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When I realized how many of my friends loved this series ( maybe not as much as I do but still any love is love ! ) I thought of the idea of having a Breaking Dawn Party . Instead of paying way too much money to see the movies at the theater , we could all hang out and watch the movies leading up to this one at my house . Of course I 'll have Twilight themed food and decor . Maybe , okay definitely , some trivia . Oh and for those who want to a T - shirt painting station . Needless to say , I 'm very excited ! Every person who loves to read has a book or a series that they love , that they felt like they became a part of . For me it 's the Twilight series . There will always be people who hate the series or who judge it based on the movies . There will always be people who question your love for things . I 've come to the conclusion that I don 't care . Judge me all you want . I love this series ! I LOVE THE TWILIGHT SERIES ! I would scream it from the rooftops if I felt the need to . Luckily I have some friends who are fans as well and are willing on partaking in my pre - movie craziness . I plan on posting lots and lots of pictures ! Are you or do you know anyone else who is through a BD party or has any ideas let me know ! What does Halloween mean to you ? The question of Halloween was brought up in bible study this past week . Do you allow your kids to trick or treat or not ? I 've heard a few versions of the origins of Halloween . I 've heard that it use to be a time when you would dress up to scare away ghosts or souls . I 've read about it being called the festival of the dead and cults sacrificing animals / things . It 's also known to be the holiday of the ' witch . ' I can understand where any parent wouldn 't want their child partaking in such events . But is that what Halloween is all about ? I don 't know . It never was for me . Halloween has always been a day where you dress up in costume and go door to door to see how much candy you could collect . To be honest , I never really thought of Halloween as anything other then time to dress up , get free candy , and hang out with my friends . My mother never sat me down and had a chat with me about what Halloween was thought to be about and how she felt about it . I 'm pretty sure she felt the same way I do - costume , candy , woohoo ! Well , that 's not the truth , she did tell me that all Musketeers were bad and I should hand them over right away ( love you Mom ) . But other then those horribly bad Musketeer bars I didn 't think much more of Halloween . We discussed what could be some other options to trick or treating … Fall festivals , maybe a Halloween sleepover , a trunk or treating activity , there are tons of ideas out there ! What do you guys think ? Do you have any Halloween traditions ? Do your kids or do / did you trick or treat ? It 's possible when Haleigh gets old enough we 'll talk to her about other people 's beliefs and ours . If that day comes I 'll probably just say other people may believe certain things but in this family it 's all about having fun and getting candy . It is after all , isn 't it ? Alright … through the years everyone has given me advice . Advice on how to make my pain stop because they read about someone / know someone / heard about a rumor about a coworkers brother 's wife 's cousin - in - law who was ' cured ' of their endometriosis . I will admit I hate hearing those stories . I should love them right ? I should love to know that there is hope out there for me . Well , it 's hard to feel hope when you feel like at any moment your time will be up because there is no way you can go on in this pain . Or worse , you can go on in this pain . Well , I 'm looking to hear your stories ( again ) . I have an appointment with my doctor on November 10th and I 'd like to go in there with every possible solution that has ever been heard of or rumored of . After I go through the list with her I 'll be going down the list myself . If it is financially possible for me to do it , I will do it . I do have an ' except ' I will NOT do Lupron . I will also be going in with a list of reasons why , along with information on the lawsuit that is happening right now against them . So please , share whatever info you have with me and in the months to come please come back as I share my journey of " the list . " Imagine , if you will , my living room filled with toys and two babies ( one mine , one a little boy who I watch ) who are happily playing . Haleigh is in her footie pjs and Coop is in his night gown . They are playing and giggling , they want absolutely nothing to do with me . So I decide to read . Not even five minutes later I see Haleigh on one side of the room giggling and Coop on the other side of the room complaining . I asked them what happened , as if a 9 and 10 month old were going to tell me . Then as Coop starts to crawl I realize he has a naked tush ! I KNOW I put a diaper on him five minutes ago . What diaper did I put on him ? Oh yes that green one in the corner by Haleigh , yes indeed , it was velcro . I always remember when she is wearing a velcro diaper to put bottoms on her because she pulls them off but I didn 't think of her taking someone else 's diaper off . Silly me ! So in between laughs I tell Haleigh " no , no ! We do not take diapers off our friends ! " and I tell Coop I 'm very sorry that his tush was exposed . I pick his wet self up , because if you are naked and someone steals your diaper , you must pee , it 's the only right thing to do , and change him . Once he was diapered and with new clothes he was good to go . He crawled right over to Haleigh , took her bottle and threw it . TAKE THAT ! Hahaha . I do love having my house filled with children . Last night was a wonderful night . My sister and I had a sleepover in my living room . I slept on the floor ( due to back issues , I 've actually been doing this a lot lately ) and Angela slept on the couch . We watched Say Yes toThe Dress , played on Pintrest , and just joked around . By 12 we were laughing hysterically at everything ! It was a great sissy night . One to go down in the history books . This actually has nothing to do with what I 'm writing my entry on but I thought you all should know I love my sister ! Today started off pretty good , a lazy day with three of my favorite people - My love , my daughter , my sister . Then got better when I went to my friend 's cookout . One of my best friend 's husband joined the Army and they have gotten their orders of where they are going . He 's back in town for three weeks before they move . They aren 't going outrageously far but far enough that it 's not a one day trip . They have four babies , who aren 't babies any more - 5 , 4 , 3 , 2 - nope I 'm not counting down those are their ages . This was a welcome home cookout but without saying it was also kind of a goodbye cookout too . I am not a fan of them leaving . I was glad to have this time with them today , for Haleigh to play with the kids , get lovings and be spoiled by her " aunt " and " uncle . " We were there for three hours and had a great time . It was really nice . Bittersweet but nice . After we left there we went to my Grama 's house to hang out and for me to cook dinner . Side note : we were excited that the college Tyrone graduated from 's football team was on the TV so we were watching that game . I cooked massive amounts of spaghetti for mom and grama to eat and tons to freeze for later in the week , along with roasted potatoes because , well , mine are amazing and grama likes them . By the time I was done with all the cooking I was in a lot of pain . Tell me something , why is it that I have to end a great day with pain ? I feel like I 'm being punished for having a great and active day . I feel like I should be able to go sit a party and come home and cook dinner as well without having to be in so much pain . I have to pick between only doing two things a day . Do you know how many things a person without chronic pain does a day ? I 'm just so frustrated with it all . I have something very important going on tomorrow and all I 'm doing right now is worrying if I 'll be in enough pain to get out of bed , get dressed , make it down the stairs and in to the car ! Most people don 't even THINK about those things , they just do them . I 'm frustrated . Just frustrated . I know there is probably nothing anyone reading this can do . I know I 've written entries about this before and they probably said the same thing . Pretty much you can sum it up with this * imagine a little girl crossing her arms and stomping her foot * IT ' S NOT FAIR ! ! ! Thanks for reading . . . until next time Scooby Doo Lyn Rossi My Scooby ( or Scooba - Scooba ) passed away on October 14 , 2010 . We knew it was coming but that didn 't make it easier . I saw him a few days before and saw how badly he was doing . He didn 't want to move and wasn 't eating or drinking . I prayed and prayed that he 'd get better and that if he couldn 't get better to please let him go in peace . I think he did , I think he died peacefully in his sleep . The last time I saw him I gave him kisses and pet him . I told him I loved him and thanked him for always being there for me , for listening to my high school drama , for always coming when I called , for purring at me over the phone while I was at college , and for being patient with my baby who pet him the best she could but maybe tugged a little too hard a few times . What I didn 't get to do was thank him for watching over my sister when I couldn 't , being her shoulder to cry on , and loving her unconditionally . I didn 't get to thank him for watching over Mom , loving her , giving us a good laugh by scaring her when he brought her a mouse ( traumatizing her for life ) , for giving her lovings when her daughters were aliens , and also loving her unconditionally . If you ask Mom who Scooby belonged to she 'd say he was hers . I , personally , think Scooby was mine . I picked him out and named him . Who cares if I picked him out for Angela … he was mine . And sure enough , if you ask Angela , she 'll say he was hers , undeniably . Now that I think of it , I think all of us were right . Scooby was always there for us , individually , when we needed him to be . He was the man of the house … or King of the house as we always said , and he took care of his girls . He 'd pull our hands towards him to give us a little lick Thank you Scooby for being there for all of us , for all the listening , and for all the love you shared with us . We miss you so much but we know you are pain free , lounging around somewhere just waiting to see us again . We can 't wait either Scoob , love you always . Custom Search Posted by Saturday was amazing ! I had a great time going to one of my friend 's bachelorette party . It was my first bachelorette party and my first time in a limo . It was amazing ! However , I have been in pain since then . Right now it is Monday night and due to two pain pills , an extremely hot bath ( which I had to have help getting out of due to pain ) , and laying down all day I am able to sit here for a few minutes and type this up . My pain level has been between 6 - 10 since I got home Sunday morning . Today it has been horrible . I have stayed between an 8 - 10 all day . It hurts to breath , it hurts to move , it hurts to do everything . I am frustrated . I am taking so many medications and nothing is helping . I . Just . Don 't . Understand . I don 't want to be in so much pain that I can 't function . Today has been the first day since I had Haleigh that the pain was so intense I wasn 't sure I could take care of her by myself . Thank God , Tyrone was home to help take care of her . I know that if I was alone I would be able to do what I had to do . . . because I am Mom hear me rawr . . but I was glad I didn 't have to . Thank you Columbus for having a day . I think I am going to call my new Endo Doctor tomorrow and make an appointment . I am at a loss of what to do . The urologist swears this has nothing to do with my bladder . The GI doctor said possibly IBS but not really sure . I feel like all of my doctors are going " 1 , 2 , 3 . . . NOT IT ! " I 'm thinking of inviting them all to dinner . . what do you think ? * sigh * My time of pain on the lower scale has left me . . I 'm off to bed . Goodnight all Since fall is here ( FOOTBALL TIME ! ! ! ) I figured I should do a summer recap for Haleigh . She 's such a little girl and has already done so much in her life ! In the end of May Haleigh went on her first road trip , a 9 hour drive to Georgia to go to her Daddy 's family reunion . She was such a trooper ! She did amazing on the car ride there , though I never had a doubt about that , after all , she is my child . Haleigh went swimming for the first time , Took lots of pictures with her cousins , and took a generation family photo with her daddy , granpy , great - grampa , and great - grama . After the family reunion we headed to South Carolina to see Haleigh 's Aunt , Uncle and cousin . After a great night and a wonderful morning at IHOP with Haleigh 's MeMe , Granpy , Aunt and Cousin we went a little further north to see one of our closest friends Kristina . Once Kristina left for work we " kept on trucking " further north to see Tyrone 's best friend Kate . Haleigh 's first road trip was a success ! She was a little bit cranky on the way home but at least she didn 't scream at the sight of the car . I think she was made for traveling ! June was spent swimming in the pool with some of Haleigh 's friends : Cooper , Holden , and Adelea . The first time Haleigh got in the pool she wasn 't amused but by the end of the summer she was a champ ! She even learned how to splash . We moved in to our own apartment , just the four of us ( that 's right , Luckie is included ! ) On Father 's day Haleigh 's first two teeth poked their way outand the rest of June was mostly spent at her Mommy 's work . Where Haleigh ate , slept , and met a ton of new friends ! Haleigh hung out with all of her friends at Mommy 's work every Saturday for our " Saturday group " and dipped her toes , to her dismay , in a river on the day of one of our church 's baptisms . At the end of July was Mommy 's family reunion and Haleigh 's second road trip . This time 9 hours north to New York . Haleigh couldn 't sit up on her own yet but had her very own camping chair . She spent her days lounging around with her GiGi wearing baseball caps and amusing the family with her funny faces . Haleigh went swimming in her Aunt and Cousin 's pooland ate delicious deli pickles for the very first time . We were very excited to bring Haleigh to the beach as this is one of her Mommy 's all time favorite places in the world to be . We had it all set up , Haleigh 's cousin Corinne was going to sit with her at the very edge of the waves while Mommy and Daddy swam in the ocean ( after of course watching her play in the water first ! ) . Seconds after placing Haleigh in her seat a huge wave came right over her head ! Thank God Cori was holding her hands , she picked her up and yelled " I got the baby ! " Needless to say these were the scariest two seconds of my life ! Haleigh , from then on out , was not a huge fan of the ocean . She would be fine until we would start to lower her then she 'd scream like someone was beating her . Poor baby . Let 's hope it goes better next year . After a long day at the beach there is nothing better to do then lounge by the campfire and take a little nap . It 's hard being the cutest baby ever ! After a long car trip , a week of camping , and being handed off to strangers Haleigh had a great time and still had a smile on her face as we were getting ready to get back in the car . Haleigh went on lots of walks with Daddy and Luckieand made her Aunt Angela cry on her birthday by showing her how much she loved her ! Haleigh also went to her very first sleepover party ( though she didn 't get to spend the night ! ) and , with no surprise , was the hit of the party ! In just a few short months Haleigh has grown so much ! I can 't believe how fast it is going . I was told it was going to go by fast and to enjoy it while I could . And I do , it 's just hard to grasp the concept of time flying by until you have a kid of your own . Can 't wait to see what our little girl has in store for us in the future ! I am a 31 year old SAHM . I spend my days building and knocking down blocks , singing , dancing , pretending , playing dress up , making ramps for cars to zoom down , watching Disney Jr , building forts , and coloring . I have a wonderful man in my life that loves me and supports me . I can 't imagine my life without him . I have a lot of interests , hobbies , and things I 'm passionate about but the top two have always and will always be writing and photography . I hope one day to be able to do something with my photography and although I use to wish to become a publicized author , I no longer do . I don 't want to have to be politically correct or worry about my grammar . I want to write for me . I am a mom who cloth diapered and baby wears . I also struggle daily with Endometriosis . I have been out of work for 8 and a half years now because of the chronic pain associated with it . This blog will be my life as I grow as a mother , advocate Endometriosis Awareness , and live my life to the fullest .
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JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . says to Everyone : The full moon had come and gone and for once , it had been without incident . The pack house had welcomed in most of its brood and the forest had been alive with the energy of the pack , but now most of them were gone . I say most , however , more had stuck around than would usually . It had taken Nick by surprise , but then it was easy to forget that for some of the wolves in the Pack - regardless of a lack of presence around the house except for that mandatory visit every moon , and regardless of a social circle than involved work mates or whatever - for some of them , the pack was their only family . They may not always have wanted them , they may not always appreciate them , but it was Easter , and like they had done over Christmas and thanksgiving , there were a few faces that stuck around for longer than they technically had to . Which made the place feel more alive than it usually did . Nick , for one , appreciated that . He had wandered the house some , before stepping outside into the forest , now that night had fallen and the new moon was peeking out from behind clouds . It was all to easy to remember the ones that weren 't here , when there were others that were . He tried to keeps his thoughts on the positive side of things , but the spirits were close , as they had been so often recently , and they liked memories , as though they were a currency with them . Mirela had visited , before the moon , and had said something of that sort . She was a strange fish , that one , but she enjoyed being connected to the pack here now that she had made Orlando her home . Despite her lineage , Nick couldn 't see any harm in her . If he didn 't , few others would . Mitch couldn 't recall the last time the pack had a vargamor in their number , so although she was yet to officially fill that capacity , the notion has been floated for consideration . He walked , his feet bare , his senses attuned , but even so , his hands shoved into his pockets . The quiet was pleasant . There were too many times recently that his world had seemed far , far too noisy . says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - Silence filled the nightly air , the shifting was nice , the family was back on the mends and it was one of those times where Syd enjoyed being home more than out . James had gone to play some pool with some of the boys while the blonde decided to stay at the house and mingle . Grabbing up a beer from the fridge she popped the top and headed out back . She felt him , his presences , his wolf , his being and she froze the moment she hit the back yard . Her eyes fell to the ground as she had sorta avoided him and Declan the past few weeks . Trying to figure out if things were set to the marker of her own mind but avoidance among them would never last . Sucking at the long neck bottle in hand she followed Nick 's scent into the woods . Her emerald hues flashing with gold flakes as she moved with silence . The soft squish of the earth beneath her feet sank between her toes . The silence of the forest heighten her hearing , all her senses were on alert , heading deeper into where it was sacred for them . Leaning against a trunk of a tree she closed her eyes to just listen to feel the call of the ancestors as they pushed the memory of the dead around sent the chills of the evening to crawl along her skin . It was warm yet a breeze danced through the trees and she let out a low sigh . Her mind thinking over the past and how they all got to this point . A smile placid upon her velvet lips . she was happy for once , truly at peace with all around and even loved being home again . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : You were never really alone in the forest . The pack had a large enough area of land , and enough of them living there that at any one point there was bound to be another of them out there somewhere , whether you knew it or not . That was before you took into account the various other animals that lived out there . The insects and birds paid little attention , but the other wildlife sensed Nick coming and gave him a wide berth , despite his human form . He wasn 't being overly careful with his scent or the reach of his presence . Let them all know he was here . It was a relief to do it . The whispers of the munin spirits grew louder - not that you could focus on a particular direction for any of them , they were just there - the closer he got to the Lupanar . It wasn 't his set destination but the way he walked always seemed to coincide with that place . Perhaps because the opposite direction when leaving the house led towards the old wooder 's huts , and the memories he associated with that place were unsavoury . He tried to clear his mind , leave thoughts of those things behind , and cast away thoughts of the club , of Tyler / Ryan et al , thoughts of his cabin or of Neala , but it was hard to clear your mind , truly . There was always something , desperate to fill the space left by some other thing . His steps faltered and he turned his head . He was being followed . On instinct , his shields closed around his beast and those whispers died abruptly , leaving only the sounds of the forest at night . He ducked right and stayed downwind and he circled around . By the time he reached you , you had , in fact , stopped , and were resting against a tree trunk . He approached without a sound , after a teensy - weensy deliberation about whether or not to disturb you , and , from behind the tree , wrapped his arms around it and covered your eyes with his hands . says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - Her heart beat was steady , not low or over active , simply strong and steady and she was calm . She didn 't necessarily follow you not in the sense of stalking , simply liked your idea of just walking being in the place that seemed to calm the soul . Her beast was relaxed and sated , when you had threw up your shields she had looked around for the danger she was sure to follow her body tensed her metaphysical beast was on guard . With no sounds coming her way she continued to lean upon the trunk closing her embers once more to allow for the forest to fill her sense . To see it through her beast 's eyes . Though the darkness poured in when your hands covered her eyes and she sniffed , a low whimper escaped her lips she knew by the beating of your heart , the makeup of who you were and the feel of those hands upon her eyes it was you . Her heart had started to pick up pace , fingers brush over your own as she brushed the knuckles of your hands . " You know for a man of Surprises you fail in the approach of being recognized " She teased softly . She held herself bound to the tree a few moments unsure of what intentions either of them had and with a soft parting giggle and knowing your hands weren 't tight upon her face . She wiggled her way free before feet fell upon the earth and she took off in a run , nothing fast or she was afraid , simply took to the woods surrounding them . " You coming " She called over her shoulder feeling the freedom that made her feel alive . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : So he was a man of surprises ? You probably would 've liked to have seen his face when you uttered that one , but , unfortunately for you , your eyes were covered at that point . He released his shields then letting that familiar presence just spread it 's warmth and power around the area we were in , not particularly targeting you , but you and he had physical contact , it would be difficult to avoid , so why try ? " Who said I didn 't want to be recognised ? " He laughed gently as you pulled away , and he lowered his arms and rounded the tree . " Just checking how aware you are of your surroundings . " Perhaps making sure that all that James had been teaching you wasn 't being forgotten now that James was doing more than just teaching you . Off you ran , and it wasn 't the kind of escaping dash that would trigger that CHASE instinct , but it pulled at him anyway . Maybe you had been following him , maybe you hadn 't , but he 'd become aware of you and sought out your company , and here you were abandoning him . Can 't be having that . " Already there , " he muttered to the wind , and his feet were carrying him forward , drawn to action , and he was ducking and weaving through the trees to draw up next to you . His shields down , those whispers were there again , a flurry of noise and excitement now that the two wolves were running amongst them . He didn 't question if you were aware of them , just accepted it as a thing . " Anywhere in particular ? " He smirked , offering you lead in this little jog of ours , even as he rounded a large fallen tree , navigating this territory of ours with ease . He wondered if you 'd venture to the lupanar , in the same way that it always pulled at him . It was true that he had found you there before . says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - She had heard your words and the laugh that peeled over her flesh like that of a soft trail of butterfly kisses . She had been very aware of what was around her and she fed off your wolf , when your shields went into place she waited , counted and even could sense you peeling back towards her , she even gave in to the whispers , the calls , the voices of the lupanar as it reached out to her . She was learning so much and felt the joy of the moments lately . Looking back when she had took of she felt you close to her when you caught up and they were headed to the Lupanar it always called to her , spoke to her , pulled her in the warmth of its embrace and welcomed her being . Stopping when you asked anywhere in particular she smiled and took your hand as they headed deeper into the woods . The other creatures gave them more room then was needed and she began to walk with ease once they reached the place . The luminance of light between scattered branches gave way to the beauty that was held here . Her heart was beating and with your shields dropped she felt herself bath in the comfort of you once more . Turning she looked to you , those soft emeralds falling on your features she tilts her head and speaking once more . " I am aware of the settings about us , I am aware of everything that binds us and it is in this spot that makes the bad of the world fade and all of us become one . They speak to me Nick , do they ever call to you ? " She asked curiously standing there squishing her toes in to the earth and feeling the magic shift through her form says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : The lupanar it was , and his smile broadened on his lips as you took his hand and led him through the trees into the natural clearing , where the large crescent rock formation nestled amongst the treeline at one edge of the clearing had become the focal point for that gathering of munin . The spirits of their fallen pack mates . For how long this had been where there bodies had been brought , had been committed to pack memory , he didn 't know . Many of the spirits here were wolves he would never ever have known , that predated his time here - and that of most of the wolves currently in residence . There were some , though , too many , that he had known . To say ' Rest in Peace ' seemed out of place , because here they were : anything but peaceful . You waxed poetic as you spoke , and it warmed him . You had that way about you sometimes . Call it a quirk of character . To those that didn 't know you it wouldn 't fit what they thought of you , but he knew you , had seen this side of your nature . " They rarely shut up , " he murmured quietly . " used to be , it bothered me . Either it stopped creeping me out , or I got used to it . I don 't know which . " So it wasn 't just him then , that 's good . Not all of the wolves could sense them , or at least , sense them for what they were - beyond a mere breeze of energy . He turned his attention on you , and he faced you , lifting his hand - with yours attached - to chest height . " So you 're not ignoring me ? " He didn 't want to talk work . Perhaps that was inescapable . But this was hardly just a work thing , was it ? says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - She had closed her eyes and tilted her head into the moment , feeling the soft breeze upon her flesh as it raked along her skin and rose the bumps . She was taking in those of fallen pack , those of past and present those she knew and didn 't and in it she had learned so much , craved their knowledge and protection . Once she had longed stop fighting and learn to listen she realized the sanctity of their home and people . Learned that without this place and without the pack she had nothing would simply be a being who was trying to survive in a world where chaos and hatred was stronger than love and memories . Opening her embers she looked to you a moment as you gave her a murmured response and she chuckled softly . The honey tone filled the air about them . Shaking those long blonde locks from her face as she seemed to truly relax around you she gave more and more of her docile nature , the curious chic who had a softer side to the bitch she showed to all . She was simply a harden shell keeping those away she didn 't want close , kept herself from being crushed when it truly matter . " I at first didn 't understand it , them , or what they wanted but being here , learning from you and the rest , and what I feel inside of me I learned to listen to let them in and accept their blessings and teachings . " She said softly before feeling you turn and face her , lifting her hand up to your chest height . She watched you a few moments , eyes locked on your own as the question was presented and a small red tint touched her cheeks . " I was at first , then I wasn 't our schedules had not matched up Nick . " She felt her heart speed up , her hand in yours and she saw the look in your eyes , felt the comfort , and draw of your power against her own like that when they had shared the couch during a movie a while back . It was the feel she always felt around you , one she always tried to ignore and leave it at the door but it was you and she knew fighting would always be a battle she would slowly lose . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : Despite the noise , the whispers that came in waves that grew quiet then would build and crash against those who cared to listen , there was a peace to be had - not just from being here in this sacred place , but being with you . If he tried , he could think of a number of reasons for that , but the easiest was that he had no secrets from you . At times , that could be detrimental , but at other times - times like this - it was a boon . You weren 't just aware of his part to play at Carmine , you were involved . You weren 't just aware of all the crap that had gone down there in the past , and all that had gone on here at the house . You had been there , you had fought . You had been at his side . It allowed for a certain amount of shorthand , a certain … ability to skip past the bullshit . " That 's a terrible excuse . If there 's something you have to say to me or ask of me , you have my number . You know where I live . You know you can come to me or call on me . " He meant that , knew you knew he meant it . He lifted his eyes , glanced about , trying to get a fix on those spirits . There were interested in all of this of course , in these two wolves that had come to their realm , gave them something to excite themselves about . Their energy was rich with potential . " But , " he began , slowly returning his eyes to you . " I also get the distinct impression it 's more that you expect me to have something to say to you . Look , Syd , if it 's about James … " - She shifted a bit not realizing she had stepped closer to you and your form and it was nice and easy that they never kept secrets , she knew of the past , had fought with you , knew of what and who you did . She even knew of things that came and went and most of it you always shared with her in some way or another . It was something she never gave much thought and with them standing in this place , upon sacred ground she had tilted her head as your eyes scanned our over the top of her . Closing her embers she embraced the magic and let the thoughts guide her in what embrace it shared and with it came a simple knowledge that you and her were linked and bound not by blood , or truly packed , but by a friendship so deep that no matter what happened she would always have your back . It was you who had hers when no one else ever did and she had never forgotten it and her loyalty was yours to the end . Listening to your words as you spoke she lifted a slender shoulder before it dropped and she opened the rich greens and spoke softly . " I know Nick and I was wrong for trying to avoid you , I just didn 't know what to honestly say to you about me and James . . I am still not 100 % sure of him , he is great . . but Honestly there are things I am afraid will always hold me back . Things I tell myself repeatedly are not going to happen and are not something I should hope for and yet … " she paused a moment . " I just can 't " turning her eyes towards the heavens she spoke in a lower whispered tone you heard clearly . " And I know your wolf belongs to another " she said biting at her lower lip . It would never change her feelings even if she fought them . They were the same . She simply had to ignore them if she were to make the best of it . Allow you your freedoms , your choices , and even allow you your space . She knew you far to well to ever demand anything of you and she could live with that . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : You had a smile on his lips , at least . " We work and live together ; Avoiding me was never going to work , not for very long . " Yes , yes , I know . He technically lived elsewhere , but that 's besides the point , and not extremely relevant . He 'd been staying here more , recently , in the house or in the forest , and a couple of times he 'd stayed at Carmine . The cabin - except for that night Captain Giles had needed to drink himself into a stupor - had been all but empty . It wasn 't the same , and that , whilst being his fault , was a damn shame . But good . Positive , if he allowed himself to look at it that way . " And being 100 % sure of anybody is … a lot harder than it sounds , and it doesn 't sound simple . " He was trying to help . God knows why . When he heard you 'd gotten involved with James he 'd blinked more times than was necessary . Had thought that was never on the cards , but there is was . But , he guessed , before he and James had their fight , before the night where it seemed everyone settled their scores and challenges were made and met - including yours with Sam - it hadn 't been possible , perhaps . Nick knew where your loyalties lay when it came to that difference of opinions James and he had . Since then , James had quietened . As Hati - he still had authority , albeit a demotion of sorts , but he respected that , respected Mitch 's decision and the way the chips had fallen . There had been no further tousles . Not yet , anyway . It was easy to see what could have happened . Declan had paid the price of throwing his weight around , and the rules out of the window . Nick didn 't particularly understand what those things were that were holding you back , but if you were unsure about James , no - one was going to rush you , and - despite what others may think - he wasn 't about to try and talk you out of it . Just support you . Have moments like this . " My wolf , " he cleared his throat , " thinks it knows what it wants . It can sod off , if you ask me . There 's trouble and there 's trouble … " he exhaled , that beast in him stirring , getting that sense it was being defied in some way and giving off a ripple of a growl - nothing aloud - simply a reverberation of presence . " … What 's that got to do with it ? " Her own moving to console it to calm it from the riled fur of its neck . Pulling your hand up to her cheek she brush your knuckles of her face gently before kissing the back of your hand and speaking . " I know we work together , live together . We are practically always around one another Nick , it changes nothing but solves everything . It is harder than it sounds but for me I cant let certain things go that I feel . Your wolf wants another . . It simply settles for the comfort but it riles for another being and I have felt it . Everyone has when you are around that being . . Have you ever asked yourself why we have never made it to the bedroom ? Why we simply never gave into what our natural instinct is to do ? " She asked tilting her head when she looked up and continued to hold your hand . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : " It solves everything ? " He chuckled , but didn 't let that deter you from speaking the rest of your words . He wondered what you meant by that , what it solved - that you were always around each other . You went on to speak about his wolf as if this was something that you had noticed , but beyond that , that others had noticed . The smile faded , brows tugging towards each other as he frowned . Were the wants ( and needs ? ) of his wolf so transparent ? That thought bothered him . Was a timely reminder of why he and Neala needed to carry on keeping each other 's way , though . This connection of theirs that had managed to form didn 't seem to bother her as much as it once had . Ah , the good old days . " The wolf doesn 't always get what it wants , " he stated , and it was more blustery , more raw than he wanted it to be . He softened his tone , and lowered that hand of his ( and yours ) down between us . His eyes followed as he pieced together his thoughts . " The benefit of being what we are , is that we have this animal nature , and at times it 's so pure and in tune with its surroundings and desires , it can guide us if we let it , and that 's an amazing thing … " his fingers released yours , slipping from your grip too , though tracing down along the back of your hand and along your forearm , the barest of touches from calloused fingertips . " But that 's not all we are . We can think and feel in a way that they can 't , because as much as we , as I 'd love for life so be as simple as they see it , it just isn 't . There is so much more at play here than they would ever want or be able to understand . It 's a balance , " he nodded , as if to cement his point . " And it 's me that 's right this time . Not the wolf . " He 'd traced along your entire arm , then skipped your neck ( i . e . the good part ) to place a large warm hand against your cheek , his gaze having lifted to fix upon your eyes now , a steady , intense , yet calm gaze . " You know , I always thought that if I allowed myself to get closer to you than … than we are now , have been , I risked losing Sam . " He still didn 't know how right he was about that . " Not that that matters now . " This was his way of answering what you had asked of him . " Have you ? " says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - Making a face with you said it solves everything ? She heard the chuckle that fell from your lips , she groaned a bit thinking you weren 't getting what she was meaning . Watching you as you stated your point she blinked a few moments trying to understand the bite in your words before you had lowered their hand back between them . Listening to your words she tilted her head as it seemed sometimes the beast was smarter than its counterpart and in certain times like this one yours was a bit on the more know how then the complications of what life entailed . She wouldn 't say it out loud as her fingers were released and her hand fell to her side , she simply closed her eyes tot eh skitter of kisses along her heated flesh , along her forearm in a dance of like touches and she shivered not to the breeze that licked through the forest and pressed upon their above normal body temps but to the touch , the shiver , the chill that you sent and how close you were In that moment . The feel of the pull from this place . Swallowing a lump that had formed in her throat the husk in her tone and she bullshit reason of losing Sam was why you and her had never gone to bed in the since of sex had certainly caught her attention as her eyes opened and she looked into your hues . The reflection of green followed and she shook her head . " Bullshit . . Nick . . It solves everything that we are in each other 's lives . . That we work together , live together . . That we are as close as many wished to be . We don 't hold secrets from one another and this is why it solves many things that would be normal trouble for those who couldn 't see it or acknowledge what we know and share . As for you risking losing Sam is bullshit . . You were with Carmen , Cerise , Sam , and who ever else . . so No you would lose Sam to others before you would have to me unless others were not a threat and I am missing the point here ? " She said as she lowered her head a moment biting on her lower lip not truly wishing to answer that question when it was aimed back at her . She turned from you , not in the means of turning her back but simply she didn 't want you to see her expression or the hue that would rise to great extent when she spoke . Hell even having you standing so close behind her , all she had to do was lean back and she would feel you . Touch you … . " Nick I have thought about it " she started off and her voice dropped a bit . . " But to go there would mean to touch uncharted waters that could be more damaging then good . On the flip side going there could prove many things to both of us . But an act I had never touched upon . " She had fallen silent while her orbs closed once more and she felt it , the beat of her heart as it sped up and she felt herself fight against that in which she knew was holding her back … You scared her and not in the monstrous ways like many would take you for . She had seen you had your best and worst , had woken beside you after a rogue killing , had stood beside you through many dangers and fights . Had taken up a cause that was yours that you believed in and never questioned you once , though with this she could never tell you the damage you could cause her and how you could destroy her . You were her Strength and weakness at the same time . The further comments though , about Sam and the others … were a bit too close to the mark , a mark that was freshly made and still smarting , and even the wolf in him reacted to that , seeing eye - to - eye with him - on that at least - as it rankled and stirred to skulk around you . " No , you 're right on point , " his voice darkened . It wasn 't a warning , he was just … It 's complicated , and the spirits whipping around the two of you were not helping the situation any . " but it isn 't Bullshit . It 's shit . I 'll give you that , but then I 've muddied things with Sam , did that the day we crossed between mentor and lover . So you see I had my own cause for concern when you and James did the same . " He wanted to go on , but didn 't know how to explain to you how Sam had always been a part of his life here in Orlando , had been a touchstone . Over the years he could gauge his right decisions and his wrong ones from the way she reacted to him after them . Yes he 'd muddied it … but he didn 't regret the last couple of years . He just … had to hope that losing her as a lover wouldn 't mean losing her from his life . Which is what he was trying to suggest could have happened had he gotten involved with you … . and when he thought it through like that … You know , maybe it was bullshit , but he wasn 't about to share that revelation with you . You turned and for a moment he thought you were pulling away , were leaving , and it fucking lurched at his innards , brought him right back to the now and had his beast circling you , pressing you back to him . Y ' see , unreliable these beasts and their fickle ways . " My reasoning may not be sound , Syd , " he sighed , " but … no - one 's proposing that we go there . At least , I don 't think they are ? " He tried to add a smile to his tone there , and he stepped close - right up so that your back pressed against his chest , and he wrapped his arms slowly around you ( if you 'd let him ) , lay his forehead against the back of yours , the scent of you and your hair filling his nostrils . " You have James . I have … shit to figure out . I don 't see that thinking about other ways this conversation could be going will do either of us any good , so , " His hands took ahold of your upper arms and guided you to turn around , maybe even look at him if you dare . " Run with me . The spirits want some kind of a show . " says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - she didn 't realize she had truly hit on a few of the valid points until you spoke even your metaphysical beast was pushing her back . With the force the strength your words . She leaned into you and rested her head against your own , even allowed your arms to wrap about her form like that of a protection from her own self in the moment . She listened so carefully and smiled a bit hearing those words that fell from your lips . When you finally stopped for a moment and you lead her to turn around and face you she looked up to you with those soft embers . " Nick I don 't need reasons , or whys to what or how things are . I simply need you . I don 't lie to you ; I don 't expect you to lie to me . I have James at the moment because I never saw a you and I . You are my best friend , my truest and most sacred person in this world and I would follow you to hell if it meant keeping your ass alive . I know you are not one to be tied , to be held , you like your freedom , your chances , your choice to do as you please . James is much the same and believes in the whole open relationship stance . Something he learned from you . So I being with him is just a bonus to getting certain needs I have filled . It does not mean by any means he is filling the void in my life . That will never be filled but by you when it comes to what we share . " She said watching you when you spoke of running she would like that and nodded her head softly . " A run will do some good , perhaps I will even beat you this time " she teased softly . He didn 't know much of your arrangement with James but here you were going from not being 100 % about him , to being in an ' open ' relationship . It begged caution , but then so could you regarding anything to do with him . What was he thinking ? You and he . It 'd been the topic on the cards for the last little while and yet how it had gotten there escaped him for a moment . It seemed to arrive almost as soon as he 'd asked you if you 'd been ignoring him . So no , you hadn 't . But you didn 't know how to broach the topic of you and James even though you knew ( I mean , you had to know ) that he would find out about it ? His head buzzed with thoughts and with those pesky spirits swirling and mocking them both , and your wolf and his had gotten tangled up in proximity and it was a fucking good feeling . So let 's just leave it at that . Don 't pick . Don 't stir , don 't look too close . Just smile and enjoy the pretty lady and her mouth . I mean , her eyes . I mean , company . Yes , company , and her scent . He withdrew hands from your cheek , earlier words of yours coming back to him ( ' … we simply never gave into what our natural instinct is to do ' ) . Hm . Suddenly the thought of you and he getting undressed in such close proximity didn 't seem like the safest or wisest of options . He bit down on the corner of his bottom lip and let a broad , arrogant smile slowly spread over his features , and he reached to the hem of his shirt , and tugged upwards , pulling it up over his head . " Yeah , " he mused , tossing it to one side and reaching for his belt . " Good luck with that . "
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JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . says to Everyone : The full moon had come and gone and for once , it had been without incident . The pack house had welcomed in most of its brood and the forest had been alive with the energy of the pack , but now most of them were gone . I say most , however , more had stuck around than would usually . It had taken Nick by surprise , but then it was easy to forget that for some of the wolves in the Pack - regardless of a lack of presence around the house except for that mandatory visit every moon , and regardless of a social circle than involved work mates or whatever - for some of them , the pack was their only family . They may not always have wanted them , they may not always appreciate them , but it was Easter , and like they had done over Christmas and thanksgiving , there were a few faces that stuck around for longer than they technically had to . Which made the place feel more alive than it usually did . Nick , for one , appreciated that . He had wandered the house some , before stepping outside into the forest , now that night had fallen and the new moon was peeking out from behind clouds . It was all to easy to remember the ones that weren 't here , when there were others that were . He tried to keeps his thoughts on the positive side of things , but the spirits were close , as they had been so often recently , and they liked memories , as though they were a currency with them . Mirela had visited , before the moon , and had said something of that sort . She was a strange fish , that one , but she enjoyed being connected to the pack here now that she had made Orlando her home . Despite her lineage , Nick couldn 't see any harm in her . If he didn 't , few others would . Mitch couldn 't recall the last time the pack had a vargamor in their number , so although she was yet to officially fill that capacity , the notion has been floated for consideration . He walked , his feet bare , his senses attuned , but even so , his hands shoved into his pockets . The quiet was pleasant . There were too many times recently that his world had seemed far , far too noisy . says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - Silence filled the nightly air , the shifting was nice , the family was back on the mends and it was one of those times where Syd enjoyed being home more than out . James had gone to play some pool with some of the boys while the blonde decided to stay at the house and mingle . Grabbing up a beer from the fridge she popped the top and headed out back . She felt him , his presences , his wolf , his being and she froze the moment she hit the back yard . Her eyes fell to the ground as she had sorta avoided him and Declan the past few weeks . Trying to figure out if things were set to the marker of her own mind but avoidance among them would never last . Sucking at the long neck bottle in hand she followed Nick 's scent into the woods . Her emerald hues flashing with gold flakes as she moved with silence . The soft squish of the earth beneath her feet sank between her toes . The silence of the forest heighten her hearing , all her senses were on alert , heading deeper into where it was sacred for them . Leaning against a trunk of a tree she closed her eyes to just listen to feel the call of the ancestors as they pushed the memory of the dead around sent the chills of the evening to crawl along her skin . It was warm yet a breeze danced through the trees and she let out a low sigh . Her mind thinking over the past and how they all got to this point . A smile placid upon her velvet lips . she was happy for once , truly at peace with all around and even loved being home again . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : You were never really alone in the forest . The pack had a large enough area of land , and enough of them living there that at any one point there was bound to be another of them out there somewhere , whether you knew it or not . That was before you took into account the various other animals that lived out there . The insects and birds paid little attention , but the other wildlife sensed Nick coming and gave him a wide berth , despite his human form . He wasn 't being overly careful with his scent or the reach of his presence . Let them all know he was here . It was a relief to do it . The whispers of the munin spirits grew louder - not that you could focus on a particular direction for any of them , they were just there - the closer he got to the Lupanar . It wasn 't his set destination but the way he walked always seemed to coincide with that place . Perhaps because the opposite direction when leaving the house led towards the old wooder 's huts , and the memories he associated with that place were unsavoury . He tried to clear his mind , leave thoughts of those things behind , and cast away thoughts of the club , of Tyler / Ryan et al , thoughts of his cabin or of Neala , but it was hard to clear your mind , truly . There was always something , desperate to fill the space left by some other thing . His steps faltered and he turned his head . He was being followed . On instinct , his shields closed around his beast and those whispers died abruptly , leaving only the sounds of the forest at night . He ducked right and stayed downwind and he circled around . By the time he reached you , you had , in fact , stopped , and were resting against a tree trunk . He approached without a sound , after a teensy - weensy deliberation about whether or not to disturb you , and , from behind the tree , wrapped his arms around it and covered your eyes with his hands . says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - Her heart beat was steady , not low or over active , simply strong and steady and she was calm . She didn 't necessarily follow you not in the sense of stalking , simply liked your idea of just walking being in the place that seemed to calm the soul . Her beast was relaxed and sated , when you had threw up your shields she had looked around for the danger she was sure to follow her body tensed her metaphysical beast was on guard . With no sounds coming her way she continued to lean upon the trunk closing her embers once more to allow for the forest to fill her sense . To see it through her beast 's eyes . Though the darkness poured in when your hands covered her eyes and she sniffed , a low whimper escaped her lips she knew by the beating of your heart , the makeup of who you were and the feel of those hands upon her eyes it was you . Her heart had started to pick up pace , fingers brush over your own as she brushed the knuckles of your hands . " You know for a man of Surprises you fail in the approach of being recognized " She teased softly . She held herself bound to the tree a few moments unsure of what intentions either of them had and with a soft parting giggle and knowing your hands weren 't tight upon her face . She wiggled her way free before feet fell upon the earth and she took off in a run , nothing fast or she was afraid , simply took to the woods surrounding them . " You coming " She called over her shoulder feeling the freedom that made her feel alive . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : So he was a man of surprises ? You probably would 've liked to have seen his face when you uttered that one , but , unfortunately for you , your eyes were covered at that point . He released his shields then letting that familiar presence just spread it 's warmth and power around the area we were in , not particularly targeting you , but you and he had physical contact , it would be difficult to avoid , so why try ? " Who said I didn 't want to be recognised ? " He laughed gently as you pulled away , and he lowered his arms and rounded the tree . " Just checking how aware you are of your surroundings . " Perhaps making sure that all that James had been teaching you wasn 't being forgotten now that James was doing more than just teaching you . Off you ran , and it wasn 't the kind of escaping dash that would trigger that CHASE instinct , but it pulled at him anyway . Maybe you had been following him , maybe you hadn 't , but he 'd become aware of you and sought out your company , and here you were abandoning him . Can 't be having that . " Already there , " he muttered to the wind , and his feet were carrying him forward , drawn to action , and he was ducking and weaving through the trees to draw up next to you . His shields down , those whispers were there again , a flurry of noise and excitement now that the two wolves were running amongst them . He didn 't question if you were aware of them , just accepted it as a thing . " Anywhere in particular ? " He smirked , offering you lead in this little jog of ours , even as he rounded a large fallen tree , navigating this territory of ours with ease . He wondered if you 'd venture to the lupanar , in the same way that it always pulled at him . It was true that he had found you there before . says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - She had heard your words and the laugh that peeled over her flesh like that of a soft trail of butterfly kisses . She had been very aware of what was around her and she fed off your wolf , when your shields went into place she waited , counted and even could sense you peeling back towards her , she even gave in to the whispers , the calls , the voices of the lupanar as it reached out to her . She was learning so much and felt the joy of the moments lately . Looking back when she had took of she felt you close to her when you caught up and they were headed to the Lupanar it always called to her , spoke to her , pulled her in the warmth of its embrace and welcomed her being . Stopping when you asked anywhere in particular she smiled and took your hand as they headed deeper into the woods . The other creatures gave them more room then was needed and she began to walk with ease once they reached the place . The luminance of light between scattered branches gave way to the beauty that was held here . Her heart was beating and with your shields dropped she felt herself bath in the comfort of you once more . Turning she looked to you , those soft emeralds falling on your features she tilts her head and speaking once more . " I am aware of the settings about us , I am aware of everything that binds us and it is in this spot that makes the bad of the world fade and all of us become one . They speak to me Nick , do they ever call to you ? " She asked curiously standing there squishing her toes in to the earth and feeling the magic shift through her form says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : The lupanar it was , and his smile broadened on his lips as you took his hand and led him through the trees into the natural clearing , where the large crescent rock formation nestled amongst the treeline at one edge of the clearing had become the focal point for that gathering of munin . The spirits of their fallen pack mates . For how long this had been where there bodies had been brought , had been committed to pack memory , he didn 't know . Many of the spirits here were wolves he would never ever have known , that predated his time here - and that of most of the wolves currently in residence . There were some , though , too many , that he had known . To say ' Rest in Peace ' seemed out of place , because here they were : anything but peaceful . You waxed poetic as you spoke , and it warmed him . You had that way about you sometimes . Call it a quirk of character . To those that didn 't know you it wouldn 't fit what they thought of you , but he knew you , had seen this side of your nature . " They rarely shut up , " he murmured quietly . " used to be , it bothered me . Either it stopped creeping me out , or I got used to it . I don 't know which . " So it wasn 't just him then , that 's good . Not all of the wolves could sense them , or at least , sense them for what they were - beyond a mere breeze of energy . He turned his attention on you , and he faced you , lifting his hand - with yours attached - to chest height . " So you 're not ignoring me ? " He didn 't want to talk work . Perhaps that was inescapable . But this was hardly just a work thing , was it ? says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - She had closed her eyes and tilted her head into the moment , feeling the soft breeze upon her flesh as it raked along her skin and rose the bumps . She was taking in those of fallen pack , those of past and present those she knew and didn 't and in it she had learned so much , craved their knowledge and protection . Once she had longed stop fighting and learn to listen she realized the sanctity of their home and people . Learned that without this place and without the pack she had nothing would simply be a being who was trying to survive in a world where chaos and hatred was stronger than love and memories . Opening her embers she looked to you a moment as you gave her a murmured response and she chuckled softly . The honey tone filled the air about them . Shaking those long blonde locks from her face as she seemed to truly relax around you she gave more and more of her docile nature , the curious chic who had a softer side to the bitch she showed to all . She was simply a harden shell keeping those away she didn 't want close , kept herself from being crushed when it truly matter . " I at first didn 't understand it , them , or what they wanted but being here , learning from you and the rest , and what I feel inside of me I learned to listen to let them in and accept their blessings and teachings . " She said softly before feeling you turn and face her , lifting her hand up to your chest height . She watched you a few moments , eyes locked on your own as the question was presented and a small red tint touched her cheeks . " I was at first , then I wasn 't our schedules had not matched up Nick . " She felt her heart speed up , her hand in yours and she saw the look in your eyes , felt the comfort , and draw of your power against her own like that when they had shared the couch during a movie a while back . It was the feel she always felt around you , one she always tried to ignore and leave it at the door but it was you and she knew fighting would always be a battle she would slowly lose . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : Despite the noise , the whispers that came in waves that grew quiet then would build and crash against those who cared to listen , there was a peace to be had - not just from being here in this sacred place , but being with you . If he tried , he could think of a number of reasons for that , but the easiest was that he had no secrets from you . At times , that could be detrimental , but at other times - times like this - it was a boon . You weren 't just aware of his part to play at Carmine , you were involved . You weren 't just aware of all the crap that had gone down there in the past , and all that had gone on here at the house . You had been there , you had fought . You had been at his side . It allowed for a certain amount of shorthand , a certain … ability to skip past the bullshit . " That 's a terrible excuse . If there 's something you have to say to me or ask of me , you have my number . You know where I live . You know you can come to me or call on me . " He meant that , knew you knew he meant it . He lifted his eyes , glanced about , trying to get a fix on those spirits . There were interested in all of this of course , in these two wolves that had come to their realm , gave them something to excite themselves about . Their energy was rich with potential . " But , " he began , slowly returning his eyes to you . " I also get the distinct impression it 's more that you expect me to have something to say to you . Look , Syd , if it 's about James … " - She shifted a bit not realizing she had stepped closer to you and your form and it was nice and easy that they never kept secrets , she knew of the past , had fought with you , knew of what and who you did . She even knew of things that came and went and most of it you always shared with her in some way or another . It was something she never gave much thought and with them standing in this place , upon sacred ground she had tilted her head as your eyes scanned our over the top of her . Closing her embers she embraced the magic and let the thoughts guide her in what embrace it shared and with it came a simple knowledge that you and her were linked and bound not by blood , or truly packed , but by a friendship so deep that no matter what happened she would always have your back . It was you who had hers when no one else ever did and she had never forgotten it and her loyalty was yours to the end . Listening to your words as you spoke she lifted a slender shoulder before it dropped and she opened the rich greens and spoke softly . " I know Nick and I was wrong for trying to avoid you , I just didn 't know what to honestly say to you about me and James . . I am still not 100 % sure of him , he is great . . but Honestly there are things I am afraid will always hold me back . Things I tell myself repeatedly are not going to happen and are not something I should hope for and yet … " she paused a moment . " I just can 't " turning her eyes towards the heavens she spoke in a lower whispered tone you heard clearly . " And I know your wolf belongs to another " she said biting at her lower lip . It would never change her feelings even if she fought them . They were the same . She simply had to ignore them if she were to make the best of it . Allow you your freedoms , your choices , and even allow you your space . She knew you far to well to ever demand anything of you and she could live with that . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : You had a smile on his lips , at least . " We work and live together ; Avoiding me was never going to work , not for very long . " Yes , yes , I know . He technically lived elsewhere , but that 's besides the point , and not extremely relevant . He 'd been staying here more , recently , in the house or in the forest , and a couple of times he 'd stayed at Carmine . The cabin - except for that night Captain Giles had needed to drink himself into a stupor - had been all but empty . It wasn 't the same , and that , whilst being his fault , was a damn shame . But good . Positive , if he allowed himself to look at it that way . " And being 100 % sure of anybody is … a lot harder than it sounds , and it doesn 't sound simple . " He was trying to help . God knows why . When he heard you 'd gotten involved with James he 'd blinked more times than was necessary . Had thought that was never on the cards , but there is was . But , he guessed , before he and James had their fight , before the night where it seemed everyone settled their scores and challenges were made and met - including yours with Sam - it hadn 't been possible , perhaps . Nick knew where your loyalties lay when it came to that difference of opinions James and he had . Since then , James had quietened . As Hati - he still had authority , albeit a demotion of sorts , but he respected that , respected Mitch 's decision and the way the chips had fallen . There had been no further tousles . Not yet , anyway . It was easy to see what could have happened . Declan had paid the price of throwing his weight around , and the rules out of the window . Nick didn 't particularly understand what those things were that were holding you back , but if you were unsure about James , no - one was going to rush you , and - despite what others may think - he wasn 't about to try and talk you out of it . Just support you . Have moments like this . " My wolf , " he cleared his throat , " thinks it knows what it wants . It can sod off , if you ask me . There 's trouble and there 's trouble … " he exhaled , that beast in him stirring , getting that sense it was being defied in some way and giving off a ripple of a growl - nothing aloud - simply a reverberation of presence . " … What 's that got to do with it ? " Her own moving to console it to calm it from the riled fur of its neck . Pulling your hand up to her cheek she brush your knuckles of her face gently before kissing the back of your hand and speaking . " I know we work together , live together . We are practically always around one another Nick , it changes nothing but solves everything . It is harder than it sounds but for me I cant let certain things go that I feel . Your wolf wants another . . It simply settles for the comfort but it riles for another being and I have felt it . Everyone has when you are around that being . . Have you ever asked yourself why we have never made it to the bedroom ? Why we simply never gave into what our natural instinct is to do ? " She asked tilting her head when she looked up and continued to hold your hand . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : " It solves everything ? " He chuckled , but didn 't let that deter you from speaking the rest of your words . He wondered what you meant by that , what it solved - that you were always around each other . You went on to speak about his wolf as if this was something that you had noticed , but beyond that , that others had noticed . The smile faded , brows tugging towards each other as he frowned . Were the wants ( and needs ? ) of his wolf so transparent ? That thought bothered him . Was a timely reminder of why he and Neala needed to carry on keeping each other 's way , though . This connection of theirs that had managed to form didn 't seem to bother her as much as it once had . Ah , the good old days . " The wolf doesn 't always get what it wants , " he stated , and it was more blustery , more raw than he wanted it to be . He softened his tone , and lowered that hand of his ( and yours ) down between us . His eyes followed as he pieced together his thoughts . " The benefit of being what we are , is that we have this animal nature , and at times it 's so pure and in tune with its surroundings and desires , it can guide us if we let it , and that 's an amazing thing … " his fingers released yours , slipping from your grip too , though tracing down along the back of your hand and along your forearm , the barest of touches from calloused fingertips . " But that 's not all we are . We can think and feel in a way that they can 't , because as much as we , as I 'd love for life so be as simple as they see it , it just isn 't . There is so much more at play here than they would ever want or be able to understand . It 's a balance , " he nodded , as if to cement his point . " And it 's me that 's right this time . Not the wolf . " He 'd traced along your entire arm , then skipped your neck ( i . e . the good part ) to place a large warm hand against your cheek , his gaze having lifted to fix upon your eyes now , a steady , intense , yet calm gaze . " You know , I always thought that if I allowed myself to get closer to you than … than we are now , have been , I risked losing Sam . " He still didn 't know how right he was about that . " Not that that matters now . " This was his way of answering what you had asked of him . " Have you ? " says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - Making a face with you said it solves everything ? She heard the chuckle that fell from your lips , she groaned a bit thinking you weren 't getting what she was meaning . Watching you as you stated your point she blinked a few moments trying to understand the bite in your words before you had lowered their hand back between them . Listening to your words she tilted her head as it seemed sometimes the beast was smarter than its counterpart and in certain times like this one yours was a bit on the more know how then the complications of what life entailed . She wouldn 't say it out loud as her fingers were released and her hand fell to her side , she simply closed her eyes tot eh skitter of kisses along her heated flesh , along her forearm in a dance of like touches and she shivered not to the breeze that licked through the forest and pressed upon their above normal body temps but to the touch , the shiver , the chill that you sent and how close you were In that moment . The feel of the pull from this place . Swallowing a lump that had formed in her throat the husk in her tone and she bullshit reason of losing Sam was why you and her had never gone to bed in the since of sex had certainly caught her attention as her eyes opened and she looked into your hues . The reflection of green followed and she shook her head . " Bullshit . . Nick . . It solves everything that we are in each other 's lives . . That we work together , live together . . That we are as close as many wished to be . We don 't hold secrets from one another and this is why it solves many things that would be normal trouble for those who couldn 't see it or acknowledge what we know and share . As for you risking losing Sam is bullshit . . You were with Carmen , Cerise , Sam , and who ever else . . so No you would lose Sam to others before you would have to me unless others were not a threat and I am missing the point here ? " She said as she lowered her head a moment biting on her lower lip not truly wishing to answer that question when it was aimed back at her . She turned from you , not in the means of turning her back but simply she didn 't want you to see her expression or the hue that would rise to great extent when she spoke . Hell even having you standing so close behind her , all she had to do was lean back and she would feel you . Touch you … . " Nick I have thought about it " she started off and her voice dropped a bit . . " But to go there would mean to touch uncharted waters that could be more damaging then good . On the flip side going there could prove many things to both of us . But an act I had never touched upon . " She had fallen silent while her orbs closed once more and she felt it , the beat of her heart as it sped up and she felt herself fight against that in which she knew was holding her back … You scared her and not in the monstrous ways like many would take you for . She had seen you had your best and worst , had woken beside you after a rogue killing , had stood beside you through many dangers and fights . Had taken up a cause that was yours that you believed in and never questioned you once , though with this she could never tell you the damage you could cause her and how you could destroy her . You were her Strength and weakness at the same time . The further comments though , about Sam and the others … were a bit too close to the mark , a mark that was freshly made and still smarting , and even the wolf in him reacted to that , seeing eye - to - eye with him - on that at least - as it rankled and stirred to skulk around you . " No , you 're right on point , " his voice darkened . It wasn 't a warning , he was just … It 's complicated , and the spirits whipping around the two of you were not helping the situation any . " but it isn 't Bullshit . It 's shit . I 'll give you that , but then I 've muddied things with Sam , did that the day we crossed between mentor and lover . So you see I had my own cause for concern when you and James did the same . " He wanted to go on , but didn 't know how to explain to you how Sam had always been a part of his life here in Orlando , had been a touchstone . Over the years he could gauge his right decisions and his wrong ones from the way she reacted to him after them . Yes he 'd muddied it … but he didn 't regret the last couple of years . He just … had to hope that losing her as a lover wouldn 't mean losing her from his life . Which is what he was trying to suggest could have happened had he gotten involved with you … . and when he thought it through like that … You know , maybe it was bullshit , but he wasn 't about to share that revelation with you . You turned and for a moment he thought you were pulling away , were leaving , and it fucking lurched at his innards , brought him right back to the now and had his beast circling you , pressing you back to him . Y ' see , unreliable these beasts and their fickle ways . " My reasoning may not be sound , Syd , " he sighed , " but … no - one 's proposing that we go there . At least , I don 't think they are ? " He tried to add a smile to his tone there , and he stepped close - right up so that your back pressed against his chest , and he wrapped his arms slowly around you ( if you 'd let him ) , lay his forehead against the back of yours , the scent of you and your hair filling his nostrils . " You have James . I have … shit to figure out . I don 't see that thinking about other ways this conversation could be going will do either of us any good , so , " His hands took ahold of your upper arms and guided you to turn around , maybe even look at him if you dare . " Run with me . The spirits want some kind of a show . " says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - she didn 't realize she had truly hit on a few of the valid points until you spoke even your metaphysical beast was pushing her back . With the force the strength your words . She leaned into you and rested her head against your own , even allowed your arms to wrap about her form like that of a protection from her own self in the moment . She listened so carefully and smiled a bit hearing those words that fell from your lips . When you finally stopped for a moment and you lead her to turn around and face you she looked up to you with those soft embers . " Nick I don 't need reasons , or whys to what or how things are . I simply need you . I don 't lie to you ; I don 't expect you to lie to me . I have James at the moment because I never saw a you and I . You are my best friend , my truest and most sacred person in this world and I would follow you to hell if it meant keeping your ass alive . I know you are not one to be tied , to be held , you like your freedom , your chances , your choice to do as you please . James is much the same and believes in the whole open relationship stance . Something he learned from you . So I being with him is just a bonus to getting certain needs I have filled . It does not mean by any means he is filling the void in my life . That will never be filled but by you when it comes to what we share . " She said watching you when you spoke of running she would like that and nodded her head softly . " A run will do some good , perhaps I will even beat you this time " she teased softly . He didn 't know much of your arrangement with James but here you were going from not being 100 % about him , to being in an ' open ' relationship . It begged caution , but then so could you regarding anything to do with him . What was he thinking ? You and he . It 'd been the topic on the cards for the last little while and yet how it had gotten there escaped him for a moment . It seemed to arrive almost as soon as he 'd asked you if you 'd been ignoring him . So no , you hadn 't . But you didn 't know how to broach the topic of you and James even though you knew ( I mean , you had to know ) that he would find out about it ? His head buzzed with thoughts and with those pesky spirits swirling and mocking them both , and your wolf and his had gotten tangled up in proximity and it was a fucking good feeling . So let 's just leave it at that . Don 't pick . Don 't stir , don 't look too close . Just smile and enjoy the pretty lady and her mouth . I mean , her eyes . I mean , company . Yes , company , and her scent . He withdrew hands from your cheek , earlier words of yours coming back to him ( ' … we simply never gave into what our natural instinct is to do ' ) . Hm . Suddenly the thought of you and he getting undressed in such close proximity didn 't seem like the safest or wisest of options . He bit down on the corner of his bottom lip and let a broad , arrogant smile slowly spread over his features , and he reached to the hem of his shirt , and tugged upwards , pulling it up over his head . " Yeah , " he mused , tossing it to one side and reaching for his belt . " Good luck with that . "
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JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . says to Everyone : The full moon had come and gone and for once , it had been without incident . The pack house had welcomed in most of its brood and the forest had been alive with the energy of the pack , but now most of them were gone . I say most , however , more had stuck around than would usually . It had taken Nick by surprise , but then it was easy to forget that for some of the wolves in the Pack - regardless of a lack of presence around the house except for that mandatory visit every moon , and regardless of a social circle than involved work mates or whatever - for some of them , the pack was their only family . They may not always have wanted them , they may not always appreciate them , but it was Easter , and like they had done over Christmas and thanksgiving , there were a few faces that stuck around for longer than they technically had to . Which made the place feel more alive than it usually did . Nick , for one , appreciated that . He had wandered the house some , before stepping outside into the forest , now that night had fallen and the new moon was peeking out from behind clouds . It was all to easy to remember the ones that weren 't here , when there were others that were . He tried to keeps his thoughts on the positive side of things , but the spirits were close , as they had been so often recently , and they liked memories , as though they were a currency with them . Mirela had visited , before the moon , and had said something of that sort . She was a strange fish , that one , but she enjoyed being connected to the pack here now that she had made Orlando her home . Despite her lineage , Nick couldn 't see any harm in her . If he didn 't , few others would . Mitch couldn 't recall the last time the pack had a vargamor in their number , so although she was yet to officially fill that capacity , the notion has been floated for consideration . He walked , his feet bare , his senses attuned , but even so , his hands shoved into his pockets . The quiet was pleasant . There were too many times recently that his world had seemed far , far too noisy . says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - Silence filled the nightly air , the shifting was nice , the family was back on the mends and it was one of those times where Syd enjoyed being home more than out . James had gone to play some pool with some of the boys while the blonde decided to stay at the house and mingle . Grabbing up a beer from the fridge she popped the top and headed out back . She felt him , his presences , his wolf , his being and she froze the moment she hit the back yard . Her eyes fell to the ground as she had sorta avoided him and Declan the past few weeks . Trying to figure out if things were set to the marker of her own mind but avoidance among them would never last . Sucking at the long neck bottle in hand she followed Nick 's scent into the woods . Her emerald hues flashing with gold flakes as she moved with silence . The soft squish of the earth beneath her feet sank between her toes . The silence of the forest heighten her hearing , all her senses were on alert , heading deeper into where it was sacred for them . Leaning against a trunk of a tree she closed her eyes to just listen to feel the call of the ancestors as they pushed the memory of the dead around sent the chills of the evening to crawl along her skin . It was warm yet a breeze danced through the trees and she let out a low sigh . Her mind thinking over the past and how they all got to this point . A smile placid upon her velvet lips . she was happy for once , truly at peace with all around and even loved being home again . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : You were never really alone in the forest . The pack had a large enough area of land , and enough of them living there that at any one point there was bound to be another of them out there somewhere , whether you knew it or not . That was before you took into account the various other animals that lived out there . The insects and birds paid little attention , but the other wildlife sensed Nick coming and gave him a wide berth , despite his human form . He wasn 't being overly careful with his scent or the reach of his presence . Let them all know he was here . It was a relief to do it . The whispers of the munin spirits grew louder - not that you could focus on a particular direction for any of them , they were just there - the closer he got to the Lupanar . It wasn 't his set destination but the way he walked always seemed to coincide with that place . Perhaps because the opposite direction when leaving the house led towards the old wooder 's huts , and the memories he associated with that place were unsavoury . He tried to clear his mind , leave thoughts of those things behind , and cast away thoughts of the club , of Tyler / Ryan et al , thoughts of his cabin or of Neala , but it was hard to clear your mind , truly . There was always something , desperate to fill the space left by some other thing . His steps faltered and he turned his head . He was being followed . On instinct , his shields closed around his beast and those whispers died abruptly , leaving only the sounds of the forest at night . He ducked right and stayed downwind and he circled around . By the time he reached you , you had , in fact , stopped , and were resting against a tree trunk . He approached without a sound , after a teensy - weensy deliberation about whether or not to disturb you , and , from behind the tree , wrapped his arms around it and covered your eyes with his hands . says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - Her heart beat was steady , not low or over active , simply strong and steady and she was calm . She didn 't necessarily follow you not in the sense of stalking , simply liked your idea of just walking being in the place that seemed to calm the soul . Her beast was relaxed and sated , when you had threw up your shields she had looked around for the danger she was sure to follow her body tensed her metaphysical beast was on guard . With no sounds coming her way she continued to lean upon the trunk closing her embers once more to allow for the forest to fill her sense . To see it through her beast 's eyes . Though the darkness poured in when your hands covered her eyes and she sniffed , a low whimper escaped her lips she knew by the beating of your heart , the makeup of who you were and the feel of those hands upon her eyes it was you . Her heart had started to pick up pace , fingers brush over your own as she brushed the knuckles of your hands . " You know for a man of Surprises you fail in the approach of being recognized " She teased softly . She held herself bound to the tree a few moments unsure of what intentions either of them had and with a soft parting giggle and knowing your hands weren 't tight upon her face . She wiggled her way free before feet fell upon the earth and she took off in a run , nothing fast or she was afraid , simply took to the woods surrounding them . " You coming " She called over her shoulder feeling the freedom that made her feel alive . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : So he was a man of surprises ? You probably would 've liked to have seen his face when you uttered that one , but , unfortunately for you , your eyes were covered at that point . He released his shields then letting that familiar presence just spread it 's warmth and power around the area we were in , not particularly targeting you , but you and he had physical contact , it would be difficult to avoid , so why try ? " Who said I didn 't want to be recognised ? " He laughed gently as you pulled away , and he lowered his arms and rounded the tree . " Just checking how aware you are of your surroundings . " Perhaps making sure that all that James had been teaching you wasn 't being forgotten now that James was doing more than just teaching you . Off you ran , and it wasn 't the kind of escaping dash that would trigger that CHASE instinct , but it pulled at him anyway . Maybe you had been following him , maybe you hadn 't , but he 'd become aware of you and sought out your company , and here you were abandoning him . Can 't be having that . " Already there , " he muttered to the wind , and his feet were carrying him forward , drawn to action , and he was ducking and weaving through the trees to draw up next to you . His shields down , those whispers were there again , a flurry of noise and excitement now that the two wolves were running amongst them . He didn 't question if you were aware of them , just accepted it as a thing . " Anywhere in particular ? " He smirked , offering you lead in this little jog of ours , even as he rounded a large fallen tree , navigating this territory of ours with ease . He wondered if you 'd venture to the lupanar , in the same way that it always pulled at him . It was true that he had found you there before . says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - She had heard your words and the laugh that peeled over her flesh like that of a soft trail of butterfly kisses . She had been very aware of what was around her and she fed off your wolf , when your shields went into place she waited , counted and even could sense you peeling back towards her , she even gave in to the whispers , the calls , the voices of the lupanar as it reached out to her . She was learning so much and felt the joy of the moments lately . Looking back when she had took of she felt you close to her when you caught up and they were headed to the Lupanar it always called to her , spoke to her , pulled her in the warmth of its embrace and welcomed her being . Stopping when you asked anywhere in particular she smiled and took your hand as they headed deeper into the woods . The other creatures gave them more room then was needed and she began to walk with ease once they reached the place . The luminance of light between scattered branches gave way to the beauty that was held here . Her heart was beating and with your shields dropped she felt herself bath in the comfort of you once more . Turning she looked to you , those soft emeralds falling on your features she tilts her head and speaking once more . " I am aware of the settings about us , I am aware of everything that binds us and it is in this spot that makes the bad of the world fade and all of us become one . They speak to me Nick , do they ever call to you ? " She asked curiously standing there squishing her toes in to the earth and feeling the magic shift through her form says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : The lupanar it was , and his smile broadened on his lips as you took his hand and led him through the trees into the natural clearing , where the large crescent rock formation nestled amongst the treeline at one edge of the clearing had become the focal point for that gathering of munin . The spirits of their fallen pack mates . For how long this had been where there bodies had been brought , had been committed to pack memory , he didn 't know . Many of the spirits here were wolves he would never ever have known , that predated his time here - and that of most of the wolves currently in residence . There were some , though , too many , that he had known . To say ' Rest in Peace ' seemed out of place , because here they were : anything but peaceful . You waxed poetic as you spoke , and it warmed him . You had that way about you sometimes . Call it a quirk of character . To those that didn 't know you it wouldn 't fit what they thought of you , but he knew you , had seen this side of your nature . " They rarely shut up , " he murmured quietly . " used to be , it bothered me . Either it stopped creeping me out , or I got used to it . I don 't know which . " So it wasn 't just him then , that 's good . Not all of the wolves could sense them , or at least , sense them for what they were - beyond a mere breeze of energy . He turned his attention on you , and he faced you , lifting his hand - with yours attached - to chest height . " So you 're not ignoring me ? " He didn 't want to talk work . Perhaps that was inescapable . But this was hardly just a work thing , was it ? says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - She had closed her eyes and tilted her head into the moment , feeling the soft breeze upon her flesh as it raked along her skin and rose the bumps . She was taking in those of fallen pack , those of past and present those she knew and didn 't and in it she had learned so much , craved their knowledge and protection . Once she had longed stop fighting and learn to listen she realized the sanctity of their home and people . Learned that without this place and without the pack she had nothing would simply be a being who was trying to survive in a world where chaos and hatred was stronger than love and memories . Opening her embers she looked to you a moment as you gave her a murmured response and she chuckled softly . The honey tone filled the air about them . Shaking those long blonde locks from her face as she seemed to truly relax around you she gave more and more of her docile nature , the curious chic who had a softer side to the bitch she showed to all . She was simply a harden shell keeping those away she didn 't want close , kept herself from being crushed when it truly matter . " I at first didn 't understand it , them , or what they wanted but being here , learning from you and the rest , and what I feel inside of me I learned to listen to let them in and accept their blessings and teachings . " She said softly before feeling you turn and face her , lifting her hand up to your chest height . She watched you a few moments , eyes locked on your own as the question was presented and a small red tint touched her cheeks . " I was at first , then I wasn 't our schedules had not matched up Nick . " She felt her heart speed up , her hand in yours and she saw the look in your eyes , felt the comfort , and draw of your power against her own like that when they had shared the couch during a movie a while back . It was the feel she always felt around you , one she always tried to ignore and leave it at the door but it was you and she knew fighting would always be a battle she would slowly lose . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : Despite the noise , the whispers that came in waves that grew quiet then would build and crash against those who cared to listen , there was a peace to be had - not just from being here in this sacred place , but being with you . If he tried , he could think of a number of reasons for that , but the easiest was that he had no secrets from you . At times , that could be detrimental , but at other times - times like this - it was a boon . You weren 't just aware of his part to play at Carmine , you were involved . You weren 't just aware of all the crap that had gone down there in the past , and all that had gone on here at the house . You had been there , you had fought . You had been at his side . It allowed for a certain amount of shorthand , a certain … ability to skip past the bullshit . " That 's a terrible excuse . If there 's something you have to say to me or ask of me , you have my number . You know where I live . You know you can come to me or call on me . " He meant that , knew you knew he meant it . He lifted his eyes , glanced about , trying to get a fix on those spirits . There were interested in all of this of course , in these two wolves that had come to their realm , gave them something to excite themselves about . Their energy was rich with potential . " But , " he began , slowly returning his eyes to you . " I also get the distinct impression it 's more that you expect me to have something to say to you . Look , Syd , if it 's about James … " - She shifted a bit not realizing she had stepped closer to you and your form and it was nice and easy that they never kept secrets , she knew of the past , had fought with you , knew of what and who you did . She even knew of things that came and went and most of it you always shared with her in some way or another . It was something she never gave much thought and with them standing in this place , upon sacred ground she had tilted her head as your eyes scanned our over the top of her . Closing her embers she embraced the magic and let the thoughts guide her in what embrace it shared and with it came a simple knowledge that you and her were linked and bound not by blood , or truly packed , but by a friendship so deep that no matter what happened she would always have your back . It was you who had hers when no one else ever did and she had never forgotten it and her loyalty was yours to the end . Listening to your words as you spoke she lifted a slender shoulder before it dropped and she opened the rich greens and spoke softly . " I know Nick and I was wrong for trying to avoid you , I just didn 't know what to honestly say to you about me and James . . I am still not 100 % sure of him , he is great . . but Honestly there are things I am afraid will always hold me back . Things I tell myself repeatedly are not going to happen and are not something I should hope for and yet … " she paused a moment . " I just can 't " turning her eyes towards the heavens she spoke in a lower whispered tone you heard clearly . " And I know your wolf belongs to another " she said biting at her lower lip . It would never change her feelings even if she fought them . They were the same . She simply had to ignore them if she were to make the best of it . Allow you your freedoms , your choices , and even allow you your space . She knew you far to well to ever demand anything of you and she could live with that . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : You had a smile on his lips , at least . " We work and live together ; Avoiding me was never going to work , not for very long . " Yes , yes , I know . He technically lived elsewhere , but that 's besides the point , and not extremely relevant . He 'd been staying here more , recently , in the house or in the forest , and a couple of times he 'd stayed at Carmine . The cabin - except for that night Captain Giles had needed to drink himself into a stupor - had been all but empty . It wasn 't the same , and that , whilst being his fault , was a damn shame . But good . Positive , if he allowed himself to look at it that way . " And being 100 % sure of anybody is … a lot harder than it sounds , and it doesn 't sound simple . " He was trying to help . God knows why . When he heard you 'd gotten involved with James he 'd blinked more times than was necessary . Had thought that was never on the cards , but there is was . But , he guessed , before he and James had their fight , before the night where it seemed everyone settled their scores and challenges were made and met - including yours with Sam - it hadn 't been possible , perhaps . Nick knew where your loyalties lay when it came to that difference of opinions James and he had . Since then , James had quietened . As Hati - he still had authority , albeit a demotion of sorts , but he respected that , respected Mitch 's decision and the way the chips had fallen . There had been no further tousles . Not yet , anyway . It was easy to see what could have happened . Declan had paid the price of throwing his weight around , and the rules out of the window . Nick didn 't particularly understand what those things were that were holding you back , but if you were unsure about James , no - one was going to rush you , and - despite what others may think - he wasn 't about to try and talk you out of it . Just support you . Have moments like this . " My wolf , " he cleared his throat , " thinks it knows what it wants . It can sod off , if you ask me . There 's trouble and there 's trouble … " he exhaled , that beast in him stirring , getting that sense it was being defied in some way and giving off a ripple of a growl - nothing aloud - simply a reverberation of presence . " … What 's that got to do with it ? " Her own moving to console it to calm it from the riled fur of its neck . Pulling your hand up to her cheek she brush your knuckles of her face gently before kissing the back of your hand and speaking . " I know we work together , live together . We are practically always around one another Nick , it changes nothing but solves everything . It is harder than it sounds but for me I cant let certain things go that I feel . Your wolf wants another . . It simply settles for the comfort but it riles for another being and I have felt it . Everyone has when you are around that being . . Have you ever asked yourself why we have never made it to the bedroom ? Why we simply never gave into what our natural instinct is to do ? " She asked tilting her head when she looked up and continued to hold your hand . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : " It solves everything ? " He chuckled , but didn 't let that deter you from speaking the rest of your words . He wondered what you meant by that , what it solved - that you were always around each other . You went on to speak about his wolf as if this was something that you had noticed , but beyond that , that others had noticed . The smile faded , brows tugging towards each other as he frowned . Were the wants ( and needs ? ) of his wolf so transparent ? That thought bothered him . Was a timely reminder of why he and Neala needed to carry on keeping each other 's way , though . This connection of theirs that had managed to form didn 't seem to bother her as much as it once had . Ah , the good old days . " The wolf doesn 't always get what it wants , " he stated , and it was more blustery , more raw than he wanted it to be . He softened his tone , and lowered that hand of his ( and yours ) down between us . His eyes followed as he pieced together his thoughts . " The benefit of being what we are , is that we have this animal nature , and at times it 's so pure and in tune with its surroundings and desires , it can guide us if we let it , and that 's an amazing thing … " his fingers released yours , slipping from your grip too , though tracing down along the back of your hand and along your forearm , the barest of touches from calloused fingertips . " But that 's not all we are . We can think and feel in a way that they can 't , because as much as we , as I 'd love for life so be as simple as they see it , it just isn 't . There is so much more at play here than they would ever want or be able to understand . It 's a balance , " he nodded , as if to cement his point . " And it 's me that 's right this time . Not the wolf . " He 'd traced along your entire arm , then skipped your neck ( i . e . the good part ) to place a large warm hand against your cheek , his gaze having lifted to fix upon your eyes now , a steady , intense , yet calm gaze . " You know , I always thought that if I allowed myself to get closer to you than … than we are now , have been , I risked losing Sam . " He still didn 't know how right he was about that . " Not that that matters now . " This was his way of answering what you had asked of him . " Have you ? " says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - Making a face with you said it solves everything ? She heard the chuckle that fell from your lips , she groaned a bit thinking you weren 't getting what she was meaning . Watching you as you stated your point she blinked a few moments trying to understand the bite in your words before you had lowered their hand back between them . Listening to your words she tilted her head as it seemed sometimes the beast was smarter than its counterpart and in certain times like this one yours was a bit on the more know how then the complications of what life entailed . She wouldn 't say it out loud as her fingers were released and her hand fell to her side , she simply closed her eyes tot eh skitter of kisses along her heated flesh , along her forearm in a dance of like touches and she shivered not to the breeze that licked through the forest and pressed upon their above normal body temps but to the touch , the shiver , the chill that you sent and how close you were In that moment . The feel of the pull from this place . Swallowing a lump that had formed in her throat the husk in her tone and she bullshit reason of losing Sam was why you and her had never gone to bed in the since of sex had certainly caught her attention as her eyes opened and she looked into your hues . The reflection of green followed and she shook her head . " Bullshit . . Nick . . It solves everything that we are in each other 's lives . . That we work together , live together . . That we are as close as many wished to be . We don 't hold secrets from one another and this is why it solves many things that would be normal trouble for those who couldn 't see it or acknowledge what we know and share . As for you risking losing Sam is bullshit . . You were with Carmen , Cerise , Sam , and who ever else . . so No you would lose Sam to others before you would have to me unless others were not a threat and I am missing the point here ? " She said as she lowered her head a moment biting on her lower lip not truly wishing to answer that question when it was aimed back at her . She turned from you , not in the means of turning her back but simply she didn 't want you to see her expression or the hue that would rise to great extent when she spoke . Hell even having you standing so close behind her , all she had to do was lean back and she would feel you . Touch you … . " Nick I have thought about it " she started off and her voice dropped a bit . . " But to go there would mean to touch uncharted waters that could be more damaging then good . On the flip side going there could prove many things to both of us . But an act I had never touched upon . " She had fallen silent while her orbs closed once more and she felt it , the beat of her heart as it sped up and she felt herself fight against that in which she knew was holding her back … You scared her and not in the monstrous ways like many would take you for . She had seen you had your best and worst , had woken beside you after a rogue killing , had stood beside you through many dangers and fights . Had taken up a cause that was yours that you believed in and never questioned you once , though with this she could never tell you the damage you could cause her and how you could destroy her . You were her Strength and weakness at the same time . The further comments though , about Sam and the others … were a bit too close to the mark , a mark that was freshly made and still smarting , and even the wolf in him reacted to that , seeing eye - to - eye with him - on that at least - as it rankled and stirred to skulk around you . " No , you 're right on point , " his voice darkened . It wasn 't a warning , he was just … It 's complicated , and the spirits whipping around the two of you were not helping the situation any . " but it isn 't Bullshit . It 's shit . I 'll give you that , but then I 've muddied things with Sam , did that the day we crossed between mentor and lover . So you see I had my own cause for concern when you and James did the same . " He wanted to go on , but didn 't know how to explain to you how Sam had always been a part of his life here in Orlando , had been a touchstone . Over the years he could gauge his right decisions and his wrong ones from the way she reacted to him after them . Yes he 'd muddied it … but he didn 't regret the last couple of years . He just … had to hope that losing her as a lover wouldn 't mean losing her from his life . Which is what he was trying to suggest could have happened had he gotten involved with you … . and when he thought it through like that … You know , maybe it was bullshit , but he wasn 't about to share that revelation with you . You turned and for a moment he thought you were pulling away , were leaving , and it fucking lurched at his innards , brought him right back to the now and had his beast circling you , pressing you back to him . Y ' see , unreliable these beasts and their fickle ways . " My reasoning may not be sound , Syd , " he sighed , " but … no - one 's proposing that we go there . At least , I don 't think they are ? " He tried to add a smile to his tone there , and he stepped close - right up so that your back pressed against his chest , and he wrapped his arms slowly around you ( if you 'd let him ) , lay his forehead against the back of yours , the scent of you and your hair filling his nostrils . " You have James . I have … shit to figure out . I don 't see that thinking about other ways this conversation could be going will do either of us any good , so , " His hands took ahold of your upper arms and guided you to turn around , maybe even look at him if you dare . " Run with me . The spirits want some kind of a show . " says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - she didn 't realize she had truly hit on a few of the valid points until you spoke even your metaphysical beast was pushing her back . With the force the strength your words . She leaned into you and rested her head against your own , even allowed your arms to wrap about her form like that of a protection from her own self in the moment . She listened so carefully and smiled a bit hearing those words that fell from your lips . When you finally stopped for a moment and you lead her to turn around and face you she looked up to you with those soft embers . " Nick I don 't need reasons , or whys to what or how things are . I simply need you . I don 't lie to you ; I don 't expect you to lie to me . I have James at the moment because I never saw a you and I . You are my best friend , my truest and most sacred person in this world and I would follow you to hell if it meant keeping your ass alive . I know you are not one to be tied , to be held , you like your freedom , your chances , your choice to do as you please . James is much the same and believes in the whole open relationship stance . Something he learned from you . So I being with him is just a bonus to getting certain needs I have filled . It does not mean by any means he is filling the void in my life . That will never be filled but by you when it comes to what we share . " She said watching you when you spoke of running she would like that and nodded her head softly . " A run will do some good , perhaps I will even beat you this time " she teased softly . He didn 't know much of your arrangement with James but here you were going from not being 100 % about him , to being in an ' open ' relationship . It begged caution , but then so could you regarding anything to do with him . What was he thinking ? You and he . It 'd been the topic on the cards for the last little while and yet how it had gotten there escaped him for a moment . It seemed to arrive almost as soon as he 'd asked you if you 'd been ignoring him . So no , you hadn 't . But you didn 't know how to broach the topic of you and James even though you knew ( I mean , you had to know ) that he would find out about it ? His head buzzed with thoughts and with those pesky spirits swirling and mocking them both , and your wolf and his had gotten tangled up in proximity and it was a fucking good feeling . So let 's just leave it at that . Don 't pick . Don 't stir , don 't look too close . Just smile and enjoy the pretty lady and her mouth . I mean , her eyes . I mean , company . Yes , company , and her scent . He withdrew hands from your cheek , earlier words of yours coming back to him ( ' … we simply never gave into what our natural instinct is to do ' ) . Hm . Suddenly the thought of you and he getting undressed in such close proximity didn 't seem like the safest or wisest of options . He bit down on the corner of his bottom lip and let a broad , arrogant smile slowly spread over his features , and he reached to the hem of his shirt , and tugged upwards , pulling it up over his head . " Yeah , " he mused , tossing it to one side and reaching for his belt . " Good luck with that . "
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JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . says to Everyone : The full moon had come and gone and for once , it had been without incident . The pack house had welcomed in most of its brood and the forest had been alive with the energy of the pack , but now most of them were gone . I say most , however , more had stuck around than would usually . It had taken Nick by surprise , but then it was easy to forget that for some of the wolves in the Pack - regardless of a lack of presence around the house except for that mandatory visit every moon , and regardless of a social circle than involved work mates or whatever - for some of them , the pack was their only family . They may not always have wanted them , they may not always appreciate them , but it was Easter , and like they had done over Christmas and thanksgiving , there were a few faces that stuck around for longer than they technically had to . Which made the place feel more alive than it usually did . Nick , for one , appreciated that . He had wandered the house some , before stepping outside into the forest , now that night had fallen and the new moon was peeking out from behind clouds . It was all to easy to remember the ones that weren 't here , when there were others that were . He tried to keeps his thoughts on the positive side of things , but the spirits were close , as they had been so often recently , and they liked memories , as though they were a currency with them . Mirela had visited , before the moon , and had said something of that sort . She was a strange fish , that one , but she enjoyed being connected to the pack here now that she had made Orlando her home . Despite her lineage , Nick couldn 't see any harm in her . If he didn 't , few others would . Mitch couldn 't recall the last time the pack had a vargamor in their number , so although she was yet to officially fill that capacity , the notion has been floated for consideration . He walked , his feet bare , his senses attuned , but even so , his hands shoved into his pockets . The quiet was pleasant . There were too many times recently that his world had seemed far , far too noisy . says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - Silence filled the nightly air , the shifting was nice , the family was back on the mends and it was one of those times where Syd enjoyed being home more than out . James had gone to play some pool with some of the boys while the blonde decided to stay at the house and mingle . Grabbing up a beer from the fridge she popped the top and headed out back . She felt him , his presences , his wolf , his being and she froze the moment she hit the back yard . Her eyes fell to the ground as she had sorta avoided him and Declan the past few weeks . Trying to figure out if things were set to the marker of her own mind but avoidance among them would never last . Sucking at the long neck bottle in hand she followed Nick 's scent into the woods . Her emerald hues flashing with gold flakes as she moved with silence . The soft squish of the earth beneath her feet sank between her toes . The silence of the forest heighten her hearing , all her senses were on alert , heading deeper into where it was sacred for them . Leaning against a trunk of a tree she closed her eyes to just listen to feel the call of the ancestors as they pushed the memory of the dead around sent the chills of the evening to crawl along her skin . It was warm yet a breeze danced through the trees and she let out a low sigh . Her mind thinking over the past and how they all got to this point . A smile placid upon her velvet lips . she was happy for once , truly at peace with all around and even loved being home again . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : You were never really alone in the forest . The pack had a large enough area of land , and enough of them living there that at any one point there was bound to be another of them out there somewhere , whether you knew it or not . That was before you took into account the various other animals that lived out there . The insects and birds paid little attention , but the other wildlife sensed Nick coming and gave him a wide berth , despite his human form . He wasn 't being overly careful with his scent or the reach of his presence . Let them all know he was here . It was a relief to do it . The whispers of the munin spirits grew louder - not that you could focus on a particular direction for any of them , they were just there - the closer he got to the Lupanar . It wasn 't his set destination but the way he walked always seemed to coincide with that place . Perhaps because the opposite direction when leaving the house led towards the old wooder 's huts , and the memories he associated with that place were unsavoury . He tried to clear his mind , leave thoughts of those things behind , and cast away thoughts of the club , of Tyler / Ryan et al , thoughts of his cabin or of Neala , but it was hard to clear your mind , truly . There was always something , desperate to fill the space left by some other thing . His steps faltered and he turned his head . He was being followed . On instinct , his shields closed around his beast and those whispers died abruptly , leaving only the sounds of the forest at night . He ducked right and stayed downwind and he circled around . By the time he reached you , you had , in fact , stopped , and were resting against a tree trunk . He approached without a sound , after a teensy - weensy deliberation about whether or not to disturb you , and , from behind the tree , wrapped his arms around it and covered your eyes with his hands . says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - Her heart beat was steady , not low or over active , simply strong and steady and she was calm . She didn 't necessarily follow you not in the sense of stalking , simply liked your idea of just walking being in the place that seemed to calm the soul . Her beast was relaxed and sated , when you had threw up your shields she had looked around for the danger she was sure to follow her body tensed her metaphysical beast was on guard . With no sounds coming her way she continued to lean upon the trunk closing her embers once more to allow for the forest to fill her sense . To see it through her beast 's eyes . Though the darkness poured in when your hands covered her eyes and she sniffed , a low whimper escaped her lips she knew by the beating of your heart , the makeup of who you were and the feel of those hands upon her eyes it was you . Her heart had started to pick up pace , fingers brush over your own as she brushed the knuckles of your hands . " You know for a man of Surprises you fail in the approach of being recognized " She teased softly . She held herself bound to the tree a few moments unsure of what intentions either of them had and with a soft parting giggle and knowing your hands weren 't tight upon her face . She wiggled her way free before feet fell upon the earth and she took off in a run , nothing fast or she was afraid , simply took to the woods surrounding them . " You coming " She called over her shoulder feeling the freedom that made her feel alive . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : So he was a man of surprises ? You probably would 've liked to have seen his face when you uttered that one , but , unfortunately for you , your eyes were covered at that point . He released his shields then letting that familiar presence just spread it 's warmth and power around the area we were in , not particularly targeting you , but you and he had physical contact , it would be difficult to avoid , so why try ? " Who said I didn 't want to be recognised ? " He laughed gently as you pulled away , and he lowered his arms and rounded the tree . " Just checking how aware you are of your surroundings . " Perhaps making sure that all that James had been teaching you wasn 't being forgotten now that James was doing more than just teaching you . Off you ran , and it wasn 't the kind of escaping dash that would trigger that CHASE instinct , but it pulled at him anyway . Maybe you had been following him , maybe you hadn 't , but he 'd become aware of you and sought out your company , and here you were abandoning him . Can 't be having that . " Already there , " he muttered to the wind , and his feet were carrying him forward , drawn to action , and he was ducking and weaving through the trees to draw up next to you . His shields down , those whispers were there again , a flurry of noise and excitement now that the two wolves were running amongst them . He didn 't question if you were aware of them , just accepted it as a thing . " Anywhere in particular ? " He smirked , offering you lead in this little jog of ours , even as he rounded a large fallen tree , navigating this territory of ours with ease . He wondered if you 'd venture to the lupanar , in the same way that it always pulled at him . It was true that he had found you there before . says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - She had heard your words and the laugh that peeled over her flesh like that of a soft trail of butterfly kisses . She had been very aware of what was around her and she fed off your wolf , when your shields went into place she waited , counted and even could sense you peeling back towards her , she even gave in to the whispers , the calls , the voices of the lupanar as it reached out to her . She was learning so much and felt the joy of the moments lately . Looking back when she had took of she felt you close to her when you caught up and they were headed to the Lupanar it always called to her , spoke to her , pulled her in the warmth of its embrace and welcomed her being . Stopping when you asked anywhere in particular she smiled and took your hand as they headed deeper into the woods . The other creatures gave them more room then was needed and she began to walk with ease once they reached the place . The luminance of light between scattered branches gave way to the beauty that was held here . Her heart was beating and with your shields dropped she felt herself bath in the comfort of you once more . Turning she looked to you , those soft emeralds falling on your features she tilts her head and speaking once more . " I am aware of the settings about us , I am aware of everything that binds us and it is in this spot that makes the bad of the world fade and all of us become one . They speak to me Nick , do they ever call to you ? " She asked curiously standing there squishing her toes in to the earth and feeling the magic shift through her form says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : The lupanar it was , and his smile broadened on his lips as you took his hand and led him through the trees into the natural clearing , where the large crescent rock formation nestled amongst the treeline at one edge of the clearing had become the focal point for that gathering of munin . The spirits of their fallen pack mates . For how long this had been where there bodies had been brought , had been committed to pack memory , he didn 't know . Many of the spirits here were wolves he would never ever have known , that predated his time here - and that of most of the wolves currently in residence . There were some , though , too many , that he had known . To say ' Rest in Peace ' seemed out of place , because here they were : anything but peaceful . You waxed poetic as you spoke , and it warmed him . You had that way about you sometimes . Call it a quirk of character . To those that didn 't know you it wouldn 't fit what they thought of you , but he knew you , had seen this side of your nature . " They rarely shut up , " he murmured quietly . " used to be , it bothered me . Either it stopped creeping me out , or I got used to it . I don 't know which . " So it wasn 't just him then , that 's good . Not all of the wolves could sense them , or at least , sense them for what they were - beyond a mere breeze of energy . He turned his attention on you , and he faced you , lifting his hand - with yours attached - to chest height . " So you 're not ignoring me ? " He didn 't want to talk work . Perhaps that was inescapable . But this was hardly just a work thing , was it ? says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - She had closed her eyes and tilted her head into the moment , feeling the soft breeze upon her flesh as it raked along her skin and rose the bumps . She was taking in those of fallen pack , those of past and present those she knew and didn 't and in it she had learned so much , craved their knowledge and protection . Once she had longed stop fighting and learn to listen she realized the sanctity of their home and people . Learned that without this place and without the pack she had nothing would simply be a being who was trying to survive in a world where chaos and hatred was stronger than love and memories . Opening her embers she looked to you a moment as you gave her a murmured response and she chuckled softly . The honey tone filled the air about them . Shaking those long blonde locks from her face as she seemed to truly relax around you she gave more and more of her docile nature , the curious chic who had a softer side to the bitch she showed to all . She was simply a harden shell keeping those away she didn 't want close , kept herself from being crushed when it truly matter . " I at first didn 't understand it , them , or what they wanted but being here , learning from you and the rest , and what I feel inside of me I learned to listen to let them in and accept their blessings and teachings . " She said softly before feeling you turn and face her , lifting her hand up to your chest height . She watched you a few moments , eyes locked on your own as the question was presented and a small red tint touched her cheeks . " I was at first , then I wasn 't our schedules had not matched up Nick . " She felt her heart speed up , her hand in yours and she saw the look in your eyes , felt the comfort , and draw of your power against her own like that when they had shared the couch during a movie a while back . It was the feel she always felt around you , one she always tried to ignore and leave it at the door but it was you and she knew fighting would always be a battle she would slowly lose . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : Despite the noise , the whispers that came in waves that grew quiet then would build and crash against those who cared to listen , there was a peace to be had - not just from being here in this sacred place , but being with you . If he tried , he could think of a number of reasons for that , but the easiest was that he had no secrets from you . At times , that could be detrimental , but at other times - times like this - it was a boon . You weren 't just aware of his part to play at Carmine , you were involved . You weren 't just aware of all the crap that had gone down there in the past , and all that had gone on here at the house . You had been there , you had fought . You had been at his side . It allowed for a certain amount of shorthand , a certain … ability to skip past the bullshit . " That 's a terrible excuse . If there 's something you have to say to me or ask of me , you have my number . You know where I live . You know you can come to me or call on me . " He meant that , knew you knew he meant it . He lifted his eyes , glanced about , trying to get a fix on those spirits . There were interested in all of this of course , in these two wolves that had come to their realm , gave them something to excite themselves about . Their energy was rich with potential . " But , " he began , slowly returning his eyes to you . " I also get the distinct impression it 's more that you expect me to have something to say to you . Look , Syd , if it 's about James … " - She shifted a bit not realizing she had stepped closer to you and your form and it was nice and easy that they never kept secrets , she knew of the past , had fought with you , knew of what and who you did . She even knew of things that came and went and most of it you always shared with her in some way or another . It was something she never gave much thought and with them standing in this place , upon sacred ground she had tilted her head as your eyes scanned our over the top of her . Closing her embers she embraced the magic and let the thoughts guide her in what embrace it shared and with it came a simple knowledge that you and her were linked and bound not by blood , or truly packed , but by a friendship so deep that no matter what happened she would always have your back . It was you who had hers when no one else ever did and she had never forgotten it and her loyalty was yours to the end . Listening to your words as you spoke she lifted a slender shoulder before it dropped and she opened the rich greens and spoke softly . " I know Nick and I was wrong for trying to avoid you , I just didn 't know what to honestly say to you about me and James . . I am still not 100 % sure of him , he is great . . but Honestly there are things I am afraid will always hold me back . Things I tell myself repeatedly are not going to happen and are not something I should hope for and yet … " she paused a moment . " I just can 't " turning her eyes towards the heavens she spoke in a lower whispered tone you heard clearly . " And I know your wolf belongs to another " she said biting at her lower lip . It would never change her feelings even if she fought them . They were the same . She simply had to ignore them if she were to make the best of it . Allow you your freedoms , your choices , and even allow you your space . She knew you far to well to ever demand anything of you and she could live with that . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : You had a smile on his lips , at least . " We work and live together ; Avoiding me was never going to work , not for very long . " Yes , yes , I know . He technically lived elsewhere , but that 's besides the point , and not extremely relevant . He 'd been staying here more , recently , in the house or in the forest , and a couple of times he 'd stayed at Carmine . The cabin - except for that night Captain Giles had needed to drink himself into a stupor - had been all but empty . It wasn 't the same , and that , whilst being his fault , was a damn shame . But good . Positive , if he allowed himself to look at it that way . " And being 100 % sure of anybody is … a lot harder than it sounds , and it doesn 't sound simple . " He was trying to help . God knows why . When he heard you 'd gotten involved with James he 'd blinked more times than was necessary . Had thought that was never on the cards , but there is was . But , he guessed , before he and James had their fight , before the night where it seemed everyone settled their scores and challenges were made and met - including yours with Sam - it hadn 't been possible , perhaps . Nick knew where your loyalties lay when it came to that difference of opinions James and he had . Since then , James had quietened . As Hati - he still had authority , albeit a demotion of sorts , but he respected that , respected Mitch 's decision and the way the chips had fallen . There had been no further tousles . Not yet , anyway . It was easy to see what could have happened . Declan had paid the price of throwing his weight around , and the rules out of the window . Nick didn 't particularly understand what those things were that were holding you back , but if you were unsure about James , no - one was going to rush you , and - despite what others may think - he wasn 't about to try and talk you out of it . Just support you . Have moments like this . " My wolf , " he cleared his throat , " thinks it knows what it wants . It can sod off , if you ask me . There 's trouble and there 's trouble … " he exhaled , that beast in him stirring , getting that sense it was being defied in some way and giving off a ripple of a growl - nothing aloud - simply a reverberation of presence . " … What 's that got to do with it ? " Her own moving to console it to calm it from the riled fur of its neck . Pulling your hand up to her cheek she brush your knuckles of her face gently before kissing the back of your hand and speaking . " I know we work together , live together . We are practically always around one another Nick , it changes nothing but solves everything . It is harder than it sounds but for me I cant let certain things go that I feel . Your wolf wants another . . It simply settles for the comfort but it riles for another being and I have felt it . Everyone has when you are around that being . . Have you ever asked yourself why we have never made it to the bedroom ? Why we simply never gave into what our natural instinct is to do ? " She asked tilting her head when she looked up and continued to hold your hand . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : " It solves everything ? " He chuckled , but didn 't let that deter you from speaking the rest of your words . He wondered what you meant by that , what it solved - that you were always around each other . You went on to speak about his wolf as if this was something that you had noticed , but beyond that , that others had noticed . The smile faded , brows tugging towards each other as he frowned . Were the wants ( and needs ? ) of his wolf so transparent ? That thought bothered him . Was a timely reminder of why he and Neala needed to carry on keeping each other 's way , though . This connection of theirs that had managed to form didn 't seem to bother her as much as it once had . Ah , the good old days . " The wolf doesn 't always get what it wants , " he stated , and it was more blustery , more raw than he wanted it to be . He softened his tone , and lowered that hand of his ( and yours ) down between us . His eyes followed as he pieced together his thoughts . " The benefit of being what we are , is that we have this animal nature , and at times it 's so pure and in tune with its surroundings and desires , it can guide us if we let it , and that 's an amazing thing … " his fingers released yours , slipping from your grip too , though tracing down along the back of your hand and along your forearm , the barest of touches from calloused fingertips . " But that 's not all we are . We can think and feel in a way that they can 't , because as much as we , as I 'd love for life so be as simple as they see it , it just isn 't . There is so much more at play here than they would ever want or be able to understand . It 's a balance , " he nodded , as if to cement his point . " And it 's me that 's right this time . Not the wolf . " He 'd traced along your entire arm , then skipped your neck ( i . e . the good part ) to place a large warm hand against your cheek , his gaze having lifted to fix upon your eyes now , a steady , intense , yet calm gaze . " You know , I always thought that if I allowed myself to get closer to you than … than we are now , have been , I risked losing Sam . " He still didn 't know how right he was about that . " Not that that matters now . " This was his way of answering what you had asked of him . " Have you ? " says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - Making a face with you said it solves everything ? She heard the chuckle that fell from your lips , she groaned a bit thinking you weren 't getting what she was meaning . Watching you as you stated your point she blinked a few moments trying to understand the bite in your words before you had lowered their hand back between them . Listening to your words she tilted her head as it seemed sometimes the beast was smarter than its counterpart and in certain times like this one yours was a bit on the more know how then the complications of what life entailed . She wouldn 't say it out loud as her fingers were released and her hand fell to her side , she simply closed her eyes tot eh skitter of kisses along her heated flesh , along her forearm in a dance of like touches and she shivered not to the breeze that licked through the forest and pressed upon their above normal body temps but to the touch , the shiver , the chill that you sent and how close you were In that moment . The feel of the pull from this place . Swallowing a lump that had formed in her throat the husk in her tone and she bullshit reason of losing Sam was why you and her had never gone to bed in the since of sex had certainly caught her attention as her eyes opened and she looked into your hues . The reflection of green followed and she shook her head . " Bullshit . . Nick . . It solves everything that we are in each other 's lives . . That we work together , live together . . That we are as close as many wished to be . We don 't hold secrets from one another and this is why it solves many things that would be normal trouble for those who couldn 't see it or acknowledge what we know and share . As for you risking losing Sam is bullshit . . You were with Carmen , Cerise , Sam , and who ever else . . so No you would lose Sam to others before you would have to me unless others were not a threat and I am missing the point here ? " She said as she lowered her head a moment biting on her lower lip not truly wishing to answer that question when it was aimed back at her . She turned from you , not in the means of turning her back but simply she didn 't want you to see her expression or the hue that would rise to great extent when she spoke . Hell even having you standing so close behind her , all she had to do was lean back and she would feel you . Touch you … . " Nick I have thought about it " she started off and her voice dropped a bit . . " But to go there would mean to touch uncharted waters that could be more damaging then good . On the flip side going there could prove many things to both of us . But an act I had never touched upon . " She had fallen silent while her orbs closed once more and she felt it , the beat of her heart as it sped up and she felt herself fight against that in which she knew was holding her back … You scared her and not in the monstrous ways like many would take you for . She had seen you had your best and worst , had woken beside you after a rogue killing , had stood beside you through many dangers and fights . Had taken up a cause that was yours that you believed in and never questioned you once , though with this she could never tell you the damage you could cause her and how you could destroy her . You were her Strength and weakness at the same time . The further comments though , about Sam and the others … were a bit too close to the mark , a mark that was freshly made and still smarting , and even the wolf in him reacted to that , seeing eye - to - eye with him - on that at least - as it rankled and stirred to skulk around you . " No , you 're right on point , " his voice darkened . It wasn 't a warning , he was just … It 's complicated , and the spirits whipping around the two of you were not helping the situation any . " but it isn 't Bullshit . It 's shit . I 'll give you that , but then I 've muddied things with Sam , did that the day we crossed between mentor and lover . So you see I had my own cause for concern when you and James did the same . " He wanted to go on , but didn 't know how to explain to you how Sam had always been a part of his life here in Orlando , had been a touchstone . Over the years he could gauge his right decisions and his wrong ones from the way she reacted to him after them . Yes he 'd muddied it … but he didn 't regret the last couple of years . He just … had to hope that losing her as a lover wouldn 't mean losing her from his life . Which is what he was trying to suggest could have happened had he gotten involved with you … . and when he thought it through like that … You know , maybe it was bullshit , but he wasn 't about to share that revelation with you . You turned and for a moment he thought you were pulling away , were leaving , and it fucking lurched at his innards , brought him right back to the now and had his beast circling you , pressing you back to him . Y ' see , unreliable these beasts and their fickle ways . " My reasoning may not be sound , Syd , " he sighed , " but … no - one 's proposing that we go there . At least , I don 't think they are ? " He tried to add a smile to his tone there , and he stepped close - right up so that your back pressed against his chest , and he wrapped his arms slowly around you ( if you 'd let him ) , lay his forehead against the back of yours , the scent of you and your hair filling his nostrils . " You have James . I have … shit to figure out . I don 't see that thinking about other ways this conversation could be going will do either of us any good , so , " His hands took ahold of your upper arms and guided you to turn around , maybe even look at him if you dare . " Run with me . The spirits want some kind of a show . " says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - she didn 't realize she had truly hit on a few of the valid points until you spoke even your metaphysical beast was pushing her back . With the force the strength your words . She leaned into you and rested her head against your own , even allowed your arms to wrap about her form like that of a protection from her own self in the moment . She listened so carefully and smiled a bit hearing those words that fell from your lips . When you finally stopped for a moment and you lead her to turn around and face you she looked up to you with those soft embers . " Nick I don 't need reasons , or whys to what or how things are . I simply need you . I don 't lie to you ; I don 't expect you to lie to me . I have James at the moment because I never saw a you and I . You are my best friend , my truest and most sacred person in this world and I would follow you to hell if it meant keeping your ass alive . I know you are not one to be tied , to be held , you like your freedom , your chances , your choice to do as you please . James is much the same and believes in the whole open relationship stance . Something he learned from you . So I being with him is just a bonus to getting certain needs I have filled . It does not mean by any means he is filling the void in my life . That will never be filled but by you when it comes to what we share . " She said watching you when you spoke of running she would like that and nodded her head softly . " A run will do some good , perhaps I will even beat you this time " she teased softly . He didn 't know much of your arrangement with James but here you were going from not being 100 % about him , to being in an ' open ' relationship . It begged caution , but then so could you regarding anything to do with him . What was he thinking ? You and he . It 'd been the topic on the cards for the last little while and yet how it had gotten there escaped him for a moment . It seemed to arrive almost as soon as he 'd asked you if you 'd been ignoring him . So no , you hadn 't . But you didn 't know how to broach the topic of you and James even though you knew ( I mean , you had to know ) that he would find out about it ? His head buzzed with thoughts and with those pesky spirits swirling and mocking them both , and your wolf and his had gotten tangled up in proximity and it was a fucking good feeling . So let 's just leave it at that . Don 't pick . Don 't stir , don 't look too close . Just smile and enjoy the pretty lady and her mouth . I mean , her eyes . I mean , company . Yes , company , and her scent . He withdrew hands from your cheek , earlier words of yours coming back to him ( ' … we simply never gave into what our natural instinct is to do ' ) . Hm . Suddenly the thought of you and he getting undressed in such close proximity didn 't seem like the safest or wisest of options . He bit down on the corner of his bottom lip and let a broad , arrogant smile slowly spread over his features , and he reached to the hem of his shirt , and tugged upwards , pulling it up over his head . " Yeah , " he mused , tossing it to one side and reaching for his belt . " Good luck with that . "
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JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . says to Everyone : The full moon had come and gone and for once , it had been without incident . The pack house had welcomed in most of its brood and the forest had been alive with the energy of the pack , but now most of them were gone . I say most , however , more had stuck around than would usually . It had taken Nick by surprise , but then it was easy to forget that for some of the wolves in the Pack - regardless of a lack of presence around the house except for that mandatory visit every moon , and regardless of a social circle than involved work mates or whatever - for some of them , the pack was their only family . They may not always have wanted them , they may not always appreciate them , but it was Easter , and like they had done over Christmas and thanksgiving , there were a few faces that stuck around for longer than they technically had to . Which made the place feel more alive than it usually did . Nick , for one , appreciated that . He had wandered the house some , before stepping outside into the forest , now that night had fallen and the new moon was peeking out from behind clouds . It was all to easy to remember the ones that weren 't here , when there were others that were . He tried to keeps his thoughts on the positive side of things , but the spirits were close , as they had been so often recently , and they liked memories , as though they were a currency with them . Mirela had visited , before the moon , and had said something of that sort . She was a strange fish , that one , but she enjoyed being connected to the pack here now that she had made Orlando her home . Despite her lineage , Nick couldn 't see any harm in her . If he didn 't , few others would . Mitch couldn 't recall the last time the pack had a vargamor in their number , so although she was yet to officially fill that capacity , the notion has been floated for consideration . He walked , his feet bare , his senses attuned , but even so , his hands shoved into his pockets . The quiet was pleasant . There were too many times recently that his world had seemed far , far too noisy . says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - Silence filled the nightly air , the shifting was nice , the family was back on the mends and it was one of those times where Syd enjoyed being home more than out . James had gone to play some pool with some of the boys while the blonde decided to stay at the house and mingle . Grabbing up a beer from the fridge she popped the top and headed out back . She felt him , his presences , his wolf , his being and she froze the moment she hit the back yard . Her eyes fell to the ground as she had sorta avoided him and Declan the past few weeks . Trying to figure out if things were set to the marker of her own mind but avoidance among them would never last . Sucking at the long neck bottle in hand she followed Nick 's scent into the woods . Her emerald hues flashing with gold flakes as she moved with silence . The soft squish of the earth beneath her feet sank between her toes . The silence of the forest heighten her hearing , all her senses were on alert , heading deeper into where it was sacred for them . Leaning against a trunk of a tree she closed her eyes to just listen to feel the call of the ancestors as they pushed the memory of the dead around sent the chills of the evening to crawl along her skin . It was warm yet a breeze danced through the trees and she let out a low sigh . Her mind thinking over the past and how they all got to this point . A smile placid upon her velvet lips . she was happy for once , truly at peace with all around and even loved being home again . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : You were never really alone in the forest . The pack had a large enough area of land , and enough of them living there that at any one point there was bound to be another of them out there somewhere , whether you knew it or not . That was before you took into account the various other animals that lived out there . The insects and birds paid little attention , but the other wildlife sensed Nick coming and gave him a wide berth , despite his human form . He wasn 't being overly careful with his scent or the reach of his presence . Let them all know he was here . It was a relief to do it . The whispers of the munin spirits grew louder - not that you could focus on a particular direction for any of them , they were just there - the closer he got to the Lupanar . It wasn 't his set destination but the way he walked always seemed to coincide with that place . Perhaps because the opposite direction when leaving the house led towards the old wooder 's huts , and the memories he associated with that place were unsavoury . He tried to clear his mind , leave thoughts of those things behind , and cast away thoughts of the club , of Tyler / Ryan et al , thoughts of his cabin or of Neala , but it was hard to clear your mind , truly . There was always something , desperate to fill the space left by some other thing . His steps faltered and he turned his head . He was being followed . On instinct , his shields closed around his beast and those whispers died abruptly , leaving only the sounds of the forest at night . He ducked right and stayed downwind and he circled around . By the time he reached you , you had , in fact , stopped , and were resting against a tree trunk . He approached without a sound , after a teensy - weensy deliberation about whether or not to disturb you , and , from behind the tree , wrapped his arms around it and covered your eyes with his hands . says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - Her heart beat was steady , not low or over active , simply strong and steady and she was calm . She didn 't necessarily follow you not in the sense of stalking , simply liked your idea of just walking being in the place that seemed to calm the soul . Her beast was relaxed and sated , when you had threw up your shields she had looked around for the danger she was sure to follow her body tensed her metaphysical beast was on guard . With no sounds coming her way she continued to lean upon the trunk closing her embers once more to allow for the forest to fill her sense . To see it through her beast 's eyes . Though the darkness poured in when your hands covered her eyes and she sniffed , a low whimper escaped her lips she knew by the beating of your heart , the makeup of who you were and the feel of those hands upon her eyes it was you . Her heart had started to pick up pace , fingers brush over your own as she brushed the knuckles of your hands . " You know for a man of Surprises you fail in the approach of being recognized " She teased softly . She held herself bound to the tree a few moments unsure of what intentions either of them had and with a soft parting giggle and knowing your hands weren 't tight upon her face . She wiggled her way free before feet fell upon the earth and she took off in a run , nothing fast or she was afraid , simply took to the woods surrounding them . " You coming " She called over her shoulder feeling the freedom that made her feel alive . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : So he was a man of surprises ? You probably would 've liked to have seen his face when you uttered that one , but , unfortunately for you , your eyes were covered at that point . He released his shields then letting that familiar presence just spread it 's warmth and power around the area we were in , not particularly targeting you , but you and he had physical contact , it would be difficult to avoid , so why try ? " Who said I didn 't want to be recognised ? " He laughed gently as you pulled away , and he lowered his arms and rounded the tree . " Just checking how aware you are of your surroundings . " Perhaps making sure that all that James had been teaching you wasn 't being forgotten now that James was doing more than just teaching you . Off you ran , and it wasn 't the kind of escaping dash that would trigger that CHASE instinct , but it pulled at him anyway . Maybe you had been following him , maybe you hadn 't , but he 'd become aware of you and sought out your company , and here you were abandoning him . Can 't be having that . " Already there , " he muttered to the wind , and his feet were carrying him forward , drawn to action , and he was ducking and weaving through the trees to draw up next to you . His shields down , those whispers were there again , a flurry of noise and excitement now that the two wolves were running amongst them . He didn 't question if you were aware of them , just accepted it as a thing . " Anywhere in particular ? " He smirked , offering you lead in this little jog of ours , even as he rounded a large fallen tree , navigating this territory of ours with ease . He wondered if you 'd venture to the lupanar , in the same way that it always pulled at him . It was true that he had found you there before . says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - She had heard your words and the laugh that peeled over her flesh like that of a soft trail of butterfly kisses . She had been very aware of what was around her and she fed off your wolf , when your shields went into place she waited , counted and even could sense you peeling back towards her , she even gave in to the whispers , the calls , the voices of the lupanar as it reached out to her . She was learning so much and felt the joy of the moments lately . Looking back when she had took of she felt you close to her when you caught up and they were headed to the Lupanar it always called to her , spoke to her , pulled her in the warmth of its embrace and welcomed her being . Stopping when you asked anywhere in particular she smiled and took your hand as they headed deeper into the woods . The other creatures gave them more room then was needed and she began to walk with ease once they reached the place . The luminance of light between scattered branches gave way to the beauty that was held here . Her heart was beating and with your shields dropped she felt herself bath in the comfort of you once more . Turning she looked to you , those soft emeralds falling on your features she tilts her head and speaking once more . " I am aware of the settings about us , I am aware of everything that binds us and it is in this spot that makes the bad of the world fade and all of us become one . They speak to me Nick , do they ever call to you ? " She asked curiously standing there squishing her toes in to the earth and feeling the magic shift through her form says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : The lupanar it was , and his smile broadened on his lips as you took his hand and led him through the trees into the natural clearing , where the large crescent rock formation nestled amongst the treeline at one edge of the clearing had become the focal point for that gathering of munin . The spirits of their fallen pack mates . For how long this had been where there bodies had been brought , had been committed to pack memory , he didn 't know . Many of the spirits here were wolves he would never ever have known , that predated his time here - and that of most of the wolves currently in residence . There were some , though , too many , that he had known . To say ' Rest in Peace ' seemed out of place , because here they were : anything but peaceful . You waxed poetic as you spoke , and it warmed him . You had that way about you sometimes . Call it a quirk of character . To those that didn 't know you it wouldn 't fit what they thought of you , but he knew you , had seen this side of your nature . " They rarely shut up , " he murmured quietly . " used to be , it bothered me . Either it stopped creeping me out , or I got used to it . I don 't know which . " So it wasn 't just him then , that 's good . Not all of the wolves could sense them , or at least , sense them for what they were - beyond a mere breeze of energy . He turned his attention on you , and he faced you , lifting his hand - with yours attached - to chest height . " So you 're not ignoring me ? " He didn 't want to talk work . Perhaps that was inescapable . But this was hardly just a work thing , was it ? says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - She had closed her eyes and tilted her head into the moment , feeling the soft breeze upon her flesh as it raked along her skin and rose the bumps . She was taking in those of fallen pack , those of past and present those she knew and didn 't and in it she had learned so much , craved their knowledge and protection . Once she had longed stop fighting and learn to listen she realized the sanctity of their home and people . Learned that without this place and without the pack she had nothing would simply be a being who was trying to survive in a world where chaos and hatred was stronger than love and memories . Opening her embers she looked to you a moment as you gave her a murmured response and she chuckled softly . The honey tone filled the air about them . Shaking those long blonde locks from her face as she seemed to truly relax around you she gave more and more of her docile nature , the curious chic who had a softer side to the bitch she showed to all . She was simply a harden shell keeping those away she didn 't want close , kept herself from being crushed when it truly matter . " I at first didn 't understand it , them , or what they wanted but being here , learning from you and the rest , and what I feel inside of me I learned to listen to let them in and accept their blessings and teachings . " She said softly before feeling you turn and face her , lifting her hand up to your chest height . She watched you a few moments , eyes locked on your own as the question was presented and a small red tint touched her cheeks . " I was at first , then I wasn 't our schedules had not matched up Nick . " She felt her heart speed up , her hand in yours and she saw the look in your eyes , felt the comfort , and draw of your power against her own like that when they had shared the couch during a movie a while back . It was the feel she always felt around you , one she always tried to ignore and leave it at the door but it was you and she knew fighting would always be a battle she would slowly lose . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : Despite the noise , the whispers that came in waves that grew quiet then would build and crash against those who cared to listen , there was a peace to be had - not just from being here in this sacred place , but being with you . If he tried , he could think of a number of reasons for that , but the easiest was that he had no secrets from you . At times , that could be detrimental , but at other times - times like this - it was a boon . You weren 't just aware of his part to play at Carmine , you were involved . You weren 't just aware of all the crap that had gone down there in the past , and all that had gone on here at the house . You had been there , you had fought . You had been at his side . It allowed for a certain amount of shorthand , a certain … ability to skip past the bullshit . " That 's a terrible excuse . If there 's something you have to say to me or ask of me , you have my number . You know where I live . You know you can come to me or call on me . " He meant that , knew you knew he meant it . He lifted his eyes , glanced about , trying to get a fix on those spirits . There were interested in all of this of course , in these two wolves that had come to their realm , gave them something to excite themselves about . Their energy was rich with potential . " But , " he began , slowly returning his eyes to you . " I also get the distinct impression it 's more that you expect me to have something to say to you . Look , Syd , if it 's about James … " - She shifted a bit not realizing she had stepped closer to you and your form and it was nice and easy that they never kept secrets , she knew of the past , had fought with you , knew of what and who you did . She even knew of things that came and went and most of it you always shared with her in some way or another . It was something she never gave much thought and with them standing in this place , upon sacred ground she had tilted her head as your eyes scanned our over the top of her . Closing her embers she embraced the magic and let the thoughts guide her in what embrace it shared and with it came a simple knowledge that you and her were linked and bound not by blood , or truly packed , but by a friendship so deep that no matter what happened she would always have your back . It was you who had hers when no one else ever did and she had never forgotten it and her loyalty was yours to the end . Listening to your words as you spoke she lifted a slender shoulder before it dropped and she opened the rich greens and spoke softly . " I know Nick and I was wrong for trying to avoid you , I just didn 't know what to honestly say to you about me and James . . I am still not 100 % sure of him , he is great . . but Honestly there are things I am afraid will always hold me back . Things I tell myself repeatedly are not going to happen and are not something I should hope for and yet … " she paused a moment . " I just can 't " turning her eyes towards the heavens she spoke in a lower whispered tone you heard clearly . " And I know your wolf belongs to another " she said biting at her lower lip . It would never change her feelings even if she fought them . They were the same . She simply had to ignore them if she were to make the best of it . Allow you your freedoms , your choices , and even allow you your space . She knew you far to well to ever demand anything of you and she could live with that . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : You had a smile on his lips , at least . " We work and live together ; Avoiding me was never going to work , not for very long . " Yes , yes , I know . He technically lived elsewhere , but that 's besides the point , and not extremely relevant . He 'd been staying here more , recently , in the house or in the forest , and a couple of times he 'd stayed at Carmine . The cabin - except for that night Captain Giles had needed to drink himself into a stupor - had been all but empty . It wasn 't the same , and that , whilst being his fault , was a damn shame . But good . Positive , if he allowed himself to look at it that way . " And being 100 % sure of anybody is … a lot harder than it sounds , and it doesn 't sound simple . " He was trying to help . God knows why . When he heard you 'd gotten involved with James he 'd blinked more times than was necessary . Had thought that was never on the cards , but there is was . But , he guessed , before he and James had their fight , before the night where it seemed everyone settled their scores and challenges were made and met - including yours with Sam - it hadn 't been possible , perhaps . Nick knew where your loyalties lay when it came to that difference of opinions James and he had . Since then , James had quietened . As Hati - he still had authority , albeit a demotion of sorts , but he respected that , respected Mitch 's decision and the way the chips had fallen . There had been no further tousles . Not yet , anyway . It was easy to see what could have happened . Declan had paid the price of throwing his weight around , and the rules out of the window . Nick didn 't particularly understand what those things were that were holding you back , but if you were unsure about James , no - one was going to rush you , and - despite what others may think - he wasn 't about to try and talk you out of it . Just support you . Have moments like this . " My wolf , " he cleared his throat , " thinks it knows what it wants . It can sod off , if you ask me . There 's trouble and there 's trouble … " he exhaled , that beast in him stirring , getting that sense it was being defied in some way and giving off a ripple of a growl - nothing aloud - simply a reverberation of presence . " … What 's that got to do with it ? " Her own moving to console it to calm it from the riled fur of its neck . Pulling your hand up to her cheek she brush your knuckles of her face gently before kissing the back of your hand and speaking . " I know we work together , live together . We are practically always around one another Nick , it changes nothing but solves everything . It is harder than it sounds but for me I cant let certain things go that I feel . Your wolf wants another . . It simply settles for the comfort but it riles for another being and I have felt it . Everyone has when you are around that being . . Have you ever asked yourself why we have never made it to the bedroom ? Why we simply never gave into what our natural instinct is to do ? " She asked tilting her head when she looked up and continued to hold your hand . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : " It solves everything ? " He chuckled , but didn 't let that deter you from speaking the rest of your words . He wondered what you meant by that , what it solved - that you were always around each other . You went on to speak about his wolf as if this was something that you had noticed , but beyond that , that others had noticed . The smile faded , brows tugging towards each other as he frowned . Were the wants ( and needs ? ) of his wolf so transparent ? That thought bothered him . Was a timely reminder of why he and Neala needed to carry on keeping each other 's way , though . This connection of theirs that had managed to form didn 't seem to bother her as much as it once had . Ah , the good old days . " The wolf doesn 't always get what it wants , " he stated , and it was more blustery , more raw than he wanted it to be . He softened his tone , and lowered that hand of his ( and yours ) down between us . His eyes followed as he pieced together his thoughts . " The benefit of being what we are , is that we have this animal nature , and at times it 's so pure and in tune with its surroundings and desires , it can guide us if we let it , and that 's an amazing thing … " his fingers released yours , slipping from your grip too , though tracing down along the back of your hand and along your forearm , the barest of touches from calloused fingertips . " But that 's not all we are . We can think and feel in a way that they can 't , because as much as we , as I 'd love for life so be as simple as they see it , it just isn 't . There is so much more at play here than they would ever want or be able to understand . It 's a balance , " he nodded , as if to cement his point . " And it 's me that 's right this time . Not the wolf . " He 'd traced along your entire arm , then skipped your neck ( i . e . the good part ) to place a large warm hand against your cheek , his gaze having lifted to fix upon your eyes now , a steady , intense , yet calm gaze . " You know , I always thought that if I allowed myself to get closer to you than … than we are now , have been , I risked losing Sam . " He still didn 't know how right he was about that . " Not that that matters now . " This was his way of answering what you had asked of him . " Have you ? " says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - Making a face with you said it solves everything ? She heard the chuckle that fell from your lips , she groaned a bit thinking you weren 't getting what she was meaning . Watching you as you stated your point she blinked a few moments trying to understand the bite in your words before you had lowered their hand back between them . Listening to your words she tilted her head as it seemed sometimes the beast was smarter than its counterpart and in certain times like this one yours was a bit on the more know how then the complications of what life entailed . She wouldn 't say it out loud as her fingers were released and her hand fell to her side , she simply closed her eyes tot eh skitter of kisses along her heated flesh , along her forearm in a dance of like touches and she shivered not to the breeze that licked through the forest and pressed upon their above normal body temps but to the touch , the shiver , the chill that you sent and how close you were In that moment . The feel of the pull from this place . Swallowing a lump that had formed in her throat the husk in her tone and she bullshit reason of losing Sam was why you and her had never gone to bed in the since of sex had certainly caught her attention as her eyes opened and she looked into your hues . The reflection of green followed and she shook her head . " Bullshit . . Nick . . It solves everything that we are in each other 's lives . . That we work together , live together . . That we are as close as many wished to be . We don 't hold secrets from one another and this is why it solves many things that would be normal trouble for those who couldn 't see it or acknowledge what we know and share . As for you risking losing Sam is bullshit . . You were with Carmen , Cerise , Sam , and who ever else . . so No you would lose Sam to others before you would have to me unless others were not a threat and I am missing the point here ? " She said as she lowered her head a moment biting on her lower lip not truly wishing to answer that question when it was aimed back at her . She turned from you , not in the means of turning her back but simply she didn 't want you to see her expression or the hue that would rise to great extent when she spoke . Hell even having you standing so close behind her , all she had to do was lean back and she would feel you . Touch you … . " Nick I have thought about it " she started off and her voice dropped a bit . . " But to go there would mean to touch uncharted waters that could be more damaging then good . On the flip side going there could prove many things to both of us . But an act I had never touched upon . " She had fallen silent while her orbs closed once more and she felt it , the beat of her heart as it sped up and she felt herself fight against that in which she knew was holding her back … You scared her and not in the monstrous ways like many would take you for . She had seen you had your best and worst , had woken beside you after a rogue killing , had stood beside you through many dangers and fights . Had taken up a cause that was yours that you believed in and never questioned you once , though with this she could never tell you the damage you could cause her and how you could destroy her . You were her Strength and weakness at the same time . The further comments though , about Sam and the others … were a bit too close to the mark , a mark that was freshly made and still smarting , and even the wolf in him reacted to that , seeing eye - to - eye with him - on that at least - as it rankled and stirred to skulk around you . " No , you 're right on point , " his voice darkened . It wasn 't a warning , he was just … It 's complicated , and the spirits whipping around the two of you were not helping the situation any . " but it isn 't Bullshit . It 's shit . I 'll give you that , but then I 've muddied things with Sam , did that the day we crossed between mentor and lover . So you see I had my own cause for concern when you and James did the same . " He wanted to go on , but didn 't know how to explain to you how Sam had always been a part of his life here in Orlando , had been a touchstone . Over the years he could gauge his right decisions and his wrong ones from the way she reacted to him after them . Yes he 'd muddied it … but he didn 't regret the last couple of years . He just … had to hope that losing her as a lover wouldn 't mean losing her from his life . Which is what he was trying to suggest could have happened had he gotten involved with you … . and when he thought it through like that … You know , maybe it was bullshit , but he wasn 't about to share that revelation with you . You turned and for a moment he thought you were pulling away , were leaving , and it fucking lurched at his innards , brought him right back to the now and had his beast circling you , pressing you back to him . Y ' see , unreliable these beasts and their fickle ways . " My reasoning may not be sound , Syd , " he sighed , " but … no - one 's proposing that we go there . At least , I don 't think they are ? " He tried to add a smile to his tone there , and he stepped close - right up so that your back pressed against his chest , and he wrapped his arms slowly around you ( if you 'd let him ) , lay his forehead against the back of yours , the scent of you and your hair filling his nostrils . " You have James . I have … shit to figure out . I don 't see that thinking about other ways this conversation could be going will do either of us any good , so , " His hands took ahold of your upper arms and guided you to turn around , maybe even look at him if you dare . " Run with me . The spirits want some kind of a show . " says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - she didn 't realize she had truly hit on a few of the valid points until you spoke even your metaphysical beast was pushing her back . With the force the strength your words . She leaned into you and rested her head against your own , even allowed your arms to wrap about her form like that of a protection from her own self in the moment . She listened so carefully and smiled a bit hearing those words that fell from your lips . When you finally stopped for a moment and you lead her to turn around and face you she looked up to you with those soft embers . " Nick I don 't need reasons , or whys to what or how things are . I simply need you . I don 't lie to you ; I don 't expect you to lie to me . I have James at the moment because I never saw a you and I . You are my best friend , my truest and most sacred person in this world and I would follow you to hell if it meant keeping your ass alive . I know you are not one to be tied , to be held , you like your freedom , your chances , your choice to do as you please . James is much the same and believes in the whole open relationship stance . Something he learned from you . So I being with him is just a bonus to getting certain needs I have filled . It does not mean by any means he is filling the void in my life . That will never be filled but by you when it comes to what we share . " She said watching you when you spoke of running she would like that and nodded her head softly . " A run will do some good , perhaps I will even beat you this time " she teased softly . He didn 't know much of your arrangement with James but here you were going from not being 100 % about him , to being in an ' open ' relationship . It begged caution , but then so could you regarding anything to do with him . What was he thinking ? You and he . It 'd been the topic on the cards for the last little while and yet how it had gotten there escaped him for a moment . It seemed to arrive almost as soon as he 'd asked you if you 'd been ignoring him . So no , you hadn 't . But you didn 't know how to broach the topic of you and James even though you knew ( I mean , you had to know ) that he would find out about it ? His head buzzed with thoughts and with those pesky spirits swirling and mocking them both , and your wolf and his had gotten tangled up in proximity and it was a fucking good feeling . So let 's just leave it at that . Don 't pick . Don 't stir , don 't look too close . Just smile and enjoy the pretty lady and her mouth . I mean , her eyes . I mean , company . Yes , company , and her scent . He withdrew hands from your cheek , earlier words of yours coming back to him ( ' … we simply never gave into what our natural instinct is to do ' ) . Hm . Suddenly the thought of you and he getting undressed in such close proximity didn 't seem like the safest or wisest of options . He bit down on the corner of his bottom lip and let a broad , arrogant smile slowly spread over his features , and he reached to the hem of his shirt , and tugged upwards , pulling it up over his head . " Yeah , " he mused , tossing it to one side and reaching for his belt . " Good luck with that . "
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JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . says to Everyone : The full moon had come and gone and for once , it had been without incident . The pack house had welcomed in most of its brood and the forest had been alive with the energy of the pack , but now most of them were gone . I say most , however , more had stuck around than would usually . It had taken Nick by surprise , but then it was easy to forget that for some of the wolves in the Pack - regardless of a lack of presence around the house except for that mandatory visit every moon , and regardless of a social circle than involved work mates or whatever - for some of them , the pack was their only family . They may not always have wanted them , they may not always appreciate them , but it was Easter , and like they had done over Christmas and thanksgiving , there were a few faces that stuck around for longer than they technically had to . Which made the place feel more alive than it usually did . Nick , for one , appreciated that . He had wandered the house some , before stepping outside into the forest , now that night had fallen and the new moon was peeking out from behind clouds . It was all to easy to remember the ones that weren 't here , when there were others that were . He tried to keeps his thoughts on the positive side of things , but the spirits were close , as they had been so often recently , and they liked memories , as though they were a currency with them . Mirela had visited , before the moon , and had said something of that sort . She was a strange fish , that one , but she enjoyed being connected to the pack here now that she had made Orlando her home . Despite her lineage , Nick couldn 't see any harm in her . If he didn 't , few others would . Mitch couldn 't recall the last time the pack had a vargamor in their number , so although she was yet to officially fill that capacity , the notion has been floated for consideration . He walked , his feet bare , his senses attuned , but even so , his hands shoved into his pockets . The quiet was pleasant . There were too many times recently that his world had seemed far , far too noisy . says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - Silence filled the nightly air , the shifting was nice , the family was back on the mends and it was one of those times where Syd enjoyed being home more than out . James had gone to play some pool with some of the boys while the blonde decided to stay at the house and mingle . Grabbing up a beer from the fridge she popped the top and headed out back . She felt him , his presences , his wolf , his being and she froze the moment she hit the back yard . Her eyes fell to the ground as she had sorta avoided him and Declan the past few weeks . Trying to figure out if things were set to the marker of her own mind but avoidance among them would never last . Sucking at the long neck bottle in hand she followed Nick 's scent into the woods . Her emerald hues flashing with gold flakes as she moved with silence . The soft squish of the earth beneath her feet sank between her toes . The silence of the forest heighten her hearing , all her senses were on alert , heading deeper into where it was sacred for them . Leaning against a trunk of a tree she closed her eyes to just listen to feel the call of the ancestors as they pushed the memory of the dead around sent the chills of the evening to crawl along her skin . It was warm yet a breeze danced through the trees and she let out a low sigh . Her mind thinking over the past and how they all got to this point . A smile placid upon her velvet lips . she was happy for once , truly at peace with all around and even loved being home again . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : You were never really alone in the forest . The pack had a large enough area of land , and enough of them living there that at any one point there was bound to be another of them out there somewhere , whether you knew it or not . That was before you took into account the various other animals that lived out there . The insects and birds paid little attention , but the other wildlife sensed Nick coming and gave him a wide berth , despite his human form . He wasn 't being overly careful with his scent or the reach of his presence . Let them all know he was here . It was a relief to do it . The whispers of the munin spirits grew louder - not that you could focus on a particular direction for any of them , they were just there - the closer he got to the Lupanar . It wasn 't his set destination but the way he walked always seemed to coincide with that place . Perhaps because the opposite direction when leaving the house led towards the old wooder 's huts , and the memories he associated with that place were unsavoury . He tried to clear his mind , leave thoughts of those things behind , and cast away thoughts of the club , of Tyler / Ryan et al , thoughts of his cabin or of Neala , but it was hard to clear your mind , truly . There was always something , desperate to fill the space left by some other thing . His steps faltered and he turned his head . He was being followed . On instinct , his shields closed around his beast and those whispers died abruptly , leaving only the sounds of the forest at night . He ducked right and stayed downwind and he circled around . By the time he reached you , you had , in fact , stopped , and were resting against a tree trunk . He approached without a sound , after a teensy - weensy deliberation about whether or not to disturb you , and , from behind the tree , wrapped his arms around it and covered your eyes with his hands . says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - Her heart beat was steady , not low or over active , simply strong and steady and she was calm . She didn 't necessarily follow you not in the sense of stalking , simply liked your idea of just walking being in the place that seemed to calm the soul . Her beast was relaxed and sated , when you had threw up your shields she had looked around for the danger she was sure to follow her body tensed her metaphysical beast was on guard . With no sounds coming her way she continued to lean upon the trunk closing her embers once more to allow for the forest to fill her sense . To see it through her beast 's eyes . Though the darkness poured in when your hands covered her eyes and she sniffed , a low whimper escaped her lips she knew by the beating of your heart , the makeup of who you were and the feel of those hands upon her eyes it was you . Her heart had started to pick up pace , fingers brush over your own as she brushed the knuckles of your hands . " You know for a man of Surprises you fail in the approach of being recognized " She teased softly . She held herself bound to the tree a few moments unsure of what intentions either of them had and with a soft parting giggle and knowing your hands weren 't tight upon her face . She wiggled her way free before feet fell upon the earth and she took off in a run , nothing fast or she was afraid , simply took to the woods surrounding them . " You coming " She called over her shoulder feeling the freedom that made her feel alive . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : So he was a man of surprises ? You probably would 've liked to have seen his face when you uttered that one , but , unfortunately for you , your eyes were covered at that point . He released his shields then letting that familiar presence just spread it 's warmth and power around the area we were in , not particularly targeting you , but you and he had physical contact , it would be difficult to avoid , so why try ? " Who said I didn 't want to be recognised ? " He laughed gently as you pulled away , and he lowered his arms and rounded the tree . " Just checking how aware you are of your surroundings . " Perhaps making sure that all that James had been teaching you wasn 't being forgotten now that James was doing more than just teaching you . Off you ran , and it wasn 't the kind of escaping dash that would trigger that CHASE instinct , but it pulled at him anyway . Maybe you had been following him , maybe you hadn 't , but he 'd become aware of you and sought out your company , and here you were abandoning him . Can 't be having that . " Already there , " he muttered to the wind , and his feet were carrying him forward , drawn to action , and he was ducking and weaving through the trees to draw up next to you . His shields down , those whispers were there again , a flurry of noise and excitement now that the two wolves were running amongst them . He didn 't question if you were aware of them , just accepted it as a thing . " Anywhere in particular ? " He smirked , offering you lead in this little jog of ours , even as he rounded a large fallen tree , navigating this territory of ours with ease . He wondered if you 'd venture to the lupanar , in the same way that it always pulled at him . It was true that he had found you there before . says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - She had heard your words and the laugh that peeled over her flesh like that of a soft trail of butterfly kisses . She had been very aware of what was around her and she fed off your wolf , when your shields went into place she waited , counted and even could sense you peeling back towards her , she even gave in to the whispers , the calls , the voices of the lupanar as it reached out to her . She was learning so much and felt the joy of the moments lately . Looking back when she had took of she felt you close to her when you caught up and they were headed to the Lupanar it always called to her , spoke to her , pulled her in the warmth of its embrace and welcomed her being . Stopping when you asked anywhere in particular she smiled and took your hand as they headed deeper into the woods . The other creatures gave them more room then was needed and she began to walk with ease once they reached the place . The luminance of light between scattered branches gave way to the beauty that was held here . Her heart was beating and with your shields dropped she felt herself bath in the comfort of you once more . Turning she looked to you , those soft emeralds falling on your features she tilts her head and speaking once more . " I am aware of the settings about us , I am aware of everything that binds us and it is in this spot that makes the bad of the world fade and all of us become one . They speak to me Nick , do they ever call to you ? " She asked curiously standing there squishing her toes in to the earth and feeling the magic shift through her form says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : The lupanar it was , and his smile broadened on his lips as you took his hand and led him through the trees into the natural clearing , where the large crescent rock formation nestled amongst the treeline at one edge of the clearing had become the focal point for that gathering of munin . The spirits of their fallen pack mates . For how long this had been where there bodies had been brought , had been committed to pack memory , he didn 't know . Many of the spirits here were wolves he would never ever have known , that predated his time here - and that of most of the wolves currently in residence . There were some , though , too many , that he had known . To say ' Rest in Peace ' seemed out of place , because here they were : anything but peaceful . You waxed poetic as you spoke , and it warmed him . You had that way about you sometimes . Call it a quirk of character . To those that didn 't know you it wouldn 't fit what they thought of you , but he knew you , had seen this side of your nature . " They rarely shut up , " he murmured quietly . " used to be , it bothered me . Either it stopped creeping me out , or I got used to it . I don 't know which . " So it wasn 't just him then , that 's good . Not all of the wolves could sense them , or at least , sense them for what they were - beyond a mere breeze of energy . He turned his attention on you , and he faced you , lifting his hand - with yours attached - to chest height . " So you 're not ignoring me ? " He didn 't want to talk work . Perhaps that was inescapable . But this was hardly just a work thing , was it ? says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - She had closed her eyes and tilted her head into the moment , feeling the soft breeze upon her flesh as it raked along her skin and rose the bumps . She was taking in those of fallen pack , those of past and present those she knew and didn 't and in it she had learned so much , craved their knowledge and protection . Once she had longed stop fighting and learn to listen she realized the sanctity of their home and people . Learned that without this place and without the pack she had nothing would simply be a being who was trying to survive in a world where chaos and hatred was stronger than love and memories . Opening her embers she looked to you a moment as you gave her a murmured response and she chuckled softly . The honey tone filled the air about them . Shaking those long blonde locks from her face as she seemed to truly relax around you she gave more and more of her docile nature , the curious chic who had a softer side to the bitch she showed to all . She was simply a harden shell keeping those away she didn 't want close , kept herself from being crushed when it truly matter . " I at first didn 't understand it , them , or what they wanted but being here , learning from you and the rest , and what I feel inside of me I learned to listen to let them in and accept their blessings and teachings . " She said softly before feeling you turn and face her , lifting her hand up to your chest height . She watched you a few moments , eyes locked on your own as the question was presented and a small red tint touched her cheeks . " I was at first , then I wasn 't our schedules had not matched up Nick . " She felt her heart speed up , her hand in yours and she saw the look in your eyes , felt the comfort , and draw of your power against her own like that when they had shared the couch during a movie a while back . It was the feel she always felt around you , one she always tried to ignore and leave it at the door but it was you and she knew fighting would always be a battle she would slowly lose . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : Despite the noise , the whispers that came in waves that grew quiet then would build and crash against those who cared to listen , there was a peace to be had - not just from being here in this sacred place , but being with you . If he tried , he could think of a number of reasons for that , but the easiest was that he had no secrets from you . At times , that could be detrimental , but at other times - times like this - it was a boon . You weren 't just aware of his part to play at Carmine , you were involved . You weren 't just aware of all the crap that had gone down there in the past , and all that had gone on here at the house . You had been there , you had fought . You had been at his side . It allowed for a certain amount of shorthand , a certain … ability to skip past the bullshit . " That 's a terrible excuse . If there 's something you have to say to me or ask of me , you have my number . You know where I live . You know you can come to me or call on me . " He meant that , knew you knew he meant it . He lifted his eyes , glanced about , trying to get a fix on those spirits . There were interested in all of this of course , in these two wolves that had come to their realm , gave them something to excite themselves about . Their energy was rich with potential . " But , " he began , slowly returning his eyes to you . " I also get the distinct impression it 's more that you expect me to have something to say to you . Look , Syd , if it 's about James … " - She shifted a bit not realizing she had stepped closer to you and your form and it was nice and easy that they never kept secrets , she knew of the past , had fought with you , knew of what and who you did . She even knew of things that came and went and most of it you always shared with her in some way or another . It was something she never gave much thought and with them standing in this place , upon sacred ground she had tilted her head as your eyes scanned our over the top of her . Closing her embers she embraced the magic and let the thoughts guide her in what embrace it shared and with it came a simple knowledge that you and her were linked and bound not by blood , or truly packed , but by a friendship so deep that no matter what happened she would always have your back . It was you who had hers when no one else ever did and she had never forgotten it and her loyalty was yours to the end . Listening to your words as you spoke she lifted a slender shoulder before it dropped and she opened the rich greens and spoke softly . " I know Nick and I was wrong for trying to avoid you , I just didn 't know what to honestly say to you about me and James . . I am still not 100 % sure of him , he is great . . but Honestly there are things I am afraid will always hold me back . Things I tell myself repeatedly are not going to happen and are not something I should hope for and yet … " she paused a moment . " I just can 't " turning her eyes towards the heavens she spoke in a lower whispered tone you heard clearly . " And I know your wolf belongs to another " she said biting at her lower lip . It would never change her feelings even if she fought them . They were the same . She simply had to ignore them if she were to make the best of it . Allow you your freedoms , your choices , and even allow you your space . She knew you far to well to ever demand anything of you and she could live with that . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : You had a smile on his lips , at least . " We work and live together ; Avoiding me was never going to work , not for very long . " Yes , yes , I know . He technically lived elsewhere , but that 's besides the point , and not extremely relevant . He 'd been staying here more , recently , in the house or in the forest , and a couple of times he 'd stayed at Carmine . The cabin - except for that night Captain Giles had needed to drink himself into a stupor - had been all but empty . It wasn 't the same , and that , whilst being his fault , was a damn shame . But good . Positive , if he allowed himself to look at it that way . " And being 100 % sure of anybody is … a lot harder than it sounds , and it doesn 't sound simple . " He was trying to help . God knows why . When he heard you 'd gotten involved with James he 'd blinked more times than was necessary . Had thought that was never on the cards , but there is was . But , he guessed , before he and James had their fight , before the night where it seemed everyone settled their scores and challenges were made and met - including yours with Sam - it hadn 't been possible , perhaps . Nick knew where your loyalties lay when it came to that difference of opinions James and he had . Since then , James had quietened . As Hati - he still had authority , albeit a demotion of sorts , but he respected that , respected Mitch 's decision and the way the chips had fallen . There had been no further tousles . Not yet , anyway . It was easy to see what could have happened . Declan had paid the price of throwing his weight around , and the rules out of the window . Nick didn 't particularly understand what those things were that were holding you back , but if you were unsure about James , no - one was going to rush you , and - despite what others may think - he wasn 't about to try and talk you out of it . Just support you . Have moments like this . " My wolf , " he cleared his throat , " thinks it knows what it wants . It can sod off , if you ask me . There 's trouble and there 's trouble … " he exhaled , that beast in him stirring , getting that sense it was being defied in some way and giving off a ripple of a growl - nothing aloud - simply a reverberation of presence . " … What 's that got to do with it ? " Her own moving to console it to calm it from the riled fur of its neck . Pulling your hand up to her cheek she brush your knuckles of her face gently before kissing the back of your hand and speaking . " I know we work together , live together . We are practically always around one another Nick , it changes nothing but solves everything . It is harder than it sounds but for me I cant let certain things go that I feel . Your wolf wants another . . It simply settles for the comfort but it riles for another being and I have felt it . Everyone has when you are around that being . . Have you ever asked yourself why we have never made it to the bedroom ? Why we simply never gave into what our natural instinct is to do ? " She asked tilting her head when she looked up and continued to hold your hand . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : " It solves everything ? " He chuckled , but didn 't let that deter you from speaking the rest of your words . He wondered what you meant by that , what it solved - that you were always around each other . You went on to speak about his wolf as if this was something that you had noticed , but beyond that , that others had noticed . The smile faded , brows tugging towards each other as he frowned . Were the wants ( and needs ? ) of his wolf so transparent ? That thought bothered him . Was a timely reminder of why he and Neala needed to carry on keeping each other 's way , though . This connection of theirs that had managed to form didn 't seem to bother her as much as it once had . Ah , the good old days . " The wolf doesn 't always get what it wants , " he stated , and it was more blustery , more raw than he wanted it to be . He softened his tone , and lowered that hand of his ( and yours ) down between us . His eyes followed as he pieced together his thoughts . " The benefit of being what we are , is that we have this animal nature , and at times it 's so pure and in tune with its surroundings and desires , it can guide us if we let it , and that 's an amazing thing … " his fingers released yours , slipping from your grip too , though tracing down along the back of your hand and along your forearm , the barest of touches from calloused fingertips . " But that 's not all we are . We can think and feel in a way that they can 't , because as much as we , as I 'd love for life so be as simple as they see it , it just isn 't . There is so much more at play here than they would ever want or be able to understand . It 's a balance , " he nodded , as if to cement his point . " And it 's me that 's right this time . Not the wolf . " He 'd traced along your entire arm , then skipped your neck ( i . e . the good part ) to place a large warm hand against your cheek , his gaze having lifted to fix upon your eyes now , a steady , intense , yet calm gaze . " You know , I always thought that if I allowed myself to get closer to you than … than we are now , have been , I risked losing Sam . " He still didn 't know how right he was about that . " Not that that matters now . " This was his way of answering what you had asked of him . " Have you ? " says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - Making a face with you said it solves everything ? She heard the chuckle that fell from your lips , she groaned a bit thinking you weren 't getting what she was meaning . Watching you as you stated your point she blinked a few moments trying to understand the bite in your words before you had lowered their hand back between them . Listening to your words she tilted her head as it seemed sometimes the beast was smarter than its counterpart and in certain times like this one yours was a bit on the more know how then the complications of what life entailed . She wouldn 't say it out loud as her fingers were released and her hand fell to her side , she simply closed her eyes tot eh skitter of kisses along her heated flesh , along her forearm in a dance of like touches and she shivered not to the breeze that licked through the forest and pressed upon their above normal body temps but to the touch , the shiver , the chill that you sent and how close you were In that moment . The feel of the pull from this place . Swallowing a lump that had formed in her throat the husk in her tone and she bullshit reason of losing Sam was why you and her had never gone to bed in the since of sex had certainly caught her attention as her eyes opened and she looked into your hues . The reflection of green followed and she shook her head . " Bullshit . . Nick . . It solves everything that we are in each other 's lives . . That we work together , live together . . That we are as close as many wished to be . We don 't hold secrets from one another and this is why it solves many things that would be normal trouble for those who couldn 't see it or acknowledge what we know and share . As for you risking losing Sam is bullshit . . You were with Carmen , Cerise , Sam , and who ever else . . so No you would lose Sam to others before you would have to me unless others were not a threat and I am missing the point here ? " She said as she lowered her head a moment biting on her lower lip not truly wishing to answer that question when it was aimed back at her . She turned from you , not in the means of turning her back but simply she didn 't want you to see her expression or the hue that would rise to great extent when she spoke . Hell even having you standing so close behind her , all she had to do was lean back and she would feel you . Touch you … . " Nick I have thought about it " she started off and her voice dropped a bit . . " But to go there would mean to touch uncharted waters that could be more damaging then good . On the flip side going there could prove many things to both of us . But an act I had never touched upon . " She had fallen silent while her orbs closed once more and she felt it , the beat of her heart as it sped up and she felt herself fight against that in which she knew was holding her back … You scared her and not in the monstrous ways like many would take you for . She had seen you had your best and worst , had woken beside you after a rogue killing , had stood beside you through many dangers and fights . Had taken up a cause that was yours that you believed in and never questioned you once , though with this she could never tell you the damage you could cause her and how you could destroy her . You were her Strength and weakness at the same time . The further comments though , about Sam and the others … were a bit too close to the mark , a mark that was freshly made and still smarting , and even the wolf in him reacted to that , seeing eye - to - eye with him - on that at least - as it rankled and stirred to skulk around you . " No , you 're right on point , " his voice darkened . It wasn 't a warning , he was just … It 's complicated , and the spirits whipping around the two of you were not helping the situation any . " but it isn 't Bullshit . It 's shit . I 'll give you that , but then I 've muddied things with Sam , did that the day we crossed between mentor and lover . So you see I had my own cause for concern when you and James did the same . " He wanted to go on , but didn 't know how to explain to you how Sam had always been a part of his life here in Orlando , had been a touchstone . Over the years he could gauge his right decisions and his wrong ones from the way she reacted to him after them . Yes he 'd muddied it … but he didn 't regret the last couple of years . He just … had to hope that losing her as a lover wouldn 't mean losing her from his life . Which is what he was trying to suggest could have happened had he gotten involved with you … . and when he thought it through like that … You know , maybe it was bullshit , but he wasn 't about to share that revelation with you . You turned and for a moment he thought you were pulling away , were leaving , and it fucking lurched at his innards , brought him right back to the now and had his beast circling you , pressing you back to him . Y ' see , unreliable these beasts and their fickle ways . " My reasoning may not be sound , Syd , " he sighed , " but … no - one 's proposing that we go there . At least , I don 't think they are ? " He tried to add a smile to his tone there , and he stepped close - right up so that your back pressed against his chest , and he wrapped his arms slowly around you ( if you 'd let him ) , lay his forehead against the back of yours , the scent of you and your hair filling his nostrils . " You have James . I have … shit to figure out . I don 't see that thinking about other ways this conversation could be going will do either of us any good , so , " His hands took ahold of your upper arms and guided you to turn around , maybe even look at him if you dare . " Run with me . The spirits want some kind of a show . " says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - she didn 't realize she had truly hit on a few of the valid points until you spoke even your metaphysical beast was pushing her back . With the force the strength your words . She leaned into you and rested her head against your own , even allowed your arms to wrap about her form like that of a protection from her own self in the moment . She listened so carefully and smiled a bit hearing those words that fell from your lips . When you finally stopped for a moment and you lead her to turn around and face you she looked up to you with those soft embers . " Nick I don 't need reasons , or whys to what or how things are . I simply need you . I don 't lie to you ; I don 't expect you to lie to me . I have James at the moment because I never saw a you and I . You are my best friend , my truest and most sacred person in this world and I would follow you to hell if it meant keeping your ass alive . I know you are not one to be tied , to be held , you like your freedom , your chances , your choice to do as you please . James is much the same and believes in the whole open relationship stance . Something he learned from you . So I being with him is just a bonus to getting certain needs I have filled . It does not mean by any means he is filling the void in my life . That will never be filled but by you when it comes to what we share . " She said watching you when you spoke of running she would like that and nodded her head softly . " A run will do some good , perhaps I will even beat you this time " she teased softly . He didn 't know much of your arrangement with James but here you were going from not being 100 % about him , to being in an ' open ' relationship . It begged caution , but then so could you regarding anything to do with him . What was he thinking ? You and he . It 'd been the topic on the cards for the last little while and yet how it had gotten there escaped him for a moment . It seemed to arrive almost as soon as he 'd asked you if you 'd been ignoring him . So no , you hadn 't . But you didn 't know how to broach the topic of you and James even though you knew ( I mean , you had to know ) that he would find out about it ? His head buzzed with thoughts and with those pesky spirits swirling and mocking them both , and your wolf and his had gotten tangled up in proximity and it was a fucking good feeling . So let 's just leave it at that . Don 't pick . Don 't stir , don 't look too close . Just smile and enjoy the pretty lady and her mouth . I mean , her eyes . I mean , company . Yes , company , and her scent . He withdrew hands from your cheek , earlier words of yours coming back to him ( ' … we simply never gave into what our natural instinct is to do ' ) . Hm . Suddenly the thought of you and he getting undressed in such close proximity didn 't seem like the safest or wisest of options . He bit down on the corner of his bottom lip and let a broad , arrogant smile slowly spread over his features , and he reached to the hem of his shirt , and tugged upwards , pulling it up over his head . " Yeah , " he mused , tossing it to one side and reaching for his belt . " Good luck with that . "
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JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . says to Everyone : The full moon had come and gone and for once , it had been without incident . The pack house had welcomed in most of its brood and the forest had been alive with the energy of the pack , but now most of them were gone . I say most , however , more had stuck around than would usually . It had taken Nick by surprise , but then it was easy to forget that for some of the wolves in the Pack - regardless of a lack of presence around the house except for that mandatory visit every moon , and regardless of a social circle than involved work mates or whatever - for some of them , the pack was their only family . They may not always have wanted them , they may not always appreciate them , but it was Easter , and like they had done over Christmas and thanksgiving , there were a few faces that stuck around for longer than they technically had to . Which made the place feel more alive than it usually did . Nick , for one , appreciated that . He had wandered the house some , before stepping outside into the forest , now that night had fallen and the new moon was peeking out from behind clouds . It was all to easy to remember the ones that weren 't here , when there were others that were . He tried to keeps his thoughts on the positive side of things , but the spirits were close , as they had been so often recently , and they liked memories , as though they were a currency with them . Mirela had visited , before the moon , and had said something of that sort . She was a strange fish , that one , but she enjoyed being connected to the pack here now that she had made Orlando her home . Despite her lineage , Nick couldn 't see any harm in her . If he didn 't , few others would . Mitch couldn 't recall the last time the pack had a vargamor in their number , so although she was yet to officially fill that capacity , the notion has been floated for consideration . He walked , his feet bare , his senses attuned , but even so , his hands shoved into his pockets . The quiet was pleasant . There were too many times recently that his world had seemed far , far too noisy . says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - Silence filled the nightly air , the shifting was nice , the family was back on the mends and it was one of those times where Syd enjoyed being home more than out . James had gone to play some pool with some of the boys while the blonde decided to stay at the house and mingle . Grabbing up a beer from the fridge she popped the top and headed out back . She felt him , his presences , his wolf , his being and she froze the moment she hit the back yard . Her eyes fell to the ground as she had sorta avoided him and Declan the past few weeks . Trying to figure out if things were set to the marker of her own mind but avoidance among them would never last . Sucking at the long neck bottle in hand she followed Nick 's scent into the woods . Her emerald hues flashing with gold flakes as she moved with silence . The soft squish of the earth beneath her feet sank between her toes . The silence of the forest heighten her hearing , all her senses were on alert , heading deeper into where it was sacred for them . Leaning against a trunk of a tree she closed her eyes to just listen to feel the call of the ancestors as they pushed the memory of the dead around sent the chills of the evening to crawl along her skin . It was warm yet a breeze danced through the trees and she let out a low sigh . Her mind thinking over the past and how they all got to this point . A smile placid upon her velvet lips . she was happy for once , truly at peace with all around and even loved being home again . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : You were never really alone in the forest . The pack had a large enough area of land , and enough of them living there that at any one point there was bound to be another of them out there somewhere , whether you knew it or not . That was before you took into account the various other animals that lived out there . The insects and birds paid little attention , but the other wildlife sensed Nick coming and gave him a wide berth , despite his human form . He wasn 't being overly careful with his scent or the reach of his presence . Let them all know he was here . It was a relief to do it . The whispers of the munin spirits grew louder - not that you could focus on a particular direction for any of them , they were just there - the closer he got to the Lupanar . It wasn 't his set destination but the way he walked always seemed to coincide with that place . Perhaps because the opposite direction when leaving the house led towards the old wooder 's huts , and the memories he associated with that place were unsavoury . He tried to clear his mind , leave thoughts of those things behind , and cast away thoughts of the club , of Tyler / Ryan et al , thoughts of his cabin or of Neala , but it was hard to clear your mind , truly . There was always something , desperate to fill the space left by some other thing . His steps faltered and he turned his head . He was being followed . On instinct , his shields closed around his beast and those whispers died abruptly , leaving only the sounds of the forest at night . He ducked right and stayed downwind and he circled around . By the time he reached you , you had , in fact , stopped , and were resting against a tree trunk . He approached without a sound , after a teensy - weensy deliberation about whether or not to disturb you , and , from behind the tree , wrapped his arms around it and covered your eyes with his hands . says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - Her heart beat was steady , not low or over active , simply strong and steady and she was calm . She didn 't necessarily follow you not in the sense of stalking , simply liked your idea of just walking being in the place that seemed to calm the soul . Her beast was relaxed and sated , when you had threw up your shields she had looked around for the danger she was sure to follow her body tensed her metaphysical beast was on guard . With no sounds coming her way she continued to lean upon the trunk closing her embers once more to allow for the forest to fill her sense . To see it through her beast 's eyes . Though the darkness poured in when your hands covered her eyes and she sniffed , a low whimper escaped her lips she knew by the beating of your heart , the makeup of who you were and the feel of those hands upon her eyes it was you . Her heart had started to pick up pace , fingers brush over your own as she brushed the knuckles of your hands . " You know for a man of Surprises you fail in the approach of being recognized " She teased softly . She held herself bound to the tree a few moments unsure of what intentions either of them had and with a soft parting giggle and knowing your hands weren 't tight upon her face . She wiggled her way free before feet fell upon the earth and she took off in a run , nothing fast or she was afraid , simply took to the woods surrounding them . " You coming " She called over her shoulder feeling the freedom that made her feel alive . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : So he was a man of surprises ? You probably would 've liked to have seen his face when you uttered that one , but , unfortunately for you , your eyes were covered at that point . He released his shields then letting that familiar presence just spread it 's warmth and power around the area we were in , not particularly targeting you , but you and he had physical contact , it would be difficult to avoid , so why try ? " Who said I didn 't want to be recognised ? " He laughed gently as you pulled away , and he lowered his arms and rounded the tree . " Just checking how aware you are of your surroundings . " Perhaps making sure that all that James had been teaching you wasn 't being forgotten now that James was doing more than just teaching you . Off you ran , and it wasn 't the kind of escaping dash that would trigger that CHASE instinct , but it pulled at him anyway . Maybe you had been following him , maybe you hadn 't , but he 'd become aware of you and sought out your company , and here you were abandoning him . Can 't be having that . " Already there , " he muttered to the wind , and his feet were carrying him forward , drawn to action , and he was ducking and weaving through the trees to draw up next to you . His shields down , those whispers were there again , a flurry of noise and excitement now that the two wolves were running amongst them . He didn 't question if you were aware of them , just accepted it as a thing . " Anywhere in particular ? " He smirked , offering you lead in this little jog of ours , even as he rounded a large fallen tree , navigating this territory of ours with ease . He wondered if you 'd venture to the lupanar , in the same way that it always pulled at him . It was true that he had found you there before . says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - She had heard your words and the laugh that peeled over her flesh like that of a soft trail of butterfly kisses . She had been very aware of what was around her and she fed off your wolf , when your shields went into place she waited , counted and even could sense you peeling back towards her , she even gave in to the whispers , the calls , the voices of the lupanar as it reached out to her . She was learning so much and felt the joy of the moments lately . Looking back when she had took of she felt you close to her when you caught up and they were headed to the Lupanar it always called to her , spoke to her , pulled her in the warmth of its embrace and welcomed her being . Stopping when you asked anywhere in particular she smiled and took your hand as they headed deeper into the woods . The other creatures gave them more room then was needed and she began to walk with ease once they reached the place . The luminance of light between scattered branches gave way to the beauty that was held here . Her heart was beating and with your shields dropped she felt herself bath in the comfort of you once more . Turning she looked to you , those soft emeralds falling on your features she tilts her head and speaking once more . " I am aware of the settings about us , I am aware of everything that binds us and it is in this spot that makes the bad of the world fade and all of us become one . They speak to me Nick , do they ever call to you ? " She asked curiously standing there squishing her toes in to the earth and feeling the magic shift through her form says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : The lupanar it was , and his smile broadened on his lips as you took his hand and led him through the trees into the natural clearing , where the large crescent rock formation nestled amongst the treeline at one edge of the clearing had become the focal point for that gathering of munin . The spirits of their fallen pack mates . For how long this had been where there bodies had been brought , had been committed to pack memory , he didn 't know . Many of the spirits here were wolves he would never ever have known , that predated his time here - and that of most of the wolves currently in residence . There were some , though , too many , that he had known . To say ' Rest in Peace ' seemed out of place , because here they were : anything but peaceful . You waxed poetic as you spoke , and it warmed him . You had that way about you sometimes . Call it a quirk of character . To those that didn 't know you it wouldn 't fit what they thought of you , but he knew you , had seen this side of your nature . " They rarely shut up , " he murmured quietly . " used to be , it bothered me . Either it stopped creeping me out , or I got used to it . I don 't know which . " So it wasn 't just him then , that 's good . Not all of the wolves could sense them , or at least , sense them for what they were - beyond a mere breeze of energy . He turned his attention on you , and he faced you , lifting his hand - with yours attached - to chest height . " So you 're not ignoring me ? " He didn 't want to talk work . Perhaps that was inescapable . But this was hardly just a work thing , was it ? says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - She had closed her eyes and tilted her head into the moment , feeling the soft breeze upon her flesh as it raked along her skin and rose the bumps . She was taking in those of fallen pack , those of past and present those she knew and didn 't and in it she had learned so much , craved their knowledge and protection . Once she had longed stop fighting and learn to listen she realized the sanctity of their home and people . Learned that without this place and without the pack she had nothing would simply be a being who was trying to survive in a world where chaos and hatred was stronger than love and memories . Opening her embers she looked to you a moment as you gave her a murmured response and she chuckled softly . The honey tone filled the air about them . Shaking those long blonde locks from her face as she seemed to truly relax around you she gave more and more of her docile nature , the curious chic who had a softer side to the bitch she showed to all . She was simply a harden shell keeping those away she didn 't want close , kept herself from being crushed when it truly matter . " I at first didn 't understand it , them , or what they wanted but being here , learning from you and the rest , and what I feel inside of me I learned to listen to let them in and accept their blessings and teachings . " She said softly before feeling you turn and face her , lifting her hand up to your chest height . She watched you a few moments , eyes locked on your own as the question was presented and a small red tint touched her cheeks . " I was at first , then I wasn 't our schedules had not matched up Nick . " She felt her heart speed up , her hand in yours and she saw the look in your eyes , felt the comfort , and draw of your power against her own like that when they had shared the couch during a movie a while back . It was the feel she always felt around you , one she always tried to ignore and leave it at the door but it was you and she knew fighting would always be a battle she would slowly lose . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : Despite the noise , the whispers that came in waves that grew quiet then would build and crash against those who cared to listen , there was a peace to be had - not just from being here in this sacred place , but being with you . If he tried , he could think of a number of reasons for that , but the easiest was that he had no secrets from you . At times , that could be detrimental , but at other times - times like this - it was a boon . You weren 't just aware of his part to play at Carmine , you were involved . You weren 't just aware of all the crap that had gone down there in the past , and all that had gone on here at the house . You had been there , you had fought . You had been at his side . It allowed for a certain amount of shorthand , a certain … ability to skip past the bullshit . " That 's a terrible excuse . If there 's something you have to say to me or ask of me , you have my number . You know where I live . You know you can come to me or call on me . " He meant that , knew you knew he meant it . He lifted his eyes , glanced about , trying to get a fix on those spirits . There were interested in all of this of course , in these two wolves that had come to their realm , gave them something to excite themselves about . Their energy was rich with potential . " But , " he began , slowly returning his eyes to you . " I also get the distinct impression it 's more that you expect me to have something to say to you . Look , Syd , if it 's about James … " - She shifted a bit not realizing she had stepped closer to you and your form and it was nice and easy that they never kept secrets , she knew of the past , had fought with you , knew of what and who you did . She even knew of things that came and went and most of it you always shared with her in some way or another . It was something she never gave much thought and with them standing in this place , upon sacred ground she had tilted her head as your eyes scanned our over the top of her . Closing her embers she embraced the magic and let the thoughts guide her in what embrace it shared and with it came a simple knowledge that you and her were linked and bound not by blood , or truly packed , but by a friendship so deep that no matter what happened she would always have your back . It was you who had hers when no one else ever did and she had never forgotten it and her loyalty was yours to the end . Listening to your words as you spoke she lifted a slender shoulder before it dropped and she opened the rich greens and spoke softly . " I know Nick and I was wrong for trying to avoid you , I just didn 't know what to honestly say to you about me and James . . I am still not 100 % sure of him , he is great . . but Honestly there are things I am afraid will always hold me back . Things I tell myself repeatedly are not going to happen and are not something I should hope for and yet … " she paused a moment . " I just can 't " turning her eyes towards the heavens she spoke in a lower whispered tone you heard clearly . " And I know your wolf belongs to another " she said biting at her lower lip . It would never change her feelings even if she fought them . They were the same . She simply had to ignore them if she were to make the best of it . Allow you your freedoms , your choices , and even allow you your space . She knew you far to well to ever demand anything of you and she could live with that . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : You had a smile on his lips , at least . " We work and live together ; Avoiding me was never going to work , not for very long . " Yes , yes , I know . He technically lived elsewhere , but that 's besides the point , and not extremely relevant . He 'd been staying here more , recently , in the house or in the forest , and a couple of times he 'd stayed at Carmine . The cabin - except for that night Captain Giles had needed to drink himself into a stupor - had been all but empty . It wasn 't the same , and that , whilst being his fault , was a damn shame . But good . Positive , if he allowed himself to look at it that way . " And being 100 % sure of anybody is … a lot harder than it sounds , and it doesn 't sound simple . " He was trying to help . God knows why . When he heard you 'd gotten involved with James he 'd blinked more times than was necessary . Had thought that was never on the cards , but there is was . But , he guessed , before he and James had their fight , before the night where it seemed everyone settled their scores and challenges were made and met - including yours with Sam - it hadn 't been possible , perhaps . Nick knew where your loyalties lay when it came to that difference of opinions James and he had . Since then , James had quietened . As Hati - he still had authority , albeit a demotion of sorts , but he respected that , respected Mitch 's decision and the way the chips had fallen . There had been no further tousles . Not yet , anyway . It was easy to see what could have happened . Declan had paid the price of throwing his weight around , and the rules out of the window . Nick didn 't particularly understand what those things were that were holding you back , but if you were unsure about James , no - one was going to rush you , and - despite what others may think - he wasn 't about to try and talk you out of it . Just support you . Have moments like this . " My wolf , " he cleared his throat , " thinks it knows what it wants . It can sod off , if you ask me . There 's trouble and there 's trouble … " he exhaled , that beast in him stirring , getting that sense it was being defied in some way and giving off a ripple of a growl - nothing aloud - simply a reverberation of presence . " … What 's that got to do with it ? " Her own moving to console it to calm it from the riled fur of its neck . Pulling your hand up to her cheek she brush your knuckles of her face gently before kissing the back of your hand and speaking . " I know we work together , live together . We are practically always around one another Nick , it changes nothing but solves everything . It is harder than it sounds but for me I cant let certain things go that I feel . Your wolf wants another . . It simply settles for the comfort but it riles for another being and I have felt it . Everyone has when you are around that being . . Have you ever asked yourself why we have never made it to the bedroom ? Why we simply never gave into what our natural instinct is to do ? " She asked tilting her head when she looked up and continued to hold your hand . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : " It solves everything ? " He chuckled , but didn 't let that deter you from speaking the rest of your words . He wondered what you meant by that , what it solved - that you were always around each other . You went on to speak about his wolf as if this was something that you had noticed , but beyond that , that others had noticed . The smile faded , brows tugging towards each other as he frowned . Were the wants ( and needs ? ) of his wolf so transparent ? That thought bothered him . Was a timely reminder of why he and Neala needed to carry on keeping each other 's way , though . This connection of theirs that had managed to form didn 't seem to bother her as much as it once had . Ah , the good old days . " The wolf doesn 't always get what it wants , " he stated , and it was more blustery , more raw than he wanted it to be . He softened his tone , and lowered that hand of his ( and yours ) down between us . His eyes followed as he pieced together his thoughts . " The benefit of being what we are , is that we have this animal nature , and at times it 's so pure and in tune with its surroundings and desires , it can guide us if we let it , and that 's an amazing thing … " his fingers released yours , slipping from your grip too , though tracing down along the back of your hand and along your forearm , the barest of touches from calloused fingertips . " But that 's not all we are . We can think and feel in a way that they can 't , because as much as we , as I 'd love for life so be as simple as they see it , it just isn 't . There is so much more at play here than they would ever want or be able to understand . It 's a balance , " he nodded , as if to cement his point . " And it 's me that 's right this time . Not the wolf . " He 'd traced along your entire arm , then skipped your neck ( i . e . the good part ) to place a large warm hand against your cheek , his gaze having lifted to fix upon your eyes now , a steady , intense , yet calm gaze . " You know , I always thought that if I allowed myself to get closer to you than … than we are now , have been , I risked losing Sam . " He still didn 't know how right he was about that . " Not that that matters now . " This was his way of answering what you had asked of him . " Have you ? " says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - Making a face with you said it solves everything ? She heard the chuckle that fell from your lips , she groaned a bit thinking you weren 't getting what she was meaning . Watching you as you stated your point she blinked a few moments trying to understand the bite in your words before you had lowered their hand back between them . Listening to your words she tilted her head as it seemed sometimes the beast was smarter than its counterpart and in certain times like this one yours was a bit on the more know how then the complications of what life entailed . She wouldn 't say it out loud as her fingers were released and her hand fell to her side , she simply closed her eyes tot eh skitter of kisses along her heated flesh , along her forearm in a dance of like touches and she shivered not to the breeze that licked through the forest and pressed upon their above normal body temps but to the touch , the shiver , the chill that you sent and how close you were In that moment . The feel of the pull from this place . Swallowing a lump that had formed in her throat the husk in her tone and she bullshit reason of losing Sam was why you and her had never gone to bed in the since of sex had certainly caught her attention as her eyes opened and she looked into your hues . The reflection of green followed and she shook her head . " Bullshit . . Nick . . It solves everything that we are in each other 's lives . . That we work together , live together . . That we are as close as many wished to be . We don 't hold secrets from one another and this is why it solves many things that would be normal trouble for those who couldn 't see it or acknowledge what we know and share . As for you risking losing Sam is bullshit . . You were with Carmen , Cerise , Sam , and who ever else . . so No you would lose Sam to others before you would have to me unless others were not a threat and I am missing the point here ? " She said as she lowered her head a moment biting on her lower lip not truly wishing to answer that question when it was aimed back at her . She turned from you , not in the means of turning her back but simply she didn 't want you to see her expression or the hue that would rise to great extent when she spoke . Hell even having you standing so close behind her , all she had to do was lean back and she would feel you . Touch you … . " Nick I have thought about it " she started off and her voice dropped a bit . . " But to go there would mean to touch uncharted waters that could be more damaging then good . On the flip side going there could prove many things to both of us . But an act I had never touched upon . " She had fallen silent while her orbs closed once more and she felt it , the beat of her heart as it sped up and she felt herself fight against that in which she knew was holding her back … You scared her and not in the monstrous ways like many would take you for . She had seen you had your best and worst , had woken beside you after a rogue killing , had stood beside you through many dangers and fights . Had taken up a cause that was yours that you believed in and never questioned you once , though with this she could never tell you the damage you could cause her and how you could destroy her . You were her Strength and weakness at the same time . The further comments though , about Sam and the others … were a bit too close to the mark , a mark that was freshly made and still smarting , and even the wolf in him reacted to that , seeing eye - to - eye with him - on that at least - as it rankled and stirred to skulk around you . " No , you 're right on point , " his voice darkened . It wasn 't a warning , he was just … It 's complicated , and the spirits whipping around the two of you were not helping the situation any . " but it isn 't Bullshit . It 's shit . I 'll give you that , but then I 've muddied things with Sam , did that the day we crossed between mentor and lover . So you see I had my own cause for concern when you and James did the same . " He wanted to go on , but didn 't know how to explain to you how Sam had always been a part of his life here in Orlando , had been a touchstone . Over the years he could gauge his right decisions and his wrong ones from the way she reacted to him after them . Yes he 'd muddied it … but he didn 't regret the last couple of years . He just … had to hope that losing her as a lover wouldn 't mean losing her from his life . Which is what he was trying to suggest could have happened had he gotten involved with you … . and when he thought it through like that … You know , maybe it was bullshit , but he wasn 't about to share that revelation with you . You turned and for a moment he thought you were pulling away , were leaving , and it fucking lurched at his innards , brought him right back to the now and had his beast circling you , pressing you back to him . Y ' see , unreliable these beasts and their fickle ways . " My reasoning may not be sound , Syd , " he sighed , " but … no - one 's proposing that we go there . At least , I don 't think they are ? " He tried to add a smile to his tone there , and he stepped close - right up so that your back pressed against his chest , and he wrapped his arms slowly around you ( if you 'd let him ) , lay his forehead against the back of yours , the scent of you and your hair filling his nostrils . " You have James . I have … shit to figure out . I don 't see that thinking about other ways this conversation could be going will do either of us any good , so , " His hands took ahold of your upper arms and guided you to turn around , maybe even look at him if you dare . " Run with me . The spirits want some kind of a show . " says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - she didn 't realize she had truly hit on a few of the valid points until you spoke even your metaphysical beast was pushing her back . With the force the strength your words . She leaned into you and rested her head against your own , even allowed your arms to wrap about her form like that of a protection from her own self in the moment . She listened so carefully and smiled a bit hearing those words that fell from your lips . When you finally stopped for a moment and you lead her to turn around and face you she looked up to you with those soft embers . " Nick I don 't need reasons , or whys to what or how things are . I simply need you . I don 't lie to you ; I don 't expect you to lie to me . I have James at the moment because I never saw a you and I . You are my best friend , my truest and most sacred person in this world and I would follow you to hell if it meant keeping your ass alive . I know you are not one to be tied , to be held , you like your freedom , your chances , your choice to do as you please . James is much the same and believes in the whole open relationship stance . Something he learned from you . So I being with him is just a bonus to getting certain needs I have filled . It does not mean by any means he is filling the void in my life . That will never be filled but by you when it comes to what we share . " She said watching you when you spoke of running she would like that and nodded her head softly . " A run will do some good , perhaps I will even beat you this time " she teased softly . He didn 't know much of your arrangement with James but here you were going from not being 100 % about him , to being in an ' open ' relationship . It begged caution , but then so could you regarding anything to do with him . What was he thinking ? You and he . It 'd been the topic on the cards for the last little while and yet how it had gotten there escaped him for a moment . It seemed to arrive almost as soon as he 'd asked you if you 'd been ignoring him . So no , you hadn 't . But you didn 't know how to broach the topic of you and James even though you knew ( I mean , you had to know ) that he would find out about it ? His head buzzed with thoughts and with those pesky spirits swirling and mocking them both , and your wolf and his had gotten tangled up in proximity and it was a fucking good feeling . So let 's just leave it at that . Don 't pick . Don 't stir , don 't look too close . Just smile and enjoy the pretty lady and her mouth . I mean , her eyes . I mean , company . Yes , company , and her scent . He withdrew hands from your cheek , earlier words of yours coming back to him ( ' … we simply never gave into what our natural instinct is to do ' ) . Hm . Suddenly the thought of you and he getting undressed in such close proximity didn 't seem like the safest or wisest of options . He bit down on the corner of his bottom lip and let a broad , arrogant smile slowly spread over his features , and he reached to the hem of his shirt , and tugged upwards , pulling it up over his head . " Yeah , " he mused , tossing it to one side and reaching for his belt . " Good luck with that . "
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JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . says to Everyone : The full moon had come and gone and for once , it had been without incident . The pack house had welcomed in most of its brood and the forest had been alive with the energy of the pack , but now most of them were gone . I say most , however , more had stuck around than would usually . It had taken Nick by surprise , but then it was easy to forget that for some of the wolves in the Pack - regardless of a lack of presence around the house except for that mandatory visit every moon , and regardless of a social circle than involved work mates or whatever - for some of them , the pack was their only family . They may not always have wanted them , they may not always appreciate them , but it was Easter , and like they had done over Christmas and thanksgiving , there were a few faces that stuck around for longer than they technically had to . Which made the place feel more alive than it usually did . Nick , for one , appreciated that . He had wandered the house some , before stepping outside into the forest , now that night had fallen and the new moon was peeking out from behind clouds . It was all to easy to remember the ones that weren 't here , when there were others that were . He tried to keeps his thoughts on the positive side of things , but the spirits were close , as they had been so often recently , and they liked memories , as though they were a currency with them . Mirela had visited , before the moon , and had said something of that sort . She was a strange fish , that one , but she enjoyed being connected to the pack here now that she had made Orlando her home . Despite her lineage , Nick couldn 't see any harm in her . If he didn 't , few others would . Mitch couldn 't recall the last time the pack had a vargamor in their number , so although she was yet to officially fill that capacity , the notion has been floated for consideration . He walked , his feet bare , his senses attuned , but even so , his hands shoved into his pockets . The quiet was pleasant . There were too many times recently that his world had seemed far , far too noisy . says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - Silence filled the nightly air , the shifting was nice , the family was back on the mends and it was one of those times where Syd enjoyed being home more than out . James had gone to play some pool with some of the boys while the blonde decided to stay at the house and mingle . Grabbing up a beer from the fridge she popped the top and headed out back . She felt him , his presences , his wolf , his being and she froze the moment she hit the back yard . Her eyes fell to the ground as she had sorta avoided him and Declan the past few weeks . Trying to figure out if things were set to the marker of her own mind but avoidance among them would never last . Sucking at the long neck bottle in hand she followed Nick 's scent into the woods . Her emerald hues flashing with gold flakes as she moved with silence . The soft squish of the earth beneath her feet sank between her toes . The silence of the forest heighten her hearing , all her senses were on alert , heading deeper into where it was sacred for them . Leaning against a trunk of a tree she closed her eyes to just listen to feel the call of the ancestors as they pushed the memory of the dead around sent the chills of the evening to crawl along her skin . It was warm yet a breeze danced through the trees and she let out a low sigh . Her mind thinking over the past and how they all got to this point . A smile placid upon her velvet lips . she was happy for once , truly at peace with all around and even loved being home again . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : You were never really alone in the forest . The pack had a large enough area of land , and enough of them living there that at any one point there was bound to be another of them out there somewhere , whether you knew it or not . That was before you took into account the various other animals that lived out there . The insects and birds paid little attention , but the other wildlife sensed Nick coming and gave him a wide berth , despite his human form . He wasn 't being overly careful with his scent or the reach of his presence . Let them all know he was here . It was a relief to do it . The whispers of the munin spirits grew louder - not that you could focus on a particular direction for any of them , they were just there - the closer he got to the Lupanar . It wasn 't his set destination but the way he walked always seemed to coincide with that place . Perhaps because the opposite direction when leaving the house led towards the old wooder 's huts , and the memories he associated with that place were unsavoury . He tried to clear his mind , leave thoughts of those things behind , and cast away thoughts of the club , of Tyler / Ryan et al , thoughts of his cabin or of Neala , but it was hard to clear your mind , truly . There was always something , desperate to fill the space left by some other thing . His steps faltered and he turned his head . He was being followed . On instinct , his shields closed around his beast and those whispers died abruptly , leaving only the sounds of the forest at night . He ducked right and stayed downwind and he circled around . By the time he reached you , you had , in fact , stopped , and were resting against a tree trunk . He approached without a sound , after a teensy - weensy deliberation about whether or not to disturb you , and , from behind the tree , wrapped his arms around it and covered your eyes with his hands . says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - Her heart beat was steady , not low or over active , simply strong and steady and she was calm . She didn 't necessarily follow you not in the sense of stalking , simply liked your idea of just walking being in the place that seemed to calm the soul . Her beast was relaxed and sated , when you had threw up your shields she had looked around for the danger she was sure to follow her body tensed her metaphysical beast was on guard . With no sounds coming her way she continued to lean upon the trunk closing her embers once more to allow for the forest to fill her sense . To see it through her beast 's eyes . Though the darkness poured in when your hands covered her eyes and she sniffed , a low whimper escaped her lips she knew by the beating of your heart , the makeup of who you were and the feel of those hands upon her eyes it was you . Her heart had started to pick up pace , fingers brush over your own as she brushed the knuckles of your hands . " You know for a man of Surprises you fail in the approach of being recognized " She teased softly . She held herself bound to the tree a few moments unsure of what intentions either of them had and with a soft parting giggle and knowing your hands weren 't tight upon her face . She wiggled her way free before feet fell upon the earth and she took off in a run , nothing fast or she was afraid , simply took to the woods surrounding them . " You coming " She called over her shoulder feeling the freedom that made her feel alive . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : So he was a man of surprises ? You probably would 've liked to have seen his face when you uttered that one , but , unfortunately for you , your eyes were covered at that point . He released his shields then letting that familiar presence just spread it 's warmth and power around the area we were in , not particularly targeting you , but you and he had physical contact , it would be difficult to avoid , so why try ? " Who said I didn 't want to be recognised ? " He laughed gently as you pulled away , and he lowered his arms and rounded the tree . " Just checking how aware you are of your surroundings . " Perhaps making sure that all that James had been teaching you wasn 't being forgotten now that James was doing more than just teaching you . Off you ran , and it wasn 't the kind of escaping dash that would trigger that CHASE instinct , but it pulled at him anyway . Maybe you had been following him , maybe you hadn 't , but he 'd become aware of you and sought out your company , and here you were abandoning him . Can 't be having that . " Already there , " he muttered to the wind , and his feet were carrying him forward , drawn to action , and he was ducking and weaving through the trees to draw up next to you . His shields down , those whispers were there again , a flurry of noise and excitement now that the two wolves were running amongst them . He didn 't question if you were aware of them , just accepted it as a thing . " Anywhere in particular ? " He smirked , offering you lead in this little jog of ours , even as he rounded a large fallen tree , navigating this territory of ours with ease . He wondered if you 'd venture to the lupanar , in the same way that it always pulled at him . It was true that he had found you there before . says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - She had heard your words and the laugh that peeled over her flesh like that of a soft trail of butterfly kisses . She had been very aware of what was around her and she fed off your wolf , when your shields went into place she waited , counted and even could sense you peeling back towards her , she even gave in to the whispers , the calls , the voices of the lupanar as it reached out to her . She was learning so much and felt the joy of the moments lately . Looking back when she had took of she felt you close to her when you caught up and they were headed to the Lupanar it always called to her , spoke to her , pulled her in the warmth of its embrace and welcomed her being . Stopping when you asked anywhere in particular she smiled and took your hand as they headed deeper into the woods . The other creatures gave them more room then was needed and she began to walk with ease once they reached the place . The luminance of light between scattered branches gave way to the beauty that was held here . Her heart was beating and with your shields dropped she felt herself bath in the comfort of you once more . Turning she looked to you , those soft emeralds falling on your features she tilts her head and speaking once more . " I am aware of the settings about us , I am aware of everything that binds us and it is in this spot that makes the bad of the world fade and all of us become one . They speak to me Nick , do they ever call to you ? " She asked curiously standing there squishing her toes in to the earth and feeling the magic shift through her form says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : The lupanar it was , and his smile broadened on his lips as you took his hand and led him through the trees into the natural clearing , where the large crescent rock formation nestled amongst the treeline at one edge of the clearing had become the focal point for that gathering of munin . The spirits of their fallen pack mates . For how long this had been where there bodies had been brought , had been committed to pack memory , he didn 't know . Many of the spirits here were wolves he would never ever have known , that predated his time here - and that of most of the wolves currently in residence . There were some , though , too many , that he had known . To say ' Rest in Peace ' seemed out of place , because here they were : anything but peaceful . You waxed poetic as you spoke , and it warmed him . You had that way about you sometimes . Call it a quirk of character . To those that didn 't know you it wouldn 't fit what they thought of you , but he knew you , had seen this side of your nature . " They rarely shut up , " he murmured quietly . " used to be , it bothered me . Either it stopped creeping me out , or I got used to it . I don 't know which . " So it wasn 't just him then , that 's good . Not all of the wolves could sense them , or at least , sense them for what they were - beyond a mere breeze of energy . He turned his attention on you , and he faced you , lifting his hand - with yours attached - to chest height . " So you 're not ignoring me ? " He didn 't want to talk work . Perhaps that was inescapable . But this was hardly just a work thing , was it ? says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - She had closed her eyes and tilted her head into the moment , feeling the soft breeze upon her flesh as it raked along her skin and rose the bumps . She was taking in those of fallen pack , those of past and present those she knew and didn 't and in it she had learned so much , craved their knowledge and protection . Once she had longed stop fighting and learn to listen she realized the sanctity of their home and people . Learned that without this place and without the pack she had nothing would simply be a being who was trying to survive in a world where chaos and hatred was stronger than love and memories . Opening her embers she looked to you a moment as you gave her a murmured response and she chuckled softly . The honey tone filled the air about them . Shaking those long blonde locks from her face as she seemed to truly relax around you she gave more and more of her docile nature , the curious chic who had a softer side to the bitch she showed to all . She was simply a harden shell keeping those away she didn 't want close , kept herself from being crushed when it truly matter . " I at first didn 't understand it , them , or what they wanted but being here , learning from you and the rest , and what I feel inside of me I learned to listen to let them in and accept their blessings and teachings . " She said softly before feeling you turn and face her , lifting her hand up to your chest height . She watched you a few moments , eyes locked on your own as the question was presented and a small red tint touched her cheeks . " I was at first , then I wasn 't our schedules had not matched up Nick . " She felt her heart speed up , her hand in yours and she saw the look in your eyes , felt the comfort , and draw of your power against her own like that when they had shared the couch during a movie a while back . It was the feel she always felt around you , one she always tried to ignore and leave it at the door but it was you and she knew fighting would always be a battle she would slowly lose . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : Despite the noise , the whispers that came in waves that grew quiet then would build and crash against those who cared to listen , there was a peace to be had - not just from being here in this sacred place , but being with you . If he tried , he could think of a number of reasons for that , but the easiest was that he had no secrets from you . At times , that could be detrimental , but at other times - times like this - it was a boon . You weren 't just aware of his part to play at Carmine , you were involved . You weren 't just aware of all the crap that had gone down there in the past , and all that had gone on here at the house . You had been there , you had fought . You had been at his side . It allowed for a certain amount of shorthand , a certain … ability to skip past the bullshit . " That 's a terrible excuse . If there 's something you have to say to me or ask of me , you have my number . You know where I live . You know you can come to me or call on me . " He meant that , knew you knew he meant it . He lifted his eyes , glanced about , trying to get a fix on those spirits . There were interested in all of this of course , in these two wolves that had come to their realm , gave them something to excite themselves about . Their energy was rich with potential . " But , " he began , slowly returning his eyes to you . " I also get the distinct impression it 's more that you expect me to have something to say to you . Look , Syd , if it 's about James … " - She shifted a bit not realizing she had stepped closer to you and your form and it was nice and easy that they never kept secrets , she knew of the past , had fought with you , knew of what and who you did . She even knew of things that came and went and most of it you always shared with her in some way or another . It was something she never gave much thought and with them standing in this place , upon sacred ground she had tilted her head as your eyes scanned our over the top of her . Closing her embers she embraced the magic and let the thoughts guide her in what embrace it shared and with it came a simple knowledge that you and her were linked and bound not by blood , or truly packed , but by a friendship so deep that no matter what happened she would always have your back . It was you who had hers when no one else ever did and she had never forgotten it and her loyalty was yours to the end . Listening to your words as you spoke she lifted a slender shoulder before it dropped and she opened the rich greens and spoke softly . " I know Nick and I was wrong for trying to avoid you , I just didn 't know what to honestly say to you about me and James . . I am still not 100 % sure of him , he is great . . but Honestly there are things I am afraid will always hold me back . Things I tell myself repeatedly are not going to happen and are not something I should hope for and yet … " she paused a moment . " I just can 't " turning her eyes towards the heavens she spoke in a lower whispered tone you heard clearly . " And I know your wolf belongs to another " she said biting at her lower lip . It would never change her feelings even if she fought them . They were the same . She simply had to ignore them if she were to make the best of it . Allow you your freedoms , your choices , and even allow you your space . She knew you far to well to ever demand anything of you and she could live with that . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : You had a smile on his lips , at least . " We work and live together ; Avoiding me was never going to work , not for very long . " Yes , yes , I know . He technically lived elsewhere , but that 's besides the point , and not extremely relevant . He 'd been staying here more , recently , in the house or in the forest , and a couple of times he 'd stayed at Carmine . The cabin - except for that night Captain Giles had needed to drink himself into a stupor - had been all but empty . It wasn 't the same , and that , whilst being his fault , was a damn shame . But good . Positive , if he allowed himself to look at it that way . " And being 100 % sure of anybody is … a lot harder than it sounds , and it doesn 't sound simple . " He was trying to help . God knows why . When he heard you 'd gotten involved with James he 'd blinked more times than was necessary . Had thought that was never on the cards , but there is was . But , he guessed , before he and James had their fight , before the night where it seemed everyone settled their scores and challenges were made and met - including yours with Sam - it hadn 't been possible , perhaps . Nick knew where your loyalties lay when it came to that difference of opinions James and he had . Since then , James had quietened . As Hati - he still had authority , albeit a demotion of sorts , but he respected that , respected Mitch 's decision and the way the chips had fallen . There had been no further tousles . Not yet , anyway . It was easy to see what could have happened . Declan had paid the price of throwing his weight around , and the rules out of the window . Nick didn 't particularly understand what those things were that were holding you back , but if you were unsure about James , no - one was going to rush you , and - despite what others may think - he wasn 't about to try and talk you out of it . Just support you . Have moments like this . " My wolf , " he cleared his throat , " thinks it knows what it wants . It can sod off , if you ask me . There 's trouble and there 's trouble … " he exhaled , that beast in him stirring , getting that sense it was being defied in some way and giving off a ripple of a growl - nothing aloud - simply a reverberation of presence . " … What 's that got to do with it ? " Her own moving to console it to calm it from the riled fur of its neck . Pulling your hand up to her cheek she brush your knuckles of her face gently before kissing the back of your hand and speaking . " I know we work together , live together . We are practically always around one another Nick , it changes nothing but solves everything . It is harder than it sounds but for me I cant let certain things go that I feel . Your wolf wants another . . It simply settles for the comfort but it riles for another being and I have felt it . Everyone has when you are around that being . . Have you ever asked yourself why we have never made it to the bedroom ? Why we simply never gave into what our natural instinct is to do ? " She asked tilting her head when she looked up and continued to hold your hand . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : " It solves everything ? " He chuckled , but didn 't let that deter you from speaking the rest of your words . He wondered what you meant by that , what it solved - that you were always around each other . You went on to speak about his wolf as if this was something that you had noticed , but beyond that , that others had noticed . The smile faded , brows tugging towards each other as he frowned . Were the wants ( and needs ? ) of his wolf so transparent ? That thought bothered him . Was a timely reminder of why he and Neala needed to carry on keeping each other 's way , though . This connection of theirs that had managed to form didn 't seem to bother her as much as it once had . Ah , the good old days . " The wolf doesn 't always get what it wants , " he stated , and it was more blustery , more raw than he wanted it to be . He softened his tone , and lowered that hand of his ( and yours ) down between us . His eyes followed as he pieced together his thoughts . " The benefit of being what we are , is that we have this animal nature , and at times it 's so pure and in tune with its surroundings and desires , it can guide us if we let it , and that 's an amazing thing … " his fingers released yours , slipping from your grip too , though tracing down along the back of your hand and along your forearm , the barest of touches from calloused fingertips . " But that 's not all we are . We can think and feel in a way that they can 't , because as much as we , as I 'd love for life so be as simple as they see it , it just isn 't . There is so much more at play here than they would ever want or be able to understand . It 's a balance , " he nodded , as if to cement his point . " And it 's me that 's right this time . Not the wolf . " He 'd traced along your entire arm , then skipped your neck ( i . e . the good part ) to place a large warm hand against your cheek , his gaze having lifted to fix upon your eyes now , a steady , intense , yet calm gaze . " You know , I always thought that if I allowed myself to get closer to you than … than we are now , have been , I risked losing Sam . " He still didn 't know how right he was about that . " Not that that matters now . " This was his way of answering what you had asked of him . " Have you ? " says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - Making a face with you said it solves everything ? She heard the chuckle that fell from your lips , she groaned a bit thinking you weren 't getting what she was meaning . Watching you as you stated your point she blinked a few moments trying to understand the bite in your words before you had lowered their hand back between them . Listening to your words she tilted her head as it seemed sometimes the beast was smarter than its counterpart and in certain times like this one yours was a bit on the more know how then the complications of what life entailed . She wouldn 't say it out loud as her fingers were released and her hand fell to her side , she simply closed her eyes tot eh skitter of kisses along her heated flesh , along her forearm in a dance of like touches and she shivered not to the breeze that licked through the forest and pressed upon their above normal body temps but to the touch , the shiver , the chill that you sent and how close you were In that moment . The feel of the pull from this place . Swallowing a lump that had formed in her throat the husk in her tone and she bullshit reason of losing Sam was why you and her had never gone to bed in the since of sex had certainly caught her attention as her eyes opened and she looked into your hues . The reflection of green followed and she shook her head . " Bullshit . . Nick . . It solves everything that we are in each other 's lives . . That we work together , live together . . That we are as close as many wished to be . We don 't hold secrets from one another and this is why it solves many things that would be normal trouble for those who couldn 't see it or acknowledge what we know and share . As for you risking losing Sam is bullshit . . You were with Carmen , Cerise , Sam , and who ever else . . so No you would lose Sam to others before you would have to me unless others were not a threat and I am missing the point here ? " She said as she lowered her head a moment biting on her lower lip not truly wishing to answer that question when it was aimed back at her . She turned from you , not in the means of turning her back but simply she didn 't want you to see her expression or the hue that would rise to great extent when she spoke . Hell even having you standing so close behind her , all she had to do was lean back and she would feel you . Touch you … . " Nick I have thought about it " she started off and her voice dropped a bit . . " But to go there would mean to touch uncharted waters that could be more damaging then good . On the flip side going there could prove many things to both of us . But an act I had never touched upon . " She had fallen silent while her orbs closed once more and she felt it , the beat of her heart as it sped up and she felt herself fight against that in which she knew was holding her back … You scared her and not in the monstrous ways like many would take you for . She had seen you had your best and worst , had woken beside you after a rogue killing , had stood beside you through many dangers and fights . Had taken up a cause that was yours that you believed in and never questioned you once , though with this she could never tell you the damage you could cause her and how you could destroy her . You were her Strength and weakness at the same time . The further comments though , about Sam and the others … were a bit too close to the mark , a mark that was freshly made and still smarting , and even the wolf in him reacted to that , seeing eye - to - eye with him - on that at least - as it rankled and stirred to skulk around you . " No , you 're right on point , " his voice darkened . It wasn 't a warning , he was just … It 's complicated , and the spirits whipping around the two of you were not helping the situation any . " but it isn 't Bullshit . It 's shit . I 'll give you that , but then I 've muddied things with Sam , did that the day we crossed between mentor and lover . So you see I had my own cause for concern when you and James did the same . " He wanted to go on , but didn 't know how to explain to you how Sam had always been a part of his life here in Orlando , had been a touchstone . Over the years he could gauge his right decisions and his wrong ones from the way she reacted to him after them . Yes he 'd muddied it … but he didn 't regret the last couple of years . He just … had to hope that losing her as a lover wouldn 't mean losing her from his life . Which is what he was trying to suggest could have happened had he gotten involved with you … . and when he thought it through like that … You know , maybe it was bullshit , but he wasn 't about to share that revelation with you . You turned and for a moment he thought you were pulling away , were leaving , and it fucking lurched at his innards , brought him right back to the now and had his beast circling you , pressing you back to him . Y ' see , unreliable these beasts and their fickle ways . " My reasoning may not be sound , Syd , " he sighed , " but … no - one 's proposing that we go there . At least , I don 't think they are ? " He tried to add a smile to his tone there , and he stepped close - right up so that your back pressed against his chest , and he wrapped his arms slowly around you ( if you 'd let him ) , lay his forehead against the back of yours , the scent of you and your hair filling his nostrils . " You have James . I have … shit to figure out . I don 't see that thinking about other ways this conversation could be going will do either of us any good , so , " His hands took ahold of your upper arms and guided you to turn around , maybe even look at him if you dare . " Run with me . The spirits want some kind of a show . " says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - she didn 't realize she had truly hit on a few of the valid points until you spoke even your metaphysical beast was pushing her back . With the force the strength your words . She leaned into you and rested her head against your own , even allowed your arms to wrap about her form like that of a protection from her own self in the moment . She listened so carefully and smiled a bit hearing those words that fell from your lips . When you finally stopped for a moment and you lead her to turn around and face you she looked up to you with those soft embers . " Nick I don 't need reasons , or whys to what or how things are . I simply need you . I don 't lie to you ; I don 't expect you to lie to me . I have James at the moment because I never saw a you and I . You are my best friend , my truest and most sacred person in this world and I would follow you to hell if it meant keeping your ass alive . I know you are not one to be tied , to be held , you like your freedom , your chances , your choice to do as you please . James is much the same and believes in the whole open relationship stance . Something he learned from you . So I being with him is just a bonus to getting certain needs I have filled . It does not mean by any means he is filling the void in my life . That will never be filled but by you when it comes to what we share . " She said watching you when you spoke of running she would like that and nodded her head softly . " A run will do some good , perhaps I will even beat you this time " she teased softly . He didn 't know much of your arrangement with James but here you were going from not being 100 % about him , to being in an ' open ' relationship . It begged caution , but then so could you regarding anything to do with him . What was he thinking ? You and he . It 'd been the topic on the cards for the last little while and yet how it had gotten there escaped him for a moment . It seemed to arrive almost as soon as he 'd asked you if you 'd been ignoring him . So no , you hadn 't . But you didn 't know how to broach the topic of you and James even though you knew ( I mean , you had to know ) that he would find out about it ? His head buzzed with thoughts and with those pesky spirits swirling and mocking them both , and your wolf and his had gotten tangled up in proximity and it was a fucking good feeling . So let 's just leave it at that . Don 't pick . Don 't stir , don 't look too close . Just smile and enjoy the pretty lady and her mouth . I mean , her eyes . I mean , company . Yes , company , and her scent . He withdrew hands from your cheek , earlier words of yours coming back to him ( ' … we simply never gave into what our natural instinct is to do ' ) . Hm . Suddenly the thought of you and he getting undressed in such close proximity didn 't seem like the safest or wisest of options . He bit down on the corner of his bottom lip and let a broad , arrogant smile slowly spread over his features , and he reached to the hem of his shirt , and tugged upwards , pulling it up over his head . " Yeah , " he mused , tossing it to one side and reaching for his belt . " Good luck with that . "
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JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . says to Everyone : The full moon had come and gone and for once , it had been without incident . The pack house had welcomed in most of its brood and the forest had been alive with the energy of the pack , but now most of them were gone . I say most , however , more had stuck around than would usually . It had taken Nick by surprise , but then it was easy to forget that for some of the wolves in the Pack - regardless of a lack of presence around the house except for that mandatory visit every moon , and regardless of a social circle than involved work mates or whatever - for some of them , the pack was their only family . They may not always have wanted them , they may not always appreciate them , but it was Easter , and like they had done over Christmas and thanksgiving , there were a few faces that stuck around for longer than they technically had to . Which made the place feel more alive than it usually did . Nick , for one , appreciated that . He had wandered the house some , before stepping outside into the forest , now that night had fallen and the new moon was peeking out from behind clouds . It was all to easy to remember the ones that weren 't here , when there were others that were . He tried to keeps his thoughts on the positive side of things , but the spirits were close , as they had been so often recently , and they liked memories , as though they were a currency with them . Mirela had visited , before the moon , and had said something of that sort . She was a strange fish , that one , but she enjoyed being connected to the pack here now that she had made Orlando her home . Despite her lineage , Nick couldn 't see any harm in her . If he didn 't , few others would . Mitch couldn 't recall the last time the pack had a vargamor in their number , so although she was yet to officially fill that capacity , the notion has been floated for consideration . He walked , his feet bare , his senses attuned , but even so , his hands shoved into his pockets . The quiet was pleasant . There were too many times recently that his world had seemed far , far too noisy . says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - Silence filled the nightly air , the shifting was nice , the family was back on the mends and it was one of those times where Syd enjoyed being home more than out . James had gone to play some pool with some of the boys while the blonde decided to stay at the house and mingle . Grabbing up a beer from the fridge she popped the top and headed out back . She felt him , his presences , his wolf , his being and she froze the moment she hit the back yard . Her eyes fell to the ground as she had sorta avoided him and Declan the past few weeks . Trying to figure out if things were set to the marker of her own mind but avoidance among them would never last . Sucking at the long neck bottle in hand she followed Nick 's scent into the woods . Her emerald hues flashing with gold flakes as she moved with silence . The soft squish of the earth beneath her feet sank between her toes . The silence of the forest heighten her hearing , all her senses were on alert , heading deeper into where it was sacred for them . Leaning against a trunk of a tree she closed her eyes to just listen to feel the call of the ancestors as they pushed the memory of the dead around sent the chills of the evening to crawl along her skin . It was warm yet a breeze danced through the trees and she let out a low sigh . Her mind thinking over the past and how they all got to this point . A smile placid upon her velvet lips . she was happy for once , truly at peace with all around and even loved being home again . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : You were never really alone in the forest . The pack had a large enough area of land , and enough of them living there that at any one point there was bound to be another of them out there somewhere , whether you knew it or not . That was before you took into account the various other animals that lived out there . The insects and birds paid little attention , but the other wildlife sensed Nick coming and gave him a wide berth , despite his human form . He wasn 't being overly careful with his scent or the reach of his presence . Let them all know he was here . It was a relief to do it . The whispers of the munin spirits grew louder - not that you could focus on a particular direction for any of them , they were just there - the closer he got to the Lupanar . It wasn 't his set destination but the way he walked always seemed to coincide with that place . Perhaps because the opposite direction when leaving the house led towards the old wooder 's huts , and the memories he associated with that place were unsavoury . He tried to clear his mind , leave thoughts of those things behind , and cast away thoughts of the club , of Tyler / Ryan et al , thoughts of his cabin or of Neala , but it was hard to clear your mind , truly . There was always something , desperate to fill the space left by some other thing . His steps faltered and he turned his head . He was being followed . On instinct , his shields closed around his beast and those whispers died abruptly , leaving only the sounds of the forest at night . He ducked right and stayed downwind and he circled around . By the time he reached you , you had , in fact , stopped , and were resting against a tree trunk . He approached without a sound , after a teensy - weensy deliberation about whether or not to disturb you , and , from behind the tree , wrapped his arms around it and covered your eyes with his hands . says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - Her heart beat was steady , not low or over active , simply strong and steady and she was calm . She didn 't necessarily follow you not in the sense of stalking , simply liked your idea of just walking being in the place that seemed to calm the soul . Her beast was relaxed and sated , when you had threw up your shields she had looked around for the danger she was sure to follow her body tensed her metaphysical beast was on guard . With no sounds coming her way she continued to lean upon the trunk closing her embers once more to allow for the forest to fill her sense . To see it through her beast 's eyes . Though the darkness poured in when your hands covered her eyes and she sniffed , a low whimper escaped her lips she knew by the beating of your heart , the makeup of who you were and the feel of those hands upon her eyes it was you . Her heart had started to pick up pace , fingers brush over your own as she brushed the knuckles of your hands . " You know for a man of Surprises you fail in the approach of being recognized " She teased softly . She held herself bound to the tree a few moments unsure of what intentions either of them had and with a soft parting giggle and knowing your hands weren 't tight upon her face . She wiggled her way free before feet fell upon the earth and she took off in a run , nothing fast or she was afraid , simply took to the woods surrounding them . " You coming " She called over her shoulder feeling the freedom that made her feel alive . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : So he was a man of surprises ? You probably would 've liked to have seen his face when you uttered that one , but , unfortunately for you , your eyes were covered at that point . He released his shields then letting that familiar presence just spread it 's warmth and power around the area we were in , not particularly targeting you , but you and he had physical contact , it would be difficult to avoid , so why try ? " Who said I didn 't want to be recognised ? " He laughed gently as you pulled away , and he lowered his arms and rounded the tree . " Just checking how aware you are of your surroundings . " Perhaps making sure that all that James had been teaching you wasn 't being forgotten now that James was doing more than just teaching you . Off you ran , and it wasn 't the kind of escaping dash that would trigger that CHASE instinct , but it pulled at him anyway . Maybe you had been following him , maybe you hadn 't , but he 'd become aware of you and sought out your company , and here you were abandoning him . Can 't be having that . " Already there , " he muttered to the wind , and his feet were carrying him forward , drawn to action , and he was ducking and weaving through the trees to draw up next to you . His shields down , those whispers were there again , a flurry of noise and excitement now that the two wolves were running amongst them . He didn 't question if you were aware of them , just accepted it as a thing . " Anywhere in particular ? " He smirked , offering you lead in this little jog of ours , even as he rounded a large fallen tree , navigating this territory of ours with ease . He wondered if you 'd venture to the lupanar , in the same way that it always pulled at him . It was true that he had found you there before . says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - She had heard your words and the laugh that peeled over her flesh like that of a soft trail of butterfly kisses . She had been very aware of what was around her and she fed off your wolf , when your shields went into place she waited , counted and even could sense you peeling back towards her , she even gave in to the whispers , the calls , the voices of the lupanar as it reached out to her . She was learning so much and felt the joy of the moments lately . Looking back when she had took of she felt you close to her when you caught up and they were headed to the Lupanar it always called to her , spoke to her , pulled her in the warmth of its embrace and welcomed her being . Stopping when you asked anywhere in particular she smiled and took your hand as they headed deeper into the woods . The other creatures gave them more room then was needed and she began to walk with ease once they reached the place . The luminance of light between scattered branches gave way to the beauty that was held here . Her heart was beating and with your shields dropped she felt herself bath in the comfort of you once more . Turning she looked to you , those soft emeralds falling on your features she tilts her head and speaking once more . " I am aware of the settings about us , I am aware of everything that binds us and it is in this spot that makes the bad of the world fade and all of us become one . They speak to me Nick , do they ever call to you ? " She asked curiously standing there squishing her toes in to the earth and feeling the magic shift through her form says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : The lupanar it was , and his smile broadened on his lips as you took his hand and led him through the trees into the natural clearing , where the large crescent rock formation nestled amongst the treeline at one edge of the clearing had become the focal point for that gathering of munin . The spirits of their fallen pack mates . For how long this had been where there bodies had been brought , had been committed to pack memory , he didn 't know . Many of the spirits here were wolves he would never ever have known , that predated his time here - and that of most of the wolves currently in residence . There were some , though , too many , that he had known . To say ' Rest in Peace ' seemed out of place , because here they were : anything but peaceful . You waxed poetic as you spoke , and it warmed him . You had that way about you sometimes . Call it a quirk of character . To those that didn 't know you it wouldn 't fit what they thought of you , but he knew you , had seen this side of your nature . " They rarely shut up , " he murmured quietly . " used to be , it bothered me . Either it stopped creeping me out , or I got used to it . I don 't know which . " So it wasn 't just him then , that 's good . Not all of the wolves could sense them , or at least , sense them for what they were - beyond a mere breeze of energy . He turned his attention on you , and he faced you , lifting his hand - with yours attached - to chest height . " So you 're not ignoring me ? " He didn 't want to talk work . Perhaps that was inescapable . But this was hardly just a work thing , was it ? says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - She had closed her eyes and tilted her head into the moment , feeling the soft breeze upon her flesh as it raked along her skin and rose the bumps . She was taking in those of fallen pack , those of past and present those she knew and didn 't and in it she had learned so much , craved their knowledge and protection . Once she had longed stop fighting and learn to listen she realized the sanctity of their home and people . Learned that without this place and without the pack she had nothing would simply be a being who was trying to survive in a world where chaos and hatred was stronger than love and memories . Opening her embers she looked to you a moment as you gave her a murmured response and she chuckled softly . The honey tone filled the air about them . Shaking those long blonde locks from her face as she seemed to truly relax around you she gave more and more of her docile nature , the curious chic who had a softer side to the bitch she showed to all . She was simply a harden shell keeping those away she didn 't want close , kept herself from being crushed when it truly matter . " I at first didn 't understand it , them , or what they wanted but being here , learning from you and the rest , and what I feel inside of me I learned to listen to let them in and accept their blessings and teachings . " She said softly before feeling you turn and face her , lifting her hand up to your chest height . She watched you a few moments , eyes locked on your own as the question was presented and a small red tint touched her cheeks . " I was at first , then I wasn 't our schedules had not matched up Nick . " She felt her heart speed up , her hand in yours and she saw the look in your eyes , felt the comfort , and draw of your power against her own like that when they had shared the couch during a movie a while back . It was the feel she always felt around you , one she always tried to ignore and leave it at the door but it was you and she knew fighting would always be a battle she would slowly lose . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : Despite the noise , the whispers that came in waves that grew quiet then would build and crash against those who cared to listen , there was a peace to be had - not just from being here in this sacred place , but being with you . If he tried , he could think of a number of reasons for that , but the easiest was that he had no secrets from you . At times , that could be detrimental , but at other times - times like this - it was a boon . You weren 't just aware of his part to play at Carmine , you were involved . You weren 't just aware of all the crap that had gone down there in the past , and all that had gone on here at the house . You had been there , you had fought . You had been at his side . It allowed for a certain amount of shorthand , a certain … ability to skip past the bullshit . " That 's a terrible excuse . If there 's something you have to say to me or ask of me , you have my number . You know where I live . You know you can come to me or call on me . " He meant that , knew you knew he meant it . He lifted his eyes , glanced about , trying to get a fix on those spirits . There were interested in all of this of course , in these two wolves that had come to their realm , gave them something to excite themselves about . Their energy was rich with potential . " But , " he began , slowly returning his eyes to you . " I also get the distinct impression it 's more that you expect me to have something to say to you . Look , Syd , if it 's about James … " - She shifted a bit not realizing she had stepped closer to you and your form and it was nice and easy that they never kept secrets , she knew of the past , had fought with you , knew of what and who you did . She even knew of things that came and went and most of it you always shared with her in some way or another . It was something she never gave much thought and with them standing in this place , upon sacred ground she had tilted her head as your eyes scanned our over the top of her . Closing her embers she embraced the magic and let the thoughts guide her in what embrace it shared and with it came a simple knowledge that you and her were linked and bound not by blood , or truly packed , but by a friendship so deep that no matter what happened she would always have your back . It was you who had hers when no one else ever did and she had never forgotten it and her loyalty was yours to the end . Listening to your words as you spoke she lifted a slender shoulder before it dropped and she opened the rich greens and spoke softly . " I know Nick and I was wrong for trying to avoid you , I just didn 't know what to honestly say to you about me and James . . I am still not 100 % sure of him , he is great . . but Honestly there are things I am afraid will always hold me back . Things I tell myself repeatedly are not going to happen and are not something I should hope for and yet … " she paused a moment . " I just can 't " turning her eyes towards the heavens she spoke in a lower whispered tone you heard clearly . " And I know your wolf belongs to another " she said biting at her lower lip . It would never change her feelings even if she fought them . They were the same . She simply had to ignore them if she were to make the best of it . Allow you your freedoms , your choices , and even allow you your space . She knew you far to well to ever demand anything of you and she could live with that . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : You had a smile on his lips , at least . " We work and live together ; Avoiding me was never going to work , not for very long . " Yes , yes , I know . He technically lived elsewhere , but that 's besides the point , and not extremely relevant . He 'd been staying here more , recently , in the house or in the forest , and a couple of times he 'd stayed at Carmine . The cabin - except for that night Captain Giles had needed to drink himself into a stupor - had been all but empty . It wasn 't the same , and that , whilst being his fault , was a damn shame . But good . Positive , if he allowed himself to look at it that way . " And being 100 % sure of anybody is … a lot harder than it sounds , and it doesn 't sound simple . " He was trying to help . God knows why . When he heard you 'd gotten involved with James he 'd blinked more times than was necessary . Had thought that was never on the cards , but there is was . But , he guessed , before he and James had their fight , before the night where it seemed everyone settled their scores and challenges were made and met - including yours with Sam - it hadn 't been possible , perhaps . Nick knew where your loyalties lay when it came to that difference of opinions James and he had . Since then , James had quietened . As Hati - he still had authority , albeit a demotion of sorts , but he respected that , respected Mitch 's decision and the way the chips had fallen . There had been no further tousles . Not yet , anyway . It was easy to see what could have happened . Declan had paid the price of throwing his weight around , and the rules out of the window . Nick didn 't particularly understand what those things were that were holding you back , but if you were unsure about James , no - one was going to rush you , and - despite what others may think - he wasn 't about to try and talk you out of it . Just support you . Have moments like this . " My wolf , " he cleared his throat , " thinks it knows what it wants . It can sod off , if you ask me . There 's trouble and there 's trouble … " he exhaled , that beast in him stirring , getting that sense it was being defied in some way and giving off a ripple of a growl - nothing aloud - simply a reverberation of presence . " … What 's that got to do with it ? " Her own moving to console it to calm it from the riled fur of its neck . Pulling your hand up to her cheek she brush your knuckles of her face gently before kissing the back of your hand and speaking . " I know we work together , live together . We are practically always around one another Nick , it changes nothing but solves everything . It is harder than it sounds but for me I cant let certain things go that I feel . Your wolf wants another . . It simply settles for the comfort but it riles for another being and I have felt it . Everyone has when you are around that being . . Have you ever asked yourself why we have never made it to the bedroom ? Why we simply never gave into what our natural instinct is to do ? " She asked tilting her head when she looked up and continued to hold your hand . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : " It solves everything ? " He chuckled , but didn 't let that deter you from speaking the rest of your words . He wondered what you meant by that , what it solved - that you were always around each other . You went on to speak about his wolf as if this was something that you had noticed , but beyond that , that others had noticed . The smile faded , brows tugging towards each other as he frowned . Were the wants ( and needs ? ) of his wolf so transparent ? That thought bothered him . Was a timely reminder of why he and Neala needed to carry on keeping each other 's way , though . This connection of theirs that had managed to form didn 't seem to bother her as much as it once had . Ah , the good old days . " The wolf doesn 't always get what it wants , " he stated , and it was more blustery , more raw than he wanted it to be . He softened his tone , and lowered that hand of his ( and yours ) down between us . His eyes followed as he pieced together his thoughts . " The benefit of being what we are , is that we have this animal nature , and at times it 's so pure and in tune with its surroundings and desires , it can guide us if we let it , and that 's an amazing thing … " his fingers released yours , slipping from your grip too , though tracing down along the back of your hand and along your forearm , the barest of touches from calloused fingertips . " But that 's not all we are . We can think and feel in a way that they can 't , because as much as we , as I 'd love for life so be as simple as they see it , it just isn 't . There is so much more at play here than they would ever want or be able to understand . It 's a balance , " he nodded , as if to cement his point . " And it 's me that 's right this time . Not the wolf . " He 'd traced along your entire arm , then skipped your neck ( i . e . the good part ) to place a large warm hand against your cheek , his gaze having lifted to fix upon your eyes now , a steady , intense , yet calm gaze . " You know , I always thought that if I allowed myself to get closer to you than … than we are now , have been , I risked losing Sam . " He still didn 't know how right he was about that . " Not that that matters now . " This was his way of answering what you had asked of him . " Have you ? " says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - Making a face with you said it solves everything ? She heard the chuckle that fell from your lips , she groaned a bit thinking you weren 't getting what she was meaning . Watching you as you stated your point she blinked a few moments trying to understand the bite in your words before you had lowered their hand back between them . Listening to your words she tilted her head as it seemed sometimes the beast was smarter than its counterpart and in certain times like this one yours was a bit on the more know how then the complications of what life entailed . She wouldn 't say it out loud as her fingers were released and her hand fell to her side , she simply closed her eyes tot eh skitter of kisses along her heated flesh , along her forearm in a dance of like touches and she shivered not to the breeze that licked through the forest and pressed upon their above normal body temps but to the touch , the shiver , the chill that you sent and how close you were In that moment . The feel of the pull from this place . Swallowing a lump that had formed in her throat the husk in her tone and she bullshit reason of losing Sam was why you and her had never gone to bed in the since of sex had certainly caught her attention as her eyes opened and she looked into your hues . The reflection of green followed and she shook her head . " Bullshit . . Nick . . It solves everything that we are in each other 's lives . . That we work together , live together . . That we are as close as many wished to be . We don 't hold secrets from one another and this is why it solves many things that would be normal trouble for those who couldn 't see it or acknowledge what we know and share . As for you risking losing Sam is bullshit . . You were with Carmen , Cerise , Sam , and who ever else . . so No you would lose Sam to others before you would have to me unless others were not a threat and I am missing the point here ? " She said as she lowered her head a moment biting on her lower lip not truly wishing to answer that question when it was aimed back at her . She turned from you , not in the means of turning her back but simply she didn 't want you to see her expression or the hue that would rise to great extent when she spoke . Hell even having you standing so close behind her , all she had to do was lean back and she would feel you . Touch you … . " Nick I have thought about it " she started off and her voice dropped a bit . . " But to go there would mean to touch uncharted waters that could be more damaging then good . On the flip side going there could prove many things to both of us . But an act I had never touched upon . " She had fallen silent while her orbs closed once more and she felt it , the beat of her heart as it sped up and she felt herself fight against that in which she knew was holding her back … You scared her and not in the monstrous ways like many would take you for . She had seen you had your best and worst , had woken beside you after a rogue killing , had stood beside you through many dangers and fights . Had taken up a cause that was yours that you believed in and never questioned you once , though with this she could never tell you the damage you could cause her and how you could destroy her . You were her Strength and weakness at the same time . The further comments though , about Sam and the others … were a bit too close to the mark , a mark that was freshly made and still smarting , and even the wolf in him reacted to that , seeing eye - to - eye with him - on that at least - as it rankled and stirred to skulk around you . " No , you 're right on point , " his voice darkened . It wasn 't a warning , he was just … It 's complicated , and the spirits whipping around the two of you were not helping the situation any . " but it isn 't Bullshit . It 's shit . I 'll give you that , but then I 've muddied things with Sam , did that the day we crossed between mentor and lover . So you see I had my own cause for concern when you and James did the same . " He wanted to go on , but didn 't know how to explain to you how Sam had always been a part of his life here in Orlando , had been a touchstone . Over the years he could gauge his right decisions and his wrong ones from the way she reacted to him after them . Yes he 'd muddied it … but he didn 't regret the last couple of years . He just … had to hope that losing her as a lover wouldn 't mean losing her from his life . Which is what he was trying to suggest could have happened had he gotten involved with you … . and when he thought it through like that … You know , maybe it was bullshit , but he wasn 't about to share that revelation with you . You turned and for a moment he thought you were pulling away , were leaving , and it fucking lurched at his innards , brought him right back to the now and had his beast circling you , pressing you back to him . Y ' see , unreliable these beasts and their fickle ways . " My reasoning may not be sound , Syd , " he sighed , " but … no - one 's proposing that we go there . At least , I don 't think they are ? " He tried to add a smile to his tone there , and he stepped close - right up so that your back pressed against his chest , and he wrapped his arms slowly around you ( if you 'd let him ) , lay his forehead against the back of yours , the scent of you and your hair filling his nostrils . " You have James . I have … shit to figure out . I don 't see that thinking about other ways this conversation could be going will do either of us any good , so , " His hands took ahold of your upper arms and guided you to turn around , maybe even look at him if you dare . " Run with me . The spirits want some kind of a show . " says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - she didn 't realize she had truly hit on a few of the valid points until you spoke even your metaphysical beast was pushing her back . With the force the strength your words . She leaned into you and rested her head against your own , even allowed your arms to wrap about her form like that of a protection from her own self in the moment . She listened so carefully and smiled a bit hearing those words that fell from your lips . When you finally stopped for a moment and you lead her to turn around and face you she looked up to you with those soft embers . " Nick I don 't need reasons , or whys to what or how things are . I simply need you . I don 't lie to you ; I don 't expect you to lie to me . I have James at the moment because I never saw a you and I . You are my best friend , my truest and most sacred person in this world and I would follow you to hell if it meant keeping your ass alive . I know you are not one to be tied , to be held , you like your freedom , your chances , your choice to do as you please . James is much the same and believes in the whole open relationship stance . Something he learned from you . So I being with him is just a bonus to getting certain needs I have filled . It does not mean by any means he is filling the void in my life . That will never be filled but by you when it comes to what we share . " She said watching you when you spoke of running she would like that and nodded her head softly . " A run will do some good , perhaps I will even beat you this time " she teased softly . He didn 't know much of your arrangement with James but here you were going from not being 100 % about him , to being in an ' open ' relationship . It begged caution , but then so could you regarding anything to do with him . What was he thinking ? You and he . It 'd been the topic on the cards for the last little while and yet how it had gotten there escaped him for a moment . It seemed to arrive almost as soon as he 'd asked you if you 'd been ignoring him . So no , you hadn 't . But you didn 't know how to broach the topic of you and James even though you knew ( I mean , you had to know ) that he would find out about it ? His head buzzed with thoughts and with those pesky spirits swirling and mocking them both , and your wolf and his had gotten tangled up in proximity and it was a fucking good feeling . So let 's just leave it at that . Don 't pick . Don 't stir , don 't look too close . Just smile and enjoy the pretty lady and her mouth . I mean , her eyes . I mean , company . Yes , company , and her scent . He withdrew hands from your cheek , earlier words of yours coming back to him ( ' … we simply never gave into what our natural instinct is to do ' ) . Hm . Suddenly the thought of you and he getting undressed in such close proximity didn 't seem like the safest or wisest of options . He bit down on the corner of his bottom lip and let a broad , arrogant smile slowly spread over his features , and he reached to the hem of his shirt , and tugged upwards , pulling it up over his head . " Yeah , " he mused , tossing it to one side and reaching for his belt . " Good luck with that . "
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JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . says to Everyone : The full moon had come and gone and for once , it had been without incident . The pack house had welcomed in most of its brood and the forest had been alive with the energy of the pack , but now most of them were gone . I say most , however , more had stuck around than would usually . It had taken Nick by surprise , but then it was easy to forget that for some of the wolves in the Pack - regardless of a lack of presence around the house except for that mandatory visit every moon , and regardless of a social circle than involved work mates or whatever - for some of them , the pack was their only family . They may not always have wanted them , they may not always appreciate them , but it was Easter , and like they had done over Christmas and thanksgiving , there were a few faces that stuck around for longer than they technically had to . Which made the place feel more alive than it usually did . Nick , for one , appreciated that . He had wandered the house some , before stepping outside into the forest , now that night had fallen and the new moon was peeking out from behind clouds . It was all to easy to remember the ones that weren 't here , when there were others that were . He tried to keeps his thoughts on the positive side of things , but the spirits were close , as they had been so often recently , and they liked memories , as though they were a currency with them . Mirela had visited , before the moon , and had said something of that sort . She was a strange fish , that one , but she enjoyed being connected to the pack here now that she had made Orlando her home . Despite her lineage , Nick couldn 't see any harm in her . If he didn 't , few others would . Mitch couldn 't recall the last time the pack had a vargamor in their number , so although she was yet to officially fill that capacity , the notion has been floated for consideration . He walked , his feet bare , his senses attuned , but even so , his hands shoved into his pockets . The quiet was pleasant . There were too many times recently that his world had seemed far , far too noisy . says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - Silence filled the nightly air , the shifting was nice , the family was back on the mends and it was one of those times where Syd enjoyed being home more than out . James had gone to play some pool with some of the boys while the blonde decided to stay at the house and mingle . Grabbing up a beer from the fridge she popped the top and headed out back . She felt him , his presences , his wolf , his being and she froze the moment she hit the back yard . Her eyes fell to the ground as she had sorta avoided him and Declan the past few weeks . Trying to figure out if things were set to the marker of her own mind but avoidance among them would never last . Sucking at the long neck bottle in hand she followed Nick 's scent into the woods . Her emerald hues flashing with gold flakes as she moved with silence . The soft squish of the earth beneath her feet sank between her toes . The silence of the forest heighten her hearing , all her senses were on alert , heading deeper into where it was sacred for them . Leaning against a trunk of a tree she closed her eyes to just listen to feel the call of the ancestors as they pushed the memory of the dead around sent the chills of the evening to crawl along her skin . It was warm yet a breeze danced through the trees and she let out a low sigh . Her mind thinking over the past and how they all got to this point . A smile placid upon her velvet lips . she was happy for once , truly at peace with all around and even loved being home again . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : You were never really alone in the forest . The pack had a large enough area of land , and enough of them living there that at any one point there was bound to be another of them out there somewhere , whether you knew it or not . That was before you took into account the various other animals that lived out there . The insects and birds paid little attention , but the other wildlife sensed Nick coming and gave him a wide berth , despite his human form . He wasn 't being overly careful with his scent or the reach of his presence . Let them all know he was here . It was a relief to do it . The whispers of the munin spirits grew louder - not that you could focus on a particular direction for any of them , they were just there - the closer he got to the Lupanar . It wasn 't his set destination but the way he walked always seemed to coincide with that place . Perhaps because the opposite direction when leaving the house led towards the old wooder 's huts , and the memories he associated with that place were unsavoury . He tried to clear his mind , leave thoughts of those things behind , and cast away thoughts of the club , of Tyler / Ryan et al , thoughts of his cabin or of Neala , but it was hard to clear your mind , truly . There was always something , desperate to fill the space left by some other thing . His steps faltered and he turned his head . He was being followed . On instinct , his shields closed around his beast and those whispers died abruptly , leaving only the sounds of the forest at night . He ducked right and stayed downwind and he circled around . By the time he reached you , you had , in fact , stopped , and were resting against a tree trunk . He approached without a sound , after a teensy - weensy deliberation about whether or not to disturb you , and , from behind the tree , wrapped his arms around it and covered your eyes with his hands . says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - Her heart beat was steady , not low or over active , simply strong and steady and she was calm . She didn 't necessarily follow you not in the sense of stalking , simply liked your idea of just walking being in the place that seemed to calm the soul . Her beast was relaxed and sated , when you had threw up your shields she had looked around for the danger she was sure to follow her body tensed her metaphysical beast was on guard . With no sounds coming her way she continued to lean upon the trunk closing her embers once more to allow for the forest to fill her sense . To see it through her beast 's eyes . Though the darkness poured in when your hands covered her eyes and she sniffed , a low whimper escaped her lips she knew by the beating of your heart , the makeup of who you were and the feel of those hands upon her eyes it was you . Her heart had started to pick up pace , fingers brush over your own as she brushed the knuckles of your hands . " You know for a man of Surprises you fail in the approach of being recognized " She teased softly . She held herself bound to the tree a few moments unsure of what intentions either of them had and with a soft parting giggle and knowing your hands weren 't tight upon her face . She wiggled her way free before feet fell upon the earth and she took off in a run , nothing fast or she was afraid , simply took to the woods surrounding them . " You coming " She called over her shoulder feeling the freedom that made her feel alive . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : So he was a man of surprises ? You probably would 've liked to have seen his face when you uttered that one , but , unfortunately for you , your eyes were covered at that point . He released his shields then letting that familiar presence just spread it 's warmth and power around the area we were in , not particularly targeting you , but you and he had physical contact , it would be difficult to avoid , so why try ? " Who said I didn 't want to be recognised ? " He laughed gently as you pulled away , and he lowered his arms and rounded the tree . " Just checking how aware you are of your surroundings . " Perhaps making sure that all that James had been teaching you wasn 't being forgotten now that James was doing more than just teaching you . Off you ran , and it wasn 't the kind of escaping dash that would trigger that CHASE instinct , but it pulled at him anyway . Maybe you had been following him , maybe you hadn 't , but he 'd become aware of you and sought out your company , and here you were abandoning him . Can 't be having that . " Already there , " he muttered to the wind , and his feet were carrying him forward , drawn to action , and he was ducking and weaving through the trees to draw up next to you . His shields down , those whispers were there again , a flurry of noise and excitement now that the two wolves were running amongst them . He didn 't question if you were aware of them , just accepted it as a thing . " Anywhere in particular ? " He smirked , offering you lead in this little jog of ours , even as he rounded a large fallen tree , navigating this territory of ours with ease . He wondered if you 'd venture to the lupanar , in the same way that it always pulled at him . It was true that he had found you there before . says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - She had heard your words and the laugh that peeled over her flesh like that of a soft trail of butterfly kisses . She had been very aware of what was around her and she fed off your wolf , when your shields went into place she waited , counted and even could sense you peeling back towards her , she even gave in to the whispers , the calls , the voices of the lupanar as it reached out to her . She was learning so much and felt the joy of the moments lately . Looking back when she had took of she felt you close to her when you caught up and they were headed to the Lupanar it always called to her , spoke to her , pulled her in the warmth of its embrace and welcomed her being . Stopping when you asked anywhere in particular she smiled and took your hand as they headed deeper into the woods . The other creatures gave them more room then was needed and she began to walk with ease once they reached the place . The luminance of light between scattered branches gave way to the beauty that was held here . Her heart was beating and with your shields dropped she felt herself bath in the comfort of you once more . Turning she looked to you , those soft emeralds falling on your features she tilts her head and speaking once more . " I am aware of the settings about us , I am aware of everything that binds us and it is in this spot that makes the bad of the world fade and all of us become one . They speak to me Nick , do they ever call to you ? " She asked curiously standing there squishing her toes in to the earth and feeling the magic shift through her form says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : The lupanar it was , and his smile broadened on his lips as you took his hand and led him through the trees into the natural clearing , where the large crescent rock formation nestled amongst the treeline at one edge of the clearing had become the focal point for that gathering of munin . The spirits of their fallen pack mates . For how long this had been where there bodies had been brought , had been committed to pack memory , he didn 't know . Many of the spirits here were wolves he would never ever have known , that predated his time here - and that of most of the wolves currently in residence . There were some , though , too many , that he had known . To say ' Rest in Peace ' seemed out of place , because here they were : anything but peaceful . You waxed poetic as you spoke , and it warmed him . You had that way about you sometimes . Call it a quirk of character . To those that didn 't know you it wouldn 't fit what they thought of you , but he knew you , had seen this side of your nature . " They rarely shut up , " he murmured quietly . " used to be , it bothered me . Either it stopped creeping me out , or I got used to it . I don 't know which . " So it wasn 't just him then , that 's good . Not all of the wolves could sense them , or at least , sense them for what they were - beyond a mere breeze of energy . He turned his attention on you , and he faced you , lifting his hand - with yours attached - to chest height . " So you 're not ignoring me ? " He didn 't want to talk work . Perhaps that was inescapable . But this was hardly just a work thing , was it ? says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - She had closed her eyes and tilted her head into the moment , feeling the soft breeze upon her flesh as it raked along her skin and rose the bumps . She was taking in those of fallen pack , those of past and present those she knew and didn 't and in it she had learned so much , craved their knowledge and protection . Once she had longed stop fighting and learn to listen she realized the sanctity of their home and people . Learned that without this place and without the pack she had nothing would simply be a being who was trying to survive in a world where chaos and hatred was stronger than love and memories . Opening her embers she looked to you a moment as you gave her a murmured response and she chuckled softly . The honey tone filled the air about them . Shaking those long blonde locks from her face as she seemed to truly relax around you she gave more and more of her docile nature , the curious chic who had a softer side to the bitch she showed to all . She was simply a harden shell keeping those away she didn 't want close , kept herself from being crushed when it truly matter . " I at first didn 't understand it , them , or what they wanted but being here , learning from you and the rest , and what I feel inside of me I learned to listen to let them in and accept their blessings and teachings . " She said softly before feeling you turn and face her , lifting her hand up to your chest height . She watched you a few moments , eyes locked on your own as the question was presented and a small red tint touched her cheeks . " I was at first , then I wasn 't our schedules had not matched up Nick . " She felt her heart speed up , her hand in yours and she saw the look in your eyes , felt the comfort , and draw of your power against her own like that when they had shared the couch during a movie a while back . It was the feel she always felt around you , one she always tried to ignore and leave it at the door but it was you and she knew fighting would always be a battle she would slowly lose . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : Despite the noise , the whispers that came in waves that grew quiet then would build and crash against those who cared to listen , there was a peace to be had - not just from being here in this sacred place , but being with you . If he tried , he could think of a number of reasons for that , but the easiest was that he had no secrets from you . At times , that could be detrimental , but at other times - times like this - it was a boon . You weren 't just aware of his part to play at Carmine , you were involved . You weren 't just aware of all the crap that had gone down there in the past , and all that had gone on here at the house . You had been there , you had fought . You had been at his side . It allowed for a certain amount of shorthand , a certain … ability to skip past the bullshit . " That 's a terrible excuse . If there 's something you have to say to me or ask of me , you have my number . You know where I live . You know you can come to me or call on me . " He meant that , knew you knew he meant it . He lifted his eyes , glanced about , trying to get a fix on those spirits . There were interested in all of this of course , in these two wolves that had come to their realm , gave them something to excite themselves about . Their energy was rich with potential . " But , " he began , slowly returning his eyes to you . " I also get the distinct impression it 's more that you expect me to have something to say to you . Look , Syd , if it 's about James … " - She shifted a bit not realizing she had stepped closer to you and your form and it was nice and easy that they never kept secrets , she knew of the past , had fought with you , knew of what and who you did . She even knew of things that came and went and most of it you always shared with her in some way or another . It was something she never gave much thought and with them standing in this place , upon sacred ground she had tilted her head as your eyes scanned our over the top of her . Closing her embers she embraced the magic and let the thoughts guide her in what embrace it shared and with it came a simple knowledge that you and her were linked and bound not by blood , or truly packed , but by a friendship so deep that no matter what happened she would always have your back . It was you who had hers when no one else ever did and she had never forgotten it and her loyalty was yours to the end . Listening to your words as you spoke she lifted a slender shoulder before it dropped and she opened the rich greens and spoke softly . " I know Nick and I was wrong for trying to avoid you , I just didn 't know what to honestly say to you about me and James . . I am still not 100 % sure of him , he is great . . but Honestly there are things I am afraid will always hold me back . Things I tell myself repeatedly are not going to happen and are not something I should hope for and yet … " she paused a moment . " I just can 't " turning her eyes towards the heavens she spoke in a lower whispered tone you heard clearly . " And I know your wolf belongs to another " she said biting at her lower lip . It would never change her feelings even if she fought them . They were the same . She simply had to ignore them if she were to make the best of it . Allow you your freedoms , your choices , and even allow you your space . She knew you far to well to ever demand anything of you and she could live with that . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : You had a smile on his lips , at least . " We work and live together ; Avoiding me was never going to work , not for very long . " Yes , yes , I know . He technically lived elsewhere , but that 's besides the point , and not extremely relevant . He 'd been staying here more , recently , in the house or in the forest , and a couple of times he 'd stayed at Carmine . The cabin - except for that night Captain Giles had needed to drink himself into a stupor - had been all but empty . It wasn 't the same , and that , whilst being his fault , was a damn shame . But good . Positive , if he allowed himself to look at it that way . " And being 100 % sure of anybody is … a lot harder than it sounds , and it doesn 't sound simple . " He was trying to help . God knows why . When he heard you 'd gotten involved with James he 'd blinked more times than was necessary . Had thought that was never on the cards , but there is was . But , he guessed , before he and James had their fight , before the night where it seemed everyone settled their scores and challenges were made and met - including yours with Sam - it hadn 't been possible , perhaps . Nick knew where your loyalties lay when it came to that difference of opinions James and he had . Since then , James had quietened . As Hati - he still had authority , albeit a demotion of sorts , but he respected that , respected Mitch 's decision and the way the chips had fallen . There had been no further tousles . Not yet , anyway . It was easy to see what could have happened . Declan had paid the price of throwing his weight around , and the rules out of the window . Nick didn 't particularly understand what those things were that were holding you back , but if you were unsure about James , no - one was going to rush you , and - despite what others may think - he wasn 't about to try and talk you out of it . Just support you . Have moments like this . " My wolf , " he cleared his throat , " thinks it knows what it wants . It can sod off , if you ask me . There 's trouble and there 's trouble … " he exhaled , that beast in him stirring , getting that sense it was being defied in some way and giving off a ripple of a growl - nothing aloud - simply a reverberation of presence . " … What 's that got to do with it ? " Her own moving to console it to calm it from the riled fur of its neck . Pulling your hand up to her cheek she brush your knuckles of her face gently before kissing the back of your hand and speaking . " I know we work together , live together . We are practically always around one another Nick , it changes nothing but solves everything . It is harder than it sounds but for me I cant let certain things go that I feel . Your wolf wants another . . It simply settles for the comfort but it riles for another being and I have felt it . Everyone has when you are around that being . . Have you ever asked yourself why we have never made it to the bedroom ? Why we simply never gave into what our natural instinct is to do ? " She asked tilting her head when she looked up and continued to hold your hand . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : " It solves everything ? " He chuckled , but didn 't let that deter you from speaking the rest of your words . He wondered what you meant by that , what it solved - that you were always around each other . You went on to speak about his wolf as if this was something that you had noticed , but beyond that , that others had noticed . The smile faded , brows tugging towards each other as he frowned . Were the wants ( and needs ? ) of his wolf so transparent ? That thought bothered him . Was a timely reminder of why he and Neala needed to carry on keeping each other 's way , though . This connection of theirs that had managed to form didn 't seem to bother her as much as it once had . Ah , the good old days . " The wolf doesn 't always get what it wants , " he stated , and it was more blustery , more raw than he wanted it to be . He softened his tone , and lowered that hand of his ( and yours ) down between us . His eyes followed as he pieced together his thoughts . " The benefit of being what we are , is that we have this animal nature , and at times it 's so pure and in tune with its surroundings and desires , it can guide us if we let it , and that 's an amazing thing … " his fingers released yours , slipping from your grip too , though tracing down along the back of your hand and along your forearm , the barest of touches from calloused fingertips . " But that 's not all we are . We can think and feel in a way that they can 't , because as much as we , as I 'd love for life so be as simple as they see it , it just isn 't . There is so much more at play here than they would ever want or be able to understand . It 's a balance , " he nodded , as if to cement his point . " And it 's me that 's right this time . Not the wolf . " He 'd traced along your entire arm , then skipped your neck ( i . e . the good part ) to place a large warm hand against your cheek , his gaze having lifted to fix upon your eyes now , a steady , intense , yet calm gaze . " You know , I always thought that if I allowed myself to get closer to you than … than we are now , have been , I risked losing Sam . " He still didn 't know how right he was about that . " Not that that matters now . " This was his way of answering what you had asked of him . " Have you ? " says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - Making a face with you said it solves everything ? She heard the chuckle that fell from your lips , she groaned a bit thinking you weren 't getting what she was meaning . Watching you as you stated your point she blinked a few moments trying to understand the bite in your words before you had lowered their hand back between them . Listening to your words she tilted her head as it seemed sometimes the beast was smarter than its counterpart and in certain times like this one yours was a bit on the more know how then the complications of what life entailed . She wouldn 't say it out loud as her fingers were released and her hand fell to her side , she simply closed her eyes tot eh skitter of kisses along her heated flesh , along her forearm in a dance of like touches and she shivered not to the breeze that licked through the forest and pressed upon their above normal body temps but to the touch , the shiver , the chill that you sent and how close you were In that moment . The feel of the pull from this place . Swallowing a lump that had formed in her throat the husk in her tone and she bullshit reason of losing Sam was why you and her had never gone to bed in the since of sex had certainly caught her attention as her eyes opened and she looked into your hues . The reflection of green followed and she shook her head . " Bullshit . . Nick . . It solves everything that we are in each other 's lives . . That we work together , live together . . That we are as close as many wished to be . We don 't hold secrets from one another and this is why it solves many things that would be normal trouble for those who couldn 't see it or acknowledge what we know and share . As for you risking losing Sam is bullshit . . You were with Carmen , Cerise , Sam , and who ever else . . so No you would lose Sam to others before you would have to me unless others were not a threat and I am missing the point here ? " She said as she lowered her head a moment biting on her lower lip not truly wishing to answer that question when it was aimed back at her . She turned from you , not in the means of turning her back but simply she didn 't want you to see her expression or the hue that would rise to great extent when she spoke . Hell even having you standing so close behind her , all she had to do was lean back and she would feel you . Touch you … . " Nick I have thought about it " she started off and her voice dropped a bit . . " But to go there would mean to touch uncharted waters that could be more damaging then good . On the flip side going there could prove many things to both of us . But an act I had never touched upon . " She had fallen silent while her orbs closed once more and she felt it , the beat of her heart as it sped up and she felt herself fight against that in which she knew was holding her back … You scared her and not in the monstrous ways like many would take you for . She had seen you had your best and worst , had woken beside you after a rogue killing , had stood beside you through many dangers and fights . Had taken up a cause that was yours that you believed in and never questioned you once , though with this she could never tell you the damage you could cause her and how you could destroy her . You were her Strength and weakness at the same time . The further comments though , about Sam and the others … were a bit too close to the mark , a mark that was freshly made and still smarting , and even the wolf in him reacted to that , seeing eye - to - eye with him - on that at least - as it rankled and stirred to skulk around you . " No , you 're right on point , " his voice darkened . It wasn 't a warning , he was just … It 's complicated , and the spirits whipping around the two of you were not helping the situation any . " but it isn 't Bullshit . It 's shit . I 'll give you that , but then I 've muddied things with Sam , did that the day we crossed between mentor and lover . So you see I had my own cause for concern when you and James did the same . " He wanted to go on , but didn 't know how to explain to you how Sam had always been a part of his life here in Orlando , had been a touchstone . Over the years he could gauge his right decisions and his wrong ones from the way she reacted to him after them . Yes he 'd muddied it … but he didn 't regret the last couple of years . He just … had to hope that losing her as a lover wouldn 't mean losing her from his life . Which is what he was trying to suggest could have happened had he gotten involved with you … . and when he thought it through like that … You know , maybe it was bullshit , but he wasn 't about to share that revelation with you . You turned and for a moment he thought you were pulling away , were leaving , and it fucking lurched at his innards , brought him right back to the now and had his beast circling you , pressing you back to him . Y ' see , unreliable these beasts and their fickle ways . " My reasoning may not be sound , Syd , " he sighed , " but … no - one 's proposing that we go there . At least , I don 't think they are ? " He tried to add a smile to his tone there , and he stepped close - right up so that your back pressed against his chest , and he wrapped his arms slowly around you ( if you 'd let him ) , lay his forehead against the back of yours , the scent of you and your hair filling his nostrils . " You have James . I have … shit to figure out . I don 't see that thinking about other ways this conversation could be going will do either of us any good , so , " His hands took ahold of your upper arms and guided you to turn around , maybe even look at him if you dare . " Run with me . The spirits want some kind of a show . " says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - she didn 't realize she had truly hit on a few of the valid points until you spoke even your metaphysical beast was pushing her back . With the force the strength your words . She leaned into you and rested her head against your own , even allowed your arms to wrap about her form like that of a protection from her own self in the moment . She listened so carefully and smiled a bit hearing those words that fell from your lips . When you finally stopped for a moment and you lead her to turn around and face you she looked up to you with those soft embers . " Nick I don 't need reasons , or whys to what or how things are . I simply need you . I don 't lie to you ; I don 't expect you to lie to me . I have James at the moment because I never saw a you and I . You are my best friend , my truest and most sacred person in this world and I would follow you to hell if it meant keeping your ass alive . I know you are not one to be tied , to be held , you like your freedom , your chances , your choice to do as you please . James is much the same and believes in the whole open relationship stance . Something he learned from you . So I being with him is just a bonus to getting certain needs I have filled . It does not mean by any means he is filling the void in my life . That will never be filled but by you when it comes to what we share . " She said watching you when you spoke of running she would like that and nodded her head softly . " A run will do some good , perhaps I will even beat you this time " she teased softly . He didn 't know much of your arrangement with James but here you were going from not being 100 % about him , to being in an ' open ' relationship . It begged caution , but then so could you regarding anything to do with him . What was he thinking ? You and he . It 'd been the topic on the cards for the last little while and yet how it had gotten there escaped him for a moment . It seemed to arrive almost as soon as he 'd asked you if you 'd been ignoring him . So no , you hadn 't . But you didn 't know how to broach the topic of you and James even though you knew ( I mean , you had to know ) that he would find out about it ? His head buzzed with thoughts and with those pesky spirits swirling and mocking them both , and your wolf and his had gotten tangled up in proximity and it was a fucking good feeling . So let 's just leave it at that . Don 't pick . Don 't stir , don 't look too close . Just smile and enjoy the pretty lady and her mouth . I mean , her eyes . I mean , company . Yes , company , and her scent . He withdrew hands from your cheek , earlier words of yours coming back to him ( ' … we simply never gave into what our natural instinct is to do ' ) . Hm . Suddenly the thought of you and he getting undressed in such close proximity didn 't seem like the safest or wisest of options . He bit down on the corner of his bottom lip and let a broad , arrogant smile slowly spread over his features , and he reached to the hem of his shirt , and tugged upwards , pulling it up over his head . " Yeah , " he mused , tossing it to one side and reaching for his belt . " Good luck with that . "
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JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . says to Everyone : The full moon had come and gone and for once , it had been without incident . The pack house had welcomed in most of its brood and the forest had been alive with the energy of the pack , but now most of them were gone . I say most , however , more had stuck around than would usually . It had taken Nick by surprise , but then it was easy to forget that for some of the wolves in the Pack - regardless of a lack of presence around the house except for that mandatory visit every moon , and regardless of a social circle than involved work mates or whatever - for some of them , the pack was their only family . They may not always have wanted them , they may not always appreciate them , but it was Easter , and like they had done over Christmas and thanksgiving , there were a few faces that stuck around for longer than they technically had to . Which made the place feel more alive than it usually did . Nick , for one , appreciated that . He had wandered the house some , before stepping outside into the forest , now that night had fallen and the new moon was peeking out from behind clouds . It was all to easy to remember the ones that weren 't here , when there were others that were . He tried to keeps his thoughts on the positive side of things , but the spirits were close , as they had been so often recently , and they liked memories , as though they were a currency with them . Mirela had visited , before the moon , and had said something of that sort . She was a strange fish , that one , but she enjoyed being connected to the pack here now that she had made Orlando her home . Despite her lineage , Nick couldn 't see any harm in her . If he didn 't , few others would . Mitch couldn 't recall the last time the pack had a vargamor in their number , so although she was yet to officially fill that capacity , the notion has been floated for consideration . He walked , his feet bare , his senses attuned , but even so , his hands shoved into his pockets . The quiet was pleasant . There were too many times recently that his world had seemed far , far too noisy . says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - Silence filled the nightly air , the shifting was nice , the family was back on the mends and it was one of those times where Syd enjoyed being home more than out . James had gone to play some pool with some of the boys while the blonde decided to stay at the house and mingle . Grabbing up a beer from the fridge she popped the top and headed out back . She felt him , his presences , his wolf , his being and she froze the moment she hit the back yard . Her eyes fell to the ground as she had sorta avoided him and Declan the past few weeks . Trying to figure out if things were set to the marker of her own mind but avoidance among them would never last . Sucking at the long neck bottle in hand she followed Nick 's scent into the woods . Her emerald hues flashing with gold flakes as she moved with silence . The soft squish of the earth beneath her feet sank between her toes . The silence of the forest heighten her hearing , all her senses were on alert , heading deeper into where it was sacred for them . Leaning against a trunk of a tree she closed her eyes to just listen to feel the call of the ancestors as they pushed the memory of the dead around sent the chills of the evening to crawl along her skin . It was warm yet a breeze danced through the trees and she let out a low sigh . Her mind thinking over the past and how they all got to this point . A smile placid upon her velvet lips . she was happy for once , truly at peace with all around and even loved being home again . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : You were never really alone in the forest . The pack had a large enough area of land , and enough of them living there that at any one point there was bound to be another of them out there somewhere , whether you knew it or not . That was before you took into account the various other animals that lived out there . The insects and birds paid little attention , but the other wildlife sensed Nick coming and gave him a wide berth , despite his human form . He wasn 't being overly careful with his scent or the reach of his presence . Let them all know he was here . It was a relief to do it . The whispers of the munin spirits grew louder - not that you could focus on a particular direction for any of them , they were just there - the closer he got to the Lupanar . It wasn 't his set destination but the way he walked always seemed to coincide with that place . Perhaps because the opposite direction when leaving the house led towards the old wooder 's huts , and the memories he associated with that place were unsavoury . He tried to clear his mind , leave thoughts of those things behind , and cast away thoughts of the club , of Tyler / Ryan et al , thoughts of his cabin or of Neala , but it was hard to clear your mind , truly . There was always something , desperate to fill the space left by some other thing . His steps faltered and he turned his head . He was being followed . On instinct , his shields closed around his beast and those whispers died abruptly , leaving only the sounds of the forest at night . He ducked right and stayed downwind and he circled around . By the time he reached you , you had , in fact , stopped , and were resting against a tree trunk . He approached without a sound , after a teensy - weensy deliberation about whether or not to disturb you , and , from behind the tree , wrapped his arms around it and covered your eyes with his hands . says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - Her heart beat was steady , not low or over active , simply strong and steady and she was calm . She didn 't necessarily follow you not in the sense of stalking , simply liked your idea of just walking being in the place that seemed to calm the soul . Her beast was relaxed and sated , when you had threw up your shields she had looked around for the danger she was sure to follow her body tensed her metaphysical beast was on guard . With no sounds coming her way she continued to lean upon the trunk closing her embers once more to allow for the forest to fill her sense . To see it through her beast 's eyes . Though the darkness poured in when your hands covered her eyes and she sniffed , a low whimper escaped her lips she knew by the beating of your heart , the makeup of who you were and the feel of those hands upon her eyes it was you . Her heart had started to pick up pace , fingers brush over your own as she brushed the knuckles of your hands . " You know for a man of Surprises you fail in the approach of being recognized " She teased softly . She held herself bound to the tree a few moments unsure of what intentions either of them had and with a soft parting giggle and knowing your hands weren 't tight upon her face . She wiggled her way free before feet fell upon the earth and she took off in a run , nothing fast or she was afraid , simply took to the woods surrounding them . " You coming " She called over her shoulder feeling the freedom that made her feel alive . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : So he was a man of surprises ? You probably would 've liked to have seen his face when you uttered that one , but , unfortunately for you , your eyes were covered at that point . He released his shields then letting that familiar presence just spread it 's warmth and power around the area we were in , not particularly targeting you , but you and he had physical contact , it would be difficult to avoid , so why try ? " Who said I didn 't want to be recognised ? " He laughed gently as you pulled away , and he lowered his arms and rounded the tree . " Just checking how aware you are of your surroundings . " Perhaps making sure that all that James had been teaching you wasn 't being forgotten now that James was doing more than just teaching you . Off you ran , and it wasn 't the kind of escaping dash that would trigger that CHASE instinct , but it pulled at him anyway . Maybe you had been following him , maybe you hadn 't , but he 'd become aware of you and sought out your company , and here you were abandoning him . Can 't be having that . " Already there , " he muttered to the wind , and his feet were carrying him forward , drawn to action , and he was ducking and weaving through the trees to draw up next to you . His shields down , those whispers were there again , a flurry of noise and excitement now that the two wolves were running amongst them . He didn 't question if you were aware of them , just accepted it as a thing . " Anywhere in particular ? " He smirked , offering you lead in this little jog of ours , even as he rounded a large fallen tree , navigating this territory of ours with ease . He wondered if you 'd venture to the lupanar , in the same way that it always pulled at him . It was true that he had found you there before . says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - She had heard your words and the laugh that peeled over her flesh like that of a soft trail of butterfly kisses . She had been very aware of what was around her and she fed off your wolf , when your shields went into place she waited , counted and even could sense you peeling back towards her , she even gave in to the whispers , the calls , the voices of the lupanar as it reached out to her . She was learning so much and felt the joy of the moments lately . Looking back when she had took of she felt you close to her when you caught up and they were headed to the Lupanar it always called to her , spoke to her , pulled her in the warmth of its embrace and welcomed her being . Stopping when you asked anywhere in particular she smiled and took your hand as they headed deeper into the woods . The other creatures gave them more room then was needed and she began to walk with ease once they reached the place . The luminance of light between scattered branches gave way to the beauty that was held here . Her heart was beating and with your shields dropped she felt herself bath in the comfort of you once more . Turning she looked to you , those soft emeralds falling on your features she tilts her head and speaking once more . " I am aware of the settings about us , I am aware of everything that binds us and it is in this spot that makes the bad of the world fade and all of us become one . They speak to me Nick , do they ever call to you ? " She asked curiously standing there squishing her toes in to the earth and feeling the magic shift through her form says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : The lupanar it was , and his smile broadened on his lips as you took his hand and led him through the trees into the natural clearing , where the large crescent rock formation nestled amongst the treeline at one edge of the clearing had become the focal point for that gathering of munin . The spirits of their fallen pack mates . For how long this had been where there bodies had been brought , had been committed to pack memory , he didn 't know . Many of the spirits here were wolves he would never ever have known , that predated his time here - and that of most of the wolves currently in residence . There were some , though , too many , that he had known . To say ' Rest in Peace ' seemed out of place , because here they were : anything but peaceful . You waxed poetic as you spoke , and it warmed him . You had that way about you sometimes . Call it a quirk of character . To those that didn 't know you it wouldn 't fit what they thought of you , but he knew you , had seen this side of your nature . " They rarely shut up , " he murmured quietly . " used to be , it bothered me . Either it stopped creeping me out , or I got used to it . I don 't know which . " So it wasn 't just him then , that 's good . Not all of the wolves could sense them , or at least , sense them for what they were - beyond a mere breeze of energy . He turned his attention on you , and he faced you , lifting his hand - with yours attached - to chest height . " So you 're not ignoring me ? " He didn 't want to talk work . Perhaps that was inescapable . But this was hardly just a work thing , was it ? says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - She had closed her eyes and tilted her head into the moment , feeling the soft breeze upon her flesh as it raked along her skin and rose the bumps . She was taking in those of fallen pack , those of past and present those she knew and didn 't and in it she had learned so much , craved their knowledge and protection . Once she had longed stop fighting and learn to listen she realized the sanctity of their home and people . Learned that without this place and without the pack she had nothing would simply be a being who was trying to survive in a world where chaos and hatred was stronger than love and memories . Opening her embers she looked to you a moment as you gave her a murmured response and she chuckled softly . The honey tone filled the air about them . Shaking those long blonde locks from her face as she seemed to truly relax around you she gave more and more of her docile nature , the curious chic who had a softer side to the bitch she showed to all . She was simply a harden shell keeping those away she didn 't want close , kept herself from being crushed when it truly matter . " I at first didn 't understand it , them , or what they wanted but being here , learning from you and the rest , and what I feel inside of me I learned to listen to let them in and accept their blessings and teachings . " She said softly before feeling you turn and face her , lifting her hand up to your chest height . She watched you a few moments , eyes locked on your own as the question was presented and a small red tint touched her cheeks . " I was at first , then I wasn 't our schedules had not matched up Nick . " She felt her heart speed up , her hand in yours and she saw the look in your eyes , felt the comfort , and draw of your power against her own like that when they had shared the couch during a movie a while back . It was the feel she always felt around you , one she always tried to ignore and leave it at the door but it was you and she knew fighting would always be a battle she would slowly lose . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : Despite the noise , the whispers that came in waves that grew quiet then would build and crash against those who cared to listen , there was a peace to be had - not just from being here in this sacred place , but being with you . If he tried , he could think of a number of reasons for that , but the easiest was that he had no secrets from you . At times , that could be detrimental , but at other times - times like this - it was a boon . You weren 't just aware of his part to play at Carmine , you were involved . You weren 't just aware of all the crap that had gone down there in the past , and all that had gone on here at the house . You had been there , you had fought . You had been at his side . It allowed for a certain amount of shorthand , a certain … ability to skip past the bullshit . " That 's a terrible excuse . If there 's something you have to say to me or ask of me , you have my number . You know where I live . You know you can come to me or call on me . " He meant that , knew you knew he meant it . He lifted his eyes , glanced about , trying to get a fix on those spirits . There were interested in all of this of course , in these two wolves that had come to their realm , gave them something to excite themselves about . Their energy was rich with potential . " But , " he began , slowly returning his eyes to you . " I also get the distinct impression it 's more that you expect me to have something to say to you . Look , Syd , if it 's about James … " - She shifted a bit not realizing she had stepped closer to you and your form and it was nice and easy that they never kept secrets , she knew of the past , had fought with you , knew of what and who you did . She even knew of things that came and went and most of it you always shared with her in some way or another . It was something she never gave much thought and with them standing in this place , upon sacred ground she had tilted her head as your eyes scanned our over the top of her . Closing her embers she embraced the magic and let the thoughts guide her in what embrace it shared and with it came a simple knowledge that you and her were linked and bound not by blood , or truly packed , but by a friendship so deep that no matter what happened she would always have your back . It was you who had hers when no one else ever did and she had never forgotten it and her loyalty was yours to the end . Listening to your words as you spoke she lifted a slender shoulder before it dropped and she opened the rich greens and spoke softly . " I know Nick and I was wrong for trying to avoid you , I just didn 't know what to honestly say to you about me and James . . I am still not 100 % sure of him , he is great . . but Honestly there are things I am afraid will always hold me back . Things I tell myself repeatedly are not going to happen and are not something I should hope for and yet … " she paused a moment . " I just can 't " turning her eyes towards the heavens she spoke in a lower whispered tone you heard clearly . " And I know your wolf belongs to another " she said biting at her lower lip . It would never change her feelings even if she fought them . They were the same . She simply had to ignore them if she were to make the best of it . Allow you your freedoms , your choices , and even allow you your space . She knew you far to well to ever demand anything of you and she could live with that . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : You had a smile on his lips , at least . " We work and live together ; Avoiding me was never going to work , not for very long . " Yes , yes , I know . He technically lived elsewhere , but that 's besides the point , and not extremely relevant . He 'd been staying here more , recently , in the house or in the forest , and a couple of times he 'd stayed at Carmine . The cabin - except for that night Captain Giles had needed to drink himself into a stupor - had been all but empty . It wasn 't the same , and that , whilst being his fault , was a damn shame . But good . Positive , if he allowed himself to look at it that way . " And being 100 % sure of anybody is … a lot harder than it sounds , and it doesn 't sound simple . " He was trying to help . God knows why . When he heard you 'd gotten involved with James he 'd blinked more times than was necessary . Had thought that was never on the cards , but there is was . But , he guessed , before he and James had their fight , before the night where it seemed everyone settled their scores and challenges were made and met - including yours with Sam - it hadn 't been possible , perhaps . Nick knew where your loyalties lay when it came to that difference of opinions James and he had . Since then , James had quietened . As Hati - he still had authority , albeit a demotion of sorts , but he respected that , respected Mitch 's decision and the way the chips had fallen . There had been no further tousles . Not yet , anyway . It was easy to see what could have happened . Declan had paid the price of throwing his weight around , and the rules out of the window . Nick didn 't particularly understand what those things were that were holding you back , but if you were unsure about James , no - one was going to rush you , and - despite what others may think - he wasn 't about to try and talk you out of it . Just support you . Have moments like this . " My wolf , " he cleared his throat , " thinks it knows what it wants . It can sod off , if you ask me . There 's trouble and there 's trouble … " he exhaled , that beast in him stirring , getting that sense it was being defied in some way and giving off a ripple of a growl - nothing aloud - simply a reverberation of presence . " … What 's that got to do with it ? " Her own moving to console it to calm it from the riled fur of its neck . Pulling your hand up to her cheek she brush your knuckles of her face gently before kissing the back of your hand and speaking . " I know we work together , live together . We are practically always around one another Nick , it changes nothing but solves everything . It is harder than it sounds but for me I cant let certain things go that I feel . Your wolf wants another . . It simply settles for the comfort but it riles for another being and I have felt it . Everyone has when you are around that being . . Have you ever asked yourself why we have never made it to the bedroom ? Why we simply never gave into what our natural instinct is to do ? " She asked tilting her head when she looked up and continued to hold your hand . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : " It solves everything ? " He chuckled , but didn 't let that deter you from speaking the rest of your words . He wondered what you meant by that , what it solved - that you were always around each other . You went on to speak about his wolf as if this was something that you had noticed , but beyond that , that others had noticed . The smile faded , brows tugging towards each other as he frowned . Were the wants ( and needs ? ) of his wolf so transparent ? That thought bothered him . Was a timely reminder of why he and Neala needed to carry on keeping each other 's way , though . This connection of theirs that had managed to form didn 't seem to bother her as much as it once had . Ah , the good old days . " The wolf doesn 't always get what it wants , " he stated , and it was more blustery , more raw than he wanted it to be . He softened his tone , and lowered that hand of his ( and yours ) down between us . His eyes followed as he pieced together his thoughts . " The benefit of being what we are , is that we have this animal nature , and at times it 's so pure and in tune with its surroundings and desires , it can guide us if we let it , and that 's an amazing thing … " his fingers released yours , slipping from your grip too , though tracing down along the back of your hand and along your forearm , the barest of touches from calloused fingertips . " But that 's not all we are . We can think and feel in a way that they can 't , because as much as we , as I 'd love for life so be as simple as they see it , it just isn 't . There is so much more at play here than they would ever want or be able to understand . It 's a balance , " he nodded , as if to cement his point . " And it 's me that 's right this time . Not the wolf . " He 'd traced along your entire arm , then skipped your neck ( i . e . the good part ) to place a large warm hand against your cheek , his gaze having lifted to fix upon your eyes now , a steady , intense , yet calm gaze . " You know , I always thought that if I allowed myself to get closer to you than … than we are now , have been , I risked losing Sam . " He still didn 't know how right he was about that . " Not that that matters now . " This was his way of answering what you had asked of him . " Have you ? " says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - Making a face with you said it solves everything ? She heard the chuckle that fell from your lips , she groaned a bit thinking you weren 't getting what she was meaning . Watching you as you stated your point she blinked a few moments trying to understand the bite in your words before you had lowered their hand back between them . Listening to your words she tilted her head as it seemed sometimes the beast was smarter than its counterpart and in certain times like this one yours was a bit on the more know how then the complications of what life entailed . She wouldn 't say it out loud as her fingers were released and her hand fell to her side , she simply closed her eyes tot eh skitter of kisses along her heated flesh , along her forearm in a dance of like touches and she shivered not to the breeze that licked through the forest and pressed upon their above normal body temps but to the touch , the shiver , the chill that you sent and how close you were In that moment . The feel of the pull from this place . Swallowing a lump that had formed in her throat the husk in her tone and she bullshit reason of losing Sam was why you and her had never gone to bed in the since of sex had certainly caught her attention as her eyes opened and she looked into your hues . The reflection of green followed and she shook her head . " Bullshit . . Nick . . It solves everything that we are in each other 's lives . . That we work together , live together . . That we are as close as many wished to be . We don 't hold secrets from one another and this is why it solves many things that would be normal trouble for those who couldn 't see it or acknowledge what we know and share . As for you risking losing Sam is bullshit . . You were with Carmen , Cerise , Sam , and who ever else . . so No you would lose Sam to others before you would have to me unless others were not a threat and I am missing the point here ? " She said as she lowered her head a moment biting on her lower lip not truly wishing to answer that question when it was aimed back at her . She turned from you , not in the means of turning her back but simply she didn 't want you to see her expression or the hue that would rise to great extent when she spoke . Hell even having you standing so close behind her , all she had to do was lean back and she would feel you . Touch you … . " Nick I have thought about it " she started off and her voice dropped a bit . . " But to go there would mean to touch uncharted waters that could be more damaging then good . On the flip side going there could prove many things to both of us . But an act I had never touched upon . " She had fallen silent while her orbs closed once more and she felt it , the beat of her heart as it sped up and she felt herself fight against that in which she knew was holding her back … You scared her and not in the monstrous ways like many would take you for . She had seen you had your best and worst , had woken beside you after a rogue killing , had stood beside you through many dangers and fights . Had taken up a cause that was yours that you believed in and never questioned you once , though with this she could never tell you the damage you could cause her and how you could destroy her . You were her Strength and weakness at the same time . The further comments though , about Sam and the others … were a bit too close to the mark , a mark that was freshly made and still smarting , and even the wolf in him reacted to that , seeing eye - to - eye with him - on that at least - as it rankled and stirred to skulk around you . " No , you 're right on point , " his voice darkened . It wasn 't a warning , he was just … It 's complicated , and the spirits whipping around the two of you were not helping the situation any . " but it isn 't Bullshit . It 's shit . I 'll give you that , but then I 've muddied things with Sam , did that the day we crossed between mentor and lover . So you see I had my own cause for concern when you and James did the same . " He wanted to go on , but didn 't know how to explain to you how Sam had always been a part of his life here in Orlando , had been a touchstone . Over the years he could gauge his right decisions and his wrong ones from the way she reacted to him after them . Yes he 'd muddied it … but he didn 't regret the last couple of years . He just … had to hope that losing her as a lover wouldn 't mean losing her from his life . Which is what he was trying to suggest could have happened had he gotten involved with you … . and when he thought it through like that … You know , maybe it was bullshit , but he wasn 't about to share that revelation with you . You turned and for a moment he thought you were pulling away , were leaving , and it fucking lurched at his innards , brought him right back to the now and had his beast circling you , pressing you back to him . Y ' see , unreliable these beasts and their fickle ways . " My reasoning may not be sound , Syd , " he sighed , " but … no - one 's proposing that we go there . At least , I don 't think they are ? " He tried to add a smile to his tone there , and he stepped close - right up so that your back pressed against his chest , and he wrapped his arms slowly around you ( if you 'd let him ) , lay his forehead against the back of yours , the scent of you and your hair filling his nostrils . " You have James . I have … shit to figure out . I don 't see that thinking about other ways this conversation could be going will do either of us any good , so , " His hands took ahold of your upper arms and guided you to turn around , maybe even look at him if you dare . " Run with me . The spirits want some kind of a show . " says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - she didn 't realize she had truly hit on a few of the valid points until you spoke even your metaphysical beast was pushing her back . With the force the strength your words . She leaned into you and rested her head against your own , even allowed your arms to wrap about her form like that of a protection from her own self in the moment . She listened so carefully and smiled a bit hearing those words that fell from your lips . When you finally stopped for a moment and you lead her to turn around and face you she looked up to you with those soft embers . " Nick I don 't need reasons , or whys to what or how things are . I simply need you . I don 't lie to you ; I don 't expect you to lie to me . I have James at the moment because I never saw a you and I . You are my best friend , my truest and most sacred person in this world and I would follow you to hell if it meant keeping your ass alive . I know you are not one to be tied , to be held , you like your freedom , your chances , your choice to do as you please . James is much the same and believes in the whole open relationship stance . Something he learned from you . So I being with him is just a bonus to getting certain needs I have filled . It does not mean by any means he is filling the void in my life . That will never be filled but by you when it comes to what we share . " She said watching you when you spoke of running she would like that and nodded her head softly . " A run will do some good , perhaps I will even beat you this time " she teased softly . He didn 't know much of your arrangement with James but here you were going from not being 100 % about him , to being in an ' open ' relationship . It begged caution , but then so could you regarding anything to do with him . What was he thinking ? You and he . It 'd been the topic on the cards for the last little while and yet how it had gotten there escaped him for a moment . It seemed to arrive almost as soon as he 'd asked you if you 'd been ignoring him . So no , you hadn 't . But you didn 't know how to broach the topic of you and James even though you knew ( I mean , you had to know ) that he would find out about it ? His head buzzed with thoughts and with those pesky spirits swirling and mocking them both , and your wolf and his had gotten tangled up in proximity and it was a fucking good feeling . So let 's just leave it at that . Don 't pick . Don 't stir , don 't look too close . Just smile and enjoy the pretty lady and her mouth . I mean , her eyes . I mean , company . Yes , company , and her scent . He withdrew hands from your cheek , earlier words of yours coming back to him ( ' … we simply never gave into what our natural instinct is to do ' ) . Hm . Suddenly the thought of you and he getting undressed in such close proximity didn 't seem like the safest or wisest of options . He bit down on the corner of his bottom lip and let a broad , arrogant smile slowly spread over his features , and he reached to the hem of his shirt , and tugged upwards , pulling it up over his head . " Yeah , " he mused , tossing it to one side and reaching for his belt . " Good luck with that . "
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JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . says to Everyone : The full moon had come and gone and for once , it had been without incident . The pack house had welcomed in most of its brood and the forest had been alive with the energy of the pack , but now most of them were gone . I say most , however , more had stuck around than would usually . It had taken Nick by surprise , but then it was easy to forget that for some of the wolves in the Pack - regardless of a lack of presence around the house except for that mandatory visit every moon , and regardless of a social circle than involved work mates or whatever - for some of them , the pack was their only family . They may not always have wanted them , they may not always appreciate them , but it was Easter , and like they had done over Christmas and thanksgiving , there were a few faces that stuck around for longer than they technically had to . Which made the place feel more alive than it usually did . Nick , for one , appreciated that . He had wandered the house some , before stepping outside into the forest , now that night had fallen and the new moon was peeking out from behind clouds . It was all to easy to remember the ones that weren 't here , when there were others that were . He tried to keeps his thoughts on the positive side of things , but the spirits were close , as they had been so often recently , and they liked memories , as though they were a currency with them . Mirela had visited , before the moon , and had said something of that sort . She was a strange fish , that one , but she enjoyed being connected to the pack here now that she had made Orlando her home . Despite her lineage , Nick couldn 't see any harm in her . If he didn 't , few others would . Mitch couldn 't recall the last time the pack had a vargamor in their number , so although she was yet to officially fill that capacity , the notion has been floated for consideration . He walked , his feet bare , his senses attuned , but even so , his hands shoved into his pockets . The quiet was pleasant . There were too many times recently that his world had seemed far , far too noisy . says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - Silence filled the nightly air , the shifting was nice , the family was back on the mends and it was one of those times where Syd enjoyed being home more than out . James had gone to play some pool with some of the boys while the blonde decided to stay at the house and mingle . Grabbing up a beer from the fridge she popped the top and headed out back . She felt him , his presences , his wolf , his being and she froze the moment she hit the back yard . Her eyes fell to the ground as she had sorta avoided him and Declan the past few weeks . Trying to figure out if things were set to the marker of her own mind but avoidance among them would never last . Sucking at the long neck bottle in hand she followed Nick 's scent into the woods . Her emerald hues flashing with gold flakes as she moved with silence . The soft squish of the earth beneath her feet sank between her toes . The silence of the forest heighten her hearing , all her senses were on alert , heading deeper into where it was sacred for them . Leaning against a trunk of a tree she closed her eyes to just listen to feel the call of the ancestors as they pushed the memory of the dead around sent the chills of the evening to crawl along her skin . It was warm yet a breeze danced through the trees and she let out a low sigh . Her mind thinking over the past and how they all got to this point . A smile placid upon her velvet lips . she was happy for once , truly at peace with all around and even loved being home again . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : You were never really alone in the forest . The pack had a large enough area of land , and enough of them living there that at any one point there was bound to be another of them out there somewhere , whether you knew it or not . That was before you took into account the various other animals that lived out there . The insects and birds paid little attention , but the other wildlife sensed Nick coming and gave him a wide berth , despite his human form . He wasn 't being overly careful with his scent or the reach of his presence . Let them all know he was here . It was a relief to do it . The whispers of the munin spirits grew louder - not that you could focus on a particular direction for any of them , they were just there - the closer he got to the Lupanar . It wasn 't his set destination but the way he walked always seemed to coincide with that place . Perhaps because the opposite direction when leaving the house led towards the old wooder 's huts , and the memories he associated with that place were unsavoury . He tried to clear his mind , leave thoughts of those things behind , and cast away thoughts of the club , of Tyler / Ryan et al , thoughts of his cabin or of Neala , but it was hard to clear your mind , truly . There was always something , desperate to fill the space left by some other thing . His steps faltered and he turned his head . He was being followed . On instinct , his shields closed around his beast and those whispers died abruptly , leaving only the sounds of the forest at night . He ducked right and stayed downwind and he circled around . By the time he reached you , you had , in fact , stopped , and were resting against a tree trunk . He approached without a sound , after a teensy - weensy deliberation about whether or not to disturb you , and , from behind the tree , wrapped his arms around it and covered your eyes with his hands . says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - Her heart beat was steady , not low or over active , simply strong and steady and she was calm . She didn 't necessarily follow you not in the sense of stalking , simply liked your idea of just walking being in the place that seemed to calm the soul . Her beast was relaxed and sated , when you had threw up your shields she had looked around for the danger she was sure to follow her body tensed her metaphysical beast was on guard . With no sounds coming her way she continued to lean upon the trunk closing her embers once more to allow for the forest to fill her sense . To see it through her beast 's eyes . Though the darkness poured in when your hands covered her eyes and she sniffed , a low whimper escaped her lips she knew by the beating of your heart , the makeup of who you were and the feel of those hands upon her eyes it was you . Her heart had started to pick up pace , fingers brush over your own as she brushed the knuckles of your hands . " You know for a man of Surprises you fail in the approach of being recognized " She teased softly . She held herself bound to the tree a few moments unsure of what intentions either of them had and with a soft parting giggle and knowing your hands weren 't tight upon her face . She wiggled her way free before feet fell upon the earth and she took off in a run , nothing fast or she was afraid , simply took to the woods surrounding them . " You coming " She called over her shoulder feeling the freedom that made her feel alive . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : So he was a man of surprises ? You probably would 've liked to have seen his face when you uttered that one , but , unfortunately for you , your eyes were covered at that point . He released his shields then letting that familiar presence just spread it 's warmth and power around the area we were in , not particularly targeting you , but you and he had physical contact , it would be difficult to avoid , so why try ? " Who said I didn 't want to be recognised ? " He laughed gently as you pulled away , and he lowered his arms and rounded the tree . " Just checking how aware you are of your surroundings . " Perhaps making sure that all that James had been teaching you wasn 't being forgotten now that James was doing more than just teaching you . Off you ran , and it wasn 't the kind of escaping dash that would trigger that CHASE instinct , but it pulled at him anyway . Maybe you had been following him , maybe you hadn 't , but he 'd become aware of you and sought out your company , and here you were abandoning him . Can 't be having that . " Already there , " he muttered to the wind , and his feet were carrying him forward , drawn to action , and he was ducking and weaving through the trees to draw up next to you . His shields down , those whispers were there again , a flurry of noise and excitement now that the two wolves were running amongst them . He didn 't question if you were aware of them , just accepted it as a thing . " Anywhere in particular ? " He smirked , offering you lead in this little jog of ours , even as he rounded a large fallen tree , navigating this territory of ours with ease . He wondered if you 'd venture to the lupanar , in the same way that it always pulled at him . It was true that he had found you there before . says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - She had heard your words and the laugh that peeled over her flesh like that of a soft trail of butterfly kisses . She had been very aware of what was around her and she fed off your wolf , when your shields went into place she waited , counted and even could sense you peeling back towards her , she even gave in to the whispers , the calls , the voices of the lupanar as it reached out to her . She was learning so much and felt the joy of the moments lately . Looking back when she had took of she felt you close to her when you caught up and they were headed to the Lupanar it always called to her , spoke to her , pulled her in the warmth of its embrace and welcomed her being . Stopping when you asked anywhere in particular she smiled and took your hand as they headed deeper into the woods . The other creatures gave them more room then was needed and she began to walk with ease once they reached the place . The luminance of light between scattered branches gave way to the beauty that was held here . Her heart was beating and with your shields dropped she felt herself bath in the comfort of you once more . Turning she looked to you , those soft emeralds falling on your features she tilts her head and speaking once more . " I am aware of the settings about us , I am aware of everything that binds us and it is in this spot that makes the bad of the world fade and all of us become one . They speak to me Nick , do they ever call to you ? " She asked curiously standing there squishing her toes in to the earth and feeling the magic shift through her form says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : The lupanar it was , and his smile broadened on his lips as you took his hand and led him through the trees into the natural clearing , where the large crescent rock formation nestled amongst the treeline at one edge of the clearing had become the focal point for that gathering of munin . The spirits of their fallen pack mates . For how long this had been where there bodies had been brought , had been committed to pack memory , he didn 't know . Many of the spirits here were wolves he would never ever have known , that predated his time here - and that of most of the wolves currently in residence . There were some , though , too many , that he had known . To say ' Rest in Peace ' seemed out of place , because here they were : anything but peaceful . You waxed poetic as you spoke , and it warmed him . You had that way about you sometimes . Call it a quirk of character . To those that didn 't know you it wouldn 't fit what they thought of you , but he knew you , had seen this side of your nature . " They rarely shut up , " he murmured quietly . " used to be , it bothered me . Either it stopped creeping me out , or I got used to it . I don 't know which . " So it wasn 't just him then , that 's good . Not all of the wolves could sense them , or at least , sense them for what they were - beyond a mere breeze of energy . He turned his attention on you , and he faced you , lifting his hand - with yours attached - to chest height . " So you 're not ignoring me ? " He didn 't want to talk work . Perhaps that was inescapable . But this was hardly just a work thing , was it ? says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - She had closed her eyes and tilted her head into the moment , feeling the soft breeze upon her flesh as it raked along her skin and rose the bumps . She was taking in those of fallen pack , those of past and present those she knew and didn 't and in it she had learned so much , craved their knowledge and protection . Once she had longed stop fighting and learn to listen she realized the sanctity of their home and people . Learned that without this place and without the pack she had nothing would simply be a being who was trying to survive in a world where chaos and hatred was stronger than love and memories . Opening her embers she looked to you a moment as you gave her a murmured response and she chuckled softly . The honey tone filled the air about them . Shaking those long blonde locks from her face as she seemed to truly relax around you she gave more and more of her docile nature , the curious chic who had a softer side to the bitch she showed to all . She was simply a harden shell keeping those away she didn 't want close , kept herself from being crushed when it truly matter . " I at first didn 't understand it , them , or what they wanted but being here , learning from you and the rest , and what I feel inside of me I learned to listen to let them in and accept their blessings and teachings . " She said softly before feeling you turn and face her , lifting her hand up to your chest height . She watched you a few moments , eyes locked on your own as the question was presented and a small red tint touched her cheeks . " I was at first , then I wasn 't our schedules had not matched up Nick . " She felt her heart speed up , her hand in yours and she saw the look in your eyes , felt the comfort , and draw of your power against her own like that when they had shared the couch during a movie a while back . It was the feel she always felt around you , one she always tried to ignore and leave it at the door but it was you and she knew fighting would always be a battle she would slowly lose . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : Despite the noise , the whispers that came in waves that grew quiet then would build and crash against those who cared to listen , there was a peace to be had - not just from being here in this sacred place , but being with you . If he tried , he could think of a number of reasons for that , but the easiest was that he had no secrets from you . At times , that could be detrimental , but at other times - times like this - it was a boon . You weren 't just aware of his part to play at Carmine , you were involved . You weren 't just aware of all the crap that had gone down there in the past , and all that had gone on here at the house . You had been there , you had fought . You had been at his side . It allowed for a certain amount of shorthand , a certain … ability to skip past the bullshit . " That 's a terrible excuse . If there 's something you have to say to me or ask of me , you have my number . You know where I live . You know you can come to me or call on me . " He meant that , knew you knew he meant it . He lifted his eyes , glanced about , trying to get a fix on those spirits . There were interested in all of this of course , in these two wolves that had come to their realm , gave them something to excite themselves about . Their energy was rich with potential . " But , " he began , slowly returning his eyes to you . " I also get the distinct impression it 's more that you expect me to have something to say to you . Look , Syd , if it 's about James … " - She shifted a bit not realizing she had stepped closer to you and your form and it was nice and easy that they never kept secrets , she knew of the past , had fought with you , knew of what and who you did . She even knew of things that came and went and most of it you always shared with her in some way or another . It was something she never gave much thought and with them standing in this place , upon sacred ground she had tilted her head as your eyes scanned our over the top of her . Closing her embers she embraced the magic and let the thoughts guide her in what embrace it shared and with it came a simple knowledge that you and her were linked and bound not by blood , or truly packed , but by a friendship so deep that no matter what happened she would always have your back . It was you who had hers when no one else ever did and she had never forgotten it and her loyalty was yours to the end . Listening to your words as you spoke she lifted a slender shoulder before it dropped and she opened the rich greens and spoke softly . " I know Nick and I was wrong for trying to avoid you , I just didn 't know what to honestly say to you about me and James . . I am still not 100 % sure of him , he is great . . but Honestly there are things I am afraid will always hold me back . Things I tell myself repeatedly are not going to happen and are not something I should hope for and yet … " she paused a moment . " I just can 't " turning her eyes towards the heavens she spoke in a lower whispered tone you heard clearly . " And I know your wolf belongs to another " she said biting at her lower lip . It would never change her feelings even if she fought them . They were the same . She simply had to ignore them if she were to make the best of it . Allow you your freedoms , your choices , and even allow you your space . She knew you far to well to ever demand anything of you and she could live with that . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : You had a smile on his lips , at least . " We work and live together ; Avoiding me was never going to work , not for very long . " Yes , yes , I know . He technically lived elsewhere , but that 's besides the point , and not extremely relevant . He 'd been staying here more , recently , in the house or in the forest , and a couple of times he 'd stayed at Carmine . The cabin - except for that night Captain Giles had needed to drink himself into a stupor - had been all but empty . It wasn 't the same , and that , whilst being his fault , was a damn shame . But good . Positive , if he allowed himself to look at it that way . " And being 100 % sure of anybody is … a lot harder than it sounds , and it doesn 't sound simple . " He was trying to help . God knows why . When he heard you 'd gotten involved with James he 'd blinked more times than was necessary . Had thought that was never on the cards , but there is was . But , he guessed , before he and James had their fight , before the night where it seemed everyone settled their scores and challenges were made and met - including yours with Sam - it hadn 't been possible , perhaps . Nick knew where your loyalties lay when it came to that difference of opinions James and he had . Since then , James had quietened . As Hati - he still had authority , albeit a demotion of sorts , but he respected that , respected Mitch 's decision and the way the chips had fallen . There had been no further tousles . Not yet , anyway . It was easy to see what could have happened . Declan had paid the price of throwing his weight around , and the rules out of the window . Nick didn 't particularly understand what those things were that were holding you back , but if you were unsure about James , no - one was going to rush you , and - despite what others may think - he wasn 't about to try and talk you out of it . Just support you . Have moments like this . " My wolf , " he cleared his throat , " thinks it knows what it wants . It can sod off , if you ask me . There 's trouble and there 's trouble … " he exhaled , that beast in him stirring , getting that sense it was being defied in some way and giving off a ripple of a growl - nothing aloud - simply a reverberation of presence . " … What 's that got to do with it ? " Her own moving to console it to calm it from the riled fur of its neck . Pulling your hand up to her cheek she brush your knuckles of her face gently before kissing the back of your hand and speaking . " I know we work together , live together . We are practically always around one another Nick , it changes nothing but solves everything . It is harder than it sounds but for me I cant let certain things go that I feel . Your wolf wants another . . It simply settles for the comfort but it riles for another being and I have felt it . Everyone has when you are around that being . . Have you ever asked yourself why we have never made it to the bedroom ? Why we simply never gave into what our natural instinct is to do ? " She asked tilting her head when she looked up and continued to hold your hand . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : " It solves everything ? " He chuckled , but didn 't let that deter you from speaking the rest of your words . He wondered what you meant by that , what it solved - that you were always around each other . You went on to speak about his wolf as if this was something that you had noticed , but beyond that , that others had noticed . The smile faded , brows tugging towards each other as he frowned . Were the wants ( and needs ? ) of his wolf so transparent ? That thought bothered him . Was a timely reminder of why he and Neala needed to carry on keeping each other 's way , though . This connection of theirs that had managed to form didn 't seem to bother her as much as it once had . Ah , the good old days . " The wolf doesn 't always get what it wants , " he stated , and it was more blustery , more raw than he wanted it to be . He softened his tone , and lowered that hand of his ( and yours ) down between us . His eyes followed as he pieced together his thoughts . " The benefit of being what we are , is that we have this animal nature , and at times it 's so pure and in tune with its surroundings and desires , it can guide us if we let it , and that 's an amazing thing … " his fingers released yours , slipping from your grip too , though tracing down along the back of your hand and along your forearm , the barest of touches from calloused fingertips . " But that 's not all we are . We can think and feel in a way that they can 't , because as much as we , as I 'd love for life so be as simple as they see it , it just isn 't . There is so much more at play here than they would ever want or be able to understand . It 's a balance , " he nodded , as if to cement his point . " And it 's me that 's right this time . Not the wolf . " He 'd traced along your entire arm , then skipped your neck ( i . e . the good part ) to place a large warm hand against your cheek , his gaze having lifted to fix upon your eyes now , a steady , intense , yet calm gaze . " You know , I always thought that if I allowed myself to get closer to you than … than we are now , have been , I risked losing Sam . " He still didn 't know how right he was about that . " Not that that matters now . " This was his way of answering what you had asked of him . " Have you ? " says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - Making a face with you said it solves everything ? She heard the chuckle that fell from your lips , she groaned a bit thinking you weren 't getting what she was meaning . Watching you as you stated your point she blinked a few moments trying to understand the bite in your words before you had lowered their hand back between them . Listening to your words she tilted her head as it seemed sometimes the beast was smarter than its counterpart and in certain times like this one yours was a bit on the more know how then the complications of what life entailed . She wouldn 't say it out loud as her fingers were released and her hand fell to her side , she simply closed her eyes tot eh skitter of kisses along her heated flesh , along her forearm in a dance of like touches and she shivered not to the breeze that licked through the forest and pressed upon their above normal body temps but to the touch , the shiver , the chill that you sent and how close you were In that moment . The feel of the pull from this place . Swallowing a lump that had formed in her throat the husk in her tone and she bullshit reason of losing Sam was why you and her had never gone to bed in the since of sex had certainly caught her attention as her eyes opened and she looked into your hues . The reflection of green followed and she shook her head . " Bullshit . . Nick . . It solves everything that we are in each other 's lives . . That we work together , live together . . That we are as close as many wished to be . We don 't hold secrets from one another and this is why it solves many things that would be normal trouble for those who couldn 't see it or acknowledge what we know and share . As for you risking losing Sam is bullshit . . You were with Carmen , Cerise , Sam , and who ever else . . so No you would lose Sam to others before you would have to me unless others were not a threat and I am missing the point here ? " She said as she lowered her head a moment biting on her lower lip not truly wishing to answer that question when it was aimed back at her . She turned from you , not in the means of turning her back but simply she didn 't want you to see her expression or the hue that would rise to great extent when she spoke . Hell even having you standing so close behind her , all she had to do was lean back and she would feel you . Touch you … . " Nick I have thought about it " she started off and her voice dropped a bit . . " But to go there would mean to touch uncharted waters that could be more damaging then good . On the flip side going there could prove many things to both of us . But an act I had never touched upon . " She had fallen silent while her orbs closed once more and she felt it , the beat of her heart as it sped up and she felt herself fight against that in which she knew was holding her back … You scared her and not in the monstrous ways like many would take you for . She had seen you had your best and worst , had woken beside you after a rogue killing , had stood beside you through many dangers and fights . Had taken up a cause that was yours that you believed in and never questioned you once , though with this she could never tell you the damage you could cause her and how you could destroy her . You were her Strength and weakness at the same time . The further comments though , about Sam and the others … were a bit too close to the mark , a mark that was freshly made and still smarting , and even the wolf in him reacted to that , seeing eye - to - eye with him - on that at least - as it rankled and stirred to skulk around you . " No , you 're right on point , " his voice darkened . It wasn 't a warning , he was just … It 's complicated , and the spirits whipping around the two of you were not helping the situation any . " but it isn 't Bullshit . It 's shit . I 'll give you that , but then I 've muddied things with Sam , did that the day we crossed between mentor and lover . So you see I had my own cause for concern when you and James did the same . " He wanted to go on , but didn 't know how to explain to you how Sam had always been a part of his life here in Orlando , had been a touchstone . Over the years he could gauge his right decisions and his wrong ones from the way she reacted to him after them . Yes he 'd muddied it … but he didn 't regret the last couple of years . He just … had to hope that losing her as a lover wouldn 't mean losing her from his life . Which is what he was trying to suggest could have happened had he gotten involved with you … . and when he thought it through like that … You know , maybe it was bullshit , but he wasn 't about to share that revelation with you . You turned and for a moment he thought you were pulling away , were leaving , and it fucking lurched at his innards , brought him right back to the now and had his beast circling you , pressing you back to him . Y ' see , unreliable these beasts and their fickle ways . " My reasoning may not be sound , Syd , " he sighed , " but … no - one 's proposing that we go there . At least , I don 't think they are ? " He tried to add a smile to his tone there , and he stepped close - right up so that your back pressed against his chest , and he wrapped his arms slowly around you ( if you 'd let him ) , lay his forehead against the back of yours , the scent of you and your hair filling his nostrils . " You have James . I have … shit to figure out . I don 't see that thinking about other ways this conversation could be going will do either of us any good , so , " His hands took ahold of your upper arms and guided you to turn around , maybe even look at him if you dare . " Run with me . The spirits want some kind of a show . " says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - she didn 't realize she had truly hit on a few of the valid points until you spoke even your metaphysical beast was pushing her back . With the force the strength your words . She leaned into you and rested her head against your own , even allowed your arms to wrap about her form like that of a protection from her own self in the moment . She listened so carefully and smiled a bit hearing those words that fell from your lips . When you finally stopped for a moment and you lead her to turn around and face you she looked up to you with those soft embers . " Nick I don 't need reasons , or whys to what or how things are . I simply need you . I don 't lie to you ; I don 't expect you to lie to me . I have James at the moment because I never saw a you and I . You are my best friend , my truest and most sacred person in this world and I would follow you to hell if it meant keeping your ass alive . I know you are not one to be tied , to be held , you like your freedom , your chances , your choice to do as you please . James is much the same and believes in the whole open relationship stance . Something he learned from you . So I being with him is just a bonus to getting certain needs I have filled . It does not mean by any means he is filling the void in my life . That will never be filled but by you when it comes to what we share . " She said watching you when you spoke of running she would like that and nodded her head softly . " A run will do some good , perhaps I will even beat you this time " she teased softly . He didn 't know much of your arrangement with James but here you were going from not being 100 % about him , to being in an ' open ' relationship . It begged caution , but then so could you regarding anything to do with him . What was he thinking ? You and he . It 'd been the topic on the cards for the last little while and yet how it had gotten there escaped him for a moment . It seemed to arrive almost as soon as he 'd asked you if you 'd been ignoring him . So no , you hadn 't . But you didn 't know how to broach the topic of you and James even though you knew ( I mean , you had to know ) that he would find out about it ? His head buzzed with thoughts and with those pesky spirits swirling and mocking them both , and your wolf and his had gotten tangled up in proximity and it was a fucking good feeling . So let 's just leave it at that . Don 't pick . Don 't stir , don 't look too close . Just smile and enjoy the pretty lady and her mouth . I mean , her eyes . I mean , company . Yes , company , and her scent . He withdrew hands from your cheek , earlier words of yours coming back to him ( ' … we simply never gave into what our natural instinct is to do ' ) . Hm . Suddenly the thought of you and he getting undressed in such close proximity didn 't seem like the safest or wisest of options . He bit down on the corner of his bottom lip and let a broad , arrogant smile slowly spread over his features , and he reached to the hem of his shirt , and tugged upwards , pulling it up over his head . " Yeah , " he mused , tossing it to one side and reaching for his belt . " Good luck with that . "
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JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . says to Everyone : The full moon had come and gone and for once , it had been without incident . The pack house had welcomed in most of its brood and the forest had been alive with the energy of the pack , but now most of them were gone . I say most , however , more had stuck around than would usually . It had taken Nick by surprise , but then it was easy to forget that for some of the wolves in the Pack - regardless of a lack of presence around the house except for that mandatory visit every moon , and regardless of a social circle than involved work mates or whatever - for some of them , the pack was their only family . They may not always have wanted them , they may not always appreciate them , but it was Easter , and like they had done over Christmas and thanksgiving , there were a few faces that stuck around for longer than they technically had to . Which made the place feel more alive than it usually did . Nick , for one , appreciated that . He had wandered the house some , before stepping outside into the forest , now that night had fallen and the new moon was peeking out from behind clouds . It was all to easy to remember the ones that weren 't here , when there were others that were . He tried to keeps his thoughts on the positive side of things , but the spirits were close , as they had been so often recently , and they liked memories , as though they were a currency with them . Mirela had visited , before the moon , and had said something of that sort . She was a strange fish , that one , but she enjoyed being connected to the pack here now that she had made Orlando her home . Despite her lineage , Nick couldn 't see any harm in her . If he didn 't , few others would . Mitch couldn 't recall the last time the pack had a vargamor in their number , so although she was yet to officially fill that capacity , the notion has been floated for consideration . He walked , his feet bare , his senses attuned , but even so , his hands shoved into his pockets . The quiet was pleasant . There were too many times recently that his world had seemed far , far too noisy . says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - Silence filled the nightly air , the shifting was nice , the family was back on the mends and it was one of those times where Syd enjoyed being home more than out . James had gone to play some pool with some of the boys while the blonde decided to stay at the house and mingle . Grabbing up a beer from the fridge she popped the top and headed out back . She felt him , his presences , his wolf , his being and she froze the moment she hit the back yard . Her eyes fell to the ground as she had sorta avoided him and Declan the past few weeks . Trying to figure out if things were set to the marker of her own mind but avoidance among them would never last . Sucking at the long neck bottle in hand she followed Nick 's scent into the woods . Her emerald hues flashing with gold flakes as she moved with silence . The soft squish of the earth beneath her feet sank between her toes . The silence of the forest heighten her hearing , all her senses were on alert , heading deeper into where it was sacred for them . Leaning against a trunk of a tree she closed her eyes to just listen to feel the call of the ancestors as they pushed the memory of the dead around sent the chills of the evening to crawl along her skin . It was warm yet a breeze danced through the trees and she let out a low sigh . Her mind thinking over the past and how they all got to this point . A smile placid upon her velvet lips . she was happy for once , truly at peace with all around and even loved being home again . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : You were never really alone in the forest . The pack had a large enough area of land , and enough of them living there that at any one point there was bound to be another of them out there somewhere , whether you knew it or not . That was before you took into account the various other animals that lived out there . The insects and birds paid little attention , but the other wildlife sensed Nick coming and gave him a wide berth , despite his human form . He wasn 't being overly careful with his scent or the reach of his presence . Let them all know he was here . It was a relief to do it . The whispers of the munin spirits grew louder - not that you could focus on a particular direction for any of them , they were just there - the closer he got to the Lupanar . It wasn 't his set destination but the way he walked always seemed to coincide with that place . Perhaps because the opposite direction when leaving the house led towards the old wooder 's huts , and the memories he associated with that place were unsavoury . He tried to clear his mind , leave thoughts of those things behind , and cast away thoughts of the club , of Tyler / Ryan et al , thoughts of his cabin or of Neala , but it was hard to clear your mind , truly . There was always something , desperate to fill the space left by some other thing . His steps faltered and he turned his head . He was being followed . On instinct , his shields closed around his beast and those whispers died abruptly , leaving only the sounds of the forest at night . He ducked right and stayed downwind and he circled around . By the time he reached you , you had , in fact , stopped , and were resting against a tree trunk . He approached without a sound , after a teensy - weensy deliberation about whether or not to disturb you , and , from behind the tree , wrapped his arms around it and covered your eyes with his hands . says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - Her heart beat was steady , not low or over active , simply strong and steady and she was calm . She didn 't necessarily follow you not in the sense of stalking , simply liked your idea of just walking being in the place that seemed to calm the soul . Her beast was relaxed and sated , when you had threw up your shields she had looked around for the danger she was sure to follow her body tensed her metaphysical beast was on guard . With no sounds coming her way she continued to lean upon the trunk closing her embers once more to allow for the forest to fill her sense . To see it through her beast 's eyes . Though the darkness poured in when your hands covered her eyes and she sniffed , a low whimper escaped her lips she knew by the beating of your heart , the makeup of who you were and the feel of those hands upon her eyes it was you . Her heart had started to pick up pace , fingers brush over your own as she brushed the knuckles of your hands . " You know for a man of Surprises you fail in the approach of being recognized " She teased softly . She held herself bound to the tree a few moments unsure of what intentions either of them had and with a soft parting giggle and knowing your hands weren 't tight upon her face . She wiggled her way free before feet fell upon the earth and she took off in a run , nothing fast or she was afraid , simply took to the woods surrounding them . " You coming " She called over her shoulder feeling the freedom that made her feel alive . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : So he was a man of surprises ? You probably would 've liked to have seen his face when you uttered that one , but , unfortunately for you , your eyes were covered at that point . He released his shields then letting that familiar presence just spread it 's warmth and power around the area we were in , not particularly targeting you , but you and he had physical contact , it would be difficult to avoid , so why try ? " Who said I didn 't want to be recognised ? " He laughed gently as you pulled away , and he lowered his arms and rounded the tree . " Just checking how aware you are of your surroundings . " Perhaps making sure that all that James had been teaching you wasn 't being forgotten now that James was doing more than just teaching you . Off you ran , and it wasn 't the kind of escaping dash that would trigger that CHASE instinct , but it pulled at him anyway . Maybe you had been following him , maybe you hadn 't , but he 'd become aware of you and sought out your company , and here you were abandoning him . Can 't be having that . " Already there , " he muttered to the wind , and his feet were carrying him forward , drawn to action , and he was ducking and weaving through the trees to draw up next to you . His shields down , those whispers were there again , a flurry of noise and excitement now that the two wolves were running amongst them . He didn 't question if you were aware of them , just accepted it as a thing . " Anywhere in particular ? " He smirked , offering you lead in this little jog of ours , even as he rounded a large fallen tree , navigating this territory of ours with ease . He wondered if you 'd venture to the lupanar , in the same way that it always pulled at him . It was true that he had found you there before . says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - She had heard your words and the laugh that peeled over her flesh like that of a soft trail of butterfly kisses . She had been very aware of what was around her and she fed off your wolf , when your shields went into place she waited , counted and even could sense you peeling back towards her , she even gave in to the whispers , the calls , the voices of the lupanar as it reached out to her . She was learning so much and felt the joy of the moments lately . Looking back when she had took of she felt you close to her when you caught up and they were headed to the Lupanar it always called to her , spoke to her , pulled her in the warmth of its embrace and welcomed her being . Stopping when you asked anywhere in particular she smiled and took your hand as they headed deeper into the woods . The other creatures gave them more room then was needed and she began to walk with ease once they reached the place . The luminance of light between scattered branches gave way to the beauty that was held here . Her heart was beating and with your shields dropped she felt herself bath in the comfort of you once more . Turning she looked to you , those soft emeralds falling on your features she tilts her head and speaking once more . " I am aware of the settings about us , I am aware of everything that binds us and it is in this spot that makes the bad of the world fade and all of us become one . They speak to me Nick , do they ever call to you ? " She asked curiously standing there squishing her toes in to the earth and feeling the magic shift through her form says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : The lupanar it was , and his smile broadened on his lips as you took his hand and led him through the trees into the natural clearing , where the large crescent rock formation nestled amongst the treeline at one edge of the clearing had become the focal point for that gathering of munin . The spirits of their fallen pack mates . For how long this had been where there bodies had been brought , had been committed to pack memory , he didn 't know . Many of the spirits here were wolves he would never ever have known , that predated his time here - and that of most of the wolves currently in residence . There were some , though , too many , that he had known . To say ' Rest in Peace ' seemed out of place , because here they were : anything but peaceful . You waxed poetic as you spoke , and it warmed him . You had that way about you sometimes . Call it a quirk of character . To those that didn 't know you it wouldn 't fit what they thought of you , but he knew you , had seen this side of your nature . " They rarely shut up , " he murmured quietly . " used to be , it bothered me . Either it stopped creeping me out , or I got used to it . I don 't know which . " So it wasn 't just him then , that 's good . Not all of the wolves could sense them , or at least , sense them for what they were - beyond a mere breeze of energy . He turned his attention on you , and he faced you , lifting his hand - with yours attached - to chest height . " So you 're not ignoring me ? " He didn 't want to talk work . Perhaps that was inescapable . But this was hardly just a work thing , was it ? says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - She had closed her eyes and tilted her head into the moment , feeling the soft breeze upon her flesh as it raked along her skin and rose the bumps . She was taking in those of fallen pack , those of past and present those she knew and didn 't and in it she had learned so much , craved their knowledge and protection . Once she had longed stop fighting and learn to listen she realized the sanctity of their home and people . Learned that without this place and without the pack she had nothing would simply be a being who was trying to survive in a world where chaos and hatred was stronger than love and memories . Opening her embers she looked to you a moment as you gave her a murmured response and she chuckled softly . The honey tone filled the air about them . Shaking those long blonde locks from her face as she seemed to truly relax around you she gave more and more of her docile nature , the curious chic who had a softer side to the bitch she showed to all . She was simply a harden shell keeping those away she didn 't want close , kept herself from being crushed when it truly matter . " I at first didn 't understand it , them , or what they wanted but being here , learning from you and the rest , and what I feel inside of me I learned to listen to let them in and accept their blessings and teachings . " She said softly before feeling you turn and face her , lifting her hand up to your chest height . She watched you a few moments , eyes locked on your own as the question was presented and a small red tint touched her cheeks . " I was at first , then I wasn 't our schedules had not matched up Nick . " She felt her heart speed up , her hand in yours and she saw the look in your eyes , felt the comfort , and draw of your power against her own like that when they had shared the couch during a movie a while back . It was the feel she always felt around you , one she always tried to ignore and leave it at the door but it was you and she knew fighting would always be a battle she would slowly lose . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : Despite the noise , the whispers that came in waves that grew quiet then would build and crash against those who cared to listen , there was a peace to be had - not just from being here in this sacred place , but being with you . If he tried , he could think of a number of reasons for that , but the easiest was that he had no secrets from you . At times , that could be detrimental , but at other times - times like this - it was a boon . You weren 't just aware of his part to play at Carmine , you were involved . You weren 't just aware of all the crap that had gone down there in the past , and all that had gone on here at the house . You had been there , you had fought . You had been at his side . It allowed for a certain amount of shorthand , a certain … ability to skip past the bullshit . " That 's a terrible excuse . If there 's something you have to say to me or ask of me , you have my number . You know where I live . You know you can come to me or call on me . " He meant that , knew you knew he meant it . He lifted his eyes , glanced about , trying to get a fix on those spirits . There were interested in all of this of course , in these two wolves that had come to their realm , gave them something to excite themselves about . Their energy was rich with potential . " But , " he began , slowly returning his eyes to you . " I also get the distinct impression it 's more that you expect me to have something to say to you . Look , Syd , if it 's about James … " - She shifted a bit not realizing she had stepped closer to you and your form and it was nice and easy that they never kept secrets , she knew of the past , had fought with you , knew of what and who you did . She even knew of things that came and went and most of it you always shared with her in some way or another . It was something she never gave much thought and with them standing in this place , upon sacred ground she had tilted her head as your eyes scanned our over the top of her . Closing her embers she embraced the magic and let the thoughts guide her in what embrace it shared and with it came a simple knowledge that you and her were linked and bound not by blood , or truly packed , but by a friendship so deep that no matter what happened she would always have your back . It was you who had hers when no one else ever did and she had never forgotten it and her loyalty was yours to the end . Listening to your words as you spoke she lifted a slender shoulder before it dropped and she opened the rich greens and spoke softly . " I know Nick and I was wrong for trying to avoid you , I just didn 't know what to honestly say to you about me and James . . I am still not 100 % sure of him , he is great . . but Honestly there are things I am afraid will always hold me back . Things I tell myself repeatedly are not going to happen and are not something I should hope for and yet … " she paused a moment . " I just can 't " turning her eyes towards the heavens she spoke in a lower whispered tone you heard clearly . " And I know your wolf belongs to another " she said biting at her lower lip . It would never change her feelings even if she fought them . They were the same . She simply had to ignore them if she were to make the best of it . Allow you your freedoms , your choices , and even allow you your space . She knew you far to well to ever demand anything of you and she could live with that . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : You had a smile on his lips , at least . " We work and live together ; Avoiding me was never going to work , not for very long . " Yes , yes , I know . He technically lived elsewhere , but that 's besides the point , and not extremely relevant . He 'd been staying here more , recently , in the house or in the forest , and a couple of times he 'd stayed at Carmine . The cabin - except for that night Captain Giles had needed to drink himself into a stupor - had been all but empty . It wasn 't the same , and that , whilst being his fault , was a damn shame . But good . Positive , if he allowed himself to look at it that way . " And being 100 % sure of anybody is … a lot harder than it sounds , and it doesn 't sound simple . " He was trying to help . God knows why . When he heard you 'd gotten involved with James he 'd blinked more times than was necessary . Had thought that was never on the cards , but there is was . But , he guessed , before he and James had their fight , before the night where it seemed everyone settled their scores and challenges were made and met - including yours with Sam - it hadn 't been possible , perhaps . Nick knew where your loyalties lay when it came to that difference of opinions James and he had . Since then , James had quietened . As Hati - he still had authority , albeit a demotion of sorts , but he respected that , respected Mitch 's decision and the way the chips had fallen . There had been no further tousles . Not yet , anyway . It was easy to see what could have happened . Declan had paid the price of throwing his weight around , and the rules out of the window . Nick didn 't particularly understand what those things were that were holding you back , but if you were unsure about James , no - one was going to rush you , and - despite what others may think - he wasn 't about to try and talk you out of it . Just support you . Have moments like this . " My wolf , " he cleared his throat , " thinks it knows what it wants . It can sod off , if you ask me . There 's trouble and there 's trouble … " he exhaled , that beast in him stirring , getting that sense it was being defied in some way and giving off a ripple of a growl - nothing aloud - simply a reverberation of presence . " … What 's that got to do with it ? " Her own moving to console it to calm it from the riled fur of its neck . Pulling your hand up to her cheek she brush your knuckles of her face gently before kissing the back of your hand and speaking . " I know we work together , live together . We are practically always around one another Nick , it changes nothing but solves everything . It is harder than it sounds but for me I cant let certain things go that I feel . Your wolf wants another . . It simply settles for the comfort but it riles for another being and I have felt it . Everyone has when you are around that being . . Have you ever asked yourself why we have never made it to the bedroom ? Why we simply never gave into what our natural instinct is to do ? " She asked tilting her head when she looked up and continued to hold your hand . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : " It solves everything ? " He chuckled , but didn 't let that deter you from speaking the rest of your words . He wondered what you meant by that , what it solved - that you were always around each other . You went on to speak about his wolf as if this was something that you had noticed , but beyond that , that others had noticed . The smile faded , brows tugging towards each other as he frowned . Were the wants ( and needs ? ) of his wolf so transparent ? That thought bothered him . Was a timely reminder of why he and Neala needed to carry on keeping each other 's way , though . This connection of theirs that had managed to form didn 't seem to bother her as much as it once had . Ah , the good old days . " The wolf doesn 't always get what it wants , " he stated , and it was more blustery , more raw than he wanted it to be . He softened his tone , and lowered that hand of his ( and yours ) down between us . His eyes followed as he pieced together his thoughts . " The benefit of being what we are , is that we have this animal nature , and at times it 's so pure and in tune with its surroundings and desires , it can guide us if we let it , and that 's an amazing thing … " his fingers released yours , slipping from your grip too , though tracing down along the back of your hand and along your forearm , the barest of touches from calloused fingertips . " But that 's not all we are . We can think and feel in a way that they can 't , because as much as we , as I 'd love for life so be as simple as they see it , it just isn 't . There is so much more at play here than they would ever want or be able to understand . It 's a balance , " he nodded , as if to cement his point . " And it 's me that 's right this time . Not the wolf . " He 'd traced along your entire arm , then skipped your neck ( i . e . the good part ) to place a large warm hand against your cheek , his gaze having lifted to fix upon your eyes now , a steady , intense , yet calm gaze . " You know , I always thought that if I allowed myself to get closer to you than … than we are now , have been , I risked losing Sam . " He still didn 't know how right he was about that . " Not that that matters now . " This was his way of answering what you had asked of him . " Have you ? " says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - Making a face with you said it solves everything ? She heard the chuckle that fell from your lips , she groaned a bit thinking you weren 't getting what she was meaning . Watching you as you stated your point she blinked a few moments trying to understand the bite in your words before you had lowered their hand back between them . Listening to your words she tilted her head as it seemed sometimes the beast was smarter than its counterpart and in certain times like this one yours was a bit on the more know how then the complications of what life entailed . She wouldn 't say it out loud as her fingers were released and her hand fell to her side , she simply closed her eyes tot eh skitter of kisses along her heated flesh , along her forearm in a dance of like touches and she shivered not to the breeze that licked through the forest and pressed upon their above normal body temps but to the touch , the shiver , the chill that you sent and how close you were In that moment . The feel of the pull from this place . Swallowing a lump that had formed in her throat the husk in her tone and she bullshit reason of losing Sam was why you and her had never gone to bed in the since of sex had certainly caught her attention as her eyes opened and she looked into your hues . The reflection of green followed and she shook her head . " Bullshit . . Nick . . It solves everything that we are in each other 's lives . . That we work together , live together . . That we are as close as many wished to be . We don 't hold secrets from one another and this is why it solves many things that would be normal trouble for those who couldn 't see it or acknowledge what we know and share . As for you risking losing Sam is bullshit . . You were with Carmen , Cerise , Sam , and who ever else . . so No you would lose Sam to others before you would have to me unless others were not a threat and I am missing the point here ? " She said as she lowered her head a moment biting on her lower lip not truly wishing to answer that question when it was aimed back at her . She turned from you , not in the means of turning her back but simply she didn 't want you to see her expression or the hue that would rise to great extent when she spoke . Hell even having you standing so close behind her , all she had to do was lean back and she would feel you . Touch you … . " Nick I have thought about it " she started off and her voice dropped a bit . . " But to go there would mean to touch uncharted waters that could be more damaging then good . On the flip side going there could prove many things to both of us . But an act I had never touched upon . " She had fallen silent while her orbs closed once more and she felt it , the beat of her heart as it sped up and she felt herself fight against that in which she knew was holding her back … You scared her and not in the monstrous ways like many would take you for . She had seen you had your best and worst , had woken beside you after a rogue killing , had stood beside you through many dangers and fights . Had taken up a cause that was yours that you believed in and never questioned you once , though with this she could never tell you the damage you could cause her and how you could destroy her . You were her Strength and weakness at the same time . The further comments though , about Sam and the others … were a bit too close to the mark , a mark that was freshly made and still smarting , and even the wolf in him reacted to that , seeing eye - to - eye with him - on that at least - as it rankled and stirred to skulk around you . " No , you 're right on point , " his voice darkened . It wasn 't a warning , he was just … It 's complicated , and the spirits whipping around the two of you were not helping the situation any . " but it isn 't Bullshit . It 's shit . I 'll give you that , but then I 've muddied things with Sam , did that the day we crossed between mentor and lover . So you see I had my own cause for concern when you and James did the same . " He wanted to go on , but didn 't know how to explain to you how Sam had always been a part of his life here in Orlando , had been a touchstone . Over the years he could gauge his right decisions and his wrong ones from the way she reacted to him after them . Yes he 'd muddied it … but he didn 't regret the last couple of years . He just … had to hope that losing her as a lover wouldn 't mean losing her from his life . Which is what he was trying to suggest could have happened had he gotten involved with you … . and when he thought it through like that … You know , maybe it was bullshit , but he wasn 't about to share that revelation with you . You turned and for a moment he thought you were pulling away , were leaving , and it fucking lurched at his innards , brought him right back to the now and had his beast circling you , pressing you back to him . Y ' see , unreliable these beasts and their fickle ways . " My reasoning may not be sound , Syd , " he sighed , " but … no - one 's proposing that we go there . At least , I don 't think they are ? " He tried to add a smile to his tone there , and he stepped close - right up so that your back pressed against his chest , and he wrapped his arms slowly around you ( if you 'd let him ) , lay his forehead against the back of yours , the scent of you and your hair filling his nostrils . " You have James . I have … shit to figure out . I don 't see that thinking about other ways this conversation could be going will do either of us any good , so , " His hands took ahold of your upper arms and guided you to turn around , maybe even look at him if you dare . " Run with me . The spirits want some kind of a show . " says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - she didn 't realize she had truly hit on a few of the valid points until you spoke even your metaphysical beast was pushing her back . With the force the strength your words . She leaned into you and rested her head against your own , even allowed your arms to wrap about her form like that of a protection from her own self in the moment . She listened so carefully and smiled a bit hearing those words that fell from your lips . When you finally stopped for a moment and you lead her to turn around and face you she looked up to you with those soft embers . " Nick I don 't need reasons , or whys to what or how things are . I simply need you . I don 't lie to you ; I don 't expect you to lie to me . I have James at the moment because I never saw a you and I . You are my best friend , my truest and most sacred person in this world and I would follow you to hell if it meant keeping your ass alive . I know you are not one to be tied , to be held , you like your freedom , your chances , your choice to do as you please . James is much the same and believes in the whole open relationship stance . Something he learned from you . So I being with him is just a bonus to getting certain needs I have filled . It does not mean by any means he is filling the void in my life . That will never be filled but by you when it comes to what we share . " She said watching you when you spoke of running she would like that and nodded her head softly . " A run will do some good , perhaps I will even beat you this time " she teased softly . He didn 't know much of your arrangement with James but here you were going from not being 100 % about him , to being in an ' open ' relationship . It begged caution , but then so could you regarding anything to do with him . What was he thinking ? You and he . It 'd been the topic on the cards for the last little while and yet how it had gotten there escaped him for a moment . It seemed to arrive almost as soon as he 'd asked you if you 'd been ignoring him . So no , you hadn 't . But you didn 't know how to broach the topic of you and James even though you knew ( I mean , you had to know ) that he would find out about it ? His head buzzed with thoughts and with those pesky spirits swirling and mocking them both , and your wolf and his had gotten tangled up in proximity and it was a fucking good feeling . So let 's just leave it at that . Don 't pick . Don 't stir , don 't look too close . Just smile and enjoy the pretty lady and her mouth . I mean , her eyes . I mean , company . Yes , company , and her scent . He withdrew hands from your cheek , earlier words of yours coming back to him ( ' … we simply never gave into what our natural instinct is to do ' ) . Hm . Suddenly the thought of you and he getting undressed in such close proximity didn 't seem like the safest or wisest of options . He bit down on the corner of his bottom lip and let a broad , arrogant smile slowly spread over his features , and he reached to the hem of his shirt , and tugged upwards , pulling it up over his head . " Yeah , " he mused , tossing it to one side and reaching for his belt . " Good luck with that . "
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JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . says to Everyone : The full moon had come and gone and for once , it had been without incident . The pack house had welcomed in most of its brood and the forest had been alive with the energy of the pack , but now most of them were gone . I say most , however , more had stuck around than would usually . It had taken Nick by surprise , but then it was easy to forget that for some of the wolves in the Pack - regardless of a lack of presence around the house except for that mandatory visit every moon , and regardless of a social circle than involved work mates or whatever - for some of them , the pack was their only family . They may not always have wanted them , they may not always appreciate them , but it was Easter , and like they had done over Christmas and thanksgiving , there were a few faces that stuck around for longer than they technically had to . Which made the place feel more alive than it usually did . Nick , for one , appreciated that . He had wandered the house some , before stepping outside into the forest , now that night had fallen and the new moon was peeking out from behind clouds . It was all to easy to remember the ones that weren 't here , when there were others that were . He tried to keeps his thoughts on the positive side of things , but the spirits were close , as they had been so often recently , and they liked memories , as though they were a currency with them . Mirela had visited , before the moon , and had said something of that sort . She was a strange fish , that one , but she enjoyed being connected to the pack here now that she had made Orlando her home . Despite her lineage , Nick couldn 't see any harm in her . If he didn 't , few others would . Mitch couldn 't recall the last time the pack had a vargamor in their number , so although she was yet to officially fill that capacity , the notion has been floated for consideration . He walked , his feet bare , his senses attuned , but even so , his hands shoved into his pockets . The quiet was pleasant . There were too many times recently that his world had seemed far , far too noisy . says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - Silence filled the nightly air , the shifting was nice , the family was back on the mends and it was one of those times where Syd enjoyed being home more than out . James had gone to play some pool with some of the boys while the blonde decided to stay at the house and mingle . Grabbing up a beer from the fridge she popped the top and headed out back . She felt him , his presences , his wolf , his being and she froze the moment she hit the back yard . Her eyes fell to the ground as she had sorta avoided him and Declan the past few weeks . Trying to figure out if things were set to the marker of her own mind but avoidance among them would never last . Sucking at the long neck bottle in hand she followed Nick 's scent into the woods . Her emerald hues flashing with gold flakes as she moved with silence . The soft squish of the earth beneath her feet sank between her toes . The silence of the forest heighten her hearing , all her senses were on alert , heading deeper into where it was sacred for them . Leaning against a trunk of a tree she closed her eyes to just listen to feel the call of the ancestors as they pushed the memory of the dead around sent the chills of the evening to crawl along her skin . It was warm yet a breeze danced through the trees and she let out a low sigh . Her mind thinking over the past and how they all got to this point . A smile placid upon her velvet lips . she was happy for once , truly at peace with all around and even loved being home again . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : You were never really alone in the forest . The pack had a large enough area of land , and enough of them living there that at any one point there was bound to be another of them out there somewhere , whether you knew it or not . That was before you took into account the various other animals that lived out there . The insects and birds paid little attention , but the other wildlife sensed Nick coming and gave him a wide berth , despite his human form . He wasn 't being overly careful with his scent or the reach of his presence . Let them all know he was here . It was a relief to do it . The whispers of the munin spirits grew louder - not that you could focus on a particular direction for any of them , they were just there - the closer he got to the Lupanar . It wasn 't his set destination but the way he walked always seemed to coincide with that place . Perhaps because the opposite direction when leaving the house led towards the old wooder 's huts , and the memories he associated with that place were unsavoury . He tried to clear his mind , leave thoughts of those things behind , and cast away thoughts of the club , of Tyler / Ryan et al , thoughts of his cabin or of Neala , but it was hard to clear your mind , truly . There was always something , desperate to fill the space left by some other thing . His steps faltered and he turned his head . He was being followed . On instinct , his shields closed around his beast and those whispers died abruptly , leaving only the sounds of the forest at night . He ducked right and stayed downwind and he circled around . By the time he reached you , you had , in fact , stopped , and were resting against a tree trunk . He approached without a sound , after a teensy - weensy deliberation about whether or not to disturb you , and , from behind the tree , wrapped his arms around it and covered your eyes with his hands . says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - Her heart beat was steady , not low or over active , simply strong and steady and she was calm . She didn 't necessarily follow you not in the sense of stalking , simply liked your idea of just walking being in the place that seemed to calm the soul . Her beast was relaxed and sated , when you had threw up your shields she had looked around for the danger she was sure to follow her body tensed her metaphysical beast was on guard . With no sounds coming her way she continued to lean upon the trunk closing her embers once more to allow for the forest to fill her sense . To see it through her beast 's eyes . Though the darkness poured in when your hands covered her eyes and she sniffed , a low whimper escaped her lips she knew by the beating of your heart , the makeup of who you were and the feel of those hands upon her eyes it was you . Her heart had started to pick up pace , fingers brush over your own as she brushed the knuckles of your hands . " You know for a man of Surprises you fail in the approach of being recognized " She teased softly . She held herself bound to the tree a few moments unsure of what intentions either of them had and with a soft parting giggle and knowing your hands weren 't tight upon her face . She wiggled her way free before feet fell upon the earth and she took off in a run , nothing fast or she was afraid , simply took to the woods surrounding them . " You coming " She called over her shoulder feeling the freedom that made her feel alive . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : So he was a man of surprises ? You probably would 've liked to have seen his face when you uttered that one , but , unfortunately for you , your eyes were covered at that point . He released his shields then letting that familiar presence just spread it 's warmth and power around the area we were in , not particularly targeting you , but you and he had physical contact , it would be difficult to avoid , so why try ? " Who said I didn 't want to be recognised ? " He laughed gently as you pulled away , and he lowered his arms and rounded the tree . " Just checking how aware you are of your surroundings . " Perhaps making sure that all that James had been teaching you wasn 't being forgotten now that James was doing more than just teaching you . Off you ran , and it wasn 't the kind of escaping dash that would trigger that CHASE instinct , but it pulled at him anyway . Maybe you had been following him , maybe you hadn 't , but he 'd become aware of you and sought out your company , and here you were abandoning him . Can 't be having that . " Already there , " he muttered to the wind , and his feet were carrying him forward , drawn to action , and he was ducking and weaving through the trees to draw up next to you . His shields down , those whispers were there again , a flurry of noise and excitement now that the two wolves were running amongst them . He didn 't question if you were aware of them , just accepted it as a thing . " Anywhere in particular ? " He smirked , offering you lead in this little jog of ours , even as he rounded a large fallen tree , navigating this territory of ours with ease . He wondered if you 'd venture to the lupanar , in the same way that it always pulled at him . It was true that he had found you there before . says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - She had heard your words and the laugh that peeled over her flesh like that of a soft trail of butterfly kisses . She had been very aware of what was around her and she fed off your wolf , when your shields went into place she waited , counted and even could sense you peeling back towards her , she even gave in to the whispers , the calls , the voices of the lupanar as it reached out to her . She was learning so much and felt the joy of the moments lately . Looking back when she had took of she felt you close to her when you caught up and they were headed to the Lupanar it always called to her , spoke to her , pulled her in the warmth of its embrace and welcomed her being . Stopping when you asked anywhere in particular she smiled and took your hand as they headed deeper into the woods . The other creatures gave them more room then was needed and she began to walk with ease once they reached the place . The luminance of light between scattered branches gave way to the beauty that was held here . Her heart was beating and with your shields dropped she felt herself bath in the comfort of you once more . Turning she looked to you , those soft emeralds falling on your features she tilts her head and speaking once more . " I am aware of the settings about us , I am aware of everything that binds us and it is in this spot that makes the bad of the world fade and all of us become one . They speak to me Nick , do they ever call to you ? " She asked curiously standing there squishing her toes in to the earth and feeling the magic shift through her form says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : The lupanar it was , and his smile broadened on his lips as you took his hand and led him through the trees into the natural clearing , where the large crescent rock formation nestled amongst the treeline at one edge of the clearing had become the focal point for that gathering of munin . The spirits of their fallen pack mates . For how long this had been where there bodies had been brought , had been committed to pack memory , he didn 't know . Many of the spirits here were wolves he would never ever have known , that predated his time here - and that of most of the wolves currently in residence . There were some , though , too many , that he had known . To say ' Rest in Peace ' seemed out of place , because here they were : anything but peaceful . You waxed poetic as you spoke , and it warmed him . You had that way about you sometimes . Call it a quirk of character . To those that didn 't know you it wouldn 't fit what they thought of you , but he knew you , had seen this side of your nature . " They rarely shut up , " he murmured quietly . " used to be , it bothered me . Either it stopped creeping me out , or I got used to it . I don 't know which . " So it wasn 't just him then , that 's good . Not all of the wolves could sense them , or at least , sense them for what they were - beyond a mere breeze of energy . He turned his attention on you , and he faced you , lifting his hand - with yours attached - to chest height . " So you 're not ignoring me ? " He didn 't want to talk work . Perhaps that was inescapable . But this was hardly just a work thing , was it ? says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - She had closed her eyes and tilted her head into the moment , feeling the soft breeze upon her flesh as it raked along her skin and rose the bumps . She was taking in those of fallen pack , those of past and present those she knew and didn 't and in it she had learned so much , craved their knowledge and protection . Once she had longed stop fighting and learn to listen she realized the sanctity of their home and people . Learned that without this place and without the pack she had nothing would simply be a being who was trying to survive in a world where chaos and hatred was stronger than love and memories . Opening her embers she looked to you a moment as you gave her a murmured response and she chuckled softly . The honey tone filled the air about them . Shaking those long blonde locks from her face as she seemed to truly relax around you she gave more and more of her docile nature , the curious chic who had a softer side to the bitch she showed to all . She was simply a harden shell keeping those away she didn 't want close , kept herself from being crushed when it truly matter . " I at first didn 't understand it , them , or what they wanted but being here , learning from you and the rest , and what I feel inside of me I learned to listen to let them in and accept their blessings and teachings . " She said softly before feeling you turn and face her , lifting her hand up to your chest height . She watched you a few moments , eyes locked on your own as the question was presented and a small red tint touched her cheeks . " I was at first , then I wasn 't our schedules had not matched up Nick . " She felt her heart speed up , her hand in yours and she saw the look in your eyes , felt the comfort , and draw of your power against her own like that when they had shared the couch during a movie a while back . It was the feel she always felt around you , one she always tried to ignore and leave it at the door but it was you and she knew fighting would always be a battle she would slowly lose . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : Despite the noise , the whispers that came in waves that grew quiet then would build and crash against those who cared to listen , there was a peace to be had - not just from being here in this sacred place , but being with you . If he tried , he could think of a number of reasons for that , but the easiest was that he had no secrets from you . At times , that could be detrimental , but at other times - times like this - it was a boon . You weren 't just aware of his part to play at Carmine , you were involved . You weren 't just aware of all the crap that had gone down there in the past , and all that had gone on here at the house . You had been there , you had fought . You had been at his side . It allowed for a certain amount of shorthand , a certain … ability to skip past the bullshit . " That 's a terrible excuse . If there 's something you have to say to me or ask of me , you have my number . You know where I live . You know you can come to me or call on me . " He meant that , knew you knew he meant it . He lifted his eyes , glanced about , trying to get a fix on those spirits . There were interested in all of this of course , in these two wolves that had come to their realm , gave them something to excite themselves about . Their energy was rich with potential . " But , " he began , slowly returning his eyes to you . " I also get the distinct impression it 's more that you expect me to have something to say to you . Look , Syd , if it 's about James … " - She shifted a bit not realizing she had stepped closer to you and your form and it was nice and easy that they never kept secrets , she knew of the past , had fought with you , knew of what and who you did . She even knew of things that came and went and most of it you always shared with her in some way or another . It was something she never gave much thought and with them standing in this place , upon sacred ground she had tilted her head as your eyes scanned our over the top of her . Closing her embers she embraced the magic and let the thoughts guide her in what embrace it shared and with it came a simple knowledge that you and her were linked and bound not by blood , or truly packed , but by a friendship so deep that no matter what happened she would always have your back . It was you who had hers when no one else ever did and she had never forgotten it and her loyalty was yours to the end . Listening to your words as you spoke she lifted a slender shoulder before it dropped and she opened the rich greens and spoke softly . " I know Nick and I was wrong for trying to avoid you , I just didn 't know what to honestly say to you about me and James . . I am still not 100 % sure of him , he is great . . but Honestly there are things I am afraid will always hold me back . Things I tell myself repeatedly are not going to happen and are not something I should hope for and yet … " she paused a moment . " I just can 't " turning her eyes towards the heavens she spoke in a lower whispered tone you heard clearly . " And I know your wolf belongs to another " she said biting at her lower lip . It would never change her feelings even if she fought them . They were the same . She simply had to ignore them if she were to make the best of it . Allow you your freedoms , your choices , and even allow you your space . She knew you far to well to ever demand anything of you and she could live with that . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : You had a smile on his lips , at least . " We work and live together ; Avoiding me was never going to work , not for very long . " Yes , yes , I know . He technically lived elsewhere , but that 's besides the point , and not extremely relevant . He 'd been staying here more , recently , in the house or in the forest , and a couple of times he 'd stayed at Carmine . The cabin - except for that night Captain Giles had needed to drink himself into a stupor - had been all but empty . It wasn 't the same , and that , whilst being his fault , was a damn shame . But good . Positive , if he allowed himself to look at it that way . " And being 100 % sure of anybody is … a lot harder than it sounds , and it doesn 't sound simple . " He was trying to help . God knows why . When he heard you 'd gotten involved with James he 'd blinked more times than was necessary . Had thought that was never on the cards , but there is was . But , he guessed , before he and James had their fight , before the night where it seemed everyone settled their scores and challenges were made and met - including yours with Sam - it hadn 't been possible , perhaps . Nick knew where your loyalties lay when it came to that difference of opinions James and he had . Since then , James had quietened . As Hati - he still had authority , albeit a demotion of sorts , but he respected that , respected Mitch 's decision and the way the chips had fallen . There had been no further tousles . Not yet , anyway . It was easy to see what could have happened . Declan had paid the price of throwing his weight around , and the rules out of the window . Nick didn 't particularly understand what those things were that were holding you back , but if you were unsure about James , no - one was going to rush you , and - despite what others may think - he wasn 't about to try and talk you out of it . Just support you . Have moments like this . " My wolf , " he cleared his throat , " thinks it knows what it wants . It can sod off , if you ask me . There 's trouble and there 's trouble … " he exhaled , that beast in him stirring , getting that sense it was being defied in some way and giving off a ripple of a growl - nothing aloud - simply a reverberation of presence . " … What 's that got to do with it ? " Her own moving to console it to calm it from the riled fur of its neck . Pulling your hand up to her cheek she brush your knuckles of her face gently before kissing the back of your hand and speaking . " I know we work together , live together . We are practically always around one another Nick , it changes nothing but solves everything . It is harder than it sounds but for me I cant let certain things go that I feel . Your wolf wants another . . It simply settles for the comfort but it riles for another being and I have felt it . Everyone has when you are around that being . . Have you ever asked yourself why we have never made it to the bedroom ? Why we simply never gave into what our natural instinct is to do ? " She asked tilting her head when she looked up and continued to hold your hand . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : " It solves everything ? " He chuckled , but didn 't let that deter you from speaking the rest of your words . He wondered what you meant by that , what it solved - that you were always around each other . You went on to speak about his wolf as if this was something that you had noticed , but beyond that , that others had noticed . The smile faded , brows tugging towards each other as he frowned . Were the wants ( and needs ? ) of his wolf so transparent ? That thought bothered him . Was a timely reminder of why he and Neala needed to carry on keeping each other 's way , though . This connection of theirs that had managed to form didn 't seem to bother her as much as it once had . Ah , the good old days . " The wolf doesn 't always get what it wants , " he stated , and it was more blustery , more raw than he wanted it to be . He softened his tone , and lowered that hand of his ( and yours ) down between us . His eyes followed as he pieced together his thoughts . " The benefit of being what we are , is that we have this animal nature , and at times it 's so pure and in tune with its surroundings and desires , it can guide us if we let it , and that 's an amazing thing … " his fingers released yours , slipping from your grip too , though tracing down along the back of your hand and along your forearm , the barest of touches from calloused fingertips . " But that 's not all we are . We can think and feel in a way that they can 't , because as much as we , as I 'd love for life so be as simple as they see it , it just isn 't . There is so much more at play here than they would ever want or be able to understand . It 's a balance , " he nodded , as if to cement his point . " And it 's me that 's right this time . Not the wolf . " He 'd traced along your entire arm , then skipped your neck ( i . e . the good part ) to place a large warm hand against your cheek , his gaze having lifted to fix upon your eyes now , a steady , intense , yet calm gaze . " You know , I always thought that if I allowed myself to get closer to you than … than we are now , have been , I risked losing Sam . " He still didn 't know how right he was about that . " Not that that matters now . " This was his way of answering what you had asked of him . " Have you ? " says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - Making a face with you said it solves everything ? She heard the chuckle that fell from your lips , she groaned a bit thinking you weren 't getting what she was meaning . Watching you as you stated your point she blinked a few moments trying to understand the bite in your words before you had lowered their hand back between them . Listening to your words she tilted her head as it seemed sometimes the beast was smarter than its counterpart and in certain times like this one yours was a bit on the more know how then the complications of what life entailed . She wouldn 't say it out loud as her fingers were released and her hand fell to her side , she simply closed her eyes tot eh skitter of kisses along her heated flesh , along her forearm in a dance of like touches and she shivered not to the breeze that licked through the forest and pressed upon their above normal body temps but to the touch , the shiver , the chill that you sent and how close you were In that moment . The feel of the pull from this place . Swallowing a lump that had formed in her throat the husk in her tone and she bullshit reason of losing Sam was why you and her had never gone to bed in the since of sex had certainly caught her attention as her eyes opened and she looked into your hues . The reflection of green followed and she shook her head . " Bullshit . . Nick . . It solves everything that we are in each other 's lives . . That we work together , live together . . That we are as close as many wished to be . We don 't hold secrets from one another and this is why it solves many things that would be normal trouble for those who couldn 't see it or acknowledge what we know and share . As for you risking losing Sam is bullshit . . You were with Carmen , Cerise , Sam , and who ever else . . so No you would lose Sam to others before you would have to me unless others were not a threat and I am missing the point here ? " She said as she lowered her head a moment biting on her lower lip not truly wishing to answer that question when it was aimed back at her . She turned from you , not in the means of turning her back but simply she didn 't want you to see her expression or the hue that would rise to great extent when she spoke . Hell even having you standing so close behind her , all she had to do was lean back and she would feel you . Touch you … . " Nick I have thought about it " she started off and her voice dropped a bit . . " But to go there would mean to touch uncharted waters that could be more damaging then good . On the flip side going there could prove many things to both of us . But an act I had never touched upon . " She had fallen silent while her orbs closed once more and she felt it , the beat of her heart as it sped up and she felt herself fight against that in which she knew was holding her back … You scared her and not in the monstrous ways like many would take you for . She had seen you had your best and worst , had woken beside you after a rogue killing , had stood beside you through many dangers and fights . Had taken up a cause that was yours that you believed in and never questioned you once , though with this she could never tell you the damage you could cause her and how you could destroy her . You were her Strength and weakness at the same time . The further comments though , about Sam and the others … were a bit too close to the mark , a mark that was freshly made and still smarting , and even the wolf in him reacted to that , seeing eye - to - eye with him - on that at least - as it rankled and stirred to skulk around you . " No , you 're right on point , " his voice darkened . It wasn 't a warning , he was just … It 's complicated , and the spirits whipping around the two of you were not helping the situation any . " but it isn 't Bullshit . It 's shit . I 'll give you that , but then I 've muddied things with Sam , did that the day we crossed between mentor and lover . So you see I had my own cause for concern when you and James did the same . " He wanted to go on , but didn 't know how to explain to you how Sam had always been a part of his life here in Orlando , had been a touchstone . Over the years he could gauge his right decisions and his wrong ones from the way she reacted to him after them . Yes he 'd muddied it … but he didn 't regret the last couple of years . He just … had to hope that losing her as a lover wouldn 't mean losing her from his life . Which is what he was trying to suggest could have happened had he gotten involved with you … . and when he thought it through like that … You know , maybe it was bullshit , but he wasn 't about to share that revelation with you . You turned and for a moment he thought you were pulling away , were leaving , and it fucking lurched at his innards , brought him right back to the now and had his beast circling you , pressing you back to him . Y ' see , unreliable these beasts and their fickle ways . " My reasoning may not be sound , Syd , " he sighed , " but … no - one 's proposing that we go there . At least , I don 't think they are ? " He tried to add a smile to his tone there , and he stepped close - right up so that your back pressed against his chest , and he wrapped his arms slowly around you ( if you 'd let him ) , lay his forehead against the back of yours , the scent of you and your hair filling his nostrils . " You have James . I have … shit to figure out . I don 't see that thinking about other ways this conversation could be going will do either of us any good , so , " His hands took ahold of your upper arms and guided you to turn around , maybe even look at him if you dare . " Run with me . The spirits want some kind of a show . " says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - she didn 't realize she had truly hit on a few of the valid points until you spoke even your metaphysical beast was pushing her back . With the force the strength your words . She leaned into you and rested her head against your own , even allowed your arms to wrap about her form like that of a protection from her own self in the moment . She listened so carefully and smiled a bit hearing those words that fell from your lips . When you finally stopped for a moment and you lead her to turn around and face you she looked up to you with those soft embers . " Nick I don 't need reasons , or whys to what or how things are . I simply need you . I don 't lie to you ; I don 't expect you to lie to me . I have James at the moment because I never saw a you and I . You are my best friend , my truest and most sacred person in this world and I would follow you to hell if it meant keeping your ass alive . I know you are not one to be tied , to be held , you like your freedom , your chances , your choice to do as you please . James is much the same and believes in the whole open relationship stance . Something he learned from you . So I being with him is just a bonus to getting certain needs I have filled . It does not mean by any means he is filling the void in my life . That will never be filled but by you when it comes to what we share . " She said watching you when you spoke of running she would like that and nodded her head softly . " A run will do some good , perhaps I will even beat you this time " she teased softly . He didn 't know much of your arrangement with James but here you were going from not being 100 % about him , to being in an ' open ' relationship . It begged caution , but then so could you regarding anything to do with him . What was he thinking ? You and he . It 'd been the topic on the cards for the last little while and yet how it had gotten there escaped him for a moment . It seemed to arrive almost as soon as he 'd asked you if you 'd been ignoring him . So no , you hadn 't . But you didn 't know how to broach the topic of you and James even though you knew ( I mean , you had to know ) that he would find out about it ? His head buzzed with thoughts and with those pesky spirits swirling and mocking them both , and your wolf and his had gotten tangled up in proximity and it was a fucking good feeling . So let 's just leave it at that . Don 't pick . Don 't stir , don 't look too close . Just smile and enjoy the pretty lady and her mouth . I mean , her eyes . I mean , company . Yes , company , and her scent . He withdrew hands from your cheek , earlier words of yours coming back to him ( ' … we simply never gave into what our natural instinct is to do ' ) . Hm . Suddenly the thought of you and he getting undressed in such close proximity didn 't seem like the safest or wisest of options . He bit down on the corner of his bottom lip and let a broad , arrogant smile slowly spread over his features , and he reached to the hem of his shirt , and tugged upwards , pulling it up over his head . " Yeah , " he mused , tossing it to one side and reaching for his belt . " Good luck with that . "
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JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . says to Everyone : The full moon had come and gone and for once , it had been without incident . The pack house had welcomed in most of its brood and the forest had been alive with the energy of the pack , but now most of them were gone . I say most , however , more had stuck around than would usually . It had taken Nick by surprise , but then it was easy to forget that for some of the wolves in the Pack - regardless of a lack of presence around the house except for that mandatory visit every moon , and regardless of a social circle than involved work mates or whatever - for some of them , the pack was their only family . They may not always have wanted them , they may not always appreciate them , but it was Easter , and like they had done over Christmas and thanksgiving , there were a few faces that stuck around for longer than they technically had to . Which made the place feel more alive than it usually did . Nick , for one , appreciated that . He had wandered the house some , before stepping outside into the forest , now that night had fallen and the new moon was peeking out from behind clouds . It was all to easy to remember the ones that weren 't here , when there were others that were . He tried to keeps his thoughts on the positive side of things , but the spirits were close , as they had been so often recently , and they liked memories , as though they were a currency with them . Mirela had visited , before the moon , and had said something of that sort . She was a strange fish , that one , but she enjoyed being connected to the pack here now that she had made Orlando her home . Despite her lineage , Nick couldn 't see any harm in her . If he didn 't , few others would . Mitch couldn 't recall the last time the pack had a vargamor in their number , so although she was yet to officially fill that capacity , the notion has been floated for consideration . He walked , his feet bare , his senses attuned , but even so , his hands shoved into his pockets . The quiet was pleasant . There were too many times recently that his world had seemed far , far too noisy . says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - Silence filled the nightly air , the shifting was nice , the family was back on the mends and it was one of those times where Syd enjoyed being home more than out . James had gone to play some pool with some of the boys while the blonde decided to stay at the house and mingle . Grabbing up a beer from the fridge she popped the top and headed out back . She felt him , his presences , his wolf , his being and she froze the moment she hit the back yard . Her eyes fell to the ground as she had sorta avoided him and Declan the past few weeks . Trying to figure out if things were set to the marker of her own mind but avoidance among them would never last . Sucking at the long neck bottle in hand she followed Nick 's scent into the woods . Her emerald hues flashing with gold flakes as she moved with silence . The soft squish of the earth beneath her feet sank between her toes . The silence of the forest heighten her hearing , all her senses were on alert , heading deeper into where it was sacred for them . Leaning against a trunk of a tree she closed her eyes to just listen to feel the call of the ancestors as they pushed the memory of the dead around sent the chills of the evening to crawl along her skin . It was warm yet a breeze danced through the trees and she let out a low sigh . Her mind thinking over the past and how they all got to this point . A smile placid upon her velvet lips . she was happy for once , truly at peace with all around and even loved being home again . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : You were never really alone in the forest . The pack had a large enough area of land , and enough of them living there that at any one point there was bound to be another of them out there somewhere , whether you knew it or not . That was before you took into account the various other animals that lived out there . The insects and birds paid little attention , but the other wildlife sensed Nick coming and gave him a wide berth , despite his human form . He wasn 't being overly careful with his scent or the reach of his presence . Let them all know he was here . It was a relief to do it . The whispers of the munin spirits grew louder - not that you could focus on a particular direction for any of them , they were just there - the closer he got to the Lupanar . It wasn 't his set destination but the way he walked always seemed to coincide with that place . Perhaps because the opposite direction when leaving the house led towards the old wooder 's huts , and the memories he associated with that place were unsavoury . He tried to clear his mind , leave thoughts of those things behind , and cast away thoughts of the club , of Tyler / Ryan et al , thoughts of his cabin or of Neala , but it was hard to clear your mind , truly . There was always something , desperate to fill the space left by some other thing . His steps faltered and he turned his head . He was being followed . On instinct , his shields closed around his beast and those whispers died abruptly , leaving only the sounds of the forest at night . He ducked right and stayed downwind and he circled around . By the time he reached you , you had , in fact , stopped , and were resting against a tree trunk . He approached without a sound , after a teensy - weensy deliberation about whether or not to disturb you , and , from behind the tree , wrapped his arms around it and covered your eyes with his hands . says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - Her heart beat was steady , not low or over active , simply strong and steady and she was calm . She didn 't necessarily follow you not in the sense of stalking , simply liked your idea of just walking being in the place that seemed to calm the soul . Her beast was relaxed and sated , when you had threw up your shields she had looked around for the danger she was sure to follow her body tensed her metaphysical beast was on guard . With no sounds coming her way she continued to lean upon the trunk closing her embers once more to allow for the forest to fill her sense . To see it through her beast 's eyes . Though the darkness poured in when your hands covered her eyes and she sniffed , a low whimper escaped her lips she knew by the beating of your heart , the makeup of who you were and the feel of those hands upon her eyes it was you . Her heart had started to pick up pace , fingers brush over your own as she brushed the knuckles of your hands . " You know for a man of Surprises you fail in the approach of being recognized " She teased softly . She held herself bound to the tree a few moments unsure of what intentions either of them had and with a soft parting giggle and knowing your hands weren 't tight upon her face . She wiggled her way free before feet fell upon the earth and she took off in a run , nothing fast or she was afraid , simply took to the woods surrounding them . " You coming " She called over her shoulder feeling the freedom that made her feel alive . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : So he was a man of surprises ? You probably would 've liked to have seen his face when you uttered that one , but , unfortunately for you , your eyes were covered at that point . He released his shields then letting that familiar presence just spread it 's warmth and power around the area we were in , not particularly targeting you , but you and he had physical contact , it would be difficult to avoid , so why try ? " Who said I didn 't want to be recognised ? " He laughed gently as you pulled away , and he lowered his arms and rounded the tree . " Just checking how aware you are of your surroundings . " Perhaps making sure that all that James had been teaching you wasn 't being forgotten now that James was doing more than just teaching you . Off you ran , and it wasn 't the kind of escaping dash that would trigger that CHASE instinct , but it pulled at him anyway . Maybe you had been following him , maybe you hadn 't , but he 'd become aware of you and sought out your company , and here you were abandoning him . Can 't be having that . " Already there , " he muttered to the wind , and his feet were carrying him forward , drawn to action , and he was ducking and weaving through the trees to draw up next to you . His shields down , those whispers were there again , a flurry of noise and excitement now that the two wolves were running amongst them . He didn 't question if you were aware of them , just accepted it as a thing . " Anywhere in particular ? " He smirked , offering you lead in this little jog of ours , even as he rounded a large fallen tree , navigating this territory of ours with ease . He wondered if you 'd venture to the lupanar , in the same way that it always pulled at him . It was true that he had found you there before . says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - She had heard your words and the laugh that peeled over her flesh like that of a soft trail of butterfly kisses . She had been very aware of what was around her and she fed off your wolf , when your shields went into place she waited , counted and even could sense you peeling back towards her , she even gave in to the whispers , the calls , the voices of the lupanar as it reached out to her . She was learning so much and felt the joy of the moments lately . Looking back when she had took of she felt you close to her when you caught up and they were headed to the Lupanar it always called to her , spoke to her , pulled her in the warmth of its embrace and welcomed her being . Stopping when you asked anywhere in particular she smiled and took your hand as they headed deeper into the woods . The other creatures gave them more room then was needed and she began to walk with ease once they reached the place . The luminance of light between scattered branches gave way to the beauty that was held here . Her heart was beating and with your shields dropped she felt herself bath in the comfort of you once more . Turning she looked to you , those soft emeralds falling on your features she tilts her head and speaking once more . " I am aware of the settings about us , I am aware of everything that binds us and it is in this spot that makes the bad of the world fade and all of us become one . They speak to me Nick , do they ever call to you ? " She asked curiously standing there squishing her toes in to the earth and feeling the magic shift through her form says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : The lupanar it was , and his smile broadened on his lips as you took his hand and led him through the trees into the natural clearing , where the large crescent rock formation nestled amongst the treeline at one edge of the clearing had become the focal point for that gathering of munin . The spirits of their fallen pack mates . For how long this had been where there bodies had been brought , had been committed to pack memory , he didn 't know . Many of the spirits here were wolves he would never ever have known , that predated his time here - and that of most of the wolves currently in residence . There were some , though , too many , that he had known . To say ' Rest in Peace ' seemed out of place , because here they were : anything but peaceful . You waxed poetic as you spoke , and it warmed him . You had that way about you sometimes . Call it a quirk of character . To those that didn 't know you it wouldn 't fit what they thought of you , but he knew you , had seen this side of your nature . " They rarely shut up , " he murmured quietly . " used to be , it bothered me . Either it stopped creeping me out , or I got used to it . I don 't know which . " So it wasn 't just him then , that 's good . Not all of the wolves could sense them , or at least , sense them for what they were - beyond a mere breeze of energy . He turned his attention on you , and he faced you , lifting his hand - with yours attached - to chest height . " So you 're not ignoring me ? " He didn 't want to talk work . Perhaps that was inescapable . But this was hardly just a work thing , was it ? says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - She had closed her eyes and tilted her head into the moment , feeling the soft breeze upon her flesh as it raked along her skin and rose the bumps . She was taking in those of fallen pack , those of past and present those she knew and didn 't and in it she had learned so much , craved their knowledge and protection . Once she had longed stop fighting and learn to listen she realized the sanctity of their home and people . Learned that without this place and without the pack she had nothing would simply be a being who was trying to survive in a world where chaos and hatred was stronger than love and memories . Opening her embers she looked to you a moment as you gave her a murmured response and she chuckled softly . The honey tone filled the air about them . Shaking those long blonde locks from her face as she seemed to truly relax around you she gave more and more of her docile nature , the curious chic who had a softer side to the bitch she showed to all . She was simply a harden shell keeping those away she didn 't want close , kept herself from being crushed when it truly matter . " I at first didn 't understand it , them , or what they wanted but being here , learning from you and the rest , and what I feel inside of me I learned to listen to let them in and accept their blessings and teachings . " She said softly before feeling you turn and face her , lifting her hand up to your chest height . She watched you a few moments , eyes locked on your own as the question was presented and a small red tint touched her cheeks . " I was at first , then I wasn 't our schedules had not matched up Nick . " She felt her heart speed up , her hand in yours and she saw the look in your eyes , felt the comfort , and draw of your power against her own like that when they had shared the couch during a movie a while back . It was the feel she always felt around you , one she always tried to ignore and leave it at the door but it was you and she knew fighting would always be a battle she would slowly lose . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : Despite the noise , the whispers that came in waves that grew quiet then would build and crash against those who cared to listen , there was a peace to be had - not just from being here in this sacred place , but being with you . If he tried , he could think of a number of reasons for that , but the easiest was that he had no secrets from you . At times , that could be detrimental , but at other times - times like this - it was a boon . You weren 't just aware of his part to play at Carmine , you were involved . You weren 't just aware of all the crap that had gone down there in the past , and all that had gone on here at the house . You had been there , you had fought . You had been at his side . It allowed for a certain amount of shorthand , a certain … ability to skip past the bullshit . " That 's a terrible excuse . If there 's something you have to say to me or ask of me , you have my number . You know where I live . You know you can come to me or call on me . " He meant that , knew you knew he meant it . He lifted his eyes , glanced about , trying to get a fix on those spirits . There were interested in all of this of course , in these two wolves that had come to their realm , gave them something to excite themselves about . Their energy was rich with potential . " But , " he began , slowly returning his eyes to you . " I also get the distinct impression it 's more that you expect me to have something to say to you . Look , Syd , if it 's about James … " - She shifted a bit not realizing she had stepped closer to you and your form and it was nice and easy that they never kept secrets , she knew of the past , had fought with you , knew of what and who you did . She even knew of things that came and went and most of it you always shared with her in some way or another . It was something she never gave much thought and with them standing in this place , upon sacred ground she had tilted her head as your eyes scanned our over the top of her . Closing her embers she embraced the magic and let the thoughts guide her in what embrace it shared and with it came a simple knowledge that you and her were linked and bound not by blood , or truly packed , but by a friendship so deep that no matter what happened she would always have your back . It was you who had hers when no one else ever did and she had never forgotten it and her loyalty was yours to the end . Listening to your words as you spoke she lifted a slender shoulder before it dropped and she opened the rich greens and spoke softly . " I know Nick and I was wrong for trying to avoid you , I just didn 't know what to honestly say to you about me and James . . I am still not 100 % sure of him , he is great . . but Honestly there are things I am afraid will always hold me back . Things I tell myself repeatedly are not going to happen and are not something I should hope for and yet … " she paused a moment . " I just can 't " turning her eyes towards the heavens she spoke in a lower whispered tone you heard clearly . " And I know your wolf belongs to another " she said biting at her lower lip . It would never change her feelings even if she fought them . They were the same . She simply had to ignore them if she were to make the best of it . Allow you your freedoms , your choices , and even allow you your space . She knew you far to well to ever demand anything of you and she could live with that . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : You had a smile on his lips , at least . " We work and live together ; Avoiding me was never going to work , not for very long . " Yes , yes , I know . He technically lived elsewhere , but that 's besides the point , and not extremely relevant . He 'd been staying here more , recently , in the house or in the forest , and a couple of times he 'd stayed at Carmine . The cabin - except for that night Captain Giles had needed to drink himself into a stupor - had been all but empty . It wasn 't the same , and that , whilst being his fault , was a damn shame . But good . Positive , if he allowed himself to look at it that way . " And being 100 % sure of anybody is … a lot harder than it sounds , and it doesn 't sound simple . " He was trying to help . God knows why . When he heard you 'd gotten involved with James he 'd blinked more times than was necessary . Had thought that was never on the cards , but there is was . But , he guessed , before he and James had their fight , before the night where it seemed everyone settled their scores and challenges were made and met - including yours with Sam - it hadn 't been possible , perhaps . Nick knew where your loyalties lay when it came to that difference of opinions James and he had . Since then , James had quietened . As Hati - he still had authority , albeit a demotion of sorts , but he respected that , respected Mitch 's decision and the way the chips had fallen . There had been no further tousles . Not yet , anyway . It was easy to see what could have happened . Declan had paid the price of throwing his weight around , and the rules out of the window . Nick didn 't particularly understand what those things were that were holding you back , but if you were unsure about James , no - one was going to rush you , and - despite what others may think - he wasn 't about to try and talk you out of it . Just support you . Have moments like this . " My wolf , " he cleared his throat , " thinks it knows what it wants . It can sod off , if you ask me . There 's trouble and there 's trouble … " he exhaled , that beast in him stirring , getting that sense it was being defied in some way and giving off a ripple of a growl - nothing aloud - simply a reverberation of presence . " … What 's that got to do with it ? " Her own moving to console it to calm it from the riled fur of its neck . Pulling your hand up to her cheek she brush your knuckles of her face gently before kissing the back of your hand and speaking . " I know we work together , live together . We are practically always around one another Nick , it changes nothing but solves everything . It is harder than it sounds but for me I cant let certain things go that I feel . Your wolf wants another . . It simply settles for the comfort but it riles for another being and I have felt it . Everyone has when you are around that being . . Have you ever asked yourself why we have never made it to the bedroom ? Why we simply never gave into what our natural instinct is to do ? " She asked tilting her head when she looked up and continued to hold your hand . says to : : [ Sex and Candy ] : : Sy : " It solves everything ? " He chuckled , but didn 't let that deter you from speaking the rest of your words . He wondered what you meant by that , what it solved - that you were always around each other . You went on to speak about his wolf as if this was something that you had noticed , but beyond that , that others had noticed . The smile faded , brows tugging towards each other as he frowned . Were the wants ( and needs ? ) of his wolf so transparent ? That thought bothered him . Was a timely reminder of why he and Neala needed to carry on keeping each other 's way , though . This connection of theirs that had managed to form didn 't seem to bother her as much as it once had . Ah , the good old days . " The wolf doesn 't always get what it wants , " he stated , and it was more blustery , more raw than he wanted it to be . He softened his tone , and lowered that hand of his ( and yours ) down between us . His eyes followed as he pieced together his thoughts . " The benefit of being what we are , is that we have this animal nature , and at times it 's so pure and in tune with its surroundings and desires , it can guide us if we let it , and that 's an amazing thing … " his fingers released yours , slipping from your grip too , though tracing down along the back of your hand and along your forearm , the barest of touches from calloused fingertips . " But that 's not all we are . We can think and feel in a way that they can 't , because as much as we , as I 'd love for life so be as simple as they see it , it just isn 't . There is so much more at play here than they would ever want or be able to understand . It 's a balance , " he nodded , as if to cement his point . " And it 's me that 's right this time . Not the wolf . " He 'd traced along your entire arm , then skipped your neck ( i . e . the good part ) to place a large warm hand against your cheek , his gaze having lifted to fix upon your eyes now , a steady , intense , yet calm gaze . " You know , I always thought that if I allowed myself to get closer to you than … than we are now , have been , I risked losing Sam . " He still didn 't know how right he was about that . " Not that that matters now . " This was his way of answering what you had asked of him . " Have you ? " says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - Making a face with you said it solves everything ? She heard the chuckle that fell from your lips , she groaned a bit thinking you weren 't getting what she was meaning . Watching you as you stated your point she blinked a few moments trying to understand the bite in your words before you had lowered their hand back between them . Listening to your words she tilted her head as it seemed sometimes the beast was smarter than its counterpart and in certain times like this one yours was a bit on the more know how then the complications of what life entailed . She wouldn 't say it out loud as her fingers were released and her hand fell to her side , she simply closed her eyes tot eh skitter of kisses along her heated flesh , along her forearm in a dance of like touches and she shivered not to the breeze that licked through the forest and pressed upon their above normal body temps but to the touch , the shiver , the chill that you sent and how close you were In that moment . The feel of the pull from this place . Swallowing a lump that had formed in her throat the husk in her tone and she bullshit reason of losing Sam was why you and her had never gone to bed in the since of sex had certainly caught her attention as her eyes opened and she looked into your hues . The reflection of green followed and she shook her head . " Bullshit . . Nick . . It solves everything that we are in each other 's lives . . That we work together , live together . . That we are as close as many wished to be . We don 't hold secrets from one another and this is why it solves many things that would be normal trouble for those who couldn 't see it or acknowledge what we know and share . As for you risking losing Sam is bullshit . . You were with Carmen , Cerise , Sam , and who ever else . . so No you would lose Sam to others before you would have to me unless others were not a threat and I am missing the point here ? " She said as she lowered her head a moment biting on her lower lip not truly wishing to answer that question when it was aimed back at her . She turned from you , not in the means of turning her back but simply she didn 't want you to see her expression or the hue that would rise to great extent when she spoke . Hell even having you standing so close behind her , all she had to do was lean back and she would feel you . Touch you … . " Nick I have thought about it " she started off and her voice dropped a bit . . " But to go there would mean to touch uncharted waters that could be more damaging then good . On the flip side going there could prove many things to both of us . But an act I had never touched upon . " She had fallen silent while her orbs closed once more and she felt it , the beat of her heart as it sped up and she felt herself fight against that in which she knew was holding her back … You scared her and not in the monstrous ways like many would take you for . She had seen you had your best and worst , had woken beside you after a rogue killing , had stood beside you through many dangers and fights . Had taken up a cause that was yours that you believed in and never questioned you once , though with this she could never tell you the damage you could cause her and how you could destroy her . You were her Strength and weakness at the same time . The further comments though , about Sam and the others … were a bit too close to the mark , a mark that was freshly made and still smarting , and even the wolf in him reacted to that , seeing eye - to - eye with him - on that at least - as it rankled and stirred to skulk around you . " No , you 're right on point , " his voice darkened . It wasn 't a warning , he was just … It 's complicated , and the spirits whipping around the two of you were not helping the situation any . " but it isn 't Bullshit . It 's shit . I 'll give you that , but then I 've muddied things with Sam , did that the day we crossed between mentor and lover . So you see I had my own cause for concern when you and James did the same . " He wanted to go on , but didn 't know how to explain to you how Sam had always been a part of his life here in Orlando , had been a touchstone . Over the years he could gauge his right decisions and his wrong ones from the way she reacted to him after them . Yes he 'd muddied it … but he didn 't regret the last couple of years . He just … had to hope that losing her as a lover wouldn 't mean losing her from his life . Which is what he was trying to suggest could have happened had he gotten involved with you … . and when he thought it through like that … You know , maybe it was bullshit , but he wasn 't about to share that revelation with you . You turned and for a moment he thought you were pulling away , were leaving , and it fucking lurched at his innards , brought him right back to the now and had his beast circling you , pressing you back to him . Y ' see , unreliable these beasts and their fickle ways . " My reasoning may not be sound , Syd , " he sighed , " but … no - one 's proposing that we go there . At least , I don 't think they are ? " He tried to add a smile to his tone there , and he stepped close - right up so that your back pressed against his chest , and he wrapped his arms slowly around you ( if you 'd let him ) , lay his forehead against the back of yours , the scent of you and your hair filling his nostrils . " You have James . I have … shit to figure out . I don 't see that thinking about other ways this conversation could be going will do either of us any good , so , " His hands took ahold of your upper arms and guided you to turn around , maybe even look at him if you dare . " Run with me . The spirits want some kind of a show . " says to ] . . | Delusions of Grandeu : - she didn 't realize she had truly hit on a few of the valid points until you spoke even your metaphysical beast was pushing her back . With the force the strength your words . She leaned into you and rested her head against your own , even allowed your arms to wrap about her form like that of a protection from her own self in the moment . She listened so carefully and smiled a bit hearing those words that fell from your lips . When you finally stopped for a moment and you lead her to turn around and face you she looked up to you with those soft embers . " Nick I don 't need reasons , or whys to what or how things are . I simply need you . I don 't lie to you ; I don 't expect you to lie to me . I have James at the moment because I never saw a you and I . You are my best friend , my truest and most sacred person in this world and I would follow you to hell if it meant keeping your ass alive . I know you are not one to be tied , to be held , you like your freedom , your chances , your choice to do as you please . James is much the same and believes in the whole open relationship stance . Something he learned from you . So I being with him is just a bonus to getting certain needs I have filled . It does not mean by any means he is filling the void in my life . That will never be filled but by you when it comes to what we share . " She said watching you when you spoke of running she would like that and nodded her head softly . " A run will do some good , perhaps I will even beat you this time " she teased softly . He didn 't know much of your arrangement with James but here you were going from not being 100 % about him , to being in an ' open ' relationship . It begged caution , but then so could you regarding anything to do with him . What was he thinking ? You and he . It 'd been the topic on the cards for the last little while and yet how it had gotten there escaped him for a moment . It seemed to arrive almost as soon as he 'd asked you if you 'd been ignoring him . So no , you hadn 't . But you didn 't know how to broach the topic of you and James even though you knew ( I mean , you had to know ) that he would find out about it ? His head buzzed with thoughts and with those pesky spirits swirling and mocking them both , and your wolf and his had gotten tangled up in proximity and it was a fucking good feeling . So let 's just leave it at that . Don 't pick . Don 't stir , don 't look too close . Just smile and enjoy the pretty lady and her mouth . I mean , her eyes . I mean , company . Yes , company , and her scent . He withdrew hands from your cheek , earlier words of yours coming back to him ( ' … we simply never gave into what our natural instinct is to do ' ) . Hm . Suddenly the thought of you and he getting undressed in such close proximity didn 't seem like the safest or wisest of options . He bit down on the corner of his bottom lip and let a broad , arrogant smile slowly spread over his features , and he reached to the hem of his shirt , and tugged upwards , pulling it up over his head . " Yeah , " he mused , tossing it to one side and reaching for his belt . " Good luck with that . "
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I hope all your holidays have been filled with momentary - - and lasting - - joys . As I mentioned a while back , I tend to procrastinate . So it came to pass that on Christmas Eve , as the sun sank and darkness crept in , I was on our front porch stringing Christmas lights . To my credit , I had hung the greens and bows many days earlier , so the house looked decked , but only in the daytime . I kept waiting for a semi - balmy day to finish the job , but this December proved a bit stingy with balmy days . Thanks to detailed instructions my husband engineered a few years ago , stringing the Christmas lights is a pretty straightforward job : Plug in two extensions cords on the left , one on the right . Connect three sets of lights , flip the switch and you 're done . In theory . This time around I followed the instructions , plugged everything in and saw … darkness , no rainbow of lights . I tromped over to the outdoor outlet and checked those button things ( known to enlightened others as a ground fault circuit interruptor ) . I pushed the buttons . Several times . No lights . I went back into the house and checked that the outdoor switch was on . It was . Sigh . I stood perplexed in the dark , and tried to think what the problem could be . Unfortunately there were just too many possibilities : the lights themselves , a plug , an outlet , an extension cord , the switch ? My meager electrical knowledge database was … overloaded . I almost called my husband out to help , but a bit of pride stopped me , along with a little voice that said , " Come on , Cathy . You can do this . " I tromped down the steps once more and tried a last , voodoo - esque move : I unplugged both extension cords and replugged them - - but in the opposite outlet . Bink ! We had Christmas lights ! I felt downright merry . The final days of autumn have a tough act to follow . After the fireworks of summer and fall foliage , these days leading up to winter are far more subdued . Even among the browns and grays of early December , flashes of color can still be found . The flash that stops me every time is a purple one : the tiny magenta berries growing in a nearby front yard . ( The bush is appropriately named Beautyberry . ) The orange of pumpkins past still survives , perched on doorsteps , or lolling in the ( not so green ) grass . Wild grasses bring out their beige at fall 's end . Those soft tufts are so beautiful , especially backlit by the sun . Green , thankfully , is willing to stick around , and I 'm not just talking about pine trees . The other day I was surprised by moss , growing at the bottom of a telephone pole . Winter is almost upon us , and the colors are fading , but the good news is that they never leave us completely . In the gray times , you just have to work a little harder to see them . Ah , the universe does love her metaphors . Seen in passing : a small host of sparrows , gathering beneath the bumper of a car parked at a nearby Wawa . They seemed so tiny , with the tail end of the car looming over their feathered heads . Seemingly oblivious , they hopped and pecked , discovering crumbs left behind by a human . I hoped the driver wouldn 't come back before they finished their feast . Winter 's coming , the ground is freezing and worms are hard to come by . I guess a convenience store isn 't just for people . It 's back . I 'm talking about snow season , which apparently doesn 't need to wait for winter . For those of us who live near Philadelphia , our first flakes arrived on Thanksgiving morning . I was out in the yard with our dog when I heard the slight hiss and crackle of frozen rain . I saw a dot of snow in mid - air , but thought , no , that can 't be . It 's too soon . I was wrong there . The view from our kitchen window not long after confirmed it : ' Twas snowing - - and hard . As my husband and I looked out into the snow globe , the phone rang . It was my mom , calling from the other side of town , making sure I didn 't miss it . ( Thanks , Mom . ) We sat at the table and watched the flutters and swirls . My husband especially liked the big , fat flakes , which he said looked like feathers . ( I have to give him credit for good imagery . ) Perhaps it 's genetic , but I felt compelled to make sure both of our own kids didn 't miss it . In 21st century style , I texted them , and , like good college students everywhere , they were both still asleep . Hey , I tried . I still remember listening for the school closings on the radio . Years ago they used to read all the names on KYW , though at some point they switched to the number system . ( Come on 301 , come on 301 ! ) My mom once put a note on the bathroom door that read something like : Snow day : Go back to bed , you lucky ducks . Maybe that 's why the sight of snow still fills me with happiness . It reminds me of childhood : sledding , making snow angels , climbing mountains left by the plows in the park around the corner , skating on the frozen creek - - and sleeping in on those unexpected days off from school . Snow can also be a pain : seemingly endless shoveling and scraping ; dicey driving ; cold , wet mittens and boots ; almost frost - bitten fingers . I don 't think about those things when I see those first flakes . I see only pure , clear beauty , and marvel at the wonder of the world . ' Tis the season . The small , blazing orange hat hugged the head of the little boy walking just ahead of me . He was about half the height of the man beside him - - not yet a yardstick tall . The boy held to his chest a large rectangle of construction paper . I saw a flash of colorful handprints and thought : nursery school project . As we all turned the corner and headed toward the grocery store , I said to the boy , " Did you make that ? " He looked up and showed me his creation : a happy - looking turkey with handprint tail feathers and long legs dangling off the page . " He 's taking his turkey for a walk , " the dad said with a smile . Happy Thanksgiving ! One recent , rather full , day , I squeezed in a trip to the gym . The parking lot was crammed with cars , but I found a spot at the far edge … the better to squeeze in a few extra steps . As I started to speed toward the door , my list of later to - dos in my head , I caught sight of two Canada geese , who were in absolutely no hurry at all . Their slow , leisurely waddle through the lot literally brought me to a halt . I stood and watched - - and listened . To my left , cars and trucks whooshed through the adjacent industrial park ; to my right , turnpike traffic droned and rumbled just beyond the gym . In between this pair of geese meandered down the drive , making their way to the grass beyond the curb with a slow - motion grace . Their feathers ? Quite unruffled . Honk if you love serendipity . Don 't let the name fool you . Forbidden Drive * is a most welcoming place . My husband and I joined two friends for a bike trip down the drive on Saturday morning , ending at the Manayunk Diner . ( Banana walnut pancakes : the perfect fuel for the return trip . ) I didn 't bring my camera , but my memory holds the images that will stay : * Reaching the top of a ridge , and looking way down at the Wissahickon Creek . Morning mist snaked above the surface , airy white against deep green . * Passing the Valley Green Inn , seeing small , round , ghostly tables cloaked in white . ( I must still have Halloween on the brain . ) On our way back , we passed a wedding party there , which made those ghosts more formal than haunting . * Watching a runner approach in the distance . Back - lit by the sun , her ponytail swished and flashed with each stride . Forbidden Drive was full of people : walking , running , walking dogs , riding bikes ( and one horse ) . As with my visit to Pennypack Park , I was struck by how easy it was to forget we were still in the city . Penn 's Woods are alive and well in Philadelphia . - - - - - - - - * Factoid : Forbidden Drive used to be known as Upper Wissahickon Drive . The name change came in the 1920s , when wise powers - that - be banned cars from the road . Posted by It 's a wonderful tradition we 've shared with a bunch of old friends - and some relatives . Our kids grew up looking forward to this " pre - Halloween weekend , " which includes a costume contest , trick - or - treating through the campsites , and a haunted hayride . This year about 30 of us converged on our usual spot atop the hill at Warwick Woods , not too far from French Creek . Rain or shine , we camp on . ( And thanks to my husband 's seam sealing , we 've always stayed dry in our tents . ) This year we got to experience the joy of camping without any of the rainy , dreary parts . It was glorious . There is nothing quite like sitting around a campfire , drink of choice in hand , watching the flames and glowing coals , talking and laughing with people you 've known for years . I was so aware of the sun , the breeze , the light through the trees , the rise of the full moon - the complete lack of rain and mud . It was heavenly , in the truest sense of that word . * We go camping with a bunch of families every October . One friend used to offer the kids $ 5 if they could catch a falling leaf with their mouth . Easier said than done . The Shetland sheepdog who lives there - let 's call her Lassie in miniature - came tearing down the steps . She fairly flew toward us , her gorgeously groomed coat flowing back in the breeze . On her face : a doggish smile . She bounds down to the fence . Tail wagging commences . They touch noses excitedly for a moment or two . She prances back and forth , waiting to see which way we 're headed . Then Louie , like any good gentleman caller , pees on her fence . My husband , a bicycling explorer , had been wanting to show me Pennypack Park , an amazing stretch of woods in Northeast Philadelphia . We rode for about an hour , following the meandering trail of the creek , surrounded by greenery . Occasionally we pedaled under a lofty concrete overpass , a reminder of the city beyond . Ken and one of his bicycling buddies had been on the same trail earlier in the morning , and they had spotted an egret along the way . Seems the egret liked the territory . As we cruised along the creek , we saw a flash of white : A tall bird waded slowly by the far bank , then froze . I thought perhaps the bird knew we were watching , but the real reason for its stillness became plain . In a splash , the egret darted its bill into the water , and shook a meal down its throat . In the song that is a summer night , the varied singers make their entrances and exits . One August evening I paid attention . As dusk descended , around 8 : 15 , the cicadas were in full voice . Here and there I could hear a cricket chirp , as if warming up . * Fun facts to know and tell : Only male crickets chirp , and his chirping speed drops along with the temperature . There 's even a formula that lets you calculate temperature based on that speed . It 's called Dolbear 's Law , and if you 're curious , you can click here . P . S . Last Sunday I noticed the same white flower rambling beautifully through the front garden at my church . Thanks to two veteran gardeners who happened to be chatting nearby , I learned the flower 's name : clematis . I am not a morning person . My mom tells me that even as a baby , I slept through the dawn and blissfully beyond . It 's something I 've never outgrown . Just ask my snooze alarm . I think it 's genetic , though I do come from a family of mostly morning people . The only other night owl perched in our family tree is my oldest brother ( also a writer ) . I 'm sure one of our Ukrainian ancestors also dreaded the dawn . Considering we come from peasant farmer stock , I feel for him - or her . I know the morning has its beauties . Sunrise , for one . I almost never see one of those . ( I did set my alarm for sunrise during our shore vacation . Our bedroom had a beautiful beach view . I woke up , watched the sunrise , and immediately went back to sleep . ) Another , more accessible beauty ? Morning glories . Years ago my neighbor planted seeds by the telephone pole that stands between their driveway and our curb . Every year the flowers return : gorgeous purple blossoms twining their way up the pole . In recent years , they 've spread , reaching out to and up the Watch Children sign . We hitched our kids ' baby seat to that table , its surface bearing countless little nicks made by little hands wielding little spoons and forks . There 's a rough patch where someone peeled away a long - stuck sticker , taking with it slivers of wood veneer . If you look even closer , you can see indentations of handwriting from homework papers past . That table holds history . We sat at a different small , round table , right next to the wide open windows overlooking the sidewalk . The breeze was nice . The food and service were great . The company ? Truly treasured . We headed out on a hot , muggy Sunday , and I discovered that riding a bicycle is like , well , riding a bicycle - once you start pedaling , it all comes back to you . One of my mantras is " I have no need for speed . " ( I 've been lapped by my kids on those mini go - kart tracks . ) So when we reached the top of a long hill a few blocks from home , I anticipated braking all the way down . Pulling up behind an SUV today , I see a flash of yellow outside the right - rear passenger window . The yellow waves up and down , and I can 't make out what it is . As we stop at the light , I see that whatever - it - is is attached to a white stick . Whack , whack whack : The stick smacks against the window frame ; the flash of yellow jerks up and down . The SUV heads left , the yellow flash turns - and then spins in the wind . The visit to the coffee shop was more than a momentary joy . For years , a group of moms has been meeting at Keswick Coffee on the first and last days of school . The last - day - of - school gathering didn 't quite come together this year , and one friend decided she didn 't want to wait until September , suggesting a Bastille Day celebration instead . Bonne idee ! ( Thank you , web translator . ) We commandeered two tables and five chairs on the sidewalk outside the shop . The circle shifted through the morning : As one left for work , another came to take her place . Coffee , tea and conversation flowed . If you live on the East Coast , you may have noticed the temperature climbing of late . Indeed , when I got in my car after work on Tuesday , the thermometer on the dash read 109 degrees . Toasty . So often when we get caught in the rain , we hurry for shelter or quickly open the umbrella . Not today . I consciously slowed my pace , and savored each cooling drop . After a couple weeks in the sauna that is summer in Philadelphia , I walked out this morning to bliss : blue skies , 70 degrees and no humidity to speak of ( and believe me , around here we speak of the humidity often … in not the most pleasant of terms ) . I tend not to read or watch the weather forecast , so I had no idea this beautiful day was on its way , and I have no idea how long this gift will be with us . I 'm heading out . Today , at long last , I stowed the snow shovels in the garage , where they will hibernate until the next time they 're needed . Those shovels got quite a workout last winter . I let them rest on the front porch for most of the spring , but recently moved them to the front of our barn of a garage . There they stood , catching rays , until today . I must admit it was high time to finish the job : At 7 : 28 a . m . today , summer officially arrived . Stay cool . Posted by Driving along on Father 's Day , I caught the credits for " Weekend Edition Sunday " on 91 - FM , my local public radio station . ( Give today ! ) Instead of the usual rundown of producers , editors , etc . , I heard this , with the voice changing at each new name : " This is NPR 's Weekend Edition . . . directed by Robert Wharton 's son Ned , and produced by . . . Jim Kenin 's daughter Justine , . . . Dave Breslow 's son Peter . . . Kimberly Adams , daughter of Albert Adams Jr . . . . " On the list went , 19 names in all , ending with the host saying , " And I 'm Edwin S . Hansen 's daughter , Liane . " I teared up , listening ; in those various voices you could hear affection , pride , humor , love . Later that day I got to be with my dad at a wonderful dinner , cooked by my mom in the house where I grew up . I know how lucky that makes me . Today , I 'll sign off as Joe Slobodzian 's fourth ( and final ) kid , Cathy . It 's a wonderful thing , the more you look for joy , the more you find it … sometimes literally . A dear friend , artist and inspiration was one of the first people I told about this blog project . A couple of days later , during one of our regular walks through the neighborhood , she showed me a piece of paper that had fluttered to the floor in her home . It read simply : " pure joy . " She had no idea where it came from , but she thought I should have it . I keep it by my computer as a reminder . Thank you . Then tonight , my 97 - year - old dance teacher ( yes , you read that right ) , used joy as the theme for our improvisation . After we stretched out on the floor , she told us to think of something that had troubled us during the week , and then to let it go . Next , she said , think of something good that had happened , and hold onto that . Now move , she said , with joy - and gratitude . She turned up the music and let us loose . Is there anything more heavenly than the smell of chocolate chip banana bread baking in the oven ? ( If there is , please send me the recipe . ) Thank you to the late , great James Beard , who wrote " Beard on Bread , " a cookbook my husband brought into our marriage 25 years ago , and one that contains two wonderful banana bread recipes . Mow - mentary joy : Awhile back we switched to an electric lawn mower . Tired of the noise and pollution of a gas mower , we tried a year or so with a push - mower . While I appreciated the upper - body workout , mowing manually took a bit too much time . We opted for electric as a compromise . I was tackling the back yard the other day , and on one turnaround I gave the cord a toss . Whoa . The orange line flowed away from my hand in this beautiful , slow - motion wave , ending with a quiet plop near the maple tree . Around 7 , I walked up to my church for the monthly Taize Prayer . Inspired by the monastic community in Taize , France , the service combines silence , chants and prayers , with an emphasis on silence . As sunlight faded , the sanctuary glowed , with dozens of candles cascading down the steps of the altar . It 's a sight to behold - and an hour of light and peace . Afterward , heading back down the hill , I saw the moon high overhead . The sky still held onto light from the day , but trees stood in inky black silhouette . The dark waited in the wings . On the boardwalk in Ocean City , sitting behind a family of four . Mom , Dad , two little girls . . . uh , make that three . A baby 's head has popped up on her mother 's shoulder , smiling away . Her biggest sister eagerly introduces the whole clan . I watch and remember as they deftly juggle children and ice cream cones , never a simple maneuver . My husband joins me on the bench , and we reminisce about boardwalk visits ( long ) past : our daughter , maybe 4 years old , her little face and long brown hair spattered with soft - serve chocolate , a casualty of strong winds . Years earlier , our son , maybe 3 , heading down the ramp to the beach , ice cream in hand … and then , in a blink , ice cream on the wooden planks , melting away . No such tragedy befell the girls in front of us . We talk with the young family for a bit , mentioning our children , now both in college , how we 're down the shore for our 25th anniversary , just the two of us for the weekend . The dad of three smiled and said , " That 's why you look so relaxed . " Yes , there are perks to getting older . A girl , maybe 14 , walking slowly toward school . She is tall , oh so obviously taller than most of the girls in her class , possibly most of the boys as well . She moves in a slow - motion lope , shoulders slightly slumped , head slightly dipped down . Those sneakers are a beacon , a contradiction , a counterpoint to any effort to diminish herself . Her beaming pink shoes fairly shouted : " Look at me ! I 'm here . " One of my favorite things to watch is invisible . I 'm talking about the wind , that magical force that moves , swirls and hurls things according to its breezy will . After work yesterday , I took a hike with a friend through the Pennypack Preserve . While we were winding through a mass of wildflowers , the wind picked up , and I looked up . The treetops were dancing , thrashing , bending , leaves upturned and shimmering in the sun . All accompanied by a windy voice that lies somewhere between a whoosh and a hiss ( a sister of the sound waves make when they crash and fade at the shore ) . A bit farther down the trail , a small but startling maple branch plopped down right in front of us . Don 't turn your back on Nature … she 's full of surprises . What was lost has been found . Hallelujah ! I just found my reading glasses , which have been among the missing for about three weeks . ( They 're prescription , so I couldn 't just pop into CVS and get a new pair . ) I spend much of my life with a short list running in my head of things that are missing . Perennial favorites : keys , cell phone , glasses ( driving ) , glasses ( sun ) , glasses ( reading ) . I recently hung a basket that I use as a " control center " of sorts , a central location for all things easily losable . It works … sometimes . My eyes have been missing those reading glasses , so I started the hunt anew when I got home from work today . Something told me I would find them ( though that something didn 't specify where ) . I headed to the laundry room and decided to re - rifle the pile of stuff that has been sitting on the dryer . ( Yes , I had rifled through it already , but you never know . ) Lo and behold , eureka and all that . I picked up an old tiger beach towel and the glasses appeared , in all their cool blue glory . My eyes are happy .
