that all fruit pits - peach , plum , apricots , etc . , be saved . That pits are old will not interfere with their value . They may be left at the Criss store . Feeding wheat to livestock has been prohibited by the U . S . Food Administration for a year or more , but now , in view of the big 1918 wheat crop in the country , farmers may feed wheat to livestock under certain conditions . The food administration ruling recites that no wheat within hauling distance of market may be used for feeding , except on permit issued by the county food administrator . To obtain the permit , the man who wishes to feed the wheat to livestock must submit to the county food administrator a 2 - pound sample of the grain in a cloth bag , and state the number of bushels needed for feeding , and to what animals it will be fed . If the wheat grades less than No . 3 , a feeding permit may be issued . No bread is to be served until after the first course is on the table , and no bread or toast may be served as a garniture . Bacon is also barred as a garniture , and only one meat may be served to one person at a meal . " Double " cream is banned . No sugar bowls will be allowed on the tables ; a teaspoonful is the limit for a meal , and then only when asked for . No waste food may be burned , but all must be saved to feed animals or reduced to obtain fat . All original text , music & pictures are licensed under a Creative Commons license . Please feel free to use them ( not for profit ) as long as you acknowledge the source & make them available under similar " share - alike " terms . This includes all works by John Hayes , Eberle Umbach ( including original works by The Alice in Wonder Band , Five & Dime Jazz & The Bijou Orchestrette ) , Audrey Bilger , Brittany Newmark , L . E . Leone , Barbie Dockstader Angell , Nancy Krygowski , Carmen Leone , Mairi Graham - Shaw , AK Barkley , John Hayes , Sr . , Sheila Graham - Smith & any other original work as may appear here down the line ( we 're hoping ! )
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More poetry ? Be sure to check in on The Spring Ghazals ! There have been some exciting new posts there recently , including one about another book review which you can read here on the Soulless Machine blog - big thanks to writer Aaron Wilson ! There won 't be a Monday post on Alcools . The next translation isn 't completed yet ( again ) . Wow , October really is zooming past us ! Here we are with the final Homegrown Radio segment for the month , which also means it 's the last installment from Joel Murach . Joel sure has done a fine job by Homegrown Radio this month . But not to worry : the series will return in November with Bernie Jungle , who is perhaps the best guitar player it 's my pleasure to know - also a very good songwriter , singer & a truly good guy . Bernie has performed not only as a soloist , but also in bands such as Warm Wires , Thunderbleed & the Great Auk - the latter , a duo with Carrie Bradley , is one of my all - time favorite bands . But before we get too far ahead of ourselves , let 's hear what Joel has to say about " Ghost in the river , " this week 's song : First , thanks to John for having me here at Homegrown Radio . And thanks to everyone who commented on the songs . It has been a lot of fun for me to be here . I first thought of this song , " Ghost in the river " , when I was camping out by a river . I had awoken in the middle of the night , and as I stood outside my tent in the moonlight , there was a fine white mist coming off the river . To me , it looked like a ghost . And it got me to thinking about ghosts and rivers . . . two recurring themes in my songwriting . A couple years later , I wrote this song , which combines those two themes . For those musicologists out there , this song is in 5 / 4 , which is a time signature that isn 't used much these days . I hope you like it ! Thank you Joel for bringing such quality offerings to the Homegrown Radio table ! & don 't forget , folks : you can purchase Joel 's cds on his website here . Enjoy the song . Inez stood for an instant in the kitchen door , dressed only in Julian 's black silk robe . Claude was already up drinking coffee and there was someone named Patrick involved in preparing a very elaborate - something . " Nutmeg ? " he said cheerfully over his shoulder . " In the cabinet over the stove . " Claude said not looking up from the paper . Claude cleared a place for Inez . " He believes breakfast is the most important meal of the day , " Claude said to Inez . " It is . " Patrick responded brightly , as he spun around cradling a bowl while whisking away the contents . He looked just like Tin Tin in the cartoon . Claude had moved into middle age somewhat gracefully she thought - perhaps not as gracefully as Julian but he seemed less strident , calmer . For years he had often struck her as facile and easily stirred - reading some new pop psych idea and applying it all over the room - the chairs , the door , the sink - everything would have a ridiculous reason something he read and just applied freely - this was honest , that was not - Robert Bly - beating a drum , half naked , or buck , inner children , howling men , sweat lodges , howling at the moon , nursing old wounds - facile - as useless as applying a band aid to the spurting jagged stump of the torn off limb . The question that pushed to the front of Inez ' mind was why was he still here , living in the back of the house . But by all rights why not ask her why she was still in Flatbush , living over Mrs . Mermelstein . At the exact moment Inez poured her mug full of coffee , Patrick started listing all the violations he had endured ; immediately it was proving to be very tedious . With singsong authority he was explaining his issues in the work place ; Inez doubted he had the need to work , or even a particular aptitude for anything . He may well have been merely showing up everyday to attend to the issues . The right to marry whom he chose , which Inez thought a remote possibility given what she was seeing - but she was not a morning person . He talked with strain , like he was pitching words over a fence . Long story short , he struggled , at a summer camp in the Berkshires and again at boarding school in Vermont . " It was painful very painful . " Oh God , Inez thought . Where 's Patrick , weren 't you watching him ? Was the gate up ? He just toddled out to stand out in the wide dangerous world - a four - lane highway . Had he never even seen a photograph of let 's say Babi Yar , Rwanda ? Did he not also jump out of his skin when a jet passed overhead ? Her head was shot through with painful hoofs stamping - wild beasts . He looked at Inez for a response - which she had none , save to turn to Claude . " Tylenol ? " she said flatly . " Hall medicine cabinet . I 'll get it , " he said . Patrick kept talking . Enough , she thought , please , little one - shut the fuck up . Had she just said that , or just thought it . She was not sure . She looked at him to try to read a response - his eyes radiated the self - importance of a nocturnal creature that had just stepped into the night and had the whole jungle to himself - aroused glandular eyes - black and gold - shining . He 's high . Inez thought . She gulped the pills , chasing them with coffee . As they were standing side by side next to the kitchen counter Inez could not help but assess the age difference between Patrick and Claude . It was vast , decades . It made her feel grim and sad . In the never ending conversation that her mother had about this country , the city , and all the flaws of the American people , the goyim mostly , the neighbors sometimes , she had once turned to Inez when they were out walking and a man who had been feeding pigeons approached them . At that moment as he passed them on the sidewalk her mother added an item to the list : In America nobody seemed to notice that there was nothing in this life sadder than an old faygale . Her mother always used age as the great equalizer . Actually , Inez could think of a few things but for the first time in her life Inez had reason to recall the statement . " So where 's Julian already ? " Patrick asked smoothing the pocket of his light green pants . " Breakfast is done and I need to be pushing off . Tell him I left the shirt in the closet - it didn 't work for me . I 'll call him - have fun , gotta give her credit she keeps trying . " When the door closed behind him , Claude turned to Inez and said , " You can tell Julian the coast is clear he can come out now . I am sorry . I better go check on Miranda . " He made " the reefer " sign with his fingers to his lips . Ya ya sistas & bros - made it to Dad 's . Bored crazy . Aunt 's wedding - love my dress , shows da girls in their best light - ha ha . Gotta find something / somebody to do here . Hpe there are gr8 guys at the wedding - for real She hit send . The machine made a whoosh sound . Claude knocked at the door holding a sleeve of cookies two paper cups and a jug of milk . He sat at the bottom of the unmade bed . " Cookies for Breakfast ? " Miranda flopped back against the bed . " They 're your favorite , " he says twinkling a cookie between his fingers . She felt for an instant outside herself - like she was outside her window and not actually in the room . She noticed she gets this feeling whenever she smokes that stuff that Emily bought from that guy on West 86th . It made her watch herself at a distance . Then , she feels like she is in an old TV sitcom , canned laughter , applause - Claude wanted her to just start pouring her heart out and then they 'll hug . Yup the whole tedious story right there on the tip of her tongue - like her mother wasn 't on the phone to her father , like her father just happened to forget to tell Claude - Miranda here forever . Mom is getting treatments so she may not die . She burst out laughing - " where 's the remote . " Laughter filled the room - like fistfuls of gold confetti . The wedding was in the gardens of a former estate , a gray stone mansion up on a hill that overlooked the water . Julian walked Cleo down the aisles . At the reception the settings were ludicrous when they only meant to be witty . There was a long white tent stretched out on a lush green lawn . The reception felt subdued and dreamy - women gliding by with pastel pink and green drinks . Handsome waiters bearing trays of champagne . The tablecloths were trimmed in gold trim to match the guests . Miranda bounced and skipped on the sweeping lawn next to the elegant white tent . She was holding a glass of champagne and laughing a loud dirty laugh . Each time Inez looked she was gripping her father 's elbow and then reaching for a greedy grab at trays as they passed . When Inez stood next to them , Miranda leaned over and hugged Inez across the chest and placed her hard candy mouth right next to Inez 's ear . Inside the tent Julian sipped the wine and watched dust sparkle in a diminishing patch of sunlight on the lawn . Maybe it was the wine . These small sips gave him time to reflect - sometimes he could catch a glimpse of himself , as he was , as he thought he was - either way they were nothing like who he had expected to become - all the photographs in his mind - untaken . Great art and artifacts had passed through his hands . Relics surely people had died for and some that had rescued others . Once he held in his hand a tiny Ruben , its sale saved a whole Jewish Family . Another time , he found behind the frame of minor Flemish painter a stash of letters - yes , lives were lived in his " transactions " He was older this night , last week and a year ago , than his father had been when he died . What had this age given him anyway ? Not new worlds - Not love , even that was a bawdy , freakish parade float of money or politics . He refilled the glass and his thoughts loosened a bit more - what we believe today we may not believe tomorrow or the day after . Surely , somewhere , he thought someone is on the brink of a very large truth , a new reality . In the back of the imposing gray Mansion there was a large bluestone terrace looking out over the water . Inez rounded a corner and went through an archway of pink fairy roses , a bower with the last bits of daylight breaking through . It stretched like a hallway and lush flowers hung like strings of beads , bits of costume jewelry . " You 're all up in the Kool - Aid and don 't even know the flavor . Don 't think my father is going to sleep with you . You 're not his type . " That 's what she said , leaking irony from both corners of her red mouth . All the coarse bravado , the carnal insight slashed Inez across her face like a straight razor . Yet in this moment there were still the tender night noises , and the vista . Actually the view was maybe the most beautiful thing she had ever seen . The water so wide and dark , she knows she can 't cross over . The boats , sails waving like the banners of ancient tribes . Inez loosened her shoes and freed her feet to rub her toes out and hung the green silk scarf over the back of a chair . She waited , for the sea change , a hundred little crayon colored sailboats drifting past . How the boys gravitated toward her now , held in that orbit . Would there be many or few ? Who could know ? Which would stay , if any ? Poor girl , little mouse , will be all alone . Inez waited ; soon night would darken the world into an unrecognizable form . Tonight meteors , not planes streaking past would hiss and sputter as they hit the water . Happy Wednesday afternoon , everybody . I 'm once again intruding on B . N . 's story to bring you more news about my book , The Spring Ghazals . You can read my interview about the book right here on Jessica Fox - Wilson 's blog everything feeds process . Jessica has been so generous with her support of The Spring Ghazals , & I 'm very grateful for all her efforts . I know of one more review that 's slated to appear next week , but I do want to remind everybody that I 'd be happy to have more reviews or interviews . It 's not always easy trying to market a self - published book of poetry - actually , if you asked publishers , I think they might say the same for poetry that 's published traditionally - & it sure is great to have help in the process . You can hear a couple more of the ghazals in the ongoing virtual reading over on The Spring Ghazals blog - just follow this link . Also , I 'm happy to announce that you can get the book at a 15 % discount ( all absorbed by Lulu in case you 're curious ) from now thru November 15th - simply by entering coupon code LEAF305 when you checkout - you can read all the details here . Once again , The Spring Ghazals is available on Lulu right here . Now we return to our regularly scheduled programming … . The house was on tree lined well - tended quiet street in Cambridge . It was narrow and creamily quaint in the last moments of daylight . The wooded twin doors were huge , heavy . Inez blinked in the entranceway . On the table was a half a glass of ice tea with mostly melted ice - she looked around for the owner . A shirt was draped over a chair with a tie . There were fruit bowls the color of mercury - fluid shapes filled with bright citrus . There was a note on the side table under the gilt mirror - Call Adelstein back . Julian stood in the doorway of the bedroom and when Inez turned around he was unbuttoning his shirt . It wasn 't unexpected , hadn 't it been hoped for , in part why she came . With his finger her traced her collarbone and laid his head on her shoulder . She remembered her apartment , a day at the lake , in the stacks late at night in the library . His mother 's house ? " We were alone , nobody home , " Julian said . " Put on the dress , leave your underwear off , that dress is so lovely on you . " He sighed and said softly . Julian slides his hands over the dress and then under . " Lie back " he whispered . " Don 't forget you need to call Adelstein , " she said before they were too far along . Then he pulled her down to the bottom of the bed and positioned her legs on his shoulders . His forearms looked sculpted and elegant . She was grateful he wanted the dress , such a kindness for him to not expect her now after so long to stand or even lie naked . She must have drifted off to sleep . For an instant she could not remember where she was . The cocoon - like softness of unfamiliar sheets against her skin . She dreamt of the Rabbi , several in fact bearded in black hats and frock coats . They were shouting at her to jump . She was standing on a ledge with granite angels on either side of her . What had awakened her ? The fear of falling . Voices ? From where , the kitchen ? The hall outside her room ? " Just go if you said you were going . " She was sure she heard that . The voice was rubbery and bounced in her range of awareness . Like when she was a child tugged out of bed in the middle of the night holding the frayed end of her parents ' hushed voices behind the closed door . Out in the hall standing only in a robe she found hanging in the closet . " Does it mean anything ? Why ? You always do this . " " Can 't it wait ? " she heard Julian 's voice trail off . She heard the rush of tap water . " Patrick is going to be here any minute . " " So just go " She heard a door close at the front of the house . Inez went back into the room and sat on the bed and then quickly , blessedly fell back asleep . Again she was on a ledge of the very high building . So high that now she could see into the windows of planes as they flew past . She could see the confused terrified expressions on the passengers ' faces , mouthing words to her . She was trying to read their lips , but could not make out what they were saying . The granite angels were crying , tear stained , and a lone tiny Rabbi very far below was gesturing at her to jump . In the morning she awoke early to the sound of water moaning through the pipes . Julian stepped out into the hall wrapped in a towel and shook his mane like a lion emerging onto a riverbank . In the small guestroom Inez took the dress from the closet and held it against her body - letting it fall , just so against her shins . She closed her eyes , in gratitude , in prayer , in fear . After all these years there was still possibility . Julian had insisted , insisted that she get that dress . Light from the bay window was just starting to seep into the living room . She picked up a framed photograph from the piano . Julian and somebody blurry in sun glasses , the Taj Mahal in the background . " Oh India last Fall , that flesh color spot - Claude . Julian startled her - had he been sitting in the chair all night ? " What a nightmare , a hell hole , animals in the street , huge crowds , heat , smells , I got so uncomfortable that I just left the whole continent and went to sit in rainy Amsterdam to medicate and attend my stomach cramps with modern plumbing . Claude stuck it out - All that local color - he even went trekking . The Sherpa would have had to carry me to base camp and back . He clamed to have a good time . " Over the years Inez constructed Claude in her mind in several ways . Claude , poor old , good old , hope - against - hope Claude . He had been an adjunct since their first week of school freshman year . She remembered how he appeared in the dorm hallway holding an imported beer and wearing a mock colligate outfit - a blue and gold University sweat shirt , chinos , right down to the brown deck moccasins with no socks . How was it Claude ended up there , now it seemed he had always been there , or nearby , waiting in the hall , on the library steps , in front of restaurants ? - she had to force herself back to the chronology - there was law school at Columbia , then the opportunity at the Kennedy School , like his father and brother , also clerking for a judge - something had happened , was it a scandal or a heartbreak ? Then a job at firm in a high glass tower - paper in , paper out . Julian had the house , huge . Suddenly , the crazy Vera left him with baby Miranda , gone so fast there was not even a vapor trail . She recalled that in New York , nightly Claude would fold himself like an origami swan into the small jeweled , velvet lined lacquered box that was his apartment . " Move to Brooklyn " she would tell him . Brooklyn is the new Manhattan - No , he wanted to see himself reflected in the dilated pupils of so many men like himself . Then poof - Vera was gone - like a gate opened wide . He saw it as a sign - so mistaken , it was a sign - that Vera was very very unstable . No , he wasn 't crazy . At times Julian seemed responsive - sure there were women too of course but everybody had those , well almost everybody . Claude thought with time Julian would settle the matter and Claude would be the settlement . Oh god how absurd his imaginings must have been in retrospect , coupling , partnership , Julian - whatever it would have looked like or been called . How long did it take him to realize that Julian was , let 's say , limited in his partnership potential and abilities in human interaction ? Well , once he was there not that long , but longer than it should . Julian was content , more than content with a good fuck every so often but even those become sad , torn down often drunk exchanges . Oh the mornings , pure hell . What did she remember ? Claude had told her years ago that when he had called , Julian 's voice was etched with something dark - shock maybe . So earnestly Claude had said " I 'm worried " and with that took her into his confidence in her at a dinIn truth , Claude at twenty seven did not need to be offered twice - As far as she knew what Julian had said was , " Yes a large back room , just till you get your own place - I have room , 15 to be exact - know how to change a diaper . " Nothing ever happened - well of course some things happened sometimes but it never became the blossoming flower Claude had hoped for and neither did it crawl away to die . After time Claude was forced to think that maybe Julian was content to fill his clients lives with articles confiscated from people with inner lives . Maybe Julian was his own best client . Sometime , rarely , Claude still imagined that there was a chamber of Julian 's heart filled with shadows like photographic negatives - the image is in the absence of the image - a perfect celadon bowl , a mortar and pestle , two young men . Then for many years there was Miranda sucking her thumb - " ducky ducky , " Claude would quack as he toweled her freshly washed hair . Julian off someplace buying something to place on someone 's shelf or wall . Still some hope . But there were the photos of little Miranda - a bobble head infant all tipsy and fat . She looked so much like her mother Vera in dark complexion and the black eyes , but had Julian 's bone structure . No Claude there . Little Miranda pranced like a trained pony in and out of rooms . Her manicured nails clicking out everything she wanted and all her parents ' failings on some invisible table . Her forearms stacked with thin bangles that clicked and clanked with every wave of her hand . No doubt it was a bad time , maybe the worst for Claude to just bow out . He could smell the smoke on Miranda 's hair and clothes see her bloodshot eyes . He knew she was tearing it up with sullen neck tattooed boys that hunched waiting across the street or in the park . What he wanted to do or say was not even possible . He had watched Julian turn into more of hoax each year . " Julian , you are a fraudulent honking goose , a condensing puff of bad breath . " The silent pantomime of waiting first for Vera to return to sanity , then for the right woman and then filling in the gaps . Now , it was rare that Claude remembered what it had been like when it seemed to be close to perfect . What he understood is that perfect leads to nothing . Nobody would have called it innocent at Julian 's parents large white house while they were away . They were just twenty and had been drinking . Music was blasting Van Morrison from a stereo downstairs and they were in of all places Julian 's mother 's bedroom . Claude had maneuvered the whole weekend into being like a master strategist . By Saturday afternoon Julian came all over his mother 's bedspread and again on the green velvet settee and against Claude 's neck . Then , not a word was spoken about his mother 's bedroom , or Claude 's apartment or the motel rooms . No more strategies were ever needed . Ah be careful what you wish for . Claude let go his expectations like a kite string . The back of the house was enough for him . As for Miranda , she could not remember her parents " together " nor even imagine it . Summer visits , airports , tickets , that whole rigmarole . All those times her father was away on buying trips . Claude had read her Madeline , privately she used to imagine getting sick in the middle of the night and being rushed , wrapped in a blanket , to the hospital . And then walking after a very dangerous surgery to her parents - worried , smiling , loving . Real parents , not these misshapen creatures that try to reach out towards her like lurching ghouls in some old movie . Her parents were both such hypocrites - sad , really . Her mother running around with a pack of Euro trash half her age - all claiming to be political . Whatever . Then she stopped taking care of herself - poof , she would walk around in sweatpants and gray tee shirts , 3 to a pack , that were so long they fell mid thigh . Her hair hung in thin strings around her yellowing face . Her mother seemed to be shrinking . Miranda almost pleaded with her at times , to wear something else . All the hair on her legs and armpits . It got to the point that she could never bring a friend home . Her father with his good straight American teeth - who was he kidding , did he think she was an idiot ? The curtain lifts and the play begins . Her father bringing a different woman to every possible occasion , and some not so possible occasions . All so hopeful , with their cute ears pitched forward like little forest bunnies - pick me , pick me , they cried silently and in unison . The way she saw it after smoking some of her new stash of loud , and what she told her friend Rena when they were hanging out in her bedroom last week was that her parents were like her hamsters - sniffing and scratching rodents . They did ridiculous things , anybody could see that . For example that guy Alex that her mother brought home , OMG he was half her age and wanted to " protect , " " save " whom ? From what ? Seals , snowy owls . What he really wanted was to stand naked in his black ankle socks while her mother held him and stroked his hair . For real , that 's what he wanted - all he wanted . Next time mom you may want to shut the door . The sad thing is her mother did not even . . . not an idea , not a clue . Oh that 's her mother . She cooked and preened for him until one day in the market she saw him - acting normal , laughing and juggling lemons for a young blonde girl . When Julian opened the front door that morning of the wedding there was Adelstein lying on the matt . All over the morning paper - a lawsuit brought by his sisters , a pair of Gonerils with hair sculpted into king cobras ' mantles . Julian had been stocking their homes with expensive , rare and above all special objects , that if hadn 't been for how much they paid would have been more appreciated and better understood at the bottom of a well . The sisters were quoted as saying - it 's not the money , but the principle - they looked like eels flashing the muddy bottom . Julian noted that some people , more that you would think , just don 't embarrass - as he read over the paper he wondered if they were so obtuse as to imagine anybody could ever mistake them as " principled " by any definition of the word . What was it Adelstein wanted ? - or wanted more of , and how much would he pay ? Julian left the paper on the kitchen table and went into his study . He picked up the black cordless phone , no , bad idea , he realized , still too early , could get touchy - he opted to email Adelstein had undergone a recent religious awakening and wanted Judiaca . 18th century German and Holy Land antiquities . Did this correspond in any or all ways with his current " troubles " ? The man could no doubt afford the Sarajevo Haggadah and he wanted menorahs - Kiddush cups that held a quart adorned with tumorous clusters of grapes , clay oil jars . It was better when he just wanted a floral still life by Degas or worse , cubist dancers - you know he said - those ballerinas . Are you fricken kidding me , Julian had thought . Julian ran his hand over the smooth cool of his own bent wood chair - so simple and perfect in design . Julian was waiting at the gate holding a loose bouquet of blue lace cap hydrangeas and white delphinium . She spotted him leaning against a pillar , cell phone wedged between his ear and shoulder . " Miranda , " he mouthed nodding and eyeing the phone . Ah , Miranda , little baby girl , that they all fussed and cooed over like some rare species of exotic bird - who was what - now sixteen ? The only child of Julian 's brief marriage to some Persian queen . " She 's in for the wedding , well for the shopping too , maybe the whole summer . Things with her mother are rough right now . Who knew - that was still up in the air . It was a real illness this time , no postpartum nada - cells splitting wildly . We have to talk about that , " Julian said . Well , her aunt certainly provided her with ample wedding and shopping opportunities . What was this for Cleo now , wedding number three , maybe four - did Inez miss one ? Had she married that Brazilian or did they just run a ranch together in some backwater place in the Amazon ? Julian - his face now edged in the silver of a close trimmed beard - the years just revealed more perfect bone structure . He reached out fondly , warmly and kissed her cheek . At the shop Inez sat on a tufted teal ottoman as Elly and Julian surveyed and gathered arms full of possibilities and things to enhance those possibilities . It seemed here that nothing stood on its own merit and there was nothing that the correct accessory could not shore up . There was a blue shawl as fine as gossamer - looked like it had been spun out directly from the underbelly of some large but benevolent insect - glossy iridescent sheen . Then a black jacket with grosgrain ribbon trim that was so perfect in the cut and cuffs . Inez imagined the clothes blooming on her like jungle flowers , a flock multi - colored birds aloft - a wild impressionist woman , barefoot and biting into exotic fruits . " A wedding , I am sure they will have a long happy life together . " Elly chimed as she put the clothes into a garment bag that signaled how very special and costly the shop was . Inez thought it a bit late for long life together and maybe for happy also . Inez has noted that so many people she knew could talk about their lives with all the polished surface of a fable . All her friends , and her friends ' friends placed themselves squarely in the center of everything that came their way . Improving whatever corner of the world they occupied . They sat not just dutifully , but with a real sense of commitment on committees to improve their children 's schools , their communities . Just convinced that somehow they made the world a better place , by just being there and doing the things that benefited them - their challenges were universally , primordially simple - the child that failed to form sentences or to make eye contact , the wife stealing small items from the drug store , the man that drove one hundred miles to expose himself in a public park . Not human failing , not frailty , never lapses in judgment , but rather some larger code like a moral tale - how was it that they were perpetually the ant and not the grasshopper ? Miranda , of course , was late meeting them at the restaurant and Inez thought she could have sat a bit longer on the ottoman . They were seated at a small table under old photographs of men 's sports teams - the crew team 1922 , the football team 1910 , baseball 1870 . Julian took the menu and ordered - limited and familiar . The restaurant was a mix of academic and business diners - all subdued and eating and speaking studiously . They sat hunched over plates if they were officiously completing a task while a supervisor observed with a stopwatch . No doubt about it , the atmosphere in Boston was different - the air and mood not as fraught and complex . The cobbled streets of the neighborhood seemed indifferent - the winds were gentle , not tainted with the scent of burring flesh and cinders - dust was dust , not human remains . In the few brief blocks from the shop she noticed the darker skinned residents were all but absent . Holed up behind heavy oaken doors in the ivy towers , she thought , in fear of fellowships disappearing , thanking gods that they were not driving cabs in Manhattan . The few academic types in haute couture she saw did not seem to wear the same countenance of fear and shame as they had to adopt in New York to just get from point A to point B . In New York their new country had turned on them like an abused dog growls and snaps back at a benevolent owner . Part of the year the city had put on a happy face - a bright yellow smiley face as creepy as a harlequin or weeping clown paintings - a " nothing is going to stop New York " kind of stance - yet every time she rode the subway she could not help thinking gas attack , bomb , something . The papers made hash of the situation every morning - words were flying - justice , enemy , freedom . What did those men feel when they boarded the plane ? They were after the all the most elite and privileged of their countries . Did they also taste injustice bitter in their mouths , where did it come from ? Were words flying in their countries also ? Did their mother tongue swell with hurt and rage ? Does a sense of entitlement gone haywire burn with the same indignation reserved for oppression ? These questions confused Inez because on a very fundamental level she could not always make out the difference between us and them . The slender waiter in a white waist apron brought out a pretty glass pitcher of water with lemon slices and then placed a basket of bread and a white ramekin with butter . When Miranda arrived she looked like she has been caught in a sudden rain shower , the ends of her hair wet and limp , her bangs plastered to one side of her forehead . She had on the heavy " look at me " eyeliner that girls her age start with until they get tired and realize that getting looked at was not really what they had wanted or expected . Almost every finger flashes a ring . She collapsed into a chair , pulled out a phone and started to text . " Oh I am so hungry , " she said , eyeing Julian 's salad . " Here take this , " he said and pushed his salad in front of her Julian raised his glass of water and tipped his head graciously in Miranda 's direction . " Here 's to a great summer , a good tan , and the SAT prep class I signed you up for . " For an instant she looked crestfallen but then her eyes flickered with indignation . " Does this make you feel like a parent or something ? I mean , why do have to try to ruin my summer ? " Miranda pushed the plate to the side and leaned into the table with both elbows . Inez touched her arm . Miranda turned to Inez and gave her a withering look " I need shoes . " She said flatly . Julian looked down at her feet and again he saw the same hard candy red coating that was her lips . True enough , the child was there in a pair of flat straw sandals . Inez forced a thin smile . How could Miranda be expected to know , that in some parts of the world girls this age at the very moment were screaming with labor pains , or carrying on their heads jugs of water back from the river to the red - earthed village ? Not possible . This girl sitting , just sitting next to her father ; was somehow under the table rubbing the world against her thigh . Twenty five years ago light poured through the leaded glass panes of the patrician tower , collected in pools around them and reflected back off the polished stone floors , their radiance , their blessing , potential , and of course money . How they seemed to float just inches above marble floors , holding sweating glasses of wine - chalices really . Nobody bothered to notice , or were too polite to say that in contrast Inez ground her way , flint to stone , through college and then graduate school , as grim as Jane Eyre at Lockwood . She worked hard , unencumbered by the curses of imagination , talent or family money . She borrowed their light briefly . And what did she see illuminated ? Her own plainness , as plain as freckles on the fat girls ' arms . Then the light was gone , the music silent , the room empty . What remained ? That constant nagging feeling of her parents ' immigration in her stomach - heavy , like cabbage and root vegetables . Her father locking the chain link fence behind him as he closed his salvage yards as she watched for the sidewalk . The feral cats that would scatter nightly when he closed the lid on the dumpster . Her parents were unwashed field potatoes . Oh , how Tante Raizel had pleaded their case - family lore had it that she , already in America for a few years , practically an American , went from office to office pleading , begging and flirting when necessary for their rescue . She sought out the Red Cross , the Jewish agency , every congressman she could corner . Years later , they lacked the warm deep golden polish of having been in America for generations . How had they repaid her ? Scorpions , they stung Tante Raizel by never accepting their adopted homeland . They huddled in Brooklyn like they were hunkered down in a bunker waiting for the occupying troops to leave the city . When she died in New Jersey , the whole aging community of Yiddishist Bolsheviks mourned - the funeral was a pageant of old men with violins . After the cemetery her father loaded the borrowed station wagon with all the art from her house , ( tak [ Please check back tomorrow for part three of this five - part story ] Sorry for barging in on the middle of B . N . 's great story , but I did want to take a moment to note that poet / artist Jessica Fox - Wilson has written a wonderful review of my book , The Spring Ghazals on her blog , everything feeds process . You can read her review , for which I 'm truly grateful , right here . Ms . Fox - Wilson 's blog is always worth reading - I subscribe & look forward to new posts , which can be anything from poetry to insightful discussions on the creative process to photos taken during a commuter bus ride . Jessica Fox - Wilson is currently working on her own poetry manuscript , which she intends to publish in the near future . When she does , I assure you it will be reviewed here ! You also can read some of Jessica 's poetry on our own satellite blog , Writers Talk , right here ; you also can read her interview at this link . Thanks so much , Jessica ! & by the bye : to those of you who doubt Twitter - this review & much of the book 's publicity wouldn 't have happened without it . Posted by Voices rolled over the vast white and glass terminal , pinged into columns and were then cut short by utilitarian architecture and human bulk , boarding calls , squalling infants , announcements and safety instructions . From where she was standing next to a magazine rack Inez watched shows of easy emotions - oh my god I am so glad to see you - kind gestures of reaching down to lift another 's bags . As she moved deeper into the terminal past the gift and souvenir shops stocked with mugs and tee shirts what she saw were whole fat families in shorts and T - shirts , boisterous , mean - spirited and spiteful towards each other , slouching in flip - flops and shorts . How worn down everything felt , everyone looked . That whole autumn and well into winter , she feared every cloud would let loose an acid rain that could melt bone . Images kept popping up like a jack in the box . . . the monkey thought it all was in fun - . Just when the merry music called you closer , lulled you : Boom . Suddenly somewhere the herd startled , changed direction and stampeded the fields where the women and their children tended the crop of sorghum . Upriver the villagers had taken sick - mysterious fevers that turn innards to gore soup . Someplace at every moment great suffering was occurring - horrible injustice fanned out like a deck of cards . She remembered her own mother 's moods and how she watched her face as she pushed back the images of jackbooted thugs goose - stepping in the town square ; how she feared it would no doubt in time be right down 13th Avenue . " Mom , it is America " she would tell her . " All that was a long time ago , we are so safe that we 're bored stupid . " She knew her mother fought back the specters with small realities of meat on sale , upcoming weddings . Like a machete cutting back the jungle undergrowth , she wielded an imaginary blade and whacked back the python of her moods of their past . Don 't even ask the question . What was the future ? Snarling hellhounds moving in packs at the edge of the city . Each day the newspapers and the military experts on television assured the jittery public that guilty parties would be found . The axis of evil was pushpins in maps . Reports said he had been sighted on a mountain trail ; the best intelligence said he was holding up in a cave - dangerous mysterious terrain . He was a shape - shifter - video images were authenticated or dismissed - sinister forces at work with daggers , or box cutters . Detention centers were set up . Weapons grade plutonium moved by pack mule over borders that only existed on maps . Land mines were disguised as children 's toys . Yes , lately the whole mood of things was different . Every time she left her apartment , she told herself , just a run to the corner market - 2 peaches a croissant and home . Now , she repeats just a weekend , only a weekend . She slid into the molded plastic chair and waited for her boarding call . Her fellow passengers began to move downstream to collect at the gate . She clutched two forms of photo id , and she arrived four hours prior to scheduled departure . One of the first things she noticed was that a new breed of people had evolved and left the primordial broth . " Homeland Security " had recruited the entire population of the indifferent and the brutish to strip all the others down to their stocking feet , to confiscate , knitting needles from old ladies and plastic nunchucks from small children . She watched people trudge doggedly toward the boarding gate door , heavy with an invisible burden , some talking into cell phones or wearing headphones - Airline representatives on cue moved in from behind counters with walkie - talkies . She was still trying to gather her things back into her purse from the final security check . It had all felt like a gust of wind and she was bits of paper that went flying . Just last week she drove past what the future was supposed to be - the 1964 World 's Fair Globe - one world - futuristic , easyThat first week she went with Mrs . Mermelstien to a Shiva house - the pile still burning . Those on the upper floors above the impact used their cell phones to call out . The few Orthodox men working that day in the towers called the Rabbi in Brooklyn , the main possek - he answered the most difficult questions concerning the laws of life and death . How had they formed the question - did they even need to speak the words ? " Jump , " the Rabbi said , what else did he say to them ? Well , he never spoke about those final conversations . They called their wives - those last details - where she could find the keys to the safety deposit box , the ethical will for the children . The whole winter was bitter and complicated . People were sifting through toxic ash looking for bits of bone and teeth . Spring brought a little relief . A few weeks ago , when Julian had called , he had to leave a message . When she called him back the person that answered the phone said he was " out on the Island " for the weekend . It was not until the middle of the week that she actually spoke to him . At which point she was already worn thin , and after the train home from teaching her class ; looking at her small white cartons of oily Chinese take out , she was sure she had no past and certainly no future . But then his voice - a warm velvet curtain of invitation . Did she leap up at the chance ? No , she imagined graceful back flips of her body agile , supple . " Sure I 'd love to , " she said . She was so absorbed in the possibility of stepping out of own life even briefly that it hardly registered that Julian 's sister Cleo was getting married again . All Inez felt was the world once again had potential and would welcome her , if not with roaring cheers then with polite applause . The passage of decades was erased . In graduate school when they were all still living in the area , Julian used to coax her out of her dreary basement apartment , the card table buried under a half finished , thesis on - what was it ? Folk - tales , Gypsy melodies , Child Ballads . She drank frothy cups of cappuccino , ate flan with just a hint of amaretto - here kitty , kitty , come sweet pussycat , and she would stretch and rub against him . Did she purr ? God she hoped not . Now it was so nice of him to invite her and of course it was all right if he brought a guest - his sister 's wedding , okay not his sister 's first time to the fair . Last summer she felt finally , after ten years a life about to begin she and Nathan were looking for a house together . Not too late . She imagined strollers . Then he came home from a weeklong conference in Scotland , bitter and distant and covered with a strange rash . " Did your paper not go well , " she asked ? " Maybe youAlmost a year after Nathan decamped Julian called her out of the blue . He was in New York on some business and he wanted to " do " lunch . When she first told Julian that Nathan had left to move in with a 24 - year - old , Julian reached over and touched the top of her hand . It was after all Julian who introduced her to Nathan . She remembered , Julian said that Nathan seemed to want the same things in life as she did . Even that day having lunch in a place that Julian picked because of its reputation for Vietnamese noodles , she saw people gravitated toward Julian ; how many times was he given refills on a hardly sipped drink . Okay , she was teary and ragged , relating the whole story , and not looking like anyone to just strike up a conversation with , but was she invisible ? Over the years she had heard that professionally , he was sought after . His intuition and knowledge on art and artifacts mattered , his keen eye had in fact made him almost rich , which he was to start with ; but he did not lose any ground . Her own vision had gone blurry after Nathan left , maybe it had been dimming slowly all along . She had the mind numbing relentless repetition , work getting home to the shoebox apartment that was " only temporary " what was that , twenty years ago ? She could not even sum it up any more . And nobody ever asked her to . Food tasted like ash , colors drained out of objects . Exchanges became fraught , defensive . Was this age ? Was Nathan the final blow ? Her life , a dowager 's hump - weekends at home watching old movies . With friends and colleagues there were still parties , but they grew increasingly more infrequent and more detailed , everything stood for something else - orchid centerpieces , and complex seating arrangements - things needed to addressed , redressed , divorces , affairs , plain old bad feelings . She thought she would have it too in her hand . It no longer seemed to matter how graciously she had pressed through the period of baby showers and then Bar Mitzvahs , graduation parties . In place of the smoky illicit parties oInez bought three magazines at the kiosk , breath mints , and a granola bar - she did not know if they even gave peanuts anymore on short flights . She wondered whether or not these would be taken from her at the final security . Her fellow travelers began to collect at the boarding door . For the most part they seemed ill - tempered , frazzled , a man in a navy blue business suit and a red tie sticking out from a side pocket elbowed his way to the front of the snaking line , a baby in an outfit with a large yellow sunflower bawled and sweated in his mothers arms . Why hadn 't she taken the train ? B . N . Please check out tomorrow 's post at The Days of Wine & Roses ; it 's the final poem in the Heaven sequence ( " Heaven # 6 ) , & is the penultimate poem in the collection . Counting tomorrow , there will only 3 more posts on The Days of Wine & Roses before the blog is retired . More poetry ? Be sure to check in on The Spring Ghazals ! There will be a new post there within the next day or so , & at least one more during the course of the week . There won 't be a Monday post on Alcools . The next translation isn 't completed yet . & tomorrow on Robert Frost 's Banjo ? We begin B . N . 's story All Knees Shall Bend And Every Tongue Shall Vow . This story is about 911 , & about privilege . It 's a powerhouse , & while B . N . & I don 't agree about some of the points - of - view that come up during the narrative , I give it a high recommendation as a piece of fiction . The story is divided into five parts , & it will be posted serially , Sunday thru Thursday . Posted by Observant fans of Homegrown Radio may have noticed that I mistakenly included this week 's song in last week 's embedded playlist . Sorry about that ! Now that it 's the official new song of the week , let 's hear what Joel Murach has to say about " And the World Was On Fire : " It was a scorching hot summer and there were wildfires burning everywhere in California . I was driving from Fresno to Santa Cruz . I was in the middle of the worst breakup of my life . To top it all off , I rented a documentary about 9 / 11 that Earl Butter recommended to me . It was devastating . And it all blended together into this song . I started by recording a voice and a guitar , but it didn 't sound so great , so I added more guitars and voices . I hope it sounds better now . I will probably keep working on it because I think this song is worth it . I am so happy to introduce today 's Writers Talk interviewee , my dear friend L . E . Leone . & I 'm especially happy to introduce her , because it appeared for awhile that it wouldn 't happen - I thought I had misplaced L . E . & her ukulele , not to mention her interview responses , somewhere in the California wilderness . She herself , as is so often the case , didn 't realize she 'd been misplaced . Any hoot : L . E . Leone , in addition to being my very good friend & one of the regular contributors on the Robert Frost Banjo blog , is a successful writer & musician . She has published two volumes of short stories : The Meaning of Lunch & Big Bend , as well as a collection of restaurant reviews titled Eat This , San Francisco . L . E . is also the regular Cheap Eats restaurant reviewer for the weekly San Francisco Bay Guardian . Musically , she was a founding member of the band Ed 's Redeeming Qualities , & has also performed with the Buckets & Lipsey Mountain Spring Band . L . E . currently has a solo music thing going under her nom de guerre of Sister Exister . You can check out her album Scratch on CDBaby here . You can also check out her poem , " Licking Knives " , on the Writers Talk blog . I should perhaps point out that the poem is " NFSW . " Most importantly to me , L . E . has been a tried & true friend since the early 90s . She has always been supportive of my creative endeavors , be they writerly or musical - & I must say , whatever musical endeavors I have these days were greatly inspired by L . E . 's own serious " can do " musical attitude . & so : here 's L . E . ! I think I was six . I was walking on the playground behind Immaculate Conception school in Youngstown , Ohio , looking at my little shoes moving across the asphalt , hearing grasshoppers jumping in the dry weeds around the perimeter , and thinking that in spite of all evidence to the contrary , I was Agent 99 from Get Smart . It was my first exercise in point - of - view , and as soon as I realized that I was one ( a point of view ) , and that that was about all I was … it was over . Around maybe fourth grade I started making poems , which I self - published on scraps of paper and passed to the kid I had a crush on . He passed them to his cousin , and they made the rounds . And I made my reputation - which I still have - as a kind - of literary clown . These poems were usually two simple , rhyming lines about something predictable ( such as snow or tree frogs ) designed to lull my little classmates into a stupor , and then a third line which - by design - had nothing to do with anything ( such as Miles Standish ) . The goal was to get them to laugh out loud in the classroom . Really , I 'm still doing almost exactly that . My short story " Spinach , " for example , started with a line from a song that a friend of mine wrote : " I have a photo / from the first day we met / it helps me remember / but I usually forget / I keep it in my shoe / in case I get lost " … Six lines , I guess , which I thought were brilliant , and which sprung me into one of the longest stories I ever told . For no good reason , really , I told it in a kind of a made - up dialect . Something southern - ish . And I set it in Alma , Arkansas , and Tucson , Arizona , really because those were two of the places I had just played on tour with my old band , and they kind of stuck in my head . Because the shows went pretty well , or something . So happens , there was also a point , during that tour , where I got in a huge fight with one of my bandmates while we were driving through the Sonoran desert , and I fantasized about leaving him behind when he got out of the car . The story " Spinach " has nothing to do , really , with any of these things . Yet they 're all there , in the story . It 's a twisted , three - way love story that 's sad and funny . After that tour , my bandmates , with whom I lived , dispersed for the holidays , and I stayed behind in San Francisco and stayed up late , and wrote , and wrote and wrote . A couple of editors at the Paris Review really helped and encouraged me with the dialect . I remember them saying : " Go all the way . Take it to an extreme . Really get inside of this character . " And I did , through several rewrites , until it eventually worked . I came to love the way that particular narrator spoke , so much so that I have adopted some of his made up words and malaprops for my own . Years later , when the story was published in my book , another editor , my friend Mike DeCapite , had the bright idea of adding a couple of wigs onto this desert - days shopping list , and now that is my favorite thing about the story . I laugh every time I think of it , and it wasn 't even my idea , or words . I do well with deadlines . Stop laughing , John . Really , though , I wrote a regular column for my high school paper . I was the editor of my college paper , and had to crank out editorials twice a week . And ever since graduate school , where I focused on fiction - writing , I have had to produce a weekly column under deadline pressure . I love being in a newspaper , because people read it . It 's local , immediate , and in my experience butters more bagels than books do . But really the bottom line is that more people read newspapers than books . Right ? I might be wrong , and in any case it is of course changing . I 'm told print media will all but disappear . It 's been pretty good to me , but I 'm not going to dig in my heels . Wherever people are reading what they read , that 's where I 'll go because that 's what it 's about for me : my words , and your eyeballs . Or ears . I have loved writing ( and recording ) for this blog . It gives me a deadline ( which I missed this week , that 's why John was laughing ) … and a voice . The truth is , I don 't eat a lot of bagels . That 's a really good question . I can tell because I don 't have any idea how to answer it . I have fucked up and lost friends because of something I wrote . It hasn 't happened often , but it has and I hate that and would love a do - over . My weekly column is tricky because I write about my life , and my life includes - in fact , features - my relationships . Most of my friends seem to get a kick out of being in my column , even though I use nicknames and often make things up about them , say they said things they didn 't say , and in some cases tease them . One of my closest friends , and perhaps my favorite person to write about , has put a restraining order on me , writingwise . But I sneak things in , like this , because I love to say her name : Crawdad de la Cooter . On the other hand my writing is what gives me confidence in myself , and therefore ( I assume ) makes me at all attractive . It is how I flirt . I don 't mean in love letters . I mean in restaurant reviews - and , to a lesser degree , in short stories , songs , and poetry . So another way of looking at it is : If I weren 't a writer I would never have had any romantic relationships … to be negatively affected by the fact that I am a writer . I would describe my community of writers as Nancy Krygowski . She 's one of my oldest , dearest friends , and a great poet from Pittsburgh , PA . Every Friday , before the end of the day , her time , she has to send me a new poem , or else . And in return , by the end of my work week ( which is three hour later , ha ha ) I have to send her three pages of fiction . In this way , we force each other to produce . It 's a great arrangement , because I love Nancy , and absolutely adore her poetry , so when I crank out my three pages , I feel I am earning something way more precious than paychecks , or even accolades : I am earning the existence of one more poem of hers in this underpoetic world . So my inspiration to write , these days , comes from my desire for someone else to write . And this is working , for both of us . I 'm glad you asked . Because , for the first time since fourth grade , I have one . I have a goal ! What I want to do is change the world . How ? By doing something no one has ever done , to my knowledge : writing a series of stories , each with at least one positive male character who is competent , kind , cool as hell , lucky as fuck , on fire , and ( it so happens ) in love - madly , openly , and entirely coincidentally - with a transgender woman . Do you see why this is vital ? The biggest social , political , or for that matter socio - political issue of our time , as far as I can make out , is that not a lot of people want to go out with trans women , and those that do , tend to be secretive about it , and ashamed . I would like to do something about this . Speaking of which , & as illustration of the titular " more , " check this out : tomorrow on Robert Frost 's Banjo : a Writers Talk interview with our own regular contributor & fan favorite , L . E . Leone ! In addition to her interview , L . E . will also have a new poem for us tomorrow on the Writers Talk blog . But there 's more : regular contributor , B . N . - who is now officially in the market for a different nom de plume - will have a 5 - part story running in this space Sunday thru Thursday of next week . The story is titled All Knees Shall Bend And Every Tongue Shall Vow , & it 's a powerhouse . To accommodate the story , the Photo of the Week feature will move to Saturday . Ghazals ? Yes , folks , The Spring Ghazals is on Lulu . com & is awaiting all you kind potential buyers ! Is it ill - advised to self - publish a book of poetry during an " economic crisis ? " Perhaps , but there you have it - the book is published . I can honestly say that The Spring Ghazals is a good book , one that I 'm proud to have written , & one that stands up to comparison to other books of contemporary poetry , whether self - published or not . I also can honestly say that I 'm not a natural marketer or self - promoter . If I were those things , it 's safe to say my life experiences would have been quite different . But having said that , I do hope you 'll consider purchasing the book , & that in addition , you 'd consider writing a review on your blogs & / or giving yours truly a " writerly " interview . These things would be much appreciated & would I believe win you much good karma in the long run . Speaking of poetry ( & more ) : how about The Poetry Bus ? I have my copy , I 'm happy to say , & it 's wonderful . Lots of good writing in this issue , & yours truly has a poem in there ( page 32 ! ) Banjos : Well , Eberle & I had a music show on Friday . First , let me say that Eberle played great . In retrospect , I wish she 'd played on more songs . Yours truly ? Well , my guitar playing was fine - I felt a bit off , I think largely due to a small turn - out , but I do have a margin on the guitar . But the feedback I 've gotten so far is that there was just too much intense blues stuff & that my singing style ( at least my delta blues singing style ) is too " talky " for a full - length stage show . This feedback has been the source of much soul - searching over the past few days . Right now , I 'm leaning toward spending the winter working on some instrumental material , both on the guitar & on the banjo - so for a bit at least , future Monday Morning Blues segments may be instrumentals . I 'm also considering expanding my repertoire to involve what 's typically referred to as " old - timey " music these days . Can I mix " I Wish I was a Mole in the Ground " with " Banty Rooster Blues " or " Gonna Wear That Starry Crown " with " Levee Camp Moan ? " We shall see ! On the first of the week , the publisher of this paper received a personal letter from Dr . R . T . Whiteman , who enlisted in the service early last year and is now in charge of a field hospital on the French front . The letter is characteristic of the big , good - natured " Doc " and contains many things of interest . Although the regulations forbid an officer to write for publication , a fact to which Dr . Whiteman has called our attention , we assume that to quote portions of the letter is permissible . This we do on our own responsibility and without permission from the writer . Among other things he says : " You will no doubt understand from previous experience that information on the very matters that will interest you most is strictly " taboo , " so I will have to keep within the stipulated limitations . We have seen lots of territory , and our experiences have been many and varied - some pleasant , some otherwise ; but most of them new and therefore interesting and of such nature as to be beneficial in more ways than one . These experiences have enabled us to get the other fellow 's , the Frenchman 's , viewpoint more completely than would otherwise be possible . " As for our impressions of France and its people , I cannot say enough in its favor . It is a beautiful county , much like parts of Idaho , and the people have exerted themselves at every opportunity to make life pleasant for us - nothing is too good for the American boys , and the sole aim of the French as well ourselves is to win the war . Their economy and the completeness with which everything is utilized has taught us lessons that will go far toward making an impression when we get back home . " We are all impressed with the natural politeness and gentle manners of the French people . This applies even among the commonest of them . Their natural courtesy is quite striking and we have been made to realize that in our ordinary life at home we have been negligent in the little courtesies that are observed here as a matter of habit . After becoming acquainted with these kindly , home - loving French people it is also easy for one to understand how it is they have fought so courageously to protect their homes from invasion by the Hun . " Several of our boys are getting clippings from their home papers , which , I must say , are a source of more or less irritation . The subject of such clippings seems to be an arraignment of the American soldier abroad and , according to these papers , drunkenness , venereal diseases and debauchery in every form is about to prove the ruination of the U . S . Army . Since these assertions are very unfair to our army as a whole it is but fair that I mention in a general way that - as a doctor who is in a position to know these things - during my entire stay in France , in constant contact with large bodies of men , my observation has been that these evils are NOT as MUCH in evidence HERE as they were in camps of similar character at home and it is not too much to say that the American boy is SAFER right HERE than he is under similar circumstance in his own country . I do not infer that with our boys all is perfection , but they are a fine , manly lot and that criticism comes with poor grace from people at home , some of whom lack the backbone required to " get into the game " , but who are extremely solicitous and critical on the sidelines - far removed from danger . " Well , Mr . Mike , you are no doubt wondering as to the outcome , etc . , and we can dispose of that in few words by saying that we are not READY to come home yet , and by saying that we do not like the idea of the folks at home talking about it so much . ACTION and PEACE talk will not mix , Mike , and any time taken up with peace prattle is time taken from the business at hand . " October 4 , 1918 COLLECTING LINEN FOR SOLDIERS THIS WEEK In accordance with instructions from Red Cross Headquarters , this week has been set apart as " Linen Shower Week " throughout America . Word from the Allied battle front states that hospitals are in urgent need of millions of bath towels , sheets , and other similar material . Instead of purchasing these products through commercial channels , which would necessitate delay , it has been planned to ask each family to contribute one article or a set of articles of household linen form their reserve stock . Those in charge of the work say that the allotment for the Adams county chapter is not large and should be filled without difficulty . The call for this chapter is as follows : We are requested to again call attention to the fact that the Government asks that all fruit pits - peach , plum , apricots , etc . , be saved . That pits are old will not interfere with their value . They may be left at the Criss store . Feeding wheat to livestock has been prohibited by the U . S . Food Administration for a year or more , but now , in view of the big 1918 wheat crop in the country , farmers may feed wheat to livestock under certain conditions . The food administration ruling recites that no wheat within hauling distance of market may be used for feeding , except on permit issued by the county food administrator . To obtain the permit , the man who wishes to feed the wheat to livestock must submit to the county food administrator a 2 - pound sample of the grain in a cloth bag , and state the number of bushels needed for feeding , and to what animals it will be fed . If the wheat grades less than No . 3 , a feeding permit may be issued . No bread is to be served until after the first course is on the table , and no bread or toast may be served as a garniture . Bacon is also barred as a garniture , and only one meat may be served to one person at a meal . " Double " cream is banned . No sugar bowls will be allowed on the tables ; a teaspoonful is the limit for a meal , and then only when asked for . No waste food may be burned , but all must be saved to feed animals or reduced to obtain fat . All original text , music & pictures are licensed under a Creative Commons license . Please feel free to use them ( not for profit ) as long as you acknowledge the source & make them available under similar " share - alike " terms . This includes all works by John Hayes , Eberle Umbach ( including original works by The Alice in Wonder Band , Five & Dime Jazz & The Bijou Orchestrette ) , Audrey Bilger , Brittany Newmark , L . E . Leone , Barbie Dockstader Angell , Nancy Krygowski , Carmen Leone , Mairi Graham - Shaw , AK Barkley , John Hayes , Sr . , Sheila Graham - Smith & any other original work as may appear here down the line ( we 're hoping ! )
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There are no levels of hell mentioned in the Bible , which generally assumes hell to be a miserable place , if not a place of actual , eternal torment . The Greek word most commonly translated as hell in the New Testament is hades , which is more or less equivalent to the Hebrew sheol used in the Old Testament . The term refers to a more or less universal destination for the dead ; good , bad or indifferent , everyone ends up here . Whether Alighieri based his detailed soteriography of hell on ideas he inherited , or created it from scratch , I have no idea . The hell of " Inferno " is an inverted cone of nine concentric circles , gouged into the earth by the impact of Satan when he was cast out of heaven . Overseen by devils who see that the damned are appropriately tormented for their sins , each circle is marked by the type of sin that defined the character of those imprisoned there , with the sin worsening the deeper into hell you go . It 's here that we see the first actual example of any sort of biblical teaching about hell . Dante , hearing the woe - begotten sighs of those confined to the First Circle , asks his guide if any have ever left this circle . Those whom Virgil names are a brief Who 's Who of personalities of the Tanakh , such as Adam , Noah , Abraham and David . The castle is an interesting thing . Dante notes that it has seven walls circling it , each with a gate that leads inward , and at the center is a meadow filled with the somber , quiet shades of the most righteous . This probably is the Elysian Fields , where Virgil claimed in " The Aeneid " is where the virtuous dead reside , which makes his pre - eminence among the dead here ironically appropriate . We are told that these people are in Limbo because they were great thinkers whose name and fame remained until Dante 's time . As a consequence for this , God was inclined to be merciful and spared them any punishment beyond the oblique sadness that permeates the First Circle . And that is telling about Alighieri . A lot of the reason for the poem 's appeal begins to come clear in this very canto . Alighieri uses some apocalyptic imagery in Canto I , placing savage animals in Dante 's path that commentators see as representing both political states and worldly vices ; and Canto II saw garden - variety mysticism in the intercession Beatrice makes on Dante 's account to rescue him from the dark wood ; but so far we have seen none of the turn - your - head sorts of images that we associate with " The Inferno . " Until now . Here at the entrance to the land of the dead , unearthly moans assault Dante 's ears with a din that he renders in a manner both poignant and unsettling . The people uttering these tormented cries run through the vestibule of hell , stung by hornets and wasps as they chase a banner that flutters in the breeze , just beyond their reach . Their tears mix with blood as they fall to the ground , where they are consumed by worms . And this picturesque torment is just what occurs in the vestibule to hell . The sin for which these people are being tormented is merely one of cowardice . Those punished could not bring themselves either to follow God nor to live lives of open sin . Virgil likens them to angels who neither fought with God when Satan rebelled , nor sided with the devil . The price of their cowardice is that neither heaven nor hell will admit them . And in this procession of banner - chasers is where we find a cipher for one layer of interpretation of " The Inferno . " Dante claims to recognize several members of the crowd , but comments only on one , whom he accuses of " cowardice in making the great refusal . " Alighieri makes no further comment on this , but commentators apparently believe it was Pope Celestine V , who resigned the papal office five months later and gave it to Pope Boniface VIII . . From what I can tell , Celestine V 's papcy is remarkable only for its brevity . The issue Alighieri has with Celestine seems to be solely that he relinquished his papal office . And to a man like Dante , who took a bullet not once , briefly , but over much of his adult life , for his views , that decision to reject the Seat of Peter must have been not only incomprehensible , but reprehensible as well . And , after all , what is hell is all about ? Setting aside our theological basis for hell , the people we most would like to see in hell are the people who are unlike us . A hundred years ago in the United States , native fundamentalists conflated dislike of hard - drinking Irish workers and Italian immigrants , with religious differences that Protestants have the Roman Catholic Church , and condemn them all . Today it 's not uncommon to hear conservative preachers calling down God 's wrath upon pro - choices , gays and lesbians , and environmentalists ; or for liberal Christians to get snarky and suggest that when things go wrong for the GOP , it 's because conservatives aren 't following God . Hell 's a great place to send people who aren 't like us , because they clearly deserve it . If they didn 't , they would be more like us . The entire experience is too much for poor Dante . Although he had resolved at the end of Canto II to put aside fear , he notes that even years after this experience occurred , he still trembles at its mere recollection . Now having crossed the Styx a living man , he is witness an earthquake accompanied by a bright light , and he passes out . It was agonizing . The whole time we had been at the pool , I had been watching one kid after another climb the ladder , walk or even run the length of the board , and then dive in . Some of them had jumped . Some of them had cannonballed . A few actually had dived , arms stretched out to part the water before them . It looked like a lot of fun , and so I had decided to give it a shot . It didn 't feel as easy as it looked , though . For one thing , the top of the ladder seemed much higher off the ground than when I was on the ground . And the diving board didn 't feel very safe once I was standing on it . I walked carefully out to the end of the board , and froze . There were kids down in the water , playing and splashing about , and having a grand old time , and I knew that it was perfectly safe just to jump off . So I think I can understand the reaction Dante has at the start of Canto II . At this point , he is still in the dark wood , in sight of the holy mountain and not yet on his way down into the circles of hell . It 's at this point that Dante has the only sensible reaction anyone can have at the mouth of hell : What am I thinking ? I can 't go down there ! When I stood at the end of the diving board , I 'm fairly sure I tried to psych myself into making the jump . I 'd been off regular diving boards plenty of times . I 'd seen dozens of kids jump off the high - dive that day alone . ( I had the same problem trying the zip line at an Afs camp in New Zealand in 1987 . ) Dante does the same thing . Journeys into hell are a pretty common thing in literature , after all . Odysseus made such a trip in " The Odyssey " ; Heracles went there at least twice ; the Bible teaches that Jesus descended into hell to free all those who had died in faith ; and so on . Dante calls to mind two other such stories , in an attempt to put his impending descent into perspective . The first tale he mentions is Virgil 's own " Aeneid . " In that poem , Aeneas , one of the surviving members of the royal family of Troy , visits hell and discovers that he is destined to be the ancestor of the Roman Empire , which will restore a golden age to the earth under the august leadership of its first emperor . ( Coincidentally , I 'm sure , Virgil wrote " The Aeneid " during the reign of Augustus Caesar . ) The other tale Dante mentions , which I 've never read , comes from a medieval account of a vision of the Apostle Paul descending into hell . ( 2 Corinthians 12 tells of Paul having a vision of heaven . ) Perhaps it would be useful here to differentiate between Dante the character in the poem , and Dante Alighieri the poet . Dante the character is practically shaking with fear here , humbly considering himself unworthy of the task set before him . Dante Alighieri is using this to lay the foundation for declaring his worthiness to his readers . Virgil explains to Dante that he was sent to his side from Limbo by Beatrice , who came to him straight out of heaven to see him lead Dante away from the wild beasts that had been threatening him on the hillside . And not only Beatrice , but two other women from heaven , are calling for him . ( Though I count three besides Beatrice : the Virgin Mary , Lucia and Rachel . ) The first canto of " Inferno " sets the story at halfway through Dante 's life , roughly around the time he was 35 . Dante 's family were associated with the White Guelfs , which political alliance had fallen out of favor with the ruling class in Florence , forcing him into exile away from his wife and children . To some extent , though the poem is thoroughly imbued with religious meaning , the despair that marks this first canto reflects the sense of grievous wrong Dante feels he has suffered and his hopes that justice one day will prevail , both spiritually and politically . The canto begins in a dark wood , where Dante has been suffering deeply , and where he encounters a brace of wild animals . First , a beautiful leopard blocks his way for all that it is enchanting to look at ; secondly , a fierce lion ; and lastly a terrifying she - wolf also oppose him . The animals all keep Dante from mounting the hill that he is trying to climb , presumably to escape the fearsome woods and gain some perspective on where he is . It 's a common device to use animals to represent either an attitude that matches that animal 's demeanor , or at least a person who possesses that attitude . The notes in my copy of " Infero " mention that these animals all represent political powers - - the leopard , Florence ; the lion , the royal house of France ; and the wolf , no less than the papal see . Yet the same three also correspond to mortal vices : worldly pleasure , ambition , and avarice . I 've always found Dante 's choice of Virgil for his guide to be interesting , but in many regards it makes sense . Dante was Italian , and Virgil himself was an Italian , from the Golden Age of the Roman Empire . As a scholar , Dante doubtless had studied Virgil 's " Aeneied " extensively , and in any event , he refers to himself as Virgil 's disciple and student . One thing that is mildly worth noting : Virgil 's epic " Aeneid " also depicted a trip to the Underworld , as Aeneas sought counsel from the shade his father Anchises , as the Greek hero Odysseus also once had done . Anchises spoke of a coming golden age for Aeneas ' descendants . The terms of Virgil 's prophecy were clearly intended to describe Augustus Caesar , but some people have tried to interpret them around Christ . I decided tonight that I want to try something different . Starting tomorrow , I want to blog exclusively about Dante 's " Inferno , " one canto a night , until I have finished . Then , perhaps , I will continue through the rest of " The Divine Comedy , " although the last time I tried reading Dante 's masterpiece , I never made it more than halfway through " Paradiso . " Finishing up here in New Orleans tonight . The city has been absolutely amazing , and I 've loved how relaxed a lot of the city is where music and entertainers are concerned . Even now , months from Carnival and Mardi Gras , you can 't go anywhere without encountering live jazz music , often from amateur musicians playing for tips . The big thing right now is to reduce expenses however we can . We make our own bread , and as many of our meals from scratch as we can , which has kept our food bill fairly steady the past year , particularly with the garden providing beans , tomatoes , and some other vegetables . I 've been relying on the library more than ever for books and movies , and expect that if it comes to it during the winter , I 'll probably spend most of the day there as well , using the WiFi connection to get my work done in a building where I don 't have to foot the heating bill myself . Some friends of ours came up with a great way to reduce their expenses , by sharing a house with another family . It gives them all full access to an entire house ( for the most part ) , for half the price . Utilities are cut in two , food becomes cheaper per person because of the economies of scale , and the hosting family gets extra money for their mortgage while the second family is saving on their rent . One perspective that I have found helps is to consider that everything you buy assumes the intrinsic value of the money you spent buying it . Thus , if I spend $ 14 on a pair of pants , those pants are worth $ 14 even if I can 't wear them anymore . So , rather than throwing them out ( and tossing my money into a landfill ) or simply recycling them ( thereby tossing my money into a recycling bin ) , I find some other use for the material , to get more bang for my buck . My sixth - form homeroom teacher was Brother Philip , a decent enough guy , all things considered . He was long on patience , which you had to be at an all - boys high school that was about to merge with an all - girls high school and your job was one that probably would face the ax when the music stopped . Actually , you had to be long on patience in being a teacher at an all - boys high school . One fine afternoon , at the end of the school day , I took it upon myself to stack all the desks in Brother Philip 's room . I would pick up one , and lay it flat atop another . I would then pick up a third , and carefully balance its feet atop the feet of the upended desk . After that came a fourth desk , which also would be placed , upside - down , so that in short order there were four desks stacked together , nearly touching the ceiling . Just as I began to survey my work , it suddenly hit me : School wasn 't over , and it was time for maths class . So I grabbed my bookbag , exited through the door and went down the hallway into Ms . Gosnell 's class , where we were about to have a test . It didn 't even occur to me to go through the door that joined the two rooms , which is probably just as well , considering what happened next . She 's going through a difficult time right now , separated from her wife , marginalized by her own parents , and feeling at times quite alone in the world . She 's my best friend ; I 've known her for 20 years , more than half my lifetime . So I sent her a note and asked her if she wanted to get together next month to celebrate her birthday . My friend Walks in the Rain , who I am sure will keep me from ever getting conceited or feeling special about myself , recently told me , " Congratulations , you 're a decent human being . which makes you above average . " It calls to mind the many times I have failed even these basic acts of decency , and how far below the standard I really am . Well , bollocks to that . Couples should do what works for them , and never mind what their parents think . Wear a purple wedding dress , wear ripped or stone - washed jeans , or wear red - orange fezes . Whatever you like , whatever works for you , it 's all fine . It 's your wedding day , and you should enjoy yourselves . We kept our own wedding pretty simple - - six groomsmen and a groomsmaid , plus five bridesmaids and two bridesmen - - but I wish in many ways it had been even simpler . By the time the wedding rolled around , I would have been more than happy to drop at least one of my groomsmen . My brother and his wife kept their wedding party to just themselves , and their guests strictly to family . I 'd also have settled for more unusual . Some couples get married in an underground chapel in the Crystal Cave , just outside Hellertown , Pa . , on Halloween . That would be amazing , though the wedding party would be small . One of the traditional items is the Unity candle , where the parents of the bride and groom light candles to represent their grown children , which the children bring together to light one large candle to symbolize their new life together . We didn 't do that . Instead we celebrated Communion together , just the two of us . We also took our marriage vows from the issue of the Fantastic Four where John Storm and Alicia Masters got married . Another friend of mine , when he got married , he and his wife did air Communion . Ken 's explanation was that he and his wife had planned to take Communion together . Unfortunately , the person in charge of Communion had forgotten to place either element in the appropriate place , with the result that they had to " fake it . " They went through the motions of taking Communion , drinking nonexistent juice from empty cups , and eating nonexistent bread from empty trays . Do not throw this letter away . It has the power to bring you good luck and prosperity ; failing to follow its directions could lead to disaster . This letter has been around the world nineteen times and has been translated into twenty - three languages . It began in late 1864 , when it was dictated to Mary Todd Lincoln , U . S . President Lincoln 's wife , through a medium , by the spirit of her late son Tadd Lincoln . Despite Mary Lincoln 's great belief in the spiritual world , her husband would not let her follow its instructions , and early in 1865 , President Lincoln was shot and killed by John Wilkes Booth . Mary Lincoln went mad with grief and eventually was consigned to an asylum . After President Lincoln 's assassination , the letter was discovered by his vice president and successor , President Andrew Johnson . President Johnson neglected the letter and was impeached , but at the last moment he remembered the letter , and sent out 10 copies to various heads of state and childhood friends , and he was acquitted by one vote . This is not a hoax ; the chain letter has power from the spirit world . Hundreds of people have ignored it and suffered the consequences . In 1892 , Pierre Jean Hugo received a copy of the French version of the letter and threw it out , and broke his leg the next day after falling down the stairs . A neighbor of his , Francois Duchatellier , also received a copy . Monsieur Duchatellier sent out ten copies and a week later inherited a chicken farm outside Digne . His great - grandson later sold the chicken farm for $ 10 million to Frank Perdue of Perdue Chickens . In the early twentieth century , the archbishop of Sarajevo received a copy of the letter , and thinking himself immune to such letters , rejected it . Six months later , he was assassinated and Europe was plunged into World War I , perhaps the bloodiest conflagration the world has ever seen . But when Jafar Abu - Shabazz in Kenya received a Swahili version of the letter in 1938 and sent out ten copies , he not only married his childhood sweetheart , but he escaped World War II whPosted by Some Christians regarded the meat as spiritually polluted , tainted from its association with pagan deities . Others saw it quite sensibly as meat that they could buy more cheaply than the best cuts the supermarket offered . ( I may be conflating this with 1 Corinthians 8 , where Paul also talks about such matters . ) Paul frames the issue of weakness and strength in terms of appetites , specifically an appetite for food . Food is one of those basic drives in all of us , more fundamental than enjoyment of beauty , more primal than the sex drive . Leave a person without food and she becomes grumpy and irritable , but once you give her something to eat , it 's amazing how high those gustatory sensations can take you . Food is one of the basic identifying things of a culture , along with dress and language . American food is high in meats and starches ; Mexican food is high on peppers , corn and beans . We 'll eat foods that feel relatively familiar to us , such as Chinese or Italian foods ; but if it gets too unfamiliar , we want nothing to do with it . Food is one of the ways we can judge who is " in " and who is " out . " And Paul is saying that whatever you think about your food , be firmly convinced in your own mind , but give a break to your neighbor who just doesn 't get it as well as you do . Eat their meat to avoid causing them to stumble ; don 't eat your meat so that you don 't offend them needlessly . ( And don 't you love that he prefaces this whole weak - and - strong - faith discussion with the counsel to love one another ? ) I remember a brief conversation a couple months ago , where the Bible study leader asked us what made us disinclined to like another person , and it played into the issue of clean and unclean . Paul is making the same argument here , or at least a rather related one , that we have no right to shrink away or look down on other people because of those little things that seem so important to us . ( Tattoos , preferring Pete Seeger to Tammy Trent , or actually enjoying listening to Jerry Decker on the Christian radio . ) Another example is one of dress . I remember hearing criticism when I was younger about the way " young people " dressed so inappropriately . Paul essentially would be saying here , " Don 't sweat it so much . It 's not a case of what is inappropriate to you must also be considered inappropriate for her . Each age group has its own standards of modesty and propriety . " I have a few friends who are staunchly conservative . One in particular talks about Patriarchy Done Right , the way God wants it ; he supports the government 's use of torture as an interrogation technique ; and regularly talks about culture wars , and how God has chosen to bless the Republican Party because it has a culture of life . He also has no problem with the government 's rescue plan giving $ 700 billion to wealthy corporations and their heads , because " that 's how the world works . " For that matter , there 's also the issue of how this affects how we approach sharing our faith . What parts of our lives should we be willing to adjust in order to include others outside of our faith . What is not negotiable ? I 'd say issues of justice , but that 's about it . My best friend of 20 years is transgendered . His parents have disowned him , his mother claiming a spiritual obligation to do so ; and his wife has pushed him out of the house and done a lot to cut him out of her life , to the point that she didn 't want to do anything with him for her birthday , but went out with his parents . Earlier , she and his sister planned an entire family visit without telling him about it or involving him at all . I don 't fault my friend 's wife , entirely . It 's a difficult situation she 's in , and very painful for her . But there 's more moralizing and judgment going on here than an attempt to embrace him as he is and seek a solution together . It 's more of a parting of the ways , breaking into two camps and disavowing the legitimacy of the other , and failing to seek a resolution that is not in line with her ( and her mother - and sister - in - law 's ) understanding of what proper Christian behavior from him should entail . I had a friend in college who on principle wouldn 't congratulate someone on having a baby out of wedlock , because they had been sinning . I didn 't even think about it . I congratulated this person at once . I also read the names of AIDS victims when the AIDS quilt came to town , because people had died , leaving holes in the communities where they had lived , and it made sense to grieve with them that grieve . Same reaction when a friend was decloseted to her parents before she was ready , and her life became a living hell while they all reeled at her perceived immorality . Justice , we can 't be silent on . " Justice , justice you shall pursue , " the rabbis conclude is the message of the Torah , and it makes sense to me . Writing a column for the newspaper , you get a feel after a while for what makes people stand up and take notice . I discovered that you can talk frankly about your faith , and people will react in a positive way if you 're saying something meaningful . You can even talk about the True Meaning of Christmas and call people to repentance , and people not only listen , they 'll respect what you have to say . To an extent , though , how much does this matter in our church ? It 's like a sermon series I heard on the book of Galatians two years ago . I don 't recall seeing that much of a works theology at work in our church , nor such rampant legalism . I 'm not cognizant of any real dissonance over doctrine , not like I saw back in college , where every little thing is a matter of Absolute Truth . Or maybe I 'm just projecting , because it doesn 't matter to me for the most part , so I don 't notice when it matters to others until they make it matter to me . And I 'm sufficiently disengaged from evangelical culture to know if doctrinal matters like eternal security , glossolalia , prelapsarianism , and dispensational theology really command people 's attention like they did when I was in college and people considered me unteachable and unspiritual because I rejected hardline Calvinist thinking . At least I never hear people talking about these things after the service . ( Maybe they do in other settings , ) Like many children , my daughter Evangeline has plenty of stuffed animals , none of which has mattered much at all to her . That changed when her grandmother died . Suddenly , Evangeline bonded with a handmade stuffed rabbit that she has had since she was born , which she calls Cinderabbit . Evangeline has slept with Cinderabbit every night since Grandma 's funeral , and for a while took her everywhere she went as well . As my friend Rykie once observed about the divine love that shone through her own imaginary friends , so I have seen with Evangeline and Cinderabbit . Cinderabbit demands nothing in return from Evangeline for the comfort she gives . She stays as close as Evangeline wants , loves her unconditionally , and listens to the moans and sighs Evangeline doesn 't know the words to express . But by and large , Palin succeeded primarily in the sense that she did not ever become totally incomprehensible , and never had to use a lifeline . For the most part , she stuck to campaign talking points , and I was disappointed to hear her repeat things that Sen . John McCain had argued in his debate with Sen . Obama , and things that Sen . Obama had deflected satisfactorily at the time . ( Voting against funding the war , for instance . ) The gap between Sen . Obama and Sen . John McCain is widening , and in Sen . Obama 's favor . If this continues , I 've little doubt that he 's going to win the popular vote . Whether that carries into winning the election as well may be another matter . The line comes of course from " Old Yeller , " one of the best stories ever told in the English language about a boy and his dog . The book is set in Texas , not long after the Civil War . The boy 's name is Travis , his little brother 's name is Arliss ; and the dog comes into their lives while the father is on a cattle drive up north . Even if you 've never read the book , you probably know what happens to the dog , and what Travis ' mother told his father once he returned from the cattle drive . Until her grandmother died , none of Evangeline 's stuffed animals mattered much at all to her . Then , suddenly , she bonded to a handmade stuffed rabbit she had had since she was born , which she calls Cinderabbit . Evangeline has slept with Cinderabbit every night since Grandma 's funeral , and for a while took her everywhere she went as well . As Rykie observed with her imaginary friends , so I have seen with Evangeline and Cinderabbit . Cinderabbit demands nothing in return from Evangeline for the comfort she gives . She stays as close as Evangeline wants , loves her unconditionally , and listens to the moans and sighs Evangeline doesn 't know the words to express . She couldn 't be any more real if her coat were made of velveteen . I 'm sorry , but did I miss something when I read that book ? It 's like any number of other children 's books , particularly by Roald Dahl . Boy has a miserable life . Someone intervenes , and the boy is able to escape his misery . He goes on an adventure , where there are dangers , but his quick mind and resourcefulness save both him and his companions . What 's wrong with that ? It floors me when people want to ban books . I haven 't read all the books on that list , but I 've read a good deal of them , and none of them seemed remotely worthy of being banned . I can 't even see them as objectionable . Many of these are books that I would consider " must - reads . " Many others fall under " Yeah , I really ought to read that . " Maybe part of the issue is ambiguity in what the ALA means by " banned books . " There 's banning in the sense that firemen come to your house and douse your private library with kerosense , and there 's banning in the sense of " I don 't want that in my house " or " You shouldn 't read that . " Perhaps " banning " is too strong a word for that sense , but in any event I can 't see telling people not to read most of these books either . As every Star Wars fan knows , lightsabers can cut through everything . And as every comics fanboy knows , adamantium is the nearly indestructible metal used in Marvel Comics . Ultron the genocidal robot has been made of it since the alloy was first discovered . Wolverine 's skeleton is laced with it , which makes him even tougher . Just about anyone whom the writers and editors at Marvel want to make more dangerous , has access to it . Still , while adamantium is nearly indestructible , the key word is " nearly . " The metallurgist who created it did so in an attempt to recreate the unique alloy in Captain America 's shield . He failed . In the Marvel Universe , the shield remains the strongest alloy in existence . The shield has been broken only once that I 'm aware of . At the conclusion of the 11th issue of the Secret Wars miniseries back in the 1984 , Doctor Doom killed Spider - man , the Hulk , and those members of the Fantastic Four , X - men and Avengers who were present with a single bolt from the blue . When they were all restored to life in issue 12 , Captain America 's shield had a long shard missing . I 'm not opposed to the government stepping in and bailing out some of the financial giants that have gone down the past week . When your patient has gone into cardiac arrest , you need to keep the heart functioning . The financial sector is the heart of our economy . What I object to is that there has been little effort made to provide support for Joe and Jane America who have lost their homes in this bubble burst . The benefit they will receive from this will amount to the " trickle down , " which is to say that it does not exist . Those who do stand to benefit are the power brokers and uberwealthy whose decisions and actions put the economy into this mess . This is the government once more taking the side of the wealthy . The economic effect of the bailout would have the same effect by bailing out homeowners , with the additional benefit of allowing working class homeowners to remain in their homes . This has been rejected for reasons that elude me . Discussions instead center on allowing homeowners to be thrown out of their homes , and protecting the brokers whose irresponsibility created the market crash . This may be how the world works , and how it always has worked , but I see no reason why we should tolerate or accept it , nor that we should facilitate it . Our government was founded to protect the people from tyranny , and that includes economic and financial tyranny as well as political . It is within the purview of the government , in granting the emergency aid , to lay down stipulations for receiving that aid . That includes " No bonus for failing . " The people who have presided over the crash of WaMu , Lehman Bros . , AIG and the others are not entitled to turn a hefty profit over their greed and incompetence . The U . S . Government was , the last I knew , planning a rescue operation that would reward them personally for their failure , and then close the barn door after all the horses had left , so there would be no more golden parachutes for later failures . When the Lamb opened the third seal , I heard the third living creature say , " Come ! " I looked , and there before me was a black horse ! Its rider was holding a pair of scales in his hand . Then I heard what sounded like a voice among the four living creatures , saying , " A quart of wheat for a day 's wages , and three quarts of barley for a day 's wages , and do not damage the oil and the wine ! " Still , it 's hard not to see some divine action in here . God has used us to judge and lay low a number of empires and evil regimes the last hundred years or more . It 's not hard to picture him saying , " And now I shall judge the ax . " A group of us had taken a tour of a private school with LEEDS Platinum certification , to get a sense of what could be done to make the charter school greener . We went back to the house of the new principal to debrief and discuss our impressions , and he offered a variety of wines and beers . I picked a beer , and although I thought I went slowly , I also hadn 't eaten anything all day . Bad move . I realized about halfway down the bottle that my eyes were semi - glazed , and I was having trouble sitting up in the chair . I immediately slowed down on the drinking , said little , and waited for my head to clear . We finally left the house about 90 minutes later , so I had plenty of time to detox . There is , however , one book that stands out as an exception to this rule . Not even English class at John Paul College could dim the torch of this book as its light flickered through the dreary annals of required reading . That book was William Golding 's " Lord of the Flies . " It 's a short book , probably not even 200 pages , but I remember being fascinated by the stark realism that permeated the book . As the story begins , a group of boys has been stranded on an island with no adults . The boys , three of whom are named after major characters in " Coral Island , " plan to establish a utopian society on this island while they wait for adults to come and rescue them . There 's fresh water to drink , there are pigs they can kill for meat , and fruit they can eat , and one of the boys has Coke bottle glasses they can use to start fires when they need to . But there are signs early on that their society will be less utopian than they intend . Without the restraining influence of adults , the boys ' behavior becomes wilder , more dangerous , and angrier . Soon there is Betrayal . Torture . Murder . The boys soon split into two tribes , and under the sway of their leader , the tribe of choirboys launches a war of extinction against the other . Eric Ziolkowski , my religion professor freshman year of college , cited " Lord of the Flies " as an example of the Christian doctrine that human nature is depraved . With a chuckle he described the book 's view as pessimistic , and got a huge laugh . From what I could tell , I was the only one in the class to think Golding 's depiction of human nature was pretty accurate . It would be nice to think that violence and hatred - - and their close cousin , callous indifference - - don 't come naturally to us , that , as Lieutenant Joe declaims in " South Pacific , " such values have to be carefully instilled . It would be nice to believe in the noble savage , ruined by corrupt civilization . Life has taught me otherwise . It is not society that is corrupt but we ourselves . Society , if anything , acts as a deterrent . The evidence lies no farther away than the nearest school . I 've often suspected that people who talk about socialization as a benefit of public education either didn 't attend a public school , or were part of the group that made it hell for the rest of us . In my recollection , at least , it was no picnic . It was in sixth grade that one of my classmates decided it would be funny to put pins into the cap of his pen and stab people in the rear end with them between classes , when teachers couldn 't see what he was doing . Another schoolmate , when he was 17 , picked up two 12 - year - old girls at the mall , and took them both back to his home where he raped and murdered them both . It wasn 't just where I grew up , either . A few years ago , a senior in Norde Bastille beat a freshman so badly the younger student had to be taken to the hospital , all because he had moved the senior 's book bag out of the way so he could seat down and eat lunch . If it was anything like the fights they used to have in my high school , teachers had to force their way through a crowd of spectators packed shoulder to shoulder at least six people deep . Nobody has to teach children to hog all the best toys and refuse to share . That 's just natural and - - God help us - - even logical . It makes sense . At least to some degree , we have to be selfish in order to survive . But human nature goes deeper than that . No one needs to teach us how to be petty , cruel and vicious either . Every child wants to be well liked , but for some reason most children also want to decrease the popularity , esteem and success of others . When we enter preschool or kindergarten , I doubt very many of us are reminded by our parents to call another child a " poo - poo head . " We just do it . The school bully who shakes down smaller kids for their lunch money isn 't strapped for cash . He 's doing it because he enjoys the rush he gets from causing fear and humiliation . And that 's what is so engaging and so chilling about " The Lord of the Flies . " We live it . It doesn 't matter if you 're in church , Sunday school , or at a soccer game . Children are never more than a few minutes from anarchy and savagery . All that holds them in check is the presence of a mature adult to remind them how they should behave . Let the adult leave the room for a minute , and the savagery emerges . Sometimes it 's only spitballs and cruel names , but sometimes it 's much more . And sometimes , it doesn 't even matter if the adult has left the room . You 're not going to find " Lord of the Flies " kept in a genre any more specific than fiction , or ( more deservedly ) literature , but the truth is that it 's horror through and through . Literary convention may have persuaded us that a book must use preternatural monsters to externalize the human condition , but those boys show a true face of humanity , unpleasant as it is . The phrase " man 's inhumanity to man " is a strange one , as " inhumanity " seems to be one of the hallmarks of humanity . A week after we marked the seventh anniversary of the attack on the Twin Towers , Jon Stewart made a sobering point on The Daily Show about 9 - 11 and all the battles that have been waged because of it . " Nineteen people flew into the towers . It seems hard for me to imagine that we could go to war enough to make the world safe enough that nineteen people wouldn 't want to do harm to us . " Obviously , we can 't . We won 't stop violence by answering it with more violence , but we also won 't stop it by ignoring it . The truth is , we simply won 't stop it , period . All it takes for violence to occur is a single man with a gun , or even a kid with a baseball bat . I do not understand what I do . For what I want to do I do not do , but what I hate I do . And if I do what I do not want to do , I agree that the law is good . As it is , it is no longer I myself who do it , but it is sin living in me . I know that nothing good lives in me , that is , in my sinful nature . For I have the desire to do what is good , but I cannot carry it out . For what I do is not the good I want to do ; no , the evil I do not want to do - this I keep on doing . Now if I do what I do not want to do , it is no longer I who do it , but it is sin living in me that does it . So I find this law at work : When I want to do good , evil is right there with me . For in my inner being I delight in God 's law ; but I see another law at work in the members of my body , waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members . What a wretched man I am ! Who will rescue me from this body of death ? Paul answers his question in verse 25 , when he says " Thanks be to God - through Jesus Christ our Lord ! " And of course there are plenty of examples of dramatic changes touted by deliverance ministries . You know the sort of thing : the drug addict who suddenly finds that heroin no longer holds an attraction ; the alcoholic who stops drinking cold turkey ; the abuser who suddenly realizes what a cad he 's been to his family , and changes . I see Paul as someone who , as a Pharisee , earnestly desired to know God . He studied the Torah , memorized whole portions of the Tanakh , and undoubtedly was recognized as an up - and - coming rabbinical authority . His ambition was to serve God zealously by jealously observing the Torah and allowing no sin to enter his life . Jesus talks about change as well , obviously , a shift from outward adherence to a code , to inward attention to the heart and the attitudes that manifest themselves in behaviors . Don 't just keep from killing people ; you also have to avoid hating them . Don 't just settle for only the just penalty the law allows ( an eye for an eye was actually a rather liberal , soft - on - crime position for that point in history , where you could kill someone for personal injury ) ; instead , forgive those who hurt you . It 's easy to rely on the flesh , on our own earthly efforts or will , and to see it as evidence that God is working in us , to change us . I have a friend who gives great credit to Jesus for his formidable self - control . He has a tremendous problem with anger - - he can 't stand when someone criticizes him or disagrees too sharply - - so over the years he has learned to tamp down the volcano of white - hot rage , which he sees as sanctification . He is , after all , not exploding at people - not usually , anyway - but you can see the anger simmering just beneath the surface . I was taught early on in my Christian years that Judaism was a dry and lifeless religion , obsessed with rules and laws that we aren 't obligated to follow . Aside from mischaracterizing Judaism , the people pushing this particular view also often pushed strict rules and requirements in terms of Christian behavior . That 's pretty minor stuff , though ; I don 't know that we have many people at our church who deal with legalism that shallow . To the extent that legalism is a problem , I expect it 's more doctrinal and internal than behavioral . I 'm reminded of a book by Larry Crab called " The Pressure 's Off . " In it , Crab talks about people who ironically live lives of quiet subjugation to the Law , even as they claim to be free of it . Ask Natasha and myself about our children and why they 're well - behaved , and you 'll probably hear me say something about the amount of time we spend with them , reading books , playing games , involving them in running the household , and being involved with their lives . It 's all by the grace of Christ that they 're turning out so well , because we 've been doing what we 're supposed to as parents . ( And I love to hear what a great dad I am , and that my kids are turning out great . ) That my girls do as well as they do is an act of grace . I 've known other parents who do everything right , and still have a horrifically hard time with their kids . The rule of influence remains in place , but the Law does not shape how things work ; if it did , no adult would be functionally sane , because our parents all failed in crucial ways according to the Law . And of course that can be crushingly painful . I have a dear friend in Georgia who is gay , and her mother seems to take it as a personal indictment of herself as a parent . " If I had done a better job , my daughter wouldn 't be a lesbian . " You know the sort of thing I 'm talking about : Christ fulfilled the sacrificial law , and the ceremonial law was only for a different dispensation , but the moral law remains in effect and binding upon us today , which is where we go to give one another all the tsursis we do over behaviors we find objectionable . The Israelites made no such distinction , and neither does Paul . His argument is that all the Torah was fulfilled in Christ , and so we are free from all its demands so that we may live in the Spirit instead . Or to use the example of my TG friend . The moralistic stand is to say this right or wrong ; a better , more christocentric response is to walk with my friend , stay close , and not let the moral issues of right or wrong enter the relationship . By seeing my friend as a person - - by seeing him as Christ , honestly , which he is either in acts of sin ( which Christ has identified with ) , or in righteousness ( for all our righteousness gains meaning in Christ ) or really just in being human ( for Christ became human and identified with us in all our shame ) - - I can escape , hopefully , the pitfall of self - righteous judgmentalism , and be the voice of Christ in his life , because I don 't cast him aside over something that I disagree with him on . The beauty of the gospel is that we all have beauty and value , no matter how we vote , what we eat , how we look , or what we do . The struggle I find I have more is keeping the attitude of Jesus even toward people who encourage behavior or attitudes contrary to what he teaches . Political example , just because it 's been on my mind a lot lately . We 're engaged in a war right now , in Iraq , that is unjust by any standard I 'm aware of for just wars . Iraq never attacked us , nor from what we can tell did it even pose any threat to us when we massed our troops at its borders and then spilled them in . An economic example , since that is also on my mind a lot . Our nation has a problem with runaway consumerism and has for years . We consume vast amounts of the world 's resources for no reason other than that we can , and to do it , we 've pushed wages down abysmally low overseas . Workers drip sweat in the fields and children lose fingers in sweatshops so we can have low - cost clothing and DVD players that we 'll throw out when we feel we 've used them up . And yet I still hear people spewing nonsense about it being our right to squander our resources , get exorbitant salaries and golden parachutes for failure . And despite the lip service we all give to protecting the environment , I don 't see many people making even half the effort that my family and I have made to reduce the amount of trash we throw out . ( Check the garbage can after church some day - - wasted food and drink , wasted paper that could have been recycled , and a barrel load of trash after a two - hour worship meeting . That just isn 't right . Those are resources we 're squandering . ) And yet , you know something I 've noticed ? Jesus can be pretty kind to the Pharisees too . He ate with them , accepted their invitations to go to their houses , and didn 't mind having late - night discussions with them . He only got impatient with them over their judgmentalism . Aside from some admittedly spectacular repudiations , he treated them as kindly as he did the lepers , prostitutes and Samaritans who came to see him . He never even called Caiaphas or Annas names for arresting him . John 14 : 15 - 16 gives another example of how the Spirit is the key to obeying God and to true transformation . In that example , the context is about Jesus being the Way to the Father , and the talk about vines and branches . " I tell you the truth , anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing . He will do even greater things than these , because I am going to the Father . " I think that one thing the Law does , is it keeps us focused on ourselves and our misguided sense of our own importance and righteousness . " I did what you wanted , why aren 't you doing what I want ? " And of course there 's a whole cottage industry of this snake - oil in American Christianity . We have preachers telling us how to raise our children so they 're guaranteed to turn out right , peddlers of a false gospel telling us how to make God make us rich , and other shysters and con men telling us how to be healed or delivered from our problems , and always if we fail , the answer is : It 's your fault . You didn 't have enough faith or follow what the Bible says . I think we drift to the Law because its measurable benchmarks are easier to relate to . It 's easy to tell if you 've committed adultery , and to pride yourself on not having done so . It 's not so easy to say " I 've never been drawn intensely to someone other than my spouse . "
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So I said below that sometimes I wish I were an ecologist , but genetic and molecular biology sure does get its perks . Maybe when I graduate I 'll sign on with the new group to map the genome of the cocoa bean , which I 'm sure would mean I 'd get complimentary chocolate for life . I was going to write a nice little essay on genomes and why you should all care about them , but I think I 'll hold off on that for another day . This is enough science for one day - and I have things to do this afternoon . Debriefing will occur later . Signing off . Every so often I wish I were an ecologist . I love my molecular and microbiology , but macrobiology is cool in a completely new way ! Not only are scientists still discovering completely new species , but they are discovering completely new species that have amazing features like we 've never seen before . Take , for example , this newly discovered frog that lives happily in the jungles of South America , just like all its other little frog relatives - except for the minor detail that all other frogs have lungs . This one doesn 't . He survives , as far as we can tell , by absorbing oxygen through his skin . He lives in fast - moving streams , which is important because the speed of the water mixes more oxygen in , and essentially allows this frog to breathe underwater . I 'm kind of jealous . Harry Potter probably could have used this ability in the Goblet of Fire , when he had to swim deep underwater . I bet he would have liked it better than growing gills . So , back to the discovery of new species . It 's a very exciting , and it never ceased to amaze me how much biodiversity there is on this planet . But it 's always good to remember that the terms " species " and " genus " ( along with its unusual plural " genera " ) are man - made devices to describe what we 're seeing . Quite often , most animals and almost all plants go about their merry way , reproducing with whomever they like , even if they happen to be crossing the not - so - sacred boundaries of what humans have designated as different species . That 's just how evolution is . It 's more of a big , gradual shift in characteristics across the whole tree of life than it is concrete designations . But I think that kind of adds to the fun . Also , bonus points if you can catch the pun in the title . Sometime at the beginning of this year , a small lab was cleared out and turned into a room for the microscopes and microscope related equipment . Since I use microscopes a decent amount and most of the other kids in the lab do not , this became essentially my lab - mine and Dr . J 's . It 's pretty small , but it 's kind of nice to have my own space . This is my light microscope , the more high - tech one : After we got things kind of moved in , Dr . J left me a list of things to do on the whiteboard . After a couple of days , I noticed that someone had added to the list . Item 4 was not there originally : Now , knowing the character who was responsible for this addition , I was not surprised at all and I rolled my eyes a little . A few days later , I noticed on Facebook that he had demanded brownies from another girl who used to be in our program . Later in the semester , this announcement appeared on the whiteboard in the main lab : When Dr . C saw it , he found a few pennies in his pocket to donate to the worthy cause . I assume he was hoping Jared would use them to go on a date and get rid of his status as a bachelor . Dr . M tried to convince Jared that I had spit in the bag , but fortunately that was not very believable . What was believable was when this notice appeared on the lab whiteboard a while later : Heh . Someone tried changing the greater than sign to be a less than sign , and erased the 5 . But Jared , with his sharp acumen , noticed and changed it back . I have to hand it to him - he 's persistent . Also , to be fair , he 's the only on who remembered my birthday in the lab , and even made brownies to bring up . He planned to take a special courier bag to campus instead of his backpack for easier brownie transportation . He got to campus , looked into the courier bag , and discovered that he had left the brownies at home . But we 'll give him an " A " for effort . Last night , I spent some time talking to a good friend who 's studying to take the GRE , or graduate records exam , in preparation to go to grad school . He was a little concerned about his potential performance on the math section , since his math is a little rusty . In an effort to cheer him up , I told him how low my math score was on the GRE - a pretty low percentile . I don 't feel like posting just how low it was . But , on the bright side , I scored in a very high percentile with my verbal part of the test . And my essays got one mark below a perfect score . At this point in the conversation , we both realized that based on my GRE score , nobody would place me in the sciences for advanced study . In fact , I got comments about my scores when I spoke with professors from different schools about attending their programs . Fortunately , nobody saw fit to use my test score to prevent me from getting accepted to their program . However , I 've been thinking about it a bit today , and I really am a little surprised that I ended up studying science . I love it passionately , don 't get me wrong . Anyone who 's seen me give a presentation on my research or sub a class for a professor can attest that I get maybe even a little too excited about it ( my little sisters probably have something to say about this , too , when they come to me for biology and chemistry homework help ) . But , I 'm really a right - brained person . Numbers and other sciency things are not my forte . They 're not even my mezzo - forte . Maybe a mezzo - piano . Yet , here I am . Somehow I didn 't wind up studying humanities , although I find the written word and studying languages and history fascinating . One of my guilty pleasures is reading dictionaries for fun to learn new words . I didn 't end up in a music - based major , although I 've pursued music as much as I could in college , playing my flute in the nonaudition groups and taking music lessons . Nope , I am a botanist and a geneticist . I assure you there was no pressure at home to pursue either of these majors . So , I find myself to be something oPosted by Once again , I assert that the value of good friends who sustain good relationships cannot be overrated . Their value is greater than that of any worldly wealth . Yay for siblings , roommates , and colleagues who have been my life preservers while I swim . Sometimes life is hard . Really , really hard . Sometimes it 's hard to see the forest for the trees . Sometimes , even when you know there 's a light at the end of the tunnel , the tunnel is so long that you can 't see the light . Sometimes the Lord lets the storm rage and just lets us swim to see how far we can get . I hope I make it to dry land . It 's interesting - the older I get , the more respect and love I have for my dad . He is a man of unbelievable patience , longsuffering , intelligence , and goofy humor . Life has not really dealt him an easy hand . But he has done amazing things with what he 's been given . When I think of my dad , I think of : - math help in junior high and high school . We all took it for granted that Dad would be there to help us figure out the wiles of algebra , trig , and calculus , and he was ! Sometimes late into the night . And he never got fed up with us , even though I probably deserved it sometimes when it was 11 PM and I was pouting . - Long , thoughtful discussion and discourses about the gospel during family scripture study . This was something I came to appreciate more the older I got . When I started taking seminary classes in ninth grade , my teacher was impressed by the depth of my scriptural knowledge , something I can mostly chalk up to my dad 's tutoring . - Laughter ! My dad has one specific laugh that I just love - it 's his laugh for when something so unexpected and so surprising and so delightfully funny happens that he can 't help but burst out with a laugh . Also , for a while when I was a teenager , there was an unintentional Sunday dinner tradition that Dad would start telling a joke , but have to re - start it several times before making it all the way through the punchline because he 'd be laughing so hard . Usually Tim was sitting next to him and Tim would also start laughing , which would make Dad laugh harder . The rest of us would usually start giggling in sympathy after a while . The jokes were never as funny as watching Dad and Tim laugh . - Piano music . He doesn 't have as much time for it as he used to , but I have wonderful memories of " dancing " around the living room while Dad played the piano when I was a child . He really was quite an accomplished pianist - and still is , although his skills are a little rusty at present . One thing that makes me more nostalgic than just about anything else is hearing Chopin piano pieces . - A sense of humor . Posted by Last weekend was the first campout of the summer ! One beautiful thing about living right by the mountains is that decent campgrounds can be reached by driving for less than half an hour . Very good . The participants in this campout were me , Katherine , Kent , Curtis , and Angi . Angi and I felt kind of left out because our names don 't start with a " k " sound . It rained all week but the forecast claimed that it would be dry Friday afternoon to Saturday afternoon . We decided to believe this and headed up the canyon . Katherine packed plenty of food and Curtis did his best to eat as much as possible . He also brought a large knife and we tried to think of good uses for it . At one point we saw a deer and we thought he could catch it and gut it for our dinner . In the end , we settled for hot dogs . It was an enjoyable evening . I kept waking up during the night and giggling to myself over the memory of the witty conversation that we 'd had around the campfire . However , early Saturday morning we discovered that the weather forecast was WRONG ! ( I guess I souldn 't really be surprised ) . There was the sound of merry , unrelenting rain upon the tent . Fortunately , both the girls ' tent and Kent 's tarp did their job well and kept us all dry . Katherine and I went on an early morning walk and almost lost our shoes in the mud . Yum . We heated up water for cooking eggs and having hot chocolate . Kent drowned his sorrows in the bottom of a bottle of cherry soda . I 'm not sure what his sorrows were , but he sure did finish off that soda . Then Katherine got a little exuberant with the hot chocolate powder and the result was more chocolate than hot . Sadly , I do not own water - repellent glasses . And my rain poncho was at home , doing me a lot of good . We were at the top of the foothills , right by the mountains , and it looked like the rainclouds were going to come right down and eat us . We canceled out planned morning hike and got back to our hot showers early . Angi wisely stayed in the tent in her sleeping bag until the last possible minute and made a dash for tPosted by Several days ago while I was paying a trip to the greenhouses , I noticed that some of the horticulture people had been working with plants and tossed several perfectly good stems of blooming geraniums into the trash . Not wanting to waste the bright red flowers , I picked them out and took them back to the lab , where I put them in a coplin jar full of water . They withered a few days later , I tossed them out , and kind of forgot about it . Then on Tuesday , I came up to the lab and discovered a huge red amaryllis sitting in a flask - right by my work station . Today , it is even accompanied by roses in a beaker : I 'm not sure who 's behind this and if they are intentionally leaving the flowers by my workbench or not , but I 'm sure getting a kick out of it . Update : The flowers are courtesy of our Bolivian grad student , Amalia . Now I 'm really not sure why they 're by my workbench instead of hers . She does work with chloroform a lot . . . maybe she was afraid the fumes would be bad for the flowers . I know they 're bad for me . : - ) I just thought you would all like to know that I finished crocheting my box - stitch blanket and tested it out by sleeping under it the last two nights . It seems to be functional . That is all . My friend Steve has , upon seeing various quotes appear in the tagline of my Gmail account , encouraged me to start coming up with a quote of the day . That 's probably not going to happen . But I have found a few good quotes that are probably worth sharing . Here 's my first one , which is my current tagline : " Property and mines of wealth are not to be compared to the worth of knowledge . " - Brigham YoungGood ol ' Brother Brigham . I bet he 's pleased with the university that bears his name . I have been reading a book lately that I 'm pretty sure is going to be established as one of my long - term favorites , good for reading and good for referencing . It is " The Broken Heart : Applying the Atonement to Life 's Experiences " by Bruce C . Hafen , who is a member of the First Quorum of the Seventy in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter - day Saints . He is one of my favorite church authors because his writing style is so good to read . And , as a verse that I never noticed before in the Book of Mormon , in Jacob 4 : 12 puts is , " why not speak of the atonement of Christ , and attain to a perfect knowledge of Him , as to attain to the knowledge of a resurrection and the world to come ? " Why not , indeed ? Why not speak of the most glorious event to take place in the history of God 's creation , which is a much larger time frame than I can think in . I used to have a rather unfortunate view of the atonement , which was essentially that God was going to call me out on my sins and make me repent , which was a word I recoiled from in fear . However , one of the most beautiful things that has taken place in my life is the beginning of an understanding that this is completely not the case . Repenting means changing anything in our natures that is contrary to God 's will . It means opening our hearts wide open and letting the Savior in to purify the gold he finds there . This is a scary thing to do . But it is very worthwhile . With this opening of our hearts to God , many blessings on top of repentance become available . Elder Hafen quotes a scripture from Isaiah in the introduction of his book , found in chapter 61 : The spirit of the Lord is upon me , because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel unto the poor , he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted , to preach deliverance to the captives , and recovering of sight to the blind , and to set at liberty them that are bruised . To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion , to give unto them beauty for ashes , the oil of joy for mourning , the garments of praise for the spirit of heaviness . " The emphases are ElPosted by When I was a young thing , it was generally understood in my family that it was wisdom to not play Scrabble with Becca or Monopoly with Matt . I believe these games were a sign of things to come , because Becca went on to get a degree in English and Matt majored in economics . There were no games that I was the master of , although I did memorize a children 's botanical encyclopedia when I was six and go on to get a degree in plant biology . No one would ever have contests with me to see who knew the most about plants , though . Depressing . I digress . It is interesting to me that while I have never developed a love for Monopoly ( maybe this had to do with the fact that the games took so long and required some sort of monetary prowess which I did not possess . Also , Matt did possess this prowess , and loved playing the game so much that he would give people loans when they ran out of money just so he could keep playing ) , I did develop a love for Scrabble , and by association , other excellent word games such as Boggle . I can even kind of hold my own against Becca now , and we all actually enjoy playing together , even if I don 't win ( this might be a good place to insert , before my older siblings can , that I used to be a holy terror to play games with . In fact , for a while , if it looked like I was losing - which was often - then I would be granted points just for not throwing a temper tantrum . Luckily for all , those days have been in the past for well over a decade now ) . Upon moving away from home , I discovered that I had a sad shortage of games in my possession . So , seeking to remedy this , Santa kindly gave me my very own Scrabble board and Boggle box for Christmas a year and a half ago . This pleased me greatly ! However , I have , since then , come to the alarming realization that not all of the excellent people of my acquaintance enjoy games such as these . So I am on the hunt now for such people . I am looking forward to visiting Becca in a month , because I know she 'll play with me . But is there anyone a little closer than California whPosted by Agriculture is such an important part of any culture that ancient cultures built up deities to bless their crops . The Greeks had their goddess Ceres , goddess of grains , and the origin of our word cereal . They also worshiped a lesser - known god named Robigus who protected their crops from devastating diseases , including the prevalent wheat rust . So many nations and cultures have risen , fallen , and been irrevocably altered by the plants they rely on for survival . With the stratification of our society and the removal of the people from the land , I think that most Americans take that for granted any more . They forget about things like the Irish potato famine , caused by the late blight phytopthora , which destroyed millions of tons of potatoes , eliminating the food supply for millions of people and leading millions to starve to death and millions more to immigrate to America . All because those millions of people lived off of essentially one food - the potato . People also forget , if they ever knew , that the potato is in fact indigenous to South America , and before the Renaissance explorers made their way to the New World , none of the Irish poor had ever seen a potato , much less eaten one . I wonder what they lived off of then ? The potato is not the only plant discovered in the New World that changed the lives of countless people . Tomatoes are also New World natives , along with cocoa beans , squashes and gourds including cucumbers , zucchini , and pumpkins , maize , tobacco , and rubber trees . The conquistadors , being closely connected to the land , saw the value in these new plants and sent them back to their homes where they quickly became ingrained in European life . However , one plant that played a major role in the lives of the Incas did not get sent to Europe . This was a tall , thin plant with small seeds used like a grain , and it was called quinoa . Before the arrival of the Europeans , quinoa played a central role in the lives of the people who lived in and around the Andes . It was one of their top staples , along with potatoes , mPosted by The most beautiful sound I ever heardAll the beautiful sounds of the world in a single wordMaria ! I just met a girl named MariaAnd suddenly that name will never be the same to meMaria ! Say it loud and there 's music playingSay it soft , and it 's almost like prayingMaria ! I 'll never stop saying Maria - West Side Story , Lyrics by Stephen Sondheim
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I will be brief in my re - cap and how Dr . Anagnost , our ortho in Tulsa who followed Jeremy gave me the advice to find someone who does this often , and they are equipped to deal with Jeremy in case something happens , he said there are no guarantees and that way you have no regrets . I prayed for GOD to heal J 's spine without surgery but if surgery was required then to help me find who he has picked out . I commented many times that Columbia , Missouri wasn 't on my radar but that is where we landed , that is where GOD wants us and under the care of Dr . Daniel Hoernschemeyer . When , Jeremy had his first surgery last August things didn 't go as we had expected but through a difficult , stressful time I had peace . I knew J was where he needed to be , that I never doubted , under the care of Dr . Dan . When you see a Doctor clear hallways , hold elevator doors , stays with your son while they are doing an MRI , talks to you after , openly admits not only is he going to pray for your son 's recovery but is asking his friends to pray for your son 's recovery , and the day he sends you home the last thing he says , " I am going to see J through this " and he followed through with that statement . The day we returned to see Dr . Dan on September 27 , we had communicated the past 6 weeks , he knew J had recovered his motor skills and was walking . I had emailed him pictures and sent videos . To see the look on his face when he was walking down the hall and he seen Jeremy get up , shut the office door was priceless . I named him J 's Super - hero , Dr . Dan . . . . . . Dr . Dan had given it a great deal of thought and prayer to come up with a new plan . J go in traction for 16 days to naturally relax and stretch his spine , then he would do the spinal fusion surgery . The time during the traction , J was doing well , no neurological issues and Dr . Dan was hopeful that he would get some correction and especially in the lower to fix the leg length difference . I don 't need to re - create the events of a surgery that it didn 't go well . They called me to tell me that Dr . Dan waLora L Roberts Most toddlers go through this , " why " phase , why is the sky blue ? why do the birds sing ? , why , mom ? why dad ? , why ? I often vision as much as Jeremy jabbers that he is often time saying that to me . Today , is my season of why ? , why does J have a sensitive spine ? why surgery in August , he made a full recover , why are we going down the same path ? he did so well with halo traction , why didn 't surgery go as we expected ? why are we removing the halo ? and why am I feeling the same way I did in August ? Why is J going to have to rebuild lost gross motor skills ? will he be able to rebuild them this time ? will J walk again ? be the mobile little boy that I am use to ? that so many people say , wow he is fast , he must wear you out , yes he often times does but consider the alternative ? Did I do something wrong ? maybe I didn 't pray enough ? not seek God 's guidance more ? Maybe sometimes things happen that we will understand better by and by but for this time in our life , this season it 's not meant to understand but trust God . The halo was removed this morning . We will be doing an MRI tomorrow . They are lowering J 's blood pressure medicine and he is almost down to 1 and the plan by tomorrow is to be off all . We also today are trying to give him valium instead of morphine for pain , he 's tolerated it fine . He is drinking by mouth , had drank apple juice , milk , pedialyte so they will advance diet as tolerated . I must admit the removal of the halo , once again signals a bittersweet moment in our life , we are happy to see it gone , I know Jeremy is , but it once agains signal change , a season of change , that once again plans didn 't go as we would have expected , hoped and wanted . Yesterday was just a fairly slow day , J was in recovery mode . He would sleep off and on , it was a game to keep his pain under control and blood pressure from being too low . The circulation in his legs is better today and they can feel his pulse , yesterday they had to use pulse finder . He moves his toes when tickled or pinched but still no leg movement . This morning he got a bath , and smelled so good , got his hair washed and baby lotion . He is moving himself around the bed , and is more feisty . They are in the process of weaning him off of his blood pressure meds and his blood pressure remains stable . They are lowering one pain meds . Dr . Dan came by this afternoon , showed me what he was speaking about the screw that was in the wrong place . He wrote orders for PT to get him up , in his back brace and J tolerated sitting up for over 35 minutes , think he might have done longer so that was good and his BP was stable . They put him back in bed and he literally passed out , he was exhausted . Dr . Dan ordered an MRI for tomorrow and wants to compare it to the one we did last year . J was given 3 pints of blood during surgery , which is lot but he 's not had anymore and his blood work is looking good . Continue to pray for J to recovery , continue to maintain his blood pressure and for leg health to return and him start working them legs . Posted by We all know that you can 't go to a medical book and find a chapter titled , " Jeremy " or " Jeremy Ray " or " J " . You can read about hydrocephalus , A - corpus callosum , J 's heart defect , FG syndrome . One reason I keep his blog is to hopefully provide some hope for other families who have children with special needs , that like J write their own book and provide some positive hope . Though there are " up " days , there are also " down , frustrating " days and life offers us no guarantees for any of us . It all works to the good of our those who love GOD and GOD who loves us . My plan is to put these thoughts into a book , that can also provide to professionals what families like J deals with , the day to day of living in Jeremy world . J is J and he has always not done things as we hoped , wanted or expected but then again he has exceeded many more expectations . I could almost copy the posting from back on August 6 , 2010 , for his anterior release with a few minor changes . One thing I don 't have to change is , the day didn 't go as I expected , the hopes I had and the disappointments . Jeremy , was taken back about 8am , they hooked up all the sensor - monitors and IV 's . Jeremy responded to traction well , better than I even imagined he would , like a champion , it never slowed him down and his spine was relaxing and stretching . Dr . Dan was fairly optimistic that he would get some correction and truly wanted to get enough in the lower extremity to correct J 's leg length difference . I wanted that for J , to gain what height he could , not so J could be viewed by the world as normal because , the GOD who created this complex world , me , you , also created Jeremy . The bible tells us we were created in his imagine , so by GOD 's standards and J 's mom standards J is normal . Jeremy has a sensitive spine , that was determined at the last surgery but since he was tolerating the traction so well I was hopeful . I could almost tell by the look on Dr . Dan 's face and eyes , he was frustrated , things didn 't go accordingly and I didn 't want to hear what he said . I wouldnPosted by Dr . Nelle , our resident came in this morning about 6am , we were already up , Jeremy woke up in a happy mood . Dr . Nelle marked his back . Jeremy was in a good mood . I 've been trying to give him short explanation , that Dr . Dan will remove the halo today , and fix his back , he knew there was something going on and didn 't want me to leave , which upset me . They took Jeremy down to the OR about 7am , and at 7 : 30am they took him back , they let me walk with him as far as I could . The nurse just came and told me that they have given him the medicine , he is out and Dr . Dan is getting ready to start surgery . Tomorrow is surgery day , an event that was put in motion last August when I heard the words I could have lived the rest of my life without hearing , " Jeremy 's spine has progressed rapidly and rotated inward , it 's time to seek correction " . It started my research of scolliosis , not that I hadn 't already , but also a mission of finding the physican to do this procedure . My prayer to GOD was , " please heal Jeremy 's spine without surgery , but if it 's your will to heal with surgery intervention please help me to find that surgeon you have picked out " . GOD did just that and that is how we landed at The University of Missouri Children 's Hospital under the care of Dr . Daniel Hoernschemeyer , aka Dr . Dan , J 's super - hero . I have been prepared for this day for a long time , back in August I was ready to close the chaper in our live , but God had other plans , I don 't know why it happened like it did but I know God had a plan and a reason for us to go home , recover and come back . Jeremy has responded so well to traction , again beyond my thoughts . I sit in my room , here my son tracking down the hall at a fast speed in a walker , dragging 16 pounds and hear , " Hi , Jeremy " from lot of different voices , he is the master of diaster of the 5th floor of pediatrics . Posted by Jeremy hit a milestone , we have been in the hospital for 15 days straight , his NICU stay at birth was only 11 days , heart surgery was 7 days , shunt infection was 12 days , kyphosis repair was 12 days but we are on Day # 15 . Everything is going good , Jeremy is being quite the charmer , he of course loves attention from anyone , and everyone is so good with him . He 's made several children friends during his stay . We had one family that brought tears to my eyes , they are leaving today and she said although she hated this hospital stay they were here with her daughter having migraines she said she is so glad that she got the opportunity to meet and hear about Jeremy . Dr . Dan showed me the X - rays we took Monday , compared to the ones in his office and I could see somewhat a difference but he seems very pleased so I have found through the years with Jeremy if you have a physican who is doing what they are doing for the good of your child , they are happy you learn to be happy . He is pleased with how natural and safe the traction is working . We will at some point today talk surgery , although I can 't think of any questions that I have at this time , he will also add a pound . Friday , morning , January 28 is the surgery day approximately 8 : 30am Dr . Dan will start his surgery , he said it could take 6 - 7 hours it just depends on Jeremy , his spine and if he has to slow down . I am excited that he feels that he will be able to get some correction , especially he plans to be able to get enough lower to fix Jeremy 's leg length difference . Posted by We didn 't get the snow they said we were going to get . I went to Wal - Mart Saturday and my car was literally covered . I think we have a chance of snow mid - week but Friday it 's suppose to warm up to above freezing . Jeremy had a good weekend , playful , he had his favorite nurse , Shelly , who let him sit at the computer while she charted and he was happy . It was so cute when she came into the room he did his ornery little giggle . We played , we even took a little nap sitting in the chair , he slept longer than I did . This morning , Jeremy was laughing and playful when Dr . Dan came in and he said , " it is good to hear you laughing J " It 's funny he calls him J . We are up to 16 pounds , I guess he will add a pound a day til Friday . We did X - rays this morning and still scheduled for surgery on Friday . . . I realize I haven 't posted in a few days , it 's been a little crazy here . Jeremy continues to tolerate the traction well , his spine is responding and his spinal cord is dong great . We are up to 14 pounds and not sure if we are holding here or going to 15 pounds . We did have a rough few days Wednesday and Thursday , with each increased pound Jeremy became more irritable so we changed his pain meds on Thursday which helped Jeremy . Thursday was the worst day , Jeremy was in pain , didn 't want to come back to the room , I had walked around the entire 5th floor with him , throwing the ball , got a little break and I was so exhausted . I can 't remember being that tired , so when he almost tipped over the wheelchair I had a meltdown . Child life set with him and I went outside and walked and cried my eyes out . I felt like a bad mom for not being more patient with Jeremy , when he was in pain and in a situation he didn 't understand . Once the pain meds were changed he was back to being himself . Dr . Dan did the CT scan on Thursday . The plan is for Jeremy to have his spinal fusion surgery this Friday , January 28 . Dr . Dan feels that Jeremy 's spine has responded to the traction and is relaxed and stretching . His other concern was the khyposis fusion we did this past summer , it was intended to go along with the spinal fusion that we all know didn 't happen . Dr . Dan felt with the last set of X - rays that it had set in and wouldn 't be flexiable but with the CT scans he said it was flexiable so that is good news . He feels that he can get some correction with J 's spine not a 100 % but I never expected that starting out . He does plan to get the lower fixed so that it will fix J 's leg length difference and he won 't have to wear a shoe lift the rest of his life . He is going to compare the one we did Thursday with the one we did last year and see how much of a difference . We have been here for 11 days , everyone is awesome with J . Jeremy is the ruler of the 5th floor pediatrics , made lots of new friends who really care about him . Posted by We are up to 12 pounds , Dr . Dan will add a pound a day and get up to about 15 pounds . We did X - rays on Monday , there was some correction , and the kyphosis was relaxed so Dr . Dan was pleased with that but wants to see more . We will repeat the CT scan we did last year at this time , Thursday or Friday . Jeremy is tolerating the traction well , ruler of the 5th floor pediatrics . We put him in the walker and off he goes , it doesn 't slow him down , he takes his bouncy ball with him and will throw it and play ball with anyone who even looks his way . He has made friends with a custodian , Herschel who is awesome with Jeremy , had him doing one of Jeremy 's laughing so hard you think he 's not going to breathe . It was good to see that . He is mostly his happy little self , but does get tired , frustrated but overall doing good . We are suppose to get about 5 inches of snow this evening and overnight , it will be pretty sight especially since I 'm stuck up here . I 'll take pictures and post them . Posted by Jeremy was asleep last night by 7 : 30pm , slept pretty good for him . Yesterday was the first day Jeremy didn 't have any pain medicine . He is getting valium at bedtime to help him relax . The resident came in this morning and added another pound so we are up to 10 pds of weights , he seems to be tolerating it quite well . Kelsey will be in about 10am to take him for his walk , which he will be thrilled . He got up about 8am , got his " off traction " morning break . He ate biscuits w / gravey , bowl of frosted shredded wheat and a banna for breakfast . He is sitting in the chair , glacing through books having his quiet time . I am going to miss Sunday morning church at Sapulpa Bible Church , the worship service is always so spirtual and uplifting , I love the songs we sing to GOD . Pastors Mike 's sermons always challenge me to dig deep into my life . Posted by We are living life from the 5th floor of the University of Missouri Children 's Hospital , doing really well . Jeremy has been tolerating the traction well in my opinion , the walker got fixed up yesterday so he walked the halls for a couple of hours , he was exhausted when we got the room and about 8pm he was ready for bed . He is also getting " traction " breaks , where we totally un - hook him from traction , he gets to go to the playroom and play with toys he can 't while he is restrained to the traction . This morning our amazing nurse , Shelly took him with her to the nurses station and he was early morning entertainment . He is the ruler of the Pediatric floor and loves the attention . Jeremy is getting well known in room 528 , he is making friends and they all come by to see him . We are also starting to see nurses we seen while Jeremy was here in August , they are all so excited at how well he is doing and to see him up . He had been sleeping ok considering what he is going through , I sleep on the bed with him . They watch him while I run downstairs to grab a bite to eat or take a break . Dr . Dan came by late yesterday evening to check out the walker and seemed fairly proud of how that turned out , but pleased with what it was doing for Jeremy . Jeremy pretty much ignored him , he asked if they would still be friends . He said he would come by Saturday and if it 's ok would bring his little girl that way Jeremy could see some kids while he is here and he was taking her to a birthday party . I thought that was so sweet for him to ask and to think about Jeremy , but then again that is why we are here he is not only a spine expert but a compassionate physican who has so much emptahy toward his patients and hasn 't forgotten the " human " side of medicine . This morning we took a good stroll around the entire 5th floor with Kelsey the weekend therapist , who is awesome . Dr . Dan was coming down the hall as J was coming out of his room and his eyes lit up and he says , " OH he looks good , got to take a picture " he introduced his little girl to usLora L Roberts Everyone here at the University of Missouri Children 's hospital is AWESOME , they are so " family " centered care and help Jeremy and always think of me . J didn 't want to sit up in the wheelchair much yesterday but tolerated laying in bed in traction . We are up to 8 pounds , Dr . Dan started with 5 pounds to start , he added 2 yesterday and the resident added 1 more this morning . Jeremy is tolerating it , but just wants to be up and moving around . He is sitting in the chair now , doing good . He slept really good , I just curled up in bed with him and we slept good . His walker should be finished around noon so he can get up and walk around , which should help him to get out in the hall , go the playroom . It 's going good , he is being good sitting up now , but he 's got 2 therapist giving him total attention . Entrance into Children 's Hospital , TJ tiger the mascot . . . We left Sapulpa at 9am and was in Columbia , Missouri by a little after 3pm . . We made a quick stop in Joplin to grab a bite to eat on the road , in Lebandon to fill up the car . The trip was mostly sunshine and clear roads the entire duration until we got to Jefferson City the clouds were upon us and the closer to Columbia it started to snow a little but nothing too bad . We arrived at our motel , had food delivered and enjoyed a nice quiet evening . I gave Dr . Dan his picture frame with the picture , I think he really loved it . He called since he wasn 't coming back up this evening and thanked me again for the picture frame and said he already had it hanging up in his office . This morning , Dr . Dan put the halo back on Jeremy . We are in room 528 at the University of Missouri Children 's Hospital @ 404 Keene Street , Columbia , MO , 65201 . Jeremy is not thrilled by no means about the return of the halo . We did have a few rough moments today , but I know he is mad because he can 't get up and run around , he also has an IV and he hates it . They are capping the IV and will take out in the morning , Dr . Dan doesn 't feel he needs it . J has eaten a grilled cheese sandwhich , tator tots , chocolate ice - cream , 2 cups of pudding and drinking a pedisure . I also ordered him some chicken nuggets for later and he is eating on them . He can have pain meds every 4 hours and then some valium to help him sleep . He will get his ADHD meds in the morning as a typical day and Dr . Dan is working on getting a walker rigged up so Jeremy can be upright and walk , which is going to thrill Jeremy . He wants him upright as much as possible so Jeremy has been sitting in the chair most of the afternoon and is happy to do so . He has been ornery , wants to run around and pulls at the halo for attention . Posted by I can 't believe that tomorrow is the day we leave for Columbia , Missouri for our 24 day stay at the resort . . . . LOL . We will actually be impatient at the University of Missouri , Women 's & Children 's Hospital , their new facility . We will be under the care of our super - hero Dr . Daniel Hoernschemeyer . Please pray for safe travel as we have got some snow and the area we are traveling to got more snow . We are going to leave about 9am , we can travel during daylight hours with the sun , give rush hour traffic time to clear and road crews time to clear . We won 't actually make it to that area until approximately noon to 2pm . We will take our time no rush . We have to be at the hospital at 7am on Wednesday , Jeremy will be taken back about 9 : 30am for the halo to be put back on his head , then he will be put in a room and I 'm sure for Dr . Dan to hook the traction back up . . . . The finished , " Thank You " gift to Dr . Dan . I thought it turned out good , Thanks to Melissa for fixing the picture , Holly for the idea . Posted by You have seen the dolls that talk and are chatty , well I live with the model , Jeremy - talks - a - lot , the " live " version . This week he has been talking up a storm at home , he comes up to me in the evenings or in the mornings and just starts to jabber , I hear lot of " I want " , " I did " , " I " , " I " , " I " . I would love to slow him down to hear what he is actually trying to tell me . It is so cute , and I love his sweet little voice . This picture was taken at school and sent to me , he went up to the Smart Board ( which he loves ) , he would not allow any of the other students to come up to the board , pushed his friends away and just giggled . I so do not know where he got the idea that he could take over a situation and be controlling . . . . I remember when I was in Jr . High , the school nurse lined up everyone and told us to bend over so she could run her hand over our spine . I honestly didn 't know what this was all about , until years later to find out they were checking us for scoliosis . A common procedure still done today at schools . Jeremy has congenial scoliosis , which means at birth . Jeremy was born with mild scoliosis , a bone - growth study , skeletal survey all revealed that . We first started to notice progression shortly before he turned 2 years old and Jeremy was re - checked when he was almost 3 and progression was to a point we needed to do some intervention . Jeremy had low muscle tone , he was just starting to crawl when he was 2 , starting to stand for short periods of time . I researched all I could on scoliosis , but when Dr . Cyrus told me that day I was numb , lost for words . We became familiar with the TSLO brace , aka scoliosis brace . I remember when Jeremy started to wear the brace , we went out to eat and the guy who checked us out in a very loud , concerned , expressive voice , said , " what is wrong with that baby 's back " . I calmed myself because I really wanted to come across the counter and say , you know dude it 's none of your business so breathe . In a calm voice I said , " he only has scoliosis , it 's a curvature of the spine and he 's fine " . Jeremy started to stand upright when he was 3 and at the age of 5 started walking , which slowed down the progression . The reality is , being born with scoliosis , the progression that already had taken place his spine was going to grow that way . The growth spurt he hit last year it progressed rapidly and rotated inward . It was also reality that some sort of surgical intervention was going to be required for Jeremy 's spine . I would be lying if I said , " I 'm fine with being admitted to the University of Missouri Children 's Hospital " . I know they are more than equipped to deal with Jeremy and Dr . Dan is the surgeon we need to follow , for that decision I am absolutely 200 % sure of and have grPosted by
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LUCENT DREAMS : Lucent Dreams is me , Caleb , and a few of my friends taking my songs and giving them life . It 's the latest incarnation of a lifelong pursuit of making songs that I would want to listen to in my car . SUCKER : Is there an implied narrative within the song order on The Honest EP ? How does this relate to the overarching theme of honesty ? LUCENT DREAMS : There is not really an implied narrative regarding the song ordering . I was mostly ordering them to reconcile the fact that none of the songs really sound like they should come from the same person or be on the same album . Thats the honest answer ! Honesty , or the illusion thereof , is important in art but its different from telling the truth . You can manufacture honesty in music . The EP is honest in the sort of way a drunk phone call to an ex girlfriend is , its just kind of all on the table , vulnerable . I rarely checked myself or listened to the voice in the back of my head saying , " You can 't talk about sex and death on the same album ! " or " You can 't just have drums on all the songs and then tap on your acoustic guitar for the intro , and why do you INSIST on ACOUSTIC GUITAR ! ! ! ! ! ? " I just kind of did things the way I did because all of these disparate styles , approaches , and sounds exist within me and I didn 't want to build this album based on what would make someone else comfortable . LUCENT DREAMS : I used to learn a lot of songs on guitar , I took lessons , I got pretty good at finger picking . But I really wanted to sing , probably because I was so bad at it . I really liked writing . Anything . Stories , song lyrics , research papers , poetry , raps ( lol ) , long winded AIM messages … I figured if I started putting guitar behind my lyrics eventually the singing would get better and I could share my passion for writing AND music . I started getting serious about writing music and performing when I was 17 or so . My process was very much : write the chords , write the words as they come , and then play it to people . You could argue that my process is the same now but now I understand it better . I still write the instrumental first and lyrics later , but I have a better understanding of what I want to say and how it will come across over the bed of music . LUCENT DREAMS : There 's two sides to that . I write the songs by myself . Acoustic guitar , mechanical pencil , paper . Same way every time . Rarely on that end am I willing to compromise . The other side is when I bring my songs to my band , I rarely give any direction and if I do its the feel I 'm going for . The band writes their parts , and I pretty much never touch them . LUCENT DREAMS : Writing lyrics . I tend to write in a fairly stream of consciousness way , and sometimes it takes me weeks to understand what the hell I just wrote and what it means . A lot of it is very metaphorical and it takes a lot of examining the context of when I wrote it to understand what my subconscious mind was trying to say . The feeling of finally understanding and being able to explain each line is always a sort of eureka moment where you realize like " Hey , there is a lot going on here . " LUCENT DREAMS : Yes . Especially this album . I record while I write , often by the time the band hears my idea its already final takes of guitar and vocals . Like I said before the album is a hodgepodge of styles so when I look at it as a mixing engineer , my training says level it out . Make the mixes be the thing that ties it together . I found myself turning down the distortion on Planting Season because it was the only lo - fi song and it stuck out . Then I realized thats took away from the song . Each song is like a child , they want different things . You can 't just try to force your kids to all play baseball so they fit in when Ronnie wants to smoke pot and Jimbo wants to be a dancer . For me , spaces and places play a pivotal role in the creative process . Does your process / artistic style vary between ( rural ? ) Vermont and urban New York ? My sound changed a lot when I hit New York . In Vermont , theres really two big scenes . There 's jammy funk stoner stuff everywhere and bluegrass . I was making weird electronic indie stuff for a while and then weird folk music and it was all very private , people here don 't really like that . Then I got to Purchase and was like … wait people here are playing the music I like to listen to and other people like it too . I felt less pressured to be accepted and felt confident in my process and sounds because New Yorkers get a great cultural education . In Vermont , there is Vermont culture . Maple Creemees , craft IPA 's , Phish , Bernie , and weed . New Yorkers have been exposed to all sorts of art and there are tons of scenes and tons of people . I can 't even walk to anywhere from my childhood house in Vermont . The closest venue is a restaurant that has bluegrass some nights . I will always love Vermont , the people in it , and the nature . I will continue to speak with an accent and write about swimming holes , firewood , and gardening in my songs . That won 't ever change . LUCENT DREAMS : I said I was looking for some work on my Facebook which is full of amazing artists , because of Purchase , and I got a good response . I was going through peoples Instagram pages to see which style would best fit my music . I was going to commission something but then I saw a piece that I absolutely fell in love with by Casey McCarthy . I wanted it so bad . The muted colors , the dreaminess of it , the obfuscation . I contacted them and they generously said I could use it ! As to the choices regarding the creation of it that 's best left to Casey . I 'll link their Insta at the end of this interview . LUCENT DREAMS : Purchase is so sick . Being surrounded by artists that are so motivated and do not compromise is extremely inspiring . It 's such a safe place to pursue art in your own way . It 's a daily dose of greatness . You 're surrounded . I imagine it would be intimidating for some people but when I got here I was like " this is my place , start writing NOW . " Plus you see people doing what they want and succeeding at it . I never felt that in any other music program at any other school . LUCENT DREAMS : What a great question . Treat each song as a vignette , a little story , without context . Listen like you were looking at a painting as someone who doesn 't know the first thing about painting and doesn 't need to extract meaning from the work . Then take a pass figuring out what it means to you . Then try to figure out what it means to the artist . LUCENT DREAMS : People who are into it . If it 's what you like , listen to it and support the artist ! If you don 't like it that 's fine , I don 't dislike you for it . Like I 'm pretty sure my mom won 't be listening to Planting Season in her car more than once . If my Gramma was still around she wouldn 't want to hear me swearing in my lyrics . I 'm pretty sure none of the people I 've ever dated listened to my music on their own time . You can 't force people to change their tastes . I want to reach people that like my music and gain some sort of pleasure from it , the way so many other artists have given me pleasure , courage , and stimulation . LUCENT DREAMS : Yes , I can 't help it . I want people to like my music and get something from it . I still write whatever the hell I feel like though . Its more of a subconscious effect on the songwriting end . It 's more measurable on the technical side , mixing and recording . You just can 't put out something that sounds like it was recorded over - saturated to tape and expect to gain much more than a small cult following . It still happens but people expect to hear the kick drum on a rock song . SUCKER : What is your relationship with social media , and do you feel it is important as an artist in the 21st century to utilize it ? LUCENT DREAMS : I 'm a social media fiend . I grew up on AIM and Myspace . I think it 's so important and beneficial to artists to utilize it if they want to reach people . I think that people who play obscure and don 't utilize it are expecting things to work out for them the way that lo - fi did for The Mountain Goats . John Darnielle has 1000s of songs . He got struck by lightning . You aren 't going to . If you desire exposure and reaching people you need to use all of the tools . Technology is evolving humanity and without it we just aren 't enough anymore . I believe that on a practical level , spiritually its problematic . LUCENT DREAMS : The album will be available on Bandcamp and all the streaming services . Follow me on Facebook and Insta . You can add my personal page as well if you want . Also follow Casey McCarthy 's art page on Instagram ! Thanks ! JOSH THACHER : I don 't really know how to answer this question . I guess I am some sort of lost , spirit - like being . Just wandering around trying to pass the time … JOSH THACHER : I 've been around for over a thousand years , existing on somewhat of a middle ground between a multitude of different dimensions and universes . I 've been to many strange and surreal places , met a lot of awesome people , and seen a lot of crazy things . I also have voices in my head . So , all of that is where I get my inspiration . Sometimes there are things that I just want to share , or things that I want to take from other worlds and bring them into this one . Those are the things that I try to depict in my artwork . SUCKER : Considered a sort of artistic renaissance man of our time , you draw , paint , make sculptures , do digital drawings , have a few musical projects and piece together stuffed animals . How does your imagery translate through all these different mediums ? Does one medium fit better than others ? JOSH THACHER : It all depends on how I see it first . If it is just an image , I 'll draw it . If it is something more three dimensional , I 'll make a sculpture or stuffed animal . If it comes to me in the form of sound , I 'll attempt ( poorly ) to recreate it somehow . Sometimes it 's nothing but words , and that 's when I write . Most of the time it is just images and words so I mainly draw and write , but it all just depends on a feeling . Sometime 's I 'll want to create something and I 'll think , " That needs to be painted , I can 't just draw it , It needs to exist in the form of a painting . " The same goes with sculptures , and so on . JOSH THACHER : I love cats . SUCKER : In your opinion , does college help or hinder the artist ? If it 's of no help , what are some suggestions to young artists that could aid them in showing / selling their work ? JOSH THACHER : College is great for art . You learn new things and expand your artistic horizons . I never would have touched oil paints if it weren 't for college , and I turned out to be really good with them and like them a lot . I had a creative writing class with my favorite professor , Dr . Chirico , where he had us write 7 pieces a week ( which is also something I never would have tried to do on my own time ) and I produced some of my favorite poems in that class . The professors and classmates are nothing but helpful and encouraging . You 're surrounded by good ideas and advice , and it 's just a great environment to be in . I think one of the best ways to make it in the art world these days is to go to college . People are much more likely to recognize an artist , if they have a degree . SUCKER : What was your first art making experience ? JOSH THACHER : I remember drawing a picture of a dog going down a slide . I had this weird way of drawing where I pressed really hard with my pencil and everything looked hairy for some reason . I know I was drawing before that , but this is my first memory of drawing . I think the dog was wearing sunglasses . JOSH THACHER : Yes , anyone can be artist . It doesn 't matter what you produce , how it looks or sounds . It doesn 't matter if you can 't perfectly recreate on paper what you saw in your mind . Whatever comes out is art , and it is unique to you as an individual . Everybody should make art and contribute their own individual style to the rest of the art in the world . JOSH THACHER : Yes , I would love to make cartoons , but I don 't have the resources . I always have characters and stories in my head that a drawing or even a comic would not be enough for it . I made some cool things in an animation class but it doesn 't compare to what I would like to do if I had the resources . One of my dreams is to work for Adult Swim . SUCKER : Often times words or poetry is incorporated within drawings you have done . How do you make these careful choices when pairing a drawing with words ? How does that help what you want to get across to the viewer ? JOSH THACHER : Either words will come to me while I 'm drawing , or an image will come to me while I 'm writing . It 's not planned in any way . Making art , for me , is like vomiting from my mind . Most of the time , my mind is full of strange , broken stories . SUCKER : What would you do if you weren 't making artwork ? JOSH THACHER : It 's hard to imagine that . I don 't know . I think my whole life would be different if I never made art , but if I just suddenly stopped today ? I 'd probably spend the rest of my life doing hard physical labor , and sit by a fire every night . I 'd be somewhat of a cowboy , and I think I 'd get angry easily . JOSH THACHER : No I 've never had my art in a gallery . That 'd be cool though . I have played music live . My brother and I used to do open mic 's , but I wouldn 't call that my music ; that 's really our music . JOSH THACHER : It doesn 't matter where you are . Just make good art , and put it out there for people to see . What is anyone in the city going to do differently ? JOSH THACHER : I don 't think anyone but my close friends and family would know about my artwork if I didn 't have it online . So that 's saying something . I 'm not well known at all . My facebook page only has 148 likes , but only about 40 of those people know me in real life , the rest are strangers from all over the place who discovered me through the internet . I also sell my artwork online . I probably wouldn 't be making any money from my art if it weren 't for the internet . JOSH THACHER : I 'm just gonna keep doing what I 'm doing . I have no plans for way into the future . I want to paint more . SUCKER : Where can we follow you , and purchase your work ? LC : I 'm inspired by so many people in different genres for different reasons . One person that inspired me vocally to grow and push myself , and accomplish as much as I can is Whitney Houston . Beyonce also continues to inspire me as an outstanding boss of her brand and talent as well . Her work ethic is unmatched in my eyes and I would like to strive to be the same way with an uncompromising devotion to my craft . LC : Each song has a very different story . Some of the songs on my project , I wrote without hearing instrumentation first and other songs I wrote to instrumentation . The biggest evolution in my creative process from the time I started writing and recording my EP to now is that I am much more involved in the musical production . I really wasn 't an executive producer outside of funding my project when I first began recording songs , but by the end of the project I was heavily involved in music production , not just the songwriting , vocal production , and arrangements of the voice . A big portion of that growth I think I can credit to working with producers that were far more experienced in the industry than me . Syience , who executive produced the project with me , always encouraged me to think and speak for myself . Once I began doing that wholeheartedly , I gained a lot more confidence in myself . LC : I would like to convey honest messages . Many of my songs promote feminism and anti - patriarchal concepts because that 's who I am , but then I also have a few songs in which I 'm hopeless romantic . All of the emotions I have written about are things that I 've experienced and battled with . I have experienced men who made me feel like shit , made me feel absolutely horrible about myself , and it 's bigger than intimacy or relationships for me , it goes way back to my childhood up to now and witnessing how society isn 't structured to uplift or celebrate the woman of color . And in this album I 'm talking about how I had to find myself , and find out what I loved about me , and why I was special , and why I didn 't need a man to define my worth . My life stories I haven 't share in the Welcome to Aranbi EP . I shared stories of the many women in me . The emotions are really what I care about . Cry , cry , cry but then you have to move the fuck on . That 's my music . There 's a lot of sadness behind it , I feel that 's the core . There 's other happier songs , but for the most part I wrote about men that didn 't want me to know my worth or think that I was smart enough to be excellent , outstanding , or powerful alone . It was more to their advantage and ego to make me feel small . In this project , I said fuck that . LC : I was 12 years old , a point in my life where the world I thought I belonged to shifted drastically . I went from a very diverse public school to an all white private school . The way I viewed myself and my value flipped completely . But in the midst of all the sadness that came that year , I fought for a music career , and joined a production company . I wrote and recorded two EP 's , and a mixtape with them , and we created really great things . Years later I 'm here , with my own company , having fun and doing it my way . LC : I get that question quite a bit . Hopefully in five years - I 've done three albums . If it doesn 't work out that way , it 's okay . But hopefully , I 've done a few albums and I 've become the creative director of a fashion brand . Maybe I 'll have had a role in a move or guest starred in a TV show . Hopefully my charity has expanded its outreach globally . That would be most amazing . And I 've toured the world a few times . LC : As a business woman that is passionate about what I do . I love my supporters because they understand that about me . They understand that I 'm here to change the world through art . I want them to know that I have an uncompromising attitude and devotion when it comes to my work . There is a lot of negative stereotypes about women in the industry , obviously bred by misogyny . They want to promote these messages that women aren 't intelligent enough , aren 't powerful enough to be successful without selling their bodies to a man in power . I hate that shit . I want my fans to know that I 'm in control of my shit . No one in the ' Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is ' music video told me , ' Oh I want you to wear this or I want you to pretend to be that ' , everything you see in my content is what I wanted . I 'm very much involved , I 'm very much in control . There is no one telling me what to do and I 'm proud of that and I think it 's important that my supporters know this isn 't been repackaged by a man . In the PYMWMYI music video I made some people uncomfortable . Uncomfortable to the point where they felt the need to write in the comments ' oh I wonder who she fucked to get to the top , ' or ' go back to the strip club ' or ' slut slut slut . ' If a man puts 100 strippers in his music video , he 's the man . He 's a God . It 's never going to be oh I wonder how many women he had sex with to get where he is because they have all the power and they keep it in their circle . But if embrace my sexuality or look a little too confident in my sex appeal , I get 3 , 000 comments reducing me down to object . Stripper or no stripper , I 'm made out to be an object . I 'll take the backlash in a heartbeat and just do what the fuck I want to do . That 's who I am . That 's who I am going to remain throughout my career , a woman that is unapologetic and willing to make people uncomfortable . LC : I don 't know how I could be alive in this world as a woman as color , and not have experienced sexism . I could rant on and on about how people undermine on my capabilities or what I can achieve because I 'm a woman . But at this point for me it 's about changing the program and what is promoted through the media . The idea that women have to have sex with men in order to achieve career success . The messages that say being in control as woman isn 't sexy . The messages that are promoted through the media must change . LC : Princess Nokia , I really like her a lot , and I really like what she has stands for in and outside of her music ; the messages she promotes . Her entire life story is really inspirational . I 'd also like to work with Drake one day . LC : Business is always first priority for me , but I tend to become very close to the people I work with continuously . Some of my best friends are people I work with regularly . For that reason I 've learned about the importance of knowing and respecting boundaries . I once had a friendship in past that became too multi - dimensional . There were no boundaries or moments alone , too much became intertwined . I learned a lot from that relationship and the outcome was sad . But with time and experience I 've learned how to navigate my business life and my personal life and how to always keep them separate to a certain extent . LC : I 'm so in love with me and what I do professionally . All of my siblings have kids . I have so much work I have to get done , and I don 't think a kid would make that any easier for me due to first hand experience babysitting . You need time to be a parent , I don 't have the time or wisdom at this stage in my life to become one for sure . LC : Absolutely . I already see myself and my brand as being bigger than music . I want to change the world and I think it will take multiple mediums in order for me to change how kids learn , how the world thinks and I 'll start with music , but I will definitely be branching out . I have a passion for business , branding and market . , I feel there 's so many ways for me to grow as mogul , as an entrepreneur . I love music , but I will definitely be taking advantage of every opportunity to do so much more . LC : Music is the one place where I can say whatever the fuck I want . I can just say what I feel , and I can just cry on a song , and I speak my mind with no dialogue , and no conversation , just me and the world that I created in pain and isolation . Aranbi is me in my head . LC : My dad 's place . He 's so calm , relaxed , and open minded . I love that about him . I feel so loved in the presence of my father , and enjoy spending all of my time with him . Another place I love going is to the beach . LC : Don 't underestimate your value , don 't allow anyone other than you to determine what you can or cannot do . Don 't underestimate your ability to think for yourself . Finding yourself and then believing in who you are is key . … In a loud , chaotic world , I find peace within these four walls . Never " peace and quiet " though - there is not a moment in time when I 'm in my room and not listening to music with the exception of sleeping . Even still , I have to use my noise machine in order to fall asleep … … In my room , I have different components that keep me relaxed : my laptop , music via Spotify or record player , books , candles , plants and flowers . I wish I could say my cats too , but most of time , they wake me up with their fighting or try to eat my plants . One thing I especially cherish is the very thing my cats are invading in the picture above . For someone who 's only 4 ' 11 , I constantly hog the bed and absolutely love being able to wake up sideways , diagonally , upside down … you name it . I also have a huge window to the right of my bed that allows me to get some fresh air and natural sunlight in my room , which is refreshing . To the left of my shelves , I have built in storage space that has pictures , stuffed animals , more books and candles , as well as miscellaneous items I should probably throw away but won 't … Attending the AfroPunk Festival was beyond anything I could 've dreamed . On my way to the venue , I befriended three women at the bus stop , who were also attending the festival . I tagged along with them , and they were very kind to me . I felt right at home , it felt it was meant for me to come here . I said to myself , " These are my people . " I befriended , and socialized with a few people during the journey to AfroPunk , and during the festival . The festival was a blast , and unfortunately for me , I wasn 't able to stay longer or go to the festival on the next day . The event was for two days , and I want to go back . I vow to go to AfroPunk annually till the day I die . I met new friends , had a blast , and got to see some great music . I thank , on behalf of Sucker Magazine , the people of Afropunk for this amazing experience and opportunity . September 14 , 2016September 14 , 2016 suckermagazine GRUTESK : I honestly can 't pinpoint what exactly sparked my interest , but I 've always been interested in more experimental music . I always wanted to be different with my music taste while growing up . When everyone was listening to pop music I was listening to more independent music . I could say that probably the band / group to get me into the genre would be a rap group by the name Clipping . If harsh noise interests you , you should check them out GRUTESK : With my digital art I try to draw cute cartoon women and fandom related things as well , generally like a non impacting emotion with it . Grutesk is a way I can express myself when I get angry , upset , whatever . I mean , I have created something from emotions into my digital art , but for the most part I don 't , which I think needs to change . I would also like to shout out some really cool people in the noise scene I 'd recommend anyone to check out : Writhe ( Ruben ) , he has some intense tracks and he 's just an awesome friend , paper skin . ( Taylor ) , he 's more power electronics but has awesome live shows and music , he 's who inspired me to add vocals to some of my own tracks . August 29 , 2016August 29 , 2016 suckermagazine We made our way backstage to say hi to the people that we knew , and I quickly learned that being around talented people is a little unnerving ( whether you know some of them or not ) so , being the hermit that I am , I sat down on the floor and did some people watching in between reading pages of a book . Everyone was sitting in a circle in various kinds of chairs making small talk , telling jokes and laughing , eating the candy bars on the food table , smoking cigarettes . But among all of the activity , the one thing that really stuck out to me was that every member of One Dollar Check were sitting down , listening to what people were saying to them , or sitting completely by themselves in seemingly deep thought . They 're just a bunch of quiet guys . Everybody that I had talked to that day said that they came for One Dollar Check . I already knew that music is incredibly important to everyone in the band , but it never really clicked with me just how important it was to them until this show . Elijah , bassist , was effortlessly strumming away with a smile on his face , lightly bouncing around the stage ; front man Gared was grooving up and down the stage , occasionally gettin ' down with a band mate , and filling up the area with his beautiful , soft voice behind his sunglasses ; Aaron and Carlton were playing their guitars with the simplicity and confidence akin to Bradley Nowell 's style , and Carlton would occasionally take over lead vocals with the same strength as Gared , only a little quieter ; Charles kept everyone in check with his 100 % solid drumming skills - no overwhelming drum fills or cockiness , which is a quality not every drummer is graced with . Tommy worked the stage the most . There wasn 't a single square inch of that stage that he didn 't walk on , he 'd weave in and out of the changing lights , stood in the clouds made by the smoke machine , and even walked around the audience . The whole time they were playing , you could feel the brotherhood between these guys . You could feel the respect and the love that they all have for each other , making their set one of the most comfortable , heart warming live music experiences you could possibly ever have . That 's what makes One Dollar Check so special . It 's a band consisting only of people who are the nicest guys in the world who all share a strong passion for music . One Dollar Check released their 8 - track debut album , entitled " Feels So Right " , a year ago on August 8th , 2015 . The band is currently recording an album which should be released next year . Until then , keep up with One Dollar Check on … Soundcloud , Bandcamp , Facebook , and Instagram . I had never been to Non Plus Ultra , but the venue was once a warehouse and in its current state , seems to be a great place for upcoming bands to play at . It was a really laid back environment , filled with more people than I expected and some sick projections to give it a psychedelic vibe . Even the famous singer - songwriter , Ryan Adams , was there to check out the new talent . I could not believe it - I had to Google " Ryan Adams " on my phone to ensure it was him … Needless to say , I am not used to the Los Angeles scene . There was a homeless man who came to party at the show and as he was walking in , he enthusiastically yelled , " it 's just rock and roll ! " I was unable to get his name , but he danced and smiled watching the bands play and was certainly a favorite among the crowd . He came up to me outside minutes before interviewing the guys and the information I was able to get from him was that he was a veteran who immigrated to the United States and loved it much more than where he grew up despite his current struggles . Minutes later , they were on stage headlining the show . They played a good amount of songs off each off their albums Gawk and Antics . It didn 't matter whether you had heard every single one of their songs or hadn 't heard a single one up until they played live - the crowd had a great time . After Vundabar played their final song , many fans yelled " Holy Toledo " in hopes that they would play it , and unfortunately for them , their wishes were not granted . Hailing from San Francisco , the band Ice Cream is not your average group of dudes . Before our interview , I read up on them and was drawn in immediately : they were working on a debut album with the legendary Bruce Botnick ( famously worked with The Doors , and The Beach Boys ) and was soon scouring their Facebook page … and stumbled upon the " Band Interests " section . It read : skating , hating , masturbating . The genre - bending garage punk band consists of Lou Rappoport , Kevin Fielding , Joseph Sample , and Bryce Fernandez . When the band reached out to me , we decided to move forward with an interview via Skype … but it turns out that the extremely cheap and garbage wifi in my apartment wasn 't strong enough ; And instead of seeing the faces of the dashing members of Ice Cream , it looked like I had paused a action - packed scene from the movie The Ring . After much giggling between us , and me trying out holding my laptop in awkward positions in an attempt to get a better connection , we decided to just talk on the phone . But , as disastrous as our introductions happened to be - the rest of the interview was great . Fun , even . All 's well that ends well . Sucker : How long have you guys been a band ? Ice Cream : We 're currently taking title suggestions . So , if you think of anything good . Let us know … Sucker : What bands would you say influence you most ? Ice Cream : I 'm gonna go ahead and say not really bands right now . It could be like . . A bus driving by . . And I 'd be really interested in the bus noise . Just like … sounds in general right now . Sucker : Ok … Ice Cream : It could change tomorrow , but today I heard one of those electric busses , and they got good feedback . You can hear the voltage . * makes extremely cool and definitely not lame revving engine noises * Ice Cream : Yeah , we get a lot of people thinking that we 're adult contemporary , or we 're a latino boy band - because of our name . There 's another band with our name , so when you type in Ice Cream on Spotify it takes you there … So like when we play live , it 's a lot of explaining that we aren 't them . It 's hard explaining the genre . Especially to people who aren 't super familiar . I wanna say garage - rock , but when you say garage - rock , people think of like , heavy nonsense . And then I wanna say something with a sweet melody , so like , garage - pop . But then people are like , " What the hell is garage - pop ? " Ice Cream : Moscow mule - I never order them though because they 're usually quite expensive . * laughs * If I have an all encompassing drink ticket from a venue - that 's what I 'm getting . Other than that I just drink cheap beer . I like some IPA 's . Yeah . Heineken . Sucker : So lots of beer . Are you guys big into partying ? Ice Cream : Oh . . you mean may - mays ? * laugh * Oh man - I could go on for DAYS with memes . Right now what 's popping into my head - that sad Michael Jordan face one is pretty funny . Like , usually if somebody fucks up they put a sad Michael Jordan face on their body . I 'm just trying to get through this life without having a sad Michael Jordan face photoshopped onto me . I saw this one that was like " 9 out of 10 white girls Can 't Even . " My girlfriend and all her friends keep saying " I can 't . I literally can 't . " like … . What the fuck . They all sound the same . Ice Cream : No . * laughs * garage country maybe . We love the Strokes too , though . They 've definitely influenced us . Sucker : Where do you guys see yourselves in 10 years ? Ice Cream : Yeah it 's gonna be like what Justin Timberlake did , but in the opposite direction . The album comes from every other N ' Sync member besides him . I wanna be Lance Bass . That 's all I 'm saying . Isn 't he an astronaut ? Actually . We started a church , it 's called Ice Cream on Rihanna . Every member is actually just photoshopping melting ice cream scoops on Rihanna 's smokin ' hot body . That could be a may may ! That could be my new favorite meme . Sucker : What 's next for you guys ? Ice Cream : We 're working with Bruce Botnick and kinda learning all these secrets about all these other people he 's worked with like Jim Morrison and Brian Wilson and shit . We 're pretty excited about it . We 're kinda just shopping for a label that 's gonna be able to put it out with some gusto , you know ? We have a couple label offers but we 're trying to hold out on making a decision right now though . But yeah , Bruce is recording and mixing it . He 's got an ear for weird shit . So we kinda just record as much weird shit as possible and let him pick . Ice Cream : Yeah . Apparently Jim Morrison and him were at a hotel once and Jim threw a mattress out of the window , and then he jumped out of the window and onto the mattress . And he hit the mattress , but he knocked himself out on the mattress and they just left him there . * laughs * Some of these songs we 've had for awhile . Some of it is super new . There 's gonna be a lot of different stuff on there . We 're trying to think of an album title that 's like Sum 41 's All Killer No Thriller , cuz ' that 's so sweet . We might call it All Thriller No Killer … or Even More Thriller …
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After seeing all the hoopla about volunteering to index the upcoming release of the 1940 US Census , I threw my insecurities out the window and signed up to go a - indexing ! It took about ten minutes total to download the software app , watch the video , sign in to my FamilySearch account and give it a whirl . It 's kinda fun . My hesitation was that I 'm still a newbie and have been known to screw up stuff now and again . . . OK , regularly . But all the big kids were singing its praises so I jumped on the bandwagon . ( Too many metaphors there , but you know what I mean ; ) The video is so simple and straightforward , even I could understand it ! And then they give you a test batch to try out . If you make a mistake or get confused they help you . I 'm working on some birth records now for somewhere in Texas and it 's so very moving to see these records and know that my keystrokes could lead to someone finding their ancestor . OK , I 'm hooked . Plus , I get to pick from a list of records I want to index . That 's really nice . I took a look at some handwriting on records from the War of 1812 and I 'm not there yet . But Texas births . . . I 'm all over that ! It comes to you in little batches so I don 't feel like I 've got this gigantic job to to . It 's just filler work for me . Do a couple every now and then . Writing this blog post is taking longer than the batch I just finished . When I was four years old we moved from Western Maryland to Ohio . Dad had a wonderful new executive position in a plastics plant . . . and if you remember the movie , " The Graduate " , everyone was talking about " plastic " . We visited my Mom and Dad 's families , both from Frostburg MD , regularly . It wasn 't a long drive , so we 'd pack up the car , later the station wagon , and make the trip . I always loved the ride , and mostly it was along the Ohio and then Pennsylvania Turnpikes . Early on the big road ended or hadn 't begun yet , and that was OK with me as I loved the smaller roads that made their way through all manner of villages and towns . Our family life in Ohio was suburban and the streets went on and on until they hit downtown Cleveland . By contrast , little Frostburg seemed a microcosm of life where stores were just across the way and everyone knew everyone . . . and probably was related somehow or other . There were things that puzzled me about life in Frostburg . You could say to the man at the little store , " put it on my bill " and he would ! You couldn 't do that in suburban Cleveland . In Maple Heights we lived at " fifteen one one one " Maple Heights Blvd . In Forstburg the house numbers of the people we saw were mostly single or double didgets . Three numbers indicated that your relative lived on a long street , like Bowery . Main Street was so long it had an east and west side . There were signs that puzzled me and one said simply and profoundly : Beware of Sinks . We passed those signs in and around Ocean Mines MD for a while before I spoke up and asked outright what they meant , interrupting adult conversation . I saw no sinks anywhere on the landscape , of either the bathroom or kitchen variety ! Daniel worked for the Consolidation Coal Company as a foreman at mine # 16 at Ocean , MD which is about a mile from where he lived . In the 1940 's , I remember hearing the digging and conversations of the miners in our kitchen at Ocean . They must have been working near the surface . As a matter of fact , in the late 50 " s about 9 : 00 p . m . one evening , we heard cracking of the walls and I thought the house was on fire . I ran outside to look at the house and nearly fell in a 50 foot cave - in of the road . The ground under the house was pulled toward the cave - in and the house fell 9 feet . None of the doors and windows would close or open properly . What an experience . At that point it was decided that we should move . Signs were placed along the road for several miles which read " Beware of Sinks " . The house used to be even with the road in front of the house and today it is about 10 to 12 feet lower than the road . OK , so here 's where I am so far tracking down my GGF , Daniel Williams ( 1852 - 1920 ) and his trip to the Chicago World 's Fair of 1893 . He was chosen to take a large lump of coal from the Ocean Mines of the Consolidation Coal Company in Western Maryland where he worked as a foreman in mine number 16 . It 's just the kind of detail that tickles the fancy of the story teller in me , so I must know more ! It 's the newspapers of the day that I want , so first stop is to find out what newspapers were published in the area in 1893 . The Library of Congress 's Chronicling America project was go - to location . There I searched on state , then town . Cumberland MD had 64 entries for local newspapers and it was interesting to see the frequency with which they came and went over the years ! The " finalists " on my list to track down for Cumberland are the Cumberland Evening Times ( 1892 - 1916 ) and the Cumberland Daily News ( 1890 - 1923 ) . While talking to Mom this morning she shared that over the years one leans left the other right , politically . Chronicling America 's search for Frostburg MD produced one entry that had relevance and that 's the good old Frostburg Mining Journal , the FMJ . It was published from 1871 to 1913 . None of the above are available online , much to my dismay . So now I have to figure out how to get this research done by remote control . I was at a little workshop on US land records and happened to mention that I had paid $ 25 to get a copy of my 5th GGF 's land sales in 1816 and 1817 and his will . One of the ladies in attendance " hrumphed " with great disdain at my not having gone to upstate New York to track them down myself . Of course it would have been exquisitely better to have gone there and dug through the archives my own self . . . no telling what I might have stumbled into . But it simply was not possible . Likewise , I need a work - around to browse and get a copy of the relevant articles in the FMJ and Cumberland newspapers . Here 's how my latest research project got launched . I was trying to find out more about the mystery photo ( below ) of my GGF , Daniel Williams . We know he worked for the mines but how did the clothing and gear fit into his work ? Can we find out even more about him by following the tracks of this photo ? Hopefully , yes . So I put out some inquiries and Cousin Jo Ann C . wrote back that she thought they had on miner 's hats with lamps . Good observation ! Then Aunt Betty wrote this and I 'm off on another trail as well : Daniel worked for the Consolidation Coal Company as a foreman at mine # 16 at Ocean , MD which is about a mile from where he lived . He was chosen to take a large lump of coal from Ocean Mines It was the Gilded Age and nothing was " too much " , or too new for that matter . It was the first time that a wide area was bathed in electric light at night and by all accounts it was a magical sight ! There 's so much written about this event that you can ( and I did ) lose yourself for hours in the swim of information ! Of course general googling around leads me nowhere in finding the specifics of this effort of Daniel Williams . Now it 's on to newspapers of the day , locally . In Chicago , it was just one of thousands of ventures to make the Exposition a success . But in the hills of Western Maryland it would have been newsworthy . Wish me luck ! I have a problem . Was browsing through Aunt Betty 's Archive of Williams family photos when I came across this one . It 's a puzzle to me and I can 't figure it out . I can and will ask Aunt Betty and Mom both but meanwhile I can 't resist playing history detective , looking hard and trying to figure out what 's going on in it . That 's my GGF Daniel Williams , second from the left and marked clearly in Aunt Betty 's notation at the bottom of the image . I just love how she labeled everyone recognizable in each picture . . . none of these " hidden " notations in the file ID . OK , so at first , in thumbnail version , I could see that it 's a picture of a bunch of men in , perhaps , a kind of uniform with some round things and a piece of equipment on a tripod . The thought crossed my mind for a moment that this was a Civil War group , but that couldn 't be correct . because the puzzle pieces don 't fit . I guessed that they are surveyors and that the equipment is for surveying . So off I went to check the 1910 US census for Frostburg Maryland . It shows Daniel Williams , at 53 years of age , living with his wife Jane with four sons , Thomas 20 YO , Joseph 14 , Cambria 12 ( my GF ) and Charles 10 years old . The census also says that his occupation coal miner . But why is he this get up with other men likewise attired ? Why is a miner dressed up like what appears to be a surveyor ? I 'm stumped , utterly . Ya know , some days . . . ! First , a Dislike about passwords . I try to change my various passwords regularly and rotate from my list of over a half - dozen of them in and out of connection that keep me going . There 's a bit of a theme to them so that when memory fails ( as it too often does ) there 's no need to look them up . . . just try another version . But here 's a recent true tale about passwords . I have three Hotmail accounts for various purposes . One of them is for my landscape painting collectors . In the most recent rotation of password changes I choose a password that I had used before . . . when my Hotmail account was hacked ! Like , so D ' uh ! ! ! And they hacked it again ! All my fault , really . And so my poor collector base kept getting emails from me inviting them to click through to a " work from home " scheme . For three days ! Until I figured out what had just happened there . Grrr . Next is a Like . I really like Google Reader . Was a slow adopter but now that I 'm on board , was thinking this morning that I can 't be without it . I can get cozy and read all the genealogy news that interests me at one sitting . No clicking through or surfing over to various sites . It 's brilliant . Picture of the day from Aunt Betty 's Archive : Was working on my tree on Ancestry . com this morning . It 's the really short and abbreviated version of the GEDCOM that Mom built ( hers with over 60 , 000 individuals on it ! ) Specifically , was adding photos to the small handful of ancestors there because I think it 's nice when people find old photos of their ancestors , and maybe they didn 't know what they looked like or didn 't have that particular picture . So there I was and you know how those little green leaves go wagging around at you . . . and I started wandering off task . I knew that Benjamin Thomas ( Abt . 1793 , Wales - 1846 Lonaconing , MD ) came over on the Tiberias in 1838 into the port of Baltimore but I personally didn 't have a copy of the ship 's manifest . And one of those leaves was wagging about that so I had to go check it out . Let me tell you who Benjamin Thomas is to me . My Mom 's Father was Cambria Williams ( 13 JUL 1897 Ocean Mines MD - 13 SEP 1960 , Frostburg MD ) . Everyone called him Camey and he was named after the Cambrian Mountains of Wales . His Mother was Jane Price ( 5 May 1862 Mt . Savage MD - 2 Feb 1939 Frostburg MD ) , and her Mother was Diane Thomas ( Abt 1832 Wales - 17 Jul 1871 Mt . Savage MD ) . Benjamin Thomas was her Father and my 3rd GGF . OK , back to Ancestry and those leaves and the Tiberias . The search result had it at " Liberias " but his name was spot on as well as the birth year so I had to take a closer look . There he was : Benjamin Thomas , 45 and wife Hannah , 40 with children : John 23 , James 20 , Benjamin 18 , William 15 , Diana 6 ( my GGGM ) , Joseph 3 , Phillip 2 and little Jane an infant . A party of ten ! His occupation was listed as collier . But wait ! Look at the rest of the men on the ships list : all colliers ! ! Now what was a collier ? Googled and Wiki said that anyone who worked with coal was a collier . That seems about right for the region at the time . Then I took a zoom look at the ship 's list page and saw a notation in modern hand that said " Invitation ( ? perhaps ) is Georges ' Creek Co . for all except Mary Bannista of Baltimore . " And I do know about Georges ' Creek Iron and Coal Company . See this link for real interesting bits about it from the site , Western Maryland 's Historical Library , or WHILBR : http : / / www . whilbr . org / GeorgesCreek / index . aspx So that was the deal : the Georges ' Creek Co . recruited Welsh coal miners and shipped them with family over to staff their booming coal and iron business . Benjamin Thomas was 45 . Was he a miner all his working life ? Probably . Am thinking that they wouldn 't have paid him to come all that way if he didn 't know the business . However , he was long - in - the - tooth for a coal miner when they started kids working at about 16 years old and even younger . But his son was coming too and he was a strong young man of 23 . I 'm still amazed at how one thing leads to another in this genealogy stuff ! Photo of the day from Aunt Betty 's archive . Here 's a short post about love in the Zeller Family ( see post below about my GGF , Gustav Zeller . ) Great Grandfather Gus Zeller 's family moved to Chicago but he visited them and knew about family comings and goings such that he made sure big news was mentioned in local newspapers . Here 's the notice of his brother Charles 's wedding in the March 3rd , 1906 issue of the Evening Times of Cumberland , MD . The many friends at this place of Mr . Chas . Zeller , formerly a Frostburger , but now located in Chicago , ILL . , will be pleased to learn of his joining the benedicts and taking a voyage over the sea of matrimony . Mr . Zeller was united in wedlock to Miss E . Long , a prominent young lady of Chicago , by a Luthern minister this week . The happy pair will spend several weeks sojourning among places of interest throughout the United States and Canada , after which they will return to Chicago and make their future home . Mr . Zeller , the groom , is a brother of Mr . G . W . Zeller , the Frostburg tonsorial artist , and resided here for many years prior to his removal to the Windy City with his parents some years ago . If possible the bride and groom will spend a few days here the guests of Mr . and Mrs . G . W . Zeller before ending their honeymoon , where they will be tendered a reception . My GGF , my Grandmother 's Dad , was Gustav Zeller ( 3 FEB 1858 , Frostburg MD - 3 DEC 1927 , Frostburg MD . ) He owned barbershops in Western Maryland that enjoyed success and allowed his family an affluent lifestyle by the standards of the time . He taught some of the sons and his son - in - law , my Grandfather Kelly , the barbering trade . He even had a small barber shop in the back of his house . His son Gus Jr . took over the barber shops when Gus Sr . retired . Reportedly , he had a barber shop at 14 East Main Street that burned on December 14 , 1917 . Then he opened another one at 35 East Main Street making it bigger and better that the old one . This photo documented the arrival of the trolley to Frostburg , MD from Cumberland . That 's GGF in his snappy white barber frock with his hand to head ( signaling hair ? ) on the lower step of the trolley . Smart PR ! 2 / 8 / 1896 : Gus Wm . Zeller received a few days ago 68 fancy fish - silver and gold . Almost 20 were sent to his pond up the pike , 40 remaining here . ( Note : they were put in a fish tank in his shop 's front window . ) 8 / 29 / 1896 : " Stolen Pigeons " , Seven pigeons were stolen by boys from Gus Wm . Zeller last Sunday . When the boys ascertained that Gus had a clue to their identity , they let the pigeons go . Two of them returned to Gus and some of the others flew to Hoffman , their first home . They belong to two branches of the pigeon family - the " Tumblers " and " Rattleshirts " . 6 / 17 / 1899 : One morning very recently , GW Zeller had the occasion to be up during the early hours . Standing inside his back yard he heard someone brush the fence going up the alley . Looking over , he saw a man with a pack on his back trotting low toward Union Street . Gus fired his pistol over the fellow 's head . The chickens in the sack made a loud outcry and the fellow yelled , " Oh My God . " He held on to the chickens . However Gus followed to Union Street . A man coming up saw Gus with a lantern and gun , took to his heels also and neither has been seen since . Gus was about to ask him to help catch the fellow with the sack but the Union Street early bird gave him no chance . Grandma was the only girl and the apple of her father 's eye . When she married , he even built her a separate kitchen onto the house so that she and Ma wouldn 't lock horns over kitchen duties ! Grandma Kelly was born and died in that house . One of these days soon I 've really got to dig more deeply into this branch of the family and see what pops up ! GGF 's parents , Charles and Anna Mary Zeller lived in Frostburg until 1884 when they moved to Chicago . Charles was a confectioner . . . and Anna Mary a diabetic ! Many details of this branch and their family history escapes us in the present generation after the senior Zellers moved . Here he is , well coiffed . . . and look at the mustache ! Ever notice that every family is a little messed up here and there ? Everyones family has little " quirks " that perhaps run the gamut from sweetly endearing to just this side of clinically pathological ; ) I 've often wondered how that happens , and marveled that a behavioral pattern I can clearly see got handed down from one generation to the next . I 'm not naming names here ' cause they know where I live , but I can see that my grandparents did hand down behaviors and habits to Mom and Dad . Most of those behaviors are lovely and cherished and contributed to our fine upbringing . ( Did I tell you Mom reads my blog ? ) I love that old story that speaks to this issue of behavior being handed down . A mom was making Thanksgiving diner and cut the turkey in half and then quarters to roast it , putting it in four small pans . The young daughter watched and then asked her mom why she did that when all her friend 's moms roasted their bird in one big roaster . Well , the mom said , that 's the way her mother did it . So let 's call grandma and ask her why she did it that way , said the daughter . Grandma , now living in Florida , replied that all she had back in the day was four small pans ! Habits unwittingly get handed down . Make - over time ! Am trying this new template and let me know what you think . Mostly I think my blog layout should stay the same as long as possible , but I do like this new one because it 's cleaner . I think the photos show well on the white background and the text might be easier to read too . And now you can more easily see the tabs at the top above the latest post . There are of course some things that need to be tweeked , like the widgets at the right side . Some of those have stupid looking text breaks . One word on a line . . . really ! Just got out another issue of " What Virginia Knows " , which is our family newsletter . It 's just a simple thing by all of for all of us . . . and only we would be interested in reading it : ) Lots of old pictures of people you don 't know , and history and stories about same . What makes a good family history newsletter , I asked myself repeatedly as the months pass ? I 've come to some conclusions about that , and feel free to chime in with your own observation and post comments if you like ! First , it 's really worth the effort ! I put the first one together in an effort to capture what Mom knows about our collected family history , thus the name . Then Aunt Betty brought some good history and stories to the party ! And the cousins too . As time passes , I think the newsletter benefits greatly from everyone throwing in their offerings of shared memories . This issue was 9 pages long and I think that 's a pretty good number of pages . If it 's too long - one issue was about 15 pages of way - too - long stuff - readers get bored with it , and who can blame them ? Six to 12 pages is manageable , depending on how many people are contributing and how many picture you have . Our newsletter covers the Williams family ( Mom 's side ) as well as the Kelly family ( Dad 's side ) and goes out by email to about 25 people . What with the two families and extended families , it can be a problem if the two sides don 't know each other , which most don 't . However most grew up in the same area of Western Maryland and that helps . Very few people outside of hard core genealogy types relish looking at old pictures of someone elses ancestors ; ) It 's important to balance out the offerings for each side and to mix it up . In our newsletter there 's a page of pictures for the Williams side and a page for the Kelly side . Seems about fair . I 'm really lucky in that the cousins are a bunch of writers . It 's really a challenge when you 're the only writer working on the newsletter project ! JC likes to give us mood pieces and they often focus on some aspect of the seasons when we were all growing up , with photos to go with . Cousin Steve is writing his memoirs about enlisting in the Navy when he was just 18 in the late 1960s , going to basic training and then Vietnam . It 's a really good series that 's going to have maybe 10 or 11 installments with photos . My brother Pat tends to write funny pieces about his memories of stuff he or Dad did . Let 's call it True Confessions ; ) Other cousin have thrown in a memory or two to fill out the pages and sent along photos as well . These cousins mostly have kids and now grands too so it 's a place to share and capture some multi - generational stories . Mom and I are the most likely suspects to contribute hard - core genealogy pieces , but Aunt Betty also contributes beautiful offerings with properly identified photos ! Thank for the thousandth time , Aunt Betty ! We three try to include at least one article about the " way back " ancestors in each issue . And no , there are not footnotes . . . we don 't want to freak our readers out ; ) But sources are " softly sited " and provided for those who want to know , hey , were did you get that ? One of the most important things we all can do to make a family history newsletter appealing is to have a balance between text and pictures . Pictures are the sizzle that sell our steak . Each page has at least two photos and usually some clip art . I like clip art , and the more zany the better . Cousin Steve 's Navy narrative has allowed me the opportunity to grab up a bunch of Navy clips and cartoons . . . that was fun : ) Brother Pat did a story about ducks - and I 'll say no more in an effort to protect the guilty - that included a lot of crazy clips ! Clip art is fun and it 's free . We let it all hang out , as the old saying and song goes ! Hey , the statute of limitations has run out and Brother is a criminal defense attorney , so why not ? ! Plus , we just love telling juicy details of the scamps and scoundrels in our lineage . Got to have some sinners to balance out the saints , don 't you think ? As to format , I use Word in a 2 column set up . I made a masthead in PhotoShop , but that 's not really necessary . I 'm using Windows 7 and when the issue is finalized I save it as a PDF file , compressed version for emailing . . . the option is in the Save As box . It 's easy . But before that when I was working on Windows XP , a genealogy friend told me about CutePDF . If you are using XP just google " CutePDF " to find the download and instructions . His Fun for last Saturday ( yes , I 'm about a week behind , oh golly ) is about Mom 's patralinial line and male descendants . It gave me pause . . . which of my living male relatives might be the carrier of my matrilinial line DNA ? I followed the logic , going back a couple of generations , with the objective of then reaching out to male relatives still living . Suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks : Cousin JC ! ! He 's Mom 's brother 's son . And I guess that qualifies . . . although I 'll be the first to admit that I know very little about the DNA stuff . If I have it correct , my brother is the carrier of Dad 's patrilineal DNA . But on Mom 's side , the DNA carrier must be a direct male descendant of the Williams line . And that 's cousin JC . His Dad was Camey Junior and Camey Jr 's father was my Mom 's father . So male to male to male . I live in San Diego and Mom who has been at this since 1970 lives back east in the little town where she was born , Frostburg , Maryland . We can 't do too much talking about genealogy and the ancestors ! And oh the stories : ) Email me at dianew858 @ hotmail . com
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After seeing all the hoopla about volunteering to index the upcoming release of the 1940 US Census , I threw my insecurities out the window and signed up to go a - indexing ! It took about ten minutes total to download the software app , watch the video , sign in to my FamilySearch account and give it a whirl . It 's kinda fun . My hesitation was that I 'm still a newbie and have been known to screw up stuff now and again . . . OK , regularly . But all the big kids were singing its praises so I jumped on the bandwagon . ( Too many metaphors there , but you know what I mean ; ) The video is so simple and straightforward , even I could understand it ! And then they give you a test batch to try out . If you make a mistake or get confused they help you . I 'm working on some birth records now for somewhere in Texas and it 's so very moving to see these records and know that my keystrokes could lead to someone finding their ancestor . OK , I 'm hooked . Plus , I get to pick from a list of records I want to index . That 's really nice . I took a look at some handwriting on records from the War of 1812 and I 'm not there yet . But Texas births . . . I 'm all over that ! It comes to you in little batches so I don 't feel like I 've got this gigantic job to to . It 's just filler work for me . Do a couple every now and then . Writing this blog post is taking longer than the batch I just finished . When I was four years old we moved from Western Maryland to Ohio . Dad had a wonderful new executive position in a plastics plant . . . and if you remember the movie , " The Graduate " , everyone was talking about " plastic " . We visited my Mom and Dad 's families , both from Frostburg MD , regularly . It wasn 't a long drive , so we 'd pack up the car , later the station wagon , and make the trip . I always loved the ride , and mostly it was along the Ohio and then Pennsylvania Turnpikes . Early on the big road ended or hadn 't begun yet , and that was OK with me as I loved the smaller roads that made their way through all manner of villages and towns . Our family life in Ohio was suburban and the streets went on and on until they hit downtown Cleveland . By contrast , little Frostburg seemed a microcosm of life where stores were just across the way and everyone knew everyone . . . and probably was related somehow or other . There were things that puzzled me about life in Frostburg . You could say to the man at the little store , " put it on my bill " and he would ! You couldn 't do that in suburban Cleveland . In Maple Heights we lived at " fifteen one one one " Maple Heights Blvd . In Forstburg the house numbers of the people we saw were mostly single or double didgets . Three numbers indicated that your relative lived on a long street , like Bowery . Main Street was so long it had an east and west side . There were signs that puzzled me and one said simply and profoundly : Beware of Sinks . We passed those signs in and around Ocean Mines MD for a while before I spoke up and asked outright what they meant , interrupting adult conversation . I saw no sinks anywhere on the landscape , of either the bathroom or kitchen variety ! Daniel worked for the Consolidation Coal Company as a foreman at mine # 16 at Ocean , MD which is about a mile from where he lived . In the 1940 's , I remember hearing the digging and conversations of the miners in our kitchen at Ocean . They must have been working near the surface . As a matter of fact , in the late 50 " s about 9 : 00 p . m . one evening , we heard cracking of the walls and I thought the house was on fire . I ran outside to look at the house and nearly fell in a 50 foot cave - in of the road . The ground under the house was pulled toward the cave - in and the house fell 9 feet . None of the doors and windows would close or open properly . What an experience . At that point it was decided that we should move . Signs were placed along the road for several miles which read " Beware of Sinks " . The house used to be even with the road in front of the house and today it is about 10 to 12 feet lower than the road . OK , so here 's where I am so far tracking down my GGF , Daniel Williams ( 1852 - 1920 ) and his trip to the Chicago World 's Fair of 1893 . He was chosen to take a large lump of coal from the Ocean Mines of the Consolidation Coal Company in Western Maryland where he worked as a foreman in mine number 16 . It 's just the kind of detail that tickles the fancy of the story teller in me , so I must know more ! It 's the newspapers of the day that I want , so first stop is to find out what newspapers were published in the area in 1893 . The Library of Congress 's Chronicling America project was go - to location . There I searched on state , then town . Cumberland MD had 64 entries for local newspapers and it was interesting to see the frequency with which they came and went over the years ! The " finalists " on my list to track down for Cumberland are the Cumberland Evening Times ( 1892 - 1916 ) and the Cumberland Daily News ( 1890 - 1923 ) . While talking to Mom this morning she shared that over the years one leans left the other right , politically . Chronicling America 's search for Frostburg MD produced one entry that had relevance and that 's the good old Frostburg Mining Journal , the FMJ . It was published from 1871 to 1913 . None of the above are available online , much to my dismay . So now I have to figure out how to get this research done by remote control . I was at a little workshop on US land records and happened to mention that I had paid $ 25 to get a copy of my 5th GGF 's land sales in 1816 and 1817 and his will . One of the ladies in attendance " hrumphed " with great disdain at my not having gone to upstate New York to track them down myself . Of course it would have been exquisitely better to have gone there and dug through the archives my own self . . . no telling what I might have stumbled into . But it simply was not possible . Likewise , I need a work - around to browse and get a copy of the relevant articles in the FMJ and Cumberland newspapers . Here 's how my latest research project got launched . I was trying to find out more about the mystery photo ( below ) of my GGF , Daniel Williams . We know he worked for the mines but how did the clothing and gear fit into his work ? Can we find out even more about him by following the tracks of this photo ? Hopefully , yes . So I put out some inquiries and Cousin Jo Ann C . wrote back that she thought they had on miner 's hats with lamps . Good observation ! Then Aunt Betty wrote this and I 'm off on another trail as well : Daniel worked for the Consolidation Coal Company as a foreman at mine # 16 at Ocean , MD which is about a mile from where he lived . He was chosen to take a large lump of coal from Ocean Mines It was the Gilded Age and nothing was " too much " , or too new for that matter . It was the first time that a wide area was bathed in electric light at night and by all accounts it was a magical sight ! There 's so much written about this event that you can ( and I did ) lose yourself for hours in the swim of information ! Of course general googling around leads me nowhere in finding the specifics of this effort of Daniel Williams . Now it 's on to newspapers of the day , locally . In Chicago , it was just one of thousands of ventures to make the Exposition a success . But in the hills of Western Maryland it would have been newsworthy . Wish me luck ! I have a problem . Was browsing through Aunt Betty 's Archive of Williams family photos when I came across this one . It 's a puzzle to me and I can 't figure it out . I can and will ask Aunt Betty and Mom both but meanwhile I can 't resist playing history detective , looking hard and trying to figure out what 's going on in it . That 's my GGF Daniel Williams , second from the left and marked clearly in Aunt Betty 's notation at the bottom of the image . I just love how she labeled everyone recognizable in each picture . . . none of these " hidden " notations in the file ID . OK , so at first , in thumbnail version , I could see that it 's a picture of a bunch of men in , perhaps , a kind of uniform with some round things and a piece of equipment on a tripod . The thought crossed my mind for a moment that this was a Civil War group , but that couldn 't be correct . because the puzzle pieces don 't fit . I guessed that they are surveyors and that the equipment is for surveying . So off I went to check the 1910 US census for Frostburg Maryland . It shows Daniel Williams , at 53 years of age , living with his wife Jane with four sons , Thomas 20 YO , Joseph 14 , Cambria 12 ( my GF ) and Charles 10 years old . The census also says that his occupation coal miner . But why is he this get up with other men likewise attired ? Why is a miner dressed up like what appears to be a surveyor ? I 'm stumped , utterly . Ya know , some days . . . ! First , a Dislike about passwords . I try to change my various passwords regularly and rotate from my list of over a half - dozen of them in and out of connection that keep me going . There 's a bit of a theme to them so that when memory fails ( as it too often does ) there 's no need to look them up . . . just try another version . But here 's a recent true tale about passwords . I have three Hotmail accounts for various purposes . One of them is for my landscape painting collectors . In the most recent rotation of password changes I choose a password that I had used before . . . when my Hotmail account was hacked ! Like , so D ' uh ! ! ! And they hacked it again ! All my fault , really . And so my poor collector base kept getting emails from me inviting them to click through to a " work from home " scheme . For three days ! Until I figured out what had just happened there . Grrr . Next is a Like . I really like Google Reader . Was a slow adopter but now that I 'm on board , was thinking this morning that I can 't be without it . I can get cozy and read all the genealogy news that interests me at one sitting . No clicking through or surfing over to various sites . It 's brilliant . Picture of the day from Aunt Betty 's Archive : Was working on my tree on Ancestry . com this morning . It 's the really short and abbreviated version of the GEDCOM that Mom built ( hers with over 60 , 000 individuals on it ! ) Specifically , was adding photos to the small handful of ancestors there because I think it 's nice when people find old photos of their ancestors , and maybe they didn 't know what they looked like or didn 't have that particular picture . So there I was and you know how those little green leaves go wagging around at you . . . and I started wandering off task . I knew that Benjamin Thomas ( Abt . 1793 , Wales - 1846 Lonaconing , MD ) came over on the Tiberias in 1838 into the port of Baltimore but I personally didn 't have a copy of the ship 's manifest . And one of those leaves was wagging about that so I had to go check it out . Let me tell you who Benjamin Thomas is to me . My Mom 's Father was Cambria Williams ( 13 JUL 1897 Ocean Mines MD - 13 SEP 1960 , Frostburg MD ) . Everyone called him Camey and he was named after the Cambrian Mountains of Wales . His Mother was Jane Price ( 5 May 1862 Mt . Savage MD - 2 Feb 1939 Frostburg MD ) , and her Mother was Diane Thomas ( Abt 1832 Wales - 17 Jul 1871 Mt . Savage MD ) . Benjamin Thomas was her Father and my 3rd GGF . OK , back to Ancestry and those leaves and the Tiberias . The search result had it at " Liberias " but his name was spot on as well as the birth year so I had to take a closer look . There he was : Benjamin Thomas , 45 and wife Hannah , 40 with children : John 23 , James 20 , Benjamin 18 , William 15 , Diana 6 ( my GGGM ) , Joseph 3 , Phillip 2 and little Jane an infant . A party of ten ! His occupation was listed as collier . But wait ! Look at the rest of the men on the ships list : all colliers ! ! Now what was a collier ? Googled and Wiki said that anyone who worked with coal was a collier . That seems about right for the region at the time . Then I took a zoom look at the ship 's list page and saw a notation in modern hand that said " Invitation ( ? perhaps ) is Georges ' Creek Co . for all except Mary Bannista of Baltimore . " And I do know about Georges ' Creek Iron and Coal Company . See this link for real interesting bits about it from the site , Western Maryland 's Historical Library , or WHILBR : http : / / www . whilbr . org / GeorgesCreek / index . aspx So that was the deal : the Georges ' Creek Co . recruited Welsh coal miners and shipped them with family over to staff their booming coal and iron business . Benjamin Thomas was 45 . Was he a miner all his working life ? Probably . Am thinking that they wouldn 't have paid him to come all that way if he didn 't know the business . However , he was long - in - the - tooth for a coal miner when they started kids working at about 16 years old and even younger . But his son was coming too and he was a strong young man of 23 . I 'm still amazed at how one thing leads to another in this genealogy stuff ! Photo of the day from Aunt Betty 's archive . Here 's a short post about love in the Zeller Family ( see post below about my GGF , Gustav Zeller . ) Great Grandfather Gus Zeller 's family moved to Chicago but he visited them and knew about family comings and goings such that he made sure big news was mentioned in local newspapers . Here 's the notice of his brother Charles 's wedding in the March 3rd , 1906 issue of the Evening Times of Cumberland , MD . The many friends at this place of Mr . Chas . Zeller , formerly a Frostburger , but now located in Chicago , ILL . , will be pleased to learn of his joining the benedicts and taking a voyage over the sea of matrimony . Mr . Zeller was united in wedlock to Miss E . Long , a prominent young lady of Chicago , by a Luthern minister this week . The happy pair will spend several weeks sojourning among places of interest throughout the United States and Canada , after which they will return to Chicago and make their future home . Mr . Zeller , the groom , is a brother of Mr . G . W . Zeller , the Frostburg tonsorial artist , and resided here for many years prior to his removal to the Windy City with his parents some years ago . If possible the bride and groom will spend a few days here the guests of Mr . and Mrs . G . W . Zeller before ending their honeymoon , where they will be tendered a reception . My GGF , my Grandmother 's Dad , was Gustav Zeller ( 3 FEB 1858 , Frostburg MD - 3 DEC 1927 , Frostburg MD . ) He owned barbershops in Western Maryland that enjoyed success and allowed his family an affluent lifestyle by the standards of the time . He taught some of the sons and his son - in - law , my Grandfather Kelly , the barbering trade . He even had a small barber shop in the back of his house . His son Gus Jr . took over the barber shops when Gus Sr . retired . Reportedly , he had a barber shop at 14 East Main Street that burned on December 14 , 1917 . Then he opened another one at 35 East Main Street making it bigger and better that the old one . This photo documented the arrival of the trolley to Frostburg , MD from Cumberland . That 's GGF in his snappy white barber frock with his hand to head ( signaling hair ? ) on the lower step of the trolley . Smart PR ! 2 / 8 / 1896 : Gus Wm . Zeller received a few days ago 68 fancy fish - silver and gold . Almost 20 were sent to his pond up the pike , 40 remaining here . ( Note : they were put in a fish tank in his shop 's front window . ) 8 / 29 / 1896 : " Stolen Pigeons " , Seven pigeons were stolen by boys from Gus Wm . Zeller last Sunday . When the boys ascertained that Gus had a clue to their identity , they let the pigeons go . Two of them returned to Gus and some of the others flew to Hoffman , their first home . They belong to two branches of the pigeon family - the " Tumblers " and " Rattleshirts " . 6 / 17 / 1899 : One morning very recently , GW Zeller had the occasion to be up during the early hours . Standing inside his back yard he heard someone brush the fence going up the alley . Looking over , he saw a man with a pack on his back trotting low toward Union Street . Gus fired his pistol over the fellow 's head . The chickens in the sack made a loud outcry and the fellow yelled , " Oh My God . " He held on to the chickens . However Gus followed to Union Street . A man coming up saw Gus with a lantern and gun , took to his heels also and neither has been seen since . Gus was about to ask him to help catch the fellow with the sack but the Union Street early bird gave him no chance . Grandma was the only girl and the apple of her father 's eye . When she married , he even built her a separate kitchen onto the house so that she and Ma wouldn 't lock horns over kitchen duties ! Grandma Kelly was born and died in that house . One of these days soon I 've really got to dig more deeply into this branch of the family and see what pops up ! GGF 's parents , Charles and Anna Mary Zeller lived in Frostburg until 1884 when they moved to Chicago . Charles was a confectioner . . . and Anna Mary a diabetic ! Many details of this branch and their family history escapes us in the present generation after the senior Zellers moved . Here he is , well coiffed . . . and look at the mustache ! Ever notice that every family is a little messed up here and there ? Everyones family has little " quirks " that perhaps run the gamut from sweetly endearing to just this side of clinically pathological ; ) I 've often wondered how that happens , and marveled that a behavioral pattern I can clearly see got handed down from one generation to the next . I 'm not naming names here ' cause they know where I live , but I can see that my grandparents did hand down behaviors and habits to Mom and Dad . Most of those behaviors are lovely and cherished and contributed to our fine upbringing . ( Did I tell you Mom reads my blog ? ) I love that old story that speaks to this issue of behavior being handed down . A mom was making Thanksgiving diner and cut the turkey in half and then quarters to roast it , putting it in four small pans . The young daughter watched and then asked her mom why she did that when all her friend 's moms roasted their bird in one big roaster . Well , the mom said , that 's the way her mother did it . So let 's call grandma and ask her why she did it that way , said the daughter . Grandma , now living in Florida , replied that all she had back in the day was four small pans ! Habits unwittingly get handed down . Make - over time ! Am trying this new template and let me know what you think . Mostly I think my blog layout should stay the same as long as possible , but I do like this new one because it 's cleaner . I think the photos show well on the white background and the text might be easier to read too . And now you can more easily see the tabs at the top above the latest post . There are of course some things that need to be tweeked , like the widgets at the right side . Some of those have stupid looking text breaks . One word on a line . . . really ! Just got out another issue of " What Virginia Knows " , which is our family newsletter . It 's just a simple thing by all of for all of us . . . and only we would be interested in reading it : ) Lots of old pictures of people you don 't know , and history and stories about same . What makes a good family history newsletter , I asked myself repeatedly as the months pass ? I 've come to some conclusions about that , and feel free to chime in with your own observation and post comments if you like ! First , it 's really worth the effort ! I put the first one together in an effort to capture what Mom knows about our collected family history , thus the name . Then Aunt Betty brought some good history and stories to the party ! And the cousins too . As time passes , I think the newsletter benefits greatly from everyone throwing in their offerings of shared memories . This issue was 9 pages long and I think that 's a pretty good number of pages . If it 's too long - one issue was about 15 pages of way - too - long stuff - readers get bored with it , and who can blame them ? Six to 12 pages is manageable , depending on how many people are contributing and how many picture you have . Our newsletter covers the Williams family ( Mom 's side ) as well as the Kelly family ( Dad 's side ) and goes out by email to about 25 people . What with the two families and extended families , it can be a problem if the two sides don 't know each other , which most don 't . However most grew up in the same area of Western Maryland and that helps . Very few people outside of hard core genealogy types relish looking at old pictures of someone elses ancestors ; ) It 's important to balance out the offerings for each side and to mix it up . In our newsletter there 's a page of pictures for the Williams side and a page for the Kelly side . Seems about fair . I 'm really lucky in that the cousins are a bunch of writers . It 's really a challenge when you 're the only writer working on the newsletter project ! JC likes to give us mood pieces and they often focus on some aspect of the seasons when we were all growing up , with photos to go with . Cousin Steve is writing his memoirs about enlisting in the Navy when he was just 18 in the late 1960s , going to basic training and then Vietnam . It 's a really good series that 's going to have maybe 10 or 11 installments with photos . My brother Pat tends to write funny pieces about his memories of stuff he or Dad did . Let 's call it True Confessions ; ) Other cousin have thrown in a memory or two to fill out the pages and sent along photos as well . These cousins mostly have kids and now grands too so it 's a place to share and capture some multi - generational stories . Mom and I are the most likely suspects to contribute hard - core genealogy pieces , but Aunt Betty also contributes beautiful offerings with properly identified photos ! Thank for the thousandth time , Aunt Betty ! We three try to include at least one article about the " way back " ancestors in each issue . And no , there are not footnotes . . . we don 't want to freak our readers out ; ) But sources are " softly sited " and provided for those who want to know , hey , were did you get that ? One of the most important things we all can do to make a family history newsletter appealing is to have a balance between text and pictures . Pictures are the sizzle that sell our steak . Each page has at least two photos and usually some clip art . I like clip art , and the more zany the better . Cousin Steve 's Navy narrative has allowed me the opportunity to grab up a bunch of Navy clips and cartoons . . . that was fun : ) Brother Pat did a story about ducks - and I 'll say no more in an effort to protect the guilty - that included a lot of crazy clips ! Clip art is fun and it 's free . We let it all hang out , as the old saying and song goes ! Hey , the statute of limitations has run out and Brother is a criminal defense attorney , so why not ? ! Plus , we just love telling juicy details of the scamps and scoundrels in our lineage . Got to have some sinners to balance out the saints , don 't you think ? As to format , I use Word in a 2 column set up . I made a masthead in PhotoShop , but that 's not really necessary . I 'm using Windows 7 and when the issue is finalized I save it as a PDF file , compressed version for emailing . . . the option is in the Save As box . It 's easy . But before that when I was working on Windows XP , a genealogy friend told me about CutePDF . If you are using XP just google " CutePDF " to find the download and instructions . His Fun for last Saturday ( yes , I 'm about a week behind , oh golly ) is about Mom 's patralinial line and male descendants . It gave me pause . . . which of my living male relatives might be the carrier of my matrilinial line DNA ? I followed the logic , going back a couple of generations , with the objective of then reaching out to male relatives still living . Suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks : Cousin JC ! ! He 's Mom 's brother 's son . And I guess that qualifies . . . although I 'll be the first to admit that I know very little about the DNA stuff . If I have it correct , my brother is the carrier of Dad 's patrilineal DNA . But on Mom 's side , the DNA carrier must be a direct male descendant of the Williams line . And that 's cousin JC . His Dad was Camey Junior and Camey Jr 's father was my Mom 's father . So male to male to male . I live in San Diego and Mom who has been at this since 1970 lives back east in the little town where she was born , Frostburg , Maryland . We can 't do too much talking about genealogy and the ancestors ! And oh the stories : ) Email me at dianew858 @ hotmail . com
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2 . Penis growth . Should start normal then slowly yet continually grow larger and larger until it 's length reaches from a woman 's pussy to the top of her head , somehow directly activating pleasure centers in her brain ( should be at the level of or slight above guy 's nipples by end of story ) . Girth can be as large as 5 " in diameter . Can get larger if the protagonists get taller ( though height should not exceed 8 ' for the guy and 7 ' for the girl . Once it gets bigger , it can 't get smaller ! Circumcised , well shaped , slight upward curve , some veins , stands up on it 's own at about 45 degrees . Wide , flaring , mushroom dickhead almost the size of the woman 's head . Balls the size of cantaloupes . 3 . Correlated continual increase in virility . Guy first gets hard more often at base state , then perpetually hard with precum drip at base , then perpetually hard with continuous precum flow at base , then continuous sperm flow at base , then continual increase in flow at base state . Cock gets harder and harder , then gains consistency of rock , then almost painfully erect and throbbing . Orgasms become more and more prolonged and powerful , eventually spurting thick creamy spunk for minutes or even hours in a thick steady stream . Cock can also hold a woman 's weight under it 's own rigidity alone . 4 . Increase in women 's sexuality . Correlated continual increase in vaginal viscosity and squirting , nearly rivaling prodigious production of male sperm . Increased libido over time and desire for orgasm / bigger cock / more cum . Wants to alter her body 's hormones to produce results that will get her man even HOTTER , spurring more virility . 5 . Woman 's size obsession . Both woman and man wants his cock and balls bigger but especially the woman . She has a size fetish that slowly builds out of hand , is absolutely OBSESSED with huge cock / balls and his sperm production , the bigger the cock / load the bigger her orgasms , and the more she wants more . Has some control over the mechanism by which the guy gets bigger , i . e . persuades him to take more of some pill / hormone / pharmacrop or simply injects him directly . Good example of the idea found in the dissapointingly unfinished " genie " story posted under " Imported " user name ( " shooter " the original author ) . 6 . Loss of control . Hormone / pills / pharmacrop / alien vegetation / magic has some sort of addictive quality , leading to the couple losing all control of the situation as virility and orgasms increase exponentially . Could also be some sort of mental change ( as in " genie " ) that leads to a loss of control . These were ok , but I generally tend to prefer stories involving either one male and one female , or one male with a harem of ladies , and also younger people ( with the guy and girl being between the ages of 15 - 30 or so ) , my preference being towards two teens who get together , since they maintain a certain innocence and lack of learned judgement that might keep them from going a bit too far ( which is what I want to see happen ) . I think there 's also an abundant fertility associated with youth , so that helps too . If you want to know what my favorite story on mcstories is , that 's easy , GhostHostBlue 's " A Generous Spirit , " I don 't think anything on there will ever top it . I was on a holiday on an island in Europe about a year ago . I needed to get away and enjoy some time on the beach and feel the heat on my body . Whenever I can , I take the time to take off and enjoy some quiet time on my own - just a few days here or there is plenty to recharge the batteries . The reason I love this particular island is that the beaches are beautiful , crystal blue and clean , the weather is almost always perfect and the food and the night life are fantastic . People are friendly and you can either choose to be by yourself or get together with other tourists . I love going to the beach and I can stay there for hours alternating between sun baking and swimming and simply walking along the beach or through any greenery that is nearby . I love the feeling of the sun on me , the sound of the gentle rolling of the waves into shore and the sounds of the wildlife all around . Every so often , a speedboat will interrupt the serenity but it is only temporary . The other great thing about this island is that you can find many secluded spots to be in . You can have a beach almost entirely to yourself . One day , I decided to go for a long walk along the coast line . I decided to try and walk as far as I could for at least one or 2 hours , find a quiet spot and simply enjoy myself in the sun - swim , sun bake and just enjoy nature and life . I thought it would be great exercise and it was a bit of fun exploration of the island . I had a small backpack , filled it with some supplies - basically water and some food but not too much as I find I don 't really need to eat much on days like this . I started out about 8am at a beach that was usually very busy as the day wore on but was fairly quiet at this time of the morning . It was warm but not too hot at this stage so I was really happy to keep walking for as long as I felt like . It was a fantastic day and I was really enjoying the walk . I passed by the first beach and then crossed over a small ledge that separated the beach I had started my walk from and the next smaller beach . The ledge was a little rocky but it was only a climb of less than a metre and then a small climb down to the other side where a smaller beach commenced . The smaller beach was very quiet with only a couple of people around . Nevertheless , like the first beach , it was bound to get busier as the day wore on . There were a lot of hotels and holiday apartments along this stretch so easy for people to come out at any time and enjoy the beach . On I went through a series of small beaches separated by little rock ledges . As I continued , there was less sign of civilization - whereas at the start of my trip , there were houses and holiday apartments everywhere along the path , as I kept walking to more inaccessible areas , the prevalence of dwellings decreased . On I went for a good hour and a half until eventually , I found a small secluded stretch of beach that was only about 15 metres between rocky ledges . It seemed like the perfect spot to spot and enjoy a swim . However , I thought I should continue on for another 15 minutes or so and see if there was any better area further along . As I commenced on my walk , the terrain became harder to traverse , there were many more ledges to cross and there was little sand . So , after about 15 minutes , I thought I should return to the little secluded beach I had found . By this stage , I was really eager to relieve myself of my backpack , set up my towel under a little shady area I had seen and actuallyI started on my way back and as I approached the last small ledge to get to my little beach area , I noticed someone in the water . It was a man - extremely muscular from what I could see and fairly tall . He was wading through the water but I only saw him from the waist up . As I looked more closely , he dived into the water and started swimming and as I saw him , it seemed clear to me that he was either not wearing any swimmers or maybe speedos that were a light colour . I have to say I was very disappointed because I really wanted that little beach to myself . As I looked at him further , I noticed he was motioning to someone on the beach . It seemed there was someone else there . So , I discreetly looked over the ledge and saw a woman on the beach . She was not wearing anything and she was lying down with her legs wide open facing the water . I have been to nude beaches before and I know that women rarely sit in that position unless they want to attract attention . Unfortunately , I could not see between her legs from where I was standing which would have been a real turn on . She had a good body - not toned or muscular but natural . Lovely ample breasts and I could see the shine of the sun screen oil on her tanned skin . Initially , I wanted to be on my own , but maybe it would be fun to see what these people were up to . It was a bit of an awkward situation . As I peered over the ledge , I thought I should try and hold back a little and be a bit less obvious . By this stage , the man was swimming and not looking back and while I could not tell if he was wearing a swimming costume , chances were he was not . I decided I would try something and see if it would work . I sat on my side of the ledge and set up my towel so it looked like I was going to stay on the little stretch of sand on my side of the ledge . I removed my clothes and entered the water . With all the sweat I had worked up from my walk and now the anticipation of what would happen , it was refreshing to enter the water . As I splashed in , the man turned around and saw me . He watched me for a few minutes and I managed some turns in the water to make it clear to him that I was not wearing a swimming costume . He certainly seemed to look at me for awhile . I am not sure what he was noticing . I am about 6 foot tall with a lean physique . I have little body hair - just a little bit of chest hair and public hair which I often shave but had not really bothered to in the last few days . I have quite a small cock when it 's not excited . In fact , sometimes it juts out just slightly from my pubic hair if I am really cold or nervous . My balls hang low when I am hot but again are not huge . One hangs a lot lower than the other and is much bigger too . Like most men , I have often wondered what it must be like to have a large cock but alas , it 's not meant to be ! The reason I initially went to a nude beach back home was simply tjosh _ j , After a few minutes , we made eye contact but I did not keep looking . I simply kept swimming but edging closer to where he was . He also started moving towards me so I was not sure what was going to happen . In the meantime , the woman on the beach had noticed me in the water and had stood up to get a better look . I noticed that she was probably in her mid 40 's but with an amazing body for her age . I couldn 't help looking at her lovely large natural breasts and the fact she was shaved between her legs . If only I could get right up and close and check out her lips and cunt . I was really hoping it was practically dripping with wetness but of course , I was too far to see . Although I was checking her out , I was trying not to be too obvious . In the meantime , the man - who I assumed to be her partner - was only a few metres away from me . From closer up , I could see his incredible muscularity . Really , he looked like something you would see in a fitness magazine . Tall , muscular and from what I could tell , hairless . At some point , he stopped approaching me and then started wading back to the beach . As he did that , I saw his well sculpted arms , back and ass and his large thighs . I could not see him from the front but assumed he must have had a huge cock . I had no real reason to know this but I just assumed given the loveliness of his partner that he would probably have something large swinging between his legs . Eventually , he went back to the beach and sat next to his partner . They didn 't seem at all affected by my appearance on the scene . In fact , a few seconds later , they both lay back on their towels , she spread her legs open like before and his did so too . I was still relatively far away and could not really see between their legs clearly but as I had guessed , he had quite a large cock and low hanging large balls . Within seconds of lying down , he kept flicking his cock one way and another seemingly trying to find a comfortable position for his rod to rest . I had the impression they were interested to see how I would react Interestingly , as soon as she got in the water , the man turned partly on his side so that his body was facing me . It was obviously deliberate . He reached for some sun screen and stared rubbing some on his chest . Then he started rubbing some on his pubic area and then lifted his cock and balls and started massaging in the liquid . It was the first time I really got to see their size . His cock was circumcised and easily 8 inches long and about 5 inches thick . He would cup his large balls and lift them , then drop them and smooth over the liquid . This pattern continued again and again and again and it was clear to me that he was masturbating slowly for his own benefit and for mine . Once he had pulled his cock and handled his balls a number of times , he looked over to me to see what I was doing . It was a very overt sexual display and I was a little confused by it . Although I admire attractive men with great bodies and I of course wish my cock was much larger , I don 't really get a sexual thrill out of seeing men play with their cocks and balls . And while I find it interesting to watch and to see how big a cock can get , I really don 't hope to touch it , wank it , suck it or have sex with it . But I suppose what I do enjoy is the idea that someone is so free and easy about their body that they don 't care if anyone else is watching . I find that very titillating and I get excited thinking that someone is so open about their sexual side that they don 't care to show it . It 's liberating . That makes me excited . As I noticed him getting more and more into it and increasingly looking at me , I felt a twinge of guilt that this display that he was probably hoping would excite me in some way was not really having the desired effect . So , I slowly started playing with my cock in a way that he could see . I have a foreskin so the way I often start to masturbate is to pull the foreskin forward and back stretching it . Then I pull the shaft and release my growing glans from the foreskin . By this stage , I have probably produced a lot of pre - cumAs I thought that , I noticed her wading back out of the water . She looked at me but not in any obvious way . Then , when she returned to her towel , she laid down with her legs wide open facing the sea . Meanwhile , the man continued fondling himself . She did not seem to mind that he was doing that so I could see . After a little while , he grabbed the sun screen and asked her if she would like him to apply some . She said yes turned on her back and he started applying it . I have to say , this was very exciting for me as he was doing what I was imagining - rubbing her back in larger and then smaller circles and then doing the same on her bottom and then between her legs . I could not see if he had put a finger inside her but I was hoping so . On that note , I thought that if I left them alone and went for a swim maybe they would enjoy some time on their own . Maybe they were feeling a little horny and I was in their way . I waded out to the beach and started swimming . It was now quite hot , the sun was shining , not a cloud in the sky and the water was crystal clear . I could see my feet when I stood deep in the water . I was enjoying myself a lot . The coolness of the water affected my semi and I went back to my normal penile state . Every so often , I would look back at the couple and see what they were doing . Disappointingly , not a lot ! They were both sun baking on their backs . But then a few minutes later , there was some movement . I saw the man sit up and look around . It looked like he wanted to make sure no - one was watching ( except for me obviously as he could see me in the water quite a few metres away ) . At this stage , I had positioned myself so that I was right in front of them albeit a distance away . What happened next was what I had been hoping for . Facing me , I could see him gently part his partner & # 8217 ; s legs . Although she had her legs open , he gently encouraged her to open them further which she did . He then started rubbing between her legs - slowly at first and then slowly adding some momentum . She must have been enjoying herself as she spread her legs even wider as she accepted his touch . I was still too far away to see too clearly and I did not want to seem too obvious but then I decided I would start coming in closer to shore . I wanted to see her wet cunt and I wanted to see if he was just rubbing her cunt lips or giving her a really good fingering . As I got closer , he saw me but seemed even more eager to continue . He lifted his hand to his mouth and wet his index finger and then he glided it inside her poking her in and out gently but repeatedly . I was really excited - it was happening finally . As he fingered her with one finger of his left hand , his other hand was being used to give himself a good almighty wank . His cock seemed to be getting longer and longer and incredibly thick . Given she was only accepting one finger , I did not believe she was wet enough to accept his engorged penis . At this stage , I was wading out of the water and I was only about 3 metres from them . Like him , my penis was growing larger and larger as I was getting more and more excited from what I was seeing and the anticipation of what was likely to come . I was pumping my cock hard . While my cock is not big when soft , it gets to a decent length or 6 inches when erect and while not very thick it stands up like a rod and is as hard as a piece of wood so what it lacks in size , it makes up in solidity . Anyway , I was wading out of the water wanking myself and he was cranking up the fingering and his own pumping and she was beginning to moan ! It was sensational . Then in a relatively quick maneuver , once his cock had grown to a massive width of what looked like a can of Coke , he got on top of her in the missionary position and startThe man then walked into the water for a swim . This time I followed him and caught up with him . " That was incredible . You know , it was my fantasy to watch people have sex at the beach and now it 's happened . I am really happy " . " It 's massive . You 're lucky . Mine is small when soft , bigger when hard but not as big as yours . I noticed you had a play with yourself when I arrived at the beach . Do you like to be watched or do you like to watch ? " Next time you are putting sun screen on , can you put in one and then 2 fingers inside her ? I would love to see that " . I said " She sucks me off all the time at home . She loves sucking my cock . But she won 't do it when I have sunscreen on it " he said . We then went back to our towels . I repositioned myself so that my cock and balls were directly in the woman 's line of sight . The man could see me too . I then started pulling my cock and fondling my balls . Eventually , my cock was fully erect looking straight up as I lay down . Every so often , the woman would look at me and then put her head back down . She did not turn the other way or try to change her towel position . I was really enjoying myself . I was on a beach on a holiday wanking myself in front of a couple of strangers who had just put on a sex show for me . What more could I ask for ? The rest of the afternoon passed by in the same way . I would be pulling my cock for the woman 's benefit , legs wide open feeling the sea breeze on my glans and tight balls . She would look up every so often to check me out . The man would fondle himself and play with himself periodically . It was just a sensational relaxing yet sexually charged atmosphere . Amazingly , I did not cum as I was just really enjoying having a full erection and being looked at . I just loved it . Later on , I packed up , said goodbye to them and walked away . I knew they would be back the next day and I would be back too . If they enjoyed giving me a show on one day , would they resist on a second occasion ? No and that 's exactly what happened the following day but that adventure is the next chapter in this story . I think you 'd like DruulEmpire . he contributes to ongoing story sites . here 's an example of a self - contained story : Duuude ! That 's Huuuge ! : Paranoia C ' mon , dude , throw it out there . I 'm posting a story , and its my first attempt at fiction ever . It don 't matter what people think , anybody reading this stuff is perverted as you are , anyhow . And , its bound to be better than some of the other stories out there , including mine . The readership is generally quite kind : my story got little favorable feedback , but no - one bashed it either . Don 't do like I did , though ; finish the story before posting it . I 'm attempting to post in installments , writing as I go . Makes it tough to go back and fix things .
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We remained at Fairfax C . H . until the 17th of July , and I was sent with fourteen other men , commanded by Serg . Garret , three miles below Fairfax C H . on the Falls Church road to stand picket , and at 9 o ' clock a . m . we found that McDowell was moving on Manassas Junction by three roads , viz . : Falls Church road , Little River turnpike , and Flint Hill road . Serg . Garret returned to notify the General of McDowell 's movement , but the Gen . had already learned from other pickets , of his advance , so he ordered the army to retreat immediately . As Serg . Garret did not return to us , Corporal McCue sent me back 3 miles to Fairfax C . H . , and when I arrived our Adjt . told me of the retreat and from there I could see Col . Kershaw 's regiment already engaged with the enemy , so I had to return to notify the other pickets to join the command , which we could only do by a flank movement and came very near being cut off entirely by the enemy . When I returned I found that two of our pickets on the Flint Hill road , John Mays and William Mailer had been captured . We continued our retreat to Centerville and remained there until night . Gen . Beauregard 's plan was to throw sky rockets to let us know when to retreat further towards Manassas Junction , and when we called in the last pickets , we were , fired upon by the enemy and two of our horses were killed from under their riders , Edward Hayth and WilHam Walton . During the night we marched across Bull Run at Mitchel 's Ford and laid down for the remainder of the night in front of the guns at Manassas Junction . We were awakened next morning by the fireing of one of the enemy 's guns called " Long Tom . " As this was the first big gun I had seen fired , I remember well the appearance of that shell to me . It looked more like a gate - post flying through the air than any thing else I could compare it to . After hissing through the air about a mile it exploded and I told the boys I knew it had blown Manassas Junction to " kingdom come " and she would need no more protection . It wasn 't many days after this though , until we became more accustomed to the big guns , so we didn 't jump at such hasty conclusions and the fireing wasn 't so exciting or terrifying . I hadn 't seen much of the infantry until that day and when they began double quicking and crossing Bull 's Run at Mitchel 's Ford in order to meet the enemy , I imagined we had men enough to whip the North right there . The cavalry was immediately ordered to make a force march to Stone Bridge and when we got their we found that the 8th Georgia Regiment , commanded by Col . Huntington , in trying to hold the ford had lost nearly all their men and their commander . The 2nd Va . Regiment arrived to go to their rescue , but failed on account of the thick pines . About this time Jackson came in and with Gen . Bee and others , turned defeat into victory . Gen . Bee rushed to Jackson and said ' General they are beating us back , " and Jackson said " we will give them the bayonet . " Gen . Bee encouraged by Jackson 's response shouted to his men : " Look ! there is Jackson and his men standing like a stone wall . " He was ever afterward called " Stonewall Jackson . " As we of the 2nd Va . regiment were unable to get to Stone Bridge to aid in the battle there and were in a dangerous position , being between the fires of both armies . Gen . Beauregaurd ordered us to the rear . Just at that time Gen . Jos . E . Johnson , coming in from the valley , rode up to Beauregaurd 's head - quarters and took command , he being a senior officer . He immediately sent a courier to Col . Radford to halt the 2nd Va Cavalry . Col . Radford told the courier to go to the D - - that he was acting under Beauregaurd 's orders . We were not aware of Johnston being near , but as soon as Johnston saw we didn 't halt he galloped down and shouted : " In the name of Jos . E . Johnston I command you to halt . " Of course , it wasn 't any trouble for Col . Radford or his men to halt , then . He commanded us to cross Bull Run and go toward Cub Run Bridge to intersect the enemy 's line as it passed on retreat , and to shoot all the horses drawing the artillery and wagons . There being 1 , 000 of us . we held the road for nearly a mile , coming on their right flank and being so near before they knew jt that we succeeded in capturing 24 pieces of artillery and the men commanding same . The road was lined with dead horses for nearly a mile , a sight no one would want to witness again , but we were only carrying out orders Our captain ordered the fences to be pulled down and 3 other men and I dismounted and tore them down on both sides . When we mounted we happened to look to our left and saw a house with a crowd of men standing around a well . I proposed to these three comrades that we could go up and fill our canteens as it was such a hot day . When we arrived , there were 60 or 70 of the finest looking men I ever saw . about middle - aged and finely dressed . More gold - headed canes , gold glasses and gold teeth than I had ever seen before on that number of men . We asked them to fill our canteens , which they did and just as they filled the last canteen , one of the men said to us that our command was retreating and I road around the house to where I could see our line and it had passed nearly out of sight . Just then two guns that we hadn 't captured with the other 24 pieces of artillery , and a regiment of infantry also , opened fire on our regiment , and Capt . Radford of 2nd Va . regiment and Serg . Ervin were killed and several others wounded Just as we four men arrived to recross the road , a cannister of grape shot passed down the road striking two of our horses . We rode on about a half mile under a heavy fire , but they were over shooting us , just stripping the leaves from the trees , when one of the horses fell dead from his wound and the other one was still running on three legs . I took the saddle from the dead horse and carried it on my horse that was called the " Flying Artillery " and wouldn 't carry two men , and another comrade took the rider of the horse that was killed . Just after dark a heavy rain began and continued all night and about half the next day , so we were thoroughly drenched by this time . Shortly after day break we started toward Centerville and our skirmish line captured several prisoners on the way . We moved very cautiously through the woods in the downpour of rain , thinking the enemy was at Centerville . But instead of the enemy being at Centerville , we found the homes deserted . Tables were set with the most delicious victuals , fine drinks , etc , having been prepared for a general jubilee after the supposed victory . Some of the houses were locked , but the majority were so that we could easily enter and some of the owners soon returned , so we enjoyed a bountiful repast that was intended for the northern soldiers . After the victory at Stone Bridge and the capture of the artillery at Cub Run Bridge , as they were retreating , the enemy rushed on to Washington panic - stricken . Had we realized the condition of the enemy then , as we afterward knew it to be , we could have pursued them and easily captured them , but we didn 't know the conditions . I believe that Garland found Captain Lay with a part of the Powhatan Troop at Manassas - certainly the place had been picketed for a few weeks - but that was all . Its strategic importance seemed to have been overlooked . On my arrival I found the boys comfortably quartered in tents and enjoying the contents of boxes of good things , which already had begun coming from home . In a little store at the station they had discovered a lot of delicious cherry brandy , which they were dispatching with thoughtless haste . Rigid military rule was not yet enforced , and the boys had a good time . I saw no fun in it . The battalion drill bore heavily upon me ; Garland constantly forgot to give the order to shift our guns from a shoulder to a support . This gave me great pain , made me very mad , and threw me into a perspiration , which , owing to my feeble circulation , was easily checked by the cold breeze from the Bull Run Mountain , and thereby put me in jeopardy of pneumonia . Moreover , I longed for my night - shirt and the clean bed at Gordonsville . The situation was another source of trouble to me . After brooding over it a good while I got my friend Latham to write , at my dictation , a letter to John M . Daniel 's paper , the Richmond Examiner . The letter was not printed , but handed to General Lee , and additional troops began to come rapidly - one or two South Carolina regiments , the First Virginia Regiment , Captain Shields 's company of Richmond Howitzers , Latham 's Lynchburg Battery , in all of which , except the regiments from South Carolina , we had hosts of friends . The more men the sicker I got , and the further removed from that solitude which was the delight of my life . I made up my mind not to desert , but to get killed at the first opportunity . I might get a clean shirt , and would certainly get , in the grave , all the solitude I wanted . Beauregard soon took command . This was a comfort to us all . We felt safe . About this time , too , the wives and sisters of a number of officers came from Lynchburg on a visit to the camp . That was great joy to us all . Lieutenant Latham 's little son , barely two years old , and dressed in full Rifle Grey uniform , was the lion of the hour . The ladies looked lovely . Such a relief after a surfeit of men ; our eyes fairly feasted on them . Other ladies put in an appearance from time to time . Returning from Bristoe , where I had gone to bathe , my eyes fell on three of the most beautiful human beings they had ever beheld . Beautiful at any time and place , they were now inexpressibly so by reason of the fact that women were such a rarity in camp . They were bright figures on a background of many thousand dingy , not to say dirty , men . If I go to heaven - I hope I may - the angels themselves will hardly look more lovely than those young ladies did that solitary afternoon . I was most anxious to know their names . They were the Misses Carey - Hetty and Jennie Carey , of Baltimore , and Constance , their cousin , of Alexandria . No man can form an idea of the rapture which the sight of a woman will bring him until he absents himself from the sex for a long time . He can then perfectly understand the story about the ecstatic dance in which some California miners indulged when they unexpectedly came upon an old straw bonnet in the road . Pretty women head the list of earthly delights . Over and over I heard the order read at dress parade , all closing with the formula , " By command of General Beauregard , Thomas Jordan , A . A . G . " This went on for some weeks without attracting any special attention on my part . At last some one said in my hearing : " Beauregard 's adjutant is a Virginian . " I pricked up my ears . " Wonder if he can be the Captain Jordan I knew in Washington ? I 'll go and see , " I said to myself . Colonel , afterward General , Jordan received me most cordially , dirty private though I was . He was , as usual , very busy . " Sit down a minute . I want presently to have a little talk with you . " My prophetic soul told me something good was coming , and , when , after some preliminary talk about unimportant matters , he said : " So you are a ' high private in the rear rank ? ' " " Well , you are the very man I want . Certain letters and papers have to be written in this office which ought to be done by a man of literary training , and you are just that person . I 'll have you detailed at once , and you must report here in the morning . Excuse me now , I am very busy . " Indeed , he was the busiest man I almost ever saw , and to - day in the office of the Mining Record , of New York , he is as busy as ever . A more indefatigable worker than General Thomas Jordan it would be hard , if not impossible , to find . My duties at first were very light . I ate and slept in camp as before , reported at my leisure every morning at head - quarters , and did any writing that was required of me , General Jordan 's clerks being fully competent to do the great bulk of the work in his office . The principal of these clerks was quite a young man , seventeen or eighteen , perhaps , and was named Smith - Clifton Smith , of Alexandria , Va . - and a most assiduous and faithful youth he was . He is now a prosperous broker in New York . After midnight Jordan was a perfect owl ; there were always papers and letters of a particular character , in the preparation of which I could be of service . We got through with them generally by one A . m . , then had a little chat , sometimes , though not often , a glass of whiskey and water , and then I went back to camp , a quarter of a mile off , not without risking my life at the hands of a succession of untrained pickets . At camp things were comparatively comfortable . The weather was so warm that most of the men preferred to sleep out - doors on the ground . I often had a tent to myself . Troops continued to come . Many went by to Johnston ( who , to our dismay , had fallen back from Harper 's Ferry ) , but many stayed . Water began to fail , wells in profusion were dug , but without much avail , and water had to be brought by rail . Excellent it was . Boxes of provisions continued to come in diminishing numbers , but upon the whole we lived tolerably well . The Eleventh Virginia , its quota now filled , had gone out on one or two little expeditions without material results . It formed part of Longstreet 's Brigade , and made a fine appearance and most favorable impression in the first brigade drill that took place . How thankful I was that I was not in it ! During these days when the camp of the Eleventh Virginia was comparatively deserted , the men being detailed at various duties , there occurred an episode which will never be forgotten by those who witnessed it . Coming down from head - quarters about one o ' clock to get my dinner , I became aware as soon as I drew nigh our tents that something unusual was " toward , " as Carlyle would say . Sure enough there was . In addition to the ladies from Lynchburg , heretofore mentioned , we had been visited by quite a number of the leading men of that city , who came to look after their sons and wards . Several ministers , among them the Rev . Jacob D . Mitchell , had come to preach for us . But now there was a visitor of a different stripe . The moment I got within hailing distance of the captain 's tent I heard a loud hearty voice call me by my first name . Looking up , I beheld the bulky form , the duskyred cheeks and sparkling black eyes of Major Daniel Warwick , a Baltimore merchant , formerly of Lynchburg , who had come to share the fortune , good or ill , of his native State . He was the prince of good fellows , a bon vivant in the fullest sense of the term , a Falstaff in form and in love of fun . What he said was literally true , or nearly so ; he had all sorts of liquors . In order to test him I called for a bottle of London stout . He was standing behind an improvised bar of barrels and planks , set forth with decanters , bottles , glasses , lemons , oranges , and pineapples , with his boy Sam as his assistant . The porteree , which was but one of many that I enjoyed during the major 's stay , was followed by a royal dinner , contributed almost wholly by the major . This was kept up for a week or ten days , officers and men of the Lynchburg companies and invited guests , some of them quite distinguished , all joining in the prolonged feast , which must have cost the major many hundreds of dollars . The major 's inexhaustible wit and humor , his quaint observations on everything he saw , his sanguine predictions about the war , and his odd behavior throughout , were as much of a feast as his eatables and drinkables . He was the greatest favorite imaginable . Everything was done to please him and make him comfortable , including a tent fitted up for him . Being much fatigued by his first day 's experience as an open barkeeper , he went to bed early , the boys all keeping quiet to insure his sleeping . Within twenty minutes they heard him snoring , and the next thing they knew the tent burst wide open and out rushed the corpulent major , clad only in his shirt , and as he came he shouted at the pitch of his stentorian voice : " Gi ' me a ' r , gi ' me a ' r ! For God 's sake , gi ' me a ' r ! " Of course there was a universal burst of laughter , which the major bore with perfect good nature . Thenceforth he slept on a blanket under the canopy of heaven , enjoying it as much , he declared , as a deer hunt in the wilds of western Virginia . He carried with him , when he left , the Godspeed of hundreds of hearts grateful for the abundant and unexpected happiness he had brought them . This was that same major who cut up such pranks in New York City a few months after the war ended - picking up a strong negro on the street and forcing him to eat breakfast with him at the Prescott House , imperiously ordering the white waiters to attend to his every want , then walking arm in arm with the negro down Broadway , each having in his mouth the longest cigar that could be bought , and puffing away at a great rate , to the intense disgust of the passers - by . Of this freak I was myself eye - witness . In the restaurants he would burst out with a lot of Confederate songs , and keep them up till scowls and oaths gave him to understand that it would be dangerous to continue , when he would suddenly whip off into some intensely loyal air , leaving his auditors in doubt whether he was Union or secesh , or simply a crank . In the street - cars and omnibuses he would ostentatiously stand up for negro women as they entered , deposit their fare , gallantly help them in and out , taking off his hat as he did , and bitterly inveighing against those who refused to follow his example . So pointed were his insults that his huge size alone saved him from many a knockdown . He lived too merrily to live long , and died in Baltimore in 1867 , I believe . Ever since the fall of Sumter Beauregard 's star had been in the ascendant . His poetical name seemed to carry a magical charm with it . Jordan had implicit faith in him . Many others looked upon him as likely to be the foremost military figure of the war , and were prepared to attach themselves to his fortunes . Keeping my place as a private detailed for duty in the adjutant 's office , I contented myself with a simple introduction to the general , and did not presume to enter into conversation with him - a privilege most editors would have claimed . ( I was then editor of the Southern Literary Messenger . ) But I availed myself of my opportunity to study this prominent character in the pending struggle . His athletic figure , the leonine formation of his head , his large , dark - brown eyes and his broad , low forehead indicated courage and capacity . Of his mental caliber I could not judge , but others spoke highly of it . He indefatigably studied the country around Manassas , riding out every day with the engineer officers and members of his staff . He was eminently polite , patient , and good - natured . I never knew him to lose his temper but once , and then the occasion was ludicrous in the extreme . Just before the battle of Manassas the militia of all the adjoining counties were called out in utmost haste to swell our numbers . A colonel of one of the militia regiments , arrayed in old - style cocked hat and big epaulets , came up a morning or two before the battle and asked to see the general . When General Beauregard appeared , he said with utmost sincerity : " Well , sir , I might as well attempt to pull down that sun from heaven as to allow your men to return home at a critical moment like this . Go tell your men to prepare for battle at any instant . There is no telling when it may come . " Beauregard 's high qualities as an engineer - most signally proved by his subsequent defence of Charleston , compared with which the reduction of Sumter was a trifle - were acknowledged on all hands . What he would be at the head of an army in the open field remained to be seen . It was a trying time for him ; but if he were nervous no one discovered it . His staff was composed mostly of young South Carolinians of good family , and he had in addition a number of volunteer aids , all of them men of distinction . Ex - Governor James Chestnut was one , I think . William Porcher Miles , an accomplished scholar and elegant gentleman , I am sure was . So was that grand specimen of manhood , Colonel John S . Preston ; also , Ex - Governor Manning , a most charming and agreeable companion . His juleps , made of his own dark brandy and served at mid - day in a large bucket , in lieu of something better , greatly endeared him to us all . One day all these distinguished gentlemen suddenly disappeared . Colonel Jordan simply said they had gone to Richmond ; but evidently something was in the wind . What could it be ? On their return , after a week 's absence , as well as I remember , there was an ominous hush about the whole proceeding . Nobody had anything to say , but there was a graver , less happy atmosphere at head - quarters . Gradually it leaked out that Mr . Davis had rejected Beauregard 's proposal that Johnston should suddenly join him and the two should attack McDowell unawares and unprepared . The mere refusal could not have caused so much feeling at head - quarters . There must have been aggravating circumstances , but what they were I never learned . All I could get from Colonel Jordan was a lifting of the eyebrows , and " Mr . Davis is a peculiar man . He thinks he knows more than everybody else combined . " What ! want of confidence in our president , at this early stage of the game ? Impossible ! A vague alarm filled me . I had been the first - the very first , I believe - to nominate Mr . Davis for the presidency ; had violated the traditions of the oldest Southern literary journal in doing so . I had no personal knowledge of his fitness for the position . No . But his record as a soldier in Mexico , his experience as minister of war , and his fame as a statesman seemed to point him out as the man ordained by Providence to be our leader . And now so soon distrusted ! I tried to dismiss the whole thing from my mind , it distressed me so . But it would not down at my bidding . Many prominent men came to look after the troops of their respective States , sometimes in an official capacity , sometimes of their own accord . Among them was Thomas L . Clingman , of North Carolina , with whom I had a slight acquaintance . How it came about I quite forget , but we took a walk , one afternoon , down the Warrenton road , and fell to talking about the subject uppermost in my thoughts - Mr . Davis . Clingman seemed to know his character thoroughly , and fortified his opinions by facts of recent date at Montgomery and Richmond . Particulars need not be given , if , indeed , I could recall them ; but the upshot of it all was , that in the opinion of many wise men the choice of Jefferson Davis as President of the Confederate States was a profound , perhaps a fatal , mistake . Unable to controvert a single position taken by Clingman , my heart sank low , and never fully rallied , for the sufficient reason that Mr . Davis 's career confirmed all that Clingman had said - all and more . As the plot thickened , so did occurrences in and around head - quarters . Beauregard kept open house , as it were , many people dropping in to the several meals , some by invitation , others not . The fare was plain , wholesome , and abundant , rice cooked in South Carolina style being a favorite dish for breakfast as well as dinner . The new brigadiers also dropped in upon us from time to time . One of them was my old school - mate , Robert E . Rodes , a Lynchburger by birth , but now in command of Alabama troops . In him Beauregard had special confidence , giving him the front as McDowell approached . Rodes was killed in the valley in 1864 , a general of division , full of promise , a man of ability , a first - rate soldier . Lynchburg has reason to be proud of two such men as Garland and Rodes . Soldiers continued to arrive . As fast as they came they were sent toward Bull Run , that being our line of defence . Some regiments excited general admiration by their fine personal appearance , their excellent equipment and soldierly bearing . None surpassed the First Virginia Regiment in neatness or in drill - in truth , few approached it . The poorest set as to size , looks , and dress were some of the South Carolinians . Louisiana sent a fine body of men . But by odds the best of our troops were the Texans . Gamer men never trod the earth . In their eyes and in their every movement they showed fight , and their career from first to last demonstrated the truth , in their case at least , of the old Latin adage , " Vidlus index est animi " - the face tells the character . I verily believe that fifty thousand Texans such as those who came to Virginia , properly handled , could whip any army the North could muster . But as a whole our men did not compare with the Union soldiery . They were not so large of limb , so deep in the chest , or so firm - set , and in arms and clothing the comparison was still more damaging to the South . A friend of mine , who lingered in Washington till he could linger no longer , halted a day at Manassas on his way to his old home in Culpeper County . With great pride I called his attention to Hays 's magnificent Louisiana regiment , one thousand four hundred strong , drawn out full length at dress parade . He shook his head , sighed heavily , and described the stout - built , superbly equipped men he had seen pouring by thousands upon thousands down Pennsylvania Avenue . This incident made little impression on me at the time , my friend being of a despondent nature ; but after my talk with Colonel Clingman it returned to me , and , I confess , depressed me not a little . The camps were now deserted , the regiments being picketed on Bull Run . It was painful for me to go among the empty tents ; it was like wandering about college in vacation - nay , worse , for it was morally certain that some , perhaps many , would return to the tents no more . I missed the faces of my friends ; I longed for the lemonade " with a stick in it " that Captain Shields and Dr . Palmer used to give whenever I made them a visit , and I really pined for the red shirt and cheery voice of Captain H . Grey Latham , as he went from tent to tent , telling them new jokes , and on leaving , repeating his farewell formula , " Yours truly , John Dooly , " which actually got to be funny by perpetual repetition and became a by - word throughout the army . Finally I got so sick of the deserted camp that I asked Clifton Smith to let me share his pallet in the little shed - room cut off from the porch at head - quarters . He kindly assented , and I moved up , but still took my meals at camp . Doleful eating it would have been but for the occasional presence of my dear friend , Lieutenant Woodville Latham , who , being judge of a courtmartial then in session , had not yet joined the Eleventh Virginia at Bull Run . The nights were so hot that I found it almost impossible to sleep in Clifton Smith 's little shed - room . My mind was excited by the approaching battle , and my habit of afternoon napping added to my sleeplessness . So the little sleep I got was in a chair on the porch . Near me , on the dinner - table , too long for any room in the house , lay young Goolsby , a lad of sixteen , who acted as night orderly . The calls upon him were so frequent and the pain of being awakened so great , that finally I said to him : " Sleep on , Goolsby , I 'll take your place . " He was very grateful . So I played night orderly from 12 o ' clock till 6 A . M . thenceforward , and on that account slept the longer and the harder in the afternoon . Near sunset on the 18th I arose from Smith 's pallet in the shed - room , washed my face , and walked out upon the porch . It was filled with officers and men , all looking toward Bull Run . One of them said : And that is all I know about the battle of the 18th . I had slept through the whole of it ! Major Harrison , of our regiment , was killed ; Colonel Moore , of the First Virginia Regiment , and Lieutenant James H . Lee , of the same regiment , were wounded , the latter seriously , as it turned out . There were no other casualties that particularly interested me . Every one knew the ordeal was at hand . The movements preceding the great tragedy had the hurry and convergence which belong to all catastrophes . A confused mixture of memories is left me - things relevant and irrelevant . L . W . Spratt , Thomas H . Wynne , Mrs . Bradley T . Johnson - the big guns of the intrenched camp ; the night arrival of Johnston 's staff , the parting with my friend Latham - all these and many more recollections are piled up in my mind . Beauregard 's plan of battle had been approved by General Johnston . Ewell was to attack McDowell 's left at early dawn , flank him , and cut him off from Washington , our other brigades from left to right cooperating . Until midnight and later all of Colonel Jordan 's clerks were busy copying the battle orders , which were at once sent off to the divisions and brigades by couriers . I myself made many copies . The last sentence I remember to this day ; it read as follows : " In case the enemy is defeated he is to be pursued by cavalry and artillery until he is driven across the Potomac . " He needed no pursuit , but went across the Potomac all the same . No , not all the same . Had we followed in force the result might have been different . I sat up as usual that night , but recall no event of interest . As morning dawned , I wondered and wondered why no sound of battle was heard - none except the distant roar of Long Tom , which set the enemy in motion . How Ewell failed to get his order , how our plan of battle failed in consequence , and how near we came to defeat , is known to all . ' Tis an old , and to Confederates , a sad story . On the morning of the 18th , as Beauregard walked out to mount his horse , he stumbled and came near falling - a bad augury , which , we thought , brought a shadow over his face . But on this morning , the 21st all went well ; the generals and their staffs , after an early breakfast , rode off in high spirits , victory in their very eyes . My duty was to look after the papers of the office , which had been hastily packed up , and , in case of danger , see that they were put on board a train , which was held in readiness to receive them and other valuable effects . The earth seemed to vomit men ; they came in from all sides . Holmes , from Fredericksburg , at the head of his division , in a high - crown , very dusty beaver , I well recollect . He made me laugh . Barksdale , of Mississippi , halting his regiment to get ammunition . The militia ensconced behind the earthworks of the intrenched camp , their figures flit before me . It was a superb Sabbath day , cloudless , and at first not very hot . A sweet breeze from the west blew in my face as I stood on a hill overlooking the vale of Bull Run . I saw the enormous column of dust made by the enemy as they advanced upon our left . The field of battle evidently would be where the comet , then illuminating the skies , seemed to rest at night . Returning to head - quarters I reported to Colonel Jordan the movement upon our left . Again and again I walked out to watch the progress of the battle , which lasted a great deal longer than I expected or desired . The pictures of battles at a distance , in the English illustrated papers , give a good idea of what I saw , minus the stragglers and the wounded , who came out in increasing numbers as the day advanced , and disheartening President Davis as he rode out to the field in the afternoon . At noon or thereabout a report that our centre had been broken hurried me back to head - quarters , and although the report proved false , kept me there for several hours , the battle meanwhile raging fiercely , and not a sound from Ewell . Unable longer to bear the suspense , I left important papers , etc . , to take care of themselves , and set out for the battle - field , determined to go in and get rid of my fears and doubts by action . I reached the hill which I had so often visited in the morning , and paused awhile to look at some of our troops , who were rapidly moving from our right to our left . Just then - can I ever forget it ? - there came , as it seemed , an instantaneous suppression of firing , and almost immediately a cheer went up and ran along the valley from end to end of our line . It meant victory - there was no mistaking the fact . I stood perfectly still , feeling no exultation whatever . An indescribable thankful sadness fell upon me , rooting me to the spot and plunging me into a deep reverie , which for a long time prevented me from seeing or hearing what went forward . Night had nearly fallen when I came to myself and started homeward . The road was filled with wounded men , their friends , and a few prisoners . I spoke kindly to the prisoners , and took in charge a badly wounded young man , carrying him to the hospital , from the back windows of which amputated legs and arms had already been thrown on the ground in a sickening pile . At head - quarters there was a great crowd waiting for the generals and Mr . Davis to return . It was now quite dark . A deal of talking went on , but I observed little elation . People were worn out with excitement - too many had been killed - how many and who was yet to be learned . War is a sad business , even to the victors . I saw young George Burwell , fourteen years of age , bring in Colonel Corcoran , his personal captive . " When will we advance ? " " We will be in Baltimore next week . " How far wrong even the wisest are ? We never entered Baltimore , and that victorious army , rne - half of which had barely fired a shot , did not fight another pitched battle for nearly a year ! It was after midnight when I carried to the telegraph office Mr . Davis 's despatch announcing the victory . Inside the intrenched camp one thousand or twelve hundred prisoners were herded , the militia standing up side by side guarding them and forming a human picket - fence , funny to behold . It was clear as a bell when I walked back ; the baleful comet hung over the field of battle ; all was very still ; I could almost hear the beating of my tired heart , that had gone through so much that day . Too much exhausted to play orderly , I slept in my chair like a top . The next day , Monday , the 22d , it rained , a steady , straight downpour the livelong day . Everybody flocked to head - quarters . Not one word was said about a forward movement upon Washington . We had too many generals - in - chief ; we were Southerners ; we didn 't fancy marching in the mud and rain - we threw away a grand opportunity . For days , for weeks , you might say , our friends kept coming from Alexandria , saying with wonder and impatience : " Why don 't you come on ? Why stay here doing nothing ? " No sufficient answer , in my poor judgment , was ever given . The dead and the dying were forgotten in the general burst of congratulation . Now and then you would hear the loss of Bee and Bartow deplored , or of some individual friend it would be said : " Yes , he is gone , poor fellow " ; but this was as nothing compared to the joyous hubbub over the victory . How proud and happy we were ! Didn 't we know that we could whip the Yankees ? Hadn 't we always said so ? Henceforth it would be easy sailing - the war would soon be over , too soon for all the glory we felt sure of gaining . What fools ! Captain H . Grey Latham , in his red shirt , was a conspicuous figure at head - quarters . His battery had covered itself with renown ; congratulations were showered upon him . I saw Captain ( afterward colonel , on Lee 's staff ) Henry E . Peyton come over from General Beauregard 's room blazing with excitement and exaltation . Yesterday he was a private - now he was a captain , promoted by Beauregard first of all because of his signal gallantry on the field . " By - ! " he exclaimed to me , " when I die , I intend to die gloriously . " Alas ! Colonel Peyton , confidential clerk of the United States Senate and owner of one of the best farms in Loudoun County , is like to die in his bed as ingloriously as the rest of us . A young Mr . Fauntleroy , desiring an interview with General Joseph E . Johnston , I offered to procure it for him , and pushed through the crowd to the table at which he sat . " Excuse me , General Johnston , " I began . " Excuse me , sir ! " he replied , in tones that sent me away in a state of demoralization . The next thing I remember is the coming on of night , and my resuming my post as night orderly . I was seldom aroused , and slept soundly in a chair , tilted back against the wall . In the yard just in front of me were a number of tents , one of which was occupied by President Davis . The rising sun awakened me . My eyes were still half open when Mr . Davis stepped out of his tent , in full dress , having made his toilet with care . Seeing no one but a private , apparently asleep in a chair , he looked about , turned , and slowly walked to the yard fence , on the other side of which a score or more of captured cannon were parked , Long Tom being conspicuous . The president stood and looked at the cannon for ten minutes or more . Having never seen him close at hand , I went up and looked at the cannon too , but in reality I was looking at him most intently . That was the turning - point in my life . Had I gone up to him , made myself known , told him what I had done in his behalf , and asked something in return , my career in life would almost certainly have been far different . We were alone . It was an auspicious time to ask favors - just after a great victory - and he was very responsive to personal appeals . My prayer would have been heard . In that event I should have become a member of his political and military family , or , what would have suited me much better , have gone to London , as John R . Thompson afterward did , to pursue in the interest of the Confederacy my calling as a journalist . But Clingman 's talk had done its work . Already prejudiced against Mr . Davis , his face , as I examined it that fateful morning , lacked - or seemed to - the elements that might have overcome my prejudices . There was no magnetism in it - it did not draw me . Yet his voice was sweet , musical in a high degree , and that might have drawn me had I but spoken to him . I could not force myself to open my lips , but walked back to my chair on the open porch , and my lot in life was decided . General Beauregard removed his head - quarters to the house of Mr . Ware , some distance from Manassas Station , a commodious brick building , in which our friend , Lieutenant James K . Lee , lay wounded . Mr . Ware 's family remained , but most of the house was given up to us . I slept in the garret with the soldier detailed to nurse Lieutenant Lee . In the yard were a number of tents occupied by the general and his staff . Colonel Jordan 's office was in the house . My duty , hitherto light and pleasant , now became somewhat heavy and disagreeable . I had to file and forward applications for furlough , based mainly upon surgeons ' certificates . This brought me in contact with many unlovely people , each anxious to have his case attended to at once . It was very worrying . Others beside myself , the clerks and staff officers , seemed to be as much worried by their labors as I was by mine . Fact is , young Southern gentlemen , used to having their own way , found it hard to be at the beck and call of anybody . The excitement of battle over , the detail of business was pure drudgery . We detested it . The long , hot days of August dragged themselves away . No advance , no sign of it ; the men in camp playing cards , the officers horse - racing . This disheartened me more than all things else , but I kept my thoughts to myself . At night I would walk out in the garden and brood over the possible result of this slow way of making war . The garden looked toward the battle - field . At times I thought I detected the odor of the carcasses , lightly buried there ; at others I fancied I heard weird and doleful cries borne on the night wind . I grew melancholy . Twice or thrice a day I went in to see Lieutenant Lee . Bright and hopeful of recovery , he gave his friends a cheery welcome and an invitation to share the abundant good things with which his mother and sisters kept him supplied . A visit to his sick chamber was literally a treat . The chances seemed all in his favor for two weeks or more after our arrival at the Ware house , but then there came a change for the worse , and soon the symptoms were such that his kinsman , Peachy R . Grattan . reporter of the court of appeals , was sent for . He rallied a little , but we saw the end was nigh . Mr . Grattan promised to send for me during the night in case anything happened , and at two o ' clock I was called . The long respiration preceding death had set in . Mr . Grattan , kneeling at the bedside , was praying aloud . The prayer ended , he called the dying officer by name . " James " ( louder ) , " James , is there anything you wish done ? " Lieutenant Lee murmured an inarticulate response , made an apparent effort to remove the ring from the finger of his left hand , and sank back into the last slumber . I waited an hour in silence ; still the long - drawn breathing kept up . I went to my pallet in the garret , but could not sleep ; at dawn I was down again . The long breathing continued ; Mr . Grattan sat close to the head of the bed and I stood at the foot , my gaze fixed on the dying man 's face . Suddenly both his eyes opened wide ; there was no " speculation " in them , but the whole room seemed flooded with their preternatural light . Just then the sun rose , and his eyes closed in everlasting darkness , to open , I doubt not , in everlasting day . So passed away the spirit of James K . Lee . Let me say a word or two in conclusion . In 1861 I was thirty - three years old ; now I am fifty - five , gray and aged beyond my years by many afflictions . I wanted to see a great war , saw it , and pray God I may never see another . I recall what General Duff Green , an ardent Southerner , said in Washington , in the winter of 1861 , to some hot - heads : " Anything , anything but war . " So said William C . Rives to some young men in Richmond just after the fall of Sumter : " Young gentlemen , you are eager for war - you little know what it is you are so anxious to see . " Those old men were right . War is simply horrible . The filth , the disease , the privation , the suffering , the mutilation , and , above all , the debasement of public and private morals , leave to war scarcely a redeeming feature . * * * I wrote you on the eve of the battle of Bull Run . Little did I imagine then the sufferings and dangers we had to undergo before another sunset . At 2 A . M . Sunday , the 21st , we took up the line of march for Bull Run , all eager for a fight . We went off without breakfast , but with a promise that we should have a cup of coffee before we went into action . After passing Centreville , three miles from our camp we turned to the right through the woods and marched a distance of eleven miles . We came upon the open ground where we found the enemy drawn up in battle array . Without waiting for us to rest , or even get a drink of water , we started off on double quick , for four miles . It was now half past nine A . M . , and a hot July sun was pouring down upon us . There was no necessity for a double quick , and our General did not appear to thing we had any feeling . We went into action , however , in gallant style , and for two hours we engaged in an almost hand to hand conflict with a very superior force , and drove them more than half a mile , when , finding that Gen . McDowell was not going to send us any reinforcements and our men were getting out of ammunition , our Colonel gave the order to retreat to a wood in our rear . Just as we were entering the wood our Colonel was struck by a Minie ball and wounded . We were so greatly fatigued that many of us fell upon the ground completely exhausted . In a moment one of Gen . McDowell 's Aids said we must charge upon a battery . We did so , when the teamsters commenced shouting that we were defeated . That set the men to going and when commenced , was the greatest rout ever heard of . It was every man for himself , and the devil take the hindermost - no order , nothing . Our Regiment kept on line , and marched back to the centre of the field three times , in the hope that others would rally around us , but they would not so we commenced the retreat in good order until the artillery and baggage by breaking through our ranks broke us up . I had the colors of our Regiment with me and succeeded in rallyiI am well and tough as a pine knot . I was never healthier in my life . To recap , here 's how this works : as I read Edward Longacre 's study of the First Battle of Bull Run , The Early Morning of War , I put little Post - Its where I saw something with which I agreed or disagreed , or which I didn 't know , or which I did know and was really glad to see ; essentially , anything that made me say " hmm … " So I 'll go through the book and cover in these updates where I put the Post - It and why . Some of these will be nit - picky for sure . Some of them will be issues that can 't have a right or wrong position . Some of them are , I think , cut and dry . So , here we go : I see the actions in the Shenandoah Valley at this time as much less important to the story of First Bull Run than does pretty much everyone else , primarily because it figured so little in Federal planning , and even in the failure of that planning ( more on that later , but I 've written about it often ) . Needless to say , Mr . Longacre is not of the same opinion , and provides substantial coverage of that area of operations . I didn 't skip over this when reading the book , so I won 't skip over it here . P . 45 - I was unaware that Joseph Johnston resigned from the army in 1837 , to take a civilian position with the Topographical Bureau in Washington . This is similar to a tact taken by George Meade , who , like Johnston , was assigned to the artillery upon graduation from West Point and who , like Johnston , felt he was stagnating there , and who , like Johnston , moved to a civilian position in the Topographical Bureau , and who , like Johnston , used this as a backdoor later to return to the army in the more prestigious Topographical Engineers . I did not know that about Johnston ( Longacre does not make the Meade connection , which is neither here nor there ) . Many of the officers got no sleep that night . All were awakened at 11 A . M . and marched at the appointed time . We were delayed soon after leaving camp for other divisions to pass , and did not leave Centerville till some time after sun rise . Just after leaving Centerville , we passed Col . Keyes ' brigade , containing the Maine 2d . Many of our friends came to take us by the hand as we passed , and said there had been an unbroken column passing them since early dawn . About two miles further on we turned to the right in order to outflank the enemy 's position and attack in the rear . Gen . Tyler 's division , in which was the 2d Maine , attacked in front . By order of Gen . McDowell , our brigade halted at the turn and allowed Cols . Franklin and Wilcox to pass on . The Ellsworth Zouaves were the rear regiment of Wilcox 's brigade . The guns had now become quite frequent , and we saw the red - shirted and red - capped Zouaves disappear at double quick . We waited till noon , some improving the time to get a little sleep . An order then came to hurry us forward , and we marched at quick step for about four miles - then took a path through the woods - a shorter route than the others had taken . Messengers came back saying we were carrying the day , and at this point an order was brought from Gen . McDowell to go at double quick . This was unfortunate , for the men were tired and very much heated - but the order came from the scene of conflict and we pressed on . When we came neat the battle ground we began to meet ambulances with the wounded and dying . Col . Hunter was the first one severely wounded whom we met . We were then under cover of the woods where was a hospital . As soon as we came out the cannon balls began to fly about is in terrible profusion . Some of the officers left their horses here , preferring to be on foot . Col . Howard and aids rode at the head of the column - Maine 4th in advance , Vermont 2d next , Maine 5th , Maine 3d in the rear . The first two formed in line in a ravine and marched up a hill where there were some trees , but unfortunately the battery they were there to support retreated before they arrived , and met them as they came up . The 5th and 3d formed and awaited orders , but soon after a body of cavalry came dashing down the hill in retreat , and thCol . Whiting , Vt . 2d , showed great coolness and courage as did Col . Berry , 4th . The Maine 4thhad halted in a line with the Vermont 2d , but the enemy were so sheltered and at such a distance their firing took little effect . The 3d and 5th came up , but advanced no further . No order to that effect had come from Col . H . , but undoubtedly their officers supposed such to be the case . Col . h . made a strenuous attempt to move them , riding out in front and urging them on , but once halted it was impossible to advance them further , and they were exposed to a galling fire . Maj . Staples , commanding the 3d Maine , and Lieut . Burt , Brigade Quartermaster , conducted with heroic gallantry , leading on the regiment . Col Howard 's horse was shot , and shells were exploding about him . The fire of our musketry seemed so utterly useless and the ranks were so thin that no better course could be taken than to retreat , as all our forces were doing . After we had reached the ravine again the battery began to pour down upon us a most destructive fire . We passed up the opposite hill . Troops were now flying in all directions , and our men started to run . Col . Howard distinctly said at this moment that he would not run away , he would be taken first . He therefore walked his horse with the few who still adhered to him , and a little further on we rallied all that could be found of the 3d brigade . The enemy now began to press upon the rear , and the order came to retreat to Centreville . Brave men regretted deeply this command , but it was transmitted to our brigade with the additional modification , " in good order . " A panic seemed to have taken hold of all our forces , and there was great confusion in the retreat . There was danger of our being cut off , and just before we reached Centreville another gun opened upon us ; but evidently the enemy was too disabled and exhausted to secure the advantages which they might have had from our confused retreat had they been fully aware of our condition . We found our reserve had had a battle at Centreville , but had succeeded in driving back the enemy , and now received our mass of flying soldiers in safety . Many kept right on toward Washington . Our brigade returned to their old camp , attended to the wounded we had brought away , made hot coffee , and the men for the most part went to rest . Our officers finding that the other troops were all leaving , were desirous of starting for Washington . There were rumors that the enemy were close upon us . Col . Howard , however , would not retreat further without orders , and sent to headquarters for instruction . The general order for retreat then came , and we set out in perfect order from Centreville . Our baggage had all fallen into the hands of the enemy , the train having attempted , by some misunderstanding , to follow too closely upon the column . The officers lost all except what they wore upon their persons . We halted to rest a Fairfax Court House , but remained there only about an hour . Before daylight we were on our way again . Col . Howard determined to take the brigade back to our old encampment at Clermont , though all the other troops had gone either to Alexandria or Washington . After staying there a few hours , as there were alarming rumors , and many of the officers and men were anxious to come to town , Col . H . procured a train of cars and took them to Alexandria , where he obtained quarters for the four regiments . The 3d Maine returned to Clermont last night , and the others will do so immediately , as it is a healthy location , and much better than the narrow and filthy quarters afforded in the city . * Charles Henry Howard enlisted as a private in the 3rd ME Infantry , and at that time was assigned as a clerk to the colonel of the regiment , his brother Oliver Otis Howard . When Col . Howard was elevated to brigade command , Pvt . Howard joined his brigade staff . We marched about four miles from Centreville , where we halted in a pleasant grove near Gen . McDowell 's quarters , and awaited further orders . While resting , we could distinctly hear the incessant reports of cannon and musketry from both sides , and ( listening for ourselves the sound of charges ) we were satisfied that our forces were gradually driving the enemy , when the order came to forward , which was promptly done . Gen . Howard gave the order to forward double - quick time , which pace was kept up for over four miles , through an open field , most of the way , and the sun pouring its melting rays directly in our faces . The result of this , ( which was wholly unnecessary ) was that many of the troops were obliged to leave the ranks ; many of the men were sun - struck , some even died from the effects of it . I was one of the number that was sun - struck , I suppose , for I cannot tell what else it could be . I run as long as I could stand , when I fell perfectly insensible , and remained so for nearly an hour , I should judge ; the first I knew , some one was pouring water upon my feet , wrists and head , who also gave me something to drink . I have since learned that it was the Hospital Sergeant , and he tells me there were over a hundred in the same situation that I was . After I came to a realizing sense of my situation , I threw away my blankets and tried to regain my feet , which I finally succeeded in doing , and started at a slow pace for the battle - ground . I passed several deserted ( concealed ) batteries , from which our troops had just drove the Rebels , and arriving upon a small hill , I had a distinct view of the grounds . Below was a small valley , from which the Rebels had but a few moment before retreated to another but a short distance . I passed to the opposite hill , looking for our Regiment , but could hear nothing from it until the retreat commenced , when I met one of the w [ ? ] ers , who told me the Regiment was badly cut to pieces . Several Regiments passed me on their retreat , before I saw any of the boys from our Regiment . But at last We retreated to our old camp , from which we started in the morning , and should have made a stand there , but it seemed to me that the officers were more frightened than the troops , though I suppose they expected there would be an advance of the Rebels on Washington . We had stopped only a few moments , when the order came to march to Washington , which we did , arriving in Alexandria the next morning , making a march of over fifty miles in a little over twenty - four hours . The Barre boys that were in the engagement were Strong , Jones , Beckley , Goodrich and Camp , who displayed wonderful coolness , taking deliberate aim . They receive especial praise from the officers . Willey was sick with the measles , and was left with several others at the hospital at Centreville . Smith was just getting over the measles , and was with the baggage team , but came very near being taken prisoner . Our loss in the whole division is said to be about 500 or 600 , but we cannot tell yet , as stragglers arrive every day . There has been an estimate of the loss in our Regiment made which will not exceed 40 killed . From our Company there are 4 missing , but we think they are only taken prisoners . I am informed from a reliable source that our Colonel was not near his command . He paraded his Regiment and retired to a large tree , and watched the proceedings . He has been branded as a coward in Washington , and probably will be in the papers over the signature of Col . Bowdish * * of Vermont . The other Regimental officers conducted themselves in a manner which reflects credit upon them . * * Possibly I . B . Bodish , a leading Democrat of Burlington , VT See Vermont in the Civil War * * Initials E . A . T . in Co . D correspond with Sgt . Eldon A . Tilden I know , it 's been eight months since Part 1 of this series . Life goes on . To recap , here 's how this works : as I read Edward Longacre 's study of the First Battle of Bull Run , The Early Morning of War , I put little Post - Its where I saw something with which I agreed or disagreed , or which I didn 't know , or which I did know and was really glad to see ; essentially , anything that made me say " hmm … " So I 'll go through the book and cover in these updates where I put the Post - It and why . Some of these will be nit - picky for sure . Some of them will be issues that can 't have a right or wrong position . Some of them are , I think , cut and dry . So , here we go : The biographical sketch of McDowell is pretty good here , more in - depth than you 'll find pretty much anywhere else . It touches on McDowell 's familial political connections , his broad education , experiences as a staff officer , alcohol abstention , and generally favorable impression upon military and political figures . This all contributes to making his ultimate appointment to command of an army more understandable and less serendipitous . I would have preferred a little more on McDowell 's actual rank ( while a brevetted major , his actual rank prior to appointment as a full Brigadier General U . S . A . was as First Lieutenant ) affected his relationship with other officers and his boss , Winfield Scott . This chapter ( p . 29 ) also gives the first glimpses into McDowell 's planning process , primarily with very preliminary plans he presented to his benefactor , Treasury Secretary Salmon Chase , in May , 1861 . These plans far exceeded McDowell 's areas of influence , and I think should not be given too much weight in examining the plans he would later develop , under changed circumstances , for moving on Manassas . It seems to me some of the assumptions and conditions in these earlier , larger plans get conflated by analysts into McDowell 's later , more narrow plans . The background provided on Beauregard in this chapter is pretty standard , with a little more discussion of his pre - war politics than one normally finds in general sketches . One surprise here is a description of Beauregard 's character ( p . 22 ) provided by South Carolina Governor Pickens in a 7 / 7 / 1861 letter to fellow South Carolinian Milledge Luke Bonahm , whom Bory had succeeded in command of the Bull Run line . In that letter , which may have been written in part as salve for the wounded pride of the recipient , Beauregard is described in terms usually applied to his comrade Joe Johnston ( " His reputation is so high that he fears to risk it " ) . The withdrawing our forces from the conflict at Bull 's Run , as the fight was then progressing , was doubtless eminently proper . The general rout following is the fault of the Commander , and one of the most infamous things , as it was conducted , in military history . If Gen . McDowell had ordered the army to fall back and form at Centreville , instead of ordering the men promiscuously to run for their lives to their camps , the command would have been well executed , our Government property saved , the territory saved , the moral and credit of the army saved , and neither the world nor our enemies have known that we were defeated . What reason was there for a panic among thirty thousand men , who were formed in divisions remote from the actual conflict , who had not fired a musket all day , who , when they retired from the woods , retired as they would have moved to a fourth of July parade . If all possible panics had been generated among the men in the fight , it would not have affected more than the six or eight regiments actually engaged in it , bating the stupid blunder of moving a train of baggage wagons into the inextricable passes of Bull Run , to be wedged in and block up the rear . That thirty thousand men would have remained and held Centreville had they been permitted to have done so . So far from the army 's having taken flight , in an uncontrollable panic , I have seen several of the regiments who supposed when ordered to retreat that they were simply changing position for better effect . Ninety - nine out of every hundred of the troops , had they known that they were being withdrawn as defeated , would have refused to have left the woods . Fifteen thousand men , ourselves included , in a selected position natural for defence , were quietly asleep on the grass , and were awakened at 11 o ' clock at night to march home . That single fifteen thousand could easily have held Centreville and have recovered all the property and saved the credit of the army . They would have done it if permitted . Re - enforcements would have reached us , and nothing would have pleased them more in the world than to have had Jeff Davis come out from his fastnesses and retreat behind masked batteries in the woods , and have attempted to have driven them from that position . Yet those men are now demoralized by the fright communicated to them by general officers , and by being marched , between 11 o ' clock at night and 11 o ' clock the next day , thirty miles to avoid some terrible grim - visaged enemy that would hang on their rear and worry and destroy them . The Colonel of the 32d Regiment , when the enemy appeared and opened a tremendous fire upon our division , ( which fire we suppose was simply to divert the attention of the remainder of the army from their own retreat at the place where the battle was , for they ran from our troops faster than our 's from them , ) insisted on staying and giving them sturdy battle , and to that end induced some of the artillery , which the regiment protected , to stay after the other pieces had left , and give the enemy a few more rounds of grape and cannister . A young United States officer , a lieutenant of artillery , had just fallen and was carried in rear of our lines , and then retreat was ordered . The bugle , whose notes they must obey , then sounded a peremptory retreat which they obeyed , and left us to our duty to cover that retreat and save their horses and guns from the enemy . We did this , and our regiment came orderly the last out of the woods , with confederate cavalry hanging upon its rear , and audacious enough to show some of their horsemen after we got in line of battle in the open field . The cannon firing late in the day , which the New York papers speak of as a probable diversion , was the artillery of our own Brigade , formed by the side of our regiment , giving these cavalry hollow shot and setting them flying for the woods . When the enemy were at the right of our column , and driven by the artillery were expected to file around to the front and charge upon us at Bull 's Run , and the men stood with pieces cocked to receive them , I passed down the line to see how the men behaved , and my judgement is they would in action give a good account of themselves . I 'm getting around to outlining my thoughts on Irvin McDowell 's plan for the campaign on Manassas . If you 've been following along , you know that I am firmly of the opinion that McDowell 's intentions and expectations for the campaign have been grossly misrepresented over the years , with resulting , understandable effects on the analysis of the failure of his plans ( keeping in mind that reasons for the failure of plans and reasons for defeat are two very , very different things ) . While I think I 'm no longer completely alone in that opinion , and may never have been , I 'm still pretty sure I 'm in a very small minority . In the meantime , I 'm reading a very interesting book by Bradley Graham , The Antietam Effect . I 've heard rumblings about this book over the past few years ( self published in 2012 ) , but never saw it until stumbling over it in the Fredericksburg Battlefield visitor 's center . This is a collection of essays dealing with various topics of the campaign . It 's wide - ranging , even eclectic . The titles listed in the footnotes may leave you scratching your head at first glance but , trust me , there 's a point to everything ( and yes , you have to read the notes ) . I don 't necessarily agree with all the author 's conclusions , but I love his approach and find it very similar to my own , on a basic level . It seems to me that , when it comes to McDowell 's intentions and expectations , authors have developed impressions of what they must have been or should have been , and in the absence of confirming evidence projected those impressions as being those of the man himself . The strange thing to me is how consistently this has been done over the years , so that those impressions have become generally accepted . When the legend becomes fact … My Dear Wife : You will see by the heading of this short note that I am again back at the old Camp . All of the 16th Regiment are safe , only one wounded . Lieut . Hopkins was shot in the foot , a slight wound ; he will be about again in a few days . Thursday we took up our line of march for Centreville where Gen . McDowell 's army was to concentrate before any further advance on the rebels . Our Regiment arrived there about noon on Thursday last , and bivouaced in an open tract of country around and about Centreville , together with about 35 , 000 other troops . We remained there until yesterday morning when the army took up its line of march . The 1st Division left about 2 o ' clock A . M . Our Division being the 5th and last , did not get under way before 7 o ' clock A . M . We marched to the ground where Gen . Tyler two days before had a hard brush with the rebels . Here we planted our battery and immediately opened fire on the masked batteries of the rebels just below us ; a ravine called the Bull 's Run . They did not return the fire , still we kept up ours occasionally stopping for a short time . The battle soon became general all along the Bull 's Run for 3 or 4 miles from us to the right . The most of the battle was fought on our right , the rebels trying to flank us , that is trying to get around our right wing ; but did not succeed . - News came to us about 3 o ' clock that the rebels were in retreat which at one time was actually the case , but owing to some blundering our victory was turned into a defeat or retreat back to Centreville . Of this our Division knew nothing until about 6 o ' clock , when our Reg 't was attacked by about 3000 rebel Infantry and some Horse . We had at the time a battery of 4 guns , brass , and 2 iron , the 16th and 31st Regts . We supposed that the rebels were in retreat all the time . The first intimation we had to the contrary was by seeing a long line of bright bayonets glittering in the sun ; they were on our left and were right on us . We immediately changed the position of our battery , formed our infantry in line of battle , the right wing of the 16th on the right of the battery , the left wing on the left and the 31st on the left of our left wing . Lt . Col . Marsh , in command of the right wing , I in command of the left wing of the 16th , and ColPlattsburgh Republican , 7 / 27 / 1861 Harry SmeltzerDulce bellum inexpertis " I am sending you these little incidents as I hear them well authenticated . They form , to the friends of the parties , part of the history of the glorious 21st . More anon . " About Hello ! I 'm Harry Smeltzer and welcome to Bull Runnings , where you 'll find my digital history project on the First Battle of Bull Run which is organized under the Bull Run Resources section . I 'll also post my thoughts on the processes behind the project and commentary on the campaign , but pretty much all things Civil War are fair game . You 'll only find musings on my " real job " or my personal life when they relate to this project . My mother always told me " never discuss politics or religion in mixed company " , and that 's sound advice where current events are concerned . The Project This site is more than a blog . Bull Runnings also hosts digitized material pertaining to First Bull Run . In the Bull Run Resources link in the masthead and also listed below are links to Orders of Battle , After Action Reports , Official Correspondence , Biographical Sketches , Diaries , Letters , Memoirs , Newspaper Accounts and much , much more . Take some time to surf through the material . This is a work in process with no end in sight , so check back often ! Recent Comments Harry Smeltzer on Burnham 's Report William Parker on Burnham 's Report Jim Glenn on Historical Symbols , The Nature of Truth , and the Sides of History Harry Smeltzer on Why McDowell ? Mark Williams on Why McDowell ? June 2017
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Comment Without a knock , the office door flies open . She barges into the room , a perfumed tornado disrupting every conversation and worker in her path . Wearing skinny jeans , UGG knockoff boots and a pea coat , she carries the swagger of any self - absorbed American teen . Her long dark hair flows thick , smooth and enviable . Her makeup is impeccable - - barring one small flaw . It doesn 't perfectly match the shade of her prosthetic nose . Only because of her nose do I realize who this is : the Afghan woman whose disfigured face graced the August 9 , 2010 , cover of Time magazine . Her Taliban husband and in - laws punished her for running away by hacking off her nose and ears and leaving her for dead . She became a symbol of the oppression of women in her war - torn country . It 's January 2011 , and we 're in the humble Queens , New York , house that serves as the U . S . office for Women for Afghan Women , a grass - roots organization dedicated to protecting and empowering Afghan women and girls . Though the group mostly serves those in Afghanistan , including more than 4 , 000 who 've lived in its shelters there over the past decade , this small New York community center offers English , driving and citizenship classes to Afghan women and others from places such as Pakistan and India . It organizes field trips , brings in speakers , facilitates job placements . In sunny Southern California , she bounced between lavish homes in gated communities . She was trotted out at a pricey gala dinner in Beverly Hills , where she debuted her prosthetic nose , a preview of what the surgery would do for her . She walked the proverbial red carpet , met Laura Bush and was honored by California 's then - first lady , Maria Shriver . There is the 5 - year - old who was raped by two men before being thrown into a river . The woman forced to marry her husband 's killer , who then brutalized her , killed one of her children and made her wear a suicide vest . And , most recently , there is the case of Sahar Gul , the 14 - year - old girl who was found in a Baghlan province cellar after enduring months of torture and rape . Women for Afghan Women was founded in April 2001 . It operates seven shelters that have served more than 4 , 000 women and girls . The group has also trained more than 65 , 000 people in Afghanistan to understand and respect women 's rights . The rights and well - being of Afghan women collapsed when the Taliban took official control of the country in 1996 . The militant Islamic organization , which once harbored Osama bin Laden and shares close ties with the al Qaeda network , was officially ousted from power after the United States and its allies invaded in response to the September 11 , 2001 , terrorist attacks . But the Taliban still reign in large swaths of the country - - including the southern region where Aesha was born . But in the weeks that followed , the women in New York say , Aesha fought with families who took her in . She missed the women she 'd lived with in the Kabul shelter . She had episodes where she shook , went stiff and her eyes rolled back in her head . She bit herself , screamed and pulled out her hair . She had to be hospitalized . Doctors determined she wasn 't yet stable enough for the grueling reconstructive surgery . By November 2010 , the California foundation couldn 't care for her anymore . So Women for Afghan Women stepped in again . When she appeared on the cover of Time , the accompanying story explored what U . S . troop withdrawals from Afghanistan would mean for women there . The headline next to her mutilated face said , " What happens if we leave Afghanistan . " I wanted to focus on what happened after Aesha left Afghanistan - - the complicated , messy business of saving a life . When I approached Women for Afghan Women for this story , the organization would not allow me to interview Aesha , nor could CNN film or photograph her . So I decided to tell Aesha 's story through the people working with her . My chances to observe her sporadically in New York over the next eight months - - by far the most telling moments - - were pure happenstance . The organization 's decision to allow Time to photograph Aesha in 2010 was calculated and deliberate . The group wanted to influence the conversation about U . S . troop withdrawals , and Aesha was its best chance . She became the poster child for the 15 million Afghan women and girls it fears will be brought to their knees , again , if troops leave too soon and the Taliban regain control . The women who cared for Aesha said she didn 't need the added pressure . They acknowledged that putting her out there publicly served an initial purpose . But with all the challenges Aesha faced , they said , fame was a distraction . They rolled their eyes when noting how quickly she learned to love the spotlight , which she tasted in Kabul and gobbled up in California . Now , among her pastimes : She Googles herself . There 's no manual on how to help someone like Aesha . But Hyneman and the others who cared for her - - including her therapist , whom I would interview - - were employing every tool they could to help her heal and attain the skills she needed to navigate her new world . A year into that effort , though , the one thing they could not give Aesha would drive her from their grasp , and they would be left to make sense of her choice : Was it an impulsive decision made for the wrong reasons , a risk that might threaten her well - being ? Or a measure of success , an act of independence ? The second time I see Aesha in the Queens office , it 's early May 2011 . Women for Afghan Women has enlisted volunteers to teach her English and math . But she doesn 't seem as flawlessly put together . Her hair is disheveled , her makeup less perfect . She 's not wearing her prosthetic nose . I 'm typing away on my laptop when she spots me . She races to find paper , grabs a pen and hunches over a nearby desk . A minute later she bounds toward me , her smile wide , her eyes expectant . She thrusts out the paper with the command , " Look ! " At a small kitchen table in her ground - floor apartment , Aesha is tackling what her teacher calls CVC words - - consonant , vowel , consonant - - like cup , mop , hat . Colorful pictures , workbooks and writing papers are spread between them . On a counter nearby is Aesha 's pillbox ; it holds the meds meant to even out her erratic moods . Ariela Perlman , 26 , works with emotionally disturbed fifth - graders and is one of two volunteers teaching English and math to Aesha . The task is compounded by how sheltered Aesha 's life was . She was illiterate even in her native language , Pashto . For that reason and others , her teachers must customize her lessons . A typical alphabet book , for example , would feature an X for xylophone , something Aesha has never seen . So her book features photos of people Aesha knows or magazine cutouts of items she uses : K is for Kelly , who works in the Women for Afghan Women office ; P is for pen . She has had to learn far more than language . Aesha didn 't know there are days of the week . She 's had to learn not to litter , how to board a subway and use a laundromat . Born in a village in southern Afghanistan , Aesha was given away by her father to settle a family score . Her uncle had killed someone in a Taliban family , and she was offered up for marriage as payback . In other words , the crime committed by her uncle was paid for with her body . She 's said her in - laws beat her and forced her to sleep with the animals . When she ran away after several years , she was caught , tossed in prison for months and then retrieved by her father - in - law . The Taliban court , she said in a 2010 CNN interview in Kabul , ruled that she should be mutilated for dishonoring her husband 's family . Naheed Bahram , the group 's 31 - year - old program coordinator , recalls the time she suffered a migraine in the office . As Bahram clung to the toilet vomiting , Aesha swept up and held her hair , gave her water and gently massaged her head . That night , she phoned Bahram to check on her . Aesha 's other math and English teacher , Jessica Whitney , won 't allow cuddling but lets Aesha hold her hand or arm when they 're walking . She conducts most lessons at the office , but also thinks Aesha needs to be stimulated and get outside . She makes their outings into lessons in motion . She points at signs , quizzing Aesha on letters . She gestures toward a passing car or clothing in a window - - and asks her to name what they 're seeing . Though she 's pulled muscles in her back and legs pushing her " giant little girl " on a swing , she says she uses the time to make Aesha practice counting . Whitney , 26 , sees great potential in her student and an eagerness to learn . Aesha tells people she plans to go to college and become a police officer . She wants to protect women . Although her living expenses have been covered by a special fund set up for her by Women for Afghan Women , Aesha thinks the organization is withholding money . She 's a celebrity , Afghan community members tell her . She must be wealthy . That could not be further from the truth , Hyneman says . Never before had the New York office worried about one person 's 24 / 7 care . A year ago , Hyneman said the Aesha fund only had enough donations to last five more months . Grant money earmarked for programming , she said , could not be used to bankroll Aesha 's needs . Aesha flips through fashion magazines and emulates what she sees . She loves high heels , especially those cluttered with glitter , bows and fake jewels . A small collection lines a wall in her bedroom . Whitney has tried to talk to Aesha about practicality , about buying the sorts of shoes that will last . On one outing to replace a froufrou pair that had fallen apart , Aesha picked a toned - down version of what she usually likes , but still shiny , black and with some glitz . Whitney saw the price and knew there 'd be trouble . Whitney held up one shoe , said it was $ 20 . She held up the other , also $ 20 . Aesha insisted she 'd have both . Back and forth they went , until Aesha stormed out of the shop , fuming . In California , Aesha moved around , playing the role of guest in home after home . Here , Hyneman and the others want her to have her own home , one that doesn 't change . But they don 't want her to be alone , especially at night . So they 've hired someone to live with her . When her first roommate threw a party to help her meet people , Aesha kicked everyone out . When another took Aesha to a movie she didn 't like , she fled the theater . When a third refused to clean up after Aesha , she grew enraged . Hyneman says Women for Afghan Women just can 't pay people enough to stay . And even if the group was flush with cash , it might not be sufficient . One former roommate said she wouldn 't stick around for a million dollars . She screams " hi " and waves to strangers . The music of an ice cream truck sends her running . When she sees a swing set , she races to play . Struck by the contrast in her appearance from when I first saw her in January 2011 and then again that May , I ask the women who care for her : Why isn 't Aesha wearing her prosthetic nose ? Is it an indication of newfound confidence ? Maybe it 's a call for attention ? Or could it be a sign of turmoil , a psychological slip downward ? She often asks when she 'll have her surgery . She believes her life will start over after her face is restored . They can only tell her it 'll happen when she 's ready . In California , Aesha began to display what was later diagnosed as psychologically induced " faux seizures . " Between those and her tantrums , it became clear she wasn 't emotionally prepared for the reconstructive surgery . It will be a lengthy , painful and complicated process involving skin expanders in her forehead , deep cuts , as well as bone , cartilage and skin grafts . Hyneman says no one expected Aesha to regress the way she did after she arrived in the United States . In early 2011 , Hyneman witnessed a terrifying episode . Aesha threw herself down , banged her head on the floor , pulled her hair out in fistfuls and bit her fingers . No one could stop her . Hyneman called 911 . Aesha was hospitalized for 10 days . Her medications were evaluated and changed , and she turned a corner . A team of doctors , working pro bono , was assembled to care for Aesha . Hyneman says she also was seeing specialists who work with survivors of torture . No one at the Libertas Center for Human Rights at Elmhurst Hospital Center in Queens would talk about her case . A search for Pashto - speaking psychologists in New York will yield no results , Bakhchi says . That 's partly because mental health isn 't even a field of medicine where Aesha comes from . But the psychologist 's Farsi and Aesha 's Pashto work : " We understand each other perfectly . " Over breakfast on a Thursday near her office in Manhattan , Bakhchi describes Aesha as a highly intelligent young woman whose smarts don 't just show in her learning ; they come through in the way she manipulates others and pushes their buttons . She hurts people before they can hurt her . She lives in " survival mode . " Beyond post - traumatic stress disorder , Bakhchi says , Aesha has borderline personality disorder . Research is mixed as to whether a stressor such as Aesha 's brutal disfigurement can trigger a personality disorder , she explains , but she believes it can . There 's also a chance , though , that her disorder existed long before the attack . Environment and genetics are thought to predispose some people to borderline personality disorder . It is marked by instability in relationships , moods , behavior and sense of self , according to the National Institute of Mental Health . Though not as well understood as bipolar disorder or schizophrenia , the illness affects 2 % of adults , most of them young women . Twenty percent of hospitalizations in psychiatric facilities are tied to borderline personality disorder , but with time and help many sufferers can transform their lives . Bakhchi says the disorder is responsible for Aesha 's volatile behavior and black - and - white thinking . In Aesha 's worldview , a person in any single moment is either evil or an angel . Her moods swing impulsively . One minute she 's cuddled up on a lap , the next she 's screaming . " I really hope at some point she 'll be a functioning young lady that had a terrible trauma , " Bakhchi says . " I want it so badly for her . There are a lot of people who care about her . She couldn 't be in better hands . " Aesha sees in Yalda Afif many things she wants for herself . She was drawn to the young Afghan caseworker the day they met in the Women for Afghan Women office . Afif 's mother called , and Aesha snatched the phone to say hello . She 's come to know Afif 's family members in New York and treats them as her own . The two young women shop for beads in Manhattan so Aesha can make jewelry to sell in local salons . They 've run around Times Square and visited museums . Afif , 23 , wants to take Aesha on a ferry to the Statue of Liberty . They make heaps of food , throw dance parties with friends in Aesha 's apartment and sometimes agree in advance to dress up in traditional Punjabi clothes . They chat on the phone every night . Aesha , Afif says , has a giddy crush on an actor in one of the Indian dramas she watches . Through her example , Afif hopes Aesha understands that families can be loving . She wants Aesha to learn about respect , patience and modesty . She wants her to be proud of her native culture and her Muslim faith , to strive to be " a good Afghan girl . " But the two knew very different Afghanistans . Afif was born in Kabul , not a Taliban - controlled village , and had a father who insisted she go to school - - an impossibility for Aesha . Afif 's father pushed her to pursue her dreams and achieve what she deserves . Someday Afif would like to return to her country and open a women 's university . Though they spend a lot of time laughing together , Afif also listens to Aesha 's anxieties . Aesha worries about a younger half - sister who 's been promised to the same Taliban family . Afif fantasizes that the sister will one day join Aesha in New York . In late 2010 , Aesha 's father - in - law was arrested for his role in her mutilation . Authorities said he held Aesha at gunpoint and ordered five other men - - including her husband - - to cut her . The father - in - law was released last July , however , reportedly because he didn 't do the cutting himself and because Aesha is no longer around to pursue the case . Afif wants Aesha to share her faith in America . They can walk around freely without being questioned . They 're so lucky to be Afghan women living here . When I last visited Queens , I arrived on May 2 , 2011 - - just days after Aesha kicked out her latest roommate . This sudden turn of events , and the quandary it presented , pushed Esther Hyneman over the edge . She launched what became an epic blowout . " No , it 's fuck you ! Fuck you ! " she yelled back . " Repeat after me : Fuck , fuck , fuck ! If you 're going to say it , you need to say it right ! " But it 's two days after the argument , and Aesha isn 't laughing . She 's holed up in her apartment , moping . Hyneman asks Afif to come with us to see Aesha , to translate . The women are worried that she 's still reeling from the fight . They 've also got big news to share . Aesha opens the door wearing wine - colored and embroidered Punjabi clothes . She turns back toward the living room and drops onto her dark brown sofa . On a laptop beside her , one of her favorite YouTube music videos - - " Naghma Pashto Lovely Nice Song " - - is queued up for play . It 's early afternoon , and she looks like she just woke up . Her hair hasn 't been brushed . A space heater on the large Afghan carpet blows on her , and she wipes the place where her nose once was . Aesha takes her hand from Afif , bows her head and starts rubbing her temples . She says she has a headache . Afif reaches out , smoothes Aesha 's hair and rubs her back . We leave the apartment just before she starts watching TV . When Hyneman and I return hours later , Aesha is with one of her teachers . She has changed into a white silk blouse and black jeans . Her hair is brushed , and her eye makeup is painted on thick . She may not have read books or articles that detail how the terrorist leader gained power and found allies in her home country . She never attended classes that explain why the Taliban secured a foothold and derailed a future that could have been hers . Aesha 's understanding is simple : A " crazy " man , one ideologically connected to those who hurt her , is gone . And for that she 's glad . Activists , donors and dignitaries mill about in exquisite attire , sipping wine and tasting hors d ' oeuvres . They place bids in a silent auction , admiring hand - crafted jewelry , scarves , an Afghan rug . A large gift basket has been provided by the Long Island plastic surgeon who hopes to start Aesha 's surgical process soon . Next to musicians playing traditional rabab music is a large original print of the Time photograph of Aesha . Donated by the photographer , the image has a minimum opening bid of $ 5 , 000 . Proceeds are intended to benefit Aesha 's special fund . No one was sure whether Aesha would show up at this elegant October affair to celebrate 10 years of Women for Afghan Women . Hyneman and the others knew they couldn 't tell her what to do . If they encouraged her to come , she 'd refuse . If they suggested she stay home , she 'd insist on being there . And in reality , they just didn 't care ; it wasn 't about her . But convincing her of this was impossible . She 'd thrown a tantrum earlier in the day , the women told me , saying she refused to be exploited and would not go . Last time she went to a gala , in California a year earlier , she was the featured star . This night is about making the once powerless powerful . It is about bolstering the mission to give Afghan women and girls the tools they need . There are success stories , standing ovations - - and not one mention of Aesha . I have not seen Aesha since the day she learned about bin Laden 's death . A lot has happened since then . In addition to her private tutoring , she is now attending English as a second language classes with other Afghan women four times a week - - though sometimes she gets sent home for laughing at people 's mistakes . Her outbursts are more sporadic and short - lived . Her black - and - white thinking has grown less pronounced . They are starting to wean her from her medications . " When she first came to us , she was an emotional wreck . By the time she left , she was a different human being . … So we 're all happy if she 's in the right place … but we miss her . " While she 's progressed since I last saw her , in some ways not much has changed . Her political asylum application , filed in early summer , remains in limbo . And the Aesha fund , which no longer draws attention , is drying up . Aesha passes the lip gloss back to Perlman . The two have moved beyond a strictly student - teacher relationship in recent months . In August , Aesha got news that an older cousin of hers had been killed . He had helped bring her to safety after she was brutalized , and she looked up to him . His death , which she learned about from her cousin 's wife , made Aesha long for family in new ways , Perlman says . She doesn 't go entirely unnoticed . A banquet server approaches , wanting to shake her hand . And when she walks across the room to hug her therapist , some stare and nudge their neighbors , not fooled by the prosthetic nose . On the stage , women speak about how change for Afghan women and girls cannot happen overnight . They wonder if expectations have been too high . A videographer standing behind me captures the discussion . Aesha , whose famous image will go unsold and be returned to the photographer , spots the videographer and gasps . She thinks she 's being filmed . She puts her hand up in protest and complains to Perlman . She 'd spent the bulk of that morning and afternoon with Aesha at Elmhurst hospital . Aesha was treated for an ear infection , and then Hyneman accompanied her to appointments at the center that works with torture victims . She dropped Aesha off at her apartment around 4 p . m . This , they all assumed , was simply one of Aesha 's games . She had a funny habit of making out - of - nowhere pronouncements in jest . " I 'm going to Afghanistan now , " she 'd sometimes say . Or , as she walked out of the office , " I 'm going to California . Bye ! " Aesha 's teachers , Jessica Whitney and Ariela Perlman , couldn 't wait to take her the next evening to Manhattan , where they 'd watch the blowing up of the Macy 's Thanksgiving Day Parade balloons . The next week she had another appointment with the plastic surgeon . There was a ticket for her to see her first Broadway show , " The Lion King . " Hyneman learned she was with a couple she had met during a weeklong summer getaway . They were relatives of Fahima Vorgetts , a former board member of Women for Afghan Women and head of the Afghan Women 's Fund , who had hosted Aesha at her home in West Virginia . She 'd welcomed Aesha as a favor to Hyneman , whom she 'd known for a decade and who thought Aesha needed a break from Queens . When Hyneman and the others learned Aesha was gone , they thought she would return after the long Thanksgiving weekend . Even the couple thought she was with them just for a visit . Aesha , however , had her own idea . She planned to stay . Hyneman was initially crushed . For more than a year , she 'd dropped everything for Aesha . She hadn 't traveled to Afghanistan as she usually does . And during rough patches , she 'd slept in the Women for Afghan Women office so she could be closer to Aesha . Still , she doesn 't judge her for anything she 's done . " I was personally really attached to her . She called me grandma . That was irresistible to me , " says Hyneman , who has no children of her own . " When she first came to us , she was an emotional wreck . By the time she left , she was a different human being . … So we 're all happy if she 's in the right place to further her development , but we miss her . " Others in the office were confused by what had happened and wondered if they 'd known Aesha - - and her needs - - at all . There was plenty of concern about whom she was with , what their intentions might be and how deep the support network would be once the honeymoon phase passed . Some confessed feelings of relief , as the journey with Aesha had become all consuming . Now they could focus on the hundreds of other Afghan women they serve from their Queens office . " At least you can say bye to someone ! " she remembers telling Aesha the first time she called from her new home . " Everything we could do for her , we did . … And it seems she never had any kind of love or respect for us . " " We were picked by the situation , not by Aesha , " Whitney says . She hadn 't had " that organic feeling of participating in picking a relationship . … Family is one of her favorite things to talk about . … We couldn 't simulate the family she needed and wanted . " I barely sleep the night before I see her next . It 's late January , almost a year to the date after Aesha surprised me by barging into the Queens office . I 'm in Maryland , on my way to her new and chosen home . For the first time , I 'll be able to speak to her . But also for the first time , I 'll meet her adopted family . I 've talked my way inside but don 't know how long they 'll let me stay . On the drive to Frederick , about an hour northwest of Washington , I wonder what sort of Aesha I 'll see . Will she be as eager as I am to finally talk ? Or will she see me as a remnant of a past she wants to escape ? Most of all , I want to know : Is she happy ? Mati Arsala and Jamila Rasouli - Arsala welcome me into their modest but well - kept town home , which sits in a sleepy subdivision of tract homes and apartments . Aesha is barefoot and in jeans . Her makeup , no surprise , is perfect . And she 's without her prosthetic nose . She 's more relaxed than I 've ever seen her . With a warm smile , she plays hostess , serving tea she brings from the kitchen . She curls her feet beneath her on the couch , where she prefers to sleep instead of her bed . Aesha saw what she wanted . Back in New York , she launched her phone campaign . Every other night , in the middle of the night , she called Jamila . She griped about her life in New York . She told Jamila she wasn 't being taught English or getting the surgery she wanted . She said she was lonely and wanted to live with them . And as the months wore on , Jamila and Mati understood that they could offer something no organization could . Aesha sets the table while the woman she sometimes calls mother , sometimes aunt , prepares a traditional Afghan feast featuring heaping platters of rice , lamb and chicken kebab . She shows me her bedroom downstairs , which she uses more like a walk - in closet . In the first weeks after her arrival , in the wee hours , she 'd pad upstairs from the couch where she slept to wake Jamila and Mati - - complaining of nightmares and headaches . Now she busies herself , while others sleep , glued to her computer . The couple married six years ago ; it is the second marriage for both . Mati , who says he 's " around 60 , " has two kids who are grown ; 46 - year - old Jamila has a daughter who lives with them . Miena , 14 , is an honors student , an athlete and as dependent on her iPhone and Facebook account as she is oxygen . Mati and Jamila had talked about adopting a young child from Haiti or foster care , but now they have Aesha . As their 22 - year - old unwraps a lollipop , they tell her to wait till after dinner . With a grin and a defiant " no , " she shoves it into her mouth . They roll their eyes , and we chat about her stubbornness . She understands everything we 're saying and laughs . In spite of the language barrier , she tries to swap memories with me . Remember the time you came when Osama bin Laden was killed ? Did you like the gala ? Remember how I told Esther " Puck you " ? She wears a ring she says her Afghan friend , Yalda Afif , gave her , but she says she doesn 't miss New York . Sometimes she misses some of the people . She says she 's happy here . At the dinner table , she bends over a piece of paper and begins writing : " My name is Aesha Mohammadzai . " This is her legal name . Earlier , it 'd been spelled Aisha . She writes it confidently and proudly , lower case letters and all . It 's the name that appears on the Social Security card she received soon after she was granted asylum in the United States . Mati says Aesha now receives about $ 280 a month in benefits . Mati and Jamila discuss politics . Jamila , who moved from Germany when she married Mati , loves President Barack Obama and practiced English listening to his speeches . Mati , who 's been in the United States since 1971 , is a dedicated Republican . Aesha pipes in with her preference . Minutes later , I catch her staring at my face . She mutters something in Pashto , and the couple translate for me . Her original nose , she has told them , looked just like mine . Pen to paper , she writes again . " Thank you Jessaie . " They ask me to spell my name correctly for her and she continues . " I love Jessica Jan , " she writes , adding a term of endearment to my name , before crossing out " I love . " On the YouTube page she has up , she begins playing videos . Her playlist isn 't just autobiographical . It includes stories about other girls who 've been gang - raped or mutilated like her : " Afghan Women 's Nose & Ears Cut off by her Husband , " " Pakistan : Fazeelat Bibi 's nose and ears cut off " and " 12 y old girl in Afghanistan victim of violence by husband . " She has watched one so many times she mimics the journalist 's words . Plenty more document her celebrated arrival in America . ABC News ' Diane Sawyer honors her smile and new beginning with " Bibi Aisha Unveils New Nose . " She 's on display with Maria Shriver , cameras flashing , and wearing the prosthetic nose she no longer uses in " New look for Afghan attack woman . " She pulls strands of vibrant beads from a plastic bin . She learned to make jewelry during the months she spent in prison in Afghanistan for running away - - before her father - in - law retrieved her and made her pay an even more brutal price for her so - called crime . It was also in prison that she learned to chew tobacco , a habit her doctors say she must kick before she can have surgery . She insists she has . " My heart breaks for her . She didn 't have any time to be a kid . … She 's acting like a kid because she has a chance now . There 's nothing wrong with that . " Beyond occasional meetings with the doctors and her four - hour ESL class on Saturday mornings , Aesha doesn 't have a lot to do to keep her busy . Mati , a civil engineer , and Jamila , an OB - GYN in Germany who must complete a residency program in the United States but is now doing pathology research , are away at work . And Miena is in school all day , followed by track practice , plans with friends and homework . I ask Aesha if she 's bored . She doesn 't seem to understand the question . I ask if she 's made friends . " My friend computer , " she says . For months now , Aesha has been off her medications . She 's seen a psychologist three or four times . She can still hold a spotlight with her humor and stories . Then there was the time in New York when a man followed her . As she walked faster , so did he . She was terrified . But then she looked back , and he got spooked . One look at her prosthetic - free face and he ran away . These are the light Aesha moments . But Mati and Jamila have come to know the dark ones , too . The days when they struggle to get her out of bed . The times when anger or sadness washes over her . The moments when she 's incapable of showing gratitude . " She 's a trauma patient , " Jamila says . " If you want to help , you have to have a very thick skin . … There 's no room in her heart for appreciation . " They knew there would be challenges . But they couldn 't turn her away . Mati worries about how and when she 'll ever be able to support herself . They say she wants her own apartment , and they 'd like her to have it . Their job is to make sure her needs are met . To that end , they hope to establish a trust fund for her soon . When she arrived in November , they say , she wore sandals and a thin coat that was too small . She said this was all she had . She told them she only received $ 25 a week for food . They say she couldn 't count to 10 . I remember the pea coat and UGG knockoff boots she wore the first time I saw her . I watched her , a year ago , learning math . I know her food was paid for by Women for Afghan Women . I ask Aesha about the closet full of clothes in her Queens apartment and the collection of shoes that lined her bedroom wall . All of those things belonged to her roommate , she says . I must look dubious because she adds something in Pashto : " This is the truth . " But Mati is done coddling her and wishes his wife would let Aesha do more for herself . To grow , to become independent , she needs to have boundaries , accept responsibility and not get her breakfast prepared for her every day , he says . If they treat her like a child , he continues , she 'll stay a child . CNN 's Jessica Ravitz first encountered the subject of this story , Aesha Mohammadzai , in January 2011 in the Queens , New York , offices of Women for Afghan Women . Aesha had arrived in America in August 2010 , with the promise of receiving reconstructive surgery in California . But when it was determined she was not yet stable enough for the surgery , Women for Afghan Women assumed responsibility and moved her across the country to New York . When Ravitz asked to document Aesha 's journey , she was told there was a media moratorium . No one was being allowed to interview or photograph Aesha . So instead , Ravitz brokered an arrangement in which she could write about Aesha by interviewing the volunteers who were working with her - - her English and math tutors ; the imam who taught her about Islam ; lawyers familiar with the asylum process ; her primary guardian at Women for Afghan Women , Esther Hyneman ; and others in the group 's Queens office . Ravitz also interviewed the organization 's executive director , who is based in Kabul , where Aesha lived in one of the group 's shelters for nine months . In November , Aesha was granted asylum . By then , she had also left Women for Afghan Women 's care . Ravitz approached Aesha 's new guardians in Frederick , Maryland , and they agreed to be interviewed . Jamila hears him and understands , " But my heart breaks for her , " she says , her hand on her husband 's . " She didn 't have any time to be a kid , Mati Jan . She didn 't have any time . She 's acting like a kid because she has a chance now . There 's nothing wrong with that . " Here , no matter her age , education or obstacles , she can dream . She can be a police officer who protects women . She can stand on her own . She 's nobody 's poster child here . She 's not a feel - good cause or a PR dream . She 's one human being , released from carrying the weight of others . A towheaded boy races by . He doesn 't notice the grown woman on the swing . He doesn 't see or care that her nose is missing . Since arriving in America less than two years ago , she 's lived in three cities . She 's been showcased like a star and protected like a fragile child . She 's been passed around by well - meaning strangers , embraced by a team of women . And she 's gone after a family of her own . Here , on this swing , Aesha doesn 't carry others ' expectations . She doesn 't need a fairy - tale ending . She can soar on her own . To contact the author of this piece , e - mail Jessica . Ravitz @ turner . com . This is CNN 's third Digital Magazine story . The others can be read here : CNN . com / Mauritania and CNN . com / Charles .
