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I didn 't get as much competing done as I would have liked and fell short of my goal of entering an event each month of the year . But upon reflection , it would have deterred from the goal of Ironman training AND it would have hit the hip pocket hard . It 's so costly putting two people into events . It has been a year since Coach and I have been officially working together and in that short time I have made some significant gains . Swimming is so much stronger , comfortable and I exit the water feeling strong . Bike , Well , that has been huge . Hitting the hills of the National Park with the Crew has added a whole new gear for me on the bike and with the weight loss also I can really feel some positive gains . Run . . . . well we are still working on that one . I would call it my weakest sport of the three for sure but I don 't ever really get enough time to build up my run fitness before the itb flares up . However , we ( Coach and I ) continue to work on , strengthen , change and strategize ways of getting me around the itb issue . Latest effort is a trip to the Podiatrist ( awesome guy ) who has given me some new orthotics . So I am breaking them in and taking the opportunity to ease back into the running . With 4 months left to go it 's going to be close . But if the experts continue to remain optimistic than who am I to doubt them . I just gotta keep chipping away at it and stay positive . So I am another year older , 47 puts me smack bang in the middle of my age group . But looking forward to hopefully being competitive in my class . I am looking forward to lots of fun and hard work with the Crew and Coach and focusing on the run now that we have a run squad organised . Already feeling some good gains there too . Coach has given me a couple of pointers already on my form . Perhaps he is being polite at this stage with just a couple of adjustments but at least he didn 't have to pull me up and do a complete re - build on the form . I 'm looking forward to the long miles ahead on the bike with the girls of the Crew . What a great bunch . I feel really comfortable and it certainly takes the sting out of the legs when you can have a laugh during the ride . The ? here though is whether to sign up for Ironman Melbourne in March 2014 . Talking with Coach the other day while getting treatment on that pesky itb he asked me what the future was going to look like . Never one for looking too far ahead ; I could only see myself doing much of the same as now as training is now a lifestyle for us . Sure I have goals and dreams outside of Ironman , but who knows how long I have to play , so I will keep going while the body , heart and mind are still keen . Coach seemed to think I should keep doing Ironman . Wow , was that a boost to hear him say that . The thought of having his guidance and continuing the gains I have made so far was morale boosting to say the least . And hell , what else am I going to spend my money on ? It was HOT last night . Big Gazza and I couldn 't stand it anymore sitting in a stuffy house . As it the 1st of December and 1st day of summer we pulled on the cozzies and headed for the beach . 8pm , still 35 degress and storm clouds were threatening action overhead , but nothing eventuated . Just a distant rumble of thunder but eh all talk , no action . I love nights like these . Takes me back to when I was a kid . We lived close to where I am today . Having never really moved far from my childhood stomping ground I feel like I have a memory down every street . My Dood ( family name for Dad ) and I used to sit on our front veranda watching the clouds gathering hoping like crazy that it would turn into an electrical storm . I wonder now if it was his way of making sure I was never scared of storms . But anyway , us 3 kids would climb all over him laughing and enjoying the show . He in his undies that he claimed were the same as swimmers , us still with our cozzies on after a full day of summer sun at the beach ( not a dollop of sunscreen to be seen all day ) . A crack of thunder would have us applauding and cheering and then counting , hoping for a craized streak of lightening to follow close behind and tell us how close the storm was . Bundeena in the National Park 1974 - pre Sunscreen being invented I 'm sure . Usually electrical storms are on the tail of a hot sticky , humid day and yesterday was one of those days . I had been looking forward to the Saturday Crew Ride all week and when I woke up at 4 . 30am and the air was still and thick and the covers had been kicked off the bed during the night , I knew the weather man had it right and it was going to be Scorch - io . I rolled up just before 6am got the usual kit together and with time in hand managed to get a few warm up stretches done . The word from Coach on the program was " let 's see if we can get you gals round the loop today . " I remember back in about July talking to Coach and he said that by November 100 - 110km rides should be the ' Norm ' each weekend and I knew we were a fair bit behind that goal due in part to the itb ( grrrr ) and due to a few other issues as being sick , recovery after Port , taking new girls out on the ride or life in general getting in the way . Megzy had said at running earlier in the week that she really wanted to get the loop done at least once before Christmas . I was keen too . I was also keen to have every box ticked on my program this week . The last few weeks had been easier and rest weeks . This week felt like getting back into it and it was feeling good . I decided at the beginning of the week on a strategy for taking notice of my fatigue levels ( See previous blog ) . I need to take more responsibility / notice of my fatigue and communicate to Coach how I am travelling . The strategy I decided on was to change a few columns in my diary . Calories Burnt became Sleep , HR Zone became Fatigue , Times exercising became Attitude / Head and I added a column for Body . So upon waking I have been measuring ( rating scale of 0 - 10 ) how well I slept , how fatigued I feel , where my head / attitude towards doing the planned set is and how the body is coping with the load . I have been repeating the process after work just prior to the pm sessions . It 's an interesting experiment and worthwhile I think so far . So with easing back into full work load and my rating scale all reading positives and a tick in each box of my program I was heading into our long ride with a pumped attitude and a quiet determination to ' get it done ! ' The girls rolled out with Megzy and I on the front . Seems to be the standard now as we snake along the coast road in flying formation . Close behind is Macca ( a great gal who I will call Macca as she reminds me so much of another friend of mine who has a big laugh and great Aussie girl humour ) , next to her is Lil Dog ( no need for an anonymous nickname to hide the innocent required there ) , Kel who came out for a short ride as she is doing I . M Busselton in Western Australia next weekend and another girl who has just joined the Crew and so hasn 't got a nickname yet ! ! ! but soon I 'm sure . The trip up to Bald Hill was an easy one ; uneventful but for a flat tyre which Kel dutifully changed for Lil Dog and I helped by adding pit crew sound effects as Kel worked . Within a couple of minutes ( impressive ) we were on our way again . At the top of the steep climb , which is actually starting to get easier ( hmm could I be getting stronger ? ) we lost 3 of the team as they turned and headed for home leaving Macca , Megzy and Sammi to carry on North . The ride heads down into the National Park and as the steamy rainforest wrapped its stickiness around us I relaxed into the curves being careful to stay away from the slippery white lines and mossy edges of the road . At the bottom it 's a long 7km grind up to Garie . Our usual turn around BUT NOT TODAY ! Still feeling keen we punched on and in time - trial formation we rode the undulating course to Audley . I haven 't been there since I was about 9 I reckon . A great day with my Grandma who was visiting from Scotland . Not having grandparents in Aus meant I never knew how special it is to have an extended family . I am so jealous of Kez who gets to have Grandood cuddles and time with Grandmoom doing art & craft together . Audley is just beautiful , a forest laddened valley with an easy lazy river at the base with a road that cuts across at water level to create the weir and if you 're really keen you can hire a boat and punt for hours . But not today . The girls had warned me about a steep climb out of Audley and in typical Sammi style I built it up in my head til it was Everest I was about to ascend . We set our gears to easy and our legs to churn and hit the climb . I soon felt I had to overtake Megzy and Macca . I 'm not keen on sitting behind people on a hill , I need wobble room . So I rounded them when it was safe and set my own pace . Too easy ! It was long and yeah the grade was dialled up but not undoable and as we hit the top and headed along the busy highway heading for home I was quietly doing the leaping high - 5s in my head . The highway was awesome . Long clean straights with room for two abreast . Megzy and I held the front while Macca ducked in behind us and we set a cracking pace of 30 - 35km with the wind at our backs . We stopped at a garage station and took quick respite in the airconditioning . A Coke now in the biddon for extra fuel ( so glad I don 't drink Coke usually cause I could feel the pick - me - up straight away ) and we were now descending back into the forest leaving the bustle and noise of the highway behind us and replacing it with bell birds song and our laughter . All ride I had been worrying about this particular section . One more long climb out of the National Park to go . I had it in my head that this section of the ride was going to be hard and I would struggle physically here . I knew it would be about the 85km mark and the legs would be growing weary . True to form I started to over worry the issue and suddenly the legs died again . The conversation had been lively and had distracted me from any tiredness in the legs . But now I had fallen silent and being still at first wheel I started to listen to the legs telling me they were suffering . I started to sing again . Wasn 't really working . When I finally said " geez I think my legs are dead . " The other girls declared their hands and said they were suffering too . Wow that made me feel better . I thought it was just me , but nope they were with me . ok I 'm normal , this is normal and This Too Shall Pass ! I started singing and chatting again and sure enough it passed . Also helped that I downed a full caffeine Dextro Gel . Home straight and still in front wheel I guided the girls over the seven hills to home . The girls thought it was funny that I knew how many hills there were but I have this ride mentally broken down into bite size chewable chunks . We stopped where we had begun six hours earlier tired but content in our achievement . I looked down to discover that my Garmin had let me down and had only recorded 6 . 4kms ! WTF ! Ha that was the toughest 6 . 4kms I have ever ridden . The Loop ! CEXACTLY ! Last night was my scheduled treatment time for physio and 1 : 1 time with Coach . It 's always an amazing opportunity . An hour of uninterrupted time with Coach as he checks the ol ' bod ' is still in one piece , aligned and the itbs are playing the game ( which they are phew ! ) It is also time where Coach checks in on me in other ways . " How are you Sammi ? " is not just about are you sore , are the itbs ok , what hurts . His question more relates to how are you handling the work load , how 's work , are you stressed , are you sleeping , what 's the diet going like , are you tired etc . It 's the mental check - in as well as the body . His approach is wonderfully holistic . Previously , I had brushed over his inquiries with a wave of the hand and a ' Yep I 'm cool . " as a standard response . I have learnt however , that this doesn 't help him learn about me and how much work load he can give me before me and / or the body can 't take any more . Countless hours laying on the physio table with him gently prodding and probing for answers to his questions has finally melted the ice maiden and now when I walk in the room and he asks " How are you Sammi ? " with a concerned and genuine look on his face , finds me sometimes jabbering on about crap that I would never normally discuss with anyone , except maybe Gazza . One of the main things I am discovering is that I find it hard to recognise fatigue . Weird I suppose . I figure if you 're tired then sleep . However , I am learning that if you are fatigued then it is like a snowball rolling down a hill effect I reckon . It 's like doing a hard session and then hitting the showers and bed . You wake up in the morning after a solid nights sleep and expect that during the night your body has recovered and is ready to go again fresh , recovered , stronger and keen for more of the same . WRONG ! ! ! ! ! It 's more like the body has not fully recovered and a little layer of fatigue has stuck itself to the outside of the snowball . Each session adds another layer of fatigue and there is never enough sleep in 8 hours to shake off the layers . Eventually my snowball hits the bottom of the hill and smashes into smithereens . Usually after a race I find or after about 6 weeks of the program . The problem is the smash in reality is me laying in bed for a week unable to find the motivation to get up and do the program / work / sessions . What should happen is that I recognise that there are layers gathering on my snowball , the hill is getting steeper and the snowball is gathering speed . I then need to act and find ways to scrape off the layers , slow the speed and adjust the incline of the hill . I got to say I really haven 't found the answer to how yet . I am trying though and with regular check - iBut now imagine that my snowball which is travelling along at a , let 's say cracking pace , as I get to the end of a big 4 week training cycle and has to travel through a blizzard and then gets hit by an avalanche . Yep , let 's add a good load of outside factors and internal factors to the mix . Good old stress and hormones . Stress for me is having my kid away serving in Afghanistan , having my girlfriend living with us ( moved out now though ) and work . Previously a cruizy individual without a care in the world and could forget totally that work even existed when the weekends came round , now I find myself getting stressed quicker . Remnants of my previous job and the bullying etc that went on . ( But that 's a previous blog ) The point is that I still haven 't healed completely . After all it has only been 6 months . I should give myself a break , and I do . It 's just hard for me to recognise when the stress is coming on and because I internalise it no - one sees what 's happening on the inside . To all , I am in control , calm under fire and happy go lucky . On the inside the blizzard is raging and the snowball is reaching break neck speed . Now let 's add a great big dollop of hormones . Yeah I 'm female and that sux when it comes to the swinging moods and hormones that flush through the system each month or so . At 47 you would think they would quit their fussing and go pick on some other poor soul . But nope , I still find that there are times across the month where , I just wanna kick the poor dog across the yard and then crawl up in a tiny ball and hide from the world and then eat the fridge out . Sometimes there are just never enough Tim Tams to make it go away . And after discussions with Coach I am learning that there are other hormones that are associated with fatigue , neural overload , muscular stress etc that are also in the mix . The snowball is now reaching Warp 6 . . . . . . ( insert Scotty quote " She canny take anymore Captain ! " ) . . . . . . . . As I plummet headlong into oblivion I realise that this week I have a healthy ( or rather unhealthy ) dose of all 3 factors . Yep , I got the hormones , stress and fatigue all mixing up in one big cauldron of steaming crappola . Way to go Sammi ! Answer ? ? ? ? ? ? Give myself a break . Yep , easier said than done . Sleep - ins , program on hold , do what I have to as far as sessions are concerned . Try and eat healthy avoiding comfort food . ( Epic fail on the avoidance strategy ) . TALK TO COACH ! ! ! ! - Working on that one . Tonight is an open water swim with Coach and the Crew . I will roll up for that . Saturday is 100kms on the bike , yep I will roll up for that . Sunday is a club team race , yep I wont let the team down and I 'll show . . . . Monday is rest and then the week will start again . I will pick up my shit covered proverbial snow sled and trudge the long walk back up the hill to jump on the luge ride again . Hoping that I can find strategies to lessen the incline , recognise the snow that I am gathering along the way and put the brake on when I see I am gathering too much speed . Every now and then I find it beneficial and very satisfying to take a look in the rear view mirror of my life . It 's a good way of taking stock , seeing just how far I have come and appreciating what I have achieved . It is also a way of staying grounded . Remembering that once it was all I could do to muster a run to the corner of my street . That riding a bike was something that I did in my childhood with a basket on the front of my bike and spoki - doks making my wheels make a happy tune . Swimming was with a bubble on my back , totally humiliated in Primary school . My parents aren 't sporty . They don 't even go for evening walks . The thought of sweating is insane and only happens while you are at work . Not that mum worked . She stayed at home and took care of us kids while dad brought home the earnings and handed over her housekeeping money on a Thursday night when he got home from the pub . We loved when he came home from the pub . We would be sitting on the floor eating our fish and chips and he would come in with a packet of beer nuts for us to share . It was a typical Aussie household , 3 bedroom house , white picket fence , 3 kids and a dog scenario . Hobbies were horses for the girls and football for my brother . Mum and Dad did the dutiful drive us everywhere job . But never participated . So sporting endeavours would have been supported if I had have chosen to do running or netball or something other than ride my pony . But it was never role modelled . I have never seen my dad run . Where the joy of triathlon came from I am not sure . Finding the pleasure of training and being active and being a part of competition is foreign to my family but it is something that I really love . For me it 's all about seizing life by the throat and running like hell ! And Triathlon is just one of the ways I can validate myself and provide to the judge ( whomever that may be ? ) the evidence that yep , I grabbed every opportunity in life to be the best of my ability and gave it a bloody good crack ! Left - 70 + kgs . I had stopped weighing myself . Pinkies triathlon 6 years ago . Trying to finish 3kms and struggling big time in the heat . I realised at this point that just running , swimming and biking occasionally was not the end of it . Other things had to change too . Diet , attitude , training . Middle - 65kgs . Port Mac 70 . 3 . 2 years ago . I was training but not consistently . Sugar , V drinks , chocolate and the whole " I train therefore I can eat what ever I like " mentality still strong . I did my run in 2hrs and 40mins . I walked some due to the ITB issue . But mostly I walked because I wasn 't fit enough to run the entire distance . Right - 59 . 3kgs . Last weeks Port Mac 70 . 3 . Done in 2hrs 15mins . Ran the whole way except to walk the aid stations . Could have been faster if not for the blister on the arch of my foot . But most importantly is recognising that so much has changed for the better . My diet , my attitude , consistency in my approach and training . There has been a constant need for adjustment , attention to detail , commitment and reaching a realisation that being fit and healthy is so important and integral to me leading a happy and fulfilling life and I believe that those people who I love and have in my life are better for it as well . I am soooooo less grumpy lol . Finally snotty is packed and feeling like crapolla crawled into the passenger seat and promptly went back to sleep . Woke up , yawned , read a little , then slept some more . Got woken up by Gazza saying we had arrived at what feels now like our second home . Port Macquarie . We headed for our accommodation . Smack bang in the middle of the action . Great at the time , walking to transition , restaurants etc not so good at 4am when the volunteers were setting up road barriers and the race director was warming up the P . A . I woke up , opened one eye and guaged how I was feeling . No excuses , I 'm well enough to play . Bike check done I headed for the rendezvous point and there is Coach with the Crew . All chatting excitedly , doing last minute checks and admiring the latest matching earrings and nail decorations in team racing stripes . Yep , we are a deadly serious team ! not . I love the relaxed air and camaraderie of the Crew . There are no over inflated egos here . And if there were I think their balloon would be popped pretty quickly . A few last wise words from the big guy ( not racing this time due to illness ) and we headed for the start . A short walk and then we found ourselves standing on the edge of the water ready to enter . Very little time for a warm up swim today . We are funnelled in and I lose sight of the girls . Gun time and it 's time to rock ' n roll . Hit out hard , found a set of feet to jump on to and rode the wave . Tried to jump across to the next set of feet when I could . Came out of the water feeling good . Could I have gone harder . Yep , but the run is always the unknown and so somewhere I always hold back . 4th in my age group . Let 's hit the bike . Out on the road ready to mount . And here he is larger than life screaming my name . No megaphone required . Roaring for the crowd to hear my name . I mounted and Coach 's energy propelled me into the 1st lap with gusto . I thought and put my head down so that I could let her go . Over the hills and out on to the straights , I dug in hard . Our T . T sessions over the last weeks really paid off as it felt familiar and the legs remembered what to do and got to work . And there it was ! Matthew Flinders Drive hill . My nemesis . My dread , my pain , my fear , looming ahead of me as I rounded the corner . So many times I have dismounted and pushed my bike up this hill . I kept reminding myself that this was a chance to give it a go so that by Ironman I would not have the fear in my head . Visualising before the race for me came down to , ' will I make it up the hill or not ? ' Will I fall off in front of the crowds that always line the hill encouraging those who take on the hill and roaring approval as they crest it and for others , like me who opt for the safer and less humiliating push version , the crowd matches equally with words of encouragement and enthusiasm . But for me , fear comes from several dark places . . . . Fear of failure , fear of being singled out in a crowd , fear of letting my team and Coach down , fear of embarrassing myself . Combine all those fears to one spill on a hill and you have the sum of all my fears . It must be put to rest ! I hit the bottom of the hill and didn 't focus on a run up , but rather , moving smoothly into the ' granny gear ' and finding the ' dig deep ' button . I started to work , a pinch , a moment of doubt , a reassuring ' you can do it ' from the crowd . ' Ease your grip on the bars ' from a single knowing deep voice from the crowd and obeying the voice I focused on legs rather than my hands . I spun up the hill . Twice ! Yep the second lap was a ground hog moment . Out on the run and ok , here we go ! This time I spotted Roberto just ahead of me . Part of me wanted to keep him in my sights and I wanted to run with my training buddy ( the easier option ) . But again the little voice in my head said whoa ! I knew I couldn 't match Kel 's speed and the same applied here . I had to run my own race and besides , my itb was giving off warning shots . Damn it ! there it was again . ok , now I 'm worried . 2kms in and it is telling me it 's not happy through a painful nagging . Pop a panadol and focus on the form . And round the next corner is Coach on his bike . GO SAMMI ! watch the form , run tall , don 't get caught up in the mental games , dig deep ! GO SAMMI ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Yep Coach , I got it . BUT , in a moment of lost focus I made a fatal rookie mistake . Yep , I poured water over myself and wet shoes plus orthodics = blister . A blister as big as a 50c piece on the arch of my left foot . Nice ! Now it 's 12kms to run . I stop and grab some Vaseline and try to run without limping . It 's smarting bad . I pass Coach and I think he saw the look . ' Keep tall Sammi ' he yells and I focus on form and watching the dolphins in the cool river we are running alongside to distract me from the pain at each step . ok , ouch ! Time to pick a box . I start visualising . ok , the box is small enough to hold a blister in . Tight , red , small , now put the pain in it and put a lid on it . Clamp it down tight . Pick something to clamp it down with . ok , found it . That big guy up in front of me running smoothly . He looks like he could be heavy enough to keep the lid down until the end . I watch his legs striding and I fall into a hypnotic rhythm behind him and we run to the finish line . I lose sight of the big guy and the lid flies off . But it 's ok , the race is done and ice cream heals everything including blisters . . . . . . for now anyway . High 5s from Coach . Catch up with the Crew and all are home safe and sound and still smiling . What an amazing day . Sadly though Gazza and Baby Bear had to pull out . But The Onion Man and Roberto are home and happy . Shower , lunch and climb aboard , it 's a 5 hour ride home . Gazza at the wheel , medal swinging from the rear view mirror and I am one very happy Sammi . Got the call last night . Ocean swim . My first thought was ' you beauty , I need to get some salt water flowing through the pipes . ' Gross but true . Nothing like a dose of salt water to clear our the Eustachian tubes . Rolled up beach side and the Crew were there minus Coach and Megzy . Both sick as Mangy Dogs . . . It 's been a huge year for Coach . Looks like they will pull out of the fun at Port Mac this weekend . Maybe a good thing to bench them both and hopefully they have some quiet , relaxing time together . In the meantime we hit the water and there were some big rollers heading out . 3 circuits round the boats and we were done and feeling pretty relaxed and confident about the weekend ahead . Bring it on ! This week also held some reassurances as far as diet is concerned . I headed to Sydney and navigated my way through the throng and found a highly recommended dietitian , Rebecca Hay . She was tucked in a little concrete room with no windows and a splash of colour with framed jerseys signed by sporting identities and tucked way in the back was a picture of Rebecca with her Forster Ironman medal swinging from her neck . We set about dissecting my diet hour by hour . On the while she was happy with the balance of carbs , fat and protein . Could use some extra carbs in the arvo on days that I train heavy . But otherwise all good . Race nutrition however , she felt I was a bit light on when it came to carbs in . An extra Dextro bar an hour . Wholly green Batman ! That 's a lot to add to my day . Getting it down ( and for that matter keeping it down ) might prove tricky . We agreed as it was race week that I wouldn 't change anything at this late hour . But to give it some thought . We also talked about hydration and fluid intake . . . hmmmm always a tricky one as I think I live my life slightly de - hydrated . So I have a fluid chart to complete over the next couple of weeks . Will be interesting to see the results . So now I 'm off to pack . It 's 9pm Friday night . We leave at 6am tomorrow morning and I have a snotty nose . Posted by Tuesday afternoon found me racing out the door from work and heading to the harbour for the first open water swim of the season . We are usually in the water on the first weekend in October but it has been freezing in the water . So with the weather warming up slowly , when I got the call from Coach to meet the gang and don the wetsuits I was keen to get it done . I pulled on the wettie and dived in . It was , shall we say , refreshing ! I immediately felt comfortable and found that all the swim training over the winter had paid off . M biggest indicator was being able to match another girl in the water that had previously been able to beat me . Also , later that night I got a text message from Coach saying that my swim had improved HEAPS ! woohooo For the next two days I was in Sydney for work sitting in an air conditioned room with a bunch of strangers . Combined with an ear that filled with water and wouldn 't drain . . . it was inevitable but yep I woke on Thursday morning with a dry sore throat and a snotty nose . By the end of the day I had the body shakes and by the time I got home I was given my dinner and put to bed by Gazza . Saturday morning saw me up at 4 . 30am ! ! ! ! and eating down codrals in a hope that I would make it through the days training session . Coach had called a team meeting to start at 5 . 45am and I arrived a little late and a lot of fluster . I knocked on the door and entered the house . The crew were all gathered already perched on arms of chairs and floor . I settled in between two of the girls and waited for the Oracle to speak . As Coach had been in New Zealand the past couple of weeks I ( and the crew ) were keen for him to share some of the insights he had gained while working as the physio for the elite ultra triathletes . He had rubbed shoulders with the best Coaches in the sport . Bob Mcgee to name just one . Coach spoke about digging deep . How even the best athletes have to dig deep and have dark moments in their race . But he also said that even the athletes who aren 't as gifted perhaps genetically can still work hard and dig deeper in order to win ( or in my case finish ; ) It 's about hearing the negative thoughts , recognising that things can and do go wrong out there , but not owning the negativity , just acknowledge it and let it pass . I felt I could relate to what he was saying . There have certainly been times in my life where I have felt so terribly trampled and beaten and just wanted to lay down and let the blackness engulf me . But from somewhere , somewhere from within comes the belief in myself that I can ' bloody well walk out of here ! ' and I do ! So we mounted up and headed out . It was going to be a shorter session than the last few weeks . Just one TT . So with the wind behind us we headed North and upwards . I did a PR on Bald Hill . Even feeling like crap I managed a PR . Very happy . We reached the beginning of the TT session and regrouped . When we started the session one of the girls jumped to the front and maintained a lead with me in second , Elyse third and Megzy in 4th . The elastic between Katrina and I stretched and closed , but never really snapped . As we reached the turn around point I realised that the boys had noLater Coach sent this . . . . . . . And with that thought you would think I was hot to trot . Training on fire ready for Port Macquarie 70 . 3 . But no ! It seems staying curled up in bed , in the dark , warm and dry has taken priority over dedication , consistency and focus on goals . Friday was an absolute right off weather wise . Squalling winds and torrential rain made the weekend look less than promising . However , by 6pm we saw the back of the front that moved off shore and the roads start to dry . Coach is away this week in New Zealand . He is mixing it up with the best of the best at a training camp for triathlete legends . He is physio to the stars and also gets to train with them and then pick the coach 's brains at night . What a life ! And yet he still has time for me . A text comes in just as I am about to crawl back under my rock . " All ready for the weekend Sammi ? " I feel like texting back " Hells No ! " But instead it is " OK Coach ! " Let 's get it done Sammi . Suck it up Princess and get up at 4 . 30am , pick up Roberto and Big Gazza and join the Crew for a big day out on the bike . Oh yeah and pack your race nutrition and your runners . We muster at the start of the road and the rules of engagement are explained . 3 x 10km out and backs . Hard and uphill out , fast and furious back . Re - muster at the end before a short break and do it again . And we are off . It is hard . The road is really coarse gravel glued together with a bit of concrete . The verge is even coarser but occasionally the base improves and there is a small smooth reprieve . I hit out at a moderate pace on the first out . Not sure what I am in for I err on the side of caution and hold a steady pace without pushing for fear of a blow up come round 3 or worse still heading home . There are still 7 hills to climb to get home . Back . . . is an amazing downhill run in the aero bars with the wind at your back . Average pace 47kms per hour . Max speed 65 . 7 yoikes ! 2nd and 3rd loops are given in to slowing the pace and allowing Coach 's finance a free pull along as she was suffering a bit . But back again was a free for all and before long I found each time I dropped her easily and pretty soon she couldn 't see me for dust . Very HAPPY ! The jelly legs were there but I managed to run through it , and almost get taken out my a cyclist on the shared bike track . More my fault than his as I had my head down and had strayed onto his side of the track . His eyes ( and mine ) were as big as saucers as we each swerved to avoid a collision . Luckily Rob was there to grab me and haul me to one side . We coasted back tired , relieved and extremely happy with getting it done and finishing strong . BUT WHY DO I NEED A SHOVE OUT FROM UNDER MY ROCK EACH TIME ! ! ! ! ! ! I would have thought by now it would be just ingrained , instinct , easy and effortless . Yeah I 'm no fool . I know we all have days like that . Sunday I met up with Roberto and his Missus . And with Gazza in tow we headed out for an easy 80min run . A nice seaside path with lots to look at and distract us from the pain . The legs BTW have been holding strong with no ITB issues at all . Awesome to hope that 2 weeks out from a race the legs have sorted themselves out . The run was easy with Gazza needing to be reminded that it is an ' easy ' pace . I know when the Ethiopian runners go out for their easy runs they are almost walking and they chat and laugh the whole way . Easy means easy . Hard means hard ! and there should be a demonstrable difference between the two . But Gazza gets in the groove , finds his pace and takes off . And just like Mister Squiggle I need to take him by the hand and ease him back down to Earth . Or scream EASE at him lol . At one point during the run I found myself at the front of our foursome . We hit the one and only hill on the course and before I knew it I was powering up with little effort . Gaz is now telling me to ease the pace . I didn 't think I would ever hear that . He said after he got puffed and checked the pace , here I was striking up the hill harder than ever . Could it be that I am finding my Groove . OH PLEASE LET IT BE SOOOOOO ! Years ago , 19 years to be exact . I turned 28 and I got married . Big Gazza took the leap , whisked me off to Jamberoo for a rendezvous that would last 19 years and counting . We have had some amazing adventures during that time . . . . . . . . and the adventures haven 't stopped and we certainly aren 't slowing down any time soon . While we have each other , our health and the sun shining above us we are packing it in . Happy 19th Anniversary Our Anniversary was spent with a sleep - in which is a novelty for us . Coffee in bed and then we headed out together for a ride North . We stopped and enjoyed the view for a while took a photo . Stopping is another novelty before heading home again . To top it off I decided to throw in a hill climb . Hill 60 . It 's been on my ' to do ' list for a while . Hill 60 , Port Kembla from half way up the hill It was a hard climb , but not undo - able . I just went steady and consistently without blowing up . I noted on Strava when I uploaded that I had come in 2nd with an average speed of 9 . 3 and a HR average of 153 . The girl who owns the QOM got 10 . 7 but her heart rate was 197bpm . Yoikes she must have been close to blowing up ! So a good week overall on the program with a tick in every box , finishing the week strong and with the Pinkies Triathlon to bring it home with flying colours ( check out my race debrief in the Races Page ) . Well , I had a lot to make for this weekend . After a shocker out on the road last Saturday that saw me making the decision to head home after only 15kms of what was supposed to be a 100km ride . I was more than ever , determined to get it right this weekend . At the 15km mark , last week , I turned to Big Gazza and announced I was pulling over . I had said that my legs were not working as we rode along . There was no power in them . It felt heavy and while not painful I was having trouble with each and every turn of the pedal . Before we headed out on the road that morning I was feeling positive and looking forward to notching up my first tonne of the season . So as I sat on the side of the road feeling like I had lead sinkers in my tri - shoes I tried to take an honest account of my situation . Yep , honestly , I can 't do this ride today . So , with my tail between my legs and a sinking heart we headed for home . I was comforted by the fact that even on the way home I couldn 't get going . I rested for the remainder of the weekend and then started a new week with renewed determination to get it right . I ticked the boxes daily . Making sure to put the effort in when Coach told me to , rest and stretch religiously and get a decent night sleep . I headed out with The Onion Man and Big Gazza and we headed North in the direction of the Sea Cliff Bridge and the illusive 100 . By the time we passed the point where I had turned the week before ( only 15kms ) I knew already I had this thing sorted . Even better was when I finished the 100 and had claimed victory over the ride and my legs , I left Big Gazza laying on the floor stretching and proclaiming he was done , I donned the runners , grabbed a hat and headed out down the road again for an ' easy ' 20min run . The legs felt like jelly . You know that weird wobbly ' will me legs collapse under me ' feeling . Yup that was me . After a few walk / run intervals I managed to gain control and finish the run with an unbroken 5minutes . And to top off a great weekend , I headed out this morning with Big Gazza for a 70min run . We headed for a part of town we hadn 't run along for ages and the new view took the mind off the worry that the legs ( ITBs ) wouldn 't hold . I shouldn 't have worried . The legs held . A strategy Coach and I are trying is a 20min spin on the wind . trainer before heading out along with the usual warm up drills . This seemed to work a treat as my lower back and hips seemed to move freer than when I just up and run cold . I was continually bolstered throughout the run . And with 20mins still left to run Gaz pulled out with a niggling lower back issue . And while he walked home I continued on . While usually I would have crumpled having to carry on alone , instead I found myself in the zone and running comfortably . I rounded the final corner and came in strong and and punching the air with flaming high 5s . woop woop ! The weekend was rounded out by a second run in the afternoon . I met up with a friend and ran again in a place that I haven 't run through for a long time . The friend was a distraction too and we chatted happily as we jogged a long at a snail 's pace . My friend has lost a lot of fitness over the last couple of weeks and piled on a heap of weight . Already a big girl the extra kilos has not helped . I found myself jogging on ahead and then doubling back when she stopped to walk and find her breath . Once again the body , legs , heart and head held together and now as I sit here I feel like an Ironman again . The first time in a very long time . I feel bolstered by a great weekend of training . I have had a great week so far . Got to keep that rolling on through to the weekend . But we are up to Wednesday night and so far so good . Energy is good . I have ticked all of the program boxes and sleeping well at night and the diet has been pretty darn good except for a small chocolate stop occasionally . This mornings program said RUN - 50min - keep this nice and relaxed throughout short stops I was awake before the alarm which is great and then dozed til the alarm went off . A bit hard to get up after that but I was so admit this week was going to be good that I shoved myself out of bed and dragged on my running gear . Stepping outside the day was warming up . A light dew on the ground and on windshields , and the grey on night was lifting to expose a cloudless blue sky . I decided to head for the beach and run along the shore line . It was a beautiful day and it made the run all the more easier ( along with the doof doof music booming in my ears from the ipod ) . I ran past the sea pool and along the beach , watching the surf break on the shore and the early morning surfers sitting in the morning salute to the sun position balanced on their boards . So rolling into this weekends race I had had some real gains with my swimming and bike . And even my run was starting to get some forward movement with me running about 6 runs with no ITB pain and starting to ramp up both in distance , time and intervals . I usually have to run a ratio of 4min run and 1 min walk so that I can reset the form and get going again in order to prevent the ITB flaring up . I had also purchased a good pair of Nike runners and was feeling pretty darned good just quietly . I thought I did all of the right things . Did my stretches , clams , warm up run . Set my pace light and easy and ran lightly . The first 2 - 3 kms felt great . The legs , heart , mental attitude was great . There was absolutely no pressure on this race as I was teaming up with a friend who would run a 1 . 20ish minute 10ks . So I cruised along enjoying the sun , sea and mild southerly breeze . At about the 5km mark I started to feel it . That all too common tightening across the knee / leg . Here it comes . great ! I stopped and walked . Ran and walked for another couple of kms . And then it was time to give in and walk / run til I got home . The knee was sore though the usual burning hadn 't started yet . Still , focusing on the positive here . . . Even with all of the walking I came in under the hour for 10kms . Very happy , but no I could have done so much better , frustrating . Straight after the race and after I watched Big Gazza cross the finish line I headed back North and on to the workshop Coach had planned for the Crew . I had an 1 : 45min drive on my own to the workshop . So by the time I got there I was pretty low after the run . Coach met me at the door , saw the look and when I told him he swooped me up and onto the slab ( as the workshop was at the physio rooms ) before I knew it I had about 15 needles along my ITB . The workshop was great , informative and interactive . I loved the discussion and being able to hear other athlete 's ideas and training information . Later we hit the pool for a quick session with the focus on sighting , single arm drills and pool buoy , paddles and bands . Yeah . . . . . It was a great day really except for one lousy backward step . This morning I was back on the slab with a leg and butt looking like a porcupine . Coach and I talked about the injury and my ' thing ' . We all have our thing . . . . . be it ITB , tight hammies , locked swimmers shoulder . It seems that mine is a propensity to tight ITBs . I knew this already . The plan is to make fortnightly visits to see Coach and get the ITB worked on . ( My hip pocket just winced ! ) Sooooo back to the drawing board . . . . Coach says its a matter on trial and push , push , push the body to work out what it can handle and then back it off when we reach the threshold between work and recovery . I need to listen and be in tune with my body , coping , sleeping , stresses and start noting more accurately what is happening to the ol bod so that I can start to predict when we are pushing it to far . Nah there is no plastic motivation here ! It 's just a pure " Just Fucking Do It " approach ( it 's my blog and I can swear if I want to , swear if I want tooooo . . . . ) and a strong desire to achieve something great in my life . To pack as much in as I can , to have a life that was / is truly inspirational , to look back and say wow I had a great ride and to be validated by my family and loved ones as an Awesome Chick who ' sucked the marrow out of life ' - R . Williams , Dead Poet Society . But of late I have been wondering where it ? ( this intangible thing ) has gone . Did my desire dry up like an old sponge that once dripped with that much drive and energy that I could bottle it . Maybe I was motivated after all and now the motivation has gone . Hand me the needle ! Or maybe I am tired and now that I have ticked the Ironman box , the desire , dream , hunger has faded to just a soft growl . For the last couple of weeks I have laid in bed each morning and negotiated with myself regarding whether I should get up and train or roll over and snuggle into the covers of a nice warm bed for just a couple of extra ZZZZZs . Once the alarm goes off I dutifully get up and go to work and feel guilty and cranky at myself if I miss the session . Truth moment . . . . I am the only one that can solve this problem and I know it . There is no secret Motivational Pill I can take to fix what ails me . There is no tap to turn on in order to JFDI . There is no program , no Coach , no training buddy or alarm screaming me to action . It is up to me to get up and get going again . Frustratingly heavy mind games ensue . Negative talk . . . . . . . . . . . I 'm too old ; all the other girls ( my age ) stay home in bed ( or in the words of Baby Sylvester . . . " all the other Pussycaths get to stay in bed ! " ) ; why do another Ironman just stick to the sprints that way you can have a life as well ; there will always be tomorrow so do it then ; if I sleep in today and skip the ride I can make up that lost run by doing two tomorrow ; WTF ! It 's going to hurt , it 's cold , I 'm lonely , it 's wet , wah wah waaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh . . . . . . . . . Ugly ain 't it ? ok then , well why do I want to do another Ironman ? Wasn 't I content with ticking that box ? I guess not . Once bitten by the Ironman Bug it takes a hold of you and is like a systemic disease . It enters your body , mind and life , shapes and changes you till you know nothing else but train , eat , recover , sleep , work , physio / massage then train some more . If you want to talk to me . . . grab your runners and run with me . If you want quality time ? foreplay becomes . . . . . . . . . . here rub this glute . The Crew ? What ? Who are they ? They are ' A ' type personalities that come in many shapes and sizes . Oh yeah and ages . Mostly sub 35 . With one exception . Yep you guessed it . . . . . Me ! I met Coach when I was being coached by another guy . He was / is an amazing athlete , person , all round nice guy . Struck down by a car while out on a training / recovery ride with his Dad . He has been left with a brain injury and that was last June . I like to think of Coach often and send him my thoughts and hopes that he will one day wake up again and be able to at least hold his baby boy . He got me to Ironman . He never gave up on me , never judged , always believed in me , and my memory of him that I look back on with a smile and a tear over . . was on my final lap of the run at Ironman . He was running beside me , beer in one hand , punching the air with the other , totally drunk and high on life shouting . . . . ' You 're gonna be an Ironman Sammi , keep smiling , keep running ' . As his curls bounced about his head . He was right ! Throughout my training leading up to Ironman I worked with the team physio and together they communicated about my progress ( like I was a real athlete or something ) . This tall skinny dude with a deep voice , huge grin and contagious laugh worked on me tirelessly and again never judged , never questioned my motivations and was always positive and shared his experiences and volumes of knowledge with me as I lay there for hours on the slab with needles poking out of both ITBs . When we all realised that Coach was fighting the battle of his life we also realised with sadness that we were alone . We ? As in the athletes that he coached . We all still wear his colours when we ride . But the team has scattered to the wind and most go at it alone now . I guess that Coach gave them enough information that they could go on alone . But for me I was still so totally reliant on him I needed the accountability , the wisdom , the direction and everything else that comes with having a coach in your corner . So , I asked the team physio if he would coach me . A Ballzy move I have to say . He had a stable of fine athletes that he was looking after . The Crew ! These guys and girls are winners . And then there 's me . When I asked I said it in a cheeky moment , laughing so that if he rejected me I could fob it off as a joke and he would never know that I was serious and would be left alone . BUT ! ! ! ! ! When I asked he responded with ' Yup , I 'll Coach you . ' Are you serious ? My head and heart did a jumping high 5 ! . Yeah I 'll coach you he said . Are you sure ? I mean I am hardly a winner . I am an average age grouper and well past my prime with not much room for massive improvement as far as I am a late starter , no athletic background to speak of other than horse riding , rock climbing and sailing . But we had worked together for over a year and had a great relationship that was comfortable and easy . He responded with ' You have the right attitude . I can work with you . ' Sweet . . . . . . . . . . . . So Coach and I have been in this nutsy relationship now since December 2011 . He is such a huge part of my life now . Sunday nights is program night . He emails me my program for the week and I dutifully read over it and ask any questions before setting off into my week . Texts , emails constantly across the week as needed and just a Howdy occasionally to check in with me . Physio sessions continue every so often as my ITBs have a tendency to tighten up over a few weeks and no amount of rolling and self massage can get deep enough . And then there are training days where we catch up either for a swim or of late , a ride . It is so amazing to have this guy around . Yeah I have some Coach love flying here . . . but it is out of respect for the time and attention he gives me . Yeah I pay the $ $ $ $ to have him do the job . But he ain 't the type of dude to take the money , shell out a copy of a generic program and then ignore me or leave me hanging . Coach disappeared overseas for a while to work with the Aussie Olympic Triathlon team in prep for London , but every Sunday night my program rolled in . While he was gone I worked hard on a number of aspects of my training , diet and life in general . So that when he returned and I went to see him he noticed . He saw the weight loss ( 6 . 5kgs who wouldn 't ) but he saw the training and he saw the attitude was even more focused and positive . Saturday long rides with the girls in the Crew have earned me some respect and a feeling that he knows I am deadly serious about the training and about Ironman 2013 . While May next year is miles away , I have a feeling it will be here before we know it . There is work to do . And the motivation ( even though its cold windy and yucky most days still ) is up and ready to go . It is an amazing feeling being a part of a stable of athletes and holding my own . I belong in the Crew ! This is my journey to Ironman Australia , 2011 and beyond . These are the thoughts , actions , emotions and sometimes totally irrational moments that make my journey like no other . In all its rawness , richness and randomness these are the rantings of a Triathlete obsessed with the black line . The one on the bottom of the pool , the long and winding black one ( the roads and trails of Australia ) that I ride and run along and of course that illusive one at the finish line .