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When you have a leisurely day close to the end of the year , thoughts can turn to other Christmases , other years , uplifting things and touch on the realities , too . December has always been a month of reflection for me . Quiet moments here and there to reassess , remember and regroup . It is unlike any other month of the year . I woke up early this morning , my eyes open in the predawn darkness . I lay there listening to my husband 's smooth breathing , relishing the sound as it washed over me in harmony with the dog 's dreamy sighs . The past few weeks have been filled with anxiety and concern . While he is now doing fine , I am well aware that anything can happen in any of our lives at any time . I am thankful that now wasn 't his time . I finally wiggled my feet into my slippers and quietly stole downstairs , turning up the heat and flipping on the Christmas tree lights . Deep into a good book , I made a cup of tea and read until it became light outside . There is fog on the lake - warmer out than is customary for the last day of the year . Kids are usually ice - skating by Christmas . Not this year . The skim coat of ice thickens and dissolves with the unseasonably fluctuating temperatures . I toasted the last of the panettone , liberally spreading butter on its fragrant surface . Taking it and another cup of hot tea , I tucked my book under my arm and headed down to the family room to lay a fire and light some candles . I planned to enjoy a day of decadence , stirring only to load the washer and dryer and run a dustcloth on a few surfaces if the mood struck . It did , but didn 't ruin the ambiance the slightest bit . When Bob woke up and came down with his coffee later , the fire was crackling and blues was softly playing in the background . We reminisced about holidays past , family and friends and how much our connection to them means to us . We have talked with many of them over the past week , catching up on lives which are traveling in all different directions . I have plans for next year . I plan to be gentler on myself , going with the flow and approaching new challenges with gusto . The challenges I speak of have wings . I want to paint en plein air , soaking in the smells and sounds of the scenery that will be sketched on my canvases . I will enjoy the company of family and friends regularly , if not in person then by phone . I will continue to simplify as it has brought me great pleasure this year and I certainly have a considerable ways to go with it . I will keep my sketchbook by my side and strive to draw every day , experimenting with color when the mood strikes . I will dig in the dirt , spread mulch and plant flowers to my heart 's content . I will continue to write as it is my compulsion and pleasure . I will savor life and all it brings to my table . It is the same with driving on the highway and seeing another driver veering into your lane out of the corner of your eye . Depending on how close he gets is the difference between whoa and oh , my God . The residual reaction pounding through your brain may dissolve in minutes or strengthen your resolve to take mass transit . Sometimes , the near misses are second - hand or after the fact . It happens in someone else 's life and the shock is quick . Nerves are calmer when disaster is already averted . Only my husband 's feistiness kept him from succumbing to a diabetic coma early Wednesday morning . Fear and apprehension stayed with me for several days so I was open to the whopper of a cold that hit me Friday night which , at least , took my mind off its infernal worrying . We had never gone through anything like this before . The EMT said his blood sugar was 15 . He should not have been conscious . It was awful . But he is okay now . I am thankful . If I ever think again that he is driving me crazy ( which he will ) , I will remember this morning when I woke up to yelling and thrashing and nonsense words and the day I could have lost the great love in my life . I am thankful he is okay . I am thankful he is part of my life . I thank God for allowing me to love someone so deeply that I feel blessed . This is a great video which reminds me of all the ways I can keep creativity in my daily life . It is by To - Fu Design , a Japanese graphics company and is just the motivation I need on those days which are filled with the world 's longest to - do list ! Posted by Louie Schwartzberg is an amazing artist . Patience plays a critical part of his art , something I can appreciate and embrace ( at times , thank goodness ) . Since this is the season for thankfulness , sharing his work with you is my gift of gratitude for all you mean to me and all I love about the world . Posted by In the early stages of adult life we eagerly strive to create our reality . We educate ourselves in our chosen profession - to - be , shrug off the clothing styles of school acquaintances and slip into well - worn jeans and warm sweaters and play dress up with delight when the occasion calls for it . Forays into multi - floored stores for ' grown - up ' furniture to blend with what we have scavanged from family starts to define our home . We try on different hats , explore new interests which capture our attention , travel . Our thirst knows no bounds . We are the inventors of the landscape of our lives . Then we are hired for a job that isn 't exactly what we went to college for and we shift focus . A cozy apartment becomes a bigger one . Padded shoulders go out of favor ( thank goodness ) and we morf toward new styles . We read the book a friend lent us and see a world deeper than portrayed in romance novels . We haunt the library for more . Life expands and grows around us like a cocoon . People enter our lives and some leave , moving on to follow their own path . Loving expands us . It is a slowly revolving door and each relationship grows us from the inside out . We learn from example the type of person we want to be . One job leads to another . Relationships evolve . Family . Friends . We weather crises and find strengths we didn 't know we possessed . Looking back we see a series of reinventions - one sliding into another . Close - up , they are more abrupt . Change is scary and challenging and , at the same time , exhilirating . Fate gives us options but we make the choices . We move forward because the clock ticks and time 's - a - wasting - this is not a dress rehearsal . We try to pull back the reins and slow the process , but it travels on hooves hell - bent to get to the goal . We raise a family , work to make our lives an easier journey , start saving for the ' future ' . We shift and change over and over . We are still pulling on those reins , though . Reinvention - it is not a goal but a stage in our continuing life . Slip on that new jacket and take up the reins . Hope you have an interesting ride ! It has been an interesting week . A massive nor ' easter wiped out power in a great part of New England and days passed before we got ours back . The generator failed the first day which made for pretty chilly nights . It was devastating to wake up on Sunday morning and see all the broken trees . One huge branch hit the roof of the studio but slid off without doing damage , thank goodness . Others are total losses and a huge rhododendron out front is uprooted . Fourteen inches of wet , heavy snow dragged the branches down to the ground and held them captive . I pulled on boots and dug out my winter coat and gloves and set about releasing the branches from the snow . With the sun 's help , perhaps they would lift back up again . All over town ( and the state ) downed trees blocked roads and balanced on houses . Just like the ice storm a few years back , the horrendous crack of branches had filled the night . I hadn 't thought I would hear that sound again . Once again we drew chairs close to the fireplace and lit candles . Other than the inconveniences , it was cozy and we talked and read by booklight , cooking pizza on the grill outside . On Tuesday , when friends got their power back , they brought over their generator and hooked us up so we could have a few lights and keep the refrigerator going . Wednesday , when the power came back on , we cleaned up the house and things started getting back to normal . Not as long as our 12 days off the grid that icy cold and stormy December in 2008 but long enough . My mother is still without power in Connecticut and it is not expected until late Sunday . That is way too long . Getting back to normal is nice but doing without shows us that we can cope , we can be innovative and nothing is insurmountable . For awhile now , I have been noticing the routine of my actions . Getting up , getting ready for work - the patterns of my routines are mostly an unconscious ballet of concise motion . On weekends , the pattern is more fractured . Not burdened by the need to get out the door at a specific time , a certain relaxation of habitual motion is nice . I have a desire to change all that . I don 't know why I am chomping at the bit to stir things up . Perhaps it is all part and parcel to my edit and purge sweep to narrow the burden of stuff ' to a pleasurable level . ' Simplify , simplify , simplify ' - Thoreau . I was going through several of my craft drawers and rather than editing , I found myself reminiscing ( must be that autumn thing ) . Running my hand over needlepoint stitched many moons ago , discovering cards of antique buttons collected in a former life and treasures wrought with sweet memories I am loathe to discard tugged at my melancholy heart . It seems that I want freshness in my life without letting go of the comforts which include some of the usual habits . Like a vase of fresh flowers from the garden 's late season offerings , I crave a blend of old and new , comfort and adventure . enjoy on the hillsides will glide onto the ground in gentle waves and the scenery will change to something more austere . The coming cold is not to my liking but I adapt . I mean , frankly , in today 's world , going from house to warm car to work and back again on the weekdays is not a hardship . When the snow drifts down and builds on the tree branches in a fresh fluffy coat , I am mesmerized and love the journey . Still , I have a few more dreams up my sleeve and , particularly at this time of year , they rise again just as summer wanes and winter 's solitude is on the horizon . Time for reflection in front of a roaring fire instead of on a beach . Time for brushing the sand off my path and seeing where it has meandered to get me where I am today . So far , so good . A few bumps and bruises when I lost my footing but , overall , not a very rocky path . I hope the road in front of me is rather smooth because I 'd like that for awhile . It will be what it will be , though , and I will adapt . I always do . Now , that zippered black book is filled with years of notes . I like it that way . What is wearing on me is transporting it back and forth to work because I need said notes and the calendar and the address book in both places . I do not want to duplicate it - God forbid ! What I have done , though , is get a trim little red binder which holds just my calendar , address book and two tabbed sections of plain notepaper for personal and work notes . Personal is in the # 1 tab , naturally . I love it - it even slips in my purse . It is a fraction of a pound . I can swing said purse onto my shoulder without pulling it out of the socket . I have duplicated nothing . I love downsizing . October is the perfect time to head up into New Hampshire and wander the backroads from studio to studio . There is a leafy smell in the air that enchants and breathtaking color to amaze us . Chris and I made our annual trek to the Dublin / Peterborough area to tour what we could of the 50 art studios tucked into the foothills of Mt . Monadnock . We packed a lunch of Tuscan pasta , sandwiches and fruit so we could make the most of our day and explore as much as we wanted to . A quick trip to the Price 's for fresh cider and we were on our way . We started at Jane Howard 's studio , eager to see how she had grown in the past year and what new things she was trying . She was working on a self - portrait and had completed a wonderful woman knitting ( you can see it next to the window in this photo ) . Her architectural beach scenes have a unique quality which I love . My favorites , though , are the painted collage still lifes like one above the window . They tell a detailed story of varied interests which draw you in to speculate about the person who collected these items and why they are of importance . The nice thing is that you can vary the story in your mind each time you look at the painting . I love that about them . We visited quite a few studios some of which were in old homes built in the late 1700s and mid - 1800s . Low beamed ceilings and wide planked floors complemented the timeless art on view . Others had bright , light - filled studios with cans and cans of brushes and paint stained easels . Having just bought a wide , flat blending brush , I know the obsession for good working tools . It seems that everywhere I turn , pumpkins are lined up on lintels and gracing the stone walls as I pass through Groton on my way home at night . Mums are tucked into old iron pedestal planters and the leaves are gently turning from green to golden yellow and red . Makes me thankful to live in close proximity to so many sugar maple trees ! I have my own cheery pumpkin which sits on my desk at work . It is stitched in silks , perle cottons , metallic fibers and ribbon thread and is embellished with beads and memory thread with a cute little crow in the corner . The black lacquer Betsy Box from Sudberry House is a perfect mount for it since I can hide my stash of Halloween candies inside with no one the wiser ! There is a saying about not seeing the forest for the trees . Most often , we do see the forest . It is the individual trees which become lumped together to form the whole . If asked to draw the forest , the trees are reduced to a random uniformity of what we perceive trees look like . Stick - like trunks rise from the surface of the ground and leaves form a canopy on top . They blend together to form the ' forest ' . Their depth and breadth can become lost in the interpretation . While skimming across the harbor on the schooner on Saturday , we expected to see unrelieved clouds . After all , it was a gray , rainy day . By accepting this , we formed certain expectations of how the sail would go and that we would have to forgo sparkling waters and deep shadows . On this day , the edges of buildings onshore were blurred . The gray sky rendered the water in a charcoal blackness . The only lightness came from the turn of the waves in our wake . We expected it to look this way but nature has its own mind about things and creates drama where there is none - if our minds are open to the possibilities around us . Tumbling fog softened the shoreline and obscured the details of homes and inlets . Suddenly , we were aware of warmth on our backs and a sparkling motion in the water close to shore . Just overhead , a hole of blue spread open the clouds changing everything . The opening was brief but lasted long enough for everything to shift . At one point , when we sailed under the edge of the grayness above , the sea was split in two with murky grayness to port and sparkling blue waters to starboard . A distinct line formed in the water separating the colors . Just like that , my perception of the sky and sea changed forever . The sail culminated with a memorial for Joe Garland who passed away just shy of his 89th birthday last week . He was a beloved Gloucester persona , a timeless friend and historian of all things fishing and all things Gloucester . We sailed into the harbor to gather with other fishing boats and schooners waiting to pay their respects . When Zack lit the cannon , a cacophony of booms , horns , whistles and shouts filled the air sending hundreds of seagulls up into the skies in spiralling tornadoes of motion . A proper send off and a memorable sail once again on the Thomas E . Lannon . It was raining when we woke up and so cloudy that we feared the schooner would not sail . Knowing New England , though , it could be a deluge of rain here and clear as a bell on the seashore so off we went . As predicted , the roads became drier the closer we got to Gloucester . The cloudiness didn 't bother us - there wasn 't a chill to the air and I knew the sea would look special in the gloom just as it could when it was bright and clear . What we didn 't expect was to see the fog rolling in along the horizon and then along the southern shore of the harbor . It swirled between the trees and the water close to shore glistened . Glistened ? Couldn 't be , but as I turned to look north , there was sunshine hitting the bow and casting shadows through the rigging . It was fascinating . I have never experienced anything like it and I marveled at the phenomenon . What started out as a sail without enough wind to fill the sails turned into an amazing experience . A pocket of blue sky opened up as we turned back towards the harbor after we passed the Eastern Point Lighthouse . Rays of sunshine lit the fog so that the layers slithered along the coast . The sky had darkened over the town but stayed away from us . It is so hard to describe nature 's movements sometimes . I am just thankful we could soak in its unique persona in such a wonderful way . Chris and I went into Boston for the weekend to walk the South End to see the art on display in the studios there . After miles of walking and stimuli that filled our brains with color and images , we left sated and totally pooped . Some would have to wait until next year to be discovered by the two of us . It is so interesting to see what other artists create . The buildings were filled with studios , sometimes 20 or more on each floor . Having never painted in such an environment , I don 't know if it would be stimulating or intimidating . While some artists were at the beginning of their learning curve , others were masters . All seemed highly involved with their craft . Their studios were more than work areas for them . They were places to gather and talk as well as create . With some , you could see the influences of great artists almost as if they were trying on another person 's coat to check the fit . Several were disturbing , having delved , perhaps , into realms of their minds where issues refused to be worked out . While I can appreciate and understand the depths of their art , I prefer to skirt the pathos in favor of lightness . Now that the cool days are rushing in , the city has a new lift to its spirits . Color enters the stage at every turn . Bittersweet wreaths and pots of garden mums grace doorways . Festivals fill the streets as we all clamor for one more celebration . As the leaves rustle along the cobblestones before landing in a huddle in a corner , we marvel at the pleasures of a city stroll . That 's me . I have one in hand to read at home and one on pause in the car for the drive to work . Heaven forbid they are similar . Then I am mightily confused for a few minutes until the plot moves to the surface of my brain and I am fully engaged . While I prefer reading words on paper , shifting the book slightly as I turn to the next page , there are times when a really good narrator can leave me breathless with suspense . I am not sure how I feel about technology offering a different , less tactile way to peruse words . I can see the benefits of eReaders on a long plane trip . It is compact and can hold a plethora of books . I assess my stash when I travel , shelving heavy tomes in favor of several thinner ones which can slip in my bag . As one is finished , it is left at the airport or on a train for another person to pick up . That is part of the pleasure of books . Just as I prefer not to ' smarten up ' my phone , I am resistant to embrace yet another generation of computer - driven machines which move me away from my page turners and have me staring at an impersonal screen . Sitting at a computer most of the workday , exploring the web occasionally at night is enough for me . Not saying I might not give it a whirl someday when faced with an eight hour flight - I am just saying . . . I just finished The Help by Kathryn Stockett . It was riveting . I took Friday off to work in the garden - such clear blue , fantastically bright summer days are a treasure and I don 't waste one of them . In between battles with tenacious weeds , I sat in the shade with a glass of Lady Gray iced tea and read . I started it on Friday and finished it Sunday afternoon . It was hard to put down . You must give it a read . It has made me more than ever aware of my blinders . Sometimes I can be so unaware . I want to know more - I want to learn about other cultures , other lives . I applaud friendships which develop between unlikely partners . I am saddened by the reserve I observe in those who prefer to limit their involvement - sometimes for the whole of their lives . I abhor the injustice that man heaps upon man in the name of righteousness ( and I don 't mean the religious kind ) . Our relationships are complex and are the result of the effort we put into them . The last few strokes of paint feel like a symphony 's final notes . Cymbals crash and the notes rise to a crescendo until they fade away and you are left with their sweet tone vibrating in your mind 's deepest recesses . This painting started out very differently . Aiming for a spare and serene vista , it evolved over time into a remembered pond from my childhood - at least a fictionalized version of it since it is no longer there except in my mind 's eye . I spend summer hours floating on a makeshift raft someone had made and tied to a branch pounded into the soft earth on the edge of a nearby pond . This usually involved getting my toes squishy with mud and pulling off the occasional leach , but I was young and I really wanted to float on that raft . It was in a field not far from our house . Not big but ample in size for a short float with a good book . In this version , I can hear the laughter of children splashing and frogs heading for cover in the reeds to observe the activity from a distance . A path worn by animals or humans - perhaps both - winds its way along the shore , grass closely cropped by the many footfalls . The clear vibrant day , like so many I have known , welcomes all comers to linger at its shores . Finally , a birthday present ( offered in April , mind you ) is reality . I must give all the credit to my procrastination but I am happy to have a wonderful new easel for the studio . It is massive but just right for my needs . I love doing large paintings and this one will support them perfectly . With two masts , I can even paint two canvases at once . I saw tall , narrow canvases in the art store and side by side , they would create a interesting piece of art . I read all the reviews before deciding on this one and the only fault anyone could cite were the assembly directions but they said the same thing about other easels . Armed with that knowledge , I went slow and managed to get it together - all 66 pounds of luscious wood . They were right , though , the directions were the pits . Thank goodness for online photos ! I have used the same easel for most of my life . It only presented a problem when I wanted to do a large painting . I 'd have to hold it steady with one hand , wield the brush with the other and play a demented game of Twister to load the brush with paint . Since Chris works with a smaller format , I have now passed it along to her . The one my parents bought me when I was in my teens is now my daughter 's . It is nice to know that it will witness her artistic growth as it did mine . It is wild to see a car on the lake . They took out all the heavy parts - engine , axles , whatever - and mounted the body on pontoons . Motoring around the lake , it is disconcerting to spy it coming towards you . It is nice of him to use his turn signals , though , when he changes course . We partied at Oram 's , walking over to Paul and De 's to hear the band . Dave made masses of chicken and the tropical shrimp I brought was devoured in minutes . Will have to make that one again . Some offices I enter sport childish colorings pinned in prominent places . They make me smile and I know this represents an important part of this person 's life . Occasionally , an office will be more sterile with reports pinned at eye level and schedules neatly penned on wall calendars . Even after years in the same space , there is nothing there which gives you insight into the person who occupies that room . Why is that ? Are they unhappy here ? Perhaps they don 't feel comfortable . Perhaps they are just private people . I spend eight hours a day in my office and almost two getting to and from it . While it is separate from my personal life , I love what I do there and I couldn 't imagine not making myself at home in the space . I love cozy . I love welcoming rooms . I want my home away from home to reflect my interests so I am reminded of why I work . My job is creative and my walls inspire me . They form the threads of my interests , the basis for my existence . Each day can be an adventure but sometimes , doing nothing is very satisfying . Relaxing with good friends is a good example . Afternoons when nothing is discussed more serious than who is going to lean over to grasp the wine bottle for refills . Pockets of time absent from tasks and activity are sometimes more rare than we would like . When you live with someone else , that time seems cut in half . Moments of solitude are stolen from the busyness - a few here , a few there , a blessed hour to flip through a magazine or finish a book . An afternoon with girlfriends in a fit of giggles over something inane someone said . These hours become more precious for their brevity . Fran 's painting always reminds me of those pleasures . I met Fran Mangino many years ago at an art show when I lived in Ohio . She was just starting to paint at the time . Each year showed more progress and her watercolors blossomed not only with flowers but depth as well . This is one of a series she did which celebrates the truisms of midlife and I have it in my office to remind me to relax and play whenever I can ( that is her on the right ) . My nothing moments are like strands of pearls - long , sinuous and appreciated for the beauty of their being . That was okay with me - just because I found them endlessly fulfilling did not mean my children had to . I knew they would find their own pursuits . But at the same time that she was scoffing at my life , she was bemoaning the fact that her father , brother and I had all the talent in the family and she had none . This went on for some time . Frequently . Now , this was from a child who exhibited her own talents in many ways . When she was in the sixth grade , she created a wonderful ceramic bowl which I held my breath about when she was deciding who to give it to . The inside is as interesting as the glaze on the outside - pressed clay forms the bowl shape and the glaze is darker in the minute cracks than on the surface . Clay flower buds lay inside as if dropped in the bowl while they were gathered . I love this bowl and that it was molded by Christina 's hands . I still have her little paper canoe , made for an elementary school Thanksgiving project many years ago which sports a campfire in its center . We still share a chuckle about that . If I remember right , she just wanted the occupants to be warm . When she was in her late teens , I was working in the studio and she mentioned again about her lack of talent in relation to the rest of the family . I decided enough was enough and gave her a drawing project to tackle along side me . The more she drew , the better it became and her confidence soared . I never heard disparaging remarks about her ' lack of talent ' again . Now it is a decade or so later and I have a huge warm afghan she made me to cuddle in and her drawing on my wall . Since this spring , she is working side by side with me in my studio . It has been wonderful to explore painting together . We learn much from each other . Sometimes I feel I learn more from her than she does from me . I may teach her technique and new ways to observe what we normally take for granted , but she teaches me how to embrace and share a common bond that enhances our relationship in a new way . Now that it is getting warmer , I am all about the prep . Prepare the flower beds for new plants to come and mulch to keep them tidy . Clean the deck furniture and put it out so I can sit and enjoy the sun . Sweep the spider bodies out of the studio , wash the floors and open the windows to air it out . Restore the easel and paints to their proper home . It has been a long time since I picked up my oil paints . Working mostly in acrylics for some time , the mysteries and quirks of a different medium seemed like extra work . But it is such a nice small board - only 6 " x 6 " . Not big , not daunting at all . I loved oil painting once and perhaps this spring was the perfect time to experiment . After all , it is just about the prep . My hand led the way and my experiment became an experience . Everything I loved about oil painting came back with every stroke . The flexibility of blending , the fluidity of motion - they all conspired to draw me in and I loved every minute of it . Rocky Cove by Donna Saiia Posted by In all homes , there are hidey - holes where the treasures of our lives reside . Mine have several homes , the most notable is under the eaves where boxes ( plural ) of photos and mementos lie in wait . Albums fill most of a bookcase beside my desk chronicling special events , trips and the growth of our family 's history . What is not yet in the albums is under the eaves . And there is a lot of it . Saturday was the perfect day for me to sort thru the mementos and see what should be kept and what should go . The pictures are wonderful reminders of happy times but do I really need ticket stubs and playbills ? I don 't think my decendents need quite that much detail of my everyday life ! I found treasures and photos of some events which would have slipped my mind forever without the visual jog . In the bottom of one box I found a packet of sugar from the Caffe Florian in Venice where Bob and I swooned as we listened to the musicians play . Not something I consciously saved but something which slipped to the bottom of the box unnoticed until I found it the other day and I could hear the music once again and feel the vast darkness of Piazza San Marco surround us like a velvet cape . I remember the soft coo and rustling feathers of pigeons settling in for the night knowing that another feast will await them in the morning when the tourists wake up and explore . Moments in time - my time - sometimes shared with others , sometimes experienced alone . Savored . I think I will make a cup of tea now and sprinkle some sugar slowly over the brew . I want to stay home with a cup of tea and just sit by the front window and watch the snow cascade down the pine branches like little avalanches . My job awaits , though , and I settle for what I know will be a beautiful drive into work . As always , I am enthralled by this brief encounter with nature , knowing the day will bring changes and what I see now will not be there later . I am a little sad that my responsibilities keep me from enjoying it to fullness . Only time will tell , but snow is supposed to start tonight and go thru part of tomorrow dumping 6 - 12 " here . Closer to Boston and the coast - rain or slushy rain . And I was just getting used to seeing the ground again . I am still on my purging quest for less clutter . The bag I took out to the recycling bin this morning must have weighed over twenty pounds . When I look thru my files , though , excitement stirs when I look at the pictures I have cut out and saved . The patio pictures remind me of writing outdoors in southern France on an old wooden table covered with a checkered tablecloth set in the shade of a wide branched tree . I want that feeling here in my own backyard and so back they go into the file . Ditto the garden paths and fountain plans I might need someday . Can you tell I am in an outdoors state of mind ? Drat that snow ! I could be raking up the last of the fall 's leaves this weekend from under the quince bush ( everything gets stuck there ) . If it snows as much as they say , I will be lucky to find the quince bush ! That 's okay , though . I have stitching to do and a great book to read and a garden to plan . I know it will be warm again soon and the great white blanket will soak into the ground and disappear again . Then I will get out that rake and have a field day with it ! All week , I have been looking around me and seeing the abundance we have in our everyday lives and trying to imagine it all swept away . The reality is that I can only imagine . I have a home and heat and can cook anything I want when I want . My family is safe and I have a job I love to help keep us that way . I have been shaken by the unbelievable devastation in Japan and I was wondering if I could share something with you . If you can help , please visit their website and take a look around . You will be encouraged to find that , as we are all finding in many areas of our lives , people step up when the going gets tough . I am glad I had this opportunity to do so and hope you will consider it as well . Winter is my travel time for work . Three shows in two months - meetings with vendors - miles of convention show floors - wheeling and dealing for the catalog . I like the total focus on one thing to be accomplished and then the quiet evenings in the room to read , write and stitch . Recharges my batteries . Snow played havoc with plane travel this year . I never heard of so many serious storms - ones which disrupted thousands of flights ( mine included at both California shows ) . It make me wonder what we will be facing in upcoming years as the weather becomes more erratic and intense . The snow on our deck is creeping up towards the top of the railing and is near impossible to remove as rain thickens its coat only to freeze again . We will have to wait for the slow spring melt . British Airways whisked me to London last week for the Stitches Show without incident . After two west coast trips in four weeks , this trip was a quick hop - skip over the water . Two and a half movies later ( would finish Eat , Pray , Love up on the return trip ) and I was in a cab in rainy London heading for the hotel . Thank you , Travelzoo ! The Tower deal was amazing and the view from my 7th floor window was the Tower Bridge in all its glory . What a sight . It didn 't matter that it rained the entire trip although I would have loved to feel the sun on my face just once . It is impossible to anticipate when inspiration will strike and a resounding a - ha will escape to echo around my realm . The reverberations flow like the tide catching facets of other elements buried deep in my mind . I suppose no one thing can be that impetus but rather a chain of influences and circumstances sets one up for change . Mine has been a desire to simplify and stop the rattling in my brain from a thousand things to do so that I can enjoy the here and now . I have not consciously gone in search of remedies but they have come to me nonetheless . At this stage of my life when sixty is on the not - to - distant horizon , I find myself looking inward for joy and contentment . I also find that there are many external things which hamper that desire . I know it began at Patrick 's house in southern France . A serenity pervades the place and the four of us were content to revel in its pleasures rather than scurry all around the countryside following a tour book 's recommendations . Writing in my journal ( as did Kathy and Marty ) was a contemplation born of the aura around us and the uniqueness of the experience of being in this particular place at this particular time . None of us walked away unchanged . A curious thing has been happening to me over the past few yea s . I find that I am becoming increasingly bothered by clutt r . Not craft - stash - clutter , but life clutt r . Habit clutter , responsibility clutter , people who wear me down , inane TV shows - there are quite a few things I have been drawn to assess in favor of peace and contentme As my bones creak and stamina declines ( what is with that ? ) , I have a strong desire to move past the habitual to - do 's . Why waste my reserves on something I don 't really like in the first place ? There are a plethora of ideas in my pocket just waiting to take me on a proverbial road trip of pleasure . Ahhh , but where is the time ? It is right where I left it , only it was taken up by things totally unnecessary and usually involving procrastination . Things . Stuff . Collections . The stuff in my world is distracting and overwhelms my mind whether I am in their proximity or not . I have never considered myself a person who collects for the sake of collecting , thank goodness , but that hasn 't stopped me from amassing a nice set of cookbooks ( a shelf 's worth of which have gone unopened for many years ) , a fair number of Longaberger baskets ( some of which are packed away under the eaves upstairs ) , and a drawerful of dog toys , only two of which Bailey actually likes to play with . Purge - donate - eBay ! My scheme has picked up steam as more and more time is freed up . My mind is happier , too . This is amazing . Also , I find that I am doing things more slowly , savoring the experiences , listening intently to friends and approaching more aspects of my life with a single - mindedness that is rewarding . The more I simplify , the more I gain in fulfillment . Nice . The snow this year has been piling up . Just after the most recent storm , I was driving home from work and noticed along the sides of the road that the snow blades had exposed a timeline of the storms ' history . Like sediment , layers of snow told the story of the past month 's deluges . It was fascinating in an archaeological kind of way . Of course , the best thing about new snow is that , for awhile , all the nasty , dirty snow wears a clean coat . Everything sparkles in the sun and even the strongest sunglasses cannot dull the intense whiteness . I have been joyfully hibernating . I have read countless books , cleaned a little and simplified my busy life . It is amazing how many time ( and mind ) wasters I have filled my life with . Some may have started for good reasons , but have been continued out of habit rather than need . Take my budget notebook , for instance . A page for every month to track purchases and bills and plastic pockets for the receipts . Originally , we were trying to identify our cost of living and where we could trim . It worked . Never occurred to me to discontinue it . And did I mention that it is time - consuming ? Yup . Well , we trimmed and saved and now I have said adios to the chore . I kept only the critical receipts for taxes and house renovations . How nice to have that eliminated from my life . Now I can get back to my book or putter in my studio unfettered by paperwork . Nice . It is nice to restore order and give the house a more streamlined countenance . Saturday was cleaning day , Sunday was for baking - both nice on a cold and snowy winter weekend . I added pomegranates to the apples in the pie crust which was yummy - next time I want to add more . Reducing saved paperwork upstairs , most of which could be pitched , felt good . Why do I save so much ? Every time I purge , I think of Chris having to go through this stash someday . I wouldn 't want that chore and I certainly don 't want her to have it either . There are plenty of minimalist people in the world - you 'd think I would have brushed up against a few in my lifetime . No such luck . The TNNA ( National Needlework Show ) just ended and , as usual , the talent rivals any art gallery . Creating art with needle and thread is soul - satisfying . Choosing from amongst a plethora of images is impossible . Good thing I was here for work instead of myself or I would have been bankrupt by the end of the first day . I have a healthy stash at home , thank you very much , and two needlepoint pieces plus a pair of socks to knit with me in my hotel room . I did have Lisa , at Nashville Needleworks , order one piece for me from Melissa Shirley Designs . It is a beautiful folk star embellished with holly and ribbons by Mary Lake Thompson for next Christmas . I couldn 't resist ! I took a class while at the show and am excited about working on the design . I knew I would put the project I brought with me aside when I started this one - it is beautiful . Other than my luggage getting routed to India instead of Los Angeles , it was a good trip and I was able to get in some stitching in the evenings uninterrupted by TV or housework . Two of the benefits of traveling alone are a comfy chair all to myself and room service . Sunset over Long Beach Harbor I think they felt sorry for me when I arrived at the hotel without my luggage . They gave me a wonderful corner room with a table and chairs by the window and a comfy arm chair with ottoman . The sunset the first night had the horizon on fire which was a little disconcerting since the busy docks were out there . I head back to snowy Boston tomorrow . The warm sunshine of southern California will have to wait for my next visit in a few weeks for the Hobby Show . This time I think my bag will stay with me on the plane . We watched the midnight fireworks from the harbor which was unique , but I envied the masses on the pier who were counting down the seconds only to break into a roar as the clock struck the hour . It was quiet on our boat . They didn 't do a countdown or play Old Ang Syne . Next time , I want to be with them . Posted by I am in heaven ! I love the new wing at the MFA . Bob and I spent a long weekend in Boston for New Year 's Eve and I got to explore the exhibits to my heart 's content . While he napped ( he is tolerant of my museum forays up to a point ) , I savored the works of John Singer Sargent ( my favorite ) , Mary Cassatt ( another one ) and impressionists to moderns . I left two floors for another time . This one , of an artist friend in Italy really shows his love of white on white with the bed linens draped over the footboard . The rumpled sheets , hastily pulled back out of the way , reflect the light streaming in the window . He was a master at juxtaposing color and creating balance . Born in Boston , I grew up in a rural town in Connecticut . They made Scrabble tiles down the road and still boasted a one room schoolhouse that was in use during my childhood . I gravitated to art and books while still in school and continued on to attend art school in Ohio where I raised my family . Now I am back in New England , loving all it has to offer . My studio gives me focus and my workroom up under the rooftop feeds the rest of my creative soul . I can 't imagine an existence without creativity . Whether creating or appreciating , I am so glad it is in my life .
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Waiting . . . Waiting . . . What a good weekend ! When I got home on Friday night , there was an email for me from one of the folks at the Possible New Job . They were requesting three professional references . Now that couldn 't not be a good sign . My references , carefully chosen , are the former director of operations at the woodshop where I work , my number two guy at the needle exchange in NYC I used to run , and none other than Senator Sunshine . With two of the three - - the former director of operations is a pussycat and a huge fan of mine - - the Possible New Job can count on an unvarnished assessment of the best and the worst of me . And that 's my perspective . I want them to be able to make the best decision possible for the organization . Although I 'm hoping , of course , that includes hiring me . Oh man . I want this job . On Saturday , it was all about softball . The Ball Breakers have made the playoffs ! Hope against hope , we managed to pull it off . The way the playoffs work is double elimination . You keep on playing until you lose two games , and then that 's it for you for the season . The first team facing us was the Hellcats . We love the Hellcats ! They 're a great team , all about having fun like we are , and they work hard . But then , we were going up against Fusion . Fusion is the second best team in the division . Every time we were scheduled to face them , we got rained out . So we had no idea what we were up against . Except that if anyone were betting on the game , the smart money would be on the Fusion . And finally , we were going up against Super G . ( Ech . ) Our opinion of Super G is colored by the presence on their team of this . . . this . . . guy . He 's abominable . Now , you want to support your team from the bench . For the Ball Breakers , that means making some noise from the bench , calling out words of encouragement . " All the way May ! " " Base hit , Buddy , Base hit ! " " You 're a hitter ! " That kind of thing . But the Super G guy seems to spend the other six days of the week thinking up these rococo cheers for his teammates . One year , there was a womaPosted by Oh Right . I 'm So Sure You 're Wondering What This Post Is Going To Be About . Big Mystery ! What Could It Be ? What What What ? Hmmmm . . . Think Really Hard . Let Me Know What You Come Up With . Those Sadists ! They 're gonna make me sweat it out through the weekend ! Yeah yeah yeah . Ridiculous to assume that they 'd call me the very next day or something . But I kind of had hope . Instead , I 've been obsessing ! Filling up my head with dire ideas , replaying the whole thing again and again in my head . . . I couldn 't even be distracted by this sweetfaced Starbucks boy with a great ass who was smoking his first cigar . Right there ! In front of me ! ( Okay , so maybe I got a little distracted thinking about grabbing him , chaining him up , driving him up to NYC , and whoring him out for $ 5 a lay . $ 10 for the first time since it would be busting his cherry . ) But I was right back to trying to figure out what my chances are . At least this allowed me to take a break from wondering about the man from the hot tub . Since I 've bent the Baron 's ear on this issue way too much , I decided to spread things out and I gave a call to UnFortunate . And that was great ! He let me run on and on about the whole thing , talking about it from every possible angle , and even got me off the subject once or twice . Like to have this revelation . . . ( I swear I 'm not this self - absorbed ! I 'm not ! I guess it 's the result of spending so much time in rooms full of people talking about myself . ) anyway , y ' know how in so many romantic comedies it comes to pass that the guy tries and tries to get the girl of his dreams , and all the time he 's plotting and whining to his girl buddy , and at the end of the movie , he realizes that the woman he was after is wrongwrongwrong , but that his girl buddy . . . well , suddenly he 's looking at her in a whole new way ! That totally doesn 't make sense to me . I don 't fall in love with people I know . Not friends , not co - workers , not friends of friends . Pretty obvious what that 's about , right ? Duh ! I 'm projecting my fantasies and desires on the guy ! And that doPosted by Wait For ItHad the interviews today . And things went pretty well . In the morning , I met with the staff . And I think that overall , we had a good time together . We chatted for almost two hours . And I really liked them . They were bright , energetic , and passionate about the work that they were doing . Such a huge difference from the other Philadelphia non - profit I interviewed with last winter . They were all about whine whine whine . Sour faces all around . I was out of there just before noon , so I headed down to Center City . A frisson of excitement coursed through me when I realized that I . Goldberg 's - - the world 's greatest military surplus store where I 've been buying boots since I was in high school - - was actually open ! And so I went on a $ 35 shopping spree , emerging with two shirts and three new pairs of pants . No joke . Then I caught lunch at a sushi place with reasonable prices , and - - whaddya know - - found a Starbucks . The hours rolled by , and I headed back to the hood for the second interview with the full board of directors . Again , things went well . The folks I had met last Thursday wre warm and welcoming , a guy on the board greeted me with a smile and a handshake , as we 'd met at a conference years ago and he knew me by reputation . ( Cool , right ? ) The interview with the board was pretty good , although I have to admit , at this point I was a little low energy . I don 't know that it showed though . And now , they meet and talk and decide . And once they decide , I 'll get a phone call . Either way . With things like this , it 's never a sure thing . If you 've ever been on jury duty you know that when a group of people get together in a room and make a unanimous decision about something , there 's no predicting which way it 's going to come out . ( Especially if one of the people in the room is a persuasive contrarian given to seeing a different side of any question like me . ) But I think I have a lot of reason to hope . I 'm looking forward to getting the phone call . But for now , I 'm just waiting . Oh ! And the guy from the hot tub called me to telPosted by Cross Fingers . Light Candles . Make Offerings To The Gods . Second round of interviews is this Thursday . In the a . m . , I meet with the staff . In the p . m . , I meet with the full board . My deduction is that there 's one other person I 'm up against , so my chances must be in the neighborhood of 50 / 50 . And those aren 't bad odds . Nervous ? A little . But just because it would be so great . But more confident than nervous . I 'd be really good . It would work well . And that guy . . . The guy from the hot tub . . . He was unavailable all weekend . Which made me a little crazy . For a little while , I had just about convinced myself that I 'd been fired . ( As the kids say . ) But then I get this sweet , wonderful email from him waiting for me when I got home from work on Monday . When he called me ' Daddy , ' I just melted . Up DateSo . The interview . The date . How 'd everything go ? The interview went great . At least , I did nothing wrong , and I think I did a lot right . I didn 't see their eyes glazing over or the drumming of their fingertips on the table . And I really liked them . And I liked the place , too . Just the feel of it . They seem like a good organization , and I think I 'd enjoy working there . And then the date . Oh man . Of course I had a good time . I found my way to his apartment , he got changed , we drove down to Chinatown to have Chinese food . We talked and talked the whole time . About real stuff . Life , values , change . We talk as though we 've known each other for years . And that , of course , is the problem . The friend of a friend once observed , " Ever notice how the person in a relationship who gives the least has the most power ? " And I hate that this is making me think of those damnig words , but . . . well . . . I like the guy so much . I almost wish he would do something wrong . Like make me spend an evening watching his Britney Spears video collection or something . So I could manage to back off . But instead , he just keeps doing things right . It 's been a long , long time since I met a man who I connected with like this . I 'm really stuck on the guy . I call him . He calls me back . I know I know I know ! Whatever , right ? It 's like I get an all expenses paid trip to Paris and I complain because I don 't get to see the Cubs play Atlanta . But I have to admit , it 's getting me a little crazy . Because I swear , the last time I noticed this was during the Mr . Bigshot Hollywood Producer episode . And I swear , I can 't go through that again . I just can 't . But it puts me in such a tough position . It 's like , " Oh ! I know ! I 'll hold off and let him make the next move ! " Ri - i - i - ight . That would involve me torturing myself , checking my cellphone and email every eleven minutes or so , and then finally breaking down and giving him a call and being like , " Oh . Hi . How goes it . " Okay . Enough . Grow up , dammit ! Here 's the deal . First off , he has a lot of stuff going on in his life . Posted by Insta - Gay - DurrrInstigator is just not working for me . Noticed it with the last issue , but definitely with the latest issue . First on my gripe list . . . the writing is just so not good . I have a hard time getting through a paragraph . It might as well be legal papers in a contract dispute . I keep having to look back at the title of the piece to remember what I 'm reading . And then , of course , there 's the Personal Pronoun Issue . Count down the words in each article from the first until you get to " I . " I swear that I sure don 't remember that being a situation I ran into very often in Drummer . ( If you wanna write in the first person , you should do a weblog , Boss ! ) And the magazine 's editorial point of view so often reminds me of drunk guys I try to avoid in bars : all about tearing down , but not a lot of building up . They 're Down Down Down on the Leather establishment ( or whatever you 'd want to call it ) and all about " Hard Tribe , " which other than some vague text and some ( exceptionally wonderful ) artwork by Axel , doesn 't really offer a lot of information . I guess it 's everybody on the guest list of their last party . And for chrissake , guys ! Of course I realize that you pay the bills by advertising , but do you really have to expend so much space on trying to sell me clothes ? ( Duh ! Ever ' buddy knows if you don 't try it on before buying it you 're wasting your hard earned scratch . ) Some of us out here are verrrry concerned about the commodification of something pure and beautiful and real , that we call BDSM . But here 's what really cheeses me off : In the most recent issue , I run across the banner headline , " The Death of " Safe Sex " ! ! ! " Well that sure piques my interest . But my blood sure starts to boil as I geet the drift of things : plastering a new name on an old idea . Oh yeah right . I 'm sure all the guys at Instigator use a condom every time . There in the backroom of wherever , going down on that hot boy , they conscientiously put the condom over the boy 's throbbing tool before they put their lips around it . And for quiet eveningsPosted by Just Wondering . . . Although I 'm a sucker for reality television in general - - the third season of Project Runway being the current favorite - - I 've never gotten into American Idol . It just doesn 't work for me . Seeing the latest winner - - whatever his name is - - on the Ford commercial sure makes me wonder : is he deranged ? Somehow mentally impaired ? What 's with that ? Ch . . . Ch . . . ChangesJob interview next week . Not counting the chickens before they 're hatched or anything . Not getting my hopes up . I know how these things go . ( Despite the fact that I did this job for five years , it 's so much more a matter of fit . Of vision . A certain je ne sais quois . But still . Right now , I work in Doylestown , seven miles away from home , and pretty much divide my time between there and home . But what if things work out well with the guy from the hot tub ? And what if I get this job down in Philadelphia ? See what I 'm saying ? I don 't think the implications have sunk in for my father yet . But I 'm sure they will . Oh No . Not Again . At the supermarket . Picking up some stuff to make fish chowder for dinner tonight . As I 'm walking from my car , I see this cute little blond girl , about three or four years old , watching my approach through the plate glass windows . I smiled at her , and , the little minx , she stuck out her tongue at me . So of course , I stuck out my tongue back . She laughed and stuck out her tongue again . I gave her my tongue again , and threw in some googley eyes and head movement for good measure . And I looked up to see the cashier , same one from the Clifford The Big Red Dog incident , staring at me . This time , her mouth was hanging open in disbelief . Luckily , there was another cashier working when it came time to pay . Posted by No He Di ' nt ! Yeah he did ! So the hot tub guy and I talked on the phone last night . ( Okay . So we have had a few phone calls . And some emails . And even a couple of text messages . Yeah . It 's going on . ) A - a - a - a - a - a - anyway , last night we were doing the blah - blah - blah thing , me sitting out on the screened in porch , listening to the night sounds , watching fireflies , and seeing the golden glow of the rising moon caught in the big oak tree across the street , and he said It . Forget what we were talking about exactly , but out he comes with " I 'd love to learn to weld . " Truth ! He really said that . It 's a good thing I was sitting down , because I would have had to pick myself off the floor otherwise . But I recovered quickly , coming back with " I 'll teach you how to weld , Buddy " And I think he wasn 't expecting that . And was maybe a little floored himself . I . . . I . . . I . . . Let 's just say there 's a reason I haven 't picked out a nom de blog for this guy . Do I Need A New Supermarket ? So tonight , stopping off for groceries at SuperFresh StoopidFresh , there at the checkout counter , I was asked if I had my bonus card . " Of course ! " I answered , " I never leave home without my bonus card ! " Y ' know , just me being palsy . Everybody 's buddy . Making friends wherever I go . As I searched my wallet , it registered at some level that I wasn 't hearing any kind of response from the young woman ringing me up . I glanced up at her . And recognized her . She was the one who was working the register during the infamous Clifford The Big Red Dog incident . And she had this look on her face , approximately saying , " You 've just confirmed everything I suspected about you . That 's all I need to know . " Okay . Whaddyawant from me . I 'm a nutjob . I 'll own it . DeliciousMy Bush - votin ' , Bible - thumpin ' buddy from work just returned from a missions trip with his church to Grenada ( Remember ? That place we invaded back in the ' 80s . ) And , good guy that he is , he brought me back a present : a jar of hot pepper jelly . For the unitiated , there is absolutely nothing better with a hot pork sandwich . It 's sublime . I guess you could say I like my pork sandwiches the way I like my men : hot and sweet . Howl At The MoonYesterday , playing softball at the fields on Randall 's Island , one of my teammates got all excited : " It 's the parrots ! It 's the parrots ! " he hollered , pointing overhead . Two birds , an almost irridescent green , swooped low in flight over the field then up into the trees . He explained that they were feral green parrots , escaped from cages . Somehow these two , male and female , had found each other , and made a home on Randall 's island . Now , think about that . You 're a parrot , right ? You just got out of your cage , you 're flying around in New York City . Your natural habitat , and all the other members of your species , are six thousand miles south of you . And yet , you manage to find a mate . ( The Ball Breakers , my team , won both games we played , and I did pretty well on the field , too . ) I was late getting up to NYC for softball , because the night before , I had a date with the guy from the hot tub at DogTopper and Zapper 's First Saturday In July Dungeon Soirée . He made me dinner , a rare enough occurence . He lit candles all over his amazing apartment ( an old elevator factory , overlooking the Ben Franklin Bridge and a stretch of I - 95 . I brought him some flowers - - day lilies and lavender - - that I cut from my garden . And I came to learn that all this had been orchestrated . He 's been good friends with DogTopper and Zapper for several years . He 's dated a long string of The Wrong Guys . Wrong Wrong Wrong . So apparently , he was complaining to DogTopper and Zapper , along the lines of , " Why can 't I just meet a nice guy ? Why is that so hard ? " And why is that so hard ? Remember those feral parrots . And DogTopper and Zapper thought of me . And I , of course , have had my own problems meeting a nice guy , right ? 2006 had been the Year Of Dating Furiously , and talking to the Baron von Philadelphia a few weeks ago , I joked that I could put together a video montage of so many Dates Gone Wrong , capturing the moment in each one when I would rather be anywhere else . DogTopper and Zapper thought of me . And they told him that they were having aPosted by Someone 's Making Dinner For Me . For A Change . So it 's set . He called . " He " being hot tub guy . He 's making me dinner tomorrow night . And I 'm really excited about this . Why ? Because , while talking to him on the phone , I got the impression that he 's pretty excited about me . And that 's so intoxicating . That just makes me want to dance . I 'm coming to his house for dinner , and that makes him all happy . He 's risking . He 's putting himself out there . He 's taking a chance on me , because he thinks I 'm worth it . I wonder if tonight , as he 's going to bed , drifting off to sleep , his head will be filled with imaginings of where we might go together , what might happen if our dinner date goes really really really well . I wonder . Because that 's what I 'll be doing . Take Good CareSo why exactly do I spend so much damn time hanging out on the porch of Starbucks ? Because every once in a while , an experience like this afternoon 's goes down . There we all were , and my buddy the Real Estate Mogul brought up a line of inquiry . R . E . M . is interested in setting up an intentional community ( as am I ) , and he asked all of us what would be some good first principles . Two young people - - a boy and girl , aged 18 and 17 respectively - - had some really great things to offer . As did I . Great great great conversation . But here 's what just had my mind riding roller coasters . . . We were talking about relationships in the community . I pointed out that in monasteries , ' particular friendships ' were deemed to be bad , not because they 're considered immoral or unhealthy , but because your primary relationship should be with everyone , and a particular relationship with one person in particular detracts from that . So how would it work ? Would it be a rule that everyone be sexually available to everyone else ? Obviously not . The young woman had some particularly wise - beyond - her - tender - years things to say about relationships . And we came up with this really exciting idea . Y ' see , one of the things we 'd try to overcome in the community is possession and ownership . Things that you have that are yours exclusively would be kept to the barest minimum . What was important , we had said earlier in the conversation , was the idea of Stewardship : that you take good care of those things that you enjoy , recognizing that you won 't always have them around , and that you should try to leave them better off when you no longer have them around then when you found them . " That 's what relationships should be like , " said Ms . Wise - Beyond - Her - Tender - Years , " stewardship . You should enjoy it when you have it , but realize that the person isn 't going to be in your life for ever , but do your best to make sure the person is better for having been with you . " There was this moment as it sunk in for all of us . And a couple of gasps were heard . And then evPosted by I Am The Rolling StonesHave you heard the Stones ' last album ? Whaddya expect from a bunch of guys who can get the senior citizens discount at Denny 's . I mean , c ' mon ! They 've been making music for over forty years . At this point , they 're the Rolling Stones . If they have a concert , then they 'll pack the stadium . Well , the album kicks serious ass . It 's brilliant and heartfelt . So why ? Surely , they didn 't have to expend the effort , right ? I mean , they 're the Rolling Stones . This past weekend , at Zapper and DogTopper 's First Saturday In July Dungeon Soirée , I felt that wonderful Zen equanimity . Balance . Being content . I express it as , " I 'm here , with nothing to prove to anyone , myself included . " I know what I can do , and I know what I like . But because I know what I like , and I know my strengths , I can just pull it out . So yeah . I am the Rolling Stones . No Way ! Way ! Another one ! What is going on with the younger generation ? I think the Religious Right was . . . uh . . . right . Will & Grace brings homos into American living rooms and it turns kids gay ! 's ' true ! Okay . Compared to last summer , the crew hanging out on the porch of Starbucks in Doylestown leaves much to be desired . They just lack . . . charm . Most of my interactions are ' Hey how goes it ' and I go back to my Times . The one who heretofore grated on my nerves the most is an apparent human car wreck whom I 've been referring to as Impulse Control Disorder Boy . He does things like break a placid afternoon by bellowing " Yo ! Dude ! " at the top of his lungs and go running out into traffic to accost somebody who apparently knows him slightly given the somewhat befuddled reaction . And then there 's his wardrobe choices . Earlier in the Spring , he took to wearing about sixty bandanas tied around his shins . For days . And I was not alone in wondering if he took them off at night and put them all back on in the morning , or was just wearing the same pants for a week . And he 's there with his antics all the time , because somehow he 's cobbled his act together enough to rent an apartment right over Starbucks . Then there was the day that he sat down at my table , drunk on beer , and blah - blah - blahed for an hour straight without stopping . No respite . No hints taken . So . I 'm totally reconsidering all this now because guess what ! Impulse Control Disorder Boy is queer ! I swear ! He was in a surprisingly mellow mood today , and plopped himself down at my table , shared with about six other people . First , he showed us his yoga moves . And he 's like . . . really good . And while boasting about his uncanny flexibility , he mentioned in an off hand way , " Yeah , the guys I bed are always amazed . " Say what ? " Yeah , " he elaborated . " I do guys . None of my straight friends can believe it . Until I get them drunk and get down to business with them . " So am I now seeing - - let 's rechristen him , ' kay ? - - Nature Boy in a whole new light . Taught , lean little body , huge beautiful eyePosted by First Of Julyaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh . As Henry James said , " The two most beautiful words in the English language are ' Summer Afternoon . ' Today , the weather is flawless . Upper eighties , the humid air buzzing with insect life . Green green green green . So lush from all the rain . I 'll be spending the next couple or hours sitting out on the porch , smoking cigars , and reading the Times . Stuff to do this afternoon - - putting my cage together , mounting the kayak on top of the jeep - - but first this respite of sweet delight . But first , wanted to report on the party last night . First off , I am King of Tarts . My Tarts rocked . They snapped them up like seals going after grunion . A bunch of tart hungry little perverts . Here 's what I did . I made a ' basic tart shell ' that I found on the internet , and when they were cool , I filled them with a " quick cream pie filling " that my stepmother used to make . Basically it 's cream cheese and sweetened condensed milk whipped up into concupiscent curds . And then I made lemon curd , that classic staple of English pastry making . Lemon curd takes lots of whipping . It 's basically eggs , sugar , and lemon juice , and you whip it in a bowl over a pot of simmering water on the stove . And whip it and whip it and whip it . If you stop and the termperature goes to high , you 'll get sweet , lemony scrambled eggs . And that would be bad . I assembled the tarts , licking the spoon constantly . ( So it was sort of like I frenched kissed every guy at the party . Although I kind of did that anyway . But even those I missed , I hit . ) Unfortunately , tarts are quite the project . ( " wrap the ball of tart dough in plastic wrap and chill in the refrigerator for two hours " ( ! ) ) . And after a long week of work in the woodshop , I practically fell asleep standing up Friday night , passing out cold ( nice thought , right ? Me out cold . . . helpless . . . at your mercy ? ) around 9 : 30 pm . Saturday morning , my father had to go to the bank , so there was that kerfuffle . So it wasn 't until about noon that I started in . And 4 : 00 when I had creamed the last of the tarPosted by
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I would have posted earlier , but I am still in recovery mode . Where to begin . First of all , I flew in Friday morning and met my sister and her friends at the airport . I arrived at the airport before Mindy , so it was one of those rare post - 911 moments when I was actually able to wait for her at her gate when she got off the plane . We were super excited to see each other ! We took a hummer limo ( as seen below ) to the hotel , where we promptly put on our swim suits and went to the pool . Now you may think , " Hotel pool . That 's not too outrageous . That seems relatively calm . " But you 'd be wrong . It turns out , D . J . Pauly D from the Jersey Shore was there to spin some music . He was supposed to be there at noon , and didn 't show up until three . But that didn 't deter the almost four thousand people from paying an outrageous $ 50 cover to get in and wait for him . Luckily , as hotel guests , we didn 't have to pay to get in . Which was good since we literally couldn 't find a place to put our things . The entire place was packed like I 've never seen . I friend of mine commented on facebook that it looked like I was in the scene of MTV 's Spring Break . Yep . Felt like it too . Then in the evening we got ready to go out to a club . I put on my tall gold heels and was ready to go . We stayed out super late , and had a great time . The next day we went back to the pool , which was wasn 't nearly as busy as the day before . But I still found it weird that I was I . D . ' ed at the door when it was only 9 a . m . Apparently beer and alcohol is served at the pool from the moment it opens in the morning , to when it closes in the evening . After a day at the pool , we went back for a brief nap , and then started getting ready for dinner . We walked through some gorgeous hotels before finding a spot for dinner . Then we went to a wonderful show . That 's right . We say Thunder from Down Under . I don 't really have anything else to say about that . Google it if you wish . After the " show " we went to a series of clubs that were within out own hotel . One of these clubs was having Shaq 's Posted by On Friday I 'm flying to Vegas . Yep . Me . In Vegas . My little sister is getting married in August , and her bachlorette party starts Friday in Vegas . Friday is my birthday . This is terrific because Scott and I got married on my sister 's birthday . Yes , it is possible to narrow down every Saturday in an entire season and arrive at only one possible date that just happens to be your little sister 's birthday . She was cool with it , but made us promise that we could get married on her birthday only if we shared our first anniversary with her on her twenty - first birthday , which of course , we did . So now her bachlorette party is on my birthday . My sister and I are not alike at all , but we 're super close . Many qualities that I love about her are those I wished I possessed myself . However , with those differences comes this Vegas trip . My sister will probably rock the Vegas . Me . . . well , not so much . When I got the itinerary of weekend events , I just about fell out of my chair . Let 's just say there will be lots of . . . " clubbing . " Me . In a club . ( Its okay if you giggle , I giggle nervously just thinking about it . ) I don 't want to be totally out of place in this Vegas scene , I mean my little sister has ten other friends coming , and as the risk of sounding like a high schooler , I want to fit - in at least somewhat . And I didn 't think my typical Loft sundress and fake pearls would do the trick . So Scott and I went to the mall and I got some " appropriate attire " that I 'm sure I will never ever wear again . Today I returned to the mall to get a pair of shoes and a couple pairs of earrings to go with my new " Vegas outfits . " My friend Amber went with me , and I told her that I was thinking about getting some gold flats , like some gold hercules sandals . Maybe something like this : Amber just sort of looked at me , and asked if I had talked to Mindy about this . I told her that I 'm sure Mindy would agree . Amber insisted that I call Mindy right then and there and ask her opinion . Fine . I called Mindy , and the conversation went sort of like this : Me : Hey MiPosted by One of our favorite restaurants to go to for lunch after church used to be Chipotle . When we lived in Fresno we would go frequently with the Portelas . Obviously we missed this restaurant when we moved to SC , so we were thrilled when one of our favorites opened on Harbison Blvd . We 've been several times , however I 've noticed a trend that I don 't care for . Every time I wait in line to get my food I watch as the people in front of me give their order , and when things don 't look just right , the food is thrown away and the server starts over . Last time we went , the waste was extraordinary . First of all , the lady in front of me asked for three steak tacos . Apparently the server thought she meant three orders of steak tacos . There are three tacos in an order , so the server began steaming tortillas for nine total . The customer quickly realized the miscommunication and explained it to the server , who promptly threw the extra six tortillas in the garbage . Then the customer asked for one with rice and beans . The server thought she meant one with beans , and another with rice , but no . The customer wanted one with rice AND beans , and the others with none . This resulted in adding beans to the one with rice , and throwing yet another tortilla ( this one with steak too ) in the garbage . Then we began our order . My mother in law said that she wanted black beans , the server added pinto . Another burrito in the trash . I asked for two burrito bowls . The server steamed two tortillas , and then upon realizing her own mistake , threw both tortillas in the trash . But the real clincher was with the kids ' orders . I ordered quesadillas for the kids , with Emily 's being a full kid 's meal , complete with a side of both rice and beans . I watched as the server wasn 't pleased with cheese the oozed out of the foil during the heating process ( she threw these away ) and then when adding the rice and beans to the kids plate , she didn 't like the way the beans overflowed in to the next compartment of the disposable tray , so she threw the entire thing away and Posted by Every once in awhile Scott and I will find ourselves looking for something to do after dinner is over and the dishes are put away . Many times we find ourselves going to Rita 's for italian ice , and then to Barnes and Noble . For some reason , this happened many Friday nights in a row . A few of those times I had a gift card to spend . Spending money at Barnes and Noble has never been an issue for me . However , I always find myself in a quandary . I will walk straight to the kids section , and begin perusing through the newest children 's literature . But then I wander over to the newly expanded " young adult " section and find several titles there too . Eventually I remember that I AM an adult , so maybe I should check out the best sellers shelf , or find one of those titles my friends have mentioned were great . So which books do I get ? Almost all of the time , I go for the children 's lit or young adult . I guess there is something so wonderful about sharing a great book with somebody that makes it that much better . Some favorites I enjoyed talking with kids about this year were The Hunger Games Trilogy ( I also loved talking about this books with several friends of mine who also loved this book ) , The Evolution of Calpernia Tate , The Underneath , and A Long Walk To Water . ( Though I think I 'm missing some . . . ) This summer started out with my reading through so many things . I re - read Crazy Love . And then I sped through the latest Nicholas Sparks book . But then I started reading what just may be the best book I 've read in years . I just finished it today , and I think Scott is thrilled because he 's been claiming neglect for the past couple of days . The Help is an amazing book that looks in to the relationship between female black maids an their female white bosses . Its brilliant in every way . It was one of those books that I had to make myself put down . Several times I just couldn 't , like the time this week that I stayed up until 2 a . m . reading . Then when I did put it down to MAKE myself do housework , I couldn 't stop thinking about not onPosted by Every summer I have a lot of things I want to get done . Of course , not everything gets completed before the summer ends , but I do accomplish many of my goals . This summer is no different . I was thinking this evening about everything I wanted to " get to " this summer . Things like learning how to pickle cucumbers , reading certain professional development books , and cleaning out my closet ( I still have my Y2K millennium dance party in there from college ! ) Emily was sitting beside me as I went through this mental list . So I started talking with her about things she wanted to do this summer . At first she told me about going to VBS , visiting family , and going to the beach . But when I started telling her about the things I wanted to learn this summer , she immediately responded with what she wants to learn . She said she wants to learn how to tie her own shoes ( Boy do I hope she 's successful with that one ! ) in addition to learning how to whistle and snap her fingers . She also said that she really wants to lose a tooth . Whistling , tying shoes , snapping her fingers , and losing teeth . In my mind , these are all rights of passage that come with growing up . Then it occurred to me : She wants to grow up ! I don 't know I how I feel about this . On one hand , I remember so many things that signified growing up when I was little . Not things that many of us share like learning to drive a car or staying home by myself for the first time , but specific things that signified " growing up " for me . Things like the " Moving Up " song at RBG . ( Talk about building school community ! ) and getting to go off the high dive at the pool . Others I thought about were not going to children 's church during the service , but actually having to sit through the whole sermon . Or getting to ride my bike on the other side of Kranenburg Ave . without my parents watching me cross Nord Rd . Thinking about this made me wonder what specifics will enter Emily 's mind as a symbol of growing up . I can 't wait to see what those things will be for her . But on the other hand , I can ' tPosted by Scott and I have some friends who marvel at the many new things they learn the more they hang with Scott . A similar comment was made to me by a neighbor this afternoon , and yet again a few days ago . I started to think about it , and decided this was worthy of a blog post . I 'd be curious to know which things shocked / humored / horrified you the most . . . 1 . Scott was originally a music major before he changed majors to education . He marched in the Rose Parade carrying his tuba three years in a row . 2 . There is a large tattoo on his upper right arm . 3 . When he was ( much ) younger , he got in trouble with the cops more than once . One specific instance was when he and his brother were throwing hot tar off the top of a building down on to the cars below . 4 . He spent a month backpacking across Europe5 . He 's had seven different surgeries6 . He accepted Christ on March 26 , 1992 when he was 19 . 7 . He once lived with a friend 's grandmother . She spoke no English , so he learned quickly . I still love to hear the way he orders at a Mexican restaurant . 8 . Scott listens to crazy rap , heavy metal , and various other genres of music . ( all but country , which he swears gives him headaches . ) His favorite group is Rush , but he 's also a big fan of Ozzie Osborne . 9 . He was once a state ranked tennis player10 . In high school he had long blonde hair and wore a long dangly skull earring . 11 . In high school he had a teacher tell him that he would never make it in college . His teacher also told him that she hated him . 12 . While living in southern California he would ride his bike from the city of Santa Fe Springs all the way to Seal Beach every day . 13 . His wife loves him ! But I 'm sure you already knew that ! The twins love to color with Emily at the table . So the other day I decided to get out some water colors and let them try it out . Elsie took things very seriously , and sat for over thirty minutes with the paints and her masterpiece . Emily has always loved to paint , so Elsie just sort of watched her and caught on to dipping the brush in the water and then the paint . Eli caught on to one thing : Dumping the cup of water upside - down . We had a short few minutes while I took pictures when things were relatively calm with all three , but shortly afterward , Eli had to be removed from the table . He 's such a boy ! Summer always comes with a series of loud afternoon / evening thunderstorms . Last night was no exception . Emily had a friend over and they were watching a movie and munching on popcorn . Emily is sort of weird like her parents , and she typically marvels at the thunder and lightening . It was very apparent that her friend was very much afraid of the storm . As Emily watched her friend cringe at the flashes and jump at the rumbling that shook the house , Em tried to make her feel at ease by saying , " Ya know . . . that loud thunder is only the sound of angels bowling . " ( Just as she said that , one of the loudest bolts struck in a simultaneous whip of thunder ) Emily paused , and then said , " See ! There must be an angel up there doing a victory dance because she got a strike ! " It was a good effort . But it didn 't help . Her sweet little friend was scared silly . By this morning I thought the thunderstorm was a something of the past , so I was a little surprised at the following ( precious ) conversation that we had on the way to the grocery store : Emily : Hey mom , take a look at the skyMe : Yeah , what do you notice ? Emily : Do you see all those clouds gathered around the sun ? Me : YepEmily : Its like the clouds are the angels and the sun is God and He 's gathered them all around to make an important announcement . Me : So , what do you imagine that announcement may be ? Emily : I think He 's telling them to stop bowling , because its scaring the kids . All I could do was smile . Because once again , Emily Grace left me speechless . I love that kid . Sometimes things just turn out perfectly for me to go to Em 's school and participate . Water day was one of those days . My own students had 10 : 45 dismissal every day last week , and for some reason ( I hear something about snow day make - up hours ) teachers were able to leave at 11 a . m . This worked out just perfectly for this mom ! I raced across town and enjoyed every moment during the final days of Kindergarten ! With summer comes the opportunity for me to update the blog more often . Like most teachers , summer is a time of reflection . A time to consider all the wonders of the year that has passed and to consider the different ways of approaching the year to come . I have many thoughts , ideas , and questions as I form my goals for the next year with fourth graders . But one goal I have for home is to update this little blog weekly . . . even during the school year . A task that will be fun , I 'm sure ! Until then , I 'll enjoy every moment of this summer with my sweet family . And what a better way to start off the first blog post of summer than to show of our sweet Emily and her classmates during the last day of school ! A quieter summer for me this year , but there are still plays , exhibits , and mo ' to see and do in Willems - world . Here is the Summer Update ! APPEARANCES ! No . . .
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I would have posted earlier , but I am still in recovery mode . Where to begin . First of all , I flew in Friday morning and met my sister and her friends at the airport . I arrived at the airport before Mindy , so it was one of those rare post - 911 moments when I was actually able to wait for her at her gate when she got off the plane . We were super excited to see each other ! We took a hummer limo ( as seen below ) to the hotel , where we promptly put on our swim suits and went to the pool . Now you may think , " Hotel pool . That 's not too outrageous . That seems relatively calm . " But you 'd be wrong . It turns out , D . J . Pauly D from the Jersey Shore was there to spin some music . He was supposed to be there at noon , and didn 't show up until three . But that didn 't deter the almost four thousand people from paying an outrageous $ 50 cover to get in and wait for him . Luckily , as hotel guests , we didn 't have to pay to get in . Which was good since we literally couldn 't find a place to put our things . The entire place was packed like I 've never seen . I friend of mine commented on facebook that it looked like I was in the scene of MTV 's Spring Break . Yep . Felt like it too . Then in the evening we got ready to go out to a club . I put on my tall gold heels and was ready to go . We stayed out super late , and had a great time . The next day we went back to the pool , which was wasn 't nearly as busy as the day before . But I still found it weird that I was I . D . ' ed at the door when it was only 9 a . m . Apparently beer and alcohol is served at the pool from the moment it opens in the morning , to when it closes in the evening . After a day at the pool , we went back for a brief nap , and then started getting ready for dinner . We walked through some gorgeous hotels before finding a spot for dinner . Then we went to a wonderful show . That 's right . We say Thunder from Down Under . I don 't really have anything else to say about that . Google it if you wish . After the " show " we went to a series of clubs that were within out own hotel . One of these clubs was having Shaq 's Posted by On Friday I 'm flying to Vegas . Yep . Me . In Vegas . My little sister is getting married in August , and her bachlorette party starts Friday in Vegas . Friday is my birthday . This is terrific because Scott and I got married on my sister 's birthday . Yes , it is possible to narrow down every Saturday in an entire season and arrive at only one possible date that just happens to be your little sister 's birthday . She was cool with it , but made us promise that we could get married on her birthday only if we shared our first anniversary with her on her twenty - first birthday , which of course , we did . So now her bachlorette party is on my birthday . My sister and I are not alike at all , but we 're super close . Many qualities that I love about her are those I wished I possessed myself . However , with those differences comes this Vegas trip . My sister will probably rock the Vegas . Me . . . well , not so much . When I got the itinerary of weekend events , I just about fell out of my chair . Let 's just say there will be lots of . . . " clubbing . " Me . In a club . ( Its okay if you giggle , I giggle nervously just thinking about it . ) I don 't want to be totally out of place in this Vegas scene , I mean my little sister has ten other friends coming , and as the risk of sounding like a high schooler , I want to fit - in at least somewhat . And I didn 't think my typical Loft sundress and fake pearls would do the trick . So Scott and I went to the mall and I got some " appropriate attire " that I 'm sure I will never ever wear again . Today I returned to the mall to get a pair of shoes and a couple pairs of earrings to go with my new " Vegas outfits . " My friend Amber went with me , and I told her that I was thinking about getting some gold flats , like some gold hercules sandals . Maybe something like this : Amber just sort of looked at me , and asked if I had talked to Mindy about this . I told her that I 'm sure Mindy would agree . Amber insisted that I call Mindy right then and there and ask her opinion . Fine . I called Mindy , and the conversation went sort of like this : Me : Hey MiPosted by One of our favorite restaurants to go to for lunch after church used to be Chipotle . When we lived in Fresno we would go frequently with the Portelas . Obviously we missed this restaurant when we moved to SC , so we were thrilled when one of our favorites opened on Harbison Blvd . We 've been several times , however I 've noticed a trend that I don 't care for . Every time I wait in line to get my food I watch as the people in front of me give their order , and when things don 't look just right , the food is thrown away and the server starts over . Last time we went , the waste was extraordinary . First of all , the lady in front of me asked for three steak tacos . Apparently the server thought she meant three orders of steak tacos . There are three tacos in an order , so the server began steaming tortillas for nine total . The customer quickly realized the miscommunication and explained it to the server , who promptly threw the extra six tortillas in the garbage . Then the customer asked for one with rice and beans . The server thought she meant one with beans , and another with rice , but no . The customer wanted one with rice AND beans , and the others with none . This resulted in adding beans to the one with rice , and throwing yet another tortilla ( this one with steak too ) in the garbage . Then we began our order . My mother in law said that she wanted black beans , the server added pinto . Another burrito in the trash . I asked for two burrito bowls . The server steamed two tortillas , and then upon realizing her own mistake , threw both tortillas in the trash . But the real clincher was with the kids ' orders . I ordered quesadillas for the kids , with Emily 's being a full kid 's meal , complete with a side of both rice and beans . I watched as the server wasn 't pleased with cheese the oozed out of the foil during the heating process ( she threw these away ) and then when adding the rice and beans to the kids plate , she didn 't like the way the beans overflowed in to the next compartment of the disposable tray , so she threw the entire thing away and Posted by Every once in awhile Scott and I will find ourselves looking for something to do after dinner is over and the dishes are put away . Many times we find ourselves going to Rita 's for italian ice , and then to Barnes and Noble . For some reason , this happened many Friday nights in a row . A few of those times I had a gift card to spend . Spending money at Barnes and Noble has never been an issue for me . However , I always find myself in a quandary . I will walk straight to the kids section , and begin perusing through the newest children 's literature . But then I wander over to the newly expanded " young adult " section and find several titles there too . Eventually I remember that I AM an adult , so maybe I should check out the best sellers shelf , or find one of those titles my friends have mentioned were great . So which books do I get ? Almost all of the time , I go for the children 's lit or young adult . I guess there is something so wonderful about sharing a great book with somebody that makes it that much better . Some favorites I enjoyed talking with kids about this year were The Hunger Games Trilogy ( I also loved talking about this books with several friends of mine who also loved this book ) , The Evolution of Calpernia Tate , The Underneath , and A Long Walk To Water . ( Though I think I 'm missing some . . . ) This summer started out with my reading through so many things . I re - read Crazy Love . And then I sped through the latest Nicholas Sparks book . But then I started reading what just may be the best book I 've read in years . I just finished it today , and I think Scott is thrilled because he 's been claiming neglect for the past couple of days . The Help is an amazing book that looks in to the relationship between female black maids an their female white bosses . Its brilliant in every way . It was one of those books that I had to make myself put down . Several times I just couldn 't , like the time this week that I stayed up until 2 a . m . reading . Then when I did put it down to MAKE myself do housework , I couldn 't stop thinking about not onPosted by Every summer I have a lot of things I want to get done . Of course , not everything gets completed before the summer ends , but I do accomplish many of my goals . This summer is no different . I was thinking this evening about everything I wanted to " get to " this summer . Things like learning how to pickle cucumbers , reading certain professional development books , and cleaning out my closet ( I still have my Y2K millennium dance party in there from college ! ) Emily was sitting beside me as I went through this mental list . So I started talking with her about things she wanted to do this summer . At first she told me about going to VBS , visiting family , and going to the beach . But when I started telling her about the things I wanted to learn this summer , she immediately responded with what she wants to learn . She said she wants to learn how to tie her own shoes ( Boy do I hope she 's successful with that one ! ) in addition to learning how to whistle and snap her fingers . She also said that she really wants to lose a tooth . Whistling , tying shoes , snapping her fingers , and losing teeth . In my mind , these are all rights of passage that come with growing up . Then it occurred to me : She wants to grow up ! I don 't know I how I feel about this . On one hand , I remember so many things that signified growing up when I was little . Not things that many of us share like learning to drive a car or staying home by myself for the first time , but specific things that signified " growing up " for me . Things like the " Moving Up " song at RBG . ( Talk about building school community ! ) and getting to go off the high dive at the pool . Others I thought about were not going to children 's church during the service , but actually having to sit through the whole sermon . Or getting to ride my bike on the other side of Kranenburg Ave . without my parents watching me cross Nord Rd . Thinking about this made me wonder what specifics will enter Emily 's mind as a symbol of growing up . I can 't wait to see what those things will be for her . But on the other hand , I can ' tPosted by Scott and I have some friends who marvel at the many new things they learn the more they hang with Scott . A similar comment was made to me by a neighbor this afternoon , and yet again a few days ago . I started to think about it , and decided this was worthy of a blog post . I 'd be curious to know which things shocked / humored / horrified you the most . . . 1 . Scott was originally a music major before he changed majors to education . He marched in the Rose Parade carrying his tuba three years in a row . 2 . There is a large tattoo on his upper right arm . 3 . When he was ( much ) younger , he got in trouble with the cops more than once . One specific instance was when he and his brother were throwing hot tar off the top of a building down on to the cars below . 4 . He spent a month backpacking across Europe5 . He 's had seven different surgeries6 . He accepted Christ on March 26 , 1992 when he was 19 . 7 . He once lived with a friend 's grandmother . She spoke no English , so he learned quickly . I still love to hear the way he orders at a Mexican restaurant . 8 . Scott listens to crazy rap , heavy metal , and various other genres of music . ( all but country , which he swears gives him headaches . ) His favorite group is Rush , but he 's also a big fan of Ozzie Osborne . 9 . He was once a state ranked tennis player10 . In high school he had long blonde hair and wore a long dangly skull earring . 11 . In high school he had a teacher tell him that he would never make it in college . His teacher also told him that she hated him . 12 . While living in southern California he would ride his bike from the city of Santa Fe Springs all the way to Seal Beach every day . 13 . His wife loves him ! But I 'm sure you already knew that ! The twins love to color with Emily at the table . So the other day I decided to get out some water colors and let them try it out . Elsie took things very seriously , and sat for over thirty minutes with the paints and her masterpiece . Emily has always loved to paint , so Elsie just sort of watched her and caught on to dipping the brush in the water and then the paint . Eli caught on to one thing : Dumping the cup of water upside - down . We had a short few minutes while I took pictures when things were relatively calm with all three , but shortly afterward , Eli had to be removed from the table . He 's such a boy ! Summer always comes with a series of loud afternoon / evening thunderstorms . Last night was no exception . Emily had a friend over and they were watching a movie and munching on popcorn . Emily is sort of weird like her parents , and she typically marvels at the thunder and lightening . It was very apparent that her friend was very much afraid of the storm . As Emily watched her friend cringe at the flashes and jump at the rumbling that shook the house , Em tried to make her feel at ease by saying , " Ya know . . . that loud thunder is only the sound of angels bowling . " ( Just as she said that , one of the loudest bolts struck in a simultaneous whip of thunder ) Emily paused , and then said , " See ! There must be an angel up there doing a victory dance because she got a strike ! " It was a good effort . But it didn 't help . Her sweet little friend was scared silly . By this morning I thought the thunderstorm was a something of the past , so I was a little surprised at the following ( precious ) conversation that we had on the way to the grocery store : Emily : Hey mom , take a look at the skyMe : Yeah , what do you notice ? Emily : Do you see all those clouds gathered around the sun ? Me : YepEmily : Its like the clouds are the angels and the sun is God and He 's gathered them all around to make an important announcement . Me : So , what do you imagine that announcement may be ? Emily : I think He 's telling them to stop bowling , because its scaring the kids . All I could do was smile . Because once again , Emily Grace left me speechless . I love that kid . Sometimes things just turn out perfectly for me to go to Em 's school and participate . Water day was one of those days . My own students had 10 : 45 dismissal every day last week , and for some reason ( I hear something about snow day make - up hours ) teachers were able to leave at 11 a . m . This worked out just perfectly for this mom ! I raced across town and enjoyed every moment during the final days of Kindergarten ! With summer comes the opportunity for me to update the blog more often . Like most teachers , summer is a time of reflection . A time to consider all the wonders of the year that has passed and to consider the different ways of approaching the year to come . I have many thoughts , ideas , and questions as I form my goals for the next year with fourth graders . But one goal I have for home is to update this little blog weekly . . . even during the school year . A task that will be fun , I 'm sure ! Until then , I 'll enjoy every moment of this summer with my sweet family . And what a better way to start off the first blog post of summer than to show of our sweet Emily and her classmates during the last day of school ! A quieter summer for me this year , but there are still plays , exhibits , and mo ' to see and do in Willems - world . Here is the Summer Update ! APPEARANCES ! No . . .
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JERUSALEM - APRIL , 1915 . Sivia bent down to examine the stone that caught her eye as she crossed the rocky field on her way home from school . Unlike its rough , pink or white neighbors , this one was oval shaped ; shiny , smooth and black . She placed it in her small palm and , bouncing her hand lightly , considered its weight . She didn 't often find such a perfect stone . Maybe it would be a good omen . Or wait . Isn 't black bad luck ? Black cats , black uniforms on the Turkish police … But no , that was old ladies ' nonsense . Bobbe meisses , her young , fair - skinned teacher , Naomi called them . Before she started her game , Sivia touched the stone to her cheek , feeling the warmth it had soaked in from Jerusalem 's spring sun . She remembered what her mother said about black clothes keeping in warmth in the winter and wondered how a color could make you warm . She had one thick wool sweater , the one her mother had knit last winter that was growing short in the waist and sleeves - and though off - white , it was warmer than anything else she owned . Ona had wanted her to wear the sweater this morning , but Sivia had resisted . " It 's spring . It 's warm , " she had protested , pushing her mother 's hand and the sweater away . She had run down the stone stairs , sweaterless , her mother 's voice still calling her name , echoing after her as she ran through the courtyard and out the stone arch . Tracing her lips with the warm stone , Sivia hurried through the field dotted with the season 's first scarlet anemones , to the pavement so she could begin her game . Squinting against the sun , she tossed the stone in front of her , hopped until she reached it , bent down on her right leg balancing the left in the air behind her and picked up the stone . If she succeeded without stumbling or moving her right leg even a centimeter , she would walk 16 steps , throw the stone and start over . ( Sixteen was her favorite number . She had needed a lucky number for one of her games once and had asked her mother for her lucky Sixteen , her mother had immediately replied . Sivia had wanted to know why . " When we came to The Land , " her mother had explained , " I needed a birthday . Your father decided my birthday should be June 16 . " ) If her right leg did move or her hand had to touch the ground for balance , she would have to throw the stone from where she was and try again . She made sure to jump over any cracks in the pavement . Tova , who was in the fourth grade , had told her she could prevent harm from coming to her family if she never stepped on a crack . Ever since , Sivia had tread carefully on the pavement . If she didn 't step on a single crack , she believed , she would ensure not only her mother 's wellbeing , but would ward off other lurking evils as well . She had many little tricks for protecting her mother : getting all her subtraction problems right ; not missing a word of a new song they were learning ; counting to 100 without blinking . Across the road , two Turkish policemen walked quickly side by side . Sivia stopped playing and watched them , remembering that just last week two such policemen had come and tried to take away their neighbor Moshe Abuloff 's sons . Sivia shivered , remembering her neighbor and the police shouting at each other . That night , the whole Abuloff family had left , carrying bundles . But she didn 't want to think about that . Her thick brown braids bouncing with each hop , Sivia progressed down the three blocks from the empty lot next to her school to the corner of her street , where the shuk , and the noise , began . She took in the familiar scents of coriander and scallions and mint as she turned the corner . It was Thursday , and the small shuk was crowded with women and men shopping for Shabbat . In the crystal clear sunlight , piles of lemons , oranges and grape - fruits , the last of winter , gleamed . Chaim , the vegetable man was gesticulating to a woman who was holding up two celery roots and shaking them so clumps of dirt fell into the parsley . Another woman was trying to convince Chana , who ran the fruit stand , to give her eight clementines for the price of six . As she turned left onto Rechov Habukharim , Sivia slipped the stone into her dress pocket and quickened her pace . She was getting hungry and the anticipation of whatever delicious meal her mother had prepared for her today overpowered her desire to continue her game . She also wanted to make up with her mother for having run off without the sweater . " Ho , Sivia ! Shto - yi ? " In a lull between customers , Frecha , her mother 's friend , leaned on her broom at the dark entrance to what looked like a cave filled with hills of potatoes , onions and garlic . Her barrel - shaped body was covered by a long , faded dress that had grown tight around the middle . An old gauzy , yellow and brown flowered bandana covered her hair and most of her forehead , reaching just above the thick eyebrows that met in one line above her nose . Her shapeless ankles , covered with heavy stockings , stood solidly in maroon slippers whose backs had long ago been squashed by her weight . She seemed to scowl and smile at the same time in the coarse , warm way of older Bukharian women . Sivia waved and hurried on , holding her breath as she passed the fish store , breathing again as she approached the pita man 's oven with flat bread baking upside down on its ceiling . She turned left into the stone archway and right through the shady courtyard to the high stone steps that led up to the small rooms she shared with her mother and brother . Theirs was one of the smallest apartments around the two - story Moussaioff courtyard , one of two apartments the original builder had set aside for the poor . Some of the apartments , including the Moussaioff family 's , were large , with room following room , one leading into the other . All were built almost 30 years before , of the same thick , massive stone , like most of the courtyards in the then - new Bukharian Quarter , one of the first neighborhoods outside the Old City . The courtyard was filled with trees as well as two cows , a few goats and chickens , and some families ' cooking stoves . As she walked up the steps , she counted . Every day , she tried to count a different way and today it was by threes . Three - six - nine - 12 - 15 - 18 . She pushed open the door to her apartment and felt puzzled without quite knowing why . It was a moment before she realized that no delicious aroma greeted her nostrils . There was no sound of food sizzling or bubbling on the kerosene burner . " Ona ? " she called . The thick stone walls answered with silence . Sivia hurried into the corner of the room that served as a kitchen . " Ona ? " she called louder , beginning to feel a queasy sensation at the bottom of her stomach . Her mother was always home when she returned from school and always there was something good to eat . Today , Sivia had hoped it would be ground beef fried with tiny pieces of onions , cinnamon and chunks of dry bread , a dish her mother had invented . The dry - bread - and - meat dish was one of her favorites , but she loved anything her mother made except brains and tongue . Sivia couldn 't understand how anyone could eat the brains of an animal . She thought it was repulsive , and made sure toMerav gave Sivia a few moments to cry , patting her back and holding her as she sobbed out her fear . But soon she started telling her to be brave , not to cry . She was a big girl , now , wasn 't she ? Sivia didn 't feel like a big girl at all . She wanted her mother and her mother wasn 't there . Would she come home ? Would she ever see her mother again ? Sivia couldn 't control the sobs and the cries of " Ona ! Ona ! " that escaped her lips as they had when she was little . Other women and children and a few old men from other apartments around the courtyard began to gather around the pair . It was those Turks - may their names be erased forever , someone said . They were losing the war and needed more men for their army and now they were drafting the Jews in Palestine . They had let us alone till now , said Abbo , the oldest man Sivia knew who seemed to know everything , but now they were coming after us . Sivia looked up at the familiar short figure whose head was always covered by a fedora . From where she stood looking up , she could see the coarse gray hairs growing out of his nostrils . Many Jewish boys were safe , Abbo was saying . They had been granted citizenship by France or England - but the Bukharians were an easy target . The same thing had happened to Moshe Abuloff , the butcher , who lived down the street , someone said . He had two sons and said , No , he wouldn 't give them to the Turks , may their names be erased , to die in their cursed war . They took him straight from his butcher shop , still wearing his apron , to jail and gave him two choices : Give us your sons or leave the country . But he was a man ! Would the Turks arrest a woman , a woman alone with no husband ? And who would be next ? Yes , Merav explained , she had been there , she had seen it all . Chenee had cried , but they took her . Curses rang in the air . Abbo looked at Sivia and told his grandson David to run to the falafel kiosk where Moshe Nissim worked and tell him to come home . He put his big hand on Sivia ' shoulder and said , " Don 't worry . It will be alright . I promise you . " All afternoon , Sivia stayed near Merav , following her every - where like a shadow . " Sivia , jon , I have samosa ! " Merav coaxed with a smile , lifting a corner of the cloth napkin that covered a tray on the hall table . But Sivia couldn 't eat . She had no family here except her mother and brother . She knew she had two older half - brothers who had stayed in Bukhara - she didn 't know why - when her family had come up to The Land five years ago . Here there were no close relatives , but it never really mattered before . Merav was like an aunt and other people around the courtyard were like family . She saw them every day and her mother , gentle and kind , was popular among her neighbors , a friend to many . Merav again tried to get Sivia to eat , offering cinnamon - nut cookies this time . But Sivia 's stomach hurt and her throat felt full . Merav and her samosa and cookies were right there in front her of her but they seemed far away and separate from her , as if they stood behind a window . As she sat in Merav 's kitchen while the older woman minced tomatoes , cucumbers , mint and scallions for salad , a memory began to form . In her mind , she saw her father lying on his back in bed in the middle of the day . The brown blanket made two bulges , a big round mountain where his stomach was and a steep little hill where his toes pointed at the ceiling . People were crowded into the small room . Sivia had sat in a corner , holding her doll and sucking her thumb until Merav came and took her and Moshe Nissim to her house . She hadn 't wanted to go , but she let herself be taken quietly . She and Moshe Nissim had slept at Merav 's that night and even though she had been right next to her bNo one used the word died , but she understood , eventually , that her father had died , like the featherless new bird that had fallen out of the big eucalyptus tree in the middle of the courtyard the spring before last , or the cockroaches her mother slapped with her bare hand in the cooking area . She had loved her father 's soft lap and long beard and big hands when she would get to visit with him just before supper . But mostly , they had to tiptoe around him as he sat at the table reading big , black books . After he died , she had begun wetting her bed at night , again , and refused to fall asleep without Ona 's arm under her head . The setting sun began to coax the gold and pink hues of the stones in the courtyard and in the walls of the buildings out into the fading light . It was usually Sivia 's favorite time of day . She would be sure to be downstairs in the courtyard or , if it was too cold , on the small porch , to watch the changing light perform its daily miracles . But tonight the setting sun brought only more fear . The day was ending but her nightmare was not . She waited and wished and cried and prayed . Just as it was getting completely dark , Sarah , who lived near the arch burst into say that Chenee was back . Sivia ran out of Merav 's house , across the courtyard and full force into her mother 's soft arms and ample breast . Her mother kissed and hugged her and patted her hair . " Poor child ! How you must have worried ! " She was back , but she didn 't look right , and there were three men with her . Rabbi Avraham , whom Sivia recognized from the neighborhood , and two men in police uniforms . They all trooped up the stairs to the small apartment where the rabbi whispered to Moshe Nissim in a corner while Chenee sat wearily on a stool and drew Sivia to her . " Everything is alright , jonekam ( my soul ) , " she said , using the endearment she lavished on her only daughter . " We are together . But we have to go away for a while . " As her mother rose , Sivia overheard talk of a port , a ship , and " Alexandria " - a word she did not understand . But there was no time for questions . Sivia watched as her mother spread their white Shabbat tablecloth on the table and carefully piled cloth - ing , a photograph of her father , the kdecha ( a big , deep black iron pot used for frying ) , the Shabbat candlesticks they had brought from Bukhara , and their blankets into it . Her mother then brought the four corners of the cloth up and tied them into a tight knot . Sivia 's stomach growled as she watched , glad that her mother was taking the kdecha . Chenee made Sivia put on the old white sweater , even though it was still warm . Moshe Nissim car - ried the big bundle , and they all filed out of the apartment - the policemen , the rabbi , Chenee , Moshe Nissim and Sivia . At the door , Sivia stopped , turned and ran back in to get her doll - the one she had carried with her the day they had left her first home in Bukhara . " Everything is alright , Miriam , " she said , stroking the doll 's woolen hair . " But we have to go away for a while . " She looked quickly around her home . Her mother was back , she was not dead , they were together again . She caught up to the group , and clutched at Chenee 's dress , holding tight . As she walked down the steps , not counting this time , but still careful not to step on the cracks , Sivia felt something bounce in her dress pocket . She reached her hand into her pocket and found the stone . The black stone . It was cold now . Maybe it had brought bad luck . Sivia started to throw it down , then stopped . It was a piece of Jerusalem , a piece of her home . Maybe she would keep it a while , take it with her to whatever new place they were going to . They would have stones wherever they were going , of that she was sure . But they might not have such a perfect one . BETWEEN DECEMBER 19 , 1914 and September 23 , 1915 , 11 , 277 Jewish refugees - 14 % of the population of the Yishuv - landed in Alexandria , fleeing or expelled by the Turkish authorities , who then ruled pre - state Israel . Born in Los Angeles , of Bukharian Jewish parents , Ruth Mason lives and writes in Jerusalem . This is the " prequel " to Mason 's memoir in Lilith ( Summer 2015 ) , " Bride Price , " in which she describes the extraordinary bargain that returned her mother , grandmother and uncle to Jerusalem after their exile . What 's next in our political ( and personal ) moment ? Three responses : PTSD , Purim , Peace marches . How to democratize Talmud . A counterintuitive parenting manifesto . Truths about families as a source of pain - and pleasure . Spring 201712 battle - tested feminists offer wisdom for right now . Dr . Ruth : better sex , and more . Paula Vogel 's " Indecent " on art in a dangerous time . How men handle breakups . What 's next in our political ( and personal ) moment ? Three responses : PTSD , Purim , Peace marches . How to democratize Talmud . A counterintuitive parenting manifesto . Truths about families as a source of pain - and pleasure . Fall 2016Readers choose 40 Jewish feminist objects . Jewish teens giving gun control sermons . Body policing . Lilith landmark articles - coming out in the Orthodox world , the JAP stereotype , female holiness , and more . Summer 2016Stepmothers , from sinister stereotype to contemporary counter - narratives . Campus anti - Semitism in North Carolina . Is boredom in shul a vital career booster ? Summer fiction to keep you suitably distracted . Gender , power and holding the door . Flying While Female on El Al Yes ! Sign me up for Lilith 's free email newsletter . Thank you for joining the growing circle of Lilith supporters whose tax - deductible contributions underwrite the work of Lilith , a not - for - profit 501 ( c ) 3 . Contact
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Thank you to the lovely Elizabeth for hosting me . Lucky Fall is about a bashful bookseller who has a birthday encounter with one very sexy British billionaire . I managed to catch Victor Ivanov in between business meetings so your followers would get a more intimate glimpse of the man who rocked Julianne 's world . Victor - Boxer briefs - the best of both worlds . However , again I must admit I would rather be at my most comfortable . Refer to prior question . Victor - Definitely dogs . Especially the beautiful Blood hound Julianne rescued . He sometimes gets confused about who is alpha male , so I inevitably play the bad cop role as Julianne indulges him a great deal . But then again , her compassion is one of the things that draws me to her . Victor - Her favourite presents are books , chocolates , and candles … in that order . Also , she enjoys role play … . don 't tell her I told you . Victor - I 'm tenacious . When I know what I want I go after it . I 'm a very jealous man , and that can make it difficult to have a relationship with me . Julianne Brenan was living her life like a nun without a church . Suffering from a betrayal she let define her , she chooses to live in solitude . Then a chance encounter on her birthday with a younger , handsome , billionaire leads to a night of passion like she 's never experienced . Victor Ivanov releases all her inhibitions and makes her feel alive . Julianne is thankful for the experience and chooses to cherish the memory of Victor 's gentle but demanding touch . But Victor has no intention of being a memory for Julianne . She 's a beautiful but bashful bookseller , and he 's no ordinary billionaire . I started imagining stories in my head at a very young age . In fact , I got so good at it that friends asked me to create plots featuring them as the heroine and the object of their affection as the hero . We 'd spend hours on the phone while I came up with a series of unrealistic , yet tender events , which led to a satisfying conclusion . You 've heard of fan fiction … this was friend fiction . Even with that , it took many years to realize I could produce an actual full - length book that readers would enjoy . I try to make my stories humorous , realistic , with flawed but redeeming characters . I hope you enjoy my stories and always find The Happily Ever After in every endeavour . Thanks Elizabeth for inviting me over here today to share a snippet from Re - Awakening , my story in the Paramour collection . If you want to get your hands on the whole thing - and who wouldn 't fancy getting to grips with the hot and oh - so - sexy Zack Lassiter ? - you can find it in the Totally Bound book boutique . The Paramour collection went on general release on 7 February . Knowing the sort of hot gossip we all like to keep abreast of , I tracked down Zack and fired a few finely honed questions at him . All in the name of research obviously . Here 's what he had to say for himself … ZL : Right , an elephant . That 's what I thought you said . I think I 'd probably stick it in one of Gennie 's guest bedrooms . Might be a struggle getting it upstairs , but she 's been thinking about getting a lift installed for people in wheelchairs . That might work … ZL : Oh yes , I 'd say so . Can 't be getting all constricted , it 's not good for the circulation . I do like to circulate , when I can . ZL : Oh well , as you insist . Scratches head , thinks hard . I suppose Keira Knightley has her attractions . In a good light . So does Julia Roberts but my own pretty woman is my lovely Gennie ZL : ' I 'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here ' . Definitely . I 'd love to eat slugs and kangaroo penis , and stick my dick in dark holes with rats running around . Full of those tricks , I am . And Gennie would love the trip to Australia to meet me coming back across the bridge through the fireworks and ticker tape . I 'd do it for her … ZL : She 's a closet foot fetishist . She loves it when I stroke her heels and massage the soles of her feet . Purrs like a kitten . She 'll do anything for me when I get between her toes … ZL : Sod all . Now Gennie 's fridge , that 's a treasure trove . Ice cream , cheesecake , Stella Artois . I 've been known to shove the odd dildo in there when her back 's turned - makes for a nice evening 's sport . ZL : Me and my brother used to play chicken on the train lines near our house . My mum would go ape if she ever knew . Don 't you dare tell her - I 'll deny it . A widow for six years , Imogen is not looking for another lover , let alone a Master . She had one of those , once , and no - one could ever compare . Certainly not a handsome , cocky young man , passing through the area and needing a room for the weekend . But when sexy Zack Latimer turns up on her doorstep he instantly recognises the underlying grief cocooning Imogen from the world outside . The intuitive young Dom makes himself at home in her house , and quickly exposes her most private needs and fears . He sees straight through her facade of self - sufficiency to expose the yearning she tries so hard to stifle . Unable to deny or resist the intense attraction she feels for her sensual guest , Imogen is quickly drawn in as he invites her to rediscover her submissive nature . Can she surrender once more , perhaps even find happiness and fulfilment again with a new Master ? Until 2010 I was a director of a regeneration company in Leeds , in the UK , before becoming convinced there must be more to life . I left to work as an independent consultant , and still do some of that though most of my time is now spent writing . At last I 've been able to realise my dream of writing erotic romance myself . I 've been an avid reader of fiction for many years , erotic and other genres , and I still love reading historical and contemporary romances - the hotter the better . But now I have a good excuse - research . When not writing - which is not very often - my time is divided between my role as resident taxi driver for my teenage daughter , and caring for a menagerie of dogs , rabbits , tortoises . And most recently a very grumpy cockatiel . I 'm a rural parish councillor , and I 'm passionate about evolving rural traditions and values to suit twenty first century lifestyles . I 've completed my third trilogy in the Black Combe ' family ' and I 'm well on with writing the fourth , as well as a novella , and a stand - alone novel for Totally Bound 's ' What 's Her secret ? ' imprint . All are due for release over the next few months . Ashe always loves to hear from readers . You can find her on her blog , and on the Totally Bound site . She 's on Facebook , and twitter . She 's on Pinterest too , and Goodreads Her somewhat strained job prospects were still exercising Imogen 's thoughts as she cycled back along the lane to her house later that afternoon . She was wondering about maybe finding some way of working from home - four buses a day into Skipton would make commuting to work something of a tall order in any case . Perhaps she could become an internet entrepreneur . Ebay was created for the likes of her , surely . Except she 'd need a reliable broadband connection and mobile phone signal for that , and Bainbridge was not exactly speeding up the fast lane of the information super - highway . Maybe she should think about marrying someone rich . That could be a good career move . She wasn 't even that fussed about the marrying bit , just the company would do . Well , except for the sex . Anyone of her age , single , and who was prepared to move out the back of beyond to live in her idyllic country retreat with her , would probably be into vanilla stuff . Too bland . Too - predictable - for Imogen 's taste . Not that she 'd tasted much of anything for years now . Not since Sean . She was amazed to feel tears pricking at her eyes . Christ , she 'd thought she was past all that . Six years on , and she really , really should be past all that . Past sobbing at the sight of his picture tucked away in a drawer in her bedroom . Past gulping back her tears at a snatch of memory - a moment of remembered shared pleasure coming back to taunt her lonely present . Over the years she 'd been alone , Imogen had trained herself never to glance in that rearview mirror . She had to move on , had to keep on trying to move forward . She would get there . She supposed her problem lay in not really knowing where ' there ' was . What was she looking for ? If not a life with Sean , then what ? There must be something else for her , but she hadn 't found it yet . Maybe she never would . She 'd convinced herself that this guest house was her future , now she suspected it might be a millstone instead . She wondered if it had been a challenge to begin with , a huge responsibility that had the sole purpose of sucking up her attention , her energy and her drive . She needed to fill her days , and her nights with something . Anything . A distraction . And now she was failing at this , too . She reached her gate , dismounted and unlatched it . She pushed her bike through , brushing the tears from her face with her gloved hand . Angrily she sniffed , determined not to give in . Not to spend another evening gazing at the television and lecturing herself on the evils of pouring another glass of wine , only to eventually stumble off to bed with no idea what she 'd watched for the last three hours , and an ever increasing row of empty bottles waiting to go to the bottle bank . She rounded the corner of her house and stopped dead . A car was in the driveway . A nice car , one of those large , smooth , purring things . As she came closer , she saw it was a BMW , its dark grey bonnet gleaming in sharp contrast against her brick - red gravel chippings . The car was empty , and as she stood admiring the sleek lines , Imogen balanced her bike against her front porch and glanced around for the occupants . They had to be here somewhere , there wasn 't another property for half a mile , nowhere else they might be . She reached out , laid a palm on the top of the bonnet and felt the warmth there . The car had not been standing idle long . Hi Elizabeth . Thank you for having me stop to visit today . I 'm thrilled we 're all part of the great Valentine 's Day collection , Paramour , from Totally Bound ! Me : Fair enough . Okay . Question number one . If I gave you an elephant and asked you to keep it a secret , where would you hide it ? Graham : ( blinks ) Seriously ? Probably in a garage at one of my houses up the coast . ( he leans toward me and lowers his voice ) Then you 'll tell me why it 's a secret . Graham : ( he sits back and smiles ) I think I like these deep , introspective questions . Socks ? Eh , whatever matches . Dark with suits , white with jeans . Socks are a shoe - necessity for me , I don 't over think it . Graham : Both . I don 't have any pets right now , but I can see having a loyal dog nearby , like a lab . Then , knowing Stacy , we 'd definitely have to have at least one cat lazing around . Graham : Absolutely not . But , if it came down to life or death , it 'd be one of those taste - testing cooking shows . Or better yet , the one where the guy goes around and tells restaurants what they 're doing wrong and how to make it right . Now that 's more up my alley . Graham : She 's a closet mess . Don 't laugh , it 's true . She seems all organised and put together , but you don 't want to look inside her closets . Oh , and you don 't want to get too close to her when she 's on a new - recipe cooking spree . Food is everywhere . Graham : I don 't give up . Some may call this good , but I 've been told , on more than one occasion , to back off from a plan or project . When I see the end goal , I give it my all and go for it . Graham : That 's easy . Fresh from the oven , still warm , melt - in - your mouth homemade bread . Even Stacy , when I cajole her enough , will break down and make a loaf or two . Graham : ( relenting with humour dancing in his eyes ) Just one ? Okay . When I was about twelve I got mad because my mom wouldn 't send me to camp , so I mixed dirt in with all her spices . Graham : ( He gives me a hard stare , knowing I avoided his question . I can 't help but squirm in my seat . The moment lengthens before he relaxes and answers my question . ) My music is pretty eclectic , so you 'd find just about everything on there . Classical , rock , jazz , hip hop . Me : Sounds vast . Well Graham , thank you for taking a few moments to talk with me today . I know you 're a busy man and restaurants don 't run themselves , so with that , I bid you adieu . It 's Valentine 's day and newly liberated divorcee Stacy Dalton has a plan : seduce her former classmate and end the post - divorce intimacy drought . She 's cooked a meal , she 's dressed to the nines , and she is crossing her fingers that tonight she will not go to bed alone . There is a slight hiccup in the plan when it 's not her former classmate that shows up with an easy smile and a hungry look - but his drop - dead gorgeous son . Twenty - nine year old Graham Rosen has always been attracted to older women . So making last - minute plans to take out his father 's cancelled date seems an effortless and enjoyable task - especially when he sees the sable - haired beauty who opens the door . Unfortunately , Stacy seems hung up on their age . Even after giving in to Graham 's erotic attentions , the beautiful cook refuses to acknowledge any possible future to their relationship . Some women need a strong man - with an even stronger hand . Graham is no mere boy to shy away from a challenge and he is more than willing to show Stacy he 's serious about his desire for her beyond just one lustful night . But will his erotic discipline succeed in dissolving Stacy 's hesitations and bring her closer to him ? Or will it scare her away ? She double - checked the little details as she hurried to the front door . " Dining room table set , check . Dinner almost ready , check . Wine out , check . Dress , hair and make - up … " she trailed off as she inspected herself in the hall mirror . " Check . Well , " she whispered to her reflection , " here goes nothing . " " Um , hi ? Can I help you ? " she asked the young man at her doorstep . She peered around his wide shoulder to see if Martin had pulled up yet . She paused and gave him a more thorough inspection . He stood tall , maybe six feet , and wore an expensive suit . His short dark brown hair was neatly styled , but it was his eyes , deep hazel and intense , that held hers once she stopped looking all over the place . Captivating . He smiled then , and she thought she might melt . She trailed her gaze over him again and blushed when he cocked a smooth brow . He held out his hand and she gave him hers , momentarily surprised because he placed a kiss on the backs of her fingers . " It is a pleasure to meet you . I 'm Graham Rosen . Martin Rosen 's son . " " My dad sent his regrets . He … well , he apparently ran into my mother yesterday . They 've been divorced for several years , but it seems like they hit it off again . He went to the mountains with her today . I 'm sorry , I thought you knew . " He smiled and didn 't speak until she met his gaze full on . She was struck again by his height , his sharp looks and by the subtle , but intense way he seemed to study her . She didn 't want to look away . " Stacy , I felt bad for my dad cancelling on you like he did . He also mentioned he 'd not seen you in many years . I 'm only in town for the day , and it is Valentine 's , so I thought to take you to dinner . " She blinked up at him . He wanted to take her to dinner ? She almost said okay , then remembered where she was , who she was , and that this man before her was barely older than a boy . If he were Martin 's son , he couldn 't be more than in his mid - twenties . She studied the hint of laugh lines around his eyes . Okay . Maybe late - twenties . But that 'd be pushing it . Martin must have had Graham right out of school . She shook her head to focus her thoughts . Handed a historical romance at the age of twelve , Ayla fell in love with love and with happy endings . Having grown up living life tasting a little of this and a little of that has not changed this attitude , but it 's expanded her views . Love isn 't always happy and it isn 't always the way a person " thinks it should be . " Sometimes it 's outside the box , and it 's always a challenge . The challenge of finding and holding onto this love is what drives Ayla in her fiction . She likes stories that strip love - among other things - down to the skin and tests the attachment and beliefs of the participants . Sometimes that test can come in the form of multiple partners , overcoming a desperate fear or even being sexually inventive . Maestro is released today , for all those of you who 've ever wondered what goes on behind the scenes at a major opera house . Is the star tenor really as passionate as the character he portrays ? Well , that 's what the story 's heroine Jax is about to find out , as she 's charged with creating the costumes that will be worn by super - hot Canadian opera star Kieran Vale . In the next few weeks I 'm going to be sharing Kieran 's story with the authors of the other stories in the Totally Bound Paramour collection , as well as learning all about their deliciously dominant heroes . But for now here 's a little extract from Maestro , featuring Jax and Kieran 's first meeting : Ten minutes later , we were sitting at the table in my studio , Kieran tucking into cold pasta with tuna and beans , while I munched on a cheese and ham toastie . Sharing lunch with him felt like my delicious secret . Kirsty would be so jealous when she got back from her shopping expedition to discover the luscious Mr Vale had been here . We talked as we ate . Well , Kieran did most of the talking . I was just happy to sit and listen to that deep voice , warm and smooth as honey , flowing over me . Kieran described his upbringing in a quiet suburb of Vancouver , and how his father had tried to push him towards a career in law . " But I always wanted to sing , " he said , before pausing to take a sip of his orange juice . " I knew I 'd been given a voice people wanted to listen to , and when you have a gift like that , it 's a crime not to use it . I mean , anyone can become a lawyer , can 't they ? But to be on stage at La Scala , and have the entire audience hanging on your every note … How many people get that opportunity ? " I couldn 't believe how comfortable I was in his company . We 'd just met , and already he seemed like an old friend . Even so , I couldn 't help but be aware of just how handsome he was . Kieran had charisma to burn , and when he turned that sexy , hooded gaze on me , my pussy clenched with desire . It didn 't seem to matter that I was eleven years older than him , or that his financial worth was so much greater than mine . A couple of times I caught him staring at me when he thought I wasn 't looking . Each time he blushed and turned his attention back to his lunch . But I 'd seen the way his pupils had grown larger , seen the cute way he gnawed on his lower lip . The signs were there . He was attracted to me , too . Maybe he flirted like this with everyone . After all , he was a man who could have any woman he wanted . It would be safer if I kept my fantasies to myself - especially the ones in which I submitted to Kieran 's every instruction . Otherwise , I might be setting myself up for a very nasty fall . Yes , it 's Sunday snog time again over at blissekiss . co . uk , and I 'm joining in with a sneak excerpt from my new Totally Bound release , Maestro . It 's part of the Paramour Valentine 's collection , four stories involving older women involved with dominant younger men ( and you can 't go wrong with a combination like that … ) and is set behind the scenes of a major London opera company . Costume designer Jax has been tasked with creating designs for the opera Perpetua , in particular , the eye - catching outfits that will be worn by hot Canadian tenor , Kieran Vale . There 's a spark between Jax and Kieran that she can 't deny , but she 's afraid of acting on the attraction . Kieran , however , recognises her submissive tendencies and is more than happy to act on them , but first comes the kissing part : Kieran pulled me into an embrace , and we kissed . The taste of his mouth was sweet against mine , with the slightest lingering flavour of olive oil . My body melted against his , and as he moved his kisses in a soft trail down my neck , heading towards my collarbone , I let him unbutton my blouse and push it from my shoulders . In response , I pulled his navy polo shirt out of the waistband of his trousers . I traced the flat , warm planes of his abdomen with my fingertips . He growled softly in response . He clambered on to the bed beside me , and pulled a couple of lengths of material from his bedside drawer . He wrapped the end of one of them around my left wrist and I registered the feel of silk . Then he used the scarf to secure my arm to the wrought - iron framework at the head of the bed . Working quickly , he repeated the process with my other wrist , tying the knots tight enough that I wouldn 't be able to wriggle out of my bonds , but not tight enough to endanger my circulation . Having secured me in place , he took one of the big , down pillows and arranged it under the small of my back , tipping my hips up towards him . With a lazy smile down at my bound body , seemingly confident that I wouldn 't be going anywhere for a while , Kieran began to undress . He took a frustratingly long time to strip down to his white trunk - style underwear with the designer 's name emblazoned on the waistband . All I could do was lay there , wondering what he might be about to do next . He answered me by crouching over my body and planting soft kisses on my lips and the hollow at the base of my throat . He ran his hands over my skin , stroking and teasing , lulling me into a dreamy , relaxed state . I closed my eyes , and sighed in bliss . I 'd never felt so deliciously passive , having surrendered control of my pleasure to Kieran . His next move jolted me back to the moment . With ruthless tugs , he pulled the cups of my bra down , baring my breasts . Being half - exposed like this seemed altogether more brazen than if he 'd removed the bra entirely , and his grin told me how much he liked the way I looked . Kieran latched his lips onto my nipple , suckling and sending jolts of sensation down to my pussy . I needed more , needed to feel his mouth between my legs , but he was setting the pace here . I knew I would get the orgasm I so badly craved , but purely on his terms . Here 's the cover for Maestro , my contribution to the Paramour collection Total - e - bound will be bringing out for next Valentine 's Day ( I know it seems like a long time away , but those big , padded cards and bunches of flowers from mystery admirers will be on their way before you know it ) . All the stories have a storyline involving older women and younger men , and Maestro is set behind the scenes in a successful London opera company . Fiery diva ? Check ! Handsome leading man ? Check ! Costume designer charged with making sure this production will go down in history ? Well , that 's where the story really starts …
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Now , I told you that last story about Quantrill 's raid in order to tell you this one ! If you haven 't read the last post , go back now and do so . This post will make a little more sense if you do . A few miles west of Lawrence there is a very quaint little village known as Stull , Kansas lying in an idyllic little valley . It is a very small town , unincorporated , consisting of just a couple of churches , a handful of homes and a few other buildings . It lies on a county road between Topeka and Lawrence . There is a cemetary on the north side of the road and the church and other buildings sit on the south side of the road . Here 's a link to a recent article regarding this cemetary and the curse surrounding it . I suggest you check it out before you go on with this post . You don 't need to read the whole article If you don 't want to , but it will provide a little bit of background for this post . But they got it wrong . I and my college friends know the true story . Through word of mouth , the legends seem to have changed a bit over time . Sometimes people see what they want to see , hear what they want to hear and remember what they want to remember . The reason that the ghosts of Quantrill and his raiders appear here , at this particular cemetary , on Halloween night is unknown . But the memory and reputation of Quantrill is strong in these parts . Who knows , maybe the legend is true . We were hell bent to discover the truth ! This is the real cemetary ! A friend of ours , also a student at KU , had been renting a house in Stull and he invited us to a Halloween party at his house . It was a sort of usual college student party with lots of beer and other various vices . ( Just to make it clear , we didn 't inhale , as far as you know . ) There was much drinking , however . Lots of loud rock and roll music as well . A couple of the ladies said they were not going up there . Our reply was , " Are you just going to sit here in the car ? Remember there is safety in numbers ! " some others were a little bit leery to go also , but the group mentality took over and we all went . It was only a few hundred feet up the hill to the cemetary . As we walked along we noticed how eerie it was . How secluded it was . If you screamed , nobody would have heard you . We were seemingly quite alone in the world . As we approached the cemetary we noticed that there were about 30 graves . All were marked with a stone of some sort . As we looked at some of the markers we noticed that many of them had dates back into the 1860 's . ( very old for Kansas ) The names didn 't mean anything to us . Some of the markers were very weathered and hard to read . A couple of them were cracked or broken . We wondered about the lives these people led when they were among the living . The grass was a bit long , but looked like the grounds had at least had some regular maintenance . Piles of leaves were scattered around the area . There were rows of bushes circling around the cemetary . There were lots of trees near the cemetary , and two very large trees on the very top of the hill in the cemetary itself . They looked like they had seen some better days as there were some broken branches . The trees had lost a lot of their leaves , but some remained on the trees . The rest of the leaves were scattered on the ground and gently blew around as the wind blew . Off into the valley there was some fields and more trees . It was a nice view from the top of the hill . But it was difficult to see too far because of the darkness of the sky . After we had explored the cemetary for awhile , we eventally all sat down on the grass beneath a tree that had some broken branches . The wind was blowing the few remaining leaves on the trees surrounding us making some nice rustling noises . The tree we sat under would creak a bit as the wind blew . We were surrounded by absolute quiet except for the sounds of our voices and the rustling of the leaves . It was almost pitch black . The full moon would try to peek out occasionally behind the clouds providing some additional light upon the area at times , but only briefly and not often . There were about 12 of us there that night . We sat fairly close together . I don 't know If we sat that way by conscious decision or not . Someone wondered what would happen If we were attacked by wolves or some other dreaded creature . We decided that if that happened , then the ones of us on the outside of our circle might be killed , but the rest of us would probably survive . Subconsciously , maybe we just felt safer being closer together . We sat huddled together , like this for awhile . We talked a bit . Laughed and joked around a bit . But as time went on we talked quieter and quieter . We began to listen to the surroundings a bit more . The rustle of the leaves . The creaking of the trees . Occasionally , one of us would try and scare one of the women . " Did you see that , Sally ? I thought I saw something over there in the bushes ! Maybe it was something evil ? " Susan was easy to pick on . But as the night wore on and the midnight hour approached , we noticed that the breeze had stopped . The air became very still . The clouds were still slowly rolling across the sky but the area around the cemetary became very quiet . Our conversations soon were in whispers . It seemed to become very eerie . It became very easy to start to imagine things . Maybe there were beasts around . Were the ghosts of Quantrill approaching ? Some of us talked quietly about what we knew about Quantrill and the raid on Lawrence in 1863 . We became mostly silent as a group and any conversations we had were brief and quiet . Nobody was laughing much anymore . Midnight was nearing . Then somebody farted ! Everybody heard it . And it wasn 't a small fart . It was a real Horatio Hornblower type of fart . Raucous laughter ensued ! We laughed and giggled for a bit . There was a brief discussion about who did it . Some of us thought it was Susan , but she denied it and even got a bit mad when we didn 't let up on her . There were a few moments of laughter after that , but they eventually came fewer and farther between . Soon it was quiet again and we felt like we were very alone at the top of that hill shrouded in darkness . Suddenly , the moon peeked out as a hole in the clouds opened up in the sky . We were suddenly bathed in a soft moonlight . It wasn 't bright , but it took us by surprise . We were able to see much better now , but it wasn 't exactly a comfort because the surroundings took on a new and somewhat scarier pall . We were very quiet again as a group now as we surveyed the surrounding area in the new light . Someone said it was just a few minutes to midnight . A moment later we heard some rustling in the grass off to the south side of the cemetary . It almost sounded like it could be the hooves of a horse . Maybe two horses . We all heard it . We all listened intently . We all wondered If Quantrill was really going to arrive . This was just for fun wasn 't it ? For most of us it was starting to not be fun anymore . The rustling continued . We couldn 't see anything that might be the cause of the noise , but it seemed to be getting closer . We were very quiet and breathing heavily . There was much tension in the air . A sense of dread . Without warning , two deer suddenly appeared running quickly along the south fence . The deer jumped the fence and ran directly toward us . Susan screamed ! Others of us gasped and ducked instinctively . The deer charged right by us , then eventually jumped the fence on the north side of the cemetary and disappeared into the trees . Nobody moved or said anything forQuantrill ? Probably not . But something lurks there ! Now rivalries can be taken to extremes sometimes , most are friendly rivalries , but KU 's rivalry with Missouri actually has some significant historical context to it . And realize it or not , that history between the 2 states played a major role in the start of the civil war back in the 1860 's . This is a photo of a painting hanging at the state capitol in Topeka . It is John Brown , a noted abolitionist , depicted as a warrior for the cause of freedom . Missouri was a " slave state " and many Missourians wanted Kansas to be a " slave state " also . Many new settlers moved into Kansas from various parts of the country during the 1850 's . In Kansas , the population was split ( pro or anti slavery ) and there was actually 2 cities vying to become the state capitol , one pro - slavery , the other anti - slavery . Lawrence , where KU is located , was an important community for so - called free - staters ( anti slavery ) . Neither the free state supporters ( Jayhawkers ) , nor the slave state supporters were innocent in all these proceedings . There were many atrocities committed by both sides . It was guerrilla warfare at its ugliest with raids in both Kansas and Missouri where cities were burned and innocent citizens slaughtered . http : / / en . wikipedia . org / wiki / Lawrence _ Massacre . Part of the time I lived in Lawrence , I lived in a house that stood when the raid by Quantrill occurred . The house was one that survived the raid . I rented it with a couple of other buddies . It was a good party house in the older section of town . We also , of course , studied on occasion . Now the sports rivalry with Missouri is generally friendly , but certain events have occurred over the years . A basketball player from Kansas reportedly stepped on a Missouri players chest during a game in the 50 's . A former male cheerleader from Kansas told me a story about being somewhat afraid for his life after a football game in the early 60 's . Kansas had beaten Missouri on Missouri 's field in a year when Missouri was nationally ranked . For their safety , Kansas female cheerleaders were sent home at halftime . The male cheerleaders and other Kansas people were escorted off the field by the football team and some police after the game while the angry crowd pelted them with garbage . I myself had some things thrown at me one year when I attended a football game at Missouri as a member of the KU pep band . Nowadays the rivalry takes on a friendy but sometimes mischevious perspective . Fraternities and other groups play pranks on each other during the week of a big game . All for fun and usually silly . But I guarantee you that Kansas people remember these historical events . And the Missouri people remember them as well . Do you think we Jayhawks will forget the historical events that led up to the creation of this rivalry ? Not that the wind comes entirely from the south , it doesn 't . But we do get a lot of wind from the south . And sometimes the winds here are pretty strong . This was the day to travel back from Topeka , where I attended a high school reunion , back to Wichita where I live . The weather forecasters were predicting a sunny day with a high temperature in the 60 's . That is a definate improvement over the temperatures I experienced last Friday . The big problem was that the wind was supposed to be from the south at 20 mph with gusts to 30 mph . Ahh , yes that warm south wind . I knew about the wind in advance , but wasn 't looking forward to it for the ride home . I wondered about how the scooter would handle all that wind when it was in my face . I was sure my trip home would be slower than the ride last Friday . The morning low on Sunday was 32 degrees . I looked out the window of the hotel and looked at Max with a little frost on his seat just as the sun was trying to come up . How about the flames on that pickup ! I had breakfast with Greg , a great friend from college who now lives in Topeka . We met at the IHOP , had a great conversation and we talked about many things as we ate . Had eggs and pancakes , coffee and orange juice . I was a bit hungry and wanted the food to last me until I got home later that day . It took me 6 and a half hours to get here , although the trip was marked by many picture stops . With the wind for today I wasn 't sure how long it would take to get home . Wasn 't planning on a lot of picture stops , but was certain that I wasn 't going to travel as fast as last Friday . As I took out , for some reason , an old Irish blessing came to mind . You know the one , it goes like this . May the Road rise to meet youMay the wind be always at your backMay the sun shine warm upon your faceAnd the rain fall softly on your fieldsAnd may God hold you in the palm of his handsThe first part of the trip was westerly . Fun it was not ! By the time I left , the temperature was a little warmer and not an issue . Or at least I didn 't think about the temperature as much . I was pretty busy keeping the scooter straight sometimes . Oh , maybe it wasn 't all that bad , but there were some moments . Like coming out into the open after passing a hedgerow and the crosswind catching me . Or going down into a valley where I would be reasonably protected from the strong winds , then coming to the crest of a hill and being pummeled by the wind as I reached the top . The wind was never at my back today ! But I was hoping that God would , well you know , do some watching over me . During the first part of the trip I thought I was doing pretty good to maintain 40 mph going west . Any faster didn 't seem too safe . Again there was almost no traffic after I got out of town and I didn 't hold up any other drivers . I made a mental note to try and stay relaxed , but sure had to remain very alert as winds would sometimes surprise me and I would find myself about a foot to the right of where I was just a second earlier . Leaning sort of helped , but not always as the winds were fairlIt did turn out to be a bit of a relief . Fighting the headwinds were much easier even though I rarely got above 50 mph . It wsn 't that the scooter couldn 't handle a higher speed , but more that I just wasn 't comfortable with it . I have driven in strong winds many times , but usually in town where most of my riding occurs . On a highway , the situation is different . I had just gotten Max back from the shop and I really didn 't want to put any new scratches on him . This shot was taken near where the road turned back to the south . It looks easterly . I think you can see the effect of the wind on the grasses . The real reason for the stop was not to take a picture . After all that coffee and orange juice earlier in the morning , well you know , I needed some relief . Another nice thing about traveling on a scooter or motorcycle . You can stop lots of places for that purpose . I knew that it was not going to be a problem . Hell , everybody was at church ! ( Not trying to be irreverent ) But an old song came to mind as I got off the scooter . Remember Jim Croce ? , a recording artist back in the 70 's . One of his most famous songs was " Time in a bottle " , a very nice love song . But another song he did was " You don 't mess around with Jim " . A few lines from the song went like this : You don 't tug on Superman 's capeYou don 't piss ( spit ) into the windYou don 't pull on the mask of the Old Lone RangerAnd you don 't mess around with JimThe second line above is a life lesson well worth remembering . And I did . So I aimed north ! Good thing ! A little while later on I passed by this old one room schoolhouse . When I made the trip up last Friday , I remembered passing by this and that I didn 't stop to take a picture . But I did stop this time . The remainder of the trip was relative uneventful , albeit a lot slower than the ride last Friday . Due to my slower speed , a few cars would pass me , but like last Friday there was not a lot of traffic . When I turned back west for the last long westerly portion of the trip , I even became a little more comfortable with the crosswPosted by Yesterday was the 15th , the day that the final extension on individual income tax returns would expire . We had been very busy at the office . It went well that last 2 weeks , but at times a bit hectic , and it was good to get away from the office and go for a ride . That perfect ride was hopefully a possibility . We had had miserable weather for the last week or so . Cloudy , cool , rainy , just plain crappy . But the long term forecast looked good for the weekend . Were the motorcycle gods smiling at me ? It was a bit colder than I would have liked . A weatherman recently put up a graph on the televsion illustrating the fact that since the first of October there had only been 3 days where the high temperature for the day exceeded the normal high for that day . In addition , there were 4 days that the high temperature didn 't even get to the normal low for the day . Now , I was prepared . I had 6 layers of clothing on , my silk glove liners and my new cold weather gloves . But it still surprises me when traveling at 65 mph or so , how the wind chill can still get to you . The temperatures were not comfortable . But it was survivable ! About 30 miles from Wichita , I took a short break to take a pic of a very normal scene around our area . A small town called Whiterwater with a ( almost required for every town ) grain elevator . It 's flat , not a lot of trees and this is a common sight around my neck of the woods . I was going to take a trip to Topeka for my high school reunion . I left Wichita at about 10 : 00 am . It was 47 degrees farenheit . I 'll let you do the math if you want to convert to Celsius . There was just a light breeze from the north . Requirement 10 for that perfect ride was met . But the wind , what there was of it , was cold . The Kansas turnpike goes directly from Wichita to Topeka , in almost a straight shot . About 135 miles that is easily done in 2 hours . But my route was much different . I wanted to see more of the Flint Hills . I didn 't want to take Max on the turnpike . He 's not exactly a high speed touring kind of machine . And I wanted to take pictures . Motorcycles and cameras are very congruent with each other . This trip was to be a riding and picture taking Extravaganza ! ! Because I didn 't take the turnpike , I had guessed that the trip might be about 160 miles or so . Turned out it was very close to 200 miles one way . No matter ! I had to travel about 50 to 60 miles before getting to the Flint Hills by the route I was taking . I started out on county roads . North for about 25 miles then straight east for about 40 miles until I actually was to be on a real highway . After going east for a bit , I came across this tank battery and oil pumpjack . I am not far from a relatively famouns oil and gas field known as the El Dorado field . Yes , we have oil in Kansas . It 's not quite like Jedd Clampitt , but this particular field was discovered around 1920 and has been producing ever since that time I pass through the little town of Cassoday and here is where I get on a regular highway . It 's Kansas route 177 . In this area it is also known and designated as a " Scenic Byway " . Now , what might be considered one person 's Scenic Byway and another person 's boredom are relative things . But as far as much of Kansas is concerned , the Flint Hills of Kansas are certainly a little different from much of the scenery in the rest of the state . Instead of farmland and grain elevators , you will see gently rolling hills , beautiful valleys , few trees , lots of grass and some cattle . The ground is not real conducive to crops . Knowing how some people like trains ( Joe and Jack ) , I stopped here to get a picture of the valley and the train tracks . Just a moment after taking a couple of shots , I was going to get back on Max and continue down the road . But then this train sped by . Took another couple of pictures , just for fun . Another shot of the train passing by . The train was traveling at a pretty good clip . The flowers looked a bit brown . I suspect that there was an early season freeze in this area . I was able to travel almost at will . Stop when I felt like it . Go as fast or slow as I wanted to . There was almost no traffic . I clipped along at 60 - 65 mph much of the way along here . The posted speed limit was 60 with a few 40 mph curves here and there . Isn 't it great that on a motorcycle , that 40 mph curve speed limit can be maybe not be ignored , but certainly stretched a bit . Taking a 40 mph curve at an actual speed of 40 mph almost seems agonizingly slow sometimes . Maybe unless you are Jack Riepe leaning into a curve while riding his Suburban . He once told me he has done that before . Did I say it was cold ? You bet your ass it was cold ! I really was prepared for it , but the wind chill got to me a couple of times and I shivered a bit along this part of the trip . Funny thing though , was that by stopping to take pictures , the sun would beat down on me a bit and warm me back up . I stopped regularly for both reasons . One to get warmed up , and two to take more pictures . A few cattlle up on a hill . I am not sure I would call this a real " twisty " but at least the road wasn 't straight . So many of the roads in Kansas are built on Section lines . K - 177 is not . I was hoping to get pictures of the change in colors in trees . The colors had started to change , but not quite as much as I had hoped . But there were a few places where you could get some color . Then I arrived at a town called Cottonwood Falls . There are some actual falls on the Cottonwood River that flows through here . Not big ones I am sure . But this town has an absolutely fabulous old courthouse . Maybe the prettiest in the state . I have a client , an attorney , that is a photographer . He has made it a point to get photographs of all the county courthouses in the state . There are 105 counties in Kansas . I am not sure if he has actually photographed them all , but has done a bunch of them . Some are beautiful , some more ordinary . This one is not ordinary ! And from the downtown area . Not a big town . Population in Chase county in its entirety is not big either . But it is beautiful and a bit unusual , I think . Here 's the view from the front of the house . The area near here has been designated as a nature preserve . This house has become an entrance and focal point for the preserve . There is a little parking lot near the house . Signs for RV and bus parking . Couldn 't find a sign for motorcycle or scooter parking so did the next best thing . I think I get better gas mileage than that Toyota Prius parked next to me . Speaking of gas mileage . Sometimes I worry needlessly . I regularly get 75 mpg in town . I knew I would not probably get that much on the highway at faster speeds , but have never tracked it . My tank holds just shy of 2 gallons , so theoretically I can go 125 - 140 miles or so on a tank of gas . Maybe 100 - 110 miles at highway speed usage . Some of the area I traveled through had only very small towns , some without gas stations . I googled the area to see where gas stations were and where I could stop if needed . Turns out it wasn 't an issue , there were many gas stations I could use , but I worried about it a bit nonetheless . Up the road a little further I arrived at the town of Council Grove . The name of the town is due to the fact there were apparently some negotiations with area Indian tribes at some time in the past . General Custer even spent some time here before Sitting Bull later got to him . Irondad had recently posted a picture of a tank on his blog . As I rolled through town I saw this one and determined that I could get a picture of a tank also . People in small towns can be very patriotic . There is an interesting little story about a former sheriff of Morris county . It seems that he and his wife had once made a video tape of themselves . This was back in the 1980 's when VCR 's were all the rage . It was one of those tapes that should not be copied . Meant for private use . It bacame very public . Catch my drift ? But someone got access to it and copied it . Numerous times . The copy I saw was very distorted after having been copied so many times . Of course it was a tape of them having carnal relations . He wasn 't sheriff soon after that . I continue north from Council Grove , but soon turn back to the east . There is a town called Alta Vista just after the turn . I had never been there before . Why not stop ! I didn 't have to be anywhere at any time soon . It 's wonderful to stop when you want to and see something you haven 't seen before . I thought it might be just a quick spin through the town . Thought it might be just like any other small town , with nothing real unique . But I was wrong again ! I quickly came across the " Ag Heritage Park " A museum of sorts for old farm equipment of all things . Now I must say that used and even ancient farm equipment might be just considered " junk " . But in a way , this was at least a bit interesting , definately unusual . Here is Max with some sort of old steam powered farm implement . My how technology changes . Now I am on K - 4 approaching the small town of Eskridge . My wife 's great grandparents actually homesteaded on some ground near this town . They did not survive the Great Depression of the 1930 's . The farm apparently went back to the bank . Many years ago we attempted to take a drive and find the old farmstead . Not sure if we actually found it , but we knew we were close . There were many Swedish immigrants in this area . In Eskridge , I found this old small church that now is a community center . There is a little park not far away with a gazebo . What is it about gazebos and small towns ? This one seems to serve as a bandstand . There are picnic tables and benches all over the park . I imagined a band concert on a Sunday night with most of the residents of the community in attendance . Ahhh . . . . Life in a small town . A view in the downtown area . Across the road was an interesting house . I had stopped for just a moment when I heard barking . I thought to myself , Oh Crap ! Am I going to have to fight off a dog protecting its territory ? But turned out that he ( she ) was a very sweet sort of typical farm dog ( maybe a Lab ) . Came up very sweetly and let me pet her ( him ) . We talked for a bit . She ( he ) was very interested in the scooter , and then got a very confused look on her ( his ) face when I put my helmet back on . Said goodbye and rode off and I could see him ( her ) lazily wandering back to the house . An unexpected , but very sweet moment on the trip . I arrived in Topeka about 4 : 30 in the afternoon . As the sun was getting lower in the sky , the chill was back in the air again . Did I say it was Cold ? Made it to the football game just in time to see the pre - game ceremonies put on by the band . I was in the band in high school as well , but we were not very accomplished marchers . We sort of marched onto the field , played a couple of songs and then marched back off . The band now is very accomplished having actually been invited a few years ago to one of the January first bowl game parades . Way better than our band in my days was . Also way better than the current football team . The organizers of our reunion rented out one of the hospitality rooms in the pressbox area for us to watch the game and relive old times . We were so busy catching up with each other that we didn 't watch the game much . We were playing Emporia High school . Not that we missed much . We were the home team . Maybe not the " Perfect Ride " according to my criteria , but it was damn close . More to come ! Posted by I am so glad to have him back . Even though it was only a week getting repaired , Max is everything I remembered about him . He even came back with some new farkle ! Lloyd , my good friend and scooter doctor extraordinaire installed some little flashing lights on the end of the handlebar . They are nice and funky . Just for fun ! I suppose If driving at night , I may be a little more visible to other drivers . But just a little , as they are not exceedingly bright , at least not to the degree of the famous K Beemer that we all have heard about that lights up the night sky in the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania . After the replacement of the body parts , he sure looks great ! Lloyd , as is his usual practice , washed him up as well and Max literally shined . It took a little longer than expected for the repairs because one replacement part that came in was scratched a bit and once Lloyd got into the handlebar to check on the turn signal issues , another part , a turn signal relay , needed to be ordered . But he is back now , and looking great . Just in time too because Max and I are planning a little trip up to Topeka later this month so I can attend a high school reunion ( 35 years ) . It will be my first trip of any great length for me . The interstate takes a pretty straight shot from here to Topeka totalling about 135 miles . But I intend to take some county and state roads to provide a better opportunity for picture taking . The scenery should be fantastic for the trip . I am not sure at what stage the trees will be in their annual change to winter mode , but an area I will travel through is known as the Flint Hills , and they can be very beautiful . The Flint Hills run generally along a ridge from north to south in the east central and southern part of Kansas and consist of gentle rolling hills , but primarily grassland with few trees . The northeast part of the state where Topeka lies is much different than the Wichita area geographically because there are many more hills and trees . I am also planning a little day trip to a small town just east of Topeka to take some pictures for an upcoming Halloween post . I have already written the post , but badly need some pictures for it . Stay tuned . Name Tag from previous reunion . Topeka West High School . Go Chargers ! ! They say you can 't go home again . A comedian I admire said once about high school reunions that people are the same and don 't change a whole lot except for the fact that many of them are a lot bigger in stature than they were as teenagers . At the 30 year reunion I was about 65 lbs over my pole vaulting weight in high school . Many classmates noticed and I took a bit of ribbing for it . But for this reunion I should be only up only about 30 lbs . One thing is for sure ! Most of the guys have a lot shorter hair than we did in 1974 . 30 + years of sitting at a computer and doing taxes can certainly have an effect on people . Current reunion plans are for a homecoming football game Friday night and a mixer on Saturday night . It will be a chance to relive some old memories of a place I lived from age 9 to 17 . Many of the memories of living and growing up in Topeka are good ones . Other memories , maybe not so much . It will be good to see some old friends and relive some old times . I 'm a lifelong Kansan . I 'm married to a wonderful woman and have 2 fantastic children . I love riding my motor scooter and that is the reason I started blogging . In 2011 I had a heart attack and 2 cardiac arrests . Since then my outlook on life has changed significantly . But rather than be depressed and scared for my continued health , I have come to really understand how precious and wonderful life is . How a person dies is not near as important as how a person decides to live .
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Thank you ladies for making me feel so loved in my last post . I swear I wasn 't trying to throw a pity party , but rather to say that I don 't blog just for comments . They are a very nice added bonus to blogging , but they aren 't the primary reason I do it . I just needed to remind myself why I 'm here , so I did . It sounds to me that not only are most of us behind on blogs , but that a lot of us have experienced low comment levels lately . Fran brought up a great point when she reminded me it is sill summer in the Northern Hemisphere , so a lot of us are away from our computers a lot . I think all of us go through phases too , where we are constantly on the blogs and then when we 're burned out . The bottom line is we are all always here for each other when we can be and that is all that matters . I was going to do a post tonight about a belated case of the Mondays , but my To Do list wasn 't cute or quarky because I haven 't had much on my mind other than being in the TWW . During the only meeting I have had so far this week I mapped out when AF is due to help me determine the earliest date I could take a pregnancy test , which is next Tuesday or Wednesday . AF is due on Wednesday , but if my last pregnancy is any indication , I wouldn 't get a positive until a couple days after AF is due . Of course , all babies are different and this one could kick out the hormones faster than the Munchkin did . I guess we 'll see . I don 't know if I told you all , but I started talking to my BIL ( aka MIL ) again recently . If you missed that lovely post , you can read about it here , but you really don 't have to . She is always true to form and a complete B to the last drop . Anyway , she read my blog post on the primary blog where I asked if anyone knew why I would ovulate early , so she decided to send me an email . Keep in mind , I am only 31 . She told me that a shortened cycle was due to lack of estrogen , and that estrogen depletes as we get older and near menopause . She also told me that getting nooky helps to increase estrogen levels and then went into way tooPosted by Am I a boring blogger lately ? I can 't help but notice I get traffic to the blog , but no one leaves comments anymore . I have to be honest and say it makes me a bit sad . I mentioned it to my friend J last week and said maybe it is time to shut this blog down . Then I got to thinking about it , and my next statement to her was that this blog isn 't about getting comments . Its about me being able to write out my thoughts and feelings that I don 't feel I can express on my primary blog . Admittedly , I do post things on this blog that I would post on the primary one , I just feel like I need to do fun things on this one every now and then too . So whether or not this blog gets 5 hits or 50 million hits a day , no comments or a hundred comments , it is going to stay because I need this blog to help me heal . Now that all of that is out of the way , I wanted to let you all know that I am officially in my first TWW for the first time in over two years . I am really excited and I feel really good about things . I feel positive , and am praying that my positivity is because my intuition is right . I won 't know until the end of the week at the earliest . I just hope and pray there is a little embie making its way down the fallopian tube right now . Things on the antidepressant front are going well too . I moved my dose back up to 30mg a week and a half ago and have leveled off nicely . I am back to where I was on the 40mg dose . I am every bit as happy and content with no mood swings , depression , or other weirdness . I do get a little dizzy from time to time , which is normal and is about the only symptom I have had since I boosted the dose back up . I will try stepping down to 20 this week and see how things go . I am sure I will have to re - equilibriate on that dose , but I know now what to expect and about how long it should last . I am confident that I will be able to be off the meds within the next 6 or so weeks . Well , its late and I am really sleepy , so I 'm off to bed . Night ya 'll ! I wasn 't sure if it was okay for me to be posting about my relationships before my husband on my blog , so I asked my best friend J . She said it was cool to post my funny stories on this blog , seeing as it 's anonymous , but not on my primary one . I have been waffling for some time about doing it , and have been wanting to , so I will . Just don 't tell DH . ; ) I believe that every woman 's past makes her who she is . Her past relationships are sometimes her dark , hidden secrets that make her smile oh so mysterious and are rarely talked about . They are what is behind the curtain . Sometimes those stories are just too rich to not share . One day I will share all of my stories with my daughter when she grows up so that she can know her mother really did live before she met her father , got married , and started her family . I like to think that my past might one day help my daughter make good decisions because she knows her mother has been there and done that and can give her wise advice . I will also delight in seeing the smile on her face when I tell her about some of the cutest stories , or laugh when I tell her about some of the dumber guys . It was through dating that I was able to weed out the qualities I didn 't want in a husband and find the man I did want to unquestionably spend the rest of my life with . Each and every guy who came and went through my life was an integral part of who I am today and the relationship I have with my husband . I often think back over those relationships and laugh at the silliness , the stupidity , and definitely the drama . I wanted to tell you one story in particular , but it is already 11 : 30 here and I should be in bed . Not only that , but the story would make this post way too long . So instead , I will tell you about my all - time favorite kiss . No , it wasn 't with my husband , although he has had some chart toppers . Again , don 't tell him ! A couple months before I met my husband , I was dating a guy we 'll call James . I had met him at church and was instantly attracted to him . He was built like a big farm boyPosted by I have been a major blog slacker lately and I have no excuse other than that it is summer and a zillion degrees here , which turns my brain to mush . I signed up for ICLW thinking , " Surely I can comment on six blogs a day . " I hate myself right now . I can 't even keep up with the blogs I follow . What was I thinking ? I am , however , able to at least comment back on bloggers who stop by . I will make a huge attempt to read up this weekend . Have any of you in the US heard of a site called Gro . upon ? My husband joined this site last year because they have daily deals for attractions around your area . For example , there was a dinner theater here that was selling tickets to a show for 60 % off the original cost . You could only get the deal by buying the Gro . upon through the website . Each deal usually lasts only a day . Sometimes stipulations are placed on the deal , such as at least 30 people have to buy in or the deal is off . My husband bought my laser hair removal through one of these babies ( which , by the way is going awesome ; I know I 'm weird because the laser doesn 't hurt , it tickles - - at the highest setting ) . While we were at work today , DH sent me a link to the deal of the day , which happened to be a class on speed reading . At first I thought it was stupid and wondered if he was serious . Then I looked into the website for the company offering the class and realized I could use speed reading to get through my blogs in half the time it normally takes me , which means I could keep up , which means I could quit feeling guilty when I can 't keep up , which means I won 't avoid the blogs because I know I am so far behind I will never catch up . Whoa ! Sign me up baby ! See that , I 'm always thinking about my blogs . lolI 'm hoping he bought the deal . I can 't tell you how appealing it sounds to me , not only for blogging purposes , but because I want a Kin . dle for Christmas . Do you know how many books I could read ? ! The company also guarantees that you don 't lose comprehension by speed reading , it just helps you read faster so you can read morePosted by Hello to all of you who are visiting for ICLW , and for those of you who are returning visitors . I thought instead of giving you a blah , blah , blah post for this ICLW , I would give you a Q & A session to give you a little insight into who I am and why I 'm here . Q : How did your blog get started , and what is it about ? A : This blog is actually my secondary and anonymous blog . It was started just one year ago when I was dealing with some serious post partum depression after my daughter was born . I felt like I had been given a double wammy in that I had gone through two years of infertility just to become a mother , and then when I finally achieved the dream , I got hit with PPD and wasn 't able to enjoy being a mother the way I wanted and needed to . My first blog was so therapeutic while I was fighting the IF battle that I decided I needed an anonymous blog to help me through PPD because I didn 't want everyone IRL to know I was going through this and on medication . This blog gives me complete and total freedom to write whatever I want without the fear of someone IRL coming across it . Sometimes we just need to vent about people or circumstances in our lives to help us deal with those situations , but that doesn 't mean we need our friends and family knowing about it ( or reading what we say about them ) . Q : What do you blog about most ? A : I mostly blog about every day life . I don 't write very much here about my battles with infertility ( I am still fighting it while trying to conceive again ) or even being a mother . This blog is more about my random thoughts and feelings . Sometimes it is funny ( or so I think ) , sometimes it is serious , and sometimes it is thoughtful . There are no holes barred when it comes to this blog and my subject matter . Q : What do you like about blogging ? A : I love that I get to meet and support so many other women who know exactly the pain and trauma I have been through , both with my battles through infertility , and my battle with depression . It is nice to know that am I not alone in my struggles , but I also apprecPosted by Just over two weeks ago I started coming off my antidepressants . My doctor wanted to take it slow getting me off them , so we had a plan to half the dose every two weeks over the next six weeks . I didn 't realize until yesterday that even halving the dose was too much too fast . The last week or so I have had a really hard time being at work . I didn 't know why . I like my job . I like what I do . I like the people I work with . But I just plain didn 't want to be there so bad it was downright depressing . On top of that , I was unbelievably exhausted . I couldn 't focus . I couldn 't remember what day of the week it was ( still can 't ) . All I wanted to do was sleep . I was so blue , and for no good reason . When I went out to lunch with my two best friends , I had nothing to say . I just sat there , and for once , couldn 't hold up my end of the conversation . It was very out of character for me . Yesterday at work , I was tired of being so down and not knowing why . Then I had an epiphany . I IMed my best friend J , who is also on anti - deps , and asked her if she thought my blues were a side effect of coming off the meds . Her instant reply was , " Yes . " So I turned to Dr . Google . As I read up , I realized I had been having major withdrawals from the meds and didn 't even know it . It sure explained a LOT about my behavior the last two weeks . I blew up at my husband twice over the weekend with little to no provocation on his part , and I was so angry I was seething inside . I don 't remember the last time I was that mad , let alone over nothing . On Monday I was full on screaming at other drivers on my way into work . I got there and thought how very unlike me that was . But during none of those outbreaks did I piece together it had anything to do with withdrawals . I 've never been on meds this long before , and certainly never long enough to have withdrawals from them . I honestly thought I would half my dose every other week for six weeks and wouldn 't notice . HA ! After I googled to find out what the symptoms were , I IMed my husband and told him what I had founPosted by A while back , my dear blog friend Anxious Mummy presented me with the Versatile Blogger Award . To show my appreciation , I will answer the call . 1 . Thank the person who gave you the award . 2 . Tell 7 things about yourself that readers may not know . 3 . Pay it forward by nominating 8 bloggers you 've recently discovered . Seven things about me you don 't already know huh ? This should be fun . I don 't think I am transitioning well to going off the meds . I have been very lethargic , have a major case of apathy regarding most things , and have been generally cranky , but mostly while at work . Now that I think about it , the lack of meds may have nothing to do with any of those symptoms at all , since they only seem to be present while at work . Hmmmm . . . . Since I can no longer spend money willy nilly , due to finally combining finances with my husband in an attempt to rid ourselves of debt , I have replaced my need to spend with a need to clean . Instead of getting a high off of buying something , I now get a high off of cleaning a space or decluttering . My house has never been so constantly clean , and DH likes the decluttering . Despite my newly found lethargy and apathy , I am extremely excited to start BDing with a cause in the next couple of days . It has been so long since we were able to do that , and I am really looking forward to it . I feel as though a gate has been opened , and my horse has been cleared to race after a long stint in the stall due to injuries . I hate Texas summers with a passion . I was totally over this summer the day summer left last year . I have honestly been dreading this summer since last October when things finally cooled down , and enjoyed each and every day where the thermometer didn 't get over 85 between then and May of this year . These 100 degree temps have my permission to make a very early exit . Infertility never affected anyone close to me until I moved to Texas . Now I have two friends , one of them a best friend , who are fighting the good fight . I like plants . I can 't always keep them alive , but I love having tPosted by You know how I recently upsized my purse and am now ready to upsize my car too ? Well after just a few hours of searching online and car shopping over one weekend , I have decided this is the car I will get . This , my friends , is a Ch . evy Trav . erse . It has all of the amenities of a minivan , but it doesn 't look like a minivan . The only other thing it doesn 't have in common with a minivan is a ton of space , but I am willing to give up a bit of space for a car that doesn 't automatically stereotype me as a woman driver in a minivan ( e . g . , stupid , unable to drive and think that the same time ) . This is exactly the color I want too . It can come with all the amenities such as a DVD entertainment system for the kiddies and climate controls in the back seat , which is a huge selling point for me . I want one RIGHT NOW , but not only do I not need it right now , Hubs and I are very diligently paying off our credit cards and heading toward getting out of debt in the next few months . Once the cards are gone and there is a bun in the oven , this baby will be mine . I salivate and dream about it daily . Just a side note , I am behind on commenting and reading , again , but will be catching up this weekend . : ) No , I 'm not talking about my waistline , although with my impending AF visit this weekend , my waistline has felt the need to upsize , much to my extreme dismay and upset . What I 'm really talking about my preparations for a bigger family . Over the past weekend I took the Munchkin to get some new sandals . We still have about a billion more days left of summer here in Texas , and she just outgrew her two existing pairs . Believe it or not , even though summer is ENDLESS in Texas , people quit carrying sandals already . This didn 't bother me one bit though because I knew exactly where to find some , and I knew they would be on sale . I was right . Not only were they on sale , they were buy one get one half off , which meant I basically got the Munchkin a free pair of sandals when I also decided to buy myself a new , larger ( e . g . , mom ) purse . I didn 't used to be a purse gal . In fact , when I met my husband I kept my keys , wallet , and chapstick in my pocket . He somehow convinced me that keeping all of those things in my pockets wasn 't " hot " , so I finally broke down and bought a purse . I 've had them ever since . The caveat there is that I refused to carry anything bigger than a small purse . As in , just big enough to carry my phone , wallet , keys , a tube of chapstick , and a pack of tissues . However , I recently came to the conclusion that I should carry a bigger purse if for no other reason than that I could carry snacks for my daughter in it to help prevent hunger meltdowns . So while I was buying toddler sandals , I bought the next purse size up from my current model . It still isn 't a large purse , but it is a medium sized one . When I got home , it was sickening how much I enjoyed all of the space and compartments it had . I can fit a diaper , a pack of wipes , 3 disposable bibs , and a bunch of disposable color - on placements for the Munchkin in one pocket ! Not only that , but its a side pocket ! My husband laughed as I happily stuffed things in there that I had never been able to fit in my old purse . I was so excited as I shoved a baggie of cerealPosted by To Do : This Monday was an extra special one . It started out like any other over the past week with my being awoken by Cak . e 's Typew . riter ( which , by the way , I 'm not sold on being woken up to ) . But the difference today was I got to dawn blue jeans and a comfy , casual - ish shirt . I had to be out of the house by 7 : 40 because I wasn 't heading to work , I was heading to jury duty . Oh yeah , good old jury duty . Guess what ? I 'd rather have my foot stuck in a bear trap than go to jury duty . Okay , maybe not , but I really didn 't want to go . At all . Some people were envious I had been called , others thought it would be fun , and some were of the same opinion I was , Ugh . I 'm all for juries , as long as I 'm not on them . I think they 're important , so they should want people to be on them who are willing to be on them and who aren 't just there out of civil duty or the fear of being tossed in jail for being held contempt if they don 't show up . I showed up on time , barely , thanks to traffic coming to a complete halt several times on the freeway despite the fact I was going the opposite direction of commuting traffic ( which did not help my mood [ did I mention I 'm PMSing today ? ] ) . I walked up the marble staircase to the jury room and feasted my eyes upon hundreds ( yes 300 of us ) of other lucky juror candidates . I checked in , made my way to an empty seat , and waited . Over the next two hours they read over reasons we might be exempted from serving today , and then told us they only needed 72 people . They began calling out the names of the first 20 . I laughed to myself as I thought , " I won 't be picked simply because they won 't be able to say my last name . " Just as they were getting ready to call the remaining 52 , they told us the case had been cancelled and we could all go . HURRAH ! ! ! At 10 : 00 on a Monday morning , I was free ! I had absolutely ZERO intention of going into work . I called DH to tell him I had been dismissed and asked if I should go to work . He said he would . Yeah right , who doesn 't use a Get Out Of Jail Free pass when they have onePosted by I went to the doctor this week about getting off my meds , and it is going to take 6 weeks to be med free . My doctor felt that because of the dosage I was on and for the length of time I was on them , it would be best to slowly wean me off them , which is just fine with me . I was kind of surprised , as I thought he would have me done in a couple of weeks , but I totally trust his recommendation . I have been on half my normal dose for a couple of days now and haven 't noticed even the slightest difference , which is great news . I just hope it continues to go this smoothly . Honestly , I think it will . I went my whole life without being on antidepressants , and the only reason I went on them a year ago is because I was having a hard time with Post Partum Depression . As for life lately , well it has just been plain busy . I am definitely not on the blogs as much anymore , but I do catch up whenever I get the chance . I have taken the pressure off of myself to read each and every single update on both of my blogs , as well as my need to post frequently . If I don 't feel like getting on to post or read one day , I don 't . It has been so nice to allow myself to enjoy life without adding stress of keeping up on 85 + blogs and posting on 2 . And honestly , I don 't think anyone really notices all that much . They might think , " Hey , she hasn 't commented on my blog for a few days , " but I doubt any of you get upset about it . I know I don 't when it goes the other way . I just figure you are living life , and you 'll catch up when you have time . I do still have nights where I tell my husband I want to blog after we put the baby to bed , and he is okay with that as long as he gets the majority of my nights all to himself . Not much has been going on lately . I 'm just waiting for AF to rear next week , and then its full tilt to baby production for the first time in over 2 years . I am excited and hopeful to be back in the game . I 've been gearing up and lining out battle plans . DH is aware of his responsibilities in this task . I told him just when and how many Posted by To Do : I woke up this morning to a new CD . My daughter had taken my Frank Sinatra CD out and run around the house with it . Rather than try to find it , I put in the sound track to Or . ange Cou . nty . I was a little perplexed when Ca . ke 's Ty . pewriter started playing to greet me to another Monday morning . What had I done to deserve yet another weekend disappearing into oblivion all too soon ? You know the drill . I got out of bed , got ready for work , and all that jazz , but today was a little different . You see , Hubs and I had a semi - argument this weekend about whose fault it was we had been getting out of the house between 7 : 45 - 7 : 50 during the week , so today neither of us wanted it to be our fault if we weren 't all out the door by 7 : 30 . The stink actually got up 20 minutes early just to try to beat me ! And then he didn 't do the Munchkin 's hair in anyway that would keep it out of her face for more than 5 minutes . I made him wait until I could pull it back into some braids before he whisked her off to daycare . I got into work feeling pretty good for a Monday . Made myself a blueberry English muffin with butter , but before I even had the chance to sign into IM , I got a meeting request to remind me today was the Q2 Quarterly review . Dag nabit ! Can 't a girl take a second to gear up for her Monday before being thrown into meetings ? ! The review was a joke , and I had to try not to scoff through half of it . Morale at my company is pretty low , what with their recent downsizing of not only our shoe boxes , er cubicles , as well as staff . Then the VP talked about how proud he was of Gary 's team for launching their product on time . * SCOFF * * SNIGGER * * Try not to choke on your own spit please * Gary may have released on time , but let 's just say things have not gone swimmingly since he did because he rushed the project rather than taking the time to do things right . Way to go Gary . Pat yourself on the back . . . with a mace . . . . By the time that painful meeting got over , it was time for the meeting with Gary 's team . The one in which I doodle the lovPosted by After years of infertility and finally bringing a baby into this world , I battled with PDD and the trauma left over from IF . As my husband and I venture into trying for another baby , I have discovered that some scars never go away . This blog chronicles my journey through recovery and to being the person I want to be .
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I have not gotten into the beach scene . I have not indulged in the weekend brunch culture . I don 't care about the clubs or the shopping . So what will I miss ? Where else in the world would I have gotten the chance to meet my Ugandan & Nepalese worker friends , my Pakistani & Bangladeshi taxi drivers , my shoeman from Karachi , my dear colleagues from Sri Lanka , Syria , Saudi Arabia , Lebanon and beyond , the Indian office " boys " , the Yemeni carpet salesman , a young goatherder working in Oman , my Iraqi doctor . Everyone has a story , everyone appreciates a smile . Everyone likes to talk about their home and their families ( me too ) . We took a tally and realized that I have visited 13 new countries since moving to Dubai , including the UAE ( 10 for James , he 'd been to a few of the countries before ) . Dubai is such a travel hub , and a commonly cited statistic is that two - thirds of the world 's population lives within an 8 hour flight of here . We have taken full advantage . I 'll miss this aspect of our lives here , all of the places to see ( though we merely shift our hub now to London and all of the places to see from there ) and the convenience of having lived ~ 20 minutes from the airport ( this will really be missed when we 're on the long Tube ride out to Heathrow ) Let it be known , once and for all , that the things you may have heard about Dubai are only a small piece of the truth and that there is so much more to this place . It 's not just rich opulence and shopping and buildings . You don 't have to wear a hijab if you don 't want to . You can find a place to have a drink . Women can get around safely on our own . There is nature , there is culture . There is fun , there is beauty . So onward in the next step of this nomadic journey that I have somehow carved out in my adulthood , spending 3 - 5 years in new cities along the way . It 's a good way to do it , because it gives me enough time to truly embed in a place and learn its rhythms . I moved to Dubai on my own to join James , and we leave together as husband & wife , looking forward to the future , eager for it all and wistful for the beautiful memories forged here . I will never forget these experiences , and I feel truly fortunate to have had a chance to live and work here . On one morning run , a yellow Ferrari raced by and then stopped in a pull - out on the road ahead of me . The young guy leaped out of the car and asked me to take his photo . " Oh , with the Burj Khalifa ? " I asked . " No , with my car ! " A good month , with lots of basic days of run - work - dinner - sleep , lots of dull back - office logistics going on and lots of ramping up daydreams for 2014 . After the festivities of New Year 's Eve , we were right back to work on January 2 , though it was already a Thursday so we only had to dip a toe back into the work - mode before having another weekend off . Not so bad to get back to work after a very relaxing holiday ; if anything , I quite enjoy having the activity and challenges of new projects , and I dove right into some right off the bat , instantly busy . At work , Muthu , the man who cleans our coffee cups for us , wandering with a tray and picking up used mugs from desks to take them to the pantry to scrub and then return to their rightful owners , left to go home to India . Even my colleague in Argentina was wistful about his departure , as he always made the afternoon rounds right during our weekly Skype meeting , letting her witness the ritual and wave at him . The office took up a collection and he received a nice farewell envelope . And now there 's a new pair of cheery coffee mug cleaners . From our glorious stack of books from Santa , I picked the Salman Rushdie memoir to read first , and could NOT put it down . It was SO good . A million amazing details and observations . When James flew to Jordan for a work trip , I moved the cozy lamp from my desk to the table next to our window seats , and spent entire evenings reading that book by the lamplight with my glass of wine . There have been rainy days here , like never before in our years in Dubai . Overcast skies , drizzles . Yet I still don 't even think about taking a coat or umbrella out with me . Midway through the month , I noticed a sign ( below ) in the building bulletin board , saying that our PO Box number was going to be discontinued in the first week of February . Which is kind of major , because there are no street addresses here and it 's only the PO Box that ensures mail gets to us . So to give us ~ 2 weeks ' notice on this major change was a total pain in the butt as we made an inventory of all of the change of address requests we were going to have to make . So many questions : What if there was already mail en route to PO Box 126230 , would it be delivered to us after Feb 5 ? How do we register for the " My Building Service " that they mention ? Why had this so suddenly been announced , without fanfare ? I asked our front desk guys what it meant and what to do , no help . We tried to register online , error messages . We left requests for help with the post office , answered vaguely . We asked our neighbours how they were coping , they all used their office PO Boxes , so it didn 't matter to them . We looked for a way to ask the building council , no contact info available . We set out for the Central Post Office one weekend afternoon , equipped with tenancy contracts , passport photos , etc etc , only to get stuck in a traffic jam and give up before getting there . We left a request for help with the developer . . . and a few days later , James got a personal phone call from the post office that clearly explained the deal . ( I have a hunch that the developer nudged the post office to get in touch ) Here 's the deal - yes the new system doesn 't go online until the end of February . But the PO Box is indeed being demised in early Feb . But that 's okay , because we 'll still get mail addressed to us , it will just be up to the front desk guys to put it in our mailboxes . So essentially , the same as it always was . Yeah , crazy . We have lived in Dubai through the Arab Spring and continuing turmoil in various countries in the region , but in the cocoon of Dubai , it can still feel like we 're far removed from what is happening ; it can still seem like something that is just part of the news , with imagery that is sad yet so far removed from our experience of the Middle East ( luckily ) . We have enjoyed two fantastic trips to Beirut , which left an impression of a vibrant , creative , energetic city . On both visits , we signed up for a walking tour led by a very personable & charismatic guy , around our age , who peppered the walk with stories of the small details of the city , the resilience of the people , and the reasons for certain local customs . It was a highlight of our time there , and illuminated the city so nicely . After the first visit , we walked to the Virgin Megastore that dominates the Martyrs ' Square area and , on the tour guide 's recommendation , bought a thick book about the city . All of which I bring up because there was a bombing in Beirut on December 27 that killed a prominent politician who was viewed by many as being progressive and thoughtful , a voice of reason and positive change . When I went to check out the tour guide 's website , just to see if he was still running the tours at this more turbulent time , I found out that this prominent politician was his father . The tours have ended This was funny , below : I had seen photos of the giant yellow duck in Hong Kong Harbour , on the Thames , and so on , and was ready to head down to the Creek to see the real deal when word spread on Twitter that the duck had appeared here . Except that it was an imposter , not by the same artist . Oh well , still a big cheerful yellow duck . We saw a ton of great movies at the Film Festival . I recognized some folks from Vancouver thanks to the man 's Olympics backpack . There was the excellent long walk in Deira , with the instant camera . And little bit of rain brought out a nice rainbow in the sky . My Iraqi doctor whose son lives in Hamilton , Ontario ( just moved for school , it 's his first year there ) , was pleased as punch to show me photos of the son 's car buried in snow . We enjoyed another meal at the Armenian restaurant , our favourite new local eatery of the year . We postponed our weekend in Mumbai because we were under the weather , and instead spent the weekend relaxing and cooked a hachi parmentier together . The remainder of the holiday was spent with lots of rest & relaxation . Long walks . Runs in the cool morning air . Jigsaw puzzles and cups of tea . Cheezy movies and good movies . Pick - up sticks . New Year 's Eve Day , more of the same except that we stayed up late after cooking a nice dinner so that we could watch the midnight fireworks . Amazing . James had a work event this month where they did a really interesting icebreaker , wherein people had to name three things about themselves , and many folks used it as a chance to show some interesting elements of their background or non - work lives that folks might not otherwise know , e . g . , James said he is a big baseball fan . It 's a fun thing to consider , what your own three things would be . I 'm not totally sure how I would narrow things down , but I like it as a theme for this post - a bunch of random experiences and stories from the month . Like , we tried Armenian food this month . Had you asked me about this cuisine before , I wouldn 't have known what to describe - would it be Russian - style ? Turkish ? And it ended up being a lot like Lebanese but with its own distinctive elements . Like hummus with shredded smoked sausage . Or these bite - sized crisp pastry dumplings filled with meat that arrived in a pan that was then filled with tomato sauce and a layer of yogurt . Or the classic kebab with a thick sauce of sour cherries . I had to apply for an Indian visa for our upcoming Mumbai weekend and it was my second time there after our Delhi trip and related visa last year , so I knew the drill . Like , where the fill - in form asks for name and surname , you have to put your first AND middle name in the first slot , something I learned after not doing so last year and they made me come back the next day with the corrected form . This time , my form was all set . Photos , money , hotel confirmation , all ready to submit . I had also given myself a few weeks , so it was just a matter of sitting and waiting for my number to be called . And this took a while because there were a bunch of folks ahead of me who were going through various ordeals , complaining about how India is the only country that makes them get a visa ( we Westerners are SO lucky , I have some South African and Lebanese friends who stress until the day of their departure while they wait for consulates to approve their visa requests ) . Many folks were outright trying to offer bribes to expedite things , " so is there ANYTHING I can do to get it sooner ? it will take how long ? one week ? I need it in two days , how can you help me with that ? is there ANYTHING I can do to get it faster ? " I had a driver wearing his Muslim cap and he told me he was from Tunisia , which was the first time I 'd met a cabbie from there . " Ah tu parles le Francais ? " I asked . " Mais oui ! " he replied . A taxi raced through the tunnel to take the short - cut bypassing the mall traffic and hit an unexpected road closure right near our complex . There was a pipe being fixed so no cars could pass through . " Might be better to walk , " said the taxi driver , and I hopped out from there , our favourite short - cut closed for the month . Another night I found out why I sometimes experience this phenomenon where taxis with their lights on , i . e . , free to pick up passengers , blaze right by my extended hand as I stand outside the office . When there are big conventions at the World Trade Centre , a cabbie showed me that he has to get three stamps on a paper per shift for picking up three different convention passengers . If they don 't get their three stamps , they get a hefty fine of several hundreds of dollars . It 's the taxi commission 's way of making sure tens of thousands of people aren 't left stranded , but also means you get guys desperate to get their last stamps at the end of their shift . It has been gorgeous weather for running and walking outside . I did the Donut Run . We had our beautiful hike in Dibba . Such a lovely time of the year . There were even some rainstorms and lightning & thunder . We woke one night as a storm passed right overhead , flashing and booming , and flooding the streets . Meanwhile , at work , there were fundraisers and food drives for the victims of the storm in the Philippines . Filipinos make up a major portion of the local community , including our office receptionists . An envelope was passed around one afternoon to help a colleague get home to see her family in the devastated area . My favourite Ugandan cleaner friends disappeared , and I didn 't know if this meant their company 's contract hadn 't been renewed with our complex or their boss had shifted them elsewhere or they had headed home . Then one day I ran into one of the guys , Johnson , as I was out on my morning run , " hey , I haven 't seen you in so long ! " He told me that they 've been shifted to the other side , to another tower , that all is well . When the end of the month rolled around , the city was positively giddy with excitement over the announcement of the Expo 2020 city . I watched the local news , live from Paris where the committee was meeting , and the newscasters were breathless . Then suddenly , massive fireworks erupted from the Burj , confirming the win . Amazing photos of the ruler circulated online , showing him leaping into the arms of this colleagues and then beaming while pumping a fist . Such a win , such amazing spirit . And then there was this funny thing that happened the next day . They had circulated an email at work that said that if Dubai won Expo 2020 , the ruler had announced that it would be a public holiday of celebration , and so when the fireworks went off , I was like , " sweet , day off tomorrow . " Except that I had loads of work to do , so I made plans to head into the office to get it all done while it was nice and quiet . But first that morning , I had a nice run and a leisurely breakfast , taking care of errands , etc , and hailing a taxi that dropped me off at the office at 11 . Outside the building , I saw a colleague having a smoke and jokingly asked , " Oh no holiday for you ? " Then I saw a few others , but figured they just couldn 't get the day off from client work with such short notice . But then when the elevator doors opened to our office , I walked in to find it " business as usual , " almost every seat filled , all at work . Turns out there had been a follow - up email at 11pm the night before clarifying that the ruler ended up only declaring the holiday for schools , so work was ON , no day off , and I hadn 't seen this email . Whoops . I 've been here for three years . Three years ! Time flies when you 're having fun ! We 've been away for part of the month , with nice stops in England and Jordan , but there were also lots of little random observations and moments in Dubai to share here . YogaLet me tell you about the saga of the work yoga sessions . They sent around one of those workplace surveys a while ago , asking what types of activities people would like to do for fun , and apparently lots of folks said they 'd be into yoga at the office ( including me ) . I used to do lots of yoga back in the NYC days , and I loved it as it 's such a nice balance for all of the running , a great way to get a good stretch . But there are no conveniently timed , good yoga places near our apartment , so the habit had faded for me until they started offering the weekly free work class . Except that only about 5 of us showed up every week . Just before Ramadan , they sent around an email saying that attendance had to improve and more people committed , but it still settled back to about 5 folks every week . And the plug was finally pulled this week with a long accusatory " this is why you can 't have nice things " email , blaming everyone for saying they were into it but not showing up when it was offered . There would be one last class that night , said the email , and so at 7pm , we regulars , the whole five of us , sat around waiting on our mats for the instructor to show , and at 7 : 30 , found out the instructor wasn 't coming and that was that . The yoga ended with a fizzle instead of a bang . BeveragesOur renewed alcohol permit was ready for pick - up earlier this month , and the liquor store throws in all sorts of deals along with it - coupons for free bottles of Bailey 's , etc . Last time , we didn 't even bother , because we 're more into wine and beer , and don 't need bottles of vodka gathering dust in the house . But this time , James noticed that a free bottle of gin was one of the options , and so we took them up on their offer , stocked up on tonic water , filled the ice trays , and enjoyed the occasional ice cold gin & tonic in the evening . Gin & tonic reminds me of New York because it was my go - to beverage when I would hang out with friends at bars that just weren 't the kind of place where I could order a glass of wine . And gin & tonic also reminds me of our trip to Delhi last year , when we would gather with our friends on the porch of our gymkhana rooms and plays cards with drinks made from a bottle picked up at the airport duty - free . PassportAs predicted , I finally got my passport back a mere two days before my departure . The nice thing about this is that I now don 't have to travel with two passports ( the expired one had my visa in it , but now my new visa is in my new passport ) . This and ThatOther quick Dubai - based stories . Made Vietnamese spring rolls one night . Also got chorizo from the pork section of the grocery store for another meal . The annual consumer electronics show happened at the conference centre , which always means a dearth of taxi cabs and huge traffic jams . A colleague got back from a trip to Canada with some of those awesome maple cream cookies . Hooray for DXBBut yes , most of the month was about not being here . Experiencing greenery and chill in England , and exploring one of the places that was high on the wish list since getting here three years ago : Petra . When we do eventually leave Dubai , one thing that I think we 'll really miss is the convenience of Emirates and the airport . I subscribe to the New York Times and always cringe as I read the travel section 's articles about the indignities of US domestic travel : battles about the overhead lockers , nickel - and - diming for every little detail , passive aggressive aggravation over people reclining their seats . . . even today , there 's an article about people taking off their shoes on planes ( they do that on Emirates flights , but we also get things to ease such scenarios , like hot lemon - scented towels and free wine ) . Travel out of this city is a pleasure : comfortable flights and terminal , which is only 20 minutes away from our apartment . Want to know how Muslims observe their five prayer times each day when they 're up in the air and speeding through time zones ? Throughout the flight , this will appear on the screens , announcing prayer time . Hooray for RoutineBack in Dubai after travels , I got back into my routine . I remember once , when I was at MIT , walking across the Mass Ave Bridge to an orientation event and being taken aback when I casually asked someone in the group what his routine was like and he reacted with such disgust , " ugh , I HATE this word , routine . " Whereas I like the comfort of a day - to - day rhythm , balancing out the fun and adventures . Returning from our travels , I got back into the morning running , had some chats with Joseph from Uganda , stocked up the fridge , packed my lunches to work , got right back into projects , and immersed back into my taxi cab conversations . September is a great month for so many reasons : we both celebrate our birthdays ; we start to get the first taste of nicer Dubai weather ; James ' favourite football team is back on the field ; and we can look forward to upcoming trips in October . The weather in Dubai always tends to fluctuate in September , with the usual baseline of thick heat mixed up with a few noticeable anomalies like sandstorms , foggy mornings and thinner haze . When we moved to the new renovated office , I could see the Burj al Arab from my desk , but that view became obscured by haze all summer long . Until this month , when the shadow of its shape started to appear in the distance once again . By the last weekend of the month , the weather was noticeably milder in the morning , quite delicious . We were able to enjoy an evening out on an abra in nice breezy air , though a walk home from the metro station on a subsequent night left me sweating and overheated . So summer 's not over yet ! But soon , soon enough , I will be back outside for my morning run regime , and I can 't wait . Early in the month , we hit the " cabin fever " phase of the summer after over 20 weeks of making do with indoor R & R , and we just needed to get out of the house one weekend . So we hit the road for a nice long drive around town , past some favourite scenes on the Creek . Our birthdays were so much fun , all about little treats and shared experiences that we both enjoyed . James took the day off on his big day . So after hitting the gym , we went for breakfast at Jones the Grocer , where we had meals of porridge ( James ) and eggs with smoked salmon ( moi ) with really excellent cups of coffee . I spent the rest of that day working , but that little change to my morning routine was so very nice . On that weekend , we made a booking at a trendy new Japanese restaurant and had a fabulous meal that included every detail down to the digestif . Deeeelicious , and an excellent tribute . For my bday , I received a gorgeous bouquet of flowers and a spontaneous after - work dinner at one of our favourite sushi places . There was also the excellent picnic on an abra , which confirmed that this part of the city is one of my favourite places in town , and the promise of tickets to a play for our upcoming work trip to London ( with a funny " no musicals " stipulation , that is just fine with me ! ) . Excellent excellent birthdays for both of us . One of my good friends at work , Diyana from Sri Lanka , just happens to have the same birthday as me , confirming once again that my fleet of Soul Sisters are always kindred spirits with whom I get along splendidly ( hi Karleigh ! hi Megs ! ) . Diyana not only brought me a piece of handmade birthday cake at work the day after our bdays but also , earlier in the month , brought me back a piece of Sri Lankan wedding cake from her brother 's wedding there . It was like a combination mince pie and marzipan treat , sticky and sweet . Other random food - related notes : our little dinky Spinney 's started stocking quinoa for a good price ! When I 'd cased out quinoa at other stores , it was always a massive luxury purchase , so I haven 't cooked it in years . But seeing these little bags on the shelf , I bought one and used it as part of a fantastic stuffed pepper recipe . I also tried a few new recipes including one from the excellent Smitten Kitchen cookbook that involved mixing borlotti beans , celery , onion , toasted walnuts and feta for a refreshing , hearty salad . Many other dinners this month were " snack dinners " as we got big jars of cornichons ( tiny pickles ) , sundried tomatoes , olives and more . Snack dinners are excellent , especially when we get home early from work and there 's a good show on TV . I had some of my typical crazy taxi stories this month . On a recent ride to work , the driver asked the usual slate of questions ( how many years in Dubai , where am I from , am I married ) and then proceeded to tell me about how , back when he was a newlywed , his wife hadn 't gotten pregnant for the first three years of marriage . So his Pakistani grandfather advised him to take a second wife . But he didn 't want to ! But his grandfather kept insisting ! And as he was considering the bigamist route , suddenly she got pregnant . " And now , how many children you think I have ? " " Four ? " I guessed . He laughed , in that pfft puh - lease tone . " Seven ! " His youngest is three , the eldest is 17 . And when I joked that he almost had enough to field a cricket team , ohh , he LOVED that comment . [ n . b . Taxi drivers LOVE to talk about cricket , mention cricket , even if you 're a rube like me , and you will have a friend for life in that taxi driver . . . or at least a friend for the length of your journey . ] In another taxi story , I was in a cab that came within inches of a smash - up . It wasn 't the cabbie 's driving , but the dimwit in the right - hand lane next to us who signalled a right turn and then suddenly changed his / her mind , deciding to turn left , ACROSS our lane of traffic where we were going straight , almost smashing into us . The taxi driver braked in the nick of time and after we both calmed our racing heartrates , he asked if I was okay and then muttered : If it was just me , with no passenger , I would have beat him . " And one last taxi driver story : one morning my driver ( " I 'm from Bangladesh ! " ) told me that he has been in Dubai for 20 years , so I used that cheezy " oh so you were just a baby when you moved here " joke . And oh my goodness , the howls of laughter ! Breathless peals . He loved that joke ! One morning , James called me over to the laptop where he was paying a few of our bills online and told me that our water and electricity had gone up by $ 100 after holding steady for all the months that we have lived here . I tried to figure out what water or electricity usage could have cause such a spike , wondering if it was leaving my laptop on wake - mode while downloading entire seasons of Breaking Bad , or something . But James had already figure out that it was some extra fee from the municipality that had nothing to do with our consumption . But we still wanted to confirm , because that 's a heft hike out of nowhere , so I called the company that day and they confirmed that yes , it was some tax or fee that we were indeed supposed to be charged , and it 's just that the municipality had only now gotten around to filing the paper work for our apartment after all this time . Speaking of Breaking Bad , thanks to the new computer hook - up thingy to the TV , we can now download TV episodes and watch them together on the nicer screen . And so we raced through Season 5 of Breaking Bad and then bought an immediate season pass to the final season . Yes this show is freaking amazing , as everyone raves , and we are both steadfastly avoiding any and all write - ups about the series finale this week until we can get to it ourselves ( just a few more episodes to go ) . Other favourite entertainment this month included lots and lots of Anthony Bourdain - episodes of his TV series " The Layover , " episodes of " No Reservations , " the season premiere of his new CNN show and the finish of his great classic book " Kitchen Confidential , " which we read out loud to each other , switching readers between chapters . I love his stories for their " restaurant insider " aspect along with his excellent travelogues to places we 've been and places we 'd like to go . Like , watching the Hong Kong or Toronto episodes after our trips this year has helped reinforce our own memories of the familiar places while adding to our urge to go back . I 've still been going to the gym six out of seven mornings of each week , where I hit the treadmill for 28 minutes most days : it 's a 10 minute warm - up followed by four repeats of a 2 minutes of sprint + 2 minutes of easier pace . I love it , and I feel great after this summer . Ready for outdoor running , for usre . One week this month , I boosted my sprint time each morning way more , with less rest periods in between sprints , all culminating in a personal record - breaking week in terms of total minutes sprinted . I treated myself to a couple of days off and treated my tired muscles to a massage at the Ritz . James had his 10th work trip of the year this month , jetting to Hyderabad in India for a week and getting lots of great shots of the overloaded commuter motorcycles , scooters and autorickshaws . It looked very green and moderately crowded . While he was off for the week , I filled my time nicely with meet - ups with our neighbour ladies for a drink one night at the Armani bar in the Burj . The place is the go - to fave for our girls ' night out because they have good bar crunchy snacks and ice cold drinks , and it 's quiet enough to have a good catch - up chat while being close enough to walk home . James and I took the month to take care of lots of little errands . Like , we submitted our liquor license renewal . And when our washing machine broke - down , we got it checked out for repair , which led to the discovery that there are no - count ' em , NO - laundromats in Dubai . And I submitted my passport at work so that my residency visa can be renewed well ahead of time . This latter process has been a little frustrating in that I started the process with the folks well over 5 weeks before I would next need my passport , and I made it clear that I needed it back for travel . It should have been a really quick thing , but now I am down to the wire and I still don 't have it in hand . Throughout this time , I kept checking with folks in charge to see what was going on , and the response was always the attempt - at - reassuring , " oh yeah yeah , no problem . " All of which has made me realize is that I really value follow - through . I get no comfort from breezy affirmations and promises , especially if nothing materializes from these words , and if I 'm burned by empty promises , then your credibility is gone . In Dubai , the default response to a request is always a nonchalant " no problem " from these helpers and I really don 't like that I have to condescend and chase down Mr No Problems for updates and answers . It starts to make me feel like I 'm being an annoying expat , even though I 'm just asking why something hasn 't been arranged for me days or weeks beyond someone said it would be done . I would rather they just give it to me straight and tell me " actually it might take about four weeks " because they 're not winning points for telling me something is going to happen if it doesn 't happen . Follow - through is one of the billion things that I love and appreciate about James . There is no waffling , no last minute changes . If something can 't happen , he just says so upfront and it 's no big deal . He doesn 't make empty promises , he doesn 't placate : he just says what he means . Too bad he can 't take care of my passport . There have been some interesting times at work , in the sense of the Chinese proverb " may you live in interesting times . " Except that this time I am only peripheral to the shenanigans , instead of battling from the frontlines . But in keeping with my philosophy of not writing obvious things about work on this blog , I will leave it at that . Ending on a hugely positive household note , James ' football team signed a new star player and the team has been playing well . In my own personal history of Arsenal fandom , even by proxy , they have been somewhat Canucks - like in that you never trust that they 're going to win , even when they 're well ahead halfway into the match . But since this new signing , I have almost wanted to write down the quotes from James , things like " wow this is some amazing football ! " Once again , it 's a pleasure to watch the footie instead of recent seasons when the games were turned off to preserve blood pressure and sanity . Our month began in Hong Kong , where it was hot and humid , but nothing like Dubai . We were able to wander outside on the weekend , and sure my hair was plastered to my head from the thick humidity , but it was nothing like the scorching - oven discomfort of being outside in August around here . It made me realize how everything is relative . I 'll read about a heatwave in New York City , where the temperatures will come nowhere near the highs we experience here on the Arabian peninsula , but I 'll remember how stifling it was to be there and live through those heat waves . Because the big difference here in Dubai is that we surround ourselves with a cocoon of AC . We never go outside , except for quick bursts , and every moment of our days are spent indoors : working out in the gym , hanging out in the apartment , commuting in a cooled car , sitting at a desk in a climate - controlled office . In New York , I would still walk long stretches of blocks to get to subway stations or meet - ups with friends , and I would melt in the heat radiating from the concrete underfoot . At night , I would point a fan at my bed and sleep in my non - AC ' ed apartment , doing my best to have a solid night 's comfortable sleep . There was a time in Boston when I sleepwalked to the freezer and woke after I had opened the door . No way was it as hot as Dubai , but it 's all just to say that everything is relative . Heat is easy when there 's plenty to do inside , when it 's air - conditioned everywhere . So in Hong Kong , we took full advantage of the " cooler " weather . Running outside in Victoria Park . Taking long walks up at The Peak . It was fantastic . Hong Kong also gave me a chance to reflect on the elements of a city that make it appealing to me , as I was so pleasantly surprised to find so much greenery and outdoorsiness there . And we talked about how Dubai doesn 't let us do the outdoorsy stuff as much as we 'd like , until the winter when we binge on getting outside in the fantastic weather , and yet we 've adapted to Dubai and still found ways to have it fit our own style . WEarly in the month , there was a smattering of rain . It 's so rare here , and such a novelty , that I laughed as the radio 's morning zoo style program sounded an alarm to announce the weather . Lots of changes in the neighbourhood , with the constant chatter of jackhammers every morning and the lake looking totally different . There 's a new intersection . New restaurants have opened after Ramadan . In a proud moment , a man honked his horn next to us while we were waiting at a stoplight , and I rolled down the window so that he could ask us for directions : " Barbecue Delight ? " Why yes , I know it ! Straight and then on the right . The Hong Kong work experience was incredibly gratifying and I returned to Dubai to have two of the best projects in ages kick - off . I was solidly busy for long , long work days and got to present to a client , and it was my favourite kind of work . Super satisfying . Other entertainment for the month included a trip to Satwa to get craft supplies , and lots of excellent DVDs , like Anthony Bourdain and Breaking Bad . We also started reading Kitchen Confidential aloud , as I knew James would love it after he enjoyed the Bourdain TV shows so much , and it 's been a lot of fun to read . Oh , and I had my annual dentist appointment , always good to get the life admin checked off the to - do list in the summer months . Ramadan began and , as always , the city got a lot quieter as a ) a large number of expats took the opportunity to jet out of the country for summer holidays and b ) those who stayed had shorter working hours as most offices closed early so that those who are fasting could head home to rest before iftar . This was the longest Ramadan fast in 30 years , with it being the height of summer and the long daylight hours . The cannon was wheeled into the park this year , startling me every single time , to the point where I just have such a laugh at myself at how much I jump even when I know the boom is coming . Despite the shortened office hours , I still stayed in the office for my usual work day , though I found that I had to be mindful of my time of departure , otherwise there would be no taxis because it was iftar . And if I left in the 30 - 40 minutes before sunset , whoa could I tell the taxi drivers were getting edgy after a full day of no food / no water / no cigarettes . Like heavy gas pedal , heavy brakes , urgent lane changes . My office isn 't strict about not eating or drinking at our desks during the month , though I use discretion if I know there is an observer around . More in line with the societal norms , James can 't have his morning coffee at his desk , and has to eat at the canteen . Most cafes hang opaque curtains so that you can still eat but not be in full view of those who are fasting . Other courtesy rules when in public this month include : no gum , no loud music , no sips of water or eating . One morning , I had a tickle in my throat while in the taxi on the way to work , and I found myself coughing coughing coughing . The driver was a bearded older man from Pakistan , jubilantly friendly , and as I found my attempts to suppress the cough to be futile , with tears coming down my cheeks , I finally said to him , " I 'm SO sorry , do you mind if I take a sip of water ? " One evening , we joined our neighbour for a closer look at the cannon and then wandered over to have dinner at the iftar buffet tent near the Burj Khalifa . They had an amazing model of what is going to be built in our neighbourhood , including enormous new skyscrapers and opera houses . Fascinating . Even with the quieter pace of Ramadan , the construction pace of change around the city continued to blaze forward at breakneck speed . An entire new traffic light intersection was installed near our place . Trucks and jackhammers cranked away in the empty lots below our window . And returning from the Paris trip , we looked out the window to see that the manmade lake on which we have gazed during our stay was now GONE ! things . Like , one weekend morning we dropped off the car to get some repairs done and the shop told us it would take many hours , so we got a lift to the metro and then rode the little rental bikes home from the metro station . To get the car registration renewed , we had to make sure we had no outstanding fines and when we checked the tranport department 's website , I looked up the date in my daily journal and the answer quickly became apparent - we had driven to that winding mountain road and must have been dinged by a radar camera somewhere along the trip there . One of my favourite local discoveries this year has been a travel TV show hosted by two Emirati brothers . They travel to places all over the world , with some favourite episodes having included Singapore , Buenos Aires , Bangkok and Seoul , and they meet up with really creative , artistic residents of each city , detailing the hidden pulse and details of each place . Plus , the two hosts are really fun and engaging interviewers , and I think they 're great ambassadors for the UAE , showing the world what the residents here are all about . Their season finale was an episode about the UAE and I yelped with happiness as the show came to a conclusion , with the brothers talking about how they have traveled all over the world but never felt out of place , mostly because Dubai is a place where there is already such diversity and acceptance that they carry that with them . And there on the screen during that poignant voiceover was a comment that I had posted to them . . . The month began with a glorious sunset one evening , swirls of pink and gold . One of those evenings where I had to walk out onto the patio to take a bunch of shots and pause to listen to the hum of activity around the city . Marvelous place , still mindblowing that I 'm here ! We had just gotten back from Toronto at the end of May and so June was a month of getting back into the routine with work , gym , relaxed weekends and life admin stuff . June also saw the official return of the thick blanket of heat , which will only get thicker in the next few months . When we first moved to the renovated new office floor , I had a crystal clear view of the Burj al Arab from my desk , but I only saw it once or twice this month thanks to the humid haze . Too hot to walk outside more than a short stretch . Hot enough to steam up the glasses . Hot enough to prompt a nice dip in the pool after the gym . We had such a fascinating " Dubai experience " this month when James returned from one of his work trips late one night and found that the car wouldn 't start when he went to drive to work the next morning . Now , I 'm a bit of an expert when it comes to dead car batteries , having encountered these on many occasions back in the Jersey days , including one memorable moment in the parking lot of Newark Airport after Christmas break and another when I was all dressed up to head to Shanty 's bridal shower on Long Island and didn 't end up getting on the road until two hours and one tow truck later . So I could tell that this was the prob pretty quickly and on an early weekend morning , we arranged for a visit from the roadside assistance guys . Yay , this exists in the UAE ! Such an adventure . The man showed up right on - time at 8am and when I went out to the front gate to look for him , I couldn 't see any official roadside assistance pick - up truck . I wandered back and forth , wondering if the guy had stopped at a different gate . But after a few minutes , I noticed the ramshacke little Nissan idling away at the curb and I wandered over , " Abdullah ? " Yes it was him . I showed him the way up to where our car was parked in the lot , where he pulled out his little portable jumpstart thingamajiggy , but poor ol ' Abdullah wasn 't able to get things going without setting off the car 's anti - theft device . Several attempts were made , calls were placed to dispatch for Arabic language advice , and finally he handed me his cellphone where the woman carefully enunciated , " you have to call dealer . " Undeterred , we made our way back up to the apartment where we called the dealer 's 24 hours assistance line and were told that they would send someone right away . Within 30 minutes , we were heading back downstairs in the heat to look for our second hero of the day and , once again , we got the gate and didn 't know what or who to look for . And then we saw a man give us a wave . . . from beside his massive flatbed truck . I don 't know this man 's name , but he was fantastic . A head of hair dyed with the distinctive coppery tone of henna favoured by men in this region , enough of an English language comprehension to get the basics and a friendly smile , our Pakistani friend from just outside of Islamabad knew the exact trick to getting the battery jumpstarted pronto ! And then , since it was clear we would need a new battery , he called up his buddies to sell us a new one and waited with us until they arrived . Nice guy . Another little sporty beat - up coupe roared up to where we were standing in the shade of the tree , sweating our butts off , and two super skinny Pakistani guys wearing shiny dress - shirts jumped out . They popped our hood , pulled out their tools , and replaced that battery with a shiny new one in about 10 minutes flat . We paid the flatbed truck guy ( only Abdullah 's service had been the free one and , hey , I guess you get what you pay for ) and the battery guys , and fired up the car like a champ . In neighbourhood news , a pack of mangy feral cats has set up shop outside the Spinney 's and they 're thriving thanks to the folks who leave them cans of cat food . I secretly wonder how long they will - - ahem - - " last " until we don 't see them around here anymore . The kids love them , the dog owners do not . James had a work trip to London , so I spent a weekend morning to myself hitting the gym and then checking out a new little cafe near our place that serves these coffee bun things with lattes . I was the only person in the cafe and I enjoyed reading my book while dipping the bun thing in my coffee . I was almost able to tune out the loud 1990 's hippity hop soundtrack that was cranking through the place . After my coffee bun , I walked over to the art gallery to check out the new exhibit of Egyptian graffiti and it was so good that we went back a few weeks later so that James could see it too . There were orange fire trees in bloom all over Dubai this month , lending a dose of bright colour to the landscape . I also started to notice the different lilts in taxi drivers ' speech patterns when they take calls on the road . Like how they 'll answer with a " slam layum " instead of the enunciated " as - sa - lam a - lay - kum , " which I take to be the equivalent of English speakers slurring a casual " whassup " greeting . Personal admin this month , aside from car battery changes , included the always refreshingly smooth eGate renewal process . The eGate is a must around here . I think it was after our South Africa trip , where we arrived after a long overnight flight and had to wait a few despondent hours in line at passport control , that we decided it was high - time to spend the fifty bucks to get this express lane pass that lets us skip the whole ordeal . And renewal is a pleasure - where other procedures are so bureaucratic and convoluted , this process takes about ten minutes . Thank you very much . Over at the gym , I continue to pursue my treadmill sprint regime almost every single morning of the week , and I have to say , I am feeling like a million bucks . What a way to start the day , with a warm - up on an incline followed by bursts of a few minutes of flat - out heartrate cranking sprinting and then down to a few minutes of jogging before starting the sprinting all over again . Half hour on the treadmill goes by so quickly this way , sans boredom . I get back to the apartment and I am drenched . I carry a 1 . 5L bottle of water with me to work every day and guzzle it all , along with my afternoon tea break with my Sri Lankan friend and the big Starbucks mug of morning tea to get me going . Hello hydration ! There are so many day - to - day characters that I see in my wander to the gym . The African woman who works as a lifeguard and always exchanges happy greetings with me . The intense expat who pounds the treadmill and weights every day . The man who seems to be employed as a dog walker to the two dogs who seem to have their own apartment ( Dubai ! ) , an odd couple of animals , one big fat bassett hound and one ratty old chihuahua . The personal trainer whom I refer to as The Viking , who has a steady business here and seems to always be at the gym when I 'm there . The cleaning lady with her razor sharp bobbed haircut . The cleaning guys from Africa , including my friend Joseph from Uganda to whom I gave the book that one time . We stopped for a chat one morning this month and he showed me photos of his baby son Fabian and told me stories about his life here and his life back in Africa . He was in a low mood on this morning , and need to vent about things , so he told me his salary and it is shockingly low , stunning , like I could give the man a year 's wages without even thinking twice . But he has a plan . He is working to earn something like a thousand dollars in savings so that he can go back to his home , his wife & child , his family of a dozen or so brothers & sisters who are all working at NGOs , and the nephew whom he puts through school with tuition , and he will use those thousand dollars in Dubai savings to start a business for which he has a plan and a partner ready to go . And I walked back to the apartment , after he shook my hand and responded as he always does to me saying I hope he has a nice day by saying " likewise , " and I think about this imbalance for the entire month . We made our way back to one of my favourite neighbourhoods , Satwa , one morning to get some supplies to hang the new map that we bought in Toronto . At first it seemed that we had struck out , with the man at the counter saying that no he had no putty to hang posters , nor did he have any pins . But then we found the section that had both items in the same place , I had such an interesting month at work with great projects and a nice calm feeling , without any of the insane shenanigans that I had been experiencing in the last year . All of that has been resolved for several months and things have been running smoothly . I knock on wood as I know the battles could flareup again at any time , but in the meantime , I am enjoying the gratification of getting good projects done . And the enjoyment of some actual fun office activities ! Like , I went out for lunch with a Canadian coworker , finally , after she had been mentioning it for over a year . Another night , they had the first in - house beer social , the first since I 've been there . And they started yoga classes every week , though the turn - out hasn 't been amazing and they 're threatening to cancel already . I love this and look forward to it every week . It 's a nighttime class after the place empties out and I feel so good to relax and have a stretch . I always meant to keep doing my yoga practice that I had started in NYC , and which was such a nice complement to the running routine there , but there was never a conveniently located studio or I had to join a gym or whatever . So it faded away until now , and I am loving being back at it . And now I 've enjoyed it so much this month that I even signed up for a weekend morning class up on the 124th floor of the Burj Khalifa . Amazing ! And now we wrap up the month of June and look ahead to July . Some travels back to cooler climes are happening to kick things off , which makes it sound like we 're being decadent and traveling all the time , when in fact we 're just weighing holidays heavily in the summer months to get the heck out of the stinkin ' heat . TimeOut magazine had a story by a long - time editor who was heading back to the UK after many many years here , and her farewell advice for Dubai newcomers was to set up a savings account so that you don 't go crazy in the tax - free environment , get lots of DVDs to survive the summer , and take full advantage of the amazing hub that is DXB with lots of travel . Places to Remember in Dubai , the Healthy Eating at Home Edition
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When I Googled myself recently , I found my name listed on the blog for the Walt Mink documentary . If you don 't know the band Walt Mink , this won 't be so interesting , but it was strange and good to be transported to the past . I dropped out of college after my freshman year spent in Portland , OR at Lewis and Clark College ( Monica Lewinsky 's alma mater , though I think she arrived the year after I left . ) A friend of mine was going to college at Macalaster and playing music in Minneapolis , MN so I thought I 'd try it there . He was my brother 's friend really , and he went on to be one of the best drummers in the known universe , playing for Beck , REM , and other records you 've probably heard . His name 's Joey Waronker and I went to his wedding with my then girlfriend and I actually got to share a cab with Beck ! After that , my star - struck girlfriend called it the " Beck wedding . " Sounds like I 'm name dropping , and maybe I am , but these celebrity moments are few and far between . So I moved in Minneapolis and lived a slacker 's dream . 100 dollar rent , cheap used music stores , many other slackers . If it wasn 't for the snow it would be one of the best cities to live . When I lived there , there was a blizzard on Halloween and it didn 't stop until May . I lived in a house with a bunch of other musicians . I played bass in a band of my own . All told I think this was one of the best times of my life . 1991 , the year punk broke . I remember " Nevermind " coming out . I got to see them at a 1000 seat venue for the " Nevermind " tour . Chris Novaselic did all the talking . I actually saw them for the " Bleach " tour as well . Walt Mink were the band in the house that were destined to be rock stars . It seems in my life that I have been close to bands that were destined to be the next big thing . Walt Mink sounded like the Smashing Pumpkins before they existed . Beatle - esque with big guitars , incredible amazing guitar riffs . I remember being with John Kimbrough , the lead guitarist / singer / songwriter , when he listened to the Smashing PumPosted by Just watched some news coverage about the Iraq elections . Stupidly , I watched the late local Fox news . I was watching a " Simpsons " episode and the news came on and I thought I 'd see how they were covering it . Depressing , of course . It sounds like generic paranoia but it really does watch like propaganda . Everything was only about people 's joy , cut with an American saying , " That 's just the price of freedom . " I 'm sure you could find an Iraqi family who would say it 's not fucking worth it , especially those families who have lost children . The entire spin was positive - - a brief mention of the 40 people who were killed . This is why I have vowed to not watch the news for the next four years - - we are not getting even half the story . Is there anybody on earth more disingenuous than local newscasters - - those people who are supposed to be telling us the true story about the world . They report every story with the same indifferent smile . While I 'm happy for those joyful Iraqi 's and hope for stability , this story is far from over . But America is wishing for a Hollywood happy ending , an instant fix . My main fear about this election is that it is like another election for George Bush . He does not need more power , in his own head or anybody else 's . It struck me like a second inauguration . I don 't know what the hell my opinion matters about this major situation but I needed to write something . Posted by In the absence of real blogging , here 's an amusing link . I successfully murdered fifteen minutes with it . Maybe it 's one of those things that 's going around a lot , but here 's another place where you can find it . Postcard Confessions Everybody 's got something to hide except heroin addicts . Uh , that 's a John Lennon reference - - " Everybody 's got something to hide except me and my monkey " which is an ode to dope . Monkeys , horses and dragons are all dope slang for some good reason . She 's off from daycare this week - - something called Winter Vacation - - so I won 't be able to do much blogging . A warning to those addicts , such as myself . It will be good to take a step back , as I 've been getting very entwined in this site - - checking referrers , hits , comments . I feel a little spark when I see someone has stopped by and then I want to feel that spark again . I never thought I had an addictive personality , but I was wrong . Time to be a good father and take my daughter to the park . Posted by I want to talk about something that was hinted at in a recent comment - - how I should be happy to have a published novel and not lament so much that I don 't have a career . That 's not what the comment said at all , but that 's what it got me thinking about . I 've probably talked about this before . I get the feeling that I repeat myself sometimes , I mean whole sentences , verbatim - - but what can I do , these thoughts are core to my every day . My answer is : no , having a published novel is not entirely enough . I wrote the novel that 's been published when I was twenty years old . I wrote the first draft - - 200 pages - - in an insane month in a dirty room in Boerum Hill , Brooklyn . My agent at the time , who was trying to sell an earlier novel about being a slacker in Minneapolis , MN , didn 't know what to make of it . She sent it out reluctantly . " I do not see a market for a book that is slight and lacking in any meaningful message , " said one editor . Three years later I added forty pages to it and decided to try and get it published myself . Soft Skull Press decided to take it on . At that time they were publishing books at Kinko 's . Mine was their first full - color , professionally bound book . It was a great experience getting it published - - vindicating , made me feel like a writer , which is a great feeling . I went on a book tour , there was a book release party , I had a girlfriend , I felt good . Soft Skull didn 't have any distribution at that time so the book kind of stayed in place . It was great to have a book to hand out to people , and it was an impetus for writing another book , but it 's not like it launched me anywhere other than my own mind . I broke up with that girlfriend - - actually she broke up with me , not because we didn 't like each other , but for other sort - of - dramatic reasons . So I was a single , self - loathing 24 - year - old . I started writing another novel in this atmosphere which would last me three years . All in all , it was a very fucked up experience writing the next book : it owned me . I thought that was proof thatHenry Baum I 've gone and done it . I put a Paypal button on this page . I am tired of poverty and there 's always the chance that a philanthropic millionaire might stop by this site and feel generous . Exceedingly , absurdly doubtful but a small chance is better than nothing . I need some help with my habit for living . Posted by Thanks to Ebway , City Rag , and Amy Langfield , who all linked to the Sew story . Glad that Sew is getting her online due . I wrote to Ebway . org about the Sew story - - I was curious if anyone remembered her . I didn 't think that they would link to it . I have learned from Ebway that the Seward Park neighborhood is teeming with new Wi - Fi coffee houses and old staples are being torn down . Strange , but it also makes me feel like I am missing out on the city , which is something I haven 't felt for a while . When I moved to the Seward Park neighborhood , my building was filled almost entirely with Chinese families . It used to be a Jewish neighborhood , and then Chinatown started moving eastward . Before I moved into my apartment , the rent was $ 100 a month , rent controlled for fifty years . I actually took my crooked Polish landladies to court because they were charging me $ 800 and refused to give me a lease - - if they registered the apt . it would have been shown to be a rent stabilized apartment . I won and the rent went down to $ 525 , phenomenal for NYC . Here 's a story : one day I got home and the chain was locked on the door . A stranger took the chain off and let me into my apartment . A man and a woman who I 'd never seen before were sitting there . They had moved a bed into the living room , a TV , dresser , pots and pans in the kitchen , and even food into the refrigerator . This was the landlady 's son and his wife . Their claim was that my girlfriend and I had been subletting the apartment alongside the husband and wife , so we had no claim on the apartment . My girlfriend called the cops , who promptly kicked the man and the woman out - - the cops were smiling , saying to the couple , " What the hell are you doing ? " An incredibly stupid scheme . To be racist : those landladies made me believe in Polish jokes . Soon , the Chinese families moved out one by one and the hipsters started moving in , as well as new bars . I always knew that it was going to become the next East Village . It 's a great little , self - contained community with its own park - - the last undiscovered area of lower Manhattan . I 'd like to go back and see what 's come of the old neighborhood . Posted by Actually that 's being too cynical . The fractal generator is mind blowing . The paint program is also like being on drugs without being on drugs . And I admit that I 've gotten comfort from the I Ching program , especially when it tells me that there will be progress and success ( if I cross the Great Stream . ) They 're Macintosh programs but you can find the equivalent on these sites . Also Tarot . com has good free tarot readings , if you believe in that sort of thing , which I do , if it 's not abused . Making a website out of the Tarot seems like a form of abuse , but the readings are well done . I am not overly credulous about these things - - I just don 't believe anything is arbitrary . Like most people , I grab onto what 's accurate and discard what 's inaccurate , or stretch an insight so it pertains to my life . You have to take it seriously for it to work , and probably shouldn 't do it over and over again . I like the Tarot and I Ching because it 's more personal than astrology , especially newspaper astrology , which is not to say I don 't check my horoscope . I go to Tarot . com when I 'm feeling shitty and I need some small hope , even if it 's a false hope . Usually I keep these things private , but as most of my thoughts are made public on this site , I thought I 'd dive in again - - it 's validating to feel like it 's not a seedy , little secret . By the way , I 'm a Cancer - - which seems appropriate , a disease with the sign of a crab . I want to talk about the most ruling dog . This blog has been great for getting down things from my life , and this dog deserves an ode . When I lived in New York I stayed in the same apartment for most of the ten years . It was a great apartment that looked over a park in lower Manhattan . Rare for such a shitty little apartment to have a park view . Every once in a while I 'd see this stray dog in the park . Once I saw her catch a rat in the ivy . " That dog crazy , " said a local Chinese girl . The black dog was a fixture in the neighborhood . Squat , muscular , she looked more like a muskrat . I didn 't see her for several years and I thought she had finally died or had been taken away . I didn 't know how she could have lived through so many New York winters . One winter , I started seeing a lot more of her out my window - - walking around , barking at nothing , people petting her , buying her a can of dog food . The next time I saw her was in the dead of winter - - she was lying in the park , her leg was broken and bleeding and she was shivering in the snow . I gave her some turkey which she ate quickly . I went back to my apartment and started crying . Something about a wounded animal can be more affecting to me than wounded people . I was thinking of taking her in , but then she disappeared again . I figured she had died for real and I felt terrible that I hadn 't taken her in immediately . I was worried about the responsibility , the expense , if the dog could be diseased . A couple of days later I saw her in the park again with a bright red cast on her leg , as if she had been resurrected . A woman had taken her to the vet . She couldn 't take the dog permanently and so I offered to take her . When I brought her back to my apartment , she screamed and howled and clawed at the window , trying to get back to the street that had almost killed her . Vets suck miserably . I took the dog to a vet who said , smiling , " Let 's bring in Dr . ____ , she 'll get a kick out of this . " Could you imagine a doctor saying this about a wounded child ? He then told me Posted by I once played drums in a band that played sixties - pop type songs . The songwriter saw me play drums in another band and asked me to play in his band , which was flattering . We once toured through the South , including a stop in Panama City , Florida , home of MTV Spring Break . Four hard - up guys , surrounded by drunk , screaming , unfriendly frat - girls . Thousands of rugby shirts . We played a show in one room to ten people while hoards of people watched a Stone Temple Pilots cover band in the other room . That 's actually an annoying moment but not the one I 'm writing about . In a crowded elevator going up to our practice space , the songwriter told me , " Usually I can read books very quickly , but reading your novel was like walking through molasses . " The other people on the elevator - - strangers - - looked embarrassed . That was annoying . When I was watching football last weekend , I saw an advertisement for this hideous thing . I actually yelled out in horror when it came on screen . " Fried egg , crisp bacon , hash brown nuggets , cheese , ketchup and a charbroiled all - beef patty on a sesame - seed bun . " I 've wondered when they would manage to make a sandwich that would incorporate both a cow and a chicken . Every major meat group is represented . It almost seems like a joke , or a test to see just how much Americans will consume . It 's the most sloppily American thing I have ever seen . Speaking of meat , the Jets won a very cool game and the Mets got Carlos Beltran . I am a happy transplanted NY sports fan . I am a red - blooded American male , but there should be protests against the Breakfast Burger . Posted by It doesn 't exactly need mentioning , but I changed the layout of my links . The list was getting way too long . For some people , I didn 't know whether or not to put them as " Writers " or " Blogs . " All bloggers are writers to some extent , and a lot of bloggers write other stuff on the side . You don 't need a published book to be a writer . It 's mostly about how people see themselves , and I don 't know how all those bloggers define themselves . I 'm probably being too careful . Let me know if any of this makes you want to kill me . I dug this book . Somewhere between The Da Vinci Code and Umberto Eco 's Foucault 's Pendulum ( look at me , I figured out how to underline . ) The Da Vinci Code is too simplistic while Foucault 's Pendulum is far too academic , even encyclopedic . But I love secret society , spirituality , truth - seeking books . One review called it a mini - masterpiece and I agree with it . Gave me nightmares . Humanity is pretty damned demonic so the cartoonish depiction of demons is not really all that more outlandish than how humans treat each other . The book is split into two separate novellas , written at different times . I admit that I didn 't finish the second novella . I found myself not liking it and checked the Amazon reviews . Most people said it was tedious compared to the first novella . There 's enough to read without trudging through something . The first novella is worth the price of admission . I linked to John Shirley 's blog on the right to keep tabs on him . I wrote to John Shirley once , in regards to my other blog , TABOTD . I 've pretty much abandoned that blog for the time being . I 've started writing the novel from the beginning . I haven 't thrown anything out , but what 's there is a skeleton . Shirley wrote back a curt reply , " I don 't believe in UFOs , " which seemed like a dickhead reply from someone who writes science fiction laced books . He is a good writer , I 'll give him that . I got some pretty cool responses about that blog . Charles Tart , Paul Krassner , and Douglas Rushkoff all wrote back . I also got David Mitchell 's Number 9 Dream out of the library . I don 't know how far I 'm going to make it with this one . It seems like another one of those novels that writes around its subject rather than writing directly . It seems over my head when I want it to be in my head . On page 9 came this sentence : " I act a young man driven by flattery failure into digging a deeper pit . " What ? Is there a word missing ? That 's when I put the novel down . I 'm probably not trying hard enough . I checked the reviews on Amazon again aPosted by I must be a homophobe . As if racial controversy weren 't enough , here comes something else . James from Hot Blog and Relish asked me to put a banner on my site for Love and Protect Life Week with two men sharing a condom . My first reaction was to not want to do it . One , it 's not my style to advertise my support of certain things by wearing ribbons , putting bumper stickers on my car and the like . It feels somewhat related to wearing a brand name like Tommy Hilfiger or Gap emblazoned across your chest - - thinking you can be represented by a slogan like " I 'm pro - choice and I vote . " There 's that great moment from the " Crumb " documentary where R . Crumb is walking around San Francisco and says , " People have become walking advertisements . " For some reason , that 's stayed with me most from that movie . I also was struck with a feeling that homosexuality might creep me out a little bit , somewhere deep that I still can 't avoid . I get uncomfortable when I see two men kissing out in public . But then I thought , I also get uncomfortable when I see a man and a woman kissing in public . It depends how they 're kissing - - if it seems like they 're showing off , I get annoyed . Maybe gay men and women are more defensive and self - conscious so it seems like they are parading themselves a bit more . More likely , they are living their lives normally and this has everything to do with my perception . Maybe it 's because gay men tend to find me attractive - - I 've got a boyish thing and look younger than I should - - and I 've been hit on in uncomfortable ways in the past . But then , there 's just as many gay men who find me unattractive and like very masculine men . I have wondered that it must be difficult to maintain a relationship with two men . It 's hard enough maintaining a relationship with one man in a relationship , but men are more aggressive on the whole and two men must lead to some pretty hard fights … Then I thought I was responding to the anti - gay zeitgeist in America . I have nothing against homosexuality whatsoever . They Sounds like I 'm trying to drum up controversy here , but James sent me an email just as the racial discussion was going on in the " Jung Country " post . This might seem like a lot of bullshit build - up , but no one 's going to argue that I don 't overthink things . Of course , AIDS is a worthy cause and I shouldn 't have hesitated . Happy Love and Protect Life Week : Thanks to Arthur Coddington and the Blog of the Day folks . Crazy to see myself on my Yahoo homepage . All the new people let me know if you like it or hate it here . I 'm asking for it . Posted by ( via Posthuman Blues ) This man writes so I don 't have to . A Jungian analysis of George Bush by Paul Levy . There is something beyond normal bad about George Bush . He represents a general human spiritual and intellectual crisis , best typified by American aggression and basic stupidity . Anyway , let the man talk . From his very long article : " One good thing I can say about President Bush is that he 's gotten me interested in politics . Before he came to office , I was mainly interested in spiritual matters , and considered politics a ' distraction . ' There was something playing out through George W . Bush as president , though , that not only caught my attention but strongly triggered something in me . In his campaign he promised us a foreign policy with humility , yet his actions seemed so arrogant , so full of hubris . I sensed a deep underlying incongruity , as if some unfinished psychological process was unconsciously enacting itself through him … The truth now needs to be uttered . George W . Bush is ill . He has a psycho - spiritual dis - ease of the soul , a sickness that is endemic to our culture and symptomatic of the times we live in . It 's an illness that has been with us since time immemorial . Because it 's an illness that 's in the soul of all of humanity , it pervades the field and is in all of us in potential at any moment , which makes it especially hard to diagnose … In much the same way that a child 's psychology cannot be understood without looking at the family system he or she is a part of , George Bush does not exist in isolation . We can view Bush and his entire Administration ( Cheney , Rumsfeld , Rice , Ashcroft , Powell , Wolfowitz , etc ) , as well as the corporate , military industrial complex that they are co - dependently enmeshed with , the media that they control , the voters that support them , and ourselves as well , as interconnected parts of a whole system , or a ' field . ' Instead of relating to any part of this field as an isolated entity , it 's important to contemplate the entire interdependent field as the ' medium ' though which malignant egophrenia manifests and propagates itself . ME disease is a field phenomenon , and needs to be contemplated as such . Bush 's sickness is our own . " Watched some of " Antiques Roadshow " last night . It was a greatest hits show where they showed the most valuable antiques . Everything was worth over $ 100 , 000 . I used to like this show a lot more before I was struck with a form of dirt poverty . If not poverty , then hitting . 500 every month . Good for baseball , bad for recreation . Now it 's sort of insulting to see a spoon that 's worth $ 300 , 000 . It 's nice to see that people appreciate old , well - crafted things , but a spoon shouldn 't be worth more than my life . I admit that I always wish for a big pay - off : I 'm American , and I 'm slightly disappointed when the number 's low . But hell , I 'm a Communist ( in theory ) . A rug worth $ 500 , 000 ? It 's fine if you want to put it in a museum , but almighty there are people suffering right now and overvaluing a rug seems primitively trivial . In Thailand / Indonesia the problem isn 't about the number of dead , but the number of survivors , people who have lost family . Now children are being raped and sold into slavery from refugee camps . Terrible , incomprehensible , fuck . For those America haters out there , Hitler wasn 't American , Pol Pot wasn 't American . Iraq sucks but it doesn 't actually compare to some of the things that have happened on this planet . Which isn 't a lesson in moral relativity - - if it 's not AS bad , it doesn 't matter . Just to suggest that America 's getting most of the blame now , but abuse is not an American problem , it 's a human problem . That 's a pretty patriotic sentiment from someone who thinks America actually is the problem . We are a rich country , we could do a lot more than we are with our money . We have a lot more $ 300 , 000 spoons . On a lighter note , in Paris I used to watch the British version of " Antiques Roadshow , " as well as the British version of the show " Trading Spaces . " Kids would have their rooms redesigned and call it , " Brilliant . " You have to trust a child who says " Brilliant . " I also watched a show called " Ready , Steady , Cook " where two cooks are given household food like a cPosted by This picture used to be on my desktop because I believe in things . UFOs are real , Goddammit . Or as it said on a Minutemen record , " Dreams are real , motherfucker . " Maybe that was a Black Flag record . Either way , it was Raymond Pettibon . Last night my daughter picked up an old Black Flag " My War " tape saying " Ringo , Ringo , Ringo , " about the little Hitler character with a knife , if you know it . Here it is : She probably shouldn 't be playing with little Hitler characters . Nice that she has a crush on Ringo Starr . Anyway , I got nothing . Nothing to write about . No subject . I could write some movie reviews but I don 't wanna . State of the world . No . New Year beginning slowly … All right , I wrote some sentences , I feel better .
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Everyone knows that Halloween is my favorite holiday . Perhaps its because growing up with just me , my Dad and my little brother , the typically jovial holidays of Thanksgiving , Christmas and New Years ' were anti - climactic and even downright depressing . It was the worst feeling in the world for a kid to get back from a miserable Christmas vacation only to hear all the other kids bragging about the expensive presents they received , when I would get something worth about $ 30 - - if anything at all ! Halloween was my holiday refuge . Since everyone dressed up for Halloween , it was also the one day where I could blend in and feel comfortable . I could let my freak flag fly , loud and proud ! And I could be who ever I wanted to be on that day . When I pick a costume , I start thinking about it as soon as the day after Halloween , and plan ( in my head ) all year long . I am usually introduced to a person or character , and become obsessed with the idea of being them for a day . I store that person / being in my memory bank , sometime for years , and when it feels right I select that particular idea . Once that years costume is decided upon - I get really into it - planning the most subtle details far in advance . One year , I was Sharon Tate ( dead , of course ) and I went as far as to study her autopsy report to make sure the clothes , wounds , etc . were all historically accurate . Later , as an ode to the success of this past costume and as a token of my appreciation to her spirit for guiding me that night , I made sure to thank the woman herself ! When I saw the film Sin City when it was released back in 2005 , I really didn 't care for it as a whole . But what really stuck out to me was the character Kevin ( played by Elijah Wood ) , and how terrifying and psychotic he looked ! I knew I wanted to be him someday . And a few years ago , this dream became a reality . ( Above : Me as Kevin from Sin City . The secret to pulling off this costume was that everything had to be in black , white or gray like in the film - including my skin . Also , the all - white reflection of the glasses added an extra level of creepiness . ) As Carrie , everywhere I went that night people stopped me to take pictures , ran up to me on the street and yelled , " Carrie ! Carrie ! " and proceeded to hug me ( despite my being completely covered in a blood - like substance ) . I had never felt so loved ! I even won first place in a Halloween costume contest , over hundreds of other people at the club I was at ! It was one of the happiest moments of my life . Not only did I win the affection and acclaim of hundreds , I also won $ 100 in cash , concert tickets and a $ 50 gift certificate to a local sex shop ! Last year is going to be hard to beat . So , I have a character in mind for this year that I have wanted to portray ever since I was a teenager . Laura Palmer . The time just wasn 't right until now . I have all the items in mind necessary to pull this costume off , so last weekend it was time for me to go out and get them , or at least do some preliminary research . But first ! Its always important to celebrate the season by sporting some crazy Halloween designs on your nails for ordinary citizens to enjoy ! I like to give back to the community whenever possible . Have costumes always been this slutty ? Do women actually say , " I want to be a sexy Nurse / Cleopatra / Cop / Waitress / Swiss Milkmaid for Halloween this year ? " Is Halloween just an excuse for us ladies to dress like total skanks ? Believe me , I have no problem with scantilly clad women . But that 's not what Halloween is about ! Is anything sacred ? This is the day for people to get creative and take some time to gather the components for some kooky costumes ! Not to just buy the pre - packaged " Lovely Lolita " or " Hospital Honey " getups ! And women , I think that if you so desire to wear these kind of outfits , you should dress like that anytime of year . Seriously ! Don 't be ashamed . Stop hiding in the preppy shadows and feel free to be the freak that you are ! ( Above : Has my obsession with Twin Peaks gone too far ? I actually held this " Twin Peeks Ski Patrol " costume in my hands for 2 - 3 minutes , contemplating whether or not it had a place in my Twin Peaks memorabilia collection . It even comes complete with a fleshlight ! Err , I mean flashlight . ) Apparently , Halloween also gives men an excuse to be total sex creeps . " Oh , excuse this two foot long phallic projectile that has been bumping into you for the past two hours ' round the punch bowl . . . That 's just my Fire Extinguisher ® ! " Or . " Hey , what 's your name ? Wendy ? I love that name . Oh , what 's my costume all about ? Well , I am a To - Do List of course . And I 'm saving the # 1 spot for you ! " And if you thought this perversion was limited to adults . . . guess again ! Pervert designers and pedo - seamstresses are in a sex - covered sweatshop somewhere right now making these outfits for your children ! Needless to say , my initial goal of finding the pieces for my own costume was completely sidetracked by worried observation and social criticism . How could people be doing this to my day ? I mean , none of these costumes are even spooky ! It ain 't right . So I would like send an S . O . S . to all of my reader ( s ) out there in the vacuum of cyberspace . . . PLEASE refrain from buying any pre - packaged sexual costumes this year - whether you be man , woman or infant ! Its time to take back the night ! Please take a moment right now to come up with an idea ( think spooky , not sexy ! ) , and feel the satisfaction of a day 's hunting for all the pieces that you will need . And if you do decide to go the down and dirty route with your costume , watch your back ! I may send the Hottie Police out to find you . Dennis Hopper was my mentor / benefactor in the dream . Needless to say , he was still alive . He was working on the distribution for his final film ( final because we new he was going to die soon ) , and somehow we had met and he saw a film I had just completed and was blown away . So blown away that he wanted to have my film screened in theaters before his film began , as a condition of his distribution agreement . I had never been so excited ! I was working with him on the completion of his film while waiting for the details of the release , when out of nowhere something happened with the movie studio - industrial - complex where another person 's film was to take the place of mine . Mr . Hopper 's hands were tied . There was nothing he could do if he wanted the final film of his lifetime to be screened before he took a dirtnap . And if that wasn 't disappointing enough , I was expected to work on the completion of my rival 's film , which was an awful , low budget horror movie . So I spent the rest of the dream working on this terrible movie project . My movie was never seen or heard of again , but I was satisfied with the knowledge that it had the support of the legendary Dennis Hopper . So you 're probably wondering what the name of this blog is all about . I think we 've gotten to know each other a little bit better over the past couple of days . . . I 'll grab a couple of blankets if you get the chamomile tea brewin ' . Let 's sit by the fire for this . Or no , let 's get in the jacuzzi . Great , yeah that feels nice . Almost sixteen years ago , I started a zine called Geek Girl from within the confines of my teenage bedroom in Lake Bluff , Illinois . Well , actually the very first issue was called Geek Patrol ! , and soon after I changed it to Geek Girl . I used to glue the templates together using glue sticks and rubber cement , ( before Photoshop , can you imagine ? ) and then sneak into my high school 's copy room after hours to steal copies . I would stay there into the night and staple each issue together , then pass them out to people in the hallway the next day like the dork that I was . My Dean , Dean Hoffmann , who is now the Principal of that high school , still has signed copies of each issue on the shelf in his office . And I met my best friend after I found a fan letter she wrote to me on my desk in Mrs . Gillespie 's U . S . History class . That 's right , I had fans . But don 't worry , I never let the super - stardom go to my head . Unlike Madonna , Britney or Lady Gaga , I never changed . If you don 't believe me , just read a few pages out of one of these relics and you will see how unbelievably similar my writing was back then in comparison to what you are reading right now ! Its like , we 're the same person or something . Wait , what ? After graduating high school one geeky year early at the tender age of 17 , I began an illustrious career at Kinko 's , where I further perfected the art of copying and theft . Issues became fancier and more intricate : color copies , transparencies , bookletting , I mean , you name it . There were no boundaries ! Just as long as I didn 't get caught with my hand in the copy jar . There was even a fan club associated with Geek Girl , called the Secret Geek Society Internacionalé ( or SGSI for short ) . Hence , the name of the URL for this site and even my email address ! If you joined the SGSI you even received a membership card in the mail . Whether you were still in the closet or the " out and proud " type , it was official - you were a geek . Or was I ? It was so long ago . ( Above : The official Secret Geek Society Internacionalé membership card you were required to have on your person at all times , in case you were to die suddenly and not want " Wind Beneath my Wings " played at your funeral . Note : the wet spot pictured is from the card being rubber cemented to the back page of issue # 4 . In retrospect , this unsightly stain was a design flaw , but Kinko 's didn 't offer any special stainless gluing services at the time . ) Its hard to believe that its been over 7 years now since the last issue came out . I really have been slacking . But I thought it was about time to revisit Geek Girl , now by using the most easily accessible form of communication - the internet ! So that 's it in a nutshell . This very blog , GEEK GIRL REVISITED , will be the new home for my thoughts , documentation , informative articles , weird shit , links to my photography , and whatever else I damn well feel like putting up . Welcome . Also , Geek Girl - story will be the tag for an ongoing series of blogs about my roots . There will be more nuggets to come on Geek Girl ( the zine ) , my past film and video work , writing , personal tidbits , photography , old toenail clippings or locks of hair . . . Hopefully I 'll even find an old grocery list for you to enjoy . It will be a blast from the past about anything I deem worthy of sharing with you , my fellow residents of Planet Earth , Milky Way Galaxy . And I 'd like to take the time to give a shout out to my peeps in the beyond , if you 're reading this ! So you aren 't left out , feel free to share your stories with me at secretgeeksociety @ gmail . com . This doesn 't have to be the kind of relationship where I just give , give , give ! You can give too if you would like . If you would like to peruse the very first issue of Geek Girl - Geek Patrol ! - it can be viewed here . Just look for the photo set called " Geek Girl Vol . 1 ( Geek Patrol ! ) . " And before you start hatin ' on it , let me remind you - I was only 14 years old when I made it . Pretty cool I think ! xo Respect ! will be an ongoing series of posts I write about someone who means something to me . It will always be someone who has made a impact on my life or who has been a major influence of mine . . . or even someone who is just a downright good Joe to be around . Anyone who has reflected beams of kindness from their heart to my head is a contender for this honor . I think you get the picture . " Even got the frame . " - Agent Cooper In our celebrity - obsessed culture , so many people receive recognition for doing absolutely nothing " right " or " good . " This was incredibly apparent today when I had the misfortune of watching my very first episode ever of " Jersey Shore . " I was appalled ! These are the people I hear everyone talking about ? On the streets and even on the news ? These are the people on the cover of magazines ? And they are famous ? WHY ? ! Is anyone recognized because they have done something for the greater good ? Made someone food while they were sick ? Helped an old lady across the street ? Saved a life ? Passed a joint ? It remains a mystery as to what the " C . " in his name actually stands for . The story I heard was that his mom ( my Grandma ) wanted his middle name to be Charles and his dad ( my Grandpa ) wanted it to be Chauncy , so they just settled on the initial " C . " Not sure how accurate that is , but call him Chauncy and he will growl at you . He sometimes insists that it stands for " Cash , " which is meant to be funny ' cause he ain 't got none . Recently , my Dad flew here from Chicago to be with me during my surgery and to take care of me in the days afterward . I needed help and he was there . He is the only person on the planet who would , for sure , with 100 % certainty , have my back if I ever needed help . Regardless of whether it be a flat tire or getting bailed out of jail ( not that I ever have been ! ) , he would be there . And for someone who has experienced so much abandonment and loss in my life , his unconditional love means everything to me . Other relationships have come and gone , but my Pappy has always been the one constant . Ever since the day the meteorite landed on Mt . St . Helens ( as it was erupting back in 1980 ) and broke into a million pieces to reveal the egg that I later hatched from , he has been by my side . " You see that building there ? That 's the Prudential Building . When I was a kid , that was the tallest building in Chicago . " - Michael C . East " We know Dad . " - Kids in unison Alright , I know this is sounding cheesy by this point , but I just can 't say enough good things about my Dad ! He is the tops in my book . Sure , he isn 't perfect . He isn 't the best when it comes to being there emotionally . Before he went back home a couple weeks ago , I cried and was telling him I didn 't want him to leave and that I would miss him . And he just kind of sat there silent and couldn 't look at me . I think he just has a tougher shell than me , and he keeps his feelings hidden . So in a lot of ways we are different . But since he is so tough on the outside , when he says something like , " You know your Pappy loves you " or " You 're my number one gal sugar " its really means a lot . My Dad hasn 't had an easy life . I know things were tough for him growing up as the son of a WWII veteran who was an alcoholic and a pretty mean one from what I have heard . He was born in California , but then his family came out to Illinois when Grandpa was stationed at Fort Sheridan . Then he met my Mom and they got married . . . I am not sure if he ever wanted to have kids , but then I came along and my brother Mike . He certainly didn 't plan on raising us on his own after my Mom went splitsville . Things weren 't exactly easy for me either when I lived with him . But I know he was just doing the best that he could . During that time , he went through the deaths of two brothers and both of his parents - - silently . He never talked about what was going on , how he was feeling , or what he was experiencing . And I never saw him cry once . Except that one time he got a little misty eyed when we were watching Old Yeller . Sometimes I wonder what he would say if he could better describe his emotions . I wish I knew that part of him better . Hopefully I will someday . This is why this kind of recognition is so important . For me to be able to express how I feel about amazing individuals not only feels great , but also gives special and often times overlooked human beings the props they deserve ! So respect Michael C . East , you heard ? ! If you see him walking around the streets of Skokie , Illinois - shake the man 's hand ! Or if you see him at the end of the bar , his beer of choice is MGD . Okay , so remember earlier I was telling you about how I have been at home for the past four months waiting for my surgery , and how I am now recovering from said surgery ? Well , let me tell you - being confined to your apartment for this long is no fun ! Alright , I take it back , its fun for about 5 - 9 days and then the fun quickly wears off . For the first couple of weeks I actually paid to download awful teevee shows such as " Celebrity Rehab " from Amazon . com directly to my television just because I was like , " Fuck it ! I 'm in excruciating pain , loopy from painkillers and I just don 't even want to think about anything . Just plop my crippled ass in front of the plasma screen and pump in the garbage . I want to see how the other half lives ! " So after I spent roughly $ 60 on " Celebrity Rehab , " " Sober House " and " The Real Housewives of New Jersey " I knew I had a problem . These shows were rotting my brain , and even worse , I was paying for them ! But before there was even time for an intervention I was able to quit on my own , cold turkey . Dr . Drew would have been so proud . But NOW what was I supposed to do ? Sixteen waking hours laying on the couch immobile is a really long time ! My next thought was , " I never get a chance to read ! This will be great ! " With no end to my time off of work in sight , I had the amazing opportunity to exercise my brain , get smarter , maybe even be able to answer a single question about literature correctly on " Jeopardy ! " someday ? Things were looking up . I knew that the key to re - entering the world of reading was to start with a book that I wouldn 't be able to put down . A real attention - grabber . One that will give me the chills , make me laugh , cry , even throw things perhaps ? A piece of literature that once read , will create a momentum so great it will propel me into a far - off galaxy where people consistently read books from start to finish . A place where eyes have the power to focus on words printed on a page , and where the information read is retained with amazing clarity . You know , somewhere in outer space ! Or the beyond . . . Timbuktu , Narnia . . . whatever you want to call it . I then talked to my roommate , inquiring about such a work . I asked him , " What is the last book you started that you just pounded through because it was so engrossing that you just couldn 't stop ? " He recommended East of Eden . I borrowed it from him , and he was right ! After the first chapter or two , once the characters started being introduced , I became more and more interested . And when I do read , even if its only for an hour or two , I feel like I accomplished something . Let 's face it , its just not easy to read in this day and age ! There are distractions everywhere . Even when I go on vacation , I am always sure to bring a book along . But then I plan so much stuff to do while I am away that I rarely get a moment to sit down , nevermind read . So , I read for an hour each day for a few days , but then my brain workout came to a screeching halt . As my back pain got worse , I was prescribed more painkillers . As the painkillers were increased , my ability to read decreased . I was with stupid once again . So it was back to my Netflix Instant queue . While normally I am an avid film watcher , for some reason the emotional investment required for me to watch the kind of movies I like was just too much to bear in the delicate state that I was in . Instead , for the past few months I have exhausted every tolerable television series available through Netflix , since I don 't have cable . I can 't even remember all of the ones I have watched , but I know there was Law and Order , Law and Order : SVU , Law and Order : Criminal Intent , Veronica Mars , Nip / Tuck , Californication and Dexter . . . Then I became obsessed with reality shows again and watched Miami Ink , LA Ink , Hoarders , Obsessed , Say Yes to the Dress , Pawn Stars , even Dog the Bounty Hunter ( so bad ) ! Of course , there was a few weeks in there where I was questioning my sexuality when I watched The L Word , Transamerican Love Story , Coming Out Stories , The U . S . of Ant , Open Bar . . . you get the picture . I have been no slouch either throughout this thing . I have watched each and every episode from start to finish of every season available . If there was ever a " Jeopardy ! " category called " Television Shows Available through Netflix Instant , " it would be a clean sweep for me ! You 're probably wondering if there could possibly be a point to admitting all of these awful details that no educated weirdo would want ANYONE to know . I am bearing my soul here people . But I do want something in return for these most heinous of admissions . . . I had two fucked up dreams , two nights in a row revolving around characters from television shows I have recently watched on Netflix Instant . What the hell is going on here ? Showtime must be going to some great lengths to place their entertainment products into my very subconscious ! Most recently , I have been watching the Showtime series Dexter . In case you haven 't seen it , the main character Dexter Morgan is a serial killer . It is true that I have had a thing for serial killers in the past ( as a youth I had crushes on Hannibal Lecter , Max Cady and Mr . Blonde ) . And while I do appreciate Michael C . Hall 's execution of this role ( hardy har har ) , I just don 't fancy him to be honest . But in the dream it was another story . We were totally into each other and were making out all hot and heavy , and I knew he was a serial killer and didn 't mind ! Just another beautiful way to start a relationship ? Things got weirder . So me and Dexter were in my bed getting it on , and then he started to undo my pants and opened them up and there was some sort of dead animal , like a chipmunk or gerbil or something , attached to my underwear ! Dexter made some joke about it , and pulled it off of my panties and then threw it somewhere in the room . I was really surprised and embarrassed ( as any girl might be with dead wildlife stuck to her underwear ) , but he put me at ease and we continued our serial killer groupie session . I was traveling through the Alps with David Duchovny ( currently starring in the Showtime series Californication ) . Actually , the beginning of the dream seemed to take place in California , then in Europe and later , more specifically , through the Alps . It seemed like we were both traveling separately and met through some sort of happenstance . . . or was it kismet perhaps ? As we moved from place to place , we kept bumping into each other , then bonded and formed a beautiful friendship . By the time we made it to the Alps , we just started traveling together . It was great ! Companionship , intellectually stimulating conversation , beautiful scenery , fresh air and . . . umm David Duchovny ? It was a dream come true , in the dream that is . The last part I remember before waking up was when David and I visited a glacier in Switzerland . He was sitting indian - style on the glacier and I was laying down in his lap looking up at him and the sky . . . I started telling him how ever since I first saw him play F . B . I . Special Agent Denise Bryson on Twin Peaks when I was a teenager , I have been turned on by transvestites and how I don 't know if I will ever be sexually satisfied unless I date a tranny , due to seeing him play a cross dressing F . B . I . agent at such an impressionable age . He was deeply flattered by my confession , our friendship further blossomed , and he agreed to dress up for me later that night . I was just walking down the street and an elderly Latino woman stood there in her first floor window , looking at me . When I passed by her she said , " I thought - a you were a moviestar ! " It made me feel really special for some reason . In reality , I have felt not so special for the past couple weeks . Today is the thirteenth day following my surgery . The surgeon said that it was a success , but I honestly don 't feel any different than before . My neck and back still hurt in exactly the same spots , and my right arm still kills me . Maybe it is still early , and once I am able to go physical therapy things will get better ? I hope so . My friend Phil texted me last week , " How 's the Colombian necktie feeling ? " For a second I thought , " Good one ! " because I had never heard that term before and it was pretty clever I gotta admit ! Then I cried . I don 't know what I expected the scar to look like . Its not that I thought it would be any better or worse than it ended up being . Its just that initial shock of when you first see it in the mirror and that its really on your skin and its permanent . . . Its hard to explain . Its like a war wound . Although even more apparent . A very visible kind of baggage to have to explain for the years to come . As if there wasn 't enough of that already ! I did a lot of crying the first few days after the surgery . Things got really bad too when my Dad had to go back to Chicago on October 4th . I was upset partly because I still needed someone to help me out and partly because each time I see him I am afraid it will be the last time . Crazy I know . But I am really lucky he came here for the surgery , because I don 't know how I would have eaten or moved or even reached for the remote for those few days without him . This whole year of being injured and out of work for so long , then being incapacitated and helpless after surgery and with little help from others has been a strange experience . I have always felt as though I have been cursed / blessed to have experienced things early relative to other people my age : abandonment , grief , psychological issues , now even physical illness and injury . This year , I feel like I have definitely experienced what it must be like for older women who don 't have a family of their own or anyone to help them as they become more and more a prisoner of their aging bodies . The waiting , wondering : Will anyone stop by this week ? How will I get food in the house ? How will I change that lightbulb in the hallway ? Will this pain ever go away ? Will I have to pay someone to come and take the air conditioner out of my window ? Is this what life is all about ? Is it really worth it ? It is definitely a humbling experience to question whether you can physically manage your basic needs on a daily basis . I have also observed that for the most part people seem to be terrified of illness - uncomfortable even talking to or being around someone who is ill or injured ( even with non - life threatening injuries like mine ) . Is it because it reminds people of their own mortality ? What about illness causes people to behave so . . . inhumanly ? Its almost like people think they will catch something if they spend time around someone who 's sick or injured . A lot of people get totally weird and disappear , even stop calling . In a way , I think illness is just another one of life 's magnifying glasses . . . revealing truths about oneself , about what is truly important to you , about who is a real friend and who isn 't . Its yet another lesson ; a blessing in disguise . A cold , lonely blessing mostly , but one I am doing my best to embrace . So the part of me that still has the will to live and the power to fight to regain my strength came bubbling up to the surface yesterday . This part took me on a 23 minute walk to Porter Square to join a gym . A ladies only gym . A real fancy one with exercisin ' machines and cardio funk classes and saunas and whirlpools . . . Did I mention already that its for ladies ONLY ? And what is it about a ladies only gym that makes everyone get so . . . naked ? There are totally naked ladies EVERYWHERE . Its like an " art film " in there . " J ' aime le gymnase ? " I might even be turned on if it weren 't for all the painkillers . So , hopefully this new , improved , more erotic gym will help me on the road to recovery . I have to become tough ! Buff ! Impervious to degeneration , oxidation and especially defenestration . Bulletproof .