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Comment Without a knock , the office door flies open . She barges into the room , a perfumed tornado disrupting every conversation and worker in her path . Wearing skinny jeans , UGG knockoff boots and a pea coat , she carries the swagger of any self - absorbed American teen . Her long dark hair flows thick , smooth and enviable . Her makeup is impeccable - - barring one small flaw . It doesn 't perfectly match the shade of her prosthetic nose . Only because of her nose do I realize who this is : the Afghan woman whose disfigured face graced the August 9 , 2010 , cover of Time magazine . Her Taliban husband and in - laws punished her for running away by hacking off her nose and ears and leaving her for dead . She became a symbol of the oppression of women in her war - torn country . It 's January 2011 , and we 're in the humble Queens , New York , house that serves as the U . S . office for Women for Afghan Women , a grass - roots organization dedicated to protecting and empowering Afghan women and girls . Though the group mostly serves those in Afghanistan , including more than 4 , 000 who 've lived in its shelters there over the past decade , this small New York community center offers English , driving and citizenship classes to Afghan women and others from places such as Pakistan and India . It organizes field trips , brings in speakers , facilitates job placements . In sunny Southern California , she bounced between lavish homes in gated communities . She was trotted out at a pricey gala dinner in Beverly Hills , where she debuted her prosthetic nose , a preview of what the surgery would do for her . She walked the proverbial red carpet , met Laura Bush and was honored by California 's then - first lady , Maria Shriver . There is the 5 - year - old who was raped by two men before being thrown into a river . The woman forced to marry her husband 's killer , who then brutalized her , killed one of her children and made her wear a suicide vest . And , most recently , there is the case of Sahar Gul , the 14 - year - old girl who was found in a Baghlan province cellar after enduring months of torture and rape . Women for Afghan Women was founded in April 2001 . It operates seven shelters that have served more than 4 , 000 women and girls . The group has also trained more than 65 , 000 people in Afghanistan to understand and respect women 's rights . The rights and well - being of Afghan women collapsed when the Taliban took official control of the country in 1996 . The militant Islamic organization , which once harbored Osama bin Laden and shares close ties with the al Qaeda network , was officially ousted from power after the United States and its allies invaded in response to the September 11 , 2001 , terrorist attacks . But the Taliban still reign in large swaths of the country - - including the southern region where Aesha was born . But in the weeks that followed , the women in New York say , Aesha fought with families who took her in . She missed the women she 'd lived with in the Kabul shelter . She had episodes where she shook , went stiff and her eyes rolled back in her head . She bit herself , screamed and pulled out her hair . She had to be hospitalized . Doctors determined she wasn 't yet stable enough for the grueling reconstructive surgery . By November 2010 , the California foundation couldn 't care for her anymore . So Women for Afghan Women stepped in again . When she appeared on the cover of Time , the accompanying story explored what U . S . troop withdrawals from Afghanistan would mean for women there . The headline next to her mutilated face said , " What happens if we leave Afghanistan . " I wanted to focus on what happened after Aesha left Afghanistan - - the complicated , messy business of saving a life . When I approached Women for Afghan Women for this story , the organization would not allow me to interview Aesha , nor could CNN film or photograph her . So I decided to tell Aesha 's story through the people working with her . My chances to observe her sporadically in New York over the next eight months - - by far the most telling moments - - were pure happenstance . The organization 's decision to allow Time to photograph Aesha in 2010 was calculated and deliberate . The group wanted to influence the conversation about U . S . troop withdrawals , and Aesha was its best chance . She became the poster child for the 15 million Afghan women and girls it fears will be brought to their knees , again , if troops leave too soon and the Taliban regain control . The women who cared for Aesha said she didn 't need the added pressure . They acknowledged that putting her out there publicly served an initial purpose . But with all the challenges Aesha faced , they said , fame was a distraction . They rolled their eyes when noting how quickly she learned to love the spotlight , which she tasted in Kabul and gobbled up in California . Now , among her pastimes : She Googles herself . There 's no manual on how to help someone like Aesha . But Hyneman and the others who cared for her - - including her therapist , whom I would interview - - were employing every tool they could to help her heal and attain the skills she needed to navigate her new world . A year into that effort , though , the one thing they could not give Aesha would drive her from their grasp , and they would be left to make sense of her choice : Was it an impulsive decision made for the wrong reasons , a risk that might threaten her well - being ? Or a measure of success , an act of independence ? The second time I see Aesha in the Queens office , it 's early May 2011 . Women for Afghan Women has enlisted volunteers to teach her English and math . But she doesn 't seem as flawlessly put together . Her hair is disheveled , her makeup less perfect . She 's not wearing her prosthetic nose . I 'm typing away on my laptop when she spots me . She races to find paper , grabs a pen and hunches over a nearby desk . A minute later she bounds toward me , her smile wide , her eyes expectant . She thrusts out the paper with the command , " Look ! " At a small kitchen table in her ground - floor apartment , Aesha is tackling what her teacher calls CVC words - - consonant , vowel , consonant - - like cup , mop , hat . Colorful pictures , workbooks and writing papers are spread between them . On a counter nearby is Aesha 's pillbox ; it holds the meds meant to even out her erratic moods . Ariela Perlman , 26 , works with emotionally disturbed fifth - graders and is one of two volunteers teaching English and math to Aesha . The task is compounded by how sheltered Aesha 's life was . She was illiterate even in her native language , Pashto . For that reason and others , her teachers must customize her lessons . A typical alphabet book , for example , would feature an X for xylophone , something Aesha has never seen . So her book features photos of people Aesha knows or magazine cutouts of items she uses : K is for Kelly , who works in the Women for Afghan Women office ; P is for pen . She has had to learn far more than language . Aesha didn 't know there are days of the week . She 's had to learn not to litter , how to board a subway and use a laundromat . Born in a village in southern Afghanistan , Aesha was given away by her father to settle a family score . Her uncle had killed someone in a Taliban family , and she was offered up for marriage as payback . In other words , the crime committed by her uncle was paid for with her body . She 's said her in - laws beat her and forced her to sleep with the animals . When she ran away after several years , she was caught , tossed in prison for months and then retrieved by her father - in - law . The Taliban court , she said in a 2010 CNN interview in Kabul , ruled that she should be mutilated for dishonoring her husband 's family . Naheed Bahram , the group 's 31 - year - old program coordinator , recalls the time she suffered a migraine in the office . As Bahram clung to the toilet vomiting , Aesha swept up and held her hair , gave her water and gently massaged her head . That night , she phoned Bahram to check on her . Aesha 's other math and English teacher , Jessica Whitney , won 't allow cuddling but lets Aesha hold her hand or arm when they 're walking . She conducts most lessons at the office , but also thinks Aesha needs to be stimulated and get outside . She makes their outings into lessons in motion . She points at signs , quizzing Aesha on letters . She gestures toward a passing car or clothing in a window - - and asks her to name what they 're seeing . Though she 's pulled muscles in her back and legs pushing her " giant little girl " on a swing , she says she uses the time to make Aesha practice counting . Whitney , 26 , sees great potential in her student and an eagerness to learn . Aesha tells people she plans to go to college and become a police officer . She wants to protect women . Although her living expenses have been covered by a special fund set up for her by Women for Afghan Women , Aesha thinks the organization is withholding money . She 's a celebrity , Afghan community members tell her . She must be wealthy . That could not be further from the truth , Hyneman says . Never before had the New York office worried about one person 's 24 / 7 care . A year ago , Hyneman said the Aesha fund only had enough donations to last five more months . Grant money earmarked for programming , she said , could not be used to bankroll Aesha 's needs . Aesha flips through fashion magazines and emulates what she sees . She loves high heels , especially those cluttered with glitter , bows and fake jewels . A small collection lines a wall in her bedroom . Whitney has tried to talk to Aesha about practicality , about buying the sorts of shoes that will last . On one outing to replace a froufrou pair that had fallen apart , Aesha picked a toned - down version of what she usually likes , but still shiny , black and with some glitz . Whitney saw the price and knew there 'd be trouble . Whitney held up one shoe , said it was $ 20 . She held up the other , also $ 20 . Aesha insisted she 'd have both . Back and forth they went , until Aesha stormed out of the shop , fuming . In California , Aesha moved around , playing the role of guest in home after home . Here , Hyneman and the others want her to have her own home , one that doesn 't change . But they don 't want her to be alone , especially at night . So they 've hired someone to live with her . When her first roommate threw a party to help her meet people , Aesha kicked everyone out . When another took Aesha to a movie she didn 't like , she fled the theater . When a third refused to clean up after Aesha , she grew enraged . Hyneman says Women for Afghan Women just can 't pay people enough to stay . And even if the group was flush with cash , it might not be sufficient . One former roommate said she wouldn 't stick around for a million dollars . She screams " hi " and waves to strangers . The music of an ice cream truck sends her running . When she sees a swing set , she races to play . Struck by the contrast in her appearance from when I first saw her in January 2011 and then again that May , I ask the women who care for her : Why isn 't Aesha wearing her prosthetic nose ? Is it an indication of newfound confidence ? Maybe it 's a call for attention ? Or could it be a sign of turmoil , a psychological slip downward ? She often asks when she 'll have her surgery . She believes her life will start over after her face is restored . They can only tell her it 'll happen when she 's ready . In California , Aesha began to display what was later diagnosed as psychologically induced " faux seizures . " Between those and her tantrums , it became clear she wasn 't emotionally prepared for the reconstructive surgery . It will be a lengthy , painful and complicated process involving skin expanders in her forehead , deep cuts , as well as bone , cartilage and skin grafts . Hyneman says no one expected Aesha to regress the way she did after she arrived in the United States . In early 2011 , Hyneman witnessed a terrifying episode . Aesha threw herself down , banged her head on the floor , pulled her hair out in fistfuls and bit her fingers . No one could stop her . Hyneman called 911 . Aesha was hospitalized for 10 days . Her medications were evaluated and changed , and she turned a corner . A team of doctors , working pro bono , was assembled to care for Aesha . Hyneman says she also was seeing specialists who work with survivors of torture . No one at the Libertas Center for Human Rights at Elmhurst Hospital Center in Queens would talk about her case . A search for Pashto - speaking psychologists in New York will yield no results , Bakhchi says . That 's partly because mental health isn 't even a field of medicine where Aesha comes from . But the psychologist 's Farsi and Aesha 's Pashto work : " We understand each other perfectly . " Over breakfast on a Thursday near her office in Manhattan , Bakhchi describes Aesha as a highly intelligent young woman whose smarts don 't just show in her learning ; they come through in the way she manipulates others and pushes their buttons . She hurts people before they can hurt her . She lives in " survival mode . " Beyond post - traumatic stress disorder , Bakhchi says , Aesha has borderline personality disorder . Research is mixed as to whether a stressor such as Aesha 's brutal disfigurement can trigger a personality disorder , she explains , but she believes it can . There 's also a chance , though , that her disorder existed long before the attack . Environment and genetics are thought to predispose some people to borderline personality disorder . It is marked by instability in relationships , moods , behavior and sense of self , according to the National Institute of Mental Health . Though not as well understood as bipolar disorder or schizophrenia , the illness affects 2 % of adults , most of them young women . Twenty percent of hospitalizations in psychiatric facilities are tied to borderline personality disorder , but with time and help many sufferers can transform their lives . Bakhchi says the disorder is responsible for Aesha 's volatile behavior and black - and - white thinking . In Aesha 's worldview , a person in any single moment is either evil or an angel . Her moods swing impulsively . One minute she 's cuddled up on a lap , the next she 's screaming . " I really hope at some point she 'll be a functioning young lady that had a terrible trauma , " Bakhchi says . " I want it so badly for her . There are a lot of people who care about her . She couldn 't be in better hands . " Aesha sees in Yalda Afif many things she wants for herself . She was drawn to the young Afghan caseworker the day they met in the Women for Afghan Women office . Afif 's mother called , and Aesha snatched the phone to say hello . She 's come to know Afif 's family members in New York and treats them as her own . The two young women shop for beads in Manhattan so Aesha can make jewelry to sell in local salons . They 've run around Times Square and visited museums . Afif , 23 , wants to take Aesha on a ferry to the Statue of Liberty . They make heaps of food , throw dance parties with friends in Aesha 's apartment and sometimes agree in advance to dress up in traditional Punjabi clothes . They chat on the phone every night . Aesha , Afif says , has a giddy crush on an actor in one of the Indian dramas she watches . Through her example , Afif hopes Aesha understands that families can be loving . She wants Aesha to learn about respect , patience and modesty . She wants her to be proud of her native culture and her Muslim faith , to strive to be " a good Afghan girl . " But the two knew very different Afghanistans . Afif was born in Kabul , not a Taliban - controlled village , and had a father who insisted she go to school - - an impossibility for Aesha . Afif 's father pushed her to pursue her dreams and achieve what she deserves . Someday Afif would like to return to her country and open a women 's university . Though they spend a lot of time laughing together , Afif also listens to Aesha 's anxieties . Aesha worries about a younger half - sister who 's been promised to the same Taliban family . Afif fantasizes that the sister will one day join Aesha in New York . In late 2010 , Aesha 's father - in - law was arrested for his role in her mutilation . Authorities said he held Aesha at gunpoint and ordered five other men - - including her husband - - to cut her . The father - in - law was released last July , however , reportedly because he didn 't do the cutting himself and because Aesha is no longer around to pursue the case . Afif wants Aesha to share her faith in America . They can walk around freely without being questioned . They 're so lucky to be Afghan women living here . When I last visited Queens , I arrived on May 2 , 2011 - - just days after Aesha kicked out her latest roommate . This sudden turn of events , and the quandary it presented , pushed Esther Hyneman over the edge . She launched what became an epic blowout . " No , it 's fuck you ! Fuck you ! " she yelled back . " Repeat after me : Fuck , fuck , fuck ! If you 're going to say it , you need to say it right ! " But it 's two days after the argument , and Aesha isn 't laughing . She 's holed up in her apartment , moping . Hyneman asks Afif to come with us to see Aesha , to translate . The women are worried that she 's still reeling from the fight . They 've also got big news to share . Aesha opens the door wearing wine - colored and embroidered Punjabi clothes . She turns back toward the living room and drops onto her dark brown sofa . On a laptop beside her , one of her favorite YouTube music videos - - " Naghma Pashto Lovely Nice Song " - - is queued up for play . It 's early afternoon , and she looks like she just woke up . Her hair hasn 't been brushed . A space heater on the large Afghan carpet blows on her , and she wipes the place where her nose once was . Aesha takes her hand from Afif , bows her head and starts rubbing her temples . She says she has a headache . Afif reaches out , smoothes Aesha 's hair and rubs her back . We leave the apartment just before she starts watching TV . When Hyneman and I return hours later , Aesha is with one of her teachers . She has changed into a white silk blouse and black jeans . Her hair is brushed , and her eye makeup is painted on thick . She may not have read books or articles that detail how the terrorist leader gained power and found allies in her home country . She never attended classes that explain why the Taliban secured a foothold and derailed a future that could have been hers . Aesha 's understanding is simple : A " crazy " man , one ideologically connected to those who hurt her , is gone . And for that she 's glad . Activists , donors and dignitaries mill about in exquisite attire , sipping wine and tasting hors d ' oeuvres . They place bids in a silent auction , admiring hand - crafted jewelry , scarves , an Afghan rug . A large gift basket has been provided by the Long Island plastic surgeon who hopes to start Aesha 's surgical process soon . Next to musicians playing traditional rabab music is a large original print of the Time photograph of Aesha . Donated by the photographer , the image has a minimum opening bid of $ 5 , 000 . Proceeds are intended to benefit Aesha 's special fund . No one was sure whether Aesha would show up at this elegant October affair to celebrate 10 years of Women for Afghan Women . Hyneman and the others knew they couldn 't tell her what to do . If they encouraged her to come , she 'd refuse . If they suggested she stay home , she 'd insist on being there . And in reality , they just didn 't care ; it wasn 't about her . But convincing her of this was impossible . She 'd thrown a tantrum earlier in the day , the women told me , saying she refused to be exploited and would not go . Last time she went to a gala , in California a year earlier , she was the featured star . This night is about making the once powerless powerful . It is about bolstering the mission to give Afghan women and girls the tools they need . There are success stories , standing ovations - - and not one mention of Aesha . I have not seen Aesha since the day she learned about bin Laden 's death . A lot has happened since then . In addition to her private tutoring , she is now attending English as a second language classes with other Afghan women four times a week - - though sometimes she gets sent home for laughing at people 's mistakes . Her outbursts are more sporadic and short - lived . Her black - and - white thinking has grown less pronounced . They are starting to wean her from her medications . " When she first came to us , she was an emotional wreck . By the time she left , she was a different human being . … So we 're all happy if she 's in the right place … but we miss her . " While she 's progressed since I last saw her , in some ways not much has changed . Her political asylum application , filed in early summer , remains in limbo . And the Aesha fund , which no longer draws attention , is drying up . Aesha passes the lip gloss back to Perlman . The two have moved beyond a strictly student - teacher relationship in recent months . In August , Aesha got news that an older cousin of hers had been killed . He had helped bring her to safety after she was brutalized , and she looked up to him . His death , which she learned about from her cousin 's wife , made Aesha long for family in new ways , Perlman says . She doesn 't go entirely unnoticed . A banquet server approaches , wanting to shake her hand . And when she walks across the room to hug her therapist , some stare and nudge their neighbors , not fooled by the prosthetic nose . On the stage , women speak about how change for Afghan women and girls cannot happen overnight . They wonder if expectations have been too high . A videographer standing behind me captures the discussion . Aesha , whose famous image will go unsold and be returned to the photographer , spots the videographer and gasps . She thinks she 's being filmed . She puts her hand up in protest and complains to Perlman . She 'd spent the bulk of that morning and afternoon with Aesha at Elmhurst hospital . Aesha was treated for an ear infection , and then Hyneman accompanied her to appointments at the center that works with torture victims . She dropped Aesha off at her apartment around 4 p . m . This , they all assumed , was simply one of Aesha 's games . She had a funny habit of making out - of - nowhere pronouncements in jest . " I 'm going to Afghanistan now , " she 'd sometimes say . Or , as she walked out of the office , " I 'm going to California . Bye ! " Aesha 's teachers , Jessica Whitney and Ariela Perlman , couldn 't wait to take her the next evening to Manhattan , where they 'd watch the blowing up of the Macy 's Thanksgiving Day Parade balloons . The next week she had another appointment with the plastic surgeon . There was a ticket for her to see her first Broadway show , " The Lion King . " Hyneman learned she was with a couple she had met during a weeklong summer getaway . They were relatives of Fahima Vorgetts , a former board member of Women for Afghan Women and head of the Afghan Women 's Fund , who had hosted Aesha at her home in West Virginia . She 'd welcomed Aesha as a favor to Hyneman , whom she 'd known for a decade and who thought Aesha needed a break from Queens . When Hyneman and the others learned Aesha was gone , they thought she would return after the long Thanksgiving weekend . Even the couple thought she was with them just for a visit . Aesha , however , had her own idea . She planned to stay . Hyneman was initially crushed . For more than a year , she 'd dropped everything for Aesha . She hadn 't traveled to Afghanistan as she usually does . And during rough patches , she 'd slept in the Women for Afghan Women office so she could be closer to Aesha . Still , she doesn 't judge her for anything she 's done . " I was personally really attached to her . She called me grandma . That was irresistible to me , " says Hyneman , who has no children of her own . " When she first came to us , she was an emotional wreck . By the time she left , she was a different human being . … So we 're all happy if she 's in the right place to further her development , but we miss her . " Others in the office were confused by what had happened and wondered if they 'd known Aesha - - and her needs - - at all . There was plenty of concern about whom she was with , what their intentions might be and how deep the support network would be once the honeymoon phase passed . Some confessed feelings of relief , as the journey with Aesha had become all consuming . Now they could focus on the hundreds of other Afghan women they serve from their Queens office . " At least you can say bye to someone ! " she remembers telling Aesha the first time she called from her new home . " Everything we could do for her , we did . … And it seems she never had any kind of love or respect for us . " " We were picked by the situation , not by Aesha , " Whitney says . She hadn 't had " that organic feeling of participating in picking a relationship . … Family is one of her favorite things to talk about . … We couldn 't simulate the family she needed and wanted . " I barely sleep the night before I see her next . It 's late January , almost a year to the date after Aesha surprised me by barging into the Queens office . I 'm in Maryland , on my way to her new and chosen home . For the first time , I 'll be able to speak to her . But also for the first time , I 'll meet her adopted family . I 've talked my way inside but don 't know how long they 'll let me stay . On the drive to Frederick , about an hour northwest of Washington , I wonder what sort of Aesha I 'll see . Will she be as eager as I am to finally talk ? Or will she see me as a remnant of a past she wants to escape ? Most of all , I want to know : Is she happy ? Mati Arsala and Jamila Rasouli - Arsala welcome me into their modest but well - kept town home , which sits in a sleepy subdivision of tract homes and apartments . Aesha is barefoot and in jeans . Her makeup , no surprise , is perfect . And she 's without her prosthetic nose . She 's more relaxed than I 've ever seen her . With a warm smile , she plays hostess , serving tea she brings from the kitchen . She curls her feet beneath her on the couch , where she prefers to sleep instead of her bed . Aesha saw what she wanted . Back in New York , she launched her phone campaign . Every other night , in the middle of the night , she called Jamila . She griped about her life in New York . She told Jamila she wasn 't being taught English or getting the surgery she wanted . She said she was lonely and wanted to live with them . And as the months wore on , Jamila and Mati understood that they could offer something no organization could . Aesha sets the table while the woman she sometimes calls mother , sometimes aunt , prepares a traditional Afghan feast featuring heaping platters of rice , lamb and chicken kebab . She shows me her bedroom downstairs , which she uses more like a walk - in closet . In the first weeks after her arrival , in the wee hours , she 'd pad upstairs from the couch where she slept to wake Jamila and Mati - - complaining of nightmares and headaches . Now she busies herself , while others sleep , glued to her computer . The couple married six years ago ; it is the second marriage for both . Mati , who says he 's " around 60 , " has two kids who are grown ; 46 - year - old Jamila has a daughter who lives with them . Miena , 14 , is an honors student , an athlete and as dependent on her iPhone and Facebook account as she is oxygen . Mati and Jamila had talked about adopting a young child from Haiti or foster care , but now they have Aesha . As their 22 - year - old unwraps a lollipop , they tell her to wait till after dinner . With a grin and a defiant " no , " she shoves it into her mouth . They roll their eyes , and we chat about her stubbornness . She understands everything we 're saying and laughs . In spite of the language barrier , she tries to swap memories with me . Remember the time you came when Osama bin Laden was killed ? Did you like the gala ? Remember how I told Esther " Puck you " ? She wears a ring she says her Afghan friend , Yalda Afif , gave her , but she says she doesn 't miss New York . Sometimes she misses some of the people . She says she 's happy here . At the dinner table , she bends over a piece of paper and begins writing : " My name is Aesha Mohammadzai . " This is her legal name . Earlier , it 'd been spelled Aisha . She writes it confidently and proudly , lower case letters and all . It 's the name that appears on the Social Security card she received soon after she was granted asylum in the United States . Mati says Aesha now receives about $ 280 a month in benefits . Mati and Jamila discuss politics . Jamila , who moved from Germany when she married Mati , loves President Barack Obama and practiced English listening to his speeches . Mati , who 's been in the United States since 1971 , is a dedicated Republican . Aesha pipes in with her preference . Minutes later , I catch her staring at my face . She mutters something in Pashto , and the couple translate for me . Her original nose , she has told them , looked just like mine . Pen to paper , she writes again . " Thank you Jessaie . " They ask me to spell my name correctly for her and she continues . " I love Jessica Jan , " she writes , adding a term of endearment to my name , before crossing out " I love . " On the YouTube page she has up , she begins playing videos . Her playlist isn 't just autobiographical . It includes stories about other girls who 've been gang - raped or mutilated like her : " Afghan Women 's Nose & Ears Cut off by her Husband , " " Pakistan : Fazeelat Bibi 's nose and ears cut off " and " 12 y old girl in Afghanistan victim of violence by husband . " She has watched one so many times she mimics the journalist 's words . Plenty more document her celebrated arrival in America . ABC News ' Diane Sawyer honors her smile and new beginning with " Bibi Aisha Unveils New Nose . " She 's on display with Maria Shriver , cameras flashing , and wearing the prosthetic nose she no longer uses in " New look for Afghan attack woman . " She pulls strands of vibrant beads from a plastic bin . She learned to make jewelry during the months she spent in prison in Afghanistan for running away - - before her father - in - law retrieved her and made her pay an even more brutal price for her so - called crime . It was also in prison that she learned to chew tobacco , a habit her doctors say she must kick before she can have surgery . She insists she has . " My heart breaks for her . She didn 't have any time to be a kid . … She 's acting like a kid because she has a chance now . There 's nothing wrong with that . " Beyond occasional meetings with the doctors and her four - hour ESL class on Saturday mornings , Aesha doesn 't have a lot to do to keep her busy . Mati , a civil engineer , and Jamila , an OB - GYN in Germany who must complete a residency program in the United States but is now doing pathology research , are away at work . And Miena is in school all day , followed by track practice , plans with friends and homework . I ask Aesha if she 's bored . She doesn 't seem to understand the question . I ask if she 's made friends . " My friend computer , " she says . For months now , Aesha has been off her medications . She 's seen a psychologist three or four times . She can still hold a spotlight with her humor and stories . Then there was the time in New York when a man followed her . As she walked faster , so did he . She was terrified . But then she looked back , and he got spooked . One look at her prosthetic - free face and he ran away . These are the light Aesha moments . But Mati and Jamila have come to know the dark ones , too . The days when they struggle to get her out of bed . The times when anger or sadness washes over her . The moments when she 's incapable of showing gratitude . " She 's a trauma patient , " Jamila says . " If you want to help , you have to have a very thick skin . … There 's no room in her heart for appreciation . " They knew there would be challenges . But they couldn 't turn her away . Mati worries about how and when she 'll ever be able to support herself . They say she wants her own apartment , and they 'd like her to have it . Their job is to make sure her needs are met . To that end , they hope to establish a trust fund for her soon . When she arrived in November , they say , she wore sandals and a thin coat that was too small . She said this was all she had . She told them she only received $ 25 a week for food . They say she couldn 't count to 10 . I remember the pea coat and UGG knockoff boots she wore the first time I saw her . I watched her , a year ago , learning math . I know her food was paid for by Women for Afghan Women . I ask Aesha about the closet full of clothes in her Queens apartment and the collection of shoes that lined her bedroom wall . All of those things belonged to her roommate , she says . I must look dubious because she adds something in Pashto : " This is the truth . " But Mati is done coddling her and wishes his wife would let Aesha do more for herself . To grow , to become independent , she needs to have boundaries , accept responsibility and not get her breakfast prepared for her every day , he says . If they treat her like a child , he continues , she 'll stay a child . CNN 's Jessica Ravitz first encountered the subject of this story , Aesha Mohammadzai , in January 2011 in the Queens , New York , offices of Women for Afghan Women . Aesha had arrived in America in August 2010 , with the promise of receiving reconstructive surgery in California . But when it was determined she was not yet stable enough for the surgery , Women for Afghan Women assumed responsibility and moved her across the country to New York . When Ravitz asked to document Aesha 's journey , she was told there was a media moratorium . No one was being allowed to interview or photograph Aesha . So instead , Ravitz brokered an arrangement in which she could write about Aesha by interviewing the volunteers who were working with her - - her English and math tutors ; the imam who taught her about Islam ; lawyers familiar with the asylum process ; her primary guardian at Women for Afghan Women , Esther Hyneman ; and others in the group 's Queens office . Ravitz also interviewed the organization 's executive director , who is based in Kabul , where Aesha lived in one of the group 's shelters for nine months . In November , Aesha was granted asylum . By then , she had also left Women for Afghan Women 's care . Ravitz approached Aesha 's new guardians in Frederick , Maryland , and they agreed to be interviewed . Jamila hears him and understands , " But my heart breaks for her , " she says , her hand on her husband 's . " She didn 't have any time to be a kid , Mati Jan . She didn 't have any time . She 's acting like a kid because she has a chance now . There 's nothing wrong with that . " Here , no matter her age , education or obstacles , she can dream . She can be a police officer who protects women . She can stand on her own . She 's nobody 's poster child here . She 's not a feel - good cause or a PR dream . She 's one human being , released from carrying the weight of others . A towheaded boy races by . He doesn 't notice the grown woman on the swing . He doesn 't see or care that her nose is missing . Since arriving in America less than two years ago , she 's lived in three cities . She 's been showcased like a star and protected like a fragile child . She 's been passed around by well - meaning strangers , embraced by a team of women . And she 's gone after a family of her own . Here , on this swing , Aesha doesn 't carry others ' expectations . She doesn 't need a fairy - tale ending . She can soar on her own . To contact the author of this piece , e - mail Jessica . Ravitz @ turner . com . This is CNN 's third Digital Magazine story . The others can be read here : CNN . com / Mauritania and CNN . com / Charles .
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Comment Without a knock , the office door flies open . She barges into the room , a perfumed tornado disrupting every conversation and worker in her path . Wearing skinny jeans , UGG knockoff boots and a pea coat , she carries the swagger of any self - absorbed American teen . Her long dark hair flows thick , smooth and enviable . Her makeup is impeccable - - barring one small flaw . It doesn 't perfectly match the shade of her prosthetic nose . Only because of her nose do I realize who this is : the Afghan woman whose disfigured face graced the August 9 , 2010 , cover of Time magazine . Her Taliban husband and in - laws punished her for running away by hacking off her nose and ears and leaving her for dead . She became a symbol of the oppression of women in her war - torn country . It 's January 2011 , and we 're in the humble Queens , New York , house that serves as the U . S . office for Women for Afghan Women , a grass - roots organization dedicated to protecting and empowering Afghan women and girls . Though the group mostly serves those in Afghanistan , including more than 4 , 000 who 've lived in its shelters there over the past decade , this small New York community center offers English , driving and citizenship classes to Afghan women and others from places such as Pakistan and India . It organizes field trips , brings in speakers , facilitates job placements . In sunny Southern California , she bounced between lavish homes in gated communities . She was trotted out at a pricey gala dinner in Beverly Hills , where she debuted her prosthetic nose , a preview of what the surgery would do for her . She walked the proverbial red carpet , met Laura Bush and was honored by California 's then - first lady , Maria Shriver . There is the 5 - year - old who was raped by two men before being thrown into a river . The woman forced to marry her husband 's killer , who then brutalized her , killed one of her children and made her wear a suicide vest . And , most recently , there is the case of Sahar Gul , the 14 - year - old girl who was found in a Baghlan province cellar after enduring months of torture and rape . Women for Afghan Women was founded in April 2001 . It operates seven shelters that have served more than 4 , 000 women and girls . The group has also trained more than 65 , 000 people in Afghanistan to understand and respect women 's rights . The rights and well - being of Afghan women collapsed when the Taliban took official control of the country in 1996 . The militant Islamic organization , which once harbored Osama bin Laden and shares close ties with the al Qaeda network , was officially ousted from power after the United States and its allies invaded in response to the September 11 , 2001 , terrorist attacks . But the Taliban still reign in large swaths of the country - - including the southern region where Aesha was born . But in the weeks that followed , the women in New York say , Aesha fought with families who took her in . She missed the women she 'd lived with in the Kabul shelter . She had episodes where she shook , went stiff and her eyes rolled back in her head . She bit herself , screamed and pulled out her hair . She had to be hospitalized . Doctors determined she wasn 't yet stable enough for the grueling reconstructive surgery . By November 2010 , the California foundation couldn 't care for her anymore . So Women for Afghan Women stepped in again . When she appeared on the cover of Time , the accompanying story explored what U . S . troop withdrawals from Afghanistan would mean for women there . The headline next to her mutilated face said , " What happens if we leave Afghanistan . " I wanted to focus on what happened after Aesha left Afghanistan - - the complicated , messy business of saving a life . When I approached Women for Afghan Women for this story , the organization would not allow me to interview Aesha , nor could CNN film or photograph her . So I decided to tell Aesha 's story through the people working with her . My chances to observe her sporadically in New York over the next eight months - - by far the most telling moments - - were pure happenstance . The organization 's decision to allow Time to photograph Aesha in 2010 was calculated and deliberate . The group wanted to influence the conversation about U . S . troop withdrawals , and Aesha was its best chance . She became the poster child for the 15 million Afghan women and girls it fears will be brought to their knees , again , if troops leave too soon and the Taliban regain control . The women who cared for Aesha said she didn 't need the added pressure . They acknowledged that putting her out there publicly served an initial purpose . But with all the challenges Aesha faced , they said , fame was a distraction . They rolled their eyes when noting how quickly she learned to love the spotlight , which she tasted in Kabul and gobbled up in California . Now , among her pastimes : She Googles herself . There 's no manual on how to help someone like Aesha . But Hyneman and the others who cared for her - - including her therapist , whom I would interview - - were employing every tool they could to help her heal and attain the skills she needed to navigate her new world . A year into that effort , though , the one thing they could not give Aesha would drive her from their grasp , and they would be left to make sense of her choice : Was it an impulsive decision made for the wrong reasons , a risk that might threaten her well - being ? Or a measure of success , an act of independence ? The second time I see Aesha in the Queens office , it 's early May 2011 . Women for Afghan Women has enlisted volunteers to teach her English and math . But she doesn 't seem as flawlessly put together . Her hair is disheveled , her makeup less perfect . She 's not wearing her prosthetic nose . I 'm typing away on my laptop when she spots me . She races to find paper , grabs a pen and hunches over a nearby desk . A minute later she bounds toward me , her smile wide , her eyes expectant . She thrusts out the paper with the command , " Look ! " At a small kitchen table in her ground - floor apartment , Aesha is tackling what her teacher calls CVC words - - consonant , vowel , consonant - - like cup , mop , hat . Colorful pictures , workbooks and writing papers are spread between them . On a counter nearby is Aesha 's pillbox ; it holds the meds meant to even out her erratic moods . Ariela Perlman , 26 , works with emotionally disturbed fifth - graders and is one of two volunteers teaching English and math to Aesha . The task is compounded by how sheltered Aesha 's life was . She was illiterate even in her native language , Pashto . For that reason and others , her teachers must customize her lessons . A typical alphabet book , for example , would feature an X for xylophone , something Aesha has never seen . So her book features photos of people Aesha knows or magazine cutouts of items she uses : K is for Kelly , who works in the Women for Afghan Women office ; P is for pen . She has had to learn far more than language . Aesha didn 't know there are days of the week . She 's had to learn not to litter , how to board a subway and use a laundromat . Born in a village in southern Afghanistan , Aesha was given away by her father to settle a family score . Her uncle had killed someone in a Taliban family , and she was offered up for marriage as payback . In other words , the crime committed by her uncle was paid for with her body . She 's said her in - laws beat her and forced her to sleep with the animals . When she ran away after several years , she was caught , tossed in prison for months and then retrieved by her father - in - law . The Taliban court , she said in a 2010 CNN interview in Kabul , ruled that she should be mutilated for dishonoring her husband 's family . Naheed Bahram , the group 's 31 - year - old program coordinator , recalls the time she suffered a migraine in the office . As Bahram clung to the toilet vomiting , Aesha swept up and held her hair , gave her water and gently massaged her head . That night , she phoned Bahram to check on her . Aesha 's other math and English teacher , Jessica Whitney , won 't allow cuddling but lets Aesha hold her hand or arm when they 're walking . She conducts most lessons at the office , but also thinks Aesha needs to be stimulated and get outside . She makes their outings into lessons in motion . She points at signs , quizzing Aesha on letters . She gestures toward a passing car or clothing in a window - - and asks her to name what they 're seeing . Though she 's pulled muscles in her back and legs pushing her " giant little girl " on a swing , she says she uses the time to make Aesha practice counting . Whitney , 26 , sees great potential in her student and an eagerness to learn . Aesha tells people she plans to go to college and become a police officer . She wants to protect women . Although her living expenses have been covered by a special fund set up for her by Women for Afghan Women , Aesha thinks the organization is withholding money . She 's a celebrity , Afghan community members tell her . She must be wealthy . That could not be further from the truth , Hyneman says . Never before had the New York office worried about one person 's 24 / 7 care . A year ago , Hyneman said the Aesha fund only had enough donations to last five more months . Grant money earmarked for programming , she said , could not be used to bankroll Aesha 's needs . Aesha flips through fashion magazines and emulates what she sees . She loves high heels , especially those cluttered with glitter , bows and fake jewels . A small collection lines a wall in her bedroom . Whitney has tried to talk to Aesha about practicality , about buying the sorts of shoes that will last . On one outing to replace a froufrou pair that had fallen apart , Aesha picked a toned - down version of what she usually likes , but still shiny , black and with some glitz . Whitney saw the price and knew there 'd be trouble . Whitney held up one shoe , said it was $ 20 . She held up the other , also $ 20 . Aesha insisted she 'd have both . Back and forth they went , until Aesha stormed out of the shop , fuming . In California , Aesha moved around , playing the role of guest in home after home . Here , Hyneman and the others want her to have her own home , one that doesn 't change . But they don 't want her to be alone , especially at night . So they 've hired someone to live with her . When her first roommate threw a party to help her meet people , Aesha kicked everyone out . When another took Aesha to a movie she didn 't like , she fled the theater . When a third refused to clean up after Aesha , she grew enraged . Hyneman says Women for Afghan Women just can 't pay people enough to stay . And even if the group was flush with cash , it might not be sufficient . One former roommate said she wouldn 't stick around for a million dollars . She screams " hi " and waves to strangers . The music of an ice cream truck sends her running . When she sees a swing set , she races to play . Struck by the contrast in her appearance from when I first saw her in January 2011 and then again that May , I ask the women who care for her : Why isn 't Aesha wearing her prosthetic nose ? Is it an indication of newfound confidence ? Maybe it 's a call for attention ? Or could it be a sign of turmoil , a psychological slip downward ? She often asks when she 'll have her surgery . She believes her life will start over after her face is restored . They can only tell her it 'll happen when she 's ready . In California , Aesha began to display what was later diagnosed as psychologically induced " faux seizures . " Between those and her tantrums , it became clear she wasn 't emotionally prepared for the reconstructive surgery . It will be a lengthy , painful and complicated process involving skin expanders in her forehead , deep cuts , as well as bone , cartilage and skin grafts . Hyneman says no one expected Aesha to regress the way she did after she arrived in the United States . In early 2011 , Hyneman witnessed a terrifying episode . Aesha threw herself down , banged her head on the floor , pulled her hair out in fistfuls and bit her fingers . No one could stop her . Hyneman called 911 . Aesha was hospitalized for 10 days . Her medications were evaluated and changed , and she turned a corner . A team of doctors , working pro bono , was assembled to care for Aesha . Hyneman says she also was seeing specialists who work with survivors of torture . No one at the Libertas Center for Human Rights at Elmhurst Hospital Center in Queens would talk about her case . A search for Pashto - speaking psychologists in New York will yield no results , Bakhchi says . That 's partly because mental health isn 't even a field of medicine where Aesha comes from . But the psychologist 's Farsi and Aesha 's Pashto work : " We understand each other perfectly . " Over breakfast on a Thursday near her office in Manhattan , Bakhchi describes Aesha as a highly intelligent young woman whose smarts don 't just show in her learning ; they come through in the way she manipulates others and pushes their buttons . She hurts people before they can hurt her . She lives in " survival mode . " Beyond post - traumatic stress disorder , Bakhchi says , Aesha has borderline personality disorder . Research is mixed as to whether a stressor such as Aesha 's brutal disfigurement can trigger a personality disorder , she explains , but she believes it can . There 's also a chance , though , that her disorder existed long before the attack . Environment and genetics are thought to predispose some people to borderline personality disorder . It is marked by instability in relationships , moods , behavior and sense of self , according to the National Institute of Mental Health . Though not as well understood as bipolar disorder or schizophrenia , the illness affects 2 % of adults , most of them young women . Twenty percent of hospitalizations in psychiatric facilities are tied to borderline personality disorder , but with time and help many sufferers can transform their lives . Bakhchi says the disorder is responsible for Aesha 's volatile behavior and black - and - white thinking . In Aesha 's worldview , a person in any single moment is either evil or an angel . Her moods swing impulsively . One minute she 's cuddled up on a lap , the next she 's screaming . " I really hope at some point she 'll be a functioning young lady that had a terrible trauma , " Bakhchi says . " I want it so badly for her . There are a lot of people who care about her . She couldn 't be in better hands . " Aesha sees in Yalda Afif many things she wants for herself . She was drawn to the young Afghan caseworker the day they met in the Women for Afghan Women office . Afif 's mother called , and Aesha snatched the phone to say hello . She 's come to know Afif 's family members in New York and treats them as her own . The two young women shop for beads in Manhattan so Aesha can make jewelry to sell in local salons . They 've run around Times Square and visited museums . Afif , 23 , wants to take Aesha on a ferry to the Statue of Liberty . They make heaps of food , throw dance parties with friends in Aesha 's apartment and sometimes agree in advance to dress up in traditional Punjabi clothes . They chat on the phone every night . Aesha , Afif says , has a giddy crush on an actor in one of the Indian dramas she watches . Through her example , Afif hopes Aesha understands that families can be loving . She wants Aesha to learn about respect , patience and modesty . She wants her to be proud of her native culture and her Muslim faith , to strive to be " a good Afghan girl . " But the two knew very different Afghanistans . Afif was born in Kabul , not a Taliban - controlled village , and had a father who insisted she go to school - - an impossibility for Aesha . Afif 's father pushed her to pursue her dreams and achieve what she deserves . Someday Afif would like to return to her country and open a women 's university . Though they spend a lot of time laughing together , Afif also listens to Aesha 's anxieties . Aesha worries about a younger half - sister who 's been promised to the same Taliban family . Afif fantasizes that the sister will one day join Aesha in New York . In late 2010 , Aesha 's father - in - law was arrested for his role in her mutilation . Authorities said he held Aesha at gunpoint and ordered five other men - - including her husband - - to cut her . The father - in - law was released last July , however , reportedly because he didn 't do the cutting himself and because Aesha is no longer around to pursue the case . Afif wants Aesha to share her faith in America . They can walk around freely without being questioned . They 're so lucky to be Afghan women living here . When I last visited Queens , I arrived on May 2 , 2011 - - just days after Aesha kicked out her latest roommate . This sudden turn of events , and the quandary it presented , pushed Esther Hyneman over the edge . She launched what became an epic blowout . " No , it 's fuck you ! Fuck you ! " she yelled back . " Repeat after me : Fuck , fuck , fuck ! If you 're going to say it , you need to say it right ! " But it 's two days after the argument , and Aesha isn 't laughing . She 's holed up in her apartment , moping . Hyneman asks Afif to come with us to see Aesha , to translate . The women are worried that she 's still reeling from the fight . They 've also got big news to share . Aesha opens the door wearing wine - colored and embroidered Punjabi clothes . She turns back toward the living room and drops onto her dark brown sofa . On a laptop beside her , one of her favorite YouTube music videos - - " Naghma Pashto Lovely Nice Song " - - is queued up for play . It 's early afternoon , and she looks like she just woke up . Her hair hasn 't been brushed . A space heater on the large Afghan carpet blows on her , and she wipes the place where her nose once was . Aesha takes her hand from Afif , bows her head and starts rubbing her temples . She says she has a headache . Afif reaches out , smoothes Aesha 's hair and rubs her back . We leave the apartment just before she starts watching TV . When Hyneman and I return hours later , Aesha is with one of her teachers . She has changed into a white silk blouse and black jeans . Her hair is brushed , and her eye makeup is painted on thick . She may not have read books or articles that detail how the terrorist leader gained power and found allies in her home country . She never attended classes that explain why the Taliban secured a foothold and derailed a future that could have been hers . Aesha 's understanding is simple : A " crazy " man , one ideologically connected to those who hurt her , is gone . And for that she 's glad . Activists , donors and dignitaries mill about in exquisite attire , sipping wine and tasting hors d ' oeuvres . They place bids in a silent auction , admiring hand - crafted jewelry , scarves , an Afghan rug . A large gift basket has been provided by the Long Island plastic surgeon who hopes to start Aesha 's surgical process soon . Next to musicians playing traditional rabab music is a large original print of the Time photograph of Aesha . Donated by the photographer , the image has a minimum opening bid of $ 5 , 000 . Proceeds are intended to benefit Aesha 's special fund . No one was sure whether Aesha would show up at this elegant October affair to celebrate 10 years of Women for Afghan Women . Hyneman and the others knew they couldn 't tell her what to do . If they encouraged her to come , she 'd refuse . If they suggested she stay home , she 'd insist on being there . And in reality , they just didn 't care ; it wasn 't about her . But convincing her of this was impossible . She 'd thrown a tantrum earlier in the day , the women told me , saying she refused to be exploited and would not go . Last time she went to a gala , in California a year earlier , she was the featured star . This night is about making the once powerless powerful . It is about bolstering the mission to give Afghan women and girls the tools they need . There are success stories , standing ovations - - and not one mention of Aesha . I have not seen Aesha since the day she learned about bin Laden 's death . A lot has happened since then . In addition to her private tutoring , she is now attending English as a second language classes with other Afghan women four times a week - - though sometimes she gets sent home for laughing at people 's mistakes . Her outbursts are more sporadic and short - lived . Her black - and - white thinking has grown less pronounced . They are starting to wean her from her medications . " When she first came to us , she was an emotional wreck . By the time she left , she was a different human being . … So we 're all happy if she 's in the right place … but we miss her . " While she 's progressed since I last saw her , in some ways not much has changed . Her political asylum application , filed in early summer , remains in limbo . And the Aesha fund , which no longer draws attention , is drying up . Aesha passes the lip gloss back to Perlman . The two have moved beyond a strictly student - teacher relationship in recent months . In August , Aesha got news that an older cousin of hers had been killed . He had helped bring her to safety after she was brutalized , and she looked up to him . His death , which she learned about from her cousin 's wife , made Aesha long for family in new ways , Perlman says . She doesn 't go entirely unnoticed . A banquet server approaches , wanting to shake her hand . And when she walks across the room to hug her therapist , some stare and nudge their neighbors , not fooled by the prosthetic nose . On the stage , women speak about how change for Afghan women and girls cannot happen overnight . They wonder if expectations have been too high . A videographer standing behind me captures the discussion . Aesha , whose famous image will go unsold and be returned to the photographer , spots the videographer and gasps . She thinks she 's being filmed . She puts her hand up in protest and complains to Perlman . She 'd spent the bulk of that morning and afternoon with Aesha at Elmhurst hospital . Aesha was treated for an ear infection , and then Hyneman accompanied her to appointments at the center that works with torture victims . She dropped Aesha off at her apartment around 4 p . m . This , they all assumed , was simply one of Aesha 's games . She had a funny habit of making out - of - nowhere pronouncements in jest . " I 'm going to Afghanistan now , " she 'd sometimes say . Or , as she walked out of the office , " I 'm going to California . Bye ! " Aesha 's teachers , Jessica Whitney and Ariela Perlman , couldn 't wait to take her the next evening to Manhattan , where they 'd watch the blowing up of the Macy 's Thanksgiving Day Parade balloons . The next week she had another appointment with the plastic surgeon . There was a ticket for her to see her first Broadway show , " The Lion King . " Hyneman learned she was with a couple she had met during a weeklong summer getaway . They were relatives of Fahima Vorgetts , a former board member of Women for Afghan Women and head of the Afghan Women 's Fund , who had hosted Aesha at her home in West Virginia . She 'd welcomed Aesha as a favor to Hyneman , whom she 'd known for a decade and who thought Aesha needed a break from Queens . When Hyneman and the others learned Aesha was gone , they thought she would return after the long Thanksgiving weekend . Even the couple thought she was with them just for a visit . Aesha , however , had her own idea . She planned to stay . Hyneman was initially crushed . For more than a year , she 'd dropped everything for Aesha . She hadn 't traveled to Afghanistan as she usually does . And during rough patches , she 'd slept in the Women for Afghan Women office so she could be closer to Aesha . Still , she doesn 't judge her for anything she 's done . " I was personally really attached to her . She called me grandma . That was irresistible to me , " says Hyneman , who has no children of her own . " When she first came to us , she was an emotional wreck . By the time she left , she was a different human being . … So we 're all happy if she 's in the right place to further her development , but we miss her . " Others in the office were confused by what had happened and wondered if they 'd known Aesha - - and her needs - - at all . There was plenty of concern about whom she was with , what their intentions might be and how deep the support network would be once the honeymoon phase passed . Some confessed feelings of relief , as the journey with Aesha had become all consuming . Now they could focus on the hundreds of other Afghan women they serve from their Queens office . " At least you can say bye to someone ! " she remembers telling Aesha the first time she called from her new home . " Everything we could do for her , we did . … And it seems she never had any kind of love or respect for us . " " We were picked by the situation , not by Aesha , " Whitney says . She hadn 't had " that organic feeling of participating in picking a relationship . … Family is one of her favorite things to talk about . … We couldn 't simulate the family she needed and wanted . " I barely sleep the night before I see her next . It 's late January , almost a year to the date after Aesha surprised me by barging into the Queens office . I 'm in Maryland , on my way to her new and chosen home . For the first time , I 'll be able to speak to her . But also for the first time , I 'll meet her adopted family . I 've talked my way inside but don 't know how long they 'll let me stay . On the drive to Frederick , about an hour northwest of Washington , I wonder what sort of Aesha I 'll see . Will she be as eager as I am to finally talk ? Or will she see me as a remnant of a past she wants to escape ? Most of all , I want to know : Is she happy ? Mati Arsala and Jamila Rasouli - Arsala welcome me into their modest but well - kept town home , which sits in a sleepy subdivision of tract homes and apartments . Aesha is barefoot and in jeans . Her makeup , no surprise , is perfect . And she 's without her prosthetic nose . She 's more relaxed than I 've ever seen her . With a warm smile , she plays hostess , serving tea she brings from the kitchen . She curls her feet beneath her on the couch , where she prefers to sleep instead of her bed . Aesha saw what she wanted . Back in New York , she launched her phone campaign . Every other night , in the middle of the night , she called Jamila . She griped about her life in New York . She told Jamila she wasn 't being taught English or getting the surgery she wanted . She said she was lonely and wanted to live with them . And as the months wore on , Jamila and Mati understood that they could offer something no organization could . Aesha sets the table while the woman she sometimes calls mother , sometimes aunt , prepares a traditional Afghan feast featuring heaping platters of rice , lamb and chicken kebab . She shows me her bedroom downstairs , which she uses more like a walk - in closet . In the first weeks after her arrival , in the wee hours , she 'd pad upstairs from the couch where she slept to wake Jamila and Mati - - complaining of nightmares and headaches . Now she busies herself , while others sleep , glued to her computer . The couple married six years ago ; it is the second marriage for both . Mati , who says he 's " around 60 , " has two kids who are grown ; 46 - year - old Jamila has a daughter who lives with them . Miena , 14 , is an honors student , an athlete and as dependent on her iPhone and Facebook account as she is oxygen . Mati and Jamila had talked about adopting a young child from Haiti or foster care , but now they have Aesha . As their 22 - year - old unwraps a lollipop , they tell her to wait till after dinner . With a grin and a defiant " no , " she shoves it into her mouth . They roll their eyes , and we chat about her stubbornness . She understands everything we 're saying and laughs . In spite of the language barrier , she tries to swap memories with me . Remember the time you came when Osama bin Laden was killed ? Did you like the gala ? Remember how I told Esther " Puck you " ? She wears a ring she says her Afghan friend , Yalda Afif , gave her , but she says she doesn 't miss New York . Sometimes she misses some of the people . She says she 's happy here . At the dinner table , she bends over a piece of paper and begins writing : " My name is Aesha Mohammadzai . " This is her legal name . Earlier , it 'd been spelled Aisha . She writes it confidently and proudly , lower case letters and all . It 's the name that appears on the Social Security card she received soon after she was granted asylum in the United States . Mati says Aesha now receives about $ 280 a month in benefits . Mati and Jamila discuss politics . Jamila , who moved from Germany when she married Mati , loves President Barack Obama and practiced English listening to his speeches . Mati , who 's been in the United States since 1971 , is a dedicated Republican . Aesha pipes in with her preference . Minutes later , I catch her staring at my face . She mutters something in Pashto , and the couple translate for me . Her original nose , she has told them , looked just like mine . Pen to paper , she writes again . " Thank you Jessaie . " They ask me to spell my name correctly for her and she continues . " I love Jessica Jan , " she writes , adding a term of endearment to my name , before crossing out " I love . " On the YouTube page she has up , she begins playing videos . Her playlist isn 't just autobiographical . It includes stories about other girls who 've been gang - raped or mutilated like her : " Afghan Women 's Nose & Ears Cut off by her Husband , " " Pakistan : Fazeelat Bibi 's nose and ears cut off " and " 12 y old girl in Afghanistan victim of violence by husband . " She has watched one so many times she mimics the journalist 's words . Plenty more document her celebrated arrival in America . ABC News ' Diane Sawyer honors her smile and new beginning with " Bibi Aisha Unveils New Nose . " She 's on display with Maria Shriver , cameras flashing , and wearing the prosthetic nose she no longer uses in " New look for Afghan attack woman . " She pulls strands of vibrant beads from a plastic bin . She learned to make jewelry during the months she spent in prison in Afghanistan for running away - - before her father - in - law retrieved her and made her pay an even more brutal price for her so - called crime . It was also in prison that she learned to chew tobacco , a habit her doctors say she must kick before she can have surgery . She insists she has . " My heart breaks for her . She didn 't have any time to be a kid . … She 's acting like a kid because she has a chance now . There 's nothing wrong with that . " Beyond occasional meetings with the doctors and her four - hour ESL class on Saturday mornings , Aesha doesn 't have a lot to do to keep her busy . Mati , a civil engineer , and Jamila , an OB - GYN in Germany who must complete a residency program in the United States but is now doing pathology research , are away at work . And Miena is in school all day , followed by track practice , plans with friends and homework . I ask Aesha if she 's bored . She doesn 't seem to understand the question . I ask if she 's made friends . " My friend computer , " she says . For months now , Aesha has been off her medications . She 's seen a psychologist three or four times . She can still hold a spotlight with her humor and stories . Then there was the time in New York when a man followed her . As she walked faster , so did he . She was terrified . But then she looked back , and he got spooked . One look at her prosthetic - free face and he ran away . These are the light Aesha moments . But Mati and Jamila have come to know the dark ones , too . The days when they struggle to get her out of bed . The times when anger or sadness washes over her . The moments when she 's incapable of showing gratitude . " She 's a trauma patient , " Jamila says . " If you want to help , you have to have a very thick skin . … There 's no room in her heart for appreciation . " They knew there would be challenges . But they couldn 't turn her away . Mati worries about how and when she 'll ever be able to support herself . They say she wants her own apartment , and they 'd like her to have it . Their job is to make sure her needs are met . To that end , they hope to establish a trust fund for her soon . When she arrived in November , they say , she wore sandals and a thin coat that was too small . She said this was all she had . She told them she only received $ 25 a week for food . They say she couldn 't count to 10 . I remember the pea coat and UGG knockoff boots she wore the first time I saw her . I watched her , a year ago , learning math . I know her food was paid for by Women for Afghan Women . I ask Aesha about the closet full of clothes in her Queens apartment and the collection of shoes that lined her bedroom wall . All of those things belonged to her roommate , she says . I must look dubious because she adds something in Pashto : " This is the truth . " But Mati is done coddling her and wishes his wife would let Aesha do more for herself . To grow , to become independent , she needs to have boundaries , accept responsibility and not get her breakfast prepared for her every day , he says . If they treat her like a child , he continues , she 'll stay a child . CNN 's Jessica Ravitz first encountered the subject of this story , Aesha Mohammadzai , in January 2011 in the Queens , New York , offices of Women for Afghan Women . Aesha had arrived in America in August 2010 , with the promise of receiving reconstructive surgery in California . But when it was determined she was not yet stable enough for the surgery , Women for Afghan Women assumed responsibility and moved her across the country to New York . When Ravitz asked to document Aesha 's journey , she was told there was a media moratorium . No one was being allowed to interview or photograph Aesha . So instead , Ravitz brokered an arrangement in which she could write about Aesha by interviewing the volunteers who were working with her - - her English and math tutors ; the imam who taught her about Islam ; lawyers familiar with the asylum process ; her primary guardian at Women for Afghan Women , Esther Hyneman ; and others in the group 's Queens office . Ravitz also interviewed the organization 's executive director , who is based in Kabul , where Aesha lived in one of the group 's shelters for nine months . In November , Aesha was granted asylum . By then , she had also left Women for Afghan Women 's care . Ravitz approached Aesha 's new guardians in Frederick , Maryland , and they agreed to be interviewed . Jamila hears him and understands , " But my heart breaks for her , " she says , her hand on her husband 's . " She didn 't have any time to be a kid , Mati Jan . She didn 't have any time . She 's acting like a kid because she has a chance now . There 's nothing wrong with that . " Here , no matter her age , education or obstacles , she can dream . She can be a police officer who protects women . She can stand on her own . She 's nobody 's poster child here . She 's not a feel - good cause or a PR dream . She 's one human being , released from carrying the weight of others . A towheaded boy races by . He doesn 't notice the grown woman on the swing . He doesn 't see or care that her nose is missing . Since arriving in America less than two years ago , she 's lived in three cities . She 's been showcased like a star and protected like a fragile child . She 's been passed around by well - meaning strangers , embraced by a team of women . And she 's gone after a family of her own . Here , on this swing , Aesha doesn 't carry others ' expectations . She doesn 't need a fairy - tale ending . She can soar on her own . To contact the author of this piece , e - mail Jessica . Ravitz @ turner . com . This is CNN 's third Digital Magazine story . The others can be read here : CNN . com / Mauritania and CNN . com / Charles .
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Comment Without a knock , the office door flies open . She barges into the room , a perfumed tornado disrupting every conversation and worker in her path . Wearing skinny jeans , UGG knockoff boots and a pea coat , she carries the swagger of any self - absorbed American teen . Her long dark hair flows thick , smooth and enviable . Her makeup is impeccable - - barring one small flaw . It doesn 't perfectly match the shade of her prosthetic nose . Only because of her nose do I realize who this is : the Afghan woman whose disfigured face graced the August 9 , 2010 , cover of Time magazine . Her Taliban husband and in - laws punished her for running away by hacking off her nose and ears and leaving her for dead . She became a symbol of the oppression of women in her war - torn country . It 's January 2011 , and we 're in the humble Queens , New York , house that serves as the U . S . office for Women for Afghan Women , a grass - roots organization dedicated to protecting and empowering Afghan women and girls . Though the group mostly serves those in Afghanistan , including more than 4 , 000 who 've lived in its shelters there over the past decade , this small New York community center offers English , driving and citizenship classes to Afghan women and others from places such as Pakistan and India . It organizes field trips , brings in speakers , facilitates job placements . In sunny Southern California , she bounced between lavish homes in gated communities . She was trotted out at a pricey gala dinner in Beverly Hills , where she debuted her prosthetic nose , a preview of what the surgery would do for her . She walked the proverbial red carpet , met Laura Bush and was honored by California 's then - first lady , Maria Shriver . There is the 5 - year - old who was raped by two men before being thrown into a river . The woman forced to marry her husband 's killer , who then brutalized her , killed one of her children and made her wear a suicide vest . And , most recently , there is the case of Sahar Gul , the 14 - year - old girl who was found in a Baghlan province cellar after enduring months of torture and rape . Women for Afghan Women was founded in April 2001 . It operates seven shelters that have served more than 4 , 000 women and girls . The group has also trained more than 65 , 000 people in Afghanistan to understand and respect women 's rights . The rights and well - being of Afghan women collapsed when the Taliban took official control of the country in 1996 . The militant Islamic organization , which once harbored Osama bin Laden and shares close ties with the al Qaeda network , was officially ousted from power after the United States and its allies invaded in response to the September 11 , 2001 , terrorist attacks . But the Taliban still reign in large swaths of the country - - including the southern region where Aesha was born . But in the weeks that followed , the women in New York say , Aesha fought with families who took her in . She missed the women she 'd lived with in the Kabul shelter . She had episodes where she shook , went stiff and her eyes rolled back in her head . She bit herself , screamed and pulled out her hair . She had to be hospitalized . Doctors determined she wasn 't yet stable enough for the grueling reconstructive surgery . By November 2010 , the California foundation couldn 't care for her anymore . So Women for Afghan Women stepped in again . When she appeared on the cover of Time , the accompanying story explored what U . S . troop withdrawals from Afghanistan would mean for women there . The headline next to her mutilated face said , " What happens if we leave Afghanistan . " I wanted to focus on what happened after Aesha left Afghanistan - - the complicated , messy business of saving a life . When I approached Women for Afghan Women for this story , the organization would not allow me to interview Aesha , nor could CNN film or photograph her . So I decided to tell Aesha 's story through the people working with her . My chances to observe her sporadically in New York over the next eight months - - by far the most telling moments - - were pure happenstance . The organization 's decision to allow Time to photograph Aesha in 2010 was calculated and deliberate . The group wanted to influence the conversation about U . S . troop withdrawals , and Aesha was its best chance . She became the poster child for the 15 million Afghan women and girls it fears will be brought to their knees , again , if troops leave too soon and the Taliban regain control . The women who cared for Aesha said she didn 't need the added pressure . They acknowledged that putting her out there publicly served an initial purpose . But with all the challenges Aesha faced , they said , fame was a distraction . They rolled their eyes when noting how quickly she learned to love the spotlight , which she tasted in Kabul and gobbled up in California . Now , among her pastimes : She Googles herself . There 's no manual on how to help someone like Aesha . But Hyneman and the others who cared for her - - including her therapist , whom I would interview - - were employing every tool they could to help her heal and attain the skills she needed to navigate her new world . A year into that effort , though , the one thing they could not give Aesha would drive her from their grasp , and they would be left to make sense of her choice : Was it an impulsive decision made for the wrong reasons , a risk that might threaten her well - being ? Or a measure of success , an act of independence ? The second time I see Aesha in the Queens office , it 's early May 2011 . Women for Afghan Women has enlisted volunteers to teach her English and math . But she doesn 't seem as flawlessly put together . Her hair is disheveled , her makeup less perfect . She 's not wearing her prosthetic nose . I 'm typing away on my laptop when she spots me . She races to find paper , grabs a pen and hunches over a nearby desk . A minute later she bounds toward me , her smile wide , her eyes expectant . She thrusts out the paper with the command , " Look ! " At a small kitchen table in her ground - floor apartment , Aesha is tackling what her teacher calls CVC words - - consonant , vowel , consonant - - like cup , mop , hat . Colorful pictures , workbooks and writing papers are spread between them . On a counter nearby is Aesha 's pillbox ; it holds the meds meant to even out her erratic moods . Ariela Perlman , 26 , works with emotionally disturbed fifth - graders and is one of two volunteers teaching English and math to Aesha . The task is compounded by how sheltered Aesha 's life was . She was illiterate even in her native language , Pashto . For that reason and others , her teachers must customize her lessons . A typical alphabet book , for example , would feature an X for xylophone , something Aesha has never seen . So her book features photos of people Aesha knows or magazine cutouts of items she uses : K is for Kelly , who works in the Women for Afghan Women office ; P is for pen . She has had to learn far more than language . Aesha didn 't know there are days of the week . She 's had to learn not to litter , how to board a subway and use a laundromat . Born in a village in southern Afghanistan , Aesha was given away by her father to settle a family score . Her uncle had killed someone in a Taliban family , and she was offered up for marriage as payback . In other words , the crime committed by her uncle was paid for with her body . She 's said her in - laws beat her and forced her to sleep with the animals . When she ran away after several years , she was caught , tossed in prison for months and then retrieved by her father - in - law . The Taliban court , she said in a 2010 CNN interview in Kabul , ruled that she should be mutilated for dishonoring her husband 's family . Naheed Bahram , the group 's 31 - year - old program coordinator , recalls the time she suffered a migraine in the office . As Bahram clung to the toilet vomiting , Aesha swept up and held her hair , gave her water and gently massaged her head . That night , she phoned Bahram to check on her . Aesha 's other math and English teacher , Jessica Whitney , won 't allow cuddling but lets Aesha hold her hand or arm when they 're walking . She conducts most lessons at the office , but also thinks Aesha needs to be stimulated and get outside . She makes their outings into lessons in motion . She points at signs , quizzing Aesha on letters . She gestures toward a passing car or clothing in a window - - and asks her to name what they 're seeing . Though she 's pulled muscles in her back and legs pushing her " giant little girl " on a swing , she says she uses the time to make Aesha practice counting . Whitney , 26 , sees great potential in her student and an eagerness to learn . Aesha tells people she plans to go to college and become a police officer . She wants to protect women . Although her living expenses have been covered by a special fund set up for her by Women for Afghan Women , Aesha thinks the organization is withholding money . She 's a celebrity , Afghan community members tell her . She must be wealthy . That could not be further from the truth , Hyneman says . Never before had the New York office worried about one person 's 24 / 7 care . A year ago , Hyneman said the Aesha fund only had enough donations to last five more months . Grant money earmarked for programming , she said , could not be used to bankroll Aesha 's needs . Aesha flips through fashion magazines and emulates what she sees . She loves high heels , especially those cluttered with glitter , bows and fake jewels . A small collection lines a wall in her bedroom . Whitney has tried to talk to Aesha about practicality , about buying the sorts of shoes that will last . On one outing to replace a froufrou pair that had fallen apart , Aesha picked a toned - down version of what she usually likes , but still shiny , black and with some glitz . Whitney saw the price and knew there 'd be trouble . Whitney held up one shoe , said it was $ 20 . She held up the other , also $ 20 . Aesha insisted she 'd have both . Back and forth they went , until Aesha stormed out of the shop , fuming . In California , Aesha moved around , playing the role of guest in home after home . Here , Hyneman and the others want her to have her own home , one that doesn 't change . But they don 't want her to be alone , especially at night . So they 've hired someone to live with her . When her first roommate threw a party to help her meet people , Aesha kicked everyone out . When another took Aesha to a movie she didn 't like , she fled the theater . When a third refused to clean up after Aesha , she grew enraged . Hyneman says Women for Afghan Women just can 't pay people enough to stay . And even if the group was flush with cash , it might not be sufficient . One former roommate said she wouldn 't stick around for a million dollars . She screams " hi " and waves to strangers . The music of an ice cream truck sends her running . When she sees a swing set , she races to play . Struck by the contrast in her appearance from when I first saw her in January 2011 and then again that May , I ask the women who care for her : Why isn 't Aesha wearing her prosthetic nose ? Is it an indication of newfound confidence ? Maybe it 's a call for attention ? Or could it be a sign of turmoil , a psychological slip downward ? She often asks when she 'll have her surgery . She believes her life will start over after her face is restored . They can only tell her it 'll happen when she 's ready . In California , Aesha began to display what was later diagnosed as psychologically induced " faux seizures . " Between those and her tantrums , it became clear she wasn 't emotionally prepared for the reconstructive surgery . It will be a lengthy , painful and complicated process involving skin expanders in her forehead , deep cuts , as well as bone , cartilage and skin grafts . Hyneman says no one expected Aesha to regress the way she did after she arrived in the United States . In early 2011 , Hyneman witnessed a terrifying episode . Aesha threw herself down , banged her head on the floor , pulled her hair out in fistfuls and bit her fingers . No one could stop her . Hyneman called 911 . Aesha was hospitalized for 10 days . Her medications were evaluated and changed , and she turned a corner . A team of doctors , working pro bono , was assembled to care for Aesha . Hyneman says she also was seeing specialists who work with survivors of torture . No one at the Libertas Center for Human Rights at Elmhurst Hospital Center in Queens would talk about her case . A search for Pashto - speaking psychologists in New York will yield no results , Bakhchi says . That 's partly because mental health isn 't even a field of medicine where Aesha comes from . But the psychologist 's Farsi and Aesha 's Pashto work : " We understand each other perfectly . " Over breakfast on a Thursday near her office in Manhattan , Bakhchi describes Aesha as a highly intelligent young woman whose smarts don 't just show in her learning ; they come through in the way she manipulates others and pushes their buttons . She hurts people before they can hurt her . She lives in " survival mode . " Beyond post - traumatic stress disorder , Bakhchi says , Aesha has borderline personality disorder . Research is mixed as to whether a stressor such as Aesha 's brutal disfigurement can trigger a personality disorder , she explains , but she believes it can . There 's also a chance , though , that her disorder existed long before the attack . Environment and genetics are thought to predispose some people to borderline personality disorder . It is marked by instability in relationships , moods , behavior and sense of self , according to the National Institute of Mental Health . Though not as well understood as bipolar disorder or schizophrenia , the illness affects 2 % of adults , most of them young women . Twenty percent of hospitalizations in psychiatric facilities are tied to borderline personality disorder , but with time and help many sufferers can transform their lives . Bakhchi says the disorder is responsible for Aesha 's volatile behavior and black - and - white thinking . In Aesha 's worldview , a person in any single moment is either evil or an angel . Her moods swing impulsively . One minute she 's cuddled up on a lap , the next she 's screaming . " I really hope at some point she 'll be a functioning young lady that had a terrible trauma , " Bakhchi says . " I want it so badly for her . There are a lot of people who care about her . She couldn 't be in better hands . " Aesha sees in Yalda Afif many things she wants for herself . She was drawn to the young Afghan caseworker the day they met in the Women for Afghan Women office . Afif 's mother called , and Aesha snatched the phone to say hello . She 's come to know Afif 's family members in New York and treats them as her own . The two young women shop for beads in Manhattan so Aesha can make jewelry to sell in local salons . They 've run around Times Square and visited museums . Afif , 23 , wants to take Aesha on a ferry to the Statue of Liberty . They make heaps of food , throw dance parties with friends in Aesha 's apartment and sometimes agree in advance to dress up in traditional Punjabi clothes . They chat on the phone every night . Aesha , Afif says , has a giddy crush on an actor in one of the Indian dramas she watches . Through her example , Afif hopes Aesha understands that families can be loving . She wants Aesha to learn about respect , patience and modesty . She wants her to be proud of her native culture and her Muslim faith , to strive to be " a good Afghan girl . " But the two knew very different Afghanistans . Afif was born in Kabul , not a Taliban - controlled village , and had a father who insisted she go to school - - an impossibility for Aesha . Afif 's father pushed her to pursue her dreams and achieve what she deserves . Someday Afif would like to return to her country and open a women 's university . Though they spend a lot of time laughing together , Afif also listens to Aesha 's anxieties . Aesha worries about a younger half - sister who 's been promised to the same Taliban family . Afif fantasizes that the sister will one day join Aesha in New York . In late 2010 , Aesha 's father - in - law was arrested for his role in her mutilation . Authorities said he held Aesha at gunpoint and ordered five other men - - including her husband - - to cut her . The father - in - law was released last July , however , reportedly because he didn 't do the cutting himself and because Aesha is no longer around to pursue the case . Afif wants Aesha to share her faith in America . They can walk around freely without being questioned . They 're so lucky to be Afghan women living here . When I last visited Queens , I arrived on May 2 , 2011 - - just days after Aesha kicked out her latest roommate . This sudden turn of events , and the quandary it presented , pushed Esther Hyneman over the edge . She launched what became an epic blowout . " No , it 's fuck you ! Fuck you ! " she yelled back . " Repeat after me : Fuck , fuck , fuck ! If you 're going to say it , you need to say it right ! " But it 's two days after the argument , and Aesha isn 't laughing . She 's holed up in her apartment , moping . Hyneman asks Afif to come with us to see Aesha , to translate . The women are worried that she 's still reeling from the fight . They 've also got big news to share . Aesha opens the door wearing wine - colored and embroidered Punjabi clothes . She turns back toward the living room and drops onto her dark brown sofa . On a laptop beside her , one of her favorite YouTube music videos - - " Naghma Pashto Lovely Nice Song " - - is queued up for play . It 's early afternoon , and she looks like she just woke up . Her hair hasn 't been brushed . A space heater on the large Afghan carpet blows on her , and she wipes the place where her nose once was . Aesha takes her hand from Afif , bows her head and starts rubbing her temples . She says she has a headache . Afif reaches out , smoothes Aesha 's hair and rubs her back . We leave the apartment just before she starts watching TV . When Hyneman and I return hours later , Aesha is with one of her teachers . She has changed into a white silk blouse and black jeans . Her hair is brushed , and her eye makeup is painted on thick . She may not have read books or articles that detail how the terrorist leader gained power and found allies in her home country . She never attended classes that explain why the Taliban secured a foothold and derailed a future that could have been hers . Aesha 's understanding is simple : A " crazy " man , one ideologically connected to those who hurt her , is gone . And for that she 's glad . Activists , donors and dignitaries mill about in exquisite attire , sipping wine and tasting hors d ' oeuvres . They place bids in a silent auction , admiring hand - crafted jewelry , scarves , an Afghan rug . A large gift basket has been provided by the Long Island plastic surgeon who hopes to start Aesha 's surgical process soon . Next to musicians playing traditional rabab music is a large original print of the Time photograph of Aesha . Donated by the photographer , the image has a minimum opening bid of $ 5 , 000 . Proceeds are intended to benefit Aesha 's special fund . No one was sure whether Aesha would show up at this elegant October affair to celebrate 10 years of Women for Afghan Women . Hyneman and the others knew they couldn 't tell her what to do . If they encouraged her to come , she 'd refuse . If they suggested she stay home , she 'd insist on being there . And in reality , they just didn 't care ; it wasn 't about her . But convincing her of this was impossible . She 'd thrown a tantrum earlier in the day , the women told me , saying she refused to be exploited and would not go . Last time she went to a gala , in California a year earlier , she was the featured star . This night is about making the once powerless powerful . It is about bolstering the mission to give Afghan women and girls the tools they need . There are success stories , standing ovations - - and not one mention of Aesha . I have not seen Aesha since the day she learned about bin Laden 's death . A lot has happened since then . In addition to her private tutoring , she is now attending English as a second language classes with other Afghan women four times a week - - though sometimes she gets sent home for laughing at people 's mistakes . Her outbursts are more sporadic and short - lived . Her black - and - white thinking has grown less pronounced . They are starting to wean her from her medications . " When she first came to us , she was an emotional wreck . By the time she left , she was a different human being . … So we 're all happy if she 's in the right place … but we miss her . " While she 's progressed since I last saw her , in some ways not much has changed . Her political asylum application , filed in early summer , remains in limbo . And the Aesha fund , which no longer draws attention , is drying up . Aesha passes the lip gloss back to Perlman . The two have moved beyond a strictly student - teacher relationship in recent months . In August , Aesha got news that an older cousin of hers had been killed . He had helped bring her to safety after she was brutalized , and she looked up to him . His death , which she learned about from her cousin 's wife , made Aesha long for family in new ways , Perlman says . She doesn 't go entirely unnoticed . A banquet server approaches , wanting to shake her hand . And when she walks across the room to hug her therapist , some stare and nudge their neighbors , not fooled by the prosthetic nose . On the stage , women speak about how change for Afghan women and girls cannot happen overnight . They wonder if expectations have been too high . A videographer standing behind me captures the discussion . Aesha , whose famous image will go unsold and be returned to the photographer , spots the videographer and gasps . She thinks she 's being filmed . She puts her hand up in protest and complains to Perlman . She 'd spent the bulk of that morning and afternoon with Aesha at Elmhurst hospital . Aesha was treated for an ear infection , and then Hyneman accompanied her to appointments at the center that works with torture victims . She dropped Aesha off at her apartment around 4 p . m . This , they all assumed , was simply one of Aesha 's games . She had a funny habit of making out - of - nowhere pronouncements in jest . " I 'm going to Afghanistan now , " she 'd sometimes say . Or , as she walked out of the office , " I 'm going to California . Bye ! " Aesha 's teachers , Jessica Whitney and Ariela Perlman , couldn 't wait to take her the next evening to Manhattan , where they 'd watch the blowing up of the Macy 's Thanksgiving Day Parade balloons . The next week she had another appointment with the plastic surgeon . There was a ticket for her to see her first Broadway show , " The Lion King . " Hyneman learned she was with a couple she had met during a weeklong summer getaway . They were relatives of Fahima Vorgetts , a former board member of Women for Afghan Women and head of the Afghan Women 's Fund , who had hosted Aesha at her home in West Virginia . She 'd welcomed Aesha as a favor to Hyneman , whom she 'd known for a decade and who thought Aesha needed a break from Queens . When Hyneman and the others learned Aesha was gone , they thought she would return after the long Thanksgiving weekend . Even the couple thought she was with them just for a visit . Aesha , however , had her own idea . She planned to stay . Hyneman was initially crushed . For more than a year , she 'd dropped everything for Aesha . She hadn 't traveled to Afghanistan as she usually does . And during rough patches , she 'd slept in the Women for Afghan Women office so she could be closer to Aesha . Still , she doesn 't judge her for anything she 's done . " I was personally really attached to her . She called me grandma . That was irresistible to me , " says Hyneman , who has no children of her own . " When she first came to us , she was an emotional wreck . By the time she left , she was a different human being . … So we 're all happy if she 's in the right place to further her development , but we miss her . " Others in the office were confused by what had happened and wondered if they 'd known Aesha - - and her needs - - at all . There was plenty of concern about whom she was with , what their intentions might be and how deep the support network would be once the honeymoon phase passed . Some confessed feelings of relief , as the journey with Aesha had become all consuming . Now they could focus on the hundreds of other Afghan women they serve from their Queens office . " At least you can say bye to someone ! " she remembers telling Aesha the first time she called from her new home . " Everything we could do for her , we did . … And it seems she never had any kind of love or respect for us . " " We were picked by the situation , not by Aesha , " Whitney says . She hadn 't had " that organic feeling of participating in picking a relationship . … Family is one of her favorite things to talk about . … We couldn 't simulate the family she needed and wanted . " I barely sleep the night before I see her next . It 's late January , almost a year to the date after Aesha surprised me by barging into the Queens office . I 'm in Maryland , on my way to her new and chosen home . For the first time , I 'll be able to speak to her . But also for the first time , I 'll meet her adopted family . I 've talked my way inside but don 't know how long they 'll let me stay . On the drive to Frederick , about an hour northwest of Washington , I wonder what sort of Aesha I 'll see . Will she be as eager as I am to finally talk ? Or will she see me as a remnant of a past she wants to escape ? Most of all , I want to know : Is she happy ? Mati Arsala and Jamila Rasouli - Arsala welcome me into their modest but well - kept town home , which sits in a sleepy subdivision of tract homes and apartments . Aesha is barefoot and in jeans . Her makeup , no surprise , is perfect . And she 's without her prosthetic nose . She 's more relaxed than I 've ever seen her . With a warm smile , she plays hostess , serving tea she brings from the kitchen . She curls her feet beneath her on the couch , where she prefers to sleep instead of her bed . Aesha saw what she wanted . Back in New York , she launched her phone campaign . Every other night , in the middle of the night , she called Jamila . She griped about her life in New York . She told Jamila she wasn 't being taught English or getting the surgery she wanted . She said she was lonely and wanted to live with them . And as the months wore on , Jamila and Mati understood that they could offer something no organization could . Aesha sets the table while the woman she sometimes calls mother , sometimes aunt , prepares a traditional Afghan feast featuring heaping platters of rice , lamb and chicken kebab . She shows me her bedroom downstairs , which she uses more like a walk - in closet . In the first weeks after her arrival , in the wee hours , she 'd pad upstairs from the couch where she slept to wake Jamila and Mati - - complaining of nightmares and headaches . Now she busies herself , while others sleep , glued to her computer . The couple married six years ago ; it is the second marriage for both . Mati , who says he 's " around 60 , " has two kids who are grown ; 46 - year - old Jamila has a daughter who lives with them . Miena , 14 , is an honors student , an athlete and as dependent on her iPhone and Facebook account as she is oxygen . Mati and Jamila had talked about adopting a young child from Haiti or foster care , but now they have Aesha . As their 22 - year - old unwraps a lollipop , they tell her to wait till after dinner . With a grin and a defiant " no , " she shoves it into her mouth . They roll their eyes , and we chat about her stubbornness . She understands everything we 're saying and laughs . In spite of the language barrier , she tries to swap memories with me . Remember the time you came when Osama bin Laden was killed ? Did you like the gala ? Remember how I told Esther " Puck you " ? She wears a ring she says her Afghan friend , Yalda Afif , gave her , but she says she doesn 't miss New York . Sometimes she misses some of the people . She says she 's happy here . At the dinner table , she bends over a piece of paper and begins writing : " My name is Aesha Mohammadzai . " This is her legal name . Earlier , it 'd been spelled Aisha . She writes it confidently and proudly , lower case letters and all . It 's the name that appears on the Social Security card she received soon after she was granted asylum in the United States . Mati says Aesha now receives about $ 280 a month in benefits . Mati and Jamila discuss politics . Jamila , who moved from Germany when she married Mati , loves President Barack Obama and practiced English listening to his speeches . Mati , who 's been in the United States since 1971 , is a dedicated Republican . Aesha pipes in with her preference . Minutes later , I catch her staring at my face . She mutters something in Pashto , and the couple translate for me . Her original nose , she has told them , looked just like mine . Pen to paper , she writes again . " Thank you Jessaie . " They ask me to spell my name correctly for her and she continues . " I love Jessica Jan , " she writes , adding a term of endearment to my name , before crossing out " I love . " On the YouTube page she has up , she begins playing videos . Her playlist isn 't just autobiographical . It includes stories about other girls who 've been gang - raped or mutilated like her : " Afghan Women 's Nose & Ears Cut off by her Husband , " " Pakistan : Fazeelat Bibi 's nose and ears cut off " and " 12 y old girl in Afghanistan victim of violence by husband . " She has watched one so many times she mimics the journalist 's words . Plenty more document her celebrated arrival in America . ABC News ' Diane Sawyer honors her smile and new beginning with " Bibi Aisha Unveils New Nose . " She 's on display with Maria Shriver , cameras flashing , and wearing the prosthetic nose she no longer uses in " New look for Afghan attack woman . " She pulls strands of vibrant beads from a plastic bin . She learned to make jewelry during the months she spent in prison in Afghanistan for running away - - before her father - in - law retrieved her and made her pay an even more brutal price for her so - called crime . It was also in prison that she learned to chew tobacco , a habit her doctors say she must kick before she can have surgery . She insists she has . " My heart breaks for her . She didn 't have any time to be a kid . … She 's acting like a kid because she has a chance now . There 's nothing wrong with that . " Beyond occasional meetings with the doctors and her four - hour ESL class on Saturday mornings , Aesha doesn 't have a lot to do to keep her busy . Mati , a civil engineer , and Jamila , an OB - GYN in Germany who must complete a residency program in the United States but is now doing pathology research , are away at work . And Miena is in school all day , followed by track practice , plans with friends and homework . I ask Aesha if she 's bored . She doesn 't seem to understand the question . I ask if she 's made friends . " My friend computer , " she says . For months now , Aesha has been off her medications . She 's seen a psychologist three or four times . She can still hold a spotlight with her humor and stories . Then there was the time in New York when a man followed her . As she walked faster , so did he . She was terrified . But then she looked back , and he got spooked . One look at her prosthetic - free face and he ran away . These are the light Aesha moments . But Mati and Jamila have come to know the dark ones , too . The days when they struggle to get her out of bed . The times when anger or sadness washes over her . The moments when she 's incapable of showing gratitude . " She 's a trauma patient , " Jamila says . " If you want to help , you have to have a very thick skin . … There 's no room in her heart for appreciation . " They knew there would be challenges . But they couldn 't turn her away . Mati worries about how and when she 'll ever be able to support herself . They say she wants her own apartment , and they 'd like her to have it . Their job is to make sure her needs are met . To that end , they hope to establish a trust fund for her soon . When she arrived in November , they say , she wore sandals and a thin coat that was too small . She said this was all she had . She told them she only received $ 25 a week for food . They say she couldn 't count to 10 . I remember the pea coat and UGG knockoff boots she wore the first time I saw her . I watched her , a year ago , learning math . I know her food was paid for by Women for Afghan Women . I ask Aesha about the closet full of clothes in her Queens apartment and the collection of shoes that lined her bedroom wall . All of those things belonged to her roommate , she says . I must look dubious because she adds something in Pashto : " This is the truth . " But Mati is done coddling her and wishes his wife would let Aesha do more for herself . To grow , to become independent , she needs to have boundaries , accept responsibility and not get her breakfast prepared for her every day , he says . If they treat her like a child , he continues , she 'll stay a child . CNN 's Jessica Ravitz first encountered the subject of this story , Aesha Mohammadzai , in January 2011 in the Queens , New York , offices of Women for Afghan Women . Aesha had arrived in America in August 2010 , with the promise of receiving reconstructive surgery in California . But when it was determined she was not yet stable enough for the surgery , Women for Afghan Women assumed responsibility and moved her across the country to New York . When Ravitz asked to document Aesha 's journey , she was told there was a media moratorium . No one was being allowed to interview or photograph Aesha . So instead , Ravitz brokered an arrangement in which she could write about Aesha by interviewing the volunteers who were working with her - - her English and math tutors ; the imam who taught her about Islam ; lawyers familiar with the asylum process ; her primary guardian at Women for Afghan Women , Esther Hyneman ; and others in the group 's Queens office . Ravitz also interviewed the organization 's executive director , who is based in Kabul , where Aesha lived in one of the group 's shelters for nine months . In November , Aesha was granted asylum . By then , she had also left Women for Afghan Women 's care . Ravitz approached Aesha 's new guardians in Frederick , Maryland , and they agreed to be interviewed . Jamila hears him and understands , " But my heart breaks for her , " she says , her hand on her husband 's . " She didn 't have any time to be a kid , Mati Jan . She didn 't have any time . She 's acting like a kid because she has a chance now . There 's nothing wrong with that . " Here , no matter her age , education or obstacles , she can dream . She can be a police officer who protects women . She can stand on her own . She 's nobody 's poster child here . She 's not a feel - good cause or a PR dream . She 's one human being , released from carrying the weight of others . A towheaded boy races by . He doesn 't notice the grown woman on the swing . He doesn 't see or care that her nose is missing . Since arriving in America less than two years ago , she 's lived in three cities . She 's been showcased like a star and protected like a fragile child . She 's been passed around by well - meaning strangers , embraced by a team of women . And she 's gone after a family of her own . Here , on this swing , Aesha doesn 't carry others ' expectations . She doesn 't need a fairy - tale ending . She can soar on her own . To contact the author of this piece , e - mail Jessica . Ravitz @ turner . com . This is CNN 's third Digital Magazine story . The others can be read here : CNN . com / Mauritania and CNN . com / Charles .
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Dadurian 's primary duty - until now - had been to manage Sarkis 's heroin operation . The heroin was grown and processed in Lebanon , bricked and wrapped , then coated in tar . After that it was vacuum sealed in plastic , and finally concealed in something that would mask the smell - typically smoked sausages , jars of mint jelly , or crates of coffee . Dadurian 's Armenian ancestry had been a cannonball tied to his neck . The Lebanese power brokers he worked for had never fully trusted him because , as an Armenian Apostolic , he did not share their Maronite faith . Furthermore , because the Armenians dominated the heroin export industry in Lebanon , it was assumed that Emil would not object to getting his hands dirty . And the job paid well . Sarkis had grown outrageously rich on heroin profits , and Emil made a tidy sum by skimming off the top . That money supported his entire extended family in Lebanon . So he did not complain . On occasion he 'd had to kill competitors who tried to infringe on his territory . It didn 't bother him . He 'd been a militiaman in the Lebanese civil war , and after the war had worked in military intelligence . He 'd killed many times . Everyone he 'd killed had deserved it . This was different . The mission was to follow this courier , observe him , and assassinate him at an opportune time . Emil had never killed a civilian before , and the idea did not sit well . Nevertheless , he would do the job . Perhaps it was an indication that Sarkis was beginning to trust him . Perhaps this signaled Emil 's long overdue rise in the ruling party . Now , watching the bizarre scene in the alley , he saw an opportunity . The courier had demolished two men and let another go , and was busy cleaning up the mess . The man was distracted and the alley was deserted , so there would be no witnesses . Hassan racked his brain . What would he do ? He couldn 't call the cops . The alley was crimson with blood , mostly from Blondie 's face . It looked like the scene of a massacre or a kidnapping , with one man bound and badly injured , and another unconscious . The police would be as likely to arrest Hassan as anyone else . Hassan needed help . He considered calling Layth . The brother had a car and would be down for anything , Hassan was sure . But he would require explanations , and Hassan didn 't want to get into all that . He didn 't want his friends to know his true history . He had a thought . He felt in his pocket and found Melanie Carter 's business card . He 'd only met her that day , but there was something genuine about her demeanor . And he had saved her life , after all . That should count for something . Peeling his gloves off , he fished his phone out of his thigh pocket and called her personal line . He wondered if she 'd be freaked out to hear from him . No doubt once the flush of his " heroic " rescue had passed , she 'd kicked herself ( with her good foot ) for giving her number to a lowly bike messenger . " Hassan ! I didn 't expect to hear from you so soon . I 'm just settling down for dinner and some wine at home . Would you like to join me ? " " Thank you , but no , " he said . " This is actually a business call . I have a situation here and I need an attorney . I want to hire you . " Funny , Hassan would have pegged her for a corporate attorney . Mergers and acquisitions , patent violations , that sort of thing . You never could tell about people . " I want you , " he insisted . " I can pay your retainer . And you owe me . Now are you my attorney , and is our conversation privileged ? " Hassan gave her instructions and hung up . As he spoke he kept an eye on Blondie . The hooligan 's arms were still tied behind his back , but he 'd managed to rise to one knee and was struggling to stand . Some people never learn , Hassan thought . Hassan put away the phone and slipped the gloves back on , returning his attention to the matter at hand . He shoved Blondie to the ground again , pinned him with a knee , and unlaced the man 's boots . He used one lace to tie the thug 's beefy ankles together securely , looping the lace multiple times . Then he used the other to tie Blondie 's ankles to his wrists . The thug was now hogtied , which suited him perfectly , Hassan thought . Hassan dragged him next to a dumpster that stood near the alley wall . Wiry Guy was still unconscious , but Hassan repeated the process with him , hog - tying him and dumping him next to Blondie , out of view of any pedestrians or vehicular traffic on 7th street . He turned to check on Wolf , and heard the sudden sound of a car engine and tires on wet pavement . He peered up the alley and was dismayed to see the black sedan approaching rapidly with its headlights off . There was nothing he could do . He could not run and leave Wolf here , injured . He had no weapon - Wiry Guy 's discarded knife lay a good twenty feet away against the wall , where Hassan had kicked it . He stood straight and waited to see what the driver would do . The black sedan came to a skidding halt and a short man in a dark suit stepped out . His wavy black hair , large nose and cashew - colored skin marked him as a native of the highlands of western Asia . Persian , Armenian , Azerbaijani … Armenian was a good bet , since they made up almost five percent of Lebanon 's population . He appeared to be fit and muscular beneath the suit . Most notably , he held an automatic pistol pointed over the front of the car , aimed directly at Hassan 's chest . A large silencer was screwed into the end of the gun like a parasite living off the weapon 's evil energy . Hassan decided to continue the act he 'd put on for Sarkis earlier . He raised his hands in surrender and said , " Dude , chill . I got some dinero in my wallet , you can have it all . " " Leba - who ? " Hassan said . " Man , these dudes was whalin ' on my homey , so I jumped in . I got lucky is all . " Hassan sighed mentally . The bluff had been worth a try . No doubt Sarkis had told this killer what to look for . As soon as he lifted his shirt it would be all over . He would have to make his move now , live or die . He was not afraid . Charged with adrenaline , focused as a laser beam , but not afraid . It didn 't matter what happened to him . He had no one in this world anyway . No wife would mourn him , and no child would pray for his soul . Except for Jamilah . Her presence in his life was something fresh , finally . He did not know if Jamilah would mourn for him or not , but he thought that yes , maybe she would . He remembered the dinner at Layth and Kadija 's house , and Jamilah saying , " It would matter to me ! " The memory steeled his resolve . There was an ayah from Surat an - Nahl , the Chapter of the Bee in the Quran , that had been running through his head lately : " Afaghayrullahi - tattaqun ? " Is it other than Allah that you fear ? Hassan knew he had only a second to make a move . The gunman stood on the other side of the parked car 's front end . It would be extremely difficult to get to him without being shot . Hassan needed an edge . He studied the gunman , noting his thick eyebrows and swarthy complexion . There was one last ploy he could try . " Are you Armenian ? " Hassan asked . " Do you know what Sarkis Haddad used to say about Armenians in Lebanon ? That they were foreign trash who were good only for being prostitutes and moving dope . I once had to physically restrain him from raping an Armenian teenage girl at a checkpoint . That 's the scum you work for . " The words were true enough , but Hassan didn 't care what the gunman might say in response . All he wanted to do was disrupt the man 's thinking and slow his reflexes . Hassan was gathering his energy , focusing it into his legs . He was the sharpest blade ever made . He was the whistle of steel as it cut the air . No emotion , only movement . " Tell me - " the gunman began , but Hassan did not hear the rest . He burst into motion , sprinting forward and ducking to keep the front of the car between himself and the gunman . He heard a sound like a loud burp and felt a sting on his forearm . He reached the car and without a pause dived forward , rolling over the hood and directly at the Armenian . He came out of the roll and felt searing pain burn his cheek . At the same moment his extended foot struck the Armenian square in the face and the man dropped to the ground with a cry . The gun clattered to the ground . Hassan stepped over the fallen gunman , picked up the weapon and turned just in time to see the man charging , his arms outstretched . Hassan ducked and weaved outside the charge , then whipped the hard steel of the silencer across the attacker 's temple . The Armenian dropped like a cadaver , unconscious . " I 'm okay , " said Hassan . " Hang in there . " The driver 's side door of the black sedan stood open . Hassan the car and glove box but found nothing . No registration or papers of any kind . He pulled the lever to pop the trunk , which he found to be empty and clean . Hassan grasped the Armenian 's chin and tilted his head back , opening his airway wider . With his other hand he gripped the man 's ear and pinched hard . The man 's eyes flew open and he shook his head from side to side . Hassan released him and spoke in a soothing tone . " I have a message for your boss . Tell him that I came to the consulate by coincidence . I was making a delivery , nothing more . I 'm not looking for revenge . I have no interest in Lebanon or anything happening there . Your secrets are your own . Leave me alone and I 'll leave you alone . It 's that simple . " " Will you pass on the message ? " Hassan demanded . " If not then I might as well kill you now . " He lifted the gun and pressed the barrel of the silencer against the Armenian 's chest . It was a bluff , but the Armenian could not know that . " It wouldn 't matter , " the Armenian said softly , breaking his stony silence . " They 're sending the Crow . You 're a walking corpse . " Hassan was confounded . What was he talking about ? Jamilah ? Did they know about Jamilah ? He felt the blood rush to his face as a sense of panic almost overtook him . Hassan stared at the man . The feeling of panic ebbed . He couldn 't understand why the man wanted to hear this story , but if it would get him to talk it was worth it . " During the war , " Hassan said . " A brother and sister . Like I said , Sarkis hated Armenians . He often robbed them at checkpoints . He told his men to restrain the boy , and he dragged the girl into a bombed out building . I was naive . I thought he was going to steal her money then release her . One of the men , an older corporal I respected , nodded for me to follow Sarkis . Much later I understood why . I was the only one in a position to exercise any authority over Sarkis . I found him on top of the girl , slapping her and trying to get her pants down . I pulled him off , we fought , and I bloodied his nose . Why are you asking about this ? " Frustrated by this fruitless line of questioning , Hassan held the gun to the Armenian 's ear . He put as much intensity as he could muster into his voice , trying to frighten the man . " You 're playing games . When is the Crow coming ? Give me something useful or die . " The Armenian was motionless . His face was lost in darkness , impossible to read . " There are things worse than death , " he said finally . " If you oppose him , he will kill everyone you love to get to you . He will commit abominations . They say he severs his victims ' vocal chords to silence their screams , and plucks their eyes out before they die . That is all I know . " What garbage ! The man was feeding him fairy tales . Was he expected to believe this nonsense about evil uber - assassins ? Fed up , he reached for the trunk lid to slam it shut . " Wait ! " the Armenian exclaimed . " Let me go . I give you my word I won 't harm you . There is one more thing I remember . They say the Crow cannot be shot . He dodges bullets . " Hassan stared at the Armenian . He dodges bullets . The words brought back a memory of another man from another time . An assassin who could dodge bullets . Could it possibly be him ? No . That man would be sixty years old by now , if he was even alive . And he had never plucked out anyone 's eyes , at least not that Hassan had heard of . But was it possible that these men belonged to the same organization , or had the same training ? Hassan felt his way up Wolf 's leg , squeezing gently until his friend groaned in pain . He gently rolled up the pants leg and observed . There was no bruising or swelling , and the skin was not broken . A fracture , most likely . He went to Wolf 's shopping cart , tipped on its side a few feet away . Various plastic bags and used clothing items had spilled out and lay like litter on the wet ground . Wolf nodded at a discarded bag . " Just gimme the Old Navy bag . That 's got my papers . Rest is just clothes . I can get new stuff from the mission folks . " He heard the sound of a car engine purring and glanced up the alley . A beautiful white Jaguar convertible approached slowly , edged past the black sedan , and stopped . Melanie . Hassan stood and waved . Melanie exited the car and gaped at the sight of the two bound and bloody men laid like trash next to the dumpster . When she walked around the front of the car Hassan saw that she was still limping . She was impeccably dressed as usual , and looked as out of place in this alley as a gazelle on the moon . " Relax , Melanie . They 're alive , and it was self - defense . They tried to kill this man here and I intervened . " Hassan nodded at Wolf , who waved cheerfully . He became aware of the sensation of warm liquid running down his face and neck and touched his cheek . His hand came away crimson with blood . His motion drew Melanie 's attention and she exclaimed , " Oh , you 're hurt ! " I 'd better not tell her about the man in the trunk , or she 'll really freak out . His left forearm was throbbing with pain and he remembered the sting he 'd felt when rolling over the car . He realized he 'd been shot twice . He was very , very lucky . Not lucky , he corrected himself . Alhamdulillah . " I 'm going to call an ambulance , " he said . He fished in Blondie 's pockets until he found a cell phone . He didn 't want the call being traced to him . With his gloves still on , he dialed 911 . " Stevenson alley , halfway between 7th and 8th . Two injured men beside a dumpster . " Hassan hung up and turned to Melanie , speaking to her in a soothing tone , wanting her to stay calm . " All you have to do is take my friend here to the hospital and drop him off . Keep my name out of it please . " Hassan gave her a thumbs up . " I 'll drop by your office soon and pay your fee , alright ? Now let 's split before the cops arrive . " He looped an arm around Wolf 's back and helped him to one foot , then steadied him as he hopped to the Jaguar . The homeless man 's body smelled of sweat and cigarette smoke , but there was no offensive odor . He kept himself clean somehow , even living on the streets as he did . That was impressive . Hassan opened the door and helped him into the passenger seat . The beaten man winced again as Hassan eased his broken leg into the car . He looked so out of place in the gleaming Jaguar that Hassan had to smile . " You in some major trouble , seems to me , " Wolf said . " But you saved my sorry ass fo ' sho ' . Let me get my leg fixed and I ' ma roll witchu , no matta what . " " Call me if you need anything , " he said . " Billing problems at the hospital , a ride , whatever . " He shut the car door and Melanie took off up the alley , exiting the scene quite a bit faster than she had entered . Hassan went to Blondie and felt in his pockets until he found a wallet . The bound thug glared through a face covered in blood , and mouthed muffled curses through the sock in his mouth . Still wearing the gloves , Hassan removed the man 's driver 's license . " Bryan Blackburn , " he read . " Funny name for a white supremacist , yeah ? 2939 Ulloa Street , San Francisco . What ? Not enough homeless people to beat on in your own neighborhood ? Listen , Bryan . I know your name now , but you don 't know mine . I know where you live and where you sleep . This is a wash , you understand ? You could get twenty years for attempted murder based on what you did here . Instead you get your face stitched up and you go home with a bad - ass scar to show your Nazi friends . You come looking for me or my friend , I will hurt you so bad it will make tonight seem like a birthday party . I 'll break both your arms and both your legs and you 'll never walk right again . " Hassan meant it this time . He 'd never had any patience for bullies . Sarkis too had been a vicious bully who used war as an excuse to hurt others . It enraged Hassan , and he let Blondie see the fury in his eyes , until the thug 's muffled curses ceased and the man looked away . He turned and studied the black sedan . The Armenian was silent in the trunk , awaiting his fate like a warrior . From a purely tactical perspective , Hassan knew he should kill the diplomat / gunman , rather than allow him to report his findings to Sarkis . If he let him go , he might have to face him in battle again tomorrow . The smart move would be to drive the sedan to the waterfront and dump it and the Armenian in the bay . Dead men tell no tales , he thought . Argh , matey ! He shook his head at his own ridiculous joke . There was no way he would kill the Armenian . Whatever else Hassan was , he had never been a cold - blooded murderer . Man laa yarham laa yurham , the Prophet had said . Whoever shows no mercy will be shown no mercy ( by God ) . And Hassan needed mercy , that was for sure . He walked away . Let the cops find the Armenian . It 's not like the diplomat would tell them anything . If there was a contract out on Hassan , the consulate would want no connection to themselves . He was not worried about the police . He 'd left no fingerprints . As for blood , it wouldn 't matter . It was unlikely that the SFPD would collect DNA samples . No one was dead here , so why bother ? These were not television CSI detectives . They were real - world cops with copious caseloads , limited staffs and budgets , and aging lab equipment . The chubby boy in the watchcap - the one Hassan had let go - would be frightened enough to keep his mouth shut . The Chinese busboys would likewise stay mum . Most of these restaurant workers were recent immigrants from police states . They avoided cops like the plague . As for Melanie , she was bound by attorney - client privilege . What would be Sarkis ' next move ? Would he back off ? And what about this Crow ? Was that genuine , or a ploy on the Armenian 's part ? A killer of women and children , the Armenian had said . A monster and mutilator . He will kill everyone you love . It sounded like fantasy , but Hassan had heard rumors of such gruesome and soulless men in Lebanon , once upon a time . He dodges bullets , the man had said . That would sound impossible to most , but Hassan knew better . Still , Hassan was willing to stifle the hatred and walk away . He would do that for the sake of the people he loved . If he could do that , then Sarkis should be willing as well . The consul had seen Hassan in action on the battlefield . If he had any intelligence he would walk away from this fight . 29 responses to " Kill the Courier | Part 4 - The Sharpest Blade Ever Made " Mushtaq says : March 5 , 2014 at 2 : 24 AM Subhana Allah … What an amazing piece of writing . The writing is captivating and fast paced , the story grows deeper and darker with each passing part , can 't wait for the next part . wael77 says : March 6 , 2014 at 10 : 12 PM Thank you for your comment , Jazak Allah khayr . I was actually thinking about writing a " Muslim detective " novel next . A Muslim P . I . , solving cases . Just a thought . As usual , it was amazing ! I 'm actually happy that Hassan walked away somewhat in one piece . Now he just needs to drop off the radar and go on the offensive looking the Partridge … why do I feel like the Armenian may be related to the girl Sarkis almost raped . Humaira Khan says : March 5 , 2014 at 11 : 56 AM Did I ever tell you before that you write better than a lot of ( formally ) published writers ? This story is kind of dark for me ; nevertheless it has a very compelling and gripping plot . Love the Quranic and Prophetic reminders especially . Also , Hasan is a very likeable protagonist . Wael Abdelgawad says : March 5 , 2014 at 12 : 13 PM Thank you , Humaira . I read your little vignette about the young man working for the supermarket . I liked it and wanted more . Humaira Khan says : March 5 , 2014 at 1 : 23 PM Thank you ! That was just an image in my head that I never built a story around . Perhaps someday . I 'm working on another story at the moment though . How can I get your critique on it without publishing the story on the web ? I 'd like it to be read with a critical eye when it 's done . Wael Abdelgawad says : March 6 , 2014 at 10 : 19 PM Work work work . Persistence persistence persistence . Think think think . That 's my side of it ! : - ) Sarah B . says : March 5 , 2014 at 1 : 58 PM Masha ' Allah ! This story just gets more intense with each part ! The writing truly is wonderful , masha ' Allah you have been blessed with a great talent . I do love how even when things get really intense for Hassan he never forgets Allah , he takes a step back and thinks about what he 's about to do and what Allah would have to say about it . Stories like this are real gems ! Next Wednesday can 't come soon enough ! Abu Asiyah says : March 5 , 2014 at 5 : 12 PM Masha ' Allah , this is really gripping . You really have the Hassan character down - feels like it 's coming from something personal . I didn 't fully buy your dialogue in the other stories , but Hassan 's voice is very realistic . You were also able to weave in his being Muslim without it being corny and / or sidelined . My favorite story so far our of you works - can 't wait for next week insha ' Allah ! kamarulaz6 says : March 5 , 2014 at 8 : 47 PM Superb stuff . But there ' room for more improvements , as with everything the insan creates . But still ' up there ' . More please . Sarah says : March 8 , 2014 at 4 : 46 PM Salam ! Quick comment - try making the Armenian 's speech more everyday , instead of the ' film noir ' sort of movie line of " I have no more to say . " I think that if the Armenian spoke about the Partridge more ' casually ' it would come off as more realistic . It 's good that these issues of real torture and abuse and undercover horrors of war are being shown up as they are - not things in movies , said in deep British voices by the narrator , but ugly , ugly doings by other humans . Heather says : March 9 , 2014 at 7 : 01 AM Got here accidently , but grateful to have discovered it . The pacing is perfect and it 's exciting , gripping . I like hearing the references to various parts of the city as well . I agree with Sarah about toning down the hard - boiled vernacular a little as it seems less sincere . Everything else about it feels so intimate . I 'm not Muslim , practically the opposite , but it 's totally appealing to me . Hope you stick with it . Wael Abdelgawad says : March 9 , 2014 at 3 : 03 PM Heather , I 'm so glad to hear it ! It 's been my hope that non - Muslim readers would read and enjoy the stories as well . And thanks for your input on the dialogue . Wael Abdelgawad says : April 3 , 2014 at 11 : 37 AM Salma , it has already been published , as well as two chapters of the succeeding story . I forgot to link to it , sorry ! Here it is : http : / / muslimmatters . org / 2014 / 03 / 12 / kill - the - courier - part - 5 - is - it - other - than - allah - that - you - fear /
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We live in a home that has a relatively old heat pump . When the temps get low at night and either very slowly warm during the day , or don 't warm up much as the day goes on , it makes for a somewhat chilly house . We have a couple of space heaters , one in the boys ' room and one that is either in the living space or our bedroom depending on time of day . The boys ' room is kept at 70 degrees over night and at nap time and they sleep on a fleece crib sheet in fleece pajamas . Each of the boys has a small lovely blanket they sleep with , but it is very small , nothing large enough to cover with . My question is , when did you start allowing your child to sleep with a blanket , something larger than a small lovie - something that could provide some warmth ? I 'm not sure I 'm ready - but I thought it might help to know what other mamas have done . We 've been talking a ton about adding to our family lately . Honestly , ever since the early days if parenting twins we 've been talking to the boys about the sibling ( s ) they 'll have someday . We 've always known . It 's never really been a question , even on the most difficult if days - - this mama 's heart is sure , there will be another - - at least one , maybe more . I received an email recently asking me about having twins and how and when we made the decision that we wanted more . I never answered the email because each time I started to type , the words sounded so silly to me , cliché and canned . So unhelpful to this person several states away that I don 't know . But here is what I should have said . . . . I knew when I was a little girl that I 'd be pregnant more than once . I never really idealized pregnancy as a child , I just imagined I 'd do it more than once . Hubs and I both grew up in families with three kids , we both always assumed we 'd likely have the same . Even through the countless fertility treatments , I still imagined doing it all more than once . When I got pregnant with twins I was ( am still am ) completely satisfied , but I still knew I 'd like another if it was possible . As I went through a very uneventful pregnancy with multiples , I knew I could and God willing , would do it again . When my boys were born screaming and peeing , and I watched as my husband became a daddy - I knew . When I held and kissed slimy babies who knew me from their first breath as their mama , I was sure . And , my feeling have only been affirmed since then - I hope and pray it 's all possible again . I am a mom through and through . All of that said , I know it isn 't the same for everyone . Some take a long time to realize something , or rather somebody , is missing from their family . One things I 've heard over and over from seasoned moms who are done having babies - you will know . There will be a moment of clarity . Sometimes its in the trenches of a tough situation - sometimes its when your family just feels so right and full in a perfect moment . I obviously can 't say if that is true or not , because I am not there yet . I hope that in just the same way I know I 'd like another , someday I 'll have a peace about being done as well . Posted by I think I 've mentioned before that we 've been looking - - if you can even call it that - - for a church . It 's hard with two babies , and we 've been making excuse after excuse about why we can 't make it work each week . Bottom line , our boys still nap twice a day - they NEED that morning nap and it happens at about 10am , give or take . So either we have super fussy babies in an unfamiliar church / nursery while we look for a church , or we don 't go . Generally we choose the latter . I 've been craving it though . Some connection , some spiritual grounding , especially during the holidays . Advent is such a time of waiting and expectation - it seems so fitting for me , an infertile , to find hope in these days leading up to Christmas . If you 're new to the party , I wrote this post a few years ago and it remains something I think about often . In an effort to get connected to advent I decided look for an advent devotional . I 'm only a few days in , and if you 're interested you 'd only need to catch up a few days , but so far it has been so good . After each day 's readings I think to myself - I need this today , right where I am , but gosh , how I NEEDED it a few years ago . It 's called ' The Greatest Gift ' unwrapping the full love story of Christmas - by Ann Voskamp . Not to worry , I 'm not getting compensated for this , I just felt like I should pass the info along to all of you , especially those of you in a waiting period . It 's good stuff . Posted by My day is filled with them : simple wins . The little things that make you smile , and make life just a little easier . Somedays it 's the boys going down for two naps quickly and easily , others it 's them saving the really stinky diapers until daddy gets home . Everyday they happen , everyday they make me smile . The most recent was after getting the idea from one of you to add pumpkin to the boys ' pancake mix . While I haven 't tried THAT yet , I did try adding some leftover squash and carrot purees to the mix and they loved it ! Yahoo , another way to eat veggies at breakfast ! How did I not think of that myself ? ! ? In addition to adding a veggie to the pancake batter , I also started adding diced up Canadian bacon to the pancake batter . I don 't live having to ' hide ' foods so they 'll eat them , but I am still so stinking happy I 've WON ! This morning they won because they got to have pancakes for breakfast , but I was the bigger winner because I got them to eat veggies and protein without a fight ! Oops ! I was so very close to missing the final day of my ' blog everyday for a month ' plan - talk about fail ! We just returned from a great weekend spent with family . We did some Black Friday shopping and hubs and I went out 4 different times to upgrade our phones , and finally today we were able to make it happen . We ate well , laughed a lot and really enjoyed watching our babies interact with our family ! Now it 's time to rest up for a marathon unpacking / grocery shopping / catch up day tomorrow ! Thanks for hanging in with me this month - hopefully this will give me the bug to be back in this space writing more often . Posted by Two years ago , on the day after Thanksgiving , just before I headed out with my family to do some black Friday shopping , hubs gave me my first stimulation injection to kick off the cycle in which we made our boys ! Though today isn 't the same ' date ' and isn 't exactly two years later . . . . the day after Thanksgiving will always be the day we started making the babies who made me a mama ! I 've always loved this day . Now , I just love it even more ! I hope you are all having a fantastic day and finding something to be thankful for on this day . Today I 'm thankful for two of the sweetest little one year olds in the world , and for the hope I was able to cling to two years ago on this day . Two years ago , I was one day away from starting stims for the cycle in which I conceived our boys . I am so grateful for the opportunity we had to pursue treatments and for the science and doctors that brought us our boys ! So , the other night Hubs and I were sitting watching the circus that is our living room in the evenings . As usual , we looked at each other , smiled and both said how much we loved our family and our boys . I saw the twinkle in his eye , and I knew what was coming . ' I wonder what it will be like to add another . ' He then proceeded to say - are you still planning to move forward in January . My eyes widened , and I stopped breathing . I 'm not sure how the wires got crossed , but I assured him we would be moving forward in A January . . . but not this one ! He laughed , reminded me I 'm almost 31 ( in 7 months ! ) and agreed that NEXT January really is a better plan in terms of the boys . I 'm not going to lie - I 'd be game to move forward in a few short weeks - I loved being pregnant and I adore the newborn phase , but I am not ready to have my boys be anywhere but the center of my universe . They need my undivided attention for at least one more year - - they are still babies ! I 'll be the first to admit we haven 't fully baby proofed our house . We 've set up blockades and moved furniture around , but we haven 't gotten totally serious about it because ' easy ' baby proofing was working - - mostly . Until today . I was laying on the couch icing my back - - which is still a little sore from the back issues I experienced a couple of weeks ago . The boys were in and out of the living room , back and forth to the playroom . It got pretty quiet and then came a ridiculous amount of laughter from both boys . I was as quiet as I could be as I inched around the corner into the playroom . One of the blockades we 'd used was an ottoman holding up a large pillow covering the bottom of a bookcase where we house some office supplies . A had gotten up on top of the ottoman before to press the printer button over and over and over , but that wasn 't what was happening today . Today BOTH of my children where standing up on a relatively small , slightly angled leather ottoman playing what can only be described at the baby version of king of the hill . I laughed first , just for a second - - then I saved their lives . Seriously , each day we don 't have to make a trip to the ER I count as a win ! I 'm still very skeptical we 'll make it to 2 without stitches or some other dramatic event . Boys will be boys I guess ! It is holiday travel season , and traveling with kids is HARD work ! While hard , it is totally doable with a little extra preparing . For us , making a list is key , and thinking of each part of our day while we are away is a big deal . I find that if we can keep up with our routine as much as possible it makes our days and more importantly nights , easier . Not to mention the transition back home again . So , here is a bit of our list for our boys at 15m . Lovies and lollies - - don 't cross my babies at bedtime . A portable highchair - - both homes we will be eating meals in has either one or two high chairs so our portable will supplement . TOYS ! One home has an insane amount of toys , the other has just a few , so we will take a good sized basket of favorites with us . Food . We 'll pick this up when we arrive , but it is so important to have things the boys will eat . When you 're away from home , so much is already different , food can be one thing that stays consistent . Obviously clothing and shoes . Any and all of the things that help your kiddo sleep . For us that means music and the firm little pillow H uses at night . Most importantly take your camera or phone and snap some pictures of family and friends loving on your babies ! Posted by I watched a movie a few days ago while I was laying around with a sore back . It was called ' Baby Dance ' and was , from my perspective , a pretty good movie . I 'm not an adoptive parent , and even though I read several adoption blogs - I haven 't lived it , and can 't speak too much to how it all works , or doesn 't work . What I DO know , is that when I watch a movie with an infertility theme , if it isn 't done just perfectly and doesn 't capture the emotion / heartache and speak about things in an inteligent manner I HATE the movie . So , keep that in mind if you decide to watch it . I think it showed a lot of the things people don 't talk about when it comes to adoption . Like all of the millions of feelings that go into making that choice in the first place , what you would do if the baby you were matched with ended up having some sort of issue , how you deal with the birth family , differing emotions from the waiting mother and father , etc . The movie was older and was probably set in the 80 's - ish and I really have no idea what adoptions were like back then . But , as I watched all I could think was , I don 't think I 'm strong enough to do that . It certainly isn 't the norm from the stories I 've read or heard from people I know , but my goodness , if that is how it once was , I can 't even imagine . So , here 's to you adoptive parents - - even though this was just a Hollywood glimpse for me into adoption I commend you for your strength when it comes to the choices you have made . Posted by I need more food ideas for the boys - I 'm going insane . I know there are tons of things I could be giving them , but I draw a complete blank when I 'm at the grocery store and end up buying all the same things . I do not want my kids to end up as those super picky eaters that eat a PBJ or grilled cheese for EVERY SINGLE MEAL ! As I said yesterday , H has learned to say uh - oh . It is generally accompanied with a very dramatic two hands over his mouth and worried eyes . It is hilarious . When he wakes up , Uh - oh . You get the idea . All day long . It is the sweetest thing ever , so I don 't mind hearing him say the same thing all day . I love these moments , and I feel insanely blessed to be home with them every single day ! We 're finally off formula . . . This week at fifteen months ! It took us awhile to make the tradition , but I think we 've finally done it . A didn 't love the switch and we ended up just going slow for both boys because it was easier to keep track of . The boys now have three sippy cups of milk per day - probably between 16 - 20oz of milk per day . In addition to milk , the will eat three decent sized meals per day and sometimes a couple of snacks . They love carbs and fruit and seem to be coming around to whole veggies , but mostly still would rather have them in purée or smoothie form . Speaking of smoothies - they are obsessed . It 's nice because we can get about a cup of fresh spinach in each one , which is great when they don 't love finger food veggies ! Meat has been really hard , and they don 't care for beans too much either . Most protein is coming from dairy products these days , but hopefully they 'll come around soon . Until then , we 'll just keep offering it . The boys have been somewhat slow to talk , but babble ALL . DAY . LONG ! H can now say hi , mama , dada , uh - oh , yay and we 've heard toddles more than once . For now , A us just saying mama , dada and yay . He generally does things about two weeks after H , so I think his language will perk up soon ! They are both loving playing with anything that has wheels . I think their current favorite us a green toys airplane they got as a birthday gift . It is constantly flying through our house accompanied with sound effects - cutest thing ever ! Sleep is getting better . More nights than not they sleep through - and our bed only has two adults in it - - WIN ! ! They still like music at bedtime and H now has a firm pillow in his bed because he has insanely small nostrils like his mama and with ANY congestion it is nearly impossible to breathe . He also gets saline spray before bed each night which he hates ! Our next major task is getting rid of the lollies . It 's not something we are going to take on until after the holiday / traveling season . But it 's coming , and I 'm hopeful it will be done , or at least even more limited by 18m . Right now they get them in their beds , in the car seat and stroller . H has 8 - 10 teeth . Wondering why I don 't know ? The kid 's mouth is on lock down if he isn 't eating - which makes brushing teeth a super fun few minutes . A has 10 , and seems like he may be working on another , or maybe a couple of those 10 aren 't completely through . . . The drool . Insane ! Our ' Tiny ' is no longer the smaller of the boys - he out weighs his brother now by 10 oz ! A weighs in at 24lbs 10oz ( 51 % ) and H at 24lbs even ( 42 % ) . H is still taller than A , by a whole 1 1 / 4 " . H measures 32 1 / 2 " ( 86 % ) and A was 31 1 / 4 " ( 54 % ) . Their heads are on the big side , which is just like both of our families - A 49cm ( 93 % ) and H 49 1 / 2 ( 96 % ) . A 's hair is still super blonde and his eyes are a very sweet blue color . He continues to look more like Hub 's family than mine , right down to his little booty . H 's hair is a bit more brown , and his eyes are floating over to the grey / green side instead if the blue they used to be . H looks a lot like my family and the trend continues for him right down to his lack of a booty ! I was recently talking with someone who is in the midst of infertility and on the brink of an IVF cycle . We were talking about the MANY things that go into it , and how much you really have to advocate for yourself , ask questions and become known by both your doctor and his or her nurses . I found it so very important to truly and deeply understand the process as well as the drugs . And I would encourage every single person to do the same . Yes , your doctors and nurses do this for a living and have the education and experience to back them up , but it us YOUR body , YOUR future . In just the few minutes we talked , we touched on so many aspects of this journey : Preparing your heart , mind , body and checking account for what is about to happen . Having a plan for number of embryos to transfer prior to the sometimes emotional morning of the transfer . Understanding your calendar and the drugs you will be taking . Making a decision about where your drugs will come from - domestic vs . international . The importance of cool socks . The amount the general public knows about infertility and the IVF process . The scary reality that even some of your IVF ( or any treatment for that matter ) peers know very little about what they are about to do . The fact that sometimes participating in medical studies doesn 't outweigh cost of treatment / sanity . Balancing hope with reality . Having a guarded heart while still experiencing pure joy . Gatorade . Tricks for injections . Well , I bit the bullet and gave the boys peanut butter yesterday at lunchtime . I held my breath , took a few pictures and watched for awhile hoping nobody would stop breathing or anything crazy . I am SO hopeful it can be something new to add to the lunch list - - something with protien to boot ! I only gave each of them two small squares of toast with peanut butter , and all seemed well . Unfortunately , A had a diaper rash by bedtime , which is really unlike him unless he eats something that bothers him , like squash when he was much younger . I 'm going to skip PB today and see if we can get the minor rash cleared up . Then , we 'll try again before going to the doctor for their fifteen month visit tomorrow afternoon . It 's freaking me out a little ! The boys are 15 months old , and we got the go ahead at 12m , but I 'm worried about it . Now , don 't get me wrong , I have no reason to worry . They boys don 't have a single food they can 't eat - there are a couple we think MAY have caused a slight diaper rash that we avoid , but in general nothing has been a problem . Neither hubs or I have any food allergies either . . . I think it 's time to bite the bullet ! I 've been watching the food network a lot the last few days while my back has been out . Today I heard this quote . . . Or close to it . . . . . . Do any of you do this ? I 've never heard anything like this ! Do any of you do this ? Or have any other weird traditions to entertain me with while I lay on the ice pack ? ! ? I 've realized something in the last few days . The reason the doctor prescribed me more pain meds after my Csection than I really needed was because they KNEW a mama of twins would undoubtedly hurt herself lugging around two little monsters all the time ! The back is much better after lots of ice and a few really good pain pills . . . Thank goodness , because this mama is back on duty Monday morning ! Back . I threw my back out . . . . Again . I did this same thing in July and it was bad . I was pretty much confined to my bed or ( outdoor ) lounge chair for a week or more . The difference is , then my husband was at his old more flexible job , my mom was able to come help me for days on end and my babies were not nearly as mobile or curious . So today , I 'm here , stuck in my bed while my mother - in - law takes care of my babies . It is pure torture to listen to their day happen and not be able to be a part of it . It 's killing me . Turning over responsibility of my children is not something I 'm good at . In fact , just listening to hubs do our whole nighttime routine without me last night nearly killed me . But , I need to heal . I need this time to lay and try to relax . It 's almost impossible , but I 'm trying . Hopefully , I 'll be good as new by Monday - that 's my goal . So , in the meantime , lots of rest ! H learned to climb up on the couch . He hasn 't fallen off yet , but I 'm sure its only a matter of time . Fruit flies . Seriously , tell me your secrets because I may go completely insane very , very soon . Forgetting about a load of laundry in the washing machine and having to re - wash it . When the UPS man rings the doorbell , during naptime . Waking up in the middle of a cool dream . Realizing after I just got perfectly comfortable in my bed that I forgot to do something . Babies with runny noses . Making a meal for H & A and both of them refusing to eat it . Looking outside the day following an afternoon spent raking leaves . Posted by Baby # 3 . . . This is not an announcement ! I 've said it before , and I 'll say it again , I feel 100 % crazy for thinking about baby # 3 as much as I do . Like for serious . I was talking with a group of women the other day , and was talking about the stack of totes sitting in our bedroom waiting to be put in the attic . There are six totes full of the first year of clothing that we are keeping . That , and a breast pump , a nursing pillow and a pile of clothing that needs to be sorted into the tubs or put in yet another . I joked that they 'd likely still be sitting there when we had another baby . It was a joke , but with how slowly those types of projects happen around here . . . It isn 't totally out if the question . Which , somehow thrills me . I have a very odd sense of hope about getting pregnant again . Don 't be fooled , I 'm not thinking it 's going to happen naturally , in fact , that probably will not be a possibility as I plan to stay on birth control until our FET . But I have a calm about it all , like its going to happen and I don 't need to worry about the ' what if ? ? ' I cannot tell you how happy I am about this . I didnt realize until I was pregnant just how depressed I was when we were trying to get pregnant the first time . I have no desire to go there again , and certainly no desire for my boys to see me at that type of low . I think we 've settled on a year from now - that 's when we 'll start really pursuing an FET and all that it entails . I 'm sure there will be tests that need to be updated and some other things that will need addressing . In the meantime , we will be enjoying everyday with our sweet boys and soaking in our time with the two of them . I 'll be working toward getting as healthy as possible in preparation for another complication free pregnancy . Posted by There are millions of things to do in a day . Big , small , important , unnecessary . You get the idea . Life with a baby , let alone twins , is hard work . There are diapers to change , meals to feed , nursing to do , bottles to wash , laundry , food scraps to sweep up , tummy time to supervise , sleepy babies to rock , dishes to do , meals to make . . . and those , for the most part are just the things on the must do list . Its hard and its rewarding . Its the best job I 've ever had , but it is also overwhelming ( especially at first ) and exhausting . I 'm not saying this to complain . Not even a little . I 'm saying this to explain : there is a lot to do BUT , its ok if you aren 't perfect . Because you are perfect in your baby 's eyes . You are their everything . And I promise , they will not notice if your sink is full of dishes or your bathroom needs a good scrub down , they likely wont notice if your hair is a wreck or if you didn 't brush your teeth this morning . It wasn 't until a few weeks into my new role as a mama of twins that I realized it . I can 't do it all . And further more , I don 't care . I am much more interested in being with my boys . Watching them learn to climb , discover new things , mimic things I model . Sure , I could get more done on my days at home , but I 've resigned myself to the fact that my house just isn 't going to be picture perfect anymore ( unless we are expecting company ) , at least not for a few more years . When I wake up in the night and nearly break my neck on some toy with wheels that was left in the hallway the night before , I thank God . I smile and pretty often my eyes get a little wet as I walk into the nursery to calm an upset baby . Because I have babies . Something I spent a long time wondering if I 'd ever say . Those babies , I love them to pieces . They 've taught me what is important . They taught me to hold on to the very few things that are important to me , and let the other stuff slide . Life , surprising as this may seem , is simpler now . We added two babies to our family and somehow , unexplainably so , I find life so much simpler and certainly sweeter . Posted by We 're going to an event this week where each of the boys will get to make a tile with their handprint . The only handprint thing we 've done is me tracing the outside of their hands . So , veteran paint hand printers . . . what is the trick ? IS there a trick , or are we destined to have two fist prints this year ? ! ? So , as I said a few days ago - I am trying to lose a bit of weight and get more healthy . In the quest for this , I 've found eating breakfast - and a relatively big one - really , really helps ! Most days I have one egg , two links of turkey sausage and a piece of double fiber wheat toast . It works for me . I feel pretty stinking full most of the morning because it has a good amount of protein . I 've found many other breakfast options with a similar number of calories but not as much protein leave me looking for a snack during naptime . While I 'm not opposed to a snack , often it isn 't something healthy that sounds good - - chocolate chips , anyone ? ! For lunch I rotate between a few options , but I haven 't found anything I really am set on yet . I 'm the kind of person who could easily eat the exact same thing for breakfast and lunch every single day if I like it . So , ideas welcome - I 'd love to find something I like and just eat it everyday , it would make my life so much easier ! As for dinners , this is where I like my variety , and its a good thing because hubs would not be pleased if I made him eat the same things over and over and over ! I generally try to leave a decent amount of calories for dinner because then we have more options , but we also are trying to get into a better habit of feeding the boys what we are eating so that means having yummy salads every night isn 't totally feasible for us right now . I need some healthy ideas that may also be somewhat kid friendly . . . . anyone ? ! ? In general I 'm steering clear of buying snack type foods and opting instead for apples , cheese and relatively healthy granola bars . My very favorite snack lately is stove popped popcorn made with coconut oil . It needs nothing more than some sea salt when it comes off the stove and we LOVE it . Hubs and I have recently started making a pot ( 1 / 4 of a cup un - popped to share ) a few nights a week after the boys have gone to bed . We share it while we catch up on DVR 'd shows or play a board game . It seems like a treat , even though it isn 't too bad for you , especially when consumed with a HUGE glass of ice water - - or two ! Some of the littlest moments of motherhood are the best ! This week I took the boys to the mall to wander and get out of the house on a rainy day . Since all of the children 's departments seem to be on the upper floors of stores , we took several elevator rides . H has always had kind of an uneasy face when we travel in an elevator , but this day was different . He thought it was hilarious to shout HIIIIIIIIIII when the doors would open . It was too funny . It is this simple little moments with my boys that I never want to forget ! It 's on . I 've let it slide for far too long - the postpartum weight has got to go . Notice , I did not call it baby weight , that 's because I lost all that . By about 4 - 6 weeks postpartum I 'd lost all 40lbs I gained during my twin pregnancy , then in the coming weeks after starting the mini pill , seeing a decrease in my milk supply , and losing all my daytime help . . . I gained about 25lbs back . Yuck ! That was not part of my plan . Not at all . And let me tell you , it is hard work to lose that weight with two tiny babies at home and not a lot of time to worry about what it is you 're eating ! So , the time is now . I 'm starting to think about my next pregnancy ( even if its a year or more off ) and what I want for my body before my new little bean is growing in there . I want to start that pregnancy at a significantly lower weight , I want my body to be more fit and healthy - I want to prepare myself for the biggest gift ever - pregnancy , birth and the blessing of patenting another little human : ) I 'm trying to be more active with the boys on days we are at home . Dance parties , lots of ' I 'm gunna get you games ' , making more trips that I need to with laundry and toys to put away . On days we go out I try to go places where we can do a good bit of walking . Then there is diet . At the moment I 'm just using my fitness pal to track calories without paying too much attention to WHAT those calories are . I figure once I get into a good rhythm of recording and tracking I 'll take on one meal at a time and try to make most of the calories - - though really , I think I already have breakfast and lunch pretty figured out . I just need to come up with more healthy dinner ideas and fight the urge to have hubs pick up dinner on his way home one those long busy days - - which are plentiful ! I 've already lost 10 of those 25 postpartum pounds and I am REALLY looking forward to getting the rest OFF . . . for good ! If I can keep up with what I 've started , I 'm projecting being back ( again ! ) at my pre - pregnancy weight by sometime in January ! And then , I the work continues - - until we 're ready to transfer , I 'll be working on getting myself as healthy as possible in preparation of hopefully carrying another easy , drama free pregnancy ! There is big news on that front - our insurance requires no referral , or registering for infertility services . Our previous insurance required both a referral to an RE and we had to register as infertile with a specific branch of the company . At which time they asked and recorded all that we 'd tried and we were cleared to see an RE . This is not the case with our new insurance . So , I am able to stay on birth control right up until we are ready to jump back in . I am so glad it is working our this way for us . I was really worried about what my body would do without birth control . I 'm not convinced met . formin would make me cycle regularly and I cannot imagine taking progesterone every couple of months with two one year olds at home - that stuff makes me SO TIRED ! So , now we don 't really have to plan ahead . When we 're ready , we make the appointment , and its GO TIME ! If we keep with our current plan , that will be in about a year - crazy - and really exciting ! So , I had an appointment with my OB the other day for just the usual annual exam . We got to talking about birth control , future pregnancies and the likelihood of us getting pregnant with out medical intervention . Then came PCOS and metformin . The back story is my PCP prescribed met . formin a few months ago and I 've been horrible about taking it . When the fiasco happened with her a few weeks ago , I decided to not start taking it again and talk with my OB about it . I figured it was a bit more of his area of expertise than hers . So we talked at length about PCOS , metformin and birth control . Since I am not really insulin resistant , and am on birth control he said it really wasn 't necessary for me to be taking it . He agreed that it could potentially help me lose a little weight , but he said it likely wouldn 't be anymore than I 'd lose if I just watched my diet . He was insistent that if / when I go off birth control I will need it again . It will help my body stay hormonally balanced , or at least closer . Going off birth control . . . that is a post for another day - - maybe tomorrow ! Hey guys ! Today 's post is pretty much my shameless plug for Amazon Mom . Just to get this out of the way from start , if you DO sign up using my link I will get some amazon credits which I will use for the MILLIONS of diapers and wipes we go through around here ! BUT you will also win - - For a limited time new Amazon Mom members can save $ 25 on eligible diapers in addition to 20 % off diapers , wipes and other family essentials ! So , SIGN UP . . . and use my link . . . I dare you ! I really , really cannot tell you how many times Amazon Mom has saved my butt when it comes to buying diapers . It is dang near impossible to buy a box of diapers , while pushing a double stroller and buying ANYTHING else . So I order my diapers . . ALWAYS . It is just so much easier , and they come right to my front door just a couple of days later . THE . BEST . 6am - 7am : The first cry or Dadadadadada is heard and depending on time and how awake I am , I either get the baby ( or both ) and bring him / them back to our bed for a little snuggling or we head out to the living room to play . 8 : 30am : Breakfast . Lately my children are VERY picky . It hasn 't always been this way , and hopefully it will not always be this way , but for now , they usually have fruit and either toast , a pancake or a waffle . 9 : 00 - 10 : 00am : Diaper changes and lots of playing . We are usually in and out of the playroom a million times , scooting around on push / ride - on toys and generally acting like the circus show we are . On days that it isn 't raining this is the time I load up the stroller and go for a 30 - 45 minute walk . 10 : 00am : The boys have a sippy cup and milk mixed with a small amount of formula and go to bed for somewhere between 1 and 2 hours . 12 : 00pm : More playtime and diaper changes . 1 : 30pm : Lunch . Again , we are picky . Sometimes they like grilled cheese , quesadillas , flat bread , ham and cheese . They always like chunks of fruit or a pouch or pureed fruit or vegetable . 2 : 00 - 3 : 00pm More wild playtime , errands and diaper changes 3 : 00pm : Another nap - I think I may die when they no longer take two . they again have a sippy cup of milk and sleep for 1 - 2 hours . 5 : 00pm : We play , play , play and wait for daddy to get home . Change diapers and have a snack if they seem hungry . 6 : 00 - 7 : 00pm : Dinner . We are trying our best to start eating more as a family , but is dang hard when you run a short order kitchen trying to get your kids to eat SOMETHING . ANYTHING ! There is a possibility I could have seen this coming , and maybe you will be thinking the same thing in the coming posts ( the metfor . min debate ! ) but the day came . . . the day I lost all trust in my primary care physician . A few weeks ago I went in to have my thyroid tested . I 've had some trouble keeping it in range ever since the boys were born , or really , since they were conceived . I 've gone in somewhere between monthly and once every three months to have it tested and to have my medication changed either slightly up or down dependent on my TSH level . No biggy . Well , no biggy until this last appointment . I went in , had my blood drawn , and chatted with her a bit about how I was feeling . I expressed to her that I was somewhat tired , but I wasn 't sure if that had to do with swinging hypo , or if it was because I had two teething babies at home . We talked a bit more and she sent me on my way saying they 'd call once my results had been read and at that time they would refill my prescription with any changes . A few days passed and the medical assistant called me . She let me know my results had come back a little high ( 4 . 54 ) and that they would like to change my dose . I said ok , with the understanding that I was obviously being UNDERTREATED and then she said ' we 'll be LOWERING your dose to 75mcg ( from 100mcg ) ' . I quickly said that didn 't seem right and she responded with , ' that is how the thyroid works , it can be confusing . ' I expressed my concern again and asked that she have my PCP look over it again and then call me back . I was sure she 'd call back quickly with an apology and a different dose that was higher than my previous instead of TWO steps lower . She did call back . It was about an hour later , and when she called she let me know that my PCP was adamant this was her plan of care and would like me to be on 75mcg instead of the 100mcg I was currently taking . At this point I made sure I 'd heard correctly during the first conversation that my level was 4 . 54 and went to work on the computer to make sure I wasn 't the onePosted by Recently the boys were playing in the living room while I finished cleaning up our breakfast dishes . I was just one room over and listened as they giggled at each other and banged on the sliding glass door wishing it was warm enough and dry enough to go outside . After not too long , A was no longer joyfully squealing , but kind of whimpering / whining . When I came around the corner I was surprised ( to say the least ) to see only half of my child . Directly in front of our slider ( who 's idea was that . . . perfect way to lose ALL of our heat ! ) we have a heating / cooling vent . A had removed the cover and went ahead and jumped in . I was amused / and slightly worried he might be stuck at first , but once I got him out more panic set it . What if that duct work didn 't hold his little body and he fell into the crawlspace . HOLY CRAP that freaked me out , Especially because we just bought the boys a bookshelf for their closet that sits directly on top of the crawlspace access . . . it would not have been a quick save of my baby ! Stay tuned for more ' tricks ' . . . and just for fair warning it is almost always A who is preforming tricks around here . If he makes it to this second birthday without an urgent trip to the doctor I will be AMAZED ! I am going to do my very best to get a post up every day of November - - yeah I know , we 'll see how that one goes ! I 'm not promising depth every single day of the month , just SOMETHING . . . anything ! I 'm ready to jump back into blogging a bit more , I miss it ! Plus there are about 500 million things going on in my mind and they need OUT ! As I said in my last post , thoughts of another baby are beginning to surface . Its funny , these thoughts of a second pregnancy are a little surprising to me . When I think about another pregnancy , it is in thinking about ' planning ' it . So much about infertility ( part one ) was being a slave to not building expectations , learning to live without a plan at times and learning to live my life by a calendar someone else handed me at others . And now , now we have more pieces in our puzzle . We have seen success , and we know what ( at least last time ) works for us . We have three frozen embryos which are similar in quality to those we transferred during our two fresh cycles . Both of those cycles I did become pregnant , at least briefly , and because of that , I am hopeful one of those three embryos will become baby number three . In a perfect world we would begin the FET process in January of 2015 . So , why am I already thinking so much about all of this ? We have fertility insurance . And while I am very thankful that we have it , it does add more hoops to be jumped . Like the fairly common ' 1 year of timed intercourse ' before benefits can be utilized . Though I 'm not sure that applies to someone who already has an infertility diagnosis , it is still very much dominating thoughts of growing our family . What this all means , is I 'll need to go off birth control sometime around Christmas this year . Its crazy . ' Trying ' for a baby just a couple of months from now feels a little nuts , but we are being realistic in knowing an FET is very much a part of our plan . This may come as a surprise to some , but I don 't have any desire to become pregnant naturally - nor do I think it will happen . I have three perfect embryos that I would like to give a chance to , and I 'd rather not push that out longer and longer . The three embryos we have are something I think about daily , and something that makes my husband feel somewhat uncomfortable . We aren 't big fans of those babies just sitting and waiting for us for years to come . And if we 're being completely hoI 'm somewhat worried about going off birth control . I 'm worried I wont have regular cycles due to my PCOS and I 'll have to resort to the very much unenjoyable progesterone to stimulate cycles . I 'm looking forward to the possibility of another baby and our little family growing , but it feels somewhat surreal to be thinking / preparing to jump back into all of this no matter how far off it is . I don 't often hear / see people speaking about their frozen embryos . I think I 've read just one blog post about a family donating after their twin pregnancy / birth and I know of one blogger who fully intended to try with every embryo she had , but as it turned out it wasn 't something she needed to worry about . I 'd love to hear your take on this , or what your plans are , my fellow IVFers . Either leave me a comment , or post your thoughts on your blog and leave me a link in the comments . Posted by I feel like I 've been neglecting my blog . I 'm not entirely sure why , but its happening . Its weird though , because although our boys are more mobile now , they are also playing together ( ish ) more and are seriously cool to go to the playroom for sometimes 30 minutes at a time without needing mama to be right there . It is pretty sweet ! Here is a little update on our life . . . . A will take a few steps here and there , and can navigate a push toy like a pro , but in general crawling is still his main form of transportation . As my babies are exiting the baby stage , I 'm starting to think more and more about baby # 3 . I know , I have twins who are just barely one , but its true . I have an appointment with my OB in a few weeks and while we are not even close to biting the ' IVF ' bullet . I do have a few things to pick his brain about . We have new insurance and I 'm not certain if we 'll have to " try " for a year before using our benefits or not , but if we do have to , that means trying will likely commence very soon since we have an idea of when we 'd like to do an FET - - how 's that for faith in my reproductive system ? We give the boys teething tablets from time to time , and H has taken to doing it himself . He looks so grown up taking his pills before bed . About a month ago Hubs and a camp - in with the boys in the living room . They slept inside out huge playpen together - seriously the CUTEST thing ever . They are doing it again tonight . I am so incredibly thankful that my babies have such a fun daddy . A & H haven 't ever really been on a schedule , but all of a sudden a few weeks ago we just kind of fell into one . I have never pushed one on them - aside from feeding them at pretty set times when they were babies . Now , at 13 months , this is what we are doing : Milk & Nap : The boys are still getting part formula in their sippy cup along with some whole milk . We 've had a little trouble getting used to the milk , so for now , this is what we 're doing . The boys usually nap from 10am - 12pm Bedtime : between 8 and 830 we start the bedtime routine including diapers , jammies , meds and milk . They generally go down without too much fuss and most nights sleep through the night . Some nights a quick bath or shower is tossed into the bedtime routine , but we are firm believers in not bathing everyday . Our kiddos have pretty sensitive skin and we 've found that every night is just way too drying on their soft baby skin ! Good ting , because there just aren 't enough hours in the evening for that ! H has taken to pooping before he falls asleep for either one or both of his naps . . . every single day . Then he cries or stands in his bed and talks loudly until I come change him . Little stinker - literally . The boys went to the nursery for the first time a few weeks ago while we were at MOPs . I thought they would cry when I left . . . not so much . I thought that would make me sad , but instead I was totally proud . We had dinner recently with two other couples . One couple has twins and the other has a singleton . It was so weird to watch the kids . It was very interesting to see how both sets of twins just got right to playing and didn 't need much interaction with the adults other than to kind of be close enough to check in from time to time . The singleton was more interested in her parents and what they were doing , wanted to stay close and was more determined to do things her way . After the moms got to talking about it was obvious that it was just one of those differences in raising twins - they just don 't really get 100 % of the attention , the toys or anything for that matter . While that kind seems sad , I think its also kind of a good thing . I 'm trying to think of things to get out of the house for this fall / winter . We have MOPs once per month and a play group once a month , but I feel like the other two weeks need some kind of outing for the boys . Anyone have any ideas ? I 've considered the toddler playtime at a bouncy house place in the area , but its for 3 and under and I 'm not sure if my boys are ready for that . . . thoughts ? Otherwise I feel like the more ' organized ' things people generally take their kids to are a little hard when you have two the same age . Our MOPs group does one outing every month that is for the kiddos , but the first two are outdoors and not really stroller friendly so they are unfortunately a no go for us . I 'm fully embracing fall . Hubs ordered me pumpkin coffee and apple cider a couple of weeks ago and they are now my favorite afternoon treat . This week kicks off Soup Sundays at our house , and I can 't wait to get a big pot on the stove top ! That 's all for now , and really , it is way more than I thought I had in me ! I hope you are all doing well and enjoying the change of pace fall brings . While I miss the sunny afternoons in the backyard with my babies , I 'll trade it in for the drizzle and cloudy skies if it means the holiday season is right around the corner . I can 't wait to see the boys experience everything this year ! I know I 've spoken pretty freely about the infertility insurance we were blessed with through my husbands employer . Were . Past tense , he ended his position with them last Friday and began a new position with a new company today . One of the biggest worries I had with him changing jobs was how that would impact our family building plans . With our previous policy we were VERY blessed to have ' full ' coverage for 6 iui 's and 3 ART courses of treatment ( 3 fresh or frozen IVF cycles ) . We live in a state that does not have mandatory coverage laws when it comes to infertility , so it was a huge blessing that Hub 's company was based in a state ( IL ) that did have such mandates . It was a pretty big surprise to find out that our new policy would also have a bit of coverage . Though it isn 't as impressive as the last package , it is something - - and money that we will not have to come up with when we are ready for an FET . Thank goodness ! I kind of wanted to throw up when I saw that number . I talked to my mom last week and kind of off the cuff said without our coverage we probably would have spent about $ 40k on treatments so far . When I said that it seemed like a big number that was probably inaccurate . Guess who was painfully close to correct ? $ 42 , 620 for consults , testing , six IUIs and two fresh IVF cycles . Oh my gosh . What would we have done if we didn 't have that coverage ? Found a way I suppose , but I am even more thankful now than I was then . To paint the whole picture , we only paid about 12 . 5 % of that out of pocket - - most of which was co - payments . Insane . It is heartbreaking to me that there are so many couples who are unable to do all that we 've done because they don 't have the insurance coverage we had and the money just isn 't there to afford trying for the baby / babies they long for . Posted by Both boys are clapping - - I cant remember if I said at 11 months that H was clapping , but now we have two little clappers . Whenever they hear clapping they start in . Also , if they hear YAY ! they start clapping - - so stinking cute ! Both are obsessed with the fountain park . We have taken them a few times and each time they are more fearless with the water . Not to mention how stinking cute they are in those little swim suits : ) H is pretty solidly wearing 12 month clothing with many 9m things mixed in . He still wears some 6m shorts because his waist is pretty tiny . A is wearing things ranging from 6 - 9m with some 12m jammies mixed in . Both boys are in size 3 diapers and size 4 overnights - - I think both will be able to move up after the box that arrived on our doorstep this morning . - - ps , diaper delivery is amazing ! H LOVES anything with wheels . At home it is cars when we 're out it is strollers and anything else with wheels . When he sits in the shopping cart at costco he loves to hang himself out over the side to watch the wheels . A likes toys he can walk behind , a ride around the back yard on a blanket , and anything resembling a blankie - clothes , sheets , he isn 't too picky . Their favorite song is Wheels on the Bus and a close second is I 'll Love You Forever . Both are starting to wave , but it is not even close to mastery yet . They are getting so much better at napping . They 'll either play in their cribs talking for a little while , or sometimes just roll right over and go to sleep when I lay them down ( still twice per day ) . I just wish this was the case at night . We 're still rocking them to sleep most nights , and H is still waking up at night to be rocked some more most nights . They are eating 3 meals per day along with 3 bottles ( sippy cups are still a problem ) . Until we start milk soon , they are getting somewhere between 18 - 21oz of formula per day . Some days they have a snack in the afternoon , but not very often because they are pretty big eaters at meal times . The boys received a lot of new toys for their birthday - - and seem to be really enjoying most of them . They both say Mama and Dada , but they are not always directed at us , so I 'm not entirely sure it counts . A : Weight 21 lbs 10 . 2oz ( 31 % ) Height 29 3 / 4 " ( 48 % ) Head 47 . 5cm ( 80 % So , in summary , they are a little on the skinny side , H is tall - ish and A is average in height . . . and their heads are on the large side . In terms of meeting milestones all of the physical milestones are being met , but the boys a little ' behind ' in terms of speech . Hubs and I aren 't overly concerned and neither was our ped . she finds that twins have a slightly delayed speech pattern and was all for waiting until their 15m or 18m well visit before we worry too much . IF they are still running a little behind we will be referred to an early intervention clinic and be evaluated for speech . They also had their shots , which made them VERY VERY angry this time . This time it was Hep A , MMR , Chickenpox and Pneumococcal . Since this is already super late , I think I 'll stop there . Hopefully I 'll have photos from their party uploaded soon so I can share the details ! Enjoying a little birthday cake ! Don 't mind the red mark on A 's face , we let him try a rib and the rub / sauce irritated his skin a little . Sometime in our bedtime routine the monitor fell into a basket of books and the microphone was covered . I 'm fairly sure A slept all night as he normally does . H on the other hand . . . he never , ever makes it all night . I have to at least get up once to locate his lollie and give it back to him . Most nights there is some rocking , and a lot of nights he just ends up in our bed . So when I woke up this morning I was SO proud of him . Until I heard the boys fussing down the hall and not a peep coming from our monitor . Ugh . I feel horrible that my little guys could have ( and likely did ) need me in the night and I wasn 't there to come check on them . H has been acting super sleepy today which only makes me feel worse ! That is how long I 've been a Mama to babies on the outside of my body . Surely I was their Mama from the moment they were created , but one year is how long I 've been snuggling , feeding , diapering , kissing , and taking care of every need of our boys . I can 't believe an entire year has passed already . I remember that day - what seems like every single moment , right down to the words that were said and the looks that were exchanged between my husband and I in the hours leading up to our debut as parents . I remember shaking in the OR and my OB calmly reassuring me that not only would everything be fine , but that my babies would know my love for them from the moment they took their first breath on the outside of my body . I can recall how everything looked around me as I laid eyes on each of my boys for the first time . So many sweet memories from that day . I will cherish that day for as long as I live , the day every ounce of hurt , pain , longing and frustration became really and truly worth it . . the day I became a mom . This year looks a bit different than last year . I will still be waking up early , though with any luck it wont be AS early . Instead of driving to the hospital with great anticipation , instead we 'll walk down our hallway , and watch with great anticipation as they discover their birthday gifts from us and navigate a hallway of streamers and balloons . And instead of not eating breakfast , I 'll join my sweet little pancake lovers for some blueberry treats . This afternoon we 'll hit up the fountain park and watch them explore a place they love and maybe they 'll get a little taste of ice cream when we 're done playing . Tonight we 'll tuck our sweet little boys into their cribs with their pacifiers and the burp clothes they treat like blankies , and instead of being slightly terrified like we were on that first night in the hospital , we 'll give each other the same look we give each other every night . . . . the one that says ' how could we love them any more ? ' ' We 've finally got this figured out ' and ' thanks for making me a mom / dad ' all in one simple little glance . 1 . Sippy cups . . . . the boys are not good at them . I give them a sippy cup with water each day ( ok , most days ) in addition to their three bottles and three meals - usually they end up being banged on the tray and everyone ends up a little more wet than I 'd planned . It isn 't for lack of trying though - I think we have six different types of cups . If you have a favorite let me know ! 2 . Nighttime waking . . . . I am willing to admit we 've done VERY little in terms of sleep training . We 've broken a lot of ' rules ' and I 'm not really sorry about any of it . I 've loved having my babies in bed with me from time to time , but we are reaching a point where H is finding his way into our bed early every morning . I 'd like to fix this , but the boys do share a room , so letting him fuss / cry it out isn 't really an option . When he gets picked up and brought to our room he is usually either asleep before he gets to our room , or shortly after he gets into our bed . Occasionally we do rock him in his room and put him back down once he falls asleep , but to be honest , we are too tired for that most of the time ! Last night I tried not bringing him to our bed . . . I got up to rock him every two hours and he required a bottle to go to sleep the final time . 3 . Diapers . . . my boys have always been more on the side of constipated than the other direction . In the recent weeks we 've had some issues in that department that we haven 't been used to . I can count on both hands how many times we 've had to change an outfit because of poop in the last year between TWO babies . . . I 'd say half of those have been in the last month . I don 't think it has anything to do with the diapers we are using - it has to do with the poo . . . which I have to assume is due to the food . I fed the boys the BRAT diet for a few days and it seemed to get a little better , but then I introduced oatmeal again and this morning A wished me a happy anniversary with a full diaper and poo up his back - - gross ! Could it just be a yucky stomach that needs to heal , or are our oatmeal days numbered ? 4 . Birthdays . . . . its almost the boys ' first birthday and I have no idea what to get them . We just spent $ 800 on car seats and a new stroller , so maybe that is gift enough ! What did you do for a first birthday gift , or did you skip it because they have no idea and your family spoiled your kiddo rotten anyway ? ! ? ! 5 . Pacifiers . . . We had every intention ( a year ago , and maybe even 6 months ago ) to take away the lollies when the boys turned one . I 'm just not sure they are ready . . . and I 'm even more sure I am not ready ! But , our doctor has told us time and time again that it is in the end easier for them the younger they are - - less attached and all that jazz . Ideas ? Bottles will be happening shortly too ( after we master the sippy ) so if you have tips on that one I 'll gladly take those too ! The boys are almost one , and I am finally feeling like I can make some commitments and plan to do some things on a weekly / monthly basis . Hubs and I have lived in this general metro area for about 7 years , and while we have a few friends , very few of them have small children , and those who do , don 't stay home with them . So , I don 't have play dates ( does anyone else despise that term ? ) on the calendar and really we spend most of our days alone at home . It is fine , the boys have a built in playmate , but I 'm ready to get out some more . I 've been looking into some options , and I 'm interested to know what you 've done with your kiddos . Right now a few options I 'm looking at are . . . I know getting out will be good for all three of us , but I am not the best at meeting new people . We are also currently looking for a church , so maybe that will drag up some more opportunities . So tell me , what have you done to get out of the house with your kids ? Did you love it , hate it , wish you 'd done it sooner ? ! ? ! ? I know I often gloss over many aspects of raising twins , touting it as the best days of my life . And while these days are nothing short of amazing , it is really hard work . I commend moms who stay home with their twins full time and remain sane , because in reality while I don 't leave my home every day to take care of someone else 's 36 small children as I used to , this IS indeed a JOB and it is hard work . A few days before the holiday weekend I hurt my back . Though it wasn 't too bad , I was noticing the pain when I bent down to pick up the boys and felt stiff in the mornings . I didn 't think too much of it and we hopped into the car on the morning of the 4th to head down the freeway to see our families for the holiday weekend . 2 hours in the car without a ton of leg room was a horrible idea in hindsight . I spent much of that Thursday in a lot of pain . I nursed it , took pain medication and by the following morning I was feeling much better . We took a walk that morning in an effort to loosen things up and I was feeling pretty well on Friday . By Saturday and Sunday I was able to do most things and was really in little to no pain . Then after meeting family for breakfast on Sunday morning we hopped back in the car and drove home . When we arrived back , I jumped out of the car at a neighbors house where we were watering the lawn , and then when I got back out at our house I felt it - - the pain was back . Not horrible , but I still declined getting the boys out of the car or unpacking the car just in case . I spent about an hour unpacking a few things in the house , starting the laundry and feeding the boys lunch . After we 'd completed all of our chores from returning home Hubs and I sat down with some food and watched a show on net . flix . Against my better judgement I decided to lay down on our very soft sofa to finish the show . Possibly the worst idea I have EVER had . Ouch ! I started feeling like I needed to use the restroom so I tried to get up . . . not happening . Feeling pretty fearful I was going to wet my pants right there on the couch , I started trying to get myself to the floor to crawl to the bathroom . After probably and hour , some crying and a lot of pain I made it to the bathroom to take care of business . This was obviously way more pain than I had been in previously that weekend so I started to get worried . I tried all of my husband 's low back pain tricks and nothing really helped I was in so much pain that I wasn 't even * * * sidenote , while explaining to my husband that this was the worst pain I had ever been in , he got a puzzled face , and said ' even childbirth ? ' to which I reminded him I 'd been drugged and cut open . . . . Really ? It hasn 't even been a year yet and you 've forgotten ? Hilarious conversation ! * * * Not only was I hurting , I was also starting to feel guilty that Hubs was going to have to take care of the boys on his own while I healed . I 'm not sure why this was such a worry to me . I 've done it many times when he needed to be rested for work or wasn 't feeling well - while hard work , it is in fact doable . I think more than anything it is just hard for me to give up the things I do every single day for my babies . I add that whole story , because it really wasn 't until I was laying on a lawn chair , with ice on my back in my living room that I realized just how hard my job is . ( We don 't furnish our living room with outdoor furniture it was just the only thing other than my bed that I could stand being in ) When it was hubs taking care of our boys it was different , more effortless . He does it most evenings and on the weekend , so while it is still a lot of work he is somewhat used to it all . However , watching my mom who is not used to taking care of two 11 month olds all day - I was exhausted just watching her . She really did a fantastic job , but when I 'm in my day I don 't really notice all the millions of little things I do for the boys all . day . long . I thought MANY times , how do I do this everyday ? I 'm in no way trying to toot my own horn or make stay at home moms sound higher or mightier than those moms that go back to work . I 'm just trying to be real - this is hard work . I vow now to no longer feel like I 've failed the day if there is a load of laundry in the washing machine that is going to have to be re - washed the following morning or if my kitchen is a mess , or if I fall into my bed at night and just barely kiss my husband good night . Because I 'm doing big work around here . I 'm raising two little boys into what I hope will be strong , hardworking , loving men someday . And really , all those other things are of little importance when I look at the bigger picture . So , for weeks I was reading blogs urging people to swap blog readers because google . reader was going to be no more . I kept thinking - gosh google . reader must be great if so many people use it - - Hmmm , I guess I missed the boat on that one . Imagine both my surprise and embarrassment when one morning I clicked on my blog reading app on my phone and . . . oh weird , there is nothing there . Turns out I 'd been using it for the last couple of years to read blogs on my phone . Its ok , call me an idiot , I totally felt like one in that moment . I then downloaded blog . lovin ' and it seems to be working ok so far , but I 'm pretty sure when I try to leave a comment on a blog from my phone it isn 't working so I 'll need to get that figured out . Holy cow I can 't believe this is the last monthly post I 'll make before my sweet , tiny 6lb 5oz and 7lb 11oz babies are ONE ! The time has flown by and in a blink of an eye here we are eleven months into parenthood - nothing is sweeter . When I think of my former self one year ago , I 'm thankful today on this warm summer day , my babies are on the outside , cooling off in a tiny baby pool instead of inside my belly ! Those were some pretty uncomfortably warm days last summer : ) This month the boys went on their first hotel vacation . A was a sleeping champ , H . . . not so much . It wasn 't totally horrible , but it wasn 't the best sleep I 've had in my life ! Days were great on our trip , so those made up ( mostly ) for rather sleepless nights . In H 's defense he was working on about 4 teeth at once ! Both can crawl FAST . They both have started pulling up to stand and are cruising around the baby gate in their play area . I 've caught H once standing withing holding on . They are getting to be better and better eaters , but still would rather be fed . They have three meals per days and usually one snack of puffs or cheerios and some water in a sippy cup . The sippy cup is still sort of an elusive skill even though we have nearly every option on the market . This month we got a new stroller and we LOVE it . If other twin mamas are wondering , we decided on the Ci . ty Mini Doub . le GT after A LOT of research . It works great and we have yet to find a doorway we can 't get through ! Also new this month are convertible carseats ! I was really worried about this transition , but so far so good . . . fingers crossed ! We went with Ch . icco Nex . tfits for the boys and like them a lot . They actually allowed us to gain some legroom in the front seat from our snug . ride 30s ! ! ! That was a BIG win ! And , it took more time to remove the infant seat bases than it did to install the new seats - they are incredibly user friendly ! A continues to take reflux medication , but in the last week we 've started only giving it to him at night . It seems to be fine - he is spitting up much less often these days . When the doctor told us he 'd likely out grow it at around a year I didn 't really believe her . . . turns out she may have be right - - thank goodness ! H learned to clap this month and it was often accompanied by something that sounds a lot like yay ! I assume because that is what we often are saying when we clap for them . Both A and H wave every once in awhile it is certainly not a mastered skill , but it is really stinking cute when they do it . We left the boys with my parents for only the second time this month . This was the first time we went out alone since having the boys . We went to a nice fondue dinner for my birthday . ( remember the great met . formin debate ? yeah , not a good mix with fondue ! ) This month we celebrated the boy 's first 4th of July and Father 's day ! We spent the 4th with family and we did many things for father 's day including the boys ' first MLS soccer match ( they both napped through some intense noise with their ear protection on ! ) went to the beach and wandered through a car show . Their favorite toys are currently things that light up or make noise . . . they have the most annoying fire truck that I bought at a multiples consignment sale for really cheap that they are obsessed with . I turn off the sound all the time , but unfortunately , the little buggers have gotten smart and have figured out how to turn it back on ! They are both still in size 3 diapers during the day and a size 4 overnight . They wear mostly 9 month clothes with many 6 month things mixed in especially tops and shorts for A . A even wears a few 3month summer things . H wears some 12month jammies because he is getting so tall . H is a serious offender when it comes to pacifier stealing . It makes me excited to be done with them because it is a fight often . We 'd love to be done with them all together , but I think the first transition is going to be only in their cribs or carseats . A has a serious love of all things cozy . He LOVES a blanky ( nothing specific ) or even a burp cloth will do . He will often clam down and fall asleep as soon as you have him a burp cloth and his lollie . A has had some issues with mild diaper rash since we 've become more adventurous with food . We 've become more relaxed about the ' one new thing per couple of days ' thing so it makes it difficult to know what exactly is causing it . But I think the last two times it has been berries . I don 't think he is allergic more intolerant , I 'm just not sure he is ready for them . Weird though , because strawberries are fine . . it is just darker berried and raspberries . Maybe too acidic for him yet ? We went to our first splash park . . . . they LOVED it . The water was pretty darn cold , but they still had a lot of fun ! We will for sure do that again soon . I 'm sure there are many more things to remember , but this will have to do ! I 'm nursing a very sore back ( post to come soon on that one ! ) and have a million things to catch up on ! Today , I leave my twenties . . . forever . It isn 't a sad day , I can assure you , if I were still in the throws of infertility it would be an incredibly rough day . But , here I am , waking up to two perfect boys - happily skipping my way out of my twenties . Those years held some of the best of times , but also many of the worst . . . . . 20 : I was in college . I was living with my best friend from high school - she turned out to be not exactly what I was looking for in a roommate . I continued to date my high school sweetheart and our relationship grew and grew . 21 : My parents threw me a 21st birthday BBQ . Still in college - new roommate . We had an insane amount of fun together . Hubs and I spent spring break visiting his sister out of state . 23 : Got married and honeymooned in Mexico . Upon our return we move away from our hometown . We ended up in a more metro area than where we grew up and we enjoyed being newlyweds with very few responsibilities . 25 : Started trying to get pregnant . It was fun right up until every female of childbearing age in my family got pregnant . Then it just got difficult . I was beginning to realize something might be wrong just in time to celebrate all of the baby showers . Cue a round of clomid to finish out 25 . On a happy note , my first nephew was born just 4 days before my birthday . 26 : It started with a hopeful heart - surely I 'd be pregnant with clomid before the rest of babies were born . . . wrong ! We did 5 more rounds of clomid and then decided it was time for a break . It was a dark and depressing year . 27 : I finally decided one month exactly after my birthday ( on our anniversary ) that it was time to bring out the big guns and see a fertility specialist . That year we found out I have a thyroid problem and PCOS . In addition we did six unsuccessful IUIs , took a very short break and then geared up for IVF # 1 . This year was filled with hope , disappointment and longing . 28 : We did our first round of IVF shortly after my birthday . I took my very first positive pregnancy test and was able to tell my husband for the first time that he was going to be a daddy . Unfortunately , just a couple of weeks later we also had another first - a chemical pregnancy / miscarriage . This broke me - but built me up all at the same time . I was SO ready to try again . And try again we did - just a few months later . With a second fresh IVF cycle I became pregnant with my boys . I spent 6 months of this year pregnant with twins and loved every last second of it ! 29 : I spent the first six weeks of the year largely pregnant with twins putting the finishing touches on their nursery and preparing for our life to significantly change . Then , on August 15th , the best thing to come out of my twenties happened - we became a family of four . I spent the remainder of the year raising my boys and with struggle and sleepless night came coos , crawlers and kisses so sweet they take away much of the pain and despair it took to get here . So while it wasn 't the easiest decade of my life , it was probably the sweetest . We grew and we fell more in love with each other in the hard times , but also in the good . We watched as we became mama and dada - my life changed in my twenties and that I will always remember - maybe someday the other memories will fade , but I hope I always remember how sweet 28 1 / 2 - 30 were ! Not only are we crawling , but also climbing . . . and causing near heart attacks on a daily basis . A now has 6ish teeth and H has 4 and two more that are just now starting to show through - let me tell you I hoped for months before that they 'd get their teeth at the same time and ALL at once . Watch what you wish for ! But , in reality I think it really has been the best for all of us . Ok , mostly me because if I 'm going to be up all night , it might as well be with two at the same time instead of just one on alternating nights : ) I made some baby pancakes for the boys with apple sauce and a touch of cinnamon - - love at first sight for A . . . H was not as impressed at first , but has since warmed up . The boys are warming up to ' real ' food , but often still prefer cereal and baby food . We are working on the whole sippy cup thing . H is much , much closer to mastery than A . Both boys are in size 3 diapers and H is wearing a size 4 nighttime diaper . A and H continue to love their wubanub pacifiers . We are hoping to break them of their lollie love sometime around their first birthday . This month they went to the zoo for the first time , did a lot of ' swimming ' in their pool and played in the sand at the beach for the first time ! We 're working toward eating mostly table foods . It is a hard transition as A REALLY wants to eat things that are mashed and on a spoon . He is trying more and more and I 'm confident that soon they will both be eating baby friendly versions of my meals . Life will be so much easier ! We 've had a lot of sleep regression this month . H ends up in bed or on the couch with me almost every night because I can 't just let him cry and wake his brother . The massive teething has added a snotty / runny / stuffy nose to the mix of things and sleeping with me up on a pillow is very helpful . I cannot wait for the day they go back to sleeping through the night . Buuuuut , I 'm not wishing it away either , they are growing up WAY too fast and they wont need me like this forever . That is all for now . Hopefully I 'll be back in just a couple of weeks to write their 11 month post - holy cow . . . the last one before their big birthday ! On the topic of birthdays - birthday party planning is in full swing ! Theme / color scheme has been picked and invitations will be started this weekend ! I am getting so excited , but at the same time I cant stand the thought of them turning ONE ! Insurance is still lame . I was denied by another company for a private policy , so we 've decided for the moment to have Hubs continue working where he is . On the plus side , the infertility coverage remains , and depending on how long he stays at this job we may be able to use the remainder of our IVF benefits . We went on a family vacation a couple of weeks ago . Nothing too grand , we just rented a great big house and hung out for five days ! Relaxing and fun ! I am still taking met . formin . . . on the days I actually remember . I was SO good about it when I was on it and trying to get pregnant . Now ? Not as much . I 'm hoping to get better about it , because I know it will help . My lack of summer clothing is somewhat comical . I was hugely pregnant last summer and the summer before I didn 't buy many new things because I was doing IVF and hopeful I 'd be pregnant and expanding soon . So , that leaves me with things that are a few years old , a little dated and worn out ! Its time to go shopping I guess ! 9 month sleep regression . . . not my favorite . 9 month sleep regression coupled with two babies with a cold . . . a little slice of hell . The boys HATE finger food . H will try a few things , A turns his head and clinches his lips . Any tips tricks , food ideas ? ! ? My husband asked me the other day what I wanted to be when I grew up . I responded first with ' am I not grown up ? ' and second with ' I 'm doing exactly what I 've always dreamed about . Being a mom and taking care of my family . ' It is not always ( or ever really ! ) a glamorous job , but it is pretty close to perfection in my book ! In the past several months Hubs has been considering a new job . It was never his long term plan to be there forever , but it was easy to stay - the money is good , the insurance is great and he really likes the people . This past week he received a job offer . While the position is a fantastic fit , their health insurance options are not the best . Being a small company ( compared to the very large one he currently works for ) the premiums are HIGH . . . like nearly 3x what we are currently paying for amazing ( infertility included ) coverage . We were willing to walk away from our IVF coverage to the possibilities that were in front of us , and even take a slight pay cut all with a plan for the boys and I to get a private health insurance policy for a significantly reduced rate . Sure it wouldn 't be perfect , but it would be doable . Until I was denied . I have to be honest , I was surprised . I knew infertility could be a problem , but I guess I just assumed ( obviously incorrectly ) that since it is not covered under this policy that it would be a non - issue . Wrong . It is upsetting because while I do still very much identify with the infertility community , I feel like it is behind me to some extent . We have three more embryos we intend to try with , but I feel pretty resolved at this point - if they don 't produce a pregnancy , I 'm finished with treatments . I get that I may change my mind , but I have been in such a great place since becoming pregnant with our boys . Today , well today reminded me of the hurt I felt before . That failure feeling - because now this possibly great fit job for my husband may have to be declined because we need to stay with our group health plan - because once again my reproductive system is getting in the way of the plans we have for our family . Thankfully my husband does not blame me in any way for this . Infertility has always been something that was an ' us ' thing , not a ' me ' problem . I am so very thankful for this fact , and for the fact that he sees how this all hurts me and generally knows just what to say . He has been nothing but gracious this morning , saying if it doesn 't work , it doesn 't work . He is ok with having to continue on at his current employer if it is what it takes . He really is an amazing provider for our family . Both of the boys have two top teeth that have broken the surface . Those gums are super puffy ! Thankfully , both boys are in fairly good spirits . Teething doesn 't seem to bother A at all , while H is a bit more sensitive . The boys tried their first non - prepared baby foods . The first was mashed sweet potato . . . . SERIOUS HATE ! Next they tried more of a finger food - avocado . They tried to feed it to themselves and I helped a bit too . They weren 't too sure , but there wasn 't ( as much ) gagging like with the sweet potato . Other finger foods we 've tried include toast with mashed avocado , banana , cheerios and watermelon . We moved their crib . Just to the other side of our room so they weren 't sleeping RIGHT next to me . Shortly after , and before I had planned , we moved the boys to the nursery and into separate cribs . On the same night they began rolling over in their swaddles which is super unsafe , so the following night we went cold turkey - no swaddles , no more sharing a crib and into the nursery ! It has been a success from night one . Every once in a while teething gets the best of us , but for the most part is has been great ! A needed his first band aid for something other than a shot . He tore his toenail while trying out his walker . The boys are in love with their new playroom . We spend a lot of time in the living room , so when they start to get cranky we move the the playroom - perfect distraction for them , and I occasionally get a few photos edited ! We started phasing out the swings . I moved them to the nursery and decided if we needed to use them the boys could swing / catnap in their room . I can see out our patio door again , just in time for summer ! The boys generally sleep 9 - 10 hours per night and take two naps per day each somewhere between an hour or two . Depending on when the first two naps take place there might be one quick evening nap between dinner and bedtime . A is fully army crawling and has started to do the real crawl - H is much more content to just sit where you put him . He gets around both scooting , rolling and the occasional army crawl , but is no where near as fast or determined as his little brother ! They both love to spend their days outside . On average we are probably outside for at least 3 - 4 hours a day when it is sunny and warm . Thank goodness because we seriously neglected our yard when I was hugely pregnant last summer - now we want to spend tons of time out there so its time to get it back in shape : ) When the boys were swaddled for naps and nighttime they used to get into their crib fully awake , now they prefer a bit of snuggle time and rocking with mama some days . It seems like a bit of a step backward , but I don 't really mind , they wont want me like this forever . On Food : We are feeding the boys 3 meals of solids most days . There are days they just aren 't ready in the mornings and I 'm not really forcing it . They take four 7oz bottles each day , so the vast majority of their calories / nutrition are still coming from formula . We have tried several finger foods , none of which are always a hit . Occasionally they will eat something , but the majority of the time they greatly prefer something mashed up on a spoon . I 'm finally living my dream and embracing all the moments . My infertility resume is fairly impressive up to this point - if you want the full run down you can check out the tabs at the top of my blog . We did a grand total of 14 treatment cycles in the span of a couple of years - - 6 IUIs , 2 IVF / ICSI . We faced a miscarriage as the result of our first IVF cycle , but were blessed with twins from our second round . This blog chronicles our journey to our boys , the stories of their childhood , and perhaps someday will share our journey to a sibling for these sweet boys of ours ! View my complete profile
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It 's 6 : 30am and typically I 'd still be sleeping . But today , I 'm wide awake , lying in bed , stomach in knots , and praying to God that I 'll have the energy to make it through a 17 hour day . I know that today will easily end up being one of the most exhausting days of my life , but I 'm ready for it . I 've been waiting on this day for months , one could even say years . Later today , I 'll go to work for my typical 8 hour shift , but first , I 'll spend a few hours learning how an abortion clinic operates - from the inside . If the idea of observing at an abortion clinic isn 't enough for my mind to process , I won 't be observing at just any abortion clinic . No , I 'll be observing at the clinic owned and operated by Dr . Leroy Carhart ( and staff , respectively ) . Dr . Carhart has been a major player in this movement for years , as he is one of the only remaining abortion providers offering late term abortion services . Because of the late term options he provides , he 's also spent years being the target of violent pro - life extremists , even falling victim to arson at his ranch in 1991 . The fire killed 17 of Dr . Carhart 's horses . Paintings of those horses now decorate the walls of his clinic . For the last few months , I 've held the title of " intake specialist " for the clinic . Simply put , this means that I obtain information , by phone , for women seeking Dr . Carhart 's services past 21 weeks gestation . In addition to this position , running this blog has also kept me involved in this movement ( albeit , on the outskirts ) for almost two years now . But for some reason , I feel that by exposing myself to the protestors who are bound to show on this particular morning , I 'm involving myself on a whole new level . By meeting these women face to face and hearing their stories and observing procedures , I feel like I 'm entering an entirely different arena . It 's a heavy feeling and I 'm intensely aware that by the time I leave the clinic today , the views that I 've spent the last three years defending could change . And stiPosted by If you 're up to date on your abortion research , you know that there are still countries in which abortion is strictly illegal . And the consequences can be severe , to say the least . The women who reside in these countries clearly don 't have many options when it comes to terminating pregnancies . A few weeks ago I received a message on the blog 's facebook page from a young girl who was desperate to end her pregnancy , but was in a country where it was illegal . She needed help . She was terrified . She came to me , a simple blogger for help . That should tell you just how desperately she needed resources . I knew of one possible resource for her . One option that I had learned of about a year earlier that I never thought I 'd have to utilize ( or help someone utilize ) . . . Women on Web . Women on Web is a website that , depending on whether or not a girl or woman meets certain requirements , can set a patient up with an online consultation with a doctor , and then can mail the women medications to end her pregnancy . As simple as it sounds , this one website is making a huge impact in the lives of desperate women . If you 'd like to contribute to this amazing organization , you can do so by visiting this link : https : / / www . womenonweb . org / en / donate . In order to run such an operation , they can use all the financing they can get . And women around the world will benefit from your generosity . About a week ago , right after my 6 year old started 1st grade , it occurred to me that this is the point at which we usually start telling our little girls that the boys on the playground are mean to them because they " like them " . A few years later , we start wondering why our daughters start choosing to spend their time with assholes . There 's something wrong here . For some reason , I can 't stop thinking about this . We ( as a society ) are teaching our daughters that it 's acceptable for boys ( or men ) to treat them like crap because it 's basically a sign of affection . What the hell are we thinking ? Personally , I want to teach my daughter to kick a boy in the shin if he 's mean to her on the playground . Of course , the school systems tend to get a little asshurt over those things these days . The last month of my life has been a whirlwind . I went from being a married housewife in Atlanta with three small children , to being a working , single mom of three about 5 minutes outside of Omaha . To say that my life is changing is the understatement of the century . I could look at all these changes in a negative way , but I 'm choosing not to . I 'm choosing to look for the silver lining . And there are many : Since moving here , I 've made some of the best friends that I 've ever had . In fact , I would say that my family has expanded . I 've had the opportunity to meet someone I 've admired for years . I 'm finally getting the chance to see this amazing movement from the inside . And finally , I 'm spreading my wings for the first time in years . It 's the best , most terrifying , mind boggling feeling I 've ever had . It 's definitely a lot to wrap my mind around . In the first two weeks that I was here , I was invited to Dr . Carhart 's clinic on a day when there were no patients . I was able to get a behind - the - scenes look , and I 'll be honest . . . I was as giddy as a 14 year old meeting her favorite pop star . Lindsey ( Dr . Carhart 's nurse that I wrote about a few weeks ago ) , showed me around and loaded me down with all sorts of pro - choice gear . A week later , I went back to the clinic and was able to meet the man himself . Remember the giddy 14 year old ? Yeah . She was back in full force . I 'll admit , I was kind of star struck . He pulled me into an empty waiting room and asked me how I was doing ( he had already been filled in on my situation ) , asked me about my kids , the blog , and let me pick his brain a little . He was as amazing as I expected . He also offered to let me bring my kids out to his ranch sometime soon , since my daughter loves to ride . And the icing on the cake ? I got to watch his copy of After Tiller ( FINALLY ! Expect a post about that soon ! ) . Color me happy . This post doesn 't have a whole hell of a lot to do with abortion . But my life is changing . The posts may start coming a little slower . I hope you guys will stick around and keep sharing the blog and the page with your friends . I still have a lot to say ! If you google " Lindsey Creekmore " , all sorts of things will come up . Typical things like images of a bubbly girl with tattoos , Facebook profiles , a few blog entries . . . and then things start throwing you off . News articles from the likes of Operation Rescue , USA Today , The Huffington Post and more will start clogging your feed . You see , Lindsey isn 't your typical 30 - something year old . Lindsey isn 't your typical RN . Lindsey is employed by one of the world 's most infamous late term abortion providers , Leroy Carhart . And as if that weren 't enough , Lindsey only started working for Dr . Carhart after her former employer ( Dr . George Tiller of Wichita ) was murdered . Now that you know this , I bet it goes without saying that this girl faces her fair share of backlash from anti - choicers . However , this time around , it would appear that the attack is coming from the inside . Lindsey started working with Dr . Carhart in the late summer of 2009 and was in the running to become the clinic 's Director of Nursing . Within a few months , the clinic 's current DON ( who was supposed to be promoting to a higher position soon ) was showing noticeable resentment towards Lindsey . This soon turned into an ultimatum for Dr . Carhart - - he chose Lindsey . Even though it 's been a while since the former director of nursing left , it 's only been recently that her backlash has started . And now Lindsey 's nursing license is in jeopardy because of it . Of course this has less to do with Lindsey 's ability as a nurse ( which MANY previous co - workers will attest to . . . and trust me , I 've heard rave reviews over work ! ) , and more to do with a disgruntled former employee . The sad part of it is that anyone who is in this line of work understands that these workers have enough thrown at them on a daily basis , enough uphill battles to fight , and enough backlash from the pro - life side to wear on anyone . . . and yet , still , she chose to start this legal case . Every few months , I log onto Amazon in the hopes of digging up some new pro - choice jewel to read . It 's not often that something new pops up ( ironic , considering what a hot topic it is ) . But in late March , while I was on one of my searches , something new did pop up . Jailhouse Journal of an OB / GYN by Bruce S . Steir , M . D . From my prior experiences , I immediately thought " Hm , a pro - choice book written by the doctor himself . Probably a little graphic " . But still , onto my " wish list " it went . I tend to overload my wish list so my husband can see what I want when the holidays come around ; ) . I also got curious about the man himself , so of course , I turned to Google . What I found on Dr . Steir wasn 't what I expected . After all , from the title of his book , I knew he had done jailtime . I expected to find some gruesome past . What I found was an unfortunate mishap that could have happened to anyone in his position ( an unfortunate mishap combined with a serious miscarriage of justice ) . Being the pain in the ass pro - choice blogger that I am , I decided to take a chance and reach out to Dr . Steir . MUCH to my surprise , Dr . Steir was willing to MAIL me a copy of his book . I wasn 't sure what to think . . . had I contacted the right guy ? I mean , really . . . it 's not often that an author / doctor willingly offers to send you a copy of their book . But about a week later , there it was ! Okay , I admit . . . I still have the package he sent it in ( as close to an autographed copy I figured I 'd get ) . This book is extraordianary . You will be completely immersed in it . You will meet Bruce as a child , Bruce as a teen , Bruce as a medical student , Bruce as a Naval Officer , and finally . . . . Bruce as Dr . Steir : Warrior for Women . There was no gore to be read in this book . In fact , it focused mainly on his life leading up to his becoming an abortionist . And that was refreshing . It was refreshing to read of an abortion provider , AS A PERSON . And that 's what he did here - - he made sure that you knew him as a person , and not just by his profession . . . and certainly not just by his " crime " ( I use that word LOOSELY ) . So , it 's been a minute so I 've posted . Sorry about that ! There have been so many new developments in the news regarding women 's rights . . . . I 'm so behind ! Let 's go ahead and touch on the news about emergency contraception availability . Dear Judge Edward Korman , WAY TO GO ! ! ! ! For those of you who are more behind than I am , EC ( emergency contraception . . . morning after pill . . . Plan B ) is now available over the counter without age and point - of - sale restrictions . This means that a girl of any age can now go into her local pharmacy and purchase the morning after pill without fearing that she 'll have to jump through 52 hoops to get it . Of course , this also means that Republicans and pro - lifers are going bat shit crazy in an effort to stall or completely halt this decision from becoming practice . So far , Judge Korman has already called these attempts " frivolous " and I 'm thinking that maybe ( just maybe ) , this decision will stick ! North Dakota has passed a heartbeat bill . It will now be illegal to receive abortion services in the state of North Dakota if a fetal heartbeat is detected . In other words , most women are out of luck by say , 8 weeks . Some women won 't have a chance to receive abortion services because they won 't even know they 're pregnant until after a heartbeat is detectable . North Dakota House , go home , you 're drunk ! The case of Philadelphia abortion provider butcher , Kermit Gosnell , has been handed over to the jury . They are deliberating over an amazing 260 counts , including five counts of murder . Pro - lifers are having a field day using him in their arguments . I refuse to consider this man a provider , a helper of women and families . . . it 's a stretch for my mind to even associate the word , " doctor " , with this man . Meanwhile , on the personal side of things : Ever since my dad died , I 've felt more determined than ever to " start my life " , so to speak . This has left me making lots of lists . Things I want to do , things I want to accomplish , things I want to do within this movement , steps to do all of them . . . it goes on and on . This is somewhat ironic - - I 'm wanting to push my foot through the door of something that my dad did not support . Don 't get me wrong , my dad supported me . He was my biggest fan , he loved my writing . . . but he didn 't support abortion . He worried about me getting physically involved in the work . In the words of Lana Del Rey , it leaves me with a war on my mind . Am I really honoring my dad by living my life to the fullest and pushing hard for what I want , when what I want is something he didn 't support ? Well if you came to this blog because you 're not up for deep thinking , you were just sorely disappointed . Ha . In the meantime , I can 't even decide HOW I want to be involved in this industry . There are so many great ways to help and I don 't even know where to start to get involved . ( Cue input ) I won 't lie . I 'm kind of flattered that someone would put so much thought into insulting me based on one comment . Of course , that could be the mental disorder talking . Anyone remember that old saying , " You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar " ? That may not be it exactly , but you get the idea ( I 'm really not good with " old sayings " ) . It really baffles me as to why this hasn 't occurred to pro - lifers . Why not discuss your stance in a polite way ? Would that be so hard ? Are you so repulsed by my views that you have to immediately lay into me with name calling and belittling ? Honestly , I 've indulged in my fair share of bitching at the other side , but I usually reserve that for the people who are spewing blatant nonsense for the sake of shock factor . And really , there 's just no reason for that . Why use bullshit when your argument is legitimate ? Because of these kinds of pro - lifers , I am almost ashamed to say that I use to be strongly pro - life . I am ashamed to say that I was pretty damn arrogant about it , too . But I honestly believe that my beliefs came from my upbringing and were based on emotion and nothing more . Once I sat down and spent months doing the research for myself , my views changed . It 's still a hard topic for me sometimes , emotionally , but that makes it no less necessary of a service . TALK TO A PRO - LIFER . Don 't talk at them . Talk to them . Get their point of view , try to be understanding ( of course this doesn 't mean abandoning your own beliefs ) . And then share your 's . Nicely . Here 's the best part : If they start to get nasty , kill ' em with kindness . Why ? Because they won 't expect it . In fact , it 'll throw them for a complete loop . We 're not people , in the eyes of hardcore pro - lifers . We 're murderers . Abortion loving evil people . Change that . Make them see you as a person and not a target . The first week of June , 2009 , a clinic at 5101 East Kellogg Drive in Wichita closed . It was the end of an era . The closing came just one week after it 's owner , Dr . George Tiller , was shot and killed at point blank range in the foyer of his church . Since then , the building has sat alone , a solemn reminder to many of the wonderful doctor ( and warrior of women 's rights ) that a community and a movement , lost . This week , the clinic got a second chance and re - opened as South Wind Women 's Center . This is the first time since the death of Dr . Tiller that abortion has been readily available in Wichita . While they are not currently offering the late term services for fetal anomaly and maternal indication that Dr . Tiller 's practice provided , they are offering services up to 14 weeks . According to director ( and former employee of Dr . Tiller ) , Julie Burkhart , the next few months are crucial to the clinic 's success . While Wichita has been without an abortion provider nearly four years , the pro - life presence of Operation Rescue is still ever - present . As soon as word got out that the clinic was re - opening , OR has been working to put a stop to it all . This presents constant challenges to the clinic , it 's employees , and it 's clients . To say that South Wind needs all the support it can get , is an understatement . These hard workers of women 's rights need cheerleaders , encouragement , and all the " Way to go ! " s that they can get . Whether you believe in prayer , good vibes , or whatever . . . send them their way ! Let 's hope that this clinic can manage to navigate through the harassment without losing their stamina to deal with it and their desire to help women . Often , the abortion argument comes down to one question : When does a embryo / fetus / baby ( whichever term you prefer ) become a " person " ? According to Webster 's , there are 7 different definitions of a " person " . None of which include a scientific definition involving a embryo , fetus , or baby . The irritating truth is : There is no one definition of a person . There is no black and white answer . " Person " means different things to different people . For some people , the day they find out they 're pregnant , they consider themselves to have another person growing inside of them . Other people consider the first kick a sign of personhood . Others believe that a fetus is a person only after it 's born . In reality , emotion plays a big part in this answer . However , after that question is answered ( by each individual ) , the question of when one person is equal to another , or how long one person 's rights outweigh another 's . This is where the debate often gets heated . Again , this is often fueled by emotion . Even if one doesn 't feel emotion towards a possible child , one is likely to still feel very emotional when it comes to women 's rights and how far they should go ( or in some extreme cases , if they should even exist at all ) . On June 8th , 2002 , Carol Carr walked into her son 's nursing home and shot and killed them as they laid side by side in their room . Carol 's sons , Andy and Randy Carr , were in the last agonizing stages of Huntington 's disease . The same disease had already taken Carr 's husband , daughter , oldest son ( who killed himself when he learned that he had the disease ) and was then taking two of her other sons . Eventually , Carr 's youngest son was diagnosed , as well . Carr did not try to elude police , waiting in the lobby of the nursing home until they came and got her . One police officer reported that Carr begged him to kill her once she was placed in the squad car . He said he felt nothing but sympathy for her . Carr 's remaining son said that his mother did not act out of malice , but out of love . The overwhelming majority of people supported Carr . Even the lead detective in the case classified the deaths as " mercy killings " . Carol Carr ended up pleading guilty to assisted suicide ( which brings up a whole host of questions and discussions on it 's own ) . She was sentenced to 5 years in prison , but only served 14 months before being released on parole . As part of her parole , Carol Carr is not allowed to be the primary caregiver to her remaining son when his HD starts to progress . Understandable . I didn 't see my dad die . But I saw him suffer . I saw how scared he was . I saw how much pain he was in . I watched him struggle to breathe . I saw him after they sedated him because they said the pain alone would send his body into shock and kill him . As sad as it is , we know that baby making is not a perfect science . No matter how perfectly a woman carries a pregnancy , chromosomes and genes play a big role in producing a baby . And while it is amazing that we have the medical technology to detect these problems before a baby is born , it leaves women with a heavy , life altering choice to make . Some women choose to research and prepare for the issue that they 're about to take on , and then the baby is born and they embrace that new lifestyle and make it work the best they can . Others simply can 't handle it . Not because they 're not strong enough , but because they don 't have the heart to let their child suffer . Of course , a million and two other factors can come into play when making such a decision ( finances , living children , physical / mental effect to the mother , and more ) . For many , it is as simple as not wanting their child to suffer . I understand . As a mother , I would do anything to keep my children from suffering . I think any mother can relate to that . In 2002 , a mother in Georgia shot her two sons in their nursing home , claiming that she couldn 't stand to watch them deteriorate and suffer from Huntington 's disease any longer ( a more detailed post about that story to come ) . A surprising number of people backed her and had nothing but sympathy for her . Some would say she got off easy . Who can blame a mother for making the choice to save her child from suffering ? No one argues that this isn 't a devastating choice for a mother ( or family ) to have to make . The idea is gut wrenching . But sometimes life throws us curve balls . . . gives us choices that we have to make , no matter how hopeless or painful it may be . Is there ever an instance ( when it comes to terminations for medical reasons ) that you don 't support a woman 's right to terminate ? I didn 't hear about this book until a couple of months ago , and then I anxiously ordered it on Amazon . After reading a few reviews and quotes from the book , I was honestly nervous about what I was about to dive into . I read somewhere ( though I 'm drawing a blank at the moment ) that this book was not initially released in the United States , and now I see why . Because the one thing you should know about this book is that is is graphic . Dr . Magda Denes did not hold back in her descriptions of what she saw . Another thing you should know is that this publication is dated . Much of the lingo ( as well as techniques ) are outdated ( as you would expect with a book that is almost 40 years old ) . The book was published in 1976 after over a year of research ( and by the time it was published , the hospital that the book is based on , closed ) . One thing you have to remember about that time was that they were still performing saline abortions then . And a good portion of the book is dedicated to that . Because of that , I wouldn 't recommend this book to everyone . An interesting aspect of this book is that Dr . Denes ( a clinical psychologist who immigrated to NYC . She died in 1996 ) previously had an abortion . Of course , it took three visits to the hospital for her to work herself up to it . The first two times , she walked out , unsure of her decision . A time later , she returned to the same abortion hospital to observe , interview , and eventually publish this book . I like the fact that we 're reading these interviews and stories from a psychologist 's point of view . I think it puts a whole new element into what we 're reading . The book is broken down into different sections . The Hospital ( non - medical workers , policies , etc . ) , Saline Floor : Staff ( here she compiles information gathered on the individuals who worked on the saline floor ) , Saline Floor : Patients and Parents ( interviews and stories gathered from the girls and women undergoing saline abortions , as well as their parents , D & C Floor : Staff ( again , individuals who worked on the D & C floor ) , and finally D & C Floor : Patients , Parents , and Boyfriends ( same concept as the saline floor version ) . While interviewing the individuals , Dr . Denes is clearly " shrinking them " , so to speak . And you can pick up on her opinions in her writing . Some of the stories will leave you with a " What the hell . . . . ? " response , while others will leave you saddened and even frustrated . Many of the women who were interviewed for this book seemed pretty nonchalant about the whole ordeal . In other interviews , you can clearly pick up a sense of low self worth and women / girls using sex to get what they want . . . only to be left with the burden of aborting . It is a pretty intense , mind blowing read . One thing that stood out to me , is that many of the doctors who were interviewed for this book seem to possess a seriously warped view of women in general . Even the doctors who are married . They speak of their extra marital affairs as if they are nothing ( which may have been the norm back then ) , then treat some of their patients in a rough manner ( at least " rough " according to me ) . It is mind boggling . All in all , this is a good read . But between what you 're reading about ( in graphic detail ) , the interviews with doctors , patients , and parents , and your own opinion of it all . . . it 's a lot to wrap your mind around . Do not dive into this book expecting anything current . This book , as well as many of the techniques used , is outdated ( as previously stated ) . The best part for me was the psychological aspect . I like the little notes that Dr . Denes made while interviewing these people . I like her take on them . I also appreciate the fact that Dr . Denes can identify abortion as a necessary service , while at the same time having empathy about it . She seems to appreciate that while it 's needed , it 's also a sad occurrence . As you regular readers are probably picking up on . . . I feel like I can identify with her views on the matter . I 've been noticing a recurring topic among pro - lifers lately . Maybe I just missed it earlier . Maybe I blocked it out because it annoys the shit out of me . I 'm not really sure . But over the last few days , it 's come to my attention in the most irritating way . It seems that every pro - life argument leads to this man . " Well , if you support late term abortion , do you support Gosnell 's work ? " . . . . No . Just no . There are so many things wrong with this argument , I don 't even know where to start . But I guess I 'll start here : I consider this guy a fraud . A murderer , a skeeze , a liar , a greedy p . o . s . , but never . . . not once since I 've read his story have I considered him a " doctor " . Doctors help people , right ? Abortion providers help women , no ? Can a logical pro - lifer honestly look at the Gosnell case , and then look at someone like Dr . Tiller and actually think that the two compare ? Really ? On one hand , you have a man that had his office staffed by unqualified employees , a man who drugged women in order to " deal " with them , a man who delivered babies alive ( with no effort to stop the heart , etc . before the procedure ) and then " snipped " their spinal cords , and let 's not forget . . . a man who maintained a " medical facility " about as well as goldfish maintains it 's memory . On the other hand , you have a man who had highly qualified staff in place to handle the physical , emotional , and spiritual well being of the women that sought their help , a man who had buffers in place to make sure that women were sure of their decisions , and procedures in place to make sure that they these women were well taken care of at all times . How do the two compare ? They don 't . But this is what the pro - lifers ( who are clearly GRASPING at straws with the Gosnell argument ) don 't realize : Making abortion illegal won 't stop abortions ( Which brings to mind the fact that most pro - lifers are gun - toting Americans . . . and isn 't their argument that making guns illegal won 't take them off the streets ? Same concept here , people ) . But it will force women to seek out the grade of back - alley care that Gosnell provided . And I promise you , these bastards would come out of the woodwork if suddenly they realized that women were willing to pay top dollar for cut rate care . Gosnell " care " is what we 'll face if abortion is made illegal . Is that what we want for ourselves ? For our daughters , granddaughters , nieces , sisters , and friends ? There 's not even a question . . . if abortion is made illegal , Gosnell will become the " norm " . Throughout the month , I 'll be putting together an elaborate list of resources for unwanted pregnancies . Clinics , with personal reviews , contact info etc . . . adoption resources , government programs . . . you name it . If you have experience with any of the above , PLEASE consider sharing the information you have so my list will be complete - - not only with where to go , but with what to avoid . Late night ramblings . When I became pro - choice , I wasn 't sure what to expect . Obviously , my interactions with the pro - choice side hadn 't exactly been " rosy " before my conversion . And I realize that I 've got my own , unique pro - choice opinions . Once I started this blog , I expected that women who had had abortions would be wary of speaking with me , and that pro - choice organizations , activists , and the like would be more open to talking to me . Wrong . It was the exact opposite . Women were happy to share their stories with me . They were happy for the world ( or my small audience , at least ) to hear their stories and to open people 's minds to what " abortion " can really mean . However , when it came to getting in touch with clinic workers , activists , and women from pro - choice organizations , I didn 't have much luck . Many were much too busy to talk to a new blogger with a small following . Some were wary of my true intentions . Others just didn 't care to . I got lucky with one clinic worker , and she was nice enough to help me put together a piece for the anniversary of George Tiller 's death . I will be forever grateful to her for helping me navigate through the pro - choice community in my earlier days . Lately , my following has started to grow . Along with my " following " , my friend base in the pro - choice community has started growing , as well . Though , I can still sense some reluctance . It 's discouraging , but I can 't bring myself to give up pushing for interviews and connections . Because of my unique views on abortion , I feel like I could help bridge the gap between the two sides , and that 's important to me . Once a bridge is formed , the gap tends to lessen . I post tonight with a heavy heart and furious mind , as a family out of New York has lost their wife and daughter after a complication from a late term abortion ( due to a fetal anomaly ) . I know that this family was looking forward to meeting their daughter / granddaughter . And I know that their hearts had to break once they realized that the pregnancy was not meant to be . They had already named the baby . But to lose the baby 's mother , as well , during such an excruciating time is nothing short of salt being rubbed in a wound . This whole unfortunate ordeal breaks my heart . Unfortunately , when ANY medical procedure is done , risks are present , regardless of the procedure . With any SURGICAL procedure , the risk of death is always present . Always . Anytime that anesthesia is introduced , the risk is greater . The later in a pregnancy , the most risky the termination . That has nothing to do with the doctor performing it . Those are just the facts . So when the pro - life side decides to publish this poor young woman 's name , her husband 's name , her parents ' names , her employment information and the information as to how she died , as well as the " notes " taken from the pro - life harassment comity that happened to be stationed outside of a clinic , I get pretty pissed off . I know what it 's like to lose someone . And I know that if , during our time of acceptance and healing , someone posted personal information in a public forum , such as the INTERNET , there would be no place for them to hide . The ironic part of all of this is that the majority of the hard core pro - lifers who tend to do this sort of thing , claim to be a God fearing group of people , first and foremost . What person could think that it is morally acceptable to exploit this family 's tragedy in such a way ? For their own political agenda ? How is that okay ? How is that acceptable ? It 's not . In no way is that acceptable . It 's doing nothing other than causing pain : to this family in their time of sorrow and to this doctor who just lost a patient . I 've thought long and hard about whether to post links to this poor woman 's story . But I have decided not to . They are already getting so much exposure in such a private time , I don 't think it would be appropriate to spread this any father than it 's already gone . I realize this story can easily be found online ( because the pro - lifers have done such a fabulous job of spreading it like wildfire among themselves ) , but I * personally * do not wish to share . As I always say , anyone who knows me and has followed this blog knows that I used to be pro - life . Strongly pro - life . So I think that because I understand that side ( as much as it frustrates me now ) , I have pretty unique pro - choice views . And that tends to piss off some people . For example , I do think that there should be limitations . I think there should be a cut off for elective abortions , and a separate cut off for certain circumstances , such as medical reasons , rape , or incest . For those of you wondering why I 'm all for women being able to terminate late term due to rape or incest , it 's because many young girls are scared to speak up if they 've been a victim of rape or incest . Therefore , often there pregnancies are undetected by any adult until the girl is showing ( often not until 5 or 6 months , and even later than that for some girls ) . As far as medical reasons , often a fetal anomaly cannot be detected until the anatomy scan , which generally occurs between 18 - 20 weeks . Some women don 't even get ultrasounds before that point . Likewise , often maternal problems aren 't detected until later in the pregnancy either . My thoughts on limitations tend to irritate others in the pro - choice community . Everyone likes to say that it 's stupid for me to think that women would be flocking to their local abortion clinics to have abortions " just because " at 30 weeks . And that would be stupid . But here 's the thing : the world is full of stupid people . I do believe that there would be women ( not many , but still ) , who would terminate late term just because they were allowed to and certain circumstances have put them there ( think : martial separation late in a pregnancy . I don 't think this type of thing really makes sense as a reason to terminate ) . Call me anti - woman if you want . . . but that 's just how I feel about it . I don 't think it 's wrong for a woman to terminate because she simply doesn 't want to be pregnant , I just think that kind of abortion should happen ASAP ( which also leads me to point out that I believe the government should put some sort of help out there for these women , as the majority of insurance companies don 't cover abortions and some women can 't come up with a few hundred dollars in the instance of unintended pregnancy ) . As far as medical reasons - - I don 't believe that at 38 weeks , a womanWith all of that said , I do respect the feelings and opinions of my pro - choice friends . . . even the ones who believe abortion should be available on demand , with no restrictions . Because those are their opinions . And I believe that anyone who is willing to speak out on their true feelings on abortion ( an often emotionally charged issue ) , deserves respect . Period . This is not an easy topic to discuss these days . But the fact that it 's not easy doesn 't mean that we don 't need to be facing it . Our rights are in more danger now than they have been since the passing of Roe v Wade . Now is the time for us to speak up and speak out and work to preserve the rights that we have . Not only for ourselves , our friends , and sisters . . . but for future generations . For our children and their children . In order for this fight to be won , we have to respect each other in the battle . We 're all fighting for the same thing , regardless of whether or not our opinions of the details differ . We all believe that women should have the chance to make a choice : parent , adopt , abort . In recent years , the right to obtain a safe and legal abortion has been threatened by countless bills and laws restricting our access . While republicans haven 't had any luck outlawing abortion , they have been successful and making it nearly impossible to obtain one . However , up until now , we could at least take comfort in knowing that if we were the victims of rape or incest OR we were carrying a severely disabled child , we had the option of interrupting the pregnancy . This week alone , two shocking stories regarding states passing bills to restrict these types of abortions were released . The first , and probably most shocking , comes out of New Mexico . On Wednesday ( 1 / 23 ) , a republican lawmaker introduced a bill that would make it a crime to terminate a pregnancy that was the result of rape . Yes , you read that correctly . This bill would make it illegal for a woman who was raped and became pregnant to terminate the pregnancy . And how could anyone ever criminalize a woman for doing such a thing ? By saying that by terminating the pregnancy , she 's tampering with evidence ( I shit you not , people ) . How many things can you count in this bill that are SO wrong ? Not only would it be awful for someone to force a woman who 's been raped to carry her pregnancy to term . . . but then they 're going to turn around and use the baby as evidence in a sexual assault case ? No . Just no . I can 't imagine how this would benefit anyone : mother or child . The second story , which was released yesterday on BuzzFeed , says that several states are considering making it illegal for doctors to terminate pregnancies based on fetal anomaly . If Indiana passes the bill that was recently introduced there , terminating a pregnancy due to a fetal abnormality could land a doctor in prison for up to 8 years with a Class C felony on his record . There are so many things wrong with this . First of all , the idea of a couple deciding to make a baby , only to be devastated to find out that their child is suffering , or will not live a high quality life if they survive . . . it 's heart wrenching The only thing worse that I can imagine is a family not being able to make the decision to save their child from suffering , if they wish to do so . Carrying a child to term , only to watch them suffer and / or die once they leave the comfort of your womb could be enough to make a woman ( a mother ) crumble into nothing . It could certainly be equally detrimental to the father , and any other living children that the couple may have . Aside from the emotional damage that this could do to a family , is anyone considering the financial distress it could cause ? Just because a family is well off enough to support a healthy child does not mean that they will be able to financially support a special needs child ( or their funeral ) . In a matter of two weeks in the summer of 2012 , my 2 year old son ran up medical bills near $ 40 , 000 . What in the world could cost so much ? Ten days in the hospital , along with blood tests , MRI 's , ultrasounds , antibiotics , and the eventual draining for AN INFECTED LYMPH NODE ! I can 't imagine the financial stress that supporting a disabled or terminally ill child could cause to a family . Unfortunately , in today 's economy , we have to think about these things . It is safe to assume that getting an abortion will not be an easy process anytime soon . It seems that lawmakers are trying their hardest to throw as many roadblocks in the way as they can . . . and they 've been reasonably successful in doing so . But that doesn 't mean that our fight is over . We have to keep fighting for women . We have to keep fighting for our daughters and grand daughters , our future unborn children who may be broken and suffering , for the right to say what happens to our own bodies . We have to keep fighting , and in order to do that , we have to keep talking . Early in 2011 , I posted about Kermit Gosnell . He was charged with with the deaths of seven infants and 1 woman . Most pro - lifers will argue that every single doctor who provides abortions should face the same charges . However , this case is so far beyond a man who provides abortion services . A new 20 minute documentary highlights exactly what happened behind closed doors in this inner city house of horrors . Since Roe v . Wade was passed , woman have had access ( though often difficult to obtain ) to safe , legal abortions . And by " safe " , I mean . . . abortions who are provided by a licensed doctor , in a clean setting , with sterile instruments . The procedures can be done in a number of ways which are often done before the baby has the brain waves / nervous system to make it capable of feeling pain . And once the brain and nervous system has developed to such a point , measures are taken to make the procedure as safe as possible for the baby . I can only imagine that what Kermit Gosnell did was comparable to back alley abortionists who were in it for nothing more than a quick buck . The Gosnell clinic was located in Philadelphia , in a lower - class neighborhood . Gosnell 's " typical " clientele has been described by some as " lower - class " , " poor " , " minorities " , or " under - educated " women . And while it 's often true that women who find themselves in desperate situations such as having no money and needing an abortion , will take a risk . I don 't think any one of the women who went to Gosnell ever imagined that they would have to be wary of such an experience . One woman ( former patient ) who appeared in the documentary describes an experience of seeing women who looked half dead ( from being given heavy drugs ) sitting in the waiting room , blood spattered walls and floors , blood crusted recliners , and a forceful doctor who refused to let her up off the bed when she changed her mind about the abortion . Instead , he put her to sleep and performed the procedure anyway . She is no longer able to have children . A clinic worker ( who was in no way qualified to do anything other than maybe answer phones and make appointments ) snapped cell phone pictures of two of the babies that Gosnell " aborted " ( And by " aborted " , I mean delivered alive at full term , shoved scissors into the base of their skulls and then " snipped " their spinal cords . . . a technique that he called " snipping " ) . These pictures are included in the documentary and are VERY graphic . Through the years , two women 's deaths were reported to the health department , along with a woman who suffered perforated uterus . . . but no investigation was done - - with any of them . The last time an employee from the Department of Health physically visited the clinic ? 1993 . Not only is Gosnell and his staff at fault , the city should be held accountable as well , or at least the Department of Health . It 's also interesting to note that Gosnell had one exclusive procedure room that he used for white women . It was reportedly cleaner and nicer than the others , because as he put it " That 's the way of the world . Young white women are more likely to tell " . The whole ordeal is despicable . This man was not in the business to help women . Nor was he concerned about providing mercy to babies who were suffering . This man would do any abortion , at any time through the pregnancy , for ANY reason . If you were due the day BEFORE you went to him , he would still provide his " services " . The only thing that mattered was the money . Today , on the 40th anniversary of Roe v . Wade , it 's so important to remember that if we lose this right to do what we wish with our bodies , there is a very real possibility that this " quality " of care could become the norm for women who need abortion services . These kinds of scary stories are the kind of thing that people heard before we had the legal right to choose . Do we really want to go back to seeing this type of operation regularly ? Making abortion illegal won 't stop it . But more people will die . You can watch the documentary , 3801 Lancaster here . But PLEASE be advised that this video is extremely graphic . I would not recommend it for post abortive women , queasy individuals , rape victims , or women who have experienced any kind of pregnancy / infant / child loss . Posted by 40 years after the Supreme Court ruled in favor of women 's rights , there have been plenty of setbacks . Doctors who are legally providing abortions have been murdered in cold blood by people who claim to value and respect life . The offices of these doctors have been bombed . Women who seek these services have been harassed relentlessly . Aside from cleaner conditions and the legal red tape , the passing of Roe vs Wade actually seems to have made the task of seeking an abortion even harder . Before abortion was legal , the biggest concern was the health risk posed by having the procedure done by someone who may or may not be experienced and in less than sterile conditions , at that . Now , of course , women can access abortions ( if they have the monetary means to pay for the procedure and possible traveling involved for many women ) that are legal and safe , without the fear of legal prosecution . But at what emotional cost ? Many women describe feeling like a criminal while trying to obtain their legal abortion . At most clinics , women are subjected to things like metal detectors and armed security guards . Women have shared stories online of having protesters screaming in their faces as they walk into clinics , or blocking their cars in the clinic driveways . Clinic workers constantly deal with their personal information being distributed publicly . And abortionists themselves have resorted to all sorts of precautions , including wearing bullet proof vests and driving armored vehicles . All of these precautions are necessary for a legal , medical procedure . All of these barriers are broken because of a legal , medical procedure . And what 's being done ? Hardly anything . And usually nothing preventative . So how much good has Roe vs . Wade done ? Of course women who would have otherwise died in filthy conditions have been able to have a safe abortion . But how healthy is it for a woman to be emotionally tormented when being exposed to these extremists ? If the decision is made to make ( and keep ) abortion legal , the decision should also be made to protect the women who are accessing this legal option . Back when all the possible republican candidates were hashing it out for the coveted role of " THE republican candidate " , I came across a story while doing my typical research and reading on abortion and the like . The article was called , Rick Santorum : Meet My Son . The article was written by writer Emily Rapp . If you remember , Rick Santorum is a passionate pro - lifer , despite the fact that his own wife had to have an induction to terminate a pregnancy to save her own life back in 1996 . Emily 's article describes the gut wrenching process of having to watch her son , Ronan , die a slow and awful death due to Tay - Sachs . While pregnant , Emily underwent prenatal testing , but the tests came back negative for Tay - Sachs . In the incredibly honest article , Emily says that had she known that her son had Tay - Sachs , she would have terminated her pregnancy . Not because she only wanted a " perfect " child , but because she was already so in love with her unborn child that the idea of allowing him or her to suffer was unbearable . You can read more about Tay - Sachs here . Right now , Ronan is blind , paralyzed , and growing less responsive by the day . " Thanks for all the positive thoughts , folks , and for thinking of Ronan . I really appreciate it . Rones is taking fluids and meds through an ng tube ( through his nose ) for comfort care and hydration because he can no longer swallow and had a day of extreme respiratory distress . It was a terrible decision to make but felt like the right one . He is able to taste small bits of food . His body is slowing down . He is never without people who love him . xo " As a mother , I can 't imagine what Emily is going through . Having to watch your child suffer and deteriorate over a period of a few years would be unbearable , but she 's done it , because her first priority is Ronan . I have no idea if she is relieved , for his sake , that they are at the end of the line , or if this is the worst time of her life . . or both . But I think it 's safe to say that regardless , she needs all the prayers she can get . And Ronan certainly needs all the prayers that he can get . Prayers for a comfortable passing for Ronan , prayers for healing for Emily , prayers for strength for the whole family . Anytime there is mention of the term " pro - life " or " pro - choice " , people immediately have a strong reaction . Some people get uncomfortable . Some people jump at the chance to defend their stance . Others jump to vilify your 's . In a world of black and white issues , pro - life and pro - choice are simple : You 're either against abortion or you 're for it . But the problem with that reasoning is that our world is never that simple . The truth is , 99 % of the time , life is one big gray area . Every situation has it 's own issues , it 's own difficulties . No two cases are the same . So how does one decide whether they are pro - life or pro - choice ? Many people are raised in a pro - life household ( often due to religion ) . And therefore , those people often feel ashamed to consider themselves pro - choice . Some people are so saddened and angered by the idea of a woman having an abortion , that they don 't take the time to consider what being pro - choice actually means . I was one of these people . I was raised in a Christian household where sex before marriage was wrong , homosexuality was unforgivable , and abortion was an unspeakable act . I felt strongly that a woman who had an abortion was a " certain kind " of woman ( or girl ) who was irresponsible enough to get herself into a " situation " . I also felt such sympathy for the unborn baby . The funny part is that I ended up realizing that I was not only pro - choice , but strongly pro - choice while doing research for a paper that was intended to discourage people from supporting the pro - choice side of the fence . However , the sympathy for the unborn child is still there . As a mother myself , I don 't think that will ever go away . It is important to note that while I absolutely feel that abortion should be kept safe and legal , it is always a sad occurrence , in my opinion . It was hard to realize that I was having second thoughts about my pro - life stance . I felt awful , like an accessory to murder . But then I realized . . . being pro - choice didn 't make me pro - abortion . It didn 't mean that the idea of abortion thrilled me . After all , I was pregnant during three times in my life when plenty of women would have considered ( or even gone through with ) abortion . The first time , I was only 4 months into marriage , without resources , and completely unprepared to be a parent . The second , I went through a separation ( almost divorce ) . And the third time , I was on birth control and not planning on another child for at LEAST a few years . I could have terminated any of those pregnancies . But I made the CHOICE to carry them , to have them , to love them . I had a choice to do that , and I was grateful for it . Women in China don 't have that choice ( aside from the first time ) . They are forced to abort . And we deem that as " wrong " . So how can we see forcing a woman who can 't afford a child , who 's child is suffering and will certainly die , or who will die herself if she carries her pregnancy , to carry a pregnancy to term ? How do we justify that ? There are plenty of circumstances that most people don 't think about when they deem themselves pro - life . For example , what would these people do if they were faced with an ectopic pregnancy ? I 've heard lots of pro - life people refer to the removal of an ectopic pregnancy as a miscarriage . Not so . In rare cases , women ( and their babies ) have been known to survive an ectopic pregnancy . So , when a woman consents to having it removed ( if the fetus is still alive ) , she is making the decision to terminate the pregnancy . My own mother made this decision at one point in her life . Because in most cases , the baby will die , and the mother can as well . . . people like to refer to this " removal " as a miscarriage , but in reality , unless the fetus has already died , it is in fact an abortion . It is , however , considered a " medically necessary " termination ( obviously ) . What about women who purposely get pregnant , only to find out that something awful is wrong with their child ? That their child is suffering ? That their child won 't live outside the womb for more than a few torturous minutes ? If they make the decision to have an abortion . . . are they evil ? I don 't think so . Especially if there are other children involved , or the mother 's life is in danger , or the baby is suffering in - utero . This is a major decision that requires serious contemplation of many factors . Of course , if they choose to carry the pregnancy as far as they can in order to meet their child and resolve the idea of never - ending " what - ifs " , they are more than entitled to do so . That 's the beauty of it - - it 's their CHOICE . I know a few girls who were raped . If they had become pregnant as a result , I can absolutely understand why they would choose to terminate . Likewise , I would understand if they chose to carry , as well . Again . . . a CHOICE . The bottom line is this : No one likes the idea of a dead baby . No one gets the warm and fuzzies from thinking about it . No one aspires to abort . But life happens . It 's as frustratingly simple as that . Baby making isn 't a perfect science . Life isn 't a walk in the park . I wouldn 't want my choice to carry a pregnant to term to be taken away . And I wouldn 't want the choice to end a pregnancy taken away for me , my daughter , or for other women . Because sometimes life happens and it isn 't pretty . Sometimes it 's just a mess . And depending on what you are capable of , as a woman ( or partner ) , you deserve to make the choice yourself . Am I against putting limitations on this choice ? Nope . I do not believe a woman should be able to decide at 35 weeks pregnant that she just doesn 't want to be a mother . I believe that this decision is one of MONUMENTAL responsibility and should be treated as such . Whether it 's an early abortion or a late term abortion , it should be given an immense amount of thought . . . because it 's something that you have to live with for the rest of your life . And despite the fact that you may choose to terminate your pregnancy , this is the first decision that you will make as a mother . You will ultimately decide if your child will suffer or thrive , if you can support a child , if you feel comfortable letting someone else have your child . . . . you will decide , for you . . . and for your child .
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Today seemed like a nice day to go back in time - equipmentally speaking - so before my round at the Plateau Club with Paul , I pulled out my Nike Pro Combo irons and replaced them with my older Cleveland TA5 irons . The goal was to see how hitting some " easier " irons would do now that I was pretty consistent with the Pro Combos . For those who don 't know , the TA5s are generally referred to as game improvement irons , they have a wider sole than my pro combos and are a bit bigger . This makes it a bit tougher to hit them fat and the extra weight under them should get the ball up quicker . I started out at the range and was hitting them great . Each shot flew high and straight . I was able to work them left and right much better than I could before I used the Pro Combos . I felt really relaxed as well , which was nice . We started on the back 9 today and it started out pretty average . A couple of bogeys but good iron shots . Then on 12 I hit the green in regulation ( something I didn 't do at all last week ) and two putted for a par . On 13 , I missed the green in regulation by about 12 inches and still got the par . On 14 , I sliced my tee shot but it bounced off a tree and back to the fairway ( phew ! ) . I was able to come away with a bogey there too so after 5 holes , I 'm only + 3 . At this point , I 'm actully tied with Paul . Whoa . Now hole 15 at the Plateau Club is subject to some sort of weird voodoo . While it is only about 150 yards downhill , it plays closer to 160 and it is pretty narrow and requires a carry shot over a bunch of evil junk . Usually it is a 5 iron to make it to the green for me , but I don 't trust my 5 iron that much , so bad things happen to me . Today I felt more confident with the TA5s , though , so I took my 5 iron and hit a beautiful shot . . . until it sailed the green by about 20 yards . At least it wasn 't short and in the junk though . This is where the round started to fall apart for a bit . From this point through through 18 I lost my focus . I think I was just thinking about pizza or something but I had a hard time getting my driver or putter to work for me . At the turn , I got a snack and things came back into focus again . On the first hole I again hit the green in regulation and got a par . By the end of the 5th hole , I was right at even bogey golf again and I wanted to do better than last week 's 89 so I set a goal . 2 pars and 2 bogeys for the last 4 holes . On 6 I hit my second shot into the water and ended up with double bogey . So much for that game . On 7 I hit the green in regulation and 2 putted for a par . Same thing for 8 . OK , I got the two pars , but now I need to get a 3rd par to make up for the double on 6 . Sure enough , my third shot hit the green and I 2 putted for a third consecutive par and a final score of 88 . Yeah ! I lost 4 balls during my " unfocused " holes but on the rest of them I was making good shots from the from tee to green , so I was pretty happy with today 's round . The TA5s were a nice change of pace , I may try them again next week just to see how it goes . When it is wet on the course - - like it will be for the next 8 months - - having a more forgiving set of irons should be helpful . Duffergeek Stat Zone : Score : 88 ( 13 . 868 round rating ) Clearly this is a monumental event . The moon even disappeared for the last half of the game ! So now a Massachusetts team has won the Super Bowl and the World Series this year . Let 's see . What other major event could a team from Massachusetts win this year . . . OK , so according to the IAEA , 380 tons of explosives are missing from an Iraqi military facility . I 'm pretty sure that is a lot . Let 's see - - 2000 pounds in one ton - - that 's 760 , 000 pounds of explosives . This isn 't the box of dynamite that goes missing when some guy wants to dig up his back yard . Moving 380 tons of explosives requires - - a coordinated effort . Removing it from a facility that the US has known about for many years and was one of the places that the weapons inspectors visited time and time again - - man it must have taken thousands of people to get through all of that security . But that couldn 't be the case right ? I mean we went there to keep terrorists from getting the weapons of mass destruction . This is the exact kind of thing that we would keep a close eye on , right ? Oh . . . wait . . . There 's a loophole here . Do you see it ? See our goal was to keep them from getting weapons of mass destruction but we didn 't say anything about massive weapons of destruction . Do you see the difference ? I am my own IT ( Information Technology ) manager at home . I don 't like that job , but it is my own fault for setting up a network requiring 3 servers for various services ( mail , DNS , web hosting , file serving , home automation , media server , blah , blah . . . ) and a number of client machines and devices strewn around the house . As time goes by , the list of things I need to deal with gets so long that I need to take a weekend to fix as many of the issues as possible . This was one of those weekends . So I went to Fry 's yesterday and ComputerStop today to get miscellaneous parts , spent hours last night rebuilding the server , and more hours this afternoon doing a complete reinstall of the server ( it turns out the perf problem was the hard drive ) then reconfiguring all of the services on the machine . Of course , it didn 't go flawlessly . My ethernet port on the server is unable to connect to anything when it has a static IP address ( WHY ? ) Mail server wouldn 't start up ( WHY ? ) There is a scripting error on one of my web sites but it doesn 't show the right error messages ( WHY ? ) I played at the Plateau Club with Paul today . It was a good round , puncuated by a remarkable statistic . Zero penalties / lost balls . None . Finished the 18 holes with the same balls that I started with . I don 't think that has ever happened before . It helped that I hit 11 of 14 fairways . And even though my irons weren 't doing great , they were at least pretty straight - - just a bit chunky from time to time . Unfortuately this led to the bad statistic of the day , zero greens in regulation . I was able to scramble pretty well and came away with 5 pars but no GIRs . After a surprising par on 13 ( thanks to a long one putt ) I decided that I wanted to make 2 more pars before I finished . I made another long putt on 14 and was halfway there . Then on 15 I missed the par putt by about 5 inches . On 16 I hit a great tee shot and second shot and again missed the par putt by inches . On the par 5 17th I had a great tee shot to the middle of the fairway , then I nailed my 3 iron to about 67 yards . I had hit this < 70 yard shot three or four times today so I thought I had it . I hit the wedge , it was perfectly on line , but it was a few yards too long and bounced off the back of the raised green . DANG ! Just missed the par putt again . On 18 I had a great drive , but my second shot ended up in the bunker just short of the green . Bogey again . Didn 't quite hit the goal , but I was glad to be putting for par on all of those holes . If I clean up those iron shots , it will clearly make a big difference . I bought some shares of Google today . I meant to do it a while ago but it seemed a bit over priced . Then it went up 70 % , so now seems like the perfect time to get in . I started watching the playoffs in the 5th inning of game 4 . I figured I would watch it all end that game and grumble about the Red Sox blowing it again . Then something happened that was quite unexpected . It turned into a real game . A good game ! I drove home listening to the 11th inning on my XM radio and then watched them win it in the 12th . Cool ! Then I was hooked . For the next 3 nights , I drove home listening to the game on XM and then watching them somehow pull it out . Man , that was fun ! I love an underdog story , but it is much better when it is the Sox beating the Yankees ! I was hoping that the Astros would make it into the World Series as well , then it would be a big metaphor for the presidential election . That means , of course , that the Cardinals will win game 7 tonight . Posted by I started out at the range and couldn 't hit anything very well . When we headed to the first tee , though , after taking advantage of a flexible " start of round " ruling , I had a nice tee shot to the left half of the fairway , followed by a three wood across the junk to the fairway and a wedge onto the green . Whoa . Two putts later , I was off and running at even par . On the second hole , I had a good tee shot to about 150 yards . Lately , I have not been getting my normal distance off of my irons , and with the rain I figured that I should take an extra club to make sure I got to the green . I nailed the 6 iron and it flew past the green and up onto the hill behind the green . Huh ? I was making really good contact and getting good distance even in the yucky weather . Neat ! I got out of 2 with a bogey . The rest of the front 9 was pretty consistent . If I hit a bad shot ( like the crappy little dribbler on 5 , I would make up for it in a later shot . Putting , in particular , was really working for me today and I turned a lot of potential double bogeys into singles on the front 9 finshing with a 45 - perfect bogey golf and right on my handicap at the Plat . Side note : I have a nice Gortex jacket that keeps me warm and dry when we play in the rain , but I have found it is really hard for me to do a full swing when I am wearing it , so for the first 9 holes I kept taking off my jacket in the pouring rain for each full shot , then putting it back on after the shot . What a pain ! At the turn I stopped by the pro shop and picked up a short sleave rain shirt and that made it much easier for the second half of the day . On the back 9 , things started to click . I had a great approach shot on 11 from about 170 yards which stopped about 9 feet from the pin and I made par there . Same thing on 13 . Even when I had some really bad shots on 14 and 16 , I was still able to come away with double bogey and offset it on the next hole with a par . So I came to 18 at 15 over . Now 18 is where many good scores have gone awry and today looked like it would follow that pattern . I pulled my 3 wood into the trees and while it is possible for it to get through if it misses all of the trees , I heard a couple of " click " s as it went through . I figured I would go look and see if I was lucky enough to make it through . Sure enough , the ball made it through and was sitting in the fairway with only 150 yards to the pin . I got a bit distracted with Amsterdam stories and messed up my approach shot but my next wedge flew between a couple of branches and landed softly 10 feet from the hole . As it had happened earlier in the day , the putt rolled true and while it tried to lip out , it ended up falling backwards into the hole for back to back closing pars and a total score of 87 . This is my second best score from the golds at the Plat . Despite the weather , I was feeling pretty relaxed all day long and that paid off . Having only 30 putts and one penalty helped a lot as well . Some moron sent out a crapload of spam with my work email as the return address so he didn 't have to deal with the bounces . I 've gotten about 3500 bounce mails so far today and they are still coming in . Just for that , I 'm not going to go visit his website . Update - 10 / 12 / 04 8 : 45 am . Now up to 6500 bounce mails . There should be a special place in hell for these people . Sahalee Country Club was the site of the 1998 PGA Championship tournament and the NEC World Golf Championship in 2002 . It will host the 2010 PGA Championship . It is also practically in my backyard . Given this , it is odd that even though I have lived here for over four years , I had never played there until today . Alex 's friend Kat ( who is now Paul 's and my friend as well ) arranged for us to play with a co - worker of hers who is a member and past president of Sahalee . Today was that round and it was a lot of fun . Now I 've played Sahalee many times before if you count the Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2004 video game on XBox . In fact , I played it this morning and shot a 63 so it was a bit of a shock to play it for real and not be able to hit the ball 380 yards like I can on the XBox . This certainly had some impact on my score . In fact , I have a whole list of excuses why my score would not be so great today in " real " golf : Paul and I warmed up a bit at the Plat before heading over to Sahalee . We then met Bob and had lunch and then warmed up some more . The course , the clubhouse , the practice facility are all top notch . It is a beautiful course in excellent condition and it really was a joy to play . That said , I had a ton of double bogeys today . Many of them were because my driver was consistently right for the front 9 and my irons were a bit chunky . I was mister 2 putt though and my chipping was not bad . My overall score was 99 which included only 1 par ( on 18 ) , hitting 2 GIRs and only 5 fairways . Yuck . The fun part , though , was that even playing like I was today , I did not lose balls . When I hit a bad shot , I would find the ball , just in the trees somewhere and I would need some sort of interesting recovery shot to get back into the fairway . That is much more fun than just having to drop a new ball . On the 4 holes where I needed to hit a provisional , I always found my ball and didn 't need the provisional . In fact , the only time I lost a ball was when I hit a fat tee shot into the water on 17 . If I had played like I did today at the Plateau , I would have lost at least 2 sleeves of balls and scored much worse with the penalty shots . The good news is that I know I can do a lot better at that course . It is extremely fair and if I just had a better game off the tee today , I would probably have shot something closer to 89 . Paul , on the other hand , was on fire today . 3 double bogeys , 1 bogey and 14 pars for a 79 . He had a great day . The net is that it is an excellent course in fantastic condition and I am looking forward to playing there again at some point . Hopefully soon : ) While we were walking around the various towns along the Rhein and Mosel rivers in Germany one thought kept occuring to us . This is the best Disney ever ! Everything looks so authentic , yet we never saw the cast member signs or anything that was obviously animatronic . The food was so much better than the usual Disney park restaurants and no matter how far we walked , I never could see Spaceship Earth . In general , everyone kept to their accents and nearly everyone spoke German . The buildings were huge and didn 't display the forced perspective that you usually see at Disney theme parks . I don 't know how they made the rivers appear so long ! It seems like we drove for miles and miles and we would occasionally see the same boats but the scenery always was new . Truly a feat of imagineering excellence ! Team Duffergeek headed off north , missing the turn to the highway but based on previous explorations knew that the more scenic route was just as fast . After a few kilometers , they turned west and headed across the countryside to meet up with highway 61 . Once on 61 , the fun of Germany highway driving really took effect . Averaging in the 160 to 170 kph range Team Duffergeek was in the zone and the Mercedes wagon was happily humming along . Through some excellent navigation and a series of accidental optimizations , Team Duffergeek was able to avoid much of the traffic that slowed the other teams . Team Duffergeek arrived at the airport only about 3 minutes behind Team Rick and could have made a beeline to the finish line at the gate , but they needed to wait for Team Tomasz to get to the airport and collect their bags . An unfortunate yielding that could spell doom to TD 's chances of winning . Team Tomasz rolled in about 15 minutes later and the Team Duffergeek contingent was off and running for the airport . They checked their bags just behind Team Rick and headed for the gate . Team Rick chose this opportunity to eat breakfast , leaving the perfect opening for Team Duffergeek to race to the gate and the championship ! The flights that followed were long , though uneventful . The flight from Dusseldorf to Copenhagen was on a turbo prop and the vibrations made my seat feel kind of like an iJoy . My iPod slid across my iTrayTable from the vibrarions , dancing to it 's own rhythms . When we got to Copenhagen , everyone had their own seats on the flight back to Seattle , except for the Poo . He had to wait for a seat assignment while the rest of us got through to the gate . Still no sign of the Poo as we boarded the plane . I did see the other Davids who were in Economy Plus get bumped up to business class but it wasn 't until after we had taken off that Lara and I headed up to see if the Poo had also been afforded such luxury due to his name also being David . Sure enough , there they all were , looking quite content with their business class socks on . Throughout the flight they would occasionally come back to the slums and visit ( and gloat ) . We did guilt them into bringing us back a couple of cookies . The rest of us in cattle class would meet in " The Spa " between movies . The Spa was the back galley of the plane - - part of the floor next to the emergency exit was very warm and just a few steps away it was much cooler , so we would take turns warming and cooling our feet while chatting . It sure beat sitting in the chairs for 10 hours . A bunch of us took a couple of days after the end of Photokina to drive around the Rhein valley area of Germany and take a bunch of pictures . There were actually 12 of us and we rented 3 cars and split into groups of 4 . We left Cologne on Monday and headed down to Boppard , a small town on the Rhein river just south of Koblenz . Once we all checked in to the hotel , we had lunch together to figure out where we would go next . We decided that each car would head off in their own direction because each group was looking for something a little different . David ( the Poo ) , Rob and Lara were in my car and we decided to drive down along the Rhein to the town of Bingen because we read about a tower called the Mouse Tower . Apparently , many years ago the archbishop of Mayence , who was a pretty evil guy , escaped to this tower and was there devoured alive by mice . Along the way , we saw many castles and at first we would stop and take pictures of each one . After about 10 or so , it started to lose its novelty and we would just call out " castle ! " whenever we saw one . We made it down to Bingen and found the Mouse Tower and we took many pictures of it . The sun was getting ready to set so we waited a while to see if the light got better but it never really did . Across from the Mouse Tower is a large vineyard growing Reisling grapes . Not surprisingly , we took a lot of pictures of that as well . On our way back , we took a random turn towards the town of Bacharach . No idea why we decided to turn here , but we were glad we did . Bacharach is a beautiful little town with lots of little alleys and walkways that go to interesting shops and restaurants . Up on the hill above a church is the ruins of the Werner chapel ( Wernerkapelle ) and the town is also surrounded by vineyards . We found a little restaurant along a raised walk that seemed to be hidden down a back alley . I have no idea how one would ordinarily find this place but it looked pretty good and we could sit outside and watch the river ( and trains ) go by so we gave it a try . We ordered 4 dishes and passed them around . The highlight was a wild boar dish that was fantastic , though the pork chop with bacon was also really good . The only dish that was so - so was the salmon and that is probably because we are pretty used to good salmon in Seattle . We walked around a bit more after dinner , with Rob trying to take some night shots of the town square , then we headed back up to Boppard for the night . On Tuesday , we decided to drive down along the Mosel river . Again there were many cute small towns and vineyards where we stopped to take pictures . One of the highlights was lunch in Klotten . There was an Italian Restaurant called Pizzeria de Giovanni mentioned on a sign and since that sounded pretty good , we headed that way . The pizza was really good - - authentic Italian pizza like I had in Rome a couple of years ago . The best part , though , was the fly . David ordered a latte and when he finished it , a fly landed on the edge of the cup and started drinking . Shortly afterwards , it started running around the edge of the cup really quickly . The caffeine was kicking in . Then it just sat there drinking more foam . We even moved the cup around to get a better picture of the fly but it would not leave the foam alone . Giovanni came by and shooed the fly away and at that point it started landing on us and not wanting to fly away . I 'm pretty sure it knew we were from Washington and it was asking us to take him home with us so he could go hang out at the numerous coffee shops in Seattle . He was really quite insistant but alas we left him behind and headed south towards Cochem . Cochem is somewhat larger than Klotten . The main thing that made us stop there was the Reichsburg castle high on the hill above the city . The castle was built in the twelfth century and was blown up in the 17th century but was rebuilt from the original plans in the 19th century and is now owned by the city of Cochem . We walked up the back way to the castle , past more vineyards and up to the castle gate . We took the tour , which was in German though they gave us a sheet of paper in English which explained pretty much what the tour guide would say about each room . Not surprisingly , we took a lot of pictures including panoramas of the Mosel river from the castle itself . After the tour , we walked around the town for a while and did a bit of shopping . While we seriously considered heading over to Belgium for dinner and dessert in Luxembourg , we instead headed back up to Boppard where the groups all met for dinner and relayed stories of our trips . This kind of trip is the best way to see Germany . We could go where we wanted to on our own schedule and there are so many interesting things to photograph . I could definitely see doing a much longer trip like this in the future , perhaps heading further south to Munich and into Switzerland . I was surprised at how easy it was to get around and to communicate with people even though we had heard it was harder to find English speakers outside of the big cities . The fact is , though , that we could figure enough German out to order food and go shopping and the roads and towns are well enough marked that it wasn 't hard to figure out where we were . Renting a car in Germany is different than what I am used to . It took a while to find the Avis office since it is tucked away in the train station but once we found it , signing up for the car was no problem . We rented 3 cars so there were 3 of us picking them up . The guy at the counter said " ok , let 's go find your cars . " We walked out of the train station and walked a block down the street . He handed me a key and said , " Your car is down this street and around the bend , it is at a gas station . The next car is down a different street , then left and then another block or so . The third car is about two blocks that way . Good luck ! " and he left . It turns out that he was right and I found my Mercedes station wagon waiting for me ( nice car ! ) . I unlocked the door , plugged in the keyless key and started it up . Then I stepped on the gas and was driving in Germany . Now the roads here are crazy . They don 't go straight but they are often one way , it is kind of like driving in Boston , only with all of the signs in German . I was trying to get back to my hotel which on a map looks like you take a right and then a left and you 're on a bridge . Here , though , I needed to take two lefts and then two rights to get on the bridge . I did the first 3 steps correctly but took the first right instead of the second one and ended up going the wrong direction . Oh no ! I 'm lost ! The street is one way , there are no left turns , I can 't even see where the traffic that wanted to go in the other direction is . When you are going the wrong direction , the signs don 't ever mention where you want to go . After a little way , I found a left turn light and then I made another left and started to see signs with the word brücke which means bridge . OOOooo . . . good sign ! I eventually wound my way over to the correct bridge going in the right direction and I did a little celebratory dance in the car . From that point on , it was no problem getting back to the hotel . Mt . St . Helens has started erupting again , and I am on the wrong continent to follow it , but the forestry service has a webcam at the Johnson Ridge Observatory that let 's you see the latest pictures from the volcano . I went to the Johnson Ridge Observatory with Kate 's class a couple of years ago . It is one of those places that gives you a sense of the power of the volcano . One of the rangers pointed out a discolored piece of rock on a hillside about 8 miles from the volcano . He said that the discoloration was actually a large piece of the top of Mt St Helens which was blasted all the way over there during the 1980 eruption . Johnson Ridge is definitely a great place to visit - - but not today . Some of us had a free day on Friday so we took the train to Amsterdam to see what it was like . Some other people from our group had been the day before and regaled us with their adventures at some of Amsterdam 's more ' scenic ' locations . Eric said that while they all brought their passports , they had never needed to show them so we might not even need to bring them . So five of us headed out early on Friday morning on the express train to Amsterdam which took about 2 . 5 hours to get there . About 1 / 2 way along the trip , the passport control officers came through the train asking for our passports . I had figured that I should bring mine in case of emergency , so did Lara and David ( the poo ) but Jordan and David ( skippy ) didn 't bring theirs . The look of panic on their face was priceless . We showed them our passports , Jordan explained that he didn 't have his but he showed them his drivers license which seemed to be ok but David , had absolutely no photo id on him at all . After a minute or so of us vouching for him , they gave up and continued on . I also brought up that the EU website mentions that you don 't need a passport to go between EU countries but logic would state that you would have some sort of photo id in this day and age . . . So we got to Amsterdam and started to walk around . Wow , what an amazing city for taking pictures ! Open squares , small alleys with tons of character ( and characters ) , canals , museums , hundreds of thousands of bicycles . . . and that doesn 't even include the more " unusual " aspects of the city . It seemed like there was a cool picture to take around every corner . I 'm still working through all of the pictures I took but I 'll post some later . On the first day of the Photokina tradeshow in Germany I was working in our booth showing off the editing features of Digital Image Pro . Now , at a tradeshow in Germany you get a lot of German speaking people ( weird , huh ? ) so there was also a person at the booth with me from one of our international groups who spoke German . As the crowds began to grow , people would continously come up to me and start talking to me in German . This happened all day and while I would say that perhaps it isn 't that strange given my location , it started to get more common at places outside of the show . After the second night we took a tram to a restaurant in a different part of town . There are about 8 people from our group on the train and only a few other people . After a pretty short trip , a woman who appears to work for the train system gets on the train , looks straight at me and begins saying something that sounds pretty official . I have no clue what it is and as she leaves we all look around to see what other people do . One person gets off the train but everyone else stays seated . Odd . . . . Why did she look at me as she said this and not the rest of our group ? We press on . When the train gets to the next stop it stops . And the sudden lack of engine noise kinda indicates it isn 't going to start anytime soon . This must have been what she was trying to tell us about though I still don 't know what she said . After a minute or so , the train driver comes out and is about to get off - - bad sign ; ) We ask him what is going on and he says that the train can 't continue because there is a cathedral across the bridge that is broken . Huh ? How do you break a cathedral ? We get off the train and start walking towards our destination . Sure enough , we come to an intersection with a lot of emergency and constuction vehicles and a church tower that is distinctly leaning towards the road . We , of course , walked around that and eventually found our restaurant but the " Leaning Tower of Cologne " was on the front page of the newspapers the next day . Posted by
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' Been working hard on BrewSession for a few days and I 'd like to tell my readers ( or is it reader ? ) about it . I got the hop data Greg compiled and the BJCP style guidelines back into the database . It feels like an accomplishment because this data is critical to meaningful brewing software . Next up is to move my spreadsheet of yeast information into the database and re - compile the data I had about extras . Today is a holiday in the US so I will be hard at work on that . Our biggest data hurdle is finding malt information and putting it into a consistent format . Greg is working hard on that . Once all our data is loaded and backed up I believe BrewSession will be around one quarter complete . I was thinking about the ingredients table Greg designed . While it is good looking and we 'll definitely use it , I would rather see a very simple list to start with and give the option to have an " advanced view " . It occurred to me to let the user choose which columns they want to see . So I restarted work on BrewSession again with this prototype . It 's a work in progress , but a solid start . BrewSession is not off the ground in a professional capacity , therefore all the code is housed on a machine I have running on my home network . A week and a half ago that machine 's disk controller corrupted my data . Then I screwed up the backup copy of that data in the restore process . The data is almost surely still there , but it 's just beyond my knowledge system administration . I have acquaintances in the data - recovery business , so there is hope for a full restore . I am upset about losing 4 months worth of hard work because we were planing to have a private alpha test next month . However , now that I have sixteen weeks of ruby programming experience recreating the project will not be difficult . With luck we will be able to roll out our alpha in early spring , 2007 . All hop utilization formulas are " best fit " calculations to enpirical data - researchers look at results from their expirements and try to find an equation that best fits the data . This reality produces a few different ways to estimate the final bitterness in your beer . For BrewSession Greg and I decided to offer three bittering calculation methods . Daniels - Mosher is a somewhat new formula . In fact , I can 't find the formula referenced on the Internet ( speak up , Greg ) . We will be sure to include it with the others . Because we want to use the right tool for the right job , I devised some programatic logic to select a utilization calculation that best fits the hop as used in individual recipe bitterness calculations . Currently there is no regard for full v . partial boils , only hop form - all the information is there , so the code may change if there is a need . The code first checks to see if the user has a preferred calculation method and uses that if present . Failing that , BrewSession decides which method is better - Tinseth for whole and plug hops and Rager for pellets . If BrewSession can not figure out the hop 's form , it uses Daniels - Mosher . Unsure of where to best use D - M , I threw it as the " unknown " case . If you have ideas , hit the comments or drop me an email . Well , it 's over . One week ago tomorrow my thesis was due . Did I make it ? No . Was it anything having to do with me ? No again . Let me tell you what has been going on : For those of you who don 't know , I 've been massively , massively stressed since around June , when I realized that I needed to finish my thesis and graduate in December or I would lose a class . You see , San Jose State has a 7 year limit on classes - once a class is over 7 years old , you can no longer be used towards graduation units . I started SJSU in fall of 1999 . You do the math . Anyhow , in order to graduate and keep this from happening , I needed to finish my thesis . For some beautiful insight on my state of mind these past few months , read my last blog . I 've never been more stressed or more on edge that I was these last six weeks or so . So much so , that for the next several years at least I 'll be able to deal with any and all stressful situations by sighing and saying " Well , it 's bad , but it 's no Fall ' 06 . " That 's bad . Now , some background . I started SJSU in Fall 1999 after meeting with my advisor ( Dr . Jeff Honda - if you 've read my previous blog , or if you know me even a little , then you 've heard some version of my rant about Jeff . In short : he sucks ) . I felt very lucky - I was interested in forensic entomology , Jeff had just finished up a murder case and was all jazzed about forensic entomology , and he wanted graduate students who were self starters . Excellent ! I 'm not fond of being told what to do ( once again , anyone who knows me , or who has had to deal with me after a particularly bad day knows this . Try it some time … I dare you ) so this was going to be a perfect fit . Besides , I was finally going to be studying entomology exclusively ! Yay ! Jeff told me to take the first semester and get my bearings … take some classes , learn the ropes , that sort of thing , and then he and I would start working on my project . Neat ! So I did . That first semester was a bit rough . I didn 't exactly have the best study skills ( I 'm a graduate student ! I know this shit ! ) and while I did great in my larval taxonomy class , I completely failed microbiology . Failed failed failed ! It was ugly . However , it got me in gear and while I was on probation for the next semester , which meant I couldn 't teach which was surprisingly upsetting , I got my ass in gear and figured shit out . Besides , now I can tell my microbiology students that I failed that class , and I know how they can pass . They never believe me , but it 's still nice . Anyhow , I continue on in my credits and sit down with Jeff to figure out my project . It eventually gets going : a survey of forensically important flies in Santa Clara County . It was a neat concept - no one knew what fly species were common here , and since forensic entomology is gaining acceptance a survey would be a great thing . So I take the next most of the year figuring out how to get this field work going . Field work is unpredictable and hard - especially if you have to choose between going home and watching TV or hanging countless traps full of rotten liver water on steep mountain trails . So I procrastinated a bit , then got motivated , then procrastinated , then ran a variety of pilot studies , then procrastinated , then got my data . This whole time , Jeff vacillated between being annoyed that I wasn 't consulting him more and being annoyed that I was bothering him with stupid ( his word , not mine ) questions about silly things like project design and trapping methods . So I begin my project proper , which , at the time , involved one year ( 4 seasons ) of weekly trapping in 3 areas , 4 traps in each area . I 'd check the traps once a week , preserving any flies that were trapped during the week for later identification . In the beginning I was also going to put out dead chickens and compare the difference between the maggot masses developing on the chickens and the adult flies I caught in the traps , but that idea went out the window when I realized exactly how much time all this was going to take . That , and when I realized that Jeff forgot what my project was minutes after I talked to him . I actually went into the lab one day and had this conversation : Me : " I am . That 's all done . Just last time you said I should put out some sort of animal , and we decided on chickens … " Jeff : " Yeah , just put liver in the traps . Don 't worry about putting chicken in them . I don 't think chicken will attract flies anyhow . " So I stuck to the 12 liver traps ( STANKY ! ! ) that I checked once a week . This process took hours ! Hours and hours ! I drove from trap to trap , cleaning it out , collecting the flies , putting the flies in alcohol , and putting new liver in the trap . On average , I was doing 5 hours of field work to get this done . It doesn 't sound like much , but let me tell you , when you 're taking a Sunday morning ( OK , afternoon ) to drive around and play with rotten meat , and you still have to go to work and do hours and hours of homework , it 's a lot . Needless to say , it wasn 't fun . I started pinning the flies , but found that it took even more time . I was collecting several thousand a week , and it could pin about 80 an hour . So I did a few ( usually when we were watching a lot of sports or something ) but I didn 't have the energy to embark on total curation of all flies yet . Anyhow , the trapping was going along swimmingly for several months ; it was fine , that is , until Jeff started talking about extending the project . No ! I don 't wanna ! This is painful ! So , in my oh so mature way , I started avoiding him . I figured that if I could make it through the year without him extending the project , I could terminate it and it would be OK . I made the mistake of going into the lab on a Saturday to get more vials , though . There he was , lying in wait as Dean and I wheeled our tandem into the building . " So " he says " I think you need to extend your project by another year . " Ever get that heart sinking feeling ? Yeah , me too . Me : " But the year 's almost over , and since it 's going to take me so long to do the identification … " Jeff : " Nope . Extend it by another year or so . See you Monday . " Damn . So this goes on for another year . Granted , it did make it a better project , but I 'm of the mind that the project didn 't need to be perfect at the expense of years and years of my life . Maybe I 'll get the nobel prize for this thing . Here 's hoping ! ! I 'm not good at arguing with authority figures , however , so I didn 't argue that much . Besides , I did like doing the project . Now I 'm 3 years into the research , and the field work is finally , finally over . Next , I tackle the daunting task of pinning all these damn flies . There ended up being 40 , 404 blowflies , plus a bunch of of other types . I had some help for a while , but the undergraduate Jeff gave me kept losing buckets full of flies ( " I 'm not sure what happened ! I think I left them outside , and today they 're just gone … " ) or kept letting them sit so in water so long they would mold . I lost more data that way … and for the time I put into this , I decided it wasn 't worth it . I took on the curation of the flies myself . This entailed soaking the flies in a restorative liquid ( the alcohol I had preserved them in causes them to shrink when they are dried out . If you soak the flies for an hour or so in Stoli , yes , the vodka , then they puff back up . Weird in an intoxicating sort of way ) then pinning each one . I spent 9 months doing this . Hours and hours of sitting in the museum , listening to books on tape , eating Top Ramen and pinning flies . When my fingers got so pruney the skin started coming off , that 's when I 'd go home . It took forever . However , it was enjoyable compared to what was coming next . After all the pinning was done , I had to identify these little buggers . That 's much harder than it sounds . I 've taken several entomology classes , I 'm familiar with the dichotomous key used to identify insects , but I 've never been taught the complex language of fly anatomy . I spent many , many months desperately trying to figure out what phrases like " Greater ampulla with stiff setae ; dorsum of first and second abdominal tergites black , posterior margins of abdominal tergites 3 and 4 black " meant . And this was just to tell families apart - I still needed to figure out how to tell the different species apart . Why didn 't I consult my advisor , you ask ? I did . Twice . Both times , I had very memorable , if very short , conversations with him . The first time , I wanted to know which key I should use to key the flies out to the species level . I had a couple of old ones , but I wasn 't sure if that is what I should be using . I saw him in the hallway and it went something like this : That was the end of that . Eventually he found me and said he hoped I wasn 't crying anymore . He also found a key he thought I should use , and all he had to do was search for it on the internet . He just didn 't understand why I couldn 't figure that out for myself . Neither could I , for that matter . I had seldom felt so stupid . You know what 's annoying ? When you desperately want to please someone , and that someone is a bastard . I know he 's a bastard . I know it ! Yet I still want to make him proud . I hate that . So I stopped asking him for help . Eventually I guessed that he really didn 't know what a transverse suture was , but that didn 't help me then . My saving grace came in the form of Dr . J . Gordon Edwards ( the " J " doesn 't stand for anything … his parents just liked how it looked ) . He was the old retired entomologist who still ran the museum . He came in nights and took care of things . I could leave him notes with questions , like " What 's a transverse suture ? " and the next morning I 'd not only have a written answer ( Transverse suture : the demarcation between the prothorax and hind thorax , often seen as a horizontal line or suture ) but a photocopied packet of drawings with the area highlighted , a book or two explaining the origin and naming of the part , and several reference specimens set out with little notes . This was a fabulous man . He retired at 80 after teaching at SJSU for a million years . He died at 84 while rock climbing in Glacier National Park ; he had a heart attack and died on the side of the mountain . I consider him my entomology mentor . So , with Doc 's help , I slowly but surely figured out how to identify my flies with some sort of certainty . It took me over a year , but I got them all done . Then loomed the task of figuring out what this all meant , and that meant putting all the flies into a database in a variety of ways , and analyzing these data using the magic of statistics . At this point , Jeff tells me that I need two more professors on my committee - I have to have a committee of 3 . Um … what ? Dang it ! I ask who he suggests , and he says I need one stats advisor , then someone else . I talk to Dr . Shannon Bros , the go - to person for stats in the department , and she says she 'll be happy to be on my committee ! One down , one to go ! I have no idea who else I can have read my thesis , so Jeff talks to some of the other professors and suggests Dr . Mike Sneary . Great ! One task down . I talk to Dr . Sneary , and he wants to take a look at my thesis proposal to see if he approves . Wait , what 's a thesis proposal ? I ask Jeff , and he says , " you know , the thing you write up to propose your thesis . " I say " I didn 't do one of those … . " Jeff says " Oh . " The end . I eventually ask him what it entails and he says " Oh , just write up a proposal . " By this time , I 've been yelled at enough to not want to try and clarify things he 's not giving up willingly , so I drop it . I spend the rest of the summer wading through books in the library trying to write up a thesis proposal . Granted , once the proposal was written , it did help me organize my thesis . It actually would have been smart to write one before I even started the project , but I had no idea . Live and learn . I gave my proposal to Dr . Sneary who had lots of suggestions about project design and whatnot , so I had to tell him I had already finished the project ( he hadn 't realized that ) and I was just starting the writing phase . He told me to send him a polished copy of my thesis once Jeff signed off on it . Ok , check . That takes care of that . I then start my materials and methods . I spend many , many , many , many hours researching and writing and rewriting , and having people read , and rewriting this section . You see , one of my friends in the lab had just graduated , and he said that if you didn 't give Jeff a very polished version of your writing , he got awfully mad and wouldn 't help you fix it . He just made you go back and redo everything . So , wanting to avoid that horror , I worked very , very hard and made this section of my thesis the best I could . Good news : when I finally got up the guts to give it to Jeff I got this note : " Adrienne : looks VERY good . See me about some changes . Jeff . " AAAAAAHHHHHHH ! That was one of the best feelings ever . Yay ! I was literally walking on air for weeks after that note , and I didn 't want the feeling to end , so I put off any more work on my writing until after Christmas . I was gonna enjoy the praise , damnit ! During this time , I also started working on my stats . of course , right before my first meeting with my stats advisor Dr . Bros , Jeff tells me I should have a different professor do my stats . I say OK , contact the other professor , who says she 'll be happy to help me , and cancel my appointment with Dr . Bros . Jeff then changes his mind ( or forgets … I haven 't decided yet ) and tells me to go with Dr . Bros . Whatever ! Just get me done ! So I go and see Dr . Bros during her office hours . Let me tell you about Dr . Shannon Bros : she 's a transsexual woman … she used to be Dr . Bill Bros until she had the snip and took the hormones . An interesting thing about these hormones - they make you go through puberty again , with all the angst , and confusion , and flakiness that plagues every puberty anyone has ever experienced . So Dr . Bros tends to be a bit flighty . Really , really nice and helpful ( when you can catch her ) but flakey and an awful lot like a teenager . That 's annoying . She also has a million students and one office hour a week . So I go to her office hour and wait in a line of 9 other students . When she finally gets to me , she only has a minute to talk . I give her a brief overview of my thesis , and she says I need to do some magical stats on it , and have I ever taken the class ? No , I say . Should I ? No , she assures me . She 'll walk me through everything , but since she has to go and teach she 'll give me some labs to read through and then I should call and make an appointment . She hands me a print out of something called ANOVA and then rushes off . I read the printout in total bewilderment ( I haven 't taken any stats since my first year in undergraduate school ) and then I wander to the library to try and figure things out . This pattern goes on for many , many months . I read some confusing lab about some complex statistical test , I make an appointment with Dr . Bros who goes over it with me , then she gives more print outs to read . Eventually she starts sending me to the computer lab to play with fake data and learn to use a variety of computer programs . A semester and a half passes , and I still haven 't even STARTED looking at my own data yet . And I still don 't really understand how to set anything up - the labs she keeps sending me are all using data that is already set up in the program . I finally tell her I want to set my own data up . She says great , and she 'll email me a document that walks me through setting things up . She does this while I 'm sitting there then sends me on my way . I immediately run to my office to print the thing out , and find she forgot to attach the document . No problem , right ? I email her and ask her about it . No response . I call her . No response . I call again . No answer . I go to her office . Notice on the door : Dr . Bros will be out of town for the next 3 weeks . Please leave a message with the front office . DAMNIT ! ! I wait . And wait . Eventually she comes back . She doesn 't have time in her schedule to see me , though , so I have to make an appointment for a few weeks later . I see her . She doesn 't remember my project , what we had talked about , or anything about any document she was supposed to send me . I explain my project again . She says I need to run a test called a PCA . Then she gives me another lab . What ? ! ? What happened to ANOVA and MANOVA ? ! ? She launches into some gibberish about the test and how it will be perfect for me and if I just run this lab with this fake data I 'll understand the meaning of the universe . I nod dumbly and leave in a daze . I spend the next two months searching out all the info I can on ANOVA / MANOVA and trying to set up my data . I finally just do my best , run some stats ( which don 't seem to work at all ) and email the results to her , asking if they are correct . Three weeks later ( while I 'm at a conference in Seattle ) she sends me an email . No , the stats weren 't right , but she looked over my raw data and since I was on the right track she just fixed the problems and ran the stats for me . Holy CRAP ! AWSOME ! Now I have this printout of stats that Dr . Bros ran for me , with a short explanation about what they mean . I almost rented a safe deposit box just to house them , but I settled instead on printing several thousand copies and keeping the email in a hundred different places , just in case . So I begin to write my results . They are long and boring and confusing , and I really still don 't understand what is going on with the stats , so it 's very hard to write about . Can you guess what happens ? Lots of standing in line waiting for a minute of time with Dr . Bros , lots of canceled appointments because she forgot she was washing her hair or something , and lots of late nights trying to figure out what these stupid math - type words mean . This brings us to June , when I get a notice from the department that one of my classes is expiring in Fall ; I have to graduate or I lose it . I take up the writing speed , once again spending most of the summer in the library trying to get things done . I exchange many , many emails with Dr . Bros , and eventually feel like I have a handle on what is going on . By the time my 30th birthday rolls around , I have a fully finished first draft of my thesis . That , my friends , is a great feeling . I send the draft out to family and friends to proof , and Dean and I go off to my cabin to celebrate for a week . When we get back , I start the endless process of revision . Jeff calls and says he wants to see a version of the thesis by mid August . I comply ; he sends it back with suggestions . Well , suggestions may be too strong a word : vague notions might be better . He asks for another draft by September 8th . This is where my last blog started … and where my stress level really began to rise to unheard of levels . Jumping ahead to this last week . I had been going back and forth with Jeff about a variety of things , the least of which was he wanted a different person on my committee - I 'm not sure if he forgot about Dr . Sneary or just started to hate him , but the end result was Dr . Sneary was off and some new guy was on . Whatever . By this time I had neither the energy nor the desire to argue about anything . I just wanted a signature . I give Jeff my thesis , he gives it back , I change things and give it to him again . I even spend the better part of a Saturday afternoon at his house going over my results section , which he had called " unreadable " and " impossibly horrible . " At the end of this meeting , he tells me I need to go to Dr . Bros who should sign off on the results section before he will . I send my thesis to Dr . Bros that night ( two weeks until my thesis is due , by the way ) and ask her to read the results section , and remind her that my deadline is fast approaching . I hear nothing , NOTHING , for a full week , despite my many , many emails , phone calls , psychic messages , and attempts to corner her . Finally she sends me an email saying that there are some significant changes that need to be made and I should come and see her in her office . I get this email on the Tuesday before my deadline . Her next office hour is Thursday at 8 am . I get to her office at 7 : 30 , and join the line of 4 people that has already formed . What did these people do … camp here ? Hmmmm … I should totally try that . So , in the last two minutes of her office hours I stick my head in , and she tells me to come back that evening at 5 to go over everything . I remind her that my deadline is Monday . She says " you should get it done by then . Even if it 's not perfect , get it done by then . " I leave , and wait in my office ALL DAY because I want to make sure she doesn 't leave the building without talking to me . At 4 : 30 I set up camp outside her office and wait for her arrival . She shows up 15 minutes late , but dutifully sits down and goes over the sections with me . Yay ! Actual progress ! And we make really good revisions . She gives me really good advice . She tells me how to fix some figures that were giving me problems . I 'm so very , very happy ! The end is near , I can just taste it ! Then she picks up her phone , dials a number and leaves a message : " Hi , you 've reached Dr . Shannon Bros . I 'll be out of town until November 17th . If you need to reach me , please leave a message . " Wait . My deadline is on the 13th . Dr . Bros just gave me a bunch of revisions to make before she 'll sign my thesis , and she 's going out of town . OUT OF TOWN ? ! ? I quell the quiet panic in my stomach ( have I mentioned the intensity of the migraine / stomach ache combo that I 've been sporting for the better part of six weeks at this point ? No ? It sucked ) and say nonchalantly " So , when you leaving ? " She replies " My plane leaves at 5 : 30 tomorrow morning . " Ah . It 's 7 pm now , at least 12 hours worth of revisions to make , and her plane leaves in 10 hours . Well then . She blathers on for awhile about her trip , I timidly ask about getting my thesis signed , and she says that once it 's all ready she needs to sign the first page . With that , she flits out of her office and asks me to lock up when I leave . I sit there for a moment , mildly stunned , and slowly realize that one of my advisors went out of town and there is no way , no matter how hard I try , no matter how much sleep I lose , no matter how much I pray , there is absolutely no way I will get my thesis signed off in time . But it 's not my fault ( and eventually I . . ll believe this ) . I did everything I possibly could to get this thing done . I worked my ass off . I put off seeing friends and family , put of doing things I like , doing things I needed to do , stopped playing my harp , stopped playing video games , stopped reading books . I did everything physically possible to get this done , and it all came down to my advisor leaving town . At that moment , my migraine went away . I was suddenly not at all nauseous . I walked home happy for the first time that semester . I stopped at a computer on the way home and found that I could get my advisor to sign a paper that renewed the class I was gonna lose , so that wouldn 't be a problem . So , the point of this long , long , long story is that it 's over . I am no longer trapped behind a computer writing for my life . I am no longer throwing up breakfast or downing shots of vodka to go to sleep at night . I get to go out again ( and I have - I 've been spending the weekends drunk off my ass lately . It 's like I 'm in college again ! ! ) and I get to enjoy Christmas . Thanks for reading , and email me ! I can email back now ! My thesis is due . In 20 days . We 're not talking due to my advisor for sign off … no . It 's due to the department , ready for binding , with all three of my committee member signatures on it , all spelling errors fixed , and printed on super expensive paper . 20 days from today . I gave my advisor a copy of my thesis on Sept . 8 . Last Monday he said he hadn 't read it yet and wanted a revised copy by last Friday . Done . Nine 0 ' clock on Sunday he emails me some revisions which say things like " I hate this section . Rewrite it " or " I don 't agree with your conclusions . See me and rewrite your discussion . Make these changes by tomorrow . " So I tried . I tried really really hard to make the changes . But my desktop computer , you know , the one that I 've been using for the past years to store my data , write my thesis drafts and print everything , has decided that it doesn 't want to allow me to use Word , or any other text editor for that matter . So Dean ( whose birthday it was by the way , and he was a tit bit tipsy ) gave me his windows laptop - which decided it didn 't want to open anything from my version ( or my advisor 's ) version of word correctly , so all the formatting was off , none of the 20 figures were present , and nothing was italicized . So I tried using my Mac - which decided that Dean 's lap top had the right idea , but wanted to one - up it by not having any of the correct fonts installed and making sure I couldn 't change the margins ( which were 3 inches ) . So I tried on Dean 's desktop . He has a linux box , or something of that nature . It didn 't even TRY to open my document … it just gave me a blank page . So I tried Ben 's computer . It apparently had talked with Dean 's desktop and they decided to show a united front . Now it 's been 2 hours , I work in the morning , and I still haven 't been able to make any changes to my thesis . You know that feeling when there 's a ginormous tumor growing in your chest that then reaches into your brain stem and uses your hypothalamus as a punching bag ? Yeah , I haOf course , if you don 't know my advisor , then you won 't understand . Let me tell you about him . Dr . Jeff Honda is the only entomologist at San Jose State University . He had just be hired when I interviewed for graduate school . Everyone there said that he was great and they all loved him . When I actually entered graduate school a year later , however , all their tunes had changed . Apparently , that " good teacher , nice guy , great mentor " thing he had going on during his interviews was all a front and he 's really just a great big bastard . I 've learned over the past three quarters of a decade that Jeff takes offense very easily , holds a grudge for years on end , is willing to ruin people 's careers for retarded reasons , and can 't handle any type of opposition without blowing up . Oh , and if he 's in a bad mood for any reason what - so - ever , he 's perfectly willing to take it out on whomever is nearest ( and he 's often in a bad mood ) . About half way through my master 's program , I thought about changing advisors . Jeff has this habit of not helping with any project or advising on any school stuff , or really knowing what is going on with his students at all . He says it 's because he wants self starters and people who can work independently . He doesn 't - he wants students who magically know what to do and then can read his mind and do it his way . Anyhow , I was tired of just making shit up then being yelled at when I didn 't make the right shit up . So I emailed some entomologists at universities and asked what they looked for in a PhD student . The one thing in common ? They really liked seeing a great recommendation from their master 's advisor , and that recommendation carried even more weight if that master 's advisor was an entomologist . I can understand - as an advisor you 're taking on an unknown student and promising to mentor and teach her for some ungodly amount of time . You want to have as much guarantee that the student will work hard and do what is necessary to make it worth your while . But whatBack to my story . Jeff didn 't read my thesis when I gave it to him . I said nothing . I 've actually learned a rather sneaky technique - since I know so damn many professors in the department ( I 've taught for all of them ) , when I see them in the elevator , I talk about my thesis , I mention how busy Jeff is and how I don 't want to burden him with anything else but I just gave him my thesis and I hope he gets around to reading it , then I mention that he 's a great mentor and I 'm lucky to be working with him . Then I look stressed and tired and I leave ( that last bit takes very little acting … I am stressed and tired ) . If you don 't know , professors are the biggest gossips . So when I say this stuff , even to random Dr . Bob in botany , it 'll get back to Jeff via the grapevine . It 's not as direct as talking to him myself ( which is pretty much guaranteed to make him never , ever read my thesis ) or going to the Dean of the department ( which is guaranteed to make it so I will never graduate ) , but it works . This is how I got him to read find me in the hallway and ask for a thesis revision last week . I , of course , mentioned how my thesis has changed since I sent it to him and I 'm glad he didn 't read the first because I hadn 't finished all the stats . This got him to promise to read this version over the weekend . Ass kissing takes forever . So this is why I was so damn stressed about not being able to make the revisions on Sunday night - it 's taken me months on end to get him to the point where he 's willing to read my thesis at all , let alone give me revisions to do with some sort of guidance . If I don 't follow his directions , he will get all pissy and not work with me for a few weeks as punishment . He 'll be " too busy . " Yeah , too busy trying to make me cry . He 's done it before . So I freak out . And then I can 't sleep , because I 'm freaking out . Horrible . I wake up after almost 3 hours sleep just before my alarm goes off yesterday and try and figure out how the hell I 'm gonna keep him on my good side . He came into my office hours yesterday ( I work for 12 hours on Mondays … I use my office hours to eat breakfast . Not the best time to get my stress level rising ) . I printed out his revisions from my office computer , and made some vague comment about making the changes on my laptop . Luckily , he believed me . He then when over all the changes he wanted made . Good ! At least I know a bit more about it now . There were some major and minor things - and several sentences he just read incorrectly , then tried to revise based on his incorrect readings , then got more confused , so he just underlined them and said " this is very confusing ! Rewrite ! " He reiterated this sentiment during our meeting yesterday . I nodded and promised to fix them . I 'll fix them by just taking away the revisions . Done ! At the end of the meeting , he asks for the updated version by Friday . I counter with " what about Wednesday ? " He says " Well , if you want to do it that way … " I nod eagerly . You see , once Jeff decides that the thesis is good enough , I still have to send it to 2 other committee members who will hate it and make me make changes . All this in 20 days . So , what I 'm trying to say with this long - winded tirade , is that I have 20 days to play politics and get some damn good writing done before I lose my graduation standing . I 'm not sure if I 'm gonna make it , but I 'm gonna work my ass of and try . So please , don 't be offended if you are one of the many , many people who have sent me emails that I haven 't responded to , or the hundreds of friends who just want to say " hi " which I ignore . It 's not you , it 's me . I 'll be much better in just under a month , I swear . Come over for International Day of Baking Goodness , November 22 . I still like you , I do ! It 's just I may murder someone very soon , and I don 't want it to be you . See you in 20 days , For those of you who don 't know , we 're trying to get pregnant . ( See EVERY other blog I 've written for more details ) . Now , after reading all that background blogging , you should know we 've had a bit of a hard and painful time accomplishing this goal . I 'm not complaining … well , I am complaining , loudly and at length , it 's just a saying … and for the most part people have been truly supportive . But , from the bottom of my heart , and for the sake of every woman in my situation , I have one request : PLEASE , DON ' T TELL ME TO EFFEN RELAX ! Ok , here 's where I 'm coming from . When you start infertility treatments , it 's not something you do on a whim . Oh no . They won 't even * look * at you if you haven 't been actively trying to get pregnant for a year ( and by active I mean charting your cycles and using ovulation tests and all that ) . If you haven 't , they tell you you , you guessed , start charting your cycles and use ovulation tests . Then they do some basic tests - sperm count , hormone levels , mucus viscosity , that sort of thing . It 's not until several cycles later that they actually begin the pills and ultrasounds . What I 'm saying is this : it 's not like you can walk into a doctor , say " I think I 'm infertile " and they 'll send you home with a packet of needles and book on test tube babies . No , it 's a long and involved process that weeds out anyone who just hasn 't gotten lucky ( well , they 're assuming you 've gotten lucky a little bit - otherwise you 'd need a whole different lecture ) . Now , during this year or so of unsuccessful , at home fertilization , you have a lot of sex . I mean , A LOT . As anyone who 's trying for a baby - they 'll tell you it 's been mere hours since the last attempt . They 'll also probably tell you the position they tried and how long she stayed with her legs in the air to ensure proper spermatozoon flow … parents - to - be are a strange breed . Anyhow , lots and lots of sex . During all this sex , you are most likely going to have an orgasm . Well , I 'm assuming . If not , sad for you ! Let 's just say from experience , you 're going to have an orgasm . Maybe not all the time , but definitely more often than if you weren 't doin ' it several times a day . Do you know what orgasms do ? They release endorphins in your brain . You know what endorphins do ? They relax you . Completely and totally . Here 's a quick science lesson about endorphins : Endorphins are released by the pituitary gland and hypothalamus of the vertebral brain . They act on receptors in the brain that , when bound up , cause the body not to feel pain and bring about a general sense of well being . These same receptors respond to opiates and morphine . However , anything injected into the blood stream has a very small chance of getting to the brain because of the blood - brain barrier ( the brain is very selective as to what it lets in , so there 's a barrier between blood and the brain . Only certain substances make it in , and only a tiny amount of those substances at that ) . Endorphins are produced in the brain , so a little bit goes a long , long way . Acupuncture for pain management induces the brain to produce excess endorphins , thereby eliminating any pain in the body . Small amounts of endorphins cause muscles to relax , blood pressure to drop , heart rate to slow , adrenaline levels to lower , and breathing to become deep and regular . They basically put you into an extremely relaxed state - hence the desire to fall asleep after sex . Well , after good sex . Sometimes sex elicits the desire to sneak out without waking the partner and throw up in an alley on the way home , but I digress . What I 'm saying is simply if you have a bunch of orgasms , you 're going to be extremely relaxed most of the time . Even if you get into a stressful situation , residual endorphins will make it seem much less stressful than normal , and allow you to relax much more quickly once the situation has passed . What does this have to do with my bitch - fest above ? Read on and all will become clear . Once you 've gone through this year or so of bliss and have decided to embark upon the rocky road of infertility treatments ( rather than just buy the damn motorcycles and start doing illicit drugs already - a decision many women going through these treatments regret every few months … ) then you will begin to notice a strange phenomenon : everyone , and I mean everyone , seems to know how to get you pregnant . You 'll be talking with a friend , say , and telling her about your latest adventure in the doctor 's office . This friend has been on birth control for 12 years , hasn 't had sex for 6 of those , and has no desire to become a mother . Suddenly , she is an expert in fertility , and is happy to share her knowledge with you . Well , fine . I realize that many people show their support by trying to help you out . I actually appreciate it . I listen , take mental notes , look up info I don 't quite understand , and print out resources to add to my notebook . However , after talking with EVERYBODY about this subject , I have noticed one thing in common : they all end their lectures with " You just need to relax . You 'll never get pregnant by being all tense like this . Once you calm down and relax , everything will work out fine . " This is the point where every infertile woman has her head explode . JUST RELAX ? ! ? Are you kidding me ? ! ? I just spent over a year of my life awash in sperm and endorphins - more relaxed than a pot head on a semester - long bender , barely able to stand upright because my muscles simply refused to tense up , and dealing with situations that make most people bleed out their eyes in frustration by saying " Really ? Bummer . I 'm gonna go take a nap . Wanna get a slurpee ? " and you 're telling me all I need to do is relax ? ! ? Did it every occur to you that maybe , just maybe , there is actually something wrong ? That the doctor didn 't cut me open and poke at my uterus for shits and giggles , but because he was taking something out ? That I don 't have Dean inject me with painful chemicals because I like that burning sensation , but because I don 't produce them on my own ? Did it ? I mean , lord , do you honestly think that I 'd be putting myself through hell via daily doctors visits if all I really needed was a weekly massage ? ! ? Dear god , shut up ! I do not need to relax ! We tried that , it didn 't work . Now we have to try something much less fun and much more invasive . I 'd appreciate it if you would understand that then either 1 ) nod sympathetically , give me a hug and buy me presents to make me feel better , then look away when I burst into tears , or 2 ) find an article on alternative treatments , cutting edge surgery techniques , specialists in the area , or witch doctors who may help , cut it out and hand it to me . Either way , you 're giving me what I need - actual support and friendship during a very , very rough patch in my otherwise extremely happy life . By telling me to relax , you 're basically saying " Any tool can get pregnant … I can 't believe you haven 't figured that out yet ! Well , since no one else has let you in on the secret , here you go . " I feel broken enough already ! I don 't need you telling me that the answer to my problem is so simple an idiot could do it . You know how that makes me feel ? Destroyed . EveSo , on behalf of infertile women everywhere - please don 't tell us to relax . We 've tried that . We 've tried that for years and it hasn 't worked . Yes , going through these treatments is stressful . Yes , hormones released in stressful situations can inhibit pregnancy . Why do you think the orgasm evolved ? ! ? To relax us when it counts the most ! But the one thing that causes my blood pressure to skyrocket more than anything else I 've been through these past few years is someone telling me " Just relax . Once you stop trying , it 'll happen on its own . " Fuck you . Fuck you all . For a long time , Myth did well . It did everything we expected it to and even a little more . Then shows began to degrade . It may have been a driver or software upgrade or a settings change - these things don 't " just happen " - but I could not trace the cause . Random shows would end up with jumpy audio and video skips . I found a similar description on the web : It is like the first 200ms of each second is missing . Try watching that . Ben came up with a three - level rating system for the severity of unwatchability . Level One was annoying , but watchable and often went away . Level Two neared pure noise and at Level Three you lost all hope . I turned debugging on , collecting volumes of log files . At one point , I filled up my / var filesystem ( how did I forget to turn cron on ? Oh yeah , on most other operating systems it 's running by default ! ) which does not make Myth happy when it 's trying to write logs there . I tweaked settings , trolled for clues in the detritus , searched for and requested help from the Internet . No improvement . No message in the data . No suggestion availed me . Behind the scenes the operating system breaks up each file into manageable blocks and writes the chunks to the disk . It tries very hard to put all the blocks in a row so it can read the whole file much like you are reading this text - word by word . When the OS deletes a file it makes the file 's blocks available for other files that may come along . This creates a " space " between two files on disk . Often , new files are bigger than the space created so the OS fills the space with part of the file and then uses new space for the remainder . This is called file fragementation . Fragmentation is bad because it slows down file reads as the OS has to look all over the disk to get each piece of a file . UFS , a widely - used filesystem for unix machines , somehow keeps fragementation from becoming a problem . However , I was using XFS to store recordings . Previously , I blogged about how I got to be a MythTV user . Possibly the best thing about Myth is automatic commercial skipping ! It is not perfect , but when it works , you barely know your 're watching broadcast television . It works by marking suspected commercials and jumping over those marks during playback . There are some very clever developers that wrote the code to go back over a recording looking for station logos , special video frames , closed - captioning breaks , among other things . This operation takes ( on my machines ) about 20 minutes per hour of real video and can ( currently ) happen only after a show is finished recorded . Each flagging job queues up so depending on how many recordings just completed it could be hours before the show is really ready to watch . You can always watch a show immediately after it begins recording . I have become so accustomed to time - shifting all my television that the wait between live broadcast and prepared recording is unnoticable . Watching a well - flagged television show is quite cool and even if the flagger misses , it is an easy thing to rewind then skip ahead in 30 second jumps . We do miss the TiVo sounds just a little , so someone makes them when necessary ; ba - doop ba - doop ba - doop . In addition to the volume of bad adverts , we miss out on the occasional not - so - bad commercial . The benefits and detriments of a comsumer culture is left as an exercise for the reader , but it feels nice to be free of stupid , stupid commercials . Adrienne felt that she was missing out on too much new TV , so she went out and subscribed to a television magazine . I guess people are willing to pay for targeted advertisements . Enter Robert X Cringely , a technology columnist for PBS . He has 20 - some years in the industry and writes compelling articles . In late 2004 , I read this article which launched me into a homebrew PVR project . Cringely wrote about Andrew Greig , a man in Canada who works for Starnix , an international Open Source software and services consultancy . In addition to providing free VIOP and Wi - Fi to his neighbors Andrew runs a ( very large ) installation of MythTv . I wish I could see this guy 's setup . Quoting the article : Andrew 's server runs Myth TV , an Open Source digital video recorder application , storing on disk in MPEG - 4 format more than 30 , 000 TV episodes , movies and MP3 music files . " As each new user comes online , I add another TV card to the system so they can watch live TV , " says Andrew , " but since there are only so many episodes of SpongeBob SquarePants , nearly everything that isn 't news or sports is typically served from disk with full ability to jump forward or back at will . We 've reached the point now where the PVR has so much in storage already that it is set to simply record anything that isn 't already on disk . " Doing a little math on a typical 60 - minute TV show ( at 1 . 5 - 2 megabits - per - second ) we get 673 - 900MB per show . If half of those 30 , 000 files are television shows , I estimate 10 - 15 TB of storage . That 's a lot of juice to run out of your house . I am not sure how many users his amplified Wi - Fi reaches , but " most " of my suburban neighborhood is probably 50 - 100 homes . And I thought I had IO issues . I am a computer dork , so I had some extra hardware around with which to start my project . Taking the best of the leftovers , I put together an AMD 1GHz processor , 512 MB of memory and a 40 Gb disk . Still , I needed a way to get the television into the machine . At the time , I was living with my wife and 6 other roommates in an old Stanford party house . Talking with the roommates about the possibility of watching television from their computers , one of them offered up a capture card to get me started . Coupling the cap - card with a CreativeLabs sound card , I was ready to go . I work with Solaris and live with FreeBSD , so I had a decent idea about the complexity of installing and configuring a unix - like OS such as Linux . I did a quick scan and chose Debian as my distro , primarily because MythTV is developed on that version . My first - ever linux install went fine , as did the MythTV install . Debian 's package management is almost as cool as FreeBSD 's ports . I did struggle for a few days compiling a kernel that had the correct modules and drivers for the sound and cap cards and the rest of my hardware . So now I could record one channel and store the show in rtjpeg format . While recording the server had encode the stream in software , loading my machine to about 70 % utilization . Acceptable , but I could not grow my setup without more horsepower . To me , a big draw towards MythTV is its server / client architecture . I ran a master back - end which did nothing but record programs . Because of MythTv I reinstalled my desktop with GenToo linux and the MythTV software . ( I also switched the backend to GenToo . ) On my desktop , I ran a slave backend ( server ) and the frontend ( client ) software . With the extra processing power , my desktop could flag commercials - a CPU intensive procedure - while the backend with the cap card could record and encode television . Any time I wanted to , I could pull up mythfrontend and watch recorded shows ( and live tv if the recording schedule permitted ) . She was drooling just as much as I was over my new project giving me a high WAF . Adrienne liked the idea for slightly different reasons , but the encouragment was strong . She had me dual - boot her desktop so she could watch recorded TV and surf . With her gentle pushing and the apathetic interest of the other suitemates , I got Samba and dsmyth working so Windows users could watch the recordings in wmp . This got me a second capture card on loan from another roommate . My desktop would now have to pull double - duty as a workhorse and encoding machine . Around this time , I added a 160GB drive for storage to the system . For $ 500 , I put together a Shuttle bare - bones system with a DVD RW . Once I got all the right software and drivers on this machine , we set it next to the telly for MythTV bliss . Add a streamzap remote for extra coolness . Now I also had an extra backend system for commercial flagging . Towards the goal of recording all chanels all the time , I set out to increase the tuner capacity of my system . Right about that time Hauppauge released the PVR - 500 , a dual tuner capture card that does MPEG encoding in hardware . This removes the recording load from my master backend leaving only IO management ( and various backend duties , and recording scheduling , and mysql database ) to the poor little server . I figured four tuners would be adequete and six more than enough . So I bought three PVR - 500s . Two went into the master backend and one into the shuttle , mostly for live - tv watching . I doubt we will ever consume all six tuners all the time , but it only took a month before all six were active for a few hours ! Overall , six is enough .
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One of the troubles we had concerning the entry to the backyard from the driveway was that there was a considerable downhill slope from the driveway . The garden wall with its arched top door made for a nice entry point into our backyard but the slope made you feel uneasy particularly since it was mostly exposed dirt littered with gravel . It certainly wasn 't worthy of what should have been a grand entrance . I like doing concrete even though I have little experience with it . The most time I spent on any significant project was during my first trip overseas to Haiti . I traveled with Global Go Team to help pour piers and a concrete slab floor for the first building that was going in to the soon - to - be campus of Shepherds House Ministry . The experience was invaluable and life - changing for a ton of reasons too numerous to attempt to list . I even learned some practical tips on how to work with concrete . I 'm not done just yet . I need one more 80 lb bag for a finish coat which I will pick up on the way home from work today . I plan on using it to smooth out the sides of the vertical walls and to create a slight slope towards the brick patio so that this area won 't hold any water . It wouldn 't be a very good entry if it just became a puddle every time it rained . I acquired the book just after Christmas of 2012 . I took some money that was gifted to me and bought several boxes of books from a book reseller in Ozark , MO . I asked him where they came from and he said that he buys books in bulk from estate sales mainly but also from garage sales and flea markets . He groups them together by genre and sells them as large lots on Craigslist . I think I paid him $ 80 for over 200 books . Inside this book , I saw the name ' Naomi Bradley ' written carefully along the top of the first page . Soon after that , I found a small scrap of old newspaper inside that someone was using as a make - shift bookmark . It had been in the same place for so long , in fact , that the old newspaper had slightly stained the page it was holding so faithfully for its owner . I found three results from my searches . One was from newspaper . com that mentioned Mrs . Naomi Bradley in a 1925 obituary as a survivor of her 12 year old sister . It also listed another surviving sister . Of the three sisters , she was the only one already married , but I surmised that she was still pretty young . Mrs . Naomi Bradley was a beautiful young woman of 18 who had no trouble finding a husband with a bright future . She was the second child born into her southern - Arkansan family but joyfully played the role of " second mother " to her two younger sisters . Life had been good growing up in El Dorado , Arkansas which had benefited from steep financial growth from the oil industry moving into town in the late teens . Unlike her grandparents , due to the vast job opportunities from the oil company , her parents ' generation had been able to provide their children with many privileges including higher educations . 1925 had been quite the year for Naomi . She turned eighteen , graduated high school , moved to Missouri with her older brother where she met , fell in love with , and was quickly married to a 16 - year - old heir to a 600 - acre farm in Sarcoxie , MO . She was still living on the high of a newlywed and hadn 't been down to see her family in Arkansas since before her June wedding . It was now the second of November and she was beginning to make plans for a trip to her parents ' for Thanksgiving . Her new husband , who had never left Missouri in his life , was looking forward to the adventure of the trip . Naomi was beyond ready to spend quality time with her family , especially her sisters . Despite both sisters being bride 's maids in her wedding , she didn 't get to have much time with them due to all the busyness of her big day . All this was going through her mind as she was washing the dishes from lunch and passively watching the dogs chase squirrels up the pair of trees in the backyard outside the kitchen window . The sounds of the dogs barking and the scratching of the squirrels claws in the tree bark was interrupted by the sound of the phone ringing in the foyer . The news of her baby sister 's sudden death rocked her like an earthquake . And , like an earthquake can immediately remove one 's faith in the earth 's stability that had gone without question previously . the news left Naomi doubting if life was everything she had always believed it to be . The days were long after that as if somehow the pendulum of the grandfather clock in the parlor had suddenly decided to defy gravity and the earth took notice and matched its slowed pace . It was now Sunday afternoon , Nov . 22nd . Thanksgiving would be on Thursday and they were to leave early the next morning for El Dorado , though the prospect of visiting with family brought more fears than relief . Gone was the excitement . She now worried that she wouldn 't be able to hold it together . She felt guilty for choosing to moving away . She knew it wouldn 't be the same as holidays before and her mind wouldn 't stop imagining scenarios that brought even more emotional pain . A knock at the door came . She hadn 't even noticed the sound of the 1922 Wills Saint Claire pull up the driveway yet there it was outside the window sitting beautifully in the late afternoon sun . She recognized it as Judy 's family car from the church she had only just begun starting to attend in early October but to which she hadn 't returned since receiving the life - changing phone call . Naomi let Judy in who had come alone . She tried to play the role of a good hostess , but Judy required no formalities and just embraced Naomi which somehow unleashed an ocean of pent - up grief . After a long time and a good cry , Judy presented Naomi with the book she had just bought from Osterloh 's Bookstore in Joplin , The Man Nobody Knows . This book helped Naomi deal with some of her misconceptions about God , about Jesus , about what she had always believed to be the nature of her existence . It wasn 't a book about death or pain or even comfort . It was a book about knowing Jesus . And , that , helped Naomi come to terms with her sister 's death and where and with whom her sister really resided . One of the things that I wish I was more diligent about is taking before photos . Jodi and I both are pretty bad about just jumping into a project without remembering to take that photo of what it looked like before our project . So , I 'm really glad that it happened to dawn on me while I was taking this chimney apart that I would like to have a photo of where it came from . To recap the last blog : I ran out of bricks while I was laying our new brick patio . Jodi successfully negotiated us some free brick from our neighbor 's house that is under renovation . I 'm getting the brick for free , but I have to dismantle the chimney myself . I 've only worked on it for two evenings now . The first evening , I was able to take it down from just below the roof line in the attic to just below the ceiling of the first floor . Last night , I got it taken all the way down to the floor level . I still have to take it down in the basement , but I think that I 'll come back to it at a later date since they 're on a break right now on the house project anyway . I have enough brick , at this point , to finish the patio which is super exciting . I 'll work on that when I get home this evening before Lyric 's soccer practice . There 's a small chance that I could actually get all the brick laid tonight . Saturday is a neighborhood cleanup day where I can throw out some garbage that no one would want . I 'm hoping to be all prepared for that so that Saturday morning I can get it all hauled off . Then , through the weekend , I plan on completing the following tasks : The house is getting closer and closer to being done and I 'm really looking forward to reaching that point . It will be here before we know it at the rate in which we are working . Stay tuned for a completed patio picture ! Jodi scored some brick for us to finish our patio ! The house next door is getting fully renovated . It 's been gutted down to the studs already . And , yesterday , they started tearing off the roof and redecking it . Jodi spotted that the chimney was gone from sight so she went to ask about it . It turns out that they just dismantled it down below the roof line because they would no longer be using it as an exhaust vent and didn 't want to have to roof around it if they didn 't have to . Jodi asked if they were taking it down any further to which the owner replied that they weren 't . They gave her the brick that they had taken down and she asked for them to let her know if they run across any more . With the bug in the owner 's ear , he changed his mind and told Jodi that I could take the chimney all the way down to the basement if I wanted the brick . Um . . . yes , please . So , I started working on it yesterday when I got home from work and managed to get the chimney worked down to just below the ceiling of the first floor . It should go faster now that I have it accessible from the first floor . I was working in the attic which is not very fun to do in a gutted house . Carrying two 5 - gallon buckets full of bricks while balancing on 2x4 ceiling joists makes me feel more like a circus act than a home renovator . But , the budget home renovator does what is necessary to get projects completed . The best part about all this ? With this latest score of brick , it should be enough to complete the last leg of the patio . AND , it means that I can say I didn 't pay anything for any of the paver bricks that I have laid on our property . Equity , sweet equity . I recently read Why We Love The Church by Kevin DeYoung and Ted Kluck . It 's a pretty good book , I suppose . It 's not my favorite of theirs , but it 's good . I have read Why We 're Not Emergent by the pair which I really liked , as well as one of Kevin DeYoung 's solo works , Just Do Something , which was also a good little read . That said , I do appreciate the defense . I get tired of hearing about the " evils " of the church and how everyone is more like Jesus somehow when they refuse to step foot inside an official place of worship . Those that write and speak about these things do touch on some truths . I 'll give them that . Sure , there are issues with all churches . But , the expectation of perfection in any organization is nothing short of completely unreasonable . And , if these people who have left an organized church ( noun ) to " liberate " themselves with how church ( verb ) should be done applied those same requirements of their respective organized employers , they would most certainly find themselves needing to quit their jobs to take up some entrepreneurial enterprise . I know I 've never seen a perfect company . Perhaps , applying those same requirements to their grocery stores would drive them to garden and farm themselves ? Banking ? Deciding what automobile manufacturer to purchase from ? It 's a very deep rabbit hole . To me , it appears to be an issue of grace . Do people have any for others , for their church leaders , for their congregations ? Requiring perfection is lunacy . God gives us grace since we aren 't perfect and He 's our example from which to refer . It 's only sensible to give grace to others . To close , I enjoyed reading the book . It needed to be written , I believe . And , truthfully , I didn 't need to read a full - length book listing and expounding on reasons why I love the church . I 'd love it anyway . So , it 's alright that the book was mostly dealing with people 's reasoning for not loving it instead . After all , you can 't get past your stumbling block until you deal with it first . You could hand someone a list of reasons for liking potatoes but if they have even just one thing that they don 't like about potatoes and you don 't address that one issue , the list will make no progress in changing their mind . So , in that regard , perhaps the title wasn 't as misleading as I originally thought . The book is a good read . Probably my favorite part is the following excerpt . It shows the logical inconsistency with the arguments against organized churches . " The church - is - lame crowd hates Constantine and notions of Christendom , but they want the church to be a patron of the arts , and run after - school programs , and bring the world together in peace and love . They bemoan the over - programmed church , but then think of a hundred complex , resource - hungry things the church should be doing . They don 't like the church because it is too hierarchical , but then hate it when it has poor leadership . They wish the church could be more diverse , but then leave to meet in a coffee shop with other well - educated thirty - somethings who are into film festivals , NPR , and carbon offsets . They want more of a family spirit , but too much family and they 'll complain that the church is " inbred . " They want the church to know that its reputation with outsiders is terrible , but then are critical when the church is too concerned with appearances . They chide the church for not doing more to address social problems , but then complain when the church gets too political . They want church unity and decry all our denominations , but fail to see the irony in the fact that they have left to do their own thing because they can 't find a single church that can satisfy them . They are critical of the lack of community in the church , but then want services that allow for individualized worship experiences . They want leaders with vision , but don 't want anyone to tell them what to do or how to think . They want a church where the people really know each other and care for each other , but then they complain the church today is an isolated country club , only interested in catering to its own members . They want to be connected with history , but are sick of the same prayers and same style every week . They call for not judging " the spiritual path of other believers who are dedicated Well . . . I ran out of bricks . I haven 't counted yet , but I 'm estimating that I 'm in need of about 200 . And , to make matters worse , for the first time in quite a while , no one is selling any pavers on Craigslist . So , unfortunately , it appears that our patio is just going to have to exist for an undetermined amount of time with a large hole on one side . ( Sorry about the photo . It doesn 't do the patio justice . There is a layer of brown sand over the back two - thirds , the initial lime sand layer on the section in the bottom - right has been compacted with water and the new section bottom - center hasn 't been compacted yet . So , this may be a little difficult to know what you 're looking at . For that , I apologize . ) What bothers me about running out is that just a week or so ago , I started wondering if we would run out of good complete bricks before I was done . I hopped on Craigslist to find this ad . I even screenshot - ed it because I considered that I might wind up needing some . So , I 'm reaching out here . No , I don 't expect that of my humble readership , I will have someone with exactly what I am looking for . However , maybe my expectations are wrong . So , if you happen to have any quantity of red clay solid paver bricks lying around , please comment here and let me know how to get a hold of you . The patio is coming along quite nicely . Today , I finished going through all the used bricks that still had mortar on them . It was quite a chore but I got all the mortar knocked off of all of them . I wound up with a nicely sized stack when I was done . I didn 't figure that a lot of the bricks would be useable , but almost all of them were . I started laying some of them , but I knew that I would be limited in what I could do because I only had a very small pile of sand left with which to work . I will go back to American Landscape and Quarry supply on Monday and get another half bucket of sand . That should be about the right amount to get the remainder done . While I was laying bricks , Jodi was spreading the brown sand over the top of the bricks that have been down for a while . We have been waiting on a good rain to come and cement down the lime sand that I have been using as a base . The lime sand is especially good for this because it gets pretty hard and compacted rather easily . We didn 't really want their to be white sand in between the bricks , but we knew that the first good rain would compact everything that had already been laid and allow new room for a surface layer . I can 't help but just stand and stare at it . One of the downsides of performing a home improvement project is that since you 're in the thick of it throughout every step , you kind of miss the " wow " factor . It 's like not really noticing how fast your children are growing because you see them everyday . It cracks me up how long we have been planning all of this outdoor space . It was December of 2008 when I uploaded this Google Sketchup 3D rendering of our plans . And , even before I made this Sketchup drawing , we had discussed , planned , and drawn out a rough layout of what you basically see here . So , for at least 6 years , we 've had this pictured in our mind 's eye . In that regard , it 's nothing short of amazing to see that we have actually done it and accomplished what we dreampt up so long ago . I 'm difficult to explain , but I will attempt . I am a fantastic husband , father , and employee . I have an amazing array of talents . I never stop leaving others in awe with my actions . I love my life , because my life is so great that it 's virtually impossible not to love it . Finally , I also have a fair amount of self esteem . And people say that I 'm often sarcastic but I don 't know why .