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This book was an absolute heartbreaker . And I loved it . Surprised because I really wasn 't expecting much considering I really didn 't like the last book I read by the same author , but I really enjoyed this one . The novel tells the story of 18 year old Samantha , who has a rare disease which will cause memory loss and other nasty side effects , very few teenagers are diagnosed with the disease and very few ( if any ) survive . Sam is very smart and almost ready to graduate high school , with dreams of going to college in New York . Determined to survive and live her life the best she can , in spite of the horrible news she 's been dealing with . She writes The Memory Book as a guide to her future self for when her memory has been sliding and she can 't remember things . She has two younger siblings , a brother and a sister and involved parents who are reluctant about the whole college thing . She sees a guidance councillor regularly and doctors regularly . Sam is a brilliant debater , she 's off to Regional Debate Championships with her friend and debating partner Maddie , she 's set to be Valedictorian when she graduates . And the boy she 's had a crush on for years , Stuart , who went off to New York and became a published writer , has come back into town . All going pretty good . She 's going a high school party and actually talks to her long term crush . However , it all starts to go wrong , symptoms of Sam 's illness which cause her to forget where she is , strike suddenly , and unexpectedly . Maddie freaks because Sam didn 't tell her about the seriousness of her illness , Sam is naturally crushed . Bright point of life is when she starts developing a friendship into something more serious with Stuart . At the same time her childhood friend Cooper has recently come back into her life as well , Cooper became a big baseball star in high school then blew it with a pot addiction . Sam finds an unexpected closeness with Cooper , opening up to him as they reminisce about their childhood companionship . The novel was very emotional , I loved Sam 's voice , given what she was dealing with she was incredibly strong and very brave . Her inner monologue went from a range of emotions from excitement and swooning over her developing relationship with Stuart , funny , moody , despair . She talks about her fears , her desires , what she longs for . The struggles with talking about what she 's going through . Dealing with the fall outs when things happen . By the end I was in floods of tears . I was reading the last 20 % or so during a slow afternoon at work and by the time I 'd finished I had to leave the office and have a cry in the toilets for five minutes . I reread the end again at home and cried all over again . Beautiful , beautiful book . The story manages to go from cute and funny to gut wrenching with some incredibly sad moments . Even so , it was a really amazing read . I loved it so much I bought a finished copy . I received a copy from Netgalley . Not for me , read about 30 pages and I hated it . It 's an interesting concept about a girl who can 't remember anything until she kisses her best friends boyfriend which she actually remembers . The best friends boyfriend is a dick who is clearly taking advantage of FLora because he KNOWS she won 't remember , yet says some bullshit about her being different from all the other girls , so she 's convinces herself she loves him . That alone is eye rolling enough to make me want to throw things . The narrative is also very repetitive I 'm guessing because of the uniqueness of Flora 's illness she can 't remember things so she writes the down and says it to herself over and over , dry annoying very quickly . Not for me . Marking as did not finish . Since The Hollows is one of my favourite urban fantasy series , and probably one the series that got me hooked on urban fantasy in the first place , a prequel to the Hollows was a must have . I put in a Netgalley request as soon as I saw it . ( Even though I 'm only up to book 7 in the series ) . Though after reading it , I can 't honestly say I liked it all that much . It was okay , somewhere between a two and a three star read for me . The first half of the book was full of science stuff that I found incredibly boring and a slog to get through . I 've never DNFed a Kim Harrison book before , so series and author love made me determined to finish it . I found it quite confusing , it didn 't help also that I could have sworn there was a Trent Kalamak in the Rachel Morgan series . It was only when I was reading reviews on Goodreads and saw the questions about this book section that someone else had asked the same thing that was puzzling me . Not the same character , two different characters ( though there was a ding ! moment towards the end of the book that made me go aaaah , that 's why ) . This is all about two dark elf scientists who are fighting it out for funding , Trent and Trisk , both of whom hate each other , Trisk 's created a genetically engineered tomato that will supposedly end third world hunger . Forced to work together each have their own separate agendas . As I said , the first half was all very technical and the two of them playing off each other to get to their own goals . ( I had to keep reminding myself this was set in the 60s as well ) . Favourite classic songs are on the radio as new music . But of course , jealousy rears its ugly head and one thing leads to another , something goes hideously wrong . This resulting in a wide spread disease that nearly wipes out the human race , bringing out the fear and repercussions of a bunch of vampires , witches and other species trying their best to get head of it and survive as well . While at the same time Trisk and a companion , the Dr who created the virus in the first place , there 's links to her genetic tomato , and Trent trying to keep on top of things . The second half was much more exciting as things went from bad to worse and Trisk and her friends try to fix the problem . There 's something - satisfying is not the word I 'd use - but there 's definitely a so that 's how it all happened feeling about now knowing how The Hollows all started , but it 's certainly not a favourite novel . Though I am glad I read it , and would certainly recommend to Hollows fans . This book was brilliant . So delightfully different and unexpected . I 'd completely forgotten what it was about when I started reading it . It 's an early 1940 's based YA novel , set sometime during the Second World War . Beautifully written and really really unique , the way the fantasy is woven together could almost boarder on magical realism . The novel tells the story of Aila and her brother Miles , their mother has died and their father is a pilot who has gone to fight in the war . With no other close relatives , the two are shipped off to the small town of Sterling , where their mother grew up and move in with a dear friend of their mom 's , Matilda Cliffton . Her household consists of her husband , Dr Clifton , their son William who is Aila 's age , and a housekeeper named Genevieve . The Clifftons are very nice if formal and clearly wealthy . In the house Aila notices more strange things and finds out a phenomenon occurs every year something " Disappears " , touch , dreams , reflections . No one really knows how they started , but there are magical remedies called Variants that can recreate these lost things . Aila struggles to make sense of this mystery , at the same time fitting in in a new school and trying to make friends . All the while there is the underlying hint that her mother may have had something to do with starting The Disappearances . Aila 's mother seems to be the only person who has ever left Sterling and regained the things the Disappearances have taken . Which has caused a great mistrust and dislike amongst the townspeople . As Aila makes friends and gets to know the people in her class , she learns more about the history of the town and the founding families and the other interconnecting towns in the area . Early in the novel Aila discovers a book of Shakespeare 's works that has notes written by her mother . The Shakespeare connection is brilliant . It 's woven beautifully into the narrative without being too overwhelming . There 's also a second point of view in alternate chapters from a mysterious man who appears to be looking for his father . It 's not all together clear ( or at least not for this reader ) of whether this is something happening at the time or something that happened in the past . It all becomes relevant later on in the novel . The writing is gorgeous and almost lyrical in its tone , it 's completely absorbing and everything is so incredibly described and so so easy to picture . Incredible history and backstory believable as well . Aila was a very likeable , intelligent lead , head on her shoulders , with some recklessness , a good friend and good sister to her little brother Miles . All the characters are brilliant , all fully fleshed out from the good ones to the nasty ones . There 's a great sense of family as well , the adults are not just side characters , they have their own importance in the novel and not just relegated to necessary background characters . Declan appears to be your typical YA bad boy . Darkly good looking , grumpy yet possibly a lot smarter than everyone thinks he is . He 's sullied by a bad reputation . Whereas Juliet is a typical high school good girl . She has a run in with Declan in the halls one morning and accidentally spills her coffee on him running to class . However , when a teacher comes in a finds him moaning about it and yelling at her , he 's the one who 's carted off to detention . Juliet has been spending a lot of time at the cemetery where her mother is buried and leaves her letters . Declan has community service with the grounds keeper at the same cemetery and one day he finds the unsigned letter Juliet has left her mother . And responds to it . Leading to a letter writing exchange without names . Where both parties explore their grief and guilt over their own losses and start to talk to each other in a way they can 't open up to anyone else . The grief poured into the letters is raw and unflinching , mixing of guilt , anger and responsibility . Juliet and Declan are able to explore feelings they have never admitted to anyone else before , it 's much easier to talk to someone anonymous than admit these feelings their closest friends . The letters eventually become emails . Yet in real life whenever Juliet and Declan have run - ins with each other , it 's unpleasant . They rub each other the wrong way . Yet keep finding themselves running into each other . He helps her out several times . And sometimes some of the things anonymous Declan says in his letters resonate deeply with Juliet , particularly when he talks about how unfair it is that with a bad reputation that wasn 't his fault he 's blamed automatically even when things aren 't his fault . This makes her start to try to open up . Both have tough home situations , Juliet 's dad is trying but kind of absent and checked out . Juliet 's mom was a renowned photographer who was often out of the country in dangerous places . War zones and such . There 's a very hard hitting scene at the front of the book where Juliet 's dad asks her if he can sell her mom 's camera equipment to her mother 's agent , and Juliet falls to pieces . It 's tough to read and absolutely heart breaking . While Declan 's mother is equally passive . His father is in jail after the accident that killed Declan 's sister , and his mom has since gone through a patch of bad relationships and finally married a snotty man who has taken an instant disliking to Declan ( bad reputation at fault again ) and automatically assumes the worst . They argue a lot and Declan 's mom just won 't step in to defend her son . Though Declan doesn 't help himself with an equally pissy attitude . Though it 's clear he loves his mom he 's obviously frustrated by her at the same time . His support system comes from his best friend Rev and his family . Who are all awesome . Juliet and Declan keep finding themselves thrown together and start realising who the person they 're writing to might be . Which shocks both of them . But their feelings for each other are growing deeper and deeper despite their equal reluctance to admit the truth and open up to each other for real . Both find themselves dealing with some home truths in their own home lives which shock them to their cores . This is a brilliant mystery that keeps the reader guessing right until the end . I had my suspects , and still turned out to be wrong . I watch a lot of crime drama so I 'm usually quite good and guessing the killer , but I didn 't see the twist in this one coming at all . ( Admittedly by the time I got to 80 % and all my guesses were still wrong I did skim to the last few chapters to find out who it was , then went back and read it properly ) . Still managed to really surprise me . It 's not the fluffy " Breakfast Club " retelling with a mystery aspect I was expecting . It 's a gritty novel full of secrets . While it 's filled with your typical mix of high school clichés - the jock , the brain , the dangerous but hot dude , the nerd , the princess - each character has their own secrets and well fleshed out personalities behind the cliché façade . All of these characters , who don 't really know each other , they may have one or two classes together but have different friends , and they don 't hang out really . They wind up in detention because a teacher catches them with cell phones in a class where cell phones are not allowed . The phones are not theirs . Of course the teacher won 't listen . By the end of detention , the nerd , Simon , is dead . Each one reacts differently . There 's a great sense of diversity among the characters , and I love how they all dealt with things and showed immense emotional growth over the course and came together to defend each other and solve the mystery . Nothing is as it initially seems and truths slowly start to come out creating big changes for different characters . No one is really who they are first seen to be . An interesting enough plot , but I can 't say I really liked the characters all that much . Alice lives with her cousin Leo after the deaths of her parents , and has lived with them for some time . She 's got a hopeless crush on Leo 's best friend Teddy . Alice is really smart and her dream is to go to college at Stanford because she believes that 's what her parents would have wanted . But when on Teddy 's 18th birthday , Alice buys him a lottery ticket , the ticket is actually winner and Teddy wins a humungous jackpot . Which naturally changes everything . Teddy lives with his mom in a crappy apartment , a downturn after his dad lost all their money due to a gambling habit . Now their lives can massively improve . I don 't get Alice 's crush on Teddy . He 's self - centred and a jerk . I didn 't like him much at all . Alice herself was too much of a goody - two - shoes for my liking . She had a fairly good emotional journey throughout the course of the novel , dealing with her feelings for Teddy , the huge changes that came about since Teddy 's lottery win , the impact it has on their friendship . And of course a hot new guy comes into her life as well , there may or may not be feelings there . Then there 's Alice 's college issues . Teddy offers Alice half of the winnings as she was the one who purchased the tickets . She turns him down . SHE TURNS HIM DOWN . I just can 't imagine an 18 year old without parents turning down that much money . It could make a huge difference to her life . She volunteers at a soup kitchen and has a do gooder nature about her . Good for her . But she 's so saintly it became across as very annoying , at least to this reader . I just can 't believe she turned the money down . She didn 't even take a small sum or anything . Teddy of course achieves instant fame and does what any teenage boy would naturally do - splurge on himself and his friends . With Alice and Leo to try and get him to remain grounded . None of these changes seem to sit well with Alice , who 's still trying to work up the nerve to tell Teddy how she feels but they are arguing more and more . So she distracts herself when a new guy turns up working at the soup kitchen she volunteers at . They hit it off , and suddenly Teddy 's jealous . Insert eye rolling . While this is going on Alice is trying to help Leo decide where he wants to go to college . Leo 's boyfriend is going to one college and Leo has a dream of going somewhere else , and he 's debating on following his boyfriend or trying a long distance thing . Leo is struggling with the decision , but he was a good friend to Alice . He was there when she needed someone to listen to and cheer her up . There was some really good parental involvement in this one , from Teddy 's mom and Alice 's uncle and aunt . Likeable adults with good heads on who actually listen to what their kids are telling them . Alice 's aunt and uncle have some good listening skills , her aunt wants to make sure she knows what she wants when applying for colleges , making the choice for herself and not doing something just simply because this was where her parents went or what Alice thinks they wanted for her . To be in a city she barely remembers anymore , even though she may have lived there briefly when she was a kid . This part of Alice 's journey was quite moving , and had a good emotional impact to it . There were a few scenes when Alice 's dealing with these issues made my eyes mist over . Particularly when she tries to talk to her uncle who was her dad 's brother about what her parents were like after she makes a trip to where she used to live . Quite bitter sweet and a definite tear jerker . The romance angle was completely unsurprising . Kind of predictable really . Teddy did make some personality improvements by the end of the novel , again , not entirely surprising . Not my favourite novel by this author , can 't see myself reading this one again . Jennifer E Smith is one of my favourite contemporary YA writers , and usually an autobuy author for me . Though unfortunately this book was a miss for me . I sort of liked this one and I sort of didn 't . I 'm somewhat torn on what to feel about this book . It 's somewhere between a 3 star and 2 star read for me . The Anna and the French Kiss comparison is what made it snag my interest . Sofia has spent the last few years of her life in Tokyo at an international school with her best friends David and Mika . She has a gigantic crush on David . Her mom is a professor at a university in Tokyo . Mom has been transferred back to the United States . Sofia , her older sister Alison and her mom are leaving in seven days . Sofia has seven days to pack up her room and say goodbye to her friends . Most of this book is pretty much teenagers being teenagers . Sofia is supposed to be packing , but she hangs out with her friends , enjoying the delights of Tokyo , partying , karaoke , staying out way late and lying to your parents about where you are , and crashing at her friend 's house , arguing and making up . And to add to the drama the friend Sofia fell out with years ago , Jamie , is back in Tokyo . She really liked him , but he was jealous over her crush on David and said something he shouldn 't have creating an argument that cost their friendship . Jamie 's good friends with her BFF Mika , and Mika insists on dragging Jamie along on their escapes . Friday is Mika 's birthday and with Sofia 's going away so there is a huge party . Not helped either by the fact that David 's sort of girlfriend Caroline has attached herself to their group even though no one really likes her that much . Typical teen drama . Unfortunately , I found David and Mika to be some of the most incredibly annoying characters I 've come across in a while . David is loud and arrogant , and I just don 't understand Sofia 's obsession with him . He nicknames her " Sofa " which is stupid and irritated the hell out of me . Mika came across to me as selfish . She 's very loud and foul mouthed , with a decent creative streak , she had her moments , but there were plenty of incidents where she and David were really crappy friends to Sofia . Which lead to Sofia being really hurt . While at the same time all this friendship drama is going on , Sofia is having family drama with her older sister Alison . Their parents are divorced , their dad lives in Paris with his new wife and new family . Sofia is given the opportunity to go and live in Paris with him for her senior year rather than go back to the US with Alison and her mom . Which causes major drama between Alison and Sofia as something like this has happened before and it didn 't pan out . Sofia was hurt and never quiet dealt with it . Jamie was a much more likeable love interest than David . He was a nice , considerate boy , who talked to Sofia like a real person , he had his own problems and secrets , and tried not to let the drama have much of an effect on him . He was almost bordering on shy when he came in to the novel , he came alive more and more as the novel developed and showed more of a personality , particularly when he was hanging out with Sofia and their friendship became something more . Sofia had a believable tone of voice and was actually quite likeable . She could be very immature and irritating , for sure . But she had some very deep emotional moments as she dealt with her feelings over leaving Tokyo , returning to the states , working out her true feelings about her father 's flakiness and if she still wanted the dream of living in Paris . The hurt she experienced when her friendships fell apart , and the romance as it developed between her and Jamie . The constant drama did get a bit annoying , and I really did not like David and Mika at all . I did like Sofia . And thought it had a decent ending , a believable one as well , given the dramatics of the novel . I must admit I didn 't read the blurb properly on this book . It came through in a reader recommend thing from Netgalley on my email . I was at work at the time and just glanced it over , the premise was enough to peek my interest . So I put in a request . I didn 't actually read that it was a novel in verse . I 'm not a fan of novels in verse . I 've never read one , the concept just holds no interest to me . While this was certainly a quick read , I read most of it during my lunch hour and finished it off at home , probably under two hours reading time in all . I can 't say I was blown away by the telling of a novel in verse . I find it distracting and annoying . I can 't say I liked the story that much either . It 's a UK based novel , set in London . I found the main character Jess very hard to have much sympathy for . Which makes me feel horrible because she comes from a really awful home situation . Very passive mother who has an absolute asshole of an abusive boyfriend who beats her and rules with an iron fist of fear and intimidation . It 's downright scary to read about . Especially must be awful for Jess who clearly loves her mum but can 't do anything about it . Jess has a definite attitude problem and potty mouth , clearly puts a tough girl act on and has some bitchy tough girl friends . It 's not that I had no empathy for Jess , there were times when I felt terrible for what she was going through . Given her circumstances , her attitude is not at all surprising . But I just didn 't like her . The saving grace of this book was Nicu . I loved Nicu to pieces . He made reading this whole book worthwhile . Nicu 's family are Polish immigrants , looking to make money in the UK . They want to make some decent cash to take back home to their village to give Nicu a good start with a new wife , arranged by his parents and the parents of a girl from their village . Nicu gets no say in this . He has no interest in getting married at all . He 's a decent boy , who in a stupid moment tried shop lifting and got caught . Because he 's an immigrant and because he doesn 't speak very good English , he gets caught and in trouble , but he 's given the same community service option given to Jess . Nicu seems like a nice guy who generally tries to do the right thing . He just caved under pressure of a future he has no desire for and no options to really do something for himself . He made a bad decision and there were consequences for his action . Which he understands and takes responsibility for , by doing what is required of him . Unfortunately , this means attending English school too . He meets Jess at the same community service programme . They have nothing to say to each other at first , but notice each other . And soon find ways of talking to each other . They also both go to the same school and of course notice each other there as well . Jess appears to be embarrassed to be seen talking to Nicu . Her friends are the popular kids , and they are bullies . Nicu suffers terrible bullying , and while Jess doesn 't take part in the name calling and pranks , she doesn 't exactly do anything to stop it either . But Nicu has such a heart wrenching tone of voice , it 's solid and dependable , and as he struggles to cope with his situation he finds Jess to be his reason for going on . As far as he 's concerned the sun rises and sets on her . He 's completely infatuated . And she eventually starts to thaw , little pieces of her tough girl personality slipping aside as Nicu breaks through her layers of protection and starts to get to know a whole different side of Jess . Of course given their respective parental situations , nothing is easy going . Jess 's friends don 't make I any easier , and neither do the boy bullies in their class . One bad decision leads to another and Nicu and Jess find themselves with a horrible choice to make . I didn 't really think much of the way it ended . While one character got a break , one didn 't . And … it just didn 't sit right with me , that one gets away clean and the other makes a huge sacrifice . They both should have got a new start . I can 't say I will be reading another novel in verse any time soon . If either of the two authors wrote a contemporary YA that wasn 't in verse , I would be interested . This novel really didn 't work for me . I don 't really know what to say on this one . I was really looking forward to it as I absolutely loved the author 's debut , Everything Everything , which I just devoured . But I just couldn 't get into this one . It wasn 't a bad book really . The characters were delightfully diverse , the two leads , Daniel and Natasha had fantastic chemistry and a believable romance in a tough situation . I thought it was handled fairly realistically . But … I just didn 't like it . It just didn 't work for me . The premise is an interesting one . Daniel comes from a Korean family who immigrated to America , his dad runs a pharmacy . His brother Charlie has always been the high achiever of the family , though has recently come home from college in disgrace . Daniel has always been in Charlie 's shadow . His parents have very high expectations of him . ( Charlie is an absolute dick ) . Daniel is a more sensitive soul , he has a big university interview , he 's not sure what he wants to do with his life . He has a quirky , almost snarky tone of voice . He likes to write poetry . Natasha 's family came over from Jamaica , her family all live in one small apartment , her dad had dreams of being an actor . He 's got great talent , but can 't seem to get a break , Natasha has a younger brother , and a hard working mom . Natasha herself is very smart and loves science . Her dad got drunk and wound up spilling their family history to a police officer , including telling the police they are illegal immigrants . And now Natasha and her family are twelve hours away from being deported . While they both have great voices , I think what really distracted from their story was random chapters from a whole other points of view . Various characters who have random interactions with both Natasha and Daniel , and whole chapters of random information about things that are relevant in the novel . Sometimes sciency things . There was an almost quirky tone of voice to the while thing , but it felt to me like it was trying to be clever and funny , but it just came across as distracting from the main story . And by half way through these chapters were making my eyes roll more than anything . Even though they all had a part of play in the eventual story . I received a copy from Penguin 's First to Read . I used some of my points to secure my copy of this one . I have a weakness for Romeo & Juliet inspired stories , and that plus the promise of magical realism was what caught my eye about this title . A little apprehensive as I tried to read the author 's debut novel and didn 't get very far at all with it , but I fell head over heels in love with this book almost right away . ( And now I will have to go back and read that debut novel again ) . It 's almost impossible to recap the plot because that would be extremely spoilery . The basic premise is Jack " June " O ' Donnell has lived in a mysterious little town her whole life , she knows there is a feudal history between her family and their neighbours , the Angerts . Something that has been going on for years and years and years . There 's deep history all connected to the strange little magical wonders that surround June 's house and an infamous tree in her family 's yard . It all start to unravel when hanging out with her best friend Hannah one night , June 's neighbour , Saul Angert appears back in town after being gone for years . June knows that the last thing she should be doing is hanging out with an Angert . However , inevitably , June finds Saul knows one of her friends , and she finds herself hanging out with Saul more and more . The writing is delicious , it 's superb . The novel elicits an incredibly emotional response . It 's so amazingly written . It paints such a vivid picture and really made me feel engaged with the characters , and hooked on the story . Also - bonus points for female friendship . June 's relationship with her best friend Hannah is everything you want in a BFF friendship . Trust , sticking up for each other , silliness , being there for each other , listening . It was just wonderful to see the dynamics between the two girls not overshadowed by boys or bitchiness . A brilliant story going easily from funny to cute to dramatic to romantic to gut - wrenching and back again . ( The end made me cry ) . I absolutely loved everything about this book . I wound up with two review copies of this one . I first put in a Netgalley request which I figured was a long shot , and when I didn 't hear anything back in months , I used some of my Penguin First to Read points to secure a copy when it popped up on their read to review site . And then when I 'm half way through the book my Netgalley request was approved . Oh well . I don 't really know what to make of the novel in the end . I gave it a generous 3 stars , but it 's more like two and a half . While I can appreciate the journey of inner strength from the main character , Mariko , I didn 't actually like her all that much . I found the first 100 pages or so incredibly boring . The novel is beautifully written , the scenery is fantastic and the descriptions are vivid and lyrical . The fantasy setting in a Japanese world is fascinating . All marks of a fantasy I should love . But personally , I just could not get into the plot . I found Mariko almost aloof , I didn 't get much of a sense of personality from her at all . I couldn 't connect with her character in a way that would make me as a reader care about what happened to her . That being said , as the novel progressed , the plot did get better and Mariko did show some pretty impressive growth and strength . She 's definitely intelligent and determined , you have to give her that . On the way to her politically arranged marriage her carriage party is attacked by a notorious mercenary group the Black Clan . Mariko survives the attack and doesn 't cower in fear . She 's furious and decides she wants to know the reasons behind . Disguising herself as a boy , she follows the Black Clan and worms her way in . Back in her home province , Mariko 's twin brother Kenshin , is convinced she survived the assassination attempt . Other plots include devious goings on between the Emperor and his Mistress who seems to have some hint at dark dangerous magic and her own political agenda . The Empress who seems quite passive but there 's more to her than meets the eye . The Emperor 's legitimate son ( Mariko 's intended ) and the illegitimate son with their own squabbles . And while all this is going on Mariko in the guise of a boy is uncovering the inner secrets of the Black Clan . Of course there are lots of plot twists and everyone has secrets of their own . Mariko uncovers some shocking truths about the lands she came from and how her lord father runs them , and must decide where her true loyalties lie . There 's a romance agenda as well for Mariko when the truth about her identity is revealed . There are secrets within the Black Clan itself . The plot did improve as the novel goes on and starts getting more into the twisty secrets , there 's a barest hint of some sort of magic involved , but very little of it is explained . Though it 's enough to make the reader want to know more ( or it certainly worked that way for me ) . While Mariko was a difficult character to warm to , her journey throughout the novel is impressive , even with a kind of predictable romance , I want to know what happens next . An enjoyable YA fantasy with a rather unique take on witches . In this novel witches have been living among humans forever , Natural witches , witches born with power , and Learned witches , those who become witches with training . The secret came out and there was wide spread panic , leading to the US government creating " havens " for witches . Towns just for witches where they can feel safe and be with their own kind . There 's also a darker more mysterious kind of witch known as a Void witch . Little is known other than they 're bad news . Aubra is the latest addition to my Worst YA Parent list . She 's obnoxious right from the get go , Macie is clearly struggling with something that happened in the last Haven they conned , something to do with a boy she really liked , but right off there 's an impression it ended badly and the mother was to blame . She flat out ignores Macie 's obvious objections to being where they are now and heads off on her plan . Aubra is a very powerful Natural witch , Macie has a secret about her own power and Aubra often holds this against her to manipulate things to her advantage . She really is a horrible piece of work , but can be very charming when greasing the wheels . Macie was much more likeable . I don 't usually con artist main characters and definitely not characters who are thieves . Though there is something quite sympathetic about Macie , that as a reader I found myself actually liking her as a character . She was a bit stubborn and sulky , under the circumstances this is quite understandable . She could be a bit of a bitch herself , but as the novel progresses , Macie shows some pretty impressive character growth over what she feels is right and wrong . Aubra 's determined to go ahead with her plan to rob the town , and gets to know the right people . Macie finds herself fitting in more than she ever has anywhere and as she gets to know some of the other teens in town , she learns not everyone is what they first seem . There 's much more to people , and as she starts getting to know people and make friends she begins to think of a life without her mother 's overbearing presence . It goes to Macie 's character growth . Over the novel as Macie learns more about Witchtown and the people and discovers her own inner strengths , she also learns some pretty shocking secrets about herself and her own levels of power . And some pretty terrible deceptions on her mother 's part as well . It 's a fun easy read with some great world building , and decent , well fleshed out characters , twisty secrets and some good friendships built , though not without a little drama thrown in . There 's also a little hint of romance but not the main focus of Macie 's attention . Macie shows a tremendous amount of strength and self - worth as her story is told . Also , a really interesting and different take on YA witches , something I 've not seen before . Tiger Lily makes an appearance in this one , as a grown adult woman , with friends of other adult women who have left Neverland and grown up , but still remember Peter and the allure of Neverland itself . It 's interesting to see how they cope with Gwen 's appearance and her strange requests . Though it pulls Gwen back into reality and a life she 's not sure if she wants to give up or not . The women hold a " book club " and there 's one rather poignant scene where they 're discussing a romance novel , " Tryst on the Thames " and later Gwen finds a copy wants to know what it 's about , she 's old enough to understand , but the lady who comes to her aid , Dawn , says rather bluntly if she 's still flying about with Peter Pan she 's not old enough to be discussing romance novels . Kind of a bitter sweet but apt point to illuminate Gwen 's awkward positon . Gwen finds herself going on a shopping trip and getting a new hairdo and these normal teenage things help give her flying the happy boost . Things that would give a normal girl a happy , not something someone deep in magic and Neverland should be that fussed about . Just more of the awkwardness of a teenager dealing with Neverland . And being back in reality brings Gwen back in touch with her potential love interest from the first book , Jay . I actually really like Jay as a character , he listens to Gwen , he likes her , he doesn 't think she 's nuts when she explains her predicament to him . He 's a nice , decent guy and I can see why Gwen confides in him . I like the way their friendship develops and hints that there could be something more between them , but Gwen of course is torn with her duty to Neverland . Gwen has some interesting friendship developments in this one , bringing her to see the sides of adults who have been to Neverland and grown up , and then the more magical side of friendships with the Lost Children and the fairies and Lasiandra the mermaid . The Piper himself is quite a dark and creepy character , and something of a jackass . ( Though I also quite liked the Piper and the role he played later on in the novel ) . We also get to see some of the nastier side of the adults in reality and what they 're doing with the magic and beings stolen from Neverland . I didn 't like the first book in this series much , but this is one of my auto - buy authors , and I snagged a copy from Netgalley with my Hatchette Children 's auto approval . And even bought a finished hardback ( despite the fact that this is not a series I really like , the hardback is really pretty ) . Sometimes I 've found second books better than first books . Unfortunately , I only made it 250 pages or so before calling it quits . Following on from Passenger , Nicholas and Etta are now separated and struggling to find each other and deal with the changes brought about by the events of the end of Passenger . More secrets are revealed , more plot twists . However , I just can 't seem to get into this series at all . It 's beautifully written , plus points for diversity in the characters , and there is clear attention to detail and a phenomenal amount of historical research must have gone into plotting the novel , but I just don 't like it . It 's long winded and boring and not capturing my interest at all . Not for me . Historical I snagged a copy of this one from Netgalley when it was a Read It Now title . I do rather enjoy YA mysteries . I 'm a sucker particularly for missing person mysteries . The plot of this one drew me right in . The mystery aspect was what kept me reading . Overall , I just didn 't like the main character Flynn much . I found him annoying and boarding on obnoxious . He had zero personality , and seemed kind of self - absorbed . Which is not exactly unusual behaviour for a teenage boy . He was so wrapped up in his own issues he barely noticed the problems his girlfriend January was having . January had a friend at the toy shop she worked at , Kaz , who was a few years older . All of course the reader hears from Flynn in the beginning is what an ass Kaz is . Kaz actually turned out to be my favourite character in the whole novel . Who is nothing like Flynn first assumes . As the novel progresses I found as a reader I had a lot of empathy for January , who has lived most of her life in the same town , has the same friends as Flynn , and then her mom married some up and coming Congressman who was fabulously rich and had a certain image to maintain and an asshole of a wayward son of his own , Anson . January was forced to move from her comfortable existence into this new world of fabulous rich political people where January and her mom were supposed to dress and act a certain way . While her mom lapped it up , January not so much . As the novel progresses through flashbacks of conversations and moments that happened between January and Flynn , the reader learns about some of the problems that January was having with her situation , the ones that she told Flynn about . As Flynn starts looking deeper into January 's disappearance himself , he learns about a side of her he never really knew . Which makes him feel confused and guilty . There are lots of questions and very little answers and information and everything new Flynn learns is something surprising . Flynn 's other major conflict throughout the novel is he 's gay and struggling to deal with it . He doesn 't seem to want to really accept it . Kaz is a big help here , and part of what makes Kaz such a wonderful character . He was a voice of reason and someone who really seemed to want to help Flynn and cared about him .