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What hell is this ? The brave new world we have bequeathed our children is more frightening than I imagined , and the remedy is gonna make me one of the most hated moms on the block . Boo fucking hoo . Sponsored links What hell is this ? The brave new world we have bequeathed our children is more frightening than I imagined , and the remedy is gonna make me one of the most hated moms on the block . Boo fucking hoo . Daisy 's daughter Pansy has matured faster than my own daughter , who is still very much a little girl , in both looks and interests . Pinkie and her best friend GingerGirl spend their free time tending flocks of sheep on Minecraft , making muffins , doing their nails and they have recently developed an intense interest in rocks . For Christmas , both the girls have asked for rock polishers and cutters . The plan is to polish up quartz and lapis lazuli and make jewellery for themselves and their friends . Pansy , who is the same age as Pinkie , is much more of a stereotypical " pre - teenager " and Daisy , quite rightly if you ask me , is working to make sure that Pansy doesn 't grow up too fast . Daisy 's husband is a very involved father although he works long hours to support his family . Daisy has lots of sensible rules in place for Pansy over what kinds of clothes she can wear , what kinds of music she can listen to , what she can watch on TV and she monitors Pansy 's use of social media pretty closely . A few weeks ago , Pansy brought home an older girl for Daisy to meet . I 'll call her Peaches , because she really is a Peach , through no fault of her own . Peaches is the product of a single mother , and has no relationship of any kind with her father . She 's an academically smart girl , and seems ambitious and aware and despite being raised in poverty ( as the children of single mothers tend to be ) , she really appeared to have it together . When Pansy asked to go to Peaches house for a weekend play date , Daisy drove her over , met the mother and did all the things vigilant moms are supposed to do . She left Pansy and Peaches playing Just Dance on the Wii and thought nothing more of it . The girls would spend the afternoon together and get some exercise and have fun ! How do you deal with something like this ? That is what Daisy and I talked about , for most of our conversation . How the hell do you react to something like that ? Obviously , Peaches will not be setting foot anywhere near Pansy again , and Pansy knows that what she did was wrong and dangerous and foolish and she feels wretched about her behavior . Should Daisy call Child Services ? Will the girl be better off in foster care ? Will taking her away from her idiot of a mother have any impact on whether she continues to vie for male attention , because that 's what the poor girl is doing . She wants to feel loved and beautiful and powerful and has no example of what a mature , loving man looks like or acts like , and reporting her to child services isn 't going to change that . Daisy did call her cousin , who is a police officer , but there is nothing they can do . Even if they had an IP address , which they don 't , it 's probably a proxy server or a temporary inbox that can 't be traced . The police have neither the manpower nor the technology to track down every video of underage girls dancing naked in cyber space . How can we , as parents , be vigilant about this kind of stuff ? Daisy did every reasonable thing she could do , and her daughter is still … . I can 't bring myself to call her a " victim " because the only thing she is a victim of is her own incredibly poor judgement . She 's only a twelve year old girl , though , and twelve year old girls need help making the right decisions . It 's not enough to just know what the right decision IS , she has to have the confidence and maturity to follow through . Obviously there are some single mothers who are doing a stellar job , but they 're pretty easy to pick out . They 're older , financially stable , own their own homes and are surrounded by a loving family with lots of male role models . Those aren 't the typical single mothers , though . The ones who are young and poor with no real job skills or accomplishments of any kind are probably single mothers as a result of sheer stupidity , and yes , I 'm deeply suspicious of their children . In no way do I blame the children - it was not their choice . Something else I have decided is a deal breaker is kids who have computers or televisions in their own rooms . My children use social media very sparingly at the moment , and I monitor every bit of it . They play on Minecraft with other people , on a computer that is in our living room with the screen facing outwards , so I can see any interaction at any time . My daughter posts pictures of kittens and cupcakes and puppies and newborn giraffes to Instagram , where she and her friends compete to get " likes " for who posted the cutest picture . I see every picture that she posts , and every picture that everyone else posts , too . The real question for me is do I shatter my daughter 's innocence by talking to her about what happened with Pansy ? My husband feels that it 's simply a lesson for us that we need to be absolute dictators when it comes to who our children are allowed to spend time with . If other parents hate us , so be it . Fuck them . I shared this story with GingerGirl 's mom , and we spent a long time talking about how we personally dealt with things like peer pressure and wanting to be liked and be cool and popular , and it really comes down to one thing : you have a group of friends and you have each other 's backs . That is what has changed so dramatically in our culture , especially for girls . The " strong independent " message has been translated into " abandon each other " . Boys still seem to understand the concepts of loyalty and unity and that when your friends are about to make really bad choices , you step in and use whatever tools you have to prevent that from happening . Mockery , aggression , insults , whatever - you keep each other safe . How did young women come to lose that aspect of their own culture ? When I think of the Rehteah Parson 's case , in particular , what strikes me as so unbelievable is that she was with a girlfriend who could see that Rehteah was about to make a really , really bad decision , and who knew Rehteah was really , really drunk , and she just left her there to face the consequences . Now , in fairness to the girlfriend , she did return to the house later with her own mother to try and persuade Rehteah to leave , but reportedly , to no avail . When the time comes , that is what I plan to teach my daughters , in particular . When Pinkie is at a party and something like the Rehteah Parson 's situation is happening , you do NOT leave that girl . You call me , you call your Dad , you call an adult to come and help you . And I plan on letting my daughter 's friends know that in the horrifying case where it is MY daughter who is loaded out of her mind and about to do something really stupid that she will deeply regret , you do NOT leave her . You call us . I want to shout it out off the rooftops , " Do not allow computers in a private area of the home . Keep them in the kitchen , dining room or living room , where what 's onscreen is totally visible to anyone any time . " I never even allowed TV 's in my boys ' bedrooms - I felt it was too solitary an environment . Kids need our supervision , but it is a fine line between monitoring and smothering and that 's why parenting is not a task for the faint - hearted or the stupid , but sadly we can 't control others , only that which happens in our own homes . I find that keeping an open line of communication between parent and child is imperative - never make them feel inhibited about what they can tell you and never let them forget that they are loved unconditionally . They will undoubtably make mistakes , but that 's how they learn and feeling free to talk to a parent without fear of judgement is essential . ( For the record , although I am a single father , I did NOT initiate it . In fact , I tried to work to save things , even to the point of forgiving her infidelity . But the culture of " if you 're not happy , get out " convinced her that it wasn 't worth working at , it was better to cut her losses , and out she went . ) I have no idea how I 'll handle it when my 7 year old is old enough to be on his own . Right now , he 's at school , he 's with me , or he 's with a baby sitter . ( Or his Mom , on the weekends ) . I imagine it 'll depend on how responsible he ends up being . My older two were very responsible ( they 're in college now , and I 'm as certain as a parent can be that they have not experimented with drugs or sexuality or sexting or any of that stuff … Almost to the point of repression , which bothers me a little bit , but at least they 're safe ) . I hate having to say this , but it is absolutely true , kids in single parent households are not going to be as good influences on average than those in married households . For several reasons . As you point out , there 's the craving for adult attention from the other parent . There 's only one parent , so there are more times when the energy is just sapped out and things slip that maybe shouldn 't . And there 's only ONE parent , so if that one parent makes poor decisions ( " They 're just having a bit of fun … " ) , there isn 't another parent there to say " Um , what the hell are you thinking ! Of course that 's not appropriate ! " I dated a single mother for a while . I loved her , I loved her daughters , but I could not get past ( among other things ) the fact that she had a child with a man whom she considered disposable . Never told HIM that , but she told me several times that she always knew that she wasn 't in it with him for the long haul , she had kids with him because tick tick tick … These things will only get worse until women ( starting with little girls ) once again live in a world where shame is allowed to coexist with pride ; where there is no esteem without honor ; where shifting sands of moral relativism blow away and the internal compass is allowed to anchor in absolutes . Sure , plenty of men need to be anchored and re - introduced to shame , but men are also not excused from reality nearly as often or as encompassing as women are in our culture . Shaming of men is a staple . The goalposts may be moved around according to the imperatives of the feminine , but the shame has remained . I rarely hear men say / write : " Don 't judge me … " . It is so common with women that it is practically one of the pillars of online dating profiles . Our culture his killed God , removing anything external from the discussion , anything absolute , anything that does not or cannot be immediately converted into something tangible or advantageous or gratifying . And it is not up to men . We can 't judge and thus cannot shame . We cannot exercise our moral beliefs or preferences beyond our own choices and ( guarded ) actions because the rhetoric has embedded those things in the Patriarchy . We cannot lead in this . We have no voice . Thought police and political correctness make sure of that . If there is a way out , it is up to women like you and your daughter . God Speed . Welcome to the " real " world , the world for most people . Really all I can say is be very very grateful that you learned this lesson before it was YOUR daughter striping for strangers on the internet . You now have the knowledge and tools to protect at least one little girl from this . Well I don 't totally buy the idea that it 's single parents that are the cause of this . I grew up with both parents and I ' chose ' to be a good kid and my brother and sister did not . My parents went half insane trying to corral them to no avail . My older sister ' chose ' to straighten up later but my younger brother didn 't . My point is if you have a kid that doesn 't want to listen there isn 't much you can do to make them anymore ( beating , etc ) . I 'm a product of a single mother too , so I 'm probably biased . Unlike this poor girl in JB 's story I always knew my dad well . I really think that what parents model for a child is what that child will do . I never saw my parents drinking when I was growing up so I never had an urge to do that myself . On the other hand , both my parents are emotionally - stunted rageaholics so now I am one too . Peach 's mother is probably a floozy with no boundaries so she is too . Not THE cause , but the condition of single parenthood would create conditions under which things like this would flourish , no ? No matter how much feminism would like it to not be so , little boys and little girls crave both a mother and a father . Kids without a father grow up without an understanding of what a man should be , and therefore don 't understand what male attention even is , much less which is positive and which is negative . They only know that they crave the attention , so they do things to gain the attention of men who enter their lives , by whatever means . Boys tend to gain that male attention by pushing boundaries and getting in trouble . Girls tend to evolve their trouble making into more sex - based attention getting schemes as they enter adolescence , once again as they realize that their sex has power , but are unable to understand that because they 've had no male influence or example in their lives . IE , they become like Peaches … I grew up with both parents and I ' chose ' to be a good kid and my brother and sister did not . Two things here . First , good parents raise bad kids sometimes . I have an aunt and an Uncle who raised two awesome individuals , and one absolute piece of trash loser . The biggest difference that I see in the lives of those kids all boils down to one thing - choice of friends . My aunt and uncle made the mistake of being too permissive about who their kids hung around with . Their son was into basketball , so he ended up hanging around with jocks - motivated winners who knew the value of hard work and responsibility to something outside of themselves . Their third daughter was quiet and withdrawn , so she didn 't have any friends other than a girl that lived two houses down who was also quiet and mousey , and so they spent their time playing quietly and harmlessly . The middle daughter met up with a bad crowd late in high school , tried drugs , and went from being a straight A student and a concert - level cellist , to a street rat meth head pregnant with the first of a couple unwanted kids about 6 months later . Second , bad parents sometimes raise good kids . I don 't know which is your condition , so I 'm not casting judgment because I simply don 't have the data to make such a judgment , so take all this with a grain of sugar , please . Sometimes overly - permissive , non - disciplinarian , or downright neglectful parents manage to spawn a good kid on occasion . Did your parents know your friends ? Did they require that they knew where you were ( within reason ) at all times until you moved out of their house ? Were you required to check in at regular intervals ? Did your friends ever come over to your house ? From whom did you learn about the birds and bees ? Did you own your own car , or drive one of your parent 's cars , the control over which they kept ? Or did they reasonably explain why things needed to be their way , and apply leverage via appropriate consequences to actions ? Did your delinquent brother 's driver 's license ever get tossed in the shredder ? Or did they just yell at him for being bad ? Did he ever get his car taken away ? Or did your parents just threaten and then let him go out again that night , because it was easier ? You always have leverage over minor children , no matter how defiant they are , until they literally run away ( and at that point , you 've pretty much lost the battle , but you don 't have to give up - go find their ass ) . You give your kids things , as horrible as it sounds , simply so you can have something to take away if they fall out of line . Buy your daughter a car , go for it . But take that shit away as quickly as you bought it if she doesn 't toe the line . Next in line is her driving privileges . After that , her driver 's LICENSE ( suspension , revocation , confiscation , then eventual destruction ) . All of the USEFUL tools to raising a successful , well - adjusted child are still available to parents , even in these modern days . Beating a child was never a good solution - yeah , you may have terrified them into toeing the line , but you 've also broken their spirit in the process , which is as damaging to a child as allowing them to run rampant . Spanking is still available and widely accepted by all but the most militant of idiots , but to be honest , I don 't think it makes a huge difference , either , for the same reason . " Do as I say , or I 'll hurt you ! " does not seem like a very good parenting scheme to me . You don 't have to tell her the whole story . Maybe it would be enough to say " I 've told you not to talk to strangers , remember ? Well that goes for computers too . I know a girl who was pressured into talking to some strangers on a computer and it didn 't go well and now she feels terrible about it . " I am also , however , very much in JBs camp in terms of trying to guide rather than forbid . I find that children are very much like grains of sand . You can hold them gently in your hands and they 'll stay put , but if you try to grab too tightly , they 'll start to slip through your fingers . Kids with an appropriate level of supervision and restriction ( and , by the way , a CONSISTENT level ) tend to be safe and happy and , even when they bristle against the restrictions , feel secure because they understand them . There are different degrees of single parenthood , and if you 're worried about being too harsh , it 's probably good to distinguish between widows , divorcees and SMbS ( single mommy by stupidity ) . Widows are the minority , although with the current military actions the US is waging , there 's still plenty of them , and these women are probably pretty safe . Their task is much harder since they are alone to raise a kid , but chances are they would never think something like what happened to your friend 's kid was " just good fun " , especially if their late husband was military . Divorcees are a mixed bag , because it could be the husband 's decision , and even if they had been terrible wives , it doesn 't mean they 're necessarily terrible mothers , so I 'd say use your judgement . But SMbS , hell no ! If she doesn 't have enough restraint to not have a kid who hasn 't committed to her , she is likely careless , thinks with her genitals and sees promiscuity as totally ok , even for her kid . Your decision to shun these people is perfectly understandable . Now , about what to do and how to speak with your kids . I never had any desire to do crazy thinks as a teenager ( there were some prank calls , some slightly dangerous activities , but for the most part it I was a clam kid ) . Maybe it was simply my nature , and you just can 't prevent some kids from doing some really stupid things , but I would attribute it also to two things . One , my friends came from good backgrounds , solid families that had an interest in their children 's education ( private school , may not be for everyone , but consider it ) , so the kids who were really troublesome were the minority , and weren 't " cool " at all among our group , so nobody wanted to follow them or imitate their behavior . Two , my parents did restrict my movements a bit , but I feel like what really kept me from doing the very stupid stuff was simply not wanting to disappoint them . I think letting your kids know that you 're proud of them when they excel , and ashamed of them when they get in trouble is a very powerful motivator , so long as you yourself set the good example . They 'll still want to explore and will still make mistakes , but they will want to be the best they can until they 're old enough to have their own sense of worth , of where they want to be in life and what they want to accomplish . This sort of judgement is best reserved for the dad and the " conditional love " fathers seem to be good at , so that 's something your husband should keep in mind . She was inconsolable ! I learned a very powerful lesson about being careful with my words that day , and also recognized that one of the best ways for me to make sure they would behave well was to try to always be a father they wanted to not disappoint , along with making it clear what behaviors would disappoint me . Not what behaviors would get them in trouble or were forbidden , but would make me disappointed . ( Mild correction . I said " I am so disappointed . " I didn 't even say " in you . " Not that it matters , but I 'm compelled to get the story right . ) I have no problem minimizing the agency of children below a certain age . You just have to make sure that you treat boys and girls the same way . ( ie . if Peaches was interacting with 12 year old boys , we 'd assign the boys the same lack of agency that the girls have ) As someone who grew up on foster care , I 've got to say you 're doing the right thing . A lot of foster parents I 've known have ruined their relationships with their own children by taking in foster kids . It 's one thing to take in a new born infant and having the freedom to rear the child as you see proper , but the same doesn 't work for children over more than four or five years old . In regards to Pansy , she is still responsible for her actions . One thing I had to fight against growing up in a liberal society is this idea that the kid is always the victim . There were times where the child was the victim . I had a foster mother who was physically abusive . Having been a bed wetter , more than once I was stripped down and made to run circles around the house ( they lived out in the country ) , often after the sun had gone down . And there are times where the kids are the ones at fault . I can 't count the number of times I 've seen a foster child steal from the people who opened their doors to them or do crazy crap like slashing tires . ( One foster brother of mine tried to steal a car and run off , where to I have no idea but I don 't think he had much of a plan to begin with . ) The kids would justify doing this crap the same way feminist would justify intentionally doing something harmful towards men : they deserved it , they have everything and that 's not fair , I 'm the victim here and I 'm just taking what 's mine . / Intellectually , I can see how unfair that is . Emotionally , I don 't give a fuck . You could apply this same logic to almost the entirety of feminism . Is it unfair to some women that men tend to like similar things in women , and many men have a preference for some race / hair color / whatever ? Yes . But in every individual case the fact that it 's unfair doesn 't really matter . Jb , I have one thing to say . Call the police . Don 't call child services . Don 't call your cousin who is a cop . Call the police department and file a report . Everyone reading this is now legally complicit until the report is filed . We 're not in the same jurisdiction . We 're not even in the same country . I 'm not sure I understand what you mean by legally complicit ? Which police do I report this to ? The ones here or the ones where Daisy lives ? I was with you until the complicit . What can those of us reading do ? We don 't know ( most of us ) JB 's real name . We certainly don 't then know the real name or location of HER friend , I 'd wager money that neither the name of the friend nor the daughter is the actual name . This is a horrible story . The mother in question should have her daughter taken away , the daughter should ( depending on HOW MUCH older than Pansy she is ) be prosecuted , at the very least this should be carefully investigated to ensure that the facts are as presented above ( not doubting JB , but the story came from a teenager , through a mother , to a mother 's friend , to us . There was plenty of opportunity in there for mistakes in translation and other inaccuracies to creep in ) . I read this on my lunch break . I felt I had to reply , but I was trying to type quickly on a smart phone . As a rresult , I may not have chosen the best words . Complicit might be too strong a word , in the legal sense . Reading this , I get a knot in my stomach . It reminds me of the stories of rape victims screaming while neighbours hear and do nothing . The purpose of Police is to investigate crime . There certainly was a crime here . JB , you have brought it to my attention and I feel I have an obligation to advise a police report . I 'm not so sure I agree there was a crime committed here . I mean , in the strictest legal sense , yes , absolutely . Peaches is a few weeks away from her 14th birthday , so she is definitely underage . There just seems to me to be such an obvious difference between raping a four year old on film , and encouraging a couple of preteen girls to strip naked and dance . Yes , they should probably both be criminalized , but they should not be in the same category . There is a huge difference in magnitude , by my estimation . Should the men know better ? Probably . I refuse to cast them as " pedophiles " though , because in my mind there is a world of difference between being sexually attracted to children and to very young women . An almost 14 year old is biologically almost certainly capable of reproduction , which means she is going to be sexually appealing to lots of men . I would say it 's a tough call . Perhaps it 's my sense of helplessness . I really want the mother of Peaches to answer for her actions . I just think that if it was my daughter , distraught and confused , I 'd be calling someone with some authority . I think the responsability lies with Daisy to report the activity . Isn 't she obligated to report a crime with a child victim ? Morally , I would feel it is my responsibilty to put a stop to it in any way possible . Peaches is encouraging others to be victimized . How many others have been or will be included in her little game . It should be stopped . Where else can this lead . Re : Looking out for your friends : I always thought that this was implicit in the friend contract . You don 't leave your buddy to the wolves . Amazingly enough , I thought that this was even more strongly reinforced in female circles , but I 've been proven wrong on more than one occasion , and my wife has also told me that I 'm wrong , and that my pals and I have a lot stronger " wingman " rule than her and her friends ever had . I 've taken some of the biggest risks of my life in sticking by my friends in their time of need . The only time in my life I ever got behind the wheel of a car while intoxicated was to drive my buddy away from a situation where he 'd gotten drunk , belligerent , gotten in a fight , and had a half dozen dudes gunning for him . I got him the hell out of there . I also punched one of my buddies in his face one time to keep a couple of other dudes from beating the hell out of him when he got mouthy . My way of looking at it was a careful punch to the face from a friend was better than hospitalization ( he agreed , and actually thanked me the next day ) . As for kids in stupid situations , my Dad had a rule with me , and I will do the same for my kids . The rule said that no matter what , no matter where , no matter what time , if you needed help , or just a ride home , you WILL call me , and I WILL be there . Period . That may not preclude a massive ass - chewing and some consequences after the fact if you were doing something stupid , but the consequences will be far less severe than what you 'd face if you hadn 't called for help . Also , on the single parent front , I know from the experience of my wife that one of the most psychologically damaging things that a single parent can do ( and most of them DO do ) is to parade the next in a long , endless string of fuck buddies in front of your kids . These kids crave a Dad . They 'll try to size up any old shitheel that you bring home for the job , and when he leaves forever , a little piece of the hope that they had to having a Dad leaves with him , and each subsequent " him " that leaves takes a little more . This young girl , " Peaches " wants a Dad , too , or at least a solid , stabilizing male presence in her life . She is completely confused as to how to obtain one ( and who can blame her , what with her Mom 's example ? ) and so she 's doing it entirely wrong . But that 's all this is - a confused kid with Daddy issues , because she never had one , trying to fix those issues by getting male attention and not understanding that the male attention that she 's getting won 't fill the void in her life , and is negative as opposed to positive attention . The Internet is a technological and cybernetic New World . There be dragons , savages , wild beasts , and more . It falls to you to let your children know just how dangerous the Internet can be if you are not cautious . It is not an electronic library , it is a nation of anarchy and secrecy . I second the recommendation to prohibit computer use away from public areas and to monitor it closely . My daughter spent the first 4 years of her life as the child of a single parent ; it was a case of " father wanted an abortion , mother didn 't " . When he found out , he went out , got drunk , drove home and killed himself and the other two passengers in the car . Also , he was an asshole . Anyway , I came along 4 years later , and my daughter has had a computer of her own ever since then . Until she was 12 , she was closely supervised and educated as to safety on the Internet . At 12 , we gave ourselves a reality check based on her own maturity and decision making , and decided it was safe enough to let her build a computer for her own room . She was , however , fully aware that I had full access to everything that she sent or received ( yes , I 'm a techie ) . The only times that I ever had cause to use that access were at her own request , when she thought that people she was talking to seemed suspicious ( she 's really rather proud of the fact that one of those times , the information she 'd given us helped law enforcement catch a sex offender in breach of his release conditions ) . What 's the point of this ? Proper education by parents FROM AN EARLY AGE can mitigate against the natural conditions and tendencies of the modern teenager . The problem inherent in this is that parents need to know enough to educate their kids from such an early age ; far too many seem to think that ignorance of the Internet is something they should be proud of , and rely on inherently flawed software filters to do their parenting for them . As regards banning alcohol / sex / etc , I 'm in full agreement . When my daughter came home in tears at 13 because her friends were ragging on her due to the fact that she 'd never been drunk , we decided on an alternate approach : I took her to the supermarket and bought one of every kind of alcoholic drink we could find . We ordered pizza , and proceeded to get drunk trying every single one , so that she could find out what she liked and what she didn 't . Aside from making me the coolest dad in the school , this had one important effect : it taught her that there was nothing she couldn 't talk to us about . It also showed her where her limits were , and to this day she 's never been past the point of being tipsy because she just doesn 't like it . In other words , she 's acquired an awareness of self that it took my generation an awful lot of mistakes to learn . As so many have said before me … education , not intimidation . That 's the key . At least , it has been with my daughter . She 's 18 now , and despite all the people telling us how irresponsible it was to give her a computer in her room , get her drunk , allow her to have sex with her boyfriend at 16 ( which is the age of consent here ) … she 's never been groomed by a paedophile without catching them in the act , she 's never been arrested , she 's never been pregnant , and she 's got a far clearer idea of what she wants to do with her life than I ever did . I mostly operate on the principle of " respond to questions honestly " , but wait for the child to ask . That 's kind of where I 'm tripping on this one . I want to give my children the information they need to make good choices , but I also don 't want to show scary information on them before they are ready . I lean towards the truth , but only when asked , and I only give the minimal response . I could have turned that into a big long discussion about sex , but all she wanted to know was the definition of one particular word . I trust that when she wants to know more , she 'll ask me , because I 've set the precedent for truth - telling . Frankly , the only advice I can give you is to not second - guess yourself . The process of helping your child navigate their teenage years - especially daughters , these days - is fucking terrifying from one day to the next . Yes , you have to trust that your education and guidance will prompt them to come to you when necessary , but I personally don 't think you should just wait for her to ask you . Sometimes , you really do need to give her thought process a hefty nudge in the right direction . Ultimately , I believe that the role of parents is to help their kids to avoid the mistakes they made and make better choices . I 'm not saying we 've done it perfectly - hell , we 've screwed the pooch big - time on occasions - and our daughter has made some very questionable decisions . That in itself is important , but learning from our bad examples has helped her to dodge the situations which could 've led to long - term consequences . Heh . When my daughter asked how babies got out of " mommy 's tummy " , she laughed for most of a week , absolutely certain we were pulling her leg . It was terribly amusing . Long answer ? That doesn 't preclude talking to her about it in a way that won 't shatter her innocence . Change the names to protect the innocent , you know ? Tell her a story about this person you know , who was pressured into doing something she didn 't want to do . You 're a smart cookie , you get the picture . … Pinky isn 't as innocent as you think she is . You won 't shatter that which doesn 't exist , and she probably already knows about incidents like this one , if not this one , already . She 's just smart , and you 're equating one ( intelligence ) into the other ( innocence ) . She 's heard about things like this . Maybe she hasn 't heard about this particular incident , but she knows people who 've done similar things . She 's felt the pressure to do them , herself . Because she 's smart , she doesn 't do them , and because she 's smart , she doesn 't tell you about this stuff because it probably doesn 't even occur to her that you would even want to know , one , and two , she is probably protecting you on some level from what she knows will sort of freak you out … … so , if I have any advice at all , you need to present this on a level that lets her know that you WON ' T freak out , and that she can come to you to talk about things like this without the consequences being too great for her to bear ( and that includes you taking any action at all , assuming no one is in imminent danger , because if you do , then everyone will know that she told you ) . My guess ? You won 't reveal anything to her that she doesn 't already know , EXCEPT for the fact that you are worldly enough to know about things like this , and able to help her deal with them if they ever come up in her life . THAT ' S what you 'll teach her by having this talk , and THAT is the most valuable thing you have to offer her in this situation . Leave well enough alone . Your only action beyond what you 've already done is prepare Pinkie for the inevitable day when she 's dealing with something like this , and part of that preparation is that you 'll always have her back , and that you 'll know what to do . Because she probably doesn 't know that now . Mom 's are just such , fuddy duddies , you know ? They just don 't UNDERSTAND … . Some wise advice . I think I will take it . I 'll let you know how the conversation goes . We 'll probably discuss it tonight when I brush and braid her hair before bed . It 's our little daily ritual that usually involves some conversation about things that are on her mind . Excellent advice from Goober . Remember that children aren 't as " innocent " as you might think : like your post about the 14yo duck face photos on Facebook , here we have a starter stripper - and - whore at 12yo . One who almost started Pansy down the same life - track . From the CDC : 40 . 7 % of all children are born to unmarried women , between the ages of 15 - 44 years . That 's a whole lot of very poor character being passed on to their bastard offspring - that you have chosen to fight , good luck in it . Peer pressure can be a near - impossible thing to fight amongst Herd Woman ™ . Interesting that this statistic is on the CDC website , the Center for Disease Control . Despite the mealy - mouthed media and lunatic feminist rantings , society still considers this behaviour to be a disease and reports it accordingly . It almost gives a small glow of hope that there is still common - sense and values out there . This is why nobody in the Manosphere considers anything with a solo / single mommy to be serious . We know that they 're feral , they pass it on to their children , and that will include your children too if you marry them and have more kiddies . Say no to single mommies , both as love - interests and as friends and their children being friends to your kiddies . … you have a group of friends and you have each other 's backs . That is what has changed so dramatically in our culture , especially for girls . The " strong independent " message has been translated into " abandon each other " . Boys still seem to understand the concepts of loyalty and unity and that when your friends are about to make really bad choices , you step in and use whatever tools you have to prevent that from happening . Mockery , aggression , insults , whatever - you keep each other safe . Ah , but you see , sex isn 't something that boys need protection from . So , in essence , by convincing girls to treat their sexuality with no seriousness whatsoever , you are turning girls into boys . Boys are still loyal and whatnot , but they protect each other from what they know can harm other boys , and sex and exposure to sex is not one of them . Most modern , developed - world women have been fully convinced that they are no different from men , so why do they need protection from a sexual encounter ? That 's where this disconnect is , with women believing they 're the same as men . What this leads to is exactly what your story with the single - mom describes … namely , single mothers who think nothing of letting their daughters sexually interact with all kinds of strangers on the internet , giving away the goods before they 've even stopped baking . That , by the way , is a horrific story . Frankly , I want women to start excluding single moms again . Kick them out of your parties and playdates and social clubs … There * should * be shame in raising a child by yourself . Women * should * realize that it harms children to do so . Having a frank discussion about the consequences of choices ( and submitting to peer pressure is a choice ) doesn 't shatter innocence . I 've read most of your entries and I know JB that you are a parent that takes preparation for the real world very seriously . At 12 , a discussion about the consequences of choices , and the power of peer pressure is age appropriate . Your daughter hasn 't entered the rebellious teenage stage but that phase of trying to grow apart and establish an independent identity can start at any time now . More importantly it can start at any time for one or more of her friends . I 'd recommend starting that conversation with a discussion about the teenage phase of rebellion . Explain that it 's normal , that you and Mr . JB expect it . That nothing she does will surprise the two of you during that phase . That you love her even when she 's trying to establish new boundaries in the relationship between you . It 's important that Pinky know her feelings are normal , but it also plants the seed that her choices aren 't going to really drive you away and create the distance she 'll instinctively crave . It may sound like an odd message , but from my own personal experience growing up , knowing that what I contemplated doing wasn 't going to have the " piss my mom off " effect I wanted , short circuited that whole process . I still developed a healthy distance emotionally without doing the sort of bad things with nasty consequences that I at first considered looking for that emotional payoff . Plus , I can 't see any downside at all to letting your daughter know that you love her that much . It 's important to plant that idea early , before she enters that rebellious phase so it isn 't tuned out as parental noise etc . Such a conversation also naturally segues into a discussion of peer pressure . Explaining that it 's not just normal for Pinky to feel that way , but that all the kids her own age do feel that way too , or will feel that way eventually . When other kids , even her friends want to do things , or pressure Pinky to do things her parents wouldn 't approve of , she 'll know why . She 'll have a good foundation to resist the temptation and be more likely to intervene for a friend about to make a terrible mistake . Because Pinky will have learned from you , that it 's not going to have the consequence desired . Explaining factors like a child of a single mother 's need for male approval and bad decisions that spring from that , are probably beyond Pinky 's frame of reference right now , as she has two loving parents and so it would be hard to relate . But I think having a discussion about normal rebellion will give her the tools to deal with the situation even without a firm understanding of the other kid 's motivation . This leads to the final point I think it 's important for a young person about to transition toward adulthood to understand . That all choices have consequences that we cannot always see in advance . That parents , even loving parents like yourselves can 't protect their child from all the consequences of their actions no matter how much you would like to . So it 's important that Pinky know that it 's o . k . to refuse to do something , until she understands and is willing to bear the consequences of her choices . That when another person pressures her to do something , that other person doesn 't have to bear the consequences of the decision to do it , only she does . All that may seem like a lot for a 12 year old to handle , but I don 't think it is . I think modern society has lost sight of the fact that a couple centuries ago , with less education and no social safety net , society at large expected 14 - 15 year olds to be adults , to even start getting married and be parents . So 12 in my opinion isn 't too early to start understanding consequences and responsibilities . One of our older daughters ' best friends comes from a single mother home , and the rule is that she can come to our house but our daughter can 't go there . The mother was furious when our daughter innocently said that to her ( we had to have a conversation about not repeating everything mom and dad say ) , and I was sorry to offend her , but that 's just the way it is . My advice is that you are doing the right thing by forbidding your children to play at the homes of single mothers , but have a talk with your kids first about not mentioning that fact so that you don 't have to deal with an angry single mother who 's not used to anyone judging her . An argument for satisficing and exercising the right to rational ignorance ? Generally correct . Yet … in personally important matters , isn 't it better to make an informed decision than an ignorant one ? The ability to read Wikipedia articles is hardly " exalted " or ever less " spiritual " . Gathering information on any subject was never easier than in the age of Internet that we are living in . The problem isn 't that too little information is available , but TOO MUCH . On the other hand , using the Bible as the main source of guidance regardless of how tenuous its connection with the actual situation seems equally counterproductive . An example - various religious objections to transfusion of blood , stem cell therapy , or organ transplants . How sound and relevant are they , in general ? Much as the manosphere made of staying away from batshit crazy horse women recently , my girls were both in the US Pony Club starting at 9 years old until they were 19 years old . Most of their primary friends were other pony clubbers . All farm kids , all horse kids , lots of wholesome , outdoor activities as well as being a competitive team sport . Virtually none of these kids had trouble with sex , alchohol or drugs . None . IMO : There 's a lot to be said for getting your pre - teen daughter into riding lessons . I 've always told parents that having a computer in a kid 's bedroom is like letting every pedo on the planet stare through the bedroom window . It 's always a bad idea . Sadly , this advice has a technological limit that 's already been reached . The only bulwark against this is the behavior of the girls themselves , which is not going to improve until we start giving the real punishments for bad behavior . We need to stop seeing them as victims and start offering real consequences for their actions . THIER actions . That has to be the starting point , the acknowledgement that THEY acted . It seems to be getting harder and harder to find any wireless plans that still support these . My wife and I have been with a pay - as - you - go provider for the last two years ( we 're just cheap that way and really don 't need all the " bells and whistles " that the major carriers bundle into their overpriced services ) and we 're both using Android phones now because even this PAYG provider discontinued supporting iDEN phones nearly a year ago . The trend seems to be inexorably moving toward Smart phones whether you want them or not . I occasionally still see a few iDEN phones in the stores , but they 're becoming fewer and farther between . Yes , there are still just straight , cheap , cell phones - I have one . It 's internet capable , but I don 't buy that plan . Just because your kid wants a phone or ' because all the other kids have one ' doesn 't mean you have to give them one - just say NO . Do you check the iPhone her friends bring over ? Nope ? That 's the problem . You can police your daughter 's technology , but you have a limited reach regarding her friends and classmates . I will say that it really pisses me off that some guys do this because taking advantage of young emotionally vulnerable girls is sick to say the least . Not to mention it gives the feminists ammo to bang the " male = bad female = victim " drum . This is what our fearless leaders can use to say the State needs more control of the web which is then used to control even more stuff on the web , like speech . Stuff like this is exactly what our feminist / Orwellian controllers will use as a reason to censor or outright shut down free speech ie . speech that doesn 't comply to the feminist / politically correct narrative . I heard a politician only a few days ago say we need an Internet more like China 's . They will use hate speech concerns or say " it is to protect the children " and the American public will fall in line like sheep . My advice ? Be computer savvy . My parents could barely set the time on their VCR ( which they still have ) , so when it came time to get the Internet , they left it to me . I set up the content - blocker myself - meaning I had effectively unlimited access to porn and anything else since I was 13 , even though my parents were convinced it was all cordoned off . Thankfully , it was early enough in the history of cyberspace that I couldn 't get into any real trouble ( you had to really know what you were about to get into the crazy stuff , and social media barely existed ) . If my folks had known just a little more about computers , they could have kept me out of the early chat rooms , away from the porn , and whatever else . With so much else out there these days , you should at least be able to handle content blockers . You 're right about the way to approach drugs and alcohol . My folks did the same for me - " If you 're drunk , stoned , or hurt , just call us - we 'll come get you and straighten everything out later . We just want you safe . " I only needed to call them once , and they handled it very well . I would not have hesitated to call again if I needed it . I can 't help much with peer pressure . I was a nerdy , introverted kid who got picked on or beat up a lot before my big growth spurt , but that had some upsides . One of those is that by the time high school rolled around , I didn 't really care about fitting in . Refusing to partake in drugs isn 't so hard once you 've refused to give up lunch money a few times . Maybe that 's unique to me ; either way , I can 't say how to replicate it for your kid , other than to support her when she stands up for herself ( kind of a no - brainer ) . It allows you to set ALL KINDS of limits on internet activity . Not only that , if you wish , you can monitor ALL traffic , IM 's , etc . It 's very good software . It 's like $ 50 a year , and you can put it on up to 3 PCs ( if I remember right ) . Should Daisy call Child Services ? Probably , just based on SingleMom 's response . Perhaps a run - in with Child Services will snap her out of her very dangerous and seeming non - existent parenting skills . Not to mention that Peaches induced Pansy to join in - how many other of her little friends will be introduced to the pleasures of producing child porn . Yes . This . I recently visited an old and dear college friend in Maine . She went through a difficult divorce but kept custody of her two boys who are now just over 20 . She was left with few resources and still struggles . The boys are good kids , but the divorce did a lot of damage . The younger one has managed to turn himself around , lost a lot of weight ( the whole family is quite large ) and started to work out , finished a GED , and worked to save money for several lengthy " working " trips to Europe , instead of drinking at night and playing World of Warcraft by day , as his brother still does ( though in talking with him , it seems he 's starting to realize that he , too , needs to make some serious changes in his life ) . But one thing my friend always insisted on was that she had an open door policy and knows all the boys friends well . And she 's made it clear to all of them that if they are in trouble or find themselves in a bad situation or even are drunk and need a ride home , they will call her , no matter what time of night . And they have . Both her boys and their friends . And it 's undoubtedly saved some lives . I 've never been a parent , but I 've been a kid . I think my parents did well to restrict some things . But I wouldn 't want to relive those moments when I did something inappropriate and was made to feel dirty for doing it . There would be a way to restrict a child 's behavior without making the connection " sexual stuff = bad " . Else you 're inviting sexual hangups into their adult life .
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Christmas Eve marks the celebration of my first year of being a mother , also it was Ezri 's birthday . I have a few photos to share with you of the celebration , but an entire year of motherhood is exhausting and tomorrow is Christmas , so here is a quick bed time story to tide you over until I can write a more detailed post . The afternoon was filled with cake , family and friends . The little girl received more then a little girl needs for her first birthday . After all the guests had gone , only a single piece of cake remained uneaten . The mother gave into the dog , who sat unmoving , focused on the last remaining piece of cake . The plate was placed on the floor and the mother left the room for only a moment to clean up the left over wrapping paper . When the mother returned to the kitchen , she found the dog and the little girl sitting on the floor sharing that last remaining piece of cake . Here is the conversation that ensued that evening . Ezri : " That 's what I was telling you about earlier . You kept sliding the plate across the floor like that piece of cake was a hockey puck . You had absolutely no control , eating cake is not some kind of game . Here is the answer to your problem , this is a bowl . " Ezri : " You see , the bowl has this nifty edge around it that allows you to push the food into the side for a better grip . Honestly , how did you even survive before me ? Clearly your quality of life has improved since I 've come along . Yes , yes I 'm working on opening the fridge . All in good time . You just keep bringing us those treats you find in the garbage can . " I miss you , Nunavut . I don 't think about how much I miss you during the day time when I 'm driving in my car , texting and eating a Big Mac ( but not really because texting and driving is illegal in my area , and I 'm a perfect citizen ) . I don 't really think I miss you when the weather is warm , I 'm wearing a tee - shirt , the grass is still green and it 's November . I vaugly remember you when I 'm power shopping the mall , online shopping a distant memory , sipping a Starbucks and heading through a self check out . But late at night , when I 'm fast asleep , visions of snowmachines drive through my head . Blizzards , cold and the snow . And I remember how much I hate rain , rain sucks . Then I start dream wondering why it hasn 't snowed here yet , this place sucks and I 'm never going to snowmachine here ! Then I really , really miss you ! We recently had my friend Julie come over and take some photos of us in front of my mother 's " Bay store entrance " tree ( this is what I call her Christmas tree because she does it up like the ones you see at the front of The Bay , you know where all the ornaments match ) . My tree , which is still not up , normally looks like Christmas barfed all over it , rather then the well thought out , choreographed tree at my mothers house . This was supposed to be a family portrait , but Nathan was called away for a 3 week work course and I was left a single parent . I didn 't really think much of it at first , but now that the 3 weeks are almost over and there are only 2 LONG days until daddy comes home , I am now realizing how ridiculously hard it is for single parents of the world . Now granted I am 6 months pregnant and feeling a little bit of extra burn because my body is hard at work making another person , while I run around , chasing a creature that has just been unleashed to the world walking , with no concept of electricity or stairs . I 'm pretty freaking tired . This child also does not like to sit still , or stay in any one place for too long , this also includes mommy 's lap . I call her my " free range chicken " , because she is constantly on the go and gets very cranky when not left to her own devices . I 've got my fingers crossed that the second baby is a little more chilled out . I 'm going to start pumping Bob Marley into the womb . Only 2 more days and the daddy can do all the picking up and lifting . And maybe a diaper too . You can see more of Julie 's exceptional photography here . Ezri is really growing , it 's a pretty magical experiance to watch . Also under the law of being a mom , I have to also say that she is so amazing and gorgeous and the cutest ever . But holy toledo . am I ever exhausted ! This might have something to do with being 5 months pregnant , but I 'm thinking it may also have to do with someone getting up at 5 : 45am since the time change . Ezri enjoys taking off anything that touches her feet , screeching as loud as she possibly can constantly , standing & walking with something to assist her . Two days ago she took her first steps unassisted , but realized she could reach her destination much faster if crawling . We haven 't seen much more on the walking front , but we know it 's coming and soon . She is a woman on a mission and has no time to slow any of that down with cuddeling or standing still . She has been too much fun and I 'm hoping that one day soon I 'll get some energy back so I can keep up with her ! Just like the south , the north has it 's little irritations that you just put up with . Just before I left the north I started letting those little things bug me just a little more then I would normally let myself get away with . I had caught the " grass is greener " syndrome , everything in the south was going to smell like roses . I usually reverse my outlook depending if I 'm north or south . I flip flop like that , it 's how I roll . Some people might call that flaky . Well since I 'm down south for good this time I 've reverted back to the north being all peaches and cream and remembering all the irritating things one has to deal with down south . One of them being waiting in line . And if you don 't believe me , I 'm telling the honest truth , you almost never wait in a line up north , maybe only on hot dog day once a year , who is going to pass up a free hot dog ? I 've had the pleasure of waiting in sorts of lines since my return south . Of course there is waiting in line at Tim Horton 's . A minor irritation at 8am when the line is busting itself out of the parking lot and into oncoming traffic . But it seems to move along at a reasonable pace . Then there is the grocery store line when nameless huge chain only pay to have two cashiers on shift when their is clearly need for more . They tell you it 's so they can bring you those Delisio 's for the low low price of $ 5 ( a mighty drop from the $ 16 I used to pay for them up north ) , but I know that since you 're only paying your two cashiers pennies an hour to work anyways , you could probably shave a few bucks off of those dripping with fat CEO bonus cheques and get one more employee scanning out my pizzas . I 'm entitled to my agression because I worked for said nameless grocery store for 6 years prior to my time up north . I know the deal . That or maybe you can use all that money your shamelessly charging for plastic bags in the name of the environment and then pocketing . I 'm just saying . Then the mother of all line ups , the one it took to get vaccinated for H1N1 in southern Ontario . Please , somePosted by Ok so I don 't live in Nunavut anymore . So what , I 'm still posting . I thought I should do a little better at trying to wrap this up . Not that I really want to stop writing about embarrassing things on the Internet anymore , but really I would be living a fat lie if I kept posting under this website any longer . Maybe I should just change the name to Formerly of Nunavut ? Well in any case a new website will be made , but I just moved into a new house , have a baby who is moving faster then the speed of light and am pregnant , so don 't expect speediness . I 've had a few people , you know all of 5 of my blog fans , complain about not making any posts . So here you are . Adjusting back down south has been fairly easy , I 've found myself plugged back into cellphone and car , the things I lived so easily without up north . I 've also been too busy to think much about the adjustment , except for that short time at the end of the day when I feel horridly exhausted and my feet are killing me , I realize it 's because there is way too much to do down here . Of course I miss my friends and all the beautiful scenery up north and think of them often . Sometimes I go on the Environment Canada 's website and check out the temperatures for back north , like I 'm secretly stocking everyone . By now they have lots of snow and down here we have terrible rain and bazaar days with plus 16 . But are the Fall colours on the trees ever amazing ! I 've come to a funny realization that when I lived up north I was ready for Halloween in August and Christmas in September , both Holidays seemed to take exceptional time to actually reach . Everything seems to be in better balance now that there is no snow on the ground , I might actually make it to December without catching myself whistling carols . Tallinn seems to be making the inside adjustment very well , as it was too hot at first for him to stay outside all day long . Now that it has cooled down he still seems content spending time inside . As long as his days are filled with many trips in the car and visits to Petsmart anPosted by The end of my time up north is near . Only 9 days left and I will be a citizen of the south once again . I 've been having many mixed feelings over the last few months and days ranging between tears of leaving and utter excitement of returning to the land of retail . The last few weeks I 've been trying to overcome some of the symptoms that bother me during early pregnancy , but as I come into the second trimester , I 'm starting to feel better and running out of excuses for not blogging . I still have a few good stories to tell while I 'm still a member of the north club , and once I step back through the wardrobe , no one will believe me . So , only 9 days left to tie up loose ends , pack and say goodbye to everything I 've called home over the last 3 years . On one side , I 'm convinced we 're not leaving and I 'm going about business as usual . On the other side , I 'm having a melt down trying to cram in as much as possible before we leave because I 'm frightened to death that we 're never coming back . I 'm trying to get out of the house as much as possible and just look at things , you know the way you would look at something on the first day you arrive . I 've been here long enough that the scenery has become somewhat second nature to me and I don 't want leave taking it for granted . I 've also been out a few nights just sitting and watching the northern lights . I 'm worried it will be the last chance to see them so brightly . I keep saying to Nathan " we 'll come back , right ? Maybe at the end of your career ? " . I just don 't want it to be over , forever . I guess we 'll just have to sit back and see where life takes us . Hopefully it will include another tour of the north , maybe even another northern territory . What I do know for sure is that the north is in my blood . It doesn 't matter how excited I 'm to get back to family , friends and Starbucks . I 'll always be split in two . It 's kind of depressing . This is pretty much how the story goes for most who live up north for any period of time . Here Ezri is trying to help us get organized for the move . It 's about time I updated this thing . Frankly I 'm getting nauseous every time I 'm loading my blog and seeing the previous post with the greasy army ration photos . Well I 'm actually getting nauseous a lot these days as I find myself pregnant again . Yes , already . It wasn 't planned , but we do want two and why not have them both experiance a part of Nunavut , even if baby two is only going to experiance it in my tummy . So here I have been suffering again , almost like a 3 month hangover . Lets just say it 's been hard , especially along side having an 8 month old crawling around and putting her hands into everything . I 've got two more weeks until I hit the second trimester and I 'm counting down the seconds . This is the time I started feeling more like myself with the previous pregnancy . Meanwhile I 've at least been out taking photos . We 've just started getting night again and I took the opportunity the last few nights to go out scouting for the northern lights . We 've had really clear nights and peaceful weather , the perfect recipe for shooting some photos . Last night I took Morena out along with me , we had a great time . And yes we are wearing Parkas . I guess we both figured we 'd be out for a long time and you always dress warmly when you live in Nunavut . Meanwhile , it was so beautiful , that we were unzipping and taking off our Parkas . It does add a more authentic look however along with the northern lights in the background . Morena made her own parka last year , we both started one at the same time . She finished hers in about 10 seconds and I 've been struggling with mine all year , it 's just almost done . If it wasn 't for Meaghan , it would never get finished . That piece of crap I 'm giving to my wonderful sister in law Jen , and then had Meaghan make a good parka for me . Actually the parka I helped to make isn 't too bad at all because Meaghan helped me through the whole thing , Jen is going to love it . I will post up photos soon . I just wanted an excuse to wear my hot new parka before moving back south , where I will have to wait uPosted by When Nathan offered to make dinner the other night , I was so elated that it didn 't matter to me what we were going to eat . Somewhere along his busy work day , Nathan had come across some army rations and was so excited that he immediately bust into the ration package to explore it 's contents . He had come home with a few options of breakfast , lunch & dinner . They all tried very hard to appear much more extravagant then what the preserved packages inside actually were . This option below was a " Lunch Menu No . 2 " , Mmm already sounds delicious . Then it goes on to list that it 's a " Beef Macaroni Chinese Style " , whatever that is . It does sounds like the army came up with that idea , lets just mix whatever is leftover together . The contents of the ration box below includes : 1 Package of SCRUMPTIOUS beef Macaroni Chinese Style , 1 Package of apple sauce , spoon , salt , pepper , wetnap , Chiclets ( yes , the army wants you . . . to have fresh breath ) , one Worthers original ( thank god , I mean what would you do after dinner if you didn 't have a Worthers ? Subsequently I passed on my mine because it was in Christmas wrapping ) , everything you need for tea and coffee , jam , peanut butter , a packet of bread , napkins , juice chrystals , one plastic bag cup used for hot and cold beverages , a chocolate bar ( sorry , not shown in photo because someone ate it in the 10 seconds it took to open the package and set up this photo ) , and lets not forget 1 " How do you rate this meal " survey . Here Nathan is hard at work with the meal preparation . Packages need to be boiled . Nathan also made us drinks from the flavored crystal packets in the cups that come along with the rations . Even though we were home , within reasonable reach of real cups , it was important to experience everything . Yes , I drank out of this Ziploc bag below , and yes it was very challenging . Remember though , I 'm not complaining , because Nathan prepared everythingI decided to go with spaghetti and meatballs , and can honestly say it wasn 't bad . A little like zoodles . The brick of bread there was anoPosted by What you can 't see are the HOARDS of mosquitoes ! I didn 't want to spray the baby with deet , so I sprayed the area she was sitting . I know , not really environmentally friendly to spray a bunch of beautiful flowers with bug spray . We could only shoot in one spot for a few seconds and then we had to move . Although there are numerous quantities of arctic mosquitoes , they are as slow as zombies . This gives you a chance to stand still for a few seconds before you are swarmed , then you can out walk them and be clear for a short time before they catch up again . These purple flowers are called Dwarf Fireweed , as I learned on Clare 's blog yesterday . Here is a closer look . I have made this a yearly event , throwing my semi - naked body into the frigid grasp of the arctic ocean . For no good reason . I 've done it 3 times now , missing out only last year because I was about 4 months pregnant and it wouldn 't have been the best activity to partake in . You can read about 2007 's dip here . I 'm sure it seems not a big deal to you people down south in your comfy warm climate , but first of all it wasn 't the warmest day up here and secondly as Meaghan puts it on her blog , " reminder the ice just melted about 2 weeks ago " . There is still snow in various areas as well . It 's cold and the water is even colder then you can imagine , unless of course you 've gone in before , in which case you totally understand me . So yeah , it 's brain freeze cold . It is the arctic ocean . The trick here is to " dip " , not actually swim . Run in , run out . This time I wore shoes instead of crocs so I didn 't have to turn right back around and search for them floating away . This time I used my brain . Get in , get out , don 't dally around . In case you were wondering how cold it was , here is a close up from the photo above . I think our faces say it all , ( * insert swear word here * ) ! It was a good time , I 'd do it again . I can 't explain why , as the part of my brain that 's supposed to make sense of things isn 't making the decisions when I 'm running into the arctic ocean . Don 't forget to check out Morena 's post about our adventure , as well as Meaghan 's . I awoke early this morning to the sound of Ezri crying . I had forgotten to turn on the monitor and was jolted awake by the idea that I was hearing her cry from her room , rather then the monitor beside my bed . I jumped straight out of bed and then realized this was not an emergency . Ezri had put herself almost back to sleep immediately , but I was still wide awake . After a visit to the washroom , a BEAMING sun filled visit to the washroom , I took a small peak out the window and saw this : Some of the stillest water I 've seen up here . So I decided at 5am to grab my camera and walk down to the beach . I told Nathan I was going for a walk and he looked at me like I was nuts , rolled over and went back to sleep . I know someone who didn 't think it was such a crazy idea . Tallinn was having a blast sniffing every rock and blade of grass from my house to the beach . It was the most calming feeling , there wasn 't a sound or even a small breeze . Everyone was asleep tucked in their beds , even the ravens and dogs . It wasn 't until a bunch of birds that sounded like ducks and seagulls combined started SCREECHING , breaking the silence that I remembered 3 summers ago around this time of year and hour in the morning there was a bear chilling out on the beach behind our house . So Tallinn and I booked it back to the house and I went back to bed . Today Ezri went in for her 6 Month shots . I documented the day with the NEW camera Nathan got me for my birthday . New camera you ask ? Why do you need another camera ? Well , let me explain . Firstly , let me point out that I do have 2 hands , so why not two ? Second of all I wanted one of those little point & shoot cameras so I could take movies of Ezri , avoiding possible future incidents of holding my lap top over the bathtub trying to capture bath time . For most people this is the staple camera , for me it 's a fun camera . My meat and potatoes camera weighs like 20lbs , so shooting with this 2 gram of a thing is like a party in my hands . Sure the image quality isn 't what I 'm used to , but I 've had a BLAST taking photos today . ( for those of you wondering , Kennie , Julie & Aleks it 's a Canon powershot sd960 ) So like I was saying we went to get Ezri 's shots . Fun ? Not so much . To cheer us both up we took a little walk and shop in the Northern store . Ezri was incognito . Incognito from the sun . See what I 'm saying about taking fun shots with a camera that doesn 't need bulging biceps just to hold . I was able to take this shot with one hand . ONE ! Here is also something I can not do with my SLR ( easily ) , it 's just too damn heavy . Take a shot of myself from above without risk of camera falling and crushing baby . After shopping , we started to get a little cranky . Mommy to the rescue with a cookie . Smell that baby crack . Oh yeah , that makes it feel all better . P . S Announcing another Nunavummiut Blogger . Morena at Babies & Bulldogs . Her little boy Oliver is Ezri 's Boyfriend . And her Bulldog Tank is Tallinn 's boyfriend . This is yet another CD blog . WE ARE TAKING OVER THE WORLD . Eat dust Arctic Bay ! : ) As you already know , I 'm moving down south and therefore will soon no longer be " Jen of Nunavut " , but Jen of MASSIVE city in southern Canada . I will want to continue writing and showcasing my photography . I figure I 'm going to ( try to ) start a business when I get back south and I might as well start up a full fledged website that will allow me to blog and dabble in a photography business . So the question is " what in H . E . double hockey stick do I call it " ? I WANT your opinion . You can either vote on the side or leave me a comment . OR both , any suggestions are welcome . For my birthday Nathan and I took out some left over sugar from last year 's sealift that had solidified into bricks . We had a bet how many bricks we could shoot through with a single bullet . Nathan won . No surprise . You can see how solid the sugar actually was . It 's too bad the now powdered sugar was unusable . Damn lead . We then walked about 100 metres and shot at a target . I hit all my shots on the board . Maybe not in the " important scoring section " , but who 's counting . . . it looks like I got an ear or nostril at least . That 's worth a pat on the back . It was a good birthday . I moved to Nunavut 3 years ago with my husband and Alaskan Malamute . Here we started raising our first daughter Ezri and shortly before we left , became pregnant with our second . As every journey has an end , we found ourselves back south again , dreaming of returning north one day . Please read about my adventures and continue to feel free to send me e - mails .
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Well , I 'm spending a few days in West Brooklyn . I probably shouldn 't spend quite so much time here , but I have four days off in a row and 1 ) I don 't have much of anything to do at my apartment , 2 ) my mom and I have actually wound up on really good terms with each other in the last couple of years , and 3 ) sometimes I really like being out in the boondocks for a few days . I know everyone that lives in the Gurnee / Zion area thinks it 's the middle of nowhere , cuz it 's not Chicago . But I 'm telling you . . . that 's all relative , and compared to where I 'm from , it 's a freaking thriving metropolis in Gurnee . I still remember being ecstatic back when I moved to DeKalb , because gas stations were open past 8pm , I could get food delivered to my house , AND I didn 't have to drive 45 minutes to get to the movie theater . Thrilling , I tell you . And don 't even get me started on the first time we drove into Geneva / Batavia at night and saw all the lights . . . it might as well have been Chicago to us . It 's good to be easily impressed , I suppose . When the opening of the 24 hour WalMart 45 minutes away was cause for celebration , and the most exciting thing there was to do on Friday night when I was in high school . . . well . . . you can see why 1 ) I get a little out of sorts and panicky when I 'm thrust into somewhere like Chicago . . . it 's overwhelming compared to bufu , 2 ) I think anywhere else that I 've ever lived is amazing and fantastic , and 3 ) why I like getting back to the middle of nowhere for some peace and quiet . . . where I can be annoyed that a vehicle I don 't recognize is driving on OUR road ( I mean , what are they DOING here ? We 're not on the WAY to anywhere ) . . . where I can battle snow that doesn 't get plowed till Monday , and not till after school starts , cuz there aren 't any bus - riding kids on our road . . . and where I can park in the middle of the road and take pictures of pretty trees without worrying that I might cause a pile - up . So here they are : ) So yesterday , I helped my mom design and put together her " I - ran - out - of - time - to - send - Christmas - cards - so - I 'm - sending - them - for - New - Years " cards . It was fun . . . knocked out a couple dozen in about four and a half hours , and felt pretty accomplished . Now on to filling out and addressing them . . . woohoo ! They 're both made with : Stampendous stamps , American Crafts Ribbon , Tim Holtz Tiny Attacher , Polar Ice Flowersoft , Watercolor pencils , and Stardust pen . Here they are : So a customer asked Heidi if we had supplies for doing Zentangles the other night . We didn 't , but she was curious and did some online research , and has since created Zentangles monsters of a few of us at work . In case you 're wondering , Zentangles are basically glorified doodling ( they were actually included in my vocab post a few months ago before I even knew much about them ) . Also known as Zendoodles , they 're basically doodling with a purpose that tends to have a relaxing / hypnotic effect ( hence , the Zen part ) . I scraplifted ( yes , that 's legit in the world of scrapping ) Heidi 's book of patterns and have been doing some research online for more , along with templates and whatnot . I think I 'm going to make myself a letterblock tray of them to hang in my livingroom , and I 'm SUPER excited about it . : ) Here 's some shots of my pattern book . . . more to come when I 'm further into some works in progress : First things first , please note : I say " mixtapes " for nostalgic purposes only . . . obviously with the reign of the digital era , they 're not truly mixtapes anymore , but you get my drift . So anyone that 's been on a roadtrip with me in excess of three hours in either direction knows that I take my mixtapes seriously . For two reasons , I think : 1 ) I used to be a music major , and 2 ) I 'm a control freak . One time , my ex said he made a mix tape for a vacation we were going on . . . it consisted of a half a dozen Pink Floyd songs , a half a dozen Dave Matthews songs , and a couple of random Bob Marley songs tacked on at the end . I nearly had a stroke over it . Putting solid chunks of two different CDs onto one CD together does NOT a mixtape make . There are three main considerations when making a mix : 1 ) Varied tempo and style ( nobody wants to listen to what sounds like the same song over and over again when they 're attempting to stay awake while driving ) , 2 ) a small number of related but unfamiliar songs mixed with older nostalgic ones , and 3 ) finding the right songs to evoke the right feelings for the occasion . I 'm telling you . . . I 'm seriously OCD about the whole thing . . . I could spend hours . I DID spend hours . . . back in the day when a mixtape was REALLY on cassette tape and you had to record it in real - time . Oh , how mp3s have saved hours of my life ! Anyway , so all that said , we 're having a holiday CD exchange at work instead of the more traditional gift exchange . I spent WAY too much time on iTunes looking for just the right music . . . made extra difficult by the fact that typically they just remake the same couple dozen holiday songs every year instead of ever writing new ones . That said , I did find a couple of new , non - traditional songs . My official holiday playlist is as follows : M ' kay , now I NEVER buy cutesy clothes for my dogs . . . like , never . But today . . . it was like it was meant to be . I was walking into PetSmart when some lady gave me a coupon she didn 't need for $ 4 off the brand of food that I happened to be going in to buy ! Sooooo . . . I was wandering around the toy aisle , cuz I 'm a sucker and pretty much everytime I 'm AT PetSmart , I buy them a toy . However , on this particular evening , I noticed the cutest little leftover lobster halloween costume on clearance for just $ 3 ! lol : ) Like it was meant to freakin ' be . . . and while I don 't really do Halloween , I spent the $ 3 just to entertain myself and take a couple pictures for my blog and scrapbook . Hooray ! Lucy 's gonna hate me forever now . . . but . . . There 's just something about a fireplace , isn 't there ? My mom just got one put in at her house , and it 's just cozy . It 's relaxing and soothing and the perfect end to a long day . Since I live in an apartment , I have no fireplace , but I did discover WoodWick candles , which have ( shocker ) a WOOD WICK . Doesn 't sound like a big deal , but they make a lovely crackling fire noise that 's the next best thing to having a fireplace . Plus they smell lovely , which is good too : ) Anyway , that was the inspiration for tonight 's Christmas card . I used the same Penny Black stamps as the last couple cards , and the same Fancy Pants paper ( cut into little rectangles for the bricks , and pop dotted for the mantle ) . Cut some free - hand flames , and colored everything with colored pencils . And that 's all for tonight : ) More soon ! Well I 've been posting Christmas stuff for a month now , so I figured it was about time to mix it up . That , and I have a friend who has a birthday this week , so I needed to make a card that wasn 't a Christmas card anyway . Here 's what I came up with . . . I think my favorite part is how the ribbon turned out . It 's Hero Arts Stamps , BoBonny Paper , Glossy Accents , Gems , and a Charcoal Cateye Ink . Pretty simple , but very cute : ) And that 's all for tonight ! It 's possible that I may be particularly sensitive to customer service because I work in retail . But few things annoy me more than somebody in a customer service position who obviously doesn 't give a crap about me or my purchase . That girl ringing my purchase at WalMart who not only doesn 't smile , but doesn 't even bother to look up at all . That guy at Menards who is obviously irritated that I have bothered him with a question . And tonight , my newest example , at which I am particularly peeved : I have no issue with self - checkers at grocery stores . In fact , I think they 're a genius idea for busy days with lots of people when you only have a few items . Slip in , slip out , never wait in line . It 's great . What I do not like is that after a certain time , ONLY self - checks are available . The first thing I 'd like to say is if you can afford to pay some guy to stand in the middle of the self - checks and wait for an " Assistance Needed " beacon , then why don 't you just pay that guy to run a register instead ? Seriously . . . customer service . However , I could overlook that issue . What I cannot overlook is not one , not two , but THREE employees standing around the assistance desk at the self - check area . . . chatting and complaining about how there 's nothing to do on night shifts and it 's so boring and drags on and on and on . . . while I 'm scanning and bagging $ 200 worth of groceries BY MYSELF . What the hell ? If you have time to stand around and complain about how little there is to do at work , then get off your butt and HELP SOMEONE . * sigh * It seems obvious , I think , but apparently not . People never cease to amaze me . Customer service , chivalry , common courtesy . . . anything at all would be nice . I don 't expect for someone to fawn all over me and tell me how great my purchase is . I don 't need someone to show me around the whole store and tell me all the latest , greatest things . All I want is someone to look up , smile at least once , not be pissed if I have a question , and give me a hand if I 'm obviously struggling . It doesn 't seem like so much to ask . Perhaps it is . Meh . . . oh well . . . I guess I 'll have to get used to it , cuz it doesn 't seem to be getting any better . And now off to bed . . . cooking all day tomorrow ! Wowza . . . sixty degrees in November . Ridiculous . While generally I 'd be a fan , that means we 're unseasonably warm again just in time for the mall to turn on the heat on November 11th , which means the store will probably be a sauna for several weeks again like it was last year . Joy ! Anyway , unseasonably warm or not , I was feeling inspired tonight and made a Christmas card prototype . I finally decided I 'm going to get off my butt and make 10 - ish to send out to immediate family and a few long distance friends . They won 't all be the same though , because I get bored easily and I won 't finish them if they 're all the same . Probably everyone will get something a little different so I can maximize my playing with stamps time . Here it is : Pretty simple . . . Penny Black stamps , Fancy Pants holiday paper , watercolor pencils , sparkly fluff , and a stardust pen : ) And that 's all for tonight . . . work 's still insane , and I still have no time to be blogging , but I 'll make a serious attempt to get in one more this week . Have a good night ! Well , we decorated the store for Christmas today . It comes earlier and earlier every year , it seems . While it aggravates me how early it is ( and we 've had Christmas merchandise for a month already , at least ) , this is the only time I really get to enjoy it . Today , I was actually feeling in the Christmas spirit . A month from now , when normal people ( i . e . people who don 't work retail ) are going into full - blown Christmas mode , I 'll be going into full - blown CAN - THIS - JUST - BE - OVER - ALREADY mode . I 'll have seen Christmas merchandise for two months already . I 'll have already been listening to Christmas music in the mall for a month . I 'll have already made Christmas cards , bought Christmas gifts , closed down our Christmas classes , and be wondering when Valentine 's Day merchandise is coming in . Sooooooo . . . in a snap decision upon arriving home after work , I decided to just put up my Christmas tree at home while I still actually felt like doing it . Sick , I know . But seriously . . . I just won 't enjoy it later . At least I didn 't play Christmas music while I was doing it ( no need to start that crap any earlier than I have to ) . Last year when I put up my tree , I decided that it looked sad without any presents under it . So , I wrapped up random things around the house that I hadn 't used in a while . And , in a stroke of genius , I decided I didn 't really need those things and left them all wrapped and put them with the Christmas decorations , so I didn 't have to do it again this year ! ( Well , I mean , I wouldn 't have HAD to do it again this year anyway , but I 'm crazy , so I would have ) . Anyway , productive night all - in - all . . . and now I think I 'm going to sit around in the glow of my Christmas tree for a few minutes before I head to bed : ) Goodnight all : ) First and foremost , I 'm gonna say right now that posts are probably going to be once a week for a while , cuz right now , life . is . crazy . Mostly work crazy . Take tomorrow and Thursday , for example : So yeah . That 's assuming our light install actually happens like it was supposed to . If it gets hung up , it 'll have to be rescheduled to an even LESS convenient time . * sigh * We 'll see . Aaaaaanyway , to relieve stress , I finally took some time to play with my new Unity Stamp Set that I bought at the crop on Saturday ( before KARAOKE ! Which was awesome , by the way . ) Here 's how it turned out : I 'd just like to take a moment to express how much I love karaoke . Honestly , if I could find someone to drag out with me whenever I wanted , I 'd probably go twice a week . At the cost of sleep and everything , cuz lord knows it never starts till 10pm . When I lived in DeKalb a group of us went at LEAST once or twice a week . Now that I 'm in Zion , times are getting desperate for karaoke . I haven 't gone in almost six months . I 'm nearly to the point where I 'd just go by myself . . . which is a trick , cuz I wouldn 't be able to drink then since you usually can 't take your drink on stage ( something about drunk people spilling beer on expensive equipment ) , and I wouldn 't want to leave my drink unattended in some random bar where I don 't know anyone . * sigh * The good news is , I get to go tonight ! New location , people from work . . . yay ! Anyway , I 'm off to bed for now , but I 'll try to remember to take a couple pics and post them . Hooray karaoke ! FINALLY started working on Christmas gifts again , which I 've been saying I was going to do for the last three or four weeks . Anyway , I had a few different sets of paper to go with them , since I have a quite a few to do . Here 's how they 're looking so far : Well , my blog has been a little neglected for the last week . It 's been busy , busy , and I made a trip home to visit family since I 'm not sure when or if I 'll get back before Thanksgiving . We 're short - staffed at work , and the schedule is getting a little hairy at the moment . Anyway , I was flipping through a card magazine at work the other night looking for crop demo ideas and I ran across these cute little cards with buttons . Apparently it 's supposed to be a button combined with a stamp set specifically designed to go with the button . However , the designs aren 't really complicated enough to necessitate a stamp set in order to re - create them , so I just used a Zig pen to draw in the details . Here they are : The buttons are green , brown , and black , although for some reason my camera phone has decided to make them appear purple - ish . I think they turned out pretty cute : ) And now off to work on Christmas gifts ! More tomorrow , perhaps : ) I finished my canvas tonight ! I used Cosmo Cricket DeLovely paper , Bones Thickers , Hambly transparency , Making Memories Paint , and clear home decor gems . Put it all on with some vellum tape and a glue gun , and voila : ) I like it . . . I 'm not sure where I 'm going to put it yet . It doesn 't really go with my apartment , but it wasn 't really supposed to . . . it was just supposed to be Lucy - ish , which it totally is . It 'd probably work in the kitchen with my other random art . We 'll see . . . either way , it makes me smile . I LOVE those dang Thickers . And the added bonus is I 'm pretty sure there 's twice as many letters in that pack as the normal thickers packs since the letters are so much smaller . . . a much more reasonable size for most titles , I think . Anyway , here 's the picture ( the glare kinda sucks , but you get the idea at least ) : Well , I 've had my current assistant manager for all of about six months , and she 's leaving : ( Although , it 's important to note , that 's BY FAR , the longest I 've had an assistant manager in the year and a half since I 've been at this store . ( And I swear , it 's not because I 'm running them out . ) Anyway , this one is moving across the country with her boyfriend for his job . Exciting for her , but sad for me , because I 'm short - staffed heading into full - swing holiday season again . Ah well . . . such is the nature of retail . Anyway , I made her this cute going away card tonight . I 'm really liking it . The inspiration is from Get Real Greetings by Jessica Strawser . I used Crate Paper , Making Memories alpha stickers , American Crafts Ribbon , and that 's pretty much it . Front : It seems to me a rather cruel joke for me to have BOTH seasonal allergies AND Seasonal Affective Disorder . So when I 'm finally wrapping up with struggling to breathe season , I 'm on my way ( or at least I used to be on my way ) into depressed and struggling to get out of bed season . That said , I went to see someone about it in college , and was prescribed Wellbutrin , which as far as I 'm concerned is a miracle drug , which I 've been taking seasonally ever since . The problem with depression is you often don 't realize how far along into it you are until you 're REALLY far along . All of a sudden you realize you 've been sleeping more than you 've been awake for the last few weeks . . . you 're eating way too much . . . or hardly anything at all . . . you don 't go out because you don 't feel like it , and then you get upset because you haven 't seen your friends in a few days / weeks , and then you 're in even less of a mood to go out , and on and on it goes . . . the downward spiral continues . I spent a few years trying to drag myself out of that hole by staying busy , forcing myself to go out with friends , etc , etc , without much success . It was around my Sophomore year in college when I ran across the book Winter Blues : Everything You Need to Know to Beat Seasonal Affective Disorder , written by Norman E . Rosenthal , MD . I thought it was kind of a load of bull at the time , until I started reading it and realized that they had my last five years ' worth of winters laid perfectly . Right down to the week of euphoria / insomnia around March or April when it first gets really sunny again . It was crazy . So , I read some more about it , read about options , and wound up taking the prescription route . There 's other options . . . light therapy , etc . . . but I didn 't feel like they fit into my life / schedule very well . That portion is entirely to each his own , I think . Some people have major issues with medicating for things like depression . . . I just happen to not be one of those people . Anyway , every year I get better at recognizing when my symptoms are coming on so I don 't Posted by So I guess canvas is hot this year in the crafting world . We have workshops , samples , gift tags , and boxes and boxes of other canvas items at the store . So . . . I figure it 's about time to play ! I 've always had sort of an interest in creating wall art with canvases . I 've actually tried a couple of times with limited success . But that was back in high school before I had been introduced to the world of scrapbooking , and I was just using whatever paint , etc . I had lying around the house . So I ran across this really snazzy idea in the idea book about doodling that I bought a few months ago . . . I was super excited when I saw it the first time , and then I got busy and kind of forgot about it . . . but I ran across it again a few days ago and was re - inspired , so my canvas project takes it 's first baby steps tonight . So here 's the pic from the book that I 'm working off of for inspiration : First and foremost , of COURSE I 'm doing my canvas with a picture of Lucy : ) I was thinking about doing one of both of them , but upon further consideration , I decided that I 'll do one just for Millie later . After having Lucy for almost a year now , I think I really have an understanding of her quirky little personality and can hopefully bring that to the piece . I don 't think I 've had Millie long enough to say that . So after she comes out of her shell a little more , she 'll get her own picture : ) Now , that said , I think the most exciting little tidbit from this inspiration page is the little gems around the outside edges . What in interesting idea . . . using a 5 / 8 " circle punch for paper to put behind those gems you put in the bottom of vases . I had never really seen anything like it . It was , in fact , the whole reason I decided I really wanted to do this canvas afterall . So while I haven 't really figured out my whole concept yet , I got to play with the gems tonight to get a feel for how it might fit with the rest of my ideas . So , the first column is just gems with paper behind them , the second column is with paper that has some Sharpie doodling on it behind the gems , and the third column is just the gems . . . which I 'm thinking about mixing into the piece too . I 'm LOVING the Sharpie ones , though . We 'll see what happens . Once I really get going on this , I 'm going to have to figure out a better way to photograph it so you can see everything better ( On that note , I 'm seriously considering buying myself a new camera for Christmas . The camera phone pictures aren 't doing it for me , and I despise the camera I have . . . screw you Olympus with your damn XD card that isn 't compatible with my computer and no auto - stabilization . Gotta finish the rest of my Christmas shopping first and see if I have enough left for me ! ) Blech , blech , and more blech today . Isn 't it irritating how just when you think everything is finally on track , life pulls the damn rug out from under you ? Every freaking time . I was thinking about going into the store and cropping today , but I 'm in way too bad of a mood now for that . * sigh * Instead , I think I will take a nap , take myself out for lunch , possibly do a little shopping , make some cute cards , and depending how I 'm feeling after all that , bust out the Captain and Coke later . We 'll see . One more BLECH for good measure , and that 's all for now . If I manage to come up with a happy little card that cheers me up later , I 'll post it . Posted by Anyone who knows me or my family knows . . . we don 't do Halloween . I don 't think I 've had a Halloween costume since I was maybe eight years old . No costumes , no Halloween parties , and we lived in the country growing up , so no trick - or - treaters either ( I got lucky that my apartment complex doesn 't do it either ) . Now don 't get me wrong , it 's not that I 'm a scrooge about it necessarily . I don 't have issue with other people enjoying the holiday . . . I guess I can see the appeal if you 're into that . . . I just don 't like it . The whole ordeal creeps me out . People in costumes , strangers knocking on your door at night , wandering around in the dark asking for candy from people you don 't know . . . I mean . . . it 's all the stuff they teach you not to do from the age you 're old enough to understand what the heck they 're talking about . I have enough issues with creepy little kids . . . I 'm already terrified I 'm going to wind up having a kid as pale as I am with great big eyes who likes to wake me up by standing next to my bed and staring at me . . . the horror . ( Note : I have specific reasons for being extra terrified of people staring at me while I sleep . . . a roommate situation which I will not go into details about . . . suffice it to say , I moved out in a panic in three hours while she was at work . . . scary ! ) . Anyway , so I typically avoid Halloween festivities like the plague and don 't particularly mind being harassed about my lack of enthusiasm for everyone 's apparent favorite holiday ( I 'll take Thanksgiving , thankyouverymuch ) . BUT , when I showed up at work today , I had a " Boo " in my mailbox . What is this , you may ask ? I asked myself the very same question , and luckily it came with a handy dandy instruction sheet telling me exactly what a " Boo " was , and detailing my loose obligation to pass it on . That 's right . . . a Halloween candy chain letter of sorts . A little Halloween favor box with candies and a little poem and a cute little ghost for my nametag so everyone knows I 've been " boo " - ed . . . so we 're able to tell who still needs a " boo . " It 's interesting Also sparking my enthusiasm for this particular project is the fact that I just happened to buy a new Martha Stewart Scor - Board on Saturday night ( so much for restraining myself from buying more scrapbooking stuff , eh ? ) And this particular tool comes with a very helpful guide for making envelopes AND favor boxes . Soooooo . . . I am officially participating in my first Halloween activity in nearly 20 years . . . shocking . And to anyone who thinks maybe this means I 've let up on my anti - Halloween stance . . . don 't count on it . But , from the crafting angle at least , it turned out pretty cute . . . and I imagine I 'd participate in similar activities in the future should the situation call for it . Plus , it 's better that I don 't seem like a big party pooper of a boss . : ) lol . So here 's my " Boo ! " : Well , I worked an overnight last night with my assistant manager , and man oh man did we get a lot done . That said , it brought back vivid memories of the time I spent at Kohls , always working , never sleeping ( or really having a life , for that matter ) . I would routinely get off work there at 2 or 3am and have to be back in at 6am . . . 40 minutes away from my apartment . Or I 'd work an overnight , go home long enough to take a shower , turn around and go back for another 14 hour shift . The thing that reminded me most of my younger days , when I didn 't know when to say when : I woke up after my 17 minute nap before returning to work this morning , stiff , sore , and just generally miserable . As I thought back on it , I remember waking up that way nearly every day I worked at Kohls . I felt like I was 90 years old . I remember worrying that something was seriously wrong with me back then . . . cuz a 21 year old isn 't supposed to feel that way ( at least not without a whole lot of alcohol . . . lol ) . As it turned out , it was just the result of battering my body and not taking care of myself for months on end . As soon as I got back to a semi - reasonable schedule with a little work - life balance and some semblance of a proper amount of sleep , I bounced right back ( with a little additional help from The Walking Company , for which I would gladly do a commercial if I were asked ) . It seemed like a miracle at the time . . . I had spent almost two years like that , and had finally concluded that was just the way things were going to be . That I was going to just have to live with being miserable and overextended . Well , years have gone by , and I certainly don 't push it to the extent that I used to . I know better than THAT . But , I do still have a tendency to overdo it on a semi - regular basis . Last night was a perfect example . . . lifting stuff I should 've probably gotten help with , among other things . . . I 'm sure there 's the writer of a pamphlet about proper lifting techniques somewhere out there who would grimace if there were video footage of everything I moved last night . Luckily , I found myself another small miracle several months ago . . . a fantastic massage therapist ( who will certainly have something to say about the current condiiton of my back when I go again on Wednesday ) . Now , don 't get me wrong , I 've always been all for a good massage . I go on vacation , and someone says : " Let 's go skiing , " and I hear " Get cold . Fall down . Break leg . " Not - so - much . . . if I want to injure myself , I can manage that on my own , at home or at work . I 'm an INDOOR kinda gal . Vacation is for sleeping in , eating well , and relaxing . . often with a massage , from whatever spa happens to be nearby . . . or not so nearby , as the case may be . Anyway , I 'd had a lot of massages , and they 'd always been nice , but until April or so , I hadn 't ever had one that made a lasting impression . One that actually made me feel better for a few weeks , instead of just relaxed for a few hours . This girl fixed what I thought was permanent tissue damage from falling down some cement stairs seven or eight years ago ( clumsy , not drunk ) . It was ridiculous . . . I didn 't even know it was possible to fix something like that . And for that , I will continue to be a fiercely loiyal customer . Anyway , I think what I 'm getting at with all of this , is that the older I get , the more I realize that it 's important to invest in myself . . . in my health . . . and in my quality of life . And okay , yeah . . . massages cost money . . . quality shoes cost money . . . but if it means I don 't have to wake up thinking I 've aged 60 years overnight , it 's totally worth it . And yeah , if I have to take a job that pays a little less . . . Posted by Well , I finally got to bust out my perfect Christmas stamp that I bought last week . . . yay ! So the card turned out a little non - traditional , but I think really cute . I wish I had a sentiment stamp for it , but alas . . . all at mom 's house still . . . but I think the " Santa Baby " is kinda cute anyway . Well , Lucy managed to slip her harness again this weekend . I keep getting different harnesses that fasten in different places , and tightening them more , but nothing seems to matter . I swear she has no bones or something . . . she just slips right out . She didn 't even tug this last time . . . I just looked down and she was gone . * sigh * The last time , she came right back when I called , but this time , I guess she smelled something exciting , cuz off she went like a little bolt of lightning running for the end of the block . Now , mind you , this is in the pitch black in a neighborhood I 'm not particularly familiar with , outside my friend 's house in DeKalb . So I 'm running through yards after her , probably screeching her name ( at the time , it seemed like I was speaking at a normal volume , but now that I think back on people stepping out on their porches to see what the commotion was , I 'm guessing maybe I wasn 't ) . So , she finally got spooked when a car came by and came back to me , but not before I managed to pull my calf muscle pretty bad . It was wonderful . lol . Sooooo . . . back to PetSmart yesterday , and Lucy got some little t - shirts to wear under her harness so I could tighten it some more without it rubbing . What a spoiled little brat , eh ? : ) But really . . . who could stay mad at this face ? Aren 't they cute when they aren 't running away and causing injuries ? : ) I think so too ! And that 's all for tonight : ) More crafting soon . . . it 's been a little nuts lately ! Okay , so I have a weakness for stamps . . . and paper . . . and purses . . . and watches . . . and sometimes shoes . I find that once I start saying " yes " to myself , it just keeps getting easier . Which is why I have already purchased more Christmas stamps this year than I would need to make cards for the next three years . Whoops . But honestly , how could I pass this ONE MORE up ? It 's too cute . . . I couldn 't . . . it is mine now : ) It 's perfect ! Let 's be honest here . . . there 's not always time to make everything start to finish , right ? Sometimes , shortcuts must be taken . Particularly when lack of time AND lack of budget is looming overhead . So , I never feel bad if I create a hybrid . . . store - bought card dressed up with some ribbon and bling . . . maybe add a sentiment or envelope stamp . ( Honestly , I don 't really feel bad just buying a card from a store and handing it out as - is either , but . . . that wouldn 't make for much of a post , now would it ? ) Nothing spectacular , but just cute enough : ) Then I 'll tie them up in packs with some more cute ribbon , and we 're all good to go ! That 's all for now : ) Let 's see . . . I 'm a very creative person with a very creative career . However , it seems that all of my creative energy is spent at work leaving nothing when I get home . So , I 'm starting this blog to re - inspire myself , and maybe inspire others if they happen to show up : )
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My name is Mary Z . John and I live in Tennessee . We 've been retired since 1991 , and have a passion for travel and photography . I paint , do needlepoint and knit , read , work word puzzles . John is a rower and loves to read and work word puzzles , too . The Lady Mocs lost their first conference game to Samford 74 - 52 . Today was back to the usual routine of swimming , Walmart , and bridge . I didn 't even have to get much at Walmart . And the cards were pretty crappy . Oh , well - I guess it takes a little time to get things back to normal . It is turning into winter . It was a raw , blustery day - high of 54 , and drizzle . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - There is all sorts of abandoned machinery along the Erie Canal . Posted by CRANBERRY CHUTNEY1 ( 16oz ) can whole - berry cranberry sauce1 cup sugar1 / 2 cup vinegar2 teaspoons salt1 / 2 teaspoon ground ginger1 cup raisins1 teaspoon curry powder1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce1 / 2 teaspoon hot sauce ( Tabasco , etc . ) 2 tablespoons molasses - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Place all ingredients in a heavy - bottom sauce pan and bring gently to a boil . Simmer for 25 minutes until the mixture begins to thicken . Cool . Bottle and store in refrigerator . Great with turkey , pork , or any meat - or on biscuits . Keeps indefinitely in the refrigerator . Margaret left fairly early , after having done the beds , and loaded up with a bunch of leftovers . We finished up putting stuff away - food , dishes , linens , etc . I did the usual laundry , plus all the extra towels and table linens . Other than that , this was a day of recuperation - football and basketball games , and getting caught up with some of the TV programs we recorded over the weekend . Plus it 's John 's birthday . As he says , he 's now 3 / 4 old . He got a bunch of cards , e - mail messages , Facebook messages , and phone calls - always fun . Next week , we 'll pretty much get back to what we laughingly call normal . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - These are some local residents along the Erie Canal . Posted by We 've had a great day - long and busy , but great . We had some many of our great family and friends with us at one time or another , plus the standard Thanksgiving dishes ( which we love ) - turkey and dressing , gravy , sweet potatoes , squash casserole , green bean casserole , scalloped oysters , various pickles and veggies , cranberries ( sauce , relish & chutney ) , wine , dessert , and coffee . It 's a good thing we do this only one time a year . I do have to say that the country ham we fixed for Friday was one of the best we 've ever done . It was SO tender and sweet . I ran the dishwasher three times today . The first one was a short wash - just dessert from last night plus breakfast . But we could only get a little more than half from the big dinner today - so I ran it once , then emptied it and put the rest of the stuff in . John and Margaret went up to the Lady Vols / UCLA game this afternoon , so they didn 't get the " good stuff " until they got home about 7 . Mostly good ballgames - UT beat KY , SC beat Clemson , LSU beat Arkansas , the Lady Vols beat UCLA . Unfortunately Auburn lost and the Lady Mocs lost . Oh , well . . . . . I 'm really tired ( imagine that ! ) and am heading off to bed shortly . Margaret is the only one still here . The others have all gone , so they 're not on the road tomorrow ( the terrible travel day ) . They 've checked in , and got home safely . - - - - - - - Heading west on the Erie Canal . Posted by John carved the ham this morning . I don 't know whether it was the ham or the cooking , but there must have a convergence of sorts - this is one of the best hams we 've ever had . Much YUM ! We had a great midday dinner ( ham , corn , mashed potatoes , fruit , raw veggies , etc . ) Then some of the folks headed out for the Tennessee / College of Charleston basketball game ( men ) ( Tennessee won ) . All the prep got done for the turkey cooking tomorrow . The dressing is made , the bird is stuffed . Again , we 'll be having an early meal , so folks can go to a Lady Vols game or head home Saturday evening . There will be much less traffic on Saturday than on Sunday , so they want to avoid the bad stuff . Has anybody seen the movie , " Marilyn Hotchkiss Ballroom Dancing and Charm School " ? Jean brought it , and those left at home watched it . It 's a delightful little movie with an amazing cast . Check it out if you get the chance . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - This is the dock at Lyons , NY . Our boat , Freedom , is the small one with the red hull . Posted by It 's been a lovely day ! It so great to have the family coming in and out - even if they don 't stay long . And we got to visit with Jesse only by phone - but that 's a treat anyway ! Today , we had our traditional Thanksgiving lasagna - and even had some leftovers from that . But that 's some of the best eating - the leftovers . If you 're one of the day - after - Thanksgiving shoppers , have a good day tomorrow . Personally , I wouldn 't go anywhere near a store on Black Friday . I hope everybody had a good day today , and gave some special thought to all the good things in our lives - the things we usually take for granted . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Today 's photo was taken in Lyons , NY . Posted by I 'm just too sleepy tonight - so I 'm off to bed for a little reading and some good sleep - time . I did get a bunch of chopping , mixing , and assembling stuff today . This photo is a street in Lyons , NY . Posted by Today was another gloomy chilly day today . I had to go back to Walmart today to get the few things I had forgotten yesterday . Yuck ! But I got there about 8 , so it wasn 't too bad . I went by the bank and got the cash I needed for our Xmas presents for the girls and grands . I have always written checks , but it 's been a hassle . Since we 'll be seeing at least all the parents this weekend , and most of the grands , I 'm comfortable with getting the envelopes to them directly . It 's certainly easier that way , and now it 's done ! ( Oops , sorry - now you know what you 're getting for Xmas . ) I got a little bit of " cooking " done this afternoon - made the dips for snacks . I 'll get most of the stuff that I can do ahead of time tomorrow afternoon and Thursday morning . It 's supposed to be cold enough Friday night that I 'll be able to use the big walk - in refrigerator ( the screened porch ) . I 'm always tired when I finish the cooking for Thanksgiving , but we do spread it out over three days . AND , I 've finally learned to sort of pace myself in the preparations . And there is so much good help . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Today 's photo is the courthouse in Lyons , NY . Posted by Betsy sent me a copy of this commentary from The Texas Tribune . I wanted to share this Dave McNeely piece about the talk by Lyndon Olson . Lyndon Olson : Disagree , Without Being DisagreeableWednesday , November 18 , 2009Dave McNeelyPerhaps it takes a former American diplomat to raise the question : why has our political discourse become so uncivil ? Lyndon Olson , the popular former Waco state representative and later Ambassador to Sweden , said many of those on the political stump and airwaves would draw failing marks if they were in the first grade . " I 'm not talking about your arithmetic or reading or penmanship grades , " Olson said , in a speech at the Center for Public Policy Priorities annual Legacy Luncheon in Austin on Thursday ( ( 11 / 12 / 09 ) ) . " I 'm talking about the comportment column , with things such as ' Exercises self - control ; Respects the rights of others ; Shows kindness and consideration for others ; Indicates willingness to cooperate ; Uses handkerchief ( important even before the H1N1 virus ) . ' " And , " Olson said , " my favorite was usually right up at the top of that six - week report card , and it 's of particular significance to our discussion : ' Plays well with others . ' In first grade , " We were being taught about and graded on one of the most fundamental skills of our civilization : how to get along with others , " Olson told the high - powered audience of about 500 . " There is a reason that ' Plays well with others ' was one of the first things we were taught and evaluated on . " Olson 's wasn 't the message one might expect from this year 's honoree of a group that strives to improve public policies to help those at the bottom of the economic food chain , . But Olson - - lauded by people across the political spectrum for his compassion , generosity , humor , and yes , civility - said he thought the subject was too important to ignore . " Where did all this come from ? " he asked . Those over age 40 " grew up in a political world with strong feelings and positions , yes . And we took swings at each other poPosted by It was yucky all day here - the high hovered around 50 , and it rained or drizzled constantly . The soup I made surely did taste good ! We did manage to accomplish the planned chores . I surely am getting a long list for Walmart for tomorrow - just the usual stuff for the cooking . It 's been fun reading the comic strip Cathy this week . She 's looking for holiday hints from her mother and mother - in - law . The mothers keep talking about recipes they get on line and short cuts and frozen stuff , and today decide that they can order everything from a local restaurant . I haven 't quite gotten to that yet , but I surely do things the easy way . So far , this is one time I really enjoy cooking . I guess it 's because I don 't have to make any decisions - the menu has been set for a long time . I always love to photograph windows , and this reflection abstraction was irresistible . Posted by And now it 's time to start the Thanksgiving prep . We 're getting more of a handle on who 's going to be here and when and for how long . . . always subject to change , of course . Today , I made some soup for dinner tomorrow and moved the turkey from the freezer to the fridge . And I made some of the dill oyster crackers . I 'm tentatively planning to have lasagna on Thursday night , country ham on Friday , and the turkey / fixings on Saturday . This , too , is always subject to change . Plus leftovers , naturally . We 've definitely decided to sign up for the Rice Alumni trip to Iceland next summer . And then , we need to decide about what else we can do after that . We always think we need to make our flights count . Today 's photo is the stern of Freedom , with the captain 's seat and the wheel . Posted by Today was lots busier than our usual Thursday . Our regular lunch group seems to have fizzled out - the last time we were there , nobody else showed up . So we decided to go to a second day of bridge from 10 - 1 today . It 's a nice group of folks - some of he same ones we play with on Mondays . Unfortunately , the cards went from mediocre to bad . Oh , well . A new Mexican restaurant has opened near the mall and civic center , so we decided to try it out for lunch after bridge . It was good - and we 're pleased to have a good Mexican place near the house . Home for a little bit , and then we headed back out for basketball . Our Lady Mocs played the Lady Bulldogs of Georgia . The gals did pretty good in the first half - leading by three points at half - time . Unfortunately , we had to come back for the second half . The Georgia coach obviously got their attention at half - time , because UGA pretty much took control in the second half . The final score was 74 - 57 , with UGA ahead . Oh , well - on to the next one . We " ate out " again for supper . . we stopped at Burger King for carryout on the way home from the game . Can you find the great blue heron in today 's reflection ? Posted by Today turned off SO pretty . It was cold and drizzly all day yesterday , and still yucky early this morning . Butn then the sun came out early , and it 's been nice . It 's down in the 40s now , though . At least the pool was open this morning . I don 't know what the problem was that caused it to be closed Monday and Tuesday . But we all do hate missing our exercise class and the social aspect . We watched TCM 's repeat of the Johnny Mercer special ( The Dream 's on Me ) tonight . That 's a great program , and we certainly enjoy all his wonderful music . I got started on the Thanksgiving planning and cooking today . I got the cranberry chutney made . We 'll start the country ham soaking on Sunday , and probably cook it on Thursday . Our main dinner will be on Saturday , I guess . Today 's photo is more Erie Canal Reflections . Posted by When we got to the Y this morning , we found out the pool was closed - something to do with the chlorine . Turns out it was closed last night . It 's a shame that they didn 't bother to call the instructors so they could call / e - mail the students . But our leader is trying to get them to do that in the future . Some of the group still went to Panera for coffee . That 's always fun , and I got to Walmart early . I had mostly pretty good cards today at bridge , so that was nice . Today 's photo is an old railroad bridge over the Erie Canal . Posted by Women 's college basketball is underway - finally . The Lady Vols beat Baylor 74 - 65 . The Lady Mocs beat Austin Peay 76 - 66 . The wonderful program , " Johnny Mercer : The Dream 's on Me " , is going to be rerun on TCM on Wednesday night , starting at 6 p . m . ET . This is to be followed by " The Harvey Girls " . November 2009 would have been Johnny Mercer 's 100th birthday , so TCM is having Johnny Mercer night on Wednesdays this month . Check your listings . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Motoring down the Erie Canal . Posted by Today , I did pretty much what I had planned . . . next to nothing ! I got my hair cut - the haircut that didn 't happen on Thursday . I got the scarf pinned down for blocking . For a special treat , I watched all of Oklahoma , uncut on TCM . And I read and knitted and that was about it . Lovely ! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - If you didn 't see Bill Moyer 's Journal Friday night , you missed a really good program . We had it recorded , and watched it tonight . Almost the entire program was an interview with Anna Deveare Smith . She has a play at the Second Stage Theater in Manhattan entitled " Let Me Down Easy " . You can CLICK HERE for the web site , and listen to the interview online . Smith is terrific ! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Another plug to go to CNN Heroes to vote for Jordan Thomas from Chattanooga for CNN 's Hero of the Year . I 've had the best time last night and today . Our Friends of the Library annual meeting was today , and our speaker was Allan Stypeck of Second Story Books in Washington , DC , and one of the NPR Book Guys . John and I picked him up last night at the airport , took him to his B & B , and took him to dinner . What a delightful story - filled man he is . We had a great evening , talking constantly . I picked him up this morning to take to the luncheon . His talk was great - all about how he got into the used / rare books business and why he stays in it . Plus he did some appraisals of books that folks brought in for him . Hearing how that process works was fascinating . I was so glad that I had been asked to undertake the " chore " of being his guide and chauffeur while he was here . And I really hated to leave him off at the airport . We 'll surely go by his store the next time we 're in DC . The day finished up with the Chattanooga Symphony . There was a guest conductor - another candidate for the position of Music Director / Conductor . This was a young man from Australia . He seemed to be very personable and interacted well with the orchestra members and the audience . It 's expected to take at least a year or so to choose the new Director . Part 1 : The guys from EPB came about 8 : 15 or so to install our new fiberoptic bundle . They finished up with the installation in about 1 1 / 2 hours , and then watched for another half - hour while we talked with the tech guy at EPB , getting the mail to download through John 's Windows e - mail program . We had one small glitch because I had not gotten the e - mail address correct , but we got it straightened out . Part 2 : We decided to go to the Thursday lunch , and drove over there - but nobody else showed up . We skipped lunch there , and went to the other side of town to get our haircuts . I had gotten the time wrong , and Rose wasn 't there ( not my day ) . So we headed on home . A nonproductive circuit of town . I got the address book copied into the new e - mail program , and sent out a change of address e - mail . Part 3 : I was due to pick up Allan Stypeck , the speaker for the Friends of the Library annual meeting . John and I met him at the airport and took him in to his B & B downtown . He got settled into his room , and then we took him out to dinner at one of our favorite restaurants . He 's a delightful man , and we talked easily about family and travels and activities . After dinner , I drove him around downtown Chattanooga for a bit , and then took him back to his " home " . I 'm looking forward to hearing him speak tomorrow . Today was a much more normal day - nothing much going on . Headed into another couple of busy days , though . Our Friends of the Library annual meeting is Friday . The speaker is coming in tomorrow afternoon . I 'm picking him up at the airport and will be taking him to his B & B , and then out to dinner . Plus , I 'll be his chauffeur on Friday , too - getting him to the luncheon , and then to the airport to get his return flight . I 've exchanged a couple of e - mails with him , and am looking forward to meeting him . He 's Allan Stypek , who was one of The Book Guys on NPR . He now has a used and rare book store in Washington , DC . And then we have symphony tickets for the concert on Friday night . John and Margaret will be going to Knoxville to a Lady Vols exhibition game on Sunday . So I think I 'll pretty much do nothing over the weekend . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The photo is exiting our first lock on the Seneca / Cuyohoga Canal . Posted by We 've had solid rain all day today . I don 't know how much - I 'll have to check the gauge in the morning after the rain stops . The surgeon said that he could now see new bone at the fracture site on John 's latest x - rays , and he could feel bone growth . And John is having no pain . So they are not considering any surgery right now , and he is to continue physical therapy for as long as he and the therapist feel he is continuing to make progress . And the surgeon says promised him that he would be able to row in the spring . So that 's where that stands . Today was a very long day for me . I left the house at 9 and picked up a book at the library . Next to get my car 's emission test so I can order new tags for 2010 . I went to the gallery for the day , but took time out to go with John to a lawyer 's office . We 've made a slight change in our medical power of attorney / living will , which required signatures and initials on four documents each , plus signatures of two witnesses and getting them notarized . I went back to the gallery and stayed until nearly 4 . I had an executive committee ( of the Friends of the Library ) budget meeting at 4 : 30 - I 'm VP for the upcoming year , so that 's another meeting for me . That ran long , of course , so I just stayed downtown to meet John and Allan at UTC for a concert by the UTC Symphony Orchestra . The first part was pretty good - understanding that these are just students . But the second part was pretty poor . Oh , well . . . . No time for supper before the concert , so I was pretty hungry when it was over . I had to drive home in the dark , in the rain ( YUCK ! ) , but I stopped to get a BK Whopper Junior and fries for supper . So now I 'm happily in my chair with the heating pad - and it 's still raining . Whew - I 'm not used to being out and about for 12 hours . I 'm headed for the bed shortly ! John and I finished first ( him ) and second at bridge last week . We knew we had good cards , but the numbers were exceptional . I had something like 8400 points and was second ; John had about 9500 to be first . For you non - bridge - players , these are huge numbers for 3 + hours of bridge . Of course , today , we got the corresponding mediocre cards . Sigh . . . . . . . . . . . . . . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I 'd like to recommend another blog . SQUARE SUNSHINE is written by a great photographer / writer in the UK . Give him a look . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - This is one last photograph of this old mill , with a rippled reflection this time . Posted by I do love reflections . This is the Seneca Knitting Mills , Seneca Falls , NY . It 's been vacant for a while , but is going to be rehabbed into the new building for the Women 's Suffrage Museum ( Seneca Falls is the home of the Women 's Suffrage Movement ) . Posted by In 2005 , Jordan Thomas was a 16 year - old prep school student from Chattanooga , on an annual family boating trip in Florida . A terrible accident occurred , and both Jordan 's legs were amputated . He underwent years of treatments and was fitted with top - of - the - line prostheses . His family had health insurance and was able to afford other parts of his treatment . During his rehab , he saw other amputees , children , whose families were unable to afford the quality prosthetics like the ones Jordan had received . Jordan has started the Jordan Thomas Foundation to raise money to help these children and their families get the treatment they need . Click here to read the full story of this young man and the work he has been doing . He has been chosen as one of the ten finalists for CNN Hero of the Year , with contributions to be made to his Foundation . At the top of the page with the story is a place to click to vote for the CNN Hero of the Year . Please go there and vote for Chattanooga 's Jordan Thomas . You can vote early and often ! VOTE HEREThis is Jordan Thomas . We had an artist 's reception this evening , so I was at the Gallery until about suppertime . John and I went out to dinner at one of our favorite places - Old Saigon . If you haven 't had Vietnamese food , you should give it a try sometime . It is so fresh and flavorful - and healthy . The flavors are very subtle , but distinct - if it 's possible to be both of those at the same time . Yum ! Vietnamese spring rolls are especially wonderful . Posted by The UTC women 's basketball season has finally started . We do go into basketball withdrawal in the summertime . The Lady Mocs played an exhibition game against Lee University . After a really slow start , the Lady Mocs kept the game well in hand . A couple of the freshmen got a lot of minutes playing , and looked pretty good . - - - - - - - - - - I finished Pat Conroy 's new book , South of Broad . This is more like the Conroy we loved in his first books . And the story definitely reveals his great love for Charleston . I 'll recommend this one . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Today 's photo is another iconic Wright feature . Posted by There were actually two new excellent shows on TV tonight . First we watched a great show about Johnny Mercer , the great lyricist , and his music on TMC . Mercer was born 100 years ago this month , so this channel is featuring his work during this time . What a treat to get to listen to this terrific music and learn more about this talented man . And , because our local PBS station showed it twice , we were able to watch the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor award show . The prize this year was awarded to Bill Cosby . This man has had a huge impact on American humor , and even his early work is still wildly funny and is actually timeless . We can all remember his piece about God telling Noah to build the ark . In any case , it was an unusual evening , and most enjoyable . These are the famous cantilevered balconies at Fallingwater that hang over the creek . They 're not quite level , but have been stabilized so they won 't sink any more . Posted by This story was reported on our NBC affiliate during the 6 p . m . news broadcast tonight . " Censorship " at Chattooga High : Photos Too Hot for Yearbook ? Posted : Nov 02 , 2009 6 : 15 PM EST Updated : Nov 02 , 2009 7 : 09 PM ESTBy David Carrolldcarroll @ wrcbtv . comSUMMERVILLE , GA ( WRCB ) - Some Chattooga ( GA ) High School students paid $ 50 in advance for their 2009 yearbook , but when they picked it up last week , four pages were cut out , literally . They were told the pictures were inappropriate . We wondered , how bad could they possibly be ? What type of photos were so scandalous , they had to be removed from an already - printed school yearbook ? The 2009 yearbook was delivered to students , two months late with pages 11 - 14 clipped out . The books arrived at Chattooga High in early September , but are just now going out to those students who had purchased them last year . On page 10 , you see part of a girl 's head , next to an unrelated page 15 . What happened to the pages in between ? 2009 grad Aaron Wentz said , " I was real upset , looks like it was done with a box cutter , you can 't miss it . It 's been mutilated . I paid for it in advance , it 's my property and the school has taken it upon themselves to rip it up . " The yearbook was dedicated to former Chattooga teacher Dr . Alan Perry , who supervised the yearbook for the past 27 years . After he retired in May , a new principal and yearbook advisor didn 't like what they saw : photos of shirtless boys playing basketball . So before distributing to students , they began the two - month process of cutting pages 11 - 14 out of every yearbook . Dr . Perry , who was able to obtain an original , uncut version of the yearbook , posted the pages on his Facebook site . He said , " I 'm very disappointed with the decision to mutilate a wonderful yearbook - - a decision that was completely unnecessary . There was absolutely nothing inappropriate about the pages that were cut from the book ; I am offended by the lack of regard shown for the students pictured on those pages , the students who worked on the yearbook staff last year , and most Posted by It was nice to see the sunshine all day today . We 're predicted to have some all - but - perfect weather this week - highs in the mid60s and lows in the mid40s . But it was still a day of rest . I 'm finally feeling better , so I think I 'm going to get into the regular Monday stuff tomorrow . We 'll see how long I last . Since we couldn 't take photographs inside Fallingwater on the tour we took , I 'll have just a few from the outside . Posted by We had nearly 2 " of rain in the last 24 hours . But it 's supposed to be a lovely sunny day tomorrow . We shall see . . . . Today was Halloween , and we did have some candy ready . But we had only one knock on the door ( 2 kids ) . At least I 've learned not to buy too much candy , and to buy something that we don 't like . The best news today was that Tennessee really " whomped up on " South Carolina tonight ! I hope everybody has remembered to change their clocks tonight ( fall back ) - at least most of the folks in the US . On our tour of Fallingwater , we couldn 't take photos in the house , so our photos are pretty much limited to quick outdoor shots . Here 's one from the most familiar angle . Posted by " When you were born , you cried and the world rejoiced . Live your life so that when you die , the world cries and you rejoice . " Cherokee Saying
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This year 's conference offered courses that emphasized the importance of theological and spiritual training for adults . Keynote speakers included Kevin Allen , Fr . Timothy Baclig , and Michelle Moujaes . Held at Antiochian Village in Ligonier , Pennsylvania , from November 5 - 8 . For most people in our society the Christmas season is a time of celebration , with holiday parties , and unleashed consumerism . For Orthodox Christians however the Advent Season is a time … Glory to God : A Secular Death Our modern world is increasingly finding ways to avoid the uncomfortable reality of death . Orthodoxy faces death directly and sees within it the triumph of Christ and His affirmation of … Glory to God : No Opinions Needed Fr . Stephen looks at the role of the passions in the formation of the modern soul . There is a better way to live . Orthodixie : Soteriology , Hesychasm And Huneycutt In Beaumont The words : soteriology , hesychasm , and vlachos were spoken recently in Beaumont , Texas - not to mention so - dzo , so - dzentai , huneycutt , and so - dzenestitai . ( Most holy Theotokos , save us ! ) Healing Addictions : Introduction Fr . Stephen Freeman : Well , it 's good to be here . I was here two years ago and enjoyed our time . It 's good to be back this year . It 'll be different than what we did then , although the book will be the same . I am working on another book right now that maybe this time next year will be in print . We 'll see how that goes . We 'll start today : Imagine that you 're in church - we did that just shortly ago - but something has happened to you or has been done to you that left you without sensory perception . You don 't see , you don 't hear , you don 't taste or smell . So what , then , is the experience of the Liturgy ? Set aside for a minute just how alarmed you would feel that you 've suddenly lost your senses ! Maybe when we finish the class today you 'll feel like you 've lost your senses . [ Laughter ] For one , you would feel a profound isolation . Not able to see , not able to smell , not able to hear . A sense of isolation . And at the most , what you would have is you would be lost within your thoughts . You could imagine the service or even think about the parts of the service that you remember , but needless to say it would be a very limited experience . What I want to suggest to you today is that this actually describes a lot of the modern experience , both of the Liturgy , but even more than that of life itself . This senseless experience has a name . I 'm going to be giving you a bit of a new definition with this , but this senseless experience has a name . It 's called secularism . Now , that may sound strange because in our secular world , it seems that people celebrate their senses - you pay money to celebrate your senses and to help people stimulate your senses - but in fact that 's not what 's going on . It 's not our senses … In fact , I did a poster a while back with a priest , and there 's a lot of incense and an iconostas , and it said , " Get out of your mind . Come to your senses ! The Orthodox Faith . " You 're welcome to make your versions of it and put it out there , because I think we finish listening to this today , it will perhaps make good sense . I want to give a definition of secularism as I use the term and it 's used by a number of others . If when you hear " secular , " you think about Church and state - don 't do that . It has nothing to do with these questions of Church and state . That 's just a false , modern use of the term . The term " secular " really presupposes that there is such a thing as a neutral zone , that we use words like " common , " " normal . " These value - laden words : " normal " experience , and by " normal " and " common " and all of these sorts of generalized words , we mean a world that doesn 't include God , that doesn 't include religious experience . An idea that it is possible to experience anything in the world , much less the whole world itself without God being there . That is a modern notion . It only goes back to about the late 1700s . It flows in some ways out of certain ideas that began … Actually , you 'd go crazy if you tried to figure out where ideas began , but it began to be an important part of the Protestant critique of Catholicism . It also began to be in the Enlightenment , the notion that you could have a neutral world . In the overturning of the classical Christian world that had obtained during the Middle Ages in Catholic Europe , as that 's being overturned , one of the primary driving forces was to remove the Church from its power not just in society but in daily life . There 's a wonderful little book - I 'm a student of the English Reformation , having once been an Anglican - written by a Catholic historian , Eamon Duffy , and it 's called The Voices of Morebath , and Morebath is a little village , and they have a record written in the hand of a single priest - it stretches over 50 years - of the English Reformation , from the time of Henry VIII through Bloody Mary through Edward VI and deep into Elizabeth 's time , in which he records life in the village of Morebath in the parish . This priest is a survivor . It 's tough to have lived through all of that and not gotten killed once - much less just twice or so . You can see it , and Duffy … I first read this book … The first few chapters were boring . They were full of primary historical information from a medieval village , and you 're just kind of moving along ; I 'm thinking , " If this book doesn 't get better in another chapter , I 'm going to quit , " but I hung in there because I love history , and eventually what starts unfolding , after you 've gotten all the data from life in this village , as you begin to see , you get to know these people . Not a big parish , not a big town . You get to know them and see what 's happening to them , to their children , to their grandchildren , to their church . And you see what happened in the course of a single fifty years in a village - not London , but a village - in England , and it was being repeated all over Europe , at least the northern parts , parts that had come under Protestants . It was a radical change . Not just the intellectual things I was taught in an Anglican seminary , the arguments between Protestants and Catholics . People going in their parish churches , that 's just not their issues . When Edward VI came on the throne and took England into a very strong Protestant direction , he died and was replaced by Mary , who undid everything he did : she was a Catholic . The people of Morebath , when she came on the throne , brought all their stuff back out for the church . They had just stuffed it away . They said , " You can 't have these statutes , you can 't have this , that , and the other . " It 's fine , so grandmother - they had yiayias in England back then [ Laughter ] and little babushki - they had this stuff stashed away and they brought it back in . They kind of restored the church . Under Elizabeth , after Mary died , they began to forget where the hiding places were . So things happen . One of the things that strikes me as very interesting - this may sound just like a historical detail - one of the things that happened was that there were approximately 50 feast days in Catholic England that were days off work . They were feast days : you go to church , have a festival , eat so much , break a fast , do the kind of things that Orthodox Christians would do on a feast day . 50 days : add it up , that 's seven weeks vacation a year . You don 't get that [ again ] until modern France . Under Henry VIII they abolished them all with the exception of , like , Christmas and Easter . There were later many studies that talked about how much more productive Protestant countries were than Catholic . Yeah , sure ! They abolished vacations ! You can get very productive if nobody can get a day off . So there 's really some skewed things - and that was used for years to beat the lazy Catholics of southern Europe , and the way the Germans beat the Greeks today . Maybe some people think there 's something more important in life than going to the factory every blinking day . Some called it a Protestant work ethic . That 's a really great idea , if you 're the one who owns the work and is making the money ; if you 're the king collecting the taxes : we 'll call it a work ethic . I call it abolishing vacation ! And they created , if you will , a " normal world . " The " normal world " is a false world , a false creation that was a political and academic creation to exile God . They were not bezbozhniki ; they were not atheists . But Henry VIII , for instance , abolished all of the monasteries in England . As I said , this was being repeated elsewhere across Europe . He abolished all of the monasteries in England , and with their abolition seized all of their land . To this day , the basic foundation of the wealth of the royal family of Britain comes from land stolen from the Church . That 's where the wealth came from : land stolen from the Church . Even the Soviets after the fall of their empire began returning land to the Church . English Christians never got such a good deal , but they 're in a " normal " country ; they 're in a progressive country , a country that has a reputation not as persecuting Christians , yet a country that still lives off the fruit of one of the most vast persecutions that ever took place in the Christian Church . Henry not only took the property ; he had most of the monks drawn and quartered . He was one of the bloodiest butchers in the history of the Church . They turned him into a sort of comic figure . I mean , he did to the monks worse things than he did to his wives . The only thing worse than being married to Henry VIII was to have been a monk in England . It was not a pretty picture , but it created the world that comes to America . They talk about America as a Christian country . America has never been aI remember as a kid growing up in South Carolina , there was a Catholic hospital in town . I can remember listening to adults talking , worried about going to that Catholic hospital to have a baby because if something happened wrong , they would always favor the life of the baby over the mother . That was just sort of … at least that was the Protestant kind of myth … I don 't even know if that was true or not ; I had no idea how that policy worked , but I know the women were afraid of them , Protestant women like my mama . But it created a world , if you will , with a notion of secular , that is , that there is a neutral zone . Now , today , we live in a culture that has raised the level of secular , in which it 's not just secular , a neutral zone , but it 's secular , in your face . " Get your God out of my life . " Or the signs that you see out there : " Get God out of my womb , " and there 's a lot worse than that that I 've seen now . I mean , it 's really … I was in Target , in the Target store in Knoxville , Tennessee , and Knoxville , Tennessee - we 're not talking hardcore secular here , in fact , according to one survey I read , Knoxville is the single most Bible - believing city in the country . I don 't know what that 's based on , just a survey said that , and I 'm from Greenville , South Carolina , and I don 't think Knoxville believes the Bible near as much as we did in Greenville . [ Laughter ] But I live in Knoxville now , but my hometown in Greenville had Bob Jones University . Boy , oh boy . Knoxville had nothing to compare with that . I 'm in a Target in Knoxville , in my cassock . There 's a lady there , and we 're standing in line to pay for our stuff , and she sneezes . So I said , " God bless you . " Didn 't make the sign of the cross , just said , " God bless you , " which , when I grew up , still was polite . Even a Baptist would say , " God bless you . " [ Laughter ] But she chewed me out . And I thought , " What has the world come to that I can 't bless somebody in Knoxville , Tennessee ? " Part of me was thinking , " Lady , I 'd have said something else if I 'd have known it was going to be an issue … " [ Laughter ] Like , " Get your germs out of my airspace ! " [ Laughter ] I mean , really . Cover your mouth . Anyway , part of me wanted to say , " Then how are you going to get your soul back in your body ? " [ Laughter ] I 'll bring my entire one - storey universe into Target if you don 't mind ! But the issue was I had just invaded her neutral zone . I had no business doing it . I love wearing a cassock in public , because it 's a walking sacrament . It 's a church . It just upsets people , and I love it ! [ Laughter ] It 's not that I like upsetting people , unless it 's for the right reasons . And it is the right reason , because secularism is a lie . There can be no world apart from God ! There just can 't be such a thing . You can 't have it . " In him we live and move and have our being , " the Scripture tells us . Every breath I take is the gift of God . Everything I see , it is a sacrament . Everything - this is the fullness of the vision . The earth is the Lord 's and the fullness thereof - the great vision in Ephesians 1 , where Paul says , " God has purposed to gather together in one all things in Christ Jesus . " I see these little bumper stickers in back of cars . Orthodox Christians ought to be careful with their bumper stickers . The one I like is that " If you love Jesus , honk 40 times . " That 's a good one . [ Laughter ] But these bumper stickers say , " Orthodox Christianity since 33 ADD " - no , no , no , not " ADD " ; I have ADD - " . . . 33 AD , " the year . The Orthodox Church does not begin in 33 AD . It began with : " Let there be light . " Let there be light . The Orthodox Church is God 's work of gathering all things together in one , in Christ Jesus . That 's what the Church is . The Church is not an organization among organizations . It is the life of God being gathered together into God . I tell people : The trees are Orthodox . The grass is Orthodox . I even describe myself now as " cradle Orthodox , " yeah , but I lived in schism from myself for 45 years ! [ Laughter ] In that sense , there are no converts . I had a member of my parish who was Russian . I baptized her and her whole family . They had grown up Soviet and they had no experience with God . I remember her husband said , " I don 't know how to pray . I don 't even know what it sounds like . " I 'm thinking : That 's a really neat thought . What do prayers sound like ? But I wouldn 't have ever asked it that way . But I baptized , I taught them . We started with " Bog " and taught them the faith , and we baptized the whole family in a big old horse trough in the basement of my house . It was the early days in our mission . A few years later , something came up and I said something to her and I referred to her as a convert , and she bristled , really big , and she said , " I am not a convert . Converts are people who choose . " I thought , " No American would ever brag about not choosing something . We 're choosy people . We define ourselves by that notion of freedom and choice and who I 've chosen to be . " She just looked at me and said , " Ya pravoslavniy ! - I am Orthodox ! I just hadn 't been baptized . " I thought : You know , you 're really right . To be an Orthodox Christian in the fullness is to become a human being . Is it Adam Roberts that 's developing the sort of catechesis or thing , and it 's called … " Becoming Truly Human . " I love that . I write about this . I talk this way a great deal in my parish . I tell people that this is one of the problems of the secular world and the secular mentality , is it actually robs us of our humanity . It robs us of our humanity and things that are important . My favorite story of this is of my wife in 1980 . We had our first child , and she wanted to nurse , which was very avant - garde in 1980 . Neither my mother nor my mother - in - law had nursed their children , because in the 1950s , doctors said , " We now know " - I love this - " Science has shown us , we now know that you need to buy your milk , shop for it , because we can make it better , " and [ things ] like that . And women didn 't nurse . They just didn 't nurse . So our first child was born , and she was born a little early and the nursing reflex wasn 't fully developed , and there was a problem at home . The baby 's unhappy , my wife is unhappy , and believe you me , I am unhappy . [ Laughter ] So we didn 't know what to do , but finally my wife looked things up . You know , the underground network that women have to connect with one another , and someone told her about La Leche League . Two women came over to our house , and in eight hours , taught a young week - old baby how to nurse . I didn 't know you can teach babies anything , but apparently you can . And the baby 's happy , my wife is happy , and I 'm just happy and got some sleep , but imagine . Imagine a world where doctors tell human beings who belong to the species of mammal - think about the meaning of the word - that " You 're not supposed to nurse . " Of course , all the doctors got lactation specialists : " We now know … " [ Laughter ] But they 'll still sell you the formula in a heartbeat . They 'll still do that , and a lot of people are still very superstitious . I have women who say things like , " How do I know if the baby 's getting enough ? " I 'm thinking , " I know , they need a little window or something so you can tell , like on the bottles , " but I mean , what kind of a modern world do we live in that you can convince people that their bodies are naturally made for something that you don 't need ? We also have created , for instance , a sexual society that would be impossible without the intervention of technology . Oh , yeah . Our family planning - I 'm not trying to argue against it , per se , but an average bedroom has a lot of technology , so we can control what we do . Of course , the ultimate technology with regard to children is killing them . We bring that technology in as well . We believe we can manage and control the world . Again , it 's a world without God , but it 's also a world without our humanity . Little wonder that young couples think that sex is about pleasure . I 'm just very up - front with them , and I teach our teenagers about sex and stuff in the Church . I say , " Look , it 's for making babies . It happens to be fun , because you probably wouldn 't do that if it weren 't . " [ Laughter ] It 'd be kind of icky . But , you know , God made it fun , but he didn 't make it just for fun , but our culture has divorced our humanity from our pleasure , so we become like I described us , actually removed from our senses . The secular world , the world that I call the " two - storey " world , is the world in which we live in our heads . We live in our heads . The heads are the second floor , I think . And we have a problem : even when we do have our senses , we go to church and we have so much trouble trying to get out of our mind and coming to our senses . We go to church , my mind wanders . It 's all these things like this . I jokingly said , but it 's true : I do have ADD , and I 've talked with a lot of others . It 's very difficult to pray or to do a lot of things because your mind , because of some wiring , who knows what , probably because my mother didn 't nurse me … [ Laughter ] My mind wanders . I stand in the altar , and I 'm there . My mind 's doing this , or it just gets tormenting and you 're just thinking about everything you can imagine that people might be thinking and you just get angry , you have that conversation and all this stuff is going on . I stand there , and I sense my standing there is my first prayer . For myself , I have to get grounded , I have to quit thinking that what 's going on in my head is what 's going on . It 's the noise , and it 's a very noisy place sometimes . Sometimes grace comes and I can pay attention and I do pay attention and it 's so sweet - but I am there . The Orthodox Church , which is a very one - storey experience , says , " Taste and see . Hear . Touch . Smell . " I tell our converts - well , since we don 't have any converts … [ Laughter ] - we tell these people who are discovering their humanity and coming back to the Church that in the Orthodox Church we put grace on a spoon , because these theories of communion with Christ that are based on intellect , that I think about him , that I remember him , or something like that , these memorial theories that are common among Evangelicals - by the time you 've left where you were , standing or in your pew , and try to get to communion , your mind has gone everywhere . Jesus says : I know your mind 's gone everywhere . Here ! Here : Take . Eat . He never did say : Take , think . He said : Take , eat . Drink . We barely and understand this . Eating and drinking is an act of worship . The Fathers said , " The soul will do what the body does . " So you want to pray ? You want to get your mind right ? Do a prostration . Almost every book of prayers in the Church suggest that you begin with prostrations , because your soul needs to get down . You humble your soul with your body . It 's why we fast . We 're just trying to get back to our bodies in a culture that has told us that sentiment is the thing . Fr . Alexander Schmemann described secularism as the greatest heresy of our time . He did not say simply that it was a heresy , but the greatest heresy . He didn 't just say it was a wrong idea ; he said it was a heresy , because it 's actually rooted in Christian thought . Not Orthodox Christian thought , but it 's rooted in it , and frankly , as we listened to that survey last night , which is chilling , to say the least , I was sitting next to an Anglican priest who is inquiring about Orthodoxy , and we were chatting and stuff and sharing notes . He 's sitting there , and I 'm thinking to myself , " My God , do you really want to get into this ? You almost scared him away , Kevin . " [ Laughter ] But the only thing keeping him there was that the fire is even worse where he is now ! This is what secularism has done to the Church . It 's not just a failure of education , because everybody born in this culture is born into the secularism . It is the default position of our world . It 's how we think . Many Orthodox Christians will think that when they walk outside the door of the church , they 're in the normal world , and church is somewhere they go to pray and worship . If you were in Romania or some other deeply Orthodox countries , you can hardly go a hundred yards without running across a shrine . Everywhere you go , the faith is there . Even , I like visiting England , and England has the leftover traces of a once - upon - a - time Orthodox nation . The names of villages and towns are for shrines and saints , and if you know , you 've got a good map , there 's a wonderful Orthodox priest up on the border of England and Scotland who 's done a book that 's sort of a detailed map of going and visiting Orthodox Britain and trying to find these sites and places . It 's wonderful and filled with stories , and you realize these wonderful English names like Mildred and Ethel are actually saints ' names . At one time in the eighth , ninth century , there were 28 canonized saints in the royal family of the British Isles alone . Yeah . Although the presentSchmemann , though , talks about a distinction between symbol - well , we 'll talk a minute about symbols and symbolism . It is correct as an Orthodox Christian to talk about the world as symbolic , if you understand what a symbol really is . The early Fathers would even use the word " symbol " in the East , could use the word " symbol " with regard to the Eucharist , but it changed . The meaning changed in the West , and today if you say " symbol " in our modern world , it means something that stands for something that 's not there . In that sense , it 's a sign of absence : something 's not there . It 's just the opposite : the word " symbol " in Greek , symbole , means to throw two things together . So a symbol is something that makes present that which it represents . Icons are symbols . That which the icons represents is truly present . I noticed - I 'm just sort of an observer watching Orthodox folks - Greeks tend to cross themselves like this . As St . John Chrysostom said , they were swatting flies . It 's just a little short thing , but I notice them . At church on Sunday , we get a variety of things , but every so often I have a visitor come in , stand in front of the icon - stand stock still , staring , for a long time , and then cross themselves very slowly and big , and I think : Russians . [ Laughter ] One of my Russians , Dimitri , I said , " Dimitri , why do y ' all do that ? I see this , all them Russians , you stand so carefully in front of the icons and you stare … What are you seeing ? " He said , " Ah . When you Americans look at an icon , you see an icon . When I look at an icon , I see God . " This was a very one - storey experience , that the presence remains . It remains and is there . Our two - storey world , I see the icon , and I think about it , so what I experience is my thoughts . I don 't experience the icon ; I think about it , and all of these occasions of my senses I use only as occasions to think . So I 'm lost in my head , and a one - storey experience is sort of like learning to get out of your head . I have said before , and I 've noticed this , too , that with a first time that a normal - see there 's that word , normal - secular American encounters a one - storey Orthodox Christian , they will strike them as " superstitious . " Oh , yeah . They strike them as superstitious . It 's interesting , the word " superstition " means to stand over . It means to stand over , the root meaning either standing over to see something in awe or , more likely , the notion that there is something standing over the thing you see , that there 's actually something present there . As I said , we see the world as symbol , as in everything we see is a reflection and bears something else . Every tree on earth participates in the wood of the Cross . We believe this . Trees , in that sense , have a kind of holiness about them . We 're not pantheists - some of you use the word panentheist , but you 've just got to find some kind of language where you realize : We think the world is holy . The whole world is a cathedral , the whole world is a church . The church we go in is an icon of the world . It reveals the truth of the world to us . It is not a place to get out of the world ; it is a place to get into the world . The church shows us what the world is . Jesus , looking down , and we see this . Surrounded by the great cloud of witnesses of the saints , it simply shows us what the world truly is , and I love it . In some churches , you 've got the big blue ceiling with the little stars and stuff . What is this ? It 's the world ! Where do you think you live ? It 's in the presence of God , the presence of God is everywhere . It 's Patriarch Bartholomew who 's written and said in modern times that the whole world is a sacrament . The whole world 's a sacrament . I can encounter God - I should encounter God everywhere . The lady in Target , she doesn 't want me to bless her , and I should have said , " What are you doing in my church ? " [ Laughter ] Because this is my church . I joke about it , but I 'm sort of the vicar of Oak Ridge . Oak Ridge , Tennessee , is a science city with 25 , 000 . I wear my cassock everywhere . I 've actually been there for 25 years , because I was for nine years the Anglican rector in town before I became Orthodox , but they all know me and I 'm around . They see me with my cassock , and I go everywhere . I 'm one of these people that likes to turn a place into a small town ; I want to know everybody . I want to know . My wife , we 'll be going somewhere , and she wanted to go through the drive - through at the pharmacy . I said , " No , no , I want to go in . " And she said , " Oh , Stephen , it takes you so long ! " [ Laughter ] And I said , " I know , but these are my people . I need to check on them and I know [ their ] name , and they know me , and we talk about stuff . I mean , what 's life for ? " There 's too many people living in the drive - through . I want to walk in ! I 'm their priest . They 're not yet in my parish , but I 'm their priest . They give me prayer requests . I love going to Waffle House , one of my favorite places in places in town , and I go in and it 's " Hi , Fr . Stephen ! " I 'll sit down , and they 're not even remotely Orthodox in there , but it 's wonderful Southern cooking and the prices are great , and I get prayer requests and it 's just wonderful . I love being in there . I also get called names in Walmart . Some people in town think I 'm a Jew . I have no idea ; they watched a movie or something . No , no , no … [ Laughter ] But I 'll take it . But making God present in the world and refusing , in the name of God , refusing to leave . We do not have to give up the world . It belongs to God . They won 't like it , they may eventually want to kill us , but I hope that they can find enough about us to find us guilty of Christianity so that we don 't simply live secular lives that blend . There is in a lot of modern Christianity , this secularism has so invaded that there 's a loss of the sacrament . In Evangelical Christianity , the notions are simply that I have accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior - I have chosen him ; I have made my shopping decision ; I have chosen him , and that 's what matters . Baptism , it would say , is simply an obedience that shows that I 've made the choice or decision , but essentially they don 't think anything happens . In fact , when I try to explain what we think , I 've had some of them try to tell me , " Well , that 's just magic . " I think : Isn 't it ? [ Laughter ] The whole world 's magical ! What do you think ? We came into existence out of nothing ! How 's that for you ? I mean , really ! Just these strange ideas that are there . When I write , and I do hammer , especially the last couple of years , I 've been hammering a lot on issues of modernity and in secularism , and it 's really going at this stuff . We have something to say . We don 't have to apologize for our Christianity . It 's secularism that 's crazy ! It 's secularism that 's divorced from their bodies , that 's divorced from their senses , that is living a kind of intellectualized existence . I mean , for heaven 's sakes , we 've got issues going on now that if the guy says he thinks he 's a girl , he can go into the girls ' restroom ! And they 're going to do this with teenagers ! [ Laughter ] I 'm sorry , but I don 't know , but that would have been popular in my high school . Join the club . I mean , it just … The idea trumps your body . What I think about myself is what I am . I 'm totally sympathetic and understanding that there 's people who experience a sort of dysphoria with regard to their body . It is clearly , however , a mental illness . There 's people who go to doctors who want them to cut a limb off , because they want to be handicapped . It is , again , another form of dysphoria , but it doesn 't happen to have the political cachet of the sexual stuff going on right now . Things that are clearly insanity are being law , and we may have to struggle with that , but we don 't have to apologize for struggling with it . For heaven 's sakes , they 're trying to … This is like trying to outlaw breasts on women or something . It 's insanity . We are what we are , and of course it 's a struggle . Of course it 's a struggle . Being a human being , we 're full of struggle . Life is a struggle , but as the Orthodox Church what we want to help people to do is struggle to get in the true normal world which is the kingdom of God , to come back to their senses , to come back to their humanity , and do the honest struggle . The great important thing to me about the Church is the Church must become a safe place , especially in these dangerous days to come , the Church needs to become a safe place . That safety , to me , is a place that makes it safe to bear your shame . Safe to bear your shame . I could do a whole long talk on the topic of shame . I may be a book on it , too . It 's really been something close to my heart over the last few years . It 's the most painful thing we experience in our lives , and whether it 's sexual shame or other kinds of shame , people need to be safe , because the only way to bear shame , ultimately , is to be vulnerable to it . Elder Sophrony says , " Teach them to bear a little shame . " You just do it a little at a time . They have a Church where it 's safe to do that . Someone [ was ] asking the question last night about support for Orthodox Christians who are having difficulty with their sexual identity . I 'm almost hesitant to use the word " gay " because it 's a modern creation of the notion that I 'm not certain is even true , but still this is important . I want to close out with just a little bit of a quick theological … Do we stop at … How far do we go ? Aw , heck ! I 've got plenty of time . [ Laughter ] We 're just starting . Oh , good . I was feeling pushed here , suddenly , yeah ! Fr . Stephen : That 's before a Q & A , yeah . Good . I 'm just watching this clock over there , and I 'm just sort of having that anxiety that I was about to run out of time . I was hurrying faster than I needed to . God 's gifts to us are not here to alienate us from the world around us , but to connect us to the world around us . It 's interesting : when you read Orthodox writings about prayer , like the Jesus prayer , or reading in the Fathers and stuff , and they 'll talk about " noetic experience , " from the word for nous , it 's very tempting in the modern world to get very much in your brain and in your thoughts when you read things like that . You get into kind of a discursive version of meditation , what you 're trying to think on things . It doesn 't work . It 's just more noise among the rest of the noise . It doesn 't get you there . There 's a sense in which I sort of emphasized this today : noetic experience is pretty close to non - discursive experience . It is not made up of words . It 's much more a direct apprehension . The nous is the faculty by which we perceive God and all things in their truth . When you perceive God , you don 't have words . You just perceive God , or in the sacrament or whatever . As I say , as a priest with ADD , when I have those quiet moments , my brain actually stops , and I 'm present in the altar , it 's like paradise - paradise . I think , " O God , please let me stay . Let me stay . Let it be quiet for a while . " But that 's why we call the practice of prayer " hesychia " : it 's quiet , and it 's not just being quiet outside , it 's mostly being quiet inside , so that you can perceive . This is a faculty of the soul . In other words , it 's natural , and it 's part of being human to have a noetic apprehension - not apprehension ; whatever ; " apprehension " would work - of the world . And the Church is filled with these things . It 's like : " Be still and know that I am God . " That knowing that comes in stillness is a noetic perception of God , and you cannot get that in the secular experience . As I said , the secular experience , the second storey is simply thought about the world . I might add , not only is it thought about the world , because that can almost sound nice and intellectual , but we don 't experience so much thought about the world as we experience noise about the world , we experience anxiety about the world , we experience feelings , passions , and all . We were having a conversation , at table , one of the meals already , about Evangelical worship . Evangelical worship , which permeates our South but is also widely spread across an increasing number of churches , is geared towards the passions . It 's not meant to be , but it is , in that it means to appeal to the same things that advertising appeals to . Advertizing is completely geared toward the passions . I mean , what do scantily - clad girls have to do with Corvettes ? But you won 't see one without the other in an ad . What 's that about ? We know what that 's about ! But it 's how we sell things . You go into church - I spoke a few weeks ago at an Evangelical college near Knoxville , and it 's really kind of interesting . It 's a jarring kind of experience that the whole student body is there ; it 's a big convocation , and it 's mega - church . There 's rock - and - roll - actually really good rock - and - roll ; I was impressed - but it was well - done , the words up and the videos and everybody . It was great . I had a great time . And then I walk out . It 's sort of jarring for them , like : " Uh - oh . " [ Laughter ] " Oh my God , it 's that guy from Target ! " [ Laughter ] I think to myself , " What can I say to these people ? " It 's my second time to speak there , and it 's a kind of challenge to find the right thing to say , partly because they want me to speak to their passions . They would like , when I 'm done , to say , " Gosh , that was great ! And I 'm not going to remember it the next week , but , gosh , that was great . He tells great stories . He 's funny . " He 's funny : what is that ? What is that ? It 's not nothing ; it 's just the passions . In a sense , if church is marketing to the passions , then all it 's doing is making more passionate people , which is , in Scripture , called slaves , slaves to the passions . It 's difficult in Orthodoxy , because we want to free you from your passions . So I tell people when they come to exploring the Orthodox Church , I 'm very honest with them ; I said , " Prepare to be bored . You need to be bored - because you 're just riddled with passions , and you may really like this at first , but it 'll get boring , because if it 's not boring to you now , the devil will show you soon just how boring it is , and he 'll tell you : Gosh , this is boring . Is he ever going to finish ? Or whatever 's going on : gosh , we 're singing that same thing again this week . Or : these psalms . [ Groan ] Psalms , psalms , psalms , psalms . " I always tell them : And you ain 't seen nothing . Go to a monastery . It is hours and hours of this stuff . Psaaalms . I tell them : You need to understand , when we worship , we believe we 've gathered together in worship in order to waste time in the presence of God . What do you think worship is ? Worship is wasting time in the presence of God , because we really , really don 't have anything better to do . That I find it boring is my problem , because I 'm a slave to my passions . So of course I find it boring . That 's what not having your passions stimulated for a while feels like . It 's called " boredom . " So you have to work with it . Our children - we have no nursery - half my congregation is shorter than this . It 's amazing . It 's noisy , it 's busy . There 's all of them coloring on the floor . Sunday morning , it 's just everywhere . Ignoring me as I preach . They 're actually doing what their parents wish they were doing . [ Laughter ] It gives their parents something to do , kind of watch them and worry about them so they don 't have to really have to pay attention to the service because it 's boring . But they 'll learn ; as children they learn . But I watch , for instance , when they come into church , I built a little icon - stand about this tall . It 's in my narthex , and the children come in , just barely able to walk , and they go up and kiss the icon . I so love it . They 're learning , learning on a very visceral , noetic level . Your body - your body - is closer to a noetic experience than your brain is , because it tends to experience rather directly . So God has given us a lot of physical experiences in church and would like you to pay attention to them . With the children - I remember when I was an Episcopalian , they always had debates about " should children be given communion ? " Not a question in Orthodoxy . Old - line , in the Old Country , only the children are taking communion ! The adults , the question is : Can adults take communion ? [ Laughter ] No , it 's for children . [ Laughter ] But they would wonder about it , but " they don 't understand . " I would just start laughing . " They don 't understand " - you understand ! ? No , no , no . They understand , in the way that understanding is real and true . I remember a child saying to me , " When I go to church , I eat Jesus , and someday , if I keep eating Jesus , I 'll be filled with Jesus ! " I thought , that 's theosis . That 's pretty well … It 's stated simple , but that 's pretty well it . Hopefully they wouldn 't outgrow that theology , this understanding . This is pretty close to it . But coming into this sense of a one - storey world , as I say , coming back to our senses , sometimes it looks like superstition and therefore occasionally troubles people . I think it 's important that , particularly when we 're doing adult education , that we not just confine ourselves to the ideas of our faith . The ideas are important , but oftentimes there is , because of how our culture is , it thinks of Orthodoxy as a set of beliefs . That 's kind of right . It 's probably more accurate to say it 's a set of practices . It 's something that we do . We do it because we believe it , but the doing is even more important . It should become a habit and a way of life , something that is internalized . My dear Russian who was baptized had never been in the door of a church in her life until she came into our - at that time , we were in a storefront - until she came to the storefront , but I remember later … The bishop of Pittsburgh - long story - donated six pews to my parish ; we didn 't have any . Actually , he donated a bunch of stuff from a parish they closed here in Pennsylvania . It was Archbishop Kyrill , and he called Archbishop Dmitri who famously did not like pews . He called him and said , " We 're closing a church " - this was in Newcastle , Pennsylvania - " Send up a mission team and we 'll hand them down some stuff . " So we got some candlestands and things like this when we were in the warehouse . He said , " Take it . Anything you can get , do it . " And we 're out there , and he tells the guys who were loading the truck , he said , " Get the pews . " There were like six oak pews . So they unbolted the pews and they get the pews , and he said , " Tell Archbishop Dmitri they 're for him . " [ Laughter ] So we have these six pews at St . Anne 's , and they 're sort of around , around the walls and things like that , but my dear Russian lady who had never been to church in Russia , she said , " It just seems wrong to sit down . " And I thought : Yeah , I understand . It 's comfortable . That seems terribly wrong to her , that you should be comfortable in church . Again , the praxis , the actual practices , she gets that . Your feet should hurt a little . It 's okay to sit some . It depends on how … your parish may have different kinds of practice with this . In the South , we OCA oftentimes don 't have pews , because Archbishop Dmitri did not like them . He built his cathedral in Dallas . The fire marshals asked him , " How many will the cathedral seat ? " He said , " Oh , about seven . " [ Laughter ] There were a few chairs … In cultural thought of Christianity , in particular sort of popular Christianity , the question of " What did God do for us ? How is it that we are saved ? " comes up . This is an important question for us as Orthodox Christians as well and goes to the very heart of what we believe and how we practice . The primary notion of salvation in the Protestant world , but I hear it often , some version of it , among the Orthodox as well , is a notion Protestants call the substitutionary atonement . I call it " legal model . " That is : you did something wrong and you 're guilty , and because you 're guilty you deserve to go to hell , but God loves us and Jesus paid the price for us so that we don 't have to go to hell and we can get out . That 's how I was raised and nurtured on for the Baptist Church . In South Carolina , everybody 's born a Baptist . Catholics are born Baptists in South Carolina . It just permeates everything . That 's how I started off my life . My parents became Orthodox at age 79 . God is good . At age 13 , I guess I was a budding theologian , but I remember the afternoon very clearly . It dawned on me , thinking about the way I had been told how Jesus saved us that it dawned on me that all of the problem about human sin was God 's problem , that he was upset about what we had done and we had offended him and we were deserving of going to hell , but it also dawned on me , if he had just chilled out , we could all be all right . Well , actually , the logic was there and I 'm 13 years old - 13 - year - olds are very logical - so I committed my first act of blasphemy - not my last , but my first - and I remember kind of shaking my fist at God and saying , " If you 're going to send anybody to hell , then I don 't want to go to heaven . " And I quit . I quit God . I quit Christianity for a little while , because , in a way , that experience … I sometimes say to atheists , " Tell me about the God you don 't believe in . I probably don 't believe in that one either . " That was really my first experience of rejecting a false God , because this account is a false account . One of the problems about it , too , though , is that this sin is abstract . If I 'm driving down the highway , as I was this … My control was set at 80 as I 'm rolling up the various interstates between Tennessee and Pennsylvania . Frankly , me and the rest of the traffic was doing the same . I guess 80 was pretty good . The signs said 70 , occasionally 65 , but if everybody 's doing it , that 's what you do , especially if the trucks are there with you . I don 't want to … You 've got to stay with traffic . Did I feel guilty about that incredible stretch of lawbreaking I 've just engaged in ? You know what ? Not a bit . I mean , I know I broke the law - this is being recorded ? [ Laughter ] I plead the fifth . It 's really only bad if I get caught , right ? If you get pulled over , and then there 's that whole experience of shame and guilt and things like that , but mostly you feel unlucky . It doesn 't really touch the core of my being . It 's not about that . To treat sin as a legal problem really just doesn 't go to what 's going on in our lives and what it 's really about . And it also doesn 't preach any more . Young people don 't believe it 's a legal problem . The moral approaches to Christianity are currently running on bankrupt . They do not preach . They do not have a culture that agrees enough with the moral teaching of the Church for us to make an appeal when we try to teach . People need to understand sin in a much deeper and more profound level , and this is certainly the Gospel as it 's understood in the Orthodox Church , and again it is a very one - storey approach . It 's an approach that unites us with God . What we say as Orthodox Christians is that sin is death . As St . Paul says , " The wages of sin is death , " and we broke communion with God . This is the way St . Athanasius describes it in his book , On the Incarnation . Someone mentioned using that as a study book . Gee , I really recommend it . It is so good . You read it and you think , " This thing is really old , but it 's very , very good . " We broke communion with God who is the Lord and Giver of life and in him we live and move and have our being . When you break communion with God , you begin to die . The moral stuff you do wrong are just symptoms of death . It 's just what death looks like . First it kind of rots you . I volunteer once a week in a drug and alcohol treatment center . I love working with alcoholics ; I love working with drug addicts . Life is so primary . Boy , they really understand that it 's not a legal problem . You 've got a legal problem - well , a lot of them who are in the treatment center I work in do have a legal problem and a bracelet on their ankle , and they 're the ones least likely to recover , because they 're there by a legal order . They think they have a legal problem . One of my favorite experiments to do with a group is to get them to imagine that they have $ 50 million in the bank account , and I really get graphic of imagining . I make them tell me what bank it 's in , and you 've got the checkbook . You know you can write the check on it . Once I get them really kind of into the deep imagination of $ 50 million , I ask them , " If this is true , how many of you would be here tomorrow ? " Boy , there 's no hands [ that ] go up . And I said , " So , we need to get clear then : you don 't think you have an addiction problem . You think you have a money problem . " I did this once , and there was a guy with tears running down his cheek , and he said that when he was 18 , he inherited three million dollars . Now he was in the shoestring - believe me , a real grim - looking shoestring operation of a treatment center , with nothing . You can blow three million bucks in no time on friends , drugs , and cocaine and alcohol , women , cars , whatever . It 's just all gone . He was just like : " I do not have a money problem . I had a money problem . Now I don 't have a money problem . I have a drug problem . " Sin is like that . It 's not a legal problem ; it 's an ontological problem . It 's a matter of your being , your very being . We have death at work in us . It 's interesting . How do you translate phthora ? It 's from the Greek . It literally means corruption . It 's what your body does when it dies and the worms start in . It 's phthora , corruption . We have it : " Who without corruption gave birth to God the word , " when we sing to the Mother of God . I noticed , I guess , Antiochians we 'd be singing , " without stain . " This is very , very Western language - forgive me , but it is , because it has to do … And we sing , " without defilement , " and neither word , neither " defilement " nor " stain , " translate phthora very well . The word has a lot to do , actually , with the perpetual virginity of Mary , that is , without suffering any damage to your virginity , your body , you gave birth to God the word . In my parish we follow a little different … We say , " remaining virgin , you gave birth to God the word , " which translates the idea of it . We wrestled , we used all three , we tried different things , and right now the bishop 's not watching very closely , so we 're trying different things . [ Laughter ] We have a locum tenens . Is this being recorded ? [ Laughter ] But " remaining virgin , " but trying to get at … I need to get my people - a lot of them are former Evangelicals - I need to get them away from this legal mindset . I don 't want them hearing " defilement " or " stain . " It 's not your problem . Your problem is you 're dying . You have a mortal disease called sin . AA says alcoholism 's not a moral problem ; it 's a disease . I 've heard some people want to argue about that . They 're right , ' cause sin 's not a moral problem - or they say alcoholism 's not a sin ; it 's a disease . Sin 's not a sin . Sin is a disease . That 's a much better way to … That 's why the Church is a hospital , by the way , for sinners , because you have a problem and it even shows up in your flesh . We use flesh terms to talk about it : corruption is rot . Rot . Why do we have incorrupt bodies of the saints ? It 's a sign of the holiness in them . Their bodies don 't rot . This is very one - storey . It 's not a legal problem . You 've got a rot problem . I 'm getting old . Yesterday I saw a priest buddy of mine . I first met him in the early ' 90s . We were younger back then . We were in our early , mid - 40s , early 40s or so . Actually , Fr . Gregory Mathewes - Green , who 's white - haired , too , now , and he 's complimenting my wife , how lovely she looks and how good she 's doing . He looked at me , he said , " Why , you 've gotten old ! " [ Laughter ] I 'm thinking , " Man , that 's unkind ! " Tomorrow , I mean Monday , I turn 62 , and this is starting to be not funny any more . It 's corruption . Yes ? Fr . Stephen : Not really . Resurrection solves the problem . Only resurrection solves the problem . You see , that 's one of the problems of an Evangelical theology . They don 't know why you need a Pascha . You need Jesus to die on the cross to do the payment , but they don 't need Pascha . They have it ' cause it 's in the Bible , and he 's raised from the dead which basically means so they can have a happy ending , but the resurrection - they don 't really know why [ there is a ] resurrection . We do . Jesus , we know why he dies . Not to pay a price - who 's he going to pay ? St . Gregory the Theologian said : Who is the blood paid to ? To his Father ? Absolutely not . To the devil ? He said that is an abomination ! No , no , no . And then he said at the end of this matter there 's a great silence . He said there 's not an answer to it . The truth is , the blood as payment is a metaphor , not to be tried to taken into some kind of metaphysical explanation . The best way to describe it is how we describe it in Pascha . First , Jesus became what we are so that we might become what he is . How we tell the Gospel story - and this is so important , I think , in grounding people , grounding people , grounding people in their Orthodoxy and weeding out this sort of kind of Westernized thought that 's there . God became what we are . He became flesh , or , in 2 Corinthians 5 - this is a shocking verse , and I 'm surprised at how many Orthodox don 't know it - [ 2 Corinthians 5 : ] 21 - 22 , somewhere around there : " He made him to be sin , who knew no sin , that we might become the righteousness of God . " It didn 't even say he put sin on him . Didn 't say he considered him sinful . Didn 't say he paid the price . He said he made him to be sin . Boy , that 's a troublesome verse ! He becomes sin without sinning . He is without sin , and yet he became sin . Now , here 's the interesting thing with this . Because Christ became sin , you and I have union with God in our sin . One of our problems is we keep trying to have union with God in our righteousness . You can 't have it . Your righteousness , as Paul says , is like filthy rags . It 's no good . God save me from excellent people . They do - you may have done this , too , in your parishes . They do like a gifts - and - talents survey . It 's great . They do it in the business world , too . They do it in Evangelical churches . You get a gifts - and - talents survey , find what everybody 's good at , and hopefully get them in their jobs , what they 're good at . You know what that is ? That 's called a colony of hell . How can anybody be saved doing what they 're good at ? You need to be saved by getting weak , by being broken , by coming face - to - face with your sin . That 's how you get saved . Paul , St . Paul , was so righteous - he said it himself : " Concerning the law , I was blameless . " Paul was so good , so good God sent a demon - calls him a thorn in the flesh , to buffet him - and when Paul prays and says , " Take it away , " he says , " I prayed three times . " I mean , for Paul , apparently that 's serious . I prayed three whole times , Paul . [ Laughter ] And God did not take it away . Instead , God said to him , " My strength is made perfect in weakness . " As a confessor and hearing stuff like that , people will say , " You know , Father , I keep falling into the same thing , " and I 'm thinking , " Yeah , if you got over it , God could send you a demon . Would you like that ? " [ Laughter ] Sometimes , we keep trying . This is good , but for heaven 's sake , you keep falling into it , at least let it humble you . Bear a little shame , and enter into your weakness and even into your sin , and there you will find union with Christ who enters into the depths of hell and death , as we celebrate at Pascha , he enters hell to the very deepest parts of hell , unites himself with us , and takes us with him . Pascha : Jesus is kicking down doors and getting us out of there . Fr . David ? Fr . David : A book I would recommend is called The Gifts of Imperfection [ by ] Brené Brown . He 's not writing it from an Orthodox perspective , but - wow . Fr . Stephen : Fr . David 's recommending the book - this is for the recording purposes - by Brené Brown called The Gifts of Imperfection . She is a psychologist and a researcher and has written a lot of excellent stuff on the topic of shame . I recommend almost any of her books . Fr . Stephen : As I 've mentioned , it 's something that matters a lot . Orthodox theology is a seamless garment . Everything is connected . It 's all one thing . It works if you kind of stay in this model of union , that God united himself with us that we might become what he is . Jesus becomes what we are , and we 're along for the ride . He 's going to take us into hell , and out . And out . The Elder Sophrony said - he talks about it as an inverted pyramid , that Jesus has gone to the very depths of Hades , and he says , " And his friends meet him there . " And this is like the St . Silouan who was willing to enter into the very depths of that not despair but to pray for the whole world . I think the only answer to secularism in our day is full - blown Orthodoxy , and I should add to that , give it a little , additional adjective - suffering Orthodoxy . Yes , Kevin ? Fr . Stephen : The question being : how do you connect Orthodox asceticism with the notion of sin and death . Well , first off , it 's always grace that overcomes sin and death . I don 't . In my imperfection and in my struggle … I got into an argument last year , and I still stand my ground , because a lot of people backed me up with quotes from elders of Mt . Athos , so I know I 'm good . [ Laughter ] In fact , Mt . Athos republished the article on one of their sites , so it was okay . I was talking to you about no such thing as " moral progress . " Progress is a modern notion , a very modern notion , and that notion has invaded the Church . Some people think that synergy in Orthodoxy , that is , our cooperation with God , is actually a ticket for moral progress . I 've been hearing confessions for 35 years . I 've yet to see any . I 'm pretty much hearing the same confessions from people that I heard 35 years ago , regardless of their age . Now , I don 't have any saints in my parish that have been manifest yet , although I suspect the confession of saints sounds worse than anybody else 's . They don 't show up and say , " You know , Father , I don 't have anything . I 'm pretty well there . " No , the saints go to the bottom of the pyramid , and they 're the chief of sinners . I think part of what goes on in the major part of our asceticism , I would summarize it actually in the words of the Elder Sophrony , " learning to bear our shame . " It is a certain kind of brokenness . For instance , when it comes to fasting and Lent and whatever , people come to me and everybody gets a moderated fast these days or something like that , or they struggle with it - you 're pregnant , you 've got children , you 've got all kinds of stuff . How do I do it ? I tell them : Whatever you do with fasting , and we discuss that , I want it to be a little bit more than you can do , because I need you to fail . Because if Great Lent … When Pascha comes around and you hear the sermon of St . John Chrysostom : " You heedless … " his " Ollie - ollie - in - come - free " - if that doesn 't sound like good news to you , you just blew Lent . I really worry about OCD Christians who come in and just love Lent because it 's got rules , and I 'm going to do this ! I mean , neuroses are always difficult ; they create a lot of problems . But failure is important . You don 't try to fail , but your union with Christ is going to come there . Asceticism does not … The kind of asceticism that you succeed at only brings pride . It is the asceticism that you fail at , that you 've stretched yourself . It 's just like athletes say , " No pain , no gain " : pain in asceticism comes in the form of failure , the shame . Elder Sophrony said , in teaching Fr . Zacharias writes about this , that in hearing confessions , he told them : Teach them , especially the young ones , to bear a little shame . Shame is the experience , not of feeling bad about what I 've done - that 's called guilt . Like my speeding thing . Guilt 's no big deal ; it doesn 't touch me . Shame is how I feel about who I am . This is big . This is the root of things . This is the first emotion described in Scripture . Adam and Eve in the garden begin naked and unashamed . They sin ; they are guilty . God comes ; they hide . " Where are you ? " God says . " We heard you and we were naked , so we hid . " And he said , " Who told you you were naked ? " I mean , God did not shame them , and he brings the subject back to the guilt : " Did you eat what I told you not to ? " And instead they turned the guilt into shame . Adam doesn 't want to be wrong ; he won 't bear his shame . " The woman you gave me , she gave me to eat . " The woman won 't bear her shame : " The snake talked me into it . " So what does God do ? They have to leave paradise . Well , what does he do when they have to leave paradise ? He clothes them , with garments of skin . He covers their shame . Eventually - which is foreshadowing of the great covering we celebrated in baptism , as many as have been buried with Christ , as many as have been baptized with Christ , have put on Christ . He is my covering ; he covers my shame . I now wear my Jesus - suit . I rejoice every time I vest as a priest and put on the righteousness of Christ , my baptismal garment . Now I have no shame . I need not be ashamed . I can stand in the presence of God now , restored to paradise , with my original innocence . He has covered my shame . But when I refused to do that … That 's the distance between man and God , was his shame . He can 't bear who he is . And according to psychologists , shame is the only unbearable emotion . People can 't stand it . You feel slightly awkward when you go into a room of strangers . What you 're feeling actually is shame . You 're not certain that you look right or that they 'll know you or whatever . Some of us , if you 're neurotic like me , may need to act out a little bit , be sure you notice that I 'm there . I did that . We all have that . I 'm just standing up here sharing my shame with you . [ Laughter ] Because I can . But it 's learning to bear some of that . The vast majority of the things we do , frankly , flow from our shame . Fr . Stephen : It does . It 's something … and he gives us to do . We fast like that , but it 's a work of grace . In a sense , I would say asceticism is constantly exposing myself to God and putting myself in vulnerability before God so that God can do a work in me that sometimes manifests as virtue . In a culture that is permeated with the notion of competition and excellence , it is very important in asceticism to rid it of such ideas . The Scripture doesn 't use images of competition . Paul does in a couple of places , but Paul 's not writing in this culture . In this culture , it has become a cult of success . As I say , everybody here is above average . We 're all on Lake Wobegon , we 're all just fine , and we 're so excellent - and no , you 're not . You get fights going on in your parish . You know what they 're about ? They 're about shame . Somebody can 't bear their shame , and they 're making everybody else miserable . In a monastery , it would die , it would just dissolve if the monks can 't bear their shame . So this is what Elder Zacharias , who 's the primary confessor for the monastery in Essex , to teach them to bear a little shame . That 's one of the sweetest communities I ever visit . Goll - ee ! That place is just wonderful . Yeah , I think so . Yeah , absolutely . It works humility in us . Again , getting out of the thoughts , we … You 've got to be careful that you don 't do asceticism as a selfie . " I want to watch me . I want to watch me doing God . " This is really dangerous for priests , because we look so holy . You do , you just look really holy . Even in Target , you look pretty holy , even if you frighten the children . [ Laughter ] My new line with kids when I see them and they 're just like this , I tell them , " I work with Santa Claus . " [ Laughter ] And that gets their attention , and sometimes the parents 'll even let me stand there and explain to them . " He 's a friend of mine . I know him . " [ Laughter ] " He lives with Jesus in heaven and he loves little children . " But anyway … Well , in a culture that , in a sense , has become shameless , the church of whatever is the church that will not point out to me my shame . Tolerance is all about not shaming someone . And there 's some ways in which , for instance , the way homosexuals have been shamed in certain times in our culture , I can understand the incredible wholesale rebellion against it . Instead of being helped , they were hurt . I 've told people who suddenly go wacky on the Church about all of this and suddenly accuse us as if we were running gay pogroms or something . I said : No , no , no . Actually , the truth is the Church has been - certainly the Orthodox Church - has been one of the few safe places for them . Even when I was an Episcopalian , back when the Episcopalians were - you know , normal . I 've always had gays in my church ! I 've confessed them for years . Every priest I know [ has ] . And what do you do with them ? It 's the one place of compassion that I 've ever known . People were doing strange things , but you 're just trying to help them work through your struggle . That 's all I 've ever known in my adult Christian life , is the Church doing that . Not beating anybody over the head , but helping them with their struggle , helping them with their shame . Sometimes they fall , when they fall their way ; other people fall their way . I fall my way , and we 're all bozos on this bus , and we 're helping each other to be well . I think it 's going to be very hard , because … The problem about the tolerance thing is it can 't stand intolerance . One of the things about shamelessness is it doesn 't heal shame . The shame is still there . I will say that people are deeply vulnerable . As I said , it is an unbearable emotion . Studies say that the majority of men turn shame into anger ; a majority of women turn shame into depression , but it 's a mixed bag . In fact , I tend to tell people , especially in confession , if they 're wrestling with anger , which to me is the most commonly confessed sin - we 're an extremely angry culture - I tend to help them go back and identify the shame they 're wrestling with . For instance , your child ticks you off . It doesn 't seem at first that that 's shame about it , but a child who disobeys you to your face ? Oh , it 's very shaming . It 's very shaming , and that 's - you feel the flash . That flash is … By the way , I 'll tell you where you experience shame , the first place you always experience it is in your face ; that 's the first place . This is an important thing . We talk about seeing God face - to - face . Why icons are always face - to - face . As we stand unashamed before the judgment seat of Christ , we 'll see him face - to - face . You first feel it in your face . Your blood 'll rush there ; you 'll feel a slight burn . And then the anger flushes . You just , you need to kind of … My son , who 's 27 , 28 , he 's really internalized this . He 'll just stop , breathe , and pay attention to the shame . Guy , you 're going to get holy . For instance , when a parent corrects a child , shame language is always language about who you are . When a parent says to a child , " You 're bad , " that 's shame . That 's not moral correction ; that 's actually hurting a child . I will correct parents when I hear them shaming a child . Children naturally do this . A child meets a stranger in their mother 's arms , and suddenly they bury their face and doesn 't want to do it and may even cry if they 're forced to do otherwise . They 're experiencing shame ; it 's very frightening . They 're feeling completely vulnerable . I try never to force a child , and I won 't let parents do that . It 's like : No , no , no , no , no . They don 't need to be … It 's really cruel to force someone in their shame . But I want to say , though , because this is very strong , it 's a good thing to know and to read and study . The Elder Zacharias , in his books - St . Tikhon 's publishes them , and they 're works on the teaching of Fr . Sophrony - he has said more about shame than anyone else I have seen in contemporary Orthodox writing . You really have to dig through the Fathers to find it ; it 's there . In fact , Elder Sophrony said , " The way of shame is the way of the Lord . " That 's pretty … And I 've been spending a lot of time ; I even spent some time with Fr . Zacharias in England to ask and get some personal direction on it . Yeah . [ Inaudible from the audience ] I know , and I really … I don 't know if I 've found any good language for talking about the devil . First off , you asked me what an angel is , because the devil 's an angel . I 've got to admit , they 're kind of beyond my understanding . I believe they 're all over the Liturgy and around places . I 've got my guardian angel and stuff like that . I tend to not major a lot on it . I mean , I don 't deny it . I just say : Look , there 's a lot more stuff going on out there than you know , and you are not in a neutral territory . It 's a dangerous world . Some of the occult stuff that goes on can get a little loaded . I find it fascinating , of the phone calls I occasionally get for , you know , somebody 's got a haunted house … I think it 's interesting : Why don 't they call a Protestant when that comes up ? They don 't . They know who can do the work . [ Laughter ] I 've got the holy water . But I concentrate probably much more on the kind of existential situation where people are and their own experience of death and shame within themselves . In that sense , the fact that everybody experiences it even though we 're in a shameless culture , they still have it . It 's a very , very vulnerable place , so you have to tread carefully so you don 't hurt somebody , because you 're on holy ground when you step to somebody 's shame . You 're on holy ground , and you have to be very , very careful with that , and you cannot - you should never weaponize their shame . It is crying for healing . In that sense , they are in … That 's where they are in hell . That 's one of the reasons I like dealing with alcoholics and drug addicts . I don 't have to convince them about hell ; they already know it . Instead , I 'm telling them , " I know a way out . " Oh , the tears ! A lot of them , and this is the South , they 've never heard anything but a legal Gospel , and when I start telling them the Good News as we know about it as Orthodox Christians , and I say the story of the woman taken in adultery … A lot of them don 't realize . They just never listened to that story , and I retell it for them . It 's just tears down their cheeks . Jesus covers this woman 's shame ! She 's probably nekkid ! In the South , we make a distinction - naked means you have no clothes on ; nekkid means you have no clothes on and you 're up to no good ! [ Laughter ] She was probably nekkid . She 's out in the street and she 's shamed , and Jesus , he 's there with her , and he says finally , " Where are your accusers ? " And she says , " They 're gone . " He says , " Where are those who condemn you ? Neither do I . " He didn 't say , " I told you so . " He didn 't say , " You had it coming to you . " He just - " I don 't condemn you . " Gosh , what that must have been like ! Golly gee , you can go from sinner to saint in a moment , in a single moment like the thief on the cross - who bore his shame ; great story , too . We deserve it . He bears his shame . " Today you will be with me in paradise " - in a single moment . The grass , the trees - everybody 's Orthodox . We 're just helping people find their way home and back to their humanity , back to the one - storey universe we live in , where God is here , where he is everywhere present and filling all things , and he 's present to us . It is complete and total good news . I 've done a study guide , just some suggestions for my book , if you want to use it . Did you do the handout ? It 's just me … It 's like if I was going to do a class of this , there 's a page for each chapter , with some little bit of thoughts in it . I 'm assuming everybody read the chapter , because it doesn 't work without reading the book . And some questions to reflect on that . What I 've tried to do in that writing is to really just expand some central stuff of Fr . Alexander Schmemann , frankly , nothing else . I think God … If you write Orthodox theology , you should never be original . Originality is not a virtue . [ Laughter ] I like to translate things into terms and images that are contemporary , that people can deal with . People don 't know Church words . " One - storey universe " - if I say it 's a sacramental world , what the heck does that mean ? I say , " one - storey universe , " and you think , " What 's that ? " It was just language I worked out doing catechumens , trying to explain a sacramental world . It works . And I would , by the way , just recommend : plug in " shame " on my blog and read the articles , because I have written some about it that you … After this , it 'll make more sense . As I say , shame is a primary feeling about who I am . Who I am . It 's when I feel negative about myself : I am - inadequate . I am awkward , I am not pretty , I am fat , I am addicted to porn , I am … These are " I am " things . It 's how we experience ourselves . What 's so painful about it is you believe you are that and that if it 's revealed it 's very vulnerable and shaming . In other words , you don 't like it . It 's unbearable to seen as that awful and inadequate . We really do experience it as danger . When I say " vulnerability , " it means you can wound me ; you have got my number . One of the things about going to confession that people struggle with . What is it that people fear in confession ? It 's shame . " How can I face him if he … Will he ever think well of me again if I say these things to them ? " It 's an interesting experience . Some early times , when I was first talking about shame , I dealt in a context and I was talking about incest , which actually covers more people , statistically , in America than alcoholism does . It 's a huge problem . It 's probably worse now than when I was talking about it 20 years ago . It 's a huge problem , and it is the most secret thing that people have experienced , and they can 't even talk about it . They can 't talk about it . These are experiences … And for many people , something like that , something like incest or something similar or whatever , are probably their first sexual experiences . It 's a dark part of our lives . God knows we can 't talk about it . It 's so shaming . To be able to … I tell people , when I 'm preparing for first confession for converts , I talk a lot about learning to bear your shame . I say , " I don 't need the detail of da - da - da - da - da - da - da … " I 'll tell you the most shaming thing - my first confession , it was so hard for me ; I was in college , Anglican , and I made confession in a monastery - was to talk about a kitten that I 'd killed when I was eight years old . It was an accident . I picked it up . It was a newborn kitten . I was with a cousin [ at ] my grandmother 's house , and it peed on me . And it shocked me , and I dropped it . It broke its neck , and it died . The most important thing for my first confession was to talk about that . I felt sick ! Yes ? Q3 : How do I differentiate , or how do you differentiate , in the category of shame , whether it means sinful or not - sinful ? Also what Kevin is asking . [ Inaudible ] It 's not something to confess . Fr . Stephen : I know - and yet . And yet , if we experienced it … Because this was the problem - forgive me - but what you 're really describing there is legal responsibility . You don 't have a legal problem with God . You have a sin problem . And , yes , we do experience our ugliness as shame . It can drive people to more destructive behavior than any of their legal problems . In fact , sitting down with somebody and saying out loud , " I hate how I look " - now we 're getting somewhere , because part of it is : Bear your shame . First off , it 's okay . You 're not going to die . In other words , there 's a healing that comes in that . This is part of the medicine of immortality that we face the truth of our being . I , in fact , in writing about shame , said that I think that the most fundamental experience of shame we have as human beings is our existence , because we 're contingent , that is , I have no existence in and of myself ; it depends totally on God . In the presence of God , I am nothing , and I feel my dust , and it feels shameful . It 's vulnerable . They think we 're trying to shame them , and we 're not , but they think we are . I think this is what happens with the sort of moralistic approach , that 's sort of legal that way , and a lot of Christians do this , and a lot of Orthodox Christians have a very legal understanding and a moralistic understanding of their life and of their confession . They 've got their list , I go down my list , and you really haven 't touched anything . As I say , it doesn 't sound like confessing that I think I 'm ugly . It 's a big deal , because it 's certainly not my fault , and yet I might overeat as a result of it . I might engage in very destructive sexual actions because of it . And until I can actually bear it . Imagine you 're Zacchaeus . Now , his problem isn 't ugly ; Zacchaeus ' problem is short . But he experiences short like some of us experience ugly . And he doesn 't like being short . I 'm sure he 's trying to be discreet in the tree , and I 'll bet he 's not the only one in a tree , but Jesus calls him out by name . Zacchaeus knows his name - oops - and brings him down . He goes to his house . Jesus , just walking right into Zacchaeus ' shame . The shame that 's driven Zacchaeus to betray his people and to be a tax collector : Jesus walking right in there . Zacchaeus is so overwhelmed with the generosity and covering of Jesus that he gives away his stuff , he returns four - fold everything he 's done wrong . I mean , this is powerful stuff . In a way , can you get ugly enough to get well ? I guess part of what I 'm dealing with here is getting away from the legal concept of morality , that it 's just what I 've done wrong . What you did wrong is not nearly as destructive as what you think you are wrong . That 's so much closer to who you are . Jesus became what we are that we might become what he is . In the language of ontology , which is the Greek word for the study of being , it 's about is and being and are . It 's built around that verb , and not nearly so much as around do and did . Do and did comes from what you is and are . And I work as a priest , and in my writing , frankly , to try to help people get to what they are , into the being , and then we move from there . Frankly , one of the reasons is it 's not … A lot of what I do and write and do with this is trying to get away from the moralistic vocabulary that has dominated our culture so that people can actually hear what I 'm saying without getting so Christianized that they can 't . Shame is really interesting . That 's actually more psychological stuff , but it 's really Christian . I 've found it very refreshing ; it 's very helpful . Fr . Zacharias , when I was talking with him about this in private , said that to bear your shame , in other words , to recognize it and just sit with it , just really sit with it - don 't run , don 't change it , don 't think about it , just kind of sit with it , feel it - he said , and then pray and ask God to comfort you . That was his word : to comfort you . And he had a string of verses about how God wants to comfort us , Father , Son , and Holy Spirit . This is sort of something I 've been practicing for a couple of years now . It helps . It just helps tremendously . As a confessor , if someone brings that and is able to do it , I don 't have to counsel them on it , just listen to them and reassure love , that they are loved , that they are accepted , that Christ is with them in that most comforting , wonderful experience of the epitrachelion over your head , which is the covering . He clothes my nakedness ; I 'm safe . I 'm under the shelter of his wings . What a wonderful , wonderful image . We must be down to our time , so … [ Applause ]
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Leave a reply As someone who hasn 't read the books , going to 1968 in the episode was a surprise . I had heard the novel started 20 years after Claire 's return , but I expected they would leave that until the beginning of season 3 . However it was a great surprise , I really didn 't think I 'd prefer the episode spending so long in 1968 rather than the Battle of Culloden , but I did . The audience knowing this entire season that Jamie and Claire 's mission would fail meant that it didn 't need to spend ages dragging the events out in the finale . It focused on where it should have , on Jamie and Claire and their relationships with the other characters in Scotland . Murtagh was probably one of my favorite characters this season , his loyalty to Jamie is perfect . " I 'll be dying with you " when he insists on fighting at Culloden with Jamie stabbed me in the heart . I know it 's unlikely but please say the writers keep him alive . His relationship with Jamie is one of the best . Claire and Jamie 's goodbye was everything I wanted it to be . I know they stuck closely to the book in terms of dialogue , and I 'm glad they did . I know Diana Gabaldon wrote a post mentioning how Claire 's gift of the Dragonfly in Amber to Jamie wasn 't as emotional as Jamie and Claire cutting their initials into each other . I have to agree , I can understand why the writers wanted to show the importance of the title of the novel and episode in their goodbye , but I would have preferred the book version . Caitriona Balfe never fails to amaze , but her work in this episode was incredible . Having to play Claire 20 years older couldn 't have been easy , and yet she manages to show all the pain Claire 's been carrying , while still keeping the spirit and determination the audience loves . I loved some of the little moments in this episode , such as when Claire was looking round at the funeral and she reached up to touch something , we got a shot of her wedding ring to Jamie , telling us straight away the love and devotion Claire still feels after all the years . I can 't compare to how his character is portrayed in the books , but I loved who they casted for Roger , straight away he 's a character you just like and his attempts at flirting with Brianna were sweet . The scene between the two of them discussing history was adorable . I look forward to seeing more of his character hopefully . GELLIS . I was so happy to see her , I loved her character so much last season . It was interesting to find out more about her life before she travelled back in time , though killing her husband was extreme . Roger 's " It smells like a fucking barbecue ! " was a great callback to Gellis before the witch trial last season . On another note , the Emmy awards were announced and Outlander was robbed . It got nominated for best scenic and costume design which it deserves , but no acting nominations . The cast were superb this season , all I know the acting categories are always competitive but at least Caitriona Balfe deserved one . Or they could have swapped Peter Dinklage from Game of Thrones , who really didn 't deserve one this season to Tobias Menzies instead . This season has been a dark one for Outlander . It 's truly tested the strength of Jamie and Claire 's relationship . I personally found the move to Paris a welcome one , but after all the heartbreak a return to Scotland was much - needed for the main part of Claire and Jamie 's story . They 've tackled a lot this year , and they handled the trauma from last season with Randall well , truly showing how it impacted Jamie and his relationships . Claire losing her baby was one of the most heartbreaking things I 've watched on television and Caitriona Balfe can really do anything . ( Seriously , now I 'm annoyed again that she didn 't get an Emmy nomination , like she is utterly incredible ) . The addition of Bree and Roger will make next season better , further developing Bree and her handling the fact that Jame is her father , and her relationship with Roger , who I love already . Leave a reply Despite knowing already that Jamie and Claire fail in their plan to prevent the Battle of Culloden , it was still incredibly frustrating to watch them not succeed in their attempts to change history . I still throughout that maybe , Jamie could convince Charles not to battle at Culloden and their last ditch attempts to stop it would work . Watching it you knew that the attack on the birthday party wasn 't going to go as planned , but I still convinced myself that they could change history somehow . I was glad we got to see Alex again , even if it was in poorer circumstances . It 's sad to know that Alex 's illness is now causing his immediate death , but there 's some comfort in knowing that he and Mary got to share some happiness together , even though it was short - lived . Especially considering last time we saw him Claire had dashed his hopes of a future with Mary . Mary appeared to have matured significantly since the last episode , I 'm not sure how much time has supposed to have passed since then . Her relationship with Alex as well as her pregnancy have caused her to grow up , and her frostiness when she meets Claire again is expected . The devotion she has to Alex was incredibly sad to see , but thank god her marriage to Jack Randall will be short - lived . Not to mention it 's a huge relief knowing that the child recovered from her marriage with Jack is actually Alex 's . It was a shock seeing Randall again this episode . Tobias Menzies is beyond amazing in this role though . He 's the most horrible character to watch on - screen , and yet you can 't keep your eyes off him when he appears . It was interesting to see a Randall at the mercy of Claire this week , rather than the other way round . Randall 's vulnerability this week was odd , I wasn 't convinced at first that his affection for his brother was genuine . It 's hard to wonder how Jack treated Alex so kindly compared to everyone else in his life . It adds some further layers to this twisted character , and it 's something to know he can feel love and affection towards someone else . It felt odd watching him be nice , especially in his pledge to look after Mary and her child . But the Randall we know and hate was still there , his scene with Claire serving as a strong reminded of how sick this character is . Even when he needs help he 's still manages to unnerve everyone . His small , small good side is till tainted by his terror , and his beating of Alex after his death was awful . An episode where Prince Charles didn 't say ' Mark me ' has to be noted . I 'm glad there was less of him this week , though I do like how the writers showed his fierce determination in continuing moving forward in the rebellion , and not wanting to follow his generals advice in going back to Culloden . I 'm not a massive fan of his character , but appreciate the dedication he has in his cause and in pursuing it . I admit I had forgotten about the Duke of Sandringham , but it didn 't take long to remember how much I hated him . I wondered if we were ever going to find out about the attack on Claire and Mary , and it was a good and shocking reveal that the Duke was behind it . The fact that he expected Claire to be grateful for only having his men order to rape rather than kill her really only reinforced what a detestable character he was . I like how the reveal was done with Claire noticing the mark on the servant 's hand , as they focused on that in earlier episodes this season . You may hate the Duke but he had the best comedic moments in this episode . The opening episode title with the wig falling over was brilliant . I loved how the first thing he did when Jamie entered to save Claire was to put his wig back on , he couldn 't bear to face Jamie without looking presentable . It was even better because he didn 't put it on properly . Munro was a character I had completely forgotten about , especially since it 's been so long since we 've seen him . Still , it was nice to be reminded of his character again , especially in his loyalty to Jamie and in helping Claire by receiving her messages and giving them to Jamie . Angus 's death last week hasn 't been forgotten , poor Rupert consistently bringing him up . It 's nice to know he 's still being remembered so often , even after time had passed after the battle . Rupert can 't get a break though , thankfully Claire managed to save him after he was shot in the eye by a British soldier . Murtagh finally being able to avenge Claire and Mary was great , as you could tell his failure to prevent the attack had haunted Murtagh , and for him to be able to honour them by killing the Duke and bringing his head to Mary and Claire was a powerful moment . Murtagh never disappoints . Case in point , his best lines from the episode " " Tell me , does it ever occur to you that taking Claire to wife might not have been the wisest thing you ever did ? " and " I kept my word , I lay your vengeance at your feet . " I was so happy to see Mary again , when Jamie and Claire left Paris I was sad that we didn 't see her before they left , that one scene after Claire visits her after her rape didn 't seem like a fitting farewell to the character . After another surprise was revealed that she was the Duke 's god - daughter , it made the Duke working together with the Comte for the attack on them so so much worse , especially his lack of remorse . Mary 's inner strength was on display this episode , and though her initial hesitance at going to the front to warn Munro was frustrating , her gaining the courage and eventually stabbing her rapist was an important moment . Mary deserved to exact her revenge more than anyone , and having her kill her attacker was the best part of the episode for me . I hope we see her next week too . I was loving Claire in this episode , especially considering she wasn 't prominently featured in last week 's episode . Her feistiness and showing she had just as much dedication as Jamie to protecting their men was a fantastic scene . " Am I not Lady Broch Tuarach ? Are these not my men too ? " is probably my favorite line of the episode . Philip John directed this week 's and last week 's episode , and he 's done a brilliant job . I hope he directs more episodes in the future . The battle sequence wasn 't like other battle sequences I had seen before , and the battle being clouded with fog heightened the uncertainty the characters and the audience were feeling in the moment . The opening shot of the single soldier was fantastic . The slow motion and the sound effects were used brilliantly , and created the perfect tense moments . I like how the audience felt sympathy for both sides , the sights of the massacred British soldiers demonstrated the horrors of war that both sides had to endure . Dougal 's murder of the British soldier we met last season trying to help Claire was unexpected and sad to watch . Of course the Scottish and the characters have every reason to hate the British army , but outside of the brutality we 've seen committed from characters like Randall , this episode showed that many were just men serving their country as they were taught . Jamie 's pissing contest with the British soldier showed not only a much - needed comedic moment , but also a nice human moment between two men outside of their obligations to war just having a laugh together . Noticeably a lack of Claire this episode , but her scenes were still important and affecting . It showed the pains the women endured , simply having to wait for the men to return , hoping their loved ones would be alright , never knowing how badly wounded the soldiers they treated would be . Claire 's speech to try to keep them busy and focused was a nice moment , I wouldn 't mind seeing more of that later this season . Sam Heughan was incredible this week , Jamie 's role as a leader in war fits the character perfectly and it 's great to see Jamie in a better place in a role he suits so well . The second Claire said goodbye to Angus and Rupert you knew one of the them was going to die , but having Rupert appear to be mortally wounded but then having Angus suddenly die was so unexpected and heartbreaking to watch . Angus was a loved character on the show , and his return last week was so joyful . I 'm disappointed we didn 't get to spend more time with the character this season , but it 's not surprising in a big battle episode that the writers wanted to kill a character off . Even with only 50 losses for the Scottish in the battle , it demonstrates how every life lost has devastating emotional consequences . As Claire holds Angus as he dies , it brings the story back to the first line of the episode . with Claire thinking The episode opens with Claire and Jamie taking their men forward to join the rebellion , only to discover men deserting on the way . Simon has left to urge the deserters to return , by promising them land after the rebellion . Claire and Jamie stop with other members of the rebellion , meeting up with Murtagh and Fergus , who joyfully hugs Claire when he sees they 've returned . Angus and Rupert have returned , and in a needed bit of comic relief reveal the fate of Willie , and just as Claire and Jamie get worried about what 's happened to him we only discover that " The lad . . He went and got himself married " Angus and Rupert somberly note . It 's great to see these two again , and all that characters from last season reuniting and being together again . That 's not the last reunion though , as Dougal makes his return , to a happy Jamie and a pensive Claire . " It wouldn 't be Scotland without you Dougal " , Claire tells him . Dougal , a proud Jacobite supporter , is thrilled to have Jamie supporting the cause , but Clan Mackenzie has only brought in three members for the rebellion . As Claire observes all the training around her though she is caught off guard by flashbacks of her time in WWII , watching men train and die . Before we can look deeper into these flashbacks we get a training montage of the day , the men improving and practicing with weapons , and physical training , everyone there playing a part in preparations for war . It 's nice that they showed how everyone was affected by war , and everyone had their own roles and duties even outside of the actual fighting . After a successful day , Dougal is eager to join Prince Charlie but is rebuked by Jamie and Murtagh who know that the men still have a long way to go . The next of training shows the men half heartedly doing the drills , lacking motivation . Jamie quickly steps in , acknowledging how silly something such as marching may seem to them in regards to the battle itself . " Then I went to France , became a soldier . Then I saw what a modern well trained army can do . " Jamie proceeds to highlight the harsh realities of battle against the British , finishing with " It takes more than courage to beat an army like that . It takes a soldier . " The men are finally motivated and cheer , but Jamie 's victory is soon cut short when Douglas , Angus and Rupert suddenly charge towards them , sword in hand , screaming and wild . " That 's how you bring down redcoats " Dougal proudly exclaims , but Jamie isn 't happy and this contradiction of what he 's just tried to teach the men causes him to pull Dougal aside . Jamie reasserts his authority as a leader , but Dougal laughs , asking if Jamie seriously thinks he knows more about fighting than him , to which Jamie bluntly replies that he does . Dougal is taken aback , but accepts Jamie as his superior . This lasts for about 5 seconds , and Dougal goes into to see Claire and manipulate her into thinking Jamie needs help but is too proud to accept it . Dougal reminds her of her promise to marry him if Jamie died , but Claire sees right through this bullshit though . " You suffer from narcissism " Claire harshly declares , before delivering the best line of the episode " Fuck yourself " . Claire Fraser is my hero . Another training montage follows , this time with more physical fighting training , Dougal and everyone teaching the men the skills they need for war . Jamie and Murtagh then lead them men in loading and shooting guns , both commenting on Claire 's lack of spirit . Later on at dinner , Claire gets furious at Angus for treating his feet badly , putting him at high risk of trench foot . We then see another flashback of Claire 's time in WWII , Claire giving a speech to soldiers , dealing with the same lack of interest and care in her warnings . Furious , Claire storms out . It 's something I hadn 't thought about a lot , the fact that Claire had lived through another war and had seen and endured horrible things , watching men die . It 's understandable that in the preparation for another one these memories would come back to haunt her , and I like that the writers chose to explore this part of Claire 's life , making t well directing and paralleled with her current situation . Later that night , then are alarmed to see men entering the camp , but it 's only Dougal with some new recruits . Jamie however , isn 't impressed . Then men on watch shouldn 't have let all the men through so easily , and Jamie orders them brought to him . Jamie 's angry at Dougal for not obeying orders , but Dougal persists " when did you order me not to recruit new men ? " he asks . Jamie then sets Dougal and his men to guarding the camp for the rest of their time there . Jamie arrests the men who were originally guarding the camp , and gets them whipped . Later , Claire walks by the men firing their guns and it soon overwhelms her as she falls to the ground , falling into another flashback . In this one Claire and the two American soldiers we 've seen her chat to get fired at while driving , and Claire and one of the men are thrown over and hidden in a ditch . The other soldier however was still by the car , and is crying in pain . However much Claire wants to help , she knows it would only cause her death . The other soldier attempts to sneak across but promises to come back for Claire . Just as he runs over , he is sadly shot down . Claire now alone and having to her the other boy 's screams of pain curls into a ball and puts her hand over her ears . The next morning she 's still there , shocked and rigid in fear when a soldier discovers her . Back in Scotland this is how we see Claire , with her hands on her ears on the ground as Jamie rushes over . After she explains , Jamie reassures her that 's there 's nothing she could have done , and Claire knows this and told herself this , but " Then I just closed the door on that night " . Now that another war is here " I 'm not sure I 'm ready to go war again " , she confesses . Jamie recommends sending her back , but Claire refuses , knowing that would be even worse . In the most honest and heartbreaking moment of the episode , Claire gives this speech " If I go back , it will just be like lying in that ditch again helpless , and powerless to move like a dragon fly in amber . Except this time it will be worse . Because I 'll know that the people out there dying alone are people I know . People I love . I can 't do that Jamie . I won 't lie in that ditch again . I can 't be helpless and alone ever again . " Later Jamie is suddenly attacked by an intruder in the camp , who is with the British . Jamie doesn 't want to kill him , but just as they are about to torture him to find out who he marches with , Claire steps in . " Scottish bastard ! " she yells , and predents to a be a captive who resisted Jamie 's advances earlier , and says he can sleep with her if they let the intruder go . As they start to make a scene , the intruder yells at them to stop , and promises to tell them information if Jamie lets Claire go . It 's an incredibly fun scene to watch , the two acting their parts to perfection and the glances they give eachother and how they react to eachother reinforce how well they know eachother . ( Murtagh 's reactions during this are everything ) He introduces himself as William Grey and is travelling with a large group of men who are heavily armed . If the information he gives proves true , Jamie orders him to be tied to a tree where his men will find it . " I owe you my life " William admits before being taken away , " I must regard it as a debt of honour " " Once it is discharged , I will kill you " he says . I have a feeling we will see him again . Dougal 's men were guarding the camp , but the unguarded fires by Jamie caused them to be noticed , so Jamie submits himself to being whipped . It 's horrible to watch him suffer this again , and the men are clearly horrified seeing Jamie 's already wounded back be whipped again . Jamie and his men then go and sneak into the British camp , sabotaging and taking the wheels of their supplies , preventing them from coming after them that quickly . Jamie returns and thanks Claire for saving lives with the information she got out of William . Welcome back home to Scotland , Outlander . Straight away those breathtaking shots of the Scottish countryside made me realise how glad I was that Jamie and Claire were back home . Scotland is the true heart of the show , and this episode made it clear what lengths Jamie and Claire will go to to protect it . For Jamie and Claire , being back in Scotland is a blessing , the daily life of Lallybroch " worked like a tonic on our battered souls " . It 's great to see characters from last season , mainly Jenny and her husband Ian . Jenny is a character that really grew on me last season and had great moments with Jamie and Claire , and it 's so good to see her character again . However all this peace cannot last , and after the time jump , the plot soon begins after the Frasers open their letters one morning . ( I liked that Claire got a letter from Louise , she 's a character that I will miss now we 've moved from France , and it 's nice to know they keep in touch ) . Jamie 's letter instantly diminishes the work Jamie and Claire put in place in France though , in a document from Prince Charles who not only has landed in Scotland , but has forged Jamie 's signature on a list of Jacobite supporters . This has left them traitors to the crown and open supporters of the rebellion , with no means to prevent it . " It 's all coming to pass isn 't it ? The Jacobite Rising , Culloden , the destruction of all of this " Claire says looking out at the fields of Scotland with Jamie . Jamie is still convinced they can change history however , as the only option they have left to save Scotland is by winning the rebellion . After the emotional turmoil both endured in France though , Claire isn 't convinced they can . After a reminder of all the good she 's done in saving lives and helping others , they both decide to try and change the future by winning the rebellion . Jamie receives instructions from Prince Charles to gain the support and men from his grandfather , Lord Lovat . Jamie and Jenny have only met him once from a distance and he holds a pretty bad reputation . Jamie needs his support to help fight the rebellion though , so they head off to meet him and make their case . We also find out that Jamie 's father was a bastard who slept with a kitchen maid , a fact that Jamie is worried to tell Claire , but she quickly assures him it doesn 't change her opinion of him one bit . In arguably the best scene of the episode , Claire wakes up in the middle of the night to find Jamie sitting downstairs with Jenny 's baby , and watches from the balcony above as Jamie lovingly whispers to the baby in Gaelic . It 's a heartbreaking reminded of what could have been , and Claire 's expression of love and sadness sums it all up . This would have been Jamie and Claire with their child , and it 's a sad yet beautifully well acted moment . Lovat plays both sides , has numerous affairs as well as three wives . Before we meet Lord Lovat , we are greeted with a surprise appearance from Colum , who is there to secure an alliance with Lovat and who also doesn 't support the rebellion . But the surprises aren 't over yet , as Laoghaire makes her return . She begs for forgiveness , and promises that she is changed to Claire down on her knees . Claire isn 't having any of it though , and rightfully rips into her for her role in the witch trail last season . I 'm not fan of Laoghaire or the way she is written , and I can understand why fans were annoyed at her appearance , but it was great to see Claire get the anger of her chest . I haven 't read the books yet , but I am aware of her character 's role later , so i can understand why the writers would want to establish her as a character again , as well as at least attempt to humanise her , considering her future . Jamie realizes Lovat wants something in return for Jacobite support , and after meeting with him finds out he wants Lallybroch in return for sending men . If not , he will rape Claire instead . Jamie keeps his cool though , telling him of Claire being La Dame Blanche and claiming " After she 's done with you , I 'll send in the maid to sweep up your remains . " . Lovat 's belief in the supernatural means he believes him . They decide to try and get Simon to defy his father and support the rebellion , meaning Lovat would hopefully send troops in order to protect his heir . He needs his confidence built up though , and after noticing the way he looked at Laoghaire during dinner , Claire decides to use her in order to boost Simon 's confidence . Laoghaire agrees , with the promise of Claire 's forgiveness and the attempt of Jamie 's . Laoghaire flirts with Simon , while Claire goes to the chapel nearby . An earlier encounter with Lovat 's seer , saw her being thrown out of his room in anger , and when Claire sees her again in the chapel she asks what spurned Lovat 's roughness . Turns out that the seer had a vision of an axe over Lovat 's head in his study , though was unclear as to what side was killing them . Meanwhile Laoghaire 's intense flirting eventually scares Simon off , and Claire and Jamie 's plan appears to be in ruins . However Lovat has the contracts drawn up ready to be signed that give Lallybroch to Lovat in return for men , but just as Jamie is about to sign , Claire startles everyone by pretending to have a vision . She claims to see what the seer told Lovat , only this time the room was covered in white roses , the sign of the Jacobites . Furious , Lovat charges towards Claire but is stopped by Simon . Finally having gained confidence , Simon stands up to his father and voices his support for the rebellion , but Lovat still signs a neutrality agreement with Colum , not having any part in the rebellion . Jamie and Claire pack up to leave , but Claire gets Jamie to thank Laoghaire in person who is clearly still besotted with him . As they are on their way , they are approached by Lovat and his men who will join Simon . Lovat explains that he wins both ways , if the Jacobites succeed he can claim a great victory for his son , but if they fail he will disown his son and claim he had no part in it . So they ride on , hopeful in steering the rebellion the other way . The episode opens with a flash forward to 1954 , with Claire and her young daughter in a library . Her daughter points out a heron , and asks Claire if she 's ever seen one . Claire responds that she has , a long time go in Scotland . We flash back again to 1745 , with Claire lying on a bed , looking broken . In a mixture of blurred scenes we see the birth of Clare 's baby with Mother Hildegarde and the Royal executioner there to deliver it . Claire wakes up after this , only uttering " where 's my baby ? " before Mother Hildegarde informs her that her baby was born stillborn , and it was a girl . That night , Claire is struggling with her high fever , until Mayster Raymond sneaks in and visits her . Raymond massages her and manages to save Claire 's life before having to quickly leave before being seen . Her fever has broken , and Claire desperately asks Mother Hildegarde about Jamie . Mother Hildegarde tells her that Jamie is locked in the Bastille for duelling with Randall , although the fact that Randall is alive means his sentence won 't be as severe . Claire 's still furious at Jamie 's betrayal , telling Mother Hildegarde that " Revenge mattered more to him than me , or his child " . After weeks of healing , Fergus comes to ask Claire to return home , as she does Claire notes that " my body had healed but my soul had not " . Once arriving at their house in Paris , Claire is greeted emotionally by the house staff , sharing an especially heartbreaking moment with Magnus . Claire 's face is devastating as we see the suffering she 's enduring , as she thanks Magnus and bows to him . In the next scene Fergus brushes Claire 's hair , pausing and running off while looking at a perfume bottle , like the last time we saw him at the brothel before his encounter with Jack Randall . Before Claire gets any answers though , she finds the christening gift Jamie bought for the baby , the set of spoons and angrily pushes them away before bursting into tears . She 's then distracted however , by Fergus having a bad dream , and asks him to tell her about it to make it go away . Sadly in this case it won 't as a tearful Fergus tells Claire what we didn 't see with his encounter with Jack Randall , flashbacks showing us that Randall raped Fergus before his cries altered Jamie , who in such a fury and in pain at seeing this , then demanded the duel with Randall . It 's a horrible scene to watch , especially considering the shot of Randall 's red jacket last week was enough to tell us what had happened without needing to show it . Reading interviews about the scene , the showrunners wanted the audience to feel the same anger that Jamie felt , and to show how he could betray his promise to Claire . I understand that and you did definitely feel the rage and hatred Jamie had in that moment , but it was still painful to know whether you saw it take place or not . Outlander has handled rape as more than just a plot device to shock the audience , and I hope they continue to do so . Claire 's shocked to hear this , and it 's terrible to think of Fergus suffering alone all these weeks . Claire reassures him it wasn 't his fault , and after realising the pain Fergus endured and understanding Jamie 's reasons for betraying her , Claire acts to set him free . Claire first goes to Mother Hildegarde , who as the daughter of Louis XIV , she knows must have connections in court in order to grant Claire an audience with the King who she can petition to release Jamie . Mother Hildegarde tells her that she can grant her an audience , but the King will expect payment . This payment will most likely be Claire having to sleep with him . Claire 's only response is " If it comes to sacrificing my virtue mother , I 'll add it to the list of things I 've already lost in Paris " Claire meets with the King , in a tense conversation , Claire desperately trying to act relaxed throughout their small talk . Before Claire can get to her payment though , the King requires a favour . He takes Claire to the star chamber , where Mayster Raymond and the Comte are brought out . They 've been accused of dark magic and sorcery . The royal executioner Claire 's reputation as ' La Dame Blanche ' means the King wants her skills to look into their souls and see the darkness in their souls . Claire doesn 't want both of them to die , but she plays along . Claire tries to get the Comte to admit to sending the gang that attacked her and Mary , but he denies it . He does however admit to poisoning her , and calls her a witch since the poison he gave her didn 't kill her . Her name as the ' White Lady ' however Claire claims , means she uses white magic and not dark magic . The King then brings out a deadly snake , a myth claiming the snake wouldn 't harm true servants of God . Claire however manages to stop it , getting the King to agree for the men to drink her poison , which she makes with bitter cascara so the men will live and hopefully be set free . Mayster Raymond drinks it , and though in pain , he survives as Claire knew he would . However when Claire goes to pass the cup to the Comte , in a stunning shot Claire 's necklace that detects poison turns black , and then it 's clear to everyone the Comte has to die . Claire realises that Mayster Raymond slipped actual poison into the cup just after drinking it himself . The Comte knowing his time is up , bitterly exclaims " I 'll see you in hell " before drinking the poison and dying on the floor . The King tells Mayster Raymond to leave France and never return , and as he walks out the door , Claire 's only thought is of a line from The Wizard of Oz , " I 'm going to miss you most of all " . I get the feeling we will see him again at some point . Claire thinks she 's done , but her payment is not done . Back in the King 's chambers Claire lies back on the bed as the King rapes her . Afterwards , the King informs her he will get a pardon for Jamie , and will write to the English Crown to try and get them return to Scotland if they wish . Jamie returns home with a full beard , and what follows is a broken and pained conversation between the two . Claire 's still furious at him , but ultimately blames herself for everything , for putting Frank before her family . She tells Jamie they had a daughter . " Mother Hildegarde let me see her . So I wouldn 't have to imagine . " We then see flashbacks to earlier on in the episode , with Claire in hospital still and holding her daughter for the first time . As she rocks her , Claire begins to sing ' I do like to be beside the seaside ' and the fact that she 's singing such a happy song in such a sorrowful moment makes it all the more crushing . We see that Louise visited her later on , Claire refusing to let go of her child . It 's nice to see Louise visiting her and supporting her friend . Claire lets Louise takes the baby , and it 's taken away by Mother Hildegarde . Claire back in the present , tells Jamie that she slept with the King to gain his freedom . " How can we ever be the same ? She asks . " We can 't be " Jamie replies . He explains that to move forward and " The only way we can live with is to carry it , together . " " Then bring me home . To Scotland " Claire says . After an emotional season , it 's time to say goodbye to France and go back to where the true heart of the show is . Jamie and Claire 's time in Paris has been a great change for the show , but after all the suffering the characters have endured , it will be nice to see them back where the truly belong together . Before they leave , however they visit the grave of their daughter , Faith . Jamie leaves her one of the spoons on the grave , of St Andrew to " Leave a bit of Scotland with you " . As they sit at their daughters grave , Claire takes Jamie 's hand . After this episode I had to lie down , it was so incredibly emotional and heart wrenching . If this doesn 't get Caitriona Balfe all the awards , then there 's no justice in the world . She was extraordinary in this episode , and carried the episode completely . Everything Claire felt , we felt too .
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beginnings , gratitude , Life , Love , ramblings , reflections , relationships I first realized I am gay when I was 18 years old . Up until that point , I had always had " best friends " who I would become completely obsessed with , and wanted to spend all of my time with . I would become insanely jealous if my " best friend " wanted to spend time with anyone else , and eventually I would suffocate her until our friendship ended . This scenario repeated itself several times throughout high school , and somehow I never thought it meant anything . I assumed that everyone went through the same thing with their " best friends " . Until this time , I didn 't really know many gay people . I knew one , actually . He was a good friend , but he was a boy , and although I knew what the term lesbian meant , I certainly had never met any women who admitted to being gay . This was the 1980s , and times were much different . Being " out " could mean being disowned , institutionalized , or even killed . After high school , I took my first full time job in a nursing home . I enjoyed my job , and the people I worked with . One girl in particular . Her name was " B " and from the first day I met her , I wanted her to be my " best friend " . She was amazing . She was funny , and smart , and really good at her job . I remember thinking how obvious it was that for her , this wasn 't just a job , she really genuinely cared for the elderly residents we cared for . She was also brutally honest , and shortly after I met her , she told me that she is gay . I remember being really curious about her life , and relationships , and having a thousand questions that I was far too shy to ask . I wanted to be around her all the time , and I was , until one day she told me that she had gotten her girlfriend a job with us and she would be starting to work with us the next night . As upsetting as it was to be pushed to the sidelines , I will never forget watching her with " M " her girlfriend . She was so thoughtful , so attentive , making sure to think ahead , to meet every need " M " may have , before she even had them . As jealous as I was , I remember thinking I wanted someone to care about me as much as B cared for M . Despite my jealousy , I really liked M . She was a really nice girl , and soon we were all hanging out together outside of work . Honestly , I probably would have even if I didn 't like M , I wanted to be around B enough that it wouldn 't have mattered . We started going together to a local gay bar that was known not to card people . I remember the first time I went there , I wanted to feel awkward . I wanted to feel out of place , like I didn 't belong . I wanted to feel uncomfortable seeing people of the same sex kissing , but I didn 't . It felt normal . It felt right . One night at the bar , B and M had a fight . I don 't remember what they were fighting about , I don 't even remember if it was a big fight . I do remember that B went to the bathroom , and I followed her . In the bathroom , I sat on the sink while B paced back and forth , fuming over her argument . She stopped in front of me , and looked at me with the most adorable smile I have ever seen , and said " I 'm going to kiss you . " I think I said ok ? I don 't know . All I know is she kissed me , and when she did , a light bulb went off for me . I knew why I didn 't feel the way my friends did about boys , although I had had a couple of boyfriends in high school . Kissing them made me nervous and uncomfortable . Kissing B made me incredibly happy . What came next is another story , or many other stories , for another time . For now , let 's fast forward 30 years . I have been married for 20 years to a man , divorced , given birth to six beautiful children , and buried one . I have been engaged to a woman who left me for her ex shortly before we were supposed to get married , and the downward spiral my life took after that led me to move from my home in Maryland back to New Jersey . I thought my life was over . I found a job that I really love , I have my youngest son with me , and I told myself that at my age , that is enough . I was over dating , and over love . A co worker talked me into reactivating my POF account , and I did , not really knowing why . One night I received a message , which isn 't unusual , when you are on POF you get lots of messages , but this one stood out for some reason enough to make me want to respond . We messaged for 20 minutes or so , and then said goodbye . Hours later , my heart literally skipped a beat . It was B . I don 't know exactly how I knew , but I knew . I think it was the smile . I didn 't know how to begin to tell her , so when after a week of texting she asked me to meet her at a local bar , I was determined I was never going to tell her who I am . However , alcohol acts like a truth serum sometimes , and after a beer , I I told her . Thankfully , she took the news well , and talked for hours about the " cosmicness " of the whole thing . She told me she had a picture of me , from the bar back then . She sent it to me when she went home that night . That night was six weeks ago . Since then I have literally spent every free moment with B . The amount of things we have in common is amazing . Her kind and caring heart astounds me every day , and her ability to calm me , even in the middle of a full blown panic attack is something I have never known before . I don 't know where this will go , or how long it will last , but today I am happy . Happier than I have been in years , and so incredibly grateful . I am grateful for the events in my life that led me here , I am grateful to B , for being quite honestly , the wold 's greatest girlfriend , and I am grateful to fate , or as I now prefer to call it , cosmicness . endings , ex , gratitude , Hope , Life , reflections , relationships , Uncategorized A woman is like a tea bag . It 's only when she 's in hot water that you realize how strong she is . ~ Attributed to both Eleanor Roosevelt and Carl Sandburg In one of the highest compliments ever paid to me , my mother once told me I am the strongest person she knows . I have never forgotten it , and never will . I have repeated this to myself thousands and thousands of times , as a matter of survival . I can withstand anything , I am strong . This compliment has been repeated to me by other people , in different forms , but with the same central meaning . My friends tell me with admiration how strong I am to have endured things I have endured in silence for years . In a rare moment of honesty , my ex husband admitted to me that I am stronger than he ever was , something I have always known and he now denies ever having said . I have always looked at strength as a positive character trait in anyone , but most especially in women , the supposed " weaker sex " . These days , I 'm not so sure I do . What I have found is that the more strength you display , the stronger you allow yourself to be known to be , the more strength is required of you . With every obstacle overcome , every challenge faced head on , the faster they seem to be thrown . Still , to be considered a woman of strength , we face them all , and rise to yet another challenge , and reconstruct badly damaged and bruised egos and souls . We may be strong , but to say that we are not permanently changed by each and every blow , physical or emotional , would be a lie of the darkest kind . In the past year I have found myself wishing often that I wasn 't strong . I wish sometimes that I could retreat into alcoholism , or drug addiction , or mental illness and not have to keep going every day . That is not the way I am made , and honestly , most of the time I am grateful that I 'm not . Still , at my lowest points , I sometimes fantasize about how easy it would be to have an excuse to give up , even if it was only for a while . I hear about people staying in bed for a year after the death of a child , or having a mental breakdown that incapacitated them after years of physical and mental abuse is heaped upon them , and I don 't blame them . I get it , I really do . I just wonder sometimes about the human mind . Why some people keep going , while others get the time to recharge . I 'm getting divorced . Tomorrow morning , I will be in a lawyer 's office , dissecting the last 18 years of my life , and hopefully be given the tools to start rebuilding . Starting over at 42 sucks . It does . I hate dealing with the process of disentangling my life from my ex . I hate the vulnerability of doing all of this alone . I hate all of it , and I know that it is going to get really messy from here on out . everyone tells me I 'm strong though . I guess we are about to find out if they are right . family , gratitude , parenting , reflections Exactly 9 years ago today , a little baby boy was born . This was no ordinary little boy though , this baby was sent with a very important purpose . He was born into a family that had experienced heartache and loss , and had come to heal the family . He was a tiny little guy , but had a huge spirit from the very first minute of life , and that spirit has grown along with him every day for the last 9 years . Today his family is complete , and he is the light of everyone 's eye . Without exception , everyone in the family lights up when he walks into a room . He is sensitive beyond his years , this little man child . He has an understanding of human emotions that surpasses my own , and true compassion for all . He has a truly generous nature , rushing to share even brand new birthday toys with his brother and sisters . He is a natural comedian , his stories , though often a bit long , never fail to leave everyone in laughter . This special child has been the most incredible gift any family could ever hope to receive , and I am proud and honored to call him my son . Happy birthday , Bug . You are loved more than you will ever know . beginnings , family , gratitude , Hope , Life , ramblings , reflections , relationships In the midst of my ordinary , same as usual day , I had a HUGE revelation . I can 't identify the exact moment of this revelation . Was it while I was playing with Baby G ? Was it while talking to Mr . Wrong about ordinary , every day things ? Maybe it was while Mr . Wrong and I waved goodbye to Bug on his school bus from our front porch , or when Mr . Wrong and I hung laundry outside on our clothes line , surrounded by the sound of our children playing . It could have been at any of those moments , or a thousand other moments in this ordinary day . At some point , I realized I am happy . Happy and I don 't have a very good relationship , I should point that out . I have gone to ridiculous , life changing lengths to find happy , and ended up in a depression so deep I am still amazed that I survived it . The problem was , I think , that I wasn 't clear about what happy IS . I thought I was supposed to have adrenaline coursing through my veins , heart beating fast , my mind fuzzy all day every day . Writing it now , it doesn 't even sound appealing , let alone realistic . Sadly , I haven 't been happy in a long time , not really , and that is what I thought I was supposed to feel . Another major problem happy and I have is that usually when I do get it , I worry myself right out of it . Every . Single . Time . I thrive in times of catastrophe and chaos , and when I have times of the peace and tranquility that I want so badly , I am waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop . My glass becomes half empty . I look for the bad in every situation , and if I don 't find any I CREATE bad . I 'm not sure why I do these things , why I try to sabotage myself at every turn , but I do it well , of that I am sure . Hopefully , now that I am aware of doing it , I can stop . My outlook on life is changing , slowly but steadily . I look for the good in situations , and people . I make a conscientious effort not to judge a book by it 's cover , and take time to get to know what is inside . I have removed toxic people from my life , and replaced them with positive , uplifting people who validate me and encourage healthy life choices . I make every effort not to hurt anyone , including myself . I know myself well , and it is completely possible that I will be here tomorrow with a list of complaints about what is wrong in my life . Today , however , today I am happy . It was a really awesome ordinary day . ex , family , friends , gratitude , Love Ten years ago , I carried a two year old little girl . She was loving , adorable , and instantly loved by everyone who saw her . Her two older sisters and one older brother were with me constantly , not carried , but attached none the less , with sticky hands and firm , sturdy arms . I carried a diaper bag , too . It held spare clothes , cheerios , boo - boo tape ( band - aids ) and blankies . Today , that two year old is a beautiful , blonde , older than her years twelve year old . She has compassion , and a strong sense of right and wrong . Her oldest sister is now far away from us , living her own life , and missed terribly by all of us . Her other sister is now a mom with a diaper bag of her own , and her older brother has somehow changed from my beautiful little boy into a handsome , quiet teenager . They have been joined by another brother , now eight years old . My diaper bag has been replaced by one of many hand bags , depending on my mood , and the cheerios have been replaced by mints and gum , but they are still carried mainly for them , just like the cheerios . Ten years ago , my son died . I carried the grief of his passing clearly , the pain raw and exposed , probably to the point of making other people uncomfortable around me . His name was spoken in whispers around me , kindness showed to me by caring people afraid to open the wound that had not yet begun to heal . I remember thinking at the time that it never would heal . I was right . That kind of wound never does heal fully . After experiencing pain that deep , that all consuming , you are left forever with a void . The void can not be filled , not with more children , sex , alcohol or drugs . The pain , however , does lessen . One day you wake up , and you realize that you can breathe , that life has been going on all around you , and people are depending on you , looking to you to help them with their grief and pain . It is always with me , and always will be . The pain has changed me , and carrying it has made me stronger , I think , and so appreciative of my children it 's hard to let them grow up sometimes . Ten years ago , I carried an engagement ring and a wedding ring on my left ring finger . They were symbols to the world , and to myself , that I belonged to someone . I wore them proudly , and in really bad times in my marriage , would look at them and tell myself they meant that I was okay , that I was loved . Ten years ago , I carried with me a deep , all encompassing need to be loved no matter what . I truly believed that if I was loved , if I was " in love " , nothing else mattered , I was complete , a whole person . I could overlook anything , as long as I was " in love " . Today , my left ring finger is empty . My rings were taken off , and my marriage is over . They were replaced , briefly , wrongly by other rings , on two separate occasions . Not wedding rings , but symbols none the less . I was " in love " , someone loved me , so therefore , I was okay . I no longer carry that need . Today , I feel that the word love is so highly overused , and so misused , that I don 't believe in being " in love " anymore . It is a big realization for me to come to , that I don 't believe in love . Of course , I love my children , but the other love , the intoxicating , you complete me , you had me at hello , love ? No , I honestly don 't believe in it anymore . That is kind of sad , I think , but it 's okay for now , I 'm good with that . Ten years ago , I carried a secret . I hid this secret from everyone , guarding it with everything in me . I hid it , most especially , from myself . I thought about it sometimes , during long , sleepless nights . I would quickly force myself to think of something , anything else . To reveal the secret to myself , to open it up , lay it out and examine it , would mean questioning everything in my entire life . It would mean questioning my motherhood , my marriage , my role as a daughter , a sister , a friend . Doing that would require a strength almost super human , I thought , although I knew that many , many people had . I applauded them silently , in some hidden corner of my heart even envied them , but I knew , no matter what , I could never be like them . Today , that secret is still with me . It isn 't as guarded or protected anymore , shared with trusted , loyal friends and , finally , myself . The amazing thing is , I didn 't die ! No one has turned their back on me , no one has stopped talking to me , no one has told me I am no longer welcome in their life . I am humbled and saddened that I didn 't give these amazing people the credit that they deserved from the beginning . Because of their openness , their acceptance , their love , I have been able to slowly , timidly , but with growing confidence , open my circle and share my secret with more and more people . People like me , people like you , people willing to turn a light on dark places , and prove , once and for all , that their is nothing so scary in the darkness . I lack the words to express my gratitude to them all . My load was pretty heavy ten years ago , and I am so grateful that is is so much lighter today . There were a lot of bad things , a lot of painful , scary places that I wouldn 't want my worst enemy to go through . I wouldn 't change any of it though , looking back . All of the things I carried then have brought me to the place that I am now . While far , far , from perfect , I am in a pretty good place today , and for the first time in my life , I can 't wait to see what happens next . beginnings , endings , friends , gratitude So I think Ive been looking at things entirely the wrong way lately . For months I have been sad and depressed , thinking about all of the endings that have been occurring at an alarming pace lately . I have listed and mourned all of my losses , bitterly regretted each one , and lived every day with an emptiness in my very being that comes with loss . However , if I know nothing else about myself , I know for sure that I am a survivor , and be assured , I have survived far worse than this . So in my disgustingly optimistic way , I have realized that there is a flip side to all of this , a mirror image , if you will . I feel that I would be remiss if I didn 't mention the beginnings that are occurring . 1 . My roommates are here . All the time . They aren 't always here at the same time , but they are always here some of the time . The thing is this , they are here for me , no matter what . They are dysfunctional , they are loud , they can be obnoxious . They listen , they support , they care . They are my family , and I love them more than I could ever say or express . 2 . For the first time in 4 decades , I am on my own . I pay my own bills , I make my own decisions . I live my life on my own terms , and make my own mistakes as I go . Its scary as hell , but I love it , and it feels right . 3 . I am finally figuring out who my I am , really . In the words of Oprah , my authentic self . Living authentically is hard and takes real courage , but I would really like to think that I have courage . I really believe that the outcome will be worth it . 4 . Probably most importantly , I have discovered who my real friends are . People who will tell you that you are wrong , and then let you find out for yourself . People that support you in your wrong - ness . People that cheer your right - ness . These are the people everyone needs in their life , and my gratitude is deep and eternal .
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Art : what I 'm doing , where you can see it , how I manage my studio . Books : because I 'm reading a lot these days . Reiki : because it feels good and helps me live a healthy life . Well now , Jane has come out with 2 different packages of premade soy wax paste . So if you 've been wanting to try some of these things out , but didn 't want to invest in all the equipment to do it yourself until you 'd experimented a bit , here 's your chance . Order before Dec 31 and get free shipping and an ebook version of the book above . I have no financial interest in her success , just another artist who loves her clarity in explaining things and shares some of her interests . This is a more visual form with a different ranking of news sources . Using this and the one I posted earlier makes it pretty easy to see what the unreliable sources are and what ones are generally reliable . Here 's the link to the source I got it from . While I 'm pretty happy with the credibility of my current news sources , I 'm also using these rankings as a guide to where to go look for what the crazies will be talking up next . Maybe then I 'll be less taken by surprise . Edit added 10 : 40am 12 / 14 / 16 : Right after I posted the above , I got this post from Steve Barnes about the possibility of being wrong and hoping for outcomes that are the best for all of us , not just what I think is best . Thanks , Steve , well said . Posted by I 've always tried to read different perspectives because I don 't think there 's much of a chance that I know everything there is to know about any particular issue . But with the massive increase in websites and blogs in addition to more traditional news sources , well , it 's a bit overwhelming . This graph gives me a starting place . The author is clearly self - identified as conservative ( their group blog Mitrailleuse is in the upper right quadrant ) so I 'd probably put some of these things in a slightly different place but I like the idea . My daughter was doing some experiments with her etsy shop and wanted to try out some silkscreens on mugs . So we played around in my studio as I had all these screens , stamps , sponges and she brought the paint and some mugs . She was happy enough with her results that she had me make several screens for her and I was intrigued enough that I ordered some paints and kept a couple of the test mugs . I went for the bird images , of course . Here 's my test results today . The blue bird was a bit blurrier than I would like so I 'm looking for ways to thicken the paint just a bit so I don 't get so much spread . The flying heron on the other hand came out well . I used a stamp for it and I 'll be adding some colors after the black outline finishes curing . All in all , I 'm pretty happy with the results of this first bit of experimentation . Posted by I 've been making this cranberry relish for Thanksgiving for at least 30 years now and I 'm still enjoying it . This year , I thought I 'd share . It is really good with leftover turkey in a sandwich , fyi . Basically , chop everything up in a food processor and mix it together . Chill overnight to let the flavors mix . I do the orange and lime and the dates first and since my food processor is small , I do 2 batches . This makes sure the rinds of the fruit get chopped small enough . It also uses the juice from the citrus fruit to keep the dates from sticking to stuff . Then I chop the cranberries and apple in 2 batches , adding 1 / 4 C sugar to the second batch . Put it all in a big bowl , mix well , and taste to see if it needs more sugar . This year , it was a blood orange rather than navel so not as much sweet from the orange and I used the whole 1 / 2 C of sugar . It 's been a rough month what with some major upheaval in my life and then the election . So I 've been spending lots of time on the greenbelt when it wasn 't raining seriously looking for birds and since they 're somewhat scare this time of year , finding some Pokemon . This is part of my self - care , along with meditating and reading . The nice thing about the greenbelt and Pokemon is that I can share them here . In the fall , all the blueberry bushes along the greenbelt near Larsen Lake turn a gorgeous red . And as some of the leaves start to fall , the bushes get a bit more sculptural rather than bushy . I enjoy looking at them as part of the cycle of life and as beautiful parts of nature . Thirty years ago , my husband , Jeff , went to a conference about using Tex and MetaFont to design fonts . ( This was back before DOS , even . ) As part of the conference , there was a competition to design dingbats . Those little things that separate chunks of text in a book . He did a nice set of 10 of them and 15 years later when I bought a thermofax machine and started doing silkscreening as part of my fiber art , I realized I could do a quilt based around his dingbats . Synchronistically , a bolt of fabric that looked like hand made paper came into the quilt store where I worked and the fabric collecting was on . Since his dingbats were abstracted from traditional Japanese crests , I also started collecting fabric with kanji printing in addition to text fabrics . And so we come to the last few years when I felt I had enough fabric and started sewing . I started with a non - traditional takeoff of the Log Cabin block which turned out to look really choppy once I got 6 blocks done and laid them all out together ( see below ) . Since this quilt is intended for our bedroom and I like to keep the bedroom serene and relaxing , this didn 't seem like the way to go . Unfortunately , I had already sliced up all of several of my fabrics so I put the blocks away for a while and forgot about it . In preparation for an annual sewing retreat , I got the project out again and gave it a hard look . I 'm going to start over and do the traditional Log Cabin blocks but with the larger rectangles as the start . Next step was to pull fabric from my stash and separate it into dark & light piles . I went with fabrics that had a japanese influence and tried to stick with a narrow color selection . Unfortunately , this set of fabrics has lost the whole text idea . That 's when I realized I needed to go even further with the personal aspect of the design and add text to the lighter fabrics . I brainstormed some ideas of what type of text and again , brought the personal relevance idea to bear . What 20 quotes from influential books would we each like to add to the fabrics ? So that 's where we are . Making lists of books that have had a big influence on us and then picking out the text we want to represent that book . I 'm expecting these ideas to evolve further as I progress in making the 42 blocks that will be needed for the queen size quilt . And I 'll post about what I do and how it goes as I babystep my way to the final quilt . So far , my book list includes The Hobbit ( read to my 4th grade class by the teacher in 15 minute chunks and the book that started me reading science fiction ) , Leaves of Grass , a gift from a friend who said the part about the charge of the soul reminded him of me , Citizen of the Galaxy by Heinlein , and Lord of the Rings . That takes me up through the end of High School . I suspect The Lazy Man 's Guide to Enlightment will be there too as well as Lao Tzu 's Tao Te Ching . I mention the details of the book list because this is the kind of fun that book people enjoy : What would be your 20 books ? I 've spent time in the studio this last couple of weeks thanks to finding out what was causing my general fatigue and correcting it . And normally , I would have great pictures to show . But . I 'm experimenting and doing some very new to me things and I 've had strong resistance to sharing pictures of what I 'm doing . Synchronistically , this blog post from Gretchen Schmelzer came out and she gave me some insight into why I 'm struggling with this . Here 's a great quote : " I 'll put it simply . Without letting yourself be awkward you won 't learn anything worth learning . When babies learn to walk they totter and wobble and fall and get up and for some reason we don 't call this awkward - we call it adorable . But this is the blueprint for learning everything . We totter and wobble and fall down and get up . And we need to see it as just as adore - able . We need to adore that awkward part of ourselves . We need to adore it more , or adore it at all . Awkwardness is the sign that you are actually doing something different . If everything is going smoothly , it 's a good bet that you aren 't changing anything or learning anything new . " Wow . The rest of the blog goes into more detail but this was enough to have my internal struggle just go poof . Of course it feels odd and awkward . I 'm doing some totally new stuff and I 'm not even mediocre at it yet . So I 'll be waiting to share photos of my studio work until I don 't feel so awkward about it . In the meantime , here 's a photo of the warblers that graced my morning walk . Not from my camera , as I didn 't take it , but thanks to Cornell Ornithology Labs . Tina and I had a 3 warbler morning with the Black - Throated Gray pictured below , an Orange - crowned , and a yellow - rumped . They were all jumping around in a few trees giving us great views and a lovely walk . I 've been struggling with getting back into the studio . I 've just ended 18 months of low grade infection which was repeatedly misdiagnosed but is now gone , gone , gone . And I 'm just not bouncing right back . In addition to the physical challenges , there 's about 16 months worth of accumulated chores & clutter that need my attention . And my habits have fallen into utter disarray . So , bless you , Lisa Call , for today 's blog post about embracing imperfection and leveraging a small , doable task into a path for a larger goal . See her blog post here . Because a big part of my problem is feeling like I can 't do enough today so I don 't do anything . Baby steps are clearly called for here and I apparently really needed some outside voice to tell me that . The second great thing today was a FB post about a Turkish artist , Garip Ay . I am particularly inspired by his piece pictured below . Not because I do portraits , but because I like the combination of the marbling color and flow with the realistic style painted image . It just really speaks to me so now my brain is churning with small steps I can take to move toward experimenting with this idea using my style of marbling and my bird photo based sketches . See more at garipay . blogspot . com This is a particularly promising path for me as the marbling can be done in small bursts , very quickly . This means I can do a bunch of marbling in less than an hour ( assuming the marbling tray and inks are already set up ) and still have time to do some other work experimenting with the bird photos . And not need more than 2 hours a day to make significant progress . However , recognizing my low energy right now , and my challenges , I am not going to set myself up to fail . I 'm shooting for once a week making new stuff in the studio and the rest of my studio time can be finishing up the amazingly depressing backlog . So , we 'll see how it goes . I 'm now a couple weeks past some extensive oral surgery and still in the recovery phase . I 'm feeling good enough to do some birding but mostly I 'm reading a lot . Hence , birds & books . Tina and I chased the Snowy Egret seen in Pierce county recently . This was a first seen in Pierce county and a fairly rare bird for western Washington state . We anticipated a long wait for it to show and possibly some wading through mudflats to get to a nice viewing position . Boy , were we wrong ! We drove to the location , got out of the car , walked over to the fence and looked down on the marshy area and the Snowy flew by . Excitement ensued . We were trying to find where he 'd landed when he flew back by again and perched on a snag in clear view . It 's a wonderful feeling to chase a bird and get it within the first 10 minutes . Having gotten the chase bird , we then relaxed and enjoyed checking out the marsh for other birds . Tina , also known as Ursula Vernon 's crazy - birder - friend - Tina , is a masterbirder and gave me a brief lesson in distinguishing Vaux 's Swifts from swallows . Both were present in good numbers so that was fun , learning something that I 'd forgotten over the last 4 years of barely birding . Unfortunately , I 'm still at a stage where after an outing , I 'm completely wiped out for a day or two . Which brings us to books . Worldcon is coming up so I 'm reading science fiction mostly and one of the authors I discovered from a reference meander while doing the Hugo voting reading is Kristine Katheryn Rusch . I ended up reading the entire Retrieval Artist series and enjoyed it during my surgery week and the immediate recovery period . It 's more in the entertaining SF mode but does have some interesting ideas about legal systems if there really were multiple alien cultures out there . How would we resolve our differences ? What about the cultural things where something humans considered trivial was a death penalty issue for them ? The series is set in a far distant future where corporations have only grown in power and deals with the background I 've mention and how that impacts the individuals enforcing the laws . Fun stuff . Posted by I love bicycling and I am excited about electric vehicles as an alternative to a second car so this story from Treehuggers caught my eye . Read their full article here . I 'm glad to see that the list of vendors on http : / / organictransit . com / has one in Portland and one in Port Townsend so I can go try one out and see if it will meet my needs . Since most of my trips in a car by myself are less than 10 miles , this would be almost perfect . Check out someone test driving it in the video . This week 's email brought this article from Grist about a new way to create electricity from wind . I guess it 's appropriate that the giant toilet plungers will be used in water , eh ? Gotta love the picture ! Today 's blog post is on what will be my new website . I 'm in mid - transition so lizcopeland . com still points to the old website . But the blog is now on the new website . Here 's the link : liz - copeland . squarespace . com . Things are not finished yet so please hold the comments as I move everything around . Please update your saved links if you have them . Eventually , my webpage name should take you right there . * cross fingers * Today 's walk on the greenbelt was fabulous ! I remembered to put my heel lift in my shoe so my back was happier , the sun was out , the air was just slightly warmer than crisp , and the birds were showing off . Before I made it out of the parking lot , there was a towhee calling from the tree next to my space . After admiring him and his red eye , I glanced to the right and saw a Great Blue Heron on top of a snag . They like to perch up high and preen in the sun and in the spring , the leaves aren 't out enough yet to obscure them . distance view I headed to the trail with my phone in my pocket so I could take more shots like the one below . This GBH was not at all nervous about all the people and dogs on the greenbelt today . closer view Since the pier is flooded right now , I instead headed for the trail that goes up the middle of the blueberry fields . At the bend , there 's a very tall snag that has been used multiple times as a nesting site by woodpeckers . This morning , there was a flicker busy excavating a new hole . He was also tolerant of me being on the trail so I got some nice shots of him going in and out of the hole . Unfortunately , my camera phone doesn 't get enough detail on its own and I didn 't bring the zoom lens for it . So , no fabulous closeup for the flicker . But you can see the holes above where the flicker is working . They tend to start at the top and work down as that 's how the snag dries out . And here 's a shot showing how much more stump there is to be used . I would estimate the flicker is about 30 feet up . So this snag will be a woodpecker nesting site for years to come . Also chickadees if I 'm remembering things my expert birder friends have said about reuse of woodpecker holes by other birds . I 'm down with the flu , again ! , and thus have no work to share this week so here 's a link to show what another ( now local ) fiber artist has done lately . Carol Bryer Fallert - Gentry has documented Fossil Fantasy from idea to finished art piece here . I 'm looking forward to watching the whole thing as I feel up to it . I 've been down this last week or so due to a root canal . I was very low energy but still had enough for walks on the greenbelt when the weather was good . And I am happy to confirm that spring is really here . I get some of my best inspiration from these walks and here are a few of the photos I got using my phone . Spring is my favorite time to go birding since the trees don 't have leaves yet and the birds are not only in breeding plumage , but being more social and active . I also appreciate it as the gray of winter fades away and the colors pop in the landscape . Great example below . . . I only got a decent photo of one bird . Such is the splendor of spring that I even get fond of mallards in this season . grazing in the grass During the week , I was casually trying to get a better shot of the eagles but they kept avoiding me when I had my phone in hand . Morning walks with my bins , no problem , they 'd stay in their tree and look down at me with that haughty eagle look . But put my phone in my pocket and suddenly they all had to be somewhere else in a hurry . That led to this shot of an eagle zooming out of range during the middle of the week . On the last day of my Samish Island vacation , I went outside during a sunbreak to see an eagle off in the distance . I grabbed my phone and went back out to see if I could get some kind of shot . As I was focusing in on him , he decided to check me out too . No white head , so he 's a juvenile , or at least not more than a few years old . I was glad to finally get an eagle shot but even happier to have had such close up views of so many different birds from the living room of the Beach House . It was a great place for a quiet couple getaway with good food nearby and lots of fabulous scenery . Posted by A couple of days later , the weather finally cleared briefly . We got some sun , the wind dropped off , and there was our official bird trip sighting of a Great Blue Heron . He was off in the distance on a piling having taken it over from the cormorants . I could see him fairly well through the bins but without them , it requires knowledge of typical silhouettes to identify him . A few hours later , there was a large flock of surf scoters playing in the bay . Also requires zooming in on the photo to see them . It was great fun to watch them playing in the water . They were flapping wings and dipping their heads and sometimes making runs at one another . It 's almost as much fun as watching the birds play in the wind . I was experimenting with my phone camera and zoomed in on the seagulls pecking around in the exposed sand / mud . I really kinda like this photo because it looks almost like a painting of the scene when you click on it and make it bigger . I 'm thinking of printing it on silk and coloring on it a bit . I 'm back from a 10 day vacation , most of it spent on Samish Island just across Padilla Bay from Anacortes . It was a nicely birdy vacation but most of the birds were a little camera shy , especially the eagles . Here 's a view of the bay from our cottage 's living room . You can see some of the raindrops on the glass . And the shrub on the other side of the road was a favorite spot for the smaller birds . We arrived on Saturday , the 13th , in the late afternoon as a bit of stormy weather was coming in across the bay . This was nice as the eagles and gulls were having fun riding the wind . But the eagles and the weather meant I couldn 't capture the fabulous moment of watching 4 eagles ride the wind just off our bit of coast . I stepped out onto the deck and got this shot of one of the eagles going much higher in the distance . The weather drove me back inside pretty quickly . If I were a more dedicated photographer , I 'm sure I could have done much better . As I 'm a zen birder , I instead enjoyed the moment , watching the four eagles play in the wind and almost jostle each other to get the good spots . It was a great beginning for our relaxing week away . Gorilla Glue will hold anything to anything . And look horrible while doing it . But since I wanted to attach a wire hanger to the back of a small white board , appearance didn 't matter . Even in an artist 's studio . Here 's the finished white board serving its purpose of reminding me what I 'm supposed to do in the studio . Because there 's lots of shiny in there and I need help sometimes staying focused . I 've had this little board for a long while and the double sided sticky tape it came with didn 't survive the first time I had to take it down and move it . So I tried some other double sided tape and that only worked on a totally flat surface and even then it failed eventually and the board came tumbling down . I then went to just propping it up against a wall . That has its own aggravations , since it will fall over when I have both hands full of something sticky or wet and can 't pick it up . And often the writing gets smudged when it slides down . Or whatever . In this last studio cleanup , I decided I wanted it on the wall and started trying to figure out how to hang it up . The plastic frame rules out anything attached with screws like a sawtooth picture hanger . And usually that would also rule out my usual picture wire also attached with screws . But then I remembered Gorilla Glue . I cut the piece of wire , bent the ends over the edges of the back of the board , taped it in place with the ever useful low adhesion tape , and then put on the Gorilla Glue to make it stay . We 'll see if it goes the distance but it 's certainly working just fine for about a month now . This week I had too many projects going at once so I took some time to finish off the filing and slowed down a bit on the dragon . Today I tried out some ideas for what I 'm now calling the Laughing Dragon . I wanted to add some color to the spirals being breathed out by the dragon and the earlier one with a color wash just was not at all what I had in mind . Wanting to keep it airy and leave lots of the open space in the spirals , I tried out some color bubbles . Nope . So , time to leave it alone . Next one I show here will be a finished piece instead of an experiment or a dead end . Laughing dragon with color bubbles On to the sewing phase of the projects . And that means picking fabric for the back of the pillows . Looking in my drawer of larger pieces , I didn 't see the sorts of batik with spirals I wanted and thought I had . Oops . Must be in the sole remaining bag of fabric left to put away , I thought . And yes , I was right . So the rest of the studio time for the weekend will be in selecting fabric and putting away the last of the fabric clutter . Somewhere in this pile of fabric is some nice batik spirals in the right shades of blue and orange . And fondling my fabric is always fun . By the end of this next week , I plan to have 2 dragon pillows and at least one laughing dragon fabric collage finished . Posted by You know how you get one of those songs in your head and only " It 's a Small World " can chase it away but that leaves you with , well , Small World instead ? Well , once I did some trials of the swirly fire for the fire breathing dragon and thought " It looks like they 're burping " , I was in the same state . I just can 't see it any other way . These 2 dragons have mouths aiming down so I paired them in the photo . My primary goal for this set of pictures was to try out color combos with the swirly fire silkscreen . I am not happy with the silkscreen but do like the color combinations with the different colors of the dragons . I still have to paint the red dragons and will be trying out some shooting flames with the swirly on the fabric one . And I have a third paper one that I will working with first , trying out different flame styles . That 's really one of my meta lessons for this series . I have to experiment one piece at a time , changing one thing at a time to get the best return on my effort . Each piece has something to tell me and I may need to totally change direction after it so I need to focus on one at a time and learn from it . I keep trying to jump ahead and be efficient and I know in my head that doesn 't work but getting it integrated into my process is a different matter . Posted by While I liked the basic color combo of the warm colored dragon , I wanted to tweak the color choices a bit . And I had two pieces of cotton with dragon outlines screened , one in red and one in black . I know I already said the dragonflies looked much better with a black silkscreen , so this is a validation of that applied to warm colors . And yup , it is still true . Looks much better with the black outline . I painted these two dragons with the same colors , actually at the same time . The other conclusion is I really prefer working on the silk . The paint flows much better and gives the watercolor effect that I like . The red outlining just kind of muddies the colors and looks less crisp . So , give up that idea . Clearly I was somewhat attached to the idea of using something in the same color family as the silkscreen color but this last experiment has convinced me to just let it go . Red outline And for reference , here 's the original color tryout on paper with the black outline . I mention the color differences under the redo photo above : body color a different , more orangy red , and I did the head in mostly the upper wing color rather than the body color so the expression is easier to read . The one below is not bad for the first try but not what I really wanted . And I 'm now at the end of the month of experiments . I haven 't even made it into dye trials but it was very productive in narrowing my materials and helping me focus my work in a particular style and subject matter . Winged things on silk , that 's what I 'll be doing this next month . As for the dragons , I will be getting the fire - breathing part done next and then the backgrounds . More trial and error fun ! But which is better right now , plug - in hybrid or electric ? Here 's a good article analyzing the choices ( click here ) and best of all , the article has an example from a total cost over 5 years calculator , Edmunds True Cost to Own Calculator . I 'll be running the numbers on the choices altho my inclination is to stick with the hybrids until charging stations are more common . This calculator makes it easier to see the benefits of going electric because the maintenance costs can really shift the total cost to own over the 5 years so I 'll have to play with it a bit . I have to admit I love the idea of having a car that doesn 't run on gas and saves me money . My idea of a win / win scenario . On Monday , I painted . I did 4 different dragons with 3 different color combinations . I painted the first 3 on paper : the red & blue combos that I want to do for gifts ( and need to finish this week , eep ! ) and a purple / teal / silver combo for a FB friend who did one of those quizzes that said her fantasy creature was a dragon . I asked what color of a dragon would she be and voila ! got my third color combo to try . Lesley 's dragon I 'll probably do this one again with a bluer and lighter purple for the body . This is just too much like grape juice for me . The silver is actually a metallic paint which really doesn 't photograph well . Here are the two paper versions of the red & blue combos . The reddish one came out fine . Not so for the blue one . The blue one was done with transparent paint on the body and front of the wing and opaque teal for the feathery edge in the middle of the wing . I messed up the color on the right wing , and wanted to try my transparent teal instead of the opaque one to increase the contrast . So next I did the blue one again on fabric . Here 's both of them in one shot to show the differences . I like the changes in the paint colors on the fabric one but ended up overworking it by trying to fix some unevenness in the body with a water wash after I finished painting . Let this be a lesson in the dangers of overworking . . . I will probably attempt to save it by adding paler blue sky background and see if I can blend the bleeding into that . Overall I 'm liking the results and enjoying the process . The artistic sweet spot would be totally achieved except I started having back spasms this morning . More painting will have to wait until tomorrow when I will use my posture alert tool to see if I can keep from stressing my back . Friday I got the dragon silkscreens made and on Saturday I printed outlines in both black and red on 3 cotton pieces then did the same on sketchpad paper so I could try different color variations on the paper before doing them on the fabric . Then I had to wait for them to dry . Which meant painting didn 't begin until this morning . Here 's the dragon screened on paper with a sample of the colors I was trying out for the red / orange / yellow version . And here 's the first paper color trial . I narrowed the colors to 5 total but only used 3 in this first pass . The other two colors are for shadows and blending . I wasn 't careful about my brush work since this was a try of the colors themselves and the details aren 't as important for that . I like the combination and I 'm sure some more shadows and highlights will make it fabulous . I 'm also counting on blending being easier to do on the fabric than on the sketchpad paper . Tomorrow will bring multiple dragons in different colors on paper and fabric . Fun times in my studio ! Posted by
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Gladatoria Offline Last seen : 4 days 4 hours ago Joined : 09 / 08 / 2013 - 14 : 20 James Duncan High Open RP Nestled within the district of Old Braford , James Duncan High is a relatively new educational institution founded in 2012 , but it 's worth can 't be counted in years , but it 's purpose and facets . Named after the famed and fallen hero American Star , James Duncan High functions a revolutionary magnet school , it 's stellar curriculum catering to the needs of two populations : nonpowered and powered students . It 's facilities carry a old - world traditional sense of architecture meshed with cutting edge technology and alluring and smart decor , such as a holographic display above the dual sets of fountains near the front of the building bearing the various deeds of heroes throughout the day within the news . It 's overall structure is a initial brickwork outlined by solid titanium plating , mixed with other alloys often provided by scientific heroes as it faces reconstruction . Walking though the halls , a student would be introduced to the necessary locations within the school grounds by a onsite AI named ESSI , or Educational Systems and Security Interface . Classrooms aside from the obviously different standards of Fine Arts are equipped with desk interfaces that stream a miniaturized version of the smartboard lesson , and are detachable for greater ease of access . It 's cafeteria is outlined with the school 's colors of Red and Gold , bears fully stocked and functional kitchens , televisions that display local and school news , and a pristine view of a large open air courtyard along it 's perimeter that is used to hold dances , and separates the main school from the gym and sports facilities . It 's fine arts department is also notable , as aside from a Orchestra and Art hallway , Digital Media Room and Auditorium , it 's Drama organization is it 's pride and joy aside from it 's stellar football team , the James Duncan All Stars . Currently pacing before class starts within this room is a rather stressed Rosella Burdelon , who awaits the results of her audition for the role of Elphaba in the school 's first production of Wicked . Despite the relative irony of her role , Rose aims to do the best she can , though she is rudely reminded that competition brings out the best of the worst in people , as resident mean girl and former friend Madison Groves strolls in . Clad in a fashionable black nearly see - through blouse and semi short gold silk skirt , partnered with knee high black heeled boots , and full lengths of steely blond hair and piercing grey eyes , Madison 's model like attire grossly parallels that of Rose 's . " My concealer is Cle de Peau , Rosie . One bottle was probably worth more than your gypsy camp ! " Rose blinks at the insult , before simply shaking her head at the girl , muttering in french before replying . " One , I 'm French creole sweetheart , not that you have the brains to even spell the phrase . And two , I 'd slap you , but contracting herpes is not on my list of things to do today , Madison . " She states in a rather expert Boston Brahman accent nearly identical to Madison 's own , who opens her mouth to retort , but chooses silence as they move to their respective seats , as students file in , as does the teacher , ending the verbal war . RottenLuck Offline Last seen : 1 hour 49 min ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 Stepping off the bus there Stepping off the bus there was little to tell that the teen aged Robert was a bit more then normal . Baggy jeans , sneakers , a white t shirt , blue hoodie , and black back pack . That was until you spot his back . The glow from the fiberoptics of his cybernetic spine shone through the fabric of the shirt , up to his bald head where it connects to the back of his skull with metallic spider like webbing of metal and faint blue nano cords seen under his skin . His viser connected to the metal band that ends at his ears and on his left arm he had a wearable computer gauntlet like device . He pulled up his hood over his head trying to hide his shaved condition . Without warning a crumbled up paper wad came flying and thought it was aimed for the back of his head he leaned to the left just in time to avoid being hit . He even caught it with his right hand and tossed it into the trash can he was passing . Just another morning at James Duncan High . Foradain Offline Last seen : 1 hour 57 min ago Joined : 10 / 25 / 2013 - 21 : 06 Toni Mercer didn 't have the Toni Mercer didn 't have the figure of either Rose or Maddie , but that was perfectly understandable . The clothing he usually wore could be thought of as " unisex " , and most of the people who realized he was male assumed he was gay . Not that he had a problem with people making that assumption , as long as they kept things civil . . . Toni smiled and nodded at Rosie as he found his own seat . From his pack he pulled out two sheets of music . Which one would he use for the audition ? Fortunately , being in the middle of the alphabet he had time to decide . He hoped he wouldn 't choose the same one Rose did ; he had gotten the role of Viola in Twelfth Night and didn 't find out until later that Rose had wanted it . Ah , well , at least she had beaten Maddie for Olivia . Which would she choose ? Elphaba was the lead role , but from what he 'd learned last week it was hitting the nail a bit squarely . Finally , he went with his gut instinct , and put " Popular " on top . If he guessed wrong , he had a fifty - fifty chance of being able to change it , depending on which end of the alphabet the auditions started on . . . Gladatoria Offline Last seen : 4 days 4 hours ago Joined : 09 / 08 / 2013 - 14 : 20 Rose smiles to Toni as he Rose smiles to Toni as he enters , but takes a moment to note his music choice , commenting quietly from her seat beside him . " Oh , I chose No Good Deed , but don 't let that stop you . " The statement would earn a scoff from Madison , who inquires incredulously . " And you think you can pull it off ? Last time I checked Elphaba wasn 't loaded with silicon . " She insults , earning quite a few ' ooohs ' from the rest of the classroom . Madison , not yet yielding , simply turns to switch targets , staring down Toni like a snake . " Oh give me a break fruit loops , at least she can carry half a note . " She hisses , adding . " But I suppose you have better taste in clothes . . . for your standards I suppose . " Any other comments she could have lobbed are effectively cut off when she makes an attempt to plop into her chair , instead hitting the carpet hard on her backside , but the chair didn 't seem to move . . . almost as if it phased through to those with otherwordly senses . " Toni , are you ready ? " She asks with a smile , gesturing to the open door before Rose comments . " Just remember to breathe and not to overcomplicate the piece , you 'll be fine ! " Foradain Offline Last seen : 1 hour 57 min ago Joined : 10 / 25 / 2013 - 21 : 06 In the auditorium , Toni In the auditorium , Toni passed the sheet music to the pianist . Unfortunately , Maddie wasn 't in the auditorium at the moment ; she 'd have made a perfect target for some of the innuendoes . On the other hand , best to keep it as intended . He sang the piece contralto ( well within his usable range ) , and did , he thought , fairly well . " Very nice Toni , and the dynamics were sound . I really can 't nitpick here . . . but I was wondering why not Fiyero ? What made you choose Popular ? " She inquires with her everpresent honeylike tone , making it clear that brief stardom didn 't change how she treated anyone , and she was generally interested . Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 The door suddenly busts open The door suddenly busts open and a simple " Sorry i 'm late , teacher . " Could be heard . The door opener stepped in and revealed to be Venomscale aka Damon Blake . He was a reptilian humanoid , with dark green scales covering his body , except the front where he had just horizontally striped though skin , colored tan . He also had a reptilian tail covered in scales . His hands and feet were clawed , and his eyes are red with black vertical stripe pupils . His head resembled a lizard much more than a human . He was wearing a sleeveless brown leather vest and blue jeans held in place by a black leather belt . He didn 't have any shoes due to his clawed feet . He walked to a chair to sit down and once he had gotten closer a small dent in his scales on the left shoulder could be seen , as if someone had attempted to stab him with a knife . Foradain Offline Last seen : 1 hour 57 min ago Joined : 10 / 25 / 2013 - 21 : 06 " Good question . After all , I " Good question . After all , I need to exercise the lower end of my range , as well . I suppose it was just the habit of going for a showier number . " Toni considered that possibility that Miss Hall was a mind reader . He couldn 't think of a good reason to dismiss the idea . . . Elsewhere , Miss Hall simply smiles as she replies . " Well I see no point in arguing your decision , and yes , for your information , I am a telepath . . that 's part of the reason I left Broadway . You couldn 't go an inch across that stage without hearing what everyone thought of you , no matter how good or grand your performance was . " She reveals in a subdued tone before adding with a wry smile . " But for now shall we keep that a secret , most staff members know it , but I would prefer to leave it a surprise to Miss Groves and the like . " She can 't suppress a sneer at the end of the sentence , showing that she clearly wasn 't fond of the venomous girl . Shaking her head , she states in her usual and kind tone . Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 Venomscale stopped lifting Venomscale stopped lifting and looked at the bully . " Your mouth is full of shit , i think you were in the sewer last night . " He replied , while clenching his hands into fists , careful not to scratch himself with his own claws . Foradain Offline Last seen : 1 hour 57 min ago Joined : 10 / 25 / 2013 - 21 : 06 Toni nodded . " That did seem Toni nodded . " That did seem implied , yes . And of course , I figure you 'll give me whichever role you think will make the better play , or teach us more , or maybe both ? " " All of the above , and I think I have just the part , though you 'll get your role tomorrow ; got to build up SOME suspense now . " She jokes , before leading him back to the Drama room , in which he is gently and kindly ambushed by a smiling Rose and a not so happy Madison , who 's presence feels icy to say the least . Madison speaks frist , much to Rose 's chargin , as Miss Hall takes the next student to the auditorium , though giving Toni a clear look and message : ' If she gets out of line , simply beep me . ' " So , assuming you didn 't flop the entire thing I suppose your my only competition . besides gypsy queen over here . . " She mocks , with emphasis on the word gypsy , as Rose simply flips Madison the bird whilst addressing Toni . " Excuse the dog , she hasn 't had the tact to be spayed yet . And I 'm sure you nailed it Toni . . . but don 't think this means I won 't try any less harder to show you up . " She smiles to him , a clear look of genuine friendship passed as she walks away , sitting promptly to look through her sheet music , examining notes for future improvement . Meanwhile , Madison simply glares him down as she challenges . " If you have any dignity left , I suggest dropping out of the play now . . . then again , it 'd be fun to traunce you both . Ciao , fruit loops . " She deadpans on the last statement , before sauntering over to her own flock to compare notes on their auditions . Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 Damon then said : " You are far Damon then said : " You are far too ignorant . And i 'm not sure you even know what ignorant means . " He then got down on all four and stood that way for a moment , but then hissed and leapt forward whit great speed to deliver a straight punch to Kyle 's nose . Note that Damon has super strength . Gladatoria Offline Last seen : 4 days 4 hours ago Joined : 09 / 08 / 2013 - 14 : 20 Kyle was sent several feet Kyle was sent several feet sprawling back by Damon 's sudden punch , a crunch heard as his nose is also promptly broken , blood streeaming down his face as Kyle struggles to get up against a weight rack , clutching his face . Any attempts for the boys to engage in round two is stunted by holographic figure of ESSI appearing before them . Modeled after the school 's principal Janet Ellis , a former heroine herself with the powers of kinetic field generation , it 's appearance is that of a stern looking woman with her hair in a tight bun , clad in a simple glowing business suit and skirt . " That is quite enough , Damon . Coach Wright please escort Mister Coleman to the Nurse 's office . " She commands , as the stiff man does so , urging the boy up angirly in response to his remarks , giving a curt if not slight nod of respect to Damon before exiting the room . " Since this is your first incident on school grounds , Miss Ellis has seen fit to provide you with only two sessions of after school detention , from 2 : 30 to 5 : 30 this afternoon and tomorrow . She also stated that she expects more from you given your academic performance . " With that statement , ESSI in a fold of blue , as other students staring at the scene give their differing reactions , mostly all smiles in Damon 's direction , save for the sneers of Kyle 's abandoned peers , who sulk off to the other side of the room leaderless for now . Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 " Totally worth it . " Damon " Totally worth it . " Damon said , then turned to continue his weightlifting , given that the class has not ended yet . RottenLuck Offline Last seen : 1 hour 49 min ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 The moment the hologram The moment the hologram appeared Robert done the normal teenage boy behavior . " Wasn 't me . " Now that events were over he returned to his Jeet Kun Do practice striking a sand bag with quick fast minimal movement attacks . A perfect fighting style for someone with super fast reflexes , but wasn 't a speedster . " I think you broke his nose . He get lucky or did you pull your punch ? " Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 " Gossip is just gossip . I don " Gossip is just gossip . I don 't care . That punch pretty much came from everyone here except for his goons . " Xselcier Offline Last seen : 5 days 11 hours ago Joined : 08 / 26 / 2013 - 11 : 54 A voice from over at the A voice from over at the bench press where Damon had been joined the conversation . " A solid hit , Scales . A little brutish and unbalanced , but effective nonetheless . " The speaker was a short , stocky guy with pale skin , auburn hair , and ice - blue eyes . He smiled easily as he leaned on the bar of the bench press . " Me , I prefer a bit more subtlety in my approach to sending a message . Check the goon squad over there . " he said , indicating Kyle 's posse sulking by the leg press . At the corner of Robert and Damon 's eyes , the red - haired young man would seem to flicker briefly . Then Kyle 's goons were hollering and tripping over themselves as they 'd all been pantsed and their shoelaces had been tied together . The short guy smiled again and walked over to Damon and Robert . " How ya doin ' ? I 'm Andy Donovan . " - Putting yourself in another persons shoes emotionally is something that everyone has to experience eventually . It 's part of learning to be a human being . Roleplayers do it for fun . Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 Damon paused the Damon paused the weightlifting to look at Kyle 's goons as they start tripping . " Impressive speed . I 'm Damon Blake . " He released his right hand from the weights to give Andy a handshake , careful not to injure him with his clawed hand . " Doing good , but i feel like i 'm lifting wooden sticks here . " He said . Andy would notice that Damon has no trouble at all holding the maxed out weight bar with one hand . Xselcier Offline Last seen : 5 days 11 hours ago Joined : 08 / 26 / 2013 - 11 : 54 " Oh , it 's not speed , persay . " Oh , it 's not speed , persay . Watch the clock there . " he said , pointing at the wall . The clock 's second hand ticked to : 55 , then it took five seconds to tick from : 55 to : 56 . After that , it progressed from : 56 to : 01 almost instantly . Andy grinned and leaned back on his arms . - Putting yourself in another persons shoes emotionally is something that everyone has to experience eventually . It 's part of learning to be a human being . Roleplayers do it for fun . Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 " Time manipulation , then . " Time manipulation , then . Still impressive . " He said as he watched the clock . Foradain Offline Last seen : 1 hour 57 min ago Joined : 10 / 25 / 2013 - 21 : 06 Toni smiled at both girls , Toni smiled at both girls , though if she were perceptive Maddie might have noticed the one directed at her was a bit fake . " Of course I didn 't flop . And I expect nothing less than your best from either of you . " Looking at Maddie , his smile faded as he added , " For whatever your best is worth . " In fact , if there were three things that landed him the stage management job for the school play , they were the fact that he was always early , the fact that he almost never talks unless he has to , and the fact that he has a free period first thing Tuesday Morning . To be fair , however , as Connor tapped his pencil against his clipboard while waiting for further instruction from the play 's director , his sunken eyes began to drift away , staring off into space as he thought of all the wonderful dreams that he could be having at that hour . After all , it wasn 't his fault that he could see ghosts , and it was even less of his fault to consider that they have the tendency to keep people up at night . Sure , every once in a while you get something interesting from a few of them ( a group of Union soldiers that once wandered through the walls of his bedroom gave him enough information to pass his Civil War test a few months ago ) , but more often than not , there 's a lot of noise , as if there were about six times as many people out on the streets at night than there should be . Connor pulled himself back to reality for a few moments as he realized that the director 's lips were moving again . He instinctively grabbed the paper coffee - cup next to him , nearly spilling it as he took a haphazard sip , and immediately begin scribbling on the paper attached to the clipboard . " . . . Sorry . Say that again ? " blue5150 Offline Last seen : 5 months 2 weeks ago Joined : 04 / 29 / 2014 - 12 : 43 The 72 classic olds 442 The 72 classic olds 442 pulled into the student parking . It wasn 't the prettiest looking car , it had a few dents and was a dull flat grey color . However the engine purred with perfection . Keith had spent countless hours restoring it . All he needed to do was finish the body work . He left the convertible top down and hopped out . He walked up to the school and opened the door . Her wore his school jacket with pride . He was a co captain of the hockey team and captain of the baseball team . " Mr Gateman , if you are done we still need those costumes rolled in from the drama room , Miss Hall left a key near your cup . And also , I 'd be sure to wipe away the coffee mustache before heading there . " He smiles as he notes , moving to the other wide of the stage before adding . " And please inform Miss Groves , Miss Burdelon and Mister Mercer that Miss Hall would like them to stay after school , same as you for dress rehearsal . " " If I didn 't know any better , I think she sees you as a threat . . . relish in that for a moment . And also , calm down . . . excessive studying is just going to tire you out for the rehearsal , whatever you get is whatever you get , mon ami . " She states softly . Stalker Offline Last seen : 10 hours 25 min ago Joined : 05 / 21 / 2014 - 20 : 28 The Jock King would find his The Jock King would find his way into the nurse 's office , feeling a pulse of empathy almost immediately . In front of the red - mohawked menace was a scrawny boy sitting in a chair , turned towards the nurse with his hands folded in his lap and his leg pumping a hundred times per minute . He was nervous . . . He wore a basic Zipper Hoodie , navy blue , and tan cargo pants with simple , mid - price - range sneakers . He was one of those students who the Jock had never given a second thought to . The Nurse herself was reading over the paper in her hands : a doctor 's note , and also spoke with a man over the phone . Presumably the Doctor . " Yes I understand that he 's a special case . He seems to have the opposite effect . . . " The student in front of the nurse turned to see Kyle and offered him a couple paper towels to deal with the bleeding on his face . A good few drips had already reached his shirt and stained in ugly patterns with the already - existing sweat stains . The scrawny boy avoided saying anything , afraid he might pull on the wrong emotional chord and get himself in trouble with the populars . Kyle gave one of those cocky upward head nobs of ' thanks kid ' that the upper crust liked to do . The only reason he even fit in , this smaller teen , was because his powers were never out . The larger jock dabbed the blood from his face , careful to avoid touching his nose to make it hurt . He gave the outward tough - guy expression , even though he was in pain . Finally the Nurse hung up the phone and signed the document . " Okay Vincent . Now , I 'm approving your medication , but I need you to take this form to the principal . I 've signed it , so she knows it has my okay . " The teacher handed the paper and an unmarked flask to the boy , as well as a measuring cup that often came with cough syrup . Kyle gave an odd look to the nurse . Was he just given booze as medication ? " Remember Vincent , you 're only supposed to take 2 ounces at most , every 8 hours . A little bit during lunch , and you should be good until you get home . A little bit when you wake up , and a little bit before you go to bed . . . " The Nurse let out a sigh and shook her head . " I still find it hard to believe that you need to take CHASER of all things to stay like that . " Vincent winced at the word she used . Chaser was an unfortunate necessity to keep his power in check . If he didn 't take it , the likely scenario was that he 'd start heating up until everything around him starting bursting into flame . Vince nodded and gave a small " thanks . . . " before scurrying out the door . He hurried down to the principle 's office to relay the newly signed note . blue5150 Offline Last seen : 5 months 2 weeks ago Joined : 04 / 29 / 2014 - 12 : 43 As he entered the school he 'd As he entered the school he 'd be greeted by everyone . " what 's up man " another jock would say as he passed . " Hi Keith " a couple of girls would flirtatiously chime . Other popular kids would just hold thier fist out and nod as Keith fist bumped and returned the subtle nod . He was popular and charming . Even the teachers liked him . Always on time with assignments and didn 't even have to struggle to keep his 4 . 0 . Smart , handsome , charming , popular , and athletic . All should have been perfect in his world . It wasn 't . He 'd been sent to this school when his parents lost custody . He never talked about it . He was just gład his aunt welcomed him with open arms . He was different , but never let on . Her being different as well made it all easier to understand . As he walked up to his locker he passed the auditorium . Someone was singing , she sounded good he noted . Then he passed the gym where he spent alot of time . When he got to his locker he opened it up and placed a few books in it . Then he heard the locker next to him start to talk . " Little help here " a soft and almost nerdy voice said . Keith smiled , but tried to hide it as he opened the other locker . A short and skinny underclasman spilled out onto the floor . Pens and books and loose change scattering . " heya mort " . Keith said as he helped the much smaller guy up . " thanks Keith " mort replied . " I 'm glad you 're not like those other jerks . " who was it this time ? " Keith asked . " Steve and his crew " mort answered . " oh andthey took my lunch money " . Mort said frantically searching his pockets . " don 't worry , find me then and ill treat . " Keith said offering mort one of his granola bars . Mort took it as the bell wrang . " Oh no ! ! ! I can 't be late to thus class . " he quickly gathered some loose papers then turned to rush to class . He quickly turned back as Keith handed him the textbook he needed . He just looked at Keith , shook his head and took of down the hall . " we 'll Monica 's parents are in Fiji soooo . House party there ok ? " she turned and walked away looking back at Keith as he headed to class . " I 'll let you know " he said hustling by her trying not to be late . He then got to the door and walked in . He sat up front and took out his book . This was his favorite class . History Wipe away coffee mustache . He blinked , wiped his lip , crossed the instruction out , and nodded sleepily . " Alright Mister Theroux , " he said somewhat sleepily , before getting up and heading to the door . He paused , hand halfway to the doorknob , and stood there for a brief moment as he debated using the Sparklock Spell to make things easier . He eventually decided against it with a sigh ; as nice as convenience was , keeping a good secret was more important . He opened the door to the hallway , stepping out and making a beeline to the costume shop . It was a short trip , considering the school 's layout , but when he arrived , the costume crew itself seemed abscent . " Oh right . First period class , " he muttered to himself , flipping to an empty piece of paper and scrawling a note before placing it atop a rumpled costume . He exited , closing the door behind him quietly . Next , the auditioners . Hopefully nobody would bother him on the way over . RottenLuck Offline Last seen : 1 hour 49 min ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 " Wow time manipulation . That " Wow time manipulation . That 's kind of rare isn 't it . Me technically I 'm a normal kid , just I have this . " He pulled up the back of his shirt and showed off the cybernetic spine . " A successful failure . It repaired the damage to my back was only supposed to be three vertebrae but it kept growing replacing my entire spine now it going into my skull and taking over my entire nervous system . Even my sensory nerves are being replaced I used to need glasses when I was a kid now my eyesight better than normal . So much so I almost have a six sense . " He took a step back from the punching back and activated his overclocking abilities his spine lit up as the artificial nerves went into high speed . Then the delivered about ten punches to the punching bag in the same spot in about 4 seconds so he was pulling about 2 and half punches per second . Then it was over and the spine went dim as he caught his breath " Not quite super speed , but getting there , and I can only do it in short bursts . " " So , Connor , right ? " She smiles , and he would note she didn 't have to fish for his name like other students would if they didn 't know him , she clearly paid attention . She then adds with a smirk . Stalker Offline Last seen : 10 hours 25 min ago Joined : 05 / 21 / 2014 - 20 : 28 Finally Vince made it to the Finally Vince made it to the Principle 's office . Eyes were watching the halls , so he made the subtle move of simply placing the signed piece of paper int he Principle 's in - mailbox . He 'd been excused from first period class to take care of this , so He 'd have to catch the second period class session to start his day and meet anyone really . Until then . . . He decided to just chill in the cafeteria playing a little bit of Clicky Cape and snacking on twizzlers . The table he picked was off to a corner , his back to a wall and such . He wore a pair of normal earphones ; a cheap , 2 dollar , over the ear folding pair . Nerdy sound tracks played while he mindlessly flew his clicky cape hero between buildings to try to beat his highscore . RottenLuck Offline Last seen : 1 hour 49 min ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 " Well go ask the coach to use " Well go ask the coach to use the Danger Room . Were supposed to learn to control our abilities here that why we have a state of the art gym . Think you can even set the gravity in those rooms to higher than earth normal . Thought I don 't know personally haven 't used them . " Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 " Danger zone , huh ? " Damon " Danger room , huh ? " Damon said , thought for a moment , then added : " Not a bad idea . " Damon walked over to the coach and asked : " May I use the danger room ? " then quickly added : " This gym is useless for me , i 'm lifting wooden sticks here at the maximum weight on the weight bar . " Gideon Cross Offline Last seen : 19 hours 37 min ago Joined : 08 / 30 / 2013 - 19 : 04 Shepherd had entered the Shepherd had entered the school a he was being given a tour of the facilities . He had been planning on tutoring after seeing Toni and Rose in action . They peaked his interest in the fight . He figured if he could help them and others learn to control their powers more it would be a good way for him to keep busy on the days he wasn 't in the TCPD . " The weapons and obstacles that are erected will not kill you , but adapt to your limits . However , if at any time this gets too much , call out to ESSI , she is monitoring the room as we speak . " With that , he escorts the nonpowered boys out of the now Danger Room , before shouting as he leaves . Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 " Now this is more like it . " " Now this is more like it . " Damon said , then walked over to a one ton car . " Can you set these up with chains so it 's more comfortable to lift these ? It 's not like the car will lose any weight . " D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 4 days ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 Connor raises an eyebrow , and Connor raises an eyebrow , and begins pulling the rack out and into the next room . " . . . Right , " he says after a moment , looking at Rose with a furrowed brow . Something felt . . . Odd . " I 've seen you around school , passed you on the stage . " She then added as they rolled the rack down the hallway . " What ; d you THINK I meant ? " She asks with a smile . He shakes his head again , doing his best to avoid eye contact with the janitor that had passed away several months ago , before deciding to change the subject . " . . . So you 're Rose , right ? I 'm supposed to tell you to stay afterwards for your first rehearsal . " Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 " Incredible . " Damon said , " Incredible . " Damon said , then grabbing the chain to a one ton car with both hands and pulling it down , lifting the car upwards . He had no problem lifting it , but it was obvious he was putting in more effort than with the weights previously . After lifting the car a few times he decided to go to a two ton car , grabbing the chain and pulling it . He managed to lift this one as well and continued to lift it up and down for a moment , then moved on to a three ton car . He grabbed the chain and pulled it , able to lift this one as well , but lifted and lowered it only one time . He went on to a five ton car and grabbed the chain , pulling it downwards . He was able to lift it , but required more effort . He decided to stick with five tons for now , lifting it up and down . " He looks sad . . . I don 't think he was respected very well before he died , so at the very least we can try now . " With that said , she moves to pick up several items of trash left by careless students and depositing it in a wastebin . Turning back to Connor with a smile , she replies , probably answering his question . RottenLuck Offline Last seen : 1 hour 49 min ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 In the seats watching the In the seats watching the stage was the wayward spirit Misty Sinclair . She didn 't expect anyone to notice her she was relaxed and wasn 't making herself material . Those who could see her would see she had her feet propped up on the seat and would be revealing given she has a very short leather skirt on . Dressed like a Goth girl her outfit was once black now she 's dead it comes out a gray variation . If someone really focus on her arms they were see fant puncture marks for needles . She was also being annoying though she believed no one could hear her making cat calls and insulting those on stage . " What is this a Elementary school production ? I seen better at a kindergarten show ! " At the Gym Robert went to the sparing dummies . The ones if you hit one arm the other spins around to hit you . It was great practice learning how to attack and switch to blocking fast . The harder you hit the faster you have to block . Just what he needed to work on . D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 4 days ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 Connor sighs . " . . . I had a Connor sighs . " . . . I had a feeling that 's what you meant , " he says , looking back at the janitor . " I 've been having regular conversations with that guy from the day he died . Considering nobody talked to him anyway , I wonder if he even knows he 's dead . " He looks back at Rose . " Connor Gateman , current Wicket Door , if that makes any sense to you . " RottenLuck Offline Last seen : 1 hour 49 min ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 " Oh my ! It 's freaky when " Oh my ! It 's freaky when people notice me like that ! What the matter deary can 't take a little criticism . " She laughed " Besides I hate scaring kids I may be a pain , but I 'm not a monster . " She then sticks her tongue out at Rose " Go right ahead make yourself look foolish no one else can see me . . . . wait can anyone else see me ? " She stands up and turns around bending over flashing Rose " I was so sure I was invisible to live folk . " D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 4 days ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 " We can all see you . Best " We can all see you . Best Ghost Ever , ten out of ten , " Connor said passively as he attended to the costume rack . Hopefully two people would be enough to pull off the bluff . Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 Damon stopped lifting the Damon stopped lifting the five ton car and turned to the exit . On his way out he noticed Dennis lifting up ten tons without problem . " Enough for me today , I 've got other classes to catch . " He said to the coach before leaving the danger room . " Rosella Burdelon , latest with in the Burdelon line and voodoo priestess when it suits me . And don 't worry , they are too engrossed in the script to noticed . . . and no I mean like moreso than the rest of us , it 's kinda creepy . " She points to the circle of students backstage , eyeing the script like it 's a godsend . Leaving the rack near the left curtain , she turns to lead Connor near Misty so it appears like a regular conversation . . . mostly . D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 4 days ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 " Job summary , Death 's " Job summary , Death 's Paperboy , " he says in complete deadpan , rolling his eyes slightly before lowering his voice , " when people die , I 'm the doorman and the welcoming committee . When someone starts going on a murderous rampage , it 's my job to , you know , stop . . . That , " he says , waving vaguely . " Fun job . Wonderful benefits . " RottenLuck Offline Last seen : 1 hour 49 min ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 " Don 't worry about little old " Don 't worry about little old me . I even saved your lives . . . well okay I just fought a battle with some creepy demon things . Just it so BOOORING being dead . " She looked to the group of students with the scrips . Being closer they could guess her age was about 19 or 20 . She rose up and flew over to them and yanked the scrip out of one of the students hands . He blinked and looked to the script " Seems I have a case of butter fingers . " He reached down to pick it up as Misty returned to her seat . D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 4 days ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 Connor shrugs , towing the Connor shrugs , towing the clothing rack to where it had to be . " You 'll figure it out , " he said with a sigh as he checked his clipboard for a moment , " or . . . Something . " He looks up , then turns a page on his board over . Near the wall of the danger room , Alicia Crane sits by herself , rreading a book . Considering she isn 't watching the jocks do their thing , nor doing anything herself , it seems odd that she would pick a training room as a place to sit , let alone read . Every once in a while , the other students cast glances in her direction , none of them seeming all that favorable . RottenLuck Offline Last seen : 1 hour 49 min ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 Gym was about over for Robert Gym was about over for Robert so he ended his practice and went for the locker room to change . Removing his shirt before he fully went in his body wasn 't buffed it was a lean build more for speed then power . Right before he reached the locker room his back flared and he stumbled bracing himself against the wall as the power surge raced along his artificial nerves . He knew what it meant , somewhere in his body new nanites were taking over extending the network and augmenting more of his natural body . He stumiched down the fear . . how long till he was technically a machine ? " I told the witch doctor I was in love with you . And then the witch doctor , he told me what to do . He said that . . . . Ooo eee , ooo ah ah ting tang Walla walla , bing bang Ooo eee , ooo ah ah ting tang Walla walla , bing bang . . . " She laughed . " I want everyone here after school for the first rehearsal , including you Mister Gateman ! " He adds before stepping out himself to head backstage . Rose turns back to Connor with a smile . " We can take care of it after school , and don 't worry , secret 's safe with me . " With that said , she heads to her locker to retrieve her American History textbook , hoping that her next class would be mostly uneventful . RottenLuck Offline Last seen : 1 hour 49 min ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 " Don 't worry about me cutie . " Don 't worry about me cutie . Who am I going to tell ? The Janitor ? " Misty said now that the auditions were over there wasn 't really anything to pick on so she drifted up in the air and floated for the doors . " Do they still shower after Gym class ? " Gladatoria Offline Last seen : 4 days 4 hours ago Joined : 09 / 08 / 2013 - 14 : 20 Rosella , almost on a second Rosella , almost on a second thought , realized that one , she was so out of it she didn 't realize she had a free period , and that History was not until third . Placing the book sheepishly back in her locker , she returned to the Auditorium to find it mostly empty save for Toni , Connor , and Misty . Entering quietly , she decided to rarely and openly practice her abilities , willing herself to invisibility as she travels to her friend 's position . Seating herself right beside Misty , she allows herself to return to visibility in a emerald haze , sitting crosslegged like she had been there the entire time . Foradain Offline Last seen : 1 hour 57 min ago Joined : 10 / 25 / 2013 - 21 : 06 Toni noticed Rose talking to Toni noticed Rose talking to thin air , so he concentrated on a spell Setzer had taught him . It let him see Misty , vaguely , and hear her . But she was leaving , so he didn 't worry about her . He noticed Shepherd being given a tour , and Connor checking his notepad . " What 's up , Connor ? Caught the acting bug ? " RottenLuck Offline Last seen : 1 hour 49 min ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 Misty stopped spotting Misty stopped spotting Shepherd " Hey I know that guy . " Makes a face " Really what 's the point of being invisible and unnoticed if like half the people in the room can see and hear you ! That 's like cheating ! " D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 4 days ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 Connor looks up for a moment , Connor looks up for a moment , shakes his head , then looks back down at the clipboard . " I 'm stage managing . Not acting , " he says plainly , flipping another page over before looking up . " Wait , you 're not part of the cast , are you ? " Foradain Offline Last seen : 1 hour 57 min ago Joined : 10 / 25 / 2013 - 21 : 06 " Anthony Mercer . " It " Anthony Mercer . " It probably wasn 't down as Toni . . . Stalker Offline Last seen : 10 hours 25 min ago Joined : 05 / 21 / 2014 - 20 : 28 Finally , second period was Finally , second period was starting up . Anything was better than sitting alone in the cafeteria for the past hour or so . Well . . . Technically speaking , some huge guy had come through , but he seemed more content to just eat on his own than to chit - chat . Either way , Vince closed down his game of Clicky Cape and stashed his headphones and made his way to class . He stopped by his locker to pick out his book for the class and seemed to linger a minute longer than he needed to , letting out a sigh . He didn 't know anybody here . Not really . He 'd been transferred in just today , so what point was there to try very hard right away ? He pressed his forehead against the cool aluminum shelf in the middle of his locker and shut his eyes for a second . Just taking in the sounds and the hustle - bustle of the students talking between classes . He noted the social groups all around him . The geekier kids who focused on studies . The nerdier kids who cared more for different media . The sports kids and drama kids , and then there were the odd ones out . The supers . They were Pariah 's and idols at the same time . Something to be jealous of , but also fearful of . . . Where did he actually belong then ? Finally , he clicked his door shut and gave the dial a careless spin . Some students lodged paperclips into their lockers to make it easier to open later , but Vince certainly didn 't trust this peer - group right now . Finally he made his way to his sciences class . He walked in with the stragglers , taking a seat near the back , and closer to the window . A good place to not be noticed . He liked the subject . Science . It seemed to hold secrets to unlock the universe , though the current class was much more simple . Chemistry at least meant he 'd be forced into pairing up with another student at some point . He 'd try to make friends then . . . That is , unless the teacher made him introduce himself first . Xselcier Offline Last seen : 5 days 11 hours ago Joined : 08 / 26 / 2013 - 11 : 54 " Mr . Cain ! What have I told " Mr . Cain ! What have I told you about defacing private property ? " said a harsh Arabic voice from behind Dennis as all the snacks he 'd taken from the machine left his arms and pockets . The orderly line of bagged chips and candy bars floated back to the machine , slotting themselves back in to the springs . As they did this , the man speaking walked around in front of Dennis . It was Mr . Al - Zawari , Biochemistry teacher and resident telekinetic . - Putting yourself in another persons shoes emotionally is something that everyone has to experience eventually . It 's part of learning to be a human being . Roleplayers do it for fun . D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 4 days ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 Connor looks up again , his Connor looks up again , his brow furrowed at Rose 's odd choice of words . " Am I alright what ? " He says , looking back down at his clipboard for a moment before looking back up at her . He then looks to Toni , and after scanning his pages for the ' alternative ' name that he had offered , gave a nod of approval before adding a small checkmark to the side with his pencil . " I 'm uh . . . I 'm fine , I 'm fine . Just concentrating . Mostly . " Xselcier Offline Last seen : 5 days 11 hours ago Joined : 08 / 26 / 2013 - 11 : 54 " Thank you for your input , Ms " Thank you for your input , Ms . Crane . But Mr . Cain has been warned about this infraction before . " Mr . Al - Zawari said , looking over at the quiet girl and nodding . - Putting yourself in another persons shoes emotionally is something that everyone has to experience eventually . It 's part of learning to be a human being . Roleplayers do it for fun . RottenLuck Offline Last seen : 1 hour 49 min ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 Misty laughed " Oh well I 'm Misty laughed " Oh well I 'm sure if this was my only haunting ground I could think of some ways to entertain myself . Luckily it seems I 'm bound to Titan City itself and can go anywhere in it 's limits . Right now I 'm going to scout around . Perhaps a group who aren 't composed of Mediums . After all what else is a Poltergeist to do then cause mischief ! " Then Misty flew through the wall laughing . Robert ran into science class just as the bell rang and settled down at a table noting a new kid in class . He reached over to offer a handshake to Vince . " Hey , I 'm Robert Tanner nice to meet you . " Unknown to Robert his eyes were now silvery the modifications the nanites made were to his very eyes . " Mr Al - Zawari is right , you have been warned about this larceny before Mr . Cain . As such , three days of after school detention starting today , and you must work to help repair the machine you so haphazardly destroyed , the right way . " The holographic figure then turns to Alicia , as she states further . " Miss Crane , Principal Ellis would like to speak with you during 6th period . Her room is opposite the library , A104 . " With that , she fades away in a blue haze . D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 4 days ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 " Uh huh , " Connor says in " Uh huh , " Connor says in response to Rose 's explanation , apparently not seeming to think it was all that strange despite his original reaction . He watches Toni carefully as he peeks at the clipboard . . . But there are no roles there . All that 's listed is a hand - written attendance sheet . " If you 're looking for something specific , you should try asking Miss Hall , she 's the director , " Connor says , flipping to another page before checking over another list of handwritten notes , " all that Mister Theroux and I have are technical notes and things that have to get done , " he says with a shrug . Foradain Offline Last seen : 1 hour 57 min ago Joined : 10 / 25 / 2013 - 21 : 06 " Yeap , she 's bilingual . Me , " Yeap , she 's bilingual . Me , I have to study French , in about three minutes . Guess I 'll be seeing you later , Rose ! " Toni headed off to his French class . " I imagine you also have a free period as well ? And out of curiosity , are you alright ? " She looks him over with a pair of piercing emerald eyes , and her tone makes it clear she actually , genuinely cares . D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 4 days ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 " Stage managers skip class " Stage managers skip class during tech periods because we have things to do , " Connor says , looking up at her for a few moments . He frowned a bit , seeming a bit puzzled as to why she was staring at him , but ultimately didn 't seem too disturbed by it . After a few more seconds of checking things off , he walked over to a nearby chair , sitting down and tucking his pencil into the clip on his clipboard with a sigh . " Yeah . I 'm fine . Just tired , " he says after reclining a bit . " Sleeping trouble . " Alicia nods politely , looking to ESSI for a moment more in acknowledgement . " Yes ma ' am . I 'll head over right away . " Seemingly , she meant it , immediately making her way along the same route that Dennis had taken a few moments earlier , passing by his locker on the way to the principle 's office . She takes a deep breath upon reaching the door , then slowly , carefully reaches up and gives the door two knocks . Despite the delicacy of the moment , they still come off as quite loud . At the very least however , it wasn 't door - shattering . " So many people in this city , you must be overworked ferrying them to the afterlife . " Deduces , before inquiring . " Do you enjoy being the Wicket Door ? " " Since I imagine ESSI informed you of our reason for meeting , I 'll be frank . In the heat of the unnessecary fanfare against your enrollment here , my colleagues neglected to ask how you personally feel about the parameters in place , and arranging your classes for your safety and comfort as well as other students . So in short : what is your stance in the matter and how would you like to modify your status , Alicia ? " She then offers a disarming smile , and a hand to shake , the other occupied with manifesting a cobalt force field the size of a plate , and maneuvering a pot of green tea and two china teacups to the coffee table before them both . D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 4 days ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 Connor shrugs , rubbing his Connor shrugs , rubbing his eyes for a brief moment afterwards . " Depends . Sometimes it 's sort - of annoying . Other times , you get a decent amount of satisfaction knowing that you 're helping people finally find peace , " he says with a shrug , " especially since there isn 't really much to be found around here , at least most of the time , " he adds under his breath . He turns , looking up to where the ghost had been a few moments before , and after failing to see her there , instead sighs and turns his gaze to the lighting fixtures above the stage . " Though I suppose it could be worse . I haven 't run into any Reapers just yet . " Alicia shakes the principle 's hand and takes a seat , but offers nothing in return other than the slightest of smiles . She sits almost stoically , with her hands in her lap , and her back straight , the power lines on her bracers and the central power note on her belt glowing softly , along with her white eyes . " . . . I 'm not sure I follow , " she says after a moment of silence , " if by my status , you mean my class lineup , then I think it would be best to keep the safety of others as a top concern , " she says , her voice somewhat emotionless . At least outwardly , it 's a bit difficult to tell how she truly feels about her current situation . Stalker Offline Last seen : 10 hours 25 min ago Joined : 05 / 21 / 2014 - 20 : 28 Vince looked up at the Vince looked up at the partially nanite 'd teen with a slight bewilderment . Piercing metallic eyes looked back down at him , but they weren 't judging for the moment . Rather , it was the eyes of the normal students that seemed to be judging the two at the moment . Had he managed to not be noticed by the others that easily ? - - " Vince . " He replied abruptly , shaking the hand with a quick grip and a single up and down motion . " - - transfered in today . " he added , shifting an arm to cover a doodle on his binder . It was just one of those . . . S things . You know , the really geometric things that show up on at least half a dozen binders during school . Yeah , you know . . . The S - thing ! http : / / i . imgur . com / U9IsW . jpg It wasn 't an important detail really , though the freehand lines came out decent , and he 'd used pen only , so that meant he could probably draw alright ? Who knew . Besides that one doodle , the binder looked clean .
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Gladatoria Offline Last seen : 6 days 4 hours ago Joined : 09 / 08 / 2013 - 14 : 20 James Duncan High Open RP Nestled within the district of Old Braford , James Duncan High is a relatively new educational institution founded in 2012 , but it 's worth can 't be counted in years , but it 's purpose and facets . Named after the famed and fallen hero American Star , James Duncan High functions a revolutionary magnet school , it 's stellar curriculum catering to the needs of two populations : nonpowered and powered students . It 's facilities carry a old - world traditional sense of architecture meshed with cutting edge technology and alluring and smart decor , such as a holographic display above the dual sets of fountains near the front of the building bearing the various deeds of heroes throughout the day within the news . It 's overall structure is a initial brickwork outlined by solid titanium plating , mixed with other alloys often provided by scientific heroes as it faces reconstruction . Walking though the halls , a student would be introduced to the necessary locations within the school grounds by a onsite AI named ESSI , or Educational Systems and Security Interface . Classrooms aside from the obviously different standards of Fine Arts are equipped with desk interfaces that stream a miniaturized version of the smartboard lesson , and are detachable for greater ease of access . It 's cafeteria is outlined with the school 's colors of Red and Gold , bears fully stocked and functional kitchens , televisions that display local and school news , and a pristine view of a large open air courtyard along it 's perimeter that is used to hold dances , and separates the main school from the gym and sports facilities . It 's fine arts department is also notable , as aside from a Orchestra and Art hallway , Digital Media Room and Auditorium , it 's Drama organization is it 's pride and joy aside from it 's stellar football team , the James Duncan All Stars . Currently pacing before class starts within this room is a rather stressed Rosella Burdelon , who awaits the results of her audition for the role of Elphaba in the school 's first production of Wicked . Despite the relative irony of her role , Rose aims to do the best she can , though she is rudely reminded that competition brings out the best of the worst in people , as resident mean girl and former friend Madison Groves strolls in . Clad in a fashionable black nearly see - through blouse and semi short gold silk skirt , partnered with knee high black heeled boots , and full lengths of steely blond hair and piercing grey eyes , Madison 's model like attire grossly parallels that of Rose 's . " My concealer is Cle de Peau , Rosie . One bottle was probably worth more than your gypsy camp ! " Rose blinks at the insult , before simply shaking her head at the girl , muttering in french before replying . " One , I 'm French creole sweetheart , not that you have the brains to even spell the phrase . And two , I 'd slap you , but contracting herpes is not on my list of things to do today , Madison . " She states in a rather expert Boston Brahman accent nearly identical to Madison 's own , who opens her mouth to retort , but chooses silence as they move to their respective seats , as students file in , as does the teacher , ending the verbal war . RottenLuck Online Last seen : 52 sec ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 Stepping off the bus there Stepping off the bus there was little to tell that the teen aged Robert was a bit more then normal . Baggy jeans , sneakers , a white t shirt , blue hoodie , and black back pack . That was until you spot his back . The glow from the fiberoptics of his cybernetic spine shone through the fabric of the shirt , up to his bald head where it connects to the back of his skull with metallic spider like webbing of metal and faint blue nano cords seen under his skin . His viser connected to the metal band that ends at his ears and on his left arm he had a wearable computer gauntlet like device . He pulled up his hood over his head trying to hide his shaved condition . Without warning a crumbled up paper wad came flying and thought it was aimed for the back of his head he leaned to the left just in time to avoid being hit . He even caught it with his right hand and tossed it into the trash can he was passing . Just another morning at James Duncan High . Foradain Offline Last seen : 2 hours 54 min ago Joined : 10 / 25 / 2013 - 21 : 06 Toni Mercer didn 't have the Toni Mercer didn 't have the figure of either Rose or Maddie , but that was perfectly understandable . The clothing he usually wore could be thought of as " unisex " , and most of the people who realized he was male assumed he was gay . Not that he had a problem with people making that assumption , as long as they kept things civil . . . Toni smiled and nodded at Rosie as he found his own seat . From his pack he pulled out two sheets of music . Which one would he use for the audition ? Fortunately , being in the middle of the alphabet he had time to decide . He hoped he wouldn 't choose the same one Rose did ; he had gotten the role of Viola in Twelfth Night and didn 't find out until later that Rose had wanted it . Ah , well , at least she had beaten Maddie for Olivia . Which would she choose ? Elphaba was the lead role , but from what he 'd learned last week it was hitting the nail a bit squarely . Finally , he went with his gut instinct , and put " Popular " on top . If he guessed wrong , he had a fifty - fifty chance of being able to change it , depending on which end of the alphabet the auditions started on . . . Gladatoria Offline Last seen : 6 days 4 hours ago Joined : 09 / 08 / 2013 - 14 : 20 Rose smiles to Toni as he Rose smiles to Toni as he enters , but takes a moment to note his music choice , commenting quietly from her seat beside him . " Oh , I chose No Good Deed , but don 't let that stop you . " The statement would earn a scoff from Madison , who inquires incredulously . " And you think you can pull it off ? Last time I checked Elphaba wasn 't loaded with silicon . " She insults , earning quite a few ' ooohs ' from the rest of the classroom . Madison , not yet yielding , simply turns to switch targets , staring down Toni like a snake . " Oh give me a break fruit loops , at least she can carry half a note . " She hisses , adding . " But I suppose you have better taste in clothes . . . for your standards I suppose . " Any other comments she could have lobbed are effectively cut off when she makes an attempt to plop into her chair , instead hitting the carpet hard on her backside , but the chair didn 't seem to move . . . almost as if it phased through to those with otherwordly senses . " Toni , are you ready ? " She asks with a smile , gesturing to the open door before Rose comments . " Just remember to breathe and not to overcomplicate the piece , you 'll be fine ! " Foradain Offline Last seen : 2 hours 54 min ago Joined : 10 / 25 / 2013 - 21 : 06 In the auditorium , Toni In the auditorium , Toni passed the sheet music to the pianist . Unfortunately , Maddie wasn 't in the auditorium at the moment ; she 'd have made a perfect target for some of the innuendoes . On the other hand , best to keep it as intended . He sang the piece contralto ( well within his usable range ) , and did , he thought , fairly well . " Very nice Toni , and the dynamics were sound . I really can 't nitpick here . . . but I was wondering why not Fiyero ? What made you choose Popular ? " She inquires with her everpresent honeylike tone , making it clear that brief stardom didn 't change how she treated anyone , and she was generally interested . Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 The door suddenly busts open The door suddenly busts open and a simple " Sorry i 'm late , teacher . " Could be heard . The door opener stepped in and revealed to be Venomscale aka Damon Blake . He was a reptilian humanoid , with dark green scales covering his body , except the front where he had just horizontally striped though skin , colored tan . He also had a reptilian tail covered in scales . His hands and feet were clawed , and his eyes are red with black vertical stripe pupils . His head resembled a lizard much more than a human . He was wearing a sleeveless brown leather vest and blue jeans held in place by a black leather belt . He didn 't have any shoes due to his clawed feet . He walked to a chair to sit down and once he had gotten closer a small dent in his scales on the left shoulder could be seen , as if someone had attempted to stab him with a knife . Foradain Offline Last seen : 2 hours 54 min ago Joined : 10 / 25 / 2013 - 21 : 06 " Good question . After all , I " Good question . After all , I need to exercise the lower end of my range , as well . I suppose it was just the habit of going for a showier number . " Toni considered that possibility that Miss Hall was a mind reader . He couldn 't think of a good reason to dismiss the idea . . . Elsewhere , Miss Hall simply smiles as she replies . " Well I see no point in arguing your decision , and yes , for your information , I am a telepath . . that 's part of the reason I left Broadway . You couldn 't go an inch across that stage without hearing what everyone thought of you , no matter how good or grand your performance was . " She reveals in a subdued tone before adding with a wry smile . " But for now shall we keep that a secret , most staff members know it , but I would prefer to leave it a surprise to Miss Groves and the like . " She can 't suppress a sneer at the end of the sentence , showing that she clearly wasn 't fond of the venomous girl . Shaking her head , she states in her usual and kind tone . Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 Venomscale stopped lifting Venomscale stopped lifting and looked at the bully . " Your mouth is full of shit , i think you were in the sewer last night . " He replied , while clenching his hands into fists , careful not to scratch himself with his own claws . Foradain Offline Last seen : 2 hours 54 min ago Joined : 10 / 25 / 2013 - 21 : 06 Toni nodded . " That did seem Toni nodded . " That did seem implied , yes . And of course , I figure you 'll give me whichever role you think will make the better play , or teach us more , or maybe both ? " " All of the above , and I think I have just the part , though you 'll get your role tomorrow ; got to build up SOME suspense now . " She jokes , before leading him back to the Drama room , in which he is gently and kindly ambushed by a smiling Rose and a not so happy Madison , who 's presence feels icy to say the least . Madison speaks frist , much to Rose 's chargin , as Miss Hall takes the next student to the auditorium , though giving Toni a clear look and message : ' If she gets out of line , simply beep me . ' " So , assuming you didn 't flop the entire thing I suppose your my only competition . besides gypsy queen over here . . " She mocks , with emphasis on the word gypsy , as Rose simply flips Madison the bird whilst addressing Toni . " Excuse the dog , she hasn 't had the tact to be spayed yet . And I 'm sure you nailed it Toni . . . but don 't think this means I won 't try any less harder to show you up . " She smiles to him , a clear look of genuine friendship passed as she walks away , sitting promptly to look through her sheet music , examining notes for future improvement . Meanwhile , Madison simply glares him down as she challenges . " If you have any dignity left , I suggest dropping out of the play now . . . then again , it 'd be fun to traunce you both . Ciao , fruit loops . " She deadpans on the last statement , before sauntering over to her own flock to compare notes on their auditions . Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 Damon then said : " You are far Damon then said : " You are far too ignorant . And i 'm not sure you even know what ignorant means . " He then got down on all four and stood that way for a moment , but then hissed and leapt forward whit great speed to deliver a straight punch to Kyle 's nose . Note that Damon has super strength . Gladatoria Offline Last seen : 6 days 4 hours ago Joined : 09 / 08 / 2013 - 14 : 20 Kyle was sent several feet Kyle was sent several feet sprawling back by Damon 's sudden punch , a crunch heard as his nose is also promptly broken , blood streeaming down his face as Kyle struggles to get up against a weight rack , clutching his face . Any attempts for the boys to engage in round two is stunted by holographic figure of ESSI appearing before them . Modeled after the school 's principal Janet Ellis , a former heroine herself with the powers of kinetic field generation , it 's appearance is that of a stern looking woman with her hair in a tight bun , clad in a simple glowing business suit and skirt . " That is quite enough , Damon . Coach Wright please escort Mister Coleman to the Nurse 's office . " She commands , as the stiff man does so , urging the boy up angirly in response to his remarks , giving a curt if not slight nod of respect to Damon before exiting the room . " Since this is your first incident on school grounds , Miss Ellis has seen fit to provide you with only two sessions of after school detention , from 2 : 30 to 5 : 30 this afternoon and tomorrow . She also stated that she expects more from you given your academic performance . " With that statement , ESSI in a fold of blue , as other students staring at the scene give their differing reactions , mostly all smiles in Damon 's direction , save for the sneers of Kyle 's abandoned peers , who sulk off to the other side of the room leaderless for now . Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 " Totally worth it . " Damon " Totally worth it . " Damon said , then turned to continue his weightlifting , given that the class has not ended yet . RottenLuck Online Last seen : 52 sec ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 The moment the hologram The moment the hologram appeared Robert done the normal teenage boy behavior . " Wasn 't me . " Now that events were over he returned to his Jeet Kun Do practice striking a sand bag with quick fast minimal movement attacks . A perfect fighting style for someone with super fast reflexes , but wasn 't a speedster . " I think you broke his nose . He get lucky or did you pull your punch ? " Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 " Gossip is just gossip . I don " Gossip is just gossip . I don 't care . That punch pretty much came from everyone here except for his goons . " Xselcier Offline Last seen : 1 week 11 hours ago Joined : 08 / 26 / 2013 - 11 : 54 A voice from over at the A voice from over at the bench press where Damon had been joined the conversation . " A solid hit , Scales . A little brutish and unbalanced , but effective nonetheless . " The speaker was a short , stocky guy with pale skin , auburn hair , and ice - blue eyes . He smiled easily as he leaned on the bar of the bench press . " Me , I prefer a bit more subtlety in my approach to sending a message . Check the goon squad over there . " he said , indicating Kyle 's posse sulking by the leg press . At the corner of Robert and Damon 's eyes , the red - haired young man would seem to flicker briefly . Then Kyle 's goons were hollering and tripping over themselves as they 'd all been pantsed and their shoelaces had been tied together . The short guy smiled again and walked over to Damon and Robert . " How ya doin ' ? I 'm Andy Donovan . " - Putting yourself in another persons shoes emotionally is something that everyone has to experience eventually . It 's part of learning to be a human being . Roleplayers do it for fun . Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 Damon paused the Damon paused the weightlifting to look at Kyle 's goons as they start tripping . " Impressive speed . I 'm Damon Blake . " He released his right hand from the weights to give Andy a handshake , careful not to injure him with his clawed hand . " Doing good , but i feel like i 'm lifting wooden sticks here . " He said . Andy would notice that Damon has no trouble at all holding the maxed out weight bar with one hand . Xselcier Offline Last seen : 1 week 11 hours ago Joined : 08 / 26 / 2013 - 11 : 54 " Oh , it 's not speed , persay . " Oh , it 's not speed , persay . Watch the clock there . " he said , pointing at the wall . The clock 's second hand ticked to : 55 , then it took five seconds to tick from : 55 to : 56 . After that , it progressed from : 56 to : 01 almost instantly . Andy grinned and leaned back on his arms . - Putting yourself in another persons shoes emotionally is something that everyone has to experience eventually . It 's part of learning to be a human being . Roleplayers do it for fun . Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 " Time manipulation , then . " Time manipulation , then . Still impressive . " He said as he watched the clock . Foradain Offline Last seen : 2 hours 54 min ago Joined : 10 / 25 / 2013 - 21 : 06 Toni smiled at both girls , Toni smiled at both girls , though if she were perceptive Maddie might have noticed the one directed at her was a bit fake . " Of course I didn 't flop . And I expect nothing less than your best from either of you . " Looking at Maddie , his smile faded as he added , " For whatever your best is worth . " In fact , if there were three things that landed him the stage management job for the school play , they were the fact that he was always early , the fact that he almost never talks unless he has to , and the fact that he has a free period first thing Tuesday Morning . To be fair , however , as Connor tapped his pencil against his clipboard while waiting for further instruction from the play 's director , his sunken eyes began to drift away , staring off into space as he thought of all the wonderful dreams that he could be having at that hour . After all , it wasn 't his fault that he could see ghosts , and it was even less of his fault to consider that they have the tendency to keep people up at night . Sure , every once in a while you get something interesting from a few of them ( a group of Union soldiers that once wandered through the walls of his bedroom gave him enough information to pass his Civil War test a few months ago ) , but more often than not , there 's a lot of noise , as if there were about six times as many people out on the streets at night than there should be . Connor pulled himself back to reality for a few moments as he realized that the director 's lips were moving again . He instinctively grabbed the paper coffee - cup next to him , nearly spilling it as he took a haphazard sip , and immediately begin scribbling on the paper attached to the clipboard . " . . . Sorry . Say that again ? " blue5150 Offline Last seen : 5 months 2 weeks ago Joined : 04 / 29 / 2014 - 12 : 43 The 72 classic olds 442 The 72 classic olds 442 pulled into the student parking . It wasn 't the prettiest looking car , it had a few dents and was a dull flat grey color . However the engine purred with perfection . Keith had spent countless hours restoring it . All he needed to do was finish the body work . He left the convertible top down and hopped out . He walked up to the school and opened the door . Her wore his school jacket with pride . He was a co captain of the hockey team and captain of the baseball team . " Mr Gateman , if you are done we still need those costumes rolled in from the drama room , Miss Hall left a key near your cup . And also , I 'd be sure to wipe away the coffee mustache before heading there . " He smiles as he notes , moving to the other wide of the stage before adding . " And please inform Miss Groves , Miss Burdelon and Mister Mercer that Miss Hall would like them to stay after school , same as you for dress rehearsal . " " If I didn 't know any better , I think she sees you as a threat . . . relish in that for a moment . And also , calm down . . . excessive studying is just going to tire you out for the rehearsal , whatever you get is whatever you get , mon ami . " She states softly . Stalker Offline Last seen : 1 day 8 hours ago Joined : 05 / 21 / 2014 - 20 : 28 The Jock King would find his The Jock King would find his way into the nurse 's office , feeling a pulse of empathy almost immediately . In front of the red - mohawked menace was a scrawny boy sitting in a chair , turned towards the nurse with his hands folded in his lap and his leg pumping a hundred times per minute . He was nervous . . . He wore a basic Zipper Hoodie , navy blue , and tan cargo pants with simple , mid - price - range sneakers . He was one of those students who the Jock had never given a second thought to . The Nurse herself was reading over the paper in her hands : a doctor 's note , and also spoke with a man over the phone . Presumably the Doctor . " Yes I understand that he 's a special case . He seems to have the opposite effect . . . " The student in front of the nurse turned to see Kyle and offered him a couple paper towels to deal with the bleeding on his face . A good few drips had already reached his shirt and stained in ugly patterns with the already - existing sweat stains . The scrawny boy avoided saying anything , afraid he might pull on the wrong emotional chord and get himself in trouble with the populars . Kyle gave one of those cocky upward head nobs of ' thanks kid ' that the upper crust liked to do . The only reason he even fit in , this smaller teen , was because his powers were never out . The larger jock dabbed the blood from his face , careful to avoid touching his nose to make it hurt . He gave the outward tough - guy expression , even though he was in pain . Finally the Nurse hung up the phone and signed the document . " Okay Vincent . Now , I 'm approving your medication , but I need you to take this form to the principal . I 've signed it , so she knows it has my okay . " The teacher handed the paper and an unmarked flask to the boy , as well as a measuring cup that often came with cough syrup . Kyle gave an odd look to the nurse . Was he just given booze as medication ? " Remember Vincent , you 're only supposed to take 2 ounces at most , every 8 hours . A little bit during lunch , and you should be good until you get home . A little bit when you wake up , and a little bit before you go to bed . . . " The Nurse let out a sigh and shook her head . " I still find it hard to believe that you need to take CHASER of all things to stay like that . " Vincent winced at the word she used . Chaser was an unfortunate necessity to keep his power in check . If he didn 't take it , the likely scenario was that he 'd start heating up until everything around him starting bursting into flame . Vince nodded and gave a small " thanks . . . " before scurrying out the door . He hurried down to the principle 's office to relay the newly signed note . blue5150 Offline Last seen : 5 months 2 weeks ago Joined : 04 / 29 / 2014 - 12 : 43 As he entered the school he 'd As he entered the school he 'd be greeted by everyone . " what 's up man " another jock would say as he passed . " Hi Keith " a couple of girls would flirtatiously chime . Other popular kids would just hold thier fist out and nod as Keith fist bumped and returned the subtle nod . He was popular and charming . Even the teachers liked him . Always on time with assignments and didn 't even have to struggle to keep his 4 . 0 . Smart , handsome , charming , popular , and athletic . All should have been perfect in his world . It wasn 't . He 'd been sent to this school when his parents lost custody . He never talked about it . He was just gład his aunt welcomed him with open arms . He was different , but never let on . Her being different as well made it all easier to understand . As he walked up to his locker he passed the auditorium . Someone was singing , she sounded good he noted . Then he passed the gym where he spent alot of time . When he got to his locker he opened it up and placed a few books in it . Then he heard the locker next to him start to talk . " Little help here " a soft and almost nerdy voice said . Keith smiled , but tried to hide it as he opened the other locker . A short and skinny underclasman spilled out onto the floor . Pens and books and loose change scattering . " heya mort " . Keith said as he helped the much smaller guy up . " thanks Keith " mort replied . " I 'm glad you 're not like those other jerks . " who was it this time ? " Keith asked . " Steve and his crew " mort answered . " oh andthey took my lunch money " . Mort said frantically searching his pockets . " don 't worry , find me then and ill treat . " Keith said offering mort one of his granola bars . Mort took it as the bell wrang . " Oh no ! ! ! I can 't be late to thus class . " he quickly gathered some loose papers then turned to rush to class . He quickly turned back as Keith handed him the textbook he needed . He just looked at Keith , shook his head and took of down the hall . " we 'll Monica 's parents are in Fiji soooo . House party there ok ? " she turned and walked away looking back at Keith as he headed to class . " I 'll let you know " he said hustling by her trying not to be late . He then got to the door and walked in . He sat up front and took out his book . This was his favorite class . History Wipe away coffee mustache . He blinked , wiped his lip , crossed the instruction out , and nodded sleepily . " Alright Mister Theroux , " he said somewhat sleepily , before getting up and heading to the door . He paused , hand halfway to the doorknob , and stood there for a brief moment as he debated using the Sparklock Spell to make things easier . He eventually decided against it with a sigh ; as nice as convenience was , keeping a good secret was more important . He opened the door to the hallway , stepping out and making a beeline to the costume shop . It was a short trip , considering the school 's layout , but when he arrived , the costume crew itself seemed abscent . " Oh right . First period class , " he muttered to himself , flipping to an empty piece of paper and scrawling a note before placing it atop a rumpled costume . He exited , closing the door behind him quietly . Next , the auditioners . Hopefully nobody would bother him on the way over . RottenLuck Online Last seen : 52 sec ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 " Wow time manipulation . That " Wow time manipulation . That 's kind of rare isn 't it . Me technically I 'm a normal kid , just I have this . " He pulled up the back of his shirt and showed off the cybernetic spine . " A successful failure . It repaired the damage to my back was only supposed to be three vertebrae but it kept growing replacing my entire spine now it going into my skull and taking over my entire nervous system . Even my sensory nerves are being replaced I used to need glasses when I was a kid now my eyesight better than normal . So much so I almost have a six sense . " He took a step back from the punching back and activated his overclocking abilities his spine lit up as the artificial nerves went into high speed . Then the delivered about ten punches to the punching bag in the same spot in about 4 seconds so he was pulling about 2 and half punches per second . Then it was over and the spine went dim as he caught his breath " Not quite super speed , but getting there , and I can only do it in short bursts . " " So , Connor , right ? " She smiles , and he would note she didn 't have to fish for his name like other students would if they didn 't know him , she clearly paid attention . She then adds with a smirk . Stalker Offline Last seen : 1 day 8 hours ago Joined : 05 / 21 / 2014 - 20 : 28 Finally Vince made it to the Finally Vince made it to the Principle 's office . Eyes were watching the halls , so he made the subtle move of simply placing the signed piece of paper int he Principle 's in - mailbox . He 'd been excused from first period class to take care of this , so He 'd have to catch the second period class session to start his day and meet anyone really . Until then . . . He decided to just chill in the cafeteria playing a little bit of Clicky Cape and snacking on twizzlers . The table he picked was off to a corner , his back to a wall and such . He wore a pair of normal earphones ; a cheap , 2 dollar , over the ear folding pair . Nerdy sound tracks played while he mindlessly flew his clicky cape hero between buildings to try to beat his highscore . RottenLuck Online Last seen : 52 sec ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 " Well go ask the coach to use " Well go ask the coach to use the Danger Room . Were supposed to learn to control our abilities here that why we have a state of the art gym . Think you can even set the gravity in those rooms to higher than earth normal . Thought I don 't know personally haven 't used them . " Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 " Danger zone , huh ? " Damon " Danger room , huh ? " Damon said , thought for a moment , then added : " Not a bad idea . " Damon walked over to the coach and asked : " May I use the danger room ? " then quickly added : " This gym is useless for me , i 'm lifting wooden sticks here at the maximum weight on the weight bar . " Gideon Cross Offline Last seen : 2 days 19 hours ago Joined : 08 / 30 / 2013 - 19 : 04 Shepherd had entered the Shepherd had entered the school a he was being given a tour of the facilities . He had been planning on tutoring after seeing Toni and Rose in action . They peaked his interest in the fight . He figured if he could help them and others learn to control their powers more it would be a good way for him to keep busy on the days he wasn 't in the TCPD . " The weapons and obstacles that are erected will not kill you , but adapt to your limits . However , if at any time this gets too much , call out to ESSI , she is monitoring the room as we speak . " With that , he escorts the nonpowered boys out of the now Danger Room , before shouting as he leaves . Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 " Now this is more like it . " " Now this is more like it . " Damon said , then walked over to a one ton car . " Can you set these up with chains so it 's more comfortable to lift these ? It 's not like the car will lose any weight . " D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 1 week ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 Connor raises an eyebrow , and Connor raises an eyebrow , and begins pulling the rack out and into the next room . " . . . Right , " he says after a moment , looking at Rose with a furrowed brow . Something felt . . . Odd . " I 've seen you around school , passed you on the stage . " She then added as they rolled the rack down the hallway . " What ; d you THINK I meant ? " She asks with a smile . He shakes his head again , doing his best to avoid eye contact with the janitor that had passed away several months ago , before deciding to change the subject . " . . . So you 're Rose , right ? I 'm supposed to tell you to stay afterwards for your first rehearsal . " Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 " Incredible . " Damon said , " Incredible . " Damon said , then grabbing the chain to a one ton car with both hands and pulling it down , lifting the car upwards . He had no problem lifting it , but it was obvious he was putting in more effort than with the weights previously . After lifting the car a few times he decided to go to a two ton car , grabbing the chain and pulling it . He managed to lift this one as well and continued to lift it up and down for a moment , then moved on to a three ton car . He grabbed the chain and pulled it , able to lift this one as well , but lifted and lowered it only one time . He went on to a five ton car and grabbed the chain , pulling it downwards . He was able to lift it , but required more effort . He decided to stick with five tons for now , lifting it up and down . " He looks sad . . . I don 't think he was respected very well before he died , so at the very least we can try now . " With that said , she moves to pick up several items of trash left by careless students and depositing it in a wastebin . Turning back to Connor with a smile , she replies , probably answering his question . RottenLuck Online Last seen : 52 sec ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 In the seats watching the In the seats watching the stage was the wayward spirit Misty Sinclair . She didn 't expect anyone to notice her she was relaxed and wasn 't making herself material . Those who could see her would see she had her feet propped up on the seat and would be revealing given she has a very short leather skirt on . Dressed like a Goth girl her outfit was once black now she 's dead it comes out a gray variation . If someone really focus on her arms they were see fant puncture marks for needles . She was also being annoying though she believed no one could hear her making cat calls and insulting those on stage . " What is this a Elementary school production ? I seen better at a kindergarten show ! " At the Gym Robert went to the sparing dummies . The ones if you hit one arm the other spins around to hit you . It was great practice learning how to attack and switch to blocking fast . The harder you hit the faster you have to block . Just what he needed to work on . D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 1 week ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 Connor sighs . " . . . I had a Connor sighs . " . . . I had a feeling that 's what you meant , " he says , looking back at the janitor . " I 've been having regular conversations with that guy from the day he died . Considering nobody talked to him anyway , I wonder if he even knows he 's dead . " He looks back at Rose . " Connor Gateman , current Wicket Door , if that makes any sense to you . " RottenLuck Online Last seen : 52 sec ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 " Oh my ! It 's freaky when " Oh my ! It 's freaky when people notice me like that ! What the matter deary can 't take a little criticism . " She laughed " Besides I hate scaring kids I may be a pain , but I 'm not a monster . " She then sticks her tongue out at Rose " Go right ahead make yourself look foolish no one else can see me . . . . wait can anyone else see me ? " She stands up and turns around bending over flashing Rose " I was so sure I was invisible to live folk . " D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 1 week ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 " We can all see you . Best " We can all see you . Best Ghost Ever , ten out of ten , " Connor said passively as he attended to the costume rack . Hopefully two people would be enough to pull off the bluff . Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 Damon stopped lifting the Damon stopped lifting the five ton car and turned to the exit . On his way out he noticed Dennis lifting up ten tons without problem . " Enough for me today , I 've got other classes to catch . " He said to the coach before leaving the danger room . " Rosella Burdelon , latest with in the Burdelon line and voodoo priestess when it suits me . And don 't worry , they are too engrossed in the script to noticed . . . and no I mean like moreso than the rest of us , it 's kinda creepy . " She points to the circle of students backstage , eyeing the script like it 's a godsend . Leaving the rack near the left curtain , she turns to lead Connor near Misty so it appears like a regular conversation . . . mostly . D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 1 week ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 " Job summary , Death 's " Job summary , Death 's Paperboy , " he says in complete deadpan , rolling his eyes slightly before lowering his voice , " when people die , I 'm the doorman and the welcoming committee . When someone starts going on a murderous rampage , it 's my job to , you know , stop . . . That , " he says , waving vaguely . " Fun job . Wonderful benefits . " RottenLuck Online Last seen : 52 sec ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 " Don 't worry about little old " Don 't worry about little old me . I even saved your lives . . . well okay I just fought a battle with some creepy demon things . Just it so BOOORING being dead . " She looked to the group of students with the scrips . Being closer they could guess her age was about 19 or 20 . She rose up and flew over to them and yanked the scrip out of one of the students hands . He blinked and looked to the script " Seems I have a case of butter fingers . " He reached down to pick it up as Misty returned to her seat . D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 1 week ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 Connor shrugs , towing the Connor shrugs , towing the clothing rack to where it had to be . " You 'll figure it out , " he said with a sigh as he checked his clipboard for a moment , " or . . . Something . " He looks up , then turns a page on his board over . Near the wall of the danger room , Alicia Crane sits by herself , rreading a book . Considering she isn 't watching the jocks do their thing , nor doing anything herself , it seems odd that she would pick a training room as a place to sit , let alone read . Every once in a while , the other students cast glances in her direction , none of them seeming all that favorable . RottenLuck Online Last seen : 52 sec ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 Gym was about over for Robert Gym was about over for Robert so he ended his practice and went for the locker room to change . Removing his shirt before he fully went in his body wasn 't buffed it was a lean build more for speed then power . Right before he reached the locker room his back flared and he stumbled bracing himself against the wall as the power surge raced along his artificial nerves . He knew what it meant , somewhere in his body new nanites were taking over extending the network and augmenting more of his natural body . He stumiched down the fear . . how long till he was technically a machine ? " I told the witch doctor I was in love with you . And then the witch doctor , he told me what to do . He said that . . . . Ooo eee , ooo ah ah ting tang Walla walla , bing bang Ooo eee , ooo ah ah ting tang Walla walla , bing bang . . . " She laughed . " I want everyone here after school for the first rehearsal , including you Mister Gateman ! " He adds before stepping out himself to head backstage . Rose turns back to Connor with a smile . " We can take care of it after school , and don 't worry , secret 's safe with me . " With that said , she heads to her locker to retrieve her American History textbook , hoping that her next class would be mostly uneventful . RottenLuck Online Last seen : 52 sec ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 " Don 't worry about me cutie . " Don 't worry about me cutie . Who am I going to tell ? The Janitor ? " Misty said now that the auditions were over there wasn 't really anything to pick on so she drifted up in the air and floated for the doors . " Do they still shower after Gym class ? " Gladatoria Offline Last seen : 6 days 4 hours ago Joined : 09 / 08 / 2013 - 14 : 20 Rosella , almost on a second Rosella , almost on a second thought , realized that one , she was so out of it she didn 't realize she had a free period , and that History was not until third . Placing the book sheepishly back in her locker , she returned to the Auditorium to find it mostly empty save for Toni , Connor , and Misty . Entering quietly , she decided to rarely and openly practice her abilities , willing herself to invisibility as she travels to her friend 's position . Seating herself right beside Misty , she allows herself to return to visibility in a emerald haze , sitting crosslegged like she had been there the entire time . Foradain Offline Last seen : 2 hours 54 min ago Joined : 10 / 25 / 2013 - 21 : 06 Toni noticed Rose talking to Toni noticed Rose talking to thin air , so he concentrated on a spell Setzer had taught him . It let him see Misty , vaguely , and hear her . But she was leaving , so he didn 't worry about her . He noticed Shepherd being given a tour , and Connor checking his notepad . " What 's up , Connor ? Caught the acting bug ? " RottenLuck Online Last seen : 52 sec ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 Misty stopped spotting Misty stopped spotting Shepherd " Hey I know that guy . " Makes a face " Really what 's the point of being invisible and unnoticed if like half the people in the room can see and hear you ! That 's like cheating ! " D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 1 week ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 Connor looks up for a moment , Connor looks up for a moment , shakes his head , then looks back down at the clipboard . " I 'm stage managing . Not acting , " he says plainly , flipping another page over before looking up . " Wait , you 're not part of the cast , are you ? " Foradain Offline Last seen : 2 hours 54 min ago Joined : 10 / 25 / 2013 - 21 : 06 " Anthony Mercer . " It " Anthony Mercer . " It probably wasn 't down as Toni . . . Stalker Offline Last seen : 1 day 8 hours ago Joined : 05 / 21 / 2014 - 20 : 28 Finally , second period was Finally , second period was starting up . Anything was better than sitting alone in the cafeteria for the past hour or so . Well . . . Technically speaking , some huge guy had come through , but he seemed more content to just eat on his own than to chit - chat . Either way , Vince closed down his game of Clicky Cape and stashed his headphones and made his way to class . He stopped by his locker to pick out his book for the class and seemed to linger a minute longer than he needed to , letting out a sigh . He didn 't know anybody here . Not really . He 'd been transferred in just today , so what point was there to try very hard right away ? He pressed his forehead against the cool aluminum shelf in the middle of his locker and shut his eyes for a second . Just taking in the sounds and the hustle - bustle of the students talking between classes . He noted the social groups all around him . The geekier kids who focused on studies . The nerdier kids who cared more for different media . The sports kids and drama kids , and then there were the odd ones out . The supers . They were Pariah 's and idols at the same time . Something to be jealous of , but also fearful of . . . Where did he actually belong then ? Finally , he clicked his door shut and gave the dial a careless spin . Some students lodged paperclips into their lockers to make it easier to open later , but Vince certainly didn 't trust this peer - group right now . Finally he made his way to his sciences class . He walked in with the stragglers , taking a seat near the back , and closer to the window . A good place to not be noticed . He liked the subject . Science . It seemed to hold secrets to unlock the universe , though the current class was much more simple . Chemistry at least meant he 'd be forced into pairing up with another student at some point . He 'd try to make friends then . . . That is , unless the teacher made him introduce himself first . Xselcier Offline Last seen : 1 week 11 hours ago Joined : 08 / 26 / 2013 - 11 : 54 " Mr . Cain ! What have I told " Mr . Cain ! What have I told you about defacing private property ? " said a harsh Arabic voice from behind Dennis as all the snacks he 'd taken from the machine left his arms and pockets . The orderly line of bagged chips and candy bars floated back to the machine , slotting themselves back in to the springs . As they did this , the man speaking walked around in front of Dennis . It was Mr . Al - Zawari , Biochemistry teacher and resident telekinetic . - Putting yourself in another persons shoes emotionally is something that everyone has to experience eventually . It 's part of learning to be a human being . Roleplayers do it for fun . D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 1 week ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 Connor looks up again , his Connor looks up again , his brow furrowed at Rose 's odd choice of words . " Am I alright what ? " He says , looking back down at his clipboard for a moment before looking back up at her . He then looks to Toni , and after scanning his pages for the ' alternative ' name that he had offered , gave a nod of approval before adding a small checkmark to the side with his pencil . " I 'm uh . . . I 'm fine , I 'm fine . Just concentrating . Mostly . " Xselcier Offline Last seen : 1 week 11 hours ago Joined : 08 / 26 / 2013 - 11 : 54 " Thank you for your input , Ms " Thank you for your input , Ms . Crane . But Mr . Cain has been warned about this infraction before . " Mr . Al - Zawari said , looking over at the quiet girl and nodding . - Putting yourself in another persons shoes emotionally is something that everyone has to experience eventually . It 's part of learning to be a human being . Roleplayers do it for fun . RottenLuck Online Last seen : 52 sec ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 Misty laughed " Oh well I 'm Misty laughed " Oh well I 'm sure if this was my only haunting ground I could think of some ways to entertain myself . Luckily it seems I 'm bound to Titan City itself and can go anywhere in it 's limits . Right now I 'm going to scout around . Perhaps a group who aren 't composed of Mediums . After all what else is a Poltergeist to do then cause mischief ! " Then Misty flew through the wall laughing . Robert ran into science class just as the bell rang and settled down at a table noting a new kid in class . He reached over to offer a handshake to Vince . " Hey , I 'm Robert Tanner nice to meet you . " Unknown to Robert his eyes were now silvery the modifications the nanites made were to his very eyes . " Mr Al - Zawari is right , you have been warned about this larceny before Mr . Cain . As such , three days of after school detention starting today , and you must work to help repair the machine you so haphazardly destroyed , the right way . " The holographic figure then turns to Alicia , as she states further . " Miss Crane , Principal Ellis would like to speak with you during 6th period . Her room is opposite the library , A104 . " With that , she fades away in a blue haze . D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 1 week ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 " Uh huh , " Connor says in " Uh huh , " Connor says in response to Rose 's explanation , apparently not seeming to think it was all that strange despite his original reaction . He watches Toni carefully as he peeks at the clipboard . . . But there are no roles there . All that 's listed is a hand - written attendance sheet . " If you 're looking for something specific , you should try asking Miss Hall , she 's the director , " Connor says , flipping to another page before checking over another list of handwritten notes , " all that Mister Theroux and I have are technical notes and things that have to get done , " he says with a shrug . Foradain Offline Last seen : 2 hours 54 min ago Joined : 10 / 25 / 2013 - 21 : 06 " Yeap , she 's bilingual . Me , " Yeap , she 's bilingual . Me , I have to study French , in about three minutes . Guess I 'll be seeing you later , Rose ! " Toni headed off to his French class . " I imagine you also have a free period as well ? And out of curiosity , are you alright ? " She looks him over with a pair of piercing emerald eyes , and her tone makes it clear she actually , genuinely cares . D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 1 week ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 " Stage managers skip class " Stage managers skip class during tech periods because we have things to do , " Connor says , looking up at her for a few moments . He frowned a bit , seeming a bit puzzled as to why she was staring at him , but ultimately didn 't seem too disturbed by it . After a few more seconds of checking things off , he walked over to a nearby chair , sitting down and tucking his pencil into the clip on his clipboard with a sigh . " Yeah . I 'm fine . Just tired , " he says after reclining a bit . " Sleeping trouble . " Alicia nods politely , looking to ESSI for a moment more in acknowledgement . " Yes ma ' am . I 'll head over right away . " Seemingly , she meant it , immediately making her way along the same route that Dennis had taken a few moments earlier , passing by his locker on the way to the principle 's office . She takes a deep breath upon reaching the door , then slowly , carefully reaches up and gives the door two knocks . Despite the delicacy of the moment , they still come off as quite loud . At the very least however , it wasn 't door - shattering . " So many people in this city , you must be overworked ferrying them to the afterlife . " Deduces , before inquiring . " Do you enjoy being the Wicket Door ? " " Since I imagine ESSI informed you of our reason for meeting , I 'll be frank . In the heat of the unnessecary fanfare against your enrollment here , my colleagues neglected to ask how you personally feel about the parameters in place , and arranging your classes for your safety and comfort as well as other students . So in short : what is your stance in the matter and how would you like to modify your status , Alicia ? " She then offers a disarming smile , and a hand to shake , the other occupied with manifesting a cobalt force field the size of a plate , and maneuvering a pot of green tea and two china teacups to the coffee table before them both . D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 1 week ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 Connor shrugs , rubbing his Connor shrugs , rubbing his eyes for a brief moment afterwards . " Depends . Sometimes it 's sort - of annoying . Other times , you get a decent amount of satisfaction knowing that you 're helping people finally find peace , " he says with a shrug , " especially since there isn 't really much to be found around here , at least most of the time , " he adds under his breath . He turns , looking up to where the ghost had been a few moments before , and after failing to see her there , instead sighs and turns his gaze to the lighting fixtures above the stage . " Though I suppose it could be worse . I haven 't run into any Reapers just yet . " Alicia shakes the principle 's hand and takes a seat , but offers nothing in return other than the slightest of smiles . She sits almost stoically , with her hands in her lap , and her back straight , the power lines on her bracers and the central power note on her belt glowing softly , along with her white eyes . " . . . I 'm not sure I follow , " she says after a moment of silence , " if by my status , you mean my class lineup , then I think it would be best to keep the safety of others as a top concern , " she says , her voice somewhat emotionless . At least outwardly , it 's a bit difficult to tell how she truly feels about her current situation . Stalker Offline Last seen : 1 day 8 hours ago Joined : 05 / 21 / 2014 - 20 : 28 Vince looked up at the Vince looked up at the partially nanite 'd teen with a slight bewilderment . Piercing metallic eyes looked back down at him , but they weren 't judging for the moment . Rather , it was the eyes of the normal students that seemed to be judging the two at the moment . Had he managed to not be noticed by the others that easily ? - - " Vince . " He replied abruptly , shaking the hand with a quick grip and a single up and down motion . " - - transfered in today . " he added , shifting an arm to cover a doodle on his binder . It was just one of those . . . S things . You know , the really geometric things that show up on at least half a dozen binders during school . Yeah , you know . . . The S - thing ! http : / / i . imgur . com / U9IsW . jpg It wasn 't an important detail really , though the freehand lines came out decent , and he 'd used pen only , so that meant he could probably draw alright ? Who knew . Besides that one doodle , the binder looked clean .