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A ) Erin Markey began her performance on Sunday with a pun . She said something about how people from Michigan must be really excited about the show , because the show was free . Then she admitted that she is from Michigan ( as if we didn 't know ) , so she was also excited about the show being free , and being a Michigandress herself , knew how much other people from Michigan like things that are free . She smiled and said " Daylight Savings . " B ) I think it must feel good . Right ? It must feel good to point out hypocrisy . Because then , you know , you have this really clear , this totally unfuckwithable moral imperative , a duty to tell the truth , a really clear - well - lit path on the moral high ground to take . I think that for you it must feel good . Like : I caught you . It has to feel good or you wouldn 't do it . It 's like being a cop or a superhero or having a really important job : I know who I am and I am the one who tells you why you 're not real . I caught you in a lie . But for me , it seems a small price to pay . A low bid . A cheap ransom . What 's that word ? A pittance . Discount . I mean : it costs me nothing to be called a liar . It costs me so little , to feel the rage of your three - inch fury . You caught me saying one thing and then saying another . it 's not as if I 'm actually a liar , or actually a hypocrite , I 'm just not defending myself against you because it doesn 't hurt . I want to be a rag doll for you . I want you to love me for the same reason you loved your dog , the one you tortured as a kid . She can take it . She can 't talk back to me . C ) I like your face . It 's ugly . The pressure 's off . I keep thinking of that Christine Baranski quote : " I was never beautiful so I 'm not unbeautiful . " This sounds like I 'm being mean but I 'm not . I like an ugly face . I want bad things to happen . It 's not morbid . Do you know what a sky burial is ? D ) I haven 't read any of her work , but I 'm totally bowled over with Sheila Heti . Been reading all these fantastic reviews of her new book . In a recent interview with Heti , there 's a quote which really resonated with me : A : No , it 's not about feeling bad . Someone can be writing in a state of great joy . What I mean is that it can 't be like a writing exercise . It has to be more than that . It has to be connected to the writer 's living . I don 't care to be shown off to . I don 't find people impressive because they show me an impressive skill . Making art is an instinct . As much as sex or wanting to eat . I think it 's a real drive , and it should look like that . Woah , right ? I 'm just now finding out about her work , because I really don 't follow what cool writers people are into for a number of reasons , and it 's totally blowing my mind . I definitely am having this moment called inspiration where someone articulates something which I 've been struggling to understand . It seems like certain themes of Heti 's work : identity , postmodernism , morality , etc . are things I wrestle with as well . It seems like some of the places she 's looking for answers , like the language of self - help , like recordings of conversations with friends , are places where I like to look for answers as well . So , in a way I sort of feel like just as I was about to begin work on this project ( which I am about to being work on , but more later ) there 's someone else doing similar stuff . I mean : probably there are and have always been people asking similar questions and in similar ways . It 's not all about me . My point is : I feel sort of freed up to go on and find some more specific question to ask ? Or in another way ? And also : I 'm so excited to read all of Sheila Heti 's books , like right this fucking second . So , expect to hear me gushing about this for a long time . That quote from the interview also makes me think of that Kiki Smith quote : " We 're not doing research here , our lives are at stake . " I am definitely of the class of artists and thinkers who feel like we need to interrogate our priorities and our pleasure . A lot of times I deliberately make things look easy in order to show that ease , comfort , pleasure are myths , are over rated . I like the idea of taking a clearAlthough this isn 't her first hip - hop record . I guess that song she made with Handsome Boy Modeling School is kind of funky , right ? E ) Sad about Nora Ephron . Did you know that When Harry Met Sally is one of my favorite movies ? I 'm actually not really into meg Ryan or Billy Crystal or Love or Romantic Comedies or Fantasy Versions of Manhattan but for some reason , the two title characters ' abilities to be so unlikable and still manage to find each other really touched me . And Ephron 's always admitted that the way those two end up together is not how things happen in real life . I don 't know . Something about them really loving each other and both being so uptight , so prohibitively horrible ( let 's be honest ) really made me feel good . This fantasy that you can get back together with your ex , that things work out , that everything will always wind up okay . It 's a classic fantasy , and Ephron 's nuanced understanding of the ways in which people admit what we want , to ourselves and others , made her such a perfect person to play with this fantasy . I liked her work a lot and I am sad that she 's gone . I woke up to the thunderstorm this morning . My first thought was " How romantic ! " Weird , right ? Had such an amazing weekend , you guys . I guess it all started on Wednesday , when I got a haircut and then went over to Envoy Enterprises to see the Brian Kenny solo show opening . It was so great ! He made this really fantastic photo installation that ( without giving anything away ) is basically about dance . It 's dancing photos . It 's really great ! You should see the exhibition , which is up until the end of July at Envoy . Ran into Deer Heart Sam and Perfect Li ' l Daniel at the opening , and of course the Gallery Mistress Jamie , who is definitely a favorite , running Envoy like a well - oiled Art Machine . We drank some nice fizzy white wine , and then ventured downstairs to Home Sweet Home , delightful dank grotto . We watched a band setting up , they seemed to be a band with nothing except for keyboards ? It was happy hour and we got some very salty margaritas . I got some , I don 't know what everybody else did . I was too busy touching the back of my newly - shorn head and licking kosher salt off the rim of a glass to pay attention to anybody else . Thursday it was , really , far too hot . After work I went to get a manicure and I ruined it , just outside the nail salon , and had to go back in to have them touch it up . Twice . They were very sweet about it . I went to my analyst and complained a lot . It felt good but not as good as it had felt the week before but que sera sera . I 'm kind of into this thing lately of not feeling good . I should clarify : I think feeling good is fine but not the entirety of existence . A lot of life does not feel exactly good . And what is good , anyway ? So I go to analysis to ask these questions . Afterward I hopped an incredibly chic crosstown bus , where a pair of homely tourists and their incredibly ugly little child and I were the only people on the bus , and the ugly little kid had the gall to throw shade at MY after - analysis look . I was wearing new shoes and a new haircut and had a new manicure and was feeling pretty fucking invincible though , so , like , whatever . I know I look good . Go back to wherever it is you came from . Men can paint their nails . Ugh . I went to the Gayletter Happy Hour at Bedlam , co sponsored by One Medical . it was so rad . There were hors d ' oeuvres and an open bar and live performances and I was in fucking heaven . Plus it was early , and air - conditioned , and you know . I 'm a huge baby . I saw Geo Wyeth and Joseph Keckler perform . Kind of not the most conducive space to live performances , Bedlam . But the nice part was that both strapping young lads really rose to the occasion , belting beautifully and basically slapping the crowd in the face with their singing . It was so cool . Joseph sang a deep - sea blues number about water and I got goosebumps all over my whole body . So wonderful . I scurried home just before the stroke of midnight , being as I am the Biggest Baby . ( I love how in Gertrude Stein 's books she always refers to herself as a baby - - butch bossy baby ) . Friday was more of the same , don 't you know . After work I had band practice with PLD for our B0DYH1GH set on Sunday . After band practice we went to celebrate Deer Heart Sam 's birthday on Gay Powers Street , where a handful of gorgeous Brooklyn queers made pitchers of margaritas and we all had a good chuckle in the backyard . There was cake . It was great . What a special evening . We took a cab from Gay Gemini Bday Party # 1 over to Gay Gemini Bday Party # 2 , in lovely Bushwick , described by Neon Ladosha as " The Cunt 's Nest " . I guess I don 't really life in Bushwick , or Williamsburg . I might not live anywhere . Wouldn 't it be cool to be a ghost ? Anyway the second Sexy gay Gemini Bday Party was at David from Mirror Mirror 's old house , which he moved out of but decorated in the spectacular fashion to celebrate his bday with his beau Max . It was so fucking hot in that house . It was unreal hot . We drank some whiskey and saw all these amazing deer friends including extra spooky Joseph Keckler , who arrived with his cohorts Dan and Chavisa looking for trouble . Joseph , who exists as a kind of mystical creature always , was like a vision in head - to - toe black silk . I was jealous but I was also so sweaty that I couldn 't get too worked up about clothes . Cunty Crawford LaDosha was DJ - ing and I got really into dancing to that ancient Missy Elliott song " Pass That Dutch " . I love how that came out right after the Anthrax epidemic ( and maybe even after SARS ) and there are those barely funny intros about a " virus that 's attacking all clubs " and the five - second pause in the middle of the song to catch your breath . I tried to catch mine but it was so hot in that apartment , the black lights were not having their usual desired cooling affect on me . At least not consciously . I had to go . I did go . It was fine . Saturday I did basically nothing . I lied low , tidied the house , and went to get brunch at my favorite place , Vanessa Williamsburg 's Dumplings and took a nap . I 've been trying to meditate every day . It 's so hard . But I did it on Saturday ! The big thing I did Saturday was go to beautiful Miriam 's wedding to the lovely Phil . I 've known Miriam since college , and she was for many years a back - up dance in my band , Max Steele & the Party Ice ( I believe she was " Party " ) . She had spent some time living in Scotland and is deeply in love with a beautiful man and their wedding was on Saturday . I did almost cry . I haven 't been to a ton of weddings , so I was scared I wouldn 't know the etiquette , but I did wear a nice suit , and had so much fun . It was kind of beautiful and emotional and sweet and perfect . I am so happy for them and had a beyond fun time eating delicious fancy food and drinking delicious fancy drinks with my good old college pals . Everyone is so grown up and yet looks so cute young and nubile . What an interesting time to be alive , I think . Everything was gorgeous and I was so happy . I did , though cut out a little bit on the early side ( 11 ) to run up to my neighborhood . I got outta my suit , took an ice cold shower at midnight ( which Miriam recommended to me , as a personal trainer , as a good way to work on my body ) and I put on short - shorts and a polka dot t - shirt and went to a dance party at the Spectrum , the local queer Utopia founded by Nicholas Gorham and Gage of the Boones . Saturday night was a very special night , being DJed and organized by Nath Ann Carrera and Savannah Knoop aka WOAHMONE . It was the best fucking dance party ever , oh my goodness . PLD was working the door and I would occasionally go say hi or loiter out on the curb because I was like , glistening with sweat . Everyone said so . I 'm not embarrassed , I was having fun . I can 't remember dancing so hard for so long . I saw a great many queer legend friends and lovers and good souls there . A real highlight was one of the DJs playing Planningtorock 's " Living It Out " Sunday was a big day , folks . Yesterday was Gay Pride . PLD and I met up early and loaded the gear into a pretty uncooperative cab . The theme for the weekend was creepy cab drivers , man . So ! We went to EVERYBOOTY 2 , a fantastic all day concert and party and alternative Pride event organized by Spank , Earl Dax , and Hey Queen . It was kind of a beyond - magickal gathering at a gorgeous outdoor venue . So many of my truly favorite people performed in the show : Dan Fishback , Nath Ann Carrera , Sequinette and Heather Acs , AB Soto , Gio Black Peter , Jack Ferver , Erin motherfucking Markey , Justin Vivian Bond , Xavier , and more . It was the kind of thing where I had to pinch myself constantly to remember that it was real . If you had told me even a few short years ago that I would be playing a show with these people I would not have believer you . It was such a fantastic day and I am still high from it . Here 's a photo of Nath Ann and me and PLD that Earl Dax ( Girl Snax ) took : Once I was home sick from school and there was a thunderstorm . I was home alone listening to the radio and the power went out . And I was scared ( for some reason ) even though it was broad daylight . And then the power came back on and this song was playing on the radio and I danced and coughed and danced . Last night I fucked up . I won 't go into it but I 've been paralyzed with indecision lately . Can it take so long for symptoms to manifest themselves as crippling fear ? Is there a clinical term for fundamental ambivalence ? Being unable to leave the house , decide what to wear , plan a meal , think clearly about how to communicate . Are these real problems ? I had a friend who I loved very much who was really rich , his folks were loaded , but he became a junkie at age 13 ( seriously ) . A friend of ours referred to him as " one of those rich kids who make problems for themselves " . Maybe in a case like this it 's easy to make that judgment , but don 't we all make problems for ourselves ? If we 're going to go around blaming ourselves for being unhappy , I mean , shouldn 't we all get blamed ? I 'm getting ahead of myself . I 've felt like such a fuck - up this week . I 'm just charging ahead , being a fuck - up , pissing everyone off . Testing the limits . Trying to look forward and not back . And I 've ( clearly ) felt way confused and upset and bored and freaked out . And then last night things kind of came to a head . Like , I was invited on a sort of casual date to go see this pop star who I used to kind of love do a free private performance . And instead of going I stayed in and totally beat myself up . And I felt shitty . But then I was glad I stayed in , because I found out about the new Cat Power song . What can I say about Cat Power ? I am so excited for the new album . I was not the hugest fan of The Greatest or Jukebox but Chan 's haircut , rapping ( she 's totally rapping ) and lyrical scope are really exciting . It feels like a return . Cat Power was huge for me and my friends when we were in high school . She was known for doing shows which would end abruptly , which could be painful to the audience members . Sometimes , Cat Power clearly did not want to perform . She would get nervous , or start crying , and storm off of the stage . I 'm not saying this to be funny - - I think it 's easy to forget that for a long time , Cat Power was an artist whom her fans felt very protective of and forgiving towards . For me , personally , as someone that has struggled with some issues in his life , it has always been a real source of comfort to see Chan Marshall working hers out . I can 't even deign to imagine the experience of being Cat Power in the mid 1990s , and have to do these grueling tours and storm off stage . But I can say that as a young person who wanted to make art , wanted to perform , and was too scared ( and still is ) it meant the world to me for Marshall to prove , again and again , that it was possible to fuck up , to be a fuck - up , to be scared and freaked out , and still be okay . And to still keep going . So to hear a new , upbeat , clear - eyed catchy and complicated new song is particularly exciting . Just at this moment it 's really the best . Maybe I won 't like the new album . Maybe this will be her last record . Maybe things will be different in the future , but right now it feels like taking a hard look at yourself and the world is possible , inevitable , and pretty fucking awesome . So really brilliant . So optimistic - making . I do get such a kick out of Mecca Normal , pretty much always . Here 's a video of a new song that happened , for maybe the first time , on video . I think maybe I am so into Mecca Normal now , because I wasn 't as a kid . When I was a teenager I liked all these artists that were influenced by Mecca Normal , but I couldn 't stomach their own records . I think maybe I wasn 't patient enough , or I wasn 't a good enough listener . Something changed , I guess , when I got a little bit older . And then I got into them . And then their records became so beautiful to me . My favorite Mecca Normal record is probably still Dovetail . But that might be an arbitrary choice . Calico Kills the Cat is also a classic . And of course , Who Shot Elvis ? I do feel pretty grateful and pretty happy , still . Trying to focus on the positive . It 's working ! I mean , it takes work and work makes things happen . I don 't want to be one of those people who is always talking about how great they are on the internet , showing self - shot photographs of themselves and talking about how talented and interesting and funny and sexy they are . It sounds like they are trying to convince themselves or something . I 'm not , I should note , trying to convince myself or anyone of anything , ever . However , I am a Leo and I do like to have my picture taken sometimes , and this is the week when three really sweet and awesome photographers ' photos of me came out , so , this is what I look like when things are good ! Amos Mac took this photo of me a few weeks ago , as part of a whirlwind exciting afternoon when we also shot some B0DYH1GH photos . He had help from his intrepid and very nice young assistant Mars . So much fun . I got to wear my own clothes including the David Wojnarowicz Untitled ( One Day This Kid . . . ) t - shirt which I got when I first moved to NYC and did that Wojnarowicz tribute reading at PPOW Gallery , and the lovely gallery director Jamie Sterns gave me one of the shirts gratis . You can 't really see it , but I 'm also wearing a little button on my jacket which was made by the artist Alex Da Corte and given to me a very long time ago , when I first met him in Philly . I am wearing my lucky charms in my lucky space . Okay ! This photo was taken by Adam Gardiner who I 've known for a while through our mutual friend and psychic poet warrior Thain , and I 've always admired Adam 's work . Perfect Little Daniel and I went to Adam 's house to take photos a few weeks ago , and the awesome Mary Cassola did our hair . I 'm wearing a shirt by Paolo Raymondo which I sadly do not own . I really like these photos which Adam took so much ! I had no idea I could clean up so nicely . It 's almost dissociating to see something that is you but also not you . Maybe everyone else feels this way . Cute , huh ? Last Friday afternoon , I went up to my favorite neighborhood in New York City , Spanish Harlem ( " SpaHa " ) to visit my good buddy and personal hero Walt Cessna . He 's extra extra busy these days promoting his new book FUKT 2 START WITH as well as his ongoing , internationally - renowned visual art career . So I did feel extra extra lucky to get to catch an audience with him last week , before he jets off yet again . We walked around the neighborhood taking photos in the scenery , and I do think we got some good ones . I was looking delightfully shlumpy in my Tim Hamilton t - shirt , but Walter has a way of making even banal , shlumpy , or ugly things seem exciting , beautiful , or , to borrow his preferred term of affection " correct " . So much fun ! But the real reason for this post , kids , is about B0DYH1GH . As you know , we made the soundtrack for the polaroid photo exhibition organized by East Village Boys and the Queer New York International Arts Festival . The exhibition was so cool , and I am so excited to be part of the project . Another photo by Amos Mac , this time of B0DYH1GH with my room mate 's cat , Frida , was used as press in conjunction with the exhibition , and put up on The Advocate 's website . Cool , huh ? But really , okay , this is the end . The musical soundtrack which Daniel and I made , titled BUTTERBAWL is now online . It 's an instrumental , seven - part song cycle , which we worked very hard on , and are quite proud of . And it is now available for download over on EastVillageBoys . Okay you guys I 'm ready to tell you my good news . I 've been holding back on telling people about this for a minute , because the information wasn 't actually public , and I felt self - conscious or whatever ( I 've been kind of going through it these last few weeks I must say ) , but now I guess I am ready to talk about it . I applied for and have been selected as an Artist In Residence at Brooklyn Arts Exchange ( BAX ) for the next year . The fellowship involves studio space , technical and administrative support , as well as something like a home - base to make work in . I 'm almost overwhelmed with my feelings of gratitude , relief , joy and excited to be included in this group of amazing artists , and to be able to work with such an engaged and forward - thinking institution . I want to specifically thank my soul sister Dan Fishback for encouraging me to apply for the program , and believing in me , both in the specific and in the general as well . As lonely as I feel sometimes , I do have friends that support me more than I could ever ask for or probably even deserve and for this , as well , today , I am particularly grateful . For the last six years I 've lived in New York and have been really struggling to make art work and to have good ideas and do them justice , and I 've often felt like I needed to do things entirely on my own . So , getting this kind of institutional support is a really huge deal for me . It means a big progression in how I think and make . It 's also a fairly awesome challenge . So often , things have come together for me mostly out of necessity . I 'm very proud of the work that I 've been allowed to make here in the last six years , but I would be lying if I said I got to do everything in the best way possible - - things get performed because it 's time to perform them . That is just the way it is . Despite my feeling proud of what I 've been able to achieve , I have often felt a tangible regret , thinking how differently things could or should go . I try , as a rule , not to talk about my plans , for fear of not having the resources or ingenuity to bring them to life . So I have not really deigned to dream this big before . It does seem unfair , right ? The way that being smart hurts . The way that knowing too much - - it 's heavy , right ? It takes up a lot of space . We think of ways to express wealth , success , power , imagination . The big one , one of the biggest ones is space . Who 's house is bigger . Who has the more elaborate vision . Who is the loudest . I do definitely feel like there 's this thing that happens , where it 's like . . . people I don 't know feel like they need to take me down a couple of pegs . It 's totally this thing , this paranoid fantasy of how I think people secretly think I 'm really lame . But like , this has always been a constant in my life , even before I started talking about myself ( or anything ) online . I 'm older than the internet . I 've always been secretly afraid that the kids I think are cool secretly talk shit about me . And you know what I 've always been right . Why would I think they are cool ? Their art sucks , they are mean , and most importantly they don 't want to be my friends . I think maybe I need to have my values a little bit clarified . Fuck being cool . Fuck being mean and fuck being cool . Fuck uniqueness . Fuck being discerning . Fuck making decisions . Fuck paying attention . Fuck being smart . I hate this . I get so exhausted . All I wanted to do all weekend was sleep and so that 's pretty much mostly just what I did . I don 't want to talk to anybody . I have been holding my breath and waiting for something to change . I guess for me to change . For me to feel different . One idea I had was that I was not going to make anything say anything or write anything because as soon as I do I feel like I 've lost it , and that 's really just the worst ( I thought ) . The worst , I thought , was feeling ripped off , was feeling like my ideas , thoughts , feelings , words , actions , were stolen , co - opted from me . I thought the worst thing that could happen would be to put myself out there and find myself degraded , taken away , stolen , killed . Now I know that there are worse things . I guess the point is , y ' know , that despite everything , my impatience , my seething , object - less anger . The point is that , you know , I did perform . I got up on stage , and sang and danced to an empty room , and I did have fun . I might have just enough . Here , this thimbleful , right ? This is enough . I am okay . I mean , I know how it looks , I know how it sounds . I know what it 's like , for you . But you don3 : 30 PM Gotta say , I think I still stand by my interpretation , limning out the feminist content ( ha ) . I am so bummed that I missed this ! But at the time I was doing the reading at Dixon Place , it was fun . It 's always fun . a ) Speak my mind , stand up for myself , speak truth to power . Say the feeling . Do that thing of telling the other person what you notice , how it makes you feel . and what you want them to do about it . Be honest . I gotta say , Kylie Minogue feels like Al Gore to me . She should have been our Madonna . Al should have been our president . It 's like a window into an alternate , Utopian reality . I still feel bummed about some things but other things are going pretty okay . Tonight is the debut of the new B0DYH1GH opera " ButterBAWL " at the EastVillageBoys gallery opening . Sister Pico and I are going out to dinner afterward and I am going to wear these fancy new shoes I bought last summer . So angry ! So furious . So upset . You know how one thing turns into a handful of things ? How being angry about one thing sort of makes you angry about another thing / all things ? I 'm definitely having that today . It 's hard to tell what is you and what is the world . I 'm really angry . I feel scared and ashamed of feeling angry , like I have no right to be angry in the first place and certainly no right to express it . Because I feel so conflicted about this feeling , I 'm having a really hard time processing it . I got into what felt like a pretty nasty argument with a lady who works at the deli near my office . I have this $ 1 off coupon for hummus , which has been sitting on my desk for weeks , and I decided that in my constant effort to keep my weight down , I would just bring some vegetable to my job , and eat them with the hummus which should be cheaper since I had the coupon . I had to go to like four different stores to find one that accepted it , and the lady at the deli told me she didn 't want to take it . That the coupon was for bigger stores , like K Mart , not for a small deli . Her deli was pretty big . I had just come from K Mart , they don 't stock hummus . It was only a dollar . She made me wait in the line holding out my coupon and my tub of hummus and then said no . I read it and I asked her again why they wouldn 't take it and she just said no . I stormed out and angrily ate some celery with nothing on it for lunch . But I 'm not really mad about the hummus . I do definitely feel like I can 't stand up for myself . Like I 'm incapable of affecting change in my life . I absolutely feel like nobody has my back , like I need to be able to depend on myself , and I can 't do that . A number of things have made me feel this way in the last several weeks . Including getting our bathroom renovated and having the repair guys root through my bedroom and steal shit ( seriously ) . I feel really ripped off and taken advantage of across the board . But I 'm savvy , and I know what I am actually upset about . What I 'm actually upset about is that someone I had cared about very much , and definitely considered a friend has betrayed my confidence . Which , you know , happens . It 's a fact of life . People hurt each other 's feelings . We 're all still learning . That is okay . But I 've tried , many times , to make it right with this person , and to ask them to fix the situation . Without going too into detail , it seems like a simple fix on their end , to make this thing right . And they 've let me know in very uncertain terms in the past that they would do it . And over the last several weeks it 's been made clear that this will not happen , they had never intended for this to happen , that they do not want to make it right with me , that my feelings do not matter , that they do not consider me a friend . I am pretty devastated . I don 't have much recourse , apart from some very unpleasant options . I am loathe to take the next steps . I feel really sad and angry and it seems to confirm some of my own insecurities : that I am helpless , stupid , etc . Last night Venus went in front of the Sun and I couldn 't see it . I was hanging out with my girlfriend Lola , playing with her sister 's little puppy , Lucy . Lucy seemed to understand what Venus ' dance portends , and was barking hysterically . We were listening to Donna Summer and talking about the future . Somehow things feel sort of okay . Like : this is your life . Now you live in Chaos . Nothing will ever feel good again but maybe you can learn to dance here . I take consolation in the fact , solely , that I have a happy piece of news to share in the coming days / weeks . That 's all . I wish I had some more . The Queer New York Festival kicks off this Thursday night here in New York . EastVillageBoys and QNY are opening the festivial with an art show called FOR PERSONAL USE . June 7 - June 16 , 2012 So the opening party is this THURSDAY NIGHT 6 / 7 / 12 6pm at the Impossible Project . B0DYH1GH has been working quite hard on the soundtrack to the exhibition , and we finally came up with a 7 - track suite , titled BUTTERBAWL , when majority of which came to us on , largely , Mother 's Day . I would love to see any of you NYC friends at the opening . It will be a cute show and our music is great . I am hoping that we can somehow release BUTTERBAWL as well , after the show maybe . Get excited . With many cool queermos , including deer heart Nath Ann Chimera . I 'm doing all these shows with Nath Ann lately , it 's just the best . I so rarely do Party Ice performances . So , if you are curious what it 's like , you should come . Remember that Music Video That The Party Ice Has ? This weekend was great too . Sunday morning I woke up early and did laundry . As much as I like to stay out late and have fun or whatever : I 'm totally an early bird . I am all about getting that worm , honey . Waking up early on Sunday and silently making coffee , doing housework is kind of my favorite thing in the world . If only that was my job . I did laundry , yes , and cooked some pretty random Sunday morning fare : tempeh and quinoa and green peas . Does that sound gross ? You 're right , it was gross . Anyway the point of Sunday is that I went to Bushwick Open Studios , for , like , a second , to see my friend Julia aka Jiddy No - No 's open studios . It was fucking great ! Julia 's new work is , one on hand , clearly an evolution of the themes she 's been working with for the last few years , but also uses new techniques , and newer kinds of content . Here is my favorite piece I saw in her studio . It 's called " THE HIGHEST " As gorgeous as this is , you really need to see her work up close . It 's huge , holographic . You can see more of Julia 's work and ideas on her Tumblr : ANDROID JIDDY . I 'm really fascinated with how she combines sort of conflicting fantasies . She said that throughout the weekend of open studios , people who visited had asked her more than a few times whether the landscapes she makes are Utopian or Dystopian , and her response has been that they 're all both . I think they 're mostly Utopia . Or , they 're a Utopia in the sense that nature and civilization seem to be in balance . It 's as if the planet fights back , the jungles grow into the cities . I like that the tension between paradise and apocalypse , between science - fiction future and mythological prehistoric past , the dual , multiple readings are equally real in Julia 's work . The so - called tension is neutralized . I asked her about the architecture in her work , and she said that she deliberately depopulates her landscapes , there are never people in the pictures . But buildings are there , as a sort of comment on how buildings will outlast us . So , I guess , Julia sort of works with the issue of scale . Physical scale , environmental scale , historical scale . Internal states of balance and perspective . I love her work and am beyond proud to call her a friend . She 's starting her MFA this fall , and I can 't wait to see what she does next . Hey someone , help me set up an art show for her . Let 's do that , you know ? So then after the open studios , I went to B0DYH1GH band practice to run through a few things . Then we went to the Metropolitan BBQ , the Cheapest SummerTime Dinner . I am pledging to live more frugally these days , and the Metro Summer BBQ does dovetail sort of nicely with that . I want to say that it 's always a good time , but that 's not true . So , instead , maybe , the slogan should be : " The Metropolitan : Sometimes It 's Fun " . But you can 't blame the place , right ? After BBQ we hustled over to Cameo Gallery , where B0DYH1GH was playing a fantastic show , Naked Brunch , organized by Joseph Keckler . The other performers were the Idiot , Milena ( cousings with Ms . Joseph Keckler ) , Hari Nef , Joseph Herself , and of course Gerry and the Twinks . I wore my black and white Lanvin Luke / look , comme d ' habitude . Here 's a cute photo Gerry shot of it backstage . I sort of realized that I am basically going for a Trish Keenan effect . Rest in Power . Couldn 't you just ? I think B0DYH1GH did a great set . Some of our newer , more upbeat but still creepy material . Here 's a great photo of us onstage : The other acts were so much fun . Deer Heart Nath Ann Camerra DJed this event as well . Such a fun night ! The headliner was , of course , Miss Gerry & The Twinks . If you think about it , is Gerry Visco sort of # Seapunk ? I 'm being actually serious . I have felt ( and vocalized this feeling ) that Gerry and Ms . Nicki Minaj are sort of headed towards the same logical glamorous pink - haired conclusion , but now looking back at Gerry 's work after her performance , and knowing what I do know about her , she seems to jive with the Seapunk stuff . She closed her set with everyone onstage , her group of twinks singing and dancing along , to an Alvin & the Chipmunks cover version of the Black Eyed Peas ' " I Got A Feeling " . You guys , it was so good . Like , one of those magickal moments that makes you glad that you live in New York . Gerry Visco is so fantastic . Ugh . I 've been seeing a lot of really amazing shows lately , you guys . I just recently went to go see Jukebox Jackie at La MAMA . It was so fucking rad , you guys . It stars Mx Justin Vivian Bond , Bridget Everett , and Cole Escola , and is based on the life , stories , and songs of Ms . Jackie Curtis . It was maybe the snazziest show I 'd seen all year . It 's kind of mind - blowing to watch the cast all together . They 're all such superstars , everyone 's so fucking good . And the show seems like a big hit . A lot of celebrities are going to see it ( other than yrs truly ) . Like , here . Check out this photo from last weekend of Patricia LuPone with Cole : Whaaaaat ? Cole has that shit . eating . grin on her face . Seriously , it 's great show and it 's only up for one more weekend in NYC and you should go see it ! Also in great shows lately , I saw that dog . perform last week . Seriously ! It was kind of so amazing . Oddly had figured into my dream life , so it was nice to come full circle on something as well . Such a nice experience . I went with Dan and Nath Ann , and they all seemed to know all of the words . basically everybody at the venue knew all of the words . I knew , like , some of the words . that dog . used to be one of those bands that you couldn 't casually bring up in conversation among me and my friends , because everybody had feelings about them ( about that one record , really , I mean - - let 's be real ) . I do like the last that dog . record , possibly best ? There 's probably nothing Petra Haden can 't do . Probably . In no small part because Becca Blackwell and Erin Markey are in it . I had gone over to their new apartment to help them move in the day before . They live right near me now ! It 's rad . Well , the next , maybe , two neighborhoods over . Anyway - - social call . Their SHOW was fantastic . It 's closed , but it might happen again . I had a really good time . I had only seen Carmelita 's work on video or in other snippet forms . She was part of the Vaginal Davis Is Speaking From the Diaphragm evening I was part of at PS122 oh so many moons ago ( Becca was also part of it , as one of the " Sit - on - my - Facial " go - gos , but not at the performance I was in ) . So the show , POST - PLASTICA is a post - apocalyptic , futuristic , sci - fi fable about identity , culture , authenticity . It is kind of hard to get into the story of it . I hope that it happens again . I will say that everyone in it did a really great job , the show was kind of bonkers ( in a good way ) and it took me three whole days to fully " get it " . Like , I was at the gym last night , and it sort of struck me , what the show is about . It 's about , to me , delving into a kind of cautious ( dare I say AMBIVALENT ) understanding of culture on macro and micro levels . The ways in which power sort of infects , like a virus , the imaginations of artists . The villainess ( played with scintillating vigor by our favorite Erin Markey ) , sort of reveals herself to be compassionate at the end of the show , without letting the audience immediately know . Colonialism is insidious , more insidious and pervasive than you realize , maybe . To understand how power infects it means stepping back , all the way back , possible out of the picture frame of reality . Carmelita Tropicana is so brilliant to ask these questions this way , when I realize what she 's doing . I hope this turns into a movie . Wouldn 't that be great ? After the show we went to get tacos at this great restaurant by the 103rd St . stop , where I once went with my good buddy Walt Cessna , who I 'm actually going up to visit on Friday . I might go back to this restaurant ? They had really amaizng horchata ? I ate too much that night . Last week there was this performance at the Hole in NYC by Bruce LaBruce featuring Slava Mogutin , Brian Kenny , Gio Black Peter & Carter . I missed it . But I saw these photos from it , the leftovers from the performance . As Bruce La Bruce said about this piece : " It was in support of feminism " . Now , at first , I was like , well , he 's got to be fucking with us , right ? How is this about feminism ? Is that true ? Does he even really believe that ? But then I decided that BLAB isn 't stupid , he knows exactly what he 's doing , which is asking us , by making this claim , to locate how this performance is in support for feminism . It took me a couple of minutes , but I do see that this piece is in support of a certain kind of feminist aesthetic . The post - second - wave thinking of many sort of " classic feminist artists " also informs , I think , BLAB 's work . Bruce LaBruce maps out the Erotics of Radicalism . So , for me , Bruce LaBruce 's art work is , in a sort of punk rock fanboy sense , " in support of feminism " . I made it true by thinking about it hard enough ! BLAB seems to approach feminist discourse in the way that a teenager shops for records , finding the parts that speak to him and illustrating why . Namely , locating the political discourses of violence , militarism , power and oppression within the human body . Locating an erotics , as I said , of radicalism . Making it sexy . Bruce LaBruce 's whole trip about zombies and the apocalypse isn 't " just " a metaphor for queerness . I think it might be tempting to see this as a case of men appropriating feminist thought and artwork but I think that LaBruce is actually trying to recontextualize , rather than appropriate , the iconic language of Mendieta and others . He 's trying to insert himself into this history , to make the history of feminist art include his own artwork , from the outside . This is in support of feminism . I dunno . I think I get it . I got it , I mean , for myself . Hey speaking of being in support of feminism , check out this cute article about Jabberjaw by Dr . Vaginal Crème Davis in Artforum . Vag is such a great writer . What a cool read .
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bytrenchantone © " And you want to play ? " I asked with some little trepidation . I mean , he was putting me at ease , but I was trying to get my head around what might yet happen here tonight . HE might be a relative unknown in our group , but I was pretty well known . Until now , my bottom activities had been pretty much in line with what everyone else wanted to do , which is to say that there was little to no actual sexual activity . The couples in our group tended to keep actual sexual contact out of the general play space . We have access to half a dozen private rooms , and even there the activities have been pretty heterosexual and ordinary . Certainly not the orgiastic things one can read about happening in BDSM clubs . I wasn 't sure how the others would react if Tad came anywhere near where I wanted to go ( and feared to go ) here tonight . I also wasn 't sure how others would react to me after a scene in which I sucked a cock or took one up the ass . Would they see me in a different light ? Would they shun me ? " I do want to do a scene , " he said . " And I would like to do something with you , but I need to know more about what you want , and what your limits are . For example , you say you 're not gay , except in certain circumstances . Would you explain that for me ? " How to explain . Moreover , how to explain it to a gay man in such a way that he isn 't offended or think that I think he 's perverted . But I tried , making all kinds of caveats and disclaimers and trying to convince him that I did not look down on what anyone else did for love , but that the turn on for me in being what he calls a boy slut was that I was not gay , and I didn 't think I would ever try to convince a gay may otherwise just so I could go down on him . Mr . Tad listened without comment to my stumbling and bumbling . This time there were no raised eyebrows or questions to take me off on a tangent . At length , I ran out of things to say , and found that I was repeating myself , particularly the apologies for offending him , if I was . He held up a hand and smiled . " I get the picture , Jim . I 've chatted with a number of the regulars , both Tops and bottoms , about you , and all I 've gotten from them were how sweet and cooperative you are , how you 're always helpful and never thrust yourself into anything unasked . As you know , several of them know what you say you want , but the men here aren 't interested in giving it . Though a couple of them told me that they 'd love to watch , less because they 're interested in the activities than because they care about you and would like to see how you reacted to getting something of what you seem to crave . No one here is going to object to anything I might do with you , and despite what some have said , I suspect that a few might join in , if the mood strikes them or their Tops insist . " He smiled again . " I suspect you know to whom I might be referring . " That really made me feel relaxed . " That doesn 't mean , " he went on , " that I won 't push you to do more than you think you want to do at that moment . It 's part of what turns me on to push little slut - boys ' limits in a variety of ways . " I nodded . I was beginning to feel as I did earlier ; I was back under his spell even though he wasn 't touching me and we weren 't in a scene . He just so excited and attracted me . Maybe I was more gay than I thought , I wondered ? Oh well , I decided , if this went anywhere near where I wanted to go , it would be very hard to tell me from a gay man . Very hard indeed . He leaned slightly forward , as if to emphasize his next question . " Now tell me about your limits . I mean your hard limits ; the things that will make you cry blue if I start to do them or make you call the cops if I don 't stop as agreed . " I didn 't have to think long . " As far as I know - - there may be things you decide you want to do that I haven 't thought of . " He nodded agreement . " I 'm not into blood or drinking urine or eating shit . And I don 't want to do anything in public that would involve innocent bystanders who might not - - most likely did not - - want to be involved . " " Fair enough , " he said . " If anything comes up , let me know as quickly as possible . That is , " he smiled , " assuming you still want to do a scene with me ? " " Just a minute , slut boy . " I stopped , having taken one step away . " Earlier I saw you coming out of the Mens ' Room . That doesn 't seem like the right place for a slut boy . Nor do I think you can just waltz into the Womens ' without permission from the women around here . So you will go around to all of the women here who are not otherwise engaged in scene activities and ask their permission to use their restroom . Assure them that you will not enter if a woman is in there and you will leave the room in better condition than you found it . Do not tell them this , though ; if any woman refuses , you will be punished . So I recommend you be both convincing and sincere . Find me once you have used the restroom . . . or been refused permission . " He said that last bit with a smirk , like he knew something I did not . " Yes , Sir , " I said . Then I looked around to see any women who might not be involved in any scenes at the moment . There was no one close by that I could see . I 'm a bit near sighted and can 't make out much detail at a distance , so I 'd have to get reasonably close to know who was doing what to whom , and who was just watching . I was also trying to figure out what to say and how to say it so that I 'd get permission . I don 't like being punished ; it 's rarely pleasant . I also realized that there was really nothing I could do if someone said ' No . ' It was out of my control . Soon I found Alice watching Cindi on the Catherine Wheel . Cindi was tied face out to the spokes in an X - shape . The wheel was spinning slowly while her Master , Ben , cropped her in various places . I tapped Alice on the shoulder and motioned for her to step away . ( There is nothing quite so disconcerting during a scene than having people not involved carrying on a conversation within earshot of the participants . It takes most people right out of their head space . ) " Alice , Mr . Tad wants me to use the Ladies ' Room , but I need the permission of all the women to do so . Can I have your permission ? " I could feel my face reddening as I asked , and I couldn 't maintain eye contact with Alice , so I was looking at her chin . I thought about that . " He didn 't say . I suppose I 'm should stay in my stall , if I 'm in there or leave if I 'm not . " I was about to turn back to tell Alice , when I saw a lesbian couple sitting at a table , talking . I didn 't really know them . They 'd been to maybe two other parties and seemed to keep to themselves . One was a stocky dark - haired woman in her forties , I suspect . She looked butch and acted very much in charge . The other one was younger , maybe late twenties , blonde hair that hung down to her shoulders , very feminine looking . Is that what they call a Lipstick Lesbian ? They seemed engrossed in their conversation , so I approached to within a few feet and waited , out of earshot I hoped , until one recognized me . The older one finally looked at me . " Do you need something ? " she asked in a neutral tone as her eyes seemed to examine me from head to toe . " No - nothing that I know of , " I said . Suddenly I was very nervous . I was trying to remember if they might have seen me in this get up before and thought probably not . As I said , we hadn 't interacted before this moment . " He just doesn 't think that this slut - boy ( I could feel my face redden as I said those two words ) should use a man 's restroom . " " Oh ? But he thinks it 's okay of you use MY restroom ? Well it 's not okay with me . So what do you do now ? " I know my shoulders slumped . I hadn 't thought about what to do if someone said ' No ' , which was silly since that was a likely response . " Well , I wouldn 't go in if anyone else was in there . And I promise to make sure it is cleaner when I leave than when I go in . I 'm sure Mr . Tad meant no disrespect to you or any of the ladies . " Looking around , the older woman said , " Where is the Mr . Tad ? I want to talk to him . " I looked around quickly , spotted him , and pointed to where he was standing . The older woman got up . " Come with me , both of you . " She grabbed her submissive 's hand and started over toward Mr . Tad , who was watching the whole thing from across the room . I meekly followed along as fast as I could . Mr . Tad held out his hand . " Pleased to meet you both , " he said with his best greeter 's smile . " How may I help you ? Has this , uh , this person been bothering you ? " He pointed at me as he said this , but he did not look at me . Connie seemed to soften a trifle . " No , he has some cockamamie story about not being allowed to use the Men 's and wanting to use our restroom . He said that was your idea . " " Yes , it was my idea , but he has to have the permission of all the women not currently occupied . I don 't intend to inflict this slut boy on anyone . He likes to be humiliated , among other things . So far it seems to be working nicely in that regard . If you don 't want him in the Ladies ' , and I can 't blame you , then he won 't go in there . " " She wants to watch what I do , Sir . She says she likes to watch men pee . " I knew my face was redder now , and I wondered what Mr . Tad was going to say about that . Mr . Tad turned back to Connie and Missie . " I 'm sorry this slut boy bothered you . I 'll see that it doesn 't happen again . Please forgive the intrusion . " Connie answered , " It 's quite all right . I didn 't know what was going on . I guess what you want to do is all right with us . " Connie looked at him a moment and then nodded as if she understood something that I did not . . as yet . " Well , okay then . See you around the room . " And she took Missy 's hand and moved off . Mr . Tad turned to me . " Well , slut boy , was that embarrassing ? " I admitted that it was . " We 're just getting started , and it looks like you won 't be using a restroom anytime soon . You 'll be sure to let me know if you 're in need , won 't you ? " " Yes , Sir . " I was sort of beginning to feel a little pressure , but I decided that I 'd rather wait . Maybe we would be done by the time I was in any difficulty . " Follow me , " Mr . Tad said , and he turned and walked to the center of the large room . There is nothing in the center of the room as all of the equipment - - the pillar where we met , the stocks , the X - shaped cross , and the Catherine 's Wheel were spaced along the room 's perimeter . Once there , he had me stand facing him with my hands behind my head and my legs spread maybe eighteen inches apart . Then he stood back and regarded me , walking slowly around . I closed my eyes . " Open those eyes , slut boy ! " It was a command , and it was given in a loud enough voice that everyone in the room could hear it . " Good , now keep them open . I don 't want you trying to hide from me . I want to see the slut lust in your eyes . " Now he was standing in front of me , and though he isn 't probably more than three inches taller than I am , it felt as if he were towering over me . I could smell his cologne and his sweet breath as he began lightly running his fingers over my hairy chest . " I want to see what turns you on . I 'm going to see just how horny I can make you . And you are going to stand like this and not make a sound . I 'll bet you can 't be quiet for five minutes . I 've seen sluts like you . You 're a squealer , aren 't you ? " He slapped my left butt cheek . " I told you not to make a sound ! " I swallowed hard and settled back into position . This was a test , I decided . He 's testing me to see if I can actually follow instructions . Man , I wanted to move . He had gone back to caressing me : my sides , my front , my back , my cock through the fabric . I felt it stir a little , but I was so concentrating on not moving or making a sound - - and I wanted to at least wriggle in keeping with the wonderful stroking he was doing . The next thing I knew , he had lowered the front of my red panties , exposing my package . He slipped the elastic of the panties under my balls so that my package was sort of pushed front and center . I continued to look straight ahead and not move even as he moved around behind me so that all of my front was exposed to anyone on that side of the room . Behind me now , Mr . Tad brought both of his arms around me and began to play with my nipples . That caused my cock to stir even more . " You like your titties played with , don 't you slut ? " This time I didn 't answer . " Very good , slut . You learn quickly . That will be important as your training progresses . Now I want you to answer me . You like your titties played with don 't you ? " Oh , God . " Yes , Sir . This slut boy likes his titties played with . " It felt like I shouted it . But even if I hadn 't said it at all , my cock was now hard , so anyone looking - - and the people in my field of vision were looking - - could tell that I liked it . But then most of them already knew that . " Very good , slut boy . Now , as I continue to work on your pathetic tits , you will feel the urge to move and wiggle and moan . Keep your eyes open , but you may move - - without moving your feet - - as you feel the urge . " Then he began to pinch and twist my nipples . They are connected directly to my cock . I 've often used nipple play when masturbating because of the effect it has on me . Instantly I felt myself go rock hard , and I moaned and began to rub my ass on Mr . Tad 's cock , which I could tell was hard , too . That didn 't surprise me , but what did surprise me was that I felt pleased that I had made him hard . Soon I noticed that we were the center of attention . I could see couples of all types holding one another and caressing each other and kissing , as they were turned on by Mr . Tad 's symphony on Jim the slut boy . I was embarrassed and turned on and loving it all . And it seemed to go on and on . Time both flew and stood still . Everything seemed to stand still but me . I jerked and wiggled and writhed like a wanton slut . But then that 's what I am . Eventually , he began to slow , to bring me down from the writhing mass of need I had become . He brought me down slowly , and when at last he stopped I heard applause ! I think if he hadn 't been holding me , I might have collapsed . I suddenly felt just so worn out . My breath was coming in deep drags . My chest heaved . My nipples were on fire . All around me were people who had openly watched what felt to me like one of the more erotic things I had ever experienced . " Can you stand ? " he asked , care and sympathy oozing from his voice . I nodded Yes . He put my hands at my side and looked me in the eye . Then he looked down at my erection . " Don 't have to ask you if you liked that , " he said with a chuckle . " Now we 're gonna give the people a show . " Huh ? I thought . What had we been doing if only now we 're gonna put on a show ? But I didn 't say anything . I was in total sub mode . I would do whatever he wanted . I wanted whatever he wanted . I knelt , keeping my eyes locked on his , feeling my heart pounding . I knew every eye was on us , but I could only see him . I could only hear him . " Unzip my pants . " I ripped my eyes from his and pulled his zipper down . " Good , now take out my cock . " It came out easily , but it was already hard , circumcised , maybe six inches long and an inch in diameter . I knew everyone was watching , wondering if I would go through with it ; maybe wondering , too , if he would go through with it . I knew he would go through with it . And I knew I would , too . I would let everyone in the room see me suck a man 's cock . There was a part of me that was afraid . . . embarrassed . . . mortified . But that part was overwhelmed by the part of me that would do it . I knew what he wanted me to say and how he wanted me to say it . " Yes , slut boy . Suck my cock . That 's a good slut boy . " He spoke softly . There was no need for his voice to carry past me . I continued to stare , mesmerized I think , at his cock , and it stared back at me , unwinking . I was in this moment that I had fantasized about , yet it was nothing like my fantasies . Always in my fantasies I was naked in a room full of naked men , and my hands were cuffed behind me , and they lined up and shoved their cocks in my mouth . I was the passive receptacle for their lust . bytrenchantone © 2 comments / 39188 views / 7 favoritesShare the loveTweetReport a BugSubmit bug reportPreviousNext3 Pages : 123123GoLogin or Sign UpStoriesPoemsStory SeriesTags PortalChatForumAdult StoreMoviesWebcamsMobile VersionFAQSearchEnglish | Spanish | German | French | Dutch | Other languagesAll contents © Copyright 1998 - 2012 . Literotica is a trademark . No part may be reproduced in any form without explicit written permission . Terms Of Services | Report A Problem | PrivacyUsername : Password : Forgot your password ? 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" The world is ending , though few lend such thoughts credence . Great powers seek to sweep the board clean , I have seen it ! For centuries mankind has persevered , offered its foes cold steel , held fast in its faith , and bared its teeth toward adversity . As the new moon waxes , however , shrill voices echo throughout the night and fear cloaks people 's minds , blunts their courage . They are no fools , I say . It is right to fear . Watch your neighbours and fellow men and women , for the enemy lies within . No walls shall keep it out . The world is ending , and soon this will be a charnel - town , drowning beneath the malignant shadow of evil . " Fear , anger and suspicion grip the town of Gramheim as more and more people go missing or are found gutted on street corners . There are increasing reports of the most heinous crimes committed with gleeful violence and defiled remains strung up on facades , lantern posts or strapped to statues in morbid mimicry . The burgomeister himself has vanished without a trace , his left hand bearing the city 's signet ring the last clue as to his whereabouts . The interim government has called on the Count for help , but no answer has come . So far the aldermen have proven signally impotent , unable to deal with the growing chaos . Citizens bar their homes before nightfall and stand guard in shifts , mindful of their families and belongings There is talk of the supernatural , of curses and witches , vampires and werewolves . Others believe one or more serial - killers are the cause of the calamity that has befallen Gramheim , whereas there are still those who maintain to be blissfully ignorant and dismiss the concerns and rumours as idle gossip . After all , what delusional mind would believe in something as ridiculous as corpses shambling through the alleys or vicious packs of beasts ? Graves emptied ? Surely the work of grave - robbers . Howling in the night ? Mongrels and mutts fighting for scraps . Atrocities happen nightly . Strange markings are found on walls , claw marks on doors and shutters , archaic scripture painted in blood on signs . Concerned for mass hysteria , the City Watch has devoted more effort to silencing these vile acts rather than hunting down those responsible for the murderous tide that sweeps through Gramheim 's cobbled streets and bloodies the gutters . Things have nevertheless gotten so much out of hand that no matter what labour dedicated to hiding the bedlam is sufficient . However , even in the darkest of times , there are always heroes to be found - sometimes in the unlikeliest of places . As Gramheim cowers and tears itself apart , some champions are united by capricious fate . There is strength in working together , but whom can one trust in times as these ? It remains to be seen whether these would - be heroes , have what it takes to survive , let alone find out what evil is behind these disappearances and killings . Located on the south bank of the river Gram , the town serves as a regional capital and trading hub . Famous for its stockyards , where the great cattle drives end in the heat and stink of a Gramlander summer . For several days , the streets are filled with livestock being brought to market and retainers of the cattle lords eager to spend their pay . The Gramheim City Watch often hires more help during this time to keep at least some control over the " celebration " . The stockyards are near the docks where the slaughterhouses and abbatoirs are located , so the cut meat can be salted , cured and loaded onto barges for easy transportation downriver . Recently , a cabal of merchants has begun experimenting with ice brought from the mountains and kept magically cool , to keep the meat fresh during transportation . The Salter 's Guild of Gramheim , fearful for a loss in profits , in turn has threatened violence if the experiment continues . Even though the town is growing more unsafe , business must go on . It is the culling season , and the great cities down the Gram River are not going to supply themselves in terms of beef and pork . During the day charlatans and wizards make golden deals , though there is quite some risked involved in their trade . Not all luck - charms or protective wards work . Paying for a bundle of crow - bones from a street wizard is stupid and dangerous . Trying to cheat one 's customers is even more so . The people of Gramheim might be scared , but they are angry too . Knives are drawn much faster these days , and swindlers never stay in town long . These unexplained crimes form the perfect opportunity for a variety of accounts to be settled . Flicking away the whickered bottle , a last lurch at its mouth , he shouldered his pack and followed the main street to the town 's square . There appeared to be no system to its manure - reeking streets , instead it was a wild collection of twists and turns until suddenly he arrived at a cobbled square . Gargoyles hung from several facades , the town houses there clearly owned by the wealthier merchants . He trudged on , down a side - lane and towards the docks where the cobblestones eventually gave way to a muddy , grimy ditch that had to masquerade for a street . Winter was coming soon , already doing battle with the end of autumn . There was already strength in its frosty fingers . The winter season was stubborn in Gramland , and tended to outstay its welcome every year . At night temperatures plummeted , leaving the puddles in the road frozen over , and the cobblestones slippery with ice . The ground lay hard as bones come dawn , and the fattened cows and pigs herded through the streets complained loudly when ushered into their pens at the quays . Some broke their legs on the way over , and were slaughtered on the spot , their meat sold at the morning market . Men wrapped themselves heavily against the encroaching bites of frost and looked at the grey skies in anticipation of the snows and deep winter . Afterwards would come the Gramlander short spring and even shorter summer . Families huddled together around flickering fires , mindful of the infringing shadows . Folk said it was during the longest nights in midwinter that the Wild Hunt rode out in force . Everyone had grown up with the tales of the spectral riders racing through the air , devils swooping down to steal souls and children . They were told , time and again , memories of an ancient era passed into myth . Yet , there were rumours now that those ancient memories were not simply that , but forgotten truths come back to haunt Gramheim . Little to no work could be done on the poor fields any longer , and the countryside was empty but for the murders of crows and solitary coal - burners or shepherds . The culling season had begun , and no hands could be spared from the cattle business . Slaughter , sell and send on its way - after the beef and pork would float on heavy barges down the river Gram , people could hibernate , yet for now there was work to be done . When the sun rose , its light was pale as if coming through milky glass . Its weak rays barely managed to provide any warmth , and when the sun passed again beyond the horizon for another long night the cold returned with a vengeance . A low - hanging mist was slithering into town from the docks . Cregan took an angry look around him . He felt tired , dirty and ill . The streets were nigh on empty at this time of day and he himself wanted a place to get even more drunk , find something to eat and rent a bed . It was as if his bones had been burnt , and he had to drag his limbs through a muddy bog . In the faint light of dusk , the narrow hovels clustered together tightly , as if gripping one another for support . They rose from the refuse and filth of the streets in uneven , jagged rows like a crone 's teeth . Out of all the houses in front of him , only five had slate roofs and straight walls of dressed stone . The others were made of wattle and shoddy brickwork with thatch - roofs and crooked corners . The region of Gramland was not a wealthy place , torn apart by squabbling nobles with a claim to one title or other . Somehow they managed not to deal with the bandits hiding in the hills and deep forests . They were too preoccupied with counting their silver and tourney - play . There were more poor places than rich in the world , Cregan knew . Gramheim might have been the largest port and only true town of Gramland , but it also had some of the poorest buggers as its inhabitants . The local count and his court preferred to dwell for the majority of the year in their private estates near the south - eastern borders , so they could hunt and train their falcons . Only in deep winter did the count and his retinue trudge back to the regional capital , sheltering in the massive castle overlooking the town . The vast keep ensured they were isolated from the worst cold and the worst squalor of their subjects . Cock and Bulls , the sign read , displaying a big red rooster and two green bull - heads . The joke was not lost on him , and a low gargling noise emerged from his well - smeared throat . He was laughing . Especially since the business adjacent to it was clearly a brothel , advertising The Salty Clam for its illustrious name . In spite of the allusive moniker , the Cock and Bulls seemed respectable enough , likely hosting a variety of patrons . Cregan pulled his longcoat tighter around his brawny frame , the stitches almost giving as the heavy fabric was drawn taut across his broad back and shoulders . After another glance down the street he moved toward the two establishments , one of the only ones where light poured from the stained windows . There was some carousing to be heard from within . The hand - painted - badly painted , mind you - sign hung from the doorpost , and he had to duck to pass under it and into the inn . He snickered again because of the name of the alehouse . After letting the door fall shut in its creaking hinges , Cregan observed the gloomy room . A slow , sullen murmuring filled his ears , sharp laughter and high - pitched giggles cutting through which made his head hurt . Or rather , which made it hurt even more . He sensed the mood was stifled , surly people sitting at trestle tables and aged benches . The room was a low one . Old straw lay in the corners , reeking and mouldy . Tallow candles sputtered with greasy flame , streaking their alcoves and the daub walls with black . A quick look was all it took to realise they were mostly scum or downtrodden . Just like me , Cregan cynically told himself . There were others too though , sat at the better furbished back of the room , closer to the hearth and more beyond on an elevated level . Not just the downtrodden attended the Cock and Bulls . Some of the patrons turned to look at him enter , most turned back to their drinks , conversational partners or bought women . Most , Cregan noted , but not all . One man with a salt - and - pepper beard kept his calm eyes on the newly arrived guest . A frown sat etched on his forehead , much like on Cregan 's . Then , after a few moments the fellow returned his interest on the tankard in front of him . His thick boots made the wooden floorboards squeak as he marched forward toward the bar . Cregan ignored the bearded lout . The old fool probably lusted after Cregan 's warm and heavy coat . He can try and take it if he wants , he thought grimly . Better men than him had , and failed . " Beer , " he told the woman standing behind the bar , his voice gravel - coarse . She was wearing an apron , and busy with counting coppers into a clay jar . Slightly overweight , it seemed her best years were behind her . " Something to eat . " The bitch looked at him irritated , as if serving customers was not her task even though employment at or ownership of a business like this one implied as such . " Keg or bottle ? " She screeched . A single brow went up at the question . To have beer from a glass bottle was a rarity , an oddity . Cregan ogled the ones on show carefully , trying to discern whatever was written on the faded labels that stuck to the deep green and thick glass . Long corks protruded from the bottlenecks . The characters he attempted to read were foreign , angular and non - sensical . Plundered stock then , he surmised , anything could be in them . I better not . " Keg , " he said , throwing a single silver piece onto the tabletop . The woman got up and filled a tin tankard with a dark brown liquid . There was practically no head on it , none of the usual froth dark heady beers had . Cregan took a sniff . It almost smelled like beer , almost . But there was more than a bit of the drain about it too . Nevertheless , Cregan took it up and shuffled over to one of the benches lining the daub walls . Sitting down heavily , he noticed the man with the salt - and - pepper beer had left , but none of the other clientele paid him any attention . He sighed and took a sip of his drink , dropped his pack next to him . The metal and apparel within jostling , mixing with the jingling of glasses and cutlery of the heated room . The beer had a sour finish after the initial sweetness subsided , but he had had worse . Much worse , as he recalled the rubbish he had drank in Engelfold . It was wet , it would take the edge of his mood and ease his burning bones and sluggish arms and legs . Not much else mattered for now . Cregan pushed himself back against the wall , reclining and then letting his legs stretch out against the floor , studying his feet . His boots had once been something to be proud of : expensive leather , expertly sewn , steel in the heel and tip of them . Now they were just like him , faded , battered and worn - out . He grunted in self - loathing and shifted his pale eyes to his legs . Though it was hard for him to remember , he had been considered tall . Handsome even . Now he just looked big and weathered like an old willow . The muscles that had swung steel and iron were still there , but were encased in an unwelcome layer of fat he had put on in the last two years . His features had become lined and hard from the elements and the sea . His dark hair , jet - black in his youth , was now ragged and stained with white from the sea - salt . It was slowly coming off , but the tresses kept on a grey colour . At least when he looked in a silver platter or bowl of water he saw the colour of his eyes - grey like the flank of winter wolf - had remained the same , even though his eyes themselves were set in a stranger 's pale face and underlined with red . When he looked at his sorry reflection he saw his father 's eyes stare back at him , and then cursed his curiosity . Even from beyond the Last Door the bastard managed to haunt him , find him wanting and unworthy of his legacy . The dark beer went down easily , too quickly . Before he knew it , the drinking flagon was nearly empty . Cregan left the dregs where they were , bubbling like molten grease at the bottom of his tankard . You never really wanted to know what was in those dregs . He gestured the woman for another . She brought one over , grumbling as she approached . " And ? That silver was enough to cover one pint and the meal . You want another ? Pay up . " she said , holding out a grimy palm . Cregan paused . His payment should have been good for it . His stash was almost empty , just like his cup . He had paid in silver after all , minted in Murwick across Marten 's Gulf , taken from a trader braving the Western Enderid . That merchant and his cog now rested at the bottom of Cyn 's Deep . Nobody in this town probably knew any of those places , Cregan presumed bleakly . Cregan was about to protest , but the alcohol had sunk deep into his body , almost as deep as the Murwick cog had in the sea , and had made him lethargic . Who cared if he was being swindled ? The money would be gone soon enough anyway . Let this cunt have it , he thought indifferent to his own misery . After pressing a second piece of silver into her hand , she skulked off . He took a thoughtful sip , for the amount he was paying he should make it last and try to enjoy it . A second sip followed soon after . And a third . The familiar warmth and solace spread through his leaden body . Watching the common room , taking in the scent of cooking food , he managed to slink into something of a relaxed state of mind . When Fingal Skinner fawningly offered up his place at the head of the family trestle table , Algernon knew it was all over but the shouting . He had been concerned the overextended rancher might try to hold out , bound to ruin by stubborn pride , but Mr . Skinner 's wide , desperate eyes and pained smile now seemed to assure him otherwise . He respectfully obliged his host , wedging into the chair with difficulty until he attained something passing for a comfortable sitting position . With jutting knees and elbows and a head that nearly brushed the kitchen 's low ceiling , he seemed rather like a giant who had stumbled into a dollhouse , which Maude , the youngest Skinner girl , remarked in a fit of giggles . Their interview consisted largely of Algernon elaborating the family 's dire straits with the aid of many sheets of dark , sumptuous parchment with very fine typeface , a storm of top - shelf words and legal terms as wholly obscure to Mr . Skinner as a wizard 's cant , and Algernon 's painstaking clarification of them . With each new clause and proviso raised , however , the look of apprehension on Mr . Skinner 's drawn face hardened into suspicion , and finally resentment . It seemed Algernon had misread the man 's initial flattery , imagining his client to be on the cusp of surrender , when he had actually been harboring the delusional hope for some saving grace at the eleventh hour . Though not an educated man , Mr . Skinner knew enough to see he was instead getting the wrong end of the stick , and feeling the fool , was determined to spitefully dig in his heels . By the time Algernon had finished his patter and withdrawn a quill pen and inkwell , the other man was glaring back at him with naked animosity . He would have to be cutthroat beneath all the courtesy if he wished to avoid leaving empty - handed . " So , you see , Mr . Skinner , " Algernon was concluding , " I 've done everything I possibly can for you . Believe me , this is the best offer you 're like to receive anywhere . No one 's going to want what my employer turns up his nose at , or elsewise appears to - at least not at market price - and the ugly truth is you simply cannot survive the coming winter without making this deal . You gave it your best , Mr . Skinner , a valiant effort , truly . But now it 's time to put your ambitions aside and look to your family . " " You like watchin ' a man 's dreams die right before his eyes , do ya , boy ? " he hissed . The veins in Mr . Skinner 's thin neck were standing out and spittle flecked his lips as he quavered out the words . " That what getchoo off ? " " Mr . Skinner , if you please , let 's not get nasty , " Algernon said with an upraised hand . " My employer has kept to the arrangement which was agreed upon when you declined to sell last spring . All decisions as to the management of your ranch were entirely your own . " You just went and made all the wrong ones , you slack - jawed churl . " Yeah , ' n all the bad luck , too ! " Mr . Skinner fumed , pacing up and down his kitchen . " I ain 't get one lick o ' help from that puffed up li ' l runt when all them heifers ' round these parts started dyin ' off . Nor reimbursement neither . " " Mr . Alehorn is a businessman , as I 'm sure you understand , " Algernon replied coolly . He would have to speak as if to a child . " In addition to the earnings he makes off his own assets , he is known to provide services - and occasionally compensation in the form of monies , materials , or livestock - for such cattle farmers as furnish him with joint possession of their lands . So when some of those cattle die and Mr . Alehorn replaces them , it 's simply a matter of taking care of his investments . Investments , Mr . Skinner , in which your ranch was not included . As per your request . Now , if you had taken my advice originally and shared ownership of your property , or sold to us before the auction season . . . " In the next room , there was a small squeak as Mrs . Skinner began to sob . Algernon regarded the broomstick of a woman as she sought vainly to stifle her weeping with a handkerchief , her children staring up at her with looks of muted concern and incomprehension . The littlest one , Maude , glanced to her father , and Algernon was struck with odious inspiration . " Come here , child , " he called to her . Maude hesitated a moment , squeezing a stuffed troll doll in her arms before waddling over beside him in her father 's chair . " How old are you , my dear ? " " This many . " The girl held up four of her tiny fingers , then presented the toy in her hands , comically big - nosed and snaggletoothed . " I just had my birfday . Papa brought me Misser Kwuntch from town . " Mr . Skinner had gone quiet , eyeing his guest warily during the exchange with his daughter . At Algernon 's words , he scoffed . " You ain 't ever live like this . I know a city man when I see ' im . " " Oh , you know how to fend off wild animals , I am quite sure . You are capable enough to scare off a few stray wolves or the rare bear or big cat , I have no doubt . But all these things are far from the worst of it , Mr . Skinner . " " There are other things out here , on the plains , beyond the hills , " he went on , " terrifying things that prey on civilized beings for bloodsport . You would have been wise to accept the protection Mr . Alehorn alone can provide to folk outside the city when it was first tendered to you . But the best you may hope for now is the payout he has so generously permitted me to offer you and your family . " And it 's a damn sight better than you deserve . " I am sorry things had to turn out this way , but you can always start again . Not every man is made for life out here , and most die before they find that out . " Algernon handed the doll back to the girl , and mussed her head again while staring at her father . " Or do so only once they 've paid the dearest of costs . " His host 's eyes darted back and forth between them . He was haunted , Algernon knew , by nightmarish fantasies and possible tragedies . Behind him , Mrs . Skinner had sidled up to lay a hand on her husband 's shoulder . She whimpered softly , and he held his hand over hers . Algernon asked little Maude to hand him his briefcase at his feet . She obeyed awkwardly but eagerly , playing as if Mr . Crunch were using his considerable trollish strength to pull it up . Algernon then set her down with a final pat on the head , and deftly began to shuffle out the necessary paperwork to complete his business . Mr . Skinner 's lip curled when he observed this quick turnabout , but when Algernon presented the inkwell and held out a lustrous quill pen , the rancher snatched it from his guest 's outstretched hand and , in lieu of a signature , scratched one angry ' X ' after another onto the desired sheaf . Stepping out into the chill air , Algernon stole a glance at some of the Skinner chattel , haggard , emaciated things penned in by slapdash timber fencing and grazing with little success on dying grass . He doubted they were worth half the price that had been paid for them , but Mr . Alehorn was a perfectionist about such things ; he would not be satisfied until he had everything he felt owed . Algernon imagined that what his employer felt owed was everything , but had decided long ago to leave such concerns to Mr . Alehorn 's competitors and confessor , and to simply do his job as best as he was able . If the gods or the free market didn 't want the old dwarf to gain a monopoly , well , they could do something about his rapacious expansion themselves . Glimpsing over his shoulder despite himself , he saw the Skinner family ranch set like a house - shaped bundle of kindling in the middle of vast and shabby prairie preceding a huddle of craggy foothills . Well - trampled earth was turning hard from the cold , and the sod sparse and sallow . Even without Algernon 's fearsome implications , the various ranches would have a hard time of it feeding themselves and their livestock through winter . He turned away and looked forward towards Gramheim , content that there was a silver lining to the necessary misery he so frequently had to deliver . By the time Hemlock emerged from the small house , the sun was hanging low in the sky , its weak rays struggling to penetrate the fog creeping along the dingy streets . It was nearly dusk , and what little light did manage to break through was cold , grayish light that suggested winter would soon be bearing down on Gramland . It was coming earlier every year . Leaves that should , by all rights , still be changing and colouring the world with brilliance had fallen , brown and dead . Even cold - hardy plants were withering under the chilling touch of icy winds blowing in from the North . For the very young or the very old , the cold was already enough to pierce the lungs , bringing cough and fevers . Apart from the biting cold , however , something else gripped bitterly at the edges of the town as though it were trying to take hold - - but what it was , he couldn 't say . This winter , thought Hemlock , is going to be a bad one . As a general rule , the witch did not stay in Gramheim once the sun began to set , not if he could avoid it . He had gotten a late start today , having spent the majority of his morning harvesting the last of the herbs he knew could no longer tolerate the declining temperatures , as well as scouring trees in the deepest parts of the forest to collect any remaining lichen . It was past midday by the time he reached the town , and nearly dusk by the time he 'd made his usual rounds . His pack was heavy ; people were keen to purchase this week , perhaps in anticipation of the coming cold , and he had reaped a myriad of payments . Now , instead of herbs and tinctures , the little leather satchel was neatly packed with wrapped tallow , a jar of milk , and even a bit of bread leaven . A small handful of coins were tucked into an embroidered pouch at his hip , procured ( at his opposition ) from the family he 'd just left . Their youngest son had taken ill with cough and , when the town physician 's attempts to draw out the " bad airs " had failed , the mother had sought out Hemlock in a bout of desperation . After assuring the woman that the boy 's blood was best kept inside of his body , he had given over a pouch of lungwort and osha root , instructing her on how to brew from them a tea that would help clear the lungs . He also instructed her on what would seem common sense : keeping the boy out of the cold , encouraging rest , and cleaning ( with soap ) the wounds left from the physician 's treatments to ward off infection . He neglected to mention how absurd he thought blood - letting was , but he couldn 't help wondering how physicians still got away with such practices . ( He had read accounts of medicine , how some physicians were developing new methods of curing the ill as they abandoned what they considered to be ignorant and barbaric practices . Gramheim , it seemed , was behind the times in that regard - - as it was in many . What could be done about that though , he wasn 't sure . ) In return , and perhaps for not involving scalpels or leeches , the woman had pressed coins on him until he reluctantly accepted . He didn 't like to take coins when he could avoid it ; he 'd long since found that he would much rather trade than buy and sell . There were even times he would 've been happy to give , not expecting anything in return , but most wouldn 't hear of such . Even when the townsfolk had to tighten their belts for the makings of a bad winter . In all reality , such a notion was ridiculous . Hemlock hadn 't the slightest knowledge of curses - - though he felt it wise to keep that to himself . Sometimes it seemed that fear was the only thing keeping some of the less savory citizens away . Which was , admittedly , most of them . A wind kicked up around him as he continued down one of the cluttered side streets , bringing with it a sting of cold and the faint but pungent smell of blood . That was one thing the cold was good for - - the blood spilled during cattle culling mostly froze in such weather , preventing the reeking stench from overpowering the town . Given , the town smelled appalling either way , but he supposed every little bit helped . Drawing the woolen , fur - lined cloak tighter about his thin frame , the witch braced himself against the cold and continued on . Racing the fading light wasn 't a concern to him , even without a lantern . He knew the paths into the forest by heart , and the weather would be milder once he was back in the still shelter of the trees . There was always the small risk of predators , but given the choice , he take them over some of the townsfolk . What he had failed to anticipate was the increased number of militia patrolling the streets . More than most anyone , the patrol seemed to favour hassling him - - stopping him to ask inane questions and posing mild accusations for odd happenings around the town . There was , of course , never any credence to their words . He supposed they did it out of boredom , or perhaps even curiosity they did not wish to admit . Some , he felt , did it out of would - be malice , though when it came down to it , no one had ever done more than poke around his satchel , only to find a disappointing lack of severed fingers or disemboweled frogs . Usually , there was a routine patrol . It was something that Hemlock had memorized so he could do his best to avoid the confrontations . He had nothing to hide , but he preferred not to be stopped when possible . He didn 't always know what to say to the men who stopped him , and he knew that people talked . Every now and then , the patrols would change or the men would walk a different route , and every now and then he would run into one or two . Now , there were more than usual . Throughout the day , Hemlock had seen at least ten different men , and he couldn 't help but feel that some unnamed thing was lurking at the edges of Gramheim - - like some great shadow , waiting to fall upon the town . Outsider though he was , even he had been privy to some of the late - night murmurings of the wary and the superstitious that had begun to circulate . " Well , well , wouldja lookit that . " The taller of the two men had stopped , elbowing his companion with a chuckle as he gestured at Hemlock . " What you doin ' outta them woods ? " " Run outta goats to keep ' im warm , I wager . " Peals of raucous laughter sounded along the street . One of the men placed a heavy , gloved hand on Hemlock 's shoulder , though the action wasn 't an amiable one . " I don 't raise goats , " said Hemlock passively . He had been taught never to rise to people 's taunting ; never get angry at the ignorant . The older he got , the easier it had become to ignore the jeering . " Right , i 's chickens he keeps . " The shorter , wider man grinned at him . His yellowing teeth were bared beneath his dripping , protuberant nose . " That makes you a cock - fucker , eh ? " He pulled roughly at the beaded feathers that decorated Hemlock 's hood , and more laughter followed . Both is fine , though I 'm comfortable as Aggressive . I don 't stop coming up with ideas and am happy to shut up or throw my lot in . Whatever is needed . Science Fiction , Historical , Modern , Fantasy , Horrour , Alternate Reality . . . Surprise me ! If there 's a chance for character development a great story , I 'm probably game . Yaoi , Furry , too Romance centered . . . I 'm drawn to weaving a larger story with tons of character development . I know that 's possible in these , but they 're just too soft for me to really dive into . Dusk approached and the patter of footsteps in the halls slowed . Groundskeepers walked with the bulk of the students taking their leave , lighting scorns hung on the walls along the way . Like the cold season , the academic year had only just begun . Furthermore , Gramheim University was a large and winding place apt to disorient newcomers . The institution spanned a hundred acres southwest of noble - born surrounding the hill . Centuries of history took place or were otherwise recorded in those halls . Few knew them all , of course . Snowbeard professors and their grey pupils might , but learning of such seemed a great privilege . A privilege all the more unlikely so close to sunset when the students an hour 's ride or more dared feel the cold 's bite . As the skies grew darker and the groundskeepers stoked the hearths , few remained in the corridors of the university - - few , but some . Edwin sat at a wood slab table in front of an old leather codex , a notebook , and his fob watch . His white shirt sleeves rolled up to his elbows , revealing a watch and a few black tattoos from the northern lands . The bags beneath his eyes took on a darker hue and his he 'd loosened his tie some time ago too . Still , the man across from either did not notice or did not care to take a hint . Some time ago the first bell rung . This was a courtesy warning of sunset in a few short hours and , typically , when most wrapped up their work . The second bell would soon sound as a final warning . He doubted the man would notice that one either and his boy looked utterly pleased too . They looked alike , aside from the great many lines rising from the father 's brow . Both wore fine blue tunics and fashionable furs upon their shoulders . Their skin was pale , hair dark , and where the lad had patches of scraggly hair upon his cheek and chin , the father boasted a full beard , if also a touch scraggly . Edwin recognized the crest upon their tunics . The family lived in a modern home at the base of the hill not far from the university of Harbeo Manor , either . No surprise the man felt no rush to leave . " Draining me coffers for the boy to learn an ' you teach ' em gutter - shite wives tales ? Thomas 'll be the family treasuruh one day . No time soon with all this , I 'd say , " the man growled , slamming a fist against the table . The boy , Thomas , leaned over the table and to add , " Yeah ! Came tuh learn numbuhs an ' whatnot . What 's uh treasuruh to do with werewolves an ' wizards an ' make - believe ? " Reclined in his wooden chair , Edwin waited a moment for the father - son duo to finish . For half a minute he made to speak , going so far as to open his part his lips , only to shake his head and quizzically look to some high - up bookshelf . He did this until finally opening the child - size codex in front of him . The table rattled as the cover hit the wood and , notebook in one hand , he placed a finger on a line of handscribed text . Edwin glanced to the pair over his round - rimmed glasses . " Allow me to share a line or two . . . " " On the first night the body of a stag appeared at the edge of town . The city watch noted an influx of huntsmen , wrote it of as a foolishness . A hundred silver paid to increase patrols . On the third night two ox found dead , stomachs slit and innards scattered about the streets . The city watch cited two known vandals . Public hearings held , vandals too poor to pay , and two hundred silver paid in total to right situation . On the seventh night heaps of flesh were found on the doorsteps of the chapel , bones near and within the well , and a great howling was reported in the night . Burgomeister ordered monks place hold cleansing ritual throughout town , patrols increased , and a thorough cleaning of public wells . Six hundred silver in all paid for services , " Edwin looked to Thomas over his glasses once more . " A total of how much was paid in city funds in this week ? Quickly . " Thomas squirmed in his seat . One could almost see the equation in the lad 's mind , not quick , but not slow either . The lad 's eyes opened wider and he sat straight . " Nine hundred silver , " he answered , his pride in knowing quickly turning to surprise . " In one week ? Gramheim couldn 't afford that . " " I fail to see your point , Harbeo , " Thomas 's father interjected . He pointed to the book with a raised brow . " An ' what nonsense is this ? " " Sharp mind , Thomas , " Edwin said , winking over his glasses . " This is a daily log of Gramheim transcribed by the monks by order of the count centuries ago , after the Red Prince . Each city maintains one and periodically sends reports to the count 's office . They do so to track corruption , dissent , et cetera . Listen to the boy . A proper treasurer uses our history as a guide with which to estimate future costs and whether or not we might endure them or run completely dry . Important so close to the culling season , doubly so with recent events . Now , " Edwin shut the codex hard and fixed his gaze squarely on the father . " I mean to teach young Thomas to identify the cues necessary to guide wise decision - making . Cues weaker minds might see as happenstance , he shall see as an evolving market . A few weeks and his eyes have already opened . Alas , if you don 't trust my words look to my past students . Mathias Hemming of the Lord 's Court , Algernon Bell with Baron Alehorn , the navigator Lisandra Salander . " " I trust you will . And I trust while you track them down you will leave me to my work , " Edwin replied sternly . He took his notebook and the codex in a hand and stood . " Thomas , study hard . A sharp mind like yours , I am inclined to arrange a few introductions . " Edwin made his way through the main corridor toward the exit . His footsteps echoed and with few left in the library , the sound seemed to carry throughout . He could hear the father 's grumblings and the boy too . He expected a word from the headmaster , but paid it little mind . The library had a few exits , this one leading to the main hall , which further down connected to the professors ' wing as well . He stopped by his office on the way out , leaving the codex and grabbing his cloak and scarf . He paid special attention dressing himself so that when was said and done little more than his eyes could be seen . Re - merging into the main hall , Edwin found Thomas and his father nearing the university 's main door . Edwin quieted his steps and took care to walk near the ornate pillars lining the wall . " Looked a touch ill , to you , yeah ? Puhaps he 's uh beast behind these horrors . Aye , boy ? " " He 's not unkind , pa . I change muh mind , I 'd like to stay . " " If yer sure . Doubt he 'll see spring anyway , whatever sickness has ' em . " The half elf hid himself leaned against a pillar as the two took their leave . He expected few horses remained at the stables and preferred to avoid an awkward goodbye . Besides , he looked ill ? A finger ran down his cheek , despite the gloves , he thought they felt sunken . Some warm food would help , but so would blood . By the nine , the very thought still felt wrong . He hadn 't drunk for a few days . He 'd note that , three days without and some would take notice . For now , however , the time passed and Edwin started to the stables and home . He would take a meal and in a few hours after the drunkards stumbled out into the streets he would take his drink . EINGRIN ' GRIN ' SULFERSTONE Grin wiped his brow and looked at his creation . He was currently applying a scrolling filigree on the barrel of a six - shooter . He had a chisel in one hand and a massive magnifying glass in the other . It was very rarely he was paid to apply an aesthetic touch to guns . Humans always wanted their weapons utilitarian and not much else . " I just want et to shoot in a straight line , yah hear ? " Yet , this customer paid extra for some personalization . He wanted vines , powerful and beautiful . Grin was being paid a nice sum for this . " Going out for drinks tonight , " he said . Even though he went out for drinks every night . Each day prompted its own accomplishment to be celebrated . This one , though , was somewhat legitimate . He leaned back into the gun . The bell in the front of his shop jingled loudly as someone entered . Their tread was heavy , fast , and crude . He 'd have to stop doing what he was doing to do deal with this . The workshop was in the back of his store , behind lock , key , and chain . No one could get into facility unless they were extremely strong or extremely crafty . After that all they 'd find were various work benches , machines , and gun parts . Grin never left fully crafted weapons in the workshop . From the workshop , moving forward , was his counter . It sat behind metal and wooden railing . It had a stand with stairs that gave the impression he wasn 't as short as he was . Usually , he liked a bit of warning before he presented himself . That was so people couldn 't see him walk up it . Unfortunately , this visitor didn 't seem like the type to turn around if he asked . Grin frowned . Was it another robber ? Was it an unhappy customer ? Did he owe anyone money ? Grin figured it was a " maybe " for each of those questions . So , he took the fancy pistol with him . He grabbed a bullet for it from his waist pouch and slid it into the barrel . If it was a robber , now would be a good time to test how well the gun worked . Grin sauntered up the three steps to the top of his stool . The man on the other side of the bars was human , of course , and looked like he 'd rolled around in mud and forgot to bathe . Grin held the gun underneath the view of the counter . The human had a massive hand cannon that was not of the dwarf 's make . Grin held out his hand , through the railing . It was big enough for him and a gun - not many humans could boast the same . " Give it to me . " " Look some people call my gun - smithing magic , but I 'm not magical . I 'm going to have to see it . Otherwise you need another gunsmith . " The man sniffed . " I hear that dwarves are the best . I don 't see how though . All you got going for you is how short you are . " " Awe , " Grin said . " You 're adorable . We 're a smaller peoples with smaller hands . Now you either show me gun , or you show your ass the door . " The man tentatively handed Grin the gun . The dwarf sat the filigreed masterpiece on the stair next to his feet while he looked at the strange man 's hand cannon . It was apparent why it wasn 't firing . The hammer was shit . It would strike a bullet like Grin could strike a water tower without jumping . He didn 't think fixing this weapon and handing it back to the dirty human was a good idea . The man would just use it for bad things . Or at least that is what Grin assumed . Against his better judgment , Grin used a screwdriver to the gun . He twisted it against nothing . He didn 't fix anything , and it still wouldn 't fire . The man didn 't need to try to shoot anyone . He handed it back to the dirtied human . Grin shrugged . " Easy fix . I didn 't think you had to . " I other words , Grin didn 't expect it and didn 't feel put off by it . The rest of the day went by seamlessly . Grin locked the filigreed pistol at his abode , which was unknown to pretty much everyone . He then made his way to the tavern . The bartender recognized him almost immediately as he sat down . Next thing he knew , he had a whiskey and a water sat in front of him . A few of the tavern 's patrons joined him . They played a rousing hand of cards before Grin took their money , lost it , and then broke even . They scattered as the dwarf was finishing up his fourth whiskey . He laughed , wildly , downed his drink and then pulled money from his pocket . The barrel of a cold gun pressed against his temple . " You lied , " the voice said . It was the human from earlier . This was not his jammed hand cannon . It was something he trusted to fire . Both is fine , though I 'm comfortable as Aggressive . I don 't stop coming up with ideas and am happy to shut up or throw my lot in . Whatever is needed . Science Fiction , Historical , Modern , Fantasy , Horrour , Alternate Reality . . . Surprise me ! If there 's a chance for character development a great story , I 'm probably game . Yaoi , Furry , too Romance centered . . . I 'm drawn to weaving a larger story with tons of character development . I know that 's possible in these , but they 're just too soft for me to really dive into . The sun disappeared completely by the time Edwin arrived to Gramheim proper . He made quick work of tying his horse within the quaint stable a little ways from the tavern and jogged the distance . His was heavy and stiff as if dampened first by the rain then promptly frozen in place . Added to a growling belly , Edwin entered the Cock and Bulls wearing an expression none too amused . Edwin removed his cloak and took a seat at the bar . His sleeves rolled once more , he felt surprised by the warmth of the bar - counter . A welcoming feature if curious . He saw two tending the lengthy bar , one a man on the cusp of youth , the other a woman a little older , both dressed to attract the eye . Unfortunately , he was far from alone in seeking refuge from the elements . Dozens filled the tavern telling stories and challenging one another small feats . A little ways down the bar Edwin watched a bartender bring two cups to a tan skinned dwarf playing cards with a handful of others . Between the clamouring tankards and hearty shouts it was all too easy to lose himself to the tavern mentality . Edwin loosened his tie and undid a button or two of his shirt . " Whaddya say we sate that thirst , aye ? " the barmaid offered , her voice so sudden that the half - elf jumped . Bottles of liquor stacked behind the counter with names Edwin knew little of . He replied slowly , " I say something full - bodied and red , if you would . " A dark green bottle appeared from behind the bar immediately . She smiled at Edwin 's surprise and pointed the cork between the two of them . " Thought so . Fancy myself a Merlot too . Folks in this town prefer the stronger stuff mostly . You a vintner ? " " Poor guess I suppose , " the barkeep laughed with a finger pointed to the window . " Northward along the road a day or so . Wonderful vineyard with large cellars housing all sorts that passes their wines through here . Worth the trip if not for the strange happenings . Hell , fright makes it hard to get into the cellar here lately . " Edwin offered a nod as she poured them both a glass . The woman did not appear weak in body or mind , in fact quite the opposite . To fear so greatly simply did not seem in the nature of one accustomed to handling drunkards and ending fights with nothing more than a hard look . Yet , in her eye he recognized a shadow and in that shadow something shaken to the core . She had seen something most had not . Though not a proper glass for the wine , the playful hints of blackberry and oak filled his nose and pleased his tongue . Edwin smiled to the barkeep who appeared to enjoy her sip as much as he . Finally , they met eyes and he gave voice to his thoughts , " I wonder what has one so strong so deeply afraid . You 've a personable charm , a tavern full of patrons , and look quite capable too . What do you suppose awaits in those cellars aside from fear itself ? " " Truthfully ? " the barkeep sighed . After a long drink she glanced to each of those at the bar and the many more seated at tables . She paid each a brief look , long enough for Edwin to follow , but quick so that their quantity was clear . " Strange marks decorate doors at dawn and alleyways are found slick with blood . Bodies found strewn about . Cloaked figures all in black seen on the outskirts just watching . Only just , that is , when seen . You look a learned man . How large is Gramheim ? What are the chances a few of the folks in here know of these horrors all too well ? " Her voice broke . She eyed someone further along the bar . " I 've another bottle in the cellar . Half price if you get it yourself . Whaddya say ? " Edwin glanced down the bar and spotted a dingy looking door behind the crowds . A darkness collected there despite the glowing scorns . Once his eye returned to the bar the woman was further down the bar serving another . She glanced his way and briefly nodded to the green bottle still sat across from him . Her smile was cold , as if to say ' I know ' . Edwin took another drink and did his best to ignore the blighted door looming in the corner of his eye . # 7 Much to Hemlock 's relief , he encountered no more patrolmen on the remainder of his travel from the town . It was nightfall in earnest by the time he reached the small , familiar path leading toward the trees and a chilling rain had just begun to fall , the heavy droplets tapping out an arrhythmic beat on the cold ground . Lightning briefly illuminated the clouded sky and a faint rumble of thunder followed . It was unusual to have such storms in the colder months , but they weren 't altogether unheard of . Hemlock hastened his step . The trees would provide some shelter from the oncoming storm , but he would very much like to be indoors when the brunt of it hit . Another few moments saw him to the edge of the forest , though he stopped just short and peered into the trees , an unsettling feeling washing over him . Because of the clouds there was very little ambient light , but the witch thought he could make out a large object to one side of the path . Remaining in place , Hemlock conjured his will into an illusory haze about himself . While this would not make him invisible , it blurred the lines of his form and helped him to meld with the shadows of the trees . Of course , if the dark shape was a predator , such an enchantment would not hide his scent - - and Hemlock waited in place , ready to run if needed . Slowly , Hemlock raised an open palm to his lips and gently blew into life a small , glowing orb of blue light . It flickered now again , likening itself to small flames , but seemed unaffected by the increasing downpour . When the shape still did not move , Hemlock cautiously began to approach the trees , the light gently cupped in a hand extended in front of him . As he closed the small distance between himself and the still form , Hemlock frowned . The object , as it were , was the body of an immense stag . It was laying on its side with its head at an odd angle and blood had collected at the corners of its mouth - - it was clearly dead . Steam was faintly visible in the sparse light , and Hemlock moved closer , crouching down to more closely observe the scene . The steam was rising from a small pile of viscera which looked to have been all but ripped from the animal . The wounds opening its stomach were not clean ones , the flesh ragged and split as though done with claws or teeth . This , he thought , doesn 't make sense . The kill was recent , as the steam was only just beginning to disperse ; a predator would not abandon a kill like this unless another predator forced it away to claim the spoils . There were also no signs of predation ; nothing had eaten from this kill . Drawing a steadying breath , Hemlock again examined the organs that had been messily pulled from the animal . None of these looked to have been chewed or eaten at either . But , he noticed with a sickening realization , the intestines were missing . Slowly , Hemlock got to his feet and again surveyed the scene before him . He had heard of haruspicy , but he didn 't think anyone in or around Gramheim practiced something so archaic and cruel . He knew there was another occultist who practiced unusual traditions , but she seemed a decent woman - - not capable of something like this . For a moment , his mind went to the murmurs of the townsfolk and a cold , unusual fear began to settle in the pit of his stomach . Whoever or whatever had done this couldn 't have gone far . Before he even knew what he was doing , Hemlock had bolted from the forest , sprinting back toward Gramheim . He could not see anyone ahead of him , and it felt as though he were giving chase to shadows . Still , he was sure he had heard someone there , someone who was very likely responsible for the violent act against man and nature ; someone who was very well headed into the town . His lungs were burning , his face and fingers numbing from the cold sting of the rain , and his cloak was soaking through . It would be wise to get indoors and dry off before walking back to the forest once more , but he hardly knew where to go . He also felt a need to tell someone - - to give warning that the one responsible may well be hiding within the town , but he wasn 't sure who to tell . He doubted the patrol would take him seriously , if they were even out in this weather after dark . Unsure of what else to do , the witch approached the first establishment that appeared to be open . Dim light was spilling from grimy windows and the murmur of talk could be heard even outside . He cast a wary glance up and down the street before sliding in the door of the Cock and Bulls tavern . A brief silence took the room as eyes fell on him , but the talk and clamour began almost as quickly as it had died away . Hesitantly , he lowered his hood and looked around the room . It was crowded with dozens of patrons , all blissfully unaware of what had just transpired . " Excuse me , " he said quietly . He was unsure of how exactly to garner the attention of the barkeeps who were too immersed in their work to notice him . " There 's a situation people should know about - - they may be in danger . " The Dwarf had been admonished and treated as was expected with non - humans . All across the lands , most of them were the target of ridicule if not outright hatred . Nevertheless , the one that had swaggered in through the door seemed to be of a sufficiently genial sort to win a few hearts and minds over . If anything , watching the little but burly figure provided Cregan with some amusement . He contemplated joining in on the card game himself , but it would likely cost him the last of his silver and he needed what little he had for lodging tonight . Tomorrow he 'd work the slaughterhouses or stockyards - those places were always looking for a sure pair of hands . So it was that Cregan found himself close enough to hear the exchange between the Dwarf and what seemed to be a disgruntled customer . Perhaps it was the alcohol warming his blood and bones , or a vestige of charity that sparked his decision , he knew not . What surprised him though , was that as yet , nobody else had noticed the fire - piece pressed against the Dwarf 's neck . " Hey now , " he offered , putting his hands up harmlessly . Cregan had left his pack leaning against the bar , where he could keep an eye on it . Sadly , it was also out of reach - and with it , his weapons . " I 'd rather not you shoot this little one , unless you intend to pay me in his stead ? " The man pressing the gun against the card - playing Dwarf bared his teeth , or rather what he had left of them . " What ? " he spat through their gaps . " Bugger off , I 've got a bone to pick with this ass - muncher . Can 't trust his kind . Said he fixed my gun , doesn 't work for shit ! " " Seems like you 've had a few rough couple of days - I get it , but the bastard owes me money , " Cregan lied blatantly . Spend enough time lying to people though , and you get good at it . Spend enough time bullying people , you get good at that too . " Look here , " Cregan rumbled , making his voice a bit sharper than before . He rose to his full height , straightening his brood shoulders . " You kill him , it 's you that owes me money . Taking a quick glance at you though , that tells me it will be a problem . You 're dirt poor . Where did you even get those pieces ? " Cregan cocked his head to the side . " You want to be my problem ? " Come to think of it , the beer might have made him slower than he was , but it had also made his fists itch . He would not mind punching this cretin 's teeth all over the floorboards . Cregan had always been good at picking fights , but he 'd rather the Dwarf would live to see it . " Kill him , and I 'll shove that piece you 're waving about so far up your cockerel you 'll crow till morning . " A gamble . But not a contemplated one . The gunman seemed to be alone , and had caught the Dwarf unawares . Cregan judged the man a coward , and once faced with tenacious adversity would slink back from whatever gutter he had crawled from . Twilight was falling as Algernon made his way back , along with a fine rain whose dark , gravid cloud cover promised imminent downpour . The young solicitor had half a mind to turn for his fashionable little brownstone and celebrate the new contract with a few ample servings from the cask of Ole Hammermasher 's malt whisky his employer had gifted him , but routine and learned meticulousness demanded he first visit his office . He reached Gramheim by a narrow postern located in the warehouse district and exclusive to higher - end traders and other privileged personages ; the gatekeeper recognized him easily from his frequent trips outside the city and ushered him through with a wave and a nod . Urging Patience to a light trot , Algernon briefly crossed paths with some bedraggled workmen just off duty who brooded up at him with resentful eyes that stood out starkly against their grimy faces and matted beards . He left them behind without incident , proceeding down cramped , cobbled streets that snaked hither and yon , passersby in long coats and hooded cloaks slinking around his horse 's flanks like sullen alley cats . He held his head high all the while , and though he supposed he would cut an intimidating enough figure even were he not on horseback , Algernon could not help but recall some of the grisly stories that had been circulating of late . He stifled a shudder , flashing back briefly to childhood days he had no desire to relive . At length , he entered unmolested onto Main Street as the last of the shopkeeps and civil servants were closing up and scurrying off homeward before the coming deluge . Emptying the saddlebag and hitching his mare , Algernon hastened under the office overhang as he rifled through pockets for his key . The workplace was dark beyond the door 's windowpane , on which had been printed ' Mr . Algernon Bell , J . D . , B . Comm . , Solicitor & Licensed Conveyancer ' in fine white and gold . At the bottom , in smaller lettering , read , ' Alehorn Land & Cattle Co . ' Finding his key and letting himself in , Algernon took out a match and lit one of the candles set in sconces on either side of the doorway , carrying it over to a holder on his secretary 's desk before making his way to the backroom . While his desk was itself unremarkable , it was crowded with such papers and paraphernalia as would betoken a very preoccupied young lawyer with several clients in the queue . Sitting atop all these documents was the day 's correspondence , which he had not had the chance to peruse on account of the delicacy of the Skinner contract . Giving his post a look over , Algernon found nothing pressing in any of it and was ready to lock up his paperwork and away when he spotted a telegram sent by his sister . " Couldn 't be helped , Hemphill , " he said , smiling down at the hoary domestic . He put a hand on the older man 's shoulder . " Sorry for the bother , old boy . " " Not at all , sir . It does a body good to be of use . " Hemphill shuffled off into another room with the coat . Algernon 's gaze idly swept the hall and he found he hadn 't really missed it much ; every angle seemed shaped by his uncle 's cold austerity , no matter the soft touches of his aunt . " To tell it true , it may do her good to see you , Master Algernon , " he conceded on their ascent . " There has been an air of disquiet to Miss Carmella all through today , if you don 't mind my saying it . " He chuckled like a shaking rattlesnake 's tail . " Of course , Miss refuses to admit anything of the sort . " They stopped just outside Carmella 's room and after Algernon assured the old manservant he would neither be spending the night nor wished for anything from the kitchen to steel him for the journey home , Hemphill departed with a nod . He made to knock gently on his sister 's door , but it opened even as he raised his hand . Carmella was standing there , already wearing her dressing gown for the night and her long , blue - black hair spilling down around her shoulders . No sooner did he open his mouth to speak than she was retreating back into her room ; his sister often seemed asynchronous in this way . " You wanted to see me ? " Algernon closed the door behind him as he entered . " Your telegram said it was urgent , and I hear you 've been in a funk all day . Is something the matter ? " " Baldwin ? Which one is he ? " He pondered a moment . " . . . Oh , yes , the ' outdoorsman , ' is that right ? I didn 't think you much cared for him . " " He is a bit dull , a bit too conventional , true , " Carmella admitted . " Still , rather sweet in his own way . Sort of gallant and chivalrous , you know , like the old knights in the stories ? " Carmella 's reflection gave her brother a weary smirk . " You aren 't the only one to say such things . The poor man was making all to - do about a hunting trip he had planned and how he was sparing no expense to obtain the finest equipage . And now , just this afternoon , I hear tell he 's missing . Separated from his mates the evening before last , and the rest of them since come home with not the slightest clue of his whereabouts . Or so is said . " " Well . . . the fool fancies himself a hunter , does he not ? And doubtless a spring of manful resilience . It might be he 's thought to extend this silly excursion on his own . More of a challenge , no one else to steal his glory , and so forth . " His sister turned round to stare up at him , placing a hand on his . " Even if this story his friends are telling is the truth , they say such terrible things have been happening lately , Algy . Out there . After dark . . . " Their eyes locked , both of them thinking back to the half - forgotten and wholly unspeakable horrors of long bygone days on the plains . Algernon swallowed his rising gorge with some difficulty and broke off from his sister . His eyes fell to an old toy of hers , a stuffed , smiling little cow that was nearly falling apart at the seams and whose soft , piebald fur had worn away in places with the passage of time . He was painfully aware of the parallel to be drawn to the tiny Skinner girl 's doll from earlier . " No worse then what they say happens on the streets after dark , " he argued flatly . " ' They ' always say things , Mellie , but it 's all tosh . Whatever is or isn 't going on , it 's just people . Rotten people doing rotten things . " " My brother . " Carmella smiled to herself . " He 'd rather have a deaf sister than one who might hear upsetting things . But if I heard nothing , or saw nothing , I could in no wise be ready for whatever untoward things might befall me . " His sister reached out to him , took his hand . " I know you only wish for my well - being , Algy . Which is why you 'll look into this curious business with Baldwin for me , won 't you ? Say you will . " Carmella 's usual confidence was resurfacing now that she had won his promise of inquiry . " No doubt you 're right , " she purred , stroking her hair and admiring it in the mirror . " But I feel so very much the better knowing you 're checking into it . " At the foot of the stair , Algernon found his uncle waiting for him . He and Ignatius Lilybridge bore a strong and regrettable resemblance to one another , though his uncle had grown out considerably in his advancing years in complement to his height and , so was truly formidable at a glance . His auburn hair and mustache had also gone almost completely white . " So it 's you . " The master of the hall glared at him from beneath a snowy brow . " I thought old Hemphill was being evasive about who was at the door . " Algernon displayed a cool smile , the kind he reserved for new clients . " I only popped in because Mellie sent after me , uncle . I 'm just leaving now . " " You 've carved up another little sliver for him , have you ? " he growled . " Divines know , he 's practically got everything north of the Gram to himself now . " Algernon scoffed . " You 're exaggerating , uncle . " He swept the man 's arm away and adjusted his shirt and vest . " Mr . Alehorn barely represents a quarter of the agricultural interests in this region . " " Then my gratitude is best preserved for my mother and your darling wife , uncle , " he replied curtly . " And with that , I say good - night to you . " He nodded to his aunt . " My apologies , madam , and good - night to you as well . Hemp ? " " If you step into my home again . . . " he heard his uncle say behind him . He turned round and was met by the man 's usual mask of haughty dispassion . His aunt was already ushering the guests into another room and , at the top of the stair , Algernon caught his sister 's bright eyes observing the scene . Emboldened by her presence , he took a step forward . " Of course , I 'd hate to put the ladies of the house through such a scandal , " he continued on , " but I 'd be only too happy to offer them the hospitality of my new home where they might seek refuge . And with their master 's reputation in tatters , who knows ? The staff may find new positions in short supply with your name looming over them ; I had best take them in , too . They all adore each other in this house , after all , and with a little time , why , it will be as if nothing changed at all . Excusing the absence of one old man . " Iwaku is a roleplay community . We don 't just write stories - we live them ! Roleplaying is stepping in to the life of a character and experiencing what they experience . Here on Iwaku , we 're all about giving you the freedom to write anything you want while providing a safe and friendly community to do it in . Our site contains forum roleplay , chat roleplay , group roleplay , private roleplay , as well as other methods for living your stories . We are a community ran by REAL PEOPLE ! We are not a corporation or a company . Our server , domain , and software licenses are privately owned and paid for 100 % out of our own pockets . 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What is meant as a fresh start in the English Lakes District begins to reek of buried secrets … . Oxford historian and TV personality Daniel Kind and his new lover , Miranda , . . . Read More What is meant as a fresh start in the English Lakes District begins to reek of buried secrets … . Oxford historian and TV personality Daniel Kind and his new lover , Miranda , both want to escape to a new life . On impulse they buy Tarn Cottage in Brackdale , an idyllic valley in the Lake District that Daniel knew as a boy . He is still fascinated by a place so remote that the dead had to be carried out over the peaks on pack animals along the ancient Coffin Trail . But though the couple hope to live the dream of downsizing , the past has a way of catching up . Tarn Cottage was once home to Barrie Gilpin , an autistic youth suspected of a savage murder - what looks like the ritualistic killing of a young woman visitor to the valley . She was found laid out on the Sacrifice Stone , an ancient pagan site up on the fell . Barrie fell to his death near the crime scene before he could be questioned . All these years later , Daniel retains his belief in Barrie 's innocence and questions his own policeman father 's handling of the case . When DCI Hannah Scarlett and her squad launch a cold case review , Brackdale 's skeletons begin to rattle . The wild geography of the Lakes District plays against local literary references , all backdrop to the lives of villagers and outsiders drawn to this beautiful spot - but for what reasons ? The Coffin Trail launches a new series by a master British hand . He broke into a run . The trail was steep . Usually he counted every pace up to the top of the fell . Safety in numbers . But tonight he wasn 't counting , tonight he could do anything . His shirt was damp and the cotton stuck to his chest . In the night sky , an owl 's wings flapped . Breathing hard , he halted . The moon dipped behind a cloud . In the distance he could hear the waters of Brack Force slapping the rocks . Straining his eyes in the gloom , he made out the slender motionless form of the woman . She was so patient . His throat was parched and his voice sounded scratchy . He 'd never had much to do with pretty women , but he knew that they liked to be wooed . Petted . They treated it as a game . Paying compliments didn 't come naturally to him . He 'd never bought anyone flowers in his life : what was the point ? All the same , he 'd been rehearsing words of admiration over and over in his mind . If you wanted to win , you had to play by the rules , even if they didn 't make sense . Pebbles crunched under his feet . Even now , she remained perfectly still . Most people baffled him , but young women were the worst . They never behaved as he expected . He whispered her name , then called it aloud . Nothing . The only sound , the only movement , came from a fox that had ventured far from its lair . Perhaps she was testing him , maybe she wanted to see whether his desire would overcome his nerves , but it wasn 't what she 'd promised . Two strides brought him close to the Sacrifice Stone . Just then , the moon gleamed and he glimpsed bare flesh . At once he saw that something terrible , something beyond words , had been done to her . His stomach was strong , but the sight made him retch . He reached out - he could not help himself - and his fingertips brushed against her . The skin was chill and sticky and wet . He stepped back hastily , as if bitten by an adder , and wiped his fingers on his sleeve . She was covered with blood and now so was he . Of course she didn 't reply . She was dead and everyone would say that he had done it . That he had killed her . He didn 't understand anything , except that he was in danger . Panic began to choke him . Who would believe that she had begged him to come ? A teacher had once said he lacked imagination , but he could see the future unfolding with the vividness of colour pictures in a horror comic strip . He had been a fool . He had been betrayed . Tears stinging his eyes , he stumbled along the rocky ridge . In blind haste , he clipped a cross - wall built to shelter visitors to the summit and cut his knee , but he hurried on . Time was short . The wind smacked his skin as if punishing him for stupidity , but he paid it no heed . He couldn 't go home . Home was where people would come to find him . To escape , he must find a safe way down . He was aiming for a dip between the crags and the chance of shelter in the next valley . His breath came in short gasps . Spots of rain greased his hair . The ground was like glue under his feet . Ahead , a familiar squat cairn loomed out of the darkness and he yelped in frustration . He was exhausted , yet so far he had covered little more than a mile . Not far enough , not nearly far enough . His cheeks were moist and he knew he was crying for himself , not for the dead woman . Soon people would be chasing after him . Whenever something bad happened , he was blamed . What could be worse than this ? No one knew Tarn Fell better , he thought of it as his back yard , and yet in his distress he was unsure which downward track to take . As the ground fell away , his foot slid . For a moment he thought he 'd turned his ankle , but it was all right . Facts , he would cling to hard facts . People mocked him for his love of facts , but facts weren 't like women . They were safe - and they never let you down . Four , five , seven , ten . Safety in numbers . He paused . There was so much that he knew by heart and yet the shock of finding the woman 's body had emptied his brain . No , it was all right . Fourteen , seventeen , nineteen , eighteen , fifteen , eleven , seven and six . Those were the average daily temperatures in the Lakes , from January to December inclusive . He stopped to peer over the precipice . Darkness , punctured only by a light in the lonely farmhouse far below . Thunder rumbled and he counted three seconds until the lightning flashed . The rain began to sheet down , sharp and unforgiving . He was close to the heart of the storm . Now - the four highest mountains , in order of height . Feet , not metres . Scafell Pike 3210 . Scafell 3162 , Helvellyn 3118 . Skiddaw 3053 . The numbers soothed his brain . Lists and figures were a comfort , you always knew where you were with them . As a child , when his mother had shouted at him , he 'd taken refuge in his bed and pulled the blankets over his face , reciting to himself the latest data he 'd stowed away . He started to pick his way down the narrow path . Wait - he 'd blundered on to the Devil 's Elbow , a zigzag route winding between two deep fissures carved by frost and rain . No point in tears . In a downpour so fierce he could see nothing . The fells were safe , Wainwright used to say , as long as you watched where you put your feet . Suddenly the path convulsed over a mass of shattered rock . The rain had made it more dangerous and he found himself slipping . He threw out an arm and grabbed a clump of heather , striving in vain to break his fall . A phrase his mother used came spinning into his mind . Rolling down the hill , she liked to say , Barrie 's always rolling down the hill . It was her way of describing what he was like when he went on and on about trivial things that meant nothing to her . Now he was rolling down the hill for real . The ravine gaped in front of his eyes , a cruel mouth waiting to swallow him . He pitched into it , arms and legs smashing against stone as he fell . His forehead caught on a ledge which gouged his flesh . The pain was cruel . He screamed for help , but there was nobody to hear . He didn 't pray - he 'd never been able to imagine God - but he told himself that he would survive the drop . Even if his body was wrecked beyond repair , he was going to live . People would be searching for him . Safety in numbers . He would be rescued . He could not simply be left until he starved . Or froze to death . Daniel tightened his grip on the steering wheel as the Audi jolted over potholes in the winding lane , his palms sweating . Miranda thought he was so cool , so relaxed , but it was an illusion . Might a conjurer feel like this when walking onto the stage ? Fearing that his magic wouldn 't work , that when he whipped the cloak away , his audience wouldn 't gasp , but merely yawn ? The car eased over the top of the fell and Daniel held his breath . At last Brackdale revealed itself . Unfolding below them , luxuriating in the sunshine . Miranda 's delight made him shiver with relief . This was the moment he 'd yearned for . Out of the corner of his eye , he saw her leaning forward in the passenger seat , craning her long neck so as to drink in the scene . Stone buildings squeezed around a spired church and its lush graveyard , and on the other side of the village , a jigsaw puzzle of fields and copses spread out across the hollow . Quarry workings , deserted and melancholy , pock - marked the far end of the valley , yet he wouldn 't have loved Brackdale as much without its scars . Steep surrounding crags closed in together beyond the dead industrial remains . There was no through road . Miranda was right : a casual visitor would never guess that the valley existed . Tarn Cottage was concealed from view , as if by pale plumes of smoke . But Daniel knew that no fire burned , it was only the blossom of damson trees . The boulder was shaped like an anvil , stark against the sky . Even on this innocent spring morning , its grey bulk loomed dour and secretive . Without thinking , he said , ' I climbed up there once . People round here call it the Sacrifice Stone . ' He 'd said too much . That was the trouble with the valley ; it seduced you into betraying what was on your mind . Laughing , he changed the subject . He must focus on the here and now , not let anything darken a perfect day . They shuddered over a cattle grid ; it would be a miracle if the car 's suspension survived the weekend , but who cared ? As they joined the road on the far side of the village , dry stone walls gave way to hedgerows smudged by the gold of willow catkins . A mile further on stood a wooden sign with worn lettering . He could barely make out the words Tarn Fold . Next to it a gleam - ing estate agent 's sign pointed towards the woodland : Cottage for sale by private treaty . It must be Tarn Cottage . Had to be . There was no other dwelling down the track . His skin tingled : soon he would see the old place again . He parked on a square of turf where the asphalted lane became an unmade track . Miranda leaned towards him , eyes closing as they always did when she was aroused . Her perfume had a heady jasmine fragrance . They kissed and he put the cottage out of his mind until she pulled away . As he led her across an old packhorse bridge , they heard the faint splash of a fish in the beck . Past a ruined corn - mill , the route forked , and without hesitation , he headed towards a coppice of beech and ash . Wrens murmured in the trees . He 'd read that birdsong is quieter in the countryside : no need to compete with city noise . Above the track , sinuous branches arched to form a green tunnel . He had a sudden fancy that he and Miranda were people in a story for children , passing through a portal into another world . A breeze set the trees swaying , as if to the rhythms of a samba that only they could hear , and he glimpsed the whitewashed walls of the cottage . Beyond , he remembered , lay the barn and the bothy . When they reached the clearing , they stopped a few yards from the gateway at the end of the track , taking in the luscious air . A board freshly painted in a blinding shade of yellow bragged that Tarn Cottage " presented outstanding potential for sensitive refurbishment . " Ground elder and nettles had colonised the gravel path that curved towards a front door from which green paint was peeling . At least the tracery of the mullioned windows was intact . Moving closer , they could see the slope of the garden down to a reed - fringed tarn . Sunlight glinted on the water . Further on , the land rose towards the lower reaches of the fell . They paused , no longer able to hear the rushing of the beck . The breeze had dropped , the birds had lost their voice . For a long time , neither of them broke the silence . Daniel slipped his arm around Miranda 's waist and felt her trembling . It wasn 't in her nature to be uncertain . Perhaps , like him , she felt as if she had arrived at a sort of holy place . The two of us are worshippers , he thought , we 're here to make our devotions . And now we are overcome by awe . Her smile was dreamy . He 'd seen it before , in her flat in London , moments after they made love for the first time . She could ask for anything , he would give it gladly . Seizing his hand , she gripped it tight . He tried being logical , though this was no time for rational argument . ' You work in London . I 'm in Oxford . It takes almost as long to drive up here as to fly the Atlantic . ' ' You weren 't talking about buying a holiday home then . ' ' Not a holiday home . ' She pinched his arm . ' Listen , remember when I read out my horoscope last night , that stuff about making a new start ? We could make it here . Sell up everything and move into Tarn Cottage . ' ' I 've never been more serious , ' she said . ' I hate my job , and the college is stifling you . Listen to me , Daniel . Life is short , we don 't get second chances . Let 's escape from it all , make a fresh beginning together . We could be so happy here . ' He took a step away and stared at her flushed cheeks . Once such intensity would have scared him , now it made him giddy with desire . She lived by instinct and he adored her for it . For too long he 'd played the sober academic , weighing evidence with cool scholarship before proceeding to a measured judgement . But reason was a ball and chain . Even though he 'd never been able to get Brackdale - and Barrie Gilpin - out of his mind , it had taken him twenty years to return . Miranda was different . From the moment she 'd seen the cottage , she had fallen head over heels . ' Didn 't you once tell me that anywhere north of the Wash was like a foreign country ? You 've never even lived in a small town . You 're a Londoner , the city 's part of you . ' Flinging her arms around him , she kissed him with a fierce hunger . Unbuttoning his shirt , unbuckling his belt , pushing him backwards and down . The grass smelled damp but they didn 't care . The two of them were drunk with passion for each other . Her skin tasted sweet . He 'd never experienced this before Miranda : not such abandonment . Surrendering to the will of another human being . Until now he 'd always kept control . Later , stroking his chest with warm fingertips , she said , ' You 've never been able to get this place out of your mind , have you ? I love that . That kind of obsession . ' Obsession ? Yes , he supposed she was right . He ought to tell her that once , in this quiet and lovely place , a woman had been savagely murdered . But this moment was too precious . He would never forgive himself if she took fright and fled , vowing never to return . She was impulsive , he could never quite be sure how she would respond . He could tell her later . Their pilgrimage had come out of the blue . Miranda had been trying for a late booking at a hotel on the Riviera that a friend claimed was the last word in luxury . She was desperate to take a break from London . At a party a few weeks back , Tamzin , her editor at the magazine , had made a pass following too many glasses of wine . Perhaps Miranda 's rebuff had been scathing , she really couldn 't remember . Ever since then , Tamzin had subtly set about making her life hell . When told that the hotel was full , Miranda burst into tears . Daniel threw out a suggestion , scarcely imagining that she 'd say yes . ' Too many tourists . But there are plenty of out of the way places . I stayed up there as a boy , it 's where we had our last family holiday before my father left us . I always wanted to go back . ' ' It 's not the Arctic Circle . Who wants to spend fifteen hours at an airport when air traffic controllers go out on strike ? Even with all the motorway jams , the Lakes are only a few hours ' drive away . Where better to get away from it all ? ' She laughed . ' Okay , you win . I 've never been there before , not even as a kid . My parents used to take us to France every year . Besides , I was never keen on Wordsworth and all that . We had daffodils in our front garden at home , they were my mother 's pride and joy . I never saw any need to visit Grasmere to see them in their thousands . ' ' All right , all right , any moment now you 'll be reliving battle scenes from Swallows and Amazons . ' She was laughing already and he knew he 'd persuaded her . ' Okay , I admit it . When I was a kid , I couldn 't help liking Arthur Ransome 's books . And it 's silly , travelling the world and ignoring your own back doorstep . Even if I don 't get the chance of a tan . Let 's do it . ' Now here they were in Tarn Fold . Talking about junking their jobs , their homes , and moving up here . Unreal , but so was the whole of their affair . They had fallen for each other in the course of a single evening . He 'd met her at a party thrown by his publishers at Soho House . At seven that evening they were strangers ; they parted next morning as lovers . Her spontaneity was a gift . It turned him on , the way she let herself be swept by a tide of passion . It wasn 't precisely true . A month ago , she 'd begun to write a novel , about some other young journalist who lived in Islington and suffered from lesbian harassment , but she 'd never made it beyond chapter one . Last night in the hotel she 'd talked of pitching a feature to a broadsheet about alternative therapies . Over breakfast , she wondered about yet another variation on a favourite theme : Diana : how she taught us to get in touch with our emotions . ' This whole valley is a Shangri - La , ' she said as they left Tarn Fold behind . ' If only the people here were immortal too . It 's too beautiful a place to die in . ' He switched on the CD player and started humming to Norah Jones . Anything to avoid talk of death . A lane led off to a squat pele tower that formed the centrepiece of Brack Hall ; another curved towards the hall farm and the fell beyond . As they passed through Brack , he pointed to a window above the front door of a large pub on the main street . The Moon under Water . From it hung a ' bed and breakfast ' sign . ' That was my room , ' he said . ' I shared it with my sister Louise . She kept me awake , telling me stories from a book my parents bought us . Legends of Lakeland , it was called . Tales about stone circles that came to life and rivers that wept . ' Beyond the church , the road narrowed . Purple aubretia and white alyssum spilled from cracks in the walls . On the verges , poppies were starting to bloom . He remembered clambering halfway up to Priest Edge with his father to an embankment within which an irregular pattern of marked - out footways was all that remained of a hut village constructed by ancient Britons . According to Ben Kind 's books , fewer folk lived in the valley now than during the years BC . He hesitated . ' The week we came home , he told mum that he was seeing someone else . The affair had been going on for some time , but she didn 't have a clue . He might have walked out sooner , but the holiday was booked and he didn 't want to wreck it for all of us . ' ' No , my mother would have regarded it as a betrayal . Louise backed her to the hilt . We both had to promise never to speak to him again . It was a long time before I broke my word . ' By evening , Miranda 's plans for the cottage were well advanced . They were staying in a hotel on the outskirts of Keswick , half - way between shimmery Derwentwater and the brooding heights of Skiddaw and Blencathra . The restaurant occupied an airy conservatory and over their meal they 'd watched the sunlight streaking the lake , then marvelled at a sky so red as to delight even the gloomiest of shepherds . The dinner would have had Egon Ronay drooling . As they drank a final glass of Chablis in the low - beamed bar , Daniel felt light - headed , as if a hypnotist had put him in a trance of happiness . Viewing was scheduled for half - nine tomorrow . No one else had put in a bid . For Miranda that meant the cottage was as good as theirs . He waved at the ' to - do ' list she 'd scrawled on the hotel notepaper , and her lavish sketch of their redesigned living accommodation . Already everything was planned out in her mind . The bothy could provide additional guest accommodation , and she 'd decided the barn could be split into two offices : his and hers . In their new lives they could work from home and be together all the time . ' You saw how rundown the place is , ' he said . So far words of caution had blown away like leaves in a gale , but he dreaded her distress if it all fell through . She cared so much about everything . In her vulnerability , if nothing else , she reminded him of Aimee . ' The garden 's bad enough ; who knows what a survey might show ? ' ' Have you checked house prices here ? You could buy a mansion for the cost of a terrace in Islington . Well , almost . Anyway , we 'll have plenty of cash to spare when we sell our old homes . Money isn 't a problem . ' The ruddy - faced estate agent smelled of bacon and burned toast and looked like a prime candidate for a coronary . Tubby and panting and over - dressed in tweed suit and camel coat , he was yet naked in his desperation to earn commission on the sale . A fast man with a superlative , he didn 't seem to realise that all he needed to do was to let the cottage and its setting sell themselves . The sun gatecrashing through the faded blinds was so strong that Daniel needed to shade his eyes . The cottage hadn 't been occupied for months ; although the windows were flung open , a mustiness hung in the air . Who cared ? One glance at Miranda 's face was enough to tell him that Tarn Cottage was everything she 'd yearned for . It 's going to be all right , he said to himself . We can make it happen . Wherever they looked , work needed to be done . The window - frames were rotten and the cellar was a damp dungeon cluttered with chunks of coal . The bedrooms were dingy , the bathroom a claustrophobe 's nightmare . Doors creaked and the staircase railing twitched neurotically at a touch . ' And you 're from Oxford , Mr . Kind ? ' The agent tried to shove the handle surreptitiously inside the drawer whilst he was speaking , but he lacked legerdemain and it clattered on to the uneven slate floor . ' This is a marvellous place for getting away from it all . And if you need someone to keep an eye on your bolt - hole while you 're away , we can arrange it for a modest fee . ' ' We want to live here permanently , ' Miranda said . ' Forever . ' ' Even better ! ' The agent beamed . ' It 's all the rage nowadays . Downshifting . Well , there 's nowhere lovelier on God 's earth than the Lakes . And Brackdale 's very much off the beaten track , as you can see . Yet you 're not cut off . You can be on the motorway inside twenty minutes . Think about that ! ' ' Thanks , but I 'd rather not , ' Miranda said , glancing through the kitchen window that overlooked the tarn . ' My God ! That 's a heron by the water 's edge - Daniel , do you see ? ' The estate agent 's head jerked , as if on a string . ' Where ? Oh dear , I must have missed it . Never mind . They 're like London buses , there 'll be another along in a minute ! You 're rubbing shoulders with Mother Nature here , make no mistake ! The water 's fresh from a spring on the hillside . Marvellous ! ' They went out to look at the barn . It had double doors , high beams , and a wooden ladder that led to the old hayloft . In his enthusiasm , the agent climbed up a couple of rungs , clutching at the frayed rope to steady himself , before descending rapidly when the ladder shivered under his weight . ' Couple of loose brackets , ' he said , mopping his brow . ' Nothing to worry about . The thrill of starting from scratch . The world 's your oyster . You can design everything exactly the way you want it . No need to put up with someone else 's tastes . ' Daniel shrugged . It didn 't matter : the spell was unbroken . No stopping now , they had gone too far . He 'd make an offer even if the outbuildings were a jumble of stones . Misunderstanding , the agent gabbled . ' As I said , there 's a healthy discount factored into the asking price to allow for renovation expenses . You 'll have realised that already , if you 've been looking around in the area . Tarn Cottage is exceptionally competitive . Oh yes , we 're expecting a lot of interest . A very great deal of interest indeed . The basic structure 's as sound as a bell . All the place needs is a bit of fine tuning . You 're lucky to have spotted it so soon after it came on to the market . ' They stood outside the bothy , under the shade of a damson tree . Daniel remembered telling Barrie Gilpin a story from the guidebook he 'd been studying conscientiously . Supposedly , damsons were named by the Crusaders , who brought them back to England from Damascus . He could still recall Barrie 's shrugging : so what ? Whatever they 'd shared , it wasn 't a fascination with history . The path to the tarn was criss - crossed with brambles and the long grass cried out for a scythe . The layout of the grounds was bizarre . As a boy , Daniel had taken its charm for granted ; now its eccentricity intrigued him . Paths wound aimlessly , with no obvious destination , and at one point the picket fencing inexplicably changed into a stretch of dry stone wall . Two spiky monkey puzzle trees thrust out of a tangle of ferns , and an old cracked mirror was nailed to an ivy - clad trellis with an arch that gave onto the waterside . Everything seemed to lack rhyme and reason , yet it struck Daniel that the garden must have been planned like this for a purpose . He could not guess what it might be . ' You say the lady who owned the cottage died recently ? ' ' Yes , it 's been in her family for generations . In the end she finished up in a nursing home . Cancer . Dreadful business . She left it to a distant cousin who is settled in Yorkshire . She gave us instructions to sell a week ago , so you 've timed your enquiry to perfection . There aren 't many homes in Brackdale , and a little gem like this comes on to the market only once in a Preston Guild . ' The agent cleared his throat noisily . Daniel guessed that the man intended to be economical with the truth . He wouldn 't want to risk the sale , not with two people up from the soft South who wanted to live the dream . ' Well . ' The agent ran a pink tongue over fat lips , choosing his words with a cabinet minister 's care , ' I never knew the family that lived here , but I suppose they were just ordinary folk . It 's very quiet , you can see for yourself . Can 't imagine anything out of the ordinary happening in a sleepy spot like Tarn Fold , can you ? ' Except murder , Daniel thought . Of course it was history , but he still couldn 't get it out of his mind . He of all people knew how much the past mattered .
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I love Jesus . He is my Savior , my Rescuer , my Friend . He is the One I trust will be there when I need a heart to hide to in . The One who finds joy in my company . The One I know will never tire of me or find me to be too needy . He is just IT to me and the idea that the King of Kings would stoop from heaven to show love to this ordinary woman often overwhelms my heart until the joy of being His slides down my cheeks . I am no one special to this world . I hold no place of great esteem or importance . I am insignificant in the landscape of this temporal life . But to the heart of Jesus , through the eyes of God , nothing could be further from the truth . Not for me and not for you . Christmas Day is the announcement that He finds you , that He finds me , to be special . It is the trumpet call declaring our importance to Him . It is the Star He hangs to shine on those who are far off and it is His chorus , filling the sky with the heavenly host to say to every man , woman , and child " You matter to me ! " Love gifted to us as a Baby was not delivered to the wealthy , to the influential , to the movers and shakers of the day . He was given to a young girl who appeared to the world to be nothing special . Gifted to a Hebrew carpenter who held no lofty position . The Star , heralding the arrival of the King did not shine with revelation on an exalted inner circle of priests and scribes . It lit up the night sky for a group of outsiders . Unknown , unnamed men from the East , foreigners and strangers with no standing in the Hebrew community . And the glory of the Lord , the angels filling the sky with praise , did not proclaim the birth of the Good News to kings and nobles . The messengers of God shared the dawning of Salvation with shepherds who lived in fields seemingly influencing no one . They were unesteemed and insignificant in the landscape of their temporal lives . The Gift of Christmas is still being given to those the world sees as nothing special . The Light of the season still dawns from Glory to shine for the unknown and the unnamed . The glory of the Lord stills fills the skies and proclaims the message of Love to the unesteemed and the insignificant . The Extraordinary sees you as anything but ordinary . You will never be the nothing special , the unnamed , or the insignificant to the heart of God . He loves you so and has gifted you with the priceless life of His Son . The Christmas Child has come , Dear Sister . The cry of the Babe of Love has pierced the night and the Light of the World has dawned . Ponder these things in your heart . Treasure His grace in your soul . For blessed is she who has believed that all the Lord has said to her will be accomplished . There are no limits where the Beloved of God are concerned nor are there any boundaries that can hem His holy blessing . O Sweet Sister , embrace the full of Him in the celebration of this season and may you experience the miracle of the manger as never before . Merry Christmas Beauty . . . you are alive and well . The image of the Beautiful One is surrounding us and we are engulfed in its heartbeat . His grace , His love , His steadfastness . . . every single attribute He possesses has been placed inside of His most prized creation . Sister , that most favored status belongs to you . We confront the questions to be sure . . . Is our God a Giver or a taker ? Does the Delightful One truly delight in me ? Has He forgotten His promise to work all things together for the good of those who love Him ? It 's part of the process . We question , we pray , we cry . . . but we do not withdraw when " good " doesn 't look like we think it will and " beauty " gets messy . That 's the place my Sweet Friend found herself in just a short time ago . . . the place where God peeled back the worries of this world and showed His splendor just for her . She gave me permission to share her story , but no matter how I tried I couldn 't bring the words together in a way that captured her heart and the way His love absolutely flowed over her in those moments . See I think that no matter how up close you have watched someone , walked with someone , or done life with someone - you can 't really tell their story quite like they can . I so wish you could sit face to face with her , see the tears in the corners of her eyes as she spoke - because the tears would be there believe me - and hear her voice take on the hush of holiness as she poured her heart out and marveled at His goodness , but that 's just not possible . So instead , she 's allowing me to share her story in her words . She wrote this originally as an encouragement to the Sisters she studies the Word with - a tangible way to put skin on 1 Thessalonians 2 : 8 sharing of our very selves - not anticipating the invitation to encourage a much larger audience . True to the image she was created in she has answered the call to come alongside us and let us glimpse God 's glory with her . May He bless her one - hundred fold for giving voice to His goodness and testifying to His love . My Sweet Friend , thank you for living and loving out loud in Jesus Name . You are tangible proof to me that beauty thrives in a fallen world . Blessings to you . You all know I was on a long journey with my Mom as she was dying . It was one of the hardest journeys God has ever taken me on . I lost her in December of last year . Sitting here with my Mom during the last hours of her journey here on earth . It 's strange how they usher us into this life and we get to usher them into eternity . Wouldn 't want to be anywhere else . What a blessing to hold her hand through it all . Soon after that my son Jacob 's caregiver , ( Jacob has Down 's Syndrome ) that worked for us around 4 years , was engaged and got married in April . So she left us too . She is like a daughter to me so I was so happy for her but it was a big loss . I had a few months where I didn 't leave the house much . The massive amounts of snow were a good excuse to stay home . I did pray and read my devotional and even sometimes my Bible during this time . I had awesome sisters that kept praying , bringing coffee and checking on me . As spring came and the sun … . I felt God so close . Just as I had in my Mom 's last days . I slowly started moving again and getting involved in life . It was a very long process but as I shared with my counselor and my girls , God had told me to be still when my Mom had died . I was still but the pain was so overwhelming sometimes . We had to help Josh decide on a college . This was so hard . To guide but not insist or pressure . God gave us such wisdom and patience . I knew where I felt he should go as soon as we hit the campus but Josh wasn 't sure . It also cost way more than we could afford . I kept praying Lord is this the place ? Show us , tell us , we want to obey . By May , Josh had decided it would be Spring Arbor , my choice too . Then God provided the money we needed . It was amazing . All that he did to show us his answer . Anyway , as summer ended we packed Josh up . We arrived on campus and were overwhelmed with God 's goodness . From each person we met to how smoothly things unfolded . We had never met Josh 's roommate but quickly knew they were a match . His mother and I stood in the hall listening to the RA and Spiritual advisor for the boys tell us their hearts for these boys and how they wanted to encourage and guide them . Amazing . " That can 't be true because I am adopted . " I looked up and said " Drew , your adopted ? " " Yes " he said . I said " Wow , Josh is too . Did you know that ? " " No , I didn 't " . When I looked up at his Mom and Dad they were both smiling . His Dad asked me when we had adopted the boys . I told him August of 1996 from Christian Cradle . They smiled bigger … . He is more than I can even put into words . He is the Alpha and the Omega , the Savior of the World , the Lover of the Soul . Every intricate detail … from greatest to least . He has filled me with more hope and joy this Fall than I ever thought possible . PRAISE HIS NAME ! ! ! ! I don 't know about you but I can 't read the words of that Sweet Sister without the tears rolling down my cheeks . Was it easy ? Absolutely not . Was it beautiful ? It absolutely was . It might not have been our idea of what beauty looks like but when He peeled that curtain back and she got to see His tenderness , love , and care toward her - Beauty was speechless . In all those years , God was storing up that moment and treasuring it in His heart until the very time she needed it most . That 's Who He is . Regardless of what our eyes see or how messy our lives may be - What goodness , what treasure , do you suppose , Beautiful Sister , He is storing up for you ? Where might you be , what storms might you have endured , when He peels back the curtain and reveals to you His splendor ? I don 't know when that moment might come . We have no way of pinpointing the time when He will show His tenderness so plainly . . . the time when we will glimpse His glory and we will be left speechless . But we have heard this testimony and we know He is faithful so we can be certain Girlfriend - the time will come and His Glory will be seen ! Tonight I was reading in 1 Corinthians 10 and my eyes slid across this passage . . . " The earth is the Lord 's , and everything in it . " It simultaneously brought tears to my eyes and made me smile because those few words were the answer to a prayer I had breathed only moments earlier asking for God to show Himself gentle to me . See those words are like an old friend taking my hand and leading my heart because of the spiritual mentor who helped me learn them . So as the words hit my brain the memories of her diligence toward me flooded over me , I thought to myself , " That 's from Psalm 24 , " and sure enough when I glanced down at the footnote for confirmation , there it was . . " Psalm 24 : 1 . " That Psalm is the first Scripture I clearly remember memorizing and it was Nanny , my paternal grandmother , who went over and over every syllable with me - in the KJV no less . I 'm certain there were other verses I memorized for the Sunday School classes she took me to but that Psalm - at least part of it - was different . Not only was it huge to my little person mind , but I recited it in front of the whole church at the Vacation Bible School program . Angela L . said the other half . I was about eight or nine I think , but unlike the age that I have to work to recall , I have perfect clarity of how I felt . . . I was terrified . I don 't remember Angela L . looking at all nervous which must 've made the ashen colored fear on my face stand out all the more to the parents , grandparents , aunts , and uncles who were there . I distinctly remember thinking that I could either look at all their expectant faces or I could recite the Psalm , but I couldn 't do both . So , rather than look at what seemed to me to be thousands upon thousands of people in the pews , I closed my eyes . . . . and I didn 't miss or stumble over a single word . Now Nanny had worked with me on that Psalm all week long . She made certain I could say that thing forward and backward . . . not just my part but Angela L 's too . I was so afraid she would be disappointed or embarrassed because I hadn 't stood straight and tall , I hadn 't looked the congregation straight in the eyes with the steadfast confidence of someone whose Grandma had made certain she knew her part . I hadn 't done any of the things she had helped me prepare to do . I had closed my eyes and tilted my head down to speak but if she was disappointed in me , she didn 't let me know it . Instead , she put her hand on my shoulder - the one with all the extra skin that I liked to press into big ridges and then smooth down before I went to sleep at night - and she said , " That was beautiful . Psalms are written to be prayed . Your eyes closed and head bowed was perfect . " I remember that evening and those words so clearly - not that it was good enough , not that it would do . . . . " it was perfect . " The tears are sliding down my face right now and I can feel her perfect hand , the one with the extra skin , on my shoulder . Oh how I am praising God for bringing those words of love and that touch of grace to my mind this very moment . See , when I opened up my Bible this evening , I was feeling a little overwhelmed by my own imperfections and shortcomings and I asked Him to lead me to a tender word from Him , to be salve to my heart because I felt so less - than . And this is where He took me . . . to this tender memory , to this gentle touch and the echo of my Nanny 's voice . . . " it was perfect . " Thank you Lord . I walked into a public restroom and bent down to scan the space between the bottom of the door and the floor to see what one might be empty . My eyes stopped and my heart took in a picture that spoke a thousand words . Now the photo isn 't too clear because it isn 't exactly the place where you take a lot of time to focus your camera but if you look close you 'll see three little pairs of feet engulfed in a sea of white toilet tissue facing one another sideways and . . . one pair of larger feet , toes touching the ground , facing forward . I expected to hear some harassed and helpless sounding shrieks come from behind that pink stall door , but instead the voice of grace poured over my ears , " I just need a minute and then we 'll be done . " Her tone was soft . She spoke tenderness to those babies . Not a harried response or a sharp retort within earshot and she had no idea anyone was listening . She was grace come to life . . . making her world a more beautiful , softer , grace - filled place . I never saw her face but I know she 's one of the most beautiful women I 've ever encountered . A few days after that , I worked out at a fitness center and the Mom , Daughter , Wife , on the elliptical beside me got interrupted not once but four separate times - twice by her daughter , once by her dad , and once by her husband in the span of about 15 minutes . And that beautiful woman , who had no idea anyone was watching , kept a posture of love the entire time . She never folded her arms once . Never shot a look that could kill . Never did the long exhale through her nose . Nope . She poured love out on every single one of those interruptions wearing skin . . . she made her world a more beautiful , kinder , love - filled place . She was drenched in sweat , wearing her heart on her sleeve , and she was radiant to me . The following morning I was walking on a flower - lined sidewalk with a friend and a woman about our age came up behind us . We invited her to pass through because we were more concerned with chatting than with keeping up a good pace and she was so pleasant as she walked between and eventually passed us . She turned back as she made her way by with a smile and explained , " I 'm not as quick as I used to be with this limp . I have spine cancer and I 'm afraid I overdid yesterday . I just finished radiation but I wasn 't going to miss this vacation with my husband and kids . " No bitterness . No this - isn 't - fair cadence to her words or her stride . Just pure devotion . . . . selfless , heartfelt , devotion . . . she would not be brought to a stand still . She was tenacity in motion and she made her world a more beautiful place . And then there was Eloise and Yaya . Two complete strangers to me . Eloise , about 2 years old , and Yaya who was about 70 years her senior . . . granddaughter and grandmother playing in the pool . Eloise full of energy and spunk in her little retro bathing suit flitted from one thing to the next , chattering the entire time . Yaya never told her to quiet down or suggested they take a rest . She engaged fully in every toddler utterance that came from Eloise 's mouth . She was wise enough to soak in every moment that was passing between those generations and you could tell from the look on her face that she was treasuring that day up in her heart . She may not have had the zip her grandbaby did but as a friend who has many grandbabies of her own often tells me , " my speed might be gone but the stamina is still there ! " Yaya was in it for the long haul with Miss Eloise . She would not be deterred from loving all out and all in where Eloise was concerned . She was enthralled with the little girl before her and Eloise was enamored with her Yaya and they were beautiful . . . . they made their world a more beautiful , love - out - loud , treasure - the - day , live - this - moment place . I don 't know if any of those women have confessed Christ as her personal Savior or not . I hope so , with everything that 's in me , I hope so . But the truth is , God can display His glory and impact my life through whomever He chooses and for this moment in time He chose them . His plans don 't need our approval to move forward and for this season in life it appears that His plan is to increase my awareness of the beauty of women and tender my heart toward them in a way I 've not experienced before - - not just the ones I 'm blessed to know but the ones I may never meet . These encounters changed me . None of those ladies know how they impacted me . None of them know how they lived out loud , loved out loud , and brought beauty to my world . . . . but they did . And YOU , sweet , sweet Sister , YOU are those women . You 're the daughter , you 're the mom , the grandma , the wife , the friend , you 're the sister making the world a more beautiful place . A softer place . A grace - filled , love - filled , life - filled place . Your lives aren 't easy - the toilet paper tangle on the floor is sometimes as good as the day gets . But you do the messy stuff and you make even that crowded stall , with all those feet , a beautiful place to be . You reach out a hand with extra skin , lay it on the shoulder of one you love , and you make life better . Your tenacity for life , your pure devotion , they make your world beautiful . Every time you choose a posture of love over a posture of impatience . Every time you refuse to be deterred from being fully with the ones you love . Every time you do the daughter - mom - wife - grandmother - friend - sister pour out grace , love , and life stuff . . . every time you are YOU , you make the world a more beautiful place because you , my Sweet Friend , are a glimpse of His glory . I spent last weekend with some beautiful women . Each one dressed in Jesus Christ from the inside out and doing their best to wear Him well . The conversations shared around tables , over coffee , and in tucked away corners ran the gamut - raucous laughter and poking fun at ourselves to tears shed and hearts laid bare . To me , that 's true beauty , uncontainable radiance in action . Sisters doing life together , bonded by heart and bound by soul to other daughters of the King . Some meeting one another for the first time - not a thing in common but their love for their Jesus . This particular conference was called a " Women 's Refresher " rather than a retreat and my mind really enjoyed that change of title . It gave my heart a sense of expectation and hope . Hope that we all might walk away with souls renewed , spirits refreshed , and hearts at rest . With a rejuvenated resolve to stand firm in the face of whatever might lay on the other side of the weekend . See , I think that Christ came so that we could have life and have it the full . Not do just a little bit of living , but really go after the thing with all He has created us to be . The Amplified Bible translates John 10 : 10 in such a way that I can 't keep the smile from creeping across my face and my heart simultaneously . . . Isn 't that wonderful - enjoyment of life with the Life Giver . Abundance that does not change with the ebb and flow of our circumstances . Life to overflowing that isn 't subject to our limited human vision . Oh that 's some good news to me . It means that regardless of how hot the flaming arrow the enemy sends my way may be or what kind of a mess I may walk myself into , God will not change His mind concerning the life His Son purchased for me . The same is true for you Sweet One and here 's more good news - no matter how many translations I looked at I couldn 't find a single one that said " I came that they may dig in with their fingernails , grit their teeth , and worry their way into glory . " Nor could find a translation of John 10 : 10 with an asterisk indicating that there were exceptions to this verse so you cannot possibly be the one person in all the ages that this passage does not apply to . See , Do we get that ? I 'm not certain I do . I hope you 're further along in the process than I am because too often I find myself unaware of being in the Presence of God . I too often confine Him to my " quiet time " or to Sunday mornings and leave behind the all - encompassing knowledge that He is always with me . And that 's when it begins - hanging on by my fingernails , gritting my teeth , fretting and stewing about life from one day into the next . I forget God and I remember me and when I 'm at the center of me - well , suffice to say nothing goes well . You 're all I want in heaven ! You 're all I want on earth ! When my skin sags and my bones get brittle , God is rock - firm and faithful . Look ! Those who left you are falling apart ! Deserters , they 'll never be heard from again . But I 'm in the very presence of God - oh , how refreshing it is ! I 've made Lord God my home . Psalm 73 : 23 - 28 MSG I want off the merry - go - round that constantly spins me back to the place where I begin and God is forgotten . I want the life my Pastor calls " present - time - Christ - conscious living . " Centered on my God , revolving around my Jesus , and led by the Spirit . Not hit - and - miss , but all day every day - standing so close that the shadow of refreshment falls over me day - by - day , moment - by - moment . Girlfriend , that 's what we were made for , life in His Presence - His overflowing , to the full , abundant Presence . So you leave yourself behind , tuck yourself inside the refuge of His wing and make your home there . Don 't forget where you live for one single moment . The place of heart refreshment , soul renewal , and spirit rest will not be found apart from Him . Move through this life so closely connected to Him that His shadow covers you from head - to - toe and in that shade Sister , I promise , based on the authority of His Word , you will find what your heart is longing for . This post is part of the # mywritingprocess blog tour . I was invited to participate by the most encouraging young woman I have the privilege of doing cyber life with . You can find her , Spirit - filled and heart full of Jesus , at http : / / igivegodalltheglory . wordpress . com / . I cannot tell you how amazed I am that God has seen fit to take Glimpsed Glory around the world to more than 70 countries at this point . Oh , how I pray it is encouraging every Sister that visits to stand strong in the faith and to live well in His Name . I 'd love it if you would join the journey by following the blog and having new post notifications sent straight to your email . You can also find Glimpsed Glory on facebook with daily encouragement and @ glimpsedglory at twitter . Thanks for stopping by and thanks to I give God all the Glory for the opportunity - Keep shouting His praise from the mountaintops Miss Jennifer ! I love reading the Old Testament . I always have . My Aunt Shirley used to have these children 's Bible books at her house that were filled with the Old Testament accounts of the larger - than - life events God chose to record from that period of History . I can still bring the artist 's rendering of the scenes to my mind and feel the pages that recounted the mother of Moses placing him in the basket of reeds to escape death . I can see the book lying open on the floor of her living room that drew me into the life of Hannah and made me feel so sad when she left Samuel with Eli . And I can recall the drawing of Delilah as she tried to coax Samson 's secret from him . I doubt Aunt Shirley had any idea of the impact those children 's books would have on me , but I am convinced that they are one of the things God used to stir my heart at that young age . Know what ? I still love reading about those faith giants . And the list goes on and on and on . I am just as enthralled with them all now as I was when I was small . But now when I read about the events in their lives , I 'm reading the Book that gives the full account . Not just the beautiful shining moments but the ones tarnished by human nature as well . So not only do I know that Abraham was a man who trusted as he walked up the side of that mountain with Isaac at his side , I also know he was a man who lied and slept with a slave girl . I know now that the same Moses who rose to lead the Israelites was a murderer who ran away to avoid the consequences . And David , who stood to face the giant , was an adulterer and a murderer who wanted to hide his sins from God in the worst way . All of the giants of faith , every single one of those everyday people , led insignificant , messy , imperfect lives . And yet , He chose to display His love , His grace , and His power through them . Apart from Him , their stories would have gone unchanged , been unremarkable . Jacob would have remained a deceiver , David an obscure shepherd , and Rahab a prostitute . It was God who made them different . It was God who wrote the extraordinary excerpts of their ordinary stories . He was the Author who penned their significant moments and transformed their lives . It was all Him - because the story , the history of it all - is His . It 's His story . Girlfriend , it 's still all Him and it 's still His story , but may I ask you to believe today with everything you are that His pen has not gone dry ? He is still about the business of writing the most extraordinary excerpts on the pages of ordinary lives - OURS . Our imperfections do not scare Him . Our insignificance does not deter Him . And our messiness will not dissuade our God , who does not change , from swooping down from heaven and transforming our lives . Now , from our chronos perspective in this very messy , very imperfect world , His story is still unfolding and we may find ourselves wondering where the giants of the faith have gone . But make no mistake Beloved , they are here . Oh , they are here . I know this to be true because I see them every day . I see them marching out to their mission fields in nursing scrubs , company shirts , and work uniforms . I see them mowing a sick neighbor 's lawn and bringing a meal to lighten someone 's load . I see them coming alongside a grieving family , offering comfort , and holding a hand . And yes , I see them putting Old Testament story books into the hands of small children and planting seeds of faith . Yep , you 're the one . You 're the giant of faith He has raised up for this place and this time . He has written His Name across your heart . He has chosen you to display His grace and His glory . Don 't you doubt for a moment that His story has always included you and it has always been one Giant Love Story . You know I used to tell my students that " authors always write to be read . " Thinking about that now , I don 't think " The Author " is any exception . I might go so far as to say that the concept is absolutely Biblical . My story , like yours , is a unique one . God planned it all , since before the beginning of time , and His love has watched over my every footstep . Reading that last line you may think that I have walked faithfully my entire life . Nothing could be further from the truth . I am what some might call a " late bloomer " in His patch of wildflowers and all would call blessed . At the age of 52 , I have been acknowledging my need of Jesus for just a little bit more than 21 years . My husband of 28 years and I were blessed to come to faith together . And Oh , what a work God has done in us ! He has poured out blessing after blessing as He has taught us to love one another by loving Him . And our greatest blessing ? Glance at the picture above . She 's the adorable one on the left . Thank you Lord for changing her faith heritage . All Praise , Glory and Honor to Him !
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Community creator Dan Harmon recently sat down with The A . V . Club to discuss the show 's second season , episode by episode . This part covers episode 19 through episode 24 , beginning with " Critical Film Studies " and concluding with the two - part finale , " A Fistful Of Paintballs " and " For A Few Paintballs More . " Parts one , two , and three were published earlier in the week . " Critical Film Studies " ( March 24 , 2011 ) For his birthday , Abed invites Jeff out to dinner , but Jeff and the rest of the group have already set up a party for him at a diner elsewhere . Dan Harmon : I think it ironically began as another bottle episode to save money and aim for a four - day shoot , which saves even more money . Like , what is a bottle episode ? Two guys sitting at a table eating dinner . That makes you think of My Dinner With Andre . What 's the irony of Dinner With Andre ? There had to be something more to it , since we had the whole Pulp Fiction thing . There had to be a reason why this straight man was stuck at the table . He had to be a prisoner at the table stuck talking to this guy . And also , you had to have a reason to cut back and forth between some things . My Dinner With Andre came up as a target at some point in the writers ' room , and from there , we went . We were so far behind schedule that there was no table - read for that episode , and the brass were arguing among themselves over editing the drug - play episode by phone . For the large part of this episode , I was in this room alone with Megan [ Ganz ] . I remember that experience very well because I was at my emotional wits ' end . I had been told numerous times before that , as early as episode seven , that I was at my wits ' end . People kept telling me to stop . They would say , " You 're at the end of your rope . " And I 'd say , " Why are you saying that ? That seems like a weird thing to wish on someone . I 'm really happy . I love my show . " And they 'd say , " No , no , you are exhausted , you need to cool out . " And I 'd go home from those meetings thinking , " I think that they just wish that I wasn 't me . " And it 's funny , because on that episode , I found out what the actual end of the rope feels like , because there is definitely no point in both seasons where I 've been so terrified of my own failure . I 've never been able to taste it like that . It was a combination of being that far behind schedule - there was no breaking the story , having a draft , table - reading , getting notes - and the episode obviously wouldn 't have existed if that had had to happen , because that process was designed to stop weird things from happSometimes you focus so much on getting away with stuff because you think , " Oh , if I could just get away with it , then everything will be great . " But then you get away with something accidentally , and you realize , " Wait , I get away with everything . I 'm at the tippy - top of a $ 2 million investment into a half - hour of television about what ? What is even going on in this story ? " And it surprises people to hear me describe it that way , because mostly it was just a cute episode . It wasn 't perceived by anyone - and I refuse to read any reviews of this episode - but it seemed from the Twitter feed that really all of my anxiety was … the disparity was really odd . I don 't think anyone looks at that episode and thinks , " Oh man , you must have really been wrestling with that . It looks like it terrified you . " But I was sitting at that desk in front of a computer , and Megan was sitting where you 're sitting , and the first thing that happened was I heard that Russ [ Krasnoff ] , one of the EPs , was wandering the set asking questions about Pulp Fiction - like whether people would understand references to Pulp Fiction . This was the worst thing I could hear . I mean , I was thinking of the Pulp Fiction thing as the sort of dumb anchor that you could just hang onto . And now I 'm hearing that this guy is going , " You know , who knows ? Isn 't that movie kinda old ? And you aren 't even saying Pulp Fiction , you just have a guy wandering around with boxing gloves on . " And it 's the validity of that observation that made me upset . It 's like pulling north off of your compass . So now the needle is spinning . I 'm sleep - deprived , I 'm breaking a story on a whiteboard with a 25 - year - old writer from The Onion who has never worked in TV in her life , except for Important Things With Demetri Martin . I 'm breaking a story within a story about a character visiting the set of another TV show , and the story has to be structured to simulate birth , life , and death - and there are no jokes . There are just no jokes in it . And I ' So I went and apologized , and I came back , and I sat at the keyboard , and I can 't remember any of the actual conversation , but I was just like , " I fucked up , I fucked up really bad . Everybody had been waiting for me to fail this whole time , and I finally did it . This was going to be 20 minutes of dead air . This is a terrible thing . I spiraled and barfed it up . " She could have destroyed the show at that moment by just agreeing with me . If she had said nothing , everything would have fallen apart . Instead , I heard her say what I needed her to say , which was something like , " I think this is a great episode . This is a great show . If you stop doing what you 're doing , I will move back to Michigan . We have to keep doing this and finish it . " I know I started crying , and I just rubbed it away , and we just kept going . And it was a fine episode . People liked it . I cried again when I saw the Twitter feed . It wasn 't like they were saying it was Citizen Kane , but they also weren 't saying , " What is this ? What happened ? " They were saying , " I love this . I know what 's happening . " Whether they had seen My Dinner With Andre or not , my hope was that I didn 't make the episode dependent on that . People just enjoyed it as an episode . I was at home in my office just crying and watching people not hate it . It made me feel like I couldn 't believe how much of a weight had been lifted off my chest . In that six weeks between me crying in my office and the night it aired , I had been walking around with unresolved anxiety . You know , something related to that fraud complex . " You don 't know what you 're doing . Why do you deserve a TV show ? Why are you doing these things ? Why do you keep trying to get fired ? When are you just going to be happy ? " DH : [ Laughs . ] No , I know what you mean . But the first season , they added the three extra episodes so late that those three are actually modular , because we proceeded with the last three episodes and just figured , " Well , if they actually order the extra three , we can insert them into this gap . " But this season , they ordered them early enough that we could fit them in . It was just the same situation as before . We were running late and panicking and just throwing things together . Anything that was happening within the vicinity of My Dinner With Andre was impacted by the gravity of that episode . There were two things happening : There are resources being drawn from my brain for that episode , but more importantly - because my brain ain 't that crucial to the goings - on around here - my terror about what I 'm doing on one of these other episodes that seems risky was being overcompensated for by my going , " Whatever you do , make it sound normal . I need a normal one before and after this episode . " So 217 and 219 are apologies for 218 . In advance and afterward . It makes sense to do that . I go , " Look , if I 'm wrong about this being a good episode , then God forbid that there be a string of three of them . " I mean , it 's a sitcom . There is whistling and clapping , and some guy says , " Got milk ? " and some other guy says , " Talk to the hand , " and then it goes " boing , " and there is a reaction shot , and there is a tuba . I was like , " Give me that shit . " That 's my directive in those moments . I probably shoot stuff down in overcompensation . I can 't remember specifically , but I shudder to think . There are probably people pitching me cool shit before and after 218 , and I 'm just like , " Nah , what if one of them grows a mustache ? " It couldn 't be more standard . I feel like that one could be in like , season zero . I mean , what is that ? It 's Jeff Winger not liking to think that Pierce can get laid quicker . It 's dumb . You could put it after the STD - fair episode in season one . So what , he hasn 't chanAVC : Stephen Tobolowsky 's in it . DH : Oh yeah , that 's the Who 's The Boss one . Yeah , and he revels in his blog that he was recovering from heart surgery during that , and he still knocked it out of the park . He was great to have . And that story is the redeeming thing about that episode . It was written from scratch three hours before the table - read . And it didn 't really change after that . We read it , and then we shot it . Really , the story started out as Abed taking a class about analyzing Who 's The Boss . It was more of a runner . There wasn 't really an arc to it . He just keeps saying that the class is really complicated . He thought that it would be really easy , but it 's a lot harder than he expected , you know , figuring out who the boss was . So three hours before we table - read it , we talked about the tropes of professors and students and academic stores and heroes and how this thing could play out . It was fun ; it came from a place of joy , just the adrenaline of making shit up and making people laugh . We were writing on the fly . You know , we had a part where Abed says what he says to the professor and walks about and the cameras track him across the courtyard , and there are Cambridge bells for no reason , and then gunshots , and Abed stops and turns his head and keeps walking . [ Laughs . ] And I killed it . NBC didn 't want to do it , but I didn 't push back . And I think the writers were a little mad , like they thought I sold them out . But it just wasn 't Abed 's character . If he knows someone is blowing their brains out and he had a hand in it , he wouldn 't not care . That 's not Abed . I think some people were genuinely disappointed that I wasn 't punk - rock enough to endorse that storyline . But I felt that that didn 't pass my own Standards & Practices . That 's just not Abed . " Paradigms Of Human Memory " ( April 21 , 2011 ) When the group discovers an unexpected treasure trove , they think back over the adventures of the year - adventures the audience hasn 't been privy to . DH : That was just one of those things . It dovetailed quickly with the whole " What if Britta and Jeff had been fuck - buddies for the whole year " thing . I really love the concept , and the attractive thing about it was that we could do it again . We can do another clip - show episode . We established that it wasn 't too obnoxious or too treacle - y or too driven by one particular premise . It can be like the nub of your pen that you switch out for a certain different style . And I can 't wait to do it again , because for as cool as that episode turned out , it was so much work , and so hard . Relative to the amount of work , there are ways we could have done that episode and gotten three times as much out of it . It was very difficult to break a story around it . Again , there is always that thing that weighs on us where we go , " What do Jeff and Britta fucking have to do with paintball ? " And this time , Jeff and Britta had been fucking . And I remember [ Chris ] McKenna being hesitant to build an episode around that . And I never really understood what his beef was , but I wanted to respect that , because he is just good . He just didn 't like the idea of building the whole episode around those two hooking up . And it quickly became dog - paddling and thrashing for our lives . I kinda wish he was sitting at the table so I could remember what the difficulties were in breaking that story . But I know they were tremendous . It was a huge challenge . Typically [ clip shows ] will be bookended . The Family Ties family will say , " Oh no , the power went out , let 's open our presents early . " And then they will spend the whole episode opening presents , but there 's not really a story being told . It 's just a clip show . And at the end , they say , " Oh , the power 's back on . Merry Christmas . " We were insistent ; we had to feel like we were rounding corners here , on how you do that . It 's the comedy that saved us from our failings in that department . Because it really is a challenge we never conquered . If you watch that episode , you can see the seeds are being laid . It 's a strong first act in terms of the story . Jeff and Britta have been fucking , " What ? Oh my God , this portends dot , dot , dot . " And we never revisit it . It cascades into random accusations of people being shitty people , and then it comes back around to apologies . It actually ends up being a commentary about their predictability and their ennui , their existential vacuum . I think maybe that 's what McKenna might have meant . Maybe he wanted to build it around something like that so it would have had a theme and a backbone , and it probably would have been a superior version of the episode . I don 't know , the Jeff / Britta thing seems wedged in there , it really does . AVC : It comes up organically within the episode . DH : Remember how it comes up ? I mean , Abed just drops it . It comes up organically , but it is decidedly a sandbag . Originally , my concept was that because Jeff and Britta had been fucking the entire year , they were in higher spirits than the rest of the group . That was a dumb idea . You can see traces of that in the script , but it 's a dumb idea . It 's like , " Well , they fuck all the time , so they aren 't as tense , and they have a secret , and that makes them seem healthier and almost smugly above everyone else . " So they remember the Glee episode better , like they forgot that everyone died on the bus , and they remember everything as being adorable because it 's no big deal . Like , when you 're getting laid , nothing seems like life and death . And then you 're prying up that suspicion until it 's like , " Wait , have you guys been fucking all year ? " And there are remnants of that in there that aren 't held faithful to . It 's neither here nor there with any of it . The concept plus the jokes hold that thing together fine . There is some duct tape so strong you can make anything out of it . It all turned out for the best . That was an episode that I didn 't walk away from thinking it sucked and then find out from the audience that it was good , but as with many , many , many of them - I 'll just estimate 40 to 60 percent of them - I was absolutely convinced that this thing was going to suck in the editing bay as I was editing it . I was just like , " This thing is going to stink . We fucked up bad . " That happened a lot . And the process is like looking at this baby coming out of me and thinking , " This is a monster . What are we going to do ? " DH : Yeah , " Haunted House . " The idea that these guys would go spend the night in a haunted house , like some kind of creepy old mansion . Well , there goes next Halloween . But I justified it by thinking , " Well , that episode would have been fun to write , but it probably would have sucked . " I played that game with myself , where you go , " Okay , they are around a campfire , so you 're telling me they can never go camping together again ? " No , they can go camping again , and they will go camping again . This show moves faster . Its metabolism is faster because it was born in a later age . It 's like Eric Stoltz in The Fly II . It needs to be faster than Jeff Goldblum in The Fly in order to live . So when they go camping in season three or season five , then it will be the second time they have gone camping , and that will be part of the story . And that 's a good thing . It challenges you . Before it even becomes a template , pronouncing Dean Pelton coming into the room in different costumes and beating it to death and making it an emotional experience for him . That was the cool thing about that episode . With the Winger speech and stuff . My fear was that we were only accomplishing the negative part of that , to destroy things that people valued . But when I saw that in the final mix , it was like , " We did it . We threaded the needle . " It should be an uplifting message - subtly . We are going , " Hey , in our world , we will call ourselves out on any predictability before you will have to . Even if we make it up . Also , any patterns that we get into , they will move twice as fast . We are all the more committed to being a real sitcom by virtue of knowing what that entails . " There were times when I was making early cuts that I turned to my girlfriend and said , " I think I fucked up again . " Actually , when she was looking at an early cut , she resonated my worst fears . She said , " You are kind of waving a giant flag about your sitcom and saying , ' This is a sitcom this time . ' Like , you 're often accused of that , but now , you 've done it . " And I compensated for that in subsequent cuts . Because it 's just tiny , micro things that send that message . If you strip things out and ground them , there is a little bit of ridiculousness to things in the form of ad - lib taglines , like Jeff and Britta would walk away from the torn - up house , and Donald [ Glover ] just ad - libbed , " Jeff said he knew how to land a plane . " And it was like , " Okay , it 's funny , but if you leave that in , then you have created a different fabric of your reality . " The dean saying this habitat was for humanity , there are just so many things going on , but we can fit that into the canon of the show ? Where were they ? Tijuana ? These guys are pointing guns at Pierce . We know they aren 't in Amsterdam or the North Pole . I felt ultimately really , really , really good about it . But I will always regret that we weren 't able to simultaneously tell a really great story about the group that made you cry at the end . That would be the hat trick . But the good news is that with that concept , we can go back to it again . DH : Well , the things that leap to mind are the Rashomon thing . There are a lot of branches coming off of that tree , the Run Lola Run thing , multiple revisitations of the same timeline , multiple timelines , Sliding Doors , all that stuff . Malcolm In The Middle did a Sliding Doors episode , and every show does a Rashomon episode eventually . They are the best episodes ever . The X - Files ' Rashomon episode was so great and so insightful about their characters . To see Scully 's perception of Mulder when she 's in a bad mood , her characterization of his persona in a typical X - Files episode where she walks into the room and he is just a little more bubbly and smug and he doesn 't have the same vocabulary . He wasn 't the real Mulder , he was Scully 's perception of Mulder , and I can 't think of a better way to reward a fan than that kind of thing a healthy amount of seasons down the road . It seems like there is a lump of like , five different things in that category , and I don 't know what you would label it - like timelines , Sliding Doors , alternate possibilities . I like the idea of the episode that takes you through four iterations of the same events given that this one random thing happened . It 's nothing new at all . Paul Reiser has done it , for God 's sake . The good news with that is that I can say , " Hey , this is pretty normal sitcom stuff . " And I would like to do stuff like that . DH : On the breaking of that episode . I thought , " Let 's make it Andre 's . She 's been through enough . " It worked in nicely as a simple mislead . It was another episode that we had no time to write . It 's ironic to me that you watch that episode , and like I said earlier , we had a childbirth happening in the background of an earlier episode , as if to flagrantly say , " We don 't run on this stuff . We disregard it , because it is just a regular part of life , and it 's not that big of a deal . " I don 't know if it 's shameful or delightful doing exactly that in the foreground . But it was hard to make engaging . I was like , " What are we going to do ? Get her to lay down here and squirt the baby out ? " It 's hard . It was really hard . It 's so funny to me that the handshake part with Pierce , for the moment that it was onscreen , it was absolutely sucking energy away from this creation of life . Like Troy saying " Nooo " and refusing to do the handshake with Pierce . There is so much more joy in that moment than in the actual creation of a life . DH : Well , what I would have done to make it stand out would have been to make it real . I would have done a lot of reading about actual childbirth and made it more like a M * A * S * H episode talking about the plumbing and the ins and outs of what needs to happen . That 's what I would have done to make it ironic . I would have said , " Look who 's giving birth on the next Community . " And I would have put it in , and you would have been shocked at the medical texture of the birthing process . And Abed would have understood it , too , because he would have researched it . But I just didn 't have time . We had to do the birth story , the baby had to come out . I mean , it 's either that or she 's not going to play paintball . I thought it was surprisingly touching with Chang 's performance , holding her hand and lifting her up with the silly stories of Chang babies . That was a success . Pierce disappears from that episode . You see , with the handshake , they are like , " It 's back , " and Pierce is supposed to walk in and be like in the frame . I 'll put it in the DVD . And he goes , " Congratulations , you have passed the test . " But the whole thing is driven by the fact that he tried to kill their handshake . So what we 're missing is coverage . They are doing this thing , and you are supposed to sense his envy of them . You are supposed to see him looking at them getting their magic back and then see him say , " Congratulations , you passed the test . " And having them go , " What test ? " and feeling the pressure of not having an answer in that situation , he looks over at Shirley and says , " Shirley , I 'll give you $ 500 for that baby . " And she says , " No , " and he says , " Congratulations , you passed the test too , " and then just runs out before anyone can call him on his evil . That was the script . None of the nuances of the performances were captured . So it was just like the oddest fever dream you 've ever seen . They get their handshake back , Pierce walks into frame and says , " Congratulations , you have passed the tes " A Fistful Of Paintballs " / " For A Few Paintballs More " ( May 5 , 2011 / May 12 , 2011 ) The two - part finale covers the outbreak of another disastrous paintball game on the Greendale campus . DH : We conceived it as a two - parter in order to make the pitch more palatable . When we started talking about paintball finales , the studio 's justifiable response was , " You just got back down to zero over budget , and now you 're pitching something that 's going to go back up to 700 over ? " And Joe Russo and I tap - danced and said , " Yeah , but if it 's a two - parter , you amortize your costs and stuff . " It 's all very true . It turned out as much over budget as anything . We didn 't care whether they were going to air them a week apart or back - to - back , and I knew that if we got used to one idea , it was going to end up being the other . So I am proud of myself for anticipating the unpredictable nature , because for a very long time , they - I think even the schedule indicates that it was going to be an hourlong finale . I can 't imagine how gross it would have been , because I kept saying from the beginning , " Okay , hourlong finale , but still , each half - hour needs to stand on its own . " I especially knew in syndication and on the DVD and stuff , you 're going to be viewing these things differently , and I also knew there was going to be the possibility that minds would be changed . So I was like , " These things need to function individually as episodes while somehow having a little bit of a narrative connection . " They were saying , " Yeah , we 'll air it back - to - back on this date , " and then very quickly , they changed their minds . It had to do with staggering things with 30 Rock , this and that . It 's always things that are outside your control . You 're a sailor , and there are hurricanes , and you just need to plan for everything . I wanted them to be back - to - back , but I didn 't care if they weren 't . That was the philosophy there . DH : Back in the beginning of the season , my only directive was , " Let 's just make sure we don 't do another cliffhanger . " It kind of went out the window , didn 't it ? I mean the idea of not doing a cliffhanger . Everything went out the window , because we were behind schedule , because it 's hard to write those stories and shoot those episodes . In the end , we 're just pulling together whatever we can . In answer to your question from earlier , is there an episode that I thought sucked that everyone liked ? The answer is the last one . [ Laughs . ] I didn 't watch it until I saw that you guys were reviewing it positively and that the audience was enjoying it . I didn 't go to the sound mix for it . I couldn 't stand the idea of watching it ever again . I edited my cut . I handed it off to the network and studio . I didn 't even get final cut on the episode , because they had notes they wanted to address . It wasn 't their fault , either . It was none of that . I just felt like the script was rushed and the shooting of it was rushed . And I felt like when people are charging across a field in this big paintball war , we hadn 't captured any of it on camera . I felt like we had absolutely failed to tell the story that we were trying to tell . What I didn 't count on was the fact that that TV as a medium is a closer cousin to radio than cinema , and that you can get away with a lot more just by saying , " I 'm a hero . I feel this way . This is a huge battle , and we 're scared . " People respect the effort ; they 're not even drawing the distinction . I was looking at it like a filmmaker , going , " We 've shown nothing . This is supposed to feel like Braveheart . These people are supposed to be in a war . You can 't tell who 's winning and who 's losing . " So I was abjectly ashamed of the episode . Because I look at " Modern Warfare , " and I go , " This should be hanging in a museum , this is a perfect piece of television . " The shots are composed , and the story is told . It 's unstoppable , and everyone 's going to compare . It is a notable response to your question . I 've never felt that way that much , there was never that much disconnect between episodes . Like I said , there 's been one through - line in the edit , going " This thing is going to suck , " but I usually realize by the time I 'm done with that , either that it 's so good to me that I don 't care if people like it , or it 's not that great , and then people are okay with it . Never have I not gone to the sound mix because I felt so terrible , " This episode 's bad , it 's a bad way to end the season , " and then had people go , " Epic , awesome , best , best - ever , great , you did it , good job ! " Pretty weird . DH : That was easy . The fear was that doing a " Modern Warfare " sequel , we wouldn 't be able to have the rate of fire , the body count . The philosophy was to supplant action with style , and we asked ourselves what genres do that . Spaghetti Westerns , fewer people get shot per minute , and yet it feels all the more visceral and action - movie - ish , because of the codes they represent and the idea that if this gun comes out of its holster , someone 's gonna die . The original concept was to do one big spaghetti Western back - to - back , have them be two stories narratively , but not to break style like that . The subsequent decision to lighten things up , it was just one of those things where Joe [ Russo ] was shooting the spaghetti episode , and doing such a good job of it , making it so dark and so postmodern and creepy and John Carpenter - y , that he and I both arrived at the simultaneous conclusion that we should probably not stick the landing on this one in the second episode , that we should probably come up for air , turn the fluorescent lights on . That 's what made me start thinking about Star Wars , because the body count is higher , things are exploding , people are falling in love . It 's truly epic , and there 's a lightness to it . Everything is washed in light , and music is sweeping . It feels innocent and yet somehow there 's a gravity , because of the epicness . That seemed the way to go . And yet there 's a traditional union there between Westerns and Star Wars , in which Star Wars is Magnificent Seven in space , or Seven Samurai . It was a spontaneous decision , but a good one . AVC : The finale is less any one character 's story than this entire ensemble you 've built . DH : Yes . The four - year story 's got Greendale all over it . We start the pilot with the arrival at this campus . This fish out of water , the one guy who doesn 't want to be there . The characters of Jeff Winger and Greendale are created simultaneously . First season , the camera stays on campus ; second season , it starts to wander . Halfway through that second season , Jeff Winger makes the decision that he loves the study group . At the end of the second season , Greendale is being more celebrated than the study group itself . There are implications of that in the Valentine 's Day episode . It 's the idea that once you 've made the decision to love your wife , you 're almost making the decision to love women a little more . You have to respect them more . You can 't just say , " Well , my wife is the best person ever , and everyone else is a piece of shit . " You have to become less misogynistic . And Jeff Winger is becoming less misanthropic and less solipsistic . Ending the season with a celebration of Dean Pelton and Greendale and our group fitting snugly within it like a Russian doll is definitely a deliberate macro - narrative decision that has to do with how the next two years will play out . It 's an important way to begin the third season , and it sets up very important things for season four and beyond . DH : It 's really hard to pick . Least favorite , let 's go first , it should be easier . Let 's say either 217 or 219 , right ? 217 is - DH : Oh right . So that one 's great , because you 've got Britta stealing the Kickpuncher DVD and getting busted . The muted - trombone joke . Britta 's in there and interacting with Troy and Abed . 219 is - DH : " Wine Tasting . " Yeah , that one 's got to be my least favorite , that 's a piece of shit . Set fire to that fucking thing . [ Laughs . ] It 's still great . It 's still so much better than other TV shows . Kevin Corrigan 's in it . Yeah , but I 'd say that 's probably my least favorite , unless there 's one I 'm blocking out emotionally . I mean , 202 [ " The Psychology Of Letting Go " ] is pretty shitty . But it 's an early one , so you 've got some energy there . But you 've got that whole oil - spill thing . It just doesn 't feel like my show . It 's me fucking up . Between those two , I 'm going to say , " God , fuck that Who 's The Boss thing . " That 's hard . It 's really hard , because they 're almost at polar ends of the season . 202 has this ruddy - faced shittiness to it . 219 is this weathered , behind - schedule shittiness . What is the worse crime ? I think it 's probably actually less charismatic , less admirable to be on schedule and to break an episode like 202 . That 's the shittiest one . Yeah , it 's the girls oil - wrestling because they don 't like how each other dresses . Oh wait , you want me to pick my favorite one too . DH : The ones I rattle off , it does start for me at 208 [ " Cooperative Caligraphy " ] . All the episodes before that , I have varying levels of fondness for , but I do feel like something happens going forward from 208 . None of the episodes before that are submitted for Emmy consideration or anything like that . But 208 , 209 [ " Mixology Certification " ] , 210 [ " Conspiracy Theories And Interior Design ] , the Christmas episode , Dungeons & Dragons , the hospital episode , Dinner With Andre episode . And the first paintball , the spaghetti Western paintball , is kind of growing on me . There 's a lot of stuff in there , but I got to give that time . Picking the absolute favorite is really difficult , because they 're so different . [ Let me ] run through a thought experiment in my head that defines " favorite . " Like , if I was going to heaven or a high - school reunion or a desert island and I wanted to bring an episode that represented , like , " I make a sitcom , " I think I would go with 208 , the bottle episode . Because all of the other ones are good in the commission of proving something right or wrong about TV , and the bottle episode is pure love of TV and love of the show itself . You look at 215 [ " Intermediate Documentary Filmmaking " ] , it 's a great achievement , but it 's soiled by my spite for better shows . It 's like I 'm trying to make some point . 214 [ " Advanced Dungeons & Dragons " ] even is me trying to rub my nerdiness in the studio 's face . All of them are tainted with some agenda . 208 feels the most innocently joyful . It feels focused on those characters , and they drive the episode . There 's cleverness , of course , but it 's all a back seat to , " Wow , this show could run forever . " DH : I hope to plan ahead . I 've had good experiences with that and bad experiences , but I hope to sit down with the writers in the beginning of the third season and ask ourselves what the most glorious way to end the third season would be . I want to ask where we 're going to end up . I want to ask that generally , and I want to ask that about each character . That 's a dangerous firecracker to play with , and I was wise to not play with it before now . But now 's the time to play with it , because if I don 't , I 'm not being responsible . It 's the third season . It 's not about proving things and reacting to things anymore . It 's about , " So what ? " It 's about , " What are you going to do ? " And so whether I like it or not , and as risky as it is , I need to lay some plans at the beginning of season three that we 'll build to at the end . And I think that 's going to be a sweeping enough change to accomplish . I 've been studying The Wire over this break and observing the art of the opposite of modularity , which is serialization . That 's not to say that season three of Community will be season four of The Wire , but it is to say that beyond Modern Family and beyond Parks And Rec , the ingredient that will keep Community alive to season four exists somewhere in The Wire . [ Laughs . ] I don 't know how to explain that , but I know it has something to do with the way they end their seasons with these glamorous montages and needle - drops of these stories that seemed disparate and all operate on some theme . It very much reminds me of the end of the first season on Spaced . There 's a feeling that starts from your diaphragm that goes up to the top of your scalp when you 're watching the final moments of a season being executed by someone who didn 't think of themselves as getting away with something episode by episode , but rather looked at their season as a product , too . I want to bring 8 percent of that into Community for season three , to stay alive .
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Community creator Dan Harmon recently sat down with The A . V . Club to discuss the show 's second season , episode by episode . This part covers episode 19 through episode 24 , beginning with " Critical Film Studies " and concluding with the two - part finale , " A Fistful Of Paintballs " and " For A Few Paintballs More . " Parts one , two , and three were published earlier in the week . " Critical Film Studies " ( March 24 , 2011 ) For his birthday , Abed invites Jeff out to dinner , but Jeff and the rest of the group have already set up a party for him at a diner elsewhere . Dan Harmon : I think it ironically began as another bottle episode to save money and aim for a four - day shoot , which saves even more money . Like , what is a bottle episode ? Two guys sitting at a table eating dinner . That makes you think of My Dinner With Andre . What 's the irony of Dinner With Andre ? There had to be something more to it , since we had the whole Pulp Fiction thing . There had to be a reason why this straight man was stuck at the table . He had to be a prisoner at the table stuck talking to this guy . And also , you had to have a reason to cut back and forth between some things . My Dinner With Andre came up as a target at some point in the writers ' room , and from there , we went . We were so far behind schedule that there was no table - read for that episode , and the brass were arguing among themselves over editing the drug - play episode by phone . For the large part of this episode , I was in this room alone with Megan [ Ganz ] . I remember that experience very well because I was at my emotional wits ' end . I had been told numerous times before that , as early as episode seven , that I was at my wits ' end . People kept telling me to stop . They would say , " You 're at the end of your rope . " And I 'd say , " Why are you saying that ? That seems like a weird thing to wish on someone . I 'm really happy . I love my show . " And they 'd say , " No , no , you are exhausted , you need to cool out . " And I 'd go home from those meetings thinking , " I think that they just wish that I wasn 't me . " And it 's funny , because on that episode , I found out what the actual end of the rope feels like , because there is definitely no point in both seasons where I 've been so terrified of my own failure . I 've never been able to taste it like that . It was a combination of being that far behind schedule - there was no breaking the story , having a draft , table - reading , getting notes - and the episode obviously wouldn 't have existed if that had had to happen , because that process was designed to stop weird things from happSometimes you focus so much on getting away with stuff because you think , " Oh , if I could just get away with it , then everything will be great . " But then you get away with something accidentally , and you realize , " Wait , I get away with everything . I 'm at the tippy - top of a $ 2 million investment into a half - hour of television about what ? What is even going on in this story ? " And it surprises people to hear me describe it that way , because mostly it was just a cute episode . It wasn 't perceived by anyone - and I refuse to read any reviews of this episode - but it seemed from the Twitter feed that really all of my anxiety was … the disparity was really odd . I don 't think anyone looks at that episode and thinks , " Oh man , you must have really been wrestling with that . It looks like it terrified you . " But I was sitting at that desk in front of a computer , and Megan was sitting where you 're sitting , and the first thing that happened was I heard that Russ [ Krasnoff ] , one of the EPs , was wandering the set asking questions about Pulp Fiction - like whether people would understand references to Pulp Fiction . This was the worst thing I could hear . I mean , I was thinking of the Pulp Fiction thing as the sort of dumb anchor that you could just hang onto . And now I 'm hearing that this guy is going , " You know , who knows ? Isn 't that movie kinda old ? And you aren 't even saying Pulp Fiction , you just have a guy wandering around with boxing gloves on . " And it 's the validity of that observation that made me upset . It 's like pulling north off of your compass . So now the needle is spinning . I 'm sleep - deprived , I 'm breaking a story on a whiteboard with a 25 - year - old writer from The Onion who has never worked in TV in her life , except for Important Things With Demetri Martin . I 'm breaking a story within a story about a character visiting the set of another TV show , and the story has to be structured to simulate birth , life , and death - and there are no jokes . There are just no jokes in it . And I ' So I went and apologized , and I came back , and I sat at the keyboard , and I can 't remember any of the actual conversation , but I was just like , " I fucked up , I fucked up really bad . Everybody had been waiting for me to fail this whole time , and I finally did it . This was going to be 20 minutes of dead air . This is a terrible thing . I spiraled and barfed it up . " She could have destroyed the show at that moment by just agreeing with me . If she had said nothing , everything would have fallen apart . Instead , I heard her say what I needed her to say , which was something like , " I think this is a great episode . This is a great show . If you stop doing what you 're doing , I will move back to Michigan . We have to keep doing this and finish it . " I know I started crying , and I just rubbed it away , and we just kept going . And it was a fine episode . People liked it . I cried again when I saw the Twitter feed . It wasn 't like they were saying it was Citizen Kane , but they also weren 't saying , " What is this ? What happened ? " They were saying , " I love this . I know what 's happening . " Whether they had seen My Dinner With Andre or not , my hope was that I didn 't make the episode dependent on that . People just enjoyed it as an episode . I was at home in my office just crying and watching people not hate it . It made me feel like I couldn 't believe how much of a weight had been lifted off my chest . In that six weeks between me crying in my office and the night it aired , I had been walking around with unresolved anxiety . You know , something related to that fraud complex . " You don 't know what you 're doing . Why do you deserve a TV show ? Why are you doing these things ? Why do you keep trying to get fired ? When are you just going to be happy ? " DH : [ Laughs . ] No , I know what you mean . But the first season , they added the three extra episodes so late that those three are actually modular , because we proceeded with the last three episodes and just figured , " Well , if they actually order the extra three , we can insert them into this gap . " But this season , they ordered them early enough that we could fit them in . It was just the same situation as before . We were running late and panicking and just throwing things together . Anything that was happening within the vicinity of My Dinner With Andre was impacted by the gravity of that episode . There were two things happening : There are resources being drawn from my brain for that episode , but more importantly - because my brain ain 't that crucial to the goings - on around here - my terror about what I 'm doing on one of these other episodes that seems risky was being overcompensated for by my going , " Whatever you do , make it sound normal . I need a normal one before and after this episode . " So 217 and 219 are apologies for 218 . In advance and afterward . It makes sense to do that . I go , " Look , if I 'm wrong about this being a good episode , then God forbid that there be a string of three of them . " I mean , it 's a sitcom . There is whistling and clapping , and some guy says , " Got milk ? " and some other guy says , " Talk to the hand , " and then it goes " boing , " and there is a reaction shot , and there is a tuba . I was like , " Give me that shit . " That 's my directive in those moments . I probably shoot stuff down in overcompensation . I can 't remember specifically , but I shudder to think . There are probably people pitching me cool shit before and after 218 , and I 'm just like , " Nah , what if one of them grows a mustache ? " It couldn 't be more standard . I feel like that one could be in like , season zero . I mean , what is that ? It 's Jeff Winger not liking to think that Pierce can get laid quicker . It 's dumb . You could put it after the STD - fair episode in season one . So what , he hasn 't chanAVC : Stephen Tobolowsky 's in it . DH : Oh yeah , that 's the Who 's The Boss one . Yeah , and he revels in his blog that he was recovering from heart surgery during that , and he still knocked it out of the park . He was great to have . And that story is the redeeming thing about that episode . It was written from scratch three hours before the table - read . And it didn 't really change after that . We read it , and then we shot it . Really , the story started out as Abed taking a class about analyzing Who 's The Boss . It was more of a runner . There wasn 't really an arc to it . He just keeps saying that the class is really complicated . He thought that it would be really easy , but it 's a lot harder than he expected , you know , figuring out who the boss was . So three hours before we table - read it , we talked about the tropes of professors and students and academic stores and heroes and how this thing could play out . It was fun ; it came from a place of joy , just the adrenaline of making shit up and making people laugh . We were writing on the fly . You know , we had a part where Abed says what he says to the professor and walks about and the cameras track him across the courtyard , and there are Cambridge bells for no reason , and then gunshots , and Abed stops and turns his head and keeps walking . [ Laughs . ] And I killed it . NBC didn 't want to do it , but I didn 't push back . And I think the writers were a little mad , like they thought I sold them out . But it just wasn 't Abed 's character . If he knows someone is blowing their brains out and he had a hand in it , he wouldn 't not care . That 's not Abed . I think some people were genuinely disappointed that I wasn 't punk - rock enough to endorse that storyline . But I felt that that didn 't pass my own Standards & Practices . That 's just not Abed . " Paradigms Of Human Memory " ( April 21 , 2011 ) When the group discovers an unexpected treasure trove , they think back over the adventures of the year - adventures the audience hasn 't been privy to . DH : That was just one of those things . It dovetailed quickly with the whole " What if Britta and Jeff had been fuck - buddies for the whole year " thing . I really love the concept , and the attractive thing about it was that we could do it again . We can do another clip - show episode . We established that it wasn 't too obnoxious or too treacle - y or too driven by one particular premise . It can be like the nub of your pen that you switch out for a certain different style . And I can 't wait to do it again , because for as cool as that episode turned out , it was so much work , and so hard . Relative to the amount of work , there are ways we could have done that episode and gotten three times as much out of it . It was very difficult to break a story around it . Again , there is always that thing that weighs on us where we go , " What do Jeff and Britta fucking have to do with paintball ? " And this time , Jeff and Britta had been fucking . And I remember [ Chris ] McKenna being hesitant to build an episode around that . And I never really understood what his beef was , but I wanted to respect that , because he is just good . He just didn 't like the idea of building the whole episode around those two hooking up . And it quickly became dog - paddling and thrashing for our lives . I kinda wish he was sitting at the table so I could remember what the difficulties were in breaking that story . But I know they were tremendous . It was a huge challenge . Typically [ clip shows ] will be bookended . The Family Ties family will say , " Oh no , the power went out , let 's open our presents early . " And then they will spend the whole episode opening presents , but there 's not really a story being told . It 's just a clip show . And at the end , they say , " Oh , the power 's back on . Merry Christmas . " We were insistent ; we had to feel like we were rounding corners here , on how you do that . It 's the comedy that saved us from our failings in that department . Because it really is a challenge we never conquered . If you watch that episode , you can see the seeds are being laid . It 's a strong first act in terms of the story . Jeff and Britta have been fucking , " What ? Oh my God , this portends dot , dot , dot . " And we never revisit it . It cascades into random accusations of people being shitty people , and then it comes back around to apologies . It actually ends up being a commentary about their predictability and their ennui , their existential vacuum . I think maybe that 's what McKenna might have meant . Maybe he wanted to build it around something like that so it would have had a theme and a backbone , and it probably would have been a superior version of the episode . I don 't know , the Jeff / Britta thing seems wedged in there , it really does . AVC : It comes up organically within the episode . DH : Remember how it comes up ? I mean , Abed just drops it . It comes up organically , but it is decidedly a sandbag . Originally , my concept was that because Jeff and Britta had been fucking the entire year , they were in higher spirits than the rest of the group . That was a dumb idea . You can see traces of that in the script , but it 's a dumb idea . It 's like , " Well , they fuck all the time , so they aren 't as tense , and they have a secret , and that makes them seem healthier and almost smugly above everyone else . " So they remember the Glee episode better , like they forgot that everyone died on the bus , and they remember everything as being adorable because it 's no big deal . Like , when you 're getting laid , nothing seems like life and death . And then you 're prying up that suspicion until it 's like , " Wait , have you guys been fucking all year ? " And there are remnants of that in there that aren 't held faithful to . It 's neither here nor there with any of it . The concept plus the jokes hold that thing together fine . There is some duct tape so strong you can make anything out of it . It all turned out for the best . That was an episode that I didn 't walk away from thinking it sucked and then find out from the audience that it was good , but as with many , many , many of them - I 'll just estimate 40 to 60 percent of them - I was absolutely convinced that this thing was going to suck in the editing bay as I was editing it . I was just like , " This thing is going to stink . We fucked up bad . " That happened a lot . And the process is like looking at this baby coming out of me and thinking , " This is a monster . What are we going to do ? " DH : Yeah , " Haunted House . " The idea that these guys would go spend the night in a haunted house , like some kind of creepy old mansion . Well , there goes next Halloween . But I justified it by thinking , " Well , that episode would have been fun to write , but it probably would have sucked . " I played that game with myself , where you go , " Okay , they are around a campfire , so you 're telling me they can never go camping together again ? " No , they can go camping again , and they will go camping again . This show moves faster . Its metabolism is faster because it was born in a later age . It 's like Eric Stoltz in The Fly II . It needs to be faster than Jeff Goldblum in The Fly in order to live . So when they go camping in season three or season five , then it will be the second time they have gone camping , and that will be part of the story . And that 's a good thing . It challenges you . Before it even becomes a template , pronouncing Dean Pelton coming into the room in different costumes and beating it to death and making it an emotional experience for him . That was the cool thing about that episode . With the Winger speech and stuff . My fear was that we were only accomplishing the negative part of that , to destroy things that people valued . But when I saw that in the final mix , it was like , " We did it . We threaded the needle . " It should be an uplifting message - subtly . We are going , " Hey , in our world , we will call ourselves out on any predictability before you will have to . Even if we make it up . Also , any patterns that we get into , they will move twice as fast . We are all the more committed to being a real sitcom by virtue of knowing what that entails . " There were times when I was making early cuts that I turned to my girlfriend and said , " I think I fucked up again . " Actually , when she was looking at an early cut , she resonated my worst fears . She said , " You are kind of waving a giant flag about your sitcom and saying , ' This is a sitcom this time . ' Like , you 're often accused of that , but now , you 've done it . " And I compensated for that in subsequent cuts . Because it 's just tiny , micro things that send that message . If you strip things out and ground them , there is a little bit of ridiculousness to things in the form of ad - lib taglines , like Jeff and Britta would walk away from the torn - up house , and Donald [ Glover ] just ad - libbed , " Jeff said he knew how to land a plane . " And it was like , " Okay , it 's funny , but if you leave that in , then you have created a different fabric of your reality . " The dean saying this habitat was for humanity , there are just so many things going on , but we can fit that into the canon of the show ? Where were they ? Tijuana ? These guys are pointing guns at Pierce . We know they aren 't in Amsterdam or the North Pole . I felt ultimately really , really , really good about it . But I will always regret that we weren 't able to simultaneously tell a really great story about the group that made you cry at the end . That would be the hat trick . But the good news is that with that concept , we can go back to it again . DH : Well , the things that leap to mind are the Rashomon thing . There are a lot of branches coming off of that tree , the Run Lola Run thing , multiple revisitations of the same timeline , multiple timelines , Sliding Doors , all that stuff . Malcolm In The Middle did a Sliding Doors episode , and every show does a Rashomon episode eventually . They are the best episodes ever . The X - Files ' Rashomon episode was so great and so insightful about their characters . To see Scully 's perception of Mulder when she 's in a bad mood , her characterization of his persona in a typical X - Files episode where she walks into the room and he is just a little more bubbly and smug and he doesn 't have the same vocabulary . He wasn 't the real Mulder , he was Scully 's perception of Mulder , and I can 't think of a better way to reward a fan than that kind of thing a healthy amount of seasons down the road . It seems like there is a lump of like , five different things in that category , and I don 't know what you would label it - like timelines , Sliding Doors , alternate possibilities . I like the idea of the episode that takes you through four iterations of the same events given that this one random thing happened . It 's nothing new at all . Paul Reiser has done it , for God 's sake . The good news with that is that I can say , " Hey , this is pretty normal sitcom stuff . " And I would like to do stuff like that . DH : On the breaking of that episode . I thought , " Let 's make it Andre 's . She 's been through enough . " It worked in nicely as a simple mislead . It was another episode that we had no time to write . It 's ironic to me that you watch that episode , and like I said earlier , we had a childbirth happening in the background of an earlier episode , as if to flagrantly say , " We don 't run on this stuff . We disregard it , because it is just a regular part of life , and it 's not that big of a deal . " I don 't know if it 's shameful or delightful doing exactly that in the foreground . But it was hard to make engaging . I was like , " What are we going to do ? Get her to lay down here and squirt the baby out ? " It 's hard . It was really hard . It 's so funny to me that the handshake part with Pierce , for the moment that it was onscreen , it was absolutely sucking energy away from this creation of life . Like Troy saying " Nooo " and refusing to do the handshake with Pierce . There is so much more joy in that moment than in the actual creation of a life . DH : Well , what I would have done to make it stand out would have been to make it real . I would have done a lot of reading about actual childbirth and made it more like a M * A * S * H episode talking about the plumbing and the ins and outs of what needs to happen . That 's what I would have done to make it ironic . I would have said , " Look who 's giving birth on the next Community . " And I would have put it in , and you would have been shocked at the medical texture of the birthing process . And Abed would have understood it , too , because he would have researched it . But I just didn 't have time . We had to do the birth story , the baby had to come out . I mean , it 's either that or she 's not going to play paintball . I thought it was surprisingly touching with Chang 's performance , holding her hand and lifting her up with the silly stories of Chang babies . That was a success . Pierce disappears from that episode . You see , with the handshake , they are like , " It 's back , " and Pierce is supposed to walk in and be like in the frame . I 'll put it in the DVD . And he goes , " Congratulations , you have passed the test . " But the whole thing is driven by the fact that he tried to kill their handshake . So what we 're missing is coverage . They are doing this thing , and you are supposed to sense his envy of them . You are supposed to see him looking at them getting their magic back and then see him say , " Congratulations , you passed the test . " And having them go , " What test ? " and feeling the pressure of not having an answer in that situation , he looks over at Shirley and says , " Shirley , I 'll give you $ 500 for that baby . " And she says , " No , " and he says , " Congratulations , you passed the test too , " and then just runs out before anyone can call him on his evil . That was the script . None of the nuances of the performances were captured . So it was just like the oddest fever dream you 've ever seen . They get their handshake back , Pierce walks into frame and says , " Congratulations , you have passed the tes " A Fistful Of Paintballs " / " For A Few Paintballs More " ( May 5 , 2011 / May 12 , 2011 ) The two - part finale covers the outbreak of another disastrous paintball game on the Greendale campus . DH : We conceived it as a two - parter in order to make the pitch more palatable . When we started talking about paintball finales , the studio 's justifiable response was , " You just got back down to zero over budget , and now you 're pitching something that 's going to go back up to 700 over ? " And Joe Russo and I tap - danced and said , " Yeah , but if it 's a two - parter , you amortize your costs and stuff . " It 's all very true . It turned out as much over budget as anything . We didn 't care whether they were going to air them a week apart or back - to - back , and I knew that if we got used to one idea , it was going to end up being the other . So I am proud of myself for anticipating the unpredictable nature , because for a very long time , they - I think even the schedule indicates that it was going to be an hourlong finale . I can 't imagine how gross it would have been , because I kept saying from the beginning , " Okay , hourlong finale , but still , each half - hour needs to stand on its own . " I especially knew in syndication and on the DVD and stuff , you 're going to be viewing these things differently , and I also knew there was going to be the possibility that minds would be changed . So I was like , " These things need to function individually as episodes while somehow having a little bit of a narrative connection . " They were saying , " Yeah , we 'll air it back - to - back on this date , " and then very quickly , they changed their minds . It had to do with staggering things with 30 Rock , this and that . It 's always things that are outside your control . You 're a sailor , and there are hurricanes , and you just need to plan for everything . I wanted them to be back - to - back , but I didn 't care if they weren 't . That was the philosophy there . DH : Back in the beginning of the season , my only directive was , " Let 's just make sure we don 't do another cliffhanger . " It kind of went out the window , didn 't it ? I mean the idea of not doing a cliffhanger . Everything went out the window , because we were behind schedule , because it 's hard to write those stories and shoot those episodes . In the end , we 're just pulling together whatever we can . In answer to your question from earlier , is there an episode that I thought sucked that everyone liked ? The answer is the last one . [ Laughs . ] I didn 't watch it until I saw that you guys were reviewing it positively and that the audience was enjoying it . I didn 't go to the sound mix for it . I couldn 't stand the idea of watching it ever again . I edited my cut . I handed it off to the network and studio . I didn 't even get final cut on the episode , because they had notes they wanted to address . It wasn 't their fault , either . It was none of that . I just felt like the script was rushed and the shooting of it was rushed . And I felt like when people are charging across a field in this big paintball war , we hadn 't captured any of it on camera . I felt like we had absolutely failed to tell the story that we were trying to tell . What I didn 't count on was the fact that that TV as a medium is a closer cousin to radio than cinema , and that you can get away with a lot more just by saying , " I 'm a hero . I feel this way . This is a huge battle , and we 're scared . " People respect the effort ; they 're not even drawing the distinction . I was looking at it like a filmmaker , going , " We 've shown nothing . This is supposed to feel like Braveheart . These people are supposed to be in a war . You can 't tell who 's winning and who 's losing . " So I was abjectly ashamed of the episode . Because I look at " Modern Warfare , " and I go , " This should be hanging in a museum , this is a perfect piece of television . " The shots are composed , and the story is told . It 's unstoppable , and everyone 's going to compare . It is a notable response to your question . I 've never felt that way that much , there was never that much disconnect between episodes . Like I said , there 's been one through - line in the edit , going " This thing is going to suck , " but I usually realize by the time I 'm done with that , either that it 's so good to me that I don 't care if people like it , or it 's not that great , and then people are okay with it . Never have I not gone to the sound mix because I felt so terrible , " This episode 's bad , it 's a bad way to end the season , " and then had people go , " Epic , awesome , best , best - ever , great , you did it , good job ! " Pretty weird . DH : That was easy . The fear was that doing a " Modern Warfare " sequel , we wouldn 't be able to have the rate of fire , the body count . The philosophy was to supplant action with style , and we asked ourselves what genres do that . Spaghetti Westerns , fewer people get shot per minute , and yet it feels all the more visceral and action - movie - ish , because of the codes they represent and the idea that if this gun comes out of its holster , someone 's gonna die . The original concept was to do one big spaghetti Western back - to - back , have them be two stories narratively , but not to break style like that . The subsequent decision to lighten things up , it was just one of those things where Joe [ Russo ] was shooting the spaghetti episode , and doing such a good job of it , making it so dark and so postmodern and creepy and John Carpenter - y , that he and I both arrived at the simultaneous conclusion that we should probably not stick the landing on this one in the second episode , that we should probably come up for air , turn the fluorescent lights on . That 's what made me start thinking about Star Wars , because the body count is higher , things are exploding , people are falling in love . It 's truly epic , and there 's a lightness to it . Everything is washed in light , and music is sweeping . It feels innocent and yet somehow there 's a gravity , because of the epicness . That seemed the way to go . And yet there 's a traditional union there between Westerns and Star Wars , in which Star Wars is Magnificent Seven in space , or Seven Samurai . It was a spontaneous decision , but a good one . AVC : The finale is less any one character 's story than this entire ensemble you 've built . DH : Yes . The four - year story 's got Greendale all over it . We start the pilot with the arrival at this campus . This fish out of water , the one guy who doesn 't want to be there . The characters of Jeff Winger and Greendale are created simultaneously . First season , the camera stays on campus ; second season , it starts to wander . Halfway through that second season , Jeff Winger makes the decision that he loves the study group . At the end of the second season , Greendale is being more celebrated than the study group itself . There are implications of that in the Valentine 's Day episode . It 's the idea that once you 've made the decision to love your wife , you 're almost making the decision to love women a little more . You have to respect them more . You can 't just say , " Well , my wife is the best person ever , and everyone else is a piece of shit . " You have to become less misogynistic . And Jeff Winger is becoming less misanthropic and less solipsistic . Ending the season with a celebration of Dean Pelton and Greendale and our group fitting snugly within it like a Russian doll is definitely a deliberate macro - narrative decision that has to do with how the next two years will play out . It 's an important way to begin the third season , and it sets up very important things for season four and beyond . DH : It 's really hard to pick . Least favorite , let 's go first , it should be easier . Let 's say either 217 or 219 , right ? 217 is - DH : Oh right . So that one 's great , because you 've got Britta stealing the Kickpuncher DVD and getting busted . The muted - trombone joke . Britta 's in there and interacting with Troy and Abed . 219 is - DH : " Wine Tasting . " Yeah , that one 's got to be my least favorite , that 's a piece of shit . Set fire to that fucking thing . [ Laughs . ] It 's still great . It 's still so much better than other TV shows . Kevin Corrigan 's in it . Yeah , but I 'd say that 's probably my least favorite , unless there 's one I 'm blocking out emotionally . I mean , 202 [ " The Psychology Of Letting Go " ] is pretty shitty . But it 's an early one , so you 've got some energy there . But you 've got that whole oil - spill thing . It just doesn 't feel like my show . It 's me fucking up . Between those two , I 'm going to say , " God , fuck that Who 's The Boss thing . " That 's hard . It 's really hard , because they 're almost at polar ends of the season . 202 has this ruddy - faced shittiness to it . 219 is this weathered , behind - schedule shittiness . What is the worse crime ? I think it 's probably actually less charismatic , less admirable to be on schedule and to break an episode like 202 . That 's the shittiest one . Yeah , it 's the girls oil - wrestling because they don 't like how each other dresses . Oh wait , you want me to pick my favorite one too . DH : The ones I rattle off , it does start for me at 208 [ " Cooperative Caligraphy " ] . All the episodes before that , I have varying levels of fondness for , but I do feel like something happens going forward from 208 . None of the episodes before that are submitted for Emmy consideration or anything like that . But 208 , 209 [ " Mixology Certification " ] , 210 [ " Conspiracy Theories And Interior Design ] , the Christmas episode , Dungeons & Dragons , the hospital episode , Dinner With Andre episode . And the first paintball , the spaghetti Western paintball , is kind of growing on me . There 's a lot of stuff in there , but I got to give that time . Picking the absolute favorite is really difficult , because they 're so different . [ Let me ] run through a thought experiment in my head that defines " favorite . " Like , if I was going to heaven or a high - school reunion or a desert island and I wanted to bring an episode that represented , like , " I make a sitcom , " I think I would go with 208 , the bottle episode . Because all of the other ones are good in the commission of proving something right or wrong about TV , and the bottle episode is pure love of TV and love of the show itself . You look at 215 [ " Intermediate Documentary Filmmaking " ] , it 's a great achievement , but it 's soiled by my spite for better shows . It 's like I 'm trying to make some point . 214 [ " Advanced Dungeons & Dragons " ] even is me trying to rub my nerdiness in the studio 's face . All of them are tainted with some agenda . 208 feels the most innocently joyful . It feels focused on those characters , and they drive the episode . There 's cleverness , of course , but it 's all a back seat to , " Wow , this show could run forever . " DH : I hope to plan ahead . I 've had good experiences with that and bad experiences , but I hope to sit down with the writers in the beginning of the third season and ask ourselves what the most glorious way to end the third season would be . I want to ask where we 're going to end up . I want to ask that generally , and I want to ask that about each character . That 's a dangerous firecracker to play with , and I was wise to not play with it before now . But now 's the time to play with it , because if I don 't , I 'm not being responsible . It 's the third season . It 's not about proving things and reacting to things anymore . It 's about , " So what ? " It 's about , " What are you going to do ? " And so whether I like it or not , and as risky as it is , I need to lay some plans at the beginning of season three that we 'll build to at the end . And I think that 's going to be a sweeping enough change to accomplish . I 've been studying The Wire over this break and observing the art of the opposite of modularity , which is serialization . That 's not to say that season three of Community will be season four of The Wire , but it is to say that beyond Modern Family and beyond Parks And Rec , the ingredient that will keep Community alive to season four exists somewhere in The Wire . [ Laughs . ] I don 't know how to explain that , but I know it has something to do with the way they end their seasons with these glamorous montages and needle - drops of these stories that seemed disparate and all operate on some theme . It very much reminds me of the end of the first season on Spaced . There 's a feeling that starts from your diaphragm that goes up to the top of your scalp when you 're watching the final moments of a season being executed by someone who didn 't think of themselves as getting away with something episode by episode , but rather looked at their season as a product , too . I want to bring 8 percent of that into Community for season three , to stay alive .
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Welcome . I was inspired to write this blog while pregnant with my son , Josiah . At 18 weeks gestation , Josiah was diagnosed with Down Syndrome . He had open heart surgery at 3 months and has had RSV twice . He is now 21 months old . He and his two older brothers amaze us everyday . Josiah was not a mistake , nor is he a regret . He is a miracle and the light of our lives . We share with you this beautiful life we have been blessed with . DSE will launch a new reading and language intervention for children with Down syndrome in June . This structured programme is designed to teach literacy skills to children with Down syndrome . It has been shown to improve language and reading outcomes in a landmark randomised controlled intervention trial . The Reading and Language Intervention for Children with Down Syndrome combines reading and language instruction in daily teaching sessions that are designed to meet the particular learning needs of children with Down syndrome . It incorporates work on letter knowledge , phonological awareness , whole word and book reading . In addition to these key components of effective reading interventions , the programme integrates the teaching of vocabulary and connected spoken and written language to help children with Down syndrome overcome some of the challenges associated with their particular language difficulties . The programme was designed by leading researchers in the fields of reading development and Down syndrome and evaluated in a landmark randomised controlled intervention trial . The trial was funded by the UK Big Lottery Fund and conducted by researchers at Down Syndrome Education International and at the Centre for Reading and Language at the University of York . This study compared the progress of primary / elementary children with Down syndrome receiving the intervention with the progress of children receiving routine reading instruction in inclusive primary school settings in two areas in the United Kingdom . After 20 weeks , children receiving the programme had made significantly more progress on key reading and language outcome measures than children in the control group . Jesse had a friend over on Tuesday and we all went to playgroup - it was great ! Unfortunately , after the friend left , Jesse didn 't feel well . He missed school for the rest of the week . His symptoms consisted only of vomiting and diarrhea . . . . once or twice daily ; no other symptoms . We 've had to work around him being home , and not feeling well . We called the pediatrician today but they suggested we continue to do what we have been doing ( keeping him hydrated and feeding him the " brat " diet ) . My parents are Godsends - they have taken Jesse and James for the night . Yesterday , D & K ( EI ) came out to work with Josiah . As usual , Josiah was out to impress . He tolerated handling well ( he does love being handled by his girlfriends - hahaha ) and was cooperative with side - lying . He laid on his belly for an extended time , lifting his head with great determination ! D & K are very pleased with his progress over the last couple of weeks . Josiah 's cereal eating continues to go well . He enjoys his rice cereal once / daily . I 've called C to update her ; I know she is ready to jump in , when needed , for and / all feeding issues . Today , I was able to do some much - needed errands . The older boys are at my parents house for the night . Carl & I are going to be able to enjoy some ' alone ' time ( with Josiah , of course ) . Right now , the house is quiet . The baby is sleeping . Life is good . April vacation is officially over . Jesse is back to school . Our EI friends are back . Playgroups are running . Things seem back to normal ; apparently in my old age , structure is a good thing : ) I already feel less stir crazy and more focused . I talked to KF this a . m . She was clearly not disappointed in Josiah 's weight gain . Left to my own devices , I wasn 't either . However , I still get anxiety riddled over how the MD may react to a less than ideal weight gain . We know that the MD would like to have seen twice the gain , but given everything - we think Josiah is doing great ! He is alert , oriented , responsive , engaging , and active . He also grew three inches in the past two months . The MD remarked that his height places him in the 15th percentile . His weight places him on the " 0 " percentile . When asked , " of the Down Syndrome chart ? , " the answer was no . The computer only charts on the ' regular ' chart . So , at 6 months , he 's 11lbs 7 . 5oz . He 's 25 . 5inches tall . I decided to check the Down Syndrome growth chart for boys . Josiah 's weight places him in the 10th percentile . His height places him in the 50th percentile ! I think I 'll start carrying this chart with me to the MD 's office : ) On Thursday , the MD had given the go - ahead to start rice cereal . I 'll be honest . . . . I 've dragged my feet a little on this issue . I had asked the question ( can we start cereal ? ) then , of course , regretted having asked . I even told KF that I was probably going to delay the endeavor . Of course , then there are time when you ask yourself " why wait ? " Last night proved to be one of those nights . After breastfeeding Josiah , and giving him two bottles , the child seems insatiable . It was as if he decided to make up for all of the slow weight gain , in ONE night . So , out came the rice cereal . I made it thicker than usual ( but not as " paste - like " as suggested by the MD ) . Josiah did great ! ! ! ! Given his extremely high palette , I wasn 't sure how well he would do . As is typical for Josiah , he made me wonder why I had questioned his ability . . . . . . I lost track of how much , in all , he consumed but it was a lot for one little boy . Needless to say , when he fell asleep - he slept soundly all night . I had to wake him this a . m . around 7am . . . . the breastfeeding had gone too long - he needed to eat ! ! ! ! And so he did . Despite the fact that my milk supply was GREAT this a . m . , he proved still hungry ! So , out came the rice cereal again ! He enjoyed his bowl of cereal & the remainder of a five ounce bottle . After a few good burps , he was in his swing & dreaming about the things babies dream about : ) James has been a crazy little person this morning . I 've somehow managed to get a few things done . In a while , we 'll pack up the little ones , pick up Jesse ( and his friend ) from school , and we 're off to playgroup # 1 . Hopefully , I can squeeze a quick errand in after playgroup . Tomorrow is another playgroup for James . Thursday , EI returns for Josiah . That will end the appointments for the week , I think . Meanwhile , my non - smoking venture has been a complete success . It 's been three weeks as of last night ! It 's been amazingly easy : ) This touching video crossed paths with me , this week . It raises the question . . . how far must one go to be accepted ? If you 're ' different , ' how must you appear in order to receive acceptance from a stranger ? Compassion ? Affection ? http : / / www . youtube . com / watch ? v = zFWr - CKMWGY 3 . Life expectancy for someone with Down Syndrome has increased from 12 years ( in 1912 ) to 60 years . * In March 2012 , the Guiness Book of World Records website listed Joyce Greenman , now 87 , of London , who was born on 3 / 14 / 1925 , as the oldest living person with Down Syndrome . 11 . In the U . S . , it is referred to as " Down Syndrome . " In the U . K . , it is referred to as " Downs Syndrome . " It has been a mellow week . While I usually enjoy ' down time , ' I 'm finding it to be an aggravation this week . I have been bored , ' stir crazy , ' and seeking ' something . ' It 's hard to explain what I 'm even looking for . . . . . I 'm just feeling a bit unsettled . Jesse is enjoying April vacation this week . All but one of the EI workers are on vacation . One of the two playgroups are on vacation . So , James has had one playgroup ; Josiah has had one EI visit with the feeding specialist C ( and shadower D ) . As usual , he was out to impress his girlfriend ( s ) . Josiah tolerated every task , and met every challenge with his usual determination . In between , Mama has been cleaning , going through things , doing laundry , and trying to keep myself from going insane . I 've been dreaming up freecycle pick ups to do , just to pass the time . I even made Josiah 's six - month check up for today , just to give me something to do . Perhaps knowing that Josiah 's weight would soon be checked , and the certainty that he did not gain 1oz per day , has had me on edge ; I wouldn 't be surprised . The end result was this : Josiah weighed in at 11lbs 7 . 5oz . He gained approximately 1 / 2oz per day over the last month . " Ideally , " we would like to see a 1oz / day weight gain - that just may be unrealistic . Josiah , surprisingly , grew THREE inches over the past 2 months ! ! ! That seemed like a lot - I was pleased . Though the MD would like to see 1oz / day , he seemed satisfied with the current gain . . . . thank goodness ! Josiah & I were up early this a . m . in preparation for D 's weekly visit . Josiah was fed and changed . The floor was ready for today 's session when D arrived . As usual , she was met with huge smiles . Josiah 's ' talking ' was superior today . He enjoyed ' talking ' to D and each toy he was given . He even ' talked ' to the cute baby in the mirror : ) Josiah tolerated side lying today , without the usual fuss . He reached well for toys , grabbing most that interested him . He successfully rolled onto his tummy and proceeded to ' show off ' for D . Josiah turned his head from side - to - side with relative ease . This included turning it from R to L , something he has struggled with previously . While on his tummy , D brought his elbows in ; Josiah was able to lift his head to look at Mama ( I was lying on my tummy , facing him ) . We have never seen him lift his head as well as he did today . He didn 't just rest his chin on the floor , he had several inches of clearance between his chin and floor . He did this several times . Both D and I almost squealed in delight . Later in the session , Josiah was able to accomplish this task again - while facing the mirror . Josiah tolerated sitting up very well today ( while being supported by D ) . Josiah was able to keep his head up independently for about 10 - 15 seconds . He 's still my little bobble - head , but his neck muscles are clearly getting stronger . Josiah successfully balanced his own head numerous times , each for 10 - 15 seconds . We were thrilled to see this accomplishment . While sitting , Josiah reached for toys - grabbing several . He really enjoyed his musical gym today . It was the much needed toy , about 40 minutes into the session . He turned his head several times , to look at D , while balancing his own head . Despite growing weary , I think he was proud of himself . I know we were proud of him < 3 Josiah lasted a total of 1 hour 5 minutes ( only 10 minutes shy of the complete session ) . He was exhausted and happy to be in Mama 's arms . After nursing for about 3 minutes , he fell fast asleep : ) I expect he 'll be asleep for a while . Next week , D & K are on vacation . Carl & I will be sure to continue to work with Josiah so he doesn 't lose any ground . He is an amazing little boy . His strength and determination are overwhelming ! He will clearly accomplish anything he sets his mind to . We are so proud of him . We packed up on Saturday morning , and headed out to meet our new friends . We gathered at the family 's home . Carl & I met a lot of great folks - all whom have a child with DS . We met a lot of great kids . Lunch was fabulous ! The company was wonderful . The Easter Egg Hunt in their beautiful back yard was a smashing success . The Easter Bunny even stopped by for pictures , etc . Jesse and James had a riot collecting their Easter eggs . They played on the climbing structure , with various toys , enjoyed rides in a wagon , and hugged the Easter bunny . After a few hours , we said good bye to our new friends and headed home . Jesse and James were soon off , again , to their grandparents house . There , they spent the remainder of the day cooking goodies for Sunday 's get - together . Carl and I spent most of our day cleaning and preparing for Sunday . Sunday went smoothly . Everyone came to our house . We all had a nice day . The older boys had fun with their Uncle T & Auntie A . Josiah did what babies do . . . . ate , slept , and enjoyed being cuddled : ) On Monday , K returned to work with Josiah . As usual , he enjoyed seeing his ' girlfriend . ' He happily worked with K for the duration . Josiah is demonstrating more and more strength every day . He turns his head from side - to - side , more readily now , while on his tummy . His determination continues to be obvious . He is such a little trooper . After his session , it was James turn . K met with James for his session . C joined the team this week . C will be working with James , weekly , on his speech . K will continue to work with James , weekly , as well . James loves the extra attention . K is met with squeals of delight , each time . I imagine C will start to experience a similar tradition soon : ) James had his other playgroup this a . m . Carl and I had planned on bringing James and Josiah to that . Unfortunately , Josiah didn 't cooperate with feeding this a . m . So , at the last minute , Carl & James left for playgroup alone . I stayed home with Josiah . I 'm still not sure why he was refusing to nurse . He had nursed on one side earlier ; the second side , he didn 't want any part of . I finally made a bottle which he quickly consumed . He then fell fast asleep . He slept for 4 hours . When he awoke , all was fine again . He has fed well for the rest of the day and evening . Tomorrow , D comes to work with Josiah . James will be enrolled in preschool , for next year . Then , we are attending a family night at Jesse 's school . Friday , we have no plans . I hope to keep it that way . . . . it 'll be a much appreciated break . Josiah 's PT appointment , yesterday , was another success . He met D with huge smiles . He was happy to demonstrate his tricks for her , again . He recognizes certain things as being ' work ' , thus is more apt to complain during the session . He is making huge strides every week . We need to continue to work on his head control . His arms / legs are making significant improvements each week . It 's fun to watch him accomplish new goals . Josiah had his cardiology appointment this morning . As planned , I woke him early to nurse him . Then , I offered him a bottle of high - calorie formula . He drank 2 oz before it was time to leave . He slept on the way to the MD . He was in a good mood upon arrival . After the usual check in and EKG , they brought the scale in . 11lbs 2oz . I had estimated an ' ideal ' weight of 11lbs 4 . 5oz for this a . m . We were only 2 . 5oz off . . . . I 'm elated ! It was so much better than I feared . The cardiologist is wonderful and he is thrilled with Josiah 's progress . Josiah 's heart is no longer a concern . Josiah doesn 't need to be seen again for six months . The appointments are backing off . . . . a sure sign of improvement . We are so thankful . Meanwhile , today is day 4 of my new no - smoking campaign . I 'm shocked by how easy this has been . I 've known , for a long time , that I was ready to quit . I knew " cutting down " would never work for me . I knew it would be an " all or nothing " approach . This has played out well . I have no physical cravings . I have 2 or 3 " psychological / behavioral " cravings per day . They only last mere moments ; I am able to easily redirect myself . After 27 yrs of smoking , believing it was going to be this easy would have seemed delusional . I am so thankful for the reality . Tomorrow , we will join a new group of friends ( all of whom are blessed with a child with DS ) , for an Easter Egg hunt & lunch . The siblings are all coming too . I 'm really looking forward to meeting our new friends . Sunday , family is coming here to celebrate Easter . I remain in awe of the miracles that have blessed my family . I remain thankful . . . . . to so many . . . . . for so much < 3 So , it occurred to me that Josiah will be weighed in the morning . This is routine during his cardiology visits . I tossed him on the scale today . . . . 10lbs 11 . 5oz . Are you serious ? I feel like the last two weeks has been a series of experiments gone wrong lol . I had stopped supplementing ; that came back to bite me in the butt . I 'd gotten lazy about pumping ; I need to make an extra effort now . I 've been letting Josiah sleep at night ( generally 9pm until 7am ) ; I will resume the midnight wake - up / feedings . Given that he weighed 10lbs 6 . 5oz 2 wks ago , he should " ideally " weigh 11lbs 4 . 5oz tomorrow morning . UGH ! ! ! This continues to be a huge frustration for me . I cannot wait until we 're at the point where we can relax for a minute without the fear of the " weight thing . " So , I 'll give him a few extra bottles tonight , in the a . m . , and hope for the best . I 'll fix the aforementioned things , in the meanwhile . Tomorrow 's cardiology appointment should be a breeze . Josiah is doing great post - surgery ! We anticipate no problems or surprises . We just need to fix the weight issue before we see the pediatrician again : > My decision , yesterday , to quit smoking had not come without consideration and contemplation . It was years of thought thrust into a split - second decision . I gave myself the rest of Monday to smoke . It was understood , I would not smoke today . And so it has happened . I had my last cigarette at 12 : 30am , just before retiring for the night . I haven 't had one since . It 's been 21 . 5 hours , and counting . So far , so good . Yesterday , Jesse had school as usual . James had fun with EI . K 's arrival was met with squeals of delight . Today , the children returned to playgroup ; it meets in the afternoon now , so even Jesse can join in . They all enjoyed that which has become so familiar . Tomorrow , James starts a new EI group . Josiah will tag along , as the baby brother . I 'm looking forward to seeing how he reacts to a new group . K will return in the afternoon to work with Josiah - something I really look forward to . Jesse and Daddy have an outing tomorrow night . On Thursday , Josiah will work with D . Friday , he has his next cardiology appointment . I 'm trying to keep track of Josiah 's weight , from home . I finally set up the new baby scale . I weighed him on Sunday . 10lbs 10oz . He had weighed 10lbs 6 . 5oz , 9 days previously . Ideally , he would have weighed 10lbs 15oz . We 're about 5oz off . I had stopped fortifying his bottles ; I immediately resumed the fortification process . Yesterday , I weighed him but it was later in the day . . . 11lbs even . He had just eaten . I just realized that he 'll be weighed on Friday ( at the cardiologist ) , so I 'll try to make sure his weight is " up there " before we go lol . So , all in all - no big deal . Ongoing weight checks , EI , PT , playgroups , preschool , cardiology , and quit smoking . No problem ! : ) My oldest brother , Scott , died in September of an accidental drug overdose . Addiction had plagued him for years / decades . I never understood why it had such a hold on him . His personality seemed to predispose him to such things . Alcohol was my brother 's drug of choice . It was the constant . He dappled in cocaine , etc , but ' booze ' provided the daily grounding he seemed so desperate for . Being ten years older than me , I honestly don 't remember Scott ' before booze . ' He was drinking by the time he was 15 ; I was 5 . As the years passed , I started seeing the negative impact it was having on his life . He was an abusive ' drunk . ' He didn 't work ( to speak of ) . He used , and abused , my parents . He abused his wife . He lost the few things he had managed to acquire in his alcohol - controlled life . He burnt all bridges . My brother , with his sparkling eyes , ended up alone and homeless . He was in and out of rehab on countless occasions but he always returned to his life on the streets . That is where he died . On the streets , he finally found peace . I think back to our talks . We were close . I used to say we were " twins born ten years apart . " I could sense things about Scott , even when he lived hundreds of miles away . I could sense trouble . I knew when things were going to go wrong . I tried everything I could to help him ( as did most of his family and friends ) . We talked , frankly , about addiction . By the end , I was angry about his addiction . I was angry that he continued to choose to use . I knew this thing would take my oldest brother away from me . Last summer ( 2010 ) , I told my husband , and sister , " Scott will be dead in a year . " I can 't explain why , but I knew . I knew he would be dead in a year . Less than 14 months later , we buried him . I gave Scott a lot of strife , over the years , about his drinking . All the while , I smoked cigarettes ( and still do ) . It somehow seemed different . He was mean when he drank . I don 't get mean when I smoke . I guess that 's why it never seemed to be a contradiction for me . As I think about it now , I was fighting to save his life . It wasn 't about him simply drinking ; it wasn 't about being mean when he drank . It was about wanting him to stay alive . Now it 's my turn . I won 't be a hypocrite . I started smoking when I was 14 . I 've smoked almost twice as long . I need to let go of my addiction to cigarettes . I wanted Scott to be a part of our family ( in the last few years , he was restricted due to his unpredictable / volatile behavior ) . I , too , want to be a part of my own family . . . . . for many years to come . I don 't want something as stupid as cigarettes to take me away from the people I love the most . Therefore , today is my last day with this vice . When I wake up tomorrow , it will be without the need to utilize something which could ultimately kill me . My brother 's addiction killed him . I will do everything in my power to make sure I learn from the lesson of watching him . I will not allow my parents to bury me over nonsense . Tomorrow , and each day after that , I will be smoke - free . I made the decision to start creating / selling merchandise to raise awareness for Down Syndrome . Bumper stickers & Magnets are available immediately . They are $ 10 and $ 5 , respectively . Shipping is free . I 'm just now getting it off the ground , so please bear with me . LOTS of great stuff will be added soon . In the meanwhile , please check out my ebay storefront & show your support < 3 D came out on Thursday to work with Josiah on PT . He continues to impress . I woke him at 7am , fed him , changed him , and prepared the floor for their session . D 's prompt arrival was met with smiles and vocalizations . Josiah did very well with his side - lying this week . He reached for toys , grasping them with his little hands . He made a lot of eye contact with D , me ( every time I accidentally came into view ) , and Jesse ( who was getting ready for school ) . He demonstrated great tummy time , working hard to gain muscle control in his neck . He still gets very frustrated while on his tummy . He wants to do it all ; he becomes frustrated when his little body doesn 't cooperate . When on his belly , he particularly enjoys his head being turned to the right . He gets angry when D tries turning it to the left . It is while his head is turned to the left that he demonstrates his determination . He lifts his head , if ever so slightly , and uses his left hand to turn his head back to the right lol . About 30 minutes into the session , he neared " meltdown - mode . " He was frustrated from working so hard . Luckily , we engaged him with a favorite toy and he was able to settle down quickly . He cooperatively worked for another 30 minutes . It was a great session ; we were thrilled . During the earlier part of the week , I believed that Josiah had said " Mama " twice . I also knew my own hopes could be swaying my perception . Thursday morning , he proved that my perception was accurate . While working with D , I crossed the room ; He quickly spotted me . He looked at me and , very deliberately , said " Mama . " I was thrilled to hear that word . It was one of those " heart melting " moments . Josiah continues to nurse well . I was becoming frustrated , again , regarding the need for supplementation . Yet , I know that the we cannot lose ground with the weight - gain battle , we fought so hard to win . I stopped fortifying Josiah 's bottles the other day . I want to see how well he does without the extra calories . He continues to get bottles of breast milk or formula , they are just not " fortified . " Meanwhile , I continue my quest to increase my own supply of milk . Yesterday , I had a mere flash of a memory regarding oatmeal . While attempting to nurse Jesse , five years ago , I read that oatmeal could assist in increasing milk supply . How had I forgotten that ? One quick search in a newly purchased book confirmed the memory . So , last night , I made oatmeal cookies . Carl & I enjoyed quite a few of them , right out of the oven . Perhaps , it 's just wishful thinking ; Perhaps , it 's a self - fulfilling prophesy . All I know is that my supply showed improvement today . I just made oatmeal muffins . If it works , don 't fix it ; Right ? I bought a baby scale ; it arrived yesterday . I will set it up on Sunday , and see where we stand . I hope ceasing the fortifying doesn 't come back to bite me ( or Josiah ) in the butt . I don 't think it will . I think he 's gained weight ; he feels like he gained weight . I 'll have a better sense tomorrow . Fingers are crossed : ) The alarm went off at 4am , Monday morning . It was early . We were tired but ready to start our day . Luckily , the big boys were sleeping at . . . Have you ever looked at the palm of your hand ? Did you ever give any thought to it ? Most people have three strong lines ( called palmar fl . . .
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Introduction : She arranges her own rape . This story is about a wife chooses to live out her sexual fantasy for anonymous forced sex , without her husband 's knowledge . If you dislike this type of story , or someone who likes to make anonymous disparaging comments , do skip this story . I appreciate private messages that provide constructive feedback and / or ideas . . . NOTES : For the purposes of this story , Geosexing defined as a variant of geocaching , in which men and women use Global Positioning System ( GPS ) to designate or seek out locations in which to have sex with a consenting individual . This in no way is an attempt to redefine , interfere with anyone else 's use of these terms or web sites … I 'm Becky , this story begins 11 years also , when at the age of sixteen my parents left for a three day weekend of fun in the sun while I stayed home alone . The first night , I was knocked out by intruders . When I awakened , I found my arms and legs tied to the bed posts of my parent 's bed . I was repeatedly raped by two men over a period of three days . It started off as rape , both men taking pleasure from the sexual gratification they got from raping . By the end of the first day , I was resigned to my fate , and became passive . Second day , I was becoming a willing participant , though I conceal it . Third day , my body was betraying me , as I heard then approaching the bedroom , my pussy was wet in anticipation of the rapes that would follow . I still tried to conceal my arousal , but I 'm sure they knew … . As soon as I knew I was pregnant , I gave in to my boyfriend 's desire to take my virginity . Nine months after being rapped , I gave birth to a bouncing baby girl . Luckily , my daughter looks like me . I married my boyfriend shortly after ' our ' daughter 's birth . To this day , my husband and family know nothing about ' rape ' weekend . I 'm 27 now , still married , and ' our ' daughter is doing great . My husband and I have good , but not great sex . Though I 'm sure he 'd say that he 's a great lover . One of the things we enjoy as a family is Geocaching . One night while searching the internet for caches in our area , I came across Geosexing site . Curiously got the better of me and I opened the website . After reading the ' home ' page , I felt my pussy tingle and moisten . I quickly shut it down the web page , concerned my husband would catch me . Several days later , when I was home alone , I returned to the Geosexing web site , and checked out the forum section , personal ads , and several member profiles . People posted that they were looking for everything from straight sex , to kinky sex , to really strange stuff , and about everything in between . To each his own … . For years I tried to block out what I call ' rape weekend ' , but I couldn 't . I came to realize there was an excitement I felt from being raped , and it was excitement that was missing during love making with my husband . Recently I begin fantasizing , wishing there was a way to relive the thrill , excitement , fantastic orgasms I experienced during that weekend , without fear of being hurt or worse . I wondered if I could make my fantasy a reality by just creating a profile and posting it , could it be that simple … . I debated the pros and cons of this with myself for almost a month before deciding to take the next step , create and post a profile . I was going on a business trip next week and would have some alone time to create my profile and take some nude pictures of myself . I 'd keep my profile simple and see if anyone responded , then decide what to do next , though I already knew the answer . A week later , alone in my hotel room , I logged into the Geosexing site , created a user a name , password , and began filling out my profile . Under category I put Role - Playing . The text I entered in the About Me section read : " This 27 yo woman wants to be bound and raped by a strong , well hung , horny guy . . I 'm , 5 ' 4 " tall , attractive , with curves in all the right places ( 36C - 24 - 36 ) , long light brown hair , trimmed bush , firm body , with deep green eyes . " I 'm just looking for sex and not looking for a friend or long term relationship . If you like my pictures and want to be my playmate , Private Message me to learn more , and include a picture of yourself . " Next I added 2 cropped pictures , which only showed my body from the neck down . The pictures showed just what I wanted them to , my ample breasts , firm abs , great butt , and just a hint of the treasure between my legs that could be all theirs for the taking . Satisfied , I clicked ' Save ' . I logged in next day wondering if I 'd find a response or two . Instead I was blown away by the over whelming response , I stopped counting after 50 . I needed a plan , so I decided to delete all responses that didn 't include a picture . Then filtered by body type , looks , and cock size , and I still had a lot left . Over the next few days I must have read through a 60 plus private messages , deleting off any that even hinted at a long term friendship , or relationship , or were too kinky , or anything else that didn 't strike my fancy . Finally , I had it whittled it down to 12 responses . Over the next two weeks , I exchanged private messages , getting more information about the guys on my short list . No names were ever exchanged , just pictures and text . Finally I narrowed it down to 4 guys that I wanted to play with . Becky kissed her daughter and husband good bye , grabbed her bags and headed out the door . To her husband , Ed , this appeared like she was leaving on just another routine business trip . Only instead of heading out of town on business , Becky drove straight to her office 14 miles away . Becky intended to make this just like any other day at the office , but the morning dragged . At last , lunch time , Becky told her staff that she had an errand to run , and might be gone a little over an hour . She quickly made her way to the parking garage and her car . In no time was driving North on the highway . Two weeks ago she 'd searched the internet and found a motel that rented cottages , the ad indicated each cottage had a king size bed , table , TV , small kitchenette , and bathroom . It sounded like all the comforts of home , on a smaller scale . And since this motel had been bye passed by the new highway three years ago , there wasn 't a lot of traffic to worry about , so there was less chance of being seen . The cottage was clean and exactly as the ad described it . Each cottage was separated from the other by at 50 feet or more , perfect for what she had in mind . Satisfied , she left her bags in the cottage and drove back to the office . The afternoon flew by . Becky was more relaxed , and was busy at work . Everything was going according to plan . The Plan …… She glanced at her watch , it was just after 4pm , and she hadn 't emailed " D " , her wood be rapist , the coordinates . Becky quickly bought up and logged in to the Geosexing site , and sent a private message reading : " D , Your treasure awaits and can be found at the GPS coordinates contained in the attached file . I 'll be expecting you today between 8 and 9 pm . Additional clues are : 13 , Do Not Disturb , and ' D ' . B " Becky attached the file , and clicked the send key . Then logged out of the Geosexing site and returned to her work . * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Doug opened " B 's " private message , and the attached file , smiling as he read it . He loaded the coordinates into his GPS receiver . As he was leaving , Doug grabbed a spare set of batteries , just in case . Doug wanted the element of surprise on his side , so planned to arrive at the coordinates early , check out the area , and plan his next move . * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 5pm arrived none to soon for Becky , finally time to shut down her work laptop , grab her purse , and head off to be raped . She smiled as she walked out of the office building , the sun was beginning to set , darkness would soon cover the land . It was a beautiful fall evening , cool but not cold , and it would be a clear moonless night . . A perfect evening . 40 minutes later after leaving the office , Becky unlocked and opened the door , and walked into cottage 13 , before closing the door , she placed the Do Not Disturb sign on the outside door handle with a ' D ' written in red lipstick on it , additional confirmation for him that he 'd found the right location . She thought about locking the door , than decided not to . She checked her watch , 5 : 40 , more than enough time to eat the takeout food she picked up on the way to the cottage , shower , and get dressed before " D " arrived . After dinner , Becky stripped and headed to the bathroom for a nice long hot shower . Following the shower she dried herself off and trimmed her soft , full , bush , as her husband called it . . * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * The GPS coordinates provided by " B " lead Doug to a motel just off the highway , the general location was easier and took less time than to find then he expected . He drove down the road a short distance and parked . By this time he had the cover of darkness to conceal his movements . The GPS receiver guided him directly to Cottage 13 . The Do Not Disturb sign , with a " D " written on it helped to confirm he was at the right location . Doug walked around the cottage , looking for a backdoor . As he approached the back of the cottage , he noticed a partially open bathroom window . He could hear the sound of running water and saw the window shade was slightly open , he approached the window and found that he had a pretty clear view into the bathroom . " B " was just turning off the water and stepping out of the shower . He watched her every movement and thought to himself that her pictures didn 't begin to capture her beauty . He continued to watch as she dried her hair , trimmed her bush , knowing she was getting ready for him . Suddenly , she grabbed a towel , wrapped it around herself , and walked toward the front of the cottage . * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Becky felt her body tense up when thought she heard a noise from the front of the cottage . She wrapped a towel around herself , and walked to the front window . * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Doug quietly made the way to the front of the cottage , got there just in time to see the front window curtain close . He heard people taking and then relaxed when he realized it was the TV . Doug positioned himself at the front door , quickly , silently ; he opened the door and slipped into the room , closing the door behind him . Knowing the talk show host 's voice would drown out the little noise he might make . Doug swiftly moved in behind " B " as she walked towards the bathroom . He grabbed her arms , pinning them to her side . Becky froze in an instant , caught and totally unaware of " D 's " presence . She glanced over her shoulder , and immediately recognized " D 's " face from the picture he 'd sent . Although it was difficult containing the excitement building inside of her , she gained control of her senses and quickly assumed the role of victim . " What do you think you 're doing ! ! Let go of me ! ! ! " She shouted . . As she twisted her body , trying to get free of his grip . Her movements caused the towel to come loose . He relaxed his grip just enough for the towel to fall to the floor . Doug spun her and picked her up as if she were a baby , cradling her naked body in his powerful arms . But that didn 't stop her from trying to get a way , she twisted and struggled against his grip , all the while kicking her legs in the air for all she was worth . And yelling at him to let her go …… Doug continued to hold her captive in his strong arms . Becky was exactly where she wanted to be . Doug carried her to the king size bed where he unceremoniously dropped her on it . Becky wiggled , trying to opposite slide of the other side of the bed , but Doug got hold on one of her arms , then the other , stopping her get - a - way . Doug jumped on the bed , straddling her with his body , using his legs to lock her naked body in place . Once he was sure Becky couldn 't move from under him , he let go of her arms so that he could reach for the rope like material in his back pocket . Becky pounded on Doug 's chest to no avail , although she pounded hard , her fists just bounced off his muscular chest . All the while she was yelling " Please don 't do this to me , I have some money and jewelry , take it and leave , I won 't tell anyone . " Doug never heard the safe word , so continued . Doug pulled out four lengths of bondage rope from his back pocket , the rope was super - soft Japanese Silk Rope that was more than strong enough to tie her securely to the bed . He just sort of smiled as he took hold of her right arm and tied it to a bed post , and then tied her left arm to the opposite bedpost . Becky continued to kick , fighting with her legs , but Doug easily overpowered her , pried legs apart , and bound both of her legs to bedposts in no time . This wasn 't the first time Doug had taken part in sexual role - play games , but it was the first time he 'd ever tied up a woman , so he took a moment to sit back and enjoy his handy work and of course the view of his captive prey . Naked and tied spread eagle on the bed , Becky could do nothing but watch and enjoy the sight of Doug , as he stripped off his clothes , getting himself ready to rape her . Becky wondered if he had any idea just how turned on she was . Knowing he 'd find out the instant he touched her pussy . " I don 't want to hurt you , but I will … . I 'm just gonna have a little fun with that great looking body of yours tonight . You 're either going to cooperate and enjoy this , or get hurt . But one way or the other , I 'm going to rape you ! " Doug said , trying to play his role . Doug got in between Becky 's legs , and leaned forward to suck on her breasts . Becky nipples were already aroused . He took a nipple into his mouth and began to nibble on it . Then moved to her other nipple , and nibbled on it . " These tits are nice . I bet you 've been saving them for guy me to take , haven 't you ? " Becky let out another muffled scream , and squirmed around as much as she could . Doug looked into her eyes and smiled , " Your body is mine for tonight , so be a good girl " . Becky starting twisting herself even more , exactly what Doug was expecting her to do . He began working his way down to her pussy , nibbling , pinching her , and tickling her as he moved down her body . Becky tried in vain to bring her knees together in an effort to stop Doug from reaching her pussy . As his face got closer to her pussy , Doug picked up her scent ; her pussy was wet and ready . Doug felt a burst of Becky 's pleasure as soon as he slid his wet tongue across her clit . Doug 's tongue continued its assault on her clit until he felt her climax . He bought himself up to a kneeling position and watched as her intense orgasm took control of her . It seemed like wave after orgasmic wave was going through her , and minutes for them to subside This was exactly the level of excitement Becky had hoped for . Wait , what 's he doing ? Doug got of the bed and began rummaging through her things . He found a silk bag , with draw strings , under her night clothes . He turned , faced Becky and smiled as he pulled out a hot pink rabbit vibrator . Doug saw the toy as part of foreplay . Becky was humiliated that he found it . Becky kept the vibrator hidden from her husband . It was for special intimate and very private moments with herself . Mostly used during business trips , and occasionally at home when Ed 's love making didn 't quite satisfy her needs . With the rabbit vibrator in hand , Doug returned to the bed and once again he positioned himself between Becky 's legs . He looked at her mound , her pussy lips glistened from the juices that were flowing . He wasn 't there to make this enjoyable for Becky , he was there to rape her , take her . Without any more foreplay , he turned the vibrator 's switch , found a setting he liked , and shoved in Becky cunt . Becky softly grunted as the vibrator was shoved in her , with as wet as she was , no lubrication was needed , it just slid in . And once the rabbit found her clit , she involuntarily climaxed . Doug pulled the vibrator out of her pussy , just as Becky was getting close to another orgasm . He wanted to make her wait . Her eyes almost pleaded with him to continue . . Instead Doug turned the switch off , " Enough of this toy , looks like you 're ready to be raped by a real dick ! " " First I 'm getting me some head , so I 'll remove your gag . If you scream or bite , you 'll suffer the consequences . " Doug told her , as he removed the gag . Doug shoved his dick in her mouth without waiting for a response . He began pumping , fucking her mouth . In her emails , Becky has said she wouldn 't suck cock , clearly Doug was ignoring that . She wanted to be raped , continue the role - playing , but that didn 't mean giving up , after all she was the victim . So she bit his penis … . . Not hard enough to do damage , but enough to say that he broke their agreement and she wasn 't going to simply lay there and let this happen . . Doug immediately withdrew his cock , and slapped her across the face with his cock . Becky started yelling , " Stop ! What the fuck do you think you 're doing , get off of me , free me now , and I won 't call the police ! " Still not hearing the safe word , Doug stuffed her panties in back her mouth , and secured them in place with the rope . Doug realized he 's gotten carried away and broken their agreement , but still decided to punish her for biting him . He moved down the bed , and untied the ropes binding her legs to the bedposts . Becky started kicking and squirming again . Doug grabbed hold of both legs and forced them up and towards her head . Doing so raised Becky 's butt off the bed , leaving her pussy pointed towards the ceiling and her butt fully exposed . Using his left arm to hold Becky 's legs in place , Doug 's right hand was free to spank Becky 's bare bottom . Doug could hear her protests as he spanked her , maybe a little too hard , ' cause he saw tears rolling down her cheeks . Just a few more slaps , gentler this time , and he stopped . " Are you going to be good now ? " Doug said . Becky nodded yes . Without releasing her legs , Doug positioned himself and aligned his cock with the entrance of Becky 's pussy . He took hold of each of her legs and spread them , leaving her pussy wide open and vulnerable . Then in one thrust , he was in . Becky let out a muffled my yelp . Doug started thrusting , getting a little deeper with each thrust . Becky couldn 't help but moan as his cock violated her pussy . It didn 't take long for him to be balls deep in her , his balls slapping into her with each thrust . Becky had no idea how long he fucked her , or how many orgasms she 'd had , but finally came down from her high long enough to feel his body stiffen , his cock throbbing inside her as he came . Instinctively Becky 's pussy clamped around his cock and squeezed his cum from him , filling the condom to its breaking point . Becky 's climax was the most intense she 'd ever had . Doug reached down and grabbed both her ass cheeks and gave one last deep thrust . With her legs free , Becky wrapped them around Doug , holding him firmly , until their orgasms subsided . Doug said , " You were GREAT ! I 'm going to remove your gag and untie your arms now . " Becky was worn out , satisfied , and needed some time to recover . Doug laid down next to her . She fell asleep , cuddled in his strong arms . Somewhere in the night , Doug got up , got dressed , and slipped out of the cottage as silently as he had entered . Read 5652 times |
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Home furry Fellatio February 23 , 2014 | Author sexstory DISCLAIMER : / / My boyfriend and I started writing these stories for each other a while ago . He challenged me in the beginning to write the most kinky story I could think of . You 'll see what came of it . He 's also posting his stories on his account . I 'll update this with what it is soon enough . Another time , another place . You can feel that it 's cool in this room , but you cannot see a thing . All you can do is use your other senses to figure out your current location . You can smell the heady scent of vanilla and lavender close by , but you can 't tell from what . You 're tied up naturally . Though this time I 've been more thoughtful and wrapped the cuffs with rags so they don 't chaff so bad . You feel a soft breeze caressing your skin . It 's warmer than the room is and causes goosebumps to rise over your skin . The scent of vanilla and lavender grows stronger . You can hear the soft padding of footsteps across the soft - ish floor . If you shift enough , you 'll notice that they 're tatami ( rice mats ) . They 're perfect for cushioning your kitty knees . Your ears twitch , trying to find the sound again , but it doesn 't sound again . The scent is extremely strong though . You keep looking around , sightless , your ears twitching . " Rachel ? " you mewl . " Are you there ? " Something touches your ear . Something warm and soft . A finger ? Yes , a finger . My finger ? Perhaps . " Rachel ? " you implore again . Both of your ears were tweaked now , perhaps as an answer . You strain against you restraints . " Please ! Tell me if that 's you . " Something shifts in front of you and you can feel the air move downward . You feel fingertips on your nose , trailing down to your lips and over your chin . Soft lips touch your cheek as the fingers continue to trail even farther downward . You notice then that you are naked once more . Your cock twitches . " Rachel , " you mewl again , straining against your bonds . You want to make sure it 's me . You want to remove the blindfold so bad . Too bad you can 't . Lips keep kissing , nipping softly on your skin , moving toward your lips . Ten digits slide over your fuzzy chest , tracing patterns through the black fur . The lips skip yours and move up the other side of your face . You can feel your cock rising as the fingertips get closer and closer to it . You groan at a particularly sharp nip to yoYou feel the female 's presence close up again . The scent fills your nostrils again as she leans close . Her hair brushes softly against the juncture between your neck and shoulder . You shiver . Your sense of touch is amplified since one of the other ones is blocked . You feel her breath against your ear , hot and sweet . It 's like she 's tempted to say something , but decides not to , instead touching your shoulders gently and pressing her lips to your jaw . She kisses downward this time , licking the muscles of your neck with a thick , hot tongue . She finds your collar bone and you can 't really remember why you were mad now . Everything in your mind goes hazy except for one feeling : lust . You want this woman , even if you don 't know who she is . She 's driving you insane . Your insanity is of course making this even harder to go through . You fight your bonds more . It 's obvious that you want out . She just giggles softly . Her maddening fingers slip lower , teasing the line of your hip bones . Your cock starts to strain and twitch . Why won 't she touch you ? Why won 't she kiss you ! ? You 're beyond frustrated and keep letting out noises that indicate this . A grunt , a hiss followed by a pleading whimper . " Woman , please … " you say softly . Your collar is starting to really kick in now . You 're beginning to turn more uke . The woman doesn 't like this . She stops what she 's doing and reaches up to take your collar off . You let out a loud hiss as the change happens and you 're returned to your human form . The lips find your chin , nipping and sucking for a moment as the hands , soft and silky against your skin , return to your hips . The bell jingled softly as it fell to the floor . You gasp softly as she kisses down your chest . She rubs her hands down your thighs . You suddenly realize the size of her hands match mine . Rage boils inside of you . " It is you ! You little - " You cut yourself off with a loud gasp . The woman 's mouth has closed around your cock . She didn 't even try to play with it first , she just wenYou hear rustling on the mat in front of you . " So you figured out it was me for real ? " you hear my voice ask . " I figured you would after I sucked your cock a little bit . " I reach up and touch the blindfold , as if tempted to take it off , but I leave it where it is . Instead , my hands run down your body . I touch your shoulders and sides before slipping around and groping your taught ass . " I 'm tempted to try other things … " My hands slide lower and into your crack . You shiver as they get lower and lower . Finally , I touch the tight bud of your asshole . Your breathing hitches , but otherwise you don 't react . " Would you like me to play with your asshole ? " I ask softly . You don 't answer me . I kiss the corner of your lips as I continue to touch and gently prod at it . " No answer means yes , " I murmur , taking your lips with mine in passion and heat as my finger pushes against your hole . It doesn 't give though . So , I finish my kiss , licking your lips when I 'm thoroughly done with you . I pull completely away from you and you hear something squish . You don 't know what it is , but you feel my hand , slick with something , rubbing your hole again . I 'm kneeling in between your legs , you can feel mine brush yours softly as I shimmy closer . With one hand , I rub your thigh . The other , has found its way back behind your balls from underneath this time . This lubrication makes it easier to push inside . You groan . " What are you using ? " you ask , your voice thick with lust . " To make it easier ? " Your sphincter clenches tightly around my finger as your hips buck . " Very sexy , " you gasp . You let your head loll back on your shoulders as I continue to push my finger inside . I pump it slowly a few times before easing it back to the opening . A second finger joins it , pushing slowly inside . I ease my fingers up inside of you until they reach their hilt . They wiggle around a little bit , as if looking for something . They find your prostate and your hips buck . A soft whimpering moan escapes your lips . " Perfect , " I purr , leaning down to kiss your cock . You moan again as I slide you into my mouth . My free hand moves to encircle the base of your cock . I can already feel you thickening up as I suck , stroke and massage . I 've apparently found one of the ultimate guy - pleasers . You buck against the chains , grunting and thrusting into my mouth . I let you , for now at least . All you can do is feel pure sensation . You can 't see anything , but you can hear and feel every little thing that I 'm doing to you . Slowly , in little wafts , my scent joins the smell of vanilla and lavender . " Engh ! God ! Rachel , let me fuck you , " you gasp , struggling even more now . " Please let me fuck you ! " I stop what I 'm doing for a moment and look up at you . I let my hand fall away from your penis , leaving my fingers plunged deep into your asshole . They keep wiggling as I reach up and remove the blindfold . " No , you can 't fuck me . But I will let you watch . " Your eyes blink open and I slip your glasses onto your face , adjusting them so they sit right . You can see my bare back since I 'm leaning down so far . I 'm naked , of course . You aren 't really paying much attention to my back though as I lean back down to suck your cock . You watch with rapt attention , I notice as I look up every so often . Eventually , I 'm staring up at you , waiting to see you orgasm . Your face starts to scrunch up as your breathing gets more choppy . Your breath hitches in your throat as your mouth opens up . You struggle to keep looking at me , but you find you can 't . I feel your cock bulge and I pull my face away quickly . My fingers wiggle wildly against your prostate as the first jet of cum erupts from your member . I let out a gasp as the first jet hits my face . Another string comes and lands on my chest . I open my mouth as you look down again and aim your cock toward my mouth as it bursts again . All of this seems to be occurring in slow motion . I moan for you , not relenting on my milking of your cock and your prostate . By the time you 're completely empty , I 'm covered in your hot seed . I fall back on my ass , withdrawing from you completely . I feel naughty and bad for what I did to you . My hand touches my face , touches your cum . I bite my lip and look up ate you . I 've already swallowed what managed to make it into my mouth . I lay back on the rice mats below us . You 're watching me , knowing exactly what I 'm going to do . I scoot back a little bit so you can see me better . I love that look of complete attention you 're giving me . My fingertips move from my face down my body , drawing patterns in the cum covering me . My nipples are standing up proudly and I tweak them a few times before groping myself . I let out a sighing moaAfter a while of teasing myself , I 'm rubbing furiously at my clit as my other hand finds itself finger deep inside my pussy . I 've squeezed two inside , imaging it 's really your cock , which is beginning to stand at attention in front of me again . I bite my lip , refusing to let a moan escape , but it does anyway . My breathing is uneven and shallow . You can see the expression that I usually get just before I orgasm . Frustration , desperation … I stare up at you , continuing to rub and fuck myself . " Eric , " I breathe , my breath hitching in my throat on the last syllable . " I love you . " Then my orgasm crashes over me . Covered in cum , still twitching from my own orgasm , I stand up and stand in front of you . Leaning down to your level . I kiss you softly . " Thank you lover . Time to wake up . " The smell was going to attract someone . I 'd pretty much figured that out already - hiding in some alley was only going to work for so long , the way I was panting and dripping . I was glad I pretty much never wore panties anymore , but I 'd already dropped one ben - wa ball and I could feel the other one slipping . I rolled my head back against the wall , my ears pricked , every feline sense working to detect company . My hands kneaded at the bricks as I tried to fight the waves of my withdrawing orgasm , feeling the heavy metal ball slipping lower and lower . I caught a whiff of smoke , heard the scuff of boots on the asphalt . I stayed calm , quiet , still catching my breath . I have perfect vision in the dark , so I kept my eyes squinted as I looked towards the mouth of the alley . A large goat wearing nothing but a pair of torn jeans was coming my way . The black and gray fur around his throat and chest was messy and fluffed . I knew enough about goats to recognize that meant he was in rut . Almost instantly , I felt the heat in my loins rev up again . I lost the grip on my ben - wa ball and just as the goat was approaching me , it slipped free . I was too slow to catch it . The metallic ping - ping was enough to make him pause , and as the ball rolled into the light at his boots , he took a long draw from his cigarette and looked down at it . I knew he could smell me , and that he knew where I was standing . No point in hiding out . Rolling the other ball in my hand , I danced out into the alley way , flashing him a sure grin as I bent at the waist to retrieve its partner . He blew out a long cloud of smoke once I rose . The clinking of the metal balls in my paw was the only sound for awhile . The smell of his cigarette was sweet , not like a regular smoke or even a cigar . It actually reminded me a little of candy . A too - long smile snaked back along his muzzle . I couldn 't tell in the dim light , but his horns looked deep red , and his eyes didn 't seem to have any color at all . Looking into them , I suddenly felt afraid , which is very unusual for me . I hook up with strangers on an almost - daily basis , and I know how to take care of myself . " They call me the Beast , " he said . His voice was very low , rumbling , a predator 's voice . It sent unwarranted chills down my spine . He took another drawn - out drag of his cigarette before flicking it off to the side , letting the smoke escape in tendrils from the corners of his mouth . There was definitely a hint of cherry to the smoke . " Mmm , " I said , " Wonder why they call you that ? " I couldn 't help myself . The ben - wa balls were just a warm - up , and now I was ready for the real thing . The scent of my musk from the balls in my paw combined with the goat 's own strange flavor was intoxicating . Suddenly , I was up against the cool brick wall again . The Beast 's larger form over me got my heart jumping in my chest again . I admit , I was excited with the risky location as much as the goat 's fervor . His mouth tasted like cigarettes and chocolate , and his long , flat tongue forced its way into my mouth in a way I might expect from a larger predator . I felt his blunt fingers on my thigh ; he 'd already pushed my skirt up , and was grabbing my ass , pulling me against him . Through the thick denim of his jeans , I could feel the hint of his organ . It wasn 't even hard yet , but I could tell it was big . I caught a breath of air when he pulled back , licking his black lips . I noticed that the Beast had fangs - a goat with fangs - so he was probably not all goat . It explained a bit - I may be a cat , but even I am usually larger than a goat . The Beast towered over me by at least a good foot . " You like danger , " he said . It wasn 't a question . " That 's good . I am very dangerous . " Suddenly , he spun me around . I pressed my cheek against the brick , my eyes closing as he shoved my skirt up around my hips . My tail flagged , but he grabbed it , moving it aside . I knew he was looking at the leather cuff around my tailbase , and sure enough , a second later his hand came down on my rump with a sound slap . I gasped , instinctively spreading my legs further and bracing myself against the wall . My rear lifted on its own , silently asking for more . I was not disappointed . I can 't explain why I enjoy being spanked . I certainly don 't always enjoy being talked down to , and I am nobody 's pet or slave . The feeling of a well - placed palm on my ass sends jolts of pleasure right where I need it , and that doesn 't really need explaining . It just feels fucking good . The Beast knew just how to slap me , too . Fingers together , slight cup to his hand , on the bottom of my ass cheeks . He squeezed just before moving his hand away . My gasps were becoming more vocal as the vibrations traveled to the sweet spot between my legs and I was sure that there was a puddle beneath me by then . When the Beast was finished with that , I felt him squeezing my rear with his large hands . The flesh beneath his fingers was hot and throbbing . I moaned unabashedly . It was taking all the strength I had to keep my hands splayed on the wall on either side of my head - I wanted so badly to dip my fingers into my slit , to quench the fire that was burning there . I told myself to be patient . Fortunately , I didn 't have to wait long . I felt the rough tips of his fingers slide up between my sopping lips , rubbing , but not penetrating . A groan escaped my clenched teeth as I arched my rump higher still , my back aching . " You 're so fuckin ' wet , " I heard him whisper , just before his fingers moved away . I bit my lip to stifle a plaintive cry , my entire body thrumming like a taut chord . I heard him strike a match , smelled the sharp sulfur , and I knew he was smoking again . The sweet smell of his flavored cigarette wafted over my shoulders as he leaned against me , his almost hoof - like fingertips pulling my camisole up , over my breasts . I wasn 't wearing a bra , either , and my breasts filled his large hands . I heard him take a drag of his cigarette , the soft crackling of the burning paper close to my ear . He spun me around again , grabbing one of my hands and pulling it to his fly . I 'd realized by then that he was not the type to get hard over just a little stimulation - he was going to need some special attention . I knew just the thing . As I diligently unbuttoned his pants , pulling the tight zipper down , he puffed away on his smoke , the cigarette dangling from his slightly parted lips . The Beast wasn 't wearing any underwear , either . He didn 't have a sheath , at least , not one like other furs . His organ hung down into the right pant leg . I was surprised that I hadn 't noticed it earlier - even flaccid , I could see the shape of it perfectly pinned against his leg by the denim . My mouth was watering already . I tugged the heavy flesh out , feeling its sleeping weight in my paws . Without direction , the Beast moved silently back just enough for me to kneel in front of him . " What a beautiful cock , " I heard myself say . His fingers through the fur between my ears let me know that my words pleased him . I pulled back the skin over the flat head of his penis , enticed by the salty - sweet smell , entranced by the feeling of his blood at last flowing into this piece of meat . I opened my mouth , knowing that once he was hard , I wouldn 't be able to get it in there . My tongue slipped beneath his foreskin ; the slight abrasiveness on his sensitive parts made his length twitch with anticipation . I sucked on his tip , rewarded by a few drops of hot liquid on my tongue . It wasn 't long before I had to let him pop out of my mouth , but I didn 't let his organ go neglected . I pushed it up - must have been at least a foot long , by now - and licked the underside of it , all the way from the thick , curly fur at the base to the still - glistening tip . My hands danced around his cock , pulling the mottled flesh , massaging more blood into it . I let my drool lube his length , all the while imagining how it was going to feel , my own sex pulsing with hunger . " Get up , " he grunted finally , just when I was beginning to consider letting one paw slip between my thighs . I couldn 't move fast enough . Finally standing , leaning back against the bricks again , my heart was racing and I couldn 't seem to catch my breath . When had I dropped my ben - wa balls ? The Beast did not give me long to linger . He pushed up my skirt again , his cock leaving damp spots on the thin fabric as it bunched at my waist . He lifted me and I placed my hands on his arms , superficially delighted in the bunching muscle under my palms as he steadied me against the wall . He didn 't even have to aim . I felt the blunt tip pressing against my sex , willing it to stretch . It rubbed teasingly against my clitoris , hot and slick , and I moaned loudly . My moan stopped short as that thick head pushed past my defenses , squeezing into my toned tunnel , spreading me . Pleasure blossomed , sprouting as he continued to push in , hardly giving my body time to adjust for his size . I dug my heels into the small of his back , willing him forward . He groaned with the effort , his noise making me clench my muscles reflexively . This made him pause , then suddenly , quickly complete his push into me , hilting that long , thick staff inside of me . I could feel the dull ache inside me that meant he was pressing against my cervix , but before it could get uncomfortable , he was drawing his cock out again , the cigarette hanging limply from his lips as he panted . " Fuckin ' tight , " he muttered , dropping ashes on my chest . The going was extremely slow at first , with the exception of his first push in . I slid my arms up to his shoulders , my hands clenching bunches of his long fur . It didn 't seem like he was going to be able to speed up at all ; my body did not want to conform to his larger size . This was to no loss of pleasure for either of us , however , and I felt my body shake as I neared my first orgasm . Sensing this , the Beast took the dying cigarette from his lips and flicked it away , exhaling smoke from his nostrils as he claimed my mouth again , pressing his body inside me . He stuck to shorter pumps , stroking my deepest recesses , the blunt tip of his cock still tapping my cervix . The thought of his cum filling me , breaking past that seal , suddenly overcame me , pushing me over the edge . I gasped and yowled with my climax , my claws digging into him as he continued to thrust against my flexing muscles . He never paused , but worked through my orgasm , his hips finally able to move faster . As I calmed , panting , the sensations were doubled , tripled , and I couldn 't keep my mouth quiet anymore . Every movement the Beast made inside me elicited some sort of cry of pleasure , and I never heard him complain . I knew we wouldn 't be allowed to carry on like this much longer - we were sure to be found out . Again , he seemed to sense my thoughts . The Beast pulled his long cock out of me with a wet , sloppy sound . I made a pitiful noise , but he was already pulling my skirt back down and setting my unsteady feet back on the ground . " Your apartment is close , " he rumbled , stuffing his jeans . I didn 't ask how he knew , I just led the way there . I noticed gratefully that no one was standing at the entrance to the alley . The moment we were inside , he closed the door behind him and locked it . The Beast lifted me up in his arms and carried me into my bedroom , as if he had been here before , and knew where every turn was , every hidden piece of furniture . He dropped me unceremoniously on the bed and closed the door behind him . I was taking off my shirt as he was dropping his jeans , kicking them aside . I wiggled out of my skirt , watching him as he moved over to the shelf built into the wall by the door . My apartment is my personal place , but my bedroom is a shrine to that which I enjoy the most . I am not ashamed to say that I have my best dildos and other toys displayed on these shelves , along with magazines and books of an erotic nature . The artwork on the walls , tastefully nude throughout the rest of my home , is significantly more sexual in my bedroom . His expression a mask , the Beast chose a canine dildo from my collection . It was a moderate length , more of a challenge for me because of the bulbous knot near the base . I cannot properly use this one on my own , and seeing him bring it over to me , armed also with a small bottle of lube , awakened a refreshed sense of arousal . " Turn around , " he directed , kneeling on the bed . His organ was in a half - awakened state , still sticky with my honey . " Let me see that ass again . " I did as I was told , my heart beating with excitement . Without the distraction of public sex , I could focus my curiosity around him . I felt his wide hand on my rear cheek , rubbing , then giving a little playful slap . I sighed , bowing down on the bed and nuzzling into a pillow . This raised my hips , and my legs parted , presenting myself to him . My tail lifted , the tip brushing my back . I felt him sliding the tapered tip of the dildo along my slit , steadying me with his hand on my rump . Terribly slowly , he pushed the rubber dick inside of me . I was still sopping wet , and it went in easily , being significantly more modest than the Beast 's . He wiggled the hilted dildo inside of me , rubbing my clit with a finger as he pressed the knot against my opening . I felt my body resisting , trembling , but I couldn 't stop myself from pressing back against it . He rocked it , making the dildo nudge my walls , pressing insistently . He drew it out marginally and slammed it back into me , much the way that a rutting dog would do , and this sent the most carnal of signals down my spine . Though I knew I wasn 't being mated , I couldn 't deny the waves of pleasure this was sending through my body . My gasps became more vocal , and I felt my pussy start to clench against the slick rubber . The knot was slamming into me , and I knew I was starting to stretch over it . I had a little experience with knots on real lovers , so I knew that I wouldn 't really be stretching over it - it would more like be forced into me , and this was what the Beast was trying to accomplish . I dug my claws into the pillow and bit it as he rammed me with the dildo again and again . Then suddenly , I was tied . The knot was beyond my outer defenses , my inner walls clenching against it and trying to hold it in while trying to expel it at the same time . I heard the Beast make a small pleased noise . " Don 't you let that slip out , now , " he said . Panting , I turned my head to look at him . He was stroking his long dick with the lube . My eyes widened , but I felt a trill of excitement run through me . Even though I was prepared , I still started a little when I felt his fingers probing at my back door . I rarely indulge in anal - too much of it can be unhealthy , and while I may be promiscuous , I still want to take care of myself . I knew what to expect and forced myself to relax , concentrating instead on the pressure of the canine dick lodged in my cunt . With every courtesy , the Beast lubed me up with his fingers first , stretching me with them , while his other hand was stroking his cock against my ass cheek . I felt him slide two , then three fingers inside of me , but I was still focused on the dildo , determined to be relaxed enough for his oversized cock to slip into my ass . When he finally did press that flat tip against my rear , I felt him slip a hand around to the hilt of the dildo as well , wiggling it around inside my pussy . The sudden pleasure this awakened rolled through me , and I didn 't even feel the usual pain of the initial entrance . It was more of a pressure now , the pleasure multiplied by the feeling of his penis pressing against the canid dildo that plugged my snatch . He eased into me , taking his time for both his benefit and mine . He was so long , so thick , that it ached my back once he hilted in me . The vibrations of his organ sliding out of me , the way it moved the thick knot of the dildo tied to me , was easily sending me teetering over the edge again . The Beast had put his hand beneath me , flicking my clitoris with his fingers , as if I needed the extra stimulation . I came hard , crying out in my pleasure , as he popped his cock out of my ass and slid it back in again . His hand grabbed the dildo , working it around in my tunnel as I came down from my climax , extending my bliss . My head was swimming and my vocals only grew louder . " How 's that ? " he asked , his free hand slipping under me to grab a swaying breast . His weight over me was hot and heavy . " Do you like my big cock in your ass ? " I moaned my assent , unable to find words at the moment . He was rutting me now , hardly pulling out a few inches before slapping back against me . Still weak from my orgasm , I let his thrusts rock me . I felt him tug on the dildo until the knot popped free , and it seemed like the base of his cock swelled inside me , grateful for the extra room . He was pumping me with the dildo now in a beat that offset his own motions , rubbing the base of the rubber dick down to nudge at my very sensitive clitoris . I groaned into the pillow , knowing he was going to make me come again . My next orgasm rolled into me , making my entire body seize up beneath him , my breath caught in my throat . He snatched the dildo away and pinched my clit , sticking his thumb into my tunnel and bending it to press into my g - spot while he pounded away at my ass . I came down from it quickly , panting and leaning into the pillow , wet with my own drool . He pulled his organ out of me and stepped back from the bed . I felt open , exposed , but most of all , cold . I didn 't have the energy to do much besides roll over onto my back , following him curiously with my eyes . He 'd gone over to the shelf again , and I knew what he was doing instantly . I had some gentle cleaning wipes for sensitive areas for such an occasion - again , taking care of my body - and he was taking one out of the little white box to clean off that magnificent cock . I blinked at it , trying to focus my eyes - was there a knot on it before ? He dropped the wipe into the trash pail next to the bed before crawling back over the rumpled coverlet to me . The Beast lifted my legs , opening them for himself , as he slid into me like it was his rightful place . He fit like a key . His organ was hot , pulsing , pressing against my cervix with an intensity I hadn 't noticed before , but any idea of pain was far gone out of my mind . I felt what was definitely a knot pressing against me , but after being tied with the dildo , I was ready for it . The Beast grunted over me , rutting me now more like an animal , jamming his knot against my pussy . My paws were on his chest , fingers lost in the knotted , messy fur , clinging to him . My hips rose to meet his unnecessarily . With a loud wet noise , his knot popped inside of me . I felt the flat tip of his cock nudging harder against my cervix and I cried out uncertainly . He made a sort of growling noise , jerking his hips , but never enough to pull his knot out of me . I was overcome by the mental image of his dick filling me , pressing against my uterus . Amazingly I felt another climax rising inside me . He came first , loudly , and hot ; the strong , wet spurts of his seed painting my deepest recesses . I imagined that I could feel the liquid breaching my cervix , even spilling out beyond his knot . He came and came , and I thought he would never stop . But before he finished , I came with him . My orgasm milked him for all he was worth . He shuddered over me , his inky eyes squeezed shut and head held high . We rocked together , both of us still gasping in the final throes of our climax when his knot popped free . I could feel the sticky jizz running down my ass , soaking the bed sheets . The release of pressure inside me was almost as pleasurable as the sex . Posted in furry | Tags : anal , cat , demon , dildos , double penetration , furry , goat , oral , random encounter , vaginal | No Comments » Master Loses Control Ch . 02 December 15 , 2013 | Author sexstory Frida awoke the next morning with a soft sigh , she stank of the beast 's cum and smiled as she saw her owner sleeping soundly . The pale woman simply looked up at the brilliant yellow and purple tinted sky , coloured by the sunrise as it chased the night away . She thought of the night before , forced upon the beat 's shaft like a common whore , and smiled in satisfaction . Frida wished every day that their roles were reversed , that she could use him instead of the other way around . Little did she know , today she would have that chance . It was another hour or so before Mitar awoke from his slumber , his morning wood straining against his pants as he remembered the night before . Without a word he stood , the elf quickly standing as well , as she waited for the furred beast to untie her from the tent so she could help break the camp . Mitar paid her no mind , however , and simply trotted off into the woods , leaving the elf alone for a good five minutes or so . Was she being abandoned ? Did she not please the beast enough ? Thoughts raced through her head before the werewolf arrived with a bird in his clawed hand . " Lunch . For later . " He said , untying her . Mitar could not help but grin as he untied the woman 's leash from the tent , her simple clothing hugging her body , stained with his thick cum . " Pack up . You can pluck the bird as we walk . Should reach the city by nightfall . " He said , looking up at the sky . Frida shrank away from the beast a little as he spoke and asked , " Will I be paying for the room again ? " She asked , wondering if Mitar would sell her to pay for their stay . Their walk was silent , as usual , every once in awhile the furred man would look back at the elvish slave and check her progress on the bird . " This will be the last time we have to catch our meal . " He said as she dropped the last feather on the ground . " Next clearing we run into we 'll stop and eat . Enjoy it , though . Because we won 't be able to eat supper . " " We will be too close to the city . They don 't like their wildlife being killed . " He said , more than a little frustrated at the thought . Mitar had thought back to how far his pet had come . From screaming and fighting to actually seeming to willingly help him . Everything from making food to pleasing him , she seemed more than happy to help . The werewolf pondered if he could trust the woman to gut and prepare the bird herself . He had no idea that such a simple decision would change his relationship with the elf so drastically . The pair reached a clearing not too long afterwards , it was large , with a small lake in the middle . " Perfect . " Mitar said . " Let 's eat , then take a bath before we head out to the city . As much as I love seeing you marked , it doesn 't look good . " Frida nodded and began to dig a hole for a fire , the furred beast tying her to a small tree before heading out to get some firewood . The elf was obedient enough to not try and untie the leash , she had done it a long time ago and learned the hard way to not try it again . Frida was out as far as the leash would let her go , digging a hole for the fire , sweeping away any debris that could light up as Mitar came back . " Okay , pet . " the werewolf said , having come to a decision . He handed her the bird and patted a log leaning against the tree she had been tied to . " If you try anything , and I do mean anything , other than gutting this bird , I will finish you . " " Yes Sir ! Thank you Sir ! " The elf exclaimed as the wolf - man handed her his sharp knife , being sure to take a step out of her reach as he slender fingers wrapped around it . Frida began to quietly gut the bird against the log he had patted , her master trusted her enough with the sharp blade , and Frida just needed him to get close enough so she could show him who was really in charge . The elf began to gut the bird as she thought of taking the beast , pouncing on him and forcing him to please her . The woman 's thoughts slowly made her moist , her thighs rubbing together as she tried to ease the growing want in her loins . Mitar , who had been prepping the fire , suddenly stopped and turned to the elf , smelling her arousal with his bestial senses . " Oh - ho . What 's this ? " He said , stepping up to the woman , rubbing her small shoulders as she finished preparing the bird . " Don 't lie to me . Something about this is getting you hot , I can smell it . " He teased . Frida smiled and suddenly turned around , taking the werewolf by surprise , and brandished the knife in front of her . Mitar gave a growl and moved to grab her wrist , the elf quickly giving him a small cut before stepping in to him and holding the blade against his neck . " I . Said . Down . " the elf said , smiling as the furred man did as he was told . " Bad dog ! " Frida said , slapping Mitar 's snout . " You may only speak when spoken to . " She said , pushing the beast onto his back . " You see , mutt . When you first fucked me , I learned something . Elf cock isn 't good enough . I need someone with power . " The elf cupped the beast 's clothed crotch . " Your cock is glorious . But you ? Not so much . So , from now on , you 're my pet , not the other way around . Got it ? " " Don 't take that tone with me , you mutt . I could just cut it off , make myself a nice little dildo . " she said , moving the blade down his chest before pressing it against his flaccid cock . The beast said nothing , causing Frida to nod . " That 's what I thought . Now . Strip . " the elf said , quickly cutting her leash as she watched her new pet do as he was bid . " What did I say about talking you mutt ? " Frida said , slapping his snout . " Now then . I want you to masturbate for me , show me that great cock . " The elf said , taking her top off as she spoke , revealing her pert breasts , her nipples hard with excitement . " That 's better . " The now - naked elf said as Mitar began to stroke his tumescent cock , licking her lips as she grew tense with anticipation . " Now then , pup , you may not - " " Pup . " the elf said , slapping his nose . " No talking . As I was saying . You may not cum until I say so . Inability to follow these orders and … Well … " The woman chuckled to herself . " You 'll just have to see , okay ? " " I am in control , pup . Don 't you dare thrust . " she said as she moved down his thick pole with a gasp , finally able to take him at her own pace , rather than simply being speared open . " Mm … That 's it … " she said , grinning down at Mitar who , without warning , grabbed the woman 's hips and thrust himself deep into her tight cunt . " AH ! " she screamed , suddenly pressing the knife against his neck . " Bad dog . " She said , slowly rolling her hips . " Maybe next time I 'll have to show you how it feels to be fucked in the ass . " She said before giving a moan , rolling her hips against him , the beast 's fur tickling her clit . " Mmm … Good dog … Just like that . " She said with a moan , the beast 's thick veins rubbing against her , stretching her wide . Mitar groaned as he was pulled into the new position , the knife was against his back but he had to admit , letting her take control was pulling his cock into her in way he never knew existed , he let out a low moan as she clamped tightly around him . " Ohhh … " He gasped as the woman began to speed up , he could tell that she was getting closer and closer to her orgasm . " Mmm . . Keep going . " he groaned , beginning to force her movements , which got him a quick slap . " Shut it , dog . " She said before continuing to ride him ; using his thick cock as her own personal toy . " Mmm . . Oh yes ! " She gasped . " Fuck … Mmm … " she continued before , finally , she felt herself spasm , her cunt squeezing tightly around her intruder as she came , her juices dripping down onto the beast 's cock . Mitar gave a loud groan of pleasure as Frida rode him , her pussy squeezing around him and shaking like he had never felt before . " Oh … Fuck … " He whispered to himself as he felt his knot begin to press against the woman 's still shaking cunt . " Mm … " He moaned , Frida gasping as she pushed herself down onto the extra - wide flesh . " Mmm . . that ; s it pup … Hold it in … " Frida cooed , groaning as she slowed her movements , Causing Mitar to whine in response , his orgasm held off for now from her lack of stimulation . " Good dog . " Frida teased , rubbing behind his ear . " I will only let you cum if you call me your Alpha , beg to cum , and put this around your neck . " she said , taking off her collar and handing it to the beast . " Well then . " Frida said with a grin , groaning as she pulled the beast 's knot out of her . " I guess you 'll never cum . " The wolf man groaned as the woman pulled herself off of him , knowing that if he tried to masturbate she would simply threaten him with the knife . Hell , she might even use it . " Wait ! " He groaned , the woman having completely released his cock from her snatch , leaving it wet with her juices in the cool air . " Wait … My … A . . A … " Mitar was struggling through his sentence . He had never called someone his Alpha before . " My Alpha … Please . " He moaned , clicking the collar around his throat , which pressed against his fur making it extremely visible . " Let me cum ? " He said , adding onto her request . " Let me please you again , then please let me cum " Hoping to earn some brownie points with the woman . " Mmm … Good dog . " Frida said with a smile , gently rubbing the beast 's thick cock . " I 'll tell you what . For being such a good boy , I 'll give you a reward . But first … " the woman turned around moving onto all fours and swaying her rear in front of his face . " I want you to put that tongue to good use and get my ass nice and wet . " " Get to it or you won 't get your reward . " Frida said , idly rubbing the beast 's hard cock . " You can ; t cum just yet , boy . " she said , wiggling her dirtiest hole for the beast to start his newest task . Mitar sighed , groaning with pleasure as the woman began to rub his thick shaft before moving up and licking at her tight hole . He had only taken her there a few times , and had never prepared her , not like this , which left Mitar 's mind wandering . Was his reward getting to fuck her here ? Or was this some sort of sick perversion of hers ? Either way , the beast began to lap at her ass , groaning at the taste , it was not anything like he was expecting . Frida moaned as she felt the powerful beast under her begin to lap at her tight ring of muscles . She had always fantasized of being licked there , and to be pleased by someone so much stronger than her that she had just outwitted ? Well , that was just icing on the cake ! The elf began to lick and lap at the beast 's cock , reciprocating each movement he made with her own . She let out a gasp as the beast pressed his tongue into her and responded by taking his thick member into her mouth , much like the previous night . It was not long before the woman stood up and turned back around , facing the beast . " Good dog . " She said . " You 've earned a reward . " Frida continued , moving grasping the beast 's thick cock and placing it against her newly - lubed hole . " Mmm … I 've never gotten to take control back here … Who knows , maybe I 'll like it . " She said , holding the knife against the beast 's throat . " If you so much even think about thrusting , I will end you . Got it ? " She said before giving a gasp as she lowered herself onto the beast 's cock , spreading her ass wide , the movement eased by the rim job moments before . " You still need to ask to cum . Got it ? " She said with a moan , pressing herself further down his wide cock , only stopping when she got to his knot . " Please Fr - Alpha … " Mitar said , already at his limit , the word Alpha still new to him . " Don 't take my knot . I 'll cum . " The woman frowned and shook her head . " Sorry , Mutt . " She said . " You do not give me orders anymore . Got it ? " She said before pressing herself down , splitting herself wide as she felt the beast 's knot spear her open ; locking the beast inside and rolling her hips . " Mmm … " she gasped . " I was right . When you 're not being so abusive . This is quite - oh - good . " She gasped , rolling her hips against his twitching cock , each movement causing the wolf to grimace as he did his best to hold back his impending orgasm . " You have to try this . " she moaned , rolling her hips with more and more enthusiasm . " No talking pup . And if I want you to get fucked in the ass , you will get fucked in this ass but , don 't worry . I don 't want anyone else touching my little puppy . You 're all mine , got it ? " The wolf whimpered and gave a slow nod . " Good . Mm . . Now … " she said , grabbing the beast 's large hand and pressing it against her drooling snatch . " When you make me cum , I will let you finish , alright ? " the elf said , the beast 's hand quickly rubbing and gently pinching her clit . " Ohhh … " Mitar groaned , doing his best to hold his orgasm back as the woman 's tight ass squeezed and twitched around him as his fingers pressed into her wet sex . " Ohh … Fuck … Alpha … I can 't hold it back much longer … " " Shut it , mutt . " Frida said , leaning back and flicking his balls , causing the beast to yelp in pain . " Make me cum first . Mmm . . Just like that … More … " She groaned , rolling against the beast 's cock and hand , each second that passed bringing her closer and closer to her edge . " Oh . . Oh … Oh ! " She gasped , clenching against the beast 's fingers and thick cock , her juices wetting his fur as she came . " Oh … Fuck … Okay . . Pup … You may cum . " she moaned , beginning to grind her hips , trying to please the beast to be filled with his thick , wondrous , cream . " Oh … Alpha … fuck ! " Mitar groaned , feeling his orgasm finally reach the point of no return , his cock twitching before , at last , spurting out what felt like gallons of cum into the woman 's ass , the thick white fluid leaking out around his cock , his knot unable to hold everything inside of her . " Mm … good pet … " Frida moaned , gasping as she rolled against the beast 's softening shaft , trying to get every last drop from him . " Mmm … " She said , finally standing up , releasing his thick shaft and moaning as his warm cream leaked from her tight ass before it sealed everything in . " Okay pet . I 'm going to go wash up . You get dressed and and cook that bird . We 'll eat as we walk . Pack up camp while you 're at it . Okay ? " She said with a teasing smile , watching as the wolf began to do her bidding . It was not long until the pair were ready to go , Mitar carrying their packs , and Frida holding him by a leash ; their new roles would take some getting used to but something just felt right as they headed towards the city . Posted in furry | Tags : anal , anthro , elf , femdom , furry , werewolf | No Comments » Look What the Cat Dragged In August 1 , 2013 | Author sexstory " Look , I 'm awfully sorry about this , " Gavin said , " but I 'm afraid I 'm going to have to eat you . " The cat just stared up at him . " It 's no good giving me that look ! My father is dead , my brother has disowned me , and the only thing Papa left me in the will was a cat and a pair of high - heeled boots . My stomach is howling . I 've got to eat you , and before the week is out I 'll probably have to eat the boots as well . " Gavin would have eaten the cat already , but he wasn 't quite sure how one prepared a cat for the table . He 'd asked three women how exactly one ate pussy , and had gotten slapped twice and received a rather disgusting proposition from an elderly woman down the street . Clearly , this was something he 'd have to figure out for himself . The cat wasn 't making it any easier . It didn 't mew pitifully in anticipation of its fate ; it simply stared at him with a vaguely contemptuous look on its face . " I 'm no happier about it than you are ! " Gavin said plaintively . Then he paused . " Alright , I 'm slightly happier , I suppose , if I were to be honest , but I 'm definitely not thrilled . A week ago , I was living a life of comfort and ease , son of a wealthy landowner , and now look at me ! Dusty , starving , and penniless . Papa must have been mad in his old age to think that my brother would take care of me . Or he must simply have been mad . Let 's face it , when your will reads , ' I leave my youngest son the cat and the boots ' , the bit at the beginning about ' sound mind and body ' seems a trifle suspect . " The cat blinked haughtily . Gavin sighed . It was no good , he just wasn 't the sort of person who could kill an animal , at least not while it was staring him in the face . He sat down and started absently scratching the cat behind the ears . He 'd just have to try to figure out how to stomach the boots . " I suppose it could have been a cruel joke of some sort , " he said . " I always thought Papa doted on me , and certainly my brother thought so as well . But this … it 's not the sort of behavior one thinks of as ' loving ' . " " Oh , I don 't know , " said the cat . " He gave you his two greatest treasures in all the world , the tools with which he made his fortune . That sounds fairly nice to me . " " Yes , well , you 've probably led a sheltered life . " The cat got up and stretched . " Look , we 've got rather a lot to get through , here , so can we simply take it as read that you 've gotten used to the fact that I can talk ? I 'd rather not spend the next twenty minutes guiding you through the culture shock of learning about magical animals . " " I 'll take that as a ' no ' , then , " the cat said , sitting back down in a bit of a huff . " Yes , I 'm magical . I 'm an immortal , magical , talking cat that happens to be very clever to boot . Your father saved me from a pack of wild dogs , and in return , I promised him that I would make him and his children and his children 's children wealthy and prosperous . " " Oh , I do that too , but that 's only because he was already wealthy and prosperous . I 'd rather hoped that having gotten him a big pile of money , the children and children 's children could take care of themselves , but he decided that primogeniture was the way to go when making out his will , so I 'm right back to square one . Well , square two . I had to help him get hold of the boots , originally . " " Sharp as a tack , aren 't you ? " the cat said , although not too unkindly . " Yes , the boots are magical . Go ahead and stand them up , and put me into them feet first . " Gavin reached into the cloth sack that was his brother 's only gift to him on seeing him out of the house , and pulled out a pair of high - heeled boots . They were quite tall , probably coming right up to the thigh of most women , but given that they looked dusty , old and cracked , he doubted that many women would wear them . Still , he didn 't know much about the taste of women , or of cats for that matter , and so he stood the boots up and , holding the cat up just underneath its front paws , awkwardly put its two rear paws into them . The resultant blaze of light made Gavin squinch his eyes shut , and so instead of seeing the cat change , he merely felt its flesh twist and stretch under his fingers as it grew . Within seconds , he could no longer feel his hands touch each other around the cat 's chest . Within moments , the cat felt as big around as a human being . As the light subsided , Gavin cautiously opened his eyes . Where he had once held a cat , his hands now wrapped around a female of a decidedly different persuasion . She still had the fur and whiskers of her former feline self , and her face had a decidedly feline cast to it , but her shape and size had become human . Very human , Gavin realized with a start as he noticed where his hands had wound up after the transformation was complete . He whipped them away with a start . The cat pouted just a little . " I was just beginning to enjoy that ! " she said . " It felt a bit like going into heat . Is that how human women feel any time someone touches their breasts ? " Gavin blushed . " How would I know ? " he asked indignantly . " I 'm barely eighteen , and not yet married . I don 't know how cats do these things , but among humans , we don 't even see those things until our wedding nights , let alone have casual chats about how touching them feels . " " Oh , my , " the cat said . ' Sheltered life ' doesn 't even begin to cover it , I see . Well , I suppose I can educate you as we go along . " " To make you wealthy , of course . " The cat idly looked at her hands , wiggling her newly - lengthened fingers and sheathing and unsheathing her claws a few times . " I 'm bound by Deepest Magic to honor my promise to your father - you 're not the best material I 've had to work with , but needs must , I suppose . Just try not to say or do anything too stupid . When in doubt , remain silent . You 're good - looking , well - built , and you smell nice . That 's probably your best asset . Well , that and me and the boots . " " But - but you can 't go wandering around like that ! People will think you 're a demon , or a monster or something ! Besides , how are you going to make me wealthy with just a pair of old boots ? " Although , he noticed , they didn 't look old anymore . On the contrary , the red leather looked shiny and new against the cat 's white fur . The string didn 't take long - Gavin pulled out a lace from his own dusty boots , leaving his right shoe quite a bit looser on him , but giving Puss ( for so she 'd insisted on being called ) the string she needed . The stone , on the other hand , took quite a bit longer . But eventually , Gavin found one that had sat under a tiny waterfall for long enough that a hole had worn right through the center of it . " Perfect , " Puss said , taking the stone and slipping the shoelace through it . She tied a knot around the stone . " All we need to make a fortune . Come on , let 's head down to the town . " " How will that help us make a fortune ? " Gavin said as they walked . " Is it a sort of luck charm ? Is it magic too ? I 've heard that stones with holes in them are supposed to bring you luck . " " No , that 's just something people say , " Puss said . " Not everything 's magic , you know . You 've lived eighteen years without seeing anything magic , why would you start assuming everything is just because you 've seen two magical things in one day ? " " The magic is in the boots , " Puss said . " They don 't just turn cats into people , you know . Well , people - ish . That 's a side effect ; the boots adapted my body into something that could wear them . No , the boots amplify animal magnetism . Anyone who 's wearing them becomes a master hypnotist . " Puss hopped over the fence and headed up to the farmhouse . " I only advise , I don 't judge or morally censure . Besides , they actually looked rather good on him . " She looked around . " A - ha ! " " A - ha ? " Gavin looked around too , but all he saw was a girl feeding chickens . She was a pretty young thing , far prettier than you 'd expect from a farmer 's daughter , but not exactly anything to ' a - ha ! ' over . Especially not given that Puss was a … Gavin looked over at her for a moment , wishing he knew where to lay his hands on some ladies ' clothes … a female cat . " Our first step on the way to prosperity , " Puss said . " Wait here , and don 't look in my direction or listen to anything I say . " She walked up to the girl . " Excuse me , miss ? What 's your name ? " she said . " Bess , " the girl said , still feeding the chickens . Then she looked up . " Goodness , " she said , " but if you aren 't the strangest cat I 've ever seen ! " Puss smiled ingratiatingly . " I 'm a rare breed , " she said . " Felis financis , the selling cat . I 've come here today to interest you in my line of luck trinkets . " She held up the stone , letting it dangle and swing from the shoelace . " This is a stone with a hole in it . I 'm sure you 've heard of their magical properties . " " Well , you just continue to stare at it , " Puss said , her voice taking on a soft purring quality , " and soon the magic begins to do its work . It starts by attracting your eyes to it . Notice how you 're already finding it very difficult to look away from the soft , gentle swinging motion ? " Bess nodded absently . " Yes , but that doesn 't seem very … " Her voice stilled for a moment as her eyes followed the dangling stone . " Um … very magical . " " That 's only the beginning , my lovely , " Puss said . " Just stare at the stone a little while longer , and you 'll see that it has all sorts of magical powers . " She added a little flick of her fingers to the gentle motion of her wrist , causing the stone to spin as it swung . " For example , it has the magic of affinity . You understand affinity , don 't you , my dear ? The way that some things become like other things when they are near each other ? " " Exactly ! " Puss smiled . " The stone has the power to make you become like it . It dangles , heavy and pulled down at the end of the string . And because you are near to it , you too feel heavy , like you 're being pulled down . " The girl began to sway dangerously , and Puss spoke quickly but calmly . " But just as the stone is dangling from the string , you are dangling from my words . My words hold you upright , just as the string holds the stone . " " And just like the string is tied around the stone , my words are tying around you . My words are just wrapping around your mind , because your mind is becoming like the stone now as well . The stone doesn 't think ; it doesn 't need to think . The stone just goes where the string directs it . " Puss raised the stone slightly as she spoke , putting it just an inch or two above the girl 's eye level , making her have to look up to see it . Her head kept drooping downwards , and her eyes rolled up slightly as she tried to keep following the motion of the stone . " Your mind just goes where my words direct it . " " Perfect , perfect . Luckily for you , that 's the cost of the stone , the complete mindless obedience of a nineteen - year - old virgin . Once you agree to do everything I say without questioning , totally subservient to my will , the stone is yours . " Puss paused . " Do you agree ? " " Very good , " Puss said , letting the stone come to rest . " Here you go ! " Bess held out her hand obediently , and Puss placed the stone in her palm . " Now , my dear , you know you must obey all my commands , yes ? " " Good . Give me the stone . " Bess handed it right back to Puss . " Good girl . Now come along , we 've got things to do . " She headed back down to the fence where Gavin waited , knowing that Bess followed . " One down , " Puss said , " twenty - three to go ! Although I don 't think we 'll be that lucky every time . " " You … " Gavin just stared open - mouthed at the hypnotized girl for a long moment , trying to frame a response . He knew better by now than to say , ' You hypnotized her ! ' in astonishment , but it took a while before anything else came to mind . " You don 't think it 'll work every time ? " he said at last . " I don 't think we 'll find twenty - four virgins in a row , that 's what I think , " Puss said . " God , I don 't know how human women handle it , not knowing when they 're in heat or not . At least when I was a cat I wasn 't horny every day of the month . " Gavin didn 't quite know how to answer that . He just kept staring at the hypnotized girl , his cock stirring in a way that left him thinking that perhaps waiting for marriage wasn 't all they said it was after all . " I 'm sure we 'll find plenty of virgins , " he said absently . He found himself walking towards the girl almost without conscious volition , as though led by his stiffened cock . " In fact , I was just thinking … " " Don 't , " Puss said , holding out a hand between him and Bess and letting her claws show . " It 's not your strong suit . We need twenty - four virgins before the king and his retinue head down this road in a few days , and I don 't have the time to indulge your appetites on top of that . " She leaned up against the fence , letting her legs spread and her hindquarters show . " If you want to stick that somewhere , you can slip it into me . I won 't mind one little bit . " " Only on the outside , " Puss purred . " Inside , I 'm just like any other girl . " She wiggled her hips a little and twitched her tail . " Find out for yourself . " Gavin held up a hand . " No thank you , " he said . " It 's nothing personal , you understand . I just remember you when you were less than two feet long and ate mice . It 's kind of difficult to get that out of my head . " He looked back at Bess . " Are you sure I couldn 't just … " Puss stood up , her fur quite literally ruffled . " Quite sure , " she said . " I 'm going to make you wealthy and prosperous if I have to drag you along kicking and screaming , thank you ever so much Deepest Magic . We need twenty - four virgins , and we need them fast . " " The king , " Puss said . " King Mark . He 's touring his kingdom after a long border campaign against the giants to the south , surveying the lands and making note of what 's been going on while he 's been off at the wars . Frankly , we have good timing here . He 's scarcely got any idea at all of what 's been going on in his kingdom , and passing you off as a nobleman couldn 't be easier . " " I listen . " Puss still sounded a little sulky over having her offer of sex rejected . " People don 't tend to worry if a cat is listening when they talk . Now come on , we 've got a lot of walking to do and a lot of girls to talk to . " With that , she headed down the road , and Gavin fell into step beside her . Three days , fifty miles , and twenty - three virgins later , and Gavin was beginning to feel quite put out with his ' benefactor ' . Puss had found a number of girls whose past behavior had made them quite unsuitable for her purposes , but had she let Gavin touch a single one ? No , she had not . She 'd set those girls to cooking them meals , cleaning their clothes , or giving them a place to sleep , but afterwards , she 'd set them free without giving Gavin even a single chance to dip his wick . Gavin could tell it was just out of jealousy . Puss didn 't even try very hard to hide it . She refused to take any clothing , leaving herself shamelessly naked save for the red boots . Every time he brought up sex , she suggested that she would make a far better bedwarmer than any of the mindless girls she 'd enslaved . By this point , though , he was determined not to sleep with her as much out of obstinacy as anything else . He 'd be damned if he went crawling to her now , just because his cock was like an iron bar in his trousers and his balls ached with every waking moment . There were so many pretty young human girls ; why would he decide to rut with a beast ? That , of course , seemed to have made Puss as obstinate in her desire to have him as he was to avoid her , and just as irritated with him as he was with her . By the time they stopped by the far side of the river , all they 'd been doing for some time was bickering about sex . So when she said , " Strip out of those clothes , Gavin , " it certainly didn 't seem unusual . Gavin sighed heavily . " We 've already gone over this , Puss , " he snapped . Behind them , the girls chattered amiably in the manner of servants everywhere , their minds now only loosely held in the grip of trance until such time as Puss needed them to go deeper . " I don 't wish to seem ungrateful for your services to myself and my family , but I wasn 't the one who added ' and your children and your children 's children ' to the end of that promise , now was I ? The way I see it , it 's this ' Deepest Magic ' thing that owes you a roll in the hay , not me . " " Believe it or not , Gavin , " Puss said , " I am able to think about more than just sex with you . My hearing 's better than a human 's , and I can hear hoofbeats approaching and the creak of carriage wheels . That means the King 's party is coming . They 're not far off , either . And since humans don 't have enough taste to like a good strong smell on their manfolk , you need to wash off a bit in the river before you 're fit to meet the king . " " What about you ? " Gavin grumbled , pulling his shirt off . " You 're almost completely naked , and the only bathing you 've been doing is licking yourself off at night ! " " Ever hear the expression ' A cat may look at a king ' ? " Puss said . " It works both ways , especially when the cat has breasts like these . He might be surprised , but he certainly won 't mind . " Gavin finished stripping . " Alright , " he said , wading into the river as Puss followed his movements with her eyes . " But - but … " He ducked down into the cool water , hiding his body from view . " At least stop enjoying this ! " he cried out . Puss purred out , " Whatever would make you think I was enjoying this ? " Then she scooped up his clothes in a single swift motion and threw them as far out into the river as she could . Within moments , the current had carried them far away from view . Gavin stood up , practically speechless for a moment . Then he saw that Puss was staring at him like a starving man greets a banquet , and crouched back down in the water again . " What - why - Puss , I need those ! If this is some prank of yours to get to see me naked , it 's in very poor taste ! The King will be along any minute ! " Puss grinned , showing a mouthful of sharp teeth . " I know . That 's why I did it . I just didn 't think you 'd agree if I said , ' Excuse me , can I chuck your clothes into the river ? If the King sees you wearing them , he 'll never believe you 're a nobleman . ' Plus , it gave me the chance to see your ass . " " Only one way to find out , " Puss said . With that , she sprinted up the riverbank to the bridge , shouting , " Help ! Robbers ! Thieves ! Oh , won 't someone please help my master , the Marquis de Carabas ! " Just then , a party of mounted men and carriages reached the bridge and began to cross . With a commotion , two of them rode on ahead at faster speed , reaching Puss in a matter of moments . " What 's all this about a robbery ? " one said . He wore chainmail armor , and the sword by his side had clearly seen a number of battles , yet had been well cared for . " Oh , it is a terrible thing , " Puss said , wringing her hands . " My master , the Marquis de Carabas , was returning from a visit to a fellow nobleman , bringing back the four - and - twenty virgins that he had been given to try to persuade him to marry ( for he is much sought after as a husband , since coming of age ) , and he chose to tarry a moment to bathe in the river , for he is dusty and weary from his long travels . " She spoke loudly , letting her words carry to Gavin down in the river . " And while he bathed , and I saw to the care of the girls , a rascal leapt onto his horse and rode off into the distance with it ! I could not give chase ( for the Marquis de Carabas ' horse is well known in these parts as being the fastest in all the kingdom ) and even though it was laden down with his clothes , his armor , his sword , and his possessions , it quickly outdistanced me . Oh , alas ! " She sniffled . " Please tell me you can offer him succor and ease his worries , and not simply add to our troubles on this day . " As she spoke , the carriages rolled up to a halt , and a man got out . He wore no elaborate robes , simply the traveling garb of a man clearly used to much harder stretches on the road . Yet the air of command he wore , and the signet ring on his finger clearly said what his clothes did not , and Puss wisely curtseyed to the King . Behind him , she could just see a glimpse of golden hair as Princess Arianna edged near to the door of the carriage to hear the conversation . " What do we have here ? " King Mark asked . " Is this a new wonder that has developed in my kingdom whilst I was gone ? Do all the cats walk upright now ? " " Oh , no , sire , " Puss said meekly . " I am merely one of the wonders that my master , the Marquis de Carabas , has collected on his travels . I am Arrapata Allegra , the Marquis ' major domo and master of his household , but I humbly insist you merely call me ' Puss ' , as he does . My full name is not for my betters . " " Wonders , you say ? " The King stroked his beard , intrigued , as the knight that Puss had spoken to whispered in his ears the particulars of the situation . " I 'm always up for a good wonder , how about the rest of you ? " There was a general murmur of assent . " What other wonders does he have ? " " Oh , many , Your Majesty , " Puss purred silkily . " He has a pile of gold as tall as a house , and a bird that speaks every language of man , and he needs no army , for his castle is guarded by an ogre ten feet tall with a magic belt that turns aside swords ! It is only two days ' ride , Your Majesty , if you would like to come and inspect it . We would be most honored and gracious for your royal hospitality . " " Very well ! " King Mark said . " As you 're no doubt aware , this journey is in no small part to find a husband for my daughter , and if your castle is as wondrous as you say , I might have a proposition for your Marquis . " He looked down at the river . Gavin looked up at him and waved , feebly . King Mark stepped back into the carriage . " Find clothes and a steed for this young Marquis de Carabas , and send word back to the footmen to escort these four - and - twenty virgins of his along with them . They can catch up behind us . " Finally , as dusk approached , Puss spotted a good - sized house in the distance . " Excuse me , " she said to the lead knight , " but that is the Marquis de Carabas ' country house ! It occurs to me that it might make a good spot for the King to stay the night , even if it is unworthy of such an august personage . May we ride on ahead and inform the servants of his impending arrival ? " The knight nodded , dropping back to inform the King . Gavin whipped up the reins , giving the horse its head and riding quickly . " Look what you 've done ! " he whispered . " You will get us both beheaded with your lies ! " " I 've said nothing untrue , " Puss replied . " I 've simply ridden ahead of the truth a bit , that 's all . It will catch us up apace . " " Nothing untrue ? You 've called me the Marquis de Carabas , whatever that is ! You 've given me a country cottage , a castle , a pile of gold and my very own ogre ! And that 's quite apart from the bird thing , I can 't even pretend to understand where you came up with that one . When the king finds out you 're lying , we 're both for the chop . Oh , why did you have to come up with such stories ? " Gavin moaned . " Why couldn 't you just dangle your ' lucky stone ' in front of his eyes and hypnotize him ? " " Because he 's a king , " Puss said sensibly . " The king of the land has amulets and warding stones that protect him from such things , and has for many a generation . One too many evil Grand Viziers have tried that little trick for me to get away with it now . No , the King alone is immune to the powers these boots hold , and if I 'd tried it , we really would be for the chop . Trust me , this is the best way . " Gavin pulled the reins tight , halting the horse outside a country house . " Best way ? Where are you going to get a - a house , and a castle , and a pile of gold , and an ogre and a Carabas ? " Puss rolled her eyes as she knocked on the door . " This is Carabas , " she said . " We 're in Carabas . What , did your father teach you riding but not geography ? " The door opened , and before the startled man inside could say a single word , Puss dangled the stone before his eyes . " Greetings , good sir , " she said rapidly . " I am an emissary of good King Mark , who approaches even this very moment , and he offers you this stone in payment for a night 's stay . Now , sir , you might think it an unfair trade , but I tell you , this stone has hypnotic powers . Just looking at it sends any man or woman into a deep , obedient hypnotic trance . Think of all the things you could do if you had a stone that was this powerful , this irresistible , this mesmerizing . " The man had already drifted halfway into trance before he could even speak , and Gavin looked more than a little mazy himself . Puss clapped her free hand over Gavin 's eyes and continued . " Exactly , sir . The magic of the stone can turn anyone into a blank , mindless , hypnotized slave , make them believe whatever they 're told . Surely you can see that ? " He simply nodded . " In fact , it would make you believe that you are but the caretaker of this house , watching it for its true owner , the Marquis de Carabas . It would make you believe that the stone is his by right , since you are but his servant , obedient to him in all things . It would even make you believe that since I hold the stone , symbol of the power of the Marquis de Carabas , you must therefore obey me in all things as well . Doesn 't that make sense ? " By the time the king 's carriage arrived , the full retinue of servants ( a husband , a wife , and three children ) were waiting to greet him . The race to get them all properly hypnotized had quite driven Gavin 's questions out of his head - and listening to Puss brainwash five people in rapid succession hadn 't helped . But seeing the King brought them all back . " Quite nice , " His Majesty said , getting out . This time , Princess Arianna got out behind him , and Gavin 's heart leapt to see her beauty . " Beats sleeping rough , eh , daughter ? " Arianna smiled gently . " Father and I are most pleased by your hospitality , " she said . The look she gave Gavin suggested that she was far from unhappy with her latest marriage prospect . " We 're most honored by your visit , " he stammered out , blushing wildly . " Please , step inside . I 'll have the servants fix you something to eat . " Beside him , he was aware of Puss looking at him with a little surprise on her face . Really , did she think he 'd learned no etiquette at all as the son of a landowner ? But after dinner , when the king and his retinue had been settled in for the night , Gavin returned to the topic at hand . " So what do we do now ? " he whispered tightly . " We certainly can 't take them to the castle tomorrow ! The real Marquis de Carabas will be waiting for us , and even if you do hypnotize him , you can 't conjure up an ogre and a pile of gold ! " Puss opened the door and headed out into the night air . " The real Marquis de Carabas is dead , " she whispered back . " The ogre ate him , took over his castle , and has been waylaying travelers and stealing their valuables for two years now . " She frowned . " I really hope he didn 't decide to eat the bird , " she said . " I 'm pretty sure that one will seal the deal . " " Oh , good ! " Gavin said , barely remembering to keep his voice down . " So instead of leading the king into a web of fraud and deceit , we 're going to lead him to his death at the hands of an ogre that no sword can kill ! Wonderful , Puss , you 've outdone yourself . " Puss leapt lightly onto Gavin 's horse . " Well , I 'll admit I 've set myself a busy night , but you 'd be amazed at what you can get done over the course of a single night with the thought of beheading spurring you on . " She leaned down and licked Gavin 's cheek with her coarse tongue . " Don 't wait up , " she said , spurring the horse and riding into the night . Gavin went back into the house , trying to compose himself . Puss did have her magical hypnotic powers , he thought . Even an ogre couldn 't do anything against those . " Do you take me for a fool ? " the ogre roared . " Do you think me some sort of pox - brained , waxy - eared , empty - skulled , addle - pated , thick - headed , sore - encrusted peasant , that you can simply dangle your trinket before my eyes , tell me to stare at it , and I will ? I am Harth , strongest of all the ogres that walk in the night ! You might have had success with feeble humans , but if this is the best you can think of , kitten , I will feast upon your flesh , whittle your bones into toothpicks to pull out the scraps , and make your skin into a rug for my wall . " Puss winced . She 'd managed to deal with the frightened villagers that Harth had terrorized into working for him easily enough ; it hadn 't even taken much supernatural charisma , merely a long - standing tradition that anyone who defeated the ogre would become the new Marquis de Carabas . ( Which hadn 't stopped her from using just a little hypnosis to smooth things over and integrate their memories with the story she 'd told the King . ) Now all that was needed was to hypnotize the ogre … but he was being anything other than co - operative . " No , I wouldn 't ! " the ogre shouted , rising to his feet from the stone bench he sat upon . His full ten feet of height loomed over Puss . " I 'd feel happier grabbing my club and turning you into mashed kitling ! " He stomped over towards the massive greatclub that stood by the fireplace . " You don 't want to grab that club , " Puss said , keeping her voice low and soothing . She 'd been hoping to use the stone as much as possible - an old magician 's trick to conceal the true source of one 's power - but she 'd also been hoping not to have her bones smashed like dry twigs . Puss bristled at the thought of being called ' little ' , given that she 'd gained five feet of height in the last four days , but when the ogre picked up the club and raised it over his head , almost scraping the rafters of the high , vaulted ceiling , she had to admit that she took his point . " Well , " she said , " it has been a while . Your kind generally sticks to the mountains , my kind generally sticks to barns and cozy beds . But I don 't recall hearing anything special about you . Let me see … " She held up a hand and began to count on her fingers the things she knew about ogres . " You 're big … " She looked up at him as he stepped closer to her , his footsteps booming on the stone floor . " Check . Ill - tempered … " Harth roared , and Puss leapt out of the way as the club crashed down not an inch from where she 'd stood , cracking the flagstones where it hit . " Check ! Strong … " She looked over at the fractured stone . " We 'll just take that one as read . Stubborn … of course ! " she cried out , dodging another blow from the club . " That 's what 's going on here , isn 't it ? " She 'd actually figured out not just what was going on , but what to do about it ; her new plan required a bit of ready wit , though , and it couldn 't hurt to hide her light under a bushel just a bit . " Indeed ! " Harth cried out . " We ogres are well known as the most stubborn , most obstinate , most contrary creatures in all existence ! Why , in a race between an ogre and a mule , the mule will reach the finish line before the ogre 's even set off ! None of your whimpering , pleading little ' hypnotic suggestions ' will work on me , and if that 's the only plan you have , girl , you 'd best make peace with your ancestors , for I will be wiping my feet upon your back soon enough . " " So that 's why I can 't hypnotize you , " Puss said , backing up . " Because you couldn 't be hypnotized if you tried ! Well , then I 'm definitely going to need to think of a different plan , because some people are just talented subjects and some aren 't , and you don 't have what it takes . " The ogre roared again , swiping the club in a flat arc that forced Puss to dive to the ground . " More of your simpering trickery ? " Harth shouted . " Come up with all the plans you like , my strength of arm and strength of will can best them all ! Oh , I grow so damnably sick of humans , thinking they 're better than ogres ! " Puss rolled out of the way of another booming strike from the club . " I 'm not human ! " she cried out . " Notice the fur ? And anyway , humans are better than ogres ! I 've walked up and down this land for the past four days now , and I haven 't met a single human that didn 't know how to go into a trance ! But when I showed you my spinning stone , you didn 't even know what it was for ! " Harth 's face contorted in fury . " I knew what it was for ! " he shouted . " I just didn 't want to be hypnotized by some slip of a girl ! " " Oh , of course , " Puss said , getting to her feet and putting a hand on her hip in a mocking pose . " You certainly can be hypnotized , you just ' don 't want to ' . Why didn 't I see it before ? It has nothing to do with the fact that the simplest of human children can sink into a deep , obedient trance , and Harth , mightiest of the ogres , can 't do it . You just ' didn 't want to ' . " Harth slammed the club into the ground , leaning on it . " Are you doubting my word ? " he boomed . " Are you suggesting for even one trifling moment that I couldn 't be hypnotized if I let myself ? " " Suggesting , no . Openly stating , yes . " Puss threw her hands up in surrender . " You were right all along . Clearly , I 've made a terrible mistake , trusting my survival to a plan to hypnotize a creature that is absolutely incapable of going into even the lightest trance . You might as well go ahead and pulp me with that club of yours , because if the alternative is getting Harth of the ogres to go into a trance , I 'm sunk . " She sighed . " You just can 't hold up your end of things , I 'm afraid . " " Oh , no you can 't ! " Puss replied again . Puss hoped she could wrap this up soon , she was starting to feel like a pantomime character . " Well , " Puss said , letting the stone unwrap from around her wrist again and dangling it in the air , " I 'll show it to you , but it 's not going to do one little bit of good . I certainly doubt that you 'll be able to follow it with your eyes , for example . You just don 't have the skill to keep them utterly locked onto the motion of the swaying stone no matter where I swing it . " " Yes , " Puss said , in a somewhat mollified tone , " it does appear that you 're following the motion of the stone pretty well . But that 's only the first part of hypnosis . I know that you can 't listen to everything I say and let it sink into your mind , for example . You can 't become sleepy , and I highly doubt that your limbs are managing to become heavy and relaxed . " Harth rested his chin on his knees , following the motion of the stone perfectly . " Yes I can , " he said softly , his tone losing its inflections and becoming smooth and neutral . " I 'm becoming very sleepy , now . Very , very sleepy . " " Well … alright , I 'll admit that you 've managed to master most of the elements of hypnosis . But there 's one trick you 'll never manage , no matter how hard you try . It 's just not in your nature . You 'll never be able to become perfectly obedient to my will , sinking so deep into trance that you must obey my every command , now and forever . Humans can manage it , but you … " She sighed . " I just don 't think you can do it . " And so it was that the King entered the castle of the Marquis de Carabas the next morning , with the Marquis himself ( and his unaccountably tired major domo ) by his side . He was most taken with the mighty ogre that guarded the gates , yet spoke with courtly etiquette , and with the spontaneous and raucous celebrations the peasants were throwing that day . He saw for himself the pile of gold more than twice the height of a man , and even chatted in the southern tongue with the bird ( which looked a little bedraggled , but spoke quite prettily . ) Before the day was out , the arrival feast had become a wedding feast , and Gavin took oaths with Princess Arianna in the eyes of the local priest . He spent the evening with his new father - in - law and the knights ( as was the custom , in those days ) , and returned home in a fine state of happiness . He bounded up the stairs to his bedchamber three at a time , thinking of nothing but the moment when he and Arianna would lie together as man and wife … Posted in furry | Tags : catgirls , cunnilingus , fairy tales , fantasy , female dominant , furry , hypnosis , lesbian , straight sex , threesome | No Comments » Wolf Love Ch . 01 April 13 , 2013 | Author sexstory There I was walking down Main St about 10 : 00 pm . This was not my normal time to be out but when you 're a wolf , well there isn 't much you can do . I am a furry as most humans call me . I am a small wolf about 6 feet tall and 6 inches from head to tail and my name is Robert . My fur is a luscious deep purple and my eyes are a dark blood red . I have to wear clothes and learned to stand on my hind legs to be able to fit in with my human counterparts . I had been arrested once for no clothes , oh that was a bad night but to continue with my story , I was walking to the local coffee shop . I had gone there to get coffee but something amazing was going to happen that would change my life forever . As I opened the door to the coffee shop it is completely empty which is a surprise because it is a popular place to hang out , or so I have been told . I also noticed that there was no one at the counter as well . As I walked up there was one person working . They were bent over sorting some cups and I immediately noticed their ass . It was small and perky , but with a little chub on it , like a bubble butt . As he stood up and looked behind him , he blushes not realizing I was staring . I snapped out of the trance looking at him . He was a rabbit about 5 feet tall black fur with red tipped ears and tail with a red ring around the right eye . I smiled softly " I am sorry for staring but you are really attractive . " He blushed more and plays with his ear . " Well my name is Jesse and how may I help you ? " " When do you get off ? " " In about 30 minutes so would you like some coffee ? " I said yes and he made me a cup . I went to sit down on one of the couches to watch some news while he cleaned up . Every now and then I would glance as his ass as it swayed while he worked like he was teasing me . I sighed in bliss . I finished my coffee and all he had to do was lock up and since it was Friday he had the weekend off . " So Jesse you want to come back to my place we could hang or have some fun … " We walked to my door as I opened it I had a two room condo with a kitchen and 2 bathroom . He plopped down on my couch smiling . " Nice place Robert is almost like home … " " What are you saying ; you want to live here Jesse ? " " I would love to … " I said yes and he jumped in to my arms and kissed my cheek . I blushed bright red and kissed him back on the lips as he kissed me back , our tongues met and moved against each other as saliva ran down our chins . I took him to the bedroom and put him on the bed and ripped his clothes off as he did mine . Even though I out sized him it was amazing to find a lover . I kissed him roughly and pinned his arms to the bed I could feel his cock come out of his sheath as well as mine . His was good 6 inches but mine was an 8 inch but his was cute so it made up for it . I kissed his neck and down his chest , he moaned softly as I came to his cock . I licked the tips softly to hear him moan before I took it in my mouth . I sucked on his cock greedily with loud sucking noises , my tongue rubbing all over it as he moaning loudly till he came in my mouth . I opened my mouth to him as I swallowed and smiled as he blushed . " Oh babe that was the first time a man has sucked me off … " I smiled as I kissed his chest up to him as I kissed his lips again . " Baby can I fuck you ? " He nodded and got on all fours my hard cock rubbing against his asshole . He moaned softly as I slid it inside him his ass tight . " Oh baby I didn 't know you were a virgin . " He only moaned in response as I began to fuck him slowly getting rougher moaning too . He moaned my name over and over as my hard throbbing cock went in and out of his wet soft tight asshole until I came inside him my cock shooting hot cum inside . He had cum again all over the bed blushing . I pulled the sheets over us and cuddled him to my chest as we both fell asleep in bliss and love .