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Support TSSA - Join CelebrityPass · 1 Million Celeb Photos & 15 , 000 Celeb Movies · Real & Fake Celeb Pics and Vids · Join for ONLY $ 4 . 95 ! I do not own Once Upon a Time . It is owned by ABC and Edward Kitsis and Adam Horowitz . I am not making any money from this story . " It would be nice for Owen to stay here with me , " she smiled . His father Kurt Flynn looked annoyed at her effrontery , as whilst she 'd been helpful to them in finding a mechanic and making them some nice meals , that didn 't mean that he wanted to stay in Storybrooke when his life and job was in New Jersey . He was about to say all this when Regina circled her finger and a small sprinkle of stars shot from it and momentarily covered him like dust . He shook his head bewildered as Regina carried on , " You could go back to your home and Owen would stay here with me . " She turned to eleven year old boy , " You would enjoy staying here wouldn 't you dear ? " Owen nodded . That wasn 't a surprise Regina had been feeding him his favourite foods laced with a magical potion that made him want to stay here . She smiled at his Dad , Kurt Flynn was older and more mature , that made him harder to influence , especially in something as big as giving up his son and leaving for New Jersey . Regina didn 't want to use any more of her limited supply of magic , so she hoped a few more words of persuasion would tip the befuddled father over the edge , " You see how much he would enjoy it . And it would be so much better for him than that dirty city you live in , we 're next to the sea and woods for camping and the local school is excellent . And you 've seen my house , he would have his own room and plenty of space to play in the garden . " The magic was doing its work Regina could see , she smiled inwardly , " And it needn 't be forever - let 's just say until Christmas , that would allow you to get on your feet again and see how Owen feels and if its not working Owen can go back to you . " " It 's the right decision , " said Regina . She opened the front door and walked Kurt to his car , Owen following close behind . She opened the trunk and took out Owen 's backpack with his clothes in , she 'd have to take him shopping and get him more as there wasn 't much in there . Then she opened the front door of the car , almost pulling Kurt from embracing his son and propelled him to the front seat - she didn 't want to give him time to change his mind . Regina had felt a rush of excitement in her loins as soon as she saw him . Even back in the Enchanted Forest , where she had many young boys as lovers , he would have stood out with cuteness and naughty smile , together with a massive lump in his pants . Here in Storybrooke where the only sex she got was from Sheriff Graham Owen Flynn looked heaven sent , just needing to be seduced and trained to become a great lover to satisfy her . " This is your room , " Regina smiled as she opened the door . There was plenty of room , even with the bed , wardrobe and a desk with , what she thought was the latest games console , a Nintendo Entertainment System . It probably was because Owen 's eyes went wide as he saw it and he gave a little cheer and rushed in . He looked like he wanted to play with it straight away , which meant he wasn 't missing his dad . Regina followed the young boy into the room , as he turned on the console her hand pushed at the mattress to see how springy it was as she knew it would be getting more use than just something to sleep on . The console began to warm up . Regina said , " I 'll just put your backpack in the bottom of your wardrobe . Making sure she had Owen 's attention she slowly bent down to put the backpack away . She had made sure she had put on a pair of very tight pants earlier and the material clung to her rounded ass and dug between her cheeks further shaping them . She remained bent over , unpacking a few of the things , her glance in the mirror confirming that Owen was looking entranced at her gluteus , by the look on his face he was definitely enjoying a look at the firm muscles pressing against her pants . Regina slowly straightened , a smile crossing her face . She turned to Owen , " Shall we have a go on your toy ? You 'll have to show me what to do . " She sat on the bouncy bed and patted a spot next to her for Owen to sit down . Owen took a seat a few inches from her and began to explain how the machine worked . Regina knew , but acted dumb , pretending she didn 't understand technology . Owen was very patient , his hands touching hers as he showed her how the controller worked and what did what . Regina deliberately moved next to him so that their legs were touching . She decided to start to show greater understanding and to play a game with him . They both reacted to it , laughing and giggling as their little men jumped over things and scored points . Their legs rubbed together slightly , making Regina tingle . She cast a look at Owen , a slight red tinged his cheeks and she thought the touch was beginning to turn the boy on as well . But softly , softly was the way , gradually coaxing and seducing him , rather than scaring away by throwing herself on him straight away . Regina stood up , " I 'm going to make us some lunch and then we 'll go shopping , you haven 't got enough clothes . " Owen nodded and bit into the last of the tasty cake Regina had prepared . She went upstairs and changed out of her pullover into a blouse . The bra underneath barely covered her nipples and pushed up her already ample breasts . She left the blouse only partly buttoned so that her cleavage was on full display . Owen was waiting for her patiently at the bottom of the stairs and she could see his reaction as she descended , his mouth opening in appreciation and his staring at her chest . She glanced down at his pelvis , there was a lump . She gave a deliberately innocent smile and held out her hand , which he quickly took , " Shall we go shopping ? " she asked . If any of the inhabitants of Storybrooke found it strange that she was walking hand in hand with a boy , who until a few days ago had not been part of their community and who 's Dad had just left , none of them said anything . The naive of them might just have assumed it was innocent , she was acting as an aunt to a young boy and holding his hand was just a friendly gesture . Others had vague memories niggling at the edge of their recall that Regina liked young boys , though the memories seemed almost like dreams and not real at all . But they knew Regina owned this town and would make it very unpleasant to anyone who challenged her so they too remained silent . Regina saw Mary Margaret , she loved toying with her , even if the young woman couldn 't recall being her step - daughter , Snow White . Regina deliberately stepped in front of her , making the short - haired brunette pull up suddenly . " Sorry Regina , " she stammered , her cheeks going red even though it was Regina who had stepped in front of her . " Miss Blanchard , " Regina smiled icily at her , then turned down to look at Owen giving him a much warmer one . She didn 't think Mary Margaret was stupid and would know exactly what relationship Regina planned to have with the eleven year old . That made Regina pleased and she wanted nothing more than to confirm it and tell her prudish step - daughter than she planned to have the boy bang her in every way and every hole imaginable . But it was too early and might scare Owen so instead Regina observed the formalities , " This is my friend Owen . He 'll be staying with me for a few months whilst his father is away . He 'll be starting at your school on Monday , I 'll come over and do the paperwork for his enrolment on Saturday . " " Good , " said Regina , " Come on Owen . " She stepped past Mary Margaret and led Owen to a boys clothes shop . Money was no object for Regina and she bought plenty of clothes for him , ranging from casual wear and cute pyjamas to formal jackets and suits and ties . She knew like most boys his age he didn 't enjoy clothes shopping so she made sure she livened it up for him . Like when she was fitting on a tie she bent over and gave him a great view down her cleavage or when he was trying on his pants and she came into the changing room to help him do them up ( they both didn 't say anything about his huge whopper growing hard under his y - fronts ) . Once she was satisfied that they 'd got the clothes for him she asked for them to be delivered to her house and left the shop casually holding his hand . " Okay , " said Owen , though he pulled a little face as Regina led him towards a woman 's boutique . " I just need to get a new nightdress , " Regina said as she led him through the door . She thought his face perked up a little . She let go off his hand as she went over to the night wear section , looking through the display . She picked two choices and held the first one up against her body as she turned to Owen , " This one , " she said with a smile . It was a long flowing gown with bows at the top and a neckline that barely went half an inch below the throat . She had no intention of buying it , but was pleased that Owen pulled a face that suggested he didn 't think much of it either . She put it down and picked up her second choice , " Or this ? " This one was much more her style , very short , barely reaching to the bottom of her tummy , dark and almost transparent with a couple of strips of material which would just about hide the nipples if she didn 't move to energetically and ' accidentally ' pop them out through the plunging neckline . Owen 's face lit up and he nodded as she asked , " Which one do you think I should get ? " " I 'll just try it on , wait here , " said Regina . She into the changing room . Pulling the curtain she stripped out of her clothes in front of the mirror . As she unclipped her bra she reflected that she still looked hot and sexy , despite being the wrong side of thirty . She ran her hands over her bosom , they were round and still firm , jiggling as she bounced them . She picked up the nightdress and slid it over her , the silk felt soft against her skin and she peered in the mirror again , smiling as she posed , very sexy , she thought . It would go better without the black thong she was wearing , but sliding them off and exposing her muff might be a bit daring this early , tempting though it was . She pulled the curtain back and stepped back into the shop , " What do you think ? " The shop assistant was saying how lovely it looked and it fitted Regina just right , but it was Owen 's reactions Regina was interested in . And they were positive , he hadn 't been expecting her to come out to show him , so he had been leaning against a pillar looking bored . At her voice he looked up with a startled expression , which quickly changed to lustful appreciation , his cock starting to harden under his pants . Regina gave an artful twirl , giving him a look at her butt cheeks , not covered either by the silk dress or her thong . Owen grinned , " I like it a lot . " " I do as well , " Regina stood in front of a mirror and gave a pose , pushing her tits up and almost out . Owen 's lump was pushing at his pants . Regina turned to the assistant , " I 'll take it . " " Good , " smiled the young boy . Regina smiled , after shopping she had kept the low - cut blouse on making sure that Owen got plenty of looks at her cleavage as they ate dinner . After they 'd sat on the sofa and watched a video , Owen impressed that you could movies that weren 't in the theatre or on cable . Regina had made sure they 'd sat close , so that she could accidentally keep touching him , rubbing his thigh and letting his head brush at her side . She had some work to do so she had left him alone for his bath and to play on his Nintendo , she wanted him to realise that he 'd made the right decision in staying here . Lying in his new bed with a smile on his face he didn 't look like he missed his Dad . " I 'm glad , " said Regina , her hand casually , if not innocently , rubbed at his leg under the cover . It moved up and down , massaging his thigh and stopping just short of the top of his legs and the pelvis , where a large mound had grown . Regina pretended to ignore it as she continued to speak to him , " I want you to be happy here . Think of this like a fairy tale land where you 're a prince and all your wishes come true , if you want a new game for your Nintendo or there 's a video you want me to get or a new board game or book or comic all you need to do is ask me and I 'll get it you . " The boy nodded , not disagreeing . Regina continued to rub at his leg , teasing him with her fingers . The lump under the covers moved and got even bigger . The Mayor leant forward to place her lips on his forehead in a kiss , as she did so making sure he got a good view of her semi - open blouse and globes bouncing within . Her lips were wet and soft against his skin and she kept them there a little longer than a friendly kiss would normally be . After a few moments she pulled back her head , whilst keeping her hand moving up and down his leg in an almost casual movement . " Will you be able to sleep ? " she asked . Regina went downstairs and did some work . Once she 'd done it she headed up to go to bed . The day with Owen had left her horny and if he didn 't take up her offer tonight to share a bed she need to use a dildo to give herself some relief . She decided to check in on Owen as she passed his room , the light was off as she opened the door , but he was awake and said , " Hi Regina . " He got out of bed in his pyjamas and followed her into her room . Pulling back her black satin sheets he got into the bed and faced away from her as she changed . If he didn 't want to watch her get undressed , Regina thought it would have been more effective if he wasn 't looking in the mirror . She made a bit of a show of it , pretending she couldn 't see his smiling reflection and didn 't know he was watching her . First she slid of her heels and then carefully undid her skirt , dropping it the floor . Her blouse was next and then her bra . She wandered round the room tidying up and getting rid of her make - up just wearing her thongs . Owen 's eyes followed her as she moved , still following her as she picked up her new nightdress and went into her bathroom . When she emerged she was just wearing the nightdress without panties . Owen had turned to face her and his mouth opened in surprise as she walked towards the bed , her pussy naked with just a small strip of hair above the hole . She pulled back the cover and got into bed , sliding over to beside him . She reached up and clicked at the light switch above her head , plunging the room into darkness . " Night Owen , " she said as she pulled him into her in a snuggle . " Night Regina , " said the eleven year old , his voice muffled as his face was pushed into her chest . She could feel his hard schlong pushing through the cotton of his pyjamas against her belly . Her hand reached down to his wrist and guided it down to between her legs , leaving his hand over her pussy mound . She began to moisten as his fingers began to stroke at the smooth flesh . Reaching down Regina 's hand slid into the boys pyjamas and she began to stoke at his erect manhood . She could feel it pulsing beneath her fingers , each stroke making it shiver . Her hands closed round it , the dick was round and thick , filling her hand as she moved down and up . It was long as well , ten inches of throbbing muscle . Slowly her hand went up and down . " You 're hand feels nice on me as well , " replied Regina . She gave a lust filled titter as Owen 's hand continued to rub over her hole . " You 're very wet , " said Owen . " I 'll get wetter if you put your finger in me , " instructed Regina . She gave another lust filled giggle as the boy 's middle finger pushed into her hole . The boy began to move it up and down , moving it faster and faster and make her juicier and juicier . Cum filled her hole and coated his finger . She moaned in pleasure and moved her own hand up and down his erect member . " Up , a little left , no right , " she said as she instructed his fingering , " Oh yes , oh , oh , oh . " His small finger was hitting at her clitoris , making her tremble with pleasure . She groaned and gasped as her body shook , " Oh , oh , oh . " The young boy moved faster and harder , seeing the effect he was having on Regina . The woman let go off his dick and turned onto her back , moving her hands up to fondle and squeeze her tits . Owen leant over her , leaning on one elbow as his finger continued to thrust into the Mayor . Regina gasped and shuddered , her cries getting louder as the boy drove her pussy to deeper and stronger orgasms , " Oh , oh , oh , ohhh , ohhhh , OHHHHH ! " ! " Very good , " said Regina . She turned back to him and slid her hand back under his pyjamas . His ten incher was still erect and solid . She smiled in the darkness and said , " You 're hard . " She began to jack him off , her hand moving hard underneath his pyjamas , pounding the dick up and down . The pyjama 's stretched as she jerked , the soft material jerking up and down like a tent rising and falling . The young boy grunted and gasped , his body shuddering as he was pleasured by the woman 's hand . Regina could feel his excitement as his face pressed between her tits and he writhed with excitement . Her hand moved quicker and quicker . Gripping his dick hard in her fist she could feel the blood pumping . " For me too , " tittered Regina and jerked him harder , making the boy groan . Her hand pumped up and down , the skin moving over the muscle beneath her hands . He groaned some more and Regina knew from the sounds and the way his body tensed he was going to cum . The goo spurted out from his cock , all over her hand . It would have blasted over her if his pyjamas hadn 't stopped it , but it still seeped through , leaving a large wet patch . Regina took away her hand and licked at his salty cum , before settling her head down on the pillow , " That should make us both sleep better , " she said and slid her arms round him , bringing him back close to lie against her . Regina woke the next morning as re - energised as she 'd felt for months . Owen 's fingering of her pussy was just the relaxant a busy mayor needed and she could still remember her excitement as she came . She disengaged herself from the sleeping boy , he needed more rest than she did and she always rose early so she could do some work . She dressed and showered and then went into her office to do some paperwork , even as she typed she was recalling the last night and her pussy warmed up at the thought of Owen 's huge member and her hand round it . She swivelled her chair to face him , letting him see her blouse was open a button too far to be decent . She gave a radiant beam , " Good morning dear . Did you sleep well ? " The women smiled , " Don 't worry about it . It was your first night in a strange house no wonder you couldn 't sleep , but it was easy to deal with wasn 't it ? I was very relaxed and after and feel asleep almost straight away , what about you ? " The boy blushed a little more , but he nodded . Regina stood up , " Let me make breakfast . " She walked past him , making sure she gave her hips an extra sexy swing as she walked down the corridor to the kitchen . It was sweet that he was embarrassed by touching and being touched by a woman , but she hoped it was only temporary as she wanted him in her with his big dick . The thought of it made her wetter and it was miracle she didn 't hoist up her skirt and finger herself as they were eating breakfast . She did casually undo another button on her blouse as she was eating his breakfast , making his eyes almost pop out as her titties almost did the same . After breakfast she said , " I 've still got some more work to do , so why don 't you play on your game 's console or watch some television . " " Okay , " said Owen . Regina was so horny that once she closed her office door she pulled up her skirt and down her panties and slid her finger into her hole , tickling at her clit and running her nail lightly over the bud as she fantasised about Owen 's big lump of meat being in her and slamming down her hole . After she had made herself cum a couple of times she settled down to work , but even as she pressed the buttons on her calculator and wrote things down on her notepad for her secretary to type up on Monday she was thinking of Owen banging her hard and deep . It meant that it took her longer than she expected to finish the work and taking a break at lunchtime to make Owen some sandwiches and tease and flirt with the eleven year old , she was finished about three . It was time to go over to Mary Margaret 's house and enrol Owen at school , but first she had to make sure she wore something sexy and daring to make Owen 's member bulge and Mary Margaret blush . She called to Owen as she passed his room telling him they would soon be going before going into her own room and choosing her clothes . For her bottom half she went for her boots and a knee length skirt , which had cuts in the side all the way to the waist which showed whether she was wearing panties or not - she wasn 't . For her top she chose a see - through black blouse through which you could see her lacy black bra which just about held in her bosoms . She picked up Owen from his room , unsurprisingly he looked suitably impressed and taking his hand in hers walked over to Mary Margaret . Regina ignored her reply , her smile becoming colder and wintry , " I 'm not yet , but I soon will be . I 'll be taking his young dick in my holes and fucking him like crazy . I 'll ride him morning , noon and night and drain his dick of its lovely salty cum . I 'll drop him off at school so exhausted after a hard night 's screwing he 'll fall asleep in his desk . And you what , Miss Blanchard , there 's nothing you can do about it because I 'm the Mayor and I own Storybrooke and everyone in it . And that means if I want to bang an eleven year old I can and if I want to invite every boy in his class to come and join him in fucking each and every one of my holes all you can do is watch and look mildly annoyed . Do you understand ? " " We just had some business to attend to , " Regina gave him a warm smile and he nodded in acceptance . " You 'll start school on Monday , " she said and reached out for his hand . He took it , his own hand was small and warm and she felt her pussy tingling with lust as she felt his touch and with the conversation with Mary Margaret about what she was planning to do with Owen fresh in her mind and she knew she 'd have to have him in her and soon if she wasn 't going to die of unfulfilled lust for his dick . " Shall we go for a quick walk before we go home ? " she asked . If they went home she 'd have to let go off his hand until bedtime when she could come and tuck him in and make sure he either knew he could into her bed later when he couldn 't sleep or get an invite into his if she told him she was having difficulty sleeping . If they went for a walk she could continue to hold his hand and not have to share him with the games console . She was glad when he nodded yes . She smiled and said , " Let 's walk through the woods ; its nice in the fall with the leaves . " The two of them walked across town and into the woods ; the leaves on the trees were turning golden and falling to the ground to cluster in large piles that they kicked through . The weather was pleasantly dry , with just a small nip of cold air to say summer was over and fall had begun . They walked further into the woods , hand in hand , Regina laughing as Owen made some jokes and in turn pointing when she saw a bird or a deer in the distance . The walk didn 't dampen her ardour , she found , her pussy was still as tingly as when they started . " Ouch , " said Owen . The two of them went over to a log , Owen limping , Regina walking . He sat down on the log and Regina crouched in front of him and unlaced his shoe and held it upside down . The stone must have been very small as she didn 't see it fall out but she decided to gently massage his foot to remove the hurt . She licked her lips greedily as she noticed that his member was expanding beneath his pants as her hands rubbed over the foot . Regina slid the shoe back on ; her pussy was so horny it was almost hurting . Owen smiled at her , " Thank you . " Regina 's head shot upwards . Owen was looking at her with a cheeky smile on his face , his eyes sparkling with naughtiness . The Mayor beamed back , suddenly aware she had been played and there had been no stone . But she wasn 't going to hold that against Owen . " Of course you can , " she replied . She crouched forward in front of him , her hands leaning on the log on either side of him and moved her head towards him . He leant forward as well , coming towards her . There lips touched in a magical moment and for a second Regina thought all the birds in the forest started tweeting in tune . Their heads moved back and Regina saw the cute smile on Owen 's face and was aware that there was equally one on her own . She was about to say something , she wasn 't sure what , when she saw the boy 's head was coming forward again . She came forward to meet him and felt a thrilling sense of surprise as she realised his mouth was open and his tongue was pressing at her lips trying to get in . She opened them and let his tongue come in over hers . It slithered and explored , moving round her open mouth . She brought her own tongue up , letting it creep against his . He pushed harder at her , his lithe tongue flicking round her mouth , his lips pressing at hers . His kissing lacked grace or subtlety but it made up for that in force and passion . She could feel him pushing further forward , pressing her back so that her hands left the log . He continued to kiss forcefully at her and she carried on enjoying it as his lips pressed on hers , pushing her back . Until she overbalanced and fell on her back , Owen unprepared fell with her . Luckily the fall was neither fast or far and they landed comfortably , the front of Regina 's skirt up near her waist , Owen on top of her , his lips near hers and his manhood pressing hard at her stomach . For a second he looked shocked and then as Regina gave a laugh of joy he smiled and brought his lips down on her again . She kissed him back passionately , her arms wrapping round his small frame and dragging him down at her . His hands lay on either side of her , his lips and tongue pushing at her , his dick hard beneath his pants . With her skirt up she could feel the cool fall air against her cunt , but it didn 't seem to make the slit any cooler or drier as she felt her excitement rise . Owen 's mouth rose from hers . She looked at him , his sexy smile and blue eyes and she smiled back as she said , " Do you know what fucking is ? " Her hand moved down to his pants and then she took the zip between her fingers as if that would give him a clue . " Close enough , " said Regina pulling down his zip and sliding her hand into his pants . She got under his Y - fronts and tugged at his dick - it was as huge and hard as last night . " Do you want to fuck me ? " " Uh - huh , " Owen nodded enthusiastically and Regina finished pulling his meat out between the flaps in his trousers . The faintest bit of pre - cum leaked from the tip as she touched it . She opened her legs , showing her pussy hole . With one hand she lifted the front of her skirt further up her waist , before moving it back down and widening her hole for Owen 's huge schlong . She took his meaty member in her hand , " I want you to stick it in me , " she said in a hoarse voice . Owen nodded and his small body began to slither down her body until his face was over her tits and his huge dick was rubbing at her pussy . " Oh yeah , sweetheart , stick it in me , " Regina repeated , spreading her lips for his meaty fuck - muscle . He lifted his pelvis and when he lowered it he skilfully inserted his ten incher into her . It went deep down into her cunny , rubbing at her G - spot as it stretched her warm and wet walls . It felt so good and big , Regina gave a groan , " Oh Owen , fuck my pussy . " " Uh - huh , " granted the young boy and went even faster , his thin frame pounding into her hard , thrusting deep at her . He stuck his head between her titties and began to nuzzle at the cleavage beneath the thin material , continuing to fuck her as he did , his pelvis rising and falling in a swift motion . " Uh , uh , uh , " he panted and puffed . " Ooohhhh , " Regina moaned in joy . Her hands gripped his buttocks , they were small but firm and moving hard . He might be young , but he was good and if this was what he was like when he was inexperienced he would be the biggest stud on the planet once he 'd ridden her a few times . Regina knew she would enjoy teaching him . She squeezed at his ass cheeks to encourage him , " Do it harder Owen , bang me harder ! " " Uh - uh , uh , uh , uh , " Owen thrusting his schlong into her vigorously . The dark haired sorceress could feel the twigs and leaves scratching up at her legs and back , scraping at her as she bounced up and down . A few birds cheeped nearby and she could hear the rustle of the wind in the trees as a light breeze blew through the woods . If she was interested in romance it would have been romantic , but she was only interested in sexual pleasure and she was getting plenty of that . " Ohhhhh , yes , ohhhh ! " Regina gasped and felt herself buckling as the young boy 's thrusts drove her into cumming . She squealed and cried as the pleasure zoomed from pussy to spread through her body in a glorious feeling of joy . Her mouth opened and she cried out again , " Ohhhhhh " " Uh - huh , it was , " agreed Owen nodding . For a few more moments he remained in place , his head resting of her tits , his dick limp in her cunt . Then , his strength regaining , he moved up Regina 's body so that his face was opposite hers , his wet cock slithering out of her pussy and up to her stomach , leaving a trail of his and her cum behind it like a snail on a stone . " Oh , " giggled Regina as he opened his mouth and slid his tongue out . She quickly reciprocated , pressing her lips against his and pushing back with her tongue so that it twisted round his . He was a good kisser as well as a good screw , she thought . As their mouths munched at each other she could feel Owen 's schlong hardening against her stomach , the hard member pressing at her . It was soon as stiff as a flagpole , pushing and prodding at her flesh . She began to get more excited . " Doggy style ? " Owen 's face crinkled in confusion . Regina gently pushed at his chest so that he got off her and knelt beside her in the leaves , stroking his humongous slab of meat . " It 's when you take me from behind , " she explained and got onto her hands and knees , hoisting her skirt over her back and spreading her legs so her pussy was free . " You want to try it ? " she turned her head and gave him a come get me smile . " Ohhhhh , " Regina moaned loudly as the young boy 's huge prick entered her hole . He grabbed her waist and began pummelling her pussy with passion and vigour , thrusting his great big dick deep into her . He moved quick and hard and Regina groaned again , " oooohhh , yes , Owen , ohhhhh ! " His huge schlong filled her , stretching at her walls and hitting her G - spot pleasingly . Owen grunted and snorted as he went faster and faster . His hands moved from her waist to her ass cheeks , fondling them as he fucked her and running over her round buttocks until they came to the crack . He pulled the cheeks apart and slid his thumbs between them . Regina gave a gasp as they pushed at her puckered back hole , easing it gently apart as his member continued to spear her cunt . The tip of one his thumbs entered , less than a quarter of an inch but enough to give the horny mayor a thrilling idea . " It 's tight isn 't it ? " " I can do that , " said Owen excitedly . He held his dick and pushed it at her ass . It didn 't go in at first , so he pushed his thumb deeper and wiggled it , making her squirm in pleasure , as he made himself a small hole . The tip went it on his second try and Regina made a little moan as Owen asked , " Like this ? " " Ohhhh yes , " she replied . He thrust a bit deeper and then deeper still , pulling back and shoving down . The dark haired Mayor gasped and rocked her body to meet him , taking more of his schlong deeper into her shithole . He started to get into a rhythm , shoving forward , dipping his dong down her backhole , stretching the shit tube and going faster . He took hold off her waist for extra traction and shoved more of his member down , ramming deep into her . " Oh Owen , fuck my ass , fuck it deep , " called Regina as the hard muscle filled her asshole . She gripped at the ground beneath her , not caring that leaves were scratching at her hands or that twigs were digging at her knees - all she cared about was the fantastic feeling of Owen 's meat banging away at her shitter , it felt so hard and pleasing and filling . She gave a shriek of joy as the boy 's dick drove down and brought her an orgasm , " Oh , oh , oh , fill it Owen , fill it with your huge member , fill my poophole with your manhood . " Owen was going even faster , putting all his effort into giving her an excellent anal fucking , one that was stretching her ass wide and pummelling the hole like it hadn 't been pummelled before . His full ten inches was pounding at her , his big balls bouncing at her buttocks like a pair of pendulums . " Ohhhhh ! " cried Regina , " Oooohhh ! " as Owen slammed her ass open . It was the greatest feeling imaginable , " Oooohhhh ! " " Is this right ? " grunted Owen . He didn 't stop , but continued to ram her ass , his hands gripping her cheeks and playing with them as he thrust and thrust again . His thighs smacked at her buttocks , his dick pounding down the anal tube . He was going fast and deep , so skilful . Her clothes were sticking to her with sweat , the perspiration trickling down her forehead , despite the cool of the evening . It was getting dark as well , the sound of an owl in the distance . But that was almost drowned out by her passionate cries , " Oooohhh , oooohhh ! " Owen was moving quicker , upping his speed . He gave a grunt , " I 'm going to . . . " His seed spurted into her ass in waves , blasting deep into her bowels and filling her whole hole with his warm goo . He pulled out and some of the cum came with him , trickling from her ass and down her inner thighs .
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Support TSSA - Join CelebrityPass · 1 Million Celeb Photos & 15 , 000 Celeb Movies · Real & Fake Celeb Pics and Vids · Join for ONLY $ 4 . 95 ! I do not own Once Upon a Time . It is owned by ABC and Edward Kitsis and Adam Horowitz . I am not making any money from this story . " It would be nice for Owen to stay here with me , " she smiled . His father Kurt Flynn looked annoyed at her effrontery , as whilst she 'd been helpful to them in finding a mechanic and making them some nice meals , that didn 't mean that he wanted to stay in Storybrooke when his life and job was in New Jersey . He was about to say all this when Regina circled her finger and a small sprinkle of stars shot from it and momentarily covered him like dust . He shook his head bewildered as Regina carried on , " You could go back to your home and Owen would stay here with me . " She turned to eleven year old boy , " You would enjoy staying here wouldn 't you dear ? " Owen nodded . That wasn 't a surprise Regina had been feeding him his favourite foods laced with a magical potion that made him want to stay here . She smiled at his Dad , Kurt Flynn was older and more mature , that made him harder to influence , especially in something as big as giving up his son and leaving for New Jersey . Regina didn 't want to use any more of her limited supply of magic , so she hoped a few more words of persuasion would tip the befuddled father over the edge , " You see how much he would enjoy it . And it would be so much better for him than that dirty city you live in , we 're next to the sea and woods for camping and the local school is excellent . And you 've seen my house , he would have his own room and plenty of space to play in the garden . " The magic was doing its work Regina could see , she smiled inwardly , " And it needn 't be forever - let 's just say until Christmas , that would allow you to get on your feet again and see how Owen feels and if its not working Owen can go back to you . " " It 's the right decision , " said Regina . She opened the front door and walked Kurt to his car , Owen following close behind . She opened the trunk and took out Owen 's backpack with his clothes in , she 'd have to take him shopping and get him more as there wasn 't much in there . Then she opened the front door of the car , almost pulling Kurt from embracing his son and propelled him to the front seat - she didn 't want to give him time to change his mind . Regina had felt a rush of excitement in her loins as soon as she saw him . Even back in the Enchanted Forest , where she had many young boys as lovers , he would have stood out with cuteness and naughty smile , together with a massive lump in his pants . Here in Storybrooke where the only sex she got was from Sheriff Graham Owen Flynn looked heaven sent , just needing to be seduced and trained to become a great lover to satisfy her . " This is your room , " Regina smiled as she opened the door . There was plenty of room , even with the bed , wardrobe and a desk with , what she thought was the latest games console , a Nintendo Entertainment System . It probably was because Owen 's eyes went wide as he saw it and he gave a little cheer and rushed in . He looked like he wanted to play with it straight away , which meant he wasn 't missing his dad . Regina followed the young boy into the room , as he turned on the console her hand pushed at the mattress to see how springy it was as she knew it would be getting more use than just something to sleep on . The console began to warm up . Regina said , " I 'll just put your backpack in the bottom of your wardrobe . Making sure she had Owen 's attention she slowly bent down to put the backpack away . She had made sure she had put on a pair of very tight pants earlier and the material clung to her rounded ass and dug between her cheeks further shaping them . She remained bent over , unpacking a few of the things , her glance in the mirror confirming that Owen was looking entranced at her gluteus , by the look on his face he was definitely enjoying a look at the firm muscles pressing against her pants . Regina slowly straightened , a smile crossing her face . She turned to Owen , " Shall we have a go on your toy ? You 'll have to show me what to do . " She sat on the bouncy bed and patted a spot next to her for Owen to sit down . Owen took a seat a few inches from her and began to explain how the machine worked . Regina knew , but acted dumb , pretending she didn 't understand technology . Owen was very patient , his hands touching hers as he showed her how the controller worked and what did what . Regina deliberately moved next to him so that their legs were touching . She decided to start to show greater understanding and to play a game with him . They both reacted to it , laughing and giggling as their little men jumped over things and scored points . Their legs rubbed together slightly , making Regina tingle . She cast a look at Owen , a slight red tinged his cheeks and she thought the touch was beginning to turn the boy on as well . But softly , softly was the way , gradually coaxing and seducing him , rather than scaring away by throwing herself on him straight away . Regina stood up , " I 'm going to make us some lunch and then we 'll go shopping , you haven 't got enough clothes . " Owen nodded and bit into the last of the tasty cake Regina had prepared . She went upstairs and changed out of her pullover into a blouse . The bra underneath barely covered her nipples and pushed up her already ample breasts . She left the blouse only partly buttoned so that her cleavage was on full display . Owen was waiting for her patiently at the bottom of the stairs and she could see his reaction as she descended , his mouth opening in appreciation and his staring at her chest . She glanced down at his pelvis , there was a lump . She gave a deliberately innocent smile and held out her hand , which he quickly took , " Shall we go shopping ? " she asked . If any of the inhabitants of Storybrooke found it strange that she was walking hand in hand with a boy , who until a few days ago had not been part of their community and who 's Dad had just left , none of them said anything . The naive of them might just have assumed it was innocent , she was acting as an aunt to a young boy and holding his hand was just a friendly gesture . Others had vague memories niggling at the edge of their recall that Regina liked young boys , though the memories seemed almost like dreams and not real at all . But they knew Regina owned this town and would make it very unpleasant to anyone who challenged her so they too remained silent . Regina saw Mary Margaret , she loved toying with her , even if the young woman couldn 't recall being her step - daughter , Snow White . Regina deliberately stepped in front of her , making the short - haired brunette pull up suddenly . " Sorry Regina , " she stammered , her cheeks going red even though it was Regina who had stepped in front of her . " Miss Blanchard , " Regina smiled icily at her , then turned down to look at Owen giving him a much warmer one . She didn 't think Mary Margaret was stupid and would know exactly what relationship Regina planned to have with the eleven year old . That made Regina pleased and she wanted nothing more than to confirm it and tell her prudish step - daughter than she planned to have the boy bang her in every way and every hole imaginable . But it was too early and might scare Owen so instead Regina observed the formalities , " This is my friend Owen . He 'll be staying with me for a few months whilst his father is away . He 'll be starting at your school on Monday , I 'll come over and do the paperwork for his enrolment on Saturday . " " Good , " said Regina , " Come on Owen . " She stepped past Mary Margaret and led Owen to a boys clothes shop . Money was no object for Regina and she bought plenty of clothes for him , ranging from casual wear and cute pyjamas to formal jackets and suits and ties . She knew like most boys his age he didn 't enjoy clothes shopping so she made sure she livened it up for him . Like when she was fitting on a tie she bent over and gave him a great view down her cleavage or when he was trying on his pants and she came into the changing room to help him do them up ( they both didn 't say anything about his huge whopper growing hard under his y - fronts ) . Once she was satisfied that they 'd got the clothes for him she asked for them to be delivered to her house and left the shop casually holding his hand . " Okay , " said Owen , though he pulled a little face as Regina led him towards a woman 's boutique . " I just need to get a new nightdress , " Regina said as she led him through the door . She thought his face perked up a little . She let go off his hand as she went over to the night wear section , looking through the display . She picked two choices and held the first one up against her body as she turned to Owen , " This one , " she said with a smile . It was a long flowing gown with bows at the top and a neckline that barely went half an inch below the throat . She had no intention of buying it , but was pleased that Owen pulled a face that suggested he didn 't think much of it either . She put it down and picked up her second choice , " Or this ? " This one was much more her style , very short , barely reaching to the bottom of her tummy , dark and almost transparent with a couple of strips of material which would just about hide the nipples if she didn 't move to energetically and ' accidentally ' pop them out through the plunging neckline . Owen 's face lit up and he nodded as she asked , " Which one do you think I should get ? " " I 'll just try it on , wait here , " said Regina . She into the changing room . Pulling the curtain she stripped out of her clothes in front of the mirror . As she unclipped her bra she reflected that she still looked hot and sexy , despite being the wrong side of thirty . She ran her hands over her bosom , they were round and still firm , jiggling as she bounced them . She picked up the nightdress and slid it over her , the silk felt soft against her skin and she peered in the mirror again , smiling as she posed , very sexy , she thought . It would go better without the black thong she was wearing , but sliding them off and exposing her muff might be a bit daring this early , tempting though it was . She pulled the curtain back and stepped back into the shop , " What do you think ? " The shop assistant was saying how lovely it looked and it fitted Regina just right , but it was Owen 's reactions Regina was interested in . And they were positive , he hadn 't been expecting her to come out to show him , so he had been leaning against a pillar looking bored . At her voice he looked up with a startled expression , which quickly changed to lustful appreciation , his cock starting to harden under his pants . Regina gave an artful twirl , giving him a look at her butt cheeks , not covered either by the silk dress or her thong . Owen grinned , " I like it a lot . " " I do as well , " Regina stood in front of a mirror and gave a pose , pushing her tits up and almost out . Owen 's lump was pushing at his pants . Regina turned to the assistant , " I 'll take it . " " Good , " smiled the young boy . Regina smiled , after shopping she had kept the low - cut blouse on making sure that Owen got plenty of looks at her cleavage as they ate dinner . After they 'd sat on the sofa and watched a video , Owen impressed that you could movies that weren 't in the theatre or on cable . Regina had made sure they 'd sat close , so that she could accidentally keep touching him , rubbing his thigh and letting his head brush at her side . She had some work to do so she had left him alone for his bath and to play on his Nintendo , she wanted him to realise that he 'd made the right decision in staying here . Lying in his new bed with a smile on his face he didn 't look like he missed his Dad . " I 'm glad , " said Regina , her hand casually , if not innocently , rubbed at his leg under the cover . It moved up and down , massaging his thigh and stopping just short of the top of his legs and the pelvis , where a large mound had grown . Regina pretended to ignore it as she continued to speak to him , " I want you to be happy here . Think of this like a fairy tale land where you 're a prince and all your wishes come true , if you want a new game for your Nintendo or there 's a video you want me to get or a new board game or book or comic all you need to do is ask me and I 'll get it you . " The boy nodded , not disagreeing . Regina continued to rub at his leg , teasing him with her fingers . The lump under the covers moved and got even bigger . The Mayor leant forward to place her lips on his forehead in a kiss , as she did so making sure he got a good view of her semi - open blouse and globes bouncing within . Her lips were wet and soft against his skin and she kept them there a little longer than a friendly kiss would normally be . After a few moments she pulled back her head , whilst keeping her hand moving up and down his leg in an almost casual movement . " Will you be able to sleep ? " she asked . Regina went downstairs and did some work . Once she 'd done it she headed up to go to bed . The day with Owen had left her horny and if he didn 't take up her offer tonight to share a bed she need to use a dildo to give herself some relief . She decided to check in on Owen as she passed his room , the light was off as she opened the door , but he was awake and said , " Hi Regina . " He got out of bed in his pyjamas and followed her into her room . Pulling back her black satin sheets he got into the bed and faced away from her as she changed . If he didn 't want to watch her get undressed , Regina thought it would have been more effective if he wasn 't looking in the mirror . She made a bit of a show of it , pretending she couldn 't see his smiling reflection and didn 't know he was watching her . First she slid of her heels and then carefully undid her skirt , dropping