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Gladatoria Offline Last seen : 4 days 4 hours ago Joined : 09 / 08 / 2013 - 14 : 20 James Duncan High Open RP Nestled within the district of Old Braford , James Duncan High is a relatively new educational institution founded in 2012 , but it 's worth can 't be counted in years , but it 's purpose and facets . Named after the famed and fallen hero American Star , James Duncan High functions a revolutionary magnet school , it 's stellar curriculum catering to the needs of two populations : nonpowered and powered students . It 's facilities carry a old - world traditional sense of architecture meshed with cutting edge technology and alluring and smart decor , such as a holographic display above the dual sets of fountains near the front of the building bearing the various deeds of heroes throughout the day within the news . It 's overall structure is a initial brickwork outlined by solid titanium plating , mixed with other alloys often provided by scientific heroes as it faces reconstruction . Walking though the halls , a student would be introduced to the necessary locations within the school grounds by a onsite AI named ESSI , or Educational Systems and Security Interface . Classrooms aside from the obviously different standards of Fine Arts are equipped with desk interfaces that stream a miniaturized version of the smartboard lesson , and are detachable for greater ease of access . It 's cafeteria is outlined with the school 's colors of Red and Gold , bears fully stocked and functional kitchens , televisions that display local and school news , and a pristine view of a large open air courtyard along it 's perimeter that is used to hold dances , and separates the main school from the gym and sports facilities . It 's fine arts department is also notable , as aside from a Orchestra and Art hallway , Digital Media Room and Auditorium , it 's Drama organization is it 's pride and joy aside from it 's stellar football team , the James Duncan All Stars . Currently pacing before class starts within this room is a rather stressed Rosella Burdelon , who awaits the results of her audition for the role of Elphaba in the school 's first production of Wicked . Despite the relative irony of her role , Rose aims to do the best she can , though she is rudely reminded that competition brings out the best of the worst in people , as resident mean girl and former friend Madison Groves strolls in . Clad in a fashionable black nearly see - through blouse and semi short gold silk skirt , partnered with knee high black heeled boots , and full lengths of steely blond hair and piercing grey eyes , Madison 's model like attire grossly parallels that of Rose 's . " My concealer is Cle de Peau , Rosie . One bottle was probably worth more than your gypsy camp ! " Rose blinks at the insult , before simply shaking her head at the girl , muttering in french before replying . " One , I 'm French creole sweetheart , not that you have the brains to even spell the phrase . And two , I 'd slap you , but contracting herpes is not on my list of things to do today , Madison . " She states in a rather expert Boston Brahman accent nearly identical to Madison 's own , who opens her mouth to retort , but chooses silence as they move to their respective seats , as students file in , as does the teacher , ending the verbal war . RottenLuck Offline Last seen : 2 hours 3 min ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 Stepping off the bus there Stepping off the bus there was little to tell that the teen aged Robert was a bit more then normal . Baggy jeans , sneakers , a white t shirt , blue hoodie , and black back pack . That was until you spot his back . The glow from the fiberoptics of his cybernetic spine shone through the fabric of the shirt , up to his bald head where it connects to the back of his skull with metallic spider like webbing of metal and faint blue nano cords seen under his skin . His viser connected to the metal band that ends at his ears and on his left arm he had a wearable computer gauntlet like device . He pulled up his hood over his head trying to hide his shaved condition . Without warning a crumbled up paper wad came flying and thought it was aimed for the back of his head he leaned to the left just in time to avoid being hit . He even caught it with his right hand and tossed it into the trash can he was passing . Just another morning at James Duncan High . Foradain Offline Last seen : 2 hours 11 min ago Joined : 10 / 25 / 2013 - 21 : 06 Toni Mercer didn 't have the Toni Mercer didn 't have the figure of either Rose or Maddie , but that was perfectly understandable . The clothing he usually wore could be thought of as " unisex " , and most of the people who realized he was male assumed he was gay . Not that he had a problem with people making that assumption , as long as they kept things civil . . . Toni smiled and nodded at Rosie as he found his own seat . From his pack he pulled out two sheets of music . Which one would he use for the audition ? Fortunately , being in the middle of the alphabet he had time to decide . He hoped he wouldn 't choose the same one Rose did ; he had gotten the role of Viola in Twelfth Night and didn 't find out until later that Rose had wanted it . Ah , well , at least she had beaten Maddie for Olivia . Which would she choose ? Elphaba was the lead role , but from what he 'd learned last week it was hitting the nail a bit squarely . Finally , he went with his gut instinct , and put " Popular " on top . If he guessed wrong , he had a fifty - fifty chance of being able to change it , depending on which end of the alphabet the auditions started on . . . Gladatoria Offline Last seen : 4 days 4 hours ago Joined : 09 / 08 / 2013 - 14 : 20 Rose smiles to Toni as he Rose smiles to Toni as he enters , but takes a moment to note his music choice , commenting quietly from her seat beside him . " Oh , I chose No Good Deed , but don 't let that stop you . " The statement would earn a scoff from Madison , who inquires incredulously . " And you think you can pull it off ? Last time I checked Elphaba wasn 't loaded with silicon . " She insults , earning quite a few ' ooohs ' from the rest of the classroom . Madison , not yet yielding , simply turns to switch targets , staring down Toni like a snake . " Oh give me a break fruit loops , at least she can carry half a note . " She hisses , adding . " But I suppose you have better taste in clothes . . . for your standards I suppose . " Any other comments she could have lobbed are effectively cut off when she makes an attempt to plop into her chair , instead hitting the carpet hard on her backside , but the chair didn 't seem to move . . . almost as if it phased through to those with otherwordly senses . " Toni , are you ready ? " She asks with a smile , gesturing to the open door before Rose comments . " Just remember to breathe and not to overcomplicate the piece , you 'll be fine ! " Foradain Offline Last seen : 2 hours 11 min ago Joined : 10 / 25 / 2013 - 21 : 06 In the auditorium , Toni In the auditorium , Toni passed the sheet music to the pianist . Unfortunately , Maddie wasn 't in the auditorium at the moment ; she 'd have made a perfect target for some of the innuendoes . On the other hand , best to keep it as intended . He sang the piece contralto ( well within his usable range ) , and did , he thought , fairly well . " Very nice Toni , and the dynamics were sound . I really can 't nitpick here . . . but I was wondering why not Fiyero ? What made you choose Popular ? " She inquires with her everpresent honeylike tone , making it clear that brief stardom didn 't change how she treated anyone , and she was generally interested . Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 The door suddenly busts open The door suddenly busts open and a simple " Sorry i 'm late , teacher . " Could be heard . The door opener stepped in and revealed to be Venomscale aka Damon Blake . He was a reptilian humanoid , with dark green scales covering his body , except the front where he had just horizontally striped though skin , colored tan . He also had a reptilian tail covered in scales . His hands and feet were clawed , and his eyes are red with black vertical stripe pupils . His head resembled a lizard much more than a human . He was wearing a sleeveless brown leather vest and blue jeans held in place by a black leather belt . He didn 't have any shoes due to his clawed feet . He walked to a chair to sit down and once he had gotten closer a small dent in his scales on the left shoulder could be seen , as if someone had attempted to stab him with a knife . Foradain Offline Last seen : 2 hours 11 min ago Joined : 10 / 25 / 2013 - 21 : 06 " Good question . After all , I " Good question . After all , I need to exercise the lower end of my range , as well . I suppose it was just the habit of going for a showier number . " Toni considered that possibility that Miss Hall was a mind reader . He couldn 't think of a good reason to dismiss the idea . . . Elsewhere , Miss Hall simply smiles as she replies . " Well I see no point in arguing your decision , and yes , for your information , I am a telepath . . that 's part of the reason I left Broadway . You couldn 't go an inch across that stage without hearing what everyone thought of you , no matter how good or grand your performance was . " She reveals in a subdued tone before adding with a wry smile . " But for now shall we keep that a secret , most staff members know it , but I would prefer to leave it a surprise to Miss Groves and the like . " She can 't suppress a sneer at the end of the sentence , showing that she clearly wasn 't fond of the venomous girl . Shaking her head , she states in her usual and kind tone . Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 Venomscale stopped lifting Venomscale stopped lifting and looked at the bully . " Your mouth is full of shit , i think you were in the sewer last night . " He replied , while clenching his hands into fists , careful not to scratch himself with his own claws . Foradain Offline Last seen : 2 hours 11 min ago Joined : 10 / 25 / 2013 - 21 : 06 Toni nodded . " That did seem Toni nodded . " That did seem implied , yes . And of course , I figure you 'll give me whichever role you think will make the better play , or teach us more , or maybe both ? " " All of the above , and I think I have just the part , though you 'll get your role tomorrow ; got to build up SOME suspense now . " She jokes , before leading him back to the Drama room , in which he is gently and kindly ambushed by a smiling Rose and a not so happy Madison , who 's presence feels icy to say the least . Madison speaks frist , much to Rose 's chargin , as Miss Hall takes the next student to the auditorium , though giving Toni a clear look and message : ' If she gets out of line , simply beep me . ' " So , assuming you didn 't flop the entire thing I suppose your my only competition . besides gypsy queen over here . . " She mocks , with emphasis on the word gypsy , as Rose simply flips Madison the bird whilst addressing Toni . " Excuse the dog , she hasn 't had the tact to be spayed yet . And I 'm sure you nailed it Toni . . . but don 't think this means I won 't try any less harder to show you up . " She smiles to him , a clear look of genuine friendship passed as she walks away , sitting promptly to look through her sheet music , examining notes for future improvement . Meanwhile , Madison simply glares him down as she challenges . " If you have any dignity left , I suggest dropping out of the play now . . . then again , it 'd be fun to traunce you both . Ciao , fruit loops . " She deadpans on the last statement , before sauntering over to her own flock to compare notes on their auditions . Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 Damon then said : " You are far Damon then said : " You are far too ignorant . And i 'm not sure you even know what ignorant means . " He then got down on all four and stood that way for a moment , but then hissed and leapt forward whit great speed to deliver a straight punch to Kyle 's nose . Note that Damon has super strength . Gladatoria Offline Last seen : 4 days 4 hours ago Joined : 09 / 08 / 2013 - 14 : 20 Kyle was sent several feet Kyle was sent several feet sprawling back by Damon 's sudden punch , a crunch heard as his nose is also promptly broken , blood streeaming down his face as Kyle struggles to get up against a weight rack , clutching his face . Any attempts for the boys to engage in round two is stunted by holographic figure of ESSI appearing before them . Modeled after the school 's principal Janet Ellis , a former heroine herself with the powers of kinetic field generation , it 's appearance is that of a stern looking woman with her hair in a tight bun , clad in a simple glowing business suit and skirt . " That is quite enough , Damon . Coach Wright please escort Mister Coleman to the Nurse 's office . " She commands , as the stiff man does so , urging the boy up angirly in response to his remarks , giving a curt if not slight nod of respect to Damon before exiting the room . " Since this is your first incident on school grounds , Miss Ellis has seen fit to provide you with only two sessions of after school detention , from 2 : 30 to 5 : 30 this afternoon and tomorrow . She also stated that she expects more from you given your academic performance . " With that statement , ESSI in a fold of blue , as other students staring at the scene give their differing reactions , mostly all smiles in Damon 's direction , save for the sneers of Kyle 's abandoned peers , who sulk off to the other side of the room leaderless for now . Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 " Totally worth it . " Damon " Totally worth it . " Damon said , then turned to continue his weightlifting , given that the class has not ended yet . RottenLuck Offline Last seen : 2 hours 3 min ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 The moment the hologram The moment the hologram appeared Robert done the normal teenage boy behavior . " Wasn 't me . " Now that events were over he returned to his Jeet Kun Do practice striking a sand bag with quick fast minimal movement attacks . A perfect fighting style for someone with super fast reflexes , but wasn 't a speedster . " I think you broke his nose . He get lucky or did you pull your punch ? " Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 " Gossip is just gossip . I don " Gossip is just gossip . I don 't care . That punch pretty much came from everyone here except for his goons . " Xselcier Offline Last seen : 5 days 11 hours ago Joined : 08 / 26 / 2013 - 11 : 54 A voice from over at the A voice from over at the bench press where Damon had been joined the conversation . " A solid hit , Scales . A little brutish and unbalanced , but effective nonetheless . " The speaker was a short , stocky guy with pale skin , auburn hair , and ice - blue eyes . He smiled easily as he leaned on the bar of the bench press . " Me , I prefer a bit more subtlety in my approach to sending a message . Check the goon squad over there . " he said , indicating Kyle 's posse sulking by the leg press . At the corner of Robert and Damon 's eyes , the red - haired young man would seem to flicker briefly . Then Kyle 's goons were hollering and tripping over themselves as they 'd all been pantsed and their shoelaces had been tied together . The short guy smiled again and walked over to Damon and Robert . " How ya doin ' ? I 'm Andy Donovan . " - Putting yourself in another persons shoes emotionally is something that everyone has to experience eventually . It 's part of learning to be a human being . Roleplayers do it for fun . Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 Damon paused the Damon paused the weightlifting to look at Kyle 's goons as they start tripping . " Impressive speed . I 'm Damon Blake . " He released his right hand from the weights to give Andy a handshake , careful not to injure him with his clawed hand . " Doing good , but i feel like i 'm lifting wooden sticks here . " He said . Andy would notice that Damon has no trouble at all holding the maxed out weight bar with one hand . Xselcier Offline Last seen : 5 days 11 hours ago Joined : 08 / 26 / 2013 - 11 : 54 " Oh , it 's not speed , persay . " Oh , it 's not speed , persay . Watch the clock there . " he said , pointing at the wall . The clock 's second hand ticked to : 55 , then it took five seconds to tick from : 55 to : 56 . After that , it progressed from : 56 to : 01 almost instantly . Andy grinned and leaned back on his arms . - Putting yourself in another persons shoes emotionally is something that everyone has to experience eventually . It 's part of learning to be a human being . Roleplayers do it for fun . Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 " Time manipulation , then . " Time manipulation , then . Still impressive . " He said as he watched the clock . Foradain Offline Last seen : 2 hours 11 min ago Joined : 10 / 25 / 2013 - 21 : 06 Toni smiled at both girls , Toni smiled at both girls , though if she were perceptive Maddie might have noticed the one directed at her was a bit fake . " Of course I didn 't flop . And I expect nothing less than your best from either of you . " Looking at Maddie , his smile faded as he added , " For whatever your best is worth . " In fact , if there were three things that landed him the stage management job for the school play , they were the fact that he was always early , the fact that he almost never talks unless he has to , and the fact that he has a free period first thing Tuesday Morning . To be fair , however , as Connor tapped his pencil against his clipboard while waiting for further instruction from the play 's director , his sunken eyes began to drift away , staring off into space as he thought of all the wonderful dreams that he could be having at that hour . After all , it wasn 't his fault that he could see ghosts , and it was even less of his fault to consider that they have the tendency to keep people up at night . Sure , every once in a while you get something interesting from a few of them ( a group of Union soldiers that once wandered through the walls of his bedroom gave him enough information to pass his Civil War test a few months ago ) , but more often than not , there 's a lot of noise , as if there were about six times as many people out on the streets at night than there should be . Connor pulled himself back to reality for a few moments as he realized that the director 's lips were moving again . He instinctively grabbed the paper coffee - cup next to him , nearly spilling it as he took a haphazard sip , and immediately begin scribbling on the paper attached to the clipboard . " . . . Sorry . Say that again ? " blue5150 Offline Last seen : 5 months 2 weeks ago Joined : 04 / 29 / 2014 - 12 : 43 The 72 classic olds 442 The 72 classic olds 442 pulled into the student parking . It wasn 't the prettiest looking car , it had a few dents and was a dull flat grey color . However the engine purred with perfection . Keith had spent countless hours restoring it . All he needed to do was finish the body work . He left the convertible top down and hopped out . He walked up to the school and opened the door . Her wore his school jacket with pride . He was a co captain of the hockey team and captain of the baseball team . " Mr Gateman , if you are done we still need those costumes rolled in from the drama room , Miss Hall left a key near your cup . And also , I 'd be sure to wipe away the coffee mustache before heading there . " He smiles as he notes , moving to the other wide of the stage before adding . " And please inform Miss Groves , Miss Burdelon and Mister Mercer that Miss Hall would like them to stay after school , same as you for dress rehearsal . " " If I didn 't know any better , I think she sees you as a threat . . . relish in that for a moment . And also , calm down . . . excessive studying is just going to tire you out for the rehearsal , whatever you get is whatever you get , mon ami . " She states softly . Stalker Offline Last seen : 10 hours 39 min ago Joined : 05 / 21 / 2014 - 20 : 28 The Jock King would find his The Jock King would find his way into the nurse 's office , feeling a pulse of empathy almost immediately . In front of the red - mohawked menace was a scrawny boy sitting in a chair , turned towards the nurse with his hands folded in his lap and his leg pumping a hundred times per minute . He was nervous . . . He wore a basic Zipper Hoodie , navy blue , and tan cargo pants with simple , mid - price - range sneakers . He was one of those students who the Jock had never given a second thought to . The Nurse herself was reading over the paper in her hands : a doctor 's note , and also spoke with a man over the phone . Presumably the Doctor . " Yes I understand that he 's a special case . He seems to have the opposite effect . . . " The student in front of the nurse turned to see Kyle and offered him a couple paper towels to deal with the bleeding on his face . A good few drips had already reached his shirt and stained in ugly patterns with the already - existing sweat stains . The scrawny boy avoided saying anything , afraid he might pull on the wrong emotional chord and get himself in trouble with the populars . Kyle gave one of those cocky upward head nobs of ' thanks kid ' that the upper crust liked to do . The only reason he even fit in , this smaller teen , was because his powers were never out . The larger jock dabbed the blood from his face , careful to avoid touching his nose to make it hurt . He gave the outward tough - guy expression , even though he was in pain . Finally the Nurse hung up the phone and signed the document . " Okay Vincent . Now , I 'm approving your medication , but I need you to take this form to the principal . I 've signed it , so she knows it has my okay . " The teacher handed the paper and an unmarked flask to the boy , as well as a measuring cup that often came with cough syrup . Kyle gave an odd look to the nurse . Was he just given booze as medication ? " Remember Vincent , you 're only supposed to take 2 ounces at most , every 8 hours . A little bit during lunch , and you should be good until you get home . A little bit when you wake up , and a little bit before you go to bed . . . " The Nurse let out a sigh and shook her head . " I still find it hard to believe that you need to take CHASER of all things to stay like that . " Vincent winced at the word she used . Chaser was an unfortunate necessity to keep his power in check . If he didn 't take it , the likely scenario was that he 'd start heating up until everything around him starting bursting into flame . Vince nodded and gave a small " thanks . . . " before scurrying out the door . He hurried down to the principle 's office to relay the newly signed note . blue5150 Offline Last seen : 5 months 2 weeks ago Joined : 04 / 29 / 2014 - 12 : 43 As he entered the school he 'd As he entered the school he 'd be greeted by everyone . " what 's up man " another jock would say as he passed . " Hi Keith " a couple of girls would flirtatiously chime . Other popular kids would just hold thier fist out and nod as Keith fist bumped and returned the subtle nod . He was popular and charming . Even the teachers liked him . Always on time with assignments and didn 't even have to struggle to keep his 4 . 0 . Smart , handsome , charming , popular , and athletic . All should have been perfect in his world . It wasn 't . He 'd been sent to this school when his parents lost custody . He never talked about it . He was just gład his aunt welcomed him with open arms . He was different , but never let on . Her being different as well made it all easier to understand . As he walked up to his locker he passed the auditorium . Someone was singing , she sounded good he noted . Then he passed the gym where he spent alot of time . When he got to his locker he opened it up and placed a few books in it . Then he heard the locker next to him start to talk . " Little help here " a soft and almost nerdy voice said . Keith smiled , but tried to hide it as he opened the other locker . A short and skinny underclasman spilled out onto the floor . Pens and books and loose change scattering . " heya mort " . Keith said as he helped the much smaller guy up . " thanks Keith " mort replied . " I 'm glad you 're not like those other jerks . " who was it this time ? " Keith asked . " Steve and his crew " mort answered . " oh andthey took my lunch money " . Mort said frantically searching his pockets . " don 't worry , find me then and ill treat . " Keith said offering mort one of his granola bars . Mort took it as the bell wrang . " Oh no ! ! ! I can 't be late to thus class . " he quickly gathered some loose papers then turned to rush to class . He quickly turned back as Keith handed him the textbook he needed . He just looked at Keith , shook his head and took of down the hall . " we 'll Monica 's parents are in Fiji soooo . House party there ok ? " she turned and walked away looking back at Keith as he headed to class . " I 'll let you know " he said hustling by her trying not to be late . He then got to the door and walked in . He sat up front and took out his book . This was his favorite class . History Wipe away coffee mustache . He blinked , wiped his lip , crossed the instruction out , and nodded sleepily . " Alright Mister Theroux , " he said somewhat sleepily , before getting up and heading to the door . He paused , hand halfway to the doorknob , and stood there for a brief moment as he debated using the Sparklock Spell to make things easier . He eventually decided against it with a sigh ; as nice as convenience was , keeping a good secret was more important . He opened the door to the hallway , stepping out and making a beeline to the costume shop . It was a short trip , considering the school 's layout , but when he arrived , the costume crew itself seemed abscent . " Oh right . First period class , " he muttered to himself , flipping to an empty piece of paper and scrawling a note before placing it atop a rumpled costume . He exited , closing the door behind him quietly . Next , the auditioners . Hopefully nobody would bother him on the way over . RottenLuck Offline Last seen : 2 hours 3 min ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 " Wow time manipulation . That " Wow time manipulation . That 's kind of rare isn 't it . Me technically I 'm a normal kid , just I have this . " He pulled up the back of his shirt and showed off the cybernetic spine . " A successful failure . It repaired the damage to my back was only supposed to be three vertebrae but it kept growing replacing my entire spine now it going into my skull and taking over my entire nervous system . Even my sensory nerves are being replaced I used to need glasses when I was a kid now my eyesight better than normal . So much so I almost have a six sense . " He took a step back from the punching back and activated his overclocking abilities his spine lit up as the artificial nerves went into high speed . Then the delivered about ten punches to the punching bag in the same spot in about 4 seconds so he was pulling about 2 and half punches per second . Then it was over and the spine went dim as he caught his breath " Not quite super speed , but getting there , and I can only do it in short bursts . " " So , Connor , right ? " She smiles , and he would note she didn 't have to fish for his name like other students would if they didn 't know him , she clearly paid attention . She then adds with a smirk . Stalker Offline Last seen : 10 hours 39 min ago Joined : 05 / 21 / 2014 - 20 : 28 Finally Vince made it to the Finally Vince made it to the Principle 's office . Eyes were watching the halls , so he made the subtle move of simply placing the signed piece of paper int he Principle 's in - mailbox . He 'd been excused from first period class to take care of this , so He 'd have to catch the second period class session to start his day and meet anyone really . Until then . . . He decided to just chill in the cafeteria playing a little bit of Clicky Cape and snacking on twizzlers . The table he picked was off to a corner , his back to a wall and such . He wore a pair of normal earphones ; a cheap , 2 dollar , over the ear folding pair . Nerdy sound tracks played while he mindlessly flew his clicky cape hero between buildings to try to beat his highscore . RottenLuck Offline Last seen : 2 hours 3 min ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 " Well go ask the coach to use " Well go ask the coach to use the Danger Room . Were supposed to learn to control our abilities here that why we have a state of the art gym . Think you can even set the gravity in those rooms to higher than earth normal . Thought I don 't know personally haven 't used them . " Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 " Danger zone , huh ? " Damon " Danger room , huh ? " Damon said , thought for a moment , then added : " Not a bad idea . " Damon walked over to the coach and asked : " May I use the danger room ? " then quickly added : " This gym is useless for me , i 'm lifting wooden sticks here at the maximum weight on the weight bar . " Gideon Cross Offline Last seen : 19 hours 51 min ago Joined : 08 / 30 / 2013 - 19 : 04 Shepherd had entered the Shepherd had entered the school a he was being given a tour of the facilities . He had been planning on tutoring after seeing Toni and Rose in action . They peaked his interest in the fight . He figured if he could help them and others learn to control their powers more it would be a good way for him to keep busy on the days he wasn 't in the TCPD . " The weapons and obstacles that are erected will not kill you , but adapt to your limits . However , if at any time this gets too much , call out to ESSI , she is monitoring the room as we speak . " With that , he escorts the nonpowered boys out of the now Danger Room , before shouting as he leaves . Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 " Now this is more like it . " " Now this is more like it . " Damon said , then walked over to a one ton car . " Can you set these up with chains so it 's more comfortable to lift these ? It 's not like the car will lose any weight . " D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 4 days ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 Connor raises an eyebrow , and Connor raises an eyebrow , and begins pulling the rack out and into the next room . " . . . Right , " he says after a moment , looking at Rose with a furrowed brow . Something felt . . . Odd . " I 've seen you around school , passed you on the stage . " She then added as they rolled the rack down the hallway . " What ; d you THINK I meant ? " She asks with a smile . He shakes his head again , doing his best to avoid eye contact with the janitor that had passed away several months ago , before deciding to change the subject . " . . . So you 're Rose , right ? I 'm supposed to tell you to stay afterwards for your first rehearsal . " Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 " Incredible . " Damon said , " Incredible . " Damon said , then grabbing the chain to a one ton car with both hands and pulling it down , lifting the car upwards . He had no problem lifting it , but it was obvious he was putting in more effort than with the weights previously . After lifting the car a few times he decided to go to a two ton car , grabbing the chain and pulling it . He managed to lift this one as well and continued to lift it up and down for a moment , then moved on to a three ton car . He grabbed the chain and pulled it , able to lift this one as well , but lifted and lowered it only one time . He went on to a five ton car and grabbed the chain , pulling it downwards . He was able to lift it , but required more effort . He decided to stick with five tons for now , lifting it up and down . " He looks sad . . . I don 't think he was respected very well before he died , so at the very least we can try now . " With that said , she moves to pick up several items of trash left by careless students and depositing it in a wastebin . Turning back to Connor with a smile , she replies , probably answering his question . RottenLuck Offline Last seen : 2 hours 3 min ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 In the seats watching the In the seats watching the stage was the wayward spirit Misty Sinclair . She didn 't expect anyone to notice her she was relaxed and wasn 't making herself material . Those who could see her would see she had her feet propped up on the seat and would be revealing given she has a very short leather skirt on . Dressed like a Goth girl her outfit was once black now she 's dead it comes out a gray variation . If someone really focus on her arms they were see fant puncture marks for needles . She was also being annoying though she believed no one could hear her making cat calls and insulting those on stage . " What is this a Elementary school production ? I seen better at a kindergarten show ! " At the Gym Robert went to the sparing dummies . The ones if you hit one arm the other spins around to hit you . It was great practice learning how to attack and switch to blocking fast . The harder you hit the faster you have to block . Just what he needed to work on . D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 4 days ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 Connor sighs . " . . . I had a Connor sighs . " . . . I had a feeling that 's what you meant , " he says , looking back at the janitor . " I 've been having regular conversations with that guy from the day he died . Considering nobody talked to him anyway , I wonder if he even knows he 's dead . " He looks back at Rose . " Connor Gateman , current Wicket Door , if that makes any sense to you . " RottenLuck Offline Last seen : 2 hours 3 min ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 " Oh my ! It 's freaky when " Oh my ! It 's freaky when people notice me like that ! What the matter deary can 't take a little criticism . " She laughed " Besides I hate scaring kids I may be a pain , but I 'm not a monster . " She then sticks her tongue out at Rose " Go right ahead make yourself look foolish no one else can see me . . . . wait can anyone else see me ? " She stands up and turns around bending over flashing Rose " I was so sure I was invisible to live folk . " D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 4 days ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 " We can all see you . Best " We can all see you . Best Ghost Ever , ten out of ten , " Connor said passively as he attended to the costume rack . Hopefully two people would be enough to pull off the bluff . Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 Damon stopped lifting the Damon stopped lifting the five ton car and turned to the exit . On his way out he noticed Dennis lifting up ten tons without problem . " Enough for me today , I 've got other classes to catch . " He said to the coach before leaving the danger room . " Rosella Burdelon , latest with in the Burdelon line and voodoo priestess when it suits me . And don 't worry , they are too engrossed in the script to noticed . . . and no I mean like moreso than the rest of us , it 's kinda creepy . " She points to the circle of students backstage , eyeing the script like it 's a godsend . Leaving the rack near the left curtain , she turns to lead Connor near Misty so it appears like a regular conversation . . . mostly . D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 4 days ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 " Job summary , Death 's " Job summary , Death 's Paperboy , " he says in complete deadpan , rolling his eyes slightly before lowering his voice , " when people die , I 'm the doorman and the welcoming committee . When someone starts going on a murderous rampage , it 's my job to , you know , stop . . . That , " he says , waving vaguely . " Fun job . Wonderful benefits . " RottenLuck Offline Last seen : 2 hours 3 min ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 " Don 't worry about little old " Don 't worry about little old me . I even saved your lives . . . well okay I just fought a battle with some creepy demon things . Just it so BOOORING being dead . " She looked to the group of students with the scrips . Being closer they could guess her age was about 19 or 20 . She rose up and flew over to them and yanked the scrip out of one of the students hands . He blinked and looked to the script " Seems I have a case of butter fingers . " He reached down to pick it up as Misty returned to her seat . D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 4 days ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 Connor shrugs , towing the Connor shrugs , towing the clothing rack to where it had to be . " You 'll figure it out , " he said with a sigh as he checked his clipboard for a moment , " or . . . Something . " He looks up , then turns a page on his board over . Near the wall of the danger room , Alicia Crane sits by herself , rreading a book . Considering she isn 't watching the jocks do their thing , nor doing anything herself , it seems odd that she would pick a training room as a place to sit , let alone read . Every once in a while , the other students cast glances in her direction , none of them seeming all that favorable . RottenLuck Offline Last seen : 2 hours 3 min ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 Gym was about over for Robert Gym was about over for Robert so he ended his practice and went for the locker room to change . Removing his shirt before he fully went in his body wasn 't buffed it was a lean build more for speed then power . Right before he reached the locker room his back flared and he stumbled bracing himself against the wall as the power surge raced along his artificial nerves . He knew what it meant , somewhere in his body new nanites were taking over extending the network and augmenting more of his natural body . He stumiched down the fear . . how long till he was technically a machine ? " I told the witch doctor I was in love with you . And then the witch doctor , he told me what to do . He said that . . . . Ooo eee , ooo ah ah ting tang Walla walla , bing bang Ooo eee , ooo ah ah ting tang Walla walla , bing bang . . . " She laughed . " I want everyone here after school for the first rehearsal , including you Mister Gateman ! " He adds before stepping out himself to head backstage . Rose turns back to Connor with a smile . " We can take care of it after school , and don 't worry , secret 's safe with me . " With that said , she heads to her locker to retrieve her American History textbook , hoping that her next class would be mostly uneventful . RottenLuck Offline Last seen : 2 hours 3 min ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 " Don 't worry about me cutie . " Don 't worry about me cutie . Who am I going to tell ? The Janitor ? " Misty said now that the auditions were over there wasn 't really anything to pick on so she drifted up in the air and floated for the doors . " Do they still shower after Gym class ? " Gladatoria Offline Last seen : 4 days 4 hours ago Joined : 09 / 08 / 2013 - 14 : 20 Rosella , almost on a second Rosella , almost on a second thought , realized that one , she was so out of it she didn 't realize she had a free period , and that History was not until third . Placing the book sheepishly back in her locker , she returned to the Auditorium to find it mostly empty save for Toni , Connor , and Misty . Entering quietly , she decided to rarely and openly practice her abilities , willing herself to invisibility as she travels to her friend 's position . Seating herself right beside Misty , she allows herself to return to visibility in a emerald haze , sitting crosslegged like she had been there the entire time . Foradain Offline Last seen : 2 hours 11 min ago Joined : 10 / 25 / 2013 - 21 : 06 Toni noticed Rose talking to Toni noticed Rose talking to thin air , so he concentrated on a spell Setzer had taught him . It let him see Misty , vaguely , and hear her . But she was leaving , so he didn 't worry about her . He noticed Shepherd being given a tour , and Connor checking his notepad . " What 's up , Connor ? Caught the acting bug ? " RottenLuck Offline Last seen : 2 hours 3 min ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 Misty stopped spotting Misty stopped spotting Shepherd " Hey I know that guy . " Makes a face " Really what 's the point of being invisible and unnoticed if like half the people in the room can see and hear you ! That 's like cheating ! " D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 4 days ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 Connor looks up for a moment , Connor looks up for a moment , shakes his head , then looks back down at the clipboard . " I 'm stage managing . Not acting , " he says plainly , flipping another page over before looking up . " Wait , you 're not part of the cast , are you ? " Foradain Offline Last seen : 2 hours 11 min ago Joined : 10 / 25 / 2013 - 21 : 06 " Anthony Mercer . " It " Anthony Mercer . " It probably wasn 't down as Toni . . . Stalker Offline Last seen : 10 hours 39 min ago Joined : 05 / 21 / 2014 - 20 : 28 Finally , second period was Finally , second period was starting up . Anything was better than sitting alone in the cafeteria for the past hour or so . Well . . . Technically speaking , some huge guy had come through , but he seemed more content to just eat on his own than to chit - chat . Either way , Vince closed down his game of Clicky Cape and stashed his headphones and made his way to class . He stopped by his locker to pick out his book for the class and seemed to linger a minute longer than he needed to , letting out a sigh . He didn 't know anybody here . Not really . He 'd been transferred in just today , so what point was there to try very hard right away ? He pressed his forehead against the cool aluminum shelf in the middle of his locker and shut his eyes for a second . Just taking in the sounds and the hustle - bustle of the students talking between classes . He noted the social groups all around him . The geekier kids who focused on studies . The nerdier kids who cared more for different media . The sports kids and drama kids , and then there were the odd ones out . The supers . They were Pariah 's and idols at the same time . Something to be jealous of , but also fearful of . . . Where did he actually belong then ? Finally , he clicked his door shut and gave the dial a careless spin . Some students lodged paperclips into their lockers to make it easier to open later , but Vince certainly didn 't trust this peer - group right now . Finally he made his way to his sciences class . He walked in with the stragglers , taking a seat near the back , and closer to the window . A good place to not be noticed . He liked the subject . Science . It seemed to hold secrets to unlock the universe , though the current class was much more simple . Chemistry at least meant he 'd be forced into pairing up with another student at some point . He 'd try to make friends then . . . That is , unless the teacher made him introduce himself first . Xselcier Offline Last seen : 5 days 11 hours ago Joined : 08 / 26 / 2013 - 11 : 54 " Mr . Cain ! What have I told " Mr . Cain ! What have I told you about defacing private property ? " said a harsh Arabic voice from behind Dennis as all the snacks he 'd taken from the machine left his arms and pockets . The orderly line of bagged chips and candy bars floated back to the machine , slotting themselves back in to the springs . As they did this , the man speaking walked around in front of Dennis . It was Mr . Al - Zawari , Biochemistry teacher and resident telekinetic . - Putting yourself in another persons shoes emotionally is something that everyone has to experience eventually . It 's part of learning to be a human being . Roleplayers do it for fun . D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 4 days ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 Connor looks up again , his Connor looks up again , his brow furrowed at Rose 's odd choice of words . " Am I alright what ? " He says , looking back down at his clipboard for a moment before looking back up at her . He then looks to Toni , and after scanning his pages for the ' alternative ' name that he had offered , gave a nod of approval before adding a small checkmark to the side with his pencil . " I 'm uh . . . I 'm fine , I 'm fine . Just concentrating . Mostly . " Xselcier Offline Last seen : 5 days 11 hours ago Joined : 08 / 26 / 2013 - 11 : 54 " Thank you for your input , Ms " Thank you for your input , Ms . Crane . But Mr . Cain has been warned about this infraction before . " Mr . Al - Zawari said , looking over at the quiet girl and nodding . - Putting yourself in another persons shoes emotionally is something that everyone has to experience eventually . It 's part of learning to be a human being . Roleplayers do it for fun . RottenLuck Offline Last seen : 2 hours 3 min ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 Misty laughed " Oh well I 'm Misty laughed " Oh well I 'm sure if this was my only haunting ground I could think of some ways to entertain myself . Luckily it seems I 'm bound to Titan City itself and can go anywhere in it 's limits . Right now I 'm going to scout around . Perhaps a group who aren 't composed of Mediums . After all what else is a Poltergeist to do then cause mischief ! " Then Misty flew through the wall laughing . Robert ran into science class just as the bell rang and settled down at a table noting a new kid in class . He reached over to offer a handshake to Vince . " Hey , I 'm Robert Tanner nice to meet you . " Unknown to Robert his eyes were now silvery the modifications the nanites made were to his very eyes . " Mr Al - Zawari is right , you have been warned about this larceny before Mr . Cain . As such , three days of after school detention starting today , and you must work to help repair the machine you so haphazardly destroyed , the right way . " The holographic figure then turns to Alicia , as she states further . " Miss Crane , Principal Ellis would like to speak with you during 6th period . Her room is opposite the library , A104 . " With that , she fades away in a blue haze . D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 4 days ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 " Uh huh , " Connor says in " Uh huh , " Connor says in response to Rose 's explanation , apparently not seeming to think it was all that strange despite his original reaction . He watches Toni carefully as he peeks at the clipboard . . . But there are no roles there . All that 's listed is a hand - written attendance sheet . " If you 're looking for something specific , you should try asking Miss Hall , she 's the director , " Connor says , flipping to another page before checking over another list of handwritten notes , " all that Mister Theroux and I have are technical notes and things that have to get done , " he says with a shrug . Foradain Offline Last seen : 2 hours 11 min ago Joined : 10 / 25 / 2013 - 21 : 06 " Yeap , she 's bilingual . Me , " Yeap , she 's bilingual . Me , I have to study French , in about three minutes . Guess I 'll be seeing you later , Rose ! " Toni headed off to his French class . " I imagine you also have a free period as well ? And out of curiosity , are you alright ? " She looks him over with a pair of piercing emerald eyes , and her tone makes it clear she actually , genuinely cares . D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 4 days ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 " Stage managers skip class " Stage managers skip class during tech periods because we have things to do , " Connor says , looking up at her for a few moments . He frowned a bit , seeming a bit puzzled as to why she was staring at him , but ultimately didn 't seem too disturbed by it . After a few more seconds of checking things off , he walked over to a nearby chair , sitting down and tucking his pencil into the clip on his clipboard with a sigh . " Yeah . I 'm fine . Just tired , " he says after reclining a bit . " Sleeping trouble . " Alicia nods politely , looking to ESSI for a moment more in acknowledgement . " Yes ma ' am . I 'll head over right away . " Seemingly , she meant it , immediately making her way along the same route that Dennis had taken a few moments earlier , passing by his locker on the way to the principle 's office . She takes a deep breath upon reaching the door , then slowly , carefully reaches up and gives the door two knocks . Despite the delicacy of the moment , they still come off as quite loud . At the very least however , it wasn 't door - shattering . " So many people in this city , you must be overworked ferrying them to the afterlife . " Deduces , before inquiring . " Do you enjoy being the Wicket Door ? " " Since I imagine ESSI informed you of our reason for meeting , I 'll be frank . In the heat of the unnessecary fanfare against your enrollment here , my colleagues neglected to ask how you personally feel about the parameters in place , and arranging your classes for your safety and comfort as well as other students . So in short : what is your stance in the matter and how would you like to modify your status , Alicia ? " She then offers a disarming smile , and a hand to shake , the other occupied with manifesting a cobalt force field the size of a plate , and maneuvering a pot of green tea and two china teacups to the coffee table before them both . D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 4 days ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 Connor shrugs , rubbing his Connor shrugs , rubbing his eyes for a brief moment afterwards . " Depends . Sometimes it 's sort - of annoying . Other times , you get a decent amount of satisfaction knowing that you 're helping people finally find peace , " he says with a shrug , " especially since there isn 't really much to be found around here , at least most of the time , " he adds under his breath . He turns , looking up to where the ghost had been a few moments before , and after failing to see her there , instead sighs and turns his gaze to the lighting fixtures above the stage . " Though I suppose it could be worse . I haven 't run into any Reapers just yet . " Alicia shakes the principle 's hand and takes a seat , but offers nothing in return other than the slightest of smiles . She sits almost stoically , with her hands in her lap , and her back straight , the power lines on her bracers and the central power note on her belt glowing softly , along with her white eyes . " . . . I 'm not sure I follow , " she says after a moment of silence , " if by my status , you mean my class lineup , then I think it would be best to keep the safety of others as a top concern , " she says , her voice somewhat emotionless . At least outwardly , it 's a bit difficult to tell how she truly feels about her current situation . Stalker Offline Last seen : 10 hours 39 min ago Joined : 05 / 21 / 2014 - 20 : 28 Vince looked up at the Vince looked up at the partially nanite 'd teen with a slight bewilderment . Piercing metallic eyes looked back down at him , but they weren 't judging for the moment . Rather , it was the eyes of the normal students that seemed to be judging the two at the moment . Had he managed to not be noticed by the others that easily ? - - " Vince . " He replied abruptly , shaking the hand with a quick grip and a single up and down motion . " - - transfered in today . " he added , shifting an arm to cover a doodle on his binder . It was just one of those . . . S things . You know , the really geometric things that show up on at least half a dozen binders during school . Yeah , you know . . . The S - thing ! http : / / i . imgur . com / U9IsW . jpg It wasn 't an important detail really , though the freehand lines came out decent , and he 'd used pen only , so that meant he could probably draw alright ? Who knew . Besides that one doodle , the binder looked clean .
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Gladatoria Offline Last seen : 6 days 2 hours ago Joined : 09 / 08 / 2013 - 14 : 20 James Duncan High Open RP Nestled within the district of Old Braford , James Duncan High is a relatively new educational institution founded in 2012 , but it 's worth can 't be counted in years , but it 's purpose and facets . Named after the famed and fallen hero American Star , James Duncan High functions a revolutionary magnet school , it 's stellar curriculum catering to the needs of two populations : nonpowered and powered students . It 's facilities carry a old - world traditional sense of architecture meshed with cutting edge technology and alluring and smart decor , such as a holographic display above the dual sets of fountains near the front of the building bearing the various deeds of heroes throughout the day within the news . It 's overall structure is a initial brickwork outlined by solid titanium plating , mixed with other alloys often provided by scientific heroes as it faces reconstruction . Walking though the halls , a student would be introduced to the necessary locations within the school grounds by a onsite AI named ESSI , or Educational Systems and Security Interface . Classrooms aside from the obviously different standards of Fine Arts are equipped with desk interfaces that stream a miniaturized version of the smartboard lesson , and are detachable for greater ease of access . It 's cafeteria is outlined with the school 's colors of Red and Gold , bears fully stocked and functional kitchens , televisions that display local and school news , and a pristine view of a large open air courtyard along it 's perimeter that is used to hold dances , and separates the main school from the gym and sports facilities . It 's fine arts department is also notable , as aside from a Orchestra and Art hallway , Digital Media Room and Auditorium , it 's Drama organization is it 's pride and joy aside from it 's stellar football team , the James Duncan All Stars . Currently pacing before class starts within this room is a rather stressed Rosella Burdelon , who awaits the results of her audition for the role of Elphaba in the school 's first production of Wicked . Despite the relative irony of her role , Rose aims to do the best she can , though she is rudely reminded that competition brings out the best of the worst in people , as resident mean girl and former friend Madison Groves strolls in . Clad in a fashionable black nearly see - through blouse and semi short gold silk skirt , partnered with knee high black heeled boots , and full lengths of steely blond hair and piercing grey eyes , Madison 's model like attire grossly parallels that of Rose 's . " My concealer is Cle de Peau , Rosie . One bottle was probably worth more than your gypsy camp ! " Rose blinks at the insult , before simply shaking her head at the girl , muttering in french before replying . " One , I 'm French creole sweetheart , not that you have the brains to even spell the phrase . And two , I 'd slap you , but contracting herpes is not on my list of things to do today , Madison . " She states in a rather expert Boston Brahman accent nearly identical to Madison 's own , who opens her mouth to retort , but chooses silence as they move to their respective seats , as students file in , as does the teacher , ending the verbal war . RottenLuck Offline Last seen : 12 hours 45 min ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 Stepping off the bus there Stepping off the bus there was little to tell that the teen aged Robert was a bit more then normal . Baggy jeans , sneakers , a white t shirt , blue hoodie , and black back pack . That was until you spot his back . The glow from the fiberoptics of his cybernetic spine shone through the fabric of the shirt , up to his bald head where it connects to the back of his skull with metallic spider like webbing of metal and faint blue nano cords seen under his skin . His viser connected to the metal band that ends at his ears and on his left arm he had a wearable computer gauntlet like device . He pulled up his hood over his head trying to hide his shaved condition . Without warning a crumbled up paper wad came flying and thought it was aimed for the back of his head he leaned to the left just in time to avoid being hit . He even caught it with his right hand and tossed it into the trash can he was passing . Just another morning at James Duncan High . Foradain Offline Last seen : 1 hour 12 min ago Joined : 10 / 25 / 2013 - 21 : 06 Toni Mercer didn 't have the Toni Mercer didn 't have the figure of either Rose or Maddie , but that was perfectly understandable . The clothing he usually wore could be thought of as " unisex " , and most of the people who realized he was male assumed he was gay . Not that he had a problem with people making that assumption , as long as they kept things civil . . . Toni smiled and nodded at Rosie as he found his own seat . From his pack he pulled out two sheets of music . Which one would he use for the audition ? Fortunately , being in the middle of the alphabet he had time to decide . He hoped he wouldn 't choose the same one Rose did ; he had gotten the role of Viola in Twelfth Night and didn 't find out until later that Rose had wanted it . Ah , well , at least she had beaten Maddie for Olivia . Which would she choose ? Elphaba was the lead role , but from what he 'd learned last week it was hitting the nail a bit squarely . Finally , he went with his gut instinct , and put " Popular " on top . If he guessed wrong , he had a fifty - fifty chance of being able to change it , depending on which end of the alphabet the auditions started on . . . Gladatoria Offline Last seen : 6 days 2 hours ago Joined : 09 / 08 / 2013 - 14 : 20 Rose smiles to Toni as he Rose smiles to Toni as he enters , but takes a moment to note his music choice , commenting quietly from her seat beside him . " Oh , I chose No Good Deed , but don 't let that stop you . " The statement would earn a scoff from Madison , who inquires incredulously . " And you think you can pull it off ? Last time I checked Elphaba wasn 't loaded with silicon . " She insults , earning quite a few ' ooohs ' from the rest of the classroom . Madison , not yet yielding , simply turns to switch targets , staring down Toni like a snake . " Oh give me a break fruit loops , at least she can carry half a note . " She hisses , adding . " But I suppose you have better taste in clothes . . . for your standards I suppose . " Any other comments she could have lobbed are effectively cut off when she makes an attempt to plop into her chair , instead hitting the carpet hard on her backside , but the chair didn 't seem to move . . . almost as if it phased through to those with otherwordly senses . " Toni , are you ready ? " She asks with a smile , gesturing to the open door before Rose comments . " Just remember to breathe and not to overcomplicate the piece , you 'll be fine ! " Foradain Offline Last seen : 1 hour 12 min ago Joined : 10 / 25 / 2013 - 21 : 06 In the auditorium , Toni In the auditorium , Toni passed the sheet music to the pianist . Unfortunately , Maddie wasn 't in the auditorium at the moment ; she 'd have made a perfect target for some of the innuendoes . On the other hand , best to keep it as intended . He sang the piece contralto ( well within his usable range ) , and did , he thought , fairly well . " Very nice Toni , and the dynamics were sound . I really can 't nitpick here . . . but I was wondering why not Fiyero ? What made you choose Popular ? " She inquires with her everpresent honeylike tone , making it clear that brief stardom didn 't change how she treated anyone , and she was generally interested . Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 The door suddenly busts open The door suddenly busts open and a simple " Sorry i 'm late , teacher . " Could be heard . The door opener stepped in and revealed to be Venomscale aka Damon Blake . He was a reptilian humanoid , with dark green scales covering his body , except the front where he had just horizontally striped though skin , colored tan . He also had a reptilian tail covered in scales . His hands and feet were clawed , and his eyes are red with black vertical stripe pupils . His head resembled a lizard much more than a human . He was wearing a sleeveless brown leather vest and blue jeans held in place by a black leather belt . He didn 't have any shoes due to his clawed feet . He walked to a chair to sit down and once he had gotten closer a small dent in his scales on the left shoulder could be seen , as if someone had attempted to stab him with a knife . Foradain Offline Last seen : 1 hour 12 min ago Joined : 10 / 25 / 2013 - 21 : 06 " Good question . After all , I " Good question . After all , I need to exercise the lower end of my range , as well . I suppose it was just the habit of going for a showier number . " Toni considered that possibility that Miss Hall was a mind reader . He couldn 't think of a good reason to dismiss the idea . . . Elsewhere , Miss Hall simply smiles as she replies . " Well I see no point in arguing your decision , and yes , for your information , I am a telepath . . that 's part of the reason I left Broadway . You couldn 't go an inch across that stage without hearing what everyone thought of you , no matter how good or grand your performance was . " She reveals in a subdued tone before adding with a wry smile . " But for now shall we keep that a secret , most staff members know it , but I would prefer to leave it a surprise to Miss Groves and the like . " She can 't suppress a sneer at the end of the sentence , showing that she clearly wasn 't fond of the venomous girl . Shaking her head , she states in her usual and kind tone . Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 Venomscale stopped lifting Venomscale stopped lifting and looked at the bully . " Your mouth is full of shit , i think you were in the sewer last night . " He replied , while clenching his hands into fists , careful not to scratch himself with his own claws . Foradain Offline Last seen : 1 hour 12 min ago Joined : 10 / 25 / 2013 - 21 : 06 Toni nodded . " That did seem Toni nodded . " That did seem implied , yes . And of course , I figure you 'll give me whichever role you think will make the better play , or teach us more , or maybe both ? " " All of the above , and I think I have just the part , though you 'll get your role tomorrow ; got to build up SOME suspense now . " She jokes , before leading him back to the Drama room , in which he is gently and kindly ambushed by a smiling Rose and a not so happy Madison , who 's presence feels icy to say the least . Madison speaks frist , much to Rose 's chargin , as Miss Hall takes the next student to the auditorium , though giving Toni a clear look and message : ' If she gets out of line , simply beep me . ' " So , assuming you didn 't flop the entire thing I suppose your my only competition . besides gypsy queen over here . . " She mocks , with emphasis on the word gypsy , as Rose simply flips Madison the bird whilst addressing Toni . " Excuse the dog , she hasn 't had the tact to be spayed yet . And I 'm sure you nailed it Toni . . . but don 't think this means I won 't try any less harder to show you up . " She smiles to him , a clear look of genuine friendship passed as she walks away , sitting promptly to look through her sheet music , examining notes for future improvement . Meanwhile , Madison simply glares him down as she challenges . " If you have any dignity left , I suggest dropping out of the play now . . . then again , it 'd be fun to traunce you both . Ciao , fruit loops . " She deadpans on the last statement , before sauntering over to her own flock to compare notes on their auditions . Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 Damon then said : " You are far Damon then said : " You are far too ignorant . And i 'm not sure you even know what ignorant means . " He then got down on all four and stood that way for a moment , but then hissed and leapt forward whit great speed to deliver a straight punch to Kyle 's nose . Note that Damon has super strength . Gladatoria Offline Last seen : 6 days 2 hours ago Joined : 09 / 08 / 2013 - 14 : 20 Kyle was sent several feet Kyle was sent several feet sprawling back by Damon 's sudden punch , a crunch heard as his nose is also promptly broken , blood streeaming down his face as Kyle struggles to get up against a weight rack , clutching his face . Any attempts for the boys to engage in round two is stunted by holographic figure of ESSI appearing before them . Modeled after the school 's principal Janet Ellis , a former heroine herself with the powers of kinetic field generation , it 's appearance is that of a stern looking woman with her hair in a tight bun , clad in a simple glowing business suit and skirt . " That is quite enough , Damon . Coach Wright please escort Mister Coleman to the Nurse 's office . " She commands , as the stiff man does so , urging the boy up angirly in response to his remarks , giving a curt if not slight nod of respect to Damon before exiting the room . " Since this is your first incident on school grounds , Miss Ellis has seen fit to provide you with only two sessions of after school detention , from 2 : 30 to 5 : 30 this afternoon and tomorrow . She also stated that she expects more from you given your academic performance . " With that statement , ESSI in a fold of blue , as other students staring at the scene give their differing reactions , mostly all smiles in Damon 's direction , save for the sneers of Kyle 's abandoned peers , who sulk off to the other side of the room leaderless for now . Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 " Totally worth it . " Damon " Totally worth it . " Damon said , then turned to continue his weightlifting , given that the class has not ended yet . RottenLuck Offline Last seen : 12 hours 45 min ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 The moment the hologram The moment the hologram appeared Robert done the normal teenage boy behavior . " Wasn 't me . " Now that events were over he returned to his Jeet Kun Do practice striking a sand bag with quick fast minimal movement attacks . A perfect fighting style for someone with super fast reflexes , but wasn 't a speedster . " I think you broke his nose . He get lucky or did you pull your punch ? " Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 " Gossip is just gossip . I don " Gossip is just gossip . I don 't care . That punch pretty much came from everyone here except for his goons . " Xselcier Offline Last seen : 1 week 9 hours ago Joined : 08 / 26 / 2013 - 11 : 54 A voice from over at the A voice from over at the bench press where Damon had been joined the conversation . " A solid hit , Scales . A little brutish and unbalanced , but effective nonetheless . " The speaker was a short , stocky guy with pale skin , auburn hair , and ice - blue eyes . He smiled easily as he leaned on the bar of the bench press . " Me , I prefer a bit more subtlety in my approach to sending a message . Check the goon squad over there . " he said , indicating Kyle 's posse sulking by the leg press . At the corner of Robert and Damon 's eyes , the red - haired young man would seem to flicker briefly . Then Kyle 's goons were hollering and tripping over themselves as they 'd all been pantsed and their shoelaces had been tied together . The short guy smiled again and walked over to Damon and Robert . " How ya doin ' ? I 'm Andy Donovan . " - Putting yourself in another persons shoes emotionally is something that everyone has to experience eventually . It 's part of learning to be a human being . Roleplayers do it for fun . Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 Damon paused the Damon paused the weightlifting to look at Kyle 's goons as they start tripping . " Impressive speed . I 'm Damon Blake . " He released his right hand from the weights to give Andy a handshake , careful not to injure him with his clawed hand . " Doing good , but i feel like i 'm lifting wooden sticks here . " He said . Andy would notice that Damon has no trouble at all holding the maxed out weight bar with one hand . Xselcier Offline Last seen : 1 week 9 hours ago Joined : 08 / 26 / 2013 - 11 : 54 " Oh , it 's not speed , persay . " Oh , it 's not speed , persay . Watch the clock there . " he said , pointing at the wall . The clock 's second hand ticked to : 55 , then it took five seconds to tick from : 55 to : 56 . After that , it progressed from : 56 to : 01 almost instantly . Andy grinned and leaned back on his arms . - Putting yourself in another persons shoes emotionally is something that everyone has to experience eventually . It 's part of learning to be a human being . Roleplayers do it for fun . Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 " Time manipulation , then . " Time manipulation , then . Still impressive . " He said as he watched the clock . Foradain Offline Last seen : 1 hour 12 min ago Joined : 10 / 25 / 2013 - 21 : 06 Toni smiled at both girls , Toni smiled at both girls , though if she were perceptive Maddie might have noticed the one directed at her was a bit fake . " Of course I didn 't flop . And I expect nothing less than your best from either of you . " Looking at Maddie , his smile faded as he added , " For whatever your best is worth . " In fact , if there were three things that landed him the stage management job for the school play , they were the fact that he was always early , the fact that he almost never talks unless he has to , and the fact that he has a free period first thing Tuesday Morning . To be fair , however , as Connor tapped his pencil against his clipboard while waiting for further instruction from the play 's director , his sunken eyes began to drift away , staring off into space as he thought of all the wonderful dreams that he could be having at that hour . After all , it wasn 't his fault that he could see ghosts , and it was even less of his fault to consider that they have the tendency to keep people up at night . Sure , every once in a while you get something interesting from a few of them ( a group of Union soldiers that once wandered through the walls of his bedroom gave him enough information to pass his Civil War test a few months ago ) , but more often than not , there 's a lot of noise , as if there were about six times as many people out on the streets at night than there should be . Connor pulled himself back to reality for a few moments as he realized that the director 's lips were moving again . He instinctively grabbed the paper coffee - cup next to him , nearly spilling it as he took a haphazard sip , and immediately begin scribbling on the paper attached to the clipboard . " . . . Sorry . Say that again ? " blue5150 Offline Last seen : 5 months 2 weeks ago Joined : 04 / 29 / 2014 - 12 : 43 The 72 classic olds 442 The 72 classic olds 442 pulled into the student parking . It wasn 't the prettiest looking car , it had a few dents and was a dull flat grey color . However the engine purred with perfection . Keith had spent countless hours restoring it . All he needed to do was finish the body work . He left the convertible top down and hopped out . He walked up to the school and opened the door . Her wore his school jacket with pride . He was a co captain of the hockey team and captain of the baseball team . " Mr Gateman , if you are done we still need those costumes rolled in from the drama room , Miss Hall left a key near your cup . And also , I 'd be sure to wipe away the coffee mustache before heading there . " He smiles as he notes , moving to the other wide of the stage before adding . " And please inform Miss Groves , Miss Burdelon and Mister Mercer that Miss Hall would like them to stay after school , same as you for dress rehearsal . " " If I didn 't know any better , I think she sees you as a threat . . . relish in that for a moment . And also , calm down . . . excessive studying is just going to tire you out for the rehearsal , whatever you get is whatever you get , mon ami . " She states softly . Stalker Offline Last seen : 1 day 6 hours ago Joined : 05 / 21 / 2014 - 20 : 28 The Jock King would find his The Jock King would find his way into the nurse 's office , feeling a pulse of empathy almost immediately . In front of the red - mohawked menace was a scrawny boy sitting in a chair , turned towards the nurse with his hands folded in his lap and his leg pumping a hundred times per minute . He was nervous . . . He wore a basic Zipper Hoodie , navy blue , and tan cargo pants with simple , mid - price - range sneakers . He was one of those students who the Jock had never given a second thought to . The Nurse herself was reading over the paper in her hands : a doctor 's note , and also spoke with a man over the phone . Presumably the Doctor . " Yes I understand that he 's a special case . He seems to have the opposite effect . . . " The student in front of the nurse turned to see Kyle and offered him a couple paper towels to deal with the bleeding on his face . A good few drips had already reached his shirt and stained in ugly patterns with the already - existing sweat stains . The scrawny boy avoided saying anything , afraid he might pull on the wrong emotional chord and get himself in trouble with the populars . Kyle gave one of those cocky upward head nobs of ' thanks kid ' that the upper crust liked to do . The only reason he even fit in , this smaller teen , was because his powers were never out . The larger jock dabbed the blood from his face , careful to avoid touching his nose to make it hurt . He gave the outward tough - guy expression , even though he was in pain . Finally the Nurse hung up the phone and signed the document . " Okay Vincent . Now , I 'm approving your medication , but I need you to take this form to the principal . I 've signed it , so she knows it has my okay . " The teacher handed the paper and an unmarked flask to the boy , as well as a measuring cup that often came with cough syrup . Kyle gave an odd look to the nurse . Was he just given booze as medication ? " Remember Vincent , you 're only supposed to take 2 ounces at most , every 8 hours . A little bit during lunch , and you should be good until you get home . A little bit when you wake up , and a little bit before you go to bed . . . " The Nurse let out a sigh and shook her head . " I still find it hard to believe that you need to take CHASER of all things to stay like that . " Vincent winced at the word she used . Chaser was an unfortunate necessity to keep his power in check . If he didn 't take it , the likely scenario was that he 'd start heating up until everything around him starting bursting into flame . Vince nodded and gave a small " thanks . . . " before scurrying out the door . He hurried down to the principle 's office to relay the newly signed note . blue5150 Offline Last seen : 5 months 2 weeks ago Joined : 04 / 29 / 2014 - 12 : 43 As he entered the school he 'd As he entered the school he 'd be greeted by everyone . " what 's up man " another jock would say as he passed . " Hi Keith " a couple of girls would flirtatiously chime . Other popular kids would just hold thier fist out and nod as Keith fist bumped and returned the subtle nod . He was popular and charming . Even the teachers liked him . Always on time with assignments and didn 't even have to struggle to keep his 4 . 0 . Smart , handsome , charming , popular , and athletic . All should have been perfect in his world . It wasn 't . He 'd been sent to this school when his parents lost custody . He never talked about it . He was just gład his aunt welcomed him with open arms . He was different , but never let on . Her being different as well made it all easier to understand . As he walked up to his locker he passed the auditorium . Someone was singing , she sounded good he noted . Then he passed the gym where he spent alot of time . When he got to his locker he opened it up and placed a few books in it . Then he heard the locker next to him start to talk . " Little help here " a soft and almost nerdy voice said . Keith smiled , but tried to hide it as he opened the other locker . A short and skinny underclasman spilled out onto the floor . Pens and books and loose change scattering . " heya mort " . Keith said as he helped the much smaller guy up . " thanks Keith " mort replied . " I 'm glad you 're not like those other jerks . " who was it this time ? " Keith asked . " Steve and his crew " mort answered . " oh andthey took my lunch money " . Mort said frantically searching his pockets . " don 't worry , find me then and ill treat . " Keith said offering mort one of his granola bars . Mort took it as the bell wrang . " Oh no ! ! ! I can 't be late to thus class . " he quickly gathered some loose papers then turned to rush to class . He quickly turned back as Keith handed him the textbook he needed . He just looked at Keith , shook his head and took of down the hall . " we 'll Monica 's parents are in Fiji soooo . House party there ok ? " she turned and walked away looking back at Keith as he headed to class . " I 'll let you know " he said hustling by her trying not to be late . He then got to the door and walked in . He sat up front and took out his book . This was his favorite class . History Wipe away coffee mustache . He blinked , wiped his lip , crossed the instruction out , and nodded sleepily . " Alright Mister Theroux , " he said somewhat sleepily , before getting up and heading to the door . He paused , hand halfway to the doorknob , and stood there for a brief moment as he debated using the Sparklock Spell to make things easier . He eventually decided against it with a sigh ; as nice as convenience was , keeping a good secret was more important . He opened the door to the hallway , stepping out and making a beeline to the costume shop . It was a short trip , considering the school 's layout , but when he arrived , the costume crew itself seemed abscent . " Oh right . First period class , " he muttered to himself , flipping to an empty piece of paper and scrawling a note before placing it atop a rumpled costume . He exited , closing the door behind him quietly . Next , the auditioners . Hopefully nobody would bother him on the way over . RottenLuck Offline Last seen : 12 hours 45 min ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 " Wow time manipulation . That " Wow time manipulation . That 's kind of rare isn 't it . Me technically I 'm a normal kid , just I have this . " He pulled up the back of his shirt and showed off the cybernetic spine . " A successful failure . It repaired the damage to my back was only supposed to be three vertebrae but it kept growing replacing my entire spine now it going into my skull and taking over my entire nervous system . Even my sensory nerves are being replaced I used to need glasses when I was a kid now my eyesight better than normal . So much so I almost have a six sense . " He took a step back from the punching back and activated his overclocking abilities his spine lit up as the artificial nerves went into high speed . Then the delivered about ten punches to the punching bag in the same spot in about 4 seconds so he was pulling about 2 and half punches per second . Then it was over and the spine went dim as he caught his breath " Not quite super speed , but getting there , and I can only do it in short bursts . " " So , Connor , right ? " She smiles , and he would note she didn 't have to fish for his name like other students would if they didn 't know him , she clearly paid attention . She then adds with a smirk . Stalker Offline Last seen : 1 day 6 hours ago Joined : 05 / 21 / 2014 - 20 : 28 Finally Vince made it to the Finally Vince made it to the Principle 's office . Eyes were watching the halls , so he made the subtle move of simply placing the signed piece of paper int he Principle 's in - mailbox . He 'd been excused from first period class to take care of this , so He 'd have to catch the second period class session to start his day and meet anyone really . Until then . . . He decided to just chill in the cafeteria playing a little bit of Clicky Cape and snacking on twizzlers . The table he picked was off to a corner , his back to a wall and such . He wore a pair of normal earphones ; a cheap , 2 dollar , over the ear folding pair . Nerdy sound tracks played while he mindlessly flew his clicky cape hero between buildings to try to beat his highscore . RottenLuck Offline Last seen : 12 hours 45 min ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 " Well go ask the coach to use " Well go ask the coach to use the Danger Room . Were supposed to learn to control our abilities here that why we have a state of the art gym . Think you can even set the gravity in those rooms to higher than earth normal . Thought I don 't know personally haven 't used them . " Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 " Danger zone , huh ? " Damon " Danger room , huh ? " Damon said , thought for a moment , then added : " Not a bad idea . " Damon walked over to the coach and asked : " May I use the danger room ? " then quickly added : " This gym is useless for me , i 'm lifting wooden sticks here at the maximum weight on the weight bar . " Gideon Cross Offline Last seen : 2 days 18 hours ago Joined : 08 / 30 / 2013 - 19 : 04 Shepherd had entered the Shepherd had entered the school a he was being given a tour of the facilities . He had been planning on tutoring after seeing Toni and Rose in action . They peaked his interest in the fight . He figured if he could help them and others learn to control their powers more it would be a good way for him to keep busy on the days he wasn 't in the TCPD . " The weapons and obstacles that are erected will not kill you , but adapt to your limits . However , if at any time this gets too much , call out to ESSI , she is monitoring the room as we speak . " With that , he escorts the nonpowered boys out of the now Danger Room , before shouting as he leaves . Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 " Now this is more like it . " " Now this is more like it . " Damon said , then walked over to a one ton car . " Can you set these up with chains so it 's more comfortable to lift these ? It 's not like the car will lose any weight . " D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 6 days ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 Connor raises an eyebrow , and Connor raises an eyebrow , and begins pulling the rack out and into the next room . " . . . Right , " he says after a moment , looking at Rose with a furrowed brow . Something felt . . . Odd . " I 've seen you around school , passed you on the stage . " She then added as they rolled the rack down the hallway . " What ; d you THINK I meant ? " She asks with a smile . He shakes his head again , doing his best to avoid eye contact with the janitor that had passed away several months ago , before deciding to change the subject . " . . . So you 're Rose , right ? I 'm supposed to tell you to stay afterwards for your first rehearsal . " Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 " Incredible . " Damon said , " Incredible . " Damon said , then grabbing the chain to a one ton car with both hands and pulling it down , lifting the car upwards . He had no problem lifting it , but it was obvious he was putting in more effort than with the weights previously . After lifting the car a few times he decided to go to a two ton car , grabbing the chain and pulling it . He managed to lift this one as well and continued to lift it up and down for a moment , then moved on to a three ton car . He grabbed the chain and pulled it , able to lift this one as well , but lifted and lowered it only one time . He went on to a five ton car and grabbed the chain , pulling it downwards . He was able to lift it , but required more effort . He decided to stick with five tons for now , lifting it up and down . " He looks sad . . . I don 't think he was respected very well before he died , so at the very least we can try now . " With that said , she moves to pick up several items of trash left by careless students and depositing it in a wastebin . Turning back to Connor with a smile , she replies , probably answering his question . RottenLuck Offline Last seen : 12 hours 45 min ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 In the seats watching the In the seats watching the stage was the wayward spirit Misty Sinclair . She didn 't expect anyone to notice her she was relaxed and wasn 't making herself material . Those who could see her would see she had her feet propped up on the seat and would be revealing given she has a very short leather skirt on . Dressed like a Goth girl her outfit was once black now she 's dead it comes out a gray variation . If someone really focus on her arms they were see fant puncture marks for needles . She was also being annoying though she believed no one could hear her making cat calls and insulting those on stage . " What is this a Elementary school production ? I seen better at a kindergarten show ! " At the Gym Robert went to the sparing dummies . The ones if you hit one arm the other spins around to hit you . It was great practice learning how to attack and switch to blocking fast . The harder you hit the faster you have to block . Just what he needed to work on . D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 6 days ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 Connor sighs . " . . . I had a Connor sighs . " . . . I had a feeling that 's what you meant , " he says , looking back at the janitor . " I 've been having regular conversations with that guy from the day he died . Considering nobody talked to him anyway , I wonder if he even knows he 's dead . " He looks back at Rose . " Connor Gateman , current Wicket Door , if that makes any sense to you . " RottenLuck Offline Last seen : 12 hours 45 min ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 " Oh my ! It 's freaky when " Oh my ! It 's freaky when people notice me like that ! What the matter deary can 't take a little criticism . " She laughed " Besides I hate scaring kids I may be a pain , but I 'm not a monster . " She then sticks her tongue out at Rose " Go right ahead make yourself look foolish no one else can see me . . . . wait can anyone else see me ? " She stands up and turns around bending over flashing Rose " I was so sure I was invisible to live folk . " D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 6 days ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 " We can all see you . Best " We can all see you . Best Ghost Ever , ten out of ten , " Connor said passively as he attended to the costume rack . Hopefully two people would be enough to pull off the bluff . Faceless Offline Last seen : 1 year 6 months ago Joined : 05 / 22 / 2014 - 12 : 24 Damon stopped lifting the Damon stopped lifting the five ton car and turned to the exit . On his way out he noticed Dennis lifting up ten tons without problem . " Enough for me today , I 've got other classes to catch . " He said to the coach before leaving the danger room . " Rosella Burdelon , latest with in the Burdelon line and voodoo priestess when it suits me . And don 't worry , they are too engrossed in the script to noticed . . . and no I mean like moreso than the rest of us , it 's kinda creepy . " She points to the circle of students backstage , eyeing the script like it 's a godsend . Leaving the rack near the left curtain , she turns to lead Connor near Misty so it appears like a regular conversation . . . mostly . D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 6 days ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 " Job summary , Death 's " Job summary , Death 's Paperboy , " he says in complete deadpan , rolling his eyes slightly before lowering his voice , " when people die , I 'm the doorman and the welcoming committee . When someone starts going on a murderous rampage , it 's my job to , you know , stop . . . That , " he says , waving vaguely . " Fun job . Wonderful benefits . " RottenLuck Offline Last seen : 12 hours 45 min ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 " Don 't worry about little old " Don 't worry about little old me . I even saved your lives . . . well okay I just fought a battle with some creepy demon things . Just it so BOOORING being dead . " She looked to the group of students with the scrips . Being closer they could guess her age was about 19 or 20 . She rose up and flew over to them and yanked the scrip out of one of the students hands . He blinked and looked to the script " Seems I have a case of butter fingers . " He reached down to pick it up as Misty returned to her seat . D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 6 days ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 Connor shrugs , towing the Connor shrugs , towing the clothing rack to where it had to be . " You 'll figure it out , " he said with a sigh as he checked his clipboard for a moment , " or . . . Something . " He looks up , then turns a page on his board over . Near the wall of the danger room , Alicia Crane sits by herself , rreading a book . Considering she isn 't watching the jocks do their thing , nor doing anything herself , it seems odd that she would pick a training room as a place to sit , let alone read . Every once in a while , the other students cast glances in her direction , none of them seeming all that favorable . RottenLuck Offline Last seen : 12 hours 45 min ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 Gym was about over for Robert Gym was about over for Robert so he ended his practice and went for the locker room to change . Removing his shirt before he fully went in his body wasn 't buffed it was a lean build more for speed then power . Right before he reached the locker room his back flared and he stumbled bracing himself against the wall as the power surge raced along his artificial nerves . He knew what it meant , somewhere in his body new nanites were taking over extending the network and augmenting more of his natural body . He stumiched down the fear . . how long till he was technically a machine ? " I told the witch doctor I was in love with you . And then the witch doctor , he told me what to do . He said that . . . . Ooo eee , ooo ah ah ting tang Walla walla , bing bang Ooo eee , ooo ah ah ting tang Walla walla , bing bang . . . " She laughed . " I want everyone here after school for the first rehearsal , including you Mister Gateman ! " He adds before stepping out himself to head backstage . Rose turns back to Connor with a smile . " We can take care of it after school , and don 't worry , secret 's safe with me . " With that said , she heads to her locker to retrieve her American History textbook , hoping that her next class would be mostly uneventful . RottenLuck Offline Last seen : 12 hours 45 min ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 " Don 't worry about me cutie . " Don 't worry about me cutie . Who am I going to tell ? The Janitor ? " Misty said now that the auditions were over there wasn 't really anything to pick on so she drifted up in the air and floated for the doors . " Do they still shower after Gym class ? " Gladatoria Offline Last seen : 6 days 2 hours ago Joined : 09 / 08 / 2013 - 14 : 20 Rosella , almost on a second Rosella , almost on a second thought , realized that one , she was so out of it she didn 't realize she had a free period , and that History was not until third . Placing the book sheepishly back in her locker , she returned to the Auditorium to find it mostly empty save for Toni , Connor , and Misty . Entering quietly , she decided to rarely and openly practice her abilities , willing herself to invisibility as she travels to her friend 's position . Seating herself right beside Misty , she allows herself to return to visibility in a emerald haze , sitting crosslegged like she had been there the entire time . Foradain Offline Last seen : 1 hour 12 min ago Joined : 10 / 25 / 2013 - 21 : 06 Toni noticed Rose talking to Toni noticed Rose talking to thin air , so he concentrated on a spell Setzer had taught him . It let him see Misty , vaguely , and hear her . But she was leaving , so he didn 't worry about her . He noticed Shepherd being given a tour , and Connor checking his notepad . " What 's up , Connor ? Caught the acting bug ? " RottenLuck Offline Last seen : 12 hours 45 min ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 Misty stopped spotting Misty stopped spotting Shepherd " Hey I know that guy . " Makes a face " Really what 's the point of being invisible and unnoticed if like half the people in the room can see and hear you ! That 's like cheating ! " D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 6 days ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 Connor looks up for a moment , Connor looks up for a moment , shakes his head , then looks back down at the clipboard . " I 'm stage managing . Not acting , " he says plainly , flipping another page over before looking up . " Wait , you 're not part of the cast , are you ? " Foradain Offline Last seen : 1 hour 12 min ago Joined : 10 / 25 / 2013 - 21 : 06 " Anthony Mercer . " It " Anthony Mercer . " It probably wasn 't down as Toni . . . Stalker Offline Last seen : 1 day 6 hours ago Joined : 05 / 21 / 2014 - 20 : 28 Finally , second period was Finally , second period was starting up . Anything was better than sitting alone in the cafeteria for the past hour or so . Well . . . Technically speaking , some huge guy had come through , but he seemed more content to just eat on his own than to chit - chat . Either way , Vince closed down his game of Clicky Cape and stashed his headphones and made his way to class . He stopped by his locker to pick out his book for the class and seemed to linger a minute longer than he needed to , letting out a sigh . He didn 't know anybody here . Not really . He 'd been transferred in just today , so what point was there to try very hard right away ? He pressed his forehead against the cool aluminum shelf in the middle of his locker and shut his eyes for a second . Just taking in the sounds and the hustle - bustle of the students talking between classes . He noted the social groups all around him . The geekier kids who focused on studies . The nerdier kids who cared more for different media . The sports kids and drama kids , and then there were the odd ones out . The supers . They were Pariah 's and idols at the same time . Something to be jealous of , but also fearful of . . . Where did he actually belong then ? Finally , he clicked his door shut and gave the dial a careless spin . Some students lodged paperclips into their lockers to make it easier to open later , but Vince certainly didn 't trust this peer - group right now . Finally he made his way to his sciences class . He walked in with the stragglers , taking a seat near the back , and closer to the window . A good place to not be noticed . He liked the subject . Science . It seemed to hold secrets to unlock the universe , though the current class was much more simple . Chemistry at least meant he 'd be forced into pairing up with another student at some point . He 'd try to make friends then . . . That is , unless the teacher made him introduce himself first . Xselcier Offline Last seen : 1 week 9 hours ago Joined : 08 / 26 / 2013 - 11 : 54 " Mr . Cain ! What have I told " Mr . Cain ! What have I told you about defacing private property ? " said a harsh Arabic voice from behind Dennis as all the snacks he 'd taken from the machine left his arms and pockets . The orderly line of bagged chips and candy bars floated back to the machine , slotting themselves back in to the springs . As they did this , the man speaking walked around in front of Dennis . It was Mr . Al - Zawari , Biochemistry teacher and resident telekinetic . - Putting yourself in another persons shoes emotionally is something that everyone has to experience eventually . It 's part of learning to be a human being . Roleplayers do it for fun . D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 6 days ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 Connor looks up again , his Connor looks up again , his brow furrowed at Rose 's odd choice of words . " Am I alright what ? " He says , looking back down at his clipboard for a moment before looking back up at her . He then looks to Toni , and after scanning his pages for the ' alternative ' name that he had offered , gave a nod of approval before adding a small checkmark to the side with his pencil . " I 'm uh . . . I 'm fine , I 'm fine . Just concentrating . Mostly . " Xselcier Offline Last seen : 1 week 9 hours ago Joined : 08 / 26 / 2013 - 11 : 54 " Thank you for your input , Ms " Thank you for your input , Ms . Crane . But Mr . Cain has been warned about this infraction before . " Mr . Al - Zawari said , looking over at the quiet girl and nodding . - Putting yourself in another persons shoes emotionally is something that everyone has to experience eventually . It 's part of learning to be a human being . Roleplayers do it for fun . RottenLuck Offline Last seen : 12 hours 45 min ago Joined : 12 / 05 / 2012 - 20 : 32 Misty laughed " Oh well I 'm Misty laughed " Oh well I 'm sure if this was my only haunting ground I could think of some ways to entertain myself . Luckily it seems I 'm bound to Titan City itself and can go anywhere in it 's limits . Right now I 'm going to scout around . Perhaps a group who aren 't composed of Mediums . After all what else is a Poltergeist to do then cause mischief ! " Then Misty flew through the wall laughing . Robert ran into science class just as the bell rang and settled down at a table noting a new kid in class . He reached over to offer a handshake to Vince . " Hey , I 'm Robert Tanner nice to meet you . " Unknown to Robert his eyes were now silvery the modifications the nanites made were to his very eyes . " Mr Al - Zawari is right , you have been warned about this larceny before Mr . Cain . As such , three days of after school detention starting today , and you must work to help repair the machine you so haphazardly destroyed , the right way . " The holographic figure then turns to Alicia , as she states further . " Miss Crane , Principal Ellis would like to speak with you during 6th period . Her room is opposite the library , A104 . " With that , she fades away in a blue haze . D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 6 days ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 " Uh huh , " Connor says in " Uh huh , " Connor says in response to Rose 's explanation , apparently not seeming to think it was all that strange despite his original reaction . He watches Toni carefully as he peeks at the clipboard . . . But there are no roles there . All that 's listed is a hand - written attendance sheet . " If you 're looking for something specific , you should try asking Miss Hall , she 's the director , " Connor says , flipping to another page before checking over another list of handwritten notes , " all that Mister Theroux and I have are technical notes and things that have to get done , " he says with a shrug . Foradain Offline Last seen : 1 hour 12 min ago Joined : 10 / 25 / 2013 - 21 : 06 " Yeap , she 's bilingual . Me , " Yeap , she 's bilingual . Me , I have to study French , in about three minutes . Guess I 'll be seeing you later , Rose ! " Toni headed off to his French class . " I imagine you also have a free period as well ? And out of curiosity , are you alright ? " She looks him over with a pair of piercing emerald eyes , and her tone makes it clear she actually , genuinely cares . D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 6 days ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 " Stage managers skip class " Stage managers skip class during tech periods because we have things to do , " Connor says , looking up at her for a few moments . He frowned a bit , seeming a bit puzzled as to why she was staring at him , but ultimately didn 't seem too disturbed by it . After a few more seconds of checking things off , he walked over to a nearby chair , sitting down and tucking his pencil into the clip on his clipboard with a sigh . " Yeah . I 'm fine . Just tired , " he says after reclining a bit . " Sleeping trouble . " Alicia nods politely , looking to ESSI for a moment more in acknowledgement . " Yes ma ' am . I 'll head over right away . " Seemingly , she meant it , immediately making her way along the same route that Dennis had taken a few moments earlier , passing by his locker on the way to the principle 's office . She takes a deep breath upon reaching the door , then slowly , carefully reaches up and gives the door two knocks . Despite the delicacy of the moment , they still come off as quite loud . At the very least however , it wasn 't door - shattering . " So many people in this city , you must be overworked ferrying them to the afterlife . " Deduces , before inquiring . " Do you enjoy being the Wicket Door ? " " Since I imagine ESSI informed you of our reason for meeting , I 'll be frank . In the heat of the unnessecary fanfare against your enrollment here , my colleagues neglected to ask how you personally feel about the parameters in place , and arranging your classes for your safety and comfort as well as other students . So in short : what is your stance in the matter and how would you like to modify your status , Alicia ? " She then offers a disarming smile , and a hand to shake , the other occupied with manifesting a cobalt force field the size of a plate , and maneuvering a pot of green tea and two china teacups to the coffee table before them both . D - Pad Offline Last seen : 2 months 6 days ago Joined : 09 / 15 / 2013 - 14 : 34 Connor shrugs , rubbing his Connor shrugs , rubbing his eyes for a brief moment afterwards . " Depends . Sometimes it 's sort - of annoying . Other times , you get a decent amount of satisfaction knowing that you 're helping people finally find peace , " he says with a shrug , " especially since there isn 't really much to be found around here , at least most of the time , " he adds under his breath . He turns , looking up to where the ghost had been a few moments before , and after failing to see her there , instead sighs and turns his gaze to the lighting fixtures above the stage . " Though I suppose it could be worse . I haven 't run into any Reapers just yet . " Alicia shakes the principle 's hand and takes a seat , but offers nothing in return other than the slightest of smiles . She sits almost stoically , with her hands in her lap , and her back straight , the power lines on her bracers and the central power note on her belt glowing softly , along with her white eyes . " . . . I 'm not sure I follow , " she says after a moment of silence , " if by my status , you mean my class lineup , then I think it would be best to keep the safety of others as a top concern , " she says , her voice somewhat emotionless . At least outwardly , it 's a bit difficult to tell how she truly feels about her current situation . Stalker Offline Last seen : 1 day 6 hours ago Joined : 05 / 21 / 2014 - 20 : 28 Vince looked up at the Vince looked up at the partially nanite 'd teen with a slight bewilderment . Piercing metallic eyes looked back down at him , but they weren 't judging for the moment . Rather , it was the eyes of the normal students that seemed to be judging the two at the moment . Had he managed to not be noticed by the others that easily ? - - " Vince . " He replied abruptly , shaking the hand with a quick grip and a single up and down motion . " - - transfered in today . " he added , shifting an arm to cover a doodle on his binder . It was just one of those . . . S things . You know , the really geometric things that show up on at least half a dozen binders during school . Yeah , you know . . . The S - thing ! http : / / i . imgur . com / U9IsW . jpg It wasn 't an important detail really , though the freehand lines came out decent , and he 'd used pen only , so that meant he could probably draw alright ? Who knew . Besides that one doodle , the binder looked clean .
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I went to the temple today in the middle of the day , and it was just what I needed . It felt good to just be there and not worry about things . My mind did start to wander a few times , but not for long . I brought it back to the important moment at hand . I 'm trying this new thing called putting my priorities in line , ' cause , hey - - no one likes a hypocrite . I spoke in church a few weeks ago about the importance of priorities when it comes to relationships , and mine with God can always be improved upon . I 'm looking forward to the General Conference of the church this weekend . Some of my favs to look out for are : Henry B . Eyring ( I love an emotional man , what can I say ? He always moves me . ) Jeffrey R . Holland ( The guy nails it every time . Whatever he says is just what I need to hear . Always . ) And , of course , President Thomas S . Monson , the living prophet of God . Yeah , I 'd say I definitely am looking forward to hearing his words , ' cause really , they 're God 's . This conference couldn 't come at a better time of my life . I 'm in the last weeks of my education , about to embark on a new part of my life . Direction is what I 'm looking for and is exactly what I will find this weekend . For that , I am grateful . One of my favorite children 's books of all time is : This sweet little bird who hatched while his mother is away getting him food , goes searching for his mother . He approaches various animals and objects , each time asking them , " Are you my mother ? " . He cannot seem to find her , and eventually shouts in desperation , " I want my mother ! " . As fate would have it , he makes it back to the nest just as his mother is returning , and they are happily reunited . I don 't know why this particular book popped into my mind just now , except for the fact that today is my mother 's birthday , and I 'm so grateful that she is MY mother . And also grateful to know that I , too , will soon be reunited with her . There ! That 's the connection . ha . I knew it was somewhere . I 'm a nerd , I know . But my mom would never say so . She also would never tell anyone how often it is that I 've shouted , " I want my mother ! " demonstrated by calling her multiple times a week , doing most of the talking in our conversations , complaining about this and that . Mom , you 're so patient and kind and understanding . I would be so annoyed with me over the years , at my neediness and negative attitude sometimes . YOU ' RE THE GREATEST MOTHER , EVER , MOM ! I LOVE YOU ! ! ! Happy Birthday ! ! ! : ) Okay , so I 'm already counting down . Duh . I have only five weeks until classes end . FIVE . That 's a big deal . I can count that on one hand . While it will be strange to close this seemingly everlasting chapter of my life as a student , I think I 'm ready for it . I 'm about to be a " professional . " Not saying I 'm highly skilled in the career field about to embark on , just yet , but that I 'm about to begin the career chapter of my life . And what 's going through my mind these days is , I better prepare myself to feel like a " grown up " . Let 's be honest , being a student has kept me in this perpetual world of feeling like a kid . What 's added to this feeling is the fact that I 've yet to marry and have children . I think that would also make me feel " grown up " . But alas , a student only have I been , and it 's been . . . fun ? I swear I 've been on this educational path not completely by choice . While a lot of it has been fun , it 's been really hard work and sometimes I 've wondered why I 've kept going . I like to think and also believe that someone else had this educational path in mind for me . How I explain maybe not always loving what I do , but feeling like it 's what I 'm supposed to be doing is summed up in this scripture : " And be not conformed to this world : but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind , that ye may prove what is that good , and acceptable , and perfect , will of God " - Romans 12 : 2I feel like this educational path I 've walked down has been largely God 's will . And that I came to New York to experience what I have , resulting in shaping who I am and what I am to become . For that , I 'm grateful . And not just the educational path , but all paths I go down lead me to who I am . It 's just that the educational path has definitely been the most prominent in my life , so far . I 'm excited to walk down others soon . Lately I feel like I 've been posting about things on Facebook and then coming on here and blogging about it , hence , the title of this post . But I cannot resist writing of this topic in more depth on here . The new Broadway musical , just opened and I 've been reading a lot of reviews / opinions on it from both Mormons and non - Mormons . You can guess what that 's been like . It 's strange , actually , reading reviews from members of the church who have seen the show . One person said something like , " well , those who are more conservative or the really righteous Mormons probably shouldn 't go see it - - they 'll be offended . " This sort of statement boggles my mind . If one Mormon is offended by the content , wouldn 't or shouldn 't all be offended , especially if it 's targeting the beliefs and doctrine ? Forget that it 's strange . All religions have strange things about them , and people have claimed that this musical doesn 't just make fun of the Mormon religion , but all religions ( so , that makes it okay , right ? ) . At first , I wasn 't offended , but more irritated and confused by it all . And then I kept reading about it and some details of what is said and occurs during the play was enough for me to change my mind . I 'm all for poking fun and laughing at our quirky Mormon culture ways , history , whathaveyou . But when the fun targets sacred doctrine , that 's another story . So , the guys who do the show " South Park " are known for their satire . They LIVE and THRIVE on making fun of other people , namely groups of a certain types of people , whether it 's political , racial , or religious , etc . These are the guys behind this show , and they think Mormons are idiots , albeit , kind idiots ( one article quoted one of the two guys saying he never met a Mormon he didn 't like ) . Have they poked fun at the Mormon religion and it 's culture and people before ? Yes . You could say they 've been " beating a dead horse " for decades . It 's not a big surprise that their musical is no different . In fact , from what I 've read , it sounds a lot worse , as in more offensive ( which makePosted by All this time I have been in New York City , and still I hadn 't experienced any celebrity sightings . Although , I did see the main woman from " Law & Order : SVU " ( Mariska Hargitay ) in Central Park my first summer here , but would 've never known it if it had not been pointed out to me . I also swear I once saw Jennifer Garner walking out of Central Park while talking on her cell phone . But anyway , now I can say I 've seen and recognized two people in the biz . Both sightings are of men who are not the most popular or famous celebrities . In fact , they probably go throughout their days with not many people catching on to who they are . It was fun for me to recognize them . The first sighting was as I walking up Columbus Avenue ( near my apartment ) with a friend . A man was walking toward us and I happened to look at him and catch his eye . He looked familiar to me and I couldn 't place it at first . A few hours later I remembered that he was in one of my favorite movies of the 80s , " Chances Are " . He 's been in other things , but this is the one that stuck out to me ( the main character is a young , very attractive Robert Downey , Jr . so , duh . Of course I remembered that one ) . But anyway , this is him , Joe Grifasi ! He 's also been on " Law & Order " and movies like " 13 Going on 30 " . More of a TV guy , I think . He lays low . The second celeb sighting was the one and only Joel Godard , former announcer for " Late Night with Conan O ' Brien " ! Okay , so this one I was super excited about . I was an avid Conan watcher for many years , and for sure remember this guy : I asked how long he was the announcer on the show and he said 17 seasons ! That 's a long time . The writers / producers / whoever on that show had him doing some really strange things , at times . He always had this huge , kinda crazy smile on his face , no matter what they had him saying or doing . But anyway , I saw him waiting at my bus stop near my internship on the Upper East Side . He was waiting for the same bus . When I stared long enough to know it was him for sure , I went up to him and asked if he wPosted by After a long , snowy winter , I 'm excited to exclaim that it 's officially Spring ! See ? ! The tulips and other plants are popping up from the earth . It 's a beautiful sight to behold . Enter rainy season . Now if I could just find rain boots that don 't rub against my feet ! Yep , the striped ones are going back . My stupid feet and their sensitivities . Well , the last Spring Break of my life is over . I am quite satisfied with it , as it has felt exceptionally long . I feel like I haven 't been to work in a month ! I did have those two classes , so I can 't say the same for school , but honestly , a break from my internship was what I really needed . It 's hard to stay motivated doing really hard work when not being paid for it . I should want to help people out of the goodness of my heart , and I can say that I have really gone the extra mile quite often in my non - paid internship - - I realize that I 'm there to gain the experience and am grateful for it . But anyway , it was a great week off and I feel rejuvenated . Friday was the most gorgeous day ever . It was almost 70 degrees . I babysat and we went to a playground in Central Park . Here 's adorable Ava : I love her ! I can 't believe I didn 't take any of Brandon . I 'm not playing favorites , I promise . It is the age , though . I must say between one and two years is my fav . Afterward I went around the shops in the area and found a gem in a thrift store : How could anyone give this away ? ! ? I actually saw the album " Ten " , Pearl Jam 's first album , as well ! Unbelievable . And then , my eyes saw this and I purchased without hesitation : This movie is one of the main memories I have of when my sisters , cousins , and I would spend the night at my grandma and grandpa Koch 's house ! " Flash ! Aaaaaaaah ! " Oh yes . I can 't wait to watch this . There IS a VHS player in my apartment . And to close my week I went 80s dancing with some friends at a club called The Pyramid . I 'm rarely in the mood to go dancing - - I don 't know why . But when I do go , I 'm always glad I did . It was a lot of fun . Good people and good music = good times . I didn 't exactly where green today . I stayed home and relaxed , then did some homework , then babysat tonight . Yes , there was parade festivities I missed out on and parties elsewhere , but that 's okay . I saw the parade here in New York last year when my mom and sister were here visiting . I also saw it when I was visited NYC for my first time ever in 2001 . The parade here is the longest running St . Patty 's parade in history ! It first began in 1762 . That 's before the Declaration of Independence was even signed ! Crazy . And I don 't mean to be sacrilegious with the title of this post . I think any holiday that celebrates the arrival of Christianity to any country is worth a day of recognition . Most of what I see happen on March 17th ( or March 12th if you 're in Philadelphia ) is people wearing green and getting drunk and not thinking of any saint at all . Pardon the foul language above , but I think I 've made my point . I went to day two ( and the last ) of my mini course , " Outcome Management " . To be honest , today was tougher to sit through than yesterday . I was so bored after the halfway point and it showed . I started doodling in the margins of my notes , which is always a sure sign I 've checked out . While I believe that good management makes a big impact on the outcome of program services , I just don 't have the brain for management thinking . I told the class ( of 6 students and 1 professor ) , I 'm weird because I 'd rather be told what to do than to tell others what to do . Give me a task and I 'll get it done , but don 't ask me how to tell someone else how to do something . That 's just the way I am , and I don 't mind . After class , I went to DSW to use my $ 5 off birthday coupon ! I 've been in desperate need of new rain boots - - ones that actually fit me and don 't leak ! So , behold ! They 're adorable and thanks to Megan for helping me decide between two designs via picture text ! I babysat some adorable kids tonight after shopping . One is only four months old . Feeding him a bottle and wrapping him in a blanket made me super excited to hold my new nephews ! Ugh ! I can 't wait . But , this has to happen , first : I got this in the mail today . Eeeek ! I can 't believe it . I also can 't believe this : Only in New York are there New York City - themed paper goods . My last ever Spring Break is off to a grand start ! I slept in Monday and stayed in all day , did laundry , watched " Pride and Prejudice " . I don 't know what it is about that movie , but it makes me want love , even though the characters , Lizzie ( aka : me ) and Mr . Darcy ( aka : the man I 've yet to meet ) , have quite the rocky start . He 's proud and she 's prejudice . Pride and prejudice ! A genius title . Then , today I had day one of a two - day mini class I signed up for as an elective ( during Spring Break ? ! I know , it is kinda crazy ) . It wasn 't so bad . I was there at 10 am and out by 3 : 30 pm and onto Times Square to try and win tickets to see " Wicked " . And guess what ? ! It worked ! Well , technically , my friend Veronica won tickets . Her name got drawn and I got to benefit from it ! I put up a Facebook post , asking if anyone wanted to join me to up the odds of winning , and Veronica literally upped the odds BY winning ! Amazing . The show was amazing . The seats we had were amazing , as were the costumes , music , singing , acting , the set , etc . All wonderfully amazing . I 'm so happy I finally saw that show . To make the night even greater , we got dinner beforehand at this place called Juniors that is know for its cheesecake . We got burgers and fries that came with the largest onion rings I 've ever seen . And then , of course , we shared a cheesecake . It was the best cheesecake I think I 've ever had . What a fantastic night ! And all that for under 50 bucks ! Those who know me well know I have the tendency to be spontaneous in life . When I was 20 years old , I decided to move to California and within two months I was there . Same with Utah - - decided to move , was there a month later . Road trips happen quickly , too . And last weekend was just that . I heard my friend was going to Philadelphia , inquired about it , and she told me to come along ! So , I did . And it was awesome . I had no idea that Philadelphia was only two hours away by bus . If I had know that , I would 've gone long ago , I think . I only went for one night and a day , because I was speaking in church the next day . Still , it was really fun . There was definitely more I could 've done and seen , but it actually was a perfect day and a half trip . I loved getting out of NYC and into a smaller , cleaner city for a change . I can check Philly off my list of major cities , now . See below for evidence of what I saw and did : First place I saw was good ol ' TJ 's . I stopped in and bought a toothbrush . Second stop , Jim 's Steaks for a cheesesteak sandwich ! Third stop , a place listed as a " chocolate bar " called Golosa . Yes , please ! The hot chocolate and desserts here were amazing . The owner is an award - winning chocolatier and this is the only shop in the whole country that has his chocolates . I ordered flower tea and a biscotti cookie sampler that was priced as one item on the menu . Only $ 6 . 75 ! I love non - New York prices ! And look at this presentation ! Adorable . This is the hostel we stayed in , called Chamounix Mansion : It used to be an old mansion with amazing common rooms , like this oneAnd this was outside the room we stayed in . A nice touch , right ? Breakfast at this place called Green Eggs Cafe was amazing . I ordered an item called the " Kitchen Sink " . It was a delicious conglomerate of eggs , cheese , potatoes , red and green peppers , onions , with fresh biscuits and gravy on top . It was so good ! And so much food ! First stop after breakfast , Philadelphia Museum of Art ! Yes , that is a statue of Rocky outside , since here is where he ran up the stPosted by This kind of stuff makes me so mad . These two items cost the same . You would think the one that looks bigger would have more material . Think again ! That massive package on the right is HALF of what is on the left . HALF ! I 'm onto you Oral B . Slap the word " Ultra " on a product and make the package bigger and sucker those people into thinking they 're getting a great deal . Whatever . Glide is better anyway . Seriously . Have you TRIED their Deep Clean floss ? ! It will change your life ! I had a fantastic birthday week last week . I spent it eating good food and hanging out with great people . That 's all anyone needs in life , right ? ? Basically . I went to see " Driving Miss Daisy " on Broadwaystarring James Earl Jones ! ! It was really cool to see him live and in action . He was excellent , of course . I 'm glad I saw that play now , because it 's ending soon . And also , he 's getting pretty old ! I 'll always love that Darth Vader voice of his . On an older and wiser note , I feel like I have learned a lot about myself these nearly two years in New York , things I like about myself and things I don 't like . One thing i don 't like is that the older I get , the more overwhelmed I feel about life . Not good , right ? Well , let 's just say that 's normal . More life means more responsibility . And more responsibility means more stress . I guess it 's the way I learn to handle that stress that matters . Cheese fries , anyone ? ? The first few months to 2011 have been a little bit unreal . I 'm realizing that I 'm at the age where major life changes are happening all around me , ALL the time . Babies upon babies are being born to my family and friends , and death is taking its toll on my loved ones , too . My best friend 's dad passed away yesterday . We have been talking over the last week or so about him , and she has kept me posted about his progress . He battled cancer multiple times , among other ailments throughout his life , and this time what the doctors tried in order to help him just wasn 't working . My heart aches for her and her family , and the hardest part is being so far away from them at such a time ( I love you , Megan ) . Not that I could do anything to change how they feel , but just being able to be present and sit with loved ones in times of mourning is a good thing . I was homesick before , but now , after all that has been going on at home , the homesickness is escalating . And the fact that I 'm so close now to actually moving back to Las Vegas , it 's even worse , which is ironic . I know it 's coming , so it makes it harder to hold out till the end . I can do it , though . Besides , I don 't have a choice . I 've been asked to speak in church in a few weeks , and the topic couldn 't be more fitting for me right now - - " priorities in our lives " . With everything going on at home , I think it 's obvious of what my focus is going to be . That , and I think it 's a subtle hint from God that I could use some review on the subject and apply it to my own life . An article was shared with me to use when preparing my talk , and I thought I 'd share ithere . . . I was born ! ! ! Today is the day I entered the world , a mere 31 years ago . Time flies when you 're having fun ! Seriously , my life has been pretty stinkin ' good , so far . I know I 've complained PLENTY over the years , but I cannot deny what I 've been given . It is much . Very , very much . So far today , I got to sleep in a little bit and wake up at my favorite time to wake up ( 9 am ) . Bliss ! Then , I ate a delicious homemade sandwich with some of my favorite things on it - - rosemary ham , avocado , tomato , provolone cheese - - with my favorite chips ( Sun Chips Original ) and carrots and celery . Next , I get to be a part of a mom and a baby reuniting for good . Tonight , it 's on to the Shake Shack for my favorite hamburger and fries in the city ! I heard they give out a free custard on your birthday ! ! Free ice cream , here I come ! Like I said , life is good . : ) UPDATE : So , I went to Shake Shack and this was their featured menu today ! Banana Bread - flavored custard ? ! ! ? I thought I was dreaming . A few sweet friends bought me a big scoop of it and we devoured it ! Delish ! ! ! I also wanted to point out , I didn 't have to wait for a single bus or subway today ! They all were arriving just as I did ! Seriously a birthday miracle and gift . Made my day . And last , but not least , my Netflix arrived in the mail today and it 's " Daria , " the animated show that was on MTV in the late 90s ! I loved this show ! I watched the first episode . So good . A roommate surprised me with a card and a movie theater gift card and another roommate bought me a cake and candles ! Like I said , I live a good life . I can go to sleep thoroughly satisfied .
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" Earth 's distant orb appeared the smallest light that twinkles in the heaven ; whilst round the chariot 's way innumerable systems rolled and countless spheres diffused an ever - varying glory . It was a sight of wonder : some were hornèd like the crescent moon ; some shed a mild and silver beam like Hesperus o ' er the western sea ; some dashed athwart with trains of flame , like worlds to death and ruin driven ; some shone like suns , and as the chariot passed , eclipsed all other light . " From " Queen Mab " by Percy Bysshe Shelley ( 1813 ) The Mothers Ruin is only a small venue but I 've seen some really good gigs there previously including Demon 's Claws and The Lovely Eggs . The band that Row recommended to me was Schnauser who I hadn 't seen play live before but I knew them from when I was on the radio . I liked what they had sent me then a lot and played a few tracks on the show and I 'd wanted to see them live for some time . Here are Schnauser in moody black and white , there 's John on drums , Alan on his recently purchased 12 string electric guitar and Holly on bass . They did a good set and lived up to the promise of the demo CD . Bristol gig going legend Big Jeff was in attendance , of course , and he nailed it as ever when he described Schnauser as sounding like a mix of Super Fury Animals and Ben Folds with a touch of Pavement . Big Jeff is very good at pointing out the bands that other bands resemble , mostly because is knows so many bands and has seen a lot of them play live . And of course he danced all the way through their set . Big Jeff will dance to anything . I 've seen him at a lot of gigs ; he 's always at the front and he always dances . Here he is at last night 's gig with Rowena snapping away at Schnauser . Big Jeff 's fame has spread beyond Bristol and he now enjoys a nationwide reputation with a lot of visiting bands getting to know him from his pole position in the mosh pit and his idiosyncratic dancing style . By itself this may not get him noticed but he 's at least 6 feet tall with a mane of curly blond hair and one of those faces that wouldn 't look out of place in a Sergio Leone Western . If they were ever to erect a statue of Blackbeard in Bristol , and I think they should , then Big Jeff would be the ideal model for this city 's most infamous son . He may look slightly scary but he 's a sweet guy and he really knows his music . He 's pretty good performing music too , I shall never forget his solo Manic F performance , quite brilliant and very impressive . Jeff has also appeared in an episode of " Skins " , performed on stage with Kid Suggested listening : " Kittyhawk " by Santa Dog . Having pointed out in the last couple of blogs that the images in my work don 't always have meaning , here 's one that does . It 's called " The Truth Of Atheism Burns As Bright As The Surface Of The Sun " . The green stars reference the fact that all the elements of the natural world are born in stars ; these elements are only released into the universe on the death of a star , hence the skull , which here is made of fire , like the sun . Blimey , plenty of meaning there then . When I started this picture it was meant to be another red , white and black painting but after completing the border I got the idea of doing a skull made of fire , so threw out the original idea and just went for it . It 's acrylic on canvas , 36cm x 45cm . This might be the last painting I post for a while as I start the new day job next week . I 've been working on a lot of small pictures lately so it is good to have a bigger painting completed for a change . This piece is 51cm x 40cm , acrylic on canvas and is called " Stars and Shields " for want of a better title . Once again , best not to look too deeply for meaning just enjoy the rhythm of the piece . My intention is that for each painting there is a short written work to go with it ; not quite sure what I 'm going to write to go with this one though . Anyway , here it is , I hope you like it . Also , I 've just discovered that there was a short silent Western made in 1912 called " The Cactus County Lawyer " staring an actor called George Gebhardt . More recently , there appears to be a stage musical called " Trouble In Cactus County " ( if you follow this link then click on ' past shows ' then click on ' Trouble In Cactus County ' you can read a synopsis of the show plus there 's a photo from it ) written by Ken Starcevic with songs by Simon D ' Souza . One of the characters is called Carlotta Del Rio , which is quite brilliant . I think both Ms Del Rio and Mr Gebhardt may find themselves named checked in a future written piece to accompany a painting by way of a tribute . Here 's the latest from Cactus County . First up a piece called " Three Red Stars " . I 've been working on this for ages but I think it 's finally done now . Don 't ask me what it 's about . I recently heard a quote from Samuel Beckett ( the playwright not the time travelling scientist from " Quantum Leap " ) where he advised a director of one of his plays " Don 't think about meaning , think about rhythm " and that certainly applies here . Actually , now I think about it that pretty much goes for all my work . Whatever . Unfortunately , this photo doesn 't really capture the colours correctly , the blue is darker and there is silver around the little white stars in the red circle . Acrylic on canvas , 40cm x 30cm . Next up " Calavera With Small Bird " which is acrylic on wood rather than canvas , 24 . 5cm x 28cm . This is one of my favourites . I think for once I managed to paint the skull I wanted . They don 't usually turn out quite like I plan but this one is pretty close . Now a couple of small pictures in metal frames . I got the frames from a charity shop and they kind of suggested the paintings that needed to be in them . Here are the results . And finally for the moment another deer painting " Deer Licking A Daisy " and is acrylic on wood , 13cm x 15cm . I must have a go at painting a whole deer not just its head but that 's a painting for another time . I hope there 's something here you like , check out my Flickr site , you may find something you like there , if not here . Ten days came and went so after two full weeks I got back on the phone and left a couple more messages - it was of course too much to ask that the phone would be answered by a human being but I half expected that anyway . This did the trick and the neurologist 's sectary called me back and gave me the excellent news that the scans were normal . This was a massive relief I can tell you . So all this talk of tumours was totally bogus and had me worrying for nothing . Gee thanks . That was yesterday . Today I had the complaints people at the hospital finally replying to the message I left them on the phone yesterday , again full of apologies and additionally telling me they were sorry for not getting back to me before now . Yes , I was right to be upset that I had to wait nine weeks to get the results . If I wanted to make an official complaint then that may go towards investigating what had happened and hopefully new procedures would be put in place so it didn 't happen again . What ? I 've got to make an official complaint to get that to happen ? Yes . So you already know that you have a serious problem but you won 't do anything about it till I make the complaint official ? Yes . You can 't just look into it now ? No . So let 's see if I 've got this right . The only way I got my results was for me to make a series of phone calls at my own expense after having to wait , on what we are all agreed is , an unacceptable time , during which I 've been worried sick . Now for you to make sure this doesn 't happen again , it 's down to me , again . Have I got that right ? Yes . At this point I 'm afraid the stress of the whole nine weeks since the MRI and the four weeks prior to this when my GP , sorry , former GP , had put the wind up me by talking about tumours in the first place , well , it all got to me and I had a bit of a go at the woman from complaints . No , I wasn 't going to do anything else , as far as I was concerned they already knew all the facts and should look into it without my further involvement . What if my results hadn 't been normal ? What if that two months delay was the difference between life and death ? Why should it be up to me to do more when they themselves could just find out which idiot or what poor procedure was responsible ? No , I 'm not prepared to put myself out anymore . I 'll leave it for some other poor sod to have his results delayed two months and let his grieving relatives make the complaint instead . Like I said , I lost it a bit . This all started with my homeopathic dispensing GP and his less than encouraging initial diagnosis . I 've now discovered another GP 's surgery close to my home , so I 'm going to change my GP . I would now like to point you in the direction of my friend Tessa 's recent blog which is definitely worth a read . I have an appointment with another neurologist next month . Hopefully , this one will have some ideas about what 's wrong with my foot that don 't include me being at deaths door . We 'll see but for now I 'm feeling very relieved . I can start listening to long playing records again and not stick to reading just short stories . The quest to fill the house with more crap continues a pace with some rather fine acquisitions of space themed playing cards and some old random cigarette cards . At least they don 't take up much room . We 'll start with the old random cigarette cards . As you see they are pretty random . The intention is to use individual cards in various collages with other odds and ends but I think they look pretty good all together like this . I 'll end up doing something with them though , it just needs a bit of thought . That 's one of the things I 've discovered about making art is that there is an awful lot of thinking involved . I can stare at a piece I 'm working on for ages thinking about the next step . It may seem like I 'm just throwing paint at a canvas sometime but honestly , I do have to think about it . Anyway , with these cards I also got this lot . . . It says on the back that they are " fortune telling " cards which obviously is just nonsense but they are rather nice drawings don 't you think ? They 're the same size as the other cigarette cards so quite small . Again , I was thinking of using them as part of a collage and I 'll let Mrs Kitsch have some if she wants to use them too . This is just a few of them . They 're from the Heritage series on space exploration and I like the fact that it 's pretty much up to date with drawings of the International Space Station , Spaceship One and ESA 's Planck & Herschel space observatories along with the usual space race suspects . It probably comes as no surprise to hear that I have another set of different space playing cards specifically on the race to the moon , so I thought I 'd include a few pictures of them here as well . There was a bit of space ( no pun intended ) at the end of the wallet so I filled it up with some other cards ( above ) that Mrs Kitsch got me a while back . I think they must come from some sort of game . They look pretty old and I like them a lot . Space is ace . Yesterday ( Sat 15th May ) Mrs Kitsch and I celebrated twenty one years of being a couple . Not for us the regulation trip up the aisle , we did things our own way and just decided to live together and haven 't regretted it for a moment . We did do a sort of wedding thing after being together fifteen years during a holiday in Las Vegas but that 's a blog for another time . Quite brilliant . I 'm gaining quite a collection of early space books as well as those relating more directly to the Apollo period . I like their optimism and expectation ; it 's a shame things didn 't work out like they thought . I 'd be writing this from my spaceship on the moon if they had . Regular readers of this blog may recall that as well as a thing for space , I 'm also quite keen on things Roman and have been after a book of Pliny the Younger 's letters for a while now . What 's that all about then ? I was watching a documentary on TV about the destruction of Pompeii some years ago in which they mentioned that in one of Pliny 's letters he gives his own eye witness account of seeing the eruption of mount Vesuvius . In it he describes a pyroclastic flow , possibly the first description of such an event . In fact , if I recall the documentary accurately , they said that his description was regarded as exaggeration until pyroclastic flows had been studied in modern times and everything he wrote about was then vindicated . I 've had it in mind to read that description ever since but not really got round to it . Recently I decided it was time to get hold of a copy of Plinys letters and find out more not just about the volcano but also about Pliny . It 's one of those names you hear of but don 't know anything about who he was . I could have bought a new copy of the book but wanted to get it second hand . However , despite a rather extensive search I 've not come across a copy . Mrs Kitsch did though and I 'm chuffed with it . Fantastic . But I 've saved the best till last . This book " Encounter With Tiber " written by Buzz Aldrin and John Barnes , is a science fiction novel . I knew Aldrin had written one , in fact he and Barnes have written a couple , the other one is called " The Return " . It 's another of the many , many space books on my " to get / read " list so I was chuffed when I opened the package and saw what it was . Nice one Mrs Kitsch . But then , as I was thumbing through it , what did I see but . . . Oh yes . It is a signed copy ! ! ! A book written AND SIGNED by a man who went to the moon . THE MOON ! I was actually speechless when I saw this . I couldn 't manage to say any real words , I just made noises . I 'm still a bit stunned and extremely pleased . Is it any wonder I love this woman as much as I do ? I hope she liked my meagre offerings . The thing is , and forgive my sentimentality here , the best present is the fact that she still loves me after twenty one years . I 'm a very fortunate man . We 've started doing jig - saws . I was thinking it was another sign of getting old but then I remembered that Laurel and Hardy film " Me And My Pal " the one where everyone gets drawn into doing the jig - saw at the cost of Oliver 's wedding . There 's something addictive about them whatever age you are . I think that the humble jig - saw taps into something fundamental , possibly even primal , within us . As a species , we 're constantly look for patterns in things , it 's how we learnt to hunt animals and find other food , avoid predators , figure out the seasons , work out a social order , all that kind of thing . This seeking for patterns is also responsible for getting a lot of superstitions and religions started , mistakenly seeing patterns where actually there aren 't any and filling in the gaps to make sense of it all . Unfortunately , some people are still doing exactly that today even at the expense of logic and rational thought . Anyway , before I go off on too much of a tangent . . . Think about it , doing a jig - saw is about finding patterns , filling in the gaps , completing a picture to make sense of it . And once you get started not completing it just seems wrong and wrong at a very deep level . And then there 's that slight sense of anticlimax when the picture is completed . I think that 's because instead of a dead mammoth at our feet we 've ended up with a picture of some kittens , or a ship , or a landscape , or maybe a dead mammoth if that 's what it 's a jig - saw of , but it 's not food to last the tribe a month . You know , I do think I might be on to something here . Anyway , whatever it is , Mrs Kitsch and I have been doing a few jig - saws of late and here 's the latest one , another map , this time of the British Isles and Ireland . And only two pieces missing . I didn 't take a picture of the jig - saw of two kittens we did last week but that 's all the excuse I need to do that one again . And while out charity shop shopping yesterday I bought another kitten jig - saw , this time larger and with even more kittens on it , so no doubt I 'll be blogging about that one at some time or another . And before you start judging us , think about how you spend your leisure time - or possibly time when you should be doing something useful - reading the letters page of the Radio Times , watching grown men kicking a ball about on the telly , sleeping on the couch during Question Time . That 's right , not feeling so superior now are we ? Posted by With my attention focused on the bank holiday followed by the election , one piece of sad news that I 've only just discovered is the death of Guenter Wendt on Monday 3rd May . Guenter Wendt worked at Kennedy Space Centre for 34 years and was in charge of operations at the top of the launch tower in what was known as the White Room . He was often the last person that the astronauts saw before they blasted off into space , shaking the astronauts by the hand and ensuring they were happy with everything before the hatch of the space capsule was sealed by his technicians . Wendt was born and educated in Berlin , was a flight engineer flying with the Luftwaffe during WWII , becoming an American citizen in 1955 when he got a job with McDonnell Aircraft that led him to work in the space programme . Strict but good humoured , Wendt was popular with the astronauts who appreciated that his authoritarian management in the White Room was in their interest . The astronauts nick named him " Pad Führer " and would exchange joke gifts before a space flight ; the Apollo 14 crew presented him with a WWII German military helmet before their flight to the moon . He sounds like he was a great guy , someone who did his job to the best of his ability but also knew how to treat people . He was there practically from the start of the space race through Mercury , Gemini and Apollo and the story of mankind 's greatest achievement would be incomplete without his part in it being taken into account . He was 85 when he died and it appears he led a good and fulfilled life , which is probably the best any of us can hope for . I 'm sorry to hear of his death but will drink a toast to his life at the next opportunity . Well it 's been just over seven weeks since my MRI scan and I 'm still waiting for the results . I rang what I believed was the neurologist 's office last week and had to leave a message on an answer phone . They didn 't bother calling back , so today I thought I 'd try again . After speaking to a human being this time I was told he would chase it up but I could try ringing the neurologist 's secretary myself as that might speed things up . He gave me the number but when I rang of course it was an answer phone . However , she did call me back within an hour or so , apologised that nothing had been done and said she would chase it up . Could she not just give me the results over the phone ? No , it looks like no - one has bothered to even look at the scan results . She suggested I make a complaint to the hospital as that might speed things up . Wouldn 't they just sort it out without my making a complaint , surely if no - one has bothered looking at my scans after all this time , wouldn 't I just jump to the front of the queue ? Apparently not , apparently making a complaint is the best thing to do . She gave me a number which I rang and of course it was an answer machine . So I 've left a message saying I didn 't really want to complain , that all I want are my test results but that if I have to make a complaint to get them , then I was prepared to do that . So , I 'm still waiting . I first went to the doctor about this in February and it 's now May . It 's a good job I 'm not in a lot of pain . On the plus side , and if I live long enough , l start my new job on June 1st getting gigs and events streamed over the internet . I 'm not entirely sure of all my duties but it 's a three month trial and if I haven 't picked it up by that time there 's always selling the Big Issue to fall back on . Or I might be in intensive care by then . Inspired by the recent blogs of Kate & Theo and Tessa I 'm going to nail my colours to the mast and tell you that I have used my postal vote for the Liberal Democrats at this general election . It would be great if we lived in a socialist republic , I would vote for that but even the Labour Party aren 't fighting for that any more , which is a great shame . So what choice do we have as electors ? The Labour Party had it all going for them back in ' 97 , an overwhelming majority that meant they could pass any laws they wanted and push through policies that would make our society more equal and fair but it simply hasn 't happened . Here 's an interesting fact for you , every Labour government has reduced the gap between rich and poor , all be it very , very slightly in some cases but they 've all done it , everyone one of them from the first Labour government of Ramsay MacDonald right up to the Callaghan government of the 1970 's . It 's not until we get to the Blair government that it stops . He made that gap bigger not smaller , the only Labour Prime Minister to actually make the gap between the rich and poor in our society worse . How 's that for a legacy Tony ? I simply don 't know if Brown has been able to reverse this , however I suspect not . And then there is the war in Iraq . Wrong , wrong , wrong , wrong , wrong ! However , voting Labour would still be preferable to voting Conservative . I simply do not need to explain that one , it 's a no - brainer but if you do need it explaining then just Google " the ' 80 's " and see what a mess they made of it . My parents of course don 't see it that way , but then they are devoted Daily Mail readers and have had their minds warped to such a degree that they see a more equal society posing a greater threat to us all than global climate change . And while both Labour and Tory see religion as bringing society together ( I wish they 'd point out the stats on that one I 'd love to see them ) the Liberals have a more secular view on many issues . Not entirely of course , we haven 't reached the stage of human development where it is safe for a leader of a political party in the UK to say religion is divisive by its very nature , generally homophobic and simply illogical and counter to all evidence based argument . Clegg failed to take that opportunity on PM on Radio 4 recently when Eddie Mair asked him about religion . What a shame . Still , one day , hopefully . And while Labour maybe tainted with some religious bias and be somewhat anti - evidence ( you only have to look at the way Labour acted over the sacking of Professor David Nutt , the government 's chief drug adviser ) , the Tories are positively infected with candidates who are Christian extremists . How can that be a good thing ? The Liberals on the other hand have shown their secular colours at times , tend to go with evidence based policies and are much more open about equality and similar issues . I don 't think for one minute that they would lead us into a new dawn of sleaze free politics and have everything rosey in the garden . Politicians of all colours seem to be able to do just one thing consistently and that is to let us down . But if it is a choice between the Tories taking us back to the dark ages and more of the same fumbling from issue to issue by Labour , then I for one am willing to give the Liberals a go to see what they can do . They simply can not do a worse job than the other two . But mostly , wouldn 't you just love to see the faces of both Brown and Cameron on Friday 7th May after they had both lost out to Clegg ? That alone is worth my vote . Come on people , do the right thing , you know you want to . We 'll never have a better opportunity . Vintage isn 't just antique , it has to be lovely and charming and more often than not very , very kitsch ; ornaments , pictures , china , toys , books , clothes and fabric , a lot of fabric . It 's often items that you or your family used to have , or that remind you of things you had , as a child . Sometimes it 's that particular thing you used to look at with envious eyes ; the toy in the toyshop ; the little china dog on your Nan 's mantelpiece ; the doll your next door neighbour had that your Mum wouldn 't get you ( obviously , in my case the " doll " was Major Matt Mason 's arch enemy Scorpio but you don 't see Major Matt Mason or any of his colleague or indeed his arch enemy at V & H fairs unfortunately ) ; so , it can be stuff you always wanted when you were younger but you never got . By its very nature vintage takes you back , quite often its items from the 1950 's , ' 60 's and ' 70 's but people of our age now have to come to terms with the fact that vintage can sometimes mean things from the 1980 's too , which comes as a bit of a shock at first . Anyway , that 's vintage but what about handmade ? You 've probably seen those shops full of lovely things , nice little knick - knacks that you 'd love to have but often can 't find an excuse to buy for yourself . So sometimes you and I , I 'm not immune , venture into these shops looking for gifts for someone else . Sometimes end up buying a thing that you like , but not necessarily a thing that the giftee would like , so in effect it 's like buying a thing for yourself and keeping it at your friends house , which is fair enough as don 't friends sometimes do exactly the same ? I think you 'll find they do . Well , the handmade side of V & H includes a lot of those kinds of items , often extremely well made and quite beautiful . They can range from simple craft items to works of art in their own right . There are a lot of talented women , and it is mostly women , out there doing really superb work . The world of V & H combines the best of both of the above ; lovingly selected vintage items sold alongside beautifully made things , all on the same table . If there is one word that sums up V & H for me it would be nice . Nice is something of an underrated concept . I like nice ; a nice cup of tea ; a nice cuddle ; a nice time ; yes , I like nice and V & H is nice ; nice people with nice things for sale . Mrs Kitsch ( that 's her lovely table above ) and I used to do a lot of craft fairs , which I think is a very different scene to V & H . I 've now attended a number of V & H fairs and often see something I would love to have or maybe I spot something that is particularly beautiful . Whereas , I 've been to a lot of craft fairs where I haven 't seen one single item that interests me , so don 't make the mistake of thinking that V & H is like a craft fair , they are not the same . As I said , it 's mostly women that do V & H and they 're also different to the craft crowd . Some of them are just a little a bit dotty it has to be said but frankly that 's not an unattractive quality in my book . Their wardrobe is also much better than the craft lot ; lovely vintage dresses or things made from vintage fabric as opposed to the aged hippy look . This goes for the women that attend the fairs as much as the women who take part in them . And because everything on everyone 's tables is so lovely ( a fine example above being the pin cushions that Mrs Kitsch makes using tiny vintage ornaments ) , they all end up spending money on each other 's stalls , coming away from each fair with new things for the home , or materials for the next art project , or just something to sell on their own table next time . It 's recycling taken to a whole different level . I love going to these events . I have to be very strong and not buy up loads of stuff myself , but you also meet such lovely people . One woman who had a table next to us was called Claire , she lives in Kent and she knows Billy Childish ! Her son is best friends with his son . Apparently , Billy Childish does wear those World War 1 clothes most of the time . Brilliant . Then we sold this fantastic old jigsaw puzzle to a woman who works at the American Museum in Bath , a place Mrs Kitsch and I love to visit , so we chattered to her for a bit too . You might even see our jigsaw puzzle ( a brilliant 1950 's map of North America with Canada highlighted in " empire red " ) at the museum at some point in the futurI 'm not sure anyone makes much of a living from V & H fairs , even on a good day no one is going to get rich . Even doing a lot of fairs and having other outlets , like Etsy , especially in today 's economic climate . But then so many worthwhile things don 't make much or even any money , at least that 's my experience . And the V & H fairs are worthwhile , not just for the obviously pleasure that most of the participants get out of it , but also for the many people who attend them and purchase that something special , something you simply can 't get in a shop in the high street and certainly not in a shopping mall . They 're also an outlet and showcase for some very talented artists and creative types . So three good old fashioned cheers for the vintage and handmade fair .
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Once again , I wake up right on schedule , at least if I were still on Mars time . On Earth time , I 'm hours early . I can 't get back to sleep , so I just go in early . Mars time obviously gets under your skin . As we 're looking at the downlink data , Mark Maimone looks at one of the MERboards and asks when the SOWG meeting is starting . " 18 : 00 ? Or is it still at 19 : 30 ? " he asks . " Um , we 're on Earth time now , " I remind him . " It 's at 10 . " " Oh , yeah , " he says ruefully . " I can 't even think in PST any more . " So our plan is to make the big RAT - brush mosaic we didn 't get our chance to do yestersol , then drive off . But we don 't want to drive off until we 're sure the RATting worked . Some RAT - related failures would result in an IDD fault similar to the one we had yestersol ; the IDD will stay where it is , won 't stow , and so we won 't drive . This is what we want . Unfortunately , some RAT failures don 't cause this to happen ; the rover will blithely drive away without finishing the job . And the scientists don 't want that . Julie says that there 's an " OK to RAT " flag we can test in a sequence to have the sequence make these decisions . I don 't remember this flag , but I 'm not totally familiar with the set . So , good , this gives us a solution : the drive sequences will ask if we 're OK to RAT , and otherwise terminate without moving . It 's not until the end of the SOWG meeting that I have a chance to check Julie 's assertion . Should have checked sooner . There is no " OK to RAT " flag . We 've just built our whole plan around one , though , so we have to scramble to replan . The new plan drops the long part of the drive ; we 're just going to back up a meter for the standoff imaging and stay there . I suggest driving forward again after the imaging ; that way , if anything went wrong , we can fix it the next sol instead of having to dedicate an additional sol to just driving back up to the rock . ( It doesn 't take us a whole sol to drive a meter , but for safety reasons we 're not allowed to do go - and - touch in a single sol . ) Ray likes the idea , but it gets nixed later in tPosted by So this is our first sol on Earth time . At least they 've chosen to keep things simple thisol . In case you can 't tell , that 's sarcasm . The plan for thisol is to do a complex RAT - brush mosaic , making a big dust - free spot on Mazatzal for the MTES , then back up about 85cm so the MTES can see it . After that , we 'll drive about 15m , following the path I worked out in advance yestersol , and then autonav as long as they 'll let us . Or should I say , that was the plan . Then word comes that yestersol 's IDD sequence faulted out , and all the images look wrong , and nobody knows why . Since we 're on Earth time , nobody 's around , so I start looking into the problem myself . I quickly discover that my ability to do this is limited . I have no problem finding the list of warnings and errors that the spacecraft has sent back , but since I never look at them , I don 't really know what 's normal and what isn 't . I write down a particularly suspicious subset and ask for help from Jessica Collisson - - who graciously works on analyzing the problem with me , even though she 's on Opportunity and right now they have an anomaly of their own . This doesn 't look good . The rover says one of the IDD tools had a contact switch in an unexpected state . Jessica and I don 't know which switches are reporting contact , because we 're not experienced enough to decode the data we 're looking at , but knowing this much leads me to an alarming possibility . We had a frustrating problem during one of the PORTs [ 1 ] when we left the APXS contact switches enabled after opening the APXS doors ; a sequence failed that should have worked perfectly , because the switches falsely signaled a contact . The vehicle thought the arm had whacked into a rock or the ground and set an error flag , which caused the rest of the sequence to refuse to move the arm . It turns out that those switches are flaky ; they often spuriously signal a contact when the doors are open , so we have to disable them after opening the doors ( when we are actually going to place the instrument and therefore might see real Posted by It 's our last sol on Mars time . I spend a lot of the pre - shift time working ahead , trying to assess the terrain for our upcoming drive . Our long - term drive path is blocked by a rock I dub " Combover Pig , " so we 'll have to go southwest before we can head east to the hills . But there 's a bigger problem in the near zone . I try to persuade myself that there 's a short path to the other side of Mazatzal , but the terrain doesn 't want to cooperate . There 's a 15cm rock in the way - - which is not a hazard per se , but there 's a 15cm - deep depression on the other side of the rock , making 30cm total , and that 's an unsafe combination . I work on some ways to use the terrain against itself , putting one wheel up on the rock and straddling the depression , but there are worst - case scenarios no matter how we go . I 'm almost willing to risk it anyway , but I run out of time to look at it without really reaching a resolution . They used another one of my rover wakeup songs - - Cake 's " The Distance " - - on Opportunity . This is because Opportunity set a new single - sol distance record : 48 . 9m . We 're unlikely to surpass that record , but they will . I 've been worried whether we chose the right mesh yestersol , so I 'm anxiously waiting around in the SMSA when the pass starts . The minute the images start flowing , John Grant walks up with a huge smile . " You made the right call , " he says . The RAT placement was right on the money . Mark points out that our image of the APXS doors , which is just intended to verify that the doors have closed after an APXS operation , was taken at a higher quality than we think is necessary . It 's not a big deal , making only a few KB of difference in the downlink , but this piques my curiosity , and I go ask Justin Maki about it . He doesn 't see any reason we need the higher quality either , but it 's what they 're doing on Opportunity , and it 's simpler for everyone if we just let the missions be consistent . And since it 's not a significant difference in the downlink volume anyway , we decide to drop it . But this gets us into a discussioPosted by We might start driving tomorrow , sooner than I thought - - if not tomorrow , then the sol after . They still haven 't decided where we 're going from here , along the rim or straight away from the crater . I start looking through the imagery we have , to see if we 've got a safe path in either direction . Neither one looks good . Opportunity is driving today . Only a few sols out of their crater and they 're going to break our one - sol drive - distance record : 48m tomorrow , or so . And they 'll better that record on future sols . Before long , they 'll set a record we have no hope of breaking . Oh , well . It was nice while it lasted . I chat with Frank about this for a little while , and about other things . They 're going to stay on Mars time a little longer than we are . Frank isn 't going to miss Mars time , but I am . I realized one of the reasons why when I was walking in today at 3 : 30 AM : coming to work at all times of the day and night emphasizes the uniqueness of what we 're doing . When we start keeping regular , Earth - time hours , it just won 't seem quite as special any more . Frank grudgingly agrees . " You want to see something really cool ? " Justin Maki asks . Who wouldn 't ? Justin shows us two really cool things . First is an animation of all the MI images that have been taken on Opportunity . The second is even cooler : Stubbe Hviid has put together a movie of all of the front HAZCAM images we 've taken on Spirit . The movie incorporates all of our drives and IDD work up to this point - - the last three months of my life , flashing before my eyes . We 've packed a lot into those three months . Mark has solved the visual odometry problem that caused Opportunity to behave so strangely when they tried it . It turns out that the code wasn 't properly thinking in 3 - D , causing it to think the goal point was closer than it really is . We might get a solution in place and tested in time for us to use it when driving away from here , though I doubt it . Today 's sequencing should be simple : a RAT placement , a bit of IDD work . Of course , it doesn 't work out that way . TPosted by Ah , a short day . I needed one of those . I have another interview with WBBB , the Raleigh station , and it goes really well . Interviewing with morning shows is strange in one respect : because they 're trying to keep the show 's energy level high and make their listeners feel good about being awake so godawful early , they laugh at everything you say that 's even remotely funny . Even though they 're doing it for show reasons and not for me , it helps me see a little of how it is to be famous or powerful . It 's like a little taste of that insular world that you always hear that famous people live in . This helps explain famous people . I kind of feel sorry for them . Yestersol 's RAT operation was incomplete . It didn 't drill as deep as they wanted , but even more oddly , the left half of the resulting circle is white , and the right half is dark - - a little like the yin - yang symbol . They don 't know why this happened , but they 're going to do it over . And in passing , Atmospheres [ 1 ] says that we 're getting into a time of the Martian year where we may be able to see clouds . Those will be some damn cool images . Courtesy NASA / JPL - Caltech . Curiously bi - colored RAT spot . Courtesy NASA / JPL - Caltech . Confirming that Spirit 's APXS dust doors are closed . Footnotes : [ 1 ] That is , the subset of the science team that studies the Martian atmosphere . Once again , I devote my day to the updated RoSE delivery , implementing the remaining requested feature and packaging a new test release . So much for that . The extended mission may be extended further than I had thought . All of a sudden , people are talking about Spirit lasting 270 sols ( 150 for Opportunity ) . As of Monday - - only a few days from now - - we 're on Earth time , and the Earth - time schedule starts at 7AM . I can 't do six months of 7AM , but Chris and John will likely take mornings , and I 'll take afternoons . Happily , this doesn 't mean I 'll be RP - 2 all the time , because our days will shift in such a way that , after a while , the afternoon shift is doing the first half of the plan , and the next day 's morning shift finishes that plan . So the humans will stay on the same schedule and let Mars rotate around us , rather than vice versa . Once again , the downlink assessment meeting reveals that our Mazatzal exploration schedule has been pushed back slightly ; RATting takes a lot of energy , and we 'll need sol 82 to charge the batteries . Now the drive starts on sol 85 . True to form , the software update has been delayed again as well ; it now starts on sol 96 . Xeno would be so proud . They revisit the question of how far to traverse the crater before heading for the hills . The tradeoff is that we 'll get less 3 - D data on the crater ( we won 't ever see the parts of it that were initially hidden by the rim itself ) vs . getting to the hills that much sooner . The sooner we start the long - haul drive , Ray points out , the more energy we have to drive with ; and we might as well start driving while the rover is completely healthy . " How far around the rim would we have to go to make staying here worthwhile ? A hundred meters ? " Ray asks . " Less than a hundred meters , " Larry Crumpler answers . " Ninety - nine meters ? " " Ninety - nine meters , yeah , " says Larry . " So how many people just want to get the hell out of here ? " Ray asks . When he rephrases it a little more neutrally , the vote overwhelmingly favors driving to the hills early . Props to Long John SiPosted by I spend basically the whole night working on the new delivery of RoSE , and am able to cut a preliminary release ( missing only one feature , which I 'll do tomorrow ) for testing . I interrupt this only for the downlink assessment meeting . The MB PUL reports some surprising results from their instrument . We don 't seem to see through the dust on Mazatzal - - they see more Fe3 + , not less , after brushing . Someone also has a presentation diagramming rock layers , from the outside in : Loose mantle Cemented coating Rock alteration products ( friable ) Moderately altered rock ( indurated ) Unaltered parent rockThe RAT can in principle drill all the way down , but so far we 're seeing surface phenomena only . They plan to spend more time here than they originally scheduled ; now the drive is set to start on sol 84 or 85 . This is partly because this will have to be a recovery sol : the APXS doors did not fully open on our latest placement ( roughly , it turns out we have to push a little harder on them than we 've been told to ) , so they need to redo the work . As a result , they won 't RAT tomorrow ; tomorrow will be devoted to MB / APXS and remote sensing . By the time they discovered this APXS problem , the next sol 's APXS sequences were already set , so they 'll have two sols ' worth of data to redo . Basically the entire extended mission will be devoted to exploring the Columbia Hills . Of course , first we have to get there , or try to . They 're planning 60 sols , plus 30 contingency sols , for that . Over the next few days , they 'll try to work out how long it will take to drive there , and how long Spirit is likely to last . This will tell them how much time they have left over to do science at random targets of interest along the way . In my copious free time , I 've been hacking on RoSE to add features that they 'll need for the extended mission . So far , there hasn 't been a delivery date , so I 've just been working on the changes when I can . Today a delivery date crops up . They want to install it Monday . That means I 'll need every spare minute to finish the work . So I don 't have time to check out an alarming observation about the failed Mazatzal drive . Mark Maimone points out that the tracks show that we passed only about 60cm from a rock called " Skull , " much closer than we should have . The planned drive had about 1 . 5 to 2m of clearance . Skull was a large rock ; if it had been a little taller , this problem might have damaged the solar panels . The positive spin on that , I guess , is that things could have been worse . I do take time to go to the downlink assessment meeting , though . The coolest part of that is a " show and tell " moment : one of the RAT guys passes around a prototype of the RAT . It 's cool to be able to hold it in my hand , press the contact switches against my palm to get a genuine feel for the instrument . I also go to the post - SOWG science talks . Ben Clark tells us about " The Universal Soil of Mars . " The soils and rocks have most elements the same ; only sulfur , chlorine , and maybe potassium differ . Adirondack and Humphrey are made of virtually identical material . In order to tell whether this is only a surface phenomenon , he argues for a deep RAT grind . It might also help to do a progressive brushing : do a light brush , measure the spot afterward , then brush a little more and measure again , and so on , to see how the results change as the dust layer thins and eventually is removed entirely . The really interesting presentation is Geoffrey Landis 's exploration of the " Proposed Spirit Electrostatic Discharge Campaign . " There 's a lot of electrostatic charging on Mars , which comes from the sand grains being rubbed together by wind ( similar to rubbing a balloon ) and from the solar UV . Some of the dust adherence to rocks may be a result of this electrPosted by I get to thinking while driving in to work . We haven 't screwed up many drives , but the ones where we 've had the most trouble have been approaches . Traversing many meters in terrain where you 'll slip an unknown amount , and having to end up in a zone only 10 or 20cm wide , is a recipe for failure . Even in this terrain , where we knew we were slipping 5 - 10 % , given the length of the drive , the uncertainty in the amount of slip exceeds the size of the target zone . So we were , essentially , relying on luck . Gambling . And we lost . The Mazatzal approach was just one example ; we had a similar issue when approaching Humphrey , but it so happened that that drive was planned as a two - cycle drive for other reasons , so they had a chance to recover on the same sol . I decide that the next time we have an approach sol , I 'm going to insist on either visual odometry ( which we currently can 't use because of the irreproducible problem we had with it on Opportunity ) or a two - cycle drive . It might take some selling , but I 'm determined . I don 't want another drive to go wrong , and it 's better to take our time on the approach sol and do the job properly than have to waste one more damn sol recovering . The pass comes , and I 'm relieved to see that we 're just about exactly where we wanted to be . I guess I 'd be another 5 or 10cm closer if I could , but we can still reach plenty of the rock face from here , including RATtable spots . It 's not perfect , but we can do the work we need to do . Not what I was hoping for . But you know what ? Fuck it . I decide to consider this a victory . I look at the front HAZCAMs with Dave Des Marais and Craig Leff . " So , is this a ' white rock ? ' " Craig asks . Dave equivocates on that point , but adds that the politically correct term is " light - toned rock . " " Yeah , but the phrase ' Light - Toned Rock Mafia ' just doesn 't have the same ring to it , " I say . Craig asks if the rock is reachable , and I tell him we should have good coverage on the lower half of the rock at least . They should plan to RAT . " Short drive , huh ? Piece of cake , " he sPosted by I wake up on the wrong side of the bed and arrive at work in an uncharacteristically foul mood . My mood doesn 't improve when I see the results of the drive . We didn 't make it . It looks like we slipped twice as much as predicted ; we 're short of our planned position by maybe half a meter . We wanted to end up where we could IDD Mazatzal , including RATting . But the rock is barely within reach of the IDD , and we definitely can 't RAT it from here . So we 'll have to spend another sol getting where we really need to be . Well , I 'd been wondering what it would feel like to blow it . It doesn 't feel good . In fact , it feels absolutely fucking rotten . In retrospect , I could have lived without knowing that . This makes the downlink assessment meeting an uncomfortable place to be . I feel like everyone 's being careful not to blame me . But it 's my fault . I should have fought to use visodom ; this would have cost us a lot of time and power , but we 'd have pegged the drive . Or maybe I could have found a better approach angle , or something . I should have tried harder . We 'll be here three or four sols . Their commitment to RAT this rock is unshaken , though thanks to me that won 't happen as soon as it might . ( Bah . ) We 'll probably treat Mazatzal the way we treated Humphrey : brush off several spots to get the effect of a single big spot we can effectively MTES , IDD those spots , and grind one or two of them more deeply for closer inspection . Is this a " white rock " of the sort the White Rock Mafia has been agitating for us to investigate ? Nobody seems to have a firm opinion . " Can 't we just say it 's a white rock and be done with it ? " someone asks wearily . The more I sit in the meeting , the less it seems to me that anyone else really is upset about our ( my ) failure to reach Mazatzal . I 'm still deeply upset with myself , but I seem to be the only one . Dave Des Marais even puts a positive spin on it : " In a way , this is ideal for Steve [ Gorevan , the RAT guy ] because he 'll have full control over the approach . " I later sit down with Dave and Steve to talk aboPosted by Our downlink data is delayed by some kind of ground system glitch . The glitch clears up to show us a flattish , whitish rock just in front of us , and a much more interesting fishlike rock a few meters away . It reminds me of a coelacanth or something . So we 're going to MI the nearby whitish rock , then drive to the coelacanth . This all fits neatly into one of the scientists ' sol templates ( a " D - type , " or " dirt - type , " sol ) . The " coelacanth 's " name is Mazatzal , which is the name of a group of mountains in Arizona . Nobody can get this name straight ; all night , people keep calling it " Mazatlan , " " Marzipan , " etc . , until it becomes a running joke . I really wanted them to call it " Coelacanth , " but that would have been worse . I end up attaching a picture of a coelacanth to my uplink report anyway . Our odometry total is 459m , plus the 25m or so we traversed today . Added to Opportunity 's 115m , we are just under 600m combined . The time the scientists save planning by using the new sol templates gives them a lot of time to sit around arguing . They must love them . To kick off the discussion , Jeff Johnson shows a PANCAM spectrum of Bear Claw , the scuff I helped make when I was last on shift . It 's a beautiful , beautiful picture , and the science information revealed by the scuff is no less interesting . The small rocks we see around us seem to be made mostly of the same stuff as Adirondack . The material inside the Serpent drift , the stuff revealed by the scuff , is something different - - they don 't know what yet - - and the dark deposit on the far wall of the crater , with its " mystery feature , " is something in between . That 's surprising , since they expected Serpent 's insides to look the same as the crater deposit . They haven 't yet compared the data to the trench results - - " but that 's a good idea , " Jeff muses , " we should do that . " The scar , however , does show some evidence of the mystery feature , which is also surprising : why would the stuff ( whatever it is ) be in some of these identical - seeming drifts and not in others ? At this point , thePosted by I 'm off shift , which means I spend my time hacking on RoSE instead of doing the glamorous work . We 've traversed another 34 . 3m around the crater , which is a pretty good drive for this rocky terrain . They also scarred a drift as they drove by it - - driving along a drift such that the wheels on one side rode through it , periodically wiggling the wheels and correcting for yaw . They took pictures of the scar before moving on ; this should make for some interesting science . It 's not clear how much farther we 'll travel around the rim before heading for the hills . They 're looking into what data we need to gather , via remote sensing , on the Columbia Hills before we have to pause exploring while they upload the new flight software . It occurred to someone that autonav won 't see a certain type of obstacle as a hazard : a tall , thin spike . Despite the fact that nobody has ever , ever observed such an object on Mars , we get an official directive not to plan autonav drives into an area unless we can rule out the existence of such a hazard . In most cases , if we could see that well into the area in question , we wouldn 't rely on autonav ; we 'd use blind driving instead . The new directive is very stupid . I think Mark instigated the concern about it as a way to drive the project to install the updated flight software , which would detect Martian beanpoles as a hazard . The best news of the day , I think , is that our big picture is back . I think somebody must have taken it to LPSC . In any case , Mars is outside my office door once again . Interestingly , the scuff - drive ended up driving the rover 's right bogie to the hardstop . While climbing over one of the rocks as we backed up , the bogie ( the rear part of the rocker - bogie suspension ) was angled way up . No harm resulted to the vehicle , and as Rich Petras points out , this is something that rocker - bogie suspensions will do from time to time , and none of our modeling tools can predict it well . So I didn 't do anything wrong . But it 's a little freaky to see . I finish implementing a new RoSE feature just in time to go to the downlink assessment meeting . I 'm not really clear on how far they drove yestersol , if at all , but they did some remote sensing on White Elephant . Steve Ruff , reporting the MTES results , deadpans : " It looks like a dusty rock . " The RAT guy , Steve Gorevan , says White Elephant looks " eminently RATtable , " an important consideration for characterizing white rocks . Arvidson seems to want to skip White Elephant , though , feeling that it will slow us down too much . We 're not really sure if the terrain is navigable ( because we don 't have terrain meshes yet ) , and he wants to put more meters on the wheels . One thing they might want us to do while putting meters on the wheels is to deliberately drive one side of the rover along a drift , leaving a big scar for them to image . There are problems with doing this ( it guarantees slippage , which means uncertainty in our positioning , and that uncertainty is multiplied for a longer drive ) . But it sounds like a cool thing to do . Just before the meeting ends , Ray reports that " at LPSC , we were heroes . " Steve Squyres stood up and got a huge round of applause before he even said anything . The room was packed wall to wall - - people were standing in the aisles and along the walls ; you couldn 't enter or leave . " I haven 't seen such excitement since the Viking lander missions , " he says . " Even grumpy old greybeards were ooh - ing and aah - ing . " Once again I have a lousy night 's ( actually , day 's ) sleep . I keep waking up , thinking of ways the drive is going to fail . There are a lot of them . We didn 't correct enough for slip . Or : did we really analyze the depression ahead and to the right of us ? Could any nasty surprises be lurking there ? Or : if we slip too much as we drive downhill , we 'll end up climbing that 20cm rock ahead of us instead of stopping short of it , and if there 's a depression on the far side , we could get high - centered on it - - with the rock scraping the rover 's belly , and the rover unable to gain enough traction with any of its wheels to crawl back off . Of course , this would mean that our imaging was badly wrong , and our simulations were badly wrong , and our slip estimates are badly wrong . But apart from that , it 's very likely . I obsessively check the flight director 's report while getting ready , and am considerably relieved to read that we drove the expected distance and have a scuff mark in front of us . Is it reachable from the IDD ? Did we nail the mid - drive imaging ? The report doesn 't say . But when I get to work and see the results , I 'm shocked . It 's perfect . The scuff is nearly dead center from our final position , with good chunks of it in the IDD work volume . ( In fact , maybe all of it is in the work volume ; the tool that does the preliminary analysis has some limitations that the shape of the scuff might be exposing . ) And the mid - drive NAVCAM , which is a bellwether for the other mid - drive imaging , couldn 't be better . The main body of the scuff is right there in the middle of the image . While I 'm gaping , John Grant says : " Let me be the first to congratulate you on a perfect drive . " When he left last night , he just wanted us to end up somewhere near the scuff . And we executed perfectly . I don 't know if it 's relief or disbelief , but I can 't stop looking at it . I know I say this all the time , but seriously : I worry too damn much . I 'm not on shift today , Chris is , so it will be his job to IDD the scuff ( which has been named " Bear Paw " ; targets Posted by I wake up a couple of hours early , in a near panic . I had completely forgotten that our previous drive had timed out , which means we would have had a goal - error flag set . Mark didn 't mention this in his hastily written downlink report , so we didn 't clear the flag in this drive sequence , which means the drive won 't happen . I dislodge Zenobia , log in from home , and check the telemetry - - only to find that the goal - error flag wasn 't set after all . ( Which must be the actual reason Mark didn 't mention it : there was nothing to mention . ) I don 't understand this , but I 'm so relieved that for the moment I don 't care . I actually manage to get a little more sleep before I have to get up . ( It turns out later that there 's a good explanation why there was no goal error . At the end of our last drive , the rover timed out because it was back - and - forthing , trying to find a safe path . It happened to time out after a backward move , which left a little extra space in front of it . The sequence cleared the timeout error , enabling the rover to complete the final stutter - step into the small safe zone , without producing a goal error . If there had been such an error , Mark would have mentioned it and we would have cleared it as a routine matter ; we do that all the time . So everything was fine . You 'd think my subconscious would have recognized this pattern by now , instead of waking me up all the goddamn time . ) My badge is working again . I stuck around for hours yesterday , just to find out that Security couldn 't help me at all . The project sent them a list of people whose access was supposed to be revoked and mistakenly included my name on it ; apparently , this kind of thing happens all the time . And I 'm far from being the only person it happened to this time : I keep having to open the door for other people whose access was mistakenly revoked along with mine and hasn 't been restored yet . Today 's drive didn 't quite complete , but we got a heck of a lot closer than I expected . We made it to the far side of Serpent and turned to face the bedform ; thaPosted by During my pre - shift time , Frank , who 's trying to stay awake until the CAM , comes down to hang out and shoot the breeze a little . He 's not happy with his SpaceOps paper , he tells me . He wanted to write the definitive paper on how we 're using RSVP to drive the rovers , and ended up with something much less than that . " But I 'll write that paper later , " he shrugs . The world of " writing papers " still seems weird to me . I got so used to working on the kind of code you wouldn 't bother to write a paper about . Necessary stuff , stuff JPL couldn 't do without . But , let 's face it , boring stuff . It 's hard to compete with writing the software we use to drive Mars rovers . Speaking of which . . . " So , what are you planning to do when the project is over ? " Frank asks . I don 't really know . I 've planned to go back to working on the stuff I was working on before , especially since that 's what I 've been promising John [ 1 ] . But I don 't think I 'd be happy with things just going back to the way they were . Something 's going to have to change . I just don 't know what it is . Frank offers to arrange work for me - - graphics stuff , if I want it . Tempting , tempting . But I have promises to keep . And meters to go before I sleep . Against expectations , we 're driving today . Off in the drive direction is a long bedform named " Serpent . " Serpent is too large to drive over , so we 're going around it . The plan for tomorrow is to drive to its southern tip ( this takes us away from the crater rim ) ; we 'll maybe poke at it with the IDD , then head on . We might also study some nearby rocks , since there are some white rocks near Serpent and this gives us a chance to get the fucking white rock business laid to rest once and for all . ( That 's not my characterization ; Ray actually says " fucking . " He wants to drive on in the worst way . I find this impatience endearing , as does Frank , who asks him to come upstairs and light a fire under Opportunity 's scientists so they can get the hell out of their crater already . ) And we might get to do other stuff to Serpent , such as dragging tPosted by It 's starting already : at least temporarily , they 're moving the downlink teams to Earth time . Sigh . I 've decided to keep coming in at my regular time , even though I could be coming in 90 minutes later ( like everyone else ) , so that I can get more work done . Sigh . But maybe this will mean I 'll be able to work less on my days off . ( Fat chance . ) They 've taken another image of the backshell - - or whatever it is - - which have failed to fully clarify the situation . There are several Spongebob Squarepants fans on the project , who have decided that that 's what it is . I guess that counts as finding life on other planets . At the downlink assessment meeting , they have a beautiful color image of the color crater panorama on the big screens . I 'm really getting spoiled by the big screens . When the project is over , I 'm going to have to buy a 3200x1200 projection monitor . Anyway , the plan from here is to work the rim . We 'll be here for about 3 weeks ( later they say 18 - 22 sols ) , inspecting rocks , soils , ripples , deposits , etc . , as we crawl along , and that will take us to the end of the nominal mission . The extended mission will be the drive to Columbia Hills . The guy defending this plan puts up a presentation with a picture of Opportunity 's crater ; there 's a round of good - natured booing . But the point of showing the image is to set a context : in its crater , Opportunity found the interesting stuff ( bedrock ) just below the rim . We can expect something similar here - - we may , for example , not need to clamber all the way down to the bottom of the crater ; exploring the rim and upper slopes may do everything we need . At Bonneville , though , there is no evident outcrop ( which everyone was hoping for ) . Still , there 's significant value in being here . You tend to get more weathering on slopes , since they present a broad face to the wind and allow the weathered material to " escape " ( by running downhill ) , so we 'll see fresh material just beneath us . For the same reason , coatings and non - basalt rock types that don 't weather as fast as basalts will alPosted by At night , there 's a small red light in the sky . On that light lives four hundred pounds of thinking metal sent from Earth . I tell that metal what to do , and it does it .
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Once again , I wake up right on schedule , at least if I were still on Mars time . On Earth time , I 'm hours early . I can 't get back to sleep , so I just go in early . Mars time obviously gets under your skin . As we 're looking at the downlink data , Mark Maimone looks at one of the MERboards and asks when the SOWG meeting is starting . " 18 : 00 ? Or is it still at 19 : 30 ? " he asks . " Um , we 're on Earth time now , " I remind him . " It 's at 10 . " " Oh , yeah , " he says ruefully . " I can 't even think in PST any more . " So our plan is to make the big RAT - brush mosaic we didn 't get our chance to do yestersol , then drive off . But we don 't want to drive off until we 're sure the RATting worked . Some RAT - related failures would result in an IDD fault similar to the one we had yestersol ; the IDD will stay where it is , won 't stow , and so we won 't drive . This is what we want . Unfortunately , some RAT failures don 't cause this to happen ; the rover will blithely drive away without finishing the job . And the scientists don 't want that . Julie says that there 's an " OK to RAT " flag we can test in a sequence to have the sequence make these decisions . I don 't remember this flag , but I 'm not totally familiar with the set . So , good , this gives us a solution : the drive sequences will ask if we 're OK to RAT , and otherwise terminate without moving . It 's not until the end of the SOWG meeting that I have a chance to check Julie 's assertion . Should have checked sooner . There is no " OK to RAT " flag . We 've just built our whole plan around one , though , so we have to scramble to replan . The new plan drops the long part of the drive ; we 're just going to back up a meter for the standoff imaging and stay there . I suggest driving forward again after the imaging ; that way , if anything went wrong , we can fix it the next sol instead of having to dedicate an additional sol to just driving back up to the rock . ( It doesn 't take us a whole sol to drive a meter , but for safety reasons we 're not allowed to do go - and - touch in a single sol . ) Ray likes the idea , but it gets nixed later in tPosted by So this is our first sol on Earth time . At least they 've chosen to keep things simple thisol . In case you can 't tell , that 's sarcasm . The plan for thisol is to do a complex RAT - brush mosaic , making a big dust - free spot on Mazatzal for the MTES , then back up about 85cm so the MTES can see it . After that , we 'll drive about 15m , following the path I worked out in advance yestersol , and then autonav as long as they 'll let us . Or should I say , that was the plan . Then word comes that yestersol 's IDD sequence faulted out , and all the images look wrong , and nobody knows why . Since we 're on Earth time , nobody 's around , so I start looking into the problem myself . I quickly discover that my ability to do this is limited . I have no problem finding the list of warnings and errors that the spacecraft has sent back , but since I never look at them , I don 't really know what 's normal and what isn 't . I write down a particularly suspicious subset and ask for help from Jessica Collisson - - who graciously works on analyzing the problem with me , even though she 's on Opportunity and right now they have an anomaly of their own . This doesn 't look good . The rover says one of the IDD tools had a contact switch in an unexpected state . Jessica and I don 't know which switches are reporting contact , because we 're not experienced enough to decode the data we 're looking at , but knowing this much leads me to an alarming possibility . We had a frustrating problem during one of the PORTs [ 1 ] when we left the APXS contact switches enabled after opening the APXS doors ; a sequence failed that should have worked perfectly , because the switches falsely signaled a contact . The vehicle thought the arm had whacked into a rock or the ground and set an error flag , which caused the rest of the sequence to refuse to move the arm . It turns out that those switches are flaky ; they often spuriously signal a contact when the doors are open , so we have to disable them after opening the doors ( when we are actually going to place the instrument and therefore might see real Posted by It 's our last sol on Mars time . I spend a lot of the pre - shift time working ahead , trying to assess the terrain for our upcoming drive . Our long - term drive path is blocked by a rock I dub " Combover Pig , " so we 'll have to go southwest before we can head east to the hills . But there 's a bigger problem in the near zone . I try to persuade myself that there 's a short path to the other side of Mazatzal , but the terrain doesn 't want to cooperate . There 's a 15cm rock in the way - - which is not a hazard per se , but there 's a 15cm - deep depression on the other side of the rock , making 30cm total , and that 's an unsafe combination . I work on some ways to use the terrain against itself , putting one wheel up on the rock and straddling the depression , but there are worst - case scenarios no matter how we go . I 'm almost willing to risk it anyway , but I run out of time to look at it without really reaching a resolution . They used another one of my rover wakeup songs - - Cake 's " The Distance " - - on Opportunity . This is because Opportunity set a new single - sol distance record : 48 . 9m . We 're unlikely to surpass that record , but they will . I 've been worried whether we chose the right mesh yestersol , so I 'm anxiously waiting around in the SMSA when the pass starts . The minute the images start flowing , John Grant walks up with a huge smile . " You made the right call , " he says . The RAT placement was right on the money . Mark points out that our image of the APXS doors , which is just intended to verify that the doors have closed after an APXS operation , was taken at a higher quality than we think is necessary . It 's not a big deal , making only a few KB of difference in the downlink , but this piques my curiosity , and I go ask Justin Maki about it . He doesn 't see any reason we need the higher quality either , but it 's what they 're doing on Opportunity , and it 's simpler for everyone if we just let the missions be consistent . And since it 's not a significant difference in the downlink volume anyway , we decide to drop it . But this gets us into a discussioPosted by We might start driving tomorrow , sooner than I thought - - if not tomorrow , then the sol after . They still haven 't decided where we 're going from here , along the rim or straight away from the crater . I start looking through the imagery we have , to see if we 've got a safe path in either direction . Neither one looks good . Opportunity is driving today . Only a few sols out of their crater and they 're going to break our one - sol drive - distance record : 48m tomorrow , or so . And they 'll better that record on future sols . Before long , they 'll set a record we have no hope of breaking . Oh , well . It was nice while it lasted . I chat with Frank about this for a little while , and about other things . They 're going to stay on Mars time a little longer than we are . Frank isn 't going to miss Mars time , but I am . I realized one of the reasons why when I was walking in today at 3 : 30 AM : coming to work at all times of the day and night emphasizes the uniqueness of what we 're doing . When we start keeping regular , Earth - time hours , it just won 't seem quite as special any more . Frank grudgingly agrees . " You want to see something really cool ? " Justin Maki asks . Who wouldn 't ? Justin shows us two really cool things . First is an animation of all the MI images that have been taken on Opportunity . The second is even cooler : Stubbe Hviid has put together a movie of all of the front HAZCAM images we 've taken on Spirit . The movie incorporates all of our drives and IDD work up to this point - - the last three months of my life , flashing before my eyes . We 've packed a lot into those three months . Mark has solved the visual odometry problem that caused Opportunity to behave so strangely when they tried it . It turns out that the code wasn 't properly thinking in 3 - D , causing it to think the goal point was closer than it really is . We might get a solution in place and tested in time for us to use it when driving away from here , though I doubt it . Today 's sequencing should be simple : a RAT placement , a bit of IDD work . Of course , it doesn 't work out that way . TPosted by Ah , a short day . I needed one of those . I have another interview with WBBB , the Raleigh station , and it goes really well . Interviewing with morning shows is strange in one respect : because they 're trying to keep the show 's energy level high and make their listeners feel good about being awake so godawful early , they laugh at everything you say that 's even remotely funny . Even though they 're doing it for show reasons and not for me , it helps me see a little of how it is to be famous or powerful . It 's like a little taste of that insular world that you always hear that famous people live in . This helps explain famous people . I kind of feel sorry for them . Yestersol 's RAT operation was incomplete . It didn 't drill as deep as they wanted , but even more oddly , the left half of the resulting circle is white , and the right half is dark - - a little like the yin - yang symbol . They don 't know why this happened , but they 're going to do it over . And in passing , Atmospheres [ 1 ] says that we 're getting into a time of the Martian year where we may be able to see clouds . Those will be some damn cool images . Courtesy NASA / JPL - Caltech . Curiously bi - colored RAT spot . Courtesy NASA / JPL - Caltech . Confirming that Spirit 's APXS dust doors are closed . Footnotes : [ 1 ] That is , the subset of the science team that studies the Martian atmosphere . Once again , I devote my day to the updated RoSE delivery , implementing the remaining requested feature and packaging a new test release . So much for that . The extended mission may be extended further than I had thought . All of a sudden , people are talking about Spirit lasting 270 sols ( 150 for Opportunity ) . As of Monday - - only a few days from now - - we 're on Earth time , and the Earth - time schedule starts at 7AM . I can 't do six months of 7AM , but Chris and John will likely take mornings , and I 'll take afternoons . Happily , this doesn 't mean I 'll be RP - 2 all the time , because our days will shift in such a way that , after a while , the afternoon shift is doing the first half of the plan , and the next day 's morning shift finishes that plan . So the humans will stay on the same schedule and let Mars rotate around us , rather than vice versa . Once again , the downlink assessment meeting reveals that our Mazatzal exploration schedule has been pushed back slightly ; RATting takes a lot of energy , and we 'll need sol 82 to charge the batteries . Now the drive starts on sol 85 . True to form , the software update has been delayed again as well ; it now starts on sol 96 . Xeno would be so proud . They revisit the question of how far to traverse the crater before heading for the hills . The tradeoff is that we 'll get less 3 - D data on the crater ( we won 't ever see the parts of it that were initially hidden by the rim itself ) vs . getting to the hills that much sooner . The sooner we start the long - haul drive , Ray points out , the more energy we have to drive with ; and we might as well start driving while the rover is completely healthy . " How far around the rim would we have to go to make staying here worthwhile ? A hundred meters ? " Ray asks . " Less than a hundred meters , " Larry Crumpler answers . " Ninety - nine meters ? " " Ninety - nine meters , yeah , " says Larry . " So how many people just want to get the hell out of here ? " Ray asks . When he rephrases it a little more neutrally , the vote overwhelmingly favors driving to the hills early . Props to Long John SiPosted by I spend basically the whole night working on the new delivery of RoSE , and am able to cut a preliminary release ( missing only one feature , which I 'll do tomorrow ) for testing . I interrupt this only for the downlink assessment meeting . The MB PUL reports some surprising results from their instrument . We don 't seem to see through the dust on Mazatzal - - they see more Fe3 + , not less , after brushing . Someone also has a presentation diagramming rock layers , from the outside in : Loose mantle Cemented coating Rock alteration products ( friable ) Moderately altered rock ( indurated ) Unaltered parent rockThe RAT can in principle drill all the way down , but so far we 're seeing surface phenomena only . They plan to spend more time here than they originally scheduled ; now the drive is set to start on sol 84 or 85 . This is partly because this will have to be a recovery sol : the APXS doors did not fully open on our latest placement ( roughly , it turns out we have to push a little harder on them than we 've been told to ) , so they need to redo the work . As a result , they won 't RAT tomorrow ; tomorrow will be devoted to MB / APXS and remote sensing . By the time they discovered this APXS problem , the next sol 's APXS sequences were already set , so they 'll have two sols ' worth of data to redo . Basically the entire extended mission will be devoted to exploring the Columbia Hills . Of course , first we have to get there , or try to . They 're planning 60 sols , plus 30 contingency sols , for that . Over the next few days , they 'll try to work out how long it will take to drive there , and how long Spirit is likely to last . This will tell them how much time they have left over to do science at random targets of interest along the way . In my copious free time , I 've been hacking on RoSE to add features that they 'll need for the extended mission . So far , there hasn 't been a delivery date , so I 've just been working on the changes when I can . Today a delivery date crops up . They want to install it Monday . That means I 'll need every spare minute to finish the work . So I don 't have time to check out an alarming observation about the failed Mazatzal drive . Mark Maimone points out that the tracks show that we passed only about 60cm from a rock called " Skull , " much closer than we should have . The planned drive had about 1 . 5 to 2m of clearance . Skull was a large rock ; if it had been a little taller , this problem might have damaged the solar panels . The positive spin on that , I guess , is that things could have been worse . I do take time to go to the downlink assessment meeting , though . The coolest part of that is a " show and tell " moment : one of the RAT guys passes around a prototype of the RAT . It 's cool to be able to hold it in my hand , press the contact switches against my palm to get a genuine feel for the instrument . I also go to the post - SOWG science talks . Ben Clark tells us about " The Universal Soil of Mars . " The soils and rocks have most elements the same ; only sulfur , chlorine , and maybe potassium differ . Adirondack and Humphrey are made of virtually identical material . In order to tell whether this is only a surface phenomenon , he argues for a deep RAT grind . It might also help to do a progressive brushing : do a light brush , measure the spot afterward , then brush a little more and measure again , and so on , to see how the results change as the dust layer thins and eventually is removed entirely . The really interesting presentation is Geoffrey Landis 's exploration of the " Proposed Spirit Electrostatic Discharge Campaign . " There 's a lot of electrostatic charging on Mars , which comes from the sand grains being rubbed together by wind ( similar to rubbing a balloon ) and from the solar UV . Some of the dust adherence to rocks may be a result of this electrPosted by I get to thinking while driving in to work . We haven 't screwed up many drives , but the ones where we 've had the most trouble have been approaches . Traversing many meters in terrain where you 'll slip an unknown amount , and having to end up in a zone only 10 or 20cm wide , is a recipe for failure . Even in this terrain , where we knew we were slipping 5 - 10 % , given the length of the drive , the uncertainty in the amount of slip exceeds the size of the target zone . So we were , essentially , relying on luck . Gambling . And we lost . The Mazatzal approach was just one example ; we had a similar issue when approaching Humphrey , but it so happened that that drive was planned as a two - cycle drive for other reasons , so they had a chance to recover on the same sol . I decide that the next time we have an approach sol , I 'm going to insist on either visual odometry ( which we currently can 't use because of the irreproducible problem we had with it on Opportunity ) or a two - cycle drive . It might take some selling , but I 'm determined . I don 't want another drive to go wrong , and it 's better to take our time on the approach sol and do the job properly than have to waste one more damn sol recovering . The pass comes , and I 'm relieved to see that we 're just about exactly where we wanted to be . I guess I 'd be another 5 or 10cm closer if I could , but we can still reach plenty of the rock face from here , including RATtable spots . It 's not perfect , but we can do the work we need to do . Not what I was hoping for . But you know what ? Fuck it . I decide to consider this a victory . I look at the front HAZCAMs with Dave Des Marais and Craig Leff . " So , is this a ' white rock ? ' " Craig asks . Dave equivocates on that point , but adds that the politically correct term is " light - toned rock . " " Yeah , but the phrase ' Light - Toned Rock Mafia ' just doesn 't have the same ring to it , " I say . Craig asks if the rock is reachable , and I tell him we should have good coverage on the lower half of the rock at least . They should plan to RAT . " Short drive , huh ? Piece of cake , " he sPosted by I wake up on the wrong side of the bed and arrive at work in an uncharacteristically foul mood . My mood doesn 't improve when I see the results of the drive . We didn 't make it . It looks like we slipped twice as much as predicted ; we 're short of our planned position by maybe half a meter . We wanted to end up where we could IDD Mazatzal , including RATting . But the rock is barely within reach of the IDD , and we definitely can 't RAT it from here . So we 'll have to spend another sol getting where we really need to be . Well , I 'd been wondering what it would feel like to blow it . It doesn 't feel good . In fact , it feels absolutely fucking rotten . In retrospect , I could have lived without knowing that . This makes the downlink assessment meeting an uncomfortable place to be . I feel like everyone 's being careful not to blame me . But it 's my fault . I should have fought to use visodom ; this would have cost us a lot of time and power , but we 'd have pegged the drive . Or maybe I could have found a better approach angle , or something . I should have tried harder . We 'll be here three or four sols . Their commitment to RAT this rock is unshaken , though thanks to me that won 't happen as soon as it might . ( Bah . ) We 'll probably treat Mazatzal the way we treated Humphrey : brush off several spots to get the effect of a single big spot we can effectively MTES , IDD those spots , and grind one or two of them more deeply for closer inspection . Is this a " white rock " of the sort the White Rock Mafia has been agitating for us to investigate ? Nobody seems to have a firm opinion . " Can 't we just say it 's a white rock and be done with it ? " someone asks wearily . The more I sit in the meeting , the less it seems to me that anyone else really is upset about our ( my ) failure to reach Mazatzal . I 'm still deeply upset with myself , but I seem to be the only one . Dave Des Marais even puts a positive spin on it : " In a way , this is ideal for Steve [ Gorevan , the RAT guy ] because he 'll have full control over the approach . " I later sit down with Dave and Steve to talk aboPosted by Our downlink data is delayed by some kind of ground system glitch . The glitch clears up to show us a flattish , whitish rock just in front of us , and a much more interesting fishlike rock a few meters away . It reminds me of a coelacanth or something . So we 're going to MI the nearby whitish rock , then drive to the coelacanth . This all fits neatly into one of the scientists ' sol templates ( a " D - type , " or " dirt - type , " sol ) . The " coelacanth 's " name is Mazatzal , which is the name of a group of mountains in Arizona . Nobody can get this name straight ; all night , people keep calling it " Mazatlan , " " Marzipan , " etc . , until it becomes a running joke . I really wanted them to call it " Coelacanth , " but that would have been worse . I end up attaching a picture of a coelacanth to my uplink report anyway . Our odometry total is 459m , plus the 25m or so we traversed today . Added to Opportunity 's 115m , we are just under 600m combined . The time the scientists save planning by using the new sol templates gives them a lot of time to sit around arguing . They must love them . To kick off the discussion , Jeff Johnson shows a PANCAM spectrum of Bear Claw , the scuff I helped make when I was last on shift . It 's a beautiful , beautiful picture , and the science information revealed by the scuff is no less interesting . The small rocks we see around us seem to be made mostly of the same stuff as Adirondack . The material inside the Serpent drift , the stuff revealed by the scuff , is something different - - they don 't know what yet - - and the dark deposit on the far wall of the crater , with its " mystery feature , " is something in between . That 's surprising , since they expected Serpent 's insides to look the same as the crater deposit . They haven 't yet compared the data to the trench results - - " but that 's a good idea , " Jeff muses , " we should do that . " The scar , however , does show some evidence of the mystery feature , which is also surprising : why would the stuff ( whatever it is ) be in some of these identical - seeming drifts and not in others ? At this point , thePosted by I 'm off shift , which means I spend my time hacking on RoSE instead of doing the glamorous work . We 've traversed another 34 . 3m around the crater , which is a pretty good drive for this rocky terrain . They also scarred a drift as they drove by it - - driving along a drift such that the wheels on one side rode through it , periodically wiggling the wheels and correcting for yaw . They took pictures of the scar before moving on ; this should make for some interesting science . It 's not clear how much farther we 'll travel around the rim before heading for the hills . They 're looking into what data we need to gather , via remote sensing , on the Columbia Hills before we have to pause exploring while they upload the new flight software . It occurred to someone that autonav won 't see a certain type of obstacle as a hazard : a tall , thin spike . Despite the fact that nobody has ever , ever observed such an object on Mars , we get an official directive not to plan autonav drives into an area unless we can rule out the existence of such a hazard . In most cases , if we could see that well into the area in question , we wouldn 't rely on autonav ; we 'd use blind driving instead . The new directive is very stupid . I think Mark instigated the concern about it as a way to drive the project to install the updated flight software , which would detect Martian beanpoles as a hazard . The best news of the day , I think , is that our big picture is back . I think somebody must have taken it to LPSC . In any case , Mars is outside my office door once again . Interestingly , the scuff - drive ended up driving the rover 's right bogie to the hardstop . While climbing over one of the rocks as we backed up , the bogie ( the rear part of the rocker - bogie suspension ) was angled way up . No harm resulted to the vehicle , and as Rich Petras points out , this is something that rocker - bogie suspensions will do from time to time , and none of our modeling tools can predict it well . So I didn 't do anything wrong . But it 's a little freaky to see . I finish implementing a new RoSE feature just in time to go to the downlink assessment meeting . I 'm not really clear on how far they drove yestersol , if at all , but they did some remote sensing on White Elephant . Steve Ruff , reporting the MTES results , deadpans : " It looks like a dusty rock . " The RAT guy , Steve Gorevan , says White Elephant looks " eminently RATtable , " an important consideration for characterizing white rocks . Arvidson seems to want to skip White Elephant , though , feeling that it will slow us down too much . We 're not really sure if the terrain is navigable ( because we don 't have terrain meshes yet ) , and he wants to put more meters on the wheels . One thing they might want us to do while putting meters on the wheels is to deliberately drive one side of the rover along a drift , leaving a big scar for them to image . There are problems with doing this ( it guarantees slippage , which means uncertainty in our positioning , and that uncertainty is multiplied for a longer drive ) . But it sounds like a cool thing to do . Just before the meeting ends , Ray reports that " at LPSC , we were heroes . " Steve Squyres stood up and got a huge round of applause before he even said anything . The room was packed wall to wall - - people were standing in the aisles and along the walls ; you couldn 't enter or leave . " I haven 't seen such excitement since the Viking lander missions , " he says . " Even grumpy old greybeards were ooh - ing and aah - ing . " Once again I have a lousy night 's ( actually , day 's ) sleep . I keep waking up , thinking of ways the drive is going to fail . There are a lot of them . We didn 't correct enough for slip . Or : did we really analyze the depression ahead and to the right of us ? Could any nasty surprises be lurking there ? Or : if we slip too much as we drive downhill , we 'll end up climbing that 20cm rock ahead of us instead of stopping short of it , and if there 's a depression on the far side , we could get high - centered on it - - with the rock scraping the rover 's belly , and the rover unable to gain enough traction with any of its wheels to crawl back off . Of course , this would mean that our imaging was badly wrong , and our simulations were badly wrong , and our slip estimates are badly wrong . But apart from that , it 's very likely . I obsessively check the flight director 's report while getting ready , and am considerably relieved to read that we drove the expected distance and have a scuff mark in front of us . Is it reachable from the IDD ? Did we nail the mid - drive imaging ? The report doesn 't say . But when I get to work and see the results , I 'm shocked . It 's perfect . The scuff is nearly dead center from our final position , with good chunks of it in the IDD work volume . ( In fact , maybe all of it is in the work volume ; the tool that does the preliminary analysis has some limitations that the shape of the scuff might be exposing . ) And the mid - drive NAVCAM , which is a bellwether for the other mid - drive imaging , couldn 't be better . The main body of the scuff is right there in the middle of the image . While I 'm gaping , John Grant says : " Let me be the first to congratulate you on a perfect drive . " When he left last night , he just wanted us to end up somewhere near the scuff . And we executed perfectly . I don 't know if it 's relief or disbelief , but I can 't stop looking at it . I know I say this all the time , but seriously : I worry too damn much . I 'm not on shift today , Chris is , so it will be his job to IDD the scuff ( which has been named " Bear Paw " ; targets Posted by I wake up a couple of hours early , in a near panic . I had completely forgotten that our previous drive had timed out , which means we would have had a goal - error flag set . Mark didn 't mention this in his hastily written downlink report , so we didn 't clear the flag in this drive sequence , which means the drive won 't happen . I dislodge Zenobia , log in from home , and check the telemetry - - only to find that the goal - error flag wasn 't set after all . ( Which must be the actual reason Mark didn 't mention it : there was nothing to mention . ) I don 't understand this , but I 'm so relieved that for the moment I don 't care . I actually manage to get a little more sleep before I have to get up . ( It turns out later that there 's a good explanation why there was no goal error . At the end of our last drive , the rover timed out because it was back - and - forthing , trying to find a safe path . It happened to time out after a backward move , which left a little extra space in front of it . The sequence cleared the timeout error , enabling the rover to complete the final stutter - step into the small safe zone , without producing a goal error . If there had been such an error , Mark would have mentioned it and we would have cleared it as a routine matter ; we do that all the time . So everything was fine . You 'd think my subconscious would have recognized this pattern by now , instead of waking me up all the goddamn time . ) My badge is working again . I stuck around for hours yesterday , just to find out that Security couldn 't help me at all . The project sent them a list of people whose access was supposed to be revoked and mistakenly included my name on it ; apparently , this kind of thing happens all the time . And I 'm far from being the only person it happened to this time : I keep having to open the door for other people whose access was mistakenly revoked along with mine and hasn 't been restored yet . Today 's drive didn 't quite complete , but we got a heck of a lot closer than I expected . We made it to the far side of Serpent and turned to face the bedform ; thaPosted by During my pre - shift time , Frank , who 's trying to stay awake until the CAM , comes down to hang out and shoot the breeze a little . He 's not happy with his SpaceOps paper , he tells me . He wanted to write the definitive paper on how we 're using RSVP to drive the rovers , and ended up with something much less than that . " But I 'll write that paper later , " he shrugs . The world of " writing papers " still seems weird to me . I got so used to working on the kind of code you wouldn 't bother to write a paper about . Necessary stuff , stuff JPL couldn 't do without . But , let 's face it , boring stuff . It 's hard to compete with writing the software we use to drive Mars rovers . Speaking of which . . . " So , what are you planning to do when the project is over ? " Frank asks . I don 't really know . I 've planned to go back to working on the stuff I was working on before , especially since that 's what I 've been promising John [ 1 ] . But I don 't think I 'd be happy with things just going back to the way they were . Something 's going to have to change . I just don 't know what it is . Frank offers to arrange work for me - - graphics stuff , if I want it . Tempting , tempting . But I have promises to keep . And meters to go before I sleep . Against expectations , we 're driving today . Off in the drive direction is a long bedform named " Serpent . " Serpent is too large to drive over , so we 're going around it . The plan for tomorrow is to drive to its southern tip ( this takes us away from the crater rim ) ; we 'll maybe poke at it with the IDD , then head on . We might also study some nearby rocks , since there are some white rocks near Serpent and this gives us a chance to get the fucking white rock business laid to rest once and for all . ( That 's not my characterization ; Ray actually says " fucking . " He wants to drive on in the worst way . I find this impatience endearing , as does Frank , who asks him to come upstairs and light a fire under Opportunity 's scientists so they can get the hell out of their crater already . ) And we might get to do other stuff to Serpent , such as dragging tPosted by It 's starting already : at least temporarily , they 're moving the downlink teams to Earth time . Sigh . I 've decided to keep coming in at my regular time , even though I could be coming in 90 minutes later ( like everyone else ) , so that I can get more work done . Sigh . But maybe this will mean I 'll be able to work less on my days off . ( Fat chance . ) They 've taken another image of the backshell - - or whatever it is - - which have failed to fully clarify the situation . There are several Spongebob Squarepants fans on the project , who have decided that that 's what it is . I guess that counts as finding life on other planets . At the downlink assessment meeting , they have a beautiful color image of the color crater panorama on the big screens . I 'm really getting spoiled by the big screens . When the project is over , I 'm going to have to buy a 3200x1200 projection monitor . Anyway , the plan from here is to work the rim . We 'll be here for about 3 weeks ( later they say 18 - 22 sols ) , inspecting rocks , soils , ripples , deposits , etc . , as we crawl along , and that will take us to the end of the nominal mission . The extended mission will be the drive to Columbia Hills . The guy defending this plan puts up a presentation with a picture of Opportunity 's crater ; there 's a round of good - natured booing . But the point of showing the image is to set a context : in its crater , Opportunity found the interesting stuff ( bedrock ) just below the rim . We can expect something similar here - - we may , for example , not need to clamber all the way down to the bottom of the crater ; exploring the rim and upper slopes may do everything we need . At Bonneville , though , there is no evident outcrop ( which everyone was hoping for ) . Still , there 's significant value in being here . You tend to get more weathering on slopes , since they present a broad face to the wind and allow the weathered material to " escape " ( by running downhill ) , so we 'll see fresh material just beneath us . For the same reason , coatings and non - basalt rock types that don 't weather as fast as basalts will alPosted by At night , there 's a small red light in the sky . On that light lives four hundred pounds of thinking metal sent from Earth . I tell that metal what to do , and it does it .
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Once again , I wake up right on schedule , at least if I were still on Mars time . On Earth time , I 'm hours early . I can 't get back to sleep , so I just go in early . Mars time obviously gets under your skin . As we 're looking at the downlink data , Mark Maimone looks at one of the MERboards and asks when the SOWG meeting is starting . " 18 : 00 ? Or is it still at 19 : 30 ? " he asks . " Um , we 're on Earth time now , " I remind him . " It 's at 10 . " " Oh , yeah , " he says ruefully . " I can 't even think in PST any more . " So our plan is to make the big RAT - brush mosaic we didn 't get our chance to do yestersol , then drive off . But we don 't want to drive off until we 're sure the RATting worked . Some RAT - related failures would result in an IDD fault similar to the one we had yestersol ; the IDD will stay where it is , won 't stow , and so we won 't drive . This is what we want . Unfortunately , some RAT failures don 't cause this to happen ; the rover will blithely drive away without finishing the job . And the scientists don 't want that . Julie says that there 's an " OK to RAT " flag we can test in a sequence to have the sequence make these decisions . I don 't remember this flag , but I 'm not totally familiar with the set . So , good , this gives us a solution : the drive sequences will ask if we 're OK to RAT , and otherwise terminate without moving . It 's not until the end of the SOWG meeting that I have a chance to check Julie 's assertion . Should have checked sooner . There is no " OK to RAT " flag . We 've just built our whole plan around one , though , so we have to scramble to replan . The new plan drops the long part of the drive ; we 're just going to back up a meter for the standoff imaging and stay there . I suggest driving forward again after the imaging ; that way , if anything went wrong , we can fix it the next sol instead of having to dedicate an additional sol to just driving back up to the rock . ( It doesn 't take us a whole sol to drive a meter , but for safety reasons we 're not allowed to do go - and - touch in a single sol . ) Ray likes the idea , but it gets nixed later in tPosted by So this is our first sol on Earth time . At least they 've chosen to keep things simple thisol . In case you can 't tell , that 's sarcasm . The plan for thisol is to do a complex RAT - brush mosaic , making a big dust - free spot on Mazatzal for the MTES , then back up about 85cm so the MTES can see it . After that , we 'll drive about 15m , following the path I worked out in advance yestersol , and then autonav as long as they 'll let us . Or should I say , that was the plan . Then word comes that yestersol 's IDD sequence faulted out , and all the images look wrong , and nobody knows why . Since we 're on Earth time , nobody 's around , so I start looking into the problem myself . I quickly discover that my ability to do this is limited . I have no problem finding the list of warnings and errors that the spacecraft has sent back , but since I never look at them , I don 't really know what 's normal and what isn 't . I write down a particularly suspicious subset and ask for help from Jessica Collisson - - who graciously works on analyzing the problem with me , even though she 's on Opportunity and right now they have an anomaly of their own . This doesn 't look good . The rover says one of the IDD tools had a contact switch in an unexpected state . Jessica and I don 't know which switches are reporting contact , because we 're not experienced enough to decode the data we 're looking at , but knowing this much leads me to an alarming possibility . We had a frustrating problem during one of the PORTs [ 1 ] when we left the APXS contact switches enabled after opening the APXS doors ; a sequence failed that should have worked perfectly , because the switches falsely signaled a contact . The vehicle thought the arm had whacked into a rock or the ground and set an error flag , which caused the rest of the sequence to refuse to move the arm . It turns out that those switches are flaky ; they often spuriously signal a contact when the doors are open , so we have to disable them after opening the doors ( when we are actually going to place the instrument and therefore might see real Posted by It 's our last sol on Mars time . I spend a lot of the pre - shift time working ahead , trying to assess the terrain for our upcoming drive . Our long - term drive path is blocked by a rock I dub " Combover Pig , " so we 'll have to go southwest before we can head east to the hills . But there 's a bigger problem in the near zone . I try to persuade myself that there 's a short path to the other side of Mazatzal , but the terrain doesn 't want to cooperate . There 's a 15cm rock in the way - - which is not a hazard per se , but there 's a 15cm - deep depression on the other side of the rock , making 30cm total , and that 's an unsafe combination . I work on some ways to use the terrain against itself , putting one wheel up on the rock and straddling the depression , but there are worst - case scenarios no matter how we go . I 'm almost willing to risk it anyway , but I run out of time to look at it without really reaching a resolution . They used another one of my rover wakeup songs - - Cake 's " The Distance " - - on Opportunity . This is because Opportunity set a new single - sol distance record : 48 . 9m . We 're unlikely to surpass that record , but they will . I 've been worried whether we chose the right mesh yestersol , so I 'm anxiously waiting around in the SMSA when the pass starts . The minute the images start flowing , John Grant walks up with a huge smile . " You made the right call , " he says . The RAT placement was right on the money . Mark points out that our image of the APXS doors , which is just intended to verify that the doors have closed after an APXS operation , was taken at a higher quality than we think is necessary . It 's not a big deal , making only a few KB of difference in the downlink , but this piques my curiosity , and I go ask Justin Maki about it . He doesn 't see any reason we need the higher quality either , but it 's what they 're doing on Opportunity , and it 's simpler for everyone if we just let the missions be consistent . And since it 's not a significant difference in the downlink volume anyway , we decide to drop it . But this gets us into a discussioPosted by We might start driving tomorrow , sooner than I thought - - if not tomorrow , then the sol after . They still haven 't decided where we 're going from here , along the rim or straight away from the crater . I start looking through the imagery we have , to see if we 've got a safe path in either direction . Neither one looks good . Opportunity is driving today . Only a few sols out of their crater and they 're going to break our one - sol drive - distance record : 48m tomorrow , or so . And they 'll better that record on future sols . Before long , they 'll set a record we have no hope of breaking . Oh , well . It was nice while it lasted . I chat with Frank about this for a little while , and about other things . They 're going to stay on Mars time a little longer than we are . Frank isn 't going to miss Mars time , but I am . I realized one of the reasons why when I was walking in today at 3 : 30 AM : coming to work at all times of the day and night emphasizes the uniqueness of what we 're doing . When we start keeping regular , Earth - time hours , it just won 't seem quite as special any more . Frank grudgingly agrees . " You want to see something really cool ? " Justin Maki asks . Who wouldn 't ? Justin shows us two really cool things . First is an animation of all the MI images that have been taken on Opportunity . The second is even cooler : Stubbe Hviid has put together a movie of all of the front HAZCAM images we 've taken on Spirit . The movie incorporates all of our drives and IDD work up to this point - - the last three months of my life , flashing before my eyes . We 've packed a lot into those three months . Mark has solved the visual odometry problem that caused Opportunity to behave so strangely when they tried it . It turns out that the code wasn 't properly thinking in 3 - D , causing it to think the goal point was closer than it really is . We might get a solution in place and tested in time for us to use it when driving away from here , though I doubt it . Today 's sequencing should be simple : a RAT placement , a bit of IDD work . Of course , it doesn 't work out that way . TPosted by Ah , a short day . I needed one of those . I have another interview with WBBB , the Raleigh station , and it goes really well . Interviewing with morning shows is strange in one respect : because they 're trying to keep the show 's energy level high and make their listeners feel good about being awake so godawful early , they laugh at everything you say that 's even remotely funny . Even though they 're doing it for show reasons and not for me , it helps me see a little of how it is to be famous or powerful . It 's like a little taste of that insular world that you always hear that famous people live in . This helps explain famous people . I kind of feel sorry for them . Yestersol 's RAT operation was incomplete . It didn 't drill as deep as they wanted , but even more oddly , the left half of the resulting circle is white , and the right half is dark - - a little like the yin - yang symbol . They don 't know why this happened , but they 're going to do it over . And in passing , Atmospheres [ 1 ] says that we 're getting into a time of the Martian year where we may be able to see clouds . Those will be some damn cool images . Courtesy NASA / JPL - Caltech . Curiously bi - colored RAT spot . Courtesy NASA / JPL - Caltech . Confirming that Spirit 's APXS dust doors are closed . Footnotes : [ 1 ] That is , the subset of the science team that studies the Martian atmosphere . Once again , I devote my day to the updated RoSE delivery , implementing the remaining requested feature and packaging a new test release . So much for that . The extended mission may be extended further than I had thought . All of a sudden , people are talking about Spirit lasting 270 sols ( 150 for Opportunity ) . As of Monday - - only a few days from now - - we 're on Earth time , and the Earth - time schedule starts at 7AM . I can 't do six months of 7AM , but Chris and John will likely take mornings , and I 'll take afternoons . Happily , this doesn 't mean I 'll be RP - 2 all the time , because our days will shift in such a way that , after a while , the afternoon shift is doing the first half of the plan , and the next day 's morning shift finishes that plan . So the humans will stay on the same schedule and let Mars rotate around us , rather than vice versa . Once again , the downlink assessment meeting reveals that our Mazatzal exploration schedule has been pushed back slightly ; RATting takes a lot of energy , and we 'll need sol 82 to charge the batteries . Now the drive starts on sol 85 . True to form , the software update has been delayed again as well ; it now starts on sol 96 . Xeno would be so proud . They revisit the question of how far to traverse the crater before heading for the hills . The tradeoff is that we 'll get less 3 - D data on the crater ( we won 't ever see the parts of it that were initially hidden by the rim itself ) vs . getting to the hills that much sooner . The sooner we start the long - haul drive , Ray points out , the more energy we have to drive with ; and we might as well start driving while the rover is completely healthy . " How far around the rim would we have to go to make staying here worthwhile ? A hundred meters ? " Ray asks . " Less than a hundred meters , " Larry Crumpler answers . " Ninety - nine meters ? " " Ninety - nine meters , yeah , " says Larry . " So how many people just want to get the hell out of here ? " Ray asks . When he rephrases it a little more neutrally , the vote overwhelmingly favors driving to the hills early . Props to Long John SiPosted by I spend basically the whole night working on the new delivery of RoSE , and am able to cut a preliminary release ( missing only one feature , which I 'll do tomorrow ) for testing . I interrupt this only for the downlink assessment meeting . The MB PUL reports some surprising results from their instrument . We don 't seem to see through the dust on Mazatzal - - they see more Fe3 + , not less , after brushing . Someone also has a presentation diagramming rock layers , from the outside in : Loose mantle Cemented coating Rock alteration products ( friable ) Moderately altered rock ( indurated ) Unaltered parent rockThe RAT can in principle drill all the way down , but so far we 're seeing surface phenomena only . They plan to spend more time here than they originally scheduled ; now the drive is set to start on sol 84 or 85 . This is partly because this will have to be a recovery sol : the APXS doors did not fully open on our latest placement ( roughly , it turns out we have to push a little harder on them than we 've been told to ) , so they need to redo the work . As a result , they won 't RAT tomorrow ; tomorrow will be devoted to MB / APXS and remote sensing . By the time they discovered this APXS problem , the next sol 's APXS sequences were already set , so they 'll have two sols ' worth of data to redo . Basically the entire extended mission will be devoted to exploring the Columbia Hills . Of course , first we have to get there , or try to . They 're planning 60 sols , plus 30 contingency sols , for that . Over the next few days , they 'll try to work out how long it will take to drive there , and how long Spirit is likely to last . This will tell them how much time they have left over to do science at random targets of interest along the way . In my copious free time , I 've been hacking on RoSE to add features that they 'll need for the extended mission . So far , there hasn 't been a delivery date , so I 've just been working on the changes when I can . Today a delivery date crops up . They want to install it Monday . That means I 'll need every spare minute to finish the work . So I don 't have time to check out an alarming observation about the failed Mazatzal drive . Mark Maimone points out that the tracks show that we passed only about 60cm from a rock called " Skull , " much closer than we should have . The planned drive had about 1 . 5 to 2m of clearance . Skull was a large rock ; if it had been a little taller , this problem might have damaged the solar panels . The positive spin on that , I guess , is that things could have been worse . I do take time to go to the downlink assessment meeting , though . The coolest part of that is a " show and tell " moment : one of the RAT guys passes around a prototype of the RAT . It 's cool to be able to hold it in my hand , press the contact switches against my palm to get a genuine feel for the instrument . I also go to the post - SOWG science talks . Ben Clark tells us about " The Universal Soil of Mars . " The soils and rocks have most elements the same ; only sulfur , chlorine , and maybe potassium differ . Adirondack and Humphrey are made of virtually identical material . In order to tell whether this is only a surface phenomenon , he argues for a deep RAT grind . It might also help to do a progressive brushing : do a light brush , measure the spot afterward , then brush a little more and measure again , and so on , to see how the results change as the dust layer thins and eventually is removed entirely . The really interesting presentation is Geoffrey Landis 's exploration of the " Proposed Spirit Electrostatic Discharge Campaign . " There 's a lot of electrostatic charging on Mars , which comes from the sand grains being rubbed together by wind ( similar to rubbing a balloon ) and from the solar UV . Some of the dust adherence to rocks may be a result of this electrPosted by I get to thinking while driving in to work . We haven 't screwed up many drives , but the ones where we 've had the most trouble have been approaches . Traversing many meters in terrain where you 'll slip an unknown amount , and having to end up in a zone only 10 or 20cm wide , is a recipe for failure . Even in this terrain , where we knew we were slipping 5 - 10 % , given the length of the drive , the uncertainty in the amount of slip exceeds the size of the target zone . So we were , essentially , relying on luck . Gambling . And we lost . The Mazatzal approach was just one example ; we had a similar issue when approaching Humphrey , but it so happened that that drive was planned as a two - cycle drive for other reasons , so they had a chance to recover on the same sol . I decide that the next time we have an approach sol , I 'm going to insist on either visual odometry ( which we currently can 't use because of the irreproducible problem we had with it on Opportunity ) or a two - cycle drive . It might take some selling , but I 'm determined . I don 't want another drive to go wrong , and it 's better to take our time on the approach sol and do the job properly than have to waste one more damn sol recovering . The pass comes , and I 'm relieved to see that we 're just about exactly where we wanted to be . I guess I 'd be another 5 or 10cm closer if I could , but we can still reach plenty of the rock face from here , including RATtable spots . It 's not perfect , but we can do the work we need to do . Not what I was hoping for . But you know what ? Fuck it . I decide to consider this a victory . I look at the front HAZCAMs with Dave Des Marais and Craig Leff . " So , is this a ' white rock ? ' " Craig asks . Dave equivocates on that point , but adds that the politically correct term is " light - toned rock . " " Yeah , but the phrase ' Light - Toned Rock Mafia ' just doesn 't have the same ring to it , " I say . Craig asks if the rock is reachable , and I tell him we should have good coverage on the lower half of the rock at least . They should plan to RAT . " Short drive , huh ? Piece of cake , " he sPosted by I wake up on the wrong side of the bed and arrive at work in an uncharacteristically foul mood . My mood doesn 't improve when I see the results of the drive . We didn 't make it . It looks like we slipped twice as much as predicted ; we 're short of our planned position by maybe half a meter . We wanted to end up where we could IDD Mazatzal , including RATting . But the rock is barely within reach of the IDD , and we definitely can 't RAT it from here . So we 'll have to spend another sol getting where we really need to be . Well , I 'd been wondering what it would feel like to blow it . It doesn 't feel good . In fact , it feels absolutely fucking rotten . In retrospect , I could have lived without knowing that . This makes the downlink assessment meeting an uncomfortable place to be . I feel like everyone 's being careful not to blame me . But it 's my fault . I should have fought to use visodom ; this would have cost us a lot of time and power , but we 'd have pegged the drive . Or maybe I could have found a better approach angle , or something . I should have tried harder . We 'll be here three or four sols . Their commitment to RAT this rock is unshaken , though thanks to me that won 't happen as soon as it might . ( Bah . ) We 'll probably treat Mazatzal the way we treated Humphrey : brush off several spots to get the effect of a single big spot we can effectively MTES , IDD those spots , and grind one or two of them more deeply for closer inspection . Is this a " white rock " of the sort the White Rock Mafia has been agitating for us to investigate ? Nobody seems to have a firm opinion . " Can 't we just say it 's a white rock and be done with it ? " someone asks wearily . The more I sit in the meeting , the less it seems to me that anyone else really is upset about our ( my ) failure to reach Mazatzal . I 'm still deeply upset with myself , but I seem to be the only one . Dave Des Marais even puts a positive spin on it : " In a way , this is ideal for Steve [ Gorevan , the RAT guy ] because he 'll have full control over the approach . " I later sit down with Dave and Steve to talk aboPosted by Our downlink data is delayed by some kind of ground system glitch . The glitch clears up to show us a flattish , whitish rock just in front of us , and a much more interesting fishlike rock a few meters away . It reminds me of a coelacanth or something . So we 're going to MI the nearby whitish rock , then drive to the coelacanth . This all fits neatly into one of the scientists ' sol templates ( a " D - type , " or " dirt - type , " sol ) . The " coelacanth 's " name is Mazatzal , which is the name of a group of mountains in Arizona . Nobody can get this name straight ; all night , people keep calling it " Mazatlan , " " Marzipan , " etc . , until it becomes a running joke . I really wanted them to call it " Coelacanth , " but that would have been worse . I end up attaching a picture of a coelacanth to my uplink report anyway . Our odometry total is 459m , plus the 25m or so we traversed today . Added to Opportunity 's 115m , we are just under 600m combined . The time the scientists save planning by using the new sol templates gives them a lot of time to sit around arguing . They must love them . To kick off the discussion , Jeff Johnson shows a PANCAM spectrum of Bear Claw , the scuff I helped make when I was last on shift . It 's a beautiful , beautiful picture , and the science information revealed by the scuff is no less interesting . The small rocks we see around us seem to be made mostly of the same stuff as Adirondack . The material inside the Serpent drift , the stuff revealed by the scuff , is something different - - they don 't know what yet - - and the dark deposit on the far wall of the crater , with its " mystery feature , " is something in between . That 's surprising , since they expected Serpent 's insides to look the same as the crater deposit . They haven 't yet compared the data to the trench results - - " but that 's a good idea , " Jeff muses , " we should do that . " The scar , however , does show some evidence of the mystery feature , which is also surprising : why would the stuff ( whatever it is ) be in some of these identical - seeming drifts and not in others ? At this point , thePosted by I 'm off shift , which means I spend my time hacking on RoSE instead of doing the glamorous work . We 've traversed another 34 . 3m around the crater , which is a pretty good drive for this rocky terrain . They also scarred a drift as they drove by it - - driving along a drift such that the wheels on one side rode through it , periodically wiggling the wheels and correcting for yaw . They took pictures of the scar before moving on ; this should make for some interesting science . It 's not clear how much farther we 'll travel around the rim before heading for the hills . They 're looking into what data we need to gather , via remote sensing , on the Columbia Hills before we have to pause exploring while they upload the new flight software . It occurred to someone that autonav won 't see a certain type of obstacle as a hazard : a tall , thin spike . Despite the fact that nobody has ever , ever observed such an object on Mars , we get an official directive not to plan autonav drives into an area unless we can rule out the existence of such a hazard . In most cases , if we could see that well into the area in question , we wouldn 't rely on autonav ; we 'd use blind driving instead . The new directive is very stupid . I think Mark instigated the concern about it as a way to drive the project to install the updated flight software , which would detect Martian beanpoles as a hazard . The best news of the day , I think , is that our big picture is back . I think somebody must have taken it to LPSC . In any case , Mars is outside my office door once again . Interestingly , the scuff - drive ended up driving the rover 's right bogie to the hardstop . While climbing over one of the rocks as we backed up , the bogie ( the rear part of the rocker - bogie suspension ) was angled way up . No harm resulted to the vehicle , and as Rich Petras points out , this is something that rocker - bogie suspensions will do from time to time , and none of our modeling tools can predict it well . So I didn 't do anything wrong . But it 's a little freaky to see . I finish implementing a new RoSE feature just in time to go to the downlink assessment meeting . I 'm not really clear on how far they drove yestersol , if at all , but they did some remote sensing on White Elephant . Steve Ruff , reporting the MTES results , deadpans : " It looks like a dusty rock . " The RAT guy , Steve Gorevan , says White Elephant looks " eminently RATtable , " an important consideration for characterizing white rocks . Arvidson seems to want to skip White Elephant , though , feeling that it will slow us down too much . We 're not really sure if the terrain is navigable ( because we don 't have terrain meshes yet ) , and he wants to put more meters on the wheels . One thing they might want us to do while putting meters on the wheels is to deliberately drive one side of the rover along a drift , leaving a big scar for them to image . There are problems with doing this ( it guarantees slippage , which means uncertainty in our positioning , and that uncertainty is multiplied for a longer drive ) . But it sounds like a cool thing to do . Just before the meeting ends , Ray reports that " at LPSC , we were heroes . " Steve Squyres stood up and got a huge round of applause before he even said anything . The room was packed wall to wall - - people were standing in the aisles and along the walls ; you couldn 't enter or leave . " I haven 't seen such excitement since the Viking lander missions , " he says . " Even grumpy old greybeards were ooh - ing and aah - ing . " Once again I have a lousy night 's ( actually , day 's ) sleep . I keep waking up , thinking of ways the drive is going to fail . There are a lot of them . We didn 't correct enough for slip . Or : did we really analyze the depression ahead and to the right of us ? Could any nasty surprises be lurking there ? Or : if we slip too much as we drive downhill , we 'll end up climbing that 20cm rock ahead of us instead of stopping short of it , and if there 's a depression on the far side , we could get high - centered on it - - with the rock scraping the rover 's belly , and the rover unable to gain enough traction with any of its wheels to crawl back off . Of course , this would mean that our imaging was badly wrong , and our simulations were badly wrong , and our slip estimates are badly wrong . But apart from that , it 's very likely . I obsessively check the flight director 's report while getting ready , and am considerably relieved to read that we drove the expected distance and have a scuff mark in front of us . Is it reachable from the IDD ? Did we nail the mid - drive imaging ? The report doesn 't say . But when I get to work and see the results , I 'm shocked . It 's perfect . The scuff is nearly dead center from our final position , with good chunks of it in the IDD work volume . ( In fact , maybe all of it is in the work volume ; the tool that does the preliminary analysis has some limitations that the shape of the scuff might be exposing . ) And the mid - drive NAVCAM , which is a bellwether for the other mid - drive imaging , couldn 't be better . The main body of the scuff is right there in the middle of the image . While I 'm gaping , John Grant says : " Let me be the first to congratulate you on a perfect drive . " When he left last night , he just wanted us to end up somewhere near the scuff . And we executed perfectly . I don 't know if it 's relief or disbelief , but I can 't stop looking at it . I know I say this all the time , but seriously : I worry too damn much . I 'm not on shift today , Chris is , so it will be his job to IDD the scuff ( which has been named " Bear Paw " ; targets Posted by I wake up a couple of hours early , in a near panic . I had completely forgotten that our previous drive had timed out , which means we would have had a goal - error flag set . Mark didn 't mention this in his hastily written downlink report , so we didn 't clear the flag in this drive sequence , which means the drive won 't happen . I dislodge Zenobia , log in from home , and check the telemetry - - only to find that the goal - error flag wasn 't set after all . ( Which must be the actual reason Mark didn 't mention it : there was nothing to mention . ) I don 't understand this , but I 'm so relieved that for the moment I don 't care . I actually manage to get a little more sleep before I have to get up . ( It turns out later that there 's a good explanation why there was no goal error . At the end of our last drive , the rover timed out because it was back - and - forthing , trying to find a safe path . It happened to time out after a backward move , which left a little extra space in front of it . The sequence cleared the timeout error , enabling the rover to complete the final stutter - step into the small safe zone , without producing a goal error . If there had been such an error , Mark would have mentioned it and we would have cleared it as a routine matter ; we do that all the time . So everything was fine . You 'd think my subconscious would have recognized this pattern by now , instead of waking me up all the goddamn time . ) My badge is working again . I stuck around for hours yesterday , just to find out that Security couldn 't help me at all . The project sent them a list of people whose access was supposed to be revoked and mistakenly included my name on it ; apparently , this kind of thing happens all the time . And I 'm far from being the only person it happened to this time : I keep having to open the door for other people whose access was mistakenly revoked along with mine and hasn 't been restored yet . Today 's drive didn 't quite complete , but we got a heck of a lot closer than I expected . We made it to the far side of Serpent and turned to face the bedform ; thaPosted by During my pre - shift time , Frank , who 's trying to stay awake until the CAM , comes down to hang out and shoot the breeze a little . He 's not happy with his SpaceOps paper , he tells me . He wanted to write the definitive paper on how we 're using RSVP to drive the rovers , and ended up with something much less than that . " But I 'll write that paper later , " he shrugs . The world of " writing papers " still seems weird to me . I got so used to working on the kind of code you wouldn 't bother to write a paper about . Necessary stuff , stuff JPL couldn 't do without . But , let 's face it , boring stuff . It 's hard to compete with writing the software we use to drive Mars rovers . Speaking of which . . . " So , what are you planning to do when the project is over ? " Frank asks . I don 't really know . I 've planned to go back to working on the stuff I was working on before , especially since that 's what I 've been promising John [ 1 ] . But I don 't think I 'd be happy with things just going back to the way they were . Something 's going to have to change . I just don 't know what it is . Frank offers to arrange work for me - - graphics stuff , if I want it . Tempting , tempting . But I have promises to keep . And meters to go before I sleep . Against expectations , we 're driving today . Off in the drive direction is a long bedform named " Serpent . " Serpent is too large to drive over , so we 're going around it . The plan for tomorrow is to drive to its southern tip ( this takes us away from the crater rim ) ; we 'll maybe poke at it with the IDD , then head on . We might also study some nearby rocks , since there are some white rocks near Serpent and this gives us a chance to get the fucking white rock business laid to rest once and for all . ( That 's not my characterization ; Ray actually says " fucking . " He wants to drive on in the worst way . I find this impatience endearing , as does Frank , who asks him to come upstairs and light a fire under Opportunity 's scientists so they can get the hell out of their crater already . ) And we might get to do other stuff to Serpent , such as dragging tPosted by It 's starting already : at least temporarily , they 're moving the downlink teams to Earth time . Sigh . I 've decided to keep coming in at my regular time , even though I could be coming in 90 minutes later ( like everyone else ) , so that I can get more work done . Sigh . But maybe this will mean I 'll be able to work less on my days off . ( Fat chance . ) They 've taken another image of the backshell - - or whatever it is - - which have failed to fully clarify the situation . There are several Spongebob Squarepants fans on the project , who have decided that that 's what it is . I guess that counts as finding life on other planets . At the downlink assessment meeting , they have a beautiful color image of the color crater panorama on the big screens . I 'm really getting spoiled by the big screens . When the project is over , I 'm going to have to buy a 3200x1200 projection monitor . Anyway , the plan from here is to work the rim . We 'll be here for about 3 weeks ( later they say 18 - 22 sols ) , inspecting rocks , soils , ripples , deposits , etc . , as we crawl along , and that will take us to the end of the nominal mission . The extended mission will be the drive to Columbia Hills . The guy defending this plan puts up a presentation with a picture of Opportunity 's crater ; there 's a round of good - natured booing . But the point of showing the image is to set a context : in its crater , Opportunity found the interesting stuff ( bedrock ) just below the rim . We can expect something similar here - - we may , for example , not need to clamber all the way down to the bottom of the crater ; exploring the rim and upper slopes may do everything we need . At Bonneville , though , there is no evident outcrop ( which everyone was hoping for ) . Still , there 's significant value in being here . You tend to get more weathering on slopes , since they present a broad face to the wind and allow the weathered material to " escape " ( by running downhill ) , so we 'll see fresh material just beneath us . For the same reason , coatings and non - basalt rock types that don 't weather as fast as basalts will alPosted by At night , there 's a small red light in the sky . On that light lives four hundred pounds of thinking metal sent from Earth . I tell that metal what to do , and it does it .
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Once again , I wake up right on schedule , at least if I were still on Mars time . On Earth time , I 'm hours early . I can 't get back to sleep , so I just go in early . Mars time obviously gets under your skin . As we 're looking at the downlink data , Mark Maimone looks at one of the MERboards and asks when the SOWG meeting is starting . " 18 : 00 ? Or is it still at 19 : 30 ? " he asks . " Um , we 're on Earth time now , " I remind him . " It 's at 10 . " " Oh , yeah , " he says ruefully . " I can 't even think in PST any more . " So our plan is to make the big RAT - brush mosaic we didn 't get our chance to do yestersol , then drive off . But we don 't want to drive off until we 're sure the RATting worked . Some RAT - related failures would result in an IDD fault similar to the one we had yestersol ; the IDD will stay where it is , won 't stow , and so we won 't drive . This is what we want . Unfortunately , some RAT failures don 't cause this to happen ; the rover will blithely drive away without finishing the job . And the scientists don 't want that . Julie says that there 's an " OK to RAT " flag we can test in a sequence to have the sequence make these decisions . I don 't remember this flag , but I 'm not totally familiar with the set . So , good , this gives us a solution : the drive sequences will ask if we 're OK to RAT , and otherwise terminate without moving . It 's not until the end of the SOWG meeting that I have a chance to check Julie 's assertion . Should have checked sooner . There is no " OK to RAT " flag . We 've just built our whole plan around one , though , so we have to scramble to replan . The new plan drops the long part of the drive ; we 're just going to back up a meter for the standoff imaging and stay there . I suggest driving forward again after the imaging ; that way , if anything went wrong , we can fix it the next sol instead of having to dedicate an additional sol to just driving back up to the rock . ( It doesn 't take us a whole sol to drive a meter , but for safety reasons we 're not allowed to do go - and - touch in a single sol . ) Ray likes the idea , but it gets nixed later in tPosted by So this is our first sol on Earth time . At least they 've chosen to keep things simple thisol . In case you can 't tell , that 's sarcasm . The plan for thisol is to do a complex RAT - brush mosaic , making a big dust - free spot on Mazatzal for the MTES , then back up about 85cm so the MTES can see it . After that , we 'll drive about 15m , following the path I worked out in advance yestersol , and then autonav as long as they 'll let us . Or should I say , that was the plan . Then word comes that yestersol 's IDD sequence faulted out , and all the images look wrong , and nobody knows why . Since we 're on Earth time , nobody 's around , so I start looking into the problem myself . I quickly discover that my ability to do this is limited . I have no problem finding the list of warnings and errors that the spacecraft has sent back , but since I never look at them , I don 't really know what 's normal and what isn 't . I write down a particularly suspicious subset and ask for help from Jessica Collisson - - who graciously works on analyzing the problem with me , even though she 's on Opportunity and right now they have an anomaly of their own . This doesn 't look good . The rover says one of the IDD tools had a contact switch in an unexpected state . Jessica and I don 't know which switches are reporting contact , because we 're not experienced enough to decode the data we 're looking at , but knowing this much leads me to an alarming possibility . We had a frustrating problem during one of the PORTs [ 1 ] when we left the APXS contact switches enabled after opening the APXS doors ; a sequence failed that should have worked perfectly , because the switches falsely signaled a contact . The vehicle thought the arm had whacked into a rock or the ground and set an error flag , which caused the rest of the sequence to refuse to move the arm . It turns out that those switches are flaky ; they often spuriously signal a contact when the doors are open , so we have to disable them after opening the doors ( when we are actually going to place the instrument and therefore might see real Posted by It 's our last sol on Mars time . I spend a lot of the pre - shift time working ahead , trying to assess the terrain for our upcoming drive . Our long - term drive path is blocked by a rock I dub " Combover Pig , " so we 'll have to go southwest before we can head east to the hills . But there 's a bigger problem in the near zone . I try to persuade myself that there 's a short path to the other side of Mazatzal , but the terrain doesn 't want to cooperate . There 's a 15cm rock in the way - - which is not a hazard per se , but there 's a 15cm - deep depression on the other side of the rock , making 30cm total , and that 's an unsafe combination . I work on some ways to use the terrain against itself , putting one wheel up on the rock and straddling the depression , but there are worst - case scenarios no matter how we go . I 'm almost willing to risk it anyway , but I run out of time to look at it without really reaching a resolution . They used another one of my rover wakeup songs - - Cake 's " The Distance " - - on Opportunity . This is because Opportunity set a new single - sol distance record : 48 . 9m . We 're unlikely to surpass that record , but they will . I 've been worried whether we chose the right mesh yestersol , so I 'm anxiously waiting around in the SMSA when the pass starts . The minute the images start flowing , John Grant walks up with a huge smile . " You made the right call , " he says . The RAT placement was right on the money . Mark points out that our image of the APXS doors , which is just intended to verify that the doors have closed after an APXS operation , was taken at a higher quality than we think is necessary . It 's not a big deal , making only a few KB of difference in the downlink , but this piques my curiosity , and I go ask Justin Maki about it . He doesn 't see any reason we need the higher quality either , but it 's what they 're doing on Opportunity , and it 's simpler for everyone if we just let the missions be consistent . And since it 's not a significant difference in the downlink volume anyway , we decide to drop it . But this gets us into a discussioPosted by We might start driving tomorrow , sooner than I thought - - if not tomorrow , then the sol after . They still haven 't decided where we 're going from here , along the rim or straight away from the crater . I start looking through the imagery we have , to see if we 've got a safe path in either direction . Neither one looks good . Opportunity is driving today . Only a few sols out of their crater and they 're going to break our one - sol drive - distance record : 48m tomorrow , or so . And they 'll better that record on future sols . Before long , they 'll set a record we have no hope of breaking . Oh , well . It was nice while it lasted . I chat with Frank about this for a little while , and about other things . They 're going to stay on Mars time a little longer than we are . Frank isn 't going to miss Mars time , but I am . I realized one of the reasons why when I was walking in today at 3 : 30 AM : coming to work at all times of the day and night emphasizes the uniqueness of what we 're doing . When we start keeping regular , Earth - time hours , it just won 't seem quite as special any more . Frank grudgingly agrees . " You want to see something really cool ? " Justin Maki asks . Who wouldn 't ? Justin shows us two really cool things . First is an animation of all the MI images that have been taken on Opportunity . The second is even cooler : Stubbe Hviid has put together a movie of all of the front HAZCAM images we 've taken on Spirit . The movie incorporates all of our drives and IDD work up to this point - - the last three months of my life , flashing before my eyes . We 've packed a lot into those three months . Mark has solved the visual odometry problem that caused Opportunity to behave so strangely when they tried it . It turns out that the code wasn 't properly thinking in 3 - D , causing it to think the goal point was closer than it really is . We might get a solution in place and tested in time for us to use it when driving away from here , though I doubt it . Today 's sequencing should be simple : a RAT placement , a bit of IDD work . Of course , it doesn 't work out that way . TPosted by Ah , a short day . I needed one of those . I have another interview with WBBB , the Raleigh station , and it goes really well . Interviewing with morning shows is strange in one respect : because they 're trying to keep the show 's energy level high and make their listeners feel good about being awake so godawful early , they laugh at everything you say that 's even remotely funny . Even though they 're doing it for show reasons and not for me , it helps me see a little of how it is to be famous or powerful . It 's like a little taste of that insular world that you always hear that famous people live in . This helps explain famous people . I kind of feel sorry for them . Yestersol 's RAT operation was incomplete . It didn 't drill as deep as they wanted , but even more oddly , the left half of the resulting circle is white , and the right half is dark - - a little like the yin - yang symbol . They don 't know why this happened , but they 're going to do it over . And in passing , Atmospheres [ 1 ] says that we 're getting into a time of the Martian year where we may be able to see clouds . Those will be some damn cool images . Courtesy NASA / JPL - Caltech . Curiously bi - colored RAT spot . Courtesy NASA / JPL - Caltech . Confirming that Spirit 's APXS dust doors are closed . Footnotes : [ 1 ] That is , the subset of the science team that studies the Martian atmosphere . Once again , I devote my day to the updated RoSE delivery , implementing the remaining requested feature and packaging a new test release . So much for that . The extended mission may be extended further than I had thought . All of a sudden , people are talking about Spirit lasting 270 sols ( 150 for Opportunity ) . As of Monday - - only a few days from now - - we 're on Earth time , and the Earth - time schedule starts at 7AM . I can 't do six months of 7AM , but Chris and John will likely take mornings , and I 'll take afternoons . Happily , this doesn 't mean I 'll be RP - 2 all the time , because our days will shift in such a way that , after a while , the afternoon shift is doing the first half of the plan , and the next day 's morning shift finishes that plan . So the humans will stay on the same schedule and let Mars rotate around us , rather than vice versa . Once again , the downlink assessment meeting reveals that our Mazatzal exploration schedule has been pushed back slightly ; RATting takes a lot of energy , and we 'll need sol 82 to charge the batteries . Now the drive starts on sol 85 . True to form , the software update has been delayed again as well ; it now starts on sol 96 . Xeno would be so proud . They revisit the question of how far to traverse the crater before heading for the hills . The tradeoff is that we 'll get less 3 - D data on the crater ( we won 't ever see the parts of it that were initially hidden by the rim itself ) vs . getting to the hills that much sooner . The sooner we start the long - haul drive , Ray points out , the more energy we have to drive with ; and we might as well start driving while the rover is completely healthy . " How far around the rim would we have to go to make staying here worthwhile ? A hundred meters ? " Ray asks . " Less than a hundred meters , " Larry Crumpler answers . " Ninety - nine meters ? " " Ninety - nine meters , yeah , " says Larry . " So how many people just want to get the hell out of here ? " Ray asks . When he rephrases it a little more neutrally , the vote overwhelmingly favors driving to the hills early . Props to Long John SiPosted by I spend basically the whole night working on the new delivery of RoSE , and am able to cut a preliminary release ( missing only one feature , which I 'll do tomorrow ) for testing . I interrupt this only for the downlink assessment meeting . The MB PUL reports some surprising results from their instrument . We don 't seem to see through the dust on Mazatzal - - they see more Fe3 + , not less , after brushing . Someone also has a presentation diagramming rock layers , from the outside in : Loose mantle Cemented coating Rock alteration products ( friable ) Moderately altered rock ( indurated ) Unaltered parent rockThe RAT can in principle drill all the way down , but so far we 're seeing surface phenomena only . They plan to spend more time here than they originally scheduled ; now the drive is set to start on sol 84 or 85 . This is partly because this will have to be a recovery sol : the APXS doors did not fully open on our latest placement ( roughly , it turns out we have to push a little harder on them than we 've been told to ) , so they need to redo the work . As a result , they won 't RAT tomorrow ; tomorrow will be devoted to MB / APXS and remote sensing . By the time they discovered this APXS problem , the next sol 's APXS sequences were already set , so they 'll have two sols ' worth of data to redo . Basically the entire extended mission will be devoted to exploring the Columbia Hills . Of course , first we have to get there , or try to . They 're planning 60 sols , plus 30 contingency sols , for that . Over the next few days , they 'll try to work out how long it will take to drive there , and how long Spirit is likely to last . This will tell them how much time they have left over to do science at random targets of interest along the way . In my copious free time , I 've been hacking on RoSE to add features that they 'll need for the extended mission . So far , there hasn 't been a delivery date , so I 've just been working on the changes when I can . Today a delivery date crops up . They want to install it Monday . That means I 'll need every spare minute to finish the work . So I don 't have time to check out an alarming observation about the failed Mazatzal drive . Mark Maimone points out that the tracks show that we passed only about 60cm from a rock called " Skull , " much closer than we should have . The planned drive had about 1 . 5 to 2m of clearance . Skull was a large rock ; if it had been a little taller , this problem might have damaged the solar panels . The positive spin on that , I guess , is that things could have been worse . I do take time to go to the downlink assessment meeting , though . The coolest part of that is a " show and tell " moment : one of the RAT guys passes around a prototype of the RAT . It 's cool to be able to hold it in my hand , press the contact switches against my palm to get a genuine feel for the instrument . I also go to the post - SOWG science talks . Ben Clark tells us about " The Universal Soil of Mars . " The soils and rocks have most elements the same ; only sulfur , chlorine , and maybe potassium differ . Adirondack and Humphrey are made of virtually identical material . In order to tell whether this is only a surface phenomenon , he argues for a deep RAT grind . It might also help to do a progressive brushing : do a light brush , measure the spot afterward , then brush a little more and measure again , and so on , to see how the results change as the dust layer thins and eventually is removed entirely . The really interesting presentation is Geoffrey Landis 's exploration of the " Proposed Spirit Electrostatic Discharge Campaign . " There 's a lot of electrostatic charging on Mars , which comes from the sand grains being rubbed together by wind ( similar to rubbing a balloon ) and from the solar UV . Some of the dust adherence to rocks may be a result of this electrPosted by I get to thinking while driving in to work . We haven 't screwed up many drives , but the ones where we 've had the most trouble have been approaches . Traversing many meters in terrain where you 'll slip an unknown amount , and having to end up in a zone only 10 or 20cm wide , is a recipe for failure . Even in this terrain , where we knew we were slipping 5 - 10 % , given the length of the drive , the uncertainty in the amount of slip exceeds the size of the target zone . So we were , essentially , relying on luck . Gambling . And we lost . The Mazatzal approach was just one example ; we had a similar issue when approaching Humphrey , but it so happened that that drive was planned as a two - cycle drive for other reasons , so they had a chance to recover on the same sol . I decide that the next time we have an approach sol , I 'm going to insist on either visual odometry ( which we currently can 't use because of the irreproducible problem we had with it on Opportunity ) or a two - cycle drive . It might take some selling , but I 'm determined . I don 't want another drive to go wrong , and it 's better to take our time on the approach sol and do the job properly than have to waste one more damn sol recovering . The pass comes , and I 'm relieved to see that we 're just about exactly where we wanted to be . I guess I 'd be another 5 or 10cm closer if I could , but we can still reach plenty of the rock face from here , including RATtable spots . It 's not perfect , but we can do the work we need to do . Not what I was hoping for . But you know what ? Fuck it . I decide to consider this a victory . I look at the front HAZCAMs with Dave Des Marais and Craig Leff . " So , is this a ' white rock ? ' " Craig asks . Dave equivocates on that point , but adds that the politically correct term is " light - toned rock . " " Yeah , but the phrase ' Light - Toned Rock Mafia ' just doesn 't have the same ring to it , " I say . Craig asks if the rock is reachable , and I tell him we should have good coverage on the lower half of the rock at least . They should plan to RAT . " Short drive , huh ? Piece of cake , " he sPosted by I wake up on the wrong side of the bed and arrive at work in an uncharacteristically foul mood . My mood doesn 't improve when I see the results of the drive . We didn 't make it . It looks like we slipped twice as much as predicted ; we 're short of our planned position by maybe half a meter . We wanted to end up where we could IDD Mazatzal , including RATting . But the rock is barely within reach of the IDD , and we definitely can 't RAT it from here . So we 'll have to spend another sol getting where we really need to be . Well , I 'd been wondering what it would feel like to blow it . It doesn 't feel good . In fact , it feels absolutely fucking rotten . In retrospect , I could have lived without knowing that . This makes the downlink assessment meeting an uncomfortable place to be . I feel like everyone 's being careful not to blame me . But it 's my fault . I should have fought to use visodom ; this would have cost us a lot of time and power , but we 'd have pegged the drive . Or maybe I could have found a better approach angle , or something . I should have tried harder . We 'll be here three or four sols . Their commitment to RAT this rock is unshaken , though thanks to me that won 't happen as soon as it might . ( Bah . ) We 'll probably treat Mazatzal the way we treated Humphrey : brush off several spots to get the effect of a single big spot we can effectively MTES , IDD those spots , and grind one or two of them more deeply for closer inspection . Is this a " white rock " of the sort the White Rock Mafia has been agitating for us to investigate ? Nobody seems to have a firm opinion . " Can 't we just say it 's a white rock and be done with it ? " someone asks wearily . The more I sit in the meeting , the less it seems to me that anyone else really is upset about our ( my ) failure to reach Mazatzal . I 'm still deeply upset with myself , but I seem to be the only one . Dave Des Marais even puts a positive spin on it : " In a way , this is ideal for Steve [ Gorevan , the RAT guy ] because he 'll have full control over the approach . " I later sit down with Dave and Steve to talk aboPosted by Our downlink data is delayed by some kind of ground system glitch . The glitch clears up to show us a flattish , whitish rock just in front of us , and a much more interesting fishlike rock a few meters away . It reminds me of a coelacanth or something . So we 're going to MI the nearby whitish rock , then drive to the coelacanth . This all fits neatly into one of the scientists ' sol templates ( a " D - type , " or " dirt - type , " sol ) . The " coelacanth 's " name is Mazatzal , which is the name of a group of mountains in Arizona . Nobody can get this name straight ; all night , people keep calling it " Mazatlan , " " Marzipan , " etc . , until it becomes a running joke . I really wanted them to call it " Coelacanth , " but that would have been worse . I end up attaching a picture of a coelacanth to my uplink report anyway . Our odometry total is 459m , plus the 25m or so we traversed today . Added to Opportunity 's 115m , we are just under 600m combined . The time the scientists save planning by using the new sol templates gives them a lot of time to sit around arguing . They must love them . To kick off the discussion , Jeff Johnson shows a PANCAM spectrum of Bear Claw , the scuff I helped make when I was last on shift . It 's a beautiful , beautiful picture , and the science information revealed by the scuff is no less interesting . The small rocks we see around us seem to be made mostly of the same stuff as Adirondack . The material inside the Serpent drift , the stuff revealed by the scuff , is something different - - they don 't know what yet - - and the dark deposit on the far wall of the crater , with its " mystery feature , " is something in between . That 's surprising , since they expected Serpent 's insides to look the same as the crater deposit . They haven 't yet compared the data to the trench results - - " but that 's a good idea , " Jeff muses , " we should do that . " The scar , however , does show some evidence of the mystery feature , which is also surprising : why would the stuff ( whatever it is ) be in some of these identical - seeming drifts and not in others ? At this point , thePosted by I 'm off shift , which means I spend my time hacking on RoSE instead of doing the glamorous work . We 've traversed another 34 . 3m around the crater , which is a pretty good drive for this rocky terrain . They also scarred a drift as they drove by it - - driving along a drift such that the wheels on one side rode through it , periodically wiggling the wheels and correcting for yaw . They took pictures of the scar before moving on ; this should make for some interesting science . It 's not clear how much farther we 'll travel around the rim before heading for the hills . They 're looking into what data we need to gather , via remote sensing , on the Columbia Hills before we have to pause exploring while they upload the new flight software . It occurred to someone that autonav won 't see a certain type of obstacle as a hazard : a tall , thin spike . Despite the fact that nobody has ever , ever observed such an object on Mars , we get an official directive not to plan autonav drives into an area unless we can rule out the existence of such a hazard . In most cases , if we could see that well into the area in question , we wouldn 't rely on autonav ; we 'd use blind driving instead . The new directive is very stupid . I think Mark instigated the concern about it as a way to drive the project to install the updated flight software , which would detect Martian beanpoles as a hazard . The best news of the day , I think , is that our big picture is back . I think somebody must have taken it to LPSC . In any case , Mars is outside my office door once again . Interestingly , the scuff - drive ended up driving the rover 's right bogie to the hardstop . While climbing over one of the rocks as we backed up , the bogie ( the rear part of the rocker - bogie suspension ) was angled way up . No harm resulted to the vehicle , and as Rich Petras points out , this is something that rocker - bogie suspensions will do from time to time , and none of our modeling tools can predict it well . So I didn 't do anything wrong . But it 's a little freaky to see . I finish implementing a new RoSE feature just in time to go to the downlink assessment meeting . I 'm not really clear on how far they drove yestersol , if at all , but they did some remote sensing on White Elephant . Steve Ruff , reporting the MTES results , deadpans : " It looks like a dusty rock . " The RAT guy , Steve Gorevan , says White Elephant looks " eminently RATtable , " an important consideration for characterizing white rocks . Arvidson seems to want to skip White Elephant , though , feeling that it will slow us down too much . We 're not really sure if the terrain is navigable ( because we don 't have terrain meshes yet ) , and he wants to put more meters on the wheels . One thing they might want us to do while putting meters on the wheels is to deliberately drive one side of the rover along a drift , leaving a big scar for them to image . There are problems with doing this ( it guarantees slippage , which means uncertainty in our positioning , and that uncertainty is multiplied for a longer drive ) . But it sounds like a cool thing to do . Just before the meeting ends , Ray reports that " at LPSC , we were heroes . " Steve Squyres stood up and got a huge round of applause before he even said anything . The room was packed wall to wall - - people were standing in the aisles and along the walls ; you couldn 't enter or leave . " I haven 't seen such excitement since the Viking lander missions , " he says . " Even grumpy old greybeards were ooh - ing and aah - ing . " Once again I have a lousy night 's ( actually , day 's ) sleep . I keep waking up , thinking of ways the drive is going to fail . There are a lot of them . We didn 't correct enough for slip . Or : did we really analyze the depression ahead and to the right of us ? Could any nasty surprises be lurking there ? Or : if we slip too much as we drive downhill , we 'll end up climbing that 20cm rock ahead of us instead of stopping short of it , and if there 's a depression on the far side , we could get high - centered on it - - with the rock scraping the rover 's belly , and the rover unable to gain enough traction with any of its wheels to crawl back off . Of course , this would mean that our imaging was badly wrong , and our simulations were badly wrong , and our slip estimates are badly wrong . But apart from that , it 's very likely . I obsessively check the flight director 's report while getting ready , and am considerably relieved to read that we drove the expected distance and have a scuff mark in front of us . Is it reachable from the IDD ? Did we nail the mid - drive imaging ? The report doesn 't say . But when I get to work and see the results , I 'm shocked . It 's perfect . The scuff is nearly dead center from our final position , with good chunks of it in the IDD work volume . ( In fact , maybe all of it is in the work volume ; the tool that does the preliminary analysis has some limitations that the shape of the scuff might be exposing . ) And the mid - drive NAVCAM , which is a bellwether for the other mid - drive imaging , couldn 't be better . The main body of the scuff is right there in the middle of the image . While I 'm gaping , John Grant says : " Let me be the first to congratulate you on a perfect drive . " When he left last night , he just wanted us to end up somewhere near the scuff . And we executed perfectly . I don 't know if it 's relief or disbelief , but I can 't stop looking at it . I know I say this all the time , but seriously : I worry too damn much . I 'm not on shift today , Chris is , so it will be his job to IDD the scuff ( which has been named " Bear Paw " ; targets Posted by I wake up a couple of hours early , in a near panic . I had completely forgotten that our previous drive had timed out , which means we would have had a goal - error flag set . Mark didn 't mention this in his hastily written downlink report , so we didn 't clear the flag in this drive sequence , which means the drive won 't happen . I dislodge Zenobia , log in from home , and check the telemetry - - only to find that the goal - error flag wasn 't set after all . ( Which must be the actual reason Mark didn 't mention it : there was nothing to mention . ) I don 't understand this , but I 'm so relieved that for the moment I don 't care . I actually manage to get a little more sleep before I have to get up . ( It turns out later that there 's a good explanation why there was no goal error . At the end of our last drive , the rover timed out because it was back - and - forthing , trying to find a safe path . It happened to time out after a backward move , which left a little extra space in front of it . The sequence cleared the timeout error , enabling the rover to complete the final stutter - step into the small safe zone , without producing a goal error . If there had been such an error , Mark would have mentioned it and we would have cleared it as a routine matter ; we do that all the time . So everything was fine . You 'd think my subconscious would have recognized this pattern by now , instead of waking me up all the goddamn time . ) My badge is working again . I stuck around for hours yesterday , just to find out that Security couldn 't help me at all . The project sent them a list of people whose access was supposed to be revoked and mistakenly included my name on it ; apparently , this kind of thing happens all the time . And I 'm far from being the only person it happened to this time : I keep having to open the door for other people whose access was mistakenly revoked along with mine and hasn 't been restored yet . Today 's drive didn 't quite complete , but we got a heck of a lot closer than I expected . We made it to the far side of Serpent and turned to face the bedform ; thaPosted by During my pre - shift time , Frank , who 's trying to stay awake until the CAM , comes down to hang out and shoot the breeze a little . He 's not happy with his SpaceOps paper , he tells me . He wanted to write the definitive paper on how we 're using RSVP to drive the rovers , and ended up with something much less than that . " But I 'll write that paper later , " he shrugs . The world of " writing papers " still seems weird to me . I got so used to working on the kind of code you wouldn 't bother to write a paper about . Necessary stuff , stuff JPL couldn 't do without . But , let 's face it , boring stuff . It 's hard to compete with writing the software we use to drive Mars rovers . Speaking of which . . . " So , what are you planning to do when the project is over ? " Frank asks . I don 't really know . I 've planned to go back to working on the stuff I was working on before , especially since that 's what I 've been promising John [ 1 ] . But I don 't think I 'd be happy with things just going back to the way they were . Something 's going to have to change . I just don 't know what it is . Frank offers to arrange work for me - - graphics stuff , if I want it . Tempting , tempting . But I have promises to keep . And meters to go before I sleep . Against expectations , we 're driving today . Off in the drive direction is a long bedform named " Serpent . " Serpent is too large to drive over , so we 're going around it . The plan for tomorrow is to drive to its southern tip ( this takes us away from the crater rim ) ; we 'll maybe poke at it with the IDD , then head on . We might also study some nearby rocks , since there are some white rocks near Serpent and this gives us a chance to get the fucking white rock business laid to rest once and for all . ( That 's not my characterization ; Ray actually says " fucking . " He wants to drive on in the worst way . I find this impatience endearing , as does Frank , who asks him to come upstairs and light a fire under Opportunity 's scientists so they can get the hell out of their crater already . ) And we might get to do other stuff to Serpent , such as dragging tPosted by It 's starting already : at least temporarily , they 're moving the downlink teams to Earth time . Sigh . I 've decided to keep coming in at my regular time , even though I could be coming in 90 minutes later ( like everyone else ) , so that I can get more work done . Sigh . But maybe this will mean I 'll be able to work less on my days off . ( Fat chance . ) They 've taken another image of the backshell - - or whatever it is - - which have failed to fully clarify the situation . There are several Spongebob Squarepants fans on the project , who have decided that that 's what it is . I guess that counts as finding life on other planets . At the downlink assessment meeting , they have a beautiful color image of the color crater panorama on the big screens . I 'm really getting spoiled by the big screens . When the project is over , I 'm going to have to buy a 3200x1200 projection monitor . Anyway , the plan from here is to work the rim . We 'll be here for about 3 weeks ( later they say 18 - 22 sols ) , inspecting rocks , soils , ripples , deposits , etc . , as we crawl along , and that will take us to the end of the nominal mission . The extended mission will be the drive to Columbia Hills . The guy defending this plan puts up a presentation with a picture of Opportunity 's crater ; there 's a round of good - natured booing . But the point of showing the image is to set a context : in its crater , Opportunity found the interesting stuff ( bedrock ) just below the rim . We can expect something similar here - - we may , for example , not need to clamber all the way down to the bottom of the crater ; exploring the rim and upper slopes may do everything we need . At Bonneville , though , there is no evident outcrop ( which everyone was hoping for ) . Still , there 's significant value in being here . You tend to get more weathering on slopes , since they present a broad face to the wind and allow the weathered material to " escape " ( by running downhill ) , so we 'll see fresh material just beneath us . For the same reason , coatings and non - basalt rock types that don 't weather as fast as basalts will alPosted by At night , there 's a small red light in the sky . On that light lives four hundred pounds of thinking metal sent from Earth . I tell that metal what to do , and it does it .
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Once again , I wake up right on schedule , at least if I were still on Mars time . On Earth time , I 'm hours early . I can 't get back to sleep , so I just go in early . Mars time obviously gets under your skin . As we 're looking at the downlink data , Mark Maimone looks at one of the MERboards and asks when the SOWG meeting is starting . " 18 : 00 ? Or is it still at 19 : 30 ? " he asks . " Um , we 're on Earth time now , " I remind him . " It 's at 10 . " " Oh , yeah , " he says ruefully . " I can 't even think in PST any more . " So our plan is to make the big RAT - brush mosaic we didn 't get our chance to do yestersol , then drive off . But we don 't want to drive off until we 're sure the RATting worked . Some RAT - related failures would result in an IDD fault similar to the one we had yestersol ; the IDD will stay where it is , won 't stow , and so we won 't drive . This is what we want . Unfortunately , some RAT failures don 't cause this to happen ; the rover will blithely drive away without finishing the job . And the scientists don 't want that . Julie says that there 's an " OK to RAT " flag we can test in a sequence to have the sequence make these decisions . I don 't remember this flag , but I 'm not totally familiar with the set . So , good , this gives us a solution : the drive sequences will ask if we 're OK to RAT , and otherwise terminate without moving . It 's not until the end of the SOWG meeting that I have a chance to check Julie 's assertion . Should have checked sooner . There is no " OK to RAT " flag . We 've just built our whole plan around one , though , so we have to scramble to replan . The new plan drops the long part of the drive ; we 're just going to back up a meter for the standoff imaging and stay there . I suggest driving forward again after the imaging ; that way , if anything went wrong , we can fix it the next sol instead of having to dedicate an additional sol to just driving back up to the rock . ( It doesn 't take us a whole sol to drive a meter , but for safety reasons we 're not allowed to do go - and - touch in a single sol . ) Ray likes the idea , but it gets nixed later in tPosted by So this is our first sol on Earth time . At least they 've chosen to keep things simple thisol . In case you can 't tell , that 's sarcasm . The plan for thisol is to do a complex RAT - brush mosaic , making a big dust - free spot on Mazatzal for the MTES , then back up about 85cm so the MTES can see it . After that , we 'll drive about 15m , following the path I worked out in advance yestersol , and then autonav as long as they 'll let us . Or should I say , that was the plan . Then word comes that yestersol 's IDD sequence faulted out , and all the images look wrong , and nobody knows why . Since we 're on Earth time , nobody 's around , so I start looking into the problem myself . I quickly discover that my ability to do this is limited . I have no problem finding the list of warnings and errors that the spacecraft has sent back , but since I never look at them , I don 't really know what 's normal and what isn 't . I write down a particularly suspicious subset and ask for help from Jessica Collisson - - who graciously works on analyzing the problem with me , even though she 's on Opportunity and right now they have an anomaly of their own . This doesn 't look good . The rover says one of the IDD tools had a contact switch in an unexpected state . Jessica and I don 't know which switches are reporting contact , because we 're not experienced enough to decode the data we 're looking at , but knowing this much leads me to an alarming possibility . We had a frustrating problem during one of the PORTs [ 1 ] when we left the APXS contact switches enabled after opening the APXS doors ; a sequence failed that should have worked perfectly , because the switches falsely signaled a contact . The vehicle thought the arm had whacked into a rock or the ground and set an error flag , which caused the rest of the sequence to refuse to move the arm . It turns out that those switches are flaky ; they often spuriously signal a contact when the doors are open , so we have to disable them after opening the doors ( when we are actually going to place the instrument and therefore might see real Posted by It 's our last sol on Mars time . I spend a lot of the pre - shift time working ahead , trying to assess the terrain for our upcoming drive . Our long - term drive path is blocked by a rock I dub " Combover Pig , " so we 'll have to go southwest before we can head east to the hills . But there 's a bigger problem in the near zone . I try to persuade myself that there 's a short path to the other side of Mazatzal , but the terrain doesn 't want to cooperate . There 's a 15cm rock in the way - - which is not a hazard per se , but there 's a 15cm - deep depression on the other side of the rock , making 30cm total , and that 's an unsafe combination . I work on some ways to use the terrain against itself , putting one wheel up on the rock and straddling the depression , but there are worst - case scenarios no matter how we go . I 'm almost willing to risk it anyway , but I run out of time to look at it without really reaching a resolution . They used another one of my rover wakeup songs - - Cake 's " The Distance " - - on Opportunity . This is because Opportunity set a new single - sol distance record : 48 . 9m . We 're unlikely to surpass that record , but they will . I 've been worried whether we chose the right mesh yestersol , so I 'm anxiously waiting around in the SMSA when the pass starts . The minute the images start flowing , John Grant walks up with a huge smile . " You made the right call , " he says . The RAT placement was right on the money . Mark points out that our image of the APXS doors , which is just intended to verify that the doors have closed after an APXS operation , was taken at a higher quality than we think is necessary . It 's not a big deal , making only a few KB of difference in the downlink , but this piques my curiosity , and I go ask Justin Maki about it . He doesn 't see any reason we need the higher quality either , but it 's what they 're doing on Opportunity , and it 's simpler for everyone if we just let the missions be consistent . And since it 's not a significant difference in the downlink volume anyway , we decide to drop it . But this gets us into a discussioPosted by We might start driving tomorrow , sooner than I thought - - if not tomorrow , then the sol after . They still haven 't decided where we 're going from here , along the rim or straight away from the crater . I start looking through the imagery we have , to see if we 've got a safe path in either direction . Neither one looks good . Opportunity is driving today . Only a few sols out of their crater and they 're going to break our one - sol drive - distance record : 48m tomorrow , or so . And they 'll better that record on future sols . Before long , they 'll set a record we have no hope of breaking . Oh , well . It was nice while it lasted . I chat with Frank about this for a little while , and about other things . They 're going to stay on Mars time a little longer than we are . Frank isn 't going to miss Mars time , but I am . I realized one of the reasons why when I was walking in today at 3 : 30 AM : coming to work at all times of the day and night emphasizes the uniqueness of what we 're doing . When we start keeping regular , Earth - time hours , it just won 't seem quite as special any more . Frank grudgingly agrees . " You want to see something really cool ? " Justin Maki asks . Who wouldn 't ? Justin shows us two really cool things . First is an animation of all the MI images that have been taken on Opportunity . The second is even cooler : Stubbe Hviid has put together a movie of all of the front HAZCAM images we 've taken on Spirit . The movie incorporates all of our drives and IDD work up to this point - - the last three months of my life , flashing before my eyes . We 've packed a lot into those three months . Mark has solved the visual odometry problem that caused Opportunity to behave so strangely when they tried it . It turns out that the code wasn 't properly thinking in 3 - D , causing it to think the goal point was closer than it really is . We might get a solution in place and tested in time for us to use it when driving away from here , though I doubt it . Today 's sequencing should be simple : a RAT placement , a bit of IDD work . Of course , it doesn 't work out that way . TPosted by Ah , a short day . I needed one of those . I have another interview with WBBB , the Raleigh station , and it goes really well . Interviewing with morning shows is strange in one respect : because they 're trying to keep the show 's energy level high and make their listeners feel good about being awake so godawful early , they laugh at everything you say that 's even remotely funny . Even though they 're doing it for show reasons and not for me , it helps me see a little of how it is to be famous or powerful . It 's like a little taste of that insular world that you always hear that famous people live in . This helps explain famous people . I kind of feel sorry for them . Yestersol 's RAT operation was incomplete . It didn 't drill as deep as they wanted , but even more oddly , the left half of the resulting circle is white , and the right half is dark - - a little like the yin - yang symbol . They don 't know why this happened , but they 're going to do it over . And in passing , Atmospheres [ 1 ] says that we 're getting into a time of the Martian year where we may be able to see clouds . Those will be some damn cool images . Courtesy NASA / JPL - Caltech . Curiously bi - colored RAT spot . Courtesy NASA / JPL - Caltech . Confirming that Spirit 's APXS dust doors are closed . Footnotes : [ 1 ] That is , the subset of the science team that studies the Martian atmosphere . Once again , I devote my day to the updated RoSE delivery , implementing the remaining requested feature and packaging a new test release . So much for that . The extended mission may be extended further than I had thought . All of a sudden , people are talking about Spirit lasting 270 sols ( 150 for Opportunity ) . As of Monday - - only a few days from now - - we 're on Earth time , and the Earth - time schedule starts at 7AM . I can 't do six months of 7AM , but Chris and John will likely take mornings , and I 'll take afternoons . Happily , this doesn 't mean I 'll be RP - 2 all the time , because our days will shift in such a way that , after a while , the afternoon shift is doing the first half of the plan , and the next day 's morning shift finishes that plan . So the humans will stay on the same schedule and let Mars rotate around us , rather than vice versa . Once again , the downlink assessment meeting reveals that our Mazatzal exploration schedule has been pushed back slightly ; RATting takes a lot of energy , and we 'll need sol 82 to charge the batteries . Now the drive starts on sol 85 . True to form , the software update has been delayed again as well ; it now starts on sol 96 . Xeno would be so proud . They revisit the question of how far to traverse the crater before heading for the hills . The tradeoff is that we 'll get less 3 - D data on the crater ( we won 't ever see the parts of it that were initially hidden by the rim itself ) vs . getting to the hills that much sooner . The sooner we start the long - haul drive , Ray points out , the more energy we have to drive with ; and we might as well start driving while the rover is completely healthy . " How far around the rim would we have to go to make staying here worthwhile ? A hundred meters ? " Ray asks . " Less than a hundred meters , " Larry Crumpler answers . " Ninety - nine meters ? " " Ninety - nine meters , yeah , " says Larry . " So how many people just want to get the hell out of here ? " Ray asks . When he rephrases it a little more neutrally , the vote overwhelmingly favors driving to the hills early . Props to Long John SiPosted by I spend basically the whole night working on the new delivery of RoSE , and am able to cut a preliminary release ( missing only one feature , which I 'll do tomorrow ) for testing . I interrupt this only for the downlink assessment meeting . The MB PUL reports some surprising results from their instrument . We don 't seem to see through the dust on Mazatzal - - they see more Fe3 + , not less , after brushing . Someone also has a presentation diagramming rock layers , from the outside in : Loose mantle Cemented coating Rock alteration products ( friable ) Moderately altered rock ( indurated ) Unaltered parent rockThe RAT can in principle drill all the way down , but so far we 're seeing surface phenomena only . They plan to spend more time here than they originally scheduled ; now the drive is set to start on sol 84 or 85 . This is partly because this will have to be a recovery sol : the APXS doors did not fully open on our latest placement ( roughly , it turns out we have to push a little harder on them than we 've been told to ) , so they need to redo the work . As a result , they won 't RAT tomorrow ; tomorrow will be devoted to MB / APXS and remote sensing . By the time they discovered this APXS problem , the next sol 's APXS sequences were already set , so they 'll have two sols ' worth of data to redo . Basically the entire extended mission will be devoted to exploring the Columbia Hills . Of course , first we have to get there , or try to . They 're planning 60 sols , plus 30 contingency sols , for that . Over the next few days , they 'll try to work out how long it will take to drive there , and how long Spirit is likely to last . This will tell them how much time they have left over to do science at random targets of interest along the way . In my copious free time , I 've been hacking on RoSE to add features that they 'll need for the extended mission . So far , there hasn 't been a delivery date , so I 've just been working on the changes when I can . Today a delivery date crops up . They want to install it Monday . That means I 'll need every spare minute to finish the work . So I don 't have time to check out an alarming observation about the failed Mazatzal drive . Mark Maimone points out that the tracks show that we passed only about 60cm from a rock called " Skull , " much closer than we should have . The planned drive had about 1 . 5 to 2m of clearance . Skull was a large rock ; if it had been a little taller , this problem might have damaged the solar panels . The positive spin on that , I guess , is that things could have been worse . I do take time to go to the downlink assessment meeting , though . The coolest part of that is a " show and tell " moment : one of the RAT guys passes around a prototype of the RAT . It 's cool to be able to hold it in my hand , press the contact switches against my palm to get a genuine feel for the instrument . I also go to the post - SOWG science talks . Ben Clark tells us about " The Universal Soil of Mars . " The soils and rocks have most elements the same ; only sulfur , chlorine , and maybe potassium differ . Adirondack and Humphrey are made of virtually identical material . In order to tell whether this is only a surface phenomenon , he argues for a deep RAT grind . It might also help to do a progressive brushing : do a light brush , measure the spot afterward , then brush a little more and measure again , and so on , to see how the results change as the dust layer thins and eventually is removed entirely . The really interesting presentation is Geoffrey Landis 's exploration of the " Proposed Spirit Electrostatic Discharge Campaign . " There 's a lot of electrostatic charging on Mars , which comes from the sand grains being rubbed together by wind ( similar to rubbing a balloon ) and from the solar UV . Some of the dust adherence to rocks may be a result of this electrPosted by I get to thinking while driving in to work . We haven 't screwed up many drives , but the ones where we 've had the most trouble have been approaches . Traversing many meters in terrain where you 'll slip an unknown amount , and having to end up in a zone only 10 or 20cm wide , is a recipe for failure . Even in this terrain , where we knew we were slipping 5 - 10 % , given the length of the drive , the uncertainty in the amount of slip exceeds the size of the target zone . So we were , essentially , relying on luck . Gambling . And we lost . The Mazatzal approach was just one example ; we had a similar issue when approaching Humphrey , but it so happened that that drive was planned as a two - cycle drive for other reasons , so they had a chance to recover on the same sol . I decide that the next time we have an approach sol , I 'm going to insist on either visual odometry ( which we currently can 't use because of the irreproducible problem we had with it on Opportunity ) or a two - cycle drive . It might take some selling , but I 'm determined . I don 't want another drive to go wrong , and it 's better to take our time on the approach sol and do the job properly than have to waste one more damn sol recovering . The pass comes , and I 'm relieved to see that we 're just about exactly where we wanted to be . I guess I 'd be another 5 or 10cm closer if I could , but we can still reach plenty of the rock face from here , including RATtable spots . It 's not perfect , but we can do the work we need to do . Not what I was hoping for . But you know what ? Fuck it . I decide to consider this a victory . I look at the front HAZCAMs with Dave Des Marais and Craig Leff . " So , is this a ' white rock ? ' " Craig asks . Dave equivocates on that point , but adds that the politically correct term is " light - toned rock . " " Yeah , but the phrase ' Light - Toned Rock Mafia ' just doesn 't have the same ring to it , " I say . Craig asks if the rock is reachable , and I tell him we should have good coverage on the lower half of the rock at least . They should plan to RAT . " Short drive , huh ? Piece of cake , " he sPosted by I wake up on the wrong side of the bed and arrive at work in an uncharacteristically foul mood . My mood doesn 't improve when I see the results of the drive . We didn 't make it . It looks like we slipped twice as much as predicted ; we 're short of our planned position by maybe half a meter . We wanted to end up where we could IDD Mazatzal , including RATting . But the rock is barely within reach of the IDD , and we definitely can 't RAT it from here . So we 'll have to spend another sol getting where we really need to be . Well , I 'd been wondering what it would feel like to blow it . It doesn 't feel good . In fact , it feels absolutely fucking rotten . In retrospect , I could have lived without knowing that . This makes the downlink assessment meeting an uncomfortable place to be . I feel like everyone 's being careful not to blame me . But it 's my fault . I should have fought to use visodom ; this would have cost us a lot of time and power , but we 'd have pegged the drive . Or maybe I could have found a better approach angle , or something . I should have tried harder . We 'll be here three or four sols . Their commitment to RAT this rock is unshaken , though thanks to me that won 't happen as soon as it might . ( Bah . ) We 'll probably treat Mazatzal the way we treated Humphrey : brush off several spots to get the effect of a single big spot we can effectively MTES , IDD those spots , and grind one or two of them more deeply for closer inspection . Is this a " white rock " of the sort the White Rock Mafia has been agitating for us to investigate ? Nobody seems to have a firm opinion . " Can 't we just say it 's a white rock and be done with it ? " someone asks wearily . The more I sit in the meeting , the less it seems to me that anyone else really is upset about our ( my ) failure to reach Mazatzal . I 'm still deeply upset with myself , but I seem to be the only one . Dave Des Marais even puts a positive spin on it : " In a way , this is ideal for Steve [ Gorevan , the RAT guy ] because he 'll have full control over the approach . " I later sit down with Dave and Steve to talk aboPosted by Our downlink data is delayed by some kind of ground system glitch . The glitch clears up to show us a flattish , whitish rock just in front of us , and a much more interesting fishlike rock a few meters away . It reminds me of a coelacanth or something . So we 're going to MI the nearby whitish rock , then drive to the coelacanth . This all fits neatly into one of the scientists ' sol templates ( a " D - type , " or " dirt - type , " sol ) . The " coelacanth 's " name is Mazatzal , which is the name of a group of mountains in Arizona . Nobody can get this name straight ; all night , people keep calling it " Mazatlan , " " Marzipan , " etc . , until it becomes a running joke . I really wanted them to call it " Coelacanth , " but that would have been worse . I end up attaching a picture of a coelacanth to my uplink report anyway . Our odometry total is 459m , plus the 25m or so we traversed today . Added to Opportunity 's 115m , we are just under 600m combined . The time the scientists save planning by using the new sol templates gives them a lot of time to sit around arguing . They must love them . To kick off the discussion , Jeff Johnson shows a PANCAM spectrum of Bear Claw , the scuff I helped make when I was last on shift . It 's a beautiful , beautiful picture , and the science information revealed by the scuff is no less interesting . The small rocks we see around us seem to be made mostly of the same stuff as Adirondack . The material inside the Serpent drift , the stuff revealed by the scuff , is something different - - they don 't know what yet - - and the dark deposit on the far wall of the crater , with its " mystery feature , " is something in between . That 's surprising , since they expected Serpent 's insides to look the same as the crater deposit . They haven 't yet compared the data to the trench results - - " but that 's a good idea , " Jeff muses , " we should do that . " The scar , however , does show some evidence of the mystery feature , which is also surprising : why would the stuff ( whatever it is ) be in some of these identical - seeming drifts and not in others ? At this point , thePosted by I 'm off shift , which means I spend my time hacking on RoSE instead of doing the glamorous work . We 've traversed another 34 . 3m around the crater , which is a pretty good drive for this rocky terrain . They also scarred a drift as they drove by it - - driving along a drift such that the wheels on one side rode through it , periodically wiggling the wheels and correcting for yaw . They took pictures of the scar before moving on ; this should make for some interesting science . It 's not clear how much farther we 'll travel around the rim before heading for the hills . They 're looking into what data we need to gather , via remote sensing , on the Columbia Hills before we have to pause exploring while they upload the new flight software . It occurred to someone that autonav won 't see a certain type of obstacle as a hazard : a tall , thin spike . Despite the fact that nobody has ever , ever observed such an object on Mars , we get an official directive not to plan autonav drives into an area unless we can rule out the existence of such a hazard . In most cases , if we could see that well into the area in question , we wouldn 't rely on autonav ; we 'd use blind driving instead . The new directive is very stupid . I think Mark instigated the concern about it as a way to drive the project to install the updated flight software , which would detect Martian beanpoles as a hazard . The best news of the day , I think , is that our big picture is back . I think somebody must have taken it to LPSC . In any case , Mars is outside my office door once again . Interestingly , the scuff - drive ended up driving the rover 's right bogie to the hardstop . While climbing over one of the rocks as we backed up , the bogie ( the rear part of the rocker - bogie suspension ) was angled way up . No harm resulted to the vehicle , and as Rich Petras points out , this is something that rocker - bogie suspensions will do from time to time , and none of our modeling tools can predict it well . So I didn 't do anything wrong . But it 's a little freaky to see . I finish implementing a new RoSE feature just in time to go to the downlink assessment meeting . I 'm not really clear on how far they drove yestersol , if at all , but they did some remote sensing on White Elephant . Steve Ruff , reporting the MTES results , deadpans : " It looks like a dusty rock . " The RAT guy , Steve Gorevan , says White Elephant looks " eminently RATtable , " an important consideration for characterizing white rocks . Arvidson seems to want to skip White Elephant , though , feeling that it will slow us down too much . We 're not really sure if the terrain is navigable ( because we don 't have terrain meshes yet ) , and he wants to put more meters on the wheels . One thing they might want us to do while putting meters on the wheels is to deliberately drive one side of the rover along a drift , leaving a big scar for them to image . There are problems with doing this ( it guarantees slippage , which means uncertainty in our positioning , and that uncertainty is multiplied for a longer drive ) . But it sounds like a cool thing to do . Just before the meeting ends , Ray reports that " at LPSC , we were heroes . " Steve Squyres stood up and got a huge round of applause before he even said anything . The room was packed wall to wall - - people were standing in the aisles and along the walls ; you couldn 't enter or leave . " I haven 't seen such excitement since the Viking lander missions , " he says . " Even grumpy old greybeards were ooh - ing and aah - ing . " Once again I have a lousy night 's ( actually , day 's ) sleep . I keep waking up , thinking of ways the drive is going to fail . There are a lot of them . We didn 't correct enough for slip . Or : did we really analyze the depression ahead and to the right of us ? Could any nasty surprises be lurking there ? Or : if we slip too much as we drive downhill , we 'll end up climbing that 20cm rock ahead of us instead of stopping short of it , and if there 's a depression on the far side , we could get high - centered on it - - with the rock scraping the rover 's belly , and the rover unable to gain enough traction with any of its wheels to crawl back off . Of course , this would mean that our imaging was badly wrong , and our simulations were badly wrong , and our slip estimates are badly wrong . But apart from that , it 's very likely . I obsessively check the flight director 's report while getting ready , and am considerably relieved to read that we drove the expected distance and have a scuff mark in front of us . Is it reachable from the IDD ? Did we nail the mid - drive imaging ? The report doesn 't say . But when I get to work and see the results , I 'm shocked . It 's perfect . The scuff is nearly dead center from our final position , with good chunks of it in the IDD work volume . ( In fact , maybe all of it is in the work volume ; the tool that does the preliminary analysis has some limitations that the shape of the scuff might be exposing . ) And the mid - drive NAVCAM , which is a bellwether for the other mid - drive imaging , couldn 't be better . The main body of the scuff is right there in the middle of the image . While I 'm gaping , John Grant says : " Let me be the first to congratulate you on a perfect drive . " When he left last night , he just wanted us to end up somewhere near the scuff . And we executed perfectly . I don 't know if it 's relief or disbelief , but I can 't stop looking at it . I know I say this all the time , but seriously : I worry too damn much . I 'm not on shift today , Chris is , so it will be his job to IDD the scuff ( which has been named " Bear Paw " ; targets Posted by I wake up a couple of hours early , in a near panic . I had completely forgotten that our previous drive had timed out , which means we would have had a goal - error flag set . Mark didn 't mention this in his hastily written downlink report , so we didn 't clear the flag in this drive sequence , which means the drive won 't happen . I dislodge Zenobia , log in from home , and check the telemetry - - only to find that the goal - error flag wasn 't set after all . ( Which must be the actual reason Mark didn 't mention it : there was nothing to mention . ) I don 't understand this , but I 'm so relieved that for the moment I don 't care . I actually manage to get a little more sleep before I have to get up . ( It turns out later that there 's a good explanation why there was no goal error . At the end of our last drive , the rover timed out because it was back - and - forthing , trying to find a safe path . It happened to time out after a backward move , which left a little extra space in front of it . The sequence cleared the timeout error , enabling the rover to complete the final stutter - step into the small safe zone , without producing a goal error . If there had been such an error , Mark would have mentioned it and we would have cleared it as a routine matter ; we do that all the time . So everything was fine . You 'd think my subconscious would have recognized this pattern by now , instead of waking me up all the goddamn time . ) My badge is working again . I stuck around for hours yesterday , just to find out that Security couldn 't help me at all . The project sent them a list of people whose access was supposed to be revoked and mistakenly included my name on it ; apparently , this kind of thing happens all the time . And I 'm far from being the only person it happened to this time : I keep having to open the door for other people whose access was mistakenly revoked along with mine and hasn 't been restored yet . Today 's drive didn 't quite complete , but we got a heck of a lot closer than I expected . We made it to the far side of Serpent and turned to face the bedform ; thaPosted by During my pre - shift time , Frank , who 's trying to stay awake until the CAM , comes down to hang out and shoot the breeze a little . He 's not happy with his SpaceOps paper , he tells me . He wanted to write the definitive paper on how we 're using RSVP to drive the rovers , and ended up with something much less than that . " But I 'll write that paper later , " he shrugs . The world of " writing papers " still seems weird to me . I got so used to working on the kind of code you wouldn 't bother to write a paper about . Necessary stuff , stuff JPL couldn 't do without . But , let 's face it , boring stuff . It 's hard to compete with writing the software we use to drive Mars rovers . Speaking of which . . . " So , what are you planning to do when the project is over ? " Frank asks . I don 't really know . I 've planned to go back to working on the stuff I was working on before , especially since that 's what I 've been promising John [ 1 ] . But I don 't think I 'd be happy with things just going back to the way they were . Something 's going to have to change . I just don 't know what it is . Frank offers to arrange work for me - - graphics stuff , if I want it . Tempting , tempting . But I have promises to keep . And meters to go before I sleep . Against expectations , we 're driving today . Off in the drive direction is a long bedform named " Serpent . " Serpent is too large to drive over , so we 're going around it . The plan for tomorrow is to drive to its southern tip ( this takes us away from the crater rim ) ; we 'll maybe poke at it with the IDD , then head on . We might also study some nearby rocks , since there are some white rocks near Serpent and this gives us a chance to get the fucking white rock business laid to rest once and for all . ( That 's not my characterization ; Ray actually says " fucking . " He wants to drive on in the worst way . I find this impatience endearing , as does Frank , who asks him to come upstairs and light a fire under Opportunity 's scientists so they can get the hell out of their crater already . ) And we might get to do other stuff to Serpent , such as dragging tPosted by It 's starting already : at least temporarily , they 're moving the downlink teams to Earth time . Sigh . I 've decided to keep coming in at my regular time , even though I could be coming in 90 minutes later ( like everyone else ) , so that I can get more work done . Sigh . But maybe this will mean I 'll be able to work less on my days off . ( Fat chance . ) They 've taken another image of the backshell - - or whatever it is - - which have failed to fully clarify the situation . There are several Spongebob Squarepants fans on the project , who have decided that that 's what it is . I guess that counts as finding life on other planets . At the downlink assessment meeting , they have a beautiful color image of the color crater panorama on the big screens . I 'm really getting spoiled by the big screens . When the project is over , I 'm going to have to buy a 3200x1200 projection monitor . Anyway , the plan from here is to work the rim . We 'll be here for about 3 weeks ( later they say 18 - 22 sols ) , inspecting rocks , soils , ripples , deposits , etc . , as we crawl along , and that will take us to the end of the nominal mission . The extended mission will be the drive to Columbia Hills . The guy defending this plan puts up a presentation with a picture of Opportunity 's crater ; there 's a round of good - natured booing . But the point of showing the image is to set a context : in its crater , Opportunity found the interesting stuff ( bedrock ) just below the rim . We can expect something similar here - - we may , for example , not need to clamber all the way down to the bottom of the crater ; exploring the rim and upper slopes may do everything we need . At Bonneville , though , there is no evident outcrop ( which everyone was hoping for ) . Still , there 's significant value in being here . You tend to get more weathering on slopes , since they present a broad face to the wind and allow the weathered material to " escape " ( by running downhill ) , so we 'll see fresh material just beneath us . For the same reason , coatings and non - basalt rock types that don 't weather as fast as basalts will alPosted by At night , there 's a small red light in the sky . On that light lives four hundred pounds of thinking metal sent from Earth . I tell that metal what to do , and it does it .
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Once again , I wake up right on schedule , at least if I were still on Mars time . On Earth time , I 'm hours early . I can 't get back to sleep , so I just go in early . Mars time obviously gets under your skin . As we 're looking at the downlink data , Mark Maimone looks at one of the MERboards and asks when the SOWG meeting is starting . " 18 : 00 ? Or is it still at 19 : 30 ? " he asks . " Um , we 're on Earth time now , " I remind him . " It 's at 10 . " " Oh , yeah , " he says ruefully . " I can 't even think in PST any more . " So our plan is to make the big RAT - brush mosaic we didn 't get our chance to do yestersol , then drive off . But we don 't want to drive off until we 're sure the RATting worked . Some RAT - related failures would result in an IDD fault similar to the one we had yestersol ; the IDD will stay where it is , won 't stow , and so we won 't drive . This is what we want . Unfortunately , some RAT failures don 't cause this to happen ; the rover will blithely drive away without finishing the job . And the scientists don 't want that . Julie says that there 's an " OK to RAT " flag we can test in a sequence to have the sequence make these decisions . I don 't remember this flag , but I 'm not totally familiar with the set . So , good , this gives us a solution : the drive sequences will ask if we 're OK to RAT , and otherwise terminate without moving . It 's not until the end of the SOWG meeting that I have a chance to check Julie 's assertion . Should have checked sooner . There is no " OK to RAT " flag . We 've just built our whole plan around one , though , so we have to scramble to replan . The new plan drops the long part of the drive ; we 're just going to back up a meter for the standoff imaging and stay there . I suggest driving forward again after the imaging ; that way , if anything went wrong , we can fix it the next sol instead of having to dedicate an additional sol to just driving back up to the rock . ( It doesn 't take us a whole sol to drive a meter , but for safety reasons we 're not allowed to do go - and - touch in a single sol . ) Ray likes the idea , but it gets nixed later in tPosted by So this is our first sol on Earth time . At least they 've chosen to keep things simple thisol . In case you can 't tell , that 's sarcasm . The plan for thisol is to do a complex RAT - brush mosaic , making a big dust - free spot on Mazatzal for the MTES , then back up about 85cm so the MTES can see it . After that , we 'll drive about 15m , following the path I worked out in advance yestersol , and then autonav as long as they 'll let us . Or should I say , that was the plan . Then word comes that yestersol 's IDD sequence faulted out , and all the images look wrong , and nobody knows why . Since we 're on Earth time , nobody 's around , so I start looking into the problem myself . I quickly discover that my ability to do this is limited . I have no problem finding the list of warnings and errors that the spacecraft has sent back , but since I never look at them , I don 't really know what 's normal and what isn 't . I write down a particularly suspicious subset and ask for help from Jessica Collisson - - who graciously works on analyzing the problem with me , even though she 's on Opportunity and right now they have an anomaly of their own . This doesn 't look good . The rover says one of the IDD tools had a contact switch in an unexpected state . Jessica and I don 't know which switches are reporting contact , because we 're not experienced enough to decode the data we 're looking at , but knowing this much leads me to an alarming possibility . We had a frustrating problem during one of the PORTs [ 1 ] when we left the APXS contact switches enabled after opening the APXS doors ; a sequence failed that should have worked perfectly , because the switches falsely signaled a contact . The vehicle thought the arm had whacked into a rock or the ground and set an error flag , which caused the rest of the sequence to refuse to move the arm . It turns out that those switches are flaky ; they often spuriously signal a contact when the doors are open , so we have to disable them after opening the doors ( when we are actually going to place the instrument and therefore might see real Posted by It 's our last sol on Mars time . I spend a lot of the pre - shift time working ahead , trying to assess the terrain for our upcoming drive . Our long - term drive path is blocked by a rock I dub " Combover Pig , " so we 'll have to go southwest before we can head east to the hills . But there 's a bigger problem in the near zone . I try to persuade myself that there 's a short path to the other side of Mazatzal , but the terrain doesn 't want to cooperate . There 's a 15cm rock in the way - - which is not a hazard per se , but there 's a 15cm - deep depression on the other side of the rock , making 30cm total , and that 's an unsafe combination . I work on some ways to use the terrain against itself , putting one wheel up on the rock and straddling the depression , but there are worst - case scenarios no matter how we go . I 'm almost willing to risk it anyway , but I run out of time to look at it without really reaching a resolution . They used another one of my rover wakeup songs - - Cake 's " The Distance " - - on Opportunity . This is because Opportunity set a new single - sol distance record : 48 . 9m . We 're unlikely to surpass that record , but they will . I 've been worried whether we chose the right mesh yestersol , so I 'm anxiously waiting around in the SMSA when the pass starts . The minute the images start flowing , John Grant walks up with a huge smile . " You made the right call , " he says . The RAT placement was right on the money . Mark points out that our image of the APXS doors , which is just intended to verify that the doors have closed after an APXS operation , was taken at a higher quality than we think is necessary . It 's not a big deal , making only a few KB of difference in the downlink , but this piques my curiosity , and I go ask Justin Maki about it . He doesn 't see any reason we need the higher quality either , but it 's what they 're doing on Opportunity , and it 's simpler for everyone if we just let the missions be consistent . And since it 's not a significant difference in the downlink volume anyway , we decide to drop it . But this gets us into a discussioPosted by We might start driving tomorrow , sooner than I thought - - if not tomorrow , then the sol after . They still haven 't decided where we 're going from here , along the rim or straight away from the crater . I start looking through the imagery we have , to see if we 've got a safe path in either direction . Neither one looks good . Opportunity is driving today . Only a few sols out of their crater and they 're going to break our one - sol drive - distance record : 48m tomorrow , or so . And they 'll better that record on future sols . Before long , they 'll set a record we have no hope of breaking . Oh , well . It was nice while it lasted . I chat with Frank about this for a little while , and about other things . They 're going to stay on Mars time a little longer than we are . Frank isn 't going to miss Mars time , but I am . I realized one of the reasons why when I was walking in today at 3 : 30 AM : coming to work at all times of the day and night emphasizes the uniqueness of what we 're doing . When we start keeping regular , Earth - time hours , it just won 't seem quite as special any more . Frank grudgingly agrees . " You want to see something really cool ? " Justin Maki asks . Who wouldn 't ? Justin shows us two really cool things . First is an animation of all the MI images that have been taken on Opportunity . The second is even cooler : Stubbe Hviid has put together a movie of all of the front HAZCAM images we 've taken on Spirit . The movie incorporates all of our drives and IDD work up to this point - - the last three months of my life , flashing before my eyes . We 've packed a lot into those three months . Mark has solved the visual odometry problem that caused Opportunity to behave so strangely when they tried it . It turns out that the code wasn 't properly thinking in 3 - D , causing it to think the goal point was closer than it really is . We might get a solution in place and tested in time for us to use it when driving away from here , though I doubt it . Today 's sequencing should be simple : a RAT placement , a bit of IDD work . Of course , it doesn 't work out that way . TPosted by Ah , a short day . I needed one of those . I have another interview with WBBB , the Raleigh station , and it goes really well . Interviewing with morning shows is strange in one respect : because they 're trying to keep the show 's energy level high and make their listeners feel good about being awake so godawful early , they laugh at everything you say that 's even remotely funny . Even though they 're doing it for show reasons and not for me , it helps me see a little of how it is to be famous or powerful . It 's like a little taste of that insular world that you always hear that famous people live in . This helps explain famous people . I kind of feel sorry for them . Yestersol 's RAT operation was incomplete . It didn 't drill as deep as they wanted , but even more oddly , the left half of the resulting circle is white , and the right half is dark - - a little like the yin - yang symbol . They don 't know why this happened , but they 're going to do it over . And in passing , Atmospheres [ 1 ] says that we 're getting into a time of the Martian year where we may be able to see clouds . Those will be some damn cool images . Courtesy NASA / JPL - Caltech . Curiously bi - colored RAT spot . Courtesy NASA / JPL - Caltech . Confirming that Spirit 's APXS dust doors are closed . Footnotes : [ 1 ] That is , the subset of the science team that studies the Martian atmosphere . Once again , I devote my day to the updated RoSE delivery , implementing the remaining requested feature and packaging a new test release . So much for that . The extended mission may be extended further than I had thought . All of a sudden , people are talking about Spirit lasting 270 sols ( 150 for Opportunity ) . As of Monday - - only a few days from now - - we 're on Earth time , and the Earth - time schedule starts at 7AM . I can 't do six months of 7AM , but Chris and John will likely take mornings , and I 'll take afternoons . Happily , this doesn 't mean I 'll be RP - 2 all the time , because our days will shift in such a way that , after a while , the afternoon shift is doing the first half of the plan , and the next day 's morning shift finishes that plan . So the humans will stay on the same schedule and let Mars rotate around us , rather than vice versa . Once again , the downlink assessment meeting reveals that our Mazatzal exploration schedule has been pushed back slightly ; RATting takes a lot of energy , and we 'll need sol 82 to charge the batteries . Now the drive starts on sol 85 . True to form , the software update has been delayed again as well ; it now starts on sol 96 . Xeno would be so proud . They revisit the question of how far to traverse the crater before heading for the hills . The tradeoff is that we 'll get less 3 - D data on the crater ( we won 't ever see the parts of it that were initially hidden by the rim itself ) vs . getting to the hills that much sooner . The sooner we start the long - haul drive , Ray points out , the more energy we have to drive with ; and we might as well start driving while the rover is completely healthy . " How far around the rim would we have to go to make staying here worthwhile ? A hundred meters ? " Ray asks . " Less than a hundred meters , " Larry Crumpler answers . " Ninety - nine meters ? " " Ninety - nine meters , yeah , " says Larry . " So how many people just want to get the hell out of here ? " Ray asks . When he rephrases it a little more neutrally , the vote overwhelmingly favors driving to the hills early . Props to Long John SiPosted by I spend basically the whole night working on the new delivery of RoSE , and am able to cut a preliminary release ( missing only one feature , which I 'll do tomorrow ) for testing . I interrupt this only for the downlink assessment meeting . The MB PUL reports some surprising results from their instrument . We don 't seem to see through the dust on Mazatzal - - they see more Fe3 + , not less , after brushing . Someone also has a presentation diagramming rock layers , from the outside in : Loose mantle Cemented coating Rock alteration products ( friable ) Moderately altered rock ( indurated ) Unaltered parent rockThe RAT can in principle drill all the way down , but so far we 're seeing surface phenomena only . They plan to spend more time here than they originally scheduled ; now the drive is set to start on sol 84 or 85 . This is partly because this will have to be a recovery sol : the APXS doors did not fully open on our latest placement ( roughly , it turns out we have to push a little harder on them than we 've been told to ) , so they need to redo the work . As a result , they won 't RAT tomorrow ; tomorrow will be devoted to MB / APXS and remote sensing . By the time they discovered this APXS problem , the next sol 's APXS sequences were already set , so they 'll have two sols ' worth of data to redo . Basically the entire extended mission will be devoted to exploring the Columbia Hills . Of course , first we have to get there , or try to . They 're planning 60 sols , plus 30 contingency sols , for that . Over the next few days , they 'll try to work out how long it will take to drive there , and how long Spirit is likely to last . This will tell them how much time they have left over to do science at random targets of interest along the way . In my copious free time , I 've been hacking on RoSE to add features that they 'll need for the extended mission . So far , there hasn 't been a delivery date , so I 've just been working on the changes when I can . Today a delivery date crops up . They want to install it Monday . That means I 'll need every spare minute to finish the work . So I don 't have time to check out an alarming observation about the failed Mazatzal drive . Mark Maimone points out that the tracks show that we passed only about 60cm from a rock called " Skull , " much closer than we should have . The planned drive had about 1 . 5 to 2m of clearance . Skull was a large rock ; if it had been a little taller , this problem might have damaged the solar panels . The positive spin on that , I guess , is that things could have been worse . I do take time to go to the downlink assessment meeting , though . The coolest part of that is a " show and tell " moment : one of the RAT guys passes around a prototype of the RAT . It 's cool to be able to hold it in my hand , press the contact switches against my palm to get a genuine feel for the instrument . I also go to the post - SOWG science talks . Ben Clark tells us about " The Universal Soil of Mars . " The soils and rocks have most elements the same ; only sulfur , chlorine , and maybe potassium differ . Adirondack and Humphrey are made of virtually identical material . In order to tell whether this is only a surface phenomenon , he argues for a deep RAT grind . It might also help to do a progressive brushing : do a light brush , measure the spot afterward , then brush a little more and measure again , and so on , to see how the results change as the dust layer thins and eventually is removed entirely . The really interesting presentation is Geoffrey Landis 's exploration of the " Proposed Spirit Electrostatic Discharge Campaign . " There 's a lot of electrostatic charging on Mars , which comes from the sand grains being rubbed together by wind ( similar to rubbing a balloon ) and from the solar UV . Some of the dust adherence to rocks may be a result of this electrPosted by I get to thinking while driving in to work . We haven 't screwed up many drives , but the ones where we 've had the most trouble have been approaches . Traversing many meters in terrain where you 'll slip an unknown amount , and having to end up in a zone only 10 or 20cm wide , is a recipe for failure . Even in this terrain , where we knew we were slipping 5 - 10 % , given the length of the drive , the uncertainty in the amount of slip exceeds the size of the target zone . So we were , essentially , relying on luck . Gambling . And we lost . The Mazatzal approach was just one example ; we had a similar issue when approaching Humphrey , but it so happened that that drive was planned as a two - cycle drive for other reasons , so they had a chance to recover on the same sol . I decide that the next time we have an approach sol , I 'm going to insist on either visual odometry ( which we currently can 't use because of the irreproducible problem we had with it on Opportunity ) or a two - cycle drive . It might take some selling , but I 'm determined . I don 't want another drive to go wrong , and it 's better to take our time on the approach sol and do the job properly than have to waste one more damn sol recovering . The pass comes , and I 'm relieved to see that we 're just about exactly where we wanted to be . I guess I 'd be another 5 or 10cm closer if I could , but we can still reach plenty of the rock face from here , including RATtable spots . It 's not perfect , but we can do the work we need to do . Not what I was hoping for . But you know what ? Fuck it . I decide to consider this a victory . I look at the front HAZCAMs with Dave Des Marais and Craig Leff . " So , is this a ' white rock ? ' " Craig asks . Dave equivocates on that point , but adds that the politically correct term is " light - toned rock . " " Yeah , but the phrase ' Light - Toned Rock Mafia ' just doesn 't have the same ring to it , " I say . Craig asks if the rock is reachable , and I tell him we should have good coverage on the lower half of the rock at least . They should plan to RAT . " Short drive , huh ? Piece of cake , " he sPosted by I wake up on the wrong side of the bed and arrive at work in an uncharacteristically foul mood . My mood doesn 't improve when I see the results of the drive . We didn 't make it . It looks like we slipped twice as much as predicted ; we 're short of our planned position by maybe half a meter . We wanted to end up where we could IDD Mazatzal , including RATting . But the rock is barely within reach of the IDD , and we definitely can 't RAT it from here . So we 'll have to spend another sol getting where we really need to be . Well , I 'd been wondering what it would feel like to blow it . It doesn 't feel good . In fact , it feels absolutely fucking rotten . In retrospect , I could have lived without knowing that . This makes the downlink assessment meeting an uncomfortable place to be . I feel like everyone 's being careful not to blame me . But it 's my fault . I should have fought to use visodom ; this would have cost us a lot of time and power , but we 'd have pegged the drive . Or maybe I could have found a better approach angle , or something . I should have tried harder . We 'll be here three or four sols . Their commitment to RAT this rock is unshaken , though thanks to me that won 't happen as soon as it might . ( Bah . ) We 'll probably treat Mazatzal the way we treated Humphrey : brush off several spots to get the effect of a single big spot we can effectively MTES , IDD those spots , and grind one or two of them more deeply for closer inspection . Is this a " white rock " of the sort the White Rock Mafia has been agitating for us to investigate ? Nobody seems to have a firm opinion . " Can 't we just say it 's a white rock and be done with it ? " someone asks wearily . The more I sit in the meeting , the less it seems to me that anyone else really is upset about our ( my ) failure to reach Mazatzal . I 'm still deeply upset with myself , but I seem to be the only one . Dave Des Marais even puts a positive spin on it : " In a way , this is ideal for Steve [ Gorevan , the RAT guy ] because he 'll have full control over the approach . " I later sit down with Dave and Steve to talk aboPosted by Our downlink data is delayed by some kind of ground system glitch . The glitch clears up to show us a flattish , whitish rock just in front of us , and a much more interesting fishlike rock a few meters away . It reminds me of a coelacanth or something . So we 're going to MI the nearby whitish rock , then drive to the coelacanth . This all fits neatly into one of the scientists ' sol templates ( a " D - type , " or " dirt - type , " sol ) . The " coelacanth 's " name is Mazatzal , which is the name of a group of mountains in Arizona . Nobody can get this name straight ; all night , people keep calling it " Mazatlan , " " Marzipan , " etc . , until it becomes a running joke . I really wanted them to call it " Coelacanth , " but that would have been worse . I end up attaching a picture of a coelacanth to my uplink report anyway . Our odometry total is 459m , plus the 25m or so we traversed today . Added to Opportunity 's 115m , we are just under 600m combined . The time the scientists save planning by using the new sol templates gives them a lot of time to sit around arguing . They must love them . To kick off the discussion , Jeff Johnson shows a PANCAM spectrum of Bear Claw , the scuff I helped make when I was last on shift . It 's a beautiful , beautiful picture , and the science information revealed by the scuff is no less interesting . The small rocks we see around us seem to be made mostly of the same stuff as Adirondack . The material inside the Serpent drift , the stuff revealed by the scuff , is something different - - they don 't know what yet - - and the dark deposit on the far wall of the crater , with its " mystery feature , " is something in between . That 's surprising , since they expected Serpent 's insides to look the same as the crater deposit . They haven 't yet compared the data to the trench results - - " but that 's a good idea , " Jeff muses , " we should do that . " The scar , however , does show some evidence of the mystery feature , which is also surprising : why would the stuff ( whatever it is ) be in some of these identical - seeming drifts and not in others ? At this point , thePosted by I 'm off shift , which means I spend my time hacking on RoSE instead of doing the glamorous work . We 've traversed another 34 . 3m around the crater , which is a pretty good drive for this rocky terrain . They also scarred a drift as they drove by it - - driving along a drift such that the wheels on one side rode through it , periodically wiggling the wheels and correcting for yaw . They took pictures of the scar before moving on ; this should make for some interesting science . It 's not clear how much farther we 'll travel around the rim before heading for the hills . They 're looking into what data we need to gather , via remote sensing , on the Columbia Hills before we have to pause exploring while they upload the new flight software . It occurred to someone that autonav won 't see a certain type of obstacle as a hazard : a tall , thin spike . Despite the fact that nobody has ever , ever observed such an object on Mars , we get an official directive not to plan autonav drives into an area unless we can rule out the existence of such a hazard . In most cases , if we could see that well into the area in question , we wouldn 't rely on autonav ; we 'd use blind driving instead . The new directive is very stupid . I think Mark instigated the concern about it as a way to drive the project to install the updated flight software , which would detect Martian beanpoles as a hazard . The best news of the day , I think , is that our big picture is back . I think somebody must have taken it to LPSC . In any case , Mars is outside my office door once again . Interestingly , the scuff - drive ended up driving the rover 's right bogie to the hardstop . While climbing over one of the rocks as we backed up , the bogie ( the rear part of the rocker - bogie suspension ) was angled way up . No harm resulted to the vehicle , and as Rich Petras points out , this is something that rocker - bogie suspensions will do from time to time , and none of our modeling tools can predict it well . So I didn 't do anything wrong . But it 's a little freaky to see . I finish implementing a new RoSE feature just in time to go to the downlink assessment meeting . I 'm not really clear on how far they drove yestersol , if at all , but they did some remote sensing on White Elephant . Steve Ruff , reporting the MTES results , deadpans : " It looks like a dusty rock . " The RAT guy , Steve Gorevan , says White Elephant looks " eminently RATtable , " an important consideration for characterizing white rocks . Arvidson seems to want to skip White Elephant , though , feeling that it will slow us down too much . We 're not really sure if the terrain is navigable ( because we don 't have terrain meshes yet ) , and he wants to put more meters on the wheels . One thing they might want us to do while putting meters on the wheels is to deliberately drive one side of the rover along a drift , leaving a big scar for them to image . There are problems with doing this ( it guarantees slippage , which means uncertainty in our positioning , and that uncertainty is multiplied for a longer drive ) . But it sounds like a cool thing to do . Just before the meeting ends , Ray reports that " at LPSC , we were heroes . " Steve Squyres stood up and got a huge round of applause before he even said anything . The room was packed wall to wall - - people were standing in the aisles and along the walls ; you couldn 't enter or leave . " I haven 't seen such excitement since the Viking lander missions , " he says . " Even grumpy old greybeards were ooh - ing and aah - ing . " Once again I have a lousy night 's ( actually , day 's ) sleep . I keep waking up , thinking of ways the drive is going to fail . There are a lot of them . We didn 't correct enough for slip . Or : did we really analyze the depression ahead and to the right of us ? Could any nasty surprises be lurking there ? Or : if we slip too much as we drive downhill , we 'll end up climbing that 20cm rock ahead of us instead of stopping short of it , and if there 's a depression on the far side , we could get high - centered on it - - with the rock scraping the rover 's belly , and the rover unable to gain enough traction with any of its wheels to crawl back off . Of course , this would mean that our imaging was badly wrong , and our simulations were badly wrong , and our slip estimates are badly wrong . But apart from that , it 's very likely . I obsessively check the flight director 's report while getting ready , and am considerably relieved to read that we drove the expected distance and have a scuff mark in front of us . Is it reachable from the IDD ? Did we nail the mid - drive imaging ? The report doesn 't say . But when I get to work and see the results , I 'm shocked . It 's perfect . The scuff is nearly dead center from our final position , with good chunks of it in the IDD work volume . ( In fact , maybe all of it is in the work volume ; the tool that does the preliminary analysis has some limitations that the shape of the scuff might be exposing . ) And the mid - drive NAVCAM , which is a bellwether for the other mid - drive imaging , couldn 't be better . The main body of the scuff is right there in the middle of the image . While I 'm gaping , John Grant says : " Let me be the first to congratulate you on a perfect drive . " When he left last night , he just wanted us to end up somewhere near the scuff . And we executed perfectly . I don 't know if it 's relief or disbelief , but I can 't stop looking at it . I know I say this all the time , but seriously : I worry too damn much . I 'm not on shift today , Chris is , so it will be his job to IDD the scuff ( which has been named " Bear Paw " ; targets Posted by I wake up a couple of hours early , in a near panic . I had completely forgotten that our previous drive had timed out , which means we would have had a goal - error flag set . Mark didn 't mention this in his hastily written downlink report , so we didn 't clear the flag in this drive sequence , which means the drive won 't happen . I dislodge Zenobia , log in from home , and check the telemetry - - only to find that the goal - error flag wasn 't set after all . ( Which must be the actual reason Mark didn 't mention it : there was nothing to mention . ) I don 't understand this , but I 'm so relieved that for the moment I don 't care . I actually manage to get a little more sleep before I have to get up . ( It turns out later that there 's a good explanation why there was no goal error . At the end of our last drive , the rover timed out because it was back - and - forthing , trying to find a safe path . It happened to time out after a backward move , which left a little extra space in front of it . The sequence cleared the timeout error , enabling the rover to complete the final stutter - step into the small safe zone , without producing a goal error . If there had been such an error , Mark would have mentioned it and we would have cleared it as a routine matter ; we do that all the time . So everything was fine . You 'd think my subconscious would have recognized this pattern by now , instead of waking me up all the goddamn time . ) My badge is working again . I stuck around for hours yesterday , just to find out that Security couldn 't help me at all . The project sent them a list of people whose access was supposed to be revoked and mistakenly included my name on it ; apparently , this kind of thing happens all the time . And I 'm far from being the only person it happened to this time : I keep having to open the door for other people whose access was mistakenly revoked along with mine and hasn 't been restored yet . Today 's drive didn 't quite complete , but we got a heck of a lot closer than I expected . We made it to the far side of Serpent and turned to face the bedform ; thaPosted by During my pre - shift time , Frank , who 's trying to stay awake until the CAM , comes down to hang out and shoot the breeze a little . He 's not happy with his SpaceOps paper , he tells me . He wanted to write the definitive paper on how we 're using RSVP to drive the rovers , and ended up with something much less than that . " But I 'll write that paper later , " he shrugs . The world of " writing papers " still seems weird to me . I got so used to working on the kind of code you wouldn 't bother to write a paper about . Necessary stuff , stuff JPL couldn 't do without . But , let 's face it , boring stuff . It 's hard to compete with writing the software we use to drive Mars rovers . Speaking of which . . . " So , what are you planning to do when the project is over ? " Frank asks . I don 't really know . I 've planned to go back to working on the stuff I was working on before , especially since that 's what I 've been promising John [ 1 ] . But I don 't think I 'd be happy with things just going back to the way they were . Something 's going to have to change . I just don 't know what it is . Frank offers to arrange work for me - - graphics stuff , if I want it . Tempting , tempting . But I have promises to keep . And meters to go before I sleep . Against expectations , we 're driving today . Off in the drive direction is a long bedform named " Serpent . " Serpent is too large to drive over , so we 're going around it . The plan for tomorrow is to drive to its southern tip ( this takes us away from the crater rim ) ; we 'll maybe poke at it with the IDD , then head on . We might also study some nearby rocks , since there are some white rocks near Serpent and this gives us a chance to get the fucking white rock business laid to rest once and for all . ( That 's not my characterization ; Ray actually says " fucking . " He wants to drive on in the worst way . I find this impatience endearing , as does Frank , who asks him to come upstairs and light a fire under Opportunity 's scientists so they can get the hell out of their crater already . ) And we might get to do other stuff to Serpent , such as dragging tPosted by It 's starting already : at least temporarily , they 're moving the downlink teams to Earth time . Sigh . I 've decided to keep coming in at my regular time , even though I could be coming in 90 minutes later ( like everyone else ) , so that I can get more work done . Sigh . But maybe this will mean I 'll be able to work less on my days off . ( Fat chance . ) They 've taken another image of the backshell - - or whatever it is - - which have failed to fully clarify the situation . There are several Spongebob Squarepants fans on the project , who have decided that that 's what it is . I guess that counts as finding life on other planets . At the downlink assessment meeting , they have a beautiful color image of the color crater panorama on the big screens . I 'm really getting spoiled by the big screens . When the project is over , I 'm going to have to buy a 3200x1200 projection monitor . Anyway , the plan from here is to work the rim . We 'll be here for about 3 weeks ( later they say 18 - 22 sols ) , inspecting rocks , soils , ripples , deposits , etc . , as we crawl along , and that will take us to the end of the nominal mission . The extended mission will be the drive to Columbia Hills . The guy defending this plan puts up a presentation with a picture of Opportunity 's crater ; there 's a round of good - natured booing . But the point of showing the image is to set a context : in its crater , Opportunity found the interesting stuff ( bedrock ) just below the rim . We can expect something similar here - - we may , for example , not need to clamber all the way down to the bottom of the crater ; exploring the rim and upper slopes may do everything we need . At Bonneville , though , there is no evident outcrop ( which everyone was hoping for ) . Still , there 's significant value in being here . You tend to get more weathering on slopes , since they present a broad face to the wind and allow the weathered material to " escape " ( by running downhill ) , so we 'll see fresh material just beneath us . For the same reason , coatings and non - basalt rock types that don 't weather as fast as basalts will alPosted by At night , there 's a small red light in the sky . On that light lives four hundred pounds of thinking metal sent from Earth . I tell that metal what to do , and it does it .