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Patrick had December 25th and 26th off for Christmas , and his regular days off are Sunday and Monday , so we planned to stay in Nampa through the weekend . The only problem was that Patrick had to work Saturday , his birthday . So he drove back to Hagerman ( a 2 hour drive ) Friday night , since the snow was supposed to start falling again early Saturday morning . He made it home , worked Saturday , and then was supposed to drive back Saturday night for a dinner and of course birthday cake . He made it about half way , but the roads were so bad that he was sliding all over the place and once even slid into the median and got stuck . Luckily , he was able to get out and make it to a town with a motel , but that meant that he didn 't make it home for the birthday dinner and cake I had spent all day making for him . Needless to say , it was not the best birthday for him . I was pretty sad too , but grateful that he was okay , and we saved the dinner and cake for the next day when he was able to make it back . So here are some pictures of Patrick 's belated - by - one - day birthday : ( Finally ) enjoying the birthday manicotti . Here 's Patrick 's cake pre - Kaiya . He thought it would be fun to teach her to stick her fingers in the frosting and lick them off . A video of her doing so . . . And the cake post Kaiya . Even though it was postponed , we had fun celebrating Patrick 's 28th birthday and only hope that next year 's event goes more smoothly ! Posted by Our Christmas was great ( as Christmases usually are ) . Kaiya 's still not to the wake up early - tear through presents - go crazy stage , so it was really relaxed and fun . We got her a slide ( as mentioned in a previous post , she loves to slide , and now that it 's winter and we can 't go out , we thought she would enjoy one for inside ) . This is a video of her coming in to see it Christmas morning . I was hoping for an excited face , some talking , and smiles , but the video is actually sort of funny because there 's none of that . You would think she had seen the thing a hundred times , but that 's just how Kaiya reacts . It takes her a while to get excited . I assure you that now the slide is her favorite thing in the world . Here 's her sort of smiling once she had done it once or twice . Kaiya got some animal crackers in her stocking and once she got those open , she was content for quite a while . It might have been her favorite present . Here 's Kaiya actually opening a present ( this might have been the only one she did on her own ) And enjoying a wooden color puzzle we got her . Patrick and I ended up getting each other the same DVD . We had purchased the Japanese version of Shall We Dance a few months ago and lost it . I guess we both thought we would like to have it again . The really funny thing was that we had wrapped them in the same paper and opened them at the same time too . I was so excited to get this rain chain . They have them all over Japan and I loved them . Now we just need a house with a rain gutter . And to live somewhere where it rains . This picture is funny because I tried all day to get pictures of her smiling and enjoying Christmas and was unsuccessful . A few hours later , she found the cat and couldn 't stop smiling and giggling . Maybe next year we 'll get her a cat . This video is sideways ( obviously . I totally forgot in the moment that I can 't turn videos ) but it 's so cute ! Kaiya got this bouncing tigger and likes to bounce along with him . And finally , here 's Kaiya wishing everyone a " Mewy Kimkink " and a goodnight too ! Patrick had to work Christmas Eve , so we didn 't get to Nampa until evening . We were lucky though that we made it just before the big snow storm hit . We did actually have a little party , but I forgot to take any pictures of it . I did , however , remember the camera when we opened gifts with Meghan and Jake before they went home that night . Here 's Kaiya with a very pregnant Meghan ( her baby is due February 2nd ) and her husband Jake . Kaiya enjoyed playing Santa that night . She was so funny . She wasn 't interested in what was inside the gifts , just delivering them . Grandma helped Kaiya open her present Kaiya got two new blankets Christmas Eve . She loved them and kept laying on them and saying , " soft , soft " . After the festivities were over , she layed with her blankets under the Christmas tree and told me that the tree and ornaments were , " boofull " ( beautiful ) . So cute . Today was our first attempt at braiding Kaiya 's hair . It 's getting so long and shaggy that I 've been trying to come up with new things to do with it . Hence the braids . She sat pretty still for it , better than I expected her to actually , and they stayed in pretty well until nap time . I think she looks pretty cute ! Posted by We got a lot of snow over the weekend , and yesterday decided to take Kaiya out to play in it . We wanted to build a snowman , but the snow wasn 't wet enough , so it didn 't stick together and we weren 't able to . However , we did throw snow at one another and took a few pictures . Kaiya trying to figure out what happened to her toy and Patrick making a snowball to throw at me . These were the icicles Patrick took off the house . Kaiya wasn 't sure about snow . After all , it 's wet and cold . What 's to like ? After a while , she started saying , " In . Kaiya . Window . " Meaning that she would rather go inside and look at the snow out the window . Just some pictures of the yard , and the 4 foot icicles hanging off the house . The bamboo is still green , but couldn 't escape the snow . Posted by We did this hike a couple of weeks ago ( you might be able to tell by our lack of coats , hats , scarves , mittens , and SNOW ) but I forgot to blog it until now . We had a really nice day and wanted to get out of the house . Patrick knew of this hike nearby into a really pretty canyon . I was a little skeptical about going in once we saw this sign , but after some persuading from Patrick we began our hike . It was definitely worth it . The hike was beautiful , even at this time of year , and it was really nice to get outside . Patrick packed Kaiya the whole time , and despite some minor protests she had a good time . Once we could see water that 's all she cared about . When we got to the bottom , this is what we saw . It was a beautiful waterfall and Kai was totally enchanted by it . She just sat and stared at it for a long time . It was so cute . We ate lunch at the bottom before going back up , which was much more work than going down . It was a fun day , and I wish the weather were warm enough now to do this again ! Posted by Yesterday Patrick went into the nursery to get Kaiya and they were in the middle of their lesson . They were talking about Joseph Smith , and the teachers were holding up a picture of him and asking the kids who it was . None of the kids knew , and then Kaiya 's little voice piped up with , " Joe - yef " ( Joseph ) . The teachers were really impressed , since Kai is the youngest one in the class , and of course we were so proud of her ! We are really amazed at how much she is already learning and comprehending . What a smart little girl ! Since Kaiya was born in Japan , this is really my first experience dealing with OB visits in the US . Today we had a Dr . appointment . It 's our second one . The first one with all the questions and the exam was taken care of by a PA , so this was our first time meeting one of the 5 doctors in the practice . We have to drive all the way to Twin Falls , which is about 45 minutes away . Then we sat in the waiting room for about 20 minutes . Finally , it 's my turn , and the nurse weighs me and takes my blood pressure . The doctor comes in , finds the baby 's heartbeat , asks if I have any questions ( I don 't ) , then tells me to schedule to come back in 4 weeks . So we leave . An hour of driving and waiting and 5 minutes of doctor time . So we left the office , and I couldn 't help but ask myself , " Do I really have to pay for this ? " . Next time I think I should just call and say we 're still alive and feeling fine , I 'll save you 5 minutes of your time . Not to mention save myself $ 100 . Kaiya has this story called " There 's a Wocket in my Pocket " by Dr . Seuss . It 's just a silly rhyming story that we read sometimes before bed . The first few lines go something like this : " Did you ever have a feeling there 's a Zamp in the Lamp ? Or a Nink in the sink ? " Whenever I read this to her , she always nods her little head in all seriousness like , " yes , I 've definitely had that feeling " . It 's so funny and makes me laugh every time . Doesn 't it seem like Daddies always do things that are more fun ? I try to do fun things , but they just don 't seem to compare . My fun things are outings , going to the park , or making play dough . Daddy fun things are always a little more extravagant . For example , last night Patrick decided we should set up the tent in our living room . Just for fun . When he suggests things like this , I tend to think mostly about the work it entails , while he thinks solely about the fun . So we attempted to set it up in our living room . It was a bust . Our tent is actually bigger than our living room . But that didn 't stop Patrick . He then decided we ought to try to set it up in Kaiya 's room . We had to move furniture around and it still barely fit , but we got it set up . Next we put Kaiya 's playpen and an air mattress inside and we were all set . Kaiya played in it for a little while before it was time for dinner , bath , and bedtime . I thought she might be nervous about sleeping in a strange place , but she seemed to like it . She kept pointing at the walls inside and saying " tent " every two minutes . Very cute . She fell asleep and we went in when we were ready for bed , and we all slept in a tent . In Kaiya 's room . And cleaning it all up this morning was a lot of work . But it was a lot of fun and we made a memory . That 's why we love Daddies . Posted by Amazingly enough , everyone guessed correctly ! We are pregnant again ! Thanks for all of the congratulations and well wishes . So far this pregnancy has been SO different from my last . I have hardly been sick at all , just tired , I haven 't fainted , I can eat pretty much whatever ( except for a baked potato , yuck ) , and my baby belly has already appeared . The tentative due date is May 15th , and we are about 15 weeks along . So far , so good ! We also want everyone to play our baby game , and guess the gender , due date , etc . It 's really fun , so please guess if you haven 't already ! Just click on the yellow expectnet link on the right . We will continue to update you on any new developments , and in the meantime we 'll be searching for the perfect name , waiting to find out baby 's gender , and prepping Kaiya on becoming a big sister ! The other day Kaiya started making these crazy faces . We thought it was pretty funny , so we wanted to share them on the blog . Don 't mind my incessant laughter ; she wouldn 't keep doing it if I stopped laughing at her . Turn the sound off if you must . And just something Daddy has been teaching her . . . With so little to do for fun in Hagerman we 've been pressed into finding new things to do for fun . One activity is fishing . Did you know over 90 % of the trout served in American restaraunts comes from the Hagerman Valley ? Neither did we , probably because we rarely eat fish and when we do it 's usually in sushi form . At any rate , because of all the hatcheries here , there is great fishing . I hadn 't fished much in years but starting in fall I started going out about once a week with my buddy Dylan . Luckily he knows more than me about it so he can help out , but he 's not obsessive about it so it 's still fun . We certainly haven 't caught anything that will win any records , but it 's still a fun weekly activity . We bought Kaiya some of those bathtub crayons and she 's in love . They 're actually really cool . They write really easily so she doesn 't have to press hard ( which can be a problem with regular crayons ) , she can write under water , and they wash off so easily . They are a great toy in the bathtub . One problem : she recently began sampling them as food . I thought taking them away once or twice when she did that would cure her , but to no avail . Does anyone have any suggestions for getting kids to NOT want to eat crayons ? Posted by I made pumpkin chocolate chip cupcakes for Halloween , and we decided to let Kaiya have one for her Halloween treat . She went to town on it ! Doesn 't she just look satisfied in that last picture ? Posted by
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Big news this week - - the World Health Organization announced that , after reviewing the data , processed meat is a Type 1 carcinogen . This is the highest level of classification for cancer causing substances . Tobacco , arsenic , alcohol , and asbestos are also Type 1 carcinogens ( a carcinogen is a substance that can cause cancer ) . Hot dogs , ham , sausages , corned beef , and canned meat are all processed meats . A processed meat is a meat that has been preserved by salting , curing , smoking , drying , or canning . Red meats include pork , beef , lamb , and other meats from mammals . When I first saw the news , I almost glossed right over it . " Yeah , I 've known this for years , " I thought . " What else is new ? " But when I began to see it plastered everywhere - - all over mainstream websites and news outlets , I became interested . Unfortunately , the response to this really important news has been disheartening . Many people 's knee jerk reaction is to look for ways to continue doing what they 've been doing despite the facts . They are now pushing the message of moderation , which , honestly , sounds crazy to me ( See this video from the YouTube channel " Happy Healthy Vegan . " They have also noticed the lack of seriousness in the response to the important news ) . Remember , processed meat is a Type 1 carcinogen . What person in their right mind recommends smoking in moderation ? Who says to breathe in asbestos in moderation ? What about using arsenic in moderation ? ? ? Back when I still lived in the States I remember old schools and other old buildings being completely demolished because they had asbestos in them . That 's less of a hassle than not eating salami ? ? To be clear , the WHO panel based their conclusion on about 800 studies . This is not just another single study based on a handful of people . The beef industry has deep pockets , and you can be sure they 're not going to go down without a fight . As is made clear in Dr . Michael Greger 's video about eggs ( below ) , it 's not below these groups to pay scientists and bloggers to promote their products as a health food . As I was washing the dishes last night , I listened to an episode of the radio show " On Point with Tom Ashbrook , " which discussed the WHO announcement . The panel of guests seemed blindsided by the news . Most of them were stuttering and unprepared to answer many questions ( Aside from Marion Nestle - - a professor of nutrition at New York University , who basically said , " Ya , we 've known about this for a long time - - what 's the surprise all about ? " You can find her written statement to CNN here . ) . One man called in and asked about nitrate free lunch meats , wondering if he would be safe if he continued to buy them . When I heard this , my initial reaction was disbelief as to why someone would continue eating processed meat after hearing the news . But after thinking about myself as a former meat eater , I can understand . When I ate meat , I mostly ate processed meat . It was so much easier to buy a few slices of ham than to buy meat in its original , raw form . In fact , when I lived on my own I don 't remember buying raw , unprocessed meat even once . I 've worked at a couple of delis , and , now that I think about it , we only sold processed meat to people . People eat the stuff daily - - it is called " lunch meat , " after all . And when something is so pervasive in a culture and you see everyone doing it , it 's hard to believe that it is actually dangerous . This is understandable . Wasn 't the response to the dangers of tobacco similar ? Doctors and celebrities were paid to endorse the products and gave the general public a false sense of security . People took half measures like smoking light cigarettes and cigarettes with filters , which actually turn out to be more detrimental to health . The same thing is happening now . People are grasping at straws , hoping that nitrate free or organic lunch meat will not be as harmful to them . Many people misinterpret the news , reasoning that , since processed meat doesn 't instantly kill you , the news has been over hyped . People also claim that since meat has vitamins and minerals , it is still alright to eat it sometimes . As one YouTube news reporter puts it , " Vegetarians , don 't rejoice too much , though . Meat is still a great source of B vitamins , minerals , iron , and zinc . " I understand that if you 've been eating meat everyday for fifty years or if you depend on ham and bologna to feed your children at lunch , this may be a lot to take in at once . It may be more comfortable to react in disbelief along with millions of other people . While I was initially surprised and a little angry at the public reaction , I am left feeling compassionate because I know what it is like to live and eat that way . However , Yulia and I want you to know that it is possible to change for the better . We are encouraged to see that even non vegetarians are taking interest in the mounting reasons to not eat meat . The same people from " DNews " in the video above link to another video about the meat industry in the United States . They acknowledge that meat production produces more greenhouse gases than all forms of transportation combined . So eating a plant based diet is not only better for your health , it is also better for the health of the planet . If you are at all interested in environmentalism , you might want to consider a plant based diet . But this is a topic for another post . . . Yulia and I just got back from a quick trip to Kyiv , the Ukrainian capital . This was our second trip to the city , and we only spent a few days there on each trip , so we are by no means experts . Still , we 've been able to make some observations while traveling there . This post will be about the differences and similarities between Kyiv and Lviv . Yulia and I live in a tiny village of less than one hundred people . It 's in a tucked away area well off the beaten path . When it rains , our road remains muddy for weeks . The houses here are small , modest one story buildings . We live 30 miles ( 50 km ) from Lviv . It is a city of just under a million people . There is a height limit to the buildings there , so there is no skyline in the modern sense of the word . Lviv 's downtown is dominated by architecture from Austrian times - - it 's quaint and charming , but relatively small in scale . In comparison , Kyiv is huge . It reminds us of the American city of Chicago . The buildings are tall and the streets are wide - - especially in comparison to the medieval alleyways of Lviv . The volume of traffic is intense . At night , the sound never ceases . We had a particularly stuffy hotel room , so we had to keep the window open all night . We had a hard time sleeping because of the constant roar of the street fourteen stories below . The architecture of downtown Kyiv is a combination of beautiful , historic buildings ( but unlike Lviv , they are enormous ! ) and modern high rises . We love love love the Kyiv Metro ! It 's by far better than any subway system we have used anywhere . The trains come every two minutes or so . You never have to wait long for a train . The Metro stations are also beautiful ! We really like the " University " stop . It 's right by the botanical garden , and there are many beautiful potted plants by the escalator . The lighting didn 't lend itself to a good picture , but you get the idea ! : ) Lviv doesn 't have a subway system , but it does have pretty good public transportation . There are buses , mini - buses ( маршрутки ) , trolleybuses , and trams . The video below is about the designers of the new trams in Lviv . They were designed , constructed and , now , used in Lviv . While Lviv may not be as big and wealthy as Kyiv , there are many people here who care about their city and who try to make a difference . We think their care and love shows ! ( The video is in Ukrainian , though we 'd recommend watching it just for the images , which are lovely ) . On our first day in Kyiv I went to a currency exchange . After I gave the lady at the booth dollars , she asked for something in Russian . I didn 't understand and looked to Yulia for help . She told me that the lady wanted hryvnias so that she could return large bills to me . I gave her some hryvnias , and she asked for more because Yulia misunderstood her the first time . I obliged and apologized in Ukrainian , saying , " Sorry , I don 't speak Russian . " I guess this set her off because she went into a long speech and shook her head as she counted my money . I had no idea what she was saying because , as I made clear earlier , I don 't speak Russian . I stared at her blankly and took my money . I guess she was saying something rude ( I later found out that she said , " All kinds of foreigners come here , from England and all over the world , and they all understand Russian . " ) . Yulia was listening to everything as she stood off to the side . She went up to the window after I left and said , " So you think that everyone understands Russian ? " At this point we left in disbelief . I just want to reiterate what happened . I was speaking Ukrainian . In the Ukrainian capital . And a woman became upset with me because I didn 't understand Russian . We went to restaurants with some trepidation . When we went to one place for dinner , we received only Russian language menus . I explained that I don 't understand Russian and asked for a Ukrainian menu . They let me know that they didn 't have a Ukrainian menu , but an English one . Also , we had some business to attend to at the American Embassy , and again , surprisingly , Russian . When we were moving through security a lady was saying what kinds of things to take out of our bags and pockets before going through the metal detector . Yulia saw me struggling to understand and started explaining what she was saying . The embassy worker saw and had to get one of her coworkers to translate into English . Again , this was the American embassy in Ukraine , and Russian was spoken there . Some employees knew English . No Ukrainian ( I don 't want to paint an overly grim picture , either . The people inside were quite friendly and professional and spoke English fluently ) . We hear many people call Kyiv a bilingual city , but Yulia and I think Lviv might actually be a better example . True , Lviv is an overwhelmingly Ukrainian speaking city , but there are locals who speak Russian as well . We encounter many of them in Франківський Район ( Frankivs ' kyi Rayon ) , a beautiful , well - to - do neighborhood of the city . They speak Russian and most people speak to them in Ukrainian . We 've lived here for four years without seeing any conflicts . It 's different in Kyiv . Despite the decommunization laws , we still saw communist stars on lamp posts and a statue of a guy on a horse with a hammer and sickle on it ( I also noticed that someone had spray painted Слава Україні ( Glory to Ukraine ) on it , but the paint has since been washed off . The hammer and sickle remain ) . Despite a few old symbols from Soviet times , Kyiv has the feel of a modern American city to us . The streets are wide and the economy seems to be bustling . We saw few , if any , Ladas or old junkers . Most cars are new and shiny compared to Lviv . We also noticed that the people were finely dressed . I 've almost forgotten what it 's like to see a grown man with neatly combed hair wearing a collared shirt and sweater . You 'll see nicely dressed people in Lviv as well , but not to the same extent . Lviv is much smaller and has many residents who are recent transplants from the surrounding countryside . It has much fewer native urbanites . Recently , however , Lviv is giving Kyiv a run for its money . It 's becoming very attractive to investors , professionals , inventors , creative types , and all sorts of people . As this recent RFE / RL article says : " The country 's GDP is set to contract by 9 percent this year , but you wouldn 't guess it by walking around Lviv . New restaurants open every month , and posters advertise new residential developments . " Like Kyiv , Lviv 's IT sector is really taking off . One Israeli IT entrepreneur , who moved to Kyiv before relocating to Lviv , cites the locals as the reason why he set up business here : While Yulia and I are thrilled that Kyiv and Lviv are doing so well , we get the feeling that they are virtual islands isolated from the ocean of Ukrainian land around them . They vacuum up not only people from the surrounding countryside , but also talent and resources . Ukraine just had local elections , which made us consider who in our surrounding area we should vote for . We wonder who is actually qualified to be elected into office . Who has the leadership skills ? Who can take on such a responsibility and who understands how to manage money for a village or town ? Whoever is in charge now is doing a pitiful job . We see little evidence that they know how to organize a group of workers to fix a road or manage money . We 've seen a policeman on our street once in the 2 + years we 've been living at our home . Old buildings from the former колгосп ( collective farm ) are crumbling , and no one is even thinking about demolishing or reusing them . Since the quality of life has now improved in cities like Kyiv and Lviv , it may be time for the much touted talent in those cities to begin to think about the rest of the country . Why do the roads suddenly fall apart when you drive beyond the city limits ? Why are there good paying jobs only in the biggest cities ? During the electricity emergency last year , we had daily blackouts in our village . However , when I drove to Lviv , the soccer stadium had its lights on full blast , lighting up the sky for miles around . Why is everybody who is not a city resident treated as a second class citizen ? Don 't get us wrong , if you 're a visitor or an expat in Ukraine , we think Kyiv and Lviv are wonderful places to visit or live . They have all the amenities and infrastructure you expect and need . Also , you 'll be able to find all the Ukrainian history and culture you 're looking for . Enough people speak English for an outsider to get around . The cost of visiting Ukraine is much less than the cost of going to most other European cities , but your experience will probably be the same as , if not better than , going somewhere else . Definitely give them a try ! Sometimes life can feel like the movie , Groundhog Day . You wake up and relive the same day over and over again . At times , it feels like I am in Groundhog Day . I 've been hanging siding on the walls of our house since May . When I first got started it felt nifty : " I finished framing the first window - - neat ! " Now I think , " One more freaking window to frame . When will this end ? ? " I 'm feeling this way because I want to wrap up this project before winter . I want everything to be nice and sealed up before the first snow . Or should I say , wanted ? Yes , it happened already ! We had our first snow ! Just like last year , we got it in October - - pretty unusual around here . But we only had a light coating . We read that it snowed up to 20 centimeters in parts of Poland ! Suddenly it doesn 't feel so much like Groundhog Day anymore ! As the snow was falling , our primitive little sink started leaking . It started on a Sunday night after I came back home from a day trip to Lviv , so I was in no mood to fix it that night . I took a look at it Monday morning and discovered that it wasn 't leaking at the seams as I expected , but , rather , was leaking through pinhole sized openings that formed in the sheet metal . Strange ! I 've used vinegar to clean out the basin once or twice , and I assume that that was enough for the acid to begin eating away at the metal . I actually patched up the holes with caulk , but when I filled the basin with water again , some new holes appeared that I had not noticed before . Yulia claims that she saw a pinhole form and start leaking seconds after I poured the water . But not all of our surprises have been negative ones . Last week , for example , Yulia and I tried making some pumpkin gnocchi or , as we call them here in Ukraine , " lazy varenyky . " The varenyky were a flop . They didn 't taste too good . We had a whole bowl full of dough that hadn 't been used yet , and , instead of throwing it out , we let it sit overnight . The next day we noticed that the dough had risen as if it had yeast in it . We thought , what the heck , let 's try baking this stuff and see what happens . Yulia put the dough into some forms and . . . whaduyaknow ? We had some unexpected pumpkin bread ! I want to make that same mistake again sometime . Some mistakes turn out to be delicious ! Oh yes . And we saw a pretty big snake in our garden not too long ago . It was moving slowly because the weather was cold . We see snakes by our house very rarely , and each time we just see their backsides as they quickly slither away from us . We hope this guy found a nice , warm place to overwinter . Anyone who has known Yulia and me before and after going vegan should be able to recognize one very obvious sign of health . We used to get sick regularly , but now we don 't get sick at all . The time we stopped getting regular colds almost too nicely coincides with our transition to vegetarianism . Before I started eating a whole foods , plant based diet I was sick several times a year . I remember soar throats and coughing as a regular thing . I didn 't even question it . I assumed I was sick from germs , bacteria , or viruses . " Better continue using that antibacterial soap , " I thought . I would slather it on and use antiseptic spray on door handles and other surfaces with absolutely no improvements to my health . Now I can 't even remember the last time I coughed . What was once normal has become abnormal ( I got a hell of a sinus infection last year after staying awake for two nights in a row while eating animal products . I wrote about it in this post : " Health and Sickness " ) . When I was eating a standard American diet and constantly getting sick , nobody questioned my diet and lifestyle . Nobody told me that it was abnormal to get the common cold ( The term common cold illustrates just how normal our culture considers it ) . Maybe I would have changed sooner if I was made aware that what was happening was not normal . On the other hand , now that Yulia and I are stronger , healthier , and happier , people question our diet and lifestyle all the time . A family member once told us , " If you were younger I would never let you eat the way you 're eating now . " And , of course , we get the obligatory questions , " Where do you get your protein ? " and " Where do you get your vitamins ? " They 're good questions , by the way , and I 'm in no way trying to put down the people who ask those questions ( I 'll give you my answers below ) . What does confuse me , though , is why people never questioned us when we were constantly sick , but do question us now . Yulia and I have nothing to sell you . We 're not trying to convince you to change for any personal gain other than to help those that we care about . If you 're feeling better and healthier , we 'll feel better too . As each year goes by , it becomes stranger and stranger to talk with family and friends who are constantly sick . As people who care about you , we want you to feel better . We want you to know that it doesn 't have to be this way . Yulia and I go against conventional wisdom everyday . We sleep with the window open until the night time temperature goes below freezing . We bathe outside every night , year round . We don 't use anti bacterial soap . We don 't have a flush toilet . We cram ourselves onto overcrowded buses full of sick people , yet never get the virus going around . We drink cold water straight from the spring and drive in cars with the windows down ( two no - no 's in Ukraine ) . And we don 't eat meat , dairy , or eggs . To answer the question - - Where do you get your protein ? - - I will refer you to world record holder strongman , Patrik Baboumian . He made the world record for the log lift and yoke walk . In the video below he carries 555 kilograms ( 1224 pounds ) over 10 meters . That 's about the maximum load my pickup truck can carry . He 's probably getting enough protein , right ? What does he eat ? Plants . Baboumian is a vegan . He 's been vegan since 2011 and vegetarian since 2005 ( source ) . In the video below he talks about where he gets his protein from . He has a long list : lentils , beans , chickpeas , peanuts , peas , soy , wheat , rye , corn , oats , and rice . He combines the legumes and cereals in this list to get a good combination of amino acids . While Baboumian is right that he gets all his protein from plants , he actually unnecessarily focuses on combining foods to get a " complete protein " ( although combining foods does not hurt - - obviously ) . It is impossible to create a whole foods , plant based diet that is deficient in any of the amino acids . This myth is still strong ( even among vegans and vegetarians ) , so allow me to explain . It all got started in 1971 when Frances Moore Lappe published the book , Diet for a Small Planet . In this book Lappe writes that some plant foods are deficient in essential amino acids , so someone on a vegetarian diet must combine certain foods to get a " complete protein . " Ten years later the myth of protein completion was labeled a mistake . Who , you may ask , debunked this myth ? Some burnt out hippy ? A crazy animal liberation activist - terrorist ? In fact , the creator of the myth herself calls it out in the tenth anniversary edition of the book : Yulia and I see this myth being propagated by vegans and non - vegans alike . It 's not the 1970s anymore . If you encounter this piece of misinformation , make people aware that it was discounted by the myth 's original author a long time ago . You may have noticed that I used the term , " whole foods , plant based diet , " a couple of times now . That 's because this is the type of diet Yulia and I most closely follow . It describes how we eat : whole foods ( not processed foods ) and plants . I do not use the term , vegan diet , because it can mean many different things . One can eat french fries and Oreos on a vegan diet , but we wouldn 't eat that way because we don 't think it would be healthy . What I respect most about the author is that he began his career convinced that animal protein is key to health . However , as he did his own research , he found that the opposite was the case . In the beginning of his career he studied malnutrition . He traveled to the Philippines to study liver cancer in children assuming that the highest incidences of the cancer would appear in children who ate little , if any , animal protein . But when he looked at the data , it became clear that the children who ate the most animal protein were the most susceptible . As he puts it : " The families with the most money ate what we thought were the healthiest diets , the diets most like our own meaty American diets . They consumed more protein than anyone else in the country ( high quality animal protein , at that ) , and yet they were the ones getting liver cancer ! " ( 36 emphasis in original ) In this book , Campbell discusses what he calls the diseases of affluence - - namely , heart disease , cancer , stroke , Alzheimer 's , obesity and diabetes - - and how these diseases are relatively unheard of in traditional cultures that eat a whole foods , plant based diet . The contrast between more affluent and less affluent groups is stark . In China , for example , Campbell found that poorer people who could not afford a diet high in meat were less likely to get heart disease , cancer , etc . " But , " he says , " these ailments arrive when a traditional culture starts accumulating wealth and starts eating more and more meat , dairy , and refined plant products ( like crackers , cookies and soda ) . " ( 109 ) You may still have lingering questions about " those vitamins " that you can 't get from plant foods . Precisely , there are four nutrients which animal products have that plant foods do not : cholesterol and vitamins A , D , and B12 . Cholesterol and vitamins A and D are non essential nutrients , which means that our bodies can synthesize them on their own . Cholesterol is naturally made in the body , vitamin A can be made from beta - carotene , and vitamin D can be made by giving yourself exposure to sunlight ( The China Study 231 ) [ Vitamin D can also be found in sun dried mushrooms ] . Vitamin B12 , on the other hand , comes from microorganisms found in the soil and animal ( including human ) intestines . Plants grown in soil with high levels of B12 are able to absorb this nutrient ( The China Study 232 ) . Unfortunately , since most people in the modern world don 't eat food grown in healthy soils , they do not get this nutrient from plants . Even more unfortunately , many food animals today don 't get B12 from the food they are fed , so farmers actually have to inject their animals with it . Those animals are then killed and fed to people who think they are getting their B12 from a natural source . Wouldn 't it make more sense to just take a supplement yourself ? Here are two of the more thoughtful takes on vitamin B12 and veganism . In the first video , the narrator makes a good point . If 39 % of people have a vitamin B12 deficiency , but far less than that ( 0 . 5 % ) are vegans , then this is not only an issue for vegans . Meat eaters should also consider if they are getting enough . He also questions how many vegetarians and vegans get their blood tested right before they stop eating animals products and then get tested again after several years ( which is how long it takes to get a B12 deficiency ) . His point is that many vegans do a blood test to find out that they are B12 deficient , but never bothered to check their levels before changing their diet . They blame the B12 deficiency on veganism when they may have been B12 deficient all along . I can 't tell you what my vitamin B12 level is . If I do get it , I assume I get it from plants grown in my garden , kombucha , fermented foods , and nutritional yeast . I 'm curious to get myself tested and find out for myself . For that matter , I can 't tell you what any of my vitamin levels are at . But I am feeling better in many different ways , and I think that counts for something . In the end , I 'm not so interested in digging in my heels on the issue of nutrition . The point of this blog post is not to prove that I am right and everybody else is wrong . I just care that I am giving myself and the people I care about the best information possible . If I learn about something new in nutrition , and it makes sense to me , I 'll try it . I don 't think how I eat is perfect , but I 'm trying to move in that direction . Most recently , for example , I 'm working on really cutting down on my intake of salt and oil , which I use a lot of when the weather gets cold . In the end , my body doesn 't care if I can win a debate on nutrition . It just cares that I get that nutrition . Posted by Yulia and I were walking to the bus stop in Yulia 's grandparents ' village one foggy morning . As we were walking I heard a sound I had never heard before . I could only describe it as a distant roar . It would roar for a few seconds and then stop . Then it would start again . I asked Yulia what it was , and she didn 't answer . I asked again . Nothing . It was a day or two before Easter , and I put two and two together . A pig was being slaughtered for the holiday . We continued walking and the roaring continued . It had been screaming in agony for several minutes now . Tears welled up in my eyes . The sound vibrated through my ears . It was not dying of old age - - this was the sound of a strong animal . It knew it was on its way out of this world . It didn 't want to go , and it wasn 't going quietly . This animal fiercely wanted to live . We got to the bus stop and the screaming continued . The tears were hot in my eyes . " Why don 't they just kill it already ? Put it out of its misery ! " I couldn 't take it anymore . What the hell were the people who did that doing at that moment ? ? Sitting in their house ? Standing there and watching ? How could they ? ? Admittedly , my telling of the story has been filtered through my emotions . I don 't know what the pig felt at that time . I don 't know if it actually knew it was on its way out of this world , but that 's what I heard in its shrieking . I understand that emotions and feelings are suspect in this hyper rational world we live in . I understand that we need to question our biases in the search for truth . But I don 't think it makes sense to completely sideline our feelings either . Try to understand what they are telling you . If hearing an animal scream makes you cringe , maybe something is not completely right - - especially if you are the cause of that screaming ( If you hear an animal scream , and it does not make you cringe , maybe something is not completely right either ) . If you want to objectively know how pigs are slaughtered around here - - no emotions , no subjectivity , this is how : a knife is pushed through the pig 's chest and into its heart . As I described , death is not instant . I have tears in my eyes as I write this . I 'm only going on because I hope my words will inspire other people to think . Do you really need to celebrate a holiday by making an animal suffer like that ? There are literally thousands upon thousands of other things you could do to celebrate being with your family . Read a book with your niece . Teach your nephew how to ride a bike . Push your cousins on a swing . Ask the elderly people in your family to tell you a story from 60 years ago . Help out grandma in the kitchen . Why does the celebration have to involve an animal screaming in agony for half an hour ? Why does it have to involve killing at all ? I guess there 's actually an argument against vegans now that claims that plants can feel pain . The article , smugly titled , " Nice try , Vegans : Plants Can Actually Hear Themselves Being Eaten , " describes how a certain plant releases mustard oil as a defense in response to vibrations that mimic a caterpillar eating leaves . Even though this is not the conclusion of the study , many people have concluded on their own that plants can feel pain and are conscious . To anyone who believes this , I have one question : If you actually think plants feel pain , are you going to change your life in any way in accordance with those beliefs ? If you think the solution is to eat meat so that you don 't incur pain on plants , remember that livestock are fed plants . You have to kill a lot more plants to feed the animals than you do if you just fed yourself with those plants . Then you have to kill the animal . My guess is that no one is actually bothered by the suffering of plants . Rather , some people use it as a counter argument to ethical veganism - - specifically , the belief that one should incur as little pain as possible . I 'll be honest . I don 't want to hear it . Don 't compare a sheep who still tries to run away while laying on its side in a pool of its own blood after having its throat cut to me picking berries in my backyard . That sheep is making motions like it wants to run away because it does want to run away . Don 't pretend they 're so stupid . Animals know they are being killed when they are slaughtered , and they fight fiercely for their lives . When chickens are taken off the trucks at slaughterhouses , they hold onto their crates so tightly that their feet are sometimes ripped off their bodies ( source ) . I 've talked about the suffering that a pig from a family homestead went through , but animals in slaughterhouses face unimaginable torture . I don 't use the word torture lightly here . I recently read an article from the Los Angeles Times , " The Cruelty Behind Your Ballpark Hotdog , " which documents botched slaughters and other animal rights abuses . There is an anecdote about one pig , for example , that was not immediately killed by a stun gun . Since there was no spare available , the metal rod had to be pulled from the pig 's head while it was still alive in order to reload it . If you comfort yourself by pointing out that this is an anomaly ( the article makes clear it isn 't ) , then consider what happens day to day in animal agriculture . It is common practice to cut the testicles out of baby pigs without anesthetics and grind up male chicks alive ( or suffocate them in plastic bags ) in the egg industry . It is also common for cows to be skinned alive at slaughterhouses . The video below describes how at one facility the first 10 cows slaughtered each morning are particularly susceptible to this because the owner doesn 't allow time for the cows to be fully bled : " There is pressure to start dismembering the cows right away and not lose money by slowing down the production line . " This is an everyday occurrence in Kosher and Halal slaughterhouses because the animal is not stunned . If it is not completely bled in time , it will still be conscious as the scalper begins to pull the skin off its body . I didn 't know what was going on with the animals I ate for a long time . No one had ever shared the information with me . Even after I learned what was happening I didn 't go vegan overnight . But it got me thinking , and once things got lined up in my mind , I realized that going vegan was the only conclusion that made sense . I understand that just because it makes sense to me doesn 't mean that it will automatically make sense to you , so don 't let me convince you . You need to convince yourself . You need to take responsibility for yourself and your actions . I think if you go veg ' because of this post or because you watched a couple of videos , you will not have a strong enough foundation to continue long term . So take the time to learn about the world around you . What is acceptable to you and what isn 't ? Only you can answer that . For a long time eating meat was acceptable to me . I went vegetarian when I was 18 , then went back . I was off and on for several years . Grass fed beef caught my interest the summer before I met Yulia . I had a bacon sandwich the first time I went out with Yulia and continued eating meat for the first two months after we started dating ( though I stopped eating meat in front of her ) . After that , the two of us were ovo - lacto vegetarians for some time , though we gradually started to cut that out of our diet . I 've been on a vegan + honey diet for about a year now . This is what makes sense to us right now . We 're not writing this to judge you , and we 're open to the idea of changing if we see a better way of living . Our eyes are open . If we see some good in what you 're doing , we 'll notice . I realize Yulia and I aren 't strict vegans , but veganism is the movement we most closely identify with , so that 's why we chose to go with that for the title . For the sake of simplicity , I will continue to use the term , but you should know that we keep bees and haven 't thrown out our old leather shoes or wool slippers ( though we don 't buy leather or wool anymore ) . We also have a down comforter that Yulia 's grandmother gave us . It was old , so we had the feathers cleaned and put into a new sack ( again , we don 't buy new down products anymore ) . We have two cats and a dog . Our cats would have been drowned as kittens if we did not take them into our care , and our dog was homeless when she appeared in our backyard . We encouraged her to leave when she first arrived , but she literally had nowhere else to go , so we 're doing our best to give her a loving home . To get started , see the pages I linked to above . If you think you can handle it , watch the film , Earthlings . I link to it reluctantly because it is by far the most upsetting , violent movie I have ever seen . The images and sounds are nothing short of medieval , yet they were filmed in our time . In the future , I think people will see the things we did and shake their heads at what primitive savages we used to be . I don 't think Yulia and I have a large vegan audience . I assume most of our readers eat a standard diet including meat , dairy , and eggs and wear leather and so on . And I know that we have a lot of friends and family who read this blog who are not vegan . We still want to be friends with you , and we do not want a divorce from our families . We write about this because this is a large part of our lives . Unfortunately , we live in a world where this is not the norm . Outside of our home there are few spaces where we are not bombarded with animal products . When I go to the bazaar I see sellers shoeing flies away from the cuts of meat on their tables . From the street I see pig 's heads hanging in butcher shops . When we shop for shoes , we have to ignore most of the shoes we see because they are made from a cow 's skin ( forget the euphemism ) . Yulia and I can 't even sit down at the table with our own family without having to see and smell meat ( though our parents are open to eating what we eat when we 're together , and Yulia 's grandparents even had a vegan Easter with us last year - - no questions , no complaints ) . But this blog is our little space on the internet , and we want it to reflect our own thoughts and opinions . If you don 't like what you 're reading here , move on . We 'll deal with having less page views because of it . If you want to understand the world as we see it , imagine if I stuck a knife into our dog 's chest , and she screamed so loud that you not only heard it as you walked by our house , by that you could even hear it ten minutes after walking by . In half an hour , after she finally stopped wailing , I would take our electric saw , cut her head off and display it so that people walking on the street could see . If anyone got offended I would remind them that she wagged her tail and had a happy life . Plus , this is a world in which people eat dogs . It wouldn 't be against the law , so you couldn 't do anything about it anyway . Then I would cut her body into little pieces and eat it in front of you , knowing that the very idea of this disturbs you . I would take the small pieces of her body that no one would otherwise eat ( like her cheeks , heart , and anus ) , stuff it into her own intestines , and feed it to my children with mustard and ketchup as a fun snack food . I would boil her bones and use the broth as a base for vegetable soup and be surprised if you wouldn 't want to eat it . I would raise more dogs and let them run around the streets of our village , so that they poop everywhere and make a lot of noise . When it rained , the poop would get wet and turn into mud . When it was dry that poop would turn into dust and fly into the air whenever a car drove by . I would also buy dog meat from the store and tell you that it is cheaper than buying rice and vegetables even though rice and vegetables are less expensive than dog meat . I would make fun of you and call you an elitist yuppy for not buying dog meat . After eating this way for a while I would get chronic constipation and constantly get " the bug that was going around " ( even though you would never get it ) . I would talk about how hard it is to be healthy and lose weight . If you ever questioned me I would tell you that the world is a brutal place and that you should stop being so naive and get used to it .
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" ' Of course we may eat fruit from the trees in the garden , ' the woman replied . It 's only the fruit from the tree in the middle of the garden that we are not allowed to eat . God said , ' You must not eat it or even touch it ; if you do , you will die . ' " Genesis 3 : 2 - 3 Now , Eve , is being tempted here and she is trying to prove her case as we all do when we are tempted . Funny we can change things around and make every excuse for why we should other than why we shouldn 't . But what stands out to me is this . Why did God place that tree in the middle of the garden ? I mean right smack dab in the middle ? Why not place it off in the corner some place where they wouldn 't see it daily and be tempted by it ? I must say I have been pondering this question . " The Lord God placed the man in the Garden of Eden to tend and watch over it . but the Lord God warned him , ' you may freely eat the fruit of the every tree in the garden - except the tree of the knowledge of good and evil . If you eat its fruit , you are sure to die . ' " Genesis 2 : 15 - 17 My thoughts ? Well , our lives are surrounded by temptation . Where is temptation usually ? It isn 't in the corner of our life , it is right smack dab in the middle of everything ! Was God making a point here ? Have I totally been missing something ? " Therefore , dear brothers and sisters , you have no obligation to do what your sinful nature urges you to do . For if you live by its dictates , you will die . but if through the power of the Spirit you put to death the deeds of your sinful nature , you will live . " Romans 8 : 12 - 13 We battle temptation daily , sometimes moment by moment , but the amazing thing is , as we are faced with temptation in the middle of everyday , we can fight it ! The Holy Spirit gives us all we need to move away from it , turn from it , and leave it in its tracks . We are no different than Eve . Oh sure , we try to say we are , but we are tempted just as she was and we make excuses placing blame on others . Oh , how we love to point the finger when we fall into sin . Eve was blaming Adam and Satan and Adam was blaming Eve and Satan . Satan is not called the prince of lies for nothing . He is the great deceiver . We are deceived by the temptations that are in the middle of our day to day lives . " Do not love the world nor the things if offers you , for when you love the world , you do not have the love of the Father in you . For the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure , a craving for everything we see , and pride in our achievements and possessions . There are not from the Father , but are from this world . And this world is fading away , along with everything that people crave . But anyone who does what pleases God will live forever . " 1 John 2 : 15 - 17 Eve was craving the fruit . Not fruit from the good tree , but fruit that would bring death . How long do you think she enjoyed that bite of fruit before she was wishing she had never taken a bite ? Just like us , right ? We give in , but for a second and that sin we thought just minor and mighty enjoyable for a few minutes brings much that we were not looking for . Isn 't that how sin works ? It isn 't lasting , but the effects of it are . Sin is lasting . It doesn 't just touch us , but everyone around us . Death ? What kind of death was God speaking of ? There is physical death and spiritual death . We can be walking dead . We can be sitting in our church pew every Sunday dead as can be . Sure , our heart might be beating , but we don 't have a pulse . Sin is sin . Temptation is not sin . Only when we give into it does it become sin . We might ask ourselves , " How in the world did I get to this place ? " One sin at a time . We can awaken from our spiritual death by turning from that sin . We must acknowledge the sin . Ask forgiveness of the sin . Pray for strength to over come the sin and courage to turn from the temptation to do it again . Our flesh is weak . Satan knows each and every weakness . Why do you think he throws temptation in our face at our weakest moments ? " God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation . Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him . And remember , when you are being tempted , do not say , ' God is tempting me . ' God is never tempted to do wrong , and he never tempts anyone else . Temptation comes from our own desires , which entice us and drag us away . These desires give birth to sinful actions . And when sin is allowed to grow , it gives birth to death . So don 't be misled , my dear brothers and sisters . " James 1 : 12 - 16 That temptation right smack dab in the middle of our lives will do everything it can to have us give in to it , just as Eve did . We can fight temptation . It doesn 't have to lead to sin . When we are tempted might we remember the promises of God and know that what He has for us is lasting ! There is a fruit we are to eat of . There is a fruit we are to multiply in our lives . If we stay focused on that and place it in the middle of everything we do , it will give strength in those times of our weakness . The more we put it on and the more we share it , the more blessings there are to flow right in the middle of our lives ! " But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives : love , joy , peace , patience , kindness , goodness , faithfulness , gentleness , and self control . There is no law against these things ! " Galatians 5 : 22 - 23 We face the day with trepidation . We want to soar , but we are not quite sure we can make it off the the ground . We wake wanting to feel refreshed and all we feel like doing is crawling back under the blankets . No one really knows what we are facing . We have kept quiet for so long . We don 't want others knowing . We don 't want pity . We just need love . We need someone to care . Does anyone care ? Just think what would happen if all we did was love . I mean really unselfishly love those around us . We would see friends soar . We would witness miracles happen as people threw off their worries and grabbed a hold of the hope that is no longer out of reach . Think you can 't encourage another ? Is it just not your gift ? I think we just don 't think we can be of much help . What would we say ? We can all encourage . It 's simple . Send a text of just , " Hello , I 'm thinking about you . " Email one across the miles . Pick up the phone and let another hear your voice of compassion . Send a card to make one smile . Ask a friend over for lunch . Hop on in your car and visit that girl friend you haven 't seen in ages . Give a gift certificate to a favorite restaurant . Share a favorite book that changed your life . Just give of your time . Time shows another you love them . Reaching out shows one you care . Most importantly pray for that friend in need . You never know just what your one act of encouragement will do for another . God has perfect timing and He wants you to allow Him to move through you . He wants us to be His hands and feet . Encouragement is a gift we all could use more of . Don 't you think ? Encouragement brings life to a troubled soul and gives us the motivation to make it through one more day . One more hour . One more minute . Open your heart to another and see just what God can do with a little of your time . If you have stopped in on a Friday you may have noticed there was not a Lets Chat spot appearing . I want to share with you that Lets Chat isn 't over , it 's just on hold for a bit . I love Fridays and I love interviewing people . This highlight has been a rich blessing in my life , but it is time I take a step back for a bit and look at the view . Not my view , but God 's view . I have been spending time in prayer asking God , " What direction do You want me to go ? " I haven 't heard a definite answer yet , so I am waiting and trying hard to be still . When you love to write , or maybe I should say , when writing is your passion , it 's pretty hard to sit back and wait . He hasn 't told me to put my writing on hold , but He is asking me to expand my vision . I jot down everything that seems to have meaning . I have all these notes and it 's like trying to put a puzzle together . Finding where all the pieces fit is not always easy . It is a journey and I gotta say , as I sit back and try to soak it all in I find a great assurance in the fact that God is doing the leading . I just want to make sure I do the following . See , I am not sure if I am to move into Fiction or Non - Fiction . Being part of the ACFW has opened my eyes to so much and I am learning from some pretty amazing people . I think after I attend the conference in September I will have a better understanding of just where I am to be and what I am to do . Maybe I am not to publish a book at all . Maybe I am to continue this ministry . I just am not sure . I know I have a story to tell . We all do . But I am not sure as how to tell my story . It would be amazing to do it through a Fiction series , but also opening my heart and being transparent in a Non - Fiction area would be equally amazing . Do you see my dilemma ? Have you too felt this struggle before ? God has been opening door after door for me and I am so humbled by His presence in my life . His guidance is everything . In writing we can get caught up in so much . We tend to look over and see how many people are stopping in . We place our acceptance on those comments below . We judge our ministry by the emails we receive . Ah , it sounds like there are times we can just be stuck in that place of , " What do others think of my writing ? " I don 't want to be in that place . Sure , it is nice and humbling to hear from others . It is wonderful to hear from your readers just how they have been blessed by what they have read . I find it overwhelmingly awesome that a person can just stop by out of the blue on a night when they just happen to come across something that is what they needed to hear . When you hear their story that is just more of a confidence you are where you are suppose to be in your writing . With that being said , I want to be in a place where I am totally searching God 's will and His leading . I want to be totally surrendered to His voice and not my own . I want to be totally transparent and there is so much to share . So , how much do you share ? My son asked me last night , " Mom , if I tell my story do you know how many people will judge me ? " My answer to him was , " Is it more important for one person to hear your message and be changedTHUNDER DOG : A Blind Man , His Guide Dog , and the Triumph of Trust at Ground Zero by MICHAEL HINGSON and SUZY FLORY It was 12 : 30 a . m . on 9 / 11 and Roselle whimpered at Michael 's bedside . A thunderstorm was headed east , and she could sense the distant rumbles while her owners slept . As a trained guide dog , when she was " on the clock " nothing could faze her . But that morning , without her harness , she was free to be scared , and she nudged Michael 's hand with her wet nose as it draped over the bedside toward the floor . She needed him to wake up . With a busy day of meetings and an important presentation ahead , Michael slumped out of bed , headed to his home office , and started chipping away at his daunting workload . Roselle , shivering , took her normal spot at his feet and rode out the storm while he typed . By all indications it was going to be a normal day . A busy day , but normal nonetheless . Until they went into the office . What are my thoughts ? This is by far one beautiful story . A true story that points to a mighty God and the love between a man and his dog . I often say , " God brought Daisy into my life for a reason and a purpose . " That purpose was to save my life . You will love this story of faith and trust . Michael opens his heart and gives us a glimpse of what life was like for him on this tragic day of 9 / 11 , but also a story of his life . The struggles and blessings along the way that made him the man he is today . This is a story of hope , life and love between a man and his friend , Roselle . This book is wonderfully written and told with such grace . With a thankful heart and faith we are brought to a place that Michael couldn 't even see , but through his courage we are able to see clearly the impact this day made on his life and how faith brought him through leaving him with a thankful heart . Don 't you just love stories like this ? I do . I love when people share their story . Through this story you will find hope and a challenge to face each day with new faith knowing God is forever with us . This book was a gift from Thomas Nelson for it 's review . When there is no end in sight turn to the One who gives light We wake with such disappointment . What we expected has turned into the unexpected . Our smile that formed so easy on Monday has now turned to a frown on Friday . Life seems to change so very quickly . It 's like driving down that country road on a brightly lit Sunday night as all is quiet and there it happens before the blink of an eye . A deer crosses your path and a life comes to an end . Ever feel as though your seatbelt was not on tight enough ? The car seems to stop so abruptly and your thrown from the comfort of your seat . Now your left with trying to understand what has happened . Nothing seems right and you have no idea how it all fell apart . Sound like your life today ? Was everything going smoothy until you woke this morning ? Maybe those divorce papers arrived for signing today . Maybe the money you thought was there for the house payment hasn 't been there for months and now you find yourself packing . Life seems to happen with no regard for our feelings . We can feel such inadaqacy and sorrow as we watch others smile at the blessings in front of them today . As we are dressing for the funeral we never expected another family is bringing home the precious baby that has arrived after years of praying . We can have those days where nothing seems to go right and everything seems to come out of left field . What do you do with a daughter who will not give you a chance ? What happens when you have tried to help your son who is addicted to drugs and he will not accept your help or love ? We take care of our aging parents and our children who are tenderly small . We go through the day trying to move about and make sense of it all . Sometimes life just doesn 't make sense . There seems no ryhme or reason for the day we face . The day seems to go on forever and we can 't wait for night . We can 't wait to close our eyes and escape the pain . We run from it . We try to hide , but it 's always there . Pain and sorrow are unescapable from this life . What do we except from life ? Do we really expect a pain free life , when it was life that our SavMorning does come . The sun does shine again and we are able to feel alive once more . When life happens all we can do is call upon the Lord and trust Him . Even when a mess is dropped on us , He can create beauty in us and through us . I think when we accept Christ as our Savior we think life will be different . I should say , not different , but without sorrow and pain . We think that the evils of this world will not touch us any longer . We couldn 't be more wrong . Attacks do not stop coming with Christ in our life , we are now fitted for the battle . He supplies us with a strength we didn 't know possible . He sends armies of hope to surround us to bring us through the valley of dispair . He gives light to the darkness around us and fills us with a peace we have never known before . He stands in the gap and makes a way for us . " Not that I have already attained , or am already perfected ; but I press on , that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me . Brethren , I do not count myself to have apprehended ; but one thing I do , forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead , I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus . " Philippians 3 : 12 - 14 We mustn 't find ourselves looking downcast and giving up . There is nothing but more sorrow in giving up . When we look to the Lord , He will send what we need . He will provide in our moment of weakness and strengthen us for that hour of despair . In just saying His name , JESUS , we have hope . I have been there in the darkness of destruction . You think all hope is gone and nothing will ever get better . I have wanted everything to just end and in that moment when I think I cannot hang on any longer , I hear the sweet voice of Jesus . He not only brought me through those times I didn 't think I would survive , but He showed me His mighty mercy in the middle of the night . " Be anxious for nothing , but in everything by prayer and supplication , with thanksgiving , let your requests be made known to God ; and the peace of God , which surpasses all understanding , will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus . " Philippians 4 : 6 - 7 I can tell you things do not always turn out as I would have them . Problems are still arising . My life is not void of pain , but is filled completely with hope . I know even when I cannot see the end in sight , Jesus does . He knows what is around every corner in life for me . He will never leave me alone to fight any battle without Him . I feel His strength today like never before . In part , I know that is because I have witnessed His goodness and mercy . I have felt His hand touch me and lift me out of the water . I cannot understand the reasoning of others or the pain they want to cause . I am not able to understand when things turn south and I am left with a look of a deer caught in the headlights . But , I trust in the One who does . Nothing touches my life that He does not know about . That brings me great comfort . It doesn 't make the pain easier . It is a different comfort . It 's a comfort in knowing , He knows . There is purpose in pain . Our bodies scream out pain letting us know something is wrong . Many times it is a warning to something that could have brought much danger . In my discomfort , God lets me know , " It 's not all about you daughter . " I know He always has a higher purpose and His plan is filled with love to only bring me closer to Him . It 's hard at times to see a purpose in such pain , isn 't it ? We think a loving God would not cause us to go through so much . He doesn 't cause it , but He does allow it . But do we ever wonder how much pain He keeps from touching us ? How much is going on around us that He has taken care of before it has ever reached our doorstep ? We rejoice in everything good that happens . Maybe we too should learn to rejoice in the struggle that touches our lives . I know , without it I would not be where I am with Christ today . I am that girl who has to be reminded to humble myself and stretch myself beyond all measure for the greater cause . That greater cause is Jesus Christ . Friend , whatever is touching you today , there is hope . Don 't give up and don 't give in . Reach out ask for help . Don 't try to goWednesday , July 27 , 2011 Andy Stanley is AWESOME ! ! I opened this book and did not put it down until I was finished ! I love how the Lord sends a book my way just when I need it . Perfection only by God ! Do you have a heart problem ? Lets put it this way , you may have a heart problem and not even know it . I did , or should say , I do . I have been holding in such anger and had no idea why . The very things I thought I was angry at wasn 't even the problem . I had to dig deeper . Andy takes us through our heart conditions that effect every facet of our lives . Anger , guilt , jealousy and greed . If we do not carry these in our heart we know someone who is . They effect everyone at some point in our lives . The point is , how do we rid ourselves of them ? Andy takes us through each one and not only shows us what the symptoms are , but the cure . Yes , he points us to healing . Change doesn 't happen overnight , but we must make a choice within to begin change . Once we can identify our heart condition God can begin His work in us . I grabbed my pen and just began underlining statement after statement . Such poignant and powerful words for a bleeding heart . The very first verse , Andy Stanley , uses is , " The Heart is deceitful above all things , and desperately sick ; who can understand it ? Jeremiah 17 : 9 This verse brought such clarity to me . I try so hard to understand what is going on in my own life and I just can 't . I often sit back and say , " Where in the world did that come from ? " We can 't understand sin . We cannot understand why others treat us badly . We can 't understand attack with any kind of reason , until we look deep into the heart ! If something is not right , I can almost promise you there is a heart condition that hasn 't been diagnosed yet . Here are some of my favorites from the book ! " As we 've seen , each of the enemies of the heart we 're discussing is energized by the idea that somebody owes something . Guilt says , " I owe you . " Anger is fueled by the notion that you owe me . Greed is kept alive by the assumption that I owe me . This fourth heart issue is no different . Jealousy . Jealousy says , " God owes me . " " God 's forgiveness doesn 't exempt you from the responsibility for confession and restitution . On the contrary , his forgiveness is the very reason to confess . God paid a high price to reconcile you back to him , and now he 's calling on you to pay the price to reconcile yourself to debts that have been neglected , apologies never made - these are things God will eventually lead us to own and resolve . How does He do this ? Through nagging , undeniable , irritating sense of guilt that follows you around like a bad cold . you won 't be able to confess it away or pray it away . " This book is filled with great wisdom and it is wisdom that this girl needed . I feel like I have every tool I need to overcome my heart condition . Since I shared my heart condition is anger , I too must share with you the four phases I must go through to healing . 1 . Identify who your angry with 2 . Determine what they owe you 3 . Cancel the debt 4 . Dismiss the case . This is one of those books I would encourage you to pick up . I am so glad I did . To Andy I say , Thank you with all my heart ! ! This book was a gift from Waterbrook Multnomah Publishing for it 's review . Andy Stanley is a pastor , communicator , author , and the founder of North Point Ministries , Inc . ( NPM ) . Since its inception in 1995 , North Point Ministries has grown from one campus to five in the Atlanta area and has helped plant more than thirty strategic partner churches globally . Each Sunday , more than twenty - five thousand people attend worship services at one of North Point Ministries ' five campuses . Andy 's books include Communicating for a Change , The Next Generation Leader , Visioneering , and How Good is Good Enough ? Andy lives in Alpharetta , Georgia , with his wife , Sandra , and their children . Monday , July 25 , 2011 Tracie Peterson has taken me to Alaska , Montana and now Texas . What an experience it is to travel along with Tracie . In her newest series , Striking A Match , we meet Deborah Vandermark . What a life this young girl leads . In the beginning of the series with book 1 , Embers Of Love , we meet her best friend , Lizzie Decker . They have gone to school together , something many girls of this time didn 't have the chance to do . Lizzie isn 't so sure she wants to wed a man she doesn 't love so she travels to Texas with Deborah . Life is totally different for Lizzie in Texas . She is use to the comfort of having everything done for her and now she will learn how to do those things for herself . She is shocked at how things are so different in the south . Deborah lost her father to a logging accident and her brother was badly injured . Guilt has become part of G . W 's life . Deborah already has her sights set for playing match maker . We follow the love that is kindling between G . W and Lizzie , but we too get to see Deborah and the new doctor in town , Christopher Clayton , begin a friendship . Deborah wants to continue in her schooling , but carrying a bit of guilt herself . She doesn 't want to leave her family again . Christopher begins teaching her as she stands side by side him as he cares for the people of this beautiful land . Book 2 , Hearts A Glow , continues with the story line of Deborah 's life . This logging town suffers much . We see the challenges come and they overcome trial after trial . Some trials leave a scar as we witness in this wonderful story . Deborah fights the battles of her own heart . I love how Tracie Peterson brings the reader into the heart of the character . These are the same battles we fight among ourselves daily and we see that God has a plan and through Him we can prevail and see blessings through each and every trial we face . The series ends with book 3 , Hope Rekindled . I do not want to spoil the story for you . That seems to happen as we read reviews that tell the entire story line . I will tell you , Deborah and ChristopTracie Peterson is the award - winning author of over eighty novels , both historical and contemporary . Her avid research resonates in her stories , as seen in her bestselling Heirs of Montana , and Alaskan Quest series . Tracie and her family make their home in Montana . Visit Tracie 's Web site at www . traciepeterson . com and her blog at www . writespassage . blogspot . com . We all have one . Most of the time it 's in the kitchen hidden by the look of the smooth cabinet drawer . Yes , that junk drawer . Why ? We all seem to have that one drawer in which we throw every unwanted item . Why do we not throw it away ? Wouldn 't that be easier ? No , we want to hang on to it . You never know if your going to need it , right ? But then , we never use it . Most of the time we don 't even really know what it is used for , so what happens ? One Saturday we pull that drawer open and say to our bored selves , " Ya know , I think I am going to clean this thing out . " We begin the task and we even make piles . Those gadgets to throw away , those gadgets to maybe keep and those gadgets that we must ask someone else if they belong to them . Okay , most of the time I have no idea who these gadgets belong to and for some reason they have ended up in my drawer . Every once in a while we will pick something up and say , " Well , there that is . I have been looking all over for this . " Well , gosh , why didn 't I just look in the drawer that contains everything ? Not unlike our junk drawers our lives can be filled with clutter . It seems we are hanging on to things we didn 't even know were there until something happens causing the dam to burst and the flood gates open . Other times we are holding on to other people 's stuff . We seem to take on burdens of others and even after they have let them go , for some reason we find we are still there holding on to them . Why ? Why do we hold on to so much stuff ? And to make it worse , it 's old stuff . Stuff that doesn 't matter any more . Stuff that can 't be used and it 's stuff that is only taking up space . Think of all the things we could use that drawer for . We wait to declutter our lives until they are so jam packed we don 't know where to begin . So , we begin making piles . This hurt was from years ago , but I am still holding on to it . This pain is from today . I am not sure how this is going to turn out yet , so I might need to hold on to this . Yes , there is that tomorrow pile too . Things that haven 't even ha " Finally , brethren , whatever things are true , whatever things are noble , whatever things are just , whatever things are pure , whatever things are lovely , whatever things are of good report , if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy - meditate on these things . " Philippians 4 : 8 " Let all bitterness , wrath , anger , clamor , and evil speaking be put away from you , with all malice . And be kind to one another , tenderhearted , forgiving one another , even as God in Christ forgave you . " Ephesians 4 : 31 - 32 What a read ! The latest book I have pulled off my shelf is , " The Dead Saint " , by Marilyn Brown Oden . The cover of this book says it all . You throw in a New Orleans Saint , cross hairs , and the White House and you have yourself a story that keeps you captivated all the way to the last page . Here is how Abingdon Press describes , " The Dead Saint . " It begins with a single gunshot , and Bishop Lynn Peterson watches in horror as a good friend , who is a member of the New Orleans Saints , collapses on the street . When a medal the player wore - a medal Lynn had promised to return to the man 's family - disappears , Lynn is thrust into a suspenseful and fast - moving journey through four assassinations , an attempt on her life , conflicts with a mysterious and ancient society , and a behind - the - scenes conspiracy that reaches all the way to the White House . The turbulent , unstoppable intrigue challenges Lynn mentally , physically , and spiritually as she engages in a desperate battle with an opponent who is just as determined to kill as Lynn is to stop him even though she has no idea where - or who - he will strike next . What are my thoughts ? I enjoyed this book . You begin to wonder , " How much can one person take ? " Well , we see that the Lord not only will carry you through , but will give you the strength to stand against the evils of this world . The main character , Bishop Lynn Peterson , is a world traveler . It seems her life is filled with adventure . She is one of those women willing to take risks and step out of her comfort zone . I admire that . She now has a mission to carry out , but someone is trying to stop her . The truth always prevails . This book is a combination of many things . Suspense , intrigue , and conspiracy all wound up in this thriller that keeps you captivated until the last page . This book was a gift from Abingdon Press for it 's review . Marilyn Brown Oden is the award - winning author of ten previous books , including Crested Butte : A Novel . She enjoys good times with family and friends , walks to the Santa Fe Plaza , and cross - country skiing in the moonlight . Her life is enriched through experiences on five continents with diverse people - refugees , Gypsies , the physically challenged , women in prison , prime ministers , royalty , and presidents . Two encounters reshaped her worldview : visiting refugee centers in the war zones of Bosnia - Herzegovina during the NATO bombiWednesday , July 20 , 2011 The latest book I have read is , Shrouded In Silence , by Robert L . Wise . The amazing thing about reading is there is something for everyone . Here is the description Abingdon Press has about Shrouded In Silence . Determined to find an answer , Jack and Michelle Townsend set out on a quest to find the original ending to the Gospel of Mark . Following ancient clues , they head for Rome , but what starts out as a scholarly search turns violent as two separate groups strive to stop the Townsends , plunging their quiet research into chaos . After a bomb destroys their office , the Townsends are pushed to the limits of their determination and commitment to God 's will . Can faith in God 's purposes endure in a swirl of conspiracy and espionage that brings the couple to the brink of death ? " This is a story of well - hidden biblical secrets that have endured throughout the ages and of a couple 's devotion to finding the truth . It 's a story fraught with death , danger , and deception - - of never knowing who to trust , and with a twist of an ending I didn 't see coming . Great read ! " - - Sharon Sala , author of The Searcher 's Trilogy : Blood Stains , Blood Ties , Blood Trails Something I have learned in doing book reviews is you don 't want me to tell you the complete story line . You also don 't want to know all the secrets and how the book ends . That simply spoils the book for you . A book report is not what I am to do . I am to give you my thoughts and share with you if I enjoyed the book or if it is one I wouldn 't recommend . So , what are my thoughts ? I wanted to love this book so very much . The story line is awesome . It would be great on the big screen . Most of the time I would rather read the book instead of watch the movie . This wasn 't the case here . I never got connected to the characters . You might say I wanted more . I needed more conversation between the characters to draw me in . I felt almost as if in certain parts I was reading another language . It was just one of those books that didn 't do it for me . You may read it and have a totally diffeTuesday , July 19 , 2011 I have been spending time reading , " Crazy Love " , by Francis Chan , and last night I came across something he shared . " Having faith often means doing what others see as crazy . Something is wrong when our lives make sense to unbelievers . " Isn 't that wonderful ? It was just what I needed to hear at the moment . I sat and pondered over these words . We always try to figure the world and it 's actions out . We simply cannot . If we are living in our Christian faith and seeking God on every level , we will not understand why the world does what it does . Just as if we are living our Christian faith , the world is not going to understand us . There are going to be times when we look simply crazy . Our lives and the world are not to match up . If our lives are making sense to the world / unbelievers , then something is wrong . That was profound for me . This is where we seem to butt heads with others and have disagreements that make us cringe . If someone doesn 't believe in God there is no amount of talking that is going to make them see your point of view or the stand you are taking . Doesn 't that bring a peace to your heart ? It does mine . I spend so much time trying to figure things out . I have said of late , " This is just crazy , nothing is making any sense . " The world isn 't going to make sense to me if I am looking through faith in Christ . There are times when we must just back away from a situation and pray . My heart was so overwhelmed when I went to bed last night . I was trying to understand the troubles that were taking place and understand the actions of others and as I read I came across this and it was like the Lord just blanketed me with comfort . I could feel His love wash over me . Have you ever done that with something you have read ? I love how God is at work always . He knows exactly what we need and brings His blessings at the perfect moment . When it seems that we are at war with our family or friends you rack your brain trying to make sense of what just happened . We spend more time trying to figure it out than we do in prayer ov " See what kind of love the Father has given to us , that we should be called children of God ; and so we are . The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him . " 1 John 3 : 1 One of my most cherished times of the past is when my children would get so excited for bedtime . You ask , " What ? Excited for bed ? " Well , they knew after bath time , everyone crawled in mommy 's bed for a good read . We would spend hours at the library picking out books . They would get a few they could read and pick out those that they wanted me to read to them . I remember that sweet sound of , " Momma , peeez read it again . " With a smile and a joy in my heart I would read again and again . Now , I find myself wishing we could go back to such a simple time . Such a sweet time . We turned each page and the kids would take time looking at each picture . You could just see their little minds churning . For the most part , they knew how the story ended . We had picked out books and read the same ones over and over again , but they didn 't care . It was a time they loved . It was a win - win for all of us . I was filled with a joy over the moon as I read and they opened their hearts and minds to a sweet time I hope they forever remember . As I crawled into bed last night those memories came swimming through my mind . I covered up with a smile over my face as I grabbed the book next to me and removed the book mark . It was one of those " aha " moments . I realized that this memory of mine is a very real emotion with my Savior . I just envisioned as I open my bible and turn the pages of His Word , He is overjoyed at the time we are sharing . That is a time when we grow closer . A daughter sitting on the lap of her Father as He speaks His Word to my heart . I imagine all the time I am reading , He is praying , " Please let her always remember . " I imagine my Savior has the same thoughts as me . I know He misses me when am absent from His lap . As much as we love spending time with our children , can you imagine how much more , He loves spending time with us ? It 's as though He is calling to me , " Rob , it 's almost time for bed . You have had your whole day to yourself . Please come spend some time with Me . " Can you hear Him too ? We know He is calling , but yet we conMonday , July 18 , 2011 Before I begin my review I want to share some things about David C . Cook publishing . In reviewing , I have the opportunity to work with many publishers and authors . This has been a great blessing to me . I teach Junior High Awana or Trek on Wednesday nights at church . A group of kids searching for answers . A group of kids that tugged at my heart . I wanted to bless this youth group with something special , but it just was not in our budget . I contacted David C . Cook through email and shared this with them . I am not sure what I expected , but I believe God was at work beforehand . David C . Cook Publishing not only gave me a book for review , but they blessed me with twenty books for my students to read throughout the summer . Can you believe it ? This is a group that is reaching out to the world and sharing the gospel of Christ . Through this one act of love and kindness only God knows the blessings that are to follow . To them , I want to say , Thank you . Here is what David C . Cook has to say about Crazy Love : It 's crazy , if you think about it . The God of the universe - the Creator of nitrogen and pine needles , galaxies and E - minor - loves us with a radical , unconditional , self - sacrificing love . And what is our typical response ? We go to church , sing songs , and try not to cuss . Does something deep inside your heart long to break free from the status quo ? Are you hungry for an authentic faith that addresses the problems of our world with tangible , even radical , solutions ? God is calling you to a passionate love relationship with Himself . Because the answer to religious complacency isn 't working harder at a list of do 's and don ' ts - it 's falling in love with God . And once you encounter His love , as Francis describes it , you will never be the same . Check out Francis Chan 's video blog at francischanblog . blogspot . com . What are my thoughts about Crazy Love ? It seemed everyone around me has been reading this book . I was curious and then the leaders of our college age ministry at church began teaching it . I wanted to see what this book was all about . Of all the books I have read , this is in the top three . This book is life changing ! Francis Chan has been blessed by God to share the love of Christ in such a way that you not only hear the gospel message , but you are able to see it . He is so passionate and creative in his words . He brings us to look deep within ourselves . This book is challenging and motivating . Each chapter brings something unique . I can tell you I cried as I read the words in this book . It brought me to a place I didn 't want to go . I had to realize I was this lukewarm Christian he is speaking of . I am this Christian living for Christ , but placing myself first in many situations . This book is not only powerful , but poignant . There is also a video that you can purchase to go along with the book . It is a ten week study . Although I didn 't do the study , I can only imagine how powerful it is if the book is this awesome . This would be great for young adults , college groups and yes , adults . This is one of those books that everyone should read . As I held this book in my hands I read over and over different paragraphs that just stood out to me . It was as if Christ was reaching into my soul and saying , " I love you . We can have so much more . " If you are looking to have an intimate relationship with Christ this book is for you . It will change your life and bring you to open God 's Word and read it over as if it was your first time . This Book was a gift from David C . Cook Publishing for it 's review . Francis Chan is the best - selling author of Crazy Love and Forgotten God and the host of theBASIC . series . He has also written the children 's books Halfway Herbert , The Big Red Tractor and the Little Village and Ronnie Wilson 's Gift . Francis is the founding pastor of Cornerstone Church in Simi Valley , California , and is the founder of Eternity Bible College . He also sits on the board of directors of Children 's Hunger Fund and World Impact . Francis lives in California with his wife , Lisa , and their four children . Email : mailto : talk @ francischan . org We love to point out sin don 't we ? Well , just not ours or the ones we are willing to accept . We seem to place a price tag on sin . You have bad sin and you have not so bad sin . We try to say , " Oh , murder is a big sin . " While on the other hand we say , " Oh , gossip isn 't that big of a deal . " Friends , sin is sin . Sin is ugly and none of us want to admit we have it . We like to point to others . We even like to pretend as Christians our sin isn 't as bad as say , someone who isn 't saved . Ever wonder why people don ' tlike the church ? Oh , it 's not the pastor or even what is being preached . It 's the people who seem to hold themselves above all others . We have all done it at one time or another . Shame on us . Shame on me . I know I have looked upon others and said to myself , " I would never do such a thing . " What is it they say , " Never say never ? " A few days ago I had simply made a post on face book about sin . I had no idea it would receive such a response . Why is it that we some how find ourselves standing up for sin that we know is wrong ? There are those sins that this world tells us we must accept . If we do not we are considered to be judging . Any time we stand up for something that is biblically wrong we seem to get opposition . Now , we shouldn 't live by just our opinion . Our opinion can get us into lots of trouble . We must live by God 's Word and His Word alone . He doesn 't need our man made rules thrown in there . I think we have trouble enough living out the ten commandments . Now , what if we all wore signs ? Yes , signs with our sin around our neck . Do you think we would feel comfortable as others read our sign ? If I were in say , Walmart and there was a man standing in the toy aisle with child molester around his neck do you think people might grab onto their children and pull them to safety ? If our sins were made known to the public we might think twice about committing them or would we ? Maybe your sin would be acceptable to the world . Even if it is it doesn 't mean that it is not a sin . Sin is sin . Just because we may accept one " For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son , that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life . For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world , but that the world through Him might be saved . " John 3 : 16 " But God demonstrates His own love toward us , in that while we were still sinner , Christ died for us . Much more then , having now been justified by His blood , we shall be saved from wrath through Him . " Romans 5 : 8 - 9 " There is none righteous , no , not one ; There is none who understands ; There is none who seeks after God . They have all turned aside ; They have together become unprofitable ; There is none who does good , no , not one . " Romans 3 : 10 - 12 " The thief does not come except to steal , and to kill , and to destroy . I have come that they may have life , and that they may have it more abundantly . " John 10 : 10 " Therefore be imitators of God as dear children . And walk in love , as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us , an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet smelling aroma . " Ephesians 5 : 1 - 2 " And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness , but rather expose them . For it is shameful even to speak of those things which are done by them in secret . But all things that are exposed are made manifest by the light , for whatever makes manifest is light . Therefore He says : Awake , you who sleep , arise from the dead , and Christ will give you light . " Ephesians 5 : 11 - 14 My husband loves to grow a garden . He grew up on a farm , so gardening comes natural to him . When we were first married I took it upon myself to surprise him by putting out the garden . He was off at work and I just thought , " It will make his day when he sees this . " I had no idea of gardening . I purchased all the plants I knew he wanted to put out . I got the soil ready to go and started planting . Now , may I remind you , I have no idea what I am doing . You know , as you make the rows they are suppose to all be one way and well , there is just a way to plant and a way to place everything perfectly . As my husband came home he took one look at the garden and didn 't say a word . There was just this huge grin covering his face . He was excited to see that I tried . I put a lot of work into that garden . Lots of sweat and this girl hates to sweat more than anything . I planted everything the way I thought it should look . I didn 't make straight rows and I didn 't plant every same plant in each row . I made that garden pretty ! Yes , that 's right , you heard me . I put peppers next to tomatoes and flowers next to pickles . I looked like a garden maze . lol Needless to say , my husband moved things around and placed them in order . As I watched him , he showed me how to plant a garden . Now , even though I like things to look a certain way , I know there is a right way and a wrong way to go about it . A garden takes time . You dig up that soil . You get the fertilizer in the dirt . You plant the seed . You water those little seeds and you sit back and pray . Sometimes you have a great garden that year . Everything seems to come in at once and you can begin to can all of your work , saving it for the fall and winter to place upon your table . A garden needs the right sun light , the right amount of water and it will not grow without oxygen . It 's just that simple . Without those things your garden will surely die . You too must hoe your garden removing all those weeds . If the weeds begin to grow they can choke a plant and it will not survive . Now , if you are a farmer and have a big field , well you know each year you rotate your crops . One year you plant one thing and you switch it up the next year . That makes the soil more fertile and ready for that next year . If you were to speak to my father - in - law he would very wisely share with you that there is a perfect day and time to plant everything . He plants by the Almanac . There is a time to plant in the summer and in the fall . In the spring everything is being rejuvenated and in the winter all is at rest . Of course we too know that in the fall there is time for harvesting . A season for all . Just what if we looked at life the same way ? We work so hard at planting seeds . We are an impatient people . We want those seeds to flower and sprout new growth right then . Some plants take longer to grow . Each and every one go through their own process . We can 't hurry them along . I am known to kill a plant with love very quickly . I love them to death . Yes , I pass by and think , " I better water that plant . " Not long after , that poor plant has died of root rot . We must plant and pray . We need to allow God to do the weed eating and tilling . That hoe belongsI have heard farmers say they put their blood and sweat into the fields and hope for the best . We too must hope for the best . Everything doesn 't turn a profit that year . Sometimes it takes many years for that crop to produce . You have dry years and years where the rains come and seem to flood out all hope . We are surrounded by farmers . The farms around us are grown by families who have pastured their land down through many generations . I 'm sure if you ask them they would tell you they are now reaping the benefits of those who have come before them and worked so hard to care for the land . So , like my first garden , I learned it 's okay if it 's not perfect . It 's okay that it needed extra attention . The point is , I tried . I planted those seeds with a smile on my face in hopes of a great harvest . We get so caught up in fear of turning one away or offending another if we witness to them . When we feel the Spirit move that is the time to plant those seeds . God will take care of the rest . All we must do is plant , plant and plant . Just think of the hope that each seed carries . We might see some seeds that lay dormant for a while . Just because we are not witnessing anything happening doesn 't mean that they are not going through the process of growth . We must take care in that we don 't over water a seed . Everything in moderation . Timing is everything . God 's timing is perfect . As He is moving us to plant , He is willing and readying that seed for growth . Friends , don 't lose heart when you share Christ with friends and family and you see nothing happening . God is still at work . It is our job to continue praying . A garden is not easy . It is hard work and it is continual work . God breathes life into those seeds we plant . All He needs is us to be willing to put in the hours in the garden . I have seen my husband in the garden on his knees as he plants those seeds . As we plant the seed of Salvation into the hearts of friends , neighbors , and family , we too should be spending time on our knees . It 's amazing what just a little Son lightSaturday , July 16 , 2011 As I pull out of the drive on our country road I look both ways and say a prayer of protection . As my husband cares for our car he always tells me , " Now , try to stay clear of those pot holes . " Pot holes can do damage to your car . One of the most damaging things is to be off balance . Your car just doesn 't move right . It doesn 't flow any longer . The wheel pulls to one side and you are fighting it all the way to town and back . It 's funny , my husband , can get in our car and pull down the road a bit and ask , " Have you hit a pot hole lately ? " Now , why is it that he thinks it 's me ? lol I gotta tell ya , sometimes I see them up ahead and no matter how much I try to miss them I still end up falling in . Life carries many kinds of pot holes . Those we are able to see up ahead and those we are blinded by . You know them . Your husband loses his job . Wham , pot hole . Your mother becomes ill and has to have a hospital stay . Wham , pot hole . It 's time for your car payment , but your car is sitting in the drive way not moving . Wham , pot hole . The fridge goes out . Wham , there 's another one . Your kitchen sink springs a link . They just about break you . You get to the point you don 't know what else to do , but just give up . They sneak up on you and you feel the bump in the road and turn around to see what it was that made that clutter . They seem to start small and then before you know it there is a hole the size of Texas in front of you . We too have ruts . You have seen them also . You can be driving down the road and your car gets in these ruts and seems to stay there . Well at least until you are bumped out and off the road . They seem to pull your car one way as you find yourself fighting that pull the whole way to town . The adult store is on the left . The girl walking to work in on the right . Starbucks in down the road , that cute guy might be there . Oh , JC Pennys is having a sale today , maybe I will just break out that credit card that is already about to burst from over due funds . It seems Satan is out to catch our eyes with every trap posFriday , July 15 , 2011 WWI is beginning to rage . Young men are lining up as they go off to battle a war they are yet to understand . In a small quaint town in France we find Juliette Toussaint , a young woman , with a strong grounded faith . Although she is adopted into the Toussaint family , she is not quite accepted . People see her as beautiful , yet strange . They know she prays and her prayers are answered . Those around her are not quite understanding her strong faith , but the gifts and works that come from it . The Toussaints and de Colvilles have had a feud for years . No one really knows the reasons or beginnings of this feud , but these families are ready to come together as the war ignites and moves through their little village unknown to the world . Juliette falls in love with one that she is forbidden to love . We see this young girl grow in faith and show a village what faith is all about . This was a lovely read . Maureen Lang brings her best and her books are page turners and leave you with a feeling of joy as you have moved to the last page . You feel as though you have completed a journey and have been part of what you have just read . Look To The East was originally released in 2009 and is now repackaged . It is book 1 of this series , followed by book 2 , Whisper On The Wind and book 3 , Springtime Of The Spirit . If you enjoy Historical Romance you will enjoy this series as it takes you back to another time and place . This book was a gift from Tyndale for it 's review . I 'm enjoying the journey of writing and doing book reviews . I am a contributor for Hearth and Home Magazine and often contribute to For God 's Glory Alone Ministries . View my complete profile There are days I get it all right . There too are days where I get it all wrong . Isn 't it a wonderful knowledge to know that each day . . . Where do I begin ? Okay , purchase this book ! Yes , that 's my first thought here . If I could purchase this book for everyone I know I wo . . . I have written many posts on Mark 5 : 25 - 34 . It is the story about the woman of suffering for twelve long years . All this time I have missed . . . Life is a daily battle , isn 't it ? It 's all we can do to just open our arms to Jesus and say , " Show me , Lord . Show me the w . . . I love a series penned by Denise Hunter . But to have a copy of a stand alone , well now , that 's even better . This is one of those unpu . . . A year ago at this time I had never heard of Casey Tygrett . Now he is one of my new favorite authors . His words in his newest book , Becoming Curious , cam . . . Anastasia Hansel is a new friend . She 's got an amazing amount of verve and passion . She 's deeply involved in Global Women in Leadership , and she loves to . . . But the people of Judah are stubborn and have turned against me . They have turned aside and gone away from me . They do not say to themselves , " We should fe . . . As of Christmas Eve of 2010 , I am officially in the type 2 diabetes club . Not the Christmas gift I ever planned to receive . It is what it is . Over the la . . .
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can express . Today our family is getting together for a meal . The house will be wonderfully loud and crazy . Some times I find myself waiting for the big things to happen and It 's November , which is also called National Novel Writing Month or NaNoWriMo , which is also called , How to Torture Yourself by Writing Fifty Thousand Words in Thirty Days or HoToYoWriFiThoWoThiDa . As a number of women in my author 's group were joining in , I figured I would try it , too . It would be good practice for me and , who knows ? Maybe I 'll end up with one of those surprise successes and be the next J . K . Rowling . First things first . I had to figure out what to write about . This didn 't take too long . I went thirty - four years into my past and decided to write a novel based on my experiences working in a deaf / blind preschool . If nothing else , there were plenty of quirky characters involved . I remember the psychologist who came to the school to offer his advice and ended up talking mostly about the good old days when one could use electric shocks and other aversion techniques . It still makes me shudder . Next ? There wasn 't really time to plan anything else . Suddenly it was November 1st and I had a word quota of approximately 1670 words per day over the next thirty days . I 've learned a few things about writing in this way : If you 're working towards a word quota , always spell everything out . One thousand , six hundred and seventy counts as more words than 1 , 670 . Don 't go back and read what you wrote . You 'll be tempted to delete something and that will take away from your word count . I was doing well with this until yesterday when one of my characters started to yawn . What 's the matter , I thought , is my writing really so boring ? He yawned again and I started yawning , too . It was contagious . I decided we all needed a day off . I announced this to my characters and let them know I would expect them back promptly the next morning . A couple of them cheered . This isn 't a new concept . I first learned of the secret lives of book characters when I read " The Eyre Affair " and " Lost in a Good Book " , both by Jasper Fforde . The characters in these books travel around and generally do whatever they want to do at those times when they aren 't needed for the story until page 178 . If you haven 't read these Thursday Next detectives stories , I would highly recommend them to anyone who enjoys intelligent literary humor and having your brain tied in knots while you try to figure out what 's going on . Even if you read it just for the bookworms , who sometimes have digestive trouble and start farting apostrophes whi ' ch make ' eve ' ry ' one ' tal ' k li ' ke thi 's , you 'll be glad you did . Anyway , it got me thinking about the characters in my story . I decided they needed a break just as much as I did . It paid off . They were all back and ready to go to work today . Nobody yawned . I didn 't ask them where they went or what they did . I figured it was their time and their business . Our family loves books . They can 't help it . Our son , Patrick , has enough books to fill a small bookstore , all in his bedroom . . and the studio . . and the back kitchen . I think there 's one in the bathroom , too . Book collecting comes to our family naturally . Chris worked at the University Library for nearly 30 years and his mother , Natalie , was the librarian and reading teacher at Notre Dame Catholic School in Denver for almost that long . Patrick is now working for a company that sells used books online . When Chris was growing up , their family read out loud every evening . It was a beautiful tradition which we continued with our own children . In fact , we used to read out loud to each other even before our children were born . P . G . Wodehouse and Pogo were my favorites . There 's only one problem when books are such a big part of one 's life . They start to take over the house . We have fantasies and mysteries , gardening books and build - it - yourself manuals . We have whole sets of Dickens , Shakespeare , J . K . Rowling , Patrick O ' Brian , Dorothy Gilman , Ellis Peters , and Agatha Christie . There are spiritual books and collections of Doonesbury cartoons . I doubt there is anywhere in our house where you couldn 't find at least one book within arm 's reach . I believe used bookstores have a magnetic pull on my family . It 's time to share . We 've loved the idea of the Little Free Libraries and decided to create our own . The website ( littlefreelibrary . org ) says this : " In its most basic form , a Little Free Library is a box full of books where anyone may stop by and pick up a book ( or two ) and bring back another book to share . " If you go to their website , you 'll see photos of some amazing Free Libraries , some looking like large birdhouses on fence posts or trees . ( Note - many people responded to the blog article which upset my daughter so much . Most bloggers responded within hours . It took me 5 days . I 'd like to say it 's because I think about things more before I respond , but it 's mostly because I 'm just slow . Emma encouraged me to post this anyway . ) that wouldn 't go away . Why ? What bothered me ? These articles are directed towards females and only females . I do understand the concern of parents regarding social media . The Okay , first the good news . Josephine is back after an attempt to hatch eggs in our back shed . She was hiding very well , but something found the eggs when she dashed off to get a bite to eat . When I finally found her , she was looking sadly at a few small pieces of egg shell , the only evidence of her hard work . She 's safe and sound and now laying her eggs in the nesting boxes . Now the bad news . Earlier this evening , I was looking out the window and saw chicken legs pointing into the air . That 's not good . Chickens will sometimes lie down in odd positions while they take a dirt bath , but I 've never seen one sleep on its back . I figured something had to be wrong and it was . Our old white hen was dead , unmistakably dead . The little x 's on her eyes were a dead giveaway . What could have happened ? My husband , Chris , had come out with me . He said something about compost and food scraps and that he didn 't think anything had hit the chickens . When I figured out what he was talking about , I looked into the pen . There was a large piece of watermelon on the ground , which obviously had been in the food scrap bucket when Chris had tossed everything over the fence . The watermelon must have bounced and turned lethal while no one was watching . I briefly considered finishing the job and preparing the old hen for dinner . This was an old hen . She was so old , she even laid wrinkled eggs . And she was scrawny . If this had been one of our large hens , there would be no way I would have passed up the opportunity for good chicken soup , but this one ? Chris convinced me it wouldn 't be worth the time and effort . . . not to mention the smell . As we dug the hole and buried her , the other hens started cackling , much in the same way they do when they lay eggs . Maybe they were worried . The old white hen hadn 't laid an egg in a few weeks . The others must have decided not to take any chances . It had been a few days since we 'd heard our bantam rooster , Napoleon , crow . Not that we were worried . Napoleon wasn 't so loud and we knew he had taken to patrolling the area just behind our fence , which made him harder to hear . No , Napoleon had been with us a long time . He was a survivor . The next day we started looking for him , without success . I started to miss the little bugger . Without him , who would run up behind me and attack my feet and ankles ? It had become a daily battle . Every time I walked out of my studio , I had to be on the alert , for I knew Napoleon would be waiting for me . . . somewhere . Sometimes I armed myself with a broom so I could get across the yard unscathed . Other time , I fooled myself into believing he wasn 't around and I took off barehanded . It never failed . Before I had taken ten steps , I would hear his feet running toward me , and my heart would start to race . I 'd speed up and he 'd run faster , too . At the best of times , I was never as fast as he was , so I finally braced myself for the inevitable . I swore . I threatened to turn him into rooster stew . If I tried to brush him away with the broom , he was ecstatic ! Here was a battle with a new enemy ! He would charge at the broom repeatedly , occasionally making a quick dart at my feet , until I finally slipped into the back of the house and pulled the door closed . My heart was pounding . After a week and after seeing a fox in our yard a few times , we realized Napoleon wasn 't coming back . He had met his Waterloo at the drainage ditch behind the back fence . No more crowing . No more attacks on my feet . No , I didn 't shed any tears , but I was a little sad . A few days later , Chris came in and said he hadn 't seen Josephine for awhile . This time , I was ready to think the worst and I concluded we must have lost her to the foxes , too . The thought of losing Josephine was hard . She was nothing like Napoleon . Josephine , a Golden Seabright , was tiny , fast , fearless , and amazingly sociable . She would follow me around the yard and let me pick her up and carry her . She would be missed . I wrote this poem for Sita , who became blind at age 5 after having Typhoid fever . Sita 's daughter , Ishwori , is the subject of my short prose / poetry biography , Ishwori . When I began writing this story , I found it very difficult to write in prose . This poem is what got me started and helped me to find the proper storytelling voice for Ishwori . The profits from online sales go to help support Ishwori and her young cousin in Nepal . Through the end of May , you can get a 25 % discount on the paperback edition when you order directly from Createspace . This is our way of thanking everyone for their support . summer , something else happened and this has sent me on a new path . A friend of mine does a lot of volunteer work in Nepal . Through him , Let 's see , Lexus is now 5 months old . She 's at a very busy time in her development , kind of like kindergarten children . Most of the time , she knows what she should and shouldn 't do , but she still can 't help herself . If there 's something there to chew , she 's on it . When we catch her , she looks up at us with her beautiful and very innocent looking eyes , and pretends she not doing whatever she 's doing . Housebroken is housebroken , until she grows faster than her bladder . After Lexus eats , we now plan on spending time in some crazy puppy play . Gotta help her find reasonable ways to burn off energy or she 'll find a few unreasonable ways . She 's learning to go get something and bring it back to us . Occasionally , she 'll even drop it on command . Once in a while , she 'll even drop it in my lap . Unfortunately , she sometimes accompanies the object and climbs or jumps into our laps , too . She 's learning what we mean when we say " DON ' T ! " She just sometimes chooses to ignore us . We know it 's just a phase she 's going through . She 's testing us to find out who 's boss and finding out that when we say , " DON ' T " , we mean it . The best part is Lexus seems to really enjoy getting out and around people . We 've gone into stores , a pizza restaurant , the ballet studio , and she accompanied me to school one day . She 's been great ! We 're looking forward to getting her used to bus rides on the 16th St . Mall downtown and then , maybe , she can go to my University classes with me now and then . For sure , she 'll attend community college with Emma in the fall . It 's a lot of work . Like with children , it 's not always easy to tell we 're doing the right thing . Are we too strict or not strict enough ? Do we balance the work with play ? Are we consistent ? I think she 'll turn out just fine . Just like the kids . It 's amazing how fast a puppy can grow . Lexus was not quite 15 lbs when she first arrived and now she weighs 26 lbs ! It 's also amazing how quickly she is learning . Emma is a good trainer . After one month , Lexus is housebroken , will sit and wait for Emma to give her permission to eat her food , will sit on command almost all the time , will run up to me and automatically sit down calmly so I can pet her , and she no longer barks when she wants to come out of the playpen or kennel . There is a lot more Lexus will have to learn and she likes to remind us she is still a young puppy . She knows she 's not allowed past the kitchen . If she is curious enough and feeling mischievous , she will make a sudden dash , running through the house like lightening , usually picking up a shoe on her way . If she 's going to be scolded , might as well have a little fun first . Mostly , it 's just a lot of fun having a puppy around again ! Our daughter , Emma , received her best gift a few days after Christmas when we drove out to the airport and picked up Lexus , an 8 week old yellow lab puppy . Lexus is on loan , really . She is a Canine Companions for Independence puppy . Emma has volunteered to raise her and begin the basic training over the next 16 months or so . After that , Lexus will go back to the training program in California to continue learning how to be a service dog . This is going to be exciting ! Of course , it 's been a long time since we 've had a puppy in the house . We 've forgotten a lot . Fortunately , Emma has a mentor who has raised 5 puppies for the program . Mitzi comes over regularly to check in and make sure Lexus is doing well and we are still sane . What we 've learned so far . . . . Puppies are a lot like babies . They wake up at night , cry , want to be held , get hungry , and have tantrums . It 's a good idea to sleep when the puppy is sleeping . Don 't give the puppy attention while they are whining or barking . If you do , the puppy learns to whine or bark when they want attention . This is easier said than done , especially when the bark is ear piercing . It is also difficult until you learn which whine means , " Let me out now or you 'll spend the next hour cleaning my crate . " Puppy needs exercise . Play with the puppy and take them for walks , but at this young age , it doesn 't take much to tire them . Like all babies and toddlers , they need their naps or they get cranky . A cranky puppy is not fun . A regular rhythm works wonders . This takes awhile to establish , so be prepared to put up with puppy tantrums at first . It 's worth the work . Toys purchased at pet shops aren 't nearly as exciting as shoes , slippers , the fringe on the carpet , and my sweater . The best news a puppy raiser can get , after they 've turned in their dog and finished their hard work , is that their dog has made it through the advanced training and has been assigned to be a service dog for someone who has a disability and uses a wheelchair . It 's going to be hard to give up Lexus when the time comes , but knowing the goal makes it wonderfully worthwhile . If she does graduate , hopefully Emma will be able to go to California for the graduation ceremony and to be the one to hand her over to her new owner . What a journey this will be ! Welcome to Studio Foxhoven 's new Blog site ! This is a side road on my journey and includes updates on our travels down the " yellow brick road " of caring for my elderly parents and the joys of being an urban farmer . As with my other writing , I always hope that I can take my mistakes , blunders , and all those things that make me stumble and fall , and turn them into something beautiful . If I fail at that , I hope I will make you laugh . That 's beautiful , too . Terri Reinhart spent 19 years as a Kindergarten teacher at the Denver Waldorf School . She also spent many years and dollars doing craft work and remains the only person who has ever asked for 50 lbs of broom corn for her birthday . The saying is true : one can buy something for $ 7 . 00 or make it with $ 92 worth of craft supplies . Now she divides her time between taking care of her grandchildren , her parents , her family , and taking naps . When she has free time , she takes care of puppies and square dances . Once in awhile she writes .
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Hello everyone ! ! ! Hope all is well with you . I sit here wishing you warm holiday wishes from TORONTO , Ontario , CANADA . Yes , you read that right . It is now 2008 in Toronto ! ! and I spent it browsing the internet and listening to my now 4 year old SNORE ~ ~ We are in Toronto for a hockey tournament , but it 's over now ! We stayed a couple of extra days to do some site - seeing , and boy do I have some great pics to show . . . . . but not now . We leave tomorrow afternoon to go home - - to WARM DFW ! so I need to get some stuff packed and get to sleep . . . . the hotel guests are beginning to wind down from the sounds of it , so maybe I can sleep now . . . . I 'll write more in the next few days and get some pictures on here , too . I just wanted to say HAPPY NEW YEAR ! ! ! and I 've missed you during the month of December . See you back in the States ! I 'm going to take this moment in time to grumble about CARS ! ! I HATE CARS . . . . . I wish we still lived in the horse and buggy era , and before you say anything negative about that era of time , please read on for my reasons . When I was a teenager and first learning to drive , back in the dark ages according to That Kid , my dad taught me many valuable lessons - - not just learning how to drive , but some of the basic maintenance things like checking your oil , adding oil , changing out wiper blades , raising the car up on the jack , changing the tire , etc . I found it all boring and tedious , but as the dutiful daughter who wanted to drive her own car someday I listened . My first car was a ' 66 Chevy Impala ( Maroon ) and it was the BEST car . It was well built and had been taken care of by previous owners . I paid $ 500 of MY OWN HARD EARNED MONEY on that car and I thought it was the BEST . . . . till the day I decided to skip school and WRECKED it . . . try explaining why you 're not in school nowhere near your high school to your parents and you need them to help you call a wrecker cuz you just wrecked your car ! Trust me it 's not EASY ! Anyway , I digress . My parents bailed me out , grounded me , and made me pay for the repairs on my car . Fortunately , my cousin was a mechanic and did bodywork on cars for fun ! He repaired it for $ 100 ! From that point on , my car LEAKED OIL something awful ! The day I got rid of it , about a year later , I had added 2 1 / 2 quarts of oil when I left home and 3 hours later it was EMPTY ! I 'm lucky I didn 't blow the engine before I sold it off to the used car dealer ! My dad was adament about me caring for my own car . . . . so I got used to it . About 2 weeks before dh and I got married he blew his engineby running it out of oil and driving on the highway , so when dh and I got married MY car was our only car for the first 2 or so years . Since I was used to caring for MY car I just kept doing it . I made sure the tires had air , oil was changed , inspections were done , registrations were done on time , etc , etc , etc , . Well some 20 + yeaPosted by When That Other Kid was still within the womb I had wonderful friends who offered to host baby showers ( yes , you read it right - - I had 4 of them ! ) . So I went to Target and BabiesRUs and registered for all the cool stuff available for babies ! I had a BLAST with it . I didn 't have this luxery with That Kid , baby registeries were new at that time and I didn 't know that you could " ask " for the stuff you wanted ! I decided long before That Other Kid was born that I wanted Winnie The Pooh stuff . . . . I am a BIG Pooh Fan and I knew this would be my last chance to have cute Pooh stuff . . . soooooo I asked for and received TONS of POOH stuff , including a WONDERFUL home - made Quilt by my mother - in - love and a nice big fleece blanket by her best friend , whom I still have never met . I was in POOH HEAVEN . DH told me to enjoy it while it lasted cuz one day That Other Kid would decide that he didn 't like Pooh anymore . I 've been moving along in Pooh Heaven for the past almost 4 years , until recently . I started looking for stuff for his room to make it more like a little boy room instead of a baby room . He LOVES the Car 's movie characters and one day at Target he saw some Car 's stuff . . . a pop out laundry hamper , and trash can . I bought them for him , thinking ok we can start moving toward the Car 's theme for his room - slowly , of course , since I didn 't want to lose the Pooh theme . He was ok with this till this weekend when I decided to look for sheets and blankets that fit his bed , ( he 's still in a toddler bed ) and don 't look like they are for babies . That is VERY hard to do , btw . But . . . . . Wally - world had lots of new character sheet sets for KIDS . . . . in Toddler - Bed size ! ! I was soooooo impressed . I never find anything I like at Wally - World and rarely even walk in the doors , but needed to pick up a couple of things there this weekend . Wow ! ! ! Anyway , I found Car 's , Diego , Dora , Princess Barbie , and SPIDERMAN . . . . . Guess which character he chose ! ! ! Yes ma 'm SPIDERMAN ! ! ! I told him we should get the Car 's stuff , cuz he already has some Car 's stuff , Posted by A couple of weeks ago I talked about the exciting possibilities of actually being ready for Christmas well before the big day . Let me tell you IT AINT GONNA HAPPEN ! It 's 22 days till Christmas and 16 days till That Other Kids birthday and I have barely touched the edge of Christmas / birthday purchases . The house is not decorated , Christmas cards are not addressed , the Christmas letter I had hoped to write this year still isn 't even in the draft form . I also want to get the boys ' picture taken again this year . . . the list goes on and on . The days just seem to fly by . . . . you know . I get up about 8 every day and I lay around till 10 , cuz I can 't function that early , then I have breakfast to fix , shower to take , laundry to start , and whatever else is on the agenda for the day and the stuff for Christmas just slips on past me . So . . . how are you doing on your Christmas preparations ? ? ? Today is my last Thankful 30 Days post . I have to admit that I am glad this is November 30 and this meme is over . It 's not that I 'm not thankful , cuz I do have so much to be thankful for as is witnessed over the past 30 days . No , it 's because every night I 've felt " pressured " , by myself , to post something - - and sometimes it has been a struggle to sit down and think about something worthwhile to post about . I have managed , though and it has given me a lot to think about over this month . I 'm glad I did it . . . sometimes I get so caught up in my " day to day stuff " that I don 't take the time to really be thankful . So for my last post for this month - - I am thankful for my wonderful boys , although they cause me frustration and make me want to run away from home sometimes they are the best things to come into my life over the past 17 years . I love That Kid for his dedication to be a better person , working his tail off with his schoolwork , working his tail off to play a tough sport - - ice hockey , and working all his hockey games that he officiates . He is a GREAT KID ! ! and I love him ! ! ! I love That Other Kid for his enthusiasm for life . He is active and busy ALL THE TIME . He is SMART and FUNNY and ACTIVE and ALL BOY ! He keeps me on my toes to try to keep him busy , entertained and happy ! Both boys play together , argue with each other , play fight , and act like siblings that are only a couple of years apart ; they don 't act like there is 13 1 / 2 years separating them . . . . They are different , but they are MINE ! ! ! For this I AM THANKFUL ! ! ! ! I AM BLESSED ! ! ! ! I 've been thinking a lot today . . . . I know don 't do that you can get in trouble ! But . . . . anyway , I 've been thinking today about all we have to be thankful for in this country . We have the Freedoms that the rest of the world just dreams of . We have the prosperity that the rest of the world dreams of . And it 's all because of the people that have gone before us . . . the soldiers in the military , the forefathers of our country and the men and women who came to this country hundreds of years ago to make a " new life " for themselves and their family . So . . . . for today I am thankful for the United States of America and all the people who make this country what it is today ! I am also thankful for the President of the United States . He has the most difficult job and he gets to hear all the complaints of people that don 't believe he is doing his job correctly . I thank God that he is doing what he believes is best for our country and seeks God in his decisions . I am also thankful for the military of this country and all their hard work to help protect our freedoms and keep us safe from our enemies . I pray they are kept safe and that their families are blessed because of what they are doing for our country . God Bless America ! ! Well I have been strangely absent from the blogging world for the past couple of days . I 'm not even sure what I did the past couple of days . . . . I know I did about a dozen loads of laundry , but they didn 't get folded and put away till today . I also did a dishwasher full of dishes , cooked some meals , did a bunch of errands , paid some bills , went to a skating class for That Other Kid , a hockey practice for That Kid , met for a friend for coffee , and slept . Oh , I guess that 's why I didn 't have time for the computer , huh ? So , I need to come up with some things I am thankful for for the past couple of days . . . . so here goes ! I am thankful for a friend that will meet me for coffee at 9 : 15p . m . on a Tuesday night and not whine that I have to bring That Other Kid with me ! I am thankful for the wonderful weather we have had over the past 2 days so that That Other Kid could burn a little energy by going for a bike ride ! I am also thankful that I was able to deposit a bunch of money in the bank yesterday and today , so I could pay bills that have been piling up the whole month . We are almost caught up after having a REALLY financially dry month , with very little work for dh . Not only do we have the bills paid , now but he got a BUNCH of work that is supposed to be done by January 1 - - and we will get paid for it by January 2 ! ! ! I am thankful that God has provided a client that will pay PROMPTLY ! ! ! Holiday weekends are usually spent at the Ice Rink for Hockey Tournaments and this weekend was no different . We played 4 games this weekend and only won 1 game . I was very disappointed . We have a lot of good talent on our team , as well as what I believe is a talented coaching staff . . . . but we just don 't seem to have what it takes to win games when we are " under the gun " . The players on the team seem to be more interested in pounding someone into the ground than playing hockey . . . . what is it with these 17 and 18 year old boys ? ? ? Oh well , I guess I should look at it from the bright side - - That Kid loves playing in a sport that he is good at and he is learning from it . That Other Kid did well this weekend . . . . he loves to watch his big brother play hockey and he knows the game pretty well considering he 's not quiet 4 years old . Today during the game he played with a couple of siblings of a team mate . And I am THANKFUL for these boys . I didn 't see That Other Kid for nearly 2 hours and I KNEW HE WAS SAFE IN THE RINK WITH kids that would not allow him to get hurt , or run off with people that he didn 't know ! ! Believe me it is a blessing to watch a hockey game without answering a MILLION questions ! ! ! Thank you GOD for the blessing of siblings that LOVE playing with That Other Kid ! Tonight I am TIRED . . . . . It is 10 : 30 and I am going to BED . . . . I never go to bed this early unless I am sick , and I don 't really feel sick tonight . I just feel TIRED . It rained ALL DAY here in the DFW metroplex and it was COLD . . . . AND I was at an ICERINK for 4 hours with a almost 4 year old that wanted to play arcade games the whole time . BUT . . . . . I am thankful for the opportunity to go to bed early if the need is there ! ! ! UPDATED . . . . I went to bed at 10 : 50 p . m . slept for 2 hours , woke up for about 30 minutes then slept till 4 : 30 a . m . when That Other Kid woke up " soakeded " . It took me an hour to get him back to sleep . Then I slept from 5 : 30 to 7 : 55 a . m . Not bad , not great but it coulda been worse ! The past couple of days I have been busy and haven 't taken the time to blog or read blogs . . . . that shows how busy I was ! ! Yesterday I cooked a big Thanksgiving meal for our family . All our extended family lives too far away so it was just the 4 of us . . . . but it was nice and fun . That Kid and dh went to a early movie , while That Other Kid played with toys , and watched tv . I cooked ! ! ! It was a fun day . I love to cook , but rarely take the time to the time to do it . Today we spent the day at the Ice Rink . Game 1 - - we won ; 4 - 2 . Game 2 , not so good . . . . we lost 8 - 4 against a Colorado team . I guess they really know how to play hockey there ! ! Tomorrow we don 't play till early evening so we get to sleep , oh wait . . . I get to sleep till That Other Kid wakes me up - - probably around 8 . That Kid has to get up and work . . . . he says he needs money ! ! But his bank account has more money than mine right now . . . . hey , what 's wrong with this picture ? ? ? So what am I thankful for ? ? Nice Thanksgving meal , a busy weekend of hockey and a teenager that loves his job ! How 's that for Thankfulness ! ! ! ! Today I am thankful that I have a bit of a voice back . Enough that I could yell at That Other Kid , grocery shop for Thanksgiving and talk to my mother in love and 3 different friends on the phone . What a blessing to be able to speak in a somewhat normal voice ! Of course by the end of the day , I 'm back to squeaking ! ! Oh well , I guess I need to lay off the talking at least till I 'm not so squeaky ! I bought a ton of food for Thanksgiving Dinner . Of course , it 's just the 4 of us for dinner so most of it will be leftovers for the weekend . . . . and lots of desserts that none of us really need ! ! Get a Cash AdvanceWow look at me ! I can blog worthless babble and still get a HighSchool Reading Level rating . Maybe it 's because I write so much about my high school son or maybe its because I really have nothing worthwhile that any one other than high schoolers would want to waste their time with . No matter the reason I am shocked and perplexed , that for sure ! Now on to what I am thankful for today ! ! I am thankful that it is not EVEN Thanksgiving and I already have a NUMBER of my presents for CHRISTMAS purchased ! Ain 't ya proud ? ? ? I am so excited . You see I normally the person that doesn 't start till the week before Christmas then I am looking all over town for that 1 special present for that 1 special person . With any luck I 'll be done by next weekend ! ! As I started buying clothes for That Kid this fall I asked him to go through his closet and pull out anything he no longer wanted , no longer could wear , or was worn out . He filled a large trash bag with clothes , some of which I went through and put into the trash , some of which I saved for momentos ( a hockey shirt , a referee association shirt , a PE shirt ) , the rest I left in the trash bag to take to GoodWill . This morning was the day to take the bag to GoodWill . We have one near where we were going for a referee game so I just dropped it off on our way . That Other Kid asked why we were giving this bag of clothes away . My response was that clothes cost money when we buy them at the store , and some people don 't have much money for new clothes so they go to this store to buy these clothes that we don 't want anymore . He still seemed a little confused about this so I elaborated and told him that these clothes just cost a little money or sometimes they don 't cost any money . This seemed to clear it up for him . His response " Well they need to get more money . " I told him that some people just don 't get much money for the work they do . His response , " well they should , cuz they need to buy good clothes " . Today I am thankful that I have enough and can bless others that " don 't have enough " . Tonight all the big people are in the living room doing our own thing , but without a lot of noise . For this I am thankful ! We rarely are all in the same room together without some kind of noise going on . . . . whether it be the tv , the music off ITUNES or someone talking . Tonight it is quiet ! ! ! and it is NICE . We don 't have nearly enough quiet in our lifes these days and I really appreciate it when I have it . . . . . Hope you have some quiet time soon . I think I 've mentioned a few million times that I am sick AGAIN . . . well when I am sick I don 't sleep well . I guess it 's the medicine , cuz rarely do I have problems sleeping - - - unless you count going to bed at a reasonable time so that I actually get enough sleep before That Other Kid decides the " sun is up ; it 's time to get up " . Well today I was just exhausted , so I thought I would lay down for a " minute " - - that turned into 2 hours of blissful sleep ! ! ! ! How did I manage to sleep 2 hours in the middle of the day , you ask - - with a 3 year old , 17 year old and dh in the house making all manner of noise ? ? ? - - - beats me ! ! ! I just know that I did and I am thankful for that SLEEP ! ! ! I truly am THANKFUL ! ! ! Hope you get an unexpected blessing this week . . . . . . for the math class that That Kid is attending . You see , he 's always struggled with math , even when he was a little kid learning how to add and subtract . He 's always said it 's too hard , I can 't do it . I 've always pushed , prodded and attempted to find just the right " program " , " curriculum " , or " teaching aids " to help him . It slowly started clicking . He can now do the basics - - of course , at 17 he needs to do more than the basics . . . . . the SAT 's , ACT 's , etc . expect you to know algebra and geometry and even beyond ! ! ! What 's a mom to do ? ? ? ? For the past couple of years I have talked to him about getting professional help - - ya know , someone that knows how to actually DO Algebra . . . . not just read the book of answers . This summer as he was trying to work through Algebra for the 2nd time , he said it was TIME for HELP . . . . . so I checked around and decided to sign him up for an Algebra 1 class taught by a " math geek " - - engineer homeschooling dad ! ! ! He knows math and he knows how to get it " through " That Kid 's thick skull ! ! ! He has been attending this class now since the 2nd week in Sepember , and has been doing pretty well from what I could tell . We also got a little extra help from a homeschooling mom that LOVES MATH , don 't get that one . . . . . but whatever , lol ! ! Between the tutor that he sees about once a week and the class that he attends for 2 1 / 2 hours a week . . . . HE IS GETTING MATH ! ! ! ! Today we got his first progress report - - - and his overall score is 91 . 24 % . I 'm pleased as punch ! ! ! as the saying goes . . . . . finally some math success ! ! ! Now , why didn 't I do this years ago ? ? ? ? ? Well hind site is always better , huh ? ? ? Another bonus ! ! ! He wants to LEARN , now . . . . . he sees a reason for learning this stuff . . . . SAT 's , ACT 's , and college applications ! ! ! Last week I received this beautiful beaded bookmark in the mail from my homeschool swap buddy . She is a wonderful lady who has something encouraging to say in nearly every post . You can check out her blog at http : / / homeschoolblogger . com / socalval . In case you have no idea what I am talking about you can check it out over at http : / / homeschoolblogawards . com . You can also nominate people in 20 some odd categories for this year homeschool blog awards . I think that the mom / homeschool blog community is something special that us women need in our busy , crazy lifes . I know that I value the " friendships " of the women I have " met " through blogs and I don 't even personally know these women but I " feel " THEIR FRUSTRATIONS and I " feel " THEIR JOYS . So today I am thankful for blogs of the women that I have " met " through blogging . Some of these women homeschool , like myself ; and some send their kids to traditional schools , but we have a common bond . . . . we are all moms in the 21st century and find comfort in sharing our life with others over the internet ! Happy Blogging Ladies ! ! ! ! So . . . . . I will tell you 2 things I am thankful for today . 1 ) I am thankful that That Kid has a sensitive spirit . He is sensitive to his friends and their needs and he hurts when they do . He is wonderful at doing what he can do HELP his friends . Sometimes those friends need wayyyyyy more help than a 17 year old can give , though . He is learning to turn these needs over to God ! ! ! Yeah ! ! ! ! 2 ) I am thankful that That Other Kid is feeling MUCH better today than he was on Friday . His nose is no longer running away from him and he 's playing pretty much normally today . He actually ate almost all his breakfast too which he hasn 't done since last Monday . Let 's see how he eats and drinks today . That 's how I can truly monitor how he feels . On the down side - - - I feel like garbage . I have no voice , which I 'm sure the boys are happy about ; ) and I 'm stuffy and sore all over . Off to the doctor to see what is wrong this time . . . . . Today I am thankful that That Kid has such a wonderful job . He is a USA Hockey Official . He has had this job now for 3 years and he is moving up in the ranks already . These photos were taken at some youth level games at the American Airlines Center , where the Dallas Stars Hockey Team plays . He was chosen to be an official for these games because of his respected position within the local association . He works numerous games every weekend and has quiet a hefty bank account to show for his efforts . Very few teens have jobs they actually LOVE to do / go to , but he is one of them . My job 's as a teenager were certainly not this exciting ! ! ! I was a babysitter , a fast food employee , numerous times over , and I worked at Woolco ( I 'm dating myself here , huh ? ? ) and Kmart . Boy , those are exciting jobs , huh ? ? ? ? Ya know we always want better for our kids than we had it and in this case he certainly has achieved ! ! ! Thank you God for this opportunity for my son . Did you have a cool job when you were a teenager ? ? ? ? ? Today I am thankful that I saved all those thousands of dollars of Star Wars and Batman / Superman toys I bought for That Kid over a decade ago . Right now as I type both my boys ( remember they are 17 and almost 4 ) are in the middle of the living room floor going through the StarWars / Batman / Superman toys . This is definately a kodak moment if I could sneak the picture without them noticing ! ! If I manage I will post it . The reason these toys are in our living room and not in the garage as they were 15 minutes ago is because I opened my BIG mouth and suggested that maybe " one of those action figures that we saved " could be on the " free " motorcycle that the girls over at Sonic gave That Other Kid - - - cuz they just think he is the cutest thing ever ! ! So THANK YOU to the Sonic girl for bringing my boys to the middle of the living room together in a special time ! Ummmmm . . . what do I have to be thankful for today . Let 's see . . . . . It was one of those kind of days . You know what I 'm talking about . . . . we all have them occasionally . Some of us , more than others . That Other Kid woke up to use the bathroom at 6 a . m . Now normally this isn 't a problem , he just goes right back to sleep . Not today though . He needed to discuss the life decisions of a 3 ( almost 4 ) year old . Now in case you are a morning person , you won 't understand this , but I AM SO NOT A MORNING PERSON . . . . . and 6 a . m . is NOT a time to discuss anything with momma ! Try 10 a . m and I 'm more likely to respond . By the time he was done discussing the life decisions " the sun is up , the moon is down " it 's time to get up . . . . . THANKS TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME , OH YEAH ! It 's 6 : 20 a . m . and NOT time for momma to make an appearance . So . . . . . I was wasted all day . I had a pile of laundry and various other such pleasant tasks to take care of today . Not to mention going to the dentist . Oh yeah ! I did go to the gym today and did a 30 minutes CORE class and I was only 5 minutes late ! ! ( It started at 11 a . m . ) Yes , I know what did I do for 5 hours - - I laid around on the couch trying to catch a few more zzzzzz 's . I also did 30 minutes on the treadmill . . . . . thank you very much ! ! That 's the most I have done in a while at the gym . I expect I 'll be paying for it tomorrow , but onward and downward . . . . . with the weight , ya know . So . . . . . what am I thankful for today ? ? ? That Other Kid went to bed and sleep at 8 : 10 p . m . ! ! ! That 's a full 50 minutes before he normally goes to sleep . So I have had a few hours to vegg out and do some blogging and some laundry and some school grading ! ! Ah , a sleeping preschooler ! ! ! ! the Ft . Worth Zoo and beautiful fall weather ! ! ! Today was a picture perfect day and we had a great opportunity to enjoy the day at the zoo . There are so few days that I would call picture perfect , but today was . The temperature was in the low 60 's when we left for the zoo so we had on sweatshirts , but by lunch time it was in the upper 60 's so we took off the sweatshirts and enjoyed the day ! The monkeys were entertaining as always and the white bengal tiger was pacing the glass while the kids tried to follow . The kids area of the zoo had a couple of goats that were looking for some food , and the boys were afraid they were about to be a goat 's lunch . They enjoyed him from a distance ! ! The longhorn cow in the Texas section of the zoo was busy walking around having a late afternoon snack as we rode the train back to the entrance of the zoo . So . . . . to recap I am thankful for the beautiful fall day , the Ft . Worth Zoo , and the wonderful friends that joined us . Oh . . . and by the way I have lost 2 pounds in the past couple of weeks . Not great , but certainly every little bit helps . What am I thankful for today ? ? ? ? Well it 's kind of funny , really . . . . so bare with me . I let That Kid go to a play at a near by church that a lot of his homeschooled friends attend last night . Many of the characters in the play are his friends , so I thought it would be a great thing for him to see . Afterwards a group of these friends invited him to go grab a bite to eat , and since I am his driver for now I met them all at this fast food place . They were all sitting at a table together ( 5 of them - - 2 girls , 3 boys ) and I was sitting at a table near them listening to their conversation . Now mind you , these are teens ranging from 15 - 17 years old . What do you think they were discussing ? ? ? The lastest teen movie ? ? ? The lastest fashions at the mall ? ? ? Troubles with their parents ? ? ? NOOOOOO , they were talking about the upcoming PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION ! ! ! AND THEIR CHOICES FOR PRESIDENT ! ! ! ! Don 't ya just love HOMESCHOOLED KIDS ? ? ? ? ? 3 of these teens are in a government class together at a local co - op and they were discussing the pros and cons of the politicans . This just cracked me up ! ! ! I sat there laughing , because I was thinking to myself I never even thought about future presidents when I was their age . . . . . . I DIDN ' T CARE ! ! ! and neither did my friends . . . . . all we cared about was our next trip to the mall , movies , clothes , etc . This is the difference between homeschool and public schooled students ! ! ! not to mention another generation ! ! ! So . . . . . what am I thankful for today ? ? ? HOMESCHOOLED TEENAGERS ! ! ! ! especially those that call my son their friend . . . . . . 1 of the boys even lives in our neighborhood ! ! ! yeah ! ! ! ! Today I am thankful for my Lifetime Fitness gym membership ! I have had this membership for over 2 years and have gone on and off . For a while I will be super consistent , then I will get busy , sick or just slack off . I won 't go and I end up wasting a lot of money ; ( ( ( I need to lose A LOT of weight - - 75 pounds to be where my doctor says I need to be so going to the gym and exercising is key to this . TODAY I decided that I need to be thankful for this membership and utilize it to its highest capacity . That Other Kid loves to go - - - he gets to play with other kids his own age , and I love it too since I have 2 hours of time to do what I want . I went and exercised on the treadmill for 35 minutes , did a few inner and outer thigh exercises and did some crunches . I ended up spending more than 45 minutes in ACTUAL exercises . Then I went and took a nice LONG , HOT SHOWER ALL BY MYSELF ! ! ! ! What a luxury ! ! ! I know some of you may not have a problem taking a shower without company , or in a rush but in my house this is not the case . . . . . I barely get in the shower and the phone rings , my teenager needs me , my dh needs me or my little guy needs me ! Rarely do I get to shave my legs , wash my hair and bathe at home without someone interrupting . If I do get to do these things then as soon as the water goes off then someone needs something ! ! ! So today I am thankful for Lifetime Fitness and the 2 hours of blissful time to myself ! ! ! What are you thankful for ? ? ? ? ? ? Heather over at Desperately Seeking Sanity is doing this little thing where for the month of November she writes about something she is thankful for everyday . After reading about it I decided this was something I REALLY NEED to do . . . . my life has been so off kilter lately that I need to remind MYSELF that I do have MUCH to thankful for . So . . . . . . since it is already the 4th of November I 'm going to write about the 4 things I am MOST thankful for . . . . . . Here goes : 1 . Jesus Christ - - - without HIM I really would be nothing and have nothing . Thank you Jesus for your never ending grace ! 2 . " That Kid " - - - even though he makes me crazy sometimes I still am very thankful that he is my " big " kid ! ! I love him and am thankful that I have been blessed to raise him . 3 . " That Other Kid " - - - he drives me even crazier , but I am doubly thankful for him . I waited nearly 10 years for him to be born and he brings me both joy and frustration . He keeps me on my toes ! 4 . My " DH " - - - although sometimes I am frustrated beyond belief with him I am thankful that we have struggled through all the trials and we can still say we are married after 23 years , when everyone told us we could never make it past our first couple of years ! What do you have to be thankful for this month ? ? ? ? If you want to participate you can sign in over at www . desperatelyseekingsanity . com and let me know so I can see what you are thankful for . What is so special about a vacumn ? Both my kids have been terrified of the vacumn . It 's not like I run over them and hurt them with the vacumn . Or even try to do anything that would cause fear . That Kid eventually outgrew the terror . I 'm not sure when , but one day it wasn 't there and he was willing to stay in the same room while I vacumned . That Other Kid displayed such fear of the vacumn that he would run crying to dad or big brother to protect him from the " big bad vacumn " . That is till today . . . . . when he decided that it really wasn 't so scary ! He chased the vacumn with his bike , teased the vacumn while sitting in the rocking chair , then the break - through came . . . . . . HE wanted to vacumn . Who am I to argue with someone else doing the housework ? ? ? ? ! ! Now if I can get him to dust , fold the laundry instead of climbing on it , and clean the bathrooms I 'll be a happy momma ! ! ! I 'm still here . . . . I 've just been busy driving all over the DFW metroplex for the past few days . In case you are not familiar with this metropolitan area , driving all over it is no small feat . The DFW area encompasses more than 75 square miles and I traveled a good bit of it this past weekend . That Kid plays ice hockey and works as an official also . He practiced 1 time , played 2 games , and refed 9 games in the past 4 days . In addition to that he went to see a good friend that lives about 20 miles from us . Normally , very little of this would effect me , but . . . . . since I took his car keys and drivers license away I get the privilege of driving again . By the time it was all said and done last night , I was EXHAUSTED . . . . I fell into bed and was instantly asleep ! That Other Kid was a real trooper . . . . I bought him a new movie to watch as we drove around . The Incredibles - - very cute if you have little kids , was his choice of movie when we went to Target to look around for something to help entertain him . Today , though he was a real whiner - - - he wanted to stay home and PLAY with his stuff . I guess sitting in a car seat and driving around for hours and hours lost its appeal after doing it 3 days in a row ! School is going good , but I 've got some grading to do so I better get to it . That Kid got a 87 on his math test last Wednesday , and a 87 on his Chemistry test , and a 90 on his writing assignment . I have to record it all and a bunch of other stuff . I only have about 1 hour of peace and quiet till That Kid and DH come home from yet another night of hockey / driving . I get Tuesday nights off to do my own thing and catch up . . . . I just need to do it instead of sitting here on the computer . Well I better get to it or the guys will be home before I even do the first thing on my LONG , LONG list ! I 'll check back in tomorrow with my weigh in . . . . don 't expect much . . . I haven 't been to the gym forever and I haven 't been very careful about eating right either . . . . . but I 've got to start documenting it anyway . Maybe if it 's documented I will start beiPosted by in Psalm 127 : 3 Don 't you see that children are God 's best gift ? the fruit of the womb his generous legacy ? Basically that means our children are blessings from God , right ? Well then , why do I continually feel like my children are a curse ? I know I 'm not the only one out there that feels this way , either . . . . I read blogs . . . . I 'm somwhat educated . ( I have 2 years of college education ) . . . . why can 't I get through a day dealing with my 2 boys that I don 't want to bury my head in the sand and just say . . . . . " Do whatever you want ! I 'm on vacation ! " I know many of you out there have A LOT more than 2 children and they are much closer in age than mine ( 13 years apart ) . How DO YOU manage to get through the day without some major breakdowns ? This month has been an exceptionally trying month in our household . I 've been sick forever , money has been tight , the teenager has tested us beyond normal bounds and the little guy has needed extra attention . The house needs a major cleaning and school work needs to be graded and all I wanna do is " blow a gasket " and say " you people are on your own " . There are a couple of blessings in this turmoil - - my mother - in - law is back safe and sound from her 3 week vacation so I can VENT to her as well as all my blogging pals and regardless of how I FEEL GOD is in control ! ! ! In addition to these blessings my dh has realized that he has to step up to the plate and be a dad sometimes - - instead of working 24 / 7 . He spent Friday night with That Kid , as well as all day Saturday and Tuesday night . Wow - - now that was a BLESSING . All my whining to God this past week has taught me at least 1 thing - - regardless of how I feel Children really are a blessing from God and to be treasured . I know this deep down , but sometimes I have to remind myself of it . Do you ? ? ? ? ? I 've been so overwhelmed with the details of life the past few days that I haven 't had time to sit down and catch up with my blog friends . I 've tried to read a little here and there when I get a second , but I haven 't had time to sit down and compose a thought or a blog post . Life has been hectic ! Friday night we had more drama from That Kid , which wrecked havic with not only my emotions , but my sanity , as well . I talked to one of his teenage friends and started crying my eyes out . . . . . a few minutes later her mom shows up on my doorstep and just listens , prays and sits with me ! What a blessing good friends are . I wouldn 't trade them for anything ! My other friend called numerous times to check on me . She was going to come over but she lives more than 30 minutes away . . . . and has a toddler , teenager and husband to care for . . . . I told her all would be ok . . . . just pray ! ! After the initial drama was over we had a decent weekend . Lots of hockey , meaning lots of driving across the dfw metroplex . But . . . . we had lots of time to talk and THAT was GOOD ! Communication is the key to living with a teenager , I believe . That Other Kid handled the busy weekend pretty well till Sunday night when he announced he just wanted to stay home and watch TV . . . . . Daddy was staying home , so daddy and That Other Kid had 4 hours of time together . That 's the longest they have spent together by themselves so it was a GOOD Night ! So far this week . . . . . no drama with the teenager , no drama with the toddler and no drama with the adults . . . . . It 's been a slow week . . . . . just school , work and errands . and A little hockey thrown in for good measure ! We have another couple of nights ahead of us , then it 's over till the weekend , yeah ! Soooo what have you been doing this week ? ? ? I didn 't weigh myself yesterday . . . I just get to the gym and I didn 't think it would boost my mood any , so I blew it off . But , today my best friend wanted me to work out with her . . . . she said it would motivate both of us if we worked out together . So . . . . I agreed to go work out with her . Gosh , my muscles hurt tonight . But , I digress . . . . I decided to weigh myself , just for the heck of it - - and I was surprised ! I haven 't lost any weight , but I HAVEN ' T GAINED ANY EITHER ! ! ! I just knew that I had gained over the past couple of weeks , since I have been stressed and haven 't really work out much . But yeah ! ! ! I 'm feeling good physically now - - no more prominant cough , and no more sinus drainage . My toe is FINALLY feeling somewhat good - - unless I 'm on it A LOT . . . so no more excuses . I have to get this weight off ! ! and we travel to Toronto for a hockey tournament in about 2 months and I really don 't want to sit on that plane for 4 hours and FEEL FAT . . . . cuz I 'm squeezed into the seat . So . . . . . now I have to get down to business . Onward and upward , I got an email today from my homeschool swap buddy and I can 't wait to start a new friendship through blogging and homeschooling . This will be a great experience . . . . . and if you homeschool and are interested in this , you can check it out at http : / / homeschoolblogawards . com / . Well I 'm gonna go and do some blog reading , cuz I haven 't had time to do much lately and I 'm missing some of my blog friends . Have a good night . Go over to http : / / momsblogging . com / 2007 / 10 / 15 / are - you - the - meanest - mom / over at mom blogs to find out if you are the meanest mom out there . . . . but keep in mind you are competing with the " All time MEANEST MOM " , that , of course , is yours truly ! Now here 's one that I have in the bag for sure ! ! ! This weekend That Kid did something I never thought I would have to deal with . . . . I 'm gonna keep it to myself , I really don 't want to disclose all of his rebellious activities , but suffice to say I didn 't communicate with my 17 year old son for some 21 hours . . . . . and not out of lack of effort on my part . When he arrived home I took his cell phone , car keys , and drivers license away from him and told him he would not leave the house without a parent for the next 9 months . . . . . till the day he turns 18 ! ! Since then I have been granted to the silent treatment . I accept that for now . . . . he 's mad at me and his dad and when he 's mad he doesn 't speak unless spoken to . At least he is treating his little brother decent . He has communicated with a couple of " friends " since he got home and he informed them that I have " gone over the edge " and have " no right " to take his punishment to this extreme . I think I could have gone much further . At this point I accept the " meanest mom " award and will follow my son everywhere he goes for the next 9 months to keep him safe and protected . That is , as I see it , my number 1 job as him mom ! ! ! ! Take the 100 Acre Personality Quiz ! I found this site through Bev 's comments at Laura 's Organized Junkie . It sounded fun so I decided to take it . . . . . and wouldn 't you know I 'm a mom even in The 100 Acre Woods ! ! Once a mom always a mom , huh ? Hey , if you take the quiz let me know what you are , ok ? Oh , and That Kid 's team won this afternoon , so we are 3 - 0 in our league so far . Not bad for the beginning of the LONG season . . . . I have been strangely absent from blog world this week . . . . no particular reason . I just haven 't had anything exciting happen in my world and I have been trying to rest and recuperate from my prolonged illness so that I can hit the road to weight loss and exercise once again . We did get to go an NHL game last night . . . . we had nose - bleed seats , but they were cheap so that makes up for it ! It was a good game , although our team lost in over - time , which kind of stinks . . . . . but ya know , somebody has to lose , huh ? I forgot my regular digital camera , but decided to take a couple of pictures with my phone . . . . . anyone know how to transfer them so I can post them to the computer ? ? ? ? Help ! ! I am technology challenged ! ! ! Today That Kid worked all day , so it was just a quiet day of goofing off with That Other Kid . He wanted to go to the gym to play with friends , so I took him and read for 1 1 / 2 hours of blissful quiet . Ah , I love the gym ! ! Tomorrow That Kid plays in a hockey game , so we get to watch him in action doing what he loves most ! ! At some point he needs to get some math done , but before his game he has to work , and then he works afterward too , so he may not get it done . . . . . oh well , there 's always Monday , right ? ? ? Hope you are having a good weekend . Let me know if you know how to get pictures off my phone , onto my computer , ok ? I was a chicken , I didn 't weigh - in today . . . . I 've had such a bad week . I haven 't felt well and I haven 't really paid attention to what I 've eaten . I would have to assume that I didn 't gain , or lose this week . . . . . I need a nap ! ! ! I just got home from That Kid 's hockey game . . . . start time 9 : 30 p . m . ! ! ! so That Other Kid went to bed early and I went to a hockey game unacompanied . All the moms asked where my other appendage was . . . . and I happily replied IN BED sleeping ! ! ! Anyhooo . . . . . WE WON ! ! ! in OVERTIME , with a PENALTY SHOT GOAL ! ! ! 2 - 1 . The other team protested the goal , but the referees prevailed . . . . and we won ! ! This was our 2nd league game of the season and it was against the same team we WON a couple of weeks ago . Although we did win the coach wasn 't pleased with the performance of the team overall . . . . . so tomorrow night 's practice will probably not be a pretty one . That Kid was a + 2 if that means anything to you . . . . . basically that means he was out during the goals and he didn 't do anything to cause the other team to score . He did get sent to the penalty box for " shoving " a guy who was talkin ' trash . Oh well , the other guy went to the box as well , so it didn 't hurt our team . I 've mentioned a few hundred times that I have been feeling like crap the past couple of months ; everything from a broken toe , to a cough that just won 't go away even after repeated trips to the doctor and repeated trips to the pharmacy . Well this afternoon , while doing a rush trip to Target while That Kid was at hockey practice with That Other Kid wanting to run laps around the aisles looking for various toiletry items every 3 year NEEDs , my doctor 's nurse calls me and says " we got the radiologists report back and he " thinks " you have pneumonia . " " Pneumonia , " I say , " oh goodie ! " Now ain 't that SWELL . . . no wonder I feel like crap . . . . and no wonder after 8 weeks of feeling like crap I still feel like crap . . . . . Did I mention I feel like crap ? ? ? ? ? Nurse says keep taking those antibiotics and other stuff the doc gave you and see how you feel in a couple of weeks . . . . We 'll do more x - rays . . . . . . I asked about exercise , cuz I really am tired of being sooooooo fat . She said do what I feel like . Oh thanks . . . . . . I feel like laying in bed all day , so does that mean she will tend to my house and kids and everything else that needs done ? ? ? ? ? Hope you are having a good day ! ! ! ! A homeschooler 's Guide to Unhappiness - - This of course is not limited to homeschoolers exclusively , it could also apply to moms everywhere with a little tweaking ! ! School is well underway for most of us , and we are far enough into the year to begin feeling behind . Stressed , we begin looking over the fence at the Jones ' , where the grass is always greener and the children never whine . Meeting with other homeschoolers brings a mixture of encouragement and feelings of inadequacy as we begin to second guess those plans which looked so good on paper . If this describes you , you are off to a great start . After all , there is nothing mankind desires more or works harder for than misery . A brief survey of world literature reveals our fascination with sin , danger and tragedy . If we cannot experience it personally , we do so vicariously through what have become the classics . Even the quest for happiness robs our happiness in the end as Paul Watzlawick so aptly noted in his book , Anleitung zum Unglücklichsein ( Guide to Unhappiness ) . To help you along the way to maximizing your unhappiness , I have written the following guide . Some of these steps may come naturally to you ; others may require practice . With diligence , however , anyone can achieve the unhappiness they so earnestly desire . 1 . Copy the public schools . Buy desks , set them up in neat rows facing the front of the room and investin a pointer . Even if you have only one child , make him raise his hand toanswer questions . Schedule restroom breaks . Let the clock dictate your everymove . Giving a toddler a megaphone is a good stand in for a disruptive PA system . 2 . Choose your curriculum based on what everyone in your homeschool group is using . Better yet , find a stranger online and ask her . Don 't consider your temperament or your child 's interests . After all , these other people have way more experience than you . Remind yourself of that continually when things are not going well . 3 . Contact every curriculum publisher . Make sure they have your correct address and get on as many maiPosted by Tonight I am very sad and feel somewhat heart - broken . If you have or have had teenagers maybe you will understand . Today I wanted to " hang out " with That Kid . He was working a game that was VERY convenient for me and That Other Kid to attend ( he 's a hockey official ) . I knew that That Other Kid would fall asleep on the ride over - - the car does it every time when he is tired , yeah ! ! So , I figured it would give us an opportunity to talk . . . about anything in particular or nothing in particular . . . . I was just missing him , even though he is here most days he is ALWAYS BUSY doing school work or visiting with friends on the phone . I 've been missing him ! ! ! Instead , he got MAD that I wanted to go in the same vehicle and watch the game . . . . " I don 't understand why you want to go , it will be boring , blah , blah , blah " . . . I was hurt and went into the house crying and angry . DH butted in and told him we were going in the same car TOGETHER . Get in the car . . . . and apologize for hurting your mom 's feelings . Instead I got the silent treatment the whole drive - - - to and from ! Over an hour of nothing , but driving instructions from my teenage son who has only been driving a year . . . to his mom who has been driving ALONG TIME ! ! Oh , he had time to text message friends , request dinner on the way home , and stare off into space . But he couldn 't spare time to talk to mom - - - I 'm still hurt and angry . . . I have to learn to let go of it , but it hurts ! ! That 's the question I posed the doctor today . I have had this hacking , chain - smoking type cough for the past 2 + months and I 've had ENOUGH . I 'm sick and tired of feeling SICK . . . . . Oh , and by the way - - NO , I don 't smoke , nor have I EVER smoked . . . . the smell GAGS me and makes me feel like barfing . She took another chest x - ray to tell me if I have bronchitis or pneumonia - - I don 't , according to her . I have MASSIVE drainage , so she is calling it allergies with a bit of asthma - - but do people really suffer from allergies to the point they can 't go through a day without coughing up a lung ? ? ? I guess they do . It 's just never been that way for me . I just get stuffy or runny nose , depending on the season . So , I got 3 NEW medicines to take and was told to call back in a couple of weeks . Please , oh please let these medicines work . I want to work out and lose this weight , but it 's hard to work out when you start coughing so much you nearly pee your pants on the treadmill ! ! And I 'm the kind of person who NEEDS to work out in order to be motivated to eat right and then the weight comes off . well I just got back from the gym - - that 's where I weigh myself , ya know in private without anybody peeking over my shoulder and boy what a disappointment . I 'm up . 02 , but I guess it coulda been worse after the blow it meals and little to know exercise . So I will count my blessings that it was such a small gain . Exercise is the key for me as well as making sure I don 't give in to the " blow it " meals more than 1 time a week . Oh well , I 'll do better this coming week . I think I 'm gonna go get a Sonic Maltball shake to deal with my disappointment . . . . . that should help , dontcha think ? ? ? ! ! ! ! 3 days later That Other Kid is STILL playing with big bros Legos . . . . soo again I say Praise God for Legos . . . . . I 've gotten a number of THINGS done in the past few days that I normally don 't have a chance to do , since he has been occupied , gloriously occupied ! I have had to take occasional breaks from " my stuff " to play Legos but these times have not lasted long - he just LOVES these Legos . . . . . On a totally different note . . . . Do you change your batteries in your smoke alarms 2 times a year like you 're supposed to ? or are you like our family and wait until they start beeping constantly and driving you to insanity to change them ? We abide by the latter . . . . . and last night the blasted thing started beeping at 5 a . m . - - I ask why 5 am ? ? ? Why can 't that blasted battery wait 3 or 4 more hours ? ? ? The past few times we have had to change batteries they start beeping at 5 a . m . What is magical about 5 am ? ? I think it is to cost me precious hours of sleep . . . . of course no one else in the house is bothered by this irritating constant beeping , so dh got the pleasure of changing the battery first thing this morning and now there is peace so a person could sleep , BUT now the sun is up and everyone knows that you just can 't sleep while the " sun is up " according to That Other Kid 's policy . I on the other hand could sleep " on a gravel road with traffic going past me " according to dh ! Ah . . . . the joys of mothering ! That Kid is studying for a Chemistry exam this afternoon and no , I AM NOT the teacher for this class ! ! - - - I wouldn 't want you to get the idea that I know ANYTHING about Chemistry . . . . except I can spell it ! ! Science isn 't my thang . . . . he goes to a lab class and is doing well in it . I was recording grades last night , as I had gotten a little behind - - like a week or 2 . . . . . and I did a little check on his progress and I was pleasantly surprised ! He is making A 's and high B 's in ALL his subjects , and he has a TON of them . . . . . . so yeah ! ! Gotta go play Legos . . . . . ya 'll have a good day ! and don 't forget to check in tomorrow to see my weight Posted by We spent MILLIONS of dollars on Legos kits when That Kid was a little boy and we saved them ALL so that he could have something of value when he grew up and eventually had kids . ( i 'm not in a hurry for this , mind you ) . . . . He had them stored in a see - thru rubber maid container in his room ( mistake number 1 - let little brother hang out in big brother 's room ) . . . well , That Other Kid was hanging out with him in his bedroom and lo and behold , " what 's in that bucket , " " oh , they 're all my old Legos " , " can I play with them " , " sure , why not " . . . . . well we tried it and we had Legos EVERYWHERE . . . fast forward a few weeks he finds a couple of Lego pieces while looking for another toy , " hey , I wanna play with That Kids , Legos " , " no , " I say . . . . I don 't want another mess to clean . . . Dad steps in and says , " You can 't scatter the Legos and you have to quit when mommy says it 's time to quit playing " , " ok , I promise " . He does a good job and gives me an HOUR of peace and quiet to rest , last night . Fast forward to this morning . . . he starts playing with Legos at 8 a . m . and is STILL playing with them at 12 : 30 p . m . Now if I will just utilize this time for something productive instead of sleep , all will be good ! Please keep my mother and father - in - law in your prayers over the next couple of weeks , as they leave Tuesday for a cruise to Hawaii . . . ah , the joys of being retired ! ! Today I had a BLOW IT DAY . . . . I only got 3 hours of sleep thanks to That Other Kid waking up at 5 : 20 a . m . to pee and not going back to sleep try as I may . . . . then I had to shower at 6 : 30 a . m . to prepare to go to That Kid 's hockey game . Needless to say I walked around like a zombie until I got some good Mexican food with lots of Coke and Chips and Salsa and then a 3 hour nap . . . . . I can 't remember when that happened ! I felt refreshed and ready to at least tackle playing for a couple of hours . We won our hockey game 2 - 1 so we are starting our league games off to a good start . . . . but we played SLOPPY so the coach was not a happy camper ! They will be paying the price for that at this week 's practices , but at least the team will learn that there are consequences to BAD CHOICES including playing sloppy . I think I 'm really going to like this coach - - he wants these boys to learn from their mistakes early on . Kinda life in life , the earlier you learn these lessons the better off you are . Well I need to go to bed . . . . and try to catch up on my sleep - - - hope That Other Kid doesn 't need to pee tonight ! ! ! I woke up feeling just as tired as when I went to bed last night and my leg muscles were very sore . My toe was feeling sore today , too so I decided to use today as my day off from exercise for the week . I decided to not beat myself up over it either which is unusual for me . I 'm going to take this 1 day at a time and do the best I can . I did go to the gym tonight for my weigh - in . I lost 1 pound 2 ounces since Monday { 2 days } , not bad all things considered . I washed and dried a truck load of laundry today so now I need to get it folded , hung and put away , so no rest for the weary . . . . that 's how I feel today . I also need to do some school grading and recording , so I have a lot to do in the next couple of hours . Until tomorrow . . . . I pray you have rest and success in whatever you are doing . Did you know that you can be addicted to COKE , and I 'm not talking about the cocaine kind of COKE ? I 'm talking about the Coke you buy at the local fast food place , in the 12 ounce can at the store , or the vending machine . You see I have become addicted to that little can of caffeine loaded sugar water and I 'm starting to have major withdrawals since I have started the new weightloss challenge . Cokes cost me 600 or more calories a day because a coke isn 't a coke unless it is at least a 32 ounces , ya know ! Right now I can 't afford 600 or more extra calories , cuz you know I need real food like protein , fruits and veggies . How do you deal with your weaknesses ? I think I need a nap . . . . but on the bright side I did exercise both yesterday and today . I rode the stationary bike at the gym and did some crunches , since my broken toe that should have healed a month ago is still somewhat sore , I have to use caution with my choices for exercises . Well I 'm off to get a piece of fruit and take a nap ( oh wait that 's my dream ) . . . real life says I need to clean the kitchen and prepare some food for dinner . Posted by I 'm starting over ! Monday , September 24 is my starting point . I was doing so good for about 3 months , then I really fell off the wagon so to speak . But , I am sick of the way I look and feel ~ all the way from appearance to clothing . I don 't want to be this FAT anymore . . . . soooo tonight I splurged and really went all out with JUNK . I had 3 large 32 oz cokes from Sonic and a big banana split , as well as a burger and fries . There will not be anymore of this kind of eating . I 'm getting this weight OFF to stay ! I 'll weigh myself tomorrow at the gym and try to get my body percents done too . This way I 'll know where I am starting off . My goal is to lose 10 pounds a month ~ 40 pounds by Christmas ! If you are interested in joining me in this journey there are a couple of web sites that I 'm going to be using . The first is http : / / www . myfooddiary . com / It is a journal type site that you pay $ 9 a month to record and document your weight loss , exercise , and daily food intake . Check it out , I think you 'll like what you see . The 2nd site I 'm using is actually a blog - - www . talesfromthescales . net It is a cool blog that helps us with our accountability . I have found that this is the most difficult aspect of losing weight consistantly . . . . staying accountable . If you want to join me in this journey , let me know and I 'll keep in touch with you and we 'll all do better because someone else is checking up on your progress . Do you ever look around your house and say , " How did this place get to be such a disaster ? We haven 't been here long enough to make this much of a mess . " I did this , this weekend . And I decided it was time to tackle at least some of it . The bathrooms were disgusting . . . . they reminded me of some of those nasty old gas station bathrooms that we used to visit when I was a kid and we were on vacation . Mom would send your own roll of tp and tell you not to sit down on the seat . You get the idea . . . . The bathtub needed a good scrubbing , including the purchase of a new shower liner to replace the moldy one ; ( and a anti - slip mat in the tub . It 's nice to have a clean bathtub . . . . Maybe I should keep it clean : ) just a thought , huh ? Next on the agenda , try to clean the carpets some and then vacumn and dust the living room . After that I 'm going to tackle the hardwood floors ! Maybe if I 'm so inclined I 'll even clean the windows and get all the dead bug carcasses off the window sills . Gosh , now I just need to get enough energy to do it all . I hope to have it all done in the next couple of day . Of course , I still have lesson plans to finish up for That Kid for this week , and grade and record the stuff he did on Friday . Hope you have a productive week . . . . Do you ever just sit in your house and listen to the sounds of the air conditioner , computer keyboards clicking from typing and the noises the animals make ? You should it is the most wonderful thing in the world after a noisy and busy day . I 'm getting one of the rare nights of peace and quiet . You see , That Other Kid is in bed sleeping , That Kid is working on a test for his job , dh is working in his office / master bedroom and I am just enjoying the peace . We usually have the tv on in the evenings ; whether we are actually watching something or we have it on just for the noise , it is a rare night that is not on . But , this week has been so busy and LOUD I decided I needed a night of peace . So the tv has been off since 8p . m . and I can 't say I miss it . I will probably turn it on in a bit to catch the local evening news , but afterwards I 'm going to turn it right off . This is something God has been dealing with me on - - just sitting and enjoying the little moments of peace . They are from HIM and I WILL benefit from them . I got an email from my friend today about supporting the National Breast Cancer Society by " clicking for mammograms " . It 's something I already do , but I 'm going to try to put a link on my blog so you can do it if you don 't already . This is to help pay for Mammograms for women who can 't afford them . I am a BIG proponent of the Breast Cancer Society - - my grandma died of Breast Cancer , so it hits close to home . It is 1 of 2 annual tests I get done every year . . . . see my other grandmother died of cervical / ovarian cancer . If you don 't already get these 2 LOVELY tests done annually PLEASE start today ! They could save your life . Ok , sorry to keep you guys hanging over the past few days . Life has been crazy and both my boys are sick so I 've been a bit busy . First - - - the hockey tournament ! The boys won their game Sunday morning so they came in 3rd place . As of now , their record for the new season 6 - 1 - 1 . It 's a good way to start the season . That Kid said the referees were very one sided and they called out of town teams to the penalty box way more than the local team . That 's the way it is in some places , which is SAD . Why can 't the refs just call the game as USA Hockey dictates ? Oh well , our team will adapt ! While That Kid was gone for the tournament , That Other Kid were invited to go to Six Flags Over Texas with some friends . Now I 'm not big on roller coasters and such , but I knew I could handle Looney Tunes area of the park and I knew That Other Kid would have a blast ! We went and I was right , he LOVED IT ! A couple of pics for your enjoyment ! Posted by Things are going well with the hockey tournament . They have played 3 games against 3 different teams , and will play their final game in the morning for 3rd place . Their first game Friday night was a good game to start the tournament with - they won 7 - 1 . But , today was a new day - - they played this morning and tied 2 - 2 and spent a bunch of time in the penalty box . That hurts ~ ! Tonight 's game hurt even worse , by giving us our first big lose - - That Kid didn 't even give me the score , it hurt too badly . Once again , they spent WAY TOO MUCH TIME in the penalty box and racked up 16 penalties , costing the team their coach in the final game tomorrow . It also awarded them 5 laps around the building AFTER they had played 3 - 18 minute periods . Bet they stay outta the box tomorrow ! So far the only injuries have been a sprained ankle on one of the goalies and some blisters on a few players feet . . . . including That Kid 's . . . . Hope they get some sleep tonight and play well tomorrow or it will be a LONG plane ride home Well , my baby ( you know that 17 year olds are still babies in their mommy 's eyes ) is , as I type , on a plane to Ohio for the first out of town hockey tournament of the season . The trip was planned with less than 1 month notice so I didn 't get to attend this one . I 'm kind of bummed , as I hate missing out on part of his life . However , I believe he is in good hands and he will be ok . This trip was designed as a boost to get the season off to a good start and also a team builder . There will be some stiff competition and they will have the opportunity to tour a College Campus , so it can be counted as a " college tour weekend " for those players that plan to go to college . It will be a good weekend , just kind of lonely without 1 of my boys here . I know that God is with him wherever he travels and HE will protect him from all danger , whether in the air , on the ice rink , or in between . If you get a chance please pray for his team this weekend . Thanks a bunch ! My mom and dad recently got a computer so they could send out emails and communicate with relatives . By communicate , I mean send out goofy emails to everyone they know and pass these chain spam emails along to all their children and relatives and aquaintances who also have email . At first I read every one of them . It just didn 't seem right to push the delete button on something dear old mom and dad sent . But then it got to the point where they were sending me 1000 's of these a day ! Don 't retired people have anything to do except pass along emails , I think not ! But on occasion , I will see a subjet line that will suck me in and I 'll read it . Sometimes it is funny , sometimes it is serious , sometimes I open it and immediately delete it before getting to the end . Well low and behold , last week they sent me a email that appealed to me and made me laugh . Maybe it will make you laugh , too . Who knows , maybe you 'll want to hit the delete button . . . . . Let me know your thoughts ! ! ! WHY GOD MADE MOMSAnswers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions : Why did God make mothers ? 1 . She 's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is . 2 . Mostly to clean the house . 3 . To help us out of there when we were getting born . How did God make mothers ? 1 . He used dirt , just like for the rest of us . 2 . Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring . 3 . God made my Mom just the same like he made me . He just used bigger parts . What ingredients are mothers made of ? 1 . God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean . 2 . They had to get their start from men 's bones . Then they mostly usestring , I think . Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom ? 1 . We 're related . 2 . God knew she likes me a lot more than other people 's moms like me . What kind of little girl was your mom ? 1 . My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff . 2 . I don 't know because I wasn 't there , but my guess would be pretty bossy . 3 . They say she used to be nice . What did mom need to know about dad before shPosted by Everybody needs some quiet time , doncha think ? Well I 'm actually getting some this afternoon . It 's a little hard for me to fathom . It just doesn 't happen often and I 'm sitting here thinking " what do I do with myself ? " You see , That Other Kid went to his friend 's house this morning to play and then we went to the Golden Arches to play in the play area . He started getting grumpy ( which is a sure sign of being over tired ) so we decided to call it a day . He fell asleep on the way home and STAYED THAT WAY when I brought him in . It 's been another hour and he 's still zonked ! Maybe he should play with his friend EVERYDAY . . . . That Kid is adjusting to not having a girlfriend to talk to constantly and is doing school work right now , ( which is a good thing since he has about 6 hours of it today ) so it 's quiet in our house . . . . . Except for dh 's cell phone that keeps ringing from his office in the back of the house . . . . . but that 's normal fare around here . The quiet Not So Much ! I should be taking advantage of the quiet and doing something productive or good for me , but I 'm just basking in the quiet . Hope you get some quiet time today ! Yes indeedy , He is . You know just this weekend I was complaining about how I have ' stinkin ' thinkin ' about many different aspects of my life . It 's time for a change . I made some minor changes immediately , the most significant was to stop fighting / arguing with That Kid about the " crazy girlfriend " and just PRAY ! ! ! ! You know that thing God says to do when we want some change or something to happen in our life . Well go figure , just last night That Kid came into our room at midnight and said , " I have something to tell you " . Whenever , he does that it 's serious ! Well he sits down and says " Crazy Girlfriend and I broke up tonight . We realized it 's not going to work out any more " . My first reaction was to jump up and down and shout , but I contained myself , externally anyway ! We talked more ( for about 45 minutes ) and I think the beginnings of getting my non - rebellious teenager back is here . Sooooo , THANK YOU GOD ! ! ! and thanks to Sarah for telling me about the series at church . When I was a young Christian I heard of a motivational speaker named , Zig Ziglar and I thought he was wonderful . He knows how to motivate you , get you to thinkin ' and help you to correct your " stinkin ' thinkin ' " . Well lately , I 've been going through some real ' stinkin ' thinkin ' . I have been down in the dumps , and I haven 't really been able to pull myself out . Things around my house are stressful , but the stuff going on around here probably is no different than in anyone else 's home , with a teenager going throgh a rebellious stage , a preschooler going through a " I need you stage " . I need to get it together if I want to have good relationships with the people in my life . My best friend suggested I try some St . John 's Wart to tackle some of the depression . I haven 't been able to bring myself to take any yet , although I did buy some . I need to do something , since I can hardly stand to be in the same room with myself ! So when Sarah suggested we go to the service at Fellowship Church if we were in the area , I decided to go . . . . the Sermon / Series title is ineed2change . com and I definately need 2 change ! It was very a motivational service and got me to thinking even more . I 'll be attending the whole series and by the end of it I believe that my ' stinkin ' thinkin ' will be gone . I 'll keep you updated and if you happen to think about me in the next few weeks prayers would be appreciated . are keeping me busy . You see That Kid is a junior this year so I need to make sure I keep up on grading and record keeping this year , which I have not been very consistent with in past years . I was forced into it last year , since he played hockey for the local high school team . I did pretty good until the hockey season was over , then I slacked off again . Now it 's time to catch up on past years as well as keep up with this year . So far . . . . . so good . We have completed 1 full week of short days and 4 days of full days and I have graded AND recorded on Edu - track EVERY DAY ! Ain 't ya proud ! ! ! I am ! ! ! and I guess that 's all that matters , huh ? ? My consistency in taking care of school stuff is cutting into MY time after That Other Kid goes to bed , though so I haven 't been able to blog or read blogs as much as I want , but that 's ok my kids are more important than ME TIME . I have been squeezing some in here and there , just not much . I also get to report that I have COOKED dinner 2 times this week . Now I know this sounds trivial , but for the past 3 months we have been eating out nearly every night and by eating out I mean , Sonic , Chick - fil - a , McDonalds , you get the idea . YUCK , I am soooo burned out on eating out that I am trying REAL hard to cook dinner . We can do sandwiches or such for lunch , but dinner needs to be REAL FOOD , prepared by ME , not some short order cook . . . . . Let 's pray I don 't lose my motivation . We have burned soooooo much money this summer , too and that is a big motivator for cooking . Do you cook ? or do you eat out ? ? ? I 'm curious , cuz we are all so busy these days it 's hard to do it all . Just in case you were wondering . . . . . Yes , I 'm still alive and somewhat well , just excruciatingly busy . So much so , that I haven 't had time to blog or hardly even read any which is rare , cuz ya know there 's always time to read a blog or two . ( grin ) But not so this week . Doctor appointments , the start of school , errands , our 23rd anniversary , and our first hockey tournament of the season has kept me running almost non - stop . Of course , we 've had to deal with a crisis or two with That Kid and grumpy and whiny attitudes from That Other Kid , but that is life in our household right now . Hopefully , things will slow down a little this week . I don 't think I can go on too long keeping up with all the excitement . On 2 happy notes - - which are what I am choosing to focus on right now - - That Kid is no longer going out with his CRAZY Girlfriend , yeah ! ! ! and I had a nice date with dh on our 23rd anniversary Friday . We had our wonderful babysitter come take care of That Other Kid ( since the built in one had to work ) and we got to go out to eat BY OURSELVES ! ! ! ! ! We went to a nice restaurant and sat at a REAL table . . . . and I didn 't have to dismantle chicken strips - - that 's a story for another day - - - Then we went to walk around the mall and just talk , which is what we did when we dated and first got married . It was a nice end to a stressful week ! We won all 3 of our hockey games this weekend so we are in 1st place , so we play again in the morning , so I need to fold some laundry and iron some clothes for That Kid . . . they have to show up in dress clothes , before changing into warmup clothes . . . . . He looks sooooooo good ! ! ! I love him so much , please pray he is safe . Hockey is a tough sport , but he loves it ! Have a good Labor Day and don 't labor too much . After the crazy week and weekend that I had just experienced , I was hoping for a quiet week , and so far that 's what I have been given . I 'm still sick and my broken toe is still swollen and bruised and incredibly painful to put any pressure on . I 'm on new medication that knocks me out - so hopefully I can finally get over it all . Of course , I have to go to the Ortho on Friday to have my toe / foot checked out . Lite version of school started yesterday and we made it through both days without too many interruptions . Full school starts next Tuesday , after our first hockey tournament of the season - - its local , yeah ! ! ! Both kids seemed to be ready for some routine , so I 'm going to oblige and see where that gets us . Hope your week is going well so far . That Kid , being a typical teenage boy , decided he wanted a girl friend . It was oh soooo important to have a " girl " to call his own . So about 6 months he started dating a girl . I had my doubts in the beginning , she called at all hours of the day and night - homeschooling allowed a lot of opportunities for phone calls and instant messaging when a typical teen might not be able to socialize . ( I thought homeschoolers were supposed to be anti - social : ) Their relationship grew , as well as my discomfort level of said relationship . Lies started , missed curfews became the norm , general discourse among the normally compliant teenage boy . After a couple of months of dating , he discovers some BIG issues with her that had yet to be finalized and solved . He decided to stay with her , and just accept these ISSUES and work around them . Things have continued to follow the same lines of discourse and now they have been together for 6 months . I am about to ground him AGAIN for lying and basic disobedience . I normally ground for 2 weeks . . . I think I 'm going for 2 months or more this time . Soooooo again I ask what happened to my generally agreeable teenage son 's BRAIN CELLS ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Advice appreciated . . . . A little brother time this evening as " the boys " play video games together . That Other Kid just loves to play games with his brother and he 's pretty good at most of them . He 's a fast learner and That Kid has been playing them with him for probably 1 1 / 2 years . What a good big brother ! ! ! Please excuse the site of the room - - he is afterall , a teenage boy ! From day 1 of That Other Kid 's life , he has been opinionated and demanding . So much so that the first few month 's of his life I slept in the rocking chair , ' cuz his bed / room were not good enough to sleep in . He needed to sleep with mommy - maybe I should say ON mommy . If I wasn 't holding him , he wasn 't sleeping ! Fast foward to 6 months ago - - daddy thought his bossy behavior was amusing so he started saying " obey my orders " " I 'm the boss " and then getting him to repeat the phrases . Fast forward to today - - daddy says That Other Kid needs to do what mommy says , ' cuz mommy is the boss . He turns to daddy and says " no , I 'm the boss , you obey my orders , and mommy has to obey my orders , too . I . AM . THE . BOSS . " I guess we should have seen it coming 3 1 / 2 years ago . . . . . I 'm just the peon around here , he 's the real boss . At least till I get the wooden artiliary out and prove to him that I have more authority ! We will be starting school over the next couple of weeks , in stages . This will be That Kid 's junior year of high school . It has been a long , interesting journey homeschooling him and I would be lying if I said it was always fun . There have been times when he didn 't want to do school and I didn 't either . He has to work HARD to get the kind of grades we expect out of him and he doesn 't always perform under pressure . He has struggled with math throughout his school career , but we have finally gotten help ( in the form of a tutor and a class w / a professional teacher , who happens to have a Ph . D in engineering . It should finally be a sucessful year for math . . . . it 's about time , dontcha think ? Some people might wonder , why didn 't you get help sooner ? I wanted him to want it as bad as I did ! You see with That Kid , when it comes to school , he needs to have a real reason to do it , i . e . ACT 's , and SAT 's so that he can get into a good college . That is his motivation for the next 2 years . He 'll make it . I have faith and confidence in God that He will fulfill His promise , " I can do all things through Him who gives me strength " . I claim this for That Kid this year , as this year will really be a big CHALLENGE . Prayers will be appreciated as always . Nighty , night . . . . . . Kirstie at My Journey Home tagged me for my first meme . I 'm sooo lucky cuz my middle name is short . . . . . so I 'm supposed to do rules first then the meme , so here we go . . . . . WHAT ' S IN A NAME ? 1 . You have to post these rules before you give the facts . 2 . Players , you must list one fact that is somehow relevant to your life for each letter of their middle name . If you don 't have a middle name , use the middle name you would have liked to have had . 3 . When you are tagged you need to write your own blog - post containing your own middle name game facts . 4 . At the end of your blog - post , you need to choose one person for each letter of your middle name to tag . Don 't forget to leave them a comment telling them they 're tagged , and to read your blog . Ann is really my middle name - I started going by it when we first moved to Texas . My first name didn 't really seem to fit me or Texas , and besides I never really liked it . Now seemed like a good time , since no one knew me from Adam or Eve as the case is . So . . . . Avid reader . I love to read , which is how I got started reading blogs . My favorite reads right now are short , historical novellas . I can read a few pages here and there ( like in the bathroom ) , since I really don 't have a lot of time to read , with all the blogging and preparations for our new home school year . Nurturer . . . . . I love to take care of my kids and nurture them in any way they let me . It is getting harder as That Kid is growing up into a young man , but That Other Kid still loves to snuggle , cuddle , and get hugs and kisses , so I 'm going to treasure this opportunity and do the best I can with my young man . Nasty patient - - - I hate being sick or injured . So , needless to say I have been rather difficult to get along with for the past month or so since I have sick and / or injured . I 'm praying that my family forgives my grumpiness . Now I 'm supposed to tag 3 people with names beginning with the letters of my name : Addie at http : / / littlewomenmomma . blogspot . com / and if your name begins with " N " please consider yourself tagged . IPosted by Here are a couple of shots of out completely tolerant dog , Rex . Read on for more of the story . ( Oh , and ignore the " junk " in the shot with him , he wasn 't really in the mood for a formal pose in a perfect location . ) Beth Moore and her daughter Amanda write one of the best blogs I read on a regular basis . Check them out http : / / livingproofministries . blogspot . com / and you will be blessed , for sure ! The entry there today was about dogs and their antics . I thought to myself , Gosh , it 's too bad I don 't have anything clever to write about our dog , Rex or " poopfin " in the words of That Other Kid and lo and behold he did something worth writin ' about , at least it will get a laugh . He is a Sheltie and sometimes that tail just gets in the way of his bodily functions , if you get my drift . Today was one of those days . We kept smelling something strange whenever the dog came near us . We thought , maybe he has gas - - out he goes . A few minutes later he come back in , we still smell it . Oh well , he just needs a bath . A little later , we see a smear of , how shall we say it , residue , on the carpet , exactly where he had just laid down . Then a few minutes later another smear . Ok , lets take a looksee ' ' Oh yes , there is a BIG Smear of Residue " ! The dog goes out and I get the distinct pleasure of hosing the dog down . Now if you knew me very well you would know that this dog was not my idea - - I 'm not a dog person . I am much more of a cat person , so this was not my idea of a fun activity and there was always the thought " what if he decides to take a hunk out of my hand or steps on my " still bruised , and broken toe " . But alas , he is the best dog , ever and he just stood there and let me clean his b * tt with a cold hose . He was happy to be done with this little " torture " and I gave him extra treats . Hope to read some more great dog stories , soon . I 'm walking again ! Please support me by making a one time donation or a monthly donation . The walk this year is November 2 - 4 and I will be raising $ 2300 to walk 60 miles for breast cancer !
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How is this year over already ? I swear it was just a couple of weeks ago I was doing the exact same thing I am now - sitting on the couch watching Dick Clark 's Rockin Eve on TV while Jillian and James are asleep . : - ) I mostly likely will not make it to midnight to ring in the New Year ( thanks to Nyquil ) , and I 'm completely okay with that . Here are the top 12 moments for the Houlin family in 2012 : 1 . We bought a house ! 2 . Jillian turned one ( and hated her birthday party . ) 3 . Jillian and I had an awesome trip to Florida in the summer . 4 . I started teaching for Provo 's online school , allowing me to be at home more . 5 . James has good news that can 't be revealed until next week ! 6 . Michaela lived in Utah for a while - it was awesome . 7 . We got to see our California family that we hadn 't seen in years ! 8 . I got a new car ( that we had to drive to east itchy butt no where aka Kansas to get ) 9 . My family came to Utah for the week of July 4th and we had an AWESOME time up in Heber / Midway . 10 . I went skiing for the first time . 11 . James and I celebrated our 4 year anniversary . I honestly think this has been the best year yet ! I love that man ! 3 . We always said we would start trying for baby # 2 when Jillian turned two ( which is this summer ) . . . so we shall see about that . composed by - I literally just googled " hairtstyles for toddlers with mullets . " I didn 't really find the results I was looking for ( why you fail me google ? ! ) . . but Jillian 's hair situation is desperate . Home girl has a mullet to the David Bowie - th degree . I did pin some cute ideas when she has more hair up top . In the mean time . . . I guess we 'll rock the pig tails . . . daily . - Why did I decide to paint my kitchen cabinets again ? Holy WORK Batman ! My kitchen ( and basically entire main floor ) is a disaster area . ( see ? Disaster zone . ) - I 'm so over being sick . I asked James , " What if you couldn 't breathe out of your mouth and you were really congested ? " He said , " You 'd die . " I guess that makes sense . Good things we can breathe out of our mouths . - Is it summer yet ? All the snow outside is re - dic - a - lus . Not to mention anytime the door has been opened , a blast of arctic air shoots through the entire house . I haven 't driven my car the last couple of days ( or even stepped outside really - sick , remember ? ) and it wouldn 't even start this morning . Umm . . . what ? - Not ready for Christmas break to be over . . . but ready for all the Christmas stuff to be put away . Jillian 's into straight up throwing the ornaments now . . aye aye aye . - I FINALLY found some new couch pillows I like at Target . HOL - E - CRAP I love Target ! ( every time folks ) I decided to make a lot of Christmas crafts and presents this year . Bad idea . I think I took on way too much . I was painting my last project on Christmas Eve . Everything turned out great ( except for the tile sign I 'm still working on for James ' mom because my stupid Cricut is having issues ) . I didn 't get pictures of everything , because I was too busy trying to actually finish them in time , but here are a couple : Sign for Nana ( my mom ) : I used the frame underneath to make a photo collage for my Dad of pictures of him with Jillian . Bibs and matching burp cloths for Jon & Sarah 's new baby , Theodore : And the project I 'm most proud of , Jillian 's table and chairs set . I got the set from Ikea for $ 20 ( such a good deal ) . It comes in a rather boring wood / white combination . . . and that just would not do . The chairs are covered in scrapbook paper ( the most adorable patterns I 've ever seen ) . It took a LOT of time and a LOT of Mod Podge . The table is painted on the legs and has chalkboard paint on the top . So worth it , but so glad to be done with it ! She loves it ! Success . Merry Christmas ! Here are some pictures ( iphone quality - as most of them are ) from our morning . In the wee hours of the morning , Jillian woke up around 1 with a fever ( darn these molars ! ) . We gave her some motrin and Benadryl ( heh . . . ) to help her get through the rest of the night . Thanks to Sir Benadryl she slept until 8 : 30 ! What a wonderful Christmas present . James ' dad and brother were over for Christmas morning . It 's always fun seeing them ! Jillian was over all a little confused . When we unveiled her kitchen and table , she was kind of looking at it like " What is this ? For me ? " And looking at us like , " Why the heck are you guys making such a big deal out of this ? " Haha . She also didn 't really get the unwrapping part of the presents . I 'm sure we 'll be in full force Christmas kid crazy next year ( and all the years after ) , so it was nice to have a relaxed morning ! In my family it 's always a tradition to have a big Christmas brunch . And big it was . I 'd been cooking nearly the entire day before and a good chunk of the morning ! My efforts were not in vain . We had chunky cinnamon french toast casserole with fresh cream and berries , sausage quiche , spinach and mushroom quiche , sweet and spicy bacon , and fresh fruit . YUM - O . Also , I need to get on that gym joining thing like STAT . I ate a piece of cheesecake for lunch . . . just . . . cheesecake . Jillian 's been having a rough few nights . It 's guaranteed she 'll wake up some where between 12 - 2 with a poopy diaper , runny nose , and a fever . Two of the three things we tribute to teething molars ( death be to the molars ) . Christmas night proved to be no different , she still woke up . But this time she was on fire . Her fever was over 104 and she had a weird rash on her legs and arms that looked like clusters of purple mosquito bites . I called my dad ( Dr . Papa ) and he said go ahead and take her into the ER to get checked and make sure the rash wasn 't a bacterial infection . Aye aye aye . Why do our ER visits always happen in the middle of the night ? Anyway . We bundled up Jillian and headed down to Utah Valley , where it was far less than busy . Funny how things move so slowly in an emergency room . I guess they didn 't want to be there either . They checked her out and gave her a strep test . After much thrashing and screaming and attempts on our part to hold her down to be looked at , they gave her some Benadryl for the rash ( oh bless ye Benadryl ) . Jillian was cradled in James ' arms when the nurse was giving it to her . She pulled away at the same time the nurse squirted the syringe and it ended up all over James ' face . Classic . She was super embarrassed . The strep test came back negative and turns out it 's just her THIRD viral bug this month . Kid can 't stay well . We got back home around 3am . And now we 're sitting on the couch watching the third episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse . Because we 're tired , and we can . Merry Christmas ! We saw A Christmas Carol at the Hale Center Theater . They did such a great job ! Makes me wonder sometimes how people in little Orem , Utah are so talented . . . and people like Kristen Stewart are the ones to make millions of dollars for " acting " . Hmmm . . . It was fa - fa - freezing that night , which sucks because you have to wait outside of the Theater in line to get your tickets . There was a scene towards the end where Bob Cratchit visits Tiny Tim 's grave and sings What Child is This ? and snow falls from the ceiling . I couldn 't help but tear up as that was the reality for so many parents in Connecticut this Christmas . Thoughts and prayers still with them . composed by Saturday night we got together with aaaalllll the Abrea side of the family ( James ' mom 's side ) for dinner , games , and even some Christmas karaoke . It was a good time . We don 't get together often enough , but when we do it 's always a hoot . Crazy Argentinians . . . Argentines ? We 're not exactly sure . . . I was absolutely devastated at the news of today 's events and the horrific tragedy that happened in Connecticut today . I 've run that scenario in my mind before , as an elementary school teacher . What would I do ? Would my hands stop shaking enough to lock my door ? Would I be able to keep it together enough to know what to do to keep my kids safe ? Do we run out ? Do we stay in and hide ? How horrible to actually have to think of those things . After watching the news for several minutes about the events and new details that were coming to light , before I even realized it I was praying that those babies would be blessed and their parents feel some kind of comfort . Because they were - babies . I don 't know why horrible things happen . I don 't know why people are called home before what seems like their time to go and in such appalling circumstances . I do know that every single one of those children is with Heavenly Father and has been embraced by the arms of Jesus Christ . I pray that their families will feel some relief tonight and in the days to come in knowing this . Several years ago when my youngest sister passed away , I came across this poem that I absolutely love . They 're additional verses to the children 's hymn I am a Child of God and how true they are . I am a child of God and He has called me home . My earthly journey 's through but still , I do not walk alone . He leads me , guides me , walks beside me , helps me find the way . He welcomed me with open arms . I live with Him today . I am a child of God and I have gone ahead . My earthly life was brief but oh , such peace and love you gave . You loved me , held me , stood beside me and though I cannot stayYou gave much to help me and I live with Him today . I am a child of God and I will wait for you . Heavenly glory shall be ours , if you can but endure . I 'll lead you , guide you , walk beside you . Help you find the way . I 'll welcome you with open armsOne bright Celestial day . I 'm almost done Christmas shopping ! YAY ! ! ! I decided to make presents for all the grandparents this year . . . which may or may not have been a good idea . . . since those all still have to be made . We 're kind of in this weird stage where we still try to do some Christmas traditions we grew up with , but we 're also figuring out what Christmas traditions we want our little family to have . My family always did a Secret Santa drop on Christmas Eve to a few families that were in need , and I loved it . So we wanted to do something along those lines to focus more on giving than just Santa Claus and cookies . I 'd seen the " 12 days of kindness " idea floating around Pinterest and really liked it . Basically you do a random act of kindness each day for the 12 days leading up to Christmas . Here 's what we came up with . . . Woo - hoo ! Today I technically have to do days 12 and 11 because yesterday I couldn 't find a stinkin ' bag to put the treats in for the mailman . Oh well . composed by We took Jillian to meet Santa tonight ! We have a few Santa things around the house , and she always says , " Where 's Santa ? " and will go point to one of them . I think she 's definitely made the red hat / white beard connection . It was FREEZING outside , but I think Riverwoods at Christmas time is so gorgeous . Put a bajillion Christmas lights on every tree branch there is and I 'm sold . So we went . Much to our surprise , she didn 't freak out . In one sense this disappointed me because I already had our Christmas card idea planned out , based around the picture of her sitting on Santa 's lap screaming her head off . But nope . She was a little confused , but content . After we walked away she said , " Bye Santa ! " and started smiling . It was pretty cute . We stopped by Kneaders on the way home and got delicious goodies . Pumpkin steamers are my new favorite things . So are gingerbread men with chocolate pants the size of my face . composed by ( She has a bit of a lactose intolerance ) . The smell hit me first and I knew something bad happened . Like maybe something had gone off in the fridge , or a dead hooker was stuffed under my couch . When Jillian started walking towards me it all clicked . Oh crap . I think this was like the 4th time today ( like I said , too much cheese ) . I was sitting cross - legged on the floor and she came and plopped herself in my lap . This is okay for a second , right ? I mean , she IS wearing a diaper . It WAS okay . . . until she started doing the baby cha cha with her hips . Then it all happened in slow motion . Every time she squirmed , she was squishing the poop out of her diaper and down the legs of my jeans . In one fell swoop , I scooped her up and we ran upstairs to the bathtub . I didn 't want to take the diaper off in the tub for fear of what would trickle onto the bath mat . So I left her standing in the tub and stripped off my jeans . Then laid her on the floor and took her diaper off / used fifty thousand wipes to clean her up and put her back in the tub . I redressed myself and proceeded to give her a bath . WHEW . I think I deserve a metal of honor for that one . That all being said , I 've been thinking of a little gift to give some girls at church . This incident reminded me of a poem about poop . And wah - lah . ( It 's not really poop . . . they 're chocolate truffles . Yum . ) Tonight we made sugar cookies . They were delicious . I think my mom has one of the best recipes for sugar cookies . It was Jillian 's first time decorating and eating her own cookie , so naturally we had to document the play - by - play . Success . She said " de - shish ! " Translation : delicious . And then she just wanted to shake the sprinkles . . . everywhere . composed by Not for a very happy reason . . . he came to steal Michaela away and drive her back to Florida . Well , I guess she 's going quite willingly . She wants to be there for the couple of months before she goes on her church mission ( understandable I guess ) . Nevertheless , I will miss her something awful . Who is going to show me funny youtube videos ? Or update my quote board ? Or get cupcakes with me ? Or load my dishwasher ? Aye aye aye . . . Anyway . So my Dad flew in yesterday afternoon and we spent the day playing / eating / shopping / walking around temple square / riding in a horse carriage in Salt Lake . Jillian ( who is usually very wary of new people ) took right to him like they didn 't even miss a beat . december is for fatties ( Please know I 'm writing this post with the complete intention of stopping halfway through to go make the strawberry shake I 've been thinking about all night ) . Anyway . So here 's the deal . I 'm not gonna try to kid myself and skimp out on the Christmas goodies this year to avoid gaining a few lb 's . I like my Christmas goodies . And I like baking them even more . What I am gonna do , is work my butt off . mmmhmmm . . . . happening right now . The plan : workout 5 days a week using Jillian Michael 's Ripped in 30 dvd . She doesn 't mess around y ' all . I like her workouts because they 're only 30 minutes , but you feel like your body just went through 2 hours of torture . Good pay off . The reward : getting a membership to Gold 's Gym in January ! Woot woot ! Ever since my favorite Zumba studio closed down , I haven 't settled on a gym that I want to join ( thus haven 't been going ) . But I 'm gettin ' tired of working out at home . Plus , Jillian isn 't the best when it comes to workout partners . I figure I 'll appreciate it more if I work to get it . So BRING ON the sugar cookies . . . . just kidding . . . not sugar cookies . . . I don 't really like sugar cookies . ahem . So BRING ON other delicious Christmas treats ! AND BRING IT ON JILLIAN MICHAELS ! ! ! composed by Today when we pulled out the Christmas tree ( yep , it 's fake . Bought it the 1st year we were married on Black Friday for like $ 25 . Totally not an exciting Black Friday purchase . ) and decorations , glitter got all over everything . It didn 't help I made two crafts this year by doing the whole Elmer 's glue / dump - a - butt - load - of - glitter - on - it crafts . James said he loves Christmas , hates glitter . In this house , Christmas and glitter go together like a fat kid with a jar of peanut butter . I was really looking forward to Jillian 's reaction to the tree . Everyone said to only decorate the top half , but my inner OCD just wouldn 't let me . I figure we can try to teach her not to pull down the ornaments . . . right ? ( somewhere someone reading this is going to laugh and shake their head at that notion - challenge accepted ) . In my mind I pictured this whole event a little more " Norman Rockwell " than it actually was . . . but it was still fun . She loved putting the ornaments on the branches ! She didn 't even hesitate . Her inner monologue was something like this I 'm sure , " Oh . We 're putting these shiny balls on this tree that is inside our house . That makes total sense ! I 'm in . " All she really said was , " Balls ! " and " Good job " after she put on an ornament . Then she just wanted to put them on and take them off over and over again for a few minutes . After 10 minutes of the whole tree thing , she lost interest all together and wanted to build a tower with her stacking cups . Maybe I 'll have better luck keeping those ornaments on the tree than I thought . We 're in full , jolly swing over here . Now I just need to get shoppin ' ! composed by Tonight we went on a double date with Jon & Sarah ! That hasn 't happened in forever . ( A date . . . or a double date ) . We hit up some temppanyaki in Provo ( which ultimately just made me miss Yamato 's back home ) . Some day I really want to learn how to do that . Then we went to the BYU basketball game . On the way down I told James , " I don 't think I 've ever been to a BYU basketball game . . " To which he responded , " Uh . . yes you have . . . that was our first date . " . . oops . Come to think of it I have a vague memory of that . I could 've sworn I had a picture for proof , but after searching through all my pictures from college for like 30 minutes . . . apparently we don 't have a picture from that date . As Sarah and I were watching the student section and all of their enthusiasm and rambunctious cheering , I told her I felt like that part of my life was soooo long ago . She said she couldn 't believe how much energy they had ( something an 8 month along pregnant girl would notice ) . Ohhhh college . Good times . It was fun to be all nostalgic . Except I totally forgot the fight song . I guess I 'm not that big of a Cougar after all ( totally okay with that ) . And now it 's 10 : 00 , and I want to go to bed . Because I 'm an old college graduate married boring person . : - p On an unrelated note , we busted out the Christmas decor today ! Usually I 'm not one to get out any red or green until December 1st , but this year I couldn 't contain my excitement . I even taught Jillian how to say " Santa ! " EEEE ! ! ! ! ! I spent all afternoon working a ton of craft projects ( finished the snow globes , glitter reindeer , and chalkboard sign today ! ) . I 'm still working on some giant glitter ornaments out of styrofoam balls . My back porch is incredibly shiny and I might have ruined some patio furniture ( ruined could also be interpreted as " enhanced with clumps of glitter " ) . Yay for Christmas ! composed by I have literally zero pictures from Thanksgiving this year . Fail . Or the entire 5 days my mom and brother were here ! Double fail ! It was still a good time though . We went shopping . . . a lot . . . we also saw Twilight ( so good ! ) and ate too much junk food . Ya know , the usual . Thanksgiving day we went to James ' mom 's house with the whole clan . I made a vanilla & salted caramel cheesecake that smelled amazing . I didn 't actually get to taste it , because in the middle of my delicious Thanksgiving dinner ( well , lunch really ) I got sucker - punched in the gut with a bad case of the " HOLYCRAPYOUGONNADIE " . I think people were getting the wrong idea . . . James ' grandma came up to me and whispered , " Does this mean Jillian is going to have a sibling ? " . . . Nope . Haha . It does not . It was all down hill after that . We stayed for a few more hours , but fortunately I made it home without vomitting on anything / anybody . That didn 't last much longer though . . . Have you ever barfed whole chunks of anything ? It 's awful . It gets all clogged in your nose and such . . . igchk . My nose was burning and I got the worst headache from trying to blow out the carrot chunks that thought they could stay up in my nose piece . I don 't want to eat Thanksgiving dinner ever again . It was completely scrumptious the first time around . . . not so much the second . Whatever bug I got seemed to also hit James to some degree . BOO . Needless to say , we had a very lazy Black Friday with absolutely no shopping . Regardless of all the barfing going on around these parts , I 'm still feeling very grateful for everything I have . I have the best guy to take care of me and bring me glasses of ice water in the middle of the night and get up with Jillian when she decides she wants to eat at 2am , the cuddliest 16 month old in penguin fleece footed PJ 's who cuddled with me an entire 30 minutes on the couch tonight , and the best family in the world to spend time with over the last few days . Sure am glad I have those folks forever . I promise there will be many more pictures ( and posts for that matter ) in December . I AM SO STINKIN ' EXCITED FOR CHRISTMAS ! ! ! ! composed by Last Tuesday we got tickets to go to California on Friday . Talk about last minute ! My parents and brother were flying out for my Grandma 's 85th birthday and wanted us to come along ( and of course my mom takes any chance she gets to see Jillian ! ) Go figure Jillian would pop a fever the night before we flew out . . . babies . . . they have impeccable timing . Even that morning when my alarm went off at 6 : 00 to get up and get ready to go , I wasn 't sure if we were still going . But with a couple prayers and a few mL of Motrin later , we were off ! ( Can you believe when you fly from Salt Lake to Sacramento - a 1 . 5 hr flight - you have a layover ? ! So instead of what should have taken only 2 hours start to finish , took a whopping 6 ! . . . lame . . . at least Seattle is GORGEOUS this time of year . ) It was way fun seeing my Dad 's side of the family in Cali - it had been years ! They 're seriously hilarious . That must be a Shannon trait . Jillian on the other hand , was a grumpy beaver . She would only let ME hold her , put her to sleep , and anything else that required the least degree of care . And I thought I 'd have somewhat of a " free " weekend because my mom being there . . . nope ! That little booger . We went to Bidwell Park , where my Dad used to play when he was a kid . Nostalgic . Jillian got to play with my cousin 's kids . I have no idea what that relation is . . . We also visited my Grandpa 's and cousin Kurti 's grave . Jillian had to stroll around the cemetery in a diaper and a blanket . . . because she soaked through her outfit and I was ill prepared . Good thing no one else was there . 1 ) The Shann - clan with Grandma 2 ) Gigi and the great grand - kiddos 3 ) Grandma and the grandkids 4 ) Grandma and 3 of the 5 kids Jillian definitely got jipped her first Halloween . She was a really tricky baby that required a lot of planning when going out , so when she fell asleep 15 minutes before we were supposed to head out to our church Halloween party - we just decided to call it a night . So she had no " first Halloween " and no " first costume " ( which is probably why I took a ridiculous number of pictures this year ) . This Halloween was a lot more costume - y and festive than last Halloween . It 's amazing to me that during our first three years of marriage , I couldn 't convince James to dress up at all , as anything ( he HATES Halloween ) . And then magically when you have a kid you can dress up , he not only agrees to participate in Halloween festivities , but wears fur pants ! A miracle I tell you . A miracle . ( Apparently the more kids you have , the more you get into the " spirit " of it all - as evidenced by my brother who has two daughters and went as Peter Pan , tights and all ) : - D Tuesday night we went to our friend Jen 's trunk - or - treat party . Jillian had no idea what was going on and was terrified of James ' wolf hat . But as soon as we gave her a Dum - dum sucker , she was a happy camper . By the way , whoever said it 's as easy as " taking candy from a baby " has clearly never done it - because I 'm pretty sure it was the end of the world when we took that sucker away . Isn 't my moo - moo so . . . slimming ? On Halloween , my favorite cupcake place ( Sweet Tooth Fairy ) was giving away a free cupcake to anyone who came in dressed up ! HELLO ! Michaela joined in on the fun as the big bad wolf . Annnddd lastly , we took a stab at trick - or - treating . We knew there was an 80 / 20 chance Jillian would hate it and cry a lot . Statistics did not disappoint . We made it to two doors , but through lots of piles of leaves ! My favorite part of the night was that it was Michaela 's first time passing out candy to trick - or - treaters . That 's what happens when you grow up in the country y ' all . The first time the door bell rang she panicked , " What do I do ? What do I SAY ? ! " Ohhh Michaela . Haha . Needless to say she got the hang of it pretty quick . Until next year ! ( Stay tuned . . . maybe James will progress to tights ! ) I 'm mostly just trying to keep my head above water over here ( and by water I mean a sea of diapers , dirty dishes , and Pinterest ideas ) . I also like to decorate and throw some parties along the way ! Because if you 're treading water you might as well throw some glitter in the air and paint a few things while you 're at it . . . Right ?
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Howdy strangers ! ! ! I know its been a while but I 've been keeping tabs on you all ! I 'm shocked that summer has come and gone and my baby is no longer a baby . My Aunt died 2 weeks ago . . . yet another loss to that horrible monster Cancer . She was my dads sister . My father is one of eight . . . big family ? I think so since I was only one of three . This was very hard on all of them , not only did they lose a beloved sister but I believe more than one of them started to face their own mortality . I think that 's natural , but my father actually told me to prepare myself for alot more funerals . . . . his M . O . has always been saying the most inappropriate thing at the most inopportune time . By some miracle I got the time off of work to go and drove down to Chicago both days for the wake and the funeral . As I stood in front of the open casket , I tried like hell to summon the appropriate emotion , but I couldn 't . . . I feel sad , at one point I considered myself close to my aunt , I certainly loved her dearly , my heart ached for my uncle and my cousins , but I felt nothing . I was numb . People come up and say " doesn 't she look beautiful " or " didn 't they do a great job " . . . my honest thought is : no , she looks like she fought hard and lost , she gave everything she had and it wasn 't enough . There is beauty in the determination but not the final result . Maybe my emotions are all used up . I feel selfish and ugly and wish I could offer more , but I stood there with my mouth shut , no comfort whatsoever . Then my sister walked in . I have not spoken to her in 2 1 / 2 years , since my mom died . We were at moms house going through stuff and my brother got mad over a Christmas ornament . That was all it took for my sister to snap . She kicked me out of the house . She sent me a nasty letter calling me a bad mother , criticizing my then 3 year old . Told me she was tired of me " boo hooing " over mom . And said the list of things wrong with me is too long and goes too far back to list in her paragraph , single spaced , typed letter that she had certified mailed to me so she would be assured that I received such an emotional blow . She went on and had movers deliver a piece of furniture to my house which cost my portion of the estaPosted by I had a wonderful day ! Maddie had decorated a pot and planted a beautiful little flower for me . She made this at school ( I 'm quite surprised the teachers didn 't encourage her to pee on it as they can no longer stand me , but this is a post for another time . . . and they will be getting a very strongly worded letter shortly ) . We went to the zoo . We get a zoo pass every year and go quite often . Maddie loves all the animals and I think its good exercise . . . we usually go a few times a month but this was our first trip of the season . The weather was great . I ran into an old friend , who I thought I had seen pretty recently but since she had two kids and didn 't have any the last time we hung out I guess it was not that recently . I tend to do that ( if it hasn 't been obvious with my posts ) I fly under the radar for a while and then resurface . I have wonderful friends that I see every blue moon . She asked about my mom and of course told her she died ( hard to say out loud I guess ) I started crying . . . but did manage to pull myself together rather quickly . I thought about my mom quite a bit as I always do , yesterday I wore her perfume , is that weird ? Maddie did all her favorites : rode the ponies , train , carousel , and fed the goats ( they didn 't seem all that hungry and she was practically force feeding them ) . I took lots of pictures , but naturally I forgot my digital camera and had to use one of those throw away cameras . . . will post when I get them developed ! Off to the grocery store and we cooked a delicious meal . Made my favorite fruit salad that my mom always made . Then we decided to watch a movie . Maddie wanted Scooby Doo and I wanted Harry Potter , since we couldn 't agree we decided on Annie . We finished the night with the 3 S 's : singing , snuggling and snacking ! Maddie , Mini and I went for a walk last night . I grabbed a garbage bag ( to clean up after Mini ) and Maddie grabbed one as well . . . I asked her what her bag was for and she said " picking up garbage so I can save the Earth " ! That is exactly what she did , she picked up garbage the whole way ! ! ! She is awesome ! Maddie brought this beautiful work of art home today . I realize those 2 green nubs in front are probably suppose to be the arms or paws . To me it looks like an armless kangaroo with boobs . I started a book club with a mom from Maddie 's class . I have read , so far , a lot of really great books and had wonderful fellowship with someone who understands my frustration with the school etc . We used to meet in a cute little coffee shop and discuss our books , we have slowly migrated to the bar and now discuss over bloody mary 's . Her husband works late on Wednesday night , so our kids have had a standing play date every Wednesday for the past two months . . . this Wednesday is rollerskating ; wish me luck that I don 't break anything as it has been YEARS since I 've been on skates . Although , with the right music , I 'm quite certain I can remember the carefully prepared skating routines of my youth ! Update : Maddie is still going to talk with someone about once a month . So far , the therapist says shes : engaging , delightful , looks you in the eye when talking , plays wonderfully . . . in other words a happy , normal child . She senses some anxiety about school and is starting to question what is going on there . Hmmm interesting right ? Let me give you a snapshot of her day , say Friday for example . There is a little boy in her class who , sadly , really does have some anger issues . I have seen him in front of teachers and all the parents , kick and hit and push my book club mom 's son . They constantly have to be separated ! When this kid loses control its like he can 't focus , nothing behind his eyes type of not focus , he really gets angry . Have any of you ever witnessed something like that ? Not only is it scary , but its heartbreaking because he 's only 5 for goodness sake . Book club son was not in school Friday so this kids new target was my Maddie . . . not the first time , he caused a ruckus in the lunch room last week because he was throwing her lunch box and hitting her . Maddie was playing leapfrog and bumped into him and he started kicking her , when she fell , he kicked her in the stomach . Apparently , what happened next was described as " fists were flying " and Maddie had to be pulled off this kid 3 separate times . Maddie was sent to the direcPosted by Since my last post , I 've been reminiscing over some of the truly humiliating things that my daughter has said in front of people . Of course only the embarrassing stuff is said clear as a bell , not in toddler speak only a parent can understand . We were walking down the street about 6 months ago and an older couple was walking towards us when Maddie said " mom , scoot over , here come some old people and we don 't want them to fall on us " . As if older people fall all over unsuspecting passersby . They heard . Embarrassing ? Yes . The worst ? No . The worst that I can recall was when I went to pick her up at daycare , along with at least 5 other moms and dads . I had previously cut my thigh shaving ( thigh is kind of stretching it as I cut myself closer to my knee ) and my wonderful almost 4 year old says " hey momma , remember when you cut your crotch shaving ? " Good Lord , I couldn 't get out of there fast enough . I am still missing random meals . I 've noticed that when I do swear , its usually when I 'm having conversations with myself . I try very hard not to swear in front of Maddie because honestly there is nothing more disturbing then the word douche bag passing through a three year olds lips ( even more disturbing when she used it properly when somebody cut me off in traffic ) . . . . so I learned a while ago to watch my mouth in front of her . I find when I miss meals I am completely by myself , usually working , or reading , or watching TV ~ dumb , dumb , dumb . My very best friend , and my partner in this is looking forward to Easter when she can celebrate the resurrection . . . of her cursing . I 'm still convinced I 'll be cured . I consider myself a good neighbor . If I have it , I loan it . If I can help , I do . I live in a downtown area above a cute little store , so I don 't really have alot of neighbors . The one I did , I tried very hard to like . Single mom , just out of jail after making several major blunders . . . 5 involving drinking and driving . I 'm no one to pass judgement so naturally I am friendly and cordial because she 's just younger than me and really seemed to be trying hard . When my father would come up for a visit and bring me lots of goodies , he would bring her some too . I would lend her Cd 's , DVDs , tools , spices etc . I would give her rides places since she obviously couldn 't drive . Eventually , I stopped because it was apparent that it was a friendship based on convenience ( not to mention I didn 't get half of my stuff back ) and she was maybe suffering with some entitlement issues . . . the whole world owes me so why not start with you type of gal . . . but I 'm not judging , just not my type of friend . Today I find out she is in jail for prostitution . She was letting men into her place via the roof , past my daughters bedroom ( outside roof ) into her bedroom . Apparently intelligence isn 't a job requirement . . . multiple strange men crossing a roof does not seem like an attention grabber at all . . . IDIOTS . I 'm appalled . No matter where I am in my life , people always bring me up short and amaze me . . . like smokers , yes I know its addictive , but who hasn 't heard about smoking yet ? Prostitution ? Seriously ! ! ! BTW : I am in no way comparing hookers to smokers . . . I 'm just saying . In the tradition of seemingly never doing the right thing , my wonderful friend and I have decided , once again , to give up swearing for Lent . ~ This includes all swear words and made up words that could imply swearing . For example : calling someone an a - hole rather than an actual asshole is still swearing . Of course using Maddie 's made up swear word of Hossiepops is definitely off the table . Sadly , I must admit , swearing is like a second language for me , and I am fluent . When I was a teenager , my mom caught me swearing and said I could say anything she did . . . As a woman who was recently divorced , entering the work force again after twenty years with three teenagers , let me say that her offer just about opened the door for saying anything and everything . . . except the Lords name in vain . There are consequences to breaking the rules and swearing . . . I 'm not talking about flogging or stoning each other like the good old days . Our punishment comes in the form of missed meals . Every time we swear , we miss the next meal . . . yikes . We did this last year , every time I swore I would lose drinking soda for the day and then on to missing meals . By the end of the first night , I was thirsty and starving . I figure by Easter we will be cured . Today was a great day ! I visited a very dear friend of mine that I 've known since kindergarten . My Maddie plays with her niece , so we had a free day and treated ourselves to pedicures . I don 't do this very often , but love it and I 'm going to make a point to treat myself more often ! Then we went and saw a movie " he 's just not that into you " . . . it was OK , again , nice to be out . When we got home I treated my special little valentine to her own pedicure , purple to match her cast , and then I bedazzled her little walking shoe ! I hope everyone is having a great weekend ! I took this picture before I was finished bedazzling , I must admit I got a little carried away . . . in addition to lugging around a heavy cast , I 've added 5 - 10 lbs of gems and rhinestones ! My very dear friend Mike assured me that I have not lost out on Mother of the Year just yet . . . When he was about 16 , he was driving home from picking up a pizza and got into a car accident . Before his dad took him to the hospital , he went to the junk yard to pick up the pizza . : ) I 'm not sure if I feel better or sad for Mike . Maddie fell at recess yesterday , turns out she broke her foot in 3 places . Found this out after I made her suffer with broken bones all night thinking she was just being dramatic . . . . maybe I 'll be the 2010 Mother of the Year . I think I 've blown it this year . Oh , and I jammed the tampon machine at the hospital . . . . I should not be allowed out of my house . The original purpose of this blog was not to bitch about the goings ons in my daily life , I just thought it would be something fun , because lets face it , I like fun and don 't generally look at myself as a negative Nellie type of person ( no offense to anyone named Nellie ) That being said , I need to bitch about something . . . as you 've probably already guessed , it has something to do with the Madster . In an effort to get to the bottom of what ever is bothering my precious darling at school , I approach the teacher at pick - up and ask about her day . Monday , I was greeted with " Maddie had a tantrum today and we really need to watch this because other parents are complaining that their kids are having tantrums at HOME now too . " First let me say : Its none of my business what goes on in their homes , nor is it their business what goes on in mine . Second : I will not shoulder the responsibility for anyone other than Maddie , in school or out . While tantrums are most certainly frowned upon , she is a child , and I have been diligently seeking an answer to this madness that has settled on our once happy unit of two . Third : If you have something negative to say about Maddie , like blaming her for the worlds naughty children , how about not doing it in front of her as I 'm not sure how much more her little delicate self esteem can handle . Fourth : I 've been very proactive and cooperative up until this point because I would like to get to the bottom of this as much as anyone else , but now a line has been crossed and I 've just upgraded myself to DEFCON ASSHOLE . My dad purchased us one of these : Guilt gift ? Maybe , but its still AWESOME ! Amish made fireplace , its called a heat surge , compact so it fits nicely in our apartment . LOVE IT ! OK , so I had a parent / teacher conference and the news was not good . . . they think something more may be going on with Maddie , as in maybe my friends husband did something more . I got Maddie in to talk to someone last week and it went very well . Took her out to the Olive Garden first , which she said was " lovely " then to the book store and finally to Hobby Lobby to pick up some crafts for her to do . The appointment went well , she didn 't really open up , but she liked the lady and has asked to go back . . . this is good news . Last week at the laundry mat , there was a little boy there that had been giving Maddie problems at school . When I mentioned something to the school they said " we don 't like to approach him because he 's very emotional , just ask Maddie to stay away from him " . . . . great , thanks a - holes . So she walked up to this kid in the laundry mat and said " you 're mean " and walked away . This little boys father then started yelling at Maddie ( a man , and a stranger ! ) . Needless to say , I went ape shit , and that 's putting it mildly . I don 't consider myself tall really , 5 ' 9 " , but I towered over this guy by almost a foot . I had some harsh words for him for yelling at my child and then he started yelling at me . I offered to step outside with him ( not one of my finer , more mature moments . . . and afterward I apologized to everyone in the laundry mat for having to witness it ) . Then I said the magic words . . . I said we recognized his son from school and that he 's been picking on Maddie . He backed off immediately , I 'm sure this wasn 't the first time he 's dealt with his sons behavior at school . Crisis averted , he was gone by the time we returned from the store . The following Wednesday his son went up to Maddie out of the blue and apologized to her . That 's the same day she started telling me she loved me again and hugging and kissing me . . . I guess she needed to see me stand up for her . I 'm quite lucky I didn 't end up in jail actually , that would have pushed her over the edge . The Doctor is calling back hopefully today with a recommendation for a counselor . I have been walking on eggshells with my daughter and I still have to deal with her telling me she hates me . I cant hug her , kiss her or tell her I love her . She has been throwing king size tantrums and actually got in my face today screaming at me . . . wow . What can I possible say to some it all up ? I am a single parent to a beautiful little girl . I 'm happy , outgoing and try not to take life too seriously ( most of the time ) . I love , love , love to laugh .
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I ran 5 miles this morning and did weights for my biceps that included things like curl with a bar and dumb bells , rows with the bar and dumb bells , incline curls , reverse curls , hammer curls , across chest curls and curls while my elbow is on my knee . I also did abs which included crunches a hundred different ways , russian twist with a 10lb weight and v - sit . In the afternoon , I joined the c - c team for an interval workout on the track . It was 2x400 , 2x 800 , 2x400 and 2x 100 . They were tempo pace interval which is about 80 % effort . The first 400 's were at 90 secs . each , 800 's were 3 : 16 and 3 : 17 and the last 4oo 's were 91 and 92 secs . The 100 's at the end were to be run like you were finishing a race . We did a mile warm - up and a mile warm - down . Total miles 6 . For me , the pace was nice and relaxed and I tired to concentrate on form . It 's been a long time since I have thought about my running form . I think as I have gotten older my form has suffered , mainly due to my back problems . I need to try and think about it more often ! Total for the day - 11 miles Woke up this morning to hear the wind blowing outside and if I didn 't know better , I would have thought that it was snowing . We left a couple windows open last night and it was cold in the house . I don 't think I 'm ready for winter yet ! ! ! After Keith headed off to school , I ran 8 . 2 miles in a cold drizzle . I wore shorts , a long sleeve shirt and gloves , I 'm not ready to break out the tights yet ! After my run , I lifted and then went to the Y and swam 1 and 1 / 2 mile that included 500m pull . Went shopping at Sams Club because Corey needs some stuff at school and we will be seeing him down at Marietta this weekend . Now I 'm tired and in a bad mood and all I want to do is take a nap but I know that won 't happen , maybe it 's PMS ! ! LOL Until tomorrow . . . . . . . . . Yesterday I decided that if I want to get faster and more efficient in races , I have to quit doing what I call " junk miles " and start to doing intervals , tempo runs and different things to improve my leg turn over . I feel that I have the ability to run faster than a 7 : 00 min . pace per mile as I did on Saturday . I know that I will never be as fast as I was 10 or 15 yrs . ago but I still would like to improve my times in all distances . The key will be to stay healthy , train smart and not over do it like I have a tendancy to do . LOL With that being said , Today I ran an easy 5 miles in the morning followed by weight lifting . In the afternoon , I did a hill workout with the c - c team . Behind the Loudonville High School , there is a hill that everyone calls the football hill because years ago , the football team would have to run it for punishment . It 's about 200 meters long and is straight up . We did about a mile and a half warm - up , 10 hills nonstop ( I ended up going 13 because I ran 3 extra with the slower girls ) and then 3 miles for a warm - down . Total miles for the afternoon was 6 . 5 because I also count the half mile from my house to the school and back . Total miles for the day - 11 . 5 . So far I 'm off to a good start ! ! ! The above picture is the relay team for the Akron Marathon that was held yesterday . Lf to Rt - me , sorry forget the next girls name , my sister Pam , Michelle and Shannon . Let me first start with Friday . Ran 6 miles , lifted weights and swam a mile . Keith and the Loudonville Redbirds defeated Johnstown with a score of 20 - 0 . This is the first time we have ever beat them in the 6 years that we have been in this conference . This is the first game that Keith started on defense and had 7 tackles . So right now he is playing both ways . It has been a long time since the football team has had a record of 3 - 2 . Go Birds ! ! ! ! After only about 2 hours of sleep , I got up at 3 : 30 am on Saturday to meet my sister for the relay at the Akron Marathon . I was to run the 5th which is the last leg but decided to run the 3rd and 4th leg also with my sister and Michelle so I could get a long run in . It was exciting to see the lead runners come through while Pam and I were waiting for our 2nd leg runner to come in . Pam 's leg was 6 . 8 and we ran a nice pace . It was good to be able to run with her a chat because we don 't see each other much . She is 2 years older than I am and is a piot and Physical Therapist . She has run quite a few marathons including the Great Wall of China Marathon . She also struggles with back issues and sometimes I wonder if it is a hereditary thing . I ran just a little bit with a girl named Michelle , who was our 4th runner . I tried to pick it up to about a 7 : 30 pace for the 2 . 5 miles of that 4th leg . Once she handed off to me , I wanted to run 7 : 00 pace for the 7 . 9 miles . I was able to do just that because I ran it in 56 minutes so it probably was a little over . I was happy that I could maintain that after running 9 miles before that . Through out the entire race I saw a lot of people from our area . I talked to Bob Schroer while waiting for our 4 th runner to come in . He seemed real excited because he thought the team he was on would place in the old age group . LOL . Also saw Joe Crawford after the race and he ran a PR in the MarPosted by Ran 5 miles this morning and felt good : ) Did weight lifting for my biceps , triceps , and back along with abs . This afternoon I ran with the c - c team getting a total of 7 miles in . We did 5 x one mile repeats and the girls really rocked ! Everyone was running under the times that they were suppose to run and I think all of us were felling pretty at ease with the pace . Not big on remembering the times but most were 6 : 30 to 7 : 00 minutes . Pretty relaxed pace ! Saturday , I will be running the Akron Marathon relay that my sister put together . I will be running the last leg which is 7 . 9 miles . I do not know the other girls on the team , except my sister , or what type of runners they are . I guess it really doesn 't matter . I will just go with the flow and have fun ! ! I promise ! ! Until tomorrow . . . . . . . Total miles for the day - - 12 I can 't believe this weather . The humidity is through the roof and when I got done running this morning it was like I jumped into a swimming pool . I was totally drenched in sweat like it was the middle of the summer ! I have never really minded the heat but I can 't stand the humidity ! ! The dear weatherman keeps saying that a front is moving in to cool things off , he had better not be wrong ! ! And for once we closed our pool before October , so I can 't even enjoy a dip in our pool to cool off . Anyway , I ran 8 miles again this morning and decided to skip the weights and go straight to the Y . Swam a mile and a fourth and then went to spinning class for 45 min . I can still feel the soreness in my quads then standing up on the bike or it 's because I am not riding as much as I did this spring ? I talked to my sister tonight , who is also a runner , and is doing the Akron Marathon on a relay team . A long story short , one of the girls on her relay team is sick so there is a chance I will be running the last leg for her team . Should be fun ! I love not planning things and just jumping into races at the last minute , that way I don 't have to think about it ! Tomorrow will be a two - a - day . I plan to run 5 in the morning , lift weights and then interval workout with the c - c team . Although things can always change ! It 's time to start getting on Keith to get ready for bed or it will be midnight before he makes it . He 's my night owl ! ! ! The above picture is Haley Young and myself before the home C - C meet this afternoon at Loudonville . Haley is a senior this year at Loudonville and has ran C - C and track all four years . I have trained some with her the past couple summers and I will show up every once in a while when the team does interval work to run with her . This year she has other teammates to push her but in the past I would try to help her with the speed stuff . Little did she know however , she would push me also ! She is a great friend and runner ! This year she is between third and fourth on the team and is the team captain . She runs in the 23 's or 24 's for a 5k . She has come a long way since the first time I ran with her a couple a years ago . I 'm so proud of her ! ! She truely loves to run , has great determination and will and is a very hard worker . She will go far in life as she will with her running . I think that the longer distance races will be her true calling once out of school and college . This year her classmates voted her to be the senior homecoming attendant for their class . She was so excited and happy ! ! ! She holds a special place in my heart and I will really miss her when she goes off to college next year . As for my running , yesterday I ran 6 miles for a recovery run , lifted weights and swam a mile and a half with 450yd pull . Today , I got in 8 miles , lifted weights and swam another mile and a half . Tomorrow , my plan is to do the same plus adding a spinning class . Until next time . . . . . . . . . . . . . This morning I ran the Mansfield YMCA half - marathon that was held in Lexington , OH on the B & O bike trail . My goal was to run a 7 : 30 pace which is the pace I ran my last marathon in . There was about 40 runners so no real pressure except what I put on myself and the goals I set . The first two miles were right at 7 : 30 pace and felt a little strained . I 'm thinking to myself that I 'd be lucky to stay at that pace , but as I kept running the pace became easier and I was able to pick it up at the turn around point . Actually by mile 8 , I was able to run negitive splits and kept it that way the rest of the race . The last half of the race became real comfortable which made me think that I started out way to slow . Ended up averaging a 7 : 16 min . pace which wasn 't to bad after last weekend 's 6 hr . run . My time was a 1 : 35 . 03 placing 5th overall and 2nd for the women with 1st in the old lady divisionLOL Congrats goes to Richie and Michelle placing 1st for the men and women ! After the race , I went to the Y and swam a mile and a fourth very slowly which should help with the recovery . Thanks to the people who put the race together , it was a good one ! ! This is Keith and Shelby before going out to eat and then to the dance . It 's great when I didn 't have to spend a dime on Keith 's outfit . The pants are Kyle 's , socks and shirt are Mark 's and the shoes and tie are Corey 's . But don 't they look nice ! ! ! Ran 6 . 5 miles this morning and did some abs . I have decided to run the half - marathon tomorrow morning in Lexington . I don 't think I will be able to run very hard . Hopefully I will be able to keep a 7 : 30 pace which should be very comfortable for me and that was my pace at Cleveland Marathon last spring . I 'll just have to go on how I feel . Who knows , I may just use it as a training run and have fun ! If you can image that ! LOL I just got back from the football game and the Loudonville Redbirds kicked Danville 's butt 35 - 7 . Keith had a great night playing defense . He really looked good but that is coming from his mother ! LOL It was homecoming tonight and tomorrow night is the dance . Keith will be taking a very nice young lady named Shelby . I will post some pictures of them tomorrow . I ran 6 . 5 miles this morning , did weights and swam a mile and a half with ladder sprints that included 25yd - 50yd - 75yd - 100yd and back down . I ended with 3x50yd sprints and 450yd pull . Ididn 't feel the best running today but felt good swimming . Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day for me . Kyle run tomorrow morning in Grand Rapids , MI and Corey will be playing at Marietta against Wilminton . My thoughts and prayers like always , will be with them . Yesterday I ran 7 . 1 miles , swam a mile and a fourth and did a 45 min spinning class . Today , I knew I wouldn 't have time to workout alot but I did get in 10 miles . Did about an hour and a half of weights working on triceps , shoulders , back and abs . I spent most of the day preparing food for the football team dinner . The parents of the players take turns feeding the team on Thrusday evening and it was my turn . We had sloppy joes , pasta salad , chicken and noodles ( which I made ) cupcakes , cookies and chocolate milk . We had some left over but the team seemed to come back for seconds . Loudonville takes on Danville for our homecoming and hopefully we won 't play as bad as we did last week . Corey will play Wilmington at Marietta on Saturday and Kyle will run in Grand Rapids , MI . at Calvin College . Mark is going to down to Marietta , the grandparents are going to watch Kyle and I have to stay home and help Keith get ready for homecoming . It will be a fast and busy weekend . As for my running , I 'm not sure what will be next . You know me , I don 't make plans until the day before a race . LOL There is a half - marathon close to Mansfield on Sunday but I don 't know if I want to run it . I 'll just wait until Saturday and see how I feel or maybe decide on Sunday morning . My leg has been bothering me some since the 6 hr run last Sunday and I sure wish I could get rid of the foot slap . It 's real annoying when I 'm on the road and hear my right foot slapping the ground and making a lot of noise . UGH ! ! ! Need to go now , Keith just walked in the door from his first ever body massage . His back and hamstring have been bothering him so I thought a massage might do him good . Talk later . . . . . . Once again I got up feeling totally exhausted ! After Keith left for school , I laid back down for about an hour . Don 't know if I 'm really that tired or just being lazy and unmotivated . Got up and out the door at about 9 : 30am . Put in 6 . 5 miles on a fairly flat course . Pace was slow but nothing really hurt so that is a big plus . I 'm just going to take it easy and not push the pace for a couple more days to make sure I have fully recovered from the weekend . Lifted weights which included benching , flies , shoulders and abs . Once again , I don 't know if I 'm tired or being lazy but I didn 't swim today . I just couldn 't bring myself to go to the Y and get into the water . There 's always tomorrow . . . . . . . . . Helped at the home C - C meet tonight , with Bryan Derr breaking the course record for first place and Hadley Greer finishing first for the girls . Congrats to all the runners ! ! ! I 'm not sore or stiff from yesterday 's 6 hr run but totally exhausted . I just couldn 't get going this morning . After Keith went to school , I layed back down and slept until about 10 : 00 o ' clock . I knew that I had to do something today in order to get rid of the lactic acid build up so I decided to go swim at the Y . Swam a mile and a fourth rather slowly with 250yd pull and 200yd kick . No running and lifting today but tomorrow I 'll be back at it ! ! Until then . . . . . . . . I haven 't blogged since Thrusday so I will start with Friday . Ran 8 . 1 miles , lifted weights and swam a mile and a half with 5x100yd sprints and 300yd pull . Friday night I am sorry to report that Keith and the Loudonville Redbird football team lost to Hillsdale 35 - 13 . I 'm not sure what happened but I guess we all have those down points in one 's sport . I 'm sure they will bounce back and be ready for the Danville Bluedevils this Friday which is our homecoming game . Keith will be taking Shelby Edmondson to the dance on Saturday . I will fill everyone in with all the details as the week goes on . Saturday , I got up at 5 am to run since we were making a road trip to Powell , OH to see Kyle run in the GLAC Championship . Ran 6 . 5 miles . Kyle was injuried last C - C season so I was anxious to see how fast he could run an 8k . He ran a 27 : 18 placed 21st overall and was 8th for the team . OWU place second behind Oberlin . Kyle was fairly please with his run and so was I . He did want to be in the top seven for the team but there is always next week when they travel to Michigan . Between OWU 's first runner and Kyle there was only a 40 second spread . Pretty good and I am so proud of Kyle ! Now on to today . I ran the Kokosing Odyssey 6 hr run near Kenyon College . It was a 5k loop on the trails . I did 11 laps with 20 min . to spare for 34 miles . It was a good run that was very pretty and well marked . I ran the first 50k in 5 hrs and then fell off the pace near the end . There was a couple really tough hills that took a toll on me . Overall , a good run ! ! My husband , Mark ran 5 laps for 15 . 5 and Don Baun ran 8 laps for 24 . 8 miles . Congrats to both ! Not sore this evening just tired . Pictured below are Kim Boner , From Mt . Vernon , Mark , myself and Don . After Keith left for school this morning , I ran 5 . 5 miles trying to push myself a little . Not sure of the time because I forgot to look at my watch but it sure felt like I was pushing myself . I think most of the miles were under 8 minutes . Did about an hour and a half of weight lifting and abs . After that , I had to do some laundry and pick up things that nobody seems to put away ! ! At 3 : 00 pm , I went down to the school and ran 6 miles with the C - C team . Ran the extra from my house to the school and back to give me 7 . 5 miles . Total miles for the day - 12 . 5Corey is coming home tomorrow to watch Keith play at Hillsdale tomorrow night . He has a weekend off , no game , so it will be good to have him home even if it is for one night . He will go down to Columbus with us on Saturday to watch Kyle run and then back to Marietta to watch the Buckeye 's play . It will be a fast and busy weekend ! ! I think I need to set some goals for myself for the fall . I don 't think I am doing Akron unless I decided the day before . Columbus Marathon is a possibility but the thought of running that far on the road kind of scares me . I 'm just coming off this injury with my back so I really don 't want to hurt it again or anything else . Roy Heger 's race , Run with Scissors Double Marathon , will probably be my next race mainly because it will be on the trail . I will just go week to week and see what happens . I 'm not a big on to do a lot of planning . LOLRan 8 . 2 miles this morning followed by a mile and a fourth swim with 450yd pull and a 45 min . spinning class . It was off to Sam 's Club for some shopping and like always I spent way to much money ! Ran 6 miles this morning . I guess I will call it a recovery run since the pace was pretty slow and I have been putting in quite a few miles lately . Just felt kind of stiff and sluggish . Lifted weights when I was done running . Did my tricep workout which included skull crushers , close grip bench , rows , dips , tri kickbacks and abs . Went to the pool at the Y and was really dreading the swim but once I got going I decided to do some sprints . Swam a mile and a fourth with 12x50yd sprints . Really tired , maybe I need a day off . NOT . LOL A day off for me means I am lazy and giving up . I think that is one reason I never take a day off because I feel lazy and I just have to keep going because if I stop I may never run again ! LOLHad to stop at Wal - Mart on my way home to get some meds for Keith because he has a pretty bad sore throat and a cold . No fever thank goodness . We all know what that means , good old Terri will be the next one with a cold . Talk later . . . . . . . . . Ran 6 miles this morning with Haley Young ( a runner on the Loudonville C - C team ) and then did a little extra to get in 10 miles . We had a good time chatting this morning and before I knew it we were done with our run . Haley is real excited because she was elected senior homecoming attendant for Loudonville . I am so happy for her ! Too be young again ! ! LOL . When I was done running , I did a weight lifting workout that included benching , shoulders , flies and abs . It was in the shower and then some house cleaning . The rest of the day was spent laying around , listening to the rain on the roof and watching the US open tennis matches . Not a bad way to spend the day ! ! I 'll start with the weekend runs . On Saturday , I got out the door about 6 : 30am because we were headed down to Marietta to see Corey 's game , Got in 8 miles at a comfortable pace and felt fine . Today , a group met at Mohican and we ran 20 miles . It was a great morning to run with great friends . We all ran at a nice relaxed pace until the end when a couple people and I won 't mention any names , Joe , Michael and Michelle , decided to run at a 5k pace and flew down the trail to the covered bridge . Me , being an old lady , LOL did the old woman shuffle down the hill and was unable to keep up with them . My excuse , they are all younger and more sure footed than I ! ! Mark Carroll was also suppose to have run with us but , when I got home and got on facebook , he told us that he had hit a deer in Butler . He is fine but I guess and car and deer are not . Now on to football . Friday night Keith 's team ( Loudonville Rebirds ) lost in overtime to Crestveiw . It was 14 - 14 at the end of the fourth quarter . We got the ball first , and did not score . The ball went to them and they kicked a fieldgoal to win the game . What a heartbreaker ! ! Keith had several tackles and a lot of blocks . Good job Keith ! ! On Saturday , we went down to Marietta to see Corey play against Thiel . Marietta won 20 - 14 . Corey had a good game with 3 tackles and he broke up a pass . However , he did miss the extra point on the third TD . He said the line was pushed back and he had to stutter step and it messed up his timing . Oh well , no one 's perfect ! The pictures below are Corey before the game . He is number 14 . Keith just left for tonight 's football game against Crestview . It 's the home opener for the Redbirds . I think It 's going to be a tough one tonight but if everyone plays well , I think that they can win . Keep your fingers crossed . Keith said that we will be throwing some tonight so that means Keith will see some action . Hopefully he will catch what is thrown to him . Corey plays tomorrow afternoon in Marietta 's season opener at home against Thiel . At this point , he is a starting CB and the place kicker . Last year they beat Thiel so hopefully they can do that again . Ran 6 . 5 miles this morning and I actually didn 't feel to bad after yesterday 's miles . Lifted weights that included tricep and chest work ( things like close grip bench and different types of push - ups ) . I also included abs . Went to the Y and swam a mile and a fourth . I felt tired swimming but I guess that can be expected . Tomorrow I will have to get up early and run since we will be making a road trip to Marietta . On Sunday , the plan is to run 20 miles at MO starting at the covered bridge around 7 : 00am . I 'm meeting some runners from the Y run club . If anyone wants to join us please come . The more the merrier ! ! I 'll keep everyone filled in on the Lemke action ! ! ! My workouts consisted of the following : * * 5 miles in the morning * * about an hour and a half of weight lifting that included benching , shoulders , flies and abs . * * 6 miles with the c - c team in the afternoon which included 4x1 mile repeats . The team was only to do 80 % effort so it was a nice and relaxed effort . Ran with different groups that had different times 7 : 34 , 7 : 31 , 7 : 30 and 7 : o5 * * 6 miles in the evening on the trails with the Y run club . Total17 miles * * ran 6 miles this morning * * swam a mile and a fourth with 300yd pull * * 45 minute spinning class at the Mansfield Y . This is a noon class taught by Bob Gleason . He is a very good instructor and always has us tired and sweating by the end of the class . I haven 't been to the class since this spring since I started ultra running training . I had to give up something so it was the biking since I felt that swimming helped me recover from the long runs . I didn 't ride to hard today because I didn 't want to be sore but my legs are tired . Last winter I went to class three times a week . I need to slowly get back into it , so I probably won 't go to class again until next week . I will then try two days next week . I guess I love to punish myself . LOL * * Tomorrow afternoon I have two running choices . One is to do some type of interval workout with the Loudonville C - C team or two , run the trails with the Y run club . I 'm leaning toward the interval workout so I can start to get some turnover going , if that 's possible . I 'll fill everyone in tomorrow . Maybe I 'll do both . LOL Ran 7 . 5 miles this morning on some good hills . Haven 't pushed myself much on hills so today I went for it and it felt pretty good . Ran a course that I haven 't ran in a long time so the change of scenery was nice . Did bicep lifting and abs . Swam a mile and a half at the Y and I am done working out for the day ! ! Hey ! ! Kyle ran at Kenyon this evening . He ran a PR for a 5k in 16 : 44 . was sixth for the team and I think 15th overall . He looked good and at this point is running way better than last year . I didn 't get a chance to talk to him after the meet so I don 't know much more . I 'm sure he won 't be happy . Us runners always think we can do better ! I think that if he is able to stay in the top 7 for the team he should be happy , but what do I know ! In the pictures , kyle is wearing the red headband . I have lived in Loudonville all of my life . I have been running since I was 12 years old . Ran cross - country and track in high school and college at Bowling Green State University . I taught Phys . Ed . and Health for about 10 years and then became a stay home mom . Married to Mark for 24 years and have three sons , Corey , age 21 - Kyle , age 19 - Keith , age 16 Running Accomplishments :
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I ran 5 miles this morning and did weights for my biceps that included things like curl with a bar and dumb bells , rows with the bar and dumb bells , incline curls , reverse curls , hammer curls , across chest curls and curls while my elbow is on my knee . I also did abs which included crunches a hundred different ways , russian twist with a 10lb weight and v - sit . In the afternoon , I joined the c - c team for an interval workout on the track . It was 2x400 , 2x 800 , 2x400 and 2x 100 . They were tempo pace interval which is about 80 % effort . The first 400 's were at 90 secs . each , 800 's were 3 : 16 and 3 : 17 and the last 4oo 's were 91 and 92 secs . The 100 's at the end were to be run like you were finishing a race . We did a mile warm - up and a mile warm - down . Total miles 6 . For me , the pace was nice and relaxed and I tired to concentrate on form . It 's been a long time since I have thought about my running form . I think as I have gotten older my form has suffered , mainly due to my back problems . I need to try and think about it more often ! Total for the day - 11 miles Woke up this morning to hear the wind blowing outside and if I didn 't know better , I would have thought that it was snowing . We left a couple windows open last night and it was cold in the house . I don 't think I 'm ready for winter yet ! ! ! After Keith headed off to school , I ran 8 . 2 miles in a cold drizzle . I wore shorts , a long sleeve shirt and gloves , I 'm not ready to break out the tights yet ! After my run , I lifted and then went to the Y and swam 1 and 1 / 2 mile that included 500m pull . Went shopping at Sams Club because Corey needs some stuff at school and we will be seeing him down at Marietta this weekend . Now I 'm tired and in a bad mood and all I want to do is take a nap but I know that won 't happen , maybe it 's PMS ! ! LOL Until tomorrow . . . . . . . . . Yesterday I decided that if I want to get faster and more efficient in races , I have to quit doing what I call " junk miles " and start to doing intervals , tempo runs and different things to improve my leg turn over . I feel that I have the ability to run faster than a 7 : 00 min . pace per mile as I did on Saturday . I know that I will never be as fast as I was 10 or 15 yrs . ago but I still would like to improve my times in all distances . The key will be to stay healthy , train smart and not over do it like I have a tendancy to do . LOL With that being said , Today I ran an easy 5 miles in the morning followed by weight lifting . In the afternoon , I did a hill workout with the c - c team . Behind the Loudonville High School , there is a hill that everyone calls the football hill because years ago , the football team would have to run it for punishment . It 's about 200 meters long and is straight up . We did about a mile and a half warm - up , 10 hills nonstop ( I ended up going 13 because I ran 3 extra with the slower girls ) and then 3 miles for a warm - down . Total miles for the afternoon was 6 . 5 because I also count the half mile from my house to the school and back . Total miles for the day - 11 . 5 . So far I 'm off to a good start ! ! ! The above picture is the relay team for the Akron Marathon that was held yesterday . Lf to Rt - me , sorry forget the next girls name , my sister Pam , Michelle and Shannon . Let me first start with Friday . Ran 6 miles , lifted weights and swam a mile . Keith and the Loudonville Redbirds defeated Johnstown with a score of 20 - 0 . This is the first time we have ever beat them in the 6 years that we have been in this conference . This is the first game that Keith started on defense and had 7 tackles . So right now he is playing both ways . It has been a long time since the football team has had a record of 3 - 2 . Go Birds ! ! ! ! After only about 2 hours of sleep , I got up at 3 : 30 am on Saturday to meet my sister for the relay at the Akron Marathon . I was to run the 5th which is the last leg but decided to run the 3rd and 4th leg also with my sister and Michelle so I could get a long run in . It was exciting to see the lead runners come through while Pam and I were waiting for our 2nd leg runner to come in . Pam 's leg was 6 . 8 and we ran a nice pace . It was good to be able to run with her a chat because we don 't see each other much . She is 2 years older than I am and is a piot and Physical Therapist . She has run quite a few marathons including the Great Wall of China Marathon . She also struggles with back issues and sometimes I wonder if it is a hereditary thing . I ran just a little bit with a girl named Michelle , who was our 4th runner . I tried to pick it up to about a 7 : 30 pace for the 2 . 5 miles of that 4th leg . Once she handed off to me , I wanted to run 7 : 00 pace for the 7 . 9 miles . I was able to do just that because I ran it in 56 minutes so it probably was a little over . I was happy that I could maintain that after running 9 miles before that . Through out the entire race I saw a lot of people from our area . I talked to Bob Schroer while waiting for our 4 th runner to come in . He seemed real excited because he thought the team he was on would place in the old age group . LOL . Also saw Joe Crawford after the race and he ran a PR in the MarPosted by Ran 5 miles this morning and felt good : ) Did weight lifting for my biceps , triceps , and back along with abs . This afternoon I ran with the c - c team getting a total of 7 miles in . We did 5 x one mile repeats and the girls really rocked ! Everyone was running under the times that they were suppose to run and I think all of us were felling pretty at ease with the pace . Not big on remembering the times but most were 6 : 30 to 7 : 00 minutes . Pretty relaxed pace ! Saturday , I will be running the Akron Marathon relay that my sister put together . I will be running the last leg which is 7 . 9 miles . I do not know the other girls on the team , except my sister , or what type of runners they are . I guess it really doesn 't matter . I will just go with the flow and have fun ! ! I promise ! ! Until tomorrow . . . . . . . Total miles for the day - - 12 I can 't believe this weather . The humidity is through the roof and when I got done running this morning it was like I jumped into a swimming pool . I was totally drenched in sweat like it was the middle of the summer ! I have never really minded the heat but I can 't stand the humidity ! ! The dear weatherman keeps saying that a front is moving in to cool things off , he had better not be wrong ! ! And for once we closed our pool before October , so I can 't even enjoy a dip in our pool to cool off . Anyway , I ran 8 miles again this morning and decided to skip the weights and go straight to the Y . Swam a mile and a fourth and then went to spinning class for 45 min . I can still feel the soreness in my quads then standing up on the bike or it 's because I am not riding as much as I did this spring ? I talked to my sister tonight , who is also a runner , and is doing the Akron Marathon on a relay team . A long story short , one of the girls on her relay team is sick so there is a chance I will be running the last leg for her team . Should be fun ! I love not planning things and just jumping into races at the last minute , that way I don 't have to think about it ! Tomorrow will be a two - a - day . I plan to run 5 in the morning , lift weights and then interval workout with the c - c team . Although things can always change ! It 's time to start getting on Keith to get ready for bed or it will be midnight before he makes it . He 's my night owl ! ! ! The above picture is Haley Young and myself before the home C - C meet this afternoon at Loudonville . Haley is a senior this year at Loudonville and has ran C - C and track all four years . I have trained some with her the past couple summers and I will show up every once in a while when the team does interval work to run with her . This year she has other teammates to push her but in the past I would try to help her with the speed stuff . Little did she know however , she would push me also ! She is a great friend and runner ! This year she is between third and fourth on the team and is the team captain . She runs in the 23 's or 24 's for a 5k . She has come a long way since the first time I ran with her a couple a years ago . I 'm so proud of her ! ! She truely loves to run , has great determination and will and is a very hard worker . She will go far in life as she will with her running . I think that the longer distance races will be her true calling once out of school and college . This year her classmates voted her to be the senior homecoming attendant for their class . She was so excited and happy ! ! ! She holds a special place in my heart and I will really miss her when she goes off to college next year . As for my running , yesterday I ran 6 miles for a recovery run , lifted weights and swam a mile and a half with 450yd pull . Today , I got in 8 miles , lifted weights and swam another mile and a half . Tomorrow , my plan is to do the same plus adding a spinning class . Until next time . . . . . . . . . . . . . This morning I ran the Mansfield YMCA half - marathon that was held in Lexington , OH on the B & O bike trail . My goal was to run a 7 : 30 pace which is the pace I ran my last marathon in . There was about 40 runners so no real pressure except what I put on myself and the goals I set . The first two miles were right at 7 : 30 pace and felt a little strained . I 'm thinking to myself that I 'd be lucky to stay at that pace , but as I kept running the pace became easier and I was able to pick it up at the turn around point . Actually by mile 8 , I was able to run negitive splits and kept it that way the rest of the race . The last half of the race became real comfortable which made me think that I started out way to slow . Ended up averaging a 7 : 16 min . pace which wasn 't to bad after last weekend 's 6 hr . run . My time was a 1 : 35 . 03 placing 5th overall and 2nd for the women with 1st in the old lady divisionLOL Congrats goes to Richie and Michelle placing 1st for the men and women ! After the race , I went to the Y and swam a mile and a fourth very slowly which should help with the recovery . Thanks to the people who put the race together , it was a good one ! ! This is Keith and Shelby before going out to eat and then to the dance . It 's great when I didn 't have to spend a dime on Keith 's outfit . The pants are Kyle 's , socks and shirt are Mark 's and the shoes and tie are Corey 's . But don 't they look nice ! ! ! Ran 6 . 5 miles this morning and did some abs . I have decided to run the half - marathon tomorrow morning in Lexington . I don 't think I will be able to run very hard . Hopefully I will be able to keep a 7 : 30 pace which should be very comfortable for me and that was my pace at Cleveland Marathon last spring . I 'll just have to go on how I feel . Who knows , I may just use it as a training run and have fun ! If you can image that ! LOL I just got back from the football game and the Loudonville Redbirds kicked Danville 's butt 35 - 7 . Keith had a great night playing defense . He really looked good but that is coming from his mother ! LOL It was homecoming tonight and tomorrow night is the dance . Keith will be taking a very nice young lady named Shelby . I will post some pictures of them tomorrow . I ran 6 . 5 miles this morning , did weights and swam a mile and a half with ladder sprints that included 25yd - 50yd - 75yd - 100yd and back down . I ended with 3x50yd sprints and 450yd pull . Ididn 't feel the best running today but felt good swimming . Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day for me . Kyle run tomorrow morning in Grand Rapids , MI and Corey will be playing at Marietta against Wilminton . My thoughts and prayers like always , will be with them . Yesterday I ran 7 . 1 miles , swam a mile and a fourth and did a 45 min spinning class . Today , I knew I wouldn 't have time to workout alot but I did get in 10 miles . Did about an hour and a half of weights working on triceps , shoulders , back and abs . I spent most of the day preparing food for the football team dinner . The parents of the players take turns feeding the team on Thrusday evening and it was my turn . We had sloppy joes , pasta salad , chicken and noodles ( which I made ) cupcakes , cookies and chocolate milk . We had some left over but the team seemed to come back for seconds . Loudonville takes on Danville for our homecoming and hopefully we won 't play as bad as we did last week . Corey will play Wilmington at Marietta on Saturday and Kyle will run in Grand Rapids , MI . at Calvin College . Mark is going to down to Marietta , the grandparents are going to watch Kyle and I have to stay home and help Keith get ready for homecoming . It will be a fast and busy weekend . As for my running , I 'm not sure what will be next . You know me , I don 't make plans until the day before a race . LOL There is a half - marathon close to Mansfield on Sunday but I don 't know if I want to run it . I 'll just wait until Saturday and see how I feel or maybe decide on Sunday morning . My leg has been bothering me some since the 6 hr run last Sunday and I sure wish I could get rid of the foot slap . It 's real annoying when I 'm on the road and hear my right foot slapping the ground and making a lot of noise . UGH ! ! ! Need to go now , Keith just walked in the door from his first ever body massage . His back and hamstring have been bothering him so I thought a massage might do him good . Talk later . . . . . . Once again I got up feeling totally exhausted ! After Keith left for school , I laid back down for about an hour . Don 't know if I 'm really that tired or just being lazy and unmotivated . Got up and out the door at about 9 : 30am . Put in 6 . 5 miles on a fairly flat course . Pace was slow but nothing really hurt so that is a big plus . I 'm just going to take it easy and not push the pace for a couple more days to make sure I have fully recovered from the weekend . Lifted weights which included benching , flies , shoulders and abs . Once again , I don 't know if I 'm tired or being lazy but I didn 't swim today . I just couldn 't bring myself to go to the Y and get into the water . There 's always tomorrow . . . . . . . . . Helped at the home C - C meet tonight , with Bryan Derr breaking the course record for first place and Hadley Greer finishing first for the girls . Congrats to all the runners ! ! ! I 'm not sore or stiff from yesterday 's 6 hr run but totally exhausted . I just couldn 't get going this morning . After Keith went to school , I layed back down and slept until about 10 : 00 o ' clock . I knew that I had to do something today in order to get rid of the lactic acid build up so I decided to go swim at the Y . Swam a mile and a fourth rather slowly with 250yd pull and 200yd kick . No running and lifting today but tomorrow I 'll be back at it ! ! Until then . . . . . . . . I haven 't blogged since Thrusday so I will start with Friday . Ran 8 . 1 miles , lifted weights and swam a mile and a half with 5x100yd sprints and 300yd pull . Friday night I am sorry to report that Keith and the Loudonville Redbird football team lost to Hillsdale 35 - 13 . I 'm not sure what happened but I guess we all have those down points in one 's sport . I 'm sure they will bounce back and be ready for the Danville Bluedevils this Friday which is our homecoming game . Keith will be taking Shelby Edmondson to the dance on Saturday . I will fill everyone in with all the details as the week goes on . Saturday , I got up at 5 am to run since we were making a road trip to Powell , OH to see Kyle run in the GLAC Championship . Ran 6 . 5 miles . Kyle was injuried last C - C season so I was anxious to see how fast he could run an 8k . He ran a 27 : 18 placed 21st overall and was 8th for the team . OWU place second behind Oberlin . Kyle was fairly please with his run and so was I . He did want to be in the top seven for the team but there is always next week when they travel to Michigan . Between OWU 's first runner and Kyle there was only a 40 second spread . Pretty good and I am so proud of Kyle ! Now on to today . I ran the Kokosing Odyssey 6 hr run near Kenyon College . It was a 5k loop on the trails . I did 11 laps with 20 min . to spare for 34 miles . It was a good run that was very pretty and well marked . I ran the first 50k in 5 hrs and then fell off the pace near the end . There was a couple really tough hills that took a toll on me . Overall , a good run ! ! My husband , Mark ran 5 laps for 15 . 5 and Don Baun ran 8 laps for 24 . 8 miles . Congrats to both ! Not sore this evening just tired . Pictured below are Kim Boner , From Mt . Vernon , Mark , myself and Don . After Keith left for school this morning , I ran 5 . 5 miles trying to push myself a little . Not sure of the time because I forgot to look at my watch but it sure felt like I was pushing myself . I think most of the miles were under 8 minutes . Did about an hour and a half of weight lifting and abs . After that , I had to do some laundry and pick up things that nobody seems to put away ! ! At 3 : 00 pm , I went down to the school and ran 6 miles with the C - C team . Ran the extra from my house to the school and back to give me 7 . 5 miles . Total miles for the day - 12 . 5Corey is coming home tomorrow to watch Keith play at Hillsdale tomorrow night . He has a weekend off , no game , so it will be good to have him home even if it is for one night . He will go down to Columbus with us on Saturday to watch Kyle run and then back to Marietta to watch the Buckeye 's play . It will be a fast and busy weekend ! ! I think I need to set some goals for myself for the fall . I don 't think I am doing Akron unless I decided the day before . Columbus Marathon is a possibility but the thought of running that far on the road kind of scares me . I 'm just coming off this injury with my back so I really don 't want to hurt it again or anything else . Roy Heger 's race , Run with Scissors Double Marathon , will probably be my next race mainly because it will be on the trail . I will just go week to week and see what happens . I 'm not a big on to do a lot of planning . LOLRan 8 . 2 miles this morning followed by a mile and a fourth swim with 450yd pull and a 45 min . spinning class . It was off to Sam 's Club for some shopping and like always I spent way to much money ! Ran 6 miles this morning . I guess I will call it a recovery run since the pace was pretty slow and I have been putting in quite a few miles lately . Just felt kind of stiff and sluggish . Lifted weights when I was done running . Did my tricep workout which included skull crushers , close grip bench , rows , dips , tri kickbacks and abs . Went to the pool at the Y and was really dreading the swim but once I got going I decided to do some sprints . Swam a mile and a fourth with 12x50yd sprints . Really tired , maybe I need a day off . NOT . LOL A day off for me means I am lazy and giving up . I think that is one reason I never take a day off because I feel lazy and I just have to keep going because if I stop I may never run again ! LOLHad to stop at Wal - Mart on my way home to get some meds for Keith because he has a pretty bad sore throat and a cold . No fever thank goodness . We all know what that means , good old Terri will be the next one with a cold . Talk later . . . . . . . . . Ran 6 miles this morning with Haley Young ( a runner on the Loudonville C - C team ) and then did a little extra to get in 10 miles . We had a good time chatting this morning and before I knew it we were done with our run . Haley is real excited because she was elected senior homecoming attendant for Loudonville . I am so happy for her ! Too be young again ! ! LOL . When I was done running , I did a weight lifting workout that included benching , shoulders , flies and abs . It was in the shower and then some house cleaning . The rest of the day was spent laying around , listening to the rain on the roof and watching the US open tennis matches . Not a bad way to spend the day ! ! I 'll start with the weekend runs . On Saturday , I got out the door about 6 : 30am because we were headed down to Marietta to see Corey 's game , Got in 8 miles at a comfortable pace and felt fine . Today , a group met at Mohican and we ran 20 miles . It was a great morning to run with great friends . We all ran at a nice relaxed pace until the end when a couple people and I won 't mention any names , Joe , Michael and Michelle , decided to run at a 5k pace and flew down the trail to the covered bridge . Me , being an old lady , LOL did the old woman shuffle down the hill and was unable to keep up with them . My excuse , they are all younger and more sure footed than I ! ! Mark Carroll was also suppose to have run with us but , when I got home and got on facebook , he told us that he had hit a deer in Butler . He is fine but I guess and car and deer are not . Now on to football . Friday night Keith 's team ( Loudonville Rebirds ) lost in overtime to Crestveiw . It was 14 - 14 at the end of the fourth quarter . We got the ball first , and did not score . The ball went to them and they kicked a fieldgoal to win the game . What a heartbreaker ! ! Keith had several tackles and a lot of blocks . Good job Keith ! ! On Saturday , we went down to Marietta to see Corey play against Thiel . Marietta won 20 - 14 . Corey had a good game with 3 tackles and he broke up a pass . However , he did miss the extra point on the third TD . He said the line was pushed back and he had to stutter step and it messed up his timing . Oh well , no one 's perfect ! The pictures below are Corey before the game . He is number 14 . Keith just left for tonight 's football game against Crestview . It 's the home opener for the Redbirds . I think It 's going to be a tough one tonight but if everyone plays well , I think that they can win . Keep your fingers crossed . Keith said that we will be throwing some tonight so that means Keith will see some action . Hopefully he will catch what is thrown to him . Corey plays tomorrow afternoon in Marietta 's season opener at home against Thiel . At this point , he is a starting CB and the place kicker . Last year they beat Thiel so hopefully they can do that again . Ran 6 . 5 miles this morning and I actually didn 't feel to bad after yesterday 's miles . Lifted weights that included tricep and chest work ( things like close grip bench and different types of push - ups ) . I also included abs . Went to the Y and swam a mile and a fourth . I felt tired swimming but I guess that can be expected . Tomorrow I will have to get up early and run since we will be making a road trip to Marietta . On Sunday , the plan is to run 20 miles at MO starting at the covered bridge around 7 : 00am . I 'm meeting some runners from the Y run club . If anyone wants to join us please come . The more the merrier ! ! I 'll keep everyone filled in on the Lemke action ! ! ! My workouts consisted of the following : * * 5 miles in the morning * * about an hour and a half of weight lifting that included benching , shoulders , flies and abs . * * 6 miles with the c - c team in the afternoon which included 4x1 mile repeats . The team was only to do 80 % effort so it was a nice and relaxed effort . Ran with different groups that had different times 7 : 34 , 7 : 31 , 7 : 30 and 7 : o5 * * 6 miles in the evening on the trails with the Y run club . Total17 miles * * ran 6 miles this morning * * swam a mile and a fourth with 300yd pull * * 45 minute spinning class at the Mansfield Y . This is a noon class taught by Bob Gleason . He is a very good instructor and always has us tired and sweating by the end of the class . I haven 't been to the class since this spring since I started ultra running training . I had to give up something so it was the biking since I felt that swimming helped me recover from the long runs . I didn 't ride to hard today because I didn 't want to be sore but my legs are tired . Last winter I went to class three times a week . I need to slowly get back into it , so I probably won 't go to class again until next week . I will then try two days next week . I guess I love to punish myself . LOL * * Tomorrow afternoon I have two running choices . One is to do some type of interval workout with the Loudonville C - C team or two , run the trails with the Y run club . I 'm leaning toward the interval workout so I can start to get some turnover going , if that 's possible . I 'll fill everyone in tomorrow . Maybe I 'll do both . LOL Ran 7 . 5 miles this morning on some good hills . Haven 't pushed myself much on hills so today I went for it and it felt pretty good . Ran a course that I haven 't ran in a long time so the change of scenery was nice . Did bicep lifting and abs . Swam a mile and a half at the Y and I am done working out for the day ! ! Hey ! ! Kyle ran at Kenyon this evening . He ran a PR for a 5k in 16 : 44 . was sixth for the team and I think 15th overall . He looked good and at this point is running way better than last year . I didn 't get a chance to talk to him after the meet so I don 't know much more . I 'm sure he won 't be happy . Us runners always think we can do better ! I think that if he is able to stay in the top 7 for the team he should be happy , but what do I know ! In the pictures , kyle is wearing the red headband . I have lived in Loudonville all of my life . I have been running since I was 12 years old . Ran cross - country and track in high school and college at Bowling Green State University . I taught Phys . Ed . and Health for about 10 years and then became a stay home mom . Married to Mark for 24 years and have three sons , Corey , age 21 - Kyle , age 19 - Keith , age 16 Running Accomplishments :
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This is a meme hosted by Uncorked Thoughts . The aim of this meme is to share with fellow bloggers a character , spell , chapter , object or quote from the books / films / J . K . Rowling herself or anything Potter related ! She is picking a topic within HP for us to focus on each week and then if anyone wants to take part feel free ! All she asks is to link back to her blog : ) . There is now a full list of the topics to come here . Dudley : They stuff people 's heads down the toilet the first day at Stonewall . Want to come upstairs and practice ? Harry : No , thanks . The poor toilet 's never had anything as horrible as your head down it - - it might be sick . Draco : Got plenty of special features , hasn 't it ? Shame it doesn 't come with a parachute - in case you get too near a Dementor . ( Crabbe and Goyle sniggered ) Ron ( whispering to Harry ) : I don 't need help . It 's obvious what this means . There 's going to be loads of fog tonight . Seven years ago , Claire woke up scared and alone in the woods without a clue as to who she was or where she came from . She 's adapted since then . Learned to hide what she doesn 't know , to create a façade to protect her secret from even her closest friends . But now an injury has isolated her even further and life has just simply ground to a halt . The day Claire first sees William , his blue eye electrifying the air between them , she gets what she wants most in the world . A memory . After seven years of faking it , of not knowing anything or anyone , she knows William . She 's unnerved by him . Mesmerized . He sweeps into her bitter little life , unconcerned about hiding the truth behind his quick movements and cold skin . The moment they 're alone , he sinks his teeth into her throat , drinks her blood , and fills her with his own . Now she sees better , hears better , and thinks faster . Thrust into a world where nothing is as it seems , Claire learns she has dangerous enemies . She stumbles from discovery to discovery , desperate for answers , each piece of the puzzle bringing her closer to those who have sworn to see Claire dead . Buy Facade by R . M . Webb Today at Amazon She shook her head to knock away the encroaching memories , those images from years ago that brought nothing but questions without answer . She pushed them back into their hiding place deep in her heart and climbed up the creaking wooden stairs and into bed . This one was a bit different from what I normally read . Most of the book is Claire trying to find out who she was and who she can trust as she begins to reveal her past . This is more of a romance / mystery novel as the past slowly catches up to her and those few people she considers friends . Facade does end with a bit of action taking place but for the most part it seems to be setting up Claire 's world . Claire , while trying to recall who she was , runs into William , the blonde haired mystery man she can 't help but be drawn too . All the while , she has Josh who wants nothing more than to be the one that matters most in her life . Not really a love triangle as she is drawn to William but keeps Josh around as he is familiar to her . Overall , the book was enjoyable . I did like some of the powers displayed , and if you like romance there is plenty of romantic drama . It could have been longer , but it was enjoyable none - the - less . If you like supernatural with plenty of romance then you should enjoy Facade . " Who am I ? " She choked on the words , strangled by emotion . She stood on a great precipice , she could feel it . Moving forward meant stepping off the edge into the unknown , tumbling down with no way to get back up again . " You are the only being still in existence to know my given name . After time , I grew not to care what I was called . And so I am known only as the babylonian . " " I want to wait until those words don 't surprise you . " He grasped her face between his hands , kissed her once on the forehead , once on the tip of her nose , and then let his lips linger against hers , his kiss a promise of things to come . " Get dressed , " he said , indicating the packages on his bed . " i 'll wait for you downstairs . " Let 's have some fun ! I am going to post covers on here every Sunday that are scrambled up graphically , making it hard to tell what cover it is . I would like your guesses on what cover you think I 've posted . I won 't answer you until I 'm posting the next one to let you know if you are right , allowing others to guess as well . Some will be hard , and others may be easy . Let me know in the comments if you 'd like some more hints and I 'll offer some more if no one guesses it correctly . " My crystal was vibrating harder than ever now . More fae were moving in . I glanced over my shoulder at the dark gardens . This can 't be good . The crystal was designed to register the presence of faery matter , besides serving as identification and other mundane uses , but after the years I 'd spent wearing one around my neck , I was becoming more and more convinced it picked up on danger , too . " In special agent Burgundy Graves ' opinion , desk work is for sissies . So what if Surfaeillance Agency exists to regulate faery activity on Earth ? Tracking the monsters is a form of regulating . Give her a gun , a dangerous threat to hunt down , no questions asked , and she 's in . Buy A Twist of Fae by Rebekah Shafer Today at Amazon " It 's something other than flattering to be forgotten by so many fae , but I have a sneaking suspicion that they do it intentionally . Rather like forgetting that you have an uncle in the mafia . I don 't see what their problem is . After all , the Earth - Faery relationship was their idea in the first place . " Special agent Burgundy Graves is one of my favorite types of heroes . She hates being out of the action and has an attitude that keep you entertained throughout the book . She also prefers to work alone as others just hold her back in her mind . She does end up with a couple of odd partners but odd is the only partner she would be able to work with efficiently . Plus , A Twist of Fae has plenty of supernaturals to keep her busy . I wish the book had been a tad longer . I felt like I got through it way too fast . I also would have liked more time in Fairyland . The little bit of time spent there in the book was more of a teaser than anything else . A Twist of Fae was a fun read even if it did seem to be over before I was ready . The good news is there will be a second book and I 'm looking forward to what trouble finds her next . And it does seem like she will spend a lot more time in fairyland with the next installment . " You 'll feel better when the adrenalin wears off , " I said , glancing around at the few stunted trees . They looked like shadows in the dark . " If we get out of here , I 'll buy you some ice cream . " If there was one thing pixies had a weakness for , it was frozen dairy products . A tall , dark , and handsome shadow loomed up beside me . " All quiet so far ? Stewart Landis asked , leaning an elbow against the bar behind me . Coworkers . I waved a hand at the crowded press of humanity . " Sickeningly so . I haven 't been this keyed up since Fairy Invasion of ' 98 , when a single fairy burst into the office and demanded a ransom of two donuts . " I glanced at him to make sure the sarcasm wasn 't being lost . " And I do believe I 'm out of ginger ale . Again . Where were you ? " This is a meme hosted by Uncorked Thoughts . The aim of this meme is to share with fellow bloggers a character , spell , chapter , object or quote from the books / films / J . K . Rowling herself or anything Potter related ! She is picking a topic within HP for us to focus on each week and then if anyone wants to take part feel free ! All she asks is to link back to her blog : ) . There is now a full list of the topics to come here . While I feel like I would be similar to Hermione in always running to the library , it doesn 't really seem like a cozy place with Madam Pince shooting glances and worrying over the status of her books . As much as I love to read , I also enjoy spending time with those nearest and dearest to me . I feel like the Quidditch pitch would be nice for when you want to let loose , and let 's face it if I was allowed to fly , I would be doing it often . Flying is not really ' chilling ' though , so I would pick the Gryffindor Common Room for those nice , relaxing hang out sessions . It 's described as being circular with a bunch of squashy chairs to relax in along with a huge window to look out over the grounds . Plus , who could forget the large fireplace that Sirius used to contact Harry ? It just has all the makings of cozy . I would absolutely love chilling there with the besties . At loose ends , and running out of money after buying a fixer upper on the coast , she decides to help out her best friend from high school , Thomas , a Native American artist , and his wife Lisa at their booth at the Otter Arts Festival , in the idyllic coastal town of Jasper , where she and her police - officer brother Rick grew up . When one of the talented , young artists is found gruesomely murdered at the festival , Logan is faced with the reality that her best friend not only lied to her , but may be guilty of murder . It 's up to her to find out what really happened that night , before the murderer kills again . Shattered is the story of Logan McKenna . After a tragic car accident that killed her husband and turned her life upside down , she is trying to restart her life . Her new life has several bumps in the road . Once she thinks things are starting to come together , one of her best friends is accused of murder . Everything , all evidence , points to him . She is on a mission to clear her friend 's name and find real justice for the victim . This is the debut book of the Logan McKenna story . I must say overall , I really enjoyed it . It could be a very promising series . It is full of fun , interesting , different , and entertaining characters . The supportive cast in this book is dynamic . The book did have a slower pace ; however , it was a good , interesting slow . I love a good murder mystery . I didn 't guess the murderer in Shattered which is always refreshing . Out of all the characters though , I think Iona ( who was a fairly minor character ) was my favorite . I like the spitfire , no - nonsense attitude . Tave ' a the café owner is a pretty amazing mysterious character to me also , and she made me wish I had a cinnamon roll . I would work out and read about her delicious baked treats . My tummy would tell me I worked out . . . let 's eat sweets ! ! ! I would love to see more of them and see their characters expanded in future books . That Moment When the Thrill is Gone When I started reading the book , I was really excited . It started with lots of promise and I was so engrossed in what was going to unfold . However , it fell kind of flat . The editing ruined the flow of things . I liked Logan , but I do hope that her character grows stronger in the following books . In Shattered , I am not sure if she was a strong enough lead . Being a first book in a series though , that may not be a fair judgment since this may be on purpose to show her beginnings into a stronger character . However , in many scenes and chapters I was more captivated by the supporting characters . The storyline was solid but it had a rushed feel and it felt like some of it was just blown through . I had a hard time caring about a lot of it . Some of that could have been the editing though . All in all , it 's a decent read and could turn out to be a very interesting series . The killer is not easy to spot , and Logan stays hot on the trail of the murderer . There is good and bad in the book , but as the first book it has a lot of potential to be a very good series . I would love to see more depth and growth in all the characters . Shattered was easy to read and did have you wondering how it was going to unfold . This book made me realize anyone can be crazy : ) Let 's have some fun ! I am going to post covers on here every Sunday that are scrambled up graphically , making it hard to tell what cover it is . I would like your guesses on what cover you think I 've posted . I won 't answer you until I 'm posting the next one to let you know if you are right , allowing others to guess as well . Some will be hard , and others may be easy . Let me know in the comments if you 'd like some more hints and I 'll offer some more if no one guesses it correctly . This is a meme hosted by Uncorked Thoughts . The aim of this meme is to share with fellow bloggers a character , spell , chapter , object or quote from the books / films / J . K . Rowling herself or anything Potter related ! She is picking a topic within HP for us to focus on each week and then if anyone wants to take part feel free ! All she asks is to link back to her blog : ) . There is now a full list of the topics to come here . The whole build - up to the moment of Dumbledore suffering from the Drink of Despair was chilling , but when Harry puts that Goblet in the lake and the Inferius rise to action , things got intense . Here he was , terrified that Dumbledore was dying , already broken down , when these re - animated dead bodies start rising out of the lake . They very nearly drag Harry down , drowning him . Thankfully , Dumbledore got a surge of energy enough to catch the whole lot of them on fire , or they both would 've been goners . Gabe has plenty to keep him busy : a bizarre missing persons case , a new development in his brother 's cold case , a new neighbor , and the grisly murders that are a nightly ritual in the Slip Mire . When Kyra shows up unexpectedly , he jumps at the chance keep her around , but it 's harder than he bargained for . She 's not an average source any more than she 's an average Mireling . Their partnership crumbles , but when things become even darker than usual in the Slip Mire , they 'll need one another get survive a hellish situation . If they can 't work together to shoulder their burdens , they 'll find themselves utterly alone . In Abstreuse , it 's not a matter of not coming out of the darkness , but of being absorbed by the darkness itself … L . K . Hill is a novelist who writes across three genres . Her crime and historical fiction are written under her initials , L . K . , while her scifi / fantasy and dystopian are written under her full name , Liesel K . Hill . She lives in northern Utah and comes from a large , tight - knit family . She plans to keep writing until they nail her coffin shut . Or the Second Coming happens . You know , whichever happens first . ; D Yancy Lazarus is having a bad day : there 's a bullet lodged in his butt cheek , his face looks like the site of a demolition derby , and he 's been saran - wrapped to a banquet table . He never should have answered the phone . Stupid bleeding heart - helping others in his circles is a good way to get dead . Just ask the gang members ripped to pieces by some kind of demonic nightmare in LA . As a favor to a friend , Yancy agrees to take a little looksee into the massacre and boom , he 's stuck in a turf war between two rival gangs , which both think he 's pinch - hitting for the other side . Oh , and there 's also a secretive ass - hat with some mean ol ' magical chops and a small army of hyena - faced , body - snatching baddies . It might be time to seriously reconsider some of his life choices . Yancy is a bluesman , a rambler , a gambler , but not much more . Sure , he can do a little magic - maybe even more than just a little magic - but he knows enough to keep his head down and stay clear of freaky - deaky hoodoo like this business in LA . Somehow though , he 's been set up to take a real bad fall - the kind of very permanent fall that leaves a guy with a toe tag . Unless , of course , he can find out who is responsible for the gangland murders , make peace in the midst of the gang feud , and take out said magical ass - hat before he hexes Yancy into an early retirement . Easy right ? Stupid . Bleeding . Heart . Buy Strange Magic by James A Hunter Today at Amazon I looked around at the crowded bar , Surveying the rough splattering of men and women who would be injured , maybe killed , if I let something go down in here . That wasn 't something I wanted . I 'm not a perfect human - - I drink , smoke , and gamble in amounts a few might consider excessive . I may not be the most positive role model for your kids , but I don 't like folks getting hurt either . Yancy Lazarus is my type of protagonist , he fights for what he considers to be right but he doesn 't do it in a lawful good type of way . He uses magic , which I really enjoyed how magic worked in this book and he has a magically enhance handgun that takes no prisoners . I loved that the creatures he fought were new for me and not the same old supernatural monster you normally read about . I also love the way Hunter sets the world up in a way for more books involving more interesting creatures while still referencing familiar ones . I really like that dimension travel is an option in this series . I would have liked to know more about his family . He left them when he got his powers thinking it would be safer for them but all I can think about is are his powers genetic ? Do any of his kids or even grand kids have his gifts ? And if so , maybe he should be trying to teach them instead of just taking a powder . I really enjoyed Strange Magic overall . It 's full of action , has plenty of new monster / demons to be introduced to and the universe it takes place in seems to have tons of potential . I love the Hub and the Bar being run by a Red Dragon . I read it in one afternoon as I couldn 't put it down . Definitely recommend this one . Not only was my assailant almost physically unstoppable , supernaturally resistant to the Vis , and military trained - - It was an honest - to - goodness ninja . A Ninja . In what world is that fair or okay ? If you ever have to say that you 've been assaulted by a supernatural , man - eating , hyena - ninja , it is a sure sign that your life has gone terribly , terribly wrong somewhere . " Am I inconveniencing you Greg ? Let me tell you about inconvenience . Inconvenient is getting a call from an old friend which results in driving halfway across the country . Inconvenient is getting sucker - punched by a supernatural assassin , being pumped full of horse tranquilizers , Saran - wrapped to a table by an insane gang of bikers , and then fighting a friggin ' demon . Oh , and inconvenient is getting shot in the ass . I got shot in the ass , Greg . Bullet . Ass . So I am so sorry if I 'm ' inconveniencing ' you . " Generally though , for most things - - leprechauns , low fae , or other dark denizens - - the hub is the revolving door in and out . One big bus station . Like any bus station , you might well get rolled if you fall asleep there and it smells a little like urine . Let 's have some fun ! I am going to post covers on here every Sunday that are scrambled up graphically , making it hard to tell what cover it is . I would like your guesses on what cover you think I 've posted . I won 't answer you until I 'm posting the next one to let you know if you are right , allowing others to guess as well . Some will be hard , and others may be easy . Let me know in the comments if you 'd like some more hints and I 'll offer some more if no one guesses it correctly . This is a meme hosted by Uncorked Thoughts . The aim of this meme is to share with fellow bloggers a character , spell , chapter , object or quote from the books / films / J . K . Rowling herself or anything Potter related ! She is picking a topic within HP for us to focus on each week and then if anyone wants to take part feel free ! All she asks is to link back to her blog : ) . There is now a full list of the topics to come here . I think early on in the very first book , the Dursley 's treatment of Harry is a betrayal . He 's their flesh and blood , and a child no less , and they treat him as if he 's unwanted , unloved , and unimportant in life . It 's immediately apparent that J . K . Rowling feels betrayal as bad since she gives us physical representations of the Dursleys as very unattractive people . That goes back to Disney villains being ugly , and is another discussion entirely since evil isn 't generally apparent on the outside . Peter was not only a member of the Order of the Phoenix who were staunchly fighting against Voldemort , but he was childhood friends with these people . He turned on them instead spying for Voldemort . As secret - keeper for the Potters , he betrayed them in an unforgivable way by giving their location away to the Dark Lord so he could kill them . But wait , it gets worse . When he 's found out , he is instrumental in bringing this horrible person back to life to kill tons more people . Which betrayal do you think is the worst in this series ? As a child , Henry Cadmus lived on Catalina Island , a scenic vacationland off the Southern California coast . But Henry 's experiences were far from idyllic . Today , even though Henry has seen firsthand the horrors of war , the ghastly images that haunt his dreams are ones he associates with his childhood … and the island : a snarling pig - man holding a cleaver ; a jackal - headed woman on a high balcony , dripping blood ; strange occult rituals … and worse . If it was up to Henry , he would avoid the island entirely . Henry Cadmus grew up on the beautiful Catalina Islands . His childhood memories are haunting and chilling . As a young boy he and his mom Vicki escape the weird and strange happenings on the island . Henry vowed to never step foot on the island again . Years later and after a very strained and distant relationship with his mother , he gets an odd letter stating she has moved back to the island . Soon all correspondence stops . Henry brings his wife and young daughter to find out some answers to this mystery . Once he steps foot on the island , he has strange flashbacks of earlier days . Things become more and more strange , sinister , and twisted the closer he gets to the truth . Anyone that loves horror and mystery , will find this book is very much intriguing . It is different and probably one of the most unique stories I have ever read . If you think your family has lots of quirks and secrets , I guarantee you it has nothing on Henry 's family . I really enjoyed the fact that when the book started out you couldn 't really tell if it was a true horror or just a great mystery . Since both genres are my favorite , this made Terminal Island and the plot very interesting to me . The deeper Henry delves into his mom 's disappearance , you are never really sure what is going on . Could it be shady people or could it be something " unnatural " ? Even though you only see Vicki in flashbacks throughout the book , you get wrapped up in trying to figure out what the heck happened to her . The book goes back and forth from the present to Henry 's childhood . So I was constantly trying to figure out how it all connected . I love a book that can try to get my thoughts and creative mystery juices flowing . Paradise Ain 't all it 's cracked up to be The book had me HOOKED until we got closer to the end . Then I wasn 't really sure if the author was on acid through the last half , or if I was having a bad trip and I don 't do drugs ! ! ! ! ! I am not saying the ending was horrible , but it was very trippy . I kinda started losing my interest because it was out there and too much . There was this STRANGE confusing stage play that was meant to explain the background and history of the main plot twist . All it managed to do is make my head spin from all the strangeness . The book was so well written and plot started out beautifully strong just to have it end up where it did . Have you ever listened to the lyrics of some Beatles songs ? ( I am the Walrus - I am talking about you ) That 's kinda the trippy direction the book took . Overall a nice vacation All in all , I really enjoyed reading Terminal Island . It was a fun twisty - turny of a story that went a totally unexpected direction . The plot is very well put together and is done in a way that makes you try to put pieces of the puzzle together . You can 't quite put your finger on what is going on . Henry and his wife Ruby sometimes make questionable decisions , it is easy to root for them and want to help them figure out what is happening with all the new condo developments and disappearing people . The end was a slight mushroom high trip , but it is all tied together very well . Everything does make sense by the time it is all over . My final thought : great little horror / mystery with an unexpected twist . Posted by Now with the group narrowed down to the six Elite , the competition to win Prince Maxon 's heart is fiercer than ever - and America is still struggling to decide where her heart truly lies . Is it with Maxon , who could make her life a fairy tale ? Or with her first love , Aspen ? The Elite dives deeper into the family members of America and Maxon . America 's dad I quite enjoyed in this one . Maxon 's dad , not so much . Maxon 's mom , however , is a gem . We also get more information into Maxon himself and the other girls that are a part of the selection . Bah ! This love triangle ( square ? ) is so frustrating . America is swinging back and forth between Maxon and Aspen faster than a kitten toying with a string . I was so dizzy reading why one guy was better than the other , then , wait , NO that one 's better . On top of that , due to America 's fickle nature , Maxon has to give the other girls more of a chance so he 's becoming quite the little charmer to the other girls in the competition . So annoying . Well , I guess I really summed that up in the Bad section so I 'll leave it there . Suffice to say that Aspen doesn 't really have any redeeming qualities for me since he broke up with America in the beginning of the first book . I 'm completely behind Maxon . I also don 't blame him for moving on since she can 't make a decision and stick with it . Though , by the end it seems that America has at least made a choice so I look very forward to better developments in this department . Overall , the characters are fantastic . I just love Maxon . Some of the side characters truly shine as well . The writing is well paced and smooth . I read The Elite very quickly . The action is more prevalent in this one , and much more information is provided about the world . With the way it ended , I have high hopes that the romance aspect will pick up in a better direction . Recommended . " It turns out I 'm absolutely terrible at staying away from you . It 's a very serious problem . " " You know that you 've found something amazing , and you want to hold on to it forever ; and every second after you have it , you fear the moment you might lose it . " " It wasn 't like I made his world better . It was like I was his world . It wasn 't some explosion ; it wasn 't fireworks . It was a fire , burning slowly from the inside out . " " He must love you very much , " Gavril said once I had my footing . I couldn 't look at him . " What makes you say that ? " Gavril sighed . " I 've known Maxon since he was a child . He 's never stood up to his father like that . " Posted by Let 's have some fun ! I am going to post covers on here every Sunday that are scrambled up graphically , making it hard to tell what cover it is . I would like your guesses on what cover you think I 've posted . I won 't answer you until I 'm posting the next one to let you know if you are right , allowing others to guess as well . Some will be hard , and others may be easy . Let me know in the comments if you 'd like some more hints and I 'll offer some more if no one guesses it correctly . My friend Robyn from robgirlbooks tasked us with coming up with a theme song each month , and I love it ! Music is a VERY big part of my life . This month is Rock Anthems . This is a meme hosted by Uncorked Thoughts . The aim of this meme is to share with fellow bloggers a character , spell , chapter , object or quote from the books / films / J . K . Rowling herself or anything Potter related ! She is picking a topic within HP for us to focus on each week and then if anyone wants to take part feel free ! All she asks is to link back to her blog : ) . There is now a full list of the topics to come here . This chick is no - holds - barred psychotic ! She doesn 't care who she kills as long as it wins her a little favor with her Dark Lord . She is the one that I would be the most scared to go up against without a doubt . With her love of torture , I 'd be praying for a quick Avada Kedavra from Voldemort instead . I also love that she never trusts Snape . " Potter , you cannot win against me ! I was and am the Dark Lord 's most loyal servant . I learned the Dark Arts from him , and I know spells of such power that you , pathetic little boy , can never hope to compete ! " " The Dark Lord will rise again , Crouch ! Throw us into Azkaban ; we will wait ! He will rise again and will come for us , he will reward us beyond any of his other supporters ! We alone were faithful ! We alone tried to find him ! " " You 're lying , you filthy Mudblood , and I know it ! You have been inside my vault at Gringotts ! Tell the truth , tell the truth ! What else did you take ? What else have you got ? Tell me the truth or , I swear , I shall run you through with this knife ! What else did you take , what else ? ANSWER ME ! CRUCIO ! "
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We are currently making improvements to the Audible site . In an effort to enhance the accessibility experience for our customers , we have created a page to more easily navigate the new experience , available at the web address www . audible . com / access . Sign In When my brother died , everyone thought I was just the good guy who stepped up to take his place in the band . No one knew what I was hiding . The one thing I 've been fighting for . For six years , I 've never lost focus . Not until one chance encounter with Alexis Kensington . Now she 's become my greatest temptation . I knew better than to touch her , but now that I 've had a taste , I can 't get enough . Her kiss becomes my air . Her body , my salvation . She needed a savior and somehow she became mine . Sadie White 's summer job is at the beach , but she won 't be working as a lifeguard . Since her mom is pregnant and refuses to work , Sadie will be taking over as a domestic servant for a wealthy family on a nearby island . When the family arrives at their summer getaway , Sadie is surprised to learn that the owner of the house is Jax Stone , one of the hottest teen rockers in the world . If Sadie were normal - if she hadn 't spent her life raising her mother and taking care of the house - maybe she 'd be excited about working for a rock star . But she 's not . I 've never been afraid of the dark . . . but that doesn 't mean I wanted to live in it . Maybe everyone wants what they can 't have , but I should 've thought it over before I unlocked the door to their forbidden world . Number One is mostly silent . He watches me very carefully . Number Two is mostly gentle . But it 's the other side of him I like best . Number Three is mostly reserved . It was carnal , it was sensual , and it was erotic . That 's it . That 's all it was supposed to be . A trip into the dark . A peek into the forbidden . I just didn 't expect to like them . One word . Stay . It was all he had to do . Instead , he got on that bus and took my heart with him . That was 17 years ago . I moved on . Marriage . Kids . White picket fence . Everything I ever wanted , but my husband betrayed me and I was left once again . There was something wicked about Beau that drew me to him . What was wrong with me ? Why did I want to sin so badly ? Ashton is getting tired of being good , of impressing her parents and playing ideal girlfriend to Sawyer Vincent . Sawyer is perfect , a regular Prince Charming , but when he leaves town for the summer , it 's his cousin Beau who catches Ashton 's eye . Beau is the sexiest guy she 's ever seen , and even though he 's dangerous , Ashton is drawn to him . His best friend 's little sister is all grown up . . . and ready to play in a whole new way . Smith Hamilton has it all - he 's smart , good - looking , and loaded . But he remembers a time when he had nothing and no one , so he 's not about to mess up , especially with his best friend 's little sister . That means keeping Evie at arm 's length . . . even though the once pesky little girl is now a buxom bombshell . A sexy blonde who pushes his self - control to the limit the night she crawls into bed with him . It wasn 't the way this kind of story was supposed to go . . . insta - love isn 't supposed to turn into insta - hate . But that 's exactly what happened when the dreamboat I met in a bar turned out to be a lying , cheating scumbag looking for nothing but a little side action . And he has the nerve to call me a liar and a " sociopath " ? Asshole . And now , three months later , it turns out my boss is marrying his sister in Hawaii and I 've got to play nice with him for an entire freaking week . My name is Melody Greene , and I have a confession to make . I slept with my student , a senior in high school . Multiple times . I had multiple orgasms . In multiple positions . I slept with my student and I enjoyed it . I slept with my student and I 'd do it all over again if I could turn back time . My name is Melody Greene , and I got kicked out of my position as a teacher and did my walk of shame a la Cersei Lannister from the principal 's office , minutes after said principal threatened to call the cops on me . I met Bianca in an elevator . She was on her way to interview me when we got stuck . The beautiful raven - haired reporter assumed I was a delivery guy because of the way I was dressed . She had no clue I was really Dex Truitt , the wealthy , successful businessman she 'd dubbed " Mister Moneybags " - her afternoon appointment . Bianca told me how much she hated Dex 's type - snobby , over - educated , silver - spooned men who didn 't appreciate the simple things in life . They called him Mack Daddy . No , seriously , his name was Mack . Short for Mackenzie . Thus , the nickname . Perfect , right ? So was he : perfect . The perfect physical male specimen . At the private school where I taught , Mack Morrison was the only man around in a sea of women . Easton Wylder is baseball royalty . The game is his life . His passion . His everything . So when an injury threatens to end Easton 's season early , the team calls in renowned physical therapist , Doc Dalton , to oversee his recovery . Except it 's not Doc who greets Easton for his first session , but rather , his daughter , Scout . She may be feisty , athletic , defiant , and gorgeous , but Easton is left questioning whether she has what it takes to help him . Max Alexander is nearing 35 . He 's built a successful company , and he 's conquered the professional world , but he 's never been lucky in love . Focusing so much time on his business and raising his daughter , adulting has come at the expense of his personal life . His social skills are shit , his patience is shot , and at times , his temper runs hot . The last thing he has time for is the recently single , too gorgeous for her own good young woman he hires to take care of his little girl . Let 's say there was this guy . And he gave you the most mind - blowing night of sex in your life . And you never saw him again . Until 10 years later . Now , it turns out he 's the only one in all of Manhattan whose restaurant is available for my charity 's event . The trouble is , he doesn 't recognize me . You have the right to remain sexy . Anything you say can and will be used to get you in my bed . You have the right to use my body to give yourself a delirious , life - changing orgasm . If you have trouble . . . don 't worry , I 'm a bit of an expert in that department . Pagan Moore doesn 't cheat Death , but instead , falls in love with him . Seventeen year old Pagan Moore has seen souls her entire life . Once she realized the strangers she often saw walking through walls were not visible to anyone else , she started ignoring them . If she didn 't let them know she could see them , then they left her alone . Until she stepped out of her car the first day of school and saw an incredibly sexy guy lounging on a picnic table , watching her with an amused smirk on his face . Problem is , she knows he 's dead . After living her life in the shadows as the daughter of a congressman 's secret affair , Kennedy Barnes joins " Project Greenlight " - a clandestine intelligence organization . She 's out to prove she 's more than her father 's dirty secret . One of her first assignments is simple . Get close to Phoenix Ash , collect enough evidence to put him away for life , and get out unscathed . Phoenix Ash is a world renowned hacker . He 's pulled off some of the biggest heists in modern history , but never leaves a trace . Jack Valentini isn 't my type . Sexy , brooding cowboys are fine in the movies , but in real life , I prefer a suit and tie . Proper manners . A close shave . Jack might be gorgeous , but he 's also scruffy , rugged , and rude . He wants nothing to do with a " rich city girl " like me , and he isn 't afraid to say so . But I 've got a PR job to do for his family 's farm , so he 's stuck with me and I 'm stuck with him . His glares . His moods . His tight jeans . His muscles . His huge , hard muscles . I 'm Ash Evans . The life of the party . Hot . Rich . Charismatic . A tattooed rock star with the world at my feet . I burn through women faster than the strike of a match . I 've embraced my lifestyle and live it to the fullest . Until the day my lifestyle caught up to me . Willow Langston found me at my lowest . Literally . Facedown in a puddle of my own blood . I owe her my life and I have three months to repay that debt . What I never should have done was touch her . Kiss her . Take her to my bed . Love wasn 't supposed to be a part of the equation . Fall for a woman over text messages ? No way in hell . Reality can never be as good at the fantasy , right ? Wrong . It 's better . Banner Regent is smart , funny , and so far out of my league she might as well be royalty . I 'm a mechanic from Kentucky . She 's a New York City party girl . We were never supposed to meet , but one text started something neither of us saw coming . How do you seduce the woman who already has everything ? Show her what it 's like to be with a real good man . Sexy . Intriguing . Easy . Eli Boudreaux 's family has built ships and boats in Louisiana for generations . He comes from a hardworking , wealthy family , and his empire is growing by leaps and bounds . At 30 he is the youngest CEO ever to head Bayou Enterprises , cochairing with his eldest brother . His head for business and his no - nonsense work ethic are also quickly making him the best the company has seen in generations . His staff admires him , women adore him , and Eli 's family is solid . I 've made every one of my billions of dollars myself - I 'm calculating , astute and the best at what I do . It takes drive and dedication to build what I have . And it leaves no time for love or girlfriends or relationships . But don 't get me wrong , I 'm not a monk . I understand the attention and focus it takes to seduce a beautiful woman . They 're the same skills I use to close business deals . But one night is where it begins and ends . I 'm not the guy who sends flowers . I 'm not the guy who calls the next day . # 1 New York Times best - selling author Abbi Glines concludes the irresistible story of Woods and Della that began with Twisted Perfection . Woods had his perfect life mapped out for him . Rise up the ranks of the family business . Marry the rich girl of his parents ' dreams . Pretend that wealth and privilege was all he 'd ever wanted . Then a girl named Della breezed into town , a beautifully imperfect stranger who captured his heart and opened his eyes to a new kind of future . Woods is ready and willing to sacrifice everything for her when the sudden death of his father leaves him with his mother to care for and a business to manage . Della is determined to be strong for Woods , even as she 's quietly falling to pieces . No matter how far from home she 's run , the ghosts of her past have never stopped haunting her . Struggling to hide her true feelings from Woods , Della fears she can 't be his rock without dragging him down into the darkness with her . But is she strong enough to let go of the last thing holding her together ? If you 're looking for a book that has some heat , passion , romance , and will twist your heart up a bit , this is the perfect pick for you ! Although , this is part if a series . I recommend you complete Twisted Perfection first . Just be prepared to put on your big girl panties , grab the tissues , and hang on tight when you tackle this little gem . There were quite a few surprises in this book . The first half of the book moves along at a steady pace . The second half of the book nearly knocked the wind out of me . I won 't go into detail and ruin the impact for you , but just know that you will never see some of these things coming . This book continues basically at the point Twisted Perfection ended . Della is starting to adjust to the fact that Woods really does love and want her , she still struggles with the issues in her past . She fears that she will hold Woods back in the long term and feels like he deserves more . Better . Like in the first book , there were times that Della just plain irritated me . She quickly jumps to conclusions and her insecurities can be frustrating . But , I also empathized with her . Her past has seriously wounded her . Despite the times I felt frustrated with Della , I still admire the fact that she isn 't scared to take a chance . Della learns some startling info about her past which changes the direction for a more promising future . I feel that she shows a lot more growth in this book . As far as my feelings for Woods . . . well , lets just say I thought I liked him before , I was wrong . I absolutely adore him even more now . Overall , I really liked Simple Perfection . Woods and Della 's relationship is special & very very SMEXY ! ! This couple has had to overcome some pretty difficult issues . But , they do and they do it together . In fact , their love for each other is the only thing that is simple in this book . I 've enjoyed these characters and look forward to continuing with the next book in the series . On a side note , it would been more helpful if Audible would have made the rest of the books in the Fallen too Fa28 of 30 people found this review helpful The book in general is amazing . The storyline is very emotional and draws you in pretty quickly with the well - developed characters . Who was your favorite character and why ? Della . She amazed me with what all she 's had to endure but yet she still fights for herself . What does Elizabeth Louise and Sebastian York bring to the story that you wouldn 't experience if you just read the book ? EVERYTHING ! These two work great together ! I 'm especially obsessed with Sebastian York 's narration . I 've actually bought books just because he has narrated them . Elizabeth Louise did a great job with her accent . It was believable . If you could take any character from Simple Perfection out to dinner , who would it be and why ? Do I have to choose just one ? I would have to choose Grant . Yes , I know this isn 't his book but I 've slowly come to love his character . More Less Okay so this continues Della and Woods ' relationship . I love this couple . There is so much growing and changing for both characters it was great . There are tons of twists and turns it really keeps it going . There is one part toward the end that breaks you just keep tissues handy . I so feel for all of them . LOVE LOVE LOVE the book ! ! ! Woods has become such a strong man ! Della has found the strength she already has , so proud of her . More Less Would you recommend this audiobook to a friend ? If so , why ? Yes , it had you going from the beginning to the end . You won 't be disappoint in the sexy scene . How Wood stood up to his father and mother . Have you listened to any of Elizabeth Louise and Sebastian York 's other performances before ? How does this one compare ? No - this was my first , they were amazing . Was there a moment in the book that particularly moved you ? I love these little Abbi Glines stories . I didn 't think I would be this into them , but , I 've kept coming back for more . I finally determined what they remind me of , and it 's more than just an R - rated After School special , it 's Beverly Hills 90210 - - the Southern version ! Young , rich and beautiful . Although some of the decisions are very immature , the characters are definitely grown and engaging in grown up matters that 's for sure . Della and Woods have a rough go at their relationship , with Della trying to overcome her past and find her own strength . Ultimately the two make it , but , not without some trials . The supporting characters definitely add content and opportunity for multiple spin offs and I 'm probably going to buy each one . The sex is pretty hot as well - - BONUS ! This would be at least 4 . 5 stars if the female narrator was better , but , Sebastian York makes up for anything Elizabeth Louise is lacking ! More Less I love the story of Della and Woods . Thank goodness that I have a little closure on what happened to them . I 've been wondering since reading Rush and Blaire 's story when Blaire pulled the gun on that horrid woman what was going to happen to Della . Now I can sleep easy ! They fit Woods and Della so well . It 's as if they understood how they felt and portrayed it all on Audio for us . I could hear the joy , sadness , fear , and so much concern for everyone , Emotions run so deep this TRIP around . You stay focused and you WILL want to climb in this book and help them so much . It 's a love story that could stand alone if you didn 't read the first book . I loved this Abbi Glines ! . It 's so good . All in ! ! ! ! If you could take any character from Simple Perfection out to dinner , who would it be and why ? Honestly , I read her first book and feel in love , And this the second was a compliment to that . Woods and Della needs understanding of the past and what they are both going through . What happened in this book needed to happen . I didn 't think that when it come to be as I was reading , but afterwards it had to in order to understand the past and come to terms with the future . . I pray this series is not over , and want of this couple that have NOW have open eyes and a clear understanding of each other past 's and hearts and what has keep them from being complete for one another in more than just being in love . They were badly hurt but unjustly so parents , but there is " snap to moments " , ( actually several ) that surprise you and they needed to be mended . . Great , great romance hot love scenes , totally raw honesty from so many directions that now you know more of each other 's battle better and how they set out to conquer and pull together . With the help of dear , dear friends . Some new and from the past . These friendships that are on top of what each other needs are and help them bring them back from the brink of complete and utter sadness and for Della her darkness . . It also will want you to bring out the gloves for those who have always been trouble makers . Woods and Della are merely surviving , holding on , thinking they can make it like this . until she makes a major decision thinking it 's best for Woods . She once again , didn 't understand , only wanting what she thinks is best . She is such an unselfish person and the love being so deep for him , she will give up her happiness for a brief moment in time to show him that her love is so great for him But Wood 's is no idiot . He will sit back and watch everything concerning his Della . Letting her be he own person and making herself whole . But after listening to this book , I understand why she had to do what she did . Woods also had chapter 's in his life to end and start . He needed Della to continue with her searching but as she did , he did the same with his past , remembering his More Less I loved Della and Woods ! I am really sad that their story is over . Really enjoy their romance and how passionate the story was . Now , I am hunting my next one . Excellent book for the romance novel lover ! More Less Overall good story , I liked the twists in this book , went through a range of emotions listening to it ! However , fellas accent seemed really forced at times and over the top . I love Sebastian York as woods . . . But not when he did Dellas voice - especially during the graphic parts . . . Kind of sounded creepy . I just fast forwarded through those . Still a good story and I enjoyed it ! More Less Book 2 in the Perfection series and book 6 in The Rosemary Beach series continues with Woods and Della 's story , which follows on from the sudden death of Woods ' father at the end of the previous book . We see Woods struggling with managing the club , his mother , his complete bitch of an ex girlfriend , along with his need to protect Della from everything and everyone . Something 's got to give and Della thinks it should be her . I enjoyed this story so much , it was lovely to finally see Della and Woods standing up for what they want . I was however , heartbroken and devastated at the end following a very unexpected turn of events . Beautifully written , can 't wait to see what 's happening in Rosemary Beach in the next instalment . If you find this review inappropriate and think it should be removed from our site , let us know . This report will be reviewed by Audible and we will take appropriate action . Cancel
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My pay has been frozen since late 2008 . My industry is widely derided as dying . One of the worst recessions in years is keeping the unemployment rate high . And my friends are quitting to take other jobs , good jobs , although they both are with radio companies - - talk about your dying industries . At first I wondered if I smell bad or something . I do shower daily and participate regularly in hygienic practices . Plus , I realized , these friends work on different floors . The chance that eau de Matt is wafting down and driving folks to quit seem unlikely . Then I realized : They are taking advantage of the coveted F . O . M . status . I am sure that sometime during their interview they let it slip in casually : blah , blah , blah " as I was saying the other day to Matt Trott . . . " This , obviously sets off alarm bells ( the good kind ) for the interviewer who starts to throw money at the interviewee , my friend . The second clue was that I kept running into the lane markers . Who is the crazy person steering me ? Oh , me ? Whoops . My head as rudder needs work . All the volunteers in swimming have different ideas about what to do with me , or to me . This one let me swim on my own once I got the vest on , which was awesome , just unexpected . To be fair , I am sure he said something and I didn 't hear but was like OK . Once I figured out I was holding my head up , I still got a fair amount of water in my mouth . It was just open as I breathed , so water splashed in a bit . The only time it caused me trouble was when I was working on this " recovery move . " You bring your legs to your chest and lean forward . Then you just stand up . So yeah , it would be a modest recovery for me if no one was around . I 'd go to stand up , my legs would flail around goofily , then I 'd sink down to Michael Phelps ' Locker ( not Davy Jones ' because I am in a pool ) . As it was , the volunteer helped me once I was standing , so it worked . But have you ever tried leaning forward while wearing a flotation vest , albeit a modest one ? That thing fought me , it fought me hard . And when it realized it was losing and I was going to keep leaning forward , it made me roll . I didn 't sink because I was wearing the vest , I just took a face full of water and coughed . It reminds me of the time at Lake Anna that Gram made me try her swimming belt . It is so great , she assured me . You just lie there and it keeps you afloat , my loving grandmother said . She then turned away , cackled a sinister laugh and rubbed her hands together as her fiendish plot came to fruition . OK , maybe not the last part , but I put that thing on and tried to float . It did keep me from sinking . It just rolled me and sat on top of me , and me about six inches under the surface . I learned last Friday that a friend was leaving work and spent much of this week gearing up for various parties and lunches for him and another friend who is having a baby . But now the week is over . Kind of a letdown . I used up a lot of adrenaline this week . I went to things where I couldn 't really hear . I used a manual chair on one of the hottest days so far this year . I tried to get in a bathroom without an automatic door ( I made it in finally , but on my departure I had to go out then reopen the door for Claren ) . I ate far too much bacon . I am tired , but I am glad I did all of those things . Well , I could have lived without all the bacon . I imagine people who read this blog will maybe sense a touch or two of bitterness and anger at being dependent . That hasn 't changed . I am debating using my manual chair tomorrow . There is a farewell party for a friend and I would like the option to go out with people after . Not saying I will want to - - I may be tired . Not saying anyone will be doing anything . It is just nice to have the option and the power chair takes it away . I was still driving then and she got to recognize me from my trips out of the long - term parking lot . She would always ask if I had a nice vacation and I would say yes and ask her when she was taking a vacation . She always said never , because she hated going back to work so much after a vacation . It 's not even going to be a normal week . One of my very good friends told me on Friday that he was leaving for another job . Then he posted it on Facebook and his blog so I knew he wasn 't fooling . Friday is his last day . He is leaving for the right reasons - - to continue challenging himself and to keep pushing himself - - so I can 't get mad at him . I did tell him , though , that one reason I am not looking for a new job is that I am quite comfy in my current one . That doesn 't mean it is easy or that I phone it in or that I mind trying something new . it just means that I have so many things pushing and challenging me . For instance , I want a new manual wheelchair so I looked for an in - network provider . None , at least within 100 miles . I got the plan descriptions from our HR department , and it turns out that hardly matters . I am going to be out a lot of money if I get a new chair . Insurance covers 80 % after meeting the deductible , $ 1250 for in - network , $ 2500 for out . I hate insurers . And being comfy means that I can just be me - - the slightly odd assistant money editor who knows far too much about superheroes . A brief aside : I only remember actually driving a go - kart once . I don 't remember actually fearing that I 'd kill someone , maybe myself , but subconsciously that thought was probably there . I never rode the bumper boats , either . Anyway , tragedy struck on the ride with my uncle ( not really , but I am trying to make things more dramatic ) . As we were cruising around , my Snoopy visor flew off and landed in the track . My uncle didn 't rattle easily . We went around again , and as we approached the wayward visor he slowed . Then he started doing the tomahawk chop with his left hand out the side of the go - kart to let other drivers know we were up to something . And at the bottom of one of the chops he scooped up the visor . Problem solved . I was thinking about my go - kart days this morning in the shower . I dropped the bottle of body wash and when I bent down to my right to pick it up , my body slid forward bringing my arm up . I did this several times , and I started hoping that my arm would hook the body wash like my uncle hooked the visor . Mom and I went for a quick walk last night despite the foreboding clouds . I wanted to see the likely color schemes that my sister had painted on the side of the new house . We didn 't get any farther . The rain started coming and it intensified fast . As the rain got harder I gave Mom Claren to run in the side yard while I kicked it up to fifth gear and motored up the driveway . I had some trouble getting lined up for the ramp in fifth . One set of wheels , then the other went off the side at the beginning . Mom came out with an umbrella and we got in . I was soaked totally and took a shower to clean off , which is where the story ended , I thought until today . I mentioned to my sister what happened and she said , Oh , that is why K was going crazy . Then she mimicked her 7 - year - old daughter K : Mom and I spent the day at the national fish and wildlife refuge run by my uncle / godfather . He has been there 10 years and one of the many things he did was put in wheelchair accessible pathways . I have always meant to go , but he is leaving for a new job at the end of the month . So I had to make it now or never . Better late than never . It was great . I could go anywhere the paths went , and they went almost everywhere . The only potential hazards : fox poop and turtle nests . More than once , there were baseball - size holes in the packed - gravel path . Real smooth holes . My uncle said turtles dug them , laid eggs and the little guys are left to fend for themselves . I frankly don 't know how we still have turtles . It 's like Clemyjontri Park , a wheelchair - accessible playground for kids in McLean . I have been a handful of times and it has always bugged me that I am the only wheelchair user there . I am being stupid , I know . That isn 't the point . The point of the park , I suspect , is that kids in chairs can do everything there that their more able - bodied friends can . It 's not like there has to be someone in a chair to make Clemyjontri work . It 's just there if some kid in a chair wants to go to a park . I found it via WHEELIE cATHOLIC . Apparently , the Twins new stadium has almost 800 seats for people with disabilities . Great ! The problem is that those seats are finding their way into the hands of ticket brokers . Bad ! What I was surprised at when I first read the story was how many commenters seemed to think that people who are disabled should not have reserved seats . Unless every seat is accessible , you really have to do that . Jerks . Mom picked off some . Claren had a few , not a great testimonial to Frontline , which I gave her less than two weeks ago . But me not a one , at least that I felt . Even blood - sucking parasites shun me . Is it any wonder my self - esteem stinks ? Ticks are now on the list . The workshop was at a Lutheran church in Maryland - - the first outside New York - - which I have been asking for for years , so it was cool . Mom and Dad just dropped me off , and I wanted to make sure the bathrooms met my definition of accessible . If they didn 't , I could call Mom and Dad back to get me . " Damn , " I thought . " I always figured Lutherans were stodgy Lake Wobegoners , but now they 're advocating dropping trou at will . What would Martin Luther think ? " Then I realized she was just talking about toileting the dogs , and she pointed me toward the person bathrooms , which were perfectly accessible . Oh well . The workshop was just refreshing stuff we had learned in team training years ago - - how dogs learn and how to teach them stuff . I could hear the trainers fine - - they are all good speakers . Being New Yorkers does not hurt , I imagine . But when the other grads started asking questions , I was pretty lost . That stunk . I would have liked to share my experiences with folks but was not always sure what we were talking about . Claren got to show off how crazy hairy she is . One of the trainers was demonstrating the Furminator . She asked to borrow Claren and brushed off a pile of hair from one small spot , even though we had brushed her with the Furminator last night . When she borrowed another dog , that dog was so excited to see the trainer and hung around her regardless of whether she held the leash . Not my Claren , though . Once the trainer dropped the leash , Claren started wandering around and sniffing . She makes me so proud . Just being there was fun , though . I saw people I had not seen in years and got to catch up with folks . And well , CCI is so freaking awesome , I 'd go to support them almost anywhere . I hate using my wheelchair , but I saw this video today at work and wanted to cry . And not tears of joy for the plucky heroine . Tears of sadness . The heroine dreamed of not using her chair . After becoming a paraplegic in a car accident , she told her mother she would walk across the stage to get her diploma like the other kids . So she did . They set up parallel bars and she walked across the stage using her upper body . Everyone cheered and probably felt great . Not me , though . What 's wrong with using a wheelchair ? I may hate my wheelchair , but it does a damn hard job very well . I wouldn 't dream of not using it . Does that make me a loser ? She was able to walk across like the " normal " kids , but what about the kids for whom walking is not an option ? What message is sent ? That wheelchairs suck and if you can shed them life would be better and people would cheer . Maybe I 'd like to shed my chair , too , but then I 'd fall down or never get out of bed . P . S . For the record I don 't want her to see this blog because it seems I am harshing on a child . It is cool she graduated despite her disability and all . Her classmates ought to have cheered like hell . I just dislike trying so hard to be able - bodied . God , what is wrong with me ? A friend of mine sent out an e - mail and wrote a blog post about NPR streaming the new album by Gaslight Anthem . Even though I had heard of the band in reference to Bruce Springsteen , I had not heard their music before , so I listened . And I realized why my musical preferences only run through 1995 . The songs of my youth have been hammered into my brain , so I know that Springsteen does not mention the devil when he sings " Tenth Avenue Freeze Out . " I just can 't hear the lyrics . Even some of Springsteen 's later songs fall into the " Yabba dabba do " category , I am embarrassed to say . I was asleep out on my chaise lounge when the guests arrived for my niece 's seventh birthday party . Apparently , though , Claren and I were a hit . Mostly her , I imagine . Parts of me really want to go . I had never even considered being able to help veterans and this would give me that chance . I love talking about service dogs and CCI . I like helping people . But . . . I am terrified . A friend of mine who raises service dogs told me stories of taking her dog to Walter Reed . The stories were about these young men and women trying to put their live back together without arms or legs or whatever and just the stories made me cry . I worked with the Navy one summer in college but that was another lifetime , one where I could walk and hear . I have had no interaction with military folk since really . Kids love Claren , and are impressed by the things she does , but this would be real life with vets , although they are probably just kids , too , which makes it worse . I know Claren would be fine . But I am not sure I would be . I am also not sure if that is a good reason not to do it . I wish that the damage I routinely inflict on my wheelchair was some kind of conscious or unconscious rebellion against the POS machine . I know , however , that the many breaks are 95 % the result of bad reaction time and just plain clumsiness . ( I know that I am dooming myself to never be allowed to use a riding mower . ) Maybe 5 % is due to the chair 's shittiness . Well , maybe 10 % , it really is so poorly designed . A friend of mine and I decided that when you are bitter , you have two options . You can be mean and angry bitter , which begets pity . Or you can be a funny bitter , which inspires laughter , maybe empathy and even learning . It is a very fine line between the two . I asked my favorite visual artist I am related to to illustrate this . She did an awesome job . It is quite a task . I am definitely bitter . I hope I am funny . I am a 45 - year - old with Friedreich 's ataxia , a genetic disorder that slowly robs you of your coordination and muscle control . I use a wheelchair all the time . And I write .