it the floor . Her blouse was next and then her bra . She wandered round the room tidying up and getting rid of her make - up just wearing her thongs . Owen 's eyes followed her as she moved , still following her as she picked up her new nightdress and went into her bathroom . When she emerged she was just wearing the nightdress without panties . Owen had turned to face her and his mouth opened in surprise as she walked towards the bed , her pussy naked with just a small strip of hair above the hole . She pulled back the cover and got into bed , sliding over to beside him . She reached up and clicked at the light switch above her head , plunging the room into darkness . " Night Owen , " she said as she pulled him into her in a snuggle . " Night Regina , " said the eleven year old , his voice muffled as his face was pushed into her chest . She could feel his hard schlong pushing through the cotton of his pyjamas against her belly . Her hand reached down to his wrist and guided it down to between her legs , leaving his hand over her pussy mound . She began to moisten as his fingers began to stroke at the smooth flesh . Reaching down Regina 's hand slid into the boys pyjamas and she began to stoke at his erect manhood . She could feel it pulsing beneath her fingers , each stroke making it shiver . Her hands closed round it , the dick was round and thick , filling her hand as she moved down and up . It was long as well , ten inches of throbbing muscle . Slowly her hand went up and down . " You 're hand feels nice on me as well , " replied Regina . She gave a lust filled titter as Owen 's hand continued to rub over her hole . " You 're very wet , " said Owen . " I 'll get wetter if you put your finger in me , " instructed Regina . She gave another lust filled giggle as the boy 's middle finger pushed into her hole . The boy began to move it up and down , moving it faster and faster and make her juicier and juicier . Cum filled her hole and coated his finger . She moaned in pleasure and moved her own hand up and down his erect member . " Up , a little left , no right , " she said as she instructed his fingering , " Oh yes , oh , oh , oh . " His small finger was hitting at her clitoris , making her tremble with pleasure . She groaned and gasped as her body shook , " Oh , oh , oh . " The young boy moved faster and harder , seeing the effect he was having on Regina . The woman let go off his dick and turned onto her back , moving her hands up to fondle and squeeze her tits . Owen leant over her , leaning on one elbow as his finger continued to thrust into the Mayor . Regina gasped and shuddered , her cries getting louder as the boy drove her pussy to deeper and stronger orgasms , " Oh , oh , oh , ohhh , ohhhh , OHHHHH ! " ! " Very good , " said Regina . She turned back to him and slid her hand back under his pyjamas . His ten incher was still erect and solid . She smiled in the darkness and said , " You 're hard . " She began to jack him off , her hand moving hard underneath his pyjamas , pounding the dick up and down . The pyjama 's stretched as she jerked , the soft material jerking up and down like a tent rising and falling . The young boy grunted and gasped , his body shuddering as he was pleasured by the woman 's hand . Regina could feel his excitement as his face pressed between her tits and he writhed with excitement . Her hand moved quicker and quicker . Gripping his dick hard in her fist she could feel the blood pumping . " For me too , " tittered Regina and jerked him harder , making the boy groan . Her hand pumped up and down , the skin moving over the muscle beneath her hands . He groaned some more and Regina knew from the sounds and the way his body tensed he was going to cum . The goo spurted out from his cock , all over her hand . It would have blasted over her if his pyjamas hadn 't stopped it , but it still seeped through , leaving a large wet patch . Regina took away her hand and licked at his salty cum , before settling her head down on the pillow , " That should make us both sleep better , " she said and slid her arms round him , bringing him back close to lie against her . Regina woke the next morning as re - energised as she 'd felt for months . Owen 's fingering of her pussy was just the relaxant a busy mayor needed and she could still remember her excitement as she came . She disengaged herself from the sleeping boy , he needed more rest than she did and she always rose early so she could do some work . She dressed and showered and then went into her office to do some paperwork , even as she typed she was recalling the last night and her pussy warmed up at the thought of Owen 's huge member and her hand round it . She swivelled her chair to face him , letting him see her blouse was open a button too far to be decent . She gave a radiant beam , " Good morning dear . Did you sleep well ? " The women smiled , " Don 't worry about it . It was your first night in a strange house no wonder you couldn 't sleep , but it was easy to deal with wasn 't it ? I was very relaxed and after and feel asleep almost straight away , what about you ? " The boy blushed a little more , but he nodded . Regina stood up , " Let me make breakfast . " She walked past him , making sure she gave her hips an extra sexy swing as she walked down the corridor to the kitchen . It was sweet that he was embarrassed by touching and being touched by a woman , but she hoped it was only temporary as she wanted him in her with his big dick . The thought of it made her wetter and it was miracle she didn 't hoist up her skirt and finger herself as they were eating breakfast . She did casually undo another button on her blouse as she was eating his breakfast , making his eyes almost pop out as her titties almost did the same . After breakfast she said , " I 've still got some more work to do , so why don 't you play on your game 's console or watch some television . " " Okay , " said Owen . Regina was so horny that once she closed her office door she pulled up her skirt and down her panties and slid her finger into her hole , tickling at her clit and running her nail lightly over the bud as she fantasised about Owen 's big lump of meat being in her and slamming down her hole . After she had made herself cum a couple of times she settled down to work , but even as she pressed the buttons on her calculator and wrote things down on her notepad for her secretary to type up on Monday she was thinking of Owen banging her hard and deep . It meant that it took her longer than she expected to finish the work and taking a break at lunchtime to make Owen some sandwiches and tease and flirt with the eleven year old , she was finished about three . It was time to go over to Mary Margaret 's house and enrol Owen at school , but first she had to make sure she wore something sexy and daring to make Owen 's member bulge and Mary Margaret blush . She called to Owen as she passed his room telling him they would soon be going before going into her own room and choosing her clothes . For her bottom half she went for her boots and a knee length skirt , which had cuts in the side all the way to the waist which showed whether she was wearing panties or not - she wasn 't . For her top she chose a see - through black blouse through which you could see her lacy black bra which just about held in her bosoms . She picked up Owen from his room , unsurprisingly he looked suitably impressed and taking his hand in hers walked over to Mary Margaret . Regina ignored her reply , her smile becoming colder and wintry , " I 'm not yet , but I soon will be . I 'll be taking his young dick in my holes and fucking him like crazy . I 'll ride him morning , noon and night and drain his dick of its lovely salty cum . I 'll drop him off at school so exhausted after a hard night 's screwing he 'll fall asleep in his desk . And you what , Miss Blanchard , there 's nothing you can do about it because I 'm the Mayor and I own Storybrooke and everyone in it . And that means if I want to bang an eleven year old I can and if I want to invite every boy in his class to come and join him in fucking each and every one of my holes all you can do is watch and look mildly annoyed . Do you understand ? " " We just had some business to attend to , " Regina gave him a warm smile and he nodded in acceptance . " You 'll start school on Monday , " she said and reached out for his hand . He took it , his own hand was small and warm and she felt her pussy tingling with lust as she felt his touch and with the conversation with Mary Margaret about what she was planning to do with Owen fresh in her mind and she knew she 'd have to have him in her and soon if she wasn 't going to die of unfulfilled lust for his dick . " Shall we go for a quick walk before we go home ? " she asked . If they went home she 'd have to let go off his hand until bedtime when she could come and tuck him in and make sure he either knew he could into her bed later when he couldn 't sleep or get an invite into his if she told him she was having difficulty sleeping . If they went for a walk she could continue to hold his hand and not have to share him with the games console . She was glad when he nodded yes . She smiled and said , " Let 's walk through the woods ; its nice in the fall with the leaves . " The two of them walked across town and into the woods ; the leaves on the trees were turning golden and falling to the ground to cluster in large piles that they kicked through . The weather was pleasantly dry , with just a small nip of cold air to say summer was over and fall had begun . They walked further into the woods , hand in hand , Regina laughing as Owen made some jokes and in turn pointing when she saw a bird or a deer in the distance . The walk didn 't dampen her ardour , she found , her pussy was still as tingly as when they started . " Ouch , " said Owen . The two of them went over to a log , Owen limping , Regina walking . He sat down on the log and Regina crouched in front of him and unlaced his shoe and held it upside down . The stone must have been very small as she didn 't see it fall out but she decided to gently massage his foot to remove the hurt . She licked her lips greedily as she noticed that his member was expanding beneath his pants as her hands rubbed over the foot . Regina slid the shoe back on ; her pussy was so horny it was almost hurting . Owen smiled at her , " Thank you . " Regina 's head shot upwards . Owen was looking at her with a cheeky smile on his face , his eyes sparkling with naughtiness . The Mayor beamed back , suddenly aware she had been played and there had been no stone . But she wasn 't going to hold that against Owen . " Of course you can , " she replied . She crouched forward in front of him , her hands leaning on the log on either side of him and moved her head towards him . He leant forward as well , coming towards her . There lips touched in a magical moment and for a second Regina thought all the birds in the forest started tweeting in tune . Their heads moved back and Regina saw the cute smile on Owen 's face and was aware that there was equally one on her own . She was about to say something , she wasn 't sure what , when she saw the boy 's head was coming forward again . She came forward to meet him and felt a thrilling sense of surprise as she realised his mouth was open and his tongue was pressing at her lips trying to get in . She opened them and let his tongue come in over hers . It slithered and explored , moving round her open mouth . She brought her own tongue up , letting it creep against his . He pushed harder at her , his lithe tongue flicking round her mouth , his lips pressing at hers . His kissing lacked grace or subtlety but it made up for that in force and passion . She could feel him pushing further forward , pressing her back so that her hands left the log . He continued to kiss forcefully at her and she carried on enjoying it as his lips pressed on hers , pushing her back . Until she overbalanced and fell on her back , Owen unprepared fell with her . Luckily the fall was neither fast or far and they landed comfortably , the front of Regina 's skirt up near her waist , Owen on top of her , his lips near hers and his manhood pressing hard at her stomach . For a second he looked shocked and then as Regina gave a laugh of joy he smiled and brought his lips down on her again . She kissed him back passionately , her arms wrapping round his small frame and dragging him down at her . His hands lay on either side of her , his lips and tongue pushing at her , his dick hard beneath his pants . With her skirt up she could feel the cool fall air against her cunt , but it didn 't seem to make the slit any cooler or drier as she felt her excitement rise . Owen 's mouth rose from hers . She looked at him , his sexy smile and blue eyes and she smiled back as she said , " Do you know what fucking is ? " Her hand moved down to his pants and then she took the zip between her fingers as if that would give him a clue . " Close enough , " said Regina pulling down his zip and sliding her hand into his pants . She got under his Y - fronts and tugged at his dick - it was as huge and hard as last night . " Do you want to fuck me ? " " Uh - huh , " Owen nodded enthusiastically and Regina finished pulling his meat out between the flaps in his trousers . The faintest bit of pre - cum leaked from the tip as she touched it . She opened her legs , showing her pussy hole . With one hand she lifted the front of her skirt further up her waist , before moving it back down and widening her hole for Owen 's huge schlong . She took his meaty member in her hand , " I want you to stick it in me , " she said in a hoarse voice . Owen nodded and his small body began to slither down her body until his face was over her tits and his huge dick was rubbing at her pussy . " Oh yeah , sweetheart , stick it in me , " Regina repeated , spreading her lips for his meaty fuck - muscle . He lifted his pelvis and when he lowered it he skilfully inserted his ten incher into her . It went deep down into her cunny , rubbing at her G - spot as it stretched her warm and wet walls . It felt so good and big , Regina gave a groan , " Oh Owen , fuck my pussy . " " Uh - huh , " granted the young boy and went even faster , his thin frame pounding into her hard , thrusting deep at her . He stuck his head between her titties and began to nuzzle at the cleavage beneath the thin material , continuing to fuck her as he did , his pelvis rising and falling in a swift motion . " Uh , uh , uh , " he panted and puffed . " Ooohhhh , " Regina moaned in joy . Her hands gripped his buttocks , they were small but firm and moving hard . He might be young , but he was good and if this was what he was like when he was inexperienced he would be the biggest stud on the planet once he 'd ridden her a few times . Regina knew she would enjoy teaching him . She squeezed at his ass cheeks to encourage him , " Do it harder Owen , bang me harder ! " " Uh - uh , uh , uh , uh , " Owen thrusting his schlong into her vigorously . The dark haired sorceress could feel the twigs and leaves scratching up at her legs and back , scraping at her as she bounced up and down . A few birds cheeped nearby and she could hear the rustle of the wind in the trees as a light breeze blew through the woods . If she was interested in romance it would have been romantic , but she was only interested in sexual pleasure and she was getting plenty of that . " Ohhhhh , yes , ohhhh ! " Regina gasped and felt herself buckling as the young boy 's thrusts drove her into cumming . She squealed and cried as the pleasure zoomed from pussy to spread through her body in a glorious feeling of joy . Her mouth opened and she cried out again , " Ohhhhhh " " Uh - huh , it was , " agreed Owen nodding . For a few more moments he remained in place , his head resting of her tits , his dick limp in her cunt . Then , his strength regaining , he moved up Regina 's body so that his face was opposite hers , his wet cock slithering out of her pussy and up to her stomach , leaving a trail of his and her cum behind it like a snail on a stone . " Oh , " giggled Regina as he opened his mouth and slid his tongue out . She quickly reciprocated , pressing her lips against his and pushing back with her tongue so that it twisted round his . He was a good kisser as well as a good screw , she thought . As their mouths munched at each other she could feel Owen 's schlong hardening against her stomach , the hard member pressing at her . It was soon as stiff as a flagpole , pushing and prodding at her flesh . She began to get more excited . " Doggy style ? " Owen 's face crinkled in confusion . Regina gently pushed at his chest so that he got off her and knelt beside her in the leaves , stroking his humongous slab of meat . " It 's when you take me from behind , " she explained and got onto her hands and knees , hoisting her skirt over her back and spreading her legs so her pussy was free . " You want to try it ? " she turned her head and gave him a come get me smile . " Ohhhhh , " Regina moaned loudly as the young boy 's huge prick entered her hole . He grabbed her waist and began pummelling her pussy with passion and vigour , thrusting his great big dick deep into her . He moved quick and hard and Regina groaned again , " oooohhh , yes , Owen , ohhhhh ! " His huge schlong filled her , stretching at her walls and hitting her G - spot pleasingly . Owen grunted and snorted as he went faster and faster . His hands moved from her waist to her ass cheeks , fondling them as he fucked her and running over her round buttocks until they came to the crack . He pulled the cheeks apart and slid his thumbs between them . Regina gave a gasp as they pushed at her puckered back hole , easing it gently apart as his member continued to spear her cunt . The tip of one his thumbs entered , less than a quarter of an inch but enough to give the horny mayor a thrilling idea . " It 's tight isn 't it ? " " I can do that , " said Owen excitedly . He held his dick and pushed it at her ass . It didn 't go in at first , so he pushed his thumb deeper and wiggled it , making her squirm in pleasure , as he made himself a small hole . The tip went it on his second try and Regina made a little moan as Owen asked , " Like this ? " " Ohhhh yes , " she replied . He thrust a bit deeper and then deeper still , pulling back and shoving down . The dark haired Mayor gasped and rocked her body to meet him , taking more of his schlong deeper into her shithole . He started to get into a rhythm , shoving forward , dipping his dong down her backhole , stretching the shit tube and going faster . He took hold off her waist for extra traction and shoved more of his member down , ramming deep into her . " Oh Owen , fuck my ass , fuck it deep , " called Regina as the hard muscle filled her asshole . She gripped at the ground beneath her , not caring that leaves were scratching at her hands or that twigs were digging at her knees - all she cared about was the fantastic feeling of Owen 's meat banging away at her shitter , it felt so hard and pleasing and filling . She gave a shriek of joy as the boy 's dick drove down and brought her an orgasm , " Oh , oh , oh , fill it Owen , fill it with your huge member , fill my poophole with your manhood . " Owen was going even faster , putting all his effort into giving her an excellent anal fucking , one that was stretching her ass wide and pummelling the hole like it hadn 't been pummelled before . His full ten inches was pounding at her , his big balls bouncing at her buttocks like a pair of pendulums . " Ohhhhh ! " cried Regina , " Oooohhh ! " as Owen slammed her ass open . It was the greatest feeling imaginable , " Oooohhhh ! " " Is this right ? " grunted Owen . He didn 't stop , but continued to ram her ass , his hands gripping her cheeks and playing with them as he thrust and thrust again . His thighs smacked at her buttocks , his dick pounding down the anal tube . He was going fast and deep , so skilful . Her clothes were sticking to her with sweat , the perspiration trickling down her forehead , despite the cool of the evening . It was getting dark as well , the sound of an owl in the distance . But that was almost drowned out by her passionate cries , " Oooohhh , oooohhh ! " Owen was moving quicker , upping his speed . He gave a grunt , " I 'm going to . . . " His seed spurted into her ass in waves , blasting deep into her bowels and filling her whole hole with his warm goo . He pulled out and some of the cum came with him , trickling from her ass and down her inner thighs .
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July 9 , 2012 by rebuildyourlifecoach I am thrilled to hear that Wild just hit # 1 on the New York Times Bestseller list . Author Cheryl Strayed had accepted my request for a blog interview back in March . So in her honor today and in my happiness for her I felt it appropos to repost her interview . And if you haven 't already done so , read this book . It 's a page - turning adventure story detailing one woman 's journey towards reclaiming her life while out in the wilderness . It 's a unique story of courage , vulnerability , ' kookiness ' and inspiration written in captivating prose that brings you up close to each and every event . I am so excited to present this month 's interviewee , Cheryl Strayed . I am exceptionally happy for Ms . Strayed because her memoir , Wild , which just came out March 20th has been getting rave reviews and is currently # 7 on the New York Times bestseller list . And Reese Witherspoon has optioned the movie rights to Wild , in which she will star as Cheryl . I am extremely appreciative that in this exciting ' hoopla ' time for Ms . Strayed , she warmly and graciously agreed to this interview . Her story is quite unique , to say the least , in how she has rebuilt her life after going through the tragic loss of her mother . Ms . Strayed found her way back { to life } by embarking on an 1 , 100 mile hike along the Pacific Crest Trail ( PCT ) . " It seemed like years ago now - as I stood barefoot on that mountain in California - in a different lifetime , really , when I 'd make the arguably unreasonable decision to take a long walk alone on the PCT in order to save myself . " One of the last things my mother said to me before she died was that I was a seeker . I didn 't understand at the time how right she was , but now I do . My impulse to reach and dig and get to another emotional or psychological place , to understand a new thing , served me well when I had to rage against my mother 's death at the age of 45 and later , when I had to heal my sorrow and learn how to live without her . One time about two years after my mother died I was with a group of women on Mother 's Day . We 'd rented a cabin for the weekend and since none of us were with our mothers we went around in a circle taking turns saying something about our moms by way of honoring them . I was the only one with a dead mother . These women were kind to me , but I remember feeling an unreasonable amount of unexpressed resentment toward them . It felt so unfair that they got to have moms and I didn 't . ( And then of course I felt guilty for feeling that way . ) I let go of my self - pity over time , as I grew up and accepted the fact that I would never get my mother back . I also met many people who 'd also lost their parents young and they were a great consolation to me . I don 't experience self - pity anymore , but that doesn 't mean I don 't notice what I 've lost . I 'm never with a friend and his or her mother that I am not aware of it . A little voice in my head always says , lucky you . But it 's a loving voice , and one that understands complexity . There are many orphans whose parents are alive and well . I had many epiphanies that together formed an evolution . The hardest part about losing one 's primary parent in one 's teens or twenties is that you 're still trying to form your identity , to figure out who you 're going to be in the world , and smack dab in the midst of that , you 've lost the person who 'd defined you and against which you 'd defined yourself . You 're grieving so hard , but you 're also trying to grow up . Those things are utterly tangled together for me . I don 't know what was youthful angst and confusion and what was my grief , and I never will . I can 't imagine what my life would have been like if my mother hadn 't died . I 've learned as much from her in her death as I did in her life . I had to stitch my own stories with the threads of her absence . At a certain point I became willing to do that . I accepted her death as my rebirth , whether I liked it or not . I was on a big journey when this really became clear to me - on an 1100 - mile solo hike on the Pacific Crest Trail , which I wrote about in my memoir , Wild . The summer I hiked the trail was a time of many epiphanies . My experience on the PCT changed me forever . It was my evolution . I miss my mother every day , but my grief has lessened over time . It doesn 't feel like the great weight that will sink me anymore . When it did feel that way in the four or five years after her death , I found comfort in my friendships , in silence and solitude , in the wilderness , and in my writing . Acceptance was probably the most important coping skill . I found solace in simply sitting with my sorrow . There 's a lot of strength in crying the tears that need to be cried and letting go of what cannot any longer be held . By moving forward . By searching out love and goodness . By keeping faith with the things that brought me the most inner peace . By mothering my children with the same big love my mother mothered me . By becoming the woman my mother raised me to be , even though she didn 't get to be here to see her . There are dark days and painfully bright nights in this life . We have the capacity to survive them . We know this because so many others have and are and will . It 's an ancient tale . Trust it . July 6 , 2012 by rebuildyourlifecoach I 'm staring up at the bird on the ceiling . I 'm on his wings flying off to Somewhere . Blue sky and puffy clouds surround him . This is all a great visual while I sit in the chair , my jaw hurting as I hold my mouth open as wide as I can during a painless root canal procedure . Yes , you read it right - it is painless because my endodontist has the gift of golden dental hands . Having said that , it 's still not the most comfortable half - hour , breathing through a rubber dam while two people are working in my mouth with all kinds of instruments and foul - tasting sprays and medicines being used . And so I try hard to defocus on what 's going on in my mouth and concentrate on the beautiful ceiling , clearly designed as a calming factor in a typically anxiety - provoking situation . Let 's face it , going to the dentist is not a pleasure - producing experience . In yoga , we 're told to pick a spot to focus on while doing balancing poses . It helps keep us grounded and connected . So while I 'm not exactly balancing in my chair , ' my ' bird is my focal point as I try to maintain a calm flow of breath and stay connected to that rather than to the tightness in my body . If I 'm lucky , I can even lose myself in flight along with Mr . Bird . Next week when I begin my visits to my general dentist for the crown work to be done , I will be staring at a plain white ceiling and imagining the beautiful sky and bird as my mind will have to work a bit harder at visualizing my flight to somewhere . I manage this specific anxiety through breathing , visualization and a form of meditation . This generally works for me . I do the same before I give a presentation . Deep breathing , then quiet breathing as I close my eyes for a few minutes , and then an affirmative pep - talk gets me calm , focused and psyched . I talk to myself en route to the presentation and then allow for 15 minutes in my parked car to do my quiet calming exercises . Generalzied anxiety , as my recent interviewee , Priscilla Warner suffers from , is much harder to handle . She 's worked on it for years and only recently has found more natural ways of managing it , in conjunction with medication . When anxiety interferes with one 's overall functioning , it can be debilitating . Where it 's more localized to specific situations , it can be coped with in { even } some fairly creative ways . On vacation recently , I met a woman who has tremendous anxiety over flying . Since she 's a lover of travel and won 't give that up , besides the knock - out pill - popping solution before getting on a plane , she has started taking a ship across the Atlantic . For someone who has the extra time and enjoys cruising , what a great solution . Antidotes to Anxiety : Think out of the box . Seek creative solutions so you can attain your desired goal . Conscious breathing . It really does slow down your whole system . Visualize positive outcomes or something you love . For pervasive and generalized anxiety that compromises one 's quality of life , it 's important to understand the underlying root and possible causes . Working through the issues with a good therapist can go a long way in bringing someone to the point of then managing it with { the above - mentioned } behavioral steps . No one is alone with anxiety . It is part of the human condition . The differences lie in degree and ability to manage . How do you cope with your anxiety ? How big is it in your life ? Share your techniques and ways of dealing with it . It may help others . Thanks for stopping by and reading this . Hope you 're building in fun this summer season . Oh and by the way , fun is a great anti - anxiety defense . In the midst of fun , there 's little room for anxiety to enter . Share this : EmailTweetMorePrintLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments » Interview with Priscilla Warner - Bringing Calm to Her Life July 1 , 2012 by rebuildyourlifecoach " I haven 't had a full - blown panic attack in a couple of years . Granted , my body is not always an ocean of tranquility . I still feel lonliness , fear , and what I call the black - and - blues - the sadness I finally allow myself to feel , the sadness that panic covered up for so many years . " As many of you may know from my { June } interview with Meredith Vieria , I met her at an event in New York City where she interviewed her childhood friend , Priscilla Warner , on her recent book , Learning to Breathe . That night was a win - win for me as I met two wonderfully warm and engaging women , and they each agreed to do a blog interview . So this month , it 's Ms . Warner 's turn . She is a noted writer , having coauthored a New York Times bestseller , The Faith Club , and now her new memoir . She takes us on a fascinating journey as she seeks to find ways to heal from her years of suffering from high anxiety and panic attacks . Most , if not all of us can relate to anxiety but her condition was oftentimes very debilitating . Ms . Warner shows us it 's never too late to learn , grow and change or as she says , " An old tiger can learn new tricks . " I am so pleased to present Priscilla Warner . My mother , a prolific artist , used to tell me , " People will disappoint you , but your work never will . " The love I feel for my family and friends is the most powerful positive factor in my life . But often what sustains me most during tough times , propelling me forward , is my ability to create something from nothing , whether I 'm writing or making art and jewelry . I didn 't go through a period of self - pity , but I did feel shame when I suffered from panic attacks . I felt like I had a defective nervous system , that erupted at will , prohibiting me from functioning like a ' normal ' person . What lifted me out of that shame was writing Learning to Breathe , because it sent me on a mission to heal that proved to be astonishingly effective . There was not one specific ' eureka ' moment that turned me from an anxious person into a happy woman . I take life moment by moment now . My meditation practice helps me to note the happy , sad , anxious , boring , challenging instructive moments I experience and be grateful as they string themselves together into one long life . The Thomas Wolfe quote I used for my high school yearbook is still surprisingly relevant ! " Knowledge is finding out something for oneself with pain , with joy , with exultancy , with labor , and with all the little ticking , breathing moments of our lives . " Meditation is a daily practice that helps me sustain a feeling of being grounded , at peace and in touch with my essence . I love knowing that all I need to do is observe my breath coming and going in order to feel empowered , healthy and happy . I also start my day with a short prayer of gratitude , which gets me off to the perfect start , wherever else the day might take me . What thoughts propel you forward ? I 've discovered that people can heal in ways they never thought possible . There are many resources out there to help make that possible . We can all turn pain into understanding and growth . We can choose the path we take through our suffering . That path will twist and turn in ways we can never expect . But if we put one foot in front of the other , and approach life one step at a time , we can move from a painful place to a productive one . We can accept sadness and feel grace . We can find teachers , therapists , techniques , experiences and resources that don 't have to cost a fortune , but that can make a huge difference in our lives . Hear Ms . Warner speak : June 27 , 2012 by rebuildyourlifecoach Hiking - a mindful , focused , present - oriented , small step activity . I must be and do all of these as I put one foot in front of the other along the unpredictable terrain . Especially on a steep ascent or steeply declining descent where I step with intention so my feet grip the earth , the mental concentration is intense . I must remind myself to stop and look up at the surrounding beauty or I miss half the reason for hiking in this most breathtaking nature that has been presented to us . The fragility and unpredictability of life is out there with each step . There could be a loose rock underfoot , a falling rock seemingly out of nowhere , a snow bridge that appears thick and sturdy and upon stepping cracks under our feet . We all know life 's challenges oftentimes appear out of left field and they can hit hard . Stop to look up and see all that 's around us . A wonderful excerpt from one of my favorite children 's book , The Phantom Tollbooth , portrays this beautifully : " … as you know , the most important reason for going from one place to another is to see what 's in between , and they took great pleasure in doing just that . Then one day someone discovered that if you walked as fast as possible and looked at nothing but your shoes you would arrive at your destination much more quickly . Soon everyone was doing it . They all rushed down the avenues and hurried along the boulevards seeing nothing of the wonders and beauties of their city as they went . " " … No one paid any attention to how things looked , and as they moved faster and faster everything grew uglier and dirtier , and as everything grew uglier and dirtier they moved faster and faster , and at last a very strange thing began to happen . Because nobody cared , the city began to disappear . Day by day the buildings grew fainter and fainter , and the streets faded away , until at last it was entirely invisible . There was nothing to see at all . " It 's often better not knowing the future , not knowing ahead of time what we 're going to be up against . On one of our hikes , we ended up climbing 3500 feet . If our guide had told us that before we started , we would 've said , " no way , we can 't do that . " If I would 've known ahead of time that my daughter would be on a ventilator for three months and in the hospital for nine more months , I would 've said , " I won 't be able to handle that ; I won 't be able to be by her side and function for that long under such stress and anguish . " And yet we do it . We put one foot in front of the other and climb on , and carry on . Our mind doesn 't have the chance ( ahead of time ) to warn us off by telling us , " no , no you won 't be able to do that . " And so we plow onward . And we do it , huffing and puffing , with rest breaks as needed . We have so little control { in the externals of life } . The forces of nature are strong . We can control how we function and manage with what we have and are given . We can make decisions to the best of our ability at the time . The rest is left to the wind and to the forces that be . We 're not there till we 're there . Just when I think I 'm in the clear after a long and steep descent and am finally on level ground in the village , my slippery hiking shoe souls take me for a quick little slide on the flat and study pavement . There 's something way bigger than us out there . Being surrounded by grandiose mountains is an amazing reminder that we inhabit a grand earth . There 's a majesty of nature , higher power , God or whatever you choose to call it to be , that embraces us . Let 's embrace it and each other with the beauty that is out there . Thanks for stopping by . If you feel moved , please share in the Comments . If you don 't , you can comment anyway , and subscribe if you haven 't already . A fall on a snow bridge as it cracked over a waterfall . June 21 , 2012 by rebuildyourlifecoach Today 's posting is my guest post for the Tiny Buddha inspirational blog . I am very happy to share this piece with you . It is a theme that has been with me for years . We often write about what we struggle with . Here is my angst with the Why question and how I 've come to terms with it . I used to be a " why " person . Why you ask ? Because after receiving my { middle } daughter 's diagnosis of a neurological condition , I got really hooked into the " why me " mode , and it just ate away at every fiber of my core . It 's great to go away on vacation and it 's nice to return home with wonderful experiences soon to become memories . So I 'm back after a two week hiatus rejuvenated from some gorgeous hiking in the Swiss Alps . Nature is a wonderful get - a - way ; it clears away the staleness inside and out . Thanks for stopping by and do go over to the wonderful Tiny Buddha site . Lori Deschene continues to impact a tremendous number of people with her inspirational daily writing . June 4 , 2012 by rebuildyourlifecoach My interview with Meredith Vieira on living with chronic illness { in the family } made me think back to my family 's time when we lived through my daughter , Nava 's , chronic condition of ulcerative colitis . Until it get managed well with the proper medicines , it was obviously difficult and emotionally painful to watch a loved one ( in this case an 11 year old child ) writhe in pain , wake up in the middle of the night crying out on blood - streaked sheets and lose a lot of weight . During the acute stage of her illness , there was no escaping the fact that life revolved around sickness . It was only when it began to finally get under control with steroids and then maintained with colitis medication that I could strive towards regaining some semblance of normalcy in our home . I did not want illness to define Nava nor our family 's life . Yes , it was a component of her and our life but it wasn 't the entirety . I wanted to make life bigger and broader than the colitis . It became relatively easy to do once the acuteness of the disease went into quiet mode with a fairly small regimen of daily pills , for which Navi became completely responsible . For six years the illness kept a low profile ; Nava was fine and healthy . And then all hell broke loose when a major flare - up that couldn 't be controlled set off a medical crisis ( which I 've written much about ) . Fast forward - Nava is ' cured ' of ulcerative colitis as she had her colon removed and has a permanent ostomy . She has her life back , her health back and lives well . She handles her ostomy herself without a peep of complaint . So how do you live with a chronic condition ? As Ms . Vieira stated , with openness and honesty . I used to talk to my girls all the time about how scary it was for Navi and for all of us ; about how unfair it seemed that she had disabilities and then had to have a medical condition on top of that . And when Navi would cry out , there was a lot of acknowledging of , " I know how horrible this is and how scary it is . Emotional pain has to be expressed . ears need to flow . hat 's what frees us up to carry on with a wee bit of a lighter load . I certainly had my share of venting , ' why Navi ' ; however my own pity parties were held under my covers at night . When those calm periods of health are there , run with it . Celebrate , play , have fun , take advantage and go with it . We 'd grow our memories of good times by making sure to play and have fun . We 'd go out and do , and engage . Every Sunday was fun day . We 'd go places and do great stuff . From apple - picking to row boating to Renaissance Fairs to ice - skating , we were out engaging in life . And when Navi didn 't feel up to it , I 'd make sure her sisters were doing their fun things . Maintain as normal a routine as possible . Illness brings forth the feeling that life is out of our control ; it 's running us over . And it is and it does . Therefore some sense of predictability is crucial . Kids function much better when they have structure and routine . I say , we all function better with that . We need to feel we have some ' say ' in our world . It 's securing to know some things stay the same , especially when the big stuff goes out of whack - in this case the health of someone . These are a few things that helped us through our travails of chronic illness . If you 've gone through any sort of ongoing condition with a loved one ( or yourself ) , I 'd love to hear what helped get you through . June 1 , 2012 by rebuildyourlifecoach I am so excited to put out this month 's interview with Meredith Vieira . As most of you know Ms . Vieira is a journalist and TV personality . She was the original talk show host of The View and co - hosted the Today show , the NBC early morning news program . She currently hosts the TV game show , Who Wants To Be A Millionaire , as well as being a frequent contributor to other news shows . I had the pleasure of meeting Ms . Vieira at a book event at the JCC in Manhattan where she interviewed her friend / author of a new book . At the reception afterwards , she graciously accepted my request for a blog interview . Speaking to her on the phone was like talking to a good old friend . The issue I focused on with Ms . Vieira is one that is unfortunately all too prevalent - that of chronic illness ; and more specifically its impact upon the family . Richard Cohen , Ms . Vieira 's husband , has been living with multiple sclerosis for more than 30 years . Mr . Cohen is a TV producer and writer . He writes a most reflective and insightful column on chronic illness for AARP Magazine . He has also written two books . ( referred to later on ) It becomes a ' family affair ' to live and cope with the daily struggles and difficulties of a chronic and debilitating condition . The challenge here is to live as best as one can , with it and despite it ; and Ms . Vieira and Mr . Cohen do it well together . I hope you get lots of take - aways from this most down - to - earth interview . I am appreciative of Ms . Vieira 's openness and authenticity as she brings us into her family 's life , providing insight and inspiration on coping and living with chronic illness . What personal qualities have helped you carry on and move in a positive direction ? For me what has helped is for Richard to be open about his illness . For a very long time he was closed . Partly that was out of concern about how people would react to him , professionally and personally . He kept his disease from people . That made it harder to deal with as a couple . You knew you were part of this masking and I don 't think that 's healthy for the other person involved - the partner . I understood it and I didn 't force the issue but I was glad when Richard decided to be honest with people . That was the result of our older son as a very little boy , at 6 or 7 , asking me late one night when the lights were off in his room , ' what 's the matter with Dad ? ' Kids are so smart . I don 't remember what I said exactly in the moment to comfort him - something like that Dad was fine and in the morning we 'd all talk about it . The next day we did ; we explained it in terms a child could understand . It was after that that Richard realized , " I want to be open about this now . " So I think the openness has helped me . I 'm all for not burying feelings . I think it 's much better to get it out . A sense of humor : We both have a pretty good sense of humor . We can laugh at the absurd . And when you have this kind of illness , there are moments that are really absurd . You can either get very depressed which is understandable or you can try to shake it off as best you can , put it in perspective and move on . I think humor helps us put things in perspective . That has been a great coping mechanism for me as well as for Richard . He often will lead the way . He 'll have an episode where maybe he drops something and he gets very angry at himself . And then he 'll make a joke ; and that allows me , that gives me permission to make a joke back . Nine times out of ten we reach that point and I think that has been tremendously helpful . Friends : This comes with openness . I am totally comfortable leaning on friends . We have wonderful friends who not only ask Richard how he is doing , but will ask me how I 'm doing . This speaks to the whole notion of family illness . This is an important message , if I was to get out anything , it is - for those who know someone with chronic illness , ' don 't be afraid to ask ' . We appreciate it . A lot of people are scared to bring it up because they may feel they 're walking on egg shells around people who are chronically ill . My experience has been that most people in that situation like when it 's acknowledged and they have that opportunity to speak about it . Sure I have days when Richard will say ' why me ' and I 'll say to myself , ' why me ' ? I knew about Richard 's illness before I married him ; it wasn 't sprung on me . He was diagnosed with MS when he was 25 . And I married him when I was 33 . He 's five years older than me . We used to run all the time together . We can 't do that anymore . I love things like skiing , things that he can 't do . There are moments when we 're talking about a vacation and we 're limited and then I 'll feel , ' oh I really want to do that ' . It 's one of those passing things . But I also think that 's O . K . It 's O . K to have a pity party every once - in - a - while , just let it out . Because there is loss - there 's physical loss and emotional loss . There 's that kind of day - to - day loss and it 's alright to feel bad about that as long as you can put it in perspective ; in the scheme of things that ' ain 't ' the biggest issue . 3 . Please speak here to the issue of caretaking Caregiver is the word I use . Richard is not in the position where he needs that kind of attention . Because he has secondary MS , he has less ability to use his hands and eye - sight than he used to . So there are times when I am his hands or his sight - for reading a menu , tying a shoe or doing that top button on a shirt . But I 'm certainly not a full - time caregiver . We sort of take care of each other . I think a lot of people who are caregivers feel tremendous guilt when they allow their personal feelings to rise above those of their spouse . It 's sort of like ' how dare you . That 's the person who 's ill , not you ; so what right do you have ? ' And I think you have every right , whatever your emotions are . 4 . Was there a specific moment or epiphany that helped guide you to a better place mentally and psychologically , or did it evolve ? I understood enough about MS going into the marriage in part because my dad was a doctor . I went to appointments with Richard and I saw people younger than him who were already wheelchair - bound . I knew the potential progression of the illness . It 's so unpredictable . Will Richard end up in a wheelchair or worse - bedridden ? Is it possible ; sure it is , but we have no way of knowing that 's going to be the outcome . Every individual is different . I knew a possible trajectory of the illness heading into it . It sounds so trite but that expression about being hit by a bus tomorrow . You just don 't know in life . He could dive off a diving board and break his neck and be a guadrapalegic . I could get ill . You can 't live your life on the ' what ifs ' . Because you 'd never do anything . So to me it was worth it . This is just a part of what we deal with . Everybody has their stuff . This is our stuff . There 's that wonderful story of everyone putting their troubles in a bag and throwing them all in a pile , and all you want is your own bag back . Because it 's familiar . Richard especially has had a bumb deal because he also has had two bouts of colon cancer . It hasn 't only been MS for him . I did have a little conversation with God after the second bout of cancer . I said , " really , really , this guy doesn 't deserve all this . " I thought that was a cheap shot , just really unnecessary ; we got it . ( the lesson ) Take away that part of our life and there are unbelievable pluses . It 's led Richard to a point in terms of his own reflection where he was able to write two beautiful books about chronic illness . Write what you know . And help people . His books have really helped people . To be able to have that gift where you can actually change somebody 's life , that 's a pretty amazing gift . It came at a cost , but it 's still an amazing gift . When he wrote about it , he was able to release and let go . I think it was very empowering for him and I think it gave him a strength he didn 't have before . MS does a real number on you where you feel like less of a man . This gave him some of his self - worth back . It allowed him to articulate it . He had buried it . When he started to write about it , it helped him deal better with his illness and face it . He talks a lot about denial and he thinks denial is a very good thing . For the longest time he denied the illness and said , " I don 't care ; they say I can 't be a producer , I 'll be a producer . " It worked for him up to a certain point ; but by burying it he wasn 't allowing himself to feel everything he needed to feel and to face everything he needed to face . Writing his first book , his memoir , Blindsided , allowed him to do it in a safe way because he is a writer . It was like therapy . His second book is Strong at the Broken Places is a profile of five people with chronic illness . His third book is coming out in October and it has nothing to do with illness . It 's called , I Want to Kill the Dog . It 's hysterical . It 's about our history with our pets in our family . It 's freedom again . He said , " I don 't want to be known just as the disability author . There 's more to me . " He 's almost come full circle . " MS doesn 't totally define me ; it 's part of my life , it 's not all of my life . " He 's a very funny guy and so he wrote this very funny book . I just kind of live day - to - day . Today was a good day or maybe today wasn 't the best day , but tomorrow might be better . That seems to work best for me . We 're still in that stage where that 's doable . When you are living with any kind of illness , you really learn to appreciate the here and now . It takes on an added value because you 're lucky to have it . If there 's any coping mechanism that 's what it is : try to be as much in the moment as you can be and enjoy it ; or understand if it 's not great , then this too shall pass . 6 . What advice would you offer people going through their own difficult situation ? It 's important to be able to communicate . Illness is a family affair . You need to keep the communication going and open on all sides . And certainly if you have kids as well . As I said , keeping this from our kids was a little off because kids in general are so attuned to things . Build that group of friends , that support system around you . Go for it . Don 't be afraid . Don 't feel that you 're a burden to other people . And don 't be ashamed of illness . What you 'll discover is everybody else has their own thing . People don 't like to talk about stuff . They hide it but if you 're open and you say you need help , people will be there for you . It 's important to know they 're there . It 's like it takes a village ; when there 's illness it takes a village too . Most people have been phenomenal . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :