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Aaaaaand once more , Ladies and gentlemen , Welcome to another exciting episode of Name That Vegetable ! What is it ? It looks like a stick . You can peel it . It doesn 't taste like much at all . Which only I can attest to , as I was the only one that actually ate the stuff . ( OK , Steve tried it . ) I make two of the kids read to me every night . Sometimes the boys get to choose what they read , but other times I make the choice . Why , you ask ? Because if I didn 't Nathan would spend an hour trying to plow through Harry Potter and the Sorcerer 's Stone , and Nicholas would be reading I Can Go ! every night because it 's fast and easy . When it was my turn to choose for Nick , I chose A Birthday for Frances by Russell Hoban . Anne - E gave the boys a collection of Frances books for Christmas one year . Do you know these books ? They are rather old . I read them when I was little . But I have to admit , even then I didn 't enjoy them the way I do now . Nick , however , wasn 't happy about reading this book . He grumbled and pouted , but finally began reading in a monotone voice devoid of any real feeling . I knew eventually Nick would get into it , and this is where he stopped to ask his first question . One which would be answered by the end of the first page . Nathan , however , always has an answer ready . When the weather first got warm , I took the kids on a walk around out property to collect all of the toys and playthings that has been left outside during the winter . We found all sorts of interesting items , most of them ours . Buckets and balls had been blown into bushes . Shovels were simply plopped on the ground , waiting for the spring grass to grow so they could be hacked into tiny plastic missiles by the rider - mower . Down at the edge of the property , the part furthest away from the house , the boys had left their boogie boards . Now , I know these are not winter toys , but apparently , to the boys , they look a lot like sleds . At some point they had taken them down to this spot , the spot that gets the most shade and is the last to let the snow melt . In case you can 't get a read on how large this is , it belonged to a deer . A full sized deer . Naturally , I was a little irked and freaked out about finding these remains right next to a spot where the boys like to play . No , just the remains of a deer our hunter neighbor shot with his bow and arrow . Once he was done with the meat , he left the body for the hawks . But apparently some larger animals beat them to it . How nice of them to share . The weather has been perfect this past week . Unusual for March , but welcome all the same . The hard part is going back to jacket - wearing temperatures . Posted by Last fall , in an effort to encourage the boys to both read and learn , I got a subscription to a kid 's nature magazine called The Big Backyard . And now , every month , the boys get a magazine about birds and chipmunks and all sorts of animals . They enjoy it . And untile recently , I thought this was a good thing . See , when I was away they sent us a DVD . It was a cute DVD , with nature shows and stuff . The boys probably wouldn 't have just watched it , but they would have let me play it in the background as they played video games or colored . The dirty part was , The Big Backyard sent us this DVD , and then told us if we wanted to keep it , we had to pay them $ 13 . OK , $ 12 . 99 , but it may as well be $ 13 . If we didn 't want to keep it , we had to send it back . What 's more , if we kept it , they would KEEP ON SENDING US DVD ' S ! And charging us $ 13 for each . To be fair , returning the DVD was simple . They requested you take it out of the case and enclose it in a special envelope for returning unwanted DVD 's . This way they would know you didn 't want it . I 'm sure they don 't even open the darn things , they just toss them out . In which case they may as well let you keep the DVD in the first place , and then request that you sign up for additional DVD 's you would like to get . That would be acceptable . But this whole business of giving you something you didn 't ask for and then telling you it costs $ 13 ? The biggest issue , however , is that it 's far away from shops . There is no whole foods store , no dry cleaners , no pie store , no pizza place . There is no coffee shop to sit and read in . In fact , the only thing nearby is an orthodontist , and a pilates place . This does me no good at all . This is mostly a good thing . The only trouble is that I sometimes have difficulty working the TV . Steve seems to constantly be changing remote controls or devices we can use to watch Netflix . Saturday morning the Wii was hooked up to the input I was sure belonged to the DVD player . Instead , we ended up watching PBS , which comes through on antenna . The shows on PBS are the ones we used to watch when Nick was really little . He and Nate no longer pay attention because the shows are a little young for them . But Andy actually puts down his DS and watches . He shouts the answers back to the Super Readers on SuperWhy . He actually leans forward to see what will happen next . I like to see it . He spends so much time trying to do the things his brothers do , it 's good to see him interested in something age appropriate for him . I especially like that he likes these shows , because they are reinforcing his letters and spelling . It 's not ideal . Gunther is irritating without the cone , but with it on he is a holy terror . He is large and clumsy , and with the cone he can 't even see or hear correctly . He bangs into people , knocking the kids down . He scrapes the cone against legs and furniture . In fact , he saw me remove it from the closet . And he started barking right away . It was dirty , so I washed it in the sink . Gunther barked the whole time . He was obviously angry , and with it on he is downright dejected . Well , for Nate and Andy , anyway . They both went in for yearly check - ups . They are both healthy . Nathan was in the 90 % for weight , which was a little disconcerting . But he 's been playing outside for hours at a time , and I like to think we offer him good choices when it comes to food and snacks . It 's just that , he keeps eating until you tell him to stop . He 'll eat the stuff his brothers leave behind . What can we do ? I also have a doctor 's appointment coming up . I 'm glad , because with the running I 've been doing since I came back from vacation , my ankle is flaring up again . It 's downright irritating . The tulips are coming up ! Not only have we had an unusually warm winter , but this week we 've had three days where the highs were in the 70 's . The boys were running outside with no jackets , and we opened the doors to let the warm air in . Never heard of this ? Well then you obviously haven 't gone to preschool in the past fifteen years ! Because that 's where I learned about this wonderful visit . Last year I was convinced the leprechaun was going to pass us by , but the day before St . Patrick 's Day Nick spent all of lunchtime wondering what the Leprechaun was going to do , explaining everything to his younger brothers . They were not at all let down when all the little guy left was Twix candy bars and green Tic - Tacs . He put off shopping too long , you see , and the stores were stripped of gold coins and green glitter . This year he left Lucky Charms for breakfast , and the milk magically turned green once in the bowls ! Also , he turned the water in the toilets green . Ewww . It comes to my attention that I have been off the boat longer than I was on it . I have been home for over a week . And I have almost gotten to the point where the world doesn 't spin when I sit still and close my eyes . But that stops as of now . Back to life . It 's time to start posting about things around here . Sorry there are no pictures . I 'll have plenty for next week . At least , I 'll try . One of the best things about being on the boat was not having to cook . Not only did I not have to rustle up three meals and two snacks a day for a bunch of picky eaters , I didn 't even have to think about getting food for myself . Because on this vacation , we got three sit - down meals a day . An extravagant breakfast , a lunch with lunch - dessert , and a three course dinner . This was every day . On top of that , I must mention the table settings . Every single time we sat down it seemed the table was set with cute props in the center piece and fancy folded napkins . It made me love sitting down to the table , even before the nice cook with the New Zealand accent would come up to explain what we were eating . A very nice man named Vaughn took us on a tour in Granada . We saw a waterfall and a few of us got to swim it the pool at the bottom . VERY cool . Virginia is the Captain of the boat . You have to do everything she says . A the end of the trip she presented each of us with a number of gifts , including a personal photo album of our trip . I really like and admire her a lot . Another thing she does is borrow everyone 's cameras at different points and download everyone 's photographs . At the end of the trip she will place all of the photographs on a flash drive , so everyone ends up with 850 photographs of the vacation . Many people , such as Terry , refuse to do this because 850 photographs are too many to look at . She has a point . It makes selecting which photos to share or include in albums almost impossible . This is why each of these vacations posts have eleven images . I promised Virginia that I would take my flash drive and share it with my parents , because they do not understand how these things work . One of the first things I did was go to my mother 's computer and plug in the flash drive . Then I opened up iPhoto . And there were photos of the boat . I was confused . I hadn 't transfered the photos , yet I recognized this picture of me from behind . . . It took a moment , but it finally dawned on me that this was not a photograph of me . It was actually a photograph of Linda . One of the best things about getting to have other people 's photographs , though , is that sometimes , or most of the time , other people turn out to be better photographers than you do . Or than I do . Also , I now actually have photographs from a vacation I took and I am in some of the pictures ! I never think getting there is half the fun . In fact , with my track record , getting there is usually The Absolute Torture One Must Endure In Order To Have The Fun . And then you have to do it again on the way back . I don 't usually like travelling with my parents . Mom , Dad , I love you , but I prefer to have a printed itinerary in my hand the day before departure , and to know which country I am flying to before leaving for the airport . When I would bring these things up in conversation with my parents before the trip , I was assured that there was , actually , an itinerary printed out somewhere , and that we 'd figure it out before we got there . Please understand me when I say I will never be able to fly anywhere ever again . I have been totally and completely spoiled . The leg room ! The ability to recline the seat ALL the way back ! The personal TV 's with tons of movie and television choices ! The food with real silverware ! The flight attendants that smile and don 't look at you like you 've been smuggling explosives in the diaper bag . Of course , then we got to Barbados and began filling out what seemed to be an endless supply of forms . We had to go through customs , see ? So Each time we arrived we had to tell there where we came from , and why , and how long we were staying and when we were leaving , and then two minutes later we had to provide everyone with exactly the same information on a different form . At our last airport we were led to an empty room with a CUSTOMS sign swinging in the breeze , and people actually came out of the back room to make us walk through immigration one at a time , and we watched as a guy unloaded our carry - ons onto a conveyor belt that would have easily fit inside my kitchen . Leaving Barbados we got on a charter plane . It was so small . It had spinning propellors . I sat next to my dad , and we both had a window seat ! I could see the shadow of the plane on the ground , and then on the ocean . It took 30 minutes , and I thought we would drop out of the sky at any moment . But we didn 't . And then when we got there it was so worth it ! I live in New Hampshire . I am a mom to three boys , a dog , and two cats . I think life is mostly funny . I love to write . I love to sleep . I love to run . I love cleaning and disinfecting in one simple step . I also really like pie , chocolate , and cookies , and anything made with both condensed milk and butter .
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Wow , this has been one busy week . Between contractors and insurance people , clients ( I love saying that word ) and blog events , I haven 't had a chance to post anything for a while . So here is a belated round - up of the One of a Kind winter show , which runs until the end of the weekend , with late night shopping hours tonight ! The media breakfast was lovely , as always . This year we got to enjoy my favourite kind of breakfast - sinful sweets ! The doughnuts from Glory Hole doughnuts were so decadent and delicious that I went a little overboard and had two . . . I like to think I burned them off as I raced through the Direct Energy Centre for the next couple of hours ( could ' a happened , right ? ) . My favourite artisan picks from last year were mostly all there again , and their stuff was still amazing . I also found a couple of booths that I hadn 't noticed last year ( I seem to miss some every time I go ) . Becca Wallace has the most awesome photos of vintage cars and trucks against these bright and cheerful backgrounds . The epoxy finish is perfect , they really pop out at you as you go by . I was worried that my boys would see these photos and demand to know why I didn 't get a bunch for their rooms , so I got a few little lapel buttons for their stockings . Sadly , the works were a little out of my budget for this year , so I had to make due with admiring them ( and her adorable little 8 - month old ) . Sarah Tacoma 's encaustic photographs drew me in like a bird to a berry , perhaps in part because of my new - found love of all thing encaustic . She takes the most gorgeous photos , then over paints them with a touch of colour and a film of beeswax . The resulting artworks are so dreamy and soft , and you can tell I really had an affinity with those berries . I also love the doors - they reminded me so much of a New Brunswick artist named Lynn Wiggington who does incredibly detailed paintings of the doors of Saint John ( I have a signed poster of her doors in the upstairs hall ) . Sarah 's display of works was beautifully done , I could have stayed at her booth all day . The same could be said of Atelier des cent - ans , which I posted about last time as well . I just LOVE their booth and their works . Their display is lesson in presentation - quiet , careful , and considered . It reminds me of the Japanese / Scandanavian store Mjolk on Dundas . The wave motif they presented this year is so beautiful - I have been practicing a very similar style of drawing for an upcoming project ( should I ever get time to do it ! ) . As always , Moon Rox tested my will power with their glittering line - up of baubles and bracelets . I love the way they use gold and brass , and their pieces always feel like top notch quality . Someday they will break me for sure . I am already eyeing one of the bracelets in my photo as I type this , thinking about that awesome re - entry policy that the One of A Kind has . . . If you went or are going to the show , I would love to know which artists caught your eye - I am always curious to see other people 's picks . Although many of my friends admire the same booths I do , there is always one or two I miss that I wish I had seen ! Speaking of which , Jen from Rambling Renovators will be presenting her picks tonight on stage at the show , and from touring a bit with her last Thursday as she selected them , I know it is an awesome list . Don 't forget the show is open late tonight - Happy Shopping ! : ) I grew up watching Mr . Dress - up , and have always loved the relaxed , kindly manner of Ernie Coombs , who would have been 85 today . Did you know he was originally from Maine ? If you have ever been to Maine , or met a Mainer , it would make complete sense to you . Thank you Google for making me think of him today . As the weather gets colder and the days get shorter and darker , my DNA seems to be pushing me to hunker down and get cozy . My crisp white bedroom wasn 't quite doing the trick . I dreamed big dreams of getting this bedding from West Elm : However , after a short and sweet discussion with the hubster , we decided groceries would take precedence . Being a true Taurus , I did not let this financial fluff interfere with my vision , and instead purchased a couple of boxes of RIT fabric dye and attempted my first dye - it - in - the - front - loader . After the basement disaster and the pipe fiasco , I figured that if things came in three 's , wrecking the machine would at least end our streak . ( I did not share this methodology with my husband . ) I grabbed a white Ikea duvet set we had on hand - my go - to white cover before the lovely West Elm one entered my life - crossed every conceivable extremity , and began pouring the inky black liquid into my defenceless machine . It worked ! ! It did turn out darker than these photos show it , although I certainly could have done with another couple of boxes of dye . But overall I am pleased as punch . I draped these Afgani pillows from Aunt D over the frame of the bed to help warm it up a little more . I McGivered them on with my handy office clips so they wouldn 't slip off every time we moved . I put a spare rug we had over the foot of the bed , but it 's the wrong colour and I kind of wish I had noticed and taken it off before I took the photos . I also took off the white bed skirt to show more of the rug . The Buddha is a very recent Value Village find - after paying the plumber for the pipes I needed to so some stress - relieving thrifting ! He was a sad , peeled and chipped dark red colour for $ 4 . 99 , and was just crying out for the my gold spray paint . I am very happy with the way he turned out , and he reminds me to just BREATHE . : ) Now I really want to change out the art for something richer . . . and maybe see if I have any darker curtains squirreled away somewhere . . . But so far I like my bedroom change - up , hopefully it keeps the chilly weather at bay . What do you think ? Any ideas for art ? The weird thing One of the ( many ) weird things about me is that when I am stressed out I am at my most creative . I 'll have fourteen deadlines and a calendar covered in black ink and suddenly feel the overwhelming urge to knit a sweater and re - paint a whole dining room set . Hey , it 's better than smoking crack , right ? So with a complete mess in my beautiful basement ; a pile of business cards on my table from plumbers , flood clean - up guys , insurance adjusters , and contractors ; and two new patched - up holes in my front yard , I knew it was time to get out the scissors and spray paint . One project that had been on my list for a while was a sleeve for my laptop . In the summer , when I was home , I found an old leather book bag my parents had given me when I was maybe 8 or 9 . It even has my monogram on it ! I don 't think I used it for very long , since it wasn 't very big and wasn 't all that cool at the time . . . But now it seems all kinds of cool , and the perfect size for my laptop to boot . The only problem was that it had no lining for my most precious baby , er , I mean computer . When I saw this tutorial on Design * Sponge , I realized I had found my solution . I had bought a sample of some lovely soft herringbone wool ages ago at a fundraiser for the Textile Museum , and had never known what to do with it . I dug it up and paired it with a bright green embroidery thread . I followed the instructions somewhat , and made them up somewhat as I went along . All my sewing stuff was under plastic in the basement so I had to improvise . : ) William helped me sew the top of the case down - I would put the needle into the wool and he would grab it and walk away with it until it was taught . It took a LONG TIME but that 's ok . I finished the sides up with the oh - so - beautiful blanket stitch , and slid it in my briefcase . Easy - peasy - lemon - squeezy ! What do you think ? Are you a stress - crafter ? Or am I one of a kind ? : p Omigard Emily Henderson is soooooo awesome . She made this light " sculpture " out of 99 ¢ hoola hoops . I kind of want to do this and just hang it in the corner of a room without the light . I wonder if it will look like I screwed four hoola hoops together and spray painted them gold ? Possible . But for the price of a latte , I might give it a shot . Cause it 's better than sitting around thinking about how much work I have to do downstairs . . . right ? When you 're down - make stuff ! After all the searching , all the open houses , all the paperwork and signatures , you hear those magic words : " It 's Yours . " You can hardly believe it , but there it is - in all it 's lovely glory - your very own new house . Gosh it 's exciting . You drive by it approximately 287 times in a slow , creepy way before you get possession , imagining paint colours and fixtures and landscaping . You pour over the teeny weeny floor plan that was in the marketing kit , envisioning renos and furniture placement . When you get the keys , you hold your breath as you push open the door for the first time , and maybe celebrate with a little bubbly sitting on the bare floor , your euphoric giggles echoing through the empty rooms . It is a mortgage commercial come to life . It 's a little smaller than you remembered from the open house and that one other time you walked through it . . . and the kitchen is much worse than you remembered ( are those mouse droppings ? ? ) . . . but think of the equity ! The decorating potential ! Replace the roof ? No big deal , you knew that going in - but what colour should it be ? Now don 't get me wrong , I LOVE my house , I really and truly do . The renos , the paint , the landscaping - it was hard work for sure , but the satisfaction of knowing it was my own cozy haven , my very own home made it more than worthwhile . Even the essential - but - not - pretty things like plumbing , electrical , and chimney cleaning are all worth it . It 's the surprises that kill me . Surprises are usually expensive , usually no fun , and decidedly UN - SEXY . Here are a few of the visits to the dark side of home ownership that I have taken in the last three years of being here : Sewage black flow in the basement Worse than walking down to a sight and smell that brought tears to my eyes was sitting in my dining room listening to them rip out the carpet , cut through the drywall , and yes , saw into my beloved built - in cabinets . The sounds of destruction - not construction . Expensive destruction . I have not lost perspective - just weeks ago people lost their entire homes and all their possessions to Sandy - but it breaks my heart none - the - less . Not our tree , but our problem . Surprise ! Fence toppled by high winds I can 't remember exactly when this happened , but we awoke one morning to find the fence between our house and our neighbours ' ripped and twisted , and lying flat on the ground . The garden , to be exact . OUR garden , to be completely precise . We did split the cost of a new fence , and actually split it with almost all of our neighbours to build around on all three sides , but my poor , sad , smushed plants all needed to be replaced as well . Surprise ! Tree toppled by high winds You know this one - tree fell down . Not part - way into our yard , nor into our and our neighbours ' yard , nor any other of the 360 directions it could have gone , but smack into our property , taking the new fence , the garage eaves troughs , our garden furniture , many plants , and almost our 2 year old with it . Not our tree , but our problem . Surprise ! Raccoon walking through our upstairs hallway At night . While my husband was skiing in BC . While I was at work until 11pm . While my babysitter cowered with my then 1 - year - old in his room , calling 911 . Surprise ! When I got home , Will was asleep and the cops had come and gone , barricading the raccoon in my bedroom with a chair under the door handle . I slept on the sofa in the next room in my work clothes ( a dress ) listening to the critter tear apart my closet all night , after calling every 24 hour wildlife removal number on the internet . Oh and I was preggo ( not really relevant , but it makes any story better , right ? ) Critter - removal and re - entry prevention = not cheap . masonry pointing repairs We haven 't done this yet , and it isn 't nearly as good a story , but there are several holes in the mortar between our exterior brick that need to be filled , and we need to replace the parging over our stone foundation almost all the way around the house . We haven 't done this because we could take the family to Europe for the amount we were quoted . Who budgets for PARGING and POINTING ? Surprise ! Argh . So it 's not all sunshine and roses in my wicked and weird world ( the raccoon thing definitely qualifies as weird though ) . Amidst the the craig 's list cabinet victories , the Value Village scores , and the crafty afternoon are loads upon loads of laundry , sink scouring , and potty training . But who would want to read about all that ? ; p I would say my home and I are out of the honeymoon stage , but there are definitely more days that not that I look around fondly . I do love this house , flaws and all . First of all , thank you all so much for the Steven and Chris love and support - talk about amazing ! I was really quite touched by how many of you reached out with congratulations , and I am so grateful to have so many friends out there . MOOAH to all of you ! It was a lot of work and a lot of fun , as you can imagine , and we certainly did not do it ourselves . In the end , we expanded our liveable area by 1 / 3 and created a really cozy spot where I spent a LOT of my second maternity leave . Last night I was down in my newly improved " office " area doing some actual paid work ( amazing ) and heard some weird gurgling coming from the shower area in the bathroom . People - when the drains gurgle , sputter , cough , or make so much as a peep - please call a plumber . Because I am a kind and decent person , I will spare you the more graphic images of what I came down to this morning ( and immediately texted my poor husband ) , and show you only this one . The shower is one of three drains we have down there , the other two under the dryer and in the furnace closet . Grossness was spewing from all three . ( Sorry , not often I get to use the word spewing and it is such a perfectly disgusting word , don 't you think ? ) So , a bit belatedly , I called the plumber ( apparently the plumber Mike Holmes uses ! ) . Bob The Plumber * did not mince words , and , sadly , neither did he use the word spewing . It turns out this was just the first chapter in our " Nasty Dealings with Neighbouring Trees " - which hopefully ends after two ( expensive ) chapters . This time , having been perhaps inspired by its ally Neighbouring - Tree - To - The - West 's surprise air attack , the Neighbouring - Tree - To - The - North deviously tunneled underground with its roots , harpooning our defenceless clay pipes , and strategically blocking our sewage outflow . Well played Neighbour 's Trees , well played . * * My beautiful basement now looks like this . Please note how much bigger the water stain is on the concrete than it appeared on the rug ! Luckily Bob the Plumber had me call Chad the Clean - Up - Guy * * * and my basement has been cleaned , bleached , and disinfected by a fine crew who just left at 8pm . The heaters and fans are running as I type , and the place smells like the YMCA . Next up , digging up our recently - landscaped - with - patio - stone front walkway and the possible removal of our concrete front steps to replace our outtake pipe . Despite the less - than - stellar quality photos , The fine folks at Apartment Therapy did a feature on the birthday party I pulled together for Will ( the same week as the Steven and Chris taping ) . I love that they are always sourcing their stories from their readers , it 's what makes the site such a great community ! I mentioned that the cupcake wrappers I used were ordered from Spaceships and Laser Beams , and they also did a feature on the party on their blog . If you are in the market for party ideas , you really should check out this blog - the imaginative ideas on there are constantly blowing me away - their staff must have SO MUCH FUN at work ! How did I suddenly end up showing my home on Steven and Chris ? That is a mighty fine question . About a month and a half ago , I got an email out of the blue from their Senior Decor Producer ( awesome job title BTW ) asking if I would be willing to do a tour of my house for the show . I responded enthusiastically ( i . e . many exclamation marks were used ) . There was no set timeline , so I got my butt in gear to finish off a few things , like the photo wall in the dining room . Then suddenly , while I was at the ROM with my kids and visiting Mother - In - Law Diana , I got an email on my phone asking if maybe they could come the next day ? ? ? Wowzers . I like to think I remained calm , but I have no doubt my mother - in - law would argue otherwise . That evening I cleaned like a MOTHER . . . so many things were stuffed into drawers and closets that have yet to be re - discovered . Then , as I checked my computer , thinking of everything I had left to do before they came , I realized that the next morning I had parent duty at Cam 's nursery school until 11 : 30 . They were coming at 1 . Swear words were uttered . To say I was a little distracted while setting up the kids ' snack would be a bit of an understatement . Luckily , I got another email that morning saying that they would have to reschedule . THANK YOU UNIVERSE . By the time they came the following week , I even more time to stash away the clutter and ' style ' my house ( as in , I made my son 's bed and put the toaster oven on the back porch ) . I wish I had taken the opportunity to grab some good photos of the house that day , because Lord knows it will never , ever be that tidy again ! However , I was a busy bee for the 3 hours that the producer Barb was here , discussing wording , trying to remember the wording we discussed , fussing over every object in every room , doing voice - overs and on - camera takes . They did the whole house , although the segment on my bedroom was cut and we discussed many , many more items than were shown ! After Barb left , the videographer Ved stayed for another 2 , almost 3 hours taking shots of all the details in the house . I think he did an amazing job . The fabulous Diana was thankfully still in town and took the boys out for the entire afternoon ( I have no idea where ! ) . There was no way I could have done this with them in the house - there is no way they could have been that quiet for that long ! Diana was a little surprised to see the cameras and equipment still here when they got back at 5pm . The boys were great about not making a huge mess in the rooms Ved hadn 't shot yet . We asked him to shoot the kitchen first so that Diana could start making dinner ( yummy knedliky ! ) before the boys lost their minds . Below is may favourite shot of two professionals hard at work . Then Diana left , and my parents came , along with Chris 's brother Dave . ( Did I mention that during this I also had William 's birthday party - two days after the above scene - and Halloween , and had enjoyed visitors for about the last 5 or 6 weeks , starting a few days before my brother 's wedding ? ) The great news is that Mom was able to come to the studio with me to tape the " live " interview with Steven and Chris . When I was in the green room , they asked if I thought she would mind being mic ' ed as well - and I thought it best not to tell her in advance and make her freak out . So just before the taping started , they gave a very shocked Barb Mackay her mic ! We had a lovely time and I was so glad she was there . It was really neat to see how they put the show together . For example , the banana ice cream they showed at the end actually took about 15 minutes , and they were having a fit about it . Also , the interview with the singer was done in front of a totally different audience , and we did not actually watch the entryway segment either ! Plus they actually asked me a few more questions , but I guess my nervous blathering responses needed to be cut in the interest of time . : ) But I am glad they kept the part with my mom - although she later confessed that she had no idea what they were meant when they asked her if she DIY ' ed . : P ( She does by the way - she has recovered many chairs , sewed many curtains , and done more than her fair share of painting ; I come by it naturally . ) So there you have it , my whirlwind adventure with fame . It was a blast and I am hungry for more ! They may have created a monster - I am crafting reality show pitches as I type . : ) WELCOME to anyone new who came from the show and actually read this whole thing - I would love for you to stick around ! And thanks to those of you who have read from the beginning - you are the wind beneath my wings . Don 't worry , I won 't forget the little people . : ) Hearing the sound of your voice on the answering machine is strange . Watching yourself give a tour of your home on national television in the middle of a live studio audience is . . . surreal . Today the house tour I filmed a couple of weeks ago and the " on - air " interview I did last week finally aired . Well , I shouldn 't say finally - I am actually sort of stunned by how fast this all happened ! I have only watched it once - my neighbour kindly lent me her keys so I could bring the kids over to see it as it aired . They weren 't even home , but we don 't have cable , and the boys were thrilled to see their rooms on TV . Gosh , my palms are starting to sweat just posting that image ! Thanks to everyone at Steven and Chris , they were so sweet . The videographer was fantastic , the producer kept me calm and succinct , the senior producer had it all organized perfectly , and Steven and Chris were charming and kind . It was a fabulous experience - one I never would have thought I would be blogging about - and I am so happy my mom got to be there too ! Sadly the online clip doesn 't show the studio segment with my mom and I , ( neither of us had any idea they were going to mic her ! ) , because she looked great . : ) Oh , and in case you are wondering , no - my house never , ever , ever looks this clean . Yes , that big clatter of brass you heard was me jumping on the bandwagon . Today was cold and bright , and I had to dig out everyone 's mittens and toques before school . When we were all home in the afternoon , the sky darkened and there were little , teeny , tiny , fleeting flakes of snow . The lamps inside glowed , the radio played , and I snuggled on the sofa with my boys , a blanket , some books , and a cup of tea ( nobody move , mommy 's taking a sip ! ) . It was downright SNUGGLY . In my defence , it felt a little more wintery than fall - like . The leaves are mostly gone from the trees and sitting in huge piles on the street , waiting for collection day . It was dark around 5 pm . So I did what any self - respecting bandwagon - jumper would do , and made a huge and hearty pot of chicken noodle soup from scratch , heavy on the noodles , while Sarah Vaughn sang us a soundtrack . I am not a fan of change - anyone who knows me will tell you that is the understatement of the decade . And fall is a rough transition , like leaving your beloved home for a year of unknown travels . I can see the beauty , but it is still to close to summer for me to enjoy it without looking back wistfully over my shoulder as summer recedes . Plus , this summer was a real hum - dinger - which made it that much more difficult to let go . PPPS . Don 't forget to tune in to CBC TV tomorrow at 2pm . Don 't be late , I am up right away , and if you blink , you 'll miss me in all my dorky glory . I am going to my neighbour 's house to watch - the only time in the last two years I have wished for cable ! Wow , so it 's November , huh ? How 'd that one sneak by me ? I suppose Halloween should have tipped me off , but I often forget to associate events with calendar dates , if that makes any sense . Yes , I know my mom 's birthday is November 5th , but what does that have to do with next week ? Yikes . I also added even more fall - themed items to the mantel , in the forms of Marcel the mini - pumpkin and his friend , and the mummy lanterns inspired by Jen . And of course we had to put out the jack - o - lanterns we carved in the afternoon ! The one with the grin is currently sitting pureed in the freezer thanks to my amazing mumma . I agree Cam - two - thumbs - up . Hi , I 'm Lisa , and I have always had an obsession with beautiful things and creative thinking . I started this blog in 2008 to share cool stuff with friends without clogging up their in - boxes . Now I continue to dedicate ridiculous amounts of time to admiring the endless supply of cool and lovely things I comes across - from design , art , and architecture to music , crafts , and sometimes my own creative projects . If I think it is wicked ( as in awesome ) and / or weird , you will find it on my blog !
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" Tomato suckers , or side shoots , are the growth that appears in the crotch between the stem and a branch . ( See photo above . ) If left to grow , they will become another main stem with branches , flowers , fruit and more suckers of their own . " I carefully gathered several suckers , went to my greenhouse where I had pots of Mel 's Mix ready , moistened the bottom of each sucker in water and then stuck it in rooting hormone ( shaking off the excess ) and put the suckers in the pots . I then watered the pots . It was really hot in the greenhouse so I left the thermostat - controlled exhaust fan on . This is what the thermometer in the greenhouse showed this morning , although it didn 't feel that bad . The exhaust fan is set to start and run when the temperature inside the greenhouse is 90 degrees F . or higher . It was off . The outside temperature is 77 right now . As you can see , Trial 1 was a failure . I chose and cut the suckers carefully . The fact that I planted in the heat of the day , rather than in the morning or right before dark may have been a factor . I read the directions on the rooting hormone and followed them carefully , so I don 't think that 's the problem . The fact that the thermometer is reading so high vs the exhaust fan being off may be a factor . I may bring the thermometer in and see if it 's working correctly . * It 's now about 45 minutes later . I brought the thermometer inside and my husband shook it . It has red dye now in the bottom of the package . Apparently , the temperature in the greenhouse blew its top off . We 'll hunt for a different style today while we 're out . I cut off the bottom of the stalks of celery I bought at the store and put each in a glass of water . These need to grow a bit more before they 're ready to be taken out to the garden and planted . ( If you look carefully , you can see that in the glass that 's second from the left , I 've put the end of a head of lettuce in a glass , just for giggles . ) There is a LOT of greenery on each stalk . I washed everything , then cut off the stalks into usable pieces , washed them again , and then took the bowl of cut celery to my husband in the living room where we each tried one . Oddly enough , they taste like celery ! : 0 ) My husband was trying to relocate a microlink to our computers in the shop . This is not a thing we HAVE to have , but it used to work and yesterday it wasn 't . In order to get it to work again , my husband had to move the equipment on the house end from the front of the house to the back and mount it on the window bars . This involved a lot of cable making , stapling inside the wall of the garage , welding and painting for the piece that mounted to the window , testing of cables , switches , and links , etc . It took my husband all day , but he got it working . Now he just has to put his tools away and cut down several branches on a tree between the house and the shop for a clearer line of sight . This is one of two spaghetti squash vines I have growing right now . I grew this from a seed I saved from a squash I bought at the store . It 's a bit larger than a softball now . Can tomatoes be ' cute ? ' If so , I think THESE are . These are grape tomatoes and this is today 's harvest . It may be awhile before I have enough for a salad … . A ' sucker ' is a sprout from the juncture of two branches . If you look carefully at this picture , you can find the juncture of the tall vertical branch on the right side of the picture and the horizontal branch going out to the left at the bottom of the picture . The ' sucker ' is the smaller branch with leaves growing right out of the juncture . I started on the far left , right by our trio of large evergreen trees . You can see , if you look carefully , where the brown of the tall grass that 's left is . It took me two hours to clear this much . There are HUNDREDS of weed trees between us and our view of the valley , but I figure if I try to do some every day , I 'll make it across the yard one day … . I 'll keep taking pictures of my progress . I also took half of the onions I harvested that have been sitting in the sun for several days on the grating of our trailer and put them out on the porch table so that Amber could feel that she was helping . At first she wanted to EAT the onions . And then she decided that they didn 't smell that great and she just looked at me with interest from time to time . June 15 , 2017 · 2 : 15 pm 1st Tomato Harvest Yesterday the first tomatoes were ripe enough to pick . I saw a couple that will be ready in a few days , too . We feel rich ! Here is Smoke checking out the greenhouse . She likes it ! She went right in and got under one of the saw horses . She didn 't want to come out . We 're deciding if we need a light or a hose later . Right now I 'm concentrating on getting all my supplies out there , getting them organized so I could actually fill a seed starter and plant something , have a place to throw things away , etc . I did take a folding chair out there today . : 0 ) I 'll need to fill a big trash can with Mel 's Mix so I have my good planting medium out there . I bought a nice bottle for spraying the plants . It has a pump on the top and then it sprays out a nice , fine spray for starting seeds . ( If I get to the point the greenhouse is full of growing plants , I 'll think about a LONG hose with a mister attachment . ) This is " The Nook " . There are only two plants here , planted two weeks apart . As you can see , we have really large plants that are difficult to keep supported . June 8 , 2017 · 5 : 13 pm State of the Garden Here is celery I started inside by cutting off the bottom 2 ″ of the stalks I bought from the store , putting them in water , and then transplanting them to the garden . I 'm not getting neat ' stalks ' like you buy at the store , but the plants look healthy . I 'm not sure if I should cut off individual stalks as they grow or what . It sure is fun watching them grow , though . I feel like a kid at Christmas . This is a spaghetti squash grown from a seed I removed from one I had bought at the store and cooked . Isn 't it cute ! : 0 ) June 8 , 2017 · 1 : 15 pm Onion Harvest The last storm made all of the tops of my onions break and bend over . They looked awful , so I went ahead and harvested them . THEN - not having a clue what to do to them to get them like the ones we buy in the store , I went to my " Square Foot Gardening Book " by Mel Bartholomew to find out . I didn 't have either of those things handy , but the side of our trailer had a nice grating stuff on it , so I put the onions on there . Happily , it 's not supposed to rain here until Tuesday , giving them several days to dry . Then I can store them either in net bags or a large bucket of peat moss until they 're all used up ! I just spent an hour and a half in my raised bed square foot vegetable garden . The fact that I can work in it without having to bend over a lot , and can plant , weed , harvest , and pull - a ll at about chest level - is really , really nice . That said , I 'm still old and I still get really hot working in the sun . : 0 ) We had a really odd combination of a cooler than usual spring with lots and lots and LOTS of rain and not much sun followed by blazing sun and 90 degree temperatures . This has resulted in my lettuce bolting , my spinach doing the same ( both shooting up to about 4 feet in height and going to seed on the top . ) The only thing to do with the lettuce at this point is save the little bit that I can and pull the rest of the plants . At the beginning , my plants were looking really good . Even with the best growing medium and supplements , square foot gardening , etc . , some years your plants simply don 't do as well as you would hope . The last storm also made the tops of my onions bend over and start to yellow . I looked at things today and decided to go ahead and harvest them . I pulled them all out , cut off the tops , and left them in a few piles on the planter while I came in to rest . I 'll read up on how to dry them for storage . I have 4 of the six planters cleaned up , pulled up , or pruned . I 'll try to finish in another session out there today . It looks as if I 'll actually get at least a small spaghetti squash or two ! I have a long vine with blossoms and two actual squash bulbs . I spread it out , allowing it to go where it will and do whatever it wants . I 'll take a pic later . My celery plants are still growing , but they don 't look a thing like a bunch of celery you would buy in the store . I have no clue what I 'm doing , but the plants look great ! : 0 ) I 'm hoping we 'll get the greenhouse finished soon and ready for me to start seed for my fall plants . It 'll be such fun to try to grow plants to transplant out into the garden at the proper time . Again , I have a LOT of reading to do as to when to start the seeds in order to have them ready for the fall . This is my square foot garden , minus the tomato plants we have on the opposite end of the house . We have six 4 ' x4 ′ planters at about chest level inside a fence and reinforced around the bottom by chicken wire . As you can see , my lettuce is starting to bolt . For those of you who are beginners , as I am , ' bolting ' lettuce is bad . It means the plants shoot way up high and start to go to seed . Usually this happens when the weather gets too hot . When this happens , the leaves start to get bitter - tasting . I 'm going to harvest as much as possible during the coming days , but a lot of work has gone to waste . : 0 ( This is the red leaf lettuce . Each year I feel like a complete beginner again . Every year I 've had a square foot garden , the results have been completely different . Each time I feel I 've learned something , Mother Nature laughs at me . I love the process of planning , planting , and hoping , though . The greenhouse we 're building will hopefully help me do some laughing myself ! ( The progress of the greenhouse is slow because the first step is clearing some land . Our weather has not been cooperating , so we keep having to move it to another week . This forecast shows you what we 're dealing with . Our weather has turned really warm and humid ( except for today ) and the lettuce is starting to bolt . I 'm hoping I can harvest a lot more before the plants are done until I plant more for the fall garden . This is red leaf lettuce . My husband wants me to plant iceberg lettuce . We don 't get the plants in this area for some reason . When we get our greenhouse finished , I 'll plan on trying to start some iceberg lettuce seeds for the fall garden . I worked out in the square foot garden for about an hour yesterday , trying to undo the neglect due to too much rain , then my husband 's cataract surgeries , and then the new puppy . I 'm basically down to tomatoes , onions , two kinds of lettuce , some spinach , some celery , and one spaghetti squash plant I grew from seed in the kitchen . I 'll try to get pics of the garden tomorrow . I 've been using a push weed - whacker , trying to go around the outside of the garden today . It 's hard work for an old lady . I ran into a tough something - or - other , snapping off the whacking cords . My good husband put some new ones on , so when the sun is a bit lower , I 'll do another hitch out there . Cold temperatures and nearly torrential rains for over a week followed by intense sunshine wreaked havoc in my square foot garden . I spent an hour weeding , pruning , and harvesting today , and another hour cleaning up what I harvested . I 'll probably do one more session out there before the day is gone . Just at the wrong time for the broccoli and cauliflower . I found a bit of harvest - able broccoli , but the cauliflower was granular - looking and dry . The rest of the main broccoli plants had bolted , so I had to cut those off and hope for some more shoots off the main plants . The romaine lettuce really surged , showing me that next time I plant this , I 'll only have one plant per square . When they touch another plant , the outside leaves get yucky and croak . I have a lot of pruning to do to get these plants happy again . The red leaf lettuce plants look like small BUSHES now . I 'll tackle them tomorrow . I harvested the rest of the radishes and will start another two squares of seeds soon . I feel bad when the garden isn 't at its best . It 'll probably take another day or two before it is under control again . My goal will be to have it done , plus the weed whacking of the yard finished , before the rain comes again Thursday . May 5 , 2017 · 4 : 01 pm Tomatoes 5 / 5 / 2017 Since the rains came and the sun started shining , the tomatoes have really grown . I spent some time today tying up branches , trying to get them to climb the trellises my husband made . This is the smaller tomato plant in what we call " The Nook " beside the porch and behind the house . April 30 , 2017 · 12 : 15 pm Garden After the Storms The temperature right now is 58 F . , and there is a gusty wind . The sun is finally shining . I 'm feeling really grateful that the Greenwood area of Arkansas seems to have come through the storms pretty well . Fort Smith got some hail damage , power outages , and some wind damage , but overall , it could have been a lot worse . I went out for the first time since Thursday to see what was left of our garden . There is no major damage . The plants are beaten up some , but seem to still be alive . I 'll be spending a lot of time out there , once it warms up a bit , trying to prune the dead parts off the plants , etc . This is the largest of the celery plants I started inside , cutting the bottoms off stalks I bought at the store . I have a couple more plants to bring out to the garden . Again , I have no clue what to expect . I may just get leaves , but I 'm having fun watching . : 0 ) Look at this ! I 'm delighted to see this sweet cauliflower head . I think I 'm supposed to arrange for the leaves to cover the heads so the head will stay white . April 26 , 2017 · 12 : 24 pm Tomatoes Home - grown sliced tomatoes are one of our favorite things . Each year the only thing my husband is excited about is planting tomatoes . He hounds me from WAAAAAY before we should be planting them until every space for tomatoes is planted . Last year the two plants in what we call ' the nook ' beside the porch and behind the house got SO big that a big storm broke them off in the middle and folded them over into the yard . They never recovered . We still got some tomatoes , but the tomato orgy was over . My husband built some stakes for the tomatoes in the nook this year . These blue stakes are about 6 feet high and made of metal . They are sunk to the bottom of the front of the planter and then lean against the brick wall behind . They 're super sturdy . I 'm worried , though , that the metal will get hot and burn the plants . We 'll see . The picture above is the plant we planted three weeks after the other one in the planter , hoping to extend our tomato season as long as possible . This is the other tomato planter . It has been converted from a flower planter to a square - foot garden planter . We have fairly sturdy tomato cages that stick down to the bottom of the planter . I planted the six plants at three different times , hoping for the best . They have really grown this past week . They weren 't even touching the cages last week . Yesterday I found two grape tomato plants at one of the stores in town . I throw these into salads , eat them with carrots , celery and dip , and love the way they give color to whatever you 're eating . I HOPE they 're happy in the garden . As soon as the rains quit , I 'll go out and see if I can tie the plants up carefully to give them as much support as possible . We 've been having heavy rains , lots of wind , some hail , and flying hair balls lately . I 'm trying to be thankful for every drop , but I hope all this doesn 't batter my poor little plants … This is the largest celery plant , though I have several others . No clue yet whether I 'll actually get a stalk or not . ( See what I mean about the little weeds ? Most of them are gone now . And spinach . I was so delighted to find plants for sale this year at the local co - op . I hope that I thanked the guy effusively enough that he 'll try to get them again and again . I can 't be the only person looking for them and wanting to grow it . I mainly cut up spinach for salads , or put the leaves in the rare sandwiches we eat now . I 'm going to try to actually cook the leaves this year . It might be a thing where we love the stuff in the can , but the actually fresh leaves taste like a completely ' different animal . ' April 23 , 2017 · 2 : 15 pm 1st Real Harvest of the Year - 2017 / 04 / 23 After the hail storm , I cut off lots of broken leaves . We had good eating from the sweet , broken plants , but it was sad to see everything so battered . Today , things have rebounded and I got our first real harvest of the year . I could have harvested much more , but I 'd like to ' eat our way through the garden , ' if possible this year . These were the largest of the radishes so far . It 's been SO cool and rainy , I haven 't checked on our garden in several days . I 'll do that today . I 'm hoping there will be some good things to harvest . If so , I 'll post pictures later . The damage from the hailstorm is gone . We actually found some very small heads of broccoli in the garden ! No actual veggies on the cauliflower plants yet . The radishes will be ready to harvest soon . I have one spaghetti squash plant that 's looking good , at least healthy leaf - wise . The onions are progressing . The tomato plants are all looking good . Not long ago I posted pics of our garden , battered by a hail storm and eaten by ' someone ' other than us . Happily , the garden seems to be rebounding ! We 've still had too much rain for me to start really trying to combat the insects , but I cut off and cleaned things out , bringing in what was good to eat and composting the rest . These are the tomato plants in what we call " the nook " - a planter we built beside the back porch behind the easternmost part of the house . The plants are more protected here from the gusty winds we get , so sometimes , these are the only tomato plants that do well . My husband built some super - sturdy things to which we 'll tie the plants as they grow , since the medium grade tomato cages collapsed with the weight of the plants last year . The broccoli and cauliflower plants look pretty good . I don 't know if I 'll actually get much from them . Last year I had good - looking plants , but not much actual broccoli and cauliflower to harvest . April 8 , 2017 · 4 : 38 pm First Spring Harvest - 2017 I spent another couple of hours getting the garden under control , and things are looking a lot better now . I cut off dead stuff , harvested some broken stuff and leaves that were torn or had bites out of them , but would still be good to eat . I washed everything carefully in the sink and then patted the leaves . I harvested two gallon bags of lettuce and two of spinach . This is the lettuce I harvested today . It 's mostly romaine . And this is the spinach . I hoping that the roots are good and strong and that the fact I had to harvest way more than I would have normally won 't hurt the plants . I got a pretty good workout with the 3 - 1 / 2 hours of gardening today , and I feel good that I managed to save a lot of what I had to remove from the plants for us to enjoy . My poor garden veggies have been / are under triple assault : hail , bugs , and weeds . I just came in from a session of weeding , cutting off broken limbs , harvesting some of the broken / hole - y stuff , pitching the rest . It looks like it will take several sessions to get my plants happy again . We 've had a lot of rain ( with hail and other severe stuff ) , then good sun , resulting in all of the problems . I do pretty well for an hour out there , particularly with our new raised beds , but I think it will take three or four more sessions to catch up . And THEN , guess what ! We have more rain forecast for four days next week … This is one of the spaghetti squash plants . You can see the holes in the leaves . I don 't know if that will kill the actual squash trying to grow or not . Many of the leaves on the lettuces and spinach are broken off . I 'm going to spend some time this afternoon finishing weeding , but also harvesting some of the sweet , broken leaves . I 'm hoping that the roots are still robust and that improving weather will bring them back to full health in a few days or a week . This lady is hopelessly spoiled now . I can plant , water , weed , and harvest - all without having to bend over double or get up and down endless times off my knees . I have SQUARES of plants now , rather than rows , and the plants seem very happy about it . Our total garden is approximately 25 feet long and 15 feet wide . It 's surrounded by fencing , and then chicken wire around the bottom . We have all kinds of critters roaming around because of living on top of a ridge line , outside the city limits , in a more wooded area , so we have deer , possums , raccoons , rabbits , roadrunners , etc . , who need to be kept out of the garden . We have a neon pink surveyors tape around the middle of the fencing to let deer know the garden is there before they run into it . The garden has six 4 foot by 4 foot ' boxes ' that are 8 ″ deep on metal support tables . They 're about chest high . We then marked off sections with stretchy string . I had some little bitty weeds trying to get a foothold in the garden yesterday . I weeded the whole thing in about 45 minutes with little effort , other than trying to make sure I got all the ones I could see out . Last year I had some beautiful broccoli and cauliflower LEAVES , but didn 't get a lot of actual VEGGIES from the plants . I have no clue why . I 'm hoping for some good eating this year . I 'm also trying to grow celery and spaghetti squash for the first time this year . We had several HARD storms yesterday afternoon , evening , and into early this morning . There was a lot of wind and DRIVING rain . I was afraid of what I might find in the garden with my tender , new plants . The part of the garden that had the hardest time was my labels ! They 're all dirty - I guess from blowing rain and Mel 's mix . I 'll have to clean them up at some point , but today was too busy . Here you can see the three raised bed boxes on the north side of the garden . The plant that had the hardest time was the red leaf lettuce . Some of it looks pretty beaten down , but I 'm hoping they 'll perk up . The Georgia Sweet Onions are doing well . The empty square will hold more spaghetti squash plants soon , I hope . I planted three tomato plants today , plus one celery plant and three spaghetti squash plants today . My spinach plants and Romaine lettuce plants are doing fine , so far . I 'll be able to start harvesting the outer leaves soon . On the right is a new spaghetti squash plant I transplanted today from the window sill . I 'm very happy that our garden is alive at all right now . Our weather has roller - coastered between hard freezes and a high of 90 today . We also had a timer malfunction on the garden irrigation system , so the plants were really badly overwatered at one point before we figured out the problem and replaced the timer . Now I THINK we 're finished with the hard freezes . Our temperatures are still roller - coaster - y , though . 90 today . 60 tomorrow . 80 the following day … . I need to take some sharp scissors to clean up the plants . Some have bad leaves . I did get out a few arrogant weeds today , though . : 0 ) Here is one row of our garden . You can see three ' boxes ' from front to back tied together by the irrigation system , which is on a timer we can control . Most of the garden is in now . I 've planted Georgia Sweet Onions , Broccoli , Cauliflower , Red Lettuce , Romaine Lettuce , Spinach , Radishes , celery , and spaghetti squash . Probably next month , when the stores have a good selection , I 'll get three tomato plants . In another three weeks , I 'll get three more , making a total of six . We have two brick planters on the east side of the house converted to square foot gardens , filled with Mel 's Mix , ready to receive the plants . Do you like to grow veggies ? I would love to hear from you , comparing notes on how you do it . I would love to hear about tips you have on getting a healthy crop , suggestions you have so that I can do a better job . I 'm a real novice and appreciate all the help I can get . : 0 ) Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :
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If you call Rosie a loose woman , it 's only because you don 't understand what girls like her contend with . Sometimes , a girl does not have a choice . The times are hard and the people are even harder . A girl has to do what she has to do to survive . She won 't sleep under a bridge , clothes have to be worn and the stomach has to be appeased . How then can she be blamed for using her endowments to get what she wants ? It wasn 't that Rosie was not capable of doing any other thing . She believed she could do so many things . After all , she was born to hard working civil servants . People who although were always broke by the middle of every month , managed to educate her and her four siblings up to university level . She studied Chemistry and graduated with honors in a university that still managed to be one of the top hundred in Africa despite the fact that they were underfunded and their lecturers were always on strike for one thing or the other . She could work under pressure . She was smart , intelligent , an asset to any organization . At least that was what she told herself and that was what she put on her CV . After a year of applying for jobs without being called for any interview , she decided it was time to leave Lagos for Abuja . Her dad would have none of it but she managed to convince her parents she would be fine . She had been reliably informed that Abuja was the place for her . Rosie didn 't need much convincing , Felicia was doing fine . Her skin radiated " good living " . She drove a good car . She traveled every abroad every other day . Whatever Felicia was doing she could too or even better . She always had the upper hand over Rosemary in the university . By the time she had spent three months in Abuja , she was certain it was the place for her . She wondered why she hadn 't realized that earlier . In Abuja , she had something that was always in demand ; her body . It was one gift most people saw and appreciated . Rosie needed no coaching in pleasing a man ; she had been doing it since she was seventeen . With ten years of experience behind her , she was ready for whatever it entailed . You could call it prostitution but to Rosie it was simply a means of survival or as Felicia would call it , transaction . What was the point in being prudish ? She had never been that , not even in university . On rare days when a passing comment about loose girls got to her , she would shrug it off reminding herself that so many girls did it for free . She had been that type of girl once ; giving it to her boyfriend , morning , afternoon and night free of charge save for the lone Rose that came every Valentine and the six pack of Vitamilk that came on her birthdays . " The guys of these days are so irresponsible . " she told her mum . " They don 't want to lift a finger . All they want is a woman who would bring in money while they drive her car all around town , sampling every new joint . I need to take my time . " Rosie always knew she could do better than Felicia . She had a certain hunger that the latter lacked . Felicia was the kind of girl who believed being comfortable was enough . Rosie wanted more . She saw the powerful women that ruled Abuja and wanted to be like them . She was patient , however and kept doing the " meet a rich man - make small talk - go to his hotel room - give a good head or a some good rounds of sex - collect the money - never see him again " until the day her luck changed . It was the day she met Funny Kay . He was rich , witty , rude , stupid , spoilt and also randy . Not that Rosie cared . With Funny Kay , she knew she could have whatever she desired and so she played her game well . The money , jewelries and trips abroad were just the icing . The cake itself was what she wanted and so she inserted herself into his flesh . He liked sex - the not so regular type . The type that most ladies will decline but she gave him lots of it ; the way he wanted it and even more than he expected . Funny Kay was not exactly in the corridor of power when she met him but at least he was in the compound . He was the special adviser to the special adviser to the president on something she never could remember . Being a personal assistant to a powerful Minister provided Rosie with a lot of opportunities which she didn 't waste . She started withdrawing from Funny Kay when the big fishes started coming around - not that he cared . He didn 't like to date a woman for too long ; she only lasted so long because she gave him what he wanted . These days the people she slept with are those who Funny Kay look up to . She occasionally allowed him to have sex with her . She wouldn 't know why if you asked her . He was still as stupid , depraved and annoying as ever but maybe that was part of the attraction after all . She was all of that too . The day Funny Kay granted an interview and alluded that they had been intimate , she had not been offended . She had felt nothing , just amusement that he was always going to be stupid . Felicia who had been in her house when she opened the link to the interview had been annoyed . She suggested Rosie should make a press release . " You are a big woman now , Rosie . I know you still want to be a senator and by God 's grace a deputy governor in the nearest future . You can 't allow that idiot to drag your name in the mud . You must do a press release . " " Rosie , I don 't think you understand my point . " Felicia insisted . " See tomorrow , one person somewhere that is your political opponent will use this kind of information against you . " " Forget it Felicia . That is not even a problem . How many politicians have been affected by their dirty past in Nigeria ? In this country that even an ex convict can get a political appointment . Leave matter for Matthias jare . Besides , any woman dey wey no be prostitute ? Don 't we all sleep with men in exchange for something ? At least I Felicia was lost in reverie for what seemed like forever . Rosie would be fine , she was sure of that . Her friend was a fighter , a go getter . We are the beans my father , mother , my sisters , all of us the villagers - the ones who work hard tilling the land and fishing to earn our living . Those people - the bombers are the weevil amongst us , the people with long flowing robes which appear wider than anyone else 's perhaps to conceal all sorts of weapons . They are the weevils that live among us . The ones who have bore holes into us and shield themselves with us . The other people ; the ones the government gave authority to get rid of the weevils . They believe the Beans and the weevil have been so mixed that it is better for them to destroy the beans so that the weevils get destroyed with it . Things weren 't always like this . There was a time we had peace , when all we did was pray , eat , sleep and procreate . We would all gather in the evenings , the women on mats spread in the compound . The men under the large tree which almost every compound had , some smoking Rothmans , others chewing Kola nuts . Everything started changing or at least I started noticing the change the day Uncle came for a three day visit . Uncle was my father 's brother , he lived in Abuja ; the place where Mama said they had houses that were as tall as mountains and lights with all the colours of a rainbow . She said it was a beautiful place that also had an ugly part . She told me uncle lived in the ugly part . I had asked why and she had said uncle was poor that the government didn 't pay him well enough so he had to live in the filthy part of Abuja . I had asked Mama why Uncle didn 't move to the village instead of living in a filthy place and she had told me to ask uncle myself when I see him . The day uncle came , it was in the morning . He brought a newspaper like he usually did and after he had greeted every one in the house . I went to meet him in Father 's sitting room . It was a ritual ; anytime uncle came around he would bring a newspaper with him . I would sit and watch as he read waiting for him to say something about what he was reading . He would watch me come in but he won 't say a word until he was through with the paper . That was something I admired about uncle that he could speak English fluently . He went to school ; father said that is the problem . But I don 't think it 's a problem , I want to go to school too , I want to be like Ruqqayatu and be a minister of education . When I get there I will make sure every parent sends their children to school . Corper Kalu the village teacher said I was the most brilliant and that my future is bright . I believe him and I want to realize my dreams . Mama believes that too but papa thinks I should just marry Maliq and settle down to be a good wife . I wondered what it was that was so exciting in the paper but I couldn 't talk yet not until he put down the paper . " Shettima , I know you are a bright girl , listen to what I read here . " He said removing his huge glasses and placing it on his laps . Later that evening I told Maliq about what Uncle read in the paper and his comments on it but he said I should him pay no heed that America is the great Satan . " Where did you hear that ? " I asked suddenly suspicious . " That 's what Akeem said . " " I thought we agreed that we would not act like villagers , that you would respect me . We agreed that I will be your only wife , we would never fight , you would be a senator , and I would be a minister . But you are changing now Maliq . It 's just one week that we didn 't see each other and you have changed this much . " I added giving him a disbelieving look . " Maliq , when did you start talking like this ? Akeem wears a big flowing gown . Have you joined those people and what 's that you have been hiding behind your back ? " The government people came two days later , it was the morning Uncle was supposed to leave . Mama and I had woken up early to smoke the fish we would take to the market in the afternoon . She had just told me she was with child and I had jumped up in excitement . I looked at her dark face and wondered how excited she must be . She had been unable to conceive after she had me so I knew this must be great for her . Father 's other wives had numerous children ; Mama was the only one with one child . We ran towards the house , suddenly there were people everywhere all running in different directions , screaming on top of their voices . The gun shots kept sounding louder and louder . We ran inside Mama 's room and I lay down on the floor telling Mama to do the same . Corper Kalu had told us that lying flat on the floor was the right thing to do when there is a shooting going on . I didn 't want Mama to lie on her stomach because of the baby so I told her to lie on her back . The sounds of the gun shots were so loud that we had to shout to hear each other . I kept saying Amen even as a thought came to my mind that perhaps Nigeria wanted to be great like America and catch the bombers amongst us . Another thought followed it immediately telling me that that couldn 't be it . We continued to hear wails , gun shots and cries outside . There were sounds of running feet and I could also hear the sound of people falling to the ground . I wished I could go to the window and see what was happening but I was too afraid to stand up . " Allah , protect Shetti , protect me . " Mama was screaming now . " Mama , there will be no problem . I 'm sure they came for the men in wide robes . They won 't touch us Mama . We are innocent . " " Shetti can you smell smoke . Houses are being burnt " she exclaimed . " We need to get out Shettima " she shouted above the thundering sounds of the guns . She tried standing up but I held her firmly . " Let 's just say AYATUL KURSI a prayer of protection . " I said clutching her palms in mine . The sound was like nothing I had heard before . I had been in the state capital once during a fight between the government people and the wide robed people and the guns hadn 't been this loud . I suddenly wished it was all a dream and hoped someone would wake me up . We started to say the prayers clenching each other 's hands . We were still praying when we heard shouts in the third room to ours ; the one where father 's second wife lived . We heard screams and gunshots and I felt a wetness run between my legs . I opened my mouth to continue praying but I couldn 't . I was shivering all over from fear , my throat was dry and no word could come out . It dawned on me , we were going to die . Everyone in my father 's household . Mama stopped praying and wiping her eyes , she said " Shetti stand up , we are leaving . I would rather die trying to escape than wait to be burnt inside the house . The whole village is on fire , it would soon get to us . That was Bisiriyu 's voice I heard just now , I fear she is no more . " I had no wish to argue with her any longer . It seemed certain that we will die and it might be good to die trying to escape . We both stood up , walked quietly to the back door that led to the bush behind the house and started running towards the bush . I couldn 't look around as we ran but I could see smoke and bodies everywhere . The village is gone I thought . Mama and I ran blindly without a care in the world , our goal was the bush , safety . - - Some people came yesterday to help us . They brought drugs but they didn 't bring food . We have drugs but we are hungry . The drugs can only help a few as most of us need more than drugs . They said the government will bring help for us soon . I don 't believe that , I have no faith in them . Was it not the government that brought us into this situation I asked Hajia Turai who lay beside me . She didn 't reply me , she merely nodded . The people who came had turned the village school into a clinic and had brought flat beds which the wounded were placed on . There is no one I know here , Mama is gone ; I haven 't seen Maliq , my father , uncle or any of my father 's wives or children . They are probably dead or even somewhere around but I can 't walk around to find them . The people say they have no relationship with the government , that they are just a society who likes to help . We are grateful . The doctor came to the bed where Hajia Turai and I lay and looked at my bad leg . I asked her if they will cut it , she says I should not think about that yet . But I am thinking about everything , how just yesterday I had a mother and an unborn sister or brother . I 'm still crying . " Will I still be a minister ? " I asked Hajia Turai after the doctor left " Okay . " I replied turning away from her . " Now it 's clear why uncle wanted to go to America . " I thought my vision clouded with tears . This is a work of fiction . Names , characters , places and incidents either are products of the author 's imagination or are used fictitiously . Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons , living or dead , is entirely coincidental . Most don 't know anything . Saw some of them on ward rounds while I was in the hospital recently . Zero knowledge . twitter . com / femiTRIPP / stat … 6 months ago @ sagaysagay oya na branch and see me . My baby 's christening party is this Saturday . Yes , I have a second baby now . 6 months ago Blog at WordPress . com . • Moskeda LoungeRelax , Read , Chat and Maybe even ToastOne Word Moreone word at a timetheinkheartblogletting the ink tell the tales conceived in my mind . . . . . . . . . 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There are lots of examples of this , and I 've been mulling over in my head as to whether I was going to list some to make the point , but I think you get it . Football is a repetitive business . By definition a league season is 46 games , many of which are not significant at all , and many that are significant for something that happens during the game that couldn 't have been forecast in advance . An obvious example of that , for me anyway , was the Boxing Day fixture against Swindon where we came back from 2 - 1 down to snatch a late draw with nine men . The game was on Boxing Day , which is a tradition that I love , but that aside I would never have considered it a ' big ' or significant game before hand , but it turned out to be . Sure I 'd like to be the team to take their unbeaten record , I 'd like to be the team that pushes them into third place with their first defeat in eleven months , but the truth is that I just want to win this high profile game . I 've literally just been listening to The Football Ramble podcast and they discussed the recent breaking of the 42 game record held by Nottingham Forest and they made the point that we much be doing well to be five points above them . They also poked fun at the play - off final defeat . With Jackson injured we are going to miss a major presence both in terms of his talent and his captaincy . I think it is not a coincidence that we fell apart last season when he was missing . To be fair we have better players in the squad this season , but it will be a set back for sure , and not only tonight . However , I think that Ephraim is a real player , and the adrenalin tonight will probably make up for his absence to some degree . I am tempted to say that I would take a draw tonight as it keeps us five points above the team in third ( our real goal ) but for tonight I just want to win the game . Sure there 's three points at stake , but it 's a chance for us to beat the team that everyone is talking about and send out a message about our intentions . It 'll also be a cracking night out for the Charlton fans . I thought we 'd stumble over the line with a 1 - 0 win at home to Carlisle last Saturday , and despite the fact they they made some defence howlers we still ran out 4 - 0 winners , and were 3 - 0 in front when they went down to ten men at the end of the first half . The icing on the cake was the saved penalty . In fact just about everything went our way . This was important , of course , as we had failed to win any of the three previous matches , and even lost to the team on a run of four straight defeats the week before . I accept that there will be blips , and as I said above just because we would expect to beat Stevenage , doesn 't automatically mean we will do so . However , the real test is what happens after a defeat , and I think we have answered all the questions that were surfacing , including some of my own . So on the Hartlepool ? Well they started the league campaign with four straight draws ( MK Dons , Walsall , Huddersfield and Stevenage ) , before going on a run of five wins all be it against the less glamorous sides ( Rochdale , Exeter , Carlisle , Bury and Bournemouth ) then followed that up with three defeats ( Sheff Wed , Notts County and Wycombe ) they then beat Chesterfield , away , last Saturday before losing at home to Tranmere in the week . So they face us with one win in five ( with four defeats ) , having lost their last three home games . However , I believe that we are no longer that sort of side . I think the players that we have wearing the shirt this season are better than that . I was never sure if it was complacency or the inability to break down teams that defended in numbers , but I do believe that Stevenage was a blip and I think we will collect three points tomorrow . I 'm going for a 1 - 0 win tomorrow . I still think there will be games when we need to grind out a win by breaking down a tough side and keeping a clean sheet . I think tomorrow will be one of those . Elsewhere I was buoyed this week , despite the unpopularity of my pleasure , by Sky TVs decision to move our game with Huddersfield from Saturday 26th November to Monday 28th November . I have always been committed to attend every game , and I have missed all sorts of family occasions in the process . I have sent my wife to weddings on her own , and have passed on all sorts of social occasions in order to keep my 100 % attendance on a season by season basis . However on the 26th of November I am , for the first time and I hope the last , attending a posthumous graduation ceremony for my late brother - in - law . Some of you will remember that he died in a car accident in 2008 . It would seem that all universities have a scheme to extrapolate results up to date ( there was a small celebration in the summer of 2008 when his first year results were released ) but we were unaware of this tradition until until a few months ago when Nottingham University contacted my in - laws to invite them ( and my wife and I ) to attend the ceremony . Following on from our win at Sheffield United we had 27 points from eleven games . We were five points in front of MK Dons who we 'd drawn away to and eight points ahead of Hartlepool who were in seventh . With eleven and a half games a quarter of the season this was looking good . Interestingly , after eleven games in 2009 we has 24 points and Leeds who were top had 27 . After 13 games in 2009 we had 28 points , exactly what we have now with the same number of games played . Last season we had 16 points after eleven games and 19 after thirteen games . So , on the whole it was a good start to the season . It was significantly better than I had dared hope for back in June . The board have given Powell plenty of resources and on the whole the team have repaid him with good results . We haven 't always been totally convincing , Huddersfield are the only team that seem to have done that , but I 'd take second place right now , and would have done at any point if it 'd been offered to me . However , after the Sheff Utd win , and the celebrations on the pitch and the pats on the back all round that Powell gave out we seem to have lost our way a little . The odd result going against you is perfectly understandable , and to some degree acceptable . The defeat in the JPT was ok . I would have liked to have gone to Wembley , but in the grand scheme of things it didn 't really mater that much . Losing 3 - 0 at home to a team from the same division was a little bit harder to swallow , but again , it was only the JPT , and despite Brentford doing the same we did only play half of our first team . Tranmere at home was a little less impressive . Tranmere came to us with three defeats , one win and a draw in five , so we should really have been able to pick up a win at home . There were changes , bringing in Green and Kermorgant which seemed like a reasonable move based on their contributions from the bench at both MK Dons and Sheff Utd , but it just didn 't work . Tranmere defended to highly and we failed to get a passing game going and immediately seemed to lump it up the park to the tall Frenchman . This failed miserably . Sure , we managed to steal a draw , and could have even snatched it at the end , but to be truthful , without the Penalty we could well have lost that game . Then we went to Stevenage , who were on a run of four defeats . What we needed was to to keep it tight and score first and then they would have been forced to come out and attack , leaving us chances to increase our lead . We managed to concede an early goal and then they did exactly what you 'd expect from a team playing in a game they expected to lose . No disrespect to them , but I 'd be amazed if we finish less than ten points above them , and they would probably have been happy with a draw . So one draw and two defeats in three . having said that we are still forth in the form tables ( last six games ) and we are still top of the form table for the last six away games . Six games that include trips to the teams that are 4th and 8th . I 'm still happy with our current progress , and the initial bedding in period for the team to ' gel ' doesn 't seem to have cost us many points . I think it might be time to reinstate Wagstaff and Hayes . I think it was a little unfair on them to be dropped , despite the replacements having great impacts from the bench . Maybe that is where they need to utilised . Green has demonstrated great crossing ability , and I have been willing him to succeed as I do love a ' proper ' winger that gets to the line and crosses the ball , but he has , frankly , failed to deliver . I 'm not saying that he won 't have a big part to play this season , but for now I think Wagstaff should be given the nod . I also think BWP looks a better player with Hayes , and we seem to play a more passing game with him in the side . Of course , it could just be that other teams have worked out how to play us now . I always find it worrying when we can 't seem to break down the rough , tough huff and puff sides . If you fail to beat them then it encourages more sided to employ those tactics , and they spoil the game in my opinion . This is a real test of Powell and his new side . We need to send out a message tomorrow both to our fans and to the rest of the teams in this division . We need to demonstrate that when we are knocked down we get straight back up . Basically we need win and never look like doing anything else . We need to pass the ball around the pitch . We need to be first to the loose balls and we need to be firm in the tackle . We need to make it clear that we cannot and we will not be bullied into submission . The fans need to play their part too . We need to make The Valley less of a fun day out for the opposition . our away form has been fantastic this season , but we have only won half of the games we 've played at home . We need to make The Valley a fortress , starting tomorrow . I am confident of a win . I don 't , actually , think I 'll see all those things I listed above , and at the end of the day I 'll take a win - any win . I 'm going for a 1 - 0 win . Keep it tight at the back and nick a goal . IT won 't exactly send out the shock waves I 'd like but it will confirm that we have got back up again . And it will , of course , keep us at the top of the table . Since I last got off my backside and wrote something on here there has been a lot to talk about . We have settled ( I think and hope ) into am established level of performance and results . Two years ago we were a little unknown in this division and , to most of us , the division was a little unknown too . Now I am much more confident of what the division has to offer and , indeed , how able we are to cope with it . Parkinson 's first season for us in the third division it took a few months for the other sides to know how to cope / deal with us . Shelvey was outstanding , yet underrated . his form dipped a little and the results dried up . There were a few outstanding players ( at this level ) in our squad that season , but our midfield was our real ( and probably only ) strength . Certainly once Youga disappeared with injury , and Richardson started falling in and out of the side ( also due to injury ) we were never the same . We managed some notable performances and results against the top sides , but the autumn start was never recaptured and proved to be a false dawn . This season we look like a side , with a little cover in key areas , that is winning the games that it deserves to . This is always a good sign . It 's ok , and sometimes more enjoyable , to win games against the run of play , but results without performances , like luck , run out in the end . I 've always said that I 'd rather have a lucky manager ( and goalkeeper , for that manager ) but if you have the choice it is better to have a good one . All this leads me on nicely to our recent results and , more importantly this Saturday 's clash . I don 't want to take anything away from the squad , but the results haven 't impressed me massively so far . Don 't get me wrong I am more than happy with where we are , and the performances have been great - especially coming from behind at Bury and losing a two goal lead but still winning at Rochdale , but I believe that the squad is good enough to expect these results . With this in mind I fully expect ( and I mean predict not demand ) a comfortable win on Saturday . Sure Chesterfield have had a few decent results in the last couple of weeks , but I fully expect us to be too good for them . I also think that the new squad will be lifted by the atmosphere at The Valley on Saturday , rather than be in fear of it , which is what seemed to happen last time . Paul Hayes had a bit of a stinker . To be fair to him he has admitted as much on his Twitter . In the first couple of games he has looked a real asset . His running and his ball hold up play have been impressive . He can also pick out a pass and will , no doubt , prove to be worth his place in the side , but he missed a chance on Saturday , despite keeping the ball down and hitting the target , he should really have done better . His biggest fumble , however , was when he was clear away and dribbled the ball rather than kicking it and chasing it and the defender took the ball off his toes before he could get a shot off . He is clearly not an out and out striker , but to be fair we knew that when we signed him . I also felt the midfield looked tired on Saturday . It 's ok keeping a winning side , but when the games come a bit thick and fast it might be better to rest the odd players rather than have them tire out . Towards the end on Saturday we seemed to have conceded the midfield completely . Despite my lack of enthusiasm in giving Parkinson the job he did manage to secure wins and pick up points by grinding out results . This was unattractive and never seemed convincing , but it did seem to work . This season it is different . To be fair Powell has been given the chance to build the squad he wanted , something that Parkinson never had . The change is staggering . We were well worth our win on Tuesday , and we were well worth our win against Bournemouth . I can 't remember the last time I saw us win two games back to back and deserve to win them both . Seriously , I really can 't remember ! Two seasons ago we won six straight at the start of the season , but that included four that I went to ( the home games and Orient away ) and of those four we were only convincing in the first half agaist Wycombe and we managed to concede two goals after being three in front to make for a tense ending to the game . Thus we are looking better , relative to the opposition , than we did two years ago . That is the most pleasing aspect of the start we are watching - we actually look like we are better than the opposition . Anyway , last season I , again , thought I would wing it with my previews and not bother going to all that much trouble to familiarise myself with the teams we would be meeting each week . This year , however , I intend to make more of an effort . I 've decided to take a leaf out of Chicago Addick 's book and look into the opposition a little more . Clearly this is going to much easier once the table takes shape and the teams new squads settle in and the stars of the season become more identifiable . Anyway Notts County ? Thankfully teams normally struggle four days after extra time and penalties , and with Lee Hughes having scored two of their goals this season they might need to play a slightly different game if he is not going to play . At 35 it would be a lot to ask for him to play three games in eight days , and after his performance against us last season at The Valley I 'm more than happy for them to rest him . Strangely the BBC season preview ( which is admittedly short ) suggests that County have a shortage of goals , hence their interest in Paul Benson . They have now had three bids turned down for Showunmi by Tranmere . Even the player is suggesting that he is happy to stay now . This does suggest that Allen thinks / knows his squad needs more fire power . With that in mind , I 'm tempted to suggest that a Hughes free line up should be there for the taking . We have shown that we can score goals with a three goal margin for the first time since Powell took charge . In fact a 4 - 0 win at Tranmere ( August 2009 ) a 5 - 1 win against MK Dons ( 14 / 11 / 09 ) and the 5 - 1 win at Peterborough ( 13 / 11 / 10 ) we haven 't managed a three goal margin since Chris Powell scored himself in a 4 - 1 win over Coventry in May 2008 . Clearly we will not win every game by three goals , nor will we score three goals most weeks , but we do seem to have much more fire power this season . I would like to think that Wright - Phillips , Hayes , Benson , Jackson , Stephens , Green and Wagstaff are all in with a shout of getting ten goals this season . That does mean that marking our threats out of the game is going to be a little more difficult this season . Lloyd Sam and Kyle Reid both suffered with double marking at times , but who would you double mark with Green on one flank , Jackson on the other and Stephens in the middle ? I also think we will increase those options with a loan player or two in due course . As for the team I , personally , would prefer to see Green get a game . I know Wagstaff has done nothing wrong , but it is a long season , the games are coming think and fast right now and it makes sense to play your best side when ever you can . I expect both Wagstaff and Green to be playing 30 games plus this season ( particularly if you include substitutions ) and for that reason I 'd like to blood him this weekend and bring Wagstaff on for the last twenty minutes or so when their legs are tiring and when his pace can really punish them . Other than that I 'd not change anything else . Maybe we will see Alonso on the bench , as I 'm not sure he is not going to be a star for us this season . Danny Hollands looked the real deal on Saturday , but on the basis that we are going to need cover , one of them will be first choice , and for me the jury is still out on that . It 's no secret that we , at Charlton , love a crunching tackler , maybe even more than a flair winger . So , I 'm going to go for a 4 - 0 win . I know that sounds silly , but I had a feeling we would win 3 - 0 last Saturday but went for a 2 - 1 to be a little less arrogant , and to save me having egg on my face . To be fair even at 4 - 1 we will have the second of our nine three goal margin wins . The end of last season was very demoralising in terms of Charlton , and I had always intended to have the summer off to recuperate . However , on Sunday 22 June one of my best friends was killed in a road traffic accident . That in itself put things into perspective - it was a week over two years after my wife 's brother was killed in a car accident , and this does make one see things differently . Following the death of my friend I spent a lot of time helping his wife with his business . I should explain . We were both in the same industry , and were each other 's locum - an agreement that we made never expecting to have to call upon it . This has taken a lot of my time , and combined with my son being home from school since the start of July I have had my hands full , and blogging hasn 't been much of a priority . Anyway , today I thought I should make a decision about the blog , and either get my back side into gear and write something - maybe less than I normally end up writing - so that I can justify calling myself a blogger , or officially give up . The latter was never a realistic option . I love being able to describe myself as the writer of a blog . Even if the blog is rubbish , and most people that I tell about it never bother to read it , it doesn 't matter . It has also helped me to make new friends , and enables me to believe that I am part of a small community of bloggers , and I really like that . The squad that Powell has assembled is so , so exciting . I have often played football manager games and I have always looked to sign young players that will develop . Clearly computer ( and latterly PS3 ) games are a little predictable . All young players will develop and have their skill level and ' score ' go up each season . Clearly in the real world this is not guaranteed , and there is a massive gulf between how a computer program assess a player 's abilities and what happens in real life . With this in mind I used my normal logic and went and got excited because we are signing players that are young with massive potential . I went to Woking to see our second team play in July , and I went to the home friendly where we won the ' People 's Cup ' . I was very impressed with what I saw . There are few in the reserves that are going to make a significant impact on the first team in my view , but I am bursting with excitement at Dale Stephens ( who did play at Woking ) Danny Green , Paul Hayes , Michael Morrison , Matthew Taylor and Danny Hollands . I am excited , even though I 've not seen them play , with Mikel Alonso , Ruben Bover , Cedric Evina and Andy Hughes . This on the basis that I was already excited about getting to see Johnnie Jackson and Bradley Wright - Phillips next season . I am impressed with the signings of Sullivan and Hamer , even though I know little about the latter . I should also point out that I am more than happy with Paul Benson ( assuming he can manage less red cards this season ) , Chris Solly and Scott Wagstaff . I am disappointed that we have been unable to secure a long term contract with Rob Elliot as it is a rare thing for a real fan to play for your club , and not only do I think he is a good ' Keeper , but I like having him in the side . My only worry with Rob is that he seems to miss more games with injury than would be ideal , but it would still have been my preference to keep him . Having said that if he can secure himself a better future elsewhere then good luck to him , and I really mean that . I was pleased that Scott Wagstaff signed a contract extension , he is not finished developing yet , but I would much rather have him stay at Charlton while he achieves his potential than have him do so elsewhere . Johnnie Jackson , however , was a real worry to me . We looked like a different side last season when he moved forward from left back to play on the left of the midfield , and we clearly missed him in the run in . With just a year left on his contract I feared he would move on , but his contract extension ( especially as it was a further two years ) was , for me , the best signing of the summer ( well , maybe level with Dale Stephens ) . I am more than happy for him to be named Captain , and his extravagant celebration with the People 's Cup was exactly what I would have liked to have seen . So , on the whole I am very happy with the changes . Without going into any details , I 'm also not disappointed about any of the departures . Last summer it was clear that losing Lloyd Sam , Dion Burton , Jonjo Shelvey , Sam Sodje and Nicky Bailey was going to make us much weaker . This summer I think only Semedo would have been a close call for me . With his wages he was probably going to be difficult to keep , and I understand those that think he and Racon were more the problem than the solution , but I think we need to wait to see how we perform against those teams that are chasing promotion this season before we can say , categorically , that we don 't need a midfield enforcer in the side . Either way , he is the only one that I would have kept , and it doesn 't matter now anyway . With Racon going to Millwall I now feel obliged to hate him . It is so easy , now , to think of him as a player that cost us £ 440k ( although that might have been Euros ) to sign and £ 1 . 248m in wages during four years when we finished 11th in the second division ( when he was out on loan a lot ) , bottom of the second division , 4th in the third division and 13th in the third division . If this wasn 't enough , He gave more effort in the last ten games than he gave in the other three and three quarter seasons when his contract was coming to an end . I should briefly discuss the Bournemouth result . I predicted a 2 - 1 win , but I did have a feeling that it could be 3 - 0 . We need to secure some decent results in the first ten games or so , and then we can really judge the squad , and it should be in it 's stride . With the signings coming so early in the summer we are likely to be in front of where we were last season when we were still waiting for the team to gel after a dozen games . The win was , for this reason , more important than the performance . However , we played well , played the type of football that we all want to see , and the new boys looked good . Not to mention Scott Wagstaff scoring a cracking goal . Something tells me that we will not have three midfielders having scored more goals than Wright - Phillips for too much longer , but right now I 'm more than happy with the situation . I know that Bournemouth have had their squad raided , and I expect they will probably end up struggling this season , so a win was really necessary bearing in mind our aspirations , but a 3 - 0 home win is a great way to start the season . I 'm not going to discuss the riots in London , as this is not the place , and I suspect that my Dad is the only one still reading now , but it was a real disappointment to have our game with Reading cancelled last night . It would have given us a chance to test ourselves against a team that would , despite the changes to both sides , have given us a better indication as to how good the squad looks . As a consequence , however , we are now planning to travel to Colchester next week , the venue of a terrible defeat two years ago . I am confident that we will do better this time , all be it that we would struggle to fare worse . My last note concerns the signing of Jason Euell today . I 'm more than happy with this . He came on at Woking and looked like he had something to offer . I think it is easy to forget just how much better than us the Premier League teams are these days , and Jason played in that division last season , and he also had some games in the Championship . Many players play at the top level at 34 , and bearing in mind we don 't expect him to play 40 games this season I think his addition will be a real positive , and I can 't wait to see him play for us at The Valley again . In July 2006 Mrs KHA and I took a long weekend trip to Valencia . I told her that there was a lovely beach right on the doorstop of a reasonably priced 5 star hotel that had excellent reviews on expedia and I promised lots of wine and Paella . I had only had my business up and running for six months and I thought I could spare a Friday and a Monday away . Imagine my surprise and excitement when we arrived there only to discover that Charlton were playing a friendly at the Estadio Mestalla against the Mighty Valencia ! Well I was , I thought , looking genuinely delighted . " Imagine the odds of that happening without us knowing ? " She didn 't even say anything , I just got that look . Those of you that are married will know the look , and those of you that aren 't are better off for not knowing it . Anyway with my punishment negotiated ( in Euros to be spent on presents for Mrs KHA at the earliest opportunity ) we made our way to the game . It was a night to remember . It was the first time I 'd seem Charlton play abroad ; it was the first time I 'd been to a game that finished the day after it started ( they kicked off at about eleven o ' clock in the evening ) ; and they made a huge fuss over their players as they were introduced to the fans - not something we do at Charlton . The results were more than acceptable . Beating Bristol City was impressive , and a narrow defeat from a team that went close to promotion for the last two seasons was hardly embarrassing either . It sounds , from the match reports , that we are look to have made some very good acquisitions this summer . It all bodes well for the coming season . I 'm conscious that we shouldn 't get carried away , but if you can 't be excited at the start of a season , when can you ? As for players I think we still need another centre half or two , and might need another right back , even if Francis stays , which I hope he doesn 't . I was very excited to read that neither Simon Francis nor Alan McCormack travelled to Spain because they were agreeing personal terms to leave . I have nothing against the two players personally , all be it I think McCormack was a little irresponsible with his tweets when we lost to Swindon , but I just don 't think either of them are good enough for where we want to be . I expect , also , that with the current economic climate in football they are going to have to take pay cuts , and will quite possibly never reach this level of wages again . I could be wrong , but as McCormack was signed on a free and Francis was signed for a ' nominal ' fee they will both have signed good contracts . With this in mind I can 't , really , be angry with them for not going . Disappointed ? Yes , but not angry . Hopefully they will find clubs to move to . McCormack is being reported as being unwilling to drop a division , and that might make it more difficult , but sooner or later they will probably be shipped off on loan to get them out of the building and reduce the total we have to pay them . In Francis ' case I think a fee is a realistic aspiration for the club , but I guess he must know that if he waits long enough he will be able to leave for free ( even if he has to wait 12 months ) and that might just appeal to him , as he is likely to get more choice of destination and , presumably , more money . I would suggest that we can probably turn our attentions to central defenders now . Tomorrow , or maybe Friday , we are going to see confirmation of those that are not being kept from this season . We know that Racon will not be here next season , but even if we 'd not already signed Hollands , Alonso and Stephens I would have been happy to have him leave . I think he has looked the real deal on occasion , but it is entirely too infrequent and the number of times he has gone missing have made me lose confidence in him . I would be neither surprised , not disappointed if he suffers another relegation next season with Millwall . Semedo is probably the only other player from last season ( who is out of contract ) that I would be all that bothered about keeping . I liked Llera , but I think he is a little limited for the aspirations we have . Dailly has looked a little too old to go again , which to be fair is no insult as he is 37 . I liked Kelly Youga , and even though I don 't really have a problem with him signing a good contract when he was offered it , or being injured , I just don 't think he can be trusted to play enough games to be offered anything like he was on and I suspect he will move on . Of the others the only one that really creates much debate is Kyle Reid and I think he has had plenty of opportunity to demonstrate that he has then complete package to be a success at Charlton , and I am really talking about attitude there I think . I know it 's unfair as I don 't really know him , but I can 't quite get the feeling out of my head that he thinks he is too good for us , and we have never had success with players that believed that . If Paulo Di Canio can fight for a place at Charlton I can 't see why Kyle Reid shouldn 't . I know we are in a lower division , but our success has always come from hard work and determination . Racon and Semedo had acceptable seasons , well Semedo did , all be it that if we want to be winning this division there is some argument as to the need for a defensive midfielder . Racon looked better on the left and I am concerned that this coincided with his contract coming to an end . There are some players that only seem to bust a gut when they are looking for a new deal , and at times Racon reminded me of that . Over all I think his contribution has been less than we could have expected from him . I mention these two players together as I suspect that both of them will be able to fine higher salaries elsewhere . This leaves the rest . I haven 't been all that impressed with any of the rest to be honest . Chris Solly has been ok , all be it that I think I ( like many others ) cut him more slack as he came through our youth side , but he suffers in my estimation due to the length of time that he is unavailable due to injury . A similar issue exists with Rob Elliot and Joe Anyinsah . Kelly Youga hasn 't played all year , and Christian Dailly has been sent off three times earning himself twelve games suspended , and also had a lengthy spell out with a broken face . There are a number of players that were so disappointing that they deserve a special mention . I 'm not normally keen on singling out individuals , but as I 'm here discussing the squad I 'd probably include Kyle Reid , Alan McCormack , Simon Francis and Gary Doherty in that list . Reid has looked like he believes he is too good for us and at times and his comments on Twitter haven 't helped him . I believe he lacks a real end product , he is skillful , but he often seems to run into dead ends or end up shooting from distance . This is a good way to score great goals , but also loses possession too often . Doherty is a good pro , and had he not come with such a great reputation he might not have been on this list , but I just expected so much more from him in terms of commanding the back four . The two Southend players are just too limited in my view . Francis can look really good going forward , sometimes , but his lapses of concentration at the back make him a weakness that we should be looking to eradicate . McCormack did himself no favours bragging about his expensive night out when he , and the team , performed so badly . I have some sympathy with him , and I agree with those that say that if you want the players to share their personal lives with us fans then we need to accept that very rich young men are going to enjoy , and take for granted , things the average fan cannot . I find that a bad game can affect me much more than a bad day at the office , so why should he be any different . However , that said , I just don 't think he is good enough for Charlton . Despite the fact that we have fallen from grace so dramatically in the last five years , I cannot accept that we can ever be bad enough that we need to fill our squad with players with so little to offer . I don 't doubt their effort ( maybe Reid 's attitude ) but those players have just not been good enough this season . The signings made last summer , some of which I 've already talked about , were made with little or no money to spend . I believe that the current financial climate , coupled with the division we are in , means that free agents can be good enough to be successful for us . We just need to be looking to attract the right kind of players , and this will , ultimately , be down to how much money we have to play with . With just under four weeks until I need to make a decision about renewing my season ticket or risking losing my seat I 'm still erring on the side of paying on a match by match basis as I 'm not convinced that on the whole there is going to be enough to make me want to give up my Saturdays . This is a combination of the general malaise that I feel following five seasons of free fall , the commitment of time now that I have more pressures , and family obligations and the fact that I 'm not sure that I will enjoy watching us play next season enough to want to go to 20 plus home games . Also by going to fewer home games I will have more time and money to go to away games , and I have always wanted to see new grounds . It could be argued that we were not much better at home than away last season , so you are not necessarily likely to enjoy the games any more at home either . This is especially true if you factor in that you are generally happier with a draw away than you are at home . There is still plenty of time for the new signings to inspire me , but as it stands I may well be starting my first season without a season ticket for 22 years . What is most frightening about that is that the thought of it doesn 't feel wrong . If you 'd asked me five years ago what are the chances of me deciding not to renew I would have just laughed at you . I have to say I 'm not really surprised by this result . I was incredibly pleased with the performance against Southampton , and the result there and at Bournemouth . Both of those two results were a bonus as far as I 'm concerned . There has been some suggestion on Charlton Life that we played well yesterday and deserved to win . However , despite not wanting to sound hypocritical ( criticising wins when we play badly ) at this point we need a win to be sure of being in this division next season . I no longer care for good performances when we lose - especially as we have failed to put back to back performances together all season . I still think that we must be able to luck a win from somewhere , and with Walsall needing to make up ten points , Dagenham & Redbridge nine and Notts Co . eight we might well have enough points already . Walsall only have seven games left , which gives them a maximum 21 points . Even if we lose our next six games ( possible but not very likely ) I still think we will be safe if we draw at their place on 30th April . However I 'm beginning to think that a defeat there will take us into the last game of the season with something to play for . One bit of good news , however , is that I am going to Florida on Sunday for two weeks to see Mickey Mouse . Needless to say my six year old son is getting excited but nowhere as near as excited as I 'm getting . Work has been really good for the last twelve months , and I 'm encouraged both by that and the future outlook . My Son is doing well at school and it looks as though Mrs KHA is going to be getting a promotion this week ( fingers crossed ) . All in all everything in the Kings Hill Addick household is looking rosy - save for the rubbish football team , of course . When we get back we will have just four games left . By then it could be really interesting . It could be squeaky bum time , as Alex Fergusson likes to say . I have been to a few meetings over the years with club officials . I 've seen Richard Murray speak several times and went to the Slater / Powell meeting at The Valley earlier this year . These meetings are always interesting , and you often get an idea of the thoughts behind those running the club . I went along to Bromley Supporters Club last year to hear Parkinson speak and he was a revelation . He was very , very open and my view of him . both as a manager and a man , changed . People will moan that " no one will ask him a difficult question " or say after the event that " Why didn 't anyone ask blah , blah , blah . " Well come along and ask the question yourself . It 's only £ 5 and it 's only in Bromley . I 'm not sure how long the club keep information of season ticket holders . I know it was mentioned on Charlton Life some time ago that the club doesn 't know how long current season ticket holders have had their ticket - not seat as some have had them since we played at Selhurst Park , Upton Park and during various building schemes at The Valley . Thus , those of us that were season ticket holders at Selhurst Park were not differentiated against by those that bought s ST in the Premier League to turn up half a dozen times a season to watch the glamour games . Having said that most businesses are infinitely more interested in how much money than can extract from their customers in the future , opposed to how much they have gave in the past , so we can hardly be surprised or disappointed . Also , for obvious reasons , the more likely one is to renew the less effort should be expended to convince him to do so . In fact , the majority of the budget should be allocated to those that might not renew . Loyalty is a great thing , and shouldn 't really be taken for granted , but equally if you are ever going to take someone for granted it should be one of those that are most loyal , as you can trust them to be there what ever happens . I seriously doubt that these discussions have not gone on . It would be irresponsible of the Target 40 , 000 committee and their associates if they did not target those that the club are most likely to lose . I appreciate that it must be difficult to identify the specific groups , and it might be more expensive to market them in different ways , however , the price that will be charged in the summer , along with the ' threat ' of fans losing their seats is likely to be more pivotal for renewals for those that don 't do so in April . I believe there is a real possibility of those fans choosing to pay as they go . I 'm not suggesting that any of them will stop supporting Charlton , but all the time we have seen no visible signs of actual squad rebuilding , and quality being added at that , there is the temptation to believe that some of the midweek games ( especially in the winter ) and the run in if it is going to anything like this one present very missable games . If there are enough of these missable games , combined with the odd football for a fiver deal and one or two family occasions it might even work out cheaper - this is before you factor in the cost of paying for a whole year upfront . I have no real reason to assume that the club will not follow through on all the promises that have been made , all be it that they are vague enough to make it impossible to prove otherwise , even after the event , but I do know that if they intended to build a squad on the cheap they would have said exactly what they have done . Significant investment could be £ 10m on transfer fees ; it could just as easily be describing bridging the gap between income and expenditure for another year - which was estimated to be £ 4m this season . The difference in playing staff of those two is massive . I believe that last year many fans renewed in March as they believed that there was a very real possibility that they would lose their seat if they didn 't . The way that the club ensured that no one lost their seat as long as they renewed in June last year makes that threat seem a little toothless this time around . With promotion off the agenda now , a Championship priced ticket looks very unlikely now too . They are clearly very loyal fans . I have to say that I admire them . I used to think of myself as a loyal fan . During my three years at Kent University ( in Canterbury ) I didn 't miss one home game . I also attended every home game when I lived in Sheffield for a year - quite a financial commitment for a student . I have most of the replica shirts that have been available since the 1980s onwards and I have a program for just about every home game for well over 20 years . I have had a season ticket every year since 1989 , and I have been obsessed with Charlton since before then and am still now . However , I felt a little conned in 2008 when the club 's representatives pushed the free Premier League season ticket offer for the second year running only to sell several of the best players after the deadline had gone to balance the books . I felt mislead in the summer of 2009 when the ' Takeover ' was going to be completed in a week for months while season tickets were being sold . The , then , Chief Executive promised that the club would sack the manager and get us a new one if we bought enough season tickets - something that is now claimed to be a joke but wasn 't thought of as being one at the time . All the while the board were refusing to allow Parkinson to bring in players to make the side much more balanced as it was suggested that after the takeover we would have so much more money that we would be signing better players . Last summer the club did exactly what it said it was going to do . We sold everything that had a value and renewed none of the contracts of players on good money and allowed them to leave for free ( something that we couldn 't have stopped , to be fair ) . However there was this ' offer ' made of two divisions one price . The price for the next season would be held at the current price and you would be able to secure your seat ( opposed to losing it ) if you committed by the end of March . This season , like last , I am not going to renew early . I have my season ticket application pack , not that I think I 'll need it as I will purchase online if it is going to save me £ 5 , and I can 't see me being anywhere else than at The Valley on a Saturday afternoon when my Dad is not away . But , I feel as though my loyalty has been abused . I know some will claim that we have new owners and I should give them the benefit of the doubt , but I doubt that it is a coincidence that the club has many of the same employees and consultants strategising on Season Ticket sales , and the ' threats ' of what happens if you don 't renew early look the same as last year . For that reason I 'm going to wait until the summer . If the price is increased slightly , and / or the board make what I believe to be impressive investments in the playing staff I 'll renew then . If , however , they put the price up a lot and / or sell my current seat to someone else then I 'll not renew at all . Then those selling tickets will have to keep impressing me with the football each week to tempt me to come to the next game , something the club has failed miserably to do in at least three of the last five years . Since I started my love affair with Charlton , thirty years ago , I have been all the way through senior school , ' A ' - Level college , University , twice , had major open heart surgery , started two business , got married and become a Dad . During all that time Charlton has been the one constant in my life ( apart from my family ) , but I have a full life , and I now love other parts of it more than I love football . Can I take it or leave it ? No , I can 't . Can I cope with being a little lower on the ' Loyal Supporter ' ladder by not having a season ticket ? Yes I can . As we enter the the last eleven games of the season we have a much better idea of how likely the top two is , how likely the play offs are and how likely relegation is . Ignoring deviation ( which I know distorts the results ) the average number of points achieved by the team finishing 2nd in this division over the last five seasons in this 86 . 6th place had an average of 74 . 8 ( let 's call it 75 ) . The average number of points the fifth from bottom team achieved was 50 and two thirds ( 50 . 6 recurring - let 's call it 51 ) . We currently have 48 points with 33 to play for . That means that we must finish on between 48 and 81 points . Realistically that makes the automatic places beyond our reach . However in 2006 Colchester ( with a Mr Phil Parkinson in charge ) finished second with 79 points above Brentford in third with 76 points . Thus , potentially , we could have won automatic promotion with 77 points - a massive four points less than we still could achieve . That means that we could lost tomorrow night or draw tomorrow and at Bournemouth and still go up without the need for the playoffs . The 75 that I suspect we would need to make the playoffs would only require that we only win nine of our remaining eleven games . Certainly if we win them all 81 points would be enough ( the maximum a sixth placed team has achieved is 80 , and that was last season . I would also suggest that if we go into the playoffs on the back of an eleven game winning run we would have to be considered the ' form ' team and I would be confident of a successful conclusion . However , I am not all that confident , as things stand , that we are going to win our next eleven games , or nine of them for that mater . So we find ourselves looking down . First the good news , we are only one win away from having the magic 51 points that would be enough to keep a side up in four of the last five seasons . One win and a draw would be enough to keep us up in all of the last five seasons . The biggest worry for me is that we haven 't looked like winning a game since Parkinson left ( despite winning four that we had no right to ) In fact if you take those twelve points away , or even make them four ( i . e . four draws ) we have managed just 9 points since the 20th of November , fully 18 games . If you assume we 'd lost all four of those games ( and from what I saw we could easily have done so ) we have managed five points from 18 games . Scary stuff eh ? You can see why I 'm no longer looking at MK Dons remaining fixtures can 't you ? Our average points haul since 20th November is 0 . 94 per game . The good news , however , is that there are four teams with a worse average during that time than us . Sadly this doesn 't take into account the 12 points we won with pure luck . Take them away and we have the lowest return in the league for that four month period . Make no mistake I will not defect on a permanent basis , but I am really looking forward to seeing some decent football and not feeling embarrassed by the result . The truth is that of all the teams in the current third division Dagenham and Redbridge are probably the team that it would be most embarrassing to lose to . With us only drawing against them at home I can see this being a season to not remember between the two sides for all Chalton fans . Let 's ignore the fact that we beat them at home and really , really didn 't deserve to . Let 's ignore the fact that we beat them 5 - 1 last season when they were clearly better than the score line . Let 's ignore the fact that we 've beaten them five times in the last two seasons ( this and last ) . Let 's look at the implications of this result , and the importance of the game on our season . Actually , let 's not . Parkinson might have put this team together and that might be a disadvantage to Chris Powell , but there is no getting away from it , we have performed well below Parkinson 's teams since he left . I know there is an argument that not beating a ten man Brighton and Colchester were not exactly great achievements , but to be fair Colchester were on a bit of a run when we played them ( 4 wins and a draw in 7 ) , and Brighton have been a little bit good all season . Sure the Walsall and Swindon games were poor , but they were no worse than Exeter , Carlisle or Tranmere . This season Parkinson managed to average 1 . 54 points per game , Powell , with Eccleston and BWP has averaged 1 . 3 points per game . I know it 's early days for Powell , but out of interest last season MK Dons averaged 1 . 3 points over the season and finished 12th . Also it needs to be mentioned that Powell 's ten games have come against teams that were in an average position of 13th when we played them . We won four games and were , shall we say , a little fortunate , then we lost five and drew one out of six . What this tells me is that we have not improved . We have actually gone backwards . We have released the two strikers that we had that could be used as target men and brought in two that clearly cannot . We have now committed to playing a different style of game from long ball ( something we have done for over a year - including in most of Powell 's games ) . We just do not have the players for the pretty passing on the floor - not if we want to see any forward passes . I know it 's early to be jumping to conclusions ( and believe me I really want to be proved wrong ) but it looks like Chris Powell is out of his depth . His substitutions on Saturday were too ineffective - mainly because they were way too late , and the way the team is being sent out to play is just not suited to the type of players we have . I know he 's new , but surely he has seen these players in training and watched a few videos of our games . How long does Powell have to be given to turn things around ? I don 't know . The truth is that , unlike an experienced manager with a long term track record , there is no evidence that Powell will turn it around . I know you can never tell and some managers are good at some places , and rubbish at others , but if Chris Powell is never going to make it as a football manager then the longer we leave him in his post the worse off we are likely to be . The worst thing is that we are most likely too far away from 6th place now to make the playoffs a realistic target , but if the performances continue as they are we might be pulled into a relegation battle . I know that is very unlikely , and I 'm not suggesting it is going to happen . However , the board are going to have to do something to lift the fans enthusiasm to renew their season tickets . If we continue to slide ( even a few wins along the way are likely to see us fall down the league ) then the renewals are likely to be dependent on summer signings . Despite suggestions to the contrary I suspect that summer signings will be dependent ( maybe even financed by ) season ticket sales . In 2008 the season tickets were sold with a free ticket if we are promoted , and the promise that the club would do everything in their power to achieve that . Then over the summer we sold Bougherra for £ 2 . 5m , Marcus Bent and Amady Faye for about £ 1m each , and McCarthy and Iwelumo for about £ 500k each . That raised c . £ 5 . 5m and we only brought in Nicky Bailey for £ 400k . Apparently we were ready to sell ZZ for a further £ 2 . 5m but he didn 't want to go to WBA . I would say that this was hardly doing everything they could to win promotion - we were actually relegated the follwing spring . In 2009 the season tickets were sold with the backdrop of the ' Takeover ' that club insiders promised was going to happen ' within a week ' every week for two months . This was also at a time when we were promised that negotiations were ongoing to see if we could keep ZZ , Hudson and a few others ( that I can 't be bothered to look up ) all of whom were long gone by the time the season started . Needless to say the takeover didn 't happen either . That summer there were suggestions that if we had new owners there would probably be a new manager who would want to bring in his own players , so there was no point in Parkinson signing any . He didn 't and we had a very unbalanced side and finished 4th and missed out on the playoff final . Last summer there were few promises , except that the club would look to manage budgets and would expect to be well positioned to challenge for the playoffs . However , before the summer , we sold season tickets in March ( many of which were for 5 seasons ) , we sold Shelvey in May and went on to sell Bailey late in the summer - long after the deadline for the swap week had passed ( the true deadline to renew your seat ) . In all honesty I think the club had ( until Parkinson was sacked ) achieved just about all it ' suggested ' when selling season tickets in the summer . However , the season tickets were originally marketed in March as being a good deal for the Championship if we went up . There was also the cleverly worded ' suggestion ' that if you didn 't renew by 31st March there was no guarantee that you could keep your seat . There was some debate about this at the time , but it was clear to me that the club were not going to sell fans seats out from under them in April , but still I would suggest that the club positioned the tickets as being for something that was very different from what we got . So , what happens at the end of this month if we fail to perform better in the next six games than the last six , and there are no player movements to add credibility that the board are going to back the manager ? Rochdale in 13th are just two points behind us , Brentford who we play on Saturday are 16th and just five points behind us . It is hardly unrealistic to suggest that we could be in the bottom third of the third division by the time the deadline for the current price expires . The club has not promised that there will not be a price rise even if we are not promoted if you don 't renew by 4th April . I 'm tempted to risk ridicule by saying that I am confident that the club will not put the prices up in June if we fail to win promotion . I don 't have much to say about tonights game . Fom what I could establish on the commentary we played like we did against Exeter and Carlisle , and got what we deserved . I don 't think there is much nore to say really . There is some good news , however . Today I went to my six year old son 's Parents ' Evening , and it would appear that he is doing very well at school - something that I haven 't always been able to say , and he was described by his teacher ( who I liked a lot before she said it , and even more afterwards ) as a very nice boy . His reading has improved significantly and it would appear that he has a bit of a flair for Maths , and his only real weakness is that he doesn 't like writing , especially joined up writing , and needs to remember capital letters and adjectives . Clearly there is a little bit of a conflict of interest as I would likely have been a very unsatisfied customer had she said something too critical , but it 's nice all the same . It 's also nice when your football club is slipping down the toilet if something else in your life can compensate by going in the other direction . Strangely , I wasn 't angry . I went to the game with an old friend of mine , and we had a good laugh . We used to work together and don 't see each other very often now , so we could have done anything and we would have enjoyed each other 's company . Just as well really . That was ( when taken into context of what has gone before ) the most rubbish football game I have attended . There were goals , we scored one , we weren 't really taken apart and in the end we only lost by two goals . That said it was cold , we played rubbish , and when all 's said and done we have managed to lose four games in a row in the 3rd division . Between the 4th and the 18th of April 1981 we lost four games , and went on to finish third . That statistic is the only thing that stops this the worst run since I started going to Charlton , but it does equal it . However , we didn 't concede three goals at home in that whole season , in fact you have to go back to March 1926 for the last time we conceded three goals in back to hack home games in this division , and we drew one of those 3 - 3 . In all fairness we did draw the last home game of 1972 - 73 3 - 3 before losing the first game of the new season 4 - 2 at The Valley , but you get my point . In fact , I can 't ever remember deciding to avoid a league game on a Saturday . I 've passed on a couple of FA Cup games against lower league opposition over the years , but not a league game . I 've had a season ticket since 1989 , and have missed just a couple of games since then ( when I had a heart valve transplant ) but after Tuesday night I decided that I would find something else to do on Saturday . Remember that I don 't even have to pay for the ticket - or , rather , I 've already paid for it . I thought that by now I would have changed my mind . I thought that I would have accepted the inevitable , and that is that I always go , irrespective . However , my resolve seems to have hardened . It 's not as though I have a family wedding , or the like , to go to , I have , obviously , kept the day free as I always go to the games . No , I have come to the conclusion that even with an already paid for ticket I would rather stay home and sit on the sofa or be marched ' round Bluewater with Mrs , and Junior , KHA than go to the Valley on Saturday . If this is what we can expect then I 'll probably be reviewing my season ticket renewal this season . My Dad goes away for a large part of the winter , and misses at least six games a season - it 's normally nearer ten . With the ' promotional ' days where the tickets are cheap , the games on TV and the cold evening games that we might both choose to miss I am confident the season ticket will cost more than paying as we go . This and the fact that unless something drastic changes we will be averaging close to half the capacity next season I am hardly going to struggle to sit where I want to - I might even like to move around the ground like my Dad used to do in the 50s , 60s and 70s .
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There are lots of examples of this , and I 've been mulling over in my head as to whether I was going to list some to make the point , but I think you get it . Football is a repetitive business . By definition a league season is 46 games , many of which are not significant at all , and many that are significant for something that happens during the game that couldn 't have been forecast in advance . An obvious example of that , for me anyway , was the Boxing Day fixture against Swindon where we came back from 2 - 1 down to snatch a late draw with nine men . The game was on Boxing Day , which is a tradition that I love , but that aside I would never have considered it a ' big ' or significant game before hand , but it turned out to be . Sure I 'd like to be the team to take their unbeaten record , I 'd like to be the team that pushes them into third place with their first defeat in eleven months , but the truth is that I just want to win this high profile game . I 've literally just been listening to The Football Ramble podcast and they discussed the recent breaking of the 42 game record held by Nottingham Forest and they made the point that we much be doing well to be five points above them . They also poked fun at the play - off final defeat . With Jackson injured we are going to miss a major presence both in terms of his talent and his captaincy . I think it is not a coincidence that we fell apart last season when he was missing . To be fair we have better players in the squad this season , but it will be a set back for sure , and not only tonight . However , I think that Ephraim is a real player , and the adrenalin tonight will probably make up for his absence to some degree . I am tempted to say that I would take a draw tonight as it keeps us five points above the team in third ( our real goal ) but for tonight I just want to win the game . Sure there 's three points at stake , but it 's a chance for us to beat the team that everyone is talking about and send out a message about our intentions . It 'll also be a cracking night out for the Charlton fans . I thought we 'd stumble over the line with a 1 - 0 win at home to Carlisle last Saturday , and despite the fact they they made some defence howlers we still ran out 4 - 0 winners , and were 3 - 0 in front when they went down to ten men at the end of the first half . The icing on the cake was the saved penalty . In fact just about everything went our way . This was important , of course , as we had failed to win any of the three previous matches , and even lost to the team on a run of four straight defeats the week before . I accept that there will be blips , and as I said above just because we would expect to beat Stevenage , doesn 't automatically mean we will do so . However , the real test is what happens after a defeat , and I think we have answered all the questions that were surfacing , including some of my own . So on the Hartlepool ? Well they started the league campaign with four straight draws ( MK Dons , Walsall , Huddersfield and Stevenage ) , before going on a run of five wins all be it against the less glamorous sides ( Rochdale , Exeter , Carlisle , Bury and Bournemouth ) then followed that up with three defeats ( Sheff Wed , Notts County and Wycombe ) they then beat Chesterfield , away , last Saturday before losing at home to Tranmere in the week . So they face us with one win in five ( with four defeats ) , having lost their last three home games . However , I believe that we are no longer that sort of side . I think the players that we have wearing the shirt this season are better than that . I was never sure if it was complacency or the inability to break down teams that defended in numbers , but I do believe that Stevenage was a blip and I think we will collect three points tomorrow . I 'm going for a 1 - 0 win tomorrow . I still think there will be games when we need to grind out a win by breaking down a tough side and keeping a clean sheet . I think tomorrow will be one of those . Elsewhere I was buoyed this week , despite the unpopularity of my pleasure , by Sky TVs decision to move our game with Huddersfield from Saturday 26th November to Monday 28th November . I have always been committed to attend every game , and I have missed all sorts of family occasions in the process . I have sent my wife to weddings on her own , and have passed on all sorts of social occasions in order to keep my 100 % attendance on a season by season basis . However on the 26th of November I am , for the first time and I hope the last , attending a posthumous graduation ceremony for my late brother - in - law . Some of you will remember that he died in a car accident in 2008 . It would seem that all universities have a scheme to extrapolate results up to date ( there was a small celebration in the summer of 2008 when his first year results were released ) but we were unaware of this tradition until until a few months ago when Nottingham University contacted my in - laws to invite them ( and my wife and I ) to attend the ceremony . Following on from our win at Sheffield United we had 27 points from eleven games . We were five points in front of MK Dons who we 'd drawn away to and eight points ahead of Hartlepool who were in seventh . With eleven and a half games a quarter of the season this was looking good . Interestingly , after eleven games in 2009 we has 24 points and Leeds who were top had 27 . After 13 games in 2009 we had 28 points , exactly what we have now with the same number of games played . Last season we had 16 points after eleven games and 19 after thirteen games . So , on the whole it was a good start to the season . It was significantly better than I had dared hope for back in June . The board have given Powell plenty of resources and on the whole the team have repaid him with good results . We haven 't always been totally convincing , Huddersfield are the only team that seem to have done that , but I 'd take second place right now , and would have done at any point if it 'd been offered to me . However , after the Sheff Utd win , and the celebrations on the pitch and the pats on the back all round that Powell gave out we seem to have lost our way a little . The odd result going against you is perfectly understandable , and to some degree acceptable . The defeat in the JPT was ok . I would have liked to have gone to Wembley , but in the grand scheme of things it didn 't really mater that much . Losing 3 - 0 at home to a team from the same division was a little bit harder to swallow , but again , it was only the JPT , and despite Brentford doing the same we did only play half of our first team . Tranmere at home was a little less impressive . Tranmere came to us with three defeats , one win and a draw in five , so we should really have been able to pick up a win at home . There were changes , bringing in Green and Kermorgant which seemed like a reasonable move based on their contributions from the bench at both MK Dons and Sheff Utd , but it just didn 't work . Tranmere defended to highly and we failed to get a passing game going and immediately seemed to lump it up the park to the tall Frenchman . This failed miserably . Sure , we managed to steal a draw , and could have even snatched it at the end , but to be truthful , without the Penalty we could well have lost that game . Then we went to Stevenage , who were on a run of four defeats . What we needed was to to keep it tight and score first and then they would have been forced to come out and attack , leaving us chances to increase our lead . We managed to concede an early goal and then they did exactly what you 'd expect from a team playing in a game they expected to lose . No disrespect to them , but I 'd be amazed if we finish less than ten points above them , and they would probably have been happy with a draw . So one draw and two defeats in three . having said that we are still forth in the form tables ( last six games ) and we are still top of the form table for the last six away games . Six games that include trips to the teams that are 4th and 8th . I 'm still happy with our current progress , and the initial bedding in period for the team to ' gel ' doesn 't seem to have cost us many points . I think it might be time to reinstate Wagstaff and Hayes . I think it was a little unfair on them to be dropped , despite the replacements having great impacts from the bench . Maybe that is where they need to utilised . Green has demonstrated great crossing ability , and I have been willing him to succeed as I do love a ' proper ' winger that gets to the line and crosses the ball , but he has , frankly , failed to deliver . I 'm not saying that he won 't have a big part to play this season , but for now I think Wagstaff should be given the nod . I also think BWP looks a better player with Hayes , and we seem to play a more passing game with him in the side . Of course , it could just be that other teams have worked out how to play us now . I always find it worrying when we can 't seem to break down the rough , tough huff and puff sides . If you fail to beat them then it encourages more sided to employ those tactics , and they spoil the game in my opinion . This is a real test of Powell and his new side . We need to send out a message tomorrow both to our fans and to the rest of the teams in this division . We need to demonstrate that when we are knocked down we get straight back up . Basically we need win and never look like doing anything else . We need to pass the ball around the pitch . We need to be first to the loose balls and we need to be firm in the tackle . We need to make it clear that we cannot and we will not be bullied into submission . The fans need to play their part too . We need to make The Valley less of a fun day out for the opposition . our away form has been fantastic this season , but we have only won half of the games we 've played at home . We need to make The Valley a fortress , starting tomorrow . I am confident of a win . I don 't , actually , think I 'll see all those things I listed above , and at the end of the day I 'll take a win - any win . I 'm going for a 1 - 0 win . Keep it tight at the back and nick a goal . IT won 't exactly send out the shock waves I 'd like but it will confirm that we have got back up again . And it will , of course , keep us at the top of the table . Since I last got off my backside and wrote something on here there has been a lot to talk about . We have settled ( I think and hope ) into am established level of performance and results . Two years ago we were a little unknown in this division and , to most of us , the division was a little unknown too . Now I am much more confident of what the division has to offer and , indeed , how able we are to cope with it . Parkinson 's first season for us in the third division it took a few months for the other sides to know how to cope / deal with us . Shelvey was outstanding , yet underrated . his form dipped a little and the results dried up . There were a few outstanding players ( at this level ) in our squad that season , but our midfield was our real ( and probably only ) strength . Certainly once Youga disappeared with injury , and Richardson started falling in and out of the side ( also due to injury ) we were never the same . We managed some notable performances and results against the top sides , but the autumn start was never recaptured and proved to be a false dawn . This season we look like a side , with a little cover in key areas , that is winning the games that it deserves to . This is always a good sign . It 's ok , and sometimes more enjoyable , to win games against the run of play , but results without performances , like luck , run out in the end . I 've always said that I 'd rather have a lucky manager ( and goalkeeper , for that manager ) but if you have the choice it is better to have a good one . All this leads me on nicely to our recent results and , more importantly this Saturday 's clash . I don 't want to take anything away from the squad , but the results haven 't impressed me massively so far . Don 't get me wrong I am more than happy with where we are , and the performances have been great - especially coming from behind at Bury and losing a two goal lead but still winning at Rochdale , but I believe that the squad is good enough to expect these results . With this in mind I fully expect ( and I mean predict not demand ) a comfortable win on Saturday . Sure Chesterfield have had a few decent results in the last couple of weeks , but I fully expect us to be too good for them . I also think that the new squad will be lifted by the atmosphere at The Valley on Saturday , rather than be in fear of it , which is what seemed to happen last time . Paul Hayes had a bit of a stinker . To be fair to him he has admitted as much on his Twitter . In the first couple of games he has looked a real asset . His running and his ball hold up play have been impressive . He can also pick out a pass and will , no doubt , prove to be worth his place in the side , but he missed a chance on Saturday , despite keeping the ball down and hitting the target , he should really have done better . His biggest fumble , however , was when he was clear away and dribbled the ball rather than kicking it and chasing it and the defender took the ball off his toes before he could get a shot off . He is clearly not an out and out striker , but to be fair we knew that when we signed him . I also felt the midfield looked tired on Saturday . It 's ok keeping a winning side , but when the games come a bit thick and fast it might be better to rest the odd players rather than have them tire out . Towards the end on Saturday we seemed to have conceded the midfield completely . Despite my lack of enthusiasm in giving Parkinson the job he did manage to secure wins and pick up points by grinding out results . This was unattractive and never seemed convincing , but it did seem to work . This season it is different . To be fair Powell has been given the chance to build the squad he wanted , something that Parkinson never had . The change is staggering . We were well worth our win on Tuesday , and we were well worth our win against Bournemouth . I can 't remember the last time I saw us win two games back to back and deserve to win them both . Seriously , I really can 't remember ! Two seasons ago we won six straight at the start of the season , but that included four that I went to ( the home games and Orient away ) and of those four we were only convincing in the first half agaist Wycombe and we managed to concede two goals after being three in front to make for a tense ending to the game . Thus we are looking better , relative to the opposition , than we did two years ago . That is the most pleasing aspect of the start we are watching - we actually look like we are better than the opposition . Anyway , last season I , again , thought I would wing it with my previews and not bother going to all that much trouble to familiarise myself with the teams we would be meeting each week . This year , however , I intend to make more of an effort . I 've decided to take a leaf out of Chicago Addick 's book and look into the opposition a little more . Clearly this is going to much easier once the table takes shape and the teams new squads settle in and the stars of the season become more identifiable . Anyway Notts County ? Thankfully teams normally struggle four days after extra time and penalties , and with Lee Hughes having scored two of their goals this season they might need to play a slightly different game if he is not going to play . At 35 it would be a lot to ask for him to play three games in eight days , and after his performance against us last season at The Valley I 'm more than happy for them to rest him . Strangely the BBC season preview ( which is admittedly short ) suggests that County have a shortage of goals , hence their interest in Paul Benson . They have now had three bids turned down for Showunmi by Tranmere . Even the player is suggesting that he is happy to stay now . This does suggest that Allen thinks / knows his squad needs more fire power . With that in mind , I 'm tempted to suggest that a Hughes free line up should be there for the taking . We have shown that we can score goals with a three goal margin for the first time since Powell took charge . In fact a 4 - 0 win at Tranmere ( August 2009 ) a 5 - 1 win against MK Dons ( 14 / 11 / 09 ) and the 5 - 1 win at Peterborough ( 13 / 11 / 10 ) we haven 't managed a three goal margin since Chris Powell scored himself in a 4 - 1 win over Coventry in May 2008 . Clearly we will not win every game by three goals , nor will we score three goals most weeks , but we do seem to have much more fire power this season . I would like to think that Wright - Phillips , Hayes , Benson , Jackson , Stephens , Green and Wagstaff are all in with a shout of getting ten goals this season . That does mean that marking our threats out of the game is going to be a little more difficult this season . Lloyd Sam and Kyle Reid both suffered with double marking at times , but who would you double mark with Green on one flank , Jackson on the other and Stephens in the middle ? I also think we will increase those options with a loan player or two in due course . As for the team I , personally , would prefer to see Green get a game . I know Wagstaff has done nothing wrong , but it is a long season , the games are coming think and fast right now and it makes sense to play your best side when ever you can . I expect both Wagstaff and Green to be playing 30 games plus this season ( particularly if you include substitutions ) and for that reason I 'd like to blood him this weekend and bring Wagstaff on for the last twenty minutes or so when their legs are tiring and when his pace can really punish them . Other than that I 'd not change anything else . Maybe we will see Alonso on the bench , as I 'm not sure he is not going to be a star for us this season . Danny Hollands looked the real deal on Saturday , but on the basis that we are going to need cover , one of them will be first choice , and for me the jury is still out on that . It 's no secret that we , at Charlton , love a crunching tackler , maybe even more than a flair winger . So , I 'm going to go for a 4 - 0 win . I know that sounds silly , but I had a feeling we would win 3 - 0 last Saturday but went for a 2 - 1 to be a little less arrogant , and to save me having egg on my face . To be fair even at 4 - 1 we will have the second of our nine three goal margin wins . The end of last season was very demoralising in terms of Charlton , and I had always intended to have the summer off to recuperate . However , on Sunday 22 June one of my best friends was killed in a road traffic accident . That in itself put things into perspective - it was a week over two years after my wife 's brother was killed in a car accident , and this does make one see things differently . Following the death of my friend I spent a lot of time helping his wife with his business . I should explain . We were both in the same industry , and were each other 's locum - an agreement that we made never expecting to have to call upon it . This has taken a lot of my time , and combined with my son being home from school since the start of July I have had my hands full , and blogging hasn 't been much of a priority . Anyway , today I thought I should make a decision about the blog , and either get my back side into gear and write something - maybe less than I normally end up writing - so that I can justify calling myself a blogger , or officially give up . The latter was never a realistic option . I love being able to describe myself as the writer of a blog . Even if the blog is rubbish , and most people that I tell about it never bother to read it , it doesn 't matter . It has also helped me to make new friends , and enables me to believe that I am part of a small community of bloggers , and I really like that . The squad that Powell has assembled is so , so exciting . I have often played football manager games and I have always looked to sign young players that will develop . Clearly computer ( and latterly PS3 ) games are a little predictable . All young players will develop and have their skill level and ' score ' go up each season . Clearly in the real world this is not guaranteed , and there is a massive gulf between how a computer program assess a player 's abilities and what happens in real life . With this in mind I used my normal logic and went and got excited because we are signing players that are young with massive potential . I went to Woking to see our second team play in July , and I went to the home friendly where we won the ' People 's Cup ' . I was very impressed with what I saw . There are few in the reserves that are going to make a significant impact on the first team in my view , but I am bursting with excitement at Dale Stephens ( who did play at Woking ) Danny Green , Paul Hayes , Michael Morrison , Matthew Taylor and Danny Hollands . I am excited , even though I 've not seen them play , with Mikel Alonso , Ruben Bover , Cedric Evina and Andy Hughes . This on the basis that I was already excited about getting to see Johnnie Jackson and Bradley Wright - Phillips next season . I am impressed with the signings of Sullivan and Hamer , even though I know little about the latter . I should also point out that I am more than happy with Paul Benson ( assuming he can manage less red cards this season ) , Chris Solly and Scott Wagstaff . I am disappointed that we have been unable to secure a long term contract with Rob Elliot as it is a rare thing for a real fan to play for your club , and not only do I think he is a good ' Keeper , but I like having him in the side . My only worry with Rob is that he seems to miss more games with injury than would be ideal , but it would still have been my preference to keep him . Having said that if he can secure himself a better future elsewhere then good luck to him , and I really mean that . I was pleased that Scott Wagstaff signed a contract extension , he is not finished developing yet , but I would much rather have him stay at Charlton while he achieves his potential than have him do so elsewhere . Johnnie Jackson , however , was a real worry to me . We looked like a different side last season when he moved forward from left back to play on the left of the midfield , and we clearly missed him in the run in . With just a year left on his contract I feared he would move on , but his contract extension ( especially as it was a further two years ) was , for me , the best signing of the summer ( well , maybe level with Dale Stephens ) . I am more than happy for him to be named Captain , and his extravagant celebration with the People 's Cup was exactly what I would have liked to have seen . So , on the whole I am very happy with the changes . Without going into any details , I 'm also not disappointed about any of the departures . Last summer it was clear that losing Lloyd Sam , Dion Burton , Jonjo Shelvey , Sam Sodje and Nicky Bailey was going to make us much weaker . This summer I think only Semedo would have been a close call for me . With his wages he was probably going to be difficult to keep , and I understand those that think he and Racon were more the problem than the solution , but I think we need to wait to see how we perform against those teams that are chasing promotion this season before we can say , categorically , that we don 't need a midfield enforcer in the side . Either way , he is the only one that I would have kept , and it doesn 't matter now anyway . With Racon going to Millwall I now feel obliged to hate him . It is so easy , now , to think of him as a player that cost us £ 440k ( although that might have been Euros ) to sign and £ 1 . 248m in wages during four years when we finished 11th in the second division ( when he was out on loan a lot ) , bottom of the second division , 4th in the third division and 13th in the third division . If this wasn 't enough , He gave more effort in the last ten games than he gave in the other three and three quarter seasons when his contract was coming to an end . I should briefly discuss the Bournemouth result . I predicted a 2 - 1 win , but I did have a feeling that it could be 3 - 0 . We need to secure some decent results in the first ten games or so , and then we can really judge the squad , and it should be in it 's stride . With the signings coming so early in the summer we are likely to be in front of where we were last season when we were still waiting for the team to gel after a dozen games . The win was , for this reason , more important than the performance . However , we played well , played the type of football that we all want to see , and the new boys looked good . Not to mention Scott Wagstaff scoring a cracking goal . Something tells me that we will not have three midfielders having scored more goals than Wright - Phillips for too much longer , but right now I 'm more than happy with the situation . I know that Bournemouth have had their squad raided , and I expect they will probably end up struggling this season , so a win was really necessary bearing in mind our aspirations , but a 3 - 0 home win is a great way to start the season . I 'm not going to discuss the riots in London , as this is not the place , and I suspect that my Dad is the only one still reading now , but it was a real disappointment to have our game with Reading cancelled last night . It would have given us a chance to test ourselves against a team that would , despite the changes to both sides , have given us a better indication as to how good the squad looks . As a consequence , however , we are now planning to travel to Colchester next week , the venue of a terrible defeat two years ago . I am confident that we will do better this time , all be it that we would struggle to fare worse . My last note concerns the signing of Jason Euell today . I 'm more than happy with this . He came on at Woking and looked like he had something to offer . I think it is easy to forget just how much better than us the Premier League teams are these days , and Jason played in that division last season , and he also had some games in the Championship . Many players play at the top level at 34 , and bearing in mind we don 't expect him to play 40 games this season I think his addition will be a real positive , and I can 't wait to see him play for us at The Valley again . In July 2006 Mrs KHA and I took a long weekend trip to Valencia . I told her that there was a lovely beach right on the doorstop of a reasonably priced 5 star hotel that had excellent reviews on expedia and I promised lots of wine and Paella . I had only had my business up and running for six months and I thought I could spare a Friday and a Monday away . Imagine my surprise and excitement when we arrived there only to discover that Charlton were playing a friendly at the Estadio Mestalla against the Mighty Valencia ! Well I was , I thought , looking genuinely delighted . " Imagine the odds of that happening without us knowing ? " She didn 't even say anything , I just got that look . Those of you that are married will know the look , and those of you that aren 't are better off for not knowing it . Anyway with my punishment negotiated ( in Euros to be spent on presents for Mrs KHA at the earliest opportunity ) we made our way to the game . It was a night to remember . It was the first time I 'd seem Charlton play abroad ; it was the first time I 'd been to a game that finished the day after it started ( they kicked off at about eleven o ' clock in the evening ) ; and they made a huge fuss over their players as they were introduced to the fans - not something we do at Charlton . The results were more than acceptable . Beating Bristol City was impressive , and a narrow defeat from a team that went close to promotion for the last two seasons was hardly embarrassing either . It sounds , from the match reports , that we are look to have made some very good acquisitions this summer . It all bodes well for the coming season . I 'm conscious that we shouldn 't get carried away , but if you can 't be excited at the start of a season , when can you ? As for players I think we still need another centre half or two , and might need another right back , even if Francis stays , which I hope he doesn 't . I was very excited to read that neither Simon Francis nor Alan McCormack travelled to Spain because they were agreeing personal terms to leave . I have nothing against the two players personally , all be it I think McCormack was a little irresponsible with his tweets when we lost to Swindon , but I just don 't think either of them are good enough for where we want to be . I expect , also , that with the current economic climate in football they are going to have to take pay cuts , and will quite possibly never reach this level of wages again . I could be wrong , but as McCormack was signed on a free and Francis was signed for a ' nominal ' fee they will both have signed good contracts . With this in mind I can 't , really , be angry with them for not going . Disappointed ? Yes , but not angry . Hopefully they will find clubs to move to . McCormack is being reported as being unwilling to drop a division , and that might make it more difficult , but sooner or later they will probably be shipped off on loan to get them out of the building and reduce the total we have to pay them . In Francis ' case I think a fee is a realistic aspiration for the club , but I guess he must know that if he waits long enough he will be able to leave for free ( even if he has to wait 12 months ) and that might just appeal to him , as he is likely to get more choice of destination and , presumably , more money . I would suggest that we can probably turn our attentions to central defenders now . Tomorrow , or maybe Friday , we are going to see confirmation of those that are not being kept from this season . We know that Racon will not be here next season , but even if we 'd not already signed Hollands , Alonso and Stephens I would have been happy to have him leave . I think he has looked the real deal on occasion , but it is entirely too infrequent and the number of times he has gone missing have made me lose confidence in him . I would be neither surprised , not disappointed if he suffers another relegation next season with Millwall . Semedo is probably the only other player from last season ( who is out of contract ) that I would be all that bothered about keeping . I liked Llera , but I think he is a little limited for the aspirations we have . Dailly has looked a little too old to go again , which to be fair is no insult as he is 37 . I liked Kelly Youga , and even though I don 't really have a problem with him signing a good contract when he was offered it , or being injured , I just don 't think he can be trusted to play enough games to be offered anything like he was on and I suspect he will move on . Of the others the only one that really creates much debate is Kyle Reid and I think he has had plenty of opportunity to demonstrate that he has then complete package to be a success at Charlton , and I am really talking about attitude there I think . I know it 's unfair as I don 't really know him , but I can 't quite get the feeling out of my head that he thinks he is too good for us , and we have never had success with players that believed that . If Paulo Di Canio can fight for a place at Charlton I can 't see why Kyle Reid shouldn 't . I know we are in a lower division , but our success has always come from hard work and determination . Racon and Semedo had acceptable seasons , well Semedo did , all be it that if we want to be winning this division there is some argument as to the need for a defensive midfielder . Racon looked better on the left and I am concerned that this coincided with his contract coming to an end . There are some players that only seem to bust a gut when they are looking for a new deal , and at times Racon reminded me of that . Over all I think his contribution has been less than we could have expected from him . I mention these two players together as I suspect that both of them will be able to fine higher salaries elsewhere . This leaves the rest . I haven 't been all that impressed with any of the rest to be honest . Chris Solly has been ok , all be it that I think I ( like many others ) cut him more slack as he came through our youth side , but he suffers in my estimation due to the length of time that he is unavailable due to injury . A similar issue exists with Rob Elliot and Joe Anyinsah . Kelly Youga hasn 't played all year , and Christian Dailly has been sent off three times earning himself twelve games suspended , and also had a lengthy spell out with a broken face . There are a number of players that were so disappointing that they deserve a special mention . I 'm not normally keen on singling out individuals , but as I 'm here discussing the squad I 'd probably include Kyle Reid , Alan McCormack , Simon Francis and Gary Doherty in that list . Reid has looked like he believes he is too good for us and at times and his comments on Twitter haven 't helped him . I believe he lacks a real end product , he is skillful , but he often seems to run into dead ends or end up shooting from distance . This is a good way to score great goals , but also loses possession too often . Doherty is a good pro , and had he not come with such a great reputation he might not have been on this list , but I just expected so much more from him in terms of commanding the back four . The two Southend players are just too limited in my view . Francis can look really good going forward , sometimes , but his lapses of concentration at the back make him a weakness that we should be looking to eradicate . McCormack did himself no favours bragging about his expensive night out when he , and the team , performed so badly . I have some sympathy with him , and I agree with those that say that if you want the players to share their personal lives with us fans then we need to accept that very rich young men are going to enjoy , and take for granted , things the average fan cannot . I find that a bad game can affect me much more than a bad day at the office , so why should he be any different . However , that said , I just don 't think he is good enough for Charlton . Despite the fact that we have fallen from grace so dramatically in the last five years , I cannot accept that we can ever be bad enough that we need to fill our squad with players with so little to offer . I don 't doubt their effort ( maybe Reid 's attitude ) but those players have just not been good enough this season . The signings made last summer , some of which I 've already talked about , were made with little or no money to spend . I believe that the current financial climate , coupled with the division we are in , means that free agents can be good enough to be successful for us . We just need to be looking to attract the right kind of players , and this will , ultimately , be down to how much money we have to play with . With just under four weeks until I need to make a decision about renewing my season ticket or risking losing my seat I 'm still erring on the side of paying on a match by match basis as I 'm not convinced that on the whole there is going to be enough to make me want to give up my Saturdays . This is a combination of the general malaise that I feel following five seasons of free fall , the commitment of time now that I have more pressures , and family obligations and the fact that I 'm not sure that I will enjoy watching us play next season enough to want to go to 20 plus home games . Also by going to fewer home games I will have more time and money to go to away games , and I have always wanted to see new grounds . It could be argued that we were not much better at home than away last season , so you are not necessarily likely to enjoy the games any more at home either . This is especially true if you factor in that you are generally happier with a draw away than you are at home . There is still plenty of time for the new signings to inspire me , but as it stands I may well be starting my first season without a season ticket for 22 years . What is most frightening about that is that the thought of it doesn 't feel wrong . If you 'd asked me five years ago what are the chances of me deciding not to renew I would have just laughed at you . I have to say I 'm not really surprised by this result . I was incredibly pleased with the performance against Southampton , and the result there and at Bournemouth . Both of those two results were a bonus as far as I 'm concerned . There has been some suggestion on Charlton Life that we played well yesterday and deserved to win . However , despite not wanting to sound hypocritical ( criticising wins when we play badly ) at this point we need a win to be sure of being in this division next season . I no longer care for good performances when we lose - especially as we have failed to put back to back performances together all season . I still think that we must be able to luck a win from somewhere , and with Walsall needing to make up ten points , Dagenham & Redbridge nine and Notts Co . eight we might well have enough points already . Walsall only have seven games left , which gives them a maximum 21 points . Even if we lose our next six games ( possible but not very likely ) I still think we will be safe if we draw at their place on 30th April . However I 'm beginning to think that a defeat there will take us into the last game of the season with something to play for . One bit of good news , however , is that I am going to Florida on Sunday for two weeks to see Mickey Mouse . Needless to say my six year old son is getting excited but nowhere as near as excited as I 'm getting . Work has been really good for the last twelve months , and I 'm encouraged both by that and the future outlook . My Son is doing well at school and it looks as though Mrs KHA is going to be getting a promotion this week ( fingers crossed ) . All in all everything in the Kings Hill Addick household is looking rosy - save for the rubbish football team , of course . When we get back we will have just four games left . By then it could be really interesting . It could be squeaky bum time , as Alex Fergusson likes to say . I have been to a few meetings over the years with club officials . I 've seen Richard Murray speak several times and went to the Slater / Powell meeting at The Valley earlier this year . These meetings are always interesting , and you often get an idea of the thoughts behind those running the club . I went along to Bromley Supporters Club last year to hear Parkinson speak and he was a revelation . He was very , very open and my view of him . both as a manager and a man , changed . People will moan that " no one will ask him a difficult question " or say after the event that " Why didn 't anyone ask blah , blah , blah . " Well come along and ask the question yourself . It 's only £ 5 and it 's only in Bromley . I 'm not sure how long the club keep information of season ticket holders . I know it was mentioned on Charlton Life some time ago that the club doesn 't know how long current season ticket holders have had their ticket - not seat as some have had them since we played at Selhurst Park , Upton Park and during various building schemes at The Valley . Thus , those of us that were season ticket holders at Selhurst Park were not differentiated against by those that bought s ST in the Premier League to turn up half a dozen times a season to watch the glamour games . Having said that most businesses are infinitely more interested in how much money than can extract from their customers in the future , opposed to how much they have gave in the past , so we can hardly be surprised or disappointed . Also , for obvious reasons , the more likely one is to renew the less effort should be expended to convince him to do so . In fact , the majority of the budget should be allocated to those that might not renew . Loyalty is a great thing , and shouldn 't really be taken for granted , but equally if you are ever going to take someone for granted it should be one of those that are most loyal , as you can trust them to be there what ever happens . I seriously doubt that these discussions have not gone on . It would be irresponsible of the Target 40 , 000 committee and their associates if they did not target those that the club are most likely to lose . I appreciate that it must be difficult to identify the specific groups , and it might be more expensive to market them in different ways , however , the price that will be charged in the summer , along with the ' threat ' of fans losing their seats is likely to be more pivotal for renewals for those that don 't do so in April . I believe there is a real possibility of those fans choosing to pay as they go . I 'm not suggesting that any of them will stop supporting Charlton , but all the time we have seen no visible signs of actual squad rebuilding , and quality being added at that , there is the temptation to believe that some of the midweek games ( especially in the winter ) and the run in if it is going to anything like this one present very missable games . If there are enough of these missable games , combined with the odd football for a fiver deal and one or two family occasions it might even work out cheaper - this is before you factor in the cost of paying for a whole year upfront . I have no real reason to assume that the club will not follow through on all the promises that have been made , all be it that they are vague enough to make it impossible to prove otherwise , even after the event , but I do know that if they intended to build a squad on the cheap they would have said exactly what they have done . Significant investment could be £ 10m on transfer fees ; it could just as easily be describing bridging the gap between income and expenditure for another year - which was estimated to be £ 4m this season . The difference in playing staff of those two is massive . I believe that last year many fans renewed in March as they believed that there was a very real possibility that they would lose their seat if they didn 't . The way that the club ensured that no one lost their seat as long as they renewed in June last year makes that threat seem a little toothless this time around . With promotion off the agenda now , a Championship priced ticket looks very unlikely now too . They are clearly very loyal fans . I have to say that I admire them . I used to think of myself as a loyal fan . During my three years at Kent University ( in Canterbury ) I didn 't miss one home game . I also attended every home game when I lived in Sheffield for a year - quite a financial commitment for a student . I have most of the replica shirts that have been available since the 1980s onwards and I have a program for just about every home game for well over 20 years . I have had a season ticket every year since 1989 , and I have been obsessed with Charlton since before then and am still now . However , I felt a little conned in 2008 when the club 's representatives pushed the free Premier League season ticket offer for the second year running only to sell several of the best players after the deadline had gone to balance the books . I felt mislead in the summer of 2009 when the ' Takeover ' was going to be completed in a week for months while season tickets were being sold . The , then , Chief Executive promised that the club would sack the manager and get us a new one if we bought enough season tickets - something that is now claimed to be a joke but wasn 't thought of as being one at the time . All the while the board were refusing to allow Parkinson to bring in players to make the side much more balanced as it was suggested that after the takeover we would have so much more money that we would be signing better players . Last summer the club did exactly what it said it was going to do . We sold everything that had a value and renewed none of the contracts of players on good money and allowed them to leave for free ( something that we couldn 't have stopped , to be fair ) . However there was this ' offer ' made of two divisions one price . The price for the next season would be held at the current price and you would be able to secure your seat ( opposed to losing it ) if you committed by the end of March . This season , like last , I am not going to renew early . I have my season ticket application pack , not that I think I 'll need it as I will purchase online if it is going to save me £ 5 , and I can 't see me being anywhere else than at The Valley on a Saturday afternoon when my Dad is not away . But , I feel as though my loyalty has been abused . I know some will claim that we have new owners and I should give them the benefit of the doubt , but I doubt that it is a coincidence that the club has many of the same employees and consultants strategising on Season Ticket sales , and the ' threats ' of what happens if you don 't renew early look the same as last year . For that reason I 'm going to wait until the summer . If the price is increased slightly , and / or the board make what I believe to be impressive investments in the playing staff I 'll renew then . If , however , they put the price up a lot and / or sell my current seat to someone else then I 'll not renew at all . Then those selling tickets will have to keep impressing me with the football each week to tempt me to come to the next game , something the club has failed miserably to do in at least three of the last five years . Since I started my love affair with Charlton , thirty years ago , I have been all the way through senior school , ' A ' - Level college , University , twice , had major open heart surgery , started two business , got married and become a Dad . During all that time Charlton has been the one constant in my life ( apart from my family ) , but I have a full life , and I now love other parts of it more than I love football . Can I take it or leave it ? No , I can 't . Can I cope with being a little lower on the ' Loyal Supporter ' ladder by not having a season ticket ? Yes I can . As we enter the the last eleven games of the season we have a much better idea of how likely the top two is , how likely the play offs are and how likely relegation is . Ignoring deviation ( which I know distorts the results ) the average number of points achieved by the team finishing 2nd in this division over the last five seasons in this 86 . 6th place had an average of 74 . 8 ( let 's call it 75 ) . The average number of points the fifth from bottom team achieved was 50 and two thirds ( 50 . 6 recurring - let 's call it 51 ) . We currently have 48 points with 33 to play for . That means that we must finish on between 48 and 81 points . Realistically that makes the automatic places beyond our reach . However in 2006 Colchester ( with a Mr Phil Parkinson in charge ) finished second with 79 points above Brentford in third with 76 points . Thus , potentially , we could have won automatic promotion with 77 points - a massive four points less than we still could achieve . That means that we could lost tomorrow night or draw tomorrow and at Bournemouth and still go up without the need for the playoffs . The 75 that I suspect we would need to make the playoffs would only require that we only win nine of our remaining eleven games . Certainly if we win them all 81 points would be enough ( the maximum a sixth placed team has achieved is 80 , and that was last season . I would also suggest that if we go into the playoffs on the back of an eleven game winning run we would have to be considered the ' form ' team and I would be confident of a successful conclusion . However , I am not all that confident , as things stand , that we are going to win our next eleven games , or nine of them for that mater . So we find ourselves looking down . First the good news , we are only one win away from having the magic 51 points that would be enough to keep a side up in four of the last five seasons . One win and a draw would be enough to keep us up in all of the last five seasons . The biggest worry for me is that we haven 't looked like winning a game since Parkinson left ( despite winning four that we had no right to ) In fact if you take those twelve points away , or even make them four ( i . e . four draws ) we have managed just 9 points since the 20th of November , fully 18 games . If you assume we 'd lost all four of those games ( and from what I saw we could easily have done so ) we have managed five points from 18 games . Scary stuff eh ? You can see why I 'm no longer looking at MK Dons remaining fixtures can 't you ? Our average points haul since 20th November is 0 . 94 per game . The good news , however , is that there are four teams with a worse average during that time than us . Sadly this doesn 't take into account the 12 points we won with pure luck . Take them away and we have the lowest return in the league for that four month period . Make no mistake I will not defect on a permanent basis , but I am really looking forward to seeing some decent football and not feeling embarrassed by the result . The truth is that of all the teams in the current third division Dagenham and Redbridge are probably the team that it would be most embarrassing to lose to . With us only drawing against them at home I can see this being a season to not remember between the two sides for all Chalton fans . Let 's ignore the fact that we beat them at home and really , really didn 't deserve to . Let 's ignore the fact that we beat them 5 - 1 last season when they were clearly better than the score line . Let 's ignore the fact that we 've beaten them five times in the last two seasons ( this and last ) . Let 's look at the implications of this result , and the importance of the game on our season . Actually , let 's not . Parkinson might have put this team together and that might be a disadvantage to Chris Powell , but there is no getting away from it , we have performed well below Parkinson 's teams since he left . I know there is an argument that not beating a ten man Brighton and Colchester were not exactly great achievements , but to be fair Colchester were on a bit of a run when we played them ( 4 wins and a draw in 7 ) , and Brighton have been a little bit good all season . Sure the Walsall and Swindon games were poor , but they were no worse than Exeter , Carlisle or Tranmere . This season Parkinson managed to average 1 . 54 points per game , Powell , with Eccleston and BWP has averaged 1 . 3 points per game . I know it 's early days for Powell , but out of interest last season MK Dons averaged 1 . 3 points over the season and finished 12th . Also it needs to be mentioned that Powell 's ten games have come against teams that were in an average position of 13th when we played them . We won four games and were , shall we say , a little fortunate , then we lost five and drew one out of six . What this tells me is that we have not improved . We have actually gone backwards . We have released the two strikers that we had that could be used as target men and brought in two that clearly cannot . We have now committed to playing a different style of game from long ball ( something we have done for over a year - including in most of Powell 's games ) . We just do not have the players for the pretty passing on the floor - not if we want to see any forward passes . I know it 's early to be jumping to conclusions ( and believe me I really want to be proved wrong ) but it looks like Chris Powell is out of his depth . His substitutions on Saturday were too ineffective - mainly because they were way too late , and the way the team is being sent out to play is just not suited to the type of players we have . I know he 's new , but surely he has seen these players in training and watched a few videos of our games . How long does Powell have to be given to turn things around ? I don 't know . The truth is that , unlike an experienced manager with a long term track record , there is no evidence that Powell will turn it around . I know you can never tell and some managers are good at some places , and rubbish at others , but if Chris Powell is never going to make it as a football manager then the longer we leave him in his post the worse off we are likely to be . The worst thing is that we are most likely too far away from 6th place now to make the playoffs a realistic target , but if the performances continue as they are we might be pulled into a relegation battle . I know that is very unlikely , and I 'm not suggesting it is going to happen . However , the board are going to have to do something to lift the fans enthusiasm to renew their season tickets . If we continue to slide ( even a few wins along the way are likely to see us fall down the league ) then the renewals are likely to be dependent on summer signings . Despite suggestions to the contrary I suspect that summer signings will be dependent ( maybe even financed by ) season ticket sales . In 2008 the season tickets were sold with a free ticket if we are promoted , and the promise that the club would do everything in their power to achieve that . Then over the summer we sold Bougherra for £ 2 . 5m , Marcus Bent and Amady Faye for about £ 1m each , and McCarthy and Iwelumo for about £ 500k each . That raised c . £ 5 . 5m and we only brought in Nicky Bailey for £ 400k . Apparently we were ready to sell ZZ for a further £ 2 . 5m but he didn 't want to go to WBA . I would say that this was hardly doing everything they could to win promotion - we were actually relegated the follwing spring . In 2009 the season tickets were sold with the backdrop of the ' Takeover ' that club insiders promised was going to happen ' within a week ' every week for two months . This was also at a time when we were promised that negotiations were ongoing to see if we could keep ZZ , Hudson and a few others ( that I can 't be bothered to look up ) all of whom were long gone by the time the season started . Needless to say the takeover didn 't happen either . That summer there were suggestions that if we had new owners there would probably be a new manager who would want to bring in his own players , so there was no point in Parkinson signing any . He didn 't and we had a very unbalanced side and finished 4th and missed out on the playoff final . Last summer there were few promises , except that the club would look to manage budgets and would expect to be well positioned to challenge for the playoffs . However , before the summer , we sold season tickets in March ( many of which were for 5 seasons ) , we sold Shelvey in May and went on to sell Bailey late in the summer - long after the deadline for the swap week had passed ( the true deadline to renew your seat ) . In all honesty I think the club had ( until Parkinson was sacked ) achieved just about all it ' suggested ' when selling season tickets in the summer . However , the season tickets were originally marketed in March as being a good deal for the Championship if we went up . There was also the cleverly worded ' suggestion ' that if you didn 't renew by 31st March there was no guarantee that you could keep your seat . There was some debate about this at the time , but it was clear to me that the club were not going to sell fans seats out from under them in April , but still I would suggest that the club positioned the tickets as being for something that was very different from what we got . So , what happens at the end of this month if we fail to perform better in the next six games than the last six , and there are no player movements to add credibility that the board are going to back the manager ? Rochdale in 13th are just two points behind us , Brentford who we play on Saturday are 16th and just five points behind us . It is hardly unrealistic to suggest that we could be in the bottom third of the third division by the time the deadline for the current price expires . The club has not promised that there will not be a price rise even if we are not promoted if you don 't renew by 4th April . I 'm tempted to risk ridicule by saying that I am confident that the club will not put the prices up in June if we fail to win promotion . I don 't have much to say about tonights game . Fom what I could establish on the commentary we played like we did against Exeter and Carlisle , and got what we deserved . I don 't think there is much nore to say really . There is some good news , however . Today I went to my six year old son 's Parents ' Evening , and it would appear that he is doing very well at school - something that I haven 't always been able to say , and he was described by his teacher ( who I liked a lot before she said it , and even more afterwards ) as a very nice boy . His reading has improved significantly and it would appear that he has a bit of a flair for Maths , and his only real weakness is that he doesn 't like writing , especially joined up writing , and needs to remember capital letters and adjectives . Clearly there is a little bit of a conflict of interest as I would likely have been a very unsatisfied customer had she said something too critical , but it 's nice all the same . It 's also nice when your football club is slipping down the toilet if something else in your life can compensate by going in the other direction . Strangely , I wasn 't angry . I went to the game with an old friend of mine , and we had a good laugh . We used to work together and don 't see each other very often now , so we could have done anything and we would have enjoyed each other 's company . Just as well really . That was ( when taken into context of what has gone before ) the most rubbish football game I have attended . There were goals , we scored one , we weren 't really taken apart and in the end we only lost by two goals . That said it was cold , we played rubbish , and when all 's said and done we have managed to lose four games in a row in the 3rd division . Between the 4th and the 18th of April 1981 we lost four games , and went on to finish third . That statistic is the only thing that stops this the worst run since I started going to Charlton , but it does equal it . However , we didn 't concede three goals at home in that whole season , in fact you have to go back to March 1926 for the last time we conceded three goals in back to hack home games in this division , and we drew one of those 3 - 3 . In all fairness we did draw the last home game of 1972 - 73 3 - 3 before losing the first game of the new season 4 - 2 at The Valley , but you get my point . In fact , I can 't ever remember deciding to avoid a league game on a Saturday . I 've passed on a couple of FA Cup games against lower league opposition over the years , but not a league game . I 've had a season ticket since 1989 , and have missed just a couple of games since then ( when I had a heart valve transplant ) but after Tuesday night I decided that I would find something else to do on Saturday . Remember that I don 't even have to pay for the ticket - or , rather , I 've already paid for it . I thought that by now I would have changed my mind . I thought that I would have accepted the inevitable , and that is that I always go , irrespective . However , my resolve seems to have hardened . It 's not as though I have a family wedding , or the like , to go to , I have , obviously , kept the day free as I always go to the games . No , I have come to the conclusion that even with an already paid for ticket I would rather stay home and sit on the sofa or be marched ' round Bluewater with Mrs , and Junior , KHA than go to the Valley on Saturday . If this is what we can expect then I 'll probably be reviewing my season ticket renewal this season . My Dad goes away for a large part of the winter , and misses at least six games a season - it 's normally nearer ten . With the ' promotional ' days where the tickets are cheap , the games on TV and the cold evening games that we might both choose to miss I am confident the season ticket will cost more than paying as we go . This and the fact that unless something drastic changes we will be averaging close to half the capacity next season I am hardly going to struggle to sit where I want to - I might even like to move around the ground like my Dad used to do in the 50s , 60s and 70s .
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So , Christmas happened . It was nice and quiet and full of food and movie binging , just how I like it . I made my annual cinnamon coffee cake , there was black licorice covered chocolate and cat - themed socks in my stocking , and Isaiah bought me an Instant Pot and an iPad Pro , which was definitely outside of the Christmas budget we had set for ourselves , but I 'm not complaining . His reasoning was that I 'm going to be at home alone all day ( and all night ) with a baby soon , my iPad 2 is old and slow and heavy and barely good for anything but a paperweight , and with the Pro I can use the Apple Pencil to do artwork and lettering , and who am I to argue with all that ? I made a traditional English fruitcake for the first time this year , too . It was as dark , dense and disgusting as I thought it would be . Maybe it 's just me , but I don 't really enjoy cake made out of mostly raisins and prunes . Isaiah loves it , however , and that was the whole point . This may be the first cake in existence that I have not eaten a single slice . Next on deck , the year 2017 . I can 't complain too much about this past year , there were definitely some highs and lows , but that 's every year as an adult . 2017 is going to be full of a lot of unknowns and new experiences , which I 'm simultaneously excited and slightly nervous about , because who isn 't nervous about walking ( actully , slamming head first ) into something they know virtually nothing about ? I will say this about the new year , however . . . is it just me , or does " 2017 " just sound super futuristic and like how did we even get to this point ? I remember being a kid and thinking the year 2000 sounded like something out of a sci - fi movie and here we are , nearly two decades later and it 's not any less weird . On a related note , I feel super old . I would like Instagram to get rid of the stupid Boomerang feature . If I have to watch one more set of clinking drink glasses or a backwards / forwards flowing waterfall , I 'm going to lose it . I would also like every social media outlet that is not Snapchat to ban the use of Snapchat filters on photos . Trust me , you look better as a person , not a squeaky - voiced giraffe . I would like people to start blogging about real life more , and advertising less . I can count on one hand the number of new blogs I 've found this year that weren 't in existence for the purpose of straight up moneymaking . I get it , if you have a lot of followers the occasional sponsored post is understandable ( as long as it 's for something awesome and not for menstrual pads or fabric softener because really ? ? ) but when one out of ten posts actually relates to real life , forget it . I would like companies to get better hold music . I 've been writing this while on hold with state Medicaid for the last hour and a half , and I 've had to listen to the same three ( bad ) piano / orchestra songs over and over . Can 't we at least get some top 40 or something ? I would like my coworkers to adopt better kitchen and bathroom habits . Nine out of ten times I go in the kitchen , I have to clean up before I can make my food . Last week it was coffee , crumbs and half - and - half spills all over the counter all day , every day . This week it was something white splattered all over the front of the microwave . EVERY week it 's unidentifiable food stuck all over the inside of the microwave and dirty dishes in the sink . I 'm about to make a sign , a ' la Pam Beesly . My boss also had to send out an email earlier this week requesting that whoever is leaving poop smears all over the toilet seats please start cleaning up after themselves ( I 'm not joking ) , because the entire office is grossed out . Not an email you 'd expect to have to send / receive in an office full of adults . I , myself , have had to clean up these poop smears on at least two occasions and one time it was all over the seat , back of the toilet , side of the sink , and toilet paper roll . I don 't know who on earth makes it past 5 years old and doesn 't learn that that 's not okay , but I almost went home sick that day . So , here 's to a cleaner , less poopy new year . Until June , at least , when lots and lots of poop will make a grand reappearance in my life and I 'll be cleaning it up all day , every day . At least babies are cute . My coworkers are not . Reading : Still plugging away at Alicia : My Story by Alicia Appleman - Jurman . It 's a bit of a slow read . Probably because I 've been too busy / tired to read lately , but it 's also one of those books you read and you think you 've read a ton and then you look and you 've only read another 3 % of the book . So , according to my Kindle app , I 'm at about 40 % finished , but I feel like I 've been reading this book for a year . Watch it be one of those where the last 25 % is just photos and such and I 'm farther along than I thought . Watching : I 've started rewatching House from the beginning in the evenings while Isaiah is working . It 's a show I enjoy and can usually stay awake to watch , and if I fall asleep , it 's no big deal because I 've already seen it from start to finish . I enjoy living vicariously through Hugh Laurie because even though he 's a huge jerk 99 . 9 % of the time , sometimes I wish I could get away with speaking exactly what 's on my mind like that . Listening to : My new favorite Christmas album , " Christmas Songs " by Penny and Sparrow . I just love their rendition of Come Thou Fount . It 's on the Spotify playlist I posted the other day , if you 're interested in giving it a listen . Wearing : A constant rotation of Christmas flannel pjs from Old Navy ( well , except when I 'm at work , though I would if I could ) . ' Tis the season ! ! My new pair this year has cats on them . CATS . IN SOCKS . WITH CANDY CANES . They were basically made for me . Smelling : A new oil diffuser we got the other day from a local shop . Our credit union gave us a $ 50 gift card for using them to finance our new Jeep , and lately candles don 't smell like anything but burning wick to me ( even my beloved Bath and Body Works candles , RIP ) so a diffuser seemed like the right answer . It 's a balsam scent , mixed with some other good things like vanilla and mandarin . My nose only picks out pine tree , but that 's fine . Better than straight up burning wick and fire . Even my beloved Marshmallow Fireside candle hasn 't smelled the same , boo hiss . Eating : An apple , my standard first breakfast these days . It wasn 't the best one , if you 're wondering . The skin was too bitter . Creating : A gnome mobile for the kid 's room . I 'm about 2 / 3rds finished with it and I 'm pretty excited about how it 's turning out . Wanting : To stop waking up a million times a night . I don 't know what 's going on with my sleep patterns lately , but I wake up feeling like I got about 4 hours of sleep . Last night , it was raining and hailing so hard on our metal roof that I woke up at least three times from that alone . Laughing at : This Tweet : Feeling : FAT . I 'm told that virtually every pregnant woman goes through a fat stage before you actually start looking pregnant , but I had no idea what a mental game it was really going to be . Part of my brain realizes that this is necessary to grow a healthy baby , but the other part of me , the part who spent the better part of the last two years doing a crap ton of nutrition and fitness research and really getting to know my body and working out really hard to get in the best shape of my life just wants to cry in the corner . Hoping : That everyone in my family likes their Christmas presents this year . I kind of went out on a little bit of a limb with some of them , and hopefully they 're everything everyone was hoping for and dreaming of . If not , that 's why God made gift receipts . Yes , I am actually pregnant , the last post was not a hoax . I 'm a little over 13 weeks along ( second trimester , holla ! ) , with a due date of either June 24th or June 18th depending if you ask me or my baby doctor . According to the ultrasound tech at my dating scan , which they did at 11 weeks , the baby was measuring almost a full week further along . I know my body , however , and I know that 's not really likely . So , I 'm still telling people I 'm due June 24th . If the kid wants to come a week early , fine by me . . . but then , Isaiah is hoping for a July 4th baby . I told him please do not pray for that to happen . No , this is not in any way , shape or form a surprise . The only surprise was that we were finally freaking pregnant after trying for a full year . I 've always felt sympathetic toward people with infertility issues , but now I can empathize , at least a little , with how it feels when everyone and their sister / cousin / best friend / grandmother is announcing their pregnancy and you 're still seeing month after month after month of zero results . It 's like no other disappointment or feeling in the world and my heart and prayers go out to anyone who is publicly or privately struggling . It 's no fun . Yes , I had " morning " sickness ( a . k . a . all day long sickness ) from weeks 6 - 12 but no , I 've never thrown up , praise be to God . I asked my mom , and she said she had the same thing happen with both me and my sister , so I guess some things really are hereditary . She also told me she got a lot of stretch marks , so apparently I have that to look forward to as well . I still feel sick if I don 't eat a snack right before I go to bed and drink a glass of orange juice right after I wake up so my blood sugar doesn 't crash through the floor , but it 's far more manageable than it was for those awful six weeks . Being nauseated from the minute you wake up to the minute you go to bed for a month and a half is just exhausting . But trust me - I am very much counting my blessings that it was only six weeks , and I have a newfound respect for women who spend weeks and weeks and weeks ( or months and months and months ) throwing up before they feel better . No , I have not been an emotional , crying / raging wreck . That 's actually one of several things I 've been expecting to happen that just . . . haven 't . I do occasionally tear up at things I normally wouldn 't , like when Beth dies in Little Women or when I ruined a batch of pancakes or when Isaiah has to work a ton of overtime , but I 'm usually laughing about it two minutes later . I haven 't been overly irritable , either , though maybe ask my husband for the final word on that one . All the stories of pregnant women who scream at strangers for looking at them funny or bawl at puppy commercials . . . that just hasn 't been me . Yes , I was completely and utterly exhausted for weeks on end . When planning to get pregnant , I had all these grand ideas of how I was going to eat only super healthy food and how I was going to work out for at least an hour every day no matter how tired I was . Ha . Ha ha ha . We found out I was pregnant when I was only 4 1 / 2 weeks along , so for the glorious week and a half before the sickness hit , I WAS actually eating super healthy and using the treadmill almost every night after work . Then I started feeling like death warmed over , I could barely keep my eyes open past 1 : 00 in the afternoon ( God bless the doctor who told me up to 200mg of caffeine a day was totally fine if I needed it ) , and the only food I could even think about without wanting to throw up was carbs , carbs , and more carbs . I think I 've eaten more bagels in the last few months than I have my entire life combined . Now that I 'm feeling somewhat normal again , I 'm back to eating a LOT better and exercising , and I 'm so thankful to be back into my semi - normal routine . Selfishly , I 'm trying to make it easier on myself to get back in shape after the baby is born . Un - selfishly , I 'd like to have as healthy a baby as possible and hopefully an easier labor and delivery as well . Yes , we plan on finding out the sex of the baby . I won 't be 20 weeks along until early February , but we do plan on finding out when we get the anatomy scan done . If you know me , you know that I 'm a major planner and there is absolutely no way on God 's green earth I would enjoy keeping it a surprise . I will definitely let you know what we 're having after we find out , but I probably will keep the name to myself until the baby is born . We 've already been told not to " name the baby anything weird , " so . . . So there you have it , folks . That 's what 's been going on in my world lately . It 's been so hard to think of things to blog about without accidentally giving away the secret , but hopefully things will pick back up now that I don 't have to watch every word I type to make sure it doesn 't drop too heavy a hint . I mean , even my " Life Lately " posts have been hard . Here 's what they would have looked like had I been completely , 100 % spur - of - the - moment honest with my answers : P . S . My apologies to anyone who had their hopes up for a " real " DIY project they could copy . I mean , feel free to copy this , but I 'm not responsible for how it turns out . . . All I have left now is to decorate my office at work ( if I have to work for a couple hours on Saturday you better believe it 's going to be spent hanging lights ) and make candy for the neighbors . Sometimes I make jam , sometimes I make cookies , this year I decided to be ambitious and a little bit out of the box and make a few different kinds of candy . On deck are cream cheese mints , peppermint layered fudge , caramel / chocolate covered marshmallows , and candied almonds . I 'll be honest , I 'd be perfectly fine skipping the neighborly gifts this year because only one person seems to actually appreciate it and it ends up being more stressful than it 's actually worth , but at least I get to practice my candy making skillz and probably have leftovers . Anyway , I digress , because the point of this post is really just to give you a Christmas playlist that you can blast while you 're wrapping your own presents or making candy , or whatever . I thought about just posting a playlist for my new favorite Christmas album , but decided that would be a little bit on the lazy side , so I 'm doing a compilation of a variety of my favorite songs instead . ( That album would be Christmas Songs by Penny and Sparrow . . . it 's on repeat and I can 't stop . ) Reading : Alicia : My Story by Alicia Appleman - Jurman . It 's a memoir by a Jewish woman who lived in Poland during WWII . I 'm only 15 % done with the book but I 'm already absolutely captivated . Any memoir from that time period is pretty much guaranteed to suck me in so I 'm not the best objective reviewer , but if you like books about Jewish heroes and heroines during the Holocaust you 'll probably like this one . Watching : The snow falling outside ! If this keeps up we might have a white Christmas for the first time in years . The first one I can actually remember , in fact . My luck it 'll turn to 40 degrees and rain on , like , December 23rd . Eating : An everything bagel with cream cheese . I have been on the biggest bagel kick over the last month or two , and have eaten one almost every single day . Can 't stop , won 't stop . Not Loving : That bagels are like 50 grams of carbs and that 's almost half my carb macros for the day . Anyone have any recommendations for soy - free ( allergic ) low - carb bagels ? Bueller ? Annoyed with : GIFT GUIDES . Oh em gee , every year the ridiculous gift guides . I need some gift ideas for Isaiah for Christmas but every gift guide for men is the most stereotypical thing I 've ever seen . And can we all just agree that a $ 120 bottle of cologne is not a " stocking stuffer " ? ? Creating : My annual Christmas project ! If you 're new - ish around here , you might not know that when I was a regular blogger in years past , every December I would put together some kind of DIY Christmas craft project , list the supplies and instructions , etc . That post should be up in the next two weeks or so . Wanting : All jobs to have winter break / summer break like teaching jobs do . Granted , I get a lot more PTO than teachers ( my sister gets two days , I get two weeks ) so I can take my time off whenever , but it 's certainly not 3 months at a time ! My sister is using her 2017 summer break to go to China for six weeks with a friend . CHINA . FOR SIX WEEKS . I haven 't had a straight six weeks off work since I was fourteen ; in other words , since before I got my first job . In case you 're counting , that 's almost twenty years ago . Laughing at : This cartoon that my brother - in - law sent Isaiah yesterday . Because it 's SO TRUE . My sister 's cat is exactly like this with me . Feeling : Annoyed with Facebook , as usual . You leave one " please help me with this tech issue " on an app company 's Facebook page and next thing you know people are asking you about it and you had no idea your comment was even public . Just when you think everything is private . . . nope . As I 've said a bajillion times before , if it wasn 't the only way to communicate with family members who don 't believe in e - mailing vs . Facebook messaging , I 'd be out . Hoping : That all my Christmas shopping will be done in time . Getting ideas from my mom and sister is like pulling teeth . I think next year I will suggest that we give them both money and they give us an equal amount of money and we call it good . Wishing : That I was a better blogger . I was telling this to a friend today . . . that I think I 'm more in love with the idea of blogging than I am blogging itself . I 'm naturally a pretty private person - I prefer to email or text with a few close friends rather than share everything about my life with the internet . It makes it hard to think of things to write about . Liberty : That quality of government , that brightness of mind and spirit for which the Pilgrim Fathers braved the seas and Americans for two centuries have laid down their lives . Today , while religion is suppressed in perhaps one third of the world , we Americans are free to worship the Almighty as we choose . While entire nations must endure the yoke of tyranny , we are free to speak our minds , to enjoy an unfettered and vigorous press , and to make government abide by the limits we deem just . While millions live behind walls , we remain free to travel throughout the land to share this precious day with those we love most deeply - the members of our families . My fellow Americans , let us keep this Thanksgiving Day sacred . Let us thank God for the bounty and goodness of our nation . And as a measure of our gratitude , let us rededicate ourselves to the preservation of this : The land of the free and the home of the brave . " October ended . I am okay with this - October is not my favorite month . We don 't have pumpkin patches or apple orchards or Starbucks PSLs ( which are gross anyway ) and I 've been wearing cardigans and flannels since August but it was dry enough to take a few crisp autumn walks and the leaves did actually change and stick around for more than . 294 seconds this year , so that 's fun . Halloween happened . I honestly couldn 't care less about Halloween - it 's not a holiday we celebrate , I can buy candy any time I darn well please ( because I 'm an ADULT ) and I believe people should put their babies in costumes at least once a week all year long , so Halloween is a non - event for me . That said , I do find it slightly amusing that the two people at my job who actually dress up are the kind of people who I suspect would wear their respective costumes every day of the year if it was socially acceptable ( one is an actual Wiccan who always dresses like a witch , the other is a very . . . interesting . . . girl who has a Halloween mask stapled to her backpack 24 / 7 and wore a red wig with ram horns and a trench coat ) . I tried to get photographic evidence but the office I 've lived in at work for the last year doesn 't provide great photo - taking opportunities . I did manage to get a kinda lame shot of Ram Horn Girl walking down the back alleyway past my window , though . We bought a new car . Neither of us have ever owned a vehicle newer than 2004 , and while we 've been perfectly satisfied with older , less expensive vehicles - Isaiah 's Ford F150 is also a 2004 - my Jeep Liberty had about 215k miles on it and was starting to need repairs about every other month . As older vehicles do . So , it was time to retire it and buy something newer , with low miles , that is also kid - friendly so sometime in the next few years we 're set and not needing another new vehicle that will fit car seats . We looked around , test drove a few different crossover SUVs when we were in Anchorage , and finally settled on a new / used 2015 Jeep Cherokee with only 12k miles on it . I guess we 're one of those " Jeep families " now . I originally thought the new Cherokees were fuuuuugly but they 've really grown on me , plus they are crazy comfortable . I think my favorite thing about it is the remote start . . . partially because it 's nice to let your car defrost for 15 - 20 minutes before you actually have to leave , and partially because I feel safer walking to my car with it already running when there are bears potentially in the area ( the noise and all ) . The election happened . I am absolutely beyond thrilled that Hillary Clinton lost . She 110 % deserves the defeat . I am also extremely disappointed that Donald Trump was the one to beat her , but hey . I didn 't vote for either of them . As I said to a friend earlier today , if he is the second coming of Ronald Reagan I will be ecstatic and so happy to be proven wrong about who I believe he is ( and is not ) . If he is the next Putin , my hands are clean . Did I mention I 'm SO HAPPY Clinton lost ? And no , I 'm not turning off comments on this post because I am secure in my beliefs and opinions and if you disagree and think she was the next Jesus , that 's fine . You 're wrong , but that 's fine . Daylight savings also happened . Can we just all agree that it needs to be a thing of the past ? Like . . . yay , I get to drive to work in semi - daylight for another few weeks ( until sunrise starts not happening until 9am again ) , but it 's also almost dark when I get off work now and I get off at three thirty in the afternoon . I 'm looking out the window right now and the sun is already going down and it 's TWO O ' CLOCK . I 'm pretty sure that 's not actually helping any farmers anywhere . I think that 's about it for current events in my world . Less than two weeks and I 'll be on a plane to see my dear mother and sister , and I am beside myself with excitement . As I mentioned in my last post ( if you can remember that far back ) , my mom has no idea that I 'm coming and I cannot wait to surprise her . My sister and I are already planning a Thanksgiving menu and I 'm in charge of the decor ( yessssss ) and Ijustcannotwaitohmygoodness . Reading : The Light Between Oceans by M . L . Stedman and Between Shades of Gray by Ruta Sepetys . So far so good on both of them ! I haven 't met a WWII historical fiction yet that I don 't like , so Sepetys is hitting the spot once again . Eating : Angie 's Boom Chicka Pop candy corn flavored popcorn . Usually I 'm a peppermint - or - die girl but it looked too good to pass up at the grocery store , and it 's delicious . Plus , I have to wait another month or so for peppermint to be in season . Fun fact : I actually very strongly dislike actual candy corn , but this flavored popcorn is okay . I just have to tell myself I will NOT buy a bag every other day , or come January I 'll be having to go to the gym twice a day to get that popcorn back off my midsection . Hating : That I have to get my hair trimmed about every 7 - 8 weeks and while normal people would charge for an actual trim , ohhhh no , in Sitka you pay for an actual haircut even if you 're only getting half an inch trimmed off . When I got my hair cut from shoulderblade length to what it is now in Seattle , I paid $ 80 plus tip . When I got 1 / 2 " of hair trimmed off at a salon here in Sitka about a month and a half ago , it was $ 65 plus tip . What the eff , mate . Annoyed with : My job , for so many reasons . I cannot wait to quit someday . Who are these people who just LOVE their jobs , anyway ? How do you do that ? Yesterday I had a coworker asking me all kinds of questions that I didn 't really know the answer to , because she was literally afraid to ask the people who would actually know because they 're apparently always rude to her . I work in an office full of menopausal women so I 'm not surprised , but it 's frustrating nonetheless . Wanting : This t - shirt ! It 's a tradition that we ( me , Isaiah , his brother / wife ) go to the movies every Christmas Eve . Last year was , obviously , the new Star Wars movie . This year is the next Star Wars installation but it 's a side story that I don 't care too much about so I figure this t - shirt would make it more fun to watch . New clothes make everything less boring , right ? Plus , it has my birthday on it . Laughing at : The Ben Shapiro Show . You can listen to his podcasts for free almost every afternoon , and it 's all political ( so if you hate politics , don 't bother ) and all very depressing but he manages to make everything kinda funny . I mean , if you can 't laugh at 2016 , what can you laugh at ? Feeling : Tiiiiiiired ! ! ! ! The days are getting shorter and I actually drove to work in the dark this morning . It 's only a matter of a few weeks before sunset is at 3 : 15 in the afternoon and every year I just feel so unprepared for the darkness . It makes me want to be in bed by 7pm like a toddler . Wishing : That we could have a complete do - over for this election . We have , quite literally , the two worst people in America running against each other and one of them is going to run the country . I want to speak with the people responsible for this and give them a good punch in the face . Anticipating : Normally I would skip right over Thanksgiving and say I 'm anticipating Christmas , but this year I actually get to go HOME for Thanksgiving ! Better yet , my mom doesn 't know I 'm coming ( my sister is in on the secret and is picking me up from the airport ) so it 'll be a surprise , and it 's always fun to surprise my mom with a visit . Last time I surprised her was Mothers ' Day ( 2012 ? 13 ? ) and she cried , and who doesn 't like to make their mom cry happy tears ? ? Three - quarter length sleeves . When are these actually useful ? If it 's cold out , I want long sleeves . If it 's hot out ( ha ha like never ) , I want short sleeves . This in - between stuff is nonsense . That said . . . I almost always roll my flannel shirt sleeves to right below or above my elbows , but I still have the option of long sleeves that way . People who call and leave voicemails but give zero info . If a voicemail consists of nothing but " Hello , please call me back at 907 - xxx - xxxx . Thanks . " I 'm definitely deleting that shiz . This happens to me at work pretty consistently and I have yet to call someone back if I have no idea what their name is or what they want . Last week I actually had a voicemail that said , and I quote , " Please return my call . Thank you . " Hard nope . Unnecessary cursing . Now , I 'm no stranger to a good old fashioned curse word now and again , but I do my best to keep it at a minimum ( you try not letting one slip when you grab a stainless steel pot from a 400 degree oven without an oven mitt ) . What I can 't stand are completely random curse words thrown into blog posts / titles , conversations , e - mails , texts , etc . for no good reason other than to . . . what ? Sound cool ? Fail . When the title of a blog post is " Books You Need to Read Right This F * * * ing Minute , " I probably won 't read any of those books or your blog post either . Drivers who slow to a crawl before finally flipping on their turn signal while turning . Those people do realize that a turn signal is there to alert other drivers well in advance before the turn actually happens , right ? A turn signal is not an " I 'm turning rightthissecond " signal . Pet / baby Instagrams . Just . . . why ? Who are these people who subscribe to a photo feed of nothing but a stranger 's dog / cat / child ? Before the birth of social media , people would have considered that stalking . The misuse / overuse of the term " bucket list . " A bucket list is a list of things you haven 't done , but would like to do before you die . Example : " Summiting Mount Rainier is on my bucket list . " Therefore , can we stop calling every single list a bucket list ? All these " fall bucket lists " I 'm seeing floating around . . . I mean , if carving a pumpkin or buying a plaid blanket scarf is something you 've never done but really would like to accomplish if you think you might die before Christmas , then more power to you , but otherwise can we just stop ? Websites that suggest things but don 't provide links . I was reading an article today about alternative websites for Etsy sellers to list their products . Not one of the five websites the author listed was linked , which means if I 'm interested in any of them , I have to Google to find their website . Yeah , it only takes an extra 30 seconds , but it 's annoying . Bloggers do this also . " I bought this super cute and totally affordable new jacket , you should buy it too ! " And then they don 't give you the link to go look at it , which means I have to go to the store website and try and search for it myself , which is completely irritating and half the time I can 't find what they 're recommending . Twitter accounts with nothing but Instagram links . I mean . . . what 's the point ? If I want to see someone 's photos , I 'll follow them on Instagram . I ran across a Twitter account yesterday that was literally ( and I use that term literally ) nothing but Instagram links . Why ! ? I feel the same way about Pinterest links automatically posted to Facebook . I mean if you WANT me to unfollow you , then by all means . . . What 's annoying you lately ? Show me I 'm not alone with my cranky old lady opinions ! And while you 're at it , get off my lawn and turn down your music . So , I didn 't expect to have writer 's block so soon . I guess most of the time I just feel like I don 't have much to write about . I wake up , shower , go to work , go home , either hang out with my husband or if he 's working ( most of the time ) , do some chores / cook food / crochet / Netflix , then go to bed . I eat sometimes , too . Wash , rinse , repeat . I guess I could start doing weekend recaps but nobody really likes to read those , including myself . Isaiah 's going back to night shifts tonight , which always sucks . He was supposed to finally have his turn to work weekdays / day shift and have weekends off ( something that hasn 't happened since last fall sometime ) but due to never - ending staffing issues , he had to go back to night shifts . He technically has weekends off , but since he 'll be working Friday nights , he 'll have to sleep most of the day on Saturdays . So we really only get Sundays off together . I guess one day a week is better than zero days off together for months at a time , like we 've dealt with in the past . I finally got my Etsy shop back up and running . I know , so cliche . I was mostly ready , I just needed some decent daylight hours to take some pictures . Photos aren 't easy when your house gets almost zero natural sunlight . We have about one hour every afternoon where the sun comes in one of our living room windows , but our house is situated on a hill directly above another house , and the neighbors ' roof is blue metal . So , every picture I try to take ends up with a dark blue tint , which is super fun to try and edit later . God bless Photoshop , but my pictures will probably always be subpar until we move someday . Work is work is work . I really have nothing to say about it at this point , other than Halloween and Christmas are coming up which means boxes upon boxes of decorations from the 1990s will be pulled out and vomited up all over the office . Always a treat . Since August 7th , there have been 5 bear attacks in the vicinity . None within town limits , thankfully , although I 'm just waiting for that to happen as there have been multiple reports this last week or two of bears in people 's yards , breaking into cars and chicken coops , hanging out on porches , and charging bicyclists alongside the road next to one of our parks . I don 't know why people even go outside this time of year . I will say , though , as terrified as I am of bears ( they 're literally the only thing that gives me nightmares ) , I had to laugh at this . Sounds like straight up bear thuggery and vandalism to me . + We went camping glamping at a cabin last Sunday evening . In the past , I 've always dragged my feet at the idea of staying a night in this particular cabin - not because I 'm opposed to camping or sleeping other places than my own bed , but because we live less than five minutes away from the campground where the cabin is situated . It just always seemed like a weird idea , to go sleep on an uncomfortable wooden bunk with no electricity in a place within walking distance from our nice comfortable king sized bed and Netflix . I 've always believed that if I 'm going to camp , it 's going to be because that 's the only option . But it was ridiculously fun . There 's a wood stove inside , a fire pit outside ( which we didn 't use because it was raining , whomp whomp ) , and it 's within eyesight of the river where the salmon are currently running . They 're also dying and generating an absolutely lovely smell , but that 's the ciiiiircle of liiiiife . We went to the gun range on the other side of the campground and practiced shooting , we played cards , cooked sausages in the fire , made Oreo s ' mores , and read by the light of our headlamps until we fell asleep . I even walked to the bathroom in the pitch black despite my bear - phobia ! It helped that Isaiah stood guard with a shotgun , but still . Proud moment . + Every day lately , right around noon , my office at work floods with the smell of gasoline and oil , presumably from the gas station next door . It 's AWFUL , it gives me almost an instant headache and makes me want to vomit , and I don 't know what to do about it . I don 't even open my window anymore , and my office still reeks . I almost had to leave work yesterday , it was so bad . + Words cannot express how little I care about Brad and Angelina 's apparent split . And by " how little I care " I mean I don 't care at all and I don 't know why anyone cares , honestly . It 's Hollywood , where marriages last approximately 4 . 6 seconds on average and cheating is just what you do because fame and fortune means you don 't actually have to have morals or standards . + I got a new tattoo this week ! You might think I 'm a little ridiculous , but I love it . Cat lady street cred , level up . + It 's the first day of fall , if you haven 't been made aware by the approximately 439 , 826 memes circulating the internets today . In my town , it 's 53 degrees , pouring rain and the wind is gusting . In other words , it looks and feels exactly the same as mid - July . This is why I can 't relate to all the excitement around the " changing of the seasons . " Just give me Christmas already . Reading : The Bassoon King by Rainn Wilson . I have to be honest , it 's a little " meh " so far . I 've absolutely loved reading his depiction of growing up in Seattle , but once he moves to the east coast for acting school , there 's a lot of name - dropping and talking about his bohemian lifestyle / Baha ' i faith , which I can 't really relate to at all . I 'm about halfway done and hopefully he starts talking about The Office soon , because truthfully it 's the real reason I picked it up in the first place . Wearing : All camo , all the time . I don 't know what 's gotten into me but in the last 3 months I 've bought a camo t - shirt , a pullover , and a zip - up hoodie . I tried to find a camo jacket during our recent Anchorage trip but came up short ( what are malls even good for anymore ? ) . Instead , I settled for a plain olive green anorak - style jacket from PacSun , which is a great store to go into if you want to relive your high school years . Loving : Iced coffee . It doesn 't have to be July and 90 degrees outside , I 'll drink the iced stuff year - round . I drink it cold more often than I drink it hot . Lately I 've been wishing I could just mainline it because the days are getting darker and I 'm just so . dang . tired . all . the . time . Hating : Razors that are too dull to use after only two weeks . With all the scientific advancements these days , can 't someone invent a never - goes - dull razor ? I 'd pay good money for that . Laughing at : The police blotter , always and forever the police blotter . It 's not quite as amusing now that Isaiah has the inside scoop to most of the stories and they 're usually not as funny as you 'd think , but I still get a kick out of them . Most recently , a man called to report himself for accidentally passing a school bus with its red lights flashing . Apparently he felt really bad about it . Feeling : If I 'm being honest , a little bit frustrated that since my return to blogging , I can 't seem to find any good new blogs to read that aren 't all about babies / kids . I love my mom - friends but when you don 't have children and everyone 's blogging about diapers and breastfeeding and toddler antics , you just feel really left out . There 's only so much I can comment on when I literally cannot relate to a single second of someone else 's parenting adventures . Hoping : That I 'll get into an autumn mood soon . I want to be excited about pumpkins and candles and scarves . I really do . My heart just isn 't in it yet . Wishing : That my full - time job ( s ) could just be baking and crocheting . I know there are ways to turn your hobbies into your job , but finding a way to do that while living in a ridiculously expensive island town is harder than it sounds . I waitressed all through college and I used to dream of the day I could have a desk job with my own computer and shop for office decorations instead of non - slip black shoes and polo shirts but now I 'm over it . Anticipating : Camping this weekend ! We live about 5 minutes away from a campground but have never really made it a point to go stay there for a night . There 's a cabin there that we 've rented for Sunday / Monday and I 'm going to be spending the whole time trying not think about the fact that it 's right next to a river , it 's salmon spawning season , and the bears are out in full force . + For years , I have had this issue where nail polish makes my nails split and peel for weeks after I take the polish off . Yes , I have tried a thousand different base coats , cuticle oils , nail serums . . . you name it , I 've probably tried it or something like it . I don 't get it . . . my nails are generally really healthy and grow pretty fast but the minute I paint them , all hell breaks loose . I 've even tried using nail polish strips like these and they do the same thing . I haven 't tried Jamberry yet , does anyone know if those strips are made out of real nail polish or not ? I couldn 't find the answer to that question on their website . Better yet , does anyone sell Jamberry that could send me a sample to try before I waste money on yet another nail polish - esque item that doesn 't work for me ? + I made this quiche for dinner last night . It was delicious , if I do say so myself . I did add mushrooms along with the roasted red peppers and broccoli , and swapped out fresh rosemary instead of chives . It was pretty simple , especially for having a homemade crust . I made it in my tart pan , which made it easy to cut and serve . They suggest an 11 " pan but I only have a 9 " , and it was fine , I just had a little bit of egg mixture leftover that wouldn 't fit . I didn 't change any of the other measurements . + I can 't decide if it 's funny or irritating when a client tells me they don 't owe a bill because it 's " a year late " , even after I 've sent no less than FOUR past due statements . Sounds like a convenient excuse to me . In what world do you not owe for services you 've utilized just because a year has passed ? I 'm going to start ignoring bills from the doctor and wait until a year has gone by and then tell them I refuse to pay because it 's been a year since I was in the office . Eye roll . + Why does Anthropologie have to be so expensive ? ? Their new fall home collection is absolutely to die for , but I don 't have tens of thousands of dollars just laying around to redecorate with . Looks like there may be some DIYs in my future . + I 'm in the middle of my annual autumn slump . While everyone else in the country is rejoicing over cooler temperatures , pumpkin everything and a closet full of sweaters they haven 't gotten to wear in six months , I 'm over here mourning the summer we never had . I just can 't get excited about flannel sheets and boots and fall scented candles yet . Give me until about mid - October , then I 'll be ready . Ready to start busting out Christmas music and pinning cookie recipes , that is . Most of them tend to be a little slower and more dark and mellow than , say , the 90 's and 2000 's music I posted last time . Enjoy , and if you like the Kaleo song , check out the rest of his album specifically . It 's one of my current favorites ! + Anchorage last weekend was fantastic ! It was nice to just get out of town for a few days . If you live in a small town in the middle of nowhere or on an island or both ( like me ) you know how important it is just to get away for a break sometimes . Trip highlights : Hiking Mt . Eklutna , the Alaska State Fair , test driving potential new vehicles to replace our Jeep with 215K miles on it , and allllllll the shopping . We crammed both the hike and the fair into the first day we were there ( after getting up at 3AM to catch our flight ) , and I 'm glad we did - it was 70 degrees and partly sunny . The rest of the trip ? Almost constant rain . Figures . I was unimpressed with Target , however . They were out of so many things ! They only had XL / XXL in most of the clothes we liked , their shoe selection was abysmal , and every toiletry / beauty item I wanted to buy , that 's the one they didn 't have restocked . I don 't know if this is just an Alaska thing or not , but we encounter the same problem in Sitka constantly . + The iPhone 7 was announced yesterday . Color me unimpressed . " Fastest yet ! " " Best battery life yet ! " " Best camera yet ! " Um , it better be , considering it 's a brand new iPhone . Also , they did get rid of the headphone jack . At least they 're including a lightning port adapter in the box so those of us who live in the Stone Age can still use our regular headphones . + I still have not gotten my Etsy shop back up and running ! Our house is basically a cave and so I have to wait for just the right amount of light to take photos , otherwise everything looks like garbage . My goal is to have it reopened by October 1st . That gives me a little over three weeks to finish making some new stuff and take pictures / write descriptions of everything . I did make a new shop banner , though . Progress . + I have to share something . While we were in Anchorage , Isaiah and I went to Cabelas and bought a new Glock 43 / 9 mm compact handgun . Currently , he 's carrying it as his new off - duty firearm until he orders one for himself , but then it 'll be my new concealed carry weapon . The only reason I 'm sharing this is because I 'm a firm believer in complete and total Second Amendment rights , and I can 't help but feel a sense of American pride when I look at our growing collection . It 's really nice to know that we don 't have to rely on anybody but ourselves to protect our home and family ( and maybe others someday , who knows ) . + I saw this recipe online the other day and I 'd like to reiterate my feelings . You already know how I feel about things like toast , iced coffee , ice cream sandwiches , etc . became labeled as " recipes " but this is another pet peeve . That sushi " burrito " is literally just a regular sushi roll that they didn 't slice up into bites . Seriously , people ? This is like the Hollywood movie era of online recipes . There are no more original ideas . + At the risk of broaching a fairly controversial story that 's been in the media lately . . . I 'll just say a quick " amen " to this article . You do you indeed , Colin . ( Even if " you " are an " asshole " . ) + I got a haircut yesterday . . . in Sitka . . . And I didn 't walk out feeling like I could have cut it myself and done just as good of a job ! I guess that 's the other bonus to having a super short haircut - it 's hard to mess it up . Although I 'm not thrilled with the price of a haircut in Sitka . I paid this salon almost the same price I paid the salon in Seattle to take my hair from mid - back length to the pixie cut I have now . . . and I only got a half - inch to an inch taken off yesterday . Where I 'm from ( reality ) we call that a " trim " and it shouldn 't cost the same as a full - on brand new hair cut and style . The price of beauty , am I right ? + Speaking of hair , I sprayed hairspray directly into my right eye this morning . I don 't know how , but it happened and trust me , don 't ever do that . First , it stings like a mothertrucker and second , now my eye feels cloudy and like I have the biggest eyelash ever stuck to my eyeball . Working all day at my computer is going to be just so fun . + I get to go to Anchorage for the first time tomorrow ! 7 years in Alaska and I 've never once been to the mainland . So , Isaiah has the weekend off , it 's a long / holiday weekend and we had air miles to use so we figured . . . why the heck not ? On the list to do : the Alaska State Fair , eat at all the restaurants , go to all the stores ( REI ! Cabela 's ! The mall ! ) , and go for at least one hike . + If you ever need therapy but can 't afford a therapist , I highly recommend volunteering at your local animal shelter . If dogs are your thing , offer to walk dogs . If cats are your thing , offer to go in and play with the cats - especially if there are kittens that could use some human socialization . There have been TWO litters of kittens at our animal shelter lately and since it 's an extension of the police department , Isaiah has keys and therefore unlimited access to the shelter any time day or night . We may or may not have been to visit the kittens at least five or six times over the last couple of weeks and we may or may not have stayed at least two hours every single time . I feel like they 're ALL mine and every time one gets adopted I 'm thrilled they found a home but I also feel a bit like one of my children have been kidnapped . But seriously though - therapy , I 'm telling you . I bake a lot and I 've learned how to tweak just about any recipe , but I really had no idea if I could do this or not . I ran out of baking powder when I was wanting to make a waffle for dinner , but I have a huge box of baking soda so I really wanted to know what would happen if I just swapped it out . Apparently you can substitute , but you also need to increase the acidity in order for baking soda to work . So , if you mix 2 parts cream of tartar with 1 part baking soda , you have homemade baking powder . I recently decided to go ahead and make my Instagram public , but I wanted to know if there was a way to delete followers just in case . My search led me into learning that you can 't delete fake followers , but you can block them , and then they 'll disappear from your followers list . Perfect . Self - explanatory : I needed to know how to hard reset my Garmin sport watch . It locked up and none of the buttons nor the touchscreen were working . I got it fixed , in case you were wondering . I was looking for song lyrics , I promise . There 's this song I used to jam out to in my car when I was in college and I couldn 't for the life of me remember the rest of the lyrics or the singer , so that 's what I had to work with . It ended up being " Ladies " by Sarai . I cannot remember why I ever liked her , other than that one song is a smidge catchy . This was , however , the first time I 'd ever watched the video . If I didn 't know better I would think it was a parody . We were out to eat the other night at a restaurant WITH A FULL BAR ( all caps because I am incensed ) and they told me they " cannot make a Long Island Iced Tea but we can make you a John Daly - it 's similar ! " First of all , when you have a FULL BAR , how do you not have the ability to make a Long Island ? Second of all , a John Daly tastes nothing like a Long Island , which is why I ended up Googling it to figure out what exactly was in it . For the record , it 's lemonade , iced tea , and a little bit of vodka . Basically an Arnold Palmer with a tiny splash of booze . Not even close , dude . I 'm still irrationally upset about this because THEY HAVE A FULL BAR . I was trying to convince Isaiah that we could kidnap a few of the kittens from the animal shelter before their new owners come to claim them and when the animal control officer asks if we know where they went , we could make that face . He hadn 't seen the meme so I had to find it . I still think it would work . Besides needing to look good ( what ? ) , we also wanted the packs to have a separate water bladder compartment , a top lid compartment , mesh side pockets , and personally , I like to have a waist strap on my pack to keep it from moving around too much on my back while scrambling up a mountainside . We also didn 't want them to be too big , because bigger means heavier . We searched for hours . Days . WEEKS , even . It 's actually really hard to find a pack that hits all the points on your list and also doesn 't cost $ 100 or more . Finally , we came across one that stood up to scrutiny . 1 . ) A water bladder compartment . This pack separates the water bladder compartment from the rest of the pack with a removable foam pad , and has a small velcro strap that fits through the top of the bladder to hold it upright and keep it from sinking down into the bottom of your pack . It also has a small drainage hole toward the bottom in the back , just in case your water bladder happens to leak or sweat . The drinking tube then fits through a small hole at the top of the pack and you can run it either left or right , depending on which side you like to drink from . 2 . ) A top lid pocket . Not only does this backpack have the top lid with a zip pocket , the whole thing can actually be stuffed into the lid itself , which makes it ultra packable and small for traveling . At first , I wished the top lid had a little bit more structure to it , since it tends to slide down a bit if you put anything remotely heavy in it ( I have my headlamp , sunscreen , bug spray and band - aids / moleskin in there ) , but I 've gotten used to it and it 's really not that big of a deal . 3 . ) Mesh side pockets . There are actually two of these , one on each side of the pack . They 're perfect for anything you like to keep handy on the outside of your pack - energy bars , an extra water bottle , a multi - tool / knife , a cell phone or small camera , etc . Isaiah has even been carrying a compact pair of binoculars while we hike and the side pocket works perfectly for those . 4 . ) Waist strap . This backpack does have a simple , unpadded adjustable waist strap , and it also has a sternum strap . I don 't typically use sternum straps because they cut right across the center of my chest - and as a woman , that doesn 't work so well - but Marmot actually did something pretty cool with this backpack . They made the sternum strap adjustable vertically , not just horizontally , so I can slide the strap higher up toward my collarbone if I do want to use it . Front of the backpack . Yes , that is a Smokey the Bear keychain ! 1 . ) Built - in emergency whistle . It 's built into the clip that attaches the sternum strap , and while it 's probably not the best emergency whistle out there , it 's certainly handy to have ready and available just in case . 2 . ) Trekking pole attachments . We don 't usually carry trekking poles on our day hikes , just because we are rarely out for more than 4 - 5 hours , but the loop attachments are still a nice feature for a small day pack . I currently have a multi - tool clipped to one of mine but will definitely use it for trekking poles next time we go on a longer hike . 1 . ) Lack of mesh padding ( or any padding ) on the back panel . One thing I do wish that Marmot had designed a little differently on this pack is the addition of at least a little bit of padding , preferably with a mesh covering , on the back panel . If you don 't have a water bladder inside , the removable foam sheet helps a little bit , but if you do have the bladder inside it lays directly against your back . It 's not uncomfortable necessarily , but you can feel it - and since there is no mesh , either , my back tends to get a little bit more sweaty than it normally would if there were any kind of airflow . Instead , it 's just rip - stop nylon laying directly on your back , which isn 't exactly breathable . The pack description says it 's an " airmesh " back panel , but it doesn 't really feel a whole lot different than the material that the rest of the pack is made from . It could be better . 2 . ) Lack of any internal pockets . I love the pockets that this backpack already has - the two mesh side pockets , a small mesh zip pocket on the front of the bag , and the top lid compartment - but I would really appreciate the addition of at least one small internal pocket , either open or zipped . Instead , there 's just one big giant compartment inside , which means you can 't separate smaller items from bigger ones . I usually carry my coat , a rain shell , an empty dry bag , my backpack rain cover , bear protection ( a gun ) , and a few other smaller items . Because it 's just one big compartment on the inside , all those items get mixed up together . Again , not the end of the world , just something to be aware of . I 've considered stitching my own pocket onto the inside and if I end up doing that , I 'll update this post . 3 . ) No included rain cover . With more expensive backpacks , a lot of times the manufacturer will include a rain cover that fits the pack perfectly and usually stashes away in its own little pocket on the bag somewhere . We 've used these backpacks in light / medium rain before and they seemed to do okay . They weren 't soaking wet inside , but in heavy rain for an extended period of time , since they 're just nylon , I can 't see them being very waterproof . We ended up buying our own rain covers ( these , size small ) separately . Another option would be to buy a bag liner ( or just use a trash compactor bag like we do in our 75L backpacks ) . Main internal pocket . Overall , though , these backpacks are pretty darn good . And , bonus - I was able to hunt one down online that was in a color I actually liked ! So many backpacks are just black or gray , or very stereotypical " girl " colors like purple and hot pink . One word of advice : Definitely shop around if you 're considering buying this backpack . On the Marmot website , they 're $ 59 . 00 but I was able to find ours on Moosejaw for $ 47 . 00 ( at the time ) . I don 't see my aqua colored one anymore , but Isaiah bought the gray / red one and it 's really nice too . Let me know if I can answer any more questions about the backpack for you ! I 'm hoping to do periodic reviews of our favorite ( or not - so - favorite ) hiking and backpacking / camping gear . I know when we 're shopping around for gear it 's nice to find extensive reviews that consist of more than just " It 's great ! " or " It 's terrible ! " , so I 'm hoping to help contribute a little bit myself .
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Category : 16 - Tonga Posted on October 2 , 2009June 18 , 2017Welcome to Tonga The second day of our passage from Niue to Tonga was definitely one of the best days of sailing we 've had since we left Seattle three years ago . In the end , though , we never did catch up with Dreamtime . As it turns out , Neville is as competitive as we are and told us yesterday that he spent more time trimming his sails for the three hours after we goaded him on the radio than he had in the past 3 months sailing across the South Pacific . All in all it was a fabulous day of sailing and a nice passage overall . The wind died both nights and we had to motor , but that kept the swell down and the seas flat for nice sailing during the day . We arrived in Neiafu yesterday morning and were instructed to tie up to the commercial dock to check in . Seven of us had left Niue at the same time , and others were sailing down from the northern Tonga island that had been wiped out by the tsunami , so the dock was busy . We side tied to Nine of Cups , which made the officials happy since they could knock off two boats at the same time . All the Tongan officials came aboard , filled out the required paperwork and asked us to come ashore later to pay our fees . We left the dock and found an empty buoy in the head of the bay . We 're in the Vava ' u group of Tonga , which at first look appears like it will live up to the reputation as one of the world 's spectacular cruising grounds . It 's a limestone cluster with high flat islands in the north and a group of tiny islands at the south end . There are numerous waterways within , all protected by outer reefs which keep the seas flat and calm . The island group is 25 kilometers north to south , and 21 kilometers wide east to west . There are about 100 boats here in the harbor of the main town , and probably as many more in the other anchorages . Yachties spend months here every season , moving back and forth between the remote anchorages and the harbor at Neiafu to reprovision . Reprovisioning was our first order of business yesterday after we got the dink launched and headed into town . There are two big grocery stores here , and as we walked out of the second the only thought on my mind was that we were gonna lose a lot of weight in the next two months . The absurd prices and mystery French food in the Bora Bora stores had kept me from doing much shopping there before we left there , and the shelves in Niue were bare because the supply ship was 3 weeks late . When we arrived I was warned by our friends from the Swedish boat Hokus Pokus that the stores held little of interest . They were right . We found some great fresh veggies at the produce market , some beer at the " Chinese store " , and a can of mystery milk . With those supplies in our bags we headed back to a local yachtie hangout for some drinks and dinner . After being told for the third time that what I wanted to order wasn 't available , the waitress finally admitted that they were waiting for a supply ship , which was scheduled to arrive last night . Thank goodness . Luckily the shopping here isn 't as grim as we first thought and today we 're headed in again for some supplies . First , though , I 'm going to try and figure out what the can of milk is that I bought . I didn 't have my glasses on and only saw the Carnation logo - I expected it to be either evaporated or condensed milk . This morning I see the label says " Cap Bunga " and " Krimer Kental Manis " . I have no idea what language this is , so even the babelfish site is going to be of little use figuring this one out . Tonga is here Posted on October 2 , 2009September 28 , 2010Tsunami Update We have arrived in Tonga and have been re - acquainted with many friends of the past couple of years and even more tsunami stories . When I was a kid we used to call these tidal waves . Everyone is quick to point out they aren 't related to tides and should therefore be called ' tsunami ' . Since ' Tsunami ' is Japanese for ' Harbor Wave ' I don 't think it 's any better - a tsunami is a wave practically undetectable out in deep water and only becomes a wave as it approaches shore . Since it becomes apparent in a harbor or tidal zone it seems like either name should work , but we 'll stick with ' tsunami ' . We saw our friends Rob and Marjo of the Dutch sailboat ' Taremaro ' along with Heinz and Silvia of the Austrian sailboat ' Gallathe ' who were both in Niutoputapu , Tonga . Niutoputapu was the hardest hit area of Tonga with 90 % of the town wiped out by a tsunami . Fortunately they were leaving early to head to Vava ' u , ' Taremaro ' was in the pass leaving the harbor when the earthquake struck , ' Gallathe ' was raising their anchor . Both boats made it to deeper water . After ' Gallathe ' went through the pass they looked back and watched the harbor drain of water to the point the pass they had just left through was high and dry ! The inrush of water pushed both boats back toward shore but they were able to overcome the current and stay offshore . When the wave entered the harbor the sailboat ' Happy Spirit ' hadn 't made it out the pass before it went dry . As a fifteen foot wave approached across the harbor they were heard on the VHF saying they were going to lose the boat . Fortunately , the wave didn 't break or drive them back toward the beach . They were able to ride over the wave , escape , and are now happily on a mooring here in Vava ' u . The saddest tsunami report for us personally is of Dan on Mainly , who was swept away trying to free his boat from the wharf in Pago Pago . Joan , his wife , was able to motor the boat to deeper water until it was safe to return to the wharf . Ironic that both Joan and the boat were unscathed . Sad that she discovered his body when they brought it to the morgue at the local hospital . Sad . And of course , we shouldn 't forget that over 130 other people who lost their lives , mostly due to the tsunami . No matter how much time , energy , and money we spend preparing for our adventures , securing our homes , and protecting our loved ones , it is humbling to find it all overcome in a heart beat by a simple act of nature . The devastation and havoc from one earthquake is staggering , the human toll unfathomable . Rob Posted on October 3 , 2009June 18 , 2017Niue Piggery We posted a photo of a billboard for a Piggery on Niue on the Baba Cam a few days ago . When we first saw it I was perplexed why a pig would be present for a haircut . Teresa cut my hair on the boat while we were there , no pig was necessary . I then realized all items were special occasions . On Niue an ear piercing is a ' coming of age ' event for young girls . So all items listed are special events for which a pig is offered . Since the first item is a pig for sale I wonder if the follow on items are something different ? Pigs for entertainment ? A dancing pig ? A pig circus ? Having never been to a hair cutting or ear piercing we really can 't be sure , but I suspect all listed events bode poorly for the pig involved . Niue is here Posted on October 8 , 2009September 28 , 2010Ready to Explore Vava ' u We 've been here in Tonga for a week now and I keep hoping to leave the anchorage and do some exploring . Today , when I was positive we 'd be able to drop the buoy , the refrigerator bit the dust . We don 't have a lot of food in the freezer , but what we have we just can not replace in Neiafu . We 've proven this week that finding food here is quite the challenge . Turns out that the ferry that sunk here in Tonga last month was the regular supply ship for this island , so they 're now basically on rations that the other ship can bring . We spent two full days going to every single store on the island . At each one 99 % of the things would be exactly the same as the last store , but then one special item would be on a shelf in a corner covered in dust , making it worthwhile to keep trudging along to the next store . I came home at the end of the day with two shopping bags full of stuff . Now Rob 's working on the fridge and hopefully he 'll get it working well enough to hold together until we can get whatever repair parts we need shipped in . I did discover the other day , though , that I have been in Polynesia way too long . As we walked past some public restrooms I read the sign next to the door . In my head , I wondered if " mahlay " was boys or girls . When I looked at the other door at it said " faymahlay " , I realized that I needed to quit trying to make English words into Polynesian , and just go into the door that said female . If we get out of here tomorrow we 're going to join friends at a traditional Tongan feast at an outer island . This is a very popular event here in Tonga and will include lots of yummy grub and Polynesian song and dancing . Here in Tonga they also perform a kava ceremony , which entails drinking ground up kava root and water . It 's reported to look and taste much like dishwater , and is described as an aphrodisiac . We 'll see how that goes . This afternoon my wonderful sister was kind enough to sit on the phone with Alaska Airlines for an hour and book a flight home for me at Thanksgiving . My skype connection wasn 't up to the task , but she and I could IM while she talked to the agent . I 'm now the proud holder of a round trip ticket from Majuro , Marshall Islands to Seattle that cost $ 65 and 60 , 000 Alaska Airlines miles . Rob got the last trip north so he 's going to stay with Maya while I get some family time at home . Why Majuro and not Auckland some might wonder ? More on that later . Yohelah is here at Neiafu , Tonga Posted on October 13 , 2009June 18 , 2017A Real Tongan Feast When we left Neiafu Harbor last Saturday we planned to attend a Tongan Feast at Barnacle Beach . There are two feasts for the tourists every Saturday night and we , along with our friends John & Nicole on Gannet chose to attend the less crowded one that reportedly had better food . The other one is in a very popular anchorage where the yachties hang out here in Vava ' u . We arrived Saturday afternoon and could not raise the folks at Barnacle Bill 's on VHF , so John dinghied over to the beach , only to find out that they didn 't have a feast planned for that night . OK , well there 's always next week we all thought . In the meantime , our friends Marcy & David on Nine of Cups had sailed to a nice remote anchorage on the island of Nuapapu and stopped in at the village of Matamaka . For the past week in Matamaka four young children from two other cruising boats had been attending school with the Tongans . Marcy was introduced to a local family and spent the day touring around the village , while David used his electrical engineering skills to repair a solar panel in the house of one of the schoolteachers who had been without power for a month . During their visit they learned that on Tuesday the sixth graders would begin a series of exams that would determine if they were allowed to continue with their publicly funded education into middle school . Six children in Matamaka were taking the exams this year , including Roxanne , the oldest daughter of Fa ' aki , the woman Marcy had met . If she did not pass her exams the government funding was over , and Fa ' aki could not possibly afford to send her to private school . For the Tongan people , this is a very important event , worthy of a true Tongan Feast . Lucky for us , Fa ' aki invited Marcy & David to return on Tuesday and join them , along with a few friends if they wish . One of the fundamental beliefs of the Tongan culture is the notion that you should share your blessings and wealth , and by inviting some of the visitors to their celebration they got to do just that . We were absolutely thrilled when Marcy called us on the VHF on Sunday and told us to extend the invitation to Gannet and join them at Matamaka on Tuesday morning . A particularly nasty weather front arrived late Monday night , and we woke Tuesday to wind and rain . We initially considered skipping the feast , but the pouring rain subsided and we quickly up - anchored and headed the six miles over to Matamaka . Marcy had told us that we should bring some baked goods to contribute to the feast , as baked sweets are a rare treat for the Tongans in this small village . We each also found some small gifts aboard for Roxanne , including some jewelry and hair accessories . At 1 : 30 we headed ashore , where we were greeted by Fa ' aki and several of her six children . The men were invited to participate in the Kava circle , and Rob will write about that . The women were busy preparing the food for the feast and setting up the eating area in the community center . Marcy , Nicole and I watched and played with the children and took lots of photos . When the six children were done with their exams we were invited to sit together at the table near the school principal / teacher , the government official who was there to proctor the exam , and one of the four pastors from Matamaka . The men came in from the porch and joined us and the six children at the feasting area . An extensive blessing was given by the preacher sitting near us and we began to open the bowls and containers of food and truly feasted . Throughout the feast individuals stood and spoke , each presenting a passionate and emotional oration . Occasionally the speaker would conclude with a snippet in English for their guests to help us understand the gist of the tale . Fa ' aki spoke at length about the need for the Tongan people to understand that their children were their future and they needed to ensure that they were as well educated as possible . The school teacher spoke of the Tongan culture and explained to us a bit about how respect is one of their primary beliefs . We just chowed , and chowed some more . There were heaps and heaps of food - some recognizable and some completely a guess . Rob & I tried to sample a little of everything , and found nothing that we wish we hadn 't tasted . At the conclusion of the speeches and feasting , the men and students left the seating area and the seats were quickly taken by the mothers and children who had been standing by while we ate first . Trust me , there was plenty of food left over , including three entire small pigs that hadn 't been cut into at all . Absolutely no one left that room hungry , that 's for sure . Today the guys went ashore early with tool bags in hand to help out with some more electrical and mechanical repairs . Between David 's electrical training , John 's mechanical experience after a career with Caterpillar and Rob 's electrical experience as a marine electrician , we can happily say they were 5 for 5 on repairs . Tomorrow they 'll return and finish up some projects and mount some solar panels and extend some wiring . The village has no electricity whatsoever , so they wire solar panels directly to batteries in the house for lights at night . Marcy , Nicole and I got out the photo printer and printed up many gorgeous pictures and took them ashore to share with Fa ' aki and the villagers . I think I 've written before about how often the yachties seek out the " local experience " , and not getting very far off the well beaten path this year has made that challenging for us . When we first arrived at Neiafu we found the Tongans to be much more reserved than the other Polynesians and we did not expect such a warm welcome . We certainly never expected to be sitting around a real Tongan feast listening to the marvelous people of Tonga speak . What they said was in Tongan , but what we heard was a universal voice filled with hope for their children and pride for their people . Yohelah is here at Matamaka Posted on October 15 , 2009June 18 , 2017A Tongan Feast and Kava Ceremony We arrived shortly after noon for the Tongan feast . We wondered through the village with our hostess , Fa ' aki , and several of her children . Ben , her husband , met us half way , apologizing for not greeting us . Ben and Fa ' aki were the host family for today 's feast and were busily preparing and organizing food . We continued wandering through the village , a series of houses , public buildings , and churches . Nicer buildings were concrete , houses were a combination of brick walls , wood slats , and corrugated tin , sometimes all on the same house . Most houses were surrounded by extensive gardens , both food and flowers . No need for a landscaper here , the locals did a beautiful job . Dogs , pigs , and even horses run free . Most of the houses were fenced , with a section of low wall to allow people to cross into the yard . I initially thought it was to keep the dogs out , and was amused when they hopped over with ease . I don 't think I 'd ever actually seen a pig stile before but I remember them from childhood stories . They work well keeping the pigs out of yards , and nobody ever has to yell at the kids to shut the gate . The six of us from Nine - of - Cups , Gannet , and Yohelah were the only non - villagers there . We arrived at the community center , a large , empty shell of a house built from concrete with a few broken windows and flopping doors . The weather is mild enough here that few of the buildings have working windows and doors . Often fabric does the job well . You 'd look at the community center and most of the houses and think , " hmm , could use a little paint … " , but while there isn 't always spare glass to fix broken panes or spare money to buy enough paint to do the whole village , everything is clean . As we walked in I noticed the woven mats on the floor and the beginnings of the food spread , placed down the middle of a forty foot run of mats laid end - for - end . David and John headed for the back porch , I followed . There were a dozen men on the porch , sitting cross legged in a rough circle . They opened up the circle , allowing us to join them . At one end of the circle was a large wooden bowl with legs carved from the same piece of wood as the bowl . Two of the legs were broken and had been replaced with sections of PVC pipe . The liquid in the bowl looked like weak coffee with milk . There was a metal ladle clinging to the edge of the bowl . As I sat I noticed two things about the circle of men drinking kava . The first was that the three of us palangis were the only ones actually sitting on the ground , everyone else was sitting on one - piece plastic chairs with the metal legs removed . The other was the head of the circle wasn 't the kava bowl . While the bowl may have been the focal point , the head of the circle was at the other end , where the village chief sat . Tongan men wear western style shirts and a ta ' ovala , or plaited mat , around the waist , over a longer kilt called a vala or tupenu . The social standing of elders is shown by the style and richness of the ta ' ovala . In our circle , all men were wearing collared shirts of brightly colored fabrics ; most of the ta ' ovalas were basic tan woven mats . The village chief was wearing a brighter ta ' ovala of purple fabric over a tupenu of dark blue . His look was finished off by a pair of very dark sunglasses . He was bracketed by two of the five church ministers in the village , equally well dressed but with plainer ta ' ovalas . You could have plopped the three of them down on a red carpet in LA , added a few gold accessories , and passed them off as a famous rapper and his retinue . I 'm sure the thought would appall them all . One last thing about the circle , the men were seated in order of social standing . The older men were around the chief , at the other end were the younger men . When we asked how the server was chosen , expecting some complicated selection process based on an ancient reward system , we were told it was whoever got there first and wanted to sit in front of the bowl . The cups were half - coconut shells . A round of drinking was started by the chief , who would throw his cup across the middle of the circle , sliding it up to the bowl . This would prompt everyone else to toss their cup into the circle and up to the bowl . Everyone knew which coconut half belonged to whom , with the cups filled and passed back in order . Kava is not sipped , but rather gulped , most cups emptied in one swift motion . Having heard so many stories about the awful taste of kava , I did take an experimental sip before I committed to upending my coconut shell . It wasn 't bad . It tasted a bit like a slightly bitter tea . After upending the cup it took a few short minutes for my mouth and throat to feel numb . Strange but I felt like I was ready for the dentist . Having never tried kava before , I have no idea how a day of drinking would feel ; I managed three rounds and did not proceed past the numbing of mouth and throat . The locals seemed a little unsteady as they came and went , but none acted overtly intoxicated . Communication was slow . The older gentleman to my right would only nod politely but not actually speak to me . Actually I didn 't hear him speak English to anyone , so perhaps my lack of Tongan was the problem . On my other side was one of the church ministers . He looked a bit like Eddie Murphy and our conversation was a series of brief mumbled comments spaced out over enough time I 'd forget we were having a conversation . If I had to ask more than twice for him to repeat himself I 'd resort to nodding politely and pretending I knew what he 'd said . I did learn his church was very similar to our Methodists . He asked me if I was Christian , or … after a long pause , a heathen . His mischievous grin gave him away , but I was still happy to report I wasn 't heathen . Most of our conversation and information came from Moses , a local school teacher who David had helped the day before with the solar panels on his house . Moses was young and outgoing with a giggling laugh . He was a lot of fun and very informative . He answered many questions about Tongan society and the people of his village . He also let us know the kava ' ceremony ' had started at 9 that morning . We joined about half past one . I think that explained a few things , including the slow pace of conversation . We sat on the porch for a couple of hours , watching platter after platter of food go by . Since our levels of narcotic - induced euphoria did not match that of our hosts , us three palangis had a lot of time between conversational lapses to watch the food deliveries and ponder solutions to the world 's woes . At one point the kava bowl arrived at an alarmingly low level , a situation rectified by a youngster showing up with a bucket of kava which was strained into our bowl . Whew ! Disaster averted . Yohelah is here at Matamaka Posted on October 15 , 2009June 18 , 2017The Three Fix - It Guys When Rob , David & John headed back in to Matamaka at 9 : 30 yesterday morning to complete the last of the repairs they were pretty confident that they would be finished up by 11 : 00 . Marcy , Nicole and I planned to come ashore then and say our goodbyes to Fa ' aki and Ben and thank them for sharing the wonderful feast . About 10 : 45 Rob called on the VHF to report that the three little jobs left behind the night before were nearly done , but many new items had been added to the list . Apparently when a village of not very mechanically or electrically skilled Tongans realizes they have three very talented palangis with tools in hand , they 're smart enough to get all they can from the opportunity . Around 12 : 30 the guys came back out to Gannet for lunch and the six of us went back in , thinking they were near the bottom of the list . Earlier in the morning two televisions , an inverter ( brought over from another village ) , a chainsaw , vhf player and two more generators were added to the repair list . Where the previous day 's success rate had been 5 for 5 on repairs , some of the new items added more complexity and challenged their skill sets . And there was definitely some excitement to be had when the case of the chainsaw was opened up and about 20 cockroaches came scurrying out . The preacher of Ben & Fa ' aki 's church asked if they could make " one last stop " to repair the generator at the church . They had not been able to have any evening services for a long time , so off the team trudged back up the hill to the church . Once that generator was purring again we headed for the dinks at the beach . As we passed the tiny village store a Tongan man stepped into the path as asked the men to please look at his generator . The look on his face was one of pleading , and David replied " of course we can " with a big smile . When we saw him take a nearly brand new generator out of the store everyone was surprised . John examined it and quickly found it plugged in several places from dirty fuel . About that time we joked amongst ourselves that maybe the only way free of the village was to split up and run serpentine back to the beach ! The sun was starting to head for the horizon , and the guys were rightfully getting a little tired out . None of us had thought when we left our boats that we would need anchor lights on before we got back . In the end , the three fix - it guys have much to be proud of and show for their two days ' labor . Many houses and churches that had been dark were now lit , the store could cool foods in the freezer again , families could enjoy movies together , and solar panels were pumping amps into batteries all over the village . All in all it was a very productive and interesting stop at Matamaka . We learned much about the Tongan culture from our hostess and made friends that we hope to come back and visit again . Gannet and Nine of Cups have returned to Neiafu , where Gannet is now waiting for a weather window for the passage to New Zealand , while Cups plans to leave for the Tongan island group of Ha ' Apai further south on Sunday . We are just across the bay in a very well protected and secluded anchorage enjoying a quiet and restful afternoon . The boat is here Posted on October 22 , 2009September 28 , 2010Heading North When we left Seattle three and a half years ago we knew that at the end of our second or third year we would need to make a work stop . Our plan has always been to stop in New Zealand , and when we were in Bora Bora I made a few inquiries with some tech recruiters about work in New Zealand . The response was positive with plenty of work available , and when I started researching pay scales the reason became obvious . As one recruiter told me , " you don 't come to New Zealand to make money - you come for a lifestyle " . Hmmmm . Even with a reduced cost of living , there would be little in the bank at the end of two years . So we 've decided to make our work stop back at home . It 's a long uphill schlepp back into Puget Sound , but worth the trip we think . We 'll get as far as the Marshall Islands now to get out of cyclone season here in the south pacific . Then in the spring after the winter storms in the north pacific settle down , we 'll head up towards the Pacific Northwest . A stop in Hawaii would have been nice , but the requirements for rabies prevention are different than in New Zealand , so we can 't keep Maya out of quarantine there . We know three boats wintering there this year and it would have been nice to join them , but no go . Sunday we 'll drop our buoy and head north again . We 've got 1 , 700 miles to travel to Majuro , the capital of the Marshall Islands . We have to pass through the South Pacific Convergence Zone , where the southeast trades bump into the equatorial easterlies , causing areas of significant convection ( squalls with lightening and thunder ) . The passage consists of an area of about 1 , 000 miles with little to no wind , until we punch through into the northeast trades in the northern hemisphere . What we 're trying to do is get up there before the winter westerlies fill in , which would give us headwinds into Majuro . That leaves us with lots and lots of good - byes to make before we leave here . Many of the friends we made in the last three years are either heading south to New Zealand or Australia , or hunkering down here in Tonga or Fiji for cyclone season . It 's hard to say goodbye to so many people and not get to sail to New Zealand like we had always planned . But a lot of things have changed in the last three years , and economically not for the better , so it 's really best we change plans and head home for a couple of years . But like Rob says , we 'll be the only cruising boat in Seattle that 's ready to go , and we can leave again whenever we want . Hopefully it 's not too long before we go again .
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Posted by Andrew Azzopardi20 / 05 / 2012 Only because of her nose do I realize who this is : the Afghan woman whose disfigured face graced the August 9 , 2010 , cover of Time magazine . Her Taliban husband and in - laws punished her for running away by hacking off her nose and ears and leaving her for dead . She became a symbol of the oppression of women in her war - torn country . Wearing skinny jeans , UGG knockoff boots and a pea coat , she carries the swagger of any self - absorbed American teen . Her long dark hair flows thick , smooth and enviable . Her makeup is impeccable - barring one small flaw . It doesn 't perfectly match the shade of her prosthetic nose . Aesha watches Bollywood films on her computer but also tunes into videos about her past and the torture of other women . Only because of her nose do I realize who this is : the Afghan woman whose disfigured face graced the August 9 , 2010 , cover of Time magazine . Her Taliban husband and in - laws punished her for running away by hacking off her nose and ears and leaving her for dead . She became a symbol of the oppression of women in her war - torn country . In sunny Southern California , she bounced between lavish homes in gated communities . She was trotted out at a pricey gala dinner in Beverly Hills , where she debuted her prosthetic nose , a preview of what the surgery would do for her . She walked the proverbial red carpet , met Laura Bush and was honored by California 's then - first lady , Maria Shriver . There is the 5 - year - old who was raped by two men before being thrown into a river . The woman forced to marry her husband 's killer , who then brutalized her , killed one of her children and made her wear a suicide vest . And , most recently , there is the case of Sahar Gul , the 14 - year - old girl who was found in a Baghlan province cellar after enduring months of torture and rape . Women for Afghan Women was founded in April 2001 . It operates seven shelters that have served more than 4 , 000 women and girls . The group has also trained more than 65 , 000 people in Afghanistan to understand and respect women 's rights . The rights and well - being of Afghan women collapsed when the Taliban took official control of the country in 1996 . The militant Islamic organization , which once harbored Osama bin Laden and shares close ties with the al Qaeda network , was officially ousted from power after the United States and its allies invaded in response to the September 11 , 2001 , terrorist attacks . But the Taliban still reign in large swaths of the country - including the southern region where Aesha was born . But in the weeks that followed , the women in New York say , Aesha fought with families who took her in . She missed the women she 'd lived with in the Kabul shelter . She had episodes where she shook , went stiff and her eyes rolled back in her head . She bit herself , screamed and pulled out her hair . She had to be hospitalized . Doctors determined she wasn 't yet stable enough for the grueling reconstructive surgery . By November 2010 , the California foundation couldn 't care for her anymore . So Women for Afghan Women stepped in again . When she appeared on the cover of Time , the accompanying story explored what U . S . troop withdrawals from Afghanistan would mean for women there . The headline next to her mutilated face said , " What happens if we leave Afghanistan . " I wanted to focus on what happened after Aesha left Afghanistan - the complicated , messy business of saving a life . When I approached Women for Afghan Women for this story , the organization would not allow me to interview Aesha , nor could CNN film or photograph her . So I decided to tell Aesha 's story through the people working with her . My chances to observe her sporadically in New York over the next eight months - by far the most telling moments - were pure happenstance . The organization 's decision to allow Time to photograph Aesha in 2010 was calculated and deliberate . The group wanted to influence the conversation about U . S . troop withdrawals , and Aesha was its best chance . She became the poster child for the 15 million Afghan women and girls it fears will be brought to their knees , again , if troops leave too soon and the Taliban regain control . The women who cared for Aesha said she didn 't need the added pressure . They acknowledged that putting her out there publicly served an initial purpose . But with all the challenges Aesha faced , they said , fame was a distraction . They rolled their eyes when noting how quickly she learned to love the spotlight , which she tasted in Kabul and gobbled up in California . Now , among her pastimes : She Googles herself . There 's no manual on how to help someone like Aesha . But Hyneman and the others who cared for her - including her therapist , whom I would interview - were employing every tool they could to help her heal and attain the skills she needed to navigate her new world . A year into that effort , though , the one thing they could not give Aesha would drive her from their grasp , and they would be left to make sense of her choice : Was it an impulsive decision made for the wrong reasons , a risk that might threaten her well - being ? Or a measure of success , an act of independence ? The second time I see Aesha in the Queens office , it 's early May 2011 . Women for Afghan Women has enlisted volunteers to teach her English and math . But she doesn 't seem as flawlessly put together . Her hair is disheveled , her makeup less perfect . She 's not wearing her prosthetic nose . I 'm typing away on my laptop when she spots me . She races to find paper , grabs a pen and hunches over a nearby desk . A minute later she bounds toward me , her smile wide , her eyes expectant . She thrusts out the paper with the command , " Look ! " At a small kitchen table in her ground - floor apartment , Aesha is tackling what her teacher calls CVC words - consonant , vowel , consonant - like cup , mop , hat . Colorful pictures , workbooks and writing papers are spread between them . On a counter nearby is Aesha 's pillbox ; it holds the meds meant to even out her erratic moods . Ariela Perlman , 26 , works with emotionally disturbed fifth - graders and is one of two volunteers teaching English and math to Aesha . The task is compounded by how sheltered Aesha 's life was . She was illiterate even in her native language , Pashto . For that reason and others , her teachers must customize her lessons . A typical alphabet book , for example , would feature an X for xylophone , something Aesha has never seen . So her book features photos of people Aesha knows or magazine cutouts of items she uses : K is for Kelly , who works in the Women for Afghan Women office ; P is for pen . She has had to learn far more than language . Aesha didn 't know there are days of the week . She 's had to learn not to litter , how to board a subway and use a laundromat . Born in a village in southern Afghanistan , Aesha was given away by her father to settle a family score . Her uncle had killed someone in a Taliban family , and she was offered up for marriage as payback . In other words , the crime committed by her uncle was paid for with her body . She 's said her in - laws beat her and forced her to sleep with the animals . When she ran away after several years , she was caught , tossed in prison for months and then retrieved by her father - in - law . The Taliban court , she said in a 2010 CNN interview in Kabul , ruled that she should be mutilated for dishonoring her husband 's family . Naheed Bahram , the group 's 31 - year - old program coordinator , recalls the time she suffered a migraine in the office . As Bahram clung to the toilet vomiting , Aesha swept up and held her hair , gave her water and gently massaged her head . That night , she phoned Bahram to check on her . Aesha 's other math and English teacher , Jessica Whitney , won 't allow cuddling but lets Aesha hold her hand or arm when they 're walking . She conducts most lessons at the office , but also thinks Aesha needs to be stimulated and get outside . She makes their outings into lessons in motion . She points at signs , quizzing Aesha on letters . She gestures toward a passing car or clothing in a window - and asks her to name what they 're seeing . Though she 's pulled muscles in her back and legs pushing her " giant little girl " on a swing , she says she uses the time to make Aesha practice counting . Whitney , 26 , sees great potential in her student and an eagerness to learn . Aesha tells people she plans to go to college and become a police officer . She wants to protect women . Although her living expenses have been covered by a special fund set up for her by Women for Afghan Women , Aesha thinks the organization is withholding money . She 's a celebrity , Afghan community members tell her . She must be wealthy . That could not be further from the truth , Hyneman says . Never before had the New York office worried about one person 's 24 / 7 care . A year ago , Hyneman said the Aesha fund only had enough donations to last five more months . Grant money earmarked for programming , she said , could not be used to bankroll Aesha 's needs . Aesha flips through fashion magazines and emulates what she sees . She loves high heels , especially those cluttered with glitter , bows and fake jewels . A small collection lines a wall in her bedroom . Whitney has tried to talk to Aesha about practicality , about buying the sorts of shoes that will last . On one outing to replace a froufrou pair that had fallen apart , Aesha picked a toned - down version of what she usually likes , but still shiny , black and with some glitz . Whitney saw the price and knew there 'd be trouble . Whitney held up one shoe , said it was $ 20 . She held up the other , also $ 20 . Aesha insisted she 'd have both . Back and forth they went , until Aesha stormed out of the shop , fuming . In California , Aesha moved around , playing the role of guest in home after home . Here , Hyneman and the others want her to have her own home , one that doesn 't change . But they don 't want her to be alone , especially at night . So they 've hired someone to live with her . When her first roommate threw a party to help her meet people , Aesha kicked everyone out . When another took Aesha to a movie she didn 't like , she fled the theater . When a third refused to clean up after Aesha , she grew enraged . Hyneman says Women for Afghan Women just can 't pay people enough to stay . And even if the group was flush with cash , it might not be sufficient . One former roommate said she wouldn 't stick around for a million dollars . She screams " hi " and waves to strangers . The music of an ice cream truck sends her running . When she sees a swing set , she races to play . Struck by the contrast in her appearance from when I first saw her in January 2011 and then again that May , I ask the women who care for her : Why isn 't Aesha wearing her prosthetic nose ? Is it an indication of newfound confidence ? Maybe it 's a call for attention ? Or could it be a sign of turmoil , a psychological slip downward ? She often asks when she 'll have her surgery . She believes her life will start over after her face is restored . They can only tell her it 'll happen when she 's ready . In California , Aesha began to display what was later diagnosed as psychologically induced " faux seizures . " Between those and her tantrums , it became clear she wasn 't emotionally prepared for the reconstructive surgery . It will be a lengthy , painful and complicated process involving skin expanders in her forehead , deep cuts , as well as bone , cartilage and skin grafts . Hyneman says no one expected Aesha to regress the way she did after she arrived in the United States . In early 2011 , Hyneman witnessed a terrifying episode . Aesha threw herself down , banged her head on the floor , pulled her hair out in fistfuls and bit her fingers . No one could stop her . Hyneman called 911 . Aesha was hospitalized for 10 days . Her medications were evaluated and changed , and she turned a corner . A team of doctors , working pro bono , was assembled to care for Aesha . Hyneman says she also was seeing specialists who work with survivors of torture . No one at the Libertas Center for Human Rights at Elmhurst Hospital Center in Queens would talk about her case . " I really hope at some point she 'll be a functioning young lady that had a terrible trauma . I want it so badly for her . " - Shiphra Bakhchi , psychologist A search for Pashto - speaking psychologists in New York will yield no results , Bakhchi says . That 's partly because mental health isn 't even a field of medicine where Aesha comes from . But the psychologist 's Farsi and Aesha 's Pashto work : " We understand each other perfectly . " Over breakfast on a Thursday near her office in Manhattan , Bakhchi describes Aesha as a highly intelligent young woman whose smarts don 't just show in her learning ; they come through in the way she manipulates others and pushes their buttons . She hurts people before they can hurt her . She lives in " survival mode . " Beyond post - traumatic stress disorder , Bakhchi says , Aesha has borderline personality disorder . Research is mixed as to whether a stressor such as Aesha 's brutal disfigurement can trigger a personality disorder , she explains , but she believes it can . There 's also a chance , though , that her disorder existed long before the attack . Environment and genetics are thought to predispose some people to borderline personality disorder . It is marked by instability in relationships , moods , behavior and sense of self , according to the National Institute of Mental Health . Though not as well understood as bipolar disorder or schizophrenia , the illness affects 2 % of adults , most of them young women . Twenty percent of hospitalizations in psychiatric facilities are tied to borderline personality disorder , but with time and help many sufferers can transform their lives . Bakhchi says the disorder is responsible for Aesha 's volatile behavior and black - and - white thinking . In Aesha 's worldview , a person in any single moment is either evil or an angel . Her moods swing impulsively . One minute she 's cuddled up on a lap , the next she 's screaming . " I really hope at some point she 'll be a functioning young lady that had a terrible trauma , " Bakhchi says . " I want it so badly for her . There are a lot of people who care about her . She couldn 't be in better hands . " Aesha sees in Yalda Afif many things she wants for herself . She was drawn to the young Afghan caseworker the day they met in the Women for Afghan Women office . Afif 's mother called , and Aesha snatched the phone to say hello . She 's come to know Afif 's family members in New York and treats them as her own . The two young women shop for beads in Manhattan so Aesha can make jewelry to sell in local salons . They 've run around Times Square and visited museums . Afif , 23 , wants to take Aesha on a ferry to the Statue of Liberty . They make heaps of food , throw dance parties with friends in Aesha 's apartment and sometimes agree in advance to dress up in traditional Punjabi clothes . They chat on the phone every night . Aesha , Afif says , has a giddy crush on an actor in one of the Indian dramas she watches . Through her example , Afif hopes Aesha understands that families can be loving . She wants Aesha to learn about respect , patience and modesty . She wants her to be proud of her native culture and her Muslim faith , to strive to be " a good Afghan girl . " But the two knew very different Afghanistans . Afif was born in Kabul , not a Taliban - controlled village , and had a father who insisted she go to school - an impossibility for Aesha . Afif 's father pushed her to pursue her dreams and achieve what she deserves . Someday Afif would like to return to her country and open a women 's university . Though they spend a lot of time laughing together , Afif also listens to Aesha 's anxieties . Aesha worries about a younger half - sister who 's been promised to the same Taliban family . Afif fantasizes that the sister will one day join Aesha in New York . In late 2010 , Aesha 's father - in - law was arrested for his role in her mutilation . Authorities said he held Aesha at gunpoint and ordered five other men - including her husband - to cut her . The father - in - law was released last July , however , reportedly because he didn 't do the cutting himself and because Aesha is no longer around to pursue the case . Afif wants Aesha to share her faith in America . They can walk around freely without being questioned . They 're so lucky to be Afghan women living here . When I last visited Queens , I arrived on May 2 , 2011 - just days after Aesha kicked out her latest roommate . This sudden turn of events , and the quandary it presented , pushed Esther Hyneman over the edge . She launched what became an epic blowout . " No , it 's fuck you ! Fuck you ! " she yelled back . " Repeat after me : Fuck , fuck , fuck ! If you 're going to say it , you need to say it right ! " But it 's two days after the argument , and Aesha isn 't laughing . She 's holed up in her apartment , moping . Hyneman asks Afif to come with us to see Aesha , to translate . The women are worried that she 's still reeling from the fight . They 've also got big news to share . Aesha opens the door wearing wine - colored and embroidered Punjabi clothes . She turns back toward the living room and drops onto her dark brown sofa . On a laptop beside her , one of her favorite YouTube music videos - " Naghma Pashto Lovely Nice Song " - is queued up for play . It 's early afternoon , and she looks like she just woke up . Her hair hasn 't been brushed . A space heater on the large Afghan carpet blows on her , and she wipes the place where her nose once was . Aesha takes her hand from Afif , bows her head and starts rubbing her temples . She says she has a headache . Afif reaches out , smoothes Aesha 's hair and rubs her back . We leave the apartment just before she starts watching TV . When Hyneman and I return hours later , Aesha is with one of her teachers . She has changed into a white silk blouse and black jeans . Her hair is brushed , and her eye makeup is painted on thick . She may not have read books or articles that detail how the terrorist leader gained power and found allies in her home country . She never attended classes that explain why the Taliban secured a foothold and derailed a future that could have been hers . Aesha 's understanding is simple : A " crazy " man , one ideologically connected to those who hurt her , is gone . And for that she 's glad . Activists , donors and dignitaries mill about in exquisite attire , sipping wine and tasting hors d ' oeuvres . They place bids in a silent auction , admiring hand - crafted jewelry , scarves , an Afghan rug . A large gift basket has been provided by the Long Island plastic surgeon who hopes to start Aesha 's surgical process soon . Next to musicians playing traditional rabab music is a large original print of the Time photograph of Aesha . Donated by the photographer , the image has a minimum opening bid of $ 5 , 000 . Proceeds are intended to benefit Aesha 's special fund . No one was sure whether Aesha would show up at this elegant October affair to celebrate 10 years of Women for Afghan Women . Hyneman and the others knew they couldn 't tell her what to do . If they encouraged her to come , she 'd refuse . If they suggested she stay home , she 'd insist on being there . And in reality , they just didn 't care ; it wasn 't about her . But convincing her of this was impossible . She 'd thrown a tantrum earlier in the day , the women told me , saying she refused to be exploited and would not go . Last time she went to a gala , in California a year earlier , she was the featured star . This night is about making the once powerless powerful . It is about bolstering the mission to give Afghan women and girls the tools they need . There are success stories , standing ovations - and not one mention of Aesha . I have not seen Aesha since the day she learned about bin Laden 's death . A lot has happened since then . In addition to her private tutoring , she is now attending English as a second language classes with other Afghan women four times a week - though sometimes she gets sent home for laughing at people 's mistakes . Her outbursts are more sporadic and short - lived . Her black - and - white thinking has grown less pronounced . They are starting to wean her from her medications . " When she first came to us , she was an emotional wreck . By the time she left , she was a different human being . … So we 're all happy if she 's in the right place … but we miss her . " - Esther Hyneman , Women for Afghan Women board member While she 's progressed since I last saw her , in some ways not much has changed . Her political asylum application , filed in early summer , remains in limbo . And the Aesha fund , which no longer draws attention , is drying up . Aesha passes the lip gloss back to Perlman . The two have moved beyond a strictly student - teacher relationship in recent months . In August , Aesha got news that an older cousin of hers had been killed . He had helped bring her to safety after she was brutalized , and she looked up to him . His death , which she learned about from her cousin 's wife , made Aesha long for family in new ways , Perlman says . She doesn 't go entirely unnoticed . A banquet server approaches , wanting to shake her hand . And when she walks across the room to hug her therapist , some stare and nudge their neighbors , not fooled by the prosthetic nose . On the stage , women speak about how change for Afghan women and girls cannot happen overnight . They wonder if expectations have been too high . A videographer standing behind me captures the discussion . Aesha , whose famous image will go unsold and be returned to the photographer , spots the videographer and gasps . She thinks she 's being filmed . She puts her hand up in protest and complains to Perlman . She 'd spent the bulk of that morning and afternoon with Aesha at Elmhurst hospital . Aesha was treated for an ear infection , and then Hyneman accompanied her to appointments at the center that works with torture victims . She dropped Aesha off at her apartment around 4 p . m . This , they all assumed , was simply one of Aesha 's games . She had a funny habit of making out - of - nowhere pronouncements in jest . " I 'm going to Afghanistan now , " she 'd sometimes say . Or , as she walked out of the office , " I 'm going to California . Bye ! " Aesha 's teachers , Jessica Whitney and Ariela Perlman , couldn 't wait to take her the next evening to Manhattan , where they 'd watch the blowing up of the Macy 's Thanksgiving Day Parade balloons . The next week she had another appointment with the plastic surgeon . There was a ticket for her to see her first Broadway show , " The Lion King . " Hyneman learned she was with a couple she had met during a weeklong summer getaway . They were relatives of Fahima Vorgetts , a former board member of Women for Afghan Women and head of the Afghan Women 's Fund , who had hosted Aesha at her home in West Virginia . She 'd welcomed Aesha as a favor to Hyneman , whom she 'd known for a decade and who thought Aesha needed a break from Queens . When Hyneman and the others learned Aesha was gone , they thought she would return after the long Thanksgiving weekend . Even the couple thought she was with them just for a visit . Aesha , however , had her own idea . She planned to stay . Hyneman was initially crushed . For more than a year , she 'd dropped everything for Aesha . She hadn 't traveled to Afghanistan as she usually does . And during rough patches , she 'd slept in the Women for Afghan Women office so she could be closer to Aesha . Still , she doesn 't judge her for anything she 's done . " I was personally really attached to her . She called me grandma . That was irresistible to me , " says Hyneman , who has no children of her own . " When she first came to us , she was an emotional wreck . By the time she left , she was a different human being . … So we 're all happy if she 's in the right place to further her development , but we miss her . " Others in the office were confused by what had happened and wondered if they 'd known Aesha - and her needs - at all . There was plenty of concern about whom she was with , what their intentions might be and how deep the support network would be once the honeymoon phase passed . Some confessed feelings of relief , as the journey with Aesha had become all consuming . Now they could focus on the hundreds of other Afghan women they serve from their Queens office . " At least you can say bye to someone ! " she remembers telling Aesha the first time she called from her new home . " Everything we could do for her , we did . … And it seems she never had any kind of love or respect for us . " " We were picked by the situation , not by Aesha , " Whitney says . She hadn 't had " that organic feeling of participating in picking a relationship . … Family is one of her favorite things to talk about . … We couldn 't simulate the family she needed and wanted . " I barely sleep the night before I see her next . It 's late January , almost a year to the date after Aesha surprised me by barging into the Queens office . I 'm in Maryland , on my way to her new and chosen home . For the first time , I 'll be able to speak to her . But also for the first time , I 'll meet her adopted family . I 've talked my way inside but don 't know how long they 'll let me stay . On the drive to Frederick , about an hour northwest of Washington , I wonder what sort of Aesha I 'll see . Will she be as eager as I am to finally talk ? Or will she see me as a remnant of a past she wants to escape ? Most of all , I want to know : Is she happy ? Mati Arsala and Jamila Rasouli - Arsala welcome me into their modest but well - kept town home , which sits in a sleepy subdivision of tract homes and apartments . Aesha is barefoot and in jeans . Her makeup , no surprise , is perfect . And she 's without her prosthetic nose . She 's more relaxed than I 've ever seen her . With a warm smile , she plays hostess , serving tea she brings from the kitchen . She curls her feet beneath her on the couch , where she prefers to sleep instead of her bed . Aesha saw what she wanted . Back in New York , she launched her phone campaign . Every other night , in the middle of the night , she called Jamila . She griped about her life in New York . She told Jamila she wasn 't being taught English or getting the surgery she wanted . She said she was lonely and wanted to live with them . And as the months wore on , Jamila and Mati understood that they could offer something no organization could . Aesha sets the table while the woman she sometimes calls mother , sometimes aunt , prepares a traditional Afghan feast featuring heaping platters of rice , lamb and chicken kebab . She shows me her bedroom downstairs , which she uses more like a walk - in closet . In the first weeks after her arrival , in the wee hours , she 'd pad upstairs from the couch where she slept to wake Jamila and Mati - complaining of nightmares and headaches . Now she busies herself , while others sleep , glued to her computer . The couple married six years ago ; it is the second marriage for both . Mati , who says he 's " around 60 , " has two kids who are grown ; 46 - year - old Jamila has a daughter who lives with them . Miena , 14 , is an honors student , an athlete and as dependent on her iPhone and Facebook account as she is oxygen . Mati and Jamila had talked about adopting a young child from Haiti or foster care , but now they have Aesha . As their 22 - year - old unwraps a lollipop , they tell her to wait till after dinner . With a grin and a defiant " no , " she shoves it into her mouth . They roll their eyes , and we chat about her stubbornness . She understands everything we 're saying and laughs . In spite of the language barrier , she tries to swap memories with me . Remember the time you came when Osama bin Laden was killed ? Did you like the gala ? Remember how I told Esther " Puck you " ? She wears a ring she says her Afghan friend , Yalda Afif , gave her , but she says she doesn 't miss New York . Sometimes she misses some of the people . She says she 's happy here . At the dinner table , she bends over a piece of paper and begins writing : " My name is Aesha Mohammadzai . " This is her legal name . Earlier , it 'd been spelled Aisha . She writes it confidently and proudly , lower case letters and all . It 's the name that appears on the Social Security card she received soon after she was granted asylum in the United States . Mati says Aesha now receives about $ 280 a month in benefits . Mati and Jamila discuss politics . Jamila , who moved from Germany when she married Mati , loves President Barack Obama and practiced English listening to his speeches . Mati , who 's been in the United States since 1971 , is a dedicated Republican . Aesha pipes in with her preference . Minutes later , I catch her staring at my face . She mutters something in Pashto , and the couple translate for me . Her original nose , she has told them , looked just like mine . Pen to paper , she writes again . " Thank you Jessaie . " They ask me to spell my name correctly for her and she continues . " I love Jessica Jan , " she writes , adding a term of endearment to my name , before crossing out " I love . " On the YouTube page she has up , she begins playing videos . Her playlist isn 't just autobiographical . It includes stories about other girls who 've been gang - raped or mutilated like her : " Afghan Women 's Nose & Ears Cut off by her Husband , " " Pakistan : Fazeelat Bibi 's nose and ears cut off " and " 12 y old girl in Afghanistan victim of violence by husband . " She has watched one so many times she mimics the journalist 's words . Plenty more document her celebrated arrival in America . ABC News ' Diane Sawyer honors her smile and new beginning with " Bibi Aisha Unveils New Nose . " She 's on display with Maria Shriver , cameras flashing , and wearing the prosthetic nose she no longer uses in " New look for Afghan attack woman . " She pulls strands of vibrant beads from a plastic bin . She learned to make jewelry during the months she spent in prison in Afghanistan for running away - before her father - in - law retrieved her and made her pay an even more brutal price for her so - called crime . It was also in prison that she learned to chew tobacco , a habit her doctors say she must kick before she can have surgery . She insists she has . " My heart breaks for her . She didn 't have any time to be a kid . … She 's acting like a kid because she has a chance now . There 's nothing wrong with that . " - Jamila Rasouli - Arsala , whom Aesha calls mother Beyond occasional meetings with the doctors and her four - hour ESL class on Saturday mornings , Aesha doesn 't have a lot to do to keep her busy . Mati , a civil engineer , and Jamila , an OB - GYN in Germany who must complete a residency program in the United States but is now doing pathology research , are away at work . And Miena is in school all day , followed by track practice , plans with friends and homework . I ask Aesha if she 's bored . She doesn 't seem to understand the question . I ask if she 's made friends . " My friend computer , " she says . For months now , Aesha has been off her medications . She 's seen a psychologist three or four times . She can still hold a spotlight with her humor and stories . Then there was the time in New York when a man followed her . As she walked faster , so did he . She was terrified . But then she looked back , and he got spooked . One look at her prosthetic - free face and he ran away . These are the light Aesha moments . But Mati and Jamila have come to know the dark ones , too . The days when they struggle to get her out of bed . The times when anger or sadness washes over her . The moments when she 's incapable of showing gratitude . " She 's a trauma patient , " Jamila says . " If you want to help , you have to have a very thick skin . … There 's no room in her heart for appreciation . " They knew there would be challenges . But they couldn 't turn her away . Mati worries about how and when she 'll ever be able to support herself . They say she wants her own apartment , and they 'd like her to have it . Their job is to make sure her needs are met . To that end , they hope to establish a trust fund for her soon . When she arrived in November , they say , she wore sandals and a thin coat that was too small . She said this was all she had . She told them she only received $ 25 a week for food . They say she couldn 't count to 10 . I remember the pea coat and UGG knockoff boots she wore the first time I saw her . I watched her , a year ago , learning math . I know her food was paid for by Women for Afghan Women . I ask Aesha about the closet full of clothes in her Queens apartment and the collection of shoes that lined her bedroom wall . All of those things belonged to her roommate , she says . I must look dubious because she adds something in Pashto : " This is the truth . " But Mati is done coddling her and wishes his wife would let Aesha do more for herself . To grow , to become independent , she needs to have boundaries , accept responsibility and not get her breakfast prepared for her every day , he says . If they treat her like a child , he continues , she 'll stay a child . CNN 's Jessica Ravitz first encountered the subject of this story , Aesha Mohammadzai , in January 2011 in the Queens , New York , offices of Women for Afghan Women . Aesha had arrived in America in August 2010 , with the promise of receiving reconstructive surgery in California . But when it was determined she was not yet stable enough for the surgery , Women for Afghan Women assumed responsibility and moved her across the country to New York . When Ravitz asked to document Aesha 's journey , she was told there was a media moratorium . No one was being allowed to interview or photograph Aesha . So instead , Ravitz brokered an arrangement in which she could write about Aesha by interviewing the volunteers who were working with her - her English and math tutors ; the imam who taught her about Islam ; lawyers familiar with the asylum process ; her primary guardian at Women for Afghan Women , Esther Hyneman ; and others in the group 's Queens office . Ravitz also interviewed the organization 's executive director , who is based in Kabul , where Aesha lived in one of the group 's shelters for nine months . In November , Aesha was granted asylum . By then , she had also left Women for Afghan Women 's care . Ravitz approached Aesha 's new guardians in Frederick , Maryland , and they agreed to be interviewed . Jamila hears him and understands , " But my heart breaks for her , " she says , her hand on her husband 's . " She didn 't have any time to be a kid , Mati Jan . She didn 't have any time . She 's acting like a kid because she has a chance now . There 's nothing wrong with that . " Here , no matter her age , education or obstacles , she can dream . She can be a police officer who protects women . She can stand on her own . She 's nobody 's poster child here . She 's not a feel - good cause or a PR dream . She 's one human being , released from carrying the weight of others . A towheaded boy races by . He doesn 't notice the grown woman on the swing . He doesn 't see or care that her nose is missing . Since arriving in America less than two years ago , she 's lived in three cities . She 's been showcased like a star and protected like a fragile child . She 's been passed around by well - meaning strangers , embraced by a team of women . And she 's gone after a family of her own . Here , on this swing , Aesha doesn 't carry others ' expectations . She doesn 't need a fairy - tale ending . She can soar on her own . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! 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My oldest , C , was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes ( July 2009 ) and celiac disease ( Sept 2009 ) at the age of 10 and pumps with the Tandem t : slim . In December 2011 , he received his 4 - month - old Diabetic Alert Dog in - training . We occasionally use a Dexcom G4 Platinum . In 2013 , he was also diagnosed with Morphea Scleroderma . * Yes , the Ping is waterproof . Yes , I 've let him swim even with the new one already . No I don 't think it 's a problem . C 's Ping has been in the ocean , many swimming pools , jacuzzis ( oops ! taken off quickly ) , and water slides and lazy rivers at the water park . I completely trust its waterproofness . I later discovered that there was a small tear in the rubber covering the buttons that allowed the water in . I called Animas and a new pump was scheduled to be delivered the next morning . It would end up being about 18 hours later . I tried to get a hold of his Dr . and another Dr . that he 's seen to double check the amount of Lantus I should give . I didn 't hear back from anyone for about 3 more hours . Only 15 hours left until he should be back on a pump . As soon as the pump should have arrived , we were to be jumping in the car and heading to Dodgers Stadium for the game . I did not want to deal with overlapping the Lantus and the pump 's basal . I didn 't want to deal with trying to figure out when the Lantus quit working and the pump started . I would 've been happy to under normal circumstance , but not while we 're out trying to watch baseball and eat stadium food in under the blazing hot sun . I wanted " easy . " This may or may not be for everyone , so please don 't take advice from me … I decided to forgo the Lantus and just give corrections every 3 hours . ( Yes , I checked with his Dr . to make sure they thought it would be ok FOR US ) It ended up going really well and his numbers were suprisingly " in range " ( I 'm calling under 200 " in range " when we 're talking about no basal ) . At bedtime his number was 117 and he wanted something to eat . It would 've only been about 3 / 4 unit of insulin to cover it and he didn 't need a correction . I was torn as to whether or not he should give another shot . I decided against it being that we 'd be correcting soon enough . When I walked in his room carrying a meter , alcohol , a syringe and a vial of insulin I felt fine . I moved his blanket to find his hand and immediately it hit me . My son looking so perfect was falling apart on the inside . I knew his body was being ravaged from that stupid GoGurt he ate . I realized how the pump masks the issue so well . Sure there are highs and lows but they always seem so easily treatable . Knowing there was no pump and no basal , the reality of what would happen if my son didn 't have insulin hit me very hard . My stomach was so tight waiting to see his number 347 pop up and the 0 . 7 right after on the ketone meter . I had to try to wake him from a deep sleep , get him down from his bunk bed and into my room so he 'd wake up enough to give himself an injection ( he did not want to grant me permission to do it in his sleep ) . Two hours later he was in the low 200s with no ketones and had to get up to give another shot . He was hovering around 100 when we woke up and 97 three hours later when we were getting ready to leave for the stadium . It 's really interesting seeing how the body reacts when it 's in shock like that . His numbers were actually super manageable . Not what I 'd expected . p . s . whole other story but … . UPS didn 't get his pump delivered in time for us to have to leave . Luckily I text messaged the rep in Los Angeles who we 've gotten to know pretty well . He met us 15 minutes away from Dodgers Stadium to hand us a loaner pump . What a blessing ! Posted on January 3 , 2011 by Emily D C has not woken up from a low yet . It 's been about a year and a half and it worries me . I have checked him in his sleep in the 50s , the 40s a handful of times and once at 32 . Just sleeping peacefully as though there are no problems . Everyone tells me he 'll wake himself when he 's low , but really … HOW low ? ? A few nights ago I checked him at 3am and his number was 82 . He hadn 't had a lot of exercise and there was no insulin on board . I woke him but he didn 't want juice and asked that I just do it with his pump . I dropped it to - 50 % basal for 2 hours . I normally would 've done an hour tops , but I wasn 't sure I 'd be able to wake up again . In the morning I went in to check him and saw the juice box on his nightstand had the straw in it . The wrapper was right next to him . Panic set in and I tested him … 302 . Once he woke up I asked him about it , he says , " Oh ya , I felt low after you left so I drank the juice . " I told him he 's " GOT to wake me up in that situation … what if he kept dropping lower ? ? We could have a serious problem . " His answer ? " I doubt that was going to happen . I felt pretty hungry so I went to the kitchen and ate the rest of the taco shells . " hahhaha ! I am sooooo glad he got up and took care of things . He wasn 't technically ' asleep ' but 3am sleepiness is pretty close to asleep . I feel like he has a little more security going on now . Posted on October 19 , 2010 by Emily D Last night I went to get C 's pump from him to change the cartridge and he realized it had been yanked out without his knowledge . When ? Who knows ? How long without insulin ? Was it out BEFORE he bolused for that cupcake earlier ? Ugh . 333 showed up on the meter . Quick went through the change , tried to do a new insert and the inset didn 't stick on one side . I peeled it back slightly and saw that the canula was indeed inside his skin . I have no idea why I didn 't start over at that point , but instead I pushed it the rest of the way in like a thumb tack and stuck the edges . I immediately realized how stupid that was when he 's already high , but whatev … we all make weird decisions sometimes . We had a no - carb dinner ( eggs / bacon ) due to that so I could make sure his number was coming down . It stayed the same , so I corrected again . Then I corrected again at bedtime . With all this insulin on board I KNEW I had to recheck in an hour or so and set my alarm . I also had an alarm at 2 : 30am for a final ( hopefully ) check . This morning I woke up soooo comfy . I must 've slept really good because my bed was still made around me . All of a sudden it hit me … Did I wake up for that night check ? ? ? Did I wake up at 2 : 30 ? ? ? Did I seriously give my son 3 corrections for a high blood sugar , not know if his site was any good and then not even get up ? ? ? The feeling I got is the same feeling I get every single time I realize I didn 't wake up . It 's like needles through my body and nausea at the same time . It hits like a wave through my whole body and I 'm scared of what I might find when I go to wake him up . Posted on March 7 , 2010 by Emily D Today we were supposed to go to a JDRF event , but C wanted to go to a friend 's birthday party instead . This was really hard for me . He 's definitely at an age ( and has been for quite some time ) that it 's very normal to drop your child off at a party and come pick them up later . This doesn 't work well with me anymore . He doesn 't seem to mind ( yet ) , but I still feel bad . This was even a worse case than you might think . It had everything working against a drop off . It started at Chuck E Cheese and then moved to the movie theater . The parents spoke Spanish and very little English . I speak English and even less Spanish than they spoke English . It was tricky , to say the least , to explain why he wasn 't eating the pizza . I felt like an asshole trying to explain gluten to people who didn 't understand me to begin with . They were super nice people and I did attempt to have conversations with them though the night , but it was tough . There was a lot of awkward silence . Then , C went with them in the car to the theater . It was so weird to me that I had to call my mom and break the news to her . What a dork ! ! Then we saw the movie ( Alice in Wonderland ) and here 's where the night really started for me . C is going to eat a small popcorn at the theater everytime we go no matter what . I have a very hard time estimating how much popcorn is in their SMALL popcorn . My latest guess is NINE CUPS . Small ? Anyways , last time he skyrocketed up to almost 400 afterwards . BUT , I have to throw that one out because it ended up being a crappy infusion set . So , tonight I went with guessing it was 40 grams / carbs . It 's my starting guess . I actually thought it was much more , but was not in the mood for him going low at the movies . Tonight , he dropped the bag . Which meant I 'm holding my fucking phone like a flashlight on the floor trying to guess how many damn cups of popcorn are now on the ground . It was hard enough to figure out when they were neatly contained in a bag . Close to impossible to figure out when they 're spread out under the whole row in front of you . How will I ever KNOW how many carbs are in that bag if this crap keeps happening ? ? So , C 's sweet friend offers the rest of her bag . Which is half full . Not the same amount as on the ground . I was torn and finally decided ( although now I 'm not sure how I got to this number ) to bolus for another 15 carbs . And of course I missed the rest of the movie because I 'm second guessing myself the whole rest of the time . I gave him a fun size packet of Pop Rocks for free ( no bolus ) . They 're only 5 carbs and for some reason I was thinking I gave him too much insulin and wanted to play on the safe side . After that point , I 'm thinking I blew it again and he 'll probably hit the 3hundos on account of my reckless guesstimating . Posted on March 4 , 2010 by Emily D I just went in to test C before he goes to sleep . I say , " 110 . Awesome number , but a little lower than I want it for bedtime . Is there anything special you 'd like ? " We 've been singing the song How Low by Ludacris around here a lot lately . Cuz it 's been pretty fitting of C 's numbers … And really , I get a total kick out of hearing him start singing the chorus and knowing that he 's low . I love that kid 's great attitude . C 's class was going on a field trip . To the high school . Seemed low key . I asked the teacher if she needed parents because I felt like maybe he could go without me ( it was realllly hard to take off work today ) . She said she did . Ok , no problem . I met the kids at the school at 11 : 00 am . They came walking out to the buses and C told me he hadn 't gotten to eat his lunch . His teacher quickly told me that they were supposed to eat an early lunch , but then the buses came and they didn 't have time to finish so he was taking his lunch with him . I asked if he 'd already given himself insulin and he had . I told him just to eat it on the bus . He informed me that there 's no eating on the bus . This annoyed me so I pulled him out of line and we went to sit on a bench and eat . Ugh . Getting grouchy . Anyway , I asked when he took insulin and he told me it had been about 20 minutes earlier . He 'd had a juice box , but felt low . I asked what his number had been before he gave insulin . 80 . 80 ? And then give insulin and make the kid wait 20 minutes ? ! ? ! ? ! ? He then told me that he had been really scared until I got there . This is the situation that I hate . The situation where the people who are supposed be keeping my son safe don 't understand the consequences . He was sent to the health office to test and take his insulin . By the time he walked back to his class to eat , the kids were finishing and lining up to get ready to go to the bus . I know his teacher 's busy and wouldn 't have had time or understanding to see the number and play out the next situation in her head . But really , the next situation could 've been really ugly . I told her that he was low and that I 'd be driving him instead of taking the bus . On the way there , I explained to him that even adults and teachers usually are not going to know more than him about diabetes . When he 's in that sort of situation and he knows it 's wrong or is scared , he MUST explain to his teacher what could happen to him . I assured him that she wants to help and wants to keep him safe , but doesn 't know what his blood sugar should be and what can happen to it . She understands that he needs to eat after his insulin , but obviously doesn 't understand that he needs to eat on insulin 's schedule , not the school 's . She doesn 't understand that a number on the verge of a low definitely needs to eat after taking more insulin . But I love my son . I love how smart he is and how accepting he is of his lifestyle . I love that he 's confident and comfortable telling and teaching others about diabetes and celiac disease . But right now , I 've got to go teach his teachers something new . Teach them to listen to him and remember to ask him if he can wait until they get to the field trip , not tell him . Anyway , now that I 've got that off my chest , the kid was low 3 other times today . After all the juices and glucose tabs he was up to around 270 in the afternoon when my mom picked him up . She didn 't correct him . He came home , jumped on the trampoline with his brother for a while and tested for dinner and was 106 . Crazy . Here 's my thoughts though . Whenever we pull out an infusion set , it 's kinked at the end . Like a straw that got bent over or something . The first time we tried it in his booty , it came out straight . So I 'm thinking it might be because he has minimal meat on his body . He 's skin , muscle and bone . Little tiny bit of meat on the backside . But , numbers are usually pretty good and corrections usually work great , so I 'm not comlaining . Last week , he had 3 - 4 days of rottenly high numbers . Changed infusion set back to the booty and they were great again . Cannula came out straight . The last 3 days his numbers have been almost perfect . Not really . They 're just not high . He 's low every single day . Only like once though except for today . Tonight I pulled out the infusion set … STRAIGHT . Even though it was in his belly . So , I 'm thinking now that we 're getting a few that aren 't getting kinked , maybe he 's getting too much insulin . There is seriously a LOT of thinking that goes along with this disease . Posted on January 12 , 2010 by Emily D Last Saturday we went to Supercross . Every other year that we go there 's a tradition . C EATS . Nachos , soda , cotton candy , etc . This year was new , but the same . I brought our own gluten - free , carb - countable foods : chips / cheese dip , carrots / ranch , apples / peanut butter , sunflower seeds AND yes , cotton candy . The kind that comes in a package so you know how many carbs to expect … I timed it so he 'd have time to have insulin twice . Eat right when we get there and then 2 1 / 2 - 3 hours later . First time , we tested , gave insulin and he had everything but the cotton candy . I figured I 'd check his blood glucose again before the cotton candy and make sure it was still appropriate to give it . Before that happened , he tells me he 's low . We pull out the meter to test , give a poke , apply the blood and with that the meter goes blank with a flashing battery symbol . WHAT ? ! ? He took his carbs while I went through in my head how to handle not having a meter with us . I have some serious OCD . So far it seems to help with the diabetes because I am a freaking perfectionist about it all an double triple quadruple check everything we do . Preparing to go to Supercross took me about 2 days and I went back over everything I packed about 50 times . If you leave the stadium , you can 't come back in . That means I couldn 't leave a cooler with double his supplies in the car . I had to carry everything we neeeded or might need . I had two insulin pens , a handful of needle tips , two vials of Lantus , a whole bag of syringes , alcohol swabs up the wazoo , extra jars of test strips . I HAD two meters . But one was the one that came with his insulin pump which we hadn 't even started using yet . It costs $ 200 to replace . I unpacked it thinking I 'd rather not risk anything happening to it . So of course , a minute after seeing this battery flashing all I could do was laugh . How ironic that the one thing I didn 't prepare for happened . So , we went on with life . Gave insuling a cotton candy and enjoyed the night . We got home a little after midnight . I tested him and it was 238 . Higher than most nights , but not really by much . I was pretty stoked actually . This was our first time having something sooo " forbidden " like cotton candy and we did it without knowing what his blood sugar was from earlier with a low thrown in for good measure and we made it back with no problems . A month ago ( and definitely before that ) I would 've given myself a heart attack over this kind of wrench thrown in the spoke . I was so thankful to have the comfort to laugh at the situation and make due . Thank God for time healing things !
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One of the biggest issues that I have found with being a new prepper , is that as you prep , you have to spend money to do it . Some things you have to weight the money against the potential usefulness of an item . Other things , like tents , you can justify the cost because you don 't have to wait for SHTF before you can use it , instead you can go on a camping trip . In many grocery stores you can find gallon jugs of water . In my experience whenever I have come across them , they alway cost somewhere in the ninty cents range . This means that you can buy five gallons of sealed , purified water , that is just sitting ready to be stored in your survival cache . A good hygeine product to have extra of , even if s * * * doesn 't hit the fan . I was able to find a ten pack of soap for four and half dollars at my local store . Look for your favorite soap brand , and see if you can find some value packs to get more bang for your buck . They 're small and they 're cheap . If it gets lost or broken it isn 't a big deal because you can generally pick one up for somewhere around a dollar . Want to buy in bulk ? You can do that too . You can find them in packs of two , four , or even six . Generally all of these options will still fall in our five dollar range . One package of these potatoes is just a dollar so on a budget of five dollars that means you can still get a good bit of food to add to your prepper pantry . They come in a variety of flavors and to make them you just have to add water . They are a great option when you are trying to start stocking food . There is a number of different medicines to have in a first aid kit and asprin is one of them . Don 't think you can find a bottle of asprin for five dollars or under ? Don 't look for the brand names . Look for the store brand asprin instead . It 's the same thing and it will be cheaper , meaning you can find a bottle of aspirin for five dollars or less . So there we are , five preps for five dollars or less . I love seeing cheap preps like these because they remind me that I don 't have to spend tons of money trying to prep , and I can still reach my goals . Do any of you out there have five dollar preps ? Post them in the comments . I 'd love to here everyone 's ideas . So I have been working on doing prepping and storing food . However I also think that it is a good idea to be able to make my own food as well . So I was looking for something fairly easy to make which would also last a long time . The first thing that came to mind was hardtack . So I decided to go about making hardtack . I have found a few different recipes for hardtack , and since this is my first time making hardtack I decided to start with the very basic easiest version of hardtack out there . I have it down at the end of the post for you all as well . For the basic recipe you need only three things . Flour , water and salt . Sounds easy enough right ? It is . First you set the oven to preheat , and then you mix all three ingredients together in the bowl . I started using a spoon , and then just switched over to my hands because it was just so much easier . For this recipe I found that the batter seemed a little dry . It had a crumbly lumpy thing going on , and it didn 't all want to stick together so I added a little bit extra water so it would all come together . Then I floured down my working surface , and promptly started rolling out the dough . The recipe said that it was supposed to be rolled out thing , but it doesn 't say exactly how much thin is . So I rolled it down to maybe a quarter inch or less , but not super thin either . From pictures I have seen of hardtack they all seem to be pretty thick crackers so I didn 't want to make them too thin . After that I cut up the dough into peices . I kept them all basically rectangular in shape , cutting off the lumpy edges , simply for asthetics . I rolled the extra dough out again and then cut the extra into squares as well . I just used a plain knife to cut it up , though a pizza cutter would work really well for that . After that the peices of dough went on a pan , and into the oven for ten minutes . After ten minutes , I let the crackers bake a little longer to tweleve minutes , because they still seemed kinda doughy . In hindsight , that may just be because I didn 't roll the dough out thin enough . At this point the tray came out of the oven , and I took off one piece of hardtack to try . This recipe itself was , as I expected , really quite bland . Similar to a low or no sodium saltine , except more dense . After a bite or two , I put some jam on top , because I had heard it recommened as a way to eat hardtack . With the jam on top it was really quite good . The hardtack provided a good base for the jam , and was bland enough that you really got the flavor of the jam , without there being too much in the background . At the same time the hardtack had enough flavor and substance that you didn 't feel like you were just eating jam by itself either . Next the oven temperature got lowered to 250F , and I put the tray back in for a second bake . What is a second bake ? Exactly what it sounds like . You lower the temperature and put the hardtack back into the oven for a longer period of time , and it acts very much like a dehydrator . The poit of the second bake is to take out as much water from the hardtack as possible , therefore allowing it to last longer . I let the hardtack cool , and then put it in plastic bags . I am going to add the first batch of hardtack to my prepping supplies , and we 'll see how long it lasts . I 'll post updates on how long it seems to stay good . Periodically I may open up a bag to try out the hardtack as well , and see if the taste has changed onced the hardtack has cooled and sat for a while . This weekend I had a bit of an adventure . I signed up to do a winter survival class . It sounded great , and I was very excited . I had found the program in a community news letter and it was a class they were holding at one of the local nature centers . Always trying to learn new skills , I signed up right away , excited to hopefully learn something new . I went to the class this weekend and found myself in for a little bit of a surprise . Now I knew that this class was only supposed to be an hour and a half long , so I figured it would be covering the very very basics for winter survival , and that much I found to be pretty true . What I didn 't expect was to find myself the only adult signed up for this class , along with a large group of seven to eight year olds . Yup . It was a kids class . This of course wasn 't mentioned in the description of the class in the newsletter , and the nice lady at the reservation desk was probebly getting a good kick out of the fact that I was signing up for a class with a bunch of little kids . So thats where I found myself . Sitting in a chair in a room at the nature center , with a horde of kids on all sides . Never the less , to my suprise I actually learned a bit while I was there . That just goes to show that you can get new information from tons of different places out there . The instructor for the class did a good job covering all the basics for us , talking about how to dress for winter conditions , and what kinds of basic equipment that could be brought along for something like a day hike . The class also covered the basics of making a fire and making a shelter . We then of course got to try to make a quick debris hut out in the woods , and by we , I mean the kids , while I stood back to avoid the flailing limbs and flying tree branches . It did turn out remarkably well though , all things considering . The one thing that I found in that class to be the most useful , and which I actually knew nothing about was a quick introduction to orienteering . We got taught how to read a compass . Now if someone told you to try and find a direction and get somewhere using just a compass , could you do it ? Perhaps you could , and perhaps you couldn 't . In my case , I am girl , and therefore I got to go to Girl Scouts , not Boy Scouts . Where the Boy Scouts got to learn all about camping and compasses , I got cookies . So could I read a compass ? I quickly learned that the answer is no . I couldn 't read a compass at all . However I thought I knew the concept . There is an arrow , and it points in a direction . It seems simple . However , it is very likely before this class that I would have always been following where the little arrow pointed , which depending on what side of the arrow I would follow , which would be either North or South . So I would only , of course , get myself very lost . The very first thing we learned was what we needed the right kind of compass . A complete compass . Before this I have always thought of a compass as a round object only . It has a big N and an arrow that wobbles around , and you can find North with it , and figure out where you are going . Well , a complete comapss is a bit more complicated and looks like this : So how do you use t ? It is actually not too hard , especially once you get the hang of t . First , on the plastic part the extends above the circular compass part , you have an arr w . This is known as the orienteering arr w . So you hold the compass flat , at belly button height with the arrow point out in front of y Next you have the actual compass . The ouside ring , which has all the numbers and degrees on it , is a dial , so you can change which number is is centered at the top . A small mark under the dial , marks where forward is for you as well . Then there is a red arrow in the plastic , which is underneath the floating red and white arrow . So what you do is you hold compass flat , and you choose which way you want to go . Say East . What you do is you turn the dial so that the E on you dial aligns with the mark at the top of the circle , and as a result the orienteering arrow as well . Then you are going to turn your body till the red side of the floating arrow , lines up with the red arrow on the plastic underneath . Once you hae done this , you are facing East . If you want to in a heading of 140 degrees , you then turn your dial so the 140 degrees lines up with the top mark , and then again turn you body so that the two red arrows line up . Thats it . It is a very simple concept , and it is easy to preform once you know what your doing . Not only that , it is a great skill to have . It is certainly one I am glad that I learned , which is why I have shared it all with you , and why I am going to be putting a compass in my BOB as well . So I learned two very important lessons this weekend . First was how to use a compass , and the second was that information can be found and learned in the most unlikely and unexpected of places . Including community kids programs . The community will be holding a program on how maple sugar is made next month . I am sure there will be a large group of little kids at the program , which will be designed for little kids . I 'm going to sign up for it this week . Now thinking about it , depending on the different types of disasters that could take place , I may need to either bug in or bug out . In the event of something like a chemical attack , it might be better to lock down and seal my place of residence , rather than go out into a potentially dangerous enviroment , especially if there is no reliable information on what is out there and where it is . However , in the event of something like civil disorder , it might be a better idea to bug out , before it escalates . The result is that I am now working on two different plans of actions in the event of a disaster . The first one bugging in , doesn 't require any travel . So the basics that need to be covered for a bug in plan are water , food , heating , and defense . In this case I have already started planning food and water . A first emergency cache will be created for my bug out bag and then expanded so I have more available for a long term situtation that requires bugging in . Since I live with other people , my long term survival plan should include the basics for these people too , as well as a few extra in the event that others end up in the situation with us as well . Now what I would love to have is the enough food and water for upwards of eight to ten people , for a year . Now , that is not going to happen . I just don 't have the space for it . Threfore , I am going to look into the possibility of some kind of rainwater collection system . Living in a wetter area of the country this shouldn 't be too much of a problem . Just like water , I again don 't have too much room for food storage either . This is what comes of living in a small space . Using different preservation techniques such as drying food may be able to compact food down a little to allow more of it to be stored , but again , that will only go so far . In the event of a very long term disaster , lasting a year or longer , having a good vegetable garden will help a long way with having food available . I plan to start my first attempt at growing food this year as it gets warmer . What I will be doing this year will not be on nearly a large enough scale to feed myself much less others should disaster strike , but it will be a start . As for defense , I find myself basically at a lost . I have shot a gun once . That is it . My abilities and knowledge in this subject is just about nothing . It is something I would like to learn , but for me I am certain that it will take a while , because I want to make sure everything is safe as I learn as well . There 's no point to getting a gun to defend myself for when SHTF if at best I don 't know how to use it , and at worst , I hurt or kill myself when I try . What I can try to learn here in the immediate future is forms of self defense , as well as some other primitive weapons , such as an atlatl or bow and arrow , which may be a little more intuitive for me to handle , and easier for me to obtain or make . The bug in plan can act as a basis for my bug out plan . The bug out bag is going to be the center of my bug out plan . It will have enough to last me hopefully two weeks of travel . This will give me time to get to a bug out location . Which brings me to the first thing needed for a bug out plan . I do not have a bug out location in mind , and I do not have the money to buy an area of land , much as I would like one , for a bug out location . Therefore I have decided that figuring out wilderness areas , away from population centers is my best bet . A wilderness location would give me the ability to hunt and gather and create a shelter , either temporary or permanent , with it being less likely to run into others that may be hostile . The second thing there is to consider is transportation . How would I get to a bug out location in the first place . As far as I can see , there are three different options . The first is by bug out vehicle . Because I only own one car , that is going to be it . As bug out vehicles go , its not remodeled school buses seen in last weeks episode of Doomsday Preppers , but I certainly think it has the possibility of holding up better than some . The good thing about my car is that it it is an old car , so it has a steel body . So if you hit it with something ( like another car ) the other thing breaks and not my car . Which is nice . The bad thing is that it has rear wheel drive , and it is old , and therefore it is more likely to break , and harder to fix when it does . Still , I plan to outift it as a bug out vehicle deserves , and incorporate it into my plans . However in the event that the bug out vehicle breaks , or it is not fesible to use , then I have two other modes of transporation that I can include in my plan . The first is a bike . It doesn 't go as fast as a car , but it still gives you decent speed , and because of its shape and size it is easy to move around , and easy to move around when riding it . The downside to a bicycle is that it limits what you can carry with you . The amount of items can be increased if you add a bicycle trailer , but that also decreased mobility . After a bug out vehicle and a bug out bike , the last mode of transportation I would include for bug out plans is walking . All you need for that is your own two legs . Again this form of travel limits how much stuff you can take with you . It can also be limited by disabilities and fitness ability . Neither is a problem for myself , but as I mentioned in my last post , I am working on increasing my physical fitness ability . The bug out location and the form of travel are the two most important parts of a bug out plan , and the bug in plan can take over once you make it to the bug out location . Vice versa , the bug out plan can be used in the event that a bug in plan is compromised and you have to leave your location . Though I have not shared details , to make sure not to compromise the security of my plans ( and because all the details haven 't been hashed out yet ) , I have given you the basics of what I think I need for a good but out and bug in plan . I am always looking to become a better prepper and survivalist , so what about everyone else ? What kinds of plans do you all have out there ? Are there things that I missed ? Are there things that you think are more important or less important in an emergency plan ? Are there things that I should start learning , preparing for , and implementing into my emergency plans first ? Let me know . Fitness is one of the key aspects of survival . If your not in good shape it will make survival that much harder , and so that is why I have decided to start a fitness routine . This way should I find myself in a situation where I need to survival I will be better able to physically cope wiith anything that I need to . In trying to develop a routine I had to take into account a few things . One is my fitness level . It 's not awful . I am not overweight and I don 't have any physical injuries or disabilities . This is a good start . However , I am not in shape . I don 't do tons of physical activity by means . I drive to work , because it is too far away to walk to , and once I am at work , I sit , for anywhere between seven and ten hours . All that sitting is one of the reasons why I want to create a physical fitness regimen , because I feel so lazy . Another thing I have to take into account is weather . It is January and it is cold out ! I don 't paticularily like the cold , so what ever routine I will be doing is going to be inside . On that token however I do not own any workout machines or equipment and I don 't intend on buying any . The result is that I have decided to go with a body weight only fitness routine that ramps up the intensity overtime so I can get better in shape as I go , without hurting myself by trying to go too hard in the beginning . As a newer prepper , I am definatly addicted . Prepper culture is often something that is hard to find in action . Most of don 't air our plans and make them fully availible like these families are , which in some aspects can make it hard to visualize for newer preppers , what exactly it is that we are working towards . As a result not only am I finding the show a great source of ideas but also a great way to try and get an idea of what I am trying to build . Another thing that is great is that the show doesn 't just show these people prepping , but also explains why the are prepping and that I think is a great thing . There were reasons ranging from polar shifts , to earth quakes , to the end of oil . I know in my instance , I have a few specific scenarios that I deem the most likely reasons for there to be a SHTF scenario . The first is a second great depression , the second is a pandemic , and the third is war or terrorism . These are the three things that I think are the most likely large scenario possibilities . However I also want to prep for smaller disasters such as severe weather . Of course I 'm not going to go into these scenarios now , but I will go into them in later posts . The greatest part about the show though is that the prepper 's different plans and preps were rated on the show , giving us the strengths and weaknesses , which also allowed the preppers to adjust their plans and preps and make them better . I think its a great idea that we can all use . We should all take a look at our plans like that to try and leave as few weaknesses as possible . So I will definatly continue watching the show . I find it interesting and full of good ideas , information and just in general a great way to look and see what it is that I am trying to get to . While I would never put my prepper plans out to the public like that , because I wouldn 't want to deal with all the people that would come to me trying to survive when they hadn 't prepped , I think that it is great to see the different plans , and ways of prepping . Overall I think it is a really fun and interesting show that I will continue watching in the future . Did you guys watch Doomsday Preppers ? What do you think about the preppers in the show and their plans ? Did you find it helpful or fun to watch ? Did it inspire you to keep prepping like it did me ? Leave me comments ! I 'd love to hear what you guys think . So there it is . What do you guys think about the list . Should something be added , or should some things be taken off , or is it just right ?
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I also let the layer babies out today for the first time into the chicken yard . There was also some baffling going on here , but they adapted brilliantly . As soon as the rooster makes his warning sound , they bolt back into the chicken house wihch is exactly what they need to do to stay safe - and alive . We do have airborne predators , and while a red tail might not be big enough to carry off a full sized laying hen , a baby is a whole other thing . I love my birds ! We 've thrown in some branches , grass clippings , and a few other items . Some are for mental stimulation . Some are for safety . In a pinch , the babies can hide under the things propped against the chicken house if they can 't make it inside . We once had a bunch of birds save themselves by cowering under a lilac bush in our yard . Because these guys are not free rangers yet - or maybe ever if Mr . W has his way - the don 't have the luxury of shrubs . Actually . There are not any shrubs here for them to hide in . I doubt they 'd all fit in the pine tree . So until all my my new plantings grow taller and more broad , maybe inside is the safest place for the birds to be . I gave them a hiding spot behind the nest boxes , so they can avoid confrontation with their elders . The elders are cranky . I don 't let birds out in the rain , and I wanted to give the little kids time to adjust to the space before I let them out into the yard , so they would know where home is . The big birds are acting a lot like seven grown humans might , if trapped in a confined one - room space with 25 " tweens " . Very stimulating stuff , right ? Let me tell you , I know how to have a wild time . I also watch the baby BLUE eggs to make sure their heat lamp is neither too low nor too high . Today I bought patterns and fabric to make a couple of things for grand " baby " April - mostly in pink because when I called her and asked which she 'd prefer , pink or blue , she chose pink . Sale fabric , you know ! I am also knitting Owlie socks for daughter in law # 1 . They are adorable . I love the pattern , and now Girl wants some too . The yarn is Buffalo Wool Co . " Tracks " - love it ! They 're a lot further along than this now . As for Girl , well . We 'll see . After this I have some design stuff to take care of ; just right now I have been preoccupied with other life stuff ( there 's a story there , but it 's not my story to tell , so you 'll just have to wonder ) and needed a diversion , so DIL # 1 gets socks ! Tomorrow is Memorial Day . The Y is closed , so no Monday swim , which could cause me to go into some sort of chlorine withdrawal . I hope it 's warm and sunny so I can go for a bike ride or something , at least . Yesterday and last night some places in the region had SNOW . I heard there was 34 " of it in upstate New York somewhere - you read that right , thirty four inches ! I didn 't stay up to see if we would get any ; it was due after 11pm . I just crawled into bed and whined endlessly about being cold . I was rewarded with extra blankets from Mr . Wonderful - which either indicates empathy , or a desire for me to shut the heck up and go to sleep , and stop howling about my ice - cold nose . Here 's hoping this evening brings some warmer temperatures , and maybe tomorrow some sunshine ! Posted by Tonight I enacted phase one of the Chicken Unification Project . I cut a hole in the wall between the layer babies and the big birds . Tomorrow I will add some framing and a little door that latches . That way if the youth become obstreperous , I can give the grown - ups privacy . It will be a few more days before I let them all outside together . These things can go well or they can go badly , depending on the birds involved . A too - forward young bird can put himself at risk of life and limb by pecking off more than he can reasonably " chew " . But a little girl might think more about the possibilities and take her time before rushing in . I left the babies to their adjusting and took a look about ; just a short ramble in the yard . I love pansies and johnny jump - ups . I find them unreasonably cheerful . They never fail to make me smile . When I headed back into the " barn " , I saw that everyone had discovered the door , and all were jockeying for position . Things look to be going very well , and by morning maybe they won 't need a door that latches . This would be good because I need to clean out the meat birds barn . AND I am not sure I have the right scraps to make a frame for a door . And I really don 't relish a 7am trip to town for lumber scraps . When my mother died , Katy 's Tribe gave me a gift certificate for a memorial plant from Wanczyk Nursery . I had a really hard time deciding what to get . I went last year in search of something , but came away empty handed . Two weeks ago Gene and I went back , and I found exactly what I wanted . A very mature plain old lilac ; Syringa vulgaris . And already it has blooms . My mother loved spring things ; forsythia , lilac , and especially lily of the valley which grow in abundance around my front door already . The blooms are a token of good things to come in the ensuing years , I think . Finally , last but not at all least , on Saturday we enhanced our brood by 6 . One did not survive , but here are 5 sweet tiny Ameraucanas who one day will grow big and lay lovely blue - green eggs ! I love spring . It brings new life , promise and hope . Hope is almost my most favorite thing of all ! Posted by I have no stunning , amazing pictures . I can tell you that I 've rearranged the baby chicken space to get ready for incoming Ameraucanas that should be here by Thursday , but do you really want to see a picture of a barn ? I could tell you that I expanded the meat birds space because they are huge and filthy , but do you really want to see a picture of big smelly meat chickens ? Don 't feel bad - Yoshi 's bored , too . I promised him a walk today as compensation for my lack of presence in his space in the last few days . But it 's SPRING ! Time to dig holes and play in the dirt and rearrange chickens ! And then tell you that I did these in the evenings after all the gardening . The truth is I did these ages ago , and just took a picture to show Girl so she could start her own pile . In the evenings I mostly knit handwarmers . It started with Fetching from Knitty a long time ago . After the first pair I bought 5 more skeins of different colors of RYC Cashsoft Aran , intending to make a plethora of them in 2007 . " Great Christmas gifts ! " I thought . When we moved it was a bit of stash I could not part with . I just KNEW I would make five more Fetching . And I even have the receipt to prove it - March 1 , 2007 ! I started the other day and made it through two before I got bored - WAIT ! Not bored . . . well , bored but . . . I LOVE this pattern , do not get me wrong , but I NEVER reknit things . If I reknit it , it 's GOOD . I have made 3 pair of Fetching , which means that 's a really good pattern . But after two back to back I needed a change , so I switched them up and changed stitch counts and superimposed different stitch patterns . they all say one thing - no more running . No biking . And they all agree on one other thing : you need to swim . But I don 't swim . I hate swimming . I hate water . So I water jog during rehab time , and I take love the classes - they 're fun for a while , but I want something else . I want something I can push harder at . Something I can do on my own . Something like . . . swimming . But I don 't swim . And I Lake . She would swim us both over and back , she said , and it would be wonderful , and from this I would learn that the water would hold me up . All the way over she kept saying reassuring things , like : " Melissa Dawn . If you don 't RELAX you 'll drown us BOTH . See . Isn 't this nice ? See how fun this is ? Melissa Dawn . You HAVE GOT TO relax . You will drown us BOTH ! " Yeah . Fun . Right . I am not particularly athletic , but I do enjoy being active . But not in the water . Just give me land . Give me solid ground I can kick and trust , give me pavement that rips the skin off my knees when I fall , but doesn 't suffocate me . Give me toe clips that stick to my shoes so I tumble to the ground in a heap of humanity and bike frame . Just give me air - PLEASE give me AIR - and not the suffocating tend to inherit something from them . I don 't know why this happens , and I remember being very shocked the first time it did . Something I hate becomes something I opened up before me , and I was suddenly filled with this need to knit all the things . ALL of them . And eventually engage in a strong bid for world 2 - at - a - Time Sock domination , just for kicks . God forbid - their creepy burgers . I hoped it would not be the tendency to spill at least one mouthful of food onto my chest at every single meal , or the desire to kill myself . I hoped it would not be a loved to swim , loved to float , loved to dive . She adored it . She was a polar bear , and loved to talk about those days . She swam at the lake every summer , and in any pool you put her near . She took my kids to the Y for swimming lessons . I said I 'd pay the bill , but I 12 . When the number of swimmers exceeds the number of lanes , we " swim circles " - up to six people on each side of the four - lane pool , swimming up the wall and down the lane line . Circles are mentally challenging because there are so many factors in play - lots of other people make the water choppy and rough . Everyone swims at a different pace , so you have to slow down or speed up , or stop and let people go by , or force them to pass you by swimming down the middle , between the two lanes . That 's been the hardest thing . I bought extra small training fins in an attempt to make my legs stronger , and to make me faster . I have stubby little legs and short little feet and a round body not exactly made for swimming . I have the hydrodynamics of an anvil , really . I kept trying . I keep trying . I work on body position and strokes , I watch videos of good swimmers over and over . I study Total Immersion videos endlessly - I would love to spend a week at their studio in New York learning how to do this right . Around my birthday I swam myself into a shoulder strain . Never anything by halves around here . Last month our Y offered a " Love Your Laps " program , where lap swimmers recorded their laps publicly on a large chart by the pool . At first I wasn 't sure I wanted to do it - I was slated to be away for a whole week teaching in Virginia . And I have issues with competitiveness . The youngest of my father 's four girls and the only child of my mother , I am the baby / only poster child - spoiled , competitive , and demanding . Demanding of myself most of all . I did it anyway ; I began posting numbers on the chart . Mr . W reminded me that I only needed to do my best , my personal best , on any given day . No comparisons , no competition - especially since most of the women who swim and post regularly are ten or more years my junior . Yesterday was the final day of Love Your Laps . I didn 't swim yesterday , but today I wrote down all of my daily totals and I added them all up . In three weeks ( I deducted the week I was in Virginia ) I swam 12 . 2 miles . In November I could not swim a length of the pool without a panic attack . Amazing . God is good . So , thank you God for all of this . For letting me break myself last fall , for physical therapy and Dr . F , for Mr . W paying for the Y membership even though he must have thought I 'd quit after a week in utter panic , for Girl in the lobby that first day of swim class , for cheap Tyr suits on Sierra Trading when the Lands ' End one dissolved , for silicone swim caps with adorable eggs on them , for Pam and Marsha and Kelsey . And please let my mother know I swim . I swam , I swim , and I will swim some more . She may be a little peeved at first because she always thought I was holding out on her , but I think she 'll be happy about it in the end . I know I am . Anyone wondering what happened to the other girl who couldn 't swim ? The one back up there who came out to her instructor at the same time I did , prompting the Y to offer adult learn to swim classes again ? Well , she just became a lifeguard a few weeks ago . ( YAY , KELSEY ! ! ! ) From not knowing how to swim a stroke to being a lifeguard between November and AprMelissa Morgan - Oakes Last year it bugged me that no matter where you went around here it was hot . Inside , the ancient windows did nothing to allay the summer heat . If it was 82 outside , it was 82 inside . Outside there was not a spot of shade to be found , unless you wanted to walk out to the bees and sit in their shade - in front of their hives - which is also where Gene brings deer ticks back from . When we were in Virginia we saw this really awesome shade thing made by Shade Sail set up at Sea Star . I even made notes on a scrap of paper showing how the sail was attached to the roof of the building and to the 4x4 posts of the deck . We don 't have a deck here , but the ground is soft so dropping a couple of 4x4 's for some shade would not be a big deal . Then I priced the sails and found out some things . The brand name " Shade Sail " that we 'd seen in Virginia was definitely well over our budget . The less expensive versions seemed to be made of inferior materials , and might not last the summer . I hate spending money for something that isn 't going to last . We have a big blue umbrella that I bought two years ago from Lands ' End to fit into our deck table . It 's proven to be very sturdy over time , and I love it . But we sold the table at a tag sale and really don 't want to buy a new one until we have a patio to plunk it on - and that 's going to be a while ! We looked at patio umbrella stands this weekend - for $ 9 you get a plastic job that looks like it wouldn 't support a toothpick , let alone a big umbrella . For $ 40 you can get a more substantial stand that looked pretty solid . . . but at $ 40 , I really thought I could do better . My original plan , forged yesterday in the car between Lowe 's and home , involved an empty 5 gallon bucket , some stones , and a drill ( drainage for the bucket ) . When I headed down cellar for the drill and a bit , I saw an old , empty planter pot on the floor . I think it once held my lime tree . I " hmmmm " - d , and dragged it upstairs with me . Quite the pile , right ? Marble chips ( two bags at $ 3 a bag from Home Depot ) , our old umbrella , an empty stoneware pot , and a chunk of pvc pipe . If I just dropped the umbrella into a 5 gallon bucket full of rocks , it would certainly do the job . But if I wanted to move the umbrella for , say , an impending hurricane , the rocks would just tumble into the space where the umbrella was and I 'd have to dump the rocks out and start all over again post - storm . That 's when the pipe idea came to me - this morning in the pool , somewhere around lap 30 or so , I saw it . A pipe , stuck in the center of the pot , slightly larger than the diameter of the umbrella stick , would allow me to remove the umbrella at will if wind threatened . I dug around the basement and found a piece of pvc pipe . I cut it taller than the planter because I was concerned about the stability of the umbrella with only a foot or so of rock around it . I really wanted some extra height to control the potential sway . I dumped one bag of rock into the planter . For a moment I debated returning the second bag ( $ 3 refund ! ! ) but then I pushed on the pipe a bit , and decided to open the second bag and fill the planter to the top . " What 's that dear ? You had a hard day at the office ? Let me pour you something cool and you can sit in the shade and overlook your back . . . . 4 . " I slid the umbrella into the pipe , popped it open and voila ! El Rancho Em N ' Gee O shady spot ! You may have noticed that we are a rather traditional family around here . Mr . W goes off to the factory and makes the donuts , while I . . . swim , dig holes , plant things , make ponds and occasionally watch soap operas and eat bon bons ( No . Not . Seriously ? Me ? No . Iced coffee and old movies , maybe . ) I also get into something that can only be called " wikkid trouble " with all these DIY things . Sometimes things work , and I save a fortune . Sometimes they almost work and I swear a lot , and save slightly less . Sometimes they totally fail and I spend a day or so thinking I am utterly stupid . Then I bounce back with NEW ridiculous schemes , visions of grandeur , and indomitable enthusiasm . ( This is because I am a slow learner . . . ) Bird baths , squirrel baffles , ponds . . . and new baby chicken spaces . The layers had really outgrown their stock tank space , and it was time for new digs . I can 't mix them with the big birds just yet , but they really need room to grow . Sometimes I think they are like carp - give them room and they fill it . I expanded the meat birds space earlier in the weekend and I think they 've doubled in size . For them it 's simple - move bales of shavings around in an open 8 x 10 foot shed to make their brood space a bit bigger every week or so until eventually I am down to a tiny space to get into the shed and they own the remainder . For the layers it 's not as easy . About half of the layers shed has been walled off for the adult chickens ; 5 x 8 or so . The other half , also about 5 x 8 , holds feed , shavings , and the babies in a stock tank . It 's important that they have as much space as they can have , while still keeping the size manageable from a heat perspective . With temperatures in the high 30 's this week overnight , they still need their heat lamp from dusk until mid - morning . Using a homemade interior door from the old shed ( we 're talking years ago , before we built the barn at the old house ) I created a new space for the babies . I can still get into the shed for feed and water changes , although I have to go around to the back door to feed and water the big birds for a while , but that 's minor . The babies space more than doubled in a matter of minutes . When I moved them into their new , expanded space they were , as always , hesitant at first . . . I think the fluffy footed partridge Cochins are the most brave . They are also the most personable . The older they get the more I can see who they will be when they 're grown . The Cochins run to my hands , and a couple hop up and sit on my palm and look down on their siblings . I love the grab bag nature of assortments . It 's like an endless quest to discover what these babies are . Combs start to take shape , feathers grow in certain ways , behavior and size indicates a lot as well . . . I can see a couple of roosters already . Delawares , two colors of Polish , then Spitzhauben , Hamburgs and possibly Campines . . . and a few I am not sure of yet . I was very excited the other day to see that my peonies are coming up . These are from " the aunts ' house " - the house we had Christmas and Thanksgiving at almost every year of my childhood , the house my mother bought when the last of the aunts had died - and then lost to unscrupulous mortgage brokers before any presidents bailed out any old people who got taken advantage of . The house was foreclosed on , and I took a few reminders away with me . They mean a lot to me , and I 've moved them twice now , and on each move they seem to get bigger , faster than the move before . These were just bits of woody nothing when I planted them last year . In a couple of years they will be huge and will fill the space , at this rate ! All of these - a dwarf forsythia ( who knew ? ! ) , some potentilla , and an ornamental quince were bought on clearance . The deader the shrub , the more likely I am to buy it . Sometimes that doesn 't work out so well , and other times I get really lucky . There 's also elderberry at the end ; three bushes that wrap around the corner of the house . Those are food , so I am willing to buy good stock . These are from St . Lawrence Nursery , which is also where we get the majority of our fruit trees and bushes , and our nuts . Spring has sprung , with a vengeance . It 's getting harder and harder to apply myself to yarn and needles . But soon it will be arid , hot , horrible summer - and with a little air conditioning , I will be back to work !
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I also let the layer babies out today for the first time into the chicken yard . There was also some baffling going on here , but they adapted brilliantly . As soon as the rooster makes his warning sound , they bolt back into the chicken house wihch is exactly what they need to do to stay safe - and alive . We do have airborne predators , and while a red tail might not be big enough to carry off a full sized laying hen , a baby is a whole other thing . I love my birds ! We 've thrown in some branches , grass clippings , and a few other items . Some are for mental stimulation . Some are for safety . In a pinch , the babies can hide under the things propped against the chicken house if they can 't make it inside . We once had a bunch of birds save themselves by cowering under a lilac bush in our yard . Because these guys are not free rangers yet - or maybe ever if Mr . W has his way - the don 't have the luxury of shrubs . Actually . There are not any shrubs here for them to hide in . I doubt they 'd all fit in the pine tree . So until all my my new plantings grow taller and more broad , maybe inside is the safest place for the birds to be . I gave them a hiding spot behind the nest boxes , so they can avoid confrontation with their elders . The elders are cranky . I don 't let birds out in the rain , and I wanted to give the little kids time to adjust to the space before I let them out into the yard , so they would know where home is . The big birds are acting a lot like seven grown humans might , if trapped in a confined one - room space with 25 " tweens " . Very stimulating stuff , right ? Let me tell you , I know how to have a wild time . I also watch the baby BLUE eggs to make sure their heat lamp is neither too low nor too high . Today I bought patterns and fabric to make a couple of things for grand " baby " April - mostly in pink because when I called her and asked which she 'd prefer , pink or blue , she chose pink . Sale fabric , you know ! I am also knitting Owlie socks for daughter in law # 1 . They are adorable . I love the pattern , and now Girl wants some too . The yarn is Buffalo Wool Co . " Tracks " - love it ! They 're a lot further along than this now . As for Girl , well . We 'll see . After this I have some design stuff to take care of ; just right now I have been preoccupied with other life stuff ( there 's a story there , but it 's not my story to tell , so you 'll just have to wonder ) and needed a diversion , so DIL # 1 gets socks ! Tomorrow is Memorial Day . The Y is closed , so no Monday swim , which could cause me to go into some sort of chlorine withdrawal . I hope it 's warm and sunny so I can go for a bike ride or something , at least . Yesterday and last night some places in the region had SNOW . I heard there was 34 " of it in upstate New York somewhere - you read that right , thirty four inches ! I didn 't stay up to see if we would get any ; it was due after 11pm . I just crawled into bed and whined endlessly about being cold . I was rewarded with extra blankets from Mr . Wonderful - which either indicates empathy , or a desire for me to shut the heck up and go to sleep , and stop howling about my ice - cold nose . Here 's hoping this evening brings some warmer temperatures , and maybe tomorrow some sunshine ! Posted by Tonight I enacted phase one of the Chicken Unification Project . I cut a hole in the wall between the layer babies and the big birds . Tomorrow I will add some framing and a little door that latches . That way if the youth become obstreperous , I can give the grown - ups privacy . It will be a few more days before I let them all outside together . These things can go well or they can go badly , depending on the birds involved . A too - forward young bird can put himself at risk of life and limb by pecking off more than he can reasonably " chew " . But a little girl might think more about the possibilities and take her time before rushing in . I left the babies to their adjusting and took a look about ; just a short ramble in the yard . I love pansies and johnny jump - ups . I find them unreasonably cheerful . They never fail to make me smile . When I headed back into the " barn " , I saw that everyone had discovered the door , and all were jockeying for position . Things look to be going very well , and by morning maybe they won 't need a door that latches . This would be good because I need to clean out the meat birds barn . AND I am not sure I have the right scraps to make a frame for a door . And I really don 't relish a 7am trip to town for lumber scraps . When my mother died , Katy 's Tribe gave me a gift certificate for a memorial plant from Wanczyk Nursery . I had a really hard time deciding what to get . I went last year in search of something , but came away empty handed . Two weeks ago Gene and I went back , and I found exactly what I wanted . A very mature plain old lilac ; Syringa vulgaris . And already it has blooms . My mother loved spring things ; forsythia , lilac , and especially lily of the valley which grow in abundance around my front door already . The blooms are a token of good things to come in the ensuing years , I think . Finally , last but not at all least , on Saturday we enhanced our brood by 6 . One did not survive , but here are 5 sweet tiny Ameraucanas who one day will grow big and lay lovely blue - green eggs ! I love spring . It brings new life , promise and hope . Hope is almost my most favorite thing of all ! Posted by I have no stunning , amazing pictures . I can tell you that I 've rearranged the baby chicken space to get ready for incoming Ameraucanas that should be here by Thursday , but do you really want to see a picture of a barn ? I could tell you that I expanded the meat birds space because they are huge and filthy , but do you really want to see a picture of big smelly meat chickens ? Don 't feel bad - Yoshi 's bored , too . I promised him a walk today as compensation for my lack of presence in his space in the last few days . But it 's SPRING ! Time to dig holes and play in the dirt and rearrange chickens ! And then tell you that I did these in the evenings after all the gardening . The truth is I did these ages ago , and just took a picture to show Girl so she could start her own pile . In the evenings I mostly knit handwarmers . It started with Fetching from Knitty a long time ago . After the first pair I bought 5 more skeins of different colors of RYC Cashsoft Aran , intending to make a plethora of them in 2007 . " Great Christmas gifts ! " I thought . When we moved it was a bit of stash I could not part with . I just KNEW I would make five more Fetching . And I even have the receipt to prove it - March 1 , 2007 ! I started the other day and made it through two before I got bored - WAIT ! Not bored . . . well , bored but . . . I LOVE this pattern , do not get me wrong , but I NEVER reknit things . If I reknit it , it 's GOOD . I have made 3 pair of Fetching , which means that 's a really good pattern . But after two back to back I needed a change , so I switched them up and changed stitch counts and superimposed different stitch patterns . they all say one thing - no more running . No biking . And they all agree on one other thing : you need to swim . But I don 't swim . I hate swimming . I hate water . So I water jog during rehab time , and I take love the classes - they 're fun for a while , but I want something else . I want something I can push harder at . Something I can do on my own . Something like . . . swimming . But I don 't swim . And I Lake . She would swim us both over and back , she said , and it would be wonderful , and from this I would learn that the water would hold me up . All the way over she kept saying reassuring things , like : " Melissa Dawn . If you don 't RELAX you 'll drown us BOTH . See . Isn 't this nice ? See how fun this is ? Melissa Dawn . You HAVE GOT TO relax . You will drown us BOTH ! " Yeah . Fun . Right . I am not particularly athletic , but I do enjoy being active . But not in the water . Just give me land . Give me solid ground I can kick and trust , give me pavement that rips the skin off my knees when I fall , but doesn 't suffocate me . Give me toe clips that stick to my shoes so I tumble to the ground in a heap of humanity and bike frame . Just give me air - PLEASE give me AIR - and not the suffocating tend to inherit something from them . I don 't know why this happens , and I remember being very shocked the first time it did . Something I hate becomes something I opened up before me , and I was suddenly filled with this need to knit all the things . ALL of them . And eventually engage in a strong bid for world 2 - at - a - Time Sock domination , just for kicks . God forbid - their creepy burgers . I hoped it would not be the tendency to spill at least one mouthful of food onto my chest at every single meal , or the desire to kill myself . I hoped it would not be a loved to swim , loved to float , loved to dive . She adored it . She was a polar bear , and loved to talk about those days . She swam at the lake every summer , and in any pool you put her near . She took my kids to the Y for swimming lessons . I said I 'd pay the bill , but I 12 . When the number of swimmers exceeds the number of lanes , we " swim circles " - up to six people on each side of the four - lane pool , swimming up the wall and down the lane line . Circles are mentally challenging because there are so many factors in play - lots of other people make the water choppy and rough . Everyone swims at a different pace , so you have to slow down or speed up , or stop and let people go by , or force them to pass you by swimming down the middle , between the two lanes . That 's been the hardest thing . I bought extra small training fins in an attempt to make my legs stronger , and to make me faster . I have stubby little legs and short little feet and a round body not exactly made for swimming . I have the hydrodynamics of an anvil , really . I kept trying . I keep trying . I work on body position and strokes , I watch videos of good swimmers over and over . I study Total Immersion videos endlessly - I would love to spend a week at their studio in New York learning how to do this right . Around my birthday I swam myself into a shoulder strain . Never anything by halves around here . Last month our Y offered a " Love Your Laps " program , where lap swimmers recorded their laps publicly on a large chart by the pool . At first I wasn 't sure I wanted to do it - I was slated to be away for a whole week teaching in Virginia . And I have issues with competitiveness . The youngest of my father 's four girls and the only child of my mother , I am the baby / only poster child - spoiled , competitive , and demanding . Demanding of myself most of all . I did it anyway ; I began posting numbers on the chart . Mr . W reminded me that I only needed to do my best , my personal best , on any given day . No comparisons , no competition - especially since most of the women who swim and post regularly are ten or more years my junior . Yesterday was the final day of Love Your Laps . I didn 't swim yesterday , but today I wrote down all of my daily totals and I added them all up . In three weeks ( I deducted the week I was in Virginia ) I swam 12 . 2 miles . In November I could not swim a length of the pool without a panic attack . Amazing . God is good . So , thank you God for all of this . For letting me break myself last fall , for physical therapy and Dr . F , for Mr . W paying for the Y membership even though he must have thought I 'd quit after a week in utter panic , for Girl in the lobby that first day of swim class , for cheap Tyr suits on Sierra Trading when the Lands ' End one dissolved , for silicone swim caps with adorable eggs on them , for Pam and Marsha and Kelsey . And please let my mother know I swim . I swam , I swim , and I will swim some more . She may be a little peeved at first because she always thought I was holding out on her , but I think she 'll be happy about it in the end . I know I am . Anyone wondering what happened to the other girl who couldn 't swim ? The one back up there who came out to her instructor at the same time I did , prompting the Y to offer adult learn to swim classes again ? Well , she just became a lifeguard a few weeks ago . ( YAY , KELSEY ! ! ! ) From not knowing how to swim a stroke to being a lifeguard between November and AprMelissa Morgan - Oakes Last year it bugged me that no matter where you went around here it was hot . Inside , the ancient windows did nothing to allay the summer heat . If it was 82 outside , it was 82 inside . Outside there was not a spot of shade to be found , unless you wanted to walk out to the bees and sit in their shade - in front of their hives - which is also where Gene brings deer ticks back from . When we were in Virginia we saw this really awesome shade thing made by Shade Sail set up at Sea Star . I even made notes on a scrap of paper showing how the sail was attached to the roof of the building and to the 4x4 posts of the deck . We don 't have a deck here , but the ground is soft so dropping a couple of 4x4 's for some shade would not be a big deal . Then I priced the sails and found out some things . The brand name " Shade Sail " that we 'd seen in Virginia was definitely well over our budget . The less expensive versions seemed to be made of inferior materials , and might not last the summer . I hate spending money for something that isn 't going to last . We have a big blue umbrella that I bought two years ago from Lands ' End to fit into our deck table . It 's proven to be very sturdy over time , and I love it . But we sold the table at a tag sale and really don 't want to buy a new one until we have a patio to plunk it on - and that 's going to be a while ! We looked at patio umbrella stands this weekend - for $ 9 you get a plastic job that looks like it wouldn 't support a toothpick , let alone a big umbrella . For $ 40 you can get a more substantial stand that looked pretty solid . . . but at $ 40 , I really thought I could do better . My original plan , forged yesterday in the car between Lowe 's and home , involved an empty 5 gallon bucket , some stones , and a drill ( drainage for the bucket ) . When I headed down cellar for the drill and a bit , I saw an old , empty planter pot on the floor . I think it once held my lime tree . I " hmmmm " - d , and dragged it upstairs with me . Quite the pile , right ? Marble chips ( two bags at $ 3 a bag from Home Depot ) , our old umbrella , an empty stoneware pot , and a chunk of pvc pipe . If I just dropped the umbrella into a 5 gallon bucket full of rocks , it would certainly do the job . But if I wanted to move the umbrella for , say , an impending hurricane , the rocks would just tumble into the space where the umbrella was and I 'd have to dump the rocks out and start all over again post - storm . That 's when the pipe idea came to me - this morning in the pool , somewhere around lap 30 or so , I saw it . A pipe , stuck in the center of the pot , slightly larger than the diameter of the umbrella stick , would allow me to remove the umbrella at will if wind threatened . I dug around the basement and found a piece of pvc pipe . I cut it taller than the planter because I was concerned about the stability of the umbrella with only a foot or so of rock around it . I really wanted some extra height to control the potential sway . I dumped one bag of rock into the planter . For a moment I debated returning the second bag ( $ 3 refund ! ! ) but then I pushed on the pipe a bit , and decided to open the second bag and fill the planter to the top . " What 's that dear ? You had a hard day at the office ? Let me pour you something cool and you can sit in the shade and overlook your back . . . . 4 . " I slid the umbrella into the pipe , popped it open and voila ! El Rancho Em N ' Gee O shady spot ! You may have noticed that we are a rather traditional family around here . Mr . W goes off to the factory and makes the donuts , while I . . . swim , dig holes , plant things , make ponds and occasionally watch soap operas and eat bon bons ( No . Not . Seriously ? Me ? No . Iced coffee and old movies , maybe . ) I also get into something that can only be called " wikkid trouble " with all these DIY things . Sometimes things work , and I save a fortune . Sometimes they almost work and I swear a lot , and save slightly less . Sometimes they totally fail and I spend a day or so thinking I am utterly stupid . Then I bounce back with NEW ridiculous schemes , visions of grandeur , and indomitable enthusiasm . ( This is because I am a slow learner . . . ) Bird baths , squirrel baffles , ponds . . . and new baby chicken spaces . The layers had really outgrown their stock tank space , and it was time for new digs . I can 't mix them with the big birds just yet , but they really need room to grow . Sometimes I think they are like carp - give them room and they fill it . I expanded the meat birds space earlier in the weekend and I think they 've doubled in size . For them it 's simple - move bales of shavings around in an open 8 x 10 foot shed to make their brood space a bit bigger every week or so until eventually I am down to a tiny space to get into the shed and they own the remainder . For the layers it 's not as easy . About half of the layers shed has been walled off for the adult chickens ; 5 x 8 or so . The other half , also about 5 x 8 , holds feed , shavings , and the babies in a stock tank . It 's important that they have as much space as they can have , while still keeping the size manageable from a heat perspective . With temperatures in the high 30 's this week overnight , they still need their heat lamp from dusk until mid - morning . Using a homemade interior door from the old shed ( we 're talking years ago , before we built the barn at the old house ) I created a new space for the babies . I can still get into the shed for feed and water changes , although I have to go around to the back door to feed and water the big birds for a while , but that 's minor . The babies space more than doubled in a matter of minutes . When I moved them into their new , expanded space they were , as always , hesitant at first . . . I think the fluffy footed partridge Cochins are the most brave . They are also the most personable . The older they get the more I can see who they will be when they 're grown . The Cochins run to my hands , and a couple hop up and sit on my palm and look down on their siblings . I love the grab bag nature of assortments . It 's like an endless quest to discover what these babies are . Combs start to take shape , feathers grow in certain ways , behavior and size indicates a lot as well . . . I can see a couple of roosters already . Delawares , two colors of Polish , then Spitzhauben , Hamburgs and possibly Campines . . . and a few I am not sure of yet . I was very excited the other day to see that my peonies are coming up . These are from " the aunts ' house " - the house we had Christmas and Thanksgiving at almost every year of my childhood , the house my mother bought when the last of the aunts had died - and then lost to unscrupulous mortgage brokers before any presidents bailed out any old people who got taken advantage of . The house was foreclosed on , and I took a few reminders away with me . They mean a lot to me , and I 've moved them twice now , and on each move they seem to get bigger , faster than the move before . These were just bits of woody nothing when I planted them last year . In a couple of years they will be huge and will fill the space , at this rate ! All of these - a dwarf forsythia ( who knew ? ! ) , some potentilla , and an ornamental quince were bought on clearance . The deader the shrub , the more likely I am to buy it . Sometimes that doesn 't work out so well , and other times I get really lucky . There 's also elderberry at the end ; three bushes that wrap around the corner of the house . Those are food , so I am willing to buy good stock . These are from St . Lawrence Nursery , which is also where we get the majority of our fruit trees and bushes , and our nuts . Spring has sprung , with a vengeance . It 's getting harder and harder to apply myself to yarn and needles . But soon it will be arid , hot , horrible summer - and with a little air conditioning , I will be back to work !