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My pay has been frozen since late 2008 . My industry is widely derided as dying . One of the worst recessions in years is keeping the unemployment rate high . And my friends are quitting to take other jobs , good jobs , although they both are with radio companies - - talk about your dying industries . At first I wondered if I smell bad or something . I do shower daily and participate regularly in hygienic practices . Plus , I realized , these friends work on different floors . The chance that eau de Matt is wafting down and driving folks to quit seem unlikely . Then I realized : They are taking advantage of the coveted F . O . M . status . I am sure that sometime during their interview they let it slip in casually : blah , blah , blah " as I was saying the other day to Matt Trott . . . " This , obviously sets off alarm bells ( the good kind ) for the interviewer who starts to throw money at the interviewee , my friend . The second clue was that I kept running into the lane markers . Who is the crazy person steering me ? Oh , me ? Whoops . My head as rudder needs work . All the volunteers in swimming have different ideas about what to do with me , or to me . This one let me swim on my own once I got the vest on , which was awesome , just unexpected . To be fair , I am sure he said something and I didn 't hear but was like OK . Once I figured out I was holding my head up , I still got a fair amount of water in my mouth . It was just open as I breathed , so water splashed in a bit . The only time it caused me trouble was when I was working on this " recovery move . " You bring your legs to your chest and lean forward . Then you just stand up . So yeah , it would be a modest recovery for me if no one was around . I 'd go to stand up , my legs would flail around goofily , then I 'd sink down to Michael Phelps ' Locker ( not Davy Jones ' because I am in a pool ) . As it was , the volunteer helped me once I was standing , so it worked . But have you ever tried leaning forward while wearing a flotation vest , albeit a modest one ? That thing fought me , it fought me hard . And when it realized it was losing and I was going to keep leaning forward , it made me roll . I didn 't sink because I was wearing the vest , I just took a face full of water and coughed . It reminds me of the time at Lake Anna that Gram made me try her swimming belt . It is so great , she assured me . You just lie there and it keeps you afloat , my loving grandmother said . She then turned away , cackled a sinister laugh and rubbed her hands together as her fiendish plot came to fruition . OK , maybe not the last part , but I put that thing on and tried to float . It did keep me from sinking . It just rolled me and sat on top of me , and me about six inches under the surface . I learned last Friday that a friend was leaving work and spent much of this week gearing up for various parties and lunches for him and another friend who is having a baby . But now the week is over . Kind of a letdown . I used up a lot of adrenaline this week . I went to things where I couldn 't really hear . I used a manual chair on one of the hottest days so far this year . I tried to get in a bathroom without an automatic door ( I made it in finally , but on my departure I had to go out then reopen the door for Claren ) . I ate far too much bacon . I am tired , but I am glad I did all of those things . Well , I could have lived without all the bacon . I imagine people who read this blog will maybe sense a touch or two of bitterness and anger at being dependent . That hasn 't changed . I am debating using my manual chair tomorrow . There is a farewell party for a friend and I would like the option to go out with people after . Not saying I will want to - - I may be tired . Not saying anyone will be doing anything . It is just nice to have the option and the power chair takes it away . I was still driving then and she got to recognize me from my trips out of the long - term parking lot . She would always ask if I had a nice vacation and I would say yes and ask her when she was taking a vacation . She always said never , because she hated going back to work so much after a vacation . It 's not even going to be a normal week . One of my very good friends told me on Friday that he was leaving for another job . Then he posted it on Facebook and his blog so I knew he wasn 't fooling . Friday is his last day . He is leaving for the right reasons - - to continue challenging himself and to keep pushing himself - - so I can 't get mad at him . I did tell him , though , that one reason I am not looking for a new job is that I am quite comfy in my current one . That doesn 't mean it is easy or that I phone it in or that I mind trying something new . it just means that I have so many things pushing and challenging me . For instance , I want a new manual wheelchair so I looked for an in - network provider . None , at least within 100 miles . I got the plan descriptions from our HR department , and it turns out that hardly matters . I am going to be out a lot of money if I get a new chair . Insurance covers 80 % after meeting the deductible , $ 1250 for in - network , $ 2500 for out . I hate insurers . And being comfy means that I can just be me - - the slightly odd assistant money editor who knows far too much about superheroes . A brief aside : I only remember actually driving a go - kart once . I don 't remember actually fearing that I 'd kill someone , maybe myself , but subconsciously that thought was probably there . I never rode the bumper boats , either . Anyway , tragedy struck on the ride with my uncle ( not really , but I am trying to make things more dramatic ) . As we were cruising around , my Snoopy visor flew off and landed in the track . My uncle didn 't rattle easily . We went around again , and as we approached the wayward visor he slowed . Then he started doing the tomahawk chop with his left hand out the side of the go - kart to let other drivers know we were up to something . And at the bottom of one of the chops he scooped up the visor . Problem solved . I was thinking about my go - kart days this morning in the shower . I dropped the bottle of body wash and when I bent down to my right to pick it up , my body slid forward bringing my arm up . I did this several times , and I started hoping that my arm would hook the body wash like my uncle hooked the visor . Mom and I went for a quick walk last night despite the foreboding clouds . I wanted to see the likely color schemes that my sister had painted on the side of the new house . We didn 't get any farther . The rain started coming and it intensified fast . As the rain got harder I gave Mom Claren to run in the side yard while I kicked it up to fifth gear and motored up the driveway . I had some trouble getting lined up for the ramp in fifth . One set of wheels , then the other went off the side at the beginning . Mom came out with an umbrella and we got in . I was soaked totally and took a shower to clean off , which is where the story ended , I thought until today . I mentioned to my sister what happened and she said , Oh , that is why K was going crazy . Then she mimicked her 7 - year - old daughter K : Mom and I spent the day at the national fish and wildlife refuge run by my uncle / godfather . He has been there 10 years and one of the many things he did was put in wheelchair accessible pathways . I have always meant to go , but he is leaving for a new job at the end of the month . So I had to make it now or never . Better late than never . It was great . I could go anywhere the paths went , and they went almost everywhere . The only potential hazards : fox poop and turtle nests . More than once , there were baseball - size holes in the packed - gravel path . Real smooth holes . My uncle said turtles dug them , laid eggs and the little guys are left to fend for themselves . I frankly don 't know how we still have turtles . It 's like Clemyjontri Park , a wheelchair - accessible playground for kids in McLean . I have been a handful of times and it has always bugged me that I am the only wheelchair user there . I am being stupid , I know . That isn 't the point . The point of the park , I suspect , is that kids in chairs can do everything there that their more able - bodied friends can . It 's not like there has to be someone in a chair to make Clemyjontri work . It 's just there if some kid in a chair wants to go to a park . I found it via WHEELIE cATHOLIC . Apparently , the Twins new stadium has almost 800 seats for people with disabilities . Great ! The problem is that those seats are finding their way into the hands of ticket brokers . Bad ! What I was surprised at when I first read the story was how many commenters seemed to think that people who are disabled should not have reserved seats . Unless every seat is accessible , you really have to do that . Jerks . Mom picked off some . Claren had a few , not a great testimonial to Frontline , which I gave her less than two weeks ago . But me not a one , at least that I felt . Even blood - sucking parasites shun me . Is it any wonder my self - esteem stinks ? Ticks are now on the list . The workshop was at a Lutheran church in Maryland - - the first outside New York - - which I have been asking for for years , so it was cool . Mom and Dad just dropped me off , and I wanted to make sure the bathrooms met my definition of accessible . If they didn 't , I could call Mom and Dad back to get me . " Damn , " I thought . " I always figured Lutherans were stodgy Lake Wobegoners , but now they 're advocating dropping trou at will . What would Martin Luther think ? " Then I realized she was just talking about toileting the dogs , and she pointed me toward the person bathrooms , which were perfectly accessible . Oh well . The workshop was just refreshing stuff we had learned in team training years ago - - how dogs learn and how to teach them stuff . I could hear the trainers fine - - they are all good speakers . Being New Yorkers does not hurt , I imagine . But when the other grads started asking questions , I was pretty lost . That stunk . I would have liked to share my experiences with folks but was not always sure what we were talking about . Claren got to show off how crazy hairy she is . One of the trainers was demonstrating the Furminator . She asked to borrow Claren and brushed off a pile of hair from one small spot , even though we had brushed her with the Furminator last night . When she borrowed another dog , that dog was so excited to see the trainer and hung around her regardless of whether she held the leash . Not my Claren , though . Once the trainer dropped the leash , Claren started wandering around and sniffing . She makes me so proud . Just being there was fun , though . I saw people I had not seen in years and got to catch up with folks . And well , CCI is so freaking awesome , I 'd go to support them almost anywhere . I hate using my wheelchair , but I saw this video today at work and wanted to cry . And not tears of joy for the plucky heroine . Tears of sadness . The heroine dreamed of not using her chair . After becoming a paraplegic in a car accident , she told her mother she would walk across the stage to get her diploma like the other kids . So she did . They set up parallel bars and she walked across the stage using her upper body . Everyone cheered and probably felt great . Not me , though . What 's wrong with using a wheelchair ? I may hate my wheelchair , but it does a damn hard job very well . I wouldn 't dream of not using it . Does that make me a loser ? She was able to walk across like the " normal " kids , but what about the kids for whom walking is not an option ? What message is sent ? That wheelchairs suck and if you can shed them life would be better and people would cheer . Maybe I 'd like to shed my chair , too , but then I 'd fall down or never get out of bed . P . S . For the record I don 't want her to see this blog because it seems I am harshing on a child . It is cool she graduated despite her disability and all . Her classmates ought to have cheered like hell . I just dislike trying so hard to be able - bodied . God , what is wrong with me ? A friend of mine sent out an e - mail and wrote a blog post about NPR streaming the new album by Gaslight Anthem . Even though I had heard of the band in reference to Bruce Springsteen , I had not heard their music before , so I listened . And I realized why my musical preferences only run through 1995 . The songs of my youth have been hammered into my brain , so I know that Springsteen does not mention the devil when he sings " Tenth Avenue Freeze Out . " I just can 't hear the lyrics . Even some of Springsteen 's later songs fall into the " Yabba dabba do " category , I am embarrassed to say . I was asleep out on my chaise lounge when the guests arrived for my niece 's seventh birthday party . Apparently , though , Claren and I were a hit . Mostly her , I imagine . Parts of me really want to go . I had never even considered being able to help veterans and this would give me that chance . I love talking about service dogs and CCI . I like helping people . But . . . I am terrified . A friend of mine who raises service dogs told me stories of taking her dog to Walter Reed . The stories were about these young men and women trying to put their live back together without arms or legs or whatever and just the stories made me cry . I worked with the Navy one summer in college but that was another lifetime , one where I could walk and hear . I have had no interaction with military folk since really . Kids love Claren , and are impressed by the things she does , but this would be real life with vets , although they are probably just kids , too , which makes it worse . I know Claren would be fine . But I am not sure I would be . I am also not sure if that is a good reason not to do it . I wish that the damage I routinely inflict on my wheelchair was some kind of conscious or unconscious rebellion against the POS machine . I know , however , that the many breaks are 95 % the result of bad reaction time and just plain clumsiness . ( I know that I am dooming myself to never be allowed to use a riding mower . ) Maybe 5 % is due to the chair 's shittiness . Well , maybe 10 % , it really is so poorly designed . A friend of mine and I decided that when you are bitter , you have two options . You can be mean and angry bitter , which begets pity . Or you can be a funny bitter , which inspires laughter , maybe empathy and even learning . It is a very fine line between the two . I asked my favorite visual artist I am related to to illustrate this . She did an awesome job . It is quite a task . I am definitely bitter . I hope I am funny . I am a 45 - year - old with Friedreich 's ataxia , a genetic disorder that slowly robs you of your coordination and muscle control . I use a wheelchair all the time . And I write .
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And as promised , here are photos from the production . . . Alice with her Tutor , Mrs . Talon Falling Down the Rabbit Hole The Hall of DoorsGrowing / Shrinking " The table is too tall ! " The Wet Creatures . . . building the puppets was one of my favorite parts of this production ! " The floor is open for suggestions ! " " Ahh ! ! " Alice , huge in the White Rabbit 's HouseAfter she 's returned to " normal " size The other three puppets ( Noodle , Spike and Bill ) The Cheshire Cat , The Duchess , Alice and The cookThe two " stars " of the show . . . Tater as Pig Baby The Cheshire Cat under her blacklight Mad Hatter and the Dormouse The Tea Party sceneAlice with the Gryphon and the Mock Turtle The Queen , King and White Rabbit at CourtThe Court Scene . . . unfortunately to get everyone it had to be a wide shot . There are 23 actors and seven puppets on stage . And there you have it . . . Adams State College 's production of Alice 's Adventures in Wonderland as seen through photos . Here is a sneak peak at a few of the costumes from the show . Tater and I posed with these cast members on Sunday at the Alumni matinee . The Alumni office sets up a picture taking / reception area in our X - Box theatre where the children who come can get their picture taken with the cast . There was time at the end so Tater and I snuck into a picture too ! We are taking our archive photos this afternoon so I should hopefully be able to post more once I get those from the photographer . And in other news . . . in just four days there will be exactly two months until Mr . Wesley 's due date ! That seems like almost no time and also like an eternity ! In the last week or so I have started to feel pregnant . By that I mean the pregnant that people talk about . . . it 's harder to get up and down from the sofa . It 's almost impossible to bend at the waist . It 's a little bit of a challenge to get my shoes tied , etc . . . I look forward to seeing my belly ( and therefore my baby ) grow over the next two months ! I know I haven 't blogged much about Alice ( or anything for that matter ) . I have been pretty darn ill and that coupled with rehearsals that make getting home before 11pm ( and a few nights midnight ) impossible this last week blogging has been low on the priority list . But . . . It 's OPENING NIGHT ! We are ready . The students are ready for a receptive audience and I 'm ready to have a rest ! : ) I 'll hopefully get some photos soon ( if nothing else I 'll have them from our archive session mid - week next week ) that I can post . The show looks great . We have ten performances over the next 10 days so the Alice 's Adventures in Wonderland race isn 't over . . . but at least we can see the finish line ! And after all , if it is a " caucus " race , well then all have already won ! Happy thanksgiving bloggy - land and blog readers ! Reid and I are staying here in Colorado for the holiday . That is in part because I only have Wednesday - Friday off of school which would make for a really hurried trip back to Indiana and also because I need to spend most of Friday and Saturday in the costume shop working on costumes ( there is still MUCH to be done ) . Then Sunday is our cue - to - cue and tech rehearsals for Alice . Today Reid and I spent a good portion of the day cleaning our downstairs ( the upstairs will have to be another day . . . or probably another weekend ! ) . It has been so long that I forgot how much more comforting a clean house is than a messy one . Of course , we only cleaned because we have people coming over tomorrow for Thanksgiving dinner . Sometimes giving ourselves outside motivators really does help ! Our pumpkin pies are currently baking . Tomorrow I have put Reid in charge of the turkey and mashed potatoes . I 'm tackling the easy stuffing and gravy ! And then tomorrow evening it will be time to put up our Christmas tree ! Hooray ! This will be Winston 's first Christmas with us . . . so we will definitely be watching him like a hawk with the tree . In other news , I have been battling ( unsuccessfully ) a cold / cough for almost two weeks now . I finally broke down and called my midwife on Monday who kindly called me in a prescription ( after hours ! ) for a cough medicine with codeine in it . I still am coughing badly throughout the day but at least I 'm getting good sleep at night . I still wake up many times to pee or change positions but with the codeine haze I can get back to sleep pretty quickly ( as opposed to without it where I laid awake for two separate hours Sunday into Monday night coughing ) . If it hasn 't lessened by Friday morning ( and honestly I see no reason why it will ) I 'll be calling to see if my midwife is in the office as I think it might have moved from just a cough to a respiratory infection . . . and goodness knows with Alice opening in a week and a half there is no time for one of those ! Anyway , hapPosted by A quick post with a few things about pregnancy that I don 't want to forget . - Yesterday morning I laid in bed awake for half an hour . Wesley moved about once every two minutes for the entire time . Sometimes it was a slow roll and sometimes a quick jab outwards . He was laying across me so I had movement mainly in my lower left abdomen and in my upper right side ( just below my ribs ) . And of course , as soon as I grabbed Reid 's hand and placed it there Wesley stopped . . . and didn 't kick / move again for the next ten minutes . We have a stubborn son already . - No one prepares you for just how much you can feel the stretching / growing of your body . I literally feel my pelvis muscles stretching with every step I take . Sometimes , especially after I 've eaten or when I 'm driving in the car and therefore forced into a specific space , I feel the skin and muscles over the top of my stomach stretching . Sometimes it makes me feel like there is simply no room for my lungs in there , I assume when he is riding really high . Then a minute later I can breath just fine . . . and the stretching down below sets in again ( as he moves back down ) . And yes , I know . . . it 's only going to get worse but that doesn 't really matter right now . . . right now it can be pretty intense . - As of tomorrow I am officially in my third trimester . I have to admit , I get teary just thinking about meeting my son . . . boy am I going to be a mess by February ! So . . . I realize that I have been a really horribly blogger the last month or two . Quite frankly I 'm just too busy during the day . . . and the evenings to do much blogging . Alice 's Adventures in Wonderland started rehearsals three weeks ago . We have one more full week of rehearsals . Then a couple of days until Thanksgiving Break . . . . we come back from break with two tech rehearsals on the sunday after Thanksgiving and then it is tech and dress rehearsals all the way through to the performances . We have ten performances in ten days . It should be a hectic time and there is a LOT of tech to plug in between now and when we open . But it will all get done . On the baby front , I had my 27 week appointment this past Thursday . As of this coming thursday I will be officially in my third trimester . This trimester has gone really well and it has gone by really quickly . With luck that is how the third trimester will go as well . At my appointment my blood pressure was still in an acceptable range . I gained four pounds this past month , also acceptable . I did have protein in my urine for the second consecutive appointment ( sorry if that is TMI but I have to put it here or I may not remember it later ! ) . But since my blood pressure was okay she is going to let it go and we 'll check again next appointment . My next appointment will be in three weeks , the day before Alice opens ! Wesley has been verily active . He kicks / pushes / head butts a fair amount . His two favorite spots to do so are on my right side just below my rib cage and straight downward onto my cervix ( again , too much info ? ? sorry ) . We have a phrase in my family when you go over a bump in the car that makes your stomach lurch . We call it a " wee daddy bump . " Well . . . when Wes kicks downwards like that it is the strongest wee daddy bump I 've ever fellt . . . and unlike when I 'm in the car I have no advanced warning as to when it is coming . Certainly a strange sensation , especially when I 'm teaching or in a meeting ! Otherwise , life is good . Reid is plugging away at work . He just had theirPosted by Yesterday while sitting at my desk between work study and rehearsal I was ( literally ) struck by a strange sensation . It felt a little like my breastbone was jumping , once every couple of seconds . It went on for about fifteen / twenty times and then stopped . After the third or fourth I realized that it was obviously not me but somebody inside of me . I am still not sure whether it was kicking or hiccups . Everyone says that hiccups are light tickling . This was definitely not that . It was like someone was knocking for admittance on my sternum . But he has never kicked that many times in one place either . So , the jury is still out . I 'm betting kicks . But I 'll just have to wait and see ( assuming of course that there will be more hiccuping instances to compare to ) . What do you think ? Hiccups or kicks ? It has started . I cast the show two Sundays ago . We had our read - through on Monday and have spent the last two afternoons blocking act one . By the end of this week we will have blocked the whole show . The cast is doing well . . . my Alice is doing great ( especially as she is currently in the student shows that opened last night and thus is doing my rehearsals in the afternoon , the other play in the evening and somehow still managing her classes and a little bit of work study ! ) . . . And I tossed and turned for most of last night . If I can get through costuming Alice AND directing it . . . I will deserve to sit and do nothing over the holiday break ! And mom . . . I do still need fur . . . It snowed yesterday . . . almost all day . We had about four inches of snow by the time it was all said and done . It 's still on the ground today , only because the sun hasn 't managed to break through the clouds yet . . . . but this weekend is supposed to be in the upper fifties to lower sixties so it will all be gone by then . It 's a good reminder that the holidays are on their way ! I had my 22 week check up this week and overall things are going very well . In bullet format : My blood pressure is still behaving itself . Hooray ! I have gained a bit more weight than perhaps I should have by this point . Jayne didn 't exactly put it like that but she did say " 8 pounds since your last appointment ? That 's kind of a lot , don 't you think ? " Couldn 't have anything to do with the incredibly yummy cake and dips I ate all weekend long or my recent propensity for brownie sundaes could it ? Ah well . . . I guess I have to give up having ice cream EVERY night for awhile . At my next appointment ( which will be 26 weeks ) I get to take the oh - so - fun glucose test . Let 's hope , hope , hope that comes back fine . Gestational diabetes is not something I want to deal with . . . Everything on our ultrasound came back normal . He 's growing and measuring the way he 's supposed to and all of his organs are developing correctly . I had assumed that was the case as no one had called us to schedule more test . . . but it 's still nice to officially hear . The ultrasound measurements put our due date at 2 / 09 . . . for those who aren 't keeping track , we 've now had Feb . 3 , 9 and 13 as due dates . Or as Jayne put it , we 're just " all over the map . " Since the 10 week ultrasound is supposed to be the most accurate in terms of measurement we 're officially sticking with 2 / 13 . However , Jayne agreed that he could really come any time after Martin Luther King Jr . Day ( 1 / 18 / 2010 and thus one month prior to the latest possible due date ) and that would be fine . Do you hear that Wesley ? You must stay baking until at least 1 / 18 / 2010 ! I am quickly nearing less than a hundred days left ( to the last possible due date ) . . . got to admit I 'm getting excited ! I 'm back in Colorado . The trip back on Sunday was long . . . I took the really early flight as a means of getting back home at a decent hour . It was good except that I didn 't make the connection that by having to get up at 4 : 30am Indiana time to make it to the airport , that was 2 : 30am Colorado time . So by 7pm I was exhausted ! But I did manage to stop on the front range at both JoAnn Fabric and Babies R ' US on the way home , two stores I don 't get to visit often . My shower was lovely . I took all of two pictures , both of which were of the cake before the party started . It was an adorable cake but I hope that my mom or my mother in law , both of whom had cameras , might be willing to post their pictures at flicker or somewhere so that I can see them ! : ) I got to see lots of people I haven 't seen in a long time ( living this far away makes it hard to keep up with family and friends ) but of course it all went by much too quickly . Thank you again to Jamie and Karen and the grandmas for making such a warm and fun afternoon ! And now I 'm back and getting into the groove of things once again . I have several student rehearsals to go to this week in the evenings . I have organized a field trip for about 20 theatre majors to a theatre production in Santa Fe this coming Saturday . And then of course my auditions for Alice 's Adventures in Wonderland are on Sunday ! Busy , busy week . . . After a longish day of travel and a fear that I was going to be bumped from my flight ( note to self - that check in at home BEFORE you leave for the airport is apparently now a requirement ) , I am in Indy . My parents ' house ( which is currently on the market ) looks great ! And in just a few minutes friends are coming over and my mother , friends and I are going to go do some retail therapy ! Have a great weekend ! Tomorrow morning I will rise and shine bright and early so as to drive myself the 4 hours to Denver International Airport , where I will climb on a plane and fly to Indy ! I 've decided to take Wesley along with me . . . and guess what ? He gets to fly for free ! Hooray . My very generous good friend Jamie is hosting a baby shower for me on Saturday which means I 'll get to see lots of extended family from both Reid and I 's sides , some of whom I haven 't seen in quite awhile . Friday is my day to buy some of the maternity stuff that I need that I can 't buy in the Valley ( yey for having three clothing retailers in the whole Valley ! ) and hopefully checking out a fabric store or two for costume preparation for Alice ( I plan to stock up on dye since there again is limited selection here in the Valley and possibly fake fur as that is non - exsistent in the Valley ) . Then Friday afternoon / evening is hanging out with family and friends . It 's going to be a quick blur of a trip but it will be nice to see everyone and a great break from school . . . then I get back and have one week until I plunge into Alice 's Adventures in Wonderland auditions ! Yikes . . . where is this fall going ? After much talk and hashing ( and rehashing ) , Reid and I have settled on a name . . . our son will be known as : Wesley Isaiah ( and probably called Wes by most people ) It 's oldey - timey without being totally out of fashion . It has been on the top 100 boy 's baby name list for years but it has not broken the top 50 in all of the time I looked . It is not what we started with but I definitely like it . It 's so exciting to call him by a name . Just 19 more weeks until our due date ! Well , Dad asked in the comments how this is all feeling now that we are 24 hours out from our ultrasound . I would say that it is just beginning to sink in that I am going to have a son ( the word still seems a little odd having been raised with only a sister ) . I am now catching myself before I add the " or she " to " he or she " since now we know . . . Reid and I worked on baby names , narrowing our list tonight . We 'll let you know when we make a decision ! : ) And I am amazed at how quickly I have gone from thinking that maybe I am feeling the baby move to being certain of the movement . I am now feeling two distinct types of baby . The first is what I would call the " baby constant . " This is when , I 'm assuming , he is stretching those long legs out like he was in the photo below and I have a sensation along one side or the other that last anywhere from a second to five or six . The second is the " baby sporatic . " These are all of the other tiny little movements that are there and then gone almost before I notice them . . . And I am definitely feeling a little bit bigger each day ! I 'll have Reid take a picture tomorrow and I 'll do an updated belly post ( anybody know how to permanently embed a post along the side so that I could update it periodically and there would always be a link there ? Let me know if you know , would ya ? ) . In other news , I have a lot of grading to do this weekend . I put it off this week but don 't think I can any longer . Blick ! Grading is by far the worst part of teaching . . . Also , I travel back to Indy in just two weeks time ! Hooray ! Sandy and Oz ( Reid 's surrogate aunt and uncle ) have been so generous with baby gifts already ( your thank you card and more is coming ! ) and today we received a humongous box with our crib , changing table and dresser in it ! The box is so big that we can 't actually carry it in from the garage . . . so , we 'll be assembling some furniture in the next few days to get the box out of the garage ( aka Reid 's workshop ) . . . and because I 'm impatient now that I have it ! It seems a little early to be doingPosted by We had our 20 week ultrasound this morning ! And though the tech could not officially tell us that everything is fine ( the doctor has to look at the measurements and interpret the pictures for that ) she seemed to think that off the record everything is exactly as it should be . What a relief ! And yes , we did find out the gender . . . so , I 'll turn it over to the baby for introductions . . . The littlest Mr . Neilsen wanted to say hello . . . but he was too busy sucking on his thumb ! I might be a little biased but I think his profile is down right adorable . The ornery little guy had his legs straight out ( rather than folded in ) almost the entire time . . . news flash to him , he 's going to keep getting bigger and the room is going to feel like it 's getting much smaller ! At some point , those knees are going to have to bend ! ( the feet are to the right , knees in the middle ) And this picture is proof positive . . . there is a little boy in there ! Won 't he love that I posted this picture when he 's twelve ? : ) Oh look ! He is waving hello after all ! We 're halfway there ( 20 out of the 40 weeks ) . . . so it won 't be too long until we get to see those little fingers in person ! Well , I am now 19 weeks pregnant and according to BabyCenter he or she is roughly the size of an heirloom tomato ( or 6 " head to rump ) and weighs about 8 1 / 2 oz ( slowly approaching the poud mark . . . slowly ) . I am definitely feeling rounder than I was last week though I 'm not sure a picture would back that up . It 's a little bit harder to bend forward at the waist and my abdomen feels firmer . The big development of the week though is that I " think " I am starting to feel movement . There is definitely something happening in very brief spurts that is not the unpleasant or sharp stabbing of ligament pain ( which I have had for the last couple of weeks at odd intervals ) and I suppose it could possibly feel like the fluttering that the nurse and the books have described . Most of the time by the time I register that it is happening and turn my attention to it , it is gone . I 'm assuming that over the next few weeks if these sensations are indeed the baby they will become more and more pronounced and thus easier for me to identify as him / her and not me ! Apparently movement has been on my mind because in the middle of the night I woke up from a dream where I was certain I felt the baby move and it really did take me a moment to distinguish dream from reality . And one week from yesterday I 'll ( hopefully ) be able to quit referring to the baby as him / her ( it is getting old much too quickly ) and will be able to use the one appropriate pronoun . Today Reid and I went to a joint birthday party for a one year old and a three year old of some of my colleagues . We took the dogs along and they had a good time getting lots of pets from the children and eating all of the dropped fruit from the fruit basket ! Tomorrow I will be attending the first Adams State theatre auditions of the season . I 'm the senior thesis advisor for the student shows that are auditioning tomorrow . I am excited for them and excited to see our freshman audition ! I know I haven 't really mentioned school here lately ( my how times change hunh ? ) but we are three weeks into our fall schedule and school is going well . I love our students and love my job . This semester has definitely been a little easier than the last two years in that I 'm teaching all classes that I 've taught before ( except one special topics improv class ) . That means a lot less stressful final moments when I 'm trying to figure out what should and shouldn 't be included in a lesson plan . Of course I tweak and revise classes every semester , but that is not nearly the work of creating a new course from scratch . . . which is good because I do have to admit that I 'm a little distracted lately ! Baby is definitely taking a fair share of my attention ( and he or she is not here yet ! ) . I am also gearing up for Alice in Wonderland which I am directing and costume designing at the end of the semester . I know that it will be a crazy rat race to the end . . . so I 'm enjoying the down time now . . . and building puppets that will be in the show ! I built the head of the first one on Friday . As we get them completed I will definitely take pictures to share . And this weekend I am also working on my retention folder ( blick ) which has to be turned in Tuesday . It is never a fun job to reflect on the past year , what went well and what didn 't . I feel with the retention folders you have to walk the tight rope of " I 'm such a great teacher you really can 't afford not to have me " and " I 'm humble and still have a lot to learn . " To say that I will be glad when it isPosted by And all is well ( says the town crier ) . I had my 18 week check up this morning . My blood pressure is still behaving itself ( hooray ! The biggest worry of the pregnancy so far ) . So , at this point I will continue to be the " salt nazi " and the dogs will continue to enjoy their at least one , usually two , walk ( s ) each day . Otherwise , my weight gain is fine . I 've been okayed for the plane ride back to Indy the second weekend of October . And the baby 's heartbeat is thumping away ! Two weeks ( from today ! ) we find out the gender of the baby ( hopefully . . . if the baby is cooperating ) . I just added a poll over on the right side . . . boy or girl ? ? Our anatomy ultrasound is schedule for September 24 . We will hopefully find out then ! So . . . the poll is opening until the morning of 9 / 24 . I haven 't been very good about writing down my pregnancy experiences . I guess the reality of it being every day has set in and a little bit ( just a little bit ) of the novelty has worn off . I think I was also a little worried about writing too much or getting too excited early on . . . but as we are nearing the halfway point ( only a month to go ) the reality and excitement of what is happening is starting to set in . I am now in my 16th week of pregnancy . The baby is approximately the size of an avocado ( 4 1 / 2 inches head to rump and weighs about 3 1 / 2 oz ) . However , by the time I get to 20 weeks . . . he or she will double in size ! Which most likely means that the stage I 'm in right now with my clothes ( where I need to wear maternity pants ' cause all of my pants aren 't comfortable but the maternity shirts seem premature ) will be over soon and hopefully my " little bump " will be apparent to all . All of my students know . . . because quite frankly the only thing more gossipy than theatre students is theatre faculty ! Just kidding . . . they have all been really great . What a fabulous place for me to work . My early pregnancy symptoms have all dissappeared . No more nauseau . I 'm still more tired than pre - pregnancy but definitely not as tired as I was for most of the summer ( thank goodness ! ) . I am hungry all of the time ! But after a recent scare with my blood pressure being too high ( which luckily the most recent time tested back in the levels it should be ) I have been eating very healthily , and watching my sodium intake like a hawk . The dogs also like mommy 's BP being high because it means at least one if not two walks a day for them ! I have gained somewhere between 7 and 10 lbs ( since I 'm not exactly sure what I weighed pre - pregnancy ) which is right in line with what I should have gained by now ( according to the " authorities " on such matters ) . Hopefully , I 'll be able to stay comfortably within that range . I borrowed a home doppler from my sister while I was in LA and I have to admit it has been wonderful ! Reid might classify me as a dopplJenna With some items . This has definitely been a learning year for me . Perhaps the biggest lesson . . . don 't plant when you 're angry . I got mad that most of the plants I transplanted this past spring from inside the house to outside died . So one rainy cold afternoon I went out and mounded a whole bunch of dirt and stuck in a whole bunch of zucchini and squash seeds . Oh yes I did . And everyone of them thrived . Meaning we have SO MANY ZUCCHINIS AND SQUASH that we could never possibly use them all / save them all / give them all away . But we 're trying our hardest . I 've also learned to plant my rows of root vegetables ( carrots and beets ) thinner . I pulled so many seedlings out because they were just too close together and am still having carrots growing interwined with one another . Also , one packag of carrot seeds is probably more than enough for us ( I planted two ) . Ditto with the beets ( though at least beets are easy to pickle and save for later ) . My cucumber plants did nothing . They definitely did not thrive . The pumpkins are doing well and so long as there isn 't a terrible frost in the next few weeks , we should have five or six pumpkins off two plants . Our tomato plants have many fruits . . . and all of them are still green . Some have been like that for a month now . We think it gets too cold at night for them to ripen . Same thing with our pepper plants ( they are supposed to be yellow and red peppers . . . and they 're all still green ) . And you can only make so many fried green tomatoes . And finally our snow peas were doing really well for a little while . . . and have now mostly shrivelled and gone to seed . Our lettuce and spinach did very well . . . and those are both seeding now as well . And that 's our garden ! Live and learn ( and be thankful I 'm not actually trying to support my family on this 25 square foot space ) . Mesa Verde ! I had been to Mesa Verde once when I was little but honestly besides the ladders I didn 't remember much . . . and WOW ! Is there a lot to remember ! These are the ladders I remembered ! We got up early Saturday morning and were at the park shortly after it opened . We first went to the Visitors Center ( like the newspaper guide they give you told us to ) and there we booked tickets for two tours . The first was Balcony House and the second was Cliff Palace . We drove to the head of the first and waited for our guide . Balcony House is definitely a smaller site than Cliff Palace but you go inside the dwellings a little bit which is pretty fantastic ( considering they were built 800 years ago ) ! Our tour guide was alright on the Balcony House but not great . . . but the pictures were definitely worth it . The balconies that " Balcony House " is named for . . . This is a Kiva , an underground spiritual / ceremonial room that also perhaps functioned as a living area during the cold months . Complete with some great areas of engineering . Me in Balcony House ! This is the tight tunnel you had to go through to get out of Balcony House . Reid and I half jokingly said they should have a mock up at the start of the tour like they do at airports ( " you can not go on this tour if you do not fit in this box " ) . It was pretty tight . Cliff Palace is simply visually amazing . I can 't imagine being one of the two cowboys who found the site in the 1880s when they were simply riding up the canyon below . Can you imagine ? ? Just riding along , look up to your right and you see this ! Incredible . . . " Look Bob ! Where do you expect that came from ? " I liked our Cliff Palace guide quite a bit . One of the great things he did was that he regularly made comparisons between the people living in the dwellings we were investigating and Europeans of the same time period . He commented that their average life expectancies and infant mortality rates were about the same . I think that 's important as the native people of America tend to be labeled " primitive . " But looking at the dwPosted by We got up Thursday , packed up our campsite and " got on the road . " We drove from the middle of the Grand Canyon National Park to the east end and stopped to have breakfast at the little cafe near the Watchtower before we drove into the wilds of the south west . It is amazing how long the Grand Canyon is . . . even after leaving the park you drive for miles before you can turn north . And turn north we did . We got to Page , AZ ( where Lake Powell and a whole bunch of other stuff is ) about 1pm . I desperately wanted to take a shower and lay down for just a little bit , but alas our hotel wouldn 't let us check in until the designated 3pm check - in time . So . . . we drove over to the strip mall where the visitor 's center is located , ate a quick lunch and got information about several things to do . The coolest looking thing to do ( Antelope Canyon . . . they are amazing , well photographed slot canyons in a nearby mesa ) cost over thirty dollars a person because they are on Navajo land and you have to be escorted by a guide . . . yeah , we weren 't digging paying that much this far along in our trip . So , we chose to drive back south just a few miles from town to go the Horseshoe Bend look - out . It 's a place in the Colorado River that literally does a horseshoe bend on itself . . . over 1000 feet below you . And there are no rails or fences to keep you from seeing the horseshoe bend up close and personal . I snuck as far out as I dared , took one picture and then went and sat in what little shade I could find . Reid wandered around it a little bit , took some more pictures and then proved that being thirty is not too old to be a " little boy " at heart . . . . Isn 't the bend amazing ? It certainly made my palms sweat a little standing that close to the edge though . . . A raven who was also hot . . . Me in the tiny bit of shade I could find . . . the Grand Canyon had worn me out ! Reid . . . standing on the shady spot . And yes , of course , it was the highest point around . The gorge of the Colorado River behind us . By the time we got done at the look - out it was 3pm . We picked uPosted by The Grand Canyon ! This was my first trip to the Canyon . Reid had been there before but he hadn 't ever hiked down into it . We left Vegas late - ish in the morning , drove the four and a half hours to Camp Mather Campground ( which is within the Grand Canyon National Park on the southern rim ) , crossing over the Hoover Dam to do so . The Hoover Dam . . . there is a lot of construction all around . We checked into our campsite , pitched our tent , bought some firewood and some more ice and enjoyed sitting next to a campfire ( complete with a s ' more ! ) . . . We were able to swap some of our favorite camping memories and campfire stories . Reid setting up our domicile . With a s ' more in your hand this is perfect ! Yeah . . . Reid and I are definitely more Grand Canyon people than we are Vegas people ! To say that sleeping in a tent at three months pregnant was comfortable was a stretch . But I slept alright . The worst part really was that we had brought our mummy bags which were too warm to zip up . . . but if I left it unzipped I couldn 't sleep on my side with my supportive pillows without either my butt or my knees hanging out and getting cold . Luckily the second night we grabbed some of the polar fleece that I had bought in the fabric district . . . and that problem was remedied ! Tuesday morning we got up , ate breakfast and were on the tram bus by 8 : 30 . We took the bus out to the farthest east you can go ( Yaki Point ) and then walked a little trail along the rim back west to the South Kaibab Trail . Our first view of the Canyon . . . it was hazy in the morning , apparently because of several fires on the North Rim . Luckily it cleared up as the day went on . I love this picture . . . Look how tiny Reid is . . . and how big the hole in the ground is ! There are two main trails on the south rim that go all the way from the top of the canyon to the river . Kaibab is the shorter but steeper of the two . I chose it because I figured it would be a little less busy than the other trail and I think I was probably right ! The top of the South Kaibab Trail . . . not too many people bPosted by
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This past weekend was one day too long . Normally , I really like a three day weekend . I like the freedom of no set schedule , especially in the cold winter months . It 's an easy excuse to stay in , wrap up tight in blankets , and watch movies . I always feel guilty being indoors when the sun is out . But when the temperature dips below 30 degrees , the guilt vanishes . This weekend was long though . All the girls were really starting to get on my nerves , and so was David . I love them , I do , but by day 3 I am kind of done . I like to get up and have my coffee , and sit and check email etc . . and when he is here , guess who is sitting in my usual coffee drinking , email checking , spot ? You guessed it . And I have to wait my turn . I do try and hide my irritation , but after a while , I just sort of give up . Money is in real short supplies this week , and a few things , which I won 't bore you about here , reared their ugly heads this weekend , and caused my stress level to go beyond it 's usual simmer , to an all out boil over . I simply felt consumed with worry and stress . I found every conversation between the girls and I , was them talking , and me half listening . David was stressed as well , and when we both are in similar mindsets , it just never really works . We have never come together during stress . Instead , we separate . Believe me , I know this is awful . " In good times and bad " , right ? But it isn 't always that easy . To get my mind off of things , I threw myself into making a turkey dinner Sunday night . David had gotten a free turkey at Christmas time at work . It had been sitting in the freezer , and I pulled it out last week , envisioning a cozy Sunday night turkey dinner , complete with all the trimmings . It all was going along smoothly , actually . I had made my own stuffing , and mashed potatoes . The gravy was almost done , and the broccoli was roasting in the oven . I was even spooning the cranberry sauce into a bowl , when David started cleaning the roasting pan . When he went to put it back on it 's shelf , beneath our butcher block , there was an incredible crash . I knew what it was before I even turned around . Sharing that shelf with the roasting pan , were a stack of bowls that I loved , nestled into a wooden salad bowl . One of those bowls was my Nanny 's glass Pyrex bowl . I loved that bowl . After she had died , I took it from her house before it was emptied . The house had been sold , and whatever was left that my Mom and her sister didn 't remove , was garbage . The bowl was scratched . You could tell it was an electric mixer that had left the damage , most likely preparing the chocolate mousse Nanny brought to every holiday , no matter if my mom insisted her not bring a thing . She always brought it along . I can still see her walking up the brick walk to the door , cigarette dangling from her lips , and glasses on the end of her nose , cStress can really get to you . It can turn the minutia of the day , into a fever pitch that it doesn 't need to be . That one accident caused me to snap . I was mad . I was tired of set back after set back , after working so hard , and once again , moving three steps back . It wasn 't the bowl . And the dinner wasn 't all that great . It was everything coming back to me in a rush , and there it was , piled on the kitchen floor in a jagged heap . Some days , doing something normal , and trying to push worries aside to just enjoy a Sunday meal can prove futile . Some days , all it takes is Nanny 's chocolate mousse bowl to turn to dust on the floor , to snap you back into your worries . After dinner , Molly climbed up on my lap , and cupped my face in her tiny hands , and said , " Are you OK Mommy ? " I smiled and said I was . In the backyard of the house I grew up in was a massive weeping willow tree . It was humongous . My Mom said she planted it when they first moved into the house , but I never quite believed her , because it seemed like it had been there for a hundred years . To my 5 year old eyes it seemed gigantic . The trunk of the tree was really wide . I remember the roots were so long , and spread out beneath the tree far into the yard , because I had memorized where not to run when playing on the grass . Too many trips and falls from knobs of wood protruding out of the ground made for quick lessons . The trunk divided into two smaller trunks , almost making a perfect Y . It was in this Y I envisioned a tree house . In my minds eye , I had the perfect yellow curtains for the small glass paned windows that I wanted there . A Dutch door was to be the entryway , and I just knew there would be enough room for my small play kitchen to be hoisted up , and placed in it , enabling me to create wonderful meals . I knew that my big sisters Girl Scout camping set would be perfect to use in the house . Durable outdoor pots and pans . My good stuff would have to stay indoors . I wanted a bucket to bring things up and down in , and really hoped we had enough extension cords to extend from the house , across the patio , through the minefield of roots , and grass , and up into the house . A lamp would make it so cozy , and maybe , I could even sleep in it . My own little house . My Dad listened to my dream , and when the words , " I 'll build you a tree house " came off of his lips , I nearly passed out . I recall a few books he took out of the library with plans in them . One of the books featured an A frame style house . In a tree ! I couldn 't believe my eyes ! This was going to be amazing . Some nights , I could hardly sleep thinking about my house . When construction began , I helped by passing nails , and quickly learned the difference between a Flathead and a Phillips head . My Dad made some sort of base . A platform of sorts . He worked really hard on it , and then he made a ladder , to get to it . I remember him cleaning up , and putting everything away , and asking me if I liked it . I also remember thinking , where were my walls , and roof , and dutch door , and double hung windows ? I climbed the ladder , and shimmied myself up onto the platform . The weeping willow branches and leaves were so long , that they dragged on the ground , and you had to part them like a curtain to get through them . I remember hearing the breeze blowing through the long weepy branches , and thought how amazing my roof was . I had a secret little hideaway , tucked into the crux of a magnificent , strong tree . My mom came out and handed me my teddy bear picnic plastic basket , complete with a bear thermos with milk in it , and a sandwich , tucked into a red and white gingham napkin . I sat under the shade of my tree and marveled at my new tree house . It wasn 't quite what I had envisioned . Last week , I had to go to the grocery store . It was Saturday , and I had to get something for dinner , and David had taken the girls to an early matinee ( the cheap one ! ) so it was just Molly and I . As we got out of the car together , and I took her hand in mine , as I always do in a parking lot , I heard across the way , a string of angry profanities . A man was yelling . Really screaming , some of the most obscene things I have ever heard . The F word was used over and over , and he was screaming what an awful " Fu @%*&^ Bit % ! * " someone was . I couldn 't believe what I was hearing . I was appalled . I thought he was yelling at another man , as I saw another person standing a bit away from the car . It was as if he was giving the man who was screaming some space . I then thought that he could be possibly yelling at a woman , maybe his wife or girlfriend . I shuddered to think of any person , saying what I was hearing , to another . It was unreal . I hurried Molly along , and spoke louder , and pointed out things to her , so she wouldn 't hear the obscenities . It was then , as I neared the car , I saw who this " man " was yelling at . It was a small boy . No older than my Molly , who will proudly tell you she is 3 1 / 2 . ( That 1 / 2 is huge you know . ) This man was shouting words to a child that no grown adult should ever have to endure . But here it was happening , right in the parking lot of ShopRite . My first impulse was to cross the street and stop him . Maybe appeal to him that he needed to cool down , and walk away from the small boy , and think about what he was saying . But I glanced at the other man , who was clearly with them , and he quickly caught my gaze , and just as fast , looked away . My heart was pounding . I thought that this crazy man sounded like he was escalating , and he was going to hit the boy . I knew that if he laid a hand on him , I would call the police . So , I walked just a bit slower , watching carefully to make sure he didn 't put his hands on the boy . His screams were so loud , and so scary , even to me . I can 't imagine how scary it sounded for that poor little guy . I thought to myself that if this is how the man behaves in public , and apparently speaks to children , what must he be like in the privacy of his home . What I did next has haunted me this entire week . I keep going over it in my mind , and I don 't think that I had many options . I do thank God David wasn 't with me , because I know for a fact the outcome would have been very different . He would have made a beeline across the street , and I know what would have happened after that . What I did was nothing . I scooped Molly up , and hurried out of the frigid air , and " minded my own business " . I thought that if I called 911 , what could be done ? Could he be arrested for cursing and screaming at a child ? I also was frightened of this monster of a man , and his " friend " . What could I , along with my own small child in tow , have done ? I was too scared to speak up for the small boy . Me , the adult , let it happen . I saw them a bit later , as I was choosing pears . The two men were being loud , laughing , and joking around with one another , as if nothing had just taken place moments before . I wanted to say something . I felt compelled to throw the fruit at him . I wanted to tell him that I heard every despicable word he had said . I looked at the small little boy , sitting up straight in the front of the cart , and I wanted to ask him if he was OK . But I didn 't . I didn 't do anything , but hug Molly tight , and whisper to her that I loved her . The feeling of failing that little boy has still not left me . Posted by David brought up all of the boxes from the basement , that hold all of our Christmas decorations . Back into the boxes they will all go , until next year . Getting the lights off the tree and pushing the drying beast out the sliding glass door , onto the deck , where it will sit , and ice over , for probably a week , until we dispose of it , or chop it up , and burn it next summer in our chiminea ought to take up a good portion of my afternoon today . The needles left everywhere will also have me vacuuming most of the day , as well as the glitter , and confetti left over from New Years Eve . Normally I vacuum my floors every other day , if not every day . With everyone home for the last week , and kids dressing and undressing from playing in the snow , and the holidays , with all of it 's fallout . . . my floors are not good . If you walk barefoot , sparkles , pine needles , and dust bunnies begin to stick to the bottom of your feet . If you wear socks , well . . . that 's not very pretty either . I have been keeping my shoes on . De - Christmas - ing usually leads to purging , and neatening up around these here parts . My already cluttered house looks a bit less uncluttered once all of the decorations are gone . Don 't get me wrong . . . I love the holidays , and all that they bring . This past Christmas was really nice , and I enjoyed most of it . But there is something so nice about getting " back to normal " . Even my girls were happy to wake up , eat their breakfasts , and hop on the bus . Charlotte happily woke up to a visit from the tooth fairy . . . ( thank heavens I remembered , as I was watching House Hunters much past my bedtime , and sprang into action ! ) Even Olivia said that the break was starting to confuse her . She didn 't like the schedule of no schedule . She said that the last few days , she just didn 't know what to do with herself , and was happy to return to her predictable day . ( Quite honestly , I think she got tired of me finding chores to busy her hours . ) Molly is happy too . She likes the ride to the bus stop in the morning , and seeing her sisters off . She knows that when we get home , Sesame Street is still on , and it is time for her breakfast . She likes her bagel with cream cheese , but I have begun to realize that it is only the cream cheese she likes , and the bagel is just a vehicle to get it into her mouth . Today , she will help me clean up around here . Just her and I . She will interrogate me about what I am cooking for dinner . She starts to miss her sisters after lunch , and normally asks when it is time to go get them from the bus stop . We have our own little daily grind here , she and I . I know it won 't be like this forever , and although some days , the predictability of it bores me , and the household chores makes me feel like I am running in a hamster wheel , I also know I will long for it when it inevitably morphs into something else . Nothing remains the same . It is all ever changing . Years of ornaments will go back into the dark basement , joined by new additions from this season , to our ever growing collection , representing years gone by . Like the rings of a tree , slowly moving and changing . Daily life , has such a false sense of permanence . Some days , it feels like we are at a stand still , going nowhere . I am a wife , mother , daughter , sister , friend , and aspiring artist and writer . I used to work in the fashion industry in NYC , and relocated to Pennsylvania after marrying my true love and starting a family . We are happy , and broke . This blog has morphed into a weekly newspaper column . Specifically , my Wednesday posts . So if you want to avoid my weekly " rant to the man " , don 't read on Wednesdays . I do thank you for reading at all , though !
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What I 'm Reading Right Now ! is . . . Same ol ' same ol ' . Not much excitement because I 'm reading exactly the same books I was reading last week . I have made absolutely no progress in this book . In general , I suck at reading two books at a time , which could be why I haven 't gotten any farther in this . I 'm also not loving this like I loved the first Katie McGarry book I read . The main character Emily hasn 't been my favorite , and it 's been a little difficult to understand her mindset . If I don 't finish this before it 's due back to the library , I 'll just check it out again . No big deal . I 've been concentrating on reading this one more than Nowhere But Here . I 'm enjoying this . It 's definitely a slow moving read . I am sometimes a little iffy when it comes to books that want to play around with history . So , the facts about Lizzie Borden and how she is portrayed in this book , I 'm taking as worth a grain of salt . But it 's getting kind of mysterious and creepy . All this build up to whatever the monster is . Yes it 's just a novella , but I still read something . Love this series and really enjoyed this novella . It was about my favorite criminal , Jack Dandy . Celia develops a strange , throbbing bruise on her leg along with severe headaches . Celia , with the help of her friends and associates , must find the maker of this bomb and stop them before they can strike again . The fate of the world rests in the hands of a half - vampire / half - siren Celia and her gang of magical misfits . My Thoughts : A magical urban fantasy romp . Highly enjoyable and very entertaining . This is the 4th book in the Blood Singer series , and I really wish I had read the first 3 before I started this one . It is totally my own fault , but I really wish I had been caught up in the story just so I knew who was who . The plot of this story reminded me a lot of a book I had read earlier in the month which was Patient Zero by Jonathan Maberry . Just an odd sort of coincidence there . Obviously , these were two very different books , with one full of magic and the other full of Special Ops teams , but the two villains had a very similar sort of diabolical scheme . Another thing these two had in common was the tantalizing lure of zombies in the synopsis and then the stories ended up not being about a zombie apocalypse situation at all . Zombies were a weapon instead of a main part of the story , but enough about that . I really enjoyed this book . It had tons of action and was just no stress , fun reading . Don 't be a book idiot like me , and make sure to start this series from the very beginning so you don 't miss any of the fun stuff . If you like urban fantasy , then go check this series out . This week 's Top 5 Wednesday is our Top 5 Disappointing Eye Candy or books that you picked up because they looked beautiful , but they turned out to be awful . I won 't lie , I 've got a couple . They always say , don 't judge a book by its cover . Sometimes I am shallow and get tricked by a beautiful cover . * * * Splintered by A . G . Howard This wasn 't awful , it was just disappointing . It cannot be argued that that cover is pretty though . I enjoyed the first half of this book way more than the second half . It all went to crap when Alyssa got to Wonderland and met that awful moth hybrid Morpheus . I did not like him . I also didn 't enjoy this challenge the author had to make Wonderland as weird as she possibly could . It was just too weird for me . Because I love to torture myself and maybe suffer from an odd mental compulsion , I will read the rest of the books in the series just so I can know how everything turns out . The whole series really has beautiful covers though . * * * Nearly Gone by Elle Cosimano This could be argued as not really having that pretty of a cover because it 's really just part of a face and words , but the cover of this book did help draw me in . My main problem with this one was the main character . Really didn 't like her . She reminded me of one of those kids / adults that just think they are smarter and above everyone else . I thought she made stupid decisions , the biggest being not telling the cops everything she knew . I think if she had just been honest , gotten the cops involved from the very start , put all her cards on the table ; the killer would have been caught a lot sooner and less people would have ended up dead . So yeah , for being such a smarty - pants , in the end Nearly was just an idiot . * * * Nil by Lynne Matson This book disappointed me because I thought I was going to get something different from it . The synopsis reminded me so much of Lost . Teenagers taken to a mysterious island where they are given a year to escape or die . This island with so many secrets , and ability to be an awesome read . My big disappointment came from learning this was really just teenage drama , love island . Everyone was beautiful . It was love at first sight . They couldn 't contain themselves for declaring their love for one another even though they had just met . And I learned nothing of why the island was the way it was . What the whole point of the island was . Just sickening mush . And yes , I 'll probably torture myself and read the rest of the books so I can see what happens in the end . 5 . The Sin Eater 's Daughter by Melinda Salisbury My main problem with this cover and really synopsis was that it was a lie . I was drawn into this book , thinking I was getting a Shatter Me like story , and then I figured out how badly I was lied to . The main character in this book just sits and mopes in her room all the time and makes such bad decisions . I was just disappointed in this one . I wanted epicness and got more dullness . I am interested to read the next book in the series because I think it will be about different people and hopefully have a more interesting storyline . 4 . Undertow by Michael Buckley This one had a really really cool cover , but the overall story was just too weird for me and I didn 't buy it . I hated the love story because I didn 't believe it . The fish people were too weird and alien for me to even try to connect with them . I also really didn 't like how the author threw in his political views with certain characters and scenarios . I 'm reading this for a good story , not because I want to know Michael Buckley 's views on real life political candidates . Again , because I want to make myself suffer , I 'll probably one day read the other books in this series . 3 . Rook by Sharon Cameron That cover is pretty , too bad it contained a book that was too long and mega boring . The world was weird . Didn 't understand it . It 's supposed to be a book set in the future , but where the inhabitants have given up technology and live in a world that is like the time period of the French Revolution . What 's the point of that ? This book was just sooooo dull though . I felt like it would never end . 2 . The Last Princess by Galaxy Craze This one has a really interesting , colorful , pretty cover , but this one really was kind of awful . It tried to fit in every dystopian / post - apocalyptic trope it could and it ended up just being really bad . I didn 't understand why the main character did some of the things she does . I mean , she walks into the camp of the people who just tried to kill her with no real plan . Every cute woodland animal you meet in this book dies , plus beloved pets . And the twists and turns weren 't really surprising . This might be a series that I never finish because I don 't think the publisher even wanted to finish it . The second book is currently only available as an ebook , and I 'm more of a physical copy type of girl . I can honestly say that this one wasn 't very good . 1 . Reawakened by Colleen Houck I think I have the most intense feelings about this one still . I was drawn to this book because of its beautiful cover . I mean , it 's beautiful ! But man did I hate this book . I wanted to push the main character off a cliff as soon as I met her . She 's a privileged , rude , self - important snob and I don 't like her . I didn 't like how she kept trying to push herself on the main guy when he really wasn 't interested in her . I also didn 't like how our main guy pretty much attached himself like a parasite to Lily . She thought she went on this journey with him because she was special , it was really only because she was the first human he saw and he needed her life force to live . That doesn 't mean that he liked her , he was using her , and she was too much of an annoying idiot to realize it . Maybe I 'll read the sequel . I bet the cover will be just as pretty . I mean , I guess I want to know what happens next , but I know I 'm probably going to hate it too . Leaving things unfinished just bothers me more than my actual hatred for the book I guess . So that 's my Top 5 Disappointing Eye Candy ( books that looked beautiful but were awful ) . Are any of my picks on your list too ? Do you disagree with any of the books I picked ? Let me know because everyone has different opinions . If you want to join in on the Top 5 Wednesday fun , you totally should . Each Wednesday , there 's a new topic to consider and answer . Check out all the other Top 5 Wednesday - ers here ! So how about this for a Tuesday . One of my favorite shows finally came back on the air January 21 , 2016 . The 100 is back for its third season . The wait has been excruciating . So I ran to my TV Thursday night and watched the episode . I decided to share what I thought about it . This isn 't going to be a review , but rather a fan 's reaction to a favorite show . All thoughts and opinions are going to be my own . I 'm not going to go into detail or depth , or sugarcoat my true feelings because it 's unpopular opinion to some . If you don 't like what I have to say , then that 's your problem . So mean , I know . But with all the ship wars going on within The 100 community , it 's dangerous out there . I 'm not apologizing for what I think , want , or feel . My ability to ramble on astounds even me . Anyway . . . . There was a lot crammed into this first episode . After all the expectation and waiting for it to come back , I felt like I maybe overhyped myself . It was a good episode , but it was a much calmer feel than the craziness that went down in Season 2 . There were a lot of separate kind of story - lines in the Season 3 , Episode 1 . First we 've got Jaha and Murphy . At the end of Season 2 , Jaha has made his way to a mysterious mansion and met with a mysterious AI . Her name is ALI and it 's pretty clear that she had something to do with the end of the world . Murphy found himself a bunker full of crackers and booze , but then finds out its former owner created ALI , blamed himself ( and her ) for the apocalypse , and shot himself . So Season 3 opens and Jaha is still crazy . Murphy meanwhile gets sealed in the bunker for 86 days and pretty much comes close to losing his mind . On day 86 the bunker unseals itself thanks to lovely Jaha and ALI 's command . Murphy knows he has to get out of there . I 'm really loving Murphy . In the first Season , I did not like him , but he 's really grown on me since . He 's not a good guy , but maybe redeemable . I think I want him away from Jaha , cause Jaha is just off his rocker . I have no idea what this City of Light stuff is , but it sure doesn 't look like an actual place where people can be happy and safe . Then we get to the Ark . They 've called their camp / city / whatever it is Arkadia . I like it , catchy . So 3 months have gone by since Mount Weather and Clarke leaving . It looks like the adults have completely taken over , which is slightly depressing . Bellamy has kind of been regulated to a regiment commander with Monty , Jasper , Miller , Raven , and the other kids from Season 2 . I was very happy to see all of their faces . But at the same time , I kind of feel bad for everybody . First Raven , she is awesome . She 's having to deal with being disabled and it 's just so sad to see her struggle . She 's the type of person who 's independent and doesn 't want help from anyone . Also , she 's apparently not in a relationship with Wick anymore , which makes me sad . I heard rumors that something went on with the actor that played Wick and he was let go from the show . I really liked Wick and Raven together . Her being alone and hurting just makes me sad . The bromance between Jasper and Monty is also off . Jasper is in deep grief over the events at the Mountain and Maya . He 's taken to drinking and doesn 't seem to care whether he lives or dies . Monty feels guilt over his actions at the Mountain and it doesn 't help that Jasper 's constantly throwing it in his face . I want them to be best buddies again . They all did have a nice , fun scene in the tricked out vehicle though . And then Bellamy , the one I look forward to seeing most . Seeing him at the end of Season 2 , watching Clarke walk away , so many emotions . I am a Bellarke shipper . I think their chemistry is so apparent and I want one day for them to happen . So I was kind of thrown off by Bellamy 's new girlfriend . I just thought it was a strange move for the show to take . First , his new girlfriend is completely new . I 've never seen her on the show before . It would be easier to accept a new girlfriend for Bellamy if I could have seen how the relationship started and grew . I also just don 't really feel the love between the two of them . Sure , I could be in Bellarke denial , but I will eagerly be awaiting this new relationships demise . I also think this new relationship is weird because none of the other characters have moved on and gotten new significant others . I just don 't buy the new girlfriend . It just seems like a way to rub it in my face that Bellarke is not going to happen in this season . And lastly we 've got Clarke living in the jungle like a female Tarzan . She 's legend now for what she did to the Mountain Men and there is a bounty on her head . The Grounders believe she has power , and if they capture and kill her , they will inherit that power . So if we 're gonna talk about Clarke , her sexy scene has to be mentioned . I wasn 't a fan . It just seemed like too much of an attempt to cater to a certain audience . I 'm not on team Clexa or Nilarke ( whatever they attempt to call that one ) . I know it 's the PC thing to do now . Every show has to have a bisexual / gay / lesbian character . I 'm over it . Disagree with me if you wish . So those are my rambling thoughts on The 100 Season 3 , Episode 1 . I 'm going to try to do one of these for every episode . These are just my thoughts and opinions , so if you disagree with them , okay . I 'm excited to see the next episode . I 'm hopeful that things will really pick up . I 'm highly anticipating the reunion between Bellamy and Clarke , even though I 'll probably get nothing . So yes , Season 3 I 'm ready to be immersed . Summary : Tony Chu is baaaack ! Since his boss hates him , Tony has been getting the worst jobs . While investigating a bank robbery , Tony comes across a plant that tastes just like chicken . Tony decides to do some off hours work and travels to the tropical island where this chicken plant grows . With his partner John to distract the boss , Tony uncovers some serious chicken business and encounters more secrets along the way . My Thoughts : Loved this ! ! This comic series is so much fun . Tony and John still remind me of Miles and Sawyer from Lost , which I also love . I love imagining Miles and Sawyer doing weird detective work and still being partners . I love the humor in this series . I was pretty much laughing from page one . Even though it deals with a gross subject matter , I just love the humor incorporated . It 's zany and fun . I 'm still in a bit of a weird reading mood , which would explain why I 'm not very far in either book . I 've been having mixed feelings about Nowhere But Here so far . Emily has been a bit of an annoyance . It 's getting a little better though . I haven 't wanted to throw her off a cliff for the last couple pages . I ended up having to return the physical book back to the library , but I rechecked it out on the overdrive / ebook app . Maybe that will make for quicker reading . I loved the first Katie McGarry book I read ( Pushing the Limits I think ) , but Nowhere But Here might just turn out to be a three star read for me . Then , I just started Maplecroft by Cherie Priest and I 'm interested so far . I 'm only about 30 pages in , so who knows what will happen . This one is a reimagining of the life and crime of ( allegedly ) Lizzie Borden . You might know her from this disturbing tune : Lizzie Borden took an axe / Gave her mother 40 wacks / And when she saw what she had done / Gave her father 41 . Creepy . Lizzie Borden was a real lady and her father and stepmother really were chopped to death by an axe or more accurately a hatchet . Lizzie Borden was arrested for the crime , tried , and acquitted . She lived the rest of her life in the same town and was widely believed to be guilty of the murders . Personally , she does seem highly suspicious . She did burn a dress that she claimed was " stained " from housework a couple days after the murder . Anyway , this book takes Lizzie Borden and puts her in a more sympathetic light . What if she wasn 't a monster , but instead a monster killer ? What if instead of murdering her parents , she instead murdered foul , monstrous creatures who had taken possession of her parents bodies . I 'm interested to see where this goes . It should be fun . I 'm also kind of curious to read other stuff by Cherie Priest . I 've already had my eye on the Boneshaker series . Summary : A book full of adventure , an alternate past , and steampunk galore ! Prince Alek has just learned his parents have been killed , and in the middle of the night must go on the run . Inside a Stormwalker , Alek and a few trusted men are traveling the wilderness to keep Alek safe and away from the war that is brewing and destined to break . Deryn has wanted to be an air pilot all her life . Girls are not allowed to join the King 's airforce , so Deryn becomes Dylan . Dylan becomes a junior soldier on the great Leviathan , half airship - half whale . Deryn / Dylan hopes that nobody finds out her secret . I really enjoyed this story . The alternate history and steampunk aspects were really enjoyable . Alek and Deryn were also really fun characters , watching them come and work together was really enjoyable . I also had no problem picturing Deryn as a boy on the Leviathan , although I did have trouble picturing her as a girl with a crush on a boy . A weird predicament to be sure , but Deryn played the boy so well , that in my head she was a boy . I 'm really interested to see where Deryn and Alek 's story goes . I also really enjoyed the world building . Scott Westerfeld 's imagination knows no bounds . I myself would personally be a machinist instead of a Darwinist just because the creation of those mutant animals just seems like trying to play God . They are taking creatures and manipulating them in order to better serve humans . To me , these new animals seem like unnatural abominations . I would just feel bad about doing this to animals . But creating and building a machine just doesn 't feel as bad or dirty . Just my humble opinion . Scott Westerfeld 's world is still super cool though . I also love the illustrations by Keith Thompson . They just jumped off the page and really added to the overall story . I 've come to really love pictures and illustrations in books . Leviathan is a fantastic book set in an interesting world , with two characters that I root for . I 'm very excited to continue on with this series , and for those who haven 't yet read Leviathan , stop what you 're doing and read it right now ! You won 't be disappointed . This week 's Top 5 Wednesday is our Top 5 Favorite Buzz Words that when I see them , make it a guaranteed buy . This is going to be an interesting topic because everybody 's buzz words are going to be different . Words that stick out to me might not stick out to other people . Words that interest me could cause others to turn away . So just interesting to see what words call out to people . Here are my Top 5 Buzz Words ! Yo ho , Yo ho a pirates life for me ! ! Ever since watching Pirates of the Caribbean : Curse of the Black Pearl , I 've been very interested in them . So interested in fact , that I did my senior project on it . Didn 't get the highest grade on my senior project , but I had so much fun researching famous pirates , discovering fun pirate tidbits , and learning about some famous women pirates . So I will now bore you with some of the pirate facts I learned . Blackbeard , one of the most fearsome and well - known pirates , was definitely a really scary dude . He would stick lighted tapers in his huge , black beard and pretty much resembled the devil . His real name was Edward Teach or Edward Thatch . He met his end off the coast of North Carolina and his head was taken as proof . They 've actually pulled up pieces of his ship , The Queen Anne 's Revenge off the ocean bottom not that long ago . One of my favorite random tidbits is all about Pirate Flags . Each Pirate had their own distinctive flag that would alert the unfortunate ships they came into contact with . They usually had bones , knives , skulls that warned of death to those unlucky enough to come into contact with them . The most well known pirate flag comes from a pirate that you probably haven 't heard that much about . This is the flag of Calico Jack Rackham . He 's famous for this flag and being the Captain of the ship where the two famous women pirates , Mary Read and Anne Bonny served . He ended up being hanged for the crimes of piracy . My third random fact made me feel like such a smarty pants when I saw Pirates of the Caribbean : At World 's End . There 's a scene where the big pirate captains are gathered together , I think to bring down Calypso . Anyway , there 's a female , Chinese pirate captain there , and I recognized who she was supposed to be . Her name was Madame Cheng or Ching . She was a pirate in China who took over after her husband died . She became so powerful , with a huge fleet of ships , that the Chinese government was unable to bring her down by force . They made a deal with her in which she still had money and power . She was one of a handful of pirates who was able to live to a ripe old age . Okay , I won 't tell you any more random facts . It 's obvious that I find pirates really fascinating . If I hear mention of pirates in the description of a book , I 'm automatically interested . Now , not every pirate book tickles my fancy , but it definitely gets me to do a second look at a book . What do you do with a drunken pirate ? What do you do with a drunken pirate ? What do you do with a drunken pirate ? Throw him in the brig . ( A fun pirate song ! ! ) 4 . Time Travel Time Travel will get me 90 % of the time . I 'm only not interested if they end up going back to a time that I don 't care about . There 's just something cool about Time Travel . The culture shock , the cool historical aspects , it 's just a lot of fun . Time Travel is a definite buzz word . I 'm also a sucker for Paranormal anything . Magic , werewolves , vampires , shape shifters just makes a story so much more fun for me . I love urban fantasy , paranormal romance , and of course the hundreds of YA books with something that makes them so much more fun than a boring contemporary . If I read Paranormal in a synopsis , I 'm in . This one should surprise no one that knows me or has followed my blog / youtube / instagram / twitter for awhile . My love for the TV show The Walking Dead really kickstarted my foray into all things zombie . I just love the world that is presented in zombie books . Everything is going to crap and it 's really about the human drive to survive . It 's not so much about the shambling dead in the streets , but the human story that gets me . Zombie is definitely a buzz word that grabs me and doesn 't let me go until the book is in my hand . This one kind of goes with my Zombie buzz word because it 's usually set in a Post - Apocalyptic world . I was tempted to combine this with Dystopia , but decided against it because those are really two separate things . I love the feel I get from Post - Apocalyptic books . That feeling of humans surviving in a world that 's been decimated by something . I think they are a lot of fun . Put Post - Apocalyptic elements in a synopsis and I 'm game to read it . So those are my Top 5 Buzz Words . What words when you see them in the synopsis , make you want to buy a book right then and there ? Let me know if we have any of the same Buzz Words . If you want to join in on the Top 5 Wednesday fun , you totally should . Each Wednesday is a new , fun topic to consider and adds a little something different to your blogs or booktubes . One can only do so many tags , wrap - ups , reviews and hauls . Check out all the other Top 5 Wednesday - ers here ! Summary : The flashback comes swift and intense . A girl with dark brown hair , big green eyes , and bleeding from gunshot and knife wounds . Who is this girl ? Did he kill her ? Nick is haunted by these questions . This idea that he could be just as mean as his father . Nick knows he has to find her . See if she 's still alive and what her connection is to Nick . It 's a mission Nick has to undertake on his own , so he leaves Anna , Sam , and Cas behind and heads to Trademarr , Illinois . Nick , the man of mystery , will finally reveal what makes him tick . My Thoughts : First and foremost , I love this series ! They are action packed thrill rides that have just been a lot of fun to read . There are three novels and three novellas . I 've only read the three physical books , so my opinion is going to be based on that . I was excited and sad picking up this book . Excited because I love this series and this whole book is told from Nicks POV , the sexy man of mystery . Sad because this is supposed to be the last book in the series and I don 't want it to end . Overall , I liked this book , but it wasn 't my favorite of the series . I did enjoy getting a story from Nick 's viewpoint . Throughout the whole series , he has been the hot , moody , sometimes surly , bad boy . He 's been one of my favorites , so it was nice to see what makes him tick . Now , this book did feel slower than the rest . I remember the first two being action - packed and fun . This story took awhile for the action to kick into gear . I also wasn 't the biggest fan of Nick separating from the group . I like their little family unit . I like Nick 's relationship with Anna , and in this one with him separated , I kind of missed out on that . Now this as a series ender , that 's what disappointed me the most . The end just came super quick after all the build up . And there were still so many loose ends . I don 't want loose ends at the end of a series . There was also the question , for me , as to what the group was going to do next . They had been moving from town to town , always on the lookout for The Branch . Now are they going to be able to settle down somewhere , be happy , and try to live a semi - normal life ? I 'm not sure . So yeah , I love love love this series . It 's so much fun and action packed . It 's also a series I think is underhyped , it deserves way more love and buzz than it 's gotten . As an ending book , Reborn was just alright . In ways it left me wanting , and in the grand scheme of the plot , I don 't feel like anything was really concluded . Now that does make me curious about the novellas . Will they add more , conclude things , give stories and happy endings for Trev and Cas ? I wish the novellas would be released in printed format . I 'm just not a fan of e - books , something I can never physically own and turn the pages with my hand . I guess if I want the full story , I might just have to go out and buy them , but it is disappointing that I can 't get them as a physical copy or through my library system . I love the series , but just wish that I could have got a true , satisfying ending , or that there were going to be more books . I 've been in a little bit of a reading slump for this past week , so I really didn 't get much read in my current Reading Right Now ! book . I 've just been getting distracted by things like Netflix and Youtube and my book has been pushed to the side a little . This is my second book by Katie McGarry , and I really enjoyed the first book I read by her . This one involves some strained family relationships and a motorcycle club . I 've enjoyed what I 've read of it so far . I get the impression that it is going to be a hot , steamy romance with danger and issues . I 'm excited to get farther into this and get over whatever weird slump I 'm in . Summary : Something happened to Echo her sophomore year of high school , something bad . At the start of her senior year ; Echo 's arms are covered in scars , her spirit has been broken , and she can 't remember what happened to cause it . When Echo is assigned to a special school therapist , she doesn 't hold out for a cure . At the request of her therapist , Echo agrees to tutor the bad boy Noah Hutchins who has a reputation as a heartbreaker . When Echo meets Noah , sparks fly and she wonders if Noah can help her live again . My Thoughts : It should be noted that I am not the biggest fan of contemporary novels . I would much rather read a dystopian , sci - fi , or even a good ol ' murder mystery , then read about kids with real life issues and problems . That being said , I LOVED THIS BOOK ! I really enjoyed Echo and Noah 's story . I enjoyed learning the mystery of Echo 's repressed memories and journeying with her as she fought to retrieve them . Although the ultimate truth was tragic , I really enjoyed Echo 's journey to find it , and in the process , find herself . I also felt very involved in Noah 's predicament . The tragedy surrounding him and his brothers was so sad and I was curious to learn what decisions he was going to make for his family . I also liked the love story between Echo and Noah . They were both individuals with flaws and problems , but together , they were able to rise up and become better , more whole people . Being together brought them each something they needed , that could only be found in that other person . One small detail that I enjoyed was the relationship Echo had with her friends . She had some great friends ( and a not so great one ) who stuck by her in really difficult times . I appreciate seeing a friendship like that . True friends are something to be cherished forever . Great , great story . Loved it and can 't wait to get my hand on and read Dare You To ! This week 's Top 5 Wednesday is our Top 5 Favorite Self - Published Books . This post is going to be very disappointing , because I don 't have 5 Favorite Self - Published books . I don 't read that many Self - Published books , and when I do , it 's because the author and their work got popular enough for a publishing house to pick them up . So , for this post I really only have one book / series that I know for sure started off as self - published . Maybe in the coming years I 'll read more self - published books . 1 . The First Days ( As the World Dies Book 1 ) by Rhiannon Frater : I loved this book so much . It 's zombies , I love zombie , end of the world books . This is the first book in a series , and I 've read the first two books . I really need to read the third because I know I 'll love it . This series might not be everyones thing , but it 's what I like . It follows two women as the zombie outbreak occurs . They come together and then meet up with other survivors . If you like The Walking Dead , I think you 'll like this . Now this series started off life as being self - published and got really popular , eventually getting picked up and re - released by a publishing house . It 's so good . So that 's the only self - published book I could think of to put on this list . I know of other self - published books , but I couldn 't put them on my favorite list because I haven 't read them yet . Like one day , I 'm gonna get around to reading something by Amanda Hocking . Her name is like synonymous with self - publishing success . If you know of any good self - published books , let me know . I obviously need to broaden my horizons . So that 's my Top 5 Wednesday . What are your favorite self - published masterpieces ? Let me know in the comments below . If you want to join in on the Top 5 Wednesday fun , you totally should . Each Wednesday is a new topic to consider and enjoy . Check out all the other Top 5 Wednesday - ers here ! Amy works at Orsk , but don 't go to her if you want a happy Orsk employee story . She 's just working there until she decides what she wants to do next . Weird things have been happening at her store . Every morning , employees walk in to find broken furniture , dirty furniture , and broken odds and ends . This Orsk location is losing money and the big wigs want to know why . When Amy is approached by Deputy Manager Basil with a proposition , she 's suspicious . Amy 's not Basil 's biggest fan . She 's pretty sure Basil is just looking for a chance to fire her . Basil has been put under a lot of stress to find out what 's going on at the store between closing and opening hours . Basil asks Amy to work a dusk - til - dawn shift with him and Ruth Anne to find out just what is going on at Orsk . My Thoughts : I flew through this one so fast and had such a good time reading it . It was fun and had this weird , creepy edge to it . I wasn 't expecting the brand of creepy that it introduced . I knew it was supposed to be a scary / haunted house type book , but it was more scary weird than I expected . This was a lot of fun . One thing that I 've come to expect from Quirk Books is really cool designed reads . Reading one is an experience . All the added design extras just make the books that much more fun to read . I wasn 't necessarily the biggest fan of our main character Amy . She wasn 't a happy person from the start and just has this way of disliking people for no real reason . She has this beef with Basil , the deputy manager , and I think she just dislikes him because he 's slightly younger than her and a deputy manager . From what I saw of Basil , he seemed like a nice guy that was kind of looking out for Amy . So yeah , Amy wasn 't my favorite character ever . I also enjoyed all the little hidden extras in the story . I loved the showcasing of Orsk furniture at the start of each chapter and the subtle changes as the story goes on . I also found it funny how each item number contained a 666 . Those were just fun , little extras . I also enjoyed the scary story told in this book . It was different than what I was expecting ; more disturbing , scary , and weird . I very much enjoyed it . I think the odd scariness elevated the story a little . It was just a fun weird and I enjoyed it . This one is very twisty , turn - y , and mysterious . I 've really been enjoying it . It 's about this girl named Rory Miller who is targeted and attacked by a serial killer . It 's a killer who has been on the loose for years and has never been caught . Rory manages to get away and alerts the police , but of course the killer has flown the coop . Rory and her family aren 't safe anymore , so the FBI puts them in witness protection . Their new cover places them on this idyllic coastal / island town . The only two ways on the island are by boat or by ferry . This island isn 't exactly as it seems though . There is no internet or cell reception on the island . They 've entered a dead zone , with no way to get in touch with any friends or family . And Rory has attracted the interest of the popular kids on the island for reasons unbeknownst to her . Uncovering this island 's secrets is going to be Rory 's next mission . This book is soooo fun to read . It 's really fast - paced and quick , and the mystery just has me guessing . There 's this mysterious / eerie sort of vibe that runs through the whole book , and I 'm just really enjoying it . It 's the first book in a trilogy and I 'm definitely going to be picking up the others ASAP , so I have them when I finish this one . At this point , I 'd definitely recommend this for a read . So that 's what I 'm Reading Right Now ! Tell me what you 're reading . Or if you 've read this book , tell me your thoughts on it . Posted by Summary : When Joe Ledger kills a terrorist , he sure doesn 't expect to get attacked by that same terrorist later in the week . Joe is yanked from his life and job , and is recruited to join a special organization called DMS , whose main goal is to protect the security of America from the living , and as of now , the dead . Joe and his special team of operatives must find and neutralize a group of terrorists who plan on releasing a zombie pathogen on the American population . Patient Zero is full of action , adventure , and sends thrills and chills to readers now imagining the horrors of zombies and terrorists . I feel like I misled myself on this book because I went into it expecting a full blown , zombie novel , and while it did contain some of the zombie mayhem that I love , it also contained a lot more . This novel wasn 't just a zombie novel , it also contained military , terrorists , action , thrills , intense fight scenes , and secret government organizations . This is not a zombie novel , instead it is an intense thriller that shows the horrors that could ensue if terrorists ever got their hands on dangerous disease pathogens and tried to unleash them on the American populace . Terrorists using zombies as a weapon of mass destruction is terrifying . It was hard for me to connect with Joe Ledger sometimes . Throughout the majority of the novel , he was a little too macho man for me . Also , he seemed to have no problem jumping into this secret organization and leading a team , which he had never done before . I also questioned his ability to figure things out so quickly . Joe Ledger seems to be more superhuman than the mortal guy he 's supposed to be . Those were my only issues with the story . I thoroughly enjoyed the rest of it , even though military thriller books aren 't my go to reads . Fandoms are so much fun . Knowing you love a book , tv show , video game , and knowing there are other people out there that you can gush about it with is just so satisfying . This Top 5 Wednesday is all about our Top 5 Favorite Fandoms ( books , tv , movie , etc ) I 'm not sure I have a full five , but I 've definitely got a couple to talk about ! ! 5 . The Gone Series by Michael Grant : I love this series . It was so much fun to read and experience . Pure craziness in books . I also had a couple friends that I could gush about this series with . It might not be the biggest fandom I 'm involved in , but maybe that 's what makes it the most special . I really felt like a true fan instead of one of those people that just jumps on the bandwagon because it is popular . I also recommend this series to anyone and everyone because I want them to experience the pure awesome that it is . 4 . Hart of Dixie : I love this show so much . Got sucked into it one day while scrolling through Netflix and wasn 't able to escape until I watched every season on there . Then I would go on twitter and tweet while the 4th season was playing on the CW . Sadly , it got canceled , but I love it so much . My friends and family can attest to how wrapped up I got in this show . And also just Wade , so cute . If you would like to gush over this show with me , you can watch all 4 seasons on Netflix . It 's a perfect sort of romantic comedy show that 's just a lot of fun . It will make you want to move down south and find your own Bluebell , Alabama . 3 . Pirates of the Caribbean : These movies kickstarted my obsession with pirates . This was something that I could gush over with my friends and was just so much fun to watch . I 'm excited for the 5th movie coming out eventually . Hopefully it can capture the magic of the other ones and they can bring back some characters that I love . Also Jack Sparrow , Captain Jack Sparrow . 2 . The 100 : Love Love The 100 so much ! ! And this fandom is really fun to be a part of . It really just has hit it 's stride . It 's one of those fandoms that is passionate about the show and who they want to end up together on it . Sure there is some conflict over who should end up with who . And some fandom members can get a little mean with the fighting . But it 's so fun to live tweet during the show and just react to what 's happening together . Also Bellamy Blake is everything < 3 < 3 Season 3 premieres January 21st at 9 : 00 eastern . Mark it on your calendars . It 's been such a long , long wait . 1 . Harry Potter : This is the first fandom that I ever became a part of and it 's the fandom that I 'll be a part of forever . I grew up with Harry Potter . I became friends with kids who loved Harry Potter just as much as me . We went to the book releases , saw the movies together , gave each other Potter nicknames . Harry Potter will always hold a special place in my heart and was kind of a once in a lifetime sort of thing . It was so much fun discussing our theories as the books were coming out and just talking about books . Harry Potter will always be my number one . So that 's it for my Top 5 Favorite Fandoms this Wednesday . If you want to join in on the Top 5 Wednesday fun , you totally should . Each Wednesday there is a new topic to consider and enjoy . Check out all the other Top 5 Wednesday - ers here ! You might have noticed that my blog has been a little barren of new posts over the past couple weeks . That was because I went to visit family for Christmas and just was too lazy to schedule any posts . Yes , I am that time of person . Very very lazy . But I am back from Christmas and holiday visiting and am hoping to get back into the swing of things . Doing better with my posts and all that stuff . Being able to schedule posts is one of the best things ever . I think if that option wasn 't available to me , my blog would just be so so sad . I 'm also going to try and do better with my Top 5 Wednesday posts . Sometimes I just let those posts slip right past my mind . I enjoy doing them and just need to get better about posting them . Also , I 'm up for other ideas on what you 'd like to see on my blog . I have other hobbies and don 't know if you 'd want to see that on the blog . Tell me your suggestions . I also thought I 'd mention some of my other obsessions and stuff I 'm excited for in this post . First and foremost , The 100 is coming back for Season 3 on January 21 ! ! ! ! Less than 20 days until I get to watch it again . For those that don 't know , I 'm obsessed with this show . So anyway , January 21 at 9 : 00 pm eastern time needs to be added to your calendar . If you 've never heard of The 100 before and would like to watch the show from the beginning , Seasons 1 and 2 are on Netflix and they are awesome . Please consider checking the show out because I need more people to gush over it with . And join me on the Bellarke side . Because I 'm one of those people that television and Netflix just takes over their lives , I 've also been super obsessed with the show Person of Interest . I 've developed a little bit of a crush on John Reese . This show is soooo good . I 'm a little scared that it might get cancelled because Season 5 is only going to have 10 episodes and premiere later on in the season . I think I heard that it might come on in the summer , but I 'm not sure . It would really suck if it got cancelled just after I have become so obsessed with it . Watch this one on Netflix too . Soooo good and the first 4 seasons are on Netflix . Summary : The MK virus was one of the deadliest to hit the globe . It killed people all around the world and spread like wildfire . A race was on to find a cure , a vaccination against this deadly disease . When Praevenir hit the market , people lined up for the vaccination . It protected against the MK virus and that was all that mattered , who cares if it hadn 't gone through all the FDA tests . Then the side effects hit . Side effects that the world had never seen before . A small , small percentage of the population developed immunities such as : levitation , mind reading , illusions , and other powers . Ciere is an immune and she was blessed or cursed with the gift of illusion . Her immunity makes her a hunted target . The government wants to use her and her gift to their advantage . Ciere instead turns to a life of crime with her mentor Kit . Then the day comes when they become embroiled in something far bigger than they bargained for . My Thoughts : This was a good time . The whole concept was really cool and fun . I love anything and everything with super powers , and super powered criminals are even better . This was a fast - paced , fun adventure and I really enjoyed reading it . In a way , this kind of felt to me like a distant relative of one of my favorite books Vicious . I felt like I was getting to experience the lives of people with special abilities that Eli hadn 't managed to kill yet . Yeah , I liked this and with that ending , I definitely want the sequel soon . One thing that did drive me crazy at first was having no idea how to pronounce the main character 's name . I hate that feeling of seeing this weird name that I have no hope of pronouncing right . It bothers me . Especially when it 's a name that I can 't figure out on my own . Ciere was that name for me . I actually googled it to figure out how to say it , and I 'm so glad that I did . For anyone else with the same hangup as me , it 's supposed to be pronounced like Sierra minus the a . Super powers are always a win . And I really liked the development of the characters . It was interesting to see villains morph into people I didn 't hate , some I even rooted for . I am interested to hear more about Daniel in the next book . I wish I could have seen him with Kit and Ciere before he got separated , just so I could gauge what their relationship was like . They might be criminals , but they were also a family .
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What I 'm Reading Right Now ! is . . . Same ol ' same ol ' . Not much excitement because I 'm reading exactly the same books I was reading last week . I have made absolutely no progress in this book . In general , I suck at reading two books at a time , which could be why I haven 't gotten any farther in this . I 'm also not loving this like I loved the first Katie McGarry book I read . The main character Emily hasn 't been my favorite , and it 's been a little difficult to understand her mindset . If I don 't finish this before it 's due back to the library , I 'll just check it out again . No big deal . I 've been concentrating on reading this one more than Nowhere But Here . I 'm enjoying this . It 's definitely a slow moving read . I am sometimes a little iffy when it comes to books that want to play around with history . So , the facts about Lizzie Borden and how she is portrayed in this book , I 'm taking as worth a grain of salt . But it 's getting kind of mysterious and creepy . All this build up to whatever the monster is . Yes it 's just a novella , but I still read something . Love this series and really enjoyed this novella . It was about my favorite criminal , Jack Dandy . Celia develops a strange , throbbing bruise on her leg along with severe headaches . Celia , with the help of her friends and associates , must find the maker of this bomb and stop them before they can strike again . The fate of the world rests in the hands of a half - vampire / half - siren Celia and her gang of magical misfits . My Thoughts : A magical urban fantasy romp . Highly enjoyable and very entertaining . This is the 4th book in the Blood Singer series , and I really wish I had read the first 3 before I started this one . It is totally my own fault , but I really wish I had been caught up in the story just so I knew who was who . The plot of this story reminded me a lot of a book I had read earlier in the month which was Patient Zero by Jonathan Maberry . Just an odd sort of coincidence there . Obviously , these were two very different books , with one full of magic and the other full of Special Ops teams , but the two villains had a very similar sort of diabolical scheme . Another thing these two had in common was the tantalizing lure of zombies in the synopsis and then the stories ended up not being about a zombie apocalypse situation at all . Zombies were a weapon instead of a main part of the story , but enough about that . I really enjoyed this book . It had tons of action and was just no stress , fun reading . Don 't be a book idiot like me , and make sure to start this series from the very beginning so you don 't miss any of the fun stuff . If you like urban fantasy , then go check this series out . This week 's Top 5 Wednesday is our Top 5 Disappointing Eye Candy or books that you picked up because they looked beautiful , but they turned out to be awful . I won 't lie , I 've got a couple . They always say , don 't judge a book by its cover . Sometimes I am shallow and get tricked by a beautiful cover . * * * Splintered by A . G . Howard This wasn 't awful , it was just disappointing . It cannot be argued that that cover is pretty though . I enjoyed the first half of this book way more than the second half . It all went to crap when Alyssa got to Wonderland and met that awful moth hybrid Morpheus . I did not like him . I also didn 't enjoy this challenge the author had to make Wonderland as weird as she possibly could . It was just too weird for me . Because I love to torture myself and maybe suffer from an odd mental compulsion , I will read the rest of the books in the series just so I can know how everything turns out . The whole series really has beautiful covers though . * * * Nearly Gone by Elle Cosimano This could be argued as not really having that pretty of a cover because it 's really just part of a face and words , but the cover of this book did help draw me in . My main problem with this one was the main character . Really didn 't like her . She reminded me of one of those kids / adults that just think they are smarter and above everyone else . I thought she made stupid decisions , the biggest being not telling the cops everything she knew . I think if she had just been honest , gotten the cops involved from the very start , put all her cards on the table ; the killer would have been caught a lot sooner and less people would have ended up dead . So yeah , for being such a smarty - pants , in the end Nearly was just an idiot . * * * Nil by Lynne Matson This book disappointed me because I thought I was going to get something different from it . The synopsis reminded me so much of Lost . Teenagers taken to a mysterious island where they are given a year to escape or die . This island with so many secrets , and ability to be an awesome read . My big disappointment came from learning this was really just teenage drama , love island . Everyone was beautiful . It was love at first sight . They couldn 't contain themselves for declaring their love for one another even though they had just met . And I learned nothing of why the island was the way it was . What the whole point of the island was . Just sickening mush . And yes , I 'll probably torture myself and read the rest of the books so I can see what happens in the end . 5 . The Sin Eater 's Daughter by Melinda Salisbury My main problem with this cover and really synopsis was that it was a lie . I was drawn into this book , thinking I was getting a Shatter Me like story , and then I figured out how badly I was lied to . The main character in this book just sits and mopes in her room all the time and makes such bad decisions . I was just disappointed in this one . I wanted epicness and got more dullness . I am interested to read the next book in the series because I think it will be about different people and hopefully have a more interesting storyline . 4 . Undertow by Michael Buckley This one had a really really cool cover , but the overall story was just too weird for me and I didn 't buy it . I hated the love story because I didn 't believe it . The fish people were too weird and alien for me to even try to connect with them . I also really didn 't like how the author threw in his political views with certain characters and scenarios . I 'm reading this for a good story , not because I want to know Michael Buckley 's views on real life political candidates . Again , because I want to make myself suffer , I 'll probably one day read the other books in this series . 3 . Rook by Sharon Cameron That cover is pretty , too bad it contained a book that was too long and mega boring . The world was weird . Didn 't understand it . It 's supposed to be a book set in the future , but where the inhabitants have given up technology and live in a world that is like the time period of the French Revolution . What 's the point of that ? This book was just sooooo dull though . I felt like it would never end . 2 . The Last Princess by Galaxy Craze This one has a really interesting , colorful , pretty cover , but this one really was kind of awful . It tried to fit in every dystopian / post - apocalyptic trope it could and it ended up just being really bad . I didn 't understand why the main character did some of the things she does . I mean , she walks into the camp of the people who just tried to kill her with no real plan . Every cute woodland animal you meet in this book dies , plus beloved pets . And the twists and turns weren 't really surprising . This might be a series that I never finish because I don 't think the publisher even wanted to finish it . The second book is currently only available as an ebook , and I 'm more of a physical copy type of girl . I can honestly say that this one wasn 't very good . 1 . Reawakened by Colleen Houck I think I have the most intense feelings about this one still . I was drawn to this book because of its beautiful cover . I mean , it 's beautiful ! But man did I hate this book . I wanted to push the main character off a cliff as soon as I met her . She 's a privileged , rude , self - important snob and I don 't like her . I didn 't like how she kept trying to push herself on the main guy when he really wasn 't interested in her . I also didn 't like how our main guy pretty much attached himself like a parasite to Lily . She thought she went on this journey with him because she was special , it was really only because she was the first human he saw and he needed her life force to live . That doesn 't mean that he liked her , he was using her , and she was too much of an annoying idiot to realize it . Maybe I 'll read the sequel . I bet the cover will be just as pretty . I mean , I guess I want to know what happens next , but I know I 'm probably going to hate it too . Leaving things unfinished just bothers me more than my actual hatred for the book I guess . So that 's my Top 5 Disappointing Eye Candy ( books that looked beautiful but were awful ) . Are any of my picks on your list too ? Do you disagree with any of the books I picked ? Let me know because everyone has different opinions . If you want to join in on the Top 5 Wednesday fun , you totally should . Each Wednesday , there 's a new topic to consider and answer . Check out all the other Top 5 Wednesday - ers here ! So how about this for a Tuesday . One of my favorite shows finally came back on the air January 21 , 2016 . The 100 is back for its third season . The wait has been excruciating . So I ran to my TV Thursday night and watched the episode . I decided to share what I thought about it . This isn 't going to be a review , but rather a fan 's reaction to a favorite show . All thoughts and opinions are going to be my own . I 'm not going to go into detail or depth , or sugarcoat my true feelings because it 's unpopular opinion to some . If you don 't like what I have to say , then that 's your problem . So mean , I know . But with all the ship wars going on within The 100 community , it 's dangerous out there . I 'm not apologizing for what I think , want , or feel . My ability to ramble on astounds even me . Anyway . . . . There was a lot crammed into this first episode . After all the expectation and waiting for it to come back , I felt like I maybe overhyped myself . It was a good episode , but it was a much calmer feel than the craziness that went down in Season 2 . There were a lot of separate kind of story - lines in the Season 3 , Episode 1 . First we 've got Jaha and Murphy . At the end of Season 2 , Jaha has made his way to a mysterious mansion and met with a mysterious AI . Her name is ALI and it 's pretty clear that she had something to do with the end of the world . Murphy found himself a bunker full of crackers and booze , but then finds out its former owner created ALI , blamed himself ( and her ) for the apocalypse , and shot himself . So Season 3 opens and Jaha is still crazy . Murphy meanwhile gets sealed in the bunker for 86 days and pretty much comes close to losing his mind . On day 86 the bunker unseals itself thanks to lovely Jaha and ALI 's command . Murphy knows he has to get out of there . I 'm really loving Murphy . In the first Season , I did not like him , but he 's really grown on me since . He 's not a good guy , but maybe redeemable . I think I want him away from Jaha , cause Jaha is just off his rocker . I have no idea what this City of Light stuff is , but it sure doesn 't look like an actual place where people can be happy and safe . Then we get to the Ark . They 've called their camp / city / whatever it is Arkadia . I like it , catchy . So 3 months have gone by since Mount Weather and Clarke leaving . It looks like the adults have completely taken over , which is slightly depressing . Bellamy has kind of been regulated to a regiment commander with Monty , Jasper , Miller , Raven , and the other kids from Season 2 . I was very happy to see all of their faces . But at the same time , I kind of feel bad for everybody . First Raven , she is awesome . She 's having to deal with being disabled and it 's just so sad to see her struggle . She 's the type of person who 's independent and doesn 't want help from anyone . Also , she 's apparently not in a relationship with Wick anymore , which makes me sad . I heard rumors that something went on with the actor that played Wick and he was let go from the show . I really liked Wick and Raven together . Her being alone and hurting just makes me sad . The bromance between Jasper and Monty is also off . Jasper is in deep grief over the events at the Mountain and Maya . He 's taken to drinking and doesn 't seem to care whether he lives or dies . Monty feels guilt over his actions at the Mountain and it doesn 't help that Jasper 's constantly throwing it in his face . I want them to be best buddies again . They all did have a nice , fun scene in the tricked out vehicle though . And then Bellamy , the one I look forward to seeing most . Seeing him at the end of Season 2 , watching Clarke walk away , so many emotions . I am a Bellarke shipper . I think their chemistry is so apparent and I want one day for them to happen . So I was kind of thrown off by Bellamy 's new girlfriend . I just thought it was a strange move for the show to take . First , his new girlfriend is completely new . I 've never seen her on the show before . It would be easier to accept a new girlfriend for Bellamy if I could have seen how the relationship started and grew . I also just don 't really feel the love between the two of them . Sure , I could be in Bellarke denial , but I will eagerly be awaiting this new relationships demise . I also think this new relationship is weird because none of the other characters have moved on and gotten new significant others . I just don 't buy the new girlfriend . It just seems like a way to rub it in my face that Bellarke is not going to happen in this season . And lastly we 've got Clarke living in the jungle like a female Tarzan . She 's legend now for what she did to the Mountain Men and there is a bounty on her head . The Grounders believe she has power , and if they capture and kill her , they will inherit that power . So if we 're gonna talk about Clarke , her sexy scene has to be mentioned . I wasn 't a fan . It just seemed like too much of an attempt to cater to a certain audience . I 'm not on team Clexa or Nilarke ( whatever they attempt to call that one ) . I know it 's the PC thing to do now . Every show has to have a bisexual / gay / lesbian character . I 'm over it . Disagree with me if you wish . So those are my rambling thoughts on The 100 Season 3 , Episode 1 . I 'm going to try to do one of these for every episode . These are just my thoughts and opinions , so if you disagree with them , okay . I 'm excited to see the next episode . I 'm hopeful that things will really pick up . I 'm highly anticipating the reunion between Bellamy and Clarke , even though I 'll probably get nothing . So yes , Season 3 I 'm ready to be immersed . Summary : Tony Chu is baaaack ! Since his boss hates him , Tony has been getting the worst jobs . While investigating a bank robbery , Tony comes across a plant that tastes just like chicken . Tony decides to do some off hours work and travels to the tropical island where this chicken plant grows . With his partner John to distract the boss , Tony uncovers some serious chicken business and encounters more secrets along the way . My Thoughts : Loved this ! ! This comic series is so much fun . Tony and John still remind me of Miles and Sawyer from Lost , which I also love . I love imagining Miles and Sawyer doing weird detective work and still being partners . I love the humor in this series . I was pretty much laughing from page one . Even though it deals with a gross subject matter , I just love the humor incorporated . It 's zany and fun . I 'm still in a bit of a weird reading mood , which would explain why I 'm not very far in either book . I 've been having mixed feelings about Nowhere But Here so far . Emily has been a bit of an annoyance . It 's getting a little better though . I haven 't wanted to throw her off a cliff for the last couple pages . I ended up having to return the physical book back to the library , but I rechecked it out on the overdrive / ebook app . Maybe that will make for quicker reading . I loved the first Katie McGarry book I read ( Pushing the Limits I think ) , but Nowhere But Here might just turn out to be a three star read for me . Then , I just started Maplecroft by Cherie Priest and I 'm interested so far . I 'm only about 30 pages in , so who knows what will happen . This one is a reimagining of the life and crime of ( allegedly ) Lizzie Borden . You might know her from this disturbing tune : Lizzie Borden took an axe / Gave her mother 40 wacks / And when she saw what she had done / Gave her father 41 . Creepy . Lizzie Borden was a real lady and her father and stepmother really were chopped to death by an axe or more accurately a hatchet . Lizzie Borden was arrested for the crime , tried , and acquitted . She lived the rest of her life in the same town and was widely believed to be guilty of the murders . Personally , she does seem highly suspicious . She did burn a dress that she claimed was " stained " from housework a couple days after the murder . Anyway , this book takes Lizzie Borden and puts her in a more sympathetic light . What if she wasn 't a monster , but instead a monster killer ? What if instead of murdering her parents , she instead murdered foul , monstrous creatures who had taken possession of her parents bodies . I 'm interested to see where this goes . It should be fun . I 'm also kind of curious to read other stuff by Cherie Priest . I 've already had my eye on the Boneshaker series . Summary : A book full of adventure , an alternate past , and steampunk galore ! Prince Alek has just learned his parents have been killed , and in the middle of the night must go on the run . Inside a Stormwalker , Alek and a few trusted men are traveling the wilderness to keep Alek safe and away from the war that is brewing and destined to break . Deryn has wanted to be an air pilot all her life . Girls are not allowed to join the King 's airforce , so Deryn becomes Dylan . Dylan becomes a junior soldier on the great Leviathan , half airship - half whale . Deryn / Dylan hopes that nobody finds out her secret . I really enjoyed this story . The alternate history and steampunk aspects were really enjoyable . Alek and Deryn were also really fun characters , watching them come and work together was really enjoyable . I also had no problem picturing Deryn as a boy on the Leviathan , although I did have trouble picturing her as a girl with a crush on a boy . A weird predicament to be sure , but Deryn played the boy so well , that in my head she was a boy . I 'm really interested to see where Deryn and Alek 's story goes . I also really enjoyed the world building . Scott Westerfeld 's imagination knows no bounds . I myself would personally be a machinist instead of a Darwinist just because the creation of those mutant animals just seems like trying to play God . They are taking creatures and manipulating them in order to better serve humans . To me , these new animals seem like unnatural abominations . I would just feel bad about doing this to animals . But creating and building a machine just doesn 't feel as bad or dirty . Just my humble opinion . Scott Westerfeld 's world is still super cool though . I also love the illustrations by Keith Thompson . They just jumped off the page and really added to the overall story . I 've come to really love pictures and illustrations in books . Leviathan is a fantastic book set in an interesting world , with two characters that I root for . I 'm very excited to continue on with this series , and for those who haven 't yet read Leviathan , stop what you 're doing and read it right now ! You won 't be disappointed . This week 's Top 5 Wednesday is our Top 5 Favorite Buzz Words that when I see them , make it a guaranteed buy . This is going to be an interesting topic because everybody 's buzz words are going to be different . Words that stick out to me might not stick out to other people . Words that interest me could cause others to turn away . So just interesting to see what words call out to people . Here are my Top 5 Buzz Words ! Yo ho , Yo ho a pirates life for me ! ! Ever since watching Pirates of the Caribbean : Curse of the Black Pearl , I 've been very interested in them . So interested in fact , that I did my senior project on it . Didn 't get the highest grade on my senior project , but I had so much fun researching famous pirates , discovering fun pirate tidbits , and learning about some famous women pirates . So I will now bore you with some of the pirate facts I learned . Blackbeard , one of the most fearsome and well - known pirates , was definitely a really scary dude . He would stick lighted tapers in his huge , black beard and pretty much resembled the devil . His real name was Edward Teach or Edward Thatch . He met his end off the coast of North Carolina and his head was taken as proof . They 've actually pulled up pieces of his ship , The Queen Anne 's Revenge off the ocean bottom not that long ago . One of my favorite random tidbits is all about Pirate Flags . Each Pirate had their own distinctive flag that would alert the unfortunate ships they came into contact with . They usually had bones , knives , skulls that warned of death to those unlucky enough to come into contact with them . The most well known pirate flag comes from a pirate that you probably haven 't heard that much about . This is the flag of Calico Jack Rackham . He 's famous for this flag and being the Captain of the ship where the two famous women pirates , Mary Read and Anne Bonny served . He ended up being hanged for the crimes of piracy . My third random fact made me feel like such a smarty pants when I saw Pirates of the Caribbean : At World 's End . There 's a scene where the big pirate captains are gathered together , I think to bring down Calypso . Anyway , there 's a female , Chinese pirate captain there , and I recognized who she was supposed to be . Her name was Madame Cheng or Ching . She was a pirate in China who took over after her husband died . She became so powerful , with a huge fleet of ships , that the Chinese government was unable to bring her down by force . They made a deal with her in which she still had money and power . She was one of a handful of pirates who was able to live to a ripe old age . Okay , I won 't tell you any more random facts . It 's obvious that I find pirates really fascinating . If I hear mention of pirates in the description of a book , I 'm automatically interested . Now , not every pirate book tickles my fancy , but it definitely gets me to do a second look at a book . What do you do with a drunken pirate ? What do you do with a drunken pirate ? What do you do with a drunken pirate ? Throw him in the brig . ( A fun pirate song ! ! ) 4 . Time Travel Time Travel will get me 90 % of the time . I 'm only not interested if they end up going back to a time that I don 't care about . There 's just something cool about Time Travel . The culture shock , the cool historical aspects , it 's just a lot of fun . Time Travel is a definite buzz word . I 'm also a sucker for Paranormal anything . Magic , werewolves , vampires , shape shifters just makes a story so much more fun for me . I love urban fantasy , paranormal romance , and of course the hundreds of YA books with something that makes them so much more fun than a boring contemporary . If I read Paranormal in a synopsis , I 'm in . This one should surprise no one that knows me or has followed my blog / youtube / instagram / twitter for awhile . My love for the TV show The Walking Dead really kickstarted my foray into all things zombie . I just love the world that is presented in zombie books . Everything is going to crap and it 's really about the human drive to survive . It 's not so much about the shambling dead in the streets , but the human story that gets me . Zombie is definitely a buzz word that grabs me and doesn 't let me go until the book is in my hand . This one kind of goes with my Zombie buzz word because it 's usually set in a Post - Apocalyptic world . I was tempted to combine this with Dystopia , but decided against it because those are really two separate things . I love the feel I get from Post - Apocalyptic books . That feeling of humans surviving in a world that 's been decimated by something . I think they are a lot of fun . Put Post - Apocalyptic elements in a synopsis and I 'm game to read it . So those are my Top 5 Buzz Words . What words when you see them in the synopsis , make you want to buy a book right then and there ? Let me know if we have any of the same Buzz Words . If you want to join in on the Top 5 Wednesday fun , you totally should . Each Wednesday is a new , fun topic to consider and adds a little something different to your blogs or booktubes . One can only do so many tags , wrap - ups , reviews and hauls . Check out all the other Top 5 Wednesday - ers here ! Summary : The flashback comes swift and intense . A girl with dark brown hair , big green eyes , and bleeding from gunshot and knife wounds . Who is this girl ? Did he kill her ? Nick is haunted by these questions . This idea that he could be just as mean as his father . Nick knows he has to find her . See if she 's still alive and what her connection is to Nick . It 's a mission Nick has to undertake on his own , so he leaves Anna , Sam , and Cas behind and heads to Trademarr , Illinois . Nick , the man of mystery , will finally reveal what makes him tick . My Thoughts : First and foremost , I love this series ! They are action packed thrill rides that have just been a lot of fun to read . There are three novels and three novellas . I 've only read the three physical books , so my opinion is going to be based on that . I was excited and sad picking up this book . Excited because I love this series and this whole book is told from Nicks POV , the sexy man of mystery . Sad because this is supposed to be the last book in the series and I don 't want it to end . Overall , I liked this book , but it wasn 't my favorite of the series . I did enjoy getting a story from Nick 's viewpoint . Throughout the whole series , he has been the hot , moody , sometimes surly , bad boy . He 's been one of my favorites , so it was nice to see what makes him tick . Now , this book did feel slower than the rest . I remember the first two being action - packed and fun . This story took awhile for the action to kick into gear . I also wasn 't the biggest fan of Nick separating from the group . I like their little family unit . I like Nick 's relationship with Anna , and in this one with him separated , I kind of missed out on that . Now this as a series ender , that 's what disappointed me the most . The end just came super quick after all the build up . And there were still so many loose ends . I don 't want loose ends at the end of a series . There was also the question , for me , as to what the group was going to do next . They had been moving from town to town , always on the lookout for The Branch . Now are they going to be able to settle down somewhere , be happy , and try to live a semi - normal life ? I 'm not sure . So yeah , I love love love this series . It 's so much fun and action packed . It 's also a series I think is underhyped , it deserves way more love and buzz than it 's gotten . As an ending book , Reborn was just alright . In ways it left me wanting , and in the grand scheme of the plot , I don 't feel like anything was really concluded . Now that does make me curious about the novellas . Will they add more , conclude things , give stories and happy endings for Trev and Cas ? I wish the novellas would be released in printed format . I 'm just not a fan of e - books , something I can never physically own and turn the pages with my hand . I guess if I want the full story , I might just have to go out and buy them , but it is disappointing that I can 't get them as a physical copy or through my library system . I love the series , but just wish that I could have got a true , satisfying ending , or that there were going to be more books . I 've been in a little bit of a reading slump for this past week , so I really didn 't get much read in my current Reading Right Now ! book . I 've just been getting distracted by things like Netflix and Youtube and my book has been pushed to the side a little . This is my second book by Katie McGarry , and I really enjoyed the first book I read by her . This one involves some strained family relationships and a motorcycle club . I 've enjoyed what I 've read of it so far . I get the impression that it is going to be a hot , steamy romance with danger and issues . I 'm excited to get farther into this and get over whatever weird slump I 'm in . Summary : Something happened to Echo her sophomore year of high school , something bad . At the start of her senior year ; Echo 's arms are covered in scars , her spirit has been broken , and she can 't remember what happened to cause it . When Echo is assigned to a special school therapist , she doesn 't hold out for a cure . At the request of her therapist , Echo agrees to tutor the bad boy Noah Hutchins who has a reputation as a heartbreaker . When Echo meets Noah , sparks fly and she wonders if Noah can help her live again . My Thoughts : It should be noted that I am not the biggest fan of contemporary novels . I would much rather read a dystopian , sci - fi , or even a good ol ' murder mystery , then read about kids with real life issues and problems . That being said , I LOVED THIS BOOK ! I really enjoyed Echo and Noah 's story . I enjoyed learning the mystery of Echo 's repressed memories and journeying with her as she fought to retrieve them . Although the ultimate truth was tragic , I really enjoyed Echo 's journey to find it , and in the process , find herself . I also felt very involved in Noah 's predicament . The tragedy surrounding him and his brothers was so sad and I was curious to learn what decisions he was going to make for his family . I also liked the love story between Echo and Noah . They were both individuals with flaws and problems , but together , they were able to rise up and become better , more whole people . Being together brought them each something they needed , that could only be found in that other person . One small detail that I enjoyed was the relationship Echo had with her friends . She had some great friends ( and a not so great one ) who stuck by her in really difficult times . I appreciate seeing a friendship like that . True friends are something to be cherished forever . Great , great story . Loved it and can 't wait to get my hand on and read Dare You To ! This week 's Top 5 Wednesday is our Top 5 Favorite Self - Published Books . This post is going to be very disappointing , because I don 't have 5 Favorite Self - Published books . I don 't read that many Self - Published books , and when I do , it 's because the author and their work got popular enough for a publishing house to pick them up . So , for this post I really only have one book / series that I know for sure started off as self - published . Maybe in the coming years I 'll read more self - published books . 1 . The First Days ( As the World Dies Book 1 ) by Rhiannon Frater : I loved this book so much . It 's zombies , I love zombie , end of the world books . This is the first book in a series , and I 've read the first two books . I really need to read the third because I know I 'll love it . This series might not be everyones thing , but it 's what I like . It follows two women as the zombie outbreak occurs . They come together and then meet up with other survivors . If you like The Walking Dead , I think you 'll like this . Now this series started off life as being self - published and got really popular , eventually getting picked up and re - released by a publishing house . It 's so good . So that 's the only self - published book I could think of to put on this list . I know of other self - published books , but I couldn 't put them on my favorite list because I haven 't read them yet . Like one day , I 'm gonna get around to reading something by Amanda Hocking . Her name is like synonymous with self - publishing success . If you know of any good self - published books , let me know . I obviously need to broaden my horizons . So that 's my Top 5 Wednesday . What are your favorite self - published masterpieces ? Let me know in the comments below . If you want to join in on the Top 5 Wednesday fun , you totally should . Each Wednesday is a new topic to consider and enjoy . Check out all the other Top 5 Wednesday - ers here ! Amy works at Orsk , but don 't go to her if you want a happy Orsk employee story . She 's just working there until she decides what she wants to do next . Weird things have been happening at her store . Every morning , employees walk in to find broken furniture , dirty furniture , and broken odds and ends . This Orsk location is losing money and the big wigs want to know why . When Amy is approached by Deputy Manager Basil with a proposition , she 's suspicious . Amy 's not Basil 's biggest fan . She 's pretty sure Basil is just looking for a chance to fire her . Basil has been put under a lot of stress to find out what 's going on at the store between closing and opening hours . Basil asks Amy to work a dusk - til - dawn shift with him and Ruth Anne to find out just what is going on at Orsk . My Thoughts : I flew through this one so fast and had such a good time reading it . It was fun and had this weird , creepy edge to it . I wasn 't expecting the brand of creepy that it introduced . I knew it was supposed to be a scary / haunted house type book , but it was more scary weird than I expected . This was a lot of fun . One thing that I 've come to expect from Quirk Books is really cool designed reads . Reading one is an experience . All the added design extras just make the books that much more fun to read . I wasn 't necessarily the biggest fan of our main character Amy . She wasn 't a happy person from the start and just has this way of disliking people for no real reason . She has this beef with Basil , the deputy manager , and I think she just dislikes him because he 's slightly younger than her and a deputy manager . From what I saw of Basil , he seemed like a nice guy that was kind of looking out for Amy . So yeah , Amy wasn 't my favorite character ever . I also enjoyed all the little hidden extras in the story . I loved the showcasing of Orsk furniture at the start of each chapter and the subtle changes as the story goes on . I also found it funny how each item number contained a 666 . Those were just fun , little extras . I also enjoyed the scary story told in this book . It was different than what I was expecting ; more disturbing , scary , and weird . I very much enjoyed it . I think the odd scariness elevated the story a little . It was just a fun weird and I enjoyed it . This one is very twisty , turn - y , and mysterious . I 've really been enjoying it . It 's about this girl named Rory Miller who is targeted and attacked by a serial killer . It 's a killer who has been on the loose for years and has never been caught . Rory manages to get away and alerts the police , but of course the killer has flown the coop . Rory and her family aren 't safe anymore , so the FBI puts them in witness protection . Their new cover places them on this idyllic coastal / island town . The only two ways on the island are by boat or by ferry . This island isn 't exactly as it seems though . There is no internet or cell reception on the island . They 've entered a dead zone , with no way to get in touch with any friends or family . And Rory has attracted the interest of the popular kids on the island for reasons unbeknownst to her . Uncovering this island 's secrets is going to be Rory 's next mission . This book is soooo fun to read . It 's really fast - paced and quick , and the mystery just has me guessing . There 's this mysterious / eerie sort of vibe that runs through the whole book , and I 'm just really enjoying it . It 's the first book in a trilogy and I 'm definitely going to be picking up the others ASAP , so I have them when I finish this one . At this point , I 'd definitely recommend this for a read . So that 's what I 'm Reading Right Now ! Tell me what you 're reading . Or if you 've read this book , tell me your thoughts on it . Posted by Summary : When Joe Ledger kills a terrorist , he sure doesn 't expect to get attacked by that same terrorist later in the week . Joe is yanked from his life and job , and is recruited to join a special organization called DMS , whose main goal is to protect the security of America from the living , and as of now , the dead . Joe and his special team of operatives must find and neutralize a group of terrorists who plan on releasing a zombie pathogen on the American population . Patient Zero is full of action , adventure , and sends thrills and chills to readers now imagining the horrors of zombies and terrorists . I feel like I misled myself on this book because I went into it expecting a full blown , zombie novel , and while it did contain some of the zombie mayhem that I love , it also contained a lot more . This novel wasn 't just a zombie novel , it also contained military , terrorists , action , thrills , intense fight scenes , and secret government organizations . This is not a zombie novel , instead it is an intense thriller that shows the horrors that could ensue if terrorists ever got their hands on dangerous disease pathogens and tried to unleash them on the American populace . Terrorists using zombies as a weapon of mass destruction is terrifying . It was hard for me to connect with Joe Ledger sometimes . Throughout the majority of the novel , he was a little too macho man for me . Also , he seemed to have no problem jumping into this secret organization and leading a team , which he had never done before . I also questioned his ability to figure things out so quickly . Joe Ledger seems to be more superhuman than the mortal guy he 's supposed to be . Those were my only issues with the story . I thoroughly enjoyed the rest of it , even though military thriller books aren 't my go to reads . Fandoms are so much fun . Knowing you love a book , tv show , video game , and knowing there are other people out there that you can gush about it with is just so satisfying . This Top 5 Wednesday is all about our Top 5 Favorite Fandoms ( books , tv , movie , etc ) I 'm not sure I have a full five , but I 've definitely got a couple to talk about ! ! 5 . The Gone Series by Michael Grant : I love this series . It was so much fun to read and experience . Pure craziness in books . I also had a couple friends that I could gush about this series with . It might not be the biggest fandom I 'm involved in , but maybe that 's what makes it the most special . I really felt like a true fan instead of one of those people that just jumps on the bandwagon because it is popular . I also recommend this series to anyone and everyone because I want them to experience the pure awesome that it is . 4 . Hart of Dixie : I love this show so much . Got sucked into it one day while scrolling through Netflix and wasn 't able to escape until I watched every season on there . Then I would go on twitter and tweet while the 4th season was playing on the CW . Sadly , it got canceled , but I love it so much . My friends and family can attest to how wrapped up I got in this show . And also just Wade , so cute . If you would like to gush over this show with me , you can watch all 4 seasons on Netflix . It 's a perfect sort of romantic comedy show that 's just a lot of fun . It will make you want to move down south and find your own Bluebell , Alabama . 3 . Pirates of the Caribbean : These movies kickstarted my obsession with pirates . This was something that I could gush over with my friends and was just so much fun to watch . I 'm excited for the 5th movie coming out eventually . Hopefully it can capture the magic of the other ones and they can bring back some characters that I love . Also Jack Sparrow , Captain Jack Sparrow . 2 . The 100 : Love Love The 100 so much ! ! And this fandom is really fun to be a part of . It really just has hit it 's stride . It 's one of those fandoms that is passionate about the show and who they want to end up together on it . Sure there is some conflict over who should end up with who . And some fandom members can get a little mean with the fighting . But it 's so fun to live tweet during the show and just react to what 's happening together . Also Bellamy Blake is everything < 3 < 3 Season 3 premieres January 21st at 9 : 00 eastern . Mark it on your calendars . It 's been such a long , long wait . 1 . Harry Potter : This is the first fandom that I ever became a part of and it 's the fandom that I 'll be a part of forever . I grew up with Harry Potter . I became friends with kids who loved Harry Potter just as much as me . We went to the book releases , saw the movies together , gave each other Potter nicknames . Harry Potter will always hold a special place in my heart and was kind of a once in a lifetime sort of thing . It was so much fun discussing our theories as the books were coming out and just talking about books . Harry Potter will always be my number one . So that 's it for my Top 5 Favorite Fandoms this Wednesday . If you want to join in on the Top 5 Wednesday fun , you totally should . Each Wednesday there is a new topic to consider and enjoy . Check out all the other Top 5 Wednesday - ers here ! You might have noticed that my blog has been a little barren of new posts over the past couple weeks . That was because I went to visit family for Christmas and just was too lazy to schedule any posts . Yes , I am that time of person . Very very lazy . But I am back from Christmas and holiday visiting and am hoping to get back into the swing of things . Doing better with my posts and all that stuff . Being able to schedule posts is one of the best things ever . I think if that option wasn 't available to me , my blog would just be so so sad . I 'm also going to try and do better with my Top 5 Wednesday posts . Sometimes I just let those posts slip right past my mind . I enjoy doing them and just need to get better about posting them . Also , I 'm up for other ideas on what you 'd like to see on my blog . I have other hobbies and don 't know if you 'd want to see that on the blog . Tell me your suggestions . I also thought I 'd mention some of my other obsessions and stuff I 'm excited for in this post . First and foremost , The 100 is coming back for Season 3 on January 21 ! ! ! ! Less than 20 days until I get to watch it again . For those that don 't know , I 'm obsessed with this show . So anyway , January 21 at 9 : 00 pm eastern time needs to be added to your calendar . If you 've never heard of The 100 before and would like to watch the show from the beginning , Seasons 1 and 2 are on Netflix and they are awesome . Please consider checking the show out because I need more people to gush over it with . And join me on the Bellarke side . Because I 'm one of those people that television and Netflix just takes over their lives , I 've also been super obsessed with the show Person of Interest . I 've developed a little bit of a crush on John Reese . This show is soooo good . I 'm a little scared that it might get cancelled because Season 5 is only going to have 10 episodes and premiere later on in the season . I think I heard that it might come on in the summer , but I 'm not sure . It would really suck if it got cancelled just after I have become so obsessed with it . Watch this one on Netflix too . Soooo good and the first 4 seasons are on Netflix . Summary : The MK virus was one of the deadliest to hit the globe . It killed people all around the world and spread like wildfire . A race was on to find a cure , a vaccination against this deadly disease . When Praevenir hit the market , people lined up for the vaccination . It protected against the MK virus and that was all that mattered , who cares if it hadn 't gone through all the FDA tests . Then the side effects hit . Side effects that the world had never seen before . A small , small percentage of the population developed immunities such as : levitation , mind reading , illusions , and other powers . Ciere is an immune and she was blessed or cursed with the gift of illusion . Her immunity makes her a hunted target . The government wants to use her and her gift to their advantage . Ciere instead turns to a life of crime with her mentor Kit . Then the day comes when they become embroiled in something far bigger than they bargained for . My Thoughts : This was a good time . The whole concept was really cool and fun . I love anything and everything with super powers , and super powered criminals are even better . This was a fast - paced , fun adventure and I really enjoyed reading it . In a way , this kind of felt to me like a distant relative of one of my favorite books Vicious . I felt like I was getting to experience the lives of people with special abilities that Eli hadn 't managed to kill yet . Yeah , I liked this and with that ending , I definitely want the sequel soon . One thing that did drive me crazy at first was having no idea how to pronounce the main character 's name . I hate that feeling of seeing this weird name that I have no hope of pronouncing right . It bothers me . Especially when it 's a name that I can 't figure out on my own . Ciere was that name for me . I actually googled it to figure out how to say it , and I 'm so glad that I did . For anyone else with the same hangup as me , it 's supposed to be pronounced like Sierra minus the a . Super powers are always a win . And I really liked the development of the characters . It was interesting to see villains morph into people I didn 't hate , some I even rooted for . I am interested to hear more about Daniel in the next book . I wish I could have seen him with Kit and Ciere before he got separated , just so I could gauge what their relationship was like . They might be criminals , but they were also a family .
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So satisfied with himself for sort of holding up his own head while sitting in his Bumbo seat . So ridiculous I crack up every time I see this photo ! ! I mean , really ! It 's verging on too much hilariousness . Babies are surely the greatest invention of the whole round human race . So delicious that it 's amazing we don 't eat them up for real . I must get asked this question at least 4 times a week . The first person who asked it was asking when our little baby boy was only 2 weeks old ! " Of course he 's not ! " I answered . Had he been sleeping through the night at 2 weeks of age , I would have been ripping my hair out wondering what was wrong . According to every book I read about infants and sleep , he won 't be physically or mentally prepared to sleep through the night until he 's about 4 months of age . This is universally accepted from the rigid Baby Wise to the attachment parenting guru , Dr . Sears . So ? Why am I being asked this question about my 8 week old ? About 4 nights ago , our Lucky Crane slept for a full 6 hours . I , however , have not gotten 6 hours of full sleep since he was born . For the last 2 hours of that 6 hour stretch , I laid on the couch next to the pram , dozing and waiting for him to wake with my huge aching breasts , telling myself not to worry and NOT to wake the sleeping baby . We have adapted pretty well to the strange new parent sleeping cycle . I try to let Milton sleep through most of the feeding shifts because he has to have brains enough to work with during the day , whereas I can ( and often do ) take a two hour nap in the afternoon right next to the baby . The biggest physical problem I 've noticed in myself after a couple of months of sleeping in 2 hour bursts is that I 'm grinding my teeth quite a bit and spending a lot of my day with an aching jaw . I 'm hoping that my next acupuncture appointment can relieve some of that pressure . I know for a fact that quitting coffee would also relieve some pressure … but I 'm not sure how to do that just now . I tried to quit right after the birth , but was so plagued by the withdraw headache that I went right back to my cup in the morning and have not felt one ounce of guilt . This isn 't a huge problem , though , the headaches from coffee withdraw are far far worse than the occasional headache from my jaw being troublesome . I get a lot done in the middle of the afternoon and early evenings when our guy sleeps for long bursts . And I get a lot of cuddle sleepy times in between 6am and 10am , when we both wake and sleep in each other 's arms between bursts of cluster feeding . This has become one of my favorite times of the day ! I truly believe in breast feeding on demand , and feel very connected to him through this process . I kept in pretty good shape through my pregnancy ! I did yoga very regularly and walked everywhere . My eating habits are pretty darn good , too . But , still , I gained 35 pounds . 2o of that came off right away , and then 5 more were sweat into the bed in the first week or two after his birth . That was great ! I had never undergone such a physical change so quickly . There were days when I looked into the mirror and said things like , " I can 't believe I EVER thought I needed to lose a single pound before pregnancy ! " After all those weeks of growing bigger and BIGGER , I felt so tiny in those first weeks after labor and delivery . That said , my skinny feelings are over . Like , really over . Nothing fits . I have a closet full of pretty dresses that won 't zip over my anything . I have a shelf full of size 28 jeans that can barely fit around my ample thighs . It 's not horrible . It 's not earth - shattering . It 's certainly not a deep and meaty thing to talk about … but it I do feel a little disheartened . I am stoked to be a mom , but I want to be a hot mom ! I want to be a mom with something that resembles my old body . I realize that I 'll have a little bit of extra that requires me to wear my Spanks a little more often , but I at least want my dresses to zip . SO ! With all of this in mind , I have eaten my last almond croissant for a while and I am getting down to business with proper eating . I 'm sure that I 'll feel like eating the floor often enough , and I 'm also sure that I 'll let myself eat the floor since I am breast - feeding a boy who is above the 95th percentile for size … but the floor had better be made of whole grains , veggies , and lean proteins . No more fish and chips from Ivar 's , no more sneaking cookies , and no more rationalizing french toast for breakfast . To help my workouts , I have made a promise to myself to be more outdoorsy . We live in the Pacific Northwest , and this is absolutely stunning country . When I moved here , it was my intention to get more in touch with my love of nature . I had lost touch with the land after all of those years living in New York City ! It can 't be helped ! So I figured I 'd get back in touch with mother nature in the Olympics and the Cascades , no problem . Yet , I 've been here for two and a half years now and have only been on ONE single hike . It 's just hard to get moving in the great outdoors when you 're a total downtown dweller with no car . We made a date to head out to our first hike today with another girlfriend in tow ! It wasn 't a huge hike , but it was still a pretty impressive feat for our first time out . We hiked the trail to Rattlesnake Ledge , which is 4 miles , roundtrip , and about a 1200 foot elevation gain . Axelrod rode in his Ergo carrier , which is so perfect for longer walks . He fared pretty well ! I had to stop in the middle of the climb to nurse him . Once we got to the summit point , I changed him like a big brave hippie with all of these totally stunning views around us . Then , he lay there on the rock with us , wide eyed . He really loves being outside in the sunshine ! He gets so alert and I wonder just what he can see out there . He always cries when I pick him up to move to our next destination . I love that he can sit still and enjoy himself so much , and don 't take a moment of that peace for granted . On the way down the mountain , he got a little difficult and I figured out how to nurse him in his Ergo while hiking down the mountain . I felt very proud of myself , like the La Leche League should give me a special advanced nursing badge or something . And now ? I guess I 'm fully a PNW mom . I did learn a few things for our next hike . Like ! ? Maybe I should have had pants and booties on the baby to keep his little legs and feet away from all of those mosquitos . And maybe I should have brought a banana with me , because I sure wanted one . Maybe I should have brought a little pad for him to lay on ( though laying on the Ergo seemed to make him happy enough ) . But we did a pretty good job , and boy am I ever tired tonight . I bought a new dress , dictated outfits for Milton and Axelrod ( they only rolled their eyes at me a little ) , and hopped up the street to the salon I work in to ( finally ) get my legs waxed earlier in the week . The day of the wedding , I even had my makeup done at VAIN ! Thank goodness it 's only a few blocks away and my girl Belinda can work fast on under eye circles . The bride walked down the asile to Spiritualized 's Ladies and Gentlemen We are Floating in Space and I about crumpled in a thousand romantic tears . I even missed the perfect shot of her walking down the aisle because I was just so overwhelmed taking in the beauty of it all . Admittedly , it doesn 't take much to set me off these days . All anybody ever needs to make me cry is a mix of love , family , and gorgeous music … add some pretty dresses on a sublime Pacific North - West day and a couple making a life - long commitment to each other and I am done for ! Sadly , the little vintage romper that our little boy is sporting barely fit his baby flub ! I had to leave his zipper partly undone . I 'm so glad he got to wear it out once ! He 's growing out of his adorable duds way too quickly . Between the both of us being so chubby , I don 't know how I 'll ever keep up with finding outfits that work . I have to admit ! I made one big fat mothering mistake with our outfit planning . I couldn 't find a dress that I liked that was good for nursing . Milton and I figured that we could just bring a few bottles to the wedding with us . I don 't mean to sound cold when telling you that I choose fashion over nursing , but the boy doesn 't really have a problem taking bottles from his dad in the middle of the day or in the evening when I go to the gym ! But , apparently ! nothing but a boob will do for his 6 - 8pm bedtime witching hours . Now we know ! I spent a good portion of the wedding reception in the bathroom with my pretty dress around my waist and my baby at my breast . For days before the appointment , as we looked at our baby who seems to grow larger during every nap , Milton and I would ask each other , " How much do you think he weighs now ? " We took bets . Fourteen pounds max was the general consensus . Well ? Our baby exceeded our fattest expectations ! He weighed in , perfectly naked , at a whopping 14 pounds and 7 ounces ! He is 24 . 25 inches long . He is above the 95th percentile for both height and weight . On our way out of our midwife office , we met another baby who is 6 months old . My 6 week old outweighs her by over a pound ! Can you imagine ? No wonder my back already aches from his sling ! In other news , our midwives were surprised to note that my abdominal muscles have already magically closed back together . This means that I can get back to spinning and all of those other terrible classes that I LOVE going to the gym to take . Which means that maybe someday I 'll lose this 10 pounds of mom fat …. ( but that 's a whole ' nother entry ) . Please don 't crucify me for admitting this to the public at large , but I was a little worried all through my pregnancy that I wouldn 't bond with our baby . It 's not that I didn 't want to be a mother … getting pregnant and extending our family was something I worked pretty hard at doing for a while . From making sure I was healthy in every possible way to making sure I was somewhat financially sound before walking down the road to parenthood - I planned everything . The thing is , I planned everything on a suspicion . I suspected that becoming a mother might be a good step for me as a woman . I suspected that having a child would be a great experience for Milton and me . But like so many other times in my life , my faith was constantly questioning . Would I be good enough for this guy ? Would I love him enough ? Clean our house enough ? Engage with him enough ? I even wrote to Milton in the middle of my pregnancy with worries that I would leave him with the baby , trotting back east to resume my selfish city girl high life because I just couldn 't take the parental heat . I was worried that I would be one of those women who just didn 't connect with their babies . Maybe I worried because having a baby was never a really concrete part of my life plan . Maybe I worried because I have a hard time keeping up with my own business , much less the business of someone else . Maybe I worried because I was so free and easy with abusing my body and burning the party candles at both ends for so many years that I wondered if I could really , REALLY be a responsible parent . For whatever reason , I really worried about taking the heat and giving this guy the responsibility he deserved . Being a responsible parent , to me , means being a loving parent . Babies beg for love . The children , teenagers , and adults they grow into beg for love . Parental love is the first love any of us can beg to get . If you care for a child , you are responsible for fulfilling all of that child 's needs , especially the need for love . I wondered if I could possibly have enough love in me to put up with the spit , the diapers , the plastic baby gear , the aching back , the sleepless nights , or the belly that would lay beside me like a sad puppy after pregnancy . I figured , if I can adapt to these MAJOR life changes , maybe I could hack my way through the other many years of parenthood . Today , I am happy to report that I woke up on the second morning of our child 's life , after going through the shock of childbirth and the barely remembered haze of his first 24 hours , and saw my baby 's face in the first morning 's light . He looked like such a sweet little buddha laying there , stirring in his swaddle and newborn cap ! I felt a surge of LOVE that I couldn 't believe , referred to him as Mr . Snugglepants , and kissed him all over his beautiful face . So , I 've been waiting and waiting for my newest nursing tanks to arrive in the mail . I 've been using Bravado tanks since he was born , but only ordered 2 of them . Two tanks and one nursing bra ? Yeah . 3 options are not enough for me . Wanna know why ? WELL ! I just got the tanks from Glamourmom in the mail this morning . I tried them on and I like them OK , but they 're not perfect . I can see the nipple cut out contour through the fabric and I really don 't like lines . So I thought , I 'll think about this for just a minute . I was torn between sending them back and ordering more Bravado tanks or just keeping them because I 've been waiting SO long and the lines aren 't totally terrible . I mean , I usually wear a cardigan or vest of some sort with my nursing tanks , anyhow . I also thought I should try them out with some different breast pads to see how that looked . So , I looked around the house for some breast pads , and then my kid started to squirm and squeak in his bouncy seat . So I looked at my kid , and wow , he is SO SO cute . Can you believe this cuteness ? I am just beside myself with baby joy when I look at this guy … Milk everywhere . Breast pads are no where to be found . This top is going straight into the wash and staying in my wardrobe because there are no longer any other options . And this is how nursing is going for me ! My fountain runnith over . My faucets are constantly ON . The tiny breasts that enjoyed so many lusty summers flying perky and free under scant , flimsy silk tops and camis have become mountains of femininity . I can now make pornographic cleavage out of a rack that once only enjoyed a small " woopsie " when part of the package popped cutely out of my itsy bitsy tini wini . I have been trying and trying to go without breast pads all week because these fountains of mine are supposed to regulate by now … but , seriously , I don 't know if the fountain is ever going to stop . I pumped yesterday after yoga because Milton feeds our dude with a bottle when I go to the gym . My breasts were so soft when I was done that I could 've sworn that I wouldn 't leak … but leak I did , just 5 minutes later . And , honestly , I don 't have to look at my kid 's cuteness in order to spring a leak . I am pretty sure that Savasana is an oxytocin inducing wonder because I run from class three times a week with two sand dollar sized circles on my tank . I 've even started bringing my cardigan into the yoga studio so that I can cover up as soon as the lights go on after class . UPDATE : While I was finishing this entry , Axelrod woke up . I nursed him . I was then spit up on in rivulets half a dozen times while still wearing this same tank . If any of you pregnant girls out there were to ask me , " How many nursing tanks should I get ? " my answer would be , " As many as you can afford , if your breasts and your kid are going to be anything like mine . " With the exception of our nursing and napping enabler , the marvelous iPad , we 're both super sensitive to baby gear . Most of it is junk . I see it in the store and immediately visualize it in a landfill . It 's pretty much all badly made molded plastic crap , and much of it requires a batteries . Gross . I cringe at the use of even a disposable water bottle or plastic shopping , so you can imagine how all of this other stuff makes me feel . I tried to get around the baby gear issue by only registering for very few things and buying vintage . The furniture I bought to house Axelrod 's little onesies and pajamas is midcentury stuff that matches all the blonde wood we have in our space , refinished a little with some fabric that will eventually translate well into his own room ( someday , someday ! ) . Our pram is a fantastic mid - 70s vintage . We co - sleep when he 's not in the pram , and hope to totally avoid ever owning a crib . The little books and toys we 've gotten for him are stashed in bins on the blonde wood shelves . The big , amazing , SUV style BOB stroller is the big item in one of our only big closets . The ugly Graco infant seat was my one plastic concession in our living room , along with a vibrating chair that is on loan from another family . We found that we could strap him into the car seat and rock the seat with our foot , creating a swing effect , OR put him in the vibrating chair . They both work , depending on his mood . I thought it 'd hold out through the infant swing phase nicely . He 's generally not a fussy guy . He doesn 't cry unless he has a really good reason . He cries when he 's hungry . He fusses when his diaper needs changing . He cries when he has gas . The thing is , that whole gas issue ? Yeah . That happens a LOT . He 's always working something out , be it a man sized burp or a series of charming farts . He grunts and pushes and cries . I can 't blame him . Digestion issues are the devil . We use a little Gripe water from time to time , but this stuff certainly doesn 't put him down for a nap , hands free . The thing about infants is that they get all worked up . They 're happy and gorgeous and smiling , and then something will happen to tip the scales and you could be looking down a rocky road for the next few hours of family peace . It 's not that he screams , really . We are very fortunate to not have a baby with colic . He just fusses . He grunts . He squeaks . He squirms . If it goes on for two long , the scales get tipped and his head gets all messy and refuses to sleep . You 've got to reset that baby brain with some white noise and swinging to lull him off to sleepy time , thereby lulling yourself off to some precious sleepy time . For us , the worse time is in the morning . It starts to happen any time from 4am to 6am and can sometimes ( luckily not often ) last until 2pm . He starts to get gassy and he starts with the grunting and the squeaking . Sometimes , this makes for parental shambles for the whole rest of the day . A baby who nurses at midnight , 2 , and 4 and then decides to be mostly awake until late morning or early afternoon makes for a parent who is trying to survive the day on only 2 hours of sleep . Exhaustion makes everything worse . We will start to snip at each other and argue about areas where we generally feel peaceful . That 's not a pretty way for new parents to go ! Enter … my bratty foot stomping insistence on buying a baby swing . I was lucky to have the backup of my mother and sister - in - law on the swing front . They were all visiting - Milton was uncertain of this ugly plastic monstrosity , but it 's rather hard to argue in the face of so many mothers . Our family needed a swing - it was decided . We headed to a local baby gear consignment shop and put our fussy baby into some of the ugliest swings I 've ever seen to test them out . In the end , Milton and I decided to come away with the cheapest one . His sister used the same model for her little girl , and it worked for her , that was good enough reason for us ! We bought it and brought it home . My mother sent me to bed for a much needed nap and commanded absolute silence from my very young sisters and step - father . She scrubbed the swing while I slept . It now looks practically new and now doesn 't have that sweetly rancid other - people 's - baby smell that I associate with day care centers and baby consignment shops . Phew . Today is the first day we 're getting to test the swing . His little head flops around a little in it , so I 've got him supported with an adorable purple elephant that a good friend of ours knit . I put him in that swing when he was grunting , squeaking , and badly in need of a nap … and he went down for the count . After 10 minutes , I moved him to his pram for a proper sleep and breathed a sigh of relief . The swing will go right back to that consignment shop in a few months . Our living room will look worse for the wear in the meantime , but we three will get some sleep in the meantime . We 've learned that a sleepy baby by day means a sleepy baby by night … so I don 't doubt he 'll be lulled to many naps in this thing . It 's family week in our household ! My folks are visiting with my two very much younger sisters . Milton 's sister , niece , and mum will be here on Saturday ! We will also be visited by an illustrious " uncle " on Saturday . We are settling a sort of routine here . The Witching Hour is real and very much so upon us . Thankfully , we don 't have a baby with colic ! We just have a gassy baby . He needs to be burped multiple times after each feeding . The only times he really cries are when he either needs to spit up or nurse , so it 's easy at this point to figure out how to soothe him . The nurse cry is very distinct from the spit cry . The nurse cry is a helpless wail . Upon hearing it , my breasts wail right along with him , sometimes messing the floor , my shirt , or ( very often ) my infant 's face . The gas cry , on the other hand , involves a whole lot of grunting and squeaking between frustrated cries . I like to equate the gas cry with my pregnancy digestion issues . If only I could stuff 5 Papaya Enzyme pills into our dude 's mouth and call it a day instead of trying , often without success , to catch every stream of spit up that projects out from his mouth . The biggest familial loss to the gas grunt and squeak is that of the sleep variety . He seems to go down pretty well between 11 and 4 , waking once for a feeding . After 4 he sleeps for a while , but spends most of this sleep time grunting and squeaking on and on and on . As he sleeps right between us , there 's not much I can do to get sleep myself . Too much noise from him fakes me into thinking he 's wanting to nurse too often . There 's a part of me that thinks this grunting and squeaking might cut co - sleeping off a little early … and there 's a part of my heart that would just break to have to put him down without us . He sleeps much better cuddled up to his mom or his dad . Milton has just gone against my wishes and woken Axelrod up . He seems to think he can soothe him after a 3 hour nap without a boob , but my boobs know better . I gotta go ! I 'm afraid I haven 't been keeping up with my baby blogging since our guy was born ! I admit to having been busy . It seems that the usual time it takes to get anything done must be multiplied by 10 when you are caring for an infant . Whereas my afternoons at home prior to baby - time would see me cleaning the house , playing dress up , going to a yoga class , blogging , drinking wine , etc … my afternoons now are a great success if I can see the house clean , get the dishes done , do the laundry , bathe , bathe our son , find clothes that fit me ( impossible ) , find clothes that fit our son , and go for a walk . All this happens only with 50 % of the effort coming from my husband , who is a champion . Honestly , I don 't understand how single moms do this job ! I have a lot of posts in my head about lots of baby related things . Maybe , at some point , I 'll get some of the posts out . For now , I 'm leaving the bulk of family blogging up to my husband . He is keeping a blog under our son 's domain , where he writes a little bit about our baby 's firsts , every day . We decided to keep this blog password protected because there 's no telling what our small fry is going to think about internet privacy issues in the future . Milton and I are obviously pretty open people … . you wouldn 't have to look very hard to uncover our real names - and once you had those you would find a couple of professional blogs , hobby blogs , even private journal blogs that were started long , long ago . You would find open Facebook profiles and profiles to every other social networking site that ever got popular . But , there comes a time when you have to ask yourself how your son will feel when his first girlfriend googles his name and finds old entries about his baby acne online . As we don 't know just how self - conscious he 'll feel , we 've decided to keep his personal logistics a little bit separate . Currently , our little man is wrapped snug in his Moby Wrap across my tummy . He seems happiest when he 's being worn . He 'll sleep for a good long strapped to our chests and bellies while while we take him for walks or eat out at a restaurant . Today is the first day I figured out the Moby well enough to sit in front of the computer with it . Baby wearing is a plus for both of us . Milton loves dading him down ; I love moming him down . Sometimes we argue a little about who gets to have the baby wearing fun . It 's a beautiful thing to have a warm little snugglepants snuzzler so close to your heart . Of course his # 1 favorite thing , ever , is breast feeding . I must say , it 's also my # 1 favorite thing . No matter how much it exhausts me ( especially when he hit his 3 week growth spurt , geez ! ) , I am thankful for all that special face time with my boy . It 's a pretty wonderful thing to be such a provider for someone you love in such an epic way . I 'll report more very soon ! Axelrod is 11lbs , 9ozs ( ! ! ! ! ! ! ) , and has been social smiling since week two ( GENIUS ) . I am honestly trying not to miss any of this miraculous process . I don 't want to forget a thing , which means that I might remember a good 50 % if I try real hard . About us Our future baby 's due date is May 8th , 2010 . It 's time for us to figure out what we need to know . Which is a lot . How to read this site When I started reading pregnancy and early parenting blogs , I always wanted to start at the beginning , because that 's where I was . I would recommend reading from the beginning , in chronological order . Here 's a link to get you started .
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However if the other option means being a " worm " for the rest of my life . Forget it . I do not want to be abused anymore , looked down on or trashed . I would rather be alone . A friend today told me that I am going to lose my entire family given the path I am going down , and she said , " Do you want to be alone ? " I answered , " Yes I would rather be alone . " Does that shock some here ? I am being punished for my " rebellion " against the head narc . The smear campaigns are worse then I ever imagined they were . For years I suspected I was hated and disliked even by the ones who smiled in front of me . Well the veil got ripped off a few more recently . How could I explain to outsiders , that I had to go " no contact " with my entire family without them thinking I was the crazy one ? Fellow Adult children of narcissists who have had to deal with a sociopath 's destruction of their life do understand . I told you the story about the aunt , where my only sin , was to ask , " Why did you lie to me about sending pictures and what is the big deal about sending them ? " She called a second time , with odd things to present , saying " Are you going to swim in the lake ? " over and over . I live near a lake . It does not mean I am rich , but she fixated on it like mad . I had written her cards after an illness and talked to her on the phone a few times though I mostly spoke with her mother and we got along well , or so I thought . The way she said it , it almost sounded like a threat like when mafiosos talk about going to swim with the fishes . She was extremely hostile and angry . She went into this litany about how disabled people are all bums , and basically told me I am a " lazy ass " who can sit in the house all day . " I see these disabled bums at counters hanging out here ! " and screamed about how she has had to work hard all her life " All I do is f * * cking work ! " and how great I had it laying around the house all day , by a lake . The jealousy was extreme and psycho . I should have hung up . Add two more to the NC list ! I stood up for myself but then she went off topic screaming about how the rest of the family had cast her away . I told her this was wrong . She is a poor factory worker and did not achieve their social standing either . Funny , I doubt she was screaming at any of the narcs . She too saw me as the target to unleash her anger out against . I reminded her that I had been around and asked her how she was after a work accident which quieted her down some . The odd thing is she screamed about my mother and how dare I question her too . She responded to me , " I don 't care about sides , your mother has plenty of pictures . " I retorted back , " How am I going to see those as I am no contact with her ? " This told me my mother had complete control and manipulation of these two from nearly a thousand miles away . I also suspected strong where all the attitudes about the disabled came from too . I could hear my mother 's voice , when she called me a " lazy ' and a " bum " for being disabled . Also one asks " What are they hiding to protect photos like they are in Fort Knox ? " Her calls will be screened and ignored now . I get the feeling she was sent as an enforcer of sorts , to shut me up for daring to question her mother even in the most minute of ways . This was ripping off of a veil of sorts in realizing these two who otherwise had been polite to me but defensive of my mother , hated my ever loving guts . I plan to go no contact with them . Our contact had been regular but they live far away . These were the relatives where the granddaughter of the mother of two had not invited me to her wedding . Before then I had no disputes , no nothing . I had not disagreed with them on anything either before outside of my aunt 's telling me , " Your mother loves you ! " Then my brother , ignored my birthday . First time ever for him . I don 't expect a grandstand band or even a card , but he would call or at least write on a social website always before . Recently I have noticed a pattern that every time he talks with my mother on the phone , he avoids me like the plague . This time to even ditch my birthday . I wrote him on a social website , and said , " Hey did you forget my birthday ? " so I got him to talk to me . I got the " I was busy " excuse , and he went on to tell me my mother was coming from out of state to visit him for the week . He told me , some of what she had told him , that she had sent me a big check - - never saw it and she told him she had drove by my apt building and seen my car there . She basically presented herself as the martyred ignored mother to him while telling him lies about sending me a large amount of money and other things . I told him " Do not believe her lies " . What else could I do ? Even there I know I will be thrown under the bus . He planned to come up this fall which tells me she is going down there instead to isolate me further and turn the 5 years since we have seen each other now into 6 - 7 years . I don 't know if I will end up going no contact with him but it is looking very probable . The relationship is on the edge . I will see if he stands up for me but I expect to be disappointed , he will choose the side his bread is buttered on . She poisons minds against me so effectively . I am realizing how bad the smear campaigns have been and for so many years . I am realizing how very hated I am beyond the pale . I am realizing many of them are horrible people with violent tempers . The cousin frightened me , I went into " Cool down the Crazy " social worker mode which I can slip into from my past work when I should have been hanging up the phone . I sometimes find myself having thoughts that these people want me to get back in line no matter what . I also know she is conducting smears against me behind the scenes to the extreme . I have to watch my back and I do not think I am paranoI suspected long ago this is what was going on , and now I know for sure it is . It is scary when you are forced to face such horrible things . I don 't have a family and never did . I am NC you know with 20 people now , two more just got added and one soon to be . I hope people can understand how extreme of a situation I have faced . Posted by One thing I have noticed is most fat activist announce they are feminists . They call themselves that on the Fattitude trailer . I am not a feminist as defined today . Yes I know the definitions have a wide range . Call it traditional Christian values interfering or whatnot contradicting with feminism . I won 't get into the personal religious reasons as to why I find modern feminism distasteful but will share with you my other reasons . Here is a caveat , I do not think men should lord over women . I do not agree with patriarchy movements . I do think fair pay , abuse shelters , property rights , voting and items like that are good things . The fact the Duggars keep their daughters at home for life unless they marry horrifies me . Maybe some would consider me a first wave feminist , or a 19th century one , but even extreme radical Andrea Dworkin if she came back from the dead would scream upon seeing some of the nonsense advocated by feminists today such as the legalization of prostitution or " sex work " . I used to read books about the 1960s , and how even though free sex reigned , the men still expected the women to cook and clean in the commune . Now women get to do double - shifts of cooking , taking care of the children , cleaning AND bringing home the bacon . When do they get a break ? The business world benefitted as both Mom and Dad had to work which meant lower wages and less family and personal time . Replacing Dad with the state just gave the state more power too . I believe feminism helped lower the quality of life for us all . However when I think of feminism , I think to myself " Ah that 's why my family was socially sanctioned in tossing a sick Aspie into the sink or swim streets ! " " Ah this is why my father treated me more like a man because I was not traditionally pretty ! " I was told to become a nun by my family . I was told I never would marry . My mother 's best friend who was a lawyer nun , who later scaled up the career ladder to great heights , was held up as someone for me to emulate . She advocated for female priests and was an extreme feminist . Liberalism in the classic sense didn 't rule my household , but whatever politics served their interests and their interests were in treating me like a proto - man , problem was I wasn 't a man . I was a girl and needed some protection and love and didn 't get it . Years ago you could have called me a feminist . I read Ms . magazine for years . I thought about women 's rights . I was on the outlook for sexists . I had the women studies class and did the Take Back the Night marches . However I was less protected as a result of feminism . I got sexually harassed at a job . I got jumped on the streets . I got out into the ever - gloried career world and realized the promises of empowerment were a joke . I was cleaning toilets in other people 's houses . I was cooking meals at the group home and dusting it 's beat up furniture . I spent my 20s taking care of OTHER people 's children instead of my own . Feminism screwed me . Girls in my mid - sized town in high school were raised to get married young and now everyone I went to school with is a grandmother , and have big families of their own . This includes a friend from high school who now has two daughters , a son and several grandchildren . She got pregnant at 17 while I was a freshman in college and I remember she was devastated but who ended up with a better path ? Careers don 't hug you at night , and if you are not a big whig especially in this economy , jobs don 't build a life . The personal side of life was ignored for false carrot - stick chasing dreams of " you need to have a great career ! " . The Baby Boomers especially for Generation X , advertised this path as being the happier one . For many it was not . Women need relationships , and connection . This is ignored in our society . All feminism means to me is that women got to trade husbands for bosses . One traded the admitted tedium of housework , and childcare for the tedium of the workplace . Sure some richer or upper middle class women may see jobs as " empowering " but for most it means they are beholden to bosses who may be less kind then husband or less personally invested in you . There is a reason that Gloria Steinem and pals seem to live in a fantasy world of flex time and jobs that make 6 plus figures while advocating this as a lifestyle for all women . Why should women for so many years been made to feel ashamed of staying home and being housewives ? I have had these discussions with very close friends in my 40s , and one even managed to achieve some career success and we have talked among ourselves that the promises of feminism were a total bag of hot - air . What does women 's lib mean if you are sitting and staring at a wall alone on a Saturday night ? I got married kind of late , and only barely escaped Selma and Thelma spinisterhood . Being disabled in the feminist world where you are unable to be defined by your " career " too is another loss . What gets me about feminists is they seem to just want to load on all the work and responsibility of men onto women . I don 't think women should fight in combat , and that we are not emotionally or otherwise set up for that . It sickens me that now we will have women on the battlefield who will be expected to be hard like men . What is wrong with women being protected by men ? I think men should protect their women . I wasn 't protected or even treated like a girl in my FOO . Why did I have to prove myself to be manly ? Seriously I did . Why wasn 't I allowed to cry or be vulnerable or ask for any help ? How many young girls are being treated this way and told they are not allowed to have any " softness " to be acceptable ? How is this changing the men or their treatment of women ? Realities are denied by feminists . The whole you can earn the bacon and fry it up in the pan , thing denies that time for human beings is a limited thing . I have read more women are staying at home who can afford to . I am glad . They know quality of life and time with their children counts . I wish many weren 't forced to work tedious too low paid jobs . Now working class and poor women have always had to work but when they ripped the stability of family life away , they gave the bosses and corporations more power to direct their lives . There was less of a safety net for all . It made life more of a solitary venture with less back - up . I remember when early feminists used to protest objectification of women , now that is worse then ever . Whatever happened to that ? Also feminism denies differences between men and women . Weren 't some of the differences why men and women were attracted to one another ? I tired of women always being presented as strong and independent . What if I don 't feel strong ? Why does every heroine in every novel have to be capable of flying airplanes or building houses from scratch ? In the Victorian era , women could cry and faint , now we have to all act like studs without a tear in our eye to earn our feminist street cred of being an empowered , strong , independent woman ! Feminism was supposed to make things better for women , but from what I have seen since the days of the bra - burners in the 1960s is life has gotten far more oppressive and hard for women . Elderly friends of mine who raised their families in the 60s and 70s , told me life was far far simpler for women . They told me their daughters [ all at work ] while disabled me was at our book and writing clubs , all had far harder lives with no time for anything including fun . Pitting the sexes against each other is just making everyone more miserable . I too wonder why feminism and fat activism go hand in hand . What is floating that boat ? Aren 't 50 % of the fat male ? Why are they being cut out to serve liberal agendas ? Language warning on this one . Ollie Matthews is an ACON who talks about having faced narcissistic abuse and moving on from the Narc abusers . While as a Christian I wish the language was a bit cleaner , him sharing his experiences has helped me a lot . It has told me I am not the only one who has faced these things . He has many other good videos , check those out . He does advocate going no contact which is advice I agree with . Posted by I like the discussion of cultural displays of fat people in Fattitude but we see the usual media controllers on fat like Marilyn Wann including in this film . I agree with people avoiding body shame and low self esteem , but you know there is that other side , where I have said , someone needs to stand up about what is being done to our health in our toxic society . I am glad she hasn 't drank the extreme size acceptance Kool - Aid and is trying to eat healthy . Her attitude in this video is a good one , I agree with what a lot she has to say . I hope this young fat woman can go on and have a family and be far healthier . Posted by Another blast from the past where one could eat rich food like lard [ a food I definitely avoid ! ] and not grow ultra - obese like now ! This could be a mock - up , but if you read books from the old days or seen old cookbooks , you know they used lard in many things . Posted by Yes there is some heavy stuff here , but I am making sure to also take time for fun and focusing on interests and more . Undoing years worth of stuff is hard but happiness can still be found among all the rest of it . As I get older , I am enjoying birdwatching and nature , my stamp collection also is going well . I 'm still working on comics too . One hopes and prays for open vistas ahead . : ) She won herself having her story told on this blog , anonymously of course . Fellow scapegoats can understand this destruction of the soul that cuts through the entire family via narcissists . Dismissed , ignored , some do it double - faced like this aunt and Aunt Denial , and others do it more direct . As I said it could be NC with almost the entire family the way this is going . The me of today can 't tolerate their disrespect , lies and wickedness . What gets me is none of them seem to have any attachment . I have noted that having any attachment , feeling of nostalgia or feelings in general makes you an outliner in their crowd . I got two more " corporate " birthday cards from Spider and Mini - Me . One said on it , " Whatever Makes You Happy " on the front . She used to say that to me in a sarcastic fashion so I knew what the card meant . The keeping up of appearances counts for everything . She can tell everyone , " I sent her a card ! " Post script : The cousin called me up yelling at me , for leaving message on the answering machine - - " Don 't talk to my Mom that way anymore , you need to stay buddies and pals " , and wouldn 't let me get a word in edgewise and hanging up on me . " You can keep in touch or not . " That sounds rather flippant . She sounds like another defender of narcs . Well I am not . I just let her hang up on me and let it go . I said my piece . I never cussed her mother out or even said one insult word , just " Why ? " and " I do not like being treated like trash " . What kind of " buddy " treats you this way or makes excuses for your abusers ? I do think they are keeping a huge secret from me . It is either the adoption thing or something else . I am treated so oddly . Even my husband has told me he is deeply concerned over the strangeness of the treatment . He says " None of it makes sense " and the way they treat me is absolutely horrible . He says one thing he has noticed is how none of them ever can admit a mistake and they always say they are right no matter what . What you feel and say doesn 't even reach them . They treat me like I am absolutely nothing . I know everyone in any contact with my mother has been poisoned against me . The depths of the poisoning are extreme beyond what I even have discussed on this board . My suspicions I am adopted are even stronger . They are hiding something else if not that from me . I have known something has been hidden for years . I used to tell therapists " Something is wrong , I can 't lay my finger on " . She labeled me the throwaway and tossed me over board . She convinced others , that I was not worthy of even the most basic attention , notice , love , or decent treatment . For years I lapped up the crumbs of whatever I could get . I owe nothing to these people anymore . No loyalty , nothing . I feel in a strange place lately . I find myself thinking " Can I get a new improved life ? " " Can I be happy where I wake up smiling ? " I have brief glimpses of light on the horizon . Sometimes I smile and think of what things could be . I pray to God for financial security , and to survive and for one day to belong somewhere . My days are more peaceful being NC , but I have to admit , none of this easy , you overthrow the old order . I have left Jim Jones narc land , and the brainwashed cult members are pissed . You take out the trash and see the empty can sitting there and think " Now what ? " Thank God I have my husband and my friends . So many years in narc darkness , so old now coming out into the light . So many years being told and shown by these people I was nothing . Closed doors , closed minds from hell , where one could scream and shout and nothing new could enter in . The days of cast down eyes , and listening to their self - elevating babble and excuses are over . The prisons they tried to lock me in were so extreme . I have to be done with them . I 'm walking away from MORE of them . My mother took my father 's family away too . Posted by It shrunk my bad leg down by quite a bit , the changes are noticeable right from the start and even my good leg , went down by a lot . I am noticing I have " lumps " on my legs which can come with lipedema , there is a big one on my good leg even . I have used this two days , and done each leg on alternating days . Bad leg on even days , and good one on odd days ? The sessions are 70 minutes . My husband has to strap the leg things on for me . The hardest part is the positioning and I 'm slow at puzzles so trying to figure out where the parts go is the toughest , but I figure once I am used to it , we will have it going well . It feels like a massage , I like the feeling of it . Yesterday I peed a lot and think it has stimulated the lymphatic system in a good way ! I lost some , but remember with me , I have to fight NOT to gain weight . It 's always hard to know what is water lost or gained too , you know ? I told her , I just want to see a 4 as the front number again . My goals for the nutritionist was to up the nutritional factor , get more practical food ideas , deal with the serious nutritional deficient and NOT gain any more weight . Even if you are lipedemic , you still should try and control what " fat weight " you can . We do not remove fat the same way as other people either . Our fat cells are not normal . I suppressed the calories to around 1800 a day on average . I am eating a bunch more vegetables and fruits . 1800 is the lowest that can be managed . The guy who said 1200 is crazy . Hey I will do it , if they invent a drug to kill hunger pain that isn 't eating . LOL I know my hunger levels are not normal . Do any of you know a way to kill hunger pain that isn 't dangerous ? Yes I drink water and often wait the 20 minutes but it can come crawling back . My body drives me crazy with it 's constant demands . There are hours a day being dedicated to it 's maintenance . What other choice do I have ? I 'm writing down everything I eat too . I eat a lot of foods people find weird . LOL . Qrunch burgers are good by the way . Try them out . Posted by I read " The Stand " years ago , it seems those who govern our nation don 't care if we get taken over by Ebola . I thought weeks ago why aren 't they limiting flights from Western African nations to keep this horrible disease out of our country ? Even African nations to protect themselves are shutting their own borders , but this one isn 't . Instead they are allowing it to spread world wide . Some " conspiracy " folks are saying they want it to spread a la Georgia Guidestones style . Others are saying it 's being used as something else to make people afraid and gain more control over them . Hey sometimes you wonder what is utter stupidity and what is planned . . . . . . Check this out . Would you want to go to a dinner party at this guy 's house ? Sorry that 's an invitation I 'd decline . American Ebola Patient Released I got this quote from RumblestripQ : Back stage pass to the sociopath Side show Grooming a child to believe that the child is the problem , and communicating that publicly , serves several purposes . One of which is that it discredits the child to other family members and friends of the family before the child ever stands up to abusive treatment . Which serves to insure that the abuser will never be questioned by other people . It is important for the controlling or abusive person to discredit the child in case the child ever tells or exposes the truth about the dysfunction in the family . Thanks MFan and Darlene Ouimet @ www . emergingfrombroken . com This quote helped me because I know this happened to me in my family . When I tried to discuss anything , it was like facing brick walls . My reputation with the majority had been destroyed in some insidious way . There is no fixing it either I tried . Even if you are a church attending peaceful person , totally free of drugs or alcohol with a clean record , trust me they can make dirt stick forever to you . After years of this the people are trained to do the narcissist 's biddings and to tune out and devalue everything you say . Many ACONs attest to this . It is a very hard feeling to even describe , this mode of never being listened to or even talking to people who may pretend , and then by their actions you were never heard . It hurts . One struggle an ACON can deal with is this forever invisibility they struggle with . I believe in my case , my mother 's sway over my relatives is extreme . If someone tells the world you are " crazy " for 40 plus years and nothing you say means anything , sadly sometimes the people listen instead of giving the person in doubt a chance . Malignant narcs know how to destroy a reputation with a look in their eye , a sneer on their lip and subtle cues , among their minions . Even to keep this person who is in charge " happy " , they don 't want to take the chance of offending them even if that means kicking you to the curb . It can be something very small too , like asking for some old pictures ! Our status is rendered so absolutely low in these family circles ! Run , Run , Run . Hey I went NC even thinking the homeless shelter would give me a lot more respect ! I 'm praying to God to take care of me . By the way , I figure I am dogmeat to the family and no longer care about trying to change their minds about anything . That job has been thrown in the trashcan for the eons . My self view has changed massively . Let the TV watching drones that claim they share DNA with me lie to themselves forever . All of my family friends and neighbors bought her tales of woe and martyrship at the hands of me being the forever disappointing weirdo daughter . I hope no other person is maligned for their physical disabilities or Aspergers . People I never even have talked before , would give me a jaundiced eye , if they happened to meet my mother first ! If you can swing it , never live in the same area of your narcissistic family or other relatives . I don 't want to even be in the same town as a flying monkey ! So one of the hardest things a scapegoat or better said EX - scapegoat who quit has to deal with is this feeling of being silenced and knowing nothing you say or do will convince these people ! One thing too , with many of them I did used to try to explain my side of things and was never believed . They were annoyed by me bringing up the past or even pulling up 2 hour old things . Even trying to be positive and show these people the best side of me - - a struggle but I tried , was an immense waste of time . I know if this blog is ever found by any relatives , she would tell them all I had " gone crazy " due to my recent medical diagnosis , and play herself off as the martyr with the " horrible daughter " . " I don 't know what she wanted from me ? " " I did everything I could for her ! " Hey the me of yesterday would have been SCARED to death to even have a blog like this . I would be absolutely petrified . Today I don 't care . These NC relationships are bombed out craters , nothing I could say or write could destroy them anymore . My Aunt Who Loved Me , did support me but sadly was too scared of her oldest sister to say much in defense . Sadly this happened to a lesser extent with others . I suppose no one else wanted to be the target . And speaking of targets , years ago my narcissistic mother went after my brother 's now ex - wife with a viciousness that probably only matched the smears said against me . One thing my mother literally bonds with people by putting others down . I saw this and even almost got sucked into it myself a few times which I have definitely repented of . My own regrets about being sucked into a few of the lies bothers me to this day . In other words I watched the discrediting of others . The names she called that troubled young lady with " white trash " as the first on the list were inexcusable . She managed to even destroy my friendship years ago with her . A few times years ago my brother 's ex wife would literally lose it , but my mother had manipulated things so the whole family thought she was crazy , and dismissed everything she said . This happened to me too , but over a much longer haul . I think about that now , about how her " declared " enemies could never win . This is one way she manipulated people into serving and meeting her needs by separating one sheep [ or really goat ] from the pack , and displaying the punishments that would be forthcoming for crossing her ! Sometimes I wonder if many things I was told by family members were even true . . . . did Aunt Scapegoat really hoard to the extent my mother claimed ? Many of her stories now are questionable to me . I know how social workers deal with that sort of thing . If you are hoarding trash and waste usually they are getting involved . That is one scary thing , now that my eyes are open . How many lies about others have I heard ? For those that lie like rugs , it 's hard to use tweezers to pick out the true bits . Many things I saw first hand , but others I have not . Today I know nothing is to be taken for granted . I have discovered so many lies . If any of them find this blog , one day . I don 't regret one word of it . I am glad I have a venue to warn others about what happened to me and to share how to survive it and manage . Wow , I know people doing this on Facebook , many mean well , but in my mind , forget it ! Fads that everyone runs after kind of annoy me . What does freezing under cold water have to do with ALS ? Aren 't those people mostly paralyzed and losing feeling ? What about places where this is a waste of water ? Ah my head hurts . Let 's have everyone do a dance for lipedema or wiggle their ears if they can , or wear their hair dyed purple . If celebrities and the elite do it , I don 't want to . This seems like a distraction of sorts to me . I know they are using social media for social experiments . So forget it . Send a donation to ALS charities [ or others of your choice ] if you want , but ignore this silly bucket thing . Posted by This article is regarding my aunt who is my father 's sister . This is the aunt whose granddaughter [ my cousin ] married a multi - millionaire and where I was not invited to the wedding , My mother was . This is one of the many events I discussed as leading up to my going " no contact " . This aunt lives around around 1000 miles from me . Soon I will write about her very interesting life story which even blows Aunt Scapegoat 's story out of the water . Parts of this story include what happened to me too . Her personality and history definitely displays extreme signs of abuse and other hard to define personality disorders . I 'll go in more detail later . Let 's just say the narcissistic plague of insanity hasn 't just cut one swathe across one branch of the family but both . She does have contact with my mother , and well I am realizing this is a danger . I don 't think I will ever be able to trust or form a decent family relationship with any relative that is in contact with my mother . Around any relatives , I feel on guard , and betrayed inside as was written about next week . They seem to have enough attachment to say hello on FB and with my brother an occasional phone call , but I can tell I am being held at arm 's length to keep my mother happy , and I am not happy about this . It hurts and has hurt for years and right now self protection is my first order of business . In return , I have limited my emotional investment with these relationships . So keep in mind even with my father 's sister , I am tentative . My contact with her is only about 5 - 7 times a year . She did tell me some family history and helped spark my memory on many issues . I talked to her this year an average of once every 6 - 8 weeks . Her third husband is deceased and she moved up from Florida to live with her daughter who has a good manufacturing job . Due to the adoption pursuit and wanting to find out what my grandmother on the paternal side looked like in her older age I asked her if she could send me some pictures . The reason for this request is to find out how young am I in the pictures ? Are there pictures of me before that 9 month mark ? Are there pictures to describe my baby book devoid of pictures unlike my brother 's and sisters ? I remember crying as a kid because my book had less pictures . Imagine that ! Another reason for the request is I want to see what my paternal grandmother looked like . I have only one picture of her from the 1940s where she is still relatively young . Could she have had lipedema ? Years ago I used to be told she was large but then this aunt told me " Oh she didn 't leave the 200s weight wise and had normal - thin legs " . I did not just call up and start asking , I sent her pictures of me , cards and had other discussions with her for over 18 months . I always had kept consistent contact . She told me " Sure , I 'll send you some . " It seemed like it wasn 't going to be a big deal . I haven 't seen any pictures yet and I 've brought it up a few times . I thought her contact with my mother was minimal but it doesn 't seem to be as yesterday I decide to call up and ask how is the picture sending going , and she tells me " Oh I talked to your mother , I told her you were asking me for some pictures , and she told me not to send you any ! " I plan to ask one more time with husband 's help but then I will have no choice but to drop it . You can 't make other people do what they do not want to do . Another betrayal . More liars . More doors shut in my face . When I tell you this aunt 's story it will blow your mind , but I knew I was taking a long shot . My wicked mother has interfered with every relationship in the family . This net extends out to all of my father 's relatives , including cousins [ some of whom I sought to have contact with and was refused ] , divorced spouses from even ten years ago and every third cousin , great aunt and any other category that possibly shares DNA . I think she still even has contact with my uncle 's girlfriend he split up with when he was 26 years of age , before he married another woman . I do not know how a person has the time to stay in contact with this many people or direct them but she definitely found it . Deep , deep wedges driven in deep . No chance of being heard , always dismissed , always ignored and always disdained . Now I knew betrayal was possible and unless my mother knew something , I kept my mouth shut about it even to this aunt . Talk about having to screen every thought to the finest tooth . My mother already knows I am on an adoption search in my last NC letter and questioning about my origins . If I am a biological child , she could have simply sent me a young baby picture earlier then the 9 month old one I have seen and gotten me to shut up . Life is weird when you have to find out a great - aunt died on the internet , but that is how life is with a clammed up secretive narcissist . I reminded this aunt , that I had told her not to tell my mother I was even in contact with her . She didn 't seem to care about this request but made some vague excuse . She has a wicked wavering two sided mind , saying one thing one minute telling me " Yes your mother treated you badly ! " and then stating " Your mother loves you ! " while I am ignored and otherwise abused . I scoured the internet to see if there was a picture of my grandmother who died in 1969 in their local paper . I found her name in articles several times , and a picture of her gravestone but no picture of her . At least I was prepared to be disappointed but the sheer scope of my mother 's power and control over all my relatives even ones that live thousands of mile away are extreme . I also have realized that I am invisible to them all . They only see me as she does , no matter how nice I am or how I tried to reach out in the past . If the pictures are not sent , add another NC to the list of over 14 people . If she can 't even give me this one small request of pictures of myself when young or a picture of my grandmother , I will be done with her . I will ask politely one more time and if I am told " No " , I will tell her I am moving on . I have realized there is no love , or even attachment with these folks . There is nothing . It is scary . I know as a person I sought to look for it . With this aunt years ago I drew closer to her , or tried , but my mother even there held the power . I will write more later on this issue and tell you her story too . One question I have for ACONs who read my blog , Have you ever seen this much control over this many family members by a narcissist ? I also am realizing that none of them see me outside of her definitions , no matter what I do . All my relatives , every one is in contact with my mother . I may be no contact with the whole crew the way this is going and not just 85 % of them . No pictures sent tells me I am wasting my time with this woman and she has none of my best interests at heart and doesn 't want to tell me the truth . I will see if I am pleasantly surprised but for now , my expectations are incredibly limited . Posted by I participated in this study a couple years ago and remember writing down some of the events I went through . I can 't remember if I am the one who wrote about the dentist chair or not , or the mooing , both of those sound familiar but definitely things happened to me during the week I reported . ' The dentist was worried I might break his chair ' : The hurtful fat - shaming experienced by overweight women three times a day I am glad it is getting some publicity now . Yes fat women have to put up with a lot . Living in a smaller town , people get used to my 500lb + body walking around . It 's not as hard as in urban areas where you are a new sight to people and they stare and may say mean things . If I was going to go over the last week , I could list these things . 1 . Rude comments left on this blog , calling me a liar for what I eat , 2 . Being not taken seriously by someone , not listened to due to visible disabilities . 3 . Entering an office with all armed chairs and having to ask for a special chair . 4 . Feeling stared at by a few people - - that happens often enough to me . What I have to face nowadays as I got older and surlier , is not the overt stuff anymore but more covert , but for many of us fat people it never ends . You know you are in a world that does not fit you . You know that people judge . Posted by Yes it 's better to keep McDonald 's away from your kid , and to try to eat healthy , but I tire of the constant litany of fat people being told , if you eat perfectly , you will be thin . I wish I could sneak a secret camera and take pictures of thin people 's grocery carts , I see plenty of juice , soda and cookies in those . Healthy eating doesn 't make every fat person thin either . Do what you can and what you believe will help but the last thing fat people or fat children need is the constant stereotypes applied . If you want your child to have a healthy future life , treat them with love and kindness , that will go a lot further . Yes try and cook healthy food , but don 't abuse them if they are fat or insist on " truths ' that haven 't helped any fat people so far . Posted by Yes mine know what they were doing . I know I am not loved by them either . They simply wanted to keep me in check and to shut me up . I gave up changing them going NC and GOT OUT . In my case , I do not see the narcissists as " hurt people " but as " evil people " . They create hurt . Posted by Desperate Measures - When They Sense They 're Losing Their Grip On You - I wanted to share this article . She has some good warnings in it . During my no - contact I have struggled with some of these thoughts thinking if I write this , or confront her with this , a spark will be lit and a darkened mind woken up . LOL who am I kidding too ? I think all ACONS struggle with this fantasy in their minds of one day waking up the hard cold malignant narcissists . I can 't even conceive of minds like that this and how they work . Mine is sitting me out . It is creepy to watch even . One must not let emotions lead , because the narcs know how to use them but simple cold facts that it is better to stay away from people you cannot trust , and who treat you like dirt and who are wicked . " Once upon a time , I used to have a pleasant fantasy . In it , I would tell my birth - mother that her behavior was upsetting to me . She would apologize , tell me that she would never dream of continuing to hurt me because she cares for me a great deal , and promise to stop her offensive behavior immediately . Then , true to her word , she would never do it again , enabling our relationship to be happily restored . Boy , was I living in la - la land . When that never worked , I had a slightly more complicated delusion . After I complained about her mistreatment , she would continue hurting me anyway . Since it stressed me out to be in her presence , I would begin to avoid placing myself in that position . I would begin to feel distant from her . I might even decide to take a break from the relationship for a few weeks or months , of which I might or might not choose to inform her , to get my thoughts together about what to do next . Mom , sensing my withdrawal , would realize what she was doing and become concerned about losing the relationship . Afraid that she might really be driving me away , she would come to her senses , immediately stop her hurtful behavior , and make every effort to be as pleasant to be with as possible . Her turnabout would enable me to enjoy being with her , and our relationship would be happily restored . Yeah , right . What in the world was I thinking ? If we were talking about normal people who truly do love and care for those who love them , this would really happen . In fact , the reason we try to talk things out with a loved one who is hurting us is that we are hoping against hope for such a happy ending . But those of us who have had the misfortune to try and reason with a control freak or an abuser quickly learn that there is almost NO CHANCE that this will actually ever happen in our situations . No matter how calmly and politely we request a change , things will go south fast . Any attempt we make to have a loving and rational discussion will quickly degenerate into a crazy - making , nasty argument . We will be left scratching our heads and wondering what on earth went wrong , and why a simple plea for a little consideration had to be blown up into such a big deal . " I tend towards melancholy . I have had problems with depression in my life . Even if I get too sick and worn out , the physical will mix with the emotional into one big stew . Did I cause my infection by crying or is the crying the result of an impending infection ? Is it kidney stones or simple fatigue ? Is it lazinesss , despair or a body that is just extremely exhausted from the heat and housework ? Sometimes it 's hard to know . I think Aspies are more serious and see the world so differently that even what is joy to me gets lost in the translation . I get thrilled about my stamp collection and grabbing on to little bits of knowledge . Sitting and having a think fest and exploring new theories in my mind is " fun " . Small talk and pool side intrigues are not but serious in depth conversations with good friends are . Us , Aspies are not understood by most . Every now and then you meet a rare neurotypical who sees your goodness and you befriend them , but often in the world being an Aspie means being surrounded by a crowd of chattering , smiling neurotypicals who to be blunt have too many rules for me to follow as I get lost in their conservations that never make sense to me . One of those rules is " Be Positive or Else ! " When stress gets high for me or depression comes to call , this rule drives me crazy . You see it all around you . You are told to make a gratitude list , to be positive , to be a happy person , that will attract people , and well to be frank all this stuff wears me out . The subtext message is " Shut up ! " if you have any problems or anything DEEP to share . I also wonder about the people who feel this push to make constant gratitude lists and while some are well - meaning , are they trying to convince themselves of how great their lives are ? Why don 't they have something more fun to do then write a list of how great their lives are ? Doesn 't that take the fun out of it all ? Have our lives become something to be analyzed for how great and wonderful they are ? What if you know that in the history of the world , many have suffered even worse and would find all this navel gazing to be extremely narcissistic ? That 's what it is isn 't it ? Navel gazing , Bragging . My narcissistic sister told me I need to refriend her on Facebook so I could watch her children in their " celebration of life " . What a strange way to phrase it . So life is a celebration ? Something worries me inside that those are children not being prepared for how life really is . Disney World lies and no preparation for the true reality of the USA economy . I always considered bucket lists to be an annoying trait of the brainwashed upper middle class who see life in general as one " big to do list " who want to impress others with their accomplishments . Whether they actually enjoy any of the things on their lists is beside the point . The point is to get the list done and then say " Look at me , I am special , I could afford to do all these great and wonderful things ! " " I am better then you ! " Lately I think a certain social website , is making me more depressed . While I have a few friends and others who talk about serious subjects or just do a straight sharing of their lives , for many it seems to be a brag fest , that never ends . One of the ways that people brag now , is " Look How Happy I Am , You Sad Sacks ! " I think the author above is right about how America has gone down the tubes due to their collective delusions . Forcing everyone to be happy , means problems get ignored . It means things get worse . It means silencing people . It means one culture that is all about appearances as it gets gutted from within . It means anyone who is a person on the fringes is ignored . It dumbs everything down . It kills emotion , innovation and caring . It is shallow narcissism where emotions are deadened down . The cheapening of emotions and life . The killing of poetry and love . Every health board I am on , in the world , you see the positivity police out in full froth . So your body is swelling up , you are dying of infections or in and out of the hospital or bedbound ? " Quit yer complaining , you negative ingrate ! " A few of these types will write posts on health boards about how " the negativity " is bringing them down and how people need to be more positive . My sister in law got thrown out of a cancer support meeting for crying and being " too negative " about having breast cancer . How sick is that ? The New Agers can tell me things like the picture below . As if one 's thinking is an automatic entrance to getting things done you want done . They used to call that witchcraft in the old days , So attitude is everything ? That 's a bit limited too . People with money for tropical vacations somehow still have time to go on Facebook and kick those who are already down and get out the " You are too negative ! " baseball bat . They seem to get some kind of glee . Of course part of me is asking , why aren 't these women out on a boat somewhere or living the extraordinary lives they brag about constantly to take time to kick around the " negative " people who irritate them so much . Do I want rich woman telling me I am a failure for not finding the " Eat , Pray , Love " life ? What if I don 't believe in their world outlooks ? I believe this is a way the powers that be keep control . Keep the serfs smiling even if you are dying of cancer or are sitting in the gutter . I suppose as they do their evil across the world , it 's easier to have smiling victims rather noisy complaining ones . Tell everyone that there is no economic collapse , or wars or health problems that will kill but that what ever problems they are face are all their fault , and due to their lack of a good attitude or a " positive mind " , then they don 't have to be called on the carpet for anything . See how that works ? In other words , if you suffer , it 's your own fault ! It is kind of disgusting to see this stuff constantly in the health world . I know the narcissistic Baby Boomer culture has everyone thinking they will live forever or that all medical problems are perfectly solvable as long as one does all the " right " behavior but it simply is not true . It is not reality . I tire of the people who live in shallow illusions but also who want to force them on me . I am in the mode where I do not want to sell myself or impress anyone . Whether I am happy or not is my business not yours . I should not have to prove myself as a perpetual perky cheerleader to be loved . I am not a person in a commercial with a huge smile on my face , selling the perfect attributes of myself the product . Our culture really scares me more and more , it really does . I think I was born in the wrong time and place . My emotions don 't fit . Sorry I am failing to be a thin smiling Stepford wife with my 2 . 5 children in my glorious suburban McMansion who is " celebrating life " and fulfilling my bucket list . [ * And now , at last , the promised Spanish version of one of my recent posts . Muchas gracias , N . R . , for the translation ! One note : I transcribed his tran . . . Please respond in comments . I didn 't want to mess with widgets and all that . I want to get reader feedback on the blog . Sometimes b . . .
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I 'm doing much better today . My breathing is unrestricted , my nose is no longer dry and I am not coughing constantly anymore either . The Bactrum is working wonders . I am very happy that I called when I did . Clinic is tomorrow . When I called Wednesday , they told me if I wasn 't feeling better by Friday , I would be admitted . I was doing better Friday , so I dodged that one , but now I hope the doctor doesn 't admit me just because I haven 't been in a while . After being as sick as I was , I won 't fight him in his decision , but I don 't want to be in the hospital on my birthday either . So , I 'm hoping for the best tomorrow . My father will be here at 11 : 00 am tomorrow morning to take me to clinic . He went with me last time , and he enjoyed it . I will not have a chance to post before I leave in the morning . I have my morning treatments to do and I will be busy getting ready as well . I will post as soon as I can after clinic . I 'm Done . Nope , no hospital for me . I am doing much better now that I have an antibiotic to help me . I started feeling much better this morning and I 've been getting progressivly better as the day went on . I just wanted to update on my condition since some of you might be concerned . Thank youI 'm Done . Today I found that my bloodsugar was really high . I checked it today and it was at 383 . Anything above 200 and it starts doing damage to my body . So , I took some insulin . I rarely have to do this , but I did . About an hour and a half later , I bottomed out at a bloodsugar of 38 . I was nausious , dizzy and not feeling well at all . I had a coke , some ensure and later had some ravioli 's . I 'm back to normal now . Thank you insulin . The past three days I have been coughing up phlem that is green in color . This is a sign that I have an infection in my lungs . I 've been short of breath , my appetite is lacking and I 'm not moving around that much . I called the doctor to get an antibiotic . The clinic gave me a prescription for Bactrum . They said if I 'm not feeling better by Friday , I need to come in to the hospital for a " Tune Up " , as they call it . It 's a 7 - 10 day stay in the hospital to get back my strength , but lately , the stay for me has lasted up to 3 weeks . I hope I feel better by Friday . I don 't really want to be in the hospital again . Wed night happened again tonight . I finally beat the friend who has stomped on my ever since I 've known him . I get such a feeling of accomplishment from that , I 'm not sure why , but I do . It 's good to be top dog . I 'm Done . Wednesday I was doing great . I felt good and I was able to be very productive around the house as we got ready for guests that evening . I did not cancel Wednesday , and I 'm glad I didn 't . I had a player come over who hasn 't come over in a while . He lives about 30 - 45 min . from me and he took the time to drive down . It was great fun to play that night . I swear , not 5 minutes from people leaving , did I start feeling worse . I got a headache , my sinuses were inflamed , I was short of breath and I started coughing alot more . My stomach started to ache and I was getting chills too , I felt like a truck ran over me . I felt the same , if not worse , the next morning . It took forever to warm myself up . My arthritis was everywhere and I was walking around very slowly , with my arms very still and close , my shoulders were thrown forward and I was limping . I haven 't had pain in my knees for a while now . Last night was probably my worst night so far . I was coughing up streaks of blood in my phlem while I was doing my evening treatments . The pain was dealable , but there to let itself known . My nose was extremely dry , but my sinuses were full of fluid . I couldn 't breath through my nose and trying to blow my nose was nearly impossible , not only because of my sinuses , but the junk inside my nose was as thick as molasses ( or tar , take your pick ) . This is when I bring out , THE Q - TIPS . I take one , and insert it into one nostril . I 'm able to push the entire q - tip into my nose , and that is what I do , just the end sticks out . I turn and wiggle the q - tip against the sinus and try to loosen any " boogers " that are back there . Hah ! Haven 't heard that in a while , " boogers " hee hee . Anyway , I take it out , throw it away and repeat on the other nostril . After that , I take a syringe , without a needle , fill it with tap water and squirt water up into each nostril , while bending over the sink . I try to breath in just a bit so I can get it to pass through the sinuses . This will make you cough , or sneeze . I also try to keep the water in my sinus as long asposted by Jakarah | 9 : 29 PM I guess I have what everyone else here has or had . I feel terrible . I was running a fever today and I had absolutely no energy . I 'm dragging my feet and hobbling around like an old man . This is really kicking my butt . I feel helpless and a little guilty because I cannot help around the house . Wife is doing better , but not 100 % . She says don 't worry , but I feel guilty anyway . Tomorrow is Wednesday night fun play , I am not cancelling it . I hope to feel much better tomorrow . Two more episodes of NYPD Blue left . I 'm sad to see it go . It was great episode tonight . The captain got shot in the groin area and may have some paralysis to deal with . Metavoy is leaving the 15th to be with this hot number who does real estate . He will do great I feel . Survivor is premiering on Thursday . Another passion of mine that will again take up my Thursday nights . Ahh , reward challenges , immunity challenges , backstabbing , and the bitch , bitch , bitching that goes on . I can 't wait . I got some decsent sleep last night , I didn 't get to bet ' til 3 AM though , but I slept until 11 AM . 8 hours , that 's all I need . I can function on 5 , 6 is better , but 8 is perfect . The sun usually wakes me up , or the noise of the kids . Still have alot of pain in my neck and shoulders . My wrists and knuckles are doing a little better , not by much though . Headaches , sore throat and constant coughing with no production . My chest is starting to hurt too . I should feel better in the morning . I 'm Done . I do not feel so good today . Wife and kids have both been suffering from a stomach virus and now I feel that I may be coming down with it . I woke up today with a mild scratchy throat and no energy . We went to the patch today , which went very well , and I started feeling a little dizzy after we left . Wife was feeling crappy , so I dropped her off at the house and I went and made a deposit at the bank . $ 50 from watching a neighbor 's child after school for a week . It 's only 2 - 3 hours a day , and we can use the extra cash . I got home and we all took a short nap . I went to the oldest child 's room to watch some television , I was out of breath just going around the corner . The phone was ringing off the hook today , and walking from his room to the phone was taking every ounce of energy I had to make it there . I did about 4 neb treatments today because of my shortness of breath . I 'm really tired now . I was supposed to cook dinner , but I was spent . We ended up ordering pizza and we all had 1 - 2 pieces each . I usually eat 4 - 5 pieces , feeling bad ruins my appetite . I am the cooker of the house . Wife absolutely despises cooking and is very grateful that I know how to cook and do it well too . Just some days I am unable to do so , and we either order out or wife cooks . I 'm coughing more , I feel my lungs sticking to the walls of my chest ( I breath in and it feels like a bubble in my lungs , it hurts to breath in to a certain point , then it pops after breathing in fast and hard , easing the pain ) , I have very little energy , my appetite is down and I am very sleepy . I 'm not sure how much sleep I will get tonight , because my coughing gets worse at night when I am in a prone postition . The drainage either from swallowing or my nose irritates my throat alot . I sometimes wake up coughing . It 's not comfortable at all . I will have to see how I am doing tomorrow , I might have to cancel Wednesday night cards this week . That 's all for tonight . I 'm Done . I don 't work so I can 't say ' another dollar ' . Blasphemy ! Anywhoo , I 've been having more pain in the mornings again . I 'm getting up at 9 am and not able to do anything ' til noon . So , I spent my time today watching ' Troy ' and ' Underworld ' . Two very good movies . I saw the original version of ' The Grudge ' about a week or two ago . It 's called ' Ju - On ' and it was a very scary film . These oriental horror films take a different approach to scaring its audience . It 's not done through blood , gore and monsters , but more ghosts and real people . Mostly just powder makeup for effects , and it comes off really well . I 'm not sure if I want to see ' The Grudge ' now because I was really scared . Tomorrow is the patch study and the begining of two weeks of patches on our backs . I had 15 people show up for the tournament , very suprising . We had alot of fun . The kids have been ill the past couple of days , wife is getting it now . I will probably end up catching this bug . I just hope I don 't end up in the hospital . I 'm Done . I refilled my prescriptions for some other pain meds and I had them this morning . Ahh , I felt so good today and it was refreshing to feel that way most of the day . Despite my pain last night , wife and I had a roll in the hay . It was quite a night I have to say . Received a call and we have been scheduled to participate in a different patch study that starts Feb . 14th that pays $ 120 . It 's a Monday , Wednesday & Friday patch study around the noon hour so it works out well . I have a card game tournament this weekend , I hope to get 10 people to show up . If more than 15 show up , then the store will give away a T - Shirt . Started on my anti - depressant too today . I 'm really glad to have that now , I was feeling extremly down the past couple of days . I was irritable , short and pissed off Tuesday , and Wednesday I fell into a major depression . Nothing interested me and I wasn 't motivated to do anything . I 'm feeling a little better tonight , but I know it will take a few days to kick in . Only bad thing is it effects my sexual performance , bummer . I 'm going to surf some blogs tonight on blogexplosion , get some more credits , then I will play some Rollercoaster Tycoon . Might be time for a hot bath tonight as well , who knows . I 'm Done . Another do - nothing day . Wife had to run some errands today and was gone most of the day . Kids played games or joined me in watching endless television . Wife got some good news from a friend . She will be a main part of a business that her friend is starting . I 'm going to start designing a business card , letterhead and logo for the business . According to everyone that we have talked with , clients , employees , friends and family , there is nothing like this business today . It will be completely new and will be a huge national success . This may be the break that we need to get out of the apartment and into our dream house . Every action has an equal and opposite reaction . We have been helping people as much as possible , even to the extent of doing without ourselves . Hopefully this will be the reaction to all we 've done . Oprah Winfrey , here we come . I walked with a limp today because of my knee . My arthritis is really starting to bother me and I need to see the doctor soon . I barely moved most of the day today . I took extra pain medicine , tylenol and later had some advil . After about 4 - 5 hours , I was feeling a little better . Not much to say , since I didn 't do anything due to my pain . These short posts make me think that I 'm really boring . Hopefully you will still come back and check up on me . Woke up this morning coughing . I haven 't done that for a while . I 'm usually just wheezing . I tried sleeping without my oxygen last night . I figure that my oxygen dries me out so much that I am not able to cough anything up in the mornings . I wasn 't dry this morning and I paid for it too . . . lol . Yesterday was my father 's 62nd birthday . My grandmother invited wife and I to go to dinner for this occasion . She took us to Saltgrass Steakhouse , a wonderful texas style steak resteraunt . I had a great time . My dad received ' Minority Report ' , a ' World of Tolkein ' daily calendar and weekly planner that has crossword puzzles for each week . My wife had to go to her parent 's house this morning to help move some things and get rid of an ant invasion they are having . She was only supposed to be there for a little while , but it ended up being an all day excursion . She got home at midnight . I receive a new portable nebulizer today . I ordered it about two weeks ago online . It was a banner advertising a free nebulizer . Well , it 's not free , but just about . My copay is only $ 15 . 00 for this $ 200 product . It 's cool as heck too . It has a rechargable battery , an adapter for the car and a hose so I don 't have to hold the whole pump up to my mouth . I can also use all my meds with this one as well . This will help on road trips and vacations that I go on . Woke up with the same shoulder and neck pain . It 's the arthritis that is bothering me and my medication wears off from the night before when I wake up . First thing I usually do is take my pain meds , that is if I want to put the effort into getting up in the first place . Hee hee . No real problems today . Just the usual morning coughing fit . I haven 't been having the ones that almost get me to the point of vomiting , so that is a good thing . I 'm always glad to not be in pain . Watched a program about a man who was injected with fake botox and was paralized for two weeks . He described how he at first couldn 't swallow when he arrived at the ER . Then his jaw locked up like he had lockjaw , he then couldn 't open his eyes . Finally he was completely paralyzed , but he could hear everything that was going on . People coming up and asking how he was doing and not being able to respond to them . I was symathizing with him just thinking about how panic sets in when you can 't swallow or speak or breath on your own . I can just imagine how scared he was during that whole ordeal . I scared myself even . Wife wanted to leave today at 11 : 30 this morning , but I tried to extend it as much as I could . My shoulders were stiff as well as my neck , as they always do in the morning , and I was still sleepy from the short night 's sleep I had . I had taken a sleeping pill the night before and I believe that it was still in my system when I woke up . I didn 't get to bed until 2AM last night . That was because my pain meds were wearing off and I had a persistent cough that worsened when I laid down . I had two couging fits today , but they didn 't interfere with my schedule that much . I was able to set aside some time to calm down and take a neb treatment to open up my airways . Once was when we walked to the car after having lunch at Denny 's . We walked out to the car and got in , I usually drive , and when I closed the door , I went into this loud , violent and lengthy coughing fit . I say a coughing fit when I cough and cough until I 'm red in the face , I can 't catch my breath and sometimes have difficulty breathing in . They usually end with one or two very loud coughs that bring up an unusual amount of phlem followed by some less intense coughs . They last until I am able to fully catch my breath , at which time I take a deep breath in and feel I can go on . It 's often difficult to watch , because I have to recover from it myself , nothing really helps besides handing me the portable neb so I can help my airways . Otherwise you are just stuck watching me cough without a way to help me out . I end up telling my wife not to help me when she tries . She will just hand me a tissue or the portable neb , since she knows that I will need both . The other time was when I was vacuuming the floor before people showed up for Wednesday night fun play . $ 0 . 25 hot dogs again and a few games of LOTR . Another friend came over and brought over some Star Wars Miniatures that he had purchased . This is another game that is simular to Dungeons and Dragons when you play it with miniatures as well . Today was a slow day , but it turned out rather well in the end . Tomorrow we hope to finally start the homeschooling . Ha ! Ha ! I feel like we are more busy than when we were working full time . That is what I did all day long today . Nothing . I watched a few movies today , " Johnny Mnemonic " and " School of Roch " , both very good movies . I was informed by my sister in law that Comcast is offering On - Demand movies . They have a large library of movies that you can ' rent ' for a 24 hour period for $ 3 . 99 each . When you watch your movie , you can use your remote to play , fast - forward , rewind and pause the movie . You can even stop the movie and come back later to finish it from the place you stopped at . I saw that they have " Ju - On " , which is the original japanese title of the american version " The Grudge " . I saw the original version of " The Ring " and it was just as scary , just no blood and guts . The japanese have an excellent way of filming a movie without stage blood or using elaborate special effects , and it still having a horrific effect on the audience . Today was a good day for me in general . I still am waking up with headaches and stiffness . It goes away in an hour or so after taking my Tramadol and Naproxen . I cannot have narcotic medications because I have ' Portal Hypertension ' , which is high pressure of the bile ducts in the liver . It 's common in CF patients , its also progressive and will eventually require a liver transplant . I 'm hoping that my judgement is correct this time and I will not have to have a liver transplant for a long , long time . When I heard about my needing a lung transplant , my wife and I were under the impression that I had 15 years or more before we would have to start thinking on that subject . Wife received a call today from a friend about her thermostat being blown and being replaced today . The friend needed my wife to come down to her house and wait for the repairman to arrive . Then she found out that the repairman had to go get a part from the warehouse and it was 35 miles away . It would take him an hour to return . After the thermostat was repaired , she received a call that her mother needed some help today as well . She was gone most of the day today . So I occupied myself with some movies . I got paid today and we were planning on taking tomorrow to shop for homeschooling materials , but it happens to be snowing at this current hour and we may have ice and snow in the morning . That would ruin those plans . We may have to wait until next week before we are able to start the schooling . He would be used as a companion in the game fighting your opponents minions . It 's quite an interesting game , if you are into that sort of thing . Lots of interaction with your opponent in this game , which is what I like .
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One of my favorite books of all time is The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society . After I recommended that book to a friend ( she loved it too ) , she told me she 'd heard of a book often compared to it called The Readers of Broken Wheel Recommend . Odd title , I thought , and immediately it went on The List . Then one day when I was very pregnant , I went to Target on a ' Treat Yourself ' mission ( which was really just me trying to do a lot of walking to get little boy out of me ) and saw this book . Sold . It 's the story of a Swedish girl named Sara , who goes to visit her friend Amy in rural Iowa . It is her first trip to America , and her parents are skeptical of letting her go in the first place , but the bookshop Sara had worked in recently closed down and she wanted to see the town her friend had written to her about so fondly . By the time Sara arrives in Broken Wheel , Amy has died . Not sure what to do next , the townsfolk of Broken Wheel rally to make sure Sara is taken care of for the duration of her stay . It is not the trip Sara had imagined , but in time she learns the secrets Amy had kept from her letters , and falls in love with the town . First , let 's just get this out of the way : It does not live up to Guernsey . Not by a long shot , not for me . But , since that 's one of the greatest books of all time … I really didn 't expect it to . It took me quite awhile to get into the plot . It was past the halfway point before I really felt like I couldn 't put it down . To be honest I was worried for awhile that the book was never going to strike a resonating cord with me . The writing through the beginning seemed to do a little too much telling and not enough showing , and I 'm not sure if that has to do with the fact that it was translated from the original Swedish . Sometimes it 's the translation that 's ' bad ' and not the story . Overall , it was very what - you - see - is - what - you - get ; it didn 't have the depth either of character or of plot to really blow me away . However , by the end I was very interested in how the story played out , and it was a satisfying , sweet ending . For me there was just something a little bit odd about the whole thing that I can 't quite put my finger on . Maybe it was the cliches of a micro - community in rural America , or that some of the characters were a little bit over the top … and I 'm still not satisfied with the title . But all of this is generally why I avoid contemporary ' chick lit ' type books , it comes down to a style preference . You may love this type of book & love the style . I did enjoy the fact that Sara and Amy 's relationship was based completely around their love of books & reading . Sara is a complete bookworm , and there are many passages throughout the novel about authors and books and how Sara feels about them . It 's always risky to do this in case the reader hasn 't read the books mentioned . If they have , there is a great payoff of camaraderie with the character for having thought the same thoughts or sparking a new conversation in the reader 's mind , but on the other hand , if the reader hasn 't read the mentioned books , there are some major plot spoilers . For me , there was a mix of both . I found her thoughts on Dan Brown to be especially accurate ; - ) It does seem a little bit unfair for the author to assume that just because someone is reading this book , that he / she should be expected to have read ALL of the other books mentioned . Ultimately there are really only one or two passages with actual plot spoilers , the rest seem to just bring attention to books you may or may not have read - I can see some readers adding to their TBRs while reading this book . This novel is very much in the chick lit / summer reads category for me . Purely entertainment . This isn 't the type of book that is going to change your life , but it 's a fun distraction from the every day and a fun book for people who call themselves readers . P . S . No one I 've ever met in my entire life has made homemade corn dogs or sloppy joes . Just sayin ' . These things generally come from the fair ( or freezer section ) , and a can , respectively . It 's the American way . Leaving Time is the story of a young girl named Jenna Metcalf in search of her mother , Alice . Alice was a researcher living and working in an elephant sanctuary in Pennsylvania . She ended up there for love , following a man who didn 't think her study on grief in elephants was a waste of time like many of her colleagues . When Jenna is only three , a woman is found dead , trampled to death by an elephant , and Alice disappears . Due to the lazy work of a retiring detective and no missing persons report , there is no investigation into the disappearance . Now a young teen , Jenna takes the search into her own hands . Consulting with a washed up celebrity psychic and the detective whose guilt never went away after the botched investigation , they are determined to find out what happened that night in the elephant sanctuary . In the format of a typical Jodi Picoult novel , the narrative bounces back and forth between characters . Alice is the only narrator who isn 't in the present . Instead , she acts a flashback character , providing the background story that leads up to the night she disappeared , eventually revealing what actually happened . It is done skillfully , the reader never learns until the end whether or not she is still alive or if her story ends that night . Hers was ultimately my favorite perspective , although an impatient reader would call hers the slowest . I really enjoyed reading about her accounts of elephant behavior observed both in the African wild and in the sanctuary . The elephants definitely have personality , especially Maura , and I enjoyed the sections about them - you can tell , maybe a little too much , that the subject matter was researched well by the author . It reminded me of another of her novels in that way , Lone Wolf . As an animal lover and general softie in life , I could have done without some of the graphic descriptions of what happens to some of the elephants , but Alice is researching grief , so grief - inducing events are kind of necessary and expected . And everyone knows that historically elephants have not been treated very well in captivity , which were some of the hardest parts for me to read . Another characteristic element of a Picoult novel is a twist ending , sometimes even on the last dang page ( Handle With Care , anyone ? ) . Leaving Time is no exception . While I did enjoy the pleasure of the plot completely flipping ( a twist you don 't see coming is always oddly satisfying ) , it also cheapened the whole story in a way . I won 't give it away , but let 's just say this particular twist has been done before , and very famously . The author had to know it was a risk to use it , and I kind of wish I could get into her head to see what the other possibilities were , if there ever were any . For me it didn 't ruin the story because it made complete sense once it was revealed . It wrapped up the storyline of one of the characters in a great way - in fact , you could say the entire story was actually about her . Okay okay , let 's move on … All things considered , this wasn 't my favorite novel by Jodi Picoult . I haven 't read them all , but I 've read around a dozen . Leaving Time probably floats around the middle of the pack among them . As I said , I wanted something compelling to read , and in that sense it did not disappoint . However , if you are new to Jodi Picoult , I would recommend some of her other novels over this one . Some of my favorites have been Keeping Faith , Handle With Care , Lone Wolf , Vanishing Acts , My Sister 's Keeper , and Plain Truth . Just whatever you do , don 't start with Songs of the Humpback Whale . I couldn 't get through it ! In short , it 's about Ernest Hemingway 's first marriage , told from his wife 's perspective ( Hadley Richardson ) . It begins just as they met in Chicago 1921 , through their mutual friend Kate and her brother , who Ernest and Hadley are both staying with ( my feeling is it was some kind of large house with rooms for let , they weren 't sleeping on the couch or anything ) . Hadley , 28 at the time ( to Ernest 's 21 ) , had just lost her mother and desperately needed a vacation , which is what brought her there . Obviously , they fall in love and get married , yada yada ; - ) I think what touched me so much about this book is how real the relationship and the marriage felt . There were mistakes , there were awkward times , there were times of self - doubt and of loneliness . The entire arc of the relationship is covered in this book - from the first words they spoke to each other up to the last phone call they ever share , years after their divorce ( if you read through to the epilogue ) . As a reader , you fall in love with them , you ache with them , you share their frustrations , and when you just begin to sense that things are starting to not go quite as well as they had been , you 're just as surprised to see that the problems had been brewing for a long time , and just as hearbroken about it . They were the couple their friends thought would never break up . This is the story of a real happy couple , and how their marriage crumpled despite , or perhaps because of , their passion . Paula McLain 's writing struck me right away . It was descriptive and emotional , and conveyed the tone and style of the novel perfectly in every sentence . I 'm actually not sure exactly how many of the events and conversations in this novel are true , but I imagine quite a bit of it must be ( Hemingway was quite autobiographical in his novels , and he has multiple volumes of published letters - and an otherwise highly public life ) . What I loved the most was how much The Paris Wife felt like Hemingway 's novels . A big part of the book was dedicated to Pampalona and three different years they attended the running of the bulls and the festivities afterward , which is exactly what happens : fishing trip , toreros , characters and all , in The Sun Also Rises . Her writing didn 't exactly mimic Hemingway 's , but the same tone was there … agh , it 's hard to explain . It is perfect for what it is really : the supposed recounting of the events through the perspective of his wife , who would sound similar to him , wouldn 't she ? It 's really a wonderful novel . As for Paris , well , I can 't speak for that . Hem and Hadley encountered many others we know well today who were featured in the novel : F . Scott & Zelda Fitzgerald , Ezra Pound , James Joyce , and Gertrude Stein the most prominent of those . I 'm not very familiar with any of those , but I 'd be curious to see if they 're really anything like how McLain paints them in this novel . I have Z , the Zelda Fitzgerald novel that came out recently , so I may have to get that out in the next few days … This novel is also funny . The dialogue establishes the personality of whole parties instead of individuals , it seems , and everyone has multiple nicknames and drinks entirely too much ( sound like any novels you 've heard of ? ) . It was a time to be social and to drink and to laugh and to love , and a time of great friends . And there was poverty and grime and beauty and madness that came of the time . Bridget Jones is somewhat of a mess , or she thinks she is . Because she is in her thirties and still single , Bridget 's mother is constantly trying to set her up with bachelors she thinks are eligible , while Bridget stands by with a face flamed in embarrassment . Bridget also sees her ' singleton ' status as quite a bad thing most of the time , but she has a great group of eccentric friends who are always willing to do a good verbal bashing against whatever ' Fuckwittage ' deserves it this time . The novel is a diary kept over one full year in the life of Bridget Jones ; hence the title . At the beginning of each entry , Bridget diligently records several stats , which she also rates on how well she did during that period ; weight , cigarettes , negative thoughts , lottery tickets , message checking , and alcohol units are some of the most frequent stats recorded . Initially , reading these stats was the funniest bit about this book , though by April or so , that had worn off and I started briefly glancing at them for any ' new ' stats she may have included . It got repetitive and boring , although the stats summary on the last page was worth quite a laugh , so maybe you 're meant to skip over those at a certain point . I 'm actually not much of a ' chick lit ' reader . Perhaps that is why I wasn 't super impressed by this book . Yes , in some parts , it was hilarious , but between funny times , the book didn 't really seem to have any ' meat ' to support it . I guess that could be a pro - for people looking for a ' light summer read ' - but it just didn 't do it for me . I found myself basically forcing myself to keep reading , waiting for something to grab my attention , basically so I could just finish it and move on to another book . I will probably read the next one … eventually , but I 'm not going to jump right into it . If you 're looking for a funny book to read , I 'd recommend Bossypants , by Tina Fey way before this one . My first review in awhile ! As I mentioned just before , we 've moved recently , which has left precious little time for reading . The last few weeks though , I 've been getting the itch to listen to audiobooks at work , I just never seemed to get to the library to pick any up . Until Tuesday . First up from those selections , Her Fearful Symmetry . Audrey Niffenegger ( how awesome is that last name , by the way ? ) is the author of The Time Traveler 's Wife , which I enjoyed intensely , so I 've naturally been wanting to read this book since it came out in 2009 . Unfortunately , almost every review I read about it was negative , and so it continued to be pushed to the bottom of my priority list - And here we are four years later … . This book reminds me of a mix between The Thirteenth Tale ( by Diane Setterfield ) and The Blind Assassin ( by Margaret Atwood ) , both of which I 've been meaning to reread . If you 've read either of those , you will have an idea of what the tone of this book is , and also the layout : : It 's a story within a story , within a story - and Niffenegger is talented enough , like Atwood ( The Blind Assassin ) , to pull it off . I think maybe it got bad reader reviews at first because it 's not like The Time Traveler 's Wife , which is what the hyped up readers were expecting . It 's not better or worse - it 's just a different story . Probably one of the best skills and highest compliments an author can receive ( / have ) , is to be consistent , something I 've found Audrey Niffenegger to be in her full length novels so far . The storytelling is definitely there . She has ' proven ' herself to me with this book , and now I 'm not only a fan of the books themselves , but the mind matter they were created from , Audrey herself . All the blurbs you will find about this book are very vague , and now I can see why . This is the type of book you have to discover on your own . There are layers to peel away , a little bit at a time . The limited knowledge beforehand is an opportunity of discovery not often available in today 's reading environment . Savor it . Characters in this novel felt real . Real in the sense that some of them were likable , some I was indifferent to , and others I didn 't like so much , but not because they were constructed to be disliked … it 's hard to explain . ' Real ' is the best descriptor I am capable of at the moment - and it 's times like these one realizes how grossly overused terms like that really are . Imagine your neighbor . He 's not a bad person , but he has flaws - flaws that he has adapted to and effect things in his life , on a large and small scale . It 's almost like Niffenegger isn 't inventing these people , she 's just capturing them , and putting them to paper . Combining these captured personalities create real situations that they react to in real ways . Ironically , the only two characters I felt weren 't created so beautifully as the others are the two active ' main characters ' in the story , The Mirror Twins who inherit their aunt 's estate . There is romance in this story , what I would think of as ' real ' romance - in other words , not ' falling in love ' romance but ' loved each other for years ' romance . How many times can I say romance in one sentence ? Many of the characters in this story are older , between 35 and 90 ( haha ) . They have almost all found their life mates and are settled with one another . I imagine they all look like they belong together by now , you know ? How people who are together for a long time sort of morph into one another ? That 's how I imagine many of the characters in this book to be . My only complaint about this book is basically the main plot . Not all of it , but the whole climax story bugged me . The twins were just written a little bit too immature for my taste . Then again they are 21 , and now that I 'm older than 21 , that age does seem a little immature - but within reason , come on . I can also see that because they 're twins and do everything together , they are a little bit handicapped from many ' growing up ' milestones , so perhaps that 's what Niffenegger was trying to accomplish . Since I listened to this book in audio format , it 's more difficult for me to honestly assess the writing . It sounded good … I can really only remember one hiccup , where a short scene , while well written , sort of seemed jammed in … like it didn 't fit there , or really anywhere , but the information in it was needed as background and for the readers to understand some character tension . I think it could have probably been re - written in a more successful way … it was probably a case where the author just didn 't want to cut it because it was so well written . I don 't blame her . Eh , it was one scene . Perhaps two pages , it 's forgivable . Now the narration . Bianca Amato of course introduced herself on the first track , and immediately I remembered her name from something else I 'd read , but I couldn 't put my finger on it for several minutes of reading . Then I had it - The Lady of the Rivers , by Phillipa Gregory was narrated by Bianca Amato - and I LOVED that book , halfway because of the narration . That is to say , I also loved her narration in this book , but I have to admit it was less successful here . I was able to tell in many places where a new track began because of a forcefulness in her voice that naturally fades when reading aloud . There were also < i > a lot < / i > of voices to do in this book , often without ' he said / she said ' , just directly switching out , like this : : Dialogue like that can get very tricky when reading aloud and still seeming natural , try it . Generally though , great job . She has a very expressive and comforting voice . It 's very easy to follow and understand , I will keep one eye out for her name as I peruse the shelves in the future . Perhaps I 'll google her ' voice ' ography . I loved the concept of the novel : a man who studies wolves so closely he becomes a member of a pack ( well , several packs ) , is in a horrific accident and his family must decide whether or not to pull the plug on his life support . If you 've ever read a Jodi Picoult novel , you sort of know the drill ; a controversial topic told from multiple perspectives usually revolving around a judicial trial of some kind . Nineteen Minutes , The Pact , Handle With Care , My Sister 's Keeper , and Plain Truth ( to name most ) follow the same basic outline as this novel , one of her newer works … but this one fell a little below the mark for me . The basic argument of the novel , whether or not to terminate the life support of Luke Warren , is embodied by Luke 's two children : Edward , 23 , and Cara , 17 . Since their mother was divorced from the patient , the responsibility falls to their children to make medical decisions for him … and since Cara is just below the age of majority , the responsibility falls to Edward . BUT , Edward and his father had a major falling out and hasn 't spoken in 6 years , whereas Cara had been living with him exclusively for four years at the time of the accident , and makes it quite clear that she wants her voice to be heard , especially since she is the one fighting to keep him alive . So who should have the final say ? The main characters , to me , fell flat in this book - namely Edward and Cara . It almost seemed like Picoult needed the two kids to be dead - set in opposition , and forced them to be there until she was finished with what she needed to accomplish with them . It felt forced , flat , and fake , and at times I just wanted to skip ahead in the narrative because I 'd heard their positions already and both of their arguments were completely futile - they were both incredibly stubborn . Edward was more believable that Cara , and more likable ; she was very whiney , immature , and unlikable through most of the novel . Outside of those two , I found three other characters just as annoying - Georgie , Luke 's ex - wife , her husband and Edward 's lawyer , Joe Ng , and Danny Boyle , Cara 's lawyer . Outside of how irritating the narrator 's voice was for Georgie , I did not understand her as a character . If she was willing to marry Luke Warren in the first place , and put up with him for 18 years , including his departure for 2 years to live with the wolves in the Canadian Wilderness and his re - adaptation back into civilization , why would she have left him then ? First of all , I don 't believe that Luke Warren would have cheated on his wife - the man went 2 years without sex of any kind , and reveres an animal that would do anything and everything for family , I don 't think he 'd be bunking the interns . The story just sort of fell apart for me , near the end . Joe Ng , the man who married Luke 's ex - wife , is utterly insecure about his relationship with her . He seems to be in awe over her even though they 've been married with children for several years ( also , Georgie 's new kids are constantly referred to as ' The Twins ' … who does that ? ) . Both Joe and the other lawyer , Danny Boyle are not very consistently written , and their ' parts ' in the novel are quite insignificant . There is a piece in all of us ( I hope to think ) that longs to re - connect with nature . I am part Native American ( a very small part ) and I am absolutely fascinated with the respectful way of life many tribes seemed to have , and their belief systems . My mom & I have medicine cards that teach us the medicine of each animal , and what we can learn from them , and what it may mean when we encounter them in our lives ( either in dreams , thoughts , or in real life ) . Those cards are one of my favorite possessions . The wolf is a fascinating animal that we can all learn from - they will do anything and everything for the good of the pack - their family . They are not particularly violent , but cautious & protective . I feel like Picoult 's research on the animals was impeccable & I 'm motivated to learn more about them . Although Luke is a fictional character , there is a real man , Shaun Ellis , who lived the way Luke does in the novel , where Jodi drew much of her inspiration and did most of her research . - Even the ' runt ' of the pack serves an important purpose . They are called the Diffuser wolf , the one who is always getting picked on , and who purposefully jumps into all arguments and fights . His / Her job is to diffuse the tension ; to prevent large disruptions within the pack . Look at how beautiful these animals are . I would recommend everyone to read this book just for Luke Warren 's perspectives . Much of it may be fictional , but it was some of the best fiction I 've read in a Picoult novel . I got a little tired of Jodi Picoult 's ' formula ' here . In this case I felt much of the ' typical ' features she had in this book were unnecessary . The temporary guardian - the lawyers & trial - were they really necessary ? Could it not have just been a family struggle ? If she 'd toned down Edward 's initial reactions , much of the most unsuccessful parts of the story wouldn 't have been necessary . I 've read in a few places that people felt like this book must have been rushed by a publisher or something . Perhaps that was an issue , but to me it seemed like the author was stuck on an idea and was unwilling to change for the sake of the story and characters she created . I 've never really understood what authors ( like Stephen King ) mean when they say ' I create the situation and let the characters go where they will ' ( not a direct quote … paraphrase ! ) , until now . I think this is the first example I 've come across where it 's been apparent that 's not what happened . P . S . - My best friend just read The Storyteller ( Jodi Picoult 's newest novel , just released ) , and said it was her new favorite of Picoult 's . I plan to read it when it comes out as paperback ! Mr . Penumbra 's 24 - Hour Bookstore is 288 pages , and is told in very short micro - chapters and in three parts . It follows a young man , on a strange and somewhat fast - paced adventure spanning the Continental US and several hundred years . Clay , a computer programmer formerly employed in marketing , finds a job on the overnight shift at a quirky bookstore after being laid off by a Bagel cafe startup . Clay , like many of us in our generation , relies on Google searching and internet surfing for answers and random & often specific knowledge . He has talented friends and an eye for a young Google programmer who stopped by the shop one night . He becomes very curious about this little bookshop , which lends out more books than it sells , and they 're all written in code - not to mention those borrowing them are quite eccentric folk . As Clay , the girl , and his friends dig deeper into the bookstore mystery , the stakes raise and they find themselves traveling across the country to chase down answers . The writing , to me , seemed simple . The main character really didn 't seem like he had any special skills , besides corralling his talented friends and acquaintances to solve mysteries one small step at a time . Google is a very prominent ' character ' : Fruit Ninjas , Pixar , Wikipedia , and iPhones all get mentions as well - in that way , it 's a very modern book - but also for that reason , I really don 't think it 's going to span the ages . The adventure itself unfolds nicely enough , with just enough pitfalls and suspenseful moments , and it all gathers into a nice conclusion that I find satisfying enough . I 've been doing a lot of thinking about coincidence in story writing , ever since KM Weiland did a video about them , and I think this story just has way too much coincidence . Some of it I think is allowed , but some of them just don 't work as well . How is it that Kat - a super programmer whiz who works at Google - just happens to waltz into the bookstore that no one visits just when Clay is ready for a breakthrough on the program he 's working on ? Kat has several other shifty coincidences that I won 't lay out here to avoid any spoilers ! In fact , I think her character was the one I was most uneasy with throughout the entire novel . Anyone else feel the same way ? I rated this book with only three stars on Goodreads . Not to knock the story , it just wasn 't for me . To me , the whole book seemed only to scratch the surface of something bigger - just too light . I mean , I 'm all for adventure / mystery / thriller novels - I loved The DaVinci Code & Angels & Demons as much as the next person ( the next person that really liked it , that is ) , but I think this book almost serves as a bridge between young adult and adult fiction as opposed to the other end of the ' adult fiction ' spectrum . I know there are a lot of readers out there who are just looking for something they can pick up and read for entertainment and not necessarily to invest themselves in a book - for you , I recommend this book . Also , those of you who read primarily young adult fiction , I think you 'd enjoy this book . For those of you like me , who thrive on depth , woven plot lines , and really darn good writing , just know that this is probably a better ' break / in - between / vacation ' book than one you can really sink your teeth into . I 've been on something of a reading roll this month . I wanted to read a book I knew I would fly through and would just suck me straight in so I could forget how deperessed I was over The Paris Wife . I 've read many Jodi Picoult novels before , and after hearing from my friend that this was her favorite Picoult so far ( mine is tied between Second Chance & Plain Truth ) , and it just happened to be sitting on my shelf , I decided this would probably qualify . This book is about the Holocaust . I somewhat knew that already , but what I didn 't know was that 1 / 3 of the book would be dedicated to a first - hand ( fictional ) account of a young polish girl whose life was destroyed by the war and was eventually sent to Aushwitz . I did not expect this , because Jodi Picoult generally does not write that way . She usually picks a controversial topic , centers it around some kind of court case , and tells the gripping , emotional story that takes place in a moral grey - area from all sides . I think she tried to do that here , at least partly , but failed . I just finished writing my review of Mansfield Park , and in it , I wrote how it is unfair to judge a work by comparing it to the rest of the author 's work . Well , forget that , because that 's exactly why I didn 't like this book . I read Jodi Picoult books to be entertained ( also why I read Philippa Gregory ) . When you read 12 books by the same person ( I counted ) , you really start to get ahold of their writing style , their patterns … their comfort zone . The ' modern ' section of this book ( the other 2 / 3rds ) , just wasn 't good . I feel like she reused a character ( Cara Warren from Lone Wolf - the similarities in personality were undeniable ) , a situation ( the Jesus Bread , similar to scenes in Keeping Faith ) , and a tired formula ( the court case / lawyer thing just didn 't work in this book ) . The ending felt rushed , and the twist ending wasn 't that meaningful . Now , if you haven 't read any / many of Picoult 's novels , you would probably enjoy most of this book , but I would recommend others above it ( see those mentioned above ) . I admit - I 've become quite the snobby reader , so take my opinion with a grain of salt ; I know a lot of people will not agree with me in this case ( it 's average rating on goodreads is 4 . 23 with almost 50 , 000 reviewers - that 's incredibly high ) . I initially gave it three stars ( the middle section really was very good ) , but the more I think of it as a whole , I 've downgraded it on goodreads to only 2 . They can 't all be winners , eh ? Looking for a literary non - fiction read ? I recommend The View from the Cheap Seats by Neil Gaiman . emmabookblogger . wordpress . com / 2017 / 06 / 17 / tho … # bookreview # blog 1 day ago Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :
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July 9 , 2015 · 1 : 57 pm Slavery Serves Salvation : How God Can Hate What He Won 't Condemn Slavery : a boiling hot topic anytime it arises . We are a century and a half removed from the awful history of slavery in our country but time has not removed the ill - feelings towards it , nor should it . The current national requests for the removal of the Confederate flag , because it has such strong ties with supporting slavery , has only rejuvenated the discussions and debates and deep feelings and dark thoughts on the subject - that have been present all along , if only just beneath the surface . How do Christians interact with and respond to this ? From a human dignity position , the answer would seem unquestionably clear as to what position we take . But when we turn to Scripture for support , to try to find the verses that proclaim without a doubt that God and His people detest slavery , how do we wrestle with what Scripture has to say about slavery , or more pointedly , what it doesn 't say . Scripture doesn 't condemn slavery . That 's mind boggling because the concept of slavery seems so far removed from the gospel of love and grace and freedom that we proclaim . What room is there for slavery , especially racist slavery , in the message of God 's redeeming work ? That question , or the lack of a clear answer , has been enough to turn many away from God 's Word and the gospel . How can they embrace a God who neglects human dignity by allowing for slavery and even abusive slavery ? The Mosaic law gave restrictions to masters and allowances to slaves in the case of severe injuries - losing eyes or teeth ( Exodus 21 ) . And a master earned death or punishment if he was responsible for the death of a slave . But in that same verse , the slave is called the master 's " property " . How does objectification like that fit into the picture of God creating humans in his likeness and with dignity ? And even that there are laws to punish severe cruelty of slaves would suggest room for ( or at least turn a blind eye to ) modest cruelty and abuse towards slaves . What about a man being permitted by God to sell his daughter into slavery ? What about a male slave being forced to chose between his own freedom and his family ? What about a female slave having no say over when or to whom she is wedded , or even worse , not wedded but still taken advantage of ? These are difficult , painful , dark questions . I 've heard a handful of teachings that attempt to ( sometimes successfully ) explain and reconcile this , some with more historical validity than others , some with more understanding and compassion than others . But if the reality of slavery - in ancient history , modern history , and even current times - is truly examined , I don 't see how it can or should sit well with a believer . But today it hit me . A light bulb turned on . A moment of understanding - that may not explain all of what Scripture tells us about slavery , or every aspect of this immense issue - but that illuminated this subject in a way I had never considered it before . It 's a light that says , YES God allowed slavery , YES God ordained His people to practice ethical slavery , but that NO God does NOT prefer slavery , and quite possibly even that YES , GOD HATES SLAVERY ! Galatians 4 : 22 - 31 tells us . Particularly verse 24 which explains that Hagar and Sarah function as allegories ( not to discount the historical accuracy of their accounts ) , illustrating the two covenants , slavery through the law ( Hagar ) , and freedom through grace ( Sarah ) . Which is the entire message of Galatians . And the entire message of the Bible . The Mosaic Law was given as a shadow of the law of Christ to come ( Hebrews 10 ) . The old testament sacrifices to repeatedly atone ( pay ) for sins were a picture that paved the way for the Perfect Lamb who would make the sacrifice and atonement ( payment ) ONCE AND FOR ALL . The Law of Moses served to reveal sin so that we could seek redemption and freedom from that sin ( Romans 7 ) . And even though I 've read it so many times in so many ways , the analogy of slavery and freedom for sin and salvation suddenly hit home . I mean , I 've KNOWN the analogy is there , it 's undeniable all throughout Scripture . I 've KNOWN what it means . I 've KNOWN how it feels to pray , " Wretched man that I am ! Who will set me free from the body of this death ? " ( Romans 7 : 24 ) . But suddenly all of Scripture unfolded before me . Suddenly I saw that I 've been thinking about it backwards or inside out . Human slavery is not the source , the original truth , from which spiritual slavery and freedom borrowed the analogy . Rather , spiritual slavery and freedom is the source , the original truth , that God designed an analogy for when he ordained and allowed for human slavery . From the first time in ancient history that one man forced his power and control over another , slavery was meant to demonstrate the depth of depravity of sin . God allowed slavery and even designed slavery to give us a real , tangible , first - hand illustration - NOT to degrade human dignity - but precisely to emphasize the depth of human dignity . That human dignity is not to be found in the fallen , sinful state we are inescapably born into , but that human dignity can ONLY be fully and truly found in being broken free from slavery , primarily slavery to sin . Yes . Because that analogy would save billions from a far - worse slavery that would last for far beyond millenia , into eternity . I 'm not trying to say this should be an easy answer that settles well with us . It should burden us unbearably . It should ache into our very bones . The curse of sin is horrendous . It IS sin that leads to slavery . It IS sin that causes human slavery to be painful and bitter and destructive , regardless of when in history it happened or with what people group . It IS that awful sin in the here and now that will lead to the eternal devastation of souls . And that is precisely why and how and where we seek freedom in the only source that will ensure true , eternal freedom . We seek it for the sake of human dignity . A human dignity that can never be truly reached in the state of sinful fallenness , but that must come from a rebirth that can only result from understanding the deep , dark reality of slavery and therefore the rich , bliss of freedom . Someone shared the point with me yesterday that if the Messiah that the Jews had awaited for so long had come as they expected him to come - an earthly King who would save them politically from Roman oppression , and not as the perfect lamb to die - that the entire nation , and earth for that matter , would be obliterated . The religious Jews were expecting " Thy Kingdom come " but God 's kingdom was for the redeemed - those who had been made imperishable by the blood of the Lamb ( including Old Testament saints whose faith rested in the fulfillment of that promise ) . If the Messiah did not disappoint their expectations , by coming instead to die and make all things new , there would be no one to bring into the kingdom . No one on earth would be made imperishable and the coming of God 's Kingdom would cause them all to perish because it could not be tainted by the Kingdom of the imperishable . ( 1 Corinthians 15 : 50 ) Some of the most precious hymns , and really the entire genre of gospel music , originated from black slaves who desperately sought freedom from oppression in the American South . I can only imagine how much they wished and hoped and desperately dreamed that the freedom they sang about would come in a tangible form during their lifetime . But the hymns often reflect an admirably eternal perspective , acknowledging that even if they weren 't freed from human slavery here on earth , they would receive true freedom from sin and oppression when they faced death . " Swing low , sweet chariot / In that way , slaves must have had an immensely deeper understanding the gospel and the freedom that the gospel brings , than those of us who haven 't experienced any form of human slavery . Because they understood the bitter turmoil of the effects of sin more than most of us ever will , it 's sure that those who trusted Christ are experiencing a blissful freedom from sin and human anguish beyond what we can ever comprehend ( Luke 7 : 47 ) . I know I have absolutely no place to speak to a slave 's experiences , either to try to relate to the weight of the negative they experienced or to try to project positivity . But I do know what Galatians teaches us . And now I understand it better . " For it is written that Abraham had two sons , one by the bondwoman and one by the free woman . But the son by the bondwoman was born according to the flesh , and the son by the free woman through the promise . This is allegorically speaking : for these women are two covenants , one proceeding from Mount Sanai bearing children who are to be slaves ; she is Hagar . Now this Hagar is Mount Sinai in Arabia , and corresponds to the present Jerusalem , for she is in slavery with her children . But the Jerusalem above is free ; she is our mother . For it is written , ' Rejoice , barren woman who does not bear ; Break forth and shout , you who are not in labor ; For more are the children of the desolate Than of the one who has a husband . ' And you brethren , like Isaac , are children of promise . But as at that time he who was born according to the flesh persecuted him who was born according to the Spirit , so it is now also . But what does the Scripture say ? ' Cast out the bondwoman and her son , For the son of the bondwoman shall not be an heir with the son of the free woman . ' So then , brethren , we are not children of a bondwoman , but of the free woman . " In the words of John MacArthur explaining the casting out of Hagar , in his chapter on Sarah from the book Twelve Extraordinary Women : " Harsh as it may have seemed , there was a very crucial , necessary , and positive spiritual principle in the expulsion of Hagar and Ishmael . This symbolized the important truth that the kind of religion that is dependent on human effort ( symbolized by the carnal scheme that conceived Ishmael as an artificial fulfillment of God 's promise ) is utterly incompatible with divine grace ( symbolized by Isaac , the true heir of God 's promise ) . And the two are so hostile to one another that they cannot even abide in close proximity . " The account of Abraham and his heirs is an odd one for our culture to comprehend , and maybe for any culture . It 's hard to process what the individuals in the account must have experienced . So much personal anguish and injustice in the story , from every perspective . It can 't really be explained from a human dignity perspective , why God would allow it . Unless God had something bigger going on . Unless there was something more at stake here than Abraham or Sarah or Hagar or Isaac or Ishmael ( which takes a bit of humility to accept ) . Among other , obvious , big - picture plans , God very specifically wanted to use this instance of slavery ( Hagar ) to illustrate salvation by grace alone . This wasn 't an afterthought . God didn 't spell out this Genesis account just to think back to it while he was inspiring Paul to write Galatians and tell Paul , " Oh hey , this works as a good allegory , use this ! " It was God 's intention from the beginning of Abraham 's life to work out the details to provide the Galatian believers ( and all believers to follow ) an allegory of freedom through grace - based salvation versus slavery through works - based attempts at salvation . It was God 's intention from the beginning of time when he allowed sin to penetrate this world - knowing all of the devastating affects it would have - to allow sin to lead to human slavery and even wretchedly abusive slavery , in order to paint the very real and very grotesque picture of what slavery to sin looks like so that he could draw His children away from the terrors of being enslaved to sin and into the comfort and peace of true freedom from sin that comes by grace alone . That 's why God would permit and not condemn slavery - a representation of the captivity to the sin which he hates - even among His people Israel , and later among the church His bride . He needed the illustration to persist and its filth to convict and speak to our needy hearts . I know there 's still plenty of loose - ends to work through in these thoughts on slavery and salvation but God 's big - picture use of slavery throughout Scripture and history is undeniable . He 's consistently revealed Himself and His ways through Scripture in such a way that we know He sovereignly causes all things to work for His good and glory ( Romans 8 : 28 , Genesis 50 : 20 ) even when others mean them for harm and destruction and pure wickedness . But neither in any way does God commit evil nor condone evil . And in every way His character is absolutely upright and just and good . The only conclusion then , when discussing any sin , tragedy , travesty , disaster , you name it , is that God justly ordained it ( designed it , not just allowed it , because He 's bigger and bolder than that ) and that the end results ( even a very far away end ) will be absolutely good and God - glorifying . The same is true of the wretched history of slavery . Since slavery illustrates sin and it 's devastation , God absolutely hates slavery . But what He hates more , and what He simply can 't tolerate , is letting sin triumph . So neither will slavery triumph . Hence why God gave our world slavery , to draw His children away from sin and to provide ultimate freedom beyond our comprehension . Disclaimer : I 'm NOT AT ALL intending this post to be an exhaustive analysis of the Scriptures ( NOR history ! ) on this topic , NOR imagining I am considering all the questions to be answered . I know it 's a massive discussion to be had and I 'm only touching on the tip of the iceberg . But for me , it was the tip that revealed the potential rest of the iceberg to me . So this is a personal reflection on one passage ( Galatians 4 ) and a proposed theory of how that passage enlightens our understanding of topic of slavery and how it relates to the rest of Scripture . January 14 , 2015 · 9 : 01 pm " Why " or " Can We Afford to Chew " : An impression from Didion 's The Last Thing He Wanted I could list many books that have made an impression on me ; several of them written by Joan Didion . But one book by Didion took me by surprise . It started as an easy read for escapism but as the pages turned it impressed upon my soul a feeling - a weight , a haunt , even - that still resonates months after I returned the completed book to the shelf . The Last Thing He Wanted is a political mystery / thriller - not a genre I 'm typically drawn to . It 's neither my favorite nor the most revered of Didion 's works . It was an enjoyable enough read , a refreshing change of pace for me , and reflects Didion 's gift of straightforward yet soulful , staccato storytelling . Yet Didion weaves into her erratic mystery the riveting theme of " why " . The impenetrable question that drives so much of our reflection and life . Why ? What led to this ? How did this come to be ? What parts of my long , sordid history brought me to this point , right here and right now ? Motivated me to this action ? And most of all , Didion asks , does it even matter ? A character in the novel , while considering omitting from her autobiography the death of her childhood best friend , says : " Because it didn 't actually change my life . I mean I cried , I was sad , I wrote a lot about it in my diary , yes , but what changed ? " The character 's mother ( the book 's narrator ) reflects in response , " I recall explaining that ' change ' was merely the convention at hand : I said that while it was true that the telling of a life tended to falsify it , gave it a form it did not intrinsically possess , this was just a fact of writing things down , something we all accepted . I realized as I was saying this that I no longer did . " The narrator continues , after a tangent , " The business of Elena McMahon , then , is hard for me . This business of what ' changed ' her , what ' motivated ' her , what made her do it . " That business is hard for me , too . I 've spent many long nights and foggy journaling mornings searching for that answer , sure that such shed light would revolutionize my life , convinced that such an answer was the key to unlock my moving forward . Stagnant without it . Struggling , swimming , sinking even , as I tread water on that question of why , what changes me , what motivates . How did I get here ? How did I become who I am ? What made me into whatever this I that I have become ? Finding that answer would certainly propel me forward , part the waters , be the wave to crash me onto the shore . For even that kind of movement would be going somewhere . It would get me to land . As the novel progresses , the narrator reflects on another character , " Treat Morrison himself appeared to have no interest in examining what I am distressed to notice I was choosing to call ' his formative years . ' … Treat Morrison said nothing for a moment . ' A lot of people get some big mystical kick out of chewing over things that happened forty , forty - five years ago , ' he said the , . ' Little sad stories about being misunderstood by their mother or getting snubbed at school or whatever . I 'm not saying it 's self - indulgent or self - pitying or any other damn thing . I 'm just saying I can 't afford it . So I don 't do it . " I know that " mystical kick " all too well and the vicious cycle of degradations it can lead one on . I know that " chewing over things that happened " and the inevitable jaw ache that follows , bringing no satisfaction to the craving nor soul - thirsting hunger . And I know that the answer to the question " Why ? " will not wrap up a story with happy endings nor bring resolution . Because I know that the answer may never come , nor even exist . And so , Treat Morrison , of all the impotent and uninspiring characters to exist , you have inspired . You have left an impression that this waxen heart desperately craved . You have planted a question that has overgrown and replaced the age - old , endlessly nagging adage of " Why ? " with the transformative catharsis of , " Can I afford to contemplate it ? " Haven 't you read the articles and blog posts about the importance of giving your full attention to your child and not to a lifeless electronic object ? The ones about how much your child needs your active presence and not your passive oversight ? The ones about your child 's precious personality and how that child thrives on your interaction which you deprive them of when you interact with your phone instead ? What about the ones about the brevity of their youth and liveliness and how you better take advantage of all the moments now before they are gone forever ? The fact of the matter is , sitting on that park bench , phone in hand , the screen 's warm rays glowing in your face , may just be the only five minutes of ( relative ) peace and quiet you get before bedtime . ( Nap time isn 't what they promise you . Despite all the well - wishing older women who encourage you to use that time to " nap " yourself , you know that if you actually did , the household really , truly would finally collapse from utter neglect . ) Moms , you are the mender , the healer , the carer , the giver , the supporter , the cheerleader , you name it . Your child knows that . Five minutes on your phone is not going to change your child 's perspective of you . It 's not going to damage your relationship with them . It 's not going to stunt their development . It IS going to reassure them that you are there and that you do prioritize them because you DO put down your phone when your child needs you ( or a band - aid , or a juice - box , or a potty - break ) . You DO look up at them when they call for your attention as they hang upside - down on the monkey - bars for the hundredth time that day . You DO allow your brain to overflow and become immensely scattered as you respond to every demand from every direction , ( often via your phone ) : home , church , job , family , friends , and of course , those sweet , sweet children . And you know what else ? You DO take that five minutes to disappear into the land of Smart - Phonia ( and , yes , even Social Media ) , to unwind , to reset . You take that breather so that when the bell rings , you can dive back into the game with as much gusto as ever . You know your limits and you do what it takes to not surpass those limits so that you can continue be the giving , caring , active parent that you need to be . And you pray . You beg for grace . You join arms ( often electronically ) with the other mothers out there on their knees , thankful when you 've made it through one more day , when you 've advanced your child one day further into this crazy adventure called life . Don 't get me wrong , I 'm not discounting all those articles out there encouraging you to get off your phone so you can be a more active and involved parent . I think they provide an immensely valuable reminder of how priceless the role and responsibilities of a parent are . I have been sincerely inspired and challenged by them to sacrifice myself even more to be as much of a parent as I can be , by God 's strength and grace . Let me remind you as I remind myself that five minutes of Scripture reading , meditating , and prayer can give us so much more than any Instagram update . It 's okay to let our children see us on the phone . But it 's empowering ( to us and to them ) to let our children see us pray . April 18 , 2013 · 9 : 16 am My Birth Story : Juniper Like all good stories , this one begins a long time ago ; particularly , during my first pregnancy . I had heard enough advocacy for natural childbirth throughout my life to be slightly suspicious of the typical hospital method of birth . So before I delved into the experience myself , I spent a good amount of time researching birthing options . It started with watching the documentary The Business of Being Born and then borrowing from the library the book by the same authors , Your Best Birth . I also borrowed and read Ina May 's Guide to Childbirth . Two other books that I bought and found very helpful were The Thinking Woman 's Guide to a Better Birth and Active Birth . I realized a little too late that I probably read TOO much . I knew what I wanted and what I didn 't want but then it was a matter of what was actually plausible and possible for us to pursue . I was disappointed to find we had no local birthing centers . I was hesitant to deliver my first child at home , without any idea of what to expect . But most decidedly , our insurance wouldn 't cover any portion of a home birth , but - go figure - would almost completely cover a ( much more expensive ) hospital birth . So I did what I had to do : wrote out a very thorough birth plan and labored at home as long as I could before heading to the hospital . Altogether I labored for 10 hours , six in the hospital . The on - call doctor was actually fairly supportive of my birth plan and the nurses were nice enough . The experience wasn 't horrible . I tried to move around and walk when I could but did spend most of the time in the hospital laboring ( and pushing ) on my back . I was about 90 % sure I was going to die ( or at least would prefer to die ) during transition , all of which I spent curled up in fetal position myself . Even though I had requested to tear naturally instead of receive an episiotomy , my doctor talked me into one at the last minute , literally in - between pushes . I wasn 't quite in the position to resist . So instead of precious moments bonding with my baby right after birth , I had to cringe through who - knows - how - many stitches . All in all , it was enough to make me want something different the second time around . And thankfully , my husband 's new job meant new insurance - one that would cover a portion of home birth ! ( Also one with a high deductible that we would have to pay anyway - might as well pay it to a model of care I felt supportive of ! ) This change happened a third of the way through my pregnancy so I got in touch with LB , a local midwife who came highly recommended from a good friend , home birth advocate , and doula - in - training J ( who will also come into the story later ) . Everything seemed to indicate I was a good candidate for homebirth . The only hesitation was that LB would be out of state for a training conference early in the month that I was due . Since I wasn 't due until the 18th and had that date fairly well confirmed by an early ultrasound , we thought we would be safe . My first baby came a day after her due date and LB was due to return with almost a week and a half to spare if this baby came on time . Just in case , another local midwife JB would be on call if anything happened while LB was gone . So we went ahead and pursued prenatal care with LB . With all that prefacing , I 'm sure you can imagine where this story is headed . I met with LB on a typical prenatal care schedule but the tone and atmosphere was completely different than the sterile , impersonal doctor 's office . She came to my home , often bringing along her own baby . The visits were warm and friendly , making it easy to ask plenty of questions and to feel well informed . Instead of getting curt , matter - of - fact answers that I often got from the medical system , LB gave thorough explanations , sharing her deep knowledge and understanding of the entire pregnancy and birth process . I met with LB a day before she left town and everything was progressing well . I promised , jokingly , that I wouldn 't take any long walks or do anything else that might spur on labor . I could tell my body was gradually progressing towards labor , with the usual surge in nesting and whatnot , but nothing told me it was urgently impending . I figured I still had a good week or two which would give LB plenty of time to return . On Thursday ( my 38 week point ! ) I entertained the idea of skipping the women 's Bible study I attend just because I was tired . But I knew it could be one of my last to attend , so I went and felt fine . Friday morning I woke up feeling mostly rested , until after breakfast at which point I crashed on the couch and didn 't move for the next hour . Thank goodness for Blue 's Clues to entertain my two year old until my husband conveniently had a mid - morning break from work . I even looked up if sudden exhaustion was a symptom of the onset of labor . Of course it was , but no more so than any of the other symptoms that could put you either hours or weeks away from baby . On Saturday I took another substantial nap within hours of waking up . It was refreshing so in the afternoon the husband took me and Cailyn out for frozen yogurt . We walked around a bit , including through the grocery store - I love that hunch that told me to go ahead and get two gallons of milk as well as a few other groceries we were low on . Throughout the day I had been feeling more Braxton Hicks than usual but I attributed that to the walking I had done . They weren 't necessarily more intense , just more frequent . To switch to a slightly more graphic mode , on Saturday I had also noticed an increase in cervical mucus , including streaks of red . But again , I knew that didn 't guarantee anything immediate . By the end of the day I had lost several small pieces of what must have been my mucus plug . I got excited but still assumed labor was several days off . The several days it would take LB to return , of course . Saturday night I stayed up until 11pm . I had discovered during the last week that the later I stayed up , the easier it was to stay asleep through the night . Sam was still up in the living room . Soon after I lay down in bed , I felt a few Braxton Hicks . Or so I assumed . I felt them in my abdomen and not my back and didn 't feel the telltale rising and peaking of a real contraction . But after feeling a handful of them within 45 minutes , I thought it might be worth timing them . I was quickly surprised to find the contractions coming every five minutes or so . Then I got a handful of contractions coming every two minutes . By then they started feeling like real contractions , building in intensity before fading again . They were only lasting 20 - 30 seconds at that point , and weren 't quite stopping me in my tracks , but the fact that they were there still caught me by surprise . By 12 : 15am , I went and told Sam and as he got over the initial stun , I fumbled around about what to do next . Part of me was still hesitant to believe that labor was starting . With Cailyn , I remember several nights of sporadic contractions before real labor started . I was hoping that could be the case here , but went ahead and called JB , our back - up midwife , to let her know what was going on and to hopefully get some feedback on what I should do next . I was immediately comforted by her warm , friendly voice . She carefully listened to me describe my contractions . And then with a slightly nervous chuckle she told me she was already on the way to another birth . Imagine both of our surprise ! She still gave me 100 % attention on the phone though , walking me through a number of questions and giving appropriate advice . Based on my descriptions of the contractions , she thought they were still sporadic enough that active labor may be a way off . She suggested several things to try to slow labor progress so she could hopefully attend her first birth and then make it to me in time , telling me to contact her in the meantime if anything changed . I got off the phone with her around 12 : 30pm and I followed her first suggestions by filling up the bath tub with warm water while Sam made me a cup of hot tea . Sam then asked if he should start setting up the birth pool we had rented . My first reaction was that it was too soon to be bothering with that , but I then realized there was nothing we were waiting on . He left me in the bathroom to soak and time my contractions and went to work on the pool in the other room . Starting to consider that it was quite possible JB might not make it in time , I called friend / doula J who had already offered / agreed to attend our birth . Thankfully she was already awake and functions well as a night owl . She talked to me for a few minutes and said she would come over when I wanted her to . Of course , still ( wishfully ) thinking I had plenty of time , I told her I would let her know when that was . Soaking in the bath did help with relaxation . The contractions had begun to pick up intensity before I got in the tub but once in the water , it was easier to get through them . I continued to time the contractions . It gave me something to focus on to get through them . I tried to balance fighting off the creeping intimidation and fear of possibly giving birth without a midwife there , while also holding onto it somewhat , knowing ( and hoping ) that fear could slow and inhibit labor . But in my case , contractions kept coming consistently every two minutes , lasting about 30 to 40 seconds , gradually longer . JB had said that they should be hitting at least 40 seconds to make significant progress so I tried to hold off for 30 minutes of consistency at that level before updating her , but I caved just short of that and texted her around 1 : 30am . She asked if they felt strong . At 1 : 36am I replied saying yes , they were significantly painful . And painful they were . Originally the water had helped toned down the pain but it had gotten to the point that the water didn 't seem to make a difference . I began feeling the contractions much more in my back to the point that I couldn 't just recline in the water . Also to the point that I couldn 't stay silent . What started as mild moaning to get through the peak of the contractions turned , within a few contractions , to not being able to hold back a yell . This was right after I had texted JB and it sent Sam running to the bathroom ( yes , he had still been dutifully setting up and filling the pool for me ; and yes , I had still been anticipating transferring from the cramped , shallow tub to a real soaker . ) I couldn 't say much to Sam at that point , except that it hurt . Based on the timeframe and the pace of my contractions , I had estimated I was maybe halfway progressed . And that thought was almost unbearable . The pain was coming in such strong waves that I couldn 't fathom bearing it for several more hours or even several more minutes . I started thinking that the only option might be to call 911 and maybe make it to the hospital where I could cave to an epidural . An intense pressure built up within me . It released suddenly with a BM and simultaneously a gush of fluid . The former was obvious and easy to acknowledge ( sorry for the TMI , but this is a birth story ) , the latter took me a moment to process - my water had broken ! Maybe I was closer to delivery than I thought ! But a moment was all it took because within seconds of that I was crowning . I 'm not sure quite my words or tone , but I immediately let Sam know and he dialed JB right away . Before he could even get her on the line and before I could get beyond the quick thought that I needed to try to push slowly so I could avoid tearing , her head was out . Her head was OUT . Suddenly all the pain and intensity was gone . Time seemed to freeze . I suddenly couldn 't remember what I should do next . I knew I had to wait for the next contraction to deliver her shoulders but the minute that it took for that contraction to come seemed to last forever . During that time JB was on the phone talking Sam through what to do . I remember asking Sam to ask JB if it was okay that the baby 's head was under water . Of course I knew it was safe for a baby to be born in water ; I had even planned for it . But something about the suddenness of her arrival and the reality of it happening here and now threw me off guard . But then that one quick push came and she came all the way out . It was 1 : 40am : two and a half hours since my first contractions and two and half minutes since the contractions reached such intensity I thought I wouldn 't make it ( which should 've told me that it was time to deliver ) . I pulled her up to my chest , just like that . I held her tight for just a moment before pulling her back to look at her face and to check that she was breathing . ( She was ! ) In the meantime , JB had told Sam to call a third local midwife , LC , who could come quicker than she would be able to . But because of the suddenness of it all , she also suggested we call 911 as they could arrive faster to make sure everything was ok . Sam did call 911 and the dispatcher walked him through a few more steps to make sure the baby was breathing clearly and such . The firemen arrived pretty quickly and before they did I had delivered the placenta and Sam had clamped the umbilical cord . I had also managed to send a text to J and my MIL to come because the baby was here . J arrived soon after the firemen and was a perfect balance of calming and controlling presence , especially in contrast to the firemen ( God bless their souls ) whose big , burly presence didn 't quite fit the atmosphere . They did provide Sam with a scalpel so he could cut the cord . Then the EMT arrived and asked what hospital I wanted to be taken to . When I said I planned to give birth at home and didn 't want to be taken to the hospital if I didn 't need to be , she gave me a blank stare before saying she needed to check what to do because she had never responded to a home delivery that didn 't want to be taken to the hospital . ( All we had to do was sign a waiver ) . Another nice EMT checked my vitals . In the midst of this , Juniper latched on and started her first feeding . I also remembered to check to make sure she really was a girl and in - between various interruptions to look over and discover that she had all her fingers and toes and that she really was quite perfect . She had surprisingly thick , dark hair ( I was expecting another baldy ) , dark blue eyes , a clear complexion , and a round little head . Debates are still out on who she most resembles . In the hustle and bustle , Cailyn had also woken up and got to come in and see me and meet Juniper ( after we had gotten cleaned up a little bit ) . She was half asleep and as stunned as the rest of it , but handled it impressively , catching on right away that her new baby sister had finally come and being sincerely happy about it . My in laws also arrived and took part in the excitement before taking Cailyn home to stay the rest of the night with them . And pretty soon the emergency responders all trickled out while J stayed to help Sam take care of baby and me . J and Sam helped me back to bed and by that time LC , the third ( and final ! ) midwife arrived . Even though I hadn 't met her before and my first contact with her was a middle - of - the - night phone call ( after she had just attended two births in the past day ) , she was as sweet and as helpful as could be . She checked me over , especially because the walk back to bed had caused me to get light headed and almost pass out . She was a little concerned about my blood pressure and pulse but after having me recline and breathe deeply , they improved . She did conclude that I had lost a good amount of blood but nothing that bed rest and some chlorophyll couldn 't fix . I had also torn but mildly compared to before and not enough to warrant stitches ( yay ! ) . LC also examined Juniper and found her to be in great shape . She weighed in at seven pounds , five ounces ( compared to Cailyn 's eight pounds eleven ounces ! ) and 20 inches long . J stuck around to help her and was so dear to make sure everything got cleaned up . Sometime after 4am everyone had left and Sam and I settled into bed ( our own cozy bed ! ) with the sweetest little baby in - between us and just stared at each other in disbelief . All the times and all the ways I had imagined our birth possibly going , I had never imagined anything like this . And as shocking and almost traumatic as it was , I really don 't know if I would have it any other way . I was SO thankful for the midwives ' help , even if from afar or after awhile . LC came back and checked in on us the next day . And LM visited and checked in on us upon her return from out of state and again a few days after that . I can only imagine how great it would 've been to have one of them , especially our original midwife LM , present during the labor and delivery but there was also something empowering about getting through it with just Sam by my side . Don 't get me wrong , I don 't think I would plan for my next birth alone ! But experiencing first hand that " birth works " is something else . Between instinct and education I had become convinced that natural birth was the way to go . But knowing it is nothing compared to doing it . And ultimately I am so thankful to God that I was able to do it , have my husband by my side , and most of all able to come out of it holding a healthy , beautiful little girl and having health myself . DIY Frosted Animal Cookies Tutorial Hello blogging world . I know I 've been gone a pathetically long time . I have no excuse other than life being busy . Or me being lazy . Or both . Believe it or not , I did start composing a handful of posts just to get interrupted and then not come back and finish them . And I 've had ideas for many more posts that never got started . It 's not that I haven 't been doing anything . I 'm actually in the midst a sewing streak right now - the longest I 've had in years ! If I work my way back to try to cover some of the interesting / creative things I 've done over the past few months , I could have content for weeks ! But that 's a big " if . " As much as I like writing and as much as I like crafting , it can be counter - intuitive for me to try to write about crafting . Because then I 'm spending time writing instead of crafting and vice verse or something . But enough of my sad story . I love me some Mother 's Circus Animal Cookies . There 's something so perfect about the frosting , the soft cookie inside , the SPRINKLES outside . Mmmmm ! But they get pricey when added to the weekly grocery budget . THAT insight joined a long - overdue lightbulb that goes waaay back to November when I helped my MIL make cupcakes for my SIL 's baby shower . The cupcakes we made came from the book What 's New , Cupcake ? by Karen Tack & Alan Richardson which contains some of the cutest , most creative cupcakes I 've ever seen . We made the cupcakes called " Shower Heads " which is such a clever play on baby showers . They are simply mini - cupcakes with wafer cookies on top to make the faces . As you can see , the wafer cookies have a smooth coating which I thought would be chocolate . BUT IT ISN ' T ! No , not at all . The amazingly smooth , creamy coating for the faces is FROSTING . Just plain - ole , store - bought , in - a - jar frosting ! When I heard that I almost gave up hope . I 'm not at all a cake artist and I definitely can 't manage frosting . If I get it on the cupcake ( and not in my mouth by the spoonful ) that 's an accomplishment . Forget trying to make it smooth ! But , I 've taken a detour from my original topic . Although I 'm hoping you have guessed where this goes . The brilliant method I discovered back in November for making cute little edible baby faces could , get this ( ! ) , make ANIMAL COOKIES ! So I took a couple big handfuls of the plain , boring animal crackers out of my daughter 's tub . ( She loves them , by the way . But she doesn 't know better , yet . ) I scooped a few generous spoonfuls of frosting into a microwave - safe bowl . And … I microwaved it ! For all of 5 seconds . And then another few seconds at a time until it was smooth . Then you take a regular dinner or salad fork and use it to dip the cookie in the frosting . If your frosting is deep enough in the bowl , you can just dip the cracker in on the fork and pull it all out , nicely coated . If you 're reaching the bottom of your bowl , like I was , you can flip the cracker over a couple times until it 's coated . Then - this is important - take advantage of the slots in the fork and let plenty of the runny , goey frosting drip off . Even rub the bottom of the cracker against the side of the bowl , to get rid of excess . Believe me , the cracker will still have plenty of frosting on it . If you leave too much , the frosting will form a big puddle under your cracker when you set it down . Then just slide the crackers ( crackers ? I should start calling them cookies now that they officially have more sugar than nutrients ) off the fork and onto the wax paper . Gravity will do most of the work for you . If your frosting starts to loose its smoothness or gets difficult to work with , just pop it in the microwave again . Unlike can happen with chocolate , I never noticed any detriment to my frosting when I re - microwaved it . I guess the time is so short ( again , just 5 seconds ! ) that you aren 't coming close to burning it . I found that when I sprinkled too soon , the sprinkles would sink down into the frosting after a while . It didn 't affect the taste at all , but they didn 't look quite as pleasant as when the sprinkles rested on top of the frosting a little bit . So test it out to find the right timing to let the frosting set without letting it get so solid that sprinkles won 't stick . And if you 're making a large batch of cookies , take a couple breaks in between dipping to sprinkle . Once you 've finished these unbelievably simple steps , you 'll want to dig right in . ( Cailyn obviously did . ) So go ahead . But popping them in the fridge for a few hours definitely helps them set ! The longer they were in the fridge ( 12 + hours ) the more the frosting hardened so the texture became like that of the Circus Animal Cookies . Until then , they tasted wonderful but there was a distinct difference from the store - bought kind . The homemade ones were . . moister ? They were pretty much like frosting on cookies ( and who would argue with that ? ! ) But giving them that time to set allowed the frosting to become a little more candy - coating like , as you expect from the store - bought variety . If that makes sense ? Anyway , the only way they lasted the 12 + hours is because I wanted to test the time they needed to set . I think I snuck one ( or more ) every hour . It was just the right amount to feed my sweet - tooth . ( Okay , who am I kidding ? I could 've eaten 50 of them without blinking an eye . ) Cailyn thought they were pretty exciting , once I let her at ' em . I only let her have a few because I didn 't want her to get smart and start rejecting the frosting - free animal crackers ( and because I obviously ate the rest of the frosted ones . ) But she certainly enjoyed them ! March 30 , 2012 · 8 : 25 pm September 18 , 2011 · 3 : 41 pm Why Calvinism is Confusing and Where Logic Comes In Calvinism … Five Points … TULIP : these terms go far to clarify a doctrine to those who see and believe it . But to those who don 't see or believe it , or don 't know or understand the doctrine , these terms can muddle it all the more . In the few discussions / debates I 've had on the topic , it seems easy for people to say " I don 't agree with Calvinism " or " I don 't believe in the five points . " Honestly , that 's all fair and good . But what I don 't hear as often or don 't see people quick to say is , " I disagree with election " or " I don 't believe in predestination . " At the heart of that line ( and those verses ) is the doctrine of man 's utter depravity . I believe a true Christian would be hard - pressed to deny utter depravity . It 's foundational to the teaching of the gospel and the acceptance thereof . ( See also : Romans 3 : 9 - 12 ; 23 . Romans 8 : 7 - 8 . Job 15 : 14 - 16 . Mark 10 : 18 . 1 John 1 : 8 - 10 . ) With man 's utter depravity in mind , particularly the following aspects : " No one seeks God " ( Rom 3 : 11 ) and " For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God , for it does not submit to God 's law ; indeed , it cannot " ( Rom 8 : 7 ) , there seems but one logical conclusion to make . Since we couldn 't seek God , God first sought us . And ( returning to 1 John 4 ) since we couldn 't love , God first loved us . The slight step beyond that then , is that if God initiated salvation by loving us , making that love know to us , calling us , and opening our heart to submit to Him , then He would see it through to salvation . That 's the " I " of Calvin 's TULIP : Irresistible Grace , FYI . And I suspect that 's one of the most logically challenging parts of the doctrine for many people to " accept " : that if God calls us / chose us / opened our hearts to Him , we won 't be able to resist that but will ( eventually ) respond with saving faith . But it 's not just logic ! It 's written throughout Scripture . The most commonly referenced passage to explain that is probably Romans 8 : 30 : " And those whom he predestined he also called , and those whom he called he also justified , and those whom he justified he also glorified . " John 6 : 37 & 44 : " All that the Father gives me will come to me , and whoever comes to me I will never cast out … No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him . And I will raise him up on the last day . " Romans 9 : 10 - 24 : " And not only so , but also when Rebekah had conceived children by one man , our forefather Isaac , though they were not yet born and had done nothing either good or bad - in order that God 's purpose of election might continue , not because of works but because of him who calls - she was told , " The older will serve the younger . " As it is written , " Jacob I loved , but Esau I hated . " What shall we say then ? Is there injustice on God 's part ? By no means ! For he says to Moses , " I will have mercy on whom I have mercy , and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion . " So then it depends not on human will or exertion , but on God , who has mercy . For the Scripture says to Pharaoh , " For this very purpose I have raised you up , that I might show my power in you , and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth . " So then he has mercy on whomever he wills , and he hardens whomever he wills . You will say to me then , " Why does he still find fault ? For who can resist his will ? " But who are you , O man , to answer back to God ? Will what is molded say to its molder , " Why have you made me like this ? " Has the potter no right over the clay , to make out of the same lump one vessel for honorable use and another for dishonorable use ? What if God , desiring to show his wrath and to make known his power , has endured with much patience vessels of wrath prepared for destruction , in order to make known the riches of his glory for vessels of mercy , which he has prepared beforehand for glory - even us whom he has called , not from the Jews only but also from the Gentiles ? " [ Emphasis added . ] It really is best summed up as Doctrines of Grace because it depends on nothing more . Nothing I do . Nothing you do . No qualities of my own that could earn His favor . No move in my own heart to choose God . No attempt of my own to seek Him . It leaves no room for pride , arrogance , or even legalism , despite our own bent towards those . Streams Books Don 't Grow On Trees · Cultivating Creativity in Craft , Mind & Spirit Blog at WordPress . com . Books Don 't Grow On Trees Create a free website or blog at WordPress . com . Post to
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I could not quite recall the root of my upset , though ; or much of anything else . Even my own name seemed blurry . But what I was beginning to understand was that my stomach hurt . And I was terribly hungry . I had only a general idea of where I was . The location was familiar - a solitary tree at the top of the hill , surrounded by a cozy bed of leaves - but as for how I had gotten there , that was a mystery . It seemed that I had endeavored to get away from something very quickly and collapsed here . Blood will make a strigoi drunk , and blood that is further imbibed with a hearty dose of alcohol is rather potent . The man that came upon me was dragging a large cloth bag . He smelled like beer and he was muttering in a delirious way under his breath . When he stooped to scoop a handful of dead leaves into his bag I leapt and clasped my hands about his throat and filled my mouth with that heady stuff . My good sense returned to me all in a scramble : I remembered who I was and just what had happened . I wished it had not all come back at once , for my headache got considerably worse . Firstly , the Iele , secondly , Mother Forest , thirdly , the removal of my ribbon , fourth … ly , the fact that Mother Forest was not Mother Forest and was , in fact , a golem in disguise , and finally , the seed that had got shoved down my throat that was meant to sprout and control me . At least it was a bed , though . I had not laid in a bed for a good long while ; surprisingly , it was quite a bit more comfortable than curling up in some muddy hole . I allowed myself a moment to sink back into the mattress while my eyes flicked around the room . It was an impressive room . The bed was large and had a canopy , and there was a bureau beside me that was painted white and gold , and the carpet was gray and appeared to be plush . There was a tall window with the curtains drawn : I was grateful for that , for the sun seemed to be on its way back up . " Nothing light about it . A dead man with his throat tore out , and a naked girl out cold curled up in a sack . What does that mean to you ? " He had me there . I reached up to rub my aching forehead with one hand and noticed for the first time that somebody had put me in a nightgown . That gave me the shudders . " Look , if you go in there shouting witch this and witch that , we won 't get nothing out of her , " said the first voice . " And that 's no use . This is the second attack , isn 't it ? After that old man . " I listened to the sounds of their low voices fading away , then snuggled down further into the pillows as I considered everything that I had just heard . I was not particularly concerned for my own safety at their hands ; at any moment I could change shape and sneak away . What I was concerned about lay in my stomach . If I had not been such a fool the night before and glutted myself , I might have had a chance at vomiting that wretched seed out , but it was probably well - rooted by now … My one chance was that the seed would take some time to grow , and while it did , I could search for a way to remove it . I doubted any sort of traditional method would work - I could swallow slugs all I wanted and the thing wouldn 't suffer a nibble . No , there had to be some darker magic to it . I cast my mind back to what Noroc had said , during his brief moment of freedom - what was it ? He had said to break his curse , one had to … bring him the survivor ? At the time , my mind had connected this with the abandoned village I had seen him in . He 'd certainly been wailing over it . Something seemed to have gone wrong there - and only one had survived . And that one would be the one to break the curse . Fine , but where was this survivor ? There were a thousand places a person could be lurking , even assuming he was a human and not a cat . I rolled over , disgruntled , and tugged down my nightgown under the sheets . The wretched creature could have offered a few more hints . But in the meantime , it seemed , I might be able to make use of my situation . Somebody from this village had to know what had happened to the other , it being so close by . And maybe they even knew where the lone survivor had ended up . I rolled back over onto my other side . There were a great number of uncertainties in all that , but it was the best I 'd got at the moment . It was better than nothing - and the bed was nice . The door opened with a soft click , and I shut my eyes tight at once , feigning unconsciousness . Whoever it was peeped at me for only a moment before walking away , and I opened my eyes a sliver to catch the sight of a female face with straight back brows , a long thin nose , and skin several shades darker than mine . It bore a look of repugnance . She left the door open a crack , so I didn 't dare move much , but I ruminated . So the house owned at least one Romani slave ; I don 't know why I was surprised at the fact . The room certainly looked rich enough . But perhaps it was because this part of the country was poorer than the area I 'd grown up in ; there were far fewer personal slaves . The Romani here tended to be owned by monasteries or be wanderers , the so - called ' King 's slaves . ' " Then go help her dress . And don 't fuss anymore , or I will really show you the devil . " He was chuckling again , but not so lightly . I hopped up onto some of the wooden slats supporting the mattress beneath the bed , and just in time , too , for somebody else came dashing into the room and began to positively ransack the place . I heard him banging about the wardrobe before his monstrously huge face lowered to peer beneath the bed . Luckily I had wedged my skinny body up between the slats , and anyway he was looking for a girl , not a marten . He withdrew disappointed , and perhaps a little frightened by the look of it . A mouse would have been the ideal shape to take at this moment , but sadly I had none in my arsenal . I had simply never gotten the nerve to drink mouse blood ; I hated the things . A cat was risky , associated with witches , but at least I was not a black cat . I assumed my ginger - furred form and slunk from the room , sticking to the corners , heading towards the scent of the kitchen . Thus incognito , I took a moment to consider my next action , ignoring the somewhat beady looks I was getting from the actual chickens . Assuming a human form to ask after the ruined village might be too risky after all ; the people here seemed rather perturbed by my recent feeding . Well , at least they had not noticed that the man who 'd been kicked by a horse was actually one of my victims . But I had got careless . I really should have killed that man Kezia asked me to let go … Ah , Kezia . I fluffed my feathers , glad that the flock was in the shadow of the house . What with all that had happened to me afterwards , what the witch - no , the other golem - had asked me to do had almost completely slipped my mind . I had to wonder where poor Kezia was now ; tromping around in the woods still ? - but it was better that I was away from her . I did not know how the spell of the seed would take effect , or when , for that matter . Perhaps it was best that I did not know of her whereabouts at the moment . I would rather not destroy her , both out of spite to the pretend Mother Forest and , admittedly , a bit of fondness for the big clay lump . The other chickens were busy pecking at some grain somebody had scattered for them , and I cluck - strutted my way through their midst along the house 's wall . There was a small vegetable garden nearby , and as it was late spring there were several tomato plants sagging with plump fruit . A busy little weevil was trundling along between two of the neatly weeded rows of cabbages ; one of my avian brethren put her head up to fix it with a greedy look . The kitchen door banged open behind me , and I flapped and followed the other chickens for the relative safety of the garden . A male house - slave stepped out and cast around , suspicion on his hard face . A flurry of feminine voices floated out with him , all pitched high with worry . The man turned around and thundered out , " There 's no vampire out here ! It would have killed the chickens . " The female voices inside the house did not sound entirely convinced . For my part I was impressed that I had been upgraded from witch to vampire . If they landed on strigoi , and remembered that they had a tendency to shapeshift , I might really be in trouble . The man shut the door again , and in the shade of the garden I changed shape again : this time to the small red dog . My large head bumped against several ripe tomatoes . I sniffed one experimentally , gave it a lick , and then gave a doggy grimace . I could eat ordinary food , mind you ; it just gave me no nourishment and passed out of me in a rather similar form to how it had passed in . That tended to make one lose their taste for the stuff . As a dog , I trotted around to the front of the house , squinting in the sunlight and pressing my lean body in the shadows as much as I could . The stately house looked like more of a manor from this angle ; there was a large grassy yard separating it from the distant road , and that was actually paved from cobblestones . I had to cast about quite a bit to realize where I was : the sight of the distant church spire tipped me off . I was still in that same village after all , just on the other end , in the wealthier district . No place for stray dogs . I went to the road , then stood there on the stones for a moment at a loss . The wisest thing for me to do would be to leave the village entirely , avoiding the off chance of being discovered and stabbed , but what then ? I would still have the wretched witch 's seed inside of me , and no real way of removing it . I couldn 't even return to the ruined village to search for clues ; it was well within Mother Forest 's territory , and I didn 't ever want to return there . For a very fleeting moment I thought of Kezia again . But of course it was a fool 's dream : what could she do for me ? She 'd been seeded by the witch herself . A man on horseback came clop - clopping down the road towards me , and I shied out of the way , my tail up underneath my belly . The man tugged on his reins and frowned at me , his horse champing and snorting , and I darted quickly in the direction he 'd come from . Most definitely , it was not a place for stray dogs . If I was not going to leave the village straightaway - and perhaps it was best , because Kezia would never come here - I had better find a place to hide the rest of the day . I wormed my way through legs and underneath a lady 's shopping basket down to an alley between two shops , but left just as quickly . There were half a dozen vagrants dozing down there . I waded back into the crowd and was at once accosted by a child , who yanked viciously on my tail . His mother jerked him away before I could retaliate , boxing him over the ears . Public bathing was a rather filthy Gadjo custom , if you asked me - even when I had left my family I had never changed my mind about it . Swilling about naked in the muck of others had never appealed to me , not to mention that many baths were mixed . I shifted uneasily on the steps . But of course , these were the reservations of a living person ; I was dead now , and I had done far worse things than bathing with men . I had to remind myself of this frequently . Particularly now . Memories of the person I had been in life were flowing back more and more … It was not good . It was ever since I had met Kezia . I squirmed on the steps , then put my head up as I caught motion in the corner of my eye . A large and generously proportioned cat was climbing the steps , long fur a rich brown color . It looked rather well - groomed for a stray . The cat sat down across from me and glared at me with baleful orange eyes . Were cats usually this unafraid of dogs ? It was growling now . I swallowed , then chided myself . Intimidated by a cat ! Wasn 't I a creature of the night myself ? I still got off the steps , though - no need to get into a fight if I didn 't have to . The cat 's head followed me , still growling and glaring . The fur between my shoulders prickled . Sudden shouts caught my attention : it sounded as if a fight or something had started in the town square . A man was hitting another man about the head and shoulders , while a crowd gathered . I glanced back at the cat , only to see it walking through the wall of the bathhouse . The tip of its fluffy tail flicked and disappeared behind the solid wood . Well ! There was the source of my prickle ; it had been a bannik spirit , defending its bathhouse from a strigoi interloper . I wondered if telling it what had happened to Noroc , its domovoi brethren , would put a twist in that magnificent tail . But likely not . They were cats , after all . The old man , I was quite surprised to realize , was the same one that I had attacked in the woods . He had a clear scar on his neck , and was bruised and trembling like a leaf . I thought it would be quite low to strike a blow against a man like that . " Come off it ! " roared one of the spectators , as the woman gave a little cry and pressed her bundle tighter against her bosom . It squirmed , and a pale little hand poked out of the folds of the blanket . " I want you away ! " cried the thin man , stabbing a finger at the old man . " Away from here ! We 've no need for Jews and beggars in this town ! " The thin man coughed , putting one hand to his mouth , and his wife laid a hand on his shoulder . The bundle in her arms squirmed again , and now a little head peeped forth : a child with fair skin and even fairer hair - almost translucent - with closed eyes . Even her lips were pale . She looked much too old to be carried about in a bundle . " I 'll leave this place , " he said , in a more forlorn voice than I 'd ever heard . " I wish that you would listen … I have seen it before … " The crowd drowned him out , and amidst the angry shuffling of feet I lost sight of him . Well , I 'd seen enough either way . I snaked my way back out towards the bathhouse and stopped to lick a paw . I must have jumped about a foot , ginger tail bristling . The bannik had reappeared right behind me , standing on the bathhouse steps . His own fluffy tail was lashing from side to side , in the manner of a cat about to commit murder . Several people nearby stopped and stared at the bathhouse , which was still steaming at all the cracks . The cobblestones under my feet seemed to shiver as well , and the wood of a nearby oxcart creaked in an ominous way . Belatedly I revised my idea of the bannik 's power . I hesitated . I had been about to ask if I could hide somewhere in the village until nightfall , but something had caught my eye : the old man . He was making his way slowly down the road , limping slightly , his face bruised and his eyes unreadable . The words held an odd mixture of contempt and curiosity in them . The bannik was watching the man , too . If he had glanced to the left and spotted the two of us , he would have thought he 'd become the idol of some sort of cat cult . I stared for a long moment at the man 's retreating back , as he limped slowly down the road . Old as he was , not to mention injured , I did not think he had a decent chance in the wilds anyhow . Yet something was itching at the back of my mind about him . A stranger - a wanderer - an old man … " Of course ! Those trees beyond the meadow - they were not there threescore years ago . One village was visible to the other , for the land was flat and open . Then one day the trees began to grow around that village and swallowed it from sight . " " I know no witch . Only that there is something wicked within those trees . " He looked at me a moment , then his tail began whipping from side to side again . " It is time for you to leave . " I caught up with the old man at the very edge of the village , and crouched under a mossy drainpipe to observe him as he shuffled down the dirt road . He was heading towards the river ford . Beyond that was the meadow , and then , of course , the Starving Forest . He had been riding his horse into the heart of the forest the first time that I had caught him . Only a fool would do that , or so I had thought . Was it possible … was it possible that he was Noroc 's survivor ? It seemed almost too easy , to find him here . Though I shuddered to think of how I had almost killed him once . Now he could be the key to my freedom , if I could just get him to Noroc . My little cat heart thundered . But what else could I do ? I could not squander this one chance , slim as it was . And if I just let him alone … well , the old thing looked half - dead already . Curses ! I was much better and killing creatures than keeping them breathing . Follow him for now , I decided . It would do no good to greet him as a human ; he 'd seen my face when I had attacked him , and anyhow I had no clothes . Nothing shrieked demonic ! louder than a naked red - haired woman jaunting in a forest . Hastily I changed - into anything - a fox , before anyone noticed . The pain had vanished as quickly as it had come upon me . Hesitantly I changed again - a marten . No pain . I tried the little bird . I became a woman again for a moment , muffling a curse against my dirty palm , and then went back to fox . One more change . One more - the bush cricket . I was not halfway shifted when I felt the pain flare again , and hastily reverted to fox . That was it : the size . A little bird and a cricket were too small . Writer , ethology enthusiast , axolotl herder . Might possibly just be a Lasiurus cinereus that types with its thumbs . View all posts by Koryos → Bookmark the permalink . « SPIDERS ! Reply Leave a Reply Cancel reply Your email address will not be published . Required fields are marked * Comment Name * Email * Website Notify me of follow - up comments by email . Notify me of new posts by email . Search
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Fantendo - Hivemind Holiday is a short story created by Exotoro created for the Snowytime Writing Contest . The story features appearances by many of the main characters in the New Fantendoverse such as Volt , Unten , Leah , Rachel , and more . It takes place chronologically during Season 1 of Fantendo Now and after Fantendo - Hivemind Halloween . Unten awoke . At first , he knew something was completely off because it wasn 't the couch he normally would sleep in , it was a big bed . As he pulled away the sheets really lazily , he didn 't quite get the room itself . It seemed unfamiliar to him , the mirror closet doors feeling utterly alien to him . Something shifted in the bed , which gave him an awful , awful feeling . Something was wrong . He slowly stepped back to the bed . Whatever it was in the bed shifted to right of the room , facing him . He wasn 't sure what it was yet and he wasn 't exactly ready to figure it out . A awakening snort came out and it stood up , with Unten suddenly realizing exactly what it was . Oh god … no … " Unten ? " asked Rachel . She pulled back the covers of the bed and shut her eyes groggily before opening them slowly . " You okay ? " she asked , as Unten backed away from her and walked back into the closet doors , a shuddering sound of cheap plastic iron rocking . " Unten … ? " " Look , I don 't know what happened last night but … " Unten stammered . Rachel seemed worried but for him , not the situation . " . . . I don 't know what I 'm going to do but … " Rachel got out of the bed and walked towards him . She looked down to him . " Unten , don 't tell me you had that dream again . The one where there 's a war and something called ' The Threat ' exists and I don 't have this ring on my finger ? " she said , holding up her hand . A dazzling blue diamond was held in place by a ring of shining light blue Sentelenium . Unten was now way more confused than he ever was . " I don 't … I don 't understand . " said Unten . Rachel grinned . " We 're married , silly , " She grabbed a necklace that was looped around Unten 's back . " They couldn 't exactly make a ring to fit over your … hand , so they just made a necklace out of the same materials . Unten are you okay ? You can skip work today if you 're not feeling so well , it is the winter after all … sudden flus come up all the time . . . " Unten stammered . " Mar - married ? " He cleared his throat . " I 'm feeling fine … just a little disoriented I guess . " Rachel smiled back at him as she went over to the black drawer and got dressed . He looked over to the mirror and glanced at his blue necklace . He felt the Sentelenium links as he glanced at his bare neck . He opened up the closet and found a bunch of scarves , some he had never seen before . He grabbed a checkerboard one and tightened it around his neck . He headed out into the hallway and followed the railing down stairs to a Christmas tree that had already been decorated with all sorts of ornaments . He grabbed one and glanced at it , recognizing a family picture that had him in it but he had never so much as imagined , let alone seen . A family of three . His black - haired , chill , human wife . His blue , bristled fur self , looking at the camera and smiling with his star - shaped eyes wide open . And their adopted daughter , her Galvan Goggles lifted up to her black hair . They looked so happy . He heard the clank of a spoon against a bowl and walked over to the kitchen . Rachel and Robyn were eating whatever junk cereal they had grabbed and they looked at him . Rachel smiled at him and he wasn 't sure if he was supposed to feel disgusted or smile back . He uneasily smiled back as he grabbed a bowl from the cupboard and a spoon from the drawer , sitting down with his family . It was raining in Seattle today . " Yes , it 's real . Do you mind telling us your dream ? " asked Rachel . She seemed kind of worried but also somewhat tired that he was still in utter belief about everything . Unten decided against telling the " dream " . " Nah … just … felt real I guess . It 's like I forgot everything … ha . " Robyn looked up . " You remember me , right ? " asked Robyn . Unten looked at her . " Yeah , how could I ever forget you ? " asked Unten . Robyn seemed pretty happy with this answer . " Well , you remember me , right ? " asked Rachel . Unten could never forget her , that he was certain of . Just … not like this . " Of course I remember you … I love you . " said Unten . Rachel beamed as she went back to eating her breakfast . Maybe everything had been a dream ? " Wow , he is OUT . " said Leah as Volt brought over Unten 's comatose body . Volt seemed uneasy . Something definitely seemed wrong with him and he seemed pretty certain that he had seen this before … well , maybe not seen but he could identify it . Leah and Volt placed him over a hospital bed . " Do you know what 's wrong with him ? " asked Volt . Leah snapped on some blue gloves . " Well , I 'm about to find out , but you better get out of the room for this part . " she said . Volt got out of the room and his mind wracked with a million electrifying nerves . He wasn 't sure what was happening to Unten , but if it was the Hivemind disease he got on Halloween … well , he wasn 't sure what would happen then . Rachel stood over to the reception desk , glancing at X - Ray 's Gameboy game session . She saw Volt down the hallway and her lips jutted downwards . " Well , what did Leah say ? " she asked Volt . " Or is she trying to figure it out ? " " She 's trying to figure it out , yeah . She put on some blue gloves and told me to get out of the room . " said Volt . It took Rachel precisely nine seconds to process what Volt said and then she suddenly ran over to the operating room . " Oh hey Rachel , " said Leah as she came in . She dropped the blue gloves in the trash . " Good news , Unten 's cavity is clean as a whistle . " " I didn 't actually … search up his butt . I just … alright . Jeez . God ! You get so bent of shape over the stupidest shit ! " yelled Leah . " Leave me alone so I can actually see what 's wrong with him . " Rachel left the room and grabbed Volt . Unten had his own car now , which he had no idea how to drive . He tried to get behind the wheel but it was too daunting of a task for him , so he just discreetly sat in the passenger seat as Rachel walked in . She got behind the wheel and exited out of the garage without a second thought behind it . Unten stared out the window . If there was no Threat to stop , no enemy to vanquish … then what did he do all day ? It was a life he had never known that he had suddenly dropped himself into . Rachel seemed all too content with the fact that he had seemingly forgot everything too . " Rachel … " he said , facing her . " What was the wedding like ? " She didn 't face him as she was too busy watching the road , but she did answer back . " Well … it was a pretty nice day . There were rainclouds but no rain when it began and I decided not to wear the veil cuz we both found it kind of gross looking so … of course , neither of our parents were there but Strafe , Zerita , PalmMan … they were all there . And the typical ceremony began and after we said our vows … we were married . When we exited out , it started raining but we didn 't care ; you grabbed me in your arms and started running as we laughed and … you okay ? " Unten hid his face , apparent he was crying . It wasn 't exactly something he always thought about but it seemed more or less like his ideal wedding . Maybe not without the absent parents part , but neither really had any family they really cared about . Unten 's parents were a complete mystery to him , and whenever Rachel talked about her parents , it was always a past tense thing . She had abandoned them . " I 'm okay . " said Unten . The car pulled into the parking lot for a building that Unten had never seen in his entire life . Rachel stepped out of the car and Unten reluctantly stepped out too . He wasn 't sure what his job was , but he hoped to god it wasn 't doctor or lawyer . He would completely fumble THAT up . As they entered the revolving door , Unten caught sight of X - Ray as a receptionist , talking to Leah . It was evident they were more than friends when Leah leaned in for a kiss and X - Ray followed up . Unten wasn 't exactly sure what to think but both seemed pretty happy . Leah caught sign of Unten and ran over with a clipboard . It was just now that he noticed that Leah 's needle finger had been replaced with a pen . " Can I get you anything ? " she asked respectfully , which threw Unten back . She seemed worried about his reaction , which he tensed back into something resembling normal . " Uh … not right now . " he said . Leah wrote something on the clipboard and ran back over to the reception desk . He looked to Rachel , who seemed pretty happy as she walked into a room with a long table and a bunch of chairs . He was still not exactly sure what was going on . " Well , we 've been throwing ideas around for the season . We kind of want the season to have sort of a theme I guess ? I dunno , we 've got a Leah and Xerox episode with Bigfoot involved … " said Sakeena . Oh , was he working on a show or something ? Admittedly , not something he thought about too often but if he had to have a job he figured working on a TV show would be a good fit for him . " I thought we scrapped that episode . " said Strafe , clearly annoyed . Sakeena rolled her eyes . " Well … show me the script for that and I 'll read through it , " said Unten . Sakeena handed him the script of what she had so far . He furrowed his brow . " Yeah … we 're not doing this . " " Alright then … " stated Sakeena as she propped her feet onto the desk . He noticed something very weird about his friends , in that they all seemed to have rings around their fingers . Judging from the rings themselves , Strafe and Sakeena had gotten married , PalmMan and DragonMan had gotten married , and now that he thought about it he could have sworn that Leah had a ring around her finger too . This made sense to him in a weird way . " So yeah … we need to figure out what this season 's about . " said Sakeena as she looked through her notes . Leah came in with a clipboard . Unten looked to her . " Do you mind getting me a coffee ? " he asked . Leah nodded as she wrote it down and then left the room . Unten sat down at the end to discuss his idea as showrunner . " You think Unten 's gonna be okay ? " asked Volt to Rachel , who looked vacantly out the coffee shop window . " Well , I certainly hope he is , but I don 't really think that . He looked REALLY bad when we got to him . " said Rachel . She sighed deeply . " I guess it 's not a good idea to dwell on the subject on whether Unten 's gonna die or not , huh . " said Volt , looking at Rachel . Rachel sipped some coffee from her cup and then looked at Volt . " Well , what else is there to talk about ? I 've got nothing going on in my life at the moment except for setting up the Christmas decorations in the apartment . Robyn 's on break and she 's been helping me out with that … " " What did you get her for Christmas ? " asked Volt , attempting to have a causal conversation . He sipped a bit of the cup . " I dunno . I asked Logi and Denos for some Galvan artifacts to look at , but none seem really like a Christmas present to me . " Rachel stated before sipping more coffee . Volt almost choked on the coffee . " Probably not a good idea to give her more than one right now , if we 're gonna be honest . The power of two is a lot stronger and I don 't think she 's gotten a grip on the goggles yet . " replied Volt . Rachel seemed to be at loss for her Christmas present , even more so than before . " Well … what do I get her then ? She hasn 't exactly given me a wish - list or anything . Leah gave me hers but she gave that to everybody and let 's be fair , I 'm probably not give her anything . " said Rachel . Morgan walked over to their table . " Can I get you two anything ? " asked Morgan . Volt and Rachel shook their heads no as Morgan walked back to the counter . " Kind of quiet night , huh . " said Volt , glancing around the empty coffee shop . Rachel smiled . " Good pun . " " Oh … " said Volt , now just getting it . Rachel got up and threw her empty coffee cup in the trash . " You done ? " asked Rachel . Volt nodded yes as he finished up the cup and walked out of the shop with Rachel . Rachel put her hands in her coat as she walked down the street with Volt , fog escaping her mouth . " I guess we should check back in with Leah . " Leah had a stapler and a bucket of mistletoe with her as she started stapling some to the top of the door frames . X - Ray was still playing her Game Boy , much to her dismay . She was gonna get SOMETHING this year , whether it was a kiss or someone actually got something on her wish list . The door swung open as Rachel and Volt walked in . Leah sighed as she stepped down from the ladder . Right … Unten 's condition . She had completely forgotten about that . Rachel seemed to had known . " Leah , can you tell us anything about Unten ? " asked Rachel . Leah sighed as she went back to the room , Rachel and Volt following her . " Please tell me you didn 't just wait until we left … " " I waited until you guys left . " said Leah . Rachel breathed deeply , as to calm herself and shakily clasped her hands . " Well … can you do it now ? " asked Rachel . Leah groaned as she looked at Unten , poking his stomach real quick to emit a quick gurgling cough . " Well , he 's alive . " said Leah . Rachel didn 't seem amused . She took a seat in the room and folded her arms . " I 'm not leaving until you have him back to health . " said Rachel . Leah groaned . " What , is he your boyfriend or something ? I don 't get why you care so much about this stupid bear . . . " said Leah . She opened up his mouth . " Bleh , he could bother to brush his teeth once in awhile … " Unten headed out of work with Rachel . He suddenly remembered something Rachel told him earlier in the day . " Zerita 's still alive ? " he asked his wife . Rachel nodded yes . Unten didn 't know what to say , more out of disbelief than any other factor . Eventually he piped out another question . " Where is she ? " " Living out on her own , I think . . . " said Rachel . She looked at Unten . " Do you wanna see her ? " Unten nodded yes and Rachel took the driver 's seat . " I dunno what 's up with my memory … I 'm still remembering the dream instead of anything else . " " How come you 're not mad at me or even a tiny bit frustrated ? I 've forgotten everything , Rachel . I don 't even know what you wore to your wedding , I don 't know what kinds of stuff we were up to before the wedding , I don 't remember decorating the tree … " he said , worryingly . " Well … in my dream and what I remember … we weren 't like this . We were close , sure , but … I was the only one in love and you said pretty clearly that you weren 't into me … " said Unten . Rachel seemed like she wasn 't sure what to say . " I mean … you 're a blue alien bear and I guess that took some time to get over but … " she paused . " . . . I dunno . " Volt walked past Sakeena 's neighborhood and came in front of her house . The cold rain didn 't bother him , as it trickled down his glass - like body , heated by inner electricity . He noticed Sakeena 's house had it 's garage open . Curious , he went to see who was working in the garage . Logi and Denos were unpacking a bunch of boxes . Sakeena 's mom stood by the door . " Be sure to clean up whatever you take out in here , alright ? It 's bad enough I 've got three of Sakeena 's friends in here … " " We 'll be quick , mam . " said Denos . Logi didn 't say anything , all he did was simply start cutting up the browned tape that entrapped the cardboard box 's contents . Volt floated inside and the two looked at him . " Unten 's probably got the hivemind disease I got over Halloween and I 'm really worried about it . I don 't know if he can fight that off . " he said . Denos finished cutting the box 's tape and got out a plumbus . " The Threat 's hivemind disease ? I dunno if that can be cured . I think you were the only one who could actually fight it off . " said Denos . " Vindozz ? " asked Logi . Denos seemed surprised too . Volt was confused by their reactions . " . . . The Threat ? " asked Volt . Logi and Denos were paying full attention to him . " Kid … how the hell do you know her name ? " asked Denos . He pulled out a green tube and shook it out , a bunch of gold coins popping out . " I … dunno . Is it really that big of a deal ? " asked Volt . Denos sighed as he stretched two of his green fingers across his forehead . " What ? " " Yeah , it 's a big deal . I only know of it because of well … a friend of mine , a long time before I met Logi , fell under the hivemind disease too . " said Denos . " I dunno how you know of it . " Logi grabbed the plombus . " Whatever . I 'm just saying , if he says something like The Threat 's real name … I think there 's something going on in that case . " Volt started getting anxious . " What do you mean by that ? " asked Volt , slightly hysterical . Logi looked over to him and cracked a smile . " You think she 's cute , huh ? " asked Logi . Volt shook his head no . " Well … she was there and we talked . . . " said Volt . Logi smugly smiled as Denos shot a glance at him . " What did you talk about ? " asked Denos . Volt nervously pressed on . " I dunno … stuff , " said Volt . Logi raised an eyebrow . Volt seemed annoyed . " OKAY , maybe she flirted with me . I don 't think she MEANT anything by that though ! " " Oh , blue ! I think if they were together , that would be her pet name for him … " said Logi . Volt gave Logi a dirty glance . Unten opened the door to find Zerita sitting on a couch with some familiar faces . Queen Pixella , Mioda , Netnu … a lot of them were back . Unten seemed in utter disbelief . " How are you all still alive ? " he asked . Zerita got up from the couch . " What do you mean by that ? " she asked Unten . Rachel walked over to her , talking softly to Zerita about Unten 's condition . He didn 't like the feeling that he was old … but maybe he was . It was hard to tell what was real and what wasn 't . The life he had forgotten about seemed so perfect but … it also felt unfulfilling . Not much challenged him beyond his terrible memory , which people seemed more than willing to help him out with . He walked over to Netnu , who said nothing to him . " Suppose … you woke from a dream where reality was vastly different and it affected you so much that it 's all you can remember when you wake up . When you wake up … you have everything you ever wanted . But it feels so dull and pointless because you never worked to get it . . . " explained Unten . Netnu looked at him . " Well … if you have everything you want , what 's to be unhappy about ? " asked Netnu . " I dunno … it 's hard to explain without all the context in the dream and honestly … I just feel too tired to tell anyone about it . As if it 's slipping away from me … being replaced with memories I never experienced firsthand . " " Can 't say I 've experienced anything like that . " said Netnu . Unten figured he wouldn 't be much help . He crept outside into the pouring rain when a thought came into his mind : What happened to Oliver ? He found that Zerita 's house wasn 't too far from the graveyard , on a street with a dead end sign and a literal end of the road . He felt it was too terribly ironic … whatever god was watching him now wanted him to know something . His heart pounded . If this was a reality where he got what he wanted … He ran over to the graves of the cemetery , the dead buried in caskets underground . He came across a grave that he hoped wasn 't there . ' ' ' OLIVER MANNING ' ' ' Unten glanced at the grave and then looked at her . " This isn 't real . " Rachel shook her head . " Unten , come on , you know this is real … " Unten knew she had to be lying . " Rachel , this isn 't real . I know it 's not . No one lives life like this , nobody gets everything they want … even if it 's wrong . " Rachel attempted to get closer to him but he backed away , tripping over Oliver 's tombstone . Suddenly , everything froze and a slow clap came from the left . He looked over to see The Threat in some nice robes , slowly and sarcastically clapping her hands . " Well , now I get to tell you what you already know , " she said . She gave out a quick laugh . Unten stood up and looked at Rachel , frozen in time . " Yes … this is a false reality and one you can never wake up from . Your body is already finishing up the transition process . " " Oh you know … a slave to one of my hiveminds . I figured trapping you in with your wishes was the best punishment for what you did to Six … oh wait , sorry , the old Six . Not that it really matters about her , I don 't care about her , but the Earth mission … you shouldn 't have messed that up . And now I 've got you here . Surrounded by your own ugly flaws and desires , in a way that personally disgusts you . " The Threat said . " No . . . " softly said Unten , trying to figure it out as The Threat sighed . " Really , it 's kind of sad … I mean , look at your wife , " she said , the worst kind of grin plastered on her face . " You know she 'll never love you like that , but you want her to … just not in this kind of empty life where even the most rebellious people suck up to you . " Unten looked at Rachel for a moment , trying to keep himself together . Why did he look ? He knew that only made him look weak in front of The Threat , who was probably the realest thing here beside him . " Honestly , it feels overtly cruel trapping you in such misery but maybe you can make it work . All while in the front of your mind at all times , you wondering what 's happening with your body in reality as it 's controlled by a hivemind that I have full control over . . . " explained The Threat . Unten felt heavy and ugly , as if he were about to fall in collapse . " Don 't give me that look . I only gave you everything you ever wanted for Christmas this year and this is how you repay me ? " The Threat laughed as she disappeared and Unten fell to his knees , feeling the world around him move again . Rain fell down his head , and Rachel went over to comfort him but he pushed her away . " And there … we … go ! " hammered Denos as the portal opened . Volt glanced into the purple colored swirling energy as Denos motioned him to go forward . He closed his eyes and jumped in , appearing on the other side in some kind of bizarre reception room . An alien with four eye stalks looked at him and then glanced back on her phone . Volt seemed a bit confused . Wouldn 't the Threat want her to alert somebody or … ? He had other matters at hand to worry about , though , and he headed towards a set of a pair of bronze and silver doors , with the faces of Beorns and humans screaming on it , opening it carefully . " Vindozz … " moaned Mistress Nell as she attempted to kiss The Threat 's feet but the Threat kept moving them away from her . " why do you reject my love … ? " The Threat noticed the door start to open and she kicked Mistress Nell away . Mistress Nell seemed kind of hurt but she went her away . Volt opened the door to a giant , empty throne room . The Threat seemed actually kind of surprised by his sudden appearance , but in a way that seemed good . " Well , well , if it isn 't Blue … " she said , glancing at Volt with all four of her yellow eyes . Volt glanced at her and frowned , thinking about what Logi said . Were they a thing now ? He wasn 't sure . It had to be mind games , right ? " The Threat … " he started . The Threat 's eyebrows lowered . " I prefer to be called Vindozz , if you don 't mind . " Volt felt even worse than he did before . Crap , maybe they were a thing ! But … nobody would ever accept it . He postured himself . Just ask about Unten , he told himself . That 's all he needed to focus on . " I have become aware that you 've put Unten under the same hivemind virus that you put me under and … well , I was asking if you could … I dunno … cure him or something ? I know you 're not , oh who am I kidding . . . " said Volt , putting his dislocated hands over his floating head . " Well … I don 't even know why I thought you would do that . I mean … am I really that foolish to think that the ' The Threat ' , the big bad , would just … stop her evil plan because I asked nicely ? You are the enemy after all but I can 't just can 't see that and I feel so stupid and dumb … " Volt attempted to grasp on something but all he could do was make himself feel bad and pointless . " I 'm the bad guy ? " asked The Threat . " Do I have to remind you who took over MY universe ? Do I have to remind you who has been fighting my armies completely unprompted ? I pray you know the answer . " " See … that 's why I feel so … conflicted about everything . I dunno who 's the good guy anymore and … I dunno , " said Volt , putting his arms down . " I guess … I 'll just leave then . " The Threat watched Volt slowly move out of the Throne room , his floating head facing downwards . She didn 't feel anything until he barely budged the door and then she herself felt pretty conflicted . Surely Volt could be a good ally if she managed to convince him she was good , because she was … right ? " Volt . " she said , uncrossing her legs as Volt was halfway out the door . He turned around . " Look … I suppose I can make an exception this one time , just for you , blue , " she said . She got up and headed to a hall connected to the throne room to the hivemind room . " Consider it a Christmas present , if you will . " Volt was beyond relieved , he wasn 't even considering that it could possibly a trap or anything else that could complicate the situation even more . " Don 't get too cocky though … this is the first and last time I 'll ever do this . " she said . Volt shook his head in understanding as she softly laughed in the distance . He headed back for the portal . 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Wow . . . what a time of year to finally break up . Right now , very little makes sense to me , and I have so many questions . There is a reason the military has a high divorce rate . Of course , a variety of things can take place to destroy a marriage ( or even an engagement , which was us ) . Deployments often change the soldier and hit them deeply . . . the other half at home even changes along the way . All this change happens as the couple lives apart . . . on opposite sides of the world . When that person comes home , both parties believe everything will just go back to the way it was before , now that you have that previous environment again . The soldier returns to familiar territory and the partner at home returns to the home with the soldier . Maybe for some military couples it happens so blissfully . . . but it didn 't happen for us . The scenario described above could happen to any type of couple . . . opposite - sex or same - sex . But , the same - sex aspect of it added more obstacles . For one , me , her , and the kids weren 't officially recognized as a family . Therefore , the army didn 't necessarily send her back to me . She didn 't get the reacclimation time with us that her straight , married colleagues get . She had to use leave time . Then , of course , you have that her family lives many states away . While they know and understand she is gay , I always felt in competition with them . I shouldn 't have to . I mean , of course , she needs to have time to go see them . . . but they wanted her to stay longer , rather than coming back to GA with me ( also , where she is stationed . . . something she chose so she could be with me ) . So . . . between employer and family not recognizing us the same way they would a married or soon - to - be - married straight couple , it made things more difficult . I guess we just weren 't strong enough to make it through all the obstacles . After all . . . if it were meant to be , wouldn 't those barriers been overcome ? Add the kids to the mix now . She 's been a huge part of our life for two years . . . I know that isn 't all that long , but she 's the only person I 've sPosted by At random , I came across this video of older people sitting around and talking about the issue of gays . Don 't ask why this was on video , I wouldn 't know . I was looking up videos on equality and somehow found this one . At any rate , the man doing most of the talking of course referred to God 's will as the reason " homosexuality ain 't right " ( as he stated ) . He then said something about being scared of the direction this country was headed , because " Gays are trying to take over . . . look at them , they already are . " At that point , I envisioned a militia of stereotypical gay males , uniforms decorated with neat flower arrangements and fancy hairdos , fighting alongside stereotypical lesbians , all gruff and taking charge . I couldn 't help but laugh to myself with these thoughts . I knew better than whatever the man was describing about " gays taking over . " He was apparently full of fears . . . fear of the unknown whenever you let less popular groups have the same rights as the majority . Yesterday , I had the privilege of attending both the rally at the Capitol as well as the candlelight vigil in Midtown . Kristin and the kids were right there with me , of course . We cheered , listened to the speakers , and enjoyed small conversations with the strangers ( but allies ) surrounding us . It was great to see a crowd , but I really thought it could have been larger . I attribute some of the absences to the short notice . But , other fellow gays told me they wouldn 't be in attendance for fears that the media might capture their image and they 'd be outed . I definitely respect their reasons . It 's just a shame , though , that so much negativity could be imposed on a person because of his or her sexual orientation . So , while in attendance , and thinking about things , a few thoughts crossed my mind . Morghan , my 11 year - old , expressed concerns about her and her brother being taken away from me . I told her that yes , it was a concern for a lot of same - sex couples , but not for us and our circumstances . In our case , it would only be an issue if the dad brought me to Posted by Wow , election day was exhausting this year . This was such an important day . Election morning I was so excited I could hardly contain myself . The only thing I could compare it to was the feeling of excitement I had leading up to Christmas . This was going to be my best Christmas ever , and my present would be President - elect Obama . By 1pm on election day I was exhausted from the intense excitement I was feeling . I needed a nap , but when you have a 3 year old anti - napping daughter , it was out of the question . So I dragged myself through the day . Working here and there , and checking the television periodically to see if there were any election problems , etc . By 4pm , I am 100 % convinced Obama is going to win the election . Not an ounce of uncertainty . I think this was some type of election mania , because I felt as if God had told me Himself that this would happen and I didn 't need to worry anymore . It was such a relief , and I passed this information on to others , but they did not share my certainty . By 6pm , I have decided this is an official holiday in our household , so we are going to celebrate with pizza , cupcakes , etc . ( this is how we celebrate now ) . I give my daughter her special Princess Soup that she had picked out days before , and decide to call my mom to pass some time because I know my mom and dad are bouncing off the walls waiting for the election results , too . They live in Florida and have had an election or two stolen from them . My retired mom spent so many hours working for Obama - - making phone calls , knocking on doors , handing out food to people waiting in line to vote ( she rocks ! ) . It is 6 : 30pm , my daughter 's gigantic bowl of soup is eaten and I look down and she is passed out in the Lazy Boy chair . At first , a little disappointed we didn 't get to share more excitement about Obama 's impending election , but then I realize , YES ! , we get to have more time to watch the election results ! ! ! It is 7pm , the wife and I are sitting down in front of the tv with our delicious celebratory pizza and beer ( a luxury in the KelPosted by It is the eve of one of the most historic elections of my life . There is so much at stake , and I am both nervous and optimistic about our future . I , like many other Americans , have been anticipating tomorrow for so long . Will our families face a win tomorrow in the many elections in our state and across the country ? I hope so . We must keep our eyes on what happens in California with the efforts to overturn the right for same - sex couples to marry . It is critical to the civil rights of all our families that the marriage amendment , Proposition 8 , lose tomorrow . It would be devastating and wrong to grant gay people the right to marry and then take it away again . Let 's pray the people of California vote for equality for all families . Keep an eye on Florida also . Thanks to the great work of Equality Florida , they have a good shot at defeating the proposed anti - gay marriage amendment . So pray , cross your fingers , or do whatever moves you so we have a good outcome tomorrow . And please , DON " T FORGET TO VOTE ! I made it and voted just under two hours . A small price to pay to partake in this historic election . Now I just hope my vote actually gets counted . The lines outside the building have increased considerably . At least it isn 't cold now . I still say we can do better to lessen lines and make voting available to more people by extending the voting hours and days . Kathy KellyExecutive DirectorMEGA Family Project404 - 808 - 3350Sent from my iPhone After one hour and fifteen minutes , I finally made it inside the building to what appears to be another very long line . Most people are just happy to make it inside to get out of the cold . They started allowing people with very small babies to come inside . They won 't let them vote , but are allowing them to wait inside . Obviously the election officials don 't realize how hard it is to vote with a child in tow . It was the citizens in line who asked to bring the babies inside . People seem to be in fairly good spirits even with the long wait . There is much talk about being excited to vote and a belief that this is our civic duty . This election is good for the nation . High turnout feels good and right . We are voting here in the fire department 's headquarters . You have to wonder if this double line in the halls meets the fire code . The AJC said it was a 90 minute wait here yesterday . The people here say it was really two hours . It looks like we are definitely looking at two hours or more here . And the Secretary of State doesn 't want to do better . I wonder when she is up for re - election ? I had the pleasure to hear the Ohio Secretary of State speak this past summer . She was truly an inspiration as to someone who wanted to make sure all the people of her state could vote this election . The last presidential election many in her state did not get to vote and she knew that was wrong . We need someone in Georgia who has a passion for making sure every person gets a chance to vote and that we have a paper trail to verify the votes . I still have a long way in front of me as I can 't see any room that we might be voting in . Only a sea of people ahead . Kathy KellyExecutive DirectorMEGA Family Project404 - 808 - 3350Sent from my iPhone It is Thursday morning and I am standing in a very long line to vote in Tucker , GA . It is freezing out here , so you have to admire the many people in line willing to wait what looks to be a couple of hours to vote . This is democracy at its best . One has to wonder why on earth the Republican Secretary of State is not doing more to help people vote in a more expeditious manner . In Florida , the Republican governor extended voting hours 4 hours each day . Can you imagine the people who will get to vote there who would not otherwise because they have jobs that don 't allow them to stand in line for hours ? We are America , damn it . We have the technology and resources to make it easy for every person to vote . I call on the Georgia Secretary of State and Governor Perdue to extend advanced voting hours and to put more voting machines in each location . This is absurd that people are unable to vote in a country as great as America . This process seems closer to what I would expect in a less developed nation . I sure hope politics aren 't playing into these ridiculous decisions about voting in Georgia . We deserve better , so we must demand better . Please join me in calling the Secretary of State 's and Governor 's offices to demand they do better . Thanks , Kathy KellyExecutive DirectorMEGA Family Project404 - 808 - 3350Sent from my iPhone I 've stated in previous posts that even though I 'm out of the closet , I 've left it up to the children to decide how they will address the issue of having two moms . Of course , I 'm there every step of the way , but I allow them to come out with it as they feel comfortable . Maybe if they had been conceived or adopted under these circumstances , I would have approached it differently . However , my own coming out experience was later than most , and there was even a point I had to come out to them ( which they were very young , but it still isn 't the same as being born into the situation ) . My agreement to them was that I would not " make a scene " with it . . . I won 't walk into the school displaying my affection for Kristin ( which I wouldn 't do even if she were a guy and I were straight ) . I told them I wouldn 't announce it . However , I did point out that some external markers might give others clues . . . Kristin and I both " look gay . " On top of that , we have new issues to deal with . . . when Kristin returns soon from overseas , any houseguests will catch on that we are a couple without announcing it . I mean , how long would it work for the kids to say their mom has sleepovers with the same friend ? This doesn 't even include all the lovey - dovey cards and pictures on display , that I 'm not sure if any youthful guests have noticed . So , essentially , the deal was that they have no pressure to advertise it , but I wasn 't going out of my way to conceal it , because that goes against my principles of being genuine . This year , my daughter , Morghan began 6th grade . . . middle school . . . that age where peers start to become more of a factor . The worst thing a kid wants is to be embarrassed or in the spotlight for something controversial . My son began 4th grade , but his friends don 't seem to ask questions . I think they are more interested in their skateboards , trick bikes , and " wrasslers . " As far as the kids ' feelings on having a lesbian mom , they 've accepted it from the start ( from the time I used the analogy with the Barbie dolls and the superheroes ) . As forPosted by As a married man with 2 children I was given the advice of an older gentleman in my church that as parents we should give a united front even if we didn 't always agree . He said it showed that as adults we were capable of working together to " get the job done " . Making decisions is never easy . As an out " somewhat single " gay man who is still parenting 2 kids with my x wife I remember those words whenever there is a disagreement with my X and I on how to do something or what to " approve or disapprove " for one of the kids . As a member of the GLBT community I 'd like to say that " community " rings loud and clear but sometimes I wonder . Community should mean that we are working together . I constantly am hearing and seeing that there is constant disagreement in the GLBT arena . Some of that is expected but sometimes its just about sucking it up and making a concession . Sometimes its about supporting something even if your ideas didn 't get the full attention . It constantly amazes me that in all my years of working in the mainstream " world " with many different groups that there seemed to be a lot more give than " take " . Whether its parenting , working on a committee , or office politics I think its time we all should take a long hard look with out mouths closed and our ears open , decide if we are part of the solution or part of the problem and then be proactive and do something about it . I want to be a decent example for my children and I want to make some positive changes for the young GLBT community that will follow in my footsteps . Is anyone else interested in doing the same thing ? I hope so . Our daughter has reached 3 now , and we are finding all of the sudden topics about death ( whether someone we know or a bug on the ground ) seem to be cropping into our everyday conversations . The question for every parent is what to do with such topics . I imagine many parents handle the death topic many different ways . For me , the easiest way seemed to bring up Heaven and God , which led to discussions of Christmas , Baby Jesus , and so on . We did not realize a few weeks back that we would be tackling tough questions about religion for our daughter . Though I am sure many parents have this figured out before they even have a child , we must admit we didn 't give it any thought . So , me and the wife had several serious conversations about religion and what we wanted for our daughter . We both decided that though we both felt scarred from our own religious upbringings ( mine Far Right Wing Presbyterian ; hers United Methodist ) , we both felt we had good values that came from our religious upbringings that we would want for our daughter . So , we have embarked on a journey to find a church we could call ours , where both moms feel comfortable , and preferably one with a good children 's program that has other families like ours . Seems to be a much harder task than we would like . Can 't we just join a church and be done with the search ? Apparently not . I should begin this discussion with saying that our daughter has liked every church program we have been to so far . But , at this age , her vote doesn 't count since she is basing it on how much fun she is having or what kind of toys the churches have . Let me run down some of the comments me and the wife have made after visiting the prospective churches : - not Jesusy enough - too Jesusy - not spiritual enough - too new age - the organs were way too loud , they shook our bones - you can 't hear yourself sing or think over the organs - they won 't marry us here ; what would we tell our daughter - the organ is too loud ( I have no idea why so many of you like your organs sooo loud ) - the sanctuary smells moldy - the childcaPosted by Last week , we held our fantastic " Creating a Family : Choices for Prospective LGBT Parent 's " workshop . We added an extra session to the workshop attempting to address the " are you ready " to be a parent session . There is so much to cover on this topic , I realize now I wasn 't sure what I wanted our participants to walk away with is such a succinct effort to reach their minds . After a week of reflection and happenings in my life , I want to stress to people how life - changing bringing a child into your life is . Now for me , I would say even with all the sacrifices , poop , and vomit , it is the most beautiful thing that has happened to me . I wouldn 't trade it for anything even though I miss taking naps and sleeping in something terrible . It is an awesome charge to be responsible for the development of a little being . There are so many decisions . So much of my brain energy is occupied by my daughter , whether she is with me or not . It is so easy to lose your existence when a child comes along . Though , I like being my daughter 's mother way better than my previous life when it was so much more about me . Recently , I have talked with a number of individuals and couples who have worried me about their decisions to become parents . Please , let me premise this with I do not think I am some supreme authority on child - rearing , but I have had 3 years of it to know a few things . 1 . if you have problems in your relationship , adding a child will not improve it . It will likely make it worse , and then leave the child with the possible loss of one of those parents . 2 . if one person in the relationship is not really interested in having a child , you are probably setting yourself up for some difficult crap in your relationship and as parents . I can 't imagine if my wife did not equally love our daughter in those tough moments of parenting ( which can be everyday for a while ) . I know we all have our roles , but we really need to equally want it . 3 . when thinking of having children , remember they are what is most important . Not you , not your partner , or Posted by If you are reading this blog , chances are that you are a member of the LGBTQ community and that you are family - centered ( whether you have kids , want to have kids , or not ) . If you are not part of this population , then perhaps you have a loved one who is , and you support his / her / their human rights . Moreover , you are either a MEGA member , potential MEGA member , or some bored individual who doesn 't know how you wound up on this page anyway . If , indeed , you are a MEGA member and / or interested in the organization , read on . . . So , June is Pride Month ( though our Pride is in July this year ) . This is the time of year that gay rights tend to be at the apex of their promotion . Pride is especially important to me . No , it isn 't only because women in sports bras tend to wrestle with me on the grass ( well , there may be none of that this year anyway ) , but it 's because I truly support the cause . There was a time in my life , not even a decade ago , that I didn 't have the courage to have pride . Looking back , I 'm not sure what was so frightening . . . I 'm just glad I finally came to terms with it all . Better late than never . One of the neat things about embracing my sexual orientation is that I realized that many key apspects of my life haven 't changed from my " straight - wannabe " years . I 'm still a mother , and I still value the time with my kids , raising them , etc . Though the person I am terribly in love with is a woman , I have values similar to those women who love men . I want to raise healthy , happy children . I work hard for the roof over our heads , and I enjoy life similarly as many heterosexuals . There 's nothing to be ashamed of , but much to be proud of . This is where I get to the part where I imagine we are all celebrities , being cheered for on the streets . . . folks , I strongly encourage you to not only attend Pride this year and support the cause ( We won 't achieve equality by sitting out . ) , but also to show your spirit in the parade ! ! ! ! Bring your kids ! We can decorate bikes , wagons , scooters , etc ! If nothing else , consider it your exerPosted by I 'm not a fan of war . . . in fact , I 'm not a fan of any kind of fights . Anytime I 've witnessed others fighting , I become ill as my stomach turns somersaults and my head feels faint . I just don 't like the idea , or the results , of harming another person . I do realize , at times , that it happens . Perhaps it has even been unavoidable . I don 't claim to be a history buff , but I know the U . S . tried very hard to stay out of World Wars I and II , only to be sucked in after an attack . If I recall correctly , it was the sinking of the Lusitania that drew us into the first world war , and the bombing of Pearl Harbor that dragged us into the second . After offenses like those , what else could we do but fight ? Opinions differ about our present war , but that 's beside the point . I just LOVE me some military women ! I don 't know what it is about the uniform , which makes a hot woman even hotter ! In fact , I 've done all branches except for the Air Force and the Coast Guard . Hahaha ! I guess this makes me military by association . But , these days , and for the past nearly two years , there 's a certain sergeant who 's had my attention . . . and eventually became the woman I know I was meant to live my life with . I always support the troops whether I agree with war or not . Though some troops volunteer to go to war , most are sent there . It 's part of what they agreed to when they signed up for the armed forces . Sure , many join for the college fund , for the experience , or like Kristin , because they were in a " I don 't know what to do with myself and I 'm going to show myself I can do this " phase , and were searching for something . Very rarely does one sign up because they love fighting wars . However , the probability of being sent to war is rather high these days . For those readers who have been in the military , or like me , are a " military spouse , " you know that these soldiers are owned by the government . They go where the military sends them . Yeah , you can have some say in the matter , from time to time . For example , Kristin volunteered to go to Korea ( as our friePosted by On May 15th , the California Supreme Court declared marriage legal for same - sex couples in California , citing the domestic partnership system in place in California was the equivalent of second - class citizenship and NOT the same as marriage . Couples are expected to be able to marry in 30 days ! And unlike Massachusetts , couples from anywhere in the country can go to California to get married , though most of our home states aren 't expected to recognize our marriages from California . On this truly historic decision , I can 't help but get excited for all my friends and fellow activists who have been working for years to legalize marriage in California . I think of how happy they were in 2004 when Mayor Gavin Newsom opened the doors of marriage to them , and the tears they shed when their marriages were overturned and tossed aside as if their families didn 't matter . It is wonderful to turn on CNN and see so many of those same people celebrating their love as if it were 2004 again . It is not 2004 though , and since then , many Americans have had the opportunity to see that the marriages of same - sex couples in Massachusetts have had no dooms - day affect on the country or their own marriages for that matter . Those of us in the activist world expect right - wing groups like the Family Research Council and others to take on a MAJOR offensive in California to try to change the state 's Constitution to ban marriage by same - sex couples . We will see money pour into this campaign like no anti - marriage campaign in the past because the right - wing realizes if they lose this battle , the game is over . Already , they realize they are losing the battle , and this really is their last stand . Meanwhile , gay and lesbian couples will marry in California to celebrate their love and gain the protections and responsibilities that go with marriage . Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi have said they will marry . I imagine we will see a host of other celebrities walk down the isle , but more importantly , we will see everyday people marry and gain the legal protePosted by To make a terribly long , complicated story a little shorter , I " came out of the closet " a little later than most . I was 27 ! ! ! ! ! After growing up in a super right - wing family ( and I mean EXTREMELY conservative views ) , and constantly battling myself from within , I finally decided to just be me . . . and that includes being a lesbian . No , it doesn 't define me , but it is a huge part of me . Of course , this affects my dating life , my civil rights , and to some extent , it involves my children . Anyway , my point is that when I was much younger , I went to great lengths to try and make myself be the person I thought I was supposed to be . I didn 't realize that being gay was actually normal ; I thought I was just having devilishly temptuous thoughts . So , I got married , and for reasons unrelated to my sexual orientation , I got divorced . The divorce came seven and a half years after the marriage . In that time , I grew a lot in my mind and spirit , and pretty much overcame any " hang - ups " about going to hell , being sinful , etc . Oddly enough , I learned a lot about myself while getting my degrees in psychology ( which , oddly enough , was intended to serve as training to help others ) . At any rate , upon divorce , I felt free to roll with nature , and to make decisions based on how I feel . Ever since then , in 2002 , I can say my intuition has grown exponentially , and so many other doors to my existence opened . At the time , my children were ages 3 and 5 . It wasn 't long before I found my first girlfriend , and we were definitely not meant to live our lives together . So . . . I 'd see her at school , work , and on my " grown - up weekends . " In the event she came around the kids , they had no idea we were more than friends . Thus , I didn 't approach the issue with them . I still wasn 't totally sure what to make of my new relationship let alone what to tell the kids about it . The first girlfriend saga didn 't even last a whole year . Yet , I was certain I was gay and not bisexual , and I knew that I 'd continue to date women . I thought , for a while , about how I 'd approach thPosted by Tonight , I had the pleasure of attending the Pre - Season game for the Atlanta Dream - - the new Women 's National Basketball Association ( WNBA ) team in Georgia . It was a pleasure for many reasons , but I want to focus on the most obvious . As my friend Karen text - messaged us as she was waiting for us at the game : " I 've never seen so many lesbians in my life . " My wife and I became WNBA fans back when we lived in Washington , DC . There , a new team had just started and there was a lot of buzz in the gay community about it . I was never before a big basketball fan , but somehow my wife and I were suddenly season ticket holders and die - hard WNBA fans . Clearly a big part of the draw for us was that the stands were filled with lesbians ( not so many gay men , but probably a handful ) , and families . We all got along wonderfully and had a great time at the games . It has been no secret in the WNBA that many , if not all of the league teams are supported largely by the lesbian community . Without us , they would probably not survive . So tonight , looking around Philip 's Arena , it was so nice to see all the lesbians in the stands , the quick bond , smiles and nods between strangers . We who attend the games know we are part of a club . It 's a great club to be in for many reasons , but the one that stood out to me tonight was our power . I think one of the reasons so many of us come together and enjoy ourselves in this welcoming environment is because we have power . We are safe in our numbers at the game , so even though we may be sitting near someone with views that are non - accepting of us , we know they will not speak to us in that way because we are not the minority at these games . It is safe . It is fun . And it 's great to follow the drama and stories that accompany women 's basketball . As a leader in this community who often struggles with the idea that we as a community don 't try to grasp real power to help ourselves , I thought about how we may have unconsciously done so through the WNBA . In Atlanta , the stands are clearly filled with lesbians ( and at lePosted by I had a really rough week this week . I broke down in Florida while there for some work and play . Repairs , rental car , frustrations , and then I came back to Atlanta to an overloaded in box , employees with unresolved issues , vendors and clients that needed my attention . My finances and emotions were pretty drained . My 15 year old daughter called Friday afternoon and at about the same time I actually realized just how RAW my emotions were from the previous week . " Daddy , there 's this COOL concert and its ONLY $ 50 , can you send the money ? " That was the last thing I wanted to hear at that moment when I was an hour late leaving from work already and not having had the best week . I didn 't handle it well . She knew I was not in a great mood . I 've spent a lot of time worrying about how my being gay affects my children who live in a very small town where I was very well known . I 've worried about how their morals , values , and religious views are being formed living in an area where it is really NOT ok for your Dad to be gay . Luckily for me , I 've been very well accepted or tolerated depending on the person . I still worry about them . Friday afternoon I realized that with all my worries about being gay and how it affects my children , I let a hard week affect both of us more . How crazy is it that being gay has been a GOOD " status symbol " with her friends . She 's doing a play right now where there are two of her high school buddies who are gay . How wonderful is that ? What I sometimes forget is that being a Dad to my children is LEAST about my being gay and more about showing them the right way to handle bad days and weeks . Its about loving them no matter what . Friday reminded me that its also about how to correct the bad end to a bad week and showing my daughter that I 'm human . At the end of the day , she sent me a text message that read : " Daddy , I don 't tell you this enough but I love you more than you will ever know . " All I know is that after I dried my tears , I thanked God for reminding me that sometimes you even have to tell your Posted by I am in the Corporate / furnished housing business and recently attended our annual conference for the largest organization that represents us in our industry . This year I served on the membership and the conference committee and found it to be a lot of work . I had conference calls and responsibilities for both committees and a " job " to do when I got to Vegas . This was my fourth annual meeting and up to this point I found it informative and a " nice break " from work but that was about it . This year , through my involvement , I learned the inner workings of the organization and how things are done . I learned the core principles of the organization and found the conferences value quadrupled for me . The price of the conference was SO worth it when I realized that I knew what was going on and even had a hand in it . I know this " idea " was stolen from someone so I 'm not taking the credit but . . . . The value of something should not be determined by what you get out of it until you think about what you are putting in to it . I learned this lesson this year . I know now that if I really want to get something out of an organization or event that I need to put something back into it . Thats why I volunteered to serve on the board of Mega Family and recently added myself to the list of Mega Family Champions . My 2 cents in time and money may not mean much by itself , but combine that with everyone else and we both gain from it . I 've never believed that as much in my life as I do now . I hope that the readers of this blog will feel the same . Get out there and contribute whether it be your money or your time . JUST DO IT : ) . A few years back at the end of my first relationship after my marriage ended , my daughter and I sat down to watch TV one night . Before starting the show we were going to watch I turned to her and asked her if she knew something about me that we had never discussed . I 'm from a small town , people talk and I had just finished a 3 year relationship with someone who had a son who was 5 - 8 years old while we were together and he didn 't want to come out during that time . My daughter just looked at me . I said . . you DO know that I 'm gay don 't you ? She said . . DUH Daddy . . . you lived with a partner for 3 years ! I said to her " but we slept in separate rooms when you were there " . Her comment was simply " And you thought you were fooling somebody ? " lol . At the time she was 12 . I was just sitting there stunned . I figured being from a small town she would have heard people talk , but I really thought I had kept something quiet from her all that time . Kids really are perceptive . They see right through us when we have problems or are in trouble . They usually know that we are down or hiding something . I 'm not saying that we need to share with them all of our struggles or drama . I do think that we need to be honest with them when they ask questions and at least give them the minimum information we can at that moment so they see that we are sharing with them . How else can we expect them to be honest with us and share with us when they need to . My daughter turns 16 this July and I 'm proud to say that she has asked to march in the Pride parade with me this year . Yes , sometimes kids are a lot smarter than we think . Sometimes they can teach us a lesson . The other day , on the ride home from work / school , my ten - year old daughter randomly asked , " Mama , what do you think God thinks about the world today ? " Wondering what she was about to say , I responded , " Hmm , I don 't know . What ideas do you have ? " Morghan said , " Well , people litter and leave their trash everywhere . People kill each other , there 's wars , etc . " " Wow , those are some problems right now , " I acknowledged . " And just think what he must have been thinking back when we had slavery ! He must have really been disappointed , " she wondered . I validated her sentiments once again . As we drove on , I had a few ideas and I felt quite good about the thoughts running through my mind . First of all , I was proud that homosexuality was NOT on her list of problems God would be upset about . Most of all , though , I was proud that the things she does feel are a problem are obvious injustices , which cause harm to others ( i . e . , pollution , violence , exploitation , etc . ) . As parents , I know we want to protect our kids from the ills of the world , but since they nevertheless exist , I 'm glad my daughter recognizes them and knows these are the real problems ( well , in my opinion , at least ) . This is my first posting here so I thought that I would introduce myself and why I 'm here . I 'm a new board member with Mega Family in Atlanta . I 'm the Facilitator for the Gay Fathers of Atlanta . I guess I 'm the " odd one out " in this arena as a divorced gay father of two wonderful young adults . What we have in common is that we want our lives and the lives of our children to get better every day . I 'm very much an advocate for GLBT individuals and families rights . If you had asked me 6 years ago I would have said you 'd lost your mind . Five years and a few months ago all that changed . I came out with a " bang " in a very small town , divorced , and left a place I had lived for 37 years and was very much a part of that town and everything that town represented . I thought my life would never be the same again and in many ways I was right . I was one of the lucky ones ! I have 99 % of the friends I did then and hopefully 100 % if not more of the respect of those that I had when I was married . I talked openly about where I was , where I had been and where I hoped I was going ( though at that time I had no idea where I WAS going ) . I kept my main focus on my children and myself trying to make sure we all made it through this process with as few scars as possilble . I never forgot that I was divorcing someone who for 17 years had trusted me to be a loving and faithful husband . Two years later when our facilitator had some family issues to deal with I took over as the Facilitator for the Gay Fathers of Atlanta . Looking back I realize how important it was for me when I first came out to see that men who were in various stages of their divorce , coming out , moving on experience , were dealing with everything and how they kept going in spite of what can be some really huge obstacles . What I know today is that without them I would be a different person . Without those role models ( mostly good . . lol ) I would not have been able to become who I have and am becoming . I know that I owe a debt of gratitude to those who went through this before me aPosted by You hear talks about hate crimes , and you hear stories of where a homosexual is attacked by a complete stranger , simply for being gay . On a less severe , yet more common level , you hear and experience stories of discrimination from others . What hurts most , I 'd say , is when the hate comes from someone who was supposed to love you no matter what : a parent . Okay , so my partner is in Korea , and I have this unbelievable opportunity to go visit her . One of my colleagues is married to someone who generously hooked me up with a buddy pass . . . making the flight affordable . My kids have also reached the ages where they can spend a week with someone else . So , I started thinking about ideas for where they could go . After all , I wanted them to have a good time wherever they are . I would feel guilty if I went off to Korea , having the time of my life and then found out the kids were not having a good time on their spring break . So . . . I knew their father was not an option . He has never opted to have them for more than his alternating weekends . And besides , he works that week . Then , I thought about all the times the kids have asked to spend more time with my mother . When I told them I had the chance to go see Kristin in Korea , they were incredibly supportive and asked me to see if Grandma would have them over . First , let me explain that my mother and I aren 't close at all . Our relationship has been strained since my teen years , when she started a new life that really had no room for me . Don 't get me wrong , I tried . But , she doesn 't like that I 'm gay . Prior to that , she didn 't like that I was divorced . Prior to that , she didn 't like the man I had been married to . Prior to that , she didn 't like that I was not a practicing Catholic , the way she thought I ought to worship . Prior to that , she didn 't like my job as a client relations representative at a sperm bank , because she said it was against God 's will . And prior to that . . . I was just a bad teenager who disappointed her . Prior to that , she claimed she was subjected to vicious gossip , becPosted by My partner , Vincent , and I thought it would be a grand idea to take our 3 1 / 2 year old to the circus for his first life experience to see clown shenanigans , high wire acts and such . As it was , there were three circus troupes in town at the same time we wanted to go : Big Apple Circus , the Universoul Circus , and the granddaddy of all circuses , Ringling Brothers . I wasn 't quite ready to navigate a 3 year old through the throngs of people sure to attend Ringling Brothers at Philips Arena . And I didn 't know much about the Universoul Circus at Turner Stadium . However , I had previously attended the Big Apple Circus and we agreed that because it offered a smaller , more intimate setting at Stone Mountain , we would make this circus Connor 's first circus experience . For days before the event , we built excitement and talked about what we might see under the big top . Connor 's eyes would light up every time we talked about clowns , or horses , or acrobats performing aerial feats unlike anything he had ever seen . He was genuinely excited and eagerly anticipated our upcoming family outing . At last , circus night arrived . Because it was a Friday , the plan was for Vincent to come home from work a little earlier than normal so we wouldn 't have to rush making our way to Stone Mountain . I let Connor take a longer - than - normal nap knowing that he would be up late that evening . If there is one thing I have learned as a parent , it 's that some kids need more sleep than others . If Connor is tired , he is cranky . And if he is cranky , you can expect a meltdown of monumental proportions wherever you might be : the grocery store , the mall , at a playgroup . . . anywhere there is a large audience to observe his performance . I suppose I 've become somewhat immune to his meltdowns . Maybe not immune , but I 've learned to pretend I don 't care how he is acting . For example , the first time I witnessed his foot - stomping , throw - yourself - down - on - the - ground - screaming - for - attention act , I picked him up and hurriedly ran out of the store , leaving a half - full basket of melPosted by We are all living in a world where children from LGBT families are in the minority . Some of us have it better or worse than others . This past week my daughter had her 3rd birthday celebration at her school . As both her moms walked into the school building , we realized this is the first event we will have been at where we are the only parents in the room ( thus , we might be noticed a little more as two moms by the kids ) . We have always been " out " at our daughter 's school , but we know this is a process - - especially for the kids . Sure enough , within 30 seconds of being in the classroom , I hear one of her classmates ask a teacher , " which one is her real mom . " The question echoed inside me like I was in some movie . I couldn 't hear what the teacher said , but I imagine and hope she said they both are . Whatever she said the conversation ended and the little girl seemed satisfied . Busted by a child once again . I imagine we will experience MANY years of dealing with the inquisitive minds of babes . What I did take away from the situation is the lack of work we have been doing around my daughter 's family structure . I really just want to believe my daughter is going to a progressive school , so we wouldn 't have to do much . We are active participants at my daughter 's school . We talk with the other parents and the kids , so we have been overly optimistic about how it will all shake out . The truth is , I wonder what the other parents have told their kids about our family . I really should find out for the benefit of my daughter , but somehow it is sort of like putting off that dental cleaning . Can you believe what a bad example I am setting for other parents ? Just goes to show it is hard for all of us , even those of us living in fairly progressive areas . As I have spent numerous hours in various play settings with my almost 3 year old recently , I have wondered whether we can control our kids being " nice . " As most of us can either remember growing up , or have experienced with our own kids more recently , kids can be at their meanest during play time . I am left wondering , can we do anything as parents , or is this predetermined programing ? I ask if it is predetermined because my daughter 's extremely social , wannabe everyone 's best friend is not from anything we are aware of doing . She seemed this way from about 5 1 / 2 months on . Just as happy as can be , wanting to play with everyone ( I didn 't say she always wants to share her toys ) . Some days I think we are blessed to have such a social , easy - going child who quickly develops new friends . Other days I cringe as I watch her get devastated time after time by kids who won 't play with her for their own reasons ranging from my daughters too young for them , she 's not a part of the little play ground clique of the day , or I surmise they simply think she is weird because she is so social . This is definitely the stuff you don 't think about before you become a parent . It 's really hard . Figuring our when to intervene , when to let it play out . I know she needs to learn social rules , so I usually let it play out , but the look on her face crushes my heart every time I see it . It 's enough to make you want to drop kick a mean child across a play ground . Thankfully , a lot of parents try to stop antisocial behavior from their kids . Whether it makes any difference in the end is questionable . Maybe kids are just wired to be who they are socially . Maybe how they are at 2 , 3 , 4 , or 5 will be nothing like who they will become ( note : I am thinking of the dreaded high school popularity years ) . But , for those of you who are new to the game , be prepared for the parents who could care less if their child is as mean as can be to your child . Interestingly , my anecdotal McDonald 's Play Land experience proves that almost exclusively the kids who are allowedPosted by I post this not as endorsement of Obama , but more in awe of his uniqueness as a candidate . No matter who you vote for , we must admit most of us have never seen a leader / politician such as Obama . Reading about his concept of unity , I had to wonder about all the moments in gay - activism where we spoke of needing a " gay Martin Luther King " to lead us . Maybe we were wrong . Maybe a straight man can give LGBTQ people just as much justice . . . Here are Obama 's words from his speech at Ebeneezer Baptist Church in Atlanta today : The Scripture tells us that when Joshua and the Israelites arrived at the gates of Jericho , they could not enter . The walls of the city were too steep for any one person to climb ; too strong to be taken down with brute force . And so they sat for days , unable to pass on through . But God had a plan for his people . He told them to stand together and march together around the city , and on the seventh day he told them that when they heard the sound of the ram 's horn , they should speak with one voice . And at the chosen hour , when the horn sounded and a chorus of voices cried out together , the mighty walls of Jericho came tumbling down . There are many lessons to take from this passage , just as there are many lessons to take from this day , just as there are many memories that fill the space of this church . As I was thinking about which ones we need to remember at this hour , my mind went back to the very beginning of the modern Civil Rights Era . Because before Memphis and the mountaintop ; before the bridge in Selma and the march on Washington ; before Birmingham and the beatings ; the fire hoses and the loss of those four little girls ; before there was King the icon and his magnificent dream , there was King the young preacher and a people who found themselves suffering under the yolk of oppression . And on the eve of the bus boycotts in Montgomery , at a time when many were still doubtful about the possibilities of change , a time when those in the black community mistrusted themselves , and at times mistrusted eaPosted by I am a real estate professional representing buyers and sellers in the Metro Atlanta real estate market . I am affiliated with the Coldwell Banker Intown Atlanta office . You can reach me at kathy . kelly @ coldwellbankeratlanta . com or at 404 - 808 - 3350 .