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I never knew how much I loved garlic . . . until I stopped buying it out of a jar . My first attempts at fresh garlic were not without mishap , especially when I thought the whole head of garlic was a clove of garlic . Well , I 've come a long ways . Call me Miss Domestic . I still won 't peel the stuff , it takes too long . But there is this great product at Costco called Fresh Garlic . . . Peeled . Beautiful stuff there . So , because I don 't really need two pounds of fresh garlic , I have stolen my mother - in - law 's recipe for roasted garlic and I now roast those handy - dandy , pre - peeled garlic cloves . Then , I share the garlic goodwill with others . Like this Friday , when we went to visit some dear friends after a week of camping . . . Inevitably , we were dirty . So , I planned ahead and came bearing gifts . . . hoping they would let us in the door . They did . I 'm pretty sure it 's because I brought the garlic . Or because we 're so utterly charming that the grime was hardly noticeable . . . um . . . it was the garlic . Here 's the easy steps : Open up that bulk - sized bag of garlic and spread it out on a cookie sheet or low roasting pan . Pour some olive oil over the top ( about 1 / 2 a cup , or more ) and toss to coat . Roast the garlic at 325 for about 30 - 40 minutes , stirring every ten minutes or so . Let the garlic cool a bit . It should look like this when you are done . Then throw it in your food processor and let your two - year old push ON . Package the garlic in cuter packaging than mine and throw it in your refrigerator until you feel that garlic - goodwill - feeling . It will keep for approximately four months . This morning , we are on the road . Not to be confused with the side of the road . We are headed to the ocean to show the kids real waves , real fish , and real camping . Okay , that last part is a joke . Who are we kidding ? We 'll be driving our e - bay motorhome ( we own half of it , my parents own the cleaner half ) , and we 're parking it in an RV park , hooking up our electricity and water , and conveniently calling it camping . It 's rough - I have to actually light the stove before I cook , thank you very much . And the shower water pressure is a tad too strong , leaves me almost sore . Roughing it . Anyways , all of this means that I 've spent the last two days trying to prepare . And there are a few essentials for every family vacation that I dragged out to the motorhome ( which , by the way , is currently parked in our driveway and racking up CC & R code violations ) . I thought you should know what essentials - other than electricity and running water - we can 't live without while " camping " : Games - we 're all about these , especially with our six - year old . I like to think of myself as the coach she never had - my job is to make sure she learns how to lose with grace . Which means I show no mercy . I do my best to whoop her at every game we play , particularly Phase 10 and SET . For the younger kids , we are into the Letter Factory Bingo game that I picked up at a thrift store for $ 3 . Their victory dances are so cute to us and are going to make for very awkward moments in a few years at the soccer games . Real Gil and I used to play boardgames together before we had kids , now we 're too tired to have many remaining brain cells . But if we do blow the dust off an old , well - loved game , it 'll definitely be Bohnanza , the best game ever . Books - we have quite a variety this week . . . Philip Yancey for me ( The Jesus I Never Knew ) . . . Bringing Up Boys for Real Gil . . . Ramona the Pest for Punkin ' . . . and some Curious George for the younger two . I can 't wait to snuggle up oceanside and read the same story over and over , just to keep my kids in my arms . Garlic . Yes , Posted by Well , I 've been staying up wa - hay too late this week with Real Gil away in the evenins . And because I am so sacrificial , I am not caught up on Top Chef as my evenings have been spent reading and linking great posts for my ever - so - kind readers . So , I hope you find a few minute to check them out . As always , I am studying and prayerfully considering how we educate our children . This first link is super long , but wow , it is full of honest evaluations from one homeschooling father . If you don 't have time to read the entire thing , you can read Amy 's favorite part , which was my favorite part too . Which makes me feel super smart . On a more practical note , here 's a link to the workbox system that we use for organizing all of the homeschool stuff in our home . Jolanthe does it a bit differently than we do , but she 's got loads of information , links to many other families ' systems , and best of all , free printables . Although I do not struggle with the ongoing debate over Christians and birth control , I have in the past , and still find the discussion interesting . Since I 'm mentioning Amy , I must recommend one of my favorite posts of all time , her post on birth control . It was gentle , humble , and doggone smart ( that 's her ) . This recent article from Christianity Today poses another view . I found the comments after both articles to be particularly interesting too . On a related topic , if you found last week 's link to the new book , Quivering Daughters , to be insightful , you might want to try your hand at winning a copy free , here . Lighter stuff , you say ? Oh , do I have it for you ! ! ! If you need to laugh , check out this blog - a virtual family that lives in Pottery Barn catalogs - or this blog which makes me laugh at myself . Thankfulness is contagious ! Especially from little ones . An interesting article on what is really making Americans fat . . . Real Gil is a skeptic when it comes to organics and he 's not going to like this article ! But if you 're personally sold on organics , this article contains a list of the " Dirty Dozen " items that are higPosted by The only time that seems safe to me is the very present . Now . I know we can learn from the past . That 's one of the highest commodities of history - learning and growing from the past . In looking back , we see God 's faithfulness to us personally over the years . God even commands us to reflect , to recall our past and how He has been faithful . He tells the Israelites over and over again to remember . . . Remember that you were slaves in Egypt and the LORD your God redeemed you . ( Deuteronomy 15 : 15 ) It seems they were always building monuments in order to remember God 's faithfulness . But remembering the past can be a dangerous place to sit for too long . I start to recollect otherwise forgotten and forgiven sins done against me ( or sins I committed against another ) . Or I remember how sweet life used to be . . usually these recollections take me to the newlywed years b . c . ( before children ) Like most nostalgic moments , I forget the cockroaches , tight budgets , and that miserable semester of Non - Euclidean Geometry . I just remember the simplicity , the SLEEP . . . and a spirit of discontent rises in me . I 'm not the first one to do this . The Israelites were rescued by God from tortuous conditions in Egypt and afterwards , their memories warped as their hunger grew : We remember the fish we ate in Egypt at no cost - also the cucumbers , melons , leeks , onions and garlic . ( Numbers 11 : 5 ) Their moaning and complaining went on so much that God finally gave them what they wanted - meat . So much so that it was coming out their noses . Similarly , if I look back so fondly at my early years of marriage , before children , and resort to complaining about today , might God someday give me what I want ? Peace and quiet . . . until I hate the very thought of it . Just the other day , we were at a Fourth of July picnic . There was an older couple , probably retired , sitting behind us at their perfect picnic meal . While we ate chips straight from the bag , they had a tablecloth , a table , the perfect picnic basket , cloth napkins , real silverware , and glass bowls of fried chicPosted by Can we really open our hearts and homes to complete strangers ? Does the writer of Hebrews not understand John Walsh and America 's Most Wanted ? I 'm sure there is a place for practical wisdom and all of those parental warnings not to pick up hitchhikers . Perhaps this is the place to insert that . But a few snapshots flitter through my mind when I think of hospitality to strangers . . . A middle - aged man rides by on a scooter with a four or five - year old little girl holding on to his waist . They stop at a trash can and he lowers the dirty bag from his shoulder . I look twice to make sure I 'm really seeing this happening in our little town . Our little cold town , the heater in my car reminds me . Behind me , a six - year old passenger sees it too . We watch as he puts plastic gloves on the little girl 's hands ( none for him ) and they work the lid off the trash can . My mind races , and so does the mouth of my observant daughter . We drive with purpose to the next trash can in line and I slip out of the car , shiver over to the container , and carefully lay my largest bill ( not big enough ) inside the can . We drive away , praying together for the pair , and praising God that He inspired and animated our hearts in that moment to be available . The woman 's hair belies the many wrinkles on her face and I 'm not sure she even notices how her left hand keeps flitting up to cover her not - so - perfect teeth . Many times she comments on my sweet family and then , asks me , " What is it about you that makes you such a breath of fresh air ? " And I wimp out . . . blush . . . shrug my shoulders and list off things : " Oh , maybe it 's just the sunshine . Or good makeup . . . [ Then , like an afterthought . . . ] And God . " She changes the subject quickly and I wish for a second chance . I wouldn 't make jokes , I would say the only thing that makes any of us captivating - Jesus . A shameful moment lacking in hospitality and courage that only He can supply as I trust Him with the results . And have I ever loved a complete stranger like I love this one ? Her eyes , her face , even her goat have bePosted by " Do not forget to entertain strangers , for by so doing , some have unwittingly entertained angels . " - Hebrews 13 : 2With three little ones underfoot , I don 't always have the time , energy , or resources to practice hospitality . Especially of the sort my parents practiced with Greg . But as the verse in Hebrews reveals , God 's hospitality is geared not just towards friends or family , but also towards strangers or acquaintances . This is a challenge for me , and I 'm an extrovert ! What about all the introverts out there ? As I have pondered this , though , I realize that a genuine openness is where true hospitality can start . It doesn 't require fancy meals or well - organized games for the kids ( although those are great ) . It doesn 't even require formal invitations . Instead , I believe hospitality is an invitation to enter . To welcome others into our lives . Can 't that happen anywhere ? Even - dare I say it - on a blog or Facebook ? Just the other day , I was visiting a very old , frail family member . Unlike my normally distracted manner , I stopped , looked her in the eye , and asked how she was doing . She started to describe some of her struggles and I found myself wrapping an arm around her , rubbing her back gently . These are not normal responses for me - even unnatural - but I realized that it was exactly what she needed , especially when this older woman leaned into my arm as if she was thirsty for an embrace . I took the invitation and she took mine . Maybe for the first time in my adult life , I held her in a true hug . Generations switching places and I held her carefully after all the years she held me . Could this be the hospitality that God inspires ? An openness of the heart ? I am ashamed to admit how few times I have allowed His Spirit to take me to such a vulnerable place . After all , this dear woman in my life could have " pshaw ! - ed " my arm off or stepped away to readjust a knick knack on the wall . That would have been okay too , because the result is not up to me . But it was exhilarating to watch His Spirit use me to meet a need I didn 't Posted by Real Gil 's side of our family tree looks orderly and trimmed , while my side looks like it got sprayed with powerful fertilizer . With five living generations , it has lots of great stories and makes the tree nice and lopsided . Stories about folks rebelling and leaving the Amish , missing brothers who were quite possibly spotted with Native American tribes years later , a grandma who smoked a corncob pipe and became a Civil War widow . . . Somehow , the stories intertwined in California where my parents ' lives mingled and merged . One " branch " of our family at a recent reunionGenerations before me all lived in Southern California . Some even have streets named after them . It was my parents who decided to leave these deep roots . They dreamed of fresher air , narrower roads , and more opportunities . So , they started by putting a For Sale sign in the front yard of the only home I could remember - a ranch - style four - bedroom house with metallic butterfly wallpaper in the front bathroom and gold specks in the kitchen linoleum . I used to try to peel up the linoleum to get at that stubborn gold , but it teased me with its inlaid permanency . One day , not long after that scary sign was posted in our yard , my father went out to cut wood . ( Doesn 't that sound like Laura Ingalls ? " Pa cut wood while we played ball with the dried pig 's bladder . . . " I always had nightmares about that part . ) While away , he tramped through one of the few remaining orange groves in the area and stumbled upon a man sitting under a tree . Other than the obvious meal of fresh oranges , he was hungry , homeless , and eager to work . My father brought him home for dinner . Do not forget to entertain strangers . . . His name was Greg and he ate with us that night , three girls all lined up at the table with my parents . He told us about his family in Montana , how he hoped to send them money soon . I remember getting soap in my eyes that night in the bath and when I came out to say good night to my dad , Greg patted me awkwardly on my wet head and asked if I was okay . I remember thinking hPosted by It 's been a few weeks since I have spent any notable amount of time reading online . So , I 'm trying to make it up to you this Friday with lots of great links . Happy weekend to you and yours ! Resting in His Strength , KarenThe " simple " life can mean a lot of different things . . . a humorous article on rural life in America . Contrast that with this fascinating blog which documents a teenager 's conversion and transition into the Amish community . This one is a doozy . I debated whether or not to put it up , but it definitely has me thinking , thanking God for my own upbringing , and resting in His faithfulness to my children in spite of all their parents ' mistakes . . . Please try to look past some of her sweeping generalizations and I think you 'll find many truths in this article , if you decide to read it . Some free stuff for all you elementary homeschool folks . Something I am definitely planning on reading . . . we need all the help we can get around here with girls . A follow - up visit from Diane Sawyer with a happy ending . An inspiring story that reminds me why child sponsorship is a blessing to the giver and the gifted . Each night , my kids pray for " little Jeannie in A - fica , and her goat too . " What a gift she has become to our family , thanks to Compassion 's work . What would your cardboard story say ? Cardboard Stories from The Austin Stone on Vimeo . Thanks to Kristen who shared this , and her own cardboard story . I struggled with my own . . . especially after deciding to take pictures of myself pre - shower and post - attic - clean - out . But all is well , and I rest in Him who could care less . So , I 'm trying not to . What would your cardboard handwriting say about you , and better yet , what would it say about God ? Resting in Him Alone , Karen Look out ' cuz Karen put away the glue gun today and pulled out heavy artillery - the staple gun . My children duck for cover when they see me blowing the layer of garage shelf dust off of my slightly - rusted , yet unassumingly - powerful staple gun . They know it 's a serious home improvement week . Real Gil can hardly keep himself from putting a For Sale sign in the yard . But unlike that last one , this post is of the true , legitimate I - Did - It - Myself department . Not one bit of encouragement was needed to get me through it . Call me domestic . I just might go put an apron on . Anyways , here 's what happened . I found this frame at a garage sale . The price was right . ( Because anything with the words Antique and $ 5 is just right . Even if it 's an antique bottle of laxatives or something equally gross . ) There was a cartoonish portrait of a constipated child , perhaps being potty - trained , inside of it which I promptly ripped out . ( Perhaps he needed the laxatives . . . ) It was someone 's great - great - great - grandfather and was probably worth a million dollars , but it now sits in our local landfill . Trust me though , even if it was your great - great - great - grandfather , I 'm pretty sure you don 't want his contorted cartoon image staring at you . Then , I painted the existing wood frame blue . Now , up until a week ago , a white baby dress hung in the center of this salvaged beauty . You can see it in this picture of the girls ' bedroom , pre - Karen 's - DIY . After I redid our master bedroom last week , the girls were feeling a bit left out and asked if we could move their furniture around . I agreed . While we were at it , Punkin asked - with a bit of a whine - if we could please get rid of the baby dress in the frame . Sugs chimed in and asked if I could take down the " baby socks " hanging in another scrounged - up and painted frame . Yes , I know it 's all a bit immature for my seven - and four - year olds . Wait until they are sixteen and I 'm still trying to convince them that pigtails and hairy legs are acceptable . My babies are growing up ! ! ! Before I know it , they 're going to bePosted by Lest my head inflate a bit over my amazing craft skills ( ah - hem . ) , someone small who cannot pronounce his R 's decided to potty train himself this week . As much as I would like to insert my fantastic mothering skills into this process , I had nothing to do with the entire deal . Except buying a one - pound bag of Skittles to encourage the Little Man . Want to know what turned him away from those Huggies ? A lot of summertime fun outside . . . and a lot of dirt just asking to be peed on . . . Before we knew it , we were recording this momentous event : ( By the way , someone asked me how I was able to blot out the Little Man 's private - unless - he - has - to - go areas . I had to admit to them , I don 't have the least idea how to blot out areas in a video . That was just the biggest smudge I could find on the window I filmed through . ) Real Gil took him to the store and even took a picture of him after he picked his Batman & McQueen underwear . Convincing him to do it in the toilet took a little effort ( and a lot of Skittles ) . Again , I would like to take full credit for this part but all the credit goes to my twin sister who encouraged the little boys with the important responsibility of " making bubbles in the toilet . " Between the opportunity to stand off our back porch and spray the dirt with urine , or the enticement of making bubbles in the toilet , it was a win - win situation . And I humbly take no credit for the entire thing . But if you happen to be at a neighborhood playground with me , be forewarned . Better yet , warn your children . Because the Little Man loves Skittles , has bad aim , and no modesty . That 's why I take no credit . Resting in Him , Karen I don 't know what kind of bug I 've caught , but it might be contagious and it requires lots of energy and money . It 's called the Do - It - Yourself bug and it 's why I can 't stop painting , adjusting , and fluffing things . It may or may not have something to do with Real Gil 's dreamy moods these days about moving somewhere else . ( I must wonder if he likes my results when he keeps talking about putting a For Sale sign in the yard . . . ) But he puts up with this little epidemic with very little complaining . In fact , I can 't think of one complaint . . . even when I hung a chandelier on a bird cage hook next to his side of the bed . Look here , I 'll even get my lazy rear end up out of this chair and take a picture . . . It 's dark , of course , because that 's when I get a chance to type . But you can see , there is no mistaking the chandelier hanging off a birdcage hook . Poor man . He did offer to switch sides of the bed which might have been indicative of his distaste , especially considering he 's a creature of habit and has slept on the left side of the bed for twelve years . Anyways , all this to say , things are changing around my house . Have you heard of Cathe Holden 's blog , Just Something I Made . I often wonder if they have some kind of hormone replacement therapy that can infuse some of her artistic eye directly into my blood . Probably not . And that 's all right . I 'll just copy her . But even then , I 'm still intimidated by her stuff . Not too long ago , I went to my dear friend 's house where Queen K is never afraid of Mod Podge , and regularly produces amazing crafts . She coached me and prodded me and gently urged me through this project so much so that I want her to become my running coach and prod me gently through every miserable mile . If she had a blog of her own , she 'd be complaining right now about what a craft - wimp I am . But she doesn 't , so I 'm off the hook . Here 's what we - no , here 's what she made - wait , no . Here 's what she copied . . . A Life - Size Measuring Tape ! ( As with all amateur photography found on this blog , please disregard the toys stPosted by Did you know " Facebook " is now a verb ? The problem is that verbs require I do something . In this case , it requires spontaneous computer access , a somewhat - peaceful environment conducive to virtual conversation , and something to write about . All of these are valid reasons for my fairly inactive Facebook account . So , I decided that I would try the old - fashioned Post - It style of Facebook . With a bright yellow piece of paper conveniently located on my kitchen counter , I quickly scribbled down what I considered " Facebook - worthy " over the last forty - eight hours . Here are the results : July 5th , 4 p . m . : Karen Marie Berger was too slow to stop her four - year old from drinking paint brush rinse water . Then , said four - year old exclaimed , " Kool - Aid ! " and Karen let herself laugh instead of freaking out . July 5th , 11 p . m . : Karen Marie Berger swore to never again read suspense - filled fiction late into the night while her husband is working a graveyard . The only sheep she counted were the ones with machine guns and night - vision goggles . July 6th , 8 : 30 a . m . : Karen Marie Berger just did a shoddy job . Considering it was not facial plastic surgery , it might be okay . But if you want to come visit and inconspicuously slide your finger across her mantle , you 'll see her mediocre dusting job . July 6th , 11 a . m . : Karen Marie Berger loves MagnaTiles . Especially when they become car garages or horse barns and little ones use their imaginations . " Don 't kill me , I 'm an orphan , " says one horse to another . " I just ran over a ' cut ' and I need a new tire , " announces Lightning McQueen to his pit crew . . . July 7th , 6 p . m . : Karen Marie Berger just won the Bad Stewardship Award for Mothers when she threw away a perfectly good pair of Batman underwear , rather than try to wash the disgusting , foul surprise she found inside of them . At her grandparents house . Here 's to hoping the trash man comes to their house before they discover where I hid it , in a plastic bag underneath the empty strawberry container . July 7th , 9 p . m . : Karen Marie Berger just killed a s - s - s - scPosted by * * * Warning : very dry , boring post with few jokes , even about myself . Skip if you don 't care about what I teach my kids . Now that there are exactly three of you still reading . . . There is a very odd phenomenon , mostly spiritual I believe , that occurs when you say " Yes ! " to something out of your comfort zone . I find that even if my " yes " is a miserable , pouty one , God seems to take it and mold it until , before I know it , the thing I 've agreed to has become my desire , maybe even a passion . This has happened with school in our home . Like I said in the last post , homeschooling was not something I had ever planned on . Once it became clear that was where we were being lead , I was not at all enthusiastic , but I was willing to mutter " yes . " You know what always gets a woman enthusiastic ? Shopping . So , I got online and started hunting for the perfect curriculum . Before I knew it , I had mapped out an education for my first - grader that only required $ 5 , 000 and about 14 hours a day to complete it in a year 's time . I made myself say " No ! " to that insanity and went for the prepackaged " school in a box " that told me what to do and how to do it . This was great for that first year , for this rookie teacher . If you want to know more about the curriculum I chose ( Sonlight ) and exactly what we read ( or didn 't read ) for first grade , check out the list I included at the bottom of this blog post . Now , with one year of experience behind me , I am looking forward to kicking off the next school year . I 'm still a bit clueless and unsure of myself , but sure that we are again called to homeschool for the year . All this talk about it on the blog has actually got me excited all over again to color by number and write big letters on handwriting paper . We use a workbox system to organize all of our school stuff . You can see more on this from Jolanthe , the world 's most organized teacher in the world . In a very big nutshell , here 's what we are doing for second grade and preschool . Second Grade : Language Arts , Independent Reading , and Read - Alouds are all from SonPosted by I 'm wife to my best friend Real Gil and mom of three , writing about the spastic juggle of daily life in the midst of audacious , healing Rest . I used to wonder what true rest really was or where it was , but more and more , I am coming to understand that the Rest is not a what or where , but a Whom . Tucked in and savoring His warmth , I 'm glad you 've stopped by .
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I have thoughts that I want to write out , but sometimes , its hard to find the right words . I think the most important and the happiest are from last Friday . Last Friday , Josh and I were able to attend C 's wedding . It was the most amazing day and I will treasure it always . I 'm so happy for her and her new husband and hope they have an amazing life together . I 'm also grateful for the friendship C and I share . I think from an outsiders view , our friendship might seem strange , but I wouldn 't have it any other way . Seeing her again was AMAZING ! When we got there , we were able to meet the groom , but we didn 't say hi to the bride until after the ceremony . I thought we were both going to cry . I forgave her a long time ago for what happened , but to actually see her , to HUG her , . . . there are no words for the joy I felt at that moment . Which leads to my next train of thought . I 'm so glad she came into our lives . In its own strange way , I think we needed to go through that to lead us to where we are now . I can 't speak for any other infertile couple , but for us , I think we needed that painful experience so we could move on with our lives . I think if it had never happened , we would still be living with our lives on hold . I think most infertile couples need that painful moment ( be it miscarriage or adoption not working ) to help them choose a path for their family . I don 't think a couple " quits " because it was too hard and too painful . If they do choose to go on the childless path , I think that is because they have finally been able to close the door . For us , that is what we did . Its like I needed that so I could know I tried my best , but life had different plans . Plans which Josh and I love to the fullest . I will admit , I had a few days of daydreaming a while back . A situation came up , and the more I thought about it , the more I wanted to get excited . I was even having dreams of being a mom again . I kept it to myself for a few days before telling the hubs . But the second I told him , it all became real and I realized , that was noWhich leads to the next train of thought . ( Like I said , I 've had a lot lately . ) I 'm okay with our decision , but also at complete PEACE . There was a day when I didn 't think that would be possible . I see other couples and wonder if they made their " childless " decisions too soon . I wonder if they are trying to be ok with it , but deep down , they aren 't at peace with it , but rather its a decision they made grudgingly . Its like they understand this is their life now , but deep down , they wish it was different . Its hard for me to explain , especially since I really don 't know their whole situation , so maybe I shouldn 't even speculate . I just wish they could all find peace . Not just shrug their shoulders and pretend its all ok . I know there is a difference between mere acceptance and full peace . Another thought that kind ties into all of this , dear god , don 't ever let me suddenly have a miracle pregnancy . I was bored a few days back and decided to go check out a blog I used to follow several months back . Imagine my shock and surprise to learn she was pregnant . ( They have some adopted kiddos . ) My first thought was " Thank God that isn 't me ! " Then I switched over to happiness for her . I know we have the whole " no sperm " thing going on in our marriage , but I never miss a day of my period regulation pill ( other wise known as birth control ) . I take it to keep my body on a regular schedule , but when seeing her surprising news I decided to never miss that pill . ( Someday I want a hysterectomy , but that is another day , another post and probably a ways down the road . ) My dear friend H finalized the adoption of her kiddos a few months ago . But I swear , each time she posts a picture , I get all giddy again for her . I 'm so freakin ' happy for her ! Then I think of another dear friend K , and their recent heartbreak . Like I said , I 'm at peace with how are situation turned out . But when I think of K , I think where I was at that point in my grief . I find myself counting months again . In November , that little boy will have been gone for 6 months . Shortly after that , they will mourn his 1st birthday . Not to mention the upcoming holidays . They were to be the 1st of each joyous occasion . Now they will be the 1st almosts , the 1st reminders of what could have been . I remember how raw that pain was and my heart hurts for her and her husband . I wish there was a way to not feel that pain . But its all part of the grief process . Even though he " wasn 't " their child , well , fact is , he " was " their child . A person doesn 't get over a loss like that . You can 't take a little one into your home and not love them . Not when you love someone so much . Its like having your own child die . You can 't have more children and forget that one . Or even , just imaging loosing your spouse . Even if down the road you remarry , your heart never forgets or ever stops loving . Last thought , for now . I now get excited about baby showers . NEVER saw that coming ! A few weeks ago , I was among a group of friends and one of them had exciting news . I , for one , thought she handled it well . She seemed kinda quite when she said she had exciting news , like she didn 't want to hurt my feelings . Then when she told me they were expecting , she asked if I wanted to see ultra sound pics . I 'm still not sure what I 'm looking at when I look at those , but I eagerly agreed . EAGERLY ! Who am I ? ! But I am so excited for her . She doesn 't know what she is having yet , but I 'm working on a boy blanket , just in case . ( I already have a good supply of girl ones . ) I told her I expect an invite to the baby shower when it takes place . Seriously , sometimes I can NOT believe the turn around I see in myself . I didn 't do baby showers . I did not get excited about people expecting , until I had a good cry for myself . And even then , it was never Posted by Today , a friend shared a status on Facebook from a group called " The Infertily Voice . " Since I haven 't thought much about our infertility lately , I decided to respond to it . The question was , " How did you know when to stop trying ? " My answer can be summed up in a few words , but really , I think it deserves a well thought out response . The quick answer , we just knew . The long answer ? I think I could write an essay . First , for any new comers , or someone just stumbling onto this post , here is a quick history lesson . We were the proud , expectant parents of a precious baby girl for roughly 5 months . It was amazing . Then C met another couple and decided to go with them . After that , our profile stayed active for another 14 months . In May 2011 , we officially closed our profile . It had been active for 3 - 1 / 2 years . In that time , we only had on real contact from a birth mom . We had had a few others , but they were all scams . So how did we get to that point ? There was a few things that happened . When we started the process ( back in 2008 ) , we knew it could take months , even years . But we were ok with that . At one point , right at the beginning of the process , I remember Josh and I trying to decide how long to try . I said 5 years , he said 3 . But after getting approved , that conversation was pretty much forgotten . We bought a few things for the nursery . And waited . Bought a few more things . And waited . Went online with Parent Profiles . And waited . Had a new nephew born . And waited . And waited . When we met C , we thought our waiting had come to an end . C , I still think she is amazing . After being unchosen , we pretty much stopped contact with each other . We were mourning our own loss and within a few months , she too was mourning her loss ( which was by far greater then ours ) . But just over the last few months , we have become facebook buddies again . I 've realized just how much I 've missed her . I never stopped thinking about her . Was she ok ? Was she happy ? Had she found peace ? Was she getting enough contact with her adoptive family ? I never once stopped loving her . I don 't think being unchosen had anything to do with our decision . Going into adoption , we knew we could never be chosen . We knew if we were chosen , things could change . At first , I think we just became set in our ways . We started to realize just how free were were as a couple . We could go do what we wanted , when we wanted . We became comfortable with that lifestyle . I think we both realized we were ready to pull our file a few months before we actually did . But we weren 't sure how the other felt , so we didn 't dare say anything . What if I was ready to stop trying , but Josh still had his hopes set on being a daddy ? I think he had the same thought towards me . I think if one of us had voiced the decision to close our profile and the other hadn 't been ready , well , I 'm not sure , but I 'm sure it would have been very stressful on our marriage . Finally , after months of feeling ready to close our profile , I mentioned it to Josh . I was pleasantly surprised when he agreed . He told me that he had been feeling the same way for a long time , but didn 't want to crush any dreams I might still have of becoming a mother . Not once have we regretted that decision . Every now and then it will come up again . We 'll hesitantly ask the other if they are still ok with how things are . The other will agree that life is perfect the way it is . I try to not judge other couples decision . But sometimes I will admit wondering why they keep trying . I know couples who have been married longer then us and also have an active adoption profile older then ours , but they no results . Why do they keep trying ? I once tried to tell a friend , " maybe its time to accept your family as it is and move on with your life . " Immediately after I said that , I realized how incentive it was of me . Just because I had reached that point in my life doesn 't make it the right answer for someone else . Each family must reach this decision on their own . 1 ) I have finally been able to find joy beyond words as an aunt . That is something I struggled with for years . It took 4 nephews before I could love the with all my heart . Before then , it was too much of a competition . I just kept waiting for my turn to be a mom and that made each pregnancy announcement almost unbearable . 2 ) A while back , I was with a group of women . Getting pregnant and having your body change came up in the conversation . One girl was kind of insentient that she wasn 't sure she wanted to get pregnant because she didn 't want her body to go to pot . I thought she was being a little vain , but didn 't think beyond it that much . A few minutes later , one of the ladies said " You know T , someone here would die to have her body go to pot just for the chance to be a mom . " I felt about 6 inches tall . That someone is one of my best friends and I had forgotten that she just lost a baby . How could I ? ! I still feel horrid for how I reacted that day , but also , it made me realize the topic of babies and pregnancy can come up and I don 't feel even a tiny twinge of sadness . 3 ) Our marriage has always been pretty good . But since closing our profile , our marriage has flourished . We have taken full advantage of living a child free life . We come and go as we please , follow our whims where ever they take us and we LOVE it ! When I got married , I did not see my life taking this path . I always thought I would be a mom . For a while , I thought I would never be happy unless I was a mom . But life has shown me differently and now , I wouldn 't have it any other way . Posted by Our " almost " birth mom has been on my mind a lot . Tomorrow she graduates from high school . I keep thinking how usually when someone graduates you assume things like , " Now they are grown up " or " Welcome to the real world . " But those just don 't see to apply to C . She grew up two years ago . When we met her , she was 16 . Even then I was impressed with how mature she was . How caring she was . How much she loved her unborn child . So much so , that she made the ultimate sacrifice . Not many 16 year olds could do that . I 'm not going to make comparisons , but I am sometimes in awe that I have a brother only a year younger then her , yet he acts no where near as grown up as her . I can 't imagine how many nights she has cried . How many times she has wondered if she has anything left to live for . I just can 't comprehend that pain . I look at the birth mom 's I 've come to know and each one of them amazes me . Sometimes I want to tell them , " you don 't have to keep on the happy face and pretend that all is right with the world . I 'm sorry people don 't notice you like they should . " I hate how people assume they are sluts with horrid lifestyles , because that is just the opposite . They are loving people , more so then others because they choose to put their babies futures before their happiness . Over the last few months , I 've learned just how quickly people like to judge others . Point out their faults and tell them how they are not a good person . Its been very eye opening . So many people assume if you aren 't just like them , you aren 't as good as them . I think people do this simply because , they are trying to hide their faults . Get everybody to look away from them . Cause let 's face it , we 're all human and not a single one of us is perfect . Dear C , I wish you all the happiness in the world , but also the strength you need for the times when life is low . When things are tough , I wish for you to be able to find peace . I don 't need to wish you luck in the " real " world cause you 've already grown up . I wish that someday you will be so blessed that yoPosted by My very dear friend lost her foster baby today . After raising him and loving him for five months , he is gone . This post is not about what may or may not be best for the baby . This is about how life sucks for her . I keep trying to think of the perfect words to take her pain away . But I know they don 't exist . I think her pain is worse then ours when were unchosen , because she got to hold this baby . Feed him . Rock him to sleep . He was her life for the last 5 months and now she has to go back to being , well , not the mommy . And that sucks . I keep thinking back to my pain thinking , " What took it away from us ? What made it better ? ' Don 't look for the time when it gets better cause you can 't see that from here . I think the thing I hated most was the sun coming up the next morning . I thought the world should stop for my pain , but it didn 't . Do what you can to survive and let healing come at the pace you let it . When others ignore your pain , try to not take is personally ; sometimes they don 't know what to say so instead they say nothing at all . 1 . One of the kids I used to babysit when I was young just had a baby . A few years ago , it probably would 've made me cry . But instead , I just feel old . 2 . Cramps are a * itch . Seriously . Why should I have to go through this every month since the main baby part doesn 't work . Couldn 't it all just " not work ? " Right now I 'm trying to remember why I take birth control so I can have a period every single month . Oh ya , back in November / December , my period lasted for 6 weeks . No cramps , but everything else . Not . Fun . At . All . 3 . Yesterday I was browsing the Internet . You know how MSN and Yahoo , on the homepage , they give blimps of articles and news ? I was looking at the MSN ones and saw one about infertility . I was kind of excited because I hoped it would help educate the world . I decided to click on it and see what they had to say . Deep down , my infertility still bothers me . Five minutes later I was in the bathroom trying to get a hold of myself and stop the tears that were threatening . Reading that article , which was well written , brought back a lot of emotions and painful memories . It was not fun to relive it . I guess infertility is something I will never completely get over . I was in a funk the rest of the day . 4 . On the flip side , I 've had a few friends finalize , or will soon finalize , and I 'm so excited for them . Its nice to be at a point where I 'm just happy for someone , without a side of jealous . 5 . Love those nephews of mine . Can you say spoiled ? On Saturday , I was in the city and I told myself I didn 't need to buy them shirts , I already gave them stuff for Easter . So instead , I bought a box of bath toys . Yep , spoiled . 6 . I got to watch Vanessa 's boys for a few hours and loved every second of it . I hope to make that a regular thing . She has been so wonderful to let me be such a huge part of their lives . Valex is always excited to see me . I wish they could stay little forever . Posted by May 19 , 2009 - Our CW called to ask if he could show our profile to a birth mom . Of course we said yes . Please pray for us and for her . * Update - we 've never heard back from her . . . July 2009 - Took a jump off the cliff and inquired about a sibling group in a neighboring state . They told us they would get ahold of us in about 30 days . At the end of the month I noticed they aren 't on the website anymore , so they must have found a family . September 2009 - I 'm getting more proactive , I called a hospital in Wyoming and asked if I could send our profile . They seemed excited . I would love if our baby came from Wyoming ! Our profile has never even had a hit from Wyoming .