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Brad and I TOTALLY and COMPLETELY spoiled our kids this Christmas . We bought everything they asked for . ( Fortunately they didn 't ask for a car or anything that was truly out of budget ) I don 't know who was more excited for Christmas morning , the kids or Brad and I . And admittedly , it is WAY more fun to give gifts to kids than adults . They just get all giddy and don 't care about being proper or adult - like . I love that . And I don 't feel bad one bit about doing it either . Our kids deserved to be spoiled . They 're good kids . And we deserved to do it . Our kids have had Christmases in the past where they got nothing because we couldn 't afford even one thing . They 've had lean Christmases too where they all just got what they got from Grandparents ( thank goodness for them ) and that was all . Of course , our kids never cared , but as a parent , it 's heartbreaking to spend Christmas morning staring at a tree with nothing under it or to know that your kids were aching for a particular thing that you couldn 't in any way afford to give them . So we bought everything they asked for and some things they didn 't ask for but we knew they 'd like . And our kids did most of the Christmas shopping . We let them buy things for each other rather than all the gifts being from us . It was so sweet to hear them tell each other thank - you and give hugs and have Novan say , " thank - you so much Beya ! I love you ! " when he opened up his Laserbeak transformer . The moments when your kids get along so beautifully are such a blessing . We didn 't really spend any money on anything else for Christmas . We still used the same 3 foot fiber optic tree we 've used every year since we got married . We used the same fake holly flowers and homemade Christmas ornaments from our nieces and nephews that we received years ago , the same set of glass ornaments my college friend Kelsey gave us the year we were married . . . although there are about half as many due to breakages over the years with 4 kids . The only thing we DID spend a little extra money on was our Christmas dinner . We 're all meat snobby and there isn 't anywhere to buy free - range anything here in ND ( unless you want to buy a half a cow ) so I ordered a duck online for our Christmas dinner . One of the things I love about this ward that we live in now is how everyone doesn 't care much for proper etiquette and trying to leave some kind of false good impression . We go over to our friends ' the Clarks many Sundays for dinner and no one puts on some kind of dinner party show . There are no fancy deserts and Kami Clark doesn 't go out of her way to make a fancy dinner . When Brad invited the Thorntons over to our house for Christmas dinner , I didn 't know they would then extend the invitation to another family without telling me or that Brad had also invited one of the men in our ward who lives and works in Williston but who 's family lives in AZ . I don 't stress about stuff like that . I just figure out a way to make it work because nobody really cares if your duck is too small to feed that many people . Everyone was just happy to chip in . Fortunately though , I had also ordered some massive free - range ribeyes along with the duck for Brad for a Christmas present so we had duck AND ribeye steak for Christmas dinner along with all the other Christmas dinnery type things . I had wanted to make a bunch of yummy deserts and maybe some homemade rolls on Christmas eve for the following day but we were out of town most of the week at my Grandma 's funeral and didn 't arrive back in town until Saturday night , late late . No worries . Tiffany Thornton had already forseen this and picked up some pies from the store for the occasion . It all just kind of came together . We were with friends and we got to spoil our kids and it was WONDERFUL ! My favorite Christmas ever probably . Brad likes to say that money doesn 't solve all your problems but it solves all the ones that are caused by not having any . = ) And we finally have money , so we spent some of it on my favorite holiday . And we remembered Christ . And every day we reminded the kids of why we celebrate Christmas . And we were so grateful to be here in North Dakota . To have a good job . And to have good friends and a supportive family . Is it just me or is my McScreamy actually screaming less ? It could be that he 's screaming just as much ( because he does still scream ) but he 's just being more fantastically cute and charming . Whereas before all I wanted to do was confine him to his room so I didn 't have to listen to him , now I just want to squeeze him and make him laugh and ask him questions to see how he 'll answer . Yesterday I was taking his clothes of to put PJs on him . I had a new diaper ready ( because I diaper trained him before I left NC ) and when he saw it , he informed me , " Mom , I 'm not poopy . " " OK , good , " I replied , yet when I pulled off his diaper while he was standing up , he was indeed poopy . " Oh no Iyov ! " I exclaimed , grateful we were in the kitchen over linoleum and not carpet in case something got on the floor . " Ok , we gotta wipe you . " I said , grabbing the wipes . And that 's just the kind of interaction I get a lot with him . Please , thank - you , and your welcome were among Iyov 's first words and it 's like he knew at a very young age that the use of polite words could quell any situation with Mom . He 's also recently discovered " Sorry , Mom " which he says in a pitiable and small voice , with head hung when he does something wrong . I often wonder how sincere he 's being but if he 's not , he 's such a darn good actor that it 's hard to be upset with him after he says it . He really likes Lightning McQueen and he refers to anything Lightning McQueen as " Ka - Chow ! " He 'll see his McQueen jammies go into the washer , " You washing my Ka - Chow mom ? " " Shoop " is one of those uber cute words that everyone else in the family has now picked up . We all call guns " shoops " now . It 's kind of like Novan who used to say " Mac - tie " when referring to semi trucks . We all started doing it too because we just liked the word better . Iyov has also , at 2 years old , mastered the art of giving facial expressions . If he hasn 't actually mastered it , then we 're in real trouble because that means he can only get better at using them . He makes me laugh out loud daily at the facial expressions he gives me which range from , " if I 'm not the cutest thing you ever saw , then you must be blind " to " I just totally did something wrong but if I make you laugh first then you won 't be as mad at me . " My favorite is , " make a cute face while trying to make you think I don 't know you 're looking at me " ( because you know , accidental cuteness is cuter than on - purpose cuteness , and he knows it ) . His other tool , which he uses quite effectively is , " Need to hug you , mom ! " or " Need to hug you , dad ! " This is what he does when all else has failed . When mom or dad has been pushed to their brink , when little bums need to be spanked or hard words spoken , the appeal that he needs some love and cuddling ALWAYS accomplishes his goal . It 's not that he avoids the consequence but he knows that hugs can fix any mom 's temper . He pretty much shortens the time I 'm upset with him as he runs and throws himself on my leg with a tearful eye , " NEED to HUG you Mom ! ! " in a sad but insistent voice . Today I enrolled my child in public school . I know my kids have pretty much been in school before but it felt a lot less official when they were at ABC . It was technically private school after all and they certainly didn 't call it KINDERGARTEN ! Plus I have this built - in mistrust of all organizations mandated and funded by the government . . . and I also have a year 's supply of food . Now if only I had some ammo and money under my mattress I 'd be a full fledged citizen militia , you know , especially with all the kids I 've got . It went kind of like this . I had been researching the local schools and determined that academically they all seemed to be the same . So I cruised up to the local school district office this morning and walked in with said 6 - year old boy and infant - in - baby carrier in tow because I figured I ought to show up with the kid I 'm going to be leaving with them . . . I don 't know if that 's required for enrolling but I wanted to have all my i 's dotted . It kind of felt like I was going into enemy territory , and as I type this I realize how silly I 'm sounding . That 's cool . I 'm kind of a conspiracy theorist that way . Anyway , I left the other kiddos at a friend 's house because I didn 't want to scare anyone or have them assign Novan some awful teacher because Iyov climbed on the desk or spit water on the floor or rearranged the furniture . ( yes , he has done all those things in the past ) As I give her the address I 'm thinking about the bus driver who 's going to have to figure out how to come get my kid who will be picked up right outside the Nabors man - camp . I shake my head ever so slightly at the novelty of this place . I do that a lot . There are a LOT of things that are novel about Williston , ND . " Hmmmm . " The lady with nice hair says in a concerned tone . " Hey Jerry ! " she calls to this cover - all suited guy down the hall who 's carrying a big walkie - talkie . I honestly have no idea what she would need this guy Jerry for . He looks more like grounds maintenance rather than the go - to guy for elementary school assignment . She turns her monitor towards Jerry and I . It has something like google earth pulled up with 16th Ave West the closest real street to where I live ) shown clearly . There are what appear to be school district lines running through it . As she and Jerry discuss school district lines I 'm thinking 2 things . 1 - If I 'm not in Williston school district , what the heck school district am I actually in ? I live behind the Wal - Mart for goodness sakes ! There isn 't another town for 30 miles ! 2 - Wow , it sure would make this decision about putting Novan in public school now a lot easier . I could actually keep him home without feeling like a rebel delinquent parent . ( I had actually been strongly considering not sending him to school for the remainder of the school year . ) " Great ! " I say with a smile although inside I feel like I 've just sealed my child 's fate . They know where I live . And they 'll know if I don 't send my kid to school . There 's no turning back ! So Novan and I head over to Hagan Elementary where everyone is pleasant and nice , and interested , and exuberant . It looks like a typical elementary , small , but typical . We even meet his teacher . And no one challenges my decision to start him in January rather than Monday . And once again , no one asks for any ID or vaccine record or birth certificate . Honestly , I found that a little weird . But it was pretty much painless and Novan , after seeing the innards of the place , gave it a stamp of approval . All the kids in his class said Hi to him in synchronized fashion , just like on TV when they introduce the new student . Novan informed me when we left that he sure was going to have a lot of new friends ! So that 's good . But I 'm sad . He 's going to be gone from 8 : 15 - 3 every day during the week ! That 's a long time to be under the influence of a government organization . Anything could happen ! And after all that school district line rubbish and my worry about pick - up outside a man - camp , I find out they don 't even have a busing system ! I felt inspired to share some thoughts I have had over the last few months , things that have occupied my mind , my prayers , and my day - to - day life . As I am sure we have all experienced , there are times in life that you feel that you can reach out and touch the Father 's hand ; that 's how close you feel to Him . His influence is so real that it seems like His appearance in front of you would only equal how closely you feel His presence . The last couple years seem to be riddled , in my mind , with the hand of the Lord I cannot look back on any one experience and say that I didn 't see Him there , not just watching over me , but guiding me , guiding the events of my life , and influencing those around me in ways that would inspire me to be better . Sometimes , when I allow myself to explore all the things He has done for me , I feel I cannot bodily contain the joy that fills me up . I tangibly feel that my cup runneth over . I could write a novel documenting each experience but today , I will just talk about the last 4 months . Early August , 2011 : The total dissolution of our livelihood . Watching the sacrifice and work of the previous 6 years get stamped with a big fat " Worthless " label . I watched my husband go from capable and confident to fearful and helpless . Day after torturous day of watching the market careen up and then down in a few hours time made my heart and my mind scramble for some way out or at least a fast - forward button to escape the moments . - An unshakable confidence that despite the moment , my Heavenly Father knew what was happening to us and there was something waiting for us at the end of this dark tunnel . As cliche as the phrase is , I KNEW everything would be ok . There was sickness in me over the loss of so much but it never overwhelmed my certainty that the Father always looks after those who seek Him . And I was seeking . I searched for the cracks in my faith , places that needed shoring up but to my peaceful delight , there were none . I found my faith rooted to the right foundation . While I had experienced plenty of hardship in the past , this felt like the maiden voyage in which you test the limits of your faith . But I didn 't even see the limits . I felt the heartache , oh how many times did I cry out for guidance and understanding . But I never wavered in my confidence in the solace of my God . - An appreciation for those things which cannot truly be taken away . My husband . He is such a good person . His heartache was almost constantly over the lives which he had adversely affected . Despite wanting to kick his butt back into gear and get the confident and positive husband I knew back on a couple occasions for suffering so constantly and immovably , I appreciated knowing that he was demonstrating the charity of Christ in regards to others . My kids . Their oblivious joy and loving natures were a strength to both Brad and I . We spent more time with them . We listened to them . I grew to appreciate even more how this task of raising righteous spirits doesn 't stop when life is in an upheaval . While some earthly things may pass away , the raising of children in a manner which pleases our Father continues on . It is a way to focus on the eternal even amid circumstances we cannot control . My faith . Life is immensely hard ! It does NOT get any easier as time passes and the only thing that CAN get easier is how quickly we think of and turn to our Heavenly Father and His Son , thus making the burden lighter . Late August - Early September : We determine , after searching for a local job to supplement our income , to no avail , that Brad should go to North Dakota to seek employment . Shortly after beginning to apply for jobs in ND , he gets a job offer from Tractor & Equipment . The catch is that we have no idea when the kids and I will be able to join him . September 15 - November 20 : Brad leaves for ND , sleeps in his car for several days after arriving as he looks at the local job market . Kind people from the Williston Ward feed him every Sunday and allow him to take a shower at their house . Meanwhile , I 'm overseeing the work on the house necessary to beginning the process of finding tenants for our downstairs unit . We are forced to fire our one employee who fails to perform while unsupervised and as a result , we decide to shut down the operation of Magnum Opus Financial in the upstairs unit . Thus begins work on the upstairs unit to make it tenant - ready . Painting top to bottom , installing a kitchen and laundry room , new carpet , and windows are among the items on the list . Brad has accepted the job offer from Tractor & Equipment , discovering that the benefits are pretty much unheard of at the other available jobs ( at least right away ) and the pay is competitive . He finally has a place to live in a trailer with two other guys provided by T & E . We await the news of when our " family trailer " will arrive in Williston and be ready for us to occupy it . I 've set a date of Nov 21 to depart NC and have made arrangements with a moving company . November 18th I sign a contract with Laura Farrell ( of ILoveArdmore . com ) to find tenants for me . She calls me later that day with a young well - qualified family , ready to sign a lease . Quick work ! November 21 , a grad - school couple signs a lease for the upstairs unit . . . did I mention I love Laura ? The best part is that Laura charges a fee for finding tenants but does not manage the property for a portion of the rent each month . EXACTLY what I had been looking for ( Thanks to Etta to turning me on to her ) . The blessings : As if all that work ACTUALLY getting done on time wasn 't blessing enough , I gained spiritual blessings which I value far more than the temporal ones . I discovered how much I can kick butt at managing a household , children , and a remodel all at the same time . I say it flippantly but I mean in all honesty that I am CAPABLE . In the past , I 've pretty much deferred to Brad on household administrative matters . He 's pretty particular and I 've always found it easier to defer a decision / action to the person who cares the most about how something gets done . It 's not worth it to me to argue a point unless I feel strongly about it . As a result , the last 10 years of marriage have not involved a lot of me making solo decisions . However , this time , because Brad was working SO much , he gave me pretty much complete autonomy to make decisions especially relating to the remodel . It was also up to me to plan and carry out the logistics of everything . I don 't know how many of you have experience with home remodel and if you haven 't you 'll have no idea what it 's like and the challenges it presents . Suffice it to say , I was GRATEFUL for the major renovation we did 2 + years ago and for all that Brad and I both learned about getting that stuff done on a time schedule . I spent every day DOING something . There were no wasted moments . Furthermore , I recognized that being solo and under immense stress , I was going to need some extra armor so I resolved to start reading my scriptures TWICE a day instead of just once and to fill my solo working moments with conference talks via audio and good music . What happened as a result of that was being incredibly in tune with Heavenly Father . I found myself having conversations with Him more often through the day . I would ask what I should do about what kind of stove to choose for upstairs , if I should spend time trying to get cheaper cabinets , if I should move cable lines , what was the best carpet , if I should pay a professional for a certain water line , etc . Silly , it seems , but in a way , I had companionship that I was missing by not having Brad around to ask those questions to . I felt the companionship of the Holy Ghost more because I was filling the " spare time " in my life with scripture , music , and conference talks rather than TV shows , novels , and popular music . John Bytheway , a popular speaker in LDS culture was known in one of his talks for asking the question , " What would you give up to know God ? Would you give up your favorite TV show to know Him ? " We would be hard pressed to use the justification , " How could giving up ONE TV show possibly affect my relationship with Heavenly Father that much ? " I think we foget that " By small and simple things are great things brought to pass ; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise . " During this time I also found a joy in service . I can 't quite recall what made me decide to turn a new leaf but it was before Brad left for ND . I decided that excuses would always find a way of ruining good intentions and that service would not ever be convenient . So I took every available opportunity to serve that arose . I raked my neighbor 's leaves when I was out doing mine one day , I babysat , I made meals , and I called people I knew were having a hard time just to talk . And I found time for it all even though it seemed so silly to be spending any time doing something other than the work that needed to be done so immediately . So lots of people asked me during my single months how I was faring and if I was " really looking forward to being reunited . " Well of course I was looking forward to that and of course the road was hard but I was just so GRATEFUL for that time I was sharing with my Father . Of course I missed Brad but I was also appreciating him more by not having him there because I was appreciating myself and all the talents I had been given and blessed to discover . I was looking forward to being reunited and showing Brad a more beautiful me inside . When Brad and I were married , we wrote our ceremony from the book of Proverbs 31 . And now , when I look back at it , it gives me chills to think of how much of it seems like my life and how I feel about what I have accomplished . When we and the minister spoke those words , it was really a prayer and how little did I know or understand the role the words would play in my life ! 11 The heart of her husband doth safely atrust in her , so that he shall have no need of spoil . 12 She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life . 13 She seeketh wool , and flax , and worketh willingly with her ahands . 14 She is like the merchants ' ships ; she bringeth her food from afar . 15 She ariseth also while it is yet night , and giveth meat to her household , and a portion to her maidens . 16 She considereth a field , and buyeth it : with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard . 17 She girdeth her loins with strength , and strengtheneth her arms . 18 She perceiveth that her merchandise is good : her candle goeth not out by night . 19 She layeth her hands to the spindle , and her hands hold the adistaff . 20 She stretcheth out her hand to the apoor ; yea , she reacheth forth her hands to the needy . 21 She is not afraid of the snow for her household : for all her household are clothed with scarlet . 22 She maketh herself coverings of tapestry ; her aclothing is silk and purple . 23 Her husband is known in the gates , when he sitteth among the elders of the land . 24 She maketh fine linen , and selleth it ; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant . 25 Strength and honour are her aclothing ; and she shall rejoice in time to come . 26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom ; and in her tongue is the law of akindness . 27 She looketh well to the ways of her household , and eateth not the bread of aidleness . 28 Her children arise up , and call her blessed ; her husband also , and he praiseth her . 29 Many daughters have done virtuously , but thou excellest them all . 30 Favour is deceitful , and abeauty is vain : but a woman that bfeareth the Lord , she shall be praised . Hello my blogger friends . I have SOOOOOOOOOOO much to share about my new adventure and so many pictures to upload but unfortunately , picture - free posts are what you 're going to get for a while . I had to buy an air card today from AT & T just so I could stop sending e - mails from my iPhone ( which is amazing in itself but my fingers are tired of that cramped keyboard ) . The card works great but I 've noticed that uploading is a little slow , and also air cards do not provide unlimited usage and I have to keep my downloads and uploads to a minimum so as not to incur exorbitant monthly charges . I 've been here in Williston , ND for one week and one day . We 've been living in our house ( mobile home ) for 3 nights . We 've only had hot water for 1 day . We 've had cold running water for 2 days and we still don 't have a properly functioning sewer system . I have no idea where one is supposed to put trash in this place and I 'm getting a little tired of burying the kid 's do in the yard . ( Oh yes I did ! ) But we have a place to sleep and it 's got heat which is a HUGE blessing considering we still didn 't know where we were going to live when we left NC . I 've been researching internet here and at my location I cannot get anything faster than basic DSL which is probably fine for most people . However , I 've been living a plush bandwidth life for some time as we had the very fastest broadband connection we could get while living in NC . DSL seems a lot like dial - up to me in comparison to what I had . I know . . . snob right ? Well some DSL might be ok if it weren 't going to be a minimum of a MONTH before I can get it . So I 'll just pay for my meager 3G internet connection in the meantime , thank - you very much . We are so very glad to be here finally though , despite the fact that Dad actually does work at LEAST 12 hour days EVERY day except Sunday . Just knowing we 're all in the same 10 mile radius really does make it nicer . I certainly haven 't been any less busy since being here though . There 's all this unpacking and reorganization taking place . I hate moving into a new place and trying to figure out how you are going to make all your stuff work . Moving from a 5 bedroom house to a 3 bedroom single - wide is difficult even if I did leave a LOT of stuff behind . Nevertheless , the place is larger AND nicer than I expected which is a plus . This place ( Williston , ND ) is absolutely fascinating . I really feel like I must be on some other planet sometimes . The pace of life here is so much faster . Everyone is in a hurry and every place of business is busy . It 's amazing to me how drastically different the overall feel of it is . In NC , ( and out of NC ) , I knew so many people out of work . I knew so many businesses slumping under economic recession . Life for many seemed to crawl along . People were barely making it and many getting laid off . It 's strange that all of that is still happening when all around me there are people working at ALL hours of the day , through the holiday and every business having a " Now Hiring " sign outside . There is such a need for things to be done NOW NOW NOW ! There 's a waiting list for EVERYTHING and there 's no real answer on WHEN things will get done . I have to tell you though , that the most fascinating thing to me is that despite the rush and lack of available service , everyone is absolutely PLEASANT . You 'd think that people , not really being worried about whether they can keep their job , and knowing how many other jobs are out there , would take the opportunity to be total slackers and not care in the least about customer service . That just isn 't the case though . EVERYONE I have dealt with in a business fashion has been SO nice and SO helpful and so HAPPY . It 's not just customer service . It 's the lady in Wal - Mart who assures me over and over " Oh it 's fine ! Don 't you worry about it in the least ! " when I apologize for my children being painfully unaware of the inconvenience they are causing her by not moving out of the way . It 's the fact that I 'm sitting at a green light for a good minute because I 'm not paying attention and NOBODY honks at me to get my butt moving . It 's the guy who definitely looks like he works outdoors on a drilling rig ( it 's 20 degrees and snowing ) telling me to go ahead of him in line because Iyov 's acting like a nut - job and I just want to get him away from the public ASAP . I don 't think I have encountered a single person who is sour , in a bad mood , or just plain tired the entire time I 've been here . I haven 't observed any cross words between anyone in a store or elsewhere . that carpet is NASTY . I just ripped up old carpet and pad in the upstairs bedroom and I could not WAIT to wash my hands . It stunk . And carpet dirt isn 't like dirt in your backyard . It has this clingy residue that sticks to you and I am honestly grimacing right now just thinking about it . And then when I was finally done , I scrubbed my hands and then stripped my clothes off . Y . U . C . K . In the interest of my lack of time , I 've inserted part of my journal entry here so that I don 't have to repeat myself . But I wanted to blog about it and figured , hey , I can just cut and paste and voila ! Anyway , see below : Well , I am not going to get into the day - to - day goings on . There 's not enough time . It 's already 11 : 30 PM and I should be in bed . But I was feeling so GOOD today and GRATEFUL I felt like I should really sacrifice a little in order to talk about it in my journal . You just never know who is going to read it . First of all , I am IN LOVE with my husband . He is so GOOD . He always wants to improve and will do ANYthing for ANYone and I just love that . He gets that service is never convenient and inconvenience and pretty much anything in general should not stop us from trying to help others . And he works hard . No , he works REALLY REALLY HARD . He goes and goes and goes and really doesn 't complain about the fact that most of his waking hours are dedicated to working . I work all day too but at least a lot of it involves my kids who are awesome , by the way . They have their moments , especially Novan , practically daily , but when it 's all said and done , they are all full of awesomeness . Speaking of kids , I am thankful for them today . They do funny things all the time . They are so full of wonder and amazement with life . Granted , life is pretty easy at this point for them , but still , I wish we all could retain some of the wild abandon that kids possess . Anyway , today Novan insisted on not wearing a diaper to bed . Actually he 's been saying since his birthday pretty regularly that he is six and thus too old to wear a diaper . Yeah , I wish . I haven 't wanted to concede to this idea because I just don 't have time to wash sheets every day right now . I told him to wait til we move to ND and then we can try not wearing a diaper to bed again . Well tonight he said he just wasn 't going to wear one . I really didn 't feel like fighting that battle but trust me when I say I do not have high hopes that he will wPosted by If you are on facebook then you have already seen it but this is for those of you who aren 't . So when they first started painting , I was a little worried that I 'd gone too bold on the color . Exterior paint really gets a brightness boost in the sunlight . Keep that in mind when you are choosing exterior colors . However , the more they painted , the more I liked it . Then when the black went on , I was sold . It just looks so dang good . I do think it 's on the edge of eye - catching and too much but is still safely on the pleasingly eye - catching side . I 've been working upstairs mostly these days getting it ready now , to rent . I 've been getting a laundry room put in and closet as well as a small kitchen . And I 'm repainting practically everything . That 's time consuming . But I have the best visiting teacher I 've ever had who has been over to help me paint so many times that I 've lost count . She has a baby the same age as Keshet so the two of them are usually sleeping at the same time for a couple hours while we knock out all the painting . It 's nice to have a painting partner . It helps me feel motivated when I am already so sick of it . A few other things have happened like having some guys from church help me move furniture to the storage unit , arranging for gravel to go in the driveway , getting carpet quotes for the upstairs bedroom , buying electrical supplies for Shane ( mentioned in an earlier post ) to run lines for the kitchen , and packing . . . . always with the packing . Ugh . I really wish I had a better idea of what our future held and then I would know what I could get rid of . But I don 't . So I 'll probably arrive in Williston , ND with enough crap to fill up half of our single - wide top to bottom . Seriously , everything about that place is a pain so far . Housing is still up in the air and we 've yet to find an available storage facility in a 50 mile radius . Brad keeps telling me that the place is nuts and I just won 't " get it " until I get there and see for myself . I believe it though . Anyway , thanks to my in - laws , I 'm in the midst of a kid - free weekend ( with the exception of Keshet who doesn 't really count because she 's so good and doesn 't mind breast milk for every meal ) so I 've been kicking butt on finishing up upstairs . And it 's reeeeeeally quiet around here . It 's eerie . But I am seriously loving this . Wish Gammy and Grandad would move closer to ND so I can have one of these long weekends once a year at least . I have to just put a note here that this costume was given to Novan by one of his teachers at school . They all know how much Novan loves transformers and one of the teachers saw this costume at a consignment sale and knew Novan just had to have it . That 's just the kind of teachers they are . That 's really the kind of school it is . And I am going to sorely miss it . And so is he . You wouldn 't believe the kinds of things he 's learned there and he 's really just a kindergartener . He gets spelling words every week . I believe last week 's words were : wind , water , boat , fish , sun . Novan knows what prepositions and pronouns are and he can name off many of the countries of the world off of a map . They learn about volcanoes and bugs and they talk about what an island is and Novan will tell you his favorite country is Jamaica . He can add numbers together in his head , even 300 + 200 and count by twos , fives , tens , and hundreds . My MIL told me just today how Novan was pointing out that there was a " diversity " of cookies in her cookie bag . And he talks to people . He actually answers questions that strangers ask him and when Dad calls every night , Novan just goes on and on talking about anything and everything . I really do owe it to that school big - time for saving Novan and getting him ready for public school . For the first time I think he could go to school and be alright . LOVE . I love ABC . We are so blessed to have had our kids at that school . Really truly . The before picture was pretty much this old rusty metal fence with lots of vines . Beneath the fence was a bunch of bricks overgrown with more vines , vines growing up the side of the house . . . vines basically . And prickly bush things on the left side . It was rough . I had intended just to get the vines away from the house for now and spray them next year but they hit that place like a tornado and disassembled anything that looked like a vine . It was fantastic ! Then my mom got out her chainsaw ( yeah my mom is an awesome biker chainsaw chick ) and started cutting down anything that gave her a dirty look . There 's just something about holding a piece of machinery that can cut through trees like butter that makes a person want to cut down everything in sight . I had to restrain her before my back yard was tree - less . = ) Then all the young women hauled all that stuff to the curb and we cut it into small enough pieces to satisfy the city . And here we are in front of our haul . These ladies also disassembled the fencing around my garden which was super helpful and now my back yard looks huge . . . also a result of all that chainsaw action . Again , no before picture , sorry ! Also , the wood and stuff is now gone so it really is empty back there . Ok so my mom is not only handy with a chainsaw and motorcycles , she 's also handy with pretty much any tool . I want to be like her when I grow up . Yes I do . One particularly boring but necessary project she undertook was fixing the access points to my sewer main . My sewer main runs down the driveway and has 2 access points that stick up ( according to building code which we were forced to adhere to when we replaced the sewer and water main a year ago ) . I think the reason they stuck up so much was to be high enough to be level with a future driveway but anyway , not having the means to put in a proper driveway , Brad drove over them and broke the caps . So mom dug around them , cut the pipes down , installed new caps and then buried them more properly . So now they are safe to drive over . Purely awesome . I was a little skeptical of the impact a new storm door might make to the look of the house but now that I have one I think all the time " Storm door , where have you been all my life ? ? " I really love it not only for how great it looks but how darn convenient it is to have my main door open and the storm door closed so I can watch my kids on the front porch or across the street with the neighbors . Plus it shuts by itself so I have yelled at my kids approximately 50 % less because I no longer have to yell for them to shut the door behind them . Oh the simple things can really make such a difference ! A few other things have happened too like having 2 windows in my kitchen replaced . What a difference ! I feel like the kitchen is more open because I no longer have those ugly 12 pane windows , yuck ! Plus I can actually SEE through the window . I keep thinking I 've got a hole in my wall I need to fix . My two super awesome visiting teachers Tiffany and Katie , my new neighbor Kate , and I painted : my laundry room a delightful pale green instead of the bright orange that it was , touched up paint in baby 's room , put an entire fresh coat of paint in the kids ' room , and touched up trim paint . Painting the laundry room also involved me pulling out my washer and dryer and cleaning behind it . I found several items that I 've been missing for quite some time like my tape measure . Also , you can see the before color of orange ( ok I was never a fan of orange walls but I did it for Brad who LOVES orange and I thought if he could have any color he wanted on the wall , I 'd let him have the laundry room . I think that makes me a pretty terrific wife ) We believe in being honest , true , chaste , benevolent , virtuous , and in doing good to all men ; indeed , we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul - We believe all things , we hope all things , we have endured many things , and hope to be able to endure all things . If there is anything virtuous , lovely , or of good report or praiseworthy , we seek after these things . Oh yeah ! My kids are memorization rock stars ! ( They get those skills from me by the way ) And yes , they did have incentive , $ 50 each to spend on whatever they want . So I took them to the store for a shopping spree and it was like Christmas around here . . . except better I think because they picked out EXACTLY what they wanted and it was in the wake of a huge accomplishment . Honestly I think I should get a reward too because making those kids practice EVERY day was no picnic . Sometimes I felt like I was pulling teeth . But it was so worth it ! I 've really been busy but also quite blessed , not to mention entertained by my 4 . Here 's one I captured of Novan doing . . . . I don 't know . But I found him like this . He really adores Keshet and loves to be cuddled with her in any way possible . And then there 's Iyov , of course , ever the entertainer . I also found him like this . And FYI , he 's got no pants on . Such a blessing these kids are . I really have the best job . It never gets old . There 's always something new and as my friend Melissa 's blog touts , every day holds simple surprises that make it all worth it . And as a teaser for next time . Here 's a project we just started a couple days ago . Ok , I didn 't really do anything except choose colors and hand over money . : - ) . . . and taupe is a fancy way of saying " boring . " But that 's just me . I know there are plenty of people who go for the boring route on paint but I guess Brad and I spent way to many years renting and enjoying the boring side of paint . So when we bought our house , we pacted to paint much more interesting colors . There are plenty of rooms that need touching up after 2 + years of little tornados running through the hall and little girls who think their art belongs in a permanent setting . But there are two rooms that I planned to repaint . One of those is the living room . Of all the paint colors in my house , that room has " gotten old " and besides that , I knew if I wanted to rent it out , I should probably opt for a color that would appeal to a wider audience . So this General Conference weekend , my project was to paint . Here 's the before picture . I 'd like to throw in there that the picture is after I took the TV off the wall . It was pretty difficult because the TV is really heavy and there was this hex bolt holding it in place that I could not find the right tool to remove it so I had to use a lot of force to get it out of the bracket . Then here is the after picture . Pretty plain , huh ? Well I 'm not sure why the picture is so grainy but the color is pretty much accurate . It 's very very pale blue . I refused to do anything beige or boring . Light blue was the best I could do and still feel like the room had any color at all . The project took me pretty much the whole weekend but it 's done ! Finally , I did some work outside picking up the bricks strewn around the yard , moving some stumps and stuff . But one of the things I have thought over and over is that I wish my spigot was not over dirt . I always wanted some kind of rocks or concrete or something beneath it where you wouldn 't get your shoes filthy when you went to turn on or off the spigot . So I took some bricks I gathered and put a nice little " patio " under the spigot . It took me about an hour and a half because I had to level the ground well enough that it didn 't look completely ghetto . I 'm pleased with the outcome and now I can turn on the water ( helpful for all this grass watering I 've been doing ) without getting my feet all dirty and tracking the dirt in the house . Yay ! It 's a variety of plants that I guess you could call " decorative grass " as it 's a clumpy sort of thing with grass - like leaves of varying colors and patterns . Well , it turns out I have a bunch of this stuff in my yard and of all the plants that appear to be " landscaped in " at some point in the history of my house , they seem to be the heartiest as they seem to like growing just about anywhere in any conditions . A while back , Brad and I transplanted a bunch of these from the backyard to line our front porch with . Since learning about their hearty quality , I have been mulling over the idea of transplanting the rest of them from the back yard into a more landscaped setting . Specifically , I wanted to move them to the side yard bed which before was a dirt patch full of weeds and a couple small bushes . When my sister came to visit this past weekend I decided it was the perfect project to put her to work with . It 's funny that every time a family member on my side visits , they get a project . Maybe that 's why they don 't visit often . = ) Actually , I think they prefer it that way . So Sarah ( my sister ) and I transformed this once forgotten and forlorn plot of dirt into a lovely and hearty and pretty much maintenance free curb appeal . Once we had transplanted everything , I bought a bunch of mulch from Lowe 's to make it all purty - like and also to help manage the weeds that are sure to grow in the future . I have a LOT of varieties of this liriope in my yard spread everywhere so this patch is quite a sampling . I also worked on getting those 10x10 border beams into a straight line instead of looking like they were just thrown on the ground ( which is how they looked before ) . This is kind of a big one and ongoing . It involves a little packing , a little storing , and a lot of purging . Since we will be moving to ND to probably a smaller and possibly already furnished space , I have been whittling down what I think I will be bringing . Everything else is being put in the attic . The attic , consequently , is being gone through and stuff that is inevitably in storage for the duration of it 's life is either being thrown away or donated to a yard sale which will happen and Novan and Beya 's school ( ABC of NC ) for a fundraiser . Other items , which might possibly be of worth to the right person is going to be put on Craig 's list . Purging is one of my favorite things to do . I just love getting rid of things . Except for stuff in my fridge apparently . Brad could tell you all about the crazy mold and fungus I 've grown in there over the years . Anyway , I have loved going through things and getting rid of so much of it . A lot of the stuff I 've forgotten I even had which is an excellent excuse to get rid of it . I think I 'm going to single - handedly stock this yard sale . Packing is happening slowly as I mull over the necessity of everything . Almost all of my decorative items are being stored along with photo albums , pictures , and almost ALL of our HUGE book collection . My downstairs and upstairs is kind of turned upside - down at the moment but I actually have accomplished over half of these packing , purging , donating , bringing tasks . No picture . That would be boring . Electrical Work . We had some odds and ends that needed tying up . I 'll spare you the details . The most interesting part was getting a new ceiling fan in the kid 's room . Obviously my part was picking out a ceiling fan and then buying all the things I needed for the other electrical odd jobs . Fortunately Shane Burgess from church did the electrical work for me for a reasonable price . Here 's a pic of the fan . I know it 's probably not that interesting to you but it just looks sooo much better than the piece of junk that was there before . I 'm kind of in love with this grass . I go outside just to look at it sometimes . . . mostly because it just keeps seems to be getting thicker and thicker with each passing hour . I 'm feeling pretty triumphant . . . and possibly a little too prideful . I should probably go repent now . Melissa suggested I should post pictures of my porch handiwork and I figured the only thing that was going to be happening in my life in the next couple months is whatever project is occupying me and my daily thoughts are probably going to be about whatever the next project is . Well I strive to be a capable person and I think that I might like to show off what I 've done . I probably won 't take pictures of EVERYTHING though because some of it is mundane such as touching up paint . Who wants to see pictures of that ? Not me . I don 't even want to take pictures of something that boring . Project # 1 was actually touching up trim paint around the house , which I 've done , for the most part , except for places behind heavy furniture I haven 't gotten to yet . I finally got around to painting over the primer white shoe mold in my kitchen which actually gave it some pep and I was impressed . I painted the window trim in the kitchen which had previously only been primered . . . shhh ! I don 't think anyone ever noticed that . I also painted the front and back doors ( inside ) because you know , of all the things in your house , doors seem to take the worst hit with hand prints and general staining . Sometimes its just easier to paint over than clean , ya know ? Project # 2 The porch floor . I might remind you that my porch was 100 % replaced almost 2 years ago . We primered and painted the flooring ( which is a tongue and groove type flooring in trying to keep with the original concept of the 1920s when it was built ) at that time . It started to chip within a couple of months so we painted it AGAIN . Then it started chipping again some time after that . And before you ask , we bought floor grade latex paint so it was SUPPOSED to hold up to foot traffic . Not so ! So the question had become what the heck we were going to do about it . I had originally wanted to paint an oil based paint over it . I don 't know . Oil - based , in theory seems like sturdier stuff . The Lowes guy convinced us that the best course of action was to strip the latex paint off of it and put down a stain . So I KNEW how difficult stripping could be and I told Brad , under no circumstances am I going to strip that thing by myself . Brad , having no experience with stripping , thought " Oh sure , I 'll help ! It will be a piece of cake ! " Well I think he gets it now . It became clear , rather quickly , that it was NOT going to be an easy job . Fortunately , my mom came into town in the early stages of the project and pretty much took over the project with my occasional help . She got all the right tools and perfected a method that got all the paint off while , when Brad and I did it , we stripped most of the paint and sanded off the rest . So here 's the finished product , after I put 2 coats of stain on it . I realize it looks like paint but its a very opaque stain . And I didn 't get a picture right after so it 's dirty from traffic while I was in the middle of project # 3 which I 'll show you next . Project # 3 The gutter downspouts . Long story short , I buried piping that led from the gutter downspout to the hole in the retaining wall around our front yard so gutter water can easily get to the street . Fortunately , the trench for the piping was mostly dug from like a year ago but I had to use a hacksaw to shorten the gutter downspout and the piping and then dig up packed down dirt to bury the pipe . Not much to see but this is after I buried it , plus the picture will give you an idea of what the yard looks like after project # 4 . Project # 4 I think it 's a man thing to want grass because Brad has been trying for years to get grass to grow on our front yard . His method has pretty much been the same , throw seed down and water it . We had the argument over and over that I didn 't think grass was ever going to grow because the dirt is packed down and seed is just washing down the hill . Since I took the project over I got some straw to put over the seed to hold in moisture and hopefully prevent some of the seed from washing away . Plus , despite the fact that I hate watering , I 've been watering it daily . So the outcome of this project remains to be seen . Novan and Beya are in school for 6 hours a day and Iyov is always somewhere trying his best to stay in trouble . Keshet prefers to watch me . . . at least I hope she does as she doesn 't have much choice . She spends her waking hours observing my projects so I guess you could call her my foreman , or forewoman , or maybe just forebaby . So cute ! One of my favorite qualities about Brad is that he is willing to do whatever it takes . I suppose the term is " tenacity " and it 's no ordinary commitment he has to our family . It 's more than working long hours or sleeping little . Brad 's willing to look like an idiot , venture into the unknown , endure physical and emotional stress , and everything in between . I 've never in my life known anyone who will go to such extremes as he will . Brad was watching a special on CNBC about North Dakota and how it has 0 unemployment , how there are plenty of jobs , how there 's nowhere to live because housing can 't be built fast enough , and how salaries are incredibly competitive due to a large oil find in Bakken shale around Williston , ND . We began to consider our current financial situation . . . the same situation we always seem to be in , and how it would be really nice to have a cush JOB working for the man and paying off some massive debt we 've accrued . Even in a seemingly forsaken place like ND , where it apparently gets 20 below zero ( I don 't even know how to imagine that ) , we would be willing to live for a period of time if we could just stop worrying about our bills so much every month . You get tired of it , you know ? Considering how the stock market has recently given our income a downturn , it seemed somewhat like a call to action - - drastic action . And so my DH , being the amazing man that he is , who is always up for any challenge , is off to ND , to seek our fortune ( so to speak ) . It feels kind of like we are prospectors looking to find our fortune in the gold rush . I have been feeling a strange urge to don a bonnet , petticoat , and possibly pull a handcart ; - ) So in the last few weeks , as we 've been preparing for his departure , I 've been resume tweaking , making home repair lists , and mentally preparing my children for their father 's imminent departure . Not to mention undertaking some projects . . . like stripping and staining my front porch ( I owe my mom BIG for helping me out on that project . I LOVE having such a capable mother ) . People , who have known that Brad is leaving , have been asking me what the plan is , ie , where we will live , how long we 'll be separated , what his job will be , where he will stay in the interim , etc . Well I just don 't know . You may not believe me but it is IMPOSSIBLE to get a reservation at a hotel in Williston , ND . There is such a huge influx of people that the hotels stay booked as people are living there and paying 150 $ + per night . There are man camps . . . tents , RVs , etc where the excess stay and my DH will most likely be in his car until he actually accepts a job offer . He actually has already gotten a job offer ( which includes housing arrangements among other tantalizing bonuses ) but we plan to see what else is available , in person , before accepting any job . Once he has a job , I will be working like a mad woman , trying to get our house ready to rent and then myself and the kids will be following Brad out there . We are hoping that we will only be there 3 years max because , let 's face it , working in oil drilling just isn 't Brad 's dream job and our agreement , when we decided to do this , was to do everything we could to keep Magnum Opus Financial alive in the meantime . We now even have a full - time employee to man the ropes during the trading day . Brad is good at that , and he loves it ( most of the time ) and it 's extremely important to me that he has a career that makes him feel fulfilled . So there you have it . Another crazy Kelly adventure . I 'm pretty sure I 'm going to write an autobiography one day . Every time I think about our life thus far , I think we must be nuts . But hopefully it means we just have a lot of faith , a lot of that " enduring to the end " stuff we hear about in church so much . Today was a sad day though . Beya summed it up in the following picture that she drew of herself " sad because Dad left . " Notice the very sad looking face . Of all of my children , I worry about Novan the most . He gets the most bent out of shape when things change and especially when Dad isn 't around . The following picture pretty much demonstrates his thoughts on the day : One person seemed rather unaffected , at least ( other than Keshet who was sleeping the whole time ) . Or maybe it was because he thought he could stow away . Either way , it 's hard to be sad with this smile around . Me ? Well , I might LOOK like I 'm taking it all in stride , but I was pretty much aching inside . It sucked . Big time . It pretty much gave me a new appreciation for military husbands who are deployed 18 months at a time . At least my husband won 't be shot at . . . and something has gone terribly wrong if I have to wait 18 months before I see him again . So I suppose it could be worse . But it was still pretty awful . I am so fortunate though , to have a husband who will do whatever it takes . I seriously love this guy .
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Last summer I attended the wedding of one of my former colleagues . I taught at a small high school for 7 years before switching to the high school I 've been teaching at for the past 12 years . Tom was a social studies teacher in the room across the hall from me for 6 of those 7 years . He left the year before I did , but I still know members of his family in the area and was able to keep tabs on him . I was excited when I received in invitation to his wedding last summer and was hoping to reconnect with others I had worked with . That 's exactly what happened . It 's funny how we can all live within 20 miles of each other and never run into each other . It was really nice seeing everyone and we all promised that we 'd get together soon for lunch . A few weeks after the wedding I received a call with information on the promised lunch gathering . Five of us got together at a local Italian restaurant and had just the best time catching up . While there , I got to see pictures of new grandchildren and grown - up children . I too shared pictures of my boys . . . these ladies remembered holding both of my boys when they were born . I also shared with the others that I had a new baking hobby and showed some of the pictures I had stored on my phone . Dianna was very complementary of my cakes and cupcakes . It was a fun afternoon . Flash forward to January of this year . Out of the blue , I got a Facebook message from from Dianna 's daughter . She was getting married and wondered if I 'd make the cake . I told her that I didn 't make wedding cakes , but she was very persistent . She called me on the phone and told me how she had looked at my pictures on Facebook and she really wanted me to do this . She must have given me the right number of complements , because I finally said yes . She was only asking for a small cake for the wedding party . . . a cousin was making cupcakes for the guests . A cousin was making cupcakes . Are you thinking what I thought ? Am I not the cupcake queen ? What was I doing making the cake ? Why did I agree to all of this ? She wanted a 2 - tier red velvet cake with cream cheese frosting . I was really concerned about the cream cheese frosting . She told me the reception was going to be in a barn in October . October in Illinois can be cold , hot , rainy , humid , dry . . . it 's so unpredictable . I tried to talk her out of it , but I just couldn 't . I went on CakeCentral . com and asked for advice there . One of the posters , carmijok , shared her cream cheese recipe with me and it worked beautifully . . . not runny and easy to work with . I site of the reception eventually got changed to an indoor venue . I had less to worry about when I learned that information . So , flash forward to this weekend . The wedding was yesterday . We had Parent / Teacher conferences this week , so I was done at school at 12 : 30 on Friday . I had the whole afternoon to bake and decorate . . . so I thought . I ended up going to our high school football game because it was the 1st round of the playoffs and the band was playing at half - time ( son # 1 is in the band ) . That took a couple of hours out of my day . . . but I was able to get the whole thing done by 1 : 30 a . m . I started off by baking two 6 - inch round and two 8 - inch round red velvet cakes . I wanted to make each tier three layers . So then I leveled , cut , and assembled each tier . Crumb coating is a must . . . especially with red velvet . Red velvet crumbs get everywhere . . . and . . . I have never made a red velvet cake where I haven 't stained everything in my kitchen red . Why does everyone love red velvet so much ? After the crumb coat was all smooth , I started adding more frosting . I had some real issues getting it smooth . . . and the darn red velvet kept bleeding through . So I added more frosting . That really seemed to do the trick . Next came the part that makes me the most nervous . . . stacking . I used 5 straws for support , each cut at the same height and inserted into the bottom tier . I had my ruler out and tried to mark the cake so that the top tier would be centered . I think I did okay . The whole cake was 7 inches tall . It was now time to decorate . Trisha asked for scroll work on the cake as well as a " B " for her new last name . She wanted a blue border ( Pepsi can blue ) as well . I used a stencil for the " B " and a round fondant cutter for the circle , but all the scroll work was free - hand . That part made me very nervous . I was also concerned about getting the cardboard cake circle under the top tier covered up . It all worked out though . I even hid a heart in the back as a little surprise for the bride and groom . This cake was far from perfect . . . and it was a little stressful making it . I don 't think I ever want to do one again . I 'm glad I had the experience , but now I 'm done . : ) When it rains it pours . I 'll go for so long without any reason to bake , and then BAM . . . lots of reasons to make cupcakes . This past Sunday , my husband was having a cookout with some of his co - workers . . . he should take cupcakes . Monday was my friend Beth 's birthday . . . she needs a birthday cupcake . Monday night was the junior high band chili supper . . . I need to supply cupcakes . By my calculations , I was going to need 4 dozen ( I always have to make extra for the boys to take to their girlfriends . . . it 's so cute ) . I used the cake recipe exactly how . . . kevin { & } amanda . . . posted it on their blog . Really the only thing I changed was the frosting . I love the peanut butter buttercream I usually make , so I stuck with that . Personally , I thought the cupcakes were a little dry , but everyone who had one liked it . Maybe I 'm just too picky . I like this recipe , though , because it starts with a box . . . 2 boxes to be exact . In a large bowl , combine peanut butter and butter . Beat on medium speed until light and fluffy ( about 3 - 5 minutes ) . Add eggs one at a time , mixing well after each addition . Add approximately 1 / 3 of the water , and mix on low speed until just combined . Repeat 2 more times with remaining cake mix and water . Preheat oven to 350 . Line 4 standard - sized muffin tins with cupcake liners . Add approximately 2 tbsp of peanut butter cake batter and 2 tbsp of chocolate cake batter to each liner . I found that if I alternated flavors , it swirled batter . Use a knife to gently fold and swirl the cake batter . Peanut Butter Buttercream2 cup butter , softened2 cup creamy peanut butter2 lbs powdered sugar4 tsp vanilla extract6 tbsp heavy creamCream butter and peanut butter . Add powdered sugar and mix until combined . Scrape the bowl , mix on high speed for a minute , then add extract . Mix again before adding the heavy cream . Mix on high speed for 3 minutes . Place chocolate chips in a heat - proof bowl . In a medium saucepan , whisk the heavy cream , vanilla , and sugar and bring to a simmer . Pour over the chocolate chips , let sit for 5 minutes , then whisk until completely smooth . Chill for 1 hour or until the ganache reaches a thick frosting consistency . I tried to follow a tutorial for swirling the peanut butter buttercream and ganache on each cupcake . You can find it at Good Life Eats . Here 's how mine turned out . . . I thought it looked really cool , but it also made a huge mess . I think maybe I didn 't let the ganache chill long enough and it was still too runny . I also quickly discovered that I wouldn 't have enough for 4 dozen cupcakes . I only decorated a dozen this way , and I also added chopped peanut butter cups on top . I packaged them up in my cupcake carrier and away we went to the cookout . My husband loves coconut cream pie . In January , he asked me if I could make coconut cream cupcakes . " Sure , " I said . . . and I got to work looking for a recipe . I found an interesting one on Pinterest which linked me back to Jamie Cooks It Up ! They tasted really good , but the cupcake itself shriveled up when I took it out of the oven . I was a little embarrassed with how small the cupcake ended up being . If you 've read my blog before , then you know that my friend Leesa is always asking me to make cupcakes for her . Well . . . she asked again last week . She was going to go visit her parents and wanted to take cupcakes . She asked for the coconut cream cupcakes . The funny part of this story is that Leesa and I were standing in the teachers ' lounge talking about cupcakes when another one of our coworkers walked in . She didn 't know what kind of cupcakes we were talking about when she said , " You need to make more of those coconut cupcakes . They 're my favorite . " Kris was delighted when she found out that I was making them for Leesa . I really didn 't want these cupcakes to shrivel up again so I spent several days trying to figure out what I did wrong . Did I not bake them long enough ? Was there too much liquid in the recipe ? Was it because the recipe called for both oil and sour cream ? I really wasn 't sure what I should try tweaking . I was so thrilled when I took the cupcakes out of the oven and they didn 't shrivel . Then I tasted one . . . it was light and fluffy and delicious . I am so proud of myself . Combine everything and mix with an electric mixer for 2 minutes . Put cupcake liners into muffin tins and fill 2 / 3 full . Bake at 350 for 19 minutes . I was able to get 36 cupcakes . Beat the butter and shortening together with an electric mixer until smooth . Add the milk and coconut extract . Beat in powdered sugar in three installments . Beat until well combined . If it seems a bit too thick , add more milk . Load a piping bag with the coconut filling and squirt some into the center of each cupcake . Pipe a bit of Coconut Buttercream on top of a few cupcakes at a time and then carefully roll it in the toasted coconut . I like my buttercream piled high on my cupcakes , so I tend to put a lot on top . You may need to cup your hand over the top of the cupcake to make sure the toasted coconut sticks to the buttercream . So Leesa took 15 Coconut Cream Cupcakes to her family , I took 1 to Kris ( because they 're her favorite ) , I gave one to another colleague because tomorrow is his 25th birthday , I gave 6 to my friend Ginger ( she always wants 6 cupcakes when I bake . . . I used to have a cupcake box with her name on it that I was instructed to fill every time I baked ) , and my sons took one to their respective girlfriends . For those of you doing the math , that only left 11 cupcakes for my family to eat . That 's a good thing , because if there are cupcakes here then I 'm going to eat them . If I eat them , I have to go out and run more often . . . and although I do enjoy running , I 'd rather not be bogged down with cupcakes . . . even if they are as delicious as these Coconut Cream Cupcakes . To recap . . . My friend , Leesa , asked me to make a Peach Cobbler cupcake . My two thoughts were to 1 ) bake the peaches inside the cupcake and 2 ) make a peach filling for the cupcakes . So I decided to try both thoughts . I already blogged about the the first kind . You can read about it here . So here 's how I made the second Peach Cobbler Cupcake of the day . . . In a bowl , whisk together the flour , baking powder , and salt . In another bowl combine sugars and butter on medium - high speed for 2 - 3 minutes . Add eggs and vanilla and beat until combined . Add flour mixture in 3 additions , alternating with the milk in 1 addition , beating on low speed until just combined . Scrape down the sides of the bowl as needed . Mix sugar , cornstarch , and cinnamon in a saucepan . Stir in peaches and lemon juice . Cook , stirring constantly , until the mixture thickens and boils . Boil and stir for 1 minute . Let cool completely . These were my husband 's favorite . He loved the filling and the brown sugar cupcake . When Leesa taste tested them , she liked both this Peach Cobbler Cupcake and the first Peach Cobbler Cupcake . She felt that this second one was sweeter . They both tasted so different but were both very good . I sent several of both kinds home with Leesa so that her family could taste them . I was really hoping that one would come out as the winner and would be my go - to Peach Cobbler Cupcake . No such luck . Her family liked them both . I guess they both have their qualities . Back in June , my friend Leesa sent me a text . She and her daughter were watching Cupcake Wars and really wanted a cupcake . She wanted to know if I had any . I almost always have leftover cupcakes in the freezer , but on this particular evening , my freezer was cupcake free . We were leaving for vacation in a few days so I pretty much had no food in my house . Leesa and her daughter Athena understood , but then Leesa made a request . She and Athena thought that a peach cobbler cupcake sounded good and that I should try making some . Leesa was the friend who suggested that I make a Pecan Pie Cupcake , and that turned out wonderful . . . so Peach Cobbler was my next adventure . So July came and went , and finally in August I had a free Friday to fool around with cupcakes . I had two thoughts on how to make a Peach Cobbler cupcake . The first thought was to bake the peaches into the cupcake . . . the second thought was to make a peach filling and fill the cupcakes after they had cooled . It was Friday and I had nothing better to do ( well . . . I actually did . . . but I like to avoid responsibility by baking instead ) , so I tried both . Preheat oven to 350 degrees . Line wells in cupcake pan with cupcake liners . In a small bowl make streusel . Add all the ingredients and cut the mixture into crumbles with two knives until it 's about the consistency of coarse cornmeal . Set aside . In a large bowl , cream together butter and sugars . Add the eggs one at a time and mix . Mix in the buttermilk , vanilla , and a little peach syrup . In a separate bowl , sift together flour , baking soda , baking powder , salt , cinnamon , and nutmeg . Add a little to the flour mixture at a time , mixing well after each addition . Beat the batter for an additional 2 minutes . I thought these cupcakes tasted kind of like a peach coffee cake . When I make these again , however , I think I will add more peaches to each cupcake . I added about 3 peach chunks to each one . . . it needed more . On a side note . . . If you are going to use canned peaches ( like I did ) , make sure that they are drained and dried . Before I started , I placed the peach chunks on a paper towel and blotted them dry . I then let them sit there and dry for quite a while . When I was all done , I texted Leesa to see if she wanted to come taste them . She did . She agreed with me that they were very good but really did need more peaches in them . So . . . a couple of weeks ago we took a trip to Washington D . C . Craig and I were going for a teacher convention and decided to take the boys out for a family vacation as well . Since my sister lives just outside of D . C . , everything fell into place . We flew out a week early , stayed with my sister , and did some sight seeing with the boys . Craig and I then took the Metro into our hotel while the boys spent another week out in the burbs . It was really , really hot the entire time we were in D . C . , but on one particular day we decided to brave the heat and headed out to Georgetown . We took the blue line and then had to walk about a mile to make it to Georgetown Cupcakes . Along the way , we passed Sprinkles , but I was on a mission to try a Georgetown cupcake , so we didn 't stop . This is the place , after all , where they film the show DC Cupcakes . I 've read all kinds of reviews where people had to wait in a line outside for 30 to 45 minutes before even getting into the store . Can you imagine . . . a cupcake store with a hostess ? We must have gotten there at the right time , though , because we only had to wait outside for a couple of minutes . While we waited , the hostess gave us each a menu to look over so that we didn 't waste any time when we got inside . When we walked through the door , we were greeted by a beautiful display case full of that day 's cupcakes . I think we all agreed that they were good , but dry . I personally thought that the chocolate icing was fantastic . . . I just couldn 't get over the dryness of the cupcake . The general consensus was that my cupcakes taste better . : ) It was a quaint little place with two very pleasant workers . This time I ordered a chocolate cupcake with peanut butter buttercream . Unfortunately , Craig can 't remember what he had . I paid $ 3 . 25 for each of those cupcakes and he can 't remember what he had . Again , we felt that the cupcakes were pretty dry . We were kind of disappointed . . . . and then went to find Crumbs before going to the Smithsonian Museums . We were quite delighted to find out that Crumbs sold jumbo cupcakes . These huge cupcakes were $ 3 . 75 each , which seemed like a steal after visiting the other two establishments . Craig had a peach cobbler cupcake and I had a chocolate filled chocolate cupcake with chocolate icing . We had to eat them with a spoon . Craig is such a light weight . . . he couldn 't even finish his . I , however , ate every crumb . I was , after all , conducting research . Again , we felt that the cake was dry . What saved this cupcake was the filling . None of the others were filled . Also , this cupcake was a lot for the price . We tried to go to Hello Cupcake , but it was Sunday and they closed a 6 : 00 . . . we got there at 6 : 15 . We also never made it back to Sprinkles . I guess I 'll just have to go back to finish my research . All in all , we felt that my cupcakes taste better . Everyone we tried was dry . Is it because they are mass produced ? Is it because they 've been sitting in the cases for a while ? I 'm not sure I know the answers . I was a little concerned that I was going to gain too much weight from all this research . The 110 degree days and all the walking we did help a lot though . I was pleased that I was still able to fit into the dress I brought for our evening out . : ) So I 've discovered that there 's a world where cupcakes are acceptable for any meal . I used to think they were only good for desserts , snacks , and celebrations . . . but now I 've discovered breakfast cupcakes . Now , I know what you 're thinking . You 're probably asking yourself , " Aren 't these called muffins ? " The answer to that is , " No ! " They are really cupcakes that just taste like breakfast items . Earlier , I wrote about Blueberry Pancake Cupcakes . Today , however , I 'm going to tell you about French Toast Cupcakes . Directions Preheat oven to 350 . Line 24 cupcake cups with paper liners . Mix cake mix , pudding packet , milk , oil , eggs , and cinnamon in a large mixing bowl . Blend with an electric mixer until smooth ( approximately 2 minutes ) . Spoon batter into each lined cupcake cup , filling it 2 / 3 full . Bake approximately 15 - 20 minutes , until an inserted toothpick comes out clean . Remove the pans from the oven and place them on a wire rack . Cool completely before frosting . To assemble , I loaded up my piping bag with the maple buttercream and a large star tip and made a pretty little pile on top . I then sprinkled with some powdered sugar . In hindsight , a strip of bacon might have made a nice garnish for this cupcake . I don 't really understand why my mother wouldn 't let me have things like pie and cake for breakfast when I was a kid . How is this any different from donuts and Pop Tarts ? Yea . . . I know . . . I won 't let my kids have cake and pie for breakfast either . I save it for other people 's kids . When I met my husband , I made sure he knew how to cook before I would agree to date him . I don 't know how to cook and I have no desire to learn . Baking is where it 's at . Most of my adventures in baking , however , turn into lessons of what not to do .
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My in - laws just picked up a new Fisher - Price toy for Tyler that included an insert for recycling button cell batteries . I couldn 't help wondering about the purpose of the insert - after all , I 'd never seen one encouraging me to recycle alkaline batteries used in toys . It turns out that button cell batteries contain mercury , which can be poisonous . To find a recycling center for button cell batteries , Mattel ( Fisher - Price 's parent company ) recommends the site Earth911 with these instructions : Type your zip / postal code in the upper left hand box . Click GO . Click on HOUSEHOLD HAZARDOUS WASTE under the heading LOCAL SERVICES . Click on MERCURY CONTAINING ITEMS , located in the first column of the Household Hazardous Waste box in the middle of the page . Locate the nearest Household Hazardous Waste ( HHW ) Facility to take your Button Cell Battery ( ies ) . If there isn 't a recycling center in your area , you can call Mattel at 800 - 432 - 5437 and they 'll will send you a pre - paid mailing envelope to return the batteries . Labels : recycling I 've seen chefs make polenta many times on television but I 've had it a few times at restaurants and not liked it . It seems like the kind of thing I should like , though , so I decided to try making it myself . The first time , I bought a package of cooked polenta ( like this one ) from Trader Joe 's , cut off slices and sauteed them . I still didn 't like them . Then last week I came upon this package of corn grits / polenta and it looked really appealing . So I pulled out my copy of Brilliant Food Tips and Cooking Tricks by David Joachim , which is one of my trusty reference cookbooks . I followed the recipe pretty closely ( I skipped the fresh herbs since I didn 't have any ) and the polenta looked good . It was the right consistency and texture . I should have loved it . But I didn 't . Not to worry . I had a back up plan . I poured the polenta into a baking dish and put it in the fridge overnight . The next day , I cut out 1 1 / 2 - inch circles and sauteed them in a tiny bit of olive oil . Again , they looked great - toasty brown patties made a little gooey on the inside from the Parmesan cheese . But I don 't know what it is , I just wasn 't crazy about them . It 's not that they were bad - I ate quite a few of them . But I didn 't love them the way I thought I should . I think I 'm going to give polenta one more shot - after all , I still have the package of grits / polenta and Clotilde Dusoulier 's Crisp Polenta Triangles ( with walnuts and Beaufort cheese ) is mouthwatering . But I 'm not holding out too much hope . Even though I didn 't love the sauteed polenta , I thought it would make great toddler - friendly food . You could also bake the rounds instead of sauteeing them to keep the fat content down . Add in a little bit of finely chopped spinach or finely grated carrot and your toddler will never know he or she just ate some veggies along with the corn and cheese . Labels : food My previous parent hacks are here and here . If your children 's artwork is starting to take over your house because you can 't bear to toss them , consider scanning them . You 'll then have a digital version of the art without needing to set aside an entire room to house the masterpieces . We keep our favorites and give the rest to the grandparents and great - grandparents . The next step up from the last hack is to create an image that combines several " lesser " pieces to make them more interesting . : ) If ( like me ) you don 't like using permanent marker on your child 's cups and containers ( I have to label everything that Alex takes to daycare ) , use a small piece of painter 's masking tape as a label . It will peel off easily and is very inexpensive . A $ 1 roll lasted for over a year and a half . ( The masking tape is also great for labeling containers you put in the fridge or freezer . ) Labels : parenthacks I recently posted about tracking my expenses in Quicken , and I realized that I haven 't mentioned that it 's the single - most important thing we do to manage our money . If you 're serious about reducing your expenses and saving money , the single best thing you can do is keep a log of your spending . It 's not easy - not so much because it 's hard to record every penny you spend , but because psychologically it can be daunting to confront the truth about your spending . However , if you do this for a week , then take a look at your log and see where you can cut back , you 'll most likely find that you can save hundreds of dollars with a few changes . For example , many people spend more on eating out than they realize , whether it 's picking up a bagel and coffee in the morning , grabbing a candy bar from the vending machine or cafeteria at work , or not appreciating how much buying lunch every day adds up . Some people are surprised at how much they 're spending on clothes or even gas . In our case , there have been some major changes in our spending since Alex was born . There 's the obvious cost of daycare , but we also eat out a lot more and spend more on clothes , toiletries , and a small fortune on diapers and toys . It 's also costing us upwards of $ 50 to gas up our Nissan Altima nowadays . I 'll be the first to admit that we don 't always stick to our spending plan , but tracking our expenses in Quicken makes it easy for me to figure out where we went astray and what changes we can make to stay within our budget . And that means increased savings , less debt , and more vacations . When you 're ready to take another step forward , check out Lifehack 's tips for living on a tight budget . Labels : money management See my previous posts on this topic here , here , here , and here . As of my last update , the amount I 've spent breastfeeding Tyler was $ 537 . But as I knew it would , the amount has now exceeded my target budget of $ 600 . I 'm up to $ 657 after buying another two bottles of More Milk Special Blend ( $ 110 ) and another package of Lansinoh Milk Storage Bags ( $ 10 ) . A couple of notes about those products : I could probably stop taking the Special Blend at this point , but I 'm too afraid to risk my milk supply . Tyler will start solids very soon , though , and once he 's nursing less , I 'll probably take less Special Blend . Right now , an 8 - ounce bottle lasts about three weeks . The liquid doesn 't taste great ( I add water to it and then down it in one gulp ) but it 's more economical than taking the More Milk Plus and Goat 's Rue capsules ( the Special Blend is simply a combo of the two products ) . Medela now makes storage bags that attached to your pumping equipment so you can pump right into the bags if you 're going to store your milk . If the bags work , they 're super convenient . I 'm not sure I 'm going to try them , though , since a 25 - count package of Medela bags is $ 10 at Target , the same cost as a 50 - count package of Lansinoh bags . Labels : breastfeeding With the caveat that you should always check with your doctor to get advice tailored to your specific situation , here 's a little about my experience with getting a MRI while breastfeeding . Actually , I needed two MRIs . I checked with Tyler 's pediatrician and was told it would be fine . And it was , for the first one . But for the second MRI , a contrast agent was required . When I told the technologist that I 'm breastfeeding , she said that I shouldn 't breastfeed for 24 hours after getting the contrast agent because it contains a metal and they don 't know how it affects nursing babies . My lactation consultant , Ellen Steinberg , also said I shouldn 't breastfeed for 24 hours after getting the contrast agent . So , I had to make sure that I had enough breastmilk stored for 24 hours worth of bottles . Since Tyler weighs about 17 pounds , Ellen said he needed 30 to 40 ounces in a 24 - hour period . We were pretty diligent about giving Alex a bottle regularly but with the general chaos of our lives now , it hasn 't been a high priority with Tyler , who 's always taken a bottle if he was hungry enough , no matter how infrequently we offered it . And though I worried about whether he 'd get enough to eat , he was a champ about taking the bottles , though he kept turning his head toward my chest and breaking my heart . I also frequently use nursing as a comfort / sleep aid ( I can 't help taking the easy route there ) and living without that was hard , though I discovered that Tyler will now take a pacifier again ( he 'd stopped a couple of months ago ) . It ended up being a total of 26 1 / 2 hours between nursings because I nursed Tyler at 7 : 30 a . m . on the day of the MRI , but didn 't get the contrast agent until about 10 : 00 ( it was injected in the middle of the procedure ) . I don 't know who was happier about being able to nurse again - me or Tyler ! Labels : breastfeeding , health I 've loved reading Clotilde Dusoulier 's Chocolate & Zucchini food blog ever since I discovered it a couple of years ago . I tend very much to read for content rather than style , but there 's something about the way Clotilde writes that I truly enjoy . So I was excited and happy for her when she announced that she was writing a book , which was released last week - two days too late for Mother 's Day . I own very few cookbooks and in fact , I deliberately keep my library to a bare minimum . I treat my cookbooks as reference books more than recipe books , since I get the vast majority of my new recipes from issues of Cooking Light . But I knew I had to have the book version of Chocolate & Zucchini as soon as it came out - not for the recipes but to just read . The book is a lovely paperback - heavy paper and full of pictures but not bulky . It 's Clotilde 's style through and through - chatty , passionate about food , and extremely practical . I love that each recipe come with variation and substitution suggestions , a wine recommendation , time estimates , and an idea of how long the dish will keep . In my perfect world , such information would come standard with every recipe , especially the latter two bits of data . I haven 't had a chance to make anything in the book yet , though several recipes have caught my eye . When I first got the book , I read the opening pages - the introduction , notes about her cooking style , a list of her pantry items . I 've now taken to picking up the book when I have a few minutes , randomly opening it to a recipe , and reading for pleasure . Each recipe comes with a story , so I get the full " Clotilde effect , " as it were . Last night I read about Walnut , Pear and Roquefort Madeleines , as well as Chocolate - Dipped Hazelnut Marbles . Yum ! Labels : food , reviews I posted previously that I ordered a new playard mattress from Graco . Well , it arrived last week , only one day after I received an email from them informing that it had shipped . But I still give their customer service mixed reviews , primarily because it took five days for them to ship the item ( though there was a weekend in between ) , and because they said it might take up to 14 days for my order to arrive . Obviously , my order arrived much faster than that , and I had the mattress a week after I had ordered it ( I received the shipping email the day after the mattress was sent ) . And I paid only for standard shipping ( expedited shipping was an additional $ 10 ) . Nevertheless , I can 't help thinking that my order should have shipped sooner ( or they should explain why it takes so long to ship ) . Labels : baby gear , companies As I mentioned in a previous post , I recently hosted a baby shower for a friend . She loved everything about it , but the thing she mentioned over and over again was the package of pre - addressed thank - you cards that I gave her . It was super easy for me to do , since I just printed a second set of invitation labels and affixed them to the thank - you card envelopes . All my friend had to do was write up her thanks , put return address labels and stamps on the envelopes , and send the cards out . ( If you want to go the extra mile , you can put stamps and even the return address on the envelopes before you give the thank - you cards to the guest of honor . ) My friend was thrilled that it was so easy , she finished her thank - you cards the same day as the baby shower ! Labels : parties A year and a half ago , when I posted my review of the Combi City Savvy , I had only been using the stroller for a couple of months . So I thought it was time to update my review to say I 've come to hate it . The positive attributes remain the same , but the negative ones have become magnified over the course of time . I hate the twisted straps - not to mention the fact that the connectors have slipped apart so that there were a few times when Alex wasn 't strapped in at all . I hate the tiny little basket , which is essentially useless . And I hate the short canopy , which is also almost useless in our hot Southern California weather . I dread the thought of using the Combi even more than the thought of using the Graco Quattro when Tyler outgrows his infant car seat . Yet I know I 'm going to want a decent compact stroller for brief trips . The Metrolite takes up a decent amount of room in our sedan 's trunk , so I 'm really torn . I 've heard good things about Maclarens but don 't want to spend over $ 100 , which also rules out Peg Peregos , another brand my friends rave about . I might just continue using the Combi , but I won 't be happy about it ! Labels : baby gear , product reviews Adding to my personal list of parent hacks : I got this one from an issue of Parents Magazine a few months ago : Instead of those flimsy vinyl mats they sell at Babies R Us , use a heavy duty office chair mat as highchair mat . It can be pricy , but buy the biggest one you can find ( mine was about $ 60 at Staples ) . It 's much easier to clean and doesn 't keep flipping up . The dishwasher is easiest for cleaning and sterilizing pumping equipment . But sometimes it can 't quite get into the deep recesses of breast pump parts , like inside the valve - but a bottle nipple brush can ! If you are trying to get some computer time while holding your baby and he still cries , try substituting your chair for a fitness ball . It 's not all that easy to bounce and type one - handed , but it 's possible and at least baby won 't be screaming in your ear . Labels : parenthacks Even before my oldest was born , I 'd see those ads for Gerber Life Insurance and think how absurd it was . After all , children don 't need life insurance because no one 's depending on them - especially not term insurance . But I recently received a solicitation for Gerber 's Grow - Up Plan , which is a whole life policy . Since we 'd recently increased our own life insurance policies to provide for our new baby , I was intrigued . A whole life insurance policy covers you for your entire life , unlike term insurance , which only covers you for a specified period . A whole life policy also builds cash value - the insurance company takes a portion of your premium and invests it . A whole life policy is considerably more expensive than a term policy , which is why most finance experts don 't recommend them . The Gerber Grow - Up Plan got my attention because the premiums start low , due to the young age of the insured , and stay the same for the duration of the policy . But when I calculated the cost of a year 's premium on the maximum $ 35 , 000 policy for our two - year - old , it came to $ 305 . 76 ( the monthly premium is $ 25 . 48 ) . The policy would increase to $ 70 , 000 at age 21 and $ 350 , 000 at age 28 . $ 305 . 76 per year for $ 350 , 000 of whole life coverage is a pretty darn good rate . Estimated quotes for a comparable policy from this aggregator are all over $ 1200 per year . And at least one expert feels that Gerber 's rates are generally competitive . However , the bottom line seems to be that the amount you 'd pay out over the years to get to a $ 350K policy for just over $ 300 per year makes this investment a poor choice . As this Smart Money article points out , $ 100 , 000 in today 's dollars isn 't going to have the same value in 30 years . Additionally , whole life policies are generally not a good investment vehicle - in other words , the money paid for the premiums could be invested in other vehicles with a much better return . As an example , if I were to buy a $ 35 , 000 policy at $ 305 . 76 per year for our two - year - old right now , I 'll pay a total of $ 7949 . 76 over the neposted by ChiefFamilyOfficer @ 6 : 35 AM links to this post Parent Hacks offers this great tip for occupying the kids for a while : Dump out the entire toy box and let your kids rediscover some forgotten toys . We do this all the time . I buy large boxes of diapers , and we save the empty boxes and store a majority of the toys in them . We leave out only Alex 's current favorites , but he sometimes goes to the boxes and asked to go through them . This system keeps our house looking somewhat neat , makes it a lot easier to clean up , and provides easy entertainment . Labels : parenthacks I 've been down on my favorite charity , the USO , since the middle of last year , when my online donation was processed twice and my credit card was double charged . I only pressed the submit button once , so I don 't know what happened . I emailed the USO and didn 't hear anything back . Since the money went to a cause that I believe in , I didn 't pursue the matter further . But I haven 't donated to them since , either . Instead , we 're transferring our charity donations to World Hope International 's Microenterprise program . Through articles like this one , Marc and I have become big believers in microfinance , which is the practice of extending small amounts of credit to poor people . ( I first learned about microfinance when the 2006 Nobel Peace Prize was awarded to Muhammad Yunus , who founded the microcredit Grameen Bank . ) Microfinance can eliminate poverty by extending credit to those who can 't obtain credit elsewhere . For more on the subject , check out World Hope 's FAQ . Why World Hope instead of Grameen Bank ? World Hope has a four - star rating at Charity Navigator , compared to three stars for the Grameen Foundation . And I liked World Hope 's comparatively low rate of administrative and fundraising costs , meaning more of its money goes toward the programs themselves . If you 'd like to donate to World Hope , click here . Labels : charity As I prepared breakfast this morning , I saw a report on the local news that chemicals on car seats could be harmful . Here 's the online report that the local story came from . The local news station 's report isn 't on their website , but they said that the toxins are more likely to be a problem as the car seat wears out , so it 's probably a good idea to make sure the plastic isn 't cracking or thinning ( which seems like a good idea for basic safety anyway ) . The online report also offers a couple of recommendations to minimize risk , including keeping car seats out of the sun as much as possible - I 'm going to start covering ours with a blanket when I have to park outdoors , which I need to do anyway to keep the metal part of the buckle from getting too hot in the Southern California heat . Labels : baby gear , safety I haven 't been too happy with my eating or my weight , and I really want to set a good example for my boys . So I asked their pediatrician for help and he hooked me up with a wonderful nutritionist named Nicole . Here are some of the tips she gave me : Eat three meals and two snacks a dayA meal should consist of at least three food groups : a protein , a grain , and a fruit or vegetableA snack should consist of two food groups : a protein and a fruit or veggie or whole grain servingMy job as a parent is to provide healthy food , and Alex 's job is to decide how much he wants to eatI had grown weary of Cheerios and oatmeal , so we had open boxes of Reese 's , Cinnamon Toast Crunch , and Cookie Crisp by the time I saw Nicole . It seems obvious , but she suggested we have only one sugary cereal as an option , and also recommended I give Kashi Mighty Bites a try . ( It 's not bad , and Alex likes it . ) I 'm an emotional eater , and I 've been eating a lot of chocolate since Tyler was born because that 's one of the major ways I cope with stress . So Nicole suggested that instead of reflexively reaching for chocolate , I pick a time during the day when I can sit down and actually enjoy and savor a treat . It 's working pretty well - I still eat a little chocolate or other sweet during the day sometimes , but I eat a lot less knowing that I 'll be able to enjoy something at the end of the day . I already knew that I need to find another outlet for stress , particularly in the moment - something I can do instead of eat . I 'm still working on this one , but I 've discovered that if I can put Tyler down and pick up the Gameboy , my hands are too busy for me to eat . Labels : food , health We 're really earning our potty training stripes right now , so I have a couple more tips : Those expensive potty wipes for kids are worth considering . I used to think the companies were trying to brain wash parents into spending more money , and they definitely aren 't necessary if money is tight . And if I had a daughter , I 'd probably use regular toilet paper on her after she peed . But after a poop , the wipes make cleaning a little easier and I worry less about possibly hurting my child . And anything that makes the experience a little easier is worth it to me . Take those bathroom rugs out . Especially if you have a boy , but probably even if you have a girl . Before we removed ours , the rugs in both bathrooms got peed on . And there was a close call with a bit of residual poop that fortunately landed on the linoleum instead of the rug . I figure I 'll be able to have rugs in my bathrooms again in , oh , three or four years . It is not easy putting a diaper on a child while he 's standing up . We didn 't think we were quite ready for pull ups , so we didn 't use them . But then we had a couple of leaky diapers due to faulty fastening , all because of the difficulty in putting a diaper on a standing child . So our new strategy is to use pull ups if we 're out of the house , so that it 's a little easier to use the potty . But we still use regular diapers at home . Labels : parenthacks Before Tyler was born , I posted about my new BabyHawk mei tai and how I planned to wear Tyler a lot . Well , things don 't always go as planned . I loved the mei tai because , unlike the Baby Bjorn , it didn 't hurt my back . So of course , Tyler hated it . For the first four months , every time I put him in he 'd scream . I 'd be able to keep him to a loud cry by bouncing along until he finally fell asleep . I thought - hoped - that he hated having his legs in the froggy position . I learned through Babycenter 's Babywearing board that MeiTaiBaby makes a mei tai with an adjustable crotch . Desperate , since I needed to wear Tyler in order to be able to chase Alex , I ordered one with the snap tab extender for maximum adjustability . It was better , but not nearly as much as I 'd hoped . Tyler didn 't scream quite as loudly or cry for as long . But I don 't use either mei tai nearly as much as I had planned ( and neither was cheap - each was close to $ 100 ) . They serve their purpose when I do use them , enabling me to stay active with Alex when we 're out and about on our own . I think they 're a wonderful alternative to a Baby Bjorn and I would highly recommend them to anyone who wants or needs the option of wearing a baby . Plus , mei tais can be used much longer than most other baby carriers . Both mei tais are easy to wash . I put them in a large mesh bag made for sweaters and wash them in warm water in the washing machine . To preserve their appearance and minimize wrinkling , I don 't put them in the dryer . Instead , I hang them in the closet - the body goes on one hanger , and then I drape the long straps on a second hanger . I tug all of the straps flat , which helps keep them flat when I 'm using the mei tai . Labels : baby gear When Alex turned six months , his pediatrician gave me a bunch of sunscreen samples , which I put into my diaper bag . They 've come in handy whenever I 've forgotten to put sunscreen on him before we left the house . Unfortunately , I 've used the last one . I tried these sunscreen sticks , but they 're too difficult to apply . It takes a long time to cover an area larger than a couple of square inches , and it 's almost impossible to spread the sunscreen out by hand - especially on a squirmy toddler . Fortunately , at a local baby shop last week , I picked up a sample of MD Moms Babysilk sunscreen . The sample was an individually wrapped towelette , which worked beautifully on Saturday , when Alex and Marc stood in the sun watching a demonstration at our local fire station . The sunscreen has a nice light scent and seems to have high quality ingredients . Marc 's sensitive skin didn 't react at all . At $ 7 . 50 for a package of 3 towelette singles , it 's a pretty pricy product . But I 'm going to pick up a few to keep in my bag . If you know of any less expensive options , let me know . Labels : baby gear , kids health As Alex learned to feed himself , I tried flat pocket bibs like these but the pocket didn 't catch half of the dropped food and they were a pain to clean and dry . The bibs I saw with pockets that stuck out looked a lot like these and I felt that they would be uncomfortable for Alex because they seemed extremely rigid and overly long . Then one day at Right Start , I saw these Baby Bjorn bibs . I love them ! They 're pretty flexible , not too long , and super easy to clean . In fact , I love them so much that I couldn 't believe Right Start doesn 't carry them anymore . The closest thing they ( and Babies R Us ) had were these Kiddopotamus bibs , which I didn 't care for as much . We now have four Baby Bjorn bibs , which gets us through the day without washing since I sometimes don 't get to the dishes til the end of the day . I can 't recommend them highly enough . Incidentally , I 'm not as picky about " regular " bibs , like the ones Tyler wears to soak up all his drool . But I 've come to prefer bibs like these , which velcro on the side of the neck rather than the back . The side velcro makes them a little easier to get on and off , particularly when Tyler 's strapped into his car seat . Labels : baby food , baby gear Parent Hacks offers two ways to keep your child safe in a parking lot while putting groceries away : ( 1 ) play " assume the position , " i . e . , have your child stand with his hands on the car and legs spread as if he were about to be searched ; or ( 2 ) strap your child into his car seat before putting the groceries in the car . Personally , I prefer to keep Alex in the shopping cart while I put the groceries away , but maybe that doesn 't work as well with an older child . I also tend to carry Alex in parking lots if we 're not using a shopping cart . As to parking lots in general , I have a friend whose two - year - old tended to take off until she was so vehement about the necessity of holding hands that it 's the one place where he knows it 's absolutely non - negotiable and never puts up a fight . What do you do ? Labels : parenthacks , safety When Alex was born , my in - laws purchased a Graco Pack N Play for us to use at their house . From the start , the middle fold in the mattress never lay flat and there was always a bump down the center of the playard . I never did anything about it because Alex hardly ever used the Pack N Play , so it wasn 't a big deal . When Tyler was born , however , we brought the Pack N Play to our house to use in our bedroom and he began spending a lot more time in it . The fact that the mattress doesn 't lay flat has always bothered me but I finally decided to do something about it because Tyler can roll over and I 'm afraid he 'll get stuck in the gap at the ends of the Pack N Play that results from the mattress being raised in the center . I started with the replacement parts page on the Graco website . There didn 't appear to be any playard mattresses available , so I used the contact form to explain my situation and ask how I could obtain a new mattress . It turns out that if you enter the info requested at the right on the replacement parts page , the parts available for that specific item will appear . I was pleased that I got a quick response and was able to order a new mattress . I was less pleased that there was no attempt to address the actual problem with the mattress itself . I explained in my email that this was a problem that had existed from the start , so a company with five - star customer service would have wanted to know more and perhaps even sent me a new mattress and asked for the old one so they could examine it . And if the Pack N Play were new , that 's what I would have expected and would have asked for . However , because the mattress is two years old , I feel I 've waived my right to complain . All in all , I think Graco 's customer service is good , but not great ( assuming the mattress arrives promptly and is the right one , etc . - I 'll let you know ) . Labels : baby gear , companies I mentioned a few days ago that I 've been having trouble with the rubber plug on my Medela Pump In Style Advanced and that Medela was sending me a new faceplate . Well , the faceplate arrived yesterday and it was very easy to replace the old one . The faceplate was apparently redesigned around the time that I bought my pump ( which was purchased in early 2005 ) , and it is in fact slightly but significantly different . There no longer two holes for the rubber plug when you are pumping both breasts . Instead , the part of the plug that you use when pumping only one breast just hangs . It seems to eliminate the potential for the problem I was having with the old faceplate . And , most importantly , I used my pump this morning and it worked great . So I give a big thumbs up to Medela 's customer service . Labels : baby gear , companies After I mentioned my pile of receipts in my post about letting go of perfection , I realized there was a simpler approach that would save me a lot of time . As I 've said before , we charge almost all of our expenses to credit cards for the rewards . So I 've decided to use our credit card statements to input our expenses . I still keep the receipts , but I don 't have to go through each one individually ( I separate the receipts for items paid in cash ) . This approach should save me hours at the computer . I only wish I 'd thought of it sooner ! Labels : money management Before Alex was born , my research into baby products made me concerned that any baby monitor we bought , particularly a less expensive model , wouldn 't work in our house due to interference from our neighbors ' homes . But I took the advice in Baby Bargains and started with a relatively cheap monitor , figuring that if necessary , we could always exchange it for the more expensive Philips monitor with multiple channels . It turns out that we 've been very happy with the Fisher - Price Sound ' N Lights monitor . Even with only two channels , it worked quite well with both Alex and Tyler . I liked that the receivers operate on both batteries and adapters , so I could plug it most of the time but let it run on batteries if I wanted to carry it with me around the house . The visual cues on the receiver are helpful if you 're doing something that might prevent you from realizing that baby is crying . For example , with Alex , I used to get on the treadmill and leave the receiver where I could see it . I wouldn 't be able to hear Alex cry while I was running , but I could see the red lights flare up . The transmitter and receivers are pretty hardy and have survived quite a few falls in our house ( though we do have carpet ) and the flexible antennas have really held up . My biggest complaint is the horrible high - pitched sound the receivers make if they 're on when the transmitter is turned off . That might happen with every other monitor , but I don 't know since this is the only one we 've had . My other major complaint is that the cord on the transmitter is quite short . I realize that this is for safety reasons , but it makes it difficult to plug it in to a low outlet and then rest the monitor on a higher surface . Since the cord was so short , we had to put the transmitter on the edge of the bookcase in Alex 's room , and I kept knocking it off - but maybe they 've lengthened the cord a bit since the version depicted in the picture looks different from ours , which was purchased in 2005 . Overall , I give this monitor a big thumbs up . It works well and is veryposted by ChiefFamilyOfficer @ 6 : 44 AM 0 comments My Medela Pump In Style Advanced worked great after I had Alex and I couldn 't recommend it highly enough . Naturally , I 've been using it again after having Tyler , although I did replace the tubing and membranes before he was born . For the last several months , though , the rubber part that you move depending on whether you want to pump one or both breasts has been slipping out , reducing the suction . I asked my lactation consultant , Ellen Steinberg , for a new part but she said I needed a new face plate . On her recommendation , I called Medela and was told that they 've redesigned their face plates since I bought my pump and they would send me a new one for free . So , I 'm now waiting for it . Hopefully , it 'll be easy to install and will solve the problem . I 'll keep you posted . Labels : baby gear After Alex was born two years ago , I had to completely change my way of thinking . I was used to doing things " my way , " which of course meant " the right way . " There was little room for error , but I had the luxury of time back then . Once Alex arrived , my schedule was determined by his , and his didn 't always match my needs - almost never , in fact . It wasn 't easy , and I 'm still working on it , but letting go of my need to be perfect was absolutely necessary for my sanity . Instead of saying to myself , " I need to clean the house , " I now try to say , " I need to vacuum the living room " and " I need to clean the downstairs bathroom . " My house is never sparkling clean from top to bottom anymore , but at least it 's moderately clean all the time . Because of this new perspective , I was able to terminate my cleaning service several months after Alex was born and keep the house clean myself ( with Marc 's help , of course ! ) . I posted a while back about how FlyLady . com helped me achieve this . Another way I save money by letting go of my need to be perfect is in the kitchen . We eat a lot more takeout now than we did before we had children , but I 've learned to cook less - than - perfect meals so that we can still save some money on groceries and eat more healthfully . For example , I might make a main dish but serve baby carrots instead of a " real " veggie side dish . I also tend to serve the same meals when I do cook , instead of trying three or four new recipes a week like I used to . And when I do try a new recipe , it 's one with relatively few ingredients and simple and quick cooking methods . Letting go of my need to be perfect saves us money in a less direct way as well . I have a basket full of receipts next to my computer with expenditures that need to be entered into Quicken so that I can track our spending and see where our money has gone and whether I need to adjust our spending plan ( aka budget ) . I used to input the data once every couple of weeks so that the receipts didn 't pile up too much . But now , with so little free time on my hands , thposted by ChiefFamilyOfficer @ 6 : 24 AM 0 comments Now that Tyler is four months old , his pediatrician has given us the go - ahead to start solids . However , the American College of Asthma , Allergy , & Immunology recommends that the exclusively breast - fed baby not start solids until six months . So I 've got a few weeks to prepare still , but I can 't believe how much I 've forgotten . To start , here are the guidelines that our pediatrician provided : Start with 2 to 4 tablespoons of rice or oatmeal cereal mixed with breast milk ( or formula ) twice a day . A few days later , introduce some fruit also . He recommended applesauce , bananas , peaches , pears , plums and prunes . After a couple of kinds of fruit , introduce some veggies , starting with orange vegetables like squash , carrots , or sweet potatoes since they taste better , and then moving on to green vegetables . Go 2 to 3 days between new foods and call if hives or other serious symptoms develop within a half of hour of eating a new food . That all seems very manageable , except for the tiny little fact that I made all of Alex 's food and I want to make all of Tyler 's food too ( with the exception of cereal - for that , I 'll buy an organic version ) . Being a foodie myself , I can 't help but feel that homemade food must taste better ( and I only use organic produce to make things as healthy as possible ) . But with Alex around now , I 'm a little daunted about finding time to make Tyler 's food . On the other hand , I have some experience under my belt and I 'm hoping things like how long to steam the apples and squash will come back to me . I just need to get another set of Fresh Baby food trays , and I 'll be all set . ( I liked the Fresh Baby trays much more than the KidCo trays - I always had a very hard time geting the frozen cubes out of those . ) I already plan on doing one thing a little differently . With Alex 's food , I relied on a regular food mill , and I 'll definitely be using it again at first . But for reasons I can 't articulate , I was always reluctant to liquify what Marc and I were eating and serve it to him . This time , however , I 'm already thinposted by ChiefFamilyOfficer @ 6 : 30 AM 2 comments See my previous posts in this series here and here . It 's not the first time I 've been overambitious and miscalculated , and I 'm sure it won 't be the last . I just didn 't realize how little free time I would have after Tyler was born , and now that he 's not a newborn , I have even less time for myself . So I 've decided that one of the many adjustments I have to make is putting off my financial education and shelving Personal Financial Planning : Theory and Practice and The Greatest Salesman in the World until I have more time to read , not to mention the mental capacity for learning . Hopefully that won 't be too long from now , but in the meantime , I don 't want to miss a minute of my boys growing up ! Labels : money In the same way that tennis players develop " tennis elbow , " I seem to develop " breastfeeding wrist " after I have a baby . With both Alex and Tyler , a couple of weeks after they were born , I noticed a sharp pain in my left wrist that got worse and worse . When I first developed it with Alex , I mentioned it to my lactation consultant , Ellen Steinberg , who said it 's actually a fairly common problem . A friend whose son is three months older than Alex mentioned that she also had pain in her wrist but I didn 't realize just how common this problem is until I saw that KellyMom . com , my favorite breastfeeding site , addresses the issue . The pain seems to be the result of breast massage and cupping the hand to support baby 's head during breastfeeding and while holding him . Even though I was aware of the potential of this problem developing after Tyler 's birth , I still wasn 't able to avoid it . My friend , who 's a doctor , described her problem as tendinitis and ended up getting a steroid shot to deal with the pain . KellyMom describes the problem as carpal tunnel syndrome . I 've never been to a doctor to be treated for it so I 'm not sure what the proper diagnosis is . KellyMom recommends the obvious during breastfeeding , i . e . , try to position baby so that you 're not cupping your wrist . They also have a list of possible treatments that includes wrist splints ( these helped me a little ) , ibuprofen ( which my obstetrician recommended when I mentioned the problem to him ; it didn 't help at all ) , and acupuncture ( I wish I 'd thought of this after I had Alex ; now it 's too hard to get to my acupuncturist but it probably would help a lot ) . Another remedy that 's not mentioned but that made the pain tolerable for me was the use of a high quality wintergreen essential oil on my wrist . ( Disclaimer : I 'm no expert ! Check out the Essential Oils Desk Reference for more info . ) My breastfeeding wrist with Alex did eventually go away . When he was about five months old , I needed a steroid shot to calm down a severe case of eczema , and it ended up having the sposted by ChiefFamilyOfficer @ 6 : 29 AM 2 comments When the folks over at Family Travel Gear asked me to review the Snack N ' Play Travel Tray , I was delighted because I 'd been looking for a product like this for Alex ever since we turned his car seat forward - facing . The concept is simple : a tray that can hold your child 's books , toys and snacks to keep him from driving you nuts - er , I mean entertained - during car and stroller rides . The Snack N ' Play Travel Tray is basically a rimmed tray made out of heavy fabric with a buckle that goes around your child to keep it in place . I found that it made the car seat straps a little difficult to tighten since I had to strap the tray on first . ( This wasn 't an issue with a three - point harness stroller . ) It 's nice to have a buckle on each side of the tray so that it doesn 't matter which side of the car the car seat is on . It appears the tray can be used with just about any car seat or stroller . A friend who tried the tray at my request said that her son didn 't like having the strap around him so she used it without the strap at times , but I haven 't had this problem with Alex , who sometimes asks for the tray even on short car trips . My friend and I both found that toys tended to slide backwards toward our sons and end up on the seat next to them . I also discovered that Alex ( at age two ) can 't maneuver a cup out of the side storage pocket . However , that might not be an issue with an older child . Because the tray is made of fabric , it can be folded for storage and actually comes in a fairly compact zipper bag ( similar to the kind that comforters come in ) . My biggest concern with this tray was safety , so I asked for more details about the claim that the tray had been " crash tested by a federally recognized laboratory " and " No concerns [ were ] noted . " I was informed that the laboratory receives federal funding to conduct safety tests and can 't be identified for contractual reasons , but that the test was conducted with a new car seat and a dummy . Additionally , the tray 's inventor told me that the tray complies with ASTM safety standposted by ChiefFamilyOfficer @ 5 : 47 AM 0 comments I 'm an attorney , wife to Marc , and mother to toddler Alex and newborn Tyler . I 'm also the CFO of our family - I manage our finances , including our spending , saving , investing and planning . I love to cook , and I even enjoy the occasional craft project if it 's not too complicated . I used to post on a regular schedule but found that my life was to hectic to keep up . Instead , I now post when I can on my favorite topics : family finances , cooking , and parenting . Contact me at cfoblog at gmail dot com .
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My in - laws just picked up a new Fisher - Price toy for Tyler that included an insert for recycling button cell batteries . I couldn 't help wondering about the purpose of the insert - after all , I 'd never seen one encouraging me to recycle alkaline batteries used in toys . It turns out that button cell batteries contain mercury , which can be poisonous . To find a recycling center for button cell batteries , Mattel ( Fisher - Price 's parent company ) recommends the site Earth911 with these instructions : Type your zip / postal code in the upper left hand box . Click GO . Click on HOUSEHOLD HAZARDOUS WASTE under the heading LOCAL SERVICES . Click on MERCURY CONTAINING ITEMS , located in the first column of the Household Hazardous Waste box in the middle of the page . Locate the nearest Household Hazardous Waste ( HHW ) Facility to take your Button Cell Battery ( ies ) . If there isn 't a recycling center in your area , you can call Mattel at 800 - 432 - 5437 and they 'll will send you a pre - paid mailing envelope to return the batteries . Labels : recycling I 've seen chefs make polenta many times on television but I 've had it a few times at restaurants and not liked it . It seems like the kind of thing I should like , though , so I decided to try making it myself . The first time , I bought a package of cooked polenta ( like this one ) from Trader Joe 's , cut off slices and sauteed them . I still didn 't like them . Then last week I came upon this package of corn grits / polenta and it looked really appealing . So I pulled out my copy of Brilliant Food Tips and Cooking Tricks by David Joachim , which is one of my trusty reference cookbooks . I followed the recipe pretty closely ( I skipped the fresh herbs since I didn 't have any ) and the polenta looked good . It was the right consistency and texture . I should have loved it . But I didn 't . Not to worry . I had a back up plan . I poured the polenta into a baking dish and put it in the fridge overnight . The next day , I cut out 1 1 / 2 - inch circles and sauteed them in a tiny bit of olive oil . Again , they looked great - toasty brown patties made a little gooey on the inside from the Parmesan cheese . But I don 't know what it is , I just wasn 't crazy about them . It 's not that they were bad - I ate quite a few of them . But I didn 't love them the way I thought I should . I think I 'm going to give polenta one more shot - after all , I still have the package of grits / polenta and Clotilde Dusoulier 's Crisp Polenta Triangles ( with walnuts and Beaufort cheese ) is mouthwatering . But I 'm not holding out too much hope . Even though I didn 't love the sauteed polenta , I thought it would make great toddler - friendly food . You could also bake the rounds instead of sauteeing them to keep the fat content down . Add in a little bit of finely chopped spinach or finely grated carrot and your toddler will never know he or she just ate some veggies along with the corn and cheese . Labels : food My previous parent hacks are here and here . If your children 's artwork is starting to take over your house because you can 't bear to toss them , consider scanning them . You 'll then have a digital version of the art without needing to set aside an entire room to house the masterpieces . We keep our favorites and give the rest to the grandparents and great - grandparents . The next step up from the last hack is to create an image that combines several " lesser " pieces to make them more interesting . : ) If ( like me ) you don 't like using permanent marker on your child 's cups and containers ( I have to label everything that Alex takes to daycare ) , use a small piece of painter 's masking tape as a label . It will peel off easily and is very inexpensive . A $ 1 roll lasted for over a year and a half . ( The masking tape is also great for labeling containers you put in the fridge or freezer . ) Labels : parenthacks I recently posted about tracking my expenses in Quicken , and I realized that I haven 't mentioned that it 's the single - most important thing we do to manage our money . If you 're serious about reducing your expenses and saving money , the single best thing you can do is keep a log of your spending . It 's not easy - not so much because it 's hard to record every penny you spend , but because psychologically it can be daunting to confront the truth about your spending . However , if you do this for a week , then take a look at your log and see where you can cut back , you 'll most likely find that you can save hundreds of dollars with a few changes . For example , many people spend more on eating out than they realize , whether it 's picking up a bagel and coffee in the morning , grabbing a candy bar from the vending machine or cafeteria at work , or not appreciating how much buying lunch every day adds up . Some people are surprised at how much they 're spending on clothes or even gas . In our case , there have been some major changes in our spending since Alex was born . There 's the obvious cost of daycare , but we also eat out a lot more and spend more on clothes , toiletries , and a small fortune on diapers and toys . It 's also costing us upwards of $ 50 to gas up our Nissan Altima nowadays . I 'll be the first to admit that we don 't always stick to our spending plan , but tracking our expenses in Quicken makes it easy for me to figure out where we went astray and what changes we can make to stay within our budget . And that means increased savings , less debt , and more vacations . When you 're ready to take another step forward , check out Lifehack 's tips for living on a tight budget . Labels : money management See my previous posts on this topic here , here , here , and here . As of my last update , the amount I 've spent breastfeeding Tyler was $ 537 . But as I knew it would , the amount has now exceeded my target budget of $ 600 . I 'm up to $ 657 after buying another two bottles of More Milk Special Blend ( $ 110 ) and another package of Lansinoh Milk Storage Bags ( $ 10 ) . A couple of notes about those products : I could probably stop taking the Special Blend at this point , but I 'm too afraid to risk my milk supply . Tyler will start solids very soon , though , and once he 's nursing less , I 'll probably take less Special Blend . Right now , an 8 - ounce bottle lasts about three weeks . The liquid doesn 't taste great ( I add water to it and then down it in one gulp ) but it 's more economical than taking the More Milk Plus and Goat 's Rue capsules ( the Special Blend is simply a combo of the two products ) . Medela now makes storage bags that attached to your pumping equipment so you can pump right into the bags if you 're going to store your milk . If the bags work , they 're super convenient . I 'm not sure I 'm going to try them , though , since a 25 - count package of Medela bags is $ 10 at Target , the same cost as a 50 - count package of Lansinoh bags . Labels : breastfeeding With the caveat that you should always check with your doctor to get advice tailored to your specific situation , here 's a little about my experience with getting a MRI while breastfeeding . Actually , I needed two MRIs . I checked with Tyler 's pediatrician and was told it would be fine . And it was , for the first one . But for the second MRI , a contrast agent was required . When I told the technologist that I 'm breastfeeding , she said that I shouldn 't breastfeed for 24 hours after getting the contrast agent because it contains a metal and they don 't know how it affects nursing babies . My lactation consultant , Ellen Steinberg , also said I shouldn 't breastfeed for 24 hours after getting the contrast agent . So , I had to make sure that I had enough breastmilk stored for 24 hours worth of bottles . Since Tyler weighs about 17 pounds , Ellen said he needed 30 to 40 ounces in a 24 - hour period . We were pretty diligent about giving Alex a bottle regularly but with the general chaos of our lives now , it hasn 't been a high priority with Tyler , who 's always taken a bottle if he was hungry enough , no matter how infrequently we offered it . And though I worried about whether he 'd get enough to eat , he was a champ about taking the bottles , though he kept turning his head toward my chest and breaking my heart . I also frequently use nursing as a comfort / sleep aid ( I can 't help taking the easy route there ) and living without that was hard , though I discovered that Tyler will now take a pacifier again ( he 'd stopped a couple of months ago ) . It ended up being a total of 26 1 / 2 hours between nursings because I nursed Tyler at 7 : 30 a . m . on the day of the MRI , but didn 't get the contrast agent until about 10 : 00 ( it was injected in the middle of the procedure ) . I don 't know who was happier about being able to nurse again - me or Tyler ! Labels : breastfeeding , health I 've loved reading Clotilde Dusoulier 's Chocolate & Zucchini food blog ever since I discovered it a couple of years ago . I tend very much to read for content rather than style , but there 's something about the way Clotilde writes that I truly enjoy . So I was excited and happy for her when she announced that she was writing a book , which was released last week - two days too late for Mother 's Day . I own very few cookbooks and in fact , I deliberately keep my library to a bare minimum . I treat my cookbooks as reference books more than recipe books , since I get the vast majority of my new recipes from issues of Cooking Light . But I knew I had to have the book version of Chocolate & Zucchini as soon as it came out - not for the recipes but to just read . The book is a lovely paperback - heavy paper and full of pictures but not bulky . It 's Clotilde 's style through and through - chatty , passionate about food , and extremely practical . I love that each recipe come with variation and substitution suggestions , a wine recommendation , time estimates , and an idea of how long the dish will keep . In my perfect world , such information would come standard with every recipe , especially the latter two bits of data . I haven 't had a chance to make anything in the book yet , though several recipes have caught my eye . When I first got the book , I read the opening pages - the introduction , notes about her cooking style , a list of her pantry items . I 've now taken to picking up the book when I have a few minutes , randomly opening it to a recipe , and reading for pleasure . Each recipe comes with a story , so I get the full " Clotilde effect , " as it were . Last night I read about Walnut , Pear and Roquefort Madeleines , as well as Chocolate - Dipped Hazelnut Marbles . Yum ! Labels : food , reviews I posted previously that I ordered a new playard mattress from Graco . Well , it arrived last week , only one day after I received an email from them informing that it had shipped . But I still give their customer service mixed reviews , primarily because it took five days for them to ship the item ( though there was a weekend in between ) , and because they said it might take up to 14 days for my order to arrive . Obviously , my order arrived much faster than that , and I had the mattress a week after I had ordered it ( I received the shipping email the day after the mattress was sent ) . And I paid only for standard shipping ( expedited shipping was an additional $ 10 ) . Nevertheless , I can 't help thinking that my order should have shipped sooner ( or they should explain why it takes so long to ship ) . Labels : baby gear , companies As I mentioned in a previous post , I recently hosted a baby shower for a friend . She loved everything about it , but the thing she mentioned over and over again was the package of pre - addressed thank - you cards that I gave her . It was super easy for me to do , since I just printed a second set of invitation labels and affixed them to the thank - you card envelopes . All my friend had to do was write up her thanks , put return address labels and stamps on the envelopes , and send the cards out . ( If you want to go the extra mile , you can put stamps and even the return address on the envelopes before you give the thank - you cards to the guest of honor . ) My friend was thrilled that it was so easy , she finished her thank - you cards the same day as the baby shower ! Labels : parties A year and a half ago , when I posted my review of the Combi City Savvy , I had only been using the stroller for a couple of months . So I thought it was time to update my review to say I 've come to hate it . The positive attributes remain the same , but the negative ones have become magnified over the course of time . I hate the twisted straps - not to mention the fact that the connectors have slipped apart so that there were a few times when Alex wasn 't strapped in at all . I hate the tiny little basket , which is essentially useless . And I hate the short canopy , which is also almost useless in our hot Southern California weather . I dread the thought of using the Combi even more than the thought of using the Graco Quattro when Tyler outgrows his infant car seat . Yet I know I 'm going to want a decent compact stroller for brief trips . The Metrolite takes up a decent amount of room in our sedan 's trunk , so I 'm really torn . I 've heard good things about Maclarens but don 't want to spend over $ 100 , which also rules out Peg Peregos , another brand my friends rave about . I might just continue using the Combi , but I won 't be happy about it ! Labels : baby gear , product reviews Adding to my personal list of parent hacks : I got this one from an issue of Parents Magazine a few months ago : Instead of those flimsy vinyl mats they sell at Babies R Us , use a heavy duty office chair mat as highchair mat . It can be pricy , but buy the biggest one you can find ( mine was about $ 60 at Staples ) . It 's much easier to clean and doesn 't keep flipping up . The dishwasher is easiest for cleaning and sterilizing pumping equipment . But sometimes it can 't quite get into the deep recesses of breast pump parts , like inside the valve - but a bottle nipple brush can ! If you are trying to get some computer time while holding your baby and he still cries , try substituting your chair for a fitness ball . It 's not all that easy to bounce and type one - handed , but it 's possible and at least baby won 't be screaming in your ear . Labels : parenthacks Even before my oldest was born , I 'd see those ads for Gerber Life Insurance and think how absurd it was . After all , children don 't need life insurance because no one 's depending on them - especially not term insurance . But I recently received a solicitation for Gerber 's Grow - Up Plan , which is a whole life policy . Since we 'd recently increased our own life insurance policies to provide for our new baby , I was intrigued . A whole life insurance policy covers you for your entire life , unlike term insurance , which only covers you for a specified period . A whole life policy also builds cash value - the insurance company takes a portion of your premium and invests it . A whole life policy is considerably more expensive than a term policy , which is why most finance experts don 't recommend them . The Gerber Grow - Up Plan got my attention because the premiums start low , due to the young age of the insured , and stay the same for the duration of the policy . But when I calculated the cost of a year 's premium on the maximum $ 35 , 000 policy for our two - year - old , it came to $ 305 . 76 ( the monthly premium is $ 25 . 48 ) . The policy would increase to $ 70 , 000 at age 21 and $ 350 , 000 at age 28 . $ 305 . 76 per year for $ 350 , 000 of whole life coverage is a pretty darn good rate . Estimated quotes for a comparable policy from this aggregator are all over $ 1200 per year . And at least one expert feels that Gerber 's rates are generally competitive . However , the bottom line seems to be that the amount you 'd pay out over the years to get to a $ 350K policy for just over $ 300 per year makes this investment a poor choice . As this Smart Money article points out , $ 100 , 000 in today 's dollars isn 't going to have the same value in 30 years . Additionally , whole life policies are generally not a good investment vehicle - in other words , the money paid for the premiums could be invested in other vehicles with a much better return . As an example , if I were to buy a $ 35 , 000 policy at $ 305 . 76 per year for our two - year - old right now , I 'll pay a total of $ 7949 . 76 over the neposted by ChiefFamilyOfficer @ 6 : 35 AM links to this post Parent Hacks offers this great tip for occupying the kids for a while : Dump out the entire toy box and let your kids rediscover some forgotten toys . We do this all the time . I buy large boxes of diapers , and we save the empty boxes and store a majority of the toys in them . We leave out only Alex 's current favorites , but he sometimes goes to the boxes and asked to go through them . This system keeps our house looking somewhat neat , makes it a lot easier to clean up , and provides easy entertainment . Labels : parenthacks I 've been down on my favorite charity , the USO , since the middle of last year , when my online donation was processed twice and my credit card was double charged . I only pressed the submit button once , so I don 't know what happened . I emailed the USO and didn 't hear anything back . Since the money went to a cause that I believe in , I didn 't pursue the matter further . But I haven 't donated to them since , either . Instead , we 're transferring our charity donations to World Hope International 's Microenterprise program . Through articles like this one , Marc and I have become big believers in microfinance , which is the practice of extending small amounts of credit to poor people . ( I first learned about microfinance when the 2006 Nobel Peace Prize was awarded to Muhammad Yunus , who founded the microcredit Grameen Bank . ) Microfinance can eliminate poverty by extending credit to those who can 't obtain credit elsewhere . For more on the subject , check out World Hope 's FAQ . Why World Hope instead of Grameen Bank ? World Hope has a four - star rating at Charity Navigator , compared to three stars for the Grameen Foundation . And I liked World Hope 's comparatively low rate of administrative and fundraising costs , meaning more of its money goes toward the programs themselves . If you 'd like to donate to World Hope , click here . Labels : charity As I prepared breakfast this morning , I saw a report on the local news that chemicals on car seats could be harmful . Here 's the online report that the local story came from . The local news station 's report isn 't on their website , but they said that the toxins are more likely to be a problem as the car seat wears out , so it 's probably a good idea to make sure the plastic isn 't cracking or thinning ( which seems like a good idea for basic safety anyway ) . The online report also offers a couple of recommendations to minimize risk , including keeping car seats out of the sun as much as possible - I 'm going to start covering ours with a blanket when I have to park outdoors , which I need to do anyway to keep the metal part of the buckle from getting too hot in the Southern California heat . Labels : baby gear , safety I haven 't been too happy with my eating or my weight , and I really want to set a good example for my boys . So I asked their pediatrician for help and he hooked me up with a wonderful nutritionist named Nicole . Here are some of the tips she gave me : Eat three meals and two snacks a dayA meal should consist of at least three food groups : a protein , a grain , and a fruit or vegetableA snack should consist of two food groups : a protein and a fruit or veggie or whole grain servingMy job as a parent is to provide healthy food , and Alex 's job is to decide how much he wants to eatI had grown weary of Cheerios and oatmeal , so we had open boxes of Reese 's , Cinnamon Toast Crunch , and Cookie Crisp by the time I saw Nicole . It seems obvious , but she suggested we have only one sugary cereal as an option , and also recommended I give Kashi Mighty Bites a try . ( It 's not bad , and Alex likes it . ) I 'm an emotional eater , and I 've been eating a lot of chocolate since Tyler was born because that 's one of the major ways I cope with stress . So Nicole suggested that instead of reflexively reaching for chocolate , I pick a time during the day when I can sit down and actually enjoy and savor a treat . It 's working pretty well - I still eat a little chocolate or other sweet during the day sometimes , but I eat a lot less knowing that I 'll be able to enjoy something at the end of the day . I already knew that I need to find another outlet for stress , particularly in the moment - something I can do instead of eat . I 'm still working on this one , but I 've discovered that if I can put Tyler down and pick up the Gameboy , my hands are too busy for me to eat . Labels : food , health We 're really earning our potty training stripes right now , so I have a couple more tips : Those expensive potty wipes for kids are worth considering . I used to think the companies were trying to brain wash parents into spending more money , and they definitely aren 't necessary if money is tight . And if I had a daughter , I 'd probably use regular toilet paper on her after she peed . But after a poop , the wipes make cleaning a little easier and I worry less about possibly hurting my child . And anything that makes the experience a little easier is worth it to me . Take those bathroom rugs out . Especially if you have a boy , but probably even if you have a girl . Before we removed ours , the rugs in both bathrooms got peed on . And there was a close call with a bit of residual poop that fortunately landed on the linoleum instead of the rug . I figure I 'll be able to have rugs in my bathrooms again in , oh , three or four years . It is not easy putting a diaper on a child while he 's standing up . We didn 't think we were quite ready for pull ups , so we didn 't use them . But then we had a couple of leaky diapers due to faulty fastening , all because of the difficulty in putting a diaper on a standing child . So our new strategy is to use pull ups if we 're out of the house , so that it 's a little easier to use the potty . But we still use regular diapers at home . Labels : parenthacks Before Tyler was born , I posted about my new BabyHawk mei tai and how I planned to wear Tyler a lot . Well , things don 't always go as planned . I loved the mei tai because , unlike the Baby Bjorn , it didn 't hurt my back . So of course , Tyler hated it . For the first four months , every time I put him in he 'd scream . I 'd be able to keep him to a loud cry by bouncing along until he finally fell asleep . I thought - hoped - that he hated having his legs in the froggy position . I learned through Babycenter 's Babywearing board that MeiTaiBaby makes a mei tai with an adjustable crotch . Desperate , since I needed to wear Tyler in order to be able to chase Alex , I ordered one with the snap tab extender for maximum adjustability . It was better , but not nearly as much as I 'd hoped . Tyler didn 't scream quite as loudly or cry for as long . But I don 't use either mei tai nearly as much as I had planned ( and neither was cheap - each was close to $ 100 ) . They serve their purpose when I do use them , enabling me to stay active with Alex when we 're out and about on our own . I think they 're a wonderful alternative to a Baby Bjorn and I would highly recommend them to anyone who wants or needs the option of wearing a baby . Plus , mei tais can be used much longer than most other baby carriers . Both mei tais are easy to wash . I put them in a large mesh bag made for sweaters and wash them in warm water in the washing machine . To preserve their appearance and minimize wrinkling , I don 't put them in the dryer . Instead , I hang them in the closet - the body goes on one hanger , and then I drape the long straps on a second hanger . I tug all of the straps flat , which helps keep them flat when I 'm using the mei tai . Labels : baby gear When Alex turned six months , his pediatrician gave me a bunch of sunscreen samples , which I put into my diaper bag . They 've come in handy whenever I 've forgotten to put sunscreen on him before we left the house . Unfortunately , I 've used the last one . I tried these sunscreen sticks , but they 're too difficult to apply . It takes a long time to cover an area larger than a couple of square inches , and it 's almost impossible to spread the sunscreen out by hand - especially on a squirmy toddler . Fortunately , at a local baby shop last week , I picked up a sample of MD Moms Babysilk sunscreen . The sample was an individually wrapped towelette , which worked beautifully on Saturday , when Alex and Marc stood in the sun watching a demonstration at our local fire station . The sunscreen has a nice light scent and seems to have high quality ingredients . Marc 's sensitive skin didn 't react at all . At $ 7 . 50 for a package of 3 towelette singles , it 's a pretty pricy product . But I 'm going to pick up a few to keep in my bag . If you know of any less expensive options , let me know . Labels : baby gear , kids health As Alex learned to feed himself , I tried flat pocket bibs like these but the pocket didn 't catch half of the dropped food and they were a pain to clean and dry . The bibs I saw with pockets that stuck out looked a lot like these and I felt that they would be uncomfortable for Alex because they seemed extremely rigid and overly long . Then one day at Right Start , I saw these Baby Bjorn bibs . I love them ! They 're pretty flexible , not too long , and super easy to clean . In fact , I love them so much that I couldn 't believe Right Start doesn 't carry them anymore . The closest thing they ( and Babies R Us ) had were these Kiddopotamus bibs , which I didn 't care for as much . We now have four Baby Bjorn bibs , which gets us through the day without washing since I sometimes don 't get to the dishes til the end of the day . I can 't recommend them highly enough . Incidentally , I 'm not as picky about " regular " bibs , like the ones Tyler wears to soak up all his drool . But I 've come to prefer bibs like these , which velcro on the side of the neck rather than the back . The side velcro makes them a little easier to get on and off , particularly when Tyler 's strapped into his car seat . Labels : baby food , baby gear Parent Hacks offers two ways to keep your child safe in a parking lot while putting groceries away : ( 1 ) play " assume the position , " i . e . , have your child stand with his hands on the car and legs spread as if he were about to be searched ; or ( 2 ) strap your child into his car seat before putting the groceries in the car . Personally , I prefer to keep Alex in the shopping cart while I put the groceries away , but maybe that doesn 't work as well with an older child . I also tend to carry Alex in parking lots if we 're not using a shopping cart . As to parking lots in general , I have a friend whose two - year - old tended to take off until she was so vehement about the necessity of holding hands that it 's the one place where he knows it 's absolutely non - negotiable and never puts up a fight . What do you do ? Labels : parenthacks , safety When Alex was born , my in - laws purchased a Graco Pack N Play for us to use at their house . From the start , the middle fold in the mattress never lay flat and there was always a bump down the center of the playard . I never did anything about it because Alex hardly ever used the Pack N Play , so it wasn 't a big deal . When Tyler was born , however , we brought the Pack N Play to our house to use in our bedroom and he began spending a lot more time in it . The fact that the mattress doesn 't lay flat has always bothered me but I finally decided to do something about it because Tyler can roll over and I 'm afraid he 'll get stuck in the gap at the ends of the Pack N Play that results from the mattress being raised in the center . I started with the replacement parts page on the Graco website . There didn 't appear to be any playard mattresses available , so I used the contact form to explain my situation and ask how I could obtain a new mattress . It turns out that if you enter the info requested at the right on the replacement parts page , the parts available for that specific item will appear . I was pleased that I got a quick response and was able to order a new mattress . I was less pleased that there was no attempt to address the actual problem with the mattress itself . I explained in my email that this was a problem that had existed from the start , so a company with five - star customer service would have wanted to know more and perhaps even sent me a new mattress and asked for the old one so they could examine it . And if the Pack N Play were new , that 's what I would have expected and would have asked for . However , because the mattress is two years old , I feel I 've waived my right to complain . All in all , I think Graco 's customer service is good , but not great ( assuming the mattress arrives promptly and is the right one , etc . - I 'll let you know ) . Labels : baby gear , companies I mentioned a few days ago that I 've been having trouble with the rubber plug on my Medela Pump In Style Advanced and that Medela was sending me a new faceplate . Well , the faceplate arrived yesterday and it was very easy to replace the old one . The faceplate was apparently redesigned around the time that I bought my pump ( which was purchased in early 2005 ) , and it is in fact slightly but significantly different . There no longer two holes for the rubber plug when you are pumping both breasts . Instead , the part of the plug that you use when pumping only one breast just hangs . It seems to eliminate the potential for the problem I was having with the old faceplate . And , most importantly , I used my pump this morning and it worked great . So I give a big thumbs up to Medela 's customer service . Labels : baby gear , companies After I mentioned my pile of receipts in my post about letting go of perfection , I realized there was a simpler approach that would save me a lot of time . As I 've said before , we charge almost all of our expenses to credit cards for the rewards . So I 've decided to use our credit card statements to input our expenses . I still keep the receipts , but I don 't have to go through each one individually ( I separate the receipts for items paid in cash ) . This approach should save me hours at the computer . I only wish I 'd thought of it sooner ! Labels : money management Before Alex was born , my research into baby products made me concerned that any baby monitor we bought , particularly a less expensive model , wouldn 't work in our house due to interference from our neighbors ' homes . But I took the advice in Baby Bargains and started with a relatively cheap monitor , figuring that if necessary , we could always exchange it for the more expensive Philips monitor with multiple channels . It turns out that we 've been very happy with the Fisher - Price Sound ' N Lights monitor . Even with only two channels , it worked quite well with both Alex and Tyler . I liked that the receivers operate on both batteries and adapters , so I could plug it most of the time but let it run on batteries if I wanted to carry it with me around the house . The visual cues on the receiver are helpful if you 're doing something that might prevent you from realizing that baby is crying . For example , with Alex , I used to get on the treadmill and leave the receiver where I could see it . I wouldn 't be able to hear Alex cry while I was running , but I could see the red lights flare up . The transmitter and receivers are pretty hardy and have survived quite a few falls in our house ( though we do have carpet ) and the flexible antennas have really held up . My biggest complaint is the horrible high - pitched sound the receivers make if they 're on when the transmitter is turned off . That might happen with every other monitor , but I don 't know since this is the only one we 've had . My other major complaint is that the cord on the transmitter is quite short . I realize that this is for safety reasons , but it makes it difficult to plug it in to a low outlet and then rest the monitor on a higher surface . Since the cord was so short , we had to put the transmitter on the edge of the bookcase in Alex 's room , and I kept knocking it off - but maybe they 've lengthened the cord a bit since the version depicted in the picture looks different from ours , which was purchased in 2005 . Overall , I give this monitor a big thumbs up . It works well and is veryposted by ChiefFamilyOfficer @ 6 : 44 AM 0 comments My Medela Pump In Style Advanced worked great after I had Alex and I couldn 't recommend it highly enough . Naturally , I 've been using it again after having Tyler , although I did replace the tubing and membranes before he was born . For the last several months , though , the rubber part that you move depending on whether you want to pump one or both breasts has been slipping out , reducing the suction . I asked my lactation consultant , Ellen Steinberg , for a new part but she said I needed a new face plate . On her recommendation , I called Medela and was told that they 've redesigned their face plates since I bought my pump and they would send me a new one for free . So , I 'm now waiting for it . Hopefully , it 'll be easy to install and will solve the problem . I 'll keep you posted . Labels : baby gear After Alex was born two years ago , I had to completely change my way of thinking . I was used to doing things " my way , " which of course meant " the right way . " There was little room for error , but I had the luxury of time back then . Once Alex arrived , my schedule was determined by his , and his didn 't always match my needs - almost never , in fact . It wasn 't easy , and I 'm still working on it , but letting go of my need to be perfect was absolutely necessary for my sanity . Instead of saying to myself , " I need to clean the house , " I now try to say , " I need to vacuum the living room " and " I need to clean the downstairs bathroom . " My house is never sparkling clean from top to bottom anymore , but at least it 's moderately clean all the time . Because of this new perspective , I was able to terminate my cleaning service several months after Alex was born and keep the house clean myself ( with Marc 's help , of course ! ) . I posted a while back about how FlyLady . com helped me achieve this . Another way I save money by letting go of my need to be perfect is in the kitchen . We eat a lot more takeout now than we did before we had children , but I 've learned to cook less - than - perfect meals so that we can still save some money on groceries and eat more healthfully . For example , I might make a main dish but serve baby carrots instead of a " real " veggie side dish . I also tend to serve the same meals when I do cook , instead of trying three or four new recipes a week like I used to . And when I do try a new recipe , it 's one with relatively few ingredients and simple and quick cooking methods . Letting go of my need to be perfect saves us money in a less direct way as well . I have a basket full of receipts next to my computer with expenditures that need to be entered into Quicken so that I can track our spending and see where our money has gone and whether I need to adjust our spending plan ( aka budget ) . I used to input the data once every couple of weeks so that the receipts didn 't pile up too much . But now , with so little free time on my hands , thposted by ChiefFamilyOfficer @ 6 : 24 AM 0 comments Now that Tyler is four months old , his pediatrician has given us the go - ahead to start solids . However , the American College of Asthma , Allergy , & Immunology recommends that the exclusively breast - fed baby not start solids until six months . So I 've got a few weeks to prepare still , but I can 't believe how much I 've forgotten . To start , here are the guidelines that our pediatrician provided : Start with 2 to 4 tablespoons of rice or oatmeal cereal mixed with breast milk ( or formula ) twice a day . A few days later , introduce some fruit also . He recommended applesauce , bananas , peaches , pears , plums and prunes . After a couple of kinds of fruit , introduce some veggies , starting with orange vegetables like squash , carrots , or sweet potatoes since they taste better , and then moving on to green vegetables . Go 2 to 3 days between new foods and call if hives or other serious symptoms develop within a half of hour of eating a new food . That all seems very manageable , except for the tiny little fact that I made all of Alex 's food and I want to make all of Tyler 's food too ( with the exception of cereal - for that , I 'll buy an organic version ) . Being a foodie myself , I can 't help but feel that homemade food must taste better ( and I only use organic produce to make things as healthy as possible ) . But with Alex around now , I 'm a little daunted about finding time to make Tyler 's food . On the other hand , I have some experience under my belt and I 'm hoping things like how long to steam the apples and squash will come back to me . I just need to get another set of Fresh Baby food trays , and I 'll be all set . ( I liked the Fresh Baby trays much more than the KidCo trays - I always had a very hard time geting the frozen cubes out of those . ) I already plan on doing one thing a little differently . With Alex 's food , I relied on a regular food mill , and I 'll definitely be using it again at first . But for reasons I can 't articulate , I was always reluctant to liquify what Marc and I were eating and serve it to him . This time , however , I 'm already thinposted by ChiefFamilyOfficer @ 6 : 30 AM 2 comments See my previous posts in this series here and here . It 's not the first time I 've been overambitious and miscalculated , and I 'm sure it won 't be the last . I just didn 't realize how little free time I would have after Tyler was born , and now that he 's not a newborn , I have even less time for myself . So I 've decided that one of the many adjustments I have to make is putting off my financial education and shelving Personal Financial Planning : Theory and Practice and The Greatest Salesman in the World until I have more time to read , not to mention the mental capacity for learning . Hopefully that won 't be too long from now , but in the meantime , I don 't want to miss a minute of my boys growing up ! Labels : money In the same way that tennis players develop " tennis elbow , " I seem to develop " breastfeeding wrist " after I have a baby . With both Alex and Tyler , a couple of weeks after they were born , I noticed a sharp pain in my left wrist that got worse and worse . When I first developed it with Alex , I mentioned it to my lactation consultant , Ellen Steinberg , who said it 's actually a fairly common problem . A friend whose son is three months older than Alex mentioned that she also had pain in her wrist but I didn 't realize just how common this problem is until I saw that KellyMom . com , my favorite breastfeeding site , addresses the issue . The pain seems to be the result of breast massage and cupping the hand to support baby 's head during breastfeeding and while holding him . Even though I was aware of the potential of this problem developing after Tyler 's birth , I still wasn 't able to avoid it . My friend , who 's a doctor , described her problem as tendinitis and ended up getting a steroid shot to deal with the pain . KellyMom describes the problem as carpal tunnel syndrome . I 've never been to a doctor to be treated for it so I 'm not sure what the proper diagnosis is . KellyMom recommends the obvious during breastfeeding , i . e . , try to position baby so that you 're not cupping your wrist . They also have a list of possible treatments that includes wrist splints ( these helped me a little ) , ibuprofen ( which my obstetrician recommended when I mentioned the problem to him ; it didn 't help at all ) , and acupuncture ( I wish I 'd thought of this after I had Alex ; now it 's too hard to get to my acupuncturist but it probably would help a lot ) . Another remedy that 's not mentioned but that made the pain tolerable for me was the use of a high quality wintergreen essential oil on my wrist . ( Disclaimer : I 'm no expert ! Check out the Essential Oils Desk Reference for more info . ) My breastfeeding wrist with Alex did eventually go away . When he was about five months old , I needed a steroid shot to calm down a severe case of eczema , and it ended up having the sposted by ChiefFamilyOfficer @ 6 : 29 AM 2 comments When the folks over at Family Travel Gear asked me to review the Snack N ' Play Travel Tray , I was delighted because I 'd been looking for a product like this for Alex ever since we turned his car seat forward - facing . The concept is simple : a tray that can hold your child 's books , toys and snacks to keep him from driving you nuts - er , I mean entertained - during car and stroller rides . The Snack N ' Play Travel Tray is basically a rimmed tray made out of heavy fabric with a buckle that goes around your child to keep it in place . I found that it made the car seat straps a little difficult to tighten since I had to strap the tray on first . ( This wasn 't an issue with a three - point harness stroller . ) It 's nice to have a buckle on each side of the tray so that it doesn 't matter which side of the car the car seat is on . It appears the tray can be used with just about any car seat or stroller . A friend who tried the tray at my request said that her son didn 't like having the strap around him so she used it without the strap at times , but I haven 't had this problem with Alex , who sometimes asks for the tray even on short car trips . My friend and I both found that toys tended to slide backwards toward our sons and end up on the seat next to them . I also discovered that Alex ( at age two ) can 't maneuver a cup out of the side storage pocket . However , that might not be an issue with an older child . Because the tray is made of fabric , it can be folded for storage and actually comes in a fairly compact zipper bag ( similar to the kind that comforters come in ) . My biggest concern with this tray was safety , so I asked for more details about the claim that the tray had been " crash tested by a federally recognized laboratory " and " No concerns [ were ] noted . " I was informed that the laboratory receives federal funding to conduct safety tests and can 't be identified for contractual reasons , but that the test was conducted with a new car seat and a dummy . Additionally , the tray 's inventor told me that the tray complies with ASTM safety standposted by ChiefFamilyOfficer @ 5 : 47 AM 0 comments I 'm an attorney , wife to Marc , and mother to toddler Alex and newborn Tyler . I 'm also the CFO of our family - I manage our finances , including our spending , saving , investing and planning . I love to cook , and I even enjoy the occasional craft project if it 's not too complicated . I used to post on a regular schedule but found that my life was to hectic to keep up . Instead , I now post when I can on my favorite topics : family finances , cooking , and parenting . Contact me at cfoblog at gmail dot com .
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It seems like I always have a reason why I haven 't written in so long , but most of the time when I look back I feel like I could have fit in an entry or two . However these past few months have been crazy . Even while I wrote those last two sentences my dogs needed to go outside , my daughter was super fussy and I needed to eat dinner . Now , dogs are in bed , baby is asleep and hubby is asleep . What better time to get all caught up . Maybe . We 'll see . . . . . . The Overwhelming Process of Moving . It 's that time again . Moving time . While I understand that this is a process that I will probably become a pro at by the end of my husband 's military career , right now it 's a daunting task that I 'm not looking forward to . Perhaps it 's because I 'm a full time student and 7 months pregnant . Or perhaps it 's because we 're moving to South Korea and I have no clue what we can / should bring and what we should leave behind . In any case I am finding this task a bit overwhelming . When we moved to Fort Rucker , we only had 4 days to pack up our house and move . This was mainly because we had already scheduled and paid for a vacation not realizing the Army would require my husband to report so soon after he commissioned . Now the Army would have moved us , but we had heard that you can make a good amount of money doing a DITY ( Do - It - Yourself ) move and we wanted to make some money . And we did . It was a stressful time , but thanks to a lot people who helped us out , we made it through and we were so grateful that we did it . However , this time around a DITY move isn 't going to work for us for several reasons . One of the biggest is the whole moving to another country thing . The next is that by the time we move , I will be VERY pregnant . So that puts me back to where I was when I started this post . Overwhelmed . Here is what I need to accomplish in the next couple months . Organize our house so I know what we actually own and what we will actually want to take with us to Korea . Unlike our last move when weight equaled money , this time around we are only allotted half of the maximum weight my husband 's rank is allowed to move . One half . Not to mention almost all Korean housing is fully furnished , so we really don 't need to bring much with us . It would be so much easier if I could have them pack up our whole house and move it , but we have to figure out what is going to go into storage , what we 're going to take with us and what we 're going to give away , sell and throw out . Also , this task might not be as overwhelming if the hubs and I were naturally neat freaks and our house was already nicely organized into bins and labeled . Nope ! Our spare bedroom could probably make it onto the show " Hoarders " . As well as I 've been the same size since I was in 7th grade and have so many articles of clothing it 's embarrassing . ( Also now I have maternity clothes and clothes people have given me for little baby G ) . Add on to that the fact that we got married older , so wFunny how that is literally the least of my concerns . I figure this little girl is gonna come no matter if my school work gets finished , or hubs graduates flight school , the dishes get done or boxes get organized , so I 'm leaving the " having the baby " part alone . Sooooo , how to get started . My sweet best friend of a cousin finally convinced me to join Pinterest . She said it was a good way to look up stuff for the baby . And she was right . Now I feel like I 'm not neglecting this little girl , she has her own board on Pinterest . After I artistically decorated her room , organized her belongings , and made notes of all the stuff I feel the need to buy now , I turned my attention back to the elephant in the room . Moving and organizing . I found a pin - - which lead me to a blog - - that had a list entitled " 40 bags in 40 days " . I didn 't read the whole blog , but I liked the idea . Here is Lucy 's list . http : / / www . littlelucylu . com / 2011 / 03 / 40 - bags - continued . html ? showComment = 1346959002635 # c6178276555275685739 I 'll be making my own as I adapt her list to my house and my needs , but I figure I have about 40 days to get my house in order . But I like the idea of just doing one thing a day . I can handle that with all my homework , pregnancy exhaustion and pinterest obsession . ; ) Moving , I think we just found a way to get along . Please feel free to post a comment on what works for you and moving ! Posted by Like many of you , I grew up not really understanding the true meaning of Memorial Day . I wouldn 't fault my parents , more society and what the holiday has come to mean to the average American . With many Veterans in my extended and immediate family , we were taught to respect the military - - even before I married an active duty soldier . I , personally , have always gotten very emotional at the thought of someone losing his or her loved one in defense of our nation . This being said , I can honestly say that I had no clue that Memorial Day was strictly reserved for honoring those who had fallen in the line of duty . I thought it was a day to honor all those who had passed from this life . Even with that misconception , I am embarrassed to say that Memorial Day usually meant a day for a BBQ , as BBQ 's are a pretty big deal in my family , we know how to BBQ pretty darn well . Things tend to take on a different meaning when they become more personal . My first step towards a more respectful Memorial Day came when I got to visit ground zero , not even a year after the twin tours had fallen . The love and support sent to those who had lost their lives is unspeakable . As we walked through the wreckage and platforms that had been built and looked over the big empty hole that was so out of place , not one person spoke a word . As strangers , we would meet eyes and exchange a look of complete remorse . There was not one dry eye as we walked away with a new sense of feeling of what it really means to be American . I lived in New York a few years later , and those who had experienced the reality of 9 / 11 have not forgotten . Ground Zero Another step came when I had the opportunity to visit the Normandy Beaches in Northern France when I lived there . The videos and memorials made me sob like a baby . The courage and valor of the men from WWII astound me . The families they left behind were just as strong . Visiting those graves was extremely humbling . The respect the French people had for these Americans who fought for their freedom made me start to wonder if perhaps America could learn a thing or two about honor and respect . Normandy Beaches Cemetery My last step was when I met my husband 's family for the first time . We had decided that we would visit his family over Memorial Day weekend for a few reasons . First , he had time off of school and I had time off of work , and second , his entire family gathered in remembrance of their father / husband / grandfather who had passed away over 10 years ago . I watched in reverent silence as we went to the grave site of his father . Each child paid their respects , the grandchildren were told stories and were taught to observe their grandfather 's memory . Some tears were shed , but mainly laughter as memories were shared . I watched as a tragic event pulled this family closer and closer each year . I came to truly understand the benefits of what really honoring someone who has died can be to the living . This brings us to present day . I am sure your news feeds on Facebook , like mine , have been flooded with pictures and quotes of what Memorial Day is really about . It has made me stop and reflect on what the day means to me . Instead of just posting a quote , I wanted to really understand what it means to observe Memorial Day . I asked my husband if he knew the history of Memorial Day . He said he had recently read an article about a small little town who claimed to have started it all . That got me thinking and I did my own research , online , of course . I stumbled upon this website which some of you may have already found . The history is pretty detailed and seems to be pretty legit . The website talks about how many cities claim to have started this tradition . Other documentation states that women 's groups can take the credit because they started the practice of decorating the graves of those who had fallen during the Civil War . Memorial Day originally was May 5 but was then changed in 1868 to May 30 , with New York being the first state to officially recognize it as a holiday in 1873 . By 1890 all of the northern states recognized it as a state holiday . The southern states still chose to honor their dead on another day . It wasn 't until after World War I that Memorial Day was a time to remember all those who had died in the line of duty , not just those who had died in the civil war . Today almost all states recognize Memorial Day on the last Monday in May in compliance with the National Holiday Act of 1971 which ensures a three - day weekend for all federal Holidays . Some people believe that this is part of the disintegration of what has now become a holiday of " the start of summer " . To quote the VWF ( Veterans of Foreign Wars ) , " Changing the date merely to create three - day weekends has undermined the very meaning of the day . No doubt , this has contributed greatly to the general public 's nonchalant observance of Memorial Day . " There are some who believe strongly the date the should be changed back to May 30 , no matter what day it lands on . After reading and researching so much about Memorial Day , I have now pledged to treat each Memorial Day with the proper observance that it deserves . I do not have a problem with get - togethers and BBQ 's . As I mentioned with my husband 's family , I found that the very act of a family BBQ and visiting their loved one 's grave was very moving and respectful . However , not everyone has someone specific to remember . In that case I suggest the following things , also taken from the same website . That blood of heroes never dies . " Create a family tradition that you can reasonably continue each year . Even if it just is a family BBQ , while pausing at 3p . m . to think about those that have given the ultimate sacrifice . I have been an Army wife officially for a few years now , but only active duty for a year . For the most part I haven 't really felt any major impact . Life is just life and you deal with each day as you would - - no matter what your husband did . However over the past few weeks a few things have happened and my prospective started to change . In this blog post she speaks about the sacrifices and situations that we , as military spouses , go through . I must admit , most of the things she mentioned didn 't even cross my mind . I never thought of all the sacrifices we give . That is , until recently . Well the other day he had to do a precautionary landing in someone 's backyard durning one of his training flights . While the story is pretty comical ( I mean , imagine what your face would look like if you found a helicopter in your backyard ) and a precautionary landing is so much different than having to do an emergency landing ( it 's really not dangerous or alarming at all ) , I suddenly became aware of the very realistic dangers of my husband 's job . I 'm not talking about being a pilot , but a solider . I realized that this will not be the last time when my husband has to do something unplanned and more than likely , much more dangerous . I am so grateful , just as I was that day , that he has the training and the knowledge to handle the situations that he might come across . Another thing that has made me realize the sacrifices given by military families is that we recently found out that I am pregnant . This is our first child and we are very excited . Things haven 't been easy , as I have been very very sick . I feel best when I 'm lying down . . . but even then I don 't feel great . My husband has been there for me in every way he can , and I just feel so incredibly blessed to have such an attentive , sweet husband . However his schedule must always come first and some days I see him a total of a few hours . That being said , I think I could deal with that . In fact I have been . I didn 't really think about having to sacrifice until it was time for our first ultra - sound . Maybe to some of you , this wasn 't a big deal . But to us , hearing our first baby 's heartbeat for the first time was priceless . It is something you don 't get a second chance of . Because of my husband 's training , he wasn 't able to come to that appointment . Again , the Army came first . I didn 't realize that I felt so strongly about it until I was on my way to the hospital alone . When I mentioned my anxiety to a friend , she offered to go with me . I was so grateful for her thoughtfulness . Although I am so super excited to be pregnant , it 's all so new and a little overwhelming . Having my husband is what helps me get through it . When he wasn 't there , I felt so alone - - my family across the country . I am not looking for a pity party , I 'm just understanding my situation under a new light . It was hard to be sitting in the waiting room of the doctor 's office without him . While it was hard for me , it was even harder knowing it was difficult for my husband . It was just as difficult for him as it was for me . It was such a bittersweet moment looking at our baby for the first time without my husband . How is that fair ? This makes me think about the future . I knew when I signed up that there would be several tender moments that my husband might miss , but it never really settles until that moment hits you for the first time . Last year my husband almost missed our very first anniversary . He left for SERE training the next morning at 4 : 00am . We spent our anniversary making sure he was packed and had everything he needed . This year I wonder what will happen around the birth of our first child . It 's possible he 'll be done with training , and under normal circumstances we 'd be moving on to our next duty station . However , I 'll be VERY pregnant - - will I be able to travel ? Will the Army make my sweet husband move on without me ? Will he miss the birth of our sweet baby ? While most people attempt to calm my anxiety , I can 't help but think that there are more births , Christmas ' , anniversaries missed than the Army makes exception for . Even in my own family , my brother was deployed during the birth of his third child . I remember thinking " oh that must be so hard " . Here it was in my OWN family , and I had no idea how to identify with my sister - in - law . I remember speaking to her not to long after I got married saying , " I am so sorry I wasn 't there for you . I am so sorry I was not there to support you . " I don 't remember exactly what she said , but it was somewhat to the effect of she just got through it - - because that 's what you do . Let me mention again , this is not a pity party . This is not a post to make people feel sorry for me or for other military spouses to say " I 've been through worse " . And I 'm not looking for advice or comfort . I 'm sure as heck not looking to hear the words I have come to despise . . . . " Better get used to it " , because I won 't . I won 't ever get used to my husband not being there at events , holidays , anniversaries and birthdays that I know he wants to be at even more desperately than I want him there . While absolutely nothing has changed in my every day life , I feel I have a new deeper understanding . I have learned that when things are tough , that is when we learn to depend on each other . . . the military spouse . Why ? My friend who went with me to the hospital , her husband is deployed . She has every right to ask me for support and help - - yet there she was offering to be there for me . Another friend of mine who was 8 1 / 2 months pregnant , with 3 small children just moved to Fort Rucker - - her husband gone for a few months , asked for our help to move a couch . Although I was very sick , with my own pregnancy , and I barely get to see my husband as it is , we said " yes " . Another friend took time out of her life to babysit for another wife , so she could get some other things done because her husband was also gone . If we can 't depend on each other in our military life , who can we go to ? While our family often wants to be there for us , they are often too far away or don 't understand what we are going through . Each woman in my examples above had every reason to say " no " . What makes the Military family so unique is that we all said " yes " . While my new found realizations don 't make life any easier , it is comforting to know that I have such amazing woman to lean on . Now that we 've been here 9 months , we 've started to wonder if we might like to be homeowners . So we 've started to look around at houses . We haven 't started any kind of process . We haven 't applied for a loan , we haven 't looked at more than a few houses , but it 's exciting to think that we could be buying a house . There are so many opinions out there about whether buying a house is a good idea , whether you should rent or live on or off post . I 've come to realize that it is such a personal decision . I believe that you should really think about it , do your research etc , but if you feel good about it , then you should go for it . It 's been almost a year since my husband and I took a journey down south to take in the Florida sun . It 's intimidating committing to a vacation that makes it so easy to be taken advantage of . Our main attraction stop was four days at Disney World , but since hubs had taken a full week of leave , we decided to make a pitstop at SeaWorld . Here 's the reason why . We got in for free ! Each year Here 's to Heroes grants free admission to all active duty service members of all branches and up to three direct dependents into SeaWorld , BushGardens or Sesame Place . ( This is also true for all active duty Reserves and National Guard members ) When we went , we simply had to wait in the normal admission line and show both our military ID 's at the gate . According to Here 's to Heroes ' website , it is now necessary to fill out the registration form online and bring the printed signed copy and your military ID to the gate . Anywho , I wanted to tell you what we learned . I do a lot of research before we go on a trip . I research restaurants , parking , rides , iPhone apps , reviews , hotels , etc . I used to print out mini vacation novels for us to take on our trip , but in our age of technology I just need a list of addresses , email the rest to myself and download apps ( usually only free ones ) . After all the research , there were still things that I didn 't realize before we got there . For example that the SeaWorld in Orlando is soooo much more fun than the one in San Diego . ; ) We went in July , so there were crazy amounts of people . Crowds don 't bother us though , and after living in big major cities , we can navigate our way through crowds easily . iPhone app : SeaWorld has it 's own app , and it 's fantastic . Plus it 's FREE ! You choose your location ( Orlando , San Diego , San Antonio ) and then it gives you the different options of the app itself . We used the parking feature ( remembers where you parked - - we used this feature at Disney World too , since it works off of GPS ) , the map , show times , restrooms , food , and the ride and wait times . It also had a button that brought you straight to your camera for those " always want to remember " moments . Travel and Parking : Getting to SeaWorld is fairly straight forward if you can follow road signs well . Parking is easy . It 's a flat $ 14 . 00 for cars and motorcycles , $ 18 . 00 for recreational vehicles and $ 20 . 00 for preferred parking . Well , seeing as we don 't mind walking , we just chose the plain ol ' regular parking . Tickets : I had been to the SeaWorld in San Diego several times , the most recent being the fall of 2008 . Although I understand that was quite a few years ago now , at the time it seemed as if nothing had changed since the last time I had been there . Needless to say , I wasn 't all that impressed . So , that being my experience , I convinced my husband that there was absolutely no hurry in getting to the park when it opened . The heat was terrible while waiting in line . I 'm always cold , and normally the Alabama heat / humidity doesn 't bother me , but this heat was bad . Hubby said " Now you know how I feel " . I guess it served me right . We were in line for about a half an hour . The line was very long , but it moved quickly . It was faster if you had cash . I 'm assuming there are better times to get in line , but I 'm not sure what that would be . Once we got to the ticket booth it was super simple . Have your ID 's ready . Food : SeaWorld did not let you bring anything inside with you . There were so many perfectly good sandwiches stuffed into the garbage cans outside the entry gate . I believe they did let you have water , which we had - - although I wished we had the camel - bak Hubby brought to SERE school . We choose to get the all day dinning plan . It was amazing . It is $ 30 for one adult and it 's ALL YOU CAN EAT ! Now for my army man , that is music to his ears ! lol . As often as you want , you can go into any of the participating restaurants and get a main entree , a side ( or dessert ) , and a drink . We took full advantage of this and even though we entered the park at around 1 : 00pm , we ate at about 3 - 4 places . It 's great because we got a nice cold water bottle for " free " whenever we wanted . Those alone are about 3 bucks each . But before you decide I took a couple pictures of what we got . Shows , Attractions and Rides : At the end of the day we were VERY impressed with SeaWorld . I am not a fish person , but I am an animal person . They have a great cat and dog show and a couple of really fun show - shows ( not featuring animals hehe ) . The exhibits are fun too . The roller - coasters were amazing though . Kraken and Manta were by far our favorites EVER . We like big , fun , fast rides . We like the ones that go upside down or have fast turns etc . These two rides have them all . SO FUN . So much better than anything we rode at Disney World . In the end , we wished that we had arrived there earlier , because we would have liked to go to more shows and we wanted to ride the rides more , but we left feeling we got our money 's worth ( $ 14 for parking , $ 60 for food ) . Oh ! ! ! and they actually have kennels and a little pet path where you can keep your pet while you are at the park . You can come out and walk them and put them back in the Kennel . I can 't remember how much it is , but it was pretty cool . The guy working it was super nice and even though the pets were kenneled , they seemed to be very well treated . I , by no means , think this makes me an expert , but this was our experience and if it helps anyone else - - - GREAT ! If anyone has anything to add , please leave it in the comments so we can all learn ! Have fun and enjoy a perk of being part of the Army family . I 'm sure we 'll be going again this year . Posted by It 's embarrassing that I haven 't written anything for such a long time . I was hoping that if I started this blog over the summer that when I started school , I would already be in the habit and therefore continue to post while in school . That 's just not what happened . Obviously . What did happen was I jumped into school full time , got cast in the first musical production , and started driving to Troy , Al ( 45 - 60mins away - - 1 1 / 2 - - 2 hours round trip ) each day . I would leave my house at 07 : 00 - 07 : 30am each morning at get home around 11pm . Cured any boredom I might have , but for sure didn 't help in keeping my blog updated . When Christmas break came along we decided to get another dog . A little husky in fact . She 's adorable , but consumed all of my free time durning my month off of school . If all goes as planned this week , I will become a superwife ! Not only is my homework all done , but I 'll get ahead ! I 'll post about our trips to Disney - world ( military style ) , Seaworld and New Orleans . Give you my lists of Do 's and Don ' ts . Post about my experience the Fort Rucker Arts and Crafts center and post about why training your dog is so very important .
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OMG ! Lucy totally just rolled over . She rolled to the left and got her arm stuck under her , and then she rolled right and got all the way on her belly ! But SHE ' S TOO LITTLE ! ! ! ! My BABY can 't be ROLLING already ! ! ! Holy busy week , Batman . I 've been running around like mad DOING stuff . I know . I don 't usually do stuff two days in a row . I need one day off in between doing stuff days to recover . Lucy discovered new sucking toys - her fingers . Thanksgiving is this week . For all of you that forgot . And that means charity adopt - a - family type things that I 've been involved in at church . Grocery shopping for that was less painful than I had anticipated , and then there was sorting and delivering , etc . It 's done and some sweet families have turkeys and potatoes and stuffing that wouldn 't have been able to pull it off this year . That feels nice . Poor Lucy didn 't even have a single nap in her bed yesterday . That also partly because we went to see friends in the morning . I leave you with some evidence of the cuteness of the tiny friendships among these tiny people because I have a crap load of stuff to get done around here for Thanksgiving now that my obligations elsewhere have been fulfilled . Lucy and Sicily having a conversation . ( Jack in the background busy playing ) They were actually smiling and cooing at each other . The cuteness ! Lucy and Molly posing for the camera . Cheese ! Monday . Sigh . Why is it so hard to stay on track during the weekend ? I 'm so good all week and then the weekend comes , and I act like I 'm still pregnant eating everything in sight . This week I 'm only down half a pound . I 'm pretty sure that has something to do with the bite of doughnut the Bubba gave me after church on Sunday . Oh , and the 80 brownies I ate at my Sunday afternoon meeting . and perhaps the roast and potatoes and gravy and biscuits for Sunday dinner . Sigh . At least we 're still heading in the right direction . Chances are I 'm not going to be the hottest babe at the Bubba 's company Christmas party , but I can handle that , I suppose . . . Ok , back to Lucy . Have I mentioned that she 's awesome ? I just really like her . She 's great . And it 's a good thing too , because man , I do a lot for this little child . We spent the last part of last week getting over that booster she had to have . She had a fever and didn 't feel well . I gave up my ticket to the UW basketball game Thursday night . Yeah , and Thursday and Friday , I pretty much never got out of the rocking chair because Herself just wanted to rock and be held and nothing else . One night we put on some new jammies that say " La nuit je dors avec tous mes amis " and it 's all fuzzy and has little animal faces on the arms and feet . But I looked at her and realized that the outfit 's kind of psychedelic - so I found a headband and she looks like she stepped out of an ' 80s workout video ! It 's not my fault . She fell asleep in the car at one point , and when I looked at her , she was fast asleep but was holding her arm up in a " seig heil " pose . Weird . And I also have some finished knitting projects to show off , but that will have to wait until tomorrow because I hear the princess calling from her chambers . And that means it 's time to muster the energy to get to the grocery store for Thanksgiving fare . I was avoiding the market this weekend knowing full well that it would be heinous . I hope Monday afternoon will be a little slower and I can just get my couple little things and get outPosted by I haven 't gone to the gym in weeks . When I 'm able to go , I just can 't muster the energy . Our gym doesn 't have child care , so the able - to - go timeframe is before the Bubba goes to work or after he gets home - that is 5 - 6 am or 7 - 9 pm . I just can 't fabricate enough motivation to make it work . And it makes sense for us right now to concentrate on tightening the proverbial belt instead of the literal one . I have to say , I 'm a little bit disappointed . After Lucy was born , I had big plans to hire a personal trainer to help me along my post - partum weight loss route . Someone to show me what is effective with melting the incredibly tenacious back boobs . I think I 've learned that there 's no magic bullet for the back boobs ( or the gut , or the thunder thighs ) and that general weight loss is the only thing that 's going to cut it . That 's a sad realization for a first time mom / nervous eater going into holiday season . I see a whole bunch of cookie temptations in my not - so - distant future . Mmmmm Lebkuchens . But , I got the Biggest Loser workout DVD from the library the other day ( Thank you , Jesus , for the library ) . And ? It 's awesome . Have you seen that show ? I think it 's super inspirational - I 'm not certain that loosing as much as possible as quickly as possible is really the healthiest thing , but the things these people do to push themselves are incredible ! And I like the cardio DVD for a more than a few reasons . You can do any part or all of the workouts in any order . So , no doing more than I can handle , and no getting bored . Also ? It 's really tough . No pussy - footing around for these guys . And there are people from the show doing the workout - that is to say porky people like me on the screen and not super skinny people that all do the moves effortlessly . I figure , if they 're pushing themselves like that , I can too ! I 've done it for two days now and it 's totally kicking my butt . Actually , last night I slept poorly because I 'm sore . I figured out that I can do one of the workouts and shower quick before Lucy wakes up from her morning nPosted by My husband is a Pleaser . He very sincerely believes that there is a way to make everyone happy all the time . It 's a frustrating quality , mostly because he sees us as a Unit and therefore everyone else is the target of the pleasing . . . It looks like Lucy got some of those Pleaser genes . We went to the doctor today to get the one booster that they were out of at her 2 month visit . I wanted to wait until the 4 month visit which is just in a couple of weeks here , but the nurse encouraged me to get it right away so there was no risk of running out again . I guess we shouldn 't mess around with Polio . We got in the exam room , and got Lu 's pants off to bare her ample thighs to the nurse . The nurse poked Lucy , who cried breathlessly for approximately a second and a half . And then she was fine . As the nurse put a bandage on the injection spot , Lucy looked up and gave the nurse her biggest smile . And said " aaahlooooonnaaaaah " . The nurse said it made her day and that children never smile at her because she gives the pokes and does the uncomfortable prodding and whatnot . Crazy kid . Time for a cuteness post starring Lulu Bugga - boo . After Lucy 's bath , we sat by the window looking at the cars go by , and I thought she couldn 't look any cuter with her fuzzy hair all clean and fluffy and sticky - uppy . These are also her new overalls which are my new favorite thing in her wardrobe - they are blue corduroy with apples on them . It 's kind of hard not to put them on her every day . And then I found a very girly pink bow for her hair . This just kills me . It 's almost too cute . And THEN , as if that wasn 't enough , she 's started talking non - stop . I don 't know what triggered the change , but she spews a constant string of commentary from the second she wakes up . I 've been fighting with the machine trying to upload . I 'll post a video as soon as stupid blogger will let me . Grrrr . Posted by Today was not my finest achievement in the weigh - in department . Well , it wasn 't wicked bad , I lost one surprise pound ( which is still definitely something ! ) . College friends of the Bubba 's from Wash U were here to visit this weekend . College friends who aren 't married and don 't have kids . Who do things like go to bars without a moment 's consideration . Who sleep in if they feel like it . You get the point . Wandering around downtownHunter and Nyree came from California and Chelsey came from Colorado . They stayed at Leif and Kristy 's house , because God knows we don 't have room for one guest , much less three ! Me and Lucy , Pioneer Square ( evidence of the new mom - buttless jeans ) ( you 're allowed to leave comments about how hot I look ) And we did things that we haven 't done since way before Lucy was born ( I was totally antisocial in the last few - ok 4 - months of pregnancy ) . We went wandering through galleries downtown . And then the boys stayed home with Lucy and Enza and watched football while the girls went shopping in the boutiques of Ballard and to a wine bar for a mid - afternoon snack . It was amazing . We call this : Enza Contemplating GrateAnd that evening we put the babies to bed and had a lovely dinner of roast beef and sweet potatoes mashed with kale and cheese , and french bread ! and gravy ! and spinach salad ! with candied pecans ! and more wine ! And I didn 't worry about watching what I ate . And we told funny stories and we laughed . And it was like no time at all had passed since the last time we saw them . And yet there were so many stories to tell and toasts to toast . Those are my favorite kind of friends . The kind that when you see them even if it 's after years of being apart , it 's as if nothing has changed . Lucy loved the attention . She and Enza were passed around and loved all weekend . Lucy 's vocabulary has widened just from the weekend too - I don 't know if it was being around so many talkers or what , but she came up with the " d " sound as well as some strings of gobbledygook that clearly mean something very important Posted by I finally broke down and bought myself some " transition " clothes yesterday . I went to the mall with the intention of taking back some clothes that don 't fit Lu . Which turned out awesome , in fact , because the store I returned them to was having a huge sale . So now Lucy has two new pants , two shirts , and a jacket . All in exchange for a couple of little things . It 's a little crazy , but she wears 6 - 12 month sizes from that store . Yeesh . Anyhoo , enough about her , back to me . I haven 't wanted to buy any clothes for this transition period from huge babyness to regular old me . Partly because I kind of don 't want myself to be comfortable in this period . I would like to get to my old weight as soon as possible and not dally around in clothes that fit this body . Also partly because as most of you guys know as well as I do , babies are freaking expensive . I have had a hard time justifying spending money on clothes that I 'll ( hopefully ) only wear for a couple more months when the hospital bills from the turned - out - to - be - nothing fever just about brought us to our knees . Well , I decided that things that cover my rather large posterior slipped from the " want " category into the " need " slot . I figured everyone would thank me . And ? As I was walking through the mall yesterday having made this decision , I already started feeling a little better about myself . So I went to one of the department stores and decided that a pair of right - now jeans would be in order considering I wear them every single day . Now , remember that Lucy is in the stroller , her head on a pivot , wanting to see everything at once , getting tired and over stimulated . Imagine me trapped half naked with her in a tiny dressing room . No thank you . But all of a sudden the planets aligned . Lucy fell asleep ! I found a sale rack with all kinds of jeans ! There was a huge dressing room open ! It was meant to be . And I found a pair of jeans after only trying on 5 pair . Not bad if you ask me . They 're not super nice jeans , or sexy or trendy . Just jeans . But they fit me , and they 're not aPosted by So many people tell you when you 're pregnant that as soon as that creature leaves your body , you 're going to see the baby and instantly fall in love . And maybe I believed that , too , since the baby websites talk about all the oxytocin and dopamine that are released into your system after the baby 's born that make you feel warm and fuzzy and motherly . When Lucy was placed on my chest seconds after breathing her very first breath ever , I remember the only emotion I felt was surprise . What ? This is a baby ! What is it doing here ? What ? ! IT ' S MINE ? ? And I cried . Mostly because of relief that I wouldn 't have to push any more , a little because I was so exhausted , and some because OMG , I just pushed a BABY out of my belly ! And I LOVED her at that moment . Really , if you want to get technical , I loved her from the moment I knew she was in my belly somewhere , somehow . But at the hospital , I wondered , when is this baby 's parents going to come pick her up ? And I was surprised when the staff at the hospital was going to let me leave with this tiny person . Home in those first weeks , I marveled at Lucy 's every noise , every bodily function , every sleepy movement . But I still wasn 't sure I had that miraculous Mommy Bond . I mean , I couldn 't leave her without feeling physical pain , I felt the driving need to feed her and keep her clean and warm , but was I in love with her ? The fairy tale ( sigh ) loooooove ? I would categorize those feelings more along the lines of anxiety . I think I just caught up with the love and twitterpation hard core in the last few weeks . Or maybe it has just slowly grown into what it is now . Now , I am completely enamored , girl - can - do - no - wrong , completely smitten with this baby . I find so much JOY in Lucy 's facial expressions , in her figuring out how to use her hands , in her emerging sense of humor . I had no idea the amount of sheer adoration one could have , and I am often swept up in it . It just happened to take a little longer than immediately . Lately , when she 's done nursing , she 'll play a game where she 'll suck a Posted by Well , Hiya ! Sorry I haven 't posted in a while . It seems I 've been busy . Let me catch you up . When I get an idea , I have to follow through to the very end immediately . I have a real hard time with long term goals - I have to break everything down into daily or weekly goals or nothing at all will get done . When I start a book , if it 's good ( or sometimes if I really hate it and just want to get it over with ) I will stay up all hours to finish it even if it takes a couple of days / nights . When I clean , I start with the bathroom because even just a half hour in there makes a shiny difference . One could say I 'm a fan of instant gratification - though I 'm not sure that 's entirely accurate . I don 't mind hard work . I just like to see the fruits of my labors appear very quickly . Well , I started a project . Last Thursday morning . And , of course , that means that I can 't come up for air until it 's done . You know those baby " gyms " where the baby lays on a mat and the toys hang from bars arced above them ? Well , Lucy LOVES them when she 's at friends ' houses . She 's entertained and fascinated for a huge chunk of time . I decided she should have one . But - did you check out that link ? - they 're like 60 - 80 dollars ! ! I can 't justify that for something she 'll enjoy for a matter of months ! And besides ? Half of them light up and play songs and beep and whirl and I find those to be generally OBNOXIOUS and crap . And I don 't want something obnoxious in the middle of my ( tiny ! ) living room for the next 9 months . When are they going to make baby toys that are not extremely unpleasant to parents ? ? I know it makes me a huge dork , but I decided to make one myself with my fabric remnants and a couple of clothing items bound for goodwill . It turned out pretty ok , if you ask me . . . Her favorite by far is the star with bells for hands and feet ( nice , mellow bell sounds , thankyouverymuch ) . She also has a pair of dice with fuzzy dots - as opposed to fuzzy dice . I even put little boxes of split peas in them so they rattle ( I even MADE the little boxes . Yeah . I ' Posted by I ate dinner on the kitchen floor tonight . I sat with my bowl of chili that has been stewing in the crock pot all day and I had the most wonderful dinner companion sitting in her swing talking to me the whole time . She smiled and laughed her " ccckkkkk " laugh and basically told me how happy she is that I was around . Even though the Bubba was in San Diego doing his big important meet the architects meetings and schmoozing dinners , I went to my youth group thang . Oh , did I tell you ? I started helping out with youth group at our church . It 's my Wednesday gig now . Two hours - ish of hanging with middle schoolers learning how to be faithful and good little people in their every day lives . And I learn a little from them too . It 's a good trade . And it 's something fulfilling for me to do outside of my little at - home world with Lucy . So I went to youth group tonight . And I left Lucy with friends . Normally , I leave her either with the Bubba or not really ever longer than an hour or so with other people . I had to leave her for two . Whole . Hours . And I totally did . I never even checked my phone . I only thought briefly that I hope she wasn 't melting down like she has the last couple nights . And I only once or twice asked myself if I mentioned that the pumped milk was in the fridge . And I missed her . It was great to get back home and see her smile . What an amazing little person ! And she is sitting next to me in her swing , and ( I imagine ) is telling me everything that happened while I was away as I am slurping down my chili . An amazing conversationalist , she won 't let me get away with not responding . She 's insisting on her points in her convicted little way . Lucy 's awesome . Every once in a while I look up from my day - to - day humdrum and say my God , how did I get so blessed ? I am so blessed to be sitting on the kitchen floor with a bowl of chili and this sweet amazing baby . And now it 's time for the humdrum routine of bedtime . But I have a feeling that the magic of this moment 's going to linger for a little while . . . I kept Lucy up this morning so that she 'd pass out when I put her in the Moby to take the walk to the Fremont Baptist Church to cast our votes . She obliged beautifully - she fell asleep before we even walked out the door . On the way to the church , I stopped and treated myself to a decaf latte just to congratulate myself on my right to vote and add another bit of occasion . The barista told me that she heard the lines at the fremont polling place were two hours long . That dampered my coffee treat a little as I imagined trying to breastfeed Lucy or change her diaper while waiting in line to vote . Ugh - * shudder * . But we got to the church and I waited in line behind only two people to sign in and get my ballot . It 's chilly in Seattle today - mid forties - and Lucy and I bundled up against the cold wind for the walk . Well , the church was about 80 bazillion degrees with the people moving about in two small rooms and I had the hot coffee that felt so nice when we were outside . As I leaned over to sign my name on the ballot registration sheet , I could feel two drips of sweat course down my back . To make things more interesting , Lucy woke up the moment we stepped into line . Even though the registration line was short , the line for the booths was considerably longer . And there were no extra pens to be had in the entirety of Fremont in order to take the ballot even into the church and fill it out in a pew , so I waited dutifully for a booth with a pens attached . Bounce , bounce , bounce , " Shhhhhhhhh , it 's ok , Lucy " bounce bounce bounce . Sweat running down my neck . Bounce , bounce . Sing Twinkle Twinkle under my breath to Lucy , wipe sweat from my temple . God , why won 't someone let me go in front of them ? Finally a guy came in and announced to the huge crowd of people waiting for a booth " There are more booths in the room around the corner " in a duh ! - you - didn 't - know - already ? sort of tone . I rushed to the other room , and lo and behold ! A booth ! For me ! By this time , Lucy 's fussing and wanting to get out of the Moby . Ugh . Bounce , bouncePosted by We dealt with a major fussypants last night as we wrapped up a super busy weekend . Our costumes for the party Friday night ended up being only a little bit lame . Lucy was the cutest little pun ' kin you ever did see , and the Bubba and I were mommy and daddy pumpkins . Cute enough for the last minute . Then Saturday we went to a baby shower for some friends that are due at the beginning of December . Maggie throws a mean party , yo . And I left with a bunch of loot - who knew I was such a genius at the Price is Right - Baby Items ? Ok , well , I guess I DID just go through buying or wanting to buy all kinds of baby crap in the past few months . . . Eliana tickling " Baby Woocie " Back at home we were all trying to recover from a late - ish night and a busy morning , and my Bubba turned to me and said " Thanks for making us such nice friends . " This struck me as super funny . Partially because it 's silly , and partially because it 's true . The Bubba 's not really an outgoing person . Don 't get me wrong , he 's a great conversationalist and is funny and fun . He 's just not assertive and won 't go out and meet people . While I on the other hand , well , I walk up to people hand extended and say " Hi , I 'm Lizzie , I 'd like to know you . " ( Much to the everlasting embarrassment of the Bubba ) But we do have nice friends and I love it . Even last summer , this wasn 't the case . We see a great group of guys from the Bubba 's work intermittently , but they 're mostly single or married without kids and you know that once you have a wife and a kid , those relationships kind of change . Especially when all of your conversation topics include eating and sleeping patterns and new skill developments in infants . . . One of the things I really love about this our group now is that we all really enjoy each others ' kids . Each baby is passed from one person to the next and everybody takes turns holding the little babies and playing with the toddlers . We 're all in the same stage of families , one or two babies , same general age group . And you know that the fact that we 're all battling sPosted by
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OMG ! Lucy totally just rolled over . She rolled to the left and got her arm stuck under her , and then she rolled right and got all the way on her belly ! But SHE ' S TOO LITTLE ! ! ! ! My BABY can 't be ROLLING already ! ! ! Holy busy week , Batman . I 've been running around like mad DOING stuff . I know . I don 't usually do stuff two days in a row . I need one day off in between doing stuff days to recover . Lucy discovered new sucking toys - her fingers . Thanksgiving is this week . For all of you that forgot . And that means charity adopt - a - family type things that I 've been involved in at church . Grocery shopping for that was less painful than I had anticipated , and then there was sorting and delivering , etc . It 's done and some sweet families have turkeys and potatoes and stuffing that wouldn 't have been able to pull it off this year . That feels nice . Poor Lucy didn 't even have a single nap in her bed yesterday . That also partly because we went to see friends in the morning . I leave you with some evidence of the cuteness of the tiny friendships among these tiny people because I have a crap load of stuff to get done around here for Thanksgiving now that my obligations elsewhere have been fulfilled . Lucy and Sicily having a conversation . ( Jack in the background busy playing ) They were actually smiling and cooing at each other . The cuteness ! Lucy and Molly posing for the camera . Cheese ! Monday . Sigh . Why is it so hard to stay on track during the weekend ? I 'm so good all week and then the weekend comes , and I act like I 'm still pregnant eating everything in sight . This week I 'm only down half a pound . I 'm pretty sure that has something to do with the bite of doughnut the Bubba gave me after church on Sunday . Oh , and the 80 brownies I ate at my Sunday afternoon meeting . and perhaps the roast and potatoes and gravy and biscuits for Sunday dinner . Sigh . At least we 're still heading in the right direction . Chances are I 'm not going to be the hottest babe at the Bubba 's company Christmas party , but I can handle that , I suppose . . . Ok , back to Lucy . Have I mentioned that she 's awesome ? I just really like her . She 's great . And it 's a good thing too , because man , I do a lot for this little child . We spent the last part of last week getting over that booster she had to have . She had a fever and didn 't feel well . I gave up my ticket to the UW basketball game Thursday night . Yeah , and Thursday and Friday , I pretty much never got out of the rocking chair because Herself just wanted to rock and be held and nothing else . One night we put on some new jammies that say " La nuit je dors avec tous mes amis " and it 's all fuzzy and has little animal faces on the arms and feet . But I looked at her and realized that the outfit 's kind of psychedelic - so I found a headband and she looks like she stepped out of an ' 80s workout video ! It 's not my fault . She fell asleep in the car at one point , and when I looked at her , she was fast asleep but was holding her arm up in a " seig heil " pose . Weird . And I also have some finished knitting projects to show off , but that will have to wait until tomorrow because I hear the princess calling from her chambers . And that means it 's time to muster the energy to get to the grocery store for Thanksgiving fare . I was avoiding the market this weekend knowing full well that it would be heinous . I hope Monday afternoon will be a little slower and I can just get my couple little things and get outPosted by I haven 't gone to the gym in weeks . When I 'm able to go , I just can 't muster the energy . Our gym doesn 't have child care , so the able - to - go timeframe is before the Bubba goes to work or after he gets home - that is 5 - 6 am or 7 - 9 pm . I just can 't fabricate enough motivation to make it work . And it makes sense for us right now to concentrate on tightening the proverbial belt instead of the literal one . I have to say , I 'm a little bit disappointed . After Lucy was born , I had big plans to hire a personal trainer to help me along my post - partum weight loss route . Someone to show me what is effective with melting the incredibly tenacious back boobs . I think I 've learned that there 's no magic bullet for the back boobs ( or the gut , or the thunder thighs ) and that general weight loss is the only thing that 's going to cut it . That 's a sad realization for a first time mom / nervous eater going into holiday season . I see a whole bunch of cookie temptations in my not - so - distant future . Mmmmm Lebkuchens . But , I got the Biggest Loser workout DVD from the library the other day ( Thank you , Jesus , for the library ) . And ? It 's awesome . Have you seen that show ? I think it 's super inspirational - I 'm not certain that loosing as much as possible as quickly as possible is really the healthiest thing , but the things these people do to push themselves are incredible ! And I like the cardio DVD for a more than a few reasons . You can do any part or all of the workouts in any order . So , no doing more than I can handle , and no getting bored . Also ? It 's really tough . No pussy - footing around for these guys . And there are people from the show doing the workout - that is to say porky people like me on the screen and not super skinny people that all do the moves effortlessly . I figure , if they 're pushing themselves like that , I can too ! I 've done it for two days now and it 's totally kicking my butt . Actually , last night I slept poorly because I 'm sore . I figured out that I can do one of the workouts and shower quick before Lucy wakes up from her morning nPosted by My husband is a Pleaser . He very sincerely believes that there is a way to make everyone happy all the time . It 's a frustrating quality , mostly because he sees us as a Unit and therefore everyone else is the target of the pleasing . . . It looks like Lucy got some of those Pleaser genes . We went to the doctor today to get the one booster that they were out of at her 2 month visit . I wanted to wait until the 4 month visit which is just in a couple of weeks here , but the nurse encouraged me to get it right away so there was no risk of running out again . I guess we shouldn 't mess around with Polio . We got in the exam room , and got Lu 's pants off to bare her ample thighs to the nurse . The nurse poked Lucy , who cried breathlessly for approximately a second and a half . And then she was fine . As the nurse put a bandage on the injection spot , Lucy looked up and gave the nurse her biggest smile . And said " aaahlooooonnaaaaah " . The nurse said it made her day and that children never smile at her because she gives the pokes and does the uncomfortable prodding and whatnot . Crazy kid . Time for a cuteness post starring Lulu Bugga - boo . After Lucy 's bath , we sat by the window looking at the cars go by , and I thought she couldn 't look any cuter with her fuzzy hair all clean and fluffy and sticky - uppy . These are also her new overalls which are my new favorite thing in her wardrobe - they are blue corduroy with apples on them . It 's kind of hard not to put them on her every day . And then I found a very girly pink bow for her hair . This just kills me . It 's almost too cute . And THEN , as if that wasn 't enough , she 's started talking non - stop . I don 't know what triggered the change , but she spews a constant string of commentary from the second she wakes up . I 've been fighting with the machine trying to upload . I 'll post a video as soon as stupid blogger will let me . Grrrr . Posted by Today was not my finest achievement in the weigh - in department . Well , it wasn 't wicked bad , I lost one surprise pound ( which is still definitely something ! ) . College friends of the Bubba 's from Wash U were here to visit this weekend . College friends who aren 't married and don 't have kids . Who do things like go to bars without a moment 's consideration . Who sleep in if they feel like it . You get the point . Wandering around downtownHunter and Nyree came from California and Chelsey came from Colorado . They stayed at Leif and Kristy 's house , because God knows we don 't have room for one guest , much less three ! Me and Lucy , Pioneer Square ( evidence of the new mom - buttless jeans ) ( you 're allowed to leave comments about how hot I look ) And we did things that we haven 't done since way before Lucy was born ( I was totally antisocial in the last few - ok 4 - months of pregnancy ) . We went wandering through galleries downtown . And then the boys stayed home with Lucy and Enza and watched football while the girls went shopping in the boutiques of Ballard and to a wine bar for a mid - afternoon snack . It was amazing . We call this : Enza Contemplating GrateAnd that evening we put the babies to bed and had a lovely dinner of roast beef and sweet potatoes mashed with kale and cheese , and french bread ! and gravy ! and spinach salad ! with candied pecans ! and more wine ! And I didn 't worry about watching what I ate . And we told funny stories and we laughed . And it was like no time at all had passed since the last time we saw them . And yet there were so many stories to tell and toasts to toast . Those are my favorite kind of friends . The kind that when you see them even if it 's after years of being apart , it 's as if nothing has changed . Lucy loved the attention . She and Enza were passed around and loved all weekend . Lucy 's vocabulary has widened just from the weekend too - I don 't know if it was being around so many talkers or what , but she came up with the " d " sound as well as some strings of gobbledygook that clearly mean something very important Posted by I finally broke down and bought myself some " transition " clothes yesterday . I went to the mall with the intention of taking back some clothes that don 't fit Lu . Which turned out awesome , in fact , because the store I returned them to was having a huge sale . So now Lucy has two new pants , two shirts , and a jacket . All in exchange for a couple of little things . It 's a little crazy , but she wears 6 - 12 month sizes from that store . Yeesh . Anyhoo , enough about her , back to me . I haven 't wanted to buy any clothes for this transition period from huge babyness to regular old me . Partly because I kind of don 't want myself to be comfortable in this period . I would like to get to my old weight as soon as possible and not dally around in clothes that fit this body . Also partly because as most of you guys know as well as I do , babies are freaking expensive . I have had a hard time justifying spending money on clothes that I 'll ( hopefully ) only wear for a couple more months when the hospital bills from the turned - out - to - be - nothing fever just about brought us to our knees . Well , I decided that things that cover my rather large posterior slipped from the " want " category into the " need " slot . I figured everyone would thank me . And ? As I was walking through the mall yesterday having made this decision , I already started feeling a little better about myself . So I went to one of the department stores and decided that a pair of right - now jeans would be in order considering I wear them every single day . Now , remember that Lucy is in the stroller , her head on a pivot , wanting to see everything at once , getting tired and over stimulated . Imagine me trapped half naked with her in a tiny dressing room . No thank you . But all of a sudden the planets aligned . Lucy fell asleep ! I found a sale rack with all kinds of jeans ! There was a huge dressing room open ! It was meant to be . And I found a pair of jeans after only trying on 5 pair . Not bad if you ask me . They 're not super nice jeans , or sexy or trendy . Just jeans . But they fit me , and they 're not aPosted by So many people tell you when you 're pregnant that as soon as that creature leaves your body , you 're going to see the baby and instantly fall in love . And maybe I believed that , too , since the baby websites talk about all the oxytocin and dopamine that are released into your system after the baby 's born that make you feel warm and fuzzy and motherly . When Lucy was placed on my chest seconds after breathing her very first breath ever , I remember the only emotion I felt was surprise . What ? This is a baby ! What is it doing here ? What ? ! IT ' S MINE ? ? And I cried . Mostly because of relief that I wouldn 't have to push any more , a little because I was so exhausted , and some because OMG , I just pushed a BABY out of my belly ! And I LOVED her at that moment . Really , if you want to get technical , I loved her from the moment I knew she was in my belly somewhere , somehow . But at the hospital , I wondered , when is this baby 's parents going to come pick her up ? And I was surprised when the staff at the hospital was going to let me leave with this tiny person . Home in those first weeks , I marveled at Lucy 's every noise , every bodily function , every sleepy movement . But I still wasn 't sure I had that miraculous Mommy Bond . I mean , I couldn 't leave her without feeling physical pain , I felt the driving need to feed her and keep her clean and warm , but was I in love with her ? The fairy tale ( sigh ) loooooove ? I would categorize those feelings more along the lines of anxiety . I think I just caught up with the love and twitterpation hard core in the last few weeks . Or maybe it has just slowly grown into what it is now . Now , I am completely enamored , girl - can - do - no - wrong , completely smitten with this baby . I find so much JOY in Lucy 's facial expressions , in her figuring out how to use her hands , in her emerging sense of humor . I had no idea the amount of sheer adoration one could have , and I am often swept up in it . It just happened to take a little longer than immediately . Lately , when she 's done nursing , she 'll play a game where she 'll suck a Posted by Well , Hiya ! Sorry I haven 't posted in a while . It seems I 've been busy . Let me catch you up . When I get an idea , I have to follow through to the very end immediately . I have a real hard time with long term goals - I have to break everything down into daily or weekly goals or nothing at all will get done . When I start a book , if it 's good ( or sometimes if I really hate it and just want to get it over with ) I will stay up all hours to finish it even if it takes a couple of days / nights . When I clean , I start with the bathroom because even just a half hour in there makes a shiny difference . One could say I 'm a fan of instant gratification - though I 'm not sure that 's entirely accurate . I don 't mind hard work . I just like to see the fruits of my labors appear very quickly . Well , I started a project . Last Thursday morning . And , of course , that means that I can 't come up for air until it 's done . You know those baby " gyms " where the baby lays on a mat and the toys hang from bars arced above them ? Well , Lucy LOVES them when she 's at friends ' houses . She 's entertained and fascinated for a huge chunk of time . I decided she should have one . But - did you check out that link ? - they 're like 60 - 80 dollars ! ! I can 't justify that for something she 'll enjoy for a matter of months ! And besides ? Half of them light up and play songs and beep and whirl and I find those to be generally OBNOXIOUS and crap . And I don 't want something obnoxious in the middle of my ( tiny ! ) living room for the next 9 months . When are they going to make baby toys that are not extremely unpleasant to parents ? ? I know it makes me a huge dork , but I decided to make one myself with my fabric remnants and a couple of clothing items bound for goodwill . It turned out pretty ok , if you ask me . . . Her favorite by far is the star with bells for hands and feet ( nice , mellow bell sounds , thankyouverymuch ) . She also has a pair of dice with fuzzy dots - as opposed to fuzzy dice . I even put little boxes of split peas in them so they rattle ( I even MADE the little boxes . Yeah . I ' Posted by I ate dinner on the kitchen floor tonight . I sat with my bowl of chili that has been stewing in the crock pot all day and I had the most wonderful dinner companion sitting in her swing talking to me the whole time . She smiled and laughed her " ccckkkkk " laugh and basically told me how happy she is that I was around . Even though the Bubba was in San Diego doing his big important meet the architects meetings and schmoozing dinners , I went to my youth group thang . Oh , did I tell you ? I started helping out with youth group at our church . It 's my Wednesday gig now . Two hours - ish of hanging with middle schoolers learning how to be faithful and good little people in their every day lives . And I learn a little from them too . It 's a good trade . And it 's something fulfilling for me to do outside of my little at - home world with Lucy . So I went to youth group tonight . And I left Lucy with friends . Normally , I leave her either with the Bubba or not really ever longer than an hour or so with other people . I had to leave her for two . Whole . Hours . And I totally did . I never even checked my phone . I only thought briefly that I hope she wasn 't melting down like she has the last couple nights . And I only once or twice asked myself if I mentioned that the pumped milk was in the fridge . And I missed her . It was great to get back home and see her smile . What an amazing little person ! And she is sitting next to me in her swing , and ( I imagine ) is telling me everything that happened while I was away as I am slurping down my chili . An amazing conversationalist , she won 't let me get away with not responding . She 's insisting on her points in her convicted little way . Lucy 's awesome . Every once in a while I look up from my day - to - day humdrum and say my God , how did I get so blessed ? I am so blessed to be sitting on the kitchen floor with a bowl of chili and this sweet amazing baby . And now it 's time for the humdrum routine of bedtime . But I have a feeling that the magic of this moment 's going to linger for a little while . . . I kept Lucy up this morning so that she 'd pass out when I put her in the Moby to take the walk to the Fremont Baptist Church to cast our votes . She obliged beautifully - she fell asleep before we even walked out the door . On the way to the church , I stopped and treated myself to a decaf latte just to congratulate myself on my right to vote and add another bit of occasion . The barista told me that she heard the lines at the fremont polling place were two hours long . That dampered my coffee treat a little as I imagined trying to breastfeed Lucy or change her diaper while waiting in line to vote . Ugh - * shudder * . But we got to the church and I waited in line behind only two people to sign in and get my ballot . It 's chilly in Seattle today - mid forties - and Lucy and I bundled up against the cold wind for the walk . Well , the church was about 80 bazillion degrees with the people moving about in two small rooms and I had the hot coffee that felt so nice when we were outside . As I leaned over to sign my name on the ballot registration sheet , I could feel two drips of sweat course down my back . To make things more interesting , Lucy woke up the moment we stepped into line . Even though the registration line was short , the line for the booths was considerably longer . And there were no extra pens to be had in the entirety of Fremont in order to take the ballot even into the church and fill it out in a pew , so I waited dutifully for a booth with a pens attached . Bounce , bounce , bounce , " Shhhhhhhhh , it 's ok , Lucy " bounce bounce bounce . Sweat running down my neck . Bounce , bounce . Sing Twinkle Twinkle under my breath to Lucy , wipe sweat from my temple . God , why won 't someone let me go in front of them ? Finally a guy came in and announced to the huge crowd of people waiting for a booth " There are more booths in the room around the corner " in a duh ! - you - didn 't - know - already ? sort of tone . I rushed to the other room , and lo and behold ! A booth ! For me ! By this time , Lucy 's fussing and wanting to get out of the Moby . Ugh . Bounce , bouncePosted by We dealt with a major fussypants last night as we wrapped up a super busy weekend . Our costumes for the party Friday night ended up being only a little bit lame . Lucy was the cutest little pun ' kin you ever did see , and the Bubba and I were mommy and daddy pumpkins . Cute enough for the last minute . Then Saturday we went to a baby shower for some friends that are due at the beginning of December . Maggie throws a mean party , yo . And I left with a bunch of loot - who knew I was such a genius at the Price is Right - Baby Items ? Ok , well , I guess I DID just go through buying or wanting to buy all kinds of baby crap in the past few months . . . Eliana tickling " Baby Woocie " Back at home we were all trying to recover from a late - ish night and a busy morning , and my Bubba turned to me and said " Thanks for making us such nice friends . " This struck me as super funny . Partially because it 's silly , and partially because it 's true . The Bubba 's not really an outgoing person . Don 't get me wrong , he 's a great conversationalist and is funny and fun . He 's just not assertive and won 't go out and meet people . While I on the other hand , well , I walk up to people hand extended and say " Hi , I 'm Lizzie , I 'd like to know you . " ( Much to the everlasting embarrassment of the Bubba ) But we do have nice friends and I love it . Even last summer , this wasn 't the case . We see a great group of guys from the Bubba 's work intermittently , but they 're mostly single or married without kids and you know that once you have a wife and a kid , those relationships kind of change . Especially when all of your conversation topics include eating and sleeping patterns and new skill developments in infants . . . One of the things I really love about this our group now is that we all really enjoy each others ' kids . Each baby is passed from one person to the next and everybody takes turns holding the little babies and playing with the toddlers . We 're all in the same stage of families , one or two babies , same general age group . And you know that the fact that we 're all battling sPosted by
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Today is a pretty big day for me . You see , all my life I 've had this hair . This curly , frizzy somewhat unmanagable mop on my head . Thanks to new products and hair technology , it 's become more managable over the years but that takes a considerable amount of time and effort . I 'm going to confess something here . When I say " considerable , " I mean roughly an hour to an hour and a half of hair fixing every other day . I have a pool in my backyard that I rarely allow myself to swim in unless I was already planning to do my hair that day . Do you know the prision I 'm living in ? I feel a little vain spending all of that time on my hair , but life has really left me no other options . See for yourself : This first look can only be pulled off between the ages of 2 - 3 . I was kind of working the look . Thank God it was the 80s . Here I am a few years later , sporting the same do while opening my Barbie Pony , Dallas , on my birthday . I consider this my first of many awkward stages . It 's a little Farrah Fawcett in the front , Chuck Norris in the back ( he used to have a mullet , if you 'll remember ) . Throughout my developmental years , we really tried everything . This was an early attempt at straightening , and it looks like some hot rollers may have also been involve . Not too bad . It helps that my cousin Casey is wearing that hat , which is most likely what I was thinking when this picture was taken . And then , in a moment of revelation , we thought that cutting my hair short would solve all of our problems . That didn 't work out very well either . But today , I 'm breaking the chains of oppression , one strand at a time . Today , I 'm getting a Brazilian Blowout . This will allow me to get out of the shower , wave a blow dryer over my hair and leave the house with the sleek , straight hair I work so hard for right now . I repeat , actually get ready and leave the house in about 30 minutes . Ty and I aren 't sure yet just how drastically this is going to change our lives , but we 're both very excited . After I made my appointment , Ty embraced me and said , " I 'm really , really happy for you " with 100 percent sincerity . LJ said , " What are you going to do with all your spare time ? Sleep ? Read ? Cook ? Learn to shoot a pistol ? Hell you 'll have time for it all . " A little over a year ago , I started to become good friends with this girl at church named Jenny . Jenny wasn 't a complete stranger to me when they started coming to church . She and my sister - in - law Ashley had gone to high school together , and I 'd met Jenny before at a few of Ashley 's wedding events . This is Jenny . Ty thinks we look like we could be sisters . Neither of us are really sure what compelled us to hold hands while we listened to Ty sing at the reception . I guess that 's what you do with your " church soulmate , " as we call each other . But this picture really does perfectly capture our friendship . Jenny is one of those friends that I know God divinely placed in my life , hence the soulmate thing . A few months after our friendship began to develop , Jenny suddenly and unexpectedly lost her mom . I never had the opportunity to meet Mrs . Norma , but she was Jenny 's best friend , and from everything I hear , she was an incredible woman . I never really knew what to tell Jenny since I never had the mother - daughter relationship that she shared with her mother . And although my experience is the opposite of Jenny 's , I could relate to the void she felt . I get glimpses of the person Mrs . Norma was every time I 'm around Jenny . I see that she was an wonderful mom through watching Jenny with her own children . I tell Jenny all the time that she 's my model for how Ty and I will raise our children ! I see her in Jenny 's smile and facial features - - Mrs . Norma looked just like Jenny when she was her age . Jenny is strong and creative and caring . She 's thoughtful and giving , and she never shies away despite how raw life can leave you sometimes . In all that Jenny has experienced over the past year , I 'm glad she opened up and let new people , like me , into her life . I would have hated to miss out on such an amazing friendship . . . not to mention , my church soulmate . Posted by WARNING : I 'm about to inundate you with a series of wedding photos , so if you 're not into that sort of thing you may want to check back in tomorrow . . . . or the next day since this post will not include any reception photos and I 'd like to share some of those , too . We got our wedding photos in about two weeks ago . Our amazing , talented , pregnant and hard working photographer Melissa Breedlove sent them to us in a care package , which included a bible with Jordan Family stamped on the front , a blanket and a sweet note from Melissa . I then popped the DVD slideshow she created into our player and spent the next 20 - something minutes wiping tears from my eyes so I could actually see the pictures as the slideshow played . Our goal was a Southern chic wedding , and I think with a little vision and much , much work we pulled it off . I couldn 't do the big church doors swinging open and the trumpet blasting " Trumpet Voluntary " while everyone rose to their feet . I 'm jealous of girls who make this look easy . I could name a few dozen . So , Ty and I decided we would have a more laid back outdoor wedding with all the same elements of a big church wedding . And we decided to have a moment together before the wedding to calm our nerves . And by our nerves , I mean mine . I walked out first and waited for Ty . Even though I was completely alone , with no one watching , this was the most nervous I felt all day . I was glad we knocked this first sighting out because I would have passed out or puked if I had to do this in front of 300 people . Then Ty came out . And then we got to take a deep breath , relax and enjoy each other for a few minutes . " So , how was your day ? " is one of the first things I said to him . Old habit . Then we took roughly a thousand pictures before guests started to arrive . And roughly 950 of them turned out to be absolute perfection . I attribute the 50 not so great ones to " my bad side . " I love this picture . My brother Chris is really cracking up about something . These guys are so handsome . I don 't think the guys liked picture time very much , but they 're very good at it when they 're not even trying . Look at me and LJ rocking the skinny arm . It 's all about creating optical illusions . It looks like Sarah and I are just now seeing each other for the first time when in actuality we 'd been hanging out all day . Don 't you love friends like that ? After the ceremony , we all gathered in the back hallway of the Country Store ( where the ceremony was held ) and did lots of hugging , laughing and high - fiving . These are some of my favorite moments from from the day . We have the most incredible group of friends . And I love , love , love this picture . This is Ty 's sister and mom , Mandy and Margaret , and I think they 're identical . They even laugh alike . The First Definition of the Word " Amazing " When I look at this picture , I find a few things to be amazing . First , that Ty can so easily transition into costume when asked to be the live entertainment at a " White Trash Bash . " Second , that all of the components of this outfit already existed in his wardrobe ( the eagle necklace was purchased on the beach in Cabo after three days of price negotiations ) . Third , that I think he looks pretty cute . . . all things considered . The Second Definition of the Word " Amazing " I can sum this definition up pretty quickly - - my Aunt Robbie . I took off work early Friday to go to Elm Grove Middle School for my Aunt Robbie 's retirement party . Robbie has been at Elm Grove since she started teaching and recently retired from her position as assistant principal . She 's been a treasure to the Bossier school system . She has the heart of a servant , which has been evident in my life many , many times . On my wedding day , I remember telling her that I didn 't know how she managed to just make everything happen so seamlessly . I don 't worry about things when Robbie 's around , and she 's always taken the best care of me . I couldn 't have a better aunt , and I hope she enjoys retired life . I see lots of trips to Northwest Arkansas and many rounds of golf on the horizon ! When Ty and I originally started to consider wedding dates , I thought October would be perfect . The weather would be cooler , leaves would be falling , it would be magical because fall is my favorite . But I must have been experiencing a major brain hemorrhage to ever consider October . For some reason , as fall rolls around and I pull out my sweatpants and start researching pumpkin recipes , this deep nostalgia emerges within me , and I completely repress the memory that October 's step - cousin Ragweed kicks my butt each year . Yesterday , my butt was kicked . I went to the doctor , had some stuff sprayed up my nose to open my sinuses , got a shot of celestone to boost my body into recovery mode , filled two prescriptions of Nasonex and Augmentin and passed out on the couch for the rest of the day . Then , I felt I should do something productive for my husband , so I made roast spaghetti out of our leftovers . I don 't really consider this cooking since the roast was made earlier this week , but it 's a great way to create something new from your leftovers or even a great dish to make from scratch . And perfect for a sick day considering I only had to muster the strength to break apart the roast and stir it with some spaghetti sauce . The roast gives the sauce a nice , rich flavor that you typically don 't get from ground beef . This would even be good piled onto a piece of buttery Texas toast . Roast Spaghetti Cook your roast however you prefer . Lauren and I each slow cook ours in the crock pot with a little bit of water and two packets of onion soup mix , which makes it super tender and easy to tear apart . Once the roast is cooked , combine with a large jar of spaghetti sauce ( pick out whatever sauce you prefer ) . Pour in a cup to a cup and a half of the broth from the crock pot to give the sauce a rich flavor . Let it simmer for about 30 to 45 minutes and serve over pasta . Penne is preferred , but whatever 's in your pantry will suffice . This recipe freezes really well , and is easy to prepare when you 're sick but still want to feel useful ! A special thanks to the blog readers who 've waited so patiently for this broccoli cheese soup recipe . I first had this soup about two years ago at 2439 Fairfield " A Bed and Breakfast " ( pictured above ) . This is a great place to host a small baby shower or luncheon , and their cookbook is filled with wonderful local recipes . If you want one of your own , they 're $ 18 and can be purchased by e - mailing 2439fair @ bellsouth . net . Add salt if needed . This freezes really well , so make a pot and put away for winter ! I imagine Ty and us enjoying this with the fireplace roaring , sweatpants on and cozied up on the couch . Let me go ahead and apologize to everyone who wants the broccoli and cheese soup recipe . I was halfway to work this morning when I realized I 'd forgotten the cookbook at home . I thought about turning around , but there was no time . So I swear to post it on Monday , and in the meantime , I beg your forgiveness . So , as I mentioned yesterday , Ty got home last night from a six - night stay in North Dakota . I didn 't actually realize anyone vacationed in the Dakotas , but who was I to argue . He and four other guys went up there to hunt various forms of wildlife . Ty being out of town conjures up the following emotion in me : A constant state of panic that someone is going to break into my house while I 'm there . I 'm no Macaulay Culkin . I don 't have cardboard cutouts to dance in the windows , marbles to put at the base of the stairs or a paint can to swing off the upstairs banister . By those standards , I 'm defenseless . I hate being home alone , which is a strange new twist in my life considering I lived alone for many years and loved it . But we 're in a new house now . . . with lots of doors that I lie in bed and wonder if I 've actually locked . I did things this week that I never do . I stayed up past 10 : 30 . I let the dogs sleep in the bed . With all this being said , I was thrilled to see Ty walk in the door last night . I was thrilled to have him sleeping next to me . And I was thrilled to get the best night 's sleep I 've had in about a week . After reading " New Moon " on our honeymoon , I needed a break from the " Twilight " drama . Is it just me or is Bella the most obnoxious literary character of all time ? Can we say co - dependant much ? I know a lot of people love these books , but I really don 't know how I 'll make it through the next two books in the series . I needed a break from it all , and so I thought a nice diversion would be Chelsea Handler 's first book , " Are You There , Vodka ? It 's Me , Chelsea . " I 've had the book for a while , but I 've been unable to read it in light of the breaking news that she and 50 Cent are dating . He 's gross , right ? But , I really like Chelsea and thought she could offer up a few laughs . Let me summarize and tell you everything you need to know about this book in one short sentence - - It 's the funniest thing I 've ever read . Ever . And considering I won a reading contest in 1st grade for reading 200 - plus books in a matter of weeks , you should trust my opinion on this . I 've read a lot . So , every night this week , I 've gotten in bed and literally laughed out loud at Chelsea 's stories . Here 's a great excerpt to wet your appetite : I turned around and spotted Jason Safirstein . Jason was an adorable fifth grade with an amazing lower body who lived down the street from me . I had never walked to school , had a conversation with , or even so much as made eye contact with Jason before . After lifting up one of my earmuffs to make sure I had heard him correctly , I nervously attempted to release my wedgie while waiting for him to catch up . ( A futile effort , as it turned out , when wearing two mittens the size of car batteries . ) " I heard you were going to be in a movie with Goldie Hawn , " he said to me , out of breath . Shit . I had worried something like this was going to happen . The day before , I had forgotten my language arts homework , and when the teacher singled me out in front of the entire class to find out where it was , I told her that I had been in three straight nights of meeting with Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell , negotiating my contract to play Goldie Hawn 's daughter in the sequel to Private Benjamin . Ty 's been out of town for nearly a full week ( he gets back from North Dakota today ! ) , but in the meantime , Chelsea has been great company . Our husbands had been out of town three days when Lauren text me , " How much have you baked this weekend ? " She knows me too well . When Ty goes hunting , I bake and then deliver the goodies to all my friends . It 's my latest diet plan . If you fatten up everyone around you , you 'll inevitably look skinner . And it 's much easier than really dieting . I was proud to tell Lauren that I hadn 't resulted to baking just yet , but I had done several other domestic projects over the course of the weekend : A few years ago , my sister - in - law had her bridesmaid 's luncheon at the same bed and breakfast where mine was held . At her luncheon , they served this amazing broccoli and cheese soup , and ever since I 've had those cheesy broccoli florets dancing in my head . At my luncheon , I was given the bed and breakfast 's cookbook with the broccoli cheese soup recipe in it . So , Friday night I ran to the grocery store to get my ingredients , along with a bottle of Pinot Grigio , and I got to cooking . The soup is delicious , but you can 't eat very much because it 's so rich and creamy , probably due to the six cups of half and half the recipe calls for . I ate half a bowl and put the rest in the freezer for the winter . Saturday Morning : Furniture Refinishing Class Saturday morning , I went to my good friend Jenny 's house for a furniture refinishing class . Stacey Hess , a longtime friend of Jenny and my sister - in - law , taught herself how to make frames and refinish furniture and now she 's passing on her gift to others . I found the ugliest piece of Ty 's old furniture , which had been exiled to the garage since our move and took it to the class to see what could be made of it . I think it turned out to be pretty cute , and I 'm now using it as my nightstand . Now that I 'm done with wedding planning , I can shift my focus to our home , and I 'm starting with the living room . In a few days , I 'll upload an overview shot of our living room . It 's the best room in the house because of the tall pitched roof and exposed wood beams . But this weekend , I focused on shelving . There 's still miles to go , but I thought this was a good start . I like to keep things pretty neutral with small pops of color . The initial plate was given to us as a wedding gifts and is one of my favorite pieces . It 's from Kelly Wilson Antiques in Dallas . Kelly takes antique pieces of china and adds your initial through decoupage . It 's so unique . I think her plates would make amazing Christmas gifts . More house updates to come since apparently that 's all I do these days ! In recent years , I 've been forced to come to terms with the Speedo . I 'm pretty sure about 50 percent of my husband 's adolescent life was spent wearing one . And sometimes when he 's feeling particularly nostalgic , he 'll clean the pool wearing one . You have to pick your battles . So , while we were away , Speedo spotting became a game of ours . There are so many lovely sights in Cabo , however these are not some of them . I snapped this picture while washing the sand off my feet . I feel bad because the lady was scratching her armpit . . . AND her " dad " was wearing a Speedo . Tough break . This picture was a challenge to take , but it seems I managed to fly under everyone 's radar . Notice the speedo to the right . I could have gotten a better picture while he was in line for carne asada with a massive swimsuit wedgie , but my camera was a little slow and we were about to eat . I 'm a former journalist turned marketer of concrete . I still type a lot . Other than that , I 'm married to an oilman , the owner of a mini - schnauzer named Baxter and a lab named Lacy , chef to anyone with an appetite and a connoisseur of $ 10 wines .
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reading : Deuteronomy ! But I 'm almost done 1 - 2 more days and I 'll be done I think ! Read Deuteronomy 28 where Moses lists out the curses for disobedience . Y ' all it was bad . It for sure would make me want to obey … Well maybe . I probably would be exactly like the Israelite 's . Because how often do I disobey God now … watching : Um … The shows I 'm keeping up with - NCIS , The Bachelor ( I think Vanessa wins , and there have been some awesome moments that have made for good TV this season ) , This is us ( although I don 't actually like this show , but it is written well and makes me want to come back and see what happens to the characters . Mainly to see how and when Jack dies , I think it 's getting close ) loving : chocolate ( duh ) , chips or fries as well . Basically all things unhealthy . But I 've also loved the salads I 've had recently … Things not food related - # thenext100days reading scripture , journaling about it , and praying planning : The youth retreat next weekend , the youth event next month , my trip to cali soon , maybe a trip to Washington in April , Sunday school lessons , the list goes on … I have anywhere from 3 - 6 meetings this week that will involve lots of planning as well … Going to try to make the verse about we plan but God directs our steps in mind during all this planning . Posted in currently , God working , I Like . . . Tagged Busy , chocolate , God , journal , life , Pray , the bachelor , The Next 100 days , work Currently … Avoiding Everything I 'm Supposed To Be Doing reading : Exodus ! Doing a 100 day challenge where we started in Genesis and are seeing how far we can get in the bible by reading and journaling about it everyday . I did read the new Stephanie Plum novel , and the Jack Reacher novel that the newest movie is based on over thanksgiving break . Those were so good ! watching : My kids ? ? ? Does that count ? ? I haven 't had time for much tv recently . I did catch up on NCIS last off days … I may be behind again though … I want to start watching This Is Us , but again no time eating : Lot 's of junk … We 've had 3 parties in 3 days . . Two Christmas , and a birthday … Lots of sweets , lots of candy and soda , the boys had pizzookie tonight and will have it the next two nights ( so many birthdays ) … Nothing good researching : nothing … I don 't have time to research lol … I googled how much an iPod shuffle was for one of my boys . . And the other day I looked up the elephant sanctuaries in Thailand where you can go and hang out with elephants sign me up ! thinking : of my to - do list and how long it is … But let 's just avoid it some more with this blog : ) … Really I just needed a little me time . listening to : The sound of my fan … I should have turned on Christmas music while I was doing this … . Also I just finished this sermon series on my runs last week , it 's really good and I think something we all need to hear , so check it out ! Hello there ! For those of you who don 't know I 'm Juliann . I grew up in California , went to college in Oregon and 6 years ago packed up and moved to Texas . I 've built a life here with good friends , who I now consider family , and a dream job I didn 't even know how to dream up ! A few more specifics about me - I have a dog . She 's an all white Siberian husky . And she 's pretty spoiled . Although She 's almost gone up for sale a few times for destroying my things , I wouldn 't trade her for anything . My goals for the month are simple . 1 . Start running again and be able to run 1 . 5 miles easily . And 2 . Participate in at least half of the blogtember prompts . I 've heard it said that the Lord uses your kids to teach you about Himself . I 've always believed it just because people I 've been close to have said it . But now I can believe it because it happened to me the other night . I 've kind of been in a funk with my relationship with the Lord lately and not been spending much time with him . As a result I 've been down in the dumps , discontent , and really negative . A few days ago I reached bottom I guess you can say . I knew the Lord was patiently pursuing me , and waiting for me to repent , surrender and turn back to Him . And I couldn 't figure out why I wasn 't turning back to Him . So of course I asked the Lord for help . To show me where my sin was , so I could turn away from it . And like always , He did , but He used one of my kids to do it . On Saturday while one of my kids was in the midst of a fit they screamed " You guys don 't love me because you don 't let me do what I want , I never get to do what I want , You let all the others do whatever they want but I always get no answers ! " My first thought was " I hate the devil . " I was thinking that because this kid , like so many in this generation , has a distorted view of love . They think that love is getting whatever they want regardless of their behavior . The devil just keeps on spinning that lie . As I was thinking about that the Lord just knocked me to my knees . He brought me to the realization that I was acting toward Him just like my kid was acting toward me . I was mad at the Him because He wasn 't giving me the yes answer I wanted . And I threw a fit just like my kid . I stopped spending time with Him and started trying to fill the place in my heart that only He can fill with human things . I was exchanging the creator for the creation . Which only led to heartache and pain , which caused more anger at the Lord , just like the consequences my kid earned made her more mad at me . I asked a friend the other day what my next blog post should be about . I ask this question to a lot of friends because I lack inspiration these days . The response I got this time was different from any other one before . This friend didn 't know I blogged and they didn 't know what I blogged about . So the topics they chose were all informational learning blogs … Which is not me at all . I don 't think I could write an informational learning post to save my life … Unless it 's about movie quotes just go to the category archive and click on movie quotes . Or ask my brother about our movie quote wars . Anywho all that to say it got me thinking about why I blog . In the last four years or so of having my blog it has morphed a couple of times . I started it to keep people from Oregon and California updated on my life in Texas , the posts were few and far between with updates about life . Then I got into a blogging groove . I was blogging 3 - 5 times a week about I don 't even know what . Then in the last two years I 've gone back to few and far between posts . Reason why ? I struggle to use my voice . I didn 't realize I had a voice until my advanced writing course in college . The conversation went something like this " But I don 't have a voice so I can 't write it out , " - me " Just write it out , " - my professor " But I don 't have a voice , " - me " Just write it out . " - my professor . Then that evening in my room staring at a blank word document the light bulb clicked . I had a voice , I was using it to tell her I didn 't have a voice , so I could use it to just write it out . There began my journey to learning how to use my voice . But that 's just what it is … a journey … One that I 'm still very far from the destination . Some days I 'm better than others . So how does this relate to my blog ? Well the year I was in my blogging groove ? I wasn 't struggling to use my voice . I was doing really well . Then I let my insecurities take back over and I fell . I stopped using voice in real life and then it filtered in to my blog as well . But I 'm tired of letting the fears and insecurities win . Because in reality they 've already lost thanks to Jesus ' death on the cross . So here is to a new year learning to use my voice and living in the victory of the cross . I 'm finding it very hard this year to have any Christmas spirit . I really don 't have any … Which is very rare for me . I know it 's terrible … Especially with it being the most wonderful time of the year and all … I 've tried to get my Christmas spirit back . I 've listened to Christmas music . I 've watched several cheesy Christmas movies … And nothing . I haven 't even watched Elf , or Chevy Chases Christmas Vacation … And those are my two absolute favorite Christmas movies . I 'm not quite sure why I don 't have any Christmas spirit this year . . But I think it 's because work has been really rough this past month . Our kids have been struggling big time . More than last year at this time in my opinion . The holidays are hard for them . Which doesn 't excuse behavior but it does change how we correct it . It does change how we sympathize . It does change our level of exhaustion at the end of the day . Which in turn kinda makes us long for the holidays to be over . So if you think about it in the next few days . Say a few prayers for our kids and their hearts during this time . And for us as Teaching Parents to continue to love on and support these precious children during this difficult time for them . And that we would all remember that Jesus is the reason for the season . And He is our hope ! Awhile ago as I was driving home one night a song came on the radio and the Lord used it to knock my socks off . The chorus came on and I was bawling in the car and praising Jesus . I couldn 't not sing at the top of my lungs to Jesus while the tears streamed down my face . It was a moment that Jesus met me in the car . The back story ? I had been very bitter and angry for a good couple months . I refused to forgive and was having my own pity party . I finally realized the only person this pity party of un - forgiveness was hurting was myself . So I started to forgive , and live in that forgiveness a few weeks before this night in the car . Not by my own strength by any means , but with God 's help I was working on it , and choosing every day to live in forgiveness . Because of this I started sensing all sorts of spiritual warfare . The enemy was throwing lots and lots of arrows at me . Through that I started to worry and stress about things that looking back really didn 't matter . All of a sudden , as this song chorus was playing and I was singing at the top of my lungs with tears rolling down my face , the worries and stress just melted away . My God is the one who conquers giants , this worry of mine doesn 't come close to a giant so He has it covered , I don 't need to worry . My God is the one who shuts the mouths of lions , my stress is not as big as a lion so He has it taken care of , I don 't need to stress . So most of you know I took a trip to Portland a couple of weeks ago . I started thinking about it over the summer , and had been talking to friends there about it . I found cheap tickets and decided to just do it . If y ' all remember when I posted last year about my trip to P - town for Katie 's wedding you remember that the Lord started redeeming the place for me . So much of what I have to say about this trip revolves around that same work . You see the Lord continued that redeeming work this trip . So much so that if you saw my last picture from the trip on instagram I hashtagged " if your weather was better I might move back . " Before this these last two trips that was not something I would ever dream to think about again . Even if I knew the Lord was calling me back there , before these two trips I probably would not have listened . This trip was so good for my soul . It wasn 't that we went out here or there , did this or that , because we didn 't do much . I was simply content to just sit with my friends and talk , and have deep conversations about life , the Lord , and whatever else . And those conversations and time were what was good for my soul . Most of you know I 'm not the biggest talker on the block . I prefer to let other people do the talking and interject little bits and pieces . There are times when I can talk a lot , but that 's not the norm . So yes it may seem a little weird that a trip where the bulk of the time was spent having conversations was a good time for me . But let me explain … So the entire 3 years I lived in Portland , I was plagued with insecurities , and believed so many lies from the enemy . These insecurities and lies I was believing affected ( effected ? I . d . k . the right one to use ) the way I viewed my friendships there . So much so that when I moved away it still changed the way I viewed the friendships . But these last 4 years in Texas have been a time of major growth for me in moving past my insecurities , and in not believing the same lies from the enemy . Not that I don 't still have insecurities , and don 't still believe lies from the enemy at times . But I have grown a ton . And so when the Lord started redeeming Portland for me last year I was able to see the truth about the friendships that I had there . That they were real , that they were deep , and they were good . So when it came to this trip the Lord completely blew me away with the truth . And so just sitting around talking and having deep conversations was good . I didn 't need an event or activity to help take up some of the time , or be a buffer when hanging out with friends . I could just sit , relax , and enjoy talking with friends . I got to share about my life here in Texas , and about my work , and I got to hear about their lives in Portland , how they 've changed since I lived there , about their new jobs , whatever . This haircut is a long time coming . I think when I first decided to cut my hair short I knew deep down I wanted to go real short like this . But I was a little too scared to do it . My best friend had shown me lots of cute pictures of super short hair that she thought would look good on me . But I wasn 't having it at that time . So we found longer short hairstyles . I did my first cut twice and then found another style a little shorter and still cute and did that one twice as well . But I was pretty bored with it . Because with all four of those cuts I think I lasted a month tops of actually blow dry and straightening it . After that month I would just wash it and put some moose in to help the curls not be frizzy and call it good . It looked the same all the time and it was just plain boring . So in February I started thinking about getting my haircut again and I knew I needed a different style . So I of course turned to google images and started looking for shorter styles . I found some I loved and some I kind of liked . The ones I loved were way shorter than I had at the time . But I was afraid to get them . The ones I kind of liked were a little shorter than what I had but not by much . I sent the pictures to multiple friends to get their opinions and they all went with the longer ones . I then called my best friend and told her I was bored with my hair and wanted something different and way shorter than what I had . And she of course pointed out she had shown me lots of the kind of styles I was talking about wanting way back when and I had dismissed her . But after she gloated a bit we spent a good chunk of time looking for a cute hairstyle . And while I ended up choosing one I had already found , we did find some really cute ones that helped me decide to be brave and actually chop it all off . The day of my haircut finally came and I still didn 't know which one I was going to be choosing . I didn 't know if I could be brave enough to chop it all off or not . It wasn 't until I walked into the salon that I committed to the hairstyle . I told my stylist that I was freaking out because I didn 't know if I could go through with the style I wanted . She laughed at me , looked at the style , and started chopping off my hair . And chop she did ! In the end I 'm so glad I chose to go through with it . I 'm no longer bored with my hair . It hasn 't looked the same two days in a row . It takes anywhere from 7 - 10 minutes to blow dry ( it probably could go quicker but I do it on low - speed ) , I maybe use my straightener for 1 minute to touch up my bangs , and a few side pieces that are stubborn and want to curl up , and then however long I decide to spend putting in product and styling . I love it ! Posted in Cha - Cha - Changes , Hair Tagged haircuts , life , short hair The Timing Of It All I have been a little MIA around this blog lately . It 's not because I didn 't want to blog . I logged in to wordpress most days in the past couple months , and even pressed the " add new post " button most times . I have done my fair share of fluff blog posts , but I never enjoy writing them or even pressing publish on those . So I just decided to not post instead of trying to push one of those out . It really all started back in May I believe ( which I know is more than the last couple months but in looking back this is where it all started ) . I had been in my current job , pretending to be a business woman , for 2 years . And I knew I wanted to get a job full time working with youth and kids . So I started looking for jobs . I found one that was a couple hours away from where I live now ; one that seemed perfect . It was kind of like a youth director position but with the added job description of providing recreational activities too . So it was like a P . E . / Youth Director position . Right up my alley . But I didn 't apply till probably 2 weeks or so after I found the listing . It didn 't say when the listing was posted . But I finally applied and two days later got the notice that they had just hired someone . I was bummed , more than bummed actually . I was crushed . At that point I lost all motivation to find a new job ( after looking once , terrible I know ) . I let that crushed feeling stay . I just decided to quit looking . I was fine in the job I was in and didn 't want to try again . Then came August … I found out my job was ending , due to department restructuring . At that point it was up in the air of when it was actually going to end . So I sort of started looking for a job but not much . As the month drew to a close I started to get a little more serious about it , but still not really caring ( terrible attitude I know ) . September marked my 3 year anniversary of living in Texas . Which I knew would give me the itch to move . I stayed in P - town for 3 years , and then moved . So it seemed like that might be a good idea here too . But as I was praying about finding a job , and moving , I felt the Lord saying to put down some roots , it wasn 't time to move . I ended up applying to work for a different department within the company I was working for , and getting that job , to start on Oct 1st . But even with that I got a little more serious about trying to find a job working with youth and kids full time , in state and out of state ( even though I felt the Lord telling me to stay ) . As I was talking to some people at church about where I was applying they gave some other suggestions of places I could apply . One of the places mentioned by my friends at church was not too far from where I go to church and live now , and had 2 positions open . One called " single teaching parent " and one called " college and career mentor . " The single teaching parent one scared me , but it 's really the one I wanted . But because I was scared I applied for the college and career mentor position . I called two weeks later to check on my application and found out they had already filled that position , but the single teaching parent position was still open and while that one was more involved it was still kind of a similar position . So I told them to transfer my application to that position . It was really the one I wanted but had just been too scared to actually apply for it . So I went to the interview . It was intense . There was 4 people interviewing me , and they grilled me for close to 35 minutes ( which might not seem like very long , but it was my first real interview and that was a long time for me ) . Then they talked about the position a little more in depth and let me ask questions . They said they weren 't sure of their timeline , and whether they could get the training in before the end of the year . A week or so later they emailed me asking for references , and a couple days after that they asked for my information for a background check , and then another few days after that they called me for a 2nd interview with the Executive Director . All good signs , and I was stoked ! Last Thursday was my 2nd interview with the Executive Director , and the head of HR was also in this interview . It was not as intense as the first interview , but still a little intense . The days leading up to the interview my prayer was that if it was where the Lord wanted me He would make it clear to me . And while in the interview He made it clear as day that yes this was where He wanted me . After the interview they asked me to sit in the lobby for a few minutes while they talked . So I went out to the lobby and sat for maybe a minute or so and the head of HR walks out and asks me to go to his office with him . After we got to his office he then offered me the position ! And of course I said yes ! In thinking back I just stand amazed at how the Lord worked , and how His timing is the best . You see I was ready back in May to get a new job , to be working with youth and kids full time , I was ready to up and move when I found a position and leave everything behind here , not because I didn 't like it here ( I do , just read back over the many posts about how much I love Texas ) , or because I didn 't love the people in my life here ( I do very very much ) . I just thought it was time to spread my wings again and move on . But it wasn 't God 's timing . It wasn 't the position He had for me . The position He had for me was here . Close to all the people I know here . I can continue to grow roots , and yet it 's still different enough that it 's like I 'm moving , filling that itch to move on . Because the position is time intensive I won 't see everyone as much as I do now . It 's a different lifestyle . It just blows me away that He would provide a position like this for me , and to orchestrate it in his timing and in His plan . God is so good ! And His timing and plan are perfect ! So why can I share all of this now … . Well I start the training for this new job on November 4th . So while I 've known for a week that I 've had the job I couldn 't post for the world to see until after I put in my two - week notice at my current job . That notice went in this afternoon . So now here I am , sharing my story , and sharing how amazing the Lord and His perfect plan is ! Welcome to my piece of the web ! I 'm a twenty - something former West Coast Girl living in Texas ! I love Jesus , Running , and Having Fun ! I hope you enjoy reading about this beautiful Life the LORD has blessed me with !
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Awesome Neighbors To The Rescue ! Posted on November 15 , 2014 by DMW This post could be about a horrible experience , because it certainly started out that way . But what I am going to focus on now that it 's over ( somewhat at least ) is the good thing that I already knew , but it just reinforced - times ten . Roy ( my husband ) and I have a leaky water main line to our house . We needed to get it fixed before the ground froze and we couldn 't wait until next year because our water bill was suddenly five times what it should have been , and we can 't spend $ 250 + on water we don 't use . Since I really can 't talk on the phone , Roy made tons of calls to potential candidates but few people wanted to do the job , it was too much work for too little money ( I didn 't realize $ 1 , 000 was chump change ) or the people who did want to do it weren 't licensed which made us nervous because this is more than five feet underground with a natural gas line nearby ( and closer to the surface ) so we weren 't okay taking any chances . Roy finally found a guy who agreed to do the digging , the plumbing and put the dirt back for $ 850 . And he had his own company , with rave reviews in a small community , and he was a licensed Master Plumber . Perfect . Originally he scheduled it for 8 : 00am last Tuesday ( the 11th ) . We were worried because there was a major winter storm complete with snow and freezing temperatures that day , so we asked him on Saturday if he could do it before then . We were completely open . He ignored us , and then he didn 't show up until 4 : 00pm on Tuesday . His diggers came out ahead of him , but they were waiting in their car for him to show up for more than four hours . We might not have loved that he was so late , but as long as it got done we really didn 't care . But then he told us that because it was so late ( he had only been here for an hour ) he didn 't want to put the dirt back , and because of the new pipe , he didn 't want to turn the water on . For my husband who was nursing a migraine and me who felt a little ick - we both really needed a shower . But that wasn 't going to happen . We went to Walgreens to get bottled water , and my husband ended up shaving out of a bowl full of bottled water the next morning because he can 't go to work unshaven ( well technically he can , but it isn 't recommended ) . He promised he would show up the next morning by 9 : 00 to turn on the water , check everything and then bury it . Except he didn 't get here until after 11 : 30 , and he did turn the water back on around 2 : 00 , but he didn 't bury it . He promised he would be back no later than 8 : 00 to do just that . He needed to warm up the dirt because it froze overnight ( since he didn 't take care of it Tuesday like he was supposed to ) . So he used our tarp to cover it , and put a space heater in the hole to warm the dirt . He told me to keep an eye on it , so it didn 't catch fire . Not uncomfortable at all ! Me being me , the eternal worrier , checked outside to make sure the tarp wasn 't ablaze every five minutes , and that isn 't an exaggeration . But of course , he didn 't come back . We didn 't hear from him until 2 : 00 the next day . I was pretty upset , Roy was pretty irritated ( which is as close to upset as he gets ) and to make matters worse the plumber sent his digger , who is not a plumber or licensed in any way to check the pipe and bury it . This was not okay with me . I wasn 't worried about the pipe being up to code or functional - I questioned many things about this plumber ( his word , sense of time , professionalism were all high on this list ) but I did not question his abilities . Listening to him talk , is like listening to me talk about good writing or Roy talking about investments - he loved what he did , and he is an expert in the field of plumbing , though again everything else I did question ( and so did Roy ) . But the reason I needed someone who was licensed or knew something about pipes was because I worried if the space heater had done the job . That night it dropped to below zero . It was frigging cold . I wasn 't worried about the job he had done on the pipe ; I was worried about the integrity of his work , more than 24 hours later because of the weather . And this kid ( he was 20 , so I can totally call him that ) by the plumber 's own admission , did not have the experience , hours or licenses to be able to tell for sure . This is the only way he can get the experience the plumber argued , but I said I didn 't have a problem with him doing it , I had a problem with him doing it alone , unsupervised , where the only other person around was me , and quite frankly a gnat probably knows more about plumbing than I do . The plumber refused to come out , and said he wouldn 't be able to make it for at least eight days ! Then he tried to charge us an additional $ 300 for wasting his time , and then he told be the quote was $ 1050 . But I knew better . He told me my husband agreed , but I knew that wasn 't true ( I asked him later anyway , but it was redundant ) because that was more than a quote we got from another licensed professional , and my husband would never sign off on it without talking to me first . He doesn 't have a death wish . The phone call went downhill from there . He started yelling at me when I asked him to repeat himself . I asked him the same question six times , before I could not stand to be screamed at any longer . " I am not trying to be difficult , but I cannot hear well . I am on a listening device , so when I ask you a one - word question , I just need the one - word . Explanations or whatever else you 're saying I get like 40 % of , if you 're talking slowly and clearly . " It was no use . He hung up on me , or we disconnected to give him the benefit of the doubt . His digger , I started calling him his minion after this incident , grabbed the space heater and took off . I ran outside to ask where he was going and he just said another job . His boss had ordered him elsewhere . No further explanation was given . I asked him to leave the space heater and he refused . I didn 't like being worried about fire , but I didn 't want the water line , which was completely exposed to freeze when it was less than thirteen degrees outside . I freaked out and called the plumber back who treated me even worse than he had before . Though this time , I was much more confrontational than I had been before ( because before I hadn 't been at all ) though I didn 't curse , yell , threaten or call names . He blamed my lack of hearing on the " confusion " over the amount owed , when there wasn 't any confusion at all . He really struck a nerve I didn 't think could be struck , because it was really the first time . I mean I have had people assume I am stupid , an airhead , snobby , uninterested or cold because of my deafness ( though usually this is because they don 't actually know that I 'm deaf ) but rarely has anyone tried to pull one over on me because of it . I mean I can think of no more than two or three instances in more than five years . And this is the FIRST time someone has actually blamed what they were doing on my deafness , as though I was defective . My default when I am upset or scared or feeling exposed and vulnerable - is anger . I 'm a redhead , and I have had to overcome a lot of things , so this is my natural reaction . But the nerve he struck didn 't bring out anger , I mean I was pissed off sure , but how I reacted - it just deeply , deeply hurt . I almost never cry , even by myself , but I went to bed and cried . It wasn 't a loud cry or a snotty cry , just a quiet soak the pillow with my tears kind of cry . Angel ( our dog ) went up with me and she licked my cheeks after awhile to give the pillowcase a break . ( When I do cry by myself she is always there to kiss my tears away . ) And me being me , I hate admitting that he got to me or that I cried . Because it is such an irrational response , and I am supposed to be so much stronger than that . But I was really upset . When I think about it now , I 'm not exposed , upset like I was , but I still can 't believe how he talked to me or what he did . Aside from being unprofessional , he was so out of line as a human being . But I digress . I did my cry and took a nap for once ( again I was that upset , I can never just sleep during the day under normal circumstances ) I got back up and went back into " fix it " mode . As soon as the guy took off , before I went up and cried , I contacted anyone local friends we had to see if they knew of or knew anyone else who knew of people who could come over , look at the pipe , and help me figure out the best way to keep it warm . I figured a space heater was an option , if we could get our hands on one , but also wanted to consider options that didn 't scream fire hazard . Friends made calls and had friends make calls while I went to out across - the - street neighbors ' house to see if they knew anyone and to see if they had a space heater . Now I have often bragged about my neighbors , because we love our house , but both Roy and I feel like we hit the lottery with our neighbors , and not just one family , but every house surrounding ours and several other nearby … they 're just the best people ever . You know the kind of people who watch out for you and your house , and surprise you with sweets , shovel your driveway , welcome you to the neighborhood - the way people always wanted neighbors to be . And again , to have one family like that is lucky , but to have several - lottery . So this neighbor , called another neighbor who he thought could be able to let us know if the pipe was all right , and they both came over ( Roy was still at work ) to inspect the hole in our yard and pipe at the bottom of it . And it was freezing at the time . The neighbor who lived a few houses down who the across - the - street neighbor thought to call went back to his house and came back with two things of insulation . He also told me he had a fast , safe and effective way to heat the dirt , and let us borrow a special kind of heater to do just that . Another neighbor dropped off his space heater . In a matter of thirty minutes four different neighbors had stopped by , offered to help , or tried to contact someone else to help . And that 's kind of amazing . Add in that it 's late , dark , everyone one of these families have kids ( many with small children ) , and the fact that it was so flipping cold and it is more than just kind of amazing , it is f * cking amazing . This is what I am choosing to focus on . Just how amazing our neighbors are , and how lucky we are to have them as neighbors . Several of my neighbors asked about the plumber and why he left . I didn 't go into detail because the idea of sharing with a bunch of grown men that some guy made me feel like shit and then made me cry was well … I felt five . I just told them he took off because he had to be elsewhere and we had had a hard time getting him to show up ( complete truth , even if it wasn 't the whole story ) . The plumber did come back today . His minion yelled at me about putting the insulation in , but I bit my tongue and took the high road , which is not my usual style . And when the plumber came by and finished up he acted as if yesterday never transpired . So at least that 's done . Monday I 'll get to deal with it again , when he tries to charge us his bogus amount to find that the card was cancelled yesterday . Hopefully " settling up " with him won 't be as upsetting as this whole process that should have been a day , and instead took a week , was . We want to find some sort of compromise with this guy because his job includes a warranty , which is another reason we went with him , but that warranty isn 't worth his new quote and quite frankly , he needs to give us some sort of discount for putting up with his not showing up , not communicating , going without water when we shouldn 't have , last night when our neighbors had to come to the rescue , and how he treated me . We 're not looking for something crazy like 30 % off , but quite frankly he needs to do something , and the warranty needs to be in writing . Because the thing I question the most is anything that comes out of his mouth . But I digress … Again yay for awesome neighbors ! I think I am going to have to whip them up some cupcakes or something , but in all fairness I was planning on doing that anyway . 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Welcome to just a little bit of Audra 's Insanity . As to be expected , this is a place to share a piece of my mind along with my totally random comments , opinions and thoughts . It 's one of my creative outlets and where I work on my humor . You 'll also find book reviews and information about the latest projects I 'm working on . Always random . Often humorous . Occasionally boring . Come laugh . Feel free to cry . But I hope you always enjoy . I was out socializing and business networking , so I missed the first 20 minutes of The Bachelorette . I reserve the right to come back and blog about that later when I can access the it online . However , I know the most important thing : Lee went home . Rachel makes her statement that the people going are the people she does not see as her husband in case there were any doubts . Will , Bryan and Kenny have their roses . Six of the eight others will get roses and two will go home . Josiah doesn 't think anyone expected him to go home . Josiah also thinks she is sending home all the black guys . Maybe . Maybe not . Anthony also got sent home , so maybe . They tour the city from the canals running through the city . Then , they get in a public hot tub where there 's some drunk naked swarthy Denmarkians . I don 't know if that 's a word , and I 'm not going to look it up . Back to Eric . . . the world 's second biggest amusement park where they whack - a - mole and do bumper cars . There 's also a carousel and Ferris wheel . Over a burger , Rachel wants to know more about him and his past , not just the present . He never experienced love growing up . I honestly tuned out the rest because I 've got other things on my mind . If they ate any of that hamburger , they probably wished they didn 't after the roller coaster . He gets his rose . Moving on to the group date . The group rows a boat Viking style , then learn to fight like Vikings . There 's a wrestling type game with Rachel . Then men pushing each other outside of a ring . After several events , the two fighting for the championship are Kenny and Adam . They duel and instead of getting each other with their wooden swords , their shields get each other in the eyebrow creating a gash . After both men get their Band - aids , Kenny is crowned the winner . Back at the hotel , will tells Eric he normally dates white girls , but is in to Rachel . I 'm thinking about work stuff I still need to do tonight , so everything is blah , blah , blah tonight . Kenny and Matt talk about how Kenny feels he hasn 't been advancing with Rachel as much as he hoped lately . Maybe he 'll get his time as the winner for the day . Kenny thinks the stakes are so much higher because of his daughter . Kenny and Rachel talk . Kenny thinks they can get there , but he doesn 't know if they are there yet . After the two - on - one , he 's insecure with where they are . He wants some reassurance as they get closer to hometowns . Rachel tells him if he 's feeling that way , if she 's 100 % honest , she thinks he ought to go home to be with his daughter . Rachel goes back to the group and tells them that he did send Kenny home to his daughter and that it was a mutual conclusion . Rachel gives the date rose to Peter . I don 't know why . It 's time for Will 's date . We didn 't see it , but his date card said something about Rachel wanting him to be her Sweedy . Their date is in Sweden . They stroll the city and admire the Swedish architecture . Then , a couple that has been married 35 years give a little advice . The most romantic thing they have done is hold hands . She wants more from him . He doesn 't take advantage of their time together . They go back to Copenhagen for dinner . She tries to get him to talk . He talks about mostly dating white women since he grew up in a neighborhood that was white . Rachel grew up in a similar situation , but dated mostly black guys . ( Back at the hotel the discussion is on the same thing . ) The conversation moves on to past relationships before she asks him why there hasn 't been any passion between them so far . He can 't explain it . At any rate , she let 's him go instead of giving him a rose . It 's time for another rose ceremony , even though she has sent two people home since the last one . At the moment , there are 7 men . Peter and Eric have roses . Four more will get a rose while one will go home . I am in Cincinnati this week , and thought I was going to have plans tonight , but haven 't heard from the person I was supposed to meet up with . That 's ok though . I 'm so tired from not sleeping well and having a travel day that I don 't mind . The problem is staying up to blog on The Bachelorette . At the end of the last group date , Kenny pulls Lee outside to confront him about what he told Rachel . That can 't be good . We 'll have to come back to that though . Rachel is talking it up with Bryan out on a boat . He 's talking about things being too good to be true and how they must be a perfect match . He 's not caught up in any drama , only her , so she loves that . Back to the " not dead issue " between Lee and Kenny . Kenny says that Rachel thinks he 's an aggressive person thanks to what Lee tells her . Lee keeps interrupting Kenny . He is the snake Kenny accuses him of being . Kenny is calm , but Lee talks about how violent he is being . Lee is trying to provoke him . Rachel comes back in to all the men ( there were like 12 guys on the date ) . It 's time to give a date rose . It goes to Bryan . I 'm still not seeing what she sees , but more power to her . Or to him . Whatever . Kenny congratulates Bryan , then gives a speech about how Bryan has done it right and not been a snake . Lee says something that gets a bleep to Kenny . He accuses Kenny of threatening him again . Kenny calls Lee names calmly , then walks away . The last date of the week is with Jack . Both are attorneys who are the same age and live in Dallas , but are they too similar to work ? First comes a horse drawn carriage ride , then dance lessons . Jack isn 't much of a dancer . He blames it on watching her the whole time while she was trying to learn the moves . Jack is comfortable and happy when with Rachel . Rachel isn 't sure if there something there even though she thinks there should be . Meanwhile back at the resort . Lee tells Will about what he told Rachel . Lee is trying to pull people over to his side . Will doesn 't want to use the word aggressive and tries to explain the reason why is how black males are perceived . Will explains that Lee using that word feels like a racial thing to Kenny . Jack looks at the camera weird . He bows his head , and looks up with his eyes . He does the same with Rachel . He thinks something is happening quickly . She doesn 't get the romantic feelings though . Jack loves parents , or so he says . He asks about her dad 's sense of humor . Jack thinks he gets her dad , even though he doesn 't actually know him . Rachel asks what they would do back in Dallas together . He just wants to lay in bed and lock the door . Rachel doesn 't much care for that idea . After spending time together , she doesn 't feel like she knows him more . Rachel tells him even if two people have a lot in common , some X factor matters . She picks up the rose . He 's giddy . However , she tells him there 's a romantic connection that 's missing , so she can 't give him the rose . He 's crushed as Rachel walks him out . The next day is rose ceremony day . No cocktail party is needed because she knows what she wants to do . Letting Jack go clears some things up . Iggy doesn 't think he has had enough time , especially after his conflict with Josiah . It 's time to take the show on the road , so it 's off to Oslo , Norway they go . The first one - on - one date is with Bryan . Is there emotional to go along with physical ? They go to the top of an Olympic ski jump to see the best view of Oslo . They are going to repel off the 187 foot ski jump . Rachel thinks it 's symbolic because 187 is murder . ( A legal term ? The producer didn 't get it . ) I could do without the mid - air loud , smoochy kissing on their way down . Once they reach the ground , more kissing . Will and Eric are talking . Eric notices only one of the five one - on - one dates has been with one of the black men . Maybe she 's not interested in " the brothers . " Will says of the men that have been there , they are all different , so she doesn 't think race is an issue . Rachel talks about her sisters over dinner . Her gold glitter eye shadow is too much , by the way . They talk about how they were in high school . He had a four year relationship , blah , blah , blah . He wants her to know where he stands . He 's falling in love with her . He gets the rose . At the hotel , Lee asks the other guys how they think it is going with Bryan when the date card arrives . The date card is something about needing a man that 's good with his hands . It 's a group date for Adam , Dean , Anthony , Peter , Matt , Will , Alex , Eric , and Josiah . So back to the being good with your hands . . . the men are going to play handball which is popular over in Europe . It 's a combination of football , basketball and water polo according to Rachel . A couple of guys , including Will have a little experience , or so they say . The coach thinks they are a bunch of goof offs . Dean wearing his supporter on the outside of his clothes only plays into why the coach must think that . Rachel and her red team wins . Back at the hotel , Kenny Facetimes with his daughter . Kenny gets teary as he tells her how much he misses her . Lee is in the gym lifting weights in his boots . Due to his great performance that day , Rachel takes off Will to talk first . They talk about past hurts . She thinks it 's going well with him since he was vulnerable and open . Alex reads a letter to her . Some other guy had song lyrics embroidered on something for her . Eric has a creepy expression when they talk . Josiah wants to grow old with her and just compliments and compliments her , even when she points out he never asks questions when they are together . The official date card arrives back at the hotel . " Kenny and Lee - Your fate is up in the air . ~ Rachel . " There 's a second card , " Two men , one rose . One stays , one goes . ~ Chris Harrison . " More conversations back on the date . Rachel is into Peter too . Some of these guys are still running together for me . Especially since she 's making out with so many . They take it from the balcony to the hot tub . It gets pretty hot and heavy there . The guys obviously notice he as gone for a while . Rachel follows shortly after to sit with everyone and hand out the date rose . It 's time for Kenny and Lee 's date . I 'm not looking forward to this . When in doubt , send them both him . That 's what I say . Kenny has done some things wrong , but Lee is worse . Rachel wants some clarity on both . They go on a helicopter ride and end up in a beautiful wilderness area . There are waterfalls , a river , and plenty of trees . You know it has to be in middle of nowhere because every two - on - one is so that someone can be left alone out in middle of nowhere . Kenny talks about how he has realized they haven 't moved forward the past couple of weeks . However , he 's not looking for a week - to - week thing . He wants a partner for life and someone to be an example for his daughter . Then , he addresses the Lee situation and how he thinks Lee had to lash out to get attention after he did yell that night . Rachel sees that Kenny is fighting for the relationship . Rachel has a gut feeling he is being sincere . Rachel comes back to take Lee off . Lee starts off tattling on what Kenny said to him and how he acted . Lee tells of some dark side Kenny has , especially when he drinks . Lee doesn 't want to talk about him all the time though . Rachel wanted clarity . What she has gotten is too different stories and exaggerations . She doesn 't know who to believe . She wanted to leave lawyer Rach at home , but she needs to get to the bottom of this . She takes Kenny off again . Rachel thinks she needs to be open and honest with him now . She tells him about how violent and aggressive Lee said he was . He denies it all . In addition to our cut Readers Digest books , we now have cookbooks . Doing patterns for these has been on my to - do list for months . I had to go ahead and get them done and just finished the patterns this weekend , so we have some ready . These are $ 18 each . As usual , as of late , I 'm short on blog content and time , so just sharing a happy little flower post . This hibiscus was a twig of a plant ( literally ) when I planted it , and I stuck it in the pot with something else just to plant it . I thought it froze over the winter , but it 's growing like crazy now in the same pot along with an avocado tree . I thought it froze to the point of death too . Posted by Be transported to 1880s London and meet a talented musician and singer in the new Victorian romance novel from Jennifer Delamere , The Captain 's Daughter . When a series of circumstances beyond her control leave Rosalyn Bernay alone and penniless in London , she chances upon a job backstage at a theater that is presenting the most popular show in London . Meanwhile London holds bitter memories for Nate Moran that he is anxious to escape . But then he meets the beautiful woman who has found a new lease on life in the very place Nate can 't wait to leave behind . Enter to win a copy of The Captain 's Daughter . Five winners will be chosen ! Click the image below to enter to win . The winners will be announced July 10th on the Litfuse blog ! A hand injury during a skirmish in India has forced Nate Moran out of the army until he recovers . Filling his time at a stable of horses for hire in London , he has also spent the past two months working nights as a stagehand , filling in for his injured brother . Although he 's glad he can help his family through a tough time , he is counting the days until he can rejoin his regiment . London holds bitter memories for him that he is anxious to escape . But then he meets the beautiful woman who has found a new lease on life in the very place Nate can 't wait to leave behind . Jennifer Delamere 's debut Victorian romance , An Heiress at Heart , was a 2013 RITA award finalist in the inspirational category . Her follow - up novel , A Lady Most Lovely , received a starred review from Publishers Weekly and the Maggie Award for Excellence from Georgia Romance Writers . Jennifer earned a BA in English from McGill University in Montreal , where she became fluent in French and developed an abiding passion for winter sports . She 's been an editor of nonfiction and educational materials for nearly two decades , and lives in North Carolina with her husband . I 'm not sure if that 's a sign of A ) having too much going on , B ) seriously having memory issues or C ) just not caring . I think the answer is a combination of A and B , and hopefully not D ) all of the above . Good Morning America ( or was it The Today Show ? ) said this morning that multi - tasking as bad for the brain and goodness knows I 'm always multi - tasking . The fact that I can 't remember from this morning may be a bad sign for option B . I flipped between both . I think it was The Today Show . Anyway , we ended last time with Lee and Eric talking smack about each other and Rachel considering taking Eric 's rose back . There 's a bunch of mouthing going on , and while I do think Eric is being a moron , Lee is an even bigger jerk . Lee obnoxiously interrupts Kenny and Rachel even though he had already had time with Rachel . This time Lee gives a sob story about his grandfather who had cancer and carried around this pocket knife for 50 years . He used the knife to carve something in a piece of wood as a gift for her . When Bryan found out that Lee went back for more time , he is annoyed as well . However , it 's Kenny that decides he 's going to steal Rachel back . When we get back from commercial though , it 's Bryan we see talking to her . I don 't see the same in him that Rachel evidently does . ( I 've read spoilers . ) Oh , maybe Kenny wasn 't going to interrupt them . He decides to have a one - on - one conversation with Lee talking about snaking time with Rachel . Lee is rude and tells Kenny to get to the point . Rachel can hear Lee and Kenny getting into it while talking to a guy I have never noticed before . ( Matt , maybe ? ) The guy defends Kenny , and Rachel says , it 's probably because Lee interrupted Kenny . Rachel is over this drama already . She doesn 't want to talk to the cameras anymore . Chris Harrison comes in and tells her he will facilitate whatever she wants to do . He goes out and tells the guys she has had enough time at the party and is ready for the rose ceremony . When she does her little speech , she tells them the night didn 't go like she thought it would go . It was heavy and frustrating , but there were some good conversations . She underestimated how hard it would be . Going home are Bryce , Diggy , and Brady . Of course , all the men thought there were some bad choices made . At the final toast of the night , Rachel proposes they leave all the drama behind them . Rachel and Dean take off in a Jeep , driving down the roads and through lots of trees with Spanish moss that is neither Spanish nor moss . It 's a member of the pineapple family . Sorry . That stuck with me from the tour guides on my own trip to the area . They go to a nearby town and pull out into field . As they sit sipping their beverages , the Goodyear blimp lands to pick them up for a ride . She 's always had a fascination with blimps . He 's scared of heights . Oh , and he also gets motion sickness . Once they are in the air , Rachel asks to sit in the driver 's seat . She takes the controls . This makes Dean more nervous . He gets over it when they start kissing . That means Jack gets the one - on - one . Lee lays on the pressure and says things like , " There 's no shame in going home on a one - on - one date . " He 's just obnoxious . Back to Dean . She needs to see if something is there , and if he is ready for this since he is younger than she is ( something the guys were talking about earlier ) . At dinner , they talk about family . Her parents are together and had a strict church upbringing . He talks about what his family did together . At 9 years old , his mom was diagnosed with breast cancer . She fought and beat it until he is 14 when the cancer reoccurred . She died and with his older siblings out of the house and dad gone a lot of the time , he was by himself quite a bit between 15 - 18 . He looks forward to being a father and wants a close knit family . It 's emotional . She tries not to cry so he won 't cry more . He met her high expectations for the day , so she presents him with the date rose . Of course , the date isn 't over . They have a concert in the streets to go to . Who is Russell Dickerson ? I have no idea . Since I am multi - tasking and running behind , I fast forwarded through the dancing and kissing during the concert . It 's always the same scene . This is her largest group date and she 's a little concerned about last time 's drama . They start off with a little dance contest . Some limbo . . . The most fit guys have taken their shirts off . The scrawnier ( white guys ) still have on theirs . The testosterone starts to ooze as they try to one - up each other with push - ups and rapping ( Kenny ) , etc . Peter never should have tried to rap . This portion of the date comes to an end , then they head off to a spelling bee . Josiah thinks he has an awesome vocabulary . I think he has issues creating coherent sentences . Adam isn 't sure if he is going to pass the intellectual test here . Kenny can 't spell champagne , but then again , I spell it wrong most of the time when I type it on this blog . He is out on the first round and had a much harder word than the others . Iggy loses out in the second round . Adam too . Physde is not the same as facade so Eric is out . Same for the others until only Will and Josiah are left . I 'm not much of a speller myself . These words are a challenge . Josiah 's final word is polyamorous which he correctly spells and wins . That night , they all head to cocktail portion . Josiah is drinking out of his big ol ' trophy . Rachel and Peter talk about being barefoot in Wisconsin and if they would move for the right person . She is licensed to practice in Wisconsin . When talking to Eric , we learn that cleaning is a stress reliever for her . He 's back on the great side again after last week . With Iggy , they talk about the other men . Iggy picks Josiah as the guy he throws under the bus since he pulls himself away from the others . Iggy justifies it by saying he is protective of her . When he gets back with the guys , Iggy tells Josiah his name came up in relationship to tension in the house . Last week it was Eric , this week it 's Josiah . More mouthing ensues . Then , Lee does some throwing under the bus in his time with Rachel . He doesn 't like Kenny . He is just a trouble maker , pure and simple . The guys are sitting around later talking about the rose that is up for grabs . Kenny and Rachel talk away from the rest of the men . Kenny is speaking in verse again . He verbally lays it on thick . She brings up what is bothering her . She brings up hearing him yelling with Lee . She said not only did she hear it , she talked with Lee to fill in blanks . Kenny has to defend himself . Rachel isn 't as laid back with Kenny as she was with Lee . Lee has her convinced he is correct . Kenny doesn 't have a chance to not come off bad which is unfortunate . Kenny says that was not how he usually is . Bryan takes Rachel away and leaves Kenny on the bench thinking about how Rachel 's body language said she was taking Lee 's side . Meanwhile , Lee is being a jerk with some guys in the bar . Kenny comes back in and asks to talk to Lee . He takes him outside . All the guys know something is about to go down . Iggy is going to stay out of it until punches are thrown . TO BE CONTINUED . . . Monday and Tuesday night episodes , and the problem with that , I 'm on a business trip . However , there 's a good chance I will just blog from the hotel . Sigh . As a final note , you know I never liked Corinne from last season , but I wouldn 't wish anything bad on her . What they are saying happened on the set of Bachelor in Paradise was terrible . I hope they revamp the show if they bring it back so there is not such a flow of alcohol , and therefore , less chance of bad behavior . That show needs to be cleaned up . With that said , I am relieved I won 't be able to convince myself to blog on it this summer . Thank goodness for that . Audra is a publicist who promotes books and writes about other people for a living . She 's also a hermit who spends way too much time within the walls of her home since her office is just upstairs . When she 's not trying to get you to read a variety of books , she 's probably watching too much reality TV or annoying her Facebook friends with pictures of crochet and other craft projects . You can find Audra on her blog , posting rants about something ( it 's not her neighbors anymore ) and other meaningless nonsense ( www . audrajennings . com ) , or on Facebook , Twitter or Instagram where she never fails to make snarky remark . Check out her craft blog for the creations that she and her dad make ! www . thecraftydadanddaughter . com . View my complete profile In accordance with the new FTC Guidelines for blogging and endorsements , please note that I have not received payment for any of the reviews posted on this blog . I am employed by a publicity company , and do post press releases and blog tours for the books and / or products that we are representing . BUT . . . I 'm not paid to post these on my own blog . I do so by choice . I do post reviews for books that I have been sent review copies of by publishers , and will note that on posts . I also buy books and read and review them for enjoyment too . Have I confused the FTC enough now ? Blog Archive
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Remember the post about Eurovision I wrote a short while ago ? No ? Well , here is a link to it , so you can reread it . Anyway , yesterday a Polish colleague told me he had looked in two different shops over the weekend ( he was in Poland obviously ) , but had failed to find a flag . He will however be going back to Poland soon and will have a look in some other shops . So , basically the Polish flag is in the bag . This morning I got a package in the mail . Containing a flag . Unfortunately an elephant must have sat on it , because the little stick was broken , but a bit of duct tape will soon mend that . And before anybody asks : no the United States of America do no enter the Eurovision Song Contest . But a flag is a flag is a flag and I can always wave it about when I don 't have the flag of the country I should be having a flag of . ( does that still make sense ? ) I am going to do the lazy thing in my post for today . I am lazy today anyway , just hanging around and doing a bit of internetting , reading , knitting . But the lazy thing for my post today is quite simple . I have noticed several new commenters ( welcome by the way ) and they and you long - time followers might actually want to know a bit more about yours truly ! So , instead of me telling what I did today ( not much and not likely too either ) , I am asking you : what would you like to know about me ? Chances are I 've written about it already , but in that case I will put up a link to the corresponding post . And in case I haven 't written about it yet , I will do ! Do your best ! Or worst for that matter . On an other subject ( sort of ) . I tend not to reply to comments made on my blog on my blog . I prefer to do so by email . That way I am able to give a few more details without the whole world knowing . However , several of you have a no - reply address , which means that questions go unanswered . So , if you want to be answered , please change the settings on your whateveryacallit to include a working email address . I promise never to use it for anything other than answering comments and very very very occasionally send an ordinary email . No spam - like things and no ' funny ' emails , since I don 't like to get those either ! As I was telling a story to some people the other day I was told I had been a spoilt girl ! Now , I can see both my parents looking at each other and wondering who they were talking about , since they certainly didn 't spoil me ! The story I was telling was about me in high school . But it started a few years earlier than that . In December 1983 there was a lot of hooha about atomic weapons and atomic bombs and the like . To a sensitive girl like me it was all very disturbing . So , one night that disturbance came to fruition by me having a dream about atomic bombs falling . Fortunately I woke up , but when I fell asleep again , I started dreaming again on the same topic . And then again . Three dreams all about the atomic bomb and the end of the world . That day in school I was tired and felt sick . I kept thinking and thinking about those dreams and when I finally came home to do my homework , someone on the radio said the end of the world was close . I lost it . Com - ple - tely ! I didn 't sleep in my own ( attic ) room ever again and instead bunked with my sister , one floor down . Much safer ! We moved at the end of that week ( completely unrelated of course , we were due to move anyway ) . Fast forward a few years and one day while in religion class our teacher tells us we are going to see a film . Called ' The Day After ' . About the effects of the atomic bomb ! And I didn 't want to see it . I refused to see it . I made such a hooha myself , in the end they phoned my parents and were told that if I didn 't , I didn 't and I didn 't have to ! So , for the next few lessons , while the video was shown , I sat in the cafeteria downstairs waiting for my next class . Was I spoiled ? A few posts ago ( about school and money and things ) I was given a suggestion : write a book and recoup some of my losses . Sound advice of course . Especially since I have always wanted to write a book . But the question is : what would I write about ? Should it be fact or fiction or a mixture of both ? Should I write about all my adventures in foreign and not so foreign lands ? Should I write about the inner workings of the cow that swam the Atlantic ? Should I write about . . . And who would read it ? Of course my parents will get a copy , because they are proud of their dearest oldest daughter . My two siblings might do so too . And some friends . Blog friends . And then who ? Because only selling about ten books would not make me recoup any loss at all . Any ideas anybody ? On the update side of finances : I don 't have to take the course this year and will not have to pay the second installment . However , I won 't be refunded the first installment and it will serve as a downpayment for next year 's course . I can manage that ! I don 't read the paper . Unless it 's lying on a table at work , I don 't read one . So , knowing what goes on in the world means listening to the news on the radio . But sometimes I buy a newspaper . Like when I 'm in it ! ! ! Today I bought one . Because I was in it . A small photo on the front page leading to a two page spread about me and the company I work for ( Tide ) . Here 's the translation of part of the article on page 4 and 5 : About 20 drivers with foreign nationalities work as busdrivers for Tide in Haugaland . A handful of these moved North on their own initiative . Amongst them Mara J ( 42 ) . - I wanted to try something else than the Netherlands and the EU , she says . The busdriver from the Netherlands loves winter and is very interested in biathlon . She had Canada as her first choice but quickly found out that finding a job as a busdriver in Canada was impossible . So she learnt Norwegian . In November last year she moved from her job as a tourbusdriver in Emmeloord in the Netherlands to a job as a public transport driver in Haugesund , Norway . After first finding out the possibilities in Bergen , Norway . Loves it - I came to Haugesund on a Tuesday and the Monday after I started training , the 42 - year old says , who previously also worked in England , France , Italy and former Yugoslavia . And speaks 6 languages fluently [ not quite true , I speak 5 languages fluently and am able to understand basic Italian ] . She quickly found out that the Norwegian learnt in school is completely different from the Haugesund and Karmoy dialects . She needed 3 - 4 months to really get to grips with the language and the routes . She found a place to live in Torvastad and loves her job and private life . Perhaps the 42 - year old has put down roots . - I like it here . The [ my ] social life is better here than in the Netherlands , according to the busdriver . She only knew the union representative on Facebook before moving . Nobody else . Learnt Norwegian first It so happened that another Dutchman started at the same time as Mara . A total of three Dutch and two Germans work for the company . The thing they have in common is the fact that they learnt Norwegian before coming to Norway . Most come with their families . Mara is single . The education system and a society where everybody has equal opportunities is tempting for some . Unemployment and bad economic times in large parts of Europe are another important cause for people to consider Norway . - It was one of my reasons to move too , even if I did have a steady job in the Netherlands before coming over . She realises it 's expensive in Norway . That is compensated by the higher wages though . - I have as much money [ at the end of the month ] as I had in the Netherlands , says the 42 - year old . So , there you have it : another interview with me . Another fifteen minutes of fame ! The article continued about the company and how the company is faring this year ( pluses and minuses etc . ) . I do apologise ! You would think I had mended my ways and it certainly seemed that way , but in the end , I hadn 't . I didn 't visit any of your blogs and I didn 't update my own . I even missed Photo on Sunday ! ! What my world is coming to ? I don 't know ! But do you want to hear about the boring day to day life I lead ? Getting up early , driving to work , working , driving home , feeding myself , watching television , going to bed ? Because that is basically what I have been up to lately . Honestly . Although , honestly ? I have been doing something else as well . I have been knitting as if it 's going out of fashion . Which , by the look of all the magazines and books about knitting here in Norway is not likely to happen any time soon . Yes , I have been knitting socks . And lots of them . Five completed pairs so far ( adult ones ) and one children 's sock , the other one isn 't finished yet . All with the yarn I bought in Sweden or the Swedish yarn I bought in the Netherlands . The Swedish yarn I bought in the Netherlands is actually my favourite to knit with and I thought it would be easy peasy to find it over here ! Not so much . Yes , I can find it , but only in boring colours like blue and yellow and green . And I prefer my sock wool in a variety of colours : three different coloured threads worsted together . Not one after the other ( plentiful here in Norway ) , but at the same time . In the end I resorted to good old internet and after some serious searching I finally found an online thingymebob that now has an order for wool from yours truly . Because I have an order as well : one pair of men 's socks size big . And he is not into purple or pink ( which I still had ) , so new yarn it is : brown and blue and black and grey . Like the second pair from the left . But isn 't that child 's sock adorable ? ? During the summer I was asked whether I wanted to do a course . A course where I would learn all about my job basically . And if I passed said course , I would earn up to 2 euros and hour more ! Payment of the course would be easy : I would pay half , the union would pay half . So far so good . The first evening of the course was during my holiday . As was the second evening . The third evening I missed , because I didn 't realise it was a course night and then finally the fourth evening I made it to class . This week was to be the fifth evening . And I didn 't go . Not because I couldn 't , but because I can 't afford it . The problem is this : I moved to Norway late November last year . Which means I have been a member of the union for 10 months now . And you have to be a member for at least 1 year before any financial aid is forthcoming . Any thoughts about being extra nice to me can be forgotten , since they are already extra nice to members of our particular branch ( usually you have to be a member for at least 3 years ) . Me having been a member of a Dutch union doesn 't help either . That is not the only part of the problem though . The other part is the fact that I don 't get any holiday money , since I only starting earning this year ! Which means that any holiday has to be paid for by me . I was told I had to take three weeks ( which I did ) , but the financial repercussions will have to be carried by me . My landlady has this strange thing about wanting her rent every month . And my body feels that food is quite nice to get once in a while . So , I have asked to do the course next year , when I will be eligible for financial help from the union , will have holiday money and will be more settled than I am now . Today I got an answer to my email and they will take it up on Monday . Hopefully with a result that is good to me ! Otherwise I will need to get a loan from somewhere and that is something I wanted to avoid at all cost this year ! Anyway , as you are undoubtably aware of , I love the Eurovision Song Contest . Don 't talk to me about the Eastern block sticking together , so does the Western block . And the songs ? Of course they are awful , but there are some really nice ones out there too ! The costumes they wear ? Brilliant ! Wouldn 't want to wear them myself really , but then again , I am not a singer performing for the ESC ! As I love the ESC , I thought it would be really nice if I were to be able to join in a bit more . Not just by watching television , but by waving the flags . But for that I need flags . And right now I haven 't got any have only two . Norway and Sweden . But since there are a lot of other countries out there that join in too . . . So , can anybody help me ? Do you have or can you get hold of a flag ? About 20x30cm , attached to a little stick ? Usually found in souvenir shops ? And would you be willing to send it to little old me here in Norway ? If so , why not send me an email ? My email address is on my Me - page ( next to the Home - tab ) . I had vaguely heard of this book and then I saw it in a Swedish bookshop . Feeling that it would be rude not to support a Swedish author , I decided to buy the book ( in English ) . After all it is ' the International Bestselling Sensation ' as it says on the front ! The blurb : Sitting quietly in his room in an old people 's home , Allan Karlsson is waiting for a party he doesn 't want to begin . His one - hundredth birthday party to be precise . The Mayor will be there . The press will be there . But , as it turns out , Allan will not . . . Escaping ( in his slippers ) through his bedroom window , into the flowerbed , Allan makes his getaway . And so begins his picaresque * and unlikely journey involving criminals , several murders , a suitcase full of cash , and incompetent police . As his escapades unfold , Allan 's earlier life is revealed . A life in which - remarkably - he played a key role behind the scenes in some of the momentous events of the twentieth century . My verdict : Honestly ? Well . . . The story flows . You feel for Allan ( after all , he was 100 years old and not allowed to have some vodka ? That 's just not on ! ) and his adventures in the present sound very plausible . He ( Allan ) has a very dry sort of humor and he doesn 't dwell on the bad things too long . As long as there is vodka , he is fine . His past is revealed in detail as well and every bit as fantastic as the present , if not more . The ending was totally unexpected and fitted perfectly to the whole story . He might have been 101 by the end , but nowhere near being finished . So , would I recommend this book ? Eh . . . YES ! It is hilarious . I laughed and chuckled my way through the book , which probably earned me some strange looks at Copenhagen Airport ( where I read part of it ) . I for one am glad to be supporting a Swedish author ! ! * Picaresque : pertaining to , characteristic of , or characterized by a form of prose fiction , originally developed in Spain , in which the adventures of an engagingly roguish hero are described in a series of usually humorous or satiric episodes that often depict , in realistic detail , the everyday life of the common people . I found this sign in a bookshop in Kristianstad , Sweden . And because you have to relax ( especially on a Sunday ) , I thought it would be quite fitting . I don 't know whether you will be able to read it properly though , so I have put the instructions below as well ! You could be forgiven in thinking I am not blogging anymore . Even though I have had a post appearing every day during the last week , they were all pre - posted ! But , I am . Stil blogging that is . I just had so many Sweden posts that I didn 't write about anything else . Mind you , there is not much to write about . It is holiday time this week ( autumn break ) which means no school transport . Which I found out on Tuesday when I arrived at work and realised I was a full two hours early ! ! Hm . . . All the other driving was quite uneventful . Well , apart from the scenery that is . Take away clouds , add mountains , colour the trees in red and orange and yellow , put some more bends in the road and make it narrower . That 's how it looked like here yesterday ! Because not only is it autumn in Sweden , it is also autumn in Norway . And where the first few days back at work were filled with rain , from Thursday the clouds moved away , the temperatures dropped and the scenery is a painting of reds and yellows and still greens . Add to that bright blue skies and it makes for a beautiful painting ! Taking photos while driving is highly discouraged though , so no images of what I see while driving , but take it from me : stunning . I actually thought about it not so long ago . Why I prefer to do in reality a fairly boring job , especially compared to what I had before . After all , I could have done that in the Netherlands . I wouldn 't have had to move , needed to learn a new language , had to make new friends and a new life . And then I look at the scenery over here and know I made the right choice . Hills and mountains with the sun coming up over them . Sheep in the road ( it adds to the beauty you know ) . The view over the sea every single day . Yes , the temperatures are dropping . Yes , the daylight is becoming less every day . And yes , it is expensive ( especially if you just went on holiday to Sweden ) . But , yes , I love it . All of it . And having a sister who asks if I would like her to come over for a weekend ? Makes it even more perfect ! As I am telling you a bit more about my life , I thought I might tell you about the very first time I actually got drunk . Now , I never was much of a ' typical ' teenager . I didn 't go out , I didn 't drink on the sly , I didn 't smoke on the sly . Mostly I stayed in my room playing solitaire when I should have been doing my homework . I had had the odd glass of rosé at Christmas , but that was about the extent of my alcohol intake . My first real job in Yugoslavia changed that . I went out more , either with my few colleagues or with guests and I started drinking a bit more . I was still only 19 and still quite shy ( compared to now anyway ) and I still didn 't drink a lot . And then that night . . . I can 't recall much of that night , but I do remember rum . Lots of it . So much of it that when the night ended , I was violently sick and threw up in the bushes behind the hotel where I lived . And I lost my purse with my money and bankcard ! The official police report So , after only a few hours sleep I made my way to the police station in Pula , the nearest town . Where , with a crippling hangover , I had to tell the officer in charge what had happened . Fortunately not in Yugoslav or whatever language they spoke , but in English . And then again , but in German . I had called my parents in the dead of night telling them I had lost my bankcard ( they were not amused , not about the loss nor about me calling at that unseemly hour ) , so they contacted the bank at a better time to block it . However , I still had a few more months to go in Yugoslavia and I needed some money . So , the bank and the hotel reception and me made a deal . I could still use my cheques to withdraw money from my account . The hotel receptionist would just copy my details of the older cheques ! Geese in the South of Sweden . Many more expected , either to stay for the winter or to move further South . I wonder whether Nils Holgersson was with them ! I know how to knit . I know the difference between knit and purl and I can knit a mean ladder ! Or a paintbrush , elephant , Christmas mouse . I have knitted scarves , sweaters and in my younger ( foolish ) years even pyjamas ! But I had never knitted socks . Because knitting with four needles was aaaaarrrggghhh ! But I wanted to be able to knit socks . I wanted to make my own and not having to depend on my psychic friend Pepperfly to make them . I wanted socks that looked like my paternal grandmother could have made ! However , my paternal grandmother passed away a few years ago , I never asked my aunt who knows how to knit socks and then I moved to Norway . Where they knit in a way that baffles me every time I see it . Mind you , my way of knitting baffles them . Something to do with how we hold needles and yarn . In the end the result is a knitted product though , whatever way you knit . Anyway , while in Sweden we were in one of those shops that sells yarn and needles and stuff . And it turned out that one of my friends knows how to knit socks . So , I got me some needles and yarn and decided there was no time like the present to learn . The first thing to get used to was those awfully short needles . I am used to 40cm needles , one of which will be clamped under my arm at all times . Now I had to get used to five 20cm needles which seemed to be going everywhere ! I lost stitches ( picked them up again ) , swore a lot ( in Dutch , no need to offend my host ) , but I soon started to get some sort of hang of it . It actually started to resemble something . The friend who knew how to knit socks , had to explain every step of the way . First she had to translate from Swedish to Norwegian and then she had to get me to understand what on earth she was on about . I had to do it and I had to write it down , which was a mixture of Dutch and English , so it was a real international affair ! But the end result was . . . a sock ! An actual sock , knitted by yours truly ! Yes , there were some flaws , but that didn 't matter : I had enough yarn to make more socks . And not even a week later , I have a total of three pairs of knitted socks . Ready to replace the pairs my grandmother knitted for me all those years ago . I have a feeling she would be proud ! PS : I had bought some yarn while still living in the Netherlands . Guess where it hails from ! Right : Sweden ! With the pattern on the back of the paper ! ! Written by I had been to Sweden once before . Two years ago the World Jamboree ( scouting ) was held near Kristianstad in the South East of Sweden and me and 24 other Dutch buses made our way over the Bridge from Denmark to Sweden to drop our scouts of and pick them up again a week later . I loved the countryside and it was actually the first time I wondered whether I was making the right move in moving to Canada ( which was still my goal at that time ) . Because it was so beautiful there and I guessed ( correctly ) that Norway would be equally and more beautiful . Well , it 's a bus wouldn 't you know ! So , when I was invited to come to Sweden with my new - found Norwegian friends , I said yes . Even though it would be a stretch financially . Once in a while you have to be a bit reckless after all ! I allocated an amount I could spend according to the other expenditures coming up and on September 25th the five of us flew to Kopenhagen . Which is in Denmark . From there we took a train to Malmö ( Sweden ) , another train to Simrishamn and then the last bus to Kivik . Church in Simrishamn Thursday was a bit of a lazy day . Exploring the small village of Kivik , getting the first round of shopping in , seeing some of the many apples . Friday we headed back by bus to Simrishamn to do more shopping and in my case also sightseeing . The weather was great , the town was quaint and picturesque and I took lots and lots of photos . Kivik is located at the ÖstersundThe sea between Sweden in the North and Germany / Poland in the South Saturday we stayed in Kivik . Saw the unveiling of the tableau ( see last Sunday 's post ) , did more shopping at the market and I took more photos . Sunday was another lazy day , although I did go for a lovely long walk , coming back with some real nice chocolates . Monday was another bustour , this time to Kristianstad . More shopping , more sightseeing , more photos . Tuesday was yet another town : Ystad . A town I loved for its . . . well . . . everything really . The shops , the buildings , everything ! More books , more knick - knacks and more photos . Streetart in Kristianstad Our last full day was another day spent lazying about . I went for a long walk in the afternoon , saw more apples , ate some blackberries , photographed a snail and in the evening I tried to pack my suitcases . We left at ten on Thursday to make our way back to Kopenhagen to catch our direct flight to Haugesund . Normally they would have a bit of a stop in Malmö to get some more shopping done , but this time they decided to do that at the airport . Where I had had enough , grabbed some lunch , plugged my ears and got out my new book about a hundred year old who climbed out of the window . Monastery in Ystad It was a lovely holiday , but I must admit I was glad to be home again . On my own . To rest my brain before going back to work again on Monday . Written by Don 't get me wrong : I love shopping . Put me in a bookstore and pick me up a couple of hours later and you will probably have to search for me and my pile of books . Artsy , knick - knacky shops are great too . But I am not too fond of clothes shopping . Two reasons : I have enough clothes and I need larger clothes which most shops don 't have . And yes , they did sell hats ! So , when I was on holiday with four other women and we were going places , I got bored real soon by going in and out of clothes shops and shoe shops . Especially when it was almost the same shops in every town ! I went ahead , looking at other shops . Bookshops , artsy , knick - knacky shops . I was tempted to buy more copies of Pride and Prejudice ( I think I have four ) , but resisted . I was tempted to buy beautiful artsy things , but resisted . It 's water and bread ( with home - made jam ) for a few months now ! Not always though . I actually had to buy another suitcase to get everything home ! I think I got 8 books , a milk jug and sugar bowl , lovely red coral and silver earrings , two small serving trays and a host of other small things I don 't need ( although books are something a person needs . Always ) . Meeting up with my friends for tea / coffee , lunch / dinnerThis was not one we went to , but I liked the sign The average town does not consist of lots of bookshops ( two if you are lucky in a smallish town ) and artsy , k - k shops . Which meant that my shopping was fairly limited . Which in turn led me to use my camera . On the buildings , on the art , on the surroundings . I walked lots , saw more and in the end came back from my holiday with over 500 photos ! I promise I won 't show all . . . As you know I spent about a week in Sweden . In Kivik on the South East coast of Sweden to be precise . We were there during the apple market or apple festival and saw a lot of apples . Not only growing on the trees that were in and surrounding Kivik , also in the apple orchards around Kivik and even pinned to a large board ! Every year there is an artist who makes a painting with apples . In other words : she / he uses only apples to make a piece of art . This year was no different and the photo above was the art made for this year 's marknade ! I heard a lot of people saying there was something missing though . . .
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Remember the post about Eurovision I wrote a short while ago ? No ? Well , here is a link to it , so you can reread it . Anyway , yesterday a Polish colleague told me he had looked in two different shops over the weekend ( he was in Poland obviously ) , but had failed to find a flag . He will however be going back to Poland soon and will have a look in some other shops . So , basically the Polish flag is in the bag . This morning I got a package in the mail . Containing a flag . Unfortunately an elephant must have sat on it , because the little stick was broken , but a bit of duct tape will soon mend that . And before anybody asks : no the United States of America do no enter the Eurovision Song Contest . But a flag is a flag is a flag and I can always wave it about when I don 't have the flag of the country I should be having a flag of . ( does that still make sense ? ) I am going to do the lazy thing in my post for today . I am lazy today anyway , just hanging around and doing a bit of internetting , reading , knitting . But the lazy thing for my post today is quite simple . I have noticed several new commenters ( welcome by the way ) and they and you long - time followers might actually want to know a bit more about yours truly ! So , instead of me telling what I did today ( not much and not likely too either ) , I am asking you : what would you like to know about me ? Chances are I 've written about it already , but in that case I will put up a link to the corresponding post . And in case I haven 't written about it yet , I will do ! Do your best ! Or worst for that matter . On an other subject ( sort of ) . I tend not to reply to comments made on my blog on my blog . I prefer to do so by email . That way I am able to give a few more details without the whole world knowing . However , several of you have a no - reply address , which means that questions go unanswered . So , if you want to be answered , please change the settings on your whateveryacallit to include a working email address . I promise never to use it for anything other than answering comments and very very very occasionally send an ordinary email . No spam - like things and no ' funny ' emails , since I don 't like to get those either ! As I was telling a story to some people the other day I was told I had been a spoilt girl ! Now , I can see both my parents looking at each other and wondering who they were talking about , since they certainly didn 't spoil me ! The story I was telling was about me in high school . But it started a few years earlier than that . In December 1983 there was a lot of hooha about atomic weapons and atomic bombs and the like . To a sensitive girl like me it was all very disturbing . So , one night that disturbance came to fruition by me having a dream about atomic bombs falling . Fortunately I woke up , but when I fell asleep again , I started dreaming again on the same topic . And then again . Three dreams all about the atomic bomb and the end of the world . That day in school I was tired and felt sick . I kept thinking and thinking about those dreams and when I finally came home to do my homework , someone on the radio said the end of the world was close . I lost it . Com - ple - tely ! I didn 't sleep in my own ( attic ) room ever again and instead bunked with my sister , one floor down . Much safer ! We moved at the end of that week ( completely unrelated of course , we were due to move anyway ) . Fast forward a few years and one day while in religion class our teacher tells us we are going to see a film . Called ' The Day After ' . About the effects of the atomic bomb ! And I didn 't want to see it . I refused to see it . I made such a hooha myself , in the end they phoned my parents and were told that if I didn 't , I didn 't and I didn 't have to ! So , for the next few lessons , while the video was shown , I sat in the cafeteria downstairs waiting for my next class . Was I spoiled ? A few posts ago ( about school and money and things ) I was given a suggestion : write a book and recoup some of my losses . Sound advice of course . Especially since I have always wanted to write a book . But the question is : what would I write about ? Should it be fact or fiction or a mixture of both ? Should I write about all my adventures in foreign and not so foreign lands ? Should I write about the inner workings of the cow that swam the Atlantic ? Should I write about . . . And who would read it ? Of course my parents will get a copy , because they are proud of their dearest oldest daughter . My two siblings might do so too . And some friends . Blog friends . And then who ? Because only selling about ten books would not make me recoup any loss at all . Any ideas anybody ? On the update side of finances : I don 't have to take the course this year and will not have to pay the second installment . However , I won 't be refunded the first installment and it will serve as a downpayment for next year 's course . I can manage that ! I don 't read the paper . Unless it 's lying on a table at work , I don 't read one . So , knowing what goes on in the world means listening to the news on the radio . But sometimes I buy a newspaper . Like when I 'm in it ! ! ! Today I bought one . Because I was in it . A small photo on the front page leading to a two page spread about me and the company I work for ( Tide ) . Here 's the translation of part of the article on page 4 and 5 : About 20 drivers with foreign nationalities work as busdrivers for Tide in Haugaland . A handful of these moved North on their own initiative . Amongst them Mara J ( 42 ) . - I wanted to try something else than the Netherlands and the EU , she says . The busdriver from the Netherlands loves winter and is very interested in biathlon . She had Canada as her first choice but quickly found out that finding a job as a busdriver in Canada was impossible . So she learnt Norwegian . In November last year she moved from her job as a tourbusdriver in Emmeloord in the Netherlands to a job as a public transport driver in Haugesund , Norway . After first finding out the possibilities in Bergen , Norway . Loves it - I came to Haugesund on a Tuesday and the Monday after I started training , the 42 - year old says , who previously also worked in England , France , Italy and former Yugoslavia . And speaks 6 languages fluently [ not quite true , I speak 5 languages fluently and am able to understand basic Italian ] . She quickly found out that the Norwegian learnt in school is completely different from the Haugesund and Karmoy dialects . She needed 3 - 4 months to really get to grips with the language and the routes . She found a place to live in Torvastad and loves her job and private life . Perhaps the 42 - year old has put down roots . - I like it here . The [ my ] social life is better here than in the Netherlands , according to the busdriver . She only knew the union representative on Facebook before moving . Nobody else . Learnt Norwegian first It so happened that another Dutchman started at the same time as Mara . A total of three Dutch and two Germans work for the company . The thing they have in common is the fact that they learnt Norwegian before coming to Norway . Most come with their families . Mara is single . The education system and a society where everybody has equal opportunities is tempting for some . Unemployment and bad economic times in large parts of Europe are another important cause for people to consider Norway . - It was one of my reasons to move too , even if I did have a steady job in the Netherlands before coming over . She realises it 's expensive in Norway . That is compensated by the higher wages though . - I have as much money [ at the end of the month ] as I had in the Netherlands , says the 42 - year old . So , there you have it : another interview with me . Another fifteen minutes of fame ! The article continued about the company and how the company is faring this year ( pluses and minuses etc . ) . I do apologise ! You would think I had mended my ways and it certainly seemed that way , but in the end , I hadn 't . I didn 't visit any of your blogs and I didn 't update my own . I even missed Photo on Sunday ! ! What my world is coming to ? I don 't know ! But do you want to hear about the boring day to day life I lead ? Getting up early , driving to work , working , driving home , feeding myself , watching television , going to bed ? Because that is basically what I have been up to lately . Honestly . Although , honestly ? I have been doing something else as well . I have been knitting as if it 's going out of fashion . Which , by the look of all the magazines and books about knitting here in Norway is not likely to happen any time soon . Yes , I have been knitting socks . And lots of them . Five completed pairs so far ( adult ones ) and one children 's sock , the other one isn 't finished yet . All with the yarn I bought in Sweden or the Swedish yarn I bought in the Netherlands . The Swedish yarn I bought in the Netherlands is actually my favourite to knit with and I thought it would be easy peasy to find it over here ! Not so much . Yes , I can find it , but only in boring colours like blue and yellow and green . And I prefer my sock wool in a variety of colours : three different coloured threads worsted together . Not one after the other ( plentiful here in Norway ) , but at the same time . In the end I resorted to good old internet and after some serious searching I finally found an online thingymebob that now has an order for wool from yours truly . Because I have an order as well : one pair of men 's socks size big . And he is not into purple or pink ( which I still had ) , so new yarn it is : brown and blue and black and grey . Like the second pair from the left . But isn 't that child 's sock adorable ? ? During the summer I was asked whether I wanted to do a course . A course where I would learn all about my job basically . And if I passed said course , I would earn up to 2 euros and hour more ! Payment of the course would be easy : I would pay half , the union would pay half . So far so good . The first evening of the course was during my holiday . As was the second evening . The third evening I missed , because I didn 't realise it was a course night and then finally the fourth evening I made it to class . This week was to be the fifth evening . And I didn 't go . Not because I couldn 't , but because I can 't afford it . The problem is this : I moved to Norway late November last year . Which means I have been a member of the union for 10 months now . And you have to be a member for at least 1 year before any financial aid is forthcoming . Any thoughts about being extra nice to me can be forgotten , since they are already extra nice to members of our particular branch ( usually you have to be a member for at least 3 years ) . Me having been a member of a Dutch union doesn 't help either . That is not the only part of the problem though . The other part is the fact that I don 't get any holiday money , since I only starting earning this year ! Which means that any holiday has to be paid for by me . I was told I had to take three weeks ( which I did ) , but the financial repercussions will have to be carried by me . My landlady has this strange thing about wanting her rent every month . And my body feels that food is quite nice to get once in a while . So , I have asked to do the course next year , when I will be eligible for financial help from the union , will have holiday money and will be more settled than I am now . Today I got an answer to my email and they will take it up on Monday . Hopefully with a result that is good to me ! Otherwise I will need to get a loan from somewhere and that is something I wanted to avoid at all cost this year ! Anyway , as you are undoubtably aware of , I love the Eurovision Song Contest . Don 't talk to me about the Eastern block sticking together , so does the Western block . And the songs ? Of course they are awful , but there are some really nice ones out there too ! The costumes they wear ? Brilliant ! Wouldn 't want to wear them myself really , but then again , I am not a singer performing for the ESC ! As I love the ESC , I thought it would be really nice if I were to be able to join in a bit more . Not just by watching television , but by waving the flags . But for that I need flags . And right now I haven 't got any have only two . Norway and Sweden . But since there are a lot of other countries out there that join in too . . . So , can anybody help me ? Do you have or can you get hold of a flag ? About 20x30cm , attached to a little stick ? Usually found in souvenir shops ? And would you be willing to send it to little old me here in Norway ? If so , why not send me an email ? My email address is on my Me - page ( next to the Home - tab ) . I had vaguely heard of this book and then I saw it in a Swedish bookshop . Feeling that it would be rude not to support a Swedish author , I decided to buy the book ( in English ) . After all it is ' the International Bestselling Sensation ' as it says on the front ! The blurb : Sitting quietly in his room in an old people 's home , Allan Karlsson is waiting for a party he doesn 't want to begin . His one - hundredth birthday party to be precise . The Mayor will be there . The press will be there . But , as it turns out , Allan will not . . . Escaping ( in his slippers ) through his bedroom window , into the flowerbed , Allan makes his getaway . And so begins his picaresque * and unlikely journey involving criminals , several murders , a suitcase full of cash , and incompetent police . As his escapades unfold , Allan 's earlier life is revealed . A life in which - remarkably - he played a key role behind the scenes in some of the momentous events of the twentieth century . My verdict : Honestly ? Well . . . The story flows . You feel for Allan ( after all , he was 100 years old and not allowed to have some vodka ? That 's just not on ! ) and his adventures in the present sound very plausible . He ( Allan ) has a very dry sort of humor and he doesn 't dwell on the bad things too long . As long as there is vodka , he is fine . His past is revealed in detail as well and every bit as fantastic as the present , if not more . The ending was totally unexpected and fitted perfectly to the whole story . He might have been 101 by the end , but nowhere near being finished . So , would I recommend this book ? Eh . . . YES ! It is hilarious . I laughed and chuckled my way through the book , which probably earned me some strange looks at Copenhagen Airport ( where I read part of it ) . I for one am glad to be supporting a Swedish author ! ! * Picaresque : pertaining to , characteristic of , or characterized by a form of prose fiction , originally developed in Spain , in which the adventures of an engagingly roguish hero are described in a series of usually humorous or satiric episodes that often depict , in realistic detail , the everyday life of the common people . I found this sign in a bookshop in Kristianstad , Sweden . And because you have to relax ( especially on a Sunday ) , I thought it would be quite fitting . I don 't know whether you will be able to read it properly though , so I have put the instructions below as well ! You could be forgiven in thinking I am not blogging anymore . Even though I have had a post appearing every day during the last week , they were all pre - posted ! But , I am . Stil blogging that is . I just had so many Sweden posts that I didn 't write about anything else . Mind you , there is not much to write about . It is holiday time this week ( autumn break ) which means no school transport . Which I found out on Tuesday when I arrived at work and realised I was a full two hours early ! ! Hm . . . All the other driving was quite uneventful . Well , apart from the scenery that is . Take away clouds , add mountains , colour the trees in red and orange and yellow , put some more bends in the road and make it narrower . That 's how it looked like here yesterday ! Because not only is it autumn in Sweden , it is also autumn in Norway . And where the first few days back at work were filled with rain , from Thursday the clouds moved away , the temperatures dropped and the scenery is a painting of reds and yellows and still greens . Add to that bright blue skies and it makes for a beautiful painting ! Taking photos while driving is highly discouraged though , so no images of what I see while driving , but take it from me : stunning . I actually thought about it not so long ago . Why I prefer to do in reality a fairly boring job , especially compared to what I had before . After all , I could have done that in the Netherlands . I wouldn 't have had to move , needed to learn a new language , had to make new friends and a new life . And then I look at the scenery over here and know I made the right choice . Hills and mountains with the sun coming up over them . Sheep in the road ( it adds to the beauty you know ) . The view over the sea every single day . Yes , the temperatures are dropping . Yes , the daylight is becoming less every day . And yes , it is expensive ( especially if you just went on holiday to Sweden ) . But , yes , I love it . All of it . And having a sister who asks if I would like her to come over for a weekend ? Makes it even more perfect ! As I am telling you a bit more about my life , I thought I might tell you about the very first time I actually got drunk . Now , I never was much of a ' typical ' teenager . I didn 't go out , I didn 't drink on the sly , I didn 't smoke on the sly . Mostly I stayed in my room playing solitaire when I should have been doing my homework . I had had the odd glass of rosé at Christmas , but that was about the extent of my alcohol intake . My first real job in Yugoslavia changed that . I went out more , either with my few colleagues or with guests and I started drinking a bit more . I was still only 19 and still quite shy ( compared to now anyway ) and I still didn 't drink a lot . And then that night . . . I can 't recall much of that night , but I do remember rum . Lots of it . So much of it that when the night ended , I was violently sick and threw up in the bushes behind the hotel where I lived . And I lost my purse with my money and bankcard ! The official police report So , after only a few hours sleep I made my way to the police station in Pula , the nearest town . Where , with a crippling hangover , I had to tell the officer in charge what had happened . Fortunately not in Yugoslav or whatever language they spoke , but in English . And then again , but in German . I had called my parents in the dead of night telling them I had lost my bankcard ( they were not amused , not about the loss nor about me calling at that unseemly hour ) , so they contacted the bank at a better time to block it . However , I still had a few more months to go in Yugoslavia and I needed some money . So , the bank and the hotel reception and me made a deal . I could still use my cheques to withdraw money from my account . The hotel receptionist would just copy my details of the older cheques ! Geese in the South of Sweden . Many more expected , either to stay for the winter or to move further South . I wonder whether Nils Holgersson was with them ! I know how to knit . I know the difference between knit and purl and I can knit a mean ladder ! Or a paintbrush , elephant , Christmas mouse . I have knitted scarves , sweaters and in my younger ( foolish ) years even pyjamas ! But I had never knitted socks . Because knitting with four needles was aaaaarrrggghhh ! But I wanted to be able to knit socks . I wanted to make my own and not having to depend on my psychic friend Pepperfly to make them . I wanted socks that looked like my paternal grandmother could have made ! However , my paternal grandmother passed away a few years ago , I never asked my aunt who knows how to knit socks and then I moved to Norway . Where they knit in a way that baffles me every time I see it . Mind you , my way of knitting baffles them . Something to do with how we hold needles and yarn . In the end the result is a knitted product though , whatever way you knit . Anyway , while in Sweden we were in one of those shops that sells yarn and needles and stuff . And it turned out that one of my friends knows how to knit socks . So , I got me some needles and yarn and decided there was no time like the present to learn . The first thing to get used to was those awfully short needles . I am used to 40cm needles , one of which will be clamped under my arm at all times . Now I had to get used to five 20cm needles which seemed to be going everywhere ! I lost stitches ( picked them up again ) , swore a lot ( in Dutch , no need to offend my host ) , but I soon started to get some sort of hang of it . It actually started to resemble something . The friend who knew how to knit socks , had to explain every step of the way . First she had to translate from Swedish to Norwegian and then she had to get me to understand what on earth she was on about . I had to do it and I had to write it down , which was a mixture of Dutch and English , so it was a real international affair ! But the end result was . . . a sock ! An actual sock , knitted by yours truly ! Yes , there were some flaws , but that didn 't matter : I had enough yarn to make more socks . And not even a week later , I have a total of three pairs of knitted socks . Ready to replace the pairs my grandmother knitted for me all those years ago . I have a feeling she would be proud ! PS : I had bought some yarn while still living in the Netherlands . Guess where it hails from ! Right : Sweden ! With the pattern on the back of the paper ! ! Written by I had been to Sweden once before . Two years ago the World Jamboree ( scouting ) was held near Kristianstad in the South East of Sweden and me and 24 other Dutch buses made our way over the Bridge from Denmark to Sweden to drop our scouts of and pick them up again a week later . I loved the countryside and it was actually the first time I wondered whether I was making the right move in moving to Canada ( which was still my goal at that time ) . Because it was so beautiful there and I guessed ( correctly ) that Norway would be equally and more beautiful . Well , it 's a bus wouldn 't you know ! So , when I was invited to come to Sweden with my new - found Norwegian friends , I said yes . Even though it would be a stretch financially . Once in a while you have to be a bit reckless after all ! I allocated an amount I could spend according to the other expenditures coming up and on September 25th the five of us flew to Kopenhagen . Which is in Denmark . From there we took a train to Malmö ( Sweden ) , another train to Simrishamn and then the last bus to Kivik . Church in Simrishamn Thursday was a bit of a lazy day . Exploring the small village of Kivik , getting the first round of shopping in , seeing some of the many apples . Friday we headed back by bus to Simrishamn to do more shopping and in my case also sightseeing . The weather was great , the town was quaint and picturesque and I took lots and lots of photos . Kivik is located at the ÖstersundThe sea between Sweden in the North and Germany / Poland in the South Saturday we stayed in Kivik . Saw the unveiling of the tableau ( see last Sunday 's post ) , did more shopping at the market and I took more photos . Sunday was another lazy day , although I did go for a lovely long walk , coming back with some real nice chocolates . Monday was another bustour , this time to Kristianstad . More shopping , more sightseeing , more photos . Tuesday was yet another town : Ystad . A town I loved for its . . . well . . . everything really . The shops , the buildings , everything ! More books , more knick - knacks and more photos . Streetart in Kristianstad Our last full day was another day spent lazying about . I went for a long walk in the afternoon , saw more apples , ate some blackberries , photographed a snail and in the evening I tried to pack my suitcases . We left at ten on Thursday to make our way back to Kopenhagen to catch our direct flight to Haugesund . Normally they would have a bit of a stop in Malmö to get some more shopping done , but this time they decided to do that at the airport . Where I had had enough , grabbed some lunch , plugged my ears and got out my new book about a hundred year old who climbed out of the window . Monastery in Ystad It was a lovely holiday , but I must admit I was glad to be home again . On my own . To rest my brain before going back to work again on Monday . Written by Don 't get me wrong : I love shopping . Put me in a bookstore and pick me up a couple of hours later and you will probably have to search for me and my pile of books . Artsy , knick - knacky shops are great too . But I am not too fond of clothes shopping . Two reasons : I have enough clothes and I need larger clothes which most shops don 't have . And yes , they did sell hats ! So , when I was on holiday with four other women and we were going places , I got bored real soon by going in and out of clothes shops and shoe shops . Especially when it was almost the same shops in every town ! I went ahead , looking at other shops . Bookshops , artsy , knick - knacky shops . I was tempted to buy more copies of Pride and Prejudice ( I think I have four ) , but resisted . I was tempted to buy beautiful artsy things , but resisted . It 's water and bread ( with home - made jam ) for a few months now ! Not always though . I actually had to buy another suitcase to get everything home ! I think I got 8 books , a milk jug and sugar bowl , lovely red coral and silver earrings , two small serving trays and a host of other small things I don 't need ( although books are something a person needs . Always ) . Meeting up with my friends for tea / coffee , lunch / dinnerThis was not one we went to , but I liked the sign The average town does not consist of lots of bookshops ( two if you are lucky in a smallish town ) and artsy , k - k shops . Which meant that my shopping was fairly limited . Which in turn led me to use my camera . On the buildings , on the art , on the surroundings . I walked lots , saw more and in the end came back from my holiday with over 500 photos ! I promise I won 't show all . . . As you know I spent about a week in Sweden . In Kivik on the South East coast of Sweden to be precise . We were there during the apple market or apple festival and saw a lot of apples . Not only growing on the trees that were in and surrounding Kivik , also in the apple orchards around Kivik and even pinned to a large board ! Every year there is an artist who makes a painting with apples . In other words : she / he uses only apples to make a piece of art . This year was no different and the photo above was the art made for this year 's marknade ! I heard a lot of people saying there was something missing though . . .
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Remember the post about Eurovision I wrote a short while ago ? No ? Well , here is a link to it , so you can reread it . Anyway , yesterday a Polish colleague told me he had looked in two different shops over the weekend ( he was in Poland obviously ) , but had failed to find a flag . He will however be going back to Poland soon and will have a look in some other shops . So , basically the Polish flag is in the bag . This morning I got a package in the mail . Containing a flag . Unfortunately an elephant must have sat on it , because the little stick was broken , but a bit of duct tape will soon mend that . And before anybody asks : no the United States of America do no enter the Eurovision Song Contest . But a flag is a flag is a flag and I can always wave it about when I don 't have the flag of the country I should be having a flag of . ( does that still make sense ? ) I am going to do the lazy thing in my post for today . I am lazy today anyway , just hanging around and doing a bit of internetting , reading , knitting . But the lazy thing for my post today is quite simple . I have noticed several new commenters ( welcome by the way ) and they and you long - time followers might actually want to know a bit more about yours truly ! So , instead of me telling what I did today ( not much and not likely too either ) , I am asking you : what would you like to know about me ? Chances are I 've written about it already , but in that case I will put up a link to the corresponding post . And in case I haven 't written about it yet , I will do ! Do your best ! Or worst for that matter . On an other subject ( sort of ) . I tend not to reply to comments made on my blog on my blog . I prefer to do so by email . That way I am able to give a few more details without the whole world knowing . However , several of you have a no - reply address , which means that questions go unanswered . So , if you want to be answered , please change the settings on your whateveryacallit to include a working email address . I promise never to use it for anything other than answering comments and very very very occasionally send an ordinary email . No spam - like things and no ' funny ' emails , since I don 't like to get those either ! As I was telling a story to some people the other day I was told I had been a spoilt girl ! Now , I can see both my parents looking at each other and wondering who they were talking about , since they certainly didn 't spoil me ! The story I was telling was about me in high school . But it started a few years earlier than that . In December 1983 there was a lot of hooha about atomic weapons and atomic bombs and the like . To a sensitive girl like me it was all very disturbing . So , one night that disturbance came to fruition by me having a dream about atomic bombs falling . Fortunately I woke up , but when I fell asleep again , I started dreaming again on the same topic . And then again . Three dreams all about the atomic bomb and the end of the world . That day in school I was tired and felt sick . I kept thinking and thinking about those dreams and when I finally came home to do my homework , someone on the radio said the end of the world was close . I lost it . Com - ple - tely ! I didn 't sleep in my own ( attic ) room ever again and instead bunked with my sister , one floor down . Much safer ! We moved at the end of that week ( completely unrelated of course , we were due to move anyway ) . Fast forward a few years and one day while in religion class our teacher tells us we are going to see a film . Called ' The Day After ' . About the effects of the atomic bomb ! And I didn 't want to see it . I refused to see it . I made such a hooha myself , in the end they phoned my parents and were told that if I didn 't , I didn 't and I didn 't have to ! So , for the next few lessons , while the video was shown , I sat in the cafeteria downstairs waiting for my next class . Was I spoiled ? A few posts ago ( about school and money and things ) I was given a suggestion : write a book and recoup some of my losses . Sound advice of course . Especially since I have always wanted to write a book . But the question is : what would I write about ? Should it be fact or fiction or a mixture of both ? Should I write about all my adventures in foreign and not so foreign lands ? Should I write about the inner workings of the cow that swam the Atlantic ? Should I write about . . . And who would read it ? Of course my parents will get a copy , because they are proud of their dearest oldest daughter . My two siblings might do so too . And some friends . Blog friends . And then who ? Because only selling about ten books would not make me recoup any loss at all . Any ideas anybody ? On the update side of finances : I don 't have to take the course this year and will not have to pay the second installment . However , I won 't be refunded the first installment and it will serve as a downpayment for next year 's course . I can manage that ! I don 't read the paper . Unless it 's lying on a table at work , I don 't read one . So , knowing what goes on in the world means listening to the news on the radio . But sometimes I buy a newspaper . Like when I 'm in it ! ! ! Today I bought one . Because I was in it . A small photo on the front page leading to a two page spread about me and the company I work for ( Tide ) . Here 's the translation of part of the article on page 4 and 5 : About 20 drivers with foreign nationalities work as busdrivers for Tide in Haugaland . A handful of these moved North on their own initiative . Amongst them Mara J ( 42 ) . - I wanted to try something else than the Netherlands and the EU , she says . The busdriver from the Netherlands loves winter and is very interested in biathlon . She had Canada as her first choice but quickly found out that finding a job as a busdriver in Canada was impossible . So she learnt Norwegian . In November last year she moved from her job as a tourbusdriver in Emmeloord in the Netherlands to a job as a public transport driver in Haugesund , Norway . After first finding out the possibilities in Bergen , Norway . Loves it - I came to Haugesund on a Tuesday and the Monday after I started training , the 42 - year old says , who previously also worked in England , France , Italy and former Yugoslavia . And speaks 6 languages fluently [ not quite true , I speak 5 languages fluently and am able to understand basic Italian ] . She quickly found out that the Norwegian learnt in school is completely different from the Haugesund and Karmoy dialects . She needed 3 - 4 months to really get to grips with the language and the routes . She found a place to live in Torvastad and loves her job and private life . Perhaps the 42 - year old has put down roots . - I like it here . The [ my ] social life is better here than in the Netherlands , according to the busdriver . She only knew the union representative on Facebook before moving . Nobody else . Learnt Norwegian first It so happened that another Dutchman started at the same time as Mara . A total of three Dutch and two Germans work for the company . The thing they have in common is the fact that they learnt Norwegian before coming to Norway . Most come with their families . Mara is single . The education system and a society where everybody has equal opportunities is tempting for some . Unemployment and bad economic times in large parts of Europe are another important cause for people to consider Norway . - It was one of my reasons to move too , even if I did have a steady job in the Netherlands before coming over . She realises it 's expensive in Norway . That is compensated by the higher wages though . - I have as much money [ at the end of the month ] as I had in the Netherlands , says the 42 - year old . So , there you have it : another interview with me . Another fifteen minutes of fame ! The article continued about the company and how the company is faring this year ( pluses and minuses etc . ) . I do apologise ! You would think I had mended my ways and it certainly seemed that way , but in the end , I hadn 't . I didn 't visit any of your blogs and I didn 't update my own . I even missed Photo on Sunday ! ! What my world is coming to ? I don 't know ! But do you want to hear about the boring day to day life I lead ? Getting up early , driving to work , working , driving home , feeding myself , watching television , going to bed ? Because that is basically what I have been up to lately . Honestly . Although , honestly ? I have been doing something else as well . I have been knitting as if it 's going out of fashion . Which , by the look of all the magazines and books about knitting here in Norway is not likely to happen any time soon . Yes , I have been knitting socks . And lots of them . Five completed pairs so far ( adult ones ) and one children 's sock , the other one isn 't finished yet . All with the yarn I bought in Sweden or the Swedish yarn I bought in the Netherlands . The Swedish yarn I bought in the Netherlands is actually my favourite to knit with and I thought it would be easy peasy to find it over here ! Not so much . Yes , I can find it , but only in boring colours like blue and yellow and green . And I prefer my sock wool in a variety of colours : three different coloured threads worsted together . Not one after the other ( plentiful here in Norway ) , but at the same time . In the end I resorted to good old internet and after some serious searching I finally found an online thingymebob that now has an order for wool from yours truly . Because I have an order as well : one pair of men 's socks size big . And he is not into purple or pink ( which I still had ) , so new yarn it is : brown and blue and black and grey . Like the second pair from the left . But isn 't that child 's sock adorable ? ? During the summer I was asked whether I wanted to do a course . A course where I would learn all about my job basically . And if I passed said course , I would earn up to 2 euros and hour more ! Payment of the course would be easy : I would pay half , the union would pay half . So far so good . The first evening of the course was during my holiday . As was the second evening . The third evening I missed , because I didn 't realise it was a course night and then finally the fourth evening I made it to class . This week was to be the fifth evening . And I didn 't go . Not because I couldn 't , but because I can 't afford it . The problem is this : I moved to Norway late November last year . Which means I have been a member of the union for 10 months now . And you have to be a member for at least 1 year before any financial aid is forthcoming . Any thoughts about being extra nice to me can be forgotten , since they are already extra nice to members of our particular branch ( usually you have to be a member for at least 3 years ) . Me having been a member of a Dutch union doesn 't help either . That is not the only part of the problem though . The other part is the fact that I don 't get any holiday money , since I only starting earning this year ! Which means that any holiday has to be paid for by me . I was told I had to take three weeks ( which I did ) , but the financial repercussions will have to be carried by me . My landlady has this strange thing about wanting her rent every month . And my body feels that food is quite nice to get once in a while . So , I have asked to do the course next year , when I will be eligible for financial help from the union , will have holiday money and will be more settled than I am now . Today I got an answer to my email and they will take it up on Monday . Hopefully with a result that is good to me ! Otherwise I will need to get a loan from somewhere and that is something I wanted to avoid at all cost this year ! Anyway , as you are undoubtably aware of , I love the Eurovision Song Contest . Don 't talk to me about the Eastern block sticking together , so does the Western block . And the songs ? Of course they are awful , but there are some really nice ones out there too ! The costumes they wear ? Brilliant ! Wouldn 't want to wear them myself really , but then again , I am not a singer performing for the ESC ! As I love the ESC , I thought it would be really nice if I were to be able to join in a bit more . Not just by watching television , but by waving the flags . But for that I need flags . And right now I haven 't got any have only two . Norway and Sweden . But since there are a lot of other countries out there that join in too . . . So , can anybody help me ? Do you have or can you get hold of a flag ? About 20x30cm , attached to a little stick ? Usually found in souvenir shops ? And would you be willing to send it to little old me here in Norway ? If so , why not send me an email ? My email address is on my Me - page ( next to the Home - tab ) . I had vaguely heard of this book and then I saw it in a Swedish bookshop . Feeling that it would be rude not to support a Swedish author , I decided to buy the book ( in English ) . After all it is ' the International Bestselling Sensation ' as it says on the front ! The blurb : Sitting quietly in his room in an old people 's home , Allan Karlsson is waiting for a party he doesn 't want to begin . His one - hundredth birthday party to be precise . The Mayor will be there . The press will be there . But , as it turns out , Allan will not . . . Escaping ( in his slippers ) through his bedroom window , into the flowerbed , Allan makes his getaway . And so begins his picaresque * and unlikely journey involving criminals , several murders , a suitcase full of cash , and incompetent police . As his escapades unfold , Allan 's earlier life is revealed . A life in which - remarkably - he played a key role behind the scenes in some of the momentous events of the twentieth century . My verdict : Honestly ? Well . . . The story flows . You feel for Allan ( after all , he was 100 years old and not allowed to have some vodka ? That 's just not on ! ) and his adventures in the present sound very plausible . He ( Allan ) has a very dry sort of humor and he doesn 't dwell on the bad things too long . As long as there is vodka , he is fine . His past is revealed in detail as well and every bit as fantastic as the present , if not more . The ending was totally unexpected and fitted perfectly to the whole story . He might have been 101 by the end , but nowhere near being finished . So , would I recommend this book ? Eh . . . YES ! It is hilarious . I laughed and chuckled my way through the book , which probably earned me some strange looks at Copenhagen Airport ( where I read part of it ) . I for one am glad to be supporting a Swedish author ! ! * Picaresque : pertaining to , characteristic of , or characterized by a form of prose fiction , originally developed in Spain , in which the adventures of an engagingly roguish hero are described in a series of usually humorous or satiric episodes that often depict , in realistic detail , the everyday life of the common people . I found this sign in a bookshop in Kristianstad , Sweden . And because you have to relax ( especially on a Sunday ) , I thought it would be quite fitting . I don 't know whether you will be able to read it properly though , so I have put the instructions below as well ! You could be forgiven in thinking I am not blogging anymore . Even though I have had a post appearing every day during the last week , they were all pre - posted ! But , I am . Stil blogging that is . I just had so many Sweden posts that I didn 't write about anything else . Mind you , there is not much to write about . It is holiday time this week ( autumn break ) which means no school transport . Which I found out on Tuesday when I arrived at work and realised I was a full two hours early ! ! Hm . . . All the other driving was quite uneventful . Well , apart from the scenery that is . Take away clouds , add mountains , colour the trees in red and orange and yellow , put some more bends in the road and make it narrower . That 's how it looked like here yesterday ! Because not only is it autumn in Sweden , it is also autumn in Norway . And where the first few days back at work were filled with rain , from Thursday the clouds moved away , the temperatures dropped and the scenery is a painting of reds and yellows and still greens . Add to that bright blue skies and it makes for a beautiful painting ! Taking photos while driving is highly discouraged though , so no images of what I see while driving , but take it from me : stunning . I actually thought about it not so long ago . Why I prefer to do in reality a fairly boring job , especially compared to what I had before . After all , I could have done that in the Netherlands . I wouldn 't have had to move , needed to learn a new language , had to make new friends and a new life . And then I look at the scenery over here and know I made the right choice . Hills and mountains with the sun coming up over them . Sheep in the road ( it adds to the beauty you know ) . The view over the sea every single day . Yes , the temperatures are dropping . Yes , the daylight is becoming less every day . And yes , it is expensive ( especially if you just went on holiday to Sweden ) . But , yes , I love it . All of it . And having a sister who asks if I would like her to come over for a weekend ? Makes it even more perfect ! As I am telling you a bit more about my life , I thought I might tell you about the very first time I actually got drunk . Now , I never was much of a ' typical ' teenager . I didn 't go out , I didn 't drink on the sly , I didn 't smoke on the sly . Mostly I stayed in my room playing solitaire when I should have been doing my homework . I had had the odd glass of rosé at Christmas , but that was about the extent of my alcohol intake . My first real job in Yugoslavia changed that . I went out more , either with my few colleagues or with guests and I started drinking a bit more . I was still only 19 and still quite shy ( compared to now anyway ) and I still didn 't drink a lot . And then that night . . . I can 't recall much of that night , but I do remember rum . Lots of it . So much of it that when the night ended , I was violently sick and threw up in the bushes behind the hotel where I lived . And I lost my purse with my money and bankcard ! The official police report So , after only a few hours sleep I made my way to the police station in Pula , the nearest town . Where , with a crippling hangover , I had to tell the officer in charge what had happened . Fortunately not in Yugoslav or whatever language they spoke , but in English . And then again , but in German . I had called my parents in the dead of night telling them I had lost my bankcard ( they were not amused , not about the loss nor about me calling at that unseemly hour ) , so they contacted the bank at a better time to block it . However , I still had a few more months to go in Yugoslavia and I needed some money . So , the bank and the hotel reception and me made a deal . I could still use my cheques to withdraw money from my account . The hotel receptionist would just copy my details of the older cheques ! Geese in the South of Sweden . Many more expected , either to stay for the winter or to move further South . I wonder whether Nils Holgersson was with them ! I know how to knit . I know the difference between knit and purl and I can knit a mean ladder ! Or a paintbrush , elephant , Christmas mouse . I have knitted scarves , sweaters and in my younger ( foolish ) years even pyjamas ! But I had never knitted socks . Because knitting with four needles was aaaaarrrggghhh ! But I wanted to be able to knit socks . I wanted to make my own and not having to depend on my psychic friend Pepperfly to make them . I wanted socks that looked like my paternal grandmother could have made ! However , my paternal grandmother passed away a few years ago , I never asked my aunt who knows how to knit socks and then I moved to Norway . Where they knit in a way that baffles me every time I see it . Mind you , my way of knitting baffles them . Something to do with how we hold needles and yarn . In the end the result is a knitted product though , whatever way you knit . Anyway , while in Sweden we were in one of those shops that sells yarn and needles and stuff . And it turned out that one of my friends knows how to knit socks . So , I got me some needles and yarn and decided there was no time like the present to learn . The first thing to get used to was those awfully short needles . I am used to 40cm needles , one of which will be clamped under my arm at all times . Now I had to get used to five 20cm needles which seemed to be going everywhere ! I lost stitches ( picked them up again ) , swore a lot ( in Dutch , no need to offend my host ) , but I soon started to get some sort of hang of it . It actually started to resemble something . The friend who knew how to knit socks , had to explain every step of the way . First she had to translate from Swedish to Norwegian and then she had to get me to understand what on earth she was on about . I had to do it and I had to write it down , which was a mixture of Dutch and English , so it was a real international affair ! But the end result was . . . a sock ! An actual sock , knitted by yours truly ! Yes , there were some flaws , but that didn 't matter : I had enough yarn to make more socks . And not even a week later , I have a total of three pairs of knitted socks . Ready to replace the pairs my grandmother knitted for me all those years ago . I have a feeling she would be proud ! PS : I had bought some yarn while still living in the Netherlands . Guess where it hails from ! Right : Sweden ! With the pattern on the back of the paper ! ! Written by I had been to Sweden once before . Two years ago the World Jamboree ( scouting ) was held near Kristianstad in the South East of Sweden and me and 24 other Dutch buses made our way over the Bridge from Denmark to Sweden to drop our scouts of and pick them up again a week later . I loved the countryside and it was actually the first time I wondered whether I was making the right move in moving to Canada ( which was still my goal at that time ) . Because it was so beautiful there and I guessed ( correctly ) that Norway would be equally and more beautiful . Well , it 's a bus wouldn 't you know ! So , when I was invited to come to Sweden with my new - found Norwegian friends , I said yes . Even though it would be a stretch financially . Once in a while you have to be a bit reckless after all ! I allocated an amount I could spend according to the other expenditures coming up and on September 25th the five of us flew to Kopenhagen . Which is in Denmark . From there we took a train to Malmö ( Sweden ) , another train to Simrishamn and then the last bus to Kivik . Church in Simrishamn Thursday was a bit of a lazy day . Exploring the small village of Kivik , getting the first round of shopping in , seeing some of the many apples . Friday we headed back by bus to Simrishamn to do more shopping and in my case also sightseeing . The weather was great , the town was quaint and picturesque and I took lots and lots of photos . Kivik is located at the ÖstersundThe sea between Sweden in the North and Germany / Poland in the South Saturday we stayed in Kivik . Saw the unveiling of the tableau ( see last Sunday 's post ) , did more shopping at the market and I took more photos . Sunday was another lazy day , although I did go for a lovely long walk , coming back with some real nice chocolates . Monday was another bustour , this time to Kristianstad . More shopping , more sightseeing , more photos . Tuesday was yet another town : Ystad . A town I loved for its . . . well . . . everything really . The shops , the buildings , everything ! More books , more knick - knacks and more photos . Streetart in Kristianstad Our last full day was another day spent lazying about . I went for a long walk in the afternoon , saw more apples , ate some blackberries , photographed a snail and in the evening I tried to pack my suitcases . We left at ten on Thursday to make our way back to Kopenhagen to catch our direct flight to Haugesund . Normally they would have a bit of a stop in Malmö to get some more shopping done , but this time they decided to do that at the airport . Where I had had enough , grabbed some lunch , plugged my ears and got out my new book about a hundred year old who climbed out of the window . Monastery in Ystad It was a lovely holiday , but I must admit I was glad to be home again . On my own . To rest my brain before going back to work again on Monday . Written by Don 't get me wrong : I love shopping . Put me in a bookstore and pick me up a couple of hours later and you will probably have to search for me and my pile of books . Artsy , knick - knacky shops are great too . But I am not too fond of clothes shopping . Two reasons : I have enough clothes and I need larger clothes which most shops don 't have . And yes , they did sell hats ! So , when I was on holiday with four other women and we were going places , I got bored real soon by going in and out of clothes shops and shoe shops . Especially when it was almost the same shops in every town ! I went ahead , looking at other shops . Bookshops , artsy , knick - knacky shops . I was tempted to buy more copies of Pride and Prejudice ( I think I have four ) , but resisted . I was tempted to buy beautiful artsy things , but resisted . It 's water and bread ( with home - made jam ) for a few months now ! Not always though . I actually had to buy another suitcase to get everything home ! I think I got 8 books , a milk jug and sugar bowl , lovely red coral and silver earrings , two small serving trays and a host of other small things I don 't need ( although books are something a person needs . Always ) . Meeting up with my friends for tea / coffee , lunch / dinnerThis was not one we went to , but I liked the sign The average town does not consist of lots of bookshops ( two if you are lucky in a smallish town ) and artsy , k - k shops . Which meant that my shopping was fairly limited . Which in turn led me to use my camera . On the buildings , on the art , on the surroundings . I walked lots , saw more and in the end came back from my holiday with over 500 photos ! I promise I won 't show all . . . As you know I spent about a week in Sweden . In Kivik on the South East coast of Sweden to be precise . We were there during the apple market or apple festival and saw a lot of apples . Not only growing on the trees that were in and surrounding Kivik , also in the apple orchards around Kivik and even pinned to a large board ! Every year there is an artist who makes a painting with apples . In other words : she / he uses only apples to make a piece of art . This year was no different and the photo above was the art made for this year 's marknade ! I heard a lot of people saying there was something missing though . . .