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" It wasn 't entirely accidental that Theresa 's debts ended up in the hands of thieves . When the original creditor , Washington Mutual , sold her debt , it stopped caring about what Theresa owed , how she was treated or what happened to her personal information . This is true for many banks … | Not Too Big To Fail ← " If I had been told to get out of the street as a teenager , there would have been a distinct possibility that I might have smarted off . But , I wouldn 't have expected to be shot … " Former Obama senior adviser David Axelrod dismissed it as " pretty sketchy . " ( The indictment of Texas Governor Rick Perry for " abuse of power . " ) Harvard law professor Alan Dershowitz said this is " what happens in totalitarian societies . " … → " It wasn 't entirely accidental that Theresa 's debts ended up in the hands of thieves . When the original creditor , Washington Mutual , sold her debt , it stopped caring about what Theresa owed , how she was treated or what happened to her personal information . This is true for many banks … Aug 20 … when they sell their unpaid accounts , their contracts testify to this indifference . According to American Banker , in a series of transactions in 2009 and 2010 , Bank of America sold millions of dollars of charged - off debt to a company in Denver called CACH . In the sales agreement , Bank of America said it would not make " any representations , warranties , promises , covenants , agreements or guarantees of any kind or character whatsoever " about the accuracy of the account information it was selling … Several years after the Package was stolen - in the summer of 2013 - Theresa received a phone call from a company called McKellar and Associates Group , trying to collect on this very same Washington Mutual debt . I spoke with the agency 's co - owner , Adam Owens , who is based out of Beverly Hills , Calif . I asked Owens how he obtained Theresa 's debt , given the fact that Siegel had permanently retired it . He told me he had purchased it from a debt broker in Florida . It was part of a much larger package of roughly $ 50 million worth of debt , which he bought for just 12 basis points - or one - twelfth of a penny on the dollar . It had been bad paper , Owens said , and he 'd gotten burned on the deal . After the purchase , Owens discovered that another agency was collecting on the same paper and , what 's more , that some of the dates on the debts had been manipulated so that the paper appeared newer than it actually was . As Owens saw it , when buying from debt brokers , this was all part of the risk you faced . He concluded : " It is just data you are purchasing . " … Such sloppy record - keeping may seem surprising , but it is prevalent enough that in 2009 , the F . T . C . said in a report : " When accounts are transferred to debt collectors , the accompanying information often is so deficient that the collectors seek payment from the wrong consumer or demand the wrong amount from the correct consumer . " … Just this month , the Office of the Comptroller of the Currency , which supervises all national banks , issued written guidance on " Why do these big banks who have already financially charged - off these debts , sell them to " Tony Soprano " for pennies on the dollar ( which means nothing to them financially ) ? It 's either top management doesn 't realize how dumb ( and unkind ) this is or I guess they believe that it is their responsibility to put these generally lower income Americans through a little bit of hell because they couldn 't pay their debts … because if they don 't they are worried that more debtors will not pay ? I am not sure , but I think it 's wrong . To me , they should be " courageous " enough to collect their own unpaid debts , in a fair and responsible manner . " , Mike Perry , former Chairman and CEO , IndyMac Bank One afternoon in October 2009 , a former banking executive named Aaron Siegel waited impatiently in the master bedroom of a house in Buffalo that served as his office . As he stared at the room 's old fireplace and then out the window to the quiet street beyond , he tried not to think about his investors and the $ 14 million they had entrusted to him . Siegel was no stranger to money . He grew up in one of the city 's wealthiest and most prominent families . His father , Herb Siegel , was a legendary playboy and the majority owner of a hugely profitable personal - injury law firm . During his late teenage years , Aaron lived essentially unchaperoned in a sprawling , 100 - year - old mansion . His sister , Shana , recalls the parties she hosted - lavish affairs with plenty of Champagne - and how their private - school classmates would often spend the night , as if the place were a clubhouse for the young and privileged . So how , Siegel wondered , had he gotten into his current predicament ? His career started with such promise . He earned his M . B . A . from the highly regarded Simon Business School at the University of Rochester . He took a job at HSBC and completed the bank 's executive training course in London . By all indications , he was well on his way to a very respectable future in the financial world . Siegel was smart , hardworking and ambitious . All he had to do was keep moving up the corporate ladder . Instead , he decided to take a gamble . Siegel struck out on his own , investing in distressed consumer debt - basically buying up the right to collect unpaid credit - card bills . When debtors stop paying those bills , the banks regard the balances as assets for 180 days . After that , they are of questionable worth . So banks " charge off " the accounts , taking a loss , and other creditors act similarly . These huge , routine sell - offs have created a vast market for unpaid debts - not just credit - card debts but also auto loans , medical loans , gym fees , payday loans , overdue cellphone tabs , old utility bills , delinquent book - club accounts . The scale is breathtaking . From 2006 to 2009 , for example , the nation 's top nine debt buyers purchased almost 90 million consumer accounts with more than $ 140 billion in " face value . " And they bought at a steep discount . On average , they paid just 4 . 5 cents on the dollar . These debt buyers collect what they can and then sell the remaining accounts to other buyers , and so on . Those who trade in such debt call it " paper . " That was Aaron Siegel 's business . It turned out to be a good one . Siegel quickly discovered that when he bought the right kind of paper , the profits were astronomical . He obtained one portfolio for $ 28 , 527 , collected more than $ 90 , 000 on it in just six weeks and then sold the remaining uncollected accounts for $ 31 , 000 . Siegel bought another portfolio of debt for $ 33 , 388 , collected more than $ 147 , 000 on it in four months and sold the remaining accounts for $ 33 , 124 . Even to a seasoned Wall Street man , the margins were jaw - dropping . Siegel soon realized that there was the potential to make a fortune . What he needed was capital to invest in portfolios on a grand scale . Using his connections from his school days and from the banking world , he courted eight investors to fund a private - equity firm that would deal exclusively in such paper . He opened the firm , which he named Franklin Asset Management , in an elegant old home at 448 Franklin Street in Buffalo . In the ensuing year and a half , he bought $ 1 . 5 billion worth of unpaid debts . This would be his trial run . If all went smoothly , he would soon start another fund with even more money in it . Some of the deals Siegel made were hugely profitable , while others proved more troublesome . As he soon discovered , after creditors sell off unpaid debts , those debts enter a financial netherworld where strange things can happen . A gamut of players - including debt buyers , collectors , brokers , street hustlers and criminals - all work together , and against one another , to recoup every penny on every dollar . In this often - lawless marketplace , large portfolios of debt - usually in the form of spreadsheets holding debtors ' names , contact information and balances - are bought , sold and sometimes simply stolen . Stolen . This was the word that was foremost in Siegel 's mind on that October afternoon . He had strong reason to believe that a portfolio of paper - his paper - had been stolen and was now being " worked " by one of the many small collection agencies on the impoverished and crime - ridden East Side of Buffalo . Using his spreadsheets , this unknown agency was calling his debtors and collecting debt that was rightfully his . The debtors , of course , had no way of knowing who actually owned the debt . Nor did they have any reason to suspect that they might be paying thieves . They were simply being told they owed the money and had to pay . This was not a problem Siegel was used to handling . There had been no classes at Simon Business School on how to apprehend crooks who appropriated your assets . He could , of course , call the police or the state attorney general , but by the time they intervened , the paper would be picked clean , worthless . His problem was more fundamental , more pressing . At this point , he didn 't know exactly how many files had been stolen , but he knew he needed immediate intervention . What got Siegel into this mess - and into the shadowy realm of debt collecting - was the simple desire to return home . In 2005 , when he was 31 , Siegel left Wall Street and decided to move back to Buffalo , where his parents and sister still lived . He took a job at a local division of Bank of America , specializing in private - wealth management . The only problem was that he had almost no work . " I spent my days spinning around in a chair and throwing pencils at the ceiling , " Siegel said . " There was nothing to do . There 's very little private wealth to manage here . " In many ways , Buffalo never recovered from the loss of its steel mills in the 1980s . Yet at least one industry was booming : debt collection . Buffalo is among the nation 's debt - collection hubs . One of the largest collection agencies in the country , Great Lakes Collection Bureau , was once based there . When many of the com pany 's managers eventually struck out on their own , their companies prospered , multiplied and hired still more collectors . Siegel was intrigued by the fact that so many people in his midst were toiling to collect on debts that his employer - the bank - had given up on and had sold at huge discounts . He sensed an opportunity and in the fall of 2005 , using $ 125 , 000 from his personal savings , he bought his first batch of paper and opened a collection agency . During the day , he worked at the bank ; after hours , he ran his new company . The most pressing order of business was hiring collectors . Those who applied to work for him were mainly a downtrodden lot , and their ranks included ex - convicts , drug addicts , 20 - somethings without high - school diplomas and a variety of other hard - luck cases . " Oh , my God , they were like thugs , " Siegel recalled . He quickly concluded , however , that the more clean - cut types simply couldn 't get the job done . As he put it : " You realize that you 're sitting on an investment and you 've hired a bunch of Boy Scouts who can 't turn any money . " What he needed were telephone hustlers . The problem with the hustlers , Siegel explained , was that they hustled not just the debtors , but him as well . Siegel said one of the first truly great collectors he hired - an overweight , womanizing aspiring bodybuilder - robbed him of several thousand dollars by counterfeiting the firm 's checks . Still , he was making money . And that was largely because of a former armed - robber named Brandon Wilson , whom Siegel met in 2006 . Wilson worked as Siegel 's most valued debt broker , buying portfolios on his behalf . He also served as Siegel 's emissary to the collection industry 's many unsavory precincts . From the outset , they were a most unlikely duo . Siegel likes to wear $ 2 , 000 custom - made pinstripe suits , and he strikes a patrician demeanor from the moment he shakes your hand . His sister told me , " I always say that you can tell he hasn 't worked a manual - labor job in his life because his hands are like butter . " Wilson , by contrast , favors loosefitting sports clothing - the style and the brand don 't matter , so long as they come with a Red Sox or Celtics logo . He spent much of his youth in the notorious housing projects along Mystic Avenue in Somerville , Mass . His mother recalled that " when he was growing up , I was chasing Brandon around the projects with a bat , and he was throwing stones at me , and I was hitting the stones back at him with the bat - but boy , could he run . " When Wilson pulls up his shirt , which he does with some regularity , his arms and upper body are covered with scars , the marks of various knife fights . This is a guy you 'd cross the street to avoid . By the time he was in his early 20s , Wilson had amassed an impressive criminal record . His many offenses included assault and battery , armed robbery ( three counts ) , larceny , armed assault in a home ( two counts ) and knowingly receiving stolen property . And these , of course , represented only the times he was caught . He was never busted for robbing toy stores or night deposit boxes at banks , both of which he claimed to have done repeatedly . Not long after getting out of prison , Wilson took a job as a debt collector . He proved quite good at it , and soon he bought some paper and opened his first agency . Later , he also became a debt broker or dealer , a type of role he knew quite well : " I used to buy pounds of weed , all right , and then break it down and sell ounces to the other guys , who were then breaking it down and selling dime bags on the corner , right ? Well , that 's what [ I 'm ] doing in debt . " Initially , at least , Siegel knew very little about Wilson , except that he was in his mid - 30s , shrewd , plain - spoken and very candid about the decade he spent in jail . What mattered to Siegel , however , was simply that Wilson delivered . From the moment they started doing business , Wilson was providing good paper , with " plenty of meat on the bone , " as they say in the business . " The paper that I bought from him performed wonderfully , " Siegel said . The secret to Wilson 's success was that he knew how to find " crap , " as he called it . Instead of buying " fresh " paper directly from the banks - paper that just a few of the banks ' own collectors or subcontractors had tried to collect on - he looked for older paper that had been bought and sold many times over . He often bought credit - card debt , for example , that had been sold off by the banks 10 or even 15 years ago . Old paper was much cheaper , but the trick was figuring out which portfolios had not been collected on efficiently and thus wrung dry . If you called the debtors from these sorts of portfolios and simply reminded them what they owed , they would often send you a check . " I am a bottom feeder , " Wilson said . " I specialize in finding paper that everyone else thinks is worthless . " A dizzying array of variables affects a portfolio of debt 's true potential - the age of the debt , how many agencies have tried to collect on it , the size of the balances , the type of credit card , where the debtors live and the current economic climate . What 's more , there is no single market or venue - like the Nasdaq or the New York Stock Exchange - where this kind of debt is sold . This creates a marketplace that is inherently inefficient , and Wilson seemed to have a genius for exploiting it . He was quick with numbers and was a tenacious haggler . Wilson talked to everyone , did his research and found opportunities that no one else could - like , for example , a portfolio of paper that no one had touched for five years , other than an incompetent call center based in Brazil . This was the bedrock of his reputation as a debt broker . " I buy old crap , " Wilson said . " I 'm the King of Crap . " Siegel felt confident that if he could enlist Wilson to help him buy an enormous quantity of paper - crap , but good crap - he could make a fortune . Instead of running his own collection agency , he would start a private - equity fund , buy large portfolios of debt and have them worked at other agencies . The fund would be set up as a one - time deal with a limited life span : Investors would make an initial investment and then , over the course of the next several years , receive returns until all of the money the fund earned was dispersed . Best of all , Siegel wouldn 't be responsible for the actual collecting . That meant no more headaches , no more bodybuilders making off with his checkbook . All he needed to do was persuade Wilson to join his operation . Until then , Siegel simply bought paper from Wilson without knowing where he had purchased it or for how much . This worked out well for Wilson . In fact , as Wilson told me , he often bought paper for one penny on the dollar and then instantly sold it to Siegel for two pennies on the dollar , doubling his money . Now , Siegel wanted him to reveal all of his suppliers , help him analyze prospective deals and then step aside and let Siegel make the deals directly . In theory , though , this new arrangement meant that Wilson stood to make a lot of money . Siegel had $ 14 million to spend , and he was also authorized to reinvest his profits for a limited time , which meant that he would most likely be purchasing closer to $ 20 million worth of paper . Siegel would offer Wilson a 5 percent commission on all of the purchases he made from Wilson 's sources . If Wilson brokered all of these deals , he could make $ 1 million . Still , Wilson was skeptical . This deal meant going against a way of doing business - dating back to his criminal days - in which you never , ever gave up your sources or suppliers . But eventually Wilson agreed , in the hopes of becoming a millionaire . As Wilson remembered : " At first , I was like , I am not giving you my sources or my prices - that is how I feed my family . But I did it to make a million bucks . " In Wilson 's view , his checkered past actually enhanced his pedigree . " Part of the package you get of being my business associate or my friend is that I 'm going to protect you from the sharks , " he explained . By " sharks , " Wilson meant the industry 's many unscrupulous collectors , brokers and agency owners . " If you don 't give them a little bit of fear , right - if it 's just the law , if it 's just the attorney general , if it 's just a civil suit - they could care less . So they need someone to go put a stop to that right now . That might not be bashing someone over the head , it might be sitting them down and saying : ' Look , man , you ever do 10 years in the can ? I have . You ever sat there for 10 years waiting for your date ? I have . You think you 're getting away with this ? You 're not . ' Not long after Siegel started his fund , Wilson became interested in a debt buyer based in Painesville , Ohio , known as Hudson & Keyse . Wilson suspected that the company was in financial trouble - and he was right . An insider at Hudson & Keyse later told me , " There was a desperation to sell paper to raise funds . " At Wilson 's urging , Siegel capitalized on this desperation . On Dec . 16 , 2008 , Siegel bought a parcel of debt from Hudson & Keyse containing 8 , 518 accounts with a face value of $ 47 . 5 million for precisely one penny on the dollar . The portfolio of debt that Siegel purchased - which I will refer to simply as " the Package " - was the archetype of the kind of paper he hoped to buy . It was cheap paper that proved very collectible . The debtors in the Package hailed from a range of places across the country , including Ewa Beach , Hawaii ; Dutch Harbor , Alaska ; Prairie Village , Kan . ; and Rock Springs , Wyo . Some of these debtors owed as much as $ 29 , 777 , and others as little as $ 209 ; some were as young as 19 , others were as old as 85 ; some had accounts that were charged off by the banks as long ago as 1989 , others had accounts charged off as recently as 2008 . For Siegel and Wilson , the Package represented money - plain and simple - but , in truth , this Microsoft Excel spreadsheet represented much more than this . The various columns and rows told the stories of several thousand Americans whose financial lives had fallen into ruin and whose futures dangled precariously in the balance . Wilson understood this . At his collection agency in Bangor , Me . , where he worked some of Siegel 's paper , he was often on the phones himself . He heard the excuses , the tirades , the lies , the desperation and the heartbreaking stories of loss . For Wilson , none of it was personal . Instead , he saw the challenge of collecting in very professional , even empirical terms . He 'd developed his own quasi - scientific taxonomy , grouping debtors into some 38 different species or types . For example , a D . H . U . ( Debtor Hung Up ) was a sorry specimen because he had hung up the phone and would probably do so again ; a C . B . ( Call Back ) was a better prospect , because he had at least bothered to call back ; a Promised to Pay had potential , because he acknowledged that the debt was his ; a Broken Promise had failed to honor his guarantee , but that wasn 't entirely bad because you could now use that against him ; and a Broken Payment simply needed a little nudging because he had started to pay and just needed to get back on track . Using a software system that Wilson developed himself , he could program the office 's auto - dialer to call only those debtors who fell into certain classifications . One day , I watched as the auto - dialer at his office called Broken Promises , Broken Payments and C . B . s . " I 'd love to tell you to forget the whole thing , " Wilson said . " I have a mother , I have a grandmother . But I can 't do that . Unfortunately , it 's in your name , it 's under your Social and the balance is due . I could give you a settlement , I could work out some kind of hardship plan with you . " One imperative for Wilson and his collectors was conveying the calm , cool , unshakable understanding that they were , in fact , the rightful owners of these debts and that these debts needed to be paid promptly . It remained unsaid , of course , that this " paper " had often been purchased for as little as one penny on the dollar , and there was no mention of the fact that many of the debts that Wilson specialized in were too old to appear on a credit report or to be sued for in court . Most negative information disappears from credit reports after seven years and , depending on state law , debts may be unrecoverable through a lawsuit after as little as three years . Yet Wilson 's pitch - you owe the money , and now you need to pay - was both simple and perfectly legal . In most states , you can still try to collect on a debt even after its statute of limitations has expired . As the Federal Trade Commission notes on its website : " Although the collector may not sue you to collect the debt , you still owe it . The collector can continue to contact you to try to collect . " Wilson knew the rules and used them to his advantage . As far as I could tell , that 's what Wilson loved about collections : It was a hustle , but a legitimate hustle . In the fall of 2009 , however , it appeared that Wilson and Siegel were the ones being hustled . Someone was pre - empting them , collecting the debts from the Package before they could . The first people to be affected , of course , were the debtors themselves ; the danger they faced was that if they paid the wrong collectors , they would still be liable for their debts . Debtor No . 3 , 159 from the Package , for instance , was a woman named Theresa from a small town in the Southwest . Theresa defies almost all the stereotypes of debtors . She joined the Marines in the early 1990s , at 18 , and served for the next eight years . Theresa was so determined to live responsibly that throughout much of her teens , she worked more than 30 hours a week at a McDonald 's , earning $ 4 . 25 an hour . After the Marines , Theresa married , bought a house and landed a job as the manager of a grocery store . Life was good . And that 's precisely when everything fell apart . " What happened was , I found out that my husband of 11 years had another family somewhere else , " she said matter - of - factly . Theresa filed for divorce in 2005 , but this quickly created a new set of problems . " He left me with everything except the truck that he took , and that was fine , except that I now had to pay for everything , " she said . " I had the credit - card debt . I had the mortgage . I had everything . " Theresa 's credit - card debt included a Washington Mutual account that had a balance of $ 4 , 184 as of July 2006 . In August , September and October , she continued making steady payments even though she wasn 't using the card to make any purchases . Eventually , finances became so tight that she stopped paying altogether . Things came to a head in 2009 when she began receiving phone calls from people who claimed to work at a law firm . She was told that unless she paid off the balance in full , they would take her to court . At the time , Theresa had no way of knowing that the threat was a bluff , nor did she realize that such bluffs are increasingly common . According to annual reports filed by the F . T . C . , the number of complaints about " false threats of lawsuits " from collectors more than doubled from roughly 12 , 000 in 2008 to more than 30 , 000 in 2012 . And the combined number of complaints about threats of violence and " false threats of arrest or seizure of property " have jumped , more than tripling . David Torok , who oversees the F . T . C . 's complaint database , speculates that there were " more consumers truly on the edge " and that collectors were therefore simply " trying to squeeze even harder to get some money out of an extraordinarily dwindling pot . " For Theresa , the possibility of being sued was deeply unsettling . She had recently landed a job with the Border Patrol and knew that a lawsuit could destroy her career as a federal law - enforcement officer . ( As a matter of policy , the Border Patrol says that debts and " financial issues " may render candidates " unsuitable " for service . ) The collectors explained that she now owed more than $ 6 , 000 with interest , but they offered her a deal in which she could settle the matter for just $ 2 , 700 . Theresa said that she set up a payment plan and that over the course of the next six months the money was withdrawn directly from her checking account . There was just one problem : The company never sent a letter confirming that she had paid the bill . Even worse , the payment never appeared on her credit report . She spent the next six months trying to understand where , exactly , her money had gone . " I didn 't want the money back , " she told me . " I just wanted somebody to say , ' Hey , she tried to pay . ' It wasn 't entirely accidental that Theresa 's debts ended up in the hands of thieves . When the original creditor , Washington Mutual , sold her debt , it stopped caring about what Theresa owed , how she was treated or what happened to her personal information . This is true for many banks ; when they sell their unpaid accounts , their contracts testify to this indifference . According to American Banker , in a series of transactions in 2009 and 2010 , Bank of America sold millions of dollars of charged - off debt to a company in Denver called CACH . In the sales agreement , Bank of America said it would not make " any representations , warranties , promises , covenants , agreements or guarantees of any kind or character whatsoever " about the accuracy of the account information it was selling . When Siegel bought the Package from Hudson & Keyse , the sale contract had similar wording . It stated , for example , that the seller was offering no " warranty of any kind " relating to the " validity , collectibility , accuracy or sufficiency of information " that was being sold . In other words , there might be problems with the debts , but they were being sold as is . And there were problems , dating right back to the original creditor , Washington Mutual . Theresa 's bank records confirm that Washington Mutual issued her a significant credit - $ 702 - on the very same day it sold her debt . It 's unclear what the credit was for . An official at Chase Bank , which acquired Washington Mutual in 2008 , told me that the credit might have been offered as relief - a gift , essentially . But he couldn 't be certain . On the monthly statement , the credit appeared as a payment alongside the words " Payment received - Thank you . " Whatever the explanation , one thing is certain : When Siegel bought the account in 2008 , Theresa 's balance didn 't reflect this credit . Somewhere along the way , quite possibly at the bank itself , it was simply forgotten or ignored . Such sloppy record - keeping may seem surprising , but it is prevalent enough that in 2009 , the F . T . C . said in a report : " When accounts are transferred to debt collectors , the accompanying information often is so deficient that the collectors seek payment from the wrong consumer or demand the wrong amount from the correct consumer . " Around the same time that Theresa was getting phone calls from a mysterious law firm , Siegel received an email from the owner of an agency that he had hired to do his collecting . The collectors at this agency were getting the same message from many debtors : We just paid off these accounts - to someone else . Siegel was both flummoxed and concerned . Was this the work of a renegade collector at one of his agencies who was collecting on his own and pocketing the cash ? Or had the paper simply been stolen from his offices ? The notion that a portfolio of debt could be stolen may seem improbable , but plenty of debt brokers are all too willing to sell " bad paper . " Such brokers sometimes " double sell " or " triple sell " the same file to multiple unsuspecting buyers . Other times , a broker may sell paper that he does not own and obtained by nefarious means . I spoke at length with one debt broker from Buffalo , who told me that he had hired a hacker from China to break into a former client 's email account and obtain his password . Once he had the client 's password , the broker had access to his paper . He then simply took a portfolio and , subsequently , sold it to another buyer - who didn 't know and didn 't ask where it came from . On several occasions , Siegel dealt with collection agencies or debt brokers who tried to cheat him in one fashion or another . Once , after being scammed by two local debt brokers , he hired a lawyer and sued the culprits . It took Siegel two years to get a judgment , and then it turned out that the companies were shells . I accompanied Siegel to his lawyer 's office when he got the bad news . " Just because you get a judgment , " his lawyer told him , " doesn 't mean you can collect it . " Much of the responsibility for policing debt collections falls upon the nation 's various state attorneys general - and perhaps none have been more aggressive or successful than the one in New York . Still , the Buffalo bureau consists of only two people devoted to the collections industry . Karen Davis , who is the office 's senior consumer fraud representative , said she received thousands of written complaints about debt collectors each year . After sifting through these complaints and investigating many of them , she singles out companies whose behavior seems to be the most egregious . She puts those companies on a list of the worst offenders that she , personally , has to monitor . When we spoke in the spring of 2013 , there were 324 companies on her list . One of Davis 's recent coups was against an outfit known as International Arbitration Services . The agency 's collectors had been posing as law - enforcement officers and threatening debtors with arrest . ( This particular tactic , which is not uncommon , was just a slightly more aggressive version of the one used against Theresa . ) Rogue agencies like I . A . S . often use fake addresses , post - office boxes and rented phone numbers to mask their whereabouts . Davis believed that I . A . S . was located somewhere in Canada , but she couldn 't determine where exactly . " It went on for months , with us being frustrated , but we could get nowhere , " Davis said . " We just couldn 't figure out where they were . " Then one day an informer showed up at the Buffalo bureau and announced that he worked as a collector for I . A . S . He said he was unhappy because he had been cheated out of his pay - so unhappy that he walked over to complain in person . Walked . That single word left Davis flabbergasted . " What do you mean ? " she said . " They 're not located in Canada ? " No , the informer said , explaining that the I . A . S . office was just a few blocks away . Two days later , she served I . A . S . with a subpoena . Davis 's office ultimately forced I . A . S . to shut down and fined the owner a modest $ 10 , 000 . And this is how a list of 325 companies dwindled to 324 . When Siegel realized that his paper had ended up in someone else 's hands , he knew there was only one thing to do : call Wilson . Wilson quickly started his detective work . First , he spoke with some of the debtors who recently paid the mysterious other agency . None of them could recall the name of the agency , but several combed through their credit - card statements and identified the company that processed the payments they made . So Wilson called the processing company . " I got them on the phone , told them that I was the debtor and said : ' What is this ? I am reversing the charge ! What company charged me for this ? ' " And , like that , Wilson had the name and the phone number of the collection agency . He called up the agency and introduced himself as the debtor . According to Wilson , the woman who answered the phone promptly told him that he was going to be arrested if he didn 't pay . Wilson asked for the address where the business was located , but the woman refused to tell him . Realizing that he was getting nowhere , Wilson hung up and glanced around his office , surveying the faces of his collectors . He called out the names of four of them . They all stood up . One was a young employee named Jeremy Mountain . As he recalls it , Wilson calmly explained to them what they were about to do : " We 're going to shut down this rogue agency or burn it down to the ground . " No one hesitated . They piled into Wilson 's small Mercedes sports car . " On average , the guys in the car weighed about 240 pounds , " Mountain said . " I was the only person who hadn 't gone to prison . " Wilson decided to call one last time and got a man who claimed to be the owner . Wilson told him , " You guys are stealing money . " The owner , who asked to be identified only by his nickname , Bill , insisted that the accounts were his and that he would not stop collecting on them . Wilson 's last - ditch effort to negotiate had apparently failed . Before " going to war , " as Wilson put it , he and his crew stopped by Siegel 's office in Buffalo . As it turns out , Wilson had some business to settle with Siegel as well . Under their arrangement , Siegel was supposed to notify Wilson every time he bought paper from one of Wilson 's sources and then send him a 5 percent commission . Wilson suspected that Siegel had either forgotten or simply neglected to pay him for some of these deals . In the car , Wilson apprised his posse of the situation : " I told my guys , ' I know he has been holding out . ' " Wilson figured that now was the perfect time to leverage his position and demand payment . Siegel recalls Wilson 's arrival vividly : " They come down here in this small Mercedes , and they come storming out of it like clowns out of a clown car - only they 're ex - cons . " With some trepidation , Siegel invited them up to his office . Siegel 's assistant told me that she , too , was startled by the sight of Wilson : " He showed up in the office in a long black coat , drinking whiskey out of the bottle , with all these guys that I would not want to meet in a dark alley . " Siegel quickly resolved the matter of the unpaid commissions by writing Wilson a check for $ 50 , 000 . Before the posse left Siegel 's office , one final member arrived ; he was the owner of another collection agency in Buffalo , which also worked Siegel 's paper . The man - who asked to be identified only by his middle name , Shafeeq - was a Muslim who said he tried to avoid charging interest whenever possible . Shafeeq had the advantage of being a local . He knew the collections scene in Buffalo - the good actors , the bad actors and everybody in between . Shafeeq knew , for example , that Bill owned and operated a corner store near Buffalo 's downtown . There was another benefit to having Shafeeq in the posse as well , namely that he ran his own security firm and was licensed to carry a firearm . Wilson recalls that when they all met up , Shafeeq had a 9 - milli meter pistol with two clips . He also had a large knife . Wilson asked him what it was for . According to Wilson , Shafeeq 's reply was , " It 's for when I run out of bullets . " Wilson and his crew eventually found Bill at his corner store in a run - down neighborhood . Wilson gestured for several of his guys to come with him , including Mountain and Shafeeq . When he walked into the store , he saw an enormous man , roughly 6 - foot - 6 and 280 pounds . Wilson asked the man his name . It was Bill . The encounter was tense . Mountain recalled seeing a gun resting on a shelf behind the checkout counter . Bill confirmed that he had a gun at the ready and said that whether Wilson knew it or not , " he was the one in danger . " Wilson looked around and saw a door that appeared to lead to a back office . He gestured toward the door and said , " I don 't want an audience . " The two men walked through the back door , where Wilson hoped they might find some privacy . " Turns out it was a closet , " Wilson later told me . " So it 's the two of us , just standing there , in a storage closet . " As he recalls it , Wilson told Bill to sit down and then drew close so that the two of them were eye to eye . " If you collect one more dollar on this paper , " he said , " I will come back down here , I will take your server , I will burn your agency to the ground , I will come to your house and burn it down , and then I will come back here and burn this store down . Understand ? " Bill , indignant , proclaimed his innocence , insisting that he had bought the file legitimately from a fairly notorious debt broker based out of Buffalo . This news gave Wilson pause . He knew this broker both personally and by reputation . " Saying that [ this guy ] sold you some bad paper and ripped you off is like saying : ' Guess who robbed me in the forest ? Robin Hood ! ' Of course he did . " According to Wilson , the broker and his associates were notorious in the industry for selling stolen and double - sold accounts . Wilson himself had had " a couple of run - ins with these guys . " On one of these occasions , Wilson claimed that he was cheated out of money that he was owed and drove down to Buffalo to confront them . He never found them , but he remembered the incident bitterly and wondered for a second whether what Bill said might be true . But at the corner store , Wilson was primarily concerned with impressing upon Bill just how serious and dangerous he was . Shafeeq , who overheard much of their encounter , described it as two " big kids " trying to prove who was meanest : " It was a tough - guy show . " Bill said that he refused to be strong - armed and that he told Wilson : " It 's not going to happen here - you 're talking to the wrong guy . " Wilson was not to be outdone . As Shafeeq recalled it , Wilson went into a tirade , lifting up his shirt and screaming at the top of his lungs : " I got stabbed right here ! I got a bullet hole right here ! " According to Shafeeq , Wilson 's tactic worked . " As soon as you see that kind of behavior , " Shafeeq said , " you 're like , O . K . , this dude is absolutely crazy . " In the end , Bill promised to stop collecting on Siegel 's accounts . Bill said he was happy to do this because he paid only $ 10 , 000 for the accounts and had already collected many times that . What 's more , Wilson didn 't demand that he return what he had made . " It was a win - win , " Bill said proudly . Siegel resolved to make the best of a bad situation . Whenever he could confirm that a debtor had paid Bill , he closed the account and permanently retired the debt ; besides that , there wasn 't much more for him to do . He eventually sold many of the uncollected accounts in the Package for a tidy profit . How , exactly , the Package got into Bill 's hands remains a mystery . The notorious debt broker did not return my calls . I did eventually manage to speak with one of his former partners - a man who asked to be identified only by his first name , Larry . Larry insisted that he himself hadn 't handled the Package , but said it was entirely possible that his partner had , because this was how business worked in their corner of the industry . Larry told me that he had often made deals in his car in which the buyer gave him cash , and he handed the buyer a thumb drive with a spreadsheet containing the names , addresses , Social Security numbers , credit - card balances or loan amounts of several thousand debtors . Where exactly , I inquired , did such files come from ? " I 'm not asking where the files are coming from , " he said . " I 'm just dealing . " This , of course , was the root of the problem . No one could ever be sure how Bill obtained the accounts from the Package . The possibilities were dizzying . Bill later suggested to me , for example , that he mentioned the notorious broker 's name only as a diversion and that he had in fact bought the paper from an employee in Siegel 's office , who was selling the paper covertly . Ultimately , there was no telling where the files came from , or who else had copies of them . And this was a problem not just for Siegel , but also for the debtors from the Package . Several years after the Package was stolen - in the summer of 2013 - Theresa received a phone call from a company called McKellar and Associates Group , trying to collect on this very same Washington Mutual debt . I spoke with the agency 's co - owner , Adam Owens , who is based out of Beverly Hills , Calif . I asked Owens how he obtained Theresa 's debt , given the fact that Siegel had permanently retired it . He told me he had purchased it from a debt broker in Florida . It was part of a much larger package of roughly $ 50 million worth of debt , which he bought for just 12 basis points - or one - twelfth of a penny on the dollar . It had been bad paper , Owens said , and he 'd gotten burned on the deal . After the purchase , Owens discovered that another agency was collecting on the same paper and , what 's more , that some of the dates on the debts had been manipulated so that the paper appeared newer than it actually was . As Owens saw it , when buying from debt brokers , this was all part of the risk you faced . He concluded : " It is just data you are purchasing . " The federal government is , at long last , starting to make a serious effort to clean up the collections industry and protect consumers like Theresa . In 2012 , the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau announced that it would start supervising some of the nation 's larger debt collectors to " help restore confidence that the federal government is standing beside the American consumer . " The bureau vowed to police the nation 's largest 175 agencies , but one recent projection on the industry estimates that there will be 8 , 501 debt - collection firms in 2015 in the United States . And the companies engaging in the most grievous behavior - like falsely threatening lawsuits or collecting on bad paper - tend to be the smaller operators . It inevitably falls upon the state attorneys general to go after them , which means depending on overburdened officials like Karen Davis . A centralized loan registry might help , and there are some in development . Mark Parsells , the chief executive of a company called Global Debt Registry , has developed a database that tracks the ownership of consumer debts once they are sold off by banks or original creditors . Each debt is assigned a " universal loan identification number , " or ULIN , which functions like a vehicle identification number on a car . When a car changes hands , its license - plate number changes , but the VIN remains the same ; likewise , when a debt is bought or sold , the account number and the creditor information might change , but the ULIN would remain the same . The registry also maintains electronic records of the original data and documents associated with each debt , like statements and loan applications . If a debtor like Theresa received an inquiry from a strange collection agency or law firm , she could access the registry 's secure website and quickly verify whether this agency actually owned the debt or was authorized to collect on it . So why hasn 't the government helped establish such a registry ? After all , the Department of Motor Vehicles keeps track of who owns what car , and the Register of Deeds records who owns a piece of property . When I visited the Federal Trade Commission in Washington , I posed this very question to an official who investigates and brings actions against debt collectors . The question wasn 't entirely fair , because it fell outside his purview , but I wondered if anyone at the F . T . C . was giving this any thought . " Yeah , I don 't know , " the official said . " The commission hasn 't weighed in on something like that . I think that the commission would have to have a lot more information . " Just this month , the Office of the Comptroller of the Currency , which supervises all national banks , issued written guidance on how debts should be sold . Banks need to vet potential buyers and provide accurate and complete information , the office says . Reform may be on the horizon . And with it there may come a time when there is no need for Wilson 's strongman services or his tough - talking antics , but for the moment , at least , they continue to fill a need . Wilson is still hunting for " crap , " selling it to his clients and promising to keep the sharks at bay . Siegel is still paying back his investors , but his fund is almost at an end . Wilson , not surprisingly , is busy looking for new clients . He even had hopes that his former foe Bill might be a good candidate . In fact , as a thank you for Bill 's prompt and polite cooperation , Wilson said he sent him a small present , a trademark Brandon Wilson tiding of good will : a file containing 1 , 000 old accounts . Pure crap - but crap with potential to become gold . Posted on August 20 , 2014 , in Postings . Bookmark the permalink . Leave a comment . ← " If I had been told to get out of the street as a teenager , there would have been a distinct possibility that I might have smarted off . But , I wouldn 't have expected to be shot … " Former Obama senior adviser David Axelrod dismissed it as " pretty sketchy . " ( The indictment of Texas Governor Rick Perry for " abuse of power . " ) Harvard law professor Alan Dershowitz said this is " what happens in totalitarian societies . " … → Leave a comment " The political and media hysteria surrounding the Trump administration lies somewhere on the repulsiveness scale between the Jacobin excesses of the French Revolution and the McCarthy era . Thus far the public knows of no presidential action that would justify impeachment . Never mind , the crowd cries , let us have the verdict now … " JPM Chairman and CEO Dimon says President Trump 's economic and national security people and policies ( even some of the tough trade talk ) are pretty fabulous . He also says that inappropriate government mortgage regulations have cost the economy 2 million jobs . Don 't believe me ? Read this article . Who is responsible for those lost 2 million jobs ? Clearly , # 1 on that list would be US Senator Elizabeth Warren , the architect of the CFPB … Recent Comments nottoobigtofail . org on " In the accuracy department , h … ty on " In the accuracy department , h … Mark Nelson on " Imagine if our President forc … Mark Nelson on " It 's maddening . It 's disappoi … Mark Nelson on " What do you think of the Well … Archives June 2017
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I 've been a total slacker with running and exercise in general for that matter . Coming home from the mall this afternoon I noticed the outside temp was 61 . My husband was going out tonight so as soon as I realized I had enough time for a quick run , I changed and hit the road . I wasn 't expecting much as it 's been over 3 months since my last run , I hadn 't had time for my usual pre - run hydration , but I figured I 'd go for it . I purposely shuffled my usual playlist and took a different route so as not to get bummed about slow pace or not being able to make the distance . I was expecting to cramp up , get tired , something . Final result - 3 . 01 miles in 28m : 35s . Today I took Little Reader shopping for some new clothes . We started at Target for some basics and then on to Old Orchard for lunch and more shopping . We got most of her stuff at Gymboree but also a new fleece from LL Bean and a couple of things from Justice . It 's funny she 's been asking for clothes from there for a while since a lot of her friends have Justice clothes but we 'd never been in . Even she was overwhelmed by the bright colors and abundance of sparkle and sequins . She did pick out a couple of things and while it wasn 't stuff I would have picked for her it wasn 't too teenagerish so I let her get it . We stopped for frozen yogurt at TCBY , and Claires to use some gift cards she had . Throughout the day I had been making quick stops on the department stores to look for a dress for me for an upcoming black tie event . Our final stop at Bloomies was successful . I found four dresses on the clearance rack to try on . Two were good , but this was the winner ( best part it was reduced from $ 220 to $ 120 ) - - - - - - - >>>> . We had a fun day and this was the first time in a long time it was just the two of us . She told me silly stories about her friends and things about books she 's reading . It was fun to hear her opinion on formal dresses . In most cases we agreed , and she gave me honest ( but not too honest ) opinions in the dressing room . It 's hard to have one on one time when you have three kids , but I definitely need to do it more . at My husband and I drink a lot of wine ( ok , I admit I drink more than he does ) To keep from going broke I try to stick to cheap wines . Decent cheap whites are certainly easier to find than reds . We 've been drinking Barefoot Chardonnay a lot but were getting a little tired of it . Here is one my current favorites Blue fin - a California Chardonnay I found at Trader Joes for 3 . 99 . At that price it definitely doesn 't taste fancy but it is very drinkable and much better than 2 buck Chuck . The only problem is that I don 't really shop at Trader Joes so when I go in to get wine and buy 12 bottles they always ask if I 'm having a party . Um , no , I just like cheap wine . Do you have any favorite cheap wines ? I 'm trying to mix it up a bit so I don 't have to keep going to TJs so often . I 'm sure the people there already think I 'm an alcoholic . Anderson Cooper received a GLAAD media award in recognition of his stature and accomplishments as an openly gay journalist . He came out through a post on someone else 's blog a few months back . My celeb obsessed friends all posted links and comments on Facebook . My reaction , I wasn 't surprised but didn 't really care either . I did start thinking about how this is now an increasingly common way to come out . I can think of at least 3 examples of friends of mine . My husband and I are still friends with his college roommate . He transferred to a different school for the last 2 years of school , so we didn 't see him often , but still talked on the phone often and occasionally visited each other . In all that time , he would talk about girlfriends but we never met any of them . After a while we stopped asking . We reconnected via Facebook , and at first I thought his profile pic ( of himself indoors shirtless ) was a little weird , but didn 't think much about it as he does a lot of weird stuff . Then as time went on , I noticed all his pics were of him with other guys . He would RSVP to events that were sponsored or in support of gay organizations . We went to visit him last year , and while I wanted to , we never talked about it . I think he has wanted us to know for a long time but wasn 't sure how to say it . Maybe he thought it would have been weird for my husband since they were roommates for 2 years . Truth is we don 't care , he seems happier than he used to be . Pre kids I worked in the travel industry , where many of the men are gay . Not sure why , they just are . Anyway , at the time most of us assumed that our boss was gay . His family was ultraconservative and I have a feeling that is part of what kept him closeted . He never talked about it , so we didn 't push . About a year ago ( 7 years after we stopped working together ) , he friended me . He was listed as being in a relationship with a guy , and had lots of pictures of his s . o . I didn 't feel the need to comment on his relationship , but was happy to notice in subsequent posts that he seemed happier now than he was then . I assume being able to be true to himself and the rest of the world is part of that . The other day I was looking through Facebook pictures from another former coworker . She worked for the Obama campaign and had pictures of her at the Pride Parade promoting Obama . The main thing I noticed though was that she was wearing a tshirt saying LGBT for Obama . The more I thought about it , in all the years I 've known her ( probably about 10 by now ) I 've never known her to be in a relationship with anyone , so maybe she is a lesbian . Of course now I 'm curious to know if I 'm right or not . Either way doesn 't matter to me , as long as she 's happy . It seems to me that people can 't be truly happy unless they can be true to themselves and the people close to them . But is this how people come out now through Facebook relationship status and pictures ? I guess it 's not surprising , but I do find it kind of funny . FB is efficient . None of them made big bold proclamations , it just slowly trickled out . Each person must post 11 things about themselves Answer the questions that the nominator set for you plus create 11 questions for the people you 've nominated to answer . Choose 11 people and link them in your post . Go to their page and tell them . No tag backs ! 11 Things About Me What 's the best book you 've read in the last year ? Do you drink wine ? If so what 's your favorite ? ( I 'm always looking for new ones ) I have decided to be a rule - breaker with this part . I have been blessed with this award numerous times and every single time , I have a hard time choosing who to give it to . So this time , if you are reading this and you have never been given the Liebster Award , I am giving it to you ! If one person takes it or 50 , it doesn 't matter to me ! Anyone who has a blog is making their mark on the world and worthy of the award in my opinion . . . . . So , if you would like it , it 's yours : ) Just answer the same questions I had to answer with your 11 random facts and pass it on to 11 more bloggers ! The Keeper of Lost Causes I read the Stieg Larsson books as I felt like I had to after all the hype . They were ok . Some parts were disturbing but I guess that 's a testament to how well written they were . A couple of weeks ago my cousin in Denmark recommended this author . The back of the book puts Adler - Olsen puts in the Nordic Noir category with Stieg Larsson . I didn 't realize that was actually a subgenre of thrillers but I guess it is . I figured if a Danish author was doing well internationally it was worth checking out . I read the book in English which in hindsight I shouldn 't have . There were a few things that just didn 't translate right . I knew what the author meant but a few subtle things definitely got lost in the translation . I 'm not saying I could have done a better job , but if I read another book by him I should read it in Danish . The book alternates between Carl Mørck and Merete Lynggard . Carl is a police detective who recently shot in the line of duty - his partner was seriously injured , another was killed and while Carl physically recovered , the department is not so sure of his mental state . He refuses to take a leave of absence so the powers that be relegate him to a basement office to handle cold cases from around the country . He knows they are trying to force him out , but in his passive aggressive way refuses to go . After twiddling his thumbs for a while , he decides to investigate the disappearance of a member of Parliament five years before - Merete Lynggard . Merete was heading down to Berlin with her brother and disappeared on the ferry . After a brief investigation it was assumed that she had fallen overboard and the case was dropped . The truth is much worse . Merete has been captured and wakes up in a small dark room . She is given a bucket of food once a day but that 's it . She has no idea who has captured her or why . She does her best to keep herself from losing her mind and strength as she has no idea how long she will be held . Some of the parts of her story are pretty disturbing . The book goes back and forth between Carl trying to solve the case and flashbacks to the ordeal that Merete 's story . Little by little we learn more about who has captured her and why . Like Stieg Larsson it is well written which is what makes the story so disturbing . Carl is an abrasive character and not really one you sympathize with . He has a Syrian assistant , Assad , who 's story I am interested in knowing more about . Not sure that I would recommend this book unless you 're a big fan of this genre . We 're heading to Denmark this summer so I may pick up the next one then . In the meantime , I think it 's time to get back to more uplifting reading . Our local fire department recommended changing the batteries in your smoke detectors when you change your clocks . I guess I should have listened . 3 : 12am - BEEP ! I woke up thinking it was my husband 's pager . He was on call but didn 't wake up . 60 seconds later - BEEP ! I realized it wasn 't his usual pager alert , and dozed off again . 60 seconds later - BEEP ! Ok , ok , I get it now . Smoke detector in our bedroom needs a new battery for the battery backup . But at 3 : 14am - NO . I kept willing it to stop , and thinking it had , and then , BEEP ! The only way to reach the smoke detector is to turn on the lights , get the step ladder and a battery and change it . Not happening - BEEP ! I keep hoping my husband will wake up and at least remove the battery . Then I remember since all the detectors are hard wired to each other messing with one , can set off the others . Don 't want to scare the kids by waking them up to the fire alarm - BEEP ! But , I 'm too tired to get up and move , so decide to suffer through it , figuring it will stop eventually . BEEP ! Finally it stops and I doze off . 6 : 50am , my husband leans down to kiss me goodbye before he heads off to work . " You need to change the batteries on the smoke detector when you get home " , I tell him . It started beeping again around 9am , I told Little Man that he could help me change all the batteries in ALL the smoke detectors . Little Man - who like most little boys loves firefighters was all over it . I got the step ladder out , and realized I still couldn 't reach . Little Man was disappointed but I told him he could wait and help Daddy do it when he got home . We spent most of the morning in the basement so we didn 't have to listen to the beeping and the rest of the day out of the house . My husband got home a little late and grumpy but Little Man and I convinced him to at least change the battery in our detector . The rest will be taken care of this weekend . I like Hillshire Farms lunch meats so after we finish eating the meat , I save the containers for all sorts of things , including drippings . After cooking I pour the fat into the container . Even though the container is made of plastic I haven 't melted one yet . Then I put the cover on and pop it in the freezer . I keep it there and keep adding to it until it 's full , and then I toss it . You could also use coffee or soup cans as long as you have a place to store it in your freezer where you don 't have to worry about spilling . Personally , I like having a lid on it , just in case . at Yesterday was Little Reader 's actual birthday . We don 't do anything special in the morning as my husband leaves for work before the rest of us get up . Although Little Man was constantly giving her hugs and saying Happy Birthday : ) Little Man " helped " me wrap all her presents while she was at school . My husband got home early so we were able to have her open all her presents before dinner ( lots of Lego friends stuff , American Girl stuff , some books and games ) . Dinner at her request was hamburgers and mashed potato casserole and brownies for dessert . Since it also happened to be Pi Day , she asked me to cut them into a Pi shape . Once we 've had a chance to go through her spring / summer clothes and see what fits , I 'll probably take her shopping for some new clothes . I used to buy her stuff for her birthday but as she gets older it 's harder . She 's outgrown Carter 's and Oshkosh and I 'm not ready for her to be wearing stuff from Justice and some of the other places her friends shop . She had really wanted a pair of silver Uggs but I refused to pay $ 140 for a pair of kids shoes . Even I don 't have a pair of shoes that cost that much . I know she was a little disappointed about not getting them as so many of her friends have them , but I told her when we go shopping we 'll find something else for her , and next fall maybe she can get some Fuggs . Last summer I started running again , ran a 15k Hot Chocolate and enjoyed it . I used to think runners were crazy but after finishing my first race , I got it . I live in Chicago and I don 't like running in the cold I haven 't . Problem is I miss it . I want to run . I joined a gym in December to try and keep up an exercise routine . I don 't like treadmills so used the ellipticals , but quickly got bored . I want to run . I see people around my neighborhood running as I drive my kids to school . I think they are crazy for running when it is literally freezing outside , but I respect them . I wish I could do it . I want to run . Chicago went 300 + days without snow so I was hopeful for an early spring . Mother Nature decided to dump a bunch of snow on us recently . Shoveling snow may make me break a sweat and burn some calories , but it 's not good enough . I want to run . I don 't count calories or even weigh myself but due to my laziness , clothes isn 't fitting the way it should . I want to run . Enough excuses . Just do it . Tomorrow I will drop the kids at school and I will run . at This weekend we hosted our first slumber party . It was Little Reader 's 9th birthday and she has been to two sleepovers at another friend 's house , but this was the first time any of her friends spent the night at our house . She invited her 3 BFFs and they all came . The party started at 5PM and one of her friend 's showed up on the dot . The other two didn 't show up until 6 as their parents had misread the evite . Once they had all arrived and finished the initial fits of giggles , I set them up to make T - shirts with fabric paint . I gave them the supplies and left them alone . One of their friends is known as the creative one , in no time we overheard comments praising how her shirt looked so nice , and better than theirs . I checked in periodically but the funny part was that by the time they were done each shirt represented their personalities perfectly . I set up a seperate table for the foursome for dinner - pizza followed by ice cream cake and Nutella fudge . To drink - " cocktails " My daughters love the Welchs juices - especially mixing the white grape peach mango and the orange pineapple apple . I think it 's overly sweet but I 'm putting off allowing sodas as long as possible . After dinner Little Reader opened her presents - a lava lamp , Apples to Apples game and a color your own messenger bag and panda bear . She loved them all . Once we got the little ones to bed , Little Reader and her friends played her new game and talked for a while . Finally they wanted to watch a movie and we hit the first glitch of the night . Little Reader had picked Princess Bride as her movie and despite the fact that we just bought the movie I couldn 't find it . We have one of those turntable 400 disc players , but unfortunately you have to load the info yourself and for some reason this one never got labeled . As hard as I tried I couldn 't find it . We checked Netflix and found Princess Protection Program ( or something like that ) for them . One of them had seen it before and they all agreed on it . Demi Lovato and Selena Gomez instead of Robin Wright No such luck , 3 of them never slept , and Little Reader came in asking for breakfast around 730 - no chance kid , see you later . 830 , she and 2 of her friends were in my room . That was inappropriate ( and I 'll talk to her about that later ) . I sent them away , got up and started on homemade pancakes and bacon . 930 we had breakfast and they were all gone by 1030 . Little Reader swore she wasn 't tired after staying up all night , but dozed off by 1130 for 3 hours , got up had a late lunch , dozed off again , and then woke up for dinner , watched the Hawks game - they lost : ( and then off to bed . Bottom line - she had a great time and it was a very easy party . Two years ago we had 10 kids at our house for a science party for two hours and were exhausted , this time it was 4 kids , 17 hours and pretty easy - aside from a little badgering to get breakfast started . Sleeping Snowman Last week Little Man and I made a snowman . Today 's snow was not snowman snow , but after a few days of melting our original snowman was looking a little sad . We took him apart and reinvented him Yesterday my kids had the day off from school as they hadn 't used any of their allotted snow days . Today they have the day off because it is snowing . Glad I took them to Sky High yesterday do they could bounce off the walls there . My husband turned 40 this weekend . I asked him a while back if he wanted a big party with friends and he said no . Still I wanted to do something more than our usual dinner out . He was on call on his actual birthday so we just gave him his presents and had ice cream cake at home with the kids on Friday night and watched the Hawks game . Saturday night he and I went out for dinner and downtown to see Book of Mormon . It 's the story of elders in Uganda trying to convert the locals . One of the elders makes a connection with a local girl and tries to convert her . The problem is that he 's not as well versed in the Book of Mormon as he should be and makes up a lot of it . It was totally irreverent and hysterical . I highly recommend it . Unless of course you are Mormon - then you will most likely find it insulting . This is not one of those shows where you come out singing the big number though , the music is good because the songs are funny but don 't have the big notes of Les Mis or Andrew Lloyd Webber . Have you ever had one of the recipes where you know it has the potential to be really good , but you just can 't get it right ? For me that was Cajun chicken . A friend had posted her recipe on Facebook and no matter what I did it didn 't turn out like I wanted . I loved the idea of the spice with the creamy sauce but her recipe called for sour cream and mine always curdled . Then I stumbled upon this recipe from Comfortably Domestic . I combined the two and finally got what I was going for . 2 . Season the chicken with the Cajun seasoning . Add some EVOO to a warm skillet and brown the chicken . Don 't cook it completely as it will be cooking more in the sauce later . Take it out with a slotted spoon when it looks like this . 9 . Remove the peppers from the pan . Add the Monterey Jack to the cream sauce . Stir constantly until all the cheese has melted , and sauce is smooth . Taste sauce and adjust seasonings . Super Bowl weekend is always a busy time in our house since we host a big party . This year to make it more hectic , Little Reader had two other events - Science Olympiad and her AIM exam . The Science Olympiad had a number of different events that 3 - 5th grade students competed in . She and her partner were doing the mystery box event . There were 15 different stations and at each one was a coffee can with an object inside it . The kids put their hands through a big tube sock attached to the coffee can to feel the object and try to determine its length , weight , material and what it actually was . They took turns feeling the objects ( things like golf balls , rubber ducks , pieces of sponge , finger puppets , action figures , etc ) . She and her partner got 3rd place and only got 2 points less than the fifth graders who came in first . They each got a medal and certificate , were mentioned in the morning announcements Monday morning at school , and their names in the local paper . They were very excited and look forward to doing it again next year . The next day before our party started I drove her down to a local college for her Achievement In Music exam on piano . It was her first time doing it do she was a little nervous but well prepared . The exam consisted of sight reading , repeating what the judge played by ear and also a written portion . She didn 't get her score that day but later that week found out she 'd gotten a near perfect score - 99 . 5 out of 100 . When I told her she was naturally proud but also wondered what the deduction was for . Apparently on one of the sight reading portions she started on the wrong note but then corrected her mistake . A very successful weekend for our Little Reader who is already looking forward to doing both events again next year .
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June 13 , 2017How I thinkattitude , painihavebetterthingstodo Broke my hip in August . 10 months . 3 months now without cane or crutches . My Physical Therapist says , " Try not to walk with a limp . " OK . But my injured leg doesn 't come straight up and down when I step on it . It kinda lists off to one side . When I walk on the tread mill , my gait is ok , but when I 'm done , my right arm is sore . " Don 't lean on it . " ok . " Try not to walk with a limp . " * puts hand back on handle bars for tread mill . * " Now that 's good , just take your hand off now . " * takes hand off * " Now try not to walk with a limp … " repeat . They 're all confused about what to do with my gait . So they sent me to the shoe store to get better shoes . I paid $ 165 for shoes that hurt . They have a wide sole and a very hard and high arch . I slide to the outside of the shoe . ( Gravity tends to work that way . Put something on a hill and it will slide down . ) " Your gait needs improving . The shoes are fine ; you are messed up . " I have blisters on the tops of my toes on one foot , and the tarsometatarsal joint on the outside of my foot goes out of place if I step on uneven ground . This is most unpleasant . Since I was a dance teacher many years ago , I know how to pop it back in , but that doesn 't make it less painful , and it doesn 't solve the problem . I tripped over a broken hose this morning , and it hurt that foot , and also the thigh on my injured leg . Here I am at 7 : 30 AM and my day is already slated to be nasty . I 'm driving through the heavy rain with lightning and thunder , and the guy on the radio says , there 's a better chance for rain ( 50 % ! ) for tomorrow . How can a 50 % chance of rain be better than the 100 % that we have now ? Will it rain more earnestly ? My conclusion is that the day brings what the day brings , and hurting myself 1st thing in the morning does not dictate how the rest of the day will go . What are the things most prized here ? They were the good old American Work Ethic and our Puritan beliefs which , by the way , no one currently knows or understands . The Puritans were not against alcohol , but drinking to excess . The Puritans were not against leisure of any sort , but they assigned it to Sundays . The Puritans were not against sex , it was just relegated to marriage . The American Work Ethic was basically this : Work so you can eat and have the necessities of life . What is the thing that everyone seeks ? It 's a way of life that does not require a work ethic and is based on hedonist beliefs . We desire what would be considered sinful . Ah ! People prefer to put themselves first in every situation . Look at Eve . " Ooo ! If I eat this , I 'll have the knowledge of Good AND Evil ? Then I 'll be just like GOD ? Gimme gimme ! " She was thinking of herself . Cain was thinking of himself . This is ongoing . Now it is passe to think of " sin " and just call it a life choice . The perspective has changed . Anything I want to do should be legal . It feels so good it can 't be bad . It feels so right it can 't be wrong . It 's hypocritical to think that we can legislate morality if no one in the country wants a moral compass because that would lead to lowering our self image . We NEED to define sin for our society to function and we CANNOT define sin because there 's a separation of church and state ( which is no where in the constitution by the way . ) So we go merrily along our way doing whatever the heck we want until someone gets hurt and then we get arrested for doing something stupid . Did you know they actually had a " sin tax ? " A sin tax is an excise tax specifically levied on certain goods deemed harmful to society , for example alcohol and tobacco , candies , drugs , soft drinks , fast foods , coffee , sugar , and gambling . ( Thank you Wiki ) If it 's too expensive , we won 't buy these goods and thereby save our society from sugar - high drunken smokers who crash into fast food drive thru windows . And if it doesn 't work , the tax should pay for the damage . Doh ! So we reward ourselves for doing something good by doing something bad . How typically American . " I worked for a year for this vacation ! So now I 'm going to Las Vegas and lose all my bonus , get stupid drunk , cheat on my spouse and make me regret having worked all year . " " I worked for a month to lose these 2 pounds ! I 'm going to have 2 pounds of cake to celebrate … " oops . " I 've been sober 2 years , 6 months , 3 days and 14 hours ! Let 's have some champagne ! " Let 's turn every holiday into an excuse to get drunk and over eat . Let 's buy a car that goes 200 mph so we can drive 70 on the interstate . We long to do sinful things because we are sinful people . It has a certain adrenaline rush when you know you 're doing something illegal or immoral , and you think to yourself , it won 't hurt anyone , so it 's ok . If it 's illegal or immoral , don 't do it . Actions have consequences . Morals are not something you legislate , they come from upbringing and reverence for life . We have so many in prison because we don 't acknowledge that fact . Nearly all of the Non - violent crime and so many of the violent crime involves no reverence for life . It 's not a hard concept . With moral law , we don 't need as many civil laws to protect people . Moral law is written on the heart and is enforced by the conscience . Does it hurt people ? Don 't do it . Does it endanger your health or life ? Don 't do it . Does it threaten someone 's livelihood ? Don 't do it . Is it selfish and petty ? Don 't do it . Would your grandma do it ? No ? Don 't do it . You don 't do it and you teach your children not to do it , and your grandchildren not to do it , and your neighbors and their children not to do it . You show your friends how not to do it , your enemies how you don 't do it , and YOURSELF how you don 't do it because you revere all life . In any case , in all cases , treat people and property with respect . It 's what you do . Then fewer stupid things will happen and we 'll all be better off ! May 6 , 2017attitude , focusattitude , nutrition ? ihavebetterthingstodo I am so disillusioned ! I thought Sinko de Mayo was when you ate mayonnaise by the sink ! Now I find out it 's a DATE ? 5th of May … who knew Apparently nobody . Cinco De Mayo has nothing to do with Mexican Independence , that was September 16 , 1810 . It is a celebration of an underdog victory - the Mexicans beat the French on May 5 . It is usually celebrated by military parades in Mexico . In the US though , it is a holiday where all the gringos switch to tequila to get drunk . St . Patrick 's day is a solemn occasion that reveres St . Patrick who was instrumental in converting Ireland to Catholicism . But in the USA , everyone wears green and they dye the water in the Chicago river green as well . There 's parades and pub crawls , and it has nothing to do with the celebration of St . Patrick 's day . What is it about Americans that we use every excuse to get a day off work and get drunk or high to excess ? How is that fun ? Why do people look for occasions to escape their lives - either by running away from work or spouse or kids or becoming unconscious ? Being drunk isn 't fun . You can 't see , you can 't talk right , you can 't walk straight , you throw up , you pass out , you lose your inhibitions and do really stupid things that you regret for a long time after . Why do they have to make low - calorie beer ? Is it to entice you to drink more since you won 't then gain weight ? What is the matter with people ? ! It has a lot to do with how people see themselves . It is not with a small amount of discomfort that I refer to myself as fat and give my fat " sentience " and a name ( Obie ) and a personality . If people see themselves as trapped in a job , or in a relationship , or by circumstance with a family , they will engage in escape behavior . I 've been good all week ! I deserve to have that cake , since nothing I do will ever make me thin … Counter intuitive don 't you think ? I will engage in a drinking binge where I end up in a motel with someone I don 't know and have no recollection of the whole night . That should fix my broken marriage . What kind of idiot thinks like that ? Quit crying or I 'll give you something to cry about . Wouldn 't the end result be continued crying at a louder volume and a longer period of time ? Nobody is addressing the root cause of the issue . We shouldn 't have to feel a need to escape . We 're not in a hopeless situation . We 're not fleeing to Canada or Mexico . ( BTW , Are the anti trump celebrities still here ? ) We have 46 million people in the US that are foreign born . People want to come here . All those other societies with free health care , and better schools and better understanding of immigrants etc , only have a fraction of the number of people going to the US . How long will the myth of the American dream last ? Longer than you might think . They all think we 're rich . We consider ourselves living paycheck to paycheck and just barely scraping by … with a new car , a 52 ″ screen TV , food of every imaginable type available EVERYWHERE and for EVERYONE . No lines for staples like bread and milk that run out . Our WORST problem is that we 're all fat . Poor Americans , they have too much food . But we 're the ones trying to escape our lives ? Good morning America … count your blessings . December 19 , 2016focusattitude , motivation , progressihavebetterthingstodo At this time of year , most people are saying to themselves , " Next year is going to be different ! I will NOT be doing such and so , I will NOT look like this , I will NOT procrastinate ( starting January 2nd because I 'll be too hungover to start January 1 . ) How many reflect over the past year and see the successes ? Don 't most people make resolutions in January and by February or March they 've already abandoned them ? Hmmm . That doesn 't look like the work of a loser . Then I look at the stupid scale and I think to myself , " This machine cannot tell the whole story of my life over the past year . " They were silly resolutions . I had no plan , but I accomplished a lot . What would happen if I made a plan and followed it ? I will post my resolutions where I can see them every day . And of course , I will keep you informed on my progress . Both of you ! October 7 , 2016Challengesattitude , progress , superpowersihavebetterthingstodo " There are so many ways to be brave in this world . Sometimes bravery involves laying down your life for something bigger than yourself , or for someone else . Sometimes it involves giving up everything you have ever known , or everyone you have ever loved , for the sake of something greater . I 'm tired of being brave . I don 't want to be brave anymore . I want to crawl into my room , turn off the lights and cry . I don 't want the ' poor baby 's and the ' it will be alright 's . I don 't want to put on the mask of ' I 'll be fine . ' I don 't want to just get up and face tomorrow like nothing 's wrong . My broken hip hurts . My muscles in my legs cramp . My shoulders hurt and my hands have 2 ″ wide callouses on the heels . I can sleep in 2 positions . It hurts to stand up , it hurts to sit , it hurts to lie down . It hurts to move my leg and it hurts not to move my leg . I finally got in to see the orthopedic doctor . I was escorted into the x - ray room , and the tech took the pictures . This was MUCH better than the last time I had x - rays done . I then waited in the little room . I heard the doctor outside my door . " Well , let 's see how Rebecca is … OH MY GOD ! Do you see all the appliances she has in there ? And she WALKED in here ? " Then he walked into the room . " So ? How are you feeling ? " I hurt . I was expecting that . " I have your x - rays here . Were all those done on this recent operation ? ! ! ! " No . The replacement was done at Mayo Clinic in Rochester , MN about 1993 . The joint material had a chemical reaction and weakened the bone and it broke along the spike , so I had Kevin Garvin operate on it here in Omaha in 1999 . Luckily , he didn 't have to replace the appliance , just replace the joint material . That was the 2nd operation on this hip . Then I fell in Orlando and that 's when they added the web clamp you see here . ( We were comparing before and after pictures on my phone . ) " Are you taking any pain meds ? " No , those ran out weeks ago and were not refillable . On a scale of 1 - 10 , it 's an annoying 2 , and depending on the activity , it spikes to a 4 . " Who drove you here ? " I drove myself . ( A look of disbelief crosses his face . ) " How much weight can you put on your leg ? " Let me show you . I stood up and with help balancing on my crutches , I put about 60 % of my weight on it . " Ok , just continue to just put touch pressure on it . I worry about breaking that complicated machine that is in your leg now . " It 's not complicated , it 's a metal web clamp secured by screws . " This is way beyond my expertise . I 'm going to refer you to a hip trauma doctor for you to see next month . A nurse came in and told me which doctors they were referring me to for my follow - up follow - up . ( Yes , I used the word twice . ) Then she said , " You 're the one - the one with the hardware store in your leg . " Yes . " The whole office is talking about you . " Good to know . Why do I keep hearing this in my head ? https : / / www . youtube . com / watch ? v = i47Hz4vvQ2I Why do they have the automatic door buttons on the opposite side of the door they open ? There are times I can 't hit the button and get to the door before it closes ! So my orthopedic doc is having a heart attack after looking at my x - rays , telling me that he 's amazed that I can walk , let alone drive . And yet , I am to continue my life as if this condition with my hip is just an inconvenience . Well it 's a heck of an inconvenience . Getting out of bed in the morning requires balance and timing now . Getting into and out of the shower is a major accomplishment . Stairs are much slower . Opening doors and keeping them open long enough to enter takes coordination : Pull open the door quickly so it continues to open after you put your hand back on the crutch . Move the crutch into a position on the ground so the rubber end catches the door before it closes . Shoulder the door so you can move the crutch to a new blocking position , while edging further into the doorway with the other crutch . Shoulder the door again moving both crutches in , and block the door from smacking you in the back side by placing the heel of your good leg just outside the door frame . Clear the door way . Getting in and out of the car is always a series of steps , and hoping the crutches don 't fall down onto the pavement before you need them . I fear wet floors in bathrooms . I can 't cook because I cannot move food to and from the refridge to the counter or the stove . If I microwave something , I can 't move the plate to the table . I can 't carry a bottle of water , or a cup of coffee . I can wash dishes , but I can 't put them away . I can 't do laundry . I can 't vacuum . Looks like I 'm confined to crutches for at least another month . But I have lessons to give , a conference over the weekend where I help with one activity , and then am in charge of another . So I do these things , and do " work - arounds " to compensate for my crutches and the pain . Thank God I have an amazing husband that picks up the slack when he 's home . He cooks for me , does laundry , and helps keep me organized and ( fairly ) sane . But most people assume that because I put on a good face and make light of things that I have no pain , that I 'm OK . This is me being brave . I don 't want to be , but I have to be . August 9 , 2016Challenges , Uncategorizedattitudeihavebetterthingstodo I am a person of integrity . I do what I say I 'm going to do . I tell the truth . I don 't use truth as a weapon , and if someone needs to have some course corrections , I don 't use bluntness but careful guiding and care for the person to make adjustments in their growth . What you see is what you get when you meet me . Grit is the determination to get things done . You set out a plan , you take the path , you finish what you start . When things look hopeless , I don 't give up the task , I continue until it is done . I believe in my learning system and know that if I apply this system , there isn 't anything I cannot learn , regardless of the subject matter . I know some people that will say , " I hate math , I 'm no good at it . " I look askance and I think to myself , " No , they are not good at math because they don 't want to be . " So I coined the word , Integritty … full of grit Why this long introduction ? I was on my way home from rehearsal last night , and reflecting on the accomplishments I had achieved over my life . ( It was a 1 hour drive … ) And it came to me that most of the accomplishments that had given me the most pleasure were shot down by those around me . When my hubby was in college , he couldn 't walk into a math class . Why ? Because the other students would boo when he walked in . He was so good , that he did all his math homework in ink . He saw problems solved in his head before anyone else had a clue on where to start . He was the same way in computer programming . When he did something amazing , he got praise and adoration from his teachers and fellow students . When I was in college and I did something amazing , I was accused of lying or cheating . When he got perfect papers in math , he got A 's . When I got perfect papers in math , I was brought in to the professor 's office and asked point blank if my future husband had done my homework . When he aced the calculus test , his teachers glowed with pride at the mention of his name . When I aced the calculus test , they checked me for a copy of the test , or hidden answers written on socks or sleeves . When I had to take the piano proficiency test , we had to play the Star Spangled Banner and My Country ' Tis of Thee without music . I played the required songs with multiple arrangements in several different keys . I played them as I heard them in my head . The teachers told everyone that I had memorized 5 different versions of each piece . Memorized ? There aren 't that many versions , and certainly not in that many keys . In another instance , I was the 1st person in the history of the college to test out of 2nd semester sight singing and ear training . They had me listed as " dropped " from the class . Do you want to know what the final test was ? They played a Bach Chorale and gave me a starting note . I had to transcribe the melody and the bass line for the piece as I heard it , and they allowed me 6 repetitions of the song . After 2 times , I had both parts written , and as I had 4 more times to go through it , I filled in the rest of the notes . Then I analyzed the chords . I hadn 't studied the " Picardy 3rd " in theory class yet , so I identified it as a Major I chord . They checked my work , then came in and accused me of having memorizing the chorale before the test and writing it from memory . I assured them that I hadn 't even played this chorale before , let alone memorized it . I also asked them how difficult it would have been to know in advance which piece of music they were going to ask me to transcribe and find , learn , and memorize it in the 3 days I had before the test . They grudgingly allowed me to finish the semester without taking the course . I didn 't find out until much later that instead of passing me , they had me " excused " from the class . When I took the Series 7 exam for securities , I was in a class by myself . Literally . They handed me 13 binders and I had to complete 22 chapters with chapter tests , and 13 final tests and a green light test without benefit of class or teacher . I did that . I passed the series 7 test the 1st time I took it . Later ( about 10 years ) I took the Series 26 exam for principals in securities . I signed up for the test , then studied the material for about 2 weeks . I figured I might as well take the Series 65 for Managed Accounts that would make me an IAR a couple weeks later . I was told in no uncertain terms that this was not advisable . I should study for my 26 for at least a month before taking the test , and I should not study for the 65 until after I had passed the 26 . I nodded and ignored him . I had already studied for the test and I had to just wait for my test date , so I started studying for the series 65 . I took the 2 hour , 100 + question test for the 26 and passed it on my 1st attempt 7 / 23 / 2012 . Then , I took the 4 hour , 100 + question test for the 65 and passed it also on my 1st attempt 8 / 10 / 2012 . Both tests were completed in less than 1 1 / 2 hours each . I was asked if I had taken a boot camp . I was asked if I 'd ever taken the test before . My frustration is that as a person of integrity , and a person with " integritty " why the 1st conclusion people come to when I do things is that I am dishonest , that I cheat , that I lie . The 1st assumption is that I , being the person they perceive me to be , am not capable of doing something that is not within their expectations , and that if I do anything very very well it proves that I have done something outside the rules to accomplish it . This perception is so prevalent that I don 't dare give anyone an inkling of what I am capable of . I think I am a good teacher , but I 'm probably not . I think I am a good musician , but I 'm probably not . I think I am very very good at understanding money , but I 'm probably not . What I 'd like is to do something really well and have the reaction , " WOW ! That was amazing ! You are so GOOD at this ! " instead of , " Wait , you did what ? Naw , you must have cheated , you lie - you have done this for years before you tried it in public . Who are you trying to kid ? Nobody can do that , so you didn 't . How 'd you pull it off ? " My husband is one of very few that knows I don 't cheat or lie or exaggerate . I can count on one hand the others that think this . It is a lonely way to live . June 8 , 2016distractionsattitudeihavebetterthingstodo I came across this philosophy the other day and it just really bothered me . " Sending a girl home to change clothes because her bra straps were showing or her shorts were too short is telling her that having a less distracted environment for the boys was more important than her education . " The more I thought about it , the madder I got . When I was growing up in the 60 's , and long hair on the boys and miniskirts were just starting to trend , girls had to kneel and a teacher or principal had to measure the distance from the floor to the bottom of the skirt . It could be no more than 3 ″ from the floor . They didn 't have a similar requirement for the boys since long hair wasn 't distracting but short skirts were . Compared to the skirt length that was common in the late 60 's , this was 3 ″ was not very daring . Girls were not allowed to wear jeans or pants to school . Remember that this was about the time when Hugh Hefner was pushing the Playboy philosophy . His first magazine came out in 1953 , but the 60 's brought about a change that said sex was not the same as promiscuity . It was ok to have multiple partners , and women 's bodies were beautiful . The Victorian ideal female was covered neck to toe and camouflaged , to show as much SHAPE but no details . At this period of time , it was almost an English version of the Burka . As Puritans with this view of women colonized the new world , their basic view was the same toward women . Women were helpmates and baby factories . The only person that should see them naked was the husband . 300 years later ( 1660 - 1960 ) the view hadn 't changed much . Men 's magazines were promoting lust and covering this philosophy by extolling the thought that women 's bodies were beautiful , and they had the choice of whether to have sex with more than one person rather than relegating sex to marriage only . What hormone riddled man in his right mind would dispute that ? ! Women were encouraged to shed their Victorian concepts of modesty and purity . We did . The music we listened to , the clothes we wore , the material in the magazines and news on t . v . said it was ok to have these feelings and that it was perfectly natural . Shame was considered out - dated and silly . No one should ever be ashamed of their body . By that time , we had been exposed to Barbie Dolls and Playboy for a generation . We knew what a beautiful woman looked like - they were chosen monthly . The dolls also reflected that ideal . They were no longer baby dolls , they were action figures . This is where the perspective shifted . " If you are not ashamed of your body , show EVERYONE . " However if you don 't look like Miss July or Barbie , please , don 't do it ! Now this is when things went sideways . Remember how I mentioned girls that were sent home because they didn 't pass the 3 ″ rule on dresses ? Instead of saying , " Hm . Maybe I should dress more conservatively , " we got mad and complained that we no longer had freedom of choice . The parents , who were as liberated as we were , ( and indoctrinated by Dr . Spock that their primary role was to get to be best friends with their teen - aged children ) went to the courts and the Government and Justice System got involved in our schools . They determined that students have basic rights , they determined how punishment should be delivered , they determined subject matter , competencies of students and teachers , political and scientific correctness , administration , and every other aspect of schools . This was the biggest mistake our country ever made , and 40 years later , we 're seeing the cost of this mistake . In Nebraska in the 1860 's , the women were pioneers - tough , persistent , hard - working women . When they got dressed up for church , they 'd wear a hat . Nobody used makeup . Now , women spend many dollars on make - up and instead of lightening the skin to make it look like you didn 't have to ever leave the castle , they have tanning beds and spray on bronzer to make it look like you don 't have to go to work . The purpose , of course , is to enhance the appearance that suggests wealth and a leisurely life style . Instead of physical labor that keeps you healthy through effort , we have diets and trainers and running trails , and we go to yoga classes , jazzercize , and spinning classes . The fact is that all women are meant to feel shame for the way they look . Beautiful women are chastised for modesty because they 're accused of being ashamed of how they look . " If you do not show us the maximum amount of your body , you are ashamed of your body . " If you are not considered beautiful by today 's standards ( because today 's standards are so temporary and may change tomorrow ) then you SHOULD be ashamed of your body . We can 't win . Women are judged by men and other women according to an artificially set ideal . And what is the purpose of this ideal ? Is it to live longer healthier lives ? Is it to feel better and enhance endurance and strength ? Nooooooooo , it is so we can " fall in love and get Mr . Right , or Mr . Pretty Close , or Mr . Available for the next hour . " What age should we start looking for this man ? I 'm seeing this programming started before the child can dress herself . Given the ultimate goal for every female , OUR WHOLE PURPOSE IN LIFE IS TO DISTRACT MALES FROM WHAT THEY ARE DOING AND ATTRACT THEM TO US SO WE CAN HAVE THAT LIFE THAT DOES NOT REQUIRE WORK . This means that education is not important , and we 're Supposed to distract the males in school . Wait , what ? We want to have the leisure to lie in the sun , do all the popular exercise activity and become gourmet cooks and Martha Stewart decorators . Does any of that take an education ? No . Do females who don 't fit the profile have a chance at that lifestyle ? No ? Then education is only important to those unfortunates so they can get the career that gets them in front of more men , who , if they are not currently in a relationship or married , are desperate to find women and will settle for something less than the ideal . This is where the anti - programming comes into play . Yes , anti - programming ! We , as parents and society , need to indoctrinate our young women to be people of substance , people who can add value to others . We need to show them the beauty of self fulfillment . We need to show them how to build character , how to become people of influence . Does THAT take an education ? Absolutely ! It changes the perspective of our purpose in life ! If we no longer have to spend all our energy and resources attracting and keeping men and change our priorities to improving our character and our value to society , it doesn 't matter if we fit the ideal of the perfectly formed woman . We don 't have to advertise our availability as a potential mate by showing our bodies in the most provocative way . That DOESN ' T mean we are ashamed of our bodies , it just means that how we look is not as important as what kind of people we are . How do we as a society influence young females to this perspective ? As parents , we don 't encourage provocative dress in 6 year old girls . We control what our daughters wear up until they start earning their own money , and then we control what we allow our daughters to wear to school . We remind them that boys and boyfriends are not the ultimate goal of education . As school administrators and teachers , we send home the girls that dress in a way that says they are not in school to learn . ( Remember I 'm focusing on females in this article … the same concepts apply to males as well . ) The most important point I want to make , then , is that " Sending a girl home to change clothes because her bra straps were showing or her shorts were too short is telling her that having a less distracted environment for the boys was more important than her education , " is completely backwards . Sending a girl home to change clothes because her bra straps were showing or her shorts were too short is telling her that her education is more important than whether she attracts boys . Suggestive or provocative clothing is not conducive to HER education because attracting boys is not the purpose of going to school . April 16 , 2016How I thinkattitudeihavebetterthingstodo This might make the difference ! I want to thank AGoe for this . She 's such a great blogger and she gives me insight and hope . When it is put like this , what is it I do most of the time ? I get disgusted with myself and think that it will move me to be successful . I am trying to hate myself content , happy , with a feeling of accomplishment . I am trying to criticize myself better , faster , cleaner , and healthier . I 'm trying to shame myself worthy of people 's attention , respect , friendship , and caring . Well no WONDER ! Can I blame anyone for this ? What if you 've been told all your life that everything you are and do are not good enough ? I am good enough ! For a long while , I debated people on these points . I am just as smart and competent and resourceful and healthy and as good as you are . Something happened . I got nothing in encouragement except from my parents , and even then , I got the distinct impression that I was a disappointment to them and they were encouraging and supportive because they had to be . Eleanor Roosevelt said that no one could make you feel inferior without your consent . I got tired of arguing and debating , and I got to the point where I thought to myself , " Self ? If EVERYONE tells you the same thing , maybe they 're right . " So I gave my consent . I went into a spiral . Yes , you are right , I 'm scum . No ? Ah , I give scum a bad name . You 're probably right . Want me to teach you banjo ? Want me to teach you statistics ? If you 'd like to be a millionaire - I can help you . Oh wait , why would anyone take advice or mentoring / teaching from scum ? Never mind … I gave up on myself over and over again . I 'd do something really amazing , and everyone would be surprised that that I was capable of that kind of performance . Then I would find it impossible to capitalize on that performance because I was unworthy of people 's trust and belief . I need to spiral back up . I will have to leave the self hate , the vicious criticism , and the shame behind . I have to do what I 've been teaching students and clients for the last 50 years to do - pat yourself on the back for the things that go right and say " oops " for the things that go wrong . Use the phrase , " Hmmm , isn 't that interesting ? " or " That didn 't go as planned , recalculating ! " instead of cussing myself out and reaffirming all the negative things people say to and about me or imply by the eye rolls and the snickers ( not the candy bar … I like the snickers candy bars ! : p ) Should be an interesting change in perspective . February 5 , 2016How I think , Uncategorizedattitudeihavebetterthingstodo Two posts ago , I decided that the numbers do not affect how I feel or influence my weight management program . I found myself really really frustrated that I would eat such and such calories , and expend thus and so energy to controlling my weight and health , and see no benefit . I was losing practically no weight , and in some cases gaining weight by being diligent in tracking my numbers . It took an enormous amount of effort ( ok , what exactly CAN I eat , and why do I have to spend an hour on the rowing machine to counter act the cinnamon roll I ate in 15 min ? ! ! ) I threw out the numbers and just figured I 'd eat sensibly and exercise to feel better and not worry about all those feelings of inadequacy and failure . Welllllllll , when you do that , it 's like going off road to get to your destination . I did that once . We were in an airport in Canada on our way to England for a tour . There was nothing at the airport we could really afford , being poor college students , so we decided to go to a mall or something to get food . We didn 't want to take a taxi , and since we had a 7 hour layover … we went cross country to get to what we thought would have something affordable and edible . We were not dressed properly for this adventure . It seemed flat and passable and shouldn 't have taken more than 1 / 2 an hour to traverse . It wasn 't . It was rough , and muddy , and by the time we got to where we wanted to go , we were past starving and didn 't care what the prices were . It defeated the whole purpose . Then we had to trek back to make our plane . We had a goal in mind , " It 's right over there ! We can see it ! Why aren 't we there yet ? Boy was THIS a stupid idea ! " We didn 't consult a map , we didn 't call to see what their prices were ( no cell phones ) and didn 't consider other alternatives such as ordering food and sharing it . We reached our destination and got back in time to catch our flight , but we didn 't achieve our purpose . I am back at the point where my back stiffens up when I walk or stand for any amount of time . I put my arms to sleep when I lie on my back . I have difficulties getting out of my car . This doesn 't feel good . This feels clumsy ; this feels annoying ; this feels painful . So I go back to my numbers again . Then , I had a flash of insight . You need the numbers like you need signs … 14 miles to Cambridge , 20 minutes to work , 2 hours to take this test . It is to help you gauge your progress . You are not in pursuit of the numbers , they just tell you where you are . I know I have to eat sensibly . I know I should move around some everyday instead of once a week . The questions that arise are , what did you eat , and how much is available for the rest of the day . What have you done movement wise today ? Should I set aside a specific number of minutes or a specific activity to do on each day . It becomes a chore and we all hate chores . It doesn 't mean you don 't have to clean house or organize stuff for your taxes just because you hate chores . Things have to get done regardless of how you feel about them . Oh . So I went back to my numbers . I am back on the path … though it is still muddy and rutted and dotted with dog poo . I lost 3 pounds . August 3 , 2015How I thinkattitudeihavebetterthingstodo Sherry is petite . 5 ' 3 ″ and all muscle , she 's in her 50 's and can do T planks , bicep curls with 40 pound weights , and a whole spin class without breaking a sweat . She 's sweet . She feels guilty when the workout she gives me makes me sore . Lately , due to time restraints and vacations and such , we have taken a break from training . Of COURSE we were going to continue to log our foods and come in for training . She wanted an update every Saturday . We promised we would give our food logs and exercise logs and current weights to her . " Free at Last ! Free at Last ! … " Haven 't put a foot in the door of the gym for 2 weeks . Haven 't kept track of anything going into my mouth . Haven 't weighed myself in a month . I 'm not free . I 'm a slave to my fat . My fat , which I believe I called Obe , says YOU ARE HUNGRY . Then he laughs maniacally when I try to find something healthy and end up doing a vacuum cleaner impersonation . I did a concert last night where I played the drums . There was no air moving on the stage , and hot lights . I got that 1 little trickle that runs down your back . My little trickle didn 't stop there though . It gathered its buddies and turned into a small brook that ran all the way down my leg ! I was soaked when I got home . I had a snack of cottage cheese and a fresh peach . I have to go to the gym today just to weigh if nothing else . Didn 't walk yesterday - 95 degrees and 200 % humidity . I 'm wondering if I have to start completely over when I get back into training . That is so depressing . At one point , I was down to 187 . I quit going and ballooned up to 215 . I can 't do that again . That would be stupid . Obe thinks this is amusing . I have resolved I am going to get in shape . Obe says , " Round is a shape … " and then he giggles . I am going to get down and STAY down below 200 pounds . Obe says , " You could have your husband sit on you . " Obe is laughing so hard he has tears in his navel . I hate Obe . Any psychologist reading this would say I was devolving , and having delusions . I might even have a multiple personality developing . He 'd ask , solicitously , " and how are we feeling ? " and we 'd reply , " We have no idea how you and your personalities feel , but one of mine is confused and angry and another wants to beat the snot out of you . Obe thinks this is hilarious . He asks why I haven 't named the others in his crew . " " Shut up Obe ! "
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English language school in the heart of the Japanese Alps , and English language learners sharing their experiences online . Teachers post regular items about teaching , learning tools , events in the school , their day to day experiences living & working in a foreign country . Students post on whatever takes their fancy - book reports , festivals in home towns , postcards from business trips etc . A little Brit of England in the guts of Japan ! With so many party - goers this year , we had to rotate people through four static activities . Marty had drawn a lovely Rudolph sadly missing his nose , which blindfolded rescuers tried to glue back in the right place . Ski gloves make that hard ! Damian was multiplying snowmen in the crafty corner . Naomi had again produced a couple of amazing winterscapes for everyone to colour in as a mozaic , and Jim had competitive Christmas colour & paste ladder races for all ages . Everyone was a winner ! Yuta : I ate fried chicken ( my mum cooked it ) at home , with my parents . I didn 't have Christmas pudding because I did not know what it is . I 'd like to try it this year . Jim : I don 't want socks . I want a gadget to turn my old analog stereo amplifier & speakers into bluetooth receivers . I hope my children do not get toy guns / swords / anything noisy ! When I read the above sentence , I recalled Mr . Hirotada Ototake . He is a writer and a commentator . He is a person born without legs and arms and uses an automatic wheelchair to move around . His most famous book is Gotai Fumanzoku ( No one 's Perfect - English title ) that was published in 1998 and his experiences as the physically challenged are positively described . In the book , he says that " Handicap is inconvenient , but not unhappy " . He considers that his handicap is one of his personalities . When I read the book , I was surprised and moved by his positive message and life style . After his graduation from Waseda University , he entered Meisei University to get elementary school teacher 's license and worked for a school . He also became an educational board member in Tokyo . He got married in 2001 and has three children . When the first child was born , he took paternity leave . In the meantime , he is a member of rock band " Cowperking " and vocalist . He entered a graduate school in April 2015 to study social issues . I expect he plays an important role in various fields regardless handicap . An after reading task from Anne of Green Gables She just made the world record . She became the first woman who flew across the Atlantic . This is really brilliant record and everyone must admit she is a brave woman . Last year , Charles Lindberg did the solo flight from the States to Paris in France . Just one year later , Amelia proved the woman could fly across the Atlantic as Lindberg did . Amelia joined the project as one of pilot . She flew together with Wilmer Stultz and Louis Gordon . The team left the States by the plane named Friendship and arrived at Burry Port of Wales . It was over 20 hours of flight . The weather was very bad . The plane had to go through the heavy storm and thick fog . They finally arrived in Wales though their original goal was Ireland . After she arrived in Wales , one of reporter asked how her flight was . She replied , it was the challenging flight but the brave pilot , Stultz did a great job and managed to have a safe flight across the Atlantic . She also said she would like to make a solo flight across the Atlantic in the near future . I lived in London for four years about 5 years ago . There I felt that London is a very generous city . It accepts the immigrants from other counties . The school I used to go to was called " Old Oak " . There were students from more than 30 different counties , including me from Japan . We looked different , we had different colored skins , we had a variety of religions , but we had no discrimination . There was respect between each other . When I started to go to the school I couldn 't speak English , but a lot of students took me to the play ground and taught me how to play football . I couldn 't understand what they are saying , but I was very happy with their politeness . My best friends were from Afghanistan , Sudan , London and Morocco . People living in my street were from America , China , Sudan , Ghana and Iraq . I ate lots of different kinds of food , learnt about a lot of different cultures and religions . I think it will be a difficult thing in Japan to welcome immigrants who can 't speak Japanese because the Japanese are shy , skeptical and conservative . In this way , I think Japan should imitate London 's multiculturalism . Japan would be a more interesting and exciting place . The elementary school that I went had an event to go for camping when I was fourth and fifth grade . I was excited to go for camping because didn 't have a chance with my family . We stayed lodge when we were fourth grade , but we actually built tent when we were fifth grade . Nowadays , tent might be light and easy to build . Back then , tent was thick heavy sheet , especially , the rental tent was nothing fancy green tent , but I was so excited to build it with my friends . The tent seemed that it 's not big when I saw it from outside . However , I was moved when I went into the tent . My group was four people , and it was big enough to chat and sleep for us . The fifth grade camping was held in June . The sad thing is that the day was cloudy . In the night , gentle rain started . Because of rain , I couldn 't hear much sound of frogs or birds . I only heard the sound of rain drop and river stream far away . I slept soon for that I worked hard that day to do activity , so it was not the problem anyway . The rain finished in the morning , and little bit foggy . It was magical atmosphere in the forest . While I write this essay , I remember the joyful camp . Someday , I hope to have a chance to go for camp ! I arrived in Charlottetown yesterday afternoon . The college dorm is very nice and clean . The college campus is very large and beautiful but the trees and field of grasses of Green Gables are more beautiful than anything . I 've been to the center of Charlottetown with my roommate today . There were a lot of stores for clothes , foods and everything ! I want to take you and Matthew to show all of them . I heard that we can go to see another seaside of Prince Edward Island from Charlottetown after taking a bus for 10 minutes . I want to go to the seaside and read books with my classmate . Of course I don 't forget to study hard in the collage . I will be a teacher in the future and live with you and Matthew happily . The plot was sophisticated . It starts with joy and a happy family life , but suddenly it collapses . Then the husband cooperates with the Navy and WHO to produce the vaccine to cure the zombie infection , since he used to be a member of WHO . In my opinion , the acting was first - rate and unbelievable stunts were included which you definitely can 't miss . My favourite part was where the Israeli Wall collapses by noise . It was hilarious to me and couldn 't stop laughing , and my least favourite was where the wife phones her husband . It was stupid , but as a film I think it needs something that is unexpected . Finally , World War Z is highly gripping and thrilling . It doesn 't really end with " End " , it makes us think and what will happen if the story became true . I can recommend it from teens to anyone . Eeek ! It 's Friday the 13th and there 's something horribly frighting I have to show you all ! My students have been busy making a monster scrapbook , terrifying enough to give even the most composed of souls the creeps ! We began with a body as a starting point , and used a trusty die to determine how many of each body part we would add to our crazy creations . 6 heads with 1 eye , 4 feet with 4 toes , you name it , we had it ! For the more advanced students , there was an additional twist where the activity was a dictation exercise , pairing an adjective ( short , big , thin etc ) with each body part . sent available resources to the search area in the vicinity of Howland Island . The official search efforts lasted until July 19 , 1937 . At $ 4 million , the air and sea search by the Navy and Coast Guard was the most costly and intensive in U . S . history . But search and rescue techniques during the era were introductory and some of the search was based on erroneous assumptions . Despite an unprecedented search by the United States Navy and Coast Guard no physical evidence of Earhart , Noonan or the Electra 10E was found . In in the United States , Putnam acted to become the trustee of Earhart 's estate so that he could pay for the searches and related bills . In a court in Los Angeles , Putnam requested to have the " declared death in absentia " seven - year waiting period waived so that he could manage Earhart 's finances . As a result , Earhart was declared legally dead on January 5 , 1939 . Posted by Yes , he did . I thought Wallis was a very attractive woman . So even she already married Edward loved her . I thought they were wonderful lovers . If they met in London of course Edward would be a King and Wallis would be a Queen . But before World War Second , she wasn 't a suitable person for him to marry . Wallis was from the USA . She divorced her husbands twice . Her husbands were alive . The British people wanted the Royal family to be an ideal family . So they couldn 't accept Wallis as a Queen . It was sad for them not to live in London . But they got a free lifestyle . I think no one gets everything . For Edward it is a wonderful life to live with the true lover . I hear there is an interesting thing . British people don 't like American lineage But Princess Diana 's grandmother is American . So now there is an American lineage in Royal family . The time is changing . The story was about King George 6th , a younger brother of Edward . ( We read a book of him " The love of a King " ) When King George 6th was a child , he was troubled with speaking ( stammering ) , so he was a shy boy . But his father was very strict . And his older brother Edward was a free man , he choose Love instead of to be a King . So , unexpectedly he became a King of England . He still had trouble of stammering , but as a King he had to make speeches many times . His wife Elizabeth was worried about him and took him to Lionel , a specialist of stammering . But Lionel was not a medical doctor yet and didn 't have much experience . King George 6th was a difficult person and Lionel was a obstinate person , so at first it didn 't work well . But it was a last chance for both of them to get over their life . They tried very hard , and gradually his speaking became better . At that time England was involved a war . He had to declare it on the radio to the people of England . Finally he could make a very good speech without any trouble as a King . People could be proud of their King . At the end of the movie , the war began with his speech , so this is not a happy ending story . If you frequent our blog regularly , you may have seen that last year we had some students design a " World Flag " to coincide with the Football World Cup in Brazil . If you want to have a look at last year 's edition , look here . As it was received so positively last time , both the lesson plan and the blog post , I decided to to use the Rugby World Cup as a good excuse for round 2 . I was a little disappointed with the lack of rugby imagery though ! But you can 't argue with these results . Let us know which you think is the most suited to be a World Flag . This flag has horizontal stripes . The first stripe is deep green . It means North America . Second stripe is yellow green . it means South America . Third stripe is yellow . It means Africa . Forth stripe is orange . It means Europa . Fifth stripe is red , it means Asia . Sixth stripe is perple , it means Oceania . Seven stripe is blue , it means Antarctic . The seven color is rainbow color . Rainbow means symbol of peace . The flag means the earth . The background is blue . Blue is ocean . The big diamond is white . White is land . The small diamond is green . Green is forest . I think people must save the forests . So , green is center . This flag mean of world peace ! And the people sing a song together , make a big chorus that bind another country people . So , symbol of peace , doves flying . This flag has an image that looks like earth and people live on this planet . On the blue background , there is a father on the left and a mother on the right . Also in the middle , there is a child . We hope no one living on earth will lose their lives of loving people by any crimes or war . Everyone is important for someone . Molly Clarkson lived in the country near Cambridge . The Clarkson family had a big old house with a beautiful garden . She was fifty years old and was very rich . But She has some troubles to life . It was her fiftieth birthday . She was having a small party . only four people . Her daughter Jackie and Diana , her sun Roger . and her sister 's hasband Albert . So She ws killd by Jackie . Because Jackie loved Tom Briggs . But she hate him . She thought about Jackie , and she said ' No ' to marrige . But . . . I think Molly was very sad . She was difficult to understand for Jackie . Sergeant Faster aws detective . He was a very tall young man with black hair and a nice smile . He was not very happy this morning because he usually played tennis on Sunday morning . He was one of the best players at Cambridge Tennis Club . The day was Sunday , Molly was killd . Detective Inspector Walsh and he found to killer on Monday . Killer was Molly 's daughter . Next Sunday he wanted to nothing affair . I appreciated for you so much that you gave me the title . Everyone is very kind to me and respect me now . I have never imagined I can live such a great life when I was lived in the streets of London . When we met each other at first time , I was very happy to see you and also was surprised that we look same . I have never noticed about that but you let me recognized when we exchanged our cloths in front of the mirror . As I was hanker for you and your life , Waring beautiful clothes , eating delicious food , sleeping in bed . . All things were very exciting and it was like a dreaming . While I stay in the palace , I felt so happy but also felt a bit lonely . There was everything in the palace but a few friends who can talk each other openly . Now I am very happy to live my life as Sir Tom and you are to be my best friend . This is all by your favor . " Jane Eyre " by Charlotte Bronte Jane Eyre was an orphan . She was sent to a boarding school by her aunt . She is not so beautiful but she is a reliable person . She got a job as a private teacher for a child at a big residence . She grew up and became independent . The master , Mr . Rochester was not friendly at first . She received him at last but there was something warrying her . but they became close and understood each other . He asked her to marry him . She found that he had a wife and his wife was insane . She was shut up in the room . The strange sound was hers . Sometimes at midnight she heard a strange sound of laughter from a corner of the residence . Jane left him . Jane worked at school at a new place and she lived peacefully . She rejected his proposal and then she heard a voice to ask for help . A man , a good person proposed to her but she was at a loss to receive or not . She was not certain he loved her truly . She decided to return to Mr . Rochester . The residence was in ruin . The mad wife set fire to the residence and kill herself . He got back his hope and they married . Rochester was alive but he lost his arm and eyesight . Jane determined to live with him . Jackie was a tall , fat woman , and she was thirty years old . She lived in Molly 's house with Molly but she didn 't like Molly , Because she wanted to marry to Tom Briggs but Molly said no . So she killed Molly with sleeping tablets in hot milk . And she put the empty bottle in Diane 's bag . Diane was twenty years old , and she was a good singer but could never get work . She lived in London , in one room of big house , and she wanted to go to America . So she wanted money . She always got money from her father . But she never got money from him recently because he died . She didn 't like Molly because Molly killed him . PhilanthropistWrite about a person you know about , who is doing good things for other people . I think Tetsuko Kuroyanagi is one of famous philanthropist . She is well known as actress , voice actress , chairperson , and writer in Japan . The most famous her book is " Totto - chan : The Little Girl at the Window " that is based on her childhood experience . Besides these activities , she has been a goodwill ambassador of UNICEF since 1984 . She is the first person who is the position in Asia . James Grant who was the executive officer of UNICEF at the time read her book and he suggested her to be in the position . She visits the developing countries in South Africa and Asia every year . Her activities were reported on a massive scale and helped to accumulate a fund for many children and the mothers . She personally has run a fund drive and the total amount reached at more than 50 billion yen as of 2014 . All of them were sent to UNICEF and used for the children . In the meantime , she has researched Panda more than 70 years and worked as an honorary chairperson of Panda Protection Institute of Japan . She introduced Panda in TV and thanks to her effort , two pandas " Kankan " and " Ranran " were sent to Japan from China in 1972 . Unless you have been hiding under a rock over the last few days , you will be aware that the 2015 Rugby World Cup is in full swing , with World Cup history being made in the South Africa vs Japan game . A game that will be talked about for years to come , and deservedly so with such a magnificent performance from the Brave Blossoms ! There may be a few late nights with eyes glued to screens over the coming month for Damian and Jim . Rugby is still a growing sport here in Japan , and in an attempt to raise awareness of the sport ( especially as Japan will be hosting the next tournament in 2019 ! ) , we got some of our students involved in a workshop on the theme of " Countries and Flags " . Most of our students were unaware that the World Cup is going on , let alone the 20 countries involved . I hoped to change all that recruiting some help from a few keen students . I even wore my full rugby kit for the entire day in honour of the occasion ! With 20 national flags and home jerseys to colour and sort , it was quite the task for Kahina , Hinata and Hikari . Since there were 4 of us , me included , we assigned a knock - out group for each person to focus on and got to work ! We ran into a bit of trouble when Kahina chopped one of the kits in half , but thankfully , after having a closer look , it turned out to be the French one . The real challenge came however when we came to matching the kits to their national flags . Some of the colour schemes are not too dissimilar to each other and even Damian sensei got in a muddle at times . We got there eventually through some good guess work and trial and error . In hindsight writing the countries on the reverse may have been a good idea . . . How many more upsets will there be ? Who 's going to come out on top on the 31st of October ? What are your predictions for the Rugby World Cup ? my room , I can see the street to Academy . After I arrived in the town , I went to see the building of Academy . I am excited to start new college life here . experience for us even though it was narrow . We were too excited to sleep and talked a lot through the night . Our voice and laugh were sometimes loud and one Make yourselves at home and join the Luna family ! This is a safe place for you to post and to comment - only people invited by Jim / Luna can play here . It doesn 't matter what you want to say , please write about it here ! Some ideas for you . . . Had a good ( or bad ? ! ) business trip ? Read a decent book ? Given up on one ? Done something really fun lately ? Found a good website or a new hobby ? Got a hot tip you want to share about learning English ? Whatever you want to write about , this is where you start ! If you read something you like ( or hate ! ) , or want to ask a question , please leave your comment - just one click . email : luna . jp004 @ gmail . comtel / fax : 81 + ( 0 ) 263 - 34 - 4481Luna 's website : click hereNB June 2014 we moved to 1 - 7 - 2 Metoba . . . aim Google maps accordingly , or just look for " Little Luna " next to " Big Boy " ! Jim , Yukari , Damian , Tomoko , Matt & Chihiro : )
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English language school in the heart of the Japanese Alps , and English language learners sharing their experiences online . Teachers post regular items about teaching , learning tools , events in the school , their day to day experiences living & working in a foreign country . Students post on whatever takes their fancy - book reports , festivals in home towns , postcards from business trips etc . A little Brit of England in the guts of Japan ! With so many party - goers this year , we had to rotate people through four static activities . Marty had drawn a lovely Rudolph sadly missing his nose , which blindfolded rescuers tried to glue back in the right place . Ski gloves make that hard ! Damian was multiplying snowmen in the crafty corner . Naomi had again produced a couple of amazing winterscapes for everyone to colour in as a mozaic , and Jim had competitive Christmas colour & paste ladder races for all ages . Everyone was a winner ! Yuta : I ate fried chicken ( my mum cooked it ) at home , with my parents . I didn 't have Christmas pudding because I did not know what it is . I 'd like to try it this year . Jim : I don 't want socks . I want a gadget to turn my old analog stereo amplifier & speakers into bluetooth receivers . I hope my children do not get toy guns / swords / anything noisy ! When I read the above sentence , I recalled Mr . Hirotada Ototake . He is a writer and a commentator . He is a person born without legs and arms and uses an automatic wheelchair to move around . His most famous book is Gotai Fumanzoku ( No one 's Perfect - English title ) that was published in 1998 and his experiences as the physically challenged are positively described . In the book , he says that " Handicap is inconvenient , but not unhappy " . He considers that his handicap is one of his personalities . When I read the book , I was surprised and moved by his positive message and life style . After his graduation from Waseda University , he entered Meisei University to get elementary school teacher 's license and worked for a school . He also became an educational board member in Tokyo . He got married in 2001 and has three children . When the first child was born , he took paternity leave . In the meantime , he is a member of rock band " Cowperking " and vocalist . He entered a graduate school in April 2015 to study social issues . I expect he plays an important role in various fields regardless handicap . An after reading task from Anne of Green Gables She just made the world record . She became the first woman who flew across the Atlantic . This is really brilliant record and everyone must admit she is a brave woman . Last year , Charles Lindberg did the solo flight from the States to Paris in France . Just one year later , Amelia proved the woman could fly across the Atlantic as Lindberg did . Amelia joined the project as one of pilot . She flew together with Wilmer Stultz and Louis Gordon . The team left the States by the plane named Friendship and arrived at Burry Port of Wales . It was over 20 hours of flight . The weather was very bad . The plane had to go through the heavy storm and thick fog . They finally arrived in Wales though their original goal was Ireland . After she arrived in Wales , one of reporter asked how her flight was . She replied , it was the challenging flight but the brave pilot , Stultz did a great job and managed to have a safe flight across the Atlantic . She also said she would like to make a solo flight across the Atlantic in the near future . I lived in London for four years about 5 years ago . There I felt that London is a very generous city . It accepts the immigrants from other counties . The school I used to go to was called " Old Oak " . There were students from more than 30 different counties , including me from Japan . We looked different , we had different colored skins , we had a variety of religions , but we had no discrimination . There was respect between each other . When I started to go to the school I couldn 't speak English , but a lot of students took me to the play ground and taught me how to play football . I couldn 't understand what they are saying , but I was very happy with their politeness . My best friends were from Afghanistan , Sudan , London and Morocco . People living in my street were from America , China , Sudan , Ghana and Iraq . I ate lots of different kinds of food , learnt about a lot of different cultures and religions . I think it will be a difficult thing in Japan to welcome immigrants who can 't speak Japanese because the Japanese are shy , skeptical and conservative . In this way , I think Japan should imitate London 's multiculturalism . Japan would be a more interesting and exciting place . The elementary school that I went had an event to go for camping when I was fourth and fifth grade . I was excited to go for camping because didn 't have a chance with my family . We stayed lodge when we were fourth grade , but we actually built tent when we were fifth grade . Nowadays , tent might be light and easy to build . Back then , tent was thick heavy sheet , especially , the rental tent was nothing fancy green tent , but I was so excited to build it with my friends . The tent seemed that it 's not big when I saw it from outside . However , I was moved when I went into the tent . My group was four people , and it was big enough to chat and sleep for us . The fifth grade camping was held in June . The sad thing is that the day was cloudy . In the night , gentle rain started . Because of rain , I couldn 't hear much sound of frogs or birds . I only heard the sound of rain drop and river stream far away . I slept soon for that I worked hard that day to do activity , so it was not the problem anyway . The rain finished in the morning , and little bit foggy . It was magical atmosphere in the forest . While I write this essay , I remember the joyful camp . Someday , I hope to have a chance to go for camp ! I arrived in Charlottetown yesterday afternoon . The college dorm is very nice and clean . The college campus is very large and beautiful but the trees and field of grasses of Green Gables are more beautiful than anything . I 've been to the center of Charlottetown with my roommate today . There were a lot of stores for clothes , foods and everything ! I want to take you and Matthew to show all of them . I heard that we can go to see another seaside of Prince Edward Island from Charlottetown after taking a bus for 10 minutes . I want to go to the seaside and read books with my classmate . Of course I don 't forget to study hard in the collage . I will be a teacher in the future and live with you and Matthew happily . The plot was sophisticated . It starts with joy and a happy family life , but suddenly it collapses . Then the husband cooperates with the Navy and WHO to produce the vaccine to cure the zombie infection , since he used to be a member of WHO . In my opinion , the acting was first - rate and unbelievable stunts were included which you definitely can 't miss . My favourite part was where the Israeli Wall collapses by noise . It was hilarious to me and couldn 't stop laughing , and my least favourite was where the wife phones her husband . It was stupid , but as a film I think it needs something that is unexpected . Finally , World War Z is highly gripping and thrilling . It doesn 't really end with " End " , it makes us think and what will happen if the story became true . I can recommend it from teens to anyone . Eeek ! It 's Friday the 13th and there 's something horribly frighting I have to show you all ! My students have been busy making a monster scrapbook , terrifying enough to give even the most composed of souls the creeps ! We began with a body as a starting point , and used a trusty die to determine how many of each body part we would add to our crazy creations . 6 heads with 1 eye , 4 feet with 4 toes , you name it , we had it ! For the more advanced students , there was an additional twist where the activity was a dictation exercise , pairing an adjective ( short , big , thin etc ) with each body part . sent available resources to the search area in the vicinity of Howland Island . The official search efforts lasted until July 19 , 1937 . At $ 4 million , the air and sea search by the Navy and Coast Guard was the most costly and intensive in U . S . history . But search and rescue techniques during the era were introductory and some of the search was based on erroneous assumptions . Despite an unprecedented search by the United States Navy and Coast Guard no physical evidence of Earhart , Noonan or the Electra 10E was found . In in the United States , Putnam acted to become the trustee of Earhart 's estate so that he could pay for the searches and related bills . In a court in Los Angeles , Putnam requested to have the " declared death in absentia " seven - year waiting period waived so that he could manage Earhart 's finances . As a result , Earhart was declared legally dead on January 5 , 1939 . Posted by Yes , he did . I thought Wallis was a very attractive woman . So even she already married Edward loved her . I thought they were wonderful lovers . If they met in London of course Edward would be a King and Wallis would be a Queen . But before World War Second , she wasn 't a suitable person for him to marry . Wallis was from the USA . She divorced her husbands twice . Her husbands were alive . The British people wanted the Royal family to be an ideal family . So they couldn 't accept Wallis as a Queen . It was sad for them not to live in London . But they got a free lifestyle . I think no one gets everything . For Edward it is a wonderful life to live with the true lover . I hear there is an interesting thing . British people don 't like American lineage But Princess Diana 's grandmother is American . So now there is an American lineage in Royal family . The time is changing . The story was about King George 6th , a younger brother of Edward . ( We read a book of him " The love of a King " ) When King George 6th was a child , he was troubled with speaking ( stammering ) , so he was a shy boy . But his father was very strict . And his older brother Edward was a free man , he choose Love instead of to be a King . So , unexpectedly he became a King of England . He still had trouble of stammering , but as a King he had to make speeches many times . His wife Elizabeth was worried about him and took him to Lionel , a specialist of stammering . But Lionel was not a medical doctor yet and didn 't have much experience . King George 6th was a difficult person and Lionel was a obstinate person , so at first it didn 't work well . But it was a last chance for both of them to get over their life . They tried very hard , and gradually his speaking became better . At that time England was involved a war . He had to declare it on the radio to the people of England . Finally he could make a very good speech without any trouble as a King . People could be proud of their King . At the end of the movie , the war began with his speech , so this is not a happy ending story . If you frequent our blog regularly , you may have seen that last year we had some students design a " World Flag " to coincide with the Football World Cup in Brazil . If you want to have a look at last year 's edition , look here . As it was received so positively last time , both the lesson plan and the blog post , I decided to to use the Rugby World Cup as a good excuse for round 2 . I was a little disappointed with the lack of rugby imagery though ! But you can 't argue with these results . Let us know which you think is the most suited to be a World Flag . This flag has horizontal stripes . The first stripe is deep green . It means North America . Second stripe is yellow green . it means South America . Third stripe is yellow . It means Africa . Forth stripe is orange . It means Europa . Fifth stripe is red , it means Asia . Sixth stripe is perple , it means Oceania . Seven stripe is blue , it means Antarctic . The seven color is rainbow color . Rainbow means symbol of peace . The flag means the earth . The background is blue . Blue is ocean . The big diamond is white . White is land . The small diamond is green . Green is forest . I think people must save the forests . So , green is center . This flag mean of world peace ! And the people sing a song together , make a big chorus that bind another country people . So , symbol of peace , doves flying . This flag has an image that looks like earth and people live on this planet . On the blue background , there is a father on the left and a mother on the right . Also in the middle , there is a child . We hope no one living on earth will lose their lives of loving people by any crimes or war . Everyone is important for someone . Molly Clarkson lived in the country near Cambridge . The Clarkson family had a big old house with a beautiful garden . She was fifty years old and was very rich . But She has some troubles to life . It was her fiftieth birthday . She was having a small party . only four people . Her daughter Jackie and Diana , her sun Roger . and her sister 's hasband Albert . So She ws killd by Jackie . Because Jackie loved Tom Briggs . But she hate him . She thought about Jackie , and she said ' No ' to marrige . But . . . I think Molly was very sad . She was difficult to understand for Jackie . Sergeant Faster aws detective . He was a very tall young man with black hair and a nice smile . He was not very happy this morning because he usually played tennis on Sunday morning . He was one of the best players at Cambridge Tennis Club . The day was Sunday , Molly was killd . Detective Inspector Walsh and he found to killer on Monday . Killer was Molly 's daughter . Next Sunday he wanted to nothing affair . I appreciated for you so much that you gave me the title . Everyone is very kind to me and respect me now . I have never imagined I can live such a great life when I was lived in the streets of London . When we met each other at first time , I was very happy to see you and also was surprised that we look same . I have never noticed about that but you let me recognized when we exchanged our cloths in front of the mirror . As I was hanker for you and your life , Waring beautiful clothes , eating delicious food , sleeping in bed . . All things were very exciting and it was like a dreaming . While I stay in the palace , I felt so happy but also felt a bit lonely . There was everything in the palace but a few friends who can talk each other openly . Now I am very happy to live my life as Sir Tom and you are to be my best friend . This is all by your favor . " Jane Eyre " by Charlotte Bronte Jane Eyre was an orphan . She was sent to a boarding school by her aunt . She is not so beautiful but she is a reliable person . She got a job as a private teacher for a child at a big residence . She grew up and became independent . The master , Mr . Rochester was not friendly at first . She received him at last but there was something warrying her . but they became close and understood each other . He asked her to marry him . She found that he had a wife and his wife was insane . She was shut up in the room . The strange sound was hers . Sometimes at midnight she heard a strange sound of laughter from a corner of the residence . Jane left him . Jane worked at school at a new place and she lived peacefully . She rejected his proposal and then she heard a voice to ask for help . A man , a good person proposed to her but she was at a loss to receive or not . She was not certain he loved her truly . She decided to return to Mr . Rochester . The residence was in ruin . The mad wife set fire to the residence and kill herself . He got back his hope and they married . Rochester was alive but he lost his arm and eyesight . Jane determined to live with him . Jackie was a tall , fat woman , and she was thirty years old . She lived in Molly 's house with Molly but she didn 't like Molly , Because she wanted to marry to Tom Briggs but Molly said no . So she killed Molly with sleeping tablets in hot milk . And she put the empty bottle in Diane 's bag . Diane was twenty years old , and she was a good singer but could never get work . She lived in London , in one room of big house , and she wanted to go to America . So she wanted money . She always got money from her father . But she never got money from him recently because he died . She didn 't like Molly because Molly killed him . PhilanthropistWrite about a person you know about , who is doing good things for other people . I think Tetsuko Kuroyanagi is one of famous philanthropist . She is well known as actress , voice actress , chairperson , and writer in Japan . The most famous her book is " Totto - chan : The Little Girl at the Window " that is based on her childhood experience . Besides these activities , she has been a goodwill ambassador of UNICEF since 1984 . She is the first person who is the position in Asia . James Grant who was the executive officer of UNICEF at the time read her book and he suggested her to be in the position . She visits the developing countries in South Africa and Asia every year . Her activities were reported on a massive scale and helped to accumulate a fund for many children and the mothers . She personally has run a fund drive and the total amount reached at more than 50 billion yen as of 2014 . All of them were sent to UNICEF and used for the children . In the meantime , she has researched Panda more than 70 years and worked as an honorary chairperson of Panda Protection Institute of Japan . She introduced Panda in TV and thanks to her effort , two pandas " Kankan " and " Ranran " were sent to Japan from China in 1972 . Unless you have been hiding under a rock over the last few days , you will be aware that the 2015 Rugby World Cup is in full swing , with World Cup history being made in the South Africa vs Japan game . A game that will be talked about for years to come , and deservedly so with such a magnificent performance from the Brave Blossoms ! There may be a few late nights with eyes glued to screens over the coming month for Damian and Jim . Rugby is still a growing sport here in Japan , and in an attempt to raise awareness of the sport ( especially as Japan will be hosting the next tournament in 2019 ! ) , we got some of our students involved in a workshop on the theme of " Countries and Flags " . Most of our students were unaware that the World Cup is going on , let alone the 20 countries involved . I hoped to change all that recruiting some help from a few keen students . I even wore my full rugby kit for the entire day in honour of the occasion ! With 20 national flags and home jerseys to colour and sort , it was quite the task for Kahina , Hinata and Hikari . Since there were 4 of us , me included , we assigned a knock - out group for each person to focus on and got to work ! We ran into a bit of trouble when Kahina chopped one of the kits in half , but thankfully , after having a closer look , it turned out to be the French one . The real challenge came however when we came to matching the kits to their national flags . Some of the colour schemes are not too dissimilar to each other and even Damian sensei got in a muddle at times . We got there eventually through some good guess work and trial and error . In hindsight writing the countries on the reverse may have been a good idea . . . How many more upsets will there be ? Who 's going to come out on top on the 31st of October ? What are your predictions for the Rugby World Cup ? my room , I can see the street to Academy . After I arrived in the town , I went to see the building of Academy . I am excited to start new college life here . experience for us even though it was narrow . We were too excited to sleep and talked a lot through the night . Our voice and laugh were sometimes loud and one Make yourselves at home and join the Luna family ! This is a safe place for you to post and to comment - only people invited by Jim / Luna can play here . It doesn 't matter what you want to say , please write about it here ! Some ideas for you . . . Had a good ( or bad ? ! ) business trip ? Read a decent book ? Given up on one ? Done something really fun lately ? Found a good website or a new hobby ? Got a hot tip you want to share about learning English ? Whatever you want to write about , this is where you start ! If you read something you like ( or hate ! ) , or want to ask a question , please leave your comment - just one click . email : luna . jp004 @ gmail . comtel / fax : 81 + ( 0 ) 263 - 34 - 4481Luna 's website : click hereNB June 2014 we moved to 1 - 7 - 2 Metoba . . . aim Google maps accordingly , or just look for " Little Luna " next to " Big Boy " ! Jim , Yukari , Damian , Tomoko , Matt & Chihiro : )
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Earlier this week Rinda wrote an interesting post which was a variation on a meme that she found here . As I 'm home this week there is no excuse for not doing a blog post or two so thought I would join in with the idea . 1 . What 's the title of the last book you read ? I have just finished the last in a trilogy of books written by Jonathan Holt . They are fabulous ! It 's hard to recommend books to people because everyone has their own taste so whilst I feel like shouting from the rooftops that everyone should read these three books I do realise that they may not be everyone 's cup of tea . In order of reading , they are The Abomination - ( this may have a different title in some places ) The Abduction , and The Traitor . It 's rare that my husband and I both enjoy the same book but he is hooked on these too ! They are mysteries set in Venice and a lot of the activity is linked to US military bases there . There 's a bit of political background going on without it being heavy going . I 'm not spoiling anything by telling that the Carnivia part of the titles refers to a website which has been set up by one of the characters where you can enter the world of Carnivia , which is a realistic copy of Venice , but are completely anonymous . Needless to say , this gives people the opportunity to lead a double life , to lead a lifestyle or join groups which would be frowned upon or not be permitted in ' real life ' . We 're talking murders , Masonic groups , kidnapping , a bit of romance and a lot of intrigue . 2 . What is the last thing you cooked at home ? A friend of mine came for coffee yesterday and brought with her a large bag of windfall apples from the tree in her garden . I 've just peeled and chopped them all and part - cooked them ready to freeze for future apple crumbles . While they were stewing I made a batch of sultana scones . I 'm looking forward to having one with a coffee after I 've finished here ! 3 . What is your favorite thing about Fall ? The colours in the gardens and parks . The leaves are so beautiful . 4 . Share one thing that challenged you at some point over the last week . Good job I wasn 't doing this last week after the infamous excel melt down incident ! This week I 've been trying to get my head around quantities of fabric needed to complete the quilt I 'm making for my sister 's Christmas present . I 'm not following a pattern , and adapted a quilt square I 'd used before in a larger size and let 's just say that there have been a few ' oh no , I 'm not sure I 've got enough of that fabric ' moments ! However , with a bit of economical cutting , I 've got all 16 squares cut and sewn now and I feel like I 'm on the right track again . But there was a moment . . . Here 's the work in progress , one more row to add before borders , binding and backing commence ! 5 . List three hobbies that you actively pursue or want to pursue . Sewing . It 's my number one craft at the moment . Cooking . I just love cooking , trying out new recipes and planning dinners . Mandalas . I got into these when I was doing the Summer of Colour and then lost the impetus , but it 's something I definitely want to get back into doing . 6 . What is the most recent sporting event you watched ? The rugby . I drew Australia in the sweepstake at work is in the final so I feel like I have a vested interest even though poor old England were wiped out in the very early stages . 8 . Have you started Christmas shopping yet ? Yes . It 's early for me but I have a couple of presents that need to go overseas and I decided that I must be more organised this year rather than queuing at the post office on the last posting date . 10 . Do you remember your dreams ? Yes . Vividly . Colours , conversations - everything . Not every day , but when I do recall them they are crystal clear . 2 . What is the last thing you cooked at home ? 3 . What is your favorite thing about Fall ? 4 . Share one thing that challenged you at some point over the last week . 5 . List three hobbies that you actively pursue or want to pursue . 6 . What is the most recent sporting event you watched ? 7 . Besides watching " live TV , " what service do you use to watch TV or films ( netflix , on demand , etc . ) ? Well Hello Monday , come on in and let 's give a big old Monday wave to Sian and the rest of the Me on Monday - ers . What 's that ? I seem remarkably perky for a Monday , could it have anything to do with it being half term ? No work for me today ! Saturday found me test driving a new floor map ( what a glamorous life I lead ) and really cracking on with my quilt . Having done all the cutting and matching , the squares started to come together quickly and I 'm reaching the part that I love , when you can see what it 's going to look like A final job for the day was to make sure all our clocks were altered so that when we woke on Sunday they were correct for going back an hour . No chores for me on Sunday though . We were invited to our son 's for lunch . What a treat , someone else cooking Sunday lunch ! It was a really lovely day and great to have the family all together . Even Coco came , although she missed the photo shoot as she was on Squirrel Watch in another room . She loved the fact that she could stand up at the window sill and have a brilliant view of the garden and people walking by . So before I tell you what I 'm up to today , let me share a story which happened last week and made me feel every one of my 57 years . You see one of my jobs is to compile the school newsletter which I actually quite enjoy even though getting people to write articles is sometimes like getting blood out of that proverbial stone . Some of our Sixth Formers are participating in the Dragon 's Apprentice Challenge and had written me an article . They are given a set amount of money and have a year to generate as much money from that starter to finance any charity events they organise . So they wrote me an article . The first group are raising money for the YMCA . The second , YCT a counselling service for young people . The third - and I quote - is : Age Concern - a meeting place for the over 55 's . It provides elderly people with great venue to meet new people , enjoy good , hot food and participate in a variety of activities . Hang on a minute . Over 55 qualifies as Age Concern ? Over 55 = elderly ? Oh my goodness . How old did that make me feel ? No matter how carefully you highlight those silver strands in your hair , no matter how tastefully on trend you may try and dress , those pesky Sixth Formers apparently classify you as ' elderly ' ! There 's a thought to start the week on . So today marks the start of a week away from work and I have a caffeine filled day in store . A friend who is a teacher coming over for coffee this morning and this afternoon meeting up with a group of friends at Café Nero in town . And a lot of quilt sewing in between . In fact I can 't think of a better way of spending a Monday , not being at work , meeting friends and doing something crafty . A pretty good start to the week off . Hope your Monday holds good things too ! I did not want to go into work this morning . It wasn 't just the normal Monday morning blues . Those who know me on Facebook will have seen that I had an atrocious day on Friday and came home seriously considering leaving . Without boring you , let 's just say that a 26 column , 12 worksheet sized excel spreadsheet was involved , along with three mail merge letters . I came home from work so wound up , and as I came in the kitchen my husband casually said ' how was your day ? ' Which prompted me to start having a ' bit ' of a rant which turned into tears of frustration and there was an obvious moment when I could see from his face that he realised this wasn 't a normal reply that he could get away with not listening to properly , and that he needed to pay attention as clearly the words ' what do you think I should do ? ' were about to be said . If I was built with a ' rewind ' button , he would certainly have been skipping back a bit so he could see exactly where the conversation all started to go downhill ! Anyway I calmed down , moaned about it a lot , made a status update on Facebook and was so touched by the words of support I was sent online . My sister was so moved by people 's comments she rang me up to say what a lovely bunch of friends I have ! But I still wasn 't keen to return this morning , thank goodness I had a nice lunch with friends to look forward to when I finished my half day . Me on Monday - a flat iron steak in a baguette with caramelised onions , two good friends to help put the world to rights , lots of laughs and gossip . A perfect antidote to the horrendous Friday . The weekend went by in a flash . Saturday was spent baking and sewing , followed by an Indian take - away with a group of friends . Very good therapy for the technically stressed . Sunday was a ' having Grandma over for lunch ' day . My mother in law is a little very hard of hearing but is adamant she can hear a pin drop ( she must have some particularly heavy , noisy pins ) and refuses to wear her hearing aid . Anyone walking by the house must think we spent our afternoon shouting at her ! Sometimes she tries to second guess what we are going to say which leads to some rather interesting conversations where we are talking at total cross purposes . Oh the joys of being 88 . Our daughter went to a dog show at the Excel centre in London and came home with all manner of treats for Coco . Including a rather smart bow . It was supposed to be her Christmas outfit but she couldn 't wait to try it on for size . I 've always been interested in space travel - watching that moon landing on the TV when I was eleven obviously had a profound effect on me . I 've never been tempted to send my CV into NASA though , clearly the fact that I 'm too scared to step foot in a lift doesn 't bode well for being encased in a lunar capsule hurtling through space for months on end . Matt Damon has been turning up on a few chat shows recently , promoting his new film The Martian , and I thought it sounded like my kind of film . Can you imagine being left behind on a planet because the rest of your crew thought you were dead and the next scheduled landing was four years away ? I 'm not sure that I 'd cope awfully well with that . Also , no internet ? No phone ? So I suggested to my husband that we should go and see it . We hadn 't been to see a film for years , in fact neither of us could remember what it was , but last time we went it was touch and go as to whether we 'd get in ( must have been something very popular ) so to ensure no disappointment we pre - booked our tickets in advance to pick up at the cinema . To say we needn 't have bothered in an understatement . The foyer was empty apart from a girl behind a counter selling giant boxes of popcorn and litres of cola and as we walked down to screen three I said ' I wonder how many people will be in here ? ' As we pushed open the doors it was quite obvious that we were the only people there ! 10 minutes later the doors opened again and the audience doubled in size with the arrival of two boys . Talk about a private screening ! It made me think back to going to the cinema as a child . There was one cinema in town and there was only one screen - no choice of film . The internet hadn 't been invented then so you couldn 't pre - book , you had to factor queuing time into your schedule and normally the queue would be going round the block . If you were going with a group of friends it wasn 't unknown for 2 people to queue and then 8 others turn up to join them as you got closer to the door . This was not always popular with the people behind you ! After anxiously approaching the front of the queue , you 'd get your tickets and go up the stairs where an usherette would meet you and guide you with her torch to a vacant seat . There was usually a few adverts for the local Chinese take - away and the local cycle shop , then a short film before the lights went up briefly for the usherette to reappear with her tray of ice creams . Tiny tubs with little wooden spoons . Then the lights would dim , everyone would settle down into their seats and the main film would start . I don 't ever remember going to the cinema without nearly every seat being taken . At the end of the film they would play the National Anthem and as we got older standing up while it played was very un - cool , so it became a race to predict when the final credits would stop rolling and make sure you were already out the door before the music started . Hard to imagine that nowadays eh ? I wonder when they stopped doing that . Are you thinking of seeing The Martian ? Have you already seen it ? I 'm not sure I would have been as resourceful as Matt Damon , Posted by It felt good to have all the sewing equipment out again , although it naturally led to dinner being later than planned as time just flies when that sewing machine comes out ! My son offered to take his girlfriend 's brother to look round the University of the South Bank on Saturday as he 'll be applying to UCAS very soon . Now , we knew that our surname Keyworth is also a place in Nottingham , but we didn 't realise quite how famous we were in London too . Not only is there a Keyworth Centre at the University but in order to get there you have to travel down here . . . Mary Poppins may have had ' raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens ' but I also had a few of my favourite things going on Sunday morning . Rediscovering my old faithful Simply Red Albums ( yes I still remember ALL the words ) ; Singing along to ALL the songs at the top of my voice { remind me never to apply for Britain 's Got Talent } as I had the house to myself for a couple of hours ; turning the blackberries we picked last week into a blackberry and apply crumble for lunch and getting a few more of those quilt blocks made So where does that leave Me on Monday ? Well I 'm waving frantically to Sian , who organised this meme and also taking advantage of the sunshine and taking the dog and the husband for a walk around the fields in the town where I grew up . I mistakenly thought it might be muddy so was dressed in wellies which seriously hampered me in keeping up with them . Once that dog gets the smell of rabbits in her nostrils , nothing will hold her back ! Before escaping to the great outdoors I had already worked my half day today . Had a cheeky little smile to myself as I realised the importance of naming Excel spreadsheets appropriately . Remember those aptitude tests from last week ? Well they happened on Saturday so this morning was spent co - ordinating all the results . There were several parts to the sports tests : endurance , balance , speed , agility with large balls , accuracy with small balls etc . I decided to name the sheets according to the teacher who had been responsible for scoring them , followed by a short term for the section of the test . I was fine with ' Melanie - Balance ' , and ' Zoe - Endurance ' but when I got to ' Richard - Small Balls ' I had a little smirk and realised that this is how nicknames get started ! I 'll never look at him in the same way again ; - ) Thank goodness I can pull myself together to find the new edition of my Quilting magazine had been delivered , perfect timing for a sit down and a cup of tea . Hope your Monday is equally relaxing ! Posted by The dynamics of the home changed this weekend . Our son came back for the weekend . He took over the remote control , politics was discussed , football scores were under discussion and rugby was watched . The less we say about the last one there the better . . . Strictly Come Dancing was recorded to be enjoyed at a later time when conversation about the new leader of the Labour Party and the worth of the footballer who scored five goals in 20 minutes is over . It 's amazing how different things are by adding one 25 year old male back into the fold . I think my husband relishes these changes in conversation subjects and I love hearing them discussing things that I either know little about , or don 't enjoy discussing . I was happy to listen to their chat in the background while I made a big batch of chilli con carne and jacket potatoes , and wait for our daughter and her boyfriend to arrive to complete the family reunion Blackberries harvested and sloes picked ready to make the annual sloe gin . We hadn 't gone prepared with containers but ever the resourceful family , fortunately each of us found spare poo bags ( clean and unused ) in our pockets which were soon used to carry our goodies home . An unexpected benefit of being a dog owner . We must have made a strange sight on the way home though , each of us carrying a couple of full bags - the neighbours must think the dog has some odd and unpleasant digestive trouble ! It 's a busy week for me at work , so Me on Monday saw me at my desk drowning in a sea of letters and excel spreadsheets . Ours is a very popular school so people are desperate to get their daughters admitted . Each year we have an intake of 160 and we offer 10 % of places to those who gain the highest scores in musical and / or sport aptitude tests . That 's 16 places in total - 8 for music and 8 for sport . But I 've had 248 applicants to take the tests ! Some take one , some the other and some take both . Plus I have to find out if they 've applied to any of the other local schools who do the same tests so we can make sure they are only entered once . It 's a logistical nightmare but I think we 're almost there . . . Remember those blue skies and sunny days we had last week ? The bright but warm autumnal feel to the air ? Well it 's gone . We woke up to drizzle this morning , which turned to heavier rain and I 've nudged the temperature up on the heating thermostat . Lunch was a warming leek and potato soup and a hunk of bread , whilst reading a magazine . Now I 've warmed up a bit I 'm giving up a wave to Sian . Why not pop over to her blog and see what she is up to today ! One of my favourite blogs to read is Julie 's . Her sense of humour and style of writing always makes me smile and I love to see when her updated blog post shows up in my reading panel . Do you read her blog ? If not , then you are missing a treat , guaranteed to bring a smile to your face . She 's one of those bloggers that I think would be really fun to meet . Although she doesn 't like dogs so I don 't think there 's any point inviting her round any time soon ! She recently wrote a post here about books and suggested people join in with the theme so without further ado , I 'm going to jump right in . Even though I do only have two photos of me reading and both times I 'm not alone ! ( Look away now Julie , both involve my four legged friend ) Now , it may seem a little odd to sit in a dog 's bed and read a book and I promise you that isn 't my ' certain place ' . We have a new librarian at work and she had a idea for a competition where students had their photo taken of them reading in an unusual place . As always she also wanted staff to join in too . The winning entries included a girl in a wheelie bin and one half way up a climbing wall in the gym . Mine was very tame in comparison ! So in reality , my favourite reading place in the evening is in bed . No matter what time I go to bed I have to have a short while reading a chapter ( or two ) of my book . Daytime reading is best carried out in the conservatory , curled up in the armchair with the sun coming in through the windows . Another favourite place is laying on a sun lounger on a beach or by a pool . Accompanied by frequent offers of drinks and snacks of course . Everywhere . If ever I have an appointment at the doctors , opticians or whatever I cannot just sit and wait . I have to have something to read . And isn 't it always the way that your name is called just as you are getting to a good bit ? There 's always the dilemma of how much reading material to take on holiday . I usually take a couple of proper paper books and then download a few onto my Kindle . I couldn 't rely on just the Kindle because what would happen if the battery charger broke and I was half way through a book ? Can you imagine - thousands of miles from home and nothing to read ? Also , picture this . We 're sitting on the plane , having just taken off from Stansted to go to Lisbon . I get out my book , husband gets out his kindle . ' Oh dear ' he says and shows me the message that tells him that the battery life is almost zero and to plug into a power source immediately . ' I knew there was something else I was going to charge up before we came away . I don 't suppose you brought the charger lead with you did you ? ' No I didn 't , because I was taking a book , and they don 't need charging . Reading material for husband is now a tourist guide to the city and the in flight magazine advertising Pringles and cheese baguettes . Q : Do you watch TV or listen to music while reading ? I 'm not a great listener of music to be honest , apart from the daily commute to work when I am the karaoke queen of sing a long and there 's nothing very musical about that I can assure you ! Despite being a woman and therefore a ninja multi - tasker , I can 't watch TV and read at the same time , unless it 's dipping into a new recipe book which doesn 't involve total concentration . Q : Reading aloud or silently in your head ? Silently in my head . Although I have to confess that sometimes I do feel the need to share a particularly interesting or amusing passage . Whether anyone wants to hear it or not . Q : One book at a time or several at once ? One at a time . I get so engrossed in books that I can 't share the emotion around . Q : Can you just stop reading or do you have to stop after a chapter or number of pages ? There has to be a proper stopping point . " Just to the end of the next paragraph / chapter " is the answer to many a late night ' how much longer are you going to need that bedside light on for ? ' question . And if I 'm reading in the waiting room at the doctor 's surgery , it is very inconvenient if they call my name at an inopportune moment . Q : Bookmark or random piece of paper ? Bookmark for a book of fiction but my recipe books are full of random bits of paper . Which fall out and then I can 't find where they were so it 's not the best way of marking a page ! I did make a batch of origami book marks that Julie showed on her blog once but they seem to have been used up marking important recipes . I need to make more ! I can 't believe you would even ask that question . Never would I read ahead ! Skip pages ? I stopped doing that after I left school ! Actually when we were reading Nostromo by Joseph Conrad I skipped most of the book and just read the revision notes . And still I passed the exam so is there a moral to this story ? Q : Do you ever write in books ? In a reading related post I think it 's appropriate to share how much I 've learned by the experience of my friend who has recently left work to become a full time author . She 's just finished her 3rd book and is researching plots for her 4th . You wouldn 't believe what goes on behind the scenes between the author finishing the last sentence and the publisher going to press . It 's absolutely fascinating to hear about the process from the other side of the book cover . I also get a ridiculous amount of pleasure from seeing her work in a book shop , I can 't begin to imagine how happy it makes her ! In fact , once when delayed at Gatwick she saw her book on sale in WHSmith and spoke to the manager of the outlet who then proceeded to arrange an impromptu book signing . How brilliant is that ? ! So those are my answers . Are you a book reader ? Why not join in and show us Living in Hertfordshire , UK . Married with two grown up children and an adopted cavapoo . Working part time as school secretary which gives me lots of long school holidays ! I originally started this blog when I began scrapbooking but I have recently rediscovered my love of sewing and am currently obsessed with patchwork quilt making . Thank you for visiting my blog ! Since starting this back in 2008 I 've discovered what a lovely group of people bloggers are and have made and met many new friends . Here 's to many more years of blogging !
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Earlier this week Rinda wrote an interesting post which was a variation on a meme that she found here . As I 'm home this week there is no excuse for not doing a blog post or two so thought I would join in with the idea . 1 . What 's the title of the last book you read ? I have just finished the last in a trilogy of books written by Jonathan Holt . They are fabulous ! It 's hard to recommend books to people because everyone has their own taste so whilst I feel like shouting from the rooftops that everyone should read these three books I do realise that they may not be everyone 's cup of tea . In order of reading , they are The Abomination - ( this may have a different title in some places ) The Abduction , and The Traitor . It 's rare that my husband and I both enjoy the same book but he is hooked on these too ! They are mysteries set in Venice and a lot of the activity is linked to US military bases there . There 's a bit of political background going on without it being heavy going . I 'm not spoiling anything by telling that the Carnivia part of the titles refers to a website which has been set up by one of the characters where you can enter the world of Carnivia , which is a realistic copy of Venice , but are completely anonymous . Needless to say , this gives people the opportunity to lead a double life , to lead a lifestyle or join groups which would be frowned upon or not be permitted in ' real life ' . We 're talking murders , Masonic groups , kidnapping , a bit of romance and a lot of intrigue . 2 . What is the last thing you cooked at home ? A friend of mine came for coffee yesterday and brought with her a large bag of windfall apples from the tree in her garden . I 've just peeled and chopped them all and part - cooked them ready to freeze for future apple crumbles . While they were stewing I made a batch of sultana scones . I 'm looking forward to having one with a coffee after I 've finished here ! 3 . What is your favorite thing about Fall ? The colours in the gardens and parks . The leaves are so beautiful . 4 . Share one thing that challenged you at some point over the last week . Good job I wasn 't doing this last week after the infamous excel melt down incident ! This week I 've been trying to get my head around quantities of fabric needed to complete the quilt I 'm making for my sister 's Christmas present . I 'm not following a pattern , and adapted a quilt square I 'd used before in a larger size and let 's just say that there have been a few ' oh no , I 'm not sure I 've got enough of that fabric ' moments ! However , with a bit of economical cutting , I 've got all 16 squares cut and sewn now and I feel like I 'm on the right track again . But there was a moment . . . Here 's the work in progress , one more row to add before borders , binding and backing commence ! 5 . List three hobbies that you actively pursue or want to pursue . Sewing . It 's my number one craft at the moment . Cooking . I just love cooking , trying out new recipes and planning dinners . Mandalas . I got into these when I was doing the Summer of Colour and then lost the impetus , but it 's something I definitely want to get back into doing . 6 . What is the most recent sporting event you watched ? The rugby . I drew Australia in the sweepstake at work is in the final so I feel like I have a vested interest even though poor old England were wiped out in the very early stages . 8 . Have you started Christmas shopping yet ? Yes . It 's early for me but I have a couple of presents that need to go overseas and I decided that I must be more organised this year rather than queuing at the post office on the last posting date . 10 . Do you remember your dreams ? Yes . Vividly . Colours , conversations - everything . Not every day , but when I do recall them they are crystal clear . 2 . What is the last thing you cooked at home ? 3 . What is your favorite thing about Fall ? 4 . Share one thing that challenged you at some point over the last week . 5 . List three hobbies that you actively pursue or want to pursue . 6 . What is the most recent sporting event you watched ? 7 . Besides watching " live TV , " what service do you use to watch TV or films ( netflix , on demand , etc . ) ? Well Hello Monday , come on in and let 's give a big old Monday wave to Sian and the rest of the Me on Monday - ers . What 's that ? I seem remarkably perky for a Monday , could it have anything to do with it being half term ? No work for me today ! Saturday found me test driving a new floor map ( what a glamorous life I lead ) and really cracking on with my quilt . Having done all the cutting and matching , the squares started to come together quickly and I 'm reaching the part that I love , when you can see what it 's going to look like A final job for the day was to make sure all our clocks were altered so that when we woke on Sunday they were correct for going back an hour . No chores for me on Sunday though . We were invited to our son 's for lunch . What a treat , someone else cooking Sunday lunch ! It was a really lovely day and great to have the family all together . Even Coco came , although she missed the photo shoot as she was on Squirrel Watch in another room . She loved the fact that she could stand up at the window sill and have a brilliant view of the garden and people walking by . So before I tell you what I 'm up to today , let me share a story which happened last week and made me feel every one of my 57 years . You see one of my jobs is to compile the school newsletter which I actually quite enjoy even though getting people to write articles is sometimes like getting blood out of that proverbial stone . Some of our Sixth Formers are participating in the Dragon 's Apprentice Challenge and had written me an article . They are given a set amount of money and have a year to generate as much money from that starter to finance any charity events they organise . So they wrote me an article . The first group are raising money for the YMCA . The second , YCT a counselling service for young people . The third - and I quote - is : Age Concern - a meeting place for the over 55 's . It provides elderly people with great venue to meet new people , enjoy good , hot food and participate in a variety of activities . Hang on a minute . Over 55 qualifies as Age Concern ? Over 55 = elderly ? Oh my goodness . How old did that make me feel ? No matter how carefully you highlight those silver strands in your hair , no matter how tastefully on trend you may try and dress , those pesky Sixth Formers apparently classify you as ' elderly ' ! There 's a thought to start the week on . So today marks the start of a week away from work and I have a caffeine filled day in store . A friend who is a teacher coming over for coffee this morning and this afternoon meeting up with a group of friends at Café Nero in town . And a lot of quilt sewing in between . In fact I can 't think of a better way of spending a Monday , not being at work , meeting friends and doing something crafty . A pretty good start to the week off . Hope your Monday holds good things too ! I did not want to go into work this morning . It wasn 't just the normal Monday morning blues . Those who know me on Facebook will have seen that I had an atrocious day on Friday and came home seriously considering leaving . Without boring you , let 's just say that a 26 column , 12 worksheet sized excel spreadsheet was involved , along with three mail merge letters . I came home from work so wound up , and as I came in the kitchen my husband casually said ' how was your day ? ' Which prompted me to start having a ' bit ' of a rant which turned into tears of frustration and there was an obvious moment when I could see from his face that he realised this wasn 't a normal reply that he could get away with not listening to properly , and that he needed to pay attention as clearly the words ' what do you think I should do ? ' were about to be said . If I was built with a ' rewind ' button , he would certainly have been skipping back a bit so he could see exactly where the conversation all started to go downhill ! Anyway I calmed down , moaned about it a lot , made a status update on Facebook and was so touched by the words of support I was sent online . My sister was so moved by people 's comments she rang me up to say what a lovely bunch of friends I have ! But I still wasn 't keen to return this morning , thank goodness I had a nice lunch with friends to look forward to when I finished my half day . Me on Monday - a flat iron steak in a baguette with caramelised onions , two good friends to help put the world to rights , lots of laughs and gossip . A perfect antidote to the horrendous Friday . The weekend went by in a flash . Saturday was spent baking and sewing , followed by an Indian take - away with a group of friends . Very good therapy for the technically stressed . Sunday was a ' having Grandma over for lunch ' day . My mother in law is a little very hard of hearing but is adamant she can hear a pin drop ( she must have some particularly heavy , noisy pins ) and refuses to wear her hearing aid . Anyone walking by the house must think we spent our afternoon shouting at her ! Sometimes she tries to second guess what we are going to say which leads to some rather interesting conversations where we are talking at total cross purposes . Oh the joys of being 88 . Our daughter went to a dog show at the Excel centre in London and came home with all manner of treats for Coco . Including a rather smart bow . It was supposed to be her Christmas outfit but she couldn 't wait to try it on for size . I 've always been interested in space travel - watching that moon landing on the TV when I was eleven obviously had a profound effect on me . I 've never been tempted to send my CV into NASA though , clearly the fact that I 'm too scared to step foot in a lift doesn 't bode well for being encased in a lunar capsule hurtling through space for months on end . Matt Damon has been turning up on a few chat shows recently , promoting his new film The Martian , and I thought it sounded like my kind of film . Can you imagine being left behind on a planet because the rest of your crew thought you were dead and the next scheduled landing was four years away ? I 'm not sure that I 'd cope awfully well with that . Also , no internet ? No phone ? So I suggested to my husband that we should go and see it . We hadn 't been to see a film for years , in fact neither of us could remember what it was , but last time we went it was touch and go as to whether we 'd get in ( must have been something very popular ) so to ensure no disappointment we pre - booked our tickets in advance to pick up at the cinema . To say we needn 't have bothered in an understatement . The foyer was empty apart from a girl behind a counter selling giant boxes of popcorn and litres of cola and as we walked down to screen three I said ' I wonder how many people will be in here ? ' As we pushed open the doors it was quite obvious that we were the only people there ! 10 minutes later the doors opened again and the audience doubled in size with the arrival of two boys . Talk about a private screening ! It made me think back to going to the cinema as a child . There was one cinema in town and there was only one screen - no choice of film . The internet hadn 't been invented then so you couldn 't pre - book , you had to factor queuing time into your schedule and normally the queue would be going round the block . If you were going with a group of friends it wasn 't unknown for 2 people to queue and then 8 others turn up to join them as you got closer to the door . This was not always popular with the people behind you ! After anxiously approaching the front of the queue , you 'd get your tickets and go up the stairs where an usherette would meet you and guide you with her torch to a vacant seat . There was usually a few adverts for the local Chinese take - away and the local cycle shop , then a short film before the lights went up briefly for the usherette to reappear with her tray of ice creams . Tiny tubs with little wooden spoons . Then the lights would dim , everyone would settle down into their seats and the main film would start . I don 't ever remember going to the cinema without nearly every seat being taken . At the end of the film they would play the National Anthem and as we got older standing up while it played was very un - cool , so it became a race to predict when the final credits would stop rolling and make sure you were already out the door before the music started . Hard to imagine that nowadays eh ? I wonder when they stopped doing that . Are you thinking of seeing The Martian ? Have you already seen it ? I 'm not sure I would have been as resourceful as Matt Damon , Posted by It felt good to have all the sewing equipment out again , although it naturally led to dinner being later than planned as time just flies when that sewing machine comes out ! My son offered to take his girlfriend 's brother to look round the University of the South Bank on Saturday as he 'll be applying to UCAS very soon . Now , we knew that our surname Keyworth is also a place in Nottingham , but we didn 't realise quite how famous we were in London too . Not only is there a Keyworth Centre at the University but in order to get there you have to travel down here . . . Mary Poppins may have had ' raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens ' but I also had a few of my favourite things going on Sunday morning . Rediscovering my old faithful Simply Red Albums ( yes I still remember ALL the words ) ; Singing along to ALL the songs at the top of my voice { remind me never to apply for Britain 's Got Talent } as I had the house to myself for a couple of hours ; turning the blackberries we picked last week into a blackberry and apply crumble for lunch and getting a few more of those quilt blocks made So where does that leave Me on Monday ? Well I 'm waving frantically to Sian , who organised this meme and also taking advantage of the sunshine and taking the dog and the husband for a walk around the fields in the town where I grew up . I mistakenly thought it might be muddy so was dressed in wellies which seriously hampered me in keeping up with them . Once that dog gets the smell of rabbits in her nostrils , nothing will hold her back ! Before escaping to the great outdoors I had already worked my half day today . Had a cheeky little smile to myself as I realised the importance of naming Excel spreadsheets appropriately . Remember those aptitude tests from last week ? Well they happened on Saturday so this morning was spent co - ordinating all the results . There were several parts to the sports tests : endurance , balance , speed , agility with large balls , accuracy with small balls etc . I decided to name the sheets according to the teacher who had been responsible for scoring them , followed by a short term for the section of the test . I was fine with ' Melanie - Balance ' , and ' Zoe - Endurance ' but when I got to ' Richard - Small Balls ' I had a little smirk and realised that this is how nicknames get started ! I 'll never look at him in the same way again ; - ) Thank goodness I can pull myself together to find the new edition of my Quilting magazine had been delivered , perfect timing for a sit down and a cup of tea . Hope your Monday is equally relaxing ! Posted by The dynamics of the home changed this weekend . Our son came back for the weekend . He took over the remote control , politics was discussed , football scores were under discussion and rugby was watched . The less we say about the last one there the better . . . Strictly Come Dancing was recorded to be enjoyed at a later time when conversation about the new leader of the Labour Party and the worth of the footballer who scored five goals in 20 minutes is over . It 's amazing how different things are by adding one 25 year old male back into the fold . I think my husband relishes these changes in conversation subjects and I love hearing them discussing things that I either know little about , or don 't enjoy discussing . I was happy to listen to their chat in the background while I made a big batch of chilli con carne and jacket potatoes , and wait for our daughter and her boyfriend to arrive to complete the family reunion Blackberries harvested and sloes picked ready to make the annual sloe gin . We hadn 't gone prepared with containers but ever the resourceful family , fortunately each of us found spare poo bags ( clean and unused ) in our pockets which were soon used to carry our goodies home . An unexpected benefit of being a dog owner . We must have made a strange sight on the way home though , each of us carrying a couple of full bags - the neighbours must think the dog has some odd and unpleasant digestive trouble ! It 's a busy week for me at work , so Me on Monday saw me at my desk drowning in a sea of letters and excel spreadsheets . Ours is a very popular school so people are desperate to get their daughters admitted . Each year we have an intake of 160 and we offer 10 % of places to those who gain the highest scores in musical and / or sport aptitude tests . That 's 16 places in total - 8 for music and 8 for sport . But I 've had 248 applicants to take the tests ! Some take one , some the other and some take both . Plus I have to find out if they 've applied to any of the other local schools who do the same tests so we can make sure they are only entered once . It 's a logistical nightmare but I think we 're almost there . . . Remember those blue skies and sunny days we had last week ? The bright but warm autumnal feel to the air ? Well it 's gone . We woke up to drizzle this morning , which turned to heavier rain and I 've nudged the temperature up on the heating thermostat . Lunch was a warming leek and potato soup and a hunk of bread , whilst reading a magazine . Now I 've warmed up a bit I 'm giving up a wave to Sian . Why not pop over to her blog and see what she is up to today ! One of my favourite blogs to read is Julie 's . Her sense of humour and style of writing always makes me smile and I love to see when her updated blog post shows up in my reading panel . Do you read her blog ? If not , then you are missing a treat , guaranteed to bring a smile to your face . She 's one of those bloggers that I think would be really fun to meet . Although she doesn 't like dogs so I don 't think there 's any point inviting her round any time soon ! She recently wrote a post here about books and suggested people join in with the theme so without further ado , I 'm going to jump right in . Even though I do only have two photos of me reading and both times I 'm not alone ! ( Look away now Julie , both involve my four legged friend ) Now , it may seem a little odd to sit in a dog 's bed and read a book and I promise you that isn 't my ' certain place ' . We have a new librarian at work and she had a idea for a competition where students had their photo taken of them reading in an unusual place . As always she also wanted staff to join in too . The winning entries included a girl in a wheelie bin and one half way up a climbing wall in the gym . Mine was very tame in comparison ! So in reality , my favourite reading place in the evening is in bed . No matter what time I go to bed I have to have a short while reading a chapter ( or two ) of my book . Daytime reading is best carried out in the conservatory , curled up in the armchair with the sun coming in through the windows . Another favourite place is laying on a sun lounger on a beach or by a pool . Accompanied by frequent offers of drinks and snacks of course . Everywhere . If ever I have an appointment at the doctors , opticians or whatever I cannot just sit and wait . I have to have something to read . And isn 't it always the way that your name is called just as you are getting to a good bit ? There 's always the dilemma of how much reading material to take on holiday . I usually take a couple of proper paper books and then download a few onto my Kindle . I couldn 't rely on just the Kindle because what would happen if the battery charger broke and I was half way through a book ? Can you imagine - thousands of miles from home and nothing to read ? Also , picture this . We 're sitting on the plane , having just taken off from Stansted to go to Lisbon . I get out my book , husband gets out his kindle . ' Oh dear ' he says and shows me the message that tells him that the battery life is almost zero and to plug into a power source immediately . ' I knew there was something else I was going to charge up before we came away . I don 't suppose you brought the charger lead with you did you ? ' No I didn 't , because I was taking a book , and they don 't need charging . Reading material for husband is now a tourist guide to the city and the in flight magazine advertising Pringles and cheese baguettes . Q : Do you watch TV or listen to music while reading ? I 'm not a great listener of music to be honest , apart from the daily commute to work when I am the karaoke queen of sing a long and there 's nothing very musical about that I can assure you ! Despite being a woman and therefore a ninja multi - tasker , I can 't watch TV and read at the same time , unless it 's dipping into a new recipe book which doesn 't involve total concentration . Q : Reading aloud or silently in your head ? Silently in my head . Although I have to confess that sometimes I do feel the need to share a particularly interesting or amusing passage . Whether anyone wants to hear it or not . Q : One book at a time or several at once ? One at a time . I get so engrossed in books that I can 't share the emotion around . Q : Can you just stop reading or do you have to stop after a chapter or number of pages ? There has to be a proper stopping point . " Just to the end of the next paragraph / chapter " is the answer to many a late night ' how much longer are you going to need that bedside light on for ? ' question . And if I 'm reading in the waiting room at the doctor 's surgery , it is very inconvenient if they call my name at an inopportune moment . Q : Bookmark or random piece of paper ? Bookmark for a book of fiction but my recipe books are full of random bits of paper . Which fall out and then I can 't find where they were so it 's not the best way of marking a page ! I did make a batch of origami book marks that Julie showed on her blog once but they seem to have been used up marking important recipes . I need to make more ! I can 't believe you would even ask that question . Never would I read ahead ! Skip pages ? I stopped doing that after I left school ! Actually when we were reading Nostromo by Joseph Conrad I skipped most of the book and just read the revision notes . And still I passed the exam so is there a moral to this story ? Q : Do you ever write in books ? In a reading related post I think it 's appropriate to share how much I 've learned by the experience of my friend who has recently left work to become a full time author . She 's just finished her 3rd book and is researching plots for her 4th . You wouldn 't believe what goes on behind the scenes between the author finishing the last sentence and the publisher going to press . It 's absolutely fascinating to hear about the process from the other side of the book cover . I also get a ridiculous amount of pleasure from seeing her work in a book shop , I can 't begin to imagine how happy it makes her ! In fact , once when delayed at Gatwick she saw her book on sale in WHSmith and spoke to the manager of the outlet who then proceeded to arrange an impromptu book signing . How brilliant is that ? ! So those are my answers . Are you a book reader ? Why not join in and show us Living in Hertfordshire , UK . Married with two grown up children and an adopted cavapoo . Working part time as school secretary which gives me lots of long school holidays ! I originally started this blog when I began scrapbooking but I have recently rediscovered my love of sewing and am currently obsessed with patchwork quilt making . Thank you for visiting my blog ! Since starting this back in 2008 I 've discovered what a lovely group of people bloggers are and have made and met many new friends . Here 's to many more years of blogging !
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You hear it . The sounds of violins and other instruments playing a melodious tune that you recognize instantly . The Harry Potter song , or , it 's formal title , " Hedwig 's Theme . " Everyone knows this piece of music . Even those who aren 't fans of the movies . Yet , they know it , because it is the Harry Potter movies ' musical identity . It plays all around the world . I even heard Harry Potter music that was on the radio in a shop in Santorini . The Harry Potter movies are great , but without the music , like any other movie or TV show , it would be far less interesting . Music evokes emotion ; it makes you cry , smile , rock out . A world isn 't complete until music is added to it . The brilliant John Williams , composer and conductor , scored the first three Harry Potter movies . I absolutely love John Williams . John Williams is the MAN ! ( Reference to youtube video , which I will provide : http : / / www . youtube . com / watch ? v = PGYAPr6UKhs ) I was actually able to see him conduct the Boston Symphony Orchestra last summer in Boston ( duh . . ) , and it was absolutely amazing . Although they didn 't perform any Harry Potter songs , they performed songs from ET , Star Wars , Indiana Jones , and various America - themed songs . I went with my friend Acacia , who 's also a big Harry Potter fan , and we were geeking out . We also found it funny that we were surrounded by rich people cloaked in Burberry jackets and drinking $ 15 dollar drinks ( a small glass of watter was $ 3 ! ! ! ) . That 's what we got for getting table seats , but for $ 100 , it was totally worth it . The other movies were composed by Patrick Doyle ( Goblet of Fire ) , Nicholas Hooper ( Order of the Phoenix , Half - Blood Prince ) , and Alexandre Desplat ( Deathly Hallows : Part 1 and 2 ) . Each have different styles and takes on the movies and the way they describe them through their scores , making them unique . Yet , all fully embrace and define Harry Potter correctly . Here are samples from each composer : I have almost every soundtrack ( only missing 2 , 3 , and 5 ) , and the songs take up at least 1GB on my iPod . When I listen to the songs , I get pretty into it . This probably doesn 't shock you , especially if you have read all of the Harry Potter and Me posts . You should know by now how obsessed I am . Nevertheless , the music puts you in the moment . If you listen to the music , you can picture the scene it was in in your mind . You remember how you felt in that scene . Like I said before , each piece of music evokes emotion . The actors portray their character 's emotion , but the music brings it even further to life . It carries the scene , and moves it along . The music makes the movie . MIRANDA | She 's a feisty , disarming and unconventionally attractive 17 - year - old . As a fiercely independent foster kid , she has tons of confidence , but it was hard - won . She uses her wits to cover her emotional scars . If you can break through the tough exterior , you 've got a fearless , loyal friend for life . April 2 , 2013 · 2 : 24 pm Harry Potter and Me : Part 3 Before I start writing this post , I want to take a moment to remember the great Richard Griffiths , who unfortunately passed away earlier this weekend due to complications after a heart surgery . Many of us know him as the malicious Uncle Vernon , who taunted Harry since the day he arrived on the Dursley 's doorstep . However , there are many more movies under his belt that should not go unnoticed . Ballet Shoes ( also starring Emma Watson ) , Hugo ( also starring Chloe Grace - Moretz ) , Bedtime Stories ( also starring Adam Sandler ) , Sleepy Hollow ( also starring Johnny Depp ) , Ghandi , and much , much more , both on TV and on stage . His talent is remarkable , and his work will be remembered forever . We 'll all miss you . . It was July 20 , 2007 . The sun was shining , the sky was a perfect blue with no cloud in sight . Birds were flying in the air , chirping their songs to one another . People were spending time at the beach , taking advantage of a wonderful day . But these beach - goers did not know what was to come . In less than a day , the Earth was going to shake , rain was going to pour down , and thunder rumble and growl . Change was coming , and many did not realize how big of a change it was going to be . There was one community of people , however , that knew of this change . They knew everything that was going to happen , to the very last detail . This wasn 't a small community . The meaning of community for these people was vast . They were all connected , people young and old , male or female . There was , and still is , millions of people in this community from all over the world . This community is infamous . They are …… the Potterphiles . One particular Potterphile , Isabel , was enjoying the summer day in weather tempermental Rhode Island . She was especially enjoying it because soon , she would be going to the local Borders Bookstore for the midnight book release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows . She had convinced her mother to bring her because it was the last Harry Potter book , and she didn 't want to miss this amazing experience . Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows was being released July 21 , 2007 at 12 : 00am . And as soon as the clocks around the world struck that time , the change discussed previously would occur . The Earth was going to shake , rain was going to pour down , and thunder rumble and growl . Isabel and her mother arrived at the shopping complex where Border 's was when the sun was still high in the sky . Sunset wouldn 't occur for for another two hours . Isabel walked into the store , donning spectacles and a Gryffindor crest on the front of her shirt . She walked up to the check - in table where she received a blue sticker . There were different colored stickers in which the hosts of the book release would call to get in line to get their pre - ordered book . Isabel 's color wasn 't the first or the last . It was right in the middle . For most of the night , she sat in the cafe with her mom . She even read an entire book while waiting that she had grabbed from one of the many bookshelves . Her mother , on the other hand , was nearly falling asleep on the cafe wall . Then the clock struck 12 , and the Earth shook , the rain poured down , and thunder rumbled and growled . The mass of people in the bookstore , one by one , received their copy of the final Harry Potter book , beginning to read it as soon as it was put in their hands . Isabel did , when she received hers at 2 : 00am in the morning . She was halfway through the first chapter when she paid for it . In the car , she read some more . At home , she read . Her mom then made her go to sleep . Although Isabel didn 't sleep much . She woke up four hours later , around 7 : 30am , and immediately picked up the book , which she had placed beside her bed , and read . She was laying on her stomach , cozy under her sheets , and without a single yawn or distraction , read . She ignored her mother 's calls for breakfast . She read , and read , and read , and read . She shook , rain poured down on her face , and thunder rumbled and growled within her . And then , five hours later , she was done . She closed the book , looked at the front cover , where Harry defiantly stood , with his wand in the air , displaying courage , bravery , and love … . March 29 , 2013 · 10 : 27 am Help my friend out … ( : My friend Georgia is in Peru right now , helping out the many kids who need help . This is very important to her , and I urge you to donate some money to help these kids live the lives they deserve . Donate , share the link to your friends , families , and colleagues , and sit back and smile . You have done good in the world . Things like this may go unnoticed , but even the things that are unnoticed can stand out when it is bettering the world we live in . When Isabel saw Harry Potter and the Sorcerer 's Stone in theaters with her parents , she was in awe . The movie had brought her favorite characters to life . There they were , right in front of her . All she wanted to do was to jump into the screen and transform into a Hogwarts student . She wanted to walk the grounds of Hogwarts and have conversations with her fellow witches and wizards . She wanted to go to the classes and learn all sorts of things about magic and the magical world . She wanted to play quidditch , and feel the thrill of flying through the air on a broomstick . She wanted to eat the wondrous feasts that were prepared for the students in the Great Hall . Seeing the beginning of Harry 's journey come alive was paradise for Isabel . She gasped when Voldemort was revealed . She had thought about what he would look like , and he was as scary as she imagined . Isabel saw Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets with her grandmother at the cinemas in the Providence Mall . The big screen , which was larger than average , made the visual experience even more grand . However , she was dissapointed , just like she was when reading the book , that Hermione wasn 't in this one as much . Hermione was Isabel 's favorite character . She related to her and her nerdiness . The actress who played Hermione Granger , Emma Watson , became Isabel 's favorite actress . To this day , Isabel continues to look up to her as a role model . The third movie , Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban was a true adventure . Isabel went with her best friend Megan and her parents opening day ( which happened to be a Friday ) , and had the most glorious time . The movie hyped her up , excitement running through her veins . For hours on end after the movie finished , Isabel and her friend reenacted the scene where Hermione punched Draco . That ended up being Isabel 's favorite scene from the movie . If you ever meet Isabel , she will gladly reenact it for you , complete with British accents . " You foul , loathsome , evil little cockroach ! " " Hermione , he 's not worth it . " PULLS BACK HER WAND - PUNK ' D ! - BLAM YOU JUST GOT PUNCHED ! " That felt good . " " Good ? ? Brilliant ! " When Isabel went to see Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire , it was a special circumstance . When the movie came out , she was in sixth grade . As a field trip , the whole entire sixth grade went to go see the movie . One of the greatest cinematic reveals occured in this movie … the ressurection of Lord Voldemort . Harry Potter had gone to a whole new level . Now , it is known that tween Isabel already knew everything that was going to happen in the movie - her mom always told her , " You have to read the book before you see the movie ! " Isabel was ahead of the game when it came to Harry Potter . But even so , when Isabel saw the movie , she knew that it was her favorite of all the movies so far . It was a warm summer night in July when Isabel went to see Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix at midnight It was her first time ever seeing a Harry Potter movie at midnight , and Isabel was extremely excited . She attended the event with her friend Megan and her parents , arriving at the movie theaters at six o ' clock . They were third in line . What made this experience even more exhilerating was that in two weeks time , the final Harry Potter book was going to be released . As she was waiting in line , playing Harry Potter Uno ( naturally ) , a news reporter came up to the line of people . She was here interviewing attendees what they thought was going to happen in the last book . Isabel was one of the interviewed attendees . She was asked the question above , and she answered with this : " I think Harry is going to die . He is a horcrux , because Voldemort accidentally made him into one and Dumbledore 's been hinting on it in the other books . So the only way to kill Voldemort is if Harry , Ron , and Hermione destroy all the horcruxes . I think either Ron or Hermione is going to have to kill Harry . I know it 's sad to say it , but that 's the only way they 'd be able to defeat Voldemort . And they will . " Isabel 's prediction was almost true . The interview , which is not online , can only be found on a video tape her friend 's grandmother had taped . This moment was one of the most thrilling Harry Potter moments Isabel had been in . The wait inside the theater was equally as thrilling . People were dressed to the max . There was Hagrid , Hermione , Harry , Ron , Bellatrix , and many more characters . Isabel believed that the midnight showings for a Harry Potter movie were for TRUE fans . As in , they have actually read the books . If you are someone who has only seen the movies , and attends a midnight release , you just ruin it because you will definitely not have the same reactions as ones who have read the books . On to the sixth movie , Harry Potter and the Half - Blood Prince ! This movie 's midnight showing emphasized Isabel 's dedication . You see , Isabel was in Italy . She had gone there for two and a half weeks by herself to visit her family , and she was coming back the day before the movie 's release - or , the day she was going to the midnight showing . Like she does before all the movies come out , Isabel re - read all the Harry Potter books up to that point . All Isabel did on the flight home was read and sleep . She was determined to finish the book . Her flight came into Boston around 1pm . Isabel 's dad and sisters were there to pick her up , and they left immediately . They stopped at Friendly 's on the way home because Isabel hadn 't eaten since she before she had left Italy . You see , Isabel hated airplane food . The taste , even the smell , made her nauseous . So by the time they left Friendly 's , it was about 4pm . Her dad raced home , because as soon as she got home , she was quickly getting things together to go to Megan 's , and then immediately go to the theaters . Luckily , she got to her friend 's house around 5 : 30pm , and was at the theater by 6 : 30pm . Again , they were one of the first few people there . However , while they were waiting to be let in , Isabel couldn 't be distracted , because she only had about 100 pages left in the sixth book . Long story short , she was able to finish the book ( 50 points to Gryffindor ! ) , and the movie experience was spectacular as always . The penultimate movie experience was a sad one . This was Isabel 's last Harry Potter midnight premiere . You may be confused , because there was still one more movie that was coming out the following year . But yet , it was Isabel 's last Harry Potter midnight premiere . The reason ? She would be in Greece when the final movie came out . She was excited to go to Greece , but she was still sad she wouldn 't be able to experience the final Harry Potter movie the way she had been for the past few movies . So she decided to go all out for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows : Part 1 . She dressed up as Hermione Granger , her absolute favorite character . She took pictures so she would remember it forever . And when she saw the movie , she cried . A lot . Not only because of the deaths in the movie , but also because of this whole experience . She knew she would never experience something like this ever again . Nothing could ever be equivalent to a Harry Potter midnight showing . Nothing . So how did Isabel see the final movie ? She was coming back the day after it was opening in the U . S . She HAD to see it opening day . But she couldn 't . She was in Greece on a school field trip . But then a miracle happened , delivered straight from Dumbledore in Wizard Heaven . Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows : Part 2 was opening in Greece before it was opening in the U . S . The last day they were in Athens , Isabel and her friends scrambled around the section of the city they were in , asking restaurant waiters and shop owners if there was a movie theater nearby , and if it had the movie in English . When she and her friends were eating at the Hard Rock Cafe , they found out that what they were looking for was real . There was a movie theater only two blocks away from the hotel everyone was staying at . And they were playing the movie in English with Greek subtitles . There was more scrambling as they asked if people would be interested in going to see the last Harry Potter movie with them . Many were ( there were about 100 students on the trip ) . People wanted to go , but there was one person they had to get the all clear from . Ms . Mason . She was the leader of the trip , and without her permission , Isabel and her friends ' desperate attempts to see the movie would go kerplunk . Early in the afternoon , they all went to Poseidon 's Temple . There , they gathered the courage to ask her if they would be able to organize an outing for the students to go see the movie . They told her the movie time , and that many people were interested . However , she would only let them and other students go if they gave her a list of all the students going so everyone would be accounted for . Also , they had to be back to the hotel within a half hour after the movie ended . So this is how it went down . There were two busses carrying the students . Isabel took down a list of names of people that wanted to go on her bus , and one of her friends collected the money from those people . On the other bus , Isabel 's friend Sarah did the same thing . Suddenly , disShare this : FacebookTwitterPinterestTumblrRedditEmailGoogleLinkedInPrintLike this : Like Loading . . . Leave a comment March 25 , 2013 · 9 : 43 am Harry Potter and Me : Part 1 Hi everyone ! Sorry I haven 't written in a while , but I have been quite busy and have not had the time to put up a post . It is about time that I write a post about my love for Harry Potter . In my very first blog post I mentioned how I love Harry Potter , and that at some point I would write about it . Well , it is that time , my friends . This is the first part of a series that will ultimately have seven parts ( naturally ) . This first one will just be about my introduction to Harry Potter , and a general overview . I hope all you Potterphiles like what I have to say about the biggest movie phenomenon in film history . For all you non - Potterphiles : I hope you get kissed by a dementor . PS : I am going to make this first part in third - person , like a story . I don 't know if I 'll do that for the other parts , but I 'll decide when the time comes . A long time ago , in a land far , far away known as Rhode Island , a young girl was opening her presents on the beautiful Christmas morning of 2001 . It was beautiful , but there was no snow . No snow you may ask ? Well , Rhode Island was a strange land . It had the most peculiar weather , and there were many a Christmases where not a single snowflake would fall from the sky . The lack of snow did not distract the young girl from the glam and glitter of the Christmas tree , the presents beneath it , and the blubber of noises coming from her three - year - old twin sisters . No , Isabel was focused on ripping apart the colorful wrapping paper from Santa to see what she had been given . Soon enough , she had opened all of her presents . There were clothes - the usual present a seven - year - old would get . But there was one present Isabel was completely fascinated about . A hardcover book , with its crisp pages and smell . On the cover was a boy catching a snitch . The title of this book ? Harry Potter and the Sorcerer 's Stone . Before you could say " Quidditch , " Isabel had read the book . She fell in love . She was mesmerized by the magic ; sucked in by the story and its characters . It was the best book she had ever read . Before she turned eight , she read the second , and the third , and the fourth . No one could stop her from reading these books , not even the evilest of people . But there was something more that happened when she read these books . Yes , she became a dedicated and loyal fan , but there was something else . The Harry Potter books and their author , J . K . Rowling , inspired her to start writing her own stories . At this age , she was writing at most five page stories , starring her and her best friends on amazing adventures . Her passion for writing grew , as did her passion for Harry Potter as she started seeing the movies . Harry Potter and writing were one for young Isabel . She would explain , for the rest of her life , that she was not only an obsessed fan - that the books also inspired her to write and made her want to grow up to be an author . Yet , no matter how many times she would tell this to friends or to people she just met , no one really knew Harry Potter 's actual importance . It was a feeling - a love - no one , not even Isabel , could describe in detail . And it only got stronger as she grew older , and as the phenomenon grew to a close . It still gets stronger , even if it is now over . A relationship like this one will never end . Historians say Queen Elizabeth was " married " to England . Well , Isabel 's first " marriage " was to the book series she first layed her eyes on at age seven . Isabel 's InstagramThere was an error retrieving images from Instagram . An attempt will be remade in a few minutes . The Perks of Being a College Student · A blog detailing the next four years of my life . 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Rachel was born August 31 , 2004 with a unilateral cleft lip and palate . This blog follows Rachel 's progress on this journey of repairs , her continued progress , and development into a little girl that brings many blessings . Posts specific to cleft issues are listed on the right sidebar . I love my girls , but at the end of the day , there are times I CAN ' T wait until bedtime . The caos , the nonstop chatter and noise , the messes , and all the work of the day comes to an end once the girls are in bed . At the end of the night , when we retire to the bedroom to watch TV , we tuck the girls in , turning night lights off , etc , and it always makes me smile to see how stinkin cute my girls are when they are asleep . No matter what the caos , or battles were endured through the day , seeing them like this , makes it all okay . . . . . . . . . . . until the next day begins and the chatter , noise , and messes start over again . LOL Some kids are gentle with things . Some kids are rough . Hannah never once did she break anything as a toddler ( I think with the exception of an antique plate at my parents house ) . Rachel , is totally a different story . She has broken more things than you would believe . It started at a young age . Which should have been a red light then , but it wasn 't . LOL . She pulled a basin and pitcher off a table in our bedroom , breaking the basin in half . It wasn 't until the last six months I found a new basin to replace the broken one . There 's been other little things along the way . But lately there have been some pretty major ones worth mentioning . Last week , during a day in which it was a battle of the wills , and I was going to win by her taking a nap , Rachel pulled the curtains off of her wall , leaving about a dime size tear in the drywall . I now need to purchase a new curtain rod and patch the hole . I didn 't realize how much I liked her curtains , until they 've been down for a week . Yesterday afternoon while I was vaccuming Hannah 's room , I shut the door to vaccum behind the door and discovered a hole in the door about the size of a dime . The hole had been made as a result of the door being slammed into the door stopper over and over and over again . . . with force . The hole hasn 't been there long , because it wasn 't there a week ago when Steven measured and charted Hannah 's height on her growth chart . I didn 't get mad . I didn 't let it stress me out . I 'm not saying it didn 't bother me , but what good is it to get so upset over something I can 't fix ? ? I was thankful the hole is on the back of the door ! I kinda had to laugh about it . . . because , that 's our Rachel . After our time at the Carlsbad Flower Fields , we drove across the highway to the beach . I 'm not sure how much or even if she remembers our vacation at Pismo Beach last year , but Rachel sure loved being on the beach today . Although she still doesn 't like the feel of sandy hands . LOL . We strolled the beach for about half a mile . The girls picking up rocks and sea shells with Uncle Bart . Rachel thinking it was funny when the incoming waves just missed her . LOL . After our time at the beach , we went back to Uncle Bart 's condo and looked at all the pictures we 'd taken today . We went to dinner and then back to Uncle Bart 's place . On trips when I don 't know how late we 'll be out , I always throw the girls ' pajamas in the car , that way when they fall asleep in the car on the way home , they can be easily put to bed and not have to be awakened to put jammies on . After a wonderful afternoon and evening , it was time to head for home . I did a diaper change and got the girls into their jammies , refilled sippie cups , and annoucned it was time to leave . Rachel started crying , she didn 't want to leave Uncle Bart . She thought because I put her jammies on , it meant she was spending the night with him . LOL . However , once in the car it didn 't take long before the girls were fast asleep . They were worn out from all the walking we did and fresh air we were exposed to . Today we made the drive and spent most of the day with Uncle Bart , someone Rachel has become very attached to in the last several months . He 's her buddy and she loves to see him . After stopping off to see Uncle Bart 's condo , we made our way to lunch , and then to the Carlsbad Flower Fields . We did a lot of walking and Rachel for the most part did great . She was pretty cute , stopping to smell the flowers on a few occassions . One of the cool things to do at the Flower Fields was the Sweet Pea Maze . The Sweet Pea hedge was about five feet high . Rachel just kept going and going , laughing most of the way because she kept running into the same people over and over because they were lost too . Another thing to do , which I 'm not sure what it had to do with fields of flowers , was this gem minning station . The kids got to pick a pail , and then they showed the kids how to shake thier tray back and forth in the water . Rachel actually had gold in her bucket ! ! In addition the gold nugget , she had a nice little bag of pretty stones to keep . Posted by I post these adventures because I know it 'll bring laughter to some . Perhaps sympathy from others . Hopeful for notes of encouragement from fellow mothers experiencing or having experienced the same adventures with their children . And most importantly this blog acts as a journal , Rachel 's online babybook . Rachel has this fascination for not wearing clothes , or a pull up for that matter . Everyday I must dress that kid at least three times . One day last week , knowing that she had gone outback to play , I went to check on her . And how did I find Rachel you might wonder ? ? She was swinging on the swingset , with not a single article of clothing on . . . nor was she wearing her pull up . Her clothes and pull up were spewed about the backyard . She just kept on swinging with a huge smile from ear to ear . Last Saturday we hosted a birthday party for Hannah . Having rented a bounce house to entertain the coming kids , we took full advantage of the bounce house late in the afternoon once the party was over . Sitting on the patio , enjoying the peace and quiet , I look up to see Rachel in the bounce house , bouncing , celebrating the day . . . in her BIRTHday suit . Grrrr . The other day , as I was sitting at my desktop computer , importing pictures , Rachel came to into the office . Again , wearing absolutely nothing , except for a purple ribbon wrapped around her chest , she says " I 'm Ariel " . That one made Steven laugh so hard he about fell out of his chair . Besides taking every piece of clothing off several times throughout the day , she can 't stand to have shoes on . We 'll be in the car running errands and at every single stop , I have to put her socks and shoes back on . I can 't tell you how frustrating this one is . It actually makes me pretty mad about the third stop . I am seriously hoping that Rachel outgrows this fascination for a lack of clothing come September when she goes to preschool . That 's one call I would not want " Hello , Mrs . F * * * * * , Rachel took her clothes off in class today and hid them and we can 't find them " . Upon waking up this morning , I decided it was a great day for a trip to Disneyland . So I packed the backpack , Rachel and I dawned our Mickey Mouse shirts , and grabbed my camera . Listening to the news as we pulled out of the driveway warned of the potentially high winds we could see today . And said that the winds were so bad at Disneyland yesterday that a palm tree frond fell on a guest waiting in line for the Jungle Cruise , sending her to the hospital . Ummm . . . . okay , to be honest , that was kinda freaky , I 'm in the car , already having told Rachel we were heading to see Mickey and we hear this news story . Do I go , or do I stay home ? ? LOL . I decided to go ahead and make the trip . The winds haven 't been kicking up until mid to late afternoon anyways , and I would need to be back by mid afternoon to get Hannah from school . So there was a chance we wouldn 't be affected by the winds , however , if by chance if there were high winds , we 'd make the best of our trip by seeing some of indoor shows and doing some window shopping and then heading home . But on a happy note , we were blessed with a very beautiful day . . . no wind , bright and shinning sun , and temps near the 80s . Simply beautiful . Rachel has reached the first height requirement for some of the more ' wilder ' rides . She is tall enough for the Matterhorn Bobsleds , and for Gadgets Go Coaster . Today she went on Gadgets Go Coaster and had a great time ! One of my most favorite places to eat at Disneyland , not necessarily for the food , but for the atmosphere , is the Hungry Bear Restaraunt back in Critter Country . The upstairs dinning deck overlooks the Rivers of America and provides for a relaxing area to sit and enjoy your lunch while watching the Mark Twain Steamboat , the Sailing Ship Columbia , and the canoes make their way around the River . It was such a beautiful day that Rachel and I ate lunch here and enjoyed the view and she enjoyed watching the ducks . I love the trips that Rachel and I have had , just the two of us . It 's especially a lot of fun now that Rachel has developPosted by Having a bounce house in her own backyard was heaven for Rachel . It gave her a place to bounce and jump and do her tricks that she normally does on the couch and on beds . I think she thought the bounce house was a new addition to our backyard and was here to stay because she cried when the man came to take it away . LOL . Posted by This afternoon , after school I took Hannah to get her hair cut . While Hannah was in the chair , Rachel asked to get her hair cut . How can you deny a girl a haircut when she uses her words ? ? LOL . Rachel did such a great job at sitting still and doing what the lady asked of her . Her hair looked cute enough , but then the lady added a couple of braids to the sides , making her look even more cute ! Posted by Gramma and Papa 's house was the place to be for Easter Dinner this year . Gramma made a delicious meal that brought the whole family together . It was a great afternoon and evening of just hanging out with the family and Rachel and Hannah playing with their cousins . They especially had a great time doing an egg hunt in Gramma and Papa 's back yard , searching for lots of eggs loaded with candy . Uncle Bart brought each of the girls a giant chocolate bunny . Officially a pro at egg hunting now . Being silly with the cousins . Gramma filled cute Easter tins for each of the girls . Here , Rachel is adding to her stash from the eggs she found . Easter for our family isn 't about the Easter Bunny , or the baskets , dying eggs , or egg hunts , although egg hunts and dying eggs are a lot of fun . Easter is about Jesus Christ who died on the cross for our sins and then rose from the dead 3 days later . With that said , I was once again very excited about the Easter activities that followed our sunrise church service . It was the same as last years activities , with a couple more things added . It 's called Holyland Adventures : The Jerusalem Marketplace . There were 14 stations all centred around what it would have been like to live during Jesus ' last days . Most of the stations had something for the kids to make and take home to remember their experience . This year , Rachel participated and had a blast doing so ! Last year , she just sat in the stroller , this time she walked from booth to booth . I for one missed having the stroller to hold all the stuff they were acquiring . LOL . Decorating a cross . Checking out the empty tomb . Rachel loved waving the palm branch and singing " Hosana " . Decorating her crown . She 's a Princess in the Lord 's eyes . Learning what it 's like to be a carpenter , like Jesus was . Grinding up spices and herbs like the ones they used in Jesus ' day . Rachel had so much fun being able to particpate in these activities . As she gets older , it 's my hope and prayer that she understand what 's being taught . It 's defianately a great way to kick off the Easter day . The day before Easter means a massive egg hunt in our neck of the woods . In years past , it 's been an egg hunt to span almost all the front yards of our Cul de Sac , involving 10 - 12 kids , and egg counts as high as 300 . However , our street has gone through some changes over the last year , and a lot of the kids living on the street don 't get a long with one another , so we decided to do a massive egg hunt of our own , in our backyard , with just our girls and the three girls next door . It 'll was still a massive hunt . . . there are 150 eggs to be found ! Because this year 's hunt was on a much smaller scale as far as the amount of kids go , I was able to try something that I had read in a magazine a couple years ago and assinged each kid a color . Rachel and Gracie , because they aren 't real good on their colors yet , were able to pick up green and yellow eggs . Both the little girls had a blast , both going after eggs , collecting them in their baskets , and then . . . Gracie dropped one and it broke in two , and she discovered the eggs actually had candy in them ! That was it , her search was over , she was happy with the candy she 'd found . LOL . That 's the way to get the egg atop the slide , grab it , slide down , and trust your friend isn 't going to take off with your basket . " This isn 't my basket , but I bet they wouldn 't mind sharing what 's in it " . Rachel has discovered a new love . . . RingPops ! It was so much fun to watch Rachel hunt for eggs this year . She was having so much fun and understands what ' candy ' is this year . Which is the reason she was the one who kept sneaking into the house this afternoon , climbing atop the kitchen counter , and sneaking candy . LOL . I 'm sure she 'll do just fine tomorrow when we do another massive egg hunt at Gramma and Papa 's house . Only this time it 'll be even more fun because Haylee and McKenzie will be there hunting too ! This evening after dinner , Rachel joined Hannah and her friend next door in coloring Easter eggs ! I was a little leary at first , but I had it down to a system of the girls needing to ask for me to move a cup of colored dye to avoid any spills . I figured I 'd let Rachel give it a try and she was excited to get the chance to do so . Big girls color Easter eggs . Proud of the egg that has her name on it . Proud of her colored eggs ! Posted by Today , my mom and I went to her church 's Good Friday noon service . They offered no child care for the hour long service , so I was prepared with a bag of snacks and a notepad to keep Rachel occupied . Rachel was sitting so nicely , she was quietly eating her pretzels and then about a quarter of the way through the service , she leaned onto my arm , and fell asleep ! ! I think I 've found a solution to my naptime struggles with Rachel . . . I either need to find a mid day service to go to everyday of the week , or as my mom suggested , download the Pastors messages onto my iPod and have Rachel listen to them everyday . LOL . This morning , Rachel , Gramma , and I went to see McKenzie in her Spring Parade at the preschool . Rachel was very excited to be visiting what will be ' her school ' come September , as well as very excited to get to see her cousins . This large bunny is usually a bean bag toss . Today , it served as face holes for Rachel and Haylee . The cute lil bunny we all came to see . Posted by Today we went to Disneyland . About a month ago , Uncle Bart mentioned wanting the family to meet for breakfast at Disneyland and then spend the day together for his birthday . He was able to get Gramma and Papa tickets into the park on the Military Base , which was nice because they 've not been since their annual passes expired last year . Uncle Bart is always saying how he 'd like to work at Disneyland if he could be Tigger . The breakfast in which we went to was a character breakfast where the characters come to your table to interact , sign autographs , and take pictures . This was Rachel 's first character dinning experience and I think she really enjoyed it . She wore her Minnie Mouse ( it was actually Hannah 's dress ) dress today and was so adorable if I say so myself . This is the first time she 's dressed up for going to Disneyland . Rachel was very excited to see Minnie Mouse across the dinning room . She was even more excited when Minnie came to our table . Eeyore came to our table . . . a LOT . After breakfast we headed out to hit some rides . Rachel and Gramma got to spend some quite a lot of time together since Rachel doesn 't meet the height requirements on the ' good rides ' . While the big people were in line for the Matterhorn , Rachel , Gramma , and Hannah were greeted by Alice in Wonderland and stopped to pose for a picture with the girls . " Go Faster Gramma , Go Faster " The afternoon included more rides , enjoying some seats in the shade , and snacks . Daddy had to head home to serve in his evening church ministry , and we got a ride home with Gramma and Papa and stayed into the evening . We also watched the parade . Here the girls are using Papa in order to see the parade . Disneyland was extremely crowded today . Lines were long . But the day was a beautiful spring day and we managed to ride a lot of rides and a have a great day ! I am a stay at home wife and mom to my husband of twenty years , and our two daughters , Rachel and Hannah . I initially started blogging when Rachel was born with a cleft lip and palate and needed a place to journal and keep family and friends up to date with her progress and surgeries . Having loved keeping a blog for Rachel , I started a blog for our oldest daughter , Hannah , when she embarked on the adventure of starting kindergarten . And in recent years , I 've started a blog for myself of my own things , thoughts , and ramblings . And now , while the things associated with Rachel 's birth defect are few and far in between , and Hannah is now in High School , I continue to try to blog as often as I once did , as all three of my blogs serve as a my digital scrapbooks .
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Everyone owes me money this week : - The Golf in Egypt Magazine for my last article - Egypt Today ( from May ) . They suck royal donkey . Don 't ever work for them . - The English language center where I teach . The director pays me only when I nag him . - Barsoum , my diamond dealer student who 's escaped to Dubai for a business trip . I forgive him . The only saving grace is an Italian engineer who 's visiting his girlfriend for the week and needs English tutorials for the week , so I 'm able to stay off the streets for now … My former student Mohamed Hussein Mohamed asked me to come by St . Andrew 's today to help with the Oral Assessment of the new students . So , I became an interrogator of refugees asking impertinent questions : What kind of food do you like ? Are you married ? How many brothers and sisters do you have ? Some questions elicit pain : When do you go to work ? I have no work . What is one of the problems in Cairo ? There is no work here for me . I interview about five students . The first two are young men from Sudan in their late 20s . The next three are Iraqis from Baghdad . First , a veterinarian who would like to open up his own practice . Alas , the Egyptian government will not allow him to do such a thing . Second , an articulate woman who practiced as a gynecologist . Unfortunately , she does not have much to do here in Cairo except to make sure her kids are studying in school and they have enough to eat . " The money is running out , " she says matter - of - factly . I mentioned to her that someone on the Cairo Scholars listserv for expatriates was in need of a gynecologist recently . She asked me to forward her the email . Finally , a dignified and well - spoken man , perhaps in his late 40s , who fled Iraq and is now looking to resettle outside Egypt . His daughter recently found refuge in " Missery " in the middle of America . Missouri , this is . I told him to be careful of the pronunciation , as Missourians are very proud people . I decided that he and the doctor both are advanced . I hope to be able to have them in my class in January , insha ' Allah ! ( God Willing ! ) . ( Background : I was invited by the Shanghai International Strategic Studies Research Institute to give a talk on the US Elections in early November . ) As I arrive at the Cairo Airport for my Qatar Airways flight , I place my two small bags on the conveyor belt . My cell phone and watch cause the metal detector to beep . Mr . Security man comes to me and takes my right hand with both of his . With his right hand , he holds my fingers . With his left hand , he feels my pulse , making me slightly nervous . " Where are you going ? " Shanghai , China . " What airline ? " Qatar Airways . " What time is your flight ? " About 5 : 30pm . He looks me in the eyes the whole time . He smiles and lets me go . Apparently , I pass the Cairo Airport human security screening ! Doha airport / layoverIn the waiting room are mostly Chinese passengers , who are listless . They play with their loud cell phones belting out lively , Chinese pop songs . One is wearing a NY pink cap and yellow T - shirt with red stripes . Each man wears the standard Chinese businessman outfit : dark , leather shoes , khakis , black shirt , short , cropped black hair , and an aloof stare coupled with impatience . The man facing me is bouncing one leg up and down ; when I look up again , both legs are now bouncing . One man suddenly walks away briskly and announces , " smoke ! " Arrival in Shanghai Johnson says , " I hear that you 've been working in Iraq ? In what capacity ? " I can 't talk too much about it . " Is it working with local government and city administration ? " Yes , something like that . ( In some circles , I 've come to be known as the secret Agent Man . ) Shanghai is clean , bustling , and building … constantly building … Bound for BeijingFriday night , I depart Shanghai on the night train , soft sleeper . My cabin mates are three Chinese businessmen who are not very talkative ; the only thing I get out of them is the next morning when they explain their trip is both business and pleasure . Upon arrival , I look for a phone to call the hotel , but see none . I notice a gentleman on a cell phone with soPosted by The other night , Rabiyah , my quasi - doorman , caught my hand in a strong handshake and asked if some workers could come into the apartment to install a new sign above the entrance to our apartment building . They could 've made an appointment , right ? Well , remember - this is Egypt , where you play it by ear most of the time . Although I was expecting some friends over for a language exchange , I relented . And although they didn 't stay long , they were not the quietest workers . They finished in less than an hour and were on their merry way . Alhamdulilah ! Free juice is a part of Islam , I discovered the other day at the juice stand . As I was drinking my pomegranate juice , I noticed two men come by the store to take a sip from a bottle of water on the counter , one after another . While I 've seen water canisters on the streets with cups for thirsty passersby , I 've never seen bottles of water set out for this purpose . I asked Magdy , the owner why he provides the free water bottle . Why doesn 't he sell water and make more money ? He explained , " well … it 's Islam . Our religion … " " You mean , hasanat ? " I interjected . " Bravo alayk ! " he replied . Bravo to you . He seemed to say that I understood . It 's a lot like Buddhist karma . The more good deeds you do for people , the more brownie points you earn for the afterlife . Even if poor people ask him for free juice , he will not turn them away . In fact , Magdy revealed that every week about five or six people come to the store to ask for free juice . This number is much higher during the holy month of Ramadan . Magdy and Abdou , his colleague both explained how " sweet " Islam is and how I should study it . And God Willing , one day , perhaps I will become Muslim . After we chat for a few more minutes , I tell them that I shall return on a regular basis now that I know where they are . " The next time you return , the juice will be free ! " Magdy reassures me . I tell him that I will buy his juice . " No , you are now a friend . So , free juice for you ! " Sweet ! So six weeks after I moved into this spaaacious apartment next to the Syrian Embassy , I am moving out , along with my two roommates David , the Buddhist and Carlo , the Italian . The main reason , unfortunately , is bed bugs have taken over the entire apartment . My main reason is that I have found a smaller apartment in downtown with cheaper rent . Madame Nadia , the Kitchen KleptomaniacTonight , David went to the kitchen with Madame Nadia , who scavenged the remains of his food from the fridge , which was a sensible act of diplomacy considering she still has his LE 3 , 500 deposit . She also took some cutlery and plates , and one of the saucepans . David told me that she also wanted to go in and take the fan from my room , but he managed to hold her back , and explained that I would want the fan for myself . Clearly a clever lie , but now that he 's explained my false position , I actually want it . Dave wrote , " So you are welcome to it if you like , but be prepared for a fist fight with a small , rather creased old lady with only three remaining teeth . My money is on you . " I will not miss Madame Nadia 's constant intrusion into our apartment . It has become so incessant that I asked my roommate last night if he knew the story of Dostoyevsky 's Crime and Punishment , where a young renter murders his landlady . However , as I recall , that killing was for money , not for being a busybody . I will miss a few things about living here : mainly , my current roommates ; the amount of space and the three balconies with a lovely view of the neighboring ficas trees ; the proximity to the metro and to my language center . And the daily calls to prayer ( all 5 ) from the " mosque of light " ( Masjid Al - Nour ) below our apartment . Ironically , while many Westerners would go up the wall with such regular screams of piety , they were reminders to me of the time passing by . Allahu Akbar ! God is the greatest ! La ilaha ila Allah wa Mohamedu rassolu Allah ! There is no God , but Allah and Mohamed is his messenger ! Hiya Salaah ! Hiya Felaah ! Come to Prayer ! Come to SuccePosted by As I approached home the other night , an Egyptian man accosted me . " Salaam Aleikoom ! Welcome to Egypt . Where are you from ? " Hawaii . " Honolulu ? " Yes ! " Wonderful . And you speak Arabic . Alhamdulilah ! " He is Ahmed , a 37 year old from Areesh , a border town between Gaza and Egypt . His hair is short , curly and black . He is wearing a short - sleeved shirt , with a checkered pattern that flows over blue jeans and a pair of leather shoes , apricot color . He has a warm smile and a clean look and an unusually upbeat demeanor . He says that he 's been in Cairo for only two days , but that he 's spent that time in a police station . He was in Agouza , the neighboring area when the police arrested him for no reason , beat him and took his money . I notice that we are in the middle of the street , in between the intersections where the police are stationed , out of earshot . For a man who 's been beaten and suffered from police abuse , there are no visible injuries on his face or neck or hands . He flips his upper lip with both hands and asks me to take a look at his injuries . I 'm not sure what I 'm supposed to see . " My bobba died . He 's now in jenna ( heaven ) , " as he both looks up and points above . " Mumma - - she 's old and not in good health . I reeeally need to go home to Areesh , " he explains . How ? By train ? Bus ? " There is no train . Only bus . " The ticket is … he uses his right index finger to trace " 55 " on the car hood next to us . " You know the trip from Cairo to Alexandria is 30 LE . " I think back to my trip to Alexandria in December 2007 . My ticket was 20LE . " As you know , prices have increased since the spring ! " he justifies his statement . Ahmed shows me his Egyptian passport , which is oversized and green . Inside is his photo and birthdate . He asks me how much money I can contribute to his return ticket . I tell him that I am a student and poor , like him . I want to help him , but I have no money to spare . I ask him , " are you hungry ? " He replies , " yes . " " Then , come with me ! " I command him . " I 'll buyPosted by Tom Olson , the editor in chief of the magazine Golf in Egypt drives me to the golf course on a beautiful Friday morning . Originally a Minnesota native , Tom has lived the expat life in Cairo for 14 years . He is two years shy of 70 and has a tuft of white hair . A gregarious gentleman , he shares some of his numerous tales with me , including surviving a plane crash over Syria ; witnessing a man drive over 100 mph to his death about 5 feet away on the highway ; living through a civil war in Beirut , Lebanon . We arrive about 30 minutes later east of downtown Cairo . Katameya is an oasis in the desert . A pleasant patch of green palm trees and grass surrounded by brown , it is home to 1500 avid golf aficionados . A moderate wind blows from the North . Bunches of yellow dates hang from date - palm trees . The scene is idyllic and a perfect backdrop for the 2008 BMW golf tournament , which played host to amateur golfers from around the world . It is here that I catch up with Sophie and Farid Issa , a golfing couple who have garnered attention for their recent successes in the Vodafone Tournament . I am here to interview them for a profile in the upcoming issue of Golf in Egypt . The Issas sit comfortably on a couch in the Katameya Resort lounge for our interview . Sunlight floods the common area . Every so often , a friend or colleague stops by to greet the couple . Farid is very orange today : orange shorts , a T - shirt with orange and white stripes and tanned legs . He speaks with a soft , but clear voice , the result of a British education and a few years in the states . His salt and pepper hair is trimmed neatly . His wife Sophie sports a black T - shirt with an emblem of the Egyptian flag over her heart , perhaps a testament to the many decades she has spent living in the country . She speaks with a French lilt and punctuates her sentences with a gentle laugh . Sunglasses sit on top of her head . She wears shoulder - length blonde hair , with thin eyebrows above sleepy eyes and radiates a sunny glow . The arms of a white sweater criss - cross her shouldersPosted by Our American roommate is returning to the states in a few days , so we 're interviewing for a new roommate . So far , a few people have stopped by : Nick : an American who just arrived and is working in Cairo for a year . He called a few days ago to tell us he 's found something already . Norveen : an Iranian lady who 's lived in Cairo for many years , but David already disqualified her because she 's the modern incarnation of Helen of Troy . She would be too great a distraction . Carlo : an Italian who works in cement . A bit suspicious ? Although , perhaps , he might have access to some Italian women . It 's down to Carlo and a Swedish man who 's coming by in 2 days . Perhaps the Swede might have access to some Swedish women ? David tells me that most Swedish women are lesbians . A Belgian came by today . He is a young fellow of perhaps 22 , and fresh out of school . With six languages under his belt , he 's now shooting for # 7 with Arabic . He had a strange handshake ; he pumped David 's hand like it was a water pump . And he seemed very serious . I asked him if he brought any beer or chocolates . He had none . David and I both decided that he 's out of contention . Yehia Khalif teaches English and Arabic at the Berlitz language school . At 25 , Yehia has a thin frame and speaks softly , but confidently . Born in Saudi Arabia , he came to Cairo 7 years ago to study at Al - Azhar University , Egypt 's premier religious institution that dates back to more than 1 , 000 years . His parents and family still reside in the Saudi Kingdom . He is now expecting his new baby girl next month . One of the first things Yehia tells me is " do not judge Islam based on Egypt or Egyptian Muslims . " It seems he does not think too much of the Egyptian form of Islam . His ideal Islam is that practiced in the Saudi Kingdom . While I never asked him , I believe it is fair to call my new friend a follower of Wahabism , the strict form of Islam that the House of Saud embraces . It is a bit hard for me to believe this , as he has no big beard and does not speak in a strident voice . Yehia picks me up at the Al - Tahrir Cinema by my apartment . I buy some Ramadan pastries from the store as a housewarming gift . The clerk invariably asks me where I am from . I say Hawaii . In America . Hawaii is an island , yes ? Close to Alaska ? No , very far away . Half Kilo of these cookies and half kilo of those , please . We drive around the corner to pickup Hassan , Yehia 's friend . As we wait , Yehia steps out of the car to buy some water and juice . When he returns , I fight my instinct to open the juice . It is about 5 : 45pm , about 5 minutes before Magreb prayer ( Sunset ) , when the fast is broken . I started the day by eating the Suhoor , or the morning meal before Fajr ( 4 : 20am ) and did not eat or drink anything . Only a few more minutes to go … Yehia thanks me for waiting with him . The car is old . Very old . It is a LADA . Russian . It used to belong to his father , but he has inherited it . The radio still works fine , as he showed me . The rear view mirror is unusually long , about the width of a man 's forearm . Once Hassan arrives , we drive off to his home . I tell Yehia that I want to pray with him this evening . He is delighted . His small apartment is by Posted by I woke up on Sunday with a few spots on my arms . They looked like bug bites . By Monday , I had a few more . It wasn 't until Tuesday that I started to fear that they were more than bug bites . My housemate in DC came down with chickenpox before I left 10 days ago . So , I feared that I had contracted the disease . By Tuesday afternoon , spots had appeared on my arms and legs , neck , shoulders and around my bellybutton . A visit to the pharmacist helped a little . His over - the - counter diagnosis : I don 't have the pox . " They 're just eczema or an allergic reaction to something you ate , " Robert declared confidently . A portly man in his 40s , Robert is a Coptic Christian and was still open at the Magreb or sunset prayer . He sold me a topical anti - itch cream and some Claritin pills to treat the spots . I didn 't completely trust his cursory diagnosis . My roommate says it 's probably an allergic reaction to bed bugs . I did see one mite ( red one ) near my bed , which I promptly crushed between the pages of 8 and 9 of Holy War , Inc . by Peter Bergen . This morning , Nadia , the landlady 's sister wanted to clean the balcony . Walking with a slight stoop , she has thin , grey hair that rests above round eyes . A large , triangular - shaped tooth protrudes from her upper jaw . A gentle septuagenarian , she has an assertive demeanor and pushes her way past you if your grip on the front door is weak . I showed her my bug bites and the dirty bed . After we removed the bed cover , there was a big stain . It looked like someone had used the bed as a bathroom long ago . She said we can spray it . So , she brought down a roach spray and an insect repellant . We moved the bed to the balcony , sprayed it and then she kept insisting on washing the sheets without spraying them . I gently inquired if I can get a new mattress from the landlady . She responded that indeed , there is a new mattress in the apartment above . Although the two American girls were not at home , she would just let herself inside and have the doorman pick up the mattress . Within a few minutes Mustafa , Posted by Zoo Visit with Ahmed and TatianaWith a seven hour layover in Frankfurt , I am picked up at the airport by Ahmed , the brother of Hazem , my friend and language exchange partner . At 24 , Ahmed recently immigrated to Germany to be with his German wife and newborn daughter . He says there are more opportunities here than in Egypt . They drive me to the zoo for an afternoon visit . Tatiana , Ahmed 's wife , a friendly woman , spent six years studying Islam before she converted . They give me a bag of new clothes for Hazem . Arrival in Egypt As our Czech Airlines flight lands in Cairo , a woman 's voice welcomes us to Kay - row , where it is about 2 : 15 AM . As we touch ground , the passengers clap spontaneously . My friend Yehia greets me at the arrivals hall . I met with Yehia for weekly language exchange in the Spring . At 24 , he is a fresh graduate of Cairo University intent on becoming a lawyer and translator . He is still taking classes at the American University in Cairo ( AUC ) to hone his translation skills . Despite his training and impressive English skills , he cannot find a job . It is said that his situation is typical of Egyptian University graduates . His father owns a few grocery and furniture stores . Yehia pushes my luggage into the parking lot , where we find a taxi driver half asleep . I ask him if he goes to Dokki . He nods . Yehia asks me if I should negotiate the fare with him before we take off . I explain that to do so would invite a long , drawn - out argument over the price . Better to just get in and pay him the standard fare of 50LE ( $ 9 ) . After all , that 's what the locals do . We race through the empty highways and streets for the next 30 minutes . We pass the Syrian Embassy and the Wafd Party Headquarters until we see David , my British roommate , at the door . A freelance journalist , David is a Buddhist who lived in Tibet for a few months . At 37 , he has a smooth baby face and the look of a writer . Our other roommate is Cassandra , an American Ph . D student who is studying folklore in Luxor . She 's lived in Egypt off and on for Posted by In my eight months in Egypt , I have learned much about the people , religion and culture of this ancient country . Perhaps , the most common and the most famous Arabic phrase I have learned and use is Alhamdulillah , which means " praise be to God . " In English , we really do not have its equivalent in our secular vernacular . Instead , we must borrow from our more devout compatriots for the phrase . Alhamdulillah consists of two words or three parts : Alhamdu is the praise ; lillah is to God . If you simply walk down any street of Cairo on any given day , you 'll hear this phrase . Greet the doorman with SabaH Alkheir or Good Morning . Most likely , he 'll respond with SabaH Alnour , meaning a morning of light to you . Ask him how he is doing and he will quickly respond with Alhamdulillah . Ask him what is new and he 'll say Alhamdulillah . Get into the taxi and comment on the beautiful weather today ; the driver will say Alhamdulillah . Tell him you are happy in your short stay in Cairo and he 'll say Alhamdulillah . In other words , this simple phrase is a distillation of people 's understanding that everything comes from God . My Arabic tutor , a devout man who prostrates himself five times daily to worship Allah , told me recently that when life is good and you have plenty , you must say Alhamdulillah ; when life makes a turn for the worst and you are in pain , you must say Alhamdulillah ; when the earthquake comes and you lose your house or family , you must say Alhamdulillah . When you die , you must say Alhamdulillah because at that point you go to Aljenna or heaven . The spirit of Alhamdulillah is the same as the gratefulness that I learned in my study of Judaism in the last three years with the Rabbis in Washington , DC 's synagogue . When I broke bread and drank kadim wine ( or whiskey ) with my fellow Sabbath worshippers , I saw the enthusiasm and joie de vivre on people 's faces as they praised Hashem . We prayed before the Shabbat dinner , during dinner , and after dinner ; before dessert , during dessert , and after dessert . The whole Posted by Cairo - May 16 , 2008As I boarded the metro train yesterday , my stomach began to grumble . I felt very sick and decided to get off at the next stop , Dar El Salaam , which means House of Peace . I found a bench and lay down . I thought I would rest for 5 - 10 minutes before getting back on the train . No more than two minutes passed when a group of 10 people surrounded me and a man in a shirt and tie asked me in English , " are you ok ? Do you need a doctor ? " I replied in Arabic , " I 'm ok . I have a pain in my stomach and I am resting for 5 minutes . It 's no problem . Thank you very much . " With that reassurance , they went away . After another minute , I got up , thinking that I better stay in a sitting position to avoid drawing attention . A few more minutes passed and I felt much better . Just as I saw Egyptians helping the blind man in the metro a few months earlier , I now was the recipient of their compassion . * * * - Regib , the doorman , asks me about my family in China and if they were affected by the earthquake . I tell him no , Alhamdulillah . * * * In the afternoon , I take the taxi to the Ahly Club to tutor my student Barsoum . The taxi driver tells me that his father is in the hospital with a broken leg . He hands me a piece of paper with a black and white picture of his father and Arabic writing . It looks like a document that perhaps patients receive when they check into hospitals in Egypt . He then shows me what looks like a cardboard cast . " My father has no money . " He says that it 's been hard to pay the bills . Initially , I feel very sympathetic . If this were my first month here , I would gladly give the driver a few extra pounds ; however , six months in Cairo have hardened my heart to such stories , even if they are true . I instinctively think that the driver conjured such a tale . I then ask him if he has heard of the great earthquake in China a few days ago . " More than 14 , 000 are dead and another 20 , 000 are missing . I have family who suffered from the quake . Some of them are still under the buildings ! " ( This is a lPosted by Though overlooked by almost all of the major presidential candidates , American expatriates are mobilizing to have their voices heard in NovemberBy Andy LeiIt is a beautiful spring afternoon and the crowds , many wearing shorts and T - shirts , are out enjoying the sun . A young man wearing an Obama 2008 baseball cap stands near a young lady holding a stack of leaflets . A cameraman is getting ready to film them both extolling the virtues of their candidate . It would seem like a typical campaign rally in a United States presidential year , except for a few small details : The man 's T - shirt sports the slogan " Egypt is Barack Obama country , " while the Sphinx watches impassively in the background . This seemingly out - of - place outing was organized by members of the local chapter of Democrats Abroad ( DA ) , who were making a 30 - second video on the Giza Plateau that they hope will achieve YouTube fame and attention for their candidate . Traveling or even living abroad doesn 't mean people leave their political passions at the border . According to the US Election Assistance Commission , 330 , 000 overseas ballots were cast in the 2006 congressional elections . Alison Dilworth , chief of American Citizen Services ( ACS ) at the US Embassy in Egypt , says that about 32 , 800 Americans are living or working in Egypt . However , the embassy does not categorize American nationals based on ethnic background , so it is unknown exactly how many of these are Egyptian - Americans . Of this number , about 40 percent , or 13 , 120 , regularly register to vote from election to election . Given how close the last two US presidential elections have been and how close the Democratic primary race has shaped up to be , some expatriate partisans are extra - motivated to mobilize the overseas vote . go here for the rest of the story : www . egypttoday . com When Norman and Michael visited the Saqqara Step Pyramids a few months ago , they asked for directions to the microbus . Abu Khalid , the man who helped them , invited them to a wedding party . He introduced himself as the chief of the chipsy ( Potato Chips ) factory in 6th of October City , a suburb of Cairo . He invited them to the factory for a tour anytime . They operate 7 days a week and never take a break . They exchanged phone numbers and Norman returned to his Alexandria classes . So , last week , Norman and Michael decided to head out to the factory to look for Abu Khalid . The microbus ride took about 30 minutes to the suburb . The roads were surprisingly new and clean . Many new developments are cropping up in and around the city . After we arrive , we hitch a ride with a man in a pickup truck . We sit in the back of the pickup truck like migrant workers . A few minutes later , we are at the factory gates . Norman and Michael explain to Said , the security man , their purpose in visiting the factory . He is friendly , but a bit wary of our story … until they describe Abu Khaled : a bit on the heavy side , a beard . Said completed the description : going bald , right ? A big stomach , about this tall ? " Yes , that 's Abu Khaled , " confirmed Norman and Michael . " He 's not the mudeer ( director ) of the factory . He 's the chef in our cafeteria ! " explained Said . We realize the problem : chief versus chef . Of course , what a simple mixup . On our way back to the bus station , I sit inside the truck with Mohammed , our driver . He 's lived in the area 20 years , the same age as the city . He explained that the city is full of factories : BMW , Mercedes , Suzuki , potato chips , pepsi , coca - cola . You name it , they got it . China - number one ! ( with thumbs up ) America - number bottom ! This was a gentle comparison . Once before , a taxi driver praised China as a great country and the Chinese people as " haboob " or lovable people . However , when he mentioned America , he spat out the window . Port Said is a three hour bus ride from Cairo and is a nice getaway from the hustle and bustle of the capital city . I travel with my friend Min and his friend Enha , both from Korea , but studying Arabic in Egypt . We take the ferry across the Suez Canal and stand before Mosque Port Fuad . Its twin minarets tower above us as they reach for the sky . We step inside the empty Mosque . After a few minutes of looking around , a short , older gentleman approaches us . He seems to be the groundskeeper . He has a white beard - like Santa Claus , silver hair trimmed neatly at the top , with deep lines in his forehead and a dark prayer mark in the middle of his forehead - where he presses against the carpet for his daily prayers . ( This mark is a badge of honor for Muslims , representing their strong faith . In fact , it 's reported that some go to the doctor to surgically add the prayer mark , to give the appearance of piety ) . He has farmer feet - blackened toenails and callouses . He offers to show us around . He takes us downstairs to the bathroom where worshippers wash themselves in the ritual known as " wah - doo " before each of the 5 daily prayers . Afterwards , Hassan declares that he loves God . He asks me if I love God , too . As a student at Fajr Center , I 've been conditioned by my Islamic tutor to repeat the phrase " La ilaha illa Allah wa Mohammedu Rasoolu Allah " ( there is no God but Allah and Mohammed is his messenger ) . So , I repeat it to Hassan . He 's delighted . He asks me , " Are you a Muslim ? " " Insha ' Allah ! " Or God Willing , I respond . The English equivalent is really " hopefully , " but sometimes in Arabic Insha ' Allah also means yes . We ask if there are other parts of the Mosque to see , so he shows us the women 's prayer room . He then opens his hand and motions toward his mouth in an eating gesture . I know what he wants : baksheesh , or tip . So , I dig into my pocket and gave him two pounds . We then start to walk upstairs again . He tells me to slow down as he 's an old man and he has pain in his feet and legs . He Posted by Meet Mahmoud , one of my four language exchange partners . At 21 , he is short , has a chocolate complexion , curly , black hair and a big smile with pearly white teeth . From Aswan , the southernmost city in Upper Egypt , Mahmoud studied some English in school , but never built a solid foundation . Mahmoud is the " office boy " at his company . That is to say , he is the coffee boy . In Egypt , offices generally have one or two people who prepare coffee or tea for the office staff . They also clean the office at the end of the day . I met Mahmoud through my friend Hazem , my first language exchange partner . Hazem told me that Mahmoud wanted to improve his English . For the past several months we have met twice a week for two hour language exchange sessions : an hour of English and an hour of Arabic . In our first session , I had to teach him basic grammar and review the alphabet with him . I very often feel my Arabic ability is about the same level as his English , so it is somewhat of a symmetrical match . Although Mahmoud is 21 , he sometimes behaves like a teenager . He giggles like a girl . And is fairly playful . Mahmoud makes about 400 LE ( $ 80 ) a month , which is a typical salary . He sends half of that to his family back home in Aswan . He lives in the office and doesn 't have much of a social life . In his 10 months in Cairo , he has never attended a party , so he expressed a strong desire to attend one . As I was preparing to host a small gettogether , I invited him ; however , he was afraid that there would be beer and hasheesh ( marijuana ) . Alcohol , of course , is forbidden for devout Muslims . Hasheesh is also frowned upon , in general . ( However , it is also the drug of choice for many young Egyptians . ) I told him that there would be small amounts of alcohol that some friends would bring , but there would be no hasheesh , as I am not a pothead . I tell him that President Jimmy Carter visited Cairo the previous night and spoke to the American University in Cairo ( AUC ) community about peace between Israel and her neighbors , especially Palestine . Posted by Men kiss men here , not women . It is very common to see men hold hands , or their arms locked as they walk down the street . In fact , a man will routinely rest his head on another man 's shoulder on a metro train . One time , I even saw one man sit on the lap of his male friend . A kiss from my supermarket managerCairo is a city that is adopting the ways of modernity , while holding onto its traditions . It is a place filled with modern amenities like supermarkets and theaters and shopping malls and jazz clubs . But at the same supermarket with 10 different types of cereals , the manager Wael introduces himself to his foreign customers . Shortly after I met him , he greeted me and pulled me in for an unexpected peck on the cheek , Yasser Arafat syle . It was sudden . And warm . And totally appropriate for a Cairo supermarket , yet completely alien to this foreigner . Wael now kisses me on the cheeks whenever he sees me . In fact , the last time he saw me , he kissed me three separate times within 5 minutes . This is unusual , even for an Egyptian . The doorman to the Fajr center , Abdul Al - Wahead , Servant of the ONE , now routinely kisses me on the cheeks whenever he sees me . His horse teeth protrude prominently from his wide smile . Perhaps , it is because of the one chat of 10 minutes that I had with him a few weeks ago , that he now treats me like a long time friend . My tutor Dr . Moustafa kisses me on the cheek whenever I do well in my lesson or understand the grammar ; this works out to be about once a week or so . At first , it was a bit awkward , to say the least . How to explain all this male - male bonding ? I 'm no sociologist , but as I seem to remember reading some time ago , whenever you cut off men from women and only limit them to other men , as is the case in much of the Arab world , then men will sublimate their desires ie they will redirect their desires to other men . Ahmed , another teacher at the Fajr center , came into the class today for a few moments to ask my tutor something . A tall gentleman in his mid 20s , he looks like a point gPosted by As Hallah , my Egyptian - American travel buddy and I leave Cairo by East Delta bus , the radio belts out an Umm Kalthoum tune intermingled with Quranic chants . Somehow , Mother Kalthoum , the songbird of the Middle East , is never far away in Egypt . Her rhythmic songs , which proceed slowly and are favorites of the older generation , repeat themselves - sometimes five to ten times - but in slightly varying degrees . She is perhaps the most famous dead singer in the Arab world . We depart on the 5 : 30pm bus and crawl through the desert until we arrive at 2 : 30am in Dahab in the Sinai Desert . On the bus , I meet Mataz , a call center trainer , who has excellent English . He is very happy that I have the Qu ' ran in my studies . I have the English version now , but hope to be able to read it in Arabic next year , I tell him . He gives me his phone number and asks me to contact him after my vacation so we can smoke sheesha , the water pipe . Detained at the Israeli BorderWhen we reach the Israeli side , I discover that I forgot my house key in the box by the metal detector . So , I return to retrieve my key , leaving Hallah alone in the hands of the Israeli interrogators . A young man , with a serious look , an earpiece , shirt and blue jeans begins to question her . I had warned her that she may be detained for several hours because of her Muslim background . He asks her detailed questions about her background , including - her grandfather 's name - where her family lives in Cairo - her itineraryAfter the exhaustive interrogation , the agent asks me one question : " That girl - is she family or friend ? " " Friend , " I respond . " Ok , you may go , " he commands me . However , Hallah is detained by the Israeli border agents for nearly 5 hours while they conduct a background check on her . Possible reasons ? Hmmm … . Her middle name is Ahmed . She 's Muslim . She 's studying in Egypt for the year . The other detainees consisted of : - Three Polish girls , one of whom visited Sudan . Their tour leader said he could only wait for them for one more hour and then had to leavePosted by
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March 24 , 2015 12 : 00 am / Leave a comment Vince Aiello grew up in upstate New York before moving to Southern California where he attended California Western School of Law . He is admitted to practice law in both New York and California . LEGION ' S LAWYERS is his third novel . His earlier novels , LEGAL DETRIMENT and THE LITIGATION GUY , were both acclaimed bestsellers . LEGION ' S LAWYERS , the latest thriller by Vince Aiello about the Legion law firm , dissects , in Aiello 's signature punchy style , the driving ambition within the firm and its deadly consequences . The firm 's head , Roger Legion , has appeared in Aiello 's previous books about the firm , LEGAL DETRIMENT and THE LITIGATION GUY . Readers have developed mixed reactions to Legion , who is both a brutal taskmaster and a great litigator . Love him or hate him , all look forward to his appearance in the story . Legion believes the courtroom is like a gladiatorial arena , where he will do whatever it takes to win . Aiello also writes a song for each of his books , which is featured in the story . The complete lyrics appear at the end of the books . For a scene in LEGION ' S LAWYERS , Aiello composed a song titled " All I Know . " A music video is pending , but the song can be heard on YouTube at https : / / www . youtube . com / watch ? v = Y11j7biCGus Legion 's Lawyers tells the story of the fictional , San Diego insurance defense law firm of Legion & Associates . The head of the law firm , Roger Legion , rules the law firm with an iron fist and he views the courtroom as an arena to slay an adversary . His methods are ingrained into his lawyers . A Mexican drug cartel tries to persuade him to provide them with assistance and when he refuses , it incites retaliation . The cartel is aided in their efforts by at least one of the lawyers in the firm . Who are your favorite characters in the story ? Roger Legion is the ultimate anti - hero . He is a military leader and a father figure . He will do whatever it takes to win , regardless if it is honest . In anger , he will throw a punch . He is fearless . " I realized that a law firm is like a principality . And I 'm the guy who leads the army . I have to be cruel , because that 's the only way I can command my lawyers ' absolute respect . " Roger Legion is extremely complex , but I am asked this question often . I believe Russell Crowe could play Roger Legion . For Rolf Adler , a sophisticated assassin , I believe that Chris Evans would be good . I would like Anna Kendrick to play Lisa Nastasi . No time to read right now . I just completed my forth book and I am in the editing process . I am also beginning the outline for my 5th book . Fifty Shades of Grey for its sales ( not content ) . With sales of that magnitude , your life as an author is changed forever . Plus , the clout in Hollywood is enormous . Thank you so for this interview , Joseph . Now that the book has been written , do you feel you were fairly portrayed or would you like to set anything straight with your readers ? I don 't read books ; such a tedious exercise . But I want to take this opportunity to say that I run clean , legitimate businesses . We do not tolerate or endorse violence . If everyone understands that , then we should have no problems . ' Colorizing my personality . ' Okay , that 's a good one . Listen , I 'm a family man . I got a daughter . She means the world to me . I hope that 's how that nut case , Travis , portrayed me , because nothing is as important as family . Travis ? I think he understands that . I think he understands a lot . If you could choose someone in the television or movie industry to play your part if your book was made into a movie , who would that be ( and you can 't say yourself ! ) ? You seen Frozen ? My daughter , she teaches third grade , took her whole class to see it . Made me watch it . Not bad for a ' toon . Maybe one of those cartoon characters could do me . I don 't want any flesh and blood pretending to be me . At what point of the book did you start getting nervous about the way it was going to turn out ? Again … I don 't know about the book , but I can tell you this : when Travis slammed me against the wall in my condo because he thought I insinuated that , well … you know … I knew his girlfriend , Kathleen ? Was I nervous ? Yeah . But - and he doesn 't know this , which is going to kill him because that smart - aleck thinks he knows everything - I was eating a cashew and it got stuck in my throat . So he 's thinking he 's putting the fear of god in me , and I 'm thinking , I hope I don 't choke on this thing . If you could trade places with one of the other characters in the book , which character would you really not want to be and why ? There 's this one guy and he 's cooked , you know . Way over his head . A shame , really . But he did it to himself . Don 't we all ? You know I live in downtown St . Petersburg unless I get called back to Chicago . You seen the winters there ? Travis is only fifteen minutes from me and that guy gets involved in some nasty stuff . I don 't know how he ended our story , but I 'd be surprised if it 's the end of our story . Susan and Jake had only spent one dinner together , but both felt an instant , overpowering attraction . Jake walked away . After all , he was - and is - committed to Kathleen . But having Susan in his life again could be dangerous : dangerous in more ways than one . As the case heats up and the danger escalates , Jake is forced to examine his moral boundaries . How far is he willing to go for the woman he loves ? At what cost ? And what about that question that has dogged him since the beginning of the case : was there another person on the beach that night ? February 5 , 2015 12 : 00 am / Leave a comment E . M . Powell is the author of medieval thriller The Fifth Knight , which was a # 1 Amazon Bestseller . Born and raised in the Republic of Ireland into the family of Michael Collins ( the legendary revolutionary and founder of the Irish Free State ) , she now lives in the northwest of England with her husband and daughter and a Facebook - friendly dog . She is a member of the Historical Novel Society ( HNS ) , International Thriller Writers and Romance Writers of America , as well as a reviewer of fiction and nonfiction for the HNS . England , 1176 . King Henry II has imprisoned his rebellious Queen for her failed attempt to overthrow him . But with her conspirators still at large and a failed assassination attempt on his beautiful mistress , Rosamund Clifford , the King must take action to preserve his reign . I had a very unusual route to debut publication . Thanks to my agent , the peerless Josh Getzler at HSG , The Fifth Knight was signed by Thomas & Mercer as a Kindle Serial in 2012 . Kindle Serials were an Amazon program where books were published in episodes ( in my case , six ) , each two weeks apart . The episodes were downloaded automatically to buyers ' Kindles . There was a discussion board for each episode and I gained loyal readers . The Serial version sold really well , and then was released as a complete book . Pretty much stunned ! I had been writing and trying to get published for ten years . Signing with an agent in 2012 was such a huge milestone for me . Then to get an offer in October , and then to have my story out there in November felt surreal . It was also strange in that I couldn 't actually get hold of the book while it went out as episodes . Kindle Serials were only available in the US , and I 'm in the UK . But my arms hurt . From pinching myself . A lot . I mentioned the discussion boards for Kindle Serials . So talking to readers and engaging with them was the first tangible thing . How lovely was that ? Getting feedback about each stage of my story was very exciting . But I had to be really , really careful about spoilers . That was fine at the start . But as the book went further on , it was tricky at times to remember exactly which events fitted into which episode . I consulted my notes so much ! Getting published has definitely boosted my confidence . I have also found my market , which is for medieval thrillers and mysteries . That in turn has helped to target my research in finding unusual ( sometimes gruesome ! ) aspects of history . The support and generosity of readers and other writers alike . I mean those people who take time out of their own busy lives to help support and spread the word about my books . It happens time and time again and it genuinely never fails to amaze me . I hope I reciprocate , but I always feel like I 'm in debt . Hearing from readers who have loved my books . I 'm an avid reader and the feeling of getting lost in a book , where the world fades away , is second to none . To think that I have done that for someone else is genuinely humbling and the absolute reward for me as a writer . Learn your craft . You wouldn 't expect to pick up a block of wood and carve it into a perfect , tiny version of the Statue of Liberty on your first attempt . But some folks can . Because they 're spent a long , long time learning to choose the right wood , the right tools . Rejecting clumsy versions . Cutting their fingers on the blade . Having their attempts crack or splinter because they carved wrongly . Yet they do it over and over again , learning all they can , until they produce the finished article . It 's the same with novel writing . So learn the craft . And never , ever give up . You 'll get there ! Sam and Amelia inadvertently come in conflict with the San Francisco mob boss after helping a crusading newspaper reporter who is working to expose corruption in Chinatown . Now a mysterious dark car follows the Slaters every where they go . Sam and Amelia discover a hidden world of corrupt cops , gambling parlors , brothels and human trafficking exists right under their noses . As Sam and Amelia pursue these cases , they discover that all the clues lead them back to Chinatown . The Slaters want to avoid taking on the San Francisco crime lords head - on . However , when Amelia is kidnapped in an alley during the Chinese New Year 's celebration , Sam plunges himself into danger desperately searching Chinatown to find her before it 's too late . Charlie 's boyish face reflected his angst as he absent - mindedly bit his lower lip and clenched his jaw . Young unfastened the top button on his white shirt and loosened his tie . He felt like he was choking to death . Clenching and unclenching his fists , Charlie scanned the area for any suspicious people lurking in the fading light . He had a nagging feeling , in spite of the precautions he had taken , that out there in the darkness , someone was watching . His eyes darted from side to side as he checked the rear view mirror for any sign of Sam . The sidewalks and the lush lawns surrounding the landmark conservatory were largely deserted at this hour on a winter evening . " I understand sir , but I 'm afraid I 'm being watched . I thought it was best that we meet under the cover of darkness . This is an isolated area of the park and I can see in both directions . " Sam disagreed and looked askance at the skittish cop sitting behind the wheel fidgeting and obsessively checking his rear view mirror . Sam was anxious to rid himself of Charlie Young and his problems . He hadn 't wanted to take this job anyway . The troubled young cop was worried that his wife was seeing another man . Sam hated these kinds of jobs and took it only as a favor to his friend , San Francisco Police detective , Vince Marino . Sam shielded his eyes to try to see the car , which veered out of the traffic lane and pulled up so close to the cop 's car that the driver 's side doors almost touched . Sam would later recall that the cop acted like he knew the person in the car because Charlie began to roll down his window . It was as if they were planning to talk . Five shots rang out in rapid succession . The young cop took the brunt of the gunfire and convulsed as the bullets slammed into his head and upper body . Sam scrambled for cover and tried to dive onto the floor of the car , but he didn 't fit , so he opened the passenger side door and rolled out on the damp grass by the curb . Sam 's face and overcoat were covered with blood and he felt sure that he had been hit . He sensed it . Sam had seen a lot of men shot during the war and his own time in combat terminated when he was wounded in Germany . He was a bloody mess and there had been bullets ricocheting all around the car . He pulled open his topcoat and feared the worst when he discovered blood splattered all over his suit jacket . Sam frantically looked for the source of all the blood in the faint light provided by the streetlight and the interior light of the car . Sam peered into the young cop 's car which was covered with blood . Charlie was slumped on his side and not moving . Sam crawled on his hands and knees to try to re - enter the car to see if he could help Charlie but it was obviously too late . The cop had been shot in the jaw on the left side of his face and Sam could also see a wound in his neck gushing blood . Charlie 's glassy eyes stared into the darkness . He was already dead . The man in the raincoat hustled toward a phone booth just outside the observatory . Sam was bewildered by the sudden turn of events . It was supposed to be a routine report about the cop 's wife . Sam never got to deliver good news for the Charlie Young . His wife wasn 't cheating on him . The sudden violent attack was the last thing Sam expected at the rendezvous in the park . The interior of the car was a gory mess with blood dripping from the interior roof of the car , the driver 's side window shot out and blood splattered on the windshield . Sam looked over his shoulder and saw the man in the raincoat in the phone booth . The police should arrive at any time . He was spooked just seconds before the shooting when he saw the car heading towards them with the high beam headlights on . Sam was surprised that the paranoid young cop seemed unfazed by the approaching car . It was like he recognized the car . Suddenly Sam felt a little woozy and tumbled back onto the grass , reclining while he awaited the arrival of the police . He pulled his silver cigarette case out of his pocket and attempted to wipe it clean with his hand . The inscription on the case was " To My Dearest Sam . All My Love , Amelia . " Sam 's thoughts turned to Amelia . He felt so lucky to be loved by her and the inscription reminded how much he cherished his life with her . A life that nearly ended just moments ago . October 15 , 2014 12 : 00 am / Leave a comment William R . Leibowitz has been practicing entertainment / media law in New York City for a number of years . He has represented numerous renowned recording artists , songwriters , producers and many of the leading record companies , talent managers , merchandisers and other notable entertainment businesses . At one point , he was the Chief Operating Officer / General Counsel for the Sanctuary Group of Companies , a U . K . public company that was the largest ' indie ' music company in the world ( prior to its acquisition by the Universal Music Group ) . A : There were two things that really excited me . When I received my first review on Amazon - which thankfully was a terrific review from a complete stranger , I felt that I actually was an author and that all of my hard work had been validated . This was very uplifting and emotional for me . The second thrilling moment was when I won Best Thriller 2014 from National Pacific Book Awards ; I was notified of the award while I was sitting on a New York City bus checking my email - I almost screamed out loud . A : I think the publishing industry sorely mismanaged its entry into the digital world - i . e . , e - books . There is no reason why the publishers should have lost control of pricing . The publishers unnecessarily yielded their power to the e - tailers . A tall figure wearing a black - hooded slicker walked quickly through the night carrying a large garbage bag . His pale face was wet with rain . He had picked a deserted part of town . Old warehouse buildings were being gutted so they could be converted into apartments for non - existent buyers . There were no stores , no restaurants and no people . He was disgusted with himself and disgusted with her , but they were too young to be burdened . Life was already hard enough . He shook his head incredulously . She had been so damn sexy , funny , full of life . Why the hell couldn 't she leave well enough alone ? She should have had some control . But he knew he hadn 't tried to slow her down either . He kept giving her the drugs and she kept getting kinkier and kinkier and more dependent on him and that 's how he liked it . She was adventurous and creative beyond her years . Freaky and bizarre . He had been enthralled , amazed . The higher she got , the wilder she was . Nothing was out of bounds . Everything was in the game . And so , they went farther and farther out there . Together . With the help of the chemicals . They were co - conspirators , co - sponsors of their mutual dissipation . How far they had traveled without ever leaving their cruddy little city . They were so far ahead of all the other kids . He squinted , and his mind reeled . He tried to remember in what month of their senior year in high school the drugs became more important to her than he was . And in what month did her face start looking so tired , her complexion prefacing the ravages to follow , her breath becoming foul as her teeth and gums deteriorated . And in what month did her need for the drugs outstrip his and her cash resources . He stopped walking and raised his hooded head to the sky so that the rain would pelt him full - on in the face . He was hoping that somehow this would make him feel absolved . It didn 't . He shuddered as he clutched the shiny black bag , the increasingly cold wet wind blowing hard against him . He didn 't even want to try to figure out how many guys she had sex with for the drugs . The puddle - ridden deserted street had three large dumpsters on it . One was almost empty . It seemed huge and metallic and didn 't appeal to him . The second was two - thirds full . He peered into it , but was repulsed by the odor , and he was pretty sure he saw the quick moving figures of rodents foraging in the mess . The third was piled above the brim with construction debris . Holding the plastic bag , he climbed up on the rusty lip of the third dumpster . Stretching forward , he placed the bag on top of some large garbage bags which were just a few feet inside of the dumpster 's rim . As he climbed down , his body looked bent and crooked and his face was ashen . Tears streamed down his cheeks and bounced off his hands . He barely could annunciate , " Please forgive me , " as he shuffled away , head bowed and snot dripping from his nose . William R . Leibowitz has been practicing entertainment / media law in New York City for a number of years . He has represented numerous renowned recording artists , songwriters , producers and many of the leading record companies , talent managers , merchandisers and other notable entertainment businesses . At one point , he was the Chief Operating Officer / General Counsel for the Sanctuary Group of Companies , a U . K . public company that was the largest ' indie ' music company in the world ( prior to its acquisition by the Universal Music Group ) . I am not as saintly as the author makes me out to be . I train our community to kill people with their minds , and I cannot save all the lost souls hurt by my father 's oppression . I should do more to escape his evil rule , and stop him ! He believes I 'm weak and I can never be as strong as he , and I think he may be right . But I should still try to stop him , even while he threatens to kill my sons if I don 't obey him ! And I know I 'm weak , because I 've never tried to stop my father 's hateful leadership because he is my father . Even while I hate him , part of me still loves him and yearns for his fatherly love that I once had as a child . I help others in my community . I save them from severe punishment , and even death , and in doing so put myself in the position to be punished by whipping . I can stand the whippings - if it means sparing the punished some pain . Those scars I can bear . The scars of my lost love , Rachel , and not knowing my sons sear my heart forever . In my community we are forced to breed as dictated by my father . This sickens me and so for years I pretended to be impotent , but lost my will just once at nineteen . She had been such a beautiful , sweet female . Rachel was her name and she pleased me across a sea of soft nights . I fell in love with her from that first night , possessing her body , soul , and mind . But our bond was soon severed . She was sent to mate with another … and then another and another . But she was already pregnant then with our twins I would never know , raised by a community of women . And I would never get to touch her again , until the day I led her to her death . You can read about my first love interest before I came to Oregon in The Dark Inside . When I was betrayed by an evil whore , my father was taken away , and I thought I 'd lose my sons forever . I grew so weary of helping everyone else and never helping myself . All seemed lost . Ben Fieldstone . He and I are very much alike . We both are willing to sacrifice all for our families , and for love . Yet he 's lucky as he got to be a father to his son , unlike me who 's been separated from my own sons . He also gets to love Laura , who is beautiful inside and out . I will always keep close in my heart the secret night I spent with her where we were forced together in an intimate space . We did not betray Ben , though it was difficult to not make love to her . My desire for her was - and is - very strong . Torn . I get a sense of hope , but what I also know about normal society drives fear in me that all may not go well . I am afraid of going from one prison to another prison of a different making . Please give me someone to love of my own choosing . Live has been so full of ugliness and loneliness these past few years . And let me watch my sons grow to become the amazing men I know they will become . When Caleb Madroc is used against his will as part of his father 's plan to breed a secret community and infiltrate society with their unique powers , he vows to save his oppressed people and the two children kept from him . Seven years later , Laura and Ben Fieldstone 's son is abducted , and they are forced to trust a madman 's son who puts his life on the line to save them all . The enemy 's desire to own them - or destroy them - leads to a survival showdown . Laura and Ben must risk everything to defeat a new nemesis that wants to rule the world with their son , and Caleb may be their only hope - if he survives . But must he sacrifice what he most desires to do so ? PRAISE FOR A HIDDEN ELEMENT : Donna Galanti writes murder and mystery with a dash of steam as well as middle grade adventure fiction . She is the author of books 1 and 2 in the paranormal suspense Element Trilogy , A Human Element and A Hidden Element , the short story collection The Dark Inside , and Joshua and The Lightning Road ( Books 1 and 2 , 2015 ) . She 's lived from England as a child , to Hawaii as a U . S . Navy photographer . She now lives in Pennsylvania with her family in an old farmhouse . It has lots of writing nooks , fireplaces , and stink bugs , but she 's still wishing for a castle again - preferably with ghosts . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! 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Cillian Kelly can look into people 's eyes and see their fates . He 's running from a past filled with mistakes , lying low and selling his services on the sly . When he learns that Sören Egilsson , a man who sacrificed himself so Cillian could escape imprisonment two years ago , is somehow still alive , Cillian has to find out how . What he gets is the body of the man he loves possessed by an ancient spirit who draws Cillian into a battle to the death for the right to control Sören 's fate , and the power that comes with it . I 've read most everything this author has written and I 'm a big fan of hers . That being said , I think this is my favorite book that she 's written . I was immediately drawn into this story and once I started it , I could not put it down . It 's a fairly short book but a lot happens . The blurb perfectly explains the plot . Cillian is living with his mother 's best friend and trying to keep a low profile . He 's been kidnapped in the past by people who want him to do bad things for them with his power . While he 's currently doing alright , Cillian lives with a horrible regret from his past that he can 't seem to let go . When the chance to right the wrongs he 's done comes up , Cillian jumps at the chance to make amends despite the danger to himself . This leads Cillian , Soren and an Icelandic land spirit that acts like a teenager , to head out across the United States on a crazy road trip . A road trip that includes bar fights , mobsters , roller coasters , paint ball fights , hand held missiles , cowboys , more ancient spirits , waffles and blowing stuff up . The plot is fast paced and super entertaining . This is the kind of story that would make a great movie . In addition to the fun plot , there are also a lot of emotions . The author was able to weave a complex emotional story between Cillian and Soren and it was a relationship I totally bought in to . I was rooting for these two the entire way . I loved Cillian as the main character but I think the author did a great job on all of the side characters too . There a lot of them but they are all fleshed out well and they are all unique and add purpose to the overall plot . The spirit was just as important as Soren and actually had more on page time . He stole every scene he was in with his petulant demands . He made me laugh out loud more than once . I think this book has something for everyone and will appeal to a lot of readers . It 's unique , romantic , funny and filled with great characters . This is one I would definitely recommend . While Brandon loves to go and watch his friend , Nichole , at The American Royal every year , there is no way that he is ever going to climb on a horse . His feet belong on the ground or the ice . As one the of the players of the local minor league team , the Wichita Thunder , all he dreams about is someday moving up to the major leagues . That is , until he meets Nichole 's brother , Brandon . Brandon grew up in a family that has always been in the rodeo circuit . There was no question that he was ever going to be anything else … until he 's sidelined by seizures and can no longer ride . Then he meets Ethan and he begins to wonder , that maybe , just maybe , his life isn 't over . I 'm a giant hockey fan and I 'll read pretty much anything if it has a hockey player in it . I picked this up because of that fact . I had never read this author before so I didn 't really know what to expect . This is a short story that was published before in an anthology . I liked the overall plot and I liked the two main characters . My biggest issue was that it was too short . There was a lot going on here . The reader is given a plot that has complicated backgrounds that incorporates dating pasts , familial relationships , careers , and health issues . I was interested in these things but the short page count left me feeling like nothing was complete and I had a million questions still at the end of the book . I would have preferred the author to either make this a longer , more detailed book , or have cut out a lot of the background detail . There is only so much that can be done in a short story in my opinion . Overall this was an average read . I didn 't dislike it but I didn 't love it either . It was my first time reading this author and I did enjoy it enough to try her again . Let me start off by saying that one , I think the synopsis didn 't quite get it right . I don 't feel that A Face without a Heart is a retelling of that fabulous and horrific Oscar Wilde tale , The Picture of Dorian Gray , is rather a modern day ode to Wilde by Reed . The author takes Wilde 's story of a beautiful man who bargains away his soul rather than see himself as anything less than the perfect image he sees displayed before him and gives it a Rick R Reed , hmmm , not twist perhaps but something similar enough as though the demon who visited Dorian came back and said , ' here 's another likely candidate . Let 's choose him . ' And did . If you 're not familiar with Oscar Wilde , or his story , The Picture of Dorian Gray , drop everything and go read everything you can by this man , including that one . First published in 1890 to great consternation and uproar , it holds up to this day , where its in release still . If you 're not and are looking for a romance , stop ! There 's not one to be found here unless its one man 's love for his own reflection at the cost of his soul . To keep that beauty intact , there 's nothing he won 't do , keep that in mind . Yes to the slow disintegration of a man and the appearances of what a life ill - used in every possible manner can look like on a painting ( Oscar Wilde ) or in this case a holographic portrait which was a very neat upgrade I must say by Rick R . Reed . From the moment Liam Howard , photographer and artist , sees the incandescent beauty of Gary Adrion , he wants him to pose for his holographic portrait . Gary 's an innocent . Until he see 's himself unveiled in all his perfection . The author chillingly carries us from moment to moment , in each character 's involvement with each other as they head towards this shattering unveiling that will shift all their lives forever and past to all its damning ramifications . There 's multiple pov here which works very well . We know what 's coming and still its effect is immediate and alive . And we know Gary 's innocence has fled . What follows is every bit as horrific and condemning of the ideas of eternal youth / beauty and lives lived empty of morality or worth to anyone but yourself as Oscar Wilde held forth in 1890 . Still true today ? You make up your own mind . I think Rick R . Reed has done a splendid job . I highly recommend this story if you are a lover of horror and a well written tale . Cillian Kelly can look into people 's eyes and see their fates . He 's running from a past filled with mistakes , lying low and selling his services on the sly . When he learns that Sören Egilsson , a man who sacrificed himself so Cillian could escape imprisonment two years ago , is somehow still alive , Cillian has to find out how . What he gets is the body of the man he loves possessed by an ancient spirit who draws Cillian into a battle to the death for the right to control Sören 's fate , and the power that comes with it . Soothsayer is not a traditional romance . It 's the embodiment of doing something in the name of love . With the added bonus of learning how the main characters reached that point in their relationship . Their love story is beautiful but unconventional . The book is narrated by Cillian in the first person . We see what he sees and experienced all his emotions . Even so , Cillian doesn 't get lost in internal monologues or " I 'm not good enough " rants . He knows his place in the world and accepts what faith had chosen for him . That doesn 't mean that he 'd not do everything in his power to align things in his favor . From the start , we are part of Cillian 's alter universe . He can be any tattooed guy walking around us . The world as we know it is the main setting , but the psychic current giving life to the characters exists in an underground civilization . They 're in touch with a different reality , and their abilities are a representation of that evolution . There are several terms to follow and different legends to learn about . And a good amount of suspension of disbelief is necessary , even for a paranormal story . Character introductions take the beginning of the story and can be a bit too long but necessary . As well as seeing Cillian in action . But all those events and circumstances have a role later in the story . It takes a while for the main characters [ Cillian & the Spirit ] to interact , and even longer for the main couple [ Cillian & Sören ] . The author did good balancing the amount of travel time and the events around it . Most stops are entertaining and the Spirit adds the necessary comedic relief . A lot of the twists and turns are kept hidden away from everyone , including the reader . The way the story resolution is achieved isn 't easily assumed . At least not completely , making the reader want to read faster . Overall , this is a nice story to read if you are looking for a different interpretation of paranormals and alternative universes . Soothsayer is different from other books and creates a niche of its own . The book has a solid HFN with the possibility for more stories , but there aren 't necessary . What we get is enough to satisfy the reader . Cillian Kelly can look into people 's eyes and see their fates . He 's running from a past filled with mistakes , lying low and selling his services on the sly . When he learns that Sören Egilsson , a man who sacrificed himself so Cillian could escape imprisonment two years ago , is somehow still alive , Cillian has to find out how . What he gets is the body of the man he loves possessed by an ancient spirit who draws Cillian into a battle to the death for the right to control Sören 's fate , and the power that comes with it . My phone buzzed , interrupting my musing . I frowned as I pulled it out of my jacket pocket . Only a dozen people had this number , and I wasn 't expecting to talk to any of them any time soon . I unlocked it and looked at my new message . My feet were moving even before my brain caught up , obedience was so instinctual . Two seconds later , I was out of the mouth of the alley , and three seconds after that , a beat - up silver sedan coming down the road was clipped by a delivery van and veered straight into the corner of the building . It wasn 't moving fast , thankfully , but the crash was plenty loud , especially since I was just a few feet away from the point of impact . A memory flashed through my mind , one of my personal rare and painful gems . I was in the backseat of an old Lincoln , and I was very small . My feet wouldn 't have touched the floor even if I hadn 't had my knees squished to my chest , and my face was pressed to the knobby joints so hard they were leaving red blotches on my cheeks . The man driving was on a phone - an old - school cell phone , clunky in his hand , distracting . He wasn 't paying attention , but I knew the moment before the car was hit and covered my head with my hands , so when I went flying into the door , it didn 't hurt as much . Metal crunched , and bright spots flashed across the darkness behind my eyelids as the car spun and spun … I shook my head and took a deep breath , focusing on the present . The van hadn 't stopped , but I didn 't bother trying to catch its license plate number ― there were plenty of people exclaiming and getting on their phones . I headed over to the driver 's side and opened the door , but didn 't reach in to touch the woman who had been driving . She was moving under her own power , picking her head up off the remains of her airbag and whimpering softly . " Oh my god , oh my god , oh my god … " " It 's all right , " I said gently . I might not be a martyr , but that didn 't mean I couldn 't feel compassion for another person , especially one who 'd just been thrown into a wall . " You 're okay . Just a little accident . There 's an ambulance coming to help you . " I could already hear it in the distance . We were only a few blocks from a major hospital . " Can you look at me for a moment ? " She blearily turned , and as soon as our eyes met , I sighed and backed out of the way . One of the employees at the auto - painting store took my place , and a second later - bam . The fucking Ace of Cups moment . Who found true love as a result of a car accident ? This wasn 't exactly the heartwarming scene I 'd envisioned getting me through the day earlier . " Are you all right ? " the newcomer asked frantically . " What 's your name ? I 'm Felix . I 'm gonna stay with you until the ambulance gets here , okay ? Oh Jesus , are you all right ? " For fuck 's sake . Well , at least the settlement from the trucking company would give them a nice nest egg to get their new place together . I turned away and walked to the end of the block before getting out my phone again and making a call . Captain Matt Spears learns this the hard way after a mysterious employer hires his ship to hunt down an ancient alien artifact but insists on providing his own pilot . Ryce Faine is handsome and smart , but Matt has rarely met anyone more obnoxious . With tensions running high , it isn 't until they are attacked by the hostile Alraki that Matt grudgingly begins to respect Ryce 's superior skills , respect that transforms into a tentative attraction . Little did he know that their biggest challenge would be reaching their destination , an abandoned alien base located on a distant moon amid a dense asteroid field . But when Matt learns that Ryce isn 't completely who he says he is and the artifact is more than he bargained for , he is faced with a difficult choice . One that might change the balance of forces in the known galaxy . Matt doesn 't take well to moral dilemmas ; he prefers the easy way out . But that might not be possible anymore , when his past comes back to haunt him at the worst possible moment . When faced with a notorious pirate carrying a personal grudge , the fragile connection Matt has formed with Ryce might be the only thing that he can count on to save them both . The low hum of music and the loud voices threatened to swallow his response . The Blue Giant was like any other canteen on any other small - time maintenance space station , offering cheap drinks and free talk , catering to drifters , smugglers , freelance pilots , and the dregs of every known society . The strong smell of synthetic spirits enveloped the crowded room in an almost tangible cloud . It really wasn 't the best location for conducting business , even over interstellar communications channels , but one could stand being cooped up in a spaceship for only so long . Matt ignored the noise best he could as he squinted at the commlink screen . This wasn 't a regular type of job , but then again , freelancers didn 't exactly have regular jobs . As it was , this one promised to be very well paying . His potential client had introduced himself as Mr . Ari , though Matt suspected it wasn 't his real name . They usually weren 't . At the moment , he was more concerned with Mr . Ari 's terms and conditions than with his identity , fake or otherwise . " This is nonnegotiable , " Ari said firmly . There was no image on - screen , just his computer - altered voice in the earpiece . " I require that my own pilot navigate your ship to destination . He 's the only one who will know the exact route and the details of the mission . I 'm merely hiring your ship to transport my man and provide him with assistance . " " It 's my ship and I 'm the only one flying her , " Matt said indignantly . " No way I 'll just let some stranger take over . Now , a passenger , that 's another matter . I 've nothing against passengers , so long as they 're nice and quiet . " And good - looking , but he wasn 't about to say that to the client 's face , or to the lack thereof , as the case was . But another pilot ? This was ridiculous . If the only thing this guy needed was a ship , there were much simpler alternatives than hiring Matt 's services . " As I 've said before , Captain , this job requires subtlety and a very specific set of skills , " Ari said . Even with the distortion , he somehow managed to make " Captain " sound like an insult . " Which , with all due respect , I doubt you possess . This is a salvage mission , and the location must remain a secret until you get there . To put it simply , you sit back , let my man do the job , get back safely , and collect the cash - as long as you keep your mouth firmly shut about any of this . I 've been told that your ship is fast and well equipped , and that you are discreet . I 'd hate to think that I 've been misinformed . " Matt took a long sip of his beer to stall for time . The beer had a distinct sour artificial aftertaste , but at least it was cold . " What kind of salvage ? " " Huh , " Matt grunted . The guy was definitely too well - spoken to be a scavenger ; on the other hand , off - world archaeological salvage ( if that was indeed Ari 's intent ) was usually done for strictly academic purposes and required government permits . Any other form of salvage , whether human or alien , was considered theft and was absolutely illegal . That and some other guy had to fly his ship ? There was no way in hell he 'd agree to that . This Mr . Ari could either fuck off or pay him way more than he was offering . " Well , you make it sound very tempting and all , but still . A pilot has his pride , you know . No one takes my seat , twenty thousand Fed - creds or no . " " Done , " Ari said with a finality that left Matt a little dizzy . He was sure Ari would balk at the asking price . He wondered belatedly whether he could have gotten away with being even bolder . " My pilot will meet you at Dock G5 in two hours . You 'll get twenty percent of your fee now , and the rest when the job is done . " " Agreed , " Matt said . How did this guy know exactly where his ship was ? Shit , he could hardly back down on the offer now . " I 'll send you the account number . " " Of course , " Matt said . Really , this was tedious . Every client thought they were the only one in the galaxy who had dirty secrets . He wouldn 't have been in this line of work for as long as he had if he couldn 't keep his mouth shut and his eyes averted . " What do you mean , ' intercept ' ? " Matt asked suspiciously . " Just to make it clear - I 'm a runner , not a mercenary . If it 's something dangerous - " Now he wanted him to report to the guy ? Matt was utterly and completely done with reporting to anybody for the rest of his life . He was more than capable of handling any situation , and he wasn 't about to play the chain - of - command game with his client 's representative . However , he kept it prudently to himself . You didn 't sass somebody who was willing to shell out all those credits . " My pleasure , " Matt said . He disconnected the call and sagged back into his chair , pushing away the beer . He had a very , very bad feeling . A voracious reader from the age of five , Isabelle Adler has always dreamed of one day putting her own stories into writing . She loves traveling , art , and science , and finds inspiration in all of these . Her favorite genres include sci - fi , fantasy , and historical adventure . She also firmly believes in the unlimited powers of imagination and caffeine . He was beautiful . Beauty is so seldom ascribed to men , too often incorrectly attributed to men with feminine features - wavy blond hair , fine cheekbones , teeth cut from porcelain . But I 've always thought of beauty as a quality that went deeper than the corporeal … something dark , dense , inexplicable , capable of stirring longings primal , longings one would be powerless to resist . He was beautiful . I sat on a Red Line " L " train , headed downtown , bags of heavy camera equipment heaped at my side , one arm resting protectively over them . I watched the young man , unable to train my thoughts on anything other than this man who had blotted out the reality of the day , magical and transforming . Beauty , especially so rare a beauty , can do that . The young man was an eclipse , his presence coming between myself and the reality of the day hurtling by outside train windows . I almost didn 't notice him . It wasn 't like me to pay much attention to what went on around me , especially when I was preparing for a shoot . Usually I used the time on the train to set up the photographs I would take , the way I would manipulate light and shadow and how it fell on my models , to arrange the props , set up and test the lighting . But something caused me to look up when the doors opened - perhaps I was struck by the dissonance created by the unknown language - and I saw him . Close - cropped brown hair , a bit of stubble framing full lips , a bruise fading to dull below his right eye . The bruise did not detract from the man 's beauty but served to enhance it , making of the rough features something more vulnerable . The bruise was the embodiment of a yearning for the touch of a finger , the whisper of a kiss . He wore an old , faded T - shirt with a Bulls logo , black denim cut off just above his knees , and a pair of work boots , the seam on the left beginning to separate . In spite of the workman 's garb , there was something intellectual about the man , an intensity in his aquamarine eyes that portended deeper thought . At that moment , I made a decision . I don 't know what caprice seized me . I have always led an orderly life , completely without surprise . But when the train pulled to a stop and the young man stood , I acted on an impulse that was as sudden as it was uncontrollable . He is the author of dozens of published novels , novellas , and short stories . He is a three - time EPIC eBook Award winner ( for Caregiver , Orientation and The Blue Moon Cafe ) . He is also a Rainbow Award Winner for both Caregiver and Raining Men . Lambda Literary Review has called him , " a writer that doesn 't disappoint . " Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! 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Sibel Edmonds began working for the FBI shortly after the Sept . 11 attacks , translating top - secret documents pertaining to suspected terrorists . She was fired in the spring of 2002 after reporting her concerns about sabotage , intimidation , corruption and incompetence to superiors . She first gained wide public attention in October of that year when she appeared on 60 Minutes on CBS and charged that the FBI , State Department , and Pentagon had been infiltrated by Turkish individuals suspected of ties to terrorism . On October 18 , 2002 , at the request of FBI Director Robert Mueller , Attorney General Ashcroft imposed a gag order on Ms . Edmonds , citing possible damage to diplomatic relations or national security . Edmonds is a key witness in a pending class - action suit filed by 9 / 11 families against the government . The following interview , conducted this past weekend for almost three hours by telephone , reveals sordid new details about U . S . intelligence practices . CD : Despite your media prominence , I don 't think readers know so much about you . So can you tell us a bit about yourself ? Are you from Turkey ? Or just of Turkish descent ? CD : But you speak excellent English - and with an American accent too . That 's why I thought maybe you were just of Turkish descent . So , how long were you in Turkey before coming to the U . S . ? SE : I had a pretty interesting upbringing . I was actually born in Iran , where I lived until I was two and a half . Then I lived in Turkey till I was 5 , then back in Iran till I was 11 . And then in Turkey again until I was 18 . SE : My father is Azerbaijani . He was a doctor during the Shah regime . After the revolution , they kept useful foreigners like him . During the Iran - Iraq war , he was taken to the front lines , and we weren 't allowed to leave the country . SE : Actually , I came as a student in 1988 . My idea was to study for three or four years and then go back to Turkey . But I guess you can 't plan life in advance - in my third year I met my future husband and ended up staying . SE : Well , I actually studied criminal justice with a major in psychology at George Washington University . When I was finishing in 1997 - 98 , I decided to apply for any kind of a job that would give me hands - on experience in criminal justice . I worked for the Alexandria [ Va . ] Juvenile Court , working with kids from a deprived background or who had been sexually abused or involved with drugs , etc . At that time I also thought I would apply with the FBI for a similar , hands - on job . SE : Well , no , the process actually took a very long time . There was the linguistic proficiency test , forms to fill out , urine and blood samples and polygraph tests - the whole works . Then they said they 'd need to do background checks , which would take anywhere from nine to 15 months , and finally they would call me to let me know about my application . And that was the last I heard from them for two or three years . SE : Well I just went on with my life . I did other things . Sheerly out of curiosity , one day in January or February of 2001 I called the FBI up to see what had happened . They put me on hold , checked certain things , then came back on the line , and apologized profusely . Apparently , my application - along with 150 others - had been lost or had disappeared during the past couple years . SE : Actually , it was not headquarters we 're talking about , it was the Tyson 's Corner office where I 'd taken the exam . Apparently they had moved within the same office complex , and maybe the files were lost then . Anyway , they were very apologetic and nice about it . SE : No , they found some information about me remaining on one of their computers . And they promised they would speed up the background check process . But I told them , " look , I can 't work for you now , " because after all , my life had moved on at that point . Nevertheless they said they would get back to me later . And so on September 14 , 2001 , I got a call asking how soon I could start work in their Washington field office . At the time I got their call , I was studying full - time and also working a part - time job . But in the wake of 9 / 11 , with the government on television almost begging for qualified personnel , it was almost like - like duty calling , you know ? So I went and met with them . When I explained my situation and other responsibilities they tried to be very flexible , saying I could work whatever hours I wanted , nights , weekends , whatever . That 's how desperate they were for qualified translators . I got a job as a " contract " translator , which allowed more flexibility than if they hired me full - time . SE : No . I was literally thrown out of the building . They even didn 't give me time to take all my family photos and personal items from my desk . I 'm 5 foot 4 and 100 pounds , and you had all these big burly guys forcibly taking me out of the building . It was absurd . SE : Yes . This guy , one of my superiors , tried to act tough and threatened me that if I said anything to the press , the congress or even a lawyer , " the next time I see you will be in jail . " I replied , " well , I maybe in jail , but I won 't be the one behind bars . " SE : It was the worst at the beginning but then they saw they could do nothing . Right before the 60 Minutes interview , for example , they threatened that I would go to jail if I talked to the media , a senator or attorney . But that was all hot air . The strangest thing was when the Turkish government issued an arrest warrant for my middle sister . I have the translated version , allegedly she was to be arrested for " high - level national security matters . " Come on ! My middle sister worked for KLM Airlines . She didn 't even read newspapers - the most apolitical person I know . SE : The FBI 's Washington translation center is located about three blocks from headquarters , and is the largest and most important one of its kind in the country . They don 't have centers like that in the L . A . or New York offices , for example . So this gigantic department is basically a connected room containing 200 to 250 translators , all working side by side , at very close quarters . SE : Oh , a lot of languages . Certain departments had 25 to 30 translators . Some only had two . It was based on the perceived importance of the language in question . Now the FBI has two kinds of translators - " linguists " and " monitors . " The first are more highly qualified , can do the whole range of translating whether it be from documents , audio , verbatim , detainee interviews , etc . The latter , because their proficiency levels were lower in either English or the target language , and because they had obtained lower scores in one of the two exams , had a more limited role . For example , they weren 't allowed to do verbatim translations , but more like summaries . SE : For Turkish and Azerbaijani I was , yes . But since I hadn 't been practicing Farsi for practically 25 years , I was just allowed to be a monitor in that language . I passed all the FBI exams in written Farsi , but not all for speaking . So I didn 't do , say , live interviews . SE : Most of our immediate supervisors were former translators who became bureaucrats . They handled things like time sheets , insurance , and making travel arrangements for us when we would have to travel . But yes , I did work on a daily basis with special agents . SE : Well , the one special agent I worked with most frequently was from the local office , but also there were agents from FBI offices all over the country . They flooded us with urgent translation requests , especially dealing with assignments and investigations begun before 9 / 11 , and connected with 9 / 11 , but that had been neglected before . Close to 75 percent of my assignments then had to do with pre - 9 / 11 intelligence . SE : Yes , I went to other cities , for example to perform translations for detainees who did not speak English . Let 's say an agent in Chicago has a detainee suspected of terrorist involvement , they need to know if he should be kept or released . If he doesn 't speak much English it can be hard to know . So you need translators . CD : People have disparaged the job and position as being " low - level . " But from this , it sounds like very important work . Did you ever feel the agents were depending on you ? SE : Well , just think about it : if they don 't know the language , they are not in a position to make decisions . You are . You 're going through thousands of pieces of evidence , and have to decide which ones to do verbatim , which ones to summarize , which ones to throw away as being irrelevant . I mean , a transcript about someone 's sex life is not particularly useful . But there might be important clues hidden in some at first glance not very interesting text . So the translator has to sift out what 's important , before the analysts and agents even see it . The whole place is like that . It 's like the Twilight Zone in there - you have to keep the Pakistani translators on one side of the room and the Indians on the other , or they will come to blows . You have to keep the Hebrew translators separated from the Arabic ones , and so on . It 's so unprofessional it 's ridiculous . Most of the time people spend trying to dig up dirt on one another . Really . SE : As far as I saw , yes , everyone was a naturalized citizen . And I understand that some of these guys had only been in the country for , like , four or five years . So they can 't have been able to do really detailed background checks on all of them . SE : For the record , I have to say that most of these agents were really , really good and they did their best despite all the nonsense and bureaucratic obstructions . But they can 't be expected to be really successful if they don 't have the right background . There was this one guy I worked with , he had formerly done the drug beat in L . A . and then was transferred to counter - intelligence . He was a great agent , but since he didn 't have the right political and cultural background , he couldn 't understand the translated texts in their proper context . And you also have to be up - to - date [ on developments taking place in the country where the target language is spoken ] . So I had to give him little notes explaining what it all meant . SE : It 's so funny . You would think that that was supposed to be the job of the analysts . That the information would go first from the translators then to the analysts for color commentary , then finally to the agents to be acted on . SE : A very few translators worked like I did - basically , the few people who actually cared . But also , note that the majority of agents didn 't even realize they needed to understand more than the raw translated text to know what they should do next . So , a lot of times very important information was overlooked , simply because no one recognized its significance . SE : Yes . Certain investigations I contributed to as a translator were successfully concluded by our agents . On one occasion , the intelligence agency of a certain foreign country sent a commendation letter to the agent I was partnered with , because they had taken an action based on information he had provided them - information which ultimately derived from me . CD : In your October 25 2002 interview with 60 Minutes , " Lost in Translation , " you charged the FBI with incompetence and greed - and also of allowing infiltration by foreign intelligence outfits . Some of these charges have also been substantiated by other sources , both congressional and from inside the bureau . For example , there 's the Guantanamo Bay Turkish - English translator who actually didn 't know either language very well , Kevin Taskasen , I believe ? And he worked with you at some point ? SE : Kevin was from Turkey . He had met an American woman there , married her , and moved to America . But his lower - elementary - school - level English was only enough to get him a job as a busboy / dishwasher in a restaurant . SE : Yes , he had made a deal with this woman , Kevin 's wife . She had approved all of his extended family members to work for the FBI translations center , and so she then asked to do the same with her poor husband . And I can 't really blame him at all , he was just a nice guy who dreamed of opening his own restaurant . But that 's not likely to happen when you 're working as a busboy for $ 6 . 50 an hour . SE : Correct . In light of what she 'd done for him , the deal was that he [ the Arabic supervisor ] would turn a blind eye to her poor husband 's incompetence for 3 years . He agreed and in October 2001 it started . Again , I can 't blame Kevin . He would be coming to me every five minutes asking , " What does this word mean ? " He was really trying , but he was struggling because he just didn 't know English well enough . So I ended up having to do his work for him too . SE : Yes . I went to them and asked , " what is he doing here ? " But nothing was done and only a few months later , in February of 2002 , he was given a TDY [ travel assignment ] - to translate the testimony of Turkic - speaking detainees at Guantanamo Bay , Cuba . When told of this assignment , Kevin stood in front of all the other translators . He was crying , and said , " I can 't do it , I just can 't . " I told him to go to the boss - and just say no , if he didn 't feel capable . But he didn 't . CD : Come on ! One would think that for the marquis interrogation center in the war on terror , the government would send only the best and brightest . Why did they even think of sending him ? SE : Aside from sending Kevin , the FBI had only two options , neither of them good for them . They could send me , as I was the only qualified Turkish linguist , but this raised a red flag considering that I had already started to make a fuss about how the game was being played . Their other choice was to humbly ask the NSA or DIA or another agency to borrow a Turkish - language translator . But they couldn 't do this because there is all this intra - agency competition . None of them would ever let it look like their people weren 't as good as the other agencies ' . So it was partly a matter of pride . SE : He didn 't come back till mid - April [ 2002 ] . But surely while there he had heard information he wasn 't able to convey properly in English . Maybe clues about 9 / 11 , or about future terrorist attacks in the works . Or maybe information proving that some detainees had been wrongfully imprisoned . That 's another thing . What if a military detainee is on trial ? You have to , you simply have to double - check the translations that are being used as evidence against the detainee . After all , you might be sending someone to his death based on faulty evidence ! But all too often , they just put the stamp of approval on anything that says " FBI translation , " because that is supposed to indicate automatically a certain unassailable level of quality . SE : No . After all that , he is back in Washington D . C . , and is the head of the Turkish department in the FBI translations center . As far as I know , he is the only Turkish - speaking translator there now . Even after all this . SE : Yes , but you have to look at it from their perspective . What if they let him go , and he starts talking about what he knows ? Either way , it 's about control . If they fire someone , they might either corroborate my story , or even release documents that could prove damning for the FBI … it works out to be more of a liability for them to fire someone than to keep them in the office , where they can continue to compromise our national security . " [ Y ] ou have [ a ] network of people who obtain certain information and they take it out and sell it to … whomever would be the highest bidder . Then you have people who would be bringing into the country narcotics from the East , and their connections . [ It ] is only then that you really see the big picture . " SE : You might have an organization supposed to be promoting the cultural affairs of a certain country within another country . Hypothetically , say , an Uzbek folklore society based in Germany . The stated purpose would be to hold folklore - related activities - and they might even do that - but the real activities taking place behind the scenes are criminal . SE : That may be , but I don 't know . I didn 't get high enough up on the ladder to find out . With all of this suspicious and unprecedented " state secrets " obstructionism from Ashcroft , it might seem that way , but I don 't have any direct information . SE : I can 't say anything specific with regards to these departments , because I didn 't work for them . But as for the politicians , what I can say is that when you start talking about huge amounts of money , certain elected officials become automatically involved . And there are different kinds of campaign contributions - legal and illegal , declared and undeclared . SE : But how are the ends possibly met by such activities ? To this day , I just can 't see how . What is happening does not benefit 99 . 9 percent of Americans - just a very small elite . Okay , perhaps talking about the pre - 9 / 11 world they could get away with saying " we didn 't know , " but to continue doing so - I mean , what if we are attacked by nuclear or chemical weapons , what will be their next excuse ? That " we didn 't know " it could happen ? Come on ! I can prove they are lying , because they know . CD : Right . So let 's discuss your specific experiences of criminal infiltration in the FBI , for example when one of your co - workers , Jan [ originally " Can " ] Dickerson , and her husband tried to recruit you into a criminal network that had infiltrated high levels of the U . S . government . SE : Alright , sure . SE : Yes , from Turkey , and she met her husband there , Douglas - Major Douglas Dickerson , that is . He was in the U . S . Air Force , stationed in Ankara . They met in 1991 and stayed in Turkey till 1994 or 1995 . Then they went to Germany , where he was stationed after , for two or three years . And then they came to the U . S . in 1999 . SE : [ Laughter ] Yes , right , countries like these and some Middle Eastern countries . CD : And what about after Turkey ? When they went to Germany ? SE : Of course . But also from Europe , Central Asia , etc . And this organization had branches throughout these places , in the U . S . , Germany , and several other countries . One day in December [ 2001 ] , my husband and I were at our home in Alexandria , Va . , when the doorbell rang . It was Jan and Doug Dickerson . They also lived in Alexandria , so I didn 't think of it as suspicious at first . I think the point for her was to introduce her husband to mine . We invited them in for coffee , and - SE : No , actually she herself did not . It was the husband who started talking about this semi - legitimate organization : " Hey , have you ever heard of this group ? " he said , casually mentioning this organization to my husband . He replied , " Yeah , I know about them . " And I started sweating , because I knew this organization was under FBI investigation , and I was by law not allowed to discuss anything about it with my husband . SE : Correct . And so my husband was kind of surprised , you know , because this wasn 't the sort of group just anyone could belong to . " But I thought you had to be such and such a person , with such and such connections and references to get in , " my husband was saying . And then Major Douglas Dickerson smiled and pointed at me . " All you have to do is tell them where your wife works and what she does , and they will let you in like that , " he said [ snapping his fingers ] . They wanted to sell me for the information I could provide , basically . SE : I reported it two days later to my direct supervisor , a former Arabic translator . He told me he would file it immediately with the security department . This was in December 2001 . When nothing happened , I pursued the matter with a special agent who had also been getting suspicious about some of Jan Dickerson 's translations . When we finally got through to the security department , they said they 'd never been notified in the first place about my complaint . I have all of the dated documents , emails , etc . , still to prove it . SE : I reported some of the suspects ' names higher up as I came across them in our investigation . And you know what ? Within two weeks , they had all left the country . Just vanished . CD : So what happened after ? As far as I know , Jan Dickerson has quit the FBI and re - located to Belgium . Was she forced out when your story broke ? Did she flee ? And is her husband still in the Air Force ? SE : I assume that at the time of that conversation in our house , in December 2001 , Douglas Dickerson was in the USAF because finally in August of the next year , the USAF held a formal investigation and confirmed this . This was a major violation of his high - level security clearance . By law he is required to report it if his wife or family members are involved with illegal activities . But at the unclassified meeting between the senators and FBI being held then , the former were in utter disbelief when the FBI admitted Jan Dickerson had been working for this semi - legitimate organization since long before she joined the bureau . " But how ! ? " asked the senators . You know what their answer was ? " Well , she didn 't write down any previous employers on her application . " SE : Correct . She didn 't just neglect to mention that job , aside from others she put down . She just left the whole box blank ! As if she had never worked a day in her life ! SE : Look , it took me a year and a half to get my background check performed . And that after filling out the complete application - at the bottom of which it states that failure to fill out the form correctly will result in a cash fine and jail term for perjury . A federal crime . So based on that alone , even aside from her other activities , Jan Dickerson should have been prosecuted ! CD : But instead she was hired - and kept on even after things heated up . There 's something very , very suspicious about all this , especially considering the way Kevin Taskasen was hired . Do you believe another official on the inside , part of that crime ring , brought her in ? SE : I recently met with a reliable source who confirmed that Melek Can Dickerson was hired and granted TSC [ top security clearance ] without having to go through a background check / investigation , and that in light of [ infamous FBI double - agent Robert ] Hanssen the bureau is doing all it can to keep it quiet . Still , I have plenty of unanswered questions : why ? By whom ? In those few months , she managed to mark every file that mentioned this , these targets , [ the Turkish suspect ] as " not pertinent . " Hundreds of files . Finally , this special agent working on the case got suspicious , and he tasked me with re - translating all of these documents . SE : A long time . There 's really no time limit with the big criminal and counter - intelligence investigations , versus the counter - terrorism ones . These are investigations we 'd never do anything about - SE : [ Laughing ] Because it would hurt certain foreign relations abroad , of course … and they don 't want that . So even after 3 , 000 people lost their lives on 9 / 11 , those behind these very lucrative illegal activities get a free pass . And they refuse to continue important investigations because of certain diplomatic relations that 99 . 9 percent of Americans gain no benefits from . SE : Sure . They used what we call the " hooking " procedure . When I first reported some of these translations failures and stalling tactics in December 2001 to my superiors , my mid - level manager said to me , " Now , Sibel , I understand you 've been taking on a lot of coursework at your university . Why not take advantage of our workplace opportunities ? " When I asked him what he meant , this boss suggested that I could " bring my school bag " to work on Saturdays and Sundays , and just study . No work . I wouldn 't even have to turn on my computer . He told me that I should then put myself down as having worked all those hours on the time sheet , so that , you know , I would be making something like $ 700 in a weekend - specifically for not working ! SE : That 's funny , there is another really amazing example . They would come to me and say , " Sibel , we understand you 've been going back to Turkey a couple of times a year to visit family . Before you go the next time , just let us know . We 'll make it a TDY " [ paid travel ] . And all I 'd have to do is stop off in some liaison office in Ankara a couple times , make my little appearance , and suddenly all my flights , hotels and expenses would be paid for by the FBI . I couldn 't believe what I was hearing . SE : Oh , so many people will go for it … but if you do , then they [ the FBI ] can use it against you . Maybe discover irregularities in your expenses at some later date , " forged " documents , or else just hold it over your head . They love to do things like that to hold you in their power . On another occasion when I complained about working conditions and practices , they actually offered to hire and train me as SA , special agent ! I still have a copy of that offer . I said , " I 'm not here to ask for a promotion , I 'm trying to make a complaint ! " Then they would just change the topic . They would go to any length possible to avoid accountability . SE : My case originally began in June of 2002 , when I filed a First Amendment and Privacy lawsuit against the Department of Justice . In two unclassified meetings in June and July , eight people from two senators met with three FBI officials , including Margaret Gullota , who is still in charge of the FBI languages department . At these meetings , the FBI admitted that all of my charges were accurate . The memos taken down by Senators Grassley and Leahy , two very senior senators , confirmed this . That 's very damning for [ the FBI ] . SE : A classified meeting must be held in a secure room known as a SCIF ( Sensitive Compartmented Information Facility ) , you know , a room swept for bugs , checked for wiretaps , and everyone in there has to have top security clearance . But this wasn 't the case in June and July 2002 . They didn 't follow any of these procedures in the meetings with the senators , because they were never requested to be classified by the FBI in the first place . So now all they can say is , " Whoops , those meetings should have been classified , " and thus try to classify them after the fact . However , the big law firm Motley Rice subpoenaed me in April of this year , as part of their lawsuit on behalf of family members of the 9 / 11 victims . Motley Rice wanted copies of all the memos those senators had written during that unclassified meetings in 2002 . But as soon as they even listed some of the questions they were planning to ask me , it was suddenly " state secrets " time . John Ashcroft - you can expect anything from that man - has now broken the law in trying to silence me . I have been speaking out for over two years , but only now is he saying " everything about Sibel Edmonds is classified . " It 's ridiculous . So , returning to the subpoena , I was scheduled to appear on April 27 . Two days before , the DOJ started kicking and screaming to hold an emergency proceeding . This was the first time ( on April 26 ) that I had the privilege of going before the judge President Bush had appointed , Reggie Walton . He was not the first judge who had been appointed to the case . Their tactic was to pass it around from judge to judge to make sure the case would never begin . Judge Walton has now sat on it for two years . SE : Well , on June 24 they filed an appeal . But , oh , my case is so messy and complicated . Judge Walton then set a hearing date for June 14 , but of course he cancelled it two days later . Now he has said , and I can be verbally exact : " Tentatively , we will have a hearing on July 9 , 2004 . " But it 's not going to happen . They 're going to drag this thing out . The judge has liberty to sit on it as long as he wants . SE : Correct . We have had no progress . Except , now others are joining up . For the past two weeks , we have had new support from the Project On Government Oversight ( POGO ) and Citizen Watch . However , only the first of these criteria was met - Ashcroft did indeed give the order . But the second criterion was obviously impossible - so many websites , newspapers and TV had long ago published all of the material relating to my case . It was and is everywhere . There is nothing " reasonably recoverable " about it . SE : I 'm authorized under law to testify in secret , in a secure room [ SCIF ] before a congressman . But if that congressman believes that national security overrides secrecy , he can put my testimony out there . That 's what happened with Daniel Ellsberg . Senator Gravel poured out everything he had said before the congress because it was in the interests of the country . These people like John Ashcroft are actually endangering our national security by destroying civil liberties with such things as the Patriot Act . They are just cowards . They lack guts . SE : No , I haven 't given up . I hope that there is at least one person in the congress who will convey my testimony in public . But I 'm really starting to believe that the best way to do it is through the press . I recently briefed Congress Waxman ( CA ) , again gave him all the information , but nothing so far . I went back into the SCIF , a black hole into which all information disappears and never comes out . Boy , if only those walls could talk . SE : The amount of sh * t you get exposed to on the inside strips you of any innocence you may have had . In an analogy , take the war on drugs . They say they 're fighting drugs and keeping America safe by attacking the low - level dealers and addicts on the street - but leaving the big - time , well - connected dealers alone . That is just disgusting . SE : I 'd rather be a watchdog - you know , someone who would push Congress to follow their duties and exercise some oversight . It 's really incredible , when I asked a congressman 's staff whether they have oversight , they say , " Well … we do , but we don 't . " When I asked what that meant , he said , " Well , we can make a statement , but the DOJ doesn 't listen to us . " Then don 't say you have it , if you don 't ! SE : Well , maybe someday , but not until all of these legal battles are finished and everything is done . But these past two years I 've been staying away from anything that can even remotely be seen as cashing in - the old " oh , she 's out to make a profit from this " type of accusation . It 's very frustrating for the government that they haven 't been able to smear my name . SE : Yes , that 's one of the first things they try . To dig up dirt . They have their own ways of doing it - to look into your background , check any arrest record , if you 've lied somewhere , etc . But they haven 't been able to do that in my case and it is very frustrating for them . SE : Well , just winning the suit is not enough . As long as the Justice Department considers this information related to my case a " state secret , " they will use everything they can to quash it . Even if the judge rules and says no state secrets privileges can be granted , the DOJ will still buy time by appealing . So this will most likely be a long and difficult battle . SE : Well , as for agencies I guess the DOJ , FBI , State Department . But in a way these agencies get some kind of immunity when you charge them like this … I hate to see how a lot of agents get stigmatized in this . Most of the field agents I met in the FBI were good , honest and hardworking individuals . They were trying to do their best , but up against this ingrown bureaucracy - this is where you have the problem , as will as with certain elected officials . SE : They 're afraid of information , of the truth coming out , and accountability - the whole accountability issue that will arise . But it 's not as complicated as it might seem . If they were to allow the whole picture to emerge , it would just boil down to a whole lot of money and illegal activities .