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Today , Graham is eight . He is the age I was when my youngest brother was born . It 's been three years since I first wrote about my first and oh so special child . At that time , I felt just the slightest bit bewildered by him . Crazy overflowing amounts of love with just the stirrings of fear about what the future might bring . By the time I wrote my second post , a subtle impatience was starting to take up residence in my psyche . I have written other posts to celebrate his successes and some to celebrate his birthdays . You see him often in my Slice of Life posts . But I haven 't written much lately about how is doing and how I am doing with him . This is a hard post to write , as all of them have been . How do you talk about your child ? How do you begin to explain someone who you think is so incredibly wonderful but who can be a never - ending source of frustration ? I had a complete breakdown moment soon after we arrived in France in June , for our month long vacation . Randy and I had just made the difficult decision to move to the Bay Area after years in Seattle . I had gone through all the pros and cons in my mind ad nauseum . In spite of leaving family , an incredible network of friends , my career , and a wonderful elementary school , we decided our family was ready for a new adventure . The breakdown came when I circled back to thinking about Graham . All of our wonderful friends who have children around his age have known him since he was a baby . Graham is just Graham . His quirks are just a small part of who he is . Children who have always known him can appreciate that he is a sincere and loving child who wants nothing more than to play and laugh and eat snacks . He is a little different and that fact does not seem to phase those who have always known him . What about a completely new network of people ? How do I explain my child to families ? Should I have to ? Graham is in second grade . He has an undefined developmental delay . He is not on the autism spectrum . He has an IEP ( individualized education plan ) which allows him to get help in the areas where he needs it , but he is in a regular classroom . His delay affects his speech and cognition and because those two things are integral in interacting socially , he is delayed in that area too . He is shockingly good at math and puzzles and things requiring spatial awareness . His short term memory is terrible , his long term memory is scary good . ( He won 't remember where he put his pencil , but will remember an event that happened years ago just from a glance down a street . I operate this way too . ) Graham continues to be a very even keel child . He almost never gets upset and almost always goes with the flow . This is surprising considering he doesn 't always understand exactly what is going on . He is very well behaved in his classroom and at home . He loves people and will strike up a conversation with just about anybody . Adults and older children are utterly charmed by him but kids his age - not so much . I used to wonder at what age kids would start to notice that there was something different about Graham and it turns out that second grade is the age . He has been teased . The kids nudge each other and ask , " What did he say ? " Some of them have hidden his lunch box from him and , according to Graham , they make fun of his clothes and his skin . ( He dresses well because I still pick out his clothes for him and he has dark skin . I wasn 't aware that those were things that were tease - able offenses . ) I have talked to many friends about what is going on and most of them are horrified . Most schools have a strict no - bullying policy and I 'm sure ours is no different . I know that kids are cruel . I see most of the girls in his class completely ignoring him while they are catty behind each others ' backs and I thank the universe , for the umpteenth time , that Graham is not a girl . ( Disclaimer : we know some amazing empathetic and kind girls who are absolutely lovely with Graham . ) And where am I in all of this ? I am heartbroken for him . The fact that anyone would make fun of such a sweet soul makes me want to scream . I am grateful that he still doesn 't know that anything is different about him and that he misses most of the eye rolling and nudging . I am thankful that ( still ! ) every time a new adult helper comes into his orbit , the first thing they tell me is how delightful he is . Graham handled a huge transition - a move to a new state , new house , and new school - with a smile on his face and adventure in his heart . Our next steps are to involve the principal and his teacher as much as possible . Our hope is that getting some awareness about kids who are a little different at this still young age might nip some of the teasing in the bud . We also plan to enroll Graham in some social therapy . The idea is that there is truly a social language that most children learn naturally . I see this with Spencer . The way he interacts with his peers is not something I or Randy have taught him - he just picked it up . Graham tries , he is so motivated to make friends , but his language delay sometimes makes it difficult . So we will get him in a supervised play group where he will learn about how to be a good friend , how to appropriately interact with kids , and how to walk away from people who are being unkind . That is the hope at least . Whenever I write these posts about Graham , I get the most amazing and kindest comments and emails back . Many of them applaud me for being a good mother . Most days I feel like I am . Some days I know I am not . Graham tests my patience at some point everyday and sometimes all day . I know we all get inpatient with our children and some of us yell . When I get angry at Spencer , I rarely feel bad afterward . He has done something he is not supposed to , he knows it , he does it anyway , and I get mad . We talk about it afterward and we move on . With Graham , the things that drive me to distraction about him are usually things he cannot help . He doesn 't deliberately forget to bring home his jacket or the name of someone he has known since he was born - there is a section in his IEP about his memory . It is truly impaired . He doesn 't intentionally not listen to me , he only catches about three - quarters of what I say , if that . He can 't help it if he just can 't grasp the concept of days getting darker , or geography , or many of the other things children his age just seem to get . What makes me feel terrible about myself ( at times ) is that I believe that Graham tries his best at everything every day . How many children can you say that about ? He is a first born , rule following , approval seeking , sweet - to - the - core kid . Why do I feel embarrassed by him sometimes ? Why do I occasionally wish it was different in our house ? How can I hold him in my arms , almost unable to bear the sweetness , and then be driven to distraction by him not five minutes later ? Is it him that I wish was different , or myself ? I read something recently that said if we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else 's , we would grab ours back . As much as I look to parents of typically developing children and envy them at times , I know that they have their own struggles , struggles I would not want . And there are , of course , people who have it much worse than we do and those who have it unspeakably bad and when I think about those folks , I want to simultaneously squeeze Graham and hang my head in shame . In all of this , I have to say a word about my amazing husband . My Naval Academy educated , former Navy pilot , Harvard MBA , brilliant and athletically gifted husband . If you had told me that we were going to have a child who had some undefined issues that would make school and team sports difficult for him , I might told you that Randy would would really struggle with that . He takes great pride in his intelligence , his fearlessness , his drive , and his successes - as well he should . I hope he also takes great pride in what a kind and loving father he is . The man who tells you he has no patience is the one sitting with Graham helping him sound out his reading words over and over again . He is the man taking him to Cub Scouts and soccer , helping him learn to ski , and is the first one to say that he doesn 't care if Graham goes to college at all as long as he is happy and healthy . And out of the house by age 18 . This is a serious post . So allow me to tell a funny story . When Graham was in kindergarten , he was in the bathroom peeing and a mean boy pushed him . This terrified Graham and ever since , he has sat down to pee . ( This is not the funny part . ) It 's not something we care about except when we are out and public toilets are sketchy , we are at a park and the restrooms are closed for the winter , or when we contemplate future camping trips with the Cub Scouts . Randy and I have tried cajoling him , patiently sitting with him in the bathroom , bribing him , threatening him ( I 'm not proud ) , all to no avail . Last week , Spencer wondered what would happen if we paid Graham a quarter each time he stood up and peed , with the promise of a toy when he reached eight times . Wouldn 't you know it - he has stood up ever since . Happy birthday my sweet eight year old boy . I think this is why I haven 't written that much about our big move . A bit perhaps but not a lot of what I am thinking / feeling / obsessing about . I 'm not sure that reading about my excitement , fears and sadness would be all that interesting . This is a food blog after all . If you visit here regularly , chances are that you are looking for healthy vegetarian food or decadent treats . Or perhaps you like reading a bit about my life . Moving is a personal thing but not in the same way that having a challenging child is personal . Moving is kind of boring to talk about or read about . It is even boring to think about , so I haven 't shared much . But the move is imminent and here is the deal . I think I have readied myself for the big things . I 've been saying goodbye to my favorite places and my favorite people for weeks now . I feel like I have been blowing kisses to Seattle for months now . I said goodbye to my parents on Thursday and my brothers , sister - in - law and niece and nephew on Sunday . I 've been going through our house room by room , getting rid of all the things that we no longer need or will not have room for in our new , and smaller , house . Randy and I have signed paperwork to buy and sell houses and we have gotten our kids into school in Oakland . We have mapped out our route to drive south and secured temporary housing while we wait for our new house to close . This move has been pending since June and I feel ready . Except that Monday night I went to tuck both boys into bed and I realized , just as I was wrapping my body around Spencer 's , that it was his last night in his room . This room that also happens to be the one to which that we brought him home from the hospital . The only room that has ever really been his . Where there once was a crib and a tiny bundle swaddled tight , there is now a big boy bed with Spiderman sheets ( although he prefers Batman ) and a big boy who got tears in his eyes that he tried to hide from me when I told him it was his last night here . I said , " Spencer , moving is one of the hardest things that people do . " To which he asked , " Harder than fishing ? " I cannot tell you how welcome that smile felt on my lips , so close was I to really losing it . It started to become clear to me in that moment and more so later on when I went in to gaze at both of them as they slept , that it is not just my family , my friends , my house , my career , and our beloved school that I am saying goodbye to . I am also saying goodbye to my past . I have deep roots in Seattle , having moved here when I was five years old and lived here almost ever since . I have memories in just about every corner of this city . I bump into people I know all the time , from all walks of my life . I 'm saying goodbye to that past but also the more immediate one . The one where I fell in love with Randy or was newly married or my children were babies . That past is more tangible and it is hard enough for me to say goodbye to that I held onto tiny diapers in Spencer 's room , although he weighs nearly 50 pounds and hasn 't worn a diaper in almost three years . I am writing this post late at night . There have been many many nights that I have sat up late writing and writing , the only time I can find in my day to get my thoughts and my recipes onto the blog . I finish , shut everything down , turn off all the lights , and make my familiar way up to the boys ' rooms to make sure their blankets are covering their ever - growing bodies , and on into my room and off to bed . The next day holds certainty . Boys I will wrangle , people I will see , errands I will do , food I will cook , exercise I will endure . Now we shift . Uncertainty for the next bit . Until a time , hopefully not in the too distant future , that we will settle into new routines , a new life . We will take three days to drive south . We will spend the morning of our tenth anniversary river rafting on the Rogue River and then sleep at a motel in Chico , California . We hope to move into our house in the first week of September . I am not sure when I will be back in real time , connected once again to this blog , but I have some posts planned in the interim . I know this year has been the Year Of Blogging Hiatus . I promise I will be back soon . Hello Friends . I have missed writing my slice of life posts . I have missed sharing the silly little photos ( and some not so silly ) that represent my week . I thought about just picking up where I left off , ignoring , for the moment , that I just spent a month in France . But last week consisted of a 10 ½ hour flight back from Paris , jet lag , coming back to a house that I dearly love and that now seems palatial , and going through this house , room by room , purging us of excess stuff that we have accumulated in 5 ½ years . And then an impromptu trip to Lopez Island . It has already been a week of relief ( so nice to be home ) , sadness ( how can we leave this city and that island ? ) , and being overwhelmed ( will we find a house in Oakland ? are we doing the right thing ? will the moving part of the move ever be over ? ) . In other words , not a week to share in photos . So , I 'll share my month is France instead . To make it a little simpler for myself , these are all photos I took with my phone . If you follow me on Instagram ( I 'm @ danatreat ) , you might have already seen some of these . In case you didn 't read this post , we stayed three weeks in a lovely town called Cagnes - sur - Mer . We found our place using VRBO . It 's the one with the red flowers . Cagnes - sur - Mer really consists of three parts and we lived in Haut de Cagnes , or high up on the hill . There were four or five restaurants up there with a beautiful courtyard and a boule court over to one side . The view was spectacular . We tried a Vietnamese place ( fair ) and ate several times at a pizza place ( good ) . The boys could come sit for a few bites and then run around . It was ideal . Our days on the Côte d ' Azur went one of two ways . We either did a beach day in our town or we piled into the car for an adventure . Either way , each morning the boys and I would walk down our steep hill to one of the two bakeries we liked best . ( There were at least five others in our little town . ) I would buy the days ' first baguette and they would get a treat . Sometimes we would walk back up the hill and sometimes we would wait for the little bus to take us back up . Beach days included slathering on lots of sunscreen and then loading up our bag for the half hour walk to the beach . It was HOT , especially the second two of the three weeks we were there . But the breeze at the beach was lovely and the temperature of the water was perfect . The boys would spend hours looking for sea glass , playing games with rocks and sticks , and playing in the waves . The snack shack at my childhood neighborhood pool had things like Fudgesicles and bad frozen pizza . This guy had crèpes , delicious paninis , freshly made salads , and amazing granitas . When they were going to get their " drink " became a point of obsession on beach days . If it was an adventure day , we walked down to the town parking lot and loaded up in our rental Peugot . We always brought Veronique - the France friendly GPS sister to our American Veronica in our car at home . Veronique made driving and finding our way around about as un - stressful as driving around an unfamiliar , and very crowded , region can be . We would pick a place we wanted to visit and let her guide us there . Mountain towns , beach towns , large cities , small villages - we saw a lot . Probably my favorite thing we did was drive to St . Raphaël and then catch a ferry to St . Tropez . St . Tropez is on a peninsula so it is difficult to access by car . We knew it would be ritzy and it was but it was also small and charming and very beautiful . It was over 100ºF that day but ducking in and out of gorgeous ( and blissfully air conditioned ) shops made it bearable . As did ice cream . We went to so many sweet towns . This one was on our way to Cap Ferrat - Villefranche sur Mer . We ate over - priced pizza and just stared at the view . We saw a lot of art on our trip . Matisse is prevalent throughout small towns along the Côte d ' Azur and there is a particularly lovely museum in Nice . There was a Renoir museum in our town and we loved the Chagall mueseum , also in Nice . I had a poster of this painting on my wall throughout college , so seeing it in person was a real treat . The boys were relatively patient on our adventures . Not that there wasn 't complaining . We had to keep reminding ourselves that they are 7 and 5 years old and wandering through mountain towns in search of table linens is not really what they wanted to be doing . So in addition to the beach days , we did two days at water parks - Aqualand and Aquasplash . If you ask the boys , this was their favorite thing we did in France . I just have to include this photo of Spencer . This was our view of him for much of this vacation . Long board shorts and just a peek of butt crack . No matter how many times we pulled up his bathing suit , this was how it looked . We ate felafel . For an hour after lunch , Graham kept exclaiming , " That was SO GOOD ! " I was a proud mama . Even Spencer said , " I tried that brown thing and it tasted good . " On Monday , June 11th , our little family woke up at the usual time . We ate breakfast and finished putting toothbrushes , stuffed animals , medications , snacks , and all manner of necessary things in our suitcases and backpacks . A lovely friend who is staying in our house while we are gone , came to get keys , information about garbage and mail , and where to get coffee and all manner of Tangletown things ( that is the name of our neighborhood ) . And then , before we could really wrap our brains around it , we were off the airport for the long day and night of travel to France . I realize that loving food and loving France is kind of cliche . There are a lot of Francophiles in the world . But France has been an important part of my life for much of my life , so I 'd like to talk about France and what it has meant to me in my almost 42 years . I went for the first time when I was just under a year old . My parents tell the story of packing a full suitcase full of Pampers , because they were unavailable in Europe in 1971 , and also of me making lots of noise in museums and eating tons of French fries . They went on to take me to numerous other countries over the course of a 3 week trip when you really could do Europe on $ 10 / day , and I remember none of it . My next visit was when I was a junior in college and spent a semester in Paris . I decided that , in order to make the most of my 5 months and to learn the most Franch possible , I should live with a French person . My college teamed me up with a woman doctor who , for reasons unknown to me , was so depressed that she never left the apartment , had a dog named Ginger who would shit in the hallways , and who would give one sole dinner party the whole time I was there , telling me I had to stay in my room while the guests were there , and then would leave every single dish and platter in the kitchen for weeks so that , when I came in from class , I would have to cover my face with my shirt so the stench of rotting food wouldn 't make me sick . It is a true testament to the wonders of Paris , its beauty and the amazing food , that I left after that semester vowing to someday return . Somehow , it took another 12 years for the next visit to France . Randy and I did a quick two nights in Paris on the tail end of our honeymoon in Spain . I was coming off some terrible bug that made me grateful that you can buy antibiotics over the counter in Europe . We made our way to a horrible hotel in the Latin quarter and ate the foil pouch of peanuts available in our room for dinner . That was about all my stomach could handle . But the next day , while Randy went to a business meeting , I walked the streets and eventually found myself in a brasserie , trying out my once quite - good but now - rusty French , and ordering a sandwich that had thin slices of hard - boiled egg , mayonnaise , tomato , and lettuce , on the perfect half of a baguette . I could not believe how good it tasted . Soon after we were married , Randy and I moved to London for a year , and I went to France no fewer than 4 times that year . The last time was as we were getting ready to move back to the States . We flew to Paris , rented a car , and took our time driving down to Provence , with stops in the Loire Valley , Lyon , and my beloved and still - as - magnificent - as - I - remembered Gorge du Tarn , before meeting up with friends at a villa on a hillside covered with lavender . I was 22 weeks pregnant with Graham . I had felt his first kick sitting and waiting for our luggage in the Charles de Gaul airport . I brought a maternity bathing suit which I used daily at the pool onsite , and one cookbook , Patricia Wells ' The Provence Cookbook , and from that lovely book , I made dinners for a group of 8 every night . We all took the train back to Paris after our magical week and the group watched Llance Armstrong win his 6th Tour de France at the Arc de Triomphe on , or maybe the day before , my birthday . Randy went with me to an art gallery on the Ile St . Louis where my mom and I had seen some amazing paintings on a trip to Paris earlier than spring and , without me knowing about it , he bought me a painting and had it shipped home . It is my favorite painting in our house , to date . And here I am again . 3 weeks in Cagnes - sur - Mer . A small town between Cannes and Nice . Small enough that it is easy to find our way around , large enough that almost everything we need is here in our town . Including a beach . We have been here a little over a week and have already done day trips to Nice and Antibes , the hill towns of Vence and Grasse , as well as a day at the water park known as Aqualand , in addition to plenty of time spent at our town 's somewhat rocky but still totally acceptable , beach . We visited the small chapel that Matisse was commissioned to create the murals and stained glass for - a chapel I remember studying for my term paper on Matisee in senior year art history , and when my little family and I walked inside , I immediately started to cry . Seeing such works of beauty in person , when you never thought you would actually see them , can be very overwhelming . The Cote d ' Azur is warm . Hot even . Our little place is sweet and , um , little . We are almost at the top of a hill of such epic proportions that we usually opt into taking the free shuttle ( the Navette ) to it each day . I have been cooking dinner almost every night . It 's not so much that I am inspired by the produce , which - truly - I am not , but that it is relaxing for us to be at home and not trying to figure out whether the boys should eat pizza or pasta for the umpteenth time . At home , we vegetarians can make sure we are getting nourished . It 's not that bad for me - I am happy with salads , but my kids , especially Spencer , are having a harder time . My little kitchen has two burners and I am putting them to work , mostly making simple , but delicious , things . Polenta with cream and Comte cheese stirred into it and topped with homemade ratatouille , omelettes with sautéed mushrooms and radicchio , lots of salad , curried couscous with Le Puy lentils and chickpeas , tagliatelle with goat cheese , oil cured olives , and basil . Nothing fancy but all delicious , made even more so by the fact that we are depleted by the sun and by all the beauty we are seeing each day . We still hope to see St . Tropez and Monaco . We need to check out the chateau at the top of our extremely steep hill because the town 's Renoir exhibit is temporarily housed there . We might get on a train for a day trip . We might not . We might go to a relatively nearby town in Italy for the Saturday market . We might not . We are going to eat a lot more pizza and a LOT more bread . Spencer has decided that he likes goat cheese and pizza with olives on it and that is more than I could have hoped for him . Graham ate most of a cheese crepe without being too sure about it and I am proud of him for that . They have already been on a 100 year old carousel and , if you asked them , them are hoping for more beach time , more carousels , and more ice cream . Randy and I have had time to process all that awaits us when we return home . I have already freaked out a couple of times . Being far from home can sometimes make me crave home - stability and things that are known instead of unknown . We will return to Seattle and a brief lull of calm before jumping into a full blown move and throwing our comfortable worlds into chaos . There has been some second guessing , some tears , and finally , the very real thought that this move is the best thing for us at this time . How do you reconcile feelings of caution ? When do you say ok , I am just feeling anxious about this big change and when do you say , this is too much for me ? That question is what kept me awake for the first 5 nights we were here . Ultimately , I am choosing to move beyond the doubt and celebrate the positive . A friend asked us , as we were trying to make the decision about whether or not to move to San Francisco , if we would regret it someday if we did NOT move . I have come back to that question time and time again . When we were trying to decide whether or not to move to London , I was having a hard time with that decision . Now , looking back 9 years later , there has never been a moment when I have thought , " Wow , we should never have moved to London . " I get it - this is different , kids and schools and jobs and buying and selling homes and 3 + years vs . 1 year makes it all different . But I can 't help but think that if we don 't go , we will both regret it . We have another week and a half in Cagnes - sur - Mer and then we head to the Nice airport and fly to Paris . We will have six nights there . I hope to do another Cote d ' Azur post before we leave . I am having a heck of a time uploading photos so I 'm sorry there aren 't more in this post . If you are on Instagram , I am @ danatreat and I post photos each day . A bientot ! Yesterday , February 2nd , my baby turned five . If you have a baby , five probably doesn 't sound like a baby , but he will always be my baby . Five is a big birthday . Five is the year children start kindergarten . Five is officially the end of toddler - dom . Five is a kid . I could say a million other things but it all boils down to the fact that I can 't believe my baby is five . Five years ago , we took Graham , then aged 26 months , to a friend 's house so we could go the hospital and have a baby . I sobbed with guilt in the car on the way . Spencer was a planned for and wanted baby , but I felt almost that I was betraying my beloved first born by bringing another child into our little family . I had no idea , of course , that Spencer would complete our family and that he would become an amazing playmate for Graham . So my ( not so ) little baby , who are you at five ? You are an incredibly independently minded person who can carry on a full and engaging conversation . You still , however , need help buttoning your pants . You have just started to write your name with the " p " backwards and the letters very large . You are s - m - a - r - t . So bright and interested in everything . You ask me what a word means and I see it just sucked right up into your brain . You have a temper and hate to be embarrassed . You love school and ask me every day if it is your show and share day . You still want to do everything the same way Graham does - you idolize him . You also squabble with him . A lot . Your hair can really no longer be called blond but I hold out hope that it will lighten again in the summer . You are still a big guy - people rarely guess your age correctly . Your cheeks , arms , and legs are still squishy . Your belly is just big enough that it kind of pushes down your pants so you have a perpetual plumber 's crack going . It may be time for a belt . You still allow me to pick out your clothes each morning but if left to your own devices , you would wear " cozy " pants every day . Your voice is still raspy and high , surprising for such a big boy . And adorable . You still like vehicles but no longer carry one in each hand everywhere . You really like tape and making little projects out of paper and various things you find . You call it " artzuka " from one of the shows you watch . You are obsessed with Batman and love this shirt that comes with a " cake " ( that would be a cape ) . You do not , however , want to put the Batman sheets that Santa brought on your bed because they are too scary . You continue to be a much pickier eater than your brother - carrots and celery are the only vegetables you will touch . You are a big snacker and love yogurt . Treats are a big part of your life and your current favorite is " mommy 's homemade ice cream " . At night you like me to lie next to you and rub your back . My own father used to do this for me - I know how lovely it feels . All animals are banished from your bed but they do sit on a chair nearby . We talk about what the next day brings . Some nights , when you are very very tired , your eyes will flutter closed while I lie next to you . I remember lying in my bed with you during your colicky months , trying to nap along side you , completely exhausted from caring for a baby who cried from 5pm to midnight non - stop every day . You were tiny , of course , and I would pat your back , silently begging you to sleep . Your eyes would flutter in that same way and I would hold my breath , willing them to stay closed . Now you almost never cry ( and when you do , it 's a big production ) , and sleep comes easily to you . I almost want your eyes to flutter back open so you will say goodnight to me one more time . I 've been keeping track of some of the cuter things you say . You were telling me about the Zamboni at the ice rink and you called it a " tromboni " . We broke through a spider web and you said , " Looks like we need a web repair " . Melted frozen yogurt looked like " a yogurt swimming pool " . People don 't litter , they " glitter " as in " that man is glittering " . Stupendous is " dependous " . You think driving school has little mini cars and pretend stop lights . I was roasting beets one day and when they came out of the oven you asked , " Are those sharks ? " " Sometimes , when I have a headache , I pretend to pull my head off . " And my favorite - one day we were about to pull into an intersection after our light turned green . A guy came through , completely running his red light . I cried out and you asked me why . " Because that guys was going really fast and he went through a red light - that is not safe ! " To which you said , " Well , maybe he had some ice cream in the back of his car and it was melting . " I have written so many posts about Graham , one might wonder why there is so little of you here on my blog . The truth is that my love for you is so uncomplicated . There is that age old saying that you love your children the same , just differently . I love you the same amount as Graham but with less frustration , less guilt , more ease , and more humor . Every year brings new wonders in being your mother .
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As always , welcome back to the blog . I am always so happy to have you stop by . Today , I have a special treat for you all … a short visit by the author of Roane Publishing 's latest release , Sheryl Winters . Fhina , upon waking the day after their mating , no longer recognizes her mate . Pregnant and confused , she 's convinced herself her mate has run away and left her to live alone . With his dog . Sheryl : I am currently writing a short story about Fhina 's cousin , Tessa . While I can 't comment on the plot , I can tell you the earrings Fhina kitty - napped will come back to haunt her . This time it will affect not only Fhina , but Tessa and her bakery as well . Hmm - will my husband be reading this ? Let 's put it this way . It wasn 't good . It was awkward , he bit me , and I was left trying to figure out if I 'd been kissed or mauled . Well , this is embarrassing 😉 My first kiss was like first kisses usually are . Quick , awkward and bewildering , because neither of us quite knew what we were doing . I still felt so wonderful after , and roamed around in a proud daze the whole day ! I 'd had a crush on a boy for years . My best friend liked him and asked me to convey that information to him , which I gleefully did . He had no interest in her and my friendship with her ended for other reasons , but he and I became friends . Through him , I got to know his best friend - a cocky , good - looking soccer player who had a way with the girls . I realized he was dumb as a box of rocks , but he was cute . One afternoon , after school , when no parents were around , he kissed me . It never really led to a relationship , though we had an off and on thing that went on for years . The details of my first kiss are boring . Instead , I will tell you about my almost - first kiss . In my early teen years , I was pretty lame ; A scrawny thirteen year old who happened to hang out with kids that were reasonably well liked . We were an eclectic group of popular and not - so - popular eighth graders who forged some kind of strange connection in the horribly mixed up hormonal world of middle school . The cutest guy in school , Joe , happened to be part of our group . Blond , tan , surfer guy with a brilliant smile and charm to boot . Not my type , but undeniably good looking . One day we were goofing off in the cafeteria , and as he lounged across a bench I leaned over him to ask a question . His response was not an answer me , but to look directly in my eyes and whisper , " I could have kissed you just then . " I giggled and pulled away , unsure of how the geeky , skinny girl is supposed to respond when a guy of his social standing says such a thing . Four years later , after being separated by different high schools and a variety of young love affairs , we reunited , and you can bet I didn 't make that mistake a second time * wink * ! Love it ! Blurb : Stella 's got everything she needs in life : a great job , a beautiful house , and her independence . But on last minute trip to the local Christmas tree lot she finds something , or rather someone , she desperately wants - Grayson . An emergency trip to Target , an unexpected wreath , and a little Christmas magic make the season much brighter . Blurb : Disillusioned by men and her belief that they see her only as an object , Bebe is determined to find a man with money . Her geeky , but unfailingly kind , next - door neighbor James tries to convince her of the possibility of real love , even as she reveals to him the troubled childhood that made her so cynical about relationships . When her mother dashes her hopes for a perfect Christmas , Bebe finds herself turning to James once again , and in the process , learning a lot about herself and the promise their relationship holds . Being snowed in with her husband is not necessarily a bad thing . It gives Naina an excellent excuse to snuggle up to her deep , quiet man , but every time Dev spurns her , a little more of her heart drips away . Melting the ice around her husband 's heart before the snow outside does might take more pride than Naina 's ready to surrender . Stranded in the bitter cold after a disastrous blind date with yet another company Christmas party looming , a standing offer from the boss ' nephew gets a little more appealing . Desperation . Not a good sign . Surely when Rebecca rescues her from the blinding snow , she can also convince Angela to just go to the party alone . She can always count on her best friend . Blurb : When Wayne Edwards moves to town , Lillian Douglas experiences stirrings she thought were long dead . Guilt ridden over betraying her deceased husband and the feelings Wayne inspires , Lillian reluctantly lets him in . Secrets of the past - an old promise emerges , but will it threaten their forever ? But , today we are all about the new series , and based on the ARC I finished a few weeks ago , you are all if for another treat . If you liked Lila , wait till you meet Lou . * grins * Anyway , for my stop on the tour , Ms . Adams and I wanted to do something a little different . Something fun . So I came up with a question for my author friend , that I thought fit nicely into the Urban Fantasy theme . I got to thinking about the stories I 've read of Jocelyn 's and her process for writing them . I considered the imagination and creativity woven into every paragraph and came up with this question for our guest author . ( Which she was kind enough to answer , of course : P ) As a fantasy author , you write a lot of stories about characters with " special gifts " or unique talents . If you were given a choice , what special gift or talent would you like to have in real life ? Why ? Jocelyn 's answer : Oh my , so much to choose from . As I 've been sitting here , pondering this , I keep coming back to one of my favorite cartoons / movies / comics , the X - Men . It would be a total toss - up between Wolverine and Mystique . Or , like Mystique , I could change myself into anybody at will . Wouldn 't that be neat ? Go out as somebody famous or sneak into a bank as the manager and withdraw a few mil . Not that I 'd do that , of course , just saying . Hmm , choices , choices . Why not both ? * * * * * That would be one kick ass mutant . * grins * I LOVED X - Men , and Wolverine is among my list of favorites . Though , I have a soft spot for Gambit , personally . Lou , the last of the jinn , survives by hiding her abilities after the rest of the elementals fell victim to genocide . As a preternatural pest exterminator and self - proclaimed guardian of the innocent , she 's accustomed to trudging through the dregs of society . Hunting down a pesky murderer should be easy , especially with help from the dashing and mischievous local media darling . I am over the moon to be able to be part of the Blog Tour to announce the release of Stella Berkley 's latest release , I 'll Be Damned . The cover is smokin ' and since I got to beta read some of the stories in this one , I know the stories are too . I 'm a huge fan of Ms . Berkley 's writing . " You 're not going to Lu 's titty bar , by any chance , are you ? " I shouted down to him while suppressing a snicker . " Gabriella 's going to be pissed . " Micah stopped and turned striking blue eyes up at me , cutting across the winter twilight like beacons . " I - how did - it 's none of your concern , Qenna . " He rolled his head until his neck cracked . " What are you doing down here ? Gabriella told you to remain in the upper realm tonight since she 's with Him and Lucifer and can 't keep you out of trouble . " No wonder she was so crabby earlier . She totally wanted to bone Lu - it was written all over her every time someone mentioned his name . I quirked up an eyebrow and shrugged . " If you won 't answer me , why the hell should I answer you ? " I snorted and leaned forward , my long , white hair tumbling over the edge of the monument in spirals . " And you 're one to talk . She told you to stay put , too . " His eyes darkened before tilting his head forward , obscured once again by the brim of his hat . He gave a disgruntled huff . " Just do us all a favor and keep out of trouble , though saying that to you is like telling a kitten to stay away from a dangling scrap of yarn . " Micah continued in the direction he 'd been going . " Lucifer isn 't around to watch his kind tonight , so you 're on your own . " Stella : Total , total , tooooootal pantser . Plotting and I don 't get along , no patience for it . Plotting takes patience and forethought and research . Nope , I step onto the path at chapter 1 and take off at a sprint , usually having no idea where I 'm going until I type THE END . There 's no better thrill than finishing a book and re - reading it , and it 's all new to me , like reading something someone else wrote . It sounds weird , but I often zen out that much . Stella : My two big ones are from opposite genres , but they have the same talent . Characters . Stephen King and Karen Marie Moning create the most amazing people in their stories , so real I actually miss them when I close the book . I still think about KMM 's character Jericoh Barrons . If I ever create a character half as intriguing , I 'll be over the moon . Bex : I admit I 've not read any of Karen Marie Moning . Will have to Google her after this . 😛 Speaking of different genres , if you could only write in one genre for the rest of your career , what genre would you choose ? Stella : I love urban fantasy . Mostly because it 's so freeing . I can create whatever I want and come up with some wild explanation for it . No research . Yeah , that 's a bonus . If I want a dragon helipad in the middle of my city ? Hell , I 'll make one ! Bex : Another place we seem to agree . I love the creativity the fantasy genre allows for . Let 's turn the conversation to characters . Which of the characters in your current release is your favorite ? Stella : Lucifer . Mmm , let me say it again , slower . Lucifer . Doesn 't it just roll off the tongue ? He 's incredibly sexy and all alpha male , which I love , but there 's also a story to him , too . I like my men to have a colorful past to help me understand them . Stella : Okay , fine . I guess it would be The Killing Dance by Laurell K . Hamilton where Anita and Jean Claude finally break the tension they 've been torturing me with for five whole books . I might have read it a few times . Bex : Wow . Another author I haven 't read . * jots it down * Let 's focus a bit on you . Morning person or grumpy bear ? Stella : Gah , too much . I 've set myself a lofty writing goal in 2013 . I intend to finish 5 novels , three of which are already started . Yes , that 's a lot , but I 've already finished book 2 of a 7 book urban fantasy series called Ironhill Jinn , and it 's only February . I also have the final book of my UF trilogy coming out in June . Sad and excited at the same time . Bex : You know I 've said it before - you 're a writing machine ! Thank goodness , because I 'm a fangirl ( never thought I 'd type that in my life ) . Anyway … back to you . If I were to look in your closet right now , would I find frills and lace or demin and tees ? Stella : Um … neither ? I 'm a comfy kind of girl . When I 'm not in dress pants for work , I 'm usually in yoga pants and tees or a sweat shirt . Yeah , it 's not pretty , but it 's comfy . Bex : Interesting parents . I like em ' ! 