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Remember the post about Eurovision I wrote a short while ago ? No ? Well , here is a link to it , so you can reread it . Anyway , yesterday a Polish colleague told me he had looked in two different shops over the weekend ( he was in Poland obviously ) , but had failed to find a flag . He will however be going back to Poland soon and will have a look in some other shops . So , basically the Polish flag is in the bag . This morning I got a package in the mail . Containing a flag . Unfortunately an elephant must have sat on it , because the little stick was broken , but a bit of duct tape will soon mend that . And before anybody asks : no the United States of America do no enter the Eurovision Song Contest . But a flag is a flag is a flag and I can always wave it about when I don 't have the flag of the country I should be having a flag of . ( does that still make sense ? ) I am going to do the lazy thing in my post for today . I am lazy today anyway , just hanging around and doing a bit of internetting , reading , knitting . But the lazy thing for my post today is quite simple . I have noticed several new commenters ( welcome by the way ) and they and you long - time followers might actually want to know a bit more about yours truly ! So , instead of me telling what I did today ( not much and not likely too either ) , I am asking you : what would you like to know about me ? Chances are I 've written about it already , but in that case I will put up a link to the corresponding post . And in case I haven 't written about it yet , I will do ! Do your best ! Or worst for that matter . On an other subject ( sort of ) . I tend not to reply to comments made on my blog on my blog . I prefer to do so by email . That way I am able to give a few more details without the whole world knowing . However , several of you have a no - reply address , which means that questions go unanswered . So , if you want to be answered , please change the settings on your whateveryacallit to include a working email address . I promise never to use it for anything other than answering comments and very very very occasionally send an ordinary email . No spam - like things and no ' funny ' emails , since I don 't like to get those either ! As I was telling a story to some people the other day I was told I had been a spoilt girl ! Now , I can see both my parents looking at each other and wondering who they were talking about , since they certainly didn 't spoil me ! The story I was telling was about me in high school . But it started a few years earlier than that . In December 1983 there was a lot of hooha about atomic weapons and atomic bombs and the like . To a sensitive girl like me it was all very disturbing . So , one night that disturbance came to fruition by me having a dream about atomic bombs falling . Fortunately I woke up , but when I fell asleep again , I started dreaming again on the same topic . And then again . Three dreams all about the atomic bomb and the end of the world . That day in school I was tired and felt sick . I kept thinking and thinking about those dreams and when I finally came home to do my homework , someone on the radio said the end of the world was close . I lost it . Com - ple - tely ! I didn 't sleep in my own ( attic ) room ever again and instead bunked with my sister , one floor down . Much safer ! We moved at the end of that week ( completely unrelated of course , we were due to move anyway ) . Fast forward a few years and one day while in religion class our teacher tells us we are going to see a film . Called ' The Day After ' . About the effects of the atomic bomb ! And I didn 't want to see it . I refused to see it . I made such a hooha myself , in the end they phoned my parents and were told that if I didn 't , I didn 't and I didn 't have to ! So , for the next few lessons , while the video was shown , I sat in the cafeteria downstairs waiting for my next class . Was I spoiled ? A few posts ago ( about school and money and things ) I was given a suggestion : write a book and recoup some of my losses . Sound advice of course . Especially since I have always wanted to write a book . But the question is : what would I write about ? Should it be fact or fiction or a mixture of both ? Should I write about all my adventures in foreign and not so foreign lands ? Should I write about the inner workings of the cow that swam the Atlantic ? Should I write about . . . And who would read it ? Of course my parents will get a copy , because they are proud of their dearest oldest daughter . My two siblings might do so too . And some friends . Blog friends . And then who ? Because only selling about ten books would not make me recoup any loss at all . Any ideas anybody ? On the update side of finances : I don 't have to take the course this year and will not have to pay the second installment . However , I won 't be refunded the first installment and it will serve as a downpayment for next year 's course . I can manage that ! I don 't read the paper . Unless it 's lying on a table at work , I don 't read one . So , knowing what goes on in the world means listening to the news on the radio . But sometimes I buy a newspaper . Like when I 'm in it ! ! ! Today I bought one . Because I was in it . A small photo on the front page leading to a two page spread about me and the company I work for ( Tide ) . Here 's the translation of part of the article on page 4 and 5 : About 20 drivers with foreign nationalities work as busdrivers for Tide in Haugaland . A handful of these moved North on their own initiative . Amongst them Mara J ( 42 ) . - I wanted to try something else than the Netherlands and the EU , she says . The busdriver from the Netherlands loves winter and is very interested in biathlon . She had Canada as her first choice but quickly found out that finding a job as a busdriver in Canada was impossible . So she learnt Norwegian . In November last year she moved from her job as a tourbusdriver in Emmeloord in the Netherlands to a job as a public transport driver in Haugesund , Norway . After first finding out the possibilities in Bergen , Norway . Loves it - I came to Haugesund on a Tuesday and the Monday after I started training , the 42 - year old says , who previously also worked in England , France , Italy and former Yugoslavia . And speaks 6 languages fluently [ not quite true , I speak 5 languages fluently and am able to understand basic Italian ] . She quickly found out that the Norwegian learnt in school is completely different from the Haugesund and Karmoy dialects . She needed 3 - 4 months to really get to grips with the language and the routes . She found a place to live in Torvastad and loves her job and private life . Perhaps the 42 - year old has put down roots . - I like it here . The [ my ] social life is better here than in the Netherlands , according to the busdriver . She only knew the union representative on Facebook before moving . Nobody else . Learnt Norwegian first It so happened that another Dutchman started at the same time as Mara . A total of three Dutch and two Germans work for the company . The thing they have in common is the fact that they learnt Norwegian before coming to Norway . Most come with their families . Mara is single . The education system and a society where everybody has equal opportunities is tempting for some . Unemployment and bad economic times in large parts of Europe are another important cause for people to consider Norway . - It was one of my reasons to move too , even if I did have a steady job in the Netherlands before coming over . She realises it 's expensive in Norway . That is compensated by the higher wages though . - I have as much money [ at the end of the month ] as I had in the Netherlands , says the 42 - year old . So , there you have it : another interview with me . Another fifteen minutes of fame ! The article continued about the company and how the company is faring this year ( pluses and minuses etc . ) . I do apologise ! You would think I had mended my ways and it certainly seemed that way , but in the end , I hadn 't . I didn 't visit any of your blogs and I didn 't update my own . I even missed Photo on Sunday ! ! What my world is coming to ? I don 't know ! But do you want to hear about the boring day to day life I lead ? Getting up early , driving to work , working , driving home , feeding myself , watching television , going to bed ? Because that is basically what I have been up to lately . Honestly . Although , honestly ? I have been doing something else as well . I have been knitting as if it 's going out of fashion . Which , by the look of all the magazines and books about knitting here in Norway is not likely to happen any time soon . Yes , I have been knitting socks . And lots of them . Five completed pairs so far ( adult ones ) and one children 's sock , the other one isn 't finished yet . All with the yarn I bought in Sweden or the Swedish yarn I bought in the Netherlands . The Swedish yarn I bought in the Netherlands is actually my favourite to knit with and I thought it would be easy peasy to find it over here ! Not so much . Yes , I can find it , but only in boring colours like blue and yellow and green . And I prefer my sock wool in a variety of colours : three different coloured threads worsted together . Not one after the other ( plentiful here in Norway ) , but at the same time . In the end I resorted to good old internet and after some serious searching I finally found an online thingymebob that now has an order for wool from yours truly . Because I have an order as well : one pair of men 's socks size big . And he is not into purple or pink ( which I still had ) , so new yarn it is : brown and blue and black and grey . Like the second pair from the left . But isn 't that child 's sock adorable ? ? During the summer I was asked whether I wanted to do a course . A course where I would learn all about my job basically . And if I passed said course , I would earn up to 2 euros and hour more ! Payment of the course would be easy : I would pay half , the union would pay half . So far so good . The first evening of the course was during my holiday . As was the second evening . The third evening I missed , because I didn 't realise it was a course night and then finally the fourth evening I made it to class . This week was to be the fifth evening . And I didn 't go . Not because I couldn 't , but because I can 't afford it . The problem is this : I moved to Norway late November last year . Which means I have been a member of the union for 10 months now . And you have to be a member for at least 1 year before any financial aid is forthcoming . Any thoughts about being extra nice to me can be forgotten , since they are already extra nice to members of our particular branch ( usually you have to be a member for at least 3 years ) . Me having been a member of a Dutch union doesn 't help either . That is not the only part of the problem though . The other part is the fact that I don 't get any holiday money , since I only starting earning this year ! Which means that any holiday has to be paid for by me . I was told I had to take three weeks ( which I did ) , but the financial repercussions will have to be carried by me . My landlady has this strange thing about wanting her rent every month . And my body feels that food is quite nice to get once in a while . So , I have asked to do the course next year , when I will be eligible for financial help from the union , will have holiday money and will be more settled than I am now . Today I got an answer to my email and they will take it up on Monday . Hopefully with a result that is good to me ! Otherwise I will need to get a loan from somewhere and that is something I wanted to avoid at all cost this year ! Anyway , as you are undoubtably aware of , I love the Eurovision Song Contest . Don 't talk to me about the Eastern block sticking together , so does the Western block . And the songs ? Of course they are awful , but there are some really nice ones out there too ! The costumes they wear ? Brilliant ! Wouldn 't want to wear them myself really , but then again , I am not a singer performing for the ESC ! As I love the ESC , I thought it would be really nice if I were to be able to join in a bit more . Not just by watching television , but by waving the flags . But for that I need flags . And right now I haven 't got any have only two . Norway and Sweden . But since there are a lot of other countries out there that join in too . . . So , can anybody help me ? Do you have or can you get hold of a flag ? About 20x30cm , attached to a little stick ? Usually found in souvenir shops ? And would you be willing to send it to little old me here in Norway ? If so , why not send me an email ? My email address is on my Me - page ( next to the Home - tab ) . I had vaguely heard of this book and then I saw it in a Swedish bookshop . Feeling that it would be rude not to support a Swedish author , I decided to buy the book ( in English ) . After all it is ' the International Bestselling Sensation ' as it says on the front ! The blurb : Sitting quietly in his room in an old people 's home , Allan Karlsson is waiting for a party he doesn 't want to begin . His one - hundredth birthday party to be precise . The Mayor will be there . The press will be there . But , as it turns out , Allan will not . . . Escaping ( in his slippers ) through his bedroom window , into the flowerbed , Allan makes his getaway . And so begins his picaresque * and unlikely journey involving criminals , several murders , a suitcase full of cash , and incompetent police . As his escapades unfold , Allan 's earlier life is revealed . A life in which - remarkably - he played a key role behind the scenes in some of the momentous events of the twentieth century . My verdict : Honestly ? Well . . . The story flows . You feel for Allan ( after all , he was 100 years old and not allowed to have some vodka ? That 's just not on ! ) and his adventures in the present sound very plausible . He ( Allan ) has a very dry sort of humor and he doesn 't dwell on the bad things too long . As long as there is vodka , he is fine . His past is revealed in detail as well and every bit as fantastic as the present , if not more . The ending was totally unexpected and fitted perfectly to the whole story . He might have been 101 by the end , but nowhere near being finished . So , would I recommend this book ? Eh . . . YES ! It is hilarious . I laughed and chuckled my way through the book , which probably earned me some strange looks at Copenhagen Airport ( where I read part of it ) . I for one am glad to be supporting a Swedish author ! ! * Picaresque : pertaining to , characteristic of , or characterized by a form of prose fiction , originally developed in Spain , in which the adventures of an engagingly roguish hero are described in a series of usually humorous or satiric episodes that often depict , in realistic detail , the everyday life of the common people . I found this sign in a bookshop in Kristianstad , Sweden . And because you have to relax ( especially on a Sunday ) , I thought it would be quite fitting . I don 't know whether you will be able to read it properly though , so I have put the instructions below as well ! You could be forgiven in thinking I am not blogging anymore . Even though I have had a post appearing every day during the last week , they were all pre - posted ! But , I am . Stil blogging that is . I just had so many Sweden posts that I didn 't write about anything else . Mind you , there is not much to write about . It is holiday time this week ( autumn break ) which means no school transport . Which I found out on Tuesday when I arrived at work and realised I was a full two hours early ! ! Hm . . . All the other driving was quite uneventful . Well , apart from the scenery that is . Take away clouds , add mountains , colour the trees in red and orange and yellow , put some more bends in the road and make it narrower . That 's how it looked like here yesterday ! Because not only is it autumn in Sweden , it is also autumn in Norway . And where the first few days back at work were filled with rain , from Thursday the clouds moved away , the temperatures dropped and the scenery is a painting of reds and yellows and still greens . Add to that bright blue skies and it makes for a beautiful painting ! Taking photos while driving is highly discouraged though , so no images of what I see while driving , but take it from me : stunning . I actually thought about it not so long ago . Why I prefer to do in reality a fairly boring job , especially compared to what I had before . After all , I could have done that in the Netherlands . I wouldn 't have had to move , needed to learn a new language , had to make new friends and a new life . And then I look at the scenery over here and know I made the right choice . Hills and mountains with the sun coming up over them . Sheep in the road ( it adds to the beauty you know ) . The view over the sea every single day . Yes , the temperatures are dropping . Yes , the daylight is becoming less every day . And yes , it is expensive ( especially if you just went on holiday to Sweden ) . But , yes , I love it . All of it . And having a sister who asks if I would like her to come over for a weekend ? Makes it even more perfect ! As I am telling you a bit more about my life , I thought I might tell you about the very first time I actually got drunk . Now , I never was much of a ' typical ' teenager . I didn 't go out , I didn 't drink on the sly , I didn 't smoke on the sly . Mostly I stayed in my room playing solitaire when I should have been doing my homework . I had had the odd glass of rosé at Christmas , but that was about the extent of my alcohol intake . My first real job in Yugoslavia changed that . I went out more , either with my few colleagues or with guests and I started drinking a bit more . I was still only 19 and still quite shy ( compared to now anyway ) and I still didn 't drink a lot . And then that night . . . I can 't recall much of that night , but I do remember rum . Lots of it . So much of it that when the night ended , I was violently sick and threw up in the bushes behind the hotel where I lived . And I lost my purse with my money and bankcard ! The official police report So , after only a few hours sleep I made my way to the police station in Pula , the nearest town . Where , with a crippling hangover , I had to tell the officer in charge what had happened . Fortunately not in Yugoslav or whatever language they spoke , but in English . And then again , but in German . I had called my parents in the dead of night telling them I had lost my bankcard ( they were not amused , not about the loss nor about me calling at that unseemly hour ) , so they contacted the bank at a better time to block it . However , I still had a few more months to go in Yugoslavia and I needed some money . So , the bank and the hotel reception and me made a deal . I could still use my cheques to withdraw money from my account . The hotel receptionist would just copy my details of the older cheques ! Geese in the South of Sweden . Many more expected , either to stay for the winter or to move further South . I wonder whether Nils Holgersson was with them ! I know how to knit . I know the difference between knit and purl and I can knit a mean ladder ! Or a paintbrush , elephant , Christmas mouse . I have knitted scarves , sweaters and in my younger ( foolish ) years even pyjamas ! But I had never knitted socks . Because knitting with four needles was aaaaarrrggghhh ! But I wanted to be able to knit socks . I wanted to make my own and not having to depend on my psychic friend Pepperfly to make them . I wanted socks that looked like my paternal grandmother could have made ! However , my paternal grandmother passed away a few years ago , I never asked my aunt who knows how to knit socks and then I moved to Norway . Where they knit in a way that baffles me every time I see it . Mind you , my way of knitting baffles them . Something to do with how we hold needles and yarn . In the end the result is a knitted product though , whatever way you knit . Anyway , while in Sweden we were in one of those shops that sells yarn and needles and stuff . And it turned out that one of my friends knows how to knit socks . So , I got me some needles and yarn and decided there was no time like the present to learn . The first thing to get used to was those awfully short needles . I am used to 40cm needles , one of which will be clamped under my arm at all times . Now I had to get used to five 20cm needles which seemed to be going everywhere ! I lost stitches ( picked them up again ) , swore a lot ( in Dutch , no need to offend my host ) , but I soon started to get some sort of hang of it . It actually started to resemble something . The friend who knew how to knit socks , had to explain every step of the way . First she had to translate from Swedish to Norwegian and then she had to get me to understand what on earth she was on about . I had to do it and I had to write it down , which was a mixture of Dutch and English , so it was a real international affair ! But the end result was . . . a sock ! An actual sock , knitted by yours truly ! Yes , there were some flaws , but that didn 't matter : I had enough yarn to make more socks . And not even a week later , I have a total of three pairs of knitted socks . Ready to replace the pairs my grandmother knitted for me all those years ago . I have a feeling she would be proud ! PS : I had bought some yarn while still living in the Netherlands . Guess where it hails from ! Right : Sweden ! With the pattern on the back of the paper ! ! Written by I had been to Sweden once before . Two years ago the World Jamboree ( scouting ) was held near Kristianstad in the South East of Sweden and me and 24 other Dutch buses made our way over the Bridge from Denmark to Sweden to drop our scouts of and pick them up again a week later . I loved the countryside and it was actually the first time I wondered whether I was making the right move in moving to Canada ( which was still my goal at that time ) . Because it was so beautiful there and I guessed ( correctly ) that Norway would be equally and more beautiful . Well , it 's a bus wouldn 't you know ! So , when I was invited to come to Sweden with my new - found Norwegian friends , I said yes . Even though it would be a stretch financially . Once in a while you have to be a bit reckless after all ! I allocated an amount I could spend according to the other expenditures coming up and on September 25th the five of us flew to Kopenhagen . Which is in Denmark . From there we took a train to Malmö ( Sweden ) , another train to Simrishamn and then the last bus to Kivik . Church in Simrishamn Thursday was a bit of a lazy day . Exploring the small village of Kivik , getting the first round of shopping in , seeing some of the many apples . Friday we headed back by bus to Simrishamn to do more shopping and in my case also sightseeing . The weather was great , the town was quaint and picturesque and I took lots and lots of photos . Kivik is located at the ÖstersundThe sea between Sweden in the North and Germany / Poland in the South Saturday we stayed in Kivik . Saw the unveiling of the tableau ( see last Sunday 's post ) , did more shopping at the market and I took more photos . Sunday was another lazy day , although I did go for a lovely long walk , coming back with some real nice chocolates . Monday was another bustour , this time to Kristianstad . More shopping , more sightseeing , more photos . Tuesday was yet another town : Ystad . A town I loved for its . . . well . . . everything really . The shops , the buildings , everything ! More books , more knick - knacks and more photos . Streetart in Kristianstad Our last full day was another day spent lazying about . I went for a long walk in the afternoon , saw more apples , ate some blackberries , photographed a snail and in the evening I tried to pack my suitcases . We left at ten on Thursday to make our way back to Kopenhagen to catch our direct flight to Haugesund . Normally they would have a bit of a stop in Malmö to get some more shopping done , but this time they decided to do that at the airport . Where I had had enough , grabbed some lunch , plugged my ears and got out my new book about a hundred year old who climbed out of the window . Monastery in Ystad It was a lovely holiday , but I must admit I was glad to be home again . On my own . To rest my brain before going back to work again on Monday . Written by Don 't get me wrong : I love shopping . Put me in a bookstore and pick me up a couple of hours later and you will probably have to search for me and my pile of books . Artsy , knick - knacky shops are great too . But I am not too fond of clothes shopping . Two reasons : I have enough clothes and I need larger clothes which most shops don 't have . And yes , they did sell hats ! So , when I was on holiday with four other women and we were going places , I got bored real soon by going in and out of clothes shops and shoe shops . Especially when it was almost the same shops in every town ! I went ahead , looking at other shops . Bookshops , artsy , knick - knacky shops . I was tempted to buy more copies of Pride and Prejudice ( I think I have four ) , but resisted . I was tempted to buy beautiful artsy things , but resisted . It 's water and bread ( with home - made jam ) for a few months now ! Not always though . I actually had to buy another suitcase to get everything home ! I think I got 8 books , a milk jug and sugar bowl , lovely red coral and silver earrings , two small serving trays and a host of other small things I don 't need ( although books are something a person needs . Always ) . Meeting up with my friends for tea / coffee , lunch / dinnerThis was not one we went to , but I liked the sign The average town does not consist of lots of bookshops ( two if you are lucky in a smallish town ) and artsy , k - k shops . Which meant that my shopping was fairly limited . Which in turn led me to use my camera . On the buildings , on the art , on the surroundings . I walked lots , saw more and in the end came back from my holiday with over 500 photos ! I promise I won 't show all . . . As you know I spent about a week in Sweden . In Kivik on the South East coast of Sweden to be precise . We were there during the apple market or apple festival and saw a lot of apples . Not only growing on the trees that were in and surrounding Kivik , also in the apple orchards around Kivik and even pinned to a large board ! Every year there is an artist who makes a painting with apples . In other words : she / he uses only apples to make a piece of art . This year was no different and the photo above was the art made for this year 's marknade ! I heard a lot of people saying there was something missing though . . .
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I 've posted the tracks here for sampling purposes only , which is supposed to encourage you to get off of your ass to buy the albums . Or , of course , you may remain on your ass and just click away to iTunes or Amazon to buy them . Whatever . The hard copy is more rewarding , anyway . You get the album artwork and the glory of perfect songs ( no worries about incomplete files , et cetera ) ; the artist gets to take his or her significant other out to Chipotle for a nice burrito dinner . Preferably vegan . Win / win . The other day at Video Fan , I heard a series of two songs by the same artist . I had no idea what the artist was , so I asked the kindly female at the counter what she was playing . Answer : TV on the Radio . Last night , I had a dream that I had really wide , hairy legs . In my dream , it made me uncomfortable because my legs are , I think , the only redeeming part of my body . But in reality , I have lost about five pounds just from being home over break . I 'm in Richmond now , and I don 't see myself keeping off this weight that I did not mean to lose . This is simply because I lack self - control . In other news , this is a series of things that do not matter : One of my sisters got a detention , and the other one was sent to sit out in the hallway . How these things happen , I don 't know . For one thing , I never had a detention in all my however many years in grade school . In fact , I never came close to getting a detention . I 'm too much of a perfectionist with my behavior . For another thing , my sisters aren 't even nearly bad kids . All three of us are too shy , or too obedient , or too wary of offensiveness to act out in public places like school . Rachael got a detention because she was late to school too many times . Fair enough , because it 's usually her fault that she 's late , but sometimes she 's late because she has to drive my mom to school . The day they wanted her to serve her detention , she couldn 't because she had to pick my mom up from work ( my mom works in the school system ) . Funny how that works . As for Alexa , the whole situation is out of line . Some kid in her class said something funny , she smirked at it , and she was sent to sit in the hallway for thirty minutes with the girl who forgot her homework . When the teacher came out to retrieve them , she asked them if they knew what they had done . Alexa said , " Sorry , but no . " She 's so sassy when she 's right . The teacher never explained it to her , probably because she doesn 't even know what Alexa did . My sister put on a happy front at school and then cried at home , which is better than I would have done . Behaviorally , Alexa is like me - very prim - but she has an added advantage of charm , which I never had at her age . Her charm allows her to impress people her own age in a relatable way . And work - wise , she 's a perfectionist like me , but she 's more motivated than I am . I think she 's escaped the family curse , and because of it , I think she may easily be the smartest one . Mmk , I don 't want to push down the Intimacy Project post or anything , but I just had to tell you two stories . One isn 't really a story . The other is . The first happened probably two nights ago . I 'd just gotten home from a fairly rough hangout and Virginia wasn 't home and I didn 't want to just sit around on my ass in front of the computer . On the ride home , I 'd seen this guy a few blocks away holding up a sign saying , " ANYTHING HELPS . " I 'd seen this guy before . He was a part of the backpacking troubadours wandering through Richmond lately . When I saw him , I immediately thought of the vegan pasta in my fridge and my birthday money . I knew exactly where the majority of the backpackers were stationed , right by the ATM . I packed up a good deal of pasta in a tupperware container , warmed it in the microwave , grabbed a fork , and set off for the ATM . I was nervous as fuck . I 'm really intimidated by anyone new , but these were people I admired a good deal . I mean , you can first identify them by their backpacks and all - over brownness . They are grody in a way that I love . They have dogs on worn - out leashes with bandanas around their necks . And let me tell you , these dogs are not depressed to be backpackers . They are overjoyed . The backpacking troubadours care about them . The backpackers take them on walks all the time and they love the dogs in a way that most suburbanites cannot understand . I should also explain that the backpackers are troubadours because they all have some form of an instrument and they play on the streets to earn their money . You see a few guitars , a musical handsaw that is bowed ( yes , like amiina and yes , it sounds incredible and yes , Matthew the handsaw player does let other people try it out ) and an alto saxophone and singers and a shaker . And they are determined . I stared at them from a couple of sidewalk squares away for a few minutes , too timid to approach them , but they definitely saw me staring , so I couldn 't chicken out . I walked away and slipped a fifteen into their open saxophone case and they asked , " Would you like to hear a song ? ! " I replied , " Yeah ! " They asked , " What kind of song do you want to hear ? ! " And I said , " A good one ! " So they started playing . I felt awkward standing in front of them for the serenade , so I sat down with them like a few other interested passers - by had . Their sign said , " Dog In Hospital . Anything Helps . " I stayed for a few songs , which they played energetically . I watched them try to woo passers - by , but it 's hard for them to even get college kids to stop because most are apathetic or maybe shy like me , and most don 't want to part with their money . Sometimes they get frustrated with the people who ignore them , but mostly they just keep playing . Between songs , they sometimes asked me questions . What 's my name ? Where am I from ? Do I live here ? Do I go to school here ? I offered up the pasta , which Matthew , Adam the guitarist , and a few others happily ate with many compliments and shared a bit with one of their dogs . What am I going to school for ? Am I vegan ? Adam was vegan for a long time . Matthew scooted over to sit next to me and asked me more questions . " You know , that sign is true . " Turns out , one guy 's dog is in the hospital . He contracted Hepatitis A from eating some fish so his eyes are all yellow and he 's in the hospital and they don 't know how much his treatment will cost until he 's actually done in there . How old am I ? Have I ever been to Pittsburgh ? Philly is Matthew 's town because the black ladies love him . One of the dogs who wasn 't in the hospital came up and gave my face a good licking . Secret : I don 't mind when dogs lick my face , but I never know what to do . They played a song about a pretty girl who they wished had dirt on her face , hair on her legs , greasy hair , and a stench about her . They sang about fighting the government . They sang about being houseless but not homeless . I couldn 't stop smiling . Eventually , they began to stand up , I assumed to leave , so I shook some hands and left feeling mighty happy , but also a bit sad deep down . It wasn 't because I pitied them , but it was more because I wished I could have helped them out more by giving them a place to sleep and giving them more food and giving them more money . And I kind of envied their lifestyle . Fighting the system . They 're doing something . I 'm just sitting here so comfortably . They have everything they need and nothing more , and they have all the friends they could ever want . The only reason I 'd have a hard time taking up their lifestyle is because I have a problem asking for help . But I could learn to play the bells and join another pack of backpacking troubadours . Someday . I 'll start planning now . Until then , I feel the need to document biking adventures for people who are considering investing in a bike . I 'm new to the whole thing , too , so I 'm just going to share my own experience . You can 't really take my word as The Word . But I 'd be more than happy if you 'd share tips or your own experiences with me ! I 'm currently obsessed with biking for many reasons , one of which being my lack of hunger for candy . Another of which being that waiting for the VCU Campus Connector bus really blows sometimes . I prefer to take the fate of my timeliness into my own hands . I purchased my bike , named Ponyta for no apparent reason other than the fact that Virginia thought it was appropriate , at Bunnyhop Bike Shop on West Grace Street . Before I made my purchase , however , I checked out Re - cycles on West Cary Street and one other place on Main Street , near Carytown . I guess you could say that it 's on the way to Carytown . Since I 'm easily intimidated , Bunnyhop was the place for me just because the staff guy was helpful , friendly , and also … they a bike in my price range , which I fell in love with right away because it was so cute . Ponyta is a green AMF Voyager with a basket and a bell and the kind of brakes where you petal backwards . If you see her around , you should thread a note into the basket saying that I 'm a sexy vegan because SOMEone did that last week , and I don 't know who it was , except that I 've eliminated about five people . Secret anonymous notes have serious potential to make my day . Anyway , I started by riding on the sidewalk , which is apparently illegal in Richmond , but I have ridden past the cops on my bike on the sidewalk about ten thousand times , and they 've never done anything to prohibit me from this activity . If they did , then I think that would be very anal . They 're probably more worried about legitimate problems like muggings and maybe shoplifting . Plus , I saw a biking cop riding on the sidewalk . So I think it 's okay . But if you 've ever walked on the sidewalk in Richmond , you 'll notice that they are very uneven , and the brick ones are extremely bumpy . This is not only fairly dangerous , but it also makes progress pretty slow and requires strict concentration if you want to get anywhere . It 's also common sense that if you want to maintain control of your bike while you 're going over any bikes , standing up briefly makes it far more tolerable . For the record , my bike is a one - speed and I think it 's actually a kids ' bike . Because I am lamely kid - sized . But you know how gear bikes make clicking noises while you 're not pedaling ? Well , my bike is silent except when I go over bumps , in which case , it sounds like a shopping cart . I think that 's why I have a bell , but I feel like an asshole ringing it at pedestrians . Hi , here 's a cheerfuck " Fuck You " and by the way , get out of my way . Pedestrians prefer if you ride in the street , and drivers prefer if you ride on the sidewalk . It is a no - win situation . For now , I ride generally ride on the sidewalk to get to main campus and I ride mostly in the street to get back to the other campus . To get to Carytown , it 's fine to ride in the street on Main . There 's enough room and it 's so much quicker that way . I have rules of thumb regarding riding my bike between classes , too . If it is between ten till and o ' clock , I walk my bike to my destination because the sidewalks are so crowded with students getting out of and going to classes that it 's hard to keep from hitting anyone . If it is any other time , then I can manage to ride . I just think it 's kind of a courtesy and a safety thing because lots of pedestrians are unaware . It 's a dick move to ride on the sidewalk with so many pedestrians . It 's like you 're breathing down their necks . For me , I think pedestrians are so cute and predictable , so fragile that you need to look out for their slow selves . Drivers , though , are generally assholes to bikers , just as they are sometimes to pedestrians . In my little experience , I guess you just have to hold your ground if you have the right of way and if you 're riding in the street . When I 've done that , I 've had no problem . Lack of assertiveness has created problems , though . Drivers just need to respect that ground and not get impatient because really ? It 's not going to make them any more late to have to be able to wait to pass a bike . Also notable : I am gaining muscle pretty rapidly . First of all , my thighs , which normally have no substance , are gaining a little muscle and I can tell when I sit down and pedal because my pants are tighter right there . And for some reason , I am feeling my biceps building up probably not because of actual riding , but maybe because of lifting my bike on and off of bike racks and up and down curbs because I can 't hop . Ponyta herself is light , but she is heavy when I have my Deutschbuch and assorted notebooks and novels . The rest of my body seems to be very gradually evening out because with physical activity , I 'm not so tempted to binge on candy and other unhealthy snacks . I haven 't bought Sour Patch Watermelons for so long . Instead , I regularly crave salad and cranberry juice and pasta . And biking makes me tired but gives me motivation to get off my ass and work to get food . I like this . I like Son , Ambulance because they 're one of the more subtly sexual but beautiful bands I started listening to in my mid - teens . By this , I mean that there is some sex in most every song , but that instead of being raunchy , it 's more like a distant but fond memory , kind of nostalgic and never dirty . Listening to Saddle Creek bands often make me wish I could go back and be in high school , specifically sophomore or junior year where I was attempting to find myself but couldn 't do it in a sea of people who really didn 't give a shit . But I was glad to have a few misfits along with me who cared enough to invite me when they wanted to run around suburbia completely confused and confined , trying to trample some form of oppression but not completely knowing what it was . We were melancholy but happy together . Days like these remind me of the first time I saw Garden State , Kill Bill , and when I started watching Scrubs . They remind me of when I started listening to good music , started giving a shit about current events . The day I decided to give up meat permanently . The moment I sold my soul to Bright Eyes . Playing Emogame and feeling glad that someone else cared . Renouncing religion and feeling fine with it . And now , it seems like I 've stopped revolting against the " system " so much , but those were just the futile beginnings . I mean that it seemed so essential to conform to something , even a strict brand of nonconformity , in order to live the life I wanted and get the reaction I needed . I know you 're probably thinking that kids who lived in the suburbs of Richmond , aka Short Pump - the haven of the young upper - middle class , capitalists and consumerists to the core - were hardly oppressed . And as a bunch of white ( or white - looking ) youths who lived in big houses and went to the largest and " greatest " school in the county , I would probably have to agree with you for the most part . There was pressure to conform to the status quo , but that could be satiated by conforming to a different status quo . But I would say that capitalism and consumerism are forms of oppression , despite the fact that they 're generally directly connected to affluence and having means of buying things . Like money . Like the transportation to get there . They 're oppression in that they expect something of you and demand so much from you and the people around you . They 're illusions and they often get in the way , making it so difficult to find anyone who gives a shit about the things in life that actually matter . Books , love , fucking , real knowledge , honest music . Other people . Bright Eyes still takes up a good percentage of my iPod . Even if Cassadaga was a disappointment and even if Conor Oberst and the Mystic Valley Band isn 't nearly the same . Man , Bright Eyes sounds so good to me right now . Refreshing and comforting . This is my first roll of Diana + Dreamer film . I exposed it a little before I started , while I was loading , because it confused the fuck out of me . I am a n00b , but now I know . Also , I want to give you a song as a peace offering . It was warm yesterday and this song came on at the bus stop . On beautiful days , I 'm extremely open to listening to music that I haven 't tested yet , whereas on dreadful days , I prefer comforting familiars . It 's been on my computer for probably forever , but it really struck me as something else , you know ? It 's almost as though it 's from a different era . It 's a weird listen , but not displeasing . Today , two friends and I journeyed to Carytown , because apparently it hit a high of 70 degrees Fahrenheit here , which is sweet . It was a nice walk , and I got to ride a bike part of the way . I love riding bikes , and I love bike riders . It 's a problem . While we were in town , we hit up Richmond Camera to pick up my film . The people there are always helpful , not snobbish like you may expect artistic people to be . We also went to Smoothie King for sick smoothies and then Bang - on to browse . See , I got this HP Pavilion Entertainment PC and it 's sweet . So smooth . I like HPs because they look smooth and they run smoothly . They have the aesthetic value and the performance value . And this one is fast . I like that . Okay , so move - in . I moved into VCU yesterday . I 'm so glad I have a nice room - mate . I guess for both of us , it was just get - in , get - all - your - crap - in , and get - out , so we didn 't really get to talk , but I did get to meet her family , which was cool . That took a bunch of stress away . However , she left immediately to go home until Tuesday , so this would have left me all alone . I considered manning it up and spending the night alone in the dorm last night , but I wanted to spend as much time as possible with my mom and little sister before they left Richmond , so I decided to stay in the hotel with them last night . Today , I 'm spending time at my dad 's house , and then tonight , I 'll spend the night in my room and stuff because my dad 's leaving for California tomorrow for the week . And then this week , I suppose I 'll spend a lot of time on my computer getting to know where to go , as well as a lot of time on foot just exploring the campus . I 'm at a bit of a disadvantage with my room - mate not being here , because I would have probably wanted to explore the city with her and get to know her and such , but that 's where my good old high school senior buddies come in . The only thing I really feel uncomfortable with right now is all this free time I 've got . Classes start on Thursday , but until then , we really get to roam around and do basically whatever we want . There are no instructions or real orientation plans , and it 's unnerving . Right now , my major concerns are : 1 . What 's up with the bus systems ? Where are the bus stops ? What times do the buses come ? Is it free ? How do I pay for it ? Can I start using it all today ? How far apart are the MCV and Monroe Park campuses ( because I reside on the MCV campus , but my classes will all be on the Monroe Park one ) and could I realistically walk to my classes , because I think that would be great ? I 'm not even that worried about meeting people at this point . I 'm just worried about getting to where I need to be . I mean , when I get up tomorrow morning , someone else on my floor will have to be in the bathroom , too . And I can say hi and introduce myself then . Forced situations are great . I would risk salmonella for a juicy , ripe tomato right now . Tomatoes remind me of Brent and what he lied to me about . Actually , he didn 't lie . He joked . First , I need to introduce you to The Body Shop . I experienced this lovely store for the first time yesterday while I was at Short Pump Town Center with Divya . It was BEAUTIFUL not only because of the causes they support ( animal rights , human rights , protecting the planet ) , but because they also filled my crazy francophile need for French . Their products have French names under the English name and there 's even a beautiful , BEAUTIFUL canvas bag with their missions in French on one side and in English on the other . While I am normally against buying bags because I can make my own in a jiffy for a fraction of the price ( or sometimes free ) , I would have bought that bag if I 'd had money because I believe a certain amount was to be donated to a good cause . I cannot find it on the interwebs , though . You know , at first glance . But then when you think about it , this dinosaur shirt is an exclusive club . You have to be vegetarian to wear it or else you 're a hypocrite . And I 've been against those sorts of shirts since my elementary school days , when Limited Too had sports shirts and shorts and I fit into none of the categories they provided because I was a bookworm , not an athlete goddamnit . Also , you 're taking credit for being vegetarian . You are advertising , " I am a better person than you are because I do not eat animals . Street cred . " But you don 't see " vegan " shirts at Delia 's , probably because veganism is a bit too radical . Then you get into their other green shirts . You 've got Snoopy , arguably my favourite comic character , lounging on top of his dog house , and underneath , it says , " Save our planet . " Horton sticks in his head to remind us that " every voice counts . " A shirt proclaims , " Make art not war . " There 's this Omni Peace 2025 tee shirt with Africa posing as a hand , and there are fingers forming a peace sign above it . I have grown to dislike the exploitation of cartoon characters . Well , good cartoon characters like Snoopy , where the creators are dead and can 't prevent the exploitation . Snoopy probably doesn 't give much of a shit about saving the planet , and Horton doesn 't care whether or not we vote . My sister , for example , who owns this shirt , is all about " peace and love and no dramaramamama " around her friends , but at home she is a belligerent person and she knows nothing at all about Africa . She would probably have a fairly difficult time locating it on a globe . She doesn 't give a shit about Omni Peace 2025 . She bought the shirt probably because one of her friends said they thought it was " cute . " In fact , she probably doesn 't even know that it 's promoting Omni Peace 2025 . She probably doesn 't even realize it 's Africa . I 'm not saying I 'm more intelligent than she is , but when I say I support a cause , I do . And I research it thoroughly until I 'm fairly well - informed , and then I attempt to inform other people . It 's just hard to inform people about animal rights or child labour or anything without it being against their will , because they are so unwilling to admit that they are at fault , even if I 'm just trying to help them change their ways . And when it is voluntary , when they do ask , I can 't make a lasting impression on them . I mean , I 'm fucking guilty , guilty as the next person , maybe more so depending on who you are , but at least I 'm willing to change . And here 's the thing : This " green " movement has got to inform people better . I like where it 's started , but it needs to expand . It shouldn 't just encourage them to buy hypocritically green shirts . It 's got to make them think about the welfare of others . I 'm not just talking about future generations , because even that is a fairly selfish motivation . I mean that we have to reach out to the people around us who are still alive today . People and animals . You would like to think we 're all so different , but we have more in common than you 'd know , and we could have more in common if you 'd just stop and think and listen and go a bit out of your way right now to find out some new tidbits of information . Since I got here on Saturday , I 've been having regrets about consenting to go to college in Richmond , where drivers are assholes and everyone hates you automatically until you do something nice for them . I love Lewisburg because it 's quaint and people are kind and you make friends fairly rapidly ( I say that because moving to Richmond in second grade made me a depressed lump of lard because I had no friends , as opposed to moving to Lewisburg , which made me a happy lump of lard because I have friends ) . But now , I 'm thinking that Richmond might need someone with the insight of a small - town person , so maybe I shouldn 't be as scared as I am . No , I didn 't fit in with the fashionable beautiful people at Rilo Kiley . But I guess I hope I never do , because then I 'd lose my mission and I would be blissfully ignorant . Can you backtrack from enlightenment ? I don 't think you can .
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Every few months I flip back through my journal to read and reflect . Sometimes I surprise myself . Sometimes I 'm able then to recall things I 'd otherwise forgotten had happened . Mostly I 'm able to see how much things are changing , and how much I am changing too . I 'll share a couple of the less personal excerpts , and ones that don 't identify particular individuals . I imagine this will relay in a different way the things I experience here . " He asked me if , in America , I had learned to read or if it was natural . Amused at the thought of Nasaras { white people and / or foreigners } being born with the ability to read where Burkinabè must go out of their way if they 'll ever learn , I explained that in the U . S . most of us start learning around 5 years old . That all happened exactly a week ago , and I 'm contemplating the question more this morning than ever . Behind the humor , he 's right . It is , more or less , a natural process for Americans . It 's normal - it just happens . It may be hard work for teachers and parents , and many kids may fall through the cracks , but overall it 's the natural way of things - that a Nasara will know how to read and a Burkinabè villager may not . And THAT isn 't funny ; it 's injustice . " " The CSPS { health clinic } is busy today . It 's also market day . I hypothesized that maybe the two were related , although I have no evidence because it 's something that just came to mind and I 've never tried to observe it before . Reasons could include that coming from 12km away is long , but on market day you can kill two birds with one stone - bring your sick child and do your market shopping ( or selling ) . { In Nassoulou , the CSPS and the market are close by eachother . } Anyway so I 'm sitting with Marso now , and Madame walked in . The CSPS is full of sick today , right Alima ? , she told me instead of asked . I took the opportunity , and particularly the chance to have two sets of listening ears ( Marso 's and Madame 's ) to ask my question - the relationship , if any , betwren market day and CSPS traffic . Madame didn 't really answer I guess , and was on her way out . But before the thought left the air I caught it , asking Marso more directly . She answered , and gave me a perspective I hadn 't previously seen the issue from . I wouldn 't have , I guess , because maybe I don 't understand ( yet , if ever ) the depth of poverty here . She told me that yes , the CSPS is busier on market days . On other days , someone wouldn 't have the money to pay for the medicine , so on market day they come , they sell some stuff just until they have enough money - and then they come buy medicine for their child . I 'm asking myself now to what extent that is true and frequent . It 's hard to believe , but I guess why wouldn 't it be like that ? Marso was explaining the reality . It hurts . My whole life seems to hurt right now . " " I went to work on time for once - making a special effort to do so - but no , bad idea . I 'm back home sitting on the bed . I 'll go back soon and hopefully we 'll start ( baby measuring ) . " " Little heartwarming moments . This guy with fast speech and a rough smoker voice trying to talk to me at the bar . This is normally a " don 't even try too hard to understand him " situation . I 'll probably like him more if I don 't know what he 's trying to tell me . But he 's with his wife - ( first time I 've ever seen husband / wife drinking a beer together in Nassoulou ) . The wife " talks to me " through the husband . He asked the question they always ask first , but when he asked it was different somehow . So I told him yes I have a husband . He said that 's what he thought but his wife was saying when she saw me she knew I wasn 't married . Actually throughout the conversation his wife was always " wrong " about things she was actually right about . I felt a sudden pang of guilt , remorse . But I guess that 's how it goes , right ? Wife 's always wrong but somehow - how ? - so right . I tried to say something that could give the wife some points . " But I don 't have any kids ! " Then the guy started saying a bunch of stuff I couldn 't understand . Seeing he was insistent I understand , and after him saying again , " Wait you do speak Mooré right ? " and me saying , in Mooré of course as the whole conversation had been , " Yes , a little ! " … so I told him , okay talk slowly . He started again … No ! , I said slowly . So he said it slowly then finally . Like magic I understood . " May God bless you with a child . " The wife said I was a doctor at the CSPS . I said I 'm not a doctor ( point for husband ) , but I live and help at CSPS ( point for wife ) . She weighs babies , the wife told the husband to tell me . Oh yes , yes I do I said . The husband said I needed to eat better / more . Why was I on my phone with the plate of rice in front of me only half gone ? Eat a lot , he said . And have a baby and breastfeed ! All sound ideas , thank you sir . When they were leaving he stood his wife in front of me and complained that she wasn 't big enough . Doctor feed her ! The wife was timid and embarassed , her standing while we looked on and commented on her size . Your wife is perfectly big , I insisted - which was true . She was tall and heavy - but only to a healthy degree , how a fit person might become fat a bit in their fatigued old age . No quesrion was she strong and healthy , and cozy in bed too . Poor woman . But she smiled away all the shots . Her sanity , I knew , depended on it . Although the conversation felt long to me , because it was all in Mooré , and holy moly I could understand all of this in Mooré ? ! it was really like five minutes . Burkinabè drink a relaxing beer ( and bottles are double the American size ) faster than any others I 've met . Their normal is my pre - game chug . The next guy came in . Alone , just him . Still drinking fast . Still asking me about my husband and kids and why no kids ? He asked if I wanted 1 or 2 . Three I told him , being contrarian by nature , and so he wasn 't right about Nasaras / Westerners wanting just 1 or 2 . He 's the kind of guy with a warm face and careful way of talking and he 's safe and not creepy . His smile it is . And his dirty work clothes and expensive boots . He 's hard working and spends his money from rice cultivating over a cold beer every couple weeks . He was maybe even faster than the wrong wife and her embarassing husband . Nindare ! Then they make comment I don 't understand and I do the uhuuuh , the noise they do when the mean " yeah ! " . By now I 've convinced them that I understand everything perfectly and they leave smiling , two steps away muterring under their breath " Oh Nasara … " Boom , I made their day . " PSA to everyone in my life : I live in Ann Arbor , in a big beautiful house with 9 beautiful women . My bedroom is modest but nice . It 's not fully unpacked yet , but that 's okay . You ( every one of you ) are welcome to come over whenever you want ! It 's something I loved so much about Senegal and will miss dearly : it 's not expected , and even can be rude , to ask to come over . Don 't wait for someone to invite you over : they won 't . And if you want to go over , don 't ask . Just go ! If that means you are over every day , okay that 's fine . If that means you come over when your friend isn 't home - okay , fine , turn on the TV . If that means you come over when your friend is sleeping - okay , nicely wake him up , or not , but you can stay and hangout . You can treat my bedroom like a Senegalese one , if you want . Stop by ! If I 'm busy with something important I 'll make just a little time for you , but you can still eat some food and chill while I continue my work . I 'm sure just about none of you will take me up on this offer , but it 's honestly there - if you show up at my house unannounced and ask for a drink and snack I will love you for it . I 've been home for ten days now and I finally feel like I am able to reflect on my time in Senegal and leaving Senegal . For the first week , it felt sort of like I was physically back in Michigan , but not necessarily emotionally . I still thought thoughts in French . For the first week , when I woke up in the mornings in my bed at home , I had to re - realize that I wasn 't in Senegal anymore . It was always the saddest part of my day . Often I would come close to crying . Once I did . I realized today in the shower , ( where all my best thoughts come ) , that my four months in Senegal and my next four months over this summer spent in Ann Arbor , are perfect opposites when it comes to many things relating to independence . That 's a confusing sentence I know . What I mean is that , for example , in Senegal I had no control over what I ate , for the first time since I was young . Now , in Ann Arbor , for the first time in my life , I have 100 % control over what I eat ; I buy groceries and cook all my own meals . In Senegal , for the first time in a long time , I had to be home by a certain time . I kind of had to announce when I was coming and going . I had to be respectful of the family . But now in Ann Arbor , for the first time , I have literally no rules and no one watching over me , ( except my dearest roommates like Megan and Kelly of course ) . Even last year in the sorority house I had a house mom , and there were certain rules ( ie : no boys over past midnight , etc . ) It 's a weird transition is all I 'm saying . The reverse culture shock is real . Although I feel comfortably adjusted back to life in Michigan now finally , I also realized that some of me will never go back to normal . Waly had told me upon leaving Senegal that this would be a good thing . Senegal did change me , and it would be sad and stupid to think it didn 't . Some changes include : I have always known that I am privileged to be an American . I have somewhat understood this privilege too . I 've known for a long time that people all over the world dream of coming to America , the land of milk and honey . The dreamland . I used to feel sentiments like this : Oh , if only they knew the problems we have here ! It 's true , of course we have problems in the U . S . ( One journal entry I wrote in Senegal included a list proving a new theory I have about all countries having an exact equal amount of " bullshit " , just manifested in unique ways . ) But after my experience in Senegal , I realize that America really is quite a dreamland . Of course it 's easy for me to say that , being an educated , upper - middle class , white woman . However , in general , with enough effort ( more is required for some populations perhaps ) you really can be successful . Or maybe it 's safer just to talk about myself : I have realized that for me , American privilege means that if I want something enough I can have it . This realization has amped up my work ethic . After meeting a hundred brilliant people in Senegal who want a job and can 't get one , I realized that I need to take advantage of the privilege and fact that there are so many jobs out there and I need to go get one ! I actually recently got two . The first one I will talk about later in this post . The second one is at Tim Hortons , less than a three minute walk from my house ; my first day is tomorrow . Beyond new realizations , Senegal also has left me with a lot of questions . It 's good - there are many things I will continue to think about and educate myself on . The hardest transition of all upon coming home was with Yama . In Senegal , Yama and I were best friends with a side of romance . It 's been hard dealing with the " side of romance " now that I am here . We aren 't dating . And I think we are the kind of people who really can just be great friends for the rest of our lives and nothing else . But he means so much to me , it 's crazy really , and the side of romance has been really hard not to bring in my carryout box back to the U . S . I trust that God will handle the situation and show me what , ahem who , he wants for me . Senegal has made me very patient . My main job I have , and the reason I am in Ann Arbor , is a research job . I meet with my boss and co - investigator in Ann Arbor , but the research is done in Detroit . The project is really huge , and I would love to tell you more about it if you ask . Basically I will be interviewing immigrants from sub - Saharan Africa who live in Detroit . We want to learn all about their experiences , but specifically will approach those who have started their own business or have influenced specific social circles . As an example , my main task is to interview African immigrants who have started hair braiding salons . ( From preliminary research today I found that these women are largely Senegalese ! Which is beyond exciting . I will certainly floor them with my Wolof . ) My co - investigator is starting by interviewing taxi drivers . We will create a public website with the results . It seems so far that this job is a perfect transition from my life in Senegal to my life here . I am interacting with Senegal as intimately as possible without actually being there . This intimate interaction with Senegal also comes through my daily conversations with Yama and Sadikh , and also my Wolof lessons from Yama . We had our first very official Wolof lesson today . Guys , it was by far the best post - Senegal moment of my life . Yama 's patience is unmatched , and we can communicate and fully understand each other all the time , against all odds . We use a free international application called Viber , but we use the voice message feature . Honestly it 's perfect for language lessons ! I hear his voice speak the phrases , and he hears mine and makes sure I say it well … but it 's better than a phone call because I can replay the message over and over again . Tomorrow I will go back and review the stuff I learned from him today . I help him with English too , like yesterday when I corrected an essay he wrote about his academic life . We have a perfect system and beautiful friendship . Beyond Wolof , I also work on my French every day with Rosetta Stone now . I want to get fluent in French of course , but what really motivated me to start was the fact that by the end of Senegal I had gotten really comfortable speaking French and I didn 't want to lose that . Rosetta Stone is obviously amazing . My parents bought it for me in 2011 ( but I really haven 't used it ) , and Senegal taught not to take things like that for granted because not everyone can learn a language if only they want to hard enough . I read again for fun , currently Divergent . I drink smoothies for breakfast . I scribble out plans in my agenda because it 's therapeutic , even though before I would never do that because it 's not " neat " . I let people come in my room even if it 's messy . Any of ya 'll can wear my clothes . Eat my food and drink my drinks . I give stuff away even if " but maybe I would use it some day " . I cuddle with my globe pillow and let other people too , even though before it was my prized possession only for the shelf . I notice little changes in myself now . They 're good . Learning Wolof : Maangi sama negg di naan tey . I 'm sitting in my room drinking tea . ( My favorite phrase from my lesson with Yama today . ) Today we took a boat to Gorée Island and it was breathtakingly beautiful . Since I have now seen the House of Slaves on Gorée island and have already seen the Elmina Castle in Ghana , I 've stood in the exact place so many did who came to the Americas as slaves . The emotions are hard to describe . We watched a compelling , interesting movie in class , largely about factors outside Africa that are responsible for the failures within . My favorite part of the day was throwing my lunch up ; I felt instant relief and was back to feeling 100 % by morning . I think it was the beef . Yama and I took the bus to the zoo today , and although I usually dislike zoos , I had the time of my life . Yama 's the kind of person you would have the time of your life with even if you were picking up trash on the highway . At night , after Yama , Sadikh , and Mohamed bought me some amazing gelato , we and several Toubabs ( what the Senegalese call white foreigners , endearingly ) in my program went to a bar / club and we drank expensive drinks and danced our hearts out . Today I spent time with the children in my extended family , coloring and playing cards , and helping take Khadija 's braids out . We had 10 people around our lunch bowl instead of our usual three or four , even though the bowl remains the same size regardless of how many hands are sharing it . You feed whoever happens to be at the house when meal time arrives .
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Happy New Year everyone ! No navel gazing today . There are always more than plenty of that to go around this time of the year . I saw a meme on Facebook yesterday that said something along the lines of ' I can 't believe it 's been a whole year since I 've become a better person . ' ' Nuff said ! No lectures , no reflections , no romps down memory lane . This year I 'm beginning a new New Years Eve tradition because everyone deserves the gift of bad poetry from their friends . And if it 's bad poetry you want , well I 'm your girl . And my wish for you all is that you see the old year out with whatever your version of a good hearty navel gaze may be , and after that 's all sorted , that you see the New Year coming . Get all four Travati Brothers in one low - priced boxed set . The sexy Travati Brothers Justin , Leo , Anthony , and Devon and the women who tame them are in one boxed set and for a * LIMITED * time the Travati Brother Bad Boy Eligible Billionaire Series is only 6 . 99 ! Read A Forever Love , A Billionaire for Christmas , A Convenient Arrangement and A Forbidden Love . Enjoy each luscious love story of these Bad Boy Travati Brother Billionaires ! Justin Travati didn 't have a son . In his twenties he 'd been as diligent about preventing accidental reproduction as he was with takeovers and acquisitions , and he was damned good about due diligence in deals . Now , years later , children weren 't an option . His hard stare pulled away from the Manhattan skyline outside his office window and flicked toward his computer screen . His eyes traveled the words strung together in the e - mail . Impossible . The correspondence had to be a prank , a hoax , a way to extort money from him for whatever ill - conceived plan this person named Max had . Impossible . Utterly incomprehensible . He pushed the button on his speakerphone . " Liza , get me Roger in security . Tell him I need him now . " Without listening for his assistant 's response , he clicked the Off button . Again , for the fourth time , he read the words sent from someone claiming to be his son with the name Maxwell Hayes . He clicked on the address . MHayes @ RockwaterFarms . net . What the hell was Rockwater Farms ? With swift finger strokes across the keyboard , Justin searched . His eyes ate up the results . A picture of rolling hills , an enormous red barn , wheat , livestock , and a restaurant … the best restaurant between Chicago and San Francisco . Which wasn 't saying much . The middle of the country was a wasteland of repressed , unimaginative people . But this place … He scrolled . Then clicked on the Team button . The chef , Nina Hayes ; her father , the founder of Rockwater Farm ; and the CEO … A . Hayes . One night . How old had the boy in the e - mail said he was ? He clicked back to the correspondence . Counted the years in his mind … clicked back to the picture of Aubrey . Older now , but no less beautiful . He guessed no less feisty and no less self - righteous than she 'd been fifteen years before . A sigh crossed his lips . Justin pressed the button on his speakerphone . " Liza , book me dinner at The Red Barn at Rockwater Farms . Once we have a date then clear my schedule and call the pilots . " His gaze remained locked on Aubrey 's eyes . It would seem there was something interesting in Kansas after all . Maggie Marr is the author of contemporary romance and women 's fiction . She writes smart , sexy , women and the men they love . She got her start in Hollywood pushing the mail cart at ICM , but quickly rose through the ranks to become a motion picture literary agent . As well as writing , she maintains a boutique legal practice dedicated to the needs of creatives & entrepreneurs . She is the current President of Los Angeles Romance Authors ( LARA ) and legal adviser to the Women 's Fiction Writers Association ( WFWA ) . Maggie loves all things pop culture and when she isn 't taking care of her clients or writing she can be found reading , chasing kids , or exercising her rescue pup For a * LIMITED * time Get five Bad Boy Eligible Billionaires for one ultra low price ! Meet Cole , Tristan , Nick , Ryan , and Trevor . Jet set from South America , to L . A . from the exotic resort of Mesquale to France , with a media mogul , corporate raider , real estate tycoon , resort owner , and restaurant heir . Each Bad Boy Billionaire is shockingly sexy both in and out of the bedroom . Enjoy all five of the Bad Boy Eligible Billionaires ! For Cole Jackson only one response answered Meg 's question : Yes . Every conquest was the outcome of a hard - fought battle , every win the results of a decimated other side , every challenge more difficult than the last . Otherwise , what was the point ? With ease came softness and with softness a swift defeat . Cole yanked at the knot of his cobalt blue tie , tired of the daylong stranglehold . On the far side of his office window , night sucked away the last light of day as the sweltering orange sun surrendered to the Pacific . The streaks of pink , orange , and fuchsia that decorated the sky failed to captivate Cole . He could witness such displays of color on any horizon , in any city , on any night - so why waste time with this sunset ? Cole reached for the crystal decanter stationed on the bar in his office . His pour was generous and neat . Amber liquid shimmered in the final rays of the sun . He sipped the bourbon . Heat slid down his throat , but the liquor didn 't scorch him nearly as much as the woman who , after a six - month absence , now stood in his office . Meg Parson 's voice was brighter and lighter than the curves of her body would suggest . She shifted her weight and her hip teased forward against her suit skirt . The outline of bone against taut fabric taunted Cole with hints of lace panties . In a careless moment his gaze roamed over her legs , caressed her skirt , and brushed over the outline of her breasts . Hunger for Meg clutched his belly and twisted hard . Cole turned toward the ocean and the unwatched sunset - away from Meg . Better to feign interest in the blossom of color on the horizon than to indulge his desires to stare at his colleague and former assistant . In the three years she 'd worked for him , Meg made herself indispensable , and he had been fool enough to let her become a necessity . She knew everything about him - from the way he took his coffee down to his shoe size . She ran his business affairs seamlessly . He leaned on her . Depended on her . Cole even began to need her and needing anyone was intolerable . To need a person was to appear weak . Need allowed vulnerability to take root . Need was the end of strength . No , to need Meg was completely unacceptable . " Of course I 'll hold . " Meg covered the mouthpiece and her blue eyes sparkled with the thrill of the deal . " Why didn 't we use your landline ? " Cole 's heart quickened as Meg 's excitement spilled over to him . Cole sipped his drink and watched Meg over the top of his glass . This time , her proximity , and not the bourbon , seared through him . Cole 's eyes traced the porcelain curve of Meg 's neck as she twirled a piece of hair between her thumb and pointer finger . Well , the other thing wasn 't for sale , nor was it negotiable . Office dalliances weren 't Cole 's style and neither was a long - term commitment . Meg was the type of woman who required he break both rules , and Cole preferred his relationships exactly as they 'd been for the past decade : hot , fast , and disposable . This deal was Meg 's baby , and once it was consummated Cole would have to promote Meg . If he waited any longer another company would swoop in and grab her . One of his competitors might already be trying . Maggie Marr is the author of contemporary romance and women 's fiction . She writes smart , sexy , women and the men they love . She got her start in Hollywood pushing the mail cart at ICM , but quickly rose through the ranks to become a motion picture literary agent . As well as writing , she maintains a boutique legal practice dedicated to the needs of creatives & entrepreneurs . She is the current President of Los Angeles Romance Authors ( LARA ) and legal adviser to the Women 's Fiction Writers Association ( WFWA ) . Maggie loves all things pop culture and when she isn 't taking care of her clients or writing she can be found reading , chasing kids , or exercising her rescue pup Elizabeth Coltrane has given up on finding a man who will love her in spite of the physical and emotional scars she carries thanks to a mountain lion attack . When her father is murdered , she inherits Coltrane Corners . The only man she can trust to save her cattle ranch is the foreman she just fired … and the man she 's loved since she was a child . But can Elizabeth keep her desire for Chase under control and her heart safe as they work side by side every day ? Chase stepped past her and stood next to the buggy . " Everett sent me to fetch you home . Now if you 'd be so kind as to step aside , Miss Elizabeth , I 'd be happy to load your trunk in the back of the buggy . " " I 've been gone six years , and you haven 't changed a bit , have you ? Everything 's a big joke . You 're more infuriating than ever . " What was wrong with her ? She couldn 't keep the hateful words from tumbling out . " I 'd hoped you might have learned a few manners and social graces . But here you are , still a simple cowpoke . " " What can I say ? Once a donkey 's behind , always a donkey 's behind . " He threw her words back at her . " You know how things go when you spend your days chasin ' after cattle and ridin ' fences . A man can 't be expected to learn much in the way of social graces when he 's out mucking through pastures full of cow patties and horse dung . " She 'd finally pushed him too far , gotten a reaction from him that wasn 't served up with a smile . Elizabeth saw the hurt in his eyes , heard the anger in his voice . Her face heated with guilt . " I may have been overly crude when I called you simple and a donkey 's behi … Well , you know what I said . " She let her eyes drift down . She shouldn 't have spoken in anger . The insults weren 't very ladylike , but considering the way he 'd treated her in the past , she 'd truly thought he deserved the words … until she saw the hurt in his gaze . " No kidding . " His voice was low . " I 've tried to ignore your bad behavior since this is your first day back , but damnation , Elizabeth , when did you turn into such an uppity snob ? " " Pardon me ? " She tilted her head to one side . " I 'm not a snob . " Well , maybe she did sound a little snooty , but he was the one to blame for that . He brought out the worst in her . " I don 't - " Her eyes followed Chase as he sauntered back to the stagecoach in that don 't - rush - me cowboy way that always looked so darn good on him . Oh yes , years of hard work had definitely added plenty of muscle and strength to his broad shoulders . He picked up her heavy trunk as if it weighed less than a barn cat and carried the chest on one shoulder to the carriage without even breaking a sweat . He made quick work of securing the trunk , then he was back at her side , standing a bit too close for her liking . " You gonna let me escort you home or are you planning on walking ? " He glanced down at her feet and shook his head . He looked up , tipped his hat back , and scratched his forehead . " I can tell you right now , the fancy city boots you 're wearin ' aren 't gonna carry you very far . " Elizabeth weighed her options and wondered how she 'd managed to back herself into a corner so quickly . Of course she wasn 't going to walk all the way to the ranch , but she sure as heck wasn 't about to admit that to Chase . She couldn 't very well rent a horse from the livery - she wasn 't dressed suitably for riding . Maybe she 'd hire a carriage instead . " What a good idea . You go have your drink , and I 'll noodle on the subject a while longer . I 'll give you my answer when you return . " He was grumbling under his breath as he walked away . She heard him anyway . " Well , if this don 't beat all . Damn fickle woman . " Fickle ? She 'd show him fickle . " Oh , Chase , before you go , would you be kind enough to give me a lift up ? I 'd just as soon sit while I noodle . " Chase swung open the saloon doors , still riding high on the smile Elizabeth had offered . A smile more brilliant than a Texas sunrise and more embracing than a Texas sunset , he marveled . Instead of the braids she 'd worn as a child , her blonde hair was now pulled back in a tight chignon . Several whisper - thin tendrils had escaped , caressing the smooth looking skin of her face . His fingers itched to tuck the flyaway wisps of hair back behind her ears . Better yet , he wanted to toss the stupid hat , free the hair from its tight bun , and run his hands through the loose curls . Elizabeth confused him . He was drawn to her , yet she 'd been nothing but pure mean since she 'd stepped off the stage . But damned if a certain one of his body parts wasn 't about to embarrass him in the middle of Burt 's . What was he thinking ? Elizabeth was off - limits . She was right . He was nothing but a simple cowpoke . She deserved better . Hell , for all he knew , he 'd turn out like his pa a few years down the road . And what would her father think ? Everett was not only Chase 's boss and mentor , he 'd become his closest friend over the years . He 'd definitely want more than a simple cowpoke with bad blood in him for his daughter . Maybe when Chase 's ranch became successful , he 'd finally feel respectable . He pinched the bridge of his nose . Nope . Wasn 't gonna happen . Even when the ranch began producing , his past would haunt him . He 'd stick to his plan , one which didn 't include Elizabeth , or any other woman . Now all he had to do was convince his unruly body part of the fact . He ambled to the bar , ready for a drink , and hoping to put all thoughts of Elizabeth out of his mind . The piano wasn 't playing . Then again , it seldom was until evening when things livened up in town . This time of day , the only noise came from the loud voices and laughter at the table where a group of men were playing a rowdy hand of poker . The place smelled of stale tobacco and cheap perfume . Only two of Burt 's saloon hall girls were strutting their assets around . They were dressed in colorful , flesh - baring costumes and cheap boas . Chase thought of Elizabeth 's feathered hat and smiled . She 'd probably paid a fortune for the damned thing . He saddled up to the bar , with a grin still plastered across his face . " I don 't drink this piss - water . I just sell the stuff to fools like you . " Burt leaned in and sniffed . " So come on and tell me , what 's the pretty smell ? You 're wearing cologne , ain 't you ? Kinda reminds me of cloves . " " You 're all shaved , bathed , and wearing clean duds . " Burt stared at him for a moment . " Hell in a handbasket , you done gone and dusted off your Stetson . Something 's up . " " Well , if you gotta know , I 'm escorting the boss 's daughter home to Coltrane Corners . I thought maybe , since she 's been living back East for the last six years , she might not be appreciative of ridin ' alongside a dust - covered , unshaven , cattle - smelling ranch hand . " Simple cowpoke my ass . " Now if you 're done mindin ' my business , I 'd like to enjoy my whiskey in peace and quiet , and then be on my way . " " Of course I am . You don 't think I 'm gonna toss her over my horse 's back and ride away into the sunset with her , do you ? " Chase scrutinized Burt 's face and narrowed his eyes . " Why 're you asking ? " I had intended to bake gingerbread men for you lovely lot - you know something nice to share over our Christmas morning coffee . I 'd never done it before , but I thought it would be fun . As with the best made plans , the undertaking turned out to be a bit more of a challenge than I had expected . I found a recipe , made a grocery list and discovered that not a single grocery store in all Guildford had any ground ginger . Not one to be deterred , I decided to be a little more creative and make my gingerbread man fictional . I didn 't need ground ginger for that , and you can still have your Christmas morning coffee and enjoy my gingerbread man . The story is short , very sweet , and complete . Oh yes , and it 's plenty naughty . It might have been too much mulled wine , or perhaps a sugar high from eating damn near as much of my holiday baking as I … well as I baked . It might have been just a longing for a little bit of that holiday magic I remembered from my childhood . Whatever it was , on a whim , I decided to bake gingerbread men . I mean why should kids have all the fun . I was alone over the holiday and I had decided that I was going to make the best of it , that I was not going to feel sorry for myself . I was going to have a good time if it killed me , and that good time involved making , decorating , and eating gingerbread men . The recipe I found online not only promised that my ginger bread men would be tasty , but that they would also be chewy . My mouth watered at the thought . I had all the ingredients , and in my cupboard I found red hots for buttons , dried cranberries for lips and slivered almonds for eyes , plus I had several tubes of icing in primary colors all ready and waiting to spiff up those men when I took them out of the oven . The recipe was supposed to make sixteen gingerbread people - gender of your own choosing , but I never was great at following a recipe . I reckon they 're just guidelines anyway . Instead of the requisite sixteen biscuit boys , I opted for one giant , macho , gingerbread man , one that would fill the entire cookie sheet . By the time I had the dough mixed up , I 'd switched from mulled wine to Prosecco . Truth be told , most ginger bread men were entirely too unmanly for my taste . I intended to create a testosterone charged , hunk of a gingerbread man , one that would seriously make my mouth water and give me something to wrap my lips around . I wanted my big GBM - something that size had to have a name - to have bulging biceps . I 'm a commercial artist by trade because it pays the bills , but I 'm artsy fartsy by nature , and well - shaped biceps and decent pecs and abs sculpted from liberally - sampled ginger cookie dough were not beyond my artistic abilities . Strangely enough the more Prosecco I sipped , the more creative I became . In no time at all I decided GBM didn 't need red hots for buttons because GBM wasn 't going to wear a shirt . I was having visions of Magic Mike by the time I got down to GBM 's trousers . I had plans for a little blue frosting thong with just enough pouch to cover GBM 's junk . But then I decided maybe I didn 't want said junk covered . After all this was a private performance for an audience of one . " It 'll be much easier for me to eat you and taste your yummy gingery goodness without frosting , " I said to my creation . " Besides who needs all those extra calories ? " I could almost swear I heard a low throaty moan , but then more than likely it was my own . I raised my glass to my buffed biscuit boy feeling a bit like Dr . Frankenstein in her laboratory as I polished off the glass , rubbed my hands together and went to work on making sure GBM was … um … err … anatomically correct . When a girl has her hands on a man 's cock , and she gets the feel for it , the shape of it , the way it responds to her touch , well how can she not get a little wet , a little squirmy , a little hot and bothered , and who would have thought that was true even with a gingerbread cock ? I 'll admit I took time out from my efforts for a little browsing of the internet researching just exactly how I wanted GBM 's cock to look , making him wait on the table unformed and unfulfilled while I checked out schlongs online . I decided to go for heavy , somewhere in between flaccid and semi , resting languidly against GBM 's golden tan belly so as not to obscure the view of his weighty balls . I remember as a little girl secretly pretending that my Barbie and Ken were fucking , even though poor Ken didn 't have the equipment for the job . I only ever did that when my rather conservative mother wasn 't home , and even then I felt guilty . Not tonight though ! Tonight I felt empowered . Tonight was all about indulgence , all about my fucking pleasure , and here I was making it up to poor Ken by creating right proper , and proportionately substantial , bits for GBM , shaped to suit my very active fantasy life . For a long time now , my sex life had been solo , so my fantasies tended to be doozies . That meant I saw and heard sexual innuendo everywhere in everything , and eating a hot gingerbread man was just too delicious not to fantasize about . When I finally got down to serious hands - on with GBM 's meat and two veg , my buzz was way more than alcoholic . I was the queen , I was the creator , the dominatrix , I was GBM 's goddess and he lay before me passive and obedient to my will . And then the true artist in me came out . In my imagination , the feel of a cock became almost tactile . I imagined a man asleep not yet aroused to my touch . I imagined sliding close to him , under the blankets , all naked and needing , needing the feel of maleness - of maleness needing me back . In my mind 's eye , I traced the silken smoothness of hard growing beneath soft . I cupped the weighty sac , slightly cooler to the touch , full and tight , resting in my hand . My mouth watered anticipating the taste of maleness , ginger and spice and everything nice , everything so fucking nice . " Oh trust me , my little humunculous , you don 't want to run from me , not when I have your cock in my hand . Oh yes , I can see that smile on your face . You can 't fool me . I know what you want , and when I 've made it so hot you can 't stand it , I 'm going to eat you . " I would have considered taking a break to tuck my set of shiny love balls up inside me , to jiggle and tease me while I worked on my creation , but I couldn 't leave him alone in such an unsatisfied state . Instead I stood at the counter hunched over his prone body , shifting from foot to foot , pressing my thighs together . The heady smell of ginger and heat flaring my nostrils and filling my mouth with saliva as I touched and fondled and formed the cock of my dreams . Lust heated the kitchen far more than the oven did . Sweat trickled down my spine , and thoughts of Pygmalion , in love with his own creation , thoughts of breathing life into grain and spice , leavening and oil connected me to an age old story of wanting , needing to create something to love , something that would love me back , something that I knew intimately because I had touched him as no one else had or ever would . Even in my state of arousal , my state of need , I found myself waxing all Biblical to GBM , with my slightly enebriated , more than a little bit self - centered version of Psalm 139 . In the heat , I had shed my shirt and jeans , standing before my man in my red Christmas knickers and bra with a sprig of mistletoe in my damp hair , anticipating some serious mouth action when GBM was complete . At last , pleased with the shape of him , I got down on my knees and tuck him on his non - stick surface into the oven raising my arms to the heavens as I shut the oven door and steamed the glass all but shouting , " live , damn you ! Live ! " Okay , now I know this sounds insane , but the second I did that , there was a flash of lightning and the electricity buzzed popped and crackled , and then went out , leaving me in the dark with GBM in his super - heated prison . But never fear , my oven is gas , and while I lay half naked curled on my side with my fingers in my panties , GBM got hotter and hotter and more and more ready , and I swear , his cock got bigger and bigger . Okay , yes , I know that 's the result of baking soda , but you gotta remember , I was in an altered state , I was just this side of Nirvana , I was having a religious experience . Perhaps I passed out . Perhaps I really was temporarily traipsing around Nirvana . I had to be dreaming , though , because when the lights came back on the oven door burst open and wow ! GBM crawled out all bronze and rippling and fully grown . Some parts of him were way more fully grown than others . And what do you think ? The first words out of his mouth were , " I want to eat you , my lady , and then I 'm going to fuck you . " The heat of him all but scorched me raw as he shoved his sizzling thickness up inside me and began to hump and thrust , filling the whole kitchen with the spicy , humid scent of sex and ginger - some of it his , but a good bit of it mine . He rode me until I knew I 'd have bruises on my ass , and I didn 't care . I wrapped my legs around his floury ribs and met him thrust for thrust , slipping and sliding up and down his well - buttered torso . When I came , he pulled out and straddled me , holding his heavy staff up to my lips . " Eat me . Eat me now , " he said . I barely managed a few delicious licks and sucks down his gingery length before he came in buttery , spicy purts at the back of my throat . " I heard you love cream fillings , " he managed as he exploded again and again until butter and ginger and crème ran down my chin and onto my tits and I sucked and slurped and mewled like a kitten . How could anything taste so good ? I came to feeling a little singed around the edges and looking up into startling brown eyes . I blinked , not sure but what I was still dreaming , then I blinked again as I took in the total package , looking up into an outdoorsy tanned face with strong cheekbones and a slightly crooked nose that looked as though it might have been broken at one time . There was a full - lipped smile and a dimpled chin and the whole lot was topped off with bed - headed ginger - bronze hair and matching stubble . " You had me really worried there for a minute , " his voice was a toffee rich baritone I could have eaten with a spoon . " I think it was some sort of an electrical surge , or something . I heard it from outside and saw this bright flash of light . When your door was standing open , I feared the worst . " " Mm , " the man said , glancing first at the recipe for gingerbread men on my phone , which now lay on the floor next to me . Then he stood , grabbed a potholder and pulled the empty cookie sheet from the oven with a hearty chuckle . " What happened , did your gingerbread men run away ? " " There was just one . A big one . " It was then that I noticed my state of undress . " Oh god , I 'm sorry . It was , well it was really hot in here , so I … " " It is , hot . " He said , the smile twitching at the corner of his lips as he looked away to give me a little privacy . " Could have been all the heat that caused the electrical surge . " He shot me a quick glance and when he saw that I was decent , he offered his hand . " I was just delivering a little Christmas cheer . " And then he gave me a flirty little grin that made me feel hot all over again . He nodded to the plate of gorgeously perfect gingerbread men setting on the table . " Perhaps these 'll make up for the one that got away . " " Thank you . I had my mouth set for gingerbread men . " Then I added quickly , " sometimes my imagination runs away with me . " I looked around , half expecting GBM to be peeking out from behind the pantry door . " With the size of the one I made though , I imagine he 'd still be gooey in the middle . " " Gooey in the middle is all right as long as he 's hard where it counts . Oh God , I can 't believe I said that . " He ran a hand through mussed ginger curls . " Best be vigilant . " I put on the kettle and nodded him to sit at the flour dusted kitchen table , still wondering what had happened to GBM . " So what do you do for a living , Nick ? " I asked . He raised his brown eyes to meet my gaze , and a smile split his face . " Yup , that would be me . " He pointed to his hair . " I am the ginger bread man . "
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My journey with God began in 1999 . I was at a very low point in my life ; everything I valued and treasured had been taken away from me . My home , my children , my job , my freedom , all my earthly treasures , absolutely everything had been taken from me . I was debating if life was even worth living . As I was thinking about living or not living I suddenly realized that existence in any form , whether physically alive , or in the spirit , had meaning , no reason , no point , unless God was love , and that he truly loved us as I had been told , but had never seen . It did not matter whether I was physically alive , or my soul existed in eternity , neither one had any worth without God and his love . It was then that I bowed before Almighty God and told him that I was not sure that his love was real , but I had heard that he loved but I have never seen it so I was not sure it existed , but if it did I needed it , I needed God , I needed HIM . He would have to show me his love was real , because I had never seen it . I was willing to believe on a very basic level that God loved simply because his scriptures say so . However I would need him to show me his love . This was the beginning of my relationship with God , and the ending of my simply following a religion . It was then that my life began to change . I began to experience Almighty God working and moving in my life . The more I listened to God and followed him the more he brought peace , joy , acceptance , love , etc . , into my life . It created within me a desire to know Him more and to know His love more . To know what HIS truth is . I had grown up with religion , and it had never satisfied . I had been to many different churches , new many different beliefs , many of which contradicted each other , and I didn 't know which ones , if any , were real truths . The love and acceptance I found in every church was conditional , If I was enough like THEM I was accepted . . if I did not " fit in " I was rejected . I began to go directly to God and ask him what his truth was . I knew with all the different beliefs out there , there was no way I alone could pick which ones were true and which ones were false . Only by going to God and asking him could I ever know what was true according to him . I no longer cared what the truth was ; I didn 't care if it was the same as what I had grown up believing or if it was something different . All I cared about was to know what God 's truth really was . After about five years of seeking God 's truth , God and asked me if I was willing to give up everything I knew in order to have his truth . This was no easy thing for me to do , I had always been fairly smart and I knew quite a bit by human standards . I wrestled over this for a couple weeks before finally deciding that I wanted God 's truth more than I wanted what I knew . I finally told that it yes I would give up what I knew so I could have his truth . I began to take everything before God , everything I have been told and believed all my life went before God with only one question " is this Your truth or not " . I would not try to figure it out on my own , I would simply wait until God told me or showed me what his truth was and is . Now everything I know , I learned from God . If God did not tell me or show me then I do not know . But one thing is sure . When God says it is truth it is truth . God does not lie , God is not mistaken , man and religion can be wrong , but Almighty God , Creator of heaven and earth , it is always true and right . Even today , everything I hear or read is taken before God with the same question " is this YOUR truth " . I believe nothing unless God proves it . Around the same time , maybe a couple months later , it was the spring of 2008 , I was listening to a teaching a pastor was giving . He told the story of a man in a Chinese prison for 20 years , who went through all sorts of torture and abuse . When he was finally released from his prison after 20 years , he was asked how he endured all that he went through . He said it was a twenty - year honeymoon with God . To this day I cannot tell you what the lesson was about , or what this story was supposed to illustrate . I was absolutely caught up in the " twenty - year honeymoon with God " . I heard this story about 10 o ' clock in the morning , and it is all I could think about all day . When my husband came home from work I told him about it and for the rest of the evening it was still all I could think about . I had been through a fair amount of abuse throughout my life , I could not imagine going through torture and calling it a honeymoon with God . I knew that God loved me , but I also knew I did not know his love on this deep of a level and I wanted it more than anything . We went to bed that night around 11 or midnight and my husband began to fall asleep . I cannot stop thinking about twenty - year honeymoon . I finally just went to God and told him how much I wanted to know and experience his love on that deep of a level . I had been through a lot of abuse in my life , and had never wanted to go through anything like it ever again . However I told God I would go through it all again , and even more than what I had been through , if I could just know he loved me the same way that man did that could get them through 20 years of torture . I didn 't even get the words out of my mouth when I began to experience something I never experienced before , or have since . From the deepest most inner part of me , the very core of my being , I began to be filled with a love so perfect , so pure , which is beyond my ability to describe . A love that started at the center of my being , filled me up , and then flowed out to every living being , even to creation itself . Sheer bliss , perfect contentment , perfect peace , perfect joy , no pain , when I thought of those in my life who would hurt me the worst , there was nothing but his pure love for them , and a slight sadness not for me or for what I had been through , but for them that they were missing out on something so wonderful . A love so great that if I took all the good experiences I 've ever had in my entire life and rolled them into one experience it would still pale and seem like nothing compared to the love I was experiencing . There was no more " me " , just pure perfect love flowing through me . It wasn 't my love , I could never love that much . I had never heard of this kind of experience before . I knew it was God , for only God could love so perfectly and purely . It wasn 't until 2011 , that I finally found a name for the experience I had . The " annihilation of the self " ( fana fi ' Allah ' ) losing oneself in the love of God . The tiny taste or glimpse of what it will be like for all eternity for those who love God , those who seek to know HIM . It has changed my life . There is nothing I will not do ; there is nothing I will not go through for Almighty God . I will never let go of God , I will never stop following God and choosing him . I yearn and long to experience this love again . I asked God constantly for more of this love . I don 't know if I will ever experience it again on this earth , and if I do not it 's okay , for I know I will experience it for all eternity . I no longer fear death , for me that 's it 's like going home after a hard days work . I look forward to it when my work is done here on earth . And the things of this world do not mean very much to me , if I have to choose between the things of this world or the love of God I will pick the love of God every time . Not that it is always easy , sometimes it 's a very difficult struggle , but in the end God gets his way . We often hear through preachers and others , about the deity of Jesus and how we are to follow him spiritually . The Bible tells us that Jesus was fully God , and fully human . When we are not aware or ignore the human side of Jesus , we miss half of the full picture of who Jesus was . As God had writers of the New Testament speak often of the man Christ Jesus , God must have had a purpose for this . If it was important enough for God to have it written in Scripture , then it must be important for me . So who was this man Christ Jesus ? Let 's start with the genealogy of Jesus . We have his lineage through Joseph in Matthew , and his lineage through Mary in Luke . If you are like me , you often skip over the lineages because they seem rather boring . But there are some very important facts in these lineages . If we look at his lineage through Mary , we see that she is a descendent of King David . This means Mary was of royal blood . Mary had to be a descendent of David , because God had promised that Jesus would be born through the lineage of David , and because he had no earthly father , Mary had to be of Royal lineage . If we look at the lineage of Joseph , we see that Joseph also was a descendent of King David . Joseph was also royalty . In fact if we take a closer look at the names of Joseph 's lineage we see that not only was Joseph royalty , but he was of a line of kings of Israel . He was an heir to the earthly throne of King David . Jesus , although he was not Joseph 's biological son , was Joseph 's legal son . He was also Joseph 's legal firstborn son . This means he was an heir to all that Joseph had , including the earthly right to the throne of David . Jesus was not only royalty by being the Son of God ; Jesus was royalty physically through both Mary and Joseph as well . Remember here , the Jews were well aware of the promised Messiah , they knew he was coming through the line of David . They expected this Messiah to be a physical earthly ruler , to reestablish the kingdom of Israel . They expected the Messiah to overthrow whatever government happened to be ruling the Jews at the time . One of the first things taught to young child was their lineage back to Abraham , proving that they were heir to the promises of God . The fact that Mary and Joseph were both of Royal lineage and thus nobility would have not been a secret . Because the Jews were looking for this promised Messiah , from Royal lineage , anyone of noble birth would have been treated as nobility . Let 's take a closer look at what the Bible tells us about Mary and Joseph . We are told in Matthew one verse 19 that Joseph did not want to make a public example of Mary , so he decided to put her away quietly , or secretly . In choosing to put Mary away quietly Joseph was minding his reputation , Mary 's reputation , and avoiding scandal . Why we Joseph do this ? It is Because Mary and Joseph were nobility . People watched them paid attention to what they did . Human nature hasn 't changed , nobody cared or paid attention to what " nobodies " did then anymore than we do today . We are also told that Joseph was a Carpenter . During this time , in hebrew culture , one was not called a Carpenter , or any other skilled trades class , until training was complete , and they were well established on their own . That Joseph was called a Carpenter meant he had an established prosperous business . This means that Joseph would have been at least of merchant class . Merchant class would be similar to today 's business owner While not extremely wealthy , not dirt poor either . One of the most obvious we overlook is the wise men and the gifts they brought . they came from the East , now we don 't know exactly where , but wherever it was it took some travel time . When they got to Jerusalem they stopped by the palace first . why ? Because they were looking for a very special King . The palace would be the place they expected this special very important King to be . They came to worship and honor this special King , they knew he was very special , and very important because a star announced his birth . Not every king had a star announcing their birth so they knew this king had to be exceptionally important . The gifts they brought would have been worth traveling far to bring and in an amount worthy to honor royalty , and even more than normal to honor a exceptionally special King . They were not small gifts they could have carried on them , but camels loaded with all they could carry . Even from a purely worldly view , they would have wanted to impress this very important king and would certainly given in amounts that would be impressive , not insulting . The Gifts were gold , frankincense and myrrh . We all know how valuable gold is . Frankincense and myrrh were two of the most valuable commodities there were in that time . They were often used instead of gold as currency or payment . That 's how valuable they were . Although we are never given the exact social status and wealth of Mary and Joseph , there are other clues such as Mary 's ability to order the servants to do has Jesus said at the wedding of Cana , and the fact that Jesus robe was one piece , something only the wealthy could afford , that show are that they were not dirt poor as Satan would have us believe . Even the fact the Pharisees went to the Roman rulers and said Christ was making Himself King over Caesar . Do you really think that they would have risked their position and status making fools of themselves by that accusation if there wasn 't proof to back up the accusation ? We are told in Luke nine verse 58 , and in Matthew eight verse 20 , that Jesus said that foxes have holes and birds have nests but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head . He would have been Joseph 's legal heir , he was heir to the family home , it would have been his birthright . That he had no place to lay his head , meaning he had no home , he was in a sense homeless , he sacrificed his right to inherit all that belonged to Joseph . He gave up his earthly birthright . He gave up whatever measure of wealth there was from Joseph . He gave up his earthly right to the throne of David . Second Corinthians chapter 8 verse nine , tells us that though he was rich yet for our sakes he became poor . Like so many verses in the Bible , there is both a spiritual and physical meaning to this verse . Yes Jesus gave up the wealth of heaven for us , but he also sacrificed his earthly wealth for us . Jesus always led by example . If Jesus was poor , he would have never had to give up anything in order to follow the will of God his father . Most of us are fairly familiar with the story of the rich man who came to Jesus and asked him what must I do to be saved . When Jesus replied to him that he must give all his goods to the poor and follow Jesus , Jesus was not telling this man to do something Jesus had not done himself . He was telling this man to follow the example Jesus it already set , by giving up his earthly wealth and all position and status that went with it . Jesus never told us to do something that he himself had not done . There would be no example for us today of Jesus sacrificing wealth or goods of this world in order to follow God . This applies to our spiritual relationship with God , the physical example we are to follow here on Earth , and the way we are to treat others . If Satan can distort the example that Jesus gave us in any way , he will do so , because it keeps us from truly following Jesus , as we should . The disciples followed Jesus example when he called them to follow him because they also had to give up their jobs and their way of life in order to follow Jesus . The early church followed this example when they sold all their goods and land and gave it to the Lord through the church . And note that when it was given to the church it was not spent on the building , or increasing the leader of the church 's wealth , but to the poor and the needy . In fact they had no building , and the leaders led the people by example . They were the first to follow Jesus example of giving up what they had . One of the biggest lies that Satan has deceived us with is that Mary and Joseph were poor nobodies . This may seem like an insignificant deception , yet it changes everything about who Jesus was as a human . It changes the examples that Jesus as a man gave us . And that people is a huge deception . If we do not have a correct view of who Jesus was as a man , we cannot possibly follow the examples that Jesus gave us to follow as a man . We also cannot understand how Jesus went through and was tried and tested in all ways that are common to man . As I begin to get the full picture of the example Jesus set for me , I began to understand what it truly takes to follow Him . It 's not so easy then to deceive myself that I am following Jesus and serving God when I am truthfully serving myself . As I begin to understand how much , and in how many ways , Jesus sacrificed for me , I begin to see how I must sacrifice for Him . The more I learn the truth , the more I am set free to follow , because I see more areas that I must turn over and submit to Him . Posted by A recently watched An interview with Reza Aslan on YouTube . In the video they were discussing His interpretation and understanding of who Jesus was and is . While God does not agree with his conclusions , he does have one thing right , neither Christianity nor Islam have the correct view of who Jesus is . You ask 100 different people who they think Jesus is and you will probably get 100 different answers . Everyone has their own idea and opinion , either formed on their own or based on what their religion says . What really matters in the end however is not who people think Jesus is , but what God says About who Jesus is . So here they are so many different opinions about who Jesus is ? One of the biggest reasons if not of the biggest reason there are so many different understandings of who Jesus is , is that people read Scripture and apply their own human understanding and logic to what God says rather than go to God and ask him what he means by what he said . God warns us against doing this time and time again . " Do not lean on your own understanding , in all your ways listen to God and he will direct your path " " without the breath ( words . speaking ) of God , it is impossible to understand the Scriptures " . We think Scripture contradicts itself , because we applied our own understanding to what God is saying . However , when we go to God and ask for his understanding , there is no contradiction in Scripture . When we listen to God 's understanding , the Bible and the Quran are in perfect harmony . So let 's look at a couple of the verses that are often misunderstood and cause division rather than union and harmony and see what God says . In the Bible Matthew 1616 " Simon Peter answered , " You are the Messiah , the Son of the living God " . The big hindrance here is the word " Son " . Before I go into what God says , there is one thing the reader has to understand . The English version of the Bible is a translation . The original manuscript would have been in in Aramaic . Which got translated to Greek which got translated to Latin which got translated to English . Any time you translate from one language to another some of the meaning is lost . It 's not that it 's incorrect , but often words do not translate Word for Word , ideasthat can be easily expressed in one language , take much more description in another language . Also over time words change meanings . So even if you have the exact right word , because the meaning of that word has changed it no longer conveys the right idea . These things are exactly what has happened here in with the word " son " . The Greek word that is translated " son " means male child or semblance . Semblance is not a word we use very much . Someone means : having the appearance of " . It 's often used when something appears to be one way but in reality things are different than they appear . Peter is not saying that Jesus is a physical child of Gods , Peter is saying that Jesus is the semblance or appearance of God in male human flesh . If we restate the verse the way God says he means it would say " thou art the Messiah , the living male flesh of Almighty God " . Jesus was very much real male human flesh . But inside that human flesh , was not a human soul or spirit but Almighty God . God clothed himself in human flesh the same way we put on clothing . Jesus is in no way separate from God , he is God . God spoke and created human life in Mary , and it was God himself who live in dwelled and empowered that human flesh . This is why Jesus said " I and my Creator ( father ) are the same one . " " Destroy this temple ( house of God ) Posted by There is a difference between following a religion and following God . One can follow all the rules and traditions of their religion and never have a heart for God . God says " On that day many multitudes will say to Me ' Lord , Lord , did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles ? ' " And then I will declare to them , ' I never knew you . Away from me , you evildoers ! : What is God saying here ? Notice first That the people call him " Lord Lord " . This is letting us know that the people truly believe God to be Almighty God . They believe that they have been following God . They believe they have done all the right things , known all the right things , And said all the right things . In their hearts and minds they believe they should be welcomed into paradise . They have followed all the rules , and yet God does not welcome them into paradise , and tells them to leave . You see folks it 's not enough for us to follow the rules and traditions of our religion whatever that religion may be . Most of the rules and traditions of any religion have been instituted by man , They are some mans interpretation and understanding of what God is saying in Scripture . And because man does not understand God 's ways without going to God himself , they are full of logical yet wrong understanding and ways . God tells us to " test the Words to see if they are of God " or not . Each of us is responsible for going to God and checking to see if everything we have ever been told and believe , is Truth from God or merely some man 's understanding . It 's a proven psychological fact that if someone is told a lie often enough they will believe that line to be true . And nowhere are more lies told , though truly believed to be true , then in religion . People are repeating what they have heard and believed to be true , yet they are guilty of never going to God and asking him if it 's truly his Truth or not . So although they sincerely believe it to be true , It is in fact a distortion of God 's truth . And of course everyone thinks that " MY " religion is right and everybody else 's religion is wrong . The truth is , If there is an argument or a conflict between two religious beliefs , it is not a case of one being right and one being wrong , but rather both are at least partly wrong . It is impossible for us as humans to choose what is right and what is wrong with all the different theories put out by man . There are literally thousands of religions and denominations and sects . Without God 's help , there is no way we could ever hope to choose which one is right and which one is wrong . The only way to know what God 's truth is is to be seeking him and his truth . To be asking God what his truth really is , with an open heart and mind that is willing to accept that everything we have ever been told might be wrong . If we refuse to believe that what we think is wrong we won 't ever hear God 's truth from HIM . This is why God warns us that on the dEternity is far too big to be left to chance , or the opinions and ideas of others . Go to God , get to know him , learned his Truth from him . Then , on that day , you will hear " well done you good and faithful servant " rather then " depart from me " . Do not take the name of the Lord in vain . We have heard this many times in relation to swearing , in fact its what we generally assume is the meaning of this verse . In the Hebrew culture it has a far deeper and more significant meaning . To take the Lords name is to take on his name , to say you are His , much like the way a wife takes on the name of her husband . So in the Hebrew culture it would be read as " do not say you are the Lords child or belong to Him in vain . " this gives a whole new meaning to the verse . How would we say we are His is vain ? In the Hebrew way , it was all about how we reflect on God , " Do not take on His name and say you are His without reflecting who He is accurately " " Do not take on his name unless you are doing things the way He would do , saying what he would say , and have the heart He has . " This a far higher and more involved standard to live up to than to simply omit His name from the list of swear words . It places the responsibility on us who call ourselves " Christian " to live and act in a way that accurately portray who he is by our actions . Let me give a story to illustrate . There was a large company ran by a CEO . The CEO 's office was on the top floor and no one had ever met him or seen him . The CEO 's daughter also worked for the company and the employees know her well . The daughter uses her position in the company for her benefit . She ask the guard at the door to run and get her snack because she hungry , the guard knows that going will leave the company open to danger , but the daughter insists . He goes with misgivings , but she is the bosses daughter , In His mind though he wonders what kind of CEO he has if the daughter acts this way . Then the daughter meets a woman with a bunch of folders . The daughter ask the woman what she doing . The woman replies " I need to get these copied and collated for the meeting this afternoon . " The daughter tells her to never mind that , but to come and clean her office instead . The woman has no choice , it is the bosses daughter after all . In her mind she questions the CEO 's ability to run the company . And so it goes , the daughter continues to demand the employees stop what they are doing and cater to her . She never tells the employees " My father said … . " but doesn 't the child speak for the father ? All the employees begin to wonder " does the boss know what he is doing ? " Those of us who call ourselves Christians have taken on the name of Christ . We are to reflect who He is with our actions , with what we say , and how we see others . We are to reflect Him the way the moon reflects the sun . The moon has no light of its own . When it in the right position it reflects the light of the sun to the darkness on earth . So also are we not to reflect ourselves , but to reflect the heart and character of God , so that He shines forth to a world that is lost in darkness . It is not about us , It is about His honor and glory .
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Pets on Quilts Starts August 2 ! This would be my third year of trying to get bees to land on a quilt , but I don 't have the heart for it this time around . Josephine doesn 't seem too enthused either . I think she was a bit underwhelmed by the iron she won last year . Maybe because she doesn 't quilt . I , on the other hand , was thrilled ! You 've still got a few more days to figure out which quilts to use and how to get your pets on them . It 's always fun to follow the links , especially in the other pet category , so head over to Lily Pad Quilting on August 2 to check it out . Posted by Not a Drop to Drink by Mindy McGinnis is one of the darker YA novels I 've read lately . I 'm talking about the wonderful , intriguing kind of dark , not the kind that makes you want to scrub your mind out with bleach and forbid your offspring from reading anything by that author until they 're much , much older . I 've stumbled across a couple of those , usually as my kids are checking them out from the library . This book is the kind of dark that keeps you turning pages , fearful for characters you 've come to love . For Lynn 's whole life , it 's just been her and her mother . She 's learned the skills she needed for survival - - how to collect and filter water , how to store it , how to hunt for food , and how to position herself on the roof of the farmhouse and take careful aim at any person approaching their pond . She knows that she can never let down her guard , especially after her mother dies and leaves her completely alone except for a neighbor she 's only watched at a distance . This book is amazing . I would love to know more about the mother , who we only see through her daughter 's eyes . If she 'd been a different type of person , Lynn 's life could have been much different . But this is the kind of book that works so well because it doesn 't bog down with too much detail . Maybe there 's an author interview out there that fills in some of the blanks - - I 'm really curious to know if my guesses are right . For more fun projects to drool over , check out On the Needles at Patchwork Times and Work in Progress Wednesdays at Tami 's Amis . Posted by Meet Glenn ! After Trevor and Jonah , I was hoping I 'd have enough blue sheet left over for the background of this quilt . There was plenty , with enough left over to bind something else . The pattern is Buzz . You can find it , and all of the other free Let 's Make Baby Quilts ! patterns , over on the sidebar . The quilt is on its way to the local birthing center . Are you participating in 100 Quilts for Kids this year ? It 's a great source of inspiration and motivation . What 's a good cowboy name ? Ages ago , I cut a bunch of 2 " strips to make a blue version of Sadie . It was one of those " when I have some extra time " projects . Not that I 've got extra time , but it was sure nice to have fabric ready to go when I did get the opportunity to plug in the sewing machine . I need to take a hard look at my WIPs . More accurately , I need to take a hard look for them . Sewing time has been scarce over the past few months and things have gotten shuffled around . I can 't remember what I was working on , let alone where half of it is . Weekly Stash Report I had to buy more yarn for Squidpocalypse and found out that hard way that Red Heart with Love is substatially more expensive than Red Heart Super Saver , which is what I thought I was buying when I grabbed the skein I needed for the inner side of the tentacles . And of course Walmart doesn 't carry that color a couple of months later , so I wound up paying even more for the two additional skeins that I needed . Fabric Used this Week : 1 3 / 4 yards Catch Those Ideas ! If you 've been reading my blog for long , you know by now that we 're a homeschooling family . One of my pet peeves when it comes to curriculum is the writing instruction . I 've seen too many books and curriculums that tell kids that there are certain steps you have to follow . I 've also known a lot of authors and written a few novels myself , so I know for a fact that there 's no absolute combination of brainstorming and outlining and writing ideas on index cards that 's the " right way " to write something . The book itself is gorgeous . It 's listed as a paperback , but feels more like a hardback to me . The pages are stitched , so I can believe that it 'll hold together for years ( and the author encourages you to date your entries so that you can look back on them later . ) Most of the pages are blank , or nearly blank except for writing prompts . Some are lined , some aren 't , and they 're a variety of different colors , all light enough that they won 't distract from your writing . Although the book is meant for kids , the prompts aren 't age specific . They don 't ask you to write about things that you write about something you might not have any interest in . Teenage Daughter has called dibs on it as soon as I 'm done writing this post . I could see it being a good choice for an adult who wants to write but doesn 't know where to start . Let 's Make Baby Quilts Linky Party Rules : Link directly to your post or specific Flickr photo . Your post can be about a baby quilt that 's finished , or in progress , or you can be writing about what you have planned , as long as it 's about baby quilts . You 're welcome to link to baby quilt posts that aren 't brand new , but please don 't submit the same post or picture more than once . I 'd love it if you linked back to my site , either with a text link or the Let 's Make Baby Quilts ! button . When Val Valentyn suggests that someone should put her nasty boss out of his misery , she is only joking . But when Val stumbles into her bedroom and finds Mr . Potter , his blood soaking into her brand new 400 - thread - count sheets , it seems she has been taken literally . Val knows that regardless of a couple minor , not even worth mentioning incidents , where she was a teensy bit violent after one too many drinks , there is no way she killed her cheap , petty , world - class halitosis suffering boss . May he rest in peace . The problem is , the police are convinced it was she who stabbed Mr . Potter . Someone has to find the real killer and it looks like it will have to be Val . But she 's not alone . Her best friend Julie and her seventy - two year old neighbour Rose , are along for the ride . While their sleuthing skills may be negligible , Val is convinced that determination and a positive attitude will lead them to the killer . And while she isn 't personally blessed with either of these qualities , she is plenty desperate , and doesn 't inspiration come from desperation ? Or something like that . Inspiration comes from something . It 's the first book in the series and I don 't know anything else about it , but it sounds good to me and I 've just added it to my own Kindle . Prices on Amazon change quickly , so make sure you look before you click . And just as I was getting ready to publish this post , I found another one - - Everyone knew that Melanie 's Uncle Max had a weak heart . When Aunt Peg finds him dead on the cold floor of their championship kennel , surrounded by eleven whining , prize - winning Standard poodles , she isn 't shocked . . . and doesn 't panic . But Melanie is surprised when , three days after the funeral , Peg shows up seeking her help . One of her prize pooches is missing - - and it 's beginning to look like Max 's sudden demise is more a matter of . . . murder . With her four - year - old son Davey happily ensconced in day camp , Melanie manages to maneuver herself into Connecticut 's elite canine circles . Posing as a poodle breeder in search of the perfect stud , she mingles with sophisticated exhibitors and professional handlers . . . and soon starts feeling a little out of her clas . Until she meets Sam Driver . Although the irresistibly attractive breeder is soon wooing her with seductive candle lit dinners , Melanie resolves to be wary . Then the killer strikes again , and Melanie realizes that she has been barking up the wrong tree . As events - - mysterious and romantic - - culminate in the celebrated Westminster Dog Show , she suddenly finds herself on a long leash of intrigue and greed . . . hot on the scent of a chilling secret to die for . Posted by Inspired by Youtube , my son has decided to learn to juggle . Because I 'm not going to live with flying golf balls in the house , I offered to sew him some bean bags . And because the yardage that was closest to my sewing machine ( and that wasn 't intended for something else ) was yellow , I decided to add some applique and tie them in with the whole Super Mario obsession . Remember that giant squid I wanted to knit for Teenage Daughter ? I took a closer look at the pattern and had second thoughts , but by then I 'd already bought the yarn . My only two yarn purchases so far this year have been for that girl . I used the skein that I bought for her Weasley Sweater and I 'm determined to finish this project too . Wouldn 't it be nice to end a year and be able to say that I 'd made all of the projects I bought yarn for ? It 's those bobbles that I 'm not so sure about - - by the time I finish tentacle number eight , I 'll have done a hundred and sixty of the nasty things . With double stranded yarn , something I don 't recommend . I 've mentioned that my youngest two boys have quirky taste in reading material . I 'm always looking for books that they 'll love and that won 't make me cringe . ( I 'm not about to tell them that I saw a book last week with the title Sir Fartsalot Hunts the Booger . ) Oliver and the Seawigs sounded like fun . Oliver 's parents have finally run out of places to explore and he 's looking forward to living in a actual house and going to school . He 's never done those things before . But when his parents go to look at some nearby islands and the islands themselves disappear , Kirby puts all of his exploring skills to use and sets off to rescue them . These aren 't just any islands , they 're wandering islands and are busy constructing wigs for the competition that will determine which of them becomes Chief . Oliver 's parents have become decorations on the wig of the meanest island out there , the one that went bad because human sacrifices used to be performed in his temple . On his way to save them , Oliver encounters a near - sighted mermaid , sarcastic seaweed , and an army of sea monkeys . The story is completely different from anything we 've read so far ( without being dumb or silly ) and the illustrations are full of clever little details . We 're still waiting for the next book in the Imaginary Veterinary series . Got any other recommendations for us ? We found the neatest estate sale last weekend , the kind where you don 't buy much but have an absolute blast looking at crazy things you didn 't know you wanted . I should have taken pictures , but I was having too much fun just taking in the wonderful old stuff . Seriously - - they had a camel saddle . And storage boxes for eight track tapes , still in their original packaging . I 'm not sure which would be less useful . If Hubby hadn 't been with us , I think Teenage Daughter and I would 've played Tetris to see how much cheap antique furniture we could fit into the back of the van without leaving a young boy behind . There 's room in the barn and she 's going to have a place of her own someday . Not soon , but it was great old furniture and dirt cheap . I bought four old spring metal embroidery hoops . Not sure what I 'm going to put in them yet since I can 't make myself do needlework in round hoops , but I 've seen some fun ideas on Pinterest . Hubby wanted to know why I was buying them since " You don 't do embroidery . " It wouldn 't surprise me if next week he told me that I don 't knit socks . There was a neat metal case from an old microscope for five dollars . It had great graphics , but I told myself I didn 't really want it . Just Googled for a similar one to show you and I think it 's this same one that 's listed on etsy for $ 75 . Hopefully someone who got there later in the day got a great deal and it doesn 't wind up in the landfill . What I did want was the croquet set . I 've been looking for one for a few years and they had one that was just old enough to look neat but not so old I 'd feel awful about using it . I talked myself into being good , mostly because I 've never played croquet in my life , but I 'm starting to wish it wasn 't too far to drive back . Remember those scrappy yellow stars I was playing with last week ? I like these a lot . They go together fast and I think the yellow stars really pop against that blue solid . It also doesn 't hurt that I 've got the perfect backing picked out , a wonderful crinkly yellow seersucker . Want the pattern ? It 's Buzz , one of my free baby quilt tutorials . I 've done them before , back in the days when I was obsessed with cross stitch landscapes , but they were never a huge success . Any tips ? Posted by Let 's Make Baby Quilts Linky Party Rules : Link directly to your post or specific Flickr photo . Your post can be about a baby quilt that 's finished , or in progress , or you can be writing about what you have planned , as long as it 's about baby quilts . You 're welcome to link to baby quilt posts that aren 't brand new , but please don 't submit the same post or picture more than once . I 'd love it if you linked back to my site , either with a text link or the Let 's Make Baby Quilts ! button . Barbie 's Clothes Jo asked about the little magazine that I was finding the clothing pictures in . It 's a catalog that came with my Mom 's original dolls . I 'm assuming that one came with Barbie and that the other came with Ken , since we 've always had two . They 're smaller than they look in the pictures - - a little bigger than Barbie size . I used to love reading through these - - and still do ! Barbie is " tailored " and " accessorized " and her clothes are always " ensembles . " It 's all just so elegant and poised and wonderful . Registered Nurse Barbie cures patients in a trim white cotton uniform with zipper back , buttoned blouse and real hip pockets . With her spectacles and graduate nurse 's cap , she wears a navy blue cape lined in red silk for outside calls . Hot water bottle , diploma , medicine bottle and spoon complete the set $ 3 . 00 Barbie takes off for sky adventures in her flight blue uniform with flight insignia on cap and jacket . Her white nylon blouse and shoulder pocketbook are trimly tailored to regulations . An American Airlines flight bag travels with her . $ 3 . 50 Ballerina Barbie dances before kinds and queens as the Sugar Plum Fairy , costumed in a shimmering silver tutu . A program announces her performance . For practice at the barre , she wears a black jersey leotard and tights . Pink satin shoe bag holds her ballet slippers . The set , $ 3 . 00 This post is linked to Vintage Thingie Thursday , Thriftasaurus , Share Your Cup , Ivy and Elephants , We Call it Olde , Savvy Southern Style , Thrifter Maker Fixer . { Yarn Along } Another Pair of Socks I think I 'm getting to the point where I could wear nothing buy hand - knit socks , if it wasn 't so easy to grab a pair of Hubby 's from the clean laundry hamper ! These are knit in Regia Surf , which I posted about last week . Mission to Murder Jill Gardner , proprietor of Coffee , Books , and More , has discovered that the old stone wall on her property might be a centuries - old mission worthy of being declared a landmark . But Craig Thomas , the obnoxious owner of South Cove 's most popular tourist spot , The Castle , makes it his business to contest her claim . When Thomas is found murdered at The Castle shortly after a heated argument with Jill , even her detective boyfriend has to ask her for an alibi . Jill decides she must find the real murderer to clear her name . But when the killer comes for her , she 'll need to jump from historic preservation to self - preservation . There 's conflict over Jill 's stone wall and whether it 's truly part of the old mission , but no real explanation beyond that . I also never figured out quite what The Castle was , or why it was such a popular tourist destination . ( I 'm guessing that was all explained in the first book . ) After finishing the book , I feel like I came in in the middle and left before it was all over . And I 'm not excited enough about the characters to go back and find the first book . I 'm also reading Incubus by Ann Arensberg . A horror novel set in 1975 , the story is unfolding slowly and this book has the feel of something written a few decades ago . ( It 's exactly what I loved so much about Harvest Home . ) Before we left for the park last week , I looked at my socks - in - progress . I think I even picked them up and started to put them in my bag before deciding that I wasn 't going to want to work on them . Sitting in the emergency room a few hours later , I really could have used some mindless ribbing to distract myself from the long wait . I should know that you can 't predict when you 'll find yourself stuck someplace . At the very least , I should keep a pair of spare needles and some dishcloth cotton in my tote bag . Watching reruns of TV series you 've never seen doesn 't do much to soothe frazzled nerves . . . It turned out that the cut wasn 't as awful as it looked as we dripped blood from the playground to the car . Eight stitches later , everything was back in place ( never had to say that about a cut before ! ) and the little finger in question is going to be just fine . I took pictures because I knew that his brothers and his daddy would want to know what was under the gauze , but I 'm not posting them here because I like you all too much to subject you to that image . You 'd think that with the number of times I 've written similar posts I 'd know to always carry some kind of handwork with me . What about you ? Do you keep knitting or piecing in your bag ? Posted by I can see ! I love needlework and intricate lace knitting , but I 've had this problem for the past year or so . I could see my yarn and those itty - bitty stitches just fine , but when I looked back up at the rest of the room , it took a few minutes for everything else to come back into focus . I solved the problem by not looking up until I absolutely had to . I 'd still be avoiding the issue , but the anti - reflective coating on my glasses was peeling off and there 's a point where you just can 't look through scratches anymore . It turned out that my prescription for distance had changed just a bit . I didn 't need bifocals , just a slightly different prescription . I put off new glasses for another four months , mostly because I couldn 't find a pair I liked . Now I have a brand new pair that I don 't really like - - but I do love being able to see my stitching and the rest of the world ! I 'd been going in for regular exams . This was a combination of a change in vision that hadn 't changed my prescription and a later change in vision piled on top of that . Our family will have to skip our annual trip down to Utah and / or Arizona this year , but The White Magic Five and Dime by Steve Hockensmith and Lisa Falco gave me a vicarious trip to Oak Creek Canyon . Today , I 'm happy to have a guest post by Lisa Falco . A Stitch in ( Summer ) Time by Lisa Falco I 've been doing a lot of writing recently , which is a craft in itself . But lately I 've been longing to get my hands busy doing something other than typing . Usually , I 'm a crazy knitter but in July , when the temps regularly reach over a 100 degrees in Los Angeles where I live , I don 't want to touch yarn . That 's when it 's cross - stitch time . Cross stitch is so satisfying . It 's neat , orderly , and if you just follow the directions , it comes out perfectly . So as I thought for a while about a quick and enjoyable project I could do this summer , it hit me : tarot cross stitch ! I 've been cross - stitching almost as long as I 've been interested in tarot . I started learning both around 8 years old . I won 't go into how long ago that was , but let 's say it would be measured in decades ! Recently , a friend and I worked on a book about a tarot reader who solves mysteries . My friend , Steve Hockensmith , is a mystery writer , and I 'm a tarot enthusiast . It was the perfect pairing ! In the book , The White Magic Five & Dime , a young woman inherits a New Age shop in Arizona after her mother is murdered . She decides to stay on and run the shop . She learns to read the tarot and helps investigate her mother 's death . The book includes tarot spreads with pictures . The fact that the book comes out in this month led me to think about cross stitching some of my favorite cards from the tarot deck . There are some beautiful free and for purchase patterns out there for anyone interested in tarot cross stitch . I 'm a traditionalist , so I have to say I 'm partial to the Rider Waite Deck ( one of the most popular and well - established tarot decks ) . That 's why Whoopi Girls ' shop on Etsy caught my eye . Click here and you 'll see a cross - stitch pattern for a Rider Waite - style Ace of Swords , the card which represents the genesis of a new idea . Perfect , right ? Lisa Falco is a teacher , author and tarot - card reader . Her first book ( published under her maiden name , Lisa Humphrey ) was A Mother 's Promise . Her tarot novel with Steve Hockensmith , The White Magic Five & Dime , is the first in a new mystery series from Midnight Ink . Let 's Make Baby Quilts Linky Party Rules : Link directly to your post or specific Flickr photo . Your post can be about a baby quilt that 's finished , or in progress , or you can be writing about what you have planned , as long as it 's about baby quilts . You 're welcome to link to baby quilt posts that aren 't brand new , but please don 't submit the same post or picture more than once . I 'd love it if you linked back to my site , either with a text link or the Let 's Make Baby Quilts ! button . Still Playing With Barbie I did some more digging and found my own Barbie - - but she 's got the wrong head . Instead of her ponytail , she 's got a Fashion Queen Barbie head . I know the right head is around here somewhere and I 'm determined to find it ! These , along with the doll I showed you last week , are the Barbies I played with the most . My sister and both I had tons of 70s and early 80s era Barbies , but I don 't love them the way I do these ladies . I can 't get over the clothes that Mom had for her Barbies ! They 're just so pretty and ladylike and nothing at all like the stuff my own Barbies or my daughter 's dolls came with . ( Teenage Daughter wants me to point out that they have polish on their fingers and toes . ) The dresses are a little squashed and dingy after fifty years , but I 'm not going to clean them up without doing some real research first . I love the detail and the construction . All of those pleats and darts and ruffles . . . can you even imagine putting zippers in the back of something that tiny ? The accessories are long gone , except for the shopping bag ( which I hear might be in Mom 's jewelry box . ) Sue and I got together for our regular Friday morning walk . The last time we walked was back in April . We 've both been off gallivanting the countryside , al . . . Thank you all for the sweet comments on my Benjamin Biggs quilt . I wish I had the time to reply to each one of you personally ! I really do appreciate you t . . . I love to bake . I generally bake something every weekend . Sometimes I need chocolate . I made Melissa Clark 's Coconut Fudge Brownies from her book Cook Thi . . . I started a quilt a long time ago . It used last years blocks at block lotto to create Old McDonald 's Farm . I started , but fell behind and then lost interes . . . Super busy week at work . . . my poor coworker thought she had an ear infection , but it turned out she had shingles in her ear canal . Ugh . Needless to say , . . . This has been a week for the books . This is Tammy , Carol 's darling daughter . Once known as Lady Jane when I crossed her . On the afternoon of Friday , April . . .
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Oh my , where do the days go . . . ? Thursday already and I didn 't post my links yesterday . . . Well , here they are and these are really , really good . TV Weekly is a weekly show for crafters , mainly scrapbookers . The best thing is that you get so much - a video tutorial , templates and a printable guide with loads of extra ideas . This one is truly one of my favorites . Scrapbooks etc has it all ! But a word of warning , don 't go there if you don 't have HOURS to spend by the computer because there 's so much . And while I 'm at it , another BIG warning för Hero Arts , because I can get lost for days there . . . . * lol * If I won a million euros I 'd quit my studies for a year , take the kids with me and spend at least a year traveling around the globe . There are so many places I 'd love to visit and I 'm sure my kids would learn so much from actually visiting the places they read about in school . We 'd make a long stop in New Zealand . I 've never been there but I would love to spend some time there and really get to know the country and its ' people . There 's something magical about that place . I understand why they chose New Zealand for the Lord of The Rings movies , the sceneries are just perfect . New Zealand is actually two islands , the north island and the south island . New Zealand is famous for the Maoris and the Maori art . It has also become a very popular place for weddings , because of the wonderful beaches and the beauty of the landscape . It 's a very romantic place . Wellington is the political capital of New Zealand . It 's very small and everything is to be found within walking distance . Isn 't that great ? Very ecological , don 't you agree ? * lol * Cheaper Than Hotels is an international company that offers last minute and year round discount accommodation in many countries . They have several New Zealand Hotels , for instance Auckland Hotels , Wellington Hotels and Christchurch Hotels . Today I 'm having a look at card making sites . The first one is something I just ran across and I thought I had to share it 's a template and instructions on how to make a great card for your girlfriend , sister , daughter or whoever likes shoes . You 'll find the template and basic instructions on how to start making your own hand made cards . Vickys Cardmaking Ideas - another great site for the newbie and not so new card maker . * lol * Ever heard of Card Making Day ? Well , neither did I . According to the World Card Making Day website this international holiday is celebrated : The first Saturday of each October , kicking off the holiday card - making season , the most popular time for creating and sharing handmade greetings . October still seems to be very far away so until then I 'll just enjoy this site and all the card making ideas . And finally , Card Making Inspiration , with loads of cards and instructions on how to make them . I hope you 'll enjoy the links and make lots of beautiful cards . * lol * Day 2 of my Scrap Links week . Here are a few links to places I think are worth a visit . Panduro Hobby - My favorite hobby store in Sweden . They also have a few stores in the UK so why don 't you have a look around ? I LOVE their stamps ! Little Sayings - An ugly website with tons of sayings , perfect for scrapbook pages and cards . This one is a must ! Free Printable Scrapbook Page designs - Download and print out backing paper , tags and embellishments for your scrapbook pages ( if your printer uses acid free ink ) or cards . N2 Scrappin ' - A list of page toppers for scrap pages and cards . I 've decided I need to get some inspiration for my scrapping and card making and since I lost just about every link I kept in My Favorites when my computer crashed I have to start all over again . So I 've decided I 'll go on a link hunt every day for a week , starting today and finishing next Sunday . I 'd better hurry because this year during Lent I 'm not going to enter any of my favorite forums for the whole 40 days and I will try to spend as little time as possible by the computer . I can 't stay away from the computer totally because I need to go on line to work with my classmates and I need to go to my virtual classes , but other than that and a small amount of blogging I 'll stay away from the internet . It ' going to be hard , because I 'm such a nerd , but I 'm sure I 'm going to survive and that it 's going to be worth it in the end . Anyway , there 's still time so here are the links for today : Scrapbook . com - I 'm a member here and this is a great place for inspiration and friendship . But my overall impression is that it 's too big , I often feel totally lost . . . . I prefer the smaller places . Nevertheless , this is a great place and check out the gallery ! Fiskars - Check out the Fiskars TV , there are some great crafting projects there . If you hurry you can catch all the January layouts , one new layout a day . And for all you card makers , their gallery ( with instructions ! ) is one of my favorites but I hate the navigation . It 's complicated and not at all user friendly . : - ( SuperScrapbookingIdeas . com - I just ran across this one and I think it seems to be a useful site . It lists ideas for different scrap books and the things you " should " include in your album . In case you 're looking for another web host , this might be what you 're looking for . You just write what you 're looking for , how much you 're willing to pay and what features you want and then hit Search for Hosts and you get a list of the best web hosting choice . As easy as that . Well , this week has been all about medieval literature and no play , so I 've only managed to make one card and add a bit of bling bling to the cards I made last week . So sorry , no TADAs to show this week . . . But on the other hand I 've been busy today printing out lots of Paper Piecing Patterns , layout sketches and scrap instructions I had on the kids ' computer , so I can finally get it " cleaned " and I can have my scrap things organized in a note book . And woohoo , what a great inspiration that is ! I have found so many great ideas and patterns I had forgotten I had saved , so I can 't wait ' til I get some time to play . . . . . My TODOs for next week are : studying for my coming exams ( Linguistics and Phonetics ) and hopefully spend next Saturday making cards OR studying like crazy . It depends on how much I can study next week and how well I feel , after so many weeks cramming for my exams . This week 's question is : When do you find time for crafts ? OMG , I am really not the right person to answer this one because right now I just don 't . . . . But I usually scrap / make cards at night , after the kids fall asleep . And when I don 't study all day and I don 't have to declutter and take care of the mess at home I sometimes manage to steal a few hours off my housework and I can sit down and scrap in the morning . But that was a long time ago . . . . I HOPE I 'll be able to get back to that some time soon . . . I 've done my first exam . It was in Spanish Medieval Literature and it was one of the hardest exams I 've done so far ( and I 've done a lot of exams in my days . . . . ) . We had 2 hours to do the exam and there were only 3 questions . Piece of cake you might think . . . Wrong ! How do you write about an author in just a few lines ? That 's just impossible . So I wrote about two pages on each question and finished the exam after 1 hour 58 minutes , but another hour would have been great . I think - I hope ! - I did okey . I would be very , very , very disappointed if I don 't pass that exam because it was so hard and I think my answers were quite good . I hope the teacher thinks the same . I won 't know for at least 6 - 8 weeks , so there 's plenty of time to worry . . . I have two more exams to do before I 'm done this time . I have Linguistics and Phonology / Phonetics in 8 and 10 days and I haven 't even opened the books yet . G was sick yesterday ( again ! ) and today I 've spent the whole day cleaning . I just couldn 't stand living in a dirty home anymore so I had to clean up the most visible mess in order to breath properly . I HATE living in a dirty , messy home - then why am I such a SHE ? I really enjoy cleaning , so once I get started I kind of enjoy getting things done . But I can procrastinate about actually starting for ages , I think I 've used every excuse in the book . I don 't know why , and I wish I can get back to my Fly Lady routines soon , because they help me a lot . Anyway , I have to get back to my books , i . e . open them for the first time and start studying . . . My new camera and I are still not best buddies . There are so many things you can do with it and right now I just don 't have the time to play around as much as I 'd like to . I 'm thinking about taking some classes in photography or something because now that I have a great camera I think it 's about time to learn how to take great shots as well , don 't you think ? One thing I 'm thinking about getting is a manfrotto tripod because tripods are a smart thing for both still and motion photography . Yes , I can use my camera as a cam as well . Didn 't I tell you it 's great ? * lol * In case you didn 't know , a tripod is a three - legged stand for cameras used to stabilize and elevate the camera . When there are kids in the house a tripod is a wonderful thing because you put the camera on the tripod and you don 't have to worry about the kids climbing all over you , making all your photos blurry . * lol * With a manfrotto tripod your photos can look like a professional took them , because they will be sharp . I 've had a look at the manfrotto tripods because they seem to be easy to carry around , in case you want to take photos outdoors or anywhere else than in your home . We once had a tripod but it was so heavy so in the end we just left it at home when we went away because it was too much to carry around a heavyweight tripod and the kids . But we took some great photos at home , so I definitely would want to buy another tripod . I will , one day , as soon as I figure out how to use my camera . . . My TADAs for last week : 3 cards I made last Sunday night . I wanted to do more , but I guess that 3 cards are better than none . . . After all , I 'm in the middle of my exams and don 't have ANY free time at all . : ( As you can see , I used the same stamp for all three of them and it 's basically the same card , but since I never manage to do the same card twice there 's something different in every single one . I really do like this stamp . My mother bought it for me last year and I haven 't had time to play so much with it yet . But just you wait . * lol * As soon as I finish my exams I will spend a WHOLE weekend just scrapping and making cards . My TODOs for this week : Not much . I have a HUGE exam on Thursday and that 's about everything that 's on my mind right now . And as soon as I finish that one I need to start with the exams I have within 3 weeks from now . So I guess my crafting weekend will have to wait until mid February . This week 's bonus question : Which of your recent projects were you the most proud of ? ( Any photos ? ) I 'm sorry to say that here haven 't been any " recent projects " on my table , I 've been too busy with my studies . Hopefully that will change soon . 4 We went to Tangier Saturday . I really do like Tangier , it 's a big city , full of life and with whole different kind of lifestyle . It 's an international city with a much more modern " touch " . not like my town . . . . This is the bus and taxi station . And this is what the " grand taxis " look like . They go on special routes , like Tangier - Tetuán and is a cheap and relatively safe way to travel . It takes a little more than one hour to go between Tangier and Tetuán and it costs 25 Dirham ( 3 . 20 USD ) . The only inconvenience is that 4 people sit in the back seat and 2 in the front seat , beside the driver . Yep , that 's warm and cozy in winter , not so nice in summer . . . . I wanted to share some photos I took yesterday while my best friend was driving . I still haven 't had time to read all the instructions on how to take great pictures with my new camera so some of them are a bit blurry . I 'm sorry about that . I 'm still learning . This is what spring looks like in Sweden . And here we 're talking about WINTER ! January is one of the coldest months of the year and as you can see , it 's still green everywhere . Welcome to my hometown ! It 's called Martil and I know , the first impression isn 't so great , but after a while you learn to love it . The buildings on the left is a private school . It 's one of the most expensive schools in the province , they even have their own indoors swimming pool ! I haven 't celebrated Valentines day for years but I still think it 's a nice tradition , at least to a certain extent . I think we need to show our love and affection for our loved ones every day , not just one day a year , but at least one day is better than none , right ? I don 't think Valentines day should be all about buying expensive gifts . I think it should be about caring and doing everything you can for your partner so he / she will have a very special day . If your plans include getting him / her a gift , that 's okey . At couponchief . com you can get great gifts at a low price . I don 't know about you but I think a good book is a wonderful way to show your love . Or maybe a gift basket with different things your loved one appreciate . Like coffee from Gevalia , which actually is a Swedish brand . * lol * I think the usual gifts , like chocolate and flowers are a bit out of fashion . What do you think ? What would you love your partner to get you for Valentine Day ? This is as close as I got to Gibraltar this time . I 've been there before , about 20 years ago . My brother got hit by a monkey who also stole his ice cream . * lol * I hope to go there again soon , with my kids . I think they would enjoy spending a day there . I know I definitely would enjoy having fish ' n ' chips again , it 's been a long time . . . I have been thinking about getting new glasses for quite some time now . My eyesight is changing and I actually see a lot better now that I did two years ago . I 'm really picky when it comes to glasses and need to have someone with me when I have to chose . I 'm actually looking for something like this ( look at the photo on the left ) . I think they look cool and I think I 'd look good wearing something like that . For those of you who are not half blind like I am ( no , I 'm not kidding : - ( ) there are places to buy your glasses on line . I 've had a look at Zenni Optical and they have some really great glasses . Great Discovry : $ 8 Prescription Glasses From Zenni Optical . Prices range from 8 dollars up to over 20 dollars but oh boy , there are some really beautiful designs . Have a look at Women 's Fashion and you 'll see for yourself . I think I 'd go for a pair of glasses with matching sun shades , because that way you don 't have to carry around two pair of glasses . My bag is too heavy anyway . * lol * I think I 'm going crazy . . . . I 've been looking for my literature book since Saturday night and it 's all gone . It must have vanished into thin air because I 've been looking all over the place and it 's not to be found anywhere . . . . * arghhhh * I really NEED to get some shelves so I don 't have to leave my books everywhere . . . There are days when i wish I had a magic wand or a son like Harry Potter . . . Yay , I 've found my inspiration again . * doing the happy dance * I guess those hours of cutting paper and not studying made all the difference . So far I 've done 3 cards and I 've got a lot of ideas ( but not enough time ) . It 's been raining cats and dogs today so I haven 't been in the mood to do anything . At least not study . . . I just wanted to get back into bed and stay there all day . Instead I made chocolate muffins , an apple pie and now I 'm preparing spinach soup . But now I really , really need to study for about half an hour until I have to rush to school to get the boys . Have a great week everyone ! One of the downsides with studying for exams is that the housework gets left out . There 's no time / energy to keep the house nice and tidy and I have to admit that I really , really have let everything go this time . : - ( According to the weather forecast for tomorrow it 's going to rain a lot in Ceuta and that means that it 's probably raining here as well . Rain = no laundry . The clothes won 't dry and will end up smelling funny so I pass . That means I will still be drowned in dirty laundry but will have the time to pick up the house a bit . First of all , I have to take care of the mountains of clean laundry I have in the living room and get everything in its ' place . Then I 'll vacuum every room , which will take me about one hour because there is stuff everywhere . How I hate this ! ! ! I want to have a nice home and I want it NOW ! * argggggh * I guess there 's no one but me to blame so I just need to get going . . . This is my TODO list for tomorrow : - Put away clean laundry - Put away my toys that have been lying on the living room table for the past two weeks waiting for my inspiration to come back - Vacuum every room - Clean the bathroom - Work on my new Control Journal - Prepare classes for next week - Study LiteratureIt might not seem much , but it will take me several hours to get everything ok this time , because of the state of things . I 'm sure I 'll study a lot better in a home that 's not looking like war zone . I 've taken the day off my studies today . The boys and I went to mass this morning , after having breakfast in a café with some friends . Unfortunately B got sick at church and threw up , several times . We had to run to the toilet so I missed the Eucharist . Poor thing , he was really pale afterwards but got well in no time , once outside the church . . . Then when we got home G got really furious because I talked to him while he was playing Nintendo DS and started to scream like crazy so he 's punished , no TV and Nintendo for a couple of days . B was tired and layed down for a while . I just gave up , there was no chance to study today . : - ( So I cuddled up in bed instead and watched " The prisoner from Azkaban " on my laptop . And then I decided to make some cards . . . But no way , the inspiration is all gone . . . . I ended up cutting a lot of paper but didn 't make a single card . They all look so UGLY and there 's something missing . . . I really wanted to make some cards and participate in Amy 's Sunday scrapping this week but that seems imposible . : - ( Anyway , this is my To Do - list for the coming week : * I want to make at least 10 cardsNo ta da 's this week . . . And here 's the bonus question : If you could only do one kind of paper crafts for the rest of your life , which craft would you pick ? Oh , that 's a tricky one ! Can I pick stamping , any kind of stamping ? Then that would be my choice . I 'm a stampaholic . . . All I need now is the inspiration . . . . A friend of mine used to travel a lot in Greece . For several years she went to the same place every summer and then traveled on from there . She used to travel by ferry in Greece and go from one island to another . That way she got to know the country and the language very well and she still speaks some Greek . She has told me a lot about her adventures , like when she went to Turkey from Greece on a Greek ferry and was the only woman on board . She spent the day in a Turkish village , returning to Greece at night on the same ferry . While in Turkey she got to know a guy who wanted to marry her . * lol * That 's love at first sight . But she wasn 't interested in marrying someone she just had known for a few hours . Poor guy , his heart was broken . ; - ) At least until the next time a blond girl happened to arrive in his village . Who knows , maybe got lucky and ended up marrying a European girl . . . . I really like the way my friend traveled , taking her time and going from one place to another . She stayed on an island for as long as she wanted , visiting villages , museums and monuments . I guess she took some time off to go to the beach as well , but that was not her main purpose . I 'd like to travel like that , just taking my time to really get to know a place before I move on to another . I think most people are too busy on their vacations nowadays . People tend to see and do so many things , like the more you do the better . But I think traveling should be more about quality and having the time to really explore a place . In most places , you find the most interesting things off the tourist tracks . You normally eat better where the locals eat , not in the restaurants with the menus in many different languages . In case you want to travel in the Greek archipelagos but are afraid to travel the way my friend did , you can always buy the Greece ferry tickets on line so you can make your travel plans from home . But make sure you have enough time to really explore one island before you move on to the next , because there are so many things to discover in0 I really have to study . When I show people what I need to study for my first exam they almost faint , because of the number of pages I have to read and memorize . I feel a bit rusty , it has been a long time since last time I needed to study this much . Only 10 days left for my first exam and I need to study day and night . Today we spent most of the day at the library at work . First I studied at home for about an hour early in the morning . After breakfast and a short fling boogey at home we went there in the morning , around 11 and came back home at 3 PM . We had lunch , the kids watched a movie and I did some decluttering and cleaning . At 5 PM we went back to the library and we stayed until well passed 9 . 30 . * phew * That 's a lot of hours ! My head feels like SpongeBob Squarepants , full of holes where everything I 've read today has slipped out . My head is sooo empty ! How on Earth am I going to memorize everything about the Spanish literature between the 11th and 13th centuries ? I just don 't get it , because there are so many details , years and names . . . Oh well , the only thing I can do is to do my best , study as much as possible and let God decide . I really , really need to pass this exam , it 's a very important one . Only 10 more days . . . . One thing we definitely don 't need here right now is a humidifier , because the air is so humid these months of winter . It 's not really that cold , seldom below 10 degrees Celsius during the day although temperatures do drop down to 3 - 4 degrees at night occasionally . Electricity is very expensive here so many people don 't even use an electric heater . The only way to beat the high levels of humidity is to leave the windows open as much as you can . At night they cuddle up below several thick blankets and bedspreads . I think Morocco is one of the few countries in the world where you actually need more clothes indoors during winter than outdoors ! In countries where the climate is much colder than this , the air indoors sometimes gets too dry , due to continuous heating , to a limit when it can provoke nose bleeds , cracked lips and uncomfortable air quality . In order to avoid that problem an aprilaire humidifier is a good thing to have . The aprilaire humidifier is easy to install , you can probably install it yourself because all the instructions and How - To : s come with the appliance . I wish we could use continuous heating here , it 's nice to live in a warm and cozy home . But electricity is too expensive so we just have to get used to the cold indoors and try to spend as much time as possible out in the sun . On a board I 'm a member of , I found the link to a personality quiz and since I 'm like Curious George I had to take the quiz . Theses are the results : Your personality type : Enthusiastic , idealistic , and creative . Able to do almost anything that interests them . Great people skills . Need to live life in accordance with their inner values . Excited by new ideas , but bored with details . Open - minded and flexible , with a broad range of interests and abilities . Careers that could fit you includes : Actors , journalists , writers , musicians , painters , consultants , psychologists , psychiatrists , entrepreneurs , teachers , counselers , politicans , diplomats , television reporters , marketers , scientists , sales representatives , artists , clergy , public relations , social scientists , social workers . This IS me ! ! ! Enthusiastic , idealistic , and creative . I 'm sure my friends would use those words to describe me . And yes , I 'm back in school to become a teacher so that one is also true . Do you want to take the same quiz ? Then come back here and tell me if you think it 's you or not . Let 's get to know each other a little more . In a way I 'm glad Christmas is over . I 've gained too much weight lately and I don 't like that . Not just for the way I look but most of all , for the impact it has on my health . I feel tired all the time and I feel exhausted when I climb the stairs . I hate that feeling ! This is what I have to avoid , Spanish Christmas candy : I 've almost run out of candy and I 'm definitely NOT getting any more . Enough is enough ! There will be a Christmas this year too and then I will have another go at the candy . Until then , Christmas candy is a total NO NO . The candy in the colorful wrappings in the photo is called mantecados , and is made by flour , sugar and lard . It dates back to the 16th century . I don 't know if this is true or not , but I 've heard that they used mantecados during the Inquisition to see who was a Christian and who wasn 't , because both Jews and Muslims aren 't allowed to eat fat from pigs . People went around offering mantecados and those who didn 't accept to eat one was taken to prison , accused of not being Christian . I 'm very proud of being a " daughter of the Mediterranean Sea " . I truly believe that all the different nations from around the Mediterranean sea have the same roots and much more in common than we might think . In spite of different languages and religions our cultures are very much alike . I 'm sure I 'd feel perfectly at home in Greece or Egypt , for instance , if I ever had the chance to go . One place I 'd love to visit is Malta . I think it 's a fascinating nation , actually the smallest EU country . Malta lies south of Sicily , east of Tunisia , and north of Libya . Malta has a very interesting history . It 's home to the oldest freestanding structure in the world , built before 3500 BC . Phoenicians , Carthage , Romans , Byzantines and Arabs have had colonies there . The official languages on Malta are Maltese ( a Semitic language written in a variation of the Latin alphabet . ) and English . There are Cheap Hotels in Malta , so who knows , I might be able to go there in a not too far away future . I 've never been to Greece and since we owe so much to the Greeks and their ancient cultures I 'd love to go there . I actually studies Ancient Greek for a year . It was a lot of fun . Modern Greek is a totally different language so my knowledge won 't help me at all . Never mind . English will work just fine . I 'd like to go there and stay at some of the Cheap Hotels in Crete for a week or so and then go to one of the Cheap Hotels in Cyprus . Cyprus is the third largest island in the Mediterranean Sea , after Sicily and Sardinia . It is situated in the eastern Mediterranean south of Turkey , north of Egypt , and east - southeast of Greece . There 's an ongoing conflict and the island is de facto divided into 4 parts . Greek and Turkish are official languages , but English also works well . Crete is a less conflictive place . It is the fifth largest island in the Mediterranean and the biggest of the Greek islands . Crete was the centre of the Minoan civilization ( ca . 2600 - 1400 BC ) , the oldest form of Greek and hence European civilization . Nowadays , Crete is one of0 I 'd love to live in a house with a big garden , where I could grow trees , herbs and veggies and have a fairly big lawn where my kids could run around playing . A little pond would be nice too . But the truth is that I live in an apartment and that I don 't have a yard where I can grow things . But does that mean that I can 't have a garden ? Of cause not ! I can have a garden , of course I can . It will just be a bit different . My garden will be green and filled with plants . I will have a table and some chairs , so we can have tea in our garden and watch the sunset . My garden will be my rooftop and my plants will live in pots . I know it can work . All it takes is a little bit of work and a lot of less SHEness . Half way through spring I kind of forget to water my plants and within a day or two it 's all burned and dead . : - ( I need to remember to water my plants every morning and every night , that way my garden will grow and become just what I 've always dreamed about . It 's almost about time to start looking at the seeds . The season starts early here in Morocco , especially where I live , because the winters are not too cold and it rains a lot . The fields are green and lush all year around . My project for this year is to transform this into a green oasis . Any ideas ? I 'm a bit stressed right now . With the kids at home it 's really difficult to study so I 've been working a bit on my blog instead and looking for videos on YouTube ( shame on me ! ) . Well , I just found another of my favorite songs from my teen days - Siouxsie & the Banshees . It 's called " Spellbound " and brings back so many memories of lonely days in my room making plans for the future . Enjoy ! 58 % Living to 100 Years Old Cash for Structured SettlementOh my , I might be 100 years old . . . . I don 't know if I want to live that long . * lol * I 've found a new place for blog quizzes . I LOVE blog quizzes and sometimes when I 'm bored and can 't sleep , that 's what I do , surf around doing quizzes . It 's a fun way to waste time . * lol * The Muslim new year starts tomorrow or maybe the day after tomorrow ( Friday ) . The Muslim calendar follows the moon and not the sun , as the Christian calender does . That way one can never know for sure when a special occasion will occur and everything goes into " stand by " the day before . If there 's a full moon , then there 's a new month and the holiday begins . My kids ' school , just like most schools , will be closed both on Thursday and Friday , just in case . Friday is a holiday anyway , it 's Independence Day . But Moroccans don 't celebrate much , at least not in public . Everything is done at home , together with family and friends . So far we don 't have any plans for these days off . All I know is that I HAVE to study , so I guess we 'll spend a lot of time in the library at work , because the kids can play there , with the other teachers and in the patio , while I study . I 'm so grateful for my friends . They take turns in playing / talking with my kids , so I can study . One thing I don 't get is this thing with different regions , with USA and Canada being one DVD region and Europe another region . It really complicates things for us who travel across continents . And I guess it must be a huge limitation to people in the US who want to learn different languages . Watching a movie in its ' original version made in the country where they speak that language is a great way to learn not just the language but also about the culture . If I would go to the USA on holiday I could not buy any DVDs because they would not work in my DVD player , since mine is made in Europe or Africa . And if an American go on holiday in Europe he / she could not buy andy DVDs to take back home either . I just don 't get the use of different codings . Sorry , could someone explain that to me ? Anyway , there are ways to get rid of that problem . I think it 's legal in the US , at least that 's what it says at http : / / www . dvdunlocker . com / . It 's a program that will give you a code to unlock your DVD player so you can play DVDs from no matter what country . In my opinion , that 's the way it should be , because after all , we all like to travel , right ? And we all like watching movies , right ? Just because you can buy and watch movies from any country on the planet doesn 't make you a pirate , right ? You can actually buy real licensed movies in just about every country , there 's no need to buy pirate movies . Besides , people who do that probably get their DVD player illegally chipped anyway , so they don 't really care . Could anyone please explain the need of different regions ? I just don 't get it . . . . I just found out The Cure is doing a concert in Stockholm in February . Oh , my heart is broken ! I am so not in the right place right now . I would have loved to go to that ( or any other ) concert with The Cure ! The Cure used to be my favorite band for years , and although I kind of lost track of them a log time ago I 'm sure their music is still great . I just had to check at Youtube and found this : This is one of my favorite songs and it still sends me shivers down my spine . It 's such a great love song . And I still love it ! Another of my favorites , from their early days : I love their haircuts ! * lol * I know someone with hair like Robert probably would have problems getting a job these days , but I still find it very attractive . And yes , I do like men with eyeliners . Yup , I do . The Cure - In Between Daysyesterday I got so oldI felt like I could dieyesterday I got so oldit made me want to crygo on go onjust walk awaygo on go onyour choice is madego on go onand disappeargo on go onaway from hereand I know I was wrongwhen I said it was truethat it couldn 't be me and be herinbetween without youwithout youyesterday I got so scaredI shivered like a childyesterday away from youit froze me deep insidecome back come backdon 't walk awaycome back come backcome back todaycome back come backwhy can 't you see ? come back come backcome back to meand I know I was wrongwhen I said it was truethat it couldn 't be me and be herinbetween without youwithout you There is one thing I 've always wanted to try but been too scared to do so - hypnosis . I don 't know why , maybe because I 've been afraid that I might end up doing something stupid , like the people you see on TV . McKenna , isn 't that the name of a famous hypnotherapist who used to be on TV and make people bark and dance around ? I guess it 's fun to watch but not as fun to be the one on the stage . Well , you don 't have to go on TV to try hypnosis . You can actually do that at home . Yes , as amazing as it sounds , there 's something called self hypnosis which seems to be very interesting . I didn 't really understand how it works at first so I read the FAQ at http : / / www . instant - hypnosis . com / and found this : Hypnosis works by guiding you into a deep state of relaxation , which some hypnotherapists prefer to call this a " trance " . During this stage , the hypnotherapist ( or hypnosis recording ) begins providing the subconscious mind with positive suggestions and stories to help achieve the goals of the individual . Hypnosis is one of the quickest and most exciting ways to make positive , lasting change in your life . And contrary to popular myth , hypnosis is completely safe . . . and you can experience huge leaps forward with just one session ! There is so much you can improve by using self hypnosis . I 'd like to try Exam Success , I could really need that . And Accelerated Learning . For all of us SHEs , here 's the thing for us - Be Organized . * lol * There are sessions for just about everything , over 300 different sessions including self improvement , fear and phobias , body image and skill improvement . If you decide to have a try , Instant - Hypnosis . com provides you with the software you need to listen to the MP3 - file with your chosen session . Once you 've downloaded the file you can burn it to an audio - CD , and listen to it on any computer or MP3 - player . And so I 'm back at work . . . A new term just began and I 've had 2 classes so far . I had 8 students today , out of 23 which I had the first week . I don 't know why there were so many students missing today , but I guess it 's due to several things - most of my students also study at the university and exams are around the corner , the Muslim new year will begin on Thursday or Friday ( it depends on the moon ) and the library has been closed during Christmas and people think we haven 't opened yet . And people drop out . But in January we open up a second chance to get into class so I will hopefully get some new students in my groups the coming weeks . That 's good because I get paid according to the number of students and a small group = not very much money . I felt a bit awkward the first few minutes today because I hadn 't had time to prepare the class . Usually I prepare the classes very well , but I didn 't have the time to do so today ( I 'm preparing for exams too ) so I kind of had to improvise . But in the end we had a lot of fun and I know my students learned new things . That 's really important to me , that my students learn new things in every class and that they are allowed to speak freely in every class . I think conversation is a very important skill when it comes to learning a new language . I MIGHT work on Thursday , it depends on the new year , if it 's a holiday or not . At least I 'm free from work Friday - Monday . Guess what I 'll do ? * lol * S - t - u - d - y . . . . In a previous post I wrote about passwords and how to password protect your computer and documents . It is important to protect oneself on the internet these days , because there are so many out there trying to rip people off or damage them financially , psychologically or even physically ! In order to use the computer in a safe way you need to take some measures and be careful not to reveal personal information openly and to people you shouldn 't trust . I know , it 's easier said than done but there are ways to make protecting yourself and your family easier . At http : / / www . hide - my - ip - address . com / you can buy a program that protects your IP - adress . An IP - adress is like an ID number for your particular computer and no matter what you do on the internet your IP adress is registred : chatting , sending / receiving e - mails , surfing the net . . . And it 's easy to track down an IP - adress , if you know how to do that and have the right tools . Most people don 't , but then again , most people aren 't on the net to harm you , but those who are aren 't people you want to get involved with . The best way to avoid these people is to use a program to hide IP address . Then you can surf the internet anonymously through a safe network and not have to worry about your computer getting tracked down . A new year usually means New Years Resolutions and plans to lead a better / healthier / happier life . Well , I 'm no different . * lol * I 've started a new habit which I hope will improve both my health and my waistline . For the past week I 've had a glass or two of green tea with no sugar first thing in the morning . Honestly , I don 't like the taste of it because I like my tea with a lot of sugar , but since sugar is not good for the health and I get enough sugar anyway I 've decided to cut back on my sugar consumption and have my tea " natural " in the morning . I hope I 'll get used to the taste in due time , because I plan to drink this every morning for the rest of the year . Read more about the benefits of green tea : Chinese green tea , Green Tea Expert , the benefits of green tea and Japanese green tea . I 'll let you know if I notice any changes in my health or body . A friend of a friend of mine followed a green tea diet for two months and lost about 10 kilos ( 20 pounds ? ) . She didn 't do any exercises or anything , she just had a glass of unsweetened green tea half an hour before every meal for two months and the extra weight just disappeared . I believe that 's true because I 've read about the weight loss benefit in several places so I 'm going to be my own lab rat . * lol * I really want to lose some weight before summer and with my work and studies I don 't have the time to exercise the way I should so I think this might be the highway towards Beach 2008 . Anyway , I 'll keep you posted . Do you have problems remembering your passwords ? At least I do . I try to change all my passwords every now and then and when I do I have a really hard time remembering them . I know writing them down is not a good thing to do and I only use that method for a few days , until I 've learned the new ones . Then I burn the piece of paper . There are many , many threats on the internet today and you really should take the time to go through your passwords and see if they are safe enough . A password is like a toothbrush - it 's personal and you need to have it changed ever so often . A safe password is at least 8 characters long , it 's a mix between uppercase and lower case letters , numbers and other signs . It should never be a proper word or a telephone number . sIVy2 % Dx9 is a very safe password because it 's long enough and it 's a mix of different kinds of characters . Use this as a model when you make your own and remember to change them at least every 6 months . Computer safety was one of my favorite subjects when I studied programming a few years back . If you forget your password you don 't need to worry . There are software programs that check your computer and find your lost passwords . Password - studio at http : / / www . password - studio . com / is a program for Word , Access and Excel password recovery . It helps you open Word documents , Excel spreadsheets and Access databases . If you use your computer for professional purposes you really should get into the habit of putting passwords on your documents , so that only authorized people will have access to your files in case of problem . This program can come in handy if you need to retrieve the password to an important file . Don 't forget , better safe than sorry . Use passwords and protect yourself and your computer . I 'm not really a coffee drinking girl , but when I meet my friends I somehow end up drinking a lot of coffee . I don 't know why . Maybe because they drink a lot of coffee or maybe because going to a café without having coffee seems like a silly thing to do . Anyway , I had a lot of coffee during Christmas . I had this great day when I met several of my dearest friends . First I met one of my best friends for coffee and breakfast at 10 AM in a café . It was so good to meet her again ! C and I have been friends for almost 15 years . We met at work , when we both worked as interpreters at a refugee camp in Stockholm . And we 've been through a lot since than . She came to visit me here in Morocco last summer and it was so good to show her the place where I live and what my life here is like . Unfortunately we could only spend 2 hours together , because I had to meet another friend at noon . With friend number 2 I went to the big craft store ( see a previous post ) and then we went to another café to meet with a whole bunch of friends . What amazes me most about this group of friends is that we all met on the internet a few years back and now they are like sisters to me . I feel really close to them and I don 't know what I would do without them . Isn 't it amazing that you can meet someone on the internet and when you finally meet IRL it 's like you 've been friends forever ? I had more coffee during those 11 days in Stockholm than I normally have in like 2 months here . Maybe that 's why I could study so well at night ? I guess I 'll have to take up the coffee drinking habit again . When I studied at the university in Spain I always had a coffee every morning and then several more each day . Maybe I don 't need to drink that much coffee , since it 's not good for the stomach , but at least a cup a day might help me keep my head clear . I think I 'll go and buy some coffee tomorrow and try it out for a while . I am , as some of you probably know , a SHE - which stands for Sidetracked Home Executive . In other words , I get sidetracked at most things and even though I really want to make something it 's really hard for me to follow through . And I know I 'm not alone . Just take a look at all the books about home management , check out Fly Lady and all the boards and mailing lists about SHEs and SHENess . I 'm sure you 'll come up with quite a lot . There are ways to make you less sidetracked and that 's by changing the way your brain works . Fly Lady tells us to make lists and stick Post It notes around the house . Yes , that does work . I 'm the living proof of it although I 'm still far from being " perfect " . It 's a slow process but it can be done . Recently I found another method which does more or less the same , but in a much more subtle way . It uses subliminal messages to reprogram your brain , so you can achieve the goal / goals you want without getting sidetracked or giving up on the way . It works on a series of different areas - like quit smoking , lose weight , increase your IQ , get rid of fears and phobias and drop destructive habits . It sounds like magic but it isn 't . How ? I found this explication at http : / / www . subliminal - power . com / : Subliminal messages are positive affirmations sent directly to the subconscious mind , bypassing the more critical conscious mind . The subconscious then follows these commands to produce powerful and exciting change - quicker than anything you 've ever seen before . Subliminal Power works by flashing positive affirmations around your computer screen while you work . In fact , you probably won 't even notice most of them . But the subconscious does . It soaks up every single message - and uses the commands to make fast , exciting change in your life . If you are like me , this might be the method for you . Check it out and see for yourself . Do you remember the song " little Chinese Girl " by David Bowie ? Well , I have a little Japanese boy at home . * lol * My son , B , is absolutely crazy about everything Japanese right now . He even studies Japanese on his own ! Yes , that 's true . He knows how to write a lot of signs and is able to read things he sees on TV and in manga books . It 's incredible ! He 's only 10 years old and he is learning Japanese . A friend of mine , who 's also studying Japanese , gave him Japanese flash cards and other things for Christmas and he was the happiest boy on Earth when he opened his gifts . And he is learning . . . Right now he 's studying 7 languages . And he doesn 't mix them up or anything . Isn 't that amazing ? This is a picture of B eating pizza with chop sticks ! My brother and his girlfriend took the boys out one day during Christmas . First they went to the movies and saw a Japanese film . Both my boys loved that movie and they talk a lot about it . Then they went to a book store that sells manga books for all ages . B got a book about Keroro , a frog from outer space . Then they went to a toy store so G could pick out the lego he wanted ( that 's his cup of tea , he 's not into Japan and Japanese ) . After that they went to a Japanese restaurant and B had sushi for the very first time . And he LOVED it ! So now he wants me to learn how to make sushi . . . . I 'm sorry but I don 't think so . * lol * Unfortunately there are no Japanese restaurants around here so he 'll have to wait until we go to Spain ( the mainland ) next time . One thing I really regret when looking back at my boys ' first years , is not having had any good baby slings . If I had , I might not have such back pain as I have , because I used to carry them all the time , everywhere . Neither of them liked the stroller , they preferred to be close to me . Luckily enough , one of our neighbors was from Togo , in Africa , and she told me how to tie a bedspread or any other big cloth to my back so I could carry one of the boys in it . A lot of time I carried BOTH of them , at the same time - one on my back and the other one in my arms . No wonder my back hurts from time to time . Things are much easier these days . There are lots of different types of slings , and you can get slings for newborns and for kids up to a few years of age . Slinglings make the cutest slings ! I wish I had a baby again , just for the joy of using a real sling . * lol * Carrying your baby in a sling really is much more natural than using a stroller and once you get used to it you will see why . After all , that 's what people do all over the planet . I think my boys are so close to me , in part because I carried them so much , but then again , my back would have preferred a sling and not a stiff cloth . I am aDaffodil What Flower Are You ? You have a sunny disposition and are normally one of the first to show up for the party . You don 't need too much attention from the host once you get there as you are more than capable of making yourself seen and heard . I think this quiz is quite cute . It reminds me of spring . How I long to spring ! I hate when it 's cold and dark and rainy . . . . Today the weather is really , really nice . It 's cold but the air is crisp and the sun is shining from a blue sky . I 've had the windows open for the whole day , because this time of year you really need to do that as much as possible or the damp will get stuck in the walls . Well , it 's time to log out and get something done at home before I rush into town to get my boys . It 'll be interesting to hear what they have to say about school today since it 's their first day after the holidays . And my first day of studying at home . and what do I do ? i blog , surf the net and visit all my favorite places . . . Shame on me ! But honestly , I really needed a bit of time off my studies . I feel refreshed , updated and full of energy . Now I can be a good mommy again . : - ) I 'm on a hunt today . * lol * I just stumbled across another great giveaway , over at Pennies in my Pocket . She 's hosting a giveaway where you can win items ( like a custom made header or a sidebar ) for your blog to spice it up . You know , new year = new look for the blog . Right ? The template / items will be made by Revka or Linda at RS Design , they are both very talented blog template designers so I 'm definitely entering this one ! And I hope I 'll win . * lol * I just stumbled upon a blog about gardening , called Mother Earth 's Garden , and since I 'd love to have a beautiful garden I just had to blog about it . Hopefully the magical touch will rub off on me and I 'll be able to get my poor plants to survive summer this year . * lol * I really love gardening and taking care of the seeds in spring , but by June , when you need to water the plants at least twice a day I tend to forget to do so and within a day or two my plants are all sun burned and dead . : - ( I think 2008 is not only going to be my crafty year , it 's also going to be the year when I manage to have a beautiful roof top with beautiful plants that smell wonderfully in the evening breeze . I 'm not much of a flower girl , I love to have vegetables and herbs in my pots . I love cooking in spring and early summer , when I can run up to the roof and get myself a handful of fresh mint for my tea or fresh parsley for my rice . Right now , all I have is a tiny plant of basil I 've managed to keep alive all winter . Linette at Mother Earth 's Garden is having a giveaway and although I 'm not sure I 'm entitled to enter , due to me not living in the US , I hope you will . Taking care of Mother Earth is very important , now more than ever , due to all the pollution and earth warming and the lot . So if you want to enjoy a beautiful garden / balcony this summer , head over to Linette and have a go . Yes , I confess ! I 'm a stampaholic . . . * lol * All in all I bought over 100 stamps during our Christmas trip . I don 't even dare to count how many stamps I have . * lol * I just wish I had a little more time to play with them but hopefully I will this year since I 've decided I will take the card making a bit more serious this year . So far I 've made one card but hopefully I 'll make at least a few more today . These are a few of the stamps I got this time : I got the Christmas stamps at Panduro , the big craft store . I was terribly happy when I found the Artemio stamps because I got some tags made with those years ago and I 've been looking for the stamps ever since so finding them was the such a joy . The unmounted stamps is a gift from my friend Sofia , who just have started making her own stamps . I think they are really cute , don 't you agree ? My boys got remote control cars for Christmas . They are 8 and 10 and they had lots of fun playing with them . But remote control cars aren 't just for boys . On the contrary , I think more adults than boys play with them . That makes it a nice family hobby . I think we all need to find things we can enjoy together with our kids instead of living separate lives , the kids in a world with TV and video games and us in a world with too much stress and pressure and no time to play . Back in the old days people spent more time together and had tighter bonds . We don 't have to back in time to achieve that , all it takes is a common interest and some time to spend together . I looked around and found Everything RC Cars , a website about remote control cars and trucks . That 's a whole new world for me , since I 've never been into cars , not in any size . But it 's an interesting website . There 's a lot of information about the hobby in general and especially about Nitro RC Cars and RC Trucks . You can watch videos , read reviews and learn how to chose the right car . There 's also a blog , lots of photos and information about more things than you could imagine you need to know . It 's a really good site for " kids " all ages . Visiting the site with your kids is another way to spend quality time with them and then playing outdoors with the cars is good for the whole family . We must have been really nice last year because Santa brought us lots of presents on December 24th . In Sweden Christmas is celebrated on Christmas Eve , and in many families include : a Christmas lunch with LOTS of food , the same Disney Christmas show we 've all seen at least 10 times ( it 's been on TV for the past 30 years or more ) and then it 's time for presents . In my family we let someone slip out of the house , put the bags with the gifts outside the front door , ring the bell and then come back in through the garage , hopefully without the kids noticing . Then my dad takes out the gifts , one by one , and the kids help him giving each gift to its ' owner . I got a camera , rain boots , lots of cardstock ( my dear brother knows his sister is a scrapper and really got me the most wonderful designs ) , money and best of all , a camera . The boys got too many gifts - as always . They got several games , a Mr Bean film , clothes , boots , Lego , remote control cars and I don 't know what . * lol * Unfortunately we couldn 't bring everything so we had to leave several games behind . That 's the worst part about living so far away . We can never bring everything , we always have to leave things behind . I didn 't decorate my home this year . Well , just a little bit - I bought a really cute stuffed snow man that 's about 30 cm high . He lives in the dining room now and really makes everything look jollier . There wasn 't any time for more decoration than that before we went and now it would feel rather funny to take out the Christmas decoration and get everything decorated . In just a week I would have to put it away so I think we 'll have to have a non decorated home this year . It 's a pity really , because I LOVE the way everything looks during Christmas . My mother is crazy about Christmas decoration and she has at least 500 Santas which she takes out for Christmas . Here are just a few of them . There are Santas even outdoors : Is there anything more romantic than flowers ? Is there a better way to say " I love you " or " I 'm sorry " or just " Hi ! I 'm thinking about you " ? There are situations when words just aren 't enough and you need a little touch of something special to make your message loud and clear . Who can resist a bouquet of roses or a gift basket with your favorite gourmet food or maybe a cute stuffed animal ? Honestly , I can 't think of anybody , at least not among the people I know , that could resist such a gesture . Your special friend will most likely appreciate it too . 1 - 800 - FLOWERS . COM Inc . is a company that can provide just that special touch to your words . They send fresh flowers and plants worldwide . And in case you prefer to send a basket filled with foi gras to your aunt in France or a teddy bear to your internet friend in Indonesia , no problem ! Just log in to http : / / www . 1800flowers . com and let them help you . You can say bye bye to sleepless nights wondering if the postal service will deliver your gift on time , or if the parcel will be all torn and the things inside will be crushed . Believe me , that 's not nice . It has happened to me more than once and it takes the fun out of sending gifts . So next time you want to show your appreciation or affection , have a look at 1 - 800 - FLOWERS . COM Inc . and see what they can do for you . I 'm back home ! It 's been quite a different trip this year , with lots of things happening , both good and bad . Over the next couple of days I 'll fill you in on everything , but right now I 'm quite tired . It took us 15 hours to get from my parents ' in Stockholm , Sweden to our home in Tetuán , Morocco . Those of you who have traveled with kids know know the story , there 's not a single moment you can relax and enjoy the scenery . Actually , my kids are great to travel with . But going by car , plane , taxi , bus , taxi , boat , taxi and then finally another taxi does make you rather tired , even with great travel companion . So I need to take some time off the computer tonight and get myself some play timewith my new stamps instead . Hopefully we 'll all have our strength back tomorrow .
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While out and about on a recent summer afternoon adventure , I was thrown out of my pleasant - weather euphoria when I turned a corner and ran into a group of animal rights activists . They were standing there with pictures of distressed - looking cows emblazoned with slogans like " Meat is murder " and " A hamburger stops a beating heart . " Um , pass the peas ? It 's sort of like Moroni , who , while negotiating the release of prisoners of war , tells evil foe Ammoron that he is a child of hell . Good one . " Dear Ammoron , you are a child of hell . Release the prisoners or I will destroy you . Kisses , from Moroni . " Probably not the best way to get on Ammoron 's good side . Similarly , waving a picture of a tortured cow in my face is probably going to annoy me more than it is going to convince me to order tofu for lunch . The problem with equating a Fourth of July barbecue with a holocaust is just that ; equating . If someone can say , with a straight face , that chomping down on a hamburger is the same as sending a human being to the gas chamber , well , then , we have a problem . It is about this problem that syndicated columnist , Dennis Prager , is speaking when he tells of an informal survey he has been conducting over his thirty years of speaking engagements . He asks high - schoolers whom they would save if both their dog and a stranger were to fall out of a boat and begin drowning . In all his years of asking this question , two - thirds of respondents say either that they would choose to save their dog over the human stranger or that they don 't know what they would do . Two - thirds ! Why ? They don 't know the stranger . They are attached to their dog . Their dog is " family " , unlike the stranger . I don 't know about you , but this scares the dickens out of me . If we are on such a slippery slope that we can no longer see that a human life is inherently more valuable than the life of a dog , I want to get off the mountain before we slide the rest of the way down . Perhaps our problem is rooted in the fact we were all weaned on a steady diet of Disney movies full of Posted by Last night we took a family walk to check on the progress of our new house . We made Michael exchange his summer flip flops for tennis shoes and warned him to watch out for nails and gaping holes in the floor . " I don 't want anyone getting slivers , " I said . " Or tetanus . " So , the kids ran around exploring . Matthew and Leah checked out Michael 's new bedroom . Interestingly , it was Matthew who was enthralled with the future closet space . Then , a four - year - old 's scream sliced through the air . Now , I have to mention that Michael is somewhat dramatic when it comes to injuries . By that I mean if you touch his big toe with a q - tip , he will scream as if you shoved bamboo shoots under his nails . The Boy Who Cried Wolf has nothing on this kid . His death wail at getting a tiny sliver is as intense as if he had bones sticking out of his arm , so my sympathy in most cases tends to be rather limited . Unless he actually has bones sticking out of his arm , I don 't want to hear about it . Even then , I 'm so desensitized to his overdramatic displays when he is not actually hurt that in the case of a compound fracture I might just raise my eyebrows and say , " Oh , ouch , that was probably painful . Now stop crying and wipe your nose before I take you to the emergency room . " So , in response to his shrieking , David and I responded calmly ( and almost in perfect unison ) , " You 're fine , Michael . " But , he continued his screaming , so I had him show me where he hurt himself . I couldn 't see any actual injury , but he was insistent . " I stepped on a poke ! " he sobbed through a curtain of snot and tears . So I took off his shoe to check and found a nice bloody circle on the bottom of his foot where a nail had indeed pierced through his shoe . Our house exploration was cut short , Michael earned a spot in the wagon for the ride home , and after I cleaned and bandaged the wound , he informed me that he should be he should be given top dog status in the morning . " You need to get my breakfast first , before Matthew and Leah , " he said . " Because of my poke . " I 'm so glad to seePosted by In the immortal words of Lisa Turtle ( I can 't believe I can still quote Saved By the Bell when I 'm almost into my thirties . Disturbing . ) : " What is art ? Are we art ? Is art art ? " Well , I think I have a definition for what art is not . And recent Academy Award nominee , James Franco , is providing the demonstration . He , along with two other " artists " , is exhibiting his work at the Museum of Non - Visible Art . I am not making this up . Yes , these artists are " creating " pieces and selling them . For anywhere from $ 20 to $ 10 , 000 , you , too , can own a piece of , um , blank wall . Because there is no art . Fork over $ 5 , 000 and all you will get is a lovely little plaque describing the piece of nothing you purchased . It 's supposed to be a kick start to the imagination . But I 'm not sure who is so desperate for a little foray into their childhood that they would pay actual dollars ( pretty sure the artists wouldn 't be impressed by non - visible money ) for a chance to relive their afternoon tea parties with Mr . and Mrs . Bear . I certainly don 't need James Franco to tell me what I should be imagining when I stare at the empty wall above my bed . I can do that well enough on my own . For example , right now I am imagining there is this painting of an emperor . He 's parading down the street , proud as a peacock , in nothing but his gold accented underwear . . . Anyone want to pay me $ 5 for that ? At any rate , it 's probably better than handing over $ 10 , 000 for " Fresh Air " , which some crazy rich person already has , believe it or not . And the great thing is , if the buyer tires of the art , he can " loan " it back to the museum or sell it to someone else . Because this is just the kind of thing that is worth passing on to future generations . I can just imagine , on Christmas morning : " Oh , you got me . . . nothing ? " " Listen , you little ingrate , I paid $ 10 , 000 for that nothing . Now take a breath of fresh air and enjoy it ! " There 's only one problem with imaginary fresh air ; it 's known to be deadly to common sense . Especially when money is involved . Poor Common Sense . Blindsided Posted by " Don 't listen to people who tell you marriage is hard and evil . Just like each other and it 's not very hard . " - Advice from my oldest brother on my wedding day . Ten years ago today we went from this : To this : And my brother was right ; if you like each other it 's not hard at all . It 's been the best ten years of my life . Happy Anniversary , David ! I love you ! I 'm not sure who the first person was to hijack Calvin 's image and use it to rain juvenile dislike on everything from sports teams to car brands , but I despise the concept . It 's crass , vulgar , immature , and , most of all , it 's something Calvin would never do . He 's much too smart for that . But , unfortunately , he 's everywhere . This particular picture is a rear - window decal that belongs to someone in my neighborhood . I 've never met the man ( assuming it 's a man , although in this day and age , you never know . In fact , I just read a glowing article about how nice it is now that women can be as raunchy and disgusting as any drunk fraternity brothers . Swell . ) , but I already know two things about him : 1 . It would be impossible to have a rational and reasonable discussion of politics with him . Individuals who take pleasure in desecrating the name of the President of the United States have no interest in listening to opposite political views . 2 . He has no respect for authority . Like him or not , President Obama is the President of the United States . I don 't care if you can 't stand his politics . No human being is deserving of having his name peed on . If you disagree with the President , say so , respectfully . A thoughtfully laid out objection to an individual or his policies does far more to engender positive change than a junior - high - level insult , which , in fact , does a lot of damage . Perhaps it 's an extension of the age of the internet - things we would never say to our worst enemy in person , we can now say anonymously online . There is no accountability for anything that comes out of the keyboard these days . Spread falsehoods , start rumors , take things out of context . Everyone is fair game . And you don 't even have to sign your name at the bottom . We have lost the art of being able to civilly discuss conflicting opinions . Someone who disagrees with you on the subject of gay marriage is a bigot . Those who aren 't in favor of health care reform are racists . You don 't think your female coworker should get a promotion ? Sexist . And , oh , my Posted by I admit to caving in to the " Ick Factor " now and then . For example , I simply cannot eat day - old gravy that has had time to congeal in my fridge . Even if I boil the living daylights out of it during reheating it never returns to the same consistency , and I simply can 't get over the fact that I had to plop it , whole and jiggly , out of its container before I poured it over my potatoes . Also out is banana bread - - old , black bananas really geek me out . And if David accidentally uses my toothbrush I will buy a new one . I know it 's irrational - after all , I do make a point of kissing the man on a regular basis , but ick ! I can 't stand the idea of my toothbrush being wet because it was in someone else 's mouth ! That said , Portland , Oregon is taking their reaction to the Ick Factor a little too far : After a man was caught on a security camera peeing in one of the city 's open air reservoirs , officials decided to drain eight million gallons of treated drinking water rather than risk getting angry letters from three grossed - out tap water drinkers who had fears of contracting some horrible disease . People , the average human bladder holds somewhere from 350 - 500 ml of urine , which , in healthy persons , is sterile . Even if this man had some kind of superbladder or bizarre medical condition which caused his bladder capacity to expand to ten liters , when diluted in eight million gallons of water , that is nothing . Nothing ! Immaterial , as David the Accountant would say . Besides , this is an open air reservoir . That means there are ducks swimming in it on a regular basis . And making full use of the facilities . They drain the reservoirs twice a year for cleaning and find all manner of dead animals , dog poop , and other trash . For heaven 's sake , a pint of pee in eight million gallons of water isn 't going to hurt anyone . People probably get more germs from their own faucet than they would from some infinitesimal amount of urine in the water . Stupid . Absolutely stupid . And I know it 's hard to believe , but now I really have to go the bathroom . ServPosted by In honor of our ten year anniversary this week , a walk down memory lane ( also known as Holy Cow We Were Young or Why Didn 't Anyone Tell Me I Was Plucking My Eyebrows Too Much ? ) : David and I like to surprise each other . Most of the surprises we have concocted over the years have been great ( like the time David filled all the egg slots in the fridge with Cadbury eggs ) , but there have been a handful that didn 't work out so well and one or two that might have been slightly traumatizing ( let 's just say the time David came home from work early , parked the car on the other side of our house so I wouldn 't see it when I got home , reset the security system , and waited patiently in our bedroom while I went about my post - work routine unaware of his presence did not produce the desired result when he jumped out to surprise me . He thought I would be thrilled to see him home early - and I was - but he scared me so badly I ended up sobbing for half an hour as I recovered from the I 'm - about - to - be - murdered adrenalin burst . Poor guy , he felt terrible ! ) So , we have learned a few things over the years about the art of surprise : no jumping out of closets or yanking back shower curtains , chocolate = a great gift , and my personal favorite : never try to surprise your spouse when it involves significant travel . Story time : Let 's go back nine years , circa summer of 2002 . David and I had been married one year and were in the middle of our first east coast adventure . We were living with my sister and her husband in Philadelphia while we painted their house . As I wrapped up work on the final rooms , David headed to a week long internship training in Florida . The plan was that we would meet in Washington , DC after he completed his training and I had completed the paint job , and then we would live there for the rest of the summer while he interned . The day before we planned to meet up , my sister suggested going down to Washington early . Great idea , I thought . David 's flight was scheduled to arrive that night and he planned to drive straight to our nePosted by There are lots of times when parties are appropriate : holidays , birthdays , weddings , births , divorces . . . Wait , wha ? ? ? How did that last one get in there ? Sadly , it 's true . Why let your marriage dissolve quietly in the night when you can invite the neighborhood to throw streamers over your fractured family and toast your vow - breaking with a glass of champagne ? Plus , as in the case of one celebrity couple , you can use your divorce party to " re - affirm your friendship " in front of close friends and family . Sorry , but huh ? For the life of me , I cannot understand this . If you remain such " dear and trusted friends " why in the world are you divorcing ? Maybe you forgot that bit in your marriage vows where you promised to stay together forever , no matter the circumstances ? Divorce should never be a reason to throw a party . Are there times when divorce is warranted , even essential ? Certainly , but they are few and far between , and , contrary to popular belief , valid reasons for divorcing do not include " I need a chance to spread my wings " or " I just don 't love you anymore " . Ugh . I hate that excuse . Just as falling in love is not accidental , falling out of love also requires your full consent . Come on , if you can learn to love a puppy who pees on your floor all day , you can certainly relearn to love your spouse . The Savior commanded us to love everyone . He didn 't say " everyone except that annoying nitwit you married . " Yeesh . I always assumed that scripture about everybodys ' sins being shouted from the rooftops would be more of a did - you - hear - about - so - and - so type thing , not a hey - look - at - me - breaking - my - sacred - vows - have - a - piece - of - cake type thing . As Mrs . Meers would say , " Sinful . " And by that I don 't mean the cake . David 's flight was supposed to be getting in , um , right now . Instead he is terminally stuck on a plane at the Newark airport while some minor repair is being made . Darn it , I could have procrastinated doing the dishes a little bit longer . Though , I admit , there is something soothing about listening to the woosh of the dishwasher while I type . Kids in bed . House clean . No fevers . ( Did I mention my babies have had fevers on and off for the past week ? I didn 't ? Must have slipped my mind after the flour incident . Also , I discovered two molars poking through Matthew 's gums tonight , which would explain why he has been super - glued to my legs all week ) . I feel rather tetchy and irritable . So I bought myself a smiley face balloon at the dollar store to counteract my general crankiness . Also , I keep looking at this picture ( we have a nest of baby birds in our backyard ) hoping it will cheer me up , because I can 't help smiling every time I look at the little fluff balls . Awww , see ? It 's like getting an IV of warm fuzzies . All I need is some chocolate and I 'll be set . Tonight I loaded the kids in the car after feeding them a well - balanced dinner of Ramen Noodles and cheese crackers . Yeah , I admit it , I 'm rather pathetic at meals when David is on business trips . Especially when he 's in NYC and I get little receipt emails from Seamless Web telling me he ordered Indian food for dinner . But , I also served orange juice with our " meal " , so it 's all good . I like to think the natural orange of the OJ cancels out the synthetic orange of the cheese crackers . ( Honestly , it 's a good thing David comes home tomorrow , because if I eat one more piece of junk my stomach is going to walk out of my body in protest ) . Anyway , where was I ? Oh yes , loading the kids in the car , which I accomplished in short order . Then I went to grab my keys off their designated hook and they were nowhere to be found . If you have small children , you 'll understand the problem this presents - - they could be anywhere . In the laundry hamper , down the toilet , under the stove . . . There are no limits to how far car keys can wander when two little feet ( or possibly four ) are involved in the the wandering . I tore about the house looking for them , all the while listening to Michael yell from the garage , " Mom ! I 'm ready to go ! " And then I found them . Zipped neatly in my diaper bag . Put there by me . This afternoon . Apparently it was my brain that had wandered off . So , we drove into town and I picked up Matthew 's new epi pens ( he 's allergic to eggs , peanuts , and tree nuts . And sunflower and sesame seeds . Weird ) . Meanwhile , Michael quizzed me about the contents of every food item he could come up with . " Do bananas have eggs in them , Mom ? Do popsicles have eggs in them ? " Afterwards we went to the grocery store . One of the store 's employees volunteered to take my cart back inside just as I reached my car to unload . He stood there and watched me buckle the babies into their car seats and heave all my groceries into the back of the minivan by myself ( about a five minute process ) , and then he smiled at me and dutifully wheeled my cart back Posted by The good weather has finally arrived . Saturday was our first swim of the season at the neighborhood pool , and , it 's true what they say , June was bustin ' out all over . Holy revealing swimsuits , Batman ! Grandmothers , in particular , should make sure their assets are a little more locked and a little less loaded , if you know what I mean . Then there was a guy who took off his shirt and his overblown muscles yelled at me . Seriously , it scared me . I was worried he might step on me without noticing the squish if I made the mistake of sitting in the blind spot that is created when one has a neck bigger than one 's head . I think The Incredible Hulk 's appearance caused David to feel a little inadequate in the shirtless department , but as I had flown into my husband 's arms to be protected from the green giant 's pulsating biceps , he had no need to worry about my loyalties . ( I enjoy being married to a man who doesn 't look like he would beat me up just to get his daily workout ) . The arrival of summer also brought the arrival of rain , or at least that 's what Michael thought that rapid - fire pitter - pat sound was as we drove down the freeway . Let 's just say he was wrong , it wasn 't rain . Also , the front of our minivan looks like a mosquito mausoleum . I would wash the car , but then I would have to be actively involved in scrubbing insect carcases off my license plate holder , and I don 't have the stomach for that this morning . Particularly because I ate a brownie and a leftover piece of garlic bread for breakfast after spending half the night rubbing Michael 's cramping legs . It was a delicious meal , but probably not the best combo to consume if dealing with ten - thousand dead mosquito bodies is going to appear anywhere on the day 's schedule . Dead bugs notwithstanding , it 's nice to feel a reprieve from a terminal case of winter . Even if summer is going on hiatus later in the week , I will enjoy the air conditioner as long as I can . And maybe a popsicle , you know , just because . Yum , summer . We 're a society of equals , or so they say . But I have a secret . I 've held on to it for years without saying anything because I 'm not much for sprinkling extra awkwardness into new social situations . But , as moving to Utah was the perfect reason to change , I 'm saying it out loud now : I hate it when children call me by my first name . Loathe . Despise . Abominate . I also hate it that , for years , I let my son address most adults by their first names simply because that was what " everyone else was doing . " Ick . Taking my social cues from the junior high handbook . How could I sink so low ? But , it 's been irking me for too long . I 'm done . Your children may call me Mrs . Overly . Or Miss Bonnie , if they simply can 't hack saying " Overly " . I suppose if they 've come up from the womb calling me " Bonnie " then I 'll try to stomach it for the next 70 years . ( Not saying I 'll like it , but I 'll try not to let it tickle my gag reflex too much ) . This isn 't one of those quirky things about me that has no solid reasoning behind it , like the fact that I don 't mind folding the laundry but I hate putting it away . I think the kids - and - adults - on - a - first - name - basis issue is a symptom - - even a cause - - of a bigger social problem : Lack of respect . Why doesn 't the snotty kid at the playground listen to you when you tell him to quit throwing wood chips ? Well , if he assumes he is on a first - name - basis with all adults , he believes you are on an equal playing field . And who is going to listen to a peer or a friend asking him to stop acting like a maniac ? There simply can 't be respect of authority when a five - year - old is addressing adults like they are his old college chums . Children are not our equals . Oh , I know they say cute things and sometimes have heart - melting insights that remind us of all that is good in the world . But we aren 't doing anyone any favors by allowing our kids to think they have the right to interrupt our adult conversations to tell us that the sky is blue or that their pinkie finger itches just so . Or that they want more dessert RIGHT Posted by I 'm in favor of gratitude , particularly when it comes to pregnancy . I think all women could benefit from a little more thankfulness when it comes to carrying a baby . It is a privilege and a blessing , after all . That said , the proper response to someone saying , as a friend of mine recently did , that her baby is beating her up from the inside and that " It really HURTS ! " is not " They grow up too fast so try to enjoy that you still have one that close to you . You will never get that moment back . . . just the memory ! " Um , pretty sure she doesn 't want the moment back . She 's in PAIN , remember ? I feel fairly confident in saying that the average woman will not look back fondly on having a baby play a painful game of kickball with her bladder . Gentle nudges to the ribcage or pokes to the belly button , yes . But slamming a head into a pelvis and causing horrible sciatic nerve pain all the way down to one 's toes ? Owwwww . No need to document that one in the scrapbook . When I was about eight months pregnant with the twins , I was at a playgroup when someone asked me how I was feeling . I said I was doing well , but that I was a little worn out . One woman ( who had , in the past , heard me express my annoyance over women constantly complaining about their pregnancies ) said , " Uh , oh , Bonnie , no complaining ! " I wanted to punch her . There is a difference between saying , " I 'm in a lot of pain " or " I 'm sick of seeing my breakfast in the toilet " and saying " I hate being pregnant ! " or " Why did I get pregnant in the first place ? " The first outlook is acknowledging that there are rough parts of pregnancy which can be horribly unpleasant . The second is being ungrateful for an experience that many woman would trade all their worldly goods to have . I loved being pregnant and tried never to complain about it . But discomfort is a guarantee during pregnancy , and women should feel like they can mention it without someone telling them to " enjoy " it . We don 't tell anyone to enjoy their broken leg or their swollen appendix . But , maybe we should . I mean , they won ' Posted by
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Yesterday may have been the best day I 've had this summer . I have been feeling really down lately and decided last minute that I needed to get out of town . I called up Romy , who lives at the shore , and told her I 'm coming over . She picked me up from the train station , we picked up some wraps from our favorite wrap place , Ocean Cafe , and headed straight to the beach . I couldn 't imagine a more perfect afternoon . There was not a cloud in the sky and we sat on the beach eating our wraps , drinking fresh juice iced tea , and catching up on gossip ( which helped take my mind off things ) . Around 5 PM we decided to head back to the house and shower up and that 's when we learned that the power had gone out in the entire town and the surrounding towns . We snacked on a small bowl of cheerios ( the simplest things are so yummy when you 're hungry ) and then showered . Since the power was still out we had to shower by candle light which made me wonder why I don 't do that more often . It 's so relaxing ! After we were all cleaned up we headed to the Tiki Bar to wait out the power outage since Romy needed to stop by the office to finish up some work . As we drove through the town all the street lights were out and it seemed all restaurants and businesses were closed . Thankfully , the Tiki Bar which was part of the Ocean Place Hotel was the only place still open , running on a generator . Halleluja ! ! We rushed to the bar for a frozen pina colada . Mmmmm ! As we continued to wait for power we realized that we also weren 't getting any cell phone signal . We were really starting to feel like we were stranded on survivor island . Two guys approached us and asked if they could join us . They seemed harmless enough ( oh little did we know ! ) so we told them to pull up a chair . This is where the night took a turn from a relaxing " dinner and drinks " night to the debauchery that ensued . Romy was a little concerned about how we were going to get dinner in since every restaurant was closed . I told her that I thought dinner and getting back to work was gonna be a lPosted by I was watching Seinfeld last night and it was the episode where George tells Jerry that he 's got a date . Jerry asked George how Susan , a woman who he is seeing , would feel about that . George , oblivious , asked why she would care . Jerry explains that he 's been seeing her for a while and it might not be ok to be seeing other people . George still seems perplexed by this so Jerry says , " Well let me ask you something , how often do you guys talk ? On the regular ? " " No , " George answers , " just about 5 times a week . " " And are Saturday plans implied or do you have to ask ? " " Well , um , uh , they 're implied , " George admits . " And what about your medicine cabinet ? Is there anything of hers in there ? " " Well , just some moisturizer and stuff , " George answers . " And what about Tampax , George ? Is there Tampax in your apartment ? " Jerry asks . " Well , uh , . . . . . yeah , " George grudgingly answers . " Then it 's official , " Jerry says , " she 's your girlfriend . " I was skyping with my sister last night and we were pondering the same topic . When does a guy become your boyfriend ? Officially , we mean . Is it implied after a certain amount of time ? And how long ? Or does there have to be a " talk ? " I was seeing a guy for 5 months and never once was it assumed that he was my boyfriend , which was a good thing , since a girlfriend was the last thing he wanted . If I 'm going by Jerry Seinfeld 's definition of a girlfriend , well , I haven 't talked to someone on the regular , had implied weekend dates , or left any of my personal belongings at someone 's apartment in 4 years . ( Leaving stuff on purpose to have an excuse to call them doesn 't count . That confirms you 're not a girlfriend ) . Last night I met a friend for a drink at Vyne in the West Village and then he surprised me by taking me to a show at Joe 's Pub . He wouldn 't tell me what we were seeing and I just had no idea what to expect . Burlesque ? Comedy ? Music ? Well it turned out it was kinda a little bit of everything . We went to see a show called Our Hit Parade where the cast takes songs from the week 's number 1 charts and turns them into comical singing skits . I still had no idea what to expect when this was explained to me but then the first performer got on stage and sang Billionaire by Travie McCoy in a sultry burlesque style . I almost fell out of my chair laughing , it was genius . I 've always been a closet not so closet pop music fan and I realize I love it for the same reason that most people hate it ; The really stupid lyrics . It 's just dumb and that 's why I like it . So taken out of it 's original context , sung by certain pop stars who can say anything on a track and it would sell , it just makes the lyrics sound even more ridiculous . I had to laugh at myself when I realized I had just downloaded into my iTunes the first 3 songs they performed ; Billionaire , Magic , and Cooler Than Me . After the disappointing weekend I had this was exactly the pick me up that I needed . A random night at a random event to remind me just how much I love this city and all that it has to offer . And to top it off I ran into a few editors from Time Out including the managing editor who had first interviewed and hired me . And during the show the cast kept referencing the Scissor Sisters who I love and will always hold dear to me as that was the first photo shoot I worked on at my first job , after graduating college . Then later in the show another cast member performed a song by Ludacris who I also have memories of at a free concert at Rutgers and then later , again at a photo shoot , after I had produced the shoot I was asked to audition to be the bootilicious girl on the back of his motorcycle . ( I didn 't end up getting it because I didn 't have the amount of junk thPosted by I didn 't mention earlier in my post but my visitor last week was S from London . I had met S almost exactly a year ago in Bangkok and I was completely smitten . I thought , after all the guys I 've dated , I had finally figured it out . He was the first half Thai guy I 've ever dated who also spoke the language and has grown up in Bangkok but lives abroad . He was always a true gentleman with me and kept in touch throughout the year , calling to tell me he misses me and to remind me how beautiful I am ( in his British accent that didn 't hurt ) . A few weeks back he called me to tell me he booked his ticket to New York . I was filled with nerves . I had fantasized about us meeting again after all this time and couldn 't believe he was really coming . But the timing couldn 't have been any worse . I had just started seeing someone . I haven 't been seeing him long enough to rule out everyone else completely but I also knew that I was going to have a hard time not thinking about him . I fretted about S 's visit as the day got closer . What if it 's awkward ? What if I don 't like him ? What if I do like him ? I didn 't have a choice but to just wait and see . From the moment he arrived it was nothing that I had expected . He came with a friend ( I had thought he was coming alone ) and already had a dinner party planned for the evening . A year ago I imagined waiting for him at the airport , running into his arms when I spotted him , and rushing back to the hotel to order room service and just catch up in private . So dinner with 9 other people was not how I imagined our first night . I was nervous to see him and uncomfortable around all of these strangers . To make it worse , I couldn 't stand the strangers . They were the spoiled , rich kids that I avoid here in New York . Over dinner I learned that the things he wanted to do in New York was nothing that I would 've taken him to . As the night went on , and the more drinks I had , I started to see everything so much more clear . He was not the guy I wanted to be with . We had fit together so well in Thailand , someonePosted by I am so worn out from the weekend . If it could be summed up with one word it would be disappointment . I want to turn off my phone and stay in bed with a book for a week . My body aches , my heart hurts . . . I need a vacation from this town , from myself . . . I 've been dying to blog about this for a week now . It was my best friend , Romy 's , birthday last week and I decided to make her a friendship necklace like the ones we used to wear in middle school where each person wears half a heart . Except , those are pretty corny for grown women . So I made her an updated friendship necklace out of our running inside joke about dinosaurs . I ordered her a brontosaurus charm and I got a T - rex charm from CuteAbility 's etsy shop . And since our 10 year High School Reunion is rounding the corner we 've jokingly been calling each other Romy and Michele and so I ordered her a charm from Tiny Tokens Designs that says Romy and mine says Michele . I didn 't photograph her necklace but here 's an image of mine . Isn 't it the cutest ? Wow - I haven 't posted in a week ! Where have I been ? Last week I went to dinner at the new Five Napkin Burger in Astoria . I had the original burger and the tuna burger . So yummy ! Then I went to see The Other Guys starring Will Farrell and Mark Walberg , two of my faves . I had the clutch my stomach in laughter throughout the entire movie . On Friday I went on the best bike ride of the summer . I rode to Long Island City to Gantry Park . I had first read about this park from Kate 's blog and had to see it for myself . I rode during sunset , walked along the pier , and laid on a hammock under a crescent moon with a view of the Manhattan skyline . It . Was . Perfect . I stopped by LIC Bar for a glass of wine after , sitting in the outdoor courtyard under a willow tree , I felt like I was in Savannah . I went to a random house party on Saturday night and then brunch at Sparrow Sunday afternoon . Early evening Sunday I took the train to Hoboken to meet Romy and hitch a ride back to the shore with her . We met up with some friends for dinner at Stella Marina in Asbury Park and drinks overlooking the ocean at the Watermark . We finished off the night with beers at The Cottage . Romy and I were so hungover the following morning that we had lunch at Ocean Cafe and then lounged on the couch watching Valentine 's Day . We figured , how bad can a rom com with an all star cast be ? Very . Very . Very . Bad . I do not recommend watching this ever . I got back into Astoria early evening yesterday and went to Afghan Kebab House for dinner ( in honor of my brother ) . It was my first time having Afghani food and it was delicious ! Lamb kebabs are my new fave . That brings me to today where I 'm meeting my friend Tanya for martinis at Les Halles . Phewf ! So that 's where I 've been the past week and weekend . I 've got a friend from London visiting for the next five days so I 'm sure it 'll be another week before the next post ! Hope everyone had a lovely weekend ! I finished reading Anne Lamott 's book , Bird by Bird - Some Intructions on Writing and Life , over the weekend . As a writer , it 's one of the most inspiring books I 've read , next to Stephen King 's On Writing . Lamott covers everything , with wit and honesty , on the writing process from writer 's block to the jealousy we 're bound to feel when everyone else around us is getting published . I felt like she was writing specifically for me and helped me feel a little less crazy , or better , reassured me that all writer 's are crazy and I 'll fit right in with my " hideous conceit and low self esteem in equal measure . " Lamott has so many gems in this book that I 've practically underlined and earmarked every page . Whenever I tell people I 'm writing a book I get a mixture of annoying responses and awe . More annoying than awe , but those that are impressed always say , " Wow , I wouldn 't know where to start . " The fact is , everyday when I sit down to write , I don 't know where to start . I loved this paragraph in her chapter titled , Shitty First Drafts : Very few writers really know what they are doing until they 've done it . Nor do they go about their business feeling dewy and thrilled . They do not type a few stiff warm - up sentences and then find themselves bounding along like huskies across the snow . One writer I know tells me that he sits down every morning and says to himself nicely , " It 's not like you don 't have a choice , because you do - you can either type or kill yourself . " Or . . . rearrange your wardrobe , do some online shopping , break in your new shoes . . . I 've had a bit of a strange day today . I was just feeling out of sorts with a headache and my body felt like it might after I ran a marathon except I wouldn 't know because I 've never ran one . Yesterday , I was getting some sun on the roof when some ideas just came to me and I packed up my stuff after 30 minutes outside to race to my desk and start writing everything down before I forgot . I wrote and wrote , with 4 cups of coffee worth of energy , until I hit a wall at 11PM . Today I woke up before my alarm at 7AM . I got out of bed and checked my email , read the news , and caught up on some blogs . I texted my best friend and wished her a happy birthday . I got restless and also called her which woke her and she wasn 't happy with me . At 9AM I decided to go to the bank and deposit some money which makes me happy to see in the account but I know it will just go to bills in a few days . I picked up a raspberry mocha frappacino from Starbucks on the way home . I thought , this day is perfect already . Starbucks is a rare treat for me . I ate some leftover whole wheat pancakes while watching Real Housewives of DC . After an hour of the show , at 11AM , I forced myself to sit down in front of the computer to write . It is now 9 : 43 PM . In almost ELEVEN hours I 've managed to do everything EXCEPT write down one word . I emailed some friends I haven 't talked to in almost a year , took countless pictures of Gus , scrolled through Barnes & Nobles to add new books to the cue , read some of Bret Easton Ellis 's Imperial Bedrooms , ordered a new ink cartridge from Best Buy , organized my digital photos , took 2 naps , and looked through every album that every Facebook friend of mine has ever posted . And then I looked through the photos of friends of friends on Facebook , all of whom I don 't know . ( I do love when you 're able to view these albums though ) . My mom called not too long ago ( from Thailand ) which squeezed my heart because she sounded so sad . She kept saying the distance was too much for her and that she hoped I could move there to be near her . All Posted by I finally saw 500 Days of Summer during one of my sick days . I love watching movies without having seen previews or knowing the storyline because I have no expectations . I remember hearing some say , " Don 't watch it . It 's so sad , " and others saying , " It 's refreshing to see a real depiction of relationships and not the romantic stuff that never happens in real life . " The plot is summarized as " an offbeat romantic comedy about a woman who doesn 't believe true love exists , and the young man who falls for her . " My roommate didn 't think it was realistic , that not many girls would be as disinterested in finding love as Zooey Deschanel 's character . Aside from not believing that anyone would turn down someone who looks like Joseph Gordon - Levitt and dressed in cute vests and ties like his character , Tom Hansen , I thought the movie was a great depiction of love and heartbreak . I loved the scene where Tom was dancing in the streets after having sex with Summer for the first time . Who hasn 't unknowingly smiled the entire day and wished they could high five everyone who passed them after great sex with a crush ? And after a bad day where he 's on the streets in his bathrobe after buying whiskey and ding dongs and he yells at the couple holding hands to get a room . Who hasn 't wished happy couples could disappear for your sake and only allowed to return when you 're having a better day ? And I loved the line where Tom 's little sister tells him , " I know you think she was the one but I don 't think she was . I think you 're only remembering the good stuff . " It is much easier to get over someone when you take off the pedestal glasses and admit that it wasn 't perfect . Ok , I won 't spoil any more of the movie for you . I 'll just say that I think it 's a great movie for anyone who has stopped believing in love . Relationships aren 't all kissing in the rain and riding off in the sunset . You 're bound to get your heartbroken at least once and chances are you 're only remembering the good stuff . Can you tell that I haven 't been out much in the past week ? All I 've done is hang out with Gus and take pictures of him . I could never get enough though . Gus in a bag : Gus trying not to look at the camera : Gus sitting on my notes and writing glasses : Guess that means I can 't do any work ! I 've been sick for the past week and could barely get out of bed . ( Being sick in the summer is the worst ! ) I finally started feeling better on Friday and felt I deserved a present for the tough week I had . ( Ok , I deserve a swift kick in the butt for staying in bed all week , but still ) . I bought myself this cute duster Love ring from Top Shop . And in case you 're wondering my nail polish is Minted by Revlon . It 's my new favorite color . On Friday night I headed over to a rooftop in the Lower East Side for Miss Brit 's birthday celebration . I can 't believe 3 years has gone by already since I met her . Her mom got her a carrot cake but forgot utensils . Hey , she can 't be in charge of everything , right ? I love this photo : We managed to eat it just fine . I actually almost sat in it . ( My sploshing days are long behind me , no pun intended ) . A little city friend stopped by to say hello . . . It was a lovely evening but later in the night I started to not feel so great and when I woke up Saturday morning I was full blown sick . I 've been in bed all of Sunday and most of today . Luckily , it 's shark week ( those poor little seals ! ) and bachelorette finale tonight so I don 't feel like I 'm wasting time on the sofa . Last Monday my old roommate , Andrew , came back for a visit . It was a gorgeous summer day and I headed over to the Frying Pan , an old sunken ship that 's been turned into a bar , to meet them for a drink . I should 've known there 's never one drink with these guys . I can 't complain about drinking margaritas and eating shrimp , calamari , and mussels on a boat with the sun setting over the Manhattan skyline in the background . I 've missed hanging out with these guys . . . Last Sunday I was having a bit of a lazy day where I didn 't want to go anywhere or do anything . I figured if I was going to stay home I should at least clean my apartment and make my space more livable . I cleaned the place from top to bottom and decided I deserved a little reward . I ordered these awesome Paris skyline pillowcases from Urban Outfitters . If I can 't get to Paris this year at least I can rest my head on these pillows and dream . I can 't believe it 's August already . I say this every time it 's the first of a new month but time really flies . I don 't want summer to end but I do want the time to fly so that I get to see my brother in February . sigh .
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Yesterday may have been the best day I 've had this summer . I have been feeling really down lately and decided last minute that I needed to get out of town . I called up Romy , who lives at the shore , and told her I 'm coming over . She picked me up from the train station , we picked up some wraps from our favorite wrap place , Ocean Cafe , and headed straight to the beach . I couldn 't imagine a more perfect afternoon . There was not a cloud in the sky and we sat on the beach eating our wraps , drinking fresh juice iced tea , and catching up on gossip ( which helped take my mind off things ) . Around 5 PM we decided to head back to the house and shower up and that 's when we learned that the power had gone out in the entire town and the surrounding towns . We snacked on a small bowl of cheerios ( the simplest things are so yummy when you 're hungry ) and then showered . Since the power was still out we had to shower by candle light which made me wonder why I don 't do that more often . It 's so relaxing ! After we were all cleaned up we headed to the Tiki Bar to wait out the power outage since Romy needed to stop by the office to finish up some work . As we drove through the town all the street lights were out and it seemed all restaurants and businesses were closed . Thankfully , the Tiki Bar which was part of the Ocean Place Hotel was the only place still open , running on a generator . Halleluja ! ! We rushed to the bar for a frozen pina colada . Mmmmm ! As we continued to wait for power we realized that we also weren 't getting any cell phone signal . We were really starting to feel like we were stranded on survivor island . Two guys approached us and asked if they could join us . They seemed harmless enough ( oh little did we know ! ) so we told them to pull up a chair . This is where the night took a turn from a relaxing " dinner and drinks " night to the debauchery that ensued . Romy was a little concerned about how we were going to get dinner in since every restaurant was closed . I told her that I thought dinner and getting back to work was gonna be a lPosted by I was watching Seinfeld last night and it was the episode where George tells Jerry that he 's got a date . Jerry asked George how Susan , a woman who he is seeing , would feel about that . George , oblivious , asked why she would care . Jerry explains that he 's been seeing her for a while and it might not be ok to be seeing other people . George still seems perplexed by this so Jerry says , " Well let me ask you something , how often do you guys talk ? On the regular ? " " No , " George answers , " just about 5 times a week . " " And are Saturday plans implied or do you have to ask ? " " Well , um , uh , they 're implied , " George admits . " And what about your medicine cabinet ? Is there anything of hers in there ? " " Well , just some moisturizer and stuff , " George answers . " And what about Tampax , George ? Is there Tampax in your apartment ? " Jerry asks . " Well , uh , . . . . . yeah , " George grudgingly answers . " Then it 's official , " Jerry says , " she 's your girlfriend . " I was skyping with my sister last night and we were pondering the same topic . When does a guy become your boyfriend ? Officially , we mean . Is it implied after a certain amount of time ? And how long ? Or does there have to be a " talk ? " I was seeing a guy for 5 months and never once was it assumed that he was my boyfriend , which was a good thing , since a girlfriend was the last thing he wanted . If I 'm going by Jerry Seinfeld 's definition of a girlfriend , well , I haven 't talked to someone on the regular , had implied weekend dates , or left any of my personal belongings at someone 's apartment in 4 years . ( Leaving stuff on purpose to have an excuse to call them doesn 't count . That confirms you 're not a girlfriend ) . Last night I met a friend for a drink at Vyne in the West Village and then he surprised me by taking me to a show at Joe 's Pub . He wouldn 't tell me what we were seeing and I just had no idea what to expect . Burlesque ? Comedy ? Music ? Well it turned out it was kinda a little bit of everything . We went to see a show called Our Hit Parade where the cast takes songs from the week 's number 1 charts and turns them into comical singing skits . I still had no idea what to expect when this was explained to me but then the first performer got on stage and sang Billionaire by Travie McCoy in a sultry burlesque style . I almost fell out of my chair laughing , it was genius . I 've always been a closet not so closet pop music fan and I realize I love it for the same reason that most people hate it ; The really stupid lyrics . It 's just dumb and that 's why I like it . So taken out of it 's original context , sung by certain pop stars who can say anything on a track and it would sell , it just makes the lyrics sound even more ridiculous . I had to laugh at myself when I realized I had just downloaded into my iTunes the first 3 songs they performed ; Billionaire , Magic , and Cooler Than Me . After the disappointing weekend I had this was exactly the pick me up that I needed . A random night at a random event to remind me just how much I love this city and all that it has to offer . And to top it off I ran into a few editors from Time Out including the managing editor who had first interviewed and hired me . And during the show the cast kept referencing the Scissor Sisters who I love and will always hold dear to me as that was the first photo shoot I worked on at my first job , after graduating college . Then later in the show another cast member performed a song by Ludacris who I also have memories of at a free concert at Rutgers and then later , again at a photo shoot , after I had produced the shoot I was asked to audition to be the bootilicious girl on the back of his motorcycle . ( I didn 't end up getting it because I didn 't have the amount of junk thPosted by I didn 't mention earlier in my post but my visitor last week was S from London . I had met S almost exactly a year ago in Bangkok and I was completely smitten . I thought , after all the guys I 've dated , I had finally figured it out . He was the first half Thai guy I 've ever dated who also spoke the language and has grown up in Bangkok but lives abroad . He was always a true gentleman with me and kept in touch throughout the year , calling to tell me he misses me and to remind me how beautiful I am ( in his British accent that didn 't hurt ) . A few weeks back he called me to tell me he booked his ticket to New York . I was filled with nerves . I had fantasized about us meeting again after all this time and couldn 't believe he was really coming . But the timing couldn 't have been any worse . I had just started seeing someone . I haven 't been seeing him long enough to rule out everyone else completely but I also knew that I was going to have a hard time not thinking about him . I fretted about S 's visit as the day got closer . What if it 's awkward ? What if I don 't like him ? What if I do like him ? I didn 't have a choice but to just wait and see . From the moment he arrived it was nothing that I had expected . He came with a friend ( I had thought he was coming alone ) and already had a dinner party planned for the evening . A year ago I imagined waiting for him at the airport , running into his arms when I spotted him , and rushing back to the hotel to order room service and just catch up in private . So dinner with 9 other people was not how I imagined our first night . I was nervous to see him and uncomfortable around all of these strangers . To make it worse , I couldn 't stand the strangers . They were the spoiled , rich kids that I avoid here in New York . Over dinner I learned that the things he wanted to do in New York was nothing that I would 've taken him to . As the night went on , and the more drinks I had , I started to see everything so much more clear . He was not the guy I wanted to be with . We had fit together so well in Thailand , someonePosted by I am so worn out from the weekend . If it could be summed up with one word it would be disappointment . I want to turn off my phone and stay in bed with a book for a week . My body aches , my heart hurts . . . I need a vacation from this town , from myself . . . I 've been dying to blog about this for a week now . It was my best friend , Romy 's , birthday last week and I decided to make her a friendship necklace like the ones we used to wear in middle school where each person wears half a heart . Except , those are pretty corny for grown women . So I made her an updated friendship necklace out of our running inside joke about dinosaurs . I ordered her a brontosaurus charm and I got a T - rex charm from CuteAbility 's etsy shop . And since our 10 year High School Reunion is rounding the corner we 've jokingly been calling each other Romy and Michele and so I ordered her a charm from Tiny Tokens Designs that says Romy and mine says Michele . I didn 't photograph her necklace but here 's an image of mine . Isn 't it the cutest ? Wow - I haven 't posted in a week ! Where have I been ? Last week I went to dinner at the new Five Napkin Burger in Astoria . I had the original burger and the tuna burger . So yummy ! Then I went to see The Other Guys starring Will Farrell and Mark Walberg , two of my faves . I had the clutch my stomach in laughter throughout the entire movie . On Friday I went on the best bike ride of the summer . I rode to Long Island City to Gantry Park . I had first read about this park from Kate 's blog and had to see it for myself . I rode during sunset , walked along the pier , and laid on a hammock under a crescent moon with a view of the Manhattan skyline . It . Was . Perfect . I stopped by LIC Bar for a glass of wine after , sitting in the outdoor courtyard under a willow tree , I felt like I was in Savannah . I went to a random house party on Saturday night and then brunch at Sparrow Sunday afternoon . Early evening Sunday I took the train to Hoboken to meet Romy and hitch a ride back to the shore with her . We met up with some friends for dinner at Stella Marina in Asbury Park and drinks overlooking the ocean at the Watermark . We finished off the night with beers at The Cottage . Romy and I were so hungover the following morning that we had lunch at Ocean Cafe and then lounged on the couch watching Valentine 's Day . We figured , how bad can a rom com with an all star cast be ? Very . Very . Very . Bad . I do not recommend watching this ever . I got back into Astoria early evening yesterday and went to Afghan Kebab House for dinner ( in honor of my brother ) . It was my first time having Afghani food and it was delicious ! Lamb kebabs are my new fave . That brings me to today where I 'm meeting my friend Tanya for martinis at Les Halles . Phewf ! So that 's where I 've been the past week and weekend . I 've got a friend from London visiting for the next five days so I 'm sure it 'll be another week before the next post ! Hope everyone had a lovely weekend ! I finished reading Anne Lamott 's book , Bird by Bird - Some Intructions on Writing and Life , over the weekend . As a writer , it 's one of the most inspiring books I 've read , next to Stephen King 's On Writing . Lamott covers everything , with wit and honesty , on the writing process from writer 's block to the jealousy we 're bound to feel when everyone else around us is getting published . I felt like she was writing specifically for me and helped me feel a little less crazy , or better , reassured me that all writer 's are crazy and I 'll fit right in with my " hideous conceit and low self esteem in equal measure . " Lamott has so many gems in this book that I 've practically underlined and earmarked every page . Whenever I tell people I 'm writing a book I get a mixture of annoying responses and awe . More annoying than awe , but those that are impressed always say , " Wow , I wouldn 't know where to start . " The fact is , everyday when I sit down to write , I don 't know where to start . I loved this paragraph in her chapter titled , Shitty First Drafts : Very few writers really know what they are doing until they 've done it . Nor do they go about their business feeling dewy and thrilled . They do not type a few stiff warm - up sentences and then find themselves bounding along like huskies across the snow . One writer I know tells me that he sits down every morning and says to himself nicely , " It 's not like you don 't have a choice , because you do - you can either type or kill yourself . " Or . . . rearrange your wardrobe , do some online shopping , break in your new shoes . . . I 've had a bit of a strange day today . I was just feeling out of sorts with a headache and my body felt like it might after I ran a marathon except I wouldn 't know because I 've never ran one . Yesterday , I was getting some sun on the roof when some ideas just came to me and I packed up my stuff after 30 minutes outside to race to my desk and start writing everything down before I forgot . I wrote and wrote , with 4 cups of coffee worth of energy , until I hit a wall at 11PM . Today I woke up before my alarm at 7AM . I got out of bed and checked my email , read the news , and caught up on some blogs . I texted my best friend and wished her a happy birthday . I got restless and also called her which woke her and she wasn 't happy with me . At 9AM I decided to go to the bank and deposit some money which makes me happy to see in the account but I know it will just go to bills in a few days . I picked up a raspberry mocha frappacino from Starbucks on the way home . I thought , this day is perfect already . Starbucks is a rare treat for me . I ate some leftover whole wheat pancakes while watching Real Housewives of DC . After an hour of the show , at 11AM , I forced myself to sit down in front of the computer to write . It is now 9 : 43 PM . In almost ELEVEN hours I 've managed to do everything EXCEPT write down one word . I emailed some friends I haven 't talked to in almost a year , took countless pictures of Gus , scrolled through Barnes & Nobles to add new books to the cue , read some of Bret Easton Ellis 's Imperial Bedrooms , ordered a new ink cartridge from Best Buy , organized my digital photos , took 2 naps , and looked through every album that every Facebook friend of mine has ever posted . And then I looked through the photos of friends of friends on Facebook , all of whom I don 't know . ( I do love when you 're able to view these albums though ) . My mom called not too long ago ( from Thailand ) which squeezed my heart because she sounded so sad . She kept saying the distance was too much for her and that she hoped I could move there to be near her . All Posted by I finally saw 500 Days of Summer during one of my sick days . I love watching movies without having seen previews or knowing the storyline because I have no expectations . I remember hearing some say , " Don 't watch it . It 's so sad , " and others saying , " It 's refreshing to see a real depiction of relationships and not the romantic stuff that never happens in real life . " The plot is summarized as " an offbeat romantic comedy about a woman who doesn 't believe true love exists , and the young man who falls for her . " My roommate didn 't think it was realistic , that not many girls would be as disinterested in finding love as Zooey Deschanel 's character . Aside from not believing that anyone would turn down someone who looks like Joseph Gordon - Levitt and dressed in cute vests and ties like his character , Tom Hansen , I thought the movie was a great depiction of love and heartbreak . I loved the scene where Tom was dancing in the streets after having sex with Summer for the first time . Who hasn 't unknowingly smiled the entire day and wished they could high five everyone who passed them after great sex with a crush ? And after a bad day where he 's on the streets in his bathrobe after buying whiskey and ding dongs and he yells at the couple holding hands to get a room . Who hasn 't wished happy couples could disappear for your sake and only allowed to return when you 're having a better day ? And I loved the line where Tom 's little sister tells him , " I know you think she was the one but I don 't think she was . I think you 're only remembering the good stuff . " It is much easier to get over someone when you take off the pedestal glasses and admit that it wasn 't perfect . Ok , I won 't spoil any more of the movie for you . I 'll just say that I think it 's a great movie for anyone who has stopped believing in love . Relationships aren 't all kissing in the rain and riding off in the sunset . You 're bound to get your heartbroken at least once and chances are you 're only remembering the good stuff . Can you tell that I haven 't been out much in the past week ? All I 've done is hang out with Gus and take pictures of him . I could never get enough though . Gus in a bag : Gus trying not to look at the camera : Gus sitting on my notes and writing glasses : Guess that means I can 't do any work ! I 've been sick for the past week and could barely get out of bed . ( Being sick in the summer is the worst ! ) I finally started feeling better on Friday and felt I deserved a present for the tough week I had . ( Ok , I deserve a swift kick in the butt for staying in bed all week , but still ) . I bought myself this cute duster Love ring from Top Shop . And in case you 're wondering my nail polish is Minted by Revlon . It 's my new favorite color . On Friday night I headed over to a rooftop in the Lower East Side for Miss Brit 's birthday celebration . I can 't believe 3 years has gone by already since I met her . Her mom got her a carrot cake but forgot utensils . Hey , she can 't be in charge of everything , right ? I love this photo : We managed to eat it just fine . I actually almost sat in it . ( My sploshing days are long behind me , no pun intended ) . A little city friend stopped by to say hello . . . It was a lovely evening but later in the night I started to not feel so great and when I woke up Saturday morning I was full blown sick . I 've been in bed all of Sunday and most of today . Luckily , it 's shark week ( those poor little seals ! ) and bachelorette finale tonight so I don 't feel like I 'm wasting time on the sofa . Last Monday my old roommate , Andrew , came back for a visit . It was a gorgeous summer day and I headed over to the Frying Pan , an old sunken ship that 's been turned into a bar , to meet them for a drink . I should 've known there 's never one drink with these guys . I can 't complain about drinking margaritas and eating shrimp , calamari , and mussels on a boat with the sun setting over the Manhattan skyline in the background . I 've missed hanging out with these guys . . . Last Sunday I was having a bit of a lazy day where I didn 't want to go anywhere or do anything . I figured if I was going to stay home I should at least clean my apartment and make my space more livable . I cleaned the place from top to bottom and decided I deserved a little reward . I ordered these awesome Paris skyline pillowcases from Urban Outfitters . If I can 't get to Paris this year at least I can rest my head on these pillows and dream . I can 't believe it 's August already . I say this every time it 's the first of a new month but time really flies . I don 't want summer to end but I do want the time to fly so that I get to see my brother in February . sigh .
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Mexico , Maine sits in a valley or " River Valley " as we call the area , because I suppose you can 't have one without the other . The hills are low and worn and carved by the waters surrounding them , and trees line the rivers , which confine the town . It 's a paper mill town where smokestacks poke holes in the smog they create . That 's money coming out of those smokestacks , my father used to say about the rotten - smelling upriver drafts that surfaced when the weather shifted . That smell loitered amid the high school softball games I played beneath those stacks and lingered on my father 's shirtsleeves when he came home from work , allowing me to forgive the rank odor for what it provided . From the porch steps of the house where I grew up , to the right , you 'll see a street of clapboarded homes , the quiet interrupted every now and then by a braking logging truck . A mile or two out of town , the road narrows and small creeks knit through pastures shadowed by hills , a working farm or two , a long straight road , and smells of cut hay , muddy cow paths , rotting leaves , or black ice , depending on the time of year . The seasons , they calendared our lives . To the left of the porch , you 'll see the end of the road . There , the pavement dips down to reveal the town 's only traffic light , a gas station , and the roof of the Family Dollar Store . Behind the store lies the wide , slow - moving Androscoggin River . Just beyond the Androscoggin , on an island in the neighboring town of Rumford , the paper mill 's largest smokestack emerges like a giant concrete finger . From anywhere in town you can orient yourself to this stack or the ever - present ca - chink ca - chink ca - chink of the mill 's conveyor belts and find your way home , even from a pitch - black walk in the woods . When mill shutdowns occur for holidays or layoffs , the smokeless stacks resemble the diseased birch trees dying throughout New England . Article continues after advertisement My parents ' house sighs with winter 's leftover lethargy . Spring has arrived in Maine with driveways full of mud and sculled up snow - plow debris ; salt stains , shredded earth , and derelict mittens lie in the wake of its embracing path . A few dirty buttresses of snow linger like pocked monoliths , meting out the new season 's arrival . The swollen Androscoggin pushes flotsam downriver in the commotion of spring 's thaw , and insect hatches will soon begin bursting along its surface until summer opens like an oven . My mother comes out on the porch where I 'm standing . Want to go for a walk ? she asks , her face pinched with the sharpness of her father 's death . We head up Highland Terrace and stop to peek in the windows of an abandoned house , one I always liked , with its wraparound porch , turreted roof , and buttercup - yellow paint . The owner is sick but refuses to sell the house , my mother says as we walk across the battered porch . So it sits there , this once elegant home , shedding its brightness , yellow flecking the half - frozen ground . Spray - painted in the road near the driveway : " Fuck you , bitch . " The fug of the mill swallows us . Ahead , we reach the top of the hill , and there , my old high school . To the east , snowmobile trails and abutting them , the mill 's decommissioned landfill . To the west , the football field slices the horizon and beyond that , lazy fingers of smoke lick the sky . We walk inside the school , and my mother stops in the office to chat with the principal . The lobby smells of Band - Aids , warm mashed potatoes , and damp socks . Being there reminds me of Greg , my high school on - again , off - again lumberjackish boyfriend who lived near the town incinerator . I loved him like I would a sorry stuffed animal , one who had lost an eye or whose fur was rubbed raw . Kelly , a girl who wore her black , perfectly feathered hair like a weapon , was in love with him too . When he and I fought - usually because of her - I 'd listen to sad songs on my cassette player over and over until he 'd call and I 'd forgive him in a pattern of everlasting redemption . I only saw Greg once since I graduated . He came to my parents ' one Christmas break when I was home from college . He and my mother caught up while I leaned against the kitchen countertop across the room . Peckerhead , my father said when he entered the room . He called all boys I dated " Peckerhead " but only if he liked them . If he didn 't , my father would sit at our kitchen table like a boulder while the boy fidgeted by the kitchen door in blank - faced silence . Greg eventually married Kelly and got a job at the mill , alongside his sister Janet , who pitched for my high school state championship softball team . After my mother and I leave , we follow the dirt path behind the football field , past Meroby Elementary where I got into a fistfight with Lisa Blodgett . Lisa and I took turns swinging horizontally at each other 's head until a teacher intruded on the brawl . Lisa 's strength was tremendous for a sixth grader , her grit shaped by being one of the youngest girls in a family of 14 kids , most of them boys . When I looked in the mirror that night at home , I was sure I looked different , the way you think you do when you lose your virginity . It was my first and last bare - knuckled fight , except for a few unconvincing swipes at good old Kelly one night at a dance . My best friend , Maureen , who towered over both of us , protected me from Kelly 's sharp , red fingernails . Down Granite Street , an untied dog begins following us , growling . Just ignore him , my mother says . But I hear his snarls over the thrum of the mill . As I turn to look at him the dog sniffs my heels , his tail down . I walk faster . My mother continues talking . The dog gives a final bark and sits down in the middle of the road . I look over my shoulder until we are out of his sight and he is out of ours . Down the hill , past the Green Church , the town hall , the library , the fire station , the post office , we walk through the oversized parking lot at the Family Dollar Store . Someone sits inside the only vehicle parked there eating a sandwich with the windows rolled up and the engine running . Nearby , the vacant lot where the Bowl - O - Drome used to be and behind it , St . Theresa 's , our shuttered Catholic church where Father Cyr gave me my first communion , confirmed me , and listened to my first confession . I 'm sorry I lied to my parents , I said to him , though that itself was a lie . On the corner at the traffic light , a gardening store , a newish shop , to me anyway . Lawn decorations , perennials , stuffed animals , and miniature tchotchkes for terrariums strain the overstocked metal shelves of the store . Most mom - and - pop shops have closed in town , but for a few . In their place , discount stores like Marden 's Surplus & Salvage , Wardwell 's Used Furniture , the What Not Shop Thrift Store , and other such second - hand outlets and pawn shops appeared over the years , as if the people who live here only deserve leftovers . Walmart with its blinking fluorescent lights and the faint smell of formaldehyde , hijacked the rest of the commerce . I am inspecting a snow globe when I hear my mother shout , Kerri , guess who 's here ? Do you know who this is ? Inevitably , she plays this remembering game , usually in the grocery store , where she will stand next to someone , grab his or her arm as if she were a koala , and ask me , do you remember so - and - so ? I will stand there frozen , in the frozen foods , staring at my mother and the person she has grabbed , their eyes like dinner plates , waiting for my answer . Sure , yes , I remember you ! I had said earlier that same day to Mr . Martineau , the man who lives across the street from my grandfather . After Mr . Martineau left the store my mother told me he has Alzheimer 's . He doesn 't remember you , she said . Kerri , come see who 's here ! she shouts again . I walk around the aisle like Gulliver , jiggling the doll - sized plastic floral arrangements , pitching the teeny flowers to and fro . My mother raises her arms upward like a magician . DO YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS ? Hi . Long time no see , the woman says . Yeah , what is it , about twenty years ? I say . Her dry yellow bangs slump over oversized round glasses that hide pink powdered cheeks . On her bulky sweatshirt , something plaid . Where do you live now ? she asks , leaning on the counter , arms crossed like a fortress . California , I say , feeling bad , not knowing why . San Francisco ! I clarify . Oh , I went there once . Didn 't like it . The people are not very nice . And I never found anything good to eat , she says . I look around the store for my mother , for the exit . It seems quiet around here nowadays . Much less going on than when we were kids , I say . No , not really , she says . Really ? I say , wondering if she means there is something going on or there isn 't . I went by the Recreation Park yesterday . It 's just so . . . so different , I say , hopeful . I glance at her around the periphery of her glasses , our conversation . She stares at me over the top of her rims , as patient as a road , looks at me without blinking : my leather jacket , my Prada eyeglasses , my fitted jeans . Nope , you 're the one that 's different , she says . We leave the store and my mother tells me the mill plans to shut down Number 10 paper machine , and others are on a transitional schedule , meaning they too may lumber to a slow hissing halt . In the past few decades , with technology displacing people and digital media overtaking print , the production of coated magazine paper - our mill 's primary product - has become as precarious as the livelihoods of the men and women who make it . We want to sell the house , but nobody wants to live here anymore , my mother says , panning her hand from one side of the street to the other . Homes sag with ruined lawns - and the families who live in them haven 't fared much better . Around the block , we pass Kimball School where I attended K - 4 . Weeds root in the tar playground and a plastic bag twirls in the damp breeze . A rusty chain - link fence girdles the property . Dr . Edward Martin gutted the school years ago and transformed it into a medical office , but after he died , the building closed up permanently . Broken glass breaches the milkweed that surrounds the maple tree we had sought shade under during recess . Down the street , my grandfather 's house , buttoned up , the furnace long expired . Remnants of crabgrass and soggy leaves flatten his once thriving garden . Mr . Martineau , who my mother and I saw at the grocery store earlier , emerges from the house across the street . He waves . We wave back . My mother and I walk home in silence . Halfway there , I run my hand along the cool green iron railing that parallels the sidewalk and snag my sweater on it . The rusted , dismembered rail is scattered in bits at the bottom of the banking . On my way from school , I 'd roll on my side down that banking , again and again . With grass stains on my clothes , I 'd run home , as if my head was made of that same iron rail and my house was magnetic north . I see the porch of our house from several blocks away , and it looks as it 's always looked , only smaller as things often appear when you are older . My mother and I stomp our feet on the front porch to dislodge road grime from our boots . I can 't imagine what will happen if the mill closes , my mother says , as she opens the door . So many people are out of work already , she clarifies . It will be a ghost town . I take off my coat while my mother digs out the local newspaper , her forefinger thumping a news article about the mill . We have to sell the house , she says . But she has been saying this for years . Brick - by - brick - five million to be exact - Chisholm assembled the houses with long - lasting materials for what he hoped would be a long - lasting industry : slate roofs , granite foundations , handmade headers and balustrades , concrete steps , plaster walls . He even wallpapered the living rooms . Now , broken snowmobiles and other lifeless remnants litter front lawns , and listing , half - baked additions or porches scab the once pristine houses . Sheets shroud leaded glass windows , their bottoms knotted to let in light or keep rooms dark . Garbage lies in heaps alongside scattered woodpiles and abandoned bright plastic toys are half - covered in snow and dog shit . Wind chimes tinkle above the din of a yowling mutt . The road is a glacier . I mince my way along the icy path ahead . Wandering around in this forlorn landscape , I think later that night , it is a ghost town , a place all but vanished but for its dull eggy odor . It complied with my memory of it , yet it also did not , a blend of nostalgia and something else as unrecognizable as the back of my own head . It 's not where we grew up , a childhood friend said to me years ago . What , then , was it ? It was home , that much I knew , and home is the heart of human identity , a blurry backdrop like that fake plastic tree I leaned on during my high school senior photograph . When I was a kid , my mother stayed home while my father worked : her making pot roast , him making smokestack money . We explored the world through textbooks , Matchbox cars , and made classroom dioramas of what we thought a Mayan village or a Midwestern dairy farm looked like . The rest of the world seemed to be New Hampshire or Canada . Families didn 't go on overseas vacations , or hardly even interstate . Our lives were focused inward . . . Red Sox scores , union strikes , and long gas station lines in the 70s , though nobody ever connected the high price of fuel to what was happening in other countries . For us , it was just inconvenient . Monumental changes were happening in America . However , there were no movements in Mexico and Rumford but for the men walking across the footbridge to work . Blue - collar families like mine were more likely to dry bras on a clothesline than burn them . We lived in a Shrinky - Dink world where everything was there , just smaller . We were lucky in this , felt safe with our doors unlocked at night and ameliorated most of our sins within the latched doors of St . Theresa 's confessional . At nighttime football games we watched our high school fire - twirling majorettes toss their batons skyward in a spinning , blazing fan . They caught them dead center every time . Those kerosene - soaked batons in the dusk of autumn , they smelled of permanence . One year blended into the next with only slight differences in star athletes or town leaders and sometimes one turned into the other . Family businesses occupied Main Street , anchored by the Chicken Coop . " Good Eatin ' That 's Our Greetin ' ! " their tagline declared in flat , red paint . On Wednesdays the Bowl - O - Drome hosted my gum - chewing junior high league , and on Fridays it murmured with the sporty jesting of my father 's league . I bought penny candy from the variety store next to the bowling alley , as did my mother , as did hers . Up and down the street , businesses opened and closed their doors with the seasons , the economy , and the sun : Lazarou 's car dealership , the Dairy Queen , RadioShack , Dick 's Restaurant , and our radio station , WRUM . The footbridge to the mill spans the Androscoggin where Main Street tapers off . Three generations of my family and exponential relatives worked there , as did most people who spread cretons on their toast before clocking in . We were stamped out like Christmas cookies , as good French Catholics were . We got up , ate , worked , and went to bed , deriving small pleasures between the routine and sometimes because of it . In the drowsy summertime , when the sun dipped low over the foothills and the humidity of the day invaded kitchens and bedrooms , people in our town flocked to their porches . There , they chatted while dusk knit itself into a tight blanket . The sounds of clinking dishes , faint music , vehicles purring , and light - as - vapor laughter scented the air . Night fell like a bruise . During those school - less days , I often sat on the dusty curb in front of our house and counted the out - of - state license plates as they sped by on their way to somewhere else . When I could finally drive myself I 'd cruise around Rumford and Mexico with all the other teenagers , pivoting our used Monte Carlo in the Tourist Information Booth parking lot before another revolution through town . My parents thought the Information Booth was where all the " druggies " hung out , and sometimes the pot smokers did , but really , it was a harmless venue in a small town with nothing else to do but drive around in aimless circles . My parents shaped their own well - worn paths . While my father walked back and forth across the bridge to work , my mother lugged laundry up and down the cellar stairs , day after day , one skinny arm cradling the laundry basket , her free hand gripping a Viceroy . With a screech and a whack , the screen door would slam shut after she elbowed it open . She would dump clean laundry on the kitchen table , snap each article of clothing three times , fold them sharply into tight wedges of fabric , and stack them like the reams of white paper my father brought home from the mill . When the screen door wore out , my mother replaced it with a new one that came with a squeaky spring . She left it defective , announcing herself into infinity with only my father to hear . His hearing , long dulled by the hum of paper machines , was the perfect match to her perpetual clamor . She 'd let her Viceroy expire before finishing it and send me to fetch her a new pack from the corner store . I 'll time you , she 'd say . Now GO ! And off I went . Go ? She didn 't need to tell me twice . In Mexico and Rumford , what we needed , we had . Everyone knew everyone and we liked it that way - for what other way was there ? It was quite the place , my mother says . There was never any reason to leave . Things stayed in this balance , with minor adjustments every now and then until small working - class towns started to ebb alongside the industries that nourished them . I still gag every time I drink a glass of water , a reflex that emerged in my youth when I lived within a football field 's reach of the mill and the Androscoggin . At the time , I sweetened the mephitic water with Tang or Zarex or drank no water at all . But as an adult , the memory of our drinking water 's brackish and sweetish chemical smell / taste , combined with the sour air above it , precipitates what feels like smothering when I put glass to lips . By 1970 , when I was three , the river 's dissolved oxygen level was exactly zero . Newsweek named the Androscoggin one of the ten filthiest rivers in the United States . Everything in the river died . Don 't eat the fish , we were always told , but we couldn 't have anyway because we never saw any to catch . There also were no swimmers , fishermen , or boaters in the river William B . Lapham , in his 1890 book , History of Rumford , called it " beautiful , " noting " the scenery bordering upon it is picturesque and often grand . " If you squint , the Androscoggin still fits Lapham 's description . But if you open your eyes , you 'll see what was invisible to me my whole life : the mill 's pollutants hovering low over the naturally formed glacial bowl of our valley and in the toxic sludge congregating in landfills and the riverbed . What I did see when I was young , however , was the rainbow - colored foam eddying on the river 's edge , which was as enchanting as the gray " mill snow " that floated softly up from the smokestacks and down upon any surface in town . What did we all do ? We plugged our noses and placed our drinking glasses upside down in the cupboard so ash wouldn 't get in our milk . The pollution was as trapped as we were . Dioxin , cadmium , benzene , lead , naphthalene , nitrous oxide , sulfur dioxide , arsenic , furans , trichlorobenzene , chloroform , mercury , phthalates : these are some of the byproducts of modern - day papermaking . Non - Hodgkin 's lymphoma , lung cancer , prostate cancer , aplastic anemia , esophageal cancer , asbestosis , Ewing 's sarcoma , emphysema , cancer of the brain , cancer of the heart : these are some of the illnesses appearing in Rumford and Mexico . Occasionally in suspicious - looking clusters , sometimes in generations of families , often in high percentages . When anyone tried to connect the dots between the mill 's pollution with these illnesses , logic was met with justification , personal experience with excuse , stories with statistics , disease with blame . Between 1980 and 1988 , 74 cases of aplastic anemia , a rare and serious blood disorder , are recorded in the River Valley . It is the highest rate in the state . A study is ordered to find the cause . Researchers examine potential environmental and occupational sources , such as benzene , a chemical used in papermaking and a known cause of cancer in humans . Each aplastic anemia case gets parsed : some are eliminated from the study because they are referrals from other hospitals ; some are eliminated because the stated diagnosis didn 't fit into the strict scientific criteria ; some are eliminated because certain cancer treatments themselves cause aplastic anemia . In the final report , nobody can determine the exact cause . It is as if nobody ever had the disease at all . 1991 . In rapid succession , five people in Rumford and Mexico are diagnosed with non - Hodgkin 's lymphoma , a rare form of blood cancer associated with exposure to dioxin , a toxic chemical formed in the paper - bleaching process . WCVB , a Boston TV station investigates the flurry of diagnoses in their news series Chronicle and calls the episode , " Cancer Valley . " During this time , the Dana - Farber Cancer Institute in Boston asks our town physician , " What the hell 's going on in Rumford ? We 're getting all these kids with cancer coming in from your area . " The Los Angeles Times talks to our state representative , Ida Luther : " We have a very , very high cancer rate , but we always have lived with that . Nobody can prove anything , but I just can 't see how tons and tons of air pollutants going into the air can do you any good . At the same time , I don 't want to make [ the paper mill ] out to be a villain . They 're here to make paper and - there 's no question about it - this valley depends upon that paper mill . " The mill responds by claiming there 's " no clear link between mill wastes and cancer or other diseases . " 2004 . Cancer remains the leading cause of death in Maine . 2010 . Toxic environmental exposures associated with childhood illnesses cost Maine about $ 380 million every year , according to the 2010 Economic Assessment of Children 's Health and the Environment in Maine . 2012 . A headline from Maine 's Kennebec Journal : " Some Label Toxin Spike as Positive ; pulp and paper industry says increase is a good sign , state officials not alarmed . " What doesn 't alarm state officials and the Maine Pulp and Paper Association are the " 9 . 6 million pounds of chemicals [ that ] were released by 84 Maine mills between 2009 and 2010 , an increase of 1 . 14 million pounds over the previous year " because the increase in pollution shows an increase in papermaking . Our mill is fingered as the number one pollution producer , releasing over three million pounds of toxic chemicals into the environment for those same years . 2012 . Cancer is the leading cause of death in Maine . Dr . Molly Schwenn , director of the Maine Cancer Registry , tenders an explanation . She says contributing to Maine 's high cancer rates are " lower levels of education , high rates of poverty , unemployment , and lack of health insurance . " There 's a lag between exposure and diagnosis , experts declared . People could be exposed from other sources , scientists explained . There are uncertainties , decried the Environmental Protection Agency . Continued follow - up is needed , said the mill . While organizations debated who to blame , people in Rumford and Mexico quit jobs or school to care for sick family members ; lose health insurance because they lose their jobs ; and put canisters on pizza shop countertops to pay for medical bills . It was often difficult to tell where the mill ended and where Rumford and Mexico began . The mill 's employees , in the 1920s , published The League , a compendium of work and community related activities . In it , you 'd learn " Charlie Gordon was seriously ill Thursday A . M " or in the " Rewinder Gossip " column , you 'd find out " Joe Provencher is in his second boyhood for he is wearing short pants again . " The newsletter also reported first - aid room statistics , townwide events , movie times , attendance at mill fire drills , or changes in the sulphate mill , the bleach plant , and the finishing room . It changed to the Oxford Log in 1952 where someone wrote a story on Labor Day beauty parade " Cutter " girls " dressed in daring ankle - length dresses " and whose " blue bonnets and sashes were made of fine Oxford paper . " In that same newsletter , you could also read about Johnny Norris , who worked on the supercalendar machine , who , while on vacation in New York City , found it " hot and confusing . " Or Hollis Swett of the " Island Division " who got caught in a lightening storm while fishing at Weld Pond . The Oxford Log published profiles of high school basketball stars who were sons of millworkers . Or of Nick DiConzo , a paper tester , who prepared the ski jump for the Black Mountain 's Winter Carnival . You 'd see vintage photos of the workers adding bleach to vats of pulp , or working in the Kraft mill - gloveless , barefoot , smiling as if there was no end to the prosperity . And it looked to be true ; by 1930 , our mill was the largest paper mill under one roof and Hugh J . Chisholm , eventually combined 20 paper companies to establish International Paper , then and today , the biggest paper company in the world . They still haven 't sold their old house . It 's been on the market for a few years . If the bank takes our old house , who cares ? my mother says . She flips through a newsletter from 1970 . It 's thick , printed in color , and features my mother because she helped plan that year 's Winter Carnival Ball at Black Mountain on account of her " first - hand knowledge " of the queen 's duties ; she won the title and a tiara in 1962 when she worked in the mill 's personnel department . She was a young mother at the time , wearing a pixie cut and polyester miniskirts that showed off her good legs . In her victory photo , my sisters Kelly and Amy sit in front of her wearing matching blue velvet dresses with white Peter Pan collars , stiff as Communion wafers . In 1942 when my mother was born , legendary 20 - foot walls of urine - colored foam emerged from canals 40 miles downstream in the Androscoggin . By then , almost 50 years of flotsam and effluent had choked the fish . Aeration of the river dimmed . Water temperature rose . Manufacturing and its concomitant pollution reached a stinky zenith . The smell emanating from the river was so appalling people fled town or shuttered themselves in . Coins in men 's pockets tarnished . Stores closed . House and car paint peeled like burnt skin . Residents vomited . Laundry hung on clotheslines , blackened with ash . I was 16 , my mother says , when the National Geographic Society entered into a 15 - year contract with our mill . The windfall , while providing steady work , also brought with it a windfall of pollution that exacerbated the toxic load the Androscoggin River - master was already trying to manage . National Geographic demanded white , coated , glossy paper and our mill made it . Making it , however , required using even more chemicals . The town 's economy flourished . As the mill modernized and expanded , each year that newsletter , like the town 's future , got whiter and brighter . And each year the Androscoggin River and the skies above , seemed dimmer and dimmer . My parents were caught between a stinky past and a hopeful future . My father , in between the overtime hours or double shifts , along with other millworkers , built Black Mountain on land leased to them by the paper company . The men felled trees , carved up the rocky slopes , and jammed iron ski lift poles in unsympathetic soil so they could have a place to ski . Every winter of my childhood , on weekends , my father piloted our station wagon along the frost - heaved roads winding through the outskirts of town , past the smokestacks , past the Swift River where he learned to swim , past the cemetery where his father was buried , where I lugged my steely equipment uphill through the icy parking lot , collapsed on the snow , and thwacked down the metal buckles on my leather boots pinching my fingers . I was small , the runt in a pack of kids who were already small , and tried to keep up with them and my father , who was probably one of the best skiers on the hill . As I followed them , my leather boots and leather gloves became soaked with sweat and subsequently frozen , in an endless circle of discomfort . We skied until the T - bar stopped clinking and growling , lolling to rest like an iron dinosaur and the last light of dusk would slam shut over the smudged hills . We 'd return the following week just as the T - bar purred awake . A video : I am four . My father crouches over me on skis and I stand in front of him on skis too , between his legs , facing forward , gaining speed as we race down the mountain . He warns me to watch what 's in front of me , but to also look far enough downhill to see what lay ahead . I think I 'm skiing on my own volition . Unbeknownst to me at the time , I couldn 't have stood for two seconds without his arms there to carry me . I heard this word a lot as a child . You were " proud " to be from Rumford and Mexico . You took " pride " in the mill . " Pride " in the paper we made . " Pinto pride " we scrawled on pep rally posters in honor of our mascot . Mill managers instilled a " pride " in their workers . What did it mean , this pride ? I learned from an early age , to be conspicuous was to be coarse . You didn 't speak too loudly or too much , blend in . This sameness , it turns out , was partially the source of our pride - we were all in it together , no matter what " it " was . We were a community and like most communities , were proud of what we did , even if it was something we didn 't necessarily like . It was part of the same invisible social rules that also felt claustrophobic , so it was difficult to differentiate the two . It was a subtle force , like airplane cabin pressure - massive but invisible . In this togetherness our loyalties to each other and our town were fierce , even if the intimation to conform was benevolent . This absolute loyalty didn 't stop at the edge of town ; it extended to hopeless causes like the Boston Red Sox and the New England Patriots who for decades disappointed us with their fruitless company . But we stuck with them because that 's what we did despite their unwillingness to love us back . This mix of sameness and loyalty and pride and stubbornness made us tight . We created this shelter for ourselves but it also meant outsiders remained outside . People " from away " weren 't allowed into the sanctity of our tribe . And we certainly didn 't want to be part of theirs . Solidarity was a matter of safety and comfort , but it was also a matter of hardheadedness that didn 't always serve us well . The mill , the main source of this pride and connectedness , provided us with what seemed like limitless opportunity , the tentacles of its fortune reaching into the county , the region , the state of Maine , America . Our reliance on the mill was like our Catholicism . We were given something to believe in while ignoring our own suffering , all the while waiting for the big afterlife party in the sky . We depended on the mill , as did loggers , whose lopping of the trees was seemingly anathema to the very thing relied upon to earn an income . Brenda Nickerson walks into the kitchen where my parents and I are still looking through old mill newsletters . My mother and Brenda have been friends since childhood and I went to school with her daughters who were named after Louisa May Alcott 's Little Women . My mother says to me , to Brenda , It was like ' Happy Days . ' You know the show ? That 's what we lived . We lived like ' Happy Days . ' Brenda agrees . I ask my mother if this was true for when I was a kid . Yes , pretty much . . . but I don 't know what happened after that . It 's when our kids had kids that everything changed . When my father retired from the mill after 43 years , he received a toolbox ( that he used ) , a Bulova watch ( that he never wore ) , and asbestosis of the lungs . The toolbox decamped to our dusty barn and I found the watch years later , in perfect shape , in the garage on a shelf by the cat litter . Since retiring , asbestos manufacturers , whose products he came into contact with as a pipe fitter , compensated him for his scarred lung tissue ; sometimes he received three dollars , sometimes a few hundred . Eventually , the monies petered out as did his lungs . He was tough , sometimes to a fault , and I never heard him complain even on the night he died . He told me a story once about how when he was a kid he walked around all day with a sharp pebble in his shoe , so that when he took it out , the relief was even greater than if it were never there at all . In the summer of 2013 , he collapsed on the ninth hole of the golf course , face up , in the middle of his daily game . After months of tests , he was diagnosed with esophageal cancer and then a few months later , lung cancer , which can develop from asbestosis ; with that trifecta , the man simply couldn 't breathe . My father asked us not to speak to him about his prognosis and our family complied in mute alliance . Weeks of chemotherapy and radiation , a blood clot in his lung , a catheter , a feeding tube , an oxygen tank , the gloom of hospice , my father shrank to half his size . No taste , he said as he tussled with a piece of pasta as if it were barbed wire . He lost more weight and lost interest , too . My mother tried to get him to do his physical therapy , eat a popsicle . He just stared out the living room window while we whispered behind his back . I went home almost every week that winter . When I did , I drove into Maine from New Hampshire across the Piscataqua River Bridge . One of the first things I 'd see was the state - funded welcome sign : " Maine . The Way Life Should Be . " Was there ever such a Maine as this ? I wondered as I sped up the Maine Turnpike . The promise of that phrase just never added up . The silvery creeks , iron gray lakes , red lobsters , rocky beaches , the deluge of trees - they summoned a representation disconnected from my Maine experience . It seemed we had lived on the edge of poverty , anxiety , and illness rather than on the edge of a primeval forest . Practically everyone in our town called the area " Cancer Valley " in a jokey way , yet nobody ever took the nickname seriously , even to this day . It smells like farts ! kids from other high schools would say about our town because of the foul odor discharged by the mill . And so it did . Maine 's story somehow became so appended over the years , that the story became the story itself . It was like that game you played as a kid where you sat in a circle and one person would whisper a phrase in their neighbor 's ear , and that child would whisper it to the next one , and so on . At the end of the circle , the last child would repeat the phrase aloud . Inevitably the murmured telling and retelling distorted the words so the original phrase was no longer recognizable . I was riding the Metro - North train from New York City to Connecticut one night that same winter , exhausted from my visits home . When I told my seatmate I was from Maine , he said , I love all that fresh air and woods ! Maine is God 's country ! I wanted to tell him that behind the photos of birch - lined streams and the lobster logo - ed gifts on the Maine Tourism Bureau website , there is a state perishing under the weight of its own advertisement and where " God " is noticeably absent . Instead I said , It 's a terrific place to grow up , which was largely true . But the real contradictions were these : we clear - cut our forests while tourists exalted them ; pollution bankrupted the fresh air we advertised ; we poured dioxins into our environment , which ended up in lobsters that tourists ate ; Henry David Thoreau lauded the " Pine Tree State " but his voice was drowned out by the growl of chainsaws ; and what gave our town life could also be what 's killing it . As the folksy Maine saying goes , you can 't get they - ahh from heeyahh . In other words , the way life should be , the idealized state of Thoreau and tourists , may have never actually existed except in the landscape of our minds . Slowly , my father began to eat . All he wanted was pistachios , so I bought bags of them . Those are too expensive for me , he 'd say , as he gobbled them up . We talked about baseball and books so I bought him The Art of Fielding , which I read from at his funeral . We watched movies . He made puzzles . By spring , he was able to roll his wheelchair outside to sit in his driveway in the yawning sun . Always a great athlete , he loathed just sitting around . You 're throwing like a goddamn GIRL ! he 'd yell at my throws from third to first if they weren 't fast enough , even if I was only ten . He played third base too , the " hot corner " he called it . He was an institution in that position , never relinquishing it to younger guys as he aged . I watched him summer after summer fielding stinging line drives down third base line as he crept in to take away the bunt . He was quick , efficient . I never saw him make an error . Now , he struggled to lift a knee . Late summer , 2014 . I kiss my father hello and after a few minutes , he turns to the TV . My mother shouts something from the kitchen over the clamorous rattle of Pawn Stars . I slump in the overstuffed chair . Over the next couple of days , I learn the new routine of their lives : my mother empties his catheter bag , changes his cannula , washes dishes , makes coffee , turns the heat up , turns the heat down , helps him to bed , tucks him in . One day the " oxygen man , " a nurse , Andy ( their handyman ) , on the next a parade of strangers and friends amass then disperse , like a dandelion gone to seed in a quick wind . In the morning , my mother walks my father to the kitchen , her arms wrapped around his waist . I hear them in the hallway . I slept liked shit , he says . I just couldn 't sleep . I don 't know . What 's the matter ! ? my mother says . My mother procures a voice - activated phone , a walker , the best hearing aids , a hospital bed , bathtub rails , hospice aides , ice cream , Netflix . The days drift . Dinner comes early . The late afternoon winter light hesitates , then crashes , darkening the curtained room . We fold ourselves into the furniture and flip channels . My mother tracks his oxygen levels , like volunteers do on the Androscoggin River , judging impairment by percentages , keeping the lower numbers at bay by turning up the O2 . The river 's oxygen percentages lie somewhere between impaired and threatened , as do my father 's . In 1966 the Androscroggin Rivermaster tried to recreate the river 's natural aeration by installing " bubblers " in the Androscoggin , which injected air into the water to increase oxygen levels . My father 's body , like the Androscoggin , seems to be recycling the toxins discharged by the mill . But he , unlike the river , would never breathe again without a machine to help him . When I get better . . . he says as he hunches over , his oxygen tank hissing away in the other room , its plastic line leashing him to his chair . . . I 'll visit your new house . As he keeps trying to live he keeps dying . He is dying at the same exponential rate as the town . . . an unbuilding of a body that had previously built a mountain . His chest working overtime like he often did in the mill . " Vacationland , " our state motto , appears on key chains , tee shirts , coffee mugs , and our license plates but the holidaysof my youth were never a seaside fete . As a teenager , my sister and I would sometimes drive to Old Orchard Beach , two hours south , where we 'd buy fries on the pier and watch French Canadian men in skimpy bathing trunks cavort in the water . Rather than swim , I 'd smother myself with iodine and baby oil and lie on the hot sand , getting the tan that proved I had been somewhere . We also made yearly visits to my father 's mother " Nana " and my step - grandfather " Pop " in Kennebunk , Maine . Despite its sacrosanct location , they lived closer to the town dump than to the beach . For hours , we 'd sift through other people 's trash with Pop , or play on the broad front lawn with their dog Bijoux , a crabby spoiled Chihuahua . When Pop entered a room , his egg - shaped bald head flirted with the ceiling . His voice was booming and fearsome , yet he was affectionate in his toothless smile , the way an octopus was , embracing his grandchildren with a manic repulsive grip . My grandmother kept her emotions as tightly bound as her arms , which were always crossed over her chest , and she only allowed small giggles through her thin hand , which rose to cover her mouth when she laughed . The rooms in their house smelled of cigarette smoke and age , a sour , untidy odor I evaded by sleeping in their camping trailer parked in the driveway . Pop , we learned after he died , molested a few of my female cousins . As for the beach , we would sometimes go , but I would rather have been pawing though the trash or the animal - shaped candles in the tourist shops than face a marauding jellyfish sloshing in the lazy waves or meeting up with Pop in an unkempt , upstairs hallway . E . B . White wrote dispatches for the New Yorker from his saltwater farm in Brooklin , Maine . When he drove there from New York , he too crossed the Piscataqua River . In his essay " Home - Coming " he wrote that every time he drove over the river , he " had the sensation of having received a gift from a true love . " While he and I may disagree on how we feel traversing the state line or our reasons for doing so , we agree on the reason we are pulled there . " Familiarity is the thing - the sense of belonging , " he wrote . " It grants exemption from all evil , all shabbiness . " I 'm tethered to Maine by this sense of belonging but also by a sometimes paralyzing ambiguity I wrestle to understand - an inexplicable love for Maine and what it represents , even if some of those things are false . I don 't think it was ever really a paradise , except maybe for the Abenaki Native Americans who fished the Androscoggin until their lives and the salmon they ate were choked out by disease and settlers . When we leave home , we leave behind our past and encounter a version of home when we return , built of legends true and false . For me , those legends are so big - Hugh J . Chisholm , Edmund Muskie , Cancer Valley , Henry David Thoreau , Paul Bunyan , Black Mountain , my parents , and trees , endless trees - that it is hard to see beyond their shadows . So when I drive back over the Piscataqua River Bridge with Mexico in my rearview mirror , I may not see " true love , " but I know leaving home can be as complicated as living there and as inescapable as your own DNA . The night I watched my father die he kept trying to speak , but only a thin awful wail emerged as he thrashed his body against the steel bedrails and wrestled with his sheets . It was the only time I ever saw him make a fuss about anything . What he was trying to say , I 'll never know , but I do know I no longer have to keep secrets from him or for him . What you don 't know won 't hurt you , my mother always said offhandedly . She was dead wrong . You look like your father ! People always said to me and still do . Our eyes , in particular , are / were the same blue - gray and one of mine sags a little , as if I am falling asleep , the same as his . In that sameness , I saw what he saw , or at least I imagined I did , or tried to , especially on our walks around town where his telling and retelling of the same stories became more distilled each time he told them . He 'd narrate as we went : This is an historic spot , he said one time , pointing to the road , as we passed a vacant lot that used to be his high school . This is where Roger Gallant dropped a jar of mercury . I imagined the balls of silver pinging along the road in tantric lines . We walked across the frozen soil and scuffed our boots across the thin snow to uncover a plaque of people who donated money for the plaque . He pointed to a Gallant , class of 1951 . That 's him , my father said . That 's the guy that dropped the mercury . Paul Bunyan looms over the Tourist Information Booth in front of the Androscoggin where Bunyan - sized logs once floated downstream toward the mill . In blue pants , a matching blue watch cap , and a short sleeve red polo shirt exposing his brawny arms , he proffers an equally enormous axe that could clear - cut the Amazon . That statue has been around as long as I remember , although it used to tower above Puiia 's Hardware across the street , a catchall shop where I bought charcoals and sketch pads for juvenile renderings of horses . He was donated to the town when Puiia 's closed . As a kid , I didn 't pay much attention to Bunyan despite his size , and he blended into the background , as improbable as that seems . I read that Rumford 's Paul Bunyan got a facelift between 2000 - 2002 , a body overhaul including a paint job , a new axe , and steel supports secured to a huge block of concrete , which to replace , they had to remove Bunyan 's head . After they fastened the supports and before reinstating Bunyan 's head , the workmen wriggled out of Bunyan 's neck . After Paul 's resurrection , Rumford held a festival in his honor featuring a lumberjack breakfast , zip line rides over the waterfalls , a facial hair contest , a flannel shirt dinner dance , and an axe - throwing competition . Bunyan 's origin remains a mystery . Small towns , from Maine to Minnesota , claim him as their own , yet they agree the boy giant was the hero of all woodsmen . Legend maintains when Bunyan 's cradle rocked , the motion caused huge waves that sunk ships . He also allegedly whittled a pipe from a hickory tree and could outrun buckshot . Our Bunyan , I found out , was crafted from the mold of the Muffler Man , a giant fiberglass statue who proffered mufflers as advertisement on US byways in the 1970s . Whatever the myth , there our Bunyan stands as a guardian or curiosity for those ambling through the waning mill town of my youth , his shadow sometimes as brooding as the hurtling river beyond . Senator Edmund Sixtus Muskie 's smaller , more serious memorial of squat dark gray granite lies just down the riverbank from Bunyan . Muskie was a giant in real life at 6 ' 4 " and the man who penned the Clean Air and Clean Water Acts , though no match for the long shadow cast by Bunyan . Both memorialized in Rumford , their acts equally significant ; one deforested the woodlands , the other tried to reclaim them , the rocky pools on the edge of the Androscoggin spanning the gap between the two of them . My father used to make fun of the Bunyan statue and the ludicrous blue hoofprints painted on the sidewalks in downtown Rumford , made by Babe , Bunyan 's blue ox . The town selectmen voted , in 2009 , to use $ 6 , 500 from their economic development fund to create Babe , figuring that he and his hoofprints would encourage tourists to follow his path . What they forgot to consider was that there 's not much left in town to see but Paul Bunyan himself and those garish blue steps that end abruptly at Rite Aid . Kerri Arsenault is a writer , editor , and serves on the National Book Critics Circle Board . Her work has appeared in the San Francisco Chronicle , American Book Review , NBCC 's Critical Mass , and Bookslut . Previous Article Well , I wish I had written this ! ! It was beautiful while being melancholy . I have said for years that Mexico was being wiped from the face of the Earth . I now know how towns , and even cities , disappeared on the plains , in the mountains , along waterways , etc … over the last two centuries of America . Where homes once stood in Mexico , there are now vacant lots with new growth forest on some . My heart breaks a little every time I go home . But this makes me even more excited about attending my 38th ( that 's right : 38th ! we are piggybacking off the class of ' 77 ) ) class reunion this summer . Because there are no longer nearby hotels / motels to accommodate those of us who don 't live within driving distance to town , the reunion will be held in Lewiston . Your piece made me feel part of an " ex - pat " community of people who left and only return to town every once in a while . I had felt so alone until I read this . So , thank you ! I 'm still trying to place you but , with the number of Arsenaults in the area , I 'm not sure which family is yours ! At least one of your relatives must have gone to school with me ( I 'm older than you are by a bit ) . In fact , we might even be related from Prince Edward Island and Tignish . That 's another aspect of growing up in Mexico : just about everyone is a distant cousin whose great - great grandfather came to the area to work the mill back in its heyday . Again , thank you for this beautifully written piece . I 'm proud to call you a fellow Pinto . Greg and Reggie ? I remember Greg and Woody . They lived near the Mexico footbridge and Maddy 's Italian sandwich place ( the best Italians in history ) . I graduated with Mark Arsenault , brother of Darlene and one of many others . If you get to Tignish , check out the cemetery . It 's like the list of graduates from MHS : Arsenaults , Gallants , Perrys , Thibeaus , Buottes , etc … I was / am a Perry . Your piece brought back many memories and I posted it to the Class of 1979 's new Facebook page . I also posted it to my own page and am getting more comments there . I look forward to reading your book . I would love to follow your progress to include any speaking engagements you may do based on this book . I currently live in Seattle but travel a lot so I might be able to catch you in another city . Some of the comments I am getting are about Trump defunding the EPA . They are not from people who have lived / grown up in the River Valley and it irks me that they are missing the point : The EPA has done little to effect the cancer rates and issues in Maine . Although a defunding might make things worse , it 's hard to believe it could be any worse as the town continues to die . Great piece . I was married to a Theriault and visited Rumford many times , even though I 'm a native Californian , born and raised in the northern part of the state . But even though I did not grow up there , I related to so much of this piece as it reflected precisely what my late husband 's feelings were . He and his parents and grandparents all died of some sort of cancer , although bone cancer seemed the most prevalent . For all the negatives there , the sense of community still exists , as I went back to Rumford last year for a visit . It still holds a special spot in my heart . disconnected from my Maine experience . " This exactly ! I lived in Rumford from 1967 - 1983 and when people down here ( I live in Maryland now ) find out I grew up in Maine , " Oh , it 's so beautiful up there . " Hmm . . not exactly where I came from . I worked as a nurse 's aide in the hospital when I was a teenager and there was so much cancer even then . Great piece , I enjoyed it and it brought back a lot of memories . Without doubt your Father was a brave and bold pioneer and I am grateful to have been on the same side . Those of us who feel strongly compelled to speak up when we see a problem are demonized . We were never against " our mutual way of life " , we wanted acknowledgement initially and then meaningful progress to address our public health problems in the River Valley . But Politicians and their games always happens and it impedes net gains for everyone . The people are far more than just a disposable , renewable resource . Mutual , beneficial progress is achievable . Patty Geiger The article did mention your father and it was very complimentary . If only he had lived longer or someone had picked up his cause after his death . But there are so many issues to saving the town ( s ) . Along with cancer , the lack of jobs is sucking the life out of the area . I know there are several people in the area who are working hard to bring life back to the way it was and I wish them well and wish I could assist ( you being one of the vocal advocates for the region ) . As for Doctor Martin , I can 't believe anyone who lived in Rumford - Mexico during the ' 70s until the good doctor 's death didn 't know what a good and decent man he was . Hi Joe , your father is throughout the book that I 'm working on . This was just a slice . I had to focus the story on one thing , so I focused it on my father instead . I have lived in this paper mill town for over 69 years and worked in the paper mill for 32 years . Many people I know and worked with here have not become ill with cancer . Some have . I do not and never have had cancer . So … Several Federal people have told me the Greater Rumford area is a statistically significant cancer cluster , based upon verifiable hospital admissions etc . It was a matter - of - fact statement and not spoken in a rhetorical manner or to be controversial . However , it was impossible that this statement could EVER be made officially public and published in the mass media . I felt at the time , they thought " I had earned an honest , objective response " to the concern and time I had invested with this tragic issue . I was extremely naive to the political reality , from a personal attack from a former Rumford Town official to the " Shoot the Messenger Syndrome " ! It was not nice ! ! The mill , using scare tactics of closure , as if their own workers are nothing more than mere pawns , abated their taxes claiming their value has declined . They held 500 employee jobs hostage , putting people in a panic of unknown , negotiating the biggest deal this town has probably ever seen and equaling millions in savinings for lower taxes . Money that we all , including workers at the mill , will make up for somehow . Town officials fell for it , like a game of dominos played on a front porch , listening to the familiar sounds of summer . The town should have gone plugged nose to plugged nose with them holding their ground . They would 've backed down , continuing paying taxes as usual . Without Rumford there is no paper , glossy I believe it is … . so I 'm told . Most other mills have packed up and left leaving towns to recover , which many have already begun . Training / schooling 500 or so workers is far less of a state burden than our " Rumford / Mexico Cancer " , a health issue in deserving its own name . Mill workers , state trained for free , in plumbing , as electricians , general construction , for office jobs and health careers …… . would be employed / self employed , in work offering healthier and longer lives . If the people come , the work will too . Someday , I hope the fish I catch across the street will no longer bare a limit warning in the Maine fishing magazine I get every year with my fishing license . Clean up or clear out . Latest stats show Rumford as worst in pollution . This makes me sad , I love my 200 year old home and living in a country town . Kerri Arsenault My family and I recently moved to Maine from Florida ( 5 months ago ) . I was googling pollution in the fish , then water , and then air when I came across cancer clusters and found your article . After everything that I have read I am ready to pack my family up and move back to Florida . Why stay in such a polluted state - literally everything is polluted here with little action being done ? Why are these topics not more widely discussed or mentioned in the news ? It 's scary . I have a small child and don 't want to knowingly expose him to toxins when we can simply move again . The state motto is all wrong because this is NOT the way life should be . Spiros N Lacey
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I like to look back on the previous year and make a short list of all the big things that happened . 2009 was a huge year . . . full of changes with friends , church and our family . . . aka SJ 's appearance . As I look back on 2010 my list is very very short . I feel like the main thing we did in 2010 was survive . I don 't mean that in a depressing way but in a realistic way . This time last year I was pretty much at my whit 's end . Stella was overcoming the worst of her colic and I was grabbing desperately on to Christ to pull me out of sadness and anxiety that I couldn 't handle on my own . And He did ! The rest of the year was full of diaper changes and nursing and trying to get back into a new routine . . . and then another new routine with every change in our little girl 's life . I have learned so much this year by the grace of God . I am no longer a leaf shaken by every small breeze . I know how to receive help and how to offer help . For a while I felt like I just took and took and took as people provided meals and support and love to us as we transitioned into parenthood and I am so thankful the Lord then gave me eyes to turn it around once that season was over . I feel so much joy in being able to babysit or take a meal or sweep a floor . . . now having a much greater appreciation for what those things mean to another mommy . I am thankful for continual healing in my sinus issues . They aren 't gone but man are they better . I grew in my understanding of friendship and natural food / cooking . I am so thankful for my friend Mandy , who led and walked along side me in both of those journeys . As I look ahead at 2011 , not too far ahead actually , I wonder what it will bring . Will it bring other children with a different color or genetic code into our home ? Will it bring a new job ( please oh please ) ? Will it be full of mental and spiritual learning like this year or full of major events like the year before ? Whatever it brings , I just pray for the strength to walk through it all with grace and that this time next year I will be closer to my Lord aPosted by This picture is pretty much the perfect way to describe what is going on here . First and foremost there is SJ and me . As usual , we are spending all day , every day together and wishing there was a little more daddy in the picture . Stella is such a fun joy these days . She is walking and running all over the place . Some days she doesn 't fall at all and some days she seems to have her head on crooked b / c she plops down all the time for no reason . Either way , she is happy and often a lot less messy due to her new walkin ' skills ! Stella has been doing really well taking two naps or at least two rest times and still sleeping 12 - 13 hours a night ! ! We only had a minor blip ( four wake ups in one night . . . ahhhh ) when we moved in to the new house this week but she seems to be catching on that this is her new home now . She still says " this " alllll the live long day but I try and identify as much as possible ( even if she can 't have it ) so hopefully she 'll learn some new words soon . I can 't believe what a big girl she has become . She is really smart and understands more and more each day . I love being able to discover what is wrong with her when she is fussy and try and deal with the situation as best as possible . . . it has cut down on our tantrums tremendously ! My favorite this about SJ right now is that she has started to request to sit in my lap to " read " a book . It might only last a second or maybe several minutes but I relish it each and every time . I am really looking forward to her being around our extended family for Christmas b / c she is so much more interactive and outgoing than she has ever been around them and I 'm hoping she 'll start recognizing people as family since they have been around more and more . This picture is also perfect because it shows the Christmas tree in the background . We are in full swing of Advent and love listening to Christmas music and looking at the tree and talking about our Salvation coming to earth ! Even before we moved in , I set up our tree in the " new " house right in front of the front windPosted by * * I wrote this post about a month or so ago and never got the time to post it . . . but now that we are at the new house , I have internet . . . hurray ! Well , you have been missing out . . . oh wait , that 's my fault ? Sorry about that . We don 't have internet at the house any more and so when I do get to check the internet and things , it 's usually brief and I only have time to check emails , do school work and get back to the mommy business ! Stella is one . This is crazy . We had an awesome fall festival for her birthday and we had a great turnout and a great time . I have some pictures but they are somewhere . . . dunno . Stella wasn 't the typical birthday girl who is shy about diving into her very own cupcake . Nope . She picked up that pink little sucker and stuck it straight in her mouth . A few bites later and it was gone and she was signing " more " . Don 't think so . She didn 't seem surprised by the sweetness or overjoyed at the pinkness . . . just simply glad we were feeding her grown up food and she wanted more . . . she got more but not of anything sugary ! She definitely didn 't nap that afternoon after all that excitement and sugar . It was great having my entire family and some of Drew 's in town for a long weekend . We were spoiled with a lot of Starbucks ! Stella is pulling up and standing on her own and has taken a step or two but mostly only walks with assistance . She isn 't very excited about walking b / c she is so much faster at crawling . She is able to point and say " dis " ( this ) about things she wants you to either say or give her . Sometimes this leads to tantrums when we say " no " but I am still excited about a new level of communication with her . She can say mama but prefers to say dada . She loves to say hi and bye " ba " . She knows how to sign more and all done and is learning " baby " and can wave hi , bye and night night . She also blows kisses , gives kisses and hugs on command ! She is learning eyes , nose and mouth but still gets them confused . She is enjoying reading books more and more and every now and then will stay still long enouPosted by I have so many things that I have been planning to blog about but the fact that I haven 't had any videos or pictures to upload with them has kept me from doing so and now I am overwhelmed with the catch up that needs to happen ! First of all , I think I have this disease when it comes to videoing my child . I start videoing to catch a certain scene and then if she is cooperating I think , why not try and get a video with all her tricks in one . So I proceed to ask her to do this or that and she doesn 't and I keep trying and the video gets longer and more boring and longer and longer and I don 't know how to edit them to be concise . So , with that disclaimer out there for all to read . . . I will post the following videos . Each one has a segment of action and the rest is boring pleas for action . haha . Enjoy ! The other night I was whistling while feeding Stella and this is what she started doing . . . whistling from Lindsey Lewis on Vimeo . Take II on the tricks tricks from Lindsey Lewis on Vimeo . Starting to walk . . . sort ofWalker from Lindsey Lewis on Vimeo . As you can see , our little SJ is growing up quickly ! ! People comment all the time about how much she has grown just in the weeks that they haven 't seen her . It 's true . I notice on a regular basis that her hair is thicker , her face looks older and she is looking more and more like a toddler . At 11 months , Stella weighed 23lbs and I can 't believe we have only two weeks until she is a year old . Up to this month I have been eagerly peeking ahead at that one year mark . At one year the allergies are not such an issue with foods . The nursing will taper and stop . . . but even if we are still nursing , there 's no pressure b / c I know there are other things for her to eat . At a year I feel like there are so many fears that just melt away . However , now that I am staring that year smack in the face , I 'm okay with walking slowly for the next two weeks and enjoying the baby in Stella Jane . I think she is enjoying the baby too b / c she has wanted to be held and started waking up at all hours of thPosted by This summer has been a whirlwind of travel for this family , especially SJ and myself . Drew and I were hoping to get away on a post - weaning trip just the two of us but the more we thought about it , the more we realized that the timing wasn 't going to really work out and we might as well wait to go until after his vacation days renew in the winter . So , what to do with those set aside days ? FAMILY VACATION ! I don 't know what we were thinking but in a crazy instant we booked tickets to Lake Tahoe , NV . It was a whim and a lark and it turned into our first ever family vacation ( at least first with just us three ) . Drew 's bff and his lovely wife and son ( same age as SJ ) live on the lake and so we stayed with them for a week . Vacation is a little different when you are traveling with a baby . I thought I had prepared my expectations but you can never be fully prepared for being woken up at 1am , 4am and 6am on a regular basis on your VACATION . Vacations are supposed to be restful ! It took almost the entire week to get SJ to nap well and sleep through the night but that aside . . it was a flawless trip . SJ did amazingly well on our long flights and she was a trooper through out the trip . Some of the highlights for me were ( yes most of them involve food ) : roasting marshmallows for a breakfast appetizer , finding a bunch of Jamba Juice stores , In and Out Burger for the first and second time ever , hiking around the Emerald Bay area and putting the babes in the lake , kayaking on Lake Tahoe , dinner with the camp director and his wife ( real tex mex for dinner too ) , talking about babies and laughing . Even though we didn 't sleep a lot , we did get to rest a lot . It was chilly the first few days and so we just stayed indoors and chatted and then spend the last few days hiking , walking and hittin up the beach ! I might go into more detail later but for now , just enjoy the pictures . Also . . . we are closing on the house this month ! woo hoo ! Posted by We had an inspection today on a new ( to us ) house . . . there were a few unexpected issues ( read : huge leak coming out of the dining room fan when the water was turned on ) but nothing that our handy plumber and handyman husband couldn 't / can 't handle ! The pictures are no longer posted online so I snapped a few to give you an idea . We are planning to paint to door ( color still in debate ) , paint the shutters black , paint all the walls a neutral shade ( including the upstairs wood panelling ) and do a deep clean in the bathrooms . There 's also a pic of SJ in her new big girl seat . . . she comes with the house too ! When you walk in the front door you are in the living room and can walk straight into the dining room and to the left of that is the kitchen . Off the immediate right are the stairs leading to the second floor . Off the right side of the living room / dining room area there are two bedrooms and a full bathroom . They basically only need a good clean and some fresh paintThis is the upstairs . . . two rooms with wood panelling and a full bathroom . The rooms need paint but are really cute with large closets , attic space and built in drawers , shelves and desks . This is the median / cul de sac and pictures of the back " yard " We made it to 10 months ! We are on the final dash to the one year marker . This month has been so eventful . A trip to Duxbury , MA and a trip to Texas and a vacation to Lake Tahoe ! Stella is truly one of the most traveling babies I have ever met . She does fairly well but with increased mobility comes increased agitation on plane rides , which is not much fun . Before we went to Texas , SJ had some sort of cold / allergies and after a week they cleared up and all was well . The day after we got back from Texas she started up with it again . It 's been over a week and the little babe is a cranky , snotty mess ! ! I 'm not really sure what I should do at this point ? If I go to the doctor I am pretty sure I will be wasting $ 20 for him to tell me to wait it out or he will give me some drug that I am not too keen on giving to my little one . I 'm just hoping it will clear up soon . Because of the allergies and a very busy schedule naps have been more often a miss than a hit . I don 't think that helps her cranky disposition one bit either ! Stella is SUPER mobile these days . She can reach the kitchen counter on her tip toes and the piano and highchair and just about anything else she really sets her mind on . She isn 't afraid of falling or rolling ( and has the bumps and bruises to prove it ) . . . as long as mommy is near . Remove the mommy and remove all sanity . Same song , 10th verse . Stella is getting lots of hair and in general assuming a much more big girl look . It 's crazy to see her growing from day to day . She is so interested in having a conversation ( with lots of hand motions ) and looking into every little detail of every little thing . She is into everything ! Because she is still crawling and pulling up on anything she can , I don 't have any pictures of her . . . I am constantly in motion with her and have no time to grab a camera and by the time I do , she is on to something else . We are inspecting a new house today and so hopefully I 'll bring you pictures of the babe and house soon ! Happy 10 Months SJ ! There is nothing much to note about SJ but I just felt like giving you a little update on our normal day to day . . . This week has been a little bumpier than usual because SJ has had some sort of cold or allergies . I don 't know which I would prefer . If it 's a cold , it 's sad because she is contagious and thus we have to stay pretty quarantined ( which we mostly have ) . However , if it 's allergies , it could last months and months or off and on for her entire life . I don 't want her to have to go through what I have gone through . . . . isn 't that the main point of nursing for a year and delaying this food and that etc etc . . . ? Either way , it was just another test of my motherhood skills ( which are still being refined to say the least ) . I always feel like this will last forever and then am ashamed of myself when it is over in a mere week or two . SJ stopped taking naps and started waking up earlier and earlier in the mornings and was the fussiest I have seen her in six months or more . . . I was becoming frazzled . Then today , she slept like normal and has taken two great naps ! Oh mommy , when will you learn to chill out ! In a week or so we are traveling back to Texas to hang out with Drew 's Gran and the rest of our families . We are hoping to go swimming a lot while we are there . SJ had her first dip in the ocean when we went to Duxbury recently and she liked it . It was so cold and thus we thought she would dislike it but she seemed really pleased the whole time . Can 't wait to see her in the pool again . Last week SJ started pulling up on everything and has become really sturdy on her feet . Today , for the first time , she even let go of what she was holding and stood on her own for a few seconds . I can 't believe that the summer is basically over . Seminary classes start online in a little over a week . I am still very excited but also a little sobered by the amount of work in the syllabus . It 's never as bad as it seems right at first . I think I will miss seeing my favorite professor in person and hearing his asides but I 'm thankful for tPosted by So SJ is blowin ' straight through all these milestones . . . next up is ONE YEAR ! I can 't believe it . I think I 've said that every time . We haven 't taken SJ to the doctor yet for her check up ( b / c we know she is fine and don 't need to pay to have them tell us ) but here are her stats . . . LongerTallerStella is measuring way above the average one year old in height and weight and last time I checked she was around 30 inches and 20lbs ( about a month ago ) . We are still nursing but have started to introduce more and more solids . Right now she gets at least one meal of solids a day and we are moving up to two . She LOVES avocado and cheese and takes just about everything else we have given her . The only thing she has ever rejected was a slice of yellow bell pepper . She wouldn 't even tolerate it to be on her tray . This is so hilarious b / c neither Drew nor I appreciate bell peppers and it has only been in the recent months that I have been able to tolerate the red and yellow / orange variety . The green don 't have a chance in this family . So it 's funny that without any prompting she rejected this veg . Oh well . We 'll try again some time soon . At 9 months Stella had her two bottom middle teeth fully installed and just recently started cutting all four middle top teeth . Needless to say , she has not found that a pleasant experience . During her ninth month Stella had a trip to Texas for a wedding , a trip to Kansas for a wedding and a Lewis family trip to Duxbury , MA . She is quite the traveling baby . She has done well on all her flights and has flirted with all the other passengers . Stella has learned how to wave , fake shyness and give a low five or high five . She loves to talk non stop and eat anything in reach . She still comes at life with the tongue first . Just this week ( 9 . 2 ) Stella learned how to pull all the way up to standing and has had quite a few tumbles in the process . Pretty soon she will be cruisin ' around the house and then we 'll really be in trouble . She is such a fun and happy baby to mother ( yes , even in the midst of tPosted by This should brighten even the worst Monday ! SJ 7mo Laugh from Lindsey Lewis on Vimeo . This video is proof that Stella is quite the camera ham . She will rarely continue to do any trick once she sees that camera . She will just stare at it and smile . Little Puppy from Lindsey Lewis on Vimeo . This video is a little dated but it is still one of her favorite spots to be . Instead of licking it , now she likes to pull up on it and grab at anything on top of it . I haven 't really be blogging lately because there doesn 't seem to be much to blog about . After our trip to Texas and Kansas it took me a while to get back into the swing of things . First I rested a lot to catch up from all the busy activities we had been doing and then I had to restock the fridge and pantry and learn how to cook meals again . Then I had to clean the house and run errands and catch up with friends etc etc . . . I am just now feeling back to normal . And so is Stella . . . apparently . . . because she has gone back to shorter naps and less clingy days . Lately Stella has mastered her crawling skills and can crawl across the whole house in a matter of minutes ( usually to find me ) . She also likes to pull up on things onto her knees and has pulled up all the way to standing a couple of times on my leg . We think she is teething again or having a growth spurt b / c a couple of times in a row she woke up periodically in the night crying for no apparent reason and she has been a little cranky even in the day too . We have started to give her solids on a more regular basis . For about the last two weeks we have given her a full feeding of solids before her last nursing because she was acting like she was still hungry at night . Avocado seems to be her favorite but she has enjoyed every fruit we have given her as well . This past week I gave her some raw milk , organic cheese and she LOVED IT . It is the only thing I have ever put in her mouth that at least some of it did not come out . I kept checking her clothes , diaper and high chair for dropped pieces but there were none ! This Posted by It has been a CRAZY week ! Tuesday I flew to Dallas with the little one and got to visit with the in - laws and Drew 's Gran ( Stella ) . SJ did really well on the flight with only a brief melt down at the end from being forbidden to eat the lady next to us ' watch , magazine , coke bottle and hair . Poor kid . Then she took a great nap and we headed back to FW . She basically went straight back to bed . We had so much fun the following days hanging out with my parents and sisters and other various friends and family along the way . My parents took so many pictures and video of her it was hilarious . I don 't think there were many consecutive minutes where one of them didn 't have an iphone or camera in her face . haha . She was a big mama 's girl the whole time but did better about playing and laughing with other people as long as I was in the same room as her . The wedding festivities began Thursday night and continued through Saturday night . It was so so much fun to hang out with my life long friends and also to meet some new sweet girls . I felt really blessed the entire week . SJ slept great ( minus some seriously early mornings ) and ate great and really did great in general . Sunday we left early for Kansas and Drew 's brother 's wedding . It was a little difficult to orchestrate with SJ needing naps and going to bed earlier than most people but we still managed to squeeze in some fun . Our new sister in law was absolutely stunning and more than anything else we are thankful to have her cemented into the family ! Aunt KK woo hoo ! Monday we flew back to the ville and SJ finally had it with all the flying and missing naps and she just layed across our laps , stuck that cute thumb in her mouth and slept the whole flight . It was amazing . She has never slept in our arms since those early days of life and it was really too cute . Today she seemed to be playing catch up from all the travel and teething and slept most of the day away ( which was a nice treat for one tuckered out mama too ) . That 's the update . Posted by Stella will be 8 months old tomorrow at 5pm . . . but since we 'll be traveling all day , I thought it was okay to be a little early . Stella has become such a big girl this past month . She is officially mobile and while she can crawl correctly , she usually either only uses her hands or her feet . . . she likes a challenge . She still sleeps through the night and has been hit or miss with the naps these days . . . we are just trying to roll with the punches . She has two bottom teeth and seems to be working on more . I feel like this month I have grown closer to her than ever . I feel like I can really diagnose and meet her needs and we laugh together all day long . She is super vocal saying mamama , dadada , nanana and bababa . Too bad no grandmother chose nana for her name because that is her favorite right now , I guess great nana wins the honor ! She can also blow a raspberry and cluck her tongue . She likes anything dirty or metalic including floor vents , vacuums , chair legs , watches , rings , keys etc . . . Stella is a great shopping companion and likes to go out to eat also . . . she is always a big hit with other people and even gives them a smile sometimes . She has gone a few times to the church nursery successfully and has even let some close friends hold her with out crying ! She has tried pieces of pear , avocado , nectarine , honey dew melon , apple , cantaloupe , sweet potato , pureed peas , carrots , strawberries , broccoli and banana with no allergies that I can tell . She is such a joy ! Stella decided to go BIG for her first Father 's Day outside the womb and I am afraid she won 't be able to top this gift for the rest of her life . She had one happy daddy ! We also ate at Chili 's ( his choice ) and got ice cream at Graeter 's ( strawberry chocolate chip for me and blackberry white chocolate chip for him ) and yes we let SJ have a teensy taste . She liked the ice cream but seemed to go for the plastic spoon even more . Here are some pics after some avocado . . . practicing with her spoon and blowing raspberries . . . see ya soon Texans ! Posted by Everything about me , all of my likes and dislikes , all of my strengths and weaknesses , they all pale in the presence of Jesus Christ . He is the giver of Life , the conquerer of sin and pain , the Savior . He calls me Loved .
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He slammed a bottle of Corona onto the table , grabbed his third from the six pack and twisted it open . " You don 't appreciate anything I do for you , " he said . You didn 't even thank me for the roses . " " Didn 't we talk about it the last two times ? I remember talking about it . But then maybe it was just a lot of words . " She threw the magazine on the floor and picked up another . " Yes , you sure have . Let me think here . What have you done ? " She turned a page , looked vacantly at the corner of the room . " Doctor , when did I start going to see her ? Has it been five months now ? Credit cards maxed out . Can 't forget that . Oh , and that time you borrowed my car . Amazing how my windshield cracked like that . And you had no idea how it happened . Wasn 't that about the time the knuckles on your right hand swole up ? " " I had nothing to do with that shit and you know it . I can 't help it if you 're crazy and can 't handle your money . " He took a slam of Corona . " Without me you are nothing you know . " " I 'm going to leave and I won 't come back . I swear . You 'll be sorry for treating me like this . " he said . The tears stopped . He stood . The bottle of Corona shattered against the refrigerator door . She froze , coiled into herself . " You bitch ! You are going to end up alone . You don 't have any friends . All you have is me . I hope you enjoy your pathetic lonely life after I 'm gone . I know you will be calling me . I can feel it . You 'll want me back . They always do . " The door to apartment 402 shut with a click . She was alone . She dropped her magazine and stared unblinking for several minutes . She took in a deep breath , rose , walked to the door , threw the deadbolt and slipped on the chain lock . Next , she walked to the kitchen table and grabbed the vase with her hand . She walked onto the balcony , extended her hand over the railing and released her grip . As soon as he saw Mrs . Mattson , Jacob turned and took another drink of water from the fountain . She had walked into the funeral home about twenty minutes earlier and in an attempt to avoid talking to her Jacob had left the viewing room and hid in the restroom , hoping she wouldn 't stay long . And there she was not more than ten feet away . Looking out the corner of his eye , he deflated when he saw her approach . Jacob wanted to yell and swear . He was sick of the questions . " Are you ok ? How are you holding up ? " These people didn 't really care . It was all talk . Just talk . " I 'm happy to hear that . " She reached out to touch Jacob on the shoulder , paused and pulled her hand back . " Don 't worry about the work at school . You will catch up just fine . I can send some work home , if you like . Would that be ok for you ? " " It 's ok , Mrs . Mattson . I 'll be back at school tomorrow or next day . I don 't feel much like doing anything . So doubt I 'll get any of it done anyway . " The door to the funeral home flew open and in came a blast of cold air , a flurry of snow flakes and Jacob 's mother , who was ninety minutes late to the viewing . At the sight , Jacob 's pale Finnish skin actually became one shade whiter . His mind raced , " Please , please , don 't come over here . " Jacob started to walk away , " Sorry , I got to go Mrs . Mattson , " but it was too late . Jacob 's mother stomped over , loudly asked , " Jacob honey , how are you doing ? " She stood next to Jacob , put her hand on his far shoulder and pulled him with a jolt into her side . Jacob 's body stiffened . " And who is this honey ? " Jacob 's mother strongly shook Alice Mattson 's hand , " Oh , nice to meet you . I 'm Jacob 's mother of course . " Sylvia Saari 's head and shoulders went back as she looked at the young petite teacher . Outside the kitchen window , snow swirled in large looping loop de loops carried on by strong gusts of wind the activity mimicking the mind of Detective Niemi . The pen in his right hand tapped on a pad of paper where he had jotted notes about the case . Progress on the case had been slow , too slow . He tossed the pen onto the table . It bounced , flew off the edge and rolled under the kitchen counter . Pushing his chair back , he stood up and strode to the spice cabinet . He opened the door , examining the upper hinge . One screw was missing and the other loose . He shut the door carefully , walked to the basement door , opened it and clicked on the light switch . As he trudged down the narrow stairway , stale , dusty air filled his lungs . Even though there was a three and a half inch clearance , he ducked on the bottom step to avoid bumping his head . He walked across the cement floor towards the cluttered work bench . As he looked for a small Philips head screwdriver and burrowed through a mound of assorted nails and screws , he thought , " One of these days I got to organize this mess . " Finding what he wanted , he turned and froze . David 's hockey equipment hung against the wall where his son , David , had last hung it to dry out . Niemi looked at a pair of Bauers , which he had bought for David two falls ago and David only had had the chance to wear four or five times . He paused , told him myself , " It 's time . " He carefully unhooked the skates and walked upstairs . Sitting at the kitchen table , he used a soft damp cloth to gingerly clean the accumulation of two years of dust off the skates . The rust spotted blades would look like new with a good sharpening . He placed the clean skates on the table and then started fixing the cabinet door . Happy with the work on the door , Niemi returned the Philips screwdriver to the workbench . Coming up the basement stairs , he heard Mrs . Niemi come into the house . She yelled cheerfully , " I 'm home . " She walked into the kitchen and placed some bags of groceries on the kitchen table . She looked at the skates , slowly turned and asked in a dull tone , " What are you doing with David 's skates ? " It took several seconds for Niemi to respond , " I was thinking that Hanka kid could use them . He needs some new skates and it 's not like his parents can afford to buy them , so I thought we could give them to him . " He looked at his wife . " Is that ok with you ? " The slap shot came in low and hard . The goalie went down , stretched out his right pad , made the save . The rebound slid out towards David Hanka . David swung at the puck , anticipating his first goal of his young hockey career and missed . The opposing team 's center checked David off the puck , picked it up and started to skate up the ice . David chopped his stick on the ice with frustration and started skating towards the bench as hard as he could which for David , who was the slowest skater on the team , a struggle of speed . As he approached the bench Assistant Coach Niemi opened the door . David turned into a hockey stop , promptly fell and slammed hard against the boards . The echo caused Susan Miller to look to see what had happened and comment with a tone of disgust to her husband , " Is that that Hanka kid falling again ? My God ! Maybe they should sharpen his skates already . " Three rows behind , David 's mother scowled at the back of Susan Miller 's head and wanted to comment , " We had them sharpened before the game bitch , " but held her tongue . After the game , David would comment to his mom , " I think my skates were too sharp , so I had a bit of trouble today . But next week I know I 'll do better . " Jacob , who was on page forty - five of Moby Dick , lay sprawled on the floor next to Koira , whose panting added to the noise of a large floor fan . Outside , crickets complained incessantly about the August heat and humidity . Grandpa sat at the kitchen table , reading the local newspaper , drinking coffee . Finishing his coffee he banged the cup on the table and pronounced " Let 's go for a ride ! " That 's how Grandpa had always done it . No talk . No discussion . He would decide it was time for a ride and off they would go . Hearing the word ' ride ' , Koira impolitely scrambled over Jacob her right hind foot stepping solidly on his face . Jacob laughed , " Koira ! " Arriving at Keweenaw Ice Cream , Koira would clamber over Jacob to be the first out of the car and would race to the ordering window . She would sit patiently , waiting for her two scoops of vanilla . Grandpa would normally comment , " Only two scoops . Don 't want her getting fat on me . " And then laugh at his joke . Grandpa always had maple nut , but ever since the doctor had complained about his cholesterol Grandpa limited himself to one scoop , which he ate slowly to appreciate it all the more . Jacob would go in streaks . For a while it was Bubble Gum , but then he decided that was a bit too childish , so switched to Creamsickle . Now it was Macknaw Island Fudge . ( Continuation of Detective Niemi interviewing Jacob . Again , I 'm trying to show who the characters are through the dialogue and their behavior . Hopefully , you feel a connection to them . ) Niemi continued , " It was quite a bit later , wasn 't it ? Like about what time ? " Niemi paused , " Jacob , I already have an idea , but I need to confirm it with you , ok ? " A revelation hit Niemi , " Jacob , I think I understand . You got there about 1 : 30 , right ? And you went into the house , and I 'm not sure , what ? You watched TV ? Maybe played some video games ? Right ? And you didn 't go look for your grandfather until later say like 4 : 00 . Now , you 're thinking that if you had gone earlier , you might have found him and he would still be alive ? Am I right Jacob ? " " Jacob , listen , ok ? It wouldn 't have mattered . Your grandfather was already gone by 1 : 00 , so it wouldn 't have mattered what time you looked for him . So , it 's ok . " Jacob nodded his head and shifted more of his weight into his dad 's shoulder . Sylvia Saari , Jacob 's mother , placed her hand on her son 's shoulder and said , " It 's ok honey . " Jacob turned his head slightly towards his mother , glared at her out of the corner of his eye and shrugged her hand away . " Jacob , I need to ask you questions regarding other day , ok ? " Niemi waited for Jacob to say something , but the boy stood silent . " First , what time did you get to your grandfather 's ? " Detective Niemi whispered to Trooper Moilanen , " I 'm going to see if I can get a bit closer to the house . " Moilanen nodded . Niemi walked in a low crouch along the creek bed that ran along the backside of the property . As he got closer to the house , he stopped to inventory a flow of garbage that cascaded down the hillside . Empty containers of paint thinner , antifreeze and drain cleaner were mixed with plastic soda bottles and old tubing . He breathed in deeply and as he suspected smelled the odor of sulfur , rotten eggs . At the top of the gulley , Niemi eyed a cluster of ever greens that would make good cover for a close view of the backyard and the house . He crawled military style up the hill , dreading the idea of what Mrs . Niemi would say when she took a look at his dirty clothes . Stopping short of the top , he peered through the thick cover of branches . There was a light on in the house and some movement in a window . There was a murmur of voices , but Niemi couldn 't make out what was being said . He scanned the surroundings and the house , " Damnit , security cameras . I should have considered that ! " He looked overhead to see if there were any lines running into the woods . From his viewpoint he didn 't see any , but that didn 't mean there weren 't any . Reconnaissance complete , Niemi started to snake back down the hill , when he heard a door open and footsteps . The steps approached the hill . He rolled onto his left side and placed his right hand on his weapon . An empty bleach bottle flew into the gulley and landed with an empty sound . Several more containers followed . Niemi cringed as the footsteps moved closer to his cover . He held himself rigid and focused on breathing slow and deep . He heard what sounded like a zipper and then heard a flow of water hitting several inches away . Niemi cringed when some of the warm liquid landed on his right arm and shoulder . Margaret bit into the edge of a Vanilla wafer , took a sip of coffee and replied , " No , not really . I mean no , I didn 't see anything . You know anything of interest to you . " Margaret focused on the cotton tablecloth as she scraped at a piece of embedded red candle wax , " No , I didn 't see anything . All I know is that Jacob came running over to tell me his grandfather had been shot . That 's all I know . " Trooper Miller commented , " I 'm sure it was quite a shock to you . It 's so quiet out there . You don 't expect something like that to happen , do you ? " Margaret looked at the trooper , " No , you don 't , but then again every year you hear about someone getting shot during hunting season . People just don 't think . I stay away from the woods , this time of year . It 's just not safe . " " No , not close , but he was a good neighbor . We 've lived across the road from each other for years . When my husband passed , he just started taking care of the lawn , plowing my driveway , helping out when I needed some handy work done . " Margaret paused , " I just don 't know what I 'm going to do now . " Having left Margaret Tapio 's , Miller was backing out of the driveway when she swore and hit the brakes hard . Sheriff Saari , who had pulled in behind the State car , hopped out of his vehicle and walked up to Miller 's window . Miller lowered the window several inches . Sheriff Saari leaned on the State car , hands wide and chirped , " Hey Troop , Detective . So did old lady Tapio have anything to say ? " He smirked , " Well , I 'm sure she had plenty to say , but anything of interest ? " Saari nodded , " I didn 't expect so . " He looked around . " Well , I best be going . Was out riding around to see if I spotted anyone didn 't belong , but it 's been quiet out here . Always is . " Saari leaned in closer , stared at Niemi , " Well , if Tapio happens to remember something , you keep me informed , ok ? " A tan sheet snapped loudly at its apex before falling to quietly hang from the green cabled clothesline . Working in the small garden , Kirsti placed some green zebra and Cherokee purple tomatoes into a small bowl . The fresh tomatoes from the garden would go well on a salad with a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch . She looked up to see where Patton was , just in time to see him grab the sheet in mid ascent and whip it back and forth with what to Patton was a ferocious growl , but resembled more of a sputtering lawn mower . " Patton ! Stop that right now ! ! " Kirsti screamed across the yard . Patton released in mid whip and hung his head . It had not been the first time he had been scolded that morning . Kirsti snapped , " I don 't need this additional headache . I wish David had asked before getting you ! " Kirsti finished in the garden and started to walk towards the house . Patton , who had been busy chewing on an old shoe , snapped to attention and raced to the corner of the house . He let out a high pitched help and disappeared to the front of the house . Kirsti heard Karl Yzerman 's voice , " Patton you 've really grown ! " Kirsti rounded the corner of the house to see Patton frolicking around Karl 's legs , as the UPS driver playfully pushed the puppy from side to side . Karl cooed , " You remember me , Patton ? Huh ? You remember Karl ? " Karl nodded , " Well Kathy and I were thinking the four of us should get together . Go for a steak this weekend ? " He paused and added , " Kids are driving Kathy crazy at home . " Karl stated a bit over enthusiastically , " Sounds good ! I 'll let Kathy know . Well , got a lot of deliveries , so off I go . You have a great week . " Karl turned , hesitated , " Hang in there . " As Karl backed out onto County Road A44 , he yelled out the driver window , " Oh yeah , forgot to give you the weather report ! Supposed to be ninety 's over the weekend and next week up to one hundred ! Drink lots of fluids . You too Patton . " Kirsti waved to acknowledge she had heard . " Great , " she thought . Heat and humidity weren 't here friends . They gave her headaches and made her weak and light headed . To top it off , they still didn 't have air conditioning ; although , David had promised this was the year they would put it in . It was not going to be a fun time .