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Sibel Edmonds began working for the FBI shortly after the Sept . 11 attacks , translating top - secret documents pertaining to suspected terrorists . She was fired in the spring of 2002 after reporting her concerns about sabotage , intimidation , corruption and incompetence to superiors . She first gained wide public attention in October of that year when she appeared on 60 Minutes on CBS and charged that the FBI , State Department , and Pentagon had been infiltrated by Turkish individuals suspected of ties to terrorism . On October 18 , 2002 , at the request of FBI Director Robert Mueller , Attorney General Ashcroft imposed a gag order on Ms . Edmonds , citing possible damage to diplomatic relations or national security . Edmonds is a key witness in a pending class - action suit filed by 9 / 11 families against the government . The following interview , conducted this past weekend for almost three hours by telephone , reveals sordid new details about U . S . intelligence practices . CD : Despite your media prominence , I don 't think readers know so much about you . So can you tell us a bit about yourself ? Are you from Turkey ? Or just of Turkish descent ? CD : But you speak excellent English - and with an American accent too . That 's why I thought maybe you were just of Turkish descent . So , how long were you in Turkey before coming to the U . S . ? SE : I had a pretty interesting upbringing . I was actually born in Iran , where I lived until I was two and a half . Then I lived in Turkey till I was 5 , then back in Iran till I was 11 . And then in Turkey again until I was 18 . SE : My father is Azerbaijani . He was a doctor during the Shah regime . After the revolution , they kept useful foreigners like him . During the Iran - Iraq war , he was taken to the front lines , and we weren 't allowed to leave the country . SE : Actually , I came as a student in 1988 . My idea was to study for three or four years and then go back to Turkey . But I guess you can 't plan life in advance - in my third year I met my future husband and ended up staying . SE : Well , I actually studied criminal justice with a major in psychology at George Washington University . When I was finishing in 1997 - 98 , I decided to apply for any kind of a job that would give me hands - on experience in criminal justice . I worked for the Alexandria [ Va . ] Juvenile Court , working with kids from a deprived background or who had been sexually abused or involved with drugs , etc . At that time I also thought I would apply with the FBI for a similar , hands - on job . SE : Well , no , the process actually took a very long time . There was the linguistic proficiency test , forms to fill out , urine and blood samples and polygraph tests - the whole works . Then they said they 'd need to do background checks , which would take anywhere from nine to 15 months , and finally they would call me to let me know about my application . And that was the last I heard from them for two or three years . SE : Well I just went on with my life . I did other things . Sheerly out of curiosity , one day in January or February of 2001 I called the FBI up to see what had happened . They put me on hold , checked certain things , then came back on the line , and apologized profusely . Apparently , my application - along with 150 others - had been lost or had disappeared during the past couple years . SE : Actually , it was not headquarters we 're talking about , it was the Tyson 's Corner office where I 'd taken the exam . Apparently they had moved within the same office complex , and maybe the files were lost then . Anyway , they were very apologetic and nice about it . SE : No , they found some information about me remaining on one of their computers . And they promised they would speed up the background check process . But I told them , " look , I can 't work for you now , " because after all , my life had moved on at that point . Nevertheless they said they would get back to me later . And so on September 14 , 2001 , I got a call asking how soon I could start work in their Washington field office . At the time I got their call , I was studying full - time and also working a part - time job . But in the wake of 9 / 11 , with the government on television almost begging for qualified personnel , it was almost like - like duty calling , you know ? So I went and met with them . When I explained my situation and other responsibilities they tried to be very flexible , saying I could work whatever hours I wanted , nights , weekends , whatever . That 's how desperate they were for qualified translators . I got a job as a " contract " translator , which allowed more flexibility than if they hired me full - time . SE : No . I was literally thrown out of the building . They even didn 't give me time to take all my family photos and personal items from my desk . I 'm 5 foot 4 and 100 pounds , and you had all these big burly guys forcibly taking me out of the building . It was absurd . SE : Yes . This guy , one of my superiors , tried to act tough and threatened me that if I said anything to the press , the congress or even a lawyer , " the next time I see you will be in jail . " I replied , " well , I maybe in jail , but I won 't be the one behind bars . " SE : It was the worst at the beginning but then they saw they could do nothing . Right before the 60 Minutes interview , for example , they threatened that I would go to jail if I talked to the media , a senator or attorney . But that was all hot air . The strangest thing was when the Turkish government issued an arrest warrant for my middle sister . I have the translated version , allegedly she was to be arrested for " high - level national security matters . " Come on ! My middle sister worked for KLM Airlines . She didn 't even read newspapers - the most apolitical person I know . SE : The FBI 's Washington translation center is located about three blocks from headquarters , and is the largest and most important one of its kind in the country . They don 't have centers like that in the L . A . or New York offices , for example . So this gigantic department is basically a connected room containing 200 to 250 translators , all working side by side , at very close quarters . SE : Oh , a lot of languages . Certain departments had 25 to 30 translators . Some only had two . It was based on the perceived importance of the language in question . Now the FBI has two kinds of translators - " linguists " and " monitors . " The first are more highly qualified , can do the whole range of translating whether it be from documents , audio , verbatim , detainee interviews , etc . The latter , because their proficiency levels were lower in either English or the target language , and because they had obtained lower scores in one of the two exams , had a more limited role . For example , they weren 't allowed to do verbatim translations , but more like summaries . SE : For Turkish and Azerbaijani I was , yes . But since I hadn 't been practicing Farsi for practically 25 years , I was just allowed to be a monitor in that language . I passed all the FBI exams in written Farsi , but not all for speaking . So I didn 't do , say , live interviews . SE : Most of our immediate supervisors were former translators who became bureaucrats . They handled things like time sheets , insurance , and making travel arrangements for us when we would have to travel . But yes , I did work on a daily basis with special agents . SE : Well , the one special agent I worked with most frequently was from the local office , but also there were agents from FBI offices all over the country . They flooded us with urgent translation requests , especially dealing with assignments and investigations begun before 9 / 11 , and connected with 9 / 11 , but that had been neglected before . Close to 75 percent of my assignments then had to do with pre - 9 / 11 intelligence . SE : Yes , I went to other cities , for example to perform translations for detainees who did not speak English . Let 's say an agent in Chicago has a detainee suspected of terrorist involvement , they need to know if he should be kept or released . If he doesn 't speak much English it can be hard to know . So you need translators . CD : People have disparaged the job and position as being " low - level . " But from this , it sounds like very important work . Did you ever feel the agents were depending on you ? SE : Well , just think about it : if they don 't know the language , they are not in a position to make decisions . You are . You 're going through thousands of pieces of evidence , and have to decide which ones to do verbatim , which ones to summarize , which ones to throw away as being irrelevant . I mean , a transcript about someone 's sex life is not particularly useful . But there might be important clues hidden in some at first glance not very interesting text . So the translator has to sift out what 's important , before the analysts and agents even see it . The whole place is like that . It 's like the Twilight Zone in there - you have to keep the Pakistani translators on one side of the room and the Indians on the other , or they will come to blows . You have to keep the Hebrew translators separated from the Arabic ones , and so on . It 's so unprofessional it 's ridiculous . Most of the time people spend trying to dig up dirt on one another . Really . SE : As far as I saw , yes , everyone was a naturalized citizen . And I understand that some of these guys had only been in the country for , like , four or five years . So they can 't have been able to do really detailed background checks on all of them . SE : For the record , I have to say that most of these agents were really , really good and they did their best despite all the nonsense and bureaucratic obstructions . But they can 't be expected to be really successful if they don 't have the right background . There was this one guy I worked with , he had formerly done the drug beat in L . A . and then was transferred to counter - intelligence . He was a great agent , but since he didn 't have the right political and cultural background , he couldn 't understand the translated texts in their proper context . And you also have to be up - to - date [ on developments taking place in the country where the target language is spoken ] . So I had to give him little notes explaining what it all meant . SE : It 's so funny . You would think that that was supposed to be the job of the analysts . That the information would go first from the translators then to the analysts for color commentary , then finally to the agents to be acted on . SE : A very few translators worked like I did - basically , the few people who actually cared . But also , note that the majority of agents didn 't even realize they needed to understand more than the raw translated text to know what they should do next . So , a lot of times very important information was overlooked , simply because no one recognized its significance . SE : Yes . Certain investigations I contributed to as a translator were successfully concluded by our agents . On one occasion , the intelligence agency of a certain foreign country sent a commendation letter to the agent I was partnered with , because they had taken an action based on information he had provided them - information which ultimately derived from me . CD : In your October 25 2002 interview with 60 Minutes , " Lost in Translation , " you charged the FBI with incompetence and greed - and also of allowing infiltration by foreign intelligence outfits . Some of these charges have also been substantiated by other sources , both congressional and from inside the bureau . For example , there 's the Guantanamo Bay Turkish - English translator who actually didn 't know either language very well , Kevin Taskasen , I believe ? And he worked with you at some point ? SE : Kevin was from Turkey . He had met an American woman there , married her , and moved to America . But his lower - elementary - school - level English was only enough to get him a job as a busboy / dishwasher in a restaurant . SE : Yes , he had made a deal with this woman , Kevin 's wife . She had approved all of his extended family members to work for the FBI translations center , and so she then asked to do the same with her poor husband . And I can 't really blame him at all , he was just a nice guy who dreamed of opening his own restaurant . But that 's not likely to happen when you 're working as a busboy for $ 6 . 50 an hour . SE : Correct . In light of what she 'd done for him , the deal was that he [ the Arabic supervisor ] would turn a blind eye to her poor husband 's incompetence for 3 years . He agreed and in October 2001 it started . Again , I can 't blame Kevin . He would be coming to me every five minutes asking , " What does this word mean ? " He was really trying , but he was struggling because he just didn 't know English well enough . So I ended up having to do his work for him too . SE : Yes . I went to them and asked , " what is he doing here ? " But nothing was done and only a few months later , in February of 2002 , he was given a TDY [ travel assignment ] - to translate the testimony of Turkic - speaking detainees at Guantanamo Bay , Cuba . When told of this assignment , Kevin stood in front of all the other translators . He was crying , and said , " I can 't do it , I just can 't . " I told him to go to the boss - and just say no , if he didn 't feel capable . But he didn 't . CD : Come on ! One would think that for the marquis interrogation center in the war on terror , the government would send only the best and brightest . Why did they even think of sending him ? SE : Aside from sending Kevin , the FBI had only two options , neither of them good for them . They could send me , as I was the only qualified Turkish linguist , but this raised a red flag considering that I had already started to make a fuss about how the game was being played . Their other choice was to humbly ask the NSA or DIA or another agency to borrow a Turkish - language translator . But they couldn 't do this because there is all this intra - agency competition . None of them would ever let it look like their people weren 't as good as the other agencies ' . So it was partly a matter of pride . SE : He didn 't come back till mid - April [ 2002 ] . But surely while there he had heard information he wasn 't able to convey properly in English . Maybe clues about 9 / 11 , or about future terrorist attacks in the works . Or maybe information proving that some detainees had been wrongfully imprisoned . That 's another thing . What if a military detainee is on trial ? You have to , you simply have to double - check the translations that are being used as evidence against the detainee . After all , you might be sending someone to his death based on faulty evidence ! But all too often , they just put the stamp of approval on anything that says " FBI translation , " because that is supposed to indicate automatically a certain unassailable level of quality . SE : No . After all that , he is back in Washington D . C . , and is the head of the Turkish department in the FBI translations center . As far as I know , he is the only Turkish - speaking translator there now . Even after all this . SE : Yes , but you have to look at it from their perspective . What if they let him go , and he starts talking about what he knows ? Either way , it 's about control . If they fire someone , they might either corroborate my story , or even release documents that could prove damning for the FBI … it works out to be more of a liability for them to fire someone than to keep them in the office , where they can continue to compromise our national security . " [ Y ] ou have [ a ] network of people who obtain certain information and they take it out and sell it to … whomever would be the highest bidder . Then you have people who would be bringing into the country narcotics from the East , and their connections . [ It ] is only then that you really see the big picture . " SE : You might have an organization supposed to be promoting the cultural affairs of a certain country within another country . Hypothetically , say , an Uzbek folklore society based in Germany . The stated purpose would be to hold folklore - related activities - and they might even do that - but the real activities taking place behind the scenes are criminal . SE : That may be , but I don 't know . I didn 't get high enough up on the ladder to find out . With all of this suspicious and unprecedented " state secrets " obstructionism from Ashcroft , it might seem that way , but I don 't have any direct information . SE : I can 't say anything specific with regards to these departments , because I didn 't work for them . But as for the politicians , what I can say is that when you start talking about huge amounts of money , certain elected officials become automatically involved . And there are different kinds of campaign contributions - legal and illegal , declared and undeclared . SE : But how are the ends possibly met by such activities ? To this day , I just can 't see how . What is happening does not benefit 99 . 9 percent of Americans - just a very small elite . Okay , perhaps talking about the pre - 9 / 11 world they could get away with saying " we didn 't know , " but to continue doing so - I mean , what if we are attacked by nuclear or chemical weapons , what will be their next excuse ? That " we didn 't know " it could happen ? Come on ! I can prove they are lying , because they know . CD : Right . So let 's discuss your specific experiences of criminal infiltration in the FBI , for example when one of your co - workers , Jan [ originally " Can " ] Dickerson , and her husband tried to recruit you into a criminal network that had infiltrated high levels of the U . S . government . SE : Alright , sure . SE : Yes , from Turkey , and she met her husband there , Douglas - Major Douglas Dickerson , that is . He was in the U . S . Air Force , stationed in Ankara . They met in 1991 and stayed in Turkey till 1994 or 1995 . Then they went to Germany , where he was stationed after , for two or three years . And then they came to the U . S . in 1999 . SE : [ Laughter ] Yes , right , countries like these and some Middle Eastern countries . CD : And what about after Turkey ? When they went to Germany ? SE : Of course . But also from Europe , Central Asia , etc . And this organization had branches throughout these places , in the U . S . , Germany , and several other countries . One day in December [ 2001 ] , my husband and I were at our home in Alexandria , Va . , when the doorbell rang . It was Jan and Doug Dickerson . They also lived in Alexandria , so I didn 't think of it as suspicious at first . I think the point for her was to introduce her husband to mine . We invited them in for coffee , and - SE : No , actually she herself did not . It was the husband who started talking about this semi - legitimate organization : " Hey , have you ever heard of this group ? " he said , casually mentioning this organization to my husband . He replied , " Yeah , I know about them . " And I started sweating , because I knew this organization was under FBI investigation , and I was by law not allowed to discuss anything about it with my husband . SE : Correct . And so my husband was kind of surprised , you know , because this wasn 't the sort of group just anyone could belong to . " But I thought you had to be such and such a person , with such and such connections and references to get in , " my husband was saying . And then Major Douglas Dickerson smiled and pointed at me . " All you have to do is tell them where your wife works and what she does , and they will let you in like that , " he said [ snapping his fingers ] . They wanted to sell me for the information I could provide , basically . SE : I reported it two days later to my direct supervisor , a former Arabic translator . He told me he would file it immediately with the security department . This was in December 2001 . When nothing happened , I pursued the matter with a special agent who had also been getting suspicious about some of Jan Dickerson 's translations . When we finally got through to the security department , they said they 'd never been notified in the first place about my complaint . I have all of the dated documents , emails , etc . , still to prove it . SE : I reported some of the suspects ' names higher up as I came across them in our investigation . And you know what ? Within two weeks , they had all left the country . Just vanished . CD : So what happened after ? As far as I know , Jan Dickerson has quit the FBI and re - located to Belgium . Was she forced out when your story broke ? Did she flee ? And is her husband still in the Air Force ? SE : I assume that at the time of that conversation in our house , in December 2001 , Douglas Dickerson was in the USAF because finally in August of the next year , the USAF held a formal investigation and confirmed this . This was a major violation of his high - level security clearance . By law he is required to report it if his wife or family members are involved with illegal activities . But at the unclassified meeting between the senators and FBI being held then , the former were in utter disbelief when the FBI admitted Jan Dickerson had been working for this semi - legitimate organization since long before she joined the bureau . " But how ! ? " asked the senators . You know what their answer was ? " Well , she didn 't write down any previous employers on her application . " SE : Correct . She didn 't just neglect to mention that job , aside from others she put down . She just left the whole box blank ! As if she had never worked a day in her life ! SE : Look , it took me a year and a half to get my background check performed . And that after filling out the complete application - at the bottom of which it states that failure to fill out the form correctly will result in a cash fine and jail term for perjury . A federal crime . So based on that alone , even aside from her other activities , Jan Dickerson should have been prosecuted ! CD : But instead she was hired - and kept on even after things heated up . There 's something very , very suspicious about all this , especially considering the way Kevin Taskasen was hired . Do you believe another official on the inside , part of that crime ring , brought her in ? SE : I recently met with a reliable source who confirmed that Melek Can Dickerson was hired and granted TSC [ top security clearance ] without having to go through a background check / investigation , and that in light of [ infamous FBI double - agent Robert ] Hanssen the bureau is doing all it can to keep it quiet . Still , I have plenty of unanswered questions : why ? By whom ? In those few months , she managed to mark every file that mentioned this , these targets , [ the Turkish suspect ] as " not pertinent . " Hundreds of files . Finally , this special agent working on the case got suspicious , and he tasked me with re - translating all of these documents . SE : A long time . There 's really no time limit with the big criminal and counter - intelligence investigations , versus the counter - terrorism ones . These are investigations we 'd never do anything about - SE : [ Laughing ] Because it would hurt certain foreign relations abroad , of course … and they don 't want that . So even after 3 , 000 people lost their lives on 9 / 11 , those behind these very lucrative illegal activities get a free pass . And they refuse to continue important investigations because of certain diplomatic relations that 99 . 9 percent of Americans gain no benefits from . SE : Sure . They used what we call the " hooking " procedure . When I first reported some of these translations failures and stalling tactics in December 2001 to my superiors , my mid - level manager said to me , " Now , Sibel , I understand you 've been taking on a lot of coursework at your university . Why not take advantage of our workplace opportunities ? " When I asked him what he meant , this boss suggested that I could " bring my school bag " to work on Saturdays and Sundays , and just study . No work . I wouldn 't even have to turn on my computer . He told me that I should then put myself down as having worked all those hours on the time sheet , so that , you know , I would be making something like $ 700 in a weekend - specifically for not working ! SE : That 's funny , there is another really amazing example . They would come to me and say , " Sibel , we understand you 've been going back to Turkey a couple of times a year to visit family . Before you go the next time , just let us know . We 'll make it a TDY " [ paid travel ] . And all I 'd have to do is stop off in some liaison office in Ankara a couple times , make my little appearance , and suddenly all my flights , hotels and expenses would be paid for by the FBI . I couldn 't believe what I was hearing . SE : Oh , so many people will go for it … but if you do , then they [ the FBI ] can use it against you . Maybe discover irregularities in your expenses at some later date , " forged " documents , or else just hold it over your head . They love to do things like that to hold you in their power . On another occasion when I complained about working conditions and practices , they actually offered to hire and train me as SA , special agent ! I still have a copy of that offer . I said , " I 'm not here to ask for a promotion , I 'm trying to make a complaint ! " Then they would just change the topic . They would go to any length possible to avoid accountability . SE : My case originally began in June of 2002 , when I filed a First Amendment and Privacy lawsuit against the Department of Justice . In two unclassified meetings in June and July , eight people from two senators met with three FBI officials , including Margaret Gullota , who is still in charge of the FBI languages department . At these meetings , the FBI admitted that all of my charges were accurate . The memos taken down by Senators Grassley and Leahy , two very senior senators , confirmed this . That 's very damning for [ the FBI ] . SE : A classified meeting must be held in a secure room known as a SCIF ( Sensitive Compartmented Information Facility ) , you know , a room swept for bugs , checked for wiretaps , and everyone in there has to have top security clearance . But this wasn 't the case in June and July 2002 . They didn 't follow any of these procedures in the meetings with the senators , because they were never requested to be classified by the FBI in the first place . So now all they can say is , " Whoops , those meetings should have been classified , " and thus try to classify them after the fact . However , the big law firm Motley Rice subpoenaed me in April of this year , as part of their lawsuit on behalf of family members of the 9 / 11 victims . Motley Rice wanted copies of all the memos those senators had written during that unclassified meetings in 2002 . But as soon as they even listed some of the questions they were planning to ask me , it was suddenly " state secrets " time . John Ashcroft - you can expect anything from that man - has now broken the law in trying to silence me . I have been speaking out for over two years , but only now is he saying " everything about Sibel Edmonds is classified . " It 's ridiculous . So , returning to the subpoena , I was scheduled to appear on April 27 . Two days before , the DOJ started kicking and screaming to hold an emergency proceeding . This was the first time ( on April 26 ) that I had the privilege of going before the judge President Bush had appointed , Reggie Walton . He was not the first judge who had been appointed to the case . Their tactic was to pass it around from judge to judge to make sure the case would never begin . Judge Walton has now sat on it for two years . SE : Well , on June 24 they filed an appeal . But , oh , my case is so messy and complicated . Judge Walton then set a hearing date for June 14 , but of course he cancelled it two days later . Now he has said , and I can be verbally exact : " Tentatively , we will have a hearing on July 9 , 2004 . " But it 's not going to happen . They 're going to drag this thing out . The judge has liberty to sit on it as long as he wants . SE : Correct . We have had no progress . Except , now others are joining up . For the past two weeks , we have had new support from the Project On Government Oversight ( POGO ) and Citizen Watch . However , only the first of these criteria was met - Ashcroft did indeed give the order . But the second criterion was obviously impossible - so many websites , newspapers and TV had long ago published all of the material relating to my case . It was and is everywhere . There is nothing " reasonably recoverable " about it . SE : I 'm authorized under law to testify in secret , in a secure room [ SCIF ] before a congressman . But if that congressman believes that national security overrides secrecy , he can put my testimony out there . That 's what happened with Daniel Ellsberg . Senator Gravel poured out everything he had said before the congress because it was in the interests of the country . These people like John Ashcroft are actually endangering our national security by destroying civil liberties with such things as the Patriot Act . They are just cowards . They lack guts . SE : No , I haven 't given up . I hope that there is at least one person in the congress who will convey my testimony in public . But I 'm really starting to believe that the best way to do it is through the press . I recently briefed Congress Waxman ( CA ) , again gave him all the information , but nothing so far . I went back into the SCIF , a black hole into which all information disappears and never comes out . Boy , if only those walls could talk . SE : The amount of sh * t you get exposed to on the inside strips you of any innocence you may have had . In an analogy , take the war on drugs . They say they 're fighting drugs and keeping America safe by attacking the low - level dealers and addicts on the street - but leaving the big - time , well - connected dealers alone . That is just disgusting . SE : I 'd rather be a watchdog - you know , someone who would push Congress to follow their duties and exercise some oversight . It 's really incredible , when I asked a congressman 's staff whether they have oversight , they say , " Well … we do , but we don 't . " When I asked what that meant , he said , " Well , we can make a statement , but the DOJ doesn 't listen to us . " Then don 't say you have it , if you don 't ! SE : Well , maybe someday , but not until all of these legal battles are finished and everything is done . But these past two years I 've been staying away from anything that can even remotely be seen as cashing in - the old " oh , she 's out to make a profit from this " type of accusation . It 's very frustrating for the government that they haven 't been able to smear my name . SE : Yes , that 's one of the first things they try . To dig up dirt . They have their own ways of doing it - to look into your background , check any arrest record , if you 've lied somewhere , etc . But they haven 't been able to do that in my case and it is very frustrating for them . SE : Well , just winning the suit is not enough . As long as the Justice Department considers this information related to my case a " state secret , " they will use everything they can to quash it . Even if the judge rules and says no state secrets privileges can be granted , the DOJ will still buy time by appealing . So this will most likely be a long and difficult battle . SE : Well , as for agencies I guess the DOJ , FBI , State Department . But in a way these agencies get some kind of immunity when you charge them like this … I hate to see how a lot of agents get stigmatized in this . Most of the field agents I met in the FBI were good , honest and hardworking individuals . They were trying to do their best , but up against this ingrown bureaucracy - this is where you have the problem , as will as with certain elected officials . SE : They 're afraid of information , of the truth coming out , and accountability - the whole accountability issue that will arise . But it 's not as complicated as it might seem . If they were to allow the whole picture to emerge , it would just boil down to a whole lot of money and illegal activities .
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I am a 38 - year - old woman with cystic fibrosis . I am also a daugher , sister , wife , mother , teacher and friend . Most importantly I 'm God 's child . This blog is about my life including the challenges and blessings of living with cystic fibrosis , my faith , my family , and more ! It 's time for a health update and this is not the one I thought I would be giving ! I had a really great winter , getting only two viruses that I was able to recover from without excessive difficulty . I was so excited as the calendar flipped from March to April , and as we sailed through May I thought for sure I was in the clear . I was dreaming of reaching new heights and regaining some lung function this summer after not battling with a myriad of bugs all winter . A few weeks ago , however , I started to notice increased shortness of breath . I was keeping up with all my normal activities , but suddenly exercise , yard work , chasing Lucas around , and other things of that nature became more difficult . My seasonal allergies are bad at this time of year so I assumed those allergies were irritating my asthma and I wasn 't too concerned . I headed to a routine pulmonary appointment the last week of May and was surprised when my breathing test revealed that my lung function had dropped from 38 % to 34 % . I had no other signs of illness or infection , so my doctor put me on five days of steroids hoping that would reduce the apparent inflammation and get me back on track . I experienced a little reprieve while on the steroids but still wasn 't feeling right , so I contacted him again last week . He put me back on the steroids and added oral antibiotics to address any infection that might be locked up and hiding in my lungs . On Friday I went in for a check and was dismayed to see that my lung function , rather than rebounding , had dropped an additional four points to 30 % . Cystic fibrosis can be puzzling . Most of the time when my lung function drops , it 's because I 'm sick and I know it . Usually it starts with a virus and moves to a CF - related secondary infection . My lungs fill with mucus , my airways swell , I struggle to breathe , and I can 't wait to get relief . But this time , I feel pretty decent . I do have the shortness of breath that I mentioned earlier and my lungs have been achy , but overall I have been feeling fine and handling all my regular activities . There was nothing obvious to account for this big drop and that makes it even more unnerving . My doctor explained that although I wasn 't exhibiting any classic signs of infection , infection is still the number one cause of a drop in lung function . The fact that I wasn 't responding to steroids probably means that although my asthma is always a component of my struggles , it wasn 't the main player in this situation . My doctor ordered a chest x - ray to rule out anything else unexpected , but that came back clear . So we have circled back to the notion of an infection . This one is hidden , yet waging war on my lungs all the same . To quote Farmer Boggis , " Dang and blast ! " Dang and blast and a lot of other emotions too . A kind of numbness settled in at first . I just couldn 't understand it . Next , frustration . Moments like this shatter any fleeting feeling of security I may dare to believe I have . Getting through the winter unscathed was such a victory - a victory I was reveling in and so grateful for . Yet here I am with my lung function lower than it has ever been before . After a bit the frustration moved aside and the grief set in - waves of sadness swelling up and washing over me as the fears gripped my heart . My lungs are functioning at only 30 % . It 's so scary . Times like this always bring emotional struggle . It 's never just a physical battle . It 's necessary to experience the disappointment , the frustration , and the sadness and face the fears . The emotions never fit into a neat little box . There is no scheduling myself 36 hours to get over it . Friday night was rough but Saturday I felt better . Sunday I woke up in the wee hours of the morning feeling heart - broken . But in the midst of the sadness and frustration I knew it was time to get to work . The tables need to be turned . It is time to wage war against this infection . This battle has two fronts : the physical and the emotional . Waging war means doing everything in my power . Jaime and I started doing manual percussion on my chest in addition to my normal airway clearance . Monday afternoon I headed to the hospital to get a PICC line placed and I started an IV antibiotic on Tuesday morning . My buddy the treadmill and I have been spending time together each day as currently , brisk walking has been the only thing that makes me cough mucus out . To balance off the treadmill work , I 've been resting more in the afternoons . These afternoon rests are made possible by the arrival of my sister Julie from Tennessee ! She got here Wednesday and will be staying through Monday to help me with chores , play with Lucas , give me moral support , and make a bad situation a heck of a lot better . She 's helping me with the physical aspect of this war but also helping all of us get through it emotionally . Fighting on the emotional front means a few things for me . First of all , I am committed to continue on with as much of my life and daily routines as possible . The PICC line is so great that way . There are some restrictions , but nothing too limiting . I 've been spending time in my garden . Nature feeds my soul . I 've been picking Lucas up from school and running an errand with him here and there . Most importantly , I 'm trying to keep my eyes off my circumstances and on my Creator . He is the one who calms my fears and speaks peace and comfort to my heart . While I was on the treadmill the other day , a song came on that I haven 't heard for quite some time . The words were fitting . They go like this : These troubling circumstances are a lot to handle . These mountains are too high for me and these oceans too rough . The hurt and fear are at times more than I can bear . But none of it is too much for God , and I know my life is safe in His hands . He holds me and watches over my life . And best of all , He has already won the war . L : Don 't worry , I 'll pray for you ! Dear Jesus , please help Mommy be brave to run on the treadmill so she can get all better . We love you , thanks , in Jesus Name , Amen . There . Do you feel much braver now ? Friday , September 9th was clinic day for me . It had been three months since I 'd been in to see my CF doctor . That means that for the past three months , I 've felt good enough that I didn 't need any visits outside of my routine check ups . I really like my doctor and I 'm pretty sure he likes me too , but we were seeing way too much of each other over the winter months . I didn 't feel too nervous leading up to the appointment , not until right before my breathing test . Then sure enough , I felt my heart rate start to rise . There are just so many nerves when it comes to that test . I have felt healthy and strong all summer which is the most important thing , but you just never know what that FEV1 number will be . It 's hard not to be anxious . In the end I scored a 39 % . It would have been great to see a big jump since I 'm feeling far stronger and healthier than I did three months ago when I scored 38 % , but I 've been through this enough times to moderate my expectations . It didn 't go down so we 'll call it a success ! Everything else checked out great - my heart rate returned to normal after the test , my oxygen saturation was good , my lungs sounded clear , and my blood pressure was normal . All good signs of health . My doctor was very pleased with how I was doing and was especially happy to hear about my exercise tolerance which he reminded me ( again ) was just as if not more important than what my FEV1 says . He also brought to my attention that in spite of several illnesses over the winter , my FEV1 stayed stable during and after the illness and didn 't dip like it did with my struggles in the winter of 2015 . Stability is a wonderful , wonderful thing when you struggle with a chronic and progressive disease like CF . I am so grateful . Which brings me to my next update - Operation Lace Up ! A few months ago I wrote that I had achieved my goal of running two miles without stopping but I intended to work on diminishing the amount of time it takes me to get through those two miles . At the time I was running them in about 26 . 5 minutes . Well … I 'm still running them in about 26 . 5 minutes . I did start working on reducing my speed as planned , but I found that when I pushed myself even a little bit harder , I was getting over tired and not having energy for the other things I wanted to do . I took a step back and reevaluated my goal . I decided to continue to run two miles three times per week at the slower pace and to shoot for increasing my overall level of activity by getting 10 , 000 steps or more every day ( which my Fitbit measures ) , workout days included . The summer is a great time to be active , and specifically this summer , I had a lot of work I wanted to do on the exterior of the house after being bitten by the Clean Window Perspective bug . I had areas in the yard I wanted to spruce up and Jaime and I decided this was the summer to paint our house . I 'm sure I don 't have to tell you that yard work and painting are physically challenging to someone with reduced lung function , but I love doing these types of jobs ! The sides of our house and the perimeter in the back were overgrown with weeds , so I set out to clear the weeds and move rocks from the back to the sides where they could be more useful for weed management . I 'm not done yet , but things are shaping up nicely . Here are a few photos … You maybe wondering what Lucas was up to while I was doing all this work . As you can see , he helped us paint ( for a few minutes ) but it took some creativity to keep him occupied most of the time . I put up a tent which I filled with books for him , turned on the sprinkler , even filled a snow sled with water . ( Think portable bathtub ) . Working outdoors ( and going back indoors a hundred times to get the other book or bath toy that Lucas wanted ) really racked up those steps ! So far I have been successful with my goal and am on a 75 - day streak of getting 10 , 000 steps or more . I feel like this increased level of daily activity has improved my energy and stamina which I 'm very happy about . Fall is here now and winter is coming , so I 'm sure it will be more difficult to keep it up from here on out . But I 'm up for the challenge 🙂 The day after Labor Day was Lucas 's first day of school for this year . He is attending a half day Young Fives program at an elementary school in our district . A few weeks before school started he told me he was so excited for school to start ! I wasn 't sure I believed him . Up until now , he has been very reluctant to embrace any changes in his life . However , the first day of school dawned , and he really was ready to go ! Jaime drops Lucas off at school each morning , and after they were packed up and on their way that first day , I headed back downstairs to start my morning treatments and therapy . I was anxiously awaiting a phone call or text from Jaime to hear how it went . About 20 minutes later I got this photo : Lucas had walked right in , sat down , and got right to work on a pasta necklace . No tears , no clinging , no nervousness . Just a cheerful , " Bye , Dad ! " When I picked him up three hours later , he was all smiles and excitement . And he is still all smiles and excitement three weeks later . He is eager to go each morning , and he 's been on time every day . Well , almost every day . His morning chauffeur overslept once and they were a few minutes late . Lucas tells me all the time he loves school . We couldn 't be more pleased ! His best friend in the class is a boy named Beckett . They play chasing games at recess together every day . I 've noticed that Lucas and Beckett are the only two kids dripping with sweat when I come for pick up . He has never once used the bathroom at school . He disapproves of public restrooms and the classroom bathroom is no exception . Thankfully he can get through three hours without going . Lucas loves playing with his own classmates but doesn 't like it when additional classes are on the playground . Apparently there are some loud girls in the other Young Fives class . He doesn 't approve . The class did a unit with Jan Brett 's book The Gingerbread Baby which Lucas loved . Being a teacher myself , I happened to have a copy in my office . I brought it up and it found its way into our bedtime story lineup . It 's a very long book . Jaime is still mad at me . I heard Lucas quoting a line from Froggy 's First Day of School by Jonathan London after his teacher read it the other day . I have that one in my office too . I plan to bring it up after I 'm sure Jaime has forgiven me for The Gingerbread Baby . Lucas hopes to be in Young Fives for a very long time . Jaime told him one morning that it was his last day of school ( meaning for the week ) and Lucas got teary . He was relieved to hear there were still approximately 175 school days left . We are so pleased with how this year has gone so far , and proud of our big boy for making such a smooth transition to five school days a week . Jaime was exhausted after the first few days of getting the two of them out the door on time , but they 've settled into a routine and it 's gotten easier . And for me , the schedule is heavenly . I can sleep until 8 : 00 most mornings . I then have three hours after they leave before I need to head out . I can get through my treatments and therapy in peace . By the time I 'm through those and I 've eaten breakfast and gotten ready for the day , I usually have 45 minutes to play with . It 's great to get a load of laundry folded , some tutoring preparations done , make some phone calls , or run a quick errand solo before I 'm reunited with my bundle of energy . And once he 's back home , we still have plenty of afternoon hours for our adventures . It 's great . Young Fives . We all love it . This time of year always stirs up my emotions . As the summer draws to an end and Labor Day weekend approaches , my mind wanders back to that summer of 2004 , the summer when Sheri was dying . I saw her several times then , as much as her energy would allow . In the earlier months I would bring food for her and we would play games or work on crafts to pass the time . As the summer drew to the end , the visits were short and she wasn 't able to do much more than lay on the couch . Time softens the pain of losing a loved one in some ways . I have gotten used to not seeing her regularly . I don 't expect to see her name pop up on my email or see her neat , cursive writing on a card in my mailbox . But each year at this time , when I reflect on her life and her death , the wound reopens and feels as raw and fresh as it did that first day when I knew I wouldn 't see her again on this side of eternity . There are always torrents of tears as that longing surges up - the longing to see her , hold her , touch her , talk to her and share life with her once again . Last night I was looking through a box of memories - photos of Sheri , emails and letters she wrote , her book of poetry . I found a few pages I had written the month after she died . I wrote : I remember when Sheri had a bad lung infection , a blocked bowel , and the tobramycin in her system got to toxic levels . She lost part of her hearing . She lost kidney function and had to go on dialysis for a while . She was in Ann Arbor , away from home for weeks . I remember I drove her and Mom to the hospital . She had a towel and a bucket with her in case she threw up . That was the weakest I 'd ever seen her . She turned and gave me a look of total love and compassion before she stepped out of the car . It was the same look she gave me the second to last time I saw her alive . I hope I never forget that look . So much was wrapped up in it . She felt so much compassion for me , watching her go through her pain and how much it hurt me to see her like that , and compassion for the fear I felt in wondering if I 'd ever go through similar things , and the love she had for me and how much she wanted to protect me from all the pain she 'd been through . All that was in her gaze . I remember that moment clear as day . I can still see her with her towel and bucket and more importantly , I can see that look of love . In the midst of one of the most trying and painful times in her life , she was reaching out to me with her eyes - extending comfort , love , and understanding . She was not so overcome by her own struggle to miss the grief of her little sister who was sad and more than a little bit scared . That look of love brought me comfort then and it brings me comfort now . I remember Sheri 's strength , her courage , her poise , her compassion , and especially the feeling of her love . She fought for life and brought so much joy , laughter and grace into our lives . She refused to be defeated by pain . Her life may have been short by today 's standards , but she used her life for good and for God 's glory . And now in heaven , she 's experiencing only joy and peace - no need for tobra or towels or buckets or tears . Her example gives me courage and strength . I see Sheri 's gaze only in my memory now , but I know God looks on me with those same eyes of love . His love is an everlasting , steadfast love . His mercies never come to an end . The sadness is there . The fear is there . But God is also there . And someday , we 'll be together again . When God 's purposes for my life are complete , I 'll join Sheri in heaven . It 's fun to imagine what we might do . Run a marathon just because we can ? Have French fries without the side order of pancreatic enzymes ? Have a fit of laughter that doesn 't end with coughing ? Those things are just silly fantasies and chances are , none of that will matter . But I 'm pretty certain , when I see Sheri , I 'll get to see that look of love again . The year 1996 was a big year for me . It was the year Jaime and I started dating . It was the year I graduated from high school . After graduation , I turned 18 . In the fall I headed off to college . There were lots of milestones ! There was another big event for me in August of that year . The first weekend , I went to meet the girl who was to be my roommate for my Freshman and Sophomore years of college . I remember having a stomach ache on Sunday that weekend . Thursday of that week that I wrote in my journal about abdominal pain and fevers . Friday morning I had an allergy appointment and my mom took me even though I was ill , feeling that perhaps the allergist could shed some light on my condition given her medical background and expertise . Once we got there she began examining me and when she touched my abdomen , pain surged through me . I shot up off the table , surprising all three of us . She knew right then it was probably my appendix and rushed me across the hall to where my physician had his offices . Within a few hours I was in surgery . These days , appendectomies are often done laproscopically , but 20 years ago , we weren 't even presented with that option . We were hopeful , however , that the procedure would be routine and I would be out of the hospital after a few days . That was not meant to be . Once I was in surgery , they found that my appendix was hugely swollen and had perforated . Infection had spilled out into my abdomen and infection and scar tissue were clinging to my large and small intestine . They had to remove portions of both intestines as well as the appendix . At the time , it was also determined I had a mild case of bronchitis . Out of concern for my lungs , the doctors decided it was best not to put me fully under for the surgery . The exact details are fuzzy in my mind , so I turned to my journal to fill in the details . There I reported that they gave me a spinal injection but I was partially aware during the surgery . Apparently I was lashing out and hitting at the doctors and nurses . They gave me a shot after the surgery to help me to forget . I did forget the surgery itself but had nightmares for months after the procedure as my subconscious tried to wrestle with the horror I had been through . ( Side note : if you hit medical personnel during surgery , however justifiably , they will label you " combative " and that term will follow you around for the rest of your life ! ) The first memory I have post - surgery is being wheeled from the elevator into my room . I thought I was screaming and writhing in pain , but was told later that I was in fact deathly still and softly moaning . I wanted to die . I had never , ever felt such a degree of pain and misery and it seemed unbearable . My second memory is of my parents and two of my sisters arriving at my room with a big bunch of balloons . I remember the shocked looks on their faces when they saw me . I remember my mom rushing to my side , and the others leaving immediately . The next two weeks were the most difficult of my life up to that point . I was discharged from the hospital after several days only to be readmitted due to uncontrolled pain and swelling . The infection took a long time to get under control . I became undernourished and unable to eat . Weight melted from my frame . The surgeon , skilled but callous , implied that I was anorexic because I wouldn 't ( couldn 't ! ) eat . He also blamed me for the seriousness of my condition , deciding I must have withheld information from my parents about how I was feeling . He didn 't take into consideration that CFers have stomach pain routinely which makes it seem normal and also builds a pain tolerance that is perhaps higher than average . The staff seemed annoyed and threatening when I pulled my NG tube out in my sleep on the second night . Nothing was going right . It was an awful experience . There were good things that happened too - Jaime came to visit me and brought me a cheerful stuffed Tigger . My sisters and dad came to visit regularly . My aunt and grandfather came . People sent flowers and little gifts to cheer me up . And my long - suffering mother stayed by my side most of the time , fielded phone calls from me in the middle of the night when I was despairing , and read to me to help pass the time . One day she read these verses from 2 Corinthians 1 : Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ , the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort , who comforts us in all our troubles , so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God . For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ , so also our comfort abounds through Christ . ( v . 3 - 5 ) Those verses meant a lot to me during those weeks and the time of recovery that followed . It was the first time in my life that I was in real trouble . I was dealing with an infection serious enough to cost me my life . I was being cared for by a surgeon who was unkind and unfair . I was due to leave for college and didn 't know if I 'd be strong enough to go . The future felt uncertain . And yet I felt God 's comfort deeply , perhaps for the first time . I found joy in knowing that this comfort I had received could be used to help someone else . It was the first time I personally grappled with the notion of redemption - that God could take a painful and ugly experience in my life and bring good from it . And He did bring forth many good things . I felt forever marked by God 's love and care for me during those days . I learned that life is indeed uncertain and disaster can strike at any time , but that God is a sure and steady anchor and can see us through any storm . I had a new understanding of what real pain was which made me appreciate all the more Christ 's sacrifice for me on the cross . My faith was deepened . I understood a little more about how much my sister Sheri had suffered with her CF and I felt compassion and respect for her . I also had new eyes through which to see the pain and suffering around me , and once I got to college just weeks later , I found that hurt was rampant in people 's lives . I had friends who were scarred by abusive pasts , friends who were struggling with depression , and those simply looking for acceptance and love from a cold , hard world . I found I could relate to them a little better , and I felt deep sadness for the wounds that were ongoing , unable to be fully healed by the passage of time . Although I thought my wounds were fully healed , years later , we discovered that this surgery was a big player in the infertility I was experiencing . In an exploratory procedure , our reproductive specialist discovered that my abdomen was full of scar tissue from the appendectomy and was it creating a mess of things . And unbeknownst to us , one of my fallopian tubes had been removed and tied off , a detail the surgeon failed to mention back in 1996 . While the infertility was painful and difficult , it was another formative time in my life where I learned to trust God and accept His plan for me . In a spectacular show of redemption , Lucas was born on August 9 , 2011 - the 15th anniversary of that dreadful surgery . His birth on that day reminded me that our hurts do not go unnoticed by God . He sees , He knows , and if we allow Him to , He works all things together for our good , no exceptions . What a miracle . That experience 20 years ago marked my transition from childhood into adulthood . It was a time of major growth for me . It was also the first of several times where I was in real danger and God preserved and protected my life . After that I knew without a doubt that He had a plan and a purpose for me . I knew that my life wouldn 't be perfect - couldn 't be perfect in a world so marked by pain and suffering . But I also knew that He would be my faithful guide and companion , and that He would provide whatever I needed . And He has . Great is His faithfulness .
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Growing up , we Corry 's were not inside - the - house pet people . We were sometimes outside - the - house cat people , but we never ever ever had indoor cats or dogs . Eric on the other hand , came from a family that was definitely inside - the - house - pet - friendly . From the stories he tells of the cat that would sleep in the middle of the dogs ( because she thought she was a dog ) to the cat who would curl up on Eric 's head in the middle of the night , to the stories of Chicken John ( who didn 't live in the house , but was a family pet all the same ) , it became fairly apparent to me early on that animals were a big part of Eric 's life , and if I was going to join my life to his , they would be a part of mine as well . So , being proactive and all , when we were engaged , one day I came right out and said , " Don 't think that I don 't know that we are going to end up being pet people at some point . " This was rather thrilling to Eric , to know that he wouldn 't be needing to negotiate this point in the future . We did agree however , that we would not get a pet until we had a house with a garage . ( To me , that meant that we wouldn 't be having any inside - the - house - pets . I 'm not sure what that meant to Eric , because it has become abundantly clear lately that we had a little miscommunication on that front , but whatever . That 's the way it goes sometimes . ) So , years went by , and we didn 't get a pet , or discuss getting a pet , or have anything to do with pets . And then , we had a daughter . And then the daughter showed an overwhelming love for cats and especially dogs . And then it became more and more apparent that barring some kind of miracle ( which - - I 'm a big believer in miracles , but I 'm also a big believer in accepting the Lord 's will and making peace with it ) , the daughter would in all likelihood be an only child . And then , although we still didn 't have a garage , one night after Heather was in bed , Eric and I had a discussion as to whether or not we should get a dog . I was anti - dog , primarily because it was the end of the summer and I was tired and I was in my " why am I the only one who ever does any of the cleaning around here " mode ( a / k / a my " I absolutely refuse to notice anything that anyone else is contributing to the maintenance and well - being of this family " mode ) . Because of all that , the conversation almost ended before it had begun , but Eric was patient and I softened up , and we started talking a few details . After awhile , we came up with a compromise . We would start saving for a smallish , apartment - friendly dog ( probably a Japanese Chin ) , and while we did so , we would enact a new era of cleanliness on our family - - i . e . Saturday Jobs . Every week , Eric would be responsible for vacuuming and picking up the carpeted areas of our home , and I would be responsible for the bathrooms and the kitchen . Heather would help as requested . We would see how it went , and when we had enough money for the Chin ( which would probably take about four months ) , we would see if we felt like we were ready as a family for that kind of responsibility . It went well . Our house has been cleaner than has been the case in years , and since I 'm actually a witness to the work getting done , I 'm not able to delude myself into the thought that I 'm the only one doing any work around here , which makes me happier . That in turn makes both Eric and Heather happier , which makes our home a pretty pleasant place to be nowadays . We had about one - third of our dog fund saved up when out of nowhere , this really friendly , patient , calm , good - natured , short - haird black cat who doesn 't appear to have a home started hanging out around our front door . So , we did what any normal family would do , and spent thirty minutes one afternoon petting her and bonding with her , and showing Heather how to hold her , and falling in love with her . And we decided to buy some cat food and put it out on our doorstep for her , and any other cats who might need a little extra sustenance . And we asked around the neighborhood as to the owner of the cat and came up empty . And sometimes we would let her in our house to hang out for a bit . And we got tired of calling her " kitty " or " the cat " and so we asked Heather what we should name her , and Heather said " Marilee " . And one thing led to another , and Eric and Heather took Marilee to the vet to make sure she doesn 't have worms or any weird diseases ( she doesn 't ) and went to PetSmart and bought a scratching post and a cat bed , and we 're going to do one last thorough canvassing of the neighborhood this week and see if we can find Marilee 's original owner , and if we can 't , then we are going to get her spayed and we are going to consider her ours until someone comes along and claims her ( which at this point , we kind of hope won 't happen , but we will of course accept if it does ) . Because the fact is , Marilee has spent the last two nights curled up on either Heather 's bed or our bed , and I never in a million years thought that would happen and I 'm more than a little bit embarrassed to admit that she has me as well as the other two members of our family completely wrapped around her ( figurative ) pinky finger , and I 'm pretty happy with this development . So , if you own this cat or if you know someone who has lost this cat and wants her back , will you please let me know as soon as humanly possible ? We 're getting awfully attached over here . ( Dog ? ? ? What dog ? ? ) * If you are familiar with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter - day Saints , and specifically the details that surround temples and temple work , you may want to skim some of the next bit . Today is the day that the Brigham City Temple will be dedicated for temple work . In honor of the occasion , our stake ( and I believe all the stakes throughout Utah and possibly further flung as well ) will not be having regular Sunday services , and instead , every baptized member of the church is invited to attend a broadcast of one of the dedication sessions , which will be shown in Stake Centers throughout the state . We 're traveling across the valley to North Logan , not because we don 't have a stake center closer , but because that way Grandma and Grandpa Cantwell can watch Heather while we go to the twelve o ' clock session ( they will have attended an earlier session in the morning ) . Anyway , in honor of the event , I thought I 'd post some pictures of a little trip we took to Brigham City to tour the temple . Every time a new temple is built , an open house is held for about a month once the temple is completed , but before it is dedicated . At that time , pretty much anyone can go inside the temple and see what it looks like there . Then , once the dedication occurs , only church members with valid recommends are invited inside . When I was growing up , I used to dream about being able to attend a temple open house . I wanted to go inside the temple , see what it was all about , see if I felt anything special there , get a taste for myself of what my parents got to experience every month when they drove down to St . George . That was in the eighties though , and temples hadn 't yet begun to " dot the earth " to the extent that they do now . So , it wasn 't until I was eighteen years old and the Las Vegas temple was built that I was able to go through a temple during the open house period . It was the most beautiful building I had ever entered , and I remember feeling a very calm peaceful feeling while I was there . Anyway , one of the reasons I even say all thatThat lucky girl . In case you didn 't know , Eric is a comic book connoisseur . In homage to that , we have these two hanging in our upstairs hallway . I love that one on the right . Since I know you want one , here 's a closer shot . Good times , good times . SCENE : The car . Heather and I are heading home from somewhere . We turn into the parking lot of our town home community , and Heather calls out in delight , " Mom ! Here are all our houses ! " That 's right folks , apparently we live in Cantwell Manor . All those sixty - four other homeowners are not in fact homeowners , but merely serfs on our estate . It 's hard being the lady of the land , but I think I do a pretty good job . Now if I could just get Squire Eric to take his ruling responsibilities a little more seriously , my life would be complete . SCENE : Heather and her friend " Cameron " are on our front porch . Heather is in her Sunday dress and Cameron is trying to convince her to come out so he can take her for a bike ride to see a secret place in our " estate " . I am trying to gently steer Cameron away from this idea , as we have kind of a busy morning , and Cameron is that delightfully mischievous kind of kid who may or may not have snuck ( sneaked ? ) out of the house without his parents actually realizing that he has gone . So , I inform Cameron that Heather probably won 't be able to accompany him right now , but could possibly do so the next afternoon . CAMERON ( thoughfully ) : Well actually , I 'm not available then . I 'm only available now . I have lots of stuff going on on those days , it 's just Saturdays and Sundays when I 'm available . HEATHER ( adamantly ) : Well , I 'm only available on Tuesdays and Thursdays . * What the heck ? ? " Available ? " Since when do four - year - olds manage their own " availability " ? Since when do four - year - olds even know the word " available " ? ? ? Something tells me I am out of my league here . Mark my words , teenager - hood is not going to be pretty . * This totally flies in the face of my " Come back tomorrow ( Monday ) to play " tack , but whatever . Posted by I just sat down , ready to write a whole post about how much joy and fulfillment I find in preserving the bounty of the fall harvest , and what a surprise that is to me . However , as I got started writing it , the words seemed a little bit familiar , so I did a quick search through this blog and what do you know ? I 've already written a post that distills exactly how I feel . I wrote it a year ago , and now here I am , feeling exactly the same way again . ( I was even going to share the same " my mom folding laundry " analogy . It makes me wonder how many times I repeat myself almost word for word here , and don 't realize it . Sorry about that , guys . ) Turns out , last year 's domesticity post didn 't include my own pictures , only words and a beautiful evening canning shot that I found on flickr . So , this years post will include few ( ish ) words and lots more pictures . Kinda makes you wonder what next year will bring , huh ? Only time will tell . We made crock pot applesauce for the first time ever this year . I like it . Pretty easy , and it makes the house smell delicious ! We didn 't can it ( none of us are big applesauce eaters ) , but I froze it in small portions . My plan is to use it in place of oil / butter in some of the baked goods . I 've tried that before , with favorable results . We also dried some of it into apple leather , which was delicious , but a bit sticky ( too much sugar probably ) . This was the recipe we used . If you don 't like squinting at my picture here , you can get it direct here . ( Still in love with the iPad - - obviously . ) Heather prefers to do her kitchen work in character . Cinderella was a kitchen maid , after all . I get distracted sometimes and forget when I need to take things out of the oven . This is a note to me that the applesauce should be done around 7 : 30 or 8 : 30 , while the tomatoes should be roasted an hour or so earlier . I didn 't make any jam this year . That 's because we still have a whole bunch of jam leftover from my adventures last year . Turns out , we 're not big jam eaters in these parts . Who knew ? * A special thanks goes out to my mom and Eric 's mom whose gardens provided us with the vast majority of this food . I know full well that I wouldn 't be getting nearly as much enjoyment out of this as I am if I actually had to purchase these fruits and vegetables . Getting delicious healthiness on the cheap makes it at least twenty times as fun . Posted by So , I have a good friend named Cherie who has been living in China ( not too far from Shanghai ) for a year now , and will probably be living there for two more years . She 's great , and I definitely miss seeing her around town . Luckily , she writes us all an every - so - often letter , detailing her escapades , and some of her views and experiences as an American in China . These letters are so interesting , and so irreverently funny that when I see one in my inbox , it 's all I can do to wait for an appropriate moment to dive in and read , read , read . Everyone should have a friend like that , you know ? Anyway , about a month ago Cherie sent me these stone lions that she 's been collecting around China . As she explains , Lion Statues in China are either male or female , and the way you can tell is that the males have their paw on the ball , supposedly to signify the world . The females have a cub under their paw , to signify that they are in charge of nurturing and raising the young . ( Did the rest of you know this ? I had no idea . ) Now , as long as we 're talking about lions , I have a story to tell you . A few weeks ago , I went out for a " girls night " dinner with several of my neighbors . I had a ball , loved it , came home energized and refreshed , you get the idea . However , I also came home with a little bit of a swelled head , until reality came calling anyway . Intrigued ? I 'll go on . One of the women that joined us had just ( as in less than a week previously ) moved to Cache Valley from somewhere in Maryland ( this seems like it 's an unimportant detail now , but will become important later on ) . As we were all chatting along , somehow the topic of my blog came up . Oh , I remember how now . We were talking about Eric and how funny he is , and I was bemoaning the fact that he is funnier than I am and more memorable than I am , and I am not used to being overshadowed so easily and now I 've hooked myself eternally to this guy who without meaning to overshadows me and my extreme wittiness , charm , and comedic genius . ( I may not have used those exact words , but that was the general idea . ) At which point , my dear Aubrey came to my defense and said that I was very funny on my blog . So , the topic turned to my blog , and I told those who were interested the address , and Aubrey mentioned that she now has her family on stone lion lookout , which then necessitated an explanation of what the stone lions are all about , at which point Ms . Maryland ( whose real name is actually Celeste ) gasped and said something along the lines of " I know all about your blog ! We just had a stake women 's conference , and your blog was basically the topic of the whole conference ! " As you can imagine , I stared at her , shocked . She continued , explaining that the theme of the conference had been " Lionesses at the Gate " , ( taken , I assume from Sister Julie Beck 's talk during the 2010 BYU Women 's Conference ) and that they had talked about this woman who had a blog where she posted lion pictures . How cool is that ? No longer did I feel that I had been overshadowed by Eric , no siree Bob ! They were talkiCharlotte One thing that fascinates me about Eric is how he is always working on some kind of of artistic project or another . He 's been in the process of putting together his own action figure / robot guy for awhile now , a detailed proposition that includes designing the figure on the computer , sending the design to a company who then manufactures the parts , sanding down and trimming the parts once they arrive , using the parts to make silicone molds for mass ( or semi - mass ) production , using the molds to make more parts , fitting the parts together and evaluating the aesthetics and functionality of the figure , tweaking , refining , etc . etc . etc . The problem with this particular project is that having ten to fifteen parts manufactured can get a little on the expensive side . Having those parts manufactured more than once ( as is often the case in the whole refining process ) is even more expensive . So , during the times when he is saving up the funds to make another manufacturing order , Eric works on other projects . Right now he 's doing some kind of illustrated story of an event that happened when he was in High School . I don 't know all the specifics , but as nearly as I can tell , there were these sheep in a field by a road that pretty much everyone drove by to get to the High School , and there was some kind of surprise storm or something that caused them to freeze all of a sudden . Then they fell over and get this : got frozen to the ground with their legs sticking up in the air . The owner of the sheep tried to chip them out , but the ground and ice were too frozen , and stayed too frozen all winter long . So , Eric and his classmates spent the winter driving by these macabre frozen sheep snow statues for several months . Weird , huh ? Kind of creepy , pretty sad , a whole lot of other stuff as well , but also pretty darn weird . It 's the kind of thing I could imagine being written into the script of Napoleon Dynamite 2 , should a second Napoleon Dynamite movie ever come out . Anyway , just for fun , I took a few pictures of some of Eric 's past projThis one isn 't as funny to me , but I still like it . Nothing like riding your Starship Enterprise , using your beverage of choice as a light saber through space , you know ? That 's pretty much all I have to say about any of this , but if you are hankering for more Eric , he has more of his work ( some of it funny , some of it a little more commercial ) over on his website , which can be found at ( wait for it . . . ) ericcantwell . com Posted by What I didn 't tell you a few months ago was that in addition to a fabulously sparkly pink Minnie Mouse watch , Heather also saw fit to give me this fine shirt . As usual , I must ask you to contain your overwhelming jealousy . We can 't all wear fried egg faces now , can we ? Posted by
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The man who shot and killed Orlando Curet was released from prison nearly 15 years ago . The men who confessed to helping him are out , too . Of the five men charged with taking part in the murder , only Carl Van Putten III remains behind bars , still insisting that he had nothing to do with the killing 12 years after a jury found him guilty . Carl is serving a life sentence for the murder of a drug dealer that took place just steps from his childhood apartment on Hunts Point Avenue . He was the lone holdout when prosecutors offered a reduced sentence to those who were arrested in the killing , claiming that he was not involved in the crime . The decision forced him to forfeit his life , but pleading guilty to a crime he said he did not commit was never an option . " Your soul is more important than your freedom , " he said during a phone interview from Lewisburg Federal Penitentiary in Pennsylvania . On August 10 , 2004 , federal agents met Carl at his parole office and took him into custody . At the time he was 30 years old , and his first child , a son also named Carl Van Putten , was just days old and still in the hospital with his mother . Carl had been in and out of prison since his first arrest in 1993 . But in 2004 , by all accounts he had turned his life around . He had been holding down a full - time job for more than a year . He was living with his fiancée in Hunts Point and the two of them had spent the previous months planning for the baby - buying a crib , a bassinet , baby clothes . For the first time , Carl felt like he had a secure future : a regular job , a woman he loved and a role he had always hoped for - fatherhood . " I had finally gotten it right , " he said . Then the brutal past of the South Bronx 's drug epidemic intervened . He had taken part in Curet 's murder nine years earlier , the feds said . The charge , murder while engaged in narcotics conspiracy , and aiding and abetting that crime , would get him a sentence of life without parole after an eight - day trial . And his imprisonment would leave his own aging father bereft , his fiancée alone without his support and his newborn son without a father , like so many children in Hunts Point . Both groups sold cocaine and crack , cooking the crack themselves with water and baking soda in local houses and dealing on the streets and in abandoned buildings . Hardly a block in Hunts Point was spared . Crack came in $ 2 , $ 3 and $ 5 bottles or baggies , labeled with different colors to distinguish between dealers . " On every block there was just people standing on line purchasing all sorts of narcotics . It was , like , all over Hunts Point , " Sgt . Dennis Rodriguez of the Bronx narcotics squad testified at Carl 's trial . " To me it was just out of control . " That night in October , as Lang and a buddy , Jose " Chubby " Sanchez Echevarria , cruised the neighborhood in Chubby 's car , they spied Curet on the corner of Lafayette and Coster . Lang - unarmed - got out to confront Curet , who in the course of the curbside chat , pulled a revolver from his waistband and positioned it in the pocket of his green army jacket . It 's at this point , Chubby would tell the court , that he put his car in drive and held down the brake . Seconds later , Lang jumped in the passenger - side door headfirst as gunshots blew out the back window and hit the headrests . Chubby peeled out . Chubby was angered enough by the damage to his car that he told Lang he would subsidize the cost of the hit on Curet . The pair put the word out on the street , and before long , they 'd hired Clarence " Boo Boo " Jackson - who worked for the local Bryant Boys operation , another drug crew in the neighborhood - to do the job for $ 1 , 000 . The deal was made outside the pool hall on Faile and Lafayette , and the guns arrived a short while later in a car driven by Chubby 's brother , Victor . Word reached the pool hall that Curet was at the bodega up the street on Hunts Point Avenue , just off the corner of Lafayette . So Boo Boo and another shooter , Anthony Ramirez , staked out a position behind the icebox in front of the store . When Curet came out , Boo Boo rushed up behind him and shot him point - blank in the back of the head . Curet landed face down , and Ramirez , also emerging from behind the icebox , put a shot for good measure into Curet 's prone form on the street . While Boo Boo said Carl was given a gun at the pool hall , he told the court he didn 't know where Carl was when the killing team reached the bodega . It was only afterwards , as he and Ramirez headed down Manida Street , that he places Carl back at the scene . " [ Curet ] came out of the store , me and Ant went up behind him and just started shooting , " Jackson wrote in a slanted scrawl in his confession . " I ran by his left side and I shot him . " At Carl 's trial , Chubby told the court that Carl emerged from the ice box as a third shooter , contradicting Boo Boo 's confession . But that is not the most striking inconsistency . Chubby , whose car window was shot out that night and started the whole chain of events , said he was living alone by age 13 and was involved with five murders in his career as a drug dealer . When it comes to this murder and Carl 's involvement , he not only told the court that Carl is Latino , but that he had known Carl since the third grade at PS 48 in Hunts Point . But Carl , who is Black , never attended elementary school in Hunts Point ; he went to CES 110 near Crotona Park , where he and his father lived until he was in middle school . Chubby went on to tell the court that he knew Carl from Adlai Stevenson High School in Soundview , but Carl attended Evander Childs High School on Gun Hill Road . Carl 's name also never came up in Sanchez 's previous testimony on the case in 1999 , nor when he made a plea deal with the government . Pablo Colon , who also testified at Carl 's trial , started cooperating with the government in 1999 and met with them over the course of six years , giving up more than a dozen names . He said he saw Carl take one shot , but at the same time , he couldn 't recall the time of year of the murder , and he referred in his testimony not to the ice box but to a pay phone . In two sessions with the government , Colon could not identify Carl in photographs , nor did he know him as a drug dealer . Fermin San Martin , whose nickname was " Beast " for his violent nature , was one of Carl 's partners in Lang 's dealing operation . He told the court that Carl was behind the ice box with Boo Boo , and describes Carl taking three shots , a scenario that Boo Boo himself does not corroborate . Over the course of years cooperating with the government , he would go on to give information on more than 30 people , reducing his 25 - year sentence . All four men make references in court documents to chances they had to discuss the case - and compare notes - either in prison or before their arrests . Yet not one of their stories matches the other when they testify during Carl 's trial . In each man 's version , Carl is in a different location , or , in the case of the confessed shooter , not there for the shooting at all . For his part , Carl heard the discussions at the pool hall , and knew something was going on outside - " the streets talk , " he says , and it doesn 't take long for word to spread . As Boo Boo and the crew headed up the hill from the pool hall , he says he and a bunch of other guys ambled over to 52 Park . They then walked up to Lafayette , and by the time they got there , a man was dead on the ground . Carl denies getting a gun at the pool hall . When cops arrive minutes later , this is what they find : Orlando Curet dead , face - down on the sidewalk , a . 22 caliber revolver fully loaded with nine rounds in the waistband of his pants ; two discharged shells from 9 millimeter revolver ; copper jacketing ; a deformed lead bullet . And when the medical examiner writes her autopsy report a few days later , she notes these details about Curet : He was 34 years old and 5 foot 8 , with a blood alcohol level of . 24 and a cocaine level of 0 . 1 . He had a gunshot wound near the upper part of the left ear that had been taken at close range , within three and a half feet . He had another bullet in his right leg and a bullet fragment in his chest that likely came from a ricochet . Cause of death : gunshot wound to the head with skull fractures and brain perforation . For his part , Boo Boo Jackson , facing a life sentence for murder , ends up serving six years after cooperating with the government by providing information on this crime and another , earlier murder . During Carl 's trial in 2005 , Carl 's attorney , Bobbi Sternheim , says to Boo Boo when he 's on the stand , " So it was good to get a second chance , correct ? " At 84 , Carl Van Putten II has one last dream : Before he dies , he wants to get his son , Carl Ellis Van Putten III , out of prison . The senior Van Putten has seen his share of the world , and of life 's ups and downs . He lived on his own starting at 14 , bunking in Harlem and working as a " pin boy " at neighborhood bowling alleys for 12 cents a line . He enlisted in the Army in the first year the U . S . military integrated ( " It was 1949 , but yes , there was a war going on every night - after supper " ) . He was married three times , drove a cab for 18 years , still smokes cigarettes without apology ( " They are my friend when I need one , my food when I 'm hungry , my water when I 'm thirsty . " ) and by many accounts , has spent the past two decades as one of the more effective civic activists in the South Bronx , leading the charge to create two new waterfront parks in Hunts Point , fight off jail proposals , and start a food pantry at Bright Temple AME Church along with a dozen other neighborhood efforts . He is a man without regret - a man who remembers his mistakes and his successes with remarkable clarity and equal value ; a man who feels he never missed a chance at adventure , at living a life where every day was an opportunity to do or learn something new . He admits now , however , in his ninth decade , things have slowed down for him . He 's come to terms with that . Yet he spends most waking hours thinking if he can accomplish this one last task for his son . Over the years , Carl Sr . has approached several non - profit legal organizations that work to exonerate the wrongly convicted , as well as dozens of lawyers , to no avail . His last plan now is to simply walk into the U . S . Attorney 's office and ask , man to man , if there 's anything he could do . He 's grasping at straws , but he 's determined and he has a deadline . " There are few options at this point , that 's what hurts , " says Van Putten . " I can 't let him down . I have to keep trying . " Carl Sr . raised his son by himself starting at age 6 , when the boy 's mother , whose life was overtaken by heroin abuse , could no longer care for him . The two first came to their second - floor apartment on Hunts Point Avenue in 1985 . " My father actually left his wife so he could take care of me , " Carl Jr . says now . " I always feel like I caused him a lot of pain . " But Carl Sr . sees it differently . " I was really angry a lot of the time as a younger man , and I didn 't trust anyone or myself for that matter , " Carl Sr . recalls . " Carl saved my life . " But Carl Sr . worked nights , and Carl Jr . was left to himself in a neighborhood that was rife with the temptation of easy money . Some were able to avoid it , like Carl 's childhood buddy Mario Castro , who to this day is one of his few tethers to the world outside prison . But that proved too hard for Carl . " I think he wanted to fit in somehow - he wanted to be popular , " says Castro , who works as a train operator for the MTA and lives in Soundview . " He always wanted more than what he had , but he also had such a big heart . " " It was such a common thing , going to jail , " remembers Castro . " It wasn 't even that big a deal . My goodness , I was the oddball . " Drugs , dealers , addicts , prostitutes - they were all over the place , on corners , in cars , schools , warehouses . Some streets , like Coster where Castro lived , were tamer than others , with mostly families . But walk a block in either direction , he said , and it was " mayhem . " " It 's unexplainable , really , if you didn 't live it , " says Carl Jr . " Here we are little kids - 11 , 12 , 13 - and you come home from your little league games and you see hookers practically naked right across the street . You had to walk around them just to get into your apartment . " The dealers in the neighborhood were kids they grew up with , went to school with , went to parties with . It wasn 't threatening , Castro says now ; it was simply familiar . " The long view is they had choices , but the choices were thin , " says Paul Lipson , who ran teen programs in Hunts Point after college in the late ' 80s and founded The Point Community Development Corporation in 1994 . He knew Carl , Boo Boo , Anthony Ramirez and a lot of the others as good kids , who watched out for their younger siblings , who were respectful , thoughtful . " None of these kids were programmed to be bad , but there were absolutely limited prospects . Mix that into the idea that drugs were so pervasive , there 's not much incentive to stop . " The drug organizations , like Lang 's or the Bryant Boys , were structured like a ladder , with each man getting a bigger cut as he moved up the rungs . The runners ( delivery boys ) and lookouts were at the bottom . The next rung were the pitchers who sold hand - to - hand , then the managers who supplied the pitchers , and then the head of the local organization , who supplied the whole operation with product , managed the money , the turf , the business . Sales were brisk , and profits added up quickly , even on the bottom rung . Glassine envelopes of cocaine were sold 10 to a bundle , and 25 bundles in one pack . One pack cost $ 125 , and a manager would keep $ 25 of that . It wasn 't hard to sell 20 packs in a day , keep $ 500 and turn the rest in to the stash house . " I 'm not going to say it 's like a business , " Carl says , " but it sure is . " Carl spent the better part of his 20s on a timeline of arrests , jail time , rehab , rinse , repeat : starting with eight months in Rikers in ' 93 for possession and ending in 2003 with a work - release program run out of the now defunct Fulton Correctional Facility across from Crotona Park . By the time he and Carl were in their late 20s , Castro says he saw a change in him . Carl was holding down his first " legit " job at a discount store in Midtown , he was happy , he wasn 't even thinking about street life , Castro said . Then he was picked up for murder . The trial was over in eight days . The only evidence implicating Carl in the murder of Curet was the testimony of those four cooperating witnesses - all of whom had all been convicted of murder or multiple murders , and who had cooperated with the government in order to reduce their own sentences . Boo Boo Jackson served six years for the murder of Curet and was released in 2001 , three years before Carl was even arrested in the case . Chubby Sanchez , the leader of the Hoe Avenue Boys , served 10 years on a reduced sentence for five murders , as well as racketeering and drug charges . He laundered the thousands of dollars he made in the drug trade here in Puerto Rican real - estate , but never had to relinquish any of his properties , according to court documents . Pablo Colon , one of the Bryant Boys , pleaded guilty for conspiracy for two murders and cooperated with the government , and was out for time served - four years - and five years ' probation . Fermin made a deal with the government in 2002 to reduce his 25 - year sentence . Hunts Point has the highest prison admissions rate in New York City - 7 out of every 1000 people are imprisoned , according to statistics compiled by the Justice Mapping Center . Of those in prison , nearly all - more than 90 percent - are men . Add that to a neighborhood where nearly half the households are run by single parents , and the strain on families begins to show . When Carl was arrested in 2004 , his girlfriend and new born son - just days old - were still in the hospital . His father carried the boy home from the hospital the day after Carl 's arrest . Read a summary of the appeals court decision that torpedoed Van Putten 's most recent effort to get a new trial . Federal sentencing guidelines established in 1984 allow the judge to choose from within a range of sentences based on the crime , which is then influenced by the defendant 's prior record . But in 2005 , the U . S . Supreme Court ruled that the guidelines are advisory only - the judge can aim above or below . In Carl 's case , the judge chose the sentence recommended by the guidelines - life in prison without the possibility of parole - despite the various mitigating factors that Sheppard cited in his appellate briefs , including the disparity between Carl 's sentence and that of the others ' charged in the case , and the fact that Carl had completely turned his life around before his arrest in this case nine years after the crime was committed . It is Sheppard 's firm belief that if Carl had pleaded guilty - as did everyone else charged in the case - he would not have received a life sentence . More than 95 percent of federal criminal cases result in plea bargains , according to the Bureau of Justice Statistics . Often it 's the innocent ones , Sheppard says , who get the longer sentences because they refuse to plead guilty to a crime they did not commit . The U . S . Court of Appeals confirmed Carl 's conviction in 2008 , and at that time , his sentence was vacated and his case was remanded to the district court , with a reminder to the court that it had the " discretion to deviate from a guidelines sentence . " Carl was resentenced to the original life sentence a year later . Carl 's case was one in a substantial string of Sheppard 's criminal cases in which the appeals court rendered decisions that , he believes , were clearly wrong on the law , the facts , or both . Largely for that reason , Sheppard stopped taking assignments from the court , and has instead focused on writing a book to enlighten the public about what he calls " systemic causes of wrongful convictions which have not received proper attention . " " Carl 's was one of those cases that sort of pushed me over the edge , " Sheppard says now . " I finally asked , ' What am I doing here ? ' It 's an exercise in futility . " By his count , Carl Jr . has read hundreds of books in his decade behind bars . " I think I have seen every Dean Koontz and James Patterson book there is , " he says , referring to the best - selling paperback writers . The days repeat in an endless loop , like in Bill Murray 's movie " Groundhog Day , " he says . He 's 43 years old ; he 's been in prison for 12 years . " My life is just a small shell . It 's all the same . " Carl has also tried to take legal matters into his own hands , and this past September , filed a " successive or second motion to vacate " to the Court of Appeals . The 26 - page motion sites case law to claim that he is being held unlawfully , and " sentenced without authority of law . " His sentence was vacated once before , at his appeal , but reinstated . Still , it has given him some glimmer of hope , and he has family and friends on the outside shopping his argument around to any lawyer who will answer a call or respond to an email . And Carl Sr . continues to reach out to pro - bono legal organizations as well as exoneration groups across the country , hoping someone will offer their support . At Lewisburg , the federal prison in Pennsylvania where Carl has spent the past five years , mornings start early , with 5 : 30 wake up and out of the cell by 6 . Carl is one of the lucky ones - he is in a smaller unit for prisoners with good behavior and he has a work assignment on the painting crew that pays him $ 9 a month . If you work your way up the ladder , you can collect as much as $ 40 a month to spend on calls and emails , toiletries or microwavable food . The rest of the night - from 3 : 15 until lights out at 10 - is just killing time . Reading . Listening to games on WFAN . There are six or seven TVs tuned to mostly sports channels , as well as bible study classes , accounting classes , some yard time . Carl sticks to himself . Prison life is tribal , Carl says , clearly divided by race . " It is totally a different world , " he says from the prison pay phones . " I don 't know how I 've done 11 years - I don 't know how I 've managed . " Ultimately , it 's not the tedium that tortures him . It 's the knowledge that inside , he is powerless . That life goes on without him on the outside . That things happen to his family , to his son , to his father , that he can 't help or change . On a Sunday in November last year , Carl Jr . was one of only three prisoners to receive visitors in the large and sterile visiting room at The Big House , as it 's called on the guards ' navy blue custom hoodies . Set up with 20 or so laminate tables - a chair on one side for prisoners , two chairs on the other for visitors - the room is unremarkable except for the view of the 6 ′ x 6 ′ prison yard cages reserved for guys in solitary , visible only by peeking through the slats in the plastic venetian blinds . His 10 - year - old son , Carl Aquan Ellis Van Putten IV , or little Carl , hangs on his father 's shoulders while his grandfather watches . The boy leans against his father 's broad back - at 5 ' 9 ″ he 's well over 200 pounds - rubs his head , inspects his ears , his biceps , his tattoos . On one forearm is a fading likeness of Carl III as a baby - all eyes . This is a father he has only seen twice before , and both times in the Lewisburg visiting room . The two play checkers for a full two hours ( dad wins ) with crosstalk going between father and son , grandfather and grandson . The scene is casual , comfortable , as if the three of them hang out here every Sunday . There 's no obvious explanation for their familiarity ; the grandfather credits his daughter - in - law for keeping Carl Jr . alive in the mind of his grandson , keeping pictures in the house , talking about him , keeping in touch for all these years he 's been " inside . " But to watch the father and son is to see two people with no pretense , no awkward moments , no discomfort . These two are far from strangers to each other , though they have spent less than five hours together in their lives . " Do you have any friends ? " little Carl asks his father . Carl Jr . says he dreams about being with his son and his father on the outside , together , the three of them . He 's only done that twice in his life , in the summer of 2014 and fall 2015 , both times at Lewisburg . And he dreams of the Yankees , or rather , the dream of having the freedom and the leisure of walking to the stadium , grabbing tickets , watching the ballgame . When Carl looks back on his life just before he was arrested , he goes back to one moment that in its retelling , sort of shimmers . It 's one of those all - is - right - with - the - world moments that rarely come in life , but when they do , they stick . He had left his job in Midtown early to catch the 1 : 07 game at Yankee Stadium . A self - described sports fanatic , he would catch as many as 30 Yankee games a season , sometimes with friends or , if not , happy to be by himself , on the third base side if given the choice . In early July 2004 , the Yankees were in a home stand with Detroit , and during the Tuesday night game , the AL star Dmitri Young had posted three doubles . Carl caught the Wednesday afternoon game , and Young was up at bat when the feeling came over him . He was living with a woman he loved , his son 's birth was just a month away , he had steady work . " I was thinking that I wasn 't looking over my shoulder , that I was working , that I was - " he pauses in the retelling . " I was just happy . I dream about that . " Leave a Reply Cancel reply Your email address will not be published . 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Wec , Angel had picked up another chick . He was in love . She was faking a relationship to get by , something that she has a history of doing . Eye paid him back , paid all the extra bullshit he came up with too . So he started borrowing from me to support both of their habits . Hers surpassed his . The house of cards tumbled . Borrowing against rent and bills , he could not keep it up forever . We got evicted . She took off . Eye found a place to go . ( Which is in the hood instead of my beloved barrios of nine years . ) He tried detox and lasted two days . Then tried methadone . Then ended up in the hospital for weeks - pneumonia and a blood clot between his heart and brain . He found somewhere else to go and still wants that girl back . Eye 've adjusted to somewhere else . Enjoyed living alone . Haven 't been sick any more than before , maybe even less . But now have a new guy . . . Eye 've known him about a year and a half and loved ot when he came around . It wasn 't planned or anything . He found himself between places and was going to give me some money to stay for about a week . He went to LA yo take care if an old warrant and got stuck all week . Eye thought about him and wished things were different . He returned and admitted feelings for me . So we 're gonna see what happens . It 's been great . No demands about changing anything on either side . He 's funny and sweet and it 's wonderful to live with someone nice for a change ! Eye adore him and am so happy . He 's a tweeker . ( But we get along great . ) Can take care of his own shit and if not then well , he just sleeps ha . So no drug fights or whatever , freaking out , getting mean , manipulation . . . He 's really sweet to me and Eye 'm loving it . Met a new junkie chick so she 's coming by for shit . . . Already has asked me to spot her . Ugh . Didn 't and couldn 't anyway . Today found out she 's smoking it and has only been on it for a couple months . So there goes any potential pity ha ha . Last night , a friend was talking to me over text . One drunken night ( both of us coincidentally ) we chatted on the phone and he told me that he could " only imagine " because eye probably don 't even tell him the worst of everything . Perhaps some part of me took that as a challenge , because eye have since been very open when the mood strikes . One of the things he told me last night is that he doesn 't like to think of me because it makes him cry . ( He was probably drunk , come to think of it now . . . Eye 'll probably be informed of that later today , as he tends to come back and apologize with that statement later . ) Eye found that pretty silly , and told him that really , there 's nothing to get all crazy about . That in accordance with how eye am , it isn 't like much is all that different . ( Which is something eye bring up repeatedly . ) That perhaps now eye 'm just more honest with myself than before , with my narcissistic notions of being " meant for bigger than this " and never wanting a normal life , but a plain lack of follow - through , what am eye to do ? Eye could die , eye can distract myself , or eye can find a way to make it acceptable . He said , " BULLSHIT . " Eye distracted myself for seven years , and eye 've made a plain life acceptable for six . Eye said maybe eye 'll figure out something else in a year , or maybe not . Later on , eye told him that eye 'd rather he punch me in the face than cry about me . That it 's set up just to make me feel guilty - or a double heaping because eye have to feel guilty about not feeling guilty ! But with irritation attached . That eye find it extremely obnoxious that he lets himself be emotional about me , when even my overly invasive mother gave up on all that a while back . And after all the suicide watches , and in another time probably thinking eye 'd end up on a feeding tube . . . at least with this eye 'm probably more likely to still be alive at 50 than anything else . And with this history of mine , what did he expect , me to suddenly get " better " ? Why be involved in that way , when everyone else has just learned to distance themselves or stand back ? It 's been over a year now since m ' eye ex best friend died . And only very recently did it " hit " me , as in affect me . Eye was walking down the street , going to the convenience store , when suddenly my memory brought me back to October 2006 , going up the Stratosphere with him , standing in the middle of the double elevator , in a K hole , hanging onto his hand so tightly , so afraid we were going to fall out , convinced that the elevator was open on the sides . The ride itself , once we 'd gotten to the top , ended up being relaxing . But what isn 't in a K afterglow ? And eye almost cried . Eye realized that would never happen again , that nothing would ever happen again . Maybe eye wasn 't upset initially , because in a way , he died to m ' eye life a few years prior , when he suddenly quit speaking to me , among most other people he knew . Or maybe other factors are involved , as the friend eye was speaking to last night said , " It 's about time , you drugged out bitch ! " Ah my friends can be fun , when they aren 't having spastic emotional reactions in regards to me . Other than that , eye recently found out that a little " insurance plan " of sorts that eye had long given up on , will actually work out for me . The person saw what eye saw long ago , the " earning it " thing . Eye also popped up wPosted by Fucking prick , fucking cunt . That 's what eye have to say for now . Sick of taking other people into consideration who shouldn 't even fucking BE here in the first place . That 's the last time eye save , or split my last of something with someone who is well aware of my situation and wouldn 't and does not do the same for me . They were both well aware of what situation eye was in tonight . Assholes . Eye hope they kill each other . Thinks it 's punishment to get rid of me but really it 's the best thing , what will actually happen is she 'll skip out when she gets tired of it , or finds something better , or makes up her mind , or what the fuck ever . Leaving him to suffer alone . Deserves every fucking second , and also deserves every minute of this girl 's back & forth . Eye certainly don 't like miscommunication ( repeated ) and saying different things to different people , don 't like that she 's fucked up my stability , but the rest of it ? You fucking go girl . ( But go do what ? Haha eye * wish * . ) Whatever . Posted by A couple months back , went down to sell something eye shouldn 't , found out that the stores were closed , but one was opening in an hour . Wasted some time walking around , then went in the store , after that got some coffee . Used the restroom , in the mirror - looked so fucking polished . It made me laugh , the state eye was in , no visible clues . Not so much the case the next time . Too much " life contemplation " lately , maybe it 's an age thing . Maybe it 's from being aware of what was coming . Is what eye want even possible anymore , hold out for it ? Even Plan B looks very well fucked now , so give up or compromise - and what are the steps toward that ? In what situation can eye be somewhat content ? Ugh , our schizophrenic back neighbor , too often mistaken for a speed freak , has all sorts of fucking people going over to his house lately . In & out , in and out . Storing their carts of junk in the back yard . A friend who was just over here caught someone , who came from back there , breaking into his car . " What are you doing ? " The guy says " fuck you " and runs off . No good for him , me , us , anyone . Angel goes back there to raise hell , they deny everything . Like things weren 't shitty enough already . Disjointed thoughts , hanging by a thread on a Sunday evening . Usually alone for the holidays . Not so far this time , it 's just barely better than it usually is . On Friday the 13th , after having spent enough time avoiding the potentially ( highly likely ) never - ending fiasco of shooting up , then attending to it , then having spent sufficient time lounging in front of the television , eye decided to check the phone . It was blowing up with " Inbox Full , Delete Messages . " ( Yes , quite old style of phone . No hipster shit here , m ' eye poverty and extreme disdain for permanent change are very real . ) After sorting through them and returning phone calls , eye found out that m ' eye ex best friend from back " home " ( if it can be called such , eye never felt sufficient ties to it like that , and even m ' eye connection to where eye spent m ' eye childhood dwindled away a few years after leaving ) Marty had died that day . There was quite a bit of speculation - he 'd been extremely ill for over a month , and apparent multiple organ failure is a very rare side effect of the bipolar medication he had been taking . But , he 'd been getting better , then a sudden turn for the worse and into the ICU Wednesday , died on Friday . Official cause of death - pneumonia of all things . But - many years prior during an interview assignment for a writing class , eye interviewed his mother . She told me about the lung issues he 'd had as a child , the endless nights worrying . He 'd had asthma that persisted all the way through to at least the last time we spoke , he had a nebulizer and inhaler . . . He used his inhaler in order to smoke , or smoke more . M ' eye aunt does the same thing . Having a similar lung history to Angel , eye expected that he would end up with COPD before 30 , basically same story . But that was all eye expected . So many conversations . So many people crying . No tears from me , asshole as eye may be . Only found one friend whose reaction was the same , which was quite comforting to me ( and nope she isn 't currently " cushioned " , she 's one of those who seem to prefer the on / off method , which eye 'll never understand . ) We talked about how it was Friday the 13th , but he 'd probably have liked the 11th better . She said he 'd probably appreciate the irony - wanting to die for so long and then in deciding to live , he died . Tanner talked about how they 'd had a conversation in which he 'd mentioned he thought he 'd be in the " 27 club " - dying at that age ( although definitely not famous by then . . . . but don 't those of us who expect such not end up getting it by the time we expect , and probably wouldn 't have been the way either , had he lived longer . ) It was a little over a month before he 'd be 28 . But who takes the fucked up conversations seriously ? On a long alcohol binge , Tanner told me he was going to die on his 10 , 000th day . He didn 't . Elizabeth said he would have loved my reaction to the whole thing . " That 's dumb . " It is dumb . He 'd been clean a couple of years , except some weed here and there , eye don 't even think he 'd gotten drunk in the past couple ? He was in his second year of college . But that seems to happen to a lot of people eye know , the more " right " they do things , the worse shit seems to happen . The only feelings that crossed me - disappointment mainly . A bit empty . A bit offended . Like all these future memorizes had been stripped away . Maybe some regret ? He had recently contacted Elizabeth for m ' eye contact info - eye did not oblige , eye ignored that text . Hadn 't decided if eye wanted contact , or at least this soon ( almost three years . ) Through the grapevine , eye wasn 't sure if eye liked who he 'd become . The side effects of having a long history of customer service jobs ( except he seemed to apply it everywhere , not just work ) and elitism - qualities we both shared , but eye didn 't like the way that they had combined , and changedIt 's really weird because very recently some memorizes were popping up - finding a pile of letters that eye never sent him , m ' eye quick weight loss on film in 2005 - " " Eye 'm not thin now , but eye will be soon . " ( Oh and eye was ! 45 pounds in two and a half months - 20 the first , 7 the second , 13 in the last two weeks . Being short , that 's like a normal person losing oh 55 - 60 . Dissociatives , working out and some pickles and salsa - guess what most would call some type of anorexia or starvation diet haha . ) Also , using a fork to comb m ' eye hair when eye couldn 't find a comb recently - use a " dinglehopper ! " ( Day after DXM July 2005 in my car , couldn 't find a comb or brush and he looked around and said , " Use a dinglehopper ! " " Dinglehopper ? Oh - dinglehopper ! " A fork - reference from The Little Mermaid . He took a picture too . ) It 's a bit strange because it seems like in drug circles , especially " certain " drug circles , young death is common . But , except for a couple of people that got stuff from me but weren 't close to me , it hadn 't happened . And hadn 't happened in a long time . But then again , maybe it isn 't so weird . After all , pretty much everyone had quit , or mostly quit - their own dope thing seemed to be some kind of trend that rose and fall in m ' eye absence . Far as everything else goes , there 's not really much , or any of that anymore - depending on which person it is . It 's weird because among all the little feelings of obligation in this - feeling obligated to react differently , feeling obligated to attend the funeral and memorial parties and events that eye just cannot make it to - there 's another little pressing obligation that eye feel like eye 'm expected to do , but just cannot . Despite all these little things that are " pushing " me , several issues popping up that would make the not so distant future much , much more difficult to survive . Like eye 'm supposed to die too . Eye had wanted / planned to with m ' eye kitty - to die the same day , but after her because eye didn 't want her to have to hurt for m ' eye absence . Had conversations with Marty where he said that we should both die on the same day as her . There were a couple of years between the two deaths , but now they 're both gone . And in being so close to him in the past , plus the on / off suicidal history myself - feel like people think that 's what eye 'd do as well . With Baby - eye couldn 't risk an " attempt " that didn 't work , couldn 't risk losing m ' eye livelihood from falling apart . With him - the desire just isn 't there , and eye don 't know why . There is only one thing these days that ever makes me feel like taking a knife to m ' eye throat - and it 's a reaction to lots of frustration in what people would call something " small . " But it 's always been the little things , well outside of being drunk and emotional . A car breakdown is a perfectly valid reason to kill oneself . But the bigger things just kind of move over me . This event hasn 't even caused me to increase m ' eye usage , eye 've continued on the slow taper down - to better , more manageable levels . It doesn 't seem fair , but why would it ? With death - the timing , the choice of people never seem appropriate . Unless it 's old age and / or the person wants to die . Expect anything , expect anyone . No reason to " tread carefully " - as so many of the most reckless seem to also be the most invincible . Eye had mistaken him as another one of that type . He wasn 't , he was just lucky . The way he got out of the smuggling charge should 've made at least that quite apparent . No need to dwell , though . People may disrupt their lives due to being upset for a while , but is this really going to change anything ? No . Eye certainly won 't pretend as much with me , like eye 'm going to become someone else , or suddenly cherish everything and everyone . Death happens to everyone and in the scheme of things , everyone is insignificant unless they make some type of huge impact - and in that case , it 's only on earth , and maybe just matter for a small length of time . So life 's to do with it as you wish , make whatever you want of it , make nothing of it , who cares ? Create or destroy , do both , do neither . Eye was quite the baby whatever , years before all this , and not depressed at all at the time , when JJ pegged me as " destructive . " Eye 'm sure eye 've heard the same in various forms before and after . Way back when , figured that JJ was a soul sibling on the hallucinogen - adding - Eros side , and Marty was the one on the dissociative - subtracting - Thanatos side . JJ has abandoned me to " life , " and Marty is now gone in death . . . Guess it makes sense in strange ways . Eye ended up with a preference for dissociatives , or mixing both . Death - tempting and / or death oriented , eye 've been this way as far back as eye can remember . This will happen , again and again , to everyone eye know . To everyone you know . You either accept it and move on , or you don 't . Why no one ever told me about the song , eye do not know . How can anyone mourn the loss of someone who was never there to begin with ? For all of m ' eye changes - eye am always , always the same . Giving , but very selfish , self - centered , self - oriented , oblivious , etc . Am eye a bad friend for considering making another friend wait at the Greyhound station so that eye can make more money ? It 's not greed when it 's survival , and rent isn 't even paid . Eye didn 't make her wait , eye came with a ride . . . But eye did not visit her in the hospital while she was here . Most of her " vacation " was pure misery , eye had no bus pass , but wouldn 't have been impossible to get a ride over there . Eye did get her a ride back here and back to the bus depot . This summer has been very hard , hard as hell , " hard as nails . " Eye am not keen on having another one , another anything like it . Yes eye spent a lot of time online , but wouldn 't come back here to say anything . Eye had other priorities and besides - hate to blog when things are going shitty . There 's enough whiners , why be a downer - if someone wanted a downer , well - there are drugs for that . That isn 't the only reason . Bonus Points to someone who can correctly decipher why . Eye 've encountered the stupidest circle ever . Eye expected problems with financial aid . There are none . It could be sent to me Monday or Tuesday . But - eye owe the community college $ 468 . 50 in order to go to UNLV , or any other school . This is for supposedly dropped ( actually failed ) classes from spring semester of 2011 . Eye can appeal , but it will take a month or two . So , to get it , eye have to pay something eye can 't afford . Eye 've been barely able to get by all summer . At least the other obstacle circle is no longer in the way - needing to pay to get the internet back on , but needing the internet to make money . Family - completely unsympathetic . " We live with the results of our choices . " " Why did you wait til the last minute to enroll ? " " Why didn 't you get a job ? " " Maybe you should take a semester or two off and get a job . " Ha - if eye was able to get a good enough job and hang onto it - well , with no car to go to work AND school - eye 'd be unwilling to quit and go back to living off of jack shit again while working on a degree . Oh - cell phone is due to be shut off in a couple of days . Eye need that , too in order to get this all together . Fucked for Life . No matter what , your life will always , always be fucked in some way , and if not - it will be soon . So may as well accept it , and learn to love it . That 's m ' eye fake gang with friends from where eye previously lived . Ugh . . . so today when eye went out , m ' eye bottle of crystal light was not completely closed , it leaked over everything - including the phone . So - now it 's hanging out in a bag of rice . Since eye can 't waste the day reading stuff online with the phone , here eye am . Eye 've been scraping by as of late . . . sold m ' eye books back at a bookstore . Because only one store was open , the one that doesn 't pay well , and they 'd " changed policies " what should have netted me $ 80 - 100 left me with $ 26 . Eye knew eye was being screwed . Eye smiled and took the cash anyway . Eye 've heard people say that you can run a junkie around all day long , using the hell out of them , as long as they think does coming at the end , they 'll do it . Eye don 't find this inaccurate . The dealer decided he will now only sell in grams and half grams . There are so many things wrong with this . First off - there are two different types of dope . There 's the more expensive ones and the regular ones . The more expensive grams and halves - this was the dope he used to make dimes . So now eye 'm stuck doing sub par shit . It 's also very hard for me to regulate . Individually packaged balloons , eye 'll take one , sometimes two . With a half - eye end up with three shots . So this is typically used post scoring , before bed , and then in the morning . Since eye like to lounge after waking up , by the time eye 'm ready to make money - eye usually feel like shit and don 't want to do anything . Lately , eye 've dealt with the other detriment - what if you don 't have at least $ 35 ? You 're screwed . Ended up having to do some skimpy ass rinse last night to go make money , only ended up with twenty bucks . Lovely . Completely useless . So this morning eye was feeling like crap . Luckily , Angel decided he 'd give me one Dilaudid ( eye typically do three 8mg pills in a shot ) , which he wouldn 't do last night . It was enough for a mediocre rush and to feel " cheery " for about an hour . In other words , no nod , but better than just feeling normal . Eye left and ended up making more than expected . Nothing like a hundred bucks to put a spring in your step ! Then eye had to come home , and Angel didn 't want to wake up and call , didn 't want me to call because of some weird misplaced sense of control . Years ago , he " forbid " the dealer from dealing with me . But one phone call when he wasn 't home , and telling the dealer he wouldn 't find out , was the end of that , unless Angel is here . Recently , while he was hospitalized , eye admitted eye could call for myself , and had been for some time . But now that he 's home - ha . And his ever so delusional self tells me that the dealer doesn 't want to deal with me . Really ? Haha . Ok dude . So , after someone else showed up to buy pills , he called , and eye settled down for a long , boring wait . But they were fast . The driver and his buddy arrived , perhaps more scatterbrained than eye was ( they 've been tweeking lately . ) They had no change , but the buddy drove me to the corner store . When eye was inside , eye thought he 'd left . Then when eye got in , eye briefly thought he was the other guy . Eye told him about it , and he wanted to know why . Lack of drugs . But why ? Eye can 't function properly without them , and pretty soon , " It 'll be the same for you , except you won 't get sick . " He told me not to say anything else about it . That , and some upset over commentary from Angel and giggles at their behavior , leads me to believe they 're touchy about what they feel is being lectured to or condescension . It isn 't - it 's just amusing as we all remember our own methtastic adventures , and just being honest . Oh well . M ' eye veins have been HELL lately . Eye know eye mention it often enough , but really - searching for up to two hours more than once a day ? Ridiculous . Angel doesn 't want to help , but geez , m ' eye Parkinson 's - unsteady manner managed to fuck up even a vein he made me a little map for . If it took me seconds , up to a couple minutes maybe , most times when shooting myself or other people up , and eye didn 't manage to fuck up , eye wouldn 't make a big deal about shooting someone up ! Seriously ! Well . . . . eye guess , even though eye don 't need to really worry about it just yet , eye should get back on the whole money - making thing , instead of wasting my whole day being a ball of mush . Or at least uh . . . enjoy the benefits of my semi bounty . Posted by Eye write in " eyes , " instead of " i 's " - in tribute to m ' eye obsession and love of Eyes . Fabulous strung - out girl in Fabulous Las Vegas . But you might not think it to look at me - have been told by junkies that they couldn 't tell ! Have lived lots of different " lives " inside this life . Outcast , Goth , candy - raver , then just " something else . " Depression and mania , places mixed and in - between . Cutting , eating disorders , selling psychedelics , inhalant abuse ( age 12 ) , methamphetamine addiction , currently : heroin addiction .
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" . . . Now hope that is seen is not hope . For who hopes for what he sees ? But if we hope for what we do not see , we wait for it with patience . " Romans 8 : 24b - 25 Eventually I transitioned into a place where I was okay with the function of the household but I was needing a break from being needed . If my sweet baby didn 't need me , my husband did . And if it wasn 't my husband , it was my cat . And on the days when even my cat was content , some crisis would erupt in some other part of my life and more than anything I just wanted to be selfish and curl up in my bed and be alone for as long as anyone would let me . Which brings me to this moment . I still don 't know what to write or how to write it in a way that won 't alienate many of you who hold a very real place in my heart . But I realized that when I wasn 't checking my e - mail and couldn 't do more than just glance at Twitter , I already lost much of the bond that had formed with so many that I care about in this community . When I would post , it would be pictures of EG , which I 'm certain were not welcomed by all on Twitter . I lost followers , and I lost touch . With a complete lack of blog posts , my reason for not blogging was actually coming to fruition because when I became silent , I alienated not just some , but ALL . I care deeply about this community and I know there are still those I 've connected with who care deeply about me , DH , and EG ( and yes , even our cat , G ) . So , I 've decided to blog again . Not just for myself . Not just for those I 've already connected with . But for those who may yet stumble upon this blog . My story didn 't end when we finally conceived . Our journey through infertility still continues . We are just traveling a part of the journey that isn 't on the map for everyone . Everyone 's journey is different , even among those of us who have children . I 'd love for you to continue walking alongside me on this journey , and I hope to be a blessing to you along the way . I told DH all of this as he supported me in my less than rational state of mind . And then I said , " She 's safe inside of me . Once she 's born , she 's not safe . " And that 's part of it . Granted , a lot can go wrong on the inside just as it can on the outside , and her being in me doesn 't keep her any safer than she would be outside of me . But there 's that sense that right now she 's protected . She 's protected from my mood swings , from temperature changes , from hunger , from diaper rash , from the cat 's curiosity . . . And in a way , I 'm protected , too . I don 't yet have to be " super - mom . " Sure , right now I have to take care of my body , but I do that anyway . Once she 's born , I have to be available in ways I 'm not accustomed to . " But didn 't you realize that when you embarked on this journey toward parenthood ? Didn 't you consider the cost ? " you may ask . Of course I did ! None of the things we 've been preparing for are surprises to us . We have diapers and wipes and an entire array of baby things we will need to meet the needs of this little girl once she makes her appearance . We recognized almost a decade ago the challenges that come with parenthood . We counted the cost and are still more than willing to meet those challenges head on . But today , as I complete the last day of my 38th week , as my hormones fluctuate in preparation for labor , I realized how fleeting these 38 weeks have been . I look forward to seeing our daughter face to face . To cuddling her , nuzzling her , caring for her , hearing her precious newborn cry . . . We have contenders for names , but haven 't really chosen one or made great efforts toward choosing one . I haven 't yet packed a bag for the Birth Center . We haven 't focused on reading books to learn about parenting or even pregnancy and childbirth for that matter . I didn 't maintain my exercise routine like I imagined I would . I haven 't made many physical preparations for natural delivery as I originally expected and planned to do . I haven 't knit one single stitch for the baby . Not one . I always imagined that the minute I learned I was pregnant I would pick up my knitting needles and not put them down until I had completed a layette , a stuffed animal , booties , a hat , and a blanket for the baby . Instead , I picked up the TV remote , slept a ton , or went out of the house as a distraction . We decided to pursue IVF just before we moved into a house that was damaged by our previous tenants . We scrambled to restore a sense of order to it while DH was away in California for a month of training and prior to him leaving for Iraq . He left for Iraq just after we learned the IVF was unsuccessful and we had lost and were grieving the loss of 14 of 15 embryos . We count them in our hearts as 14 children we have yet to meet . Only when the baby moved or when someone outside of the house commented on my appearance would I remember I was pregnant . I didn 't have a husband doting on me at home , putting his face to my belly and talking to the life growing inside of me . Our baby didn 't really hear her father 's voice until well into the 8th month of pregnancy . I became ill with what felt like , looked like , and yet wasn 't the Flu . There was no one there to bring me water when I needed a drink . No one to bring me something to eat , much less prepare it . I ran fever for six days , by myself , in my room , yet I still had the other cat to take care of . I seldom get sick . When I do , DH is usually there to care for me . It 's also usually normal for me to let my fever run its course and for me to sleep as long as I need to without worrying about eating . With the baby on board , I HAD to eat and I NEEDED to keep the fever down . But , because the baby was on board , a simple cold that wouldn 't have phased me normally , knocked me on my rear and had me bedridden for days . I praise God for my mom who was able to go out of her way to stop by my house twice during that time to bring me medicine and to do what she could to set up my room where I would have to get up as little as possible . For once , the baby was constantly on my mind as I feared I wasn 't staying cool enough with my temperature spiking so frequently , and I feared I was starving the poor child as I was unable to prepare much to eat or even stomach much of anything . Normal was the farthest thing from my world at that time . I recovered physically and then the holidays came . Not only was DH not here for Thanksgiving , Christmas , and the New Year , but my hormones were changing as I settled into a new trimester , my body was expanding as the baby grew , and I foolishly planned to spend every free moment of the holidays with family . . . first with DH 's , and then with my own . I don 't even do that when DH is here to help me keep perspective . I have no idea why I thought it would be a good idea in his absence . Normal was non - existent . The holidays were an emotional disaster for me personally and there were several casualties of my internal war who were deeply affected . While I 've recognized , repented , and done what I could to set things right again following the aftermath , there is still healing that will have to occur before any real sense of normal can be reestablished with some who were involved . On a positive note , my relationship with my mother is stronger than it 's ever been before and I 'm excited for her to be involved with us as the baby arrives . But there were deep wounds elsewhere that will require more than time for healing . At some point in the midst of all of this , DH 's unit said they were coming home . Then they weren 't . Then they were , then they weren 't again . Meanwhile , my support group at church had the other unit 's wives in it , rejoicing when I was sad and sad when I wanted to rejoice , as their husbands ' unit was the counter - tug in our tug - of - war of who gets to come home and who has to stay . When one woman whose husband is enlisted brought up the accusation that I couldn 't understand something because my husband is an officer , I had to quit going to the group . I had enough in my life working against me negatively to subject myself to such accusations and lack of support in the very place I was seeking support . DH 's unit was finally chosen to stay and I was finally able to rest in knowing when he would return . There were some good days , but I was tired a lot and found it difficult to eat . I learned I wasn 't getting enough protein , so I found a new resolve to get more creative and was able to remedy the situation . It 's difficult to have the motivation to prepare ample , healthy food for just myself , especially when I 'm already lacking energy . Had DH been home , cooking would have seemed more necessary , and would have been easier because he would have helped either pick up groceries or taken care of the dishes . . . most likely both . As it was , it was easier for me to eat the bare minimum after my pot of stew for the week ran out when I didn 't even have the energy to clean the now - empty pot . I scrambled to get things in order , attended a birth class ( sans husband ) meanwhile dealing with the aforementioned aftermath of the holidays . During this time , I learned of some very difficult news involving two of our closest friends . DH and I were floored and longed to be there for them in any way possible , yet we were extremely limited in our options . Fasting ( from media , not from food ) and prayer became the new normal for me . Finally , DH was due to arrive ! Yet even that had its drama , requiring me to reschedule plans with the hotel at least three times . And while I had trepidations of what it might be like for my husband to see me for the first time in 8 months and for us to be " reunited " ( ahem ) for the first time since becoming pregnant , at the 8th month mark , I didn 't allow those concerns to overshadow his homecoming . I looked forward to finally regaining a sense of normal . But , as any good military wife knows , so much changes over a deployment . Obviously my body had changed . But the REASON behind my body 's changes was going to be the biggest adjustment . I was excited to have him home and couldn 't wait for him to talk to the baby and help me feel pregnant , help me feel like being pregnant was normal . Neither of us had had any idea how strangely difficult it would be to overcome seven and a half years of thinking of ourselves as incapable of being pregnant . While embracing the fact that we were pregnant was not at all difficult , embracing the pregnancy and all that it involves as something WE were privileged to experience was beyond surreal and far , far from normal . So , here we are . . . in an RV my parents so graciously allowed us to borrow so our cat could stay with us , in a town three hours from my nurse - midwife and the hospital I originally expected to deliver at , three weeks a way from the 40 week mark , completely unprepared for what is to come . As my friends who were due the same time as I am either have already given birth ( prematurely ) or are experiencing symptoms of labor , I am keenly aware of how much preparation for DH and me there is still to be done . We have contingency plans in case our ideal plan of delivery doesn 't pan out , and the baby will have all she needs when she arrives . . . but this is not where or how I imagined I would be at the nearing of our first child 's arrival . Neither of us really knows what we will do when the time to birth this baby comes , but that 's pretty much standard operation for our lives . The plans we have set in advance often fall by the wayside and we usually have to adjust at the last minute to the way things actually pan out . We are planning to prepare better for the delivery , in what little time we have remaining . . . at the very least , I will finally pack a bag ; - ) But I 've been reminded over these last nine months that , while normal is in no way overrated , it is not something that is always beneficial to cling to . Part of why I love the life of being in the military , why I love marriage , and why I longed to experience pregnancy is because of the adventure of it all . " Normal " tames adventure , and let me tell you , this year has been one wild ride ! Definition of " name " ( according to Webster ) : name : ( n ) 1 . a word . . . by which a person . . . is known , called , or spoken to or of . 2 . a word or words expressing some quality considered characteristic or descriptive of a person . . . , often showing approval or disapproval . I 've always been a firm believer that it 's important to use words appropriately to convey intent clearly . I believe that names have a greater importance than general words . If general words lay the foundation for what is being conveyed , then names are the structures built upon that foundation . Perhaps that 's why I 'm such a lover of allegories . When I was born , my parents did not have a name for me . I was nameless for three days . After observing me , they decided that I was very much a Julie , but they did not like the way " Julie Lynn " sounded together . So they named me Julia Lynn and called me Julie . That decision , believe it or not , has shaped my personality more than they could have possibly imagined . There is a significant part of me that LOVES being a girly - girl . I adore dressing up in fancy dresses for balls or to go to the opera , having my hair done and wearing makeup for those occasions . I 'm attracted to victorian style furniture , decor , and jewelry . And I have an uncanny ability of determining ( without ever seeing a price tag ) that the most expensive item in a store , is exactly the item that I need . I welcome structure , enforce rules , and want everyone to like who I am . That ( in my opinion ) is the " Julia " in me . There 's another part of me that HATES small talk , chit - chat , and shopping for clothes . I despise wearing shoes for the sake of fashion . I 'm clueless as a whole when it comes to fashion and would rather wear jeans and a casual shirt than have to think about what cut and style of clothing looks best on me . I have a significant lack of awareness of time , am easily distracted . The only jewelry I wear is my wedding band , engagement ring , and a simple pair of earrings . I 'd rather stay home than have to organize or initiate an outing , but I 'm happy to get together with friends as long as someone else is planning the affair . I need others to extend grace to me on a regular basis and I let my temper get the best of me more often than is fitting for a lady . This ( in my opinion ) is the " Julie " in me . As a child , I had more of a tendency toward the " Julia " personality . But once I had to face real life , the " Julie " in me took precedence . It wasn 't until I was shopping for a wedding gown that I had to physically deal with my internal conflict . I tried on gown after gown ( the one in the magazine that was perfect was , of course , WAY out of our price range ) . One gown would shout " Julia ! " whereas the next gown would scream " Julie ! " Over and over again I would find one or the other , until finally I put on a dress that encompassed all of me . Initially , when we started talking about names and considering different ones , we didn 't know if we were having a boy or a girl . Finding a name for a boy was no struggle . We agreed right away . We simply could not agree on any names for a girl . Names I loved , for both their meaning and sound , he hated . Names he loved , I couldn 't stand . Meanwhile , I was sharing our top ten picks with friends and family . It wasn 't until after I 'd already told several people names that we were considering that DH informed me he wanted to keep the name a secret until the baby arrived , especially since we were having trouble deciding . I had a conversation with DH last night in which I ( half - jokingly ) said , " Why doesn 't God still do that whole ' send an angel or appear to you in person to tell you what to name your kid ' thing ? It 'd be a LOT easier ! Especially since names are so important to Him . " I also told him that there are very few names in the bible that the person didn 't turn out to be exactly like the meaning of their name . I told him that I could think of three reasons this might be the case . 1 ) It could be that names carry such weight and significance that when someone is given a name they are destined to become what that name signifies ( this argument goes out the window with a name like Cameron given to someone who was born with a straight nose ) ; 2 ) It could be that the names in the bible are all allegorical ( my least favorite supposition ) for the sake of impacting the listener / reader in the retelling of the life and event ( the names have been changed to protect the innocent , kind of thing ) ; or 3 ) It could be that biblical names took on their meaning because of the way the people bearing those names turned out . Personally , I think options 2 & 3 are very far - fetched . Number 2 would take a whole blog post to debate , but number 3 disregards the fact that people were named at birth with a Hebrew word that sounded like , or actually was , a word with an already set meaning . I am a subscriber to the first theory . I believe that people tend to become what they are named . Whether this is because their parents were compelled to name them something that matched their personality or because words truly do have power , I 'm not 100 % sure . I 'm actually inclined to believe it 's a little bit of both . I also think that 's why God made such a big deal with specific characters in telling their parents what their child was to be named , because He had huge plans for them . At the same time , I also believe that our child currently has her personality . That she is who she will become at the core of her being . That God designed her with a specific character that we will have a hand in shaping and training , but that is already there within her . I also believe that He already has a name chosen for her . I just wish He would clue us in on what it is ; - ) Have you ever met someone that just didn 't fit their name ? It 's rare , but it happens . And when it does , it 's a little off - putting . Truthfully , those are the people I can NEVER remember their names . . . ever . I almost always want to call them by a name that isn 't theirs . After I told her that we were not planning to share the names we were considering , she selectively " forgot " that we had said that and decided to try to get me to let her play a guessing game . Why I didn 't just walk away , I don 't know , but I should have . Sure enough , she guessed the dreaded NICK - NAME of the actual name at the top of our list . I have a thing against nick - names . They 're a nick of a name ! They 're not the real deal , they 're a shortening of it . To me it 's like saying part of that person isn 't important . If I 've chosen a name , it 's because of it 's meaning . The entire name has significance and I don 't want to shorten it . I realize that some people ( like my husband ) just can 't help it because it 's their way of creating a term of endearment . . . I will have to live with that . And some people plan to use the nick - name from the beginning because it encompasses what they want conveyed through the name or what they see in the child . But for me it 's like when my husband said , " Hey ! We could name her Elizabeth and then call her Beth ! " and my response was , " Why not just name her Beth ? " His response was , " Because Elizabeth is a beautiful name . " So I replied , " Then why not call her Elizabeth ? " Nick - names are just lost on me . So , the drama . My mom said the dreaded nick - name , the one I had told DH that he is the ONLY person I would allow to call our daughter that name because I couldn 't stand it and I knew why he loved it and could appreciate that with him . My mother said it with such a look of tenderness and longing . . . a look that conveyed " that is the most precious name I can think of and I hope I get to call her that one day , " that I knew if we decided for certain to go with that name that there was NO WAY I could keep my mom from calling her by the shortened name that I hate . I was angry that she guessed it , I was angry that I allowed her to continue her guessing game , and I was angry that she didn 't respect that we didn 't want to tell people the name in advance and that included her . I was able to talk to her about it the next day after I had cooled off a bit and had time to process why I had become angry . Since then , I 've also realized that a lot of why I became angry ( besides the hormones ) is that I struggle very much with pride and stubbornness and with a strong will . A sure way of derailing my thought and making me obsess over something is to assert that something that was originally " my " idea is in fact your idea . Drives me absolutely insane . So the thought of my mother thinking that she essentially named our child , or significantly influenced us in the direction of naming our child , got under my skin faster than you can blink ! I immediately texted DH and told him we could NOT use that name , ever , and it took me almost an entire 24 hours to calm down enough to think rationally . So this morning , I noticed a bunch of people had suddenly commented on a picture in my Facebook pregnancy album . ( I 've taken great pains not to post those pictures in the main feed for the sake of my infertile friends , and I simply post a status update that I have added new pictures to the album if they 're interested in viewing them . Now with that " live feed " side - bar I may as well be posting them on the main feed because once someone comments on the picture it announces it to the world . ) One of the comments this morning was from my mother - in - law , and wouldn 't you know that she went and made a comment about a particular name that keeps coming to her mind . The worst part is , it 's the middle name that is at the top of the list , which I 've recently been wavering on , I might add . It irritated me that she felt compelled to comment , but it irritated me even more that it was in a public forum . At least my mom did her guessing game privately . Well , this afternoon , my mother - in - law called me and casually mentioned her comment on my photo and said , " I just couldn 't help myself , " and I held my tongue and kept from saying , " I wish you would have . " Instead , I said , " Well , we 'll tell people her name when she 's born , " and she gushed on and on about how absolutely that was what we needed to do and it was a good idea and so on and so forth . And she meant it ! And then she proceeded to say , " Well , have you considered [ this name ] ? What about [ this one ] ? I 've always liked [ this name ] . You could always use part of your own name . Do any of your grandmothers have a good name you could use ? " I know she 's just trying to be helpful , but it reminds me of when people would tell us , " Have you considered adoption ? " as if it was something we 'd never heard of before and their suggestion of it would be the " aha ! " moment we needed to " fix " our infertility ! It FEELS like people think we 're somehow clueless and incapable when it comes to picking out names . We 're not clueless ! We 're cautious ! A name is a big deal . It 's a decision that lasts a lifetime and affects another person for the rest of their life . I told DH this morning that it 's as big a decision as deciding to get married ! It 's a big deal . I wish I were more like my sisters and could just roll with the tide and swell of people submitting their un - asked - for two cents . I wish I could , with ease and grace , respond with a cute little quip that would make the person know their intent was well - received , but still make them stop at the same time . Unfortunately , the Julia in me is not shining through at this time and the temperamental Julie is getting the better of me . One of these days , I hope to look back at all this silliness and laugh . In the mean time , I 'm having to learn not only to hold my tongue , but also to keep my face from displaying clearly every thought I 'm thinking . ( And I could use a ton of prayer about my attitude . ) I took great pains creating a title to the blog . Up to that point , the only blogs I had read were gluten - free blogs , a blog written by a Hooters girl , and personal friends ' and family 's blogs . . . all of which had pictures and most of which insisted if you didn 't have pictures then no one would read your blog . But I digress . You see , when I first decided to write the blog , I knew that I was finally content with our circumstances . And it 's been my experience in life that just when I get comfortable with how God has things , He changes them . So , while I didn 't know that our family was going to expand as quickly as it did , I knew that something was liable to change . . . even if that something was simply my contentment with circumstances . I 've been thinking for months that I need to get back to blogging . But each time that thought entered my mind it was immediately followed by the question , " But what would I say ? " Then today , my Dear Husband made the comment to me , all the way from Kuwait , that it had been forever since I had posted on my blog . I knew then that I couldn 't put it off any longer . The irony is , my Dear Husband and I are actually STILL walking on the journey through Infertility . This pregnancy hasn 't miraculously cured us of the problems that have kept us from getting pregnant over the last 7 1 / 2 years . We still get angry when we know people who readily terminate a pregnancy simply because it 's inconvenient , and we still tell them " We 'll adopt the baby if you 'll take it to term . " We still get annoyed when we see and hear parents take their kids for granted and fail to recognize what a blessing they are . One of my dear friends who has two beautiful daughters through IVF helped me see early on that Infertility doesn 't disappear once a pregnancy is achieved . Although there are those unique stories of women who never struggle to get pregnant after their first pregnancy , in many circumstances this is not the norm . My aforementioned friend shared with me that she still catches herself wondering each month if maybe this month they will be pregnant . At the time , I had it in my head that if I could just get pregnant then all the pain would disappear . Her words brought home the reality that pregnancy isn 't always the remedy for , or antidote to , Infertility . We are still on this journey . But the emotions we face now and the struggles we are encountering are new and uncharted . We don 't fit in the Fertile world . We never will , and I 'm thankful for that because I appreciate the different perspective we 've been granted through our struggle . But we also don 't fit entirely in the Infertile world because ( despite my husband being deployed for the duration ) , we are experiencing what is often the deepest longing of couples enduring Infertility . . . the presence and experience of life growing inside of my body , forever changing our world , forever changing our perspective . This is a blog about the journey through infertility . I write about my journey , but I am not alone . I wanted to create a safe place where others on this journey can read the heart of one who walks where they walk . Those who have friends dealing with infertility are welcome here , too . It is my hope that in sharing my journey with others , others will be encouraged in their own journey .
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" . . . Now hope that is seen is not hope . For who hopes for what he sees ? But if we hope for what we do not see , we wait for it with patience . " Romans 8 : 24b - 25 Eventually I transitioned into a place where I was okay with the function of the household but I was needing a break from being needed . If my sweet baby didn 't need me , my husband did . And if it wasn 't my husband , it was my cat . And on the days when even my cat was content , some crisis would erupt in some other part of my life and more than anything I just wanted to be selfish and curl up in my bed and be alone for as long as anyone would let me . Which brings me to this moment . I still don 't know what to write or how to write it in a way that won 't alienate many of you who hold a very real place in my heart . But I realized that when I wasn 't checking my e - mail and couldn 't do more than just glance at Twitter , I already lost much of the bond that had formed with so many that I care about in this community . When I would post , it would be pictures of EG , which I 'm certain were not welcomed by all on Twitter . I lost followers , and I lost touch . With a complete lack of blog posts , my reason for not blogging was actually coming to fruition because when I became silent , I alienated not just some , but ALL . I care deeply about this community and I know there are still those I 've connected with who care deeply about me , DH , and EG ( and yes , even our cat , G ) . So , I 've decided to blog again . Not just for myself . Not just for those I 've already connected with . But for those who may yet stumble upon this blog . My story didn 't end when we finally conceived . Our journey through infertility still continues . We are just traveling a part of the journey that isn 't on the map for everyone . Everyone 's journey is different , even among those of us who have children . I 'd love for you to continue walking alongside me on this journey , and I hope to be a blessing to you along the way . I told DH all of this as he supported me in my less than rational state of mind . And then I said , " She 's safe inside of me . Once she 's born , she 's not safe . " And that 's part of it . Granted , a lot can go wrong on the inside just as it can on the outside , and her being in me doesn 't keep her any safer than she would be outside of me . But there 's that sense that right now she 's protected . She 's protected from my mood swings , from temperature changes , from hunger , from diaper rash , from the cat 's curiosity . . . And in a way , I 'm protected , too . I don 't yet have to be " super - mom . " Sure , right now I have to take care of my body , but I do that anyway . Once she 's born , I have to be available in ways I 'm not accustomed to . " But didn 't you realize that when you embarked on this journey toward parenthood ? Didn 't you consider the cost ? " you may ask . Of course I did ! None of the things we 've been preparing for are surprises to us . We have diapers and wipes and an entire array of baby things we will need to meet the needs of this little girl once she makes her appearance . We recognized almost a decade ago the challenges that come with parenthood . We counted the cost and are still more than willing to meet those challenges head on . But today , as I complete the last day of my 38th week , as my hormones fluctuate in preparation for labor , I realized how fleeting these 38 weeks have been . I look forward to seeing our daughter face to face . To cuddling her , nuzzling her , caring for her , hearing her precious newborn cry . . . We have contenders for names , but haven 't really chosen one or made great efforts toward choosing one . I haven 't yet packed a bag for the Birth Center . We haven 't focused on reading books to learn about parenting or even pregnancy and childbirth for that matter . I didn 't maintain my exercise routine like I imagined I would . I haven 't made many physical preparations for natural delivery as I originally expected and planned to do . I haven 't knit one single stitch for the baby . Not one . I always imagined that the minute I learned I was pregnant I would pick up my knitting needles and not put them down until I had completed a layette , a stuffed animal , booties , a hat , and a blanket for the baby . Instead , I picked up the TV remote , slept a ton , or went out of the house as a distraction . We decided to pursue IVF just before we moved into a house that was damaged by our previous tenants . We scrambled to restore a sense of order to it while DH was away in California for a month of training and prior to him leaving for Iraq . He left for Iraq just after we learned the IVF was unsuccessful and we had lost and were grieving the loss of 14 of 15 embryos . We count them in our hearts as 14 children we have yet to meet . Only when the baby moved or when someone outside of the house commented on my appearance would I remember I was pregnant . I didn 't have a husband doting on me at home , putting his face to my belly and talking to the life growing inside of me . Our baby didn 't really hear her father 's voice until well into the 8th month of pregnancy . I became ill with what felt like , looked like , and yet wasn 't the Flu . There was no one there to bring me water when I needed a drink . No one to bring me something to eat , much less prepare it . I ran fever for six days , by myself , in my room , yet I still had the other cat to take care of . I seldom get sick . When I do , DH is usually there to care for me . It 's also usually normal for me to let my fever run its course and for me to sleep as long as I need to without worrying about eating . With the baby on board , I HAD to eat and I NEEDED to keep the fever down . But , because the baby was on board , a simple cold that wouldn 't have phased me normally , knocked me on my rear and had me bedridden for days . I praise God for my mom who was able to go out of her way to stop by my house twice during that time to bring me medicine and to do what she could to set up my room where I would have to get up as little as possible . For once , the baby was constantly on my mind as I feared I wasn 't staying cool enough with my temperature spiking so frequently , and I feared I was starving the poor child as I was unable to prepare much to eat or even stomach much of anything . Normal was the farthest thing from my world at that time . I recovered physically and then the holidays came . Not only was DH not here for Thanksgiving , Christmas , and the New Year , but my hormones were changing as I settled into a new trimester , my body was expanding as the baby grew , and I foolishly planned to spend every free moment of the holidays with family . . . first with DH 's , and then with my own . I don 't even do that when DH is here to help me keep perspective . I have no idea why I thought it would be a good idea in his absence . Normal was non - existent . The holidays were an emotional disaster for me personally and there were several casualties of my internal war who were deeply affected . While I 've recognized , repented , and done what I could to set things right again following the aftermath , there is still healing that will have to occur before any real sense of normal can be reestablished with some who were involved . On a positive note , my relationship with my mother is stronger than it 's ever been before and I 'm excited for her to be involved with us as the baby arrives . But there were deep wounds elsewhere that will require more than time for healing . At some point in the midst of all of this , DH 's unit said they were coming home . Then they weren 't . Then they were , then they weren 't again . Meanwhile , my support group at church had the other unit 's wives in it , rejoicing when I was sad and sad when I wanted to rejoice , as their husbands ' unit was the counter - tug in our tug - of - war of who gets to come home and who has to stay . When one woman whose husband is enlisted brought up the accusation that I couldn 't understand something because my husband is an officer , I had to quit going to the group . I had enough in my life working against me negatively to subject myself to such accusations and lack of support in the very place I was seeking support . DH 's unit was finally chosen to stay and I was finally able to rest in knowing when he would return . There were some good days , but I was tired a lot and found it difficult to eat . I learned I wasn 't getting enough protein , so I found a new resolve to get more creative and was able to remedy the situation . It 's difficult to have the motivation to prepare ample , healthy food for just myself , especially when I 'm already lacking energy . Had DH been home , cooking would have seemed more necessary , and would have been easier because he would have helped either pick up groceries or taken care of the dishes . . . most likely both . As it was , it was easier for me to eat the bare minimum after my pot of stew for the week ran out when I didn 't even have the energy to clean the now - empty pot . I scrambled to get things in order , attended a birth class ( sans husband ) meanwhile dealing with the aforementioned aftermath of the holidays . During this time , I learned of some very difficult news involving two of our closest friends . DH and I were floored and longed to be there for them in any way possible , yet we were extremely limited in our options . Fasting ( from media , not from food ) and prayer became the new normal for me . Finally , DH was due to arrive ! Yet even that had its drama , requiring me to reschedule plans with the hotel at least three times . And while I had trepidations of what it might be like for my husband to see me for the first time in 8 months and for us to be " reunited " ( ahem ) for the first time since becoming pregnant , at the 8th month mark , I didn 't allow those concerns to overshadow his homecoming . I looked forward to finally regaining a sense of normal . But , as any good military wife knows , so much changes over a deployment . Obviously my body had changed . But the REASON behind my body 's changes was going to be the biggest adjustment . I was excited to have him home and couldn 't wait for him to talk to the baby and help me feel pregnant , help me feel like being pregnant was normal . Neither of us had had any idea how strangely difficult it would be to overcome seven and a half years of thinking of ourselves as incapable of being pregnant . While embracing the fact that we were pregnant was not at all difficult , embracing the pregnancy and all that it involves as something WE were privileged to experience was beyond surreal and far , far from normal . So , here we are . . . in an RV my parents so graciously allowed us to borrow so our cat could stay with us , in a town three hours from my nurse - midwife and the hospital I originally expected to deliver at , three weeks a way from the 40 week mark , completely unprepared for what is to come . As my friends who were due the same time as I am either have already given birth ( prematurely ) or are experiencing symptoms of labor , I am keenly aware of how much preparation for DH and me there is still to be done . We have contingency plans in case our ideal plan of delivery doesn 't pan out , and the baby will have all she needs when she arrives . . . but this is not where or how I imagined I would be at the nearing of our first child 's arrival . Neither of us really knows what we will do when the time to birth this baby comes , but that 's pretty much standard operation for our lives . The plans we have set in advance often fall by the wayside and we usually have to adjust at the last minute to the way things actually pan out . We are planning to prepare better for the delivery , in what little time we have remaining . . . at the very least , I will finally pack a bag ; - ) But I 've been reminded over these last nine months that , while normal is in no way overrated , it is not something that is always beneficial to cling to . Part of why I love the life of being in the military , why I love marriage , and why I longed to experience pregnancy is because of the adventure of it all . " Normal " tames adventure , and let me tell you , this year has been one wild ride ! Definition of " name " ( according to Webster ) : name : ( n ) 1 . a word . . . by which a person . . . is known , called , or spoken to or of . 2 . a word or words expressing some quality considered characteristic or descriptive of a person . . . , often showing approval or disapproval . I 've always been a firm believer that it 's important to use words appropriately to convey intent clearly . I believe that names have a greater importance than general words . If general words lay the foundation for what is being conveyed , then names are the structures built upon that foundation . Perhaps that 's why I 'm such a lover of allegories . When I was born , my parents did not have a name for me . I was nameless for three days . After observing me , they decided that I was very much a Julie , but they did not like the way " Julie Lynn " sounded together . So they named me Julia Lynn and called me Julie . That decision , believe it or not , has shaped my personality more than they could have possibly imagined . There is a significant part of me that LOVES being a girly - girl . I adore dressing up in fancy dresses for balls or to go to the opera , having my hair done and wearing makeup for those occasions . I 'm attracted to victorian style furniture , decor , and jewelry . And I have an uncanny ability of determining ( without ever seeing a price tag ) that the most expensive item in a store , is exactly the item that I need . I welcome structure , enforce rules , and want everyone to like who I am . That ( in my opinion ) is the " Julia " in me . There 's another part of me that HATES small talk , chit - chat , and shopping for clothes . I despise wearing shoes for the sake of fashion . I 'm clueless as a whole when it comes to fashion and would rather wear jeans and a casual shirt than have to think about what cut and style of clothing looks best on me . I have a significant lack of awareness of time , am easily distracted . The only jewelry I wear is my wedding band , engagement ring , and a simple pair of earrings . I 'd rather stay home than have to organize or initiate an outing , but I 'm happy to get together with friends as long as someone else is planning the affair . I need others to extend grace to me on a regular basis and I let my temper get the best of me more often than is fitting for a lady . This ( in my opinion ) is the " Julie " in me . As a child , I had more of a tendency toward the " Julia " personality . But once I had to face real life , the " Julie " in me took precedence . It wasn 't until I was shopping for a wedding gown that I had to physically deal with my internal conflict . I tried on gown after gown ( the one in the magazine that was perfect was , of course , WAY out of our price range ) . One gown would shout " Julia ! " whereas the next gown would scream " Julie ! " Over and over again I would find one or the other , until finally I put on a dress that encompassed all of me . Initially , when we started talking about names and considering different ones , we didn 't know if we were having a boy or a girl . Finding a name for a boy was no struggle . We agreed right away . We simply could not agree on any names for a girl . Names I loved , for both their meaning and sound , he hated . Names he loved , I couldn 't stand . Meanwhile , I was sharing our top ten picks with friends and family . It wasn 't until after I 'd already told several people names that we were considering that DH informed me he wanted to keep the name a secret until the baby arrived , especially since we were having trouble deciding . I had a conversation with DH last night in which I ( half - jokingly ) said , " Why doesn 't God still do that whole ' send an angel or appear to you in person to tell you what to name your kid ' thing ? It 'd be a LOT easier ! Especially since names are so important to Him . " I also told him that there are very few names in the bible that the person didn 't turn out to be exactly like the meaning of their name . I told him that I could think of three reasons this might be the case . 1 ) It could be that names carry such weight and significance that when someone is given a name they are destined to become what that name signifies ( this argument goes out the window with a name like Cameron given to someone who was born with a straight nose ) ; 2 ) It could be that the names in the bible are all allegorical ( my least favorite supposition ) for the sake of impacting the listener / reader in the retelling of the life and event ( the names have been changed to protect the innocent , kind of thing ) ; or 3 ) It could be that biblical names took on their meaning because of the way the people bearing those names turned out . Personally , I think options 2 & 3 are very far - fetched . Number 2 would take a whole blog post to debate , but number 3 disregards the fact that people were named at birth with a Hebrew word that sounded like , or actually was , a word with an already set meaning . I am a subscriber to the first theory . I believe that people tend to become what they are named . Whether this is because their parents were compelled to name them something that matched their personality or because words truly do have power , I 'm not 100 % sure . I 'm actually inclined to believe it 's a little bit of both . I also think that 's why God made such a big deal with specific characters in telling their parents what their child was to be named , because He had huge plans for them . At the same time , I also believe that our child currently has her personality . That she is who she will become at the core of her being . That God designed her with a specific character that we will have a hand in shaping and training , but that is already there within her . I also believe that He already has a name chosen for her . I just wish He would clue us in on what it is ; - ) Have you ever met someone that just didn 't fit their name ? It 's rare , but it happens . And when it does , it 's a little off - putting . Truthfully , those are the people I can NEVER remember their names . . . ever . I almost always want to call them by a name that isn 't theirs . After I told her that we were not planning to share the names we were considering , she selectively " forgot " that we had said that and decided to try to get me to let her play a guessing game . Why I didn 't just walk away , I don 't know , but I should have . Sure enough , she guessed the dreaded NICK - NAME of the actual name at the top of our list . I have a thing against nick - names . They 're a nick of a name ! They 're not the real deal , they 're a shortening of it . To me it 's like saying part of that person isn 't important . If I 've chosen a name , it 's because of it 's meaning . The entire name has significance and I don 't want to shorten it . I realize that some people ( like my husband ) just can 't help it because it 's their way of creating a term of endearment . . . I will have to live with that . And some people plan to use the nick - name from the beginning because it encompasses what they want conveyed through the name or what they see in the child . But for me it 's like when my husband said , " Hey ! We could name her Elizabeth and then call her Beth ! " and my response was , " Why not just name her Beth ? " His response was , " Because Elizabeth is a beautiful name . " So I replied , " Then why not call her Elizabeth ? " Nick - names are just lost on me . So , the drama . My mom said the dreaded nick - name , the one I had told DH that he is the ONLY person I would allow to call our daughter that name because I couldn 't stand it and I knew why he loved it and could appreciate that with him . My mother said it with such a look of tenderness and longing . . . a look that conveyed " that is the most precious name I can think of and I hope I get to call her that one day , " that I knew if we decided for certain to go with that name that there was NO WAY I could keep my mom from calling her by the shortened name that I hate . I was angry that she guessed it , I was angry that I allowed her to continue her guessing game , and I was angry that she didn 't respect that we didn 't want to tell people the name in advance and that included her . I was able to talk to her about it the next day after I had cooled off a bit and had time to process why I had become angry . Since then , I 've also realized that a lot of why I became angry ( besides the hormones ) is that I struggle very much with pride and stubbornness and with a strong will . A sure way of derailing my thought and making me obsess over something is to assert that something that was originally " my " idea is in fact your idea . Drives me absolutely insane . So the thought of my mother thinking that she essentially named our child , or significantly influenced us in the direction of naming our child , got under my skin faster than you can blink ! I immediately texted DH and told him we could NOT use that name , ever , and it took me almost an entire 24 hours to calm down enough to think rationally . So this morning , I noticed a bunch of people had suddenly commented on a picture in my Facebook pregnancy album . ( I 've taken great pains not to post those pictures in the main feed for the sake of my infertile friends , and I simply post a status update that I have added new pictures to the album if they 're interested in viewing them . Now with that " live feed " side - bar I may as well be posting them on the main feed because once someone comments on the picture it announces it to the world . ) One of the comments this morning was from my mother - in - law , and wouldn 't you know that she went and made a comment about a particular name that keeps coming to her mind . The worst part is , it 's the middle name that is at the top of the list , which I 've recently been wavering on , I might add . It irritated me that she felt compelled to comment , but it irritated me even more that it was in a public forum . At least my mom did her guessing game privately . Well , this afternoon , my mother - in - law called me and casually mentioned her comment on my photo and said , " I just couldn 't help myself , " and I held my tongue and kept from saying , " I wish you would have . " Instead , I said , " Well , we 'll tell people her name when she 's born , " and she gushed on and on about how absolutely that was what we needed to do and it was a good idea and so on and so forth . And she meant it ! And then she proceeded to say , " Well , have you considered [ this name ] ? What about [ this one ] ? I 've always liked [ this name ] . You could always use part of your own name . Do any of your grandmothers have a good name you could use ? " I know she 's just trying to be helpful , but it reminds me of when people would tell us , " Have you considered adoption ? " as if it was something we 'd never heard of before and their suggestion of it would be the " aha ! " moment we needed to " fix " our infertility ! It FEELS like people think we 're somehow clueless and incapable when it comes to picking out names . We 're not clueless ! We 're cautious ! A name is a big deal . It 's a decision that lasts a lifetime and affects another person for the rest of their life . I told DH this morning that it 's as big a decision as deciding to get married ! It 's a big deal . I wish I were more like my sisters and could just roll with the tide and swell of people submitting their un - asked - for two cents . I wish I could , with ease and grace , respond with a cute little quip that would make the person know their intent was well - received , but still make them stop at the same time . Unfortunately , the Julia in me is not shining through at this time and the temperamental Julie is getting the better of me . One of these days , I hope to look back at all this silliness and laugh . In the mean time , I 'm having to learn not only to hold my tongue , but also to keep my face from displaying clearly every thought I 'm thinking . ( And I could use a ton of prayer about my attitude . ) I took great pains creating a title to the blog . Up to that point , the only blogs I had read were gluten - free blogs , a blog written by a Hooters girl , and personal friends ' and family 's blogs . . . all of which had pictures and most of which insisted if you didn 't have pictures then no one would read your blog . But I digress . You see , when I first decided to write the blog , I knew that I was finally content with our circumstances . And it 's been my experience in life that just when I get comfortable with how God has things , He changes them . So , while I didn 't know that our family was going to expand as quickly as it did , I knew that something was liable to change . . . even if that something was simply my contentment with circumstances . I 've been thinking for months that I need to get back to blogging . But each time that thought entered my mind it was immediately followed by the question , " But what would I say ? " Then today , my Dear Husband made the comment to me , all the way from Kuwait , that it had been forever since I had posted on my blog . I knew then that I couldn 't put it off any longer . The irony is , my Dear Husband and I are actually STILL walking on the journey through Infertility . This pregnancy hasn 't miraculously cured us of the problems that have kept us from getting pregnant over the last 7 1 / 2 years . We still get angry when we know people who readily terminate a pregnancy simply because it 's inconvenient , and we still tell them " We 'll adopt the baby if you 'll take it to term . " We still get annoyed when we see and hear parents take their kids for granted and fail to recognize what a blessing they are . One of my dear friends who has two beautiful daughters through IVF helped me see early on that Infertility doesn 't disappear once a pregnancy is achieved . Although there are those unique stories of women who never struggle to get pregnant after their first pregnancy , in many circumstances this is not the norm . My aforementioned friend shared with me that she still catches herself wondering each month if maybe this month they will be pregnant . At the time , I had it in my head that if I could just get pregnant then all the pain would disappear . Her words brought home the reality that pregnancy isn 't always the remedy for , or antidote to , Infertility . We are still on this journey . But the emotions we face now and the struggles we are encountering are new and uncharted . We don 't fit in the Fertile world . We never will , and I 'm thankful for that because I appreciate the different perspective we 've been granted through our struggle . But we also don 't fit entirely in the Infertile world because ( despite my husband being deployed for the duration ) , we are experiencing what is often the deepest longing of couples enduring Infertility . . . the presence and experience of life growing inside of my body , forever changing our world , forever changing our perspective . This is a blog about the journey through infertility . I write about my journey , but I am not alone . I wanted to create a safe place where others on this journey can read the heart of one who walks where they walk . Those who have friends dealing with infertility are welcome here , too . It is my hope that in sharing my journey with others , others will be encouraged in their own journey .
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Here it is , the last day of 2010 . The holidays are wrapping up and soon it will be back to the hustle and bustle of everyday life . Like others , I 've been reflecting on the past year . I do this every year to the Honey 's chagrin with my Christmas newsletter . Some years are better than others and some years have many moments to be proud of . For 2010 I 'm pleased with what I 've encountered and experienced , and happy with where the year has taken me . The month of December has flown by as I 've been busy with lessons , meetings , and doing lots of baking . Normally I have my Christmas shopping done by October or early November ( yes , I 'm a freak in that respect ) , but this year most of it hadn 't been done by mid - December . Stress had begun to set in . My mom and sister were coming from out of town for the holidays and that meant a little more stress . I love them dearly , but my sister has a tendency to fly off the handle at the drop of a pin . As she 's matured , my sister has been better at managing her anger , but with her new stressful job she has been letting loose a little too frequently . Nonetheless , it was time to unwind and unwind I did . Cooking relaxes and de - stresses me . When I 'm in the kitchen the tension disappears . I 'm lost in my thoughts or a recipe , or bopping along to a song on the radio . Since moving to our house I 've found myself singing more and more while in the kitchen . I used to quietly hum along or mouth the words . Recently I 've caught myself belting out the lyrics along with the radio , and while I 'm far from being on Broadway , I 've come a long way . In the last month I 've learnt how to make pastry ; something I had always been terrified to try . As a result I 've been making my nana 's mincemeat tarts like crazy . In past years I would just use the frozen pastry tarts at the grocery store and endure the pain the wheat protein would put on my body . But this year , I put fear to the side and went for it . Homemade pastry makes the tarts even better ; just like my nana 's . I also made my first plum pudding . In the Honey 's family Christmas is not Christmas without plum pudding . This was new to me . Although my nana was as English as they come , she made mincemeat and trifle at Christmas . The Honey 's family was all about the pudding , and being Irish , it packed a punch . I kept this in mind as I made mine , an easier recipe than soaking it in booze for weeks and steaming it on the stovetop all day . The honey and a cousin were the first to try as they had many years of tasting practice . Happily it passed . It 's not grandma 's , but it 's still excellent . As Christmas drew closer so did some sadness . While the holiday is about happiness and enjoying family and friends , it 's also a time when we remember those who are no longer with us . As we put up our tree for the first time in years we remembered the Honey 's mom , who loved this time of year . Christmas was her favourite holiday and we remembered how she had decorated the house every year . While every Christmas is difficult , this year was even more so as see had passed away ten years ago at Christmas . And as the New Year comes around , we 're also reminded of her birthday and the death of my nana , who passed away a few weeks later . Remembering my nana is usually easier as we bring up situations that make us laugh or are followed by ' That 's so nana ! ' . Remembering my mother - in - law is harder because she was so wonderful in every way . It 's times like these that remind me to enjoy the moments and take time to enjoy the things that give me pleasure . It also reminds me to surround myself with those I care about ( and care about me ) and spend time with them ( including my sister and her temper tantrums ) . Moments are created , no matter how small they may be , to be remembered . Well , the TESL Ontario Conference was well over a month ago now and my bag of books and notes have finally been unpacked ( better late than never ) . I had taken a few out to use with my students with positive outcomes , and two arrived by courier a month ago and the last one ( the one I 've been dying to receive ) arrived a few weeks ago . The majority of my classes are private and so this One - to - One book looks wonderful . The units are very short ( 2 pages ) and have everything you need . Of course , supplementing the lessons is a given and you could adjust them for the student 's needs and goals . One of my students is very advanced and I couldn 't wait to try this with him . While at the conference I saw / participated in some really great workshops . I may have mentioned before , if the session blurb says ' paper ' or ' presentation ' , I take a pass as that means ' LECTURE ' and from experience they are really dry and boring . I have yet to attend one that hasn 't been like that . I also take a pass at many publisher sessions . I used to think ' Oh awesome , a chance for a free book ' , but often I was disappointed in the presentation and materials . It ended up being a waste of my time . The title has to be pretty catchy and sound very interesting if I 'm going to attend any of those three . Some advice I have for those wanting to go to conferences : 1 ) Choose sessions that you will find interesting and benefit from . If work is paying for you to go and they want you to attend a particular session or two , you might as well as it 's their money ; 2 ) Make time for breaks . You 'll need to visit the washroom , grab something to eat or drink , or need a breather ; 3 ) Take something small to eat . Depending on when the session is , you may get the munchies or your tummy begins grumbling . Have something with you that can tie you over and is somewhat healthy . I discourage noisy snacks ; it 's disrespectful to the presenter and those around you ; 4 ) Take advantage of the tea breaks and water stations . You 'll need to keep hydrated and possibly need the caffeine , especially for those early morning or late afternoon sessions . And don 't worry about chugging them down quickly ; you can take them into the session with you ; 5 ) Didn 't get into the session you wanted ? Stand in line at the session door and if there 's room , you 'll get a spot ; 6 ) Talk to those around you . I don 't mean tell them your life story , but chat and talk about the sessions you 've been to ; 7 ) Take paper and a pen ; 8 ) Wander through the exhibitors and check out the materials . If you 're like me , you 're never sure what to order because you don 't know what the book is really like . This is the perfect opportunity . Even if you don 't buy anything , write down the titles and authors or circle them in the catalogue . Chat to the reps as they may be able to recommend something or help you decide . The materials are usually discounted for the conference and by chatting to the reps , you may be able to obtain the discount if you decide to order a week or so later . An additional bonus of chatting with the reps : If you buy many books , they may be able to give you an even bigger discount ( when one rep found out I was paying for my own materials he gave me two books free - so appreciative when they are normally $ 50 each ) . Andrew Taylor - I Can 't Believe I Learned Grammar His energy filled the room as he presented communicative oral tasks and activities to use with students to teach , practice and improve their grammar . While teachers may use communicative tasks in their lessons , not many may use the excitement and energy needed to get their students interested and excited about it . Weeks later , I still picture him Jazz Chanting ' going to ' sentences while snapping his fingers in keeping time . Mike Simpson - Websites and Blogs Although I often use websites for my lessons , blogs was a new one . I blog , but don 't often use them with my students . There was a new idea or two here relating to blogs , but I 'm not sure if I 'll use them . However , for someone who doesn 't use either one for their lessons or with their students , they are missing a great tool . The possibilities are endless for material , activities , topics and themes , and the dreaded grammar . Angelica Galante - Reducing Learner 's Language Anxiety This workshop discussed some of the ways anxiety occurs with our students and ways to minimize it in the classroom . It was interesting because many teachers do these things already ( I assume ) , but minimizing anxiety may not be the goal , it 's using the suggestions for communicative practice , skills practice , grammar , etc . I found the connection with this just awesome . Teresa McGill and Jayne Edmonds - Crucial Lessons Learned in Corporate ESL This workshop was more like a story - sharing moment for the presenters . From an administrative position it may have been great , but from a teaching point of view , not so much . The gist was not to put all your eggs in one basket : if all your contracts are with one company / department and the contract dries up or goes somewhere else , you 're screwed . It seemed like common sense , but maybe that 's because I 've encountered that situation before at a school I worked for . Tim Westhead - Picture That ! Great Writing Prompts for Students There were great ideas presented ( sadly I use them all already so didn 't learn anything new ) in using pictures and visuals with your students for writing prompts , advertisements , guiding with headlines and ideas . From experience , these really work well and if your students are hesitant to write , try them out . A word of warning : Tim Westhead likes to make comments about how little teachers are paid , the school should pay for your materials , etc , etc ; and if you 're like me and work in the private sector ( unlike Tim who worked for a school board ) , this can be really annoying . I 'm sure Tim would be shocked to learn the salary I survive on . So my advice , try to ignore it as the other stuff he says is pretty interesting and helpful . Marijke Wertheim - Activities for Teaching Listening Strategies I 'd heard positive things from a peer about this one - and it was really great . I took so much away with me on using listening material other ways . Tables worked together discussing strategies and ideas , and luckily , there was time for some Q and A at the end . Although I had tried things suggested before ( yea me ! ) , I hadn 't realized the benefits and outcome for the students . Here , you 're getting away from the typical textbook listening tasks . You know the ones . They just test your students on the right / wrong answers . Instead you can use them for teaching strategies , use for critical thought , the type of language used , discussion , making predictions beforehand , having students write questions to answer themselves , do note - taking , and analyze language , tone or emotion . However , to do this you have to give the students a very specific purpose ( like any of those just listed ) and build up to it like you would with any other task . Blogs and websites can be amazing . Seeing what people are making , hearing about what 's going on , learning about certain things . Personally , I 've come to really enjoy them . But the one thing that is missing from blogs and websites are mistakes . We all make them . No one , and I mean no one , is perfect ; including Martha [ Stewart ] and my step - mother despite what they may think . Last month Karina , at Gluten - Free Goddess , apologized to her readers because she hadn 't taken any pictures of her latest creations . They didn 't look good enough was her reasoning . It got me thinking : Must everything be perfect to post ? Are people afraid to post their mistakes ? As an ESL teacher I urge my students to make mistakes and not be concerned with them as that helps their learning and improvement ( believe it or not ) . I also see things I do or mistakes that happen as ways to learn . I keep a simple gardening journal to help me with this for our garden . I don 't want to repeat my mistakes in the garden as they can be costly . Mistakes help us learn either for our improvement or not to repeat what we 've done . What I 'm trying to say is : Don 't feel like you 're alone . Mistakes happen and everyone makes them . Especially those who you don 't think encounter them . This week has been much of a write - off . Besides having my usual students , I had two government French tests to do on Friday - reading and writing . My French isn 't too bad and I can usually pass as an intermediate , but it 's often a struggle . And don 't expect perfection . My French teacher often wondered how I could use conditionals with ease yet mess up my prepositions so badly . I take French courses here and there trying to keep it up and fresh , but ironically , I have little opportunity for practice . When I have the chance to speak with some colleagues it 's usually just the pleasantries , and there 's absolutely no chance of speaking French with my students . I 'm being paid to speak with them in English , not just during class , but also before and after . This week was cram week and it isn 't fun to cram with languages . Literature , environmental science , business , okay - doable . But languages , forget it . My teacher , who was also swamped this week , was nice enough to meet with me and give me some tips , notes , and some practice tests . I also borrowed some materials from school to help me out and dug out my notes . An advantage was that I know what the test was about , what ' they ' are looking for , and tricks that get you ( ie Anglicisms ) . I took the tips and tricks I give my students and applied them for myself . Doesn 't seem to bad , does it ? With a week of cramming things got a little neglected around the house . Pans from the previous weekend were left on the stove . Not as much laundry got washed , and if it did , it was on the drying rack a lot longer than usual . Papers were left on the dining room table instead of going into my students ' files , hence being left at home . And Zoba still wanted her scratches and playtime . Like a usual cat , these didn 't last too long before she got bored or tired ( our critter is a little out of shape ) . Raspberry Roobios tea from David 's Tea helped keep my nose in the books . Dinner was fast and easy this week . I picked up some tilapia and chicken breasts and made enough to last a few evenings . I put them on some foil , drizzled some lemon juice on the foil ( not the meat ) , sprinkled some herbs de Provence on them all , and popped them into the oven . I had also picked up those big packaged salads , the ones in the container with all the veggies . With a homemade dressing we could still have a quick and healthy meal . Some canned soup got me through the week too . Some of my students had cancelled due to meetings so I got to come home for lunch and get more studying done . We always have some cans or boxes in the cupboard and while I don 't usually like having them as a meal ( homemade is my way to go ) , they are perfect for those days you forgot to put a lunch together . And how did the tests go ? Don 't ask . I 'm purposely not thinking about them . We 'll see what happens with the results arrive in a week or two . Waking up to a good layer of snow on the ground this morning signalled that winter is finally here . Even though winter doesn 't officially arrive until December 21st , many experience it much earlier than that . Exactly a month ago we drove home from Toronto and encountered the first snowfall almost as soon as we drove onto the 416 ramp . Today winter seems to have arrived as it is now past noon and the layer is still there and every once in a while I see a light snowfall . While I have been retreating more and more inside as the weather gets cooler and cooler , I have been turning to foods that are simple , easy , and warm you up inside . While this is far from world - class nosh , it makes me happy . It uses ingredients that one has on hand . Pop it in the open , then it 's ready . Salmon done simply is how it should be . No crazy sauces or reductions , and leave off the butter and cream . Lemon , herbs , or something little to add a little flavour is all that is needed . Fish shouldn 't be complex and I find it one of the easiest things to do . I began eating fish when I found out about my wheat allergy a decade ago and find it light , healthy , and rewarding to cook . You don 't have to do much to it and the flavours come out . I often do the same with my vegetables . No heavy and overpowering sauces . I like vegetables and I want to taste them . There are a few exceptions , but more often than not I simply use some olive oil , some vinegar , some herbs , and a little salt and pepper . You can 't go wrong . This week I chopped up some broccoli , peppers , and tomatoes , and spread them on a baking sheet . I drizzled over some olive oil , red wine vinegar , and herbs de Provence . You can use whatever kind of oil , vinegar , and herbs you like . The combinations are endless . I also laid down some salmon and topped it with some curry paste that was in the fridge . I don 't spread it on too thick , just enough so the flavours can seep into the fish . Salmon and curries are both flavourful on their own and together they are a nice balance . Again , use whatever you like for your fish and experiment with the kind of fish too . Sometimes I drizzle maple syrup , layer on some pesto , use lemon and dill , or serve with cranberry sauce on the side . There are so many options that are naturally gluten - free . If there is something you miss from a jar or can that contains a gluten product , do an online search or check out a cookbook . You may be surprised to find a recipe for it and in its ' natural form ' it may be gluten - free ( if not , for the amount you could substitute a gluten - free flour or remove it altogether ) . I try my best to eat what 's in my fridge , but sometimes things get pushed to the back , forgotten about , or I just don 't feel like eating what 's there . On weekends I try to get rid of the stuff accumulated during the week . Some weekends there is hardly anything to go into the compost bin and I feel happy that very little has been wasted . But sometimes there 's a lot , and I do feel badly about it . This weekend I was surprised . At the back , behind a bunch of bottles of homemade salad dressing , a tetra pack of wine ( not much in that either I might add ) , and a tub of yogurt was a bottle of HP Sauce . I loooovvvvve Hp Sauce . No wait … . I loved HP Sauce . It 's forbidden . After my eyes opened wide in awe , they became small and sad . I remembered pouring that over my vegetarian shepard 's pie or sometimes on my weekend eggs ( don 't knock it till you try it - yes , I realize many of you can 't ) . The flavour is special and brings back many memories . A cook at one of the restaurants I worked in would tease me frequently because of the irony in a vegetarian loving a steak sauce . There wasn 't much left in the bottle and it had been turned upside down . It had been there a while , a long , long while . At least it wasn 't a potato or an apple that would have gone all gross and stinky . But then maybe I would have found it earlier and not been so sad . Down the drain the last little squirt went ( literally it was one little squirt - why did I put that back in the fridge ? ! ) and rinsed the bottle , and out in the blue box it went . It got me wondering if a gluten - free HP Sauce exists . Unfortunately my second surprise of the weekend wasn 't the same . The Honey and I met some family to celebrate his dad 's 70th birthday . They had chosen an Italian restaurant they all enjoyed in Gatineau . I grew anxious after my mother - in law raved about their bread and how you could toast your own . I checked out the website to see what they had . It was your typical Italian fare . I 'd eaten at some Italian restaurants in the last year and had success , plus a wonderful meal , with the help of understanding wait and kitchen staff . On Friday I call Pancini and was assured I wouldn 't have any problems . I only needed to make my waiter aware and I 'd be fine . Relieved I began looking forward to it . My happiness continued as greetings and conversation flowed around the table . The frigid temperatures couldn 't waver anyone 's jovial mood . Decision time came and I informed our waitress of my allergy so asked for salmon , plain , and some salad on the side . After repeating that I didn 't want pasta she realized what I wanted and why . The Honey was unable to move from his spot at the table ( or so he says ) and was unable to get himself some bread . After some prodding ( aka begging ) I relented and went to the bread station , buttered two slices of bread and put them on the BBQ . After some searching our waitress finally found me and I hoped she believed me when I told the bread wasn 't for me ( I have no idea why I felt guilty if I wasn 't eating it ) . There was a problem and she had the allergy booklet with her . So we took a look through the booklet to see if there was something else I could have . Every single item in that booklet ( and the corresponding menu ) had wheat . EVERYTHING ! Everything from the salad dressing to the cheese contained wheat . It wasn 't possible to get something plain because it still contained wheat . Wait , I forgot ! The fries didn 't have any wheat in them . It was my second worst nightmare ; the first being accidently eating it and finding out afterwards . I was sad . Then I became frustrated . Then I became angry . And the hungrier I became the angrier I got . Had the person I spoke to been honest , I would have eaten at home first . I didn 't since I thought I was able to have a nice meal . I tried my best to be nice and polite to our waitress , after all it wasn 't her fault . She did her best and brought me an appetizer salad ( aka plain lettuce ) . She probably had no idea that there was a crouton lurking at the bottom of the bowl . My main salad looked a bit nicer , with some tomatoes and artichokes . But given the track record , the sliced ham on top probably had wheat in it as well , so off to the side of the bowl it went . The bright side : I had a nice glass of wine at hand all evening and the company was thoroughly enjoyable . A morning in Arnprior was where we decided to spend some of our Sunday . We did go for other reasons but my third surprise made up for the fiasco the night before . We parked the car and began our stroll downtown . We 'd never been and so didn 't know what to expect . It seemed like a nice little place . We rounded the corner and saw a sign - something , something , gluten - free . Both of us thought the same thing : ' Get out ! Here ? ! ? ' . It was late in the morning and our tummies were beginning to rumble a bit . Our tiny breakfast wasn 't satisfactory enough . We walked in tempted by what we might encounter . The Cupboard is a restaurant where everyone seems to gather for their weekend breakfast . Friends met for coffee , other friends chatted as they passed on their way out , and many couples were there for breakfast . Our waitress was a happy woman who gladly answered my questions . They had gluten - free toast , cereal and pancakes . The pancakes were tempting , but I really wanted to dip some nice gf toast into my runny yolks . I wasn 't disappointed . The toast was just like regular toast ; a crisp crust and soft interior . She was happy to chat and answer questions about the demand in Arnprior . We were shocked when she told us how much bread she goes through in a week as people request the gluten - free bread for any kind of sandwich . The demand is there in Arnprior . If you happen to be ' in the Prior ' , pop into The Cupboard at the corner of John and Elgin . Have a great inexpensive breakie or a nice sandwich . Or if there is a nice sunny day and you have nothing to do , take the time and decide if it 's worth the trip . I think it just might be . Everyone has their idea of comfort food . For some it 's soup that sticks to your ribs , for others its crispy salty potato chips , and possibly mom 's cooking . I have many depending on my mood and last week it was peanut butter and banana sandwiches . I didn 't eat these all the time as a child , but I did eat them often . They were one of my favourites . I have fond memories of the peanut butter sticking to the roof of my mouth or being the sticky contrast to the soft banana . They also got me through university and have become a quick no - fail sandwich in my ' real world ' life . With my hectic ( read erratic and quasi - crazy ) schedule of late they are perfect for a filling lunch while packing a protein punch . Friends have mentioned how much their tea consumption has gone up in the last month or so ; mostly due to the cooler weather rolling in and the dreary skies . Tea , no matter the type , flavour , and caffeine level , has a way of making everything alright . It makes you feel warm inside and the cool weather outside seems to disappear . Last week I put tea aside for my chocolate cravings . I needed hot chocolate . Luckily there was a box of chocolate almond milk in the cupboard . After a few minutes in the microwave ( or on the stove if you must ) you have a nice cup of hot chocolate . The Honey and I have spent many evenings curled up on the couch with a cup of warm , thick , velvety chocolate drink . Even he doesn 't miss the milk . Life has been quite busy lately and as a result , my posts haven 't been as frequent . Two weeks ago I got a pile of new students so I 've been busy getting used to them and all the lesson planning that comes with it . A friend and I have been busy baking and trying out new recipes plus the ones we love . To top it off , my body has been adjusting to the time change ; always an ordeal that takes days , possibly a week . With all this busy - ness dinners have been quick , calls and emails with friends and family have been sparse or brief , and I have been left very , very tired . Sometimes I wonder what I 've gotten myself into . I 'm not young anymore and my body can no longer handle a lot of the additional stress ( mental and physical ) . Don 't think I 'm wussy , because I 'm not . In fact I 'm far from it . But I do see a difference in me , my present with my past . To top it off , today was a horrible day . We participated in a craft fair with some gluten - free baking and we were left disheartened and angry . There were many reasons that contributed and we should have known what lay ahead when our morning started out badly . Our table spot was in a corner , and it was dark . There also wasn 't a lot of traffic so our hopes of selling much lowered as time went on . Throughout the day my friend and I reminisced of our days of working in pubs and restaurants . Of times when you could tell customers how rude and ridiculous they were behaving . Sometimes I miss those moments , and today we both missed it . We couldn 't get over how rude some people are , and we 're sure that if their children had behaved that way , they would have been smacked on the bum . And this behaviour is quite the opposite of what we encountered last week . There was only encouragement and pleasure , from people who knew a celiac and gluten - eaters alike . We received so many positive comments on how our goodies tasted like ' the real thing ' . As you can imagine , we were very happy and pleased . But today , nothing but snide comments , an ' ew yuck ' here and there ( and they hadn 't even tasted it ! ! ) , and scrunched up noses . Needless to say we were frustrated , both with peoples ' closed - mindness and their disregard for behaving like a human being . Although I 'm one for speaking one 's mind , there 's also a place and time for it . The expression ' If you can 't say anything nice , don 't say anything at all ' as been around for a long time for a reason . Why say something if your only goal is to be hurtful ? Would they like to be told something like that in turn ? I was so tempted , but no . I was trying to market something and needed to be nice . Damn , I hated being nice sometimes ! After many hours of torturing ourselves I returned home . I needed one of these . I don 't drown my sorrows in this stuff , but sometimes it helps loosen those knots and twisted muscles that have accumulated over the course of sometimes stressful moments . Massage therapy helps too , but it isn 't as cheap . Luckily I have a wonderful man . The Honey knows that sometimes I need to get it out . ' Bitch ' as he calls it . An old colleague called it ' A Rick Mercer rant ' . I get it out and then I 'm all better . Even if he pretends he 's listening it helps . We had planned to go out for dinner tonight knowing that I 'd be too tired to cook , and after today I wanted something safe . I wanted something guaranteed to be good . It would help me get over the day . It was decided . The Foolish Chicken it was . The Foolish Chicken never disappoints as the chicken is tender and moist . The dipping sauce has a nice smoky flavour and isn 't overpowering . The sweet potato fries are always good and crispy . A bottle of gluten - free beer or cider is always nice on the side . The atmosphere is always great - - good music , lighting at the perfect level , and a menu and staff that is gluten - free aware . To cap it off , dessert was waiting for me at home . A leftover square - chocolate , coconut , crazy sweetness . The day was officially over and I 've moved on . Recently I spent a few days in Toronto for the annual TESL Ontario Conference . It 's a great opportunity for some professional development and spend time with your peers from across the province . The Honey made the trip with me and he hung out doing whatever he wanted while I attended workshops and seminars . One of the keys to this TESL conference is to register early . If registration opens on the 15th , register on the 15th , and as early as you can . In past years I 've always left it late and been disappointed with what I experienced so this year I registered by noon . And believe it or not , I still had trouble getting into some . Oh well , a Friday morning to sleep an extra hour or so and have breakfast out with the Honey ; can 't complain too much about that . Whenever we 're in T . O we try to get to Wayne Gretzky 's down on Blue Jay Way . We 've been doing this since the restaurant opened oh so many years ago and we 've always enjoyed ourselves . The Honey is an Oiler 's and Gretzky fan , and that 's the only time I saw hockey growing up ( Mom : ' Come on girls ! Wayne 's on T . V ! ' supporting the boy from next - door Brantford ) . As a vegetarian I always found something to eat and at Gretzky 's , the pierogies tasted homemade . This was the first time making the trip since going gluten - free . First things first : The wait staff was very patient and helpful in making decisions and happily asked the kitchen questions if needed . It was very much appreciated ; especially after realizing finding something wasn 't going to be easy . My first two choices ( I always pick two things because I figure one of them is bound to be safe ) were ixnayed - the bison burger ( with breadcrumbs ) and the Thai chicken stir - fry ( flour in the sauce ) . One of the sympathetic waiters went through the menu with me and I finally reluctantly decided on a salad ( It was October ; who wants a salad ? ! ) with seared flank steak . It seemed the most filling , substantial , and warmest salad . The salad dressing was out ; there was flour in it ( again , appreciated the update ) . The suggested plain - old oil and balsamic vinegar ended up being what the salad needed . With the nice roasted peppers , artichoke hearts , cheese , and steak the lighter dressing allowed me to taste the salad for what it was . I was happy . Like old times at Gretzky 's , we had good service and food and that made the evening enjoyable ( the company was good too Honey ! ) . We realized though , our return trips may be for drinks instead since the menu is quite limiting . Drinks at Gretzky 's … that 's still not half - bad . We stayed at the Renaissance Hotel at the Roger 's Centre and were lucky enough to have a room overlooking the stadium . Thursday night we went to bed after seeing workers putting lines on the field below . We opened up the curtains Friday morning to this : About the conference itself : I attended some great workshops and seminars ; met some really nice people , had some good laughs , and of course , picked up some awesome materials . The publishers always attend and it 's a great way to flip through books ( textbooks , resource material , audio guides , whatever ) and decide what you like and don 't like . You can visit their websites to see what they have in their catalogues , but to hold them and flip through the pages gives you a better idea of what you like and if the material is worth it or not . The reps are pretty helpful too , making suggestions or steering you towards something more practical . Of course , the publisher 's have seminars too , but I find they are always pumping up a certain book , and often it 's not what I 'm looking for or need . I 'd rather spend my time elsewhere . Another key to the conference is to take some snacks with you . If you 're going from room to room , there may not be time to grab a bite somewhere or the lines may be too long . And if you 're gluten - free , good luck . I had cinnamon raisin bagels from Natural Pantry in my bag so I ate those whenever the munchies hit . There are water stations throughout the conference and it 's nice to stay hydrated . Always take a drink into the room with you ; you never know when you 'll get thirsty and if you leave you might miss something . There 's a tea / coffee service mid - morning so take advantage of it . Having something warm ( with or without caffeine ) is a nice pick - me - up mid - morning . Also , by day three you may really need that boost . Since I pay for this conference myself ( unlike a friend who receives funding because she teaches LINC ) I try and squeeze in as much as possible . This is never recommended because it 's a sure - fire way to tire yourself out . However , I want to get my money 's worth and learn / experience as much as I can . To balance it out I go to seminars that interest me and benefit me and my teaching . If the session blurb says ' lecture ' or ' paper ' , I take a pass . I find them exhausting . I also take breaks here and there . Often there will be ½ to 1 hour between sessions so I relax in the many chairs throughout the conference or in the hotel lobby . I 'll have a book or magazine to shift my mind to something else . Or I 'll wander through the exhibitors ; flipping through the materials relaxes my mind a bit while putting ideas in there . Lastly , if you can 't get into a seminar , don 't fret . Every seminar has a last - minute - line so if there is room , you can get a seat . Sometimes if there are only a few people in the secondary line , they can all be squeezed in . However , don 't use this to get into every seminar as it can be frustrating if you can 't get in . The weather was nice . You know , the typical warm Toronto ; the urban heat island effect under full swing . Even though we would have liked to spend a few more hours out and about , we decided to head back to Ottawa . It was a good thing too because this is what we came home to : The other night I had a craving for some Pad Thai . There was some peanut sauce in the freezer and thought it would be nice to have the following evening . The rain had returned and it would be perfect to warm me up from the inside . I put it into the fridge to thaw during the day and thought about the veggies covered in that spicy peanut flavour . I was really looking forward to it . I returned home after work , puttered around the house then decided to put on some dinner . I pulled that little plastic container with that light brown mass inside and opened it up . It was refried beans . The two things I hadn 't been bothered to label and of course , as luck would have it , I pulled out the wrong one . What to do with it ? I stuck my head back in the fridge and took a look around . No . No . Ah tortilla shells . I thought they were all gone ! Lucky for me the pack of brown rice tortillas got pushed to the back of the fridge . Even better , some pre - sliced / chopped veggies from a few days prior . Cheese - check . Salsa - check . Fajita seasoning - check . Quesadillas ! In the pan went the veggies to sauté with some herbs and some PC Fajita seasoning ( gluten - free ) . Next , tortillas were placed on a cookie sheet , then the beans were spread on top , followed by the sautéed veggies . The cheese was shredded and sprinkled on top . Lastly , another tortilla was placed on top . In the oven it went until they had browned . Dolloped some salsa and plain yogurt on the side and enjoyed with a New Grist beer . Nice and healthy , and hit the spot . A while back I wrote that the Honey and I had taken a trip to Atlantic City and New York City . I also wrote that I would post some of our discoveries . Well , I 'm finally doing it . Travelling with a gluten allergy is not only tolerable , but do - able . Do some research , but don 't be afraid to wander from your pre - made list . Leave the anxieties at home . New York City I had my list as I had gone through the web searching and cross referencing websites making sure the places were still up and running . It is NY . Its bad enough in Ottawa so I can only imagine in NY . We weren 't there solely to eat so weren 't planning our trip via my list of gluten - free restaurants , which is just as well since there were a number that disappeared by the time we got there . In restaurants it was pretty easy and wait - staff could answer questions or get the answers . Only once did I encounter a ' dummy ' , but I couldn 't get mad as the conversation was just ridiculous . It went like this : There were many salad / sandwich shops around where you could customise your salads . It was great to see that they used a new bowl for every new salad . After the macaroon I was wondering what kind of response I would get requesting a new bowl for mine to be mixed in , but I didn 't have to . PAX Wholesome and Swich Wholesome Sandwich Co have locations throughout Manhattan . Bloom 's Deli on Lexington and 40th was our breakfast place . They have a gluten - free menu and you would not believe the selection . I had gluten - free French toast for the first time in I - don 't - know - how - long . It was delicious ! The Honey was appalled that I put ketchup on it ; always have done that and that 's the way I like it . Another day I had gluten - free pancakes . I had a regular breakfast on our last day so I could dip my gluten - free toast in my over - easy eggs . I haven 't had those in years . Another night we got pizza at Slice , where they make it by the round or slice to order . It was great thin crust pizza and tasted good with New Grist beer ( I 'm starting to like that beer more and more ) . Ironically there were more Canadians in that little restaurant that night than locals ( the cook , a family of ex - pats , a couple , and ourselves ) . Even more creepy was the fact that all of us , except the Honey , were originally from south - western Ontario . And of course we all , except for the Honey , ordered gluten - free crusts . Our last dinner was at Risotteria and it was great . We had gluten free pizzas and breadsticks ; they were divine . I also had a St . Peter 's Sorghum Beer and it was delicious . I don 't know if I was more excited about the beer or the breadsticks or the pizza . It is my mission to find this beer . It tastes like beer ! ! ! ! No funky taste , no yeasty flavour . They also had baked goods and sweets , but I saw the prices and thought I 'd stick to the beer . It was way too good to say ' no ' to . A while back I wrote that the Honey and I had taken a trip to Atlantic City and New York City . I also wrote that I would post some of our discoveries . Well , I 'm finally doing it . Travelling with a gluten allergy is not only tolerable , but do - able . Do some research , but don 't be afraid to wander from your pre - made list . Leave the anxieties at home . Atlantic City The breakfast buffet at our hotel , the Trump Marina , had the usual stuff plus an omelette station , some fruit salad ( out of a jar mind you ) and smoked salmon . I tried to stay healthy and had an omelette with some veggies and cheese . Back at the table I smiled at the smoked salmon on my plate - yeah , weird I know - and draped it on my omelette . Mmmmm . Lunch was a bit more challenging as it was the typical big American buffets with batters and sauces . The restaurants we saw along the boardwalk seemed to be fast food ( pizza and burgers ) , and others just seemed way expensive . Surprisingly many were closed until dinner . We settled on the buffet at the Showboat Casino / Hotel . It 's based on New Orleans and Mardi Gras and so the décor was really cool . The buffet was huge and I did find a few things I could eat . Being lunch time I didn 't want to ask any questions - the long line of people behind me deterred me - so I stuck to the very obvious safe bets . One would still find ample choices . There was also a big salad bar and some fresh fruit . When time came round for dessert I took a peek . Some looked like they may be possible . I asked the woman behind the table and she thought one or two would be fine , but she wanted to check to be on the safe side . I was really pleased to hear that , unfortunately the news wasn 't good as every one had flour in it one way or another . At least the fresh fruit tasted nice and fresh . Dinner was at Melting Pot . I found it online and they could do things for celiac . It was a fondue restaurant and seemed so cool . It was a little more than we had expected to spend ( actually a lot more ) , but there was sooooo much food . We enjoyed every minute of it and many minutes there were . We were literally there for hours because we needed to take breaks here and there . It was worth it though and dinner was fabulous ( luckily for us we won on a slot machine so it paid for dinner and then some ! ) . I wrote the other day that I had made buns / rolls for Thanksgiving . I had never made them before , but there was always a first time . Buns is what I was listed to bring . There wasn 't much of a choice as it was the only thing left . It wasn 't very exciting either . A cousin laughed and replied ' That 's ok . I 'm bring pickles ; like that 's exciting ! ' . I love pickles so to me it was . You can get all kinds of pickles : dills , gherkins , onions , garlic , sweet mix . Buns are buns . So I made some . And boy did word spread . We got out of the car and a cousin asked ' Are those the homemade ones ? ' How did he know ? ' Oh , I heard about them ' . I 'm always taken by surprise when I realize how fast news travels through the Honey 's close - knit family . And it 's quite frequent . After 15 years I 'm still not used to it . Days before I tried out the dinner roll recipe from A . Roberts ' Gluten - Free Baking Classics ( I think I love this book ! ) and it was successful . Sometimes it seems like a crap - shoot with new things . The item looks great and may even smell good , but with the first bite sometimes regret follows . A word of warning though : these buns need to be done in a muffin or bun tin as the dough is on the runny side and it 'll just spread out otherwise . They are nice and fairly light . Inside looks like real bread . The first bite is … heavenly . It tastes like a real bun ! ! The Honey couldn 't stop eating them . These were going to the farm ! 2 tbs sugar2 tsp active yeast2 eggs ( at room temperature ) 1 egg white3 tbs melted butter ¾ cup milk ( or buttermilk ) Add ingredients according to the bread machine instructions . Set bread machine on the gluten - free cycle for the knead cycles only . Allow kneading to continue for 5 - 10 minutes ( at least into the 2 kneading ) then remove from machine and scoop into muffin tin . For large buns , fill cup half full ; for smaller buns , fill cup until bottom is covered ( maybe 1cm ) . Let rise in a warm place for 30 - 40 minutes . Bake at 375 ° for 20 minutes or until browned . Buns will sound hollow when tapped . Thursday evening was another gluten - free baking workshop hosted by Alea at My Real Food Life , and it was another success . The agenda for that night was : gluten - free pumpkin waffles , gluten - free batter for chicken ( or whatever ) , gluten - free tortillas , gluten - free chocolate cake , and lastly gluten - free rosemary crackers . I must say that the crackers were quite fragrant and could be smelled throughout the kitchen , even before being baked . The fresh rosemary was the prominent fragrance of the evening . Like the first workshop , it was great to hang out with others with similar difficulties , frustrations , and moments of joy . People meshed really well chatting about family , work , the weather , and of course what they were making . Some returned from the first workshop and it was like seeing an old friend . Even though hands were busy mixing , chopping , and flipping there was ample time to chat . Lots of time when goodies were being baked . There was a guest appearance by Peter from Judy 's Magic Mixes . It was great to hear him speak about their ( him and his wife ) learning , what works , what doesn 't , the demand of products out there . It was great to have him there and he was patient in answering many questions . He was my partner in making the pumpkin waffles so it was nice to pick his brain a bit on the subject of gluten - free flours . Everything tasted so good and went quickly . Unlike last time there weren 't many leftovers to take home , but that 's a good thing . We couldn 't resist our handmade wares . It seemed at every bite you could hear ' Mmmmmm ' or ' Oh that is so good ' . Yesterday I needed to run to the Glebe for a few errands and decided , since I had the time , to pop into some old and new haunts while I was there . The weather was nice and sunny even though the wind put a chill in the air . I popped into the usual places , like the Glebe Emporium , J . D Adams , and the Papery . I stopped in at Brio to get some wash liquid for delicates . I 've never been one to treat my delicates very nicely and sometimes the work seemed like too much of a hassle . But they have a great product called ' soak ' and all you literally have to do is soak your gear for 10 minutes then rinse . No shaking them around or wringing them out . It couldn 't get any easier than that . I 've been converted . I also popped into Nicastro 's and found some little pieces of cheese that was a nice treat for lunch . I have learnt in the last year that I need to limit the amount of cheese I consume . Too much and my body isn 't happy . Gone are the days of having three types of cheese in the fridge ( along with the parm and cheddar ) . I got a raw goat 's milk hard cheese and a slice of camembert . They were perfect size for two slices of toast . Whenever I 'm in the Glebe I pop into The Wild Oat . I 've always heard that they carry gluten - free goodies , but whenever I 'm there I 'm out of luck . They have their regular wheat laden stuff and many items made with spelt ; fine when I was only wheat - free , but never gluten - free . It was my lucky day because on the shelf were gluten - free date squares and gluten - free chocolate peanut butter squares . I may have mentioned before that I love date squares , but don 't like making them ( what a pain ! ) and so I had to get one . The chocolate peanut butter square had to be tried as well . Lunch was done ! It was hard , but I got them home . Well , at least most of it did . Half of the chocolate and peanut butter square had to be sacrificed for the sake of hunger panes . The date square was great - chewy and moist - and the pb square ; it was just ok . Posted by Every year for Thanksgiving we go to the Honey 's ancestral farm just across the river in Quebec . For me this is interesting and fun ; 1 ) because his family has pretty much worked off this land since they arrived after the potato famine , and 2 ) the family is huge . It 's always nice to see everyone and hang out . There are new additions . Afterwards there 's a football game , and catching up . This year the barn cats are friendly . I was told it is due to the increase of grandchildren and their fondness for the cats . Needless to say there 's a big feast put on by his aunt and uncle and their daughters and daughters - in - law . Even though it is potluck , it is a lot of work and their effort is more than appreciated . This year my contribution was homemade gluten - free buns and a gluten - free pumpkin pie ( I can 't go and not have dessert ! ! ) Every year the meal is fabulous and everyone enjoys every minute of it . Sometimes a little too much . After settling down and letting our food digest , the cards come out . This family loves Euchre and no get - together is free from a few hands . There 's no time for small talk as those cards need to be kept moving . And when you 're done your game , you need to either move on to another table or find a new partner ( if a bathroom break is needed ) . Before you know it , the night comes to an end and it 's time to head back to Ottawa . It 's a day to be thankful for family . Posted by I 'm a thirty - something woman and live in Ottawa . This is about trying to maintain a healthy and happy lifestyle , which isn 't always easy given the bumps in the road of life . Here , I 'll be writing about my adventures , ahhh moments , my job that I love , and any other little quibbles that come up in life .
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Half of Red lay there , cold and inanimate . Detective Ankle knew that Red would never move again unless his other half was found . It had to be found , stat , or it still wouldn 't matter . They 'd be too mismatched to be of any use . The basket they all rode in was clean - no second half of Red detectable amongst everyone else . Detective Ankle had done a lot of pushing and shoving , asked a lot of questions , but no one had seen Red 's other half . They all tried to convince him to settle back - told him Red was just gone . Detective Ankle wasn 't having it . Next , he checked the bathhouse . It was sudsy and warm , but Detective Ankle suspected foul play beneath those calm waters . He dived down deep into the bath , eyes peeled for a flash of red anywhere . Nothing . Finally , Detective Ankle checked the last place he wanted to look . That hot , steaming , confusing room where so many of his friends had gone missing . He asked around as he tumbled , telling his friends to stay on the look out for Red 's other half . They all plead ignorance . He covered every inch of the room , steeling himself to look in every crevice , anywhere Red could have been torn in twain . It was like Red 's mate had just … vanished . Detective Ankle finally returned home , ready to mourn his friend like all the others . But Red wasn 't there . He 'd been removed , taken to the place they were all dumped in eventually . If Detective Ankle had tear ducts , he would have cried . If he had a voice , he would have screamed . Instead , he just clutched his other half and waited with all the other socks in the drawer , hoping no one else would go missing but knowing deep down - someone would . Today 's prompt comes from my friend Arlette H . She gave me the word " Saucy " to go with . I know she probably meant the traditional meanings of the word , but my mind immediately goes to food . So … that 's where I 'm taking this prompt . Roasted garlic and tomatoes , red onion , oregano , basil , salt , and pepper pulse in the food processor with a spicy red wine . Everything is poured into a pot and simmers for thirty minutes , stirred occasionally . Once cooked , a bowl of sauce is set aside . They eat the spaghetti al dente , each noodle perfectly coated in flavor . After dinner , the leftover sauce is placed on a small side table beside a loaf of ciabatta bread , mozzarella cheese , and the leftover wine . The family goes to bed , hoping the house Brownie doesn 't get too tipsy while cleaning up the dinner dishes . I just love the idea of a super classy , Italian Brownie getting an incredible meal for making the house look lovely after a messy dinner . Le sigh . I miss Italy . One night a year , I load up on armor and guns . I head out on the streets . I feed the hungry . And my pay increases by 50 times . Tonight is such a night . It 's Purge night . I head out on my first delivery . It 's twenty blocks away . I put the pizza in its armored bag , strap the bag firmly to the back of my bike and head out . My motorcycle has been turned into a mini convertible . It is armored on all four sides , bullet proof glass shielding my face as the wind sweeps over me . The puncture - proof tires grip the road , allowing me to turn on a dime . I 'm ready to deliver . The route is relatively quiet , which makes me suspicious . I find out why when I get to the house . Spike strips are set at 1 - yard intervals down the entire block . People are going hand - to - hand , facing off in an uncontrolled melee . The house I want is half way up the block . It 's time to get in on the action . I strap the kevlar box containing the hot pie to my back . I need to get this delivery there within thirty minutes or my fee is cut by half . I check my watch . Only fifteen minutes until time is up . I eye the street . I can make it in ten . I leave my bike on sleep mode . It will only respond to my fingerprint and retinal scan . If someone wants the bike , they 'll have to kill me first and drag my cooling body to the bike - which is always a possibility on Purge night . The spikes make it impossible to run through the mob , but that doesn 't bother me . I 'm wearing fitted armor plating and my bullet proof bike helmet . It 's going to be hard to cut me down . On a lawn two houses into the block , I find myself faced with my first opponent . He 's a huge man carrying a 9MM pump - action shotgun . I see the gleam in his eye as he begins to raise the weapon , so I step in close before he can get the gun up fully and push him into the hand - to - hand fight going on behind him . Distracted , he disappears in the struggle . I am not able to dodge my next opponent so handily . She bursts out from the bushes lining the house next door to my target , bearing a cleaver and an ax . She looks like she 's practiced all year for this . I throw up my hands and tell her " I 'm just here to deliver the pizza . " That confuses her for a moment . Her split second hesitation is all I need to bring my blowgun up . I dart her in the neck and she passes out . The toxin lining my darts isn 't poisonous . It just puts my opponent to sleep . I drag her back under the bushes , where she will likely be safe from random violence and gingerly pluck out the dart with my gloved fingers . At the target house , I follow the instructions given to me by my boss . I find the armored slot and type 5193 into the keypad . The slot opens and I pull out the pie . " Pizza delivery ! " I call as I slide the box through . I re - sling my pizza box and type in my code to tell my boss the delivery is completed five minutes early . My phone buzzes and I see the money transfer for only 30 minutes of work . The client apparently left a hefty tip . Some people will do anything for a large meat lover 's . I , like everyone else in America , got pretty into the election all throughout 2016 . Recent info on fake news sites , foreign influencers , and more has gotten me thinking about how this year 's election was different from the 2012 and 2008 elections . I have only voted in four elections , so I don 't have as much experience as others may have . But I do have a checklist I go through each election - one which I have had to modify for the 2016 election . I thought I 'd write it down and see where that takes me . 4 . Make a list of three issues that you care about deeply ( mine : human rights , war , global warming ) . Does the candidate share your stance ? Can you live with his / her differences of opinion ? She walked into her brightly lit office , a mug of coffee in hand . Sitting in her ergonomic chair , she sighed . It was going to be a long week of looking through candidate resumes , trying to find the perfect person for president . " I can 't stand these copycats . I want someone unique , someone who seems to do what they say , but who isn 't obviously funded by huge conglomerates . Someone who doesn 't seem to sacrifice his or her principles . " Out of the thousands of emails sent , she picked one hundred potentials to pass on . Once vetted through her , these potential candidates would have their social media presence scrutinized , their backgrounds checked , and their secrets uncovered . It was going to be a long year . " These candidates are ridiculous ! " he yelled . " One has the social media presence of a 9 - year - old while the other appears to be just learning what the internet is . One has no history of campaigning , so we have no idea if promises will be kept or not . What am I supposed to do with this mess ? " Leaving her office for the day , she carefully removed her company id and replaced it with the company name on the building where she worked . The huge conglomerate fell under many names , holding many shell companies so as to avoid monopoly lawsuits . She was looking forward to a hot bath and a glass of wine when her boss stopped her in the hallway . 4 . Make a list of three issues that you care about deeply ( mine : human rights , war , global warming ) . Does the candidate share your stance ? Can you live with his / her differences of opinion ? The final conference was always nerve wracking . She had bet $ 30 on the two candidates she thought most likely to get through the finals , but when entering the conference room , she wavered . Maybe it was going to be the long - term politicians or perhaps the youngest in the group . After all , the Committee liked to work with those who they had not yet sucked dry . " We have decided that , for the good of the company , we will go with the candidate that will free up our ability to mine the last of the natural resources . Our pet scientists tell us that , as long as other countries continue to reduce emissions , we can afford to splurge a little and plumb the depths of our shale oil fields . We will have to work fast . We don 't think putting business interests in front of human interests so obviously will work for very long . " One of her candidates won the election . She earned $ 50 from the office pool and clinked champagne glasses with her officemates . The celebration was shortlived , however . She had work to do , combing the files for all of the other candidates in other key positions - and of course she couldn 't start early enough on the next set of finals . Quiet feet pad across the crystalline white . My dog 's furry body is just right for this kind of weather . I am bundled up with a long sleeve shirt , sweater , scarf , hat , big jacket , and gloves - and I 'm still cold . I wish I was wearing long johns . The world has remade itself for my dog . His tail wags as he snuffles through the gleaming flakes , finding the smells dampened and buried . I forgot my phone , so I 'm just listening to the world around me . The wind whistles across the creek , whipping flakes from the trees . Soon , this snow will turn to icy rain . That 's about it ! I 'm excited because not only is it a snowy day , but it 's my bday ! I hope everyone else is having a fabulous afternoon . " THE ROADS ARE ICY ! " the old man screamed . He swayed back and forth in his rocking chair , staring out the condensation - covered window into a world of snow and ice . He could picture children sledding down the small hill outside of the hospital , slipping and sliding through the snow . He could almost see the car skid across the road and into the hill - narrowly missing a sledder . " Let me help you to your bed , " said Marie , sighing . In spite of herself , her eyes slid to the window . Nothing was going on outside , as usual . Just the huge hospital parking lot stretching out to the road , where traffic flowed smoothly in the warm sunlight . She 'd checked the weather before she left for work that morning and she remembered that at 11 am - now - the highs were 89 degrees . Mr . Aldridge grabbed both handles of his walker . He could smell the snow now , that fresh , frozen scent . His eyebrows furrowed . " Someone should tell those kids to be careful , or they 'll sled right into traffic . " Mr . Aldridge woke to a darkened room . He looked at his watch . It was only 1 PM , but the snow piling along his windowsill was blocking out most of the sunlight . He struggled for a moment , thrashing around in his sheets until he became untangled . " Those youngsters out there better be careful , " he thought . Indoors was toasty and warm , but he could feel the cold air coating the window and trickling over to his bed . He pressed the buzzer for Marie . The nurse straightened her spine . There was no way she was seeing what she thought she was seeing . It was September in Los Angles , hardly a chilly season even during an El Nino . This year had been exceptionally hot , not just in L . A . , but in the entire world . There was no way on god 's green earth that snow was piling up on that window . She stepped back into the room and forced her legs to keep moving . As Marie got closer to the window , she felt the cold pouring off of the glass and smelled a crisp , frozen scent . She touched the freezing window , rubbing the condensation off the glass and peering through . Across the parking lot and the road was a small hill covered in children and their sleds . She saw a little boy sledding down the hill toward the busy road . A car wavered and skidded out of control , heading for the hill . She put her hands on the glass and screamed a warning to the man on a collision course , " THE ROADS ARE ICY ! " The day everything changed seemed like any other . It was mid - January , chilly as only a Los Angeles winter can be . At exactly 5 PM , Alice locked the doors to her office and headed to her car . The sun was rapidly sinking , cloaking Bruno Realty 's parking lot in shadow . Alice 's Prius was the only car in the lot , parked close to her building . She always felt creeped out on nights like this , when she was the last person in the complex . Another real estate agent had told her that one night when she was working late , two large men tried to get into the building through the back door . Since then , Alice made sure her keychain pepper spray was in her hand before she headed out . " Jesus ! " she shouted . She eased around the man , who didn 't appear to see her . He was staring straight down the sidewalk . Alice turned on her indicator light and peered in the direction the man was staring . Nothing . She thought about rolling down her window and asking if he was okay , but she didn 't . Who knows who this guy was ; if he was harmless or if he was a murderous psychopath . She turned out of her lot . The traffic on Foothill Blvd was usually bumper to bumper , but that night it was light and easy flowing . The change made Alice 's hands relax on the wheel , and the tension drain out of her neck and shoulders . Sitting at a light , she glanced over to the cars parked on the side of the road . Drivers sat , still as mannequins , in the two she could see next to her . She craned her head back , trying to peer into the windows of the other parked cars lining the street , but she could only see shadows . Alice made it onto the freeway onramp , sighing with relief as she navigated down the steep decline onto the 210 freeway . She almost slammed on the brakes when she saw him . A man , standing on the grassy embankment at the end of the merge lane . He seemed to be wobbling between the safety of the turf and the oncoming traffic . Alice whizzed by him , her eyes facing forward . She hit her Bluetooth call button when she heard the slam and screech behind her . " I 'm on the 210 East , and it 's insane ! I think I 've seen about fifteen accidents in the last , I don 't know , minute and a half . We need CHP , we need I don 't know , the military or something . " " What are you talking about ? " Alice tasted bile in the back of her throat . She didn 't have time to throw up , she 'd be killed by the chaos going on around her . The woman didn 't answer . She just laughed until her voice ran raw . Alice didn 't have a free hand the end the call , so all she could do was listen as the woman croaked out laughs . She was helpless to do anything when the laughter died , and the banging started , hollow thumps that sounded like a head smashing into something . A wet , gurgling laugh accompanied each thud . Alice wanted to scream . She wanted to cry . Instead , she kept her white - knuckled grip on the steering wheel and rammed her car through the maze of vehicles crisscrossing the freeway . Alice wasn 't sure how she made it home , but she did . There were so many accidents blocking the freeway exit that she 'd had to drive on the embankment . Something had lodged in the Prius 's undercarriage , creating a constant grinding noise . But at least she had been able to turn off her phone before navigating down the dark side streets to her little duplex . Instead , Alice unlocked her driver 's side door and bolted out of the car . Fumbling with her keys , she made it to the fence without incident . Her hands shook as she tried to stick her key into the lock at the gate . Instead of getting the right key into the lock , she scratched the key across the gate , almost dropping it . She clutched her right wrist with her left hand and rammed the key into the hole , twisting it and opening the door in the same motion . She slammed the gate behind her . Hearing the automatic lock click home , she slumped down against the fence into the cold , damp grass . Alice turned to see a face peering through the chain link . The woman on the other side was short , her head pressing into the fence , wide eyes staring down at Alice . Her hands came up and clawed at the gate , her fingers pushing through and yanking at the metal . One hand loosened its hold on the fencing and Alice scooted away from the woman , her throat locking around a scream . The woman threw something . It hit the grass next to Alice , who shrunk away from it . " Don 't worry , it won 't hurt you . It 'll make you feel goooooood . " The woman 's voice slurred , her smile growing impossibly wide . Alice ran to her front door . She found her keys and scrabbled at the lock . The woman behind her called " Leth me unn , " and began bashing the gate . Alice got her key in the lock , turned it and bolted inside , securing the door behind her . She put on the chain lock just in case , then went to each window in her darkened home , checking to make sure they were all latched securely . She did not turn on the lights . Once the banging at her fence died down , Alice took a chance . She had no rooms in her house that didn 't face an exterior wall , nothing that didn 't have a window where light could leak out . So , she turned on the oven light in the kitchen . There was one window in the kitchen , and it looked out on a wall of tightly packed cypress trees . Behind the trees was another fence , and beyond that was the recess area of the school next door . She was fairly sure no one would be back there since the school entrance was on a different block entirely . Alice sat on the floor in front of the oven , facing away from the window . That way , if anyone did get past the fence and trees , they wouldn 't see her . She looked at the bottle the woman had given her . According to the label , it was a bottle of Citavenlafaxine and you were supposed to take it once daily . " The U . S . Food and Drug Administration today approved new two - in - one antidepressant / anti - anxiety medication Citavenlafaxine . Almost 7 % of the US population suffers depression while 18 % suffers from anxiety disorders , with nearly 50 % of those suffering from depression also diagnosed with an anxiety disorder . New Citavenlafaxine has been proven to help those suffering from depression , anxiety , and those suffering from both depression and anxiety . The article went on , but Alice got the idea . Why would that crazy lady throw the bottle at her ? And if this drug was causing all the chaos , how did it have " minimal " side effects ? Alice 's head was spinning . She opened her browser again and started searching . She looked up traffic accidents with no real results , she scoured the LA news , there was no mention of what she 'd driven through to get home . For a moment , she wondered if she was insane . She wondered if she 'd hallucinated everything . But there was the bottle in her hand , as real as could be . That 's the end of the scene I have in my head . I would be happy to hear your thoughts about the story and where it could go from here . I am working on a novel at the moment , so little dribs and drabs like this is what I am going to give you until I 'm done with final edits ( I know I 've said I 'm done with edits before , but my writer 's group gave me more to work on ) . Hemmingway once wrote the " shortest novel ever . " It goes " For sale : baby shoes , never worn . " This is the most extreme piece of flash fiction I 've ever seen , but I love the brevity of this type of story , so I wanted to challenge myself today and write an ultra short story - in 100 words . Dawn Predawn light is the only illumination in the shivery chamber . The King , his astrologer , and twenty of his closest advisors listen as the screams of the Queen echo through the castle , waiting for the first wails of an heir . The newborn howls just as the sun flashes into the room , dancing off each vein in the marble . The astrologer exults , waltzing with the effervescent sun . This child will usher in the age of plenty and , though the old man knows he will not see this dream unfold , he is ebullient . His spirit capers with the sun one last time before a cloud snuffs the light . Steam plumes into the frosty air as I blow across my coffee . The morning is crisp , finally feeling like fall , even though it 's now the cusp of winter . Only a few soggy leaves clutch the gray - barked trees lining the creek . The world smells crisp and damp . An undercurrent of loamy soil , rain , and duck dung seep into my nose . Only a couple of yards away , ducks stand by the creek , some quacking and foraging , others content to stand perfectly still , like duck statues . The stillness won 't last long . Once they see me , they will babble themselves into an uproar before heading my direction , hoping for a handout . But for now , the ducks are happy to sit or scrounge in the rain - heavy grass . Shaw MarketingSharing Your Business with the WorldSharon RawletteMemoirist . Essayist . Philosopher . Interesting LiteratureA Library of Literary InterestingnessRay Ferrer - Emotion on Canvas * * OFFICIAL Site of Artist Ray Ferrer * * My BlogWarning - May Emit High Levels of RandomManifest Photo BlogPhotography And Evidence - Based Art Information By Peter C . BlanchardNERDSTEAKFood and Culture ShenanigansThe Bully Pulpit ( n ) : An office or position that provides its occupant with an outstanding opportunity to speak out on any issue . Kev 's Great Indie AuthorsSupporting Indie Authors WorldwideThe Bewildered 20 - Something WriterThe ramblings of a 20 - something writer fresh out of graduate school as she ventures out of the classroom and into the real world .
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Gladiator peeked out from his cubicle and spotted the dead Elite . The Jackals spotted him and fired , forcing him to duck back into his cubicle . He heard the spit fire of an automatic weapon followed shortly by the barks and squeaks of Grunts running in panic . Gladiator rolled out of the cublicle firing his Battle Rifle , the Jackals were smart though and hadn 't let down their guard their shield arms at the ready and deflecting his gun fire , the rounds themselves either dropping to the ground or burying themselves in the surrounding area . Suddenly the sound of a . 50 caliber round came to his ears . Gladiator looked up to see the Jackals heads explode and the bodies drop over at the same time . He looked back behind him , the area was clear for the moment " Hunter , we all clear ? " Just then the whole floor shook and a hot white blue plasma ball detonated against the side of the building , sending glass and shrapnel flying everywhere . Something flew by his head by mere millimeters and smashed somewhere in the distance . He faintly realized that it had been a window . Suddenly Elites with Jetpacks burst through the whole in the wall , pointed and fired . Gladiator was still lying prone on the ground , right in the middle of the hallway . The Elites looked once , prodded him with their feet and then stepped over him . Suddenly the ODST rushed the closest Elite , roaring at it and smacking it across the helmet to temporarily stun it , before putting the shotgun to it 's chest and pulling the trigger . The Elite stumbled backwards and fell to the floor . Temporarily the stunned in surprise , the others looked at their dead comrade and back to the ODST sergeant . The ODST flipped them off , pulled a plasma grenade from his belt and tossed it into the group of Elites , who had just raised their weapons , and dived for cover . The grenade latched onto one of the Elites and detonated , shredding it to peices , killing two more , and draining the shields on the others . Gladiator felt the fiery explosion on his back and gritted his teeth through the pain . Logged Hunter looked around from his cover just in time to see the shower of glass and then a blaze of action as the ODST that had been with the group took out almost the entire group of elites that had just blasted their way into the area . Hunter himself didn 't even get the chance to squeeze off a round . He opened his comlink to Gladiator " I think that when we pull through this , that ODST should get a promotion , what do you say ? Anyone mad enough to charge a group like that and survive is insane enough to be one of us " He then shut down his com and looked out and around to check to see if there were anymore threats in the vicinity , seeing none , he opened his com " All clear , let 's get moving before we get pinned " With that he stood up and shook glass and debris off of his suit , checked his weapon and then proceeded towards Gladiator . Logged Gladiator looked up and back , seeing Hunter come up to his position . Gladiator pointed to the edge of the farthest cubicle , held up one finger and gave the go signal before moving out of his cover . He moved to the edge , heard the remaining Elites breathing and looked back to Hunter . He activated his com " I agree , he 'd make a good Spartan . There 's one left , you want him ? " A moment later Sling moved into a position where he could cover the two of them and nodded , he was ready . Gladiator crouched down , the street was only two floors down now , he nodded as Hunter reported the sizable force blocking their path " Copy that Lance ? " A second later " Rodger that . I 'm in the stairwell behind them one floor above , on the building across from you , a big whole has been torn in the wall , probably from that Wraith Tank barrage a couple minutes ago . I couldn 't ask for a more perfect spot . Awaiting instructions . " " Copy that " Gladiator gestured to Sling , silently instructing him with hand signals to flank the enemy from the left side . Then he turned to Hunter , and gestured for him to take the opposite side and gestured to himself , and drove his hand forward , he was going to come in from the front " Lance , provide sniper support fire , we 're gonna surround and take the enemy . On my mark . " Gladiator waited for Sling and Hunter to get into positions and wink their LED signals green , the standard " ready " signal . Once that was done Gladiator moved forward and peeked around the corner " mark . " Suddenly Gladiator sprang up , firing his Battle Rifle at the grunts and Jackals , as three sniper shots rang out and three Elites went down . Gladiator got three Grunts and one Jackal as he rushed up the middle of the room , cubicles on either side of him passing by . He got within throwing distance and primed a plasma grenade " Hunter , Sling throw grenades . . . now ! " he shouted over the comms as he let his grenade fly and ducked into a cubicle for cover . Grenades rained down on the group of Covenant and exploded with thunderous results , sending alien bodies flying into the air . The grunts closest to the blast were shredded instantly , and that was before their methane filled tanks exploded adding to the fiery inferno . Gladiator paused for a second letting the blaze die down a little before moving forward with Sling and finishing off the survivors with pinpoint shots to their heads , Hunter meanwhile providing them cover fire so the enemy didn 't recover from the sudden and devastating attack . In seconds everything alien that twitched was dead and they resumed their trek to the final floor . Gladiator looked up as a LED signal blinked once in red , he ducked and ran over to the nearest wall , flattening against it . His HUD 's radar then picked up one red dot , an enemy making his way to their position . Suddenly a sniper bolt rang out and there was a heavy thump followed almost simultaneously with a gargling noise , the red dot disappeared , it 's life terminated . Gladiator peeked out and saw the remains of a Brute in gold armor , a . 50 caliber bullet hole placed cleanly in it 's forehead . Gladiator clicked on his com " nice job Lance , come to our position as quickly as you can . Over . " A few moments later , a Spartan in purple armor peeked out of the entrance to the building across the street and made his way over " Hey guys , miss me ? " Gladiator gave him the Spartan 's smile gesture and gestured for him to join them " Alright , what 's the situation Lance ? What 's out there waiting for us ? " Lance played at wiping his brow and placed his hands on his knees as he crouched down beside Hunter and Sling " Oh . . they got every damn thing out there waiting for us . Wraith tanks , a half dozen Elites , a ton of Grunts and Jackals , probably about twenty Brutes or so , and Banshee fighters . The Wraith tanks are closest to us , along with the Elites and their Grunts and Jackals . There 's about two Brutes per Elite , which make twelve Brutes , and the Banshee 's are on a continual patrol that seems to be in a rLogged " How much cover is there out there ? " Hunter looked over at Lance , who shook his head simply . So none at all then , not the best of news but they could handle it . " Ok then , the plan proceeds , never stop , hit hard and fast , end this and get those jammers down , if we have to take all of the tanks out then fine , but I think that we could take out the patrols and the guards , leaving at least one tank alive , it would make our job a whole lot easier if we had a vehicle to take those jammer positions out " Hunter checked his rifle and then checked the ammo within the bag he still had with him , it had plenty of supplies in it , he figured that since there was so much space between the team and the guards , long range weapons would be a safer bet so he swapped his pistol for a DMR rifle and then decided that if he should be fortunate enough to get close to the enemy , he placed an energy sword on his belt along with a couple more grenades to replace the ones he had just used up . " There aren 't any jackal snipers near by are there ? It would be a disaster if we got taken out by an alien we can 't see " Unstoppable " My plan exactly Hunter " Gladiator said patting his friend on the shoudler , giving him a bit of friendly reinforcement . The situation would have been nearly impossible for anyone else but , they were Spartans , they did the " impossible " everyday " don 't worry , I 've got your back . " " There aren 't any jackal snipers near by are there ? It would be a disaster if we got taken out by an alien we can 't see " Hunter said a moment later . Gladiator grinned thinking his friend was teasing their snipers . " Don 't you worry about them Hunter . Me and Siren will take care of them , don 't you worry " Lance said pointing to himself and then gesturing over his shoulder to the female sniper 's position . " You idiot , thanks for pointing out my position , now I 've got to move " Siren 's retort came over the comms a second later . Gladiator chuckled , this was gonna be fun . " This won 't be so bad , I remember a time when it was just me against a hoard of Covenant and two Wraith tanks on Reach before it was glassed . We 've got a team of Spartans and a crazy ODST on our side this time . The Covenant won 't know what hit them " the blue and gold Spartan said with confidence . Gladiator switched out his sniper rifle for a shotgun , and got some extra clips , stuffing them into his belt , then got a couple more plasma grenades before giving the ready signal . He saw Lance and the ODST jog over to the opposite building , setting up a cross fire between them and Siren , who had moved to a completely different building . Gladiator could hear the sound of the Covenant infantry nearby , the grunting , squawking and howling of the aliens . He took cover behind the corner of the building they were next to . A second later , the 1st Wraith tank lumbered into view , followed by several Elites , Brutes and the smaller aliens . " Alright everyone , here they come . Get ready . " Gladiator said over the comm . What he wouldn 't give for a single claymore right now he thought . Suddenly a rumbling came from behind them and Gladiator turned to see the 2nd Wraith tank coming in from behind t « Last Edit : February 22 , 2012 , 05 : 12 : 46 PM by Gladiator0161 » Hunter headed off towards the second Wraith , not pausing to see where its shot had landed or whether his team was in danger , he was focused entirely on the group ahead . He kicked in the built in sprint of his suit , making him run quicker than before , closing the gap between him and the covenant forces . He pulled the energy sword off of his belt and jumped straight into the fray , spearing a brute on his weapon before pushing off and slashing the throats of a couple more aliens . He left the sword impaling a grunt to the wall nearest to him as he pulled his rifle around and into his hands as he ran up the wraith , taking out the gunner with a well placed shot to the head . He opened the pilot hatch and planted some more shots into the pilot of the wraith before bringing the corpse out of the vehicle and throwing it to one side . " Tank two down , I 'm going in " Hunter then jumped into the wraith and closed the hatch , taking the controls and smiling inside of his helmet as he powered forward , moving the massive tank in search of target number three . " Someone wanna get in the gunner position and help me out here ? " With that he spotted an unattended group of covenant and decided to let off some steam by plasting them with a white hot shot of plasma from the main weapon of the tank . Opening his comms , Hunter felt great as he said " Damn I gotta get me one of these . . . . . oh wait , I just did " He then pushed onwards towards Gladiator . " Hey Glad , wanna ride shotgun or are you ok ? " " Damn I gotta get me one of these . . . . . oh wait , I just did ! Hey Glad , wanna ride shotgun or are you ok ? " Gladiator heard Hunter say over the comms as he successfully took over an enemy tank " Oh . . yeah . . I 'm great ! " Gladiator said back over the comms as he played tug of war with a Brute , who was snarling and salivating all over his visor . The Brute held a Bruteshot , blade side first , trying to cut the Spartan 's head off but , Gladiator had grabbed the butt of the rifle and barrel and forced it against the Brute 's massive chest , effectively pinning the weapon so that he couldn 't move . The only problem now was that he couldn 't move either without sacrificing the pin . Suddenly the Brute leaned forward and roared with all it 's might into his face , spittle flying onto his visor and blurring his vison . His voice straining with the effort of keeping the Brute pinned to the wall as he finished his sentence " I 'm . . . gahrrr . . . just tangoing with a Brute . " Finally the Brute broke free , shoving him backwards . Gladiator tried to stay upright but failed and toppled over backwards . The Brute was on him in no time , raising the blade end of the weapon to deliver the coup de grace . Gladiator rolled to the side and kicked out as the weapon impacted the ground behind him . He drew out his combat knife and plunged it into the beasts throat as he , he assumed it was a he anyway , dropped to one knee . He tore the knife through the thing 's coratid artery and twisted it free . The Brute stumbled backwards clutching at it 's throat and gurgling as blood continued to pour out of the gaping hole . Finally it collapsed and died . Gladiator had no time to celebrate escaping death however , as there were still plenty of Covenant on the streets . He heard the tell tale whine of a Banshee making a dive bombing run , and got up just in time to be blasted backwards through a window and into the building behind him as a Banshee 's plasma missile exploded not five feet away . He heard sniper round after sniper round being fired from Lance and Siren 's positions . He heard « Last Edit : February 22 , 2012 , 05 : 17 : 59 PM by Gladiator0161 » Hunter was satisfied as he ran over an elite , feelings its body hit the metallic shell of his new toy . He looked through at the screen that showed the area around him and noted that Gladiator was there now , looking a little worse for wear . " Here you go buddy , one tank ready to go , do you want to drive ? I know you were always the better pilot of vehicles and I could do with the target practice to be honest " Hunter opened the hatch and held out a hand to his friend and helped him up to the tank , sniper fire was pinging away happily in the distance as the sniper team were doing their job to keep the opposition busy . Once Gladiator was on the tank Hunter climbed into the gunner position and activated the plasma gun in front of him , grabbing the controls and shooting a few rounds for practice . " All set when you are " All of a sudden there was a shot in the distance , it shook a building which then collapsed in on itself , the flying rubble white hot with plasma heat . The sniper sounds no longer sounded in the air . " Shit , that was Lance and Siren . . . . " Hunter opened his comms to the team , hoping they were ok . " . . . . . Lance , Siren , come in , do you copy ? Tell us your position " Static met him in reply . Hunters mood turned murderous . " I 'm gonna kill every last damn covenant we come across , screw the tank , I 'm taking them down right now " With that he jumped out of the tank , leaving Gladiator behind on the vehicle , his rifle in one hand and an energy sword in another , ready to take down anything and everything that came his way . He didn 't care about being a Spartan right now , only muder was on his mind . The flow of combat moved over Patric as air through the sails of an old pre - space yacht - cybernetic arm moving with the precision and speed that only a Spartan with machinery built in could attain , even the other Spartans couldn 't quite match the sword play , if only because of the boost given him by the replacement of damaged limbs . The other arm , flesh and blood , armored and well conditioned to battle grasped an Assault rifle easily , his finger squeezing off small , short bursts into flesh bodies , grunts squealing in pain , Jackals flopping down , Elites , though brave and fierce , backed off , keeping their distance from Patric 's sword arm , squeezing busts of plasma at the walking tank from their rifles . Brutes , less cautious , stormed in , howling in pain and frustration when flesh met the swift moving blade . Their chieftain leading the flanking manuveur had been among the first to die , a lucky shot from Patric 's rifle slamming through his right eye socket to bounce around in that thick skull . Reaching the end of the alley , arm slowing , Patric let up on his rifle for a moment to scan the area . The Elites were either dead or backed far enough off to pose no threat for the current moment , the Brute 's suicidal charge left none to fall back with . Checking the ammo count Patric grimly smiled inside his helmet , the count was at three . Ejecting the magazine and placing the sword at his hip , Patric reloaded quickly , slapping the fresh mag home . Stepping out of the alleyway , his rifle at the ready , his sword activating Patric ran down the street he had stepped onto , parallel to the one Hunter and Gladiator were on . The comms were painting a pretty picture in his mind , the snipers position was lost , the two either dead or MIA , the other Spartans now in possession of a Wraith , Hunter apparently obvious at the lost of a couple comrades . Ahead of him more covenant were milling about , a wraith exactly where the nav points indicated . Rushing forward Patric fell back into the rhythm of battle , squeezing quick short bursts from the riLogged Gladiator wanted to yell and scream and give in to his rage at the death of his fellow Spartans but , the leader , the boy scout in him told him to get the rest of them out of there . That they would be overwhelmed soon . His instincts were right , just as he was about to get out of the tank he spotted two Banshee Covenant fighters come around a building and dive . They had obviously spotted Hunter running at their companions in a wild rage , sword in one hand , rifle in the other " Hunter ! ! Banshees ! ! ! Take Cover ! ! " Gladiator cried as he ducked back down inside the tank and trained it 's heavy cannon on the flyers . Suddenly his com came to life " This is Spartan 3 - 3 - 4 , I 've cleared nav point Charlie of all hostiles . I say again , Charlie location secure . " Patric ! He 'd lost track of him after their initial encounter . " Patric ! This is Sierra 0 - 1 - 6 - 1 . Good to hear your voice again . Thanks for the assist , we could use some help over on our side , we got Banshees coming in for a strafing run and we just lost our two snipers and their lookouts . Plus , we still got alot of Covenant over here " Gladiator said " Good news is , we 've got a Wraith Tank of our own . " He sent his position to Patric in the form of a NAV marker and then blasted two blasts at the incoming Banshees . Hunter heard Gladiator just in time to roll out of the way of Banshee strafing fire . He ducked into a nearby building , getting up in time to slash the throat of a jackal that was about to place a round into him . His rage continued to push him forward , he ran through the ground floor of the building , hacking and shooting any covenant that came his way , he kept his comms open so that he could listen in to Gladiator and Patric but he never spoke back . He wanted a rocket launcher so that he could take out those banshees , the only one he knew of was the one that was back at the rally point . He legged it out of the building and into another , shooting at covenant as he did to make sure they didn 't get the chance to fire on him , once he was inside the building , he stopped to catch his breath . He heard a grunt behind him and a charging of a weapon and he looked around in time to see a Hunter looking down on him , its weapon charging up . He ducked and rolled as green plasma rained down onto the spot where he had been a second ago , the heat intense and stinging . He spoke briefly . " Gladiator , Patric , Hunters in the area , repeat , Hunters in the area " He then kicked off of the ground and flew over the head of the Hunter before it fired again and slashed at the soft spot on the hulking creatures back , opening up fresh wounds , green blood flowing everywhere , however this just seemed to piss the Hunter off even more than his presence . It turned on him and he was forced to duck as it swung at him with its mighty fist . Hunter backed up , not remembering that he was supposed to stick close to a Hunter to stop it from firing with its weapon . It charged up a shot quicker than Hunter expected and it aimed at the ceiling above him and fired . Rubble and large chunks of concrete fell on the Spartan , covering him and burying him . The Hunter then leaving the buried Spartan believing him to be dead . Hunter though was merely unconscious , his comms damaged . " Gladiator , Patric , Hunters in the area , repeat , Hunters in the area ! " The blue and gold Spartan heard the cry over the comms , panick settling in his stomach at the thought of another comrade being taken down . Gladiator clicked his comm on " Hunter ! This is Gladiator ! I 'm on my way ! " he waited for a response but got only static " Hunter ! Respond ! " Gladiator cursed beneath his breath and gunned the accelerator of the tank , forcing it 's powerful thrusters to fire and for the anti - vehicle to rocket forward . Gladiator lept from the tank , rolling as he hit the ground and continuing forward , he braced himself as he came closer to doors . Tucking in his shoulders the doors exploded with the impact of the Spartan and were thrown to either side . Already Gladiator had a plasma grenade in one hand and a shotgun in the other . Gladiator spotted the Hunters immediately , they were hard to miss . He tossed the grenade and ran forward , the grenade landed on the first Hunter , which squatted down and turned slightly , as if hoping to diminish the effect of the grenade 's blast by turning from his partner . It had the opposite effect , instead of only blowing off the firsts back armor , it blew the back armor off of both aliens , which groaned and growled in pain . Gladiator didn 't stop , instead he increased his speed and fell to the ground just as one Hunter reared back with it 's shield arm , preparing to strike . Just as Gladiator hit the ground and started to slide , that very same shield arm whizzed over his head inches from his visor . He stopped at the first Hunter 's back and fired his shotgun from his prone position , taking it down . Then he rolled to avoid being split in half by the second Hunter 's shield arm . Hunter regained consciousness but only darkness greeted him in response , he had a splitting headache and his helmet 's internal systems were telling him that several parts of his armor and body were broken , including one of his legs . He tried to move but he was pinned down , confusion gripped him for a moment and then he remembered the Hunter and that he was now encased in rubble from the ceiling . Pushing up with all his might , he shifted some of the rubble , enough to get a hand out , but he collapsed in pain as his ribs gave in and he heard two of them snap from the exertion of trying to lift the debris off of him . He tried his comms but they didn 't respond , they had been damaged when the rubble hit . " Well it looks like I 'm stuck in here in the mean time , I really hope someone comes along and helps " He could hear gunfire and explosions nearby , but he wasn 't sure how close it actually was , the headache was getting worse and several times he felt himself come close to blacking out but he pushed through the pain , he was a Spartan and Spartans didn 't let pain get them down . Logged Gladiator felt the floor shake beneath him as the Hunter 's shield arm hit the spot on the floor where he had been only seconds ago . Floor tiling went flying every which way with the impact of the Hunter 's blow , the ceramic missiles would have been more dangerous if he hadn 't had his armor on but , thankfully that wasn 't the case . Gladiator got up and stumbled backwards as the Hunter lifted his arm just high enough to swing again , using the shield as a battering ram . Gladiator backed up against the wall and ducked , feeling the wind as the shield skimmed inches above his head and cratering in the wall . Gladiator 's blood pressure spiked rapidly at the realization of just how close he 'd come to death just then . He pulled his shotgun up and fired into the alien 's gut , the impact from the shells knocking the massive walking tank back a foot , which was plenty of room . Gladiator shot again , this time aiming for the Hunter 's head , which was a very small target that a spread shot weapon like a shotgun ineffective . He fired anyway , the rounds bouncing off the helmet making the the alien ball up and cover it 's front as much as possible but , not it 's back . Gladiator stepped forward before jumping back and pushing off the wall behind him with his feet and launching himself over the heavily armored alien . He landed heavily but turned and fired his shotgun point blank into the Hunter 's back where it 's nerve cluster was , killing it instantly . Gladiator was breathing heavily now , heavier than he thought he was . He shook his head to clear it and then looked at the pile of debris and saw Hunter 's hand . His heart lept into his throat . He approached the pile of debris , expecting the worst . He put his exterior speakers on " Hunter ? Are you there buddy ? Are you ok ? " gently he began removing debris and tossing it onto the bodies of the two aliens he 'd just killed , all the while thinking please don 't be dead , this mission is screwed up enough . I don 't want to lose anyone else . . . bury anyone else . Gladiator grimaced behind his helmet , his friend had taken a real beating " Don 't you worry about that . We 'll get you set up with some Biofoam and a splint and you 'll be good as new " he said reaching into the compartment on his back and pulling out the canister of biofoam he always kept there in case of emergencies . " This is going to hurt but , we can 't have your ribs moving too much while we get you to safety , and you 're going to be safest with us . On the move " Gladiator said jabbing the straw - like tip of the canister into his chest and pressing the release stud . It sounded , and probably felt , like a bunch of cheese whiz being released into his armor , the healing foam pressed against the injury and slowly lifted the broken ribs , making it easier to breath and less painful when moving . It wasn 't a cure all but , they had no way to dress him properly right now . Gladiator heard the thing click empty and tossed the canister behind him , then began looking around for something to use as a splint . Gladiator switched to his inner comm as he spotted some loose wiring and some splintered 2x4 's " Patric , this is Gladiator , the Hunters are taken care of but , our Hunter has sustained injuries including a broken leg and some ribs , we 're going to need a few minutes while I make him move worthy . Can you provide a distraction for us ? " Gladiator went over to the loose wiring and ripped it free of it 's housing and set it down by Hunter after gathering the biggest pieces of the planks . He dropped the wiring to the side of the pile Hunter was in before cutting what he needed out of the timber with his Plasma Sword . After that was done , he got back up and began uncovering Hunter 's body , taking care not to jostle him too much , especially when he neared his legs . " Alright , it 's not as good as a medic but , it should hold you over until we get to the hospital , after we take of those jammers ofcourse . Now , this is really gonna hurt . You ready ? We 'll lift on 3 " Gladiator splayed his legs so that he had good footing and crouched down to Hunter , hLogged Hunters ribs felt a lot better than they did a minute ago but it still hurt like hell when he was lifted out of the debris but he gritted his teeth and bore the pain , then he was propped against the wall while Gladiator sorted his leg out . " Looks good to me buddy " He was surprised by the amount of time they had been on the ground . It didn 't seem possible with all the action they had been through . " That doesn 't seem possible , we have been rushed off our feet since we came round , but then again we have been busy . I can 't wait to get out of here " He looked around . " Have you still got that tank we nicked ? I could ride in that for now , provide some support , I aren 't going to be much of a mover but at least I can be a gunner " Gladiator sighed as a cool breeze swept through the wrecked room " Yeah , me too . Though to be honest , I wish I was returning to something other than the barricks and half naked men " he said with a laugh . As Hunter asked about the tank he nodded " Yeah , it 's just outside , that is if the Covenant haven 't reclaimed it yet . You ready to move already ? " Gladiator stood up and placed his helmet back on his head , already lamenting the lack of cool air on his face . Just then something disturbed the pile of rubble not five feet away from them " cloaked Elite ! " Gladiator said raising his shotgun and firing off two shots , one of which hit nothing but plaster , the other however hit the cloaked Elite and drained it 's shields , revealing the alien . Gladiator dropped the shotgun and raised his Battle Rifle " die you goddamned mother . . . " the sound of his Battle Rifle spitting out three slugs in rapid succession muted the last word but , it wasn 't hard to figure out . The Elite dropped onto the flooring , three bullet holes puncturing the middle of it 's skull . " Looks like we 'd better get moving " Gladiator said turning around and moving to Hunter . He placed one of Hunter 's arms on his shoulder , which was a trick with his bulky armor , and placed one of his own under his arm and gently lifted him up enough so that he wouldn 't have to put much pressure on his injured leg . As they came out the remains of the wrecked doorway their commandeered Wraith tank came into view . Gladiator looked at Hunter and his injuries and shook his head " This is gonna be fun " he said with a hint of sarcasm . UNSC Flagship Hercules ; GalleyLocation : Earth 's Lower Atmosphere " It 's been nearly three hours since we 've last heard from anyone . I think we should go and check it out . " Sergeant Jacobs stated his opinion to the Echo 's Company commander . The commander only looked at the younger man for a moment before sighing . " Negative Sergeant . Our orders are to stay put until we reach word from from the team . " " With all due respect , I don 't want these lives lost on my watch . If they 're in trouble I feel it more important to go than to wait for bad news later . " Jacobs said . The commander looked at him for a moment , but had nothing more to say . " They won 't be officially missing for another twenty - one hours . There 's nothing that can be done until then . " the short private had spoke having had walked in only a moment earlier . Both men turned to look to the woman just realizing that she was standing there . Acknowledging that it wasn 't her place as a private to just speak out of term , she quickly changed subject before the men had time to think of what had just happened . " Sir , the platoon has grown restless . What are your orders , sir ? " she asked more professionally . Sergeant Jacobs looked her over . She didn 't have her helmet on right now and he was slightly pleased to know that the name he had used upon her earlier was the correct one , though that only made his thoughts wander back to how she became a private . He said nothing back to her , instead he looked back to the Commander and said , " You 'll let me know when you 've heard from them ? " As Jacobs began to walk away , the commander responded , " As soon as I hear from them . " The Sergeant pushed past the small woman and went down the hall toward the armory wondering what he would find upon his arrival . The private looked to the commander in silence for a moment and then turned around and walked down the hall to follow her leader . She felt like a snitch , but if she had been a higher rank that would have been a different story . The woman stopped and leaned her back against the wall near the Amory 's mLogged . . . You provide a distraction for us ? " Raising from his seat on the broken Wraith Patric scanned the buildings surrounding him , then the streets , picking over the details . " Aye , " his reply was slightly slack , a phantom itch where his flesh elbow would be distracting him slightly as he picked his route , leaned forward and launched himself into a quick jog down the street to the next corner where he turned to the side , spotted the Wraith the other Spartans had taken , turned the other way and ran . A slight pause in the Covenant advance was all that gave them any sense of having any moment of safety when in reality they were in the calm before the storm . Jumping over a smoking , blackened car and landing in a roll Patric came up in a small group of Elites , as surprised to find him in their midst as he . Youth spent training and years of practice already tapped kicking in stronger . Jerking back as one of them swung a plasma rifle into the space where his head would be , his mechanical arm swinging up in a hasty swipe that amputated said arm , the second Elite growling and moving forward , his armored fist of flesh slamming into it 's chest . The third jumping back , blood of his brother in his face , the forth priming a grenade and charging forward [ . His eyes widened in surprised at the unfamiliar tactic , his right foot catching on something , his balance lost he began to fall , his fist opens , the arm moves , fingers clutch at an alien arm , a hard jerk , a short clipped howl of pain , a bellow of frustrated rage as the grenade touches the flesh of the second Elite . A grunt forced passed his lips as his back hits the ground , his legs tucking and balling then lashing out , sending the Elite on top of him up and back , the Grenade flashing blue . Visor going darkly opaque as the bright ball of light flashes and boils away flesh and alloy and burns through his shield . a chunk of body landing nearby , the forth Elite flown back , much of his flesh and armor boiled away . Standing shakily , Patric shook his head as the third Elite set himself lLogged
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Aku godek - godek hard disk aku tadi , bosan sangat petang ni . So , as usual , mesti terjumpa esei lama and rasa macam nak post kat sini . So here goes . " Shamil ! Mum wants to talk to you ! " Dad called me as I came emerged from my room . I quickly went over to him and took the cordless phone . " Hi Shamil , I 'm doing okay here . We 've just finished the meeting , my work here is done . I 'll be back in Malaysia next week , if God wills , " Mum replies . " We 'll be waiting for you Mum ! " I said , excited . Mum had been in Paris , France for the past few months for a conference meeting about some new medicine . And since I was away on a camp on the day she left , I have not met her for more than 4 months . " Study well , okay Shamil ? Listen to your teachers , and respect them . Never procrastinate with your works , finish them as early as you can , " Mum said . " Mum 's coming home next week ? ! YAY ! " my youngest sister , Arina , who was just 7 years old , exclaimed . " Yay , Mum 's coming home ! " " She 's busy with work , dear . She has a lot of paperwork to be done . She 'll be back soon , okay Ila ? " Dad said . Fazila nodded slowly . Exactly one week later , all of us went to the airport to pick Mum up . From the flight list we saw at the entrance , Mum 's flight from Paris should arrive at 8 : 00pm . Since it was just 6 : 40pm when we reached the airport , we decided to grab dinner and pray before waiting for her at the arrival gate . At 8 : 15pm , there was still no sign of Mum at the gate . Ila and Ina were getting anxious , and so was Dad . He called Mum 's phone numerous times but his efforts were futile , he kept reaching her voicemail . By 9 : 00pm , the four of us were frantic . Dad went to the information booth to ask about the flight , while Ina and Ila sat down at the chairs , looking forlorn . I sat on the floor in front of the arrival gate , ignoring the weird stares by the people around me . I only have one thing in my mind , MUM . As I sat there , something caught my attention . The television nearby was broadcasting the night bulletin . I did not pay much attention to it as my mind was fully occupied by the thoughts of Mum , when I heard something that ripped my heart apart . " Flight MH8134 from Paris , France crashed after experiencing major technical difficulties . The crash resulted in the death of all passengers on board , including 15 cabin crews . " The newsreader announced . I could not believe my ears . I looked at Dad , he was watching the news as well . His face crumpled , and his legs gave away . Ila and Ina ran towards him , bursting into tears . I felt tears coming into my eyes as I remembered Mum 's last words to me . As I battle time in the process of unpacking and packing and clearing out my room before I go to the States , this blog has been the victim as I leave it unattended and lifeless . So , just to ensure that it does not die out , here 's my application essay that I sent to Purdue University , West Lafayette last year for your entertainment . Enjoy [ Side note : This essay was written last minute before sending in the application , so pardon the lack of ideas and all . Hihi ♥ ] Envision yourself near the end of a fulfilling , lifelong career and you just published your autobiography . Share the title and introduction . ( 250 - 1 , 000 words ) I imagined my whole life as a vast sea , spreading out for miles and miles into the unknown , filled with millions of species of fishes and other aquatic organisms . Between these fishes lie the biggest fish of all , the fish that I have been wanting to catch for years . To enable me to catch this dream fish of mine , I would need three things - a sturdy fishing rod , a strong fishing line , and a good bait . This is an analogy of my life , where my ultimate goal in life is represented by the biggest fish in the sea . My supportive family members act as the rod , giving me support and encouragement , whereas my friends become the line , helping me to reach for my dreams . The bait , on the other hand , represents the effort and hard work that I need to put in to achieve my goals . For a fisherman , he would need the rod , the line and the bait to help him catch the fish . The same thing goes to me ; I would not be able to reach for my dreams without some effort , and , of course , the support from my family and friends . I was born on August 23 , 1994 as the only daughter of Associate Professor Dr Noor Azmi bin Mat Adenan and Zainab binti Mohd Salleh . I had three brothers ; one of them two years older than I am , and two younger ones . Being the only rose among the thorn , I was quilt spoiled by my parents when I was young . I had my ways most of the time , I was given special treatments on special occasions , I was the center of attention . But , as I grew up , the special attention transformed into special responsibilities . I had to help my mother with various household chores while my brothers chilled in their rooms , playing computer games and watching movies . Although I protested about the unfairness at the start , I grew up to realize that it was actually good for me , as it helps me to be responsible and independent . It gave me a certain level of power too ; as I was able to boss my brothers around if they leave their dishes unwashed or made a mess of the living room . I have to admit , I had a pretty adventurous childhood , going to places my friends could only dream of going . When I was eleven , my father got transferred to a local hospital in Harold Wood , a small and quiet town in East London . One of my earliest recollections of the times I was in England was in July 5 , 2005 , the memorable day in which I first stepped on the land of England . I remembered telling myself as I walk down from the aircraft and into the terminal that I would remember that day until I die , as I have been yearning to set my foot in the country since I was young . For the next two years , my family stayed in a town called Harold Hill , where my father would drive to the next town for his work every weekday and my mother stayed at home , cleaning up the house and taking care of our small garden at the back of the house . Meanwhile , my brothers and I were enrolled in the local schools in the area . My older brother and I were sent to Kings Wood School , while our younger brothers were sent to the local primary school . During our two years stay in London , our parents bought us around Europe , and our school holidays were spent on various activities , such as travelling by underground train to Paris , driving all the way north to Scotland , living in a cottage house in Wales , riding in a gondola in Venice and many more . When I was thirteen , I was sent to an all - girls boarding school , living alone in Malaysia while my other family members were still in London , having fun visiting the Emirates stadium , home of the Arsenal soccer team , which was my favorite team of all . I was jealous , that was certain , but I was having too much fun in a new environment to think about it . Being far away from my family for a few months taught me how to take care of myself , being independent and responsible for my own choices and decisions . Living in a hostel for three years with girls aged thirteen to seventeen years old gave me the perfect platform for me to hone my communication and social skills , while collecting valuable memories and eIn 2010 , my parents decided to transfer me to a private international school , thinking of how it would help me prepare for my university years as I mix around with students of different nationalities . It was at that particular school - Kolej Tuanku Ja ' afar - that I developed my passion for writing and photography . My seniors , who were taking their A - Levels before flying off to either the States or United Kingdom , shared their knowledge about photography with me , while my English teacher helped me improve my writing skills . After almost two years at the school , I successfully became one of the participants in the year - long young journalist program with the local English newspaper , a major breakthrough for me in my dream to become a famous writer . My journey to become the person I am now was not an easy path . I faced obstacles around every turn ; I had people criticizing my every decision , pulling me down every single time . But the support that I received from my closest friends and family kept me strong ; the encouragement that my teachers gave made me held my head high . They stuck by me through every hardship ; their friendship and support gave me the strength I needed to pursue my dreams . They helped me realized my passion and gave me the push I needed to strive and achieve my goals . Without them , I would be nowhere . Without them , I would not be here at all . Lennon was tired of it . He was tired of being picked on by everyone . He was always the punching bag in school . The other kids kept on making jokes about him , putting earthworms and frogs in his locker , hiding his shoes in the changing room , ripping out pages from his books . He got used to it after a while , but sometimes it was just too much for him to handle , too much for him to tolerate . When his favorite fountain pen was stamped and broken , he broke into tears . It was the only thing he had from his late father , and now it was gone . As he picked up the broken pieces , his small little heart whispered angrily . " I can 't take it anymore . I 'm tired of this . I wish I could be popular . I wish I could be popular so people would stop picking on me . " He went back home that night with a heavy heart . His mother had prepared his favourite dish - friend salmon with apple pie , but he had no appetite to eat . He took a tiny bite at the dessert , and retired to his room - the only place he could find serenity and peace . " Wake up Lennon ! It 's almost 7 o ' clock ! You 're going to be late for school ! " his mother shouted from the kitchen . Lennon opened his eyes lazily , his head in a dizzy state . He made his way to the shower and got himself ready just as the school bus pulled up in front of the house . He climbed up and searched for an empty seat . Lennon braced himself for a shower of insults from Drake . Who in the school would not know Drake Bennett and his group of football players ? They loved to pick on people like Lennon , and thought that they were the coolest group in the school . Lennon was just about to counter his insult , but stopped his tongue just in time . He could not believe what he was hearing . Was Drake Bennett really offering him a seat ? Next to Renee Yale , the cheerleader captain ? Was he still dreaming , or was it all reality ? " Why wouldn 't you sit with us , we 're a team , man , remember ? We 're brothers ! Just sit here ! " Drake said , pointing to the empty seat next to Renee . Lennon walked to the back of the bus in a haze , trying to register what was happening . Here he was , joining Drake 's gang , being offered a seat next to Renee , and being called Darling by Renee , the crush of his life ? I must be dreaming , he told himself , and pinched himself on the thigh . Ouch ! Okay , definitely not dreaming … But how could this ever come true ? Lennon thought , and suddenly he remembered his wish the day before . Is this really coming true ? My wish to become popular is finally fulfilled ! He took quite some time to adjust himself to the new popularity . For the first time in his life , people are finally noticing him , not as a laughing stock , but as one of the most popular boy in the school . Girls were fighting over each other to get a lunch date with him , while the guys kept asking him to join them for football . This is just too good to be true , Lennon thought as he put his arms around Renee , his new sweetheart . He could not believe his luck . First , he got his wish to be popular . Second , he got his dream girl to go out with him . And third , he did not even have to do anything to get all of these , since it all came to him . Hanging out with Drake gave a bad influence to Lennon . Through Drake , Lennon had started to experiment with cigarettes and drugs . They always skip classes to go to the cyber cafes to play computer games . He had also started to lie to his mother , asking her for money to fulfil his addiction . A few weeks passed , and it was time for the end of school examinations . Lennon was scared as he knew he did not prepare anything for the examination . When Drake realized how nervous Lennon was , he pulled him aside . " I haven 't prepared anything for the exams ! I don 't even pay attention in class ! I 'm so going to flunk this exam ! " Lennon answered , covering his face in shame . " Hey , hey , hey , relax brother ! Relax . That 's why you have us with you . We 're brothers , remember ? And we stick by your side . Let me share with you our secret to success , the reason why we always pass our exams even though we didn 't do any work , " Drake said . " Well , that 's your choice . But if you fail , don 't say I didn 't warn you , " Drake said , shrugging his arms . He walked away , leaving Lennon deep in thought . " Should I ? I would fail if I didn 't , but I wouldn 't have to cheat if I have at least prepare for this exam . Hmmm . Okay , I 'll cheat , just this once . After this , I 'll study , I promise , " he said to himself . He called Drake over and told him his agreement . Drake nodded with joy . " Okay , here 's what you have to do … " Drake whispered intensely , and Lennon tried to remember every single thing Drake asked him to do . " Got it ? " " Okay , so you go now . We 'll wait by the back door of the office . The teachers would be in the meeting room , so the coast is clear ! " Lennon entered the teachers ' common room , and his eyes scanned the room for the stack of examination papers . There is was , standing tall on Mr Palmer 's desk . He went nearer and went through the papers . He was so busy that he did not realize the door opening and Mr Johnson coming in . Lennon was suspended for two months for attempting to cheat . While at home , his mother kept an eagle eye on him , making sure that he did not get involved in any suspicious activities . As he sat in his room , he thought of his wish again . Life is never perfect . I never recalled saying that the life I 'm living now is perfect . Heck , it 's been one hell of a life . I 've had my heart broken by the people I loved . I 've experienced loss and broken friendships . It 's nowhere near what you would call a ' perfect life ' . Define me ' a perfect life ' . It is a life without heartbreaks ? A life where you have tons of money ? A life where you get every single thing you wished for ? I have asked a few friends for their opinions , and as expected , they came up with different interpretations on what they call ' a perfect life ' . A close of mine said that a prefect life is when you can be with that somebody who is precious to you . In short , you get to be with your loved ones . Another friend said that a perfect life is just an imperfect life that we considered as perfect , as nothing is perfect in this world . My junior surprised me with her matured answer , " Life is only perfect when you think it is . Life is only perfect when you 're happy . But sometimes people make your life better by walking into it while other people make your life better by simply walking out of it . So , I think there 's no such thing as perfect life . " Life is never going to be a walk in the park , a bed of roses . There will always be something , or someone , trying to bring us down . Heck , life is never easy . It 's always going to be a roller coaster ride , sometimes with more downs than ups . Everyone , at one point or another , will have to experience a situation where they 'll feel lost . Lonely . Hopeless . There has always been this insecure feeling somewhere inside of us , something that make us feel like giving up everything . There 's nobody there to help you out . Nobody there to listen to your woes . Nobody there to lend you their ears . Nobody there to pull you up on your feet when you 're down . Nobody there to basically just care . " And seek help through patience and prayer , and indeed , it is difficult except for the humbly submissive ( to Allah ) " [ 2 : 45 ] People have always forgotten to turn to Him at times of troubled . We always blame our family , our friends , our loved ones for leaving us alone when we needed them the most . We blamed them for abandoning us , for hurting us , for ignoring us . Don 't sit and count the many times people have hurt you and left you alone . Instead , count the thousands times you 've hurt Him but yet He never left you alone . Haven 't you realized that yet ? As cliché as it will sound , everything in this world does happens for a reason . We might feel frustrated when we do not get what we wanted , but we never thought it might be for our own good . All we know is to ask for more , but we were never grateful for what we already have . " Fighting has been enjoined upon you while it is hateful to you . But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you ; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you . And Allah Knows , while you know not . " [ 2 : 216 ] Instead of crying your eyes out , screaming out loud into your pillows , throwing every single thing your hands could grab , why don 't you turn to Him ? Haven 't you realized yet , the only reason you 're alone is because He sent everyone away so He could be with you ? Haven 't you realized that He gave you all sorts of pains so you could come out stronger ? Everyone is strong , and everyone is indeed special in their own ways . Never let anyone or anything tell you otherwise . Be strong , and be happy with your life . It 's one heck of a life . 22 years old . Final year student at University of Wisconsin - Madison , USA . A sleep - deprived , Milo - addicted night owl . Oh , and I write , obviously . My Malay blog : Pengakuan dalam Diam Pengakuan dalam Diam - the Malay versionAntara Cinta dan Cita - Cita . Minggu Peperiksaan . # KakLongMadison . Kahwin sini , kahwin sana . Cita - cita & Masa Depan . © 2015 - 2016 . Syaza Nazura . All Rights Reserved - Designed by CityHouseDesign
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The morning of the trip , the wind blew like crazy and the forecast called for rain mixed with snow . So what ? Lisa Speckman couldn 't wait for the adventure to begin . She had packed what she needed : her medicines , a parka , a single glove , a pair of fleece pants to cover her stumps . Now she is sitting in her wheelchair , waiting for her friends to load the Jeep . This will be her first outing since getting sick a year ago , the first time back in the mountains , just like old times . They will snowmobile up to Lily Lake and spend the night . The timing of the trip and the name of the lake are just coincidences , but they 're hard to ignore : March 1 , the anniversary of the day she nearly died ; Lily , the name of her youngest daughter . A year ago , Lisa went to the hospital to have a baby . Within weeks she had lost three limbs , multiple organs and her career . She needs this trip , the chance to journey to a setting that is so much a part of her own nature , to get weary in a good way , to listen to what she calls the deafening silence of winter . She needs to know what is possible . Yes , the weather is unpredictable , she decides . But then , so is everything else . Lisa was the kind of ER nurse who could handle anything , the one you could count on to take a shift no one else wanted , the one who could take the edge off a bad night with her quirky sense of humor . She was strong and healthy . She had delivered a healthy baby . She was going home today , wasn 't she ? Her pregnancy had been effortless . In her eighth month , on January afternoons , Lisa took 2 - year - old Hannah to Alta to ski , sheltering her daughter between her legs as they headed downhill . The day before her due date , Feb . 25 , 2005 , Lisa pulled a 12 - hour shift in the emergency room at LDS Hospital . Before dawn the next morning , right on schedule , her water broke . Lillian Marrakesh Speckman , bald , breech and 19 inches long , was delivered at sunrise by C - section . By late morning , her husband , Steve , a reporter at the Deseret Morning News , was back in the newsroom showing off photos of the new baby . In her room at LDS Hospital , Lisa was tired but happy . " She 's perfect , " she told an ER co - worker who came by to see Lily the next day . Lisa also showed off her own toenails , painted by Hannah a little messy but festive . Lisa was so sure she was leaving the hospital on March 1 that she asked a friend to dinner that night . Still , says her mother , when she talked to Lisa by phone , the conversation was off . At times , Lisa seemed to make no sense . By the time Lisa should have been gathering up her flowers and wrapping Lily for the trip home , there was no question something was wrong . In pain and frightened , she had called Steve early in the morning to tell him she was having trouble breathing and her stomach was swollen and sore . Probably a kinked bowel , doctors reassured Steve as they wheeled her in for exploratory surgery early in the afternoon . Friends waited with Steve as the hours dragged on . Finally , doctors brought news that turned his world on its head . " Your wife is as sick as a human being can be and still be alive , " is how friend Susan Heiner remembers it . What doctors had assumed was a routine problem turned out to be a massive infection ; they had removed her uterus , which was oozing pus . Lisa 's future was being measured in minutes : If she made it through this minute , she had a chance of surviving the next one . If she somehow made it one hour she might make it two but with every organ in her body struggling , no one believed she 'd survive the night . ven the whites of her eyes were swollen . he lay unconscious , her eyelids stretched so tight they couldn 't close . er skin was mottled , purple and blue and gray , as if she 'd been beaten . Later that evening , Lisa 's mother , Dee Borowiak , arrived from Chicago . Susan took her upstairs to Lisa 's empty hospital room , still filled with congratulatory balloons and Lisa 's slippers , where nurses handed her Lily . OK , there will be no nonsense here , Dee told her tiny granddaughter . " You 're going to eat and grow and get fat and happy , so that when your mother gets out of the hospital she 'll know this was all worth it . " Then Dee went downstairs to see her daughter . Dee sat down in a chair next to Lisa 's bed , patted her daughter 's swollen blue hand and began : " Our baby is beautiful , " she said . " I can 't wait for you to see her . " Susan Heiner , uncertain that Dee understood the prognosis , warned her not to get her hopes up . " This is serious , " she told her . Of course , said Dee . " But they don 't know Lisa . Lisa won 't stand for this . " In winter months , about 1 in 20 adults and one - third of children carry Strep A in their noses , throats or on their skin at any time . It may hang around for a few days or even months , but most often it 's benign . Since Strep A conjures the image of a sore throat , a mild skin infection , occasionally a more severe complication like rheumatic fever , it 's easy to underestimate its destructive potential . There are about 150 different varieties , and it is singularly good at adapting to its circumstances . Invasive Strep A can directly cause necrotizing fasciitis , often simplistically called flesh - eating disease , although in reality it attacks connective tissue , destroying muscles and their underpinnings , not just flesh . One in five afflicted that way will die . It can also cause devastating syndromes , not by spreading bacteria but by releasing powerful poisons . The process can rage on after the bacteria itself has been killed penicillin usually does the trick . About a third of those cases turn into Streptococcal toxic shock syndrome ( not associated with tampons ) . As blood pressure plunges , crucial organs like kidneys and lungs start to shut down . As many as 70 percent of patients die . Invasive Strep A may also jump - start a process of blood coagulation ; the widespread clotting chokes off blood flow to the fingers and toes , arms and legs , strangling limbs . If the limbs die , they must be removed to save the rest of the body . Lisa 's strep chose three destructive paths , says Dr . Jeffrey R . Saffle , professor of surgery at the University of Utah School of Medicine and director of University Hospital 's burn intensive care unit . It settled in the muscle and connective tissue in her abdominal wall , creating large abscesses . It triggered toxic shock . And it choked off circulation to her limbs . Lisa was unconscious as her organs died incrementally . The next day , doctors took out her ovaries and sections of her large and small intestines . On Day 5 , surgeons removed her gall bladder and performed an ileostomy , which funneled her waste to a bag on her abdomen . Meanwhile , her liver couldn 't keep up with the toxins that were forming in her body . And her limbs were darkening ominously . " Each day , " wrote Steve in an e - mail to his friends , " is a new emotion based on one or two central themes fear and sorrow , mostly for each day Hannah is without her mommy . am trying to stay positive and trying to envision our family as four people in the future . continue to pray . continue to talk to Lisa , even when I 'm not in the room with her . wear her wedding ring around my neck on a chain she normally wears I won 't take it off until I can put it back on her finger , or at least around her neck . " U Lisa and Steve met at a party in Chicago in 1996 . That first night they talked for five hours straight , about his Peace Corps stint in Micronesia and her medical missions to Peru , and the bumpy terrain of relationships . Already , they discovered , they could discuss anything without flinching . " Blunt " and " Blunter , " their friends affectionately nicknamed them . They got married two days after Christmas in 1997 , put their belongings in storage and immediately set off on a three - month whim - driven , low - budget honeymoon through the South Pacific . In 1998 they settled in Utah , lured by the promise of mountain trails . Lisa was a hiker , a skier , a biker , a hugger , a nurse , a traveler , a woman who never sat still . If there was one moment that summed Lisa up , it was that time on a camping trip to Idaho when Steve was struggling to land a large fish and Lisa took off her clothes to jump in the river and toss it up on the bank . Then she ran in her underwear down the road looking for the sign that would tell them if they could keep the fish . On Day 12 , Lisa was transferred to the burn intensive care at University Hospital . More like chemotherapy than fire , the strep - induced toxins had burned her from the inside out . It seared more than half of her body , including her tongue , and her hair fell out in clumps . Before it can destroy , invasive Strep A has to find a way in . Its doorway could be a wound , even one as innocuous as a bug bite . Half the time , it simply finds a vulnerable area a sprain or a bruise with no skin break . B ise microbiologist Amy Bryant tells of a child who bumped his knee while trick or treating . W thin 48 hours , doctors had to amputate his leg because of strep . Some scientists theorize , too , that certain people have immunological markers that predispose them to bad outcomes . In addition , strep specialists think it 's likely that the immune system itself may cause harm by overreacting . One infectious disease specialist says it 's like turning on a sprinkler system in an art museum to counteract cigar smoke : a major , destructive offensive against a nonthreat . The Utah Health Department started tracking invasive Group A Strep only a year ago too soon to figure out whether public health or private citizens can do anything to avoid it , says Susan Mottice , a state epidemiologist . hey have not yet found predictability in what feels too much like brutal random chance . here were 70 reported cases of invasive Strep A last year ; officials are certain that 's an undercount . t 's an unsettling fact , experts say , that the number of invasive cases is increasing . It 's unclear how Lisa 's strep began , but impossible not to wonder . Had she tripped on something and discounted the ensuing bruise as nothing ? Did she pick it up at work ? Did it sneak in through the C - section site ? Many local physicians familiar with her case declined to discuss it because of potential litigation . Hospital risk management teams counseled even those doctors not involved with Lisa 's care not to discuss strep for this article . In the burn unit , surgeons sliced out dead tissue on her mottled limbs , hoping to save as much leg as they could and at least part of her right hand . A day after that they removed her legs below the knees . When the tissue continued to die , they went in again , and then again , each time taking off more , until the legs ended just inches below her hips . Two days after they amputated her legs , they cut off her right arm , leaving a stump midway from elbow to shoulder . The tally of limbs and organs strep claimed had effectively reduced one - third of her body , and Steve wondered how much more she could take . Unspoken was " Would she want this ? How much can someone lose and still want to live ? " As the strep took its toll , LDS emergency room nurses Lorie Hutchison and Anne Marie Bickmore set up a " Lisa Speckman Update " on Bickmore 's voicemail . Hutchison would call the hospital each morning , then try to figure out how to phrase the increasingly grim news . " How do you tell people , ' They 're cutting off her legs ? ' " remembers Hutchison , who would write her message , practice it out loud , then rewrite the words to soften the brittle edges , trying to find the right balance of truth and hope . She slipped in and out of consciousness , full of medications that chemically paralyzed her and sedatives to keep her from panicking because she couldn 't move . When she slept she had horrifying dreams . When she wasn 't asleep , they gave her the news in small bits , deciding each day how much she could handle . Steve and Dee told the story in short chapters that had to be repeated over and over , the immensity too much to take in . Trying to make sense of it , Lisa groggily figured she must have been in a car crash , but she couldn 't remember a thing about it . There 's an old parlor game where people compare potential losses . " Which would you rather lose ? " the question goes , " your sight or your hearing ? Your arms or your legs ? " Here 's how Lisa answers the question . " I could live without an arm , " she says now . " I could modify my career and adjust . " But her legs were another story . " My legs were where I lived and where my heart was . " But there were milestones that buoyed her . Her kidneys started working again , a few drops of urine that made everyone cheer and put an end to dialysis . Steve brought Hannah and Lily to see her for the first time , and Hannah asked only " Where 'd Mommy 's hair go ? " On a sunny day near the end of April , Steve and Dee wheeled Lisa through the front door of the hospital for a breath of fresh air . There were tulips and daffodils growing in the island in the middle of the driveway , and a wisp of breeze . Suddenly she was crying , happy to be outside and in motion , even on such a small journey . There were months of in - patient rehab still to come , first at the University of Utah and then in Chicago . Steve gave her pep talks . Her one arm was a gift , he told her . After all , her loss , like all losses , was relative . If the surgeon had cut a little higher on her right arm , she might not be able to use a prosthetic one . If she had lost a few more inches of her legs , she might not be able to sit up . She could have lost her tongue . In Chicago , where Lisa went for intensive inpatient therapy at the Rehabilitation Institute in the summer of 2005 , she met two women who had lost all four of their limbs . She also met a man who had lost both arms in an electrical accident . He had both legs and could walk , but he had a 2 - year - old and a baby on the way and he was sick at the thought that he couldn 't cuddle them . Lisa could stroke Lily 's cheek and give Hannah a one - armed hug . She still had five fingers , even if they were hypersensitive and sometimes painful . Lisa had lost three limbs , but they hadn 't amputated her sense of humor . Even back in the burn unit , not long after she finally grasped what had happened to her , she called her co - workers in the ER at LDS Hospital . " Hi , this is Lisa , " she said . " Do you know anybody who needs some shoes ? " Just before Thanksgiving , she came home to Utah . Before she 'd gotten sick , they lived in a cozy cottage near East High . But when it became clear that the house , with its stairs and small nooks , wouldn 't work for a wheelchair , Steve had tried to think of a way to hold onto their home the one constant in their lives . ne afternoon in early June he showed up at a Utah audition for the TV reality show " Extreme Makeover : Home Edition . " e mailed in an application and never heard back . isa 's story apparently wasn 't TV - worthy . Two months later , on a chilly morning in early 2006 , Lisa and Hannah sit on the sofa in the front room , looking out the window , past the snow in the front yard toward a vista of houses and lake and gray sky . It 's a nice day to be inside , if you 're someone who likes that sort of thing . Lisa shifts her torso on the sofa , hugging the arm of her sweatshirt , trying to find a comfortable position . After Hannah leaves the room , Lisa slides further into the cushions to talk about her life . She and Steve had had a perfect life : good jobs , frequent trips to the backcountry and far - off places . They had been so committed to the idea of the open road that they had embedded it in their daughters ' names : Lillian Marrakesh , after the Moroccan city they loved , and Hannah Moorea , for an island in Tahiti . Now she will be what she calls a " soft mom , " reading books to the girls , helping them with homework , giving lots of hugs and cuddles . That 's a good mom role , she says , but she had wanted to show them how to be rugged in the world . She worries that she will burden Hannah with constant requests to " open this " and " pick up that . " With Lily , Lisa needs what she wryly calls " adult supervision , " because in an emergency she won 't be able to rescue the baby , unthinkable to an emergency room nurse . A nanny , 21 - year - old Sammie Bickmore , has helped care for the baby since Lisa was in the hospital , and even now , when Steve or Sammie leaves the room and only Lisa is left , Lily cries . But little by little there is a new normal . Lily likes to snuggle with Lisa now . Hannah likes to lie next to what she calls Lisa 's " baby arm " and uses Lisa 's hook hand the one Lisa has named " Alfred " as a carry - all for gum wrappers and hairbands . N t long ago , when the children in Hannah 's preschool class were asked what makes them happy , Hannah 's response , later tacked to the classroom door , was " I 'm happy because my mom gives me hugs and kisses . " Learning to walk on artificial legs , at 44 , means building up the glutes so they 're strong enough to launch the legs forward , and training the brain to think about the relationship between knee , heel and toe . Today Lisa is dangling , attached to an elaborate harness that looks like an amusement park ride . Strength comes through exercise but also from the sheer effort of hanging from the harness , trying to move legs that aren 't her own . They hang , like marionette legs , from the sockets that fit over her stumps . At the bottom are two running shoes . She longs these days to be vertical . At home she will wear 8 - inch kneeless " stubbies " that resemble pipes on small platforms . But in rehab she is trying to master the grand prize with diligence and a certain amount of luck , she may one day walk on " C - legs " with bending knees and flexible ankles and a microprocessor that lets the two joints talk to each other . First , though , she must show the insurance company she has mastered the practice legs in rehab . They 're heavy and burn energy she doesn 't have and may not get . Progress comes in tiny spurts and hinges on small things , like whether the sleeves that cover her stumps are precisely aligned to avoid painful pressure points . She has no guarantee that she will ever really walk , on her own , without the harness , but she works at it , hour after hour , heel toe , heel toe . It 's exhausting , and as she tires she beckons to a therapist across the room . She cannot yet drive and relies on a large network of friends to take her everywhere the rigid schedule of walking therapy and hand therapy and doctors appointments that consumes her time and energy . he friends come , one says , not from a sense of duty but because they long to spend time with her . ven when doctors were removing pieces of her , notes a woman who helped care for her , " Lisa would ask about your kids and knew their names . " Because she lost part of her intestine , she doesn 't absorb nutrients well , so eating is one more complication that must be considered and planned . She also lost fat and muscle when skin was taken for grafts . So she picks foods that are high in protein and energy . Once a Doves chocolate girl , she now craves vinegar and salt and green olives , her taste buds altered by the damage to her tongue . It takes at least an hour to get ready to go anywhere each morning , 20 minutes and someone 's help , just to attach her new electric arm . It 's a complicated gadget , programmed so that flexing the triceps muscle in her stump opens the hand , relaxing the muscle closes it . To turn the wrist she must swing the upper arm back and forth . The arm is a work in progress : she has to decide if she wants an elbow , because elbows are not necessarily the most practical of nature 's inventions . A microchip controls the strength of her grip . These days , laughter and tears travel side by side . In the car at a drive - thru pharmacy not long ago , Lisa was playing with her electric hand , trying to get it to cooperate . She placed her left hand across the artificial palm to test its grip , which , it turned out , was relentless . She squealed , fumbling to make it let go . As the pharmacist came to the window and peered into the car , Sammie was reaching down Lisa 's shirt , trying to unhook the battery to turn it off . At lunch , later in the day , Lisa retold the story and her friends howled with laughter . She is both grateful for the help she has received from so many friends and envious of those who don 't need it . In rehab one day , while Lisa 's stubbies are being adjusted , Sammie kisses Lily between the eyes , making the child belly laugh . A small cloud briefly passes across Lisa 's face . She would love to be the shelter Lily seeks , but that , like everything else in her life , will take time . Across the room , Lisa begins a waving game and Lily waves back . Soon , mother and baby are giggling at each other across the expanse of carpet . On the scale of randomness , strep falls somewhere between a stray bullet and cancer : something that seems to come out of nowhere but can 't be blamed on chance alone . At night , when the children are asleep and the house is quiet , Lisa and Steve still ask themselves why it all happened . It is less a question about medicine and more about the whys of the universe . But gradually , Steve says , they are reframing the question . She is here to love her family and to be loved . She is here to teach her children , even if the lessons might not be the ones she once imagined . She might or might not take them to Morocco . But she can certainly teach them to savor all journeys , big and small . She has reprioritized the lessons , she says . Love of nature has fallen to third place . First is compassion and open - mindedness toward those who are different , regardless of how . " Secondly , " she says , " I want to try to keep our family together in a healthy manner . " They are all adapting to new roles , all cautiously learning how to take care of her . Their feelings are still so tender , almost raw , she says . In dark moments and Lisa admits there are still many she looks at the future and it seems short . S e 's a nurse , she says , so she knows that her life - span has changed . S e will always battle malnutrition . S e doesn 't know if her heart was damaged or if her kidneys will fail again . S e starts now from a weaker point , and any injury or infection or damage to her organs could kill her . She and Steve have practiced what they will tell Hannah and Lily some day about what happened . It was not the birth that made her sick , it was bacteria , they will say . They will explain it like this : Mommy came back to be with you . Lily turned 1 two weeks ago . She celebrated by sticking one finger tentatively into her birthday cake , followed by her elbow and more fingers and then her fist . Soon she was covered in frosting and everybody was cheering nurses and neighbors and all the friends who have helped Lisa get through the worst year of her life . It 's March again , that capricious month when the earth can 't decide whether to howl or coo , to knock you down or give you hope . Ice , sun , Ides , buds , wind that tears the limbs off trees . The promise that , as always , something new will grow . The month that asks only that you ride her out . At night , sheltered in their camp , the women tell stories . The day that started with wind and rain and ice has cleared . The women tease each other around the fire , and , sitting there , Lisa doesn 't feel shorter or less capable or more afraid . The trip that was planned to help her see what is possible is also about the food and the weather and the trip in and out and who got lost on the way in and who didn 't believe their GPS . It is about friends laughing and life and of just being regardless . The next day , the sun is shining and snow hugs the branches of the aspens . Lorie places Lisa on the snowmobile , and they head off through the woods to a clearing , where they cut the engine . Lisa sits , perfectly still , listening to the silence .