😛 Now , for probably the most important question of the interview . If you were only allowed to eat one dessert for the rest of your life , what would it be ? Stella Berkley grew up in small town Ontario as a farmer 's daughter , usually up to her ears in some kind of trouble . A career daydreamer , Stella has a vivid imagination and a love for fantasy , especially the dark and steamy kind . Two of her novellas have been published with Cobblestone Press , and two novels by her tamer self were published last year . When she isn 't writing , she hangs out with her husband and young daughter at their little house in the woods . Doris : I 've always spun stories in my head for as long as I can remember . I used to get into terrible trouble at school for day dreaming , and my gran used to box me around the head on a regular basis ' to pay attention . ' Lol She meant well , I guess . I started countless novels as a teenager , wrote some fanfic as you do , and that 's as far as it went until September 2010 . A friend entered a writing competition and encouraged me to do it also . I didn 't get anywhere in that competition but I haven 't stopped writing since . Doris : I 'm a complete and utter panster . I never know what will happen when I sit down to write . In this story I had many moments of , " Oh Wow , I so didn 't see that coming . " It all makes sense and somehow comes together , but the whole process is a bit of a mystery to me . I 've learnt to simply listen to my characters and write what they tell me , even it doesn 't make sense at the time . They know their story after all , so who I am to argue 😉 Doris : LOL , I 'm a mum of nine , so I haven 't got the luxury of that . I write whenever I get a chance to , mostly late at night when everyone is asleep . Though I 've been known to write whilst cooking dinner , when the characters are screaming at me . Writing sex scenes whilst sorting out arguments between the kids can be interesting I tell you ! Doris : I have many automatic buy authors , and every book that I read inspires me in some way . But , if I had to name just one then it would have to be my very good friend and honorary grandma of my youngest . Raven McAllan is a prolific writer . She also ' redits ' all my work and spurs me on when I feel like procrastinating , as do the other members in my critique group . I 'm very lucky to have such a fantastic support network . Doris : I would have to say Stella Giovanni . She lightens the mood like only she can , and I so have to give her her own story . She has been a favourite of mine all through the three books , and I think a book just for her would be such a hoot to write . The woman is just impossible , lol . Doris : I did that once . It was very cathartic to have my heroine say everything to this person that I would like to have said to that particularly annoying person in real life . And no , I am not telling you who , to protect the innocent . Doris : Hmm , I should say my husband here , shouldn 't I ? But if we 're talking fantasy , then it would have to be Alexander Skarsgard . * sighs to self * Blurb : When Giorgio Giovanni tracks the troublesome Jemima down in a hospital bed in Italy , he has one thing on his mind - revenge . However , the fragile woman he encounters is not the devious female he remembers . When it becomes clear that she is in danger , he risks everything to keep her safe . Left for dead , Jemima wakes up in hospital , terrified , and with no idea of her identity . The angry man , who comes to claim her , is the only link to a shared past she can 't remember . A past that threatens to destroy them , and all she has ever held dear . He stared at her for the longest time , one large hand , hot and heavy on her belly , his gaze so intense it took her breath away . When he finally smiled , it lit up his harsh features . She didn 't catch the murmured Italian words he mumbled under his breath , but the kiss that followed had her curl her toes into the bed with the effort to not release herself from her bonds and bury her hands in his hair to make him hurry up and fuck her . He was breathing as heavily as she by the time he released her , and she bit back a moan when he simply ripped the rest of her dress off her . Her bra and knickers followed the fate of her dress , until she lay in front of him naked , wet , and wanting . He ran his knuckles slowly up and down her tummy in ever widening circles , and then reached across to the ice bucket with a slow grin . " Shut your eyes for me , cara . " His voice had dropped an octave , and her stomach dropped right with it , seeing him hold a couple of ice cubes in his fingers . She shook her head and bucked off the bed , when he flicked his hand over her breasts . Ice cold drops of water fell on her skin and trickled between the valley of her breasts . He licked the drops away , his warm tongue taking away the coldness left by the water . " Shut your eyes , trust me . This will be so much better for you when you can 't see what I 'm doing . " He kissed a path down her quivering tummy , and she blinked back tears at the tender way he caressed her abdomen . He paused to drop a long kiss just above her pubic bone , and his hot breath teased her wet folds . Her clit tingled , and she shut her eyes , as he renewed his request for her to do so . She couldn 't see what he was doing , but the bed dipped as he adjusted his weight again . His hot mouth closed over one of her nipples at the same time as the other was subjected to an ice cube being circled around it . She gasped at the intense sensation , and Giorgio swapped sides . The difference between his warm mouth and tongue and the ice cube sent her body into spasms of need . She writhed under him , and he laughed . Again and again he repeated the process all along her body . A path of ice , followed by the warmth of his tongue as he licked the icy trails away , leaving fiery awareness in its wake . By the time he finally reached her pussy , she was hovering on the brink of orgasm . She whimpered her need when he pushed an ice cube high into her channel and then proceeded to lick around her clit , careful to never touch her when she needed him most . The melting ice cube mixed in with her own juices and trickled slowly out her hole . Her pussy clenched , and she didn 't recognize the needy voice pleading with him to please do something . " Così bello , e tutto mio . " He followed the words with a kiss , and she screamed when he pulled her clit into his mouth and swirled his tongue around it , at the same time as he pushed another ice cube into her empty channel . Her walls closed around the slippery object , and spasmed wildly as the first quivers of her orgasm hit . Giorgio groaned into her core and stepped up his sweet torture on her clit . When he pushed two fingers into her core , and massaged her sweet spot , the intensity of her orgasm hit her with the full force of freight train . " That 's it , tesoro , fly for me . " He caught her scream of release in his mouth , and she could taste herself in the passionate kiss he gave her , dimly aware of him withdrawing his fingers and replacing them with his cock . Thick , hard , and so very long he filled her completely as he pushed into her swollen core , until he was seated to the hilt . She wrapped her legs around him and dug her feet into his calves to give him better access and to take him as deep as she could . He started thrusting , every move driving him deeper into her , and tumbling her right over the edge again , as her inner muscles contracted around his thick member . Faster and faster he pumped , his harsh breathing in her ear the most erotic sound ever , his hands and lips seemingly everywhere , arousing every little bit of skin he touched until her whole body was a mass of sensation . Again her body climbed toward that peak of sheer joy , and this time Giorgio was with her every step of the ecstatic journey they took together . Her eyes flew open , and she drowned in the rolling depths of emotion she saw reflected in his , as they came together in their explosive release . When her body finally stopped shaking , she could taste the salt of tears in her mouth . Giorgio kissed them off her face , and he released her from her bonds , and pulled her into his embrace . She had to smile at his grumbled , " If this is pretending , then I hate to see what will happen when we do this for real . " Welcome back to the blog . Usually I start these combination posts with the info on the author and their new release at the end , this time , I am switching things up a bit . I 'm going to show you the story before we meet the author . Blurb : Ex - cop turned private investigator , Jack Vorst , learns his elf girlfriend Kristina has been missing for a few days after being invited to an underground vampire club . He , too , is summoned to visit club Hexenringe and is taken captive . Jack finds Kristina bound and gagged in a human sized bird cage . They 're both thrust into a kinky world at the hands of Kol , the club owner . Jack stopped several inches short of running into the dancer , who happened to be the same height as his six - foot frame . The man smiled . His dazzling gray eyes twinkled . The dancer reminded Jack of someone , but he couldn 't place who . The guy dropped his pants , grabbed the back of Jack 's head and planted his lips on his . The kiss was harsh , demanding , but the man didn 't seem to care , so neither did Jack . His free hand traveled down and cupped the bulge hiding in Jack 's jeans . Tingles raced through his body , and Jack wondered what the feel of the dancer 's hand on his naked cock would be like . For the merest of moments , the man swept his tongue into Jack 's mouth . He tasted of a nutty , roasted flavor with a sweet tinge . Caramel ? Perhaps . Jack made a note to find the beer the dancer drank beforehand and read the ingredients . The dancer winked , making him feel like his mind was an open book to him , and guided him to a door between the bar and stage . After stepping through the doorway , the man shut the door , encasing them in darkness . His hand tugged Jack 's . In silence , the dancer led him through the dark . How ? He didn 't know . But in a weird way , Jack trusted him not to lead him astray . Several feet in , the man stopped . " I am pleased you made the right decision to come here tonight . " His hot breath fanned Jack 's cheek . Jack wished he could see the man and how close he actually was to him . If he moved his head , would he be able to kiss the guy in the thong ? He cleared his throat . " Well , first off I came to find my woman . Secondly , your invitation seemed to be one I couldn 't ignore , and … " Jack paused . And what ? Now that he was here , he found himself aroused and craving the man 's attention . Could he admit that aloud ? C . R . : For a very brief period of time , I had ideas of becoming a teacher or an astronaut . Both occurred before the age of ten . But for the most part , I knew I wanted to write at a young age , as early as I learned to read . I was always cooking up stories to entertain myself in the rural area I lived in . Had to since there were no other kids around to play with . My defining moment came when I received an A in English in grade school . I was just shy of being a teenager when I had my ' calling . ' Ever since then , most of my choices in life have revolved around my goal of becoming a full - time fiction writer and being published . Upon my ' calling . ' I had written a story for a magazine . It 'd been rejected , but that was my start . After that , I began studying the craft of writing . It started with working on the school newspaper in middle school to creative writing classes and Teens Art Festivals in high school . I received a BA in Communications , Information and Library Studies from Rutgers College with a strong concentration in English Lit / Writing and Interpersonal Communications / PR . Studying under the mentorship of Terri Valentine ( author of ' Sands of Time , ' a Zebra Historical Romance ) , I honed my novel writing skills . In the mid to late 2000s , I finally put my foot down , got over my nerves and took the plunge into submitting stories to publishers . I 've been published since 2008 , and as for the craft , I 'm still learning things by taking the occasional online class , attending industry conferences , and devouring all the writing how - to books I can get my hands on . C . R . : Lovers and the Fiend is a story in Evernight Publishing 's Naughty Fairy Tale line . The characters , Jack and Kristina , appeared in my short story - Chasing Miss Kringle - that 's in an Evernight Publishing anthology - Stockings and Suspenders . This is the first of a handful of stories I have planned for the NFT line that revolve around the world started in CMK and Lovers . You don 't have to read the anthology story to read Lovers , but it 'd be nice if you did . The idea for the world these characters exist in came when I got the idea for Chasing Miss Kringle for Stockings and Suspenders . At first the anthology story was just going to revolve around a guy meeting a woman at a 5k race , but then my muse ran with the paranormal idea and created a dual investigation service . Then , I had an urge to write for the NFT line and figured CMK would be a good place to start with a world and setting for that story . It all takes place in my home town of Las Vegas . C . R . : A combination of the two . I do an information dump and outline as much of the story that 's in my head first thing . Then I work off the outline , fleshing out all the ideas and stuff . If I over plan , then sometimes I feel like the story 's already been written , and I end up not wanting to work on it for quite some time . C . R . : Jack is my favorite character in the book . He 's handsome , intelligent , stubborn , honest , yet slow - to - change . A cynic after my own heart who has a good partner trying to convert him . Plus , he 's athletic and in shape and oh so yummy . Bex : So far we are pretty compatible . Not that I 'm trying to pick you up or anything … Tell us one thing it would surprise us to know about you ? C . R . : As C . R . Moss , I 'm currently working on two stories with my writing partner for our Double D Ranch Tales series and on a couple of stories under my Casey Moss pen name . I also don 't have dates for them yet , but I do have two contracted stories through Decadent Publishing for their 1NightStand series . One is called Sunset Temptations and the other is Sunset Heat . Bex : Ooo … intrigue . Got me curious now , for sure . Lets switch things up a bit . If I were to look in your closet right now , would I find frills and lace or demin and tees ? Bex : Thanks so much for coming by today , Cara . The story looks steamy good - just what I like in a short story . On that note , what inspired you to write Their First Noelle ? Is there an interesting story behind it ? Cara : There should be . It 's such a fun , sexy , sweet story . But it started like most of my stories , with just some random mental wanderings that eventually became , ' oh , that 's a fun idea . ' It did start out as a ' normal ' story … I guess you 'd call it contemporary , but I wasn 't far into the writing before my leading lady , Noelle , demanded to be someone ' different . ' Next thing I knew , I had an elf recently retired from Santa 's workshop and looking for love in her local coffee shop . Cara : A bit of both . I 'm not usually a bright and shining morning star , but I can almost never sleep in . I 'm up by about 6 : 30 every morning . Sometimes I spring out of bed and sometimes it takes me 30 - 60 minutes to normalize . Cara : Nerds . In particular the choir / drama / band variety . I performed in the choir , the madrigals , the marching and concert bands , the brass ensemble , and the drama club . Cara : I 'm also kind of a math nerd . It always seems to surprise people when I say I 've spent most of my adult life working in accounting . And then other accounting types always seem surprised to learn I write . I get a lot of , " Oh , I could never do that " from both sides . Cara : Depends . Is it canned or bottled ? Canned Coke is gross . Don 't know why , but it just doesn 't taste right to me . In most cases , I tend to go with Pepsi , but I 'm not too picky unless it 's in a can . Cara : Denim and tees , by far . I just don 't look like me in frills and lace . Oh , to be one of the lovely , elegant types . Cara : My son . He 's my favorite person . So smart and funny and quirky . We 'd probably yell at each other a lot , but we 'd have fun . I told him how I was answering this and he asked me a ' would you rather ' question : Would you rather be stuck on an island with a jerk who was a survival wiz , or with someone you loved but didn 't know squat about survival ? I picked the jerk … on the off chance he or she keeps me alive long enough to get home to my loved ones . Cara : Vampires . They at least tend to retain a spark of humanity . Even Dracula had his moments . The shambling brain eaters on the other hand just freak me out . Seriously . I had to stop watching the Walking Dead after 4 or 5 episodes because of the nightmares . Heheheh - I just LOVE that show … One of my few television addictions this year . Now that we 've taken a little time out to get to know Cara , let 's take a closer look at her latest release , THEIR FIRST NOELLE Blurb : Elf , Noelle Duncan thought life among the humans would be a nice change of pace after two hundred years in Santa 's workshop . Instead , retirement is lonely and the prospect of spending her remaining centuries among humans doesn 't hold much appeal . With Christmas approaching , she wants just one night to feel alive and loved . Kristian Winters and Nicholas Haversham are partners in business and love . They 'd like nothing more than to find a woman to share their love , but they 've yet to find one open not only to two lovers , but a pair with unusual appetites . Noelle is the only woman they want , and Nick isn 't about to let Christmas go by without making their wishes known . Welcome back for another posting for the MAKE BELIEVE ( J . Taylor Publishing ) Blog Tour . Today , we have Lynda R . Young with us for a little interview . Her story , < is part of the anthology . You can see my review of Lynda 's story , as well as the rest of the stories included in the anthology HERE . Lynda : When I first started writing I fell in love with the romance of pantsing . I discovered the story and the characters as I wrote them . The romance faded when I realized how much I 'd have to delete and edit and rewrite to get the stories even close to publishable . I 'm now a plotter through and through . Lynda : If I said the speculative genre , would that be cheating ? Hehehe , I 'm such a rebel . The reason I 'd pick speculative is that it has so many sub - genres I 'd never get bored ! I love fantasy and science fiction equally as much , along with the majority of their sub - genres . There is such scope for stories there . Rebecca : I hear you there . I have a hard time pinning myself into a specific genre as well . Are any of your characters modeled after real people ? If so , which ones ? Lynda : The Dark Knight Soundtrack has been one of my favorites for a while now . It 's wonderfully emotive and keeps my fingers dancing across the keyboard . If I 'm after something less robust , then I 'll listen to something from Enya or I 'll listen to Bali , an album by Jalan Jalan . It 's all instrumental so there aren 't any words to distract me from my writing . Lynda : I 'm definitely not a morning person . Maybe that 's why I write best in the mornings . Leave me alone to my writing in the mornings , and the day is a good one - for everyone 😉 Lynda : The amount of work required to get it right . I think being an author is one of the hardest jobs in the world . We might not get filthy , we might not get physically exhausted , but writing requires a level of mental endurance and persistence that 's close to herculean . It 's not a job that can be done in a half - hearted way . Lynda : I can be both really observant , yet completely oblivious . My friends tease me by saying they could drive a truck through the house and I wouldn 't notice . I call that a talent . Rebecca : Nobody drinks soda nowadays . I 'm starting to wonder how Coke and Pepsi stay in business . Let 's move to clothing … If I were to look in your closet right now , would I find frills and lace or demin and tees ? BLURB : Christa can mask the pain and hide the scars , but running from a birthright is impossible . She 's tried to escape her grief by fleeing to a small town in Florida . Much to her frustration , the locals think they recognize her even though she 's never been there before . To make things worse , a man named Jack spouts outrageous theories about her . Both spur Christa to bolt , to start fresh yet again , but there 's something about Jack that intrigues her enough to stay . The only problem ? Someone else wants her to leave , and they won 't stop until she 's dead . Lynda lives in Sydney , Australia , with her sweetheart of a husband who is her rock , and a cat who believes world domination starts in the home . Lynda has an adventurous spirit and has traveled the world . As a chaser of dreams , she found success as a digital artist and an animator , and now as a writer of speculative short stories . She is currently writing novels for young adults . In her spare time she also dabbles in photography and all things creative . Now , on with the good part - getting to know J . Keller Ford . Thanks so much for agreeing to stop by . Let 's get right to it , shall we ? J . Keller Ford : Oh , it would have to be Elton Fletcher , without a doubt . I love his strength , his fortitude , his kindness and generosity . He loves deeply and prefers to work problems out without using violence ; however , he can kick some serious butt if he has to . J . Keller Ford : No one in the Amulet of Ormisez is modeled after real people , however , there are a few in my current novel , In the Shadow of the Dragon King , that are . For instance , my main character , David , is a blend of both of my sons with some extras added . Sir Trogsdill is a cross between my dad and someone else I knew long ago . Of course there are personality elements of myself and my husband scattered throughout , but I can 't say one character is based on either of us . Rebecca : I had heard there were some of you morning folk out there . Good to know there are some of you willing to get up at the crack of dawn . I know I 'm not . Tell us something about your book we won 't find in the back cover blurb ? J . Keller Ford : Palmetto bugs . They are nasty , over - sized cockroaches that fly . I scream like a little girl and run the other way when I see one . I hate the crunch sound they make when you smack or step on them and cringe when the icky thick yellow goo comes out . * Shudder * . Ewww . Author Bio : J . Keller Ford is a quirky mother of four , grand - mother and scribbler of young adult fantasy tales . She has an insatiable appetite for magic , dragons , knights and faeries , and weaves at least one into every story she conceives . Her muse is a cranky old meadow gnome that follows her everywhere she goes and talks incessantly , feeding her ideas for stories 24 / 7 . When she 's not writing or blogging , the former Corporate Paralegal enjoys listening to smooth jazz , collecting seashells , swimming , bowling , riding roller coasters and reading . Jenny lives minutes from the beaches of the west coast of Florida with her husband , her two sons an orange precocious cat , and three silly dogs . The pets have trained her well . Ack . I dunno . I mean , I love Benjamin and Cole . Love how they gel and that they kind of get thrust together through circumstance beyond their control . But , if I were to look at the characters on a long term potential basis , I 'd have to say I also love Cole 's best friend and housemate Kellie , for the light relief I know she 'll bring to intense aftermaths , and Rufus King , for the trouble I suspect he 'd be capable of causing for the duo . 😉 Never . I sometimes study relationship dynamics and translate those to the page , but I never totally base a character on someone I know . It wouldn 't be fair . Though I did get pretty close in Blue Moon , my novel that just released , when a friend 's daughter asked me for a part in the book , so I made a character look like her and stole her name - but I 'd never do that for a big part character who 's personality needs portraying to the max . I think the biggest surprise ( and most likely not just to me ) is discovering just how hard it is to gain a ' reach ' , to get that ball rolling so that folk are taking enough notice of your work to start spreading the word , and those folk start spreading the word , and so on and so on . It 's a domino run you need to make bigger , but getting hold of the dominos you need is the tricky bit . Once that starts happening , though , it 's pretty awesome . So persevere . No matter how big this obstacle seems . Well , I 'm mostly known for writing the Holloway Pack series , and my short story for the Make Believe anthology was more of a side project for a change of scenery . However , although I still have a few Holloway Pack titles to write , I will admit I 'm intrigued enough about Benjamin and Cole from Escort to Insanity that the early drip feed of ideas has started trickling through for a trilogy for the two of them . And it 's no secret , I 'm also itching to try my hand at some YA . 🙂 I haven 't had anything wonky for Escort to Insanity , but I have been asked a few times by peeps I know who 've read Darkness & Light if I 've based all of the intimate scenes on personal experience . They ask Mr B , too . His answer : Yep . My answer : Tell us something about your story in Make Believe we won 't find in the back cover blurb ? Author Bio : One day , a character and scene popped into J . A . Belfield 's head , and she started controlling the little people inside her imagination , as though she were the puppet master and they her toys . Questions arose : What would happen if … ? How would they react if … ? Who would they meet if … ? Before she knew it , a singular scene had become an entire movie . The characters she controlled began to hold conversations . Their actions reflected the personalities she bestowed upon them . Within no time , they had a life , a lover , a foe , family … they had Become .
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I went to the Ham Radio Deluxe website the other day and was looking at the various versions of Ham Radio Deluxe 5 . 0 . I had version 2837 installed . Looking quite hastily , I saw February 24th and downloaded the software thinking it was version 2949 . Then to make matters worse , I went on the Yahoo Groups HRD message board and asked why I lost the ability to configure the names of the Custom Fields . Hello ! ! ! ! Perhaps it 's because you 're using a software version that 's over a year old ? Talk about feeling mortified . I feel like I should send my A - 1 Operators Club certificate back to the League ! On the bright side , I did manage to work Drew K9CW as K6JSS / 9 in Illinois tonight . Drew was 589 into NJ and I got a 579 back on the G5RV . That 's the best RST I 've gotten using the G5 in quite a while . Pretty good for a guy who can 't seem to walk and chew gum at the same time ( that would be me ) . Rich , WB9LPU sent me one of his " BugNappers " , which arrived in the mail today . Up until this point , I have been using a lever extension device , which required me to take the weights off the pendulum . It was effective and did the job ; but was not smoothly adjustable . Of course , now that I need one , I can 't find them ! I 've searched the shack high and low , every nook and cranny and they are nowhere to be found . I will order a medium weight from Vibroplex and I 'm pretty positive that when it arrives - the ones I already have will come out of hiding . If I still have them . I gave someone one of my extra bugs about a year or two ago ; and I am trying to remember if I put my extra weights on that one , for storage , since I wasn 't using them . They may be gone for good . Anyway , Rich , if you are reading this , I have posted a check in the mail . I 'm sure you 'll get it before my weights arrive . Gosh , I can 't wait to try this out ! This past weekend , my XYL Marianne and I ( along with Cara and Joey ) went shopping for a new vehicle . After almost 12 years and a ton of miles , the Ford Explorer grew tired and expensive to maintain . We still need a 4WD vehicle , as there are times Marianne ( who is a nurse ) needs to get to the hospital while enduring hostile driving conditions . Back in the mid 90s , I owned a Jeep Wrangler . In my book , it was the best vehicle I 've ever owned . So we decided upon the Jeep Patriot . It 's the most " economical " of the Jeeps while still offering 4WD on demand ; and offering the space a family of four requires . So what 's this have to do with Amateur Radio ? Both followings , both Amateur Radio and Jeep , have their snobs . I encountered this quite a bit back in the 90s and got reacquainted with it today . Back then , and probably still today , Jeep enthusiasts had their own e - mail reflectors . But looking at some Jeep videos on YouTube , I see comments like , " The last REAL Jeep was made back in the 90s . It stopped when they introduced the YJ " , or " They should stop producing the Jeep Compass . If it can 't handle the Rubicon off - road course , it 's not a REAL Jeep " . I saw these comments on YouTube ; and even though they didn 't apply to me , I got annoyed , nonetheless . " It 's not REAL radio unless it has tubes ! " " It 's not a real radio if it 's hooked up to a computer " . " It 's not real radio because . . . . . . . . " Blah , blah , blah . . . . . . . on and on and on and on . It seems there 's never a shortage of folks who are more than ready to rain on someone else 's parade . I think that in instances like this ( and I am sure there are tons of other followings where this type of snobbery occurs ) that it 's best to enjoy what you like ; and mind your own business when it comes to other folks likes or dislikes . When you go out of your way to denigrate someone 's like for something , you just come off looking and sounding like a jerk . The 40 Meter QRP - L Foxhunt has been interesting this season , to say the least . The Hunts were set up so many years ago as an aid towards learning band conditions and propagation . This fall / winter the band has been going loooonnnngggg way early . Tonight I could barely hear Al K0FRP in Colorado . Around 02 : 40 UTC he finally went from about 229 to pfffttt ! Dave N0IT in Missouri has not been heard at all . Half the country away and he 's too darned close ! But I was able to hear F3NB quite clearly . Go figure ! I haven 't decided as to whether or not I will do two 44 foot legs ; or perhaps just random length legs as long as I can stretch them to each end . The leg to the house could be about 64 feet long and the leg to the other side of the backyard could be approximately 50 feet long . That would give an OCF effect and I 'm not sure I want that . The advantage of doing the random length legs is that if I don 't like the result , I could always cut them back to 44 foot lengths and then have the classic 88 ' EDZ . I will run window line down about 30 feet or so to the ground where I will terminate to a 4 : 1 current balun . I will then run coax to the house . I would run the ladder line all the way to the house ; but I have no easy way of keeping it elevated off the ground from the tree to the house and still remain somewhat inconspicuous . Marianne doesn 't mind my antennas as long as they are not " ugly " . The G5RV as it is now is very inconspicuous and if you didn 't know it was there , you 'd probably miss it . For wire , I will use some either 14 or 16 gauge stuff that the son of an SK gave me when he was clearing out his father 's stuff . It regular old stranded wire from a hardware store ( insulated ) - nothing fancy like the stuff you 'd get from The Wireman . The other goal is to economize as much as possible . Except for the Ladder - Grabber , the only other purchase will be new coax . I have had the honor and privilege to work Michael Rainey AA1TJ on a couple of occasions . Mike homebrews and operates the neatest designs and rigs . This evening I worked him on his newest 250 mW special , which is detailed in his blog . I have added his blog to the blogroll on the right . Mike was 339 into New Jersey , for the most part . He was even louder when the QSB was at minimum . I received a 229 report . I was using the K2 and the HF9V . If any of you were at HamJam2010 , then this is the gray area that Ward SIlver was discussing . It will only get " worse " with time in terms of gray areas . Award committees will have to examine these kinds of situations and make a ruling . Awards are one thing ; contests are another . There have always been a lot of gray areas . Is it ok to drive over near the AL state line in your mobile so you can work a mobile on the other side of the line on 17M and get a W . A . S . 17M ? Tough to work them or S . C . from Roswell on that band . This does meet the rule that all contacts must be made from a 50 miles apart . 1 . In the QRP world , there seems to be a thought that what you use to qualify is up to you . You hang the award on YOUR wall ! Hence , no QSLs are required for QRP ARCI awards , simply a review of your log with two General Class hams or higher . I hate to be so morbid but your kids will throw all that in the trash when you die anyway ! 2 . It is true that most consider Echolink through a repeater in Germany , for example , not valid for an award , but a remote receiver is not quite in the same class . You still have to hear the guy , if it 's CW , you still have to copy the guy . I once found a station on Mediera Island using the Dutch web receivers . He was very strong . I then went to that frequency at home and he was very week but I worked him using my receiver / transmitter . I felt that event was fine , not unlike someone spotting him on a dx cluster . Some may disagree . My conclusion is that for something like K6JSS / 2 , it 's fine and I 'd use the contact to get that special WAS certificate at the end of the year . But I would not use that card for ARRL W . A . S . to avoid any raised eyebrows at the League . I 'd also TRY to work them again without the WEB RX . I sure wish there had been a WEB RX in AZ last week . Whew ! That 's one man 's view . . . . YMMV and are we still HTMF ? B ) W2LJ didn 't make any transmissions using the Internet . He used his transceiver as a transmitter . And besides , if Tom couldn 't hear my transmissions , it wouldn 't have mattered what kind of receiver I was using . . . . period ! This wasn 't a case of using Echolink or VoiP , it was more of a case like using a remote receiver , which a lot of Hams do . I can 't say for 100 % certainty ; but if my neighbor hadn 't turned on his plasma TV or whatever noisemaker that he has , I probably could and would have done this QSO in the most " traditional " way . Like Jim stated , for WAS or DXCC credit , my conscience probably wouldn 't allow me to use this QSO . But we 're talking a fun special event here and I already know that I will probably not be able to get all 50 , anyway . The key word being FUN , of course ! 72 de Larry W2LJ Thanks to reading John K3WWP 's daily diary , I came to realize it was two new DXCC entities worked this weekend by yours truly . I had forgotten that Curacao is now its own entity , so I had to add that one to the tally . That makes my QRP DXCC now at 109 , and that puts me over 140 in regular DXCC . Still a long way to go before I even start coming close to the neighborhood of DXCC totals of several Ham friends that I admire . I worked K6JSS / 2 last night on 80 Meters . Working them on the first night of operation - that 's the fastest I 've ever done that . And I am still very glad that the string is still unbroken . Seems there was a little confusion as two K6JSS / 2 stations were on 80 Meters at the same time last night . I was able to work the only one I was able to hear . Last night 's Run for the Bacon was a lot of fun . 40 Meters have very little background noise ( as compared to the other night when I worked K6JSS / 7 and it was horrific ! ) . I worked about a dozen stations in all and even managed to work a DX piggie for once ! Bob N4BP operated from the Bahamas as C6AKQ , his DX contest call sign . As usual , Bob was booming into NJ . In fact , it 's a rare day when Bob does not boom into NJ , whether he 's in Florida or the Bahamas . If I hear Bob on the bands , and he 's less than 579 or so , then I know something is afoot with regards to solar weather . As a treat , today is a day off from work for the President 's Day holiday . I have to drop Cara off at cheer practice in about an hour . The first competition of the season is next Sunday . Luckily this one is being held right in our own school . In between chauffeuring chores , I will try to get on the air . I see the Flux is 105 and the Sun Spot number is 103 . Maybe I 'll hear something interesting . Also spending some time on the InterWeb doing some more research on possible wire antenna candidates . I am spending a lot of time on the W4RNL site . Also spending time looking at new vehicles . Yes , after eleven years , the Explorer seems to be spending more time in the shop lately . Instead of repair , repair , repair - both Marianne and I think it might be time to look for something new ( or at least different , if not " new " ) . The prospect of car loan payments is not exciting , though . The tease of Spring that we got last week is now just a fond memory . Those killer winds that we had over the weekend ushered in a cold front which brought snow this morning . Not much , just enough to cover the grass . Not even enough to shovel . I am sick and tired of looking at it , though ! 72 de Larry W2LJ 10 Meters was not as sizzling today as it was yesterday . 15 Meters was still hopping this afternoon , as was 20 Meters . I see the Solar Flux Index is a bit down - closer to 100 than 120 . With less that three hours left in the contest , this is a good time for newer QRPers to jump into the fray of a DX contest . The big guns who are still in the thick of things have reached the point where they 've worked a lot of stations ; but are still hungry for points . They are inclined to listen for weaker QRP signals that they might be hearing . I was pleased to see on Facebook that George N2JNZ 's new FlexRadio station is working quite well for him . On 40 Meters alone , he 's had more than 108 QSOs with 50 countries worked . He said that the new release of software has made CW a lot better than it was ; and that he has been having a good time with his bug . My own involvement was very little . I really was only poking around a bit to take advantage of the good conditions on 15 and 10 Meters ; as well as to see if I could scare up a new country or two . Working Montserrat completed that goal . As always . . . . . . want to make sure the antennas work , too ! All contacts except for one were made with the Butternut HF9V . That vertical has been a very solid performer for me for this last decade . I sure am glad it 's out there . This weekend , we 've had some pretty ferocious winds , too . Loud enough to make me cringe a bit as I was laying in bed last night as I was drifting off to sleep . The HF9V takes the winds here in stride . A little swaying , nothing even really noticeable . And that 's nice . At one time , I owned another brand of vertical and I used to have agita and nightmares when the wind would start to blow . Ice storms were even worse ! Tonight is the Flying Pigs monthly QRP sprint , The Run for the Bacon . I would expect participation to be down as probably everyone is a bit pooped from the DX contest . In an open e - mail to the QRP and CW e - mail reflectors , I invited K6JSS / 2 to join in on the fun as " the Key " is passed from Arizona to New York state tonight at 00 : 00 UTC . One last thing . I was in " the library " looking at the newest issue of QST , when my eye settled on an advertisement for the Icom IC - R75 receiver . Here 's the text that made me pause for thought , as my fledgling footsteps into this hobby were as an SWL : " Listening to shortwave over the air is part science , part art . There 's something magical about tuning a knob on a box and opening an earful of life in another part of the world . No Ethernet cables . No server shut - downs . No broken links . Just hundreds to thousands of miles of air between the station and you , with your IC - R75 " . Can you imagine if this ad had somehow magically appeared in an issue of QST of the 50s or 60 's perhaps ? " Ether what ? " " What 's a server ? " " What 's a link and how do you even break one ? " Yet these are things that we have now come to accept as part of every day life and get taken for granted . Last night , I saw on QRPSPOTS that Tom AC7A was calling CQ as K6JSS / 7 on 7 . 107 MHz and wasn 't getting many takers . So even though it was getting kind of late here in NJ , I decided to go on down to the basement and give it a shot . 40 Meters has been long at nights ; and I figured I 'd at least give it a go . Much to my horror , I turned on the K2 only to find that my neighborhood killer QRN had made a comeback for the evening . I was faced with about 10 over 9 dB buzz saw noise . 40 Meters has been so good for me lately ; and now this ? And time is running out as K6JSS / 7 - Arizona is only good until Sunday evening . What to do . . . . what to do ? I decided to try something radically different , thanks to an idea that Jim W4QO hinted at on QRPSPOTS a couple of weeks ago when GA was in the batter 's box . I ran upstairs for the netbook ; as it runs so much faster than my shack laptop , which is ancient by comparison . I fired up the browser and headed on over to WebDSR by WB4MAK site . I turned the AF Gain on the K2 all the way down and turned up the volume on the netbook . " Dialing in " 7 . 107 MHZ , I gave Tom a call using the K2 as a transmitter and not a transceiver . . . . . . " K6JSS / 7 de W2LJ " and listened . Sure enough , after a few calls , I heard Tom coming back to me . The QSO was difficult as we were both down in the mud . Tom earned a 449 from me ; and I , a 229 from him . But it got the job done and K6JSS / 7 is in the log and the string of states is not broken yet ! Talk about your SDR radios , eh ? Secondly , I went out with Joey this afternoon , as planned and measure the distance from the maple tree to the house where I anchor wire antennas . Only 65 feet - not the 85 feet needed for a 80 Meter sized Windom . It looks like the 88 foot extended Double Zepp will be the new wire antenna this spring . With 44 feet of wire for each leg , I will be able to fit it in the backyard easily . It will be a horizontal " L " ; but it will fit . I have the wire , I have the window line . I want to order one of those Emtech Ladder Grabbers and I will need to come up with a balun ( which I will probably make ) . Since this will be a " new " antenna , I want to put virgin coax on it , so I will need to order some of that . I want to get this done as soon as possible . I am hoping that we have seen the last of the major snow for this winter ( which I probably just jinxed ) and that I can get this done within a few weeks . I think it will be way easier to get the G5RV down and the new antenna up while the leaves are still off the branches . That 's my hope anyway . This will also be my first really good practical chance to use the antenna line launcher that I homebrewed at the end of summer last year . It is sooooo nice to see both 10 and 15 Meters jumping today for the ARRL DX Contest . It seems like such a long time since I have made a bunch o ' contacts on 10 Meters in one day . The signals are nice and strong and the Big Gun DXers seem to be not having too much trouble pulling out my 5 Watt signal . Thanks for your good ears and big antennas , guys ! It 's a shame that after tomorrow that those bands will go back to being a habitat for tumbleweeds . Hopefully the sun will start cooking the ionosphere to the point where this becomes normal for a while . We can hope , can 't we ? An interesting discussion is evolving on QRP - L . Hopefully it won 't devolve and become a QRP - L embarrassment . Anyway , it all began a few days ago when a fellow QRPer happily announced that he had worked PJ6 / K4UEE , his 100th DXCC entity at QRP power levels . QRPers , being who and what they are , immediately started offering their congratulations , but also encouraged this fellow Ham to apply for " the wallpaper " . In this case , " the wallpaper " would be the QRP DXCC certificate , which is pictured above . Things got a bit sticky when one Ham opined that it is a " useless award " . And even though I have the award and am VERY proud to have it , I can understand his point ( which he is entitled to ) . QRP DXCC does not require the applicant to mail in his QSL cards ; or LOTW credits as the regular award does . All you are required to do is send in a list of the 100 DXCC entities that you worked , providing call sign , date and band information . Therefore , in the opinion of this Ham , the QRP DXCC is useless because it lacks credibility . In his opinion , this is a simple case of , " I earned it ' cuz I said I did what I said I did , " If this were a court case or a matter of law , I would agree wholeheartedly . But this is not that , this is something totally different . This boils down to being a matter of honor and faith , as it were . The same Ham who proclaimed the QRP DXCC certificate " useless " , also claimed in his post that he has worked over 120 DXCC entities via QRP and that he has the cards to prove it . I never met the man face to face ; and probably never will , yet I believe him . I don 't need to see his cards . If I cannot take him at his word , then what 's the point ? Furthermore , what 's the point of just dreaming up 100 DX QRP contacts , taking the time to fabricate the details , put them down on paper and then send in $ 10 for the certificate ? It just doesn 't make sense that anyone would do something like that ; but I guess someone could . And that would be very sad , indeed , if they needed to live a lie like that . He went on to make the point that perhaps instead of offering a separate QRP DXCC award that the League ( oops , sorry . . . . . the ARRL - they don 't want to be called " The League " anymore ) should just offer a CW endorsement on the regular DXCC award . I see the point in this and would normally agree . However , when I re - did WAS for the second time - all 50 via QRP and CW , all I got for my efforts and $ 10 were the words " QRP " and " CW " in rather small 12 point type , in an innocuous position towards the bottom right hand corner of the award . Hardly what I would call a significant recognition of the added difficulty . It appears that I was on the short end of the stick tonight . I was trying to work Don NK6A in CA on the 40 Meter QRP - L Fox Hunt . Charles W2SH , who lives eight miles away from me was successful - good for him ! For me , Don was at best a 229 . Very weak and lots of QRM to boot . What a difference eight miles and some extra added elevation ( plus the fact that Charles is a much higher skilled op than me ) can make ! So I thought I 'd flick on over to QRPSPOTS and at least see where K6JSS / 7 in Arizona was operating . 10 . 106 - 10 . 107 MHZ and I could not hear a thing ! If Tom AC7A was on the air ; I sure wasn 't able to hear him . I hope this weekend is successful . I have no illusions that I will work all 50 K6JSS stations ; but I don 't want to go down so early in the count ! Tom mentioned that due to the ARRL DX Contest this weekend that K6JSS / 7 might stay mainly on the WARC bands . Maybe I 'll have better luck on 17 Meters this coming Saturday or Sunday afternoon . On the logging front . . . . . I have left AC Log behind and an now using Ham Radio Deluxe exclusively . I have not mastered it by any stretch of the imagination , but have figured out most of the ins and outs of the program . I don 't use the rig control features ( yet ) , or hardly any of the bells and whistles , but I like how the program looks and works . And I also like that I can grow into this program and who knows , maybe a year or two down the road , I just might use the features I am not using presently . Now , is that a ringing endorsement , or what ? It is often said that " beauty is in the eye of the beholder " . And I suppose that is very , very true . I took a look at this on e - bay and my immediate reaction was , " " Ewwwwwwwww " ! ! ! The picture is tiny and really doesn 't do it justice ( or perhaps it does ) ; but in my humble opinion , this has got to be one of the homliest straight keys that I have ever seen ! That knob is just . . . . . . just . . . . . . I don 't know what ! The key is being listed at $ 9 . 00 and for $ 8 . 00 more you can have it shipped from Odessa , Ukraine to your front door . All kidding aside ( and I really am just kidding ) , from the looks of it , the construction looks to be mostly plastic . I doubt it weighs very much and it would have to be clamped down in some matter of fashion in order for it to work well . Hey , for all I know , it might have the greatest mechanical action since Rolex - but it sure isn 't what you 'd call " eye candy " . Although , at that price , you might consider it " wallet candy " . This coming weekend is the ARRL DX Contest . Currently , as I type this , the SFI is at 111 and there are about 60 freckles Ol ' Sol 's surface . I hope the promising conditions last into the weekend with no further disruptive CMEs or solar flares . I certainly would like to get a few DX QSOs into the log with 5 Watts . The New Jersey edition of K6JSS / 2 will occur the week of August 15th through the 21st . This will hopefully coincide with the NJ QSO Party which occurs around then . I have volunteered to serve as the Point of Contact for New Jersey . NJ QRPers - keep that week open and plan to be on the air a lot ! Let me know if you will be available to operate . I will be posting a ton about this between now and then , with most of it occurring as we get closer to August . As always , I can be reached at W2LJ @ arrl . net . Early on , I did not hear the Fox in the lower part of the Fox band ; but I was able to hear the Hounds baying . My strategy was to go up and see if I could hear the " High Fox " and I did hear John K4BAI picking off Hounds and handing out pelts at a rapid clip . After much calling , John 's fabulous ears picked me out . I guess it was too close for him to hear ; but 4RN ( the 4th Region traffic net ) was in full swing and covered him up pretty well . Luckily , due mainly to the K2 's excellent filtering , I was able to hear him and he was able to hear me - exchange completed and pelt # 1 was in the bag . The other Fox was Dave N0IT in Missouri . As I didn 't hear him at all early on , I wasn 't expecting much . However , his furry little head popped out of the QSB and I was able to snag him on my second or third call . Pelt # 2 in the bag ! Again , both Foxes were heard louder on , and were worked with the Butternut HF9V . I spent a little time looking up antenna articles on the Web and will soon decide between a Windom or the 88 ' EDZ as my replacement wire antenna . The longer leg of the Windom would be about 85 feet . I just might have enough room between the maple tree and the house to accommodate that . This weekend , I 'll have to have my son Joey accompany me to the backyard with the tape measure to do some figuring . Planning a new antenna is always fun ! I was able to put a decent amount of time on the radio today , interspersed among other chores and duties . So far , I have been keeping my New Year resolution for getting on the air more . I am way ahead of last year 's pitiful QSO tally . 15 Meters was open nicely today and I had the pleasure of working W5KCM , Randy down near Ft . Worth , TX . We had a small ragchew and Dick was using his Yaesu at the 5 Watt level and had a very nice 579 signal into NJ . Later on in the afternoon , I heard Paraguay absolutely booming into NJ ; but before I could get a QSO in , the band dropped out - just like that ! I snagged FM5LD on Martinique on 20 Meters . I have worked Philippe several times before and he always puts a good signal into NJ . For the rest of the afternoon , I just band hopped , listening here and there ; and calling CQ here and there , having QSOs here and there . I finished up by working Mert W0UFO as 6JSS / 0 on 20 Meters before coming upstairs to get dinner going . A cool tool for seeing where your signals are being heard is the Reverse Beacon Network . This is a network of receiving stations that have CW Skimmer implanted and are constantly skimming the HF bands , worldwide . You can go to the site , plug your own call sign into the query tool and find out just where you are being heard . Tonight , I had a nice QSO on 30 Meters with Mike KØMDS in Kansas . You might recall from a blog entry that I made close to two weeks ago that it was Mike who was my contact as K6JSS / 0 from Kansas . That QSO was tough . This one was a lot easier and was quite enjoyable . Mike answered my CQ and we went back and forth for a couple rounds before the band changed and propagation disappeared . I was hanging out on 30 Meters tonight as there 's a RTTY contest and 40 Meters is quite bad . There are RTTY signals down almost to 7 . 