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We are surrounded by sickness in this world - physical , mental , and , the most deadly , spiritual . But we have hope through our Lord God as one of His names is the Healer . There is a balm in Gilead and He is the physician . I think that when we think of God as healer , the first thing we think of is physical healing , miraculous healing and sometimes , God does choose to heal in this manner . But I think that the most important and significant way He heals is through spiritual healing . HOw are we sick spiritually ? Well , in Exodus 15 : 26 God tells the people that He will protect them from disease if they obey His commands and do what is right in His sight . Does this mean that if someone gets sick , that is directly correlated to their sin ? I don 't think so , but there is a correlation to sin and sickness . You see , there was no sickness in the world until man chose to disobey God and introduced sin into the world . So , sickness is directly related to the sinful nature of man but not every illness is a direct consequence of personal sin . Even in the Old Testament Jesus was identified as our healer through His death and suffering on the cross . Isaiah 53 : 5 says that by Christ 's scourging we are healed . In Jeremiah 30 : 15 - 17 , Israel was suffering because of their sins - but God was merciful and promised to " restore you to health and heal you of your wounds . " In Psalm 147 : 3 God heals the brokenhearted and binds their wounds . In Matthew 8 : 16 - 17 we see Christ physically healing people and learn straight from Jesus in Luke 4 : 18 that He was SENT to heal . He healed physically to bring attention to His power and might . However , the most complete healing we can obtain is through repentence and belief in Jesus as the sacrifice for our sins , the ultimate disease . Without His sacrifice we are dead in sin , separated forever from God . Praise God He is Jehovah Rapha , for " He Himself bore our sins in His body on the cross , that we might die to sin and live to righteousness ; for by His wounds you were healed . " ( 1 Peter 2 : 24 - 25 ) We can look to physiPosted by Oh how I love to sleep in . I remember before we had kids , a great day began with sleeping in until 10 : 00 am or so . Of course , now I can 't even imagine sleeping in so late . For us , sleeping in is now 7 : 00 am . Which I 'm sure to some , that is definitely not sleeping in . I know at first it was really hard for us to give up the ritual of sleeping in . When Abigail was a baby Andy and I would take turns getting up with her in the morning . She 's always been an early riser - so she would wake around 6 : oo am , and one of us would get up while the other slept away until around 9 : 00 . Gradually though , things began changing . We both started realizing that we enjoyed that early morning time with our daughter . And then life happened , and Andy 's job started having him get up earlier , so without him at home , I had to get up . Who knew we could end up finding morning such a joyful time . It 's amazing how much we 've discovered that we can accomplish in the morning hours . We can have our quiet time with God before the bustle of the day . It 's early in the day yet , and I already have two loads of laundry finished , and my house is clean from company yesterday . Zander is just coming out of his morning fog , and now that I don 't have anything to get done , I can focus on playing with him and having a great time with him today . And wouldn 't you know , there is a scripture to go along with the idea of sleeping in . " Do not love sleep or you will grow poor ; stay awake and you will have food to spare . " Proverbs 20 : 13Do not love sleep . When you really think about it , of course it makes sense . We have just one lifetime to make a difference , why would we want to spend it in bed asleep ? That is such a waste . In the Broadway musical Rent there is a song called " No Day But Today . " And taken out of the context it was written for , it 's not a bad idea to think on . What if there was no day but today ? Would you sleep it away ? I think not . Stay awake and be productive , and you will have food to spare . Stay awake and sleep less , and think about how many more oppPosted by " Tax collectors and other notorious sinners often came to listen to Jesus teach . 2 This made the Pharisees and teachers of religious law complain that he was associating with such sinful people - even eating with them ! 3 So Jesus told them this story : 4 " If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them gets lost , what will he do ? Won 't he leave the ninety - nine others in the wilderness and go to search for the one that is lost until he finds it ? 5 And when he has found it , he will joyfully carry it home on his shoulders . 6 When he arrives , he will call together his friends and neighbors , saying , ' Rejoice with me because I have found my lost sheep . ' 7 In the same way , there is more joy in heaven over one lost sinner who repents and returns to God than over ninety - nine others who are righteous and haven 't strayed away ! " Luke 15 : 1 - 7When I read this passage I think about our friends and who we hang out with in general . I think as Christians we tend to get caught up in the " Christianity " of people . Our child comes home from school talking about a new friend , and we ask if that person is a Christian - to determine if they are worthy of our child 's friendship . Or when was the last time you invited a neighbor or unsaved co - worker to dinner ? We tend to stay in our Christian circles , and break bread with our brothers and sisters in Christ . This is not a bad thing - and I 'm certainly not saying it is on any level . But how can we reach the lost sheep if we don 't leave our circle . How can we be a witness to our unsaved community if we are not a part of it ? The work of the Kingdom involves spending time outside of it . In the Bible we read of the Pharisees , who spent so much time being worried about " contamination " that they stuck to their own little cloistered group . Then Jesus came along and chose to go where the sinners are . He ate and drank with them , and listened to their sad stories and prayed for them and with them . He is the perfect example for us . We need to be like Jesus and go out among the lost sheep and do what wPosted by " Oh , the joys of those who trust the Lord , who have no confidence in the proud or in those who worship idols . 5 O Lord my God , you have performed many wonders for us . Your plans for us are too numerous to list . You have no equal . If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds , I would never come to the end of them . 6 You take no delight in sacrifices or offerings . Now that you have made me listen , I finally understand - you don 't require burnt offerings or sin offerings . 7 Then I said , " Look , I have come . As is written about me in the Scriptures : 8 I take joy in doing your will , my God , for your instructions are written on my heart . " 9 I have told all your people about your justice . I have not been afraid to speak out , as you , O Lord , well know . 10 I have not kept the good news of your justice hidden in my heart ; I have talked about your faithfulness and saving power . I have told everyone in the great assembly of your unfailing love and faithfulness . 11 Lord , don 't hold back your tender mercies from me . Let your unfailing love and faithfulness always protect me . " Psalm 40 : 4 - 11This verse makes me think about my husband this morning . During the past four months he has really grown in his faith . His trust in God has deepened his relationship with God in such an amazing way , and these verses remind me of the fire he has burning in his heart right now . It 's fierce . He wants everyone he meets to hear about how the Lord has provided for him and his family . He wants everyone to know how much God loves them , and he is not afraid to tell them . He is not afraid of anyone mocking him or making fun of what he says , he want to shout it from the rooftops - he is so excited right now ! What a wonderful example for my children . To see their father talk openly about his faith is an example that I wish every child had . Our daughter 's heart is already full of joy - as she always has a song in her heart to sing to Jesus , and she does it with all her heart no matter where she is and what she is doing . She has her Daddy 's outgoing Posted by " This is the message we heard from Jesus and now declare to you : God is light , and there is no darkness in him at all . 6 So we are lying if we say we have fellowship with God but go on living in spiritual darkness ; we are not practicing the truth . 7 But if we are living in the light , as God is in the light , then we have fellowship with each other , and the blood of Jesus , his Son , cleanses us from all sin . 8 If we claim we have no sin , we are only fooling ourselves and not living in the truth . 9 But if we confess our sins to him , he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness . 10 If we claim we have not sinned , we are calling God a liar and showing that his word has no place in our hearts . " 1 John 1 : 5 - 10This is a passage to think on today . I 'm still thinking on it , so that 's why I thought I 'd share it . I 'm thinking specifically right now about sin . My husband has been listening to some CD 's during his work commute this week , and every day he 's brought home something to think about . This week one of the things he mentioned was how so often in today 's churches and messages we hear encouraging things about sin . About how when we sin , it 's okay , we can always get back up and try again . And that 's good . . . but at the same time isn 't it bad ? Isn 't it ( as Andy put it ) a sort of " Sin Management " ? Wouldn 't it be better to feel convicted about sinning instead of feeling encouraged about trying again ? So then I was thinking about sin , and how do I sin ? You know , I really had to think about it . I don 't sin , I don 't do anything wrong - do I ? Then I tried thinking of sin in a different light . Sin is something that makes you feel uncomfortable . Something you know you shouldn 't be doing , but you 're doing it anyway . To some , sin can be as simple as sleeping in . To others , something more serious like drinking to excess or swearing can be a sin . There are certainly plenty of days I 'm guilty of doing something I think I shouldn 't . Like shopping for one ( although that has gotten much better ) . Or whPosted by " The members of the council were amazed when they saw the boldness of Peter and John , for they could see that they were ordinary men with no special training in the Scriptures . They also recognized them as men who had been with Jesus . " Acts 4 : 13Fellowship is such an important part of being a Christian . We need fellowship - we need those fellow Christians that we can rely on , and who can rely on us . One of the way that fellow Christians can be described is as a " friend of Jesus . " It 's very true - we all are friends of Jesus aren 't we ? And it makes it even easier to get to know someone - or meet someone from another country or culture . If you both love Jesus - you immediately have something in common . Sometimes I wonder though if being friends with friends of Jesus can get in the way of being friends with Jesus ? We can spend so much time with our friends and in the spirit of fellowship , that we forget that Jesus wants some of our time too . He wants us to have one - on - one time with him - he 's our friend too . And in order to be friends with someone , you have to maintain that friendship . The disciples had been true friends with Jesus . They were men who " had been with Jesus . " That has more than one meaning . Yes , they had spent time with him while he was here on earth - and they were his closest friends . But they had also experienced Jesus . They had spent time with him one - on - one - personally . That 's what Jesus wants from us . He wants us to spend one - on - one time with him so that we can get to know him better . I think he does not want us to enjoy fellowship more than friendship with him . Just something to keep in mind . Fellowship is important and it is a wonderful thing to have , but we need to make sure we 're keeping our eye on the reason for the fellowship . To be friends with Jesus , to give him a portion of our time . As with the disciples years ago , we want the world to be in awe that we 've " been with Jesus " and then want that for themselves . I love to be with people , with Christian friends , but I need to be careful to not lovePosted by " And now , dear brothers and sisters , one final thing . Fix your thoughts on what is true , and honorable , and right , and pure , and lovely , and admirable . Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise . " Philippians 4 : 8 ( NLT ) This is one of those verse that I memorized so long ago , and when I did memorize it , it was in the King James version , so I 'll put that one here also - it is a little different than the above translation . " Finally , brethren , whatsoever things are true , whatsoever things are honest , whatsoever things are just , whatsoever things are pure , whatsoever things are lovely , whatsoever things are of good report ; if there be any virtue , and if there be any praise , think on these things . " Philippians 4 : 8 ( KJV ) Either way though , it mentions eight things that we should think on . Eight " characters " of thought . We can use these eight characters as our thought gatekeepers . As we go about our day we can use these gatekeepers as our moral guidelines . All day long , our brains our taking in information . And there are several questions we can ask ourselves about all the little bits that come in . First of all , is what we 've just learned true ? God IS truth , and we can use him to help us measure up with the truthfulness of what we 've heard , seen , or are thinking . Is what we are thinking honorable ? Are you thinking impure thoughts , or are you having a not - so - nice internal dialogue about a specific person ? Is what we are about to do right or just ? Are we about to do something out of spite or because that person isn 't our favorite person right now ? What are our motives ? As we sit and watch a movie or a TV show - is this movie pure and lovely ? What impure thoughts will it place in my mind ? Will it inspire me to take action on something good ? Are our conversations admirable ? Or are we gossiping ? Do we ask someone how they are doing just to feed the gossip mill ? Or is it out of genuine concern for their well - being . And finally - are our thoughts or actions excellent or worthy of praise ? Are we thinking about helping that nPosted by I love the title of today 's post . I saw it in my devotional and I new it was for me today . Just think about it . To delight in doing God 's will . What great idea - and a great feeling that is ! Last night at our group we were discussing that very thing . About how sometimes the will of God is right in front of your face , and sometimes , you don 't realize you 've done God 's will until you already did it . But for the most part - you can find God 's will in a book specially made just for you , and that of course , is your Bible . And look at this verse that I found in it today ! " Don 't copy the behavior and customs of this world , but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think . Then you will learn to know God 's will for you , which is good and pleasing and perfect . " Romans 12 : 2That 's really an incredible verse in the Bible . It has many things to say to me this morning . The first being to not copy the customs and behavior of this world . I think that for the most part I 've always marched to a different drummer , but often times I get caught up in what other people are doing . For example . Today Andy went back to work ( I know - that is enough for me to leap for joy today ! ) and I could certainly spend the day lounging - not doing much , and doing those things a housewife is " known to do " . I could spend some time watching talk shows and TV or soap operas . Or I could sit around - maybe play with Zander a bit , but mostly do my own thing . I could pull out a book or scrap booking things that I haven 't touched in years . Instead though , God has totally changed my way of thinking . Today is all about enjoying time with my son . Everyday is about spending time with my children and helping mold them into little people for God . And I delight in that every single day . Every day . So I have also understood the next part of the verse - allow God to change the way you think . Changing the way you think can be really hard ! ! It 's like developing a habit - or trying to rid yourself of one . It doesn 't often happen overnight . But that 's wPosted by 25 " Therefore I tell you , do not worry about your life , what you will eat or drink ; or about your body , what you will wear . Is not life more important than food , and the body more important than clothes ? 26Look at the birds of the air ; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns , and yet your heavenly Father feeds them . Are you not much more valuable than they ? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life ? " Matthew 6 : 25 - 27This is one of those passages in the Bible that doesn 't need much discussion . Look ! It says right in the Bible - " do not worry " . And while it is human nature to worry - I think , we don 't have to do it . We can look worry straight in the eye and say " Be gone ! I have no need to worry , the Lord is on my side . " I love watching the birds in our backyard . We have a large open area , and it is full of birds . On warmer mornings I love to sit on the patio with my coffee while Zander plays and watch the birds interact with each other . And I always think about this verse when I do that . I think about how God watches every single one of these birds - and there is always plenty of food . Whether it be from one of the many feeders in the area , or from the plethora of worms plucked from the ground . The birds always have plenty , and are always full of songs of joy . Right now I liken Andy and myself to the birds . We have plenty . We have an abundance that only God could have provided . And like the songbirds , we want to announce that to everyone who will listen . That God does provide ! ! ! There is no reason to worry , because he is watching over us and will make sure that our needs are met . It is a beautiful day ! The Lord does provide - and not only has he provided our basic needs , but today he has provided the most beautiful day ! The sun is bright and shining , and we will be spending the next day or so outdoors in his splendor . God is great ! " Why do you make me look at injustice ? Why do you tolerate wrong ? Destruction and violence are before me ; there is strife , and conflict abounds . " Habakkuk 1 : 3Frequently people find themselves asking why . Why did I have to go through this ? Or why did this happen to me ? Or to them ? Habakkuk asked those same questions of God . His people sinned greatly , and they needed to be punished , but Habakkuk did not like God 's choice of punisher . Israel had been given plenty of chances to repent for their sins , and always refused God . So God sent in their enemies - the Babylonians to deal his swift punishment . Habakkuk understood this , but that didn 't mean he wanted to see it or experience it himself . Habakkuk knew that God had to let the people make their own choices , and then deal with the consequences of their choices . God does not force us to live his way . He also does not enjoy causing people sorrow or times of hurt . But all those dark times , the times where you feel as though you are under attack are designed to bring you closer to him . God 's " discipline " is always meant to lead us back to him . Later on in Habakkuk , God gave the Israelites promises for the future . God always answers us . Habakkuk lamented to God , and God heard him , and he answered . We may not like the answers he gives us , but if we listen carefully , we will see that there is always a rainbow at the end of the trial . There is always a light at the end of the tunnel , and that light is our Lord , waiting patiently for us to make it through just one more trial . 1 Praise the Lord , who is my rock . He trains my hands for war and gives my fingers skill for battle . 2 He is my loving ally and my fortress , my tower of safety , my rescuer . He is my shield , and I take refuge in him . He makes the nations submit to me . 3 O Lord , what are human beings that you should notice them , mere mortals that you should think about them ? 4 For they are like a breath of air ; their days are like a passing shadow . 5 Open the heavens , Lord , and come down . Touch the mountains so they billow smoke . 6 Hurl your lightning bolts and scatter your enemies ! Shoot your arrows and confuse them ! 7 Reach down from heaven and rescue me ; rescue me from deep waters , from the power of my enemies . 8 Their mouths are full of lies ; they swear to tell the truth , but they lie instead . 9 I will sing a new song to you , O God ! I will sing your praises with a ten - stringed harp . 10 For you grant victory to kings ! You rescued your servant David from the fatal sword . 11 Save me ! Rescue me from the power of my enemies . Their mouths are full of lies ; they swear to tell the truth , but they lie instead . 12 May our sons flourish in their youth like well - nurtured plants . May our daughters be like graceful pillars , carved to beautify a palace . 13 May our barns be filled with crops of every kind . May the flocks in our fields multiply by the thousands , even tens of thousands , 14 and may our oxen be loaded down with produce . May there be no enemy breaking through our walls , no going into captivity , no cries of alarm in our town squares . 15 Yes , joyful are those who live like this ! Joyful indeed are those whose God is the Lord . Psalm 144This past week Andy was doing some extra work to try and bring in some money to pay the bills . It 's amazing how when the finances get dangerously low , someone asks Andy to do some work for them . His provision is endless ! He had two jobs lined up this past weekend , and after he finished the first , he didn 't receive anything for the work . We both were a little disappointed in that , but Andy just said that Posted by " And you yourself must be an example to them by doing good works of every kind . Let everything you do reflect the integrity and seriousness of your teaching . " Titus 2 : 7 " Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains , your justice like the ocean depths . You care for people and animals alike , O Lord . " Psalm 36 : 6In the few days of our meaningless lives , who knows how our days can best be spent ? Our lives are like a shadow . Who can tell what will happen on this earth after we are gone ? " Ecclesiastes 6 : 12Something that has been on my mind lately has been taking care of what we have . Or being a good steward of what God has blessed us with . One thing that this could apply to is money and the issue of tithing . But I 've already talked on that before , and it is not what is on my mind this morning . Instead , I am thinking green . I am thinking about the issue of recycling and not being wasteful . I am talking about taking care of what has already been given us , so that we can prepare ourselves for our heavenly rewards . This has become somewhat important to me , and that in itself is odd - I have not always been a fan of recycling or " being green " . It seemed radical and silly to me . Not so anymore . I want to do what I can to take care of this beautiful planet that God made for us to live on for a time . Because someday , I am going to live someplace much more beautiful , and I want to be able to take care of that too . As Christians , I think that we have a chance to make a difference and be an example when it comes to taking care of our space . One of the things Andy did during his time off was to remodel the kitchen at church so that it is a functional space . Our desire is to fill it with real plates , silverware , coffee mugs , glasses , etc , so that we can be less wasteful . It is awful to see that every time we have a get - together we have bag upon bag of disposable dishes going to the curb . Another thing that we have supplied the church with is dish towels and washcloths and plenty of sponges , because we 've become so reliant on disposPosted by 2 Dear brothers and sisters , when troubles come your way , consider it an opportunity for great joy . 3 For you know that when your faith is tested , your endurance has a chance to grow . 4 So let it grow , for when your endurance is fully developed , you will be perfect and complete , needing nothing . 5 If you need wisdom , ask our generous God , and he will give it to you . He will not rebuke you for asking . 6 But when you ask him , be sure that your faith is in God alone . Do not waver , for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind . 7 Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord . 8 Their loyalty is divided between God and the world , and they are unstable in everything they do . James 1 : 2 - 8Andy and I have been discussing faith lately - as well as endurance . I love these first few verse of James - they are such an encouragement , and give me great hope for what 's to come . Verse 2 comes right out and says that our trials and troubles are reason for joy ! And how right that is . For it is only when we are truly tested that we learn our reliance on God . God allows us to go through the trials so that we can deepen our reliance on HIM . And once we are through the trial , we are much better because of it . Verse 4 says that we will be so strong in character that we will be ready for anything . Anything ! Wow - how cool is that . Then there 's verse 5 . If you need direction - ask . And he will gladly tell you . He will gladly tell you . And then I personally love the next part - don 't ask him unless you expect an answer . People who are doubtful of God 's reply , and God 's answer should not ask him at all . Oh we are so not doubtful . We know that God has great things in store for us , and we know that we will go wherever he tells us to go , and do whatever he wants us to do . We are coming out of the murk and the trouble , and at this precise moment , we are standing near an edge . It 's almost time for us to make a leap - we just don 't know yet what that leap is or where it 's goinPosted by " Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have , because God has said , " Never will I leave you , never will I forsake you . " Hebrews 13 : 5I don 't have much to say today . This verse actually about sums it up . Today I will clean the house up a bit , so it 's ready for our small group tomorrow . I 'm looking forward to that . We took a week off for Easter , and sometimes two weeks between visits is just too long . Andy is out doing some work that God has provided so that we can pay some bills in the weeks ahead , and the kids are both looking forward to a day of playing together . What could be better than that ! may God bless your day as much as he has already blessed ours . He who gathers crops in summer is a wise son , but he who sleeps during harvest is a disgraceful son . ( NIV ) A wise youth harvests in the summer , but one who sleeps during harvest is a disgrace . ( NLT ) Make hay while the sun shines - that 's smart ; go fishing during harvest - that 's stupid . ( The Message ) Proverbs 10 : 5All those verse above are the same verse from different translations . Every once in a while - especially with Proverbs , I like comparing translations to see how they differ . You can see that Proverbs 10 : 5 has several different versions , and each one digs a little differently into the meaning of it . One of the lessons that Andy and I have been learning and working on lately is the concept of " stuff " - basically needs versus wants . It 's amazing how much better life can be when you truly analyze something and ask whether you need an item - or you just want it . Case in point , my couch that I 've mentioned before . I have a couch . It 's definitely had better days , but it functions perfectly well . I don 't need a new couch . I want a new couch . So in order to satisfy my wants without affecting my needs , I 'm looking for new ways to re - invent my couch . I have a handmade quilt winging it 's way from Indiana that I purchased online for a bargain that will cover my couch for me - and give it a completely new look - which is really what I want . It 's really hard to teach this lesson to my children . During the limited amount of time that they watch TV , they are constantly being bombarded with the latest craze in toys , video games , or movies , and it 's so hard to explain to them that they really don 't need any of that . So we 're trying to show them . Abigail is old enough that she 's been paying attention . We 've discussed many times with her over the last several months the issue of money . And how if she really wants something , she needs to save her money for it . She gets her money from doing chores around the house for us . The number one rule to her chores , is that they must be done cheerfully . The minute she complains about cleaning her Posted by I wait quietly before God , for my victory comes from him . 2 He alone is my rock and my salvation , my fortress where I will never be shaken . 3 So many enemies against one man - all of them trying to kill me . To them I 'm just a broken - down wall or a tottering fence . 4 They plan to topple me from my high position . They delight in telling lies about me . They praise me to my face but curse me in their hearts . Interlude 5 Let all that I am wait quietly before God , for my hope is in him . 6 He alone is my rock and my salvation , my fortress where I will not be shaken . 7 My victory and honor come from God alone . He is my refuge , a rock where no enemy can reach me . 8 O my people , trust in him at all times . Pour out your heart to him , for God is our refuge . Interlude 9 Common people are as worthless as a puff of wind , and the powerful are not what they appear to be . If you weigh them on the scales , together they are lighter than a breath of air . 10 Don 't make your living by extortion or put your hope in stealing . And if your wealth increases , don 't make it the center of your life . 11 God has spoken plainly , and I have heard it many times : Power , O God , belongs to you ; 12 unfailing love , O Lord , is yours . Surely you repay all people according to what they have done . Psalm 62It 's difficult to be quiet . Really . We have all become so noisy . There is always noise in the background - whether it be TV , music , the washing machine running , or children playing , there is almost always noise . Being a mom of young children , I have certainly come to understand and respect the quiet . Those rare moments when everyone is outside and I am in , or Andy takes Zander somewhere and the house is silent . And those moments are definitely rare . It 's in those moments that I usually get myself a cup of coffee or tea , and I will just sit at the kitchen table with a book and enjoy the silence . Sometimes that becomes my impromptu quiet time with God , because we need to experience quiet with him . It 's during those quiet moments that we fill our hearts Posted by " For we speak as messengers approved by God to be entrusted with the Good News . Our purpose is to please God , not people . He alone examines the motives of our hearts . " 1 Thessalonians 2 : 4Sinners don 't want to hear that they are sinners . The last thing that a group of hard - hearted teens want to hear is that they are all sinners , and that what they are doing is wrong . Sometimes though , that 's just what they need to hear . It can be really hard as Christians to share the Good News with other people who need to hear it . One of those reasons is that it is human nature to want people to like us . When I am meeting someone new for the first time , or having lunch with someone I don 't know very well , I want them to like me . In the case of an unsaved person , I want them to get to know me and get to like me more so that eventually I can work on saving them . So often , if the discussion of church comes up , I will just gloss over the surface . I 'll share a little bit , but certainly not enough to make someone uncomfortable . I can 't help but wonder if this is the wrong thing to be doing . It 's like wooing - you 're wooing someone , trying to make them comfortable with you before pouncing and telling them they are a sinner and going to hell for forever . If you think of the negative consequences , the plan can totally backfire , and the new friend can feel betrayed . At that point , you may lose both a friend and a soul for Jesus . Wouldn 't it be better and more to the point to start off the friendship with a statement of faith ? That person may want to know more about both you and your faith if you start off in that vein . We need to please God first , and sometimes that means sharing a message that doesn 't want to be heard . Maybe this new acquaintance needs to be told straight out that their lifestyle isn 't pleasing to God , and it needs to change . I suppose part of this is paying attention to the promptings of the Holy Spirit . As long as pleasing God is our number one purpose , we can listen for the Holy Spirit to guide our words , and guide our Posted by The other day on a message board I visit I saw a message that made me think . There was a discussion about someone being diagnosed with a disease , and many people were replying with virtual hugs and prayers . One person replied something along the lines of " I 'm not a religious person , so I can 't send prayers . " That made me think twice for many reasons . The first being that this person has no relationship with God whatsoever . I mean , you hear all the time of people who go to church on occasion , but I guess I don 't know too many people who have absolutely no faith at all ! And the second thing I thought was that anyone can pray ! God hears the prayers of everyone - regardless of a prior relationship with him . " Then Peter replied , " I see very clearly that God shows no favoritism . 35 In every nation he accepts those who fear him and do what is right . " Acts 10 : 34 , 35 " He is the one all the prophets testified about , saying that everyone who believes in him will have their sins forgiven through his name . " Acts 10 : 43Everyone . And there is no favoritism . Anyone and everyone can pray to God and be heard . Everyone ! God hears the prayers of both believers and unbelievers . Everyone who is a believer now was once an unbeliever , and God heard us when we first called him to enter our lives - would he do no less for everyone else ? Acts 10 : 31 says " Your prayers have been heard . " God hears the prayers of every person in every nation . Do you have something you 'd like to talk to God about ? Go ahead , he is listening , and waiting . He wants to hear what you have to say to him . " Let your conversation be always full of grace , seasoned with salt , so that you may know how to answer everyone . " Colossians 4 : 6Grace is a gift . It is beautiful grace that gives me a life that will last forever in the presence of God . Grace has many definitions in the dictionary , but to me , it means what I don 't deserve . I certainly don 't deserve grace . I don 't deserve a wonderful husband and my beautiful children . I don 't deserve the newfound joy I have in my daily housework . And I most definitely don 't deserve the ultimate gift from Jesus Christ - that of life eternal . That is grace . Grace is what I get - despite not deserving it . And grace is something that I have been praying about , that I may be an example of grace , and may share that grace with other people . " Therefore , as God 's chosen people , holy and dearly loved , clothe yourselves with compassion , kindness , humility , gentleness and patience . 13Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another . Forgive as the Lord forgave you . " Colossians 3 : 12 - 13We 've all been there . That person just keeps talking , they just keep going on and on about their problems , and while you don 't really want to continue listening , you are polite and reply when necessary the whole while just wishing that person would shut up so you can get on with your business . Imagine how different that conversation could be with a little application of grace . Instead of standing and nodding at your speaker , you gently guide them to a seat nearby so you can focus on what they are saying . You listen intently , interjecting where you can , offering encouragement or support as needed . And when they 've finally finished , you quietly ask if you can pray for them and for this situation . And then before you leave , you let them know to call you if they need anything , and tell them that you will be thinking of them and praying for them that week . That is grace through and through . Think about that other person . Think about how much better they will be because you took the timePosted by My devotional today has a good lesson today about making choices . I thought I 'd share that today , as it is very appropriate for the Easter holiday . So the other disciples told him , " We have seen the Lord ! " But he said to them , " Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were , and put my hand into his side , I will not believe it . " John 20 : 25This verse is after Jesus has risen , and all the disciples except for Thomas have seen their Lord , alive and well . Here , Thomas has made the choice to be doubtful . Rather than choose to believe in the Lord he has come to know and love , he chooses to remain doubtful and wills himself to doubt the appearance of Jesus . When he sees Jesus , this is what Jesus says to him : Then he said to Thomas , " Put your finger here ; see my hands . Reach out your hand and put it into my side . Stop doubting and believe . " John 20 : 27Jesus appealed to Thomas 's will , and he believed after that . And then later on , before Jesus ascends to Heaven , " When they saw him , they worshiped him ; but some doubted . " Matthew 28 : 17Doubt is a choice . Choosing to believe in the Resurrection leads to joy , peace , and the experience of knowing and loving Christ . This living Christ is the biggest reason we share our faith with others - we want them to experience what we experience - the joy and the everlasting life in his presence . People in general tend to be suspicious by nature though , they think there should be strings attached . They want hard evidence and hard facts . The enemies of Christ choose not to believe . They choose to create confusion and deny his resurrection . His enemies are those who even today , are finding tombs and claiming that they have proof that Jesus was a man and not a God . Yet Jesus was a man ! And he is a God ! No other religion can claim that their God became a man to be with them for a time , to experience life as a man , and then died for all men . And then after that death - rose again ! Death is not a state that can be simply overcome . There can be no greater miracle than thaPosted by " And I will give them singleness of heart and put a new spirit within them . I will take away their stony , stubborn heart and give them a tender , responsive heart , " Ezekiel 11 : 19Organ donation is a huge sacrifice . We hear about it a lot , where complete strangers offer up a kidney for someone they don 't even know . Or a family who 's lost a young life too early donates the vital organs to help another child . But something that we don 't hear very often is a person who is alive saying to another " take my heart " . It just doesn 't happen , without a heart we can 't live . But someone did do that once upon a time ! About 2 , 000 years ago , God accepted the heart of his son Jesus and offered it to a sick and dying world . Jesus , by hanging on a cross , offered up his heart so that all may be saved . According to the verse in Ezekiel we all need a new heart . Here are a few other verses about that . " But my people have stubborn and rebellious hearts . They have turned away and abandoned me . " Jeremiah 5 : 23 " The human heart is the most deceitful of all things , and desperately wicked . Who really knows how bad it is ? " Jeremiah 17 : 9 " Be careful then , dear brothers and sisters . Make sure that your own hearts are not evil and unbelieving , turning you away from the living God . " Hebrews 3 : 12But God promises to give us a new heart . He promises to give us his heart . AS we come to him for forgiveness , he promises to help us live a better and " morally excellent " life . " In view of all this , make every effort to respond to God 's promises . Supplement your faith with a generous provision of moral excellence , and moral excellence with knowledge " 1 Peter 1 : 5And by accepting God 's new heart for us we can share in God 's character . " And because of his glory and excellence , he has given us great and precious promises . These are the promises that enable you to share his divine nature and escape the world 's corruption caused by human desires . " 2 Peter 1 : 4The heart transplant is only the beginning ! As with a real heart transplant , we start with baby steps beforePosted by 10 All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful for those who keep the demands of his covenant . 11 For the sake of your name , O LORD , forgive my iniquity , though it is great . 12 Who , then , is the man that fears the LORD ? He will instruct him in the way chosen for him . 13 He will spend his days in prosperity , and his descendants will inherit the land . 14 The LORD confides in those who fear him ; he makes his covenant known to them . 15 My eyes are ever on the LORD , for only he will release my feet from the snare . Psalm 25 : 10 - 15The man who fears the Lord will receive instruction as to the path God has chosen for him . How great is that ! Now obviously the term " man " is used in general here and can be applied to a woman as well . It would read more like a person who fears the Lord . But the exciting part to me is that we will receive instruction to our path . God himself will see to it that we receive the instruction that we need . For some people , this may mean higher educations specifically , and for some people it may be spiritual direction . For myself , I believe that right now that path is the one I am one . The path of mother and homemaker . And for me , I 've found my direction right in my Bible ! That is the best part . I have posted many times before , and I will certainly do so again that Proverbs 31 is my inspiration . It is the passage in the Bible that I try so hard to model myself after . My path , my direction right now is to honor my husband with all my heart and soul . To maintain his home in a manner befitting him , and to raise his children in the best way possible . That is the path for now , once the children have grown and gone on to their own respective paths , that may change . I may find myself at the beginning of a new path , but for today , I thank the Lord for this current path that I am on , and I pray that he continue to guide me along the way and help me to rise above the many obstacles that are placed before me . " I tell you , her sins - and they are many - have been forgiven , so she has shown me much love . But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love . " Luke 7 : 47God can forgive us of anything . Regardless of " how bad " we think our sin has been , we can be forgiven , as long as we have faith and ask our Lord . " And Jesus said to the woman , " Your faith has saved you ; go in peace . " Luke 7 : 50When we experience God 's forgiveness , we respond . As people we respond with love . As we undergo forgiveness , we realize exactly what the cost was to be forgiven . How can we not love Christ in return for the opportunity of forgiveness ? He suffered so much so that I might be forgiven of my sins . He suffered for me - for me personally . He knew me before I was born , and knew that I would need him . And he knew my family , and my friends , and he knew that we would all need him . And when the time came , Jesus gave his life for all of us . Wow . May the Lord continue to open my eyes to the sacrifice made for me . And may I continue to be the example I need to be for my children . " After Jesus had said this , he went on ahead , going up to Jerusalem . 29As he approached Bethphage and Bethany at the hill called the Mount of Olives , he sent two of his disciples , saying to them , 30 " Go to the village ahead of you , and as you enter it , you will find a colt tied there , which no one has ever ridden . Untie it and bring it here . 31If anyone asks you , ' Why are you untying it ? ' tell him , ' The Lord needs it . ' " 32Those who were sent ahead went and found it just as he had told them . 33As they were untying the colt , its owners asked them , " Why are you untying the colt ? " 34They replied , " The Lord needs it . " Luke 19 : 28 - 34I also enjoyed this point from our Palm Sunday message . And that is that God knows what he is doing , even when we are clueless . Even in those moments when we have no idea what we are doing or why we are doing - those times where we may feel a little lost , God knows what is going on . That can be a great comfort ! Lately I have been feeling a little unsure about things relating to church , but again ( another message for me ! ) I can take great comfort in knowing that God knows . I may not know the reason for being where we are , but God sure does . And in his timing , that will be revealed to me . In the meantime , I will embrace the fact that God knows . I may not , and that is okay - it doesn 't mean I understand it , but I will continue doing what I do and pray for guidance and wisdom . This past week , Andy and I realized that the last time we took a break from church was in August . Every Sunday he 's been at church serving , and for some reason , we just felt led to take a break this week and go somewhere else . So he made arrangements and we chose a church to attend that Abigail had actually asked about at some point . Our church that we belong to is very small , and very cozy , so you can imagine the difference going to a mega - church might be . But it really wasn 't . Abigail thoroughly enjoyed Sunday School class , and the message by the Pastor was specifically for us . God wanted us at that church yesterday morning because the Palm Sunday message was a confirmation for us to stay the course . That we are doing exactly what we should be doing and to keep it up . We felt so encouraged as we left that church yesterday . They are doing great things , and will be in my prayer list for a bit of time to come . Anyway , the message . There were three parts to his sermon , and it would likely take a while for me to post all of my thoughts on the whole thing , but there is one part that particularly stuck out to me - and that I was supposed to hear . 38 " Blessed is the king who comes in the name of the Lord ! " " Peace in heaven and glory in the highest ! " 39Some of the Pharisees in the crowd said to Jesus , " Teacher , rebuke your disciples ! " 40 " I tell you , " he replied , " if they keep quiet , the stones will cry out . " 41As he approached Jerusalem and saw the city , he wept over it 42and said , " If you , even you , had only known on this day what would bring you peace - but now it is hidden from your eyes . 43The days will come upon you when your enemies will build an embankment against you and encircle you and hem you in on every side . 44They will dash you to the ground , you and the children within your walls . They will not leave one stone on another , because you did not recognize the time of God 's coming to you . " Luke 19 : 38 - 44There is such a strong visual image here , and that is of Jesus , riding on a donkey , all the people around him chPosted by In Luke 18 : 1 - 8 Jesus tells a parable about a judge who " did not fear God and did not respct man " and a widow who was seeking protection from a legal opponent . She kept on coming to the judge asking for help . He was unwilling to help her , but because she was persistent , he gave her protection . Jesus then says " now , will not God bring about justice for His elect who cry to Him day and night , and will He delay long over them ? I tell you that He will bring about justice for them quickly . " vs 7 - 8 . Unlike this judge , our Heavenly Father and judge wants to provide justice for us . We are His children . He is not deaf to our appeals . Sometimes it may feel that He is not listening , but sometimes the answer to our prayers is wait . Maybe he withholds resolution to our prayers to draw us closer to Him and make us develop a habit ( and desire ) to spend time talking to Him , time in prayer . Prayer is a way that we acknowledge our dependence on God and how we become intimate with Him . How do you get to know someone ? You spend time with them . May I make my relationship with God a priority , over all else . That 's God 's priority . . . my relationship with Him ( and yours ) . Why else did He send Jesus . . . to reconcile us to Himself , into a right relationship . Be persistent in your time with Him .
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We cannot find account with that email . Please check the email and try again or sign up for an account . ( ex : email @ mail . com ) Suicide . It 's a terrible word . One of the worst words for a parent to hear . As I was writing this , I received an email from the National Alliance on Mental Illness about suicide prevention . There are tons of posts on social media about suicide prevention because reports just came out about suicide rates being at an all time high . This post is different than most posts about suicide . This is about impulsive suicide . Last February , I got a call from my son 's school telling me I needed to come there . They did not tell me why . When I got to the school , they told me to come sit down . I knew something bad had happened . They told me I needed to get my son evaluated . Wait , I need to go to the ER ? I was so confused and disoriented . Everything had been OK . He was fine that morning . He was fine the day before . The school informed me my son had suddenly tried to take his own life by running into oncoming traffic . We went to the ER . They would not let him go home . I asked what would happen if I tried to take him home . I was told that was not an option . The hospital psychiatrist actually kept using the word suicide attempt . It was so hard to hear . He had talked about wanting to die before , he would bang his head for long periods of time trying to hurt himself , but suicide attempt ? That is not something that any parent wants to hear . Related Stories As a parent of a child diagnosed with a mental illness , losing my child this way is my worst fear . Even just hearing him say he wants to kill himself is excruciatingly painful . He 's not currently in crisis . If you asked me today he 's suicidal right now , I would tell you no . Not at all . If you asked him , he would say he is fine . That day in February , I would have told you he wasn 't suicidal either . He would not have met any warning signs . But my son is impulsive . His moods change rapidly and he gets angry and upset without understanding why he 's angry and upset . If something triggers him , his anger and sadness can quickly escalate . Most suicides are planned . These can be prevented . You need to listen to people , take people seriously and look for the warning signs . This is important and crucial . We need to advocate for funding , for reducing stigma , for early intervention and resources . MIGHTY PARTNER RESOURCES But in some cases , suicide or suicide attempts are impulsive , unplanned acts . Some happen within five minutes of thinking about it for the first time . An article recently published in the Journal of Abnormal Psychology states that " Suicide is the second leading cause of death among adolescents , and impulsivity has emerged as a promising marker of risk . " So what do we do about that ? When the incident happened last February . I was devastated . I was scared . He was scared . We were all scared . He acted impulsively . He could have died . Did he truly want to take his life or was he just angry and at that moment that was what his impulses told him to do ? His flight reflex . I fear it will happen again . Luckily , I was right there and was able to calm him down within an hour or so . But what happens when I am not there ? Suicide prevention is important . We need to know the warning signs and what to look out for . But we also need to learn more about the underlying causes of impulsivity and the illnesses that result in our children acting this way . We need funding for more research for mental illness in general - the causes , medications and therapies . For now , how do we prevent that from happening again ? I do not have the answers , but this is why I am doing what I do . More research needs to be done . As the email I received from the National Alliance on Mental Illness says , we need to advocate for funding , for answers , for the stigma to go away , for awareness . Related Stories We have to be vigilant . We have to learn triggers , continue to work on coping skills and how to manage and teach these children and make sure that behavioral programs in schools are adequate and appropriate . If you or someone you know needs help , see our suicide prevention resources . If you need support right now , call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1 - 800 - 273 - 8255 . Follow this journey on Think of Happy Things . Continue reading this story . . . 5k5k RELATED VIDEOS You know how it is . Sometimes you 're driving along in your car and a song comes on the radio that touches on something deep within . And before you know it , your vision is blurred as you drive through your tears . One year has passed since my father 's suicide . More than 365 days since the call that changed my life forever . The ground shifted beneath my feet the moment the words were spoken . And I 've not known what it feels like to be on solid ground since . How do you love someone through a loss like mine ? It is fraught with so many layers , pitfalls and obstacles . You can 't walk this path for me . You can 't drag me along at a pace that you believe will hasten my healing . But you can accompany me . The song by X Ambassadors is called " Unsteady . " Today was the first time I 've heard it . The chorus is simple , yet deeply profound . A little unsteady And that is all I ask . In time , I will find my footing . I will learn to carry this altered sense of self with strides that are more certain and strong . I will wear my status as " survivor " with a greater depth of purpose , but a lessened degree of palpable pain . I 'm learning . It is still new . And I am hurting , even as I am healing . Related Stories If you love me , don 't let go Hold tight to my hand . Walk with me in loving silence . Open your heart and listen . Let me tell you my truth . I do not trust this ground quite yet , lest it shift once again just as I find my stance . What was never supposed to happen , did . My faith provides no clear compass through this new terrain ; like the GPS when I make a wrong turn , it is constantly recalculating . So how do you love me through this loss , this unfamiliar terrain of suicide loss ? The song says it all … If you or someone you know needs help , see our suicide prevention resources . If you need support right now , call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1 - 800 - 273 - 8255 . This blog was originally published on Reflecting Out Loud . The Mighty is asking the following : Describe a scene or line from a movie that 's stuck with you through your experience with disability , disease or mental illness . Check out our Submit a Story page for more about our submission guidelines . Continue reading this story . . . 144144 Deborah Greene To the new Survivor of Suicide , I was you . We will be Survivors for the rest of our lives , but in those first moments , everything is too raw to really understand what that means . So take a minute and breathe . Your life has just completely changed , but you will be OK . The first person I called was a best friend , hoping she would tell me my boyfriend is probably fine behind that locked door to our back office . But she said she and her husband were on their way , and I needed to call 911 . It 's OK if your first thought isn 't to call 911 . What 's happening is traumatic , and you 're in denial . You 're probably hoping the situation can be anything but what 's actually happening . Your first acceptance that you 're encountering a serious situation is tough , and it 's about to get tougher , but you will be OK . " I 'm sorry to say this , miss , but your husband - I mean your boyfriend is deceased . " When the statement finally comes , and your loved one 's death is confirmed , brace yourself for reactions you don 't expect . I was oddly silent . Maybe you 're hysterical . Nothing about the situation will be what you expect , but just remember to breathe . It might seem hard to believe in this moment , but trust me , you will be OK . Related Stories I walked outside to sit on my stoop , and a young officer followed and told me he 's not supposed to leave me alone . " When my friends show up , can you tell them ? " I asked . It 's OK to ask for help . No matter what , you need to ask for help . It 's time to put humility aside and let people go out of their way for you . You need to heal , and eventually , you will be OK . My friends arrived , and the officer pulled them aside . A gasp and suddenly there were arms around me . You will receive so many hugs in the coming days . A hug is someone physically telling you that you are loved . Don 't you ever forget that : You are loved and you will be OK . My friend kept telling me when to breathe in and out . I 'm pretty sure I would have forgotten if she wasn 't there . Basic things might seem hard for a while . If this happens , don 't be embarrassed . People love you and are sympathetic . If they can remind you how to do something simple and it 's successful , that 's something to celebrate . But maybe later . I know right now it seems like celebrations will never be possible again , but as time goes on , you 'll learn to love more and not get upset over the little things . You will be OK . MIGHTY PARTNER RESOURCES Another friend showed up . I handed her my phone and told her I didn 't want to see it for a few days . She needed to make The Call . I threw up . Staring at the concrete and vomit , I suddenly thought of some of his and my friends . Where were they all in that moment , blissfully unaware ? I envied them . I gave her a few names , knowing others could help spread the word . The Call is not fun , so don 't do it if you don 't want to . Always ask for help when you need it . Keep yourself in a safe place so you will be OK . I realized I still hadn 't cried yet . " What is wrong with me ? " I thought . If you experience this , it 's OK . My therapist would later tell me that is normal during shock . You 're not broken , just hurt . The crying will come tomorrow , and every day for a long time . But crying is healthy , so you will be OK . Over the next several hours and days , people from all over the country were suddenly here . I dreaded the thought that everyone would eventually go home again and leave me all alone . But know you are never alone . You are loved . There is always someone who loves you . I love you . You will be OK . Related Stories I am sad to say I had some scary thoughts in those first two days and am eternally grateful no one left me alone long enough for me to process those thoughts fully . Suicidal thoughts are normal in the aftermath of a suicide , but you must not believe any of it . You are valuable . You are loved . There is help . I know suicide is suddenly more real than it ever has been before , but please believe me , you will be OK . Since his death I have learned a lot . I have healed a lot . I read some books on grief by survivors like us . Coloring books are also oddly therapeutic . Stick to the things you love to do . Focus on you . Ask a friend to help you find a therapist , and if you can , one that specializes in grief . Finding the right therapist can be tricky and may take some trial and error , but when you get there , it is so worth it ! There are support groups for survivors like us . Other survivors and myself are living proof that life after the suicide of a loved one is possible . I will always miss him , but I am OK , just like you will be too . For life after those first 48 hours , I made a blog . If you or someone you know needs help , see our suicide prevention resources . If you need support right now , call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1 - 800 - 273 - 8255 . Continue reading this story . . . 5k5k Leah F . Music has the power to evoke such strong emotion . It can touch upon our deepest sorrows and our greatest joys . It might be intertwined with a cherished memory , bringing us back to the past , no matter where we stand today . Music can be part of our truth , our narrative of life . It can frame the way we see the world around us . When I first lost my father to suicide I felt like an open wound . The words to a song could be a source of comfort or deepen my sense of pain . If the song , " Fix You " by Coldplay came on the radio , it would unleash sadness so profound it was hard to breathe . And the tears come streaming down your face When you lose something you can 't replace When you love someone , but it goes to waste Could it be worse ? Those words spoke to my loss . They were a reflection of the abundance of tears I cried day in and day out . It felt like such a waste to lose my father in this way , to suicide . And I could hardly fathom a pain that would feel worse . It was as if a song written years before my father 's suicide , were somehow written just for me . Related Stories And then came the part of the song that exposed my deepest wound , the profound guilt that I carried . Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you We , his family , were " home " for my father . He was tired . The suffering he felt as he fought a deep depression coupled with severe anxiety had most certainly reached in to his bones . " Bone weary " is the term that comes to mind when I think of how exhausted he must have felt . And oh how we tried to be the light in his darkness . With all that we had to give and with what we knew then , we tried to help him to heal and to find the strength to fight on . We tried to ignite within him that spark of hope that seemed to have gone out . He was caught in a storm , and we stood as a lighthouse , ready to guide him to But it turns out we could not fix him . And because of that , we thought we had failed . Suicide leaves behind an abundance of blame that we took on as a family . As if our grief was not heavy enough , the missed signs caused our knees to buckle . But I know today that we could not " fix " my father . He had an illness that required treatment . He would have needed to find the strength to seek it out . He would have needed to dig down into his already depleted reserves to find the resilience to work toward recovery . We could offer him love , unconditional and without judgment . And we did . We could reassure him that he was cherished just as he was . And we did . We could listen when he talked , hold him when he cried and support him on his journey to My father was not broken as a human being , though I believe he felt that way . And none of us is imbued with the power to fix another person , much as we 'd like to in the face of such suffering . It wasn 't our fault . I know that now . And I can hear that song today without allowing it to bring me back to that place . I cannot revisit that burden of guilt . The lyrics still evoke tears for the father I loved and lost . But it was not for me to fix that sense of brokenness . And I know the love we shared , in the time we had , will never go to waste . If you or someone you know needs help , see our suicide prevention resources . If you need support right now , call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1 - 800 - 273 - 8255 . The Mighty is asking the following : Describe a scene or line from a movie that 's stuck with you through your experience with disability , disease or mental illness . If you 'd like to participate , please send a blog post to [ email protected ] Please include a photo for the piece , a photo of yourself and 1 - 2 sentence bio . Check out our Submit a Story page for more about our submission guidelines . Continue reading this story . . . 1k1k Deborah Greene I 'm sure you 've stumbled across the photograph online , saying that if you 're looking for a reason not to hurt yourself , kill yourself or stay that " this is it . " I 'm not going to post a photo . I 'm going to tell you , one on one , why I need you to stay . I know a lot of you reading this are struggling with mental health problems . We are all at different stages of our war with mental illness ; some of us , however , are losing the battles . And it 's never simply " life is too hard . " It feels as though life is against us . It feels like everything we do is wrong , and slowly we end up thinking maybe the " something wrong " is us . When you 're losing a battle , it can feel like your existence is the problem , and the only way to " fix it " is ending your life . I 'm here to tell you that 's not the answer . I , too , have lost battles before . I 've relapsed and I 've gone into dark places . I 've been admitted into hospitals and I 've attempted suicide , with plans , without plans . I have hurt myself and I have hated myself . I 'm just going to be straight with you : it sucks . You feel alone , and you feel like you 're suffocating . You need a release . I get it . What you 're feeling , although terrible , is not unnatural or weird . It 's OK to feel this way . Related Stories But it 's not OK to act on these feelings . Although it 's best to talk to a therapist , or head to the hospital or even call the suicide lifeline , our society will still frown upon mental illness . It 's covered and dipped in stigma . We need the help for the terrors in our heads , but we 're too afraid to be called crazy or to go on medications . We 're too afraid of what others think . For so long I was too ashamed to get help . It was easier to live in pain and to let myself suffer . After a suicide attempt and fight with a former partner , I ended up being arrested and held on a psychiatric hold . I stayed in the mental hospital for some time . I 'm not proud of what happened , and I 'm not going to sugar coat it , it wasn 't easy . But it was a blessing in disguise , and the greatest thing to happen to me . Because now , I am open about my mental health problems . I know I have a support system and doctors in my corner . I can openly speak to my doctor about medications and treatment options , and I can advocate . And I know now there is no shame in getting treatments for having a mental illness . MIGHTY PARTNER RESOURCES Now , I want you to forget the rest of the world . It 's only you and me : Your health , your stability and your happiness come before anything else . There 's no shame in being " crazy . " We are sick . And sometimes we need extra attention , we need extra care . It is OK . You can seek the extra help . I need you . I need to know you 're OK . I need you to know through all of this , through all of these scary thoughts , there are calmer days ahead . Please breathe . And please call for help . If you need a reason to stay , please let this be your reason . Please don 't hurt yourself . You are beautiful and you are loved . And I will be devastated if you 're gone . Keep fighting , stay strong . It 's OK to lose a battle ; but please keep fighting the war . And please know , I 'm on your side , fighting with you . Follow this journey on Taylor 's site . If you or someone you know needs help , see our suicide prevention resources . If you need support right now , call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1 - 800 - 273 - 8255 . Related Stories The Mighty is asking the following : Write a love letter to another person with your disability , disease or mental illness . If you 'd like to participate , please send a blog post to [ email protected ] Please include a photo for the piece , a photo of yourself and 1 - 2 sentence bio . Check out our Submit a Story page for more about our submission guidelines . Continue reading this story . . . 794794 Taylor Nicole Dear friend . I know you care , and I know you 're concerned . I 'm sure you have no idea what to do around me anymore , and I 'm sure you 're just trying to do the best you can . I know something about your view of me changed when you found out I 'd attempted suicide . I know because everything is different now . The way you look at me , our conversations , everything . I don 't know how you feel . I 'm sure you 're in some sort of emotional pain , and I 'm so sorry I 've caused that for you . But what 's done is done , and all we can do is keep moving forward . I just want to ask you one thing . Listen to me . Just for a moment . The girl you used to know , the one who dances around a store just because she likes the song playing , the girl who 's always smiling and chatting away , the girl who loves socializing and horses and dancing ; the writer , the girl you used to call your friend , is asking you to hear her out . Not the new girl you look at cautiously , overanalyzing everything she says . Related Stories I 'm still here . It 's still me . I still love horses and dancing and writing and talking and laughing . My words carry the same amount of weight they used to carry . My jokes are still real and aren 't some sort of secret cry for help . Maybe I 'm not the girl you thought you knew . Maybe you were one of the many people who saw my smile and took it at face value . Maybe you were one of the people who thought my life was going well and I was happy . Maybe you were one of the people who would guess out of a hundred people that I 'd be the last one to possibly have depression or be suicidal . I know I don 't always show exactly how I feel . I 'm not your friend because I want a person who 's constantly concerned about me . I 'm your friend because I like spending time with you as you and me . Just two humans . Not one normal person and one suicidal person . I 'm still a person . I 'm still me . I 'm still the girl you spent countless hours talking to about anything and everything . MIGHTY PARTNER RESOURCES I want you to know something else . I miss you . I miss my friend . Because you 're not the same person you were before you found out about my suicide attempt . You 're suddenly afraid and analytical . I 'm still me . I 'm still here . I want my friend back . I want the friend who would make a face at me from across the room just because you felt like it . I want the friend who would make jokes freely without overthinking them and laugh genuinely . I want the friend who would play a game with me and really play the game , not let me win out of fear that a loss would make my depression spike . Related Stories Please , just look at me . It 's still me . I 'm still the same girl you always knew . I 'm not a different person than I was before . But you are . So please , bring my friend back . I miss you . With love , Your old friend If you or someone you know needs help , see our suicide prevention resources . If you need support right now , call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1 - 800 - 273 - 8255 . The Mighty is asking the following : What is a part of your or a loved one 's disease , disability or mental illness that no one is aware of ? Why is it time to start talking about it ? If you 'd like to participate , please send a blog post to [ email protected ] Please include a photo for the piece , a photo of yourself and 1 - 2 sentence bio . Check out our Submit a Story page for more about our submission guidelines . Continue reading this story . . . 2k2k Christa Marie
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We are going to be apartment dwellers for at least two more years . I like being a renter in some ways , well , most ways really . I have checked calculators to see at what level owning is smarter than renting and can 't wrap my head around it . With Mr . Brickie being injured and off work for four months on the 18th everything feels unreal . Plans are nothing but dreams and we are living day to day . We did get kittens from the County Shelter , though . Not the greatest financial decision since they cost $ 50 each and then we had to buy litter boxes and litter and food and take them to the vet for an initial checkup . They did already come neutered and with some initial vaccinations so the $ 50 was a great deal , but it was still money . I also dropped the first $ 650 on Middle Sisters Orthokeratology ( OrthoK ) lenses . She has had them for a week and they are AMAZING . They 're hard contacts she wears overnight while she sleeps . They come out in the morning and * poof * perfect vision all day . She will never have to worry about her glasses or contacts while in a pool , while working out , while playing sports , while riding her bike . It 's probably my proudest moment as a parent to be able to give her that . Especially now that she seems to be over - the - moon in love with volleyball . No sport goggles . Hallelujah . I bought them with money I set aside from selling that domain name or I don 't know what I would have done . To be honest , I probably would have put it on a credit card . It 's my kid 's eyes and the lenses also reduce how severe her myopia will get through her life . It 's not convenience , it 's a possible life - changer . She 'll never have to worry - like I do - about retinal detachment . Every night I put her contacts in for her . It 's awful . Tonight she will try to do it herself . I 'm scared , but I know it has to be a hundred times easier to put them in your own eyes than to have your mom 's finger coming at your eye , right ? I have soft contacts and can 't imagine someone else putting them in my eyes . I mean , it 's not physically awful , just uncomfortable for me knowing she 's uncomfortable with me coming at her eye with my big ol ' finger . ( Tuesday update - she puts in her right lens and I put in her left . When she has the right lens mastered I 'll have her work on the left eye . ) The weekly checks get spent like clockwork these days . I still have an excel sheet ( okay , a Google Doc Sheet , whatever ) where I look at the current month and the next month in case something changes or comes up , but I don 't even know if that 's necessary anymore . I could just write where the bills go on an index card and tape it on the wall . Which is pretty much my dream for how easy I want my budget to be every week . One index card . Heck , I could probably fit it all on a post it note . All leftover money goes to a credit card but right now there is no leftover money because he 's making 70 % of his income home injured . ( NOT that I 'm complaining , thank goodness for workman 's comp or we 'd be under a bridge living in a box . You think I 'm exaggerating . I don 't see another outcome . ) I need to fill the Christmas category and Summer 2017 category but I am pretty sure those won 't see a penny until Mr . Brickie goes back to work . I need to replenish the emergency fund because school supplies and cat stuff ( neither one a real emergency ) have me down to $ 493 . September is a five check month regardless of Mr . Brickie being home or at work but I can tell you right now that if he could go back to work during a five - week month that would really go a long way to getting jump - started toward Christmas . To mention Christmas is to summon an angry , magic blue fairy who comes down ( or up ) and curses me immediately . Saturday Mr . Brickie took the car in ( because I was tired of him pooh - poohing the low tire pressure light every time I mentioned it ) and there was a slow leak in one tire ( covered by warranty ) and the other tire had such low treads we needed to replace it … because it was a summer tire . No wonder I hated driving in the snow last winter . There went $ 169 I wasn 't planning on spending … but hooray for good tires for this winter ! A good thing to come out of this is Mr . Brickie promises he 'll never doubt me again when I say something is wrong with the car . I know he meant it in a good way but my brain was like , oh , okay , it only took 13 years to convince you . Nice . ( All the side eye . All of it . All for him in this moment . ) On the super - bright side it 's looking like he might be cleared for work at his next appointment with the orthopedic surgeon September 7th . It 's all up to the doctor , of course , so I 'm trying not to be TOO hopeful but by golly there 's a spark of happiness in my heart . He could be back to work next month . Yes , I was hoping for this month , but again , I trust the orthopedic surgeon and he 's done right by Mr . Brickie since day one . I really respect the guy . In the meantime , Mr . Brickie is going to physical therapy and practicing laying mortar at home so his skills aren 't trashed when he goes back to work . He 's doing everything he can to get back and I 'm so proud of him for working so hard to get well and go back . His work ethic is a beautiful thing . So all the things I thought I had MORE time for this summer ( writing , breathing , etc . ) I actually had less time for with the whole family home all day . I will do my best not to forget that again . Money is tight but not overwhelming . With Mr . Brickie on workers comp we qualify for reduced breakfast / lunch rather than free this year , which I 'm cool with . My job is to provide accurate paperwork . Whatever I qualify for is based on a chart and I 'm thankful for anything , really , because every little bit helps our forward momentum . We had a really unexpected windfall this week . I sold a domain name . The parenting blog I wrote for years before I decided writing about my kids without their consent didn 't feel right ( you do you , no judgement ) . It was sort of , mostly easy to change over to finance blogging and viola , I let the domain name hang out and not go anywhere because there were articles and things with the byline and I didn 't want someone scammy to come along , scoop it up , and pretend my prior work was theirs . $ 215 went to purchasing three cell phones and cases for the kids so we can all play Pokemon Go together ( this is the splurge purchase , in case you couldn 't tell ) I got the BLU R1 on Amazon Prime day so their phones have 16GB of storage and 2GB of RAM and were $ 60 / ea . I think they were an amazing deal . We did not put sim cards in them or put them on a phone plan . When we all go out we tether them to our phones . ( Our $ 44 / mo plans from Net10 have 5GB of data per line so that 's more than enough for the whole family . ) $ 1100 for special contact lenses to help slow Middle Sister 's myopia progression . OrthoK are gas permeable hard contacts that you wear while you sleep and your vision is perfect during the day with no glasses and no contacts . It sounds like magic , doesn 't it ? The leftover ( $ 300ish ) is in the emergency fund account because there is nowhere it needs to go that will give me any more benefit than anywhere else so it will sit until it becomes the * oomph * we need later on . ( Update ) Whoops ! When I first wrote this it was in the emergency fund . Then I spent some money on a giant bottle of Crown Royal for my friend 's birthday , took the kids out to eat at a " better than bargain but not elite eating " restaurant and that brought my extra down more than I even want to admit . Yikes . This is why I spend money BEFORE I get it . If it 's spent in my mind , it 's spent . If it 's hanging out being extra … I 'll spend it . I also bought a really cute shirt . I blew the $ 300 . I 'm not quite ashamed but it definitely wasn 't the plan . Ah well , my spending all included the kids so it 's not like I had fun without them . Heck , if I had gone without them it wouldn 't have been so expensive ! LOL Everything else is still the same as listed above . ( End of Update ) Mr . Brickie saw the doctor this week and is healing nicely . The doctor told him at least another month but his doctor 's note finally changed from no lifting activity at all to " lift to tolerance . " It 's a small but important step that reminds us this isn 't forever and he will be back to work eventually ! Last week I blew through a lot of money . I bought hiking boots for two girls ( for sleep away camp ) and they were on clearance for $ 25 / ea . They are Merrill so hopefully both pairs can be kept and reused when Little Sister grows into them . They seem very well constructed . We also spent $ 50 at Meijer getting odds and ends they would both need for camp . So … I spent twice as much as I needed to right now in order to not have to go shopping at all ( or so it seems right now ) at the end of next month when both older girls go to sleep away camp for the week . Mr . Brickie wanted to go to Shoreline Brewery while we were shopping for kid shoes and that ended up being $ 90 . I kind of died inside a little because we didn 't expect it to be that pricey when we went in . Lesson learned . Last but not least last Monday we paid $ 90 for the two younger girls to attend another two week swimming class while the oldest is at camp . Today was the last day of this two week session and I feel a sense of relief whenever I see them in the water . They used to be petrified of the water and wouldn 't go near it but now they stay safe and close to the edge but have a level of confidence that makes me so happy . While I wish very much Mr . Brickie was back at work already he has been able to have some great experiences with the kids this summer that we will both cherish the rest of our lives . Watching our 6 - year - old jump off a diving board was some majestic unicorn - level stuff since she 's always been SO SCARED OF THE WATER OH NO SOMETHING IS GOING TO KILL ME WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT DOESN ' T HAPPEN IN THE SHOWER HERE IT COMES I ' M GOING TO BE KILLED BY THE GENTLE SPRAY . Now she 's a rock star . I 'm really thrilled she 's come so far because I love the water and last year watching her take two hours to get into the two foot deep kiddie pool at the public pool was painful . This year she 's going at the water like a little duck . I managed to get all my bills separated into the four weeks of paychecks , in order to even things out and have more of a flow during the month . I do wish there was a program where you could put in all your bills and then how much you make a week ( approx . ) and the program would separate your bills for you in the most even way possible . I love to use technology as a way to double - check my work . Thanks to the budget program I know what 's owed on each card and that the money is there to pay it since we don 't spend if it 's not in our budget . If I go over budget I take it from a savings category because NO NEW DEBT is where we are at right now . I 'd rather be at PAY DOWN DEBT but being able to accrue no new debt is pretty much unicorn status considering he 's injured and out of work so you won 't hear a peep from me about what I 'd rather be doing if he were working because he 's not and I live in reality . Most of the time . Also , Sam 's Club is having this thing right now where Costco members can use their cards to shop at Sam 's . We checked it out but the only thing they don 't have that I thought was kind of cool was 50 packs of Cheetos because who doesn 't love Cheetos ? Mr . Brickie reminded me that we don 't send chips as snacks with the kids to school so there was really no reason to have that many bags of mini Cheetos in the house . He also said the mini bags of Frito 's could not come home even if I swore to make walking tacos once a week until they were . He said something about getting everyone sick once a week and blah blah that 's not how you show love to your family yadda yadda . So we left with nothing but might be going back for this set of six stoneware bowls because we are desperate for bowls and Goodwill has not been terribly helpful . It was $ 12 for six HEAVY stoneware bowls with a nice pattern . Regular kitchen bowls , not mixing bowls . So yeah that 's probably going to happen . I like splashes of color in my kitchen and would like to have bowls that are sturdy . I 'll be back with you sooner than next week , I have a list of topics unrelated to specific budget numbers that I 'm going to work on writing in between how we spent it entries . There 's so much happening but most of it is better suited to a parenting blog or a wifing blog . I try to work it in a little so you know what 's happening but I like to keep my eyes on the financial prize . The only part of this post that bothers me is the paragraph in the beginning about spending no money and then the later paragraph written after we went out for a few hours talking about just one bowl set . That 's how it starts . Slipping down the SPEND ALL THE MONEY rabbit hole . I have to find a way to determine what 's a want and what 's a need and if something is a need is it okay to get … . but in an objective way . There are so many things swirling in my head right now it 's difficult to keep any one train of thought pinned down enough to progress . The issue with my dental work and messed up bite , should we buy or rent , blah blah blah it 's all too much . I want to enjoy my kids and their activities and get through having Mr . Brickie home for a few more weeks and please can someone get him back to work ? I need to get my mind right and that 's going to require more of a break than the couple hours here and there I get while he 's at the park or at an activity . June 24 , 2016 10 : 44 pm , jennydecki Happy Friday ! Yesterday I was dealing with some tooth pain and the crying that comes with trying to figure out if your mouth is going to heal more or if room temperature grapes being painful to eat is your new reality forever . I cancelled my follow - up appointment . If I need more work I 'm going somewhere else . I can 't deal with a medical professional that doesn 't listen to legitimate concerns except to answer with boilerplate answers parroted by her receptionist . I feel better today . A little , anyway . I wish there was some way to know if the dentist you are going to is poor quality or if what they did is normal . Either way I 'm getting a second opinion on my mouth because this is beyond sensitivity . This is affecting my life pretty significantly . I need to break down fun money because it 's not what it sounds like . It should be Spending Money . Groceries are $ 150 , Gas gets $ 20 , and $ 200 goes into that Fun Money category . Yesterday I went to Target for athletic shorts for Big Sister ( going to camp next week and owns ONE pair of shorts ) a pair for Little Sister , a birthday present for a party Little Sister is going to this weekend , a mesh bag for Middle Sister to take to camp in a couple weeks , and some nail polish . Oh , also a wallet for Big Sister to keep her picture ID and new debit card in . I need to post about that debit card . It 's been in the house less than a week , I want to test drive it with her before writing about it . We spent about $ 100 . Since I finally just put $ 200 in spending money I will pay that as soon as it pops in the Target credit card system and I 'll make the payment . I put it in the budget immediately ( like you do ) so that money is already earmarked to be a payment . It 's a category that doesn 't build . If there is $ 20 or $ 5 left at the end of the week , I 'll only top off the category to $ 200 . This way I don 't keep stealing from the $ 100 buffer category that 's supposed to sit there and make sure I don 't ever overdraft because of a silly mistake . I keep pulling from there when we go over on something else and that 's not a smart way to do things . Next week every penny that isn 't going to living expenses is going right back to the Rent Savings because I stole from that category to pay off the Macy 's card . It 's nice not having that card hanging around anymore . Even after giving it all the " extra check " next week , I 'll still owe a little under $ 160 to that account . I 'll figure out how to get that in there next month . If we 're being totally honest , I won 't figure out how to get that in there next month . The budget will do that for me . ( You Need A Budget ) I honestly don 't know what I would do without my budget program . It took a couple months for me to really " get " how entering transactions moved money from the categories to the section for credit card payments but now it 's just another thing I check when the funds clear in the account . Bills to pay ? Check the excel spreadsheet . Credit Cards to pay ? Check that section in the budget . If I underpay the Rent Savings it will recalculate how much I need to save monthly to have $ 2250 in the account by November . ( I don 't work with YNAB or get a kickback or commission if you end up using the program . ) I also don 't recommend spending money on a budgeting program if you can 't pay your bills . Stick with Excel if it 's on your computer already or the library computer or go with Google Drive Sheets which is still where I keep my stuff so I can get to it easily on my Android smartphone . I 'm in a free trial of the new online based version until … I don 't know when … but when it expires I fully intend to pay for this program because it 's taken a lot of the load off when it comes to day - to - day tracking of money we spend . One of the most difficult things is the overwhelming feeling of failure we both struggle with right now . We aren 't making headway like we planned and even though there is a very legit reason it still feels like we are moving at a snail 's pace . We try to remember we are doing really well considering my husband is home with a healing broken wrist . I mean , thank all that is good and holy there are things in place - like workman 's compensation - that protect workers or that accident would have cost us so much more . He 's working so hard in physical therapy and doing his best not to take vicodin anymore because it makes him mean and sick to his stomach . He also thinks that at this point if he doesn 't feel pain he might overexert himself now that he 's no longer in the wrist brace / cast . I think he 's right . He does take one before he leaves for physical therapy but I think that 's just smart . Poor thing gets electrodes zapped into his muscles and ultrasound therapy and comes home wrecked . He 'll be in a lot of pain tomorrow . First I would like to point out something I think is super positive . Our lifestyle / bills and income have done some criss - cross in the graph of personal finance where the last check of the month only goes toward a savings account ( so we can pay insurance in full and avoid extra charges for making payments ) and that 's it . We are aaaaaaaalmost able to live on three checks out of the month . In my fantasy life , I pay all the bills with one check because it 's okay to have dreams . In reality , if I could pay the bills with two checks I 'd be over - the - moon excited . Hell , I 'm excited now . Celebrate the small things because they add up to the big things . I tapped into the emergency fund last week for the girls to have tennis lessons and volleyball lessons over the summer . It was $ 490 . 40 and it hurt to take that out of the emergency fund . I feel really lucky we are in a position where even though my husband is injured we can pay for summer activities . Last summer the only thing we could afford was the $ 88 for one kid to go to a week of camp . It helps mightily not having a $ 500 car payment anymore ( I know that was so dumb , I 'm so happy it 's behind us . ) There is still an outlay of $ 270 coming up for swimming lessons , too , which is why I 'm replenishing the emergency fund instead of paying down debt . I 'm pretty sure it 's not financially smart to choose kid 's activities over paying off debt . I 'm sorry . I don 't even know if I 'm apologizing to you , to me , or to the universe but I feel like an apology is somehow in order . An apology for not being committed enough , for not being " nose to the grindstone " enough . For feeling like it 's not the smart decision but still going ahead and doing it because it 's what I want for the kids . I also had to spend $ 90 . 82 to refill the buffer we keep in the checking account to bring it back up to $ 100 . I took out $ 10 for one field trip , $ 10 for another field trip , $ 20 for the 5th grader to take with her on the field trip so she can play games , eat awful snack bar food , and ride go karts . There were also two birthday parties so the gifts for those added up to another $ 50 . ( We normally don 't spend that much on presents . One was a Nerf gun party so we had to buy a Nerf gun for our daughter to take with as well . Well , we didn 't HAVE to , we chose to because we WANTED to let her participate fully in the party . ) See , again , selfish in the moment but not really best for the long - term . Finances were so cut - and - dry when there wasn 't enough . Decisions were easier because there were way less options . Now everything feels like a big ol ' grey area . I 'm not good with gray areas because I don 't have a lot of practice dealing with them . My " perfect budget " for June has the emergency fund filled and the Macy 's card $ 100 away from being paid off . I am going to do my best to stick to the damn script and follow the budget ! I would love to know the first week of July I could really , finally get rid of the Macy 's card balance . I didn 't expect it to take so long to pay off ( do we ever ? ) but I can 't say I 've regretted the new bed once . I 'll still be paying it off way before the 12 - month no - interest financing ends ( November ) so at least I 'll pay it off fast enough I won 't be punished with interest charges . I figure if I have trouble sleeping at night because I wasted money , at least I 'll feel like I did right by the kids and wasted money . Or something . That rings kind of hollow . Really , I swore to myself I wouldn 't expand my lifestyle to match his income in order to be in a good position later in life . I don 't know , though , because his worker 's comp is 66 % of his actual pay and I should still have some left to pay down debt so we are technically still living below our means . How much lower below your means are you supposed to live to be doing it right ? Here are the raw numbers in the accounts . The Citi Diamond card is the dentist bill . I have it set up on a $ 140 / mo . payment plan to pay off before the 21 - month interest free offer expires . I 'm sure between paying down debt and tax returns it will be paid off before then but I 'm a very " hope for the best , plan for the worst " kind of person so even if I can 't pay it off in bulk , at least I won 't pay interest ! I went to see a long - time family friend graduate college and Mr . Brickie forgot to check the mail . That means his check didn 't get deposited until after 8pm on Thursday so it wasn 't available until today . Monday . Sometimes I wonder if he isn 't trying to kill me . Thank goodness I had the emergency fund back up to $ 1000 or it wouldn 't have been nearly as easy . Also , there is a part of me that thinks with such an easy fix maybe I shouldn 't be frustrated at my ( BROKEN ) husband . Then I think no , because if I was fine with that mistake I 'm sure he 'd find a way to double down and make more interesting mistakes . I paid the car payment ( $ 285 . 93 ) and the first installment of my 21 - month dental bill ( $ 125 ) . The rest went to fill the buffer ( aka overspending fund ) from last week and grocery money and some of it was wasted gloriously when we took the whole family to local amateur wrestling . At $ 10 a head , local wrestling is expensive to take a family of five to go see . It is , however , worth every penny in entertainment value and we all needed a night out where we could hoot and holler with reckless abandon . So here is where we stand on all the accounts . The Citi Diamond Preferred is nothing but dental work , which will have one more charge added tomorrow when I have my final appointment for the right hand side of my face . The reason the Discover The Mr . has his next follow up appointment this Wednesday and I 'll let you know how it goes . I 'm hoping they take the stitches from surgery out because he 's being all crabby due to itching and general discomfort of the stitches , which usually means it 's time for them to come out . I am not a medical expert so whatever I say about anything remotely medical , disregard it outright . Thank you . Ugh . After going to the dentist on Tuesday , the final bill came out to a bajillion dollars and my new 20 - month payment to pay it off before the interest - free thing expires is $ 140 . After $ 2500 in insurance coverage . My mouth was a mess . ( On the bright side , from everything I 've read online and asked my friends offline I got a good price for all I had done ! ) Now I just get quarterly cleanings so this was a one - off expense . We spent this week 's check on bills . Except for the buffer refill which was money we spent the week before on going out as a family to a wrestling event . As you can see with the haircut line item , I 'm trying to predict expenses better so I don 't have to keep refilling the buffer . ( If I haven 't mentioned it lately the $ 100 buffer is money that sits in the checking account making sure we don 't overdraft . It was a Mr . Brickie request . ) I am running out of ways to make bills interesting because they 're totally not . They 're a slow , steady drip of water from a midnight faucet in the back of the brain that never stops . I mean , we do the same thing every week . Pay bills , pay down debt . I did charge $ 555 to a credit card so now I have a new bill . $ 125 / month toward the Citi card to get it paid off in 20 months . I wish I had the money in the savings account to not put it on a credit card , but I needed to get the work done before we got into root canal territory so I charged it . I was so confused until I thought to myself , " What would I do if it were one of my children or my husband who needed this work done ? " If it were one of them I would not hesitate to say , " I don 't care if we 're charging it - it 's your MOUTH . " So I 'm trying to do unto myself what I would do for anyone else in my family . The charge on the amazon visa is a book I pre - ordered . The money is in the category to pay it off but it hasn 't actually charged to the card yet because the book isn 't being released until May . As soon as it hits the card , I 'll pay that off . I also screwed up the Insurance Savings account and missed a month . I put aside $ 120 / mo . and after six months it 's enough to cover the full policy premium payment and renter 's insurance annually . It used to be less but we bought a car last month and while I did calculate how much to save to cover six months , I did not take into consideration the policy would go up $ 240 for this upcoming six - month period . The insurance savings account only had $ 252 in it and the payment of $ 611 is going to autocharge on the discover card 5 / 18 so I needed to come up with a fix . I took that $ 252 , paid it to Discover and I will make another $ 420 in payments over the next two weeks . ( Next Thursday is a $ 240 payment , the week after $ 120 . ) That will mean I 've paid down the card enough that when the charge goes through it will be a net - zero balance . It stinks because the money next week was originally budgeted to pay down the Macy 's card , but insurance is always a priority . I will have to be content with a $ 15 extra payment to Macy 's next week and I 'm trying to feel good because it 's a number bigger than zero . Every little bit helps , right ? It feels like I 'm just about to make progress every week and then something trips me up . I know that Mr . Brickie getting a raise in June will make a difference and his promotion in July will make a massive , giant , huge difference . By the end of July he should be making over $ 5 more an hour than he does right now and that 's all going to go toward credit card debt . I feel like everything is always on the wire still but we haven 't increased our casual spending at all . We eat out less now than when we had less money and no budget . I put aside $ 40 a week so we eat out nice once or crappy twice . If I were really committed , I would have a $ 0 eating out budget . I know . I get tired , I forget to thaw a thing , I have a million excuses for why I can 't commit at that level . Bottom line is I don 't want to commit at that level . I 'm okay with that because $ 40 a week isn 't the problem . The fact that I can realize I 'm $ 240 short for next month 's insurance bill and can just reallocate money that was going to go to paying down debt and make a decision to put it on the insurance instead ? That 's a huge win . I wasn 't filled with panic and dread , I was mildly annoyed . If this were last year a mistake that big would mean not being able to pay the insurance all at once . It would be a lot of me crying and hating myself for being such a giant failure . It 's funny , the absence of self - abuse doesn 't really feel like a win because I never really notice I 've stopped being such a total asshole to myself all the time . " Stupid . Not good enough . Loser . " the chant isn 't there anymore and what 's left isn 't a cheerleader telling me I 'm awesome , it 's just silence . Fear , for me , is a loud , mean thing . Confusion is downright cruel in terms of self - talk . In the meantime I 'm not going to be angry at myself for buying my daughter a cookbook at the book fair yesterday because she wanted it and I want to start teaching her how to cook . Staying balanced without going overboard in either direction ( being too loose or tight with finances ) is not healthy . We went ' " scorched earth " when we had to and now we are very careful but eat out once a week and go to book fairs once a year . It 's not a crazy amount of money or change but it 's a little more than what it was . I want just a few of the trappings that I consider part of the " normal life " I have dreamed of since forever . Nothing too fancy , just an occasional new color of nail polish or night out with my family to the local Elks club to watch wrestling instead of constantly dealing with the grind of barely surviving . It 's one thing to grind when you have to , I lived there for years and we all do what we have to do and I 'm proud of myself for getting through it . Living that kind of grind by choice ? That 's some monk - level hair shirt action I want no part of . We used to go to this amazing dentist with a circus atmosphere ( yes , even balloon animals ) but once we moved it took an hour to get there one way . Too much travel for three little kids . We found a local dentist through a referral who is also a unicorn ( small hands with long , thin fingers ) and we couldn 't be happier with the office . X - rays , sealants , fluoride , and cleanings for all the kids ( plus x - rays for me ) - even with insurance - cost us $ 198 today . Well worth it , sure , but still painful . My mouth is going to be a years long process because of the deductible + coverage limit per year . I 'm fine with that but pretty soon we 're going to have to take Mr . Brickie and his trench mouth in there and then all bets are off and we might look into getting care credit because once you go in there you need to just get it done because his teeth have this tendency to dissolve when things are put on them . But he 's the one from the middle class family . He got braces and everything . Seriously , don 't judge people by their teeth . You can only control that stuff so much . Maybe I 'll get veneers so I can have a perfect smile . I could do it . Be amazing in all my pictures from now on . Sounds right up my alley , doesn 't it ? ( If you ever want to see how * not * into selfies I am you can check me out on instagram . Surprise , my username is jennydecki . ) Sadly , veneers aren 't even an option for Mr . Brickie . Ah well , I always tell him , " If they don 't hurt you 're doing better than you could be . " We do need to get him in that dentist 's office , though , and I know he 's scared even though he would refuse to the moon and back that he even cares . I truly hope it does not surprise you to know I 'm deeply ashamed I held those beliefs . I 've talked to enough people living enough lives from top to bottom to know how wrong I was . I do , however , understand the thought process that leads someone to hold on to those beliefs . I 'm not a " my way or the highway " woman when it comes to personal beliefs because there is value in understanding . I 'm not sure exactly what the value is , sometimes , but maybe someday I 'll understand why I crave to know others and how they got where they are and why they believe the way they do . This week was the " extra " check . I set aside $ 350 for groceries , gas , tolls , and one night of take out food . With the one day of no work last week his check was $ 758 . 19 Walmart is work jeans for Mr . Brickie ( 4 pairs ) because he doesn 't have a pair without holes in them and I was like , " What the what ? ? No . You do not wait until the last minute to tell me you need work clothing . That is a priority ! ! " I put it on the credit card so when it shows up on the card ( it takes a few days ) I can pay it off immediately . Plus the hygienist told me I was awesome and my family was awesome which is always a great thing to hear first thing in the morning . It 's kept me smiling since she said it . A great bonus in addition to good dental care , for sure ! It 's a lot but we 'll get there . Tomorrow I 'm going to pull down the Chase Freedom $ 187 . 28 cash back into my checking account . ( $ 150 for spending $ 500 in three months , $ 25 for adding an additional user , 5 % cash back on gas . ) We used this as our gas card until today because of the 5 % back and we put this month 's bills that could be paid on a credit card on this card to hit that $ 500 limit . Tomorrow the Chase Freedom card will be back in the safe until the next time the 5 % bonus category is one we want to participate in because it 's something we would have spent on anyway . February 4 , 2016 7 : 01 am , jennydecki I 've had this list made for a few days but this is the beautiful morning that my bank balance showed almost five figures . I 'm not gonna lie , I 'm giddy . Here 's how we spent it : Emergency Fund : $ 625 ( to get it back near $ 1000 ) Have you ever seen $ 9221 spent so fast ? Yeah , me neither . I guess I could have spent it on clothes , jewelry , and video games but where 's the fun in that ? We owe the state of Indiana $ 101 so I 'll pay that off with the next side job payment . There were so many other things I could have spent it on but paying the rent in a chunk is the most stress - reducing decision I 've ever made . Getting rid of that car payment will free up $ 500 a month to go toward debt and rent savings ( for the other three months of rent I pay in November ! ) In case you were wondering Chase QuickPay ™ will only let you send payments of up to $ 2 , 000 . I just tried to use it to pay my rent and Chase was all , " No , thank you . " I guess it makes sense but I was hoping to get this money out of my account ASAP . Looking at such a big number makes me fidgety . Not because I 'm going to spend it and really , now that I 'm using the budget program ( I use YNAB ) I only really look at the bank account to reconcile so it 's not a big deal . I still want that check cashed , though . Happy Taxmas . I hope your tax season is wonderful and that you don 't owe . If you do owe , I hope it 's because you made enough money you can afford your rent or mortgage on a monthly basis ! I try not to get jealous when I see people getting big refunds and spending them on cool stuff . I want cool stuff just like anyone else … I don 't fault people for choosing cool stuff over boring bill paying , either . It 's not easy to always stay on the straight and narrow budgeting path . In fact , it 's really difficult and I have mad respect for people who even try to budget and keep their finances under control . Have a great rest of the week ! Posted in : Budget & Finance , Tagged : budget , how we spent it , spending , taxes , taxmas A Reliable Indicator of Financial Stability and How We Spent It 8 / 21 / 2015 Then , Friday afternoon , Middle Sister 's glasses fall off her face , broken . They just gave up on life . So I had to run out and order a new pair for her and that was another $ 83 . Medical has been out - friggin - rageous this month . Set aside are also $ 20 for Mr . Brickie 's Union Dues and the $ 184 for the NIPSCO bill . I love having gas & electric on one bill . So much easier . Mr . Brickie 's birthday present ( a beer tasting and babysitting money so we can both go ) was $ 150 . His birthday isn 't until September 20th but I 'm trying to be prepared in advance . You know , keep the budget right and not do last minute spending . I also put $ 100 back into the emergency fund . I drained it before and am trying to build it back up . It 's only at a little over $ 200 now but that 's better than the little over $ 100 it was last month . It feels good to have the budget under control to the point where a bad thing happens and I can fix it . When Middle Sister 's glasses broke last year it took us two months to replace them . It felt awful . Terrible , terrible awful . For those of you who supported us when we had a fundraiser last year to move ? I paid it forward a little this week . I sent in a box of fruit snacks and a box of Goldfish crackers ( Costco sized boxes ) in to the kindergarten and told the teacher that people helped us when we didn 't have a way to give our kids school snacks and I wanted her to have the snacks for kids in the class that didn 't bring one . She was really happy .
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We booked our summer vacation about a week ago . I 'm sort of insanely excited . We 'd been discussing all sorts of different ideas for where to go this year , but we realized it was really important to go diving since we 're totally Scuba certified . So we decided to book a cruise to the Caribbean . How cool is that ? We figured the Caribbean has such things as the second biggest reef in the world . That should work for utilizing our scuba certification . Ever since we booked it , each night when we lay down for bed , the last thing I say to Robyn is , " Remember how we 're going on a cruise this summer ? " Robyn is probably excited to go so that I will stop talking about the fact that we 're going to go . But I 'm excited for about a million other reasons . I 've taken the liberty of travelling to the future and photographing some of the awesome things I 'm excited about . At this current moment , the only place I 've ever been diving is at the Crater in Midway where I was certified . I hope to dive a few lakes in Utah before this summer , just to practice , but then I get to dive in the real ocean ! We 're thinking we 'll probably go diving in Roatan , Honduras . I hear that 's an excellent place . This is on my bucket list , so I 'm super excited to do it . I 'll probably do this in Belize , but maybe in Mexico . Maybe even both ! You probably couldn 't tell that my head was sticking out of that little doorway at the top . For your convenience , I have magnified it for you . This is the map of the states I have visited in the U . S . You 'll notice that Texas is white , meaning I haven 't been there . The cruise leaves out of Galveston , Texas . We 'll fly into Houston and have one night to explore a little bit . Texas will turn green on the map ! We 'll have three days at sea , which is plenty of time to catch up on some good books . And , according to this future picture , the bed on the ship will look exactly like my bed at home . Crazy , huh ? We 're going on the cruise with Robyn 's parents . We 've gone on trips to their house and stayed with them , and they 've traveled to stay with us , but we 've never actually been on a trip together . I 'm super excited for that . And it won 't hurt that there will be crystal clear water , and beautiful beaches . The adult in me ( he 's in there somewhere ) loves that the movie mocks the idea of love at first sight . I love that it shows that there is more than one kind of love . I love that it shows that it 's the sacrifice that you perform that has the power to alter your heart . The kid in me ( he 's much more dominant ) loves every second that Olaf is on the screen . I love that he has no skull , or bones . I love that he naively dreams of summer . I love that the best part of the movie is actually in the credits , when it admits that not all men eat their own boogers . It 's fabulous . But do you know the best part of the movie ? The best part is that it 's real . You probably thought it wasn 't real , just because the adaptation of the true story that you saw was animated . Kind of like how you think that Star Wars isn 't real just because you 've seen the actors that depicted the true story in other films . ( Duh , it happened a long time ago in a galaxy far , far , away . Clearly George Lucas just uncovered the ancient historical documents and adapted them to the screen . It 's not like the same guy could have written Star Wars after writing THX1138 . Seriously . ) Also , it 's a true story . But , if you don 't believe me I will now present undeniable evidence . But give me a second to explain how we came upon this evidence . Last week , Robyn and I did a little hike in Provo Canyon . I love to see Bridal Veil Falls in the winter . They always close the park in the winter , but that just makes it more exciting , since the paved path is covered with several inches of ice . Okay , so I showed you some pictures of a hike I took . But where 's the evidence I promised ? Well , there 's one more thing I saw on this hike that is proof that Frozen is real . Checkmate . Just try and explain how Elsa was there , and so was lots of ice ! You can 't can you ? I know it 's not really that great of a picture . I was kind of star struck , so I was doing the paparazzi thing . I had to sneak the picture and get out of there . Remember , this is a chick that froze her own sister 's heart . ( Admittedly , on accident , but I didn 't want to mess with her . ) After this experience , the only logical conclusion is that we have winter every year because Elsa deems it so . If that wasn 't the case , how else could you explain that it was cold where Elsa was , but not on the beach in Hawaii ? I bet you 've never thought about that one . It started out relatively normal . I was in some sort of a theater prepared to watch a live performance . As the performers came out on stage , I noticed the majority of them were women , but standing right in the center were two men . To make it particularly strange , both of the men were guys I had known in high school but I hadn 't seen either of them for at least 15 years . ( These were specific guys that I know , but I won 't say their names due to the awkwardness of admitting that they randomly appeared in my dream . ) All the people started dancing . Some were leaping , some were twirling , but the two men in the center stood immobile . I remember thinking in the dream that it was really awkward that they weren 't moving at all . As if in response to my thoughts ( because you can do that in dreams since my brain is writing the script anyway ) they said in unison , " We represent awkwardness . " As if to illustrate the awkwardness they represented , they each lifted their outer arm into the air . They each brought the one arm high above their head and arched it until they touched the other person 's hand . The two arms came together to form a heart shape . It was very precious , and very awkward . But then things got really weird . ( I know , you thought it was already plenty strange . ) Suddenly , I was no longer viewing the dance from the audience , I was part of it . I don 't remember getting out of my seat and walking to the stage . All I remember is that my view was suddenly much closer . Then I realized my hands were in the air and I was nodding my head like " Yeah " and moving my hips like " Yeah . " Since the whole dance was awkward , our big finish was as well . We all got in a huddle , and we put our heads as close to the center as possible . We pushed our heads in so far that our faces were squeezed between other faces . It was true magic how our faces were squeezed but our shoulders weren 't . I don 't remember any part of my body even touching another person , but my face was smashed between dozens of faces . Recently I discovered a show on the Science Channel . I don 't know when it originally aired , but I was able to DVR an entire season in 1 day , and I 've been enjoying it on the treadmill for the past few weeks . It 's called Prophets of Science Fiction , and it goes over various works of Science Fiction literature , and what predictions were made that eventually came true . This show is awesome for 2 reasons . The first is that I get to relive a large portion of my adolescence . My teenage years were the years that I was introduced to Isaac Asimov , H . G . Wells , Robert A . Heinlein and Arthur C . Clarke . This is a picture I took of the Isaac Asimov plaque in the Science Fiction Hall of Fame in Seattle . When I was a teenager and could only grow 4 hairs in my sideburns , I grew those hairs like 4 inches long so I could be like Asimov . Luckily , before I had too many hairs , I realized that Isaac Asimov was not a trend setter when it came to style . The second reason for the awesomeness of this show is that it made me realize that we live in the future . We may not have robots that follow the three laws of robotics , but this show made me realize how much of science fiction 's predictions have come true . We have orbiting satellites ( predicted by Arthur C . Clarke ) , we have prosthetic limbs ( predicted by Isaac Asimov ) , and even the stories about colonizing space are coming true . As I thought about this , I started thinking about the things that weren 't predicted , at least not exactly the way they were implemented . One particular thing that comes to mind is the iPhone . A few months ago , I was with my brother in Brigham City , Utah . We stopped at a Burger King and my brother bought me something to eat . I wanted to remind myself to pay him back , so I pulled out my phone and said , " Remind me when I get home that I owe Zack 2 dollars . " It hadn 't occurred to me that this would be a spectacle that others would be excited to view . I told her that I chat with Siri all the time . She looked at me like I was some sort of sorcerer . It didn 't even occur to her that the sorcery extended beyond a device that talks . It 's a device that knows where I live , and can tell when I arrive at my home . I 'm a tech geek . This realization has caused me to geek out to no end . To think that we can track blood sugar by putting something in our eyes , or have a pizza delivered by a robotic drone is mind blowing . Throughout the annals of history , there has been one constant . There has been one food that has withstood the test of time , permeating all cultures and all people . That food is pizza . ( I don 't want to hear any garbage about how there are plenty of cultures that don 't eat pizza . They would if they knew how delicious it is , so just go ahead and try to dispute that impeccable logic . ) If pizza is amazing ( and it is ) , and homemade food is amazing ( and it is ) what if the two came together ? Could there be any greater joy ? I say unto you , nay . So there you have it . I have proven my case . Homemade pizza is truly awesome , and I 'm a truly terrible photographer . Your argument is invalid . Please note that this is a free event and there will be no charge for you to attend . However in the spirit of our illustrious government you will have to pay for your travel to and from the White House , a $ 500 fee for entrance to the event and your meal per plate , and an extra $ 3000 fee is you want to be in the room when I , the best president ever , arrive . Photos and handshakes are extra . Okay , I have a secret to tell you . I 'm pretty sure that was not actually an email from Barack Obama . One clue is that the sender was from srs . kundenserver . de and one google search shows that that particular domain is spam central , but more importantly , I know our President is really into himself , but I think he 's able to mask it just a little better than this writer . Also , he may not know how to pronounce the word " corps " but he can structure his sentences well enough to not say something like , " Outstanding Citizen 2014 of the United States of America " or to write an email as if he , an individual , were some sort of collective . ( Is this email from the Borg ? ) The question I have for you is , why did I receive the weirdest spam ever ? They 're not asking for me to send any information . I don 't understand the scam that they 're trying to put together . Do they think I 'll reply and then send them all the money they talked about ? Well , whatever the scam is , I won 't be replying to that email . However , I would like to publicly accept the nomination . I hope you 'll vote for me . ( If this is something people vote for . ) That may sound harsh , but it 's the truth . I can count on getting sick once a year , and it 's always in September , right after the beginning of school . Robyn meets her new class , and they always introduce her to brand new diseases . Robyn has some sort of heroic immune system that allows her to not actually get sick , while still keeping the diseases strong enough to come home and infest me . The symptoms started out pretty basic . First , I just got really cold . I really don 't get cold very often , but this sickness came with some serious chills . At first I thought that part of it was kind of fun . I got to put on warm , snuggly jammies . I 've always been jealous of the idea of jammies , because being all snuggly sounds fabulous . But , in actual practice , jammies make me much too hot and smuffed . Robyn also really enjoyed this phase because it meant I cranked up the heat . Basically , when I get sick my body functions just like Robyn 's does normally . ( At least when it comes to its ability to stay warm . ) But then the less fun parts came . The swollen sinuses , the cough that never ends and feels like it 's tearing apart my insides , the achey muscles , the fever that feels like it 's frying my brain and my eyeballs . Basically , it 's not awesome . Yesterday , Robyn even convinced me to stay home from work . I don 't usually stay home when I 'm sick . I figure my job consists of sitting at a computer , it doesn 't require that much physical exertion . But this one really had me wiped out . And I think the extra rest really helped me recover faster . Then it snowed . I figured I 'd had a full day of rest . I could totally handle shoveling the sidewalk . Normally , it 's a task that takes me 20 minutes tops . But I got out there and was able to take about 2 scoops before needing to rest . Plus , my cough was getting worse being out in the cold . But Robyn got home from work while I was out there giving it my best shot . She sent me inside and said she would do it . That is true love . Well , now comes the part where we receive proof that she didn 't give this disease to me . This morning she was complaining of not feeling well , and now she can 't even get out of bed . That means not only did she not infect me in the first place , but I infected her . Now I 'm the one who should be punished . Remember how it made me super cold , even though I never get cold ? Remember how Robyn is always cold ? What do you think this disease that gives major chills does to someone who is always cold ? I 'm awkward and old . That 's nothing new to you . But , I 'll get to that in a minute . First , a story . A long time ago in a galaxy far , far away . Wait , strike that . It was in this galaxy , in the state of Wyoming . But it was a long time ago , just under 13 years ago , in early 2001 . ( Sorry , I had to do the galaxy far away thing . Star Wars is playing on the TV right now . ) I was serving as a missionary for my church . We were visiting a young family . We were having some sort of gospel discussion . I don 't really remember the details of the discussion . What I do remember is that this gospel discussion had way more nudity than most discussions on my mission . As we were talking , the wife inexplicably lifted up her shirt and took off her bra . I was really confused by this behavior . You always hear stories from others about the strange things missionaries experience in other cultures . But these stories usually come from people who went to places like Africa or South America . I was in Wyoming . As in , a state that borders my home state . Nevertheless , there she was , removing her bra . She was still wearing a shirt . But since she had lifted the shirt above the bra area , the only function that shirt was serving was to cover her shoulders . I don 't think that shoulders are the primary body part that shirts are supposed to cover , particularly for women . This exchange continued for several seconds in much the same manner . My companion was not able to help me better understand the situation , at least not through eye language . I 'm sure the husband caught the whole eye conversation because our eyes were definitely not whispering . The wife , however , clearly did not catch any of it . She was too busy removing her clothing . So , that 's my story . But why do I share it now , nearly 13 years later ? And what does it have to do with me being old and awkward ? Well , today we met our new Sunday School class . They 're a bunch of cute kids . But when I met them today , I was pondering how old they are . They are all 12 turning 13 this year . That means they were all born in 2001 . When I thought about that , I came to a terrible realization . These kids are all the same age as the baby that was breast feeding in my story . In fact , many of them are younger than that baby . And that 's when I felt old . The baby in that story has remained a baby in my memory for nearly 13 years . But then these preteens were sitting in front me and I was made very aware of the passage of time . Then I was pondering my oldness , and this story couldn 't leave my mind . And then I felt really awkward , thinking about this story while I was in front of all our little precious 12 year olds . This joke never gets old . It 's the best post of 2014 because it 's the only post of 2014 so far . You get it ? It 's funny because it 's not that good of a post . Hilarious . amirite ? It 's become a tradition on my blog for the first post in a new year to chronicle a few of the highlights of the previous year . 2013 was a pretty fabulous year . Here are a few reasons why . 2 . Saw a moose in the wild . At least as wild as Park City , Utah is . But the moose was wild , so it totally counts . 3 . Voted for the Hugo award The Hugo award is essentially the reader 's choice award in science fiction and fantasy . It 's been a goal of mine for a long time to read every work that was nominated , and cast my vote . 4 . Saw a whale in the wild How wild Park City is ( above ) is debatable , but this was in the ocean in Alaska . It 's legit . 6 . Went ghost hunting 7 . Lost 65 pounds At least that was the count before Thanksgiving . After Thanksgiving and Christmas it was more like 60 pounds , but I did lose 65 pounds at one point in 2013 . I also gained about 5 . The good news is that the end of holiday treats has come and I 'm back on the wagon . 8 . Walked 519 . 5 miles That 's just the walking that I tracked during my exercise . That doesn 't count just walking around the house . 13 . Was diagnosed diabetic , and successfully reduced my blood sugar to non diabetic levels . For those of you who understand these numbers , I was diagnosed diabetic in January with an A1C of 10 . 7 . My last test was in August with an A1C of 5 . 7 . 14 . Got approved for adoption We 've been trying to adopt for a while , but this year we completed our home study and got through the approval process . Help us spread the word to find birth parents who are looking to place . 15 . Travelled to 2 new states I had never been to Alaska or North Carolina before this year . Alaska was way more awesome , but North Carolina was on a business trip so it may not be a fair comparison . 16 . Celebrated 5 years of marriage It 's hard to believe I 've been with the love of my life for 5 years . In some ways it seems like it 's been longer than that , because I can hardly remember what life was like without her . In some ways it seems like it 's been shorter than that because it 's gone by so quickly . As you can see , 2013 was a good year . The biggest changes were probably in my health , but there were plenty of other fun things as well . In 2014 I hope to continue to improve my health . I also hope to utilitize my Scuba certification a few times . I plan to read lots of books , travel some more , spend time with great people and have lots and lots of fun .
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Edward manoeuvred the Crossley into the small garage off Wallgrave Road . It had originally been designed for small carriages so the large tourer was a snug fit . It helped that the top was down ; he found it so much more difficult when he had to squint out of the small rear window and had , on a number of occasion , hit the back wall as marks on the bumper showed . It had been a glorious drive home , the warm August sun beat down on him and there was promise of more to come over the following days . As he shut the doors of the small mews garage he breathed a deep sigh . Whilst his work was not especially difficult - - he did work for his uncle 's bank - - it was good to able to return home to his own house . The house was not in the most fashionable area of London but it served its purpose well . As the underground railway expanded so London was spreading out . His parents may own a large town house in Belgravia but he was more than happy with this property . Earls Court was a developing neighbourhood - - he had heard that there were plans to develop the old showground nearby . He had bought the house as soon as he and Alice had been married . She had not been able to bring much in terms of breeding to the marriage - - a fact of which his father reminded him on regular occasions - - but he loved her . Well , he thought he did . As he opened the front door , he felt a twinge of guilt over what their marriage had become after only 8 months . Stepping into the hallway he was greeted by Mrs . Peters . They didn 't keep many servants . In fact , Mrs Peters only came in to cook , bringing her daughter , Elsie to help with the cleaning . However , this evening Mrs Peters was looking concerned . " Oh nothing like that , Sir . She 's . . in there . " Mrs . Peters gestured towards to the sitting room at the back of the house . Edward put down his briefcase and moved towards to door . As he entered he saw his wife sitting on a chair , staring out of the French windows to the garden beyond . She gestured towards the table . He saw there was a copy of today 's Times folded to show one story . He picked it up and read the headline ' VALENTINO DEAD . AMERICA MOURNS FILM IDOL ' . Later , he would regret what he said next but , now , it was his first thought . " . . . an actor . " Alice screamed . As she screamed , the tears returned , unbidden , to her eyes , dripping onto her cheeks . She stood up and rounded on him . " You don 't understand ! You never understand ! " Still crying , Alice pushed by him and ran out the door . He heard her footsteps as she fled up the stairs . He paused before turning and returning to the hall . As he did so , he saw the kitchen door close quietly and knew that little episode had been witnessed by Mrs Peters . He looked up towards the closed bedroom door but then turned and entered the study . His wife was clearly in no mood for conversation . Dinner that evening was a strained affair . Alice sat at the opposite end of the table and made no eye contact with her husband . Since fleeing upstairs she had cried some more but now simply had red rings around her eyes . As her husband inspected his food she glanced at him . How had their marriage come to this so quickly ? She knew she was not what her husband 's family would have wanted . Whilst her husband had a title , the Hon . Edward Stanbridge and would one day be Lord Stanbridge , she came from new money . Her family had prospered in the new industrial era in the early years of the twentieth century and , whilst she had no title , her family were more than financially secure . However , part of her was still a little girl from a provincial town and , like so many provincial town girls , she loved the cinema . Often she had to sneak to the picture houses as her husband felt that such entertainment was below people of their standing . She did not care . She laughed at Chaplin and was stunned by Swanson but most of the time she was in love with Valentino . She had seen The Sheik so many times she could run it in her head . On a number of occasions she had dreamed that she was Agnes Ayres being taken in Valentino 's arms and woken to find a surprising warmth between her legs . On those occasions she had drawn close to her husband but he had remained stubbornly asleep . Maybe it was that these films had created an unrealistic belief in what marriage would mean but she felt , often , that it was simply a disappointment . On the occasions when her husband had made love to her , it had been perfunctory , messy and unsatisfying . The women she saw in the films seemed to sink into the arms of their lovers in exotic locations . For her , it seemed that sex was , as the vicar had said , for the continuance of mankind and took place with no interaction in a darkened room at night . She had begun to see why so many of the actors and actresses she admired seemed to take a number of lovers . From the other end of the table Edward glanced up at his wife . She seemed to be lost in a reverie . He felt he should say something but he did not know what . Not for the first time , he regretted that he had never really known a woman . His mother was a distant figure and his nanny was not someone to whom you could warm . He had two younger brothers but no sisters or even female cousins , certainly not ones he saw on anything like a regular basis . That 's not to say he knew nothing about sex . In the dying months of the war , when he had finally been old enough to sign up , he heard the conversations that the junior ranks had about women but he never liked to hear words like ' fuck ' and ' screw ' used in these situations . There had even been one occasion when a young Belgian girl had lifted her skirt and allowed him to lose his virginity but he hated the memory of her cold , unfeeling eyes . She hadn 't been a prostitute but he felt that he needed to leave a few francs on the side as he sneaked from her room that night . Alice was different ; he knew she stirred something within him . She had , since the first moment he had met her at Cousin Lionel 's wedding . But that was the emotional side of marriage . He could manage that - - just . It was the physical side he found so difficult . Alice told him she had been a virgin when they married and he had wanted their love - making to be special but something held him back . He had not enjoyed it and he was pretty certain she had not either . Occasionally , he had felt her hands on him in the night , as if she wanted him but he had feigned sleep and she had soon left him alone . He knew he could never match up to the film actors she so much admired but deep down he knew he must try . Otherwise he could see their marriage ending up as cold and loveless as that of his parents . He knew that both his mother and father had lovers and hated them both for it . He knew he must do something if he and Alice were not going to finish the same way . Edward 's cutlery clattering onto his plate and the scraping of his chair made Alice lift her head . Their eyes met . Edward stepped towards her but said nothing . Alice didn 't move , her eyes just fixed , blankly , on the spot he had vacated . Fleetingly , he rested his hand on her shoulder then turned and walked quickly from the room . Alice looked down as her tears started to fall once again . The following day , a Thursday , was as bleak as any Alice could remember . From the moment she had felt Edward rise from their bed to go to work to the moment she retired back to bed that evening she neither saw nor heard from her husband . She had walked for what seemed like hours in the afternoon , the hot sun a stark contrast to her mood . Buying a paper , she sat on a park bench and read of the crowds filing passed Valentino 's coffin in New York , of Pola Negri fainting and having to be carried away . She dabbed at her eyes once again . She knew it was pathetic . In fact , she was almost as angry with herself for this ridiculous over - reaction but then thought back to Edward 's cruel words of the previous evening . When Alice returned home that afternoon Mrs Peters had a message from her husband . Something had ' come up ' and he was unlikely to be back early so she may as well go to bed . After a lonely supper , that was exactly what she did . Lying in bed in that empty house she thought once again of Valentino , not just as the Sheik but as Juan in Blood and Sand and , especially , Julio in The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse . Oh my , that tango he did could stir even the coldest soul . As she lay there , picturing him dancing in those Buenos Aires backstreets , her hand strayed unbidden to the growing warmth between her legs . Through the material of her thin Summer night gown she pressed against the wiry hair that hid those parts meant only for her husband , revelling in the feelings produced . As she pressed harder a light moan escaped from her lips . The noise brought her back to reality . She stopped , feeling she was doing something wrong although she did not know what . Banishing thoughts of Valentino from her mind , Alice rolled over and , despite an unsatisfied feeling in her stomach , quickly fell asleep . Waking the next day , Alice knew this was the day when she would have to confront her husband , would have to get him to treat her with something more than contempt . As she sat up in bed she was astounded to see that it was already 9 . 30 . The sun was shining through the curtains . The dip in the bed next to her told Alice her husband had been there but she did not remember his presence from the night . Why had Mrs Peters not woken her ? She jumped from the bed and the thump as she landed on the floor made her realise how quiet was the house . She went to the door , opening it nervously . She was almost prepared to find that , in the night , her husband had stripped the house of all chattels , leaving her penniless in an empty shell . But no , everything seemed to be in its place . In the bathroom , she quickly washed and , returning to the bedroom , pulled on her undergarments and a light Summer dress to match the weather . Hurrying down the stairs , she sensed an emptiness about the house . She looked into the kitchen but there was no sign of Mrs Peters or her daughter . In fact , there was no sign of anything : no breakfast , nothing cooking for later in the day . By now , Alice was becoming nervous . She was no fan of some of the more disturbing films that starred Lon Chaney or had emerged from Germany in recent years but she had spoken with Edward regarding Mr . Wells ' book about an invasion from space . Surely . . . no , she was now being silly . However , she did move quickly to the front door to ensure there were people outside and they were not fleeing London . When she looked out , everything was as it should be . Suddenly , she heard a noise . What was it ? A muffled cough ? A scraping chair ? Alice was not certain but she knew where it came from - - the dining room , the location of that pitiable scene of two nights ago . Was it a burglar , forcing entry through the French windows ? Slowly , she moved to the door and grasped the handle . She turned it but , as she did so , the door was torn from her grasp , rough hands grabbed her , dragging her into the ro " Ed . . . " " Silence , woman ! " From the figure that stood before her emerged a strong , powerful command that she knew she must obey . " You have trespassed into my domain where no woman is allowed . I may have to kill you . . . or perhaps take you as one of my harem . " Alice did not know what to do . It seemed as if the entire world was mad ! She opened her mouth to speak but , once again , she was hushed by the imposing figure in front of her . " I told you to be silent ! Now , come here and let me look at you . I will see if you are worthy of being one of my women . " Alice felt herself drawn by the voice . As she reached him , the Sheik reached out and grabbed her chin . He lifted it , inspecting her face and then turned her , observing her body from every angle . " Yes , very pleasant . " The words were almost murmured . She felt the Sheik behind her , his body pressed close to hers and a frisson of excitement ran through her body . She had thought she knew this person when she first saw him but now she was not so sure . Was this really her Edward ? This seemed more like the figure who emerged from her nocturnal fantasies . He clutched her shoulder and whispered in her ear . " So , my European interloper , your looks please Ahmed Ben Hassan . . . " Alice gasped , hearing the name of her fantasy figure uttered aloud . " . . . but what else can you offer ? Only women who please me can ever hope to become my wives . Shall we see what I can find ? " In one move , Alice was spun around to face her attacker . . . or was it seducer ? . . . and saw , glittering in his hand , a bright , curved , silver dagger . Once again she gasped and drew back . Had she misjudged the situation ? Had her first panic - fuelled thought been correct and she was about to breathe her last ? However , the hand that reached out did not strike her . Instead , it grabbed the thin material of her Summer dress . " Let us see what else you have to offer . " Carefully , the sheik cut through the scooped front of her dress and then replaced the knife in the scabbard hanging from the knotted rope around his waist . Before she had time to question , his two hands grabbed either side of the cut so recently made and tore the dress from top to bottom ! A cry came unbidden from Alice 's throat . Whilst the dress was not a favourite she could not believe that it had just been ripped from her body . The sheik grabbed the shoulder straps and slid them down Alice 's arms . The dress , now with no shape to hold it together , slipped to the floor , leaving Alice in her undergarments . She did not know what to do with herself . Part of her felt she should cover up but a growing feeling within her loved the way the sheik - - her sheik - - was commanding her . She looked up , staring him right in the eye . " Do you treat all your women this way ? " " So Alice . . . " He paused , revelling in her name . " I have removed your thin western dress . Do I have to do the same for your laughable undergarments ? " Alice could not believe what she was hearing . Did he really expect her to take off all her clothes ? As he repeated his question , it was clear that he did . Quickly , she moved to her top . It was a thin Gossard slip that simply covered her breasts which , she was always pleased to say , were small but perfectly round , matching the fashions of the day . As she did as he bade her , the sheik walked around her body , continue to view her from all angles . She dropped the slip on the floor and stood up , her arms crossed over her breasts . " You still have more to remove , my dear . " The sheik had a laugh in his voice . Alice slipped her hands in the waistband of her silk bloomers and slowly , nervously , slipped them down her legs . She straightened up . She could not believe it . She was standing in the middle of a room she had always believed was her dining room but now seemed more like a fantastical eastern tent , wearing nothing but a smile . The removal of her bloomers had confirmed something else : this was no longer frightening . In fact , the feeling between her legs told her she was finding it very exciting . Looking at her sheik , she saw , for a fleeting moment , the persona of her husband show through and then , with a shock she realised . This was undoubtedly the first time he had seen her naked . All those previous fumbles in the dark , he had never previously had a chance to see her body . In fact , on a number of occasions , her nightgown had just been bunched up around her waist , something she had found most uncomfortable . Before she had time to say anything she could see the sheik had returned . He stroked his chin as he looked her up and down . " Very nice , Alice . " He pronounced her name ' Aleess ' , adding to the unreality of the situation . " Now let us see you put your body to use . You will dance for me . " He moved quickly to the gramophone and lifted the needle onto a shellac disc . From the small horn emerged the sounds of the east , the sounds Alice had sometimes heard mimicked by the accompanists for the films . In the better theatres they occasionally had orchestras ! These sounds seemed to add to the mystical feeling inside this silken tent . At the sheik 's command Alice started to move her body . She had been to dances with Edward in the early days of their courting and had always enjoyed the more upbeat numbers . Recently she had even tried this new dance from America , the Charleston , which always left her short of breath ! However , she knew this was not the time for that . Slowly she swayed her body from side to side , allowing her hips to gyrate . She revelled in the feeling as her thighs brushed together . She placed her hands on her hips and started to draw them up her sides . Lost in the reverie , she closed her eyes . Almost immediately she felt the sheik behind her . He placed his hands over hers and joined with her , their bodies swaying together . She guided their hands upwards and almost gasped as he cupped her breasts in his hands , stroking her now firm nipples with his thumbs . They remained in that position , gently moving together for a few minutes . Her head rested back on his shoulder . The record came to an abrupt end , replaced with the jarring sound of the needle going round and round on the closing groove . The sheik whispered in her ear , " Go and lie on the chaise longue , my dear . " She did not need to be asked twice . The sheik removed the needle from the disc and stepped towards her . Alice was half lying , her legs slightly parted , her eyes fixed on him . Slowly , he undid the cord around his waist , dropping it to the floor . His robes fell open , revealing his nakedness beneath . She could see his manhood , already tumescent and , just as Edward had seemed taken aback to see Alice 's naked body , so Alice took the few moments to drink in her sheik 's wonderful body . He sat at her feet and looked her up and down . " My dear Alice , you are a most beautiful creature . Any man would welcome the chance to join with you . " He leaned forward , allowing his fingers to trace patterns on her stomach . She bit her lip , wanting to cry out . Once again he allowed his hands to brush over her breasts , circling her nipples . Alice put her head back , closing her eyes and drinking inbyMiracleLegionnaire © 4 comments / 7903 views / 1 favoritesShare the loveTweetReport a BugSubmit bug reportNext2 Pages : 1212GoLogin or Sign UpStoriesPoemsStory SeriesTags PortalChatForumAdult StoreMoviesWebcamsMobile VersionFAQSearchEnglish | Spanish | German | French | Dutch | Other languagesAll contents © Copyright 1998 - 2012 . 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My kiddos are all here ( except the 3 who went home with their parents ) . Our three who are staying with their uncle across state are here for 3 nights ! : ) It 's been WONDERFUL ! I would be so happy if we could somehow keep this lovely , large , hectic group of kiddos . My oldest girl is downstairs singing with my niece on the American Idol PlayStation game we got for Christmas . My 7 year old and 6 year old boys are watching them . The other group is up here playing with Transformers . I love the sound of them laughing together . Ahhhhhhhh . . . . . Music to my ears . It will be sad tomorrow when the three leave . Happy Monday everyone ! Good morning , happy Thursday ! My 5 year old was sick yesterday . . . still a little today but much , much better . My Almost - 8 - year old has been pushing the limits for the past couple weeks . Probably Christmas coming . . . he also found out recently that he wouldn 't be seeing his biological dad until after the holidays , like WAY after the holidays . Poor kiddo . We have an anual Christmas party with all the extended relatives . We 're doing it at our house this year . I thought I was just volunteering the place , but ended up having to be the time / date coordinator as well . I guess that makes sense . But we finally , just this morning , found a day / time that seems like it will work for everyone . That took a week . Christmas shopping , Christmas parties , not much Bible Study . There was a Proverbs 31 Ministry e - mail devotional recently that asked the question , " Are you ready for Christmas ? " And how most of us respond with our lists of what we have left to do for the festivities . But am I ready , READY , for Christmas ? Have I been preparing my heart ? Have I been feasting on His Word ? Have I quieted my heart to listen to His voice instead of all the hustle and bustle ? Have I been teaching my children about Christmas and all that it means ? Today is a house - cleaning day . . . Physically clean the kitchen . . . and spend some time with my Saviour to " clean " my heart . I may even turn off my computer . : ) Here goes . . . My first ever Weekly Menu Plan Monday post . Woo - Hoo ! My hubby will be so pleased ! So will the kids . No more conversations like the common ones below : 7 year old " What are we gonna eat for dinner ? " Mom - " I don 't know yet . " " Can we go out to eat ? " " Why ? " " That way you don 't have to cook . " Isn 't he sooooo sweet to be so concerned about me ! Another conversation goes like this : Kid - " What are we gonna eat ? " Mom - " I don 't know yet . " Kid - " Can we get something at a drive up ? " Or if I 'm lacking inspiration ( which is always ) I 'll sometimes ask the kids what they want to eat . My 5 year old invariably responds with , " Chicken nuggets , french fries , and a toy ! " Then again , perhaps the kids won 't be all that pleased to have mommy know before 5pm what we 'll be having for dinner . I have a feeling our pizza nights and drive - through dinners will be decreased drastically ! Monday - Sloppy Joes & Mac n Cheese & Pork n BeansTuesday - Chic - Fil - A ( family night - cheap & fun ) Wednesday - Crockpot lasagna , salad , canned fruitThursday - Meatloaf with baked potatoes ( maybe even twice - baked ) salad , peasFriday - Dinner out with hubby so pizza or hot dogs for kids & babysitterSaturday - Tomato soup & grilled cheese sandwichesSunday - Spaghetti , corn , canned fruitNothing fancy . Just trying to get in the habit of writing it down . Have a super week ! I just got back from the grocery store and ONLY bought the items on my list . I am so proud of myself ! Not even one tiny impulse buy ! I did make one switch . . . The bananas were all green so I bought apples instead . Do you realize how much money I 'll save if I keep sticking to my list ? What ? You do realize how much a person could save ? Huh , guess it 's just me . Seriously , I am so far behind on all things home - maker - ish . When we were first married , okay , even up to five years ago , I would ponder and search and ask people . . . How do I clean my kitchen ? Mom , if you 're reading this , it 's not your fault ! I learned so many life lessons from my parents ( even see my list and the comments on Saturday 's post ) . Anyway , I guess I just never really wanted to learn how to be a home - maker . Now I 'm seeing the importance of having a menu plan ( see tomorrow 's post ! Wahoo ! Now I have to do one . ) , a budget , an inkling of how much money pictures are going to actually cost before I have my children do 4 poses at the studio ( another story ) , having routines that include decluttering and picking up dinner dishes , . . . I could go on , but I think I 've embarrassed myself enough ! I just am so tickled pink that I actually STUCK TO MY LIST ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Go me ! : ) Happy Sunday evening / Monday morning . I will have my meal plan up by noon . Okay , by afternoon , by evening at the latest . . . Okay , by noon - ish . : ) Have you Ever ? This is going around and thought it would be a easy blog post . You BOLD the ones you HAVE done . 1 . Started your own blog2 . Slept under the stars3 . Played in a band4 . Visited Hawaii5 . Watched a meteor shower6 . Given more than you can afford to charity7 . Been to Disneyland / world8 . Climbed a mountain9 . Held a praying mantis10 . Sang / played a solo11 . Bungee jumped12 . Visited Paris13 . Watched a lightning storm at sea 14 . Taught yourself an art from scratch15 . Adopted a child - In the process now ! 16 . Had food poisoning17 . Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty18 . Grown your own vegetables19 . Seen the Mona Lisa in France20 . Slept on an overnight train21 . Had a pillow fight22 . Hitch hiked23 . Taken a sick day when you 're not ill24 . Built a snow fort25 . Held a lamb26 . Gone skinny dipping 27 . Run a Marathon28 . Ridden in a gondola in Venice29 . Seen a total eclipse30 . Watched a sunrise or sunset31 . Hit a home run32 . Been on a cruise33 . Seen Niagara Falls in person34 . Visited the birthplace of your ancestors35 . Seen an Amish community36 . Taught yourself a new language37 . Had enough money to be truly satisfied38 . Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person39 . Gone rock climbing40 . Seen Michelangelo 's David in person41 . Sung karaoke42 . Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt43 . Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant - Taco Bell - the next person in the drive - up44 . Visited Africa45 . Walked on a beach by moonlight46 . Been transported in an ambulance - not as a patient but as a ride - along47 . Had your portrait painted48 . Gone deep sea fishing49 . Seen the Sistine Chapel in person50 . Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris51 . Gone scuba diving or snorkeling52 . Kissed in the rain53 . Played in the mud - just two years ago we were redoing our lawn and hubby purposefully made a big mud pit for the kids ( and me ) to play in54 . Gone to a drive - in theater55 . Been in a movie - It was a local fire department training one : ) 56 . Visited the Great Wall of China57 . Started a business58 . Taken a martial arts class59 . Visited Russia60 . Posted by From http : / / www . fridayfillins . blogspot . com1 . Snow makes everything extra beautiful and peaceful . 2 . I 'm looking forward to adopting our 2 boys . 3 . Flannel is the best material ever ! 4 . One of my favorite old tv shows is Little House on the Prairie . 5 . I 'm done with feeling guilty . 6 . The most enjoyable thing around the holidays is talking about Jesus . 7 . And as for the weekend , tonight I 'm looking forward to my hubby coming home after being out of town since Tuesday , tomorrow my plans include meeting my sisters at a photography studio to get pictures of all the grandkids ( 9 of them ) for our parents , ( it 'll be at 2 : 30 , you might say a prayer around that time ! ) and Sunday , I want to go to church ! By the time anyone reads my Friday Fill - Ins , it will be Saturday , but since I 'm posting at 11 : 07pm , I 'm gonna do it anyway ! I read the study for Week # 4 in Sunny 's Biblical Submission Bible Study . I prayed , especially Ephesians 4 : 29 . . . " Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths ( my mouth ) , but only such as is good for building up , as fits the occasion , that it may give grace to those who hear . " I picked up my Bible and my Beth Moore Believing God study book . . . I was just getting ready to sit down to read and study when I was flooded with memories of my old feminist life . I used to refuse to allow boys / men to open doors for me . When I was a senior in High School I wrote a paper on the feminist movement relishing all the research that prooved women 's superiority . I read a book " proving " that it was a goddess who formed our world . . . and believed it . Would refuse to attend church because of Ephesians 5 - " Wives submit . . . " Coughed loudly during a wedding ceremony when the " obey your husband " vow was readTold " Stupid Men " jokes . . . in front of my dadHad quite a collection of buttons / pins that said horrible things about menProudly displayed a bumper sticker on the back of my car ( from my father ) that read , " Men are Idiots and I Married Their King ! " ( My head is bowed in shame just thinking about that one . . . my poor hubby . ) The other day I said something to my dad about how I 've changed a little bit and he thought I was underestimating the " little bit " part by quite a lot . I also e - mailed an old friend who would be shocked at how I 've changed . . . I give all glory to God . Only He can change a heart the way He 's changed mine . Funny because I thank Him for " opening my eyes " but every few weeks or so He opens them more to where I am embarrased for thinking they were " open " before . God is good ! As an afterthought . . . I 've been struggling a lot with low self esteem . Could it be that I was so proud that God has been actually teaching me humility lately ? International Standard Version ( © 2008 ) " But may I never boast about anything except the cross of our Lord Jesus , the Messiah , by which the world has been crucified to me , and I to the world ! " Posted by My western mug with the pistol . Makes me feel like a Sherrif ! Power , Determination , a touch of Outlaw ! My Kitty MugI like how this one feels in my hand . So when I 'm feeling like snuggling up to a nice hot cup of java or chocolate milk , this is the one I want . For when I 'm feeling Ultra Feminine . Right about this time one of my 7 year olds told my 6 year old , " She 's taking pictures of her coffee cup . " Poor kiddos , sometimes they really do wonder about me . . . and with good reason ! My Banished Mugs . My dh , not understanding my mug for every mood , banished my mugs to the top shelf . ( and I 'm short ! ) Now that it 's hot cocoa season , I 'll probably bring down my Disney mugs for the kids . I 've got them trained right because at least one of my boys already has his special mug - The Lion King . I hope you all have a super day ! I will NOT be joining in the shopping madness . I may not even get out of my PJs . Although I do plan on much cleaning in preperation for putting up Christmas Decorations . Yee - Haw ! I asked my kids ( ages 5 - 7 ) , my nephew ( 5 ) , and my niece ( 13 ) if they would give some advice to Aunt Mary on how she should cook the turkey . We 're heading over there this evening for our family Thanksgiving Feast . I e - mailed her these directions in case she needed some help with the turkey . But I 'm really hoping she already has another recipe ! For the below recipe I took snippets from each of their separate recipes and compiled them . I also printed out their individual recipes , a page with " A few Thankful Quotes " , and a blank page titled , " A Few Thankful Notes . . . " . I stapled them together between cardstock and scrapped a little Happy Thanksgiving Title . How to Cook a Turkey - by my kiddosWhat kind of turkey ? A real turkey ? How about Gobble gobble gobble ? You shoot it ! Tell Bob to share his gun . If he 'll let us . I don 't know if he will . You cut off the real skin . The feathers . Put liquid on it . Baking soda , so it can be nice and thick . Probably a pinch of onion powder . 1 ½ tablespoons of that parsley stuff . And a bigger pinch of garlic powder . Apples and tomatoes in it . Cherry and banana . And a popsicle and carrot . It 's how you make it . Put cookies on it ! ( laugh ) For reals put cookies on it . That would be nummy ! That would be nummy to me . Then you put it in the oven . You cook it for 6 minutes . And then you take it out . And ' den ' you let it cool off a little bit . I just remembered something else you have to do . You have to cut off its head ! And pull out all its guts and blood and belly . Want cheese on it ? I like cheese on my turkey . Put out your plates , spoons , forks , knives , cups , napkins , then let the Feast Begin ! Then enjoy it . Then put your dishes away and go home . Happy Thanksgiving . . . . I certainly hope all of your meals are not quite as , um , tasty , as this one would turn out . A Few Thankful Quotes " For three things I thank God every day of my life : Thanks that He has [ given me ] knowledge of His works ; deep thanks that He has set in my darkness the lamp of faith ; deep deepest thanks that I have another liPosted by I dragged myself up the stairs after my alarm sounded at 6 : 30 am . I staggered into the kitchen for coffee and stopped short . A dozen beautiful red roses sat in a vase on my kitchen counter . The night before , my hubby went off to fill the gas tank so I wouldn 't have to first thing in the morning . That was incredibly sweet all alone , but apparently he also bought me some flowers . I made coffee then started my Bible Study . I am currently looking for GodStops in the third 5th of my life . Age 15 - 22 - otherwise known by my mom and I as , " Sophomore Brain Death . " Tons of sin to drudge up . Anticipating the guilt and heartache from those years , I opened the Bible and uttered something about needing to hear confirmation of God 's love for me before I started remembering those ucky things . I skimmed through John then landed in Romans . Romans 8 : 31 - 39 to be exact … 31 What then shall we say to these things ? If God is for us , who can be against us ? 32 He who did not spare His own Son , but delivered Him up for us all , how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things ? 33 Who shall bring a charge against God 's elect ? It is God who justifies . 34 Who is he who condemns ? It is Christ who died , and furthermore is also risen , who is even at the right hand of God , who also makes intercession for us . 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ ? Shall tribulation , or distress , or persecution , or famine , or nakedness , or peril , or sword ? 36 As it is written : " For Your sake we are killed all day long ; We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter . " 37 Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us . 38 For I am persuaded that neither death nor life , nor angels nor principalities nor powers , nor things present nor things to come , 39 nor height nor depth , nor any other created thing , shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord . What an incredible way to start the day . . . flowers from my hubby and a love note from my Lord . Good morning / evening / afternoon . . . Okay Happy Thursday ! This is my response to the questions Sunny posed in her Keeping Christ in Christmas Giveaway . ( http : / / jesusrulzme . blogspot . com / 2008 / 11 / keeping - christ - in - christmas - giveaway . html ) At what age did you recognize you were in need of a Savior ? 31Who shared the Gospel with you ? My husband . What was your first reaction when you heard the Gospel for the first time ? I rejected the Truth as unfair and intolerant . How could a loving God send someone to Hell just because they did not believe in Jesus ? How could I believe in words that were written thousands of years ago by men ? What about people who have never had the opportunity to hear about Jesus ? My husband and I married thinking that our beliefs were fairly similar . Wow , were we wrong ! As he started to realize how far off we were ( Or how far off I was ) , he called me a heathen . It was in jest , but it hit a nerve . Anger was another reaction I had to God 's WONDERFUL Good News . How long did it take you to understand Jesus is the only Savior , repent and trust Him with your life ? I think about a month or two . After my brother - in - law died in June I read Romans and Genesis at the same time and God opened my eyes to the fact that the Bible is FACT . I started reading the Bible with open eyes , trusting it , trusting Him , and talking to my husband . I didn 't pray the " Sinner 's Prayer " and I didn 't have immediate assurance of salvation . I volunteered to be an Awana Leader at the end of August and when they asked me in the interview if I was a " Born Again Christian , " I proudly said " Yes " and floated on Cloud 9 the rest of the day . So I became a Christian sometime between Dan 's death and 9 - 11 . But because I never actually prayed the prayer and I wasn 't changed instantaneously , it took me a while to realize the full impact of having put my trust in Christ . I remember during that summer praying the prayer with different words , or out loud , or in a different order , waiting for the fireworks . Even a year later I expressed Posted by I am in two Bible Studies . I figured it would be okay because one is almost over and the other is just beginning . Well , it just so happens that they are both powerfully insightful requiring much introspection . ( Psalm 19 : 14 and Psalm 139 : 23 , 24 ) The first one is Beth Moore on Believing God . The latest assignment was to go through your life finding all those places that God was there . It is really hard to want to remember some of those times … not the " GodStops , " as she calls them , but what happened just prior . And I actually had a pretty happy childhood ! But I 've been procrastinating , not wanting to be uncomfortable or sad . Basically because I 'm a chicken ! I found out Sunday that a few of my friends in the study have also procrastinated for the same reasons . One friend mentioned that God did some " thunkin ' " on her and she was forced to start delving into her past . She was encouraging and said it was hard but " Oh so Worth It ! " Later that night while running errands I was thunked through K - love . This song , Whatever You 're Doing by Sanctus Real was playing and it so hit home . It should be playing on my playlist below . I 'll add a comment with the lyrics . The next two songs spoke to my heart as well : Back in His Arms Again by Mark Schultz and You Never Let Go by Matt Redman . I cried and prayed and although I did not write anything then , I did some sporadic remembering . When I got home I sat at the piano bench and started flipping through a song book I used to play / sing from when I was younger . It had been in my piano bench forever and forgotten until my 1 year old recently " rearranged " my music . I opened it to the page with one of my favorite songs ( The Way We Were ) and started playing it and singing along , " Memories may be beautiful and yet , what 's too painful to remember , we simply choose to forget . " Then this morning I remembered another verse that asks , " Can it be that it was all so simple then , or has time rewritten every line ? " Funny though , I actually remembered it as " or has GodPosted by Our five year old has been in speech therapy since he was about 2 . Miss Amy works with him on various sounds - " p " and " b " etc . and gives him exercises , like sucking pudding through a straw , that work his mouth and tongue muscles . Lately I 've been questioning whether we really should be encouraging his communication skills after all . When he is in trouble with me and I have to spank him or send him to time - out , he sputters out several words and sentences , usually in the following order , " Mean ! " " Liar liar , pants on fire ! " " I 'm not gonna be your best friend anymore ! " The last one just cracks me up ! Where does he get these ? Tonight was a classic . As we were lying in bed talking , singing , trying to get him to fall asleep so I could get up and play on the computer ( hee hee ) he asked , " Are you the mean momma in the whole wide world ? " His question caught me a bit off guard . " No , honey , I don 't think so . " " Then how come you won 't let me brush my teeth with the noisy toothbrush ? " We have been letting him use the electric toothbrush . Tonight I had to take it away from him before he felt he was finished . ( The internet was calling for me ! ) He was not a happy camper . We went through the rest of his night - time routine and had been talking quietly and singing songs for about 10 minutes before he astounded me with his adorable accusation . Are we in trouble , or what ? I 've been inhaling this song all day . Singing it in the shower , in the car , playing it on my blog , Ipod & Youtube , and just reading the lyrics . There have been a few songs lately that have just really spoken to my heart . One Touch by Nicole C . Mullen is one of them . International Standard Version Luke 8 : 43 - 49A woman was there who had been suffering from chronic bleeding for twelve years . Although she had spent all she had on doctors , no one could heal her . She came up behind Jesus and touched the tassel of his garment , and her bleeding stopped at once . Jesus asked , " Who touched me ? " While everyone was denying it , Peter and those who were with him said , " Master , the crowds are surrounding you and pressing in on you . " Still Jesus said , " Somebody touched me , because I know that power has gone out of me . " When the woman saw that she couldn 't hide , she came forward trembling . Bowing down in front of him , she explained in the presence of all the people why she had touched Jesus and how she had been instantly healed . Then he said to her , " Daughter , your faith has made you well . Go in peace . " I had the amazing privilege of watching Nicole C . Mullen perform this song at a Women of Faith Conference last year . There was a dancer with a red ribbon who , when Nicole sang the part where the woman had been healed , dropped the red ribbon and picked up a white one . It was breathtaking . I like how the video addresses other " issues " that can be healed by Jesus . Video : http : / / www . youtube . com / watch ? v = wtPZuNab9UYLyrics : Been ostracized for 12 yearsI 'm used to being aloneSpent everything I hadAnd now it 's goneI 'm used to being put downMy issues tell it allMy only hope is anchored In this fallChorusIf I could just touch the hem of His garmentI know I 'd be made wholeIf I could just press my way through this madnessHis love would heal my soulIf only one touchSo many people callingHow could He ever knowThat just a brush of HimWould stop the flowIf He knew would He rebuke meOr shame me to the crowdWell I 'm desperate ' cause it 's never or it ' sPosted by " Wives submit yourselves to your own husbands as unto the Lord … " ~ ~ ~ Ephesians 5 : 22This one verse has been such a major part of my life . It was a stumbling block when I was unsaved . My mom and I would attend church together every once in awhile . But it seemed that every time we would go back , this would be one of the readings . We would cringe , sulk , talk it over begrudgingly , and vow not to go to church again . Then in 2001 my brother - in - law and I got into an argument about homosexuality . He , his wife , and my other sister - in - law were talking about how they refused to watch a television show when one of the main characters came out of the closet . I was aghast at such intolerance . He showed me something in the Bible to prove his point . I looked up Ephesians 5 : 22 and handed the Bible back to him . He was a little perplexed because the passage I pointed to was so off the topic . " Well , " I huffed , " This is just something ELSE that 's in the Bible that I don 't agree with ! " Ugh ! My poor brother - in - law . I can still see the incredulous look on his face . He went home and looked up passages to try to prove the Bible to me and I went home and looked up passages to prove just how badly women were treated in the Bible . He died in a motorcycle accident before we could finish our debate . At his funeral the recurrent theme was how he was in Heaven because of Jesus . No one doubted it . I had always been told that it depended on how good you were and it was always a hope , but never an assurance that loved ones would go to Heaven . I started searching the Bible again . But this time I was not looking to proof it errant , I was looking for answers . I started reading Genesis and Romans a little each day and was so thrilled to find out how those two books coincided . It was true ! Everything in that Book was absolutely true . I no longer had a doubt . Shortly after that I accepted Jesus as MY savior , not just savior of the world , but savior of ME . My husband and I celebrated our 10th year of marriage this past May . We have one biologPosted by Psalm 105 : 1 , 2 ( NKJV ) Oh , give thanks to the LORD ! Call upon His name ; Make known His deeds among the peoples ! Sing to Him , sing psalms to Him ; Talk of all His wondrous works ! God is just so amazingly good ! This morning I felt His presence and blessing so strongly upon our congregation . Our church has been building - less for about five years . ( Sometime I will go into the details of how we found grace by leaving Grace and how we came to be called Faith . ) We have the land and some money . Most of us want to build a church . After much God - searching over the past few weeks our church elders have come to the conclusion that it truly is impossible , irresponsible , and inappropriate for us to start building a church . Therefore , we will start building a church ! This is wonderful news , but perhaps a tiny bit confusing . Allow me to explain . Years ago our Pastor prayed , wisely , " Lord , please make it impossible for us to build a church . " We want God , not us , to build His church , not our church . We set up a building committee and started a building fund . Then because things got a little scary ( the inordinate cost of building , negative input at a fragile time , fear from our collective past of losing church buildings ) , we stopped moving forward with building . We have just been moving from borrowed place to borrowed place , building - less , for a long time . Partway through the " impossible , inappropriate , irresponsible " sermon , I was getting a little frustrated . It has been so painfully obvious to my family that we should start building and let God . . . well LET God period . So when the three I 's were introduced with scripture to back them , I found myself almost giving up with the thought , " If our elders are not seeking God ( or at least not listening ) and now they are using scripture to justify this lack of faith , maybe we do not want to be part of this church after all . " I hate even writing that down . I LOVE my church ! We have been through so much together . I love our pastor . I love each of our elders and their families . But God is my All In APosted by Our family enjoyed dinner at a restaurant last night . It was in the town where dh is a policeman , and since he was working , he wore his uniform . Extra pressure to keep the 1 year old entertained so she doesn 't scream her little head off . We tried crackers , a straw tied in a knot and then french fries finally worked for awhile . When our meal came dh gave her little pieces of his chicken fried steak . I use the term " little " loosely as there was really nothing little about the honkin ' huge pieces of cow he was feeding to that tiny10 - toothed infant ! Okay , I am exaggerating . But still , I would have probably at least fourth 'd those bites before letting her anywhere near them . To my husband 's credit and to my relief , she did just fine and I will no longer be buying baby food . Midway through the meal , our 7 year old foster son proclaimed to me , quite loudly , " Remember when Bob tried to kill you ? " I was just speechless . Less than a week ago I had shocked myself a bit on some wiring from our under - cupboard lights dh had installed in our kitchen . That night at dinner my finger was still a little charred so I got all dramatic and entertained my boys with how I got shocked and , " Look at my finger ! Bob tried to kill me ! " Who would have thunk the little guys would have actually believed that ? And really , who in the world could have predicted that one of the dear ones would try retelling it loudly in a crowded restaurant in the town where Bob worked , while he was wearing his uniform ! Well , apparently dh could have predicted it , for he seethed through bared teeth " They will repeat every thing you say ! " Oops ! I don 't think anyone heard , and really dh did think it was kind of funny . Phew ! Kids are just so much fun ! Remind me of that tomorrow , and the next day , and next week . Daniel has an Uncle Obsession of sorts . For the longest time Uncle Mike has had top billing , but lately Daniel has been asking a lot of questions and telling stories about his Uncle Dan . Tonight we were snoozling ( a Bob - term meaning cuddling prior to snoozing ) in bed and Daniel started talking about uncles . ( I 'll have to think of how it started , but want to get some of this down before it leaves my brain . ) He asked if we could pray to his uncle … the one " that died . " " No sweetie , we can only pray to God , but we can pray and ask God if He would say Hi to Uncle Dan for us . " " Yeah , I want to do that . " So I prayed , " Dear God , we ask that you would tell Uncle Dan hi for us and that we miss him . And thank you so much for his love for you and the way he believed the Bible . " Then Daniel asked how he died . He knows it was a motorcycle . I told him that another car ran into him . Okay , how much information is too much information for a 5 year old ? I don 't know . But he asks about it sometimes and I try to tell him the truth . " Was it a bad guy ? " " No , it was a little old lady . " Long silence and then this sweet little five - year - old voice declares , " I want that girl to die . " Wow ! I told him how she didn 't mean to do it . " You know how mommy sometimes runs over the curbs in the van and I say , ' Oops , I ran into a curb ! ' I don 't do it on purpose , I 'm just not being very careful . Mommy is not a bad guy . Same with that girl . She didn 't mean to . She just wasn 't very careful . She 's still sad about it sometimes . " " Can we pray for her ? " WOW ! " Sure . " This time Daniel prayed . " God please tect ( protect ) the girl and not make her be sad . " Or something like that . I can 't remember the words he used . Just the meaning and that it was his idea to pray and just how incredible it was to witness that kind of faith in a five - year - old . * * * * * * Now I remember part of how this whole conversation got started . It was , of all things , hot lava ! Daniel and his brothers have been playing the typical childhPosted by I am writing this only because I have to . DH was peering over my shoulder the other day and said , " You haven 't written since August ? " So , here . I 'm writing . And even though it 's nonsense , it actually feels kind of good . I 've been blogging . . . . . just READING instead of WRITING ! One thing that struck me tonight was after watching part of the debate I found a thread on a FlyLady BlogTalk Radio Forum about " Feeling unsettled . " Many people are scared of what 's going on in the economy , unsure about Iran , hesitant about the future of America in general . I will have to write about this later . Why ? Well , I guess I don 't really . Just that the good Guy wins . God wrote history ahead of time . It 's not going to be real pretty at times . But Good wins . He wins . Halleluiah ! My dear Mother - in - law hates snakes . HATES them ! When her children were little , she saw a garden snake in a ditch . Her youngest son ( I think about three years old at the time ) almost went for a swim because she pushed against him to get as far away from the snake as possible . A few years ago I took some pictures of our then two year old " petting " a snake . She refused to look at the pictures . Last Sunday after church we made a visit out to the family farm to set a bullfrog free ( another story ) . My three boys saw a snake wriggling in the lawn . Where was my Mother - in - law ? In the house , probably standing on top of something tall . I don 't mind snakes , at least not the little non - poisonous ones . I picked it up and the boys took turns holding it . I was told , in no uncertain terms that after playing with the snake , I was to kill it or fling it across the road . " Fling " was accompanied by the action of arm swinging overhead lasso - style . I don 't kill things bigger than spiders . I told the boys to say goodbye to the snake . Then with 3 pairs of innocent eyes watching I flung the snake to a skidding halt in the middle of the far lane of the highway . After not moving for a good thirty seconds , it started slithering toward our side of the road . Like an idiot I yelled at it , " Go back ! Go to the OTHER side of the road ! " Then , wouldn 't you know it , here comes a large truck towing a boat . Smush ! " Go inside boys . " " Is it dead ? " " Go inside . " Fortunately for me it wiggled . " It 's moving ! " " Go inside ! " As I escorted my three now hopeful little boys into the house under orders to wash their hands with soap and warm water , I told my hubby he needed to come outside . " You didn 't throw it all the way across , did you ? " " Nope . " " It got hit , didn 't it ? " " Yep . " Hubby kicked it the rest of the way across the road then found a creepy crawly diversion for our sons in the form of a caterpillar . Rewind to about two weeks before when my dad had just finished babysitting . My six year old invited me ouPosted by Two boxes ( overfilling & damaged ) full of phone systems have been in our driveway since March . We tried to FreeCycle them but someone took the new ones and left the old ones . Hubby was not impressed . Then instead of getting rid of them , we let them sit in our driveway until we could make a decision . This Friday morning , aka " Trash Day , " I made a decision . : ) http : / / www . mysimplerlife . com / blog / ? p = 1189 Ah , the sounds of brothers playing nicely together . " I got up and you say , ' Whoa , I thought you died . ' " my 7 year old commands . " Whoa , I thought you died . " My 6 year old obeys and continues with , " Then I jump over the building and you say , ' He is good ! ' " " He is good . " Says the 7 year old with the same impressed - sounding emphasis on good . This is how my boys often play . They narrate and direct each other . I really need to get them recorded before they grow out of this adorable phase . Meanwhile , my 5 year old son is asking , " Does Robin die ? Does Batman die ? Is Robin a boy ? Can Robin die ? " Obviously my sons are big super hero fans . We even live with our very own super hero . My husband is a policeman . The forces of good verses evil seem to be the topic of conversation much of our day . If they 're not pretending , they 're asking questions . One of my recent favorites was , " Do bad guys sleep ? " How did they come up with that one ? One day , I 'm sure at God 's prompting , I fired some questions right back at them . I asked , " What do bad guys do ? " " They kill people . " Of course . " What else do they do ? " " They steal stuff . " " Oh , like you stole that candy from your brother ? Hmmmm , You 're a bad guy . Do bad guys lie ? " " Yeah . " " Ok . Well you lied to me this morning . That means you 're a bad guy , too . Do bad guys say bad words ? " Now all three boys are a little more hesitant , " Yeah . " " Mommy has said bad words before . I guess I 'm a bad guy . " I really had their attention now . " We 're all bad guys . We all do things that are wrong . We sin . That 's why Jesus died for us . " I don 't know if they totally understood , but one morning I overheard the following , " I 'm Batman ! " " I 'm Spiderman ! " " I 'm Jesus ! " I pray that someday my boys will see Jesus as their One True Super Hero ! I am reading Lysa TerKeurst 's book , What Happens When Women Say Yes to God . I just finished reading the chapter about living for the moment verses focusing on Jesus . " Our life will follow where we choose to focus our vision . " I have definitely been more of a living - life - by - the - seat - of - my - pants kind of girl . My house shows it . My body shows it . This afternoon I went to grab an ice - cream bar out of the freezer . Just as I reached for it words from Lysa 's book came to mind , " living for the moment . " So I left the ice - cream in the freezer where it will do me the most good . I repeated those words a couple of times out loud , " living for the moment " and it occurred to me to ask a question . Have I been living for the moment or have I been living for that moment when I see Jesus face to face ? I am ashamed to admit that I have been focused on my own personal comfort . Day by day , moment by moment . Falling for the all too familiar if - it - feels - right - at - the - time - do - it mentality . So my latest thought is that it is okay to live for the moment … as long as that moment is His and not mine . Hebrews 12 : 12 - 13 " So take a new grip with your tired hands and stand firm on your shaky legs . Mark out a straight path for your feet . Then those who follow you , though they are weak and lame , will not stumble and fall but will become strong . " Just prior to reading this I was sitting on my fanny gathering up energy . I do this quite frequently . I 'm really not sure where I think all the energy is going to come from or how it 's going to find me while I 'm daydreaming or snoozing . Anyway , I 'm taking this scripture to heart this weekend . " Tired hands . . . shaky legs " sure describe me lately . " Mark out a straight path for your feet . " In context this is setting your sights on Jesus . I also think it would help me to plan my days . Then those who follow me . . . ( my kiddos ? ) can see a little bit of Jesus in me . I need to take more seriously this precious role that God has placed me in . My little guys are watching me . They immitate me . Berto and I will listen to them arguing in the next room and my hubby will raise his eyebrows at me condemningly when he hears one of them using one of my sarcastic remarks . Ooops . Why don 't they ever copy the really intelligent things I say ? Okay , they do that all the time . Just never in front of witnesses . Ha ha Dear Father , please help me to make that straight path with you as the goal . I 've been feeling convicted by Paul 's analogy of the race for years now . Probably because Christianity is a marathon and not a sprint . Father , please help me to stay focused on you . Help me to be a Christian example for my kiddos and family . Please allow me to get a firmer grip with these tired hands . Thank you for your Living Word . Your Holy Spirit as guide . Friends and blogs who help keep me accountable . An understanding and patient husband . Supportive family . Posted by God is just so amazingly Good ! He has been especially astounding me lately . Then this morning I felt His presence and blessing so strongly upon our congregation . I get misty - eyed thinking about it now hours later . Our church has been buildingless for about 5 years . Sometime I will go into the details of how we found grace by leaving Grace and how we came to be called Faith . We have the land and some money . Most of us want to build a church . After much God - searching over the past few weeks our church elders have come to the conclusion that it truly is Impossible , Irresponsible , and Inappropriate for us to start building a church . . . . therefore we will start building a church ! Amen ! Closed fist thrown up in the air with loud , " Woo - Hoo ! " Now I 'll have to back up and offer a bit more background because that just sounds crazy . Years ago our Pastor prayed , wisely , " Lord , please make it impossible for us to build a church . " We want God , not us , to build His church , not our church . We set up a building commitee and started a building fund . Then things got a little scary ( the inordinate cost of building , negative input at a fragile time , fear from our collective past of losing ( being kicked out of ) church buildings ) and we 've just been sitting in one place , buildingless , for a long time . Partway through the " impossible , inappropriate , irresponsible " sermon , I was getting a little frustrated . It has been so painfully obvious to my family that we should start building and let God . . . well LET God period . So when the three I 's were introduced with scripture to back them , I found myself almost giving in with , " If our elders still can 't see this , and now they are using scripture to prove this lack of faith as being justified , maybe we don 't want to be part of this church afterall . " I hate even writing that down . I LOVE my church ! We 've been through so much together . I love our pastor . I love each of our elders and their families . But God is my All In All . I can 't be in a church that goes purposefully out of His will . Then Pastor BPosted by Hebrews 10 : 36 Patient endurance is what you need now , so you will continue to do God 's will . Then you will receive all that he has promised . I 'm not a " patient endurance " kind of gal , I 'm more of a " jump in wholeheartedly and then fizzle out " kind of gal . Now that I know I am to write , I need to be patient . My tendency is to neglect everything else and devote myselft totally to writing . . . . then three days later I 'm bored , exhausted , and living in a pigsty . Overcome with guilt about leaving everything else undone during the time I was writing ( or painting , or scrapbooking , or reading ) and feeling like a failure for having quit after such a short time , it could be weeks , months , or even years before I take it ( whatever it happens to be ) up again . I 'm following a " read the Bible in a year " plan and I am constantly amazed at how God keeps telling me through His Word exactly what I need to hear and when . Isn 't that silly ? Why would I be surprized at that ? But I am , delightfully so , each time it happens . I love how He so often works in the little ordinary day - to - day things to show us just how big His love for us truly is . These past few days , and the past weeks leading up to it , have been like a giant blog / jig - saw puzzle . Reading Lysa TerKeurst 's blog yesterday about following your dreams , reading various comments from a bunch of God - loving ladies , ( many who are themselves writers ) following rabbit trails throughout the Wonderful World Web , and this morning 's discovery of Renee and her blog - Journey of My Heart has renewed my desire to write . For the past few weeks God has been sending me subtle ( and some not - so - subtle ) messages about my need to OBEY Him . I told a friend a few weeks ago that I felt that something big was about to happen . I realize now that this is it . I am a writer . I used to write ALL the time . Even as a teenager my philosophy had been , If I didn 't write about it then it didn 't really happen . Then I became a Christian and realized that much of my content was not pleasing to God . I was also humbled to the point of , Who do I think I am that I can write ? Do I really even have anything to say ? But now I realize how many other authors have had such an impact on my relationship with God and that I do have a way with words , Thank God . I have a testimony . I have a way of seeing unique connections in everyday life . One of my biggest fears has been not wanting to confuse or mislead my audience about God 's Truth . I look at writing as a huge responsibility . People are searching and searching for God . What if I make a mistake in my writing and it leads someone astray ? But isn 't that just selfish ? I wonder if that kind of thinking has been why I haven 't written much yet in this New Life ? The Bible offers some assurance . . . . " And I give them eternal life , and they shall never perish ; neither shall anyone snatch them out of My hand . " John 10 : 28 More Later ! This morning I was sitting , er slouching , at the kitchen table . . . just dragging . I was watching the boys outside playing and I was thinking of all the things I needed to do . I prayed , " Lord , will you please give me energy ? " I was hoping for a bolt of energy straight from heaven , what I got instead was a little bit of insight . As long as I was sitting on my tush , I wasn 't going to get any energy . I didn 't need it . So I stood up and reached for the dishrag to start washing the table . Even as soon as I was on my feet , I was happily humming and feeling energetic . While I was still sitting , contemplating my long list of tasks I was feeling hopeless about , I was remembering Phil 4 : 13 " I can do all things through Christ who strenthens me . " I also thought about some books I 've been reading where the author mentioned that they don 't want to be able to claim that they were the ones who did it ( whatever IT was ) they knew they wanted it to be God . That 's when I lifted up the prayer . I let go of my guilt , thinking , " Okay , I don 't feel like it . So what . It 's not about what I feel like . Quit feeling bad about it , and just let God work through you ! " After the huge A - ha ! I thought about our church family and our desire to build our own church building . I love our pastor and he has been so careful about not wanting us to want a building for the wrong reasons . We also ( probably unanimously ) want God to build our church , not us . We 've been saving and planning and scheming for about 4 years . Our pastor prayed recently asking God to make it " impossible for us to build . " We don 't want to take out a loan . I wrote this once and it got deleted . Now with 3 boys competing for my attention , my train of thought is lost . Okay , as long as we are just sitting ( not building , not cleaning , not doing ) we don 't need the energy / money / resources . I didn 't feel energetic until I actually needed it . . . I didn 't need it until I stood up . It 's not a matter of the un - biblical , " God helps those who helps themselves . " It is more of a God doesn 't necessarily neePosted by Last night I came to an understanding of sorts that God was wanting me to obey . Hello . . . . Duh ! But specifically there were a few items that I felt He wanted me to work on today . I cleaned in the girls ' old room today . That was it . I didn 't make the cards . Why ? 1 ) because I felt like my house was too dirty . Did I work on cleaning it though ? Nope . 2 ) I didn 't think I had any stamps . Did I even look ? Did I go buy some ? So I 'm letting little doubts and my expectations and / or perfectionisms stop me from doing what I think God wants me to do . This isn 't good . It 's embarrasing sending this out into the blogging world , but I have got to be held accountable . God knows so what do I really care if the www knows ? I didn 't work on teaching Daniel speech or letters . Why ? 1 ) reading my book instead 2 ) watching a movie 3 ) I did work on the girls ' room . Okay , what was that ? Excuses , justification , let 's just call it what it is . Disobedience . I feel God is leeding Bob and I into another chapter in our lives . I think that it is absolutely crucial that we obey God . I know we will be blessed for having done so . I also think that it 's hard to obey ( for whatever reason ) even these " little " things , but God is about to give us some really big things and that we need to practice obedience . So , I am going to gather a couple of cards for Nancy and get one ready to send to Treasure , Chassy & Tristian . I 'm going to load the dishwasher and lay out my clothes for church tomorrow . Tomorrow I will finish the girls ' room . Including under the bed & sweeping & mopping . Have I asked God to help me obey ? That would be a good way to start ! ! ! ! ! So here we are almost a week after the threee newest kiddos left for the other side of the state with a relative . I miss them so much . We all do . Daniel , the night after they left , said , " Mommy , we only have two . " He held up his pinky and ring finger . " We only have Bendan and Aton . We don 't have everybody . That sad . " " That IS sad . " I replied choking back tears . What is scary is that I 'm really not feeling like we are to be taking in more children . At least not just yet . We had been feeling that this was truly God ordained . That doing foster care , by having a house filled with children , was truly what we were supposed to be doing . Right now , and for the past couple of weeks , I 've been really questioning that . My prayer is that I am truly open to what God has planned for us . . . for our family . Berto and I are not doing all we can be for God . My thought tonight has been that clutter / stuff / things is in the way . With dh working full - time + and getting a raise , it 's been so much fun spending money . But I don 't want that to be our life . I don 't want him to be working himself sick and not loving his job and me spending money on lattes and clothes . There 's more to it . I just read a book where the hero is a pastor . He had been in the military and then went to seminary and became a pastor . Berto has been told before that he should be a pastor . He 's so good at it . It 's been on the back burner though because of his " job " and being tired . Maybe what we need to do right now is regroup for a bit . Please Lord , speak loudly . I am going to read the Bible daily and try to be open to God 's commands . A few things . . . Declutter , send some cards , write , concentrate on Aton 's behaviour & needs & Daniel 's letters & speech . My husband called me just after dark with this cryptic message . " What did you find ? " I asked expecting some sort of punchline or something kind of gross . " It 's weird . I just don 't know what to make of it . " He 'd been patrolling the small town for just a few hours into his shift . I tried for more information . " What is it ? Do I want to see it ? " " I don 't know if you do or not . It 's very odd . I 'm not sure if it was something just left here on purpose , or what . " I got in the van and headed that direction . I called him partway there to make sure he was still at the cemetary . There was no way I was going to arrive there all by myself . Especially after such a strange call from him and especially with the moon full the way it was . Beautiful . . . when you 're not on your way to a cemetary to see something so odd that your policeman - hubby is not sure about it . What could someone find at a cemetary ? The possibilities are endless . One thought I had was , " Did someone write my hubby 's or another cop 's name on a tombstone as a threat ? " Why yes , I do read mysteries . How did you guess ? About five miles away it dawned on me that it was probably a kitten . I called him again and he confirmed that " Whatever it is , it moves . " I pulled up beside him and he talked me into moving my van a little farther away from his patrol car so that we could both actually open our doors to get out . I walked to his side of the car and he had his tazer out , " Did you hear that ? " I did hear an odd noise . . . Then I heard several pitiful mewing noises coming from the direction of his lap . 4 little grayish kittens were huddled together meowing loudly . He 'd found them next to a bag and thinks they were brought there in the bag and dumped . They wouldn 't stray far from the bag . So now the bag and four little kittens are upstairs in my foster daughters ' room . I left them alone for five minutes and when I came back the girls were telling me what the kittens ' names were . " No , Don 't EVEN name them ! They are cat 1 , cat 2 , cat 3 , and cat 4 . " I already have them listed on FreeCPosted by When I was an elementary teacher I looked forward to summer break because it was a break . . . from a classroom of kids . Now I 'm looking forward to summer break because I 'll have a house full of kids for a few months . Crazy . Last night dh and I went to a Foster Care Appreciation Dinner . We dropped the kiddos off at a playland ( babysitting was provided ) and spent 3 hours with each other , other grown ups , good food , and fun entertainment . It was lovely . But when we picked up our 6 crazy kids and started walking toward our mini - van , I was filled with happiness . The kids were bubbly and bouncing around telling us tales of all their fun and the friends they met . I had to stop for just a moment and reflect on just how much I love our large family . I love peace and quiet , but I truly enjoy our chaotic - at - times family . On Mother 's Day at a restaraunt the kids were doing a word search based on the book of Esther . They came to the word " bow . " T - bird , age 5 , decided to demonstrate to all of us what that word meant . He took a bow . He 's a little guy and those tables at Texas Road House are tall . Whack ! Only his pride was hurt , and not too badly because when he saw how funny it was to all of us , he was ready to do it again . No , I am not a woman of many shoes , but many children . My dh ( Berto ) , ds ( DJ ) , and I began taking in foster children a little over a year ago . Because we are insane , actually because we have the room , we offered to take in siblings . Don 't ever offer to do that unless by " siblings " you mean , " TONS of kiddos all at the same time ! " For almost half a year we had 6 kids 6 years old and younger . My mom dubbed me , " The little old mommy who lived in a shoe , had so many children she didn 't know what to do . " I am looking at this blog as a way to replace my chocolate habit . Last Valentine 's Day everyone I knew gave me dark chocolate . Who knew that dark chocolate was a stress reliever ? Apparently everyone who knew me and knew I needed to relieve some stress ! Now I am in search of healthier stress - relieving habits . . . Daily Bible reading ( which was one of the first things to go after our family nearly trippled in size ) , going to the gym ( Anyone else just LOVE the elliptical ? ) , writing ( a rekindled romance ) , and eating healthier . Check in whenever you like . Read anonymously . Offer kind advice . Share your own similar struggles and triumphs . Tell a joke . . . . Just don 't tell Social Services . If they had any idea what went on in this mind of mine they 'd not only take away our dfc ( dear foster children ) but DJ as well ! I love the Lord . I love my husband . I love my kids . I love talking and writing about my experiences with the Lord , my husband , and my kids . I love reading about other women 's experience with the Lord , their husbands , and their kids . Isn 't Blogging fun ?
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" For whatever is born of God overcomes the world ; and this is the victory that has overcome the world - - our faith . Who is the one who overcomes the world , but he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God . " I John 5 : 4 , 5 I 'm going to shut down the computer for a little while , gals . I am heading out to Colorado the day after Christmas to spend a few days with my extended family , celebrating my mother 's 70th birthday ( she doesn 't read the blog , so I can put the number in print ! ) . And by the way , she really doesn 't look a day over 55 . . . but I will be back after the New Year . This Christmas season has been a memorable one for me for many reasons . But the main one that sticks out in my mind is the overwhelming graciousness of God . As time passes , it seems that this world only becomes more dysfunctional , more wicked , and more self - focussed . I think that every day we move farther from Adam 's perfect state simply adds to the horrific condition that sin has afforded here on earth . Oh , I know - sin brought death , and dead is dead - there aren 't levels of death . But I think the effects of sin on earth have increased - on the soul there is only one effect , but on earth the wickedness seems to be increasing . Maybe it 's because we are filling the earth with sinners . None of this is a surprise to God . He completely understands the rebellion of sinful man , our dark hearts and our self - preservation tendencies . He knows that we want to worship and follow anything and everything but Him , and He gets the fact that fist - shaking is one of our favorite pastimes when it comes to knowing Him . Being a sinner makes us His enemy . He knows it , feels it , and completely understands it . So what does He do about it ? " But God demonstrates His own love for us , that while we were YET SINNERS , Christ died for us . " Romans 5 : 8While we were still his enemy . While we were shaking our fist at Him . While we were worshipping someone or something else . While we were sitting on the throne of our hearts , ruling and rebelling , He sent His Son to make the way clear for us to be restored back to Him . Who does that ? Oh , we might do that for our children , but for our enemies ? For those who hate us ? Only God is gracious to the point of death . And it doesn 't stop there . His loving arms Posted by I saw this today on an Endtimes website called Born to Watch . ( www . borntowatch . com ) It is depicting the moment when the world will see the Son of Man coming in the clouds of heaven with great power and all His glory . I just thought it was pretty thought - provoking and so I dragged it off that site and threw it here for you to see . ( I hope that 's okay . . . ? ) Enjoy ! " But she was very perplexed at this statement , and kept pondering what kind of salutation this was . " Luke 1 : 28Before this verse in Luke 1 , all we know about Mary was that she was an engaged virgin who lived in Nazareth . Those three words , engaged , virgin and Nazareth , is enough information for you to grab your Bible dictionary and dig deeper into understanding exactly who Mary was . But I want to move on to two other words that stuck out in verse 28 - perplexed and pondering . Often when an angel appears to men , the response is flat - on - your - face fear , but Mary has a completely different response - curiosity and confusion . The next words that the angel speaks are " Do not be afraid , " so perhaps there was some fear mixed in , but you don 't see Mary fall on the ground and cry out , " Woe is me , for I am a woman of unclean lips ! " or become as a dead man from fear . I have often wondered why she wasn 't more frightened and I think it is because God is so kind hearted that He didn 't want to scare the living daylights out of her - so the angel 's appearance , though definitely supernatural , was comforting rather than frightening . Just my thoughts on that one . . . By the way , did you notice when Zacharias questioned the possibility of his wife becoming pregnant that the angel responded with discipline , but when Mary asks how she could be pregnant since she was virgin , the angel responded in a kind explanation ? Just interesting , wouldn 't you say ? Back to the topic - here we find Mary thoughtful and contemplating . Jump now to Luke 1 : 45 - 55 . Mary responds to Elizabeth 's declaration about her pregnancy with praise to the Lord . Now remember , Mary is an engaged , pregnant woman - this was not socially acceptable and actually rather difficult to explain . But she keeps her eyes on God and humbly praises Him for His work in her life and His plan for the world . Again , I think Mary was a deep thinker - she isn 't a reactor but a responder . There 's a difference . . . think about it . . . Next we see her in Bethlehem , tending her newborn in a manger , having Posted by " Oh , to have the faith of Daniel ! " " I want the courage of Joshua . " " Lord , give me the wisdom of Solomon . . . " " Am I am Mary or a Martha ? " " David was a man after God 's own heart . How would God describe me ? " We often read the Word and study the characters to learn more about ourselves , our God and to give us godly examples to imitate . Peter was fiery and quick tempered , but his impulsiveness gave him a boldness to speak truth without apology . John was kindhearted and meek . Joseph trusted the Lord , despite how unfair life was to him . Nehemiah followed the call of the Lord amidst major oppression . Esther mustered the courage to save a nation . So many stories , so many lessons to learn . But there is one person in the Bible that we tend to shy away from . Oh , she gets plenty of attention and for some , she has been elevated to a level that places her second only to God the Father . Because of this misplaced worship , we tend to completely disregard her story to avoid the appearance that we worship her as well . Yes , you know who I am talking about - Jesus ' mother , Mary . There is a great pendulum swing in feelings toward Mary - the Catholics hold her in such high esteem that they teach she herself was an immaculate conception . We evangelicals are at the other end of the spectrum , and we barely whisper her name because we don 't want to raise her above any other common woman - she was just an instrument of God 's choice . Are you kidding me ? Yeah , she was an instrument of God 's choice , just like David , Joshua , Joseph , Peter and Esther . Just like us . We need to get past this and see what we can learn from this humble girl . So my weekend wish for you is actually an assignment . I want you to read Mary 's story . Take a look at Luke 1 and 2 , and write down some observations about this gal . Her story is unique to say the least , but we have a lot to learn from her . Then next week we 'll compare notes . Sound like a good plan ? Have a great weekend , gals . We are 7 days away from Christmas ! " But the angel said to him , " Do not be afraid , Zacharias , for your petition has been heard , and your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son , and you will give him the name John . You will have joy and gladness , and many will rejoice at his birth . For he will be great in the sight of the Lord ; and he will drink no wine or liquor , and he will be filled with the Holy Spirit while yet in his mother 's womb . And he will turn many of the sons of Israel back to the Lord their God . It is he who will go as a forerunner before Him in the spirit and power of Elijah , to turn the hearts of the fathers back to the children , and the disobedient to the attitude of the righteous , so as to make ready a people prepared for the Lord . " Luke 1 : 13 - 17As a child , I was taught that when Zacharias drew the lot to burn the incense before the Lord , that he brought his life long petition before the Lord in prayer - the request of a child . But ladies , I am not sure that 's exactly what he was asking for as he prayed that day in the Temple . Let 's take a closer look : Elizabeth was advanced in years ( 1 : 7 ) - not only was she barren , but she was getting up there in age . Now , we have the story of Sarai and her pregnancy at 89 years old , so perhaps we just assume that when a story starts out with barrenness , that God is going to step in . But was that at the forefront of Elizabeth and Zacharais ' minds ? I think there comes a time when you accept the obvious - Elizabeth not only was barren , but most likely she was beyond the bearing years - that 's why the scripture tells us she was advanced in age . . . advanced beyond what ? Beyond the childbearing years . . . Zacharias was a priest whose service would be called upon for two weeks each year in Jerusalem . The privilege of lighting the incense within the Temple would be a once in a lifetime calling - chosen by lot , which is another way of saying chosen by God . So , if you are given the once in a lifetime opportunity to light the incense inside the Temple and offer a prayer before the presence of the Lord , don 't you think Posted by I 've been thinking a lot about expectations these days . I knew you all were expecting me to post an entry here on Groundwork for Grace . You were probably waiting on pins and needles , right ? ? ( You don 't have to answer that . . . you 'll pop my bubble ! ) We had to unplug the computer for a few days while the carpets were cleaned , but we 're back on - line now , and I 'm proud to say I navigated my way to the back storage areas of Blogger all by myself ! No techno - geek husband help required ! I was expecting a big . . HUGE . . been hearing about it for days . . . storm here in Holland today . I stocked up on food , toilet paper , Christmas cookie ingredients . . . I was ready ! ! Humph . . I don 't know what happened up in Grand Haven , but here in Holland . . . ppfffttt . . . we got nothin ' . . zilch . . . nada . . My kids were expecting a great day of fun in the snow and instead it was like playing in a giant slurpee . They came in soaking wet , but I didn 't mind too much as it gave me time to work on some of my Christmas preparations . We 're hosting Christmas at our house this year . My brother and his family will be coming in from Washington D . C . and my parents will come from the Chicago area . . . . 12 people and 4 dogs at our house for 4 days . Paul can hardly wait ! ! ! ! He loves lots of noise and chaos and dogs running everywhere . . . . or not . He does , however , love me and my family . So he 's trying to stay positive . As I worked on my menu and tried to come up with ideas of things to do together , I began to formulate these Norman Rockwell images in my mind . . . . . good conversations around the dinner table , the cousins playing nicely together , playing cards at night , working a puzzle in front of the fire . Everything was looking swell in my mind until I came to Christmas Eve . That 's when I realized that I had better check my expectations at the door . You see , no one in my extended family knows the Lord . And . . . my brother and his wife parent very differently than we do , which sometimes causes tension . And . . . my sister - in - law ( who I love ) is a rather emotional person whose moods can eithPosted by Good morning , ladies ! I trust you had a great weekend . I am just writing you a quick note to tell you that I am in Chicago this week and Beth is covering the blog for me - this is assuming that she can maneuver her way in the back storage areas of blogger - world , but she has a techno - geek husband , so I would expect in a day or two you will hear from her ! I put a picture of Chicago here so you could see where I am going . If you start on the right side of the picture and count 9 buildings to the left , I am staying on the 35th floor of that 9th building . Go ahead , I 'll wait . Just joking . . . I wanted to see if you 'd try ! Have a great week - I will see you all online next Monday , Lord - willing ! Let me leave you with this one thought : " I thank my God in all my remembrance of you , always offering prayer with joy in my every prayer for you all , in view of your participation in the gospel from the first day until now . For I am confident of this very thing , that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus . " Philippians 1 : 3 - 4This is my message to you this week . . . thank you for the honor and joy you have allowed me to experience through blogging with you this fall . Have a great week ! Kristen Is there anything that brings more joy to a child than a snow day ? Well , guess what , ladies - today you are going to have a house full of happy children ! I woke up at about 5 : 45 this morning and stumbled downstairs to my computer . On my way , I looked out the window and could no longer see the driveway , and the dark , night sky was strangely light . I knew immediately what was happening . . . it was still snowing and that meant there was a good chance school would be cancelled . And of course , it was . . . My children all have about the same response when I tell them to stay in bed . Christopher was in a deep sleep and as I quietly said his name to wake him , he mumbled a response . " Snow day - stay in bed . " His voice strengthened . " Really ? " " Yep , " I answered . As I closed his door I heard him call out , " Good call ! " I 'm not sure if he was talking to me or the Lord , but I headed back up to the girls ' rooms to let them know . Alex sat up in bed when I walked in and when I told her she said , " Sweet ! " and dropped back down onto her pillow . Nicole was the only casualty of the morning . She was already up and getting ready to shower , but promptly turned around and hopped back in bed , and nearly two hours later she is not up yet . So starts the Wisen 's snow day . . . My weekend wish is another simple one for you today . If you have children , I 'm wishing you a wonderful snow day . Make a big breakfast , bundle the little ones up and let them make snow angels and snowmen . Have a big saucepan of REAL hot chocolate waiting for them when they come back in . Make cookies with them and find a Christmas movie to watch in the afternoon with a big bowl of popcorn on your lap . Nap with them by the fireplace or play a board game to pass the time . But enjoy your children today ! If you don 't have children , I still want you to have a wonderful snow day ! Get your weekend prep done quickly , then light a fire in the fireplace , grab that book you 've been meaning to read and a cozy blanket and have at it ! Don 't forget to spend some time with the Lord - may I suggest rePosted by How cute are they ? ? ? James MacDonald has defined love as " You before Me . " It 's my favorite definition to use , since it 's so simple and so right - to - the - point . You before Me . Your needs before My needs . Your happiness before My happiness . Your choice before my choice . Your interests before mine . When I talk with brides - to - be , I can see the love glowing from their faces and its a perfect time to talk about true , godly , sacrificial love . But how often do I truly love my husband ? Am I instructing these young gals to do something that has become rare in my own life ? Having an engaged daughter in the house is a lot of fun . It 's fun to plan the wedding . It 's fun to watch her try on her dress and see her face sparkle with delight . It 's fun to add special , unique details that will make her wedding a day to remember . ( As you can tell , Dad 's the one paying the bills and Mom 's the one having all the fun ! ) Young , engaged love is so selfless . Austin lets Katherine eat the best bite of his cookie ( he eats around the edges and gives her the soft middle piece ) . Katherine scratches his head as he naps on the couch . Austin drives out of his way to pick up something Katherine has forgotten at home and needs at school , just to make her smile and not worry . Katherine heats up leftovers for her starving fiancee and feeds him first , before putting a plate together for herself . All they can think of is each other 's well - being and happiness . It 's so nice to have them around . But something happens after the marriage and we start to take each other for granted . It may take five or ten or twenty years , but it happens and it 's sad when it does . Instead of scratching his head while he naps , I read a book . Instead of feeding him first , I tell him there is cereal in the pantry . Now , don 't get me wrong , it 's not really all that bad - but it 's not as self - less as it was in the beginning . It 's just very comfortable . . . Same with our relationship with Christ . We are so overwhelmed with His gift of life , that we would cut off our right arm to please Him whePosted by Yes , sometimes we have it easy and we just don 't realize it . I was reading in Philippians this morning and came upon one of my favorite verses . Paul was encouraging the church in Philippi to be anxious for nothing , to let their gentle spirit be known to all men , to let the peace of God guard their hearts and then he said , " Finally , brethren , whatever is true , whatever is honorable , whatever is right , whatever is pure , whatever is lovely , whatever is of good repute , if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise , dwell on these things . " ( 4 : 8 ) Wow . . . that 's quite a list - true , honorable , right , pure , lovely , of good repute , excellent and worthy of praise . If I asked you to name something that fit all these categories to set your mind on , what would you say ? Of course there is really only one answer - Jesus . He alone is worthy of praise . " . . . keep seeking the things above , where Christ is seated at the right hand of God . Set your mind on the things above , not on the things that are on the earth . . . " ( Colossians 3 : 1 , 2 ) The instruction to set our minds on Christ is not a new one from Paul and I think its the key to the Christian walk . If we set our minds , or dwell , on Christ , our feelings and our actions will be directly affected . So , this holiday season , how hard is it to dwell on Christ ? Do we get caught up in Christmas shopping , decorating , baking and addressing Christmas cards that we don 't have time to dwell on Christ ? I know it sounds ridiculous , but if we are truthful , the weeks in between Thanksgiving and Christmas can be some of the most hectic and stress - filled of the whole year . It seems that we dwell in List - land , or in Preparation - ville , or in How - Do - I - Keep - Everyone - Happy - This - Year Town instead of dwelling in Christ . Well , might I suggest that of the whole year this should be the easiest time to dwell in Christ ? Here 's why : He 's everywhere you go . Try this - go to the mall and do an hour or two of shopping . When you get back into your car , before turning on the engine , just sit quietly and listen tPosted by Well , friends , I have just spent the last hour trying to make this blog look seasonal . . . I 've lost half my settings and adding a post is a new challenge , but in the end , I think it works ! I trust you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving yesterday , but ladies , a new season is upon us , and it 's time to roll up our sleeves and embrace the change ! Yes , you know what I am talking about . . . that change where your house goes from browns and oranges to reds and greens ! Where your blueberry candles get traded out with evergreen scents . Where your snowmen replace your pumpkins and where your mums get exchanged for poinsettias ! Yes , it 's Christmastime . Did any of you do the black Friday thing ? I 'd love to hear your stories ! As for the Wisen family , we put up trees and jammed them full with ornaments , filled our mantle with greenery and lights , hung a few wreaths , set out our nativity scene , re - vacuumed the whole house and collapsed on the couch . No lines or power shopping for us . . . Christmas seemed to sneak up on me this year . I 'm not sure why and it 's not like I 'm behind in my preparation , I just don 't have that " feeling " yet . So I am going to start with the basics and give you a preparatory wish for the season for your Weekend Wish . My wish for you is that you remember this one fact about Christmas this weekend : Jesus came . That 's it . Jesus came . Let me show you how my mind works : Jesus came . He showed up . He said He would and He did . It 's a done deal . We don 't live like the OT saints who looked ahead to a promise - we can see the promise kept , fulfilled , completed . Even though we have eternity to look forward to , there are no " what if 's " or " I hope 's " , because Jesus came . He showed up . He did exactly what He said He would . The next question in my mind would be this : how is my life different because Jesus came ? I won 't give you my answer but you think about it yourself . I would also ask : What if I was on the other side of this historic event ( like the OT saints ) ? What would my faith look like ? Which side would I rather be on ? That 's rPosted by We have so much to be thankful for , don 't we ? We could spend the next week just making lists and telling stories and praising the Lord , and I hope that 's exactly what you do . Actually , I hope you don 't stop in a week . We need to have thanksgiving and gratefulness drip from our lips every day , because we know the Creator of the universe and the Savior of our soul - this is great cause for praise . I want to share with you a quick story about my twins . I have had some say to me , you 're not an authentic mother of twins since you didn 't carry them or go through the first two years of their lives . Having adopted them at 6 , I understand I missed a very stressful , hectic time in their lives , but my response to the critics has always been , " At least your twins understood English ! " ( My girls are from Romania . ) Oh , the stories I could tell , but there is not enough time or space on the internet for me to do that now , so I will share this latest one . Let me start first by saying that the twins have had us laughing from the day we adopted them . They love life and attack it with such energy that from day one , whether it was watching their tiny bodies struggle to carry suitcases 4 times their size , or jumping into the pool with their clothes on without understanding what that would actually mean , watching the wrestling that ensued when we asked them , " Who 's stronger ? " or enjoying the hours of dress - up fashion shows , the twins always have provided entertainment and fun . Sure , we 've had our tough times , but in light of the sheer joy they have brought to our lives , the struggles pale in comparison ! One particular funny thing about the girls as they learned to speak English was the fact that they wanted so badly to communicate but would often misuse common words with great confidence . It was frustrating for them , I am sure , to try to communicate with us when we couldn 't figure out what they were saying . But usually the other twin would jump in and translate for us and we 'd laugh when we 'd realize what it was they were saying . Fast forwaPosted by My mom sent me this verse as another reason to give thanks . She said , " It was too small a thing to only save Israel , so Jesus saved the Gentiles as well . . . " Read and see it for yourself : He says , " It is too small a thing that You should be My ServantTo raise up the tribes of Jacob and to restore the preserved ones of Israel ; I will also make You a light of the nations so that My salvation may reach to the end of the earth . " Isaiah 49 : 6It was God 's plan from the beginning to be a light to the whole world - Jesus didn 't fail with Israel and decide to add Gentiles as a last minute change . Thank you , Father , for clearly showing Your plan and following through with it . Posted by Justification is one of my favorite words . If you sit in one of my studies , I like to throw it in here and there , and then remind you of the definition . This week in our study of Genesis , we are going to see Abraham 's faith counted to him as righteousness . It 's his salvation experience . He is justified through his faith , not his actions . It 's going to be a great lesson ! Paul , in the book of Romans , tries to explain the whole concept of justification by faith , rather than by works of the Law . He is writing to people who have been saved but have lived under the law for so long , that they can 't help but hold on to their tradition . In teaching them that the Law was never intended to be a tool of salvation but an object lesson to point to the Savior , Paul uses Abraham as his premier example of one who was before the Law and was justified by his faith . ( See Romans 4 . ) This weekend my family went up to our cottage , about an hour away from home , and brought with us a handful of the kids ' friends . Sunday morning , after a big pancake breakfast , we sat with them and David talked about what we have to be thankful for this year . We can all list the blessings of health and family , possessions and peace , but he encouraged the kids to go beyond the physical and thank the Lord for the spiritual blessings He has bestowed on us . He focused on justification and when he asked what it meant , I piped in with my typical response , " It 's a clean slate - God marks our account as if we had never sinned or as if we had always obeyed and we receive Christ 's sinless record as our own . " Good job , Kristen . Nice answer . But David , in his patient manner , explained that it actually goes a bit deeper than that . Because God is just , He doesn 't grant amnesty . Like a president on his way out of office , God doesn 't simply grab a bunch of humans and mark their accounts clean . Dave mentioned that he struggles watching the show " Cold Case " because the concept that people who committed a crime and weren 't brought to justice until 10 , 20 or 30 years later bothePosted by This is kind of a big weekend : It 's the last weekend before the holiday season officially kicks off ( with Thanksgiving and then on into December ) . It 's the last weekend we can say , " Hasn 't snowed yet ! " ( Snow on Wednesday , supposedly . . . ) It 's the last weekend we can set aside thoughts about Christmas shopping ( Are they really moving black Friday up to Wednesday this year ? ? ? ) It 's the last weekend we can look at our fireplace and not feel guilty that there aren 't stockings hanging yet ( As the kids get older , is there any other option for girls ' stockings than perfume and lip gloss ? ) It 's the last weekend you can find a radio station that won 't play Christmas music 24 / 7Okay , gals - it 's coming and we can 't stop it , so we might as well enjoy our last , holiday - pressure - free weekend . So I 'll make this short and sweet . My wish for you this weekend is that you find time to take a walk with someone you love , that you stay up late and sleep in late , that you pop in a favorite worship CD and read a good book , that you eat a cookie without wondering how many calories you just ingested , that you hug your children without wondering if you need a bigger size than you bought , that you don 't even think about where to put the tree yet - but most of all , spend time with your Savior , reading His love letter to you with a good cup of coffee . Because a week from now , the craziness begins and you 'll wish you had savored the stillness while you had it . Have a great weekend ! Kristen . . . how the Bible is like a master recipe book ? Take a handful of verses in Genesis , throw in another verse in Psalms and top it off with a few verses in Hebrews and voila ! You have a type of Christ ! ( What is she talking about ? ) < - - that 's youFor those of you who weren 't at study today , the answer is : Melchizedek ! Genesis 14 : 18 - 20 , Psalm 110 : 4 and Hebrews 7 : 1 - 3 are all the verses we have on this mystery man , but we are told that Christ would be a priest in the same manner as Melchizedek . So , as believers , we study , we dig , we compare scripture with scripture and we draw closer to the Lord with our results . I 'm not going into the details of our conclusions because I taught through it already today , so call me if you need to understand the specifics here . My point is this - don 't you just love how the Bible , written by so many different men , over 1500 years , just flows seamlessly together and all points back to God ? His plan , His story , His will , His character . It 's all about Him . He is the theme of the Word . And it 's actually fun in the process ! Hope you all have a good day . . . I 'm just stoked about how cool the Word is . . . Kristen This week in our study of Genesis we take a closer look at Lot , Abram 's nephew . It 's really only an introductory story , but it sets the stage for things to come . Now , if I asked you what you know about Lot , I would think that most of you would instantly think of Sodom and Gomorrah . And that 's a horrible story from the start to the finish . But do you know what haunts me ? It 's what Peter says about Lot in his second letter : " . . . and if He rescued righteous Lot , oppressed by the sensual conduct of unprincipled men ( for by what he saw and heard that righteous man , while living among them , felt his righteous soul tormented day after day by their lawless deeds ) , then the Lord knows how to rescue the godly from temptation , and to keep the unrighteous under punishment for the day of judgment . . . " II Peter 2 : 7 - 9Initially , when I read this , I got frustrated with the descriptive word used for Lot : Righteous . Are you kidding me ? Righteous ? The man who offered his virgin daughters to spare the lives of strangers ? The man who was surrounded by heinous , obvious sin and still chose to sit in the gates as a leader ? The man whose daughters got him drunk in order to get pregnant ? But God calls him righteous , so , in light of what we have learned about people who are righteous , what does this tell us about him ? His actions did not make him righteous . God 's choice of him made him righteous . The future sacrifice of Christ made him righteous . And , if we 're being honest about our assessment of him , he did respond in obedience to the angel 's message of coming destruction . So , once I settled down about Lot being called righteous , a second wave of thoughts hit me . These verses tell us that Lot was tormented by what he saw day after day . He must have hated the sin that surrounded him . Gals , I really don 't think that Sodom and Gomorrah was very different than where we live today . The overt sexual sin , not merely homosexual but heterosexual as well , is prevalent , or should I say rampant here in America . Name a television show that doesn 't promotPosted by Welcome to November in Michigan ! This is a picture I shot this morning . We have had a beautiful fall season and the mild weather the past two weeks added to its majesty . But now things have changed . Most of the leaves have fallen in this area and any leaves remaining are mostly dead , so if you 're looking for fall colors , you have to look at the piles of leaves which have been blown to the curb for the city to remove . Within the next couple of weeks , it is very possible that snow will fall and that white blanket of covering will begin a new season of beautiful , clean backdrops as we look from our windows across the freshly covered landscape . But the small window of time between the symphony of color we call fall and the freshness of snow we call winter is not an overly attractive time in Michigan . It is easy to look at the bare trees and dread the coming snow . It is even easier to look at the neutral colors and fuss over the changing temps ( although today is in the 60 's and incredibly mild ) . But I tend to like this little window of time , because I am fascinated with trees . I have one tree by my house whose trunk has grown in the shape of a curly rotini noodle . There is a tree on Stanton on my drive to church that the whole trunk has twisted over the years that it looks like the dress of a little girl when she stops suddenly from twirling in circles . Trees easily give glory to God . In the spring their small leaf buds bring with them the promise of new life . I love when whole trees burst with blossoms even before their leaves show up . I have a couple Magnolia trees and I eagerly watch for their buds because they tell me that warm weather is right around the corner . In the summer , the shade of a good tree seems to provide not only covering from the sun , but there always seems to be a breeze in the shade . It 's like trees have their own air conditioning systems . In the fall , the colors are spectacular and even breath - taking . Though fall tends to have a lot of rain , occasionally the sun pokes through the clouds and the Posted by ( I think I am beginning to sound like a broken record , but it is our power source . . . ) Follow my logic - if " faith " is believing the Word of God and acting on it , no matter how I feel , because God promises a good result , then how can you step out and walk by faith without being in the Word of God ? Think about it and fill in the blanks : By faith , Noah _______ . By faith , Abraham ___________ . By faith , Joseph ___________ . By faith , Peter _________ . By faith , Paul _________ . Each one of these men acted on God 's instruction in their life and walked by faith . But how often do people say they are stepping out in faith , without knowing God 's Word ? The conversation goes like this : " It 's going to take a lot of faith , but I know this is what God wants for me . " " How do you know this is what God wants for you ? " " I just feel this is right . " " Oh , you feel it . " " Yeah . " How much greater would it be to make decisions in life based on the Word ? So when people ask you , you can say , " This is what God 's Word says , therefore , by faith , it 's what I am going to do ! " Doesn 't that make more sense ? Ground our life decisions on the Word of God and then by faith , act on them ? When we walk by feelings , then there 's no difference between us and unbelievers ( Eph . 4 : 17 - 32 ) . When we walk by the Word , that 's when faith kicks into high gear . We aren 't going to need faith in heaven , so we may as well use it up while we 're here on earth . So , let me give you one more thing to think about and fill in the blanks : By faith , ( your name here ) __________ . ( What do you do by faith ? ) Labels sometimes frustrate me . I understand that often times labels are a simple way to generalize what someone believes without a lot of verbiage , but for some reason in the church we have turned labels into judgments . They can be demeaning . We say someone is a " ________ " and then roll our eyes , to which the recipient of our comment nods understandingly and purses their lips in agreement . Fill whatever label you want in the blank : Charismatic , pre - tribber , post - millennialist , Calvinist , mid - tribber , Arminianist , pentecostal , amillennialist , creationist , preterist , pre - wrather , literalist , or one of the hundred plus denominations that dwell within the sacred walls of Christianity . Don 't get me wrong - I don 't mind being called a calvinist or a pre - wrather or some of the other labels given to me . I don 't have a problem with standing on a doctrine and receiving a label for it . What bothers me is the fact that there are so many labels or doctrines within the church today . And here 's why it bothers me : " If anyone advocates a different doctrine and does not agree with sound words , those of our Lord Jesus Christ , and with the doctrine conforming to godliness , he is conceited and understands nothing ; but he has a morbid interest in controversial questions and disputes about words , out of which arise envy , strife , abusive language , evil suspicions , and constant friction between men of depraved mind and deprived of the truth , who suppose that godliness is a means of gain . " I Timothy 6 : 3 - 5How great are those words ? " Great ? " you ask . Yeah , great and scary . Great because they describe exactly what is going on today in the church , and scary because they describe exactly what is going on today in the church . For there to be so many differing doctrines within the church today means that somewhere along the way someone quit agreeing with sound words and started advocating a different doctrine . And then a portion of believers embraced that differing doctrine , which has lead to millions of hours of controversial debating , which haPosted by This is my mom . She might not be thrilled with me at the moment for choosing this picture , but I have my reasons . So let me address my mother first - Mom , you are beautiful ! I 've never seen a bad picture of you , except for that one Dad took when you had the surprise extraction of your wisdom teeth when I was younger . Other than that , I don 't want to hear it - you are gorgeous ! Now , on to my post . This picture was taken last Christmas when my whole family ( sisters , husbands , nieces , nephews ) all went to Aruba together over the holiday . I captured this shot on a typical afternoon at the pool . Kids were swimming or floating in the ocean , adults were warming themselves in the sun , and Mom . . . was reading . I wanted to share this picture with you because this is a typical Judy VanKampen pose . Warm , lovely smile , reading glasses and monster book in her hands . Notice the title of the book - " Titan - the life of John D . Rockefeller . " Mom doesn 't tackle fiction books . She likes historical biographies and when she 's done , she never forgets what she read . She is a walking Brittanica Encyclopedia . When we travel with her we don 't need a guide , because she 's read a book on it , guides us with great ease , and is a bastion of information . We 're all glad she moved on to Rockefeller because we were getting worn out by her latest conquest , Genghis Khan . Before that she was into the founding fathers and we have all received copies of James Madison 's autobiography , amongst others . Actually , she just sent me her latest book craze ( yes , Rockefeller was so last year ) and it 's about 5 inches thick and I think it 's the first in , like , three , based on the history of the world by Winston Churchill , or someone like that . When I was younger , Mom taught women 's Bible study . She still teaches in her home today . Tuesday mornings was study and I can remember coming home from school on Tuesdays and all of Mom 's books were spread out across the kitchen table . It wasn 't left overs from study - she was getting ready for next week . She had her Bible , a few Posted by I need to start by thanking Beth for giving me all that extra time this morning . Secondly , I need to thank the rest of you for all the additional extra time I took from you . It was just one of those lessons - so much to read , so much to say , so much to show - didn 't want to save it for another day . For those of you who are not in the Genesis class , today we got through the flood and finished with that strange story of Noah and his sons , at the end of Genesis 9 . We won 't go through the Table of Nations , name by name , but we did mention it and will start up with the Tower of Babel in Genesis 10 next week . As we move away from Noah , I wanted to just give you a few of my wrap - up thoughts that I ran out of time for this morning . ( Do I not talk fast enough or what is up with that ? ) There are a lot of biblical parallels between the coming Day of the Lord , where Christ returns for His people to gather them to Himself and bring the wrath of His Father upon the world and what happened at the flood . Don 't miss the fact that the sin of man brought destruction upon the world at the flood . What the earth experienced was the wrath of God , in water form . Water is a highly destructive power - we all can attest to the damage on a very small scale that water can do to our homes and our properties ( right Laurie ? ) . God 's wrath literally destroyed the world and reshaped it , and after the flood , everything changed . Then He promised never to destroy the world again with water . The key to that phrase is the words " with water . " He 's going to destroy the world again , just not with water . We do have water damage in the world - flooding , hurricanes , typhoons , etc . but the entire world will not be completely devastated by a flood again . No , the next time He 'll use fire . II Peter 3 : 4 - 7 begins , " Where is the promise of His coming ? For ever since the fathers fell asleep , all continues just as it was from the beginning of creation . " This is what the world says today - we , as believers , can warn the world of pending judgment , just as Noah did , and thePosted by Yesterday my husband was asked to speak at a church where a friend from college is the pastor . He spoke from Habakkuk . Yep , that 's right - Habakkuk . When he started his message he said , " I hope by the end of this morning you 'll love Habakkuk as much as I do . " And guess what ? I think he accomplished what he set out to do . Habakkuk is a wonderful , overlooked little book , rich with wisdom and encouragement . If you 're interested in hearing his message , click here and pick the sermon by David Wisen . All this to say , as I sat , soaking in this little prophetic book , I became overwhelmed with a sense of joy for the Bible . Yeah , not overly profound , but as I sat there , the wonderfulness of the Word washed over me . So many different authors , so many years to write it , so many different audiences but one central theme - Jesus Christ . What a unique , wonderful Book ! It is the most translated , most read , most printed , most hated and most loved book in the history of the world . It speaks into astronomy , physics , medicine and biology . In contains history , poetry , patriotism , wisdom , short stories , prophecies , letters , and mounds and mounds of instruction . It has survived time , persecution and criticism . It is read by all age groups , all races and all social classes . It is life - changing . It is authoritative . It is well - written . It is inspiring and inspired . It reveals the heart of man , but more importantly , it reveals the heart of God . And I not only own one , I live by it . Or at least I try to - there is so much to learn , so much to glean , so much to know and so much to grasp , that sitting there listening to my husband teach about Habakkuk , I realized how little I know . Therefore , I want to thank the Lord for each day that I have to pour over His wonderful Word and soak up its richness . Wow . . . I need a nap . . . See you in the morning ! Kristen " But Noah found favor in the eyes of the Lord . . . " Genesis 6 : 8What exactly was the favor ( or grace ) that Noah found ? Was it the opportunity to build a monstrosity of a boat ? Was it the privilege of witnessing to a lost community with no converts ? Was it the joy of living on the water with your family in close proximity along with thousands of animals ? Was it living nearly 350 years after the earth was destroyed ? We find the answer to this question in the very next verse : " Noah was a righteous man , blameless in his time ; Noah walked with God . " Because of God 's grace extended toward Noah , he no longer identified with the sinfulness of his society but was separated from it - set apart from it - and was declared righteous . Here is the first consequence of his finding favor with God . Was Noah a really good guy ? Did God look down at man and decide that Noah was the best option ? We are actually told that when God looked at man , what He saw was that " every intent of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually . " So Noah fell in that category . But God , in His gracious mercy and wisdom , reached down , removed the blinders of sin from Noah 's eyes , revealed Himself to him in a mighty , life - changing way and applied the righteousness of His Son to Noah 's account . From Noah 's perspective , it was the promise of a payment , but that promise was made in eternity past , given in the garden and fully applied to Noah 's life . Therefore , Noah was a righteous man because of God 's favor . Noah was also blameless in his time . What in the world does this mean ? Again , this points to the righteousness of Christ . God did not prepare His wrath to pour out on Noah because when God looked at Noah , he saw a blameless record . It was as if he had never sinned . It was as if he had always obeyed . How can a man be blameless ? Was Noah sinless ? Of course not . He was blameless before God because he was covered with the righteousness of Christ . Noah was justified through the future sacrifice of Jesus , which God applied even before the fact because of the nPosted by Psalm 105 : 5 instructs us to " . . . Remember His wonders which He has done , His marvels and the judgments uttered by His mouth . . . " This is the next verse we are to put to memory - don 't give up , gals . . . keep working on it ! Studying Genesis is a great way to remember His wonders and His marvels , as well as look at His judgments . Has He ever uttered a judgment so far that hasn 't come true ? We know the curses at the fall are true . We know His counsel for depression is true . We know that He destroyed the earth , save Noah and his family - so that judgment was true . . . God is so NOT like us . . . He keeps His word and He only speaks truth . But what of His wonders ? Creation , salvation , grace , faith . . . we can see His wonders and His marvels in the first few verses of Genesis , let alone the first few chapters . I pray that this study is making Him larger in your life - you see His involvement , His heart , His hand throughout history . But what about the wonders in your own life ? We are instructed to " remember His wonders " - can you sit and list out His wonders and His marvels within the context of your own life ? I guess a better question might be , will you sit and list them out ? And what benefit comes from remembering His wonders ? It doesn 't take much , gals , just look around you . What do you see ? Can you see God in your every day life ? In your children ? In your home ? In your marriage ? In your church ? What is He doing ? We must live with the reality of His involvement , or we will never become more like Him . I put a picture on this entry that I took last winter from my deck . How can I possibly look at it and not see God ? How can this picture not draw my heart closer to Him , knowing that the Creator of the universe has done the most wonderful thing of all - saved a wretched sinner as I ? Noah found favor with this God . So did I . How wonderful is that ? Remember His wonders . . .
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Been busy . Christmas party . Eating . Am fat . Gonna get in shape now . Mom email me healthy food advice . Below is my quarterly report to OSU . Havent sent it yet . what yall think ? Oh I have a girlfriend now . Ayako , yeah . Well see . Arrival My flight to Japan proved to be incredibly straightforward . I left from Chicago , landed in Narita , bussed to Haneda , flew to Matsuyama , and was met by Tanaka - san and Fujita - san as I got off the plane . The entire trip took about 18 hours , and I managed to stay awake the entire time , so that I had no jet lag problems after about 2 days . When I arrived in Matsuyama , the enormity of my undertaking really struck me for the first time . They took me to eat in a restaurant that would have been very remarkable in America , but which I realized was just another restaurant in Japan . Fujita - san speaks very good English , but Tanaka - san does not , so making small talk in the car foreshadowed the months to come - generally speaking , I had to rely on my Japanese . To this day , that remains my greatest challenge here , but it gets easier every day . By the time we were on the road to Niihama , I was well fed and exhausted , prepared to start an exciting year . The next day , Tanaka - san and Fujita - san moved me into my apartment while a typhoon raged outside . Charlie had told me that the apartment looked pretty intimidating from outside , but that the inside was actually quite spacious and comfortable . I 'm happy to report that this is indeed the case - I fell in love with the apartment immediately , despite some reservations about the shower . I had my first day off to unpack , which I did while listening to the typhoon and trying not to sleep . Finally , my internship began in earnest . The first week was spent learning about Ichimiya 's structure and history - it also served as a harsh introduction to the difficulties of long - term communication exclusively in Japanese . Nakamoto - san and I spent a few days talking about the origins of Ichimiya , the relevance of Sumitomo , and the eventual birth of today 's Ichimiya Group . Some aspects I understood right away , whereas most details took a good deal of explaining before we reached a point of mutual understanding . Also that week , Fujita - san took me around town to introduce me to a few places and buy a few essentials - a bicycle , a futon , etc . That was the beginning of my exploration of Niihama - a task I would carry out every night , as well , using the Moped . That weekend , the Niihama Guide Club held a barbecue party for foreigners in Niihama . It was there that I was introduced to Charlie 's old friends , a crew of mostly English teachers from around town . As a result , I had a ready group of friends to spend time with on the weekends , people who were to show me things I would never have found on my moped . It was on Friday of that week that I learned a valuable lesson about hand - brakes on bikes and mopeds in Japan . In America , the right brake is the back wheel . Friday morning , on my way to work , I was on the moped and I had to stop suddenly . I pressed the right hand - brake and much to my chagrin found myself spiraling out of control . When the world stopped spinning , the moped was on top of me with the engine running and a crowd of high school girls was trying very hard not to laugh . Apparently in Japan , the right hand - brake controls the front tire . Lesson learned . Fortunately , the damage was limited to my clothing and a few bruises . The helmet protected my head , and the moped was undamaged . I took it to a repair shop just to make sure . September 's scheduled activities concluded with a few trips around Ehime with Tanaka - san and Fujita - san . We visited primarily Ichimiya companies , but took a bit of time for sight - seeing as well . The days were long , but I learned why every Japanese business office I have seen has a little table in the corner with a few chairs and a nearby coffee pot . Everywhere we went , I exchanged business cards with the relevant individuals and we made small talk over coffee for 10 minutes before a tour of the facilities and a question and answer session . The whole process seemed a little bit repetitive at first , but eventually I realized that that 's simply the way things work here . Now I look forward to a cup of green tea before the sightseeing process begins . The last week of the month saw me writing my September report . This was a lesson in overextension and linguistic ability . In my initial draft , I wrote about 20 pages of facts , opinions and aspirations . When Fujita - san returned the corrected copy to me , there was more red ink than black by a factor of about two to one . I could see that I had my work cut out for me . The revision of that report was process that lasted well into the middle October , and by the time I was finished I was determined not to make the same sort of mistake again . I came here with the sense that , having finished the fourth year Japanese language program at OSU , I would have command of the language at least enough to express myself in writing . That was an illusion that died with my first September report draft . In future reports I made sure to write at my level , to express things only as well as I knew how and not to use expressions or vocabulary of which I was uncertain . The last days of September brought with them a parting gift - specifically , a massive typhoon which flooded the office , destroyed a bridge near my apartment building and , due to the fact that I carelessly left my windows open that day , nearly ruined my apartment . After the typhoon , the entire building basically shut down for two days while we all labored to clear the parking lot , repair the first floor , salvage the basement and in general restore order to the office . It was difficult work , involving hours of manual labor carrying furniture , mud , or various combinations of the two out of many crevices - but the whole time , I was actually quite happy to be doing it , because for the first time since coming to Japan I did not feel hampered by any sort of a language barrier . I was just as able to carry destroyed desks as anyone else , and felt like a productive member of the team . In terms of typhoon damage and inconvenience , the biggest hit to my lifestyle was not my apartment or the days spent trudging around in the flooded basement of the office building . During the typhoon , Tanaka - san had driven me home in his car , as there would have been no way for me to get back by moped . The next day , the moped was useless , destroyed by the flooding of the center building . The days of exploring Niihama on the moped were over . When October started , it was me and my bike . October was dedicated to the Construction Block . Within the Construction Block are several companies and I was initially slated to split time between Ichimiya Construction and Ichimiya Kousan . However , due to the severe typhoon damage , my time with Ichimiya Kousan had to be postponed until January . I spent a week in the Construction Block , where I used their CAD software to design models of my parent 's house , my rental house in Columbus , and finally an ideal home where I would like to live . I rather enjoyed the CAD stuff , because I got to play around with a new computer program , but frankly a whole week of it became a bit tedious . Every time I finished a model they asked me to make a new one and every once in a while someone came over and said " Sugoi ! " However , I don 't mean to criticize anyone there . They all helped me with everything I needed , and I realize it was probably difficult to accommodate an intern a week after the terrible typhoon had disrupted everything . After my week in Ichimiya Construction came the Niihama Taiko Matsuri . This was at once exciting and exhausting , as I found myself trying to sleep at all hours of the day whenever the chance presented itself . First I went to see the Saijo Matsuri , where I wanted all of the Danjiri progress up a steep hill to a temple . They were all stunning , I 'd never seen anything like it , and it rather surprised me when I realized that the majority of people carrying them were drunk . This was the spirit of the event , however , to let loose and join your friends in carrying a massive wooden structure all over town . At one point , a Danjiri stumbled and looked like it wouldn 't make it up the hill . Inwardly , I must confess to not being too impressed . It didn 't look to be that difficult , so I couldn 't believe they were having problems carrying it . This was a sentiment I would be paying for in full . For three days after that , I myself helped to carry the Kitauchi neighborhood 's taiko all over Niihama , and before I say anything else , let me say that it is indeed heavy . Very heavy . The Saijo Danjiri are much smaller than Niihama 's taikos , but in Niihama 3 to 4 times as many people are used to carry them . On my first night , we climbed the hill to Uchimiya Shrine . It seems simple when expressed in a sentence like that , but the sheer ordeal involved in lugging a 2 ton drum up a hill which in my mind was at least 3 miles long cannot be conveyed in text . Every step was a struggle , and when we finally reached the top the sense of triumph was palpable . Ours was the first taiko up , and we waited for the other 3 to arrive so that the ceremony could begin . After that , we carried it back down ( another ordeal , almost unbelievable in retrospect , I really cannot even express how impressed I am with these people for doing this every year - and willingly ! ) and had breakfast . For the next few days , I joined in the various wanderings of this particular taiko , culminating in a competition in Yamane park , where several taiko gathered and danced around . The highlight of that day was the fight - I had heard that sometimes the various taikos fight , but I had assumed that this was some sort of ritualistic dance where everyone made scary faces and circled each other until one group got tired . Imagine my surprise , then , when the taiko to my left suddenly started moving faster than I had imagined a taiko could move , and rammed full - speed into the taiko that had rushed out to meet it . These two behemoths charged into each other at high speed repeatedly , and the violence and bloodlust only cooled when one float was more or less destroyed , its handles broken off and its structure - built of sturdy wood - pierced so full of holes that it was in danger of falling off . I was flabbergasted and impressed - and quite frankly , a little bit frightened . That much alcohol and competitive spirit in an environment where swift acts of violence met emphatic cheers from the spectators had me watching my back for a while . Another activity that ran throughout October was a small part - time job I had acquired for the Niihama Guide Club . They had a series of essays written by a famous Haiku poet about Niihama and Ehime , and they had translated it into English . My task was to proofread their translations and make them , quote , " beautiful and artistic . " I did this on the weekends all through October , and to be perfectly candid it was not easy . 30 pages of user manual for a computer program or something is one thing , but 30 pages of poetic prose with emphasis on subtlety was quite frankly very difficult . Everyone involved was very kind , and my efforts were rewarded with delicious meals and a very generous gift at the end of the process , but between the Typhoon and the Matsuri and the proofreading , October seems like a blur in retrospect . I got very little sleep , and some of my coworkers began to worry about my health . After that , I promised myself to be sure I was in bed by 11 on work nights and to make sure I left some time to unwind on the weekends . My final project in the Construction block was a day of sightseeing , where I was taken to a prison in Saijo that Ichimiya Construction was in the process of remodeling . There was nothing for me to do per se , and the supervisor was engaged in a busy meeting , but Kasahara - san and I looked around for ourselves and took pictures , occasionally asking nearby people to explain this or that . The day concluded with various stops at buildings that had been erected by Ichimiya Construction . November I spent interning at Nissen Chemical . This project had three basic parts . Sometimes , I would be taken sight - seeing , to visit various Chemical Block companies . On those days I would go with Fukushima - san , and it was basically the same sort of thing I had done with Fujita - san and Tanaka - san in September . The difference was , this time I was actually able to participate in the work at various factories - I made my own Hanko in the Takihama factory , I operated a press in the Touyo factory , etc . When I wasn 't traveling around , I was working in the main office translating the website . Apparently the Nissen website is about half - translated from a previous intern , so I did what I could with the rest . My plan , which I managed to complete , was to go through all of the untranslated sections at least once . Much of the terminology was highly technical and some of the grammar was beyond me , but I did manage by the end of November to get rough translations of the entire website . My last week in the Chemical Block was spent at the Seibujigyousho , where I participated in factory work . I had a different task more or less every day , and frankly , I hated it . Long hours on my feet doing mundane tasks left me physically and mentally exhausted by the end of every day , and I spent the entire week feeling that if I had wanted to do factory work , I would have gotten a similar job somewhere in the States . However , when the week was over , I noticed that it hadn 't killed me and that I had indeed learned a lot . I was later told that all new employees have to spend some time in the factories , as a sort of learning experience . There are many people in the Center Building , but the moral of the story is that without the people in the factories , the people in the offices would be stranded . When all was said and done , my resentment dissipated and I realized that I had learned a few valuable lessons . Early in November , I participated in the ICA seminar in Okayama . I went as an English teacher , and spent the majority of the seminar time listening to their presentations and compiling vocabulary lists on my laptop . My " class " was the first thing on the agenda on Sunday morning , and I spoke with them for about an hour about prepositions . I hadn 't been sure at first what to teach a group of 13 employees with varying competency in English , but then I realized that most of my friends in Niihama were English teachers . I asked around for some advice , and one of my friends suggested I talk about prepositions because it is an easy subject to get people to understand and from there to use . My lesson , then , was basically to show them photographs from The Last Samurai and ask them , one at a time , " Where is Tom Cruise ? " Their responses ranged from " On a horse " to " In a movie " to " On the Screen , " and everyone was able to participate . The highlight of November actually started inauspiciously . I woke up feeling terrible one morning . I went to take a shower when I realized to my dismay that the water heater was broken . Between the feeling of illness and the inability to even wash , I had doubts as to what kind of day I was going to have . When I called Fujita - san to explain the situation she told me I could take the day off , and that she would send someone over to look at the shower . When the repairman came , he told me that it was indeed broken , and that if I didn 't mind they would like to install a shower with running hot water instead of my current cold - water - and - a - heater system . I was ecstatic , of course , as my mornings would from there on out be exponentially more convenient . With the inclusion of a hot - water shower , my apartment became everything I could ask for . December marks the last month of my tour of the Ichimiya blocks . I spent the month in the Transportation and Logistics block , and by this time was an old hand at doing the intern thing . This time around , I spent only three days in the office . The first day , Isshiki - san and Ozaki - san explained the company history and the organization of the block , and then the other two days we visited various companies with ties to the Ichimiya Transportation and Logistics block . The highlight of this sightseeing was the trip to Anchorage Marina ; this came on the tail end of a very long day . We had driven out to Matsuyama and visited the Distribution center , the I - LOT warehouse , Item - Ehime , etc , and our last stop on the way home was the Marina . I was quite tired , and I was rather surprised when we got there . The guy in charge just said " This is a Marina . You have those in the states , too . Let 's go ride the boat . " I had a lot of fun . We basically cruised around Matsuyama harbor for an hour and a half - he even let me drive for a while . I probably looked like an excited little kid , but that 's how I felt . It would be great if there was some way I could intern out there , I would love to learn all about boats , but Hojo City is a bit of a commute . After my three days of sightseeing , I spent two weeks in the Shikoku Distribution Center , doing warehouse work . I was actually dreading this , given my time in the Chemical factory , but it turned out to be a different environment altogether . The first week in the warehouse , I was packing beer . The procedure was very straightforward - we put two cases of beer and a box of mochi into a cardboard box , taped it shut , and did it again . In the course of that week I must have had my hands on tens of thousands of cans of Asahi beer . To be honest , I almost enjoyed the week with the beer - I liked working with everyone else on the line , and it was a completely different environment from the chemical factory . Everyone was really friendly , we joked around a lot and when we were working it was a matter of doing everything efficiently so that everyone else could do their job efficiently . The only thing I really hated about the beer packing job was all the dust in the air . I have had pretty severe allergies since coming to Niihama , and spending a week breathing cardboard dust left me with an agonizing headache and difficulty breathing for a few days when I was done . The second week at the distribution center I spent in the freezer warehouse . The workload there was frankly minimal - every once in a while I would go in and wrap a stack of crates in plastic , or help push things into a truck , but 90 % of the work there required the use of forklifts and I don 't have a Japanese forklift license . The result was that I spent a lot of time talking to people in the warehouse office . They were all very interested in America and American life , and a favorite game of theirs was trying to come up with some sort of Japanese food I would refuse to eat . The only thing they found that I hesitated about was namako , sea slug , but that just made me determined to try it . The other thing that happened in November was the I ' LL cooking class . Fujita - san had been looking for a cooking teacher for her I ' LL group so that they could make a Christmas dinner , and I mentioned that my friend Pat is a very good cook . One thing led to another and this month Pat led the charge into a Roast Beef dinner , complete with Mashed Potatoes , a salad , and hot apple pie with ice cream . It was delicious . And that brings us to today . As of this writing , I have completed three months of internship and am back in the main office writing reports and finishing out the year . From here on out , I need to decide where to spend the rest of my year . As I wrote above , I think somehow working at the Marina would be my ideal pick , but it seems unlikely . I am leaning towards the chemical block , because I really liked the people and atmosphere there , but I 'm not really sure what kind of work I could be doing . Translating a website only takes so long . And that sums up the company end of this report . I 'd like to also take a few pages to talk about various odds and ends , a more general impression of Japan and my life here . The most relevant issue , of course , is the Japanese language . I am taking lessons twice a week at 90 minutes a lesson , and am learning a lot . I also watch Japanese movies , read Manga , and play Japanese video games . However , my language training has been really hampered so far by the fact that most of my friends here speak English . At work , of course , it is a Japanese environment , but then I go home and it 's English in almost every social setting . I 've started hanging out with more Japanese people now , so that should start to change , but it got me off to rather a slow start . I had expected my biggest problem here to be a language barrier keeping me from interacting with almost anyone - instead , it turned out to be the prevalence of English in my daily life . In terms of Japanese language , I do have one suggestion for the internship program . In December is the Japanese Proficiency Test , and I think it would be great to be able to take it , but the deadline to sign up is in early September . At that time , I was still getting my bearings . Charlie had mentioned it in passing , but I really didn 't know where to begin and kind of lost track of it . Perhaps it would be beneficial for future interns if the test application were provided prior to departure - optionally of course , but as something to be taken care of before the hectic lifestyle change . In terms of cultural immersion , I have been having a great time . Between the Matsuri and Mochi - making and travel around Shikoku , I 'm getting to see many sides of Japan . I had been really looking forward to studying Kendo here , as well , but so far that has proven to be very difficult . I found a dojo , and practiced regularly at first , but a variety of factors made that too difficult to keep up . Practice is either at 6am or 6pm three days a week , and when I had my moped it was easy enough to get home from work , change , and rush down to the dojo . Now , though , the after - work practice is very difficult for me to get to on time - assuming I leave at five , I still need 20 minutes to bike home , change , and then bike back carrying my gear . I did that for a while , but frankly it was just too tiring . The morning practice would be a good choice , but the teacher comes only occasionally . If the teacher is not there , nobody can unlock the shower , and I hardly want to practice kendo for an hour and then go to work without showering . So in the end , that has proven to be a bit of a disappointment - however , my Japanese teacher recently informed me there is kendo practice at an elementary school near my apartment . I need to check their schedule , but perhaps I can practice kendo here after all . One skill I have been working on diligently is cooking . When I got here , I used to eat bentos from the convenience store pretty regularly . Now , though , I cook frequently , for myself and for friends , and really enjoy it . I am going to enroll in a cooking class with a friend of mine next month . All in all , my experience here has been overwhelmingly positive , though not at all what I expected . I had planned to become fluent in Japanese in about 3 weeks time and learn all of the kanji by Christmas , to maintain a busy schedule with time for work , kendo , and a good amount of socializing , and to travel all over the country every weekend . In reality , the language is very difficult , and switching from a college definition of busy schedule to a working - world definition of the same is really rather draining . My weekends I generally spend recuperating from the week , though the 8 to 5 gets easier every day , and travel takes more time and money than I find myself able to commit . I make it out to Matsuyama now and again , and will go to Osaka for New Year , but I 'm not sure when I will be able to go to Kyoto or Tokyo . In that sense , this trip has been vaguely disappointing - but I have found pleasant surprises elsewhere . I never expected to get into cooking , I really enjoy just poking around the back streets of Niihama , I absolutely love my apartment and I have met many incredibly interesting people . My education and insights are various , and I am keeping a detailed personal log of my trip . While my spoken Japanese is improving pretty slowly so far , I can read many more kanji than I expected to be able to , thanks mostly in part to Manga and video games , I suspect . Before I left I knew that this trip would be basically the experience of a lifetime , and I am glad to report that it is shaping up as planned . I have had my share of hardships and disappointments , but that was expected . I know now that learning a language doesn 't happen overnight , even when living abroad . The real value of this trip has been to show me a side of m # posted by Mykola : 00 : 55
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I am pleased to have Susan Tolles as my guest blogger today . Susan is an Expert in Midlife Reinventions who inspires and equips women around the world to flourish inside and out . As a website creator , published author , speaker and life coach , Susan helps women celebrate and enrich their true inner and outer beauty as they age with grace and vitality . Her website FlourishOver50 . com , viewed by thousands of women globally each month , provides the resources and tools to make the second half of their lives their best . Susan lives in Austin , Texas , has been married for over 33 years and has three incredible children . She has worn many hats in her life and has personally experienced her own amazing midlife transformation , proving that it is never too late to discover your purpose and follow your dreams . Visit Susan 's websites : www . FlourishOver50 . com and www . MyPowerfulMe . com Reinvention for Women Over 50 Women over 50 are changing themselves along with the world . Retirement is not even on their radar , and they are not going to stay home , go to book club , play bridge and watch the world go by as their mothers did at this age . That will come much later . Now , they are reinventing themselves for something better and taking on life with a new spirit and tenacity that is making them more visible , giving them new confidence and bringing excitement into what was once a dull life - stage for women their age . But how do they do it ? How do women over 50 reclaim their " identity " after the empty nest ? What does it take for a midlife woman to take a big leap of faith to leave a career she has had for years in order to do something she really loves to do ? As I experienced my own do - over , a woman 's reinvention brought on by her own " midlife crisis " can be summed up in three phases : I 'm done . A woman in her 50 ′ s realizes that she has been focusing on others for so long , saying yes to everything out of obligation , while carrying unfulfilled dreams deep in her soul . She must say " I 'm done ! " then give herself permission to focus on herself for a change . Forgiveness and overcoming guilt are also important parts of this step . Now what ? Once she is truly " done " with looking at the past , it is time for her to reconnect with her passions , to discover her new life purpose , and to set some goals for herself that will make her stretch . It is time for her to empower herself with a plan for an extraordinary future as she looks forward to the next few decades . For this woman over 50 , the possibilities are endless , and she embraces change with enthusiasm . Kick butt ! With her newfound " Joie de vivre " the woman over 50 is taking on the world with a fierce determination that she will not be considered old , that she will look and feel her very best , and that the best years are yet to come . She has a renewed energy as she " kick 's butt " wearing stilettos instead of house slippers , choosing networking luncheons over afternoon bridge club . She is creating a life for herself doing the things she loves to do , allowing herself to be creative about her future . This fearless midlife woman takes care of her own needs , instead of being on the bottom of her to - do list , knowing that she will be a much better person in every area if she is continuing to explore the possibilities and grow . Yes , even a woman can experience a midlife crisis stage , often brought on by a deep realization that her life is half over and now it is time to focus on what is truly important . Her needs are not satisfied by purchasing material things , but instead are rooted in a deep desire to do something meaningful with her life , to leave a legacy that reaches beyond her children , and to reach thIf you are over 50 and longing to live with more passion and purpose , here are a few steps to get you started on your own reinvention . Make a list of the things you are passionate about , the things that " light your fire . " Make a list of your gifts and skills . Ask others to help you if you get stuck . Make another list of the things you DON ' T want to do any more . Picture yourself at 90 years old , telling your great - grandchildren about your life . What are you most proud of in the last 40 years ? What do you want to be remembered for ? Write a life purpose statement for yourself , including what you want to do ( see the first two points above ) and who you want to impact Make a list of goals that will stretch you and make you grow Surround yourself with cheerleaders who will support you along the way Celebrate your newfound enthusiasm ! If you need a little extra encouragement or help with strategizing , please contact me at Susan @ FlourishOver50 . com . There is a standing joke here in the northwest corner of Oregon that all roads lead to Vernonia . I don 't why that is so because let me tell you Vernonia is not the cultural center of the western world . The small community lays claim to the only hardware store I know of that sells liquor and has a big sign in front to prove it . Hardware and Liquor Store it says proudly . I don 't know about you but in my world power tools and liquor should not be combined even in a sentence . But there it is . . . right at the end of main street in Vernonia . When you are traveling west toward the Pacific Ocean you can start in the center of Portland and make the decision which way you want to go . . . north along the Columbia River or a little further south on the Sunset Highway . Either way you are going to see signs sending you to Vernonia . It is just weird . The little community has a main street about three blocks long , the beautiful Nahalem River runs just at the edge of town and every lawn is cut to the perfect length . Driving over this back road north and south through the coast range is one of the most delightful drives you can make . Even though the logging industry has scalped many of the ridges bare there are miles of lush fern laden rain forest to satisfy anyone 's need for green . I suppose a person should go that way before there is nothing left but stumps on every hillside because a great deal of the land is owned by the logging industry . So where is Vernonia ? Well I think it is in the middle of everywhere . From Portland it is halfway to the coast . From the coast it is halfway to Portland . From the Columbia River it is halfway to the Sunset Highway . From the Sunset it is halfway to four places along the Columbia . A road from Vernonia north can take you to Claskinie , another to St . Helens , yet another to Ranier , or yet another to Scappose . Yes there are four different roads because it is true . Here in northwest Oregon all roads lead to and from Vernonia . So there you have it . Another backroad drive with a hardware / liquor store thrown in for good measure . I have been reading Twain 's Innocents Abroad this last week . I was prompted to do so after deciding to follow 1 Book in 140 Characters ( # 1book140 ) on twitter . It is a book club for people from around the world . Their last read was Mark Twain 's book . Click image The Innocents Abroad , or The New Pilgrims ' Progress is a travel book by American author Mark Twain published in 1869 which humorously chronicles what Twain called his " Great Pleasure Excursion " on board the chartered vessel Quaker City ( formerlyUSS Quaker City ) through Europe and the Holy Land with a group of American travelers in 1867 . It was the best selling of Twain 's works during his lifetime and one of the best selling travel books of all time . ( wikipedia ) . If you have ever taken a trip that you thought of as " a great adventure " you could relate to every word Train has written . Everything from his description of the over zealous journal writers to the euphoria a traveler experiences when visiting a exotic foreign country for the first time . . . it is all there . Nothing , really , nothing has changed since 1867 . It was the section on the " Old Traveler " that brought me to tears . I didn 't know if I was laughing because I thought it was funny or laughing because I might have recognized myself in his words . He said : But we love the Old Travelers . . . . they open their throttle valves , and how they do brag and swell . . . . But still I love the Old Travelers , I love them for their witless platitudes , for their supernatural ability to bore , [ and for ] their delightful asinine vanity . . . . When Twain used words like asinine and vanity and their central aim is to subjugate you I realized that it could be that I love talking about my travels a lot more than you enjoy listening . If that is true , it is not a good thing ! Still I need you to know I probably won 't stop because talking about travel is part of my blogging journey . I may feel sorry for you just a little but it won 't make any difference . Just shoot me now ! Smile . Please read this book if you have not already . I is just a wonderful today as it was in 1867 ! You can download it free from Amazon or read it online . I am sorry but I have been married for 51 years and all of these years I truly believed that the " housekeeping fairy " was going to come and clean up the mess . Hence the mess ! Now I am 70 and fully aware that there is no such thing as a " housekeeping fairy " . My husband just told me night before last . Imagine my disappointment . I mean it was hard for him too . . . breaking the bad new and all but still , I am the one that really was shocked . After a little thought I had the courage to say , " Well , I guess we are going to have to share the chores around here . If the housekeeping fairy is not coming , someone is going to need to scrub toilets and clean up dishes . " It turns out , he does the yard / garage and I have been give a very special job . I will be doing the fairy jobs from now on . . . . darn ! Here is the thing . . . we are doing three jobs at once . That sort of thing was hard 30 years ago but now we are in our 70 's and it turns out nothing has changed ! It is still hard work . We are like butterflies flitting from bush to bush . Maybe that explains why I am happy ! We are : Painting son 's condo ceiling . . . big leak stained open floor plan lower level . There is at least 700 square feet of surface . Ceiling white did not cover with one coat . It is a pain in the neck . . . a real pain in the neck . Working on a flag stone patio . It is half finished and stones are stacked waiting for us to finish the job . Our new cork floor has arrived and the boxes are stored under our bed so they can warm up . My husband is measuring and planning . Cinderella 's Ballerina Slipper ? GIFT ITEM FROM GIFT BOOMER On top of all that , I have added two components to my blogging routine . A new blog was opened last week featuring nothing but gifts . . . Gift Boomer was an idea I hatched in the night . This way I can shop for you . A new gift idea appears everyday . My market is YOU . . . you heard me . Everything I pick is something a grown up would want . If you are a grandparents that has visiting grandchildren , I have ideas for you too . I hope you take a look . If you see something you like click the link and see if it might be just what you want . A newspaper has been added to my expanding online world . Retire In Style Daily News features small snippets of articles my twitter followers have posted . It is generated automatically by Paper . li but I edit what I want and don 't want my readers to see . If you are interested in the possibility of being featured , follow me at barbblogtwits and send me your articles on twitter to @ barbblogtwits . NEW PHOTOGRAPHY APP . . . JUST BECAUSE I DON ' T HAVE ENOUGH TO DO I bought Snapseed for my desktop computer today . I use this app on my ipad and love , love it . If you like to fiddle around with your pictures , I think the $ 19 . 95 is worth your money . It is a lot of fun ! The doggone ants have moved into my house and are driving me nuts . Yes I am clean and no I don 't leave food crumbs around . I may have to call an exterminator if things don 't get better . Oh by the way ants don 't like the rain either . They move inside in the droves on a misty day ! Yuck ! this stage in life , including health , finances , work , leisure and caregiving . We 're most excited about the Work & Purpose section . Encore . org is contributing stories about even one bit . He is probably more interested in growing and learning and being better and doing it for a very long time . That is what I feel Next Avenue and Encore is offering . . . an avenue to the next beginning on Did I tell you that I needed to practice driving when I returned to Portland ? It seems that my husband had driven all winter in Arizona and even when I do drive down there . it is very easy . Driving in the Portland Metro area is not . I told my children about this because I wanted them to know . It is a worry for me . I guess that is why this article on BlogHer hit a nerve . It was called Taking Away Mom 's Keys . The story went like this : Sandra Tyler is a writer and owns a blog called A Writer Weaves a Tale . Tyler wrote this morning about her mother . Her mother , age 93 , was summoned to the Motor Vehicle Department because they felt the need to see if her driving skills were up to par . After being tested for her skills while driving , the elderly woman lost her license because her driving scared the tester so badly it made her ill . The old woman pleaded for her freedom to drive . " I don 't go far . But I need to go up this block , turn right , then a left here to get my mail and groceries . " she told the official at the DMV Window 22 . The daughter saw her mother humiliated in public and still faced the problem of taking away her car keys . The question left hanging in the air was at what age do seniors need to give up driving ? I could only think about the day I myself face the dreaded official tending Window # 22 at the DMV . Earlier this winter I wrote a post about starting the conversation with my children about my diminishing skills as I age . I was thinking that there were things my children and I needed to discuss now and not later . It was called 5 Conversation Starters with My Children . The third item on that list was : 3 . How will you handle " traveling problems " if they should occur ? This may include a discussion about whether we should even drive . ( I also had in mind traveling with a suitcase overseas . ) If I were asked by a younger person how to handle the awkward situations they are going to face in the future with their parents , the two pieces of advice I would give them would be . . . . Treat your parents like respected elders at all times Start the discussions early . For example , don 't wait until the day arrives when Mom or Dad cannot drive anymore . Talk about that dreaded day now . You will not regret it . You see , aging parents know when their driving skills are going south and it scares them too . They are afraid they will hurt someone and they are afraid of a world where they are isolated because they cannot drive . Parents also know when they should not live alone without assistance and when they need help with their finances . The real problem is that they have never talked about it with their children so no one knows how the others feel . I am sure it must be a horrible feeling for everyone . The ship is sinking and the children cannot talk the parent into getting in the lifeboat . They should have had a safety plan before they were set adrift at sea . Start the conversations now , talk often and sincerely about worries and above all , keep a good sense of humor . It will get you through many a very rough spot . So there you have it . . . from the lips of a real expert . Well , just in case you were wondering , I did add @ 1book140 to my Twitter likes and downloaded the latest selection , Mark Twains The Innocents Abroad ( published 1869 ) , onto my Kindle . . . it cost me $ 0 . Now I am reading this hilarious story about a person going on a trans - Atlantic voyage to the Holy Land in what I visualize as a tin bucket ocean liner . Only an innocent sucker would have bought the speel given by the travel agent promoting the tour in the first place and it only gets better . Mark Twain where ever you are , was that you ? I have two other books on the Kindle that I am reading too . Ann Tyler is one of my favorite authors so it is no surprise that I am reading The Beginner 's Goodbye . The book was chosen as one of Amazon 's best for 2012 . Ann Tyler 's books are always a bit like reading a very grown up version of the children 's book James and the Giant Peach . If you remember Jame 's parents were killed by an escaped animal from the zoo while in their car in the very first chapter . Then a giant peach began growing in the backyard of his pointy Aunt 's backyard . And so it goes . Tyler 's books begin with a very real and totally possible tragedy ( no zoo animals yet ) . The author then carries the reader along as she follows the character step by step listening and watching as they put their life back together . Not surprisingly , humor , dark but funny , fill the pages . Very much like Roald Dalh 's children 's book . The Amazon review for The Beginner 's Goodbye said : " The strangest thing about my wife 's return from the dead was how other people reacted . " So begins Anne Tyler 's new novel , which documents the days of Aaron Woolcott after the unexpected loss of his wife , Dorothy . And as arresting as the first sentence is , it 's also a bit worrying . So many clichés could follow . Will Aaron resolve his grief through poetic moonlit walks with the apparition of his lost wife ? Thankfully , this is Anne Tyler . And the ghost of Dorothy , like all Tyler 's characters , has a kind of rich , eccentric depth that sits opposite to the expected . Aaron 's recovery after his wife 's death conveys all the subtle hallmarks of Tyler 's style , where a flawed man must learn how to do a very difficult thing - - say a final goodbye . - - Benjamin Moebius I have also bought and downloaded A Visit from the Goon Squad and don 't really know why . I don 't particularly like the characters or the way the books is written . In fact , I probably will not wrap my mind around what I 've read even after I am done . But , I keep going with the hope that it will all finally click or there will be a character I can care about . See , this is one of the bad things about an ebook . . . I miss the fly leaf and the information on the back cover . They are like CliffNotes for the confused reader and it seems I need a lot of help . The @ 1book140 Book Club The Twitter / The Atlantic book club ( previous post here ) is very interesting . I followed the Twitter account @ 1book140 and found a link to The Atlantic to get directions for belonging . It is all about the slash mark ( # ) . For example , # 1book140 takes the member tweeter to the discussion page for the club in general . # 1b140 _ 1 takes them to discussions on the first chapter in the book . It appears they are on Chapter 2 . There is a one rule . . . # 1 - If a member gives the ending away or talks about Chapter 3 before the club says they can , they get themselves kicked out of the club . Pretty simple . We have a granddaughter graduating next month . Thankfully we are near to her so we can celebrate this big occasion with our family . We are very proud of her . She has scored a big scholarship at Oregon State University so her financial load has been reduced significantly . Now comes the big decisions about what gift to give . That part is always hard . Free Postage Here is a little money saving tip for you . . . free postage ! If your graduation / Father 's Day gift needs to travel across the miles , you know that the postage can be almost as much as the gift itself AND the post office can make getting it there very difficult . ( See earlier post . . The Post Office and Me ) Thankfully , all those bad post office days are behind me . I am now a converted online shopper . I even signed up to be an Amazon associate . It seems that they provide free shipping on a lot of their items and even have a way to pay for a year 's worth of shipping with one fee on Amazon Prime . I can tell you now that no matter who I order from online now , the shipping needs to be free . I plan ahead so I am not in a rush and pretend I am standing at the giftee 's front door on the day it arrives . I have a slide show I posted over at my Gift Boomer blog and in the sidebar of this blog . A lot of the items shown there have free shipping or the user can get the Amazon Prime membership with a free trial offer . . . just in time for graduation or Father 's Day . Taxes Made Invisible I know tax season is over but now it is time to begin thinking about next year if you haven 't already . I have always hated that I needed to begin planning for next year right in the middle of preparing last years forms . There is no getting around it though . We have always donated to charity and within the last few years have donated thousands of dollars worth of personal belongings to local thrift stores . We have downsized a couple of times . We were about half way through before we discovered that there are websites that help you determine the worth of what you have donated . The only thing is you need to itemize everything you give away and keep the list updated . Just follow the rules and begin keeping track . . . really folks you need to keep the list because you will be surprised how much money this can save you . We can vouch for this . Oddity Central Ever wondered where all those emails come from with a cat riding a bicycle or the baby playing Mozart ? Well this may be the place . Oddity Central not only tells about the oddity but they provide photographic proof that what they say if true . I know photo editing is a possibility but even at that it is a fun place to visit . This morning I noticed an article about camel jumping . And we though flying cars through the air was a novel idea . It turns out nothing under the sun is new or original . . . it all began with camels . I saw something in my Retire In Style Daily News that made me hyper ventilate . It was story that was on twitter tday and had been put up by one the people I follow . It seems a book club run by Jeff Howe , an assistant professor of journalism at Northeastern University using twitter has over 64 , 000 members , never adjourns and has members all over the world . He decided to begin the club by setting up a twitter account and inviting the world to choose a book to read and then share their thoughts chapter by chapter by tweeting to the world . He formed a partnership with Atlantic magazine , chose a genre and let tweeters to nominate books . The partnership then narrows the list down to 6 and the membership votes for their favorite . The whole thing just fascinated me . The idea that people from around the world would all read the same book and discuss their thoughts all using 140 characters is wonderful . By talking about the book we are all brought together ! In fact the idea was actually born in Seattle out of an idea that the city would all have something in common if they read the same book . One City One Book programs take the idea of a localized book discussion club and expand it to cover a whole city . [ 2 ] The first such program was " If All of Seattle Read the Same Book " in 1998 , started by Nancy Pearl at Seattle Public Library 's Washington Center for the Book . [ 3 ] The book chosen for the program was ' The Sweet Hereafter ' by Russell Banks , written in 1991 . [ 4 ] Other cities copied the idea , and the Library of Congress listed 404 programs occurring in 2007 . [ 1 ] ( Wikipedia ) The twitter name is 1book140 , the NYT Article is called Books With 140 Characters . I know what , let 's all do it . I love it when a neighborhood , city , or the world all have one thing in common that we can talk about . And if it is a good book , isn 't that even better ? Doesn 't it just sound like a lot of fun ? Note : I have used the same hairdresser for 15 years . Why ? Because we both love to read books and can talk about them while I sit in the chair . Isn 't that wonderful ? I don 't know when you were out on a date with your spouse last but I bet you gave some thought to how you looked . Just the word " date " conjures up images of a new dress or shoes . It might even be the occasion that has you looking for a new hairdo or a day at the spa . This is what Turbotax had to say : Dating can be expensive . Whether you plan to go out on a simple date to see the latest movie like Battleship staring Rihanna or to a Lady Gaga concert , the price you pay to impress your date can set you back quite a bit . Hopefully you held on to some of your tax refund if you plan to wine and dine that special someone , since a simple night out can cost you over $ 200 . 00 in some cities . Check out our infographic to see how much a " ( not so ) cheap date " cost in cities around the world . I loved this infographic . Maybe we should rethink what we spend on clothes . Make that date pay for the good stuff instead . Smile ! So at what age do your children outgrow the need for financial help ? It may be older than you think . Recent research indicates that a whopping 93 percent of Americans who are a part of the baby boomer generation have provided some sort of financial help to their grown Gen X or Gen Y children . This is just to make you think . When does the Parent 's Check Book Voucher expire ? Are parents forever the go to people when things get tough ? Would things even get tough if there was no parental open checkbook . . . do children get in a financial bind because they know the parents will help them out ? You tell me . I write a blog online and I make a little money when people place ads in my sidebar for financial services or pay for a link to a business in a guest post . In order to do what I do I belong to social websites like Linkedin , twitter and Facebook . They are necessary . As a result I get contacted by a wide variety of people that earn a living online . It is as though I own a store and they want to place their product on my shelves . That is not what I expected to happen with this blog but that is how it has evolved . This morning I was contacted by two websites that were related in a small way . They were both related to money . . . not big money , or insurance . These websites are focused on people that love to have a little extra cash in their pockets . One person owns a website called Dollar Stretcher . This business is in my Linkedin contacts . You will find information on everything from economical travel to buying and selling a house . One stop shopping . . . my idea of a very good idea ! The second was from a website called Junk Car Buyers . I know ! This one made me smile . But here is the thing . . . it may be just the service you are needing . If you have a car you have inherited but just won 't start or a car you never use , what do you do ? Well , I guess you call Junk Car Buyers and they will give you some cash AND take the thing away . I love it when a charity or a buyer not only wants my stuff but actually shows up and carts it away . I don 't know anyone personally that has a junk car parked in their drive or the vacant lot out back but maybe you do . Sometimes an aging person needs to be reassured that taking a risk is worth the cost . I have always worried about the cost to my children if I were to make a bad choice . Would the risk be worth the resulting problem ? That is what a post written by Patrick Roden over at Aging in Place did for me . The story was called The Up - side Risk of Aging in Place . Dr . Roden reminded me that life is a risk . Young or old , we know that being alive and leaving our bed is risky . It always will be . Why is this on my mind today ? Well , my daughter 's mother - in - law , Darlene , was moved into her home on Friday to live out the remaining days of her life . She is suffering from cancer and in hospice care . She is 84 years old . But that is not the story . The story is about this beautiful woman that is blind , widowed for 35 years and independent . Her son , now 50 , is sharing his home with her because he was raised with an example of courage and risk taking on the up - side . In Darlene 's case she lived alone in the house her husband had just completed when he suffered a heart attack . Her son lived 40 miles away and her daughter lives in the midwest . When her blindness and a heart condition began to be a real problem and she could not shop anymore , she moved to a 55 + retirement community that provided meals . She had her own apartment , continued to wash her own clothes and took care of her own daily needs . He grandson sorted her pills each week . She attended church , played bingo and sat at a dinner table with people she enjoyed . Her days were full because she ventured out as much as she could and took some risks . When this final illness came to call , her children did not rush in and take control . They talked with her in the company of her pastor and the hospitalist . She was treated like an adult and given choices that they could all live with . Even at this stage , in her son and daughter - in - laws home , she is taking a risk . The children and grandchildren will all be better for having come together at this very difficult time . My point here is that we set an example in every stage of our life . The choices we make are reflected back on us in so many ways . Aging in place has it 's risks and there are those that feel we should not ever put ourselves at risk by aging in place because we might fall or become ill in our own home . The commonly held thought is that parents and children switch roles and the parent becomes the child . I am here to say NO ! Please don 't do that . Adult old people may make some bad decisions or fall or even get a little lost in the city . But who among us does not do those things ? They are not children even though they may need your help . They are adults doing what they have always done . . . taking risks and living . AARP recommends that we volunteer whenever possible . I know that many retirees give time to their churches , schools and communities across the country . If you are one of those people , here is something you may not have heard about . There is an organization called Tech Soup that finds partners willing to donate technology nonprofits and libraries . At TechSoup , nonprofits and libraries can request and receive technology products donated by TechSoup partners , and they can find tech - focused content and community tuned to their needs . We 're a nonprofit with a clear focus : to make it as easy as possible for other nonprofits and libraries to obtain and use the technologies they need to achieve their goals . As part of that mission , we provide access to over 400 products donated by more than 40 companies - including donor partners like Microsoft , Adobe , Cisco , Intuit , and Symantec . Twitter : https : / / twitter . com / # ! / TechSoup I have been a follower of this group for quite a while . I am always very interested in the service they give to organization . You really should take the time to look their webpage over and see if there is anything they can do for you . At the very least , pass the word along . This is a very good thing . Knowing what to get for Mother 's Day can always be a problem . You cannot get the perfect gift until you ask yourself what your mother or grandmother is really like . You are going to want a different gift for the active woman than you are for the aging grandmother . One size does not fit all . My husband shared a picture a friend had sent him . It was a family photo taken 60 years ago . Front and center stood the grandmother in her dark suit , corsage at the shoulder , and sensible shoes . The bun we could not see but knew was there was covered by a black hat and a veil . The stern look on her face told us that she was not to be trifled with and her face was sunken telling a tale of false teeth and yearning for corn on the cob . She was the quintessential grandmother of her era . There are very few like her left in this day and age . But what does a mother / grandmother look like today . . . is she working , retired , beautiful and stylish , fit and mentally active ? You tell me . Mother 's Day is next Sunday and grandmothers / mothers are on our mind . If you are going to find the gift or attention that fits that person in your life , you need to know who she really is . You tell me . . . what is your mother / grandmother like ? Give it some thought so the gift you give fits the person you are giving to . Z : I 've got to believe there 's something out there better than this . Otherwise I 'll just curl up into a larval position and weep . Quote from Antz My husband shares his house with me , a cat named RV and a million tiny black sugar ants . He will let the cat and I stay but the ants . . . I think not . I just want them to go away and not cost us a lot of money . Am I asking too much ? As ants go , these are not the worst I have every lived with . We had big black wood ants in our last house . . . the kind that eat walls and trees . At least these are small , black and can hide fast . We hardly even notice they are there unless they are crawling on our skin . Which brings me to the important question of the day . . . how do you get rid of these little creepy crawly little critters ? We have cleaned counters , under the counter and places that have never been cleaned . We have spread anti - ant crystals around the outside of the house and I vacuum more than is really necessary . We set ant traps on important surfaces . But they just continue to invade our space . I am really not very excited about spraying most surfaces in the house but maybe that is what we are going to have to do . My last choice will be an exterminator . It is kind of sad because I am even talking about the ants like they are friendly aliens and only visiting for a while . If they would just go away we would not have to murder them . Darn ! I laughed when Blue Orchid wrote the guest blog about receiving his AARP invitation when he was 48 years old . His decision to pass on the kind offer seemed right considering his age , how long we will live , and the cheesy gift AARP was offering . But I laughed even harder when my husband got his invitation in the newspaper this last Sunday . . . . he is 74 ! Did the invitation get lost in the mail ? You know , a person could get their feelings hurt . Eleanor RooseveltRead more There are two sides to every coin . There is not a right side nor is there any wrong side . Just two sides . . . opposite and equal . The coin I tossed in the air this week was the one with work ( for financial gain ) on one side and play on the other . Here is how it went . . . I have always know that I do things because I can see a reward of some kind . I clean because I like the satisfaction of a task completed . I plant flowers because I love flowers in bloom . I take care of my grandchildren and children because I love them . And I write this blog because it is a way that I can express myself creatively . All of these things are much like eating my dinner . . . I need them to feed myself in some way . But I ask myself occasionally about how much is fun and when does it become like a job I don 't want to do . The yard can become a chore , too much child care can wear me down and sometimes I just don 't care if my house is clean or not . Most of these things I do by choice because they give me joy . Even this blog , my hobby and creative need , can begin to look like a job . Is that good ? I don 't know . It seems that it is all in how we describe a job . Is a job something that needs to be done or is it something that pays money so we can live . In my world it is the latter . And this blog is working for me financially . Within the last year I have started to earn some money for writing and for the use of my little " blog store " to sell other peoples ideas and products . It is all good and it still is fun . That is good ! But now people are starting to take me seriously . . . imagine ! I like that but I am being very careful . I don 't let just anybody use this space . I only display ideas that I find useful and the question I always ask myself is " would you do this for free if no one paid anything for this type of thing ? " If the answer is yes then I discuss the idea with the person that has approached me . But I decline if it doesn 't light my fire or if it feels like I would be spinning my wheels . See I am 70 and I have been retired for 15 years . I like to work hard and be tired at the end of the day but if a job would make me anxious or worried I am going to say no thank you . This is a hobby . I am trying to keep the joy and passion for this room in my life . I don 't want it to start feeling like a work place . There you have it ! I published this article 4 years ago but most of it is still relevant . I hope it is helpful . I love being a snow bird . But I wish someone h . . . I loved Kitty Bartholomew on HGTV ! I know that dates me but I cannot help it . In fact , I woke up the other day thinking how much I missed th . . .
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R . Scarlett lives in a small quaint town in Southern Ontario , Canada and has an unhealthy obsession with mythology and romance . From studying English literature and minoring in History , she loves losing herself in a good book and snuggling up to her Brittany Spaniel . When she 's not writing or plotting a delicious novel , she can be found hanging out with friends and family , going on long car rides , exploring small towns , or watching reruns of Sex and the City . But one thing she can 't excel at is grabbing the attention of her father 's deputy , Marcus . Sure he watched her breeze through high school , and yes , when his marriage fell apart , she babysat his little boy Juney , but hello ! She 's a woman now , sort of , so let 's transition ! So off she goes to Chicago , angry and defeated . She does what everyone expects and lands a kick - butt job at a big firm . Then she makes a big mistake and dates the boss . And that leads to an attempt to be bedded by the boss . But even he can see she 's not into it . So he fires her in an attempt to send her home to sort things out . Living comfortably in the heart of America with the people I love . I live an extroverted life , but I 'm a genuine introvert . An urban kid , I spent much of my youth running in various neighborhood establishments . There I met many colorful characters and I learned to love them and be fascinated by them . My love of story comes from them . I learned to sit on a bar stool or a kitchen chair or in a pew and hear story . Hear the voices telling story . See the mouths move and the hands clutching glasses or cigarettes . See and hear the laughter . There is no greater honor than to hear someone 's story . If you feel that way about the tales I tell … what more could I ask . I like my sex dirty and disposable . I 'm not into commitment or chicks who want more than one night . My brothers and club come first , second and last . Until she walks into my life . Classy , rich and so out of my league it 's crazy . A week together should get her out of my system , but this good girl is so bad when we 're all alone and I can 't get enough of her . The shower 's great , though - triple - size with glass doors and low - level tiled seating along one side . Whoever designed this bathroom sure must like their showers . I find a towel in the cupboard under the sink , turn on the faucets , and peel off my clothes . And so is my family . All because of the sacrifice Stone made to save us . I don 't know what has happened to Stone or Walker , but I believe in my heart that Stone will do everything he can to make sure Walker never comes near us again . I know he 's out there , and I cannot allow myself to think otherwise . He will come back to me , to us . So until that happens , and knowing that , I need to work to make my family and myself whole again . Life can bring unexpected joys and sorrows , and it 's up to me to begin the healing process for us all . I need to be strong , and that 's what I plan to do . D . M . Earl lives in Northwest Indiana . She is an avid reader and will devour a book usually in a day . She reads anything from romance , contemporary , erotica and dark reads . Connelly 's Horde is her first published work released July 3rd , 2014 . This is a Novella in her series Wheels & Hogs . Cadence Reflection Book 2 released on November 2014 . Gabriel 's Treasure Book 3 released on July 2015 . Holidays with the Horde Book 4 released in April 2016 . D . M . has already thought out Books 5 thru 8 so lots more coming from the Horde . D . M . then started a second series , The Journals Trilogy is a dark read filled with suspense and drama . Anguish # One released on May 11 , 2015 . Vengeance # Two releases on December 20 , 2015 . The final Book # Three will release also sometime in early Winter of 2017 . Warning : Not your traditional HEA . May contain emotional triggers for some . There will be things that you won 't like and some you will , but I hope you have fun finding out ! I 'm a wife , mother , and a crazy Canadian , living in Ontario with the loves of my life - my amazing hubby and sweetest little boy . I 'm admittedly addicted to my friends , red wine , and laughter . A lover of alpha males , hot sex , coupled with the perfect side of angst all topped off with the epic happily ever after . Oh . My . God . Carrie Morgan can 't escape her cheating ex fiancé . She goes on her Hawaiian honeymoon fantasy vacation to prove she 's over him - but he 's there with his mistress in tow . Good thing Carrie 's annoyingly over - protective friend Blake came with her . How 's she going to prove to her ex she 's over him ? Easy . One … Two … Three … She grabs Blake and kisses him . Blake Harris isn 't about to let anyone take advantage of his heartbroken friend Carrie . And that includes himself , even if she 's sexy as sin in that bikini . Then she kisses him - and he 's on fire . Damage done , but he can back off . Except he sees that broken look in Carrie 's eyes . No . Hell no . New plan . He intends to show her ex just what he 's thrown away . The kisses ? For show . The heat ? Part of the performance . The private practice sessions ? Uh - oh . Those are starting to feel a bit too real … Carrie Morgan was on the other side of that door , and yes , Blake cared about her . He 'd known her brother since they were kids . But this was her wedding . Or it was supposed to be . And now she was on the other side of the door , in tears , because her scumbag fiancé had abandoned her for another woman . Shit . He 'd never been close to her . He 'd been sixteen and she 'd been nine when his mom had died and he 'd spent so many afternoons with her older brother Lane . But hell . Lane was his best friend . He couldn 't just let his sister suffer like this . He hadn 't even had a chance to see her yet since she 'd not left the bridal suite in forty - eight hours . Even since she 'd gotten word that the groom wasn 't going to show . Could have been worse . She could have been literally stood up at the altar . At least the piece of shit fiancé had told her two days before the wedding . Lane was the closest thing to a brother he had , and neither distance or time had changed that . Then there was Carrie . The sweet girl Jake and Lane had spent their teenage years playing Uno with and looking after . Until Blake had graduated college and moved to the city . Shit . He was an ass for not being around more . Poor girl was likely behind the door crying , and that made him want to punch the douche bag that had hurt her . Maybe later he 'd help Lane hunt the prick down . Blake took the keycard that Lane had given him out of his pocket . " I 'm coming in , " he announced . " Just want to check on you … " He stepped into the room . It was a massive suite with a sitting area and kitchen . The plush furniture was lined with roses , and unlit candles were scattered around everywhere . Ah shit , so this was her honeymoon suite . The strawberry blond five feet in front of him was moving and shaking in the middle of the room . What was more distracting was the fact that she was doing that in nothing but a pair of panties and matching white tank top . Her eyes were locked on the wide screen hanging on the wall . He glanced at the television . She was doing … jazzercise ? " Carrie ? " His voice decided to break a little around the one word he 'd said several times but now held a lot more heat . Sure , his blood felt hot , but his skin was cold . He smiled , and her body remained still while her chest heaved with deep breaths . While those inhales made the thin cotton stretch over her breasts in a way that made his mouth instantly water , it was better than her dancing . Because any more bouncing on her part and he might forget she was his best friend 's little sister and lose his damn mind wondering how many more deep breaths it would take to make that tank top non - existent . " What are you doing here ? " she asked , not bothering to cover up . Something he wasn 't completely upset about since the woman was smoking hot . She wasn 't a little girl , he knew that . But he 'd barely seen her since she was a teenager . And seeing her now , all woman - worse , his type of woman - that fact hit harder than the last . Nope . She definitely wasn 't the kid he grew up with anymore . She was twenty - three with a tight body , perfect ass , and breasts he 'd just learned had no problem doing a Baywatch slow - motion run in place . She nodded as if his answer was good enough and walked to the bedside table . She seemed … carefree ? Not at all the crying woman he 'd expected to find . Then she grabbed a half empty bottle of Jack Daniels off the table and took a few swigs . " Glad to see you 're staying hydrated , " Blake said . She wasn 't carefree , she was drunk . And exercising . An odd combination , but he could see the logic . Drink away the sorrows and get the endorphins going . He 'd try it out himself next time he felt so lonely he forgot why a relationship was off the table for him . " Yep . Hydrating is important , " she said . " I 've got to stick with my video exercise . Been doing this for six months to get ' bikini ready ' and if I stop now then … " Ah , hell . Put him between a woman and a man who meant her harm , he knew what to do . Swing until the other guy went down . But a crying woman ? One who 'd already been abandoned by the guy ? Yet another sign Blake had failed by not saying something . Or at least getting here early . Maybe then he could have caught the scumbag before he disappeared to who knew where . But nope . Blake 's life and job were a hundred percent on his time and agenda . Freedom was a heady thing , and he would always be free . Never tied to a woman , never love , because the loss that came with love was too much . But this woman was different . The protective instinct he had came roaring to the surface at the first sign of water lining her eyes . She was hurting . Her shoulders slinking . And there wasn 't a damn thing he could do about it . But he so badly wanted to . She shook her head . " I guess I don 't have to do the videos anymore now that I 'm not going to Hawaii . " She took another swig . " Guess it didn 't matter how hard I worked out , Kevin left anyway . The whole time he was cheating ! Can you believe that ? With his trainer . Which , by the way , I want a refund on all those ' classes ' he signed up for to get his own ass ' bikini ready , ' because I doubt nailing your trainer burns more calories than a treadmill . " National and international bestselling author Joya Ryan is the author of more than a dozen adult and new - adult romance novels . Passionate about both cooking and dancing ( despite not being too skilled at the latter ) , she loves traveling and seeking out new adventures . Visit her online at www . joyaryan . com . " I 'm fine , Tensley , " she whispered , squinting in the muted light . She caught his wrist and stroked it while he held her face still . She watched his vivid eyes , terrified , but fascinated by their darkness . " Are you okay ? Your eyes are pitch - black . What 's wrong ? " she asked , anxious . " All I can smell is my scent on you , and seeing how he just had his hands on you , how you weren 't protected - " Tensley hissed , a snarl escaping him . " I want you so bad I can 't think straight . I want to bite your ivory neck - deep , deep enough to mark . Deep enough to protect you and make you unconditionally mine . Do you want me to do that , Molly ? " he asked , his voice breathless with need . His eyes turned feral , he was a predator . A beast . And he could no longer resist his prey . " Would you bare my mark , Molly ? Are you ready to be mine ? " he finished , his voice low and raw . His mouth found hers and it was vicious , impatient . Molly dug her fingers into his shoulder blades , before sliding them up to tug on his thick mane of hair . That only stirred the beast within him , and he grasped her hips , pulling her flush against his muscular , powerful frame . " Not here , not like this , " he breathed out . " We 're leaving . " He placed her down , her legs heavy and weak , and he grasped her hand , taking them out of the room . R . Scarlett lives in a small quaint town in Southern Ontario , Canada and has an unhealthy obsession with mythology and romance . From studying English literature and minoring in History , she loves losing herself in a good book and snuggling up to her Brittany Spaniel . When she 's not writing or plotting a delicious novel , she can be found hanging out with friends and family , going on long car rides , exploring small towns , or watching reruns of Sex and the City . Richard " Dick " Dawson does his best to live up to his name . A long - time frenemy and manwhore extraordinaire , he thrives on pushing limits , pushing up skirts - and pushing every single one of Paige 's buttons . He 's the itch she can 't scratch , and doesn 't want to . Or does she ? What happens when blazing - hot rage turns to crazy , unexplainable lust ? Surely not … love ? Because that would just be a total P . I . T . A . I squash the costumes , and bits I bought , into my car as best I can . The back window is completely blocked and I cannot see out of it at all . The clothing smells old and has that musty , almost stale smell , as if the sweat of the original owners is still in the fabric . The pictures from his office have my mind spinning . He was part of my circus ; he was there . That was his family 's circus . When I asked he just got upset and dismissed me , hurrying me to leave . I struck a nerve with him . I desperately want to know more , to ask him more , but risk losing him as a supplier . My last task is shopping . We need food , toilet paper , and the other shit required to live on the fringes . I stop at the small coastal town nearest my new home and make my way around the few stores there . All I require are the basics , and a somewhat decent coffee . The folks in the stores eye me like the stranger I am , looking me up and down . In a small grocer I gather fresh produce to cook with . A friendly girl behind the counter smiles and greets me ; she doesn 't look at me like the older people have . " Do you know where I can get a haircut in town ? " I ask , while she bags my purchases into green plastic bags . She snickers and looks at me with a sweet smile . " Two blocks up turn left , there 's a barber , but I think he 'd shave it bald if you let him at that . " She eyes my messy long hair . " I wouldn 't cut it if I were you . Here . " She rolls a hair tie off her skinny wrist and hands it to me . " Just pull it back . The man - bun is all the rage nowadays . " Giving a nod of thanks I pull my hair up into her pink elastic band and pay for the groceries . The final item on my list is done and I am relieved , ready to return to my own world and leave this charade of normal behind me . " Thank you . " I smile as I grab the bags from the end of her counter . " Pleasure , new guy in town . " She giggles and turns to help the purple haired old lady who has now ambled up to her cash register . I leave the store feeling better . This day wasn 't what I hoped it to be , and the answers I wanted are now more questions . My heart is heavy with my mother 's confessions and Gavin 's betrayal . I am human and I feel just like they do . Fuck me , this is all hurting me more than it should . The short drive back home isn 't long and the hot afternoon sun is relentless on the car . Even with the AC on the sun burns me through the window . Bouncing on the rutted dirt track I make my way to the tent , uneasiness making me check my mirrors and scan the surrounds . I feel as if I have been outed ; that someone knows I am here now . When I get out into the searing heat I look at the trailer where she is , and she is standing at my window staring out at me . She looks tired and dirty , broken and defeated . I hardly recognise my beautiful aerial dancer , but I recognise something else . Her eyes are as dead as the ones I watched through the window that summer , glassed over and devoid of emotion , as if the soul in them has perished and floated away with the wind . About The Author Bestselling Author Ashleigh Giannoccaro writes edgy dark romance and erotic horror , self published by choice she writes the stories others don 't dare . Currently residing in Johannesburg South Africa with her husband and two daughters Ashleigh enjoys writing stories that make you fall in love with the unlovable and leave you asking questions . When not writing she can be found with her kindle in a sunny spot reading or traveling with her family . For the month of December only , grab the first three books in the Pub Fiction series in this limited edition boxed set . For only 99 CENTS ! * Includes an extended scene from On the Rocks ! My Mind 's Eye ( Book 1 ) I don 't believe in fate . I make my own destiny . I work hard and play harder . Luck is for pussies , karma for idiots . Me , I make shit happen . He 's all about the chase , wanting just one night . Everyone knows this - I know this . Still , I find myself craving him , my greedy body betraying what my heart and mind already know : he will only bring me pain . He 's the guy who girls like me should avoid . I 'm smart ; I know better . But when I 'm with him , I feel things I 've never felt before . Things I never knew I wanted . I can 't deny it … I like the chase . The high is explosive , but I 'm afraid if I give in , I may end up losing more than I can handle : my heart . Mental Illness is a growing concern in our world today . On the Rocks is about surviving the aftermath of suicide , and believing in love again . Levi and Braunwyn 's love story is inspired by events that impacted the lives of people I care about deeply . I hope you enjoy their journey . One Last Shot ( Book 3 ) My name is Claire Knox . People say I 'm the female version of a player : a boyslayer , if you 're fluent in urban dictionary speak . I hate long term relationships . I 'll never commit to sticking around long enough to get attached to the notion of love , marriage , or the proverbial two point five kids . No sirree Not this girl . There 's no way I 'll let myself get hurt by losing someone I love ever again . Been there , felt that . Consider me damaged goods if you will , but I 'm happy . Or so I thought , until my path crossed his again … I 'm a wife , mother , and a crazy Canadian , living in Ontario with the loves of my life - my amazing hubby and sweetest little boy . I 'm admittedly addicted to my friends , red wine , and laughter . A lover of alpha males , hot sex , coupled with the perfect side of angst all topped off with the epic happily ever after . Between the Sheets PR has been professional and a pleasure to work with . They always respond on a timely manner , answer any and all questions , and make you feel like they 're your only client . We 've hired them for cover reveals , book tours , and book blitzes , and had nothing but success . Bloggers have mentioned to us that the formatting for their posts were easy and some of the best to embed and work with . Between the Sheets always provides the list of bloggers participating in the tours / reveals , which is beyond helpful . Without a doubt , Between the Sheets PR is always our first choice for promotions . If we could rate them , we would give them well above 5 stars ! !
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So as a family we had enjoyed a day out at a wonderful seaside resort . . celebrating the 80th birthday of my amazing grandma . Going out with a child can be hard work . . going out with one who has a disability can be much much harder . The amount of planning and packing involved is considerable . I knew we were making the trip over a week ago and I had been worrying about it pretty much constantly since the plans were made . I realise this might sound irrational but there is so much to think about . How will we get there ? Should we drive ? Should we get the train ? Would she be able to handle the train ? Does it have good wheelchair access on the trains and at the stations ? Will she be okay with a two hour journey or will this cause a meltdown ? And so on . In the end we decided it would be best for all if we got the train . The train there was fine . It was the train back that is still causing me anger and grief . We 've had numerous train journeys in the last year with varying success . We 've had times where lifts weren 't working at stations and we 've carried the wheelchair up many flights of steps , we 've had journeys where people look disapprovingly at our daughter 's need for an ipad . I am somewhere in between shouting at these people , explaining why it is necessary and that we aren 't just lazy , and saying nothing . These days I opt for the latter and silently bubble with rage within . We were getting the train home after an actually very successful and happy day when the train conductor began to urge everyone further down the platform . He was looking right at us wondering why we hadn 't budged . We shouted over " We need this wheelchair carriage " I can only assume she thought our daughter 's wheelchair was a pram and not a wheelchair . Well lady . . you would be hard put to try and get one of these bad boys in mothercare ! £ 2400 worth of biomechanically engineered , posturally supportive , heavy bit of kit provided by the local wheelchair services . My daughter has severe quadriplegic cerebral palsy … in fact if she had looked closer she would have seen that we actually have a feeding pump and a big tube routed alongside the wheelchair . We also have several bags for we must take numerous outfit changes , many electronic toys , spare feeding buttons , lots of medications and all sorts of things that you would probably not even consider when planning the average day out . The lady in question had two perfectly able bodied children . I 'm not saying she hasn 't had a challenging day . But what I am saying is why can 't people think before they speak ? She probably doesn 't even remember shouting that out to us but me being the emotional anxious wreck that I am … I am dwelling on it a lot . I didn 't let it spoil my day but it did make my blood boil . Luckily thanks to the wonders of the internet and social networking . . invisible disabilities and much more are getting the awareness they deserve . For all she knew it could be myself with a chronic illness . My mum actually suffers various chronic illnesses and some days they are debilitating for her . . other days she copes like she did this day . To look at her you would think her to be just like everyone else but the truth is she can be in a lot of pain . She will smile through it and put on a brave face … but you haven 't seen behind closed doors . Just how you haven 't with our life . We have seen our child go to surgery , we have seen her have seizures , we have had to learn to tube feed , we attend weekly physio , we have a while set of processes in place to ensure she doesn 't get curvature of the spine ( scoliosis ) or hip displacement which could result in agonising surgery . She most likely does not have that for her child . If our situation were not a challenging one we would not have been awarded a blue badge so that we can park so we have space to assemble the wheelchair . To that lady - have you ever had to do any of these things ? Our daughter does not need sympathy … she has an amazing quality of life , she is a happy and bright girl . Her physical limitations do not define her as a person but we do ask that people respect that some people do need a little extra space or access . Accessibility is an unnecessary hindrance as is people 's bad attitudes . She does not judge you , so don 't you judge us . The man at the station was so kind and understanding . He helped us onto the carriage , he offered us the wheelchair ramp , he helped a man using a wheelchair onto the train . He was a credit to the company and the antithesis of this vile woman whose thoughtless remark cost me my good mood . The wheelchair carriage enabled us to have the space needed to ensure our child was safe and happy . We aren 't just lazy parents . We don 't take advantage or lie . We are playing the cards we were dealt and accessing the community just how EVERY person should . Show some respect . I should also mention that on this same day we encountered many individuals who were enamored with our little girl and were so lovely and kind to us . Unfortunately though , those people don 't always get a post dedicated to them . I will write a post some time about the lovely people I meet . Also - This blog is intended to be about any topic … I know i have done a few posts about my daughter now , but I just write about what I feel like at that moment . Author melodramaticpumpkinPosted on May 8 , 2016June 13 , 2017Tags awareness , cerebral palsy , disability1 Comment on To the Lady who Heckled us Needing the Wheelchair Bay The Day my Life Changed Forever So this the birth of my daughter is the most dramatic , amazing , heartbreaking , most everything story I have to tell . I suppose everyone 's " birth story " or " becoming a parent " story is the biggest thing that ever happens to everyone . But I want to write down my daughter 's story before writing my posts about how incredibly proud she has made me recently . I have always been proud of her but this last few months have been absolutely astounding . Nothing can prepare you for parenthood , or birth , or anything like this . The world we were plunged into in 2014 truly defines me today , it also accounts for my perspective of the world , my view of the past , my anxiety of the present , and my aspirations and hopes for the future . I am a mum . I am a " special needs " mum . I am the proudest person in the world . I am an advocate . I will fight EVERY negative view on disability , I will fight to raise awareness , I will fight for inclusion and equality . I will be that annoying person who harps on and on about accessibility to shops and the community in general . I want to see a world where my daughter and every wheelchair user gets the same rights and access to the world that we as " able bodied " people take for granted . Things have got so much better in the world , but we have a long way to go to fight stigma and assumptions . Anyway , I will dismount my pedestal now . . back to the story … ahem . Me getting pregnant did come as a surprise . I was pretty well adjusted to nights out , playing with lego , playing video games , going to rock gigs etc … I liked my me time and I liked working full time and trying to build a career . My pregnancy was pretty typical … everything went absolutely fine for the whole pregnancy , I was the right weight , I didn 't smoke , I didn 't drink , I did it all by the book … after all . . I was creating a life ! I did eat quite unhealthily but I made sure I got my 5 a day and if not that at least lots of vitamins … Maternity leave began for me at about 36 weeks weeks . Amy was showing no sign of arrival and eventually I had to have a sweep . At 41 weeks and 3 days my water broke . By the way for me it was nothing like what happens in the movies … I wasn 't even sure that was what had happened until I phoned triage to check ! ! I knew at that moment I was to become a mum in the next 24 hours . The next day my contractions began . They were indescribably painful . I can 't even begin to imagine the pain I was in . I remember being on all fours in my front room screaming my head off not knowing what to do . Phil rushed home from work to take me to the hospital . When I got to the hospital they told me I was in the very early stages of labour and that it might be a benefit to me to go home for a while . I said no … I was in too much pain . In retrospect I am so glad I made this decision because if I had it 's pretty certain Amy would not be here with us today . A thought that fills me with all sorts of pain . She is the Ash to my Pikachu and so on . I was given some pain killers and was put on gas and air . All it did for me was make me feel nauseous . The nurses / midwives came in and checked on me every few minutes to check her heart beat . All was fine . They were about to tell me I could get in the birth pool if I want . I didn 't really have a birth plan as I had been forewarned by so many that no matter what you plan … fate or your baby will have other plans . So I thought I would just go with the flow . After a few hours of being in the hospital the nurse came to do a routine heartrate check . . her face dropped . . she left the room quickly . The senior midwife ran in and urged me to get on the bed and lay on my side . I was so panicked and in so much pain I was shouting that I couldn 't … but obviously I obliged . Next thing I know I was rapidly being transported down hospital corridors in a bed surrounded by surgeons , doctors , midwives , nurses . . I don 't even know . I just remember screaming " please , make my baby safe " . I was in a deep panic and hyperventilating . The surgeon was explaining that I was about to have a category A c - section . I screamed for them to put me to sleep faster . I remember the mask going on and slowly feeling calmer and dozier . I was asleep . When I awoke I could hear my name being repeated over and over . The morphine has distorted my reality and my first words were " I 'm a robot now . " Something I look back on with both a combination of amusement and heartache . When I was taken to my room I wasn 't aware of all the tubes attached to me , of my smaller stomach , or the fact my baby wasn 't there . In my drugged up state I felt like they were just preparing her to come and see me . Time didn 't pass slowly at all . My mum , dad , mum in law and Phil were there . I chatted all sorts of rubbish not understanding the severity of the situation whilst everyone around me was worried sick . Eventually they brought Amy in . The situation hit me at last . " She 's very very poorly " said the midwife . " I 'm so so sorry . This … just doesn 't happen " . Everyone was in a state of shock . I later learned that the entire staff involved in Amy 's birth endured a long debriefing as it was a distressing and traumatic time for all involved … after all , it was totally unexpected , totally unpreventable . Amy was transported immediately to the city hospital for cooling therapy . She had been resusitated for 8 minutes following the csection and suffered a severe brain injury ( one that would come to be know as " hypoxic ischemic encephalopathy - grade 3 ) . The cooling therapy would keep her at 33 degrees to help prevent the brain damage spreading further . The next day I woke up and had a panic attack because she was in a different hospital to me . The adrenaline kicked in and I was shouting and rushing round packing my bags . I forgot I had just encountered major abdominal surgery . An ambulance took us to the hospital . A doctor met with us . " Is there any hope ? " I asked … still drugged up and totally unsure of what was happening . The doctor provided a grave expression and told us she didn 't expect Amy to make it through the night , and if she did she would be a " total vegetable " ( A term I have come to detest and advocate against very strongly ) . The next 5 days were spent in absolute agony both physically and mentally . With each day we saw progress with our little girl as she lay motionless attached to what seemed like hundreds of machines in the newborn intensive care unit . Compared to the other babies she seemed giant … she was the only baby in our section who wasn 't premature . It didn 't seem right that she was here . I remember breaking down so many times " why us ? " " why her ? " " will she ever come home ? " I remember the time a nurse told us she had done a wee . This was a huge win . Something you wouldn 't even think about as being an achievement . . this was huge . After a few days they started to wean her off the oxygen to see how she coped . After a few days she was off oxygen and breathing for herself . I well up just thinking about it . A nurse said to me " just think how good it will be when you finally take her home . " At the time this felt like a sick joke . . I had been led to believe that she was never coming home . I thought that eventually they would want to switch the ventilator off or that her heart would give in . She was having constant seizures and we could see on a monitor every time she was having them . It was heartache like you could never imagine , I cannot quite convey just how incredibly hard those days were for us and how we all got through it amazes me . She fought , we fought , and so did the hospital staff . She needed constant suction ( she had no swallow reflex ) and already had pnemonia from aspiration of meconium ) and was fed via an ng tube in her nose . I was expressing breast milk every few hours to help give her the best chance . I continued to do this for 6 agonising weeks . I have a huge respect to anyone who manages to breastfeed … pumps hurt a lot more than oral breast feeding . . by the end of it I was in so much pain from mastitis and bleeding . 100 % worth it . The csection scar hurt more and more as the painkillers wore off . I had a daily injection to prevent clots and wore anti DVT socks too . The scar was covered with a huge bandage . Just getting up to walk to the bathroom took around 30 minutes . At the time the pain was a sore reminder of what she was going through . There was a day both Phil and I totally broke down . It was because I spent all morning trying to build myself up to say out loud " why doesn 't she move ? " . Later that day a nurse said to me " There are good days and bad days . Today I think you had a bad day … but there is always tomorrow . " Those words will stick with me forever . The other thing that will stick with me forever is my respect for nurses and doctors who work tirelessly in highly stressful environments not only keeping people alive , but also helping encourage people who are experiencing a huge shock to the system . They don 't ever stop these nurses … they are filling charts , checking on patients , performing procedures , washing hands , getting meds … endless tasks . I bet when they get home at the end of the day they ache SO much . I hope they also ache with pride at how incredibly amazing they are and know what a difference they have made to the world that day . Seriously . The most inspiring time of my life . I have so many quotes from nurses , " there is always hope " being one of them . Thank you st marys from the bottom of my heart . When the cooling cot was warmed up to normal temperature we saw her finger twitch for the first time . How we cried . Our little girl was with us . She could move ! We filmed that little finger for such a long time . I am now crying just thinking about it . The first time we held her was on day 4 … she was still fully ventilated and it took the nurse 45 minutes to get her safely out of the cot and into our arms . After a few weeks she got transferred back to our local hospital to the neonatal ward . When she was about 4 weeks old she made her first sound - a cry . We were amazed . When we had met her pediatrician for the first time she asked me what concerns I had … one of my main ones was " how can she tell us if she is in pain ? " … well , the cry eventually came and she showed her first signs of communication . We were amazed . I remember telling the doctor that ALL I wanted was for her to be happy and have an excellent quality of life … and this is still true as ever . Fortunately she IS happy and DOES have an excellent quality of life . At 5 or 6 weeks old she was okay to come home . We were so happy and so scared ! ! We were armed with tube feeding supplies , medications , and a suction machine . So that 's sort of it . The shortest version I could write . There is so so so much more to the story than this but I wanted to get this out there for people following this blog who don 't know me or my story . I will come back to bits of this story in future entries as so many things happened that shape how I think of the world today and how I operate in this entirely new world . Amy is now over 2 . She has severe quadriplegic cerebral palsy … she has mixed cp meaning her muscle tone fluctuates … sometimes she is very stiff , sometimes a bit floppy … she has constant dystonic ( uncontrolled / involuntary ) movements and literally does not stop moving unless sleeping . She is still 100 % tube fed but via a gastrostomy button ( on her tummy ) and is fed 24 hours a day on a medicated formula via a feeding pump . I will no doubt discuss that surgery on here , and also the many feeding issues we still encounter to this day . She has progressed so much . In spite of her restrictions her body forces on her … she is an incredibly bright little girl . Cheesy as it sounds she surprises us everyday with her tenacity and feistyness . Everyone who meets her adores her . She really is the best thing ever to happen to me . I do still suffer PSTD from those dark days . . I do still get flashbacks . But i am getting better . I once collapsed at the sight of a surgeon a year or so ago because it gave me an unpleasant flashback . I am getting better at these things . Now I can focus on where we are now and whilst we do have a lot of challenges and hard times … we can smile . I hope everyone can appreciate that this was a particularly difficult post for me to write . I know it wasn 't well worded or anything , I just typed and typed and told it exactly how it was . It has been hard reliving it in this amount of detail as usually when people enquire about Amy 's story I only tell a short version , kind of a default response I have made . This post made me relive every room , every conversation , every thought , just everything . Author melodramaticpumpkinPosted on May 8 , 2016May 8 , 2016Tags anxiety , cerebral palsy , csection , generalised anxiety disorder , hie , hypoxic ischemic encephalopathy , NICU days , personal , PTSD , trauma4 Comments on The Day my Life Changed Forever When healthy eating , exercise , socialising and nature don 't work What 's more interesting than a blog post about complaining about tiredness ? Probably just about anything else at all . But sadly that 's all I got right now ! Recently I have been absolutely fatigued . I know I have a lot of broken sleep but even so , no amount of naps , extra sleep , time alone , socialising , exercise , healthy eating , water drinking etc is making an ounce of difference . I don 't think I 'm anemic right now . Who knows . It has me wondering - is this just how achey I will always be ? Is this a normal level of achey or am I just a whingebag ? I feel so exhausted . My life is pretty non - stop and even when I get time to chill I find it hard to loosen up and unwind . I am so tense and on edge . I am wondering if I have a hormone issue or if my blood disorder ( ITP ) is affecting how I feel . The last week has been characterised by my constant making of fresh homemade veg soup . I was hoping that kale , spinach , peas , cabbage , swede , carrots and whatever else would help me feel more energised . I walked 4km today in the hot weather with Monty . . I know that isn 't far but when you 've spent the morning bathing and dressing a very wriggly little girl and hauling wheelchairs and bags about etc you know that you 've had an active day . This morning was so stressful . The little one woke up in a horrendous mood and wailed the entire way to nursery no matter what I did . In addition to this the traffic was bad , her feeding pump was alarming and beeping away ( I couldn 't do anything about it so just had to endure it ! ) . So I was sat on the playground floor trying to replace and prime the giving set and thinking how exhausted I was . I am sorry to complain . But tiredness makes me this way . I know there is so much worse going on at the moment but knowing that doesn 't help . I am so worried about a friend of mine , and I am worried about an issue my parents had with their house and someone frauding them etc too . I used to get really bad anxiety about a burglary . I am not bothered by the theft of possessions but more the prospect of violence . I sometimes got so bad with it that I would purposely put tables right in front of the door so that if someone did get in they would instantly fall and I would have advanced warning . Ridiculous I know . Irrational I know . Sometimes people don 't get that about anxiety . They think you aren 't aware of how ridiculous you 're being . But no , we fully get it , thank you . We are sorry . I wonder is my mind in overdrive and it is having a knock effect on my body . I feel like I am overly worried about the future . I don 't know . I am not doing a good job of explaining myself today . I recently have been immersing myself in nature a lot more , and fresh food … in a desperate hope that it will " fix " me . It would seem that no amount of beautiful blossom trees and other people 's dogs are helping . Author melodramaticpumpkinPosted on May 4 , 2016May 4 , 2016Tags anxiety , chronic illness , fatigue , fed up , generalised anxiety disorder , personal1 Comment on When healthy eating , exercise , socialising and nature don 't work Why Doesn 't my Internal Monologue have an off switch ? If I were a fictional character I always thought I would be Miss Havisham ( from Great Expectations ) or Bertha Mason ( Jane Eyre ) . Today I feel more like Bertha and wish I were more like Miss Havisham . For those who don 't know who either of those characters are … one is " insane " and one is a recluse living in a mansion with a decaying wedding cake . As I type this right now I am holding back the tears . For some reason my sertraline makes me quite numb to a lot of feelings and it tends to mean that if I cry I really am having a hard time of it . Today I think I have felt every possible emotion and I am absolutely exhausted . I need to leave the house in forty - two minutes to pick Amy up from respite ( Note how I know to the exact minute what time I need to leave . I do this all day everyday , I meticulously plan out my day and really wind myself up in the process ) I was feeling sad this afternoon but what has made me worse was the man who rapped on my door so loud that I dropped a load of shopping on the floor in shock . I know that I startle easily but this would have startled anyone , he was so rude . He was angry because I had parked on his ( not legally enforced ) white line . My reason for parking there ? Well , there was a massive truck parked in the middle of our road as they are carrying out some work on the water pipes in the road . I had no choice but to park there . I had checked out of the window several times to see if I could my car but couldn 't . What makes it worse is that the guy could easily have got in his spot as I had ensured I had left sufficient space . So right now I hate everything and everyone . This morning I liked everyone and wished them well . When people have problems I feel like I have taken the problem on as my own and I worry fiercely about everyone I care about . Sometimes when I feel really low I remind myself that we only have one life and to live it as such . But then that scares me and I panic , I over sentimentalise , I fear our mortality and I worry about potential grief that will inevitably happen at some stage . It 's awful . I am sure others feel like this but I doubt they feel it as intensely as I do . I was meant to attend CBT today for my second session . But I felt so overwhelmed I had to cancel . I told them I have too many commitments and can 't fit it in right now . The truth is I don 't want to go . It isn 't that I don 't want to get better … It 's more that I don 't want to go to the hospital when I am there twice tomorrow for Amy 's first two appointments of the day . It 's also because they set homework and I hadn 't done it and felt guilty . I went to the doctors instead . My eczema has resulted in a secondary infection so I have a new steroid cream and antibiotics . I can 't wait for my hands to stop bleeding and weeping . There is a lot to be said for the psychosocial effects of eczema and how it can impact every aspect of your life . For some reason the words aren 't coming to me right now . My chest feels tight but not tight enough for a panic attack . I have just been to the supermarket for my prescription and my social anxiety was out in full force . I think on the outside I probably seem quite confident and chatty but the reality is that my internal monologue is shouting in my head louder than my voice when I speak and I feel like I 'm battling the two . For example I saw someone I used to know and she had a baby with her . She was next to me in the queue . I said hi , she said hi back . I couldn 't extend it further than that because my monologue was saying " she has a baby . You don 't . You would have had a 4 month old baby were it not for that horrendous miscarriage you had last year . You probably won 't get to have another child and if you do you 'll panic yourself silly the whole time because you 're pathetic . " At that point as I was self loathing I looked down and saw how fat my tummy looks today , I then exchanged an inadvertent eye contact with the girl I used to know . She looked down as if also looking at my tummy . I don 't know if I was just being paranoid but then the monologue pipes up again " she 's looking at your fat belly wondering if you 're pregnant . Well you 're not . You 're just fat . Don 't even think about eating any of that chocolate trifle you bought for Phil . You 're grotesque and lazy . " and so on it went . I left the shop feeling shaky and weak . My own mind made me feel that way . My mind is bullying me . How ridiculous is that ? How irrational is that ? What on earth is going on . As I walked to my car a man was carrying far too much shopping . He dropped a chicken drumstick on the floor . I instantly felt gutted for him . I knew his internal monologue was saying " You silly fool . Why didn 't you just shell out 5p for a carrier bag " . I offered to help him to his van as he struggled on . He politely declined . A few seconds later more of his shopping came crashing down onto the floor . A BLT , some fabric softener and some pistachio nuts . " Come on ! I said " amused at his manly bravado that he didn 't need help . He 's probably a bit like me ; stubborn and independent - but also often wrong . I helped him to his van . I walked back to my car pleased to have been of assistance … I often crave that feeling of being indispensable , of being useful , of being a recognised contributor . I frequently just feel like a free loader or a sponge . My lonely days are often filled with these little encounters … just little conversational exchanges with strangers . Between the clumsy builder and the angry man making me move my car to the petrol station guy who laughed with me about old video games and coffee … I can see clearly that my emotions are too strong , in a bad way . I just feel out of control , and I can 't relax . I did get to see my parents today . Then are going away for a few days so it was good to catch up with them first . I think they know more than anyone what it 's like to be me , I think they understand my " quirks " and accept it well . So there has been some nice parts to the day . It was so strange to be so suddenly overcome with deep sadness out of nowhere earlier . It was a bit like when it 's a sunny cloudless day then suddenly out of nowhere the sky darkens and the clouds cry heavy tears of rain . It was like that . It was like the scene in Amelie when she flushes with grief into a puddle on the floor . I relate to that strongly every time I watch that film . Her expectations just flush into a puddle on the floor . I so much want to be someone who can sit in their garden and read a book without a care in the world . All of the things I want from life seem so attainable and yet somehow aren 't . I can 't quite put it into words today . Anyway . Crazy lady in the attic must sign out for now . I need to go and do various tidying and chores before I pick amy up . If I don 't pass out before then . Author melodramaticpumpkinPosted on April 21 , 2016April 21 , 2016Tags anxiety , chronic illness , eczema , generalised anxiety disorder , panic attacksLeave a comment on Why Doesn 't my Internal Monologue have an off switch ? I will Never be an Archaeologist " New notepad " syndrome is kicking in already … I am scared of tainting the blog with a rubbish and not well thought out post . Right now I just feel like typing , I don 't have a topic in mind , I guess I just want to ramble . I am reflecting a lot tonight on what it is to be a person . We all have our own hobbies and interests , things that give our lives meaning , things that we wake up each day to enjoy . It saddens me that so many people in life aren 't in their dream profession and dedicated such a huge portion of their lives to something they don 't want to do just to pay the bills and enjoy that small portion of time full time working lets you spend . People say all these things like " dress for the job you want , not the job you have " or " do a job you enjoy doing and you will never work a day in your life . " All just charming sentiments but also completely not viable to pretty much the entire population barring the few that do actually get to do what they enjoy . You see . . we need call centre staff , we need food restaurant servers , we need supermarket cashiers and so on . These roles and how enjoyable they all are probably vary significantly in terms of how good the management are , how good the perks are and so on , but generally , I don 't know many people who believe they were born to oversee the self checkout till . Now that isn 't at all me slating those jobs , in fact I have done 2 of those 3 jobs for 11 years of my life . The hours can be horrendous , the tasks involved can be monotonous and nauseating , the customers may at times give you grief … but at the end of the day you get paid and you have money in the bank , a roof over your head and a full belly . What more can you ask for ? Well , to be honest I expect a lot more . My life has been a bit of a rollercoaster ride - in particular the last few years . When I started my " call centre " job in 2010 I knew this wasn 't my ideal job by a longshot . As a child I have dreamed of becoming an artist or an archeologist . Turns out , I 'm a bit of a crap drawer and there aren 't many ( if any ) ancient fossils in my back garden . But I made the job work for me … the roles were often almost intolerable … I struggled staying in my seat and wanted to just do something that held more meaning or interest to me … but I plodded on like everyone else there . It was a great company to work for , and the people I worked with were truly amazing people . So I had just got used to this job … I was trying to get more interesting roles or a higher paid role … I wanted one or the other . But then when Amy was born with a severe brain injury all of this changed . Being a carer is a privilege . . but a very ( and I mean very ) low paid job , it doesn 't offer a great pension , it doesn 't offer you a share incentive plan , the hours are 24 / 7 . . 365 days a year ( day and night ) , you don 't get a designated lunch hour or journey to work with your ipod music on . We do what we have to do . We deal with the cards we are dealt . I am honoured to get to do what I do but it is hard , and often lonely . Emotionally it can be very draining … the appointments , the admin , the fact I am heavily invested with and pretty much in love with my care - ee . It is safe to say that I have lost myself a bit . I still love pokemon , and rock music , and all these things … But I have so little time for them now , and when I do I prefer to sleep or do something easy like browse facebook , or sleep . I think about that question people often ask : " where do you see yourself in 5 years ? " and I think to myself . . wow . . imagine the cez of 5 years ago … how would she respond if she knew life was going to be how it is now ? I also wonder where cez of present day will be in 5 years . There are things I really want from life still , I really want another child . I had two miscarriages last year , and amy 's birth was far from straight forward … so now pregnancy and birth absolutely terrifies me . I do hold some bitterness inside that some people seem able to pop numerous children out no problem and I 'm here an absolute quivering wreck at the prospect of it all , totally shell shocked . I also want a job … one where I really help people . I never knew that I would have made a good nurse … I didn 't know I wasn 't squeamish … I can pass ng tubes and all sorts of things now . Because I had to . I wish school had made science more interesting for me . I got two Ds for science in high school . They did not at all inspire me to learn and these days I am absolutely fascinated by all things science . Science is amazing . I mentioned in a previous post about how I cringe when people ask " what I do " . It is a shame that so many people will define you as a person by what you do . I used to work in a supermarket … it is a damned hard job and not to be scoffed at … I have so much respect for shop workers . And yet it isn 't a well respected role . I was never proud to say I did that job even though it was a good company and so on . Wouldn 't it be cool if we defined people by their morals or what a nice person they were . People who are kind and thoughtful hold so much more value … though I guess having a kind heart doesn 't make you an excellent brain surgeon . It 's a tricky one . Instead of what do you do , or how are you … ask something that gives you more insight into a person . What do you like to do with your free time ? What 's your favourite dinosaur ? If you could be any pokemon which would you be ? What 's your favourite flower ? Whilst I am not greedy or desperate to be rich … I always wanted to never struggle for money . I always thought if you worked hard then things would be easy . But truth be told I am currently working at absolute max capacity right now and barely have a penny to my name . If it wasn 't for Phil working full time who knows where we would be . Because a hard working carer doesn 't get a pay rise , or recognition for a job well done . It is a rewarding job when I see a smile on my daughter 's face . . but on the hard days ? It really is a battle . I miss Phil . He works such long hours and when he is here I 'm so tired I sometimes can 't even speak . I think maybe what we need is a nice holiday … I 'm fine with it being in this country . . but just away from the stresses and strains of daily life . . away from the home , away from distraction and obligation . I want time to properly reconnect , and laugh again . I hope none of you read this post as me having any regret regarding career history and the future etc … I am merely expressing how I feel . With so many things I never really feel one way … my opinions can change from day to day and I guess I am just trying to make sense of the events that have happened in my life . I am so lucky to have had the jobs I have had and I have learned so much from all of them . I have definitely learned that sitting in the background working hard doesn 't get you recognition and that you need the confidence to assert how good you are and fight for what you deserve . Not a truth I wanted to learn given my preference of being humble and all . I get more resilient everyday . I hope you do too . I am going to go now as I really am just typing my thoughts as I think them and it probably doesn 't make for much of an interesting read . Especially when it 's mainly me wondering about the future and complaining a lot . One thing you will learn about me … I complain a lot , but I do this when elated or depressed , it 's kind of one of my things . In fact it is a hobby I have indulged in more than ever recently ! Maybe I have not lost myself after all . Author melodramaticpumpkinPosted on April 16 , 2016April 16 , 2016Tags anxiety , carer , dinosaur , GAD , personal , pokemon , ramblingLeave a comment on I will Never be an Archaeologist Finding the Balance with Anxiety I think part of the problem with my current level of anxiety is managing my expectations of myself and coming to understand what amount of emotion ( or lack of ) is normal . When I take my daily medication ( sertraline ) I am always so aware that I am purposely opting in to changing my brain chemistry . The more I think about it the more I freak myself out and then I end up overthinking about what is normal and how do I know what I am doing is right , and how do I know this is making me better and not just numb or placid . When I am anxious ( which I am pretty much all of the time ) I am SO tense . I remind myself constantly " breathe properly " " loosen your shoulders " " relax ! Stop being so uptight and on edge " " Just sit down for a bit and do nothing " . I do those things … but before I know it I 'm back at the edge of my seat with a tight chest , checking the time constantly , checking my phone constantly , pacing around doing productive things and then rushing around because I simply cannot sit still . I have become a terrible car passenger … I cling to the door , I panic over any potential threat and thud down hard on my phantom foot pedal … I often arrive at my destination flustered , relieved , sick . To someone not suffering with anxiety it can make them think you are just neurotic , inexplicably uptight , over emotional , irrational , flaky , unreliable , and so many other things . Yes to a degree I am all of those things and more , but I am also kind , caring , thoughtful , fatigued , guilty , sad , and many other things . It 's so hard to explain to someone who doesn 't understand and it is easy to lose friends . I know … I won 't drive on motorways . . that is just one of the things my anxiety prevents me from doing . I have a few close friends who are so empathetic towards these things and really cater to make sure I can still feel a bit " normal " . I get a bit obsessive about touching buttons and handles that aren 't in my house . I am fully aware of how ridiculous this sounds … but this doesn 't stop that feeling of panic . Much like the panic I feel when I am in a busy shop … the tannoy is going , there is hustle and bustle , my child is crying , her feeding pump is alarming , and I have 100s of thoughts running through my mind . The lights seem to bright suddenly , someone bumps into you , your child starts to cough . . it can sometimes only take one little trigger to send you into a bit of a breakdown . I am getting much better in those situations now though thankfully . It has taken a lot of effort and energy . I see a lot of memes about anxiety and getting stressed about getting stressed - and it 's totally true . Even when things are absolutely fine in that moment I am still panicking inside worrying if my parents are okay , if I locked the door , if Amy will need more surgery . . anything and everything . It is an all consuming monster . Medication has been a saviour for me . Going to the doctor is not weak , it is quite the antithesis . For a while it felt like admitting defeat but actually it was foolish of me not to have gone sooner . Finding the right dosage hasn 't been easy … I have tried a couple of different medications with varying outcomes and some nasty side effects . I think the side effects I hated most were the headaches , nausea , numbness , seeming distant to others and the jaw grinding . I seem to have got myself to a place where the benefits outweigh the side effects and I think the dose is right . Though I am convinced that overeating is one of the side effects and I am now having a battle with the bulge worse than ever before . I 'm not on maximum dose , I was offered it - but for now I would like to keep it where I am so I know that if things get desperate there is scope to increase it . I also started CBT ( cognitive behavioural therapy ) recently . My health visitor and various other professionals have been imploring me to for some time now and the stubborn part of me is still a bit adamant that I can get through this myself . I am a very open person , I wear my heart on my sleeve and have no issue talking about my problems . I find a lot of my issues are circumstantial and that my anxiety has been exacerbated by things out of my control . So I didn 't feel that CBT would be a benefit . . but then the panic attacks came back . I have had a few in the last few months and they are a very real and very frightening thing . As soon as they appeared in my life I knew it was time to seek extra help . My first session was okay . Not what I expected . For some reason I was expecting the archetypal illustrious looking office , a bearded psychologist , a maroon chez long sofa for me to drape myself over . Perhaps an antique effect globe , large overpowering bookshelves towering over us … teeming with various books with the titles written in gold on the spine . Ha . I don 't know why I expected to find this in an old NHS building . It was more like a cold room with circle shaped wall stickers , a fresh green painted wall , and a CBT lady probably the same age as me . It was awkward . . I feel like I spent the whole time just rambling and saying what I felt I was meant to say . I felt too aware of the fact this was therapy . I left with homework which irked me as one of my main reasons for my anxiety is my inability to keep up with phone calls , paperwork … you know . . admin typed stuff . I didn 't attend my second session . I had a huge emotional breakdown that morning and I just wanted to stay in . It was Amy 's respite day and all I wanted to do was cry and wallow in my own silly self pity . I got sent a new appointment the other day and now i am panicking as I haven 't done a shred of the homework and nor do I want to . I think maybe this isn 't the help I am after … but I am going to stick with it because heck , I 'm not a quitter … and if it does somehow fix me in some way then job done . I have already tried hard at meditating , and mindfulness techniques and whatever else you find when googling ways to cope with anxiety . For me it hasn 't had the tremendous impact I had hoped it was . You see I am quite observant , I don 't take any moments in life for granted … part of my problem is in fact the opposite … I over analyse absolutely everything , I find it hard to switch off and detach . I think a lot of people must suffer this problem but I do feel that sometimes I feel my emotions to the extreme and agonise on a thought which then darts off on a tangent and leaves me consumed by my own thought . It is quite literally infuriating . I have always been an anxious person … it sort of runs in my family . . a long with depression too . I am never ever late , I am over polite , I worry about others not being happy and so on . Then I had a huge birth trauma resulting in a little girl who is severely neurologically impaired . I was suddenly thrust into this world of tube feeds , suctioning , standing frames , wheelchairs , appointments coming out of my ears and so on . I eventually had to give up work and become a full time carer . I will talk more about this some other time but I did just want to give some insight into why my anxiety status is so poignant right now . Leaving work was a difficult but inevitable decision for me . I have to do what 's right for Amy and I am very honoured to be in a position to be able to do that . I am so lucky I get to be around her all the time . Parenting is hard . . this is next level … but the rewards are tenfold at least . I was brought up wanting to pay my way , make something of myself , earn money and work hard . So letting go of that when I was building a career felt like a big set back at first . I still cringe when people ask what I do for a living because I am so sure they translate " full time carer " as " full time mummy " as in " I don 't want to work " … and they probably don 't think that , but that 's how it feels . ( That is not a dig at any full time mums by the way . . we all do what we do and I have huge respect for everyone that is doing what they have to do to raise their child etc ) . So I had to totally reevaluate what I thought the purpose of life was . It 's enough to throw you into a bit of an existential crisis and that 's easily done when you have a brain like mine . In the end I decided that the reason for life is to help people and make people smile . It sounds so pathetic and cheesy I know . . and obviously there are people out there being surgeons , doctors , mechanics . . all very important things … and I don 't want to undermine that . But for me . . right now . . the purpose is give Amy every opportunity and make sure I make as many people happy as I can . I can 't be happy when others aren 't . Once Amy is settled at nursery , and we have resolved her feeding issues ( another issue for another time ! ) and various other things … I hope to look for either volunteer work or a very small part time job . I am not even remotely materialistic but I do want to have a little money just to help pay towards running the car and bills … and of course coffee shop trips . I have a lot planned for the future . A lot of pressure on myself for a lot of things . I really want another child too but two miscarriages and now an issue with an ovary in addition to a birth trauma has me a little perturbed by the whole thing . I won 't let it stop me but for now it is a waiting game . Our housing situation is a waiting game too . We are told our little house isn 't adaptable for a wet room , hoist tracking etc so we will need to sell our house and join a social housing waiting list … another difficult thing to digest . The last two years has taught me more than I learned in my whole life thus far . 3 years at university was fantastic , but it has nothing on the life experience I have gained since having Amy . I love the special needs world . I have met some of the most amazing people ever and been inspired and in awe of so many people when I hear their stories . In some ways it has helped with my anxiety and I know that as time passes I will continue to become more resilient . Last year if someone asked me what was " wrong " with amy I would have been quite hurt by the wording . . whereas now . . on a slightly different perspective I see it as an opportunity to raise awareness and educate people . The more awareness we raise the more understanding and the more inclusion we get . The more inclusion we get the more likely we are to live in a world where a ramp into a building isn 't a luxury or a guilt trip but standard so EVERYONE has access to things . I hope that in my life I can help make life easier for people and for myself . It seems that social media is enlightening a lot of people on chronic illnesses and making us aware of the strife others face . For me eczema affects my daily life and has done every day of my life . These days it is mainly my hands that are affected . Don 't get me wrong , I know there are far worse illnesses and I know that my daughter has contended with much more than this . But I have never really put into words my journey with eczema and not a day passes where I don 't wish I didn 't have this problem . I am also aware that there are people who suffer with eczema far worse than myself and they have my deepest empathy . I don 't write this post as a whinge , " feel sorry for me " or a " oh woe is me " entry , I just felt like writing about it as today it has been my main focus as I try feverishly to recover from my latest flare up . ( Amy is at respite so I have had my hands free - er than usual ) Recently I am afflicted with a flare up that I haven 't been able to tame . I can attribute a lot of the blame to my care duties with Amy - She is tube fed and this means drawing up a lot of medications , washing my hands a lot , cleaning a lot of syringes . In addition to this I do a lot more laundry than most people probably do , and also bath her a lot as well - all related to her gastro / feeding issues . The knock on effect is that I am constantly dealing with chemicals , wetness and all sorts . I have a diprobase pump in most rooms and have switched to eczema friendly hand wash ( dermol 500 ) … in addition to this I have special shower gels , diprobase , cetraben , ultrabase , and epaderm . My doctor has stopped my steroid creams because I have been using them for too long and it is actually exacerbating my symptoms . My very kind friend Lucy recently posted me some zinc based bandages for helping atopic eczema . I think the idea is that you wrap them on , then cover with normal bandages and leave it for 3 days . It seems to work , and the bandages are quite fun to put on . You get the added bonus of looking like your hand has been mummified , and if you 're as fascinated by ancient Egypt as I am , then this is a true Brucey bonus . Unfortunately though due to the location of my eczema it is very difficult to keep the bandages on for this amount of time - my lifestyle is not suited to relaxed hands ! I have been keeping them on overnight and trying hard not to itch , I also have cotton gloves for helping epaderm soak in properly overnight . It 's still not gone though . My hands are so so dry . The temptatinon to itch is overwhelming . When I visited my GP last week she was visibly shocked by the extent of the damage . My hands and fingers were weeping , bleeding and so blistered . I wanted to cry . If you 're like me , and living in the UK with this - if you don 't have a pre payment prescription I suggest you set one up ! I got prescribed about 5 different creams last time and if I wasn 't paying £ 10 . 50 per month for my precriptions it would have cost me about £ 40 ! I miss using heavily scented bath products like radox and stuff from lush , I wish I could use my hands with confidence , I wish I didn 't have to spray my perfume on my clothes . I am dreading summer and the need to apply sun cream . . this is usually guaranteed flare up . . I think I would rather burn from the sun than from eczema . In my desperation I have been reading up obsessively on causes of eczema , and treatments . The fact that it is on my hands is obviously pointing towards it being from things I have to do with my hands . So I wear washing up gloves when cleaning , spontex gloves if dying hair and sometimes preparing food . . I read that some people bathe in oats , or they try to rule out allergies by cutting out dairy , gluten etc . I don 't have the will power or motivation to cut out dairy or gluten , as for oats . . i keep forgetting to buy them . I have been bathing in oilatum recently and i love the smell . . I just miss the foam because 1 ) It is pretty and 2 ) It hides my fat whilst I 'm bathing and I can pretend I 'm a mermaid or supermodel , and let 's not rule out bubble - bodied human hybrid centaur - like thing . I am always envious of people who don 't have to deal with this … not that I would wish this on anyone . I hope when I complain about it people can understand that this is a lifelong , ongoing , chronic illness . It isn 't just a bit of dry skin … it is burning , agonising , bleeding horror ! So , I will go now , as in less than an hour I need to pick Amy up and I am wasting valuable hand moisturising time typing … it was either that , or a greasy keyboard .
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I 'm smiling , and I can 't stop . I know life isn 't all about money , but it sure makes it easier sometimes . Today I had my year - end review ; I was kind of scared due to the semi - recent fiascoes which had occurred . Instead of it being bad , it was pretty good . In fact , I got a bigger raise than what I was expecting . Instead of the 50 - cent an hour raise that was promised in my contract , I got a dollar - an - hour raise ! Whooo hooo . And my lunch with the bosses wife lasted more than 2 hours ! Thank you Jesus ! This has been a WONDERFUL day ! Gotta get back to work now ! I 've been asking a lot of questions of myself here lately . " Why am I here ? " is the big one right now , followed closely by " What is my purpose in life ? What place do I fill in the world ? Who , what and WHERE am I supposed to be ? " I firmly believe God has a plan for all of us - what I don 't know is if his plan is set in concrete , aboslute terms or if he has a general , vague conception of where he wants each of us to be . Whichever it is , I 'm totally lost and have no clue how to discover it . I 've been feeling like the lines from one of my favorite Concrete Blonde songs here latelylike a book with missing pageslike a story incompletelike a painting left unfinishedit feels like not enough to eat . " Little Conversations " - Concrete BlondeI 'm overwhelmed and bored at the same time . Overwhelmed between school , work and kids ; bored by my job and impatient to see what 's around that next corner . I know what I want , but I have to figure out if that 's also what is meant to happen , or if it would just hurt everyone involved and cause a disaster of nuclear proportions . And there ' are other things clouding the issue - my fear of rejection , the logistics of what I want , figuring out if anyone else is wanting the same thing I am , etc . It has me feeling confused and adrift lately , so I have therefore been questioning every major event in my life , trying to figure out if the key to the future is in my past , or if my past is just so much baggage that needs to be thrown off the train . Trying to figure out where I am supposed to exist in this world , what sort of impact ( good or bad ) I 'm having on Jamie , if I 've done all that I should have done , etc . Your typical late - night " Dear God , please don 't let me have messed things up too badly and what do you have planned for me " kind of anxiety , mixed in with a bit of " please don 't let this be all there is to life because if it is I don 't know if I can stand it much longer " whining . I feel as if there is something essential that I 'm missing , or haven 't understood , because I don 't feel as though IPosted by Wow , it 's been way too long since my last post . How did four days get past me without me realizing how long it 's been ? A LOT has happened since then . First of all , let me say that Jamie 's soccer team won their second game ! Jamie played goalie and did a fantastic job ! Secondly , Jamie 's coach awarded Jamie the " player of the game " medal for his defense skills and " assist " on the goal in the first game . All the kids get one for some reason or another throughout the season , but Jamie was very proud that he got it for the first game . Two other kids got medals for the first game , too . Coach White usually gives a medal for best defense , best offense , and best all - around for each game . They get actual soccer medals , and the kids are so proud and just light up when they get one ! Destiny got to witness her first soccer game this past Saturday . She stayed at our house from 6 p . m . Friday night until about 10 p . m . Saturday night . Rachel had to go from school straight to work on Friday and had to work until past 9 p . m . Then Rachel had school first thing Saturday morning then work right after that until after 9 p . m . again . So Destiny got to be my little adopted daughter . It was fun ( but exhausting ) . She was especially excited that she got to wear Jamie 's soccer jersey from last season to the game . It was so cute to hear her yelling " Go , Janie ! " ( she can 't tell the difference yet between the " n " and " m " sounds ) and " Go , Wizzawds ! " She absolutely adores Jamie and runs after him like a little sister would . Jamie is at a stage where girls are kind of icky , so he treats Destiny like she really is his little sister . I spent a lot of time refereeing them , as Jamie was getting upset and yelling " Mom , she 's touching my stuff ! " It was actually pretty amusing . As you can see from the picture below , she 's ecstatic over how she 's dressed , and Jamie isn 't amused at all ! LOL ! In other news , school is still truckin ' right along , and the pace at work has let up some . I actually got to study for two hours at work on Friday , and should have some timPosted by I 'm in love . Really , truly , I am . Let me tell you a little bit about him . He 's white , has a super sharp " brain " and " thinks " really really fast . Faster than any other I 've ever had . He 's trim and sleek , and does whatever I ask of him without balking . All I have to do is stroke him a little , and he does it . His name is Mac , well , iMac , actually , and he 's the laptop I received late Tuesday night from my brother . Ha ha ! Had you going there for a minute , didn 't I ? Those of you who know me know that I wouldn 't abandon my affections for a certain ( albeit clueless ) person ! But I couldn 't resist telling how much my new computer ROCKS ! Thank you , Bubby ! He even pre - loaded it with all the Mac versions of the MS Office programs I need for school , as well as web design software I 'm going to need for work , and Photoshop , which I use for work and the PTA newsletter , as well as for posting cute pictures of Jamie and Ziggy on the web . I can 't say it enough : THANK YOU BUBBY ! ! ! ! ! The only problem I seem to be having with my Mac is that I can 't get my printer to work on it . I even went online and downloaded an " open source " printer driver that 's supposed to work with my ancient HP Deskjet 632c . Alas , it does not . Looks like I 'm going to have to add money for a new printer ( maybe with a scanner and copier , too ? ) into my budget . Perhaps I could justify it as my birthday present to myself . Or , you all could e - mail me if you have any suggestions , and I try that to see if I can get my current printer working . Anyway , I didn 't blog yesterday for myriad reasons : 1 . Jamie was home sick yesterday . He was up all night Tuesday night with ear pain . We went to Wally World in the middle of the night to get some soothing ear drops for him . Took him to doctor yesterday . Diagnosis : Ear infection caused by sinus drainage attributed to ineffective allergy medicine . Got a ' script for him and he 's back at school and I 'm back at work today . 2 . I have a huge paper due Friday , as well as several assignments in other classes due tonight , and I haven 't finishePosted by Today , I am completely lacking in motivation to deal with tedious paperwork . I babysat Rachel 's 2 year old daughter , Destiny , yesterday so that Rachel could go work at her new job ( yay , Rachel ! ) But I 'm not used to hyperactive 2 year olds anymore , so I 'm totally exhausted . Although , it was fun to give her a bath and do girlie things like fixing her hair , etc . However , today , I 'm out of steam . No juice . Nothing . I wanna go home and go back to bed . In fact , I feel about like Destiny did yesterday after I picked her up from her babysitters . . . Maybe the fact that she got a 30 minute nap on the way home is what gave her all the energy to run me ragged . Jamie was a really big helper and played with her . After she left , it was funny , because the minute Rachel went out the door with Destiny , Jamie swiped the back of his hand across his forehead and said " Pshew ! " LOL Jamie 's team won this morning ! YAY ! It was a very exciting game , as Jamie 's team didn 't score until the last quarter . Wizards got the ball , took it down the field . Jamie was waiting by the goal . Stephen passed the ball to Jamie , Jamie kicked it toward the goal . The Rangers ' goalie got it but lost it when he half - sat on it . Jamie distracted the goalie by making a feint toward the ball , which allowed Stephen to swoop in and kick the ball in the goal . YAY ! GO WIZARDS ! Jamie played three quarters , so he 's understandably tired , especially considering he was so excited about the first game that he didn 't fall asleep until after midnight ! Game was at 8 : 30 and we had to go to the store beforehand to get the after - game snacks . So we got up early ! Jamie 's watching cartoons now , and I wouldn 't be surprised if he took a nap . Okay , so that 's my update on the soccer game . Hopefully soon I 'll get a good camera and be able to post some pictures of a game . Have a great weekend everyone ! The kick - off of Jamie 's soccer season is tomorrow . This should be interesting , as I 'm one of those moms that hollers and yells encouragement and generally deafens the people in front of me . However , I still don 't have all my lung capacity back and still cough quite a bit , so it should be interesting to see if I can make it through the whole game without making myself ill . Guess the inhaler better go with me . My dad 's laptop is doing just fine for me to have ' net access at home . I just had to go out and buy a ethernet adapter for it . Thank you , Bubby , for helping me figure out what the heck to buy . I haven 't bought the router he told me to yet , though , as it 's more expensive than my budget allows . For now , this works . Once I have to link up several computers at once , then I 'll get the router . Gotta get back to work now . I don 't by any means have a dainty foot . But either my foot is small , or Jamie is the next incarnation of the Sasquatch . As evidenced below , I can now wear my son 's shoes . A little tight , yes ; but the fact remains , he 's 8 and I can wear his shoes . Does that mean when he 's a teenager I 'll have to have his shoes special ordered ? What 's the biggest size one can find men 's shoes in your average store ? Should I start saving money now so he 'll have an adequate " shoe fund " ? Will the rest of his body grow to be proportionate to his feet , or will he be hobbit - proportioned ? I now understand what my mother meant about it hurting sometimes to watch your kids grow up . But not only does it give you a pang emotionally , but it also kicks you in the wallet ! Needless to say though , I think he 's worth every penny . ( And no , I haven 't said anything to him about the size of his feet . I don 't want to give him a complex ! ) I 'll never look at Treadmills the same way again ! This video is fun ! I think I 've found my new favorite band . They 're called OK Go . They remind me of what used to be fun about rock and pop . Watch this video here This has definitely been an interesting weekend . Friday night I got to play barefoot soccer in scrimmage with Jamie 's soccer team . Coach wasn 't there and assistant coach got stuck in traffic , so me and some other moms got the kids started on some drills , then had a little scrimmage . I had worn pink flip flops to work that day , so I had to kick them off in order to be able to run around and play soccer . When it was time to go home , I discovered the shoes had landed in a fire ant hill , and ants had infiltrated into the soles and lining of the shoes . Well , I 've developed an allergy to the little twerps , so I couldn 't put the shoes on . I also didn 't want a car full of fire ants , so the shoes went straight into the garbage . And they were my favorite pair of shoes , too ! Friday night , Rachel and Destiny spent the night to make it easier for me to watch Destiny the next morning while her mommy went to class . Destiny is the little blonde , two - year - old diva I 'd talked about before , and she 's funny ! I walked out of the bathroom at one point , and she squealed " I 'm so proud of you ! You went pee pee in the potty ! " It seems she has been getting positive reinforcement from her mommy during potty training , and decided she 'd reciprocate ! I laughed so hard ! About 9 : 35 Saturday morning , I started to wonder when Jamie 's next psych appointment was , as he was running low on medicine . At 9 : 40 , I found the appointment reminder slip , only to discover we were already 10 minutes late for his appointment ! It was supposed to be that day ! OH NO ! I hadn 't had a shower yet , was still in my pj 's , I had a two - year - old in tow , and the doctor 's office was only open until 11 : 30 . So I called to try to reschedule for the next Saturday , but they were booked . They were kind enough to say that if we got there before 11 , they 'd squeeze us in . So , I took a quick shower , got dressed , brushed Destiny 's hair and teeth and we flew all the way over to the other side of town for his appointment . We got there at 10 : 45 and were out of there by 11 : 35 . But then we had Posted by I 'm REALLY sleepy today ! I think I 've been in a sleep - deprived state since school started . I 'm sitting here at work , fighting off falling asleep at the desk . It looks bad to clients when they walk in the door and the first thing they see is the secretary face - down on her desk drooling on the desk blotter . . . My ingrained procrastination and usual over - achievement - seeking is spanking my butt right now ! After much debating with myself , I have decided I am going to drop one of my classes . But I can 't do it quite yet , as I have to get a consortium agreement between the two colleges which I am attending , and the head honcho I have to talk to about it isn 't in the office this week . In the mean time , I have to keep up with my coursework , just in case for some reason H . H . - dude says " no " . Jamie is ecstatic that soccer has started back up for the season . His first practice was on Wednesday , and he was giddy with joy at seeing his coach again . This is his third season with the same coach , and his sixth season playing soccer . He 's getting to be quite the good defender . Coach would even like to see him playing goalie more , but after Jamie 's experience as goalie last season , he 's really having to work at it to not be afraid of the ball when it comes to him . Saturday , I 'm babysitting Destiny , the sassy little two year old who 's simultaneously in love with both my son and my dog . It 's usually a toss up on which one she greets first when she comes over . She loves to play fetch with Ziggy . About a million times a visit , I 'll hear her say " Go gitit , Siggy " ( she can 't make the Z sound yet ) . Then she 'll go looking for Jamie , asking Rachel " Where 's him ? " if she can 't find Jamie . 9 times out of 10 , Jamie 's hiding from her . He claims he 's trying to play hide and seek , but I get the feeling sometimes he 's just hiding , period ! But for the most part , he 's really good with her and plays really well with her . He doesn 't like to admit it in front of his " macho " friends , but he loves playing with babies and little kids . So far , Jamie is off to a gPosted by Okay , you all have been sharing such wonderful stories about what 's going on in your lives , but I have been woefully absent from the blogfest . So now it 's time for me to ante up my anecdotes . First , a couple of random quotes from the weekend : " Mommy , what did this used to be ? " - Jamie , upon finding a mysterious green and fuzzy object in the back of the fridge . I must confess , I didn 't know the answer to his question ! " Pick a [ cloth ] heart out of the basket . Rub it on your left elbow , rub it really good against your funny bone so your new bear will have a great sense of humor . Rub the heart against your forehead , so he 'll always know what you 're thinking . Now hold it up against your heart so he 'll always know what you 're feeling and that you love him . " - Jami , a Build - A - Bear Workshop employee , instructing my Jamie on how to stuff his new bear . After this little ritual , Jamie got to pop the heart inside the bear , then watch as Jami ( getting confusing , isn 't it ) put a tube in the hole in the back of said bear and filled him with stuffing . " There 's a hole in this underwear . Let 's get another one . " - Rachel , upon examining the underwear selections for the bears at Build - A - Bear Workshop . " Um , Rachel , that 's for their tails . " - Me , pointing out to Rachel that there are supposed to be holes in the underwear . Now for the update on Life in Hacker Haus : This week is going to be kind of crazy . The first PTA meeting is tonight at 5 : 45 . I won 't have anything to report , but I 'll be there , anyway . Then Jamie 's soccer season starts tomorrow night with practice at 5 : 30 . Thursday is the due date for many of my homework assignments ( which , sadly , I haven 't completed yet ) . Friday Jamie has soccer practice again at 5 : 30 . Saturday morning I 'll probably be watching R - 's daughter D - while R - has her first Saturday class . Then Saturday afternoon we 'll be going to Dad 's and I 'll be taking more homework down with me . I got a little upset with Jamie over the weekend . All last week , he talked about how he was running for student council . All I heard Posted by As much as I nag ( yes , I used the " n " word ) ya 'll to post , I 've been woefully lax myself . I was gently reminded of this via e - mail . However , I would like to plead my case as a busy mother before you . I have been devoting a lot of time to my studies and my job this week . Added to that , yesterday , my friend R - came over and helped me get some order to this chaos that was my apartment . It was a HUGE task . She was here from noon until 11 p . m . And we still aren 't done , but the apartment is at a place where I can handle it on my own now without being overwhelmed by the mere thought of what all had to be done . Let me put it to you this way , R - found so many dirty clothes that I have already done about 8 loads of laundry , and I know I have at least that many more loads yet to do ! Then today , Jamie had to get his promised reward . Jamie didn 't get any pieces of his behaviour pyramid taken down for the whole MONTH of August ( okay , so it was more like three weeks . You get the idea ! ) This was a massive accomplishment for him . So , as I had promised him , I took him to Build - A - Bear Workshop to make a small bear ( short month = small bear . Next month is a longer month , which = bigger bear ) . So , Jamie had a blast picking out what bear he wanted to make , how much stuffing needed to be in it , what clothes to put on it , etc . He hasn 't let go of the bear yet since he got it ( even took it in the bathroom with him ! ) So , I would like to you all to meet Jamie 's new best friend : Jamie absolutely fell in love with the oufit from Toy Story . You know which space ranger this outfit represents . Jamie got to name his bear and print out a birth certificate . He couldn 't think of a name for him , so I got to name him . He 's called " Fuzz Lightyear . " Pretty clever , even if I do say so myself ! Tomorrow is a day for more schoolwork and visiting Dad . Pretty much I 'm taking my school books out there with me and locking myself in the bedroom with paper , pencils and books to read and take notes . Jamie and Dad will go out to the shed to do boy things or whatever . MPosted by
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