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We asked for photos of your favorite pens , and we even got a few replies . Here they are : ShawnI love this pen because I got it for free . It has the perfect feel in my hand and when I 'm out if my office I hide it in a very secret place so no one will get it ! ! Kelsie My favorite pen is sadly not a free free one . However , they are pretty cheap and they last FOREVER ! I think it is a Pentol R . S . V . P . You can find them a many different colors and tip sizes . My favorite is the fine tip . . . it just writes cleaner . Don 't forget to e - mails of your favorite desk drawer ! Photos will be posted Friday ! My dog Roscoe tries so hard to be a good dog . He knows two tricks : sit and heel . On days when we don 't take a walk , I sometimes let him out of the yard to play . He has a routine . I open his gate , he runs directly to the back door , whines and scratches at the door , and when he sits quietly , I let him in . He drinks some of the cat 's water , trots to the front door , sits , and then I let him out . I 'm not sure why he thinks he has to come through the house to get to the front yard , but that 's what he does . Usually , the first thing he does once he achieves freedom is find a place to make his mark . That is sometimes my across - the - street neighbor 's tree . I know it 's a little tacky , but he 's a dog . That 's what dogs do . Once when he did this , my neighbor happened to be at the mailbox getting his mail and I saw this incident unfold in slow motion . Roscoe bolted out the front door , found a good spot , and lifted his leg . My neighbor saw him and then he started hollering and flapping his mail at Roscoe . I didn 't really know how to respond . On one hand , I felt like I should be ashamed that I let my dog behave in such an uncivilized manner and should somehow attempt to stop the unfortunate series of events at hand and apologize profusely . On the other hand , I thought my neighbor was being awfully silly for freaking out at such a tiny little thing and that he should just let the dog do its business . I know Roscoe is not the first dog to pee on that tree . When Roscoe and I go for walks , I 'm never exactly sure what the rules are regarding dog … business . I live in a pretty rural area . Roscoe and I walk around the perimeter of town , where one side of the street is inside city limits , and the other is not . I don 't feel guilty about letting him deface the edge of a pasture where cows are doing the exact same thing . I certainly don 't let him poop on people 's lawns , but I don 't mind if he pees on utility poles or fire hydrants . Sunday night Roscoe and I didn 't go for a walk , so I had let him frolic about the nePosted by We all have a drawer at work that houses our handiest stuff . It is the one where we keep our most prized possessions . Even if you are a full time parents you have a drawer where you keep the first aid kit or the box of emergency bribe cookies . We want to see your favorite drawer ! E - mail us a photo at lameadventures @ gmail . com . We will publish your favorites on Friday ! LisaI 'm pretty ashamed to show my office junk drawer to the world , but here it is . There 's the standard tape , stapler , staple remover , letter opener , scissors , binder clips , business cards , etc . Those business cards are duplicates . I keep one copy of everyone 's business card in my Rolodex , but I have some duplicates that I keep on hand in case I need to refer a client to a colleague . I store those in this drawer . This also gives you a little glimpse into my Chapstick obsession . The white one is the one currently in use , but as you can see , I have two waiting in the wings for when the current one runs out . I also have an assortment of over the counter drugs and hand sanitizer . I 'm counting on that hand sanitizer to get me through swine flu season unscathed . You might be wondering what the little lapel pin backs are there for . I stick the lapel pins to my bulletin board , but I keep the backs in this drawer … just in case . I don 't know why . The pins just seem incomplete without them . JulieI work with the general public , and the public is generally grimy . So I keep a stash of cleaning supplies . Specifically disinfecting supplies . My Kleenex are even the antimicrobial kind . I couldn 't actually tell you what that means , but it sounds healthy . I was banned from Lysol quite a while ago . Apparently I was giving people headaches with my obsessive spraying . But with our current Swine Flu craziness , I have unbanned myself from it . I do try to keep it confined to my own cubicle . Everyone else can get sick ! How much cologne is too much cologne ? In most articles about job interview etiquette , you will read something about not wearing cologne at your interview . Shouldn 't that carry over to professional environments in general ? I mean , if you shouldn 't wear cologne to a job interview , should you really wear it any other professional appointment ? I realize that people 's tastes vary . I can live with that . I can tolerate the scent of cologne that is not particularly appealing to me … as long as it does not suffocate me . Last week I received a visit from a person who always wears strong cologne . I could smell him coming . Generally when people visit my office , I close the door , but this time I chose not to because I thought it might help the fumes dissipate . I was wrong . It didn 't help . Even after my guest left , his essence lingered . My eyes watered . I had to open my window and work at the front desk while my office aired out . Sometimes I wonder what inspires people to bathe in cologne . I don 't wear perfume very often , but when I do , I apply sparingly . I don 't want the perfume bottle manufacturers ' research and development efforts to have been in vain . I figure they have carefully calibrated the atomizer to dispense the perfect dose of perfume in a single squirt . There 's no need to second guess them . Leave the science of perfume application to the professionals ! Hello , I am LB Fries , or you can call me by my street name of " Pound Fries . " It has a nice , urban feel to it . JWhen Lisa asked me to be a guest blogger , I believe that she assumed I would want to write about subjects that are very deep , and have a social conscience feel to them . Nope , I want to write about TV ! Namely , I want to write about my secret passion in TV … the Real Housewives Series on Bravo . The current Real Housewives edition that is on Bravo is the Real Housewives of Atlanta , and by far , it is my favorite . Whenever I have had a bad day , week , heck even a bad minute , if I find one of these episodes on , I immediately feel better after just a small time spent watching . Why ? Well , let me explain . First , I believe the Atlanta edition of this series personifies the old saying of , " Keep your friends close , and your enemies closer . " Really , I believe these women , who were introduced in Season One as friends , are actually as one of the ladies put it , " associates " , who can turn on each other at any time . You must see this for yourself to understand . One episode centered on the ladies having a " pole dancing " party in the basement of mansion . This was actually a " how to " party , so that the ladies could learn , or in some cases , brush up on their skills . Believe me ; it was pretty evident who had seen time on the pole before . Everyone tried to be supportive of each other , but when one lady actually flipped on the pole , and landed at the bottom in the splits , you had the feeling that professionals were in the house . Lo and behold , it was discovered that a couple of the ladies had been strippers in a past life . . . perfect ! Another episode centered on one of the ladies , Kim , trying to launch a singing career . Although this is in Season One , you have to take time to find the video of her voice lesson with one of Atlanta 's leading voice teachers … priceless ! When I say , she couldn 't carry a tune in a paper bag , I am not exaggerating . However , in Season Two , Kim records a single , with the help of one of Posted by This Friday we will have our very first guest blogger here at Lame Adventures . I know , I know . It seems a little early to bring in the replacements , but I 'm here to tell you , this will be quite a treat . I 'm pretty sure lbfries is going to win over our vast readership of seven dedicated individuals with her charming personality and brilliant wit . I had showed the blog 's homepage to another friend of mine , who asked , " who is Pound Fries ? " after reading the list of contributors . Pound Fries ? What ? OH ! I get it ! Actually , lbfries is just her street name , but Pound Fries kind of stuck , so from now on she will be referred to on this blog as Pound Fries . Every time I think of it I picture that Chuck E . Cheese Whack - a - Mole game where you smack fuzzy rodents on the head , but instead I see crinkle cut fries popping up and being pounded with a mallet . Or , inspired by my recent state fair visit , deep fried pound cake . Pound Fries is a friend and coworker of mine at the university and when I told her that I was starting a blog , I asked her what I should write about . Doesn 't every blogger blindly start a blog with no topics or ideas in mind ? I thought so . Pound Fries had many exciting suggestions , none of which I knew anything about . Great . Not only am I unprepared to start a blog , I 'm also unqualified . One of her suggested topics was The Real Housewives of Atlanta and I had to admit that I don 't even own a TV … and even if I did , I wouldn 't have cable . So , at that point , we determined that Pound Fries would be our resident TV junkie . Stay tuned … This week we decided to do a photo post about our favorite pens . Everyone has one ! You know , the one that causes you to tense up a little when it is momentarily lost under a sheet of paper . What is your favorite pen ? Send us a photo and description of why you love it at lameadventures @ gmail . com and we will post them next Wednesday ! LisaThis is my favorite pen ! My credit union gave it to me for free ! I use it for everything . I love that the ink flows so smoothly , and in such a skinny line . I wish I knew where to obtain more . Knowing that this pen will eventually run out of ink and I don 't know where to find a replacement stresses me out a little . JulieMy favorite pens are the freebies that you can steal from the bank ( or apparently in this case , a Comfort Inn ) . I love them because they waste ink so generously . I love pens that write in thick , dark lines . I always hide these pens in a desk drawer when I know I won 't be at work for a day or two and there is a chance of someone using my desk . I don 't think anyone would purposely steal my pens , but I don 't want to take any chances ! This was a super exciting weekend ! My husband 's wonderful boss gave him tickets the the OSU / Rice football game . We took some of C 's friends who graduated from OSU . They showed us around campus and we even got to eat Hideaway pizza . My mom has a theory that sports brings out the worst in people . I think she 's right . It amazed me how many people yelled out criticism from the audience . Especially considering the fact that OSU was comfortably winning throughout the entire game . The guy behind us was especially rude . At one point he yelled , " at OSU we have to take the ACT to get in . " How does this apply to football , you ask ? I 'm not really sure . Apparently ACT scores affect your ability to play football . I 'm sure there is research on this , but I 'm not looking it up . Later we heard him say that the entire Rice football team is probably smarter than OSU 's smartest guy . I wonder what this guy 's ACT score was . Probably not very high . Later , after the Cowboys made a bad play he yelled , " this game couldn 't get any worse ! " Er , yes it could . OSU could be losing . But they weren 't . They were winning by at least 10 points . Apparently OSU wasn 't playing very well . I 'm not sure what " good " football looks like , but I do know what a jerk sounds like . And given the choice between good football and nice people , I choose nice people . I think this is why our parents never encouraged us to play sports . Now please don 't assume that they filled our heads with anti - sports ideals and discouraged us from dreams of being the next WNBA star . They would have happily driven us to practices and games where the coach would yell belittling things to us and other parents would yell their own bits of criticism from the stands . But I 'm pretty sure my mom knew I couldn 't handle that type of confrontation . The coach could have patted me on the head , handed me a piece of candy , and told me to run faster next time and I would have thought I was in huge trouble . I have never understood the point of being yelled at for playing a game . Shouldn 't sports be fun ? IPosted by Yesterday I represented my employer and alma mater at the state fair . The university has a booth there each year and asks representatives from various departments to work there recruiting future students and greeting alumni . Yesterday was the first day of the fair , so I expected things to still be fresh and clean . But it 's the fair . One can 't expect too much . My shift was scheduled to begin at 6 : 00 . I left the office at 4 : 00 , about an hour early , so I would have plenty of time to park , walk , and grab something to eat before I was to report for duty . Unfortunately , I encountered a serious traffic backup due to an accident on the Interstate . I was able to exit and take a back road for a few miles and avoid some of the mess , but I had already wasted precious time . When I arrived at the fair , there was another traffic jam , so I decided to just park far away and hike . Even though it wasn 't actually raining when I got there , it had been raining so the " parking lot " was pretty soggy . There were some cars stuck in the mud , but I carefully avoided the muddy spots and found a nice , clean spot on the grass . A bonus of attending the fair on the first day ! Another bonus of attending the fair on the first day is that it is Dollar Day ! This means exactly what it sounds like it means . Admission is $ 1 . Now , the regular fair clientele isn 't the classiest group , but you can imagine who comes out of the woodwork for dollar day . My experience in the public relations booth was fairly uneventful this year . Last year I met some pretty interesting characters , but this year the crowd was pretty tame . I did meet the artist who designed our clock tower and the same lady who wanted to take our mascot home last year stopped by to try to take it from me again this year . I had my annual state fair corn dog … two , actually . And some questionable lemonade from the hospitality room . I never knew there was such a thing ! There is a secret lair where fair vendors can partake of free drinks ! Each booth is given two hospitality room tickets at tPosted by There should be minimum requirements to be allowed to leave the house and go into public . It is a combination of attitude , cleanliness , and clothing . If you do not meet the minimum requirements , then you should not be allowed to interact with other people . AttitudeIt shouldn 't necessarily be required that you to go out of your way to brighten the day of those around you , that 's not your responsibility . You don 't have to be excessively nice , that would actually be rather annoying . But it should be required that you put forth an effort not to ruin the day of others . This includes being courteous to strangers instead of yelling and cursing at them . CleanlinessSniff your pits before you leave the house . Are they fresh ? Good ! Proceed to your activity for the day . How do your clothes smell ? Like an April breeze ? Great , the grocery store is calling you . Have you brushed your teeth today ? How about your hair ? Everything in order ? Wonderful ! You have passed the cleanliness test ! Continue about your normal business . ClothingPants are required . No exceptions . You should also be wearing a shirt . If you are wearing a sweatshirt , then it should have a t - shirt underneath . Don 't approach me with your sagging pants and bare - chested sweatshirt and ask me for help . It 's distracting . And not in a sexy way . Also , while proper foundational garments are required , you get bonus points if I can 't see see them , and some people need bonus points . If you keep these simple guidelines posted by your front door you should be fine . I reserve the right to make fun of you if you don 't follow my rules . If you have any questions , feel free to ask . If you have any suggestions , feel free to comment ! The title of our blog is suitably accurate for my first blog post . For some reason , an uncharacteristically high percentage of our adventures involve rodents . I 'll tell you the story of my sister 's mouse sometime ( because I know she certainly won 't ! ) but for now , you 're going to hear about my opossum . Several days ago , I returned home late in the evening to find that my garage door was about 1 / 4 open . That 's not an unusual occurrence because my garage door opener is roughly 30 years old and performs about the way you would expect an appliance of that age to operate . I saw that there was a cat lurking nearby , but I just hoped it had not been there long enough to make itself at home . I thought nothing more of the incident until a couple days later when I noticed some . . . evidence . . . on my garage floor . I blamed the long absent cat and swept the floor . Then , the next day , I came home late again and thought I noticed some scurrying in the back corner of my garage . I thought it might just be shadows , but I had to check just out of curiosity . Sure enough . . . there was something furry back there ! I have a metal rack with several shelves and there is a box of oak flooring planks on the bottom shelf . I looked back there and saw something furry disappear into the box and thought , " a kitten ! That cat had babies in here ! " and almost reached for the cute , furry little kitty . . . until it occurred to me that a three day old kitten wouldn 't be big enough to run around yet , especially if its mother had been gone for three days . I pulled back my hand and went to grab a flashlight . The light of my flashlight revealed not an adorable kitty , but a significantly less adorable opossum . Still cuter than a badger , but not something I would like to host as a permanent resident in my garage . I had to figure out how to get rid of the rodent without touching it , so I gently pushed the box off the shelf and onto the floor where there was plenty of room to work . Then , I used a yardstick to carefully push open each flap of the box . When I finally had thPosted by Friends , Family , and Random Lurkers , It all started with a puzzle and a dream . We were hanging out at Lisa 's house , and as her house is very unentertaining , we were doing our best to assemble a jigsaw puzzle ( a picture of an air show , if you 're interested ) . As we were sorting and connecting pieces , we decided this would be a very entertaining blog topic . At the very least , it could be a blog topic - even if we were the only ones who thought it was entertaining . It all erupted from there . As most people know about us , we are obsessive planners . We came up with plans and a system ; themes and ideas . Now we just have to wait and see if our system works . We hope you enjoy our Lame Adventures ! Lisa and Julie
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So we saw this darling pin on pinterest a few weeks ago . yes friends I know I have a problem ! Well , we decided to do it and send it to my mom and braydon 's mom . It 's a hug . So we got red paint and did sawyer 's hand prints and then put a red ribbon attached to each side . It really is so adorable . My mom sent us a picture of her " hug " around her neck ! Sawyer also decided to paint my dad and braydon 's dad a picture and send it to their work . This is us facetiming my dad and him showing us the painting hanging up at work . He is quite the artist huh ? Sawyer just loves to help me cook ! Everyone morning he wants to help me make breakfast mostly waffles , but he loves to cook eggs too . Lunch he doesn 't really participate in I guess lunch is the least fun ! Dinner he is always in the kitchen with me the entire time . If I don 't have the chair ready he lets me know it 's time for dinner and to " grab it " This was the first time he helped me make cookies . He thought it was " Deeeeeelicious " he is also obsessed with play dough , crayons , and paint . if we don 't do one of these things i 'm in trouble . Sawyer has been interested in the big boy potty for a really long time . He always would tell me he was going and that he wanted a new diaper . So we thought after Christmas we would just introduce him to the big potty and see what happened because i really wasn 't sure if he was ready . It has been going pretty well . I still think most kids potty train quickly easily but we kind of aren 't pushing it and he tells us when he needs to go . At first he was just telling us he needed to go and we would run to the toilet and he would just sit there for a while do nothing and say " all done " So for a few days we just made it a really big deal even if he didn 't go and cheer every time we went on the potty . We sat him down and told him if he went pee pee he could have a treat and if he went poop he could have a present . So Monday he actually started telling us he had to go and would actually go ! ! So he got treats and he liked that so now he is doing it all day . He either goes naked during the day because he takes of his diaper or he wears his underware . We have had one accident ! Tonight was the first night that he has acutally gone poop ! We were pretty excited and he got his present so he was soooo happy . It may take us longer then other kids and i 'm ok with it . We don 't want to freak out our sensitive child . So this is kinda sick sorry , but he took his cookie in the bathroom because he can no get on and off the toilet by himself YAY ! ! So I followed him in and he had his toy and a cookie whileHaskell 's Sawyer is feeling so much better . His little body is still a little bruised , but is healing . You can see that his little black eyes are almost gone ! Thanks for all the prayers on his behalf . We sure appreciate it ! He is obsessed with wearing his dads stuff . Mostly his dads hats ! He has to wear one everyday . I love his laugh ! it 's so fun and contagious ! Give us a Shout out ! Sawyer was laying in bed last night talking to himself and all the toys he had in there with him . . . ironman ( which our darling friend lauren gave to him for his birthday . . . thanks lala he loves it ! ! ) 3 spidermans , woody , buzz and many more . This is the conversation he had Sawyer - " buzz are you hungry ? ok ! what do you want ? applesause , nuggies , and french fries ? i like it too ! lets do it . fold your arms . MAMA ! ! ( yelling ) buzz no fold arms " Then I thought to myself this is the exact conversation I had with him at lunch today . So we decided it was time to get rid of the Binky . Obviously we picked a horrible time . . . it 's pretty much a horrible time whenever you change the life a your child I think and lets face it the Binky is one of Sawyer 's favorite things in the whole world . I was really scared because he is already such a bad sleeper that it would just make things that much worse . . . but how much worse could they get ? So we were all in our bed watching kung fu panda one night and Braydon and I looked at each other and said lets do it tonight . cold turkey lets just get rid of it . Well , we have talked about ways to get rid of it . Like putting it on a balloon and sending it in the air , or having him just take it to our big dumpster and throw it away , we have cut the Binky and he still doesn 't care , we put a hole in it and he doesn 't care . So we decided to pack him up put him in the car and take him to target to let him pick out a toy . we told him on the way there that he had to give his Binky to pay for his toy . We kept repeating it over and over on the drive over so he understood . he was so excited because he was going to get a buzz or an iron man . so we got there he started running where he thought the toys were . So we got to the isle of the toy story characters . He was so excited . He saw all the fun characters , woody , buzz , bulls eye , Mr . pork chop , and Rex ( his favorites ) He already has a woody so we told him maybe a buzz , but he could really pick whatever he wanted . So he picked a buzz and off to checkout to pay for his buzz with his Binky . We took the Binky off his shirt and he carried it to the lady . The lady had his buzz and waiting for him to pay . He handed her his Binky and said " bye Binky love you much " and we left . He has asked about it only at night because he has been sick , but we have not given in . He now knows when he wants it and asks for it he says " Binky for buzz " We will see how it goes , but I think he will soon forget about it beloved Binky ! So one of our sweet friends from our ward saw my blog post about sawyers hives and said that her daughter had the same thing two years ago , but it was actual not hives but something called erythema multiforme . Well , Sawyer 's feet were still pretty swollen yesterday and he was unable to even walk or stand up because it hurt him so bad . So we decided we would get a second opinion . Sure enough sawyer doesn 't have hives he has erythema multiforme . Luckily he was on oral steriods and it 's starting to improve . This caused in children and adults after a severe viral infection . it 's not very common , but it can either be caused by medication or just by the immune system being compromised . So it is very similar to hives in how it comes about , but if un treated can be pretty bad . We are so thankful for all the calls , text , and prayers on behalf of our little boy ! We are on the mend and feeling pretty dang good about it ! So yesterday was just like any typical saturday . Braydon went to study and Sawyer and I got up and of course he wanted waffles and strawberries . . . his favorite lately . So around 10 : 45 I changed his bum and he had a little rash that just looked like his diaper might have been irritating him a little bit . So i put a little cream on it and really didn 't think anything else of it . Well , I changed him a little while later and the rash had gotten bigger and went to the other side of his leg . So I called braydon while studying and he just said keep an eye on it . well 12 : 30 came around and he had pooped so i went to change him and the rash had turned into small penny shaped circles that were lifted off the skin and so I decided to take his clothes off and check him . he had small dots and some penny sized dots on his chest and back . At this point I had a little bit of a melt down because we both have been sick for two weeks and things just haven 't really been looking up . And now he has this rash . So I thought maybe chicken pox , but at the same time it didn 't really look like chicken pox , but it was certainly possible because his little immune system has been so compromised lately . Obviously our pediatrician wasn 't open anymore so we took him to insta care . They did a strep test and checked his oxygen level all normal . the doctor came in and gave him a good exam and said he has hives . he asked the typical questions has he had a fever . . . yes five days ago of 105 almost had to be hospitialized . has he been on medication ? Yes albuterol , a prescription cough syrup , and amoxicillin for his double ear infection . has he been on amoxicillin before ? yes no reaction . have you tried new foods ? no have you been anywhere outside ? no we have been in our house for a week and a half . The doctor said because he has had rsv and his immune system isn 't very strong that it could be caused by anything . REALLY ? how crappy do I feel that something i did or didn 't do caused my son to have this horrible hive outbreak . So he put sawyer on a prescriwhen we got up in the morning . . . so much worse poor guy just wants to lay down because it hurts to move . He walks on his heels because he has hives on his feet , ankles , and toes and it 's hard to walk . Some of the hives are healing and they are turning into bruises . The bruises were the first hives i noticed He made himself a bed on the living room floor because it hurts to climb on the couch . He also lays with his arms up because it hurts to have them down because he gets hot . Get better soon buddy ! We love you so much : ) I had to document the sweet event I witnessed tonight . Some might say I am a little odd because I had a melt my heart experience watching my sweet son tonight . We were playing with his toys after an intense painting session and he grabbed his panguin ( his name is Pablo after one of his favorite shows the Backyardagains ) and said " mama Pablo 's tired I put him in my bed . " so I said ya buddy that is a good idea . I don 't really think to much of this because you wouldn 't believe what this kid puts in his bed or how much stuff is in there sometimes . About ten minutes later while we were playing with his trains and animals he got the most worried look on his face and said " mama pablos 's crying , I get him . " he left the living room so fast and grabbed Pablo . When he can back he had Pablo is a blanket wrapped tightly and was swaying back and forth and said " I hold him and love him . . . He stop crying . " apparently that sweet gesture didn 't work because Pablo was still crying . So sawyer decideded to feed him and give him a bottle . That worked and we went back to playing . Again , about ten minutes later he said " oh no he 's cryin , I get him mama ! " so back into his room he went and he came back with him wrapped up again . " mama he need a diaper " so we changed Pablo and he was good as new sawyer rocked him for a bit and put him back to bed because " hes tired " I honestly don 't know where he learned this maybe from watching me with the younger kids during our baby swap , but it was really sweet to watch him care for Pablo and be really concerned for him . Maybe he will love his little brother this much too ? Here 's to hopIng but for now he will just be my sweet boy to all his little animal friends ! Playing on the leappad sunshine got you . He has made so many drawings already we had to delete them and start over ! He loves it and calls it " my puter " Hiding from the doctor ! Braydon 's grandma made this cowboy bib for sawyer . He loves it . He tries to wear it to church with his cowboy boots . at another doctors office ! ! Poor kid can 't catch a break We had a tornado warning on tuesday . Of course braydon was at school and it was freezing outside . So i put a million layers on sawyer incase we had to go camp out in our shed ! Going through the tunnel We have been inside for the last week and half because the doctor said sawyer shouldn 't go around other kids for a least a week . So we have to find fun projects to do . Coloring , painting , and playdough are top on his list right now . Sick little boy ! I feel so bad for him . He still is sick , but definately not as bad . we bought this tent for his birthday . He loves it ! Today he decided to get pillows and daddy 's blanket and make a bed inside . He wanted me to tie up the flap so he could watch toy story while being comfy ! Braydon 's mom bought him this monkey sweat suit . He loves to pretend he is a monkey . . . all the time ! Sawyer and Braydon . . . doing what they do best . Sleeping together ! Sawyer has always been a really bad sleeper . Somoene help us before his brother gets here ! ! So lately braydon comes home from school and they fall asleep together on the couch because they are both so tired from sleepless nights . Sawyer sure loves his daddy and daddy sure loves sawyer ! Can you tell we love spiderman ? if you look you can see he is holding 2 out of the many spiderman toys we have at this house . He asks everyday and ever night if he can wear his spiderman jammies . They are starting to fade in color because I have to wash them so much because he only wants to wear spiderman . You better look into a bigger size mom ! ! ha ha just kidding . Give us a Shout out ! Happy birthday Buddy ! Even though you were really sick 105 fever and three medications , we still got that million dollar smile from you and you tried so hard to enjoy your birthday . You were sad your friends didn 't come over , but it was fun just having a little birthday party with just us three . Your dad even sang out loud to you ! happy birthday little boy ! You are 2 ! ! ! Bestfriends . . . they share a birthday . There is no one better then sharing your birthday with your sunshine ! happy birthday mom / sunshine . We love you so much : ) I have a little ache in my heart tonight . Tomorrow my little baby boy is going to be 2 ! ! We had a fun little party planned , but unfortunately Sawyer has RSV and is pretty sick . We all seems to have a different bug in this house . Braydon has the common cold . I have strep and bronchitis . So we are all medicated at the Haskell house . So I cancelled his party today after the doctor said to steer clear of people for a week because he is really contagious . He won 't notice , but it made me feel pretty sad . So we will do something fun tomorrow with just our little sicko family of three . Sawyer has always been so sweet and sensitive . He has the most tender heart , but sometimes he forgets it . : ) he is kinda like his mama . . . so my dad says . He is a little man now and it makes me so excited , but so sad . We have so much fun together . He lights up our whole world . He is just magic ! Although , some days we have the terrible two in our house he just melts our hearts . He may not sleep , eat well , mind all the time , or wear socks , but he is mine and he is smart , funny , handsome , so tender , and he is ours . We are so grateful that he picked us to be his parents . Life would be so dull without him a part of it . Anyone who is around him just falls in love with him . I know most parents feel that their kid is the best and I believe that . Their child is the best , but mine is too . He is just the best . I can 't believe he is so big already and that is going to be an older brother . We truly have enjoyed our time with just our little guy , but we are thrilled for the future . He is going to make a great older brother . He will provide torture and love ! Happy birthday tomorrow our sweet boy ! You make our world brighter ! ! Braydon 's mom sent him some birthday presents . . . braydon let him open one early ! Our friend " lala " invited us to long run park to play and feed the ducks . i didn 't get a good picture of sawyer and shep , but the one of him and george waiting for the ducks to come is so cute Playing playdough with daddy and mommy for family night . He plays everday now ! So tired ! ! ! Happy new year from kentucky to all our friends and family ! We love you and hope this year brings you everything you want and more ! I am pretty excited and scared for 2012 . We will have our second baby boy in a few months and we are soooo excited , but it 's a little freaky for a lot of reasons . We are super hopeful that we will be ok at it . We had a great party at our friend kolby and jessy 's house . . . i don 't have any pictures from it though . We each brought an appitizer and then we played the newlywed game . It was such a fun party . then we went home for a bit got in some comfy clothes and went to another party at the hall 's house . Melissa decorated it so cute and had hats and confetti poppers for everyone . Sawyer had it by about 10 : 30 but you know we stayed . . . . against my better judgment though i haven 't had the easiest time adjusting back to kentucky time and that i am no longer with my family . bring it on 2012 ! ! ! We had the best time in utah . Sawyer and I went a week early because bradyon had finals and we just couldn 't wait that long so we said see ya to daddy and headed home ! Sawyer did really well on the plane rides . He just wanted to talk to everyone . As soon as we landed in Utah he screamed " I excited . . . sunshine 's house " we were on the back of the plane and he kept telling everyone to move and hurry so we could get off the plane . My mom , dad , sister and brother jon all came to the airport to greet us . . . well greet sawyer . he went off running to them as soon as he saw them . He got slowed down a little when his pants fell to his ancles . the sweetest thing was when he started to cry because he was so happy . He kept hugging my mom and and dad and kept saying " I so happy " We went home and my crazy son didn 't nap all day and was go go go until about midnight utah time which was 2 am kentucky time . that is pretty much how everyday went unless I layed down with him . We did a lot of hanging out , seeing movies , and just enjoying being home . We went and picked braydon up from the airport and sawyer and I waited outside and he kept yelling to people walking out " daddy I here " and as soon as he saw his daddy he ran as fast as he could to him and started to cry because my sensitive boy is just like his mama ! ! The 23rd we went to my grandma 's house " gg " as sawyer calls her . It is always a highlight of christmas for me . I love getting together with family . My grandma is so generous and kind . I can 't even express my gratitude for all she gives to all of her grandchildren . christmas eve we went to dinner at my grandpa 's house . It is still so weird without my grammy . It is still such a blast to see my cousins though . We missed those who were at in laws though . . . don 't think about doing that again : ) Christmas was so fun we went up to braydon 's parents house and opened presents . Sawyer is in love with the track / table they got for him . . . they had it shipped here and he plays with it all the time . Then we opened presents at my parents hoGive us a Shout out !
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Ten miles is not very far . In terms of endurance , 10 miles is barely a conditioning ride . Heather and I will do 10 miles of road riding on a Sunday morning and barely blink an eye . I knew this on some level . I did the LD at Elbe last year , and it was a hair - raising , white - knuckle , all - out RACE over some very gnarly trails . And even at that speed Laura and I barely completed in time . That memory is what led me to recommend to Heather that we might not want to take our not - very - fit , new - to - endurance horses into Elbe with a competition mindset . Also , we might not want to do 25 yet . Another rider likened the course to slalom skiing on horseback , and I have to agree . I didn 't bring a camera on the trail . I don 't know why not . It would have been good to get some pictures of the terrifying single - track switchbacks up a sheer mountainside . The perfectly clear view of Mt . Rainier was pretty incredible , too . We had very few horse incidents to speak of , in spite of the difficulty of the trails . Both horses found one particular log too suspicious to go by ( even with aggressive persuasion ) , so I got down and walked Blue past it as Bunny worried along behind with Heather still aboard . Blue also had a few moments of wanting to turn tail for camp , but he was so disoriented that he kept getting himself pointed in the exactly wrong compass direction . Hopefully he will learn that , in endurance riding , the way back to camp is always FORWARD . The only other little hiccup was a water crossing . Bunny is so sensible these days that it is easy to forget that her first week at Heather 's she wasn 't 100 percent sure that grass was a safe surface . Fraser Downs was her entire world before this , and I don 't think there are a lot of rocky creek crossings on the track . Blue and I chugged across it , and Heather ended up leading Bunny across after all other ideas failed . Anyway , she made it . Once we were back down on level ground , Blue recognized the trail and picked up speed . Like , a lot of speed . We zoomed through the smooth dirt trails back toward camp , but pulled up short at an odd sight : Two saddle pads were laying beside the trail not far apart . One was a Skito , heavy with sweat , and the other was another expensive brand - a Gaston Mercier maybe ? We debated picking them up , but in the end decided we didn 't need the extra bulk on board , and anyway , someone may have left them there to switch out later . We didn 't want anyone to think that we stole them . The last quarter mile into camp , Blue was very upset by the sound of horses calling through the trees . He couldn 't see them , but they sounded very close . He clearly didn 't know what to make of it . Suddenly , the forest cleared , and there was Heather 's mom with the camera - we survived the hardest 10 miles I 've ever ridden ! Funny thing : When we got back to camp there was no vet there waiting for us . Nor an in - timer . Nor any " official " Elbe Hills volunteers . The staging area was completely deserted except for Dean Hoalst , who had taken a rider option early in the 50 and was waiting for someone to check his horse . We all got to wait a good long while . . . [ Stay tuned for our exciting conclusion . . . ] Posted by hrung . . . hrunggg . . . HRUNNNGGBRRRRRRRMMMMMMGGGGGG ! ! ! ! That is the sound of the generators starting up . I don 't know why I bother with an alarm clock , especially at forested rides where the roar echoes through the clearing like a herd of dinosaurs at 5 a . m . Heather , Laurie and I were all on our feet and under way soon after . There were people and animals to feed , nerves to calm , stretches to be done . Laurie is already getting a reputation for being a late starter , so I should have been watching the clock for her . It was 5 : 35 , and Otto still wasn 't tacked . At 6 , Laurie hoisted herself in the saddle , then jumped down to make a few last - minute tack adjustments , and then , with our urging , actually mounted up and headed down to the ( by then deserted ) starting line . After mild bucking and rearing shenanigans , Otto was persuaded to start the ride . They were about 10 minutes behind the last horse . We would not see them again for eight hours . Back to the campsite to start our own days . For me , being up as early as I was meant that I could take a leisurely approach to wrapping Blue 's bad foot and tacking up . Heather had a baby to feed , so her routine was somewhat more hurried , I suppose . Frankly at that stage I 'm pretty well in the zone . You have to say my name a few times to get my attention . I took Blue down to watch the start of the LD . It was a bit of an anticlimax . There were fewer than 20 riders , and they came to the start in dribs and drabs . There was no cavalry charge , which was what I really wanted Blue to see . Disappointed at the missed training opportunity , I mounted up , and Heather 's mom took pictures . She got lots of us in camp and sort of milling around the start area . It was nice to be riding a horse who didn 't consider the starting line his own private rodeo arena . We walked in sensible circles and kept it low - key . Laurie , Otto 's new owner , had agreed to haul our horses ( and my fat butt ) the five - plus hours over White Pass . We got a very late start because of some drama she 's having getting her new property fenced . Luckily , Heather , Heather 's mom and the baby had hit the road a couple hours before , knowing that they 'd make more stops because of the infant - and also because I had warned them about the limited number of campsites . Laurie and I got the ponies loaded up shortly after noon and burned rubber toward Yakima . We were still in the greater Prosser - Mabton - Sunnyside metroplex when we got a call from Heather : White Pass was under construction , with one - way traffic and up to two - hour delays . She and her mom had elected to take Chinook Pass instead ( though they were calling us from the base and hadn 't actually gotten into the pass yet ) . Heather just wanted to give us a heads - up so we had time to make an informed decision . Well , semi - informed anyway . The last time I went through Chinook was 1999 or something , and it was foggy both in reality and in my memory . I couldn 't remember if it was trailer - friendly or not . Laurie didn 't know either . But on our side is the fact that she has done some commercial hauling and believed that she could take a trailer anywhere she could take a car . We decided it would be better to take a chance on Chinook than to sit with the horses for hours in 100 - degree heat at the base of White Pass . Personally , I think the scenery was worth a few hairpin turns and some long stretches of steep up - and - down . ( But then , I wasn 't driving . ) Also , when we reconnected with the White Pass road near Packwood , we saw a long line of cars backed up down the highway - Yay ! We made the right choice ! During the course of this little adventure , I had been studying a state road map and found a seasonal road that went from Packwood to Ashford - a road that might cut 20 miles off our drive . A very nice man at a gas station in Packwood confirmed that the road was indeed paved and trailer - worthy . And we found as we drove it that the scenery was just a bonus . It was basically lined with camping areas the entire way . Gorgeous forest and mountain streams . We rolled into camp in fading evening light to find the tents already set up at a primo spot right next to the registration table , across the road from the meeting shelter . I have to admit , this location made me a little giddy . Not only that , but our fellow Walla Wallite , Dean Hoalst , was coincidentally in the same area and had arrived not long before us . Team Walla all vetted in together as the last rays of daylight filtered through the trees . I skipped most of the ride meeting in order to set up my camping accommodations , but I heard it was short and well - run . I more or less collapsed onto my air mattress and proceeded to my customary eight hours of tossing and turning prior to a ride . The facts - that we were going only a short distance , we weren 't competing , and I didn 't have to ride naughty Otto - didn 't help my pre - ride nerves as much as you might expect . Posted by Otto is the uppercase version . He has his own ideas about where he wants to go and what he wants to do - and he doesn 't care if you come along or not . In fact , I think if it were up to him , he 'd rather go alone . Blue is the lowercase version , which I much prefer . If he has one behavioral fault , it is a tendency toward barn - sourness . He isn 't particularly concerned about being away from the other horses , but he does want to turn toward home whenever there 's an opportunity to do so . Case in point , Heather and I went for a short ride on Monday night . Bunny again proved her worth by being fearless and unflappable . Blue , on the other hand , had a couple of fits about being taken away from The Pen . As we come out of the tree farm , we have the choice of turning right to cross the bridge and go up the hill to home or turning left to go up the hill past the firing range . I gave Blue every possible cue for left , which he interpreted as " speed up and make a sharp right . " D ' oh ! Bunny , ever the angel , headed left without him . He didn 't care what she did . He was making a beeline for the bridge . I pulled him around in a variety of tight circles , backs and spins before I finally got him turned back toward Bunny and the firing range . He was huffy and mad , but I kept my hands light and spurs ready . He went forward begrudgingly at best . If he was a toddler he would have been stomping along with his arms crossed . Unlike Otto , he never tried a buck or a rear . Yes , he was a butthead , but he was a manageable butthead . Later we were trotting downhill in the wheat stubble . I saw there was a deep cut at the bottom ( basically an 8 - inch - deep hole across our path , semi - obscured by loose straw ) . I tried to slow Blue down so he would see this hole . His opinion was that perhaps we should go faster . Yes , we got a lovely canter out of the experience , but I didn 't care for the attitude , thank you very much . On the way back , I kept making him turn and do circles away from home . Again , tons of resistance , but no dangerous behavior . Just stubborn and crotchety . Bunny walked along quietly , basically ignoring his childish antics , as I forced him to turn and weave and pay attention . With Bunny headed toward home , I turned Blue back out in the opposite direction . After a long battle , I got him to take three steps in the " away from home " direction and then halt without spinning . I decided that was enough of a victory , and we again turned toward home and caught up to Little Miss Perfect , who was lolloping along as if none of this nonsense were taking place . When we got back to the trailer , Heather tied Bunny up and started untacking her . I decided I wanted to make Blue walk away from the trailer before we quit . I needed to be sure that stopping for the night was my decision , not his . Another battle of tight turns and backing ensued . He was coming dangerously close to running into one of the cars or my truck , so I relented a tiny bit . I dismounted . I dismounted just long enough to jog him over to the arena . If he thought he was done with working for the night , I was going to prove him wrong , dagnabbit . We did hard arena work for 20 minutes before he decided I was in charge . Circles , serpentines , sliding stops , rollbacks , sidepass , walk , trot , canter , halt , faster , slower , spiral . Had enough yet , Mr . Blue ? In the end , I WON . With Otto , it felt like I was never winning . With Blue , on Monday , I won . I know I won on Monday because on Tuesday he was the softest and most responsive he 's ever been . He had canter transitions to die for . He wasn 't exactly happy to see me , but he was unusually respectful . So the plan going forward is to work very hard at home until he begs to go somewhere else . It is so crazy , it just might work . We 're doing things on my terms , buddy . I AM the boss mare . PS : We 'll be at Elbe . Laurie offered to haul the horses , so my cost is cut nearly in half . For that , it is worth the effort to introduce Blue to life in camp . Thank you , Laurie ! Ernie , Dean , Bob , and a rotating cast of occasional cowboy riders all hail from the valley and all ride like their shoes are on fire . I think this is a guy thing . I get competitive at rides , but there are limits . Farthest , fastest and best aren 't really in my endurance vocabulary . . . yet . The slowness was necessary for a couple of reasons . First and foremost , Blue 's fitness level doesn 't even register . He is breathless after only a few minutes of lunge work . Also , this was Bunny 's first trip out into the wide world riding with a group . Bunny was an absolute trouper the entire time . Hurray for Team Sensible ! She put up with Otto 's occasional bucking grumpiness and Justin 's romantic attention with only the minimum of cranky mare ears . Mostly she was the lop - eared lady she always is at home . I 'm really happy that Heather decided to get her ! With Blue 's rapid return to soundness , a trail ride at Elbe is again possible . Now the question comes down to money : Is it worth the fuel cost to give Blue the experience of camping and vet checks , or would this money be better spent erasing his medical costs from my credit card ? Hmmmm . . . You want to know why I love this horse ? Here 's why : After more than a month of no riding - three weeks of which was 24 - hour stall confinement - he wasn 't a lunatic . This afternoon , I just got on and rode . No drama . MONDAY Imagine , if you will , a job that allows you to spend all day petting horses . For each horse you pet , you receive a minimum of $ 75 . You also get to travel around the country giving clinics … and you have a book deal . Basically , you are living a life that I didn 't know was possible . A couple years ago , Mike gave a presentation to the members of the Blue Mountain Riders , a local club for women of a certain age . I am not of that age , but I was a member of the club at the time . One of the ladies brought her horse for Mike to demonstrate on , and I watched withrapt attention as he took that old , sway - backed paint through a series of moves - applying and releasing pressure , bending and straightening , tensing and relaxing . What impressed me was the way the horse changed shape . By the end of the meeting , ol ' paint 's sway back was almost level , he was relaxed ( in spite of 50 - some women poking , prodding and asking questions ) , and he was a lot more willing to bend than he was at the beginning . I was impressed . I took Mike 's card and filed him away for future reference . Yes , I was impressed , but my horse wasn 't showing any signs of pain or difficulty performing . And , let 's face it , I 'm not made of money . Fast forward to April 2010 . Otto started the LD at MRRT dead last . The night before , he had seemed a little off . Not lame , but just out of sorts - not himself at all . I should have taken the hint and scratched , but I had my eye on an end - of - year award . So we started last and at a walk . Otto was still out of sorts , but I attributed that to me not letting him have his way and go tearing down the gravel road at a dead run . But then something happened that had never happened before . I asked for a trot and didn 't get it . I got perhaps two or three strides , then he completely fell apart - hard pace , singlefoot , back to walk . We did this a couple times , and I though I 'd see if he would canter . Again , a couple strides , then a stumble and a wobble . I dismounted and checked his feet . Clean and normal . I got back on and asked again - refusal . By now we were far , far behind the pack . And , since MRRT is an out - and - back ride , the leaders were beginning to pass us going the other way . I got down and walked him the remaining 4 miles into the checkpoint , where we caught a trailer ride back to camp . Back home after a few days of rest , I free - lunged him in our round pen . Even at liberty he was struggling to maintain ANY gait consistently in either direction . I was simultaneously irritated and worried ( my default feelings about a horse that can 't perform ) . So I dug out the business card and emailed Mike . He came out early on the following Sunday morning . It was clear and cold and very windy , but he worked away at Otto , bending , stretching and pulling . Hepointed out the sore spots to me , made a few suggestions about positioning the saddle and myself , showed me where to pay extra attention during grooming , and went on his way . Otto was a bit better , but not a new horse by any means . We spent several more weeks rehabbing and building him up with lateral work and riding the " bad " diagonal . Eventually , Otto got better . I couldn 't say that Mike made THE difference , but I think he made at least SOME difference . I walked away from that whole experience more interested in equine body work . It got me interested in Linda Tellington and April Battles . It got me to pay more attention to warming up and stretching horse AND rider . It wasn 't a complete waste of time . But I filed Mike away again . I am not made of money , after all . Fast - forward again . Blue just spent three weeks basically immobile and with one leg a good two inches longer than the others . Before that he had world - class dental problems that put a lot of stress on his TMJ , which put a lot of stress on the cervical vertebrae , which … well , you know , it 's all connected . So if ever there were a situation that called for horse massage , this weekend was it . Again , I emailed Mike . And again he was happy to come out and see my sorry excuse for an endurance partner . Actually , he said only nice things about mustangs in general and Blue in particular . And what did he find ? Atlas / axis was a mess . He asked Blue for a stretch upwards and got a lot of tail wringing . Down the neck , nothing major . Surprisingly flexible , even . Withers , perfectly balanced . Perfect . No soreness in the hollows behind them ( I credit the Supracor for our MUCH - improved saddle fit ) . Mid - back , all normal reactions . No rib soreness . But then came the low - back . EXTREME reaction . As soon as Mike applied pressure above and slightly behind the loin , Blue 's front foot on the opposite side shot forward as if to paw the air , his head jerked up and he audibly gasped . Have you ever heard a horse gasp ? ! Blue was very bony when I got him , but three weeks of nothing but eating and standing has pretty well filled him in - except for this one spot at the top of his croup . In theory , this point is behind the S - I joint ( fused at his age ) , above maybe the second or third sacral vertebra . Too far back to be a hunter bump , I think . If you want to get crazy technical , this would probably be the point where the gluteal fascia overlap the superficial gluteals . And it is a point in the literal sense - a very obvious high spot along an otherwise smooth expanse of croup . Mike had noted it when he first arrived , but reserved judgement until he got there in his treatment . This is where things got weird . So there is pain in the muscles in front of the bump . The bump itself is nonreactive . Lateral movement of the hindquarters was the next manipulation . Basically , Mike just gently shoved Blue 's hindquarters over . Not enough to make him step , but enough to rock him . Lo and behold , a pop . Both directions , a soft little pop . Repeated movements didn 't make the sound stop . And the sound seemed deeper inside him than the vertebrae . Which makes no sense because the only other bone in that area is the pelvis … and the pelvis is not made up of moving pieces . So now we have a mystery on our hands . Mike says that structurally he can 't think of a reason that you would get that sound in that place repeatedly . He says I should bring it up with the vet next time I 'm in . In the meantime he worked and worked on Blue 's hindquarters and showed me a little routine to add to my grooming to continue to work the sore points . By the time the session was over , Blue was a much rounder horse than we started with . No more slouch - his whole topline was extended , yet he looked relaxed and happy . The tilt of his pelvis changed . The tension in the throatlatch was gone . I 'm totally amazed what a difference an hour of bodywork made . Plus , Mike is coming back in a week to do a quick follow up and check the hindquarters again . In the meantime , I 'm supposed to observe the beast closely , looking for unusual behavior . Will he roll more or less ? Is his movement different ? The only thing I noticed last night is that he put his entire muzzle into his evening slop . He had senior feed particles literally up to his eyeballs . I will make a note of it . : ) Today the farrier came . I unwrapped the dressing from Blue 's foot . . . and a miracle had occurred . The wound is closed . Not just more closed , but actually completely closed . It is a smooth expanse of thick , pink skin . No proud flesh at all . The tiniest of scabs on one side . So that 's the plan . Tomorrow after work , we 'll try some low - key walk - trot time in the arena . If all is well , we will ramp things up this weekend . The vet says it looks very nice . The edges are clean and it is closing . She is pleased . I should be pleased . BUT ( she then says , dashing all my hopes ) , he will need at least two more weeks of vetwrap bandaging and NO RIDING . Boo . That pretty much puts Elbe Hills out of the question . It also means the plan that Heather and I had for riding tomorrow afternoon is up in the air . Quincy has been on a regimen of anti - inflammatories almost as long as Blue has been in the cast , but he remains lame most days to varying degrees . The vet suspects arthritic changes , though they came on so fast there 's no way to know for sure what going on . When I set out to sell Otto , I wrote a fairly long , detailed ad . If you 're on the PNER yahoo list , you probably saw it . Contrary to old - time horse trading practice , I tried to be honest about him : He has great ground manners , but he can be unsure of himself under saddle . He is nimble as a mountain goat but bullheaded as a … bull . He is 7 years old physically but immature mentally . And , oh yeah , he was born to do endurance . Funny to me that his buyer had never done an endurance ride . He is not the kind of horse I would recommend learning on . But there you have it . Laurie had liked the looks of him from the first time she saw him . The fact that the first time she saw him was about a week after I bought him is just icing on the cake . [ There is something that I should acknowledge before we go any further : I realize that most of what is " wrong " with Otto is a direct reflection of shortcomings in my riding . Some was nature and a lot was nurture . On the nature side is his hot , high - spirited breeding , his intelligence , his quirk bump ( if you subscribe to TTEAM horse phrenology ) and his tenacity when it comes to testing behavior . On the nurture side was my over - reliance on my hands . Bad hands make bad horses , folks . ] Laurie took him on a trial , and loved him . She would leave me messages or send emails about his hair - raising behavior : tantrums both going in and coming out of the arena , choosing his own trail with no regards for her hands or seat ( this is a horse who is happy to run headlong even when his nose is touching your knee ) , calling to every horse he saw , hollowing out , snatching the bit , kicking , bucking , rearing and flat out refusing to do circles and figure - eights … seriously . But at the end of the message she 'd always tell me that she loved him . Between her , Ernie , Annie , and Heather 's sister , Hope , I 've come to accept that some people just like difficult , high - energy horses . They find exhilaration in what I find exhausting . So back to my suspicions . Last week I got an email from Laurie that proved to me that Otto really was the endurance wunderkind I 'd suspected . She told me : Now , I already knew that Otto came with a " search and destroy " feature . He hand - galloped 20 of the 25 miles of Mt . Adams last year for that very reason … and also because I couldn 't stop him . ( See above , haha . ) What I did not know , but suspected , was that the longer distance would give him more opportunity to catch up . The problem with a 25 - mile ride is that ( duh ) you only have 25 miles to work with . A winning ride time at a PNER LD in the mountains is usually just under three hours . If you 're 30 minutes behind the last rider , there just isn 't time to do anything about it . At 50 miles , a slightly above - average pace means something . : ) So anyway , I 'm proud of Otto for finishing a 50 and proud of Laurie for surviving at any distance , especially a 50 . I 'm a little sad that I didn 't get to be the one to bring out Otto 's full suspected potential . On the other hand , part of me is relieved that I am not the one riding him through the tantrums anymore .
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Smorgasboard is another word for leftovers … It is a way of creativemixing all the boxes or bags of food you put in the refrigerator for yourhusband to eat for lunch and he didn 't … so now he gets all of them inone meal … Chef 's Surprise , brought terror to my children faces , and still does for myhusband . It was not having a clue of what to make , so you make up something that none of you have ever ate before . . Freezer Roulette means picking unknown items in the freezer . You know the stuff you put in the container or bag , but now you can 't figure out what it is , so you have to thaw it out so you can recognize it once again . . and then force to sosomething with it … or throw it away … of course , your husband is opting for the throw it away . . But one time it was something he put in , that I could not figure out what it was . . so I made something with it . . turn out to be a grouse that he was saving . Saving for what . . the second coming ? Why is it we think we will eat some of this stuff that we put in the freezer ? After all if we had it in the refrigerator for a couple days , and no one eats it … what makes us think we will eat it a month or so , when we look thru all the containers ? Of course , desserts don 't count . . they are good in any form , or later … So what is your terms for your food that brings terror to your families faces ? Those of us over the age of 65 have been overwhelmed withmail for the past 3 months … and thankfully it will endnext week on the 7th of December … No , I am not talking about Christmas charities , which isalso heavy in the mail . What I am referring to is the SupplementInsurance offers . Some of them are so deceptive . I have hadsome that come looking like it is from Social Security itself . A lot of them have AARP on them . But there are others . My biggest worry is not if my shred machine is going to wear outthru all of this . . because that is where mine go . . but of those whoare not up on what spam looks like . That don 't read all of what ison them , to know it didn 't come from the Social Security Office . And how many of them are frauds ? So if you have elderly parents , and see their mail , check it out … if you don 't see their mail or livein another state , talk to them about it . Most of us have agents who handle our supplement insurance . Soif in doubt , ask them . There was one a couple years ago that soundedtoo good to be true … and it was . . When they offer it for $ 9 . 00 a monthand throws in a health club membership for little to nothing . . You knowthere is a side effect to all of this . Limited coverage , and other hiddenpolicies limitations … so be careful out there . . Read everything well . Ask around before you make a decision . The new limitations that Congresswants to pass , could be effected by these policies as well . Be informed … if you don 't understand … ask someone . . Remember theonly dumb question is the one you didn 't ask and cost you money . I am watching the Thanksgiving Parade . . Two of my yearly loves is the Thanksgiving Macy Parade and the New Year 's Day , Rose Parade … And each of the years coming it gets worse . . and this year is just another one of them . I was watching the CBS as my NBC was breaking up … but from what I could see , it wasn 't any better . ( I have antenna so limited channels , but worth every bit of no monthly bill ) What is it with these channels ? What happen to my parades . A parade is not suppose to be in the background . . What part of Macy Thanksgiving Parade did they forget ? The host keep chattering … about everything and anything but not to do with the parade … If you can 't tell me some background information about what I am seeing in the background ( because I DON ' T WANT TO SEE YOU ) then shut the heck up ! ! I want to know about the float , or the band . . I want to HEAR the marching band . . my favorite of parades . I don 't want to see a glimpses of the float coming up the street and then you two talking . . and then the end of the float as it goes around the corner … And I DON ' T want to see someone singing , or dancing . . I can watch a talk show for talking , or MTV or what ever video station , or bring out one of my cd 's , if I want musicals or dancing … I want to SEE the parade … I want to HEAR the bands … I want to see them march … I want to see the floats that people have been working on for months … I don 't want to see some small time or even big time star tell me what they are going to do for Thanksgiving … go to the talk show for that . WAKE UP NATIONAL NETWORKS … SHOW ME THE PARADE ! ! ! ! ! Bah Humbug turned off … for now . . … This picture is about 30 years old . . . it is generation past . . . . It is one of my mothertaken by a friend , Jo , who came to dinner for over 30 years before Mom 's healthgot bad . . and the last Thanksgiving , then Jo brought the meal to Mom and Dad 's . . This year , we . . the King and I , are passing the tradition on to the next generation . . . Thanksgiving has been for the past 20 years or so , the King 's delight . . . but this yearhe is grateful that one of the daughter 's has stepped up to the plate . . . So we are joining about 14 others , and going to our local daughter 's house . SO HAPPY THANKSGIVING , may your day be full of good food , great visits , lots of laughter . . . . and a safe trip home , for those who travel . . . THE WORDTOSSER . . . It is the time of the year . . and I have an early start . As one who waits until the last minute … I have out done myself . I am talking about Christmas cards … for the second year in a row , I have got my cards all done before Thanksgiving . . this year even sent them out Monday . But it is also the time to see who blinks first . Meaning on the list , there are some who you have sent them out for years . . I mean lots of years . . 25 , 35 years . . even 50 years . . for us older ones … and you wonder . . is the person getting tired of it . Would they love to have you skip a year so they won 't send you one and then you won 't send one back . Who do you scratch off the list ? Do you wait on some , in hopes they won 't send you one and then you don 't have to ? Last year , one of those long time ones , passed away . I got a card and note from her daughter … so sad … See this was one of my teen years friend , who passed away . . So at my age , you start to have some of those friends pass away . But do you have someone you would like to drop off of the list but don 't because you are afraid you might hurt their feelings ? And at our age , do you fear dropping someone in fear they might think you died ? Lol … Good luck with your list . . Seems there is another political party starting . . We have seen the start up of the No Party Group , meaning youcould not run under any party name . . And then there is a renewal of a very old party , Whip Party . And of course we hear about the Tea Party . Along with all the regulars we see on the ballot each year . Now we have a new party , which is big on electronics . Meaning you get to tell what you want in a President . And after they find one who they think is what the Americanpeople , who own computers wants … then they will ask thatperson if they will want to run under their party . Confusing , huh ? Well , the way I understand it . You all or should I say , we all , go on line and leave a message of the things we want in a President . . the qualities . . even the like Roosevelt , ( naming which one ) or Kennedy like . . again naming which one . Or even someone in your own state … When theyget enough ideas of what the people in U . S . A . want in a person , they findthat person . . And then they ask that person to come on board , and the ( the party ) will back them . It can be anyone . . They can be in the parties of now . When you go on their site , you give tell your views of what you want . Then you give a questions for a questionnaire for the candidates . You haveto be a register voter to do this . This is done this winter . . In April , they hope to have it narrowed down to 6 finalist . In May thecandidates that are picked have to opt in . After all they could come upwith someone . . but that person may not want anything to do with this new party . Those 6 different persons , then have to chose their own running partner . . AND ( this will be a kicker ) that person has to be from another party otherthan their own . Their thoughts on this is , so a fringe group won 't takeover the process . Then in early June of 2012 , the 6 top tickets face off in a on line voting . If there is an overwhelming majority , then that is the candidate . If not , then the top two have a run off . In late June the committee of this party , which is independent will decideand name their candidate . They will Posted by We have been subjected to the media about the Occupy ______________ , you fill in the blank . It is still in disarray , no matter where it is at . Even though the media has had reporters down in the middle asking people what is it that they want . No one seems to really know . And definitely no two people come up with the same answer of " hum haw , of let me see , I want jobs , I want us to have money . Power to the People " … and etc . Which I have mention in previous posting , and it hasn 't gotten any better … also the fact that how many are really there for the original reasoning . How many are free loaders ? There for a place to stay , a place for free food , even free health … and a place to spout off what ever comes to their mind , even if it has nothing to do with what the reason is . There is talk of a library being there … come on people , you are not a flaming city . The other thing that makes me wonder , is why are the cities allowing it . . right from the get go , when the crowds were smaller . After all if you are a group , and you want to have a public parade , you have to have a permit . A permit of what , where and how many . So they could have been told to leave or be arrested for having no permit . Even if they get a permit , there should be a time limit . . And no , gathering in the town square , at the beginning of a bridge , is not a right . Now let 's put this into another context … what if this was the National Rifle Association , who decided , they don 't like the gun laws , and etc … and they gathered , like these Occupy people . How long would not only the cities tolerate it , but all the non gun people . And there are a lot of them . . And what about any other group . We have the Aryan Nation , and God forbid ( no pun intended ) what about the Muslims ? What if they were to protest that they are profiled across the nation , and therefore deserve better respect ? Would all of you people who are romanticizing this group , be so thrilled ? How can you stand behind at group of unruly people , who camp out , make a mess of your city , have peopPosted by Why is it I hedge the fact that I watch Regis and Kelly Live ? After all it is just a show … with two people . Not rock star type of people … just slightly higher than the average people . But for some reason , I enjoy looking over the top of my paper , walking by with the laundry , and seeing what Regis has to say . I have to say , that the part I like the best is the first 15 minutes . The rest depends on the guest or skit they do . I started out with Regis back 50 years ago when I lived in San Diego , California . He had a noon type show with , I believe Mary Hart . It was a fun show and a nice back ground as I fed the kids lunch . Then the Joey Bishop Show . . but Regis doesn 't wear well as a lower sidekick . It was like he worshipped Joey . And it wasn 't that great to watch . Then years went by , and I caught up with Regis on national TV in the morning with Kathy Lee . They worked well together . Then Kathy Lee left . And Kelly Ripa joined him . I knew Kelly from All My Children . And I didn 't think this was going to work very well . To my surprise it worked out better than he did with Kathy Lee . And it is funny , as Kathy Lee caught heck a lot … because she talked about her kids on the show … and as Kelly 's children came , she talks about the kids just as much . I kind of liked it as it made both women more human . . and you can work and raises kids too . I kind of took Regis for granted . But realize how important he was , when he wasn 't there and someone else was with Kelly . The only one who filled in , for him that worked well , was Kelly 's own husband . Same thing worked the other way . When Kelly is gone for her family vacation , the only fill in who worked well with Regis , is Joy , his wife . So it will be interesting to see who they chose to replace Regis . He is a little man , but he has big shoes to fill . As he is the sneaky kind . . someone who you think it is ok that he isn 't there … until … . He isn 't . Maybe part of the attraction is that Regis remind of my father . They both are / were ( dad is gone ) short , both have black hair inPosted by Saw this one Facebook . . . and I liked it . . . besides , I have nothing in my head to say today of my own . . . . Some days are like that . . . Sometimes when I reflect on my pastI 'm reminded that every moment made me who I amand brought me to the close family and friends I have today . If you 've ever made me laugh , thank you . If you 've ever made me cry , screw you . And if you ever were mean to me . . . . . IN YOUR FACE ! ! ! ! Bahaha . . . . What ? Did you expect me to always be a Hallmark card ? Get real ! Thanks Once again we have a stand by your man woman . Standing in front of the media , saying this is not , this man 's nature to do … fill in the blank . This timeit is Mrs . Herman Cain … whose husband is running for president . She is taking quite a slam thru the talk shows women , who think they know her . . or shake their heads as they speak of her . In all honesty , I don 't know if what she speaks is the truth . And in this day and age of politics as normal we know the biggest liars of them all , are politicians . They are , with their " people " . Oh , I forgot it isn 't a lie when they say it , it is a spin . Spin is just another way of saying lies . Just they figure we are too stupid to realize the difference . And judging some of the words you hear , that might be right . See I am a cynic as well , as one who doesn 't believe everything she hears . I remember the great Bush lie . . oops , spin … on McCain when they were running as Republican president candidate . Where Bushes group spread the word of how McCain 's adopted child was his illegitimate child , born out of wedlock . Rather than see his family destroyed … McCain folded . Which that in its self was not good . Too bad he didn 't show strength . Tell his child of people 's lies . . and have his wife and he , stand up and call Bush on his lies . Same thing with Perot , another one who lies / spins were against his family . So when the stories start coming out . . It is hard to believe everything you read . And having the ambulance lawyer like Allred , is like having Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton show up . Besides , didn 't our parents teach us to believe half of what you read / hear and ¼ of what you see ? Me , I will judge Mr . Cain by his issues . . not the personal ones . At least for now . So far he has show a couple of ideas , which sound good , until you read all of them and what they truly mean . And so far … next November is going to be a bust … at least for me . Once again it will be a vote of the less of the two evils . . and who knows , I might vote like I did in the Bush / Kerry one . . ' NONE OF THEPosted by Back home there is a saying . . if you don 't like the weather . . just wait a bit , as it will be to your liking before the day is over . Well , yesterday , I was enjoying the sunshine . Then about 11 after I got the mail , I was opening and reading it . All sudden it got dark , dar enough I had to turn on the lights . I looked outside and this is what I saw . . When the King goes hunting , and I ride along . . . . he shoots with a gun , and I shoot with a camera . As you will see , I got more shoots than he did . . . not a deer in sight . This is just a 20 minute ride from our house . . . but a nice slow ride thru just one of our ridges . Looking through our windshield . . . As you can see winter has come to the high ridge . . . Everything looks so beautiful . . Trees with their snow coats on . . . This is a branch that is hanging over the road . . . we slowly go under , so we don 't break our antenna , and scratch the truck . . or break Mother Nature 's branches . . . this is a view was the branch goes across thewindshield . . . a few leaves still on . . in the snow . . there are many of trees that lean with the heavy snow across the road . As we got thru each one slowly , the snow flies , and the trees stand at attention once again . As we came out of the woods , and back to civilization . . . here was a flock of wildturkeys . . . And around the corner we come to see across the valley , to the mountians . . andsunshine . . Posted by In this Michael Jackson case , where the Dr . is up forsentencing now that they found him guilt . One thingI don 't understand . . how did he get possession of thatmuch drug ? I know he is a doctor . . but really , this is a drug that isto be used in a hospital only . . so how does ANY doctororder out that drug from the hospital ? And that much . Hell , he had enough to put an elephant herd to sleep . Andthis is not the first time Jackson had it at his home . Evenhad a nickname for it . . milk . He was trying to break himselfof the habit supposedly , but that night begged for it . So that shows he had it before . I worked in a health care center for 17 + years . And those nurseshad to count each pill , before they turn over the cart to the next shift . Every nurse , every cart … and they had to count what was inthe med room . One time when there wasn 't a nurse around to count with the on coming nurse … I was asked to witness the counting for the on coming nurse . ( Nurse had to leave because she was sick ) My understanding that hospitals have to do the same . . So wheredidn 't it bring down the red flag ? It is my understanding . . that hedidn 't buy it thru a black market type of deal … so how did he gethis hands on that much ? I heard from one of the news it was 4 gallons ? Surely that must be a mistake . . 4 bottles maybe , surely itwasn 't 4 gallons worth . But I think the hospital or supplier shouldhave to be accountable to how it got in the good doctors hands . Who signed this stuff out ? Next , there should be blame spread around . Don 't get me wrong , Ithink the doctor should have been found guilty . No doctor should have a patient overrule good judgment . If I don 't do what my doctor says , he would tell me to go else where . But of course there was a lot of money involved . But still . Blame should also go toMr . Jackson , himself … after all he is the one who asked , begged for it . . and he was far from a victim here . Same thing with his family … same thing with Elvis If you really think your family member could die from drugs . . you need to do a faPosted by As everyone wakes up this morning . It is a morning ofheartbreak or thrills … some found out last night . . thosewho stayed up long enough to see the results … but then againthere is the write ins and mail ins , that need to be counted as well . And in Washington state that came be most of them . . As most of them mail in . . not sure if all do . Here in Idaho , it usually is only a small percentage that mailin theirs . Personally , I like going down to the polls and makemy mark the old fashion way . And in my little town , that isstill true , as we don 't have the automatic machine that some do . But there had to be a lot of celebration last night , and the close onehad to wait until this morning . . and some of them have to wait yet . Some will be cussing . . some will think maybe they should have voted , as they figured their person was a shoo in . . But those who didn 't vote , have no say now . . Missed opportunity … Over in Washington , the people will be heading to the grocery store to buy their liquor , as they voted out their state liquor stores . So we will see if what they had to say , the pro 's and con 's , is true or not . . I had no horse in this race . As ours were all unopposed . We nowhave a new Mayor . A really nice gentleman and he is a gentle man . And our to be ex Mayor , will be stepping down after many , many , many years of holding down the fort . She definitely will feel the lost of being in the know . But then again , maybe relieved too . So those of you who voted . . Hope your person got in , and your bill went the way you voted . The rest of you . who didn 't vote . . Sorry . . Your mistake . . Sad . Seems like more and more , the mail makes me a bitch . I got today in the mail … an envelope saying MedicareChanges , Then you open the dark inside of the envelopeand there is a postcard . Telling how there are Medicare changesand how these changes could affect my current plan . For me to fill in my name , birth date , and my spouses nameand birth date as well … and phone number … Nothing sayingwhere it is from . But in blurry , small letters it says Brad Mill , license insurance agency could be contacting me . . And the frontof the post card says . . SD Reply Center in Rockwall Texas . My worry is that there is a senior citizen out there who won 't recognize thisas an advertisement … and being a post card with their name and birth date on it . . along with their spouses … is an open candidate for fraud or identity theft . Then there is the request for donation for Hospice Education . Now I have the highest regard for Hospice … but I sure the heck not goingto send money to the state of Maine … . Idaho has Hospice too . Each county , just about , has their own . . we have ours here in Bonner county . I have taken classes there when I was an aide . But Maine , I don 't think so … reminds me of a line from one ofthe judge / court shows , where she says , stay in your own lane … SoHospice of Maine , send your request for your Hospice to peopleOf Maine . Idaho people will send theirs to their local unit , thankyou very much . Then there is the Toys for Tots . I have gave to Toys for Tots foryears . . I once paid for a picture that the Sandpoint magazine used , and had them donate the payment for that , to the Toys for Tots . . There is no way I am going to send donations to Des Moines , Iowa ! The Lions club here in our town does it quite well … Iowa Toys for Tots … stay in your own lane / state . . Yes , I am afraid that makes me a bitch … but it isn 't my fault . . they just tick me off … and it come out I am sure there are a lot of you out there who have gone backa branch or two on your family tree … So you get to know the names … and if you are lucky you know what they did for work . One of my family members asked about some of mine , so I got my folderout of the old filing cabinet , and started to proceed looking over the picturesand etc . I decided to scan pictures and papers , on one side for now . . I found abooklet that one of my great aunts did in the 1960 's … long before computers … ( well , for her at least ) It is all on my grandmother 's side , which is also hers . I sat and started to read it , as I was trying to find out connection . And I tell you , after reading for half an hour , I feel my head start to spin . Holy cow . . so many names , so many same names . There ware so manyWilliam 's , John 's , Hannah 's , Daniel 's , Elizabeth 's and Harriet 's . I finallyfound the right Daniel who was married to the right Harriet , which is mygreat , great , great grandfather from England . But I couldn 't find any more . . but luckily it did list his children . . which was my great great grandfather … but I tell you , I felt like my brain was on a merry go round … and I was dizzy . I think I need a rest from this . . before I start the other side . . at leastall their names are different . . well , there is quite a few Elizabeth 's there . But when you get to the Swedish section , I can 't even spell them nevermind pronounce them . Maybe I should have just copies the papers and sent them to her . But I did get to go to a site and came out looking at the church cemeteryin England where quite a few of them are buried . That was cool One hears about different Republicans . . There is the Tea Party Republicans , Ultra right wing RepublicansMiddle of the road RepublicansAnd the one that baffles me the most is the Reagan RepublicansThey talk about him like he was some kind of a wonderful hero of the RepublicanParty … and may he was … . . to them … sure wasn 't to the rest of us . Why the ultra right wing have grabbed him is beyond me . After all I thought theultra right wing was / is the highly religious Republicans . And Reagan did notwear his religion on his sleeve . . does any one know what religion he followed ? So I am confused , and I sure don 't remember the President or even Governorcalled Ronald Reagan in the same way as those who proclaim him the Republicanof all Republican … Heck , even the Democrats refer to him , asa great man of ideals … Which is all ironic , as he raised taxes , andincreased the National Debt as much or more than others . Some will say , well , you are just looking at the political side of it . . Could beas I was a citizen of California when he was voted in as a Governor . Andwe cussed about him and his policies . . but the one that stuck out in my mind , to even today … was when he cut the food budget for the nursing homes . My neighbor was an Administrator of a nursing home . . And she was reallyfed up with the new policies of soup and sandwiches for dinner . And theirlunches were to be stews , or casseroles and etc . But the long and short ofit , the citizens of California were far from happy . Now jump ahead almost 20 years later … Reagan ran and won the PresidentElection . To those of us who ever lived in California dismay . Now my familyIs living in R . I . My now , deceased husband , was on Social Security Disability . After having 6 different operations for blocked arteries , 3 doctors had decidedthere is no way he could go back to being a welder or a diesel mechanic , thathe had been for over 34 years . We were on about a year , when Reaganbecame President . . and thru his policies … we , along with many families , got dumped off of the SSD , with one week Posted by A lot of my friends are starting to get into the Christmas spirit . BAH HUMBUG … I usually wait until at least a week or so beforeChristmas . But last year about sent all my friends into a majorshock by mailing out my Christmas cards . Usually I pull the waitinggame . You know where you wait and see if so and so is sendingyou a card this year . . hoping one of us is skipping a year , so theother has permission to quit sending a card ? So to think of Christmas , now . . I am just getting thru the HalloweenMode . Trying to get set up for Thanksgiving mode , and they are throwingChristmas at me . Ok , so now I have thought about Christmas … still Bah humbug … now leave mea lone … now let me see , where was I … oh , yea , are we doing Thanksgiving hereor are we traveling this year . Wonder what the weather will be ? That will be the deal breaker of traveling for then . The old saying was the rich get richer and the poor get more children … I don 't know . . I guess I am an old ball . . because I never minded the peoplewho were rich . . they had their lives and I had mine . Kind of it is what it is type of deal . Now those of you who are screaming and starting to pull your hair out … I don 't consider the rich lumped in with bankers … and I don 't compare those with the CEO 's who get huge bonuses . Those huge bonuses never made sense to me . . why would anyone get a bonus of more that 8 times the working man 's wages ? Never understood that . They already got a huge wage , so why the bonus ? But that is for another day . I was raised in Middletown , R . I . and we had quite an arc on incomes in our county . We had the farmers who if they had a good year , broke a little more thaneven . . We had the people who lived in a place called Park Holm , and they werelow end wage earners or welfare for what ever reason . . We had Tomney Hill , which had the poorer Naval families . And then we had just a mere 4 miles away . . Newport Ocean Drive and Belleville Avenue . . The home of the Vanderbilts , Belmonts , Wetmore , Berwind and Morris families … to name a few . . A lot of them , I never heard of while I was growing up . Vanderbilts were probably the only one I was aware of at the time . . We kind of didn 't run in the same circle , you might say . While they flaunt some of their things … it was mostly their crowd was aware of it . . Once in a while stories would leak out … like in the 1920 's and Mrs . V wanted the U . S . Navy to paint their shipswhite and moor them on the sea area view from her house . . for her WHITE PARTY . . that was where everyone dress in white with white wigs and etc . Andof course the USN decline her invitation … And then there is the one who built their own Japanese house for a Japanese party she had . But again these were before my time … I had a neighbor girl friend whose father was the gardener from one of the rich people , but not a big name one . . We got to go there while the family was gone and wePosted by
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For the past several days , she would sit until dawn each time she awakened from her nightmarish past . It wasn 't because she was reminiscing nor was it because her hatred was too strong . Rather , she simply liked to sit there in quietude to watch the sky and to relish in the wonder of being reborn again . This woman had a round face and a pair of small eyes . Her smiling features showed kindness . She carefully regarded Chen Rong before saying : " The servants have made preparations . We can set out at any time . " Chen Rong throated a reply . Seeing her calm expression , the woman relaxed a little , continuing : " Ah Rong , this place isn 't good anymore , we must move south . Compared to other major clans , the House of Chen is still much better . At least , we have clansmen in the south . " The day of the ox ? Chen Rong stood up . The day of the ox ! That 's right , on midnight three days later , she would be confronting her first calamity . The middle - aged man standing outside grew more surprised . He gave a loud reply : " Yes , I 'm Uncle Wu . Ah Rong , what 's wrong ? " At his last word , he went straight toward the door and pushed it open . A thin and pale face with a few sparse whiskers on the chin appeared before Chen Rong 's eyes . The man in front of her was a scholar her father had saved while he was traveling . All along , her father had treated him as a friend . He respectfully kept him at the estate and even asked her and all the servants to call him ' uncle ' . She was nevertheless a young girl who had yet to establish her influence . The man looked to the older woman behind her and demanded : " Nurse Ping , have you said something to Ah Rong ? Traveling south is a serious matter , how can we just leave on a whim ? " At this , he remembered something and raised his voice to say : " Besides , Ah Rong has been having nightmares for many nights . Since she is feeling unwell , why not rest for two more days ? " For a second , Uncle Wu was slightly taken aback . At length , he realized she was talking to him . He closed the door in bewilderment , his heart feeling ill at ease : What happened to Ah Rong ? How did she change so much ? As soon as Uncle Wu left , Chen Rong went to the study that housed thick bamboo slips and silk manuscripts . In the past , after Uncle Wu had conspired with thieves to rob their family wealth , she had recalled her father 's reminder in desperation : If anything unexpected were to happen , go to the study . After a good cry in the study , she accidentally discovered numerous gold leaves in these bamboo and silk books . She had survived thanks to these gold leaves . Loud clanging clashed outside . It was the servants busy at packing . At the moment , the entire courtyard was almost ready ; soon they would be moving to the study . " Nurse Ping , is Ah Rong in the study ? " Uncle Wu 's shout sounded again . " He has come to visit because he heard she isn 't feeling well . Let Ah Rong know so she can come to receive her guest . " Chen Rong rose . Before Nurse Ping could answer , she had replied with a crystal clear voice : " I 'm coming . " Then she pushed open the study door . At the gate stood an elderly man with gray beard and hair . He was Elder Sun . Before her father left , he had entrusted her welfare and education to this elderly man . In front of him , she did not have much right to speak . Elder Sun nodded his head . He walked over to face Chen Rong and gave her an appraising look . " I heard you 're having nightmares at night . Have you seen the doctor ? " Elder Sun frowned . Seeing this , Uncle Wu said on the side , " Sir , please persuade Ah Rong . She is saying that she wants to leave this afternoon in her condition . What distance are we talking about going south ? If anything were to happen along the way , wouldn 't it be too late for regrets by then ? " Elder Sun nodded his head . He glanced over to Nurse Ping , who was standing behind Chen Rong and told her , " Nurse Ping , ask your lady to go back to her room . You 'll leave three days from now . " Then he turned and told the servants in the vicinity : " This is not a trifling matter . Keep an eye on Ah Rong . If she is capricious and stubborn , lock her in ! " Nurse Ping stared blankly at Chen Rong . It wasn 't until she repeated herself that the woman replied with : " Aye , miss . " She was more than confused : The lady has changed so much recently . I don 't understand her at all these days . Although the Chen estate was currently helmed by a young lady , her father had served as the governor of the City of Ping throughout the years . He had accumulated abundant wealth despite being only an eighth - ranking official . At the time Chen Rong 's father and brother left , they had taken with them a large number of assets , yet what was left could still fill this entire courtyard . In this era , gold and coins were both difficult to circulate . The real money that people worshiped were food and clothes . In precarious wartime such as this , the most popular kind of transaction was bartering . In only half an hour , the courtyard stood full of servants and maids . Elder Sun had not gone . He and Uncle Wu were standing under a tall banyan tree , curiously looking in Chen Rong 's direction . Elder Sun nodded on the side as he startlingly thought : The House of Chen is said to be of noble descent . It is indeed true . Not only is Ah Rong from a subsidiary branch , but she is also a concubine - born daughter whose father is also concubine - born . She is young still , yet she possesses an aristocratic bearing that can only be attributed to the noble bloodline of her clan . Chen Rong took a sip of wine and casually swept her eyes across the crowd in the courtyard , lightly saying : " War is approaching . The House of Chen will bring our family south . If you want to leave our house and seek your own path , then you will receive one bolt of fabric and five pecks of rice each . If you are willing to go with me , you 'll still receive one bolt of fabric and five pecks of rice . " Nurse Ping was gaping stupidly at Chen Rong . When she saw her fathomless black eyes , she woke up , rushed forward and exclaimed : " We can 't , we can 't . Ah Rong , we don 't have that much rice and fabric in the estate to begin with . We can 't divide them up . " " B - but , these are the only assets we have in the estate . If we divide them up among these many people , the estate 's wealth will dwindle into nothing ! " With a little shortness of breath , Nurse Ping went on : " Our travel is long . It 's easy to run into problems on the road . Even if we successfully arrive in the south , how will you survive if you don 't have property ? Ah Rong , there has been no news of your father and brother heretofore . You must not carelessly drain your family wealth ! " Nurse Ping 's caring words were indeed ones expected from a loyal servant . But she had not considered that her mistress was only a vulnerable woman , or that the estate did not have dozens of stalwart guards , so how would she secure this wealth ? Even if she didn 't distribute her wealth today , the road going south was nearly a thousand miles long . If she and her few servants were to parade around with dozens of wagons , she wondered how many people and forces would be eyeing their possessions . By then , even her life wasn 't necessarily safe much less her wealth ! Chen Rong moved her gaze to glance at her servants . Among the group , she saw seven or eight as worried as Nurse Ping . The others were suppressing their joy while nervously looking at her as though they were afraid she would take back her words . At this point , Uncle Wu was looking especially odd . His face had turned purple and blue , appearing to be angry and slightly panicking . His left foot was still in the air ; nobody knew if he was going to step forward or if he was going to retreat . Strange , didn 't he feel tired from standing on one foot like that ? Chen Rong looked at him and slowly broke into a smile . With her eyes narrowing , she said to him in a crystalline voice : " Uncle Wu , you are a learned person . Since the entire City of Ping commends your fairness , please come out and give Ah Rong a hand . " Chen Rong 's eyes continued to narrow . The hearty laughter she produced was so different from anything else in the past that it made Elder Sun , who always boasted of being a virtuous scholar disdainful of money , continuously nod his head : Only in crucial events can one see a person 's true nature . I had thought Ah Rong was foolish in wanting to distribute her wealth . Seeing her so cheerful at this moment tells me she is indeed indifferent to her money ! This child is truly deserving of the surname Chen ! At this point , Chen Rong slightly raised her brow and called in surprised : " Uncle Wu , Uncle Wu ? Why are you so startled ? Or do you not want to do this ? " While Uncle Wu stiffly walked forward , Elder Sun heaved a sigh behind him : " Wu Yang , Wu Yang , even a young girl sees money as dirt . You are a scholar , but why do you look so pale ? Why are your behaviors so rigid , your eyes so muddled ? Tsk , you are much inferior to her ! " People in this era loved to remark on anything and everything . The elders ' opinions often affected a person 's entire life . When Elder Sun uttered his words , a dark ire loomed on Wu Yang 's thin face . Chen Rong stood up . She covered her mouth with her sleeve and casually yawned before saying : " Distribute them well . It 's up to each of you whether you stay or leave . " Heaven ! Those people aren 't vegetarians ! These things wouldn 't be enough to fill the space between their teeth . If they blame me , what am I supposed to do ? " Very good . I 've got something quite extraordinary . I would like to ask the three of you to lead those 15 people and bring it to the Wang estate . Just tell them that my guardians are not at home , and I am only a vulnerable female who cannot take charge . I would be pleased to gift the treasure my father left me if only the Chen house can join the Wang house 's troop and embark on this journey with them . " The whole body of the object shone in radiance . It was a coral three feet high and shaped like a tree . Born under the sea , it was extremely difficult to obtain . Moreover , the coral they were beholding was crystal clear and flawless . Seeing Chen Rong looking at him in surprise , he got hold of himself and explained to her : " You have just dispersed most of your wealth . This is presently the only thing that is worth something in the entire estate . Are you not keeping even the last treasure your father left ? Should you gift it to someone else ? " His tone was quite serious . He gave a long sigh and continued : " Miss , it 's difficult to build a home yet very easy to wreck one . If you do this , I 'm afraid people will say you are a prodigal child . " She then ignored him and directed her gaze to Nurse Ping and Old Shang . " Carry it away . There 's no need to use a veil . Send it to the Wang estate at once . " Chen Rong smiled and narrowed her eyes , appraising Uncle Wu 's facial expression while shaking the coral in her hand again . She casually said , " Take it to the Wang estate . It now belongs to the House of Wang . If it lures thieves , it is luring thieves into the Wang House , what has it got to do with me ? And what has it got to do with you ? " Several servants quickly ran into the main hall and lifted a small circular tray - one that was made entirely out of pure agarwood . It was one of the few remaining valuables in the Chen estate . It had long been spotted by Wu Yang . The result was not as he had expected . While he was forcibly snatching it away , he in fact could not feel Chen Rong 's resistance . Once the coral was in his hands , Wu Yang 's red face showed a hint of a smile . Perhaps when people are pushed into a corner , their potential would be catalyzed . In desperation , Wu Yang 's hands held onto the coral . He hastily pulled his hands back and shouted in awe : " I got it , I got it ! " Suddenly , Chen Rong 's childish voice was heard , tinged with anger : " Uncle Wu , my father had sheltered you because you hadn 't had anywhere to go . Our forefathers said we mustn 't forget the grace we were given . Our kindness to you hadn 't been merely a meal , had it ? Please tell me why you must take this coral from my home ? Why do you rather break it than give it to the Wang clan ? " " While guardians are absent from the House of Chen , this Wu Yang fellow as a scholar had plotted to steal my assets and had broken my family 's priceless treasure . Presently , clans are moving south . No one will be present at court to see this knave to justice . Throw him out of the Chen estate and let the world know of his actions ! " As soon as he was lifted , he suddenly opened his eyes and glared at Chen Rong , screaming : " You ! You little wench ! How dare you touch me ? You 're actually going to touch me ? " This time , those who sympathized with him suddenly felt disgusted . This man had broken the mistress 's family heirloom . Not only did he shamelessly feign a swoon , he even accused the mistress so callously . It seemed he was as wicked as Ah Rong said he was ! Chen Rong was rather calm facing a furious Wu Yang . She simply watched him with nary a trace of panic detected in her eyes . While Wu Yang was still stunned , a few strong servants had held him down and dragged him away . " What are you doing ? Put me down , put me down at once ! " Wu Yang cried in panic , his hands and feet struggling to break away . But he was only a frail scholar . How could he move if on one wanted to let him go ? Six men solidly pressed down on him and lifted him into the air before they carried him out of the estate . How could she be sad ? Her father and brother were not home . As a girl who needed help , she would do anything for anyone who would take her in . However , she had been seeking a small return when she wanted to gift this treasure away . None of the corrupt officials in the city would dare to receive her gift , much less the great house of Wang . Anyone who took it would 've stained his own name . Chen Rong gave no answer . She only gazed in the direction of the gate with a faraway look in her eyes , a touch of ease emerging across her face . " People of the Wang House are coming , right ? I heard they are leaving tomorrow . Get ready so we don 't slow others down . " Everyone was still looking at each other until Chen Rong flapped her sleeve and turned to go back to her bedchamber . " Nurse Ping ? Is Ah Rong serious ? " someone finally asked at length . He is commonly referred to as Wang Qilang because he is the 7th male offspring of the Wang clan . Similarly , his cousin is called Wang Wulang because he is 5th . They are terms of endearment much like nicknames . The house of Wang was no ordinary clan . In the entire City of Ping , the house of Wang was among the most powerful . Moreover , the person who came this time was Wang Qilang . But this Wang Qilang was known to all his kinsmen ! His drove a chariot with grace , he was well - dressed , he came and went as he pleased , and he mingled with other major clans . There was easily a dozen people in his clan who were high - ranking court officials ! Such a clan was as good as royalties . They stood in the clouds high above and let the world look up to them ! At the rap on the door , Chen Rong hastened out . Because she had divvied up her family wealth and broken the coral , she reckoned the Wang clan would hold her in high regard . If she could go with them , the journey would be much more peaceful . And if she could befriend them , she would have much to her advantage after arriving in the south . With this said , she didn 't expect the result to be this good . She had drawn the famed Qilang of the Wang clan here ! She did not ask which gate Wang Qilang was currently at . Just like that , she strode out of the courtyard . Sure enough , she had only left the gate when she heard a stream of melodious music ahead . Chen Rong did not do so . She walked briskly toward the carriage , her wooden clogs clomping on the ground from time to time with her steps . They were particularly abrupt and jarring while the notes were floating . The most annoying of all was that , whether intentional or not , each time the wooden clogs touched ground was right at the turning point of the music . She was really making the listeners stew in irritation . Chen Rong did not stop walking . She went straight to the carriage , softly laughed and replied : " The zither playing is very beautiful . But since I am preoccupied , I cannot listen to such carefree music . " In the amazement of the crowd , she reached her hand out to lift the carriage curtain while very naturally replying : " I 've long heard that Qilang of the Wang House is blessed with bearings of the gods . Unfortunately , I 've not had a chance to meet you . I was very happy to hear that my lord has come today , but I became worried for fear that my lord would lose his interest and deny our meeting . " He was as beautiful as jade , his eyes as dark as paint . He was smiling at her . For some reason , Chen Rong 's heart really did tremble when confronted with his smiling face . It should be said she had just been wounded in love and had also just come back to life . She had thought her heart would never beat for a man again . She could now , however , feel her heart thumping against her chest . It could thus be inferred how handsome the man before her eyes must be . The handsome lad regarded her and noticed that , despite staring at him in stupefaction , her dark eyes were very clear . He could not help but smile , revealing a row of snow - white teeth . " Have you seen enough ? " he asked . Chen Rong sighed in reply . " My lord 's looks are too majestic . I still would like to get married and have children . After meeting you today , how can any other man come into my eyes from now ? " Amid the music that wound its way like spring water , Wang Qilang gave a low chuckle . " I 've had no harvest since I arrived in the City of Ping several months ago . Until today , that is , when I heard that the lady of the Chen house had drained her family wealth , and I thus hurriedly came over . This has indeed been a worthwhile trip ! " You should know by now you had just read four chapters ! This may change but I am trying out a new update format where I would update less frequently ( 2 weeks ? ) but instead have batch chapters for each update ( 3 - 5 chapters ) . I feel like this novel needs to be read in chunks for momentum sake since its pacing is more deliberate . You guys can let me know your preference after a few runs and I 'll see if things should be switched up . August 9 , 2015 at 12 : 23 AM Hello hamster ! I 've been a silent lurker on your blog and always love the work you translated , especially sansheng and moxi 's story ! This story is looking great ! Translating it batch by batch seems to flow much better for me ! Thank you for your hardwork ! ^ o ^ looking forward to the development and the journey of Chen Rong ! August 9 , 2015 at 7 : 18 AM Hi Ivy , it was also interesting to me to see how her present was diverging from her past . Sometimes it doesn 't , and that feels scary , bcoz there 's such a helplessness about history repeating itself . But when it does , it 's pretty fascinating . I prefer 3 to 5 chapter hehe . . But i really really can 't wait for 2 weeks update . . How about 2 chapter each week 😀 Have a good day 😀 August 9 , 2015 at 5 : 12 PM Thank you , Hamster ! A batch of chapters sounds good to me 🙂 Looking forward to read the next batch ! LikeLiked by 1 person August 9 , 2015 at 10 : 12 PM So excited Hamster ! ! ! I was so pleasantly surprised with chapter 1 and then couldn 't believe my eyes when there were 4 chapters a few days later ! ! I 'm excited about this project and will cheer you on ! jia you ! Can 't wait to see how Chen Rong does it this time around ( and also to see what went wrong last time ! ) I 'm torn between loving having larger chunks to get a better feel for the whole story but then having too long in between I can 't remember what happened before ( maybe it 's just my old age ) … but that 's not too bad of a problem as I can always just reread a little . I 'm good with whatever you decide . August 10 , 2015 at 7 : 34 AM Hi atz . It went wrong for her right from the beginning the last time bcoz she was too young to understand how the world works . Plus she had no direct relatives to protect her . She was at the mercy of her distantly related uncle who could care less . She 's still at his mercy this time around ( omg is he scum ! ) but at least she mow knows what these ppl are capable of and can put her guard on . I 'm trying my best to do weekly updates when I can and at least in the beginning to get the story going . But since work and life has that pesky way of stepping in that I hesitate to make that promise . Should I include a " last time on MGQ " paragraph at the beginning of each new update to help u refresh ? Lol . August 10 , 2015 at 5 : 25 PM Thanks for the update - I 'm really enjoying this story so far . I 'm a fan of having a couple of chapters in each release . It flows really nicely and the segment concludes at the perfect point . It feels like an episode of a show - there 's enough of a story to form an arc with a sort of cliffhanger at the end . I thoughts so too when I decided to batch them up . One or two chapters just didn 't feel like it was enough for the plot to move . Thank for checking the story out . I 'm glad everyone is enjoying it so far . August 10 , 2015 at 11 : 49 PM Thanks for the chapters Hamster ! For me I like the chapters spread out than chunks . I feel like I enjoy the chapters better that way because I actually take the time to read and re - read them , just soaking them in , go I guess that 's why I don 't really have any memory problems when I read the following chapters . When it comes out as chunks , I read them in a rush , too excited you know . But that 's just me . Anyway this story is amazing , I 'm hooked ! You seriously know how to choose the good ones . It 's a bit sad that she ended her life , just goes to show how much it sucked before but so nice to see a " what if I did this differently " kind of story . Hah thnx , I just happen to enjoy these books . But my taste has always been a little different from most other readers so I 'm pleasantly surprised many of you like this one so far . What intrigued me was also how she was going to change fate the 2nd time around . What would she do differently . Sometimes I wonder what 's the point since the era she lives in is still pretty crap , and she isn 't having an easier time at all , but her tenacity makes me realize that life is worth living and you should make the best out of what you were given . August 11 , 2015 at 10 : 26 PM Thank you for introducing and translating this novel . I prefer a batch of chapters also . I like the main guy so far . In her previous life , did they ever meet ? August 11 , 2015 at 11 : 31 PM I love you so much Hamster ! ! Thank you for introducing another fun novel to read your translations . I love this story so far , also love your many chapter updates for the story 's momentum . You are the best ! October 7 , 2015 at 6 : 43 AM After reading these 4 chapters I have to say that I can 't wait to read more . Chen Rong is quite different to other female leads that I have encountered so far in other novels . Thank you so much for these chapters . - screams excitedly - oh my , that chzpter 3 was interesting ! Yes , cast that horrible person out ! Heh , it 's excellent that she got the attention of that person ! Nice , nice - - ! April 22 , 2017 at 9 : 56 PM Oh I see , so the MC was born from a concubine ? The last chapter confused me because she seemed to be the wife of guy but it was stated that he also married her cousin . Afaik , in China only one wife can be the legal wife , the others are concubines . Possibly MC was the concubine in the first chapter ? But I 'm not sure , maybe she was a divorced wife . Either way , being born of a concubine is a handicap when it 's time to find a marriage match for MC . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :
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This weekend I got a few questions from my cousin ( second cousin ? first cousin once removed ? I don 't know . . . cousin is just easier ) Rebecca in Brooklyn , newish mommy to gorgeous little Stoshua . I was writing a long - winded reply via email and decided instead of boring just her , I would turn it into a blog post , because I really don 't have much else to write about these days . Plus , I 've been told that some folks out there like to hear about our lives even when we aren 't on some far - flung adventure . Some questions I am more qualified to answer than others , so we may need some expert opinions / advice / lessons from other readers . " Maple Bacon donut ? Tell me more ! Not a meat eater , but never heard of such a combo ! " [ Disclaimer : This discussion may be a little too much for anyone who doesn 't like / eat pork . Sorry ! I just can 't help myself , but I love bacon ! ] Well , my quest for said donut started on a flight from Dallas to somewhere , traveling on an airline that actually shows movies and television shows free of charge ( what a concept ) . Anthony Bourdain was doing a tour of the Pacific Northwest , and one of his stops was Portland 's ( what I now know is legendary ) Voodoo Donuts . This place has every kind of donut never imagined . A browse through their menu is actually kind of hilarious . Anyway , Anthony finished up his trip with a taste of the maple bacon donut , which he admitted sounded kind of gross . But then his face lit up , and you could tell he was in love . And when you think about it , it makes sense . On the rare occasion that I eat pancakes , I always make sure to have leftover bacon to sop up the remaining maple syrup . That combination of sweet and savory is so tasty ! And the cake texture of the donut , the sugary crusty texture of the maple glaze , and the crunch , crispy texture of the bacon is so much fun on the tongue . I know all this now , because on our last trip to Portland , we finally made it to the shop , and the maple bacon donut was all I had hoped for . But definitely not something I would want to eat everyday . ( I donPosted by Time for me to sit and reflect on all the good . To ignore the sad , bad news from around the world . To tune out the sensationalists and the rhetoric and the fanatics . ( Though granted , it is getting harder and harder to do . ) And instead to remember what I love about this crazy mixed - up world we live in . So here goes , my list of what I am thankful for , in no particular order . . . a roof over my head , my green puffy ( newly cleaned ) jacket , fresh eggs from our neighbor 's chickens , the fact that our neighbors have chickens in their backyard , my health , the YMCA , walks with the dog ( s ) , the fact that the foothills are one block away , white - snow - blue - sky days like today , that fresh roasted coffee in that little market in San Jose , Costa Rica , our travels , our friends , our friends , our friends , Kai and all his many dogsitting buddies , even the naughty ones , our veggie garden all prepped and ready to go for next year , our beehive ( I hope they survive this cold snap ! ) , my new desk setup ( thanks Mark and Sid ! ) , the fact that we finally framed almost all of our pictures ( now we just need to hang them ) , a good book , rainbows , double rainbows , Green Pond , airplanes that take us to see family and friends and on our farflung adventures ( even with all the annoyances of present - day travel ) , Bloody Marys , filling the house with the smells of good food , the Capri 's greasy spoon breakfast , mmm bacon , my memories , creating new memories , all the trees we have planted , our neighbors , Wordfirm for keeping me busy , changing seasons , Nana and Grandpa and Gram and Nana 2 for everything they have taught me about the importance of love and laughter , knitting ( even if the current blanket project will NEVER flippin ' end ) , the fact that I actually ( eventually ) finish certain craft projects now ( I am sure Mom is happy about that ! ) , laughing until my face hurts , all of our beautiful nieces and nephews - - Ilan , Lara , Ariel , Megan , Lily , Sabrina , and Ella - - we miss you all so much and are so proud of all of you ! ! , my cruiser bike and the fact that I rarely Posted by Hmmm , for some reason Picasa is not linking the slide shows into the blog . It shows up on my screen , so I 'm sitting here thinking all is OK . But apparently the slide show is not showing up anywhere else . So , we 'll do this the " old school " way ( meaning the way of 6 months ago ) . Click on this link to see any of our public albums , including all the photos from Costa Rica : http : / / picasaweb . google . com / tsj1119 . How to capture what a great time we had our last week in Costa Rica without boring you to tears ? That is my afternoon dilemma . I 'll do my best ! ( or you can just check out the slide show , skip the long novel below , and make up your own story ) We left Turrialba after eating lunch with Jose at a soda ( essentially a Costa Rican diner / cafe ) that used to be the town 's old train station . As always the comida tipica ( typical local food ) was delicious . It was sad to say goodbye to Jose , but we were also impatient to get on our way to rest and relaxation . Gertrude the GPS was put back to work , as she guided us out of town and up , up , up into the mountains . Along the way , her " partner " Bill would interrupt with little tidbits of information about whatever little town we were passing . Gertrude is spot - on accurate , letting us know about upcoming speed bumps , " dangerous " bridges ( which had me nervous at first , but it just means a one - way bridge ) , and sinking roadways ( that one still has me nervous , as I have since seen several sinking roadways , and I don 't like them ! ) . She even knew about the obscure little turnoff that took us down , down , down to El Trogon Lodge , which turned out to be our own little piece of paradise . There wasn 't much to do down there in the valley , but it was perfect . Our two nights ' stay consisted of eating ( a ton of ) fantastic food , drinking , sleeping ( and more sleeping ) , reading ( and more reading ) , going on a hike , watching the hummingbirds , enjoying the lush landscape , and playing pool , all while listening to the occasional torrential rainstorms . The weather was cool , the room had a nice warm heater ( not to mention an even warmer hot shower . . . heaven after a week of cold showers at Jose 's ! ) , and the staff were extremely friendly . And after the first night , we had the entire lodge all to ourselves . Wednesday morning , we reluctantly packed up our stuff and drove up over el Cerro de la Muerte ( " Mountain of Death , " which " Bill " assured us did not get its name from the crazy drivers ) down to the Pacific coast Posted by As always , the IRF team pulled off a great race . And as always , it wasn 't without it 's many difficulties and face - offs . But , in the end , it was all worth it . There were a few flips and boat wraps ( which is when a boat winds up on a rock and the force of the river essentially wraps the boat to the rock ) , but no one was seriously injured , and all the teams seemed to have a great time . The final ceremony was yesterday afternoon , with a delicious barbecue and lots of beer . The party then continued here at Jose 's , with many of the safety crew and judges , as well as the US men 's and women 's team and one guy ( Andrej ) from one of the many Czech Republic teams . Amazingly enough , we are all feeling pretty good this morning , considering the great time we all had last night . Now we are starting our vacation . After we finish up posting the results , etc . , we will load up the car and head off for Trogon Lodge . After two days there , we will head to the Pacific coast for seafood and surf . And then it 's back to San Jose for dinner with Rafa and his wife , Alejandra , before heading out early Saturday morning . Yay ! A vacation for just the two of us ! ! In the meantime , here are some more photos , including a shot of our second flat tire ! I don 't have a ton of time to write . It 's 6 : ! 5 and we are leaving in 15 minutes for the second day of the races . Mark is still updating the InternationalRafting . com site every night , so hop over there if you are interested . I think he is posting pictures and videos as well . Just in case any of you heard about our little quake down here , I wanted you to know we are fine , and everything is still standing ( even us . . . barely ) . We were sitting at dinner , eating amazing food ! ! , when the chairs and tables started shaking . It was just a little shaker , and definitely not the worst I 've felt . In fact , at first I thought it was just a really huge truck going by . My only concern was that it wasn 't a precursor to one of the many volcanoes down here about to erupt . I was assured that it wasn 't . Well , time to brush my hair , chow down a burrito ( made to order by Eric Boudreau . . . an ex - Canadian men 's team and now the chief judge of the race . . . and also one of the 14 Canadians who stayed in our home in Denver a few short months after we moved in ) , and head on down to the river . Which is good , because I 'm ready for bed . Everything is going well . You can read Mark 's take on everything over here : www . internationalrafting . comFor your viewing pleasure , here is a quickie slideshow of our first few days . No captions , just pictures . Sweet dreams ! Well , I should actually have some fodder for the blog for the next two weeks . On the Road AgainSaturday , Mark and I flew down to Costa Rica , where Mark will be the race director for the Pre - World Rafting Championships . Long - time readers of our various adventures may recall that we went to Ecuador for a similar race ages ago . The deal is this : Every two years , the IRF puts on a 6 - person world rafting championships . In the year before the actual event , they require that a " pre " - race be put on to ensure that all logistics , etc . , are in place and problems are smoothed out before the big event . It 's kind of a pain in the butt for the organizers , but until they get big sponsors , it 's a necessary evil ( big sponsors would provide big money , and with big money , most of the little problems that come up during a pre - worlds would never be a problem ) . This year there will be 21 teams from about 7 countries . Anyway , after a long day of travel from Boise to San Jose , Costa Rica , with no delays , no luggage problems , and no problems ( albeit also with no legroom and no amenities whatsover ) , we got in , made it through immigration and customs without a hitch , and headed over to Budget Rental Car . Even with a hand - drawn map and a GPS system in the car , we had a heck of a time finding our hotel in the rain at 10 p . m . at night . But , at last , we turned off Miss Gertrude the GPS and trusted the hand - drawn map . After a few more wrong turns and missed exits , we finally made it to the Country Suites and Inn by Carlson ( if we had known that full name , Miss Gertrude would have had no trouble whatsoever . . . as always , technology issues come down to user knowledge and user error ) . The hotel was lovely , and our room had a massive , comfy bed . Our first dinner in Costa Rica was rice and beans and fruit from the local grocery store enjoyed while flipping through the TV channels . Not exactly what I imagined , but still just perfect for the state we were in . The next morning , the hotel provided a delicious breakfast buffet , including Costa Rican coffee , Posted by I am happy to report that the lack of blogging here has been due to an extremely busy , fun - packed summer . We are actually all packed and ready to go on our next adventure right now . We are just waiting for our friends Sid and Davida to sort out the stuck egg in their chicken ( no joke ) . So while we wait , here 's a very quick recap : After our Middle Fork of the Salmon trip ( see the previous post ) , Mark headed off for the Netherlands to help organize and run , as well as do the media for , the four - person raft championships . You can read all about it at internationalrafting . com . This site is also what has been keeping Mark busy this summer , as it is his job to keep it ( and the IRF Facebook page ) up to date and full of interesting info for boaters and nonboaters alike . While Mark was off in the Netherlands , I hopped on a plane for a fantastic two - week trip to Connecticut , New Jersey , and North Carolina . After being pampered with mom at a local spa , we stopped off with Dad to see the Darling clan on Green Pond . Relaxing cruises on the lake , a fun night at the Seven Sisters , and always love and laughter made up for the fact that it was a much - too - short visit . Then Mom , Dad , and I headed south for the Outer Banks of North Carolina , where we met up with the Tuthills , our family friends from my earliest days of life , and the Studebaker gang . The house was right on the beach , but also had a pool . Our days were filled with more laughter , lots of swimming , and a whole bunch of relaxing ( not to mention a heck of a lot of eating and drinking ) . Thanks so much to the Tuthills for making it all possible . I returned to Mark here in Boise , where we have filled up our days with garden projects , more boating , lots of barbecues , the Tour de Fat , the Western Idaho Fair , a hot air balloon festival , pool parties , a bunch of mountain biking , and even a little Willie Nelson at the Botanical Gardens . In between all that , Mark took a job as a polysomnographic technologist at a sleep lab . An entirely new venture for him that he is finding incrediblyPosted by So technically today is a tomorrow , it just isn 't the tomorrow I referred to in my previous post . I still don 't have all the pictures from our various adventures . Most are on Mark 's computer , which is the Netherlands with Mark ( check out www . internationalrafting . com to see what he is up to ) . But I did promise pictures ( when am I not promising pictures ? ) , so here are the few I have related to the previous post . Actually , only the first few are related to the previous post . The rest are from our wonderful , wonderful , wonderful Middle Fork of the Salmon 6 - day river trip ( which we just got back from on Thursday night ) . The river was gorgeous ( it runs through the Frank Church / River of No Return Wilderness , which apparently is on the list of 1 , 000 places to see before you die . . . so check that one off the list . Only 999 more to go . ) , the weather was fantastic , the food was to die for ( and then to come back to life just so you could eat more and die all over again ) , and our group was excellent . Not a bad egg among us ( or maybe I was the bad egg and no one told me ) . Anyway , without further ado , a few pictures for your viewing pleasure . Trip the First - - The No Lochsa Weekend , during which we did not raft on the Lochsa and instead enjoyed a wonderful weekend in McCall ( which included rafting , skiing , rafting , which a bunch of food and laughter in between ) . Trip the Most Recent - - Middle Fork of the Salmon River Posted by We are so very far behind in keeping this blog up to date . It has been a fun , hectic , busy , adventure - filled spring . But you certainly wouldn 't know that , would you . So here 's the quick recap : Trip 1 : Rather than the freezing Lochsa River , we ended up in McCall , Idaho , at a friend 's family 's 5 - bedroom " cabin . " We floated down a mellow section of the Salmon , skied the last day at Brundage Mountain , eased our muscles in the hot tub overlooking the Payette River , ate a ridiculous amount of wonderful home - cooked food , and then wound up the whole weekend with a trip down the south fork of the Payette River , upon which Mark expertly guided us through some rocking and rolling class 3 rapids . For the next two weekends we installed a sprinkler system , with the great , generous help of Heather , her Dad , and Simo . Trip 2 : We got together with a group of friends and headed to the Snake River , on the border of Idaho and Oregon . It was a wonderful trip , like no other , down Hells Canyon ( mainly class 3 of a huge , huge river through North America 's deepest river gorge ) . The days were spent on the river , and the nights were spent relaxing in a river hot tub that could easily seat 15 . Not exactly the definition of roughing it ! Trip 3 : For Memorial Day , we trekked back up through McCall and beyond , to the wondrous Burgdorf Hot Springs . I can 't even begin to describe how relaxing this weekend was . More fantastic food and friends , all interspersed between trips to the natural hot springs that overlooked the surrounding mountains . Peace . Ful . Trip 4 : Mark 's folks arrived a few days after the Burgdorf trip . We spent a few days showing them around Boise before heading off on a 10 - day roadtrip through the northwest . We stopped in Sun River and Portland , Oregon ; Seattle and Ritzville , Washington ; and McCall . There was much eating of good food , shopping in all sorts of different shops , exploring of city nooks and crannies , and even the occasional hike into the wilderness . It was a fantastic time ! And now we are back home . My computer is just about Posted by We have had several reader questions since our last post , and we are here to oblige ! From our inquisitive nephew Ilan , down in Sydney : How do you get the bees out of the tree and into the hive ? A picture speaks 1 , 000 words , or so they say , so let me see if this photo montage helps explain ( because even though I watched it happen , I 'm still not entirely sure how it all came together ) . Mark and Drew in their oh - so - fashionable beekeeping gear . Drew is holding the top of the tree and sawing just below the swarm , while Mark holds the base to keep it all steady . A close - up of the above . An even closer - up of the above above . Carefully detaching the branch from the tree . I wish I had video of this one . Drew essentially banged the branch against the beehive just once , and all the bees just " ploomped " ( technical term ) into the box . That group of bees right in front didn 't quite make it in , but they eventually settled down and moved in . From what I understand , the queen was in the center of all that craziness . And where the queen goes , her bees follow . So when she fell in , all the others moved in with her . After about 24 hours , Drew came back and moved the hive against the side of the house , so it gets morning sun and then afternoon shade . I don 't know how he moved it all , as he took care of that at some ungodly hour of the morning ( oh , say , about 8 a . m . or something on a Saturday ! ) . So as you can see , I don 't really know how it all happened . But it did . And the bees have been happily buzzing along ever since . Which leads us to our next question . From Mom ( as opposed to Mum ) in ConnecticutHow do you get the honey out of their new home now ? Good question . I don 't know . . . yet . All I 've been told is that Drew takes out the slats ( here they all are in the box . Out of the box they essentially look like manmade honeycomb ) . The slats are on wooden frames and the " comb " is angled slightly ( this is important , but I don 't know why , exactly ) . He places these in what sounds like a heated centrifuge , which spins it all around and flings the honey oPosted by We have been MIA again from this little blog of ours . We are still busy with the house , as well as the beginning of barbecue season , bike rides , work , . . . and the list goes on . Last weekend we were swarmed by bees and now have our own honeybee hive . That excitement led to us cutting down all of the old trees in our backyard , which , in turn , led to the pseudo - orphaning of two little baby mourning doves and then the cruel agony of watching Mama Bird return later to no nest , no babies , and a torrential downpour that lasted all night . It was a very somber ending to an otherwise productive and interesting weekend . After about a week , Mama Bird has finally flown off and no longer sits on our clothesline , staring in our window all day and night , so I no longer have to hear her telltale call . And yet I will never be able to listen to a mourning dove again without getting a big ol ' lump in my throat . The swarm , settling down in one of our former treesThe swarm 's new homeThis horrendous juniper is now long gone , as are the birds who had made it their home . Sorry birds ! ! After all that excitement , we settled down to a busy week of work so that we could get ready for our first real adventure in Idaho . Originally the plan was to head up into the mountains for our first Idaho rafting trip on the raging Lochsa River up near Lolo Pass . Apparently this is the spot along Lewis and Clark 's adventures where they had to kill a colt to feed the crew , where they faced near starvation , and where they were caught in an unseasonable snowstorm . As we watched the weather reports throughout the day today , we were starting to think that we would be in for a similar encounter . But at the last minute , our crew decided to scrap the original plan of camping in the rain and snow . Instead we are heading up to McCall for a weekend of rafting , skiing , and hot tubbing , all based in the comforts of a warm and cozy cabin . Hooray ! So if you haven 't heard from us in a while , it 's because we 've been wrangling bees , birds , work , and play . It 's a rough life herePosted by We 've been MIA again , but this time not due to sickness or sheer laziness or lack of anything to say . A week ago Friday , I bought two bookcases from a shop that is moving to a new location . I got a steal of deal - - $ 10 each . What a bargain ! The two bookcases , stashed in the cornerThe next day , at about noon , Mark and I sat in my office , trying to figure out how to organize the room , where to place the bookcases , etc . , etc . , which led to the discussion of , " Well , we do want to pull up the carpet and paint the walls . " " Yes , but I thought we were going to work in the garden this weekend . " " Yeah , well , maybe we should do this first . " And off to Home Depot we went to get all the materials to rip up the carpet , paint the plywood ( for our temporary ghetto - hardwood - floor substitute until we can afford the real stuff ) , paint the walls , clean up the trim , etc . etc . All so that we could then move in the $ 20 bookcases . So much for my bargain . For a week , our living area looked like this : Ack ! as we did this to my office : And now it looks like this : Yay ! All that 's left to do is hang pictures , shorten the curtains , and find some new bookcases . Because , alas , after all that , we decided that the bookcases really didn 't go with my office . So now they are being used as clothing shelves in our bedroom ( in place of the cardboard boxes that we had been using as dressers for the past 7 months . . . really , we are not still in college . We are grown adults . . . sort of . Really . ) After a brief respite of having the house all in one piece again , we started in on Mark 's office , and once again our living room looks like this : If you know anything about home " improvement " projects , I 'm sure you won 't be surprised to hear that in the process of ripping up Mark 's carpets , etc . , we discovered that the wood around his window was rotten and icky and mucky from a leak that the previous owners decided to just ignore : Oooh , pretty ! So yet another quick - and - easy project turns into a major chore . But already , it looks like this , so we are making terrific headway . . Posted by Today 's Guest Post is courtesy of Mark , who is living the sweet life this week down in Costa Rica . * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * I am sitting at El Tigre ( Rafa 's farm house on the Pacuare ) , and it is raining like you wouldn 't believe . The place is a rustic hut with solar electricity ( we had to use a generator tonight , as the batteries are not working well ) . Except for the LED light above me , it is 100 % dark . The rain is so loud , you can 't even hear the jungle noises , and all I can think of is that you need to be here with me . [ Ed Note : Awwww . ] This place is incredible , and I love it . Today 's adventure was fantastic . We started out early , at 7 am , and cooked a breakfast of bacon , eggs , rice , and plantains . Then we got on ATVs and rode all around the area . ( When we reached the road , that 's when I called you from Rafa 's phone . ) Next we met the Rios Tropicales clients and went with them to the river . Had a fantastic day on the river and figured out how to do the time trial on the Pacuare . We plan to make it a community event , where we are going to plant trees and showcase how this river was saved from a dam . Once off the river , we had a late lunch at Cairo and then got a ride with the guides back to the ATVs and rode back here to the hut . We sat out on the open deck , listening to the rains come in as we figured out how to organize the World Rafting Champs . Beautiful . Rafa is now asleep ( 8 : 22pm ) , and I am working on the event and putting all my notes down so we can remember everything . Anyway I just want you to know that as great a time as I am having , the most important thing is that it is not 100 % complete as I am not sharing it with you . I promise you will see these places by October 2011 at the latest . Today 's post is brought to us by my first guest blogger : Auntie Karen , aka The Queen . Thanks , Auntie K . ! ! For those of who are on Auntie Karen 's lengthy e - mail list , I apologize for the duplicate news . But this news is just too happy not to spread around . ( And it has pictures . . . though not necessarily recent ones . ) ( Because this is a guest blog , here 's a little clarification " Mom " = " Nana . " Just in case you all think this is about my mom . ) Mom 's preparation for a cochlear implant started October 2009 , surgery was January 6 and " hook - up " - - the day we have been working toward ( when the outside processor is connected to the implanted device ) happened January 26 . Gary , Jane , Mom and I drove and Donna took the train from CT to NYC . We were all there when the audiologist made the " connection . " She programmed the unit and began to ask Mom questions in a normal conversational voice with her lips covered so Mom could not lip - read . Amazingly , Mom began to answer with a completely relaxed and normal affect . There was no leaning forward in total concentration to grasp what was being said . She heard our voices , and it was an emotional moment for all of us ( one of many to come ) . Jane , Donna , and I were choked up and reaching for the tissue box . Mom said we sounded like we were speaking in slow - motion , but she was hearing sounds . For the first time in a LONG time , Mom heard Gary 's voice . Driving home , Mom and Gary were able to carry on a conversation in the car - - the road noise did not override all other noises and Mom did not have to look at Gary 's face to try to read his lips . She even noticed that she could hear the clicking of the directional signal . Prior to the surgery , Mom could not hear anything , or little of what someone said , if they spoke quickly , if she couldn 't see their lips , if they spoke without moving their lips or covered their mouth with their hand , if they spoke while looking away , if they spoke from behind her , if their voice was pitched high , or if they spoke quietly . If there was any background noise , such asThe Joffes I love this picture . I think that it expresses everything wonderful about our marriage , and everything about Mark that is so great . I mean , look at that smile of his . Doesn 't it just make you want to go out and have fun and love life ? Carpe diem , and all that good stuff ? Life is never perfect every second of every day , and there are so many little bumps along the way . But I am so thankful for those little moments of perfectness and so glad that I am sharing the ride , bumps and all , with this man that I love . Well , all in all , the new year is still fairly new , so we aren 't too behind in our holiday well - wishing ! We wish you all the best in the year to come . And as we do for every year , we hope to catch up with you somewhere along the road in the months to come . Happy New Year ! Rather than recap what we 've been up to , you can just reread all our old posts . Stimulating reading , I am sure . Or just hop on over to our Picasa slideshow , because as you know a picture speaks 1 , 000 words ! ( So wit our little album , I 'm saving you from reading about 85 , 000 words ! ) As I sit here writing on this appropriately gray , dreary day , I 'm listening to murder and mayhem outside my front window . I have my red curtains closed , but they are kind of sheer , so it gives the whole event an even more macabre feel . The tree guys are here . Our one big tree , which in the summer shades our upstairs as well as our entire backyard ( once the sun starts its descent ) , is being taken down . Yes , I know it is ( allegedly ) more than two - thirds rotten inside . Yes , I know it is leaning precariously over our upstairs bedroom . Yes , I know that silver maples are not really a pretty tree , at least in terms of fall color . Yes , I know we are getting three ( very small ) trees in its place . . . someday . But , it 's still a living ( barely ) tree that has been here probably more than 50 years ( how long does it take a silver maple to grow to be over 50 feet tall ? ) . Not to mention the fact that all fall I 've been watching a family of squirrels scurry around and stock their home with all sorts of goodies . And that home just happens to be in the big silver maple ( OK , so those squirrels probably contributed to its downfall , as their home is in the huge knot on the side of the tree . But still . ) And on top of all that , I know I will eventually be reprimanded by the batty woman who scolded me a month ago when she heard that the tree was slated to come down . Even though I told her that we are planting three trees in its place . Even though I know that since we moved in this past August , we have planted seven trees . She still scolded me . Like it was my fault the tree was dead . She is probably also one of those people who want to protect all the prairie dogs , even though they breed so fast and have so few natural predators , that in two years ' time they were able to turn a field of tall grasses into a barren dust bowl . Oops , how 'd I get off on that tangent ? So I 'm giving a little offering of thanks to our silver maple . We 've only enjoyed its shade for 4 months , but we will miss it . ( Though , admittedly , we won 't be missing all the dead braPosted by
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5 Comments » I know it seems like I haven 't been writing much for the past couple of weeks and that 's sort of true . You see , the thing is , I write for client 's and occasionally they would really like for me to concentrate on their priorities and well , ya know , not my own . Also , since in order to get the client 's I often have to write really long , tailored proposals I have to prioritize that writing over this . ( Good news though , the proposal paid off ! New client and a great project coming up for the next 6 months or so ! ! ) And sometimes good clients who are just trying to either save money or believe that someone who knows subject matter is better than someone who knows how to write , call me up because they realized through experience that believing the latter can really screw up the former . In other words , their person wasn 't producing quality work and someone had to fix it . That someone , in this instance , is me . In between all of this I 've had a couple of personal writing projects and , oh yeah , trying to have just a little bit of a life with my Beloved and my beloved friends . So , words , words , words have filled my head and my fingers but I have also endeavored to stay true to my camera and for the most part , am succeeding with only a minor hiccup or two here and there . First , this week 's Project 365 lessons : When in doubt , whip it out ! I caught a couple of really cool photos this week of things that I didn 't think were either going to work or that interesting . Not all of them made the cut here , but they are in my files and really , quite nifty . Personal integrity has to be monitored every f * # kin ' day . One day , I missed taking a photo and I swear the weirdest thought entered my mind - " Should I just use another photo from another day ? I mean after all , I 'm in the same damn places . " Good god , I scared myself . The answer is obvious , of course not ! It 's a damn personal project for my own freakin ' enjoyment and growth ! Yet there it was . Right in my head . Me - the fuckin ' paragon of integrity and virtue - and I 'm having subversive thoughts . Fortunately , character won out but there 's an evil little imp still kicking in there somewhere . Gotta stay frosty . I love vistas . I didn 't realize how much I just love the way the world looks until one day I opened my " dumping " folder and saw shot after shot of horizons , scenery , trees , lakes , flowers , sticks , etc . Not many people in my photos . I wonder if it means anything ? That said , without further ado , I present week four : Monday , Jan . 25 , 2010 - A bad freakin ' day On Monday , I launched myself into a writing project that had been on my mind and climbing up my back for a while . I was on a roll too . The words and the story just flowed and I was IN THE ZONE ! Bliss , I tell you . Bliss . Then , after four hours of so of total concentration , final spell check , grammar check , umpteenth proof read , review and approval by my Beloved I was ready to present the work for public consumption - AND MY COMPUTER ATE IT ! ! Actually , the on - line program I was working in ate it but never - the - less that sucker was gone for good . I raged . I actually cried . I went through the Five Stages of Grief , then finally accepted reality and realized I would have to start over the next day . Then to add insult to injury , I went to my karate class hoping to punch and kick my frustrations out only to remember that classes start an hour earlier the last week of the month . At that point , this was the only thing left to do . 25 - 365 - - One of those days Tuesday , Jan . 26 , 2010 - A night with the girls I have a fantastic friend in town and on occasion we call each other at the last - minute to meet at our local wine bar for drinks and chit chat . She and I are very similar in many ways and I just love hangin ' with her . On this particular night , her Mom and one of her mother 's friends were there , as was pretty much every mover and shaker in my little town . It seems that the local Historical Association , of which I used to be a board member , finally paid off a pretty big debt and was celebrating . There 's nothing like walking into your favorite haunt , surrounded by good friends and great acquaintances alike , and watching faces light up when they see you . I 'm a lucky , lucky girl . The shot is another of my " candlelight through glass and liquid " shots . I don 't think I ever tire of this type of image and I have no idea why . 26 - 365 _ A Night with the Girls Another interesting thing about this evening - completely unprompted by me - my girlfriend 's and a couple of the other local ladies within earshot told me that they think my Beloved Mike is , in fact , hot . Not in the " oh , he 's a nice , responsible man " way , but in the " if we weren 't married and / or if he wasn 't married to you , we ladies would definitely take a carnal interest . " Shrieks of not - very - chaste and definitely un - " ladylike " laughter filled our little corner of the bar . Gotta tell ya something , I LOVE that . Now maybe someone else might be jealous or worried or insulted or , or , or who the fuck knows what unflattering and unpleasant emotions go through people 's minds , but not me . He IS hot . And I consider their comments nothing but a compliment to him and an ' atta girl ! " to me . 🙂 It 's also nice to be a full , functioning person sometimes and not have to keep a veneer of civility plastered to your face . Keep ' em comin ' , ladies ! Wednesday , Jan . 27 , 2010 - Glass Pond As promised , I 'm going to probably end up with 30 to 40 shots of this particular pond just off my biking trail by the time the year is over . This morning , the temperature was in the mid - 60s - a little cool but not cold - and the sky was a hazy overcast and the wind was completely still as I started to whoosh by this image . There was almost no one on the trail that morning and I was pretty much by myself the entire ride , passing only a few of the regulars . I ended up riding the bike a little way up the gravel trail in order to shoot the picture from a different angle and ended up hanging out there for about five minutes ; but it felt like thirty . It was so completely still and almost silent ( except for the damn constant traffic noise from the highway about half a mile away ) that for a few minutes it seemed like time really did slow down . Awesome . 27 - 365 _ Glass Pond Thursday , Jan . 28 , 2010 - Uh , I got nuthin ' This was the day without a shot . I should have taken a photo of my pajama clad legs while I was sitting at my desk in front of my computer wondering how in the hell the person who had submitted the crappy script I was reading had the brass boobs to actually turn it in to her client and then CHARGE them for it . Oh . My . God . It was incomprehensible . It was grammatically and semantically a mess . It made no sense what - so - ever . I am still stunned but the sheer audacity of the piece of shit that the woman submitted with the phrase " I really have no idea what you 're looking for here . " How about competence ? How about textual beauty ? How about effectiveness at conveying concepts and fucking ideas ? Anyway , there was noooooo picture . Friday , Jan . 29 , 2010 - First Camellia Camellia 's are such a stereotypical Southern flower I knew when we finally landscaped our yard that I 'd be including a variety or two . I 've started with two plants of this white version . They are tucked under a sweeping Drake Elm and flank two massive Peace Lilly plants , who are currently struggling to recover from some nasty cold damage . The Lilly 's were covered , but those plants are just so tender … . The Camellia 's are also backed by a thick Viburnum hedge , next purple Ruellia , yellow Allamand , and close to a massive variegated Hibiscus . Towering above is 60 ′ - 70 ′ Lobloly Pine tree and a 40 ′ - 50 ′ Feather Palm that Mike and I planted as a pup . Add to the cacophony some variegated grasses , a huge Sago Palm , and a few other hardy weeds and a delicate little white flower about the size of my fist can get lost . But not this one . I spotted it across the damn lawn while I was zipping out on my bike that morning . There it was . White and proud and perfect . This little flower make my freakin ' day , I tell you . First Camellia of the season Saturday , Jan . 30 , 2010 - Lake Apopka , old Dock and Harbor I spent Saturday completely re - writing the aforementioned crappy script . I still had to go to the grocery store and get my nails done since Mike and I had an evening at a local club planned . Again , this scene is just on the other side of the block from us so I whipped down for a quick pic on my way to the salon . What you 're actually looking at here is a historic dock and harbor . In the 20s and 30s our little town was a very large producer of vegetables and citrus . Before the railway became , one of the primary ways to transport goods and people through Florida were the rivers and lakes . Fruit and vegetables would be loaded on to boats and small barges here , then transported north through a series of canals connecting Lake Apopka with the St . Johns River , and finally to the seaport in Jacksonville . And now it 's a park . Of course , there are a few folks who think we should tear out the little harbors because the City has to maintain them - and because , oh my god , what if someone falls off the bridges ? - but quite frankly , those people are idiots . Why we should destroy something so unique and beautiful becomes some cheap - ass bastards haven 't mastered the art of not falling down , I can 't imagine . I almost hope they do fall off the bridges where the alligators can at least solve part of my problem by removing them from my community . Of course , then some idiot will suggest we get rid of the poor ' gators . Sheesh . 30 - 365 _ Lake Apopka harbor and walking bridge 4 Comments » And we 're still running with the Project 365 initiative ! So far , I haven 't missed a day , but have come damn close ; some photos look like they were shot at midnight for a reason . More lesson 's learned so far : There are wayyyyy more things to take pictures of than I ever realized . Beauty is abundant ; interesting things are abundant ; time is limitted . Take the fuckin ' picture anyway . This chance isn 't coming back . Same can be said of lots of things . Many of the photos aren 't what they seem . There is way more to the story than I can , or in some cases want , to divulge . The same can be said of people . iPhones take pretty good photos and I think its limitations helps to improve the shots . No zooming , no adjusting for light , no flash . The only thing that drives me nuts is it isn 't " point and shoot " in that there is a HUGE lag between " deciding " you want to take a picture of something the " shutter click . " I 've been able to capture things that are still , but moments are elusive and often lost . So without further ado - Sunday , Jan . 17 , 2010 We live in the perfect neighborhood in a practically perfect little town . I shot this one block from our house on the shore of Lake Apopka in Florida . ( Side note - Lake Apopka is in the process of being renewed after years of pollution that almost killed the lake . A slow process , but an important one . ) It 's a city park as well as the public boat ramp , the City auditorium , the City pool , etc . are all located right here . They have concerts in the park and shoot off the 4th of July fireworks from here every year . I took this at sunset looking across the boat ramp . Mike and I often come down here just to catch the sunset , which , by the way , you can also see out our front door . 17 - 365 Lake Apopka , January Sunset _ 01 - 17 - 10 Monday Jan . 18 , 2010 A couple of blocks from our house , we have a " Rails to Trails " park where bike - riders , joggers , tri - athletes , etc . all come to enjoy making their bodies do something . In addition to running through the center of our little downtown , it has some GREAT scenic places as well . This is a little pond , just off the trail , with a gravel running / walking path around it . It 's winter and right after a recent freeze so the plants are barely hanging in there . This was the first day this year I was able to get back out there on my bike . I usually ride 5 or 6 days a week , so expect to see something like this a lot as the seasons change . FYI - there are plenty of alligators in this pond as well ! Thanks to being in Florida and Lake Apopka just a few hundred yards away , it 's wise to keep your eyes peeled around here ! 18 - 365 _ West Orange Trail Pond _ 01 - 18 - 10 Tuesday Jan 19 , 2010 Same pond , next day . a little earlier . Like I said , get used to seeing this one . 19 - 365 _ West Orange Trail Pond _ 01 - 19 - 10 On another note , the bike ride is part of my fitness routine but also part of my spiritual and relationship routines as well . Mike and I usually ride together unless one of us is unavailable and on this morning , it was just me . On these days , it really is about soaking it all in - experiencing the air , the day , the thoughts that come and go , the ideas , the emotions , the memories . Wednesday , Jan . 20 , 2010 I 'm very lucky to travel for my work and to work at some of the coolest places and with some of the most interesting people . I had to go to Miami to review a script with a client . This shot was taken in the courtyard between the Museum of History , the Museum of Art , and the Library . FYI - This piece is a collage , not a painting and it is over 30 feet tall . The sun was setting and the colors jumped off the wall . I didn 't do any color tweaking here . 2 - 365 _ Outside the Miami Art Museum _ 012010 Just as a reference , here 's a picture I took in early December of the same piece but at a different time of day . Check out my Honey , lower center and slightly to the right . A big - ass piece of art . . . right out there for God and everybody to see . Dec . 2009 I have a favored friend who graciously allows me to come to her home from time to time to socialize , talk politics , sex , and money and just hang out with a real cool group of friends . The gal in the photo is a bonus . The daughter of one of my friends , I 'm pleased to think of her as my friend as well . She is an amazing young woman with a true gift for photography . And cool , funky hair . And she plays a mean game of cards . Don 't be fooled , this girl is a bad - ass . 21 - 365 _ A Friend _ 012110 Friday , January 22 , 2010 This is one of those nights when I didn 't stop to take a picture during the day and ended up with self - portraiture . This is a partial photo of the tattoo on my thigh . I gave the artist one of my old acting headshots and told him what I wanted - me as the Grim Reaper . If you want to know more of the story , read here . I LOVE my tattoo . 22 - 365 _ My Tattoo - CU - greywash - - Classic _ 012210 PS - If you 're one of those annoying souls who can 't look at a tattoo - a permanent and in my case beloved piece of art forever and happily attached to my body - and not utter the dumbass phrase " I usually don 't like tattoos but … . " please STFU . Would you look a person in the face and say " ya know , I usually don 't care for red hair and freckles but they 're OK on you . " Jeezus . Future tip for you folks : if someone proudly shows you something and you don 't prefer it , smile and say something along the lines of " My , that 's really interesting . " If you 're feeling particularly gracious add something like " Tell me about it . " Honest to goodness , you 'd think some people were born in a freakin ' barn . Saturday , Jan 23 . 2010 The story behind this bird bath is , like so many things , too long to tell here . But to sum up : we found it , in pieces , laying in the yard when we bought our house eleven years ago . It was just broken , cheap , gray concrete and we could have replaced it for about $ 15 dollars . Instead , we bought $ 30 worth of concrete adhesive , another $ 25 - $ 30 of concrete stain , and I put that sucker back together and stuck it in the yard for the birds . Now that we 've COMPLETELY RENOVATED OUR HOME AND YARD , creating the Southern Living home of my dreams , the cheap - ass bird bath is where ? Right in the place of honor - proudly centered in front of the front - freakin ' - door . Oh , and it 's broken again . When the guys were putting in the new sod they knocked it over and broke the basin off the pedestal . Right now , it 's just balanced up there . But the birds love it . No taste , those freakin ' birds . 23 _ 365 _ The Birdbath _ 012310 Sunday , Jan . 24 , 2010 Another find . This Staghorn Fern is enormous . It 's about seven feet across and about 18 ′ - 20 ′ in diameter . It , too , we found lying neglected in the yard when we bought the house . We made a new hoist for it ( you can see a little bit of the chain to the left of the lower hole ) and hung it from one of our Oak trees . Again , the local fauna can 't leave things alone . The holes you see were actually put there by the squirrels ; basically , they 're created a nice , home - y , comfy condo for themselves in there , the little bastards . The fact that it looks like a face and that face appears to be saying " Hey , uh , Stasha , go fix me a sandwich " is just icing on the cake . 24 - 365 _ Staghorn Face _ 012410 And that 's it , Ladies and Gents ! Another week in the life ! There were lots of other photos that didn 't make the cut but I want to leave you with one bonus from my self - portrait session . I was trying to take a picture of my neck , chest and the piece of costume jewelry I was wearing but it wasn 't turning out the way I hoped . But then I noticed the bruise on my left breast in this picture and yes , it 's an example of what I was talking about in my last post , put there by one of my karate partners . if you look closely , you can also see one near my collar bone . Little badges of honor . Project 365 reject - Cheap jewelry - - but the shot is cool for other reasons . 6 Comments » For those of you who aren 't aware of it , it hurts to get punched in the face . It 's also not a lot of fun to take a knee to the thigh or a kick to the tits . But take it I do ; and no , I 'm not an abused wife , masochist or BDSM aficionado ( though as far as I 'm concerned , there 's nothing wrong with the latter two if that 's your thing ) . You see , I fight as part of my karate training . I 'm not very good at it - sparring , that is - but I suit up , shut up , and get my butt in the ring with grown men ( and one other woman ) and do my best to kick their asses . Every now and then , I land a really good punch and a few times I 've knocked a few of ' em down . Or maybe they tripped . Who cares , I still got the credit ! - and that part I LOVE . We usually fight in two - minute rounds which doesn 't sound like a long time until you 're a minute and thirty seconds into it , wheezing like an asthmatic , and trying to remember to " block AND punch , " or " block AND kick . " On the edge of the ring is Sensei , shouting out every damn thing you 're doing wrong , " Keep your hands UP ! " " Don 't let him back you into a corner ! " " Follow up with a kick ! A KICK ! Jesus , you have feet ! Remember ! ! ! Ai , yi , yi ! ! " ( Sensei is Puerto Rican and the former US Army Martial Arts Champion and all around bad - ass . ) When Sensei is in a particular mood or when we 're testing for the next belt level , we fight the gauntlet . One person takes the center ring then the rest of the classmates and the two black - belt assistants ( 10 people total ) fight that one person , 30 seconds at a time . So that means , one person fights continuously for 5 minutes all the while getting a fresh , non - tired opponent every thirty seconds . I love it because it scares the hell out of me . I KNOW it is going to hurt ; and I get in there anyway . I know my opponents are bigger , stronger , and often better than me ; and I face off against them anyway . I know it is unlikely that I will ever compete in a tournament or actually be IN a " real " fight ; and I work hard to get better anyway . I love it because it makes me stronger . Not just physically , which it does , but fighting increases my mental toughness . In addition to the fear , when you get hit , the pain starts a cascade effect of chemical reactions in the body . The first thing I have to overcome is choosing " fight " over " flight . " I have to decide to fight back therefore over - riding years of social conditioning that taught me to run away from things that make me uncomfortable or difficult or painful . Looking through my raised gloves , protecting my face , I see the jab come straight in ; step and lean back , the fist pops my head back but then I explode forward into the red zone to return a front kick into his ribs . I love it because it makes me more calculating and less reactionary . When someone is punching and kicking you , the first reaction is to simply lash out , swing back , and try to connect a fist or a foot with some soft tissue , and that 's a good way to lose and lose fast . You have to watch your opponent , see what he 's going to do , predict what is coming your way . You have to learn quickly what he does over and over and what opening he usually presents because we all present an opening sooner or later . He always fakes two steps , lift and fake , lift and fake . After the second fake he brings up a rear leg roundhouse . I turn in and take the kick to the gut as he over steps the angle , leaving his chest wide open for side kick . When it 's there , you have to attack it . I love it because it calms my mind . A person purposefully hurting you usually causes anger . Again , it 's a chemical and justifiable reaction when someone is trying to hit you but one you CAN control ; you don 't have to get mad even though it 's easy to do . The more of their moves that connect the calmer I have to be ; in fact , I often try to focus to the point that time slows down so I can see the kick coming , block it with my left forearm , while pulling power from the ground up through my leg , butt , and back , down my arm and returning a vicious right cross . I love it because we learn from each other even while we 're hurting each other . My partner is my opponent , not my enemy . He too , is a student and though often more adept than me , he is learning as well . He tries but can 't always pull his punches enough not to send my flying backwards on to my ass and sometimes lands a hard punch square to my face mask . I sometimes flail back , landing punches to the face or below the belt . We know the problem is a lack of skill not a lack of intelligence and certainly not a lack of character . Hands up , palms out . We back up , breathe deep , and circle around looking for our next opening . I love it because it isn 't soft or nurturing . Sensei 's encouragement is aggressive and no holds barred . He has no interest in being supportive and he isn 't going to be nice . " That hurt ? Well don 't just stand there and take another ! Hit him ! " " Good one ! Make ' im feel it . Don 't let him think he shouldn 't be afraid of you . " When coaching my opponent , " Don 't worry about the fact she 's a girl , get your foot up there ! " " Strike harder , she 's not made of glass and if she is , tough shit ! That 's her problem , not yours ! " At the end of two minutes ( or five ! ) I usually have spit running down my chin because the mouth protector is hard to swallow around ; my body is dripping with sweat ; I have at least two or three new bruises , usually on my thighs or shoulders , where there is no padding . My partner and I touch gloves , bow , and leave the ring where we then slide down the wall into a semi - sitting / squatting position to remove our head - gear . We catch our breath , drink some water , then stand back up to cheer on the next two combatants . Every time I spar , every single time , I get better . And the improvements carry over into life . I face down fears , especially painful ones , head on . I am mentally and physically tougher in all my dealings , whether it 's dealing with the beaurocrats at City Hall or with an obnoxious sales clerk , I stand my ground . In an argument or a debate with the same beaurocrat or clerk , I look for the opening I need and when it is presented , I attack . I no longer easily accept someone else 's limited responses as an appropriate response . I rarely get mad at " opponents " or people who are standing between me and getting results . I am not reduced to anger by someone merely striking out at me verbally . I don 't expect my partners ( husband , friends , and general acquaintances ) not to hurt me . They are learning too . But I do expect them to get better , and to pull their punches . If they don 't , then they aren 't partners . I don 't listen for gentle encouragement , but instead hear an inner voice shouting out to me from ring - side , " Get in there , Stasha ! ! Kick some ass ! " Sat . Jan . 9 , 2010 - A Night at Vue Mike , my Beloved Guitar playin ' hubby , has been asked to sub in another band . On Sat . eve we went to a local club to check out the band to see if he 's interested ( yes , he is ) and it turned out to be a great night ! Wine for me , gin and tonic for Mike , I didn 't ( and he doesn 't ) smoke ! Music , dancing , laughing , saw a few folks we know . Overall , fantastic . Mike and I hadn 't been to a club ( except for one other back in Dec . ) in a long time . ( iPhone ) 9 - 365 - - A Night at Vue Sun . Jan . 10 , 2010 - Power _ Fantasy of Flight A friend and client of ours happens to own the largest private collection of vintage aircraft in the world . Another good friend happens to be his chief mechanic who rebuilds , rehabs , and repairs the planes and engines . This engine is for a Benoist Flying Boat and will be part of a display commemorating the first commercial flight that took place in Tampa , FL in 1914 . ( iPhone ) This is the shot I used for Project 365 : 10 - 365 _ Power - Fantasy of Flight That happened to be the day that the surprise I wanted for Mike 's birthday ( Jan . 4 ) finally came together . Our friend who owns the collection , Kermit Weeks , does demonstration flights and I 'd asked him if he could take Mike up on flight . Good man that he is , he said " Yes ! " The plane for this little adventure is WWII fighter trainer called a Texas T - 6 ( among other names ) . Here 's a photo of a very happy husband after his flight . Oh , and by the way , I am " the best wife ever ! " ( iPhone ) A happy hubby ! Mon . Jan . 11 , 2010 _ Indulgence # 1 I have several indulgences and this is one of ' em : I LOVE tub baths . I have candles , wine , chocolates , and a book ( in this case " The Brass Verdict " by Michael Connelly , actually a signed copy ! ) and I will soak in it for hours . The room by the way , is also pretty cool . I designed it for our home renovation . The tub is a second - hand find that Mike and I restored and re - enamled . The vanity is a piece of reclaimed granite that we found at local granite company 's bone yard ; the supports under the granite are twisted rebar that a friend of my father 's , a metal - smith , made for us ; the sink was the cheapest thing they had at Home Depot . Tuned out pretty cool , I think . ( Kodak Easyshare ) Tues . Jan . 12 , 2010 _ More Tools These are more of my " tools . " I track what I eat and no , I don 't really consider it a hardship . But since in order to eat between 1k and 1 . 2k caolories per day , you HAVE to know exact amounts . I know some folks think that 's pretty restrictive to measure all your food , but to me , it 's a comfort . I know EXACTLY what the f * # k goes in my mouth , so when some moron doctor tries to say " Are you sure you 're not eating more than you should ? " I don 't feel bad when I knock his teeth down his throat . ( Kodak Easyshare ) 12 - 365 _ More Tools _ 011210 Wed . Jan . 13 , 2010 - Stained Glass # 2 This is a segment of another stained glass window in my house , this one 's in the stairwell . They are wonderfully cool , but I have to say I had nothing to do with putting them there ; they came with the house . This window also faces West , but because of the way our house is built , it 's hard to see from the street . It 's kind of a secret window . ( iPhone ) 13 - 365 _ Stained Glass II _ 011310 Thurs . Jan . 14 , 2010 _ Almost in the Pocket Mike and I had spent the afternoon at the rehab center ( nice name for " nursing home " ) visiting his rehabing Dad . Afterwords we decided to check out a little sports bar on that side of town that we 'd heard about and shoot a round or two of pool . We rarely do this ! LOL I was stripes ; he was solids . And THIS is how I set him up for the damn shot ! ( iPhone ) 14 - 365 _ Almost in the Pocket _ 011410 Fri . Jan . 15 , 2010 In Zella Lee 's China Cabinet This is from my china cabinet . The pieces you see , as well as the cabinet , are from my maternal grandmother who I blogged about . I took the shot through the curved , blown glass cabinet front and love that you can see the lights from the chandelier as well as the french doors in the reflection . ( iPhone ) 15 - 365 _ In Zella Lee 's China Cabinet Sat . Jan . 16 , 2010 - The Case We have a fantastic French restaurant and bakery in our little Southern downtown . Once a week , after a bike ride , we like to stop here for breakfast . I usually don 't eat this for breakfast though ! They also have fantastic crepes , Quiche , eggs , OMG it 's sooooo good ! ( iPhone ) 16 - 365 _ The Case _ 011610 Well folks , that 's all for now ! I promise to have another written post up soon but been a bit busy as of late . Will get back to the writing thing soon ! 7 Comments » First a quick update on the Dad ( s ) situation . You read that right , we 've now got TWO of them off - line . On Wednesday evening this week , we found out my 81 - year old Father - in - Law ( FIL ) fell and broke his femur . Great googley - moogley , what the hell ! ? Anyway , FIL is currently unable to walk and has just been transferred to a rehab center / nursing home where hopefully the bone will heal and in a few months he 'll be able to walk again with a cane or walker . Right now he can 't and boy , does it suck . Another reminder of what we all get to look forward to in our " Golden Years " he says . This shot didn 't make my Project 365 cut . It was also taken at Mama and Daddy 's house . Daddy finally got an appointment with a neuro - phychologist who confirmed what we already know ( memory and verbal centers damaged ) and we 're hoping to start working on a new plan . However , there was one worrisome bit - this time when asked who the president he said " Osama . " Mama told him he was off by a letter but it 's still troubling . He had been getting this question right though we weren 't sure if it was because he remembered or because he learned . Either way , it 's a bit of a set back . By the way , I highly recommend " My Stroke of Insight " by Taylor if you know anyone who 's had a stroke . But enough of all that for now ! Back to me , me , me ! ! In response to a great idea by my buddy Hubman , I 've decided to participate in Project365 where you commit to taking and posting a photo every day of the year for one year . I don 't have a fancy camera , just my iPhone and my old 4 mega pixel Kodak Easyshare but never - the - less , I 'm in . Rather than posting here everyday , my plan is to put up the week 's photos on the weekend . ( Oh , and I didn 't get anything for Jan . 1 so I started on the 2nd . ) Click here to see this week 's photos . Enjoy ! ( more … ) 1 Comment » [ Jan . 4 2010 - Odd thing just happened . This post disappeared from WordPress so I 'm reposting it . Apologies to all of you who already read it and commented . I 'll try to find the comments too . ] And 2009 is … . . outa here ! ! Enter 2010 ! Not to slag on ' 09 or anything , but damn ! But before I get into all of that - an update on Daddy : The good news ! ! - He appears to be recovering some of the usual thought processes but also his sense of humor . He even jokes about it , " Let 's head over to church and see who else I don 't remember . " Names and past events are a problem but he is certainly able to engage . The bad news - The personality shift is very apparent and , if not permanent , will take a while to recover . He will engage in conversation but only if you engage him first . Otherwise , he 'll sit in silence . His curiosity and desire to explore and expand his understanding of people and places is simply gone . He 's " Daddy - lite " so to speak . And that 's part of the problem with wrapping up a year on such a crappy note . You look back through a haze of negatives and the only things that seem to stand out are more items that match it . Well , to hell with that . On New Years eve , as my Beloved and I sat on our back porch , drinking vino and otherwise recovering from the week and year , I decided to focus on only the good things that came out of the year and I must say , it was quite a cool list . And since I 'm not much of a " resolutions " kinda gal , I decided that my plan was to identify what really worked for me last year and to do more of it all the while making note of those things that I realize no longer serve a purpose , and cut that shit out wherever possible . So with that in mind , a few highlights : Oct . 2009 - - Testing for my Green Belt in Karate . Yeah , I passed . I conquered a demon last year - body image . After four decades of self loathing , I 'd had enough and discovered I didn 't have to wait until I was thin happy with my body to start enjoying it . I still don 't think I can accurately describe the positive change this even brought to my ( and Mike 's ) life . With that in mind , in 2010 I plan to remain vigilant on this . It 's possible this monster isn 't dead but just resting will creep back into my life . I will not let that happen in ' 10 . I will visit more nude resorts when I have the time and write about the experiences ; I will buy and wear attractive and sexy clothes ; I will flirt shamelessly and will welcome the attention that it brings . I 've earned it . SIDEBAR : After the body - image epiphany I actually lost about 20 pounds . Yippeee ! I plan to lose another 20 - 30 in 2010 . But here 's the thing - in 09 I discovered the only way it works for me . 1 ) Total caloric intake daily average : 1000 - 1200 . 2 ) Total caloric expenditure per day [ exercise and base metabolism ] : 2200 - 2400 . 3 ) Gross average weight - loss per week : 1 / 2 to 1 pound . You read that right , cowkids ; it takes having an AVERAGE caloric deficit of roughly 1000 - 1200 calories per day for me to lose almost a pound in a week . Sucks , doesn 't it ? I also realized that event did more than conquer fat - fear , it proved to me that I can conquer any fear , any self - imposed limitation , without any help from anyone . Mike and I 've talked at great length about how much it hurt that he can 't or won 't embrace something that finally works for me . He says he 's ambivalent about it . But I don 't want to go explore this new and awesome experience with an " ambivalent " companion by my side so my option is to continue on alone or to forgo it altogether and once again wait for someone else 's " approval " to live my life fully . In his defense , he says he 's perfectly fine if I go solo but I 'm not sure how well that will stick if I start to develop friendships , spend money , and otherwise createFirst , they were all spent getting to know people . One day in particular I spent on a wildlife refuge in Wyoming with an uber - awesome park ranger . She took me on a 5 - hour tour and it felt like we were the only two people on the freakin ' planet . In that time we chatted about life , nature , work , art , etc . and it was time well spent . By far one of the best days not only of the year , but of the past several . More of this please . I also expanded our local circle of friends . We had more dinner parties and I invited people we wanted to know better ; we attended regular parties ( one group in particular - Nutsy , anyone ? ) , we met more friends and neighbors for drinks at our local watering hole . I 'm also making a wide range of interesting discoveries in the blogosphere - fascinating and wonderful people . Some are old friends I never really knew until I started reading their blogs , others are folks that have reconnected with me and we send private emails back and forth now , still others are new and growing friendships with people who are at the same time radically different but remarkably similar to me . More , more , more please ! ! Jan . 2009 Hancock Shaker Village Massachusettes . Beatiful ! But cold ! ! The second thing about most of the aforementioned " great days " was they included my camera . Now I 've never been great at taking pictures ; not because the shots don 't turn out , but because I forget to take them . But I 've gotten some fantastic images this past year and want to take more . My beloved was going to get me a new camera for my birthday but we can 't find exactly what I want to I 'm going to continue with my old 4 mega pixel Kodak and iPod but I 've decided to follow Hubman and Emmy 's example and participate in Project 365 this year . I may do a post a week here with the week 's shots all at once rather than once per day . I 'll still try to upload daily on the Flicker site , but we 'll see how that goes . The second to last most wonderful thing about 2009 was the intensely increased communication between my Beloved and me . Though a complicated series of events , we became closer , discovered what real honest marital communication feels like ( both good and bad ) and consequently have become much closer and more committed than ever before . That 's not to say that all is hunky - dory fairy - tale story perfect around here . In what marriage is it ever ? But I certainly want this part of who we are to continue growing . On the more challenging side , it is intensely difficult and frightening to share your inner self with someone , even someone you love and trust . The potential for hurt magnifies right along with the potential for understanding . It 's worth it , but it still hurts . It also means laying bare your innermost desires , dreams , hopes , and fears before someone to ridicule or be repulsed by . It also means offering them an oportunity to help you make them come true . And for you to do the same for them . What an awesome responsibility . What a frightening sense of vulnerability . And finally , full circle , to Daddy 's stroke and Granddaddy 's death . The latter was a longtime coming , and his passing was life - changing but also a relief . The former was a bolt out of the fucking blue and I 'm still reeliSo in 2010 , I am not resolved to do any more than to simply do more of what seems to work . I will work harder , play more , be more aware in my travels , more eager to embrace all the good that comes my way . I will deal with challenges in the only way I know how , one day at a time - and be more attentive to the beauty and grace that appears to follow me around . I will love my friends more and will continue to hold my Beloved close to my heart as we journey on together . Happy New Year ! Stasha Read Full Post »
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I really am extremely ignorant when it comes to plant life . For example , I never knew that there were so many different types of mint . We were at the botanic gardens today and there was an entire area dedicated to the various mints . I enjoyed this the most because they encouraged visitors to pick the leaves and have a sniff . The most memorable were the Chocolate Mint and this Eau De Cologne Mint . They really smelt like their names ! The brief visit reminded me not to get stuck in a rut and to keep observing and enjoying this world we live in . Yes , a baby takes up time but there must always be learning and a sense of freshness to our lives . Its so easy to keep walking around in this fog I 'm in . . . . I really do forget to observe and digest . One of the baby sleep books I 'm reading recommends exposure to the sun ( with protection of course ) to help improve a baby 's sleep . It is true ! It was raining all of last week so there was no going out . This week , we have been to a park every day and he has dropped his night time wake - ups from 4 - 5 times / night last week to 2 - 3 times / night these past few nights . Perhaps it is the combination of high carb foods for dinner , sun exposure , and dimming the lights at home 2 hrs prior to bedtime . Whatever it is , I 'm sticking with this routine until it breaks . ( Which will probably be tonight since I wrote about it here ) Here he is in the park . Discovering grass . How it feels , smells and TASTES . Not sure what he was trying to do but he was hanging on to my legs from behind and kept playing peek - a - boo . I think he thought it was funny to see me upside down . This is the view from where I was looking . I saw this meme at Table for Five and I 'm in need of something light and happy to post about after a rollercoaster day so , here it is . Christmas Eve really is my favourite day of the year . I like the anticipation of Christmas but the day itself always seems anti climatic because of all my anticipation . Anyway . . . What is your favorite Christmas gift ? I 'm hard to shop for . So , nothing in particular . What makes me happy are the gifts from my husband that come with thought and preparation . Doesn 't matter what the gift actually is . What is your best memory of Christmas ? Christmas carolling in Ipoh , Malaysia around 1988 . I was in the church choir and we went from house to house in an old school bus overloaded with happy , laughing friends . It was the only time of the year that I was allowed out until past midnight . Depending on where you live , do you have a hot or cold Christmas ? I 've spent 28 in Malaysia ( hot ) , 1 in Australia ( hot ) and 1 in Switzerland ( cold but disappointingly , not white ) . Would you prefer to try the opposite weather at least just once ? I am still waiting for a White Christmas . Songs are sung about it , movies always show Christmas with snow . . . . Yes , I 'm easily influenced but I really must give it a go . What do you prefer in a tree ? Fake or real ? Never had a real one but I think I 'd prefer a fake one . It just seems very messy to have a real one . What is your favorite Christmas Carol ? Maybe O Holy Night . I can 't pick just one because I like them all . REALLY . I wait all year to listen to them . I start listening from around October because I feel that listening only in December is too short a duration . What is your favorite Christmas Dinner ? Christmas is a time for family get togethers . Chinese New Year is also that kind of time . The get togethers are always in my grandmother 's house and she has a set reunion menu ( aka CNY food ) . Rice with the following dishes : warm cuttlefish salad , slow cooked pigs tails with beanpaste sauce , roast pork chinese style , omellette with carrots , cabbage and pork ( this one is actuallyPosted by " Hey Aaron , lets stand up . C ' mon . " I pull him to the standing position . " OK . Now . . . . clap your hands . " He claps , standing unassisted . " Alright , come here now " Left foot , right foot , bum . He WALKED ! CONGRATULATIONS ! Aaron has taken his first steps . We were playing in the park with his trolley when it happened . It was completely unexpected because I was just teasing him so it was all the more amazing to watch . I 'm sure this is just the first of many surprises . Lets hope the thrilling ones will outnumber the shockers . An hour later , Aaron was screaming through his dinner ( overtired I think ) yet I was deaf to it all . I just sat there and fed him whenever I could get the spoon in . I didn 't bother to talk to him or empathise in any way . I even scanned through some junk mail as I waited for an opportunity to get the food in . How do you go from being the happiest / proudest mother around to an insensitive zombie in one hour ? Easy . Working hours from 5am - 8pm and on call hours from 8pm - 5am . Couple that with rushed meals , a physically demanding day - long workout , no private bathroom time and no days off and you have the answer . But , its the end of today and tomorrow is always new and improved . A nice hot shower ( after I wash the plates , sweep and steam the floor , fold the laundry and hang up the next load ) will make me feel better . Even if I go to bed grumpy and worn out , Aaron 's cheeky grin and wake up call at 5am tomorrow morning should set me right again . 5am is early but its the time of the day that I most enjoy with him . Yesterday 's post about my brother 's visit generated quite a few comments . It looks like all over the world , no matter how " violent " the childhood relationship between siblings are , people end up being the brothers and sisters their parents had imagined . Most people anyway . Anyway , as soon as my brother stepped into the house , Aaron let out a little squeal and looked at my brother as if he were a long lost friend . We were all confused . Aaron has hardly spent any time with him yet he recognised him . Is it possible that the family photos that my mother has been showing Aaron everyday have somehow made this connection of familiarity ? Aaron loved every minute with my brother and kept showing him all the ' tricks ' he could do . Clapping his hands , touching his head , singing . . . . . . it was really strange . No , thats not him . Thats the cartoon character he 's been drawing since he was in primary school . I found that one under our house and then another one on the neighbor 's driveway ! He was a really cheeky little monkey . Anyway , he 'll be visiting us for one night tonight . 20 years ago , I couldn 't stand living with him and yet today , I CLEANED the house just because he 's coming . Tomorrow I will cook breakfast for him ! Sheesh ! What happened ? ! We used to fight and FIGHT . . . and FIGHT . Now we get along famously . ( Ha ha . . . I like saying that . . . famously ) Can 't remember where I read it but it sounds like from some Famous Five story . How does that happen ? Fight for the first 15 years , go off to study and work , meet up again after a few years and then not fight anymore . Seriously , I don 't think we 've had a fight since we both lived at home . . . . . . probably just small disagreements . Maybe we just don 't see enough of each other . We spent an action packed afternoon at Orleigh Park today . It really made me wish that Aaron could walk because the playground was designed for children to explore . Weeell , I only half wished it because everything has its time and he will walk eventually and I 'll probably wish he didn 't . But when he CAN walk , I 'll definitely be spending time in this park . There were trails , bridges , an oasis . . . . up and down terrain . Really fun stuff for anyone learning to walk . This area in the playground seemed specially designed for younger children . The slides were more gradual and everything things seemed lower . The long pink slide is actually the tongue of a big green frog . The grandfather on the left is leaning on it so you can 't really see it in the picture . I like that beautiful tree in the center . Here 's Aaron sliding down the tongue . I think I 'll just let go completely next time . He 's getting the hang of slides . . . . How often do you look in the mirror ? How long do you look in the mirror each time you do take a look ? Do you look at your reflection as you walk past windows ? Many people feel uncomfortable about admitting to looking at themselves in a reflection at every opportunity . Should we be ? There 's really nothing wrong to it as long as you 're not doing it to criticise yourself or point out every little flaw . If you feel like it , just look . Thats what I do . And take a look at Aaron . I pushed him to the part of the glass where the poster wasn 't hanging but he insisted on coming to this gold pole and staring at his reflection instead . I wonder why it is that as we grow up ( or perhaps its only me ) we start to think that looking at ourselves in the mirror is something too vain to do . While my father is one that has no qualms about looking in every reflection , my mother is always giving me the impression that there is really no need to constantly check yourself out . I 'm a mixture of the both of them . I look at my reflection while thinking that I shouldn 't need to worry about how I look . Usually , I 'm just making sure that I 'm standing straight and not walking with my head in front of my toes . Sunnybank is the unofficial Chinatown of Brisbane . The real one is in the city but Sunnybank is where a lot of Chinese like to live . All sorts of Chinese from various countries like Taiwan , Hong Kong , Malaysia and Indonesia hang out in this suburb . So you can imagine how lively and busy the local mall there is . We went to a Chinese restaurant there for Yum Cha ( or Dim Sum as some people call it ) yesterday . Food was only so so but the line of people waiting to be seated overflowed outside . Aaron allowed me my two bites to eat and after that , we went off exploring . I came across the parents room at the food court . It was a small one with only a single change table and two single chairs for feeding . There was the usual extra large restroom . There isn 't much to say about this room really . It served its purpose but wasn 't anywhere cosy that you 'd like to spend too much time in . Also , the deodorizer was a little bit tooooo strong . I really don 't know what all the fuss is about . Wouldn 't you rather have a nice dry behind instead of a soaking wet one ? Diaper changes with Aaron are becoming increasingly difficult . Getting the diaper off is pretty easy because I just take it off when he 's standing at the gate to our room . To get the next one ON , I need to have him lying down . However , each time I put him down , he just flips over and is on all fours in half a second . If you 've seen a dog spring up from the lying down position to standing on all fours . . . . . that 's what he looks like . In the next half second , he 's grinning at me and scuttling away . Yes , I know he 's just playing with me but the game usually ends in tears because I end up having to hold him down firmly which obviously isn 't very fun . Yesterday , I finally decided to try some ' angry voices ' . They didn 't work all that well , and I think I got too carried away and communicated too much anger . He gave it back to me by waking up every single hour last night . I couldn 't get angry at himthen because it appeared that he was hurt and kept clinging to me as if I would leave him . Same thing happened all day today . . . . . wouldn 't let me out of his sight . I 'll have to think of some other way to get these diaper changes under control . Its also started me wondering about the sort of disciplining approach I should take . He is really starting to test his boundaries and our limits now . OMG ! I hope this isn 't the start of my grey hairs . . . . John Eaton ! This man is a genius . He is a person with incredible talent and passion for his work ( and for life ) . His pre - cut consultation is not limited to just looking at your head . He takes into account how your hair is in relation to your shoulders and hips too ! Who wouldn 't want to know that their hair length affects how wide their hips appeared ? He knows hair inside and out ! We had discussions about how breastfeeding changes the way hair behaves and also how baby hair is without its core . John works at Tony Mitchell Hair on Tuesdays , Thursdays and Friday and the rest of the week he paints , cooks and tends to his garden . This is a person who really has a balanced life . Sure , a hair cut by him has cost me too much to mention here but since the last cut from him , I have waited 2 years for a haircut . I had to cheat and get a cheap trim in Ipoh back in December but apart from that , I haven 't had any other haircuts because I have been waiting to come back here for a totally satisfying haircut . Nothing is worse than going to the hair salon excited and returning home raging from the disappointment . Some people say that hair is just hair and that it will grow back . This is true but I just can 't subscribe to that thought . Hair is what frames your face and presents you to the world . For some people , a bad hair day can really dampen their outlook on everything . On the flipside , a good hair day can boost confidence by 100 % . I 'm one of those people . In fact , I remember needing to wash and blowdry my hair before each exam I sat for in university . Even if I had spent the entire night cramming and had bloodshot eyes with dark circles around them , none of that mattered if I had great hair . I was 19 and that was the only way I could fully concentrate on the exam : ) So , for the past year , I have had probably 300 bad hair days because of you - know - who . But , enough of blaming him . Today , I look good enough to be in a L ' Oreal advertisement . Boring Amanda armchair Amanda Blue butterfly Amanda fountain in Helsinki Amanda Guesthouse at 4 Harold Street , Dover , Kent CT16 1SF England UK Amanda basin ? ! ? ! I got this fun meme from 3 Wild Monkeys . I 'm tagging anybody who feels like having some fun . 1 ) Go to Google . 2 ) Click on Google images . 3 ) Type in your name and search . 4 ) The original meme was for people who shared your name but I chose to do mine on things I didn 't know my name was associated with . Anyway , post your images and leave a link back here . 5 ) Pass it on . I 've checked out another mall and the Parents Room there . The one they had at Indooroopilly was very big . The biggest so far with about 6 change tables and 3feeding cubicles . They also had a gated area where you can leave your other children safely . And of course , it looks like the huge restroom I mentioned at DFS is in all parents rooms . OK . So it was big . But that , and the fact that it exists , are the only goodpoints here . The place was not well lit . The furniture looked like usedoffice furniture that somebody was trying to get rid of . And , I thinktheir deodorizer was not working . I didn 't really get a good feel from the place . Still , if you need a quiet place , with hardly any distractions , to feed your baby , this place will do . In my early 20s , I used to think that ' nice ' was a word people used when they were too lazy to think of anything more descriptive . Now , I 'm starting to feel as if the word ' nice ' is not used enough in our sarcastic and cynical world . Then , out of the blue , I get a lovely surprise from Elizabeth at Table for Five with this award : In fact , she has been the nice one to me by always offering to help and ALWAYS replying to my comments even though I think she is one crazy busy blogger and mom . The award was designed by Genevieve at Bella Enchanted and I would like to pass it on to the following people for being nice enough to frequently leave comments on my blog . I know there are few non bloggers out there who comment and I think they deserve this award too . To the guys . . . . its a pretty award but look past that and at what it stands for instead . Thank You to all these nice people : EvelynNumber Jean Luc PicardBilboJeank8SerinaJaye " The right prefrontal part of a child 's brain can pick up emotional atmospheres in milliseconds . " I just read that in ' The Science of Parenting ' by Margot Sunderland and it really is so true . The author was trying to say that a stressed parent can often cause a child to display difficult behavior . This is very often true but there have been several instances where Aaron has read me and put on good behavior instead . I guess it it can go both ways depending on his mood . After a few days of rain , I really needed to get out of the house today . Well , I did get out but the great outdoors was limited to our front porch . I locked myself out of the house at the very same moment that it started raining . Boy was I infuriated , instantly moody and not in the mood to deal with needy toddler behavior . Surprisingly , Aaron was an angel . He sat on his own and tried to cheer me up by winking ( with both eyes ) at me . Its something that he knows makes me laugh . Then he played with a dried leaf . Later , he ' read ' his magazine . It got a bit cold with the wind so I picked up my little heater and he just sat on my lap looking at the rain . We walked around a bit looking at the rubbish bin , the algae on the side walls , the mailbox and the wet grass . He stayed put . No wriggling around trying to get down . We were out there for 1 . 5 hrs before my mom came home . It really was as if he knew that I was bummed about being stuck there . It is not the first time he has behaved unexpectedly good . There are so many other instances where he has picked up that I was unhappy , frustrated or just plain grumpy and he always knows to be good . No . I don 't mean dads that do the actual breastfeeding . I 'm talking about the dads of breastfed babies . Few people realise it but breastfeeding is really a team sport . Or at least a doubles game . Staying away from Richard always reminds me of what a big help he is . Anyhow , here 's what a breastfeeding dad can do : In the early days : 1 ) Read up on breastfeeding ( or even become an expert if you feel like it ) so that both the new mom and dad are on the same page . It also helps to have another person ' defend ' the new family 's ideas on feeding the baby when well meaning people dampen the breastfeeding mood . 2 ) Go get the baby up and hand him to the new ( and probably healing ) mother . Saves her walking around . 3 ) Help to burp the baby and put the baby back to sleep after a feed . 4 ) Share a drink or snacks with the mom during feeds . Some young babies , like Aaron , can feed for up to 45 mins ! Any time : 4 ) Provide encouragement and moral support , especially in the middle of the night . Night time support is especially helpful because it means a lot to the the mom when you would give up sleep to help her . Just staying up to chat really helps . Yes , dads probaby have to go to work the next day but so does the mom ! 5 ) Neck and shoulder massages : ) 6 ) Change the baby 's diaper during a feed . Tricky but can be done . This avoids fully waking the baby and creating more work by having to put it to sleep again . So those are my few pointers based on the experience that we had . For further reading on the role of dads , check out this article . Breakfast is my favourite meal . I used to go to sleep thinking about what I 'll have when I wake up . As I write this , I 'm even thinking of having some breakfast before I go to sleep . . . . . I just can 't wait a whole night ! Tomorrow 's breakfast is going to be Kellogg 's Special K . My all time favourite cereal . I suddenly remembered it when I was grocery shopping this morning . Being a creature of habit , this was my breakfast everyday ( seriously , EVERY DAY ) while in university . Even then , I used to look forward to breakfast as I closed my eyes each night . I can 't get Special K in Palembang so I 've to enjoy it as much as I can here . Its no point buying a box back because it will run out and I 'll just miss it more . I also can 't get good bread , muffins , crumpets , bacon , cheerios , waffles or cheeses there so . . . . they 're ALL going on my breakfast menus . I can 't wait for tomorrow ! Good night ! P / S Breakfast in Palembang is boring oatmeal . Healthy but certainly nothing to look forward to . In Palembang , going to Mass with a noisy toddler isn 't much of a problem . Almost half the congregation has a baby and most of them are walking them outside to keep the noise level within the church acceptable . Over here , we go to the same church there I was baptised 31 years ago , St Thomas Aquinas in St Lucia . It has been my favourite parish for over 10 years because of a priest that plans his homilies and delivers them in under 10 mins . He 's straight to the point and ALWAYS has a good point to make . Music is also good there . The problem with the church is that it is extremely quiet . There is no extra noise either outside or inside the church to cover any of Aaron 's babbling . He 's not making a fuss or crying . . . just babbling . We 're now attending mass from the foyer of the church . . . . along with several other families with young children . There was a very young baby feeding from a bottle . Aaron tried to ask for a drink from me but I thought that it would be just too much for the people there to handle if they saw me breastfeeding . I have read of mothers doing this in other parishes but I don 't think I want to go through the scrutiny of it . Somehow , when I put this on Aaron yesterday , he really looked like Yoda . I guess there must have been a dip in the force today when I got my camera out . Posted by I 've found another very baby friendly mall . Its at the Direct Factory Outlet near the Brisbane International Airport . All the shopping is on one floor so there is no need to negotiate escalators or look for lifts . They also have the designated people - with - pram parking spots and a great Parent 's Room . The sign just says Parents Room and I expected a change table and perhaps a chair in there . It was much more : There were two cubicles with good rocking chairs for feeding your baby . Even includes foot rest . A microwave for heating up food , milk or whatever . You 're not supposed to use microwaves for babies but I suppose they couldn 't put a stove in . Anyway , plenty of people use the microwave carefully . including me . Two huge change tables with very very deep sinks next to them . I guess they know that some older kids need BIG CLEANS ! Almost baths . A GIGANTIC restroom cubicle that would fit two parents , the pram , and maybe 3 kids at once . Of course nobody would do that but thats just how big it was . Moms or Dads are allowed in there . I think I 'll keep up my review of parent friendly malls . Its something that I find myself searching the internet for when I go to a new place . Somebody out there might find it useful . Brisbane isn 't all that big but so far , I 've only gone to two of the malls ; DFO and Toowong Village Shopping Center . Its hard to go out on a baby 's schedule plus we love the outdoors here . One of my main complaints living in Indonesia is the relative humidity . The averages are between 70 - 90 % depending on the time of the year . My skin is perpetually moisturised naturally . Here in Brisbane , it ranges from about 50 % to 70 % . Yes , it is much more comfortable to be in this drier climate but at the same time it is causing a bit more personal grooming time . Our bodies have really received a rude shock in this suddenly dry weather . I think I very nearly started to look like a snake . So now , everytime I wash my hands . . . . I need to moisturise . Morning and evening , moisturise again . Each time I clean Aaron 's face , we have to go through the whole drama of him screaming and writhing as I moisturise him . Even my hair requires brushing . Ok , I know you 're supposed to do it everyday but sometimes , in Palembang , it is so hot as soon as we wake up that I immediately put it in a ponytail . . . . and then forget to brush it . But it hasn 't been a problem . . . a day or two later when I need to make myself look presentable , the brush goes straight through . Over here , ANYTIME , I put the brush to my hair , I find its full of knots . So we need to moisturise and brush our hair more here . Small price to pay for living in a beautiful city . I am thinking more and more seriously about moving up the schedule for our move over here . Its currently a distant 7 years away . Here 's something else that I 've noticed since having a baby . When you 're out shopping , especially grocery shopping , waiting in line to pay transforms from a mindless passing of minutes to something that you really need to use your brains for . " Ohhh look at this , but don 't touch it " or " Look at that baby " or " Don 't bite the shopping cart ! " I know he 's just being curious so for now , I 'll just have to keep him occupied . Today I overheard a mother of 3 older children saying " Just be good children ! Remember the chocolates ? They are right there but I 'm going to put them back if you don 't sit still . You wouldn 't like that would you ? " I 'm sure the day may come when I have to resort to threats and bribes like that but I hope it won 't be too often . Bribing with chocolates just doesn 't sound right but I think I understand how desperate that mother must have been . By the way , I 've been meaning to put this photo up but kept forgetting . Its another first for Aaron . Sleeping in his pram : Ok . This is a bit of a gripe . And when I think about it . . . . not worth griping over . But it seems to annoy me each time so here is it . I hate it when the cashier hands me back my receipt , notes and coins stacked in that way . Receipts at the bottom , notes on top of that and then the coins . I have to let the coins fall into the coin compartment in my purse and then put the notes away . On top of that , I usually try to pull the receipt out and put it separately . It wouldn 't be so bad if they didn 't rush to start processing the next customer but doing all this , under pressure , with a baby on one hip is no joke ! The notes and coins I can understand but I prefer to have the receipt put into the bag with my purchases . It used to be that way over here but I guess to make sure all the customers are getting their receipts , the new practice is to give it to you all at once . Next time I 'll just have to put on an extra layer of skin and not feel any pressure to get myself out of the way . I 'll take my time ! ABA stands for the Australian Breastfeeding Association and is the equivalent of La Leche League in other parts of the world . There are local groups , scattered all across Australia , who meet once a fortnight and it has been one of the things that I have been looking forward to . I have been active on the ABA forums online but today was my first ' live ' meeting . The people were definitely friendly and Aaron had a fabulous time socialising ! Unfortunately , I didn 't enjoy it as much as I thought I would . The only thing I had on my mind was ' Possum Droppings ' . I think they usually hold the meetings indoors but it was a beautiful day and there were a few too many moms and babies so they moved the meeting to the courtyard . It was great for all the moms with non - mobile babies but what about the those with toddlers and crawlers ? Some of the other toddler moms were content to stand over and watch that their babies did not topple over but I was much more worried about the possum droppings . They were everywhere ! Didn 't the moms see them ? The babies were squishing them with their hands , knees and feet . And some of them were chewing the toys that were dragged along the same paths that the possums used . I couldn 't understand it but I didn 't say anything because the mothers were obviously quite comfortable with it . I spent half the time helping Aaron walk so that he didn 't need to have his hands on the ground and the remainder of the time carrying him around . Luckily he did fall asleep for the last 30 mins . Anyway , here are 5 things that I do remember from the meeting ( apart from the possum droppings ) . - Breastfeeding for 2 years halves a woman 's risk of developing breast cancer . - It is true that calcium levels are reduced during lactation . However , after weaning , the body will rebuild these levels to higher than what the woman had originally . - Breastfed babies have higher bone densities . - Breastfeeding reduces a woman 's chances of breaking her hip . - Breastfed babies generally have a more effective response to childhood immunisatioPosted by It has been extremely easy to adapt to life here in Brisbane . I think it only took us a single night 's sleep to get into the rhythm of life here . Easy . A no brainer . Although we 'll be here till mid October , I 'm already starting to think of how we 'll adapt back to life in Palembang . I hate using the ' B ' word but it really is boring over there . There will be no more trips to the library for singing , no more time in the parks . . . . no quiet people watching in the mall . Its no use griping about it . Our own adaptability to any situation is dependant on our own minds anyway . I 'm not much of a planner in terms of life goals and all that but I do like organising my thoughts on how to feel about things . Not to control my feelings but to just acknowledge situations and prepare myself ahead . For example , an entire day in the house with a baby and no relief can be incredibly trying on the nerves . However , it always helps me if I tell myself in the morning that I am dedicating the day to him and all the challenges he is going to throw my way are part of his growth and I shouldn 't feel priveledged to be able to share this . Somehow , there is less frustration and more joy in the day . If I am unprepared , I usually end the day feeling grouchy and cheated of valuable time for both the baby and myself . Anyway , on adapting back to Palembang . . . . I 'll have to draw on as many brain cells as I can to channel the good thoughts but I 'm starting to help myself now by listing down activities for a 1 year old . I 'll have to get all sorts of supplies like non toxic crayons or play dough . . . . . books with ideas on activities . Any helpful bloggers out there with good tips ? Seriously . . . . my wake up call is getting more and more violent ! Previously , Aaron used to just make noises , either crying or babbling , whichever he felt like . Over the past week , this has progressed from pulling at my shirt , to falling on top of me , to some mild slaps on the face . And then this morning , it was all out digging at my eyeballs in an attempt to open my eyelids ! He gave me a really cute smile as soon as my eyes open so I didn 't get mad . Now the other part to this wake up call is that he would be happy to play around the room for much longer if it wasn 't for his regular 6am BM ! ( Are you all up to speed with what BM is ? ? ) So after the wakeup call , and my olfactory systems kicks into gear , I am greeted by the ewwwwwwwwwwwww stench . I really miss the days of the sweet smelling , purely breastfed baby BM smell . No kidding . . . it was sweet back then ! I think I 'll need one of these soon . To protect me from the eye gouging and the fumes ! As I have blogged about it before , going out with a baby needs some extra effort sometimes . I really must have a post raving about the Toowong Village Shopping Center ( 5mins drive from our home in Brisbane ) because it is the most baby friendly one I have been to so far . I have yet to check out the other malls in Brisbane but for now , Toowong Village is perfect for us ! 1 ) No hassles with the parking because there are designated spots for people with prams . Near the entrances of course ! 2 ) No problem walking through the entire mall because they use travelators instead of escalators . Perfect for pushing the pram about . 3 ) The library there has sing - a - long days on Wednesday and Fridays for children under 2 . 4 ) There are plenty of comfortable sofas about for us to sit around and just people watch . Babies love that . 6 ) THIS last one definitely scored points with me . Not only did they have a spacious restroom that accomodates the pram , they had one specifically for DADS ! The sign confused me for awhile but I worked it out . Usually , people forget that sometimes the dads will take babies out WITHOUT moms . Also , there baby change room is separate to the restrooms , thus , allowing dads to use it as well . Of course , they had one exactly like this for the moms too . I liked that ! No more squashing in the regular restrooms . Perhaps this is the way with all malls in the West . I don 't know . . . will have to check out out . But it certainly is not the way yet in Asia but there are plenty of forums talking about the baby friendliness of various places in Malaysia so I think change will eventually make its way into the malls there . I have a friend that is constantly bugging me to visit her in San Francisco . . . . but for now , I don 't have any desire to go there . The journey is long and I 've been there before . Maybe I 'll go again in another 10 years . On the other hand , even though Canada is just as far or even further , I 've never been there . Yeah . . . I 'm flighty , one day I 'm thinking of Holland and the next day , Canada . Its just that I always imagined it to be somewhat similar to Australia but with snow . I love SNOW ! Flights to Canada must be pretty pricey . But so are flights almost anywhere out of Asia so . . . . . Whistler looks like a good place to go skiing . I 'm like a once in 5 years skier so each time I go , I have to get the hang of it all over again . So far , we 've have been skiing in Australia , the US , and Switzerland . And next ? A skiing holiday in Canada . . . WOW ! I 'm dreaming about it already . These days , its is so easy to plan an entire holiday just surfing the internet . You can book everything from the flights , hotels , or car hire . But sometimes , it is good to have somebody to speak to just to make sure everything is as you have imagined . Somehow , the internet always makes things a little bit nicer . They can also inform you of any holiday offers that you might have missed . To that friend that constantly bugs : ) If I go to Canada , I 'll make sure to go to Calgary as well . Just make sure you have time to come along a be the tour guide . Posted by As part of their ' World Online Celebration ' , Malaysia Airlines is offering some incredible airfares at up to 75 % discounts . Included in the promotion are fares to other ASEAN countries at USD8 and trips all the way to Europe for just USD201 . Immediately , I thought of visiting my aunt in Holland but upon further investigation , I am not sure if Malaysia Airlines is even serious about this celebration because : 1 ) The fares are only valid for bookings made between 1 - 15 August for travel between Jan - May 2008 . However , the earliest news article I can find on this promotion is dated 8 August . Even today , 13 August , none of the Malaysians I 've asked know about it . If they were serious about this celebration , wouldn 't they have publicised it BEFORE 1 August so that the public will be ready to make their bookings ? 2 ) The DEALS mentioned ( USD 201 to Europe etc ) are only one way . A round trip ticket is almost the same price as the normal fares . Now , which country is going to grant you a visa to visit if you only have a one way ticket ? 3 ) The published fares exclude all the surcharges and taxes . Once you add that in and pay for the round trip ticket . There is really NO CELEBRATION to be had at all . Wouldn 't you like your pumpkin soup to look like this ? I thought they were so cute . Too bad I had to defrost them before Aaron could eat it . Wonder if this is what 's giving him a bit of an upset stomach . . . . We 've been to this park 3 times in the past week . Its the only one with a flying fox . So far , Aaron just hangs on like a koala but doesn 't seem to like it as much as I do yet . He 'll come around . Today , a little boy came up to the swings while we were there and tried to get on the empty one but he was too short . Immediately , I had it in my head to go help him up but you know what ? I hesitated . I must have spent a good 30 seconds debating with myself if I should or not because of all the talk about paedophiles . I had also read yesterday about children in daycares not thriving because carers avoid touching the children as much as possible to avoid any accusations of misconduct . All this talk about how parents need to be vigilant about people around their kids has rubbed off on me in such a horrible way that I hesitated to help a 4 yr old onto the swings . When I did eventually help him up , I felt so stupid looking around to see where his parents were , hoping they don 't come running over . Yesterday , the cassettes took me back to the 1990s . Today , a visit from an old friend took me back to the 1980s . I 've known her since I was 7 and here are some of the memories that the day brought back . - Our dads were divers and we were often left on the beach for the day while they explored the ocean floor . One of the pretend games we had in the water was ' Hairdressers ' . Have you tried pretending to cut hair while underwater ? - After the day on the beach , we had to have showers in a really horrible public bathroom at the Sitiawan Yacht Club . It was always dark , with sand on the ground and water that just dribbled out of the shower head . Sitiawan is a small village in Malaysia . - Dinner was always at a place called Kampung Koh and we ALWAYS had this sweet and sour fish dish . There was also something else that we always had but I can 't remember what it is now . - Back when we were both 7 , I had a horrible habit of always needing to have a best friend and then using the relationship to hurt . I don 't know if she remembers it but whenever she didn 't play along the way I liked , I think I might have said stupid things like ' we 're not best friends anymore ' . Childish things . . . . but we were children . Well , we 're all grown up now but I still have something childish to say : We 'll be friends FOREVER ! I was a little disoriented when I opened up one of the drawers in my old room and found these : Then I remembered . My prized possessions from the 1990s teenage years . This is just one drawer full , there are others . Gloria Estafan , New Kids on the Block , MILLI VANILLI ( ! ! ! ) I don 't even have a player for them now but they 're still around . I 'm sure that the same fate awaits the CDs I now have piled around the place . As it is , iPods , cellphones with mp3s , music through the internet and all sorts of other avenues to listen to the latest tracks are becoming more and more convenient and affordable . But back to those cassettes ? Do you still have any ? What would you do with them ? Throw them out ? What if you don 't have CD versions of them ? Go download ? Do you even want to listen to Vanilla Ice today ? ? ? ? Do you see the mixed tapes in the photo ? Those were the craze back then . Make them yourself , get your friends to make them , or copy the ones that your friends have already made . Also , anytime some guy had a crush on you . . . . you 're BOUND to get one of those ! I even remember one with the guy singing ! I just got this in an email from one of my friends . Ipoh is a small town in Malaysia that I call one of my hometowns . Ipoh Mali means From Ipoh . ' Mali ' is actually how the Chinese tend to pronounce the Malay word ' Mari ' , because they can 't make the ' Rrrrr ' sound . Usually , I don 't like listening to raps or hip / hop by Asian artists because they tend to copy too much yet lack the precision of the ' real thing ' . But , this was different . It is not only because I come from Ipoh and got a real kick out of identifying the places in the video . I know the lyrics are genuine because my mother knows Point Blanc 's family . And , the video did not have some flimsy , precisionless attempt at hip / hop by skinny non - dancers . I hate watching those . . . . . Here is some info on Point Blanc . We got Aaron this trolley a couple of days ago and its done wonders for his walking ! He is now able to push it along all by himself . I still hover behind him in case the momentum he builds up is too much for his little legs to follow . Posted by Well , thats just an approximation . Our meals are very simple in Indonesia and are mainly vegetables and tofu / tempeh . So , thats what I 'm basing the comparison on . Its crazy isn 't it . The sausage roll I ate for morning tea today would have paid for the meals in our Indonesian household for nearly 2 days . Its silly but I 'm always doing conversions like that when I buy things over here . The quiche that I wanted for lunch was 4 . 5 days of food . I decided to skip it though because it didn 't look all that fresh and these comparisons are driving me to find more value . Yes , I know its not really apple to apple and you need to do the dollar to dollar type comparison but . . . . I 'm not analysing it for a doctorate . Its just how my brain operates . This one is the most shocking conversion I 've had so far . I went to my favourite dentist for my annual checkup and clean and it came to the equivalent of : 66 days of food for out household in PalembangOR2 months pay for my driver ( who incidentally NEVER goes to the dentist ) OR the cost of a 2nd hand motorbike in PalembangOR3 months membership at the Novotel Palembang GymOR 8 days of trucked water Look at that ! I saw him actually doze off and couldn 't believe what I was witnessing . We went to the library for a toddler sing - a - long session and after that , I gave him a quick feed before we got in the car to drive home . As I was driving . . . his eyes were just rolling around until . . . . they closed ! They didn 't open even when we got home , I took this photo and accidentally slammed the car door . They still didn 't open when I picked him up . They stayed closed all the way to his bed and remained closed for another 60 mins or so . AMAZING ! This is the very first time ! Today is the last day of World Breastfeeding Week ( Aug 1 - 7 ) so I 'm just in time to get this post in . I love breastfeeding and while I know it doesn 't work out for everyone . . . . you must at least try to make it work . I stuck it out for close to 3 months with searing pain at every feed and blocked ducts every couple of days before finally ' enjoying ' it . Today is also Aaron 's birthday and I estimate that he would have had his 4000th feed some time today ( or maybe yesterday / tomorrow ) . Anyway , there was an interesting article published over the weekend regarding breastfeeding and babies in the developing world . The thing is that you would think the developing world would still be breastfeeding the old fashioned way since it is free and convenient , but sadly , they are not . The formula people are good marketers ! The key to breastfeeding is really to start within the first hour after birth . I had always thought of this from the standpoint of a ' successfull breastfeeding career ' but now there is evidence that the first hour has the potential to save lives . Here are some of the points I 've picked out of the article I mentioned : Breastfeeding within the first hour after birth could save 1 million babies under the age of 28 days . Waiting longer than 1 hr , but still within the first 24 hrs , will save 720 , 000 babies . Exclusive breastfeeding ( ie no solids or other milks ) reduced the chances of death by 4 times . So there you have it . Researched , documented and statistically proven facts about breastfeeding . It is not that I need convincing . The points are here as easy reference for any other mothers who need the facts to arm themselves against the people who are not yet informed . Although . . . these are but 3 of many good reasons to breastfeed . Here is another interesting article . And remember , don 't let anyone tell you that there is nothing coming out ! Just take a look at these ' co - incidences ' : 1 ) The first card he ever received was from my brother and it had a picture of a pirate boy on it . 2 ) When we took him to Cameron Highlands , we thought he might be cold but instead of giving him a cap , we tied a scarf around his head . Like a pirate ! 3 ) One of his favourite nursery rhymes , Sing a song of sixpence , is actually a Pirate Ship recruitment song . It dates back to the early 1700s . Here are some of the coded messages : Sixpence was how much a day 's work paid . The pocket full of rye ? WHISKY ! Hiding birds in pies alludes to the deception of a distressed vessel . Of course , when the pie was opened ( when somebody fell for the trick ) , the birds came out from hiding and attacked ! Wasn 't that a tasty dish to set before a King ? The ' King ' here is Blackbeard , King of the Pirates . The Queen in the parlour is actually Blackbeard 's ship that was in port taking supplies for the next trip . And the innocent maid hanging clothes ? It meant that they KNEW who the target would be and that particular vessel had just left port or was about to . About to hang its sails ! Imagine that ! So , the next time you hear this nursery rhyme . . imagine the drunkan , blood thirsty buccaneers ! In the mean time , I 'll start looking out for a cute eye patch or a hook for Aaron . Or maybe a monkey ! Yup ! Jean nominated me for the Rockin ' Girl Blogger award and it feels GREAT ! After leaving the 9 - 5 work environment , its not often that I get recognised for things I do . The weird thing is that , while still working , I had to keep reminding myself that ' I was not my job ' . That success or failure at a job did not necessarily reflect who I was or how my life was turning out . Still . . . . everybody needs some pats on the back and I happily enjoyed any recognition at work . The sudden absence of them was definitely felt when I stopped working . I did give myself that pat on the back each time I made some money but since I 'm patting my own back . . . . I kept moving the target and increased the profit amount that qualified for pats ! So anyway , since starting this blog , I consider every visitor ( new or regular ) and every comment left as pats on the back . And now , Rockin Girl Blogger award definitely gives that pat a tangible feeling to it . Thanks again Jean ! One of the characteristics of Brisbane is the hilly roads everywhere . A little like San Francisco I suppose . Anyway , this is the slope that I have been walking up and down over the past 20 years . Going to school , coming home , going to the park , coming home , going to the corner shop , coming home . Yet , there still hasn 't been a time that I do it without being at least a little bit puffed ! Luckily my parents didn 't pick a house on the next street . . . the slope there is a killer ! I was pleasantly surprised today after lugging Aaron up the hill and only feeling mildly out of breath . After not pushing my physical limits in exercise for the past year , I thought that I 'd be in worse shape . It just goes to show how much exercise a little baby can provide ! Looking to lose weight ? Come babysit Aaron : ) My husband , Richard , is absolutely football crazy . However , he 's been somewhat ' deprived ' of both playing and watching the game since Aaron was born . He 's probably sitting at home every night now watching the English Premier League highlights , goals and games . ALL that is available on the EPL since we 're not around . Its weird that the EPL has such a large following of people who don 't live in the UK . I KNOW he reads this blog so thats why I 'm saying it right here that one day , when I 've made enough spare change from trading . . . . I 'll take us on a family holiday which will include a Manchester United game . It looks like the 3 largest cities for football are London , Manchester and Liverpool . A London Hotel would probably be more convenient to do other things but I 'll need to research this first . I don 't think he would want a Liverpool Hotel since thats the club he doesn 't like . I suppose his ideal would be a Manchester Hotel . Wherever we stay , it will definitely be pricey for us . It takes a whopping 7 Malaysian Ringgits to buy 1 British Pound ! Even though every day is a weekend for me , I especially like Saturdays and Sundays here . The Australians really make full use of the weekends and a short trip to a nearby park almost had me green with envy at the lifestyle that these young families had . There were two couples with babies no more than 3 or 4 months old . Just laying around enjoying the sunshine . Another few dads were out with toddlers that had just learnt to walk . They were messing around in the sand pit and playing with the swings . Yet another few families appeared to be meeting up with friends that had kids the same age . These older kids were all over the park while the parents were enjoying the picnic . I wonder if these people realise how lucky they are to have a lifestyle like this ? This is a public park but it is clean and has good quality equipment for the children to play around on . The weather is sunny yet cool so its pleasant to be outdoors . Most people here enjoy a 5 day week so the weekends are free for family . I don 't know of any family in Malaysia or Indonesia that spend weekends like this . Its usually spent in the malls ! I did mention that I 'm only almost green with envy . Almost because I can always make the choice to come live here . So when will I ? Soon . . . . . In the mean time , I 'll enjoy it with Aaron every day of this holiday ! One of the firsts things I do when I come to Brisbane is go to the Library ( after I get my sausage roll ) . Previously , it was books on trading and beading . Now , 8 books on parenting and babies . How times have changed ! Anyhow , after flipping through ' The no - cry discipline solution ' by Elizabeth Pantley last night , one point stuck with me today . Supposedly , a way to prevent your child from growing into a teenager that talks back all the time , you can try avoiding the word ' No ' as much as possible when they are toddlers . I think I managed to stop myself about 239 times today but the other 599 times . . . . ' No ' was like a reflex reaction . I guess it takes practice to communicate some alternate path to a 361 day old baby . It will have to be more like distraction . But then , with distraction , I have to be careful that its not bribery . Parenting ! OMG ! I 'm a parent ! Lately , this word ' Parent ' and related words like ' Parenting ' keep popping into my head . I never thought of myself that way until now . Even though Aaron is nearly one , I 've always just had the label ' mother ' in my head . . . . and even that , it was more from the nourishment stand point . Now that he is growing up and there is so much more to do and think about . . . . Parent , Parenting , Parentese , Parent Teacher Night , Leniant Parents , Parent 's Fault , Responsible Parenting . . . . . Last month , I wrote a post about temper tantrums . The post wasn 't intended to convey any sort of message implying that I have things under control all the time . Today was a testiment to that . My ears are still ringing from the 45 min car ride with Aaron . I did everything we normally did . . . . . toys , cool seat , well rested baby , sun not in his eyes . . . . EVERYTHING . But we still endured a full 45 minutes of his screams . Non Stop . High Pitched . Punctuated with gasps of air . Full throttle with a rhythm I could have put a metronome to . We pulled over , checked him , no problem . I kept thinking that , he 'll tire , he 'll get fed up , he 'll choke , he 'll fall asleep . Nope . When we got to the destination , he was smiling again after a few minutes out of the car . Just didn 't want to sit I guess . Tell me , do you think providing snacks en route is just fostering a bad habit or a valid approach to avoiding these noisy car rides ? It looks like my escape to Brisbane for a few months didn 't come with an escape from water issues . Over in Palembang it was dirty water . Over here its a lack of water . To beat the drought and also to create long term savings , the government has been implementing various water restrictions since May 2005 . Its up to a Level 5 now . Apart from indoor water savings such as 4 minute showers , full loads in the washing machine and re - fitting of the taps to be more efficient there are a couple of outdoor ones too . Watering the garden with only a bucket is understandable . No big deal for us either because we don 't have that many plants . The harsher one is only washing the mirrors , lights , glass , number plates , and potentially damaging marks on your car only . Once again , using a bucket of water . PLENTY of dirty cars in Brisbane these days . The two outdoor restrictions actually carry on the spot fines if you 're caught in violation . The thing that I like about Australians is that they don 't need the fines to help them save water . Many people have automatically adopted a more water conscious mentality and have a genuine concern about the water crisis . They CARE about the country . By Dr Rohayati Taib of the Department of Paediatrics , RIPAS HospitalBreastfeeding helps to bring mother and baby closer . Each year , a total of 10 . 9 million children under the age of five will dieworldwide . The majority of deaths occur below the age of one and 40 per centwill occur in the newborn period . In total , it is estimated that four millionbabies will die annually in the developing world , particularly in Sub - SaharanAfrica , before they reach the age of one . Almost all of the four million newborn deaths are due to preventable causes . Themajority of them are attributable to infections such as diarrhoea , septicaemia , meningitis and pneumonia . Most deaths occur at home . There is now clear evidencethat early initiation of breastfeeding would be protective and will have asubstantial impact in reducing this staggering statistic . According to the World Health Organisation , in the Global Strategy for Infantand Young Child Feeding , two - thirds of under - five deaths that occur in infancyare most related to poor feeding practices . Breastfeeding is a key to childsurvival . As many as 1 . 45 million lives are lost globally due to the sub - optimalbreastfeeding practices in cutting down childhood deaths worldwide wasrecognised and published in the Lancet series on child and newborn survival in2003 and 2004 . The authors concluded that 13 per cent to 15 per cent of allchild deaths could be reduced if coverage levels of breastfeeding are increasedto near universal . Breastfeeding in the first hour of live could save almost one million babies ' lives each year . Last year , Paediatrics published evidence proving that earlybreastfeeding has an impact in reducing mortality in the newborn period . Thisresearch was funded by the Department for International Development ( DFID ) . It showed that if mothers start breastfeeding within one hour of birth , 22 percent of babies who die in the first 28 days , the equivalent to almost onemillion newborn each year , could be saved . If breastfeeding starts on the firstday then 16 per cent of lives could be saved . TPosted by It took us a total of about 19 hours to get from our house in Palembang , Indonesia to my mother 's house in Brisbane , Australia . Aaron was a little difficult at the Palembang Airport but once we got on the plane , he was an angel . Changi Airport was everything I expected . The singaporeans really know how to make transit time zoom by . 6 whole hours there wasn 't enough ! There were even more shops there than my last trip in 2005 . We spent quite a bit of time at the Family Zone where Aaron could ' stretch his legs ' . We couldn 't tear him away from there ! Here he is again having fun with some older boys in the departure lounge . It was his first time really interacting with other children and was amazing to watch . The two boys were wonderful and included Aaron in their game of chasing after a toy tiger . The game completely wore him out and he fell asleep as soon as we boarded . He stayed in ' sleep mode ' for the entire journey but kept waking up because of the cramped conditions . It was easy to put him back to sleep each time .
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I heard a disturbing story recently from a friend , and I can 't seem to get it out of my head . It went something like this … the camp buses were leaving for an overnight camp in the Midwest , and one Mom somehow had access to get on one of the buses before departure . She literally managed to rope off ( save ) an entire section for eight 11 - year - old girls . She stayed on the bus while the " Chosen 8 ″ boarded and sat in their " designated " seats . Another girl , a new camper , got on the bus , who was the same age , and asked if she could join " those " girls . The Mom responded : " I 'm sorry , but it 's reserved " and then she got off . The new girl , let 's call her Sarah , had been given three simultaneous messages : 1 . You are not invited . 2 . You are not good enough . 3 . This is " The Group " - and you are not part of it , so don 't even try . One of the main reasons I started this blog was because of the overabundance of Middle School war stories that I had been hearing from so many moms . Same story , different players . And I hate to say this , but the root of this particular social evil , is usually ( sadly ) initiated by a group of Moms . One of our GW writers pointed out in another blog , that those Moms decide who is IN and who is OUT . It is political , and it is what we at GIRLilla Warfare call " Suburban Social Engineering " which ends up causing many children deep , unnecessary pain . Don 't get me wrong . Many kids choose to be with whom they feel most comfortable , and that 's totally acceptable . It 's the piece in which the Moms not only helicopter but also patrol kids ' potential friendships that I 'm focusing on here . One Mom shared a story about how her daughter is best friends with a particular girl in her overnight camp , where they spend eight weeks together , inseparable , but when school comes around that girl " drops her daughter " because she is considered on the fringes of " The Group " - not an insider . The message that girl is getting is similar to Sarah 's , just the next step up : You are good enough for the summer , but not during school . See ya , in July . I 'm sorry to break the news , but that Mom already knows . In fact she called the " dropped " girl 's Mom to say ( and I paraphrase ) : My daughter is having a party next week , and I just want to give you the heads - up that your daughter is not invited because she is not close friends with the other girls . You understand , right ? Another scenario that I personally witnessed a few years ago was a close friend 's Middle - School daughter had organized a group to go " Trick or Treating " and was very excited about it . Two weeks before Halloween , however , another girl in her class ( with whom she has no problems ) decided to have a party and invited every girl in that group but THAT particular girl . In short , the girl who organized the " T or T " was left alone , with no plans for Halloween . Her friends , however , all went to the party , and not a single mother of those girls said , " Hey , my daughter has plans with X , can she come too ? " The problem I told my friend ( whose daughter was dumped ) is that all those moms were just so happy ( relieved ) that their own daughter was included that they were " afraid " to go to bat for another kid . I know many of you might not agree with me … but I believe in scenarios such as this one , as a Mom , you can and should " stick up " for another child , and make that call on his or her behalf . The actual Mom of the kid ( in the Invisible Book of Middle School Protocol ) , unfortunately , cannot do it , but YOU can do it for her . Two years ago , my eldest daughter was graduating from eighth grade . I was literally so sick of hearing these stories of kids around town being left out in a " brutal " way . Let me just interrupt myself here and say that these actions are not exclusive to my community . Not by a stretch . It occurs nationwide , suburban - wide . So if you live in my town , please note , I 'm not singling you out . Anyway , I decided to take a drastic step . I contacted a friend and said , " I know this is crazy but let 's invite the whole damn class for a graduation party . We can have it in my backyard . Why not ? " And so we did . We sent out flyers and passed them around in the lunchroom . We hired a high school deejay and set up a movie in the backyard , and nearly every mom in the class sent something to my house - four full tables filled with desserts ( the local Fire Department LOVED the leftovers ) . And there it was : the " popular " kids , the theater kids , the goth kids , the athletes , the mathletes - every type of " group " was united in my backyard and it was a mingling like I 'd never seen before , and probably will never see again . I received at least 10 calls from various parents , saying , " Thank you , my son / daughter has not been invited to a single party his / her entire junior high experience . ( That made me cry inside - imagining those children scrolling through all the social events they were NOT invited to , courtesy of Facebook ) . But here 's what really came out of what I call an " umbrella " party . It had a Domino Reaction . A friend called and said , " You know , I heard about your crazy party . You 're nuts . But … I had actually invited six boys to my son 's birthday party in a few weeks . And after hearing that you included everyone and how great it was , I made calls and invited the other five boys in his class that I had initially left out . " There were at least three other parties that " inclusion " became the theme . Not everyone can throw a bash for 150 kids . It wasn 't the party ; it was the message - TEACH YOUR KID BY EXAMPLE TO INCLUDE . I can 't even begin to tell you what that does for a shy kid to get an " unexpected " invitation . The impact is a game changer for that child . There 's another crucial piece I believe that falls somewhere in the Being Left Out category - much further down the line , and truly serious . Teen Suicide . There have been a spate of young suicides in the Chicagoland area in the past several months . Some causes have been attributed to too much pressure , bullying , homosexuality , girlfriend / boyfriend problems , and eating disorders . Middle School and High Schoolers have to deal with a lot of pain - rejection , particularly - as they try to forge their own identities . We as parents need to help give them the necessary tools when life feels so dark . We need to be on the lookout if we see kids we know drastically changing - going from happy to morose . We need to listen hard , if we hear ( as I recently did ) from our own child that a friend of hers / his is cutting themselves . Be on the look out , and don 't be afraid to make That Call to a parent or a close friend of that parent expressing your concern , even if you feel it 's not your place . I learned from a very young age that making The Call makes all the difference . I was in 7th grade and my younger brother told me that his friend was being abused by his Dad , but made me swear not to tell our parents because they knew the father . So I honored my brother , but I did call the school anonymously and told the principal what was happening . The principal took care of the situation , and that father was later arrested for child abuse . My point : Make the damn call . If you see a child being left out , bullied , or worse , and you know about it - don 't be afraid to stand up for someone else 's kid . You can always use anonymity and call the principal to get the ball rolling . That Mom on the bus with the social " rope " should be ashamed of herself . Sadly , the only time she will ever really know how " it " feels is when her own kid is left out . And don 't be misled , even the most popular of girls and boys get " dissed . " No one gets by in life scot - free . I am not a shrink , and my advice is only opinion and personal experience . But perhaps the most important lesson to teach and show by example to our children is the oldest and goldest one of all : Do unto others as you would have others do unto you . " And then , my friends , let 's see how the cards fall … Terrific article ! This behavior not only works its way into the Middle / High School but also continues throughout adulthood . Childhood scars can be the root to moms AND dads that feel , " if I couldn 't be that IT kid , then my child will . " Remember parents . you can only control your child 's life for so long . By planting bad seeds at a young age only sets them up for failure to stand on two feet . Socializing your child doesn 't allow skills needed to face the real jungle . Some will succeed , but most will fail . Teach your children SELF - ESTEEM . Teach them INDEPENDENCE . Teach them not to follow but to LEAD . They might not be the " IT " kid , but then again they won 't give a shit . It certenly does continue into adulthood When I when to t certen church a few lady went on a retreat which I hapend not to attend . A click was formed which became known to outsiders as the church ladies . One night after a womans ' meattig I asked on of them for a ride home and she litteraly yell at me , because I had a habit of aways asking one them for a ride home . Loved your article ! My daughter has mild Autism and she often gets left out . I remember a few years back when one night I saw on FB one of the girls in her class was having a slumber party and the mother proudly posted photos of all the girls arriving to the party when I realized it was every single girl in my daughters class … except my daughter knew nothing of the party because she was not invited . At that very moment , she was playing upstairs by herself and telling me how she wished she had someone to play with that night . My heart just broke for her , as I knew she was unaware she had been left out , but still I knew and thought it so cruel . I remember feeling really angry at the girls mother for the example she was to her daughter by allowing this . The extra topping on this cake was that the school they attended was a Christian school . This is life and the best we can do is teach our children by our light and example . I hope your article reaches some of the moms who participate in this and hopefully changes their hearts . Reply Emily on June 10th I hope this article does reach mothers who aren 't really paying much attention . . . my daughter was also left out , in school and out of school . It was terrible and isolating and she was chastised and then ignored . She came home one day and said she couldn 't take it anymore . Her " friends " ignored her , didn 't include her , partnered with anyone else except her , and she didn 't want to go back there . Thankfully we had an option and were able to send her to another school where the enrollment is larger and she has found several groups of girls with whom she can be friendly , but the other scenario was unbearable to here and thank goodness it came out and she helped us help here . It 's key to constantly watch you children , listen to them , and monitor if they are thriving as they should . My only regret is that I didn 't see it sooner . By the way , these other girls aren 't nice and will only grown up to unkind , snobby ladies . Avoid them and teach your children to surround themselves with good people - people that don 't treat others with such disrespect and unkindness . I have a son with autism that only had one friend . Obviously this boy liked my son because they were best friends . I tried to make play dates but the mom was always saying she is busy . ( socializing with other moms and kids ) It didn 't occur to her that maybe her kid liked my son . Then she moved to a nearby town . My son has never seen her son since . I guess it doesn 't matter to her that our kids were friends , after all her kid doesn 't have autism , he can just make new friends . Now my son has nobody , and she is supposed to be a christian . I guess we aren 't perfect enough to hang out with . I am a school counselor in a suburban district in PA . We had to send both of our girls to a private school for Kindergarten because it was a full - day program and my wife and I both work . We are both educators so perhaps a bit more apt to make observations about parent behaviors . Ironically , we both were using the term " social engineering " then to describe the way parents were gauging other parent 's social and economic standing and strategically creating friendships with their children . It was absolutely sickening . We did our best to help our kids get through the year , which we prayed to be over just about every day . Our youngest was more affected by what was going on socially , so much so that the school wanted to have her tested for a learning disability . We couldn 't wait to pull her out of that toxic environment . We did follow through and have her tested and it turns out that she qualified for the Gifted Program ! She was so terrified to make a mistake around these kids that the teacher thought she wasn 't learning ! We most definitely see , especially with the Middle School population , moms engineering social clout through exclusion . One of our counselors heard the term " Lawnmower parent " to replace " Helicopter parent . " The Lawnmower parent doesn 't just hover , she clears the way of any social or educational obstacles for their child . As a high school counselor I have to say that these children are not doing well when they leave the nest . They seem to be the first kids coming home from college and not returning . We hear from employers that they struggle mightily in the workplace . They cannot accept criticism of any kind , cannot comply with deadlines , and seem to expect reward even when the underperform . I think it 's clear that these parents are only creating an illusion of competence , socially and otherwise , and depriving their child of the opportunity to develop critical skills such as empathy and responsibility . I hope there is an end in sight , but I haven 't seen any evidence of that happening any time soon . lisa , i wish there was a way for this article to reach every single mom out there . the story about the roped off bus seats literally increased my blood pressure . i 've recognized something along the road of my 21 years of motherhood : unfortunately , mean girls tend to turn into mean mom 's . i love your term " social engineering " much more than my term , " social climbing " . but one thing 's for sure , there are mom 's out there , with far too much time on their hands , putting a tremendous amount of effort into selective playdates in order to promote friendships for themselves . pathetic , but true . instead of teaching loving kindness and an open heart , they are exhibiting their own insecurities , which their daughters learn through observation . you can only puppet your child for so long . and when your kid gets " smart enough " to stand on their own two feet , that 's a good day . on another note , which you did not touch upon , social media has spun a whole new light on feeling left out … . i 've had discussions with high school / college age / and adults who will attest to this . bottom line is : practice the golden rule . treat others the way you 'd like to be treated . practice EMPATHY ! keep the great stuff comin , lis ! xxoo I 'm with Jill - every mom should read this . Fantastic piece . Parents need to lead by example and remember that they are the adult in the situation . It has always been my feeling that there is always room for " one " more ( or 12 , 15 , 20 ) as long as no one is left out . The camp bus story makes me sick to my stomach . Whoever that mom is , I hope someday she understands the kind of damage she is doing to every young girl ( and other mom ) who crosses her path . She should be more than ashamed of herself . We can only hope that the little girl who she left out will grow up to be a better person and a better mother than this woman will ever be . Whoever you are - SHAME ON YOU ! Fantastic message . I struggle with the birthday list every year . My son 's b - day is in Feb . and I usually have limited space . I try to use some objective criteria to enforce a limitation on the number of friends to invite ( school friends , church friends , neighborhood friends ) . If I have to explain it to a parent or child , they know it is not personal , but I doubt that a child would understand it and I feel terrible about anyone feeling left out . Our schools do suggest all the kids , all the boys or all the girls ( because children do seem to understand that ) to help avoid hurt feelings . However , if anyone has any suggestions about how to resolve this problem , I would be all ears . I have considered doing parties in August for a " half - birthday " celebration so that I could have as many kids as I want in the yard or park , but am not quite sure how people would react to that . In the meantime , I will take the messages of this article to heart . I will listen and watch . I will make the call . I will defend other children . Thank you for the eye - opening reminder ! I would start throwing a half - year birthday party in the summer so you could invite everyone . Also what about throwing the party somewhere besides your house so there will be more space for everyone ? Not sure if it 's money or your location that is the issue but in my town there are several different places that host kids ' birthday parties . Laser tag , arcade , mini - golf , bowling , movie theater , trampoline places , rock climbing , paint - your - own - pottery , zoo , science museum , aquarium etc I wholeheartedly agree with this article . BUT , I don 't think we need to start inviting everyone to everything . I think the key is not to leave out a few . My kids can have a small birthday party and get gifts ( from kids that actually know them ) or a big party and get no gifts . Some of my kids choose small , some choose big . I don 't feel like birthday parties are a time we have to entertain 80 kids . The day isn 't necessarily special to the child if you are doing that . I think there are times for an entire grade to be invited to a party , but I don 't think this article is calling for that . Back " in the day " when kids were picked on , I think the mom 's tayed out of it and told the kids to " ignore the bully " . I was one that tried toignore the bullies but they thrw snow balls at me , chased me on the icey sidewalk cuasing me to fall , and then laughred at me . When I got home , late with bruised legs and cuts , again my mother accused me , of not ignoring the boys and pushed my self esteem down even further . That lasck of self esteem caused me to become overweight and when the kids poked fun of me , she again told me to ingore them . Wehn I didnt get asked to the sr high dance , she told me if was because I was too fat ! Mom became another bully ! MOTHERS … help your kids ! ! ! Don 't make them feel that they dseserve to be bullied for whatever the reason ! LOVE AND CARE FOR THEM ! ! ! Hi - A friend had post a link to your article " Being â €˜ Left Outâ €™ Hurts … " on Facebook . Over the last year or so , as my friends on Facebook have watched our daughters grow into pre - teens and teenagers , more and more posts seem to bring up problems regarding girl - on - girl " meanness " . Everyone commiserates , yet no one seems to know what to do to address the issue . > As my own daughter is entering the 6th grade next year , I am concerned as her father , that my sweet girl will at some point have to witness other girls being mean and cruel . I really would like to do more to help minimize this negative social behavior in my community , so I started doing some research online . I came across an organization that I really believe might help . Personally , from my own childhood experience , being actively involved in a peer leadership Jewish youth group ( Young Judea ) , I am a big proponent of positive peer leadership when in comes to impacting kids . This program utilizes the same strategy . Please take a moment to look at The Kind Campaign http : / / www . kindcampaign . com / . I think you will be impressed with their program / message . Nick , thank you for posting this ! My daughter is currently struggling with a parent who is the master of social engineering , possibly holds a secret PhD in the subject . My family has been struggling with this particular mom , who , unfortunately , is also our next door neighbor , for 2 years . I want to hang the white flag of surrender outside of my home . I have been mentally battling with ideas on how to fix this problem and ask all of the other parents " don 't you see what she is doing " , but sadly they are not stepping in and calling her out on it because their children are " included " in her agenda . It breaks my heart . While doing research on this topic I came across this blog and your post about the Kind Campaign and I am very thankful that I did . I am proposing this idea of bringing the Kind Club to our children 's school in September . I sincerely want to thank you for posting this , and to also thank you for helping to find a solution to this problem . First of all , what a great , eye opening article . Secondly , are you sure this bus mother story is actually true ? Or is it heard through a friend of a friend of a friend ? Sometimes I feel the stories generated in and about our community are played out like a game of " telephone " . I get asked all the time about rumors at my 2 kids overnight camps that are so ridiculous and far fetched that I am beginning to wonder if we aren 't all trying to pit mom against mom , parent against parent . Who can come up with the most extreme story . On another note , regarding the mom calling another mom about the party … is it better to pretend like she didn 't know she was leaving the other child out ? And I am a mom who over invites . However first we are being told , the parents who host the most lose the most . And in the next breathe , but if you don 't invite 40 plus kids , you hold the lock and key for one child 's devastated feelings . And who wants that ? And why is my middle school kid directed to invite people she / he doesn 't speak to at school or doesn 't have classes with ? I know I would not do the same as an adult . I wish that avoiding helicopter parenting came with the benefits of being " hands off " . However we as parents must find that delicate balance of how and when to get involved . And how to support each other and the kids in our community . It is becoming increasingly more challenging to role model for our kids while trying to stay out of their business . The school my kids attend has about 80 kids in a grade . About 20 % are Jewish , which amounts to about 20 or so bar / bat mitzvahs in 7th grade . Because there are so many , the school has an unwritten " policy " that you should either invite the whole grade or less than 10 . Many parents balk at this and the expense , but I always defend the school in that what if YOUR child was the one child that was left off of every list ? That would be a lot of Mondays to face after weekend festivities . When it came time for my own children , I adjusted the price point knowing how many kids I needed to accommodate . It was an invaluable opportunity for my children on inclusion and kindness . This story reminds me of when my daughter was 8 and went to park district day camp with 9 other girls from her grade at school . The 9 girls were all in a group together and my daughter was in another group with no one she knew and only 6 girls . In fact , one of the 9 girls was supposed to be in my daughterâ €™ s group and on the first day of camp , her mother promptly had her moved to the other group . When I questioned the camp director about how this could be allowed to happen , I was told it was due to a â € œconvoluted friendship request . â € ? Lisa , thanks for this blog . Someone asked if the rope on the bus story was true . My daughter was left out in a very similar way on a camp bus . A mom had gotten on the bus and saved a huge portion of seats for her daughter and friends . My daughter was forced to sit alone at the front of the bus and the bus pulled away with her looking out the window at me and crying . She stopped going to that same camp because so many of the mothers insisted that their daughters all be in the same cabin - so much so that the other cabins were very small . I actually find that when we leave the girls to their own devices they are often kinder and more inclusive then when the moms get involved . This is a very dangerous form of helicopter parenting that is so hurtful to our children . Thanks for starting a very needed conversation . Unfortunately this is how my fifth grader , C feels quite a bit . She hears of events that many of the girls she considers " friends " are invited to and she is not ( and I 've seen FB posts of the same ) and although she tries to hold it in , she feels the sting every time . I suppose you could say she is also a fringe type girl - unique and often misunderstood for her quirky ways , therefore not quite " in . " The fact that mothers are willing participants of this social engineering is truly disheartening . Adults can be bullies too ! I often wonder if my child is left out because of how the mother feels about me . Our daughters could very well enjoy each other 's company but the relationship is discouraged because my presence would be by default . I try to be as inclusive as possible with regards to both my child 's classmates as well as their parents . I 'm reasonable enough to understand that we naturally gravitate to certain groups of people , but I can attest that had I not given a second or even third chance to those I once considered incompatible , I would not have some of the wonderful friends I now hold dear . Our differences make it interesting ! While I do understand that it 's not reasonable to invite every single child ( or mom ) to every single event , purposeful and blatant exclusion for whatever end purpose is never acceptable . Thank you for this powerful article . If just one parent reads it and takes it to heart , then maybe just one child will not have her heart broken . this happens to parents too not just kids . I adopted older children neither my kids nor I have ever fit in . I get snubbed by the other parents because my kids didn 't grow up with them and equally by the adopted community because I didn 't adopt infants . We do fine by what few friends we have but its sad our society hasn 't evolved beyond this pettiness . One thing that you could have touched on , is the idea of making a commitment . You mentioned that all the girls that had made plans to trick or treat changed their minds and went to a party . I 've taught my middle school daughter that if you make plans with someone , you follow through . You do not abandon them because a better offer comes along . She would have been trick or treating that night , unless the girl that invited her cancelled first . Thank you so much for posting this ! I have a daughter in Kindergarten , and this type of behaviour is ALREADY beginning . And it 's not unique to girls by a long shot - my second - grade son is being excluded from multiple events because the parents of some of his classmates do not like ME . I could not care less on my own behalf , but it is unbelievable to me that other moms would behave this way towards children . I was prepared to deal with this sort of thing in middle and high school - but am truly heartsick to see it all has " trickled down " to so young an age . As a former elementary school teacher I saw lots of the wrong ways to have a birthday party ! I always spoke up about the invitation process and eventually said at the beginning of the year if you send out invites in class every child of the same sex HAS to be invited . It really made a difference and made the parents think . I LOVE this post ! My son has always been an excluded and at times even bullied kid and it 's just so frustrating . Sometimes I hop in and try to defend him , sometimes I leave it alone and counsel him to focus on the handful of kids who ARE nice to him . But it 's really painful for both of us . Yes , I get that my son is kind of an odd kid at times . But don 't people realize that even the odd kid has feelings too ? I love the idea of inclusive parties and just teaching kids ( and adults ) to just be kind . I hope this goes viral ! We have " odd kid parties " * laugh * My friend has a son who has some issues , and my son in on the autism spectrum and they have a blast ! Her son is 5 , mine is 2 1 / 2 , but they 're the same size so they don 't beat each other up too badly . I was the odd kid . My mom wasn 't quite right and we never fit in . I didn 't get invited to parties . I was bullied . You can bet I make sure my kiddos are open and inviting to all . They learn to get to know someone before you say you don 't like them . It 's perfectly ok not to like someone , but it better be for a good reason . Last year my daughter was bullied and dropped by a group of girls who were her friends . The bullying continued all year long . The school did nothing until it got physical . Without my intervention , that girl would have been suspended . We felt it was better to rise above and not put a mark on this girl 's school record . One of the mother 's had the gall to tell me that " my daughter is too naà ¯ ve " to participate in that behavior " . We are talking about 12 and 13 old girls , you can 't tell me your daughter did not know what she was doing . This brings to mind a situation in preschool that we experienced . One mom walked down the pickup line passing out invites to her daughters birthday party . My daughter was invited , but the woman who was standing next to me did not receive an invite to the party for her daughter . I felt so badly for this woman . You could tell she was upset . Our daughters were friends and did play dates at the time . Another time , one of the girls from a sports team only invited half the team to a sleepover and did so in front of the other girls . I actually called the parent out on that one . I told them at this age , it is unacceptable to not be inclusive . If you feel you can 't invite everybody , then do the invites privately . The summer after 7th grade , my parents signed me up to go to a YWCA camp that a number of my classmates had been going to for several years . My best friend , Linda , was one of the veteran campers . They also had " camp friends " who went to other schools . When we got to camp , they let us pick cabins . All the girls from my school wanted to be in the same cabin , but also include a couple of their other friends . That left no room for me . I will never forget Linda volunteering to leave " the group " , of which she had been a part of , to join me in another cabin and be my bunkmate . It turned what could have been a humiliating experience into a great one , and we both got to meet a bunch of new friends that summer . Amen Sister ! I try to do that kind of stuff whenever I can because I have two teenage girls who are so intelligent and awesome but don 't fit in with everyone else . They have been left out so much , each of them has tremendous scars . I try to stop any injustice I see , but my girls make fun of me now … . they won 't later . This was a really great article and I really enjoyed reading all of the replies . Normally , I don 't post comments on blogs , but this one got me thinking . How do you deal with the kid who is inclusive , inviting the whole class to the party , and then having no one come ? I have seen this happen in my family where a little girl invited my sister , along with the whole class and my parents tried to convince her to not go because the little girl lived in a dirty trailer and her family had some issues . My little sister didn 't care , and luckily she is strong enough to have resisted , because she was the only kid from the class to go to the party . Do you have any advice on how to deal with that kind of situation ? This post really hits close to home due to a recent situation with my 6th grader . In fact , I am more upset about it than she is . Someone who she considered a friend , in fact , she had a play date / sleepover with this summer , had a sleepover birthday party this month , invited her 3 bestffriends and excluded her . Her response was very mature , " She is obviously better friends with them than she is me . There are some kids who are friends with some of my good friends who I like but not enough to invite to my parties . " But the girl 's mother in this situation is the leader of her girl scout troop and with her position should have spoken up to her daughter . This , along with other situations that I observed is making me consider putting her in one of the other troops at the school . Scouts is supposed to be about friendship and self esteem and I don 't see it happening in this troop . Because my daughter isn 't that upset , do I have a right to advocate for what I see as an injustice ? I want to respond to this from someone who was in this situation and also someone who is a scout leader . First , I 've been there : last year a girl my daughter is minimally friends with now ( but had been close to in the past ) had a sleepover party where she invited 6 girls . 3 of those girls happen to be my daughter 's 3 best friends . The girl 's mom emailed me when the invites went out to explain that her daughter was only allowed to invite 6 friends and my daughter ( rightly ) did not make the cut . I thought it was nice of her to give me a heads up . That way I could have a private conversation with my daughter about the situation where my daughter said basically the same thing your daughter said and when the subject came up from one of her friends ( " I 'll see you at the party " ) she was OK with telling her friend she wouldn 't be there . The truth is that if my daughter could only invite 6 girls to her party , this girl would not make the cut either . However , when we had a large party later that year for my daughter 's birthday , we did invite this girl and we were happy that she came . It was the size of the party that impacted the invitation since not all friendships are created equal . Now , as a scout leader : I have 10 girls in my troop . My daughter would say she is friends with all of them and has probably had playdate and / or sleepovers with 8 of them . However , if she could only invite a few girls to a sleepover party , most of these girls would not be on her list . You are right that scouts are about friendship , but there is also degrees of friendship . Some girls are BFFs ( as my daughter would say ) , some are good friends , and some are just friends . There is nothing wrong with that . As adults we have those same levels of friendship . I would say that it might have been nice for the scout leader to speak to you privately ( as my daughter 's friend 's mother did ) , assuming she even knew the intricacies of the relationships between all the girls involved but I don 't think you should feel slighted by this or tReply Lisa G on September 26th If it were just the party , especially with my daughter 's attitude about it , I wouldn 't rush to find a new troop . But it 's other stuff too that I believe led to the exclusion . This past year , the leader yelled at her in front of others , singling her out . Once I was there in the middle of handling the situation and she jumped in , yelling at her in front of the group , sending her to sit in a corner . This attitude is rubbing off on the girls . I observed quite a few events where they were picking on her in a similar manner . Andra , I agree . Children need to allowed to choose their own friends ; that isn 't the same as being mean or exclusive . I can 't imagine being forced to invite all of my workmates out for drinks on a Friday so no one 's feelings are hurt . THAT is so phony and doesn 't speak to the type , of intimacy I want my children to develop . YES ! I agree completely with what you are saying . My daughter found out she was not invited to a party during the last school year . I could tell she was sad , but I asked if she was sad because she liked the birthday girl so much , or because she liked all of the other girls that were going ? And , then I asked her to make a list of her top 6 friends she would invite over for a sleepover . She realized she wouldn 't have invited that girl over either , they just have many friends in common . It helped her to realize that when she made her own list & saw that the people she considered her own friends were the same ones that DID invite her to their parties . Great post ! We experienced all this in 4th grade and I believe it all starts at home . While this is a life lesson it 's sad kids have to learn this so young . I always tell my daughter , kids that have to travel in a clique or group have to because they are insecure in themselves , but it 's no different than Mom 's that need to have groups as well . There is a great book out there Little Girls can be Mean , great ideas on how to deal with group dynamics at a young age . I LOVE LOVE LOVE this article . You have articulated every word [ so much better than I could ] of what I hope to teach my daughter . She 's not in the IN crowd most of the time but no matter what we always include everyone . Even a girl in her class that was being not so nice to her [ hoping that including her under my supervision of course would make things better … it didn 't but that 's a different topic ] . I will definitely be following this blog ! ! Great article . My daughter is only in 3rd grade but I can already see some mean girl behavior starting to sneak into her peers . Itâ €™ s unavoidable as they inch toward middle school but I think but as parents we really do have to be willing to step up and point out to the girls ( and their moms ) that this is not acceptable . This article also reminded me of my daughter 's birthday party last year . She said she wanted to invite her entire class . " I like them all , " she told me . I knew maybe half these kids ( her school is huge , 6 classes for every grade so she wasn 't in class with most of them before ) but I agreed under one condition : that her invitation say " NO GIFTS PLEASE " in big letters . I didnâ €™ t want her to invite the kids for the wrong reason ( i . e . more gifts ) and I didnâ €™ t know the financial situation of most of these families and I didnâ €™ t want that to be an excluding factor . My daughter agreed and we had an ice skating party . 40 kids were invited , 25 from her class and 15 that she would normally invite . It was lovely . No one was left out and the kids , boys and girls , all got along great . After the party , 2 moms came up to me and thanked me for inviting their daughters . They both said this was the FIRST party that their daughter had been invited to EVER . I didnâ €™ t know either of these families and my heart kind of broke for these girls and their moms . Iâ €™ m so proud of my daughter for inviting all these kids and it has opened my eyes to the fact that I need to encourage my daughter to be more open in her friendships and include those girls who may not normally be in her social circle . I read this article … which is terrific by the way … and was shaking my head ! Seriously , what is wrong with parents ! ? ! ? ! ? ! ? One thing that bothered me though was the trick or treating story . Why didn 't ANY of the moms tell their daughters you were already invited to go trick or treating with " x " and you said yes . You don 't just jump ship when a " better " invite comes along . To me , that seems like common sense and common courtesy and if some how I came to understand that the plans had changed I would have made darn sure that " x " from the original invite was included . I get everyone wants to be liked even parents but at the expense of a helpless child - I truly DO NOT get it ! What is wrong with all these parents you ask ? One Word : Narcissism . It 's the psychological term for evil . These people have no empathy . They are users and social ladder climbers . That 's all they care about and that 's the kind who usually end up as our political leaders unfortunately . I disagree that the mothers of the girls who were invited to the Halloween party should have called the party planner 's mother and askedâ € œHey , my daughter has plans with X , can she come too ? â € ? What those mothers should have done is told their daughters that once you accept an invitation from one person , you don 't break your plans with that person just because a " better " offer comes along . Then they should have had their daughters call party planner and say " thank you so much for inviting me , but I already made plans with X to go trick or treating . " It 's Etiquette 101 , and it would have taught their daughters a better lesson about how to handle their own affairs , and might have taught party planner a lesson about what can happen when you exclude people . People dismiss the likes of Emily Post for being old - fashioned , but rules like that emerged from centuries of experience . In the name of being less " stiff and formal " we 've thrown the baby out with the bathwater . As a young woman , I had been part of a group and then suddenly I was " out " . I have never forgotten it . I detest " the mean girls on the playground . " I made sure to advocate for my daughter when she was growing up and taught her to be a strong , confident woman . One time , she was to do a class project with a bunch of these girls - and she was being left to do all the work . I contacted the teacher , then contact the parent of every single girl and made arrangements to meet at one of the homes . I told them what was going on and that I had made the teacher aware of it , and that if they did not get together and work together on this project to my satisfaction , and the teacher did not hear back from me as to how it went , they would all be given failing grades . They got together , got over whatever issue they had , got the project done . I had polite chit chat with the other parents and left with my head held high and it stopped it right then and there on that day . I cared not for any of these parents then or since . My daughter has far out achieved every last one of them . I was there for her when she needed me , I handled it with grace and class . . Today , my daughter has a Master 's degree , works at a major international university and teaches pt at 2 others . She does not suffer fools and neither do I . Love this article . So wish this could be sent to everyone and every parent . Although these are about girls , boys too have the same problem . My son who is in third grade has asked to play football during recess . They have told him no , or they will say yes and he never gets the ball . They will laugh at him . At lunch they will tell him he can not sit by them . One of the boys sent him a card last year before school started stating hoe excited he was to be in class with my son . He stated that it will be fun to play with my son and egg to better know each other . Two weeks after school starts this boy has a birthday party my son was not invited . My son was so crushed , the boy said his mom had said no . Being in the thick of this is hard and my heart truly aches for my son . As Mom 's we all want our children to be included . How though ? I spoke with this Mom and she basically blew it off . It is a small town and there I a group of Moms here , sadly it is starting at a much younger age . I hate to be the jerk here … but here goes , why do moms keep their kids in these school ? ? Why ? We choose to privately educate our kids in Christian schools . These are small schools with 1 grade per class … yeah love that ! Our public schools let you know that if all the kids don 't get along … . no worries they 'll get mixed up next year and probably not be in the same class , SAY WHAT . How about we teach the kids to get along ? Far stretch for the public schools . I live in a very wealthy area and I would NEVER send my kids to any public schools they are breading grounds for bullies . I hate when I hear stories of girls bulling someone to the point of suicide yet they send their child back to that school even when they know the torture going on . PRIVATE PEOPLE and no it is not all that expensive . Here 's the deal , you get one chance at raising good respectful hopefully god fearing children . There are no do overs . SO while I am watching my friends daughter go to drug treatment because she 's in the " Good school " the school in the fancy neighborhood with more drug and alcohol problems then they know what to do with , I on the other hand have a high school junior who is off the charts balanced focused and treats people kindly and with respect . I went to a middle school 6 - 8th , and I hated it . I remeber feeling so out of place , wanting to still play with barbies yet now my 6th grade friend had a boyfriend . I vowed to NEVER send my children to Middle schools and they have been so much better off because of that . Some of go to church every Sunday and try to lead godly lives yet we send our children to school where God is not allowed … . why ? Regarding your comment : Unfortunately it happens in every school , not just public . We send our kids to a private , religion based school , and unfortunately a lot of the moms there " talk the talk " but do not " walk the walk " . The social engineering and cliques are rampant , I 'm sad to say . It is absolutely the parents ' responsibility to make sure their kids are behaving properly and , when at all possibly , fairly . But in jr high you start to let kids make their own decisions or at least give them a major part in a decision that impacts them . Who is or is not invited to a party can be part of that . As a parent , I always questioned my daughter on who she was inviting or leaving out and why if the latter . Sometimes I over ruled but mostly I didn 't . And I 'm sure there were times that my kid was the one left out . We can 't protect kids from everything and being left out isn 't the worse things kids have to deal with . You keep your eye on things and see if their reaction needs to discussed . I don 't tolerate bullying in any form and would love to protect every child out there from being hurt by the process of growing up . But those hurts are what make us stronger as well . I think I cried through out this whole article . My son has been left out of so many parties , events , and get togethers , There was even 1 time a kid in his 4th grade class asked him to give an invitation to a kid sitting next to him , but that he wasn 't invited . straight out . I am extremely proud of my son for being a strong young man who believes that he doesn 't need anyone in his life that doesn 't want him in theirs . I tell my children both Kids can be cruel but not worth you taking your life for because at the end I suffer and your father suffers . Those kids move on and grow up to be god knows what . Your better than that and if you see someone being mistreated or excluded you befriend them and let them know they have a friend . You dictate your social life do not let anyone dictate it . I think that if we share an article like this on our school facebook page maybe it will reach thos moms that are going through something like this or may it will open the eyes of that ignorant mother who thinks that by trying to fit in to be popular she is doing no harm . so thank you My grandson has been through much the same thing at his school . He is now in junior high and his best friend has deserted him for " the group . " My heart aches for him but I figure he will find other friends . As a retired teacher , I felt I could do much in my classroom by telling students that if you bring invitations to school , the whole class of boy or girls should be invited . Otherwise , the invitations should be delivered outside of school . Discussions of times you were with other students and one of the classmates was not invited should be avoided . I stressed that in our classroom we are a family and we look after the feelings of others . I wish I would hear that other teachers are doing the same . It is important that children learn to be good citizens and caring of others ! This happens with boys too . My oldest son has this same experience and it is so hurtful . By the way it starts in elementary school and in some cases even preschool . We moved into a new school district when my oldest was half way through his first grade year . We never could get into that group because the moms went so far as to get their sons into classes together . Also since we knew how it felt to move , I made sure that my sons included everyone especially the new kids . My son is in HS now and that group is still going strong and is still as exclusive as ever . My middle child is fine . We either do not have an " in " group or we are on the fringe of it . People are more inclusive with his group . My youngest child 's grade also has an " in " group and this one came about as changes in the school . We have one class that gets to learn Spanish & that group sticks together their entire time in elementary . school . That group is very tight and won 't let in outsiders . I really dread the middle school and HS years . This article is dead on and what people have done have really hurt people . I get that people make friends and are too busy to try to reach out to others , but I think some of these moms have just taken it up a notch and been too exclusive and just plain lazy . . I read your article shaking my head , My family moved to the suburbs nearly 2 years ago , and to be honest we are counting the months until we can get out ( 19 more ) My children have grown up living around the world from Italy to Asia . The issues in the suburbs stem from one thing as far as I can see . MOTHERS ! There seems to be an unspoken hierarchy where in one mother appoints herself the leader and the others just sort of follow along . . or at the very least no one stand up to her EVER ! Everyone in the suburbs seems to be in competition with the people around them . Who has the biggest car … what company who 's husband works for . Is my daughter the best { fill in the blank } If a mother feels threatened in any way then watch out , and if it happens to be the leader of the pack 's kid who takes aim then you might as well put a for sale sign up and go ! The schools are run by a select few parents , and if they decide you are not in then you and your kids are out . The administration allows it because the school board is publicly elected . Having never lived in the suburbs as a child , I honestly thought moving my kids to one would be the best thing for them . How wrong I was . My older 2 sons thrive in high school in spite of what seems to be the acceptable norm . I don 't blame the mothers who run around stirring the pot . After all it has probably been their modus operandi for a long time . I blame the mothers who see it and do nothing about it . What must that say to a child who was just bullied or uninvited ? While I am used to hearing that we are " not permanent " and therefor could not possible understand the choices and decisions parents have to make , we are still parents and no neighborhood reputation is ever more important that my kids feelings . The suburbs will change drastically over the next 10 - 20 years and it will be interesting to see how these kids survive in the real world … Hey I did the entire class invite in October for my December birthday kid until 6th grade . Then it was not cool to do . Started the same tradition with my next kid . One particular child I invited had some emotional and behavioral issues and I asked a parent to attend also . They didn 't . This child tried to choke 2 other children at the party . I called the Dad who had custody that weekend . He showed up 2 hours after party was over , no apology in fact he laughed . . Sometimes inclusion of everyone is not good . This is a great article . My daughter is only in 3rd grade and this is starting already , with who is in the " in " group or not . It is very frustrating when she says " no one likes her " or she wasn 't invited " . Children have feelings to and this article hit it on the nose . I try and teach my daughter that everyone is equal but that is hard when you have some mothers who believe their child is above . This is a sad situation that can scar children for life . Parents encouraging exclusive behavior is ridiculous for sure . And the bus seat roping was way out of line . However , sometimes not being included in a party is an important life lesson . The best takeaway is to teach kids to understand that itâ €™ s not always because you are being bullied . Sometimes it is for other reasons completely . And Iâ €™ m glad you all seem so well - off . But , as a single mother , when my daughter wanted to have a laser tag party for her birthday this year , at $ 20 + a kid , inviting the whole class was just not an option . As kids grow up , they create stronger bonds with some kids than others . Of course , it is frustrating when those bonds are controlled / engineered by mean moms . Thanks for writing this . As the mom of a 7 year - old girl , I 'm just beginning to see some of these behaviors in the kids in her life . One thing I kept going back to is your story about the Trick - or - Treating party . I was raised by a mom who is well versed in social etiquette ( like , Emily Post level ) and , once I accepted an invitation , I was never allowed to later decline if something else " better " came along . As I read that paragraph , I kept thinking how I wouldn 't even allow my daughter to do what the " other " girls did . Sadly , you learn very quickly who your real friends are in situations like these … and they happen in adulthood , too . Thank you for writing this article . Of a mom of 4 kids . I had to put my child who is in Middle school n a special program bc she was bullied and left out . She has learned so much but has to make new friends of lovely speaker phone and being left alone at the lunch ! ! Kids are so mean today . . I have to say that my son has even seen this come from MOMS of other boys . My son is a 15 year old straight A student , a talented pitcher for the baseball team and well liked by many . What I am so proud of is how he has stood up for the underdog . . and his friends are genuine . BUT the moms can be brutal . There are a few , but one in particular , that feels her son is # 1 and can do no wrong . She will ' go after ' the type of people that she feels is best for her son . My son decided he wanted little to do with him . According to my son this young man would blame everyone else if he made an error on the field or court … he and my son are both great athletes but this mom didn 't seem to like the fact that my son would go after hers to worship him . Now the entire family is out of our lives … our choice . A great learning experience for our entire family . Adults can really hurt too . Thanks for sharing all this ! I think it should be mentioned that we moms need to look in the mirror . How many baby showers , bridal showers , etc . , have we hosted and then post pictures on facebook ? Every single time this happens , I can assure you that there are people whose feelings get hurt . I have heard of it from other people , and it has also happened to me . If you are not including your whole " group " in a gathering , don 't advertise it on facebook . I learned the hard way when I left someone out of a bridal shower that I hosted and several of us posted pictures on facebook and a friend called me crying because she hadn 't been invited . I left her off the guest list because not everyone likes her . But her hurt was real , and I felt very bad that I had left her out . Sure , people should be able to invite whoever they want , but we should also be sensitive to other people 's feelings and not advertise it . The time I got left out of a mom 's - night - out gathering only to see all my friends on facebook drinking margaritas together hurt . Our children learn from our example . Let 's set a good one in our own lives , not just in theirs . Thank you for this article . As a parent it makes me realize that I am not going crazy here . I do remember the " groups " and the drama even when I was in school but I think with social media it has gotten a lot worse . We are new to the area ( 2 years now ) and being the new girls then my oldest being diagnosed with type 1 diabetes it has been rough with all the cliques and popular groups . I pray each day the my girls will be themselves and find inner strength to shine for who they are and include everyone along the way . Thanks for this message . I just wish the parents and the kids that are doing this could read it and take it to heart . Thank you for writing this article . It could have been written for the town I live in . I do blame the parents for a lot of this crap that is happening . Not only purposeful exclusion but being blind to what your kids are doing to others is torturing sweet , amazing girls . I am the mother to three girls , ages 6 to 12 , and my heart breaks sometimes when I see what goes on . The best I can do is to teach them the proper way to treat others and facilitate a different , more inclusive type of environment . There is so much about bullying which of course is a horrible situation . However , sometimes I think being ignored is just as horrible . This must be a new thing where parents insert themselves into every aspect of their kids lives . When I was growing up , it was up to me who I chose to be my friend , who I invited to parties , i made my own decisions . Parents need to stop micromanaging and living their kids lives . Moms really need to grow up and learn the correct way to raise children . It still goes on after many years , as I 've just seen after my 40th class reunion . About 15 of the more popular girls from high school ( living locally ) have formed a lunch club that meets once a month . I am FB friends with several , and only learned about it through their postings . It hurts , but it doesn 't , that I was not asked . These ladies acted the same way in high school . It wasn 't ALL of them , but the original planners wanted to keep it within a small group worried that it would become too large if they invited everyone . I made a catty remark about wondering what they wear , since they are all too fat to wear their cheerleading uniforms or sorority shirts . I wouldn 't have joined unless it had been open to all . Another suggestion I would give if you find yourself hosting a large birthday party is one that will benefit others . Instead of gifts for the birthday person , ask that they bring an item for a cat or dog in a shelter ( toys , leashes , collars , chew bones , shampoo , bags of food , etc ) These items are usually less expensive than a real present . Teaches your child compassion , and sets an example for their friends . Items don 't have to be wrapped , and can be placed in a container , so there is no worry who brings a present and how much it costs , plus if there are ' doubles ' they are still needed . Thank you for the article . These are very difficult times for any kid . And I try very hard to always treat others the way I would want to be treated and pray my kids learn by example . If every parent could read this than maybe it would help make a difference and save kids ( AND parents ) from the constant pain ! I have been on both sides of this . Both of my daughters have been a part of the " in " crowd at a younger age . I wasn 't arranging these friendships and didn 't pay attention to the fact that they were seen by other moms as being a part of the mean crowd . These were just my daughter 's friends , plain and simple . Eventually , my 9th grader figured out that she didn 't agree with the group 's behavior and slowly found other like minded friends . It was a lonely time , but I kept telling her that there are so many other girls to meet , she just had to try and put herself out there . Why would you want your children to be " included " in a group that doesn 't want them ? Isn 't that just as damaging to force a friendship ? If my girl 's aren 't invited to something and it 's hurting their feelings , I let them know that everyone can 't be invited to everything … If she feels it is her good friends and they are purposefully excluding her , then she needs to call them and ask the friend if there is an issue she didn 't realize . As a Mom , I am not going to call an acquaintance to ask that my daughter be invited their child 's get together , for any reason . Either it was an honest mistake on the parent 's part , we can 't all keep track of everyone or everything . Or , they really didn 't want her there - so that 's fine . Then I ask my younger daughter how she has been treating her " friends " , and find out that maybe she hasn 't always been the nicest . So . . she better start working on that ! It is just as bad to be the helicopter parent that pushes for inclusion in a group , because you will never be accepted if they don 't want you . Have your child go out of their way to find the other lonely kid in the lunchroom and strike up a new friendship . Reply Lori Cox on October 2nd I was excluded as a young girl . There was only one other girl in my neighborhood and every summer the granddaughter of a neighbor came down to visit . I always looked forward to spending time with both , but it rarely happened , as they made plans that never included me . Now , both are teacher of sorts … makes me wonder about their " inclusion " philosophy now . I am sure they have never given a single thought to how their actions affected me - but that , along with the " in " clique in high school made me hard and I closed off my heart to everyone but a very few close friends . My mother was no help , of course , being a bully in her own way , but no one ever noticed . My heart breaks for young girls today who are mistreated solely for someone else 's entertainment , and that is all it is plan and simple . And you were very right in that mean , superficial girls become mean , superficial moms . Too bad everyone eats the crap they spew about " caring " for others . If they cared for others they would not exclude others . PERIOD . I have 2 daughters and they have hearts of gold . We have never excluded anyone intentionally . In fact , we have made points to include people that others didn 't like , because my daughter did like them and we were not leaving them out . A dose of their own medicine is the best eye opener . I think every adult , young adult , and youth should read this and become educated . This article is just about not leaving anyone out . I am NOT a mom but I am an adult woman that hears , reads , and acknowledges that I need to know this because I have nieces , nephews , little cousins and work with and around kids that must read this . We need to change the whole way we interact with one another . I experienced being left out , excluded and being the out cast through out my childhood but I can 't lie I see the benefit of being left out some times . you learn to make your own decisions and not be a follower . My mom taught me that when I would go home and cry or complain about not being included . The after effects we are seeing made on children today are horrific . But I am glad someone noticed and is blogging and sharing with others about how wrong it is to exclude others and for parents to teach by example . It doesn 't just happen to females . Now that kids are raising in a no fighting environment , boys will also take on social bullying . My son was a target through most of his school years until he graduated . We had those umbrella parties , but many chose not to come or show up at the partiy . Finally we pared the list down to more likely candidates for friends , most of them from other towns . My son met new friends through sports and still has them . They worship him and enjoy their times together . When you live in a small town , whatever stigmas are attached to you in younger years are hard to shake off . My son had a speech delay which made it hard to communicate in his younger years where many friendships are forged . We were able to overcome the speech problem after surgery and lots of physical therapy . Now that he ; s in college as a freshman , he has lots of friends who know nothing of his past problems so he was able to wipe the slate clean . He has quite a few groups of teens who hang out with him and do great activities like sports , dining out , going to special events . If I hadn 't pushed him into the sports in other towns , who knows how he would have turned out with all this negativity around him . I liked a lot of things about this article - I agree that girls can be really mean and that it does really stink to be left out and that mother 's get too involved in manufacturing and managing their kids social activities . The story about the Mom with the rope , is completely appalling , I often wonder about the audacity of people who have no self awareness . Speaking of which , I need to call you out on your own . While I think it was nice of you to have a party for the entire grade , you in fact were doing the same thing as the other mothers in terms of " social engineering " Your motivations were seemingly better spirited than some of the other engineers that you mention but it was engineering none the less . The fact is in life , there is nothing that everyone is invited to - that is not reality . I am not expert in this area but what I have found works is teaching your kids that they are not going to be invited to everything and that sometimes people want to spend time with certain people and not others and that while it might hurt a little , it is normal and a part of life . I don 't expect my kids to include every one around them in everything that they do , but what I expect is for them is to be kind , think of others feelings and treat everyone around them with respect and compassion . On a similar but related note , I think much of this Girlilla Warfare ( great name by the way ) is poor self esteem and lack of communication . I am often flabbergasted by my daughter and her group of friends , for the most part they are very close and act very kindly to each other but there are times when I am surprised at their seemingly level of closeness how they struggle to communicate their feelings with each other . I see this particularly when they are upset with one another , instead of talking about it , they put up walls and make assumptions about what the other is thinking , then everything turns into a fireball of misunderstanding . We need to teach our kids ( girls and boys alike ) that it is ok to disagree with our friends orReply David on October 7th Of course the woman on the bus is a jerk for what she did ; but the fact that the world is full of jerks who will hurt your feelings is an immutable reality of society . Trying to right this wrong might make you feel good , but it doesn 't prepare your child for the real world . These kids don 't want your child in their group , or their parents have manipulated them into thinking that they don 't . That is tough to change . Why not teach your daughter not to care what others think who do not care about her ? Why not teach her to make friends with people that do care about her ? Why not teach her to register complaint with these girls on her own behalf and fix the situation on her own ? Teach her some sort of coping skill , other than " my Mommy will throw a special party where everyone in the world gets along like family " as her way to deal with the unfortunate aspects of teenage society . Isnâ €™ t it the lack of these coping skills , and the focus and drama that parents like you put on these situations by trying to fix them that cause kids to commit suicide ? Your social engineering might feel kinder , but I think that it 's crueler to your own child in the long run . There is a measure of bulling you introduce when you create pressure on kids to include everyone . So many women seem quick to slap the " mean girl " tag on any kid or group that makes their child feel mistreated ; justified or not . If my daughter and her friends want to spend time together on a bus , and that makes your child feel badly , is that always my childâ €™ s fault ? Is it her responsibility to make every girl feel included by her ? She might look confident and popular to you , but she 's a little girl too trying to figure out how the world of social interaction works . Thatâ €™ s hard enough , without her having to raise your child for you . Most of the time when I see a mother upset that her child is unjustifiably mistreated , I learn from the kids that the treatment is quite justified . If your daughter says hurtful things and my daughter doesn 't want to spend time with her , my daughter is not wrong . I teach her to befriend people who treat her well , and be cordial and avoid those who donâ €™ t . Because your child targets my daughter and her group because they think itâ €™ s the â € œAâ € ? crowd , it is not their responsibility to include her if sheâ €™ s not nice to them . I notice that you were quick to label the kids into groups . Maybe you are teaching your child to be a social climber , when you should be teaching her to treat people in a nicer way that will allow her to attract real friends , not show friends that will get her included in Facebook posts . This is for the winter birthday party . Have a soup party . Everyone dresses in warm clothes and brings a hot soup and the host grills hotdogs . Play music so they can dance and stay warm . I have been to a couple with adults and they have been fun . they can be held in a garage and driveway . Of course this make an assumption that ones self worth is to then be defined by others . If I could do anything for kids , it is to give them months of solitude to free them from any need for others , have them love who they themselves are then most of this awkward social stuff would go away . Relationships in any form are evil as they all are based on assumptions . When you know and love yourself you do not have " relationships " you simply " relate " who you are in the moment . I spent years in social solitude ( in my teens ) to practice meditation and found myself and no longer need others approval , once you love yourself you stop looking for others to love you . It is ones light that draws others to them , you want friends ? Learn how to shine from with in ! Synopsis ! I can relate to this ! I would have appreciated some parental direction when I was in puberty ! My parents had to work and my older sister was in charge of my activities ! I made a lot of mistakes and had it not been for mentoring by several of my teachers I would have gone down the wrong path ! I was able to pull myself up and into college prep classes in 10th grade and never looked back ! Too much involvement by parents is worse than not enough ! Parents should set an example for their kids not don 't do as I do , do as I say ! Most kids don 't want to be like their parents the idiot woman " roping off a section of bus seats sounds mental ! Kids have to learn from their mistakes Sadly in todays social climate they don 't have a lot of latitude and one major mistake will dictate all future efforts and will be attached for the rest of their lives ! If parents want to micromanage their kids they need to be able to afford a private school and or a para milatery institution ! Good luck ! If I didn 't know better , I would think you had a direct line to my house . I realize this article is two years old , but you have hit the nail on the head . It is delicate balance of guiding our children by example and completely engineering their social lives ( and status ) . My daughter is one who falls between the cracks : on dance team , makes great grades , has a few friends ( but no " group " ) , is a little on the shy side , but kind to everyone . Middle School is brutal for her . She is left out of so many social activities orchestrated by these mothers . It is truly painful for my child ( and a few others ) . Kudos to you for making the call ! I will take that step the next time an opportunity presents itself . It is crucial for our children to be raised by responsible adults , not by their peers . Children raising children is the blind leading the blind . Check out the book , " Hold On to Your Kids " by Neufeld , Ph . D . and Mate , M . D . It stresses the importance of parents being the compass point for their children , rather than having children be peer - oriented . Interesting and something I didn 't think about before . It is very sad that these young impressionable girls have to deal with this at such an earlier age than I remember it happening . I am so happy that mine found " herself " in Middle School and met a group of great girls that have the same interests as her . Grade school was a pretty bad experience for her and when I went to the school about bullying , I was told that they couldn 't do anything about it because it was mostly happening on the bus ! When she came home with bruises on her back from a girl kicking her in choir , then they finally did something . Although that something was to call all of the girls in a room and basically make my daughter feel like it was her fault . As the father of a wonderful 6th grade girl , this article made me both angry and sad . Angry at the parents who allowed their kids to bully others with social stigma , and sad that so many kids are " out " of the inside group . We heard an NPR report several years ago about a gradeschool that started a rule 25 years ago where if any kid asked another if he / she could play with them , the second child MUST say yes . They interviewed adults who had gone through that school when they were younger , and they talked about how life changing that was - and how hard it was as a young child to be inclusive . We started that same rule with our own kids , and added one of our own : when there 's a new kid in school , we expect our children to be the first one to be friendly with them and ask them to play . One or two children acting this way can change a class - even an entire school . We know it 's hard on them sometimes , but we 've heard from other parents how important it is for their own kids to experience this . And I 've never been prouder of my daughter than when some girls tried to exclude a friend of hers from their play group , and she responded , " If you don 't want to play with him , then I don 't want to play with you ! " Raising strong , inclusive children is our most important responsibility as parents , IMHO . Great article . I am a mom of a 5 year old and baby girl and I am already dealing with this at the pre - k level . I am also a psychotherapist . Watching how the other moms allow their children to publicly shun my daughter it has become clear to me this is why bullying has gotten to the level it has . As adults we don 't give a clear message anymore about what 's acceptable because of the fear of stepping on toes , or the idea that we shouldn 't get involved in other peoples parenting . While I believe it 's true to an extent , as adults we should all be sending clear messages to our kids at that moment about what 's okay and what 's not . It floored me that at the end of the year the mom whose daughter orchestrated a campaign against my daughter actually said to me my daughter is so mean , I hated the mean girls growing up ! I didn 't know what to say in the two minutes before our kids came out - like how about corecting your daughter when you see her intentionally hurt other children . What 's sad is we informed the pre - k teacher and she helped a little but essentially said it was our daughters fault because of her personality . However , the damage was done with the rest of the class . Walking into school I heard little 4 year olds say things like I can 't be your friend because I 'm friends with " mean girl " . My nanny even said to me when she first started helping with transport , boy some of those moms are mean aren 't they - as they were openly talking about how angry and disgusted that one of the kids had lice when every parent was there for pick up . Breaks my heart to see my 5 year old crying at night that people think she is terrible . Well , I chose to be one of the parents that corrects my kid when she tries to be mean back . What 's sad is she is not a kid that 's like that . She wants to be friends with ALL people , and I mean that literally . But as she has been shunned and hurt , she has tried out some of the same behaviors . I correct her immediately and in front of the other parents - we are kind to evReply Stacy on June 3rd Great article ! Based on this post , you may find the upcoming Dateline NBC program to be VERY informative . ( I 'm scheduled to be on it ) . Can read details on my blog : http : / / stacysnotes . com / 2015 / 06 / 02 / teachable - moments - dateline - nbc / I read this and have been crying over it . My daughter is five and just finished pre - k . Her teacher announced how this is the first year were all the kids were friends and I cannot imagine them not at that age . It scares me to think what is to come then . This is such a great article . I am at the " beginning " of my journey , as my daughter is very young . Interestingly , we have a mother who has created a " Social Rope " for her own child . She manages to get special treatment , front row seats and first entry at every event ; she has managed to have her child 's daily lateness and weekly absences from school expunged and absolved from every rule for attendance ; no other parent ever has a chance to talk to the classroom teacher or who is in charge at an event because this mom is always usurping all of their time , until they have no time left for anyone else ; while other parents are " banned " from the classroom because it is disruptive to the children and counter - productive to their developing independence , this parent roams freely within the classroom and halls , ingratiating herself into the gongs - on and rituals that the rest of us can only watch from outside the doors of the school . Not only do we other parents see it , but our children , boys and girls alike , comment on it and question why we can 't do the same . It is very sad to see this parent creating her own insular existence for her child , who is , sadly , suffering because of it . What is saddest is that this child is going to be EXACTLY the exclusionary , cliquey girl that is referenced in this article . Hopefully , the rest of us moms can help our own children grow into welcoming young people who don 't fall prey to this type of behavior ! Thanks for posting this . My daughter went to a small parochial elementary / middle school and had the misfortune to start there in 5th grade , after the small class had already formed their allegiances . I saw her go from a happy , confident child to a sad and morose one , and to this day , she still struggles with the issues that were engendered by the other kids ' rejection . It didn 't help that we were not members of the parish or even Catholic , so the sorts of social bonds that were formed were between mostly the kids whose parents did go to that church and who had been together in the one class since kindergarten . My other kids fared better because they started younger . I look back on that time and wished I had tried throwing a few parties myself , but we 've never been " party " people and did not hold yearly birthday parties for our kids like most of the parents . I agree , invite all , or don 't have parties at all or don 't hand out the invitations at school . I moved to a small town to raise my daughter as a single mom , from a city after divorce . I had hopes of a happy life for my daughter and I . We have been here 10 years , and we are still without friends to spend time with . Since day One of kindergarten , Girl Scouts , Sports , we have been excluded from The Clique . We went trick or treating when my daughter was 6 alone , and we 're sobbed by an entire trailer of parents and kids trick or treating as a group . No matter how helpful I was as a parent with school , sports or Scouts activities , We were never included socially . Mom 's actually snob me in the grocery and my daughter is left out at school , not allowed to evens it at the lunch table with The Popular Girls . My daughter is not a cheerleader , not in sports , not fitting into the look of a Bow head or personality of the status group . She is a very pretty , , shy and kind girl , who does not want to be part of such a mean group of girls . My daughter is 14 and suffering through this experience . I can not afford to move to another community . I have a good career , beautiful home and I love my beautiful area I live in , but the people largely are not so beautiful . I am looking into online schooling , but sadly , my kid is still alienated socially . The world socially has become status driven and it is hard to bear . Thank you for this article ! I am passionate about battling self esteem issues in teenage girls and you are very right that , as mothers , we tend to forget how much power we have in that area because we 're So busy focusing on our own child . I 'm so glad this is making it 's way around Facebook and I hope it opens some eyes . Just subscribed to your blog ! Sharing your article with my 14 - year - old daughter completely changed her whole outlook about a hurtful situation in her dance group . She changed from coming home in tears night after night and questioning her worth to being confident and happy again . Even better , she is talking about a situation when she was the excluder and how much she appreciates the forgiveness of that particular friend , and she is looking around for kids who might be feeling excluded or just not a part of the group . Wow . Thank you so much . Love this article ! ! Here 's my problem … . . my daughter has 3 very good friends from out of town . In order to keep the girls together , they dance and go to camp together . The 3 moms are VERY tight ( not with me - and I 'm ok with that . ) However , they very often leave my daughter out of everything from movies to checking out DJs for their upcoming Bat Mitzvahs . My daughter either hears about it from the girls or on social media . IT HURTS ! She cries . She thinks the girls don 't like her , but its the lack of thought on the mother 's part . I 've approached them about this . The most dominant in the bunch told me I have no business knowing what she does with her spare time . Of course I don 't ! I don 't care either ! But when I call to tell her my child is hurt , crying and feeling left out , I expect some kindness … NOPE ! A huge fight began with her telling me that I just want to be right . Well , so does she ! That was months ago and things have become worse . They leave my daughter out ALL the time ! They just chose a sleep away camp together and then asked me if my daughter wants to go . I had no hand in choosing a camp , date , etc . My daughter sees right through it - she sees herself as an afterthought . Its horrible ! ! The thing is , these moms don 't think they are doing anything wrong ! What 's up with that ? Read about the epidemic of Narcissism in America . Narcissism is not really about vanity . It 's a MORAL disorder and it is widespread . Selfishness and always having to " win " and be " right " are strong red flags of this disorder , which is a seared conscience ( no human empathy ) Read about what Narissism entails then you will understand what is wrong with these ( heartless ) " Moms . " And they are breeding more narcissists in their own children by their hideous examples . It 's truly disgusting My 11 yr old daughter was " ousted " from the group of " popular girls " that she was friends with for 5 years . It was said because I was " too involved " with the girls . I was the only stay - at - home Mom of the group so I was the Mom who did a lot of drop - offs , pick - ups , trips to movies , beach , babysitter on 1 / 2 days of school , etc . I guess when I helped those Moms by always being available that wasn 't " too involved " . What they didn 't like was that I gave their daughters advice , WHEN ASKED . However , my suggestions were ALWAYS followed with , " but tell your Mom & Dad , or Ask your Mom & Dad " . My daughter was so upset that I apologized to her and wrote a letter to these 5 Moms apologizing to them and promising to step back . My daughter read the letter and thanked me . My daughter asked me for days if any of the Moms called or texted . Not one of those Moms replied to my letter . My daughter 's reaction ? She said , " Mom , you did the right thing and I 'm proud of you . I feel sorry for those Mom 's who won 't accept your apology after all that you 've done for them and their daughters over these last 5 years . I hope they never make a mistake or want someone 's forgiveness and understanding . " A few months later , we heard from another of my daughter 's friends who told her that she was at one of the girl 's homes when the letter arrived . The Mom saw my return address label and tore up my letter ( as she mumbled some curse words ) without even opening it . My daughter said , " you just can 't talk to someone like that " ! I said yes , it 's called ignorance ! Your article is so right ! ! Sadly , these Moms are just so happy that their daughter is included that they don 't care about someone who is being excluded ! It 's , " Better them than me " ! Eventually , it WILL happen to their daughter at some point . Your story reinforces my belief that bullying does not end with high school . Moms like the ones you describe ARE THE PROBLEM . I feel sorry for the man who is married to the one who tore up the letter . She sounds like a real charmer . Someone tries to build a bridge and she burns the bridge while swearing . I pulled this blog entry up in a search about my daughter being excluded by friends , and yes , the issue has to do with parents . I just wanted to point out … don 't think it is just tweens and teens . My daughter is 8 ! So sad how parents live their own anxieties out through their children . I appreciate your advice and wisdom . Thanks ! My youngest is 8 as well . The other parents when I have approached the topic simply says its kids being kids . But it would be different if it was their daughter being left out . I have two daughters . Both active in sports and theater . They are not " in " either group but have friends in both . They like both worlds for their differences . I let them choose what they wanted to try and I encouraged trying a lot . But when some of the girls play in front of our house and I encouraged my youngest to go outside to play , they all left when she came out … Twice . Two different days . Saying she was too much of a little girl . I find I am not equipped to handle the girls drama . As boys , we disagreed , there was a fight , then we were friends again by lunch . But we ( boys ) needed more people to play the things we wanted . Hard to play football with two people , or baseball with only three . You need two teams . No , I don 't think this is right . I feel for people who are left out , but if you are friends with everyone , then you are friends with no one . The people you invite should be special to the kid . They should not be invited because they will otherwise feel bad . I agree that we should stop social engineering And forcing kids to invite anyone they wish to exclude IS social engineering . If your kid doesn 't want to be friends with someone , then they don 't . Why not respect that , and trust them ? My daughter has a definite aversion to some of the girls in her class , and she definitely has been open in telling her friends that she is uncomfortable around them , and won 't go if they go . Actually , the teacher did ask me to interfere , and I have refused . Kids need to make their own way . Of course there are some kids that I would like my girls to choose , and some kids that I don 't much like myself , but in the end it is up to them . I can identify with not wanting to associate with people that I don 't like or can 't connect with . As somebody with a history of developmental delays , I was ostracized and made fun of by other kids while growing up , especially in high school . Three years after graduating from high school , at my mom 's suggestion , I went on a trip that was supposedly for adolescents and young adults with learning disabilities , but , as it turned out , the vast majority of these particular people had developmental problems that far surpassed my own . Some of the campers I really didn 't like as people , while others were nice enough , but their problems were way too severe for me to make any kind of connections with . It did not work out for me , but I learned something about myself during that summer that it took a great many years to realize : Spending time alone is far more preferable to me than spending time with people that I either don 't like as people , or simply can 't connect with . Great article and comments ! I have a 16 year old son , He has a great group of friends , guys and girls , and they get together a few times a month , probably about 7 of them . None of them go to his school but used to so they have all stayed pretty close . There is one kid that goes to his school that also knows the group so he has started going with them places . They mostly go to each others houses with a pool or 4 wheelers . This newer kid now has a pool and is inviting everyone over except my son . My son is pretty sure he is not getting asked b / c the pool kid likes a girl that doesnt like him back and she talks to my son more than the pool kid when they are all together . Sounds like a jealously thing but I am furious over this especially since we know the parents of the pool kid and my son and their son have really never had any issues . My son is taking the high road and blowing this off but I feel like I need to bring this up to the pool kids mom , she should know better . But these kids are all 16 and the last thing I want to do is look like a doting mom . Help ! Help your child cultivate a strong sense of internal identity and get him or her into activities outside of school with kids from other schools . Help your child master something such as a sport or an artistic skill . Plan for college and get your child excited about the future . Most of all , explain to your child that he or she is the strong one and not those who exclude . Tell him or her that people who exclude are deeply insecure , small , petty , and broken people . Teach your child how to rise above and not be small , petty , and insecure like the ones who exclude others . My daughter has a group of friends , and one of the Moms insisted on meeting for coffee last year with myself and another Mom because there was a girl in their class who was being quite rude to all the other girls . This Mom wanted to talk about ways we could empower our girls to stand up to this girl and also maybe confront the Mom of the girl . We did talk about ways we could get our kids to stand up to her , and nothing really changed throughout the school year . Then this school year starts , and I find out my child was not invited to the coffee - inviter Mom 's child 's party - but the " mean girl " was invited . I am pretty shocked to say the least . I hurt and hurt because my daughter keeps getting excluded . I keep coming back to this website for help . Thank you ! I do think moms care about social status . They don 't care about the excluded child as long as their child is included .
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After over a week 's worths of posts leading up to the release of City of Heavenly Fire , you may or may not have realized at this point that we kinda like Cassandra Clare and the various book - like objects she creates . Only a little though . And by a little , I mean , enough that my insides are burning up more than Jace 's right now . Ha , see what I did there ? Okay , sorry , I know I 'm not funny . Anyway , the night of May 26th , ( and the day of too ) , We Live and Breathe Books ( minus Amrutha ) finally left our computers and went to New York City for an event featuring not only the wonderful Cassandra Clare , but also a panel of guests consisting of the oh - so - fabulous Maureen Johnson , Holly Black , Kelly Link Joshua Lewis , and David Levithan ( who was filling in for Scott Westerfeld who was , unfortunately , the final death in the book ) . I just want to take a second to appreciate how cute fierce and smoldery we are . Okay , are you done appreciating the way our eyes are luring you in to your inevitable doom due to excessive seduction and badassness ? No ? It 's okay . Take your time . We 'll move on when you 're ready . Kiersten 's lovely mother accompanied us to the city as well , so she was also part of our group and drove us in to New York early . There were only four or five people in front of us waiting in line , and we ended up getting seats right up in the front , close enough to see every little detail on everyone 's faces ( especially the ones on Maureen 's dress ) . Of course , before we went in , we had to wait outside with everyone else . And some of those " everyone else " people included booktubers who also attended the event and who we absolutely freaked out about meeting ! Look at this beautiful picture and feast upon the glory of Christine ( xtinemay ) and Kat ( katytastic ) and their Amazonian beauty . We look like mere tree stumps compared to them . Seriously . Like , standing there looking at them I felt like they were beautiful goddesses and I was a literal potato who someone had carved facial features into . Anyway , Marlon and I had premium tickets and Kiersten and her mother did not because of how things like classes and college and timing worked out when we were buying them , we had to separate in line for a little while . Marlon and I went inside first and split up so he could go buy vouchers so we could get our books at midnight , and I could go save four seats . We were in the second row , which was perfect and wonderful and we were also towards the center of the row and there weren 't any tall people sitting in front of us . The second they started opening their mouths , it was perfect . They started out with a skit involving reading a retrieval of the records of Magnus Bane 's voicemails . Featuring messages from characters including Izzy , Alec , Simon , Clary , Maia , Church , and Chairman Meow , each panelist was absolutely hilarious ( or heartbreaking , in the case of Alec / David Levithan ) in their delivery and execution of the ways the characters spoke on the phone and rolled their eyes and flailed their arms . The voicemail skit was definitely a great way to begin the event and got everyone super excited . The voicemail records will be included in the bound copy of The Bane Chronicles ! Then we continued on to a part where the other authors read their favorite excerpts from the other books , which was followed by a Q & A session . Some questions were genuine and serious , about her writing processes , which Cassandra answered very articulately . Many of them were very silly , like " In 100 years , are Simon and Tessa gonna be a thing ? " We wanted to ask " Approximately what percent of this book is smut ? " but our question didn 't make it . Someone asked about the fact that Isabelle doesn 't have blue eyes , which I personally thought was reading way too into the series and someone else asked about Cassandra 's favorite crackpot theories , which was my favorite question of the night . She said she particularly liked the one where Church is actually just Tessa in a shapeshifted form . At midnight , the panel ended , and the signing began . The way the exit situation was working , we thought we would be at the very end but because Kiersten 's mother is fabulous , she saved us a good place in line . And then , because we had books by the other authors we also wanted signed , we got to go even further ahead . Here , we see all the beautiful copies in their heavenly glory . The authors were all so friendly and hilarious . Seriously , I want to be in that place one day , signing books with a bunch of author friends , being all witty and hilarious . I really just wanted to be best friends with all of them so badly . Just look how wonderful they all look ! Marlon decided that he was going to be special and in addition to getting the authors to sign their books like Kiersten and I did , he also had every author there sign ( and deface ) his copy of Leviathan by Scott Westerfeld . They all made jokes and comments about how he 's now dead and they are taking over for him and he has all their signatures obscuring his name on the book . It was a pretty funny situation and they all seemed to enjoy his weird comments and obnoxious outbursts . Anyway , I 'm still staring at my books and feeling super excited that I have signed copies of books by such awesome people and talented authors . Just looking at them spread out in front of me makes me so happy . One winner will receive this signed copy of the book for their enjoyment / heartbreak . This giveaway will be US only , BUT you can enter INT if you are willing to pay the shipping through Venmo . All you have to do is fill out the Rafflecopter below and BAM ! you 're entered . Countdown to City of Heavenly Fire : City of Lost Souls Hey everyone ! As you may have noticed , there is just ONE day until the release of City of Heavenly Fire , the final book in the Mortal Instruments series , wrapping up all the loose ends we leave off with at the end of City of Lost Souls . We 've been posting every other day so make sure to check out our other posts including some makeup by Kiersten , fanart picks by Marlon , and outfits by me . For today 's post , I thought I would create a short playlist of songs inspired by the contents of City of Lost Souls . I think the timing is perfect because I know some good music is always good for pumping me up for an event ! 1 . At Anchor - Port Blue I thought of this song fitting into one particular scene in the beginning . " That was the thing about New York : you always knew more about your neighbors ' business than you wanted to . Magnus 's door was cracked slightly open , and the sounds of music playing softly wafted out into the hall . " This song always makes me think of someone walking through the city never quite knowing what to expect or who to expect which is certainly true with Magnus and his decor and outfit changes ! 2 . Carry On Wayward Son - Kansas I 'll admit that the Supernatural fan within me chose this but with the Simon and the Mark of Cain business how could I not ? I think this song shows how much he still has to go through and how much has happened to him since he 's gotten involved in Clary 's " new " life . Simon is sometimes pushed to the side but he is not a small force ! 3 . Time Travel - NeverShoutNever ! This one is less literal than the first two but I got some vibes of the Jace / Sebastian possession relationship thing going on there . Some of it came from the way the song outlines a process of going out and seeking something and part of it because he doesn 't know who he is and he has lost control , symbolizing the both of them . In a weird way , I think this song captures both of them well . 4 . Radioactive - Imagine Dragons I think this song fits so well into the whole scene where the giant army of dark Shadowhunters fights our beloved heroes and everything seems to be falling apart . 5 . Arms - Christina Perri Okay , one more Alex and Magnus song but I always think of them and the ending of the book and where their relationship starts to head makes it all the more bitter but you just KNOW they 're meant to be so this is their song because they are home to one another . Also Alec has some nice Shadowhunter runed up arms . If you want to listen to the playlist , I 've uploaded it to Spotify here so be sure to check it out ! - Noor What songs remind you of City of Lost Souls ? Unfortunately , I was unable to finish this book , because it was honestly just so awful . The writing is sad , the characters drive me nuts , the plot is all over the place . The book begins with Alexandra Easton , or Lex , who is apparently so chubby that her boyfriend tells her she needs to lose weight before he dare have sex with her . lol . what . Okay , so this girl who is apparently going to Columbia in the fall and has movie star parents has a low enough self esteem to sit there and take this kind of emotional abuse . Alright , I guess . So then , when she 's finally getting close to losing the weight necessary to lose her " Lady V " ( virginity ) , she comes home , to find what ? Her mom and boyfriend going at it . I guess after this her ( whatever was left of her ) self respect kicked in , and she decides to dump her boyfriend . Now comes the real kicker . After she breaks up with her boyfriend , for no real reason , she decides to burn a dress and some pictures in the bathroom OF A NEW YORK CITY PENTHOUSE . Clearly little Miss Columbia isn 't as smart as we thought . Anyway , I guess her mom had 02 tanks around her house to help with her youth and beauty or some equivalent bullshit , and boom , her house blows up , and Lex and her friends are arrested . I 'll tell you right now , don 't read this book if you want your eyesight to work fully afterwards . The poor writing style combined with the way too out there plot and the most annoying characters on the planet manifests itself in this book , Love , Lex . Hopefully I am able to avoid all Avery Aster books in the process . As you have heard multiple times in the past week , City of Heavenly Fire is being released in three days . ONLY THREE DAYS ! In anticipation of this glorious event , We Live and Breathe Books has been doing a post every other day for each book in The Mortal Instruments series . If you missed the past ones , check out Noor 's City of Bones outfits , my City of Ashes Cover Cosmetics , and Marlon 's favorite fanart for City of Glass ! Today , I 'll be doing a Cover Cosmetics for City of Fallen Angels ! By no means should it be news that the final Mortal Instruments novel is coming out ( FIVE DAYS PEOPLE ) . In anticipation of City of Heavenly Fire 's release next week we at WLABB are doing a post for each book in The Mortal Instruments series . The posts will be done every other day until City of Heavenly Fire launches . If you missed it , check out the outfits Noor picked out for City of Bones , and the beautiful make - up Kiersten thought up for City of Ashes . First , this glorious bit . I absolutely love love these two quotes . Jace 's character never stops being heartbreaking but when he opens up to Clary , it 's quite mesmerizing how much pain he can expound . It is in CoG that Clace really starts to pick up , reaching a climax where Jace has a bit of Herondale self - hatred , and settles into the deep love that the two of them share and ugh it 's so precious . Of the first image : I 'm quite awed by the color choice . Instead of Jace 's leonine gold , there are shades of soft , soft blue in a deep red velvet , which I take to mean his pained heart . It 's vulnerable and beautiful . The second image exemplifies the depth of Jace 's words with a vivid image of again , something vulnerable and soft , but this time timeless : an old couple holding hands . Come on that 's just brilliant . Spoiler alert : Max dies . Max dies and it 's abhorrent . Up until that point , Sebastian didn 't seem much of a threat , just an annoying , vaguely bad - ish guy . Furthermore no one really important ( to my heart ) had died ( sorry losers ) . It 's also at this point where Isabelle starts to come to live , and the effect is quite amazing because Alec , Jace , and Magnus start to shed their skins as well . I love you Max . Also holy crap the image for this Max is SPOT THE FRAK ON . LOOK AT THE FACES IN HIS SHIRTS , LOOK AT HIS FAMILY , LOOK AT THOSE INNOCENT EYES AND THAT VAGUELY PERCY - JACKSON - Y HAIR . LOOK AT THAT PERFECT LITTLE ( dead ) BOY . Damn look at this Jace . Damn look at dat jacket . Damn LOOK AT CLARY ' S FRECKLES SO MANY PEOPLE IGNORE HER FRECKLES AND HER CURLY HAIR AND NAME OF THE ANGEL HE HOLDS HER SO PERFECTLY . It 's no secret that Cassie Clare likes to write Clace smut , and it 's no secret that we like to read Clace smut , but I think this picture really captures the tension between the pair during the crazy , crazy events of CoG . It 's nowhere NEAR the sexy scenes in the fifth book though . If you haven 't heard , in anticipation of City of Heavenly Fire 's release next week ( ONLY SEVEN MORE DAYS ! ! ! ! ) we are doing a post for each book in The Mortal Instruments series . The posts will be done every other day until City of Heavenly Fire launches . If you missed it , check out the outfits Noor picked out for City of Bones ! For my post , I 'll be doing a Cover Cosmetics post ( shocking , right ? ) . For this makeup look , I was inspired by ashes ( because City of Ashes ) and the fiery look of Clary 's hair on the cover . I used a fire - colored glitter on the lid and black and silvery gray in the crease . I thought a smokey look was especially appropriate for City of Ashes . So as many of you may be eagerly anticipating , City of Heavenly Fire , the final , probably heart - wrenching installment of the Mortal Instruments series , is due to release on May 27th . In honor of that , we 've decided to do a post for every book in the series , posting one every other day , until the day we 've all been waiting for , when Cassandra Clare rips our hearts out with a stack of paper . Instead of normal reviews , we 're doing different types of posts for every book , so you 'll have to tune in to see what we come up with for each book . For City of Bones , I 've put together two outfit collages based on the book ! For this outfit , I focused very heavily on Shadowhunter black . This was more literal of an outfit interpretation the other one , and it 's very clear where Izzy 's influences come from . When I read the book , I was immediately drawn to Isabelle as a character . She 's strong , independent , hardcore , and tough , but she isn 't afraid to be a girl . " Nothing less than seven inches " is her motto , when referring to the size of her heels . Isabelle always dresses impeccably stylishly , and often looks intimidating . And that includes her Shadowhunting outfits . Shadowhunters look better in black , and no one pulls it off quite like Isabelle Lightwood . Reading City of Bones , I knew that even though she could wear plain black unassuming fighting gear , why would she ? Isabelle Lightwood looks nothing short of badass . If you want to channel your inner Izzy , this is the outfit for you . I picked the vest first . It 's black and it 's leather , which is always a stylish combo . I particularly liked the zippers . I enjoyed the fact that it was a vest because it gave her free movement of her arms and I liked the idea of her signature whip snaking up her arms without sleeves forming a barrier between the whip and her skin . I thought the leggings complimented the vest nicely , especially with all the zippers . The extra metal looks almost as fierce as Izzy as actually is on the inside . And then , of course , there are the heels . If anyone can run and kill demons in heels , it 's Isabelle . Every inch gives more power to her already 5 ' 9 " frame . These heels give her feet room to breathe and have all the height she needs . I added in a few images of runes because those are always important for Shadowhunters , as runes are how they get their strength . We all know Izzy has courage and strength , so I thought those would be fitting . And last but not least , her whip . The one I included in this photoset is actually a bangle version of her signature snake whip so if you 're trying to rock an Izzy - style outfit , make sure to add that finishing touch . It 's her weapon of choice and she 's mastered it like no one ever could . Magnus Bane is a fabulous warlock , known for throwing outrageous parties . So let 's say you 've snagged an invite to such an esteemed event ? What do you wear ? From all those times you 've stared from afar , you 've seen people walk in wearing everything from evening gowns to bathing suit , so where should your outfit fall on the spectrum ? I put together something that should get you a second invite . The pants caught my eye first . They just screamed Magnus Bane and I knew that if I was a guest at his party he would appreciate them . Those pants were a must in this outfit and what I based it around . Also , not gonna lie I actually own similar pants , and I always feel kinda Magnus Bane in them . Anyway , I knew I wanted to do gold and glittery as a theme with this outfit so I searched for a top with that in mind , as you can see with what I ultimately decided upon . I was debating whether or not I wanted to go with something with spikes or studs instead but I decided on this instead and I 'm really happy with it . The shoes were next . Gold statement heels to compliment the top . After I picked the fundamentals , I knew I wanted something to give the outfit a pop . The word cape came to mind . I love the color red so naturally I knew what was coming next . I found this one and I thought it was beautiful and elegant and gave the outfit the finishing touch it needed . After that , I just needed to add accessories . The clutch and the bangle , in my opinion , compliment the outfit without distracting from it . The smokey eye look is necessary to add to the mystery a Magnus Bane party , and I especially love the pop of red , Last but not least , red lipstick to deal the deal and keep all eyes on you ! I hope you guys enjoyed my City of Bones inspired outfits and I hope you 're as excited for City of Heavenly Fire as I am ! - Noor Do you ever read a book and it leaves you with so much to think about but at the same time you can sum it up in just one word ? For this book , that word is whoa . I have so much I want to say about Every Day but at the same time I have no idea how to get it out of me because it 's all twisting around in my gut and most of it is feelings and very few of it is words but I will try . This book seems to have formed a habit of doing things to me in opposites . Earlier I said it gave me both much to think about but also could be summed up in just the one word . Now , I 'm saying that it took me by surprise and it didn 't take me by surprise . It moved quickly and it moved slowly . I 'm not sure how it managed to do these things but I 'm sure that it worked it its favor , so props to David Levithan for harvesting the writing prowess of a champion . The book was about A , who woke up in a different body every day . Sometimes A is a boy , sometimes a girl . As the book goes on , we learn more and more about the " rules " of A 's moving around . A has never inhabited the same body twice . A doesn 't identify with any gender . A always wakes up in a body roughly the same age , so as an infant , this was A 's life too and A only realized something was strange at around age 5 , when other children would speak of " tomorrow . " A only moves bodied within the local area . If A is in New York City , A will wake up in NYC bodies until someone hops on a plane to California , which is when A will wake up in bodies in that immediate circle . It isn 't clear exactly how far this radius extends but A is never more than a few hours from the last body . A can access memories from the body and tries to get through the day as normal and then go to the next one . That is , until A meets Rhiannon and then falls in love with her . Okay , so now that we 've got a little background here I 'm going to interject with the few bits that didn 't work for me and why I give this book 4 . 5 stars instead of 5 . The explanation I gave above is pretty much all we get about A 's state of existence . I don 't want to spoil anything but something does come up later in the book about others like him and being able to stay longer than a day but it isn 't explored because A does not want to explore it . I understand that with a first person narration we are only going to know what the narrator know and what he chooses to learn but I wish Levithan delved more into the reasoning / logic / science / magic / whatever behind A 's existence . I was left with a lot of questions about how these types of beings exist . Are they devils , like one of the characters suggests ? Are they types of humans or something more ? There was a lot that could have been explored with this that just wasn 't and I really wish it had been . I know David Levithan has the skills and the ability to come up with something genius as an explanation or elaboration and I really wish he had . Okay , that 's my main problem with the book and that 's honestly the only negative thing I have to say about it , and it isn 't even really " negative , " it 's just me being a curious reader . Before A falls in love with Rhiannon , everything is systematic . A 's routine is down to a science . After Rhiannon comes into the picture , all the rules and regulations fall to pieces . One of the things I really liked that David Levithan did was that he made A so dynamic . For someone who isn 't really there at all , A has many sides . Not all of them were good . In fact , a lot of the time I didn 't like A . I thought that A was often selfish and reckless and ridiculous and unreasonable . Other times I thought A was thoughtful and deep and deserved to be with Rhiannon . I wanted to know how it would end and what would happen and if what I knew deep in my heart was true . I also really liked the storyline with Nathan and I thought it was an interesting way to explore the character of A and it would have been an interesting gateway to explore creatures like A even further . I was satisfied with the ending . Without spoiling anything I want to say that at first , I thought it was a bit of a cop - out ending . That everything was a bit too perfect and worked out too well , even though it wasn 't traditionally happy . And then I understood that it wasn 't perfect . That such a big sacrifice had been made . That work was going to have to be done and that love was being shown in the best way they both knew how . And it was beautiful . Unable to escape the Guardian 's laws , Mellea must learn the ways of the royals . She is convinced her life can 't get much worse . But when a timeworn Guardian enemy arises from the shadows , Mellea must make a choice that will change her destiny forever . As I was reading , I was skeptical at first . The inciting incident is nothing less than alarming - throwing Mellea into the world of the Guardians , a world she cannot escape . It seemed almost cruel to me what was happening to Mellea , especially with some of her initial exchanges with Leo . There 's one in particular that I found particularly alarming and I was worried that she 'd forgive him without another mention of the happening . Fortunately , M . J . Stevens had Leo bring up the event and sort of rationalized it to a point where I was no longer appalled by his actions and unable to forgive him . Throughout the story I found it very easy to understand Mellea 's point of view and to care about her . While at times she felt younger than her age , more like the 16 - year - old heroines in other young adult novels , I still felt like she had reason behind her thoughts and actions . The way she transforms when she finally decides to make the best out of the situation is something I think can apply to all people in various situations . While the reveal of the enemy was fairly predictable , I still enjoyed that aspect of the story as well . The enemy was interesting and I was constantly intrigued by what they were up to and what the Guardians would do to defeat them . The action helped to balance out some parts of the story that were less eventful , such as Mellea 's study time . All in all , I did enjoy Bound . I liked the idea of the Guardians as well as the enemy and I 'm intrigued by some of the elements in the story that were set up for later on . I look forward to see what M . J . Stevens has in store for Mellea , her relationship with Leo , and the Guardians ' battle against their enemy . For a long time , words were never her best friend . However she has always had a creative spirit and writing became the lead way that she could share her ideas with the world . Today , it is her number one passion in life . A while back , Amrutha reviewed Of Stardust for a blog tour ( review here ) . Today , we bring to you the sequel , In Starlight , with a guest post from its author , February Grace , and a giveaway ! Look forward to a review of In Starlight from Amrutha early next month . I found that it really helped me to shift focus from Till , the female lead in the first book Of Stardust , to create a new playlist to listen to while working on this book . Of Stardust was written from Till 's perspective , so it was only right that to tell the story from Gus 's for the second novel that I would need entirely new musical inspiration , with just a few songs crossing over lists to help me tie the books together in my mind . While Gus also has two separate playlists all his own ( containing many , many maaaanyyyy songs ) the playlist I ended up with for In Starlight throughout the writing and editing process evolved and grew to a total of 39 songs . I won 't list them all here , but I will give you some of my favorites , those that I felt really helped shape the story ( or fit it well all on their own . ) I will always associate these songs with Gus , Till , and In Starlight . Auld Lang Syne ( Royal Philharmonic version ) … yes , believe it or not , those are not all the songs that I listened to while fine tuning the story , but the ones I feel are perhaps best representative of it . I hope that you enjoyed this little look behind the scenes ( or under my headphones , as it were ) and that you will enjoy reading In Starlight . Thank you so much to all the readers who asked for more about Gus and Till , and thank you to We Live and Breathe Books for hosting me today ! " Where are you … ? " she mumbled . He read her lips through the glass and fought the urge to laugh . She was so close now , but he 'd shielded himself from her thoughts just enough that she couldn 't easily see him mixed in among the mannequins in the display . Or so he thought . A second later she was standing next to him , tapping a pink - shoed foot . " Window at Harrods ? Really ? This is the beginner level of the game ? " " Mum , look ! " a child cried , knocking on the glass and pointing wildly at Till and Gus as his mother focused on her phone . " The mannequins are alive ! They 're moving ! " Till giggled as she vanished , and Gus took a moment to catch his breath and refocus his energy on shielding parts of his mind from her that would be dangerous for her to go near . " I shouldn 't have brought her here , " he whispered to himself , leaning back against the nearest wall . " She outshines the City of Light . " Till scoffed . " Brat . Okay , here we go . I hope you 're in the mood for a walk . " She made sure the coast was clear and then , she vanished . He next found her behind a stand of poplar trees on a rolling Irish hill . For a moment the sight caught Gus off guard . He had not been back to Ireland since New Year 's Day . He sighed . He couldn 't say no to her , at least not when it wasn 't absolutely necessary . " Very well . One more , then the last one is mine . " He was standing in a theme park before a life - sized castle , with fireworks soaring overhead . Families with small children were everywhere . He turned around and gazed upon Till , her face alight in the glow of the nighttime spectacular with the same wonder he saw in the faces of the children . She was standing closer to him than he was comfortable with now , and memories he had to hide from her flooded his mind . He was overwhelmed by the thought of her hands moving over his shoulders … her arms wrapped around him . Her passionate kiss , her gentle caress . Everything that made his One Wish so perfect , and would keep it as fresh in his memory in a hundred years as it was the night it had all taken place . past . Sure , a deeper thought might be replaced by one a bit more trivial and he 'd know that she wished to change the subject , but never all of her thoughts completely dying away as they just had . He stopped short of placing a hand on her shoulder . " Are ye all right , Till ? " " Yeah . " She ran her hands up and down her arms as if to warm them , though it was as comfortable a temperature as ever on campus . " Can we just call it a night ? " " Sure thing . " Gus wondered at the change in her mood . He had no idea why being in this particular place should cause her to shut down so completely . " Let 's go on home . " Please be honest when you fill out the Rafflecopter below - we do check for authenticity and you will be disqualified for lying . The giveaway runs until June 13th at 11 : 59 PM . Winners must reply within 48 hours of receiving the email or new winners will be chosen . The prizes will be distributed by the publisher and we are not responsible for any packages that get lost in the mail . May the odds be ever in your favor ! Hey hey friends , long time no see . Shredded , although not my favorite book to ever exist , was actually pretty interesting , and something I would definitely recommend picking up for a fast read . While Avivi does not present anything too extraordinary in the novel , her writing and plot both combine to produce a story worthy of recommending to you guys . This book is about a summer road trip : but not exactly what one would expect from the words " road trip . " Shredded presents the story of Josie , who is a hardcore BMX biker , and will do absolutely anything to qualify for the big freestyle competition . The reason I liked the book as much as I did was because of this character and her unwaverable ability to stay focused on her sport , despite any romantic complications , issues with family , or trials she may undergo . Avivi drops the reader straight into the world of BMX , and as a reader , I could actually feel the waves of competition and excitement rolling off the book ( I 'm competitive myself , can you tell ? ) . The other reason I liked the book so much was the author 's dedication to feminism ( I 'm a feminist too , can you tell ? ) . Karen Avivi makes a big splash with her insistence that men and women can do just about anything equally , including when teenage girls take on the sport of BMX biking . This is mostly shown in Josie , who firmly believes that femininity and emotional reactions are weak , and that she must appear to be strong in front of the boys that she is competing with . This kind of ideology is far too common , and I have to say a lot of the time I act the same way . It is marvelous to watch Josie overcome her struggles in this book . My personal apology to L . B . Shire ( and all you lovely lost souls who follow this blog ) for taking so long to post this review . I 've had the book for quite a while but time management and school and . . . life gets in the way of books . There 's a lesson . It 's primarily about Taryn Perkins and her search for meaning , purpose , and a magic horse that keeps rejecting her friend request on Facebook . Taryn lives in a post - zombified world , and often fantasizes about what life would be like outside her " purgatory " ( pg . 6 ) . In this vein , she is also paranoid , to the point that indirectly informing Damon that she 's on the lookout for aforementioned horse is , to her , " letting down her defences " ( pg ) . Taryn is quick to attachment and brutally unforgiving when things are taken from her , she 's very headstrong despite often betraying the softer side of herself . She 's a complex character in a world that has been minimized and simplified to survival or death . I love love love Taryn 's character and how she moves the story along , especially since she 's so high - strung . I swear , " relief washed through her " is the narrator 's chorus . It 's also about Damon " I don 't have a last name because damn I 'm mysterious " , a mysterious boy with seaweed in his hair ( probably related to Percy Jackson somehow . . . ) and his mysterious . . . mysteries . Other words to describe him are clandestine , surreptitious , and so on . ( A lot of the spoilery bits revolve around Damon so let 's leave this section . . . to the imagination . ) And then there 's Flynn , the best friend , the protector , the one who wants Taryn to cut the crap . But Taryn cannot cut the crap , Taryn is determined to decide her fate by constantly seeking danger . Conflict ensues between the pair . Comedy eclipses . Mysterious seaweeded stranger confounds the conflict . I like Flynn because he 's pragmatic and he takes life in strides , simultaneously being disheartened by hearing of a child losing his parents , yet quick to critique his leader . His dynamic with Taryn is kind of exciting because they exist on opposite sides of the spectrum : Flynn 's more or less trying to make peace with the world he has , while Taryn wants out . What I like , though , is that this is all jammed into the first few pages . . . I 'm a huge fan of straightforward introductions . The novel immediately takes off from this , giving Taryn a ( seriously sad , horse - related ) back story . Plot - wise , the novel excels at pace , depth , and movement . I was hooked from the first few pages , constantly wondering how everything would unfurl and kind of amazed that zombies and magic were so well woven into the same texts . The twists are in the right places , but a couple ( especially on the romance part ) feel underwhelming and predictable . What keeps this from a four stars , though , is the language . Often ( more often with Taryn for some reason ) there are redundancies . For example : " Had he been swimming in the ocean ? she wondered , staring into the turbulent waves on the left " ( pg 5 ) . Cutting off " in the ocean " makes this sentence clearer , easier to read , and a hell of a lot less clunky . That 's one example among many . It isn 't so much of a problem , but it 's one of those things that push me to one side of the fence .
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