030 MHz , which was pretty unthinkable back in the mid 90s . Back then , the digital enthusiasts tried to stray no lower than 7 . 060 or perhaps 7 . 050 MHz at the lowest . That " gentleman 's agreement " seems to have gone out the window or perhaps down the toilet , might be a better expression . The HF9V served me well again tonight . Mike was a 449 and he gave me a 549 . We both compared notes about the amount of snow on the ground and we both agreed wholeheartedly that we can 't wait until spring . I am anxiously planning the take down of the G5RV and replacing it with an 88 ' EDZ , as mentioned before . I will have to place an order for one of those ladder line grabber devices so that I can homebrew the antenna when time comes . I have a 4 : 1 current balun kit down in the basement that I better get started on , too . I will probably need it . K6JSS / Ø will leave Minnesota tomorrow night and will become K6JSS / 7 in Arizona . The Arizona effort will be headed up by Tom AC7A , who is a fine QRPer and is also very well known in Fox Hunting circles . In fact , Tom mentioned after the Thursday night hunt , that he was using his newly acquired Ten Tec Eagle . That is one fine looking rig ! I am hoping that the receiver will facilitate Tom 's being able pull my weak signal out of the aether some time next week . The way 40 Meters has been going so long lately , that may end up being the band of choice . I am very fortunate to live only a few miles away from the site where Edison perfected the electric light in Menlo Park . Menlo Park is not a town unto itself . At the time , it was just a part of a larger town which was known as Raritan , NJ - named after the largest river in our area . Raritan was renamed " Edison " after the inventor 's death and now Menlo Park is just a neighborhood of Edison , NJ . There is a memorial tower and a tiny museum there . The actual buildings which made up TAE 's Menlo Park laboratory were moved down to Florida after his death by his good friend Henry Ford . The National Park Service maintains the Edison Laboratories in West Orange , NJ as a National Historical Landmark . I have been there a few times and it 's a very interesting place to visit . It was there that Edison perfected the phonograph and did his early pioneering work in movie making . His movable stage is located there and you can see it still today . The stage was on a circular or oval track which allowed it to be moved so that it was always in the direct sun for best lighting . Some of Edison 's original batch of electric lamps still burn there . They have been refilled with inert gas and are run on DC so as to make them last . The memorial tower at Menlo Park is currently closed to the public as it has fallen into disrepair . The good news is that private funds have been raised and a refurbishment project is underway . It should be reopened in a few years for public viewing and the tiny museum is also going to be renovated and made substantially larger . Back in the mid 90 's the Piscataway Amateur Radio Club held a special event station right on the tower grounds . It was super cool to visit the museum when it was open . There was a visitor guest book there and it was fantastic to see the signatures and addresses of all the folks from foreign countries who came to see the spot where the electric lamp was perfected . Almost as cool as looking through QSL cards ! " Thomas Edison in 1883 noticed that electrical current flowing through a light bulb 's filament could make the wire so hot that electrons boiled off , sailing through the vacuum inside the light bulb to a metal plate that had positive charge . Because Edison didn 't see any way the phenomenon would help him perfect the light bulb , all he did was to make a notation of the effect , which he named as the Edison Effect . The Edison effect remained on the shelf until 1904 , when a former employee ; inventor John Flemming went to work for Marconi Radio Company ! John Flemming first assignment was to find a better way to receive radio signals . Flemming began experimenting with the Edison effect . He discovered that radio waves passing through an airless tube created a varying direct current , which could be used with headphones to reproduced the sound carried by the waves . " From that point , the vacuum tube was developed , which was the building block of all radios until the invention of the transistor ( also developed in New Jersey , by the way ) . On a personal Ham Radio note - more progress has been made with Ham Radio Deluxe . I finally figured out how to rename the Custom Fields ; and it was just as easy as everyone stated . The only thing is that I didn 't realize that you had to have the very latest version to be able to do that ! I had been using version 2494 . Tonight , I downloaded and installed version 2837 and that little problem was taken care of . I am using version 5 , and for whatever reason the export option " ADIF + HRD " still wasn 't moving over the data for " Custom Field 1 " . So I took Andy K9CHP 's suggestions and used them with a little twist . Instead of using the backup function , I am just making a copy of the database file " HRD My Logbook " which is the . mdb file ; and am copying that to Dropbox . Then I simply copy that to the " HRD Logbook " file on each computer and all three agree ! And , the " Custom Field 1 " data doesn 't disappear . This procedure of copying the main logbook database file and then just setting it in place using Windows Explorer isn 't new to me . That 's how I used to share data between computers back when I was using Log - EQF and then Win - EQF . Back in those days , I used to keep the data on a 3 . 5 inch floppy . We 've come a long way in such a little time ! Since I am not that computer savvy , I had no idea that there was such a thing as Dropbox . What a neat feature ! For those of you who are like me and don 't know about it , let me explain . You go to www . dropbox . com and you install the software on each of your computers and then you set up an account . If you do not desire more than 2 GB worth of storage , it 's free ( that magic word , again ! ) . Then you place the files you want to share between your computers into the Dropbox folder . When you go to any of your computers , and look in your Dropbox folder , that file will be there until you delete it or move it . The same thing as using a USB memory stick ; but without the hardware . Really , really cool . As far as the 40 Meter Foxhunt goes for tonight - I am afraid it 's going to be a night de skunk . Tom KV2X is way too close to me in NY state to be heard . I 'm not getting a read on Jim N0UR in Minnesota , either . I am hearing stations from Cuba and France with NO problem whatsoever , though . The band is way long tonight ; and I doubt that I will be able to bag even one skin tonight , except perhaps for a skunk skin . Looking forward to the weekend if I can get through one more day of work unscathed , with my hide intact . Next weekend , guys , is the ARRL 's International DX Contest - CW portion . For those of you who are trying to finish up DXCC , this is a good opportunity . A lot of points hungry DX stations will have their ears peeled - especially Sunday towards the latter phase of the contest . This is primetime for QRP stations to be heard . And that Monday following is the Presdent 's Day holiday , so you get an extra day to rest up after a big weekend of playing radio . 2 ) I keep my log on three different computers - the shack laptop , the netbook and the main family computer . I made a few entries last night and dutifully recorded my rig / antenna combo as I talked about in Question 1 . I exported the ADIF file from the shack laptop as a ADIF + HRD file . This should have recorded all the information in all the fields . After importing said file into the netbook , I found that the " Rig / Antenna " info didn 't carry over . What 's up with that ? I 'm sure I must have done something incorrectly . I am hoping I did something incorrectly . If this is a quirk of the program , then I 'll end up sticking with AC Log . I 'd like ALL my logbook info to be on each computer . It looks like a great idea and I 'll have to get one of these ! I currently use a tube that extends the pendulum to slow down my Vibroplex Original to a more comfortable sending speed for me . This is much more elegant ( as the video states ) . I sure hope that Rich plans to offer these in the near future . I 'd PayPal for one of these in a heartbeat ! After coming home from a Knights of Columbus meeting , it occurred to me that it was 80 Meter Foxhunt night . 80 Meters has not been a quiet band for me this winter - lots of QRN and hash . I decided to give it a go , anyway . I got into it late at around 02 : 40 UTC , so the main rush had petered itself out . First , I heard Andy K1RA making exchanges and sending " UP " , so up I sent ! Within a few minutes at 02 : 42 UTC , he came back to me with a 559 report and we completed our exchange . Next , on to find the other Fox - Drew K9CW . He was even easier as he was a loud 579 into NJ . One call and WHAM - in the bag ! That was completed at 02 : 45 UTC - two Foxes within three minutes . I have not had such a quick hunt in maybe three or four years . And with the way band conditions have been this winter , this is one of the few " 2 - fers " that I have had in a while , too . Again , oddly enough , both Foxes were louder on the Butternut than the wire , so that is what I used to snare them both . I really have to do something new wire - wise this spring ! And I also need to lay down more radials for the HF9V this year , also . Ahhhhh . . . . . . . antenna work - it 's never done ! As an aside , if you 've never tried QRP , the Foxhunts are a great way to get started , if you are so inclined . It 's not a contest ; but more like trying to break a DX pileup . The rules are very simple and can be found here . There 's still quite a few hunts before the season ends . C ' mon . . . . . it 's fun ! You should give it a try - I 'd be willing to bet a donut that you 'll have a blast ! And in the process you 'll learn a lot about your equipment and improve your operating skills at the same time . Thanks to the excellent ears of Scott N0AR , K6JSS / 0 from Minnesota is in the books . I had a heck of a time working him and got a 229 , thanks to the efforts on his end . I ended up using the Butternut HF9V , which I rarely use on 80 Meters , preferring to use the G5RV . Scott 's signal into NJ was much louder on the Butternut ; so that is the route I took . His signal was a good 559 with QSB . This concerns me as the wire was always better on 80 Meters . I think this confirms my suspicion that this antenna has seen much better days and needs to be replaced this spring . I will probably replace it with the venerable 88 ' EDZ which seems to be one of W4RNL 's all time favorite backyard antennas . The footprint is smaller than the G5RV , and I should be able to fit it in the backyard without having to zig - zag the wire . I have plenty of window line and plenty of wire . I 'll have to build a balun to transition the window line to coax to feed to the shack . The other possibility is a Carolina Windom . Using my maple tree as a center anchoring point , the run from the tree to the house is longer than from the tree to the mast across the yard . I think that would also fit with no problem whatsoever and would make good use of the different lengths that are available to me . I guess you could call me un - American ; but I am not a big fan of football . The game is on and I am typing this . My father - in - law was a huge Steelers fan while he was alive ; so if there 's any allegiance , I guess it 's that . Every now and then I am hearing my wife shriek from the other room as she cheers on her dad 's team . I , on the other hand , am a HUGE baseball fan . For me , the Super Bowl means that it 's only a few weeks until pitchers and catchers report to Spring Training . I managed to get some more " on air " time today and worked a few stations on 40 and 20 Meters this afternoon . I worked WA1SKQ , Rich in Cranston , RI as well as AB7JK , Kim in Largo , FL and finally KB0BWY , Bill in Ramsey , MN . That last QSO bodes well as K6JSS / 0 leaves Kansas and becomes K6JSS / 0 from Minnesota this week . Minnesota has always been a " pipeline state " for me - always very easy to work , so maybe K6JSS won 't be as quite as big a struggle this week . It was funny during the QSO with Bill , though . Band conditions changes as we were QSOing and it was like someone pulled a window shade down on Bill . He went from 569 to nil in a matter of seconds . Then the QSO was over . I sent my 73 and my call to keep it legal ; but I severely doubt that it made it to the other end . I also downloaded and have been playing around with Ham Radio Deluxe version 5 this afternoon . I thought it was going to be snail slow on the laptop in the shack , but so far it has been only tolerably slow . Considering that Dell was designed when Windows 2000 was in vogue , that 's not bad at all . On the main computer and the new netbook , it is as slick as icy rain in January . So the sequence of computerized logging programs has been from Log - EQF to Win - EQF , to AC Log and onto Ham Radio Deluxe . I am not sure if I will abandon AC Log and move over to HRD for good , but it 's fun to play with in the meantime . It is relatively easy to use even early on . I suppose once I get used to it , it will be even easier to use . It has a lot of nice features , looks nice and best of all , is free ! What true blue Ham wouldn 't get excited about the " free " part ? I like having the DX Cluster window right beneath the log window . Not that I use the DX Cluster to chase DX stations ; but it 's nice to see what other Hams are hearing and where they are hearing it . It gives you a good idea as to how the bands are working at any given time . As a QRPer , I have found that if the DX has made it to the cluster , the chance of being heard grow slimmer and slimmer as the post gets older and older . A QRPer 's best chances are when the DX first comes on the band , before they are spotted . That 's why we fans of low power have to be vigilant and good listeners . The world map with the delineation of day / night is cool too . That magical time of grayline propagation is easier to see with that display . The first time I worked Australia as a Novice was via grayline propagation . I 've been a big believer of that path ever since . Having all these tools available on one screen is very nice . Of course , there 's no such thing as a free lunch ; and HRD has it 's drawbacks , too . Since it 's a more complicated program , it 's not as fast as AC Log . In particular , importing ADIF files takes quite a bit longer . Also , there are more keystrokes involved ; but after I get used to the program , this might be a small price to pay for all the added features . The weather this afternoon turned out to be as dismal as promised - maybe even more dismal than promised ! The kids and I went grocery shopping late this morning . When we went into the store it was drizzling - when we got out of the store it was drizzling . When it was time to transfer the grocery bags from the car to the house it started raining in earnest and was just plain miserable . It was a day where you could feel the cold and wet all the way , deep down into your bones . My " Summer Station " was on the air . I was using my Bulldog clip paddles , and headphones along with a Booster - oo audio amplifier ( which these old ears find most helpful ) . I didn 't use the AA0ZZ keyer , I just manually called " CQ FYBO " instead . The power source was a 12V SLA battery which had been charged via a solar panel . If I end up sending in my score , at least I can qualify for the " alternate power source " bonus . In all , I made seven FYBO QSOs and had a couple of nice random ragchews in between . The contact I envied the most was Bob N4BP who was giving out 82F ( 28C ) as his FYBO temperature part of the exchange . It was 58F ( 14C ) in my basement ! I know I was confusing people as one or two expected a NJ temperature in the 30s . So when I was asked for the temperature a second time , I would send " 58F INDOORS " . The stations I worked were N4BP , VA2SG , WQ0RP , WA2DAC , N8KBG , AE8M and WD8RIF . Anyone that I heard with the PFR - 3A , I was able to work . It was nice using it again and " rediscovering " its ins and outs . The odds of W2LJ going outside to operate are VERY slight . The backyard is a sheet of ice and I really don 't care to risk much valued equipment or life and limb ( got my priorities straight , right ? ) on the glazed over snow . I don 't know . . . . somehow envisioning my painstakingly built K1 or PFR3A covered with freezing rain , sleet and snow just doesn 't send thrills running up and down my spine . If it was going to be sunny and dry , I 'd consider it , but when you step on the snow and it sounds like glass breaking , you know it 's not particularly Ham friendly outside . So I 'll probably just sit in the basement for a bit and will hand out points . I 'd be willing to be that my basement temperature will be colder than some outdoor temps in Arizona , California or Florida ! SERIOUSLY , though ( all humor aside ) . . . . . . . . as the rules state , this is supposed to be a fun contest and not an episode of the Discovery Channel 's " Survivor Man " . Please use your noggin and common sense and avoid frostbite , hypothermia and other cold related injuries ! 72 de Larry W2LJ In the " Golden Age " of Ham Radio , things were harder . The testing procedure was different . In most cases , if you wanted to take an Amateur Radio test , you had to travel to an FCC Field Office to take the exam under the watchful eye of a hard core professional test giver . After you passed your test , you had no place like HRO or Amateur Electronic Supply where you could dial up an 800 number , whip out your credit card and have a new rig delivered to you in a matter of days . You had to " roll your own " as it were ; or save up your hard earned cash for whatever was available " du jour " . It was not uncommon to scavenge parts from discarded radios , cars and whatever to homebrew a rig that put out just a few Watts in order to communicate with the world . Not that it couldn 't be done ; but it wasn 't as " easy " or elegant as it is today . On the other hand , today we have it made . . . . . right ? There are ample opportunities to take an Amateur Radio exam just about anytime and any place that you want . We have computers to aid us in studying Morse Code and the exams themselves . There are places on the Web where you can take practice exams as many times as you want , until your confidence level is at 1000000 % . Today we have rigs that will practically let you contest or operate almost without you having to be there . The bells and whistles have developed to the point where Hams from years ago couldn 't have even envisioned them . The latest IcoYaesWood radio will almost walk your dog for you , if you ask it politely . On the other hand . . . . . . we have enough RFI pollution where sometimes it is impossible to find a quiet band on which to operate . There are enough wireless gadgets , plasma TVs , thermostats , furnaces , CFLs , etc , that make so much hash that you just want to scream about the 40 over 9 QRN that is covering up that DXpedition that you so much wanted to put in the log . Today , there are enough HOAs , covenants and other difficulties in place that make even thinking about putting up an outdoor antenna a traumatic event . Years ago , no one really gave you a second look when you ran a wire from your trees to your house . Unless you screwed up their TV reception , no one cared what you did in your house , on your property . So who has it better ? The Hams of old who had more " primitive " equipment ; but had seemingly more freedom , quieter bands and plentifully populated bands to operate on ? Or the Hams of today , who have more opportunity , better equipment , better resources - but who have to suffer with more inherent QRN , and when the bands are quiet for a change - can call CQ for an hour because there 's no one on ? This post isn 't meant to stir up a hornet 's nest or start a big debate - just to let you know about some things I 've been thinking about on the ride to and home from work . So , did " they " have it better ; or do " we " have it better ? When it comes right down to it , it 's probably a wash . Mike K0MDS posted on QRPSPOTS that he was going to be on the air as K6JSS / 0 this evening from 0100 unit 0200 UTC . The first half hour was spent on 40 Meters and I heard NOTHING ! For the second half hour , Mike is calling CQ on 80 Meters at 3 . 561 MHz . Here , I can just barely hear him - 339 at best ! I can hear him work quite a few stations quite easily . Maybe it 's just propagation , maybe it 's the storm that 's plaguing 3 / 4 of the country tonight . Maybe New Jersey is stuck in the middle of an RF hole . . . . . . . wait a minute ! Persistence pays off again as Mike 's wonderful ears pulled me out of the muck ! How this QSO took place is a thing of amazement . There are plenty of times that QRP signals are as loud as any QRO signal ; but not this time . This QSO was a testament to K0MDS and his fantastic skill . Thanks , Mike for pulling a tiny 229 signal out of the aether ! By the way , tomorrow is Groundhog Day . Unless Mr . Groundhog has an ice pick on him , I don 't think he 's coming out of that hole , much less see his shadow . While the rest of the country seems to be getting snow out of this monster storm - we 're getting ice . Oh , it 's going to be lovely trying to get into work tomorrow ! It is some years since I last tried optical communications . This has been because of my poor health . 481THz is * easy * : all gear was home made and test gea . . . Today 's guest post was written by Scott Westerman , W9WSW , the ARRL Public Relations Committee Chair . Thanks , Scott ! In my days as a radio broadcaster , on . . . With low SFI nowadays the best band is 40 meter . I fired up WSPR this morning to see what I can do . I decided to use " QRO " 5 watts . ON4CDJ Patrick mentio . . . Answers to the top 10 questions at Field Day , with questions omitted ( and with 5 bonus answers ) : 15 . Snakes . 14 . Yes , I still hear the interference . 13 . . . . * You often read or hear that every PL259 connector on your coax adds 0 , 5dB loss . This might be the truth on UHF and higher . But on HF / VHF that 's not the ca . . . I received my confirmation card in the mail yesterday afternoon . Many thanks to MOZ for a great contact on the 30 meter CW band . MOZ was using a 2 elemen . . . Activity has been limited to local contacts . Less than 1000 miles from my QTH on the Brittany Coast . Some strong signals , but not as many as before . As co . . . I really enjoy CW , it 's my preferred mode . However , it 's not just the mode I enjoy , but the different tools of the trade . There are paddles , straight keys , . . . Lately , I 've been thinking more and more about how the K2 is not going to be available for ever . As a literal statement , it is obviously true . I suppose it . . . Finally found a guy to do my tree trimming in the backyard . The trees were encroaching on my antenna so I couldn 't rotate the beam anymore . Solution came i . . . Roughly translated , it means , " that 's life " And so it is . I called CQ for about an hour . I know my signal was getting out there : Once I knew that I had a new callsign , I sat down a wrote down a list of what I needed to do … ( 1 ) QRZ . com website . When my callsign changed a few years bac . . .
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Thank you to Angela , for this opportunity to join in her prayers , and those of all the others on Fearless Friday . Your prayer intentions are in my heart . If you would like me to pray for you , please leave a comment , or send me an email at thorns dot lily at gmail . com . Today I am feeling thankful for a few good turns in our lives this week . 1 . We have had a few breaks in our finances this last week . Nothing overwhelming , but things that I am so grateful for , and which we really needed . 2 . Mr . Thorns had 3 interviews this week ! 3 . St . Anthony helped me find my way home when I was lost ! ! On my heart to pray for today : 1 . All the unemployed . 2 . A couple getting married tomorrow , M & A . 3 . A couple married last weekend , D & R . 4 . My daughter who started a new job this week , and her special guy who never ceases to amaze me . 5 . My children who are still sick , though Bananas is recovering , she is not full form , and for Boo who went down yesterday . 6 . For the health of my friend and her son , who I will be starting this novena for , again , on Sunday . Please feel free to join us in praying for J and his health , and for his family . 7 . For all the other intentions on my heart and in the hearts of others . My favorite new - to - me author this week is Beth Fantaskey . Jessica 's Guide to Dating on the Darkside was her debut novel , and she surprised me with both the plot and the quality of her writing . She has recently released Jekel loves Hyde , and there is a sequel to Jessica 's Guide upcoming . She writes YA , and she is adorable in her pics . In her list of facts about herself she says she has been fired once , and she is the mother of two children , both five years old , who are not twins . This week I finished both Beth Fantaskey 's book , and The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society . Welcome to the hop ! Go check out the new rules on Crazy For Books . Thanks for stopping by . I know , you are thinking , " Did she say lost roads ? " Yup , that is what I said . Lost roads . Yesterday I went to visit The Oldest , because I altered a dress she is wearing to a wedding this weekend . In case you don 't remember , she lives in another state , three hours away . I had a lovely afternoon with her . We were even were able to catch a soccer game her special guy played in , and I was able to enjoy a brief visit with a friend I haven 't seen in a while . It was nice to have my daughter to myself for a little while , which is a rarity in a large family : ) . After the game , and a brief visit with my favorite futbolista , I was headed home . Every time I leave my daughter 's town , I leave from a different location . One soccer field or another , a restaurant , or from her apartment , but with the road work going on I have often managed to lose myself right in her town . Not this time , her special guy gave me perfect directions and I found my way to familiar turf . This is where I lost myself this time . Somehow , I took a wrong road when I came off the highway . Unbelievably I ended up in the middle of nowhere , in fact , I was 4 miles beyond the ends of the earth , as someone said to me just last night . ( Now , if I could only say it in Spanish . . . lol ) . I started to panic . Then I remembered St . Anthony , the finder of lost things . I thought , " Why not roads " and I prayed to St . Anthony to help me find my lost route . I was only half way home at this point . Immediately after praying this , literally in the middle of nowhere with no street lights , houses or buildings , I round a corner and find this lone gas station , all lit up and OPEN at 11 : 00 p . m . I go inside to find a very pleasant man , with a soothing voice and calming presence behind the counter . I told him I managed to get myself entirely lost . He started to give me directions , then pulled out a pen and drew me a map . He explained what landmarks I would see on the way , how long it would take me to get from point A to point B to point C , so I would not be needlessly worried . Then he said , herePosted by I loved Scooby Doo as a kid . One of the first DVD sets we bought was Scooby Doo , and all of the children love the show . Now , poor little Bananas has been sick for almost two full weeks , and we have been watching a Scooby Doo marathon for the last 4 days ! She and I are watching now , while the rest of the children are out to their summer activities . After watching for 4 days straight she is still laughing ! Today I am grateful for Scooby Doo and the smiles he is bringing to my sick little girl . Today is the 20th anniversary of the signing , by George H . W . Bush , of the People with Disabilities Act . This article explores the how attitudes have changed , and how far we still need to go . A moving article . Some of my favorite people have disabled bodies , but brilliant minds and sparkling personalities . I saw this with my mother , people thought because her body was broken , so was her mind . I see this in the nursing home where I work , residents discounted or pitied because they have various disabilities . People give up on others because they are uncomfortable . This article says that attitudes will change when children have an opportunity to feel comfortable around disabled people : I don 't think most parents purposely instill discrimination in their children . Ithink it 's just that most young children are not exposed to anyone withdisabilities and therefore lack the familiarity that makes them comfortablearound someone different from them . Parents need to look foropportunities to introduce their children to community members withdisabilities , laying a foundation for inclusion , acceptance and friendship . Well , now , isn 't that easy enough ? How hard is it to perform random acts of kindness for disabled people we encounter ? How difficult is it to seek out friendships ? Maybe in honor of today 's anniversary , you could join me in a pledge to cultivate relationships between our children and the disabled . If you think you do not know anyone , call the ARC or the CP foundation . Tell them you read the article linked above , and you want to do your part to make your children comfortable around disabilities , and aware of the needs of the disabled community . Tell them you want to cultivate friendships , and ask them to recommend someone who would welcome the friendship of your children , because you want it to be a positive experience for all involved . Then , follow through with regular visits , letters , and phone calls . Build those relationships and do your part toward making the future better , through your children . Are you with me ? God Posted by I have decided to participate in Fearless Fridays , a prayer day for all intentions . If you have any intentions on your heart I will pray for you . List your intentions in the comments . If you would like to participate also , join the Linky over at Angela 's blog : Free Spirit Haven . This week I am praying that my husband gets a job . He has been unemployed for 13 months , and it has been the hardest 13 months of our lives , most especially the last 7 weeks . I am praying for my daughter , who is in another state , going to college , maintains an apartment , cares for a kitty cat , takes care of more than she should at her age , and is starting two new jobs . I am also praying for the special young man in my daughter 's life , who works so hard ( full time ) , is a college student , manages and plays for a semi - pro soccer team , and much more . Also on my heart this week is Sweet Mary , who has had more than her share of health troubles . My Bananas , she has been pretty sick all week . A certain family who has a wedding coming up , and is always in my prayers for health and happiness . Extra prayers for the couple to be married that their lives are filled to overflowing with health , happiness , security , and love , lots and lots of love . For all the unemployed everywhere , who struggle in innumerable ways , some ways no one wants to voice , because there just are not jobs out there . Look at this article about just how many are unemployed out there . For Angie and all her prayer intentions , and all who join the meme this week . And lastly for all those who have intentions they wish to keep in their hearts but need prayers regardless . If you would like me to pray for you , please add your intention into the comments below . 7 - 22 - 10I am moving this up from the 16th to keep it near the top of my blog because I am getting more interest than I had expected ! ! If you are interested , there is still time . Please read through all of the information below . Yes the iTouch is completely free , but it is free when you sign up for a course . . . read on . . . and get back to me if you are interested ! ! ! Today in my email box I found a way to get a free iTouch , though I 'm not eligible I thought I would pass it along . There is , of course , a catch , but one you may be okay with . If you are interested in Medical Transcription , the school I am attending , online , is top notch . I started this class to help with the family finances , from home . I am a mommy first and foremost , and this going out to work is not good for me or my children . However , my husband has been out of work for more than a year , therefore I am putting a back - up plan in place . A friend of mine took this class a few years ago , and was easily able to obtain a position working from home . She is making good money and contributing to her family 's bottom line . It has been a blessing to her ; therefore , I decided to give it a go . The school is offering a free iTouch to anyone who signs up before July 31 . If you are interested , send me an email and I can give you more information , or leave a comment here , with how to reach you . I moderate all comments and will not publish one with any private information , such as your email address or contact information . Dang , wish I was eligible , I would not mind having one of those things : - ) UPDATE : I 've had some interest in this , who is next ? Are you ? Send me a note ! ! Pen and Paper : WHAT AN EXCUSE . Did you know that shopping receipts contain a hazardous chemical ? I certainly did not ! ! I am passing this information along as I know some of you will really want to read this . I think it is worth looking into ! ! When I think of how many times I have looked over a receipt whilst eating , how many are in my bag next to snacks or gum , how many are left in the bottom of shopping bags , next to produce . . . it sickens . Who knew ? ? ? Go look at this post , she writes a funny post , but underneath her humor there is a real issue . . . It has been a couple of weeks since I last participated , I 've been busy with studying : ) . Here is what I finished and reviewed in the last week or so : The Sweetness at the Bottom of the PieLoved it . The Lighter Side of Life and DeathHmmm , read the review ! Olive KitteridgeThis one surprised me ! What I 'm reading now : The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie SocietyThis has been on my reading list for a while , and the book club at the library is reading it this month . I am never able to participate in their discussion as it is always while I am working , but I am often interested in their books . There were just so many copies sitting in the " Hold " cabinet that I just helped myself ! The Teenage Liberation HandbookSubtitle : How to quit school and get a real life and education . I 'm a home educator , and I 'm intrigued . I hope I have time to read it before it is due . The Masked MonkeyA Hardy Boys Mystery that I promised my little monkey I would read to her , as a read - aloud . The Big Book of the Berenstain BearsA read aloud with my 6 - year - old . I 'm sure there are more . . . I am also continuing my studies , and I am knee deep in summer camp , swim lessons , tween summer activities , All - Star baseball season . Oh , and did I mention , my two little girls have either Coxsackie virus or Strep ? I haven 't decided which yet , though I am leaning towards strep : / blech . To join the meme . Joining the hop again this week over at Crazy for Books ! Click on the link and check out how to play along ! This week 's question is what book are you just dying to get your hands on ? Any of the classics I haven 't read ( which , of course , are numerous given the number out there ! ) but I suppose I would have to say the next Flavia de Luce mystery , since I just finished reading the first one . Posted by The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie by Alan Bradley is one of the most engaging mystery novels I have read in a long time . The heroine is 11 - year - old Flavia deLuce who lives on her family 's estate in England . This is a huge , old , English manor house , which has been in the family for generations . Flavia is steeped in her family 's history just by living in that house . The year is 1950 . Her mother passed away when she was very young , therefore , Flavia has no memories of her . She lives with her two teenage sisters , an old gardener who suffers with spells since The War , and her father , the Colonel , a heartbroken man who , is a philatelist , and would rather spend time with his stamps than with his girls . They also have a cook who spends much of the day preparing food for the family . What is most interesting about Flavia is her love of chemistry , and especially poisons . She is rather remarkable for an 11 - year - old girl in that she found a chemistry book in the family library , started to read it , and fell in love with the formulas . She is thrilled by how chemistry can explain so much about life . One of her ancestors was a chemist , and had a fully stocked laboratory in the house . Flavia spends a lot of time replicating the experiments she reads about , and concocting a few of her own , such as distilling the poison out of poison ivy . She then melted down her sister 's lipstick , and added the essential oil from the poison ivy into the cosmetic . She then observed her sister , making notes in her lab notebook , and waited for a reaction to the poison . The mystery occured when Flavia decided to go outside around 4am and tripped over a man in the cucumber patch . She knelt beside the man to look at his face and witnessed his last breath . The man says , " Vale " and puffs a last gasp that has an odor which Flavia identifies as a familiar chemical compound , though she cannot quite remember which one . Most people , especially 11 - year - old children , would be frightened by this event . Not Flavia ; instead , she considers this to be the most fasPosted by Written by : C . K . Kelly Martin This is a YA novel , and it was a very quick read . I have mixed feelings about this one . This is a coming - of - age novel about Mason , a 16 - year - old high school junior , and his wild hormones . In one crazy two hours he loses his V - status with Kat , a girl he has crushed over for the last two years , one of his best friends . She had lost her boyfriend because she would not give up her V - status , and in an unguarded moment friendship consensually crossed the line . They were both willing , both caught up , and she had some wild guilt and regrets afterwards . We go along with Mason through the last 3 months of his junior year , it starts with that one , exciting yet regrettable , two hours of his life . The story continues as within a week of this event , Mason 's life is turned upside down when his father 's fiancee , her 13 - year - old daughter , and her 6 - year - old son move in with them , have a housewarming / engagement party which brings Colette to his house . Colette is 23 and intrigued by our protagonist , who is a hormonal teen and of course cannot believe his good luck ! Without being a spoiler , the rest of the book explores all of the changes in Mason 's life , with Kat and Colette , his new stepfamily , and the effect the two girls have on his life as a whole . What I did not like about the book is the overly salacious details given about his time with each of the girls , and I think I saw a bit too much of a teenaged boy 's hormonally driven thoughts . Now , granted , I am not the target audience for this book . As a mother of a teen boy and a teen girl , and younger children as well , I am put off by the descriptions . I thought they were too much for a YA book . What I did like about this book is the fact that ( though it scares me a bit ) almost all teens will relate to it . The hormonal urges and the effort to control those urges , which can be difficult . I also liked how the reprecussions for a moment of abandon are well illustrated . I think the torment Kat suffers , as well as Mason 's reaction , are quite plausible , anPosted by I am so excited and I thank Booksnob because this looks like a fabulous magazine ! It is from a small press in the Midwest , and is filled with all sorts of book love , I can 't wait to receive the first issue . I won a year 's subscription ! ! So happy birthday to Booksnob , who ran the giveaway as part of her birthday celebration , and a big thank you to her daughter who pulled my name out of a hat ! Go check out her blog ! I love both the name ( I consider myself a bit of a book snob ) and the subtitle " A woman who reads what she wants regardless of popular opinion . " A kindred spirit for sure ! Thanks again Booksnob : ) This book was a unique book in that there are many different people whose stories are presented in the various chapters , and somehow they all involve Olive . No matter how small the mention , she has effected someone in each of the short stories . This novel is set in a small , coastal town in Maine . At first I could not figure out just how it was that a book called Olive Kitteridge could have so very little to do with Olive herself . Rarely do I read much analysis before starting a book , so I did not realize ahead of time that there are 13 connected stories within the book , where Olive is the connection . By the end of the book , I was attached to Olive , I wanted to hug her and bring her home - baked treats to share over coffee . I think she is a person who is often misunderstood , but has a heart of gold if you are willing to take the time to look beneath the crusty exterior . I know people like this , do you ? The book reinforces a principle I try to live by : If I think I really do not like someone I make an effort to get to know them better . If I still do not like them , well then , at least I have tried . But let me tell you , I can count on one hand the people I really do not like . Olive teaches us that we can never know the impact we have on someone , how even a simple statement or action have have great effect . She also illustrates how easy it is to build walls up around yourself , walls so thick they cannot be penetrated , and no one can hear your heartbeats from within . Olive 's story is one which deserves a long , leisurely read , and I will read it again . She has so much to teach about life , love , regret , relationships , and the demands we make on others . I wonder how many Olive 's are out there , and what we could learn , if we only took the time to notice . Contained within are stories about a small town and its residents . There is the story of the pharmacist , his clerk , a lounge singer , a podiatrist , a former beauty queen ( Miss Potato Queen ! ) and her family , a kleptomaniac , the mother of a murderer , and more . If you haven 't read hPosted by Social Platforms : To be transliterate today , and in the future , you must be familiar with , and comfortable using , different social platforms . Many feel that social platforms are a waste of time . They can be , but think through history , and look at how every technological advance was predicted to have a negative impact on education and health . Bobbi Newman pointed out in the seminar referenced in Part I of this series , that the printing press was spoken out against because people feared relying on the written word would allow people to get lazy about memorizing important things . They could just read information in a book , and would not feel the need to memorize . Then the radio , it was feared , would take away from reading and study time . . . and so on . Now with computers , there is so much information out there , we can suffer from information overload . This is where the real value of social platforms lies . Through social platforms we can filter and monitor so much more information . Let 's take a quick glance at the different platforms out there : 1 . Blogs . Well , we all know what they are , and we have fun writing them . Some are used merely for journaling , others are news - oriented , many are topical . I love to read book blogs , and to know what everyone is reading out there in the world . When I spot a trend , I mention it to the librarian in charge of collections . When you find blogs offering information you are interested in , there are tools to track them , such as Google Reader to help you follow blogs . 2 . Microblogs . Twitter is the most famous of the microblogging platforms . I discussed Twitter here . Microblogging could be described as hit and run blogging ; short little snippets of information are offered to readers . There are often character limits , so microbloggers are pithy . Other platforms have microblogging features built in , such as Facebook status updates . The power of microblogging is just beginning to be understood . 3 . RSS stands for Really Simple Syndication . It is essentially a way to broadcast your information to a Lily Sign up here . I love this week 's twist which Jennifer from Crazy For Books threw in there . . . Tell us your NAME and WHY YOU STARTED BLOGGINGMy name is Lily and I started blogging when my friend Mary , over at Against All Heresies , suggested I start a blog to keep record of my writing . She was so encouraging to me . I 've gotten a bit away from the original purpose of my blog , as life got in the way . Instead of spending my leisure time writing , I spend more time studying and working . I almost let my blog grow cold and idle , until Sweet Mary over at Mary Bennett prompted me earlier this year to write again . Despite my overcrowded schedule I still read quite a bit , so I 'm more of a book blog , with some of life mixed in . Thanks for stopping by the hop and I cannot wait to read what started everyone else blogging ! ! I was so busy this week , I have not had any time to even post or visit many blogs all week ! We are most excited because The Oldest is coming home for her birthday this weekend . . . her 18th birthday ! ! It is a real milestone ! She has accomplished so much this year . She graduated high school a year early , just before her 17th birthday . She spent this year away at college , where she maintained a 3 . 9 average , while working , caring for a kitty cat , maintaining an apartment , and she has a wonderful bf . So we are making our preparations for her birthday , while I 'm working and studying , hubby is busy with applications and interviews . All - star practices have started for Boo . Next week is not looking any more relaxing as summer camp starts for the youngest 3 , Tween activities start for Tiger , and The Big Guy starts his summer job as a swim instructor . Guess what I will be doing ? Yup , running the kids to all of these activities whilst trying to maintain my jobs and school work . But , this is all good , it is what life is supposed to be in a large family : ) . If you think of it , we could sure use some prayers that hubby gets this job on Friday ! So , happy 4th of July to all of my bloggie friends , and I hope to have some books to report on soon . . . too busy to get much reading done . I am currently studying to be a Medical Transcriptionist , a work - at - home career . This is a job that will allow me to set my own hours while working for companies that pay well and provide benefits to their workers . The most important thing to me is to be able to stay at home with my children . If you are interested , email me for more information . Click here to get started .
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Thank you to Angela , for this opportunity to join in her prayers , and those of all the others on Fearless Friday . Your prayer intentions are in my heart . If you would like me to pray for you , please leave a comment , or send me an email at thorns dot lily at gmail . com . Today I am feeling thankful for a few good turns in our lives this week . 1 . We have had a few breaks in our finances this last week . Nothing overwhelming , but things that I am so grateful for , and which we really needed . 2 . Mr . Thorns had 3 interviews this week ! 3 . St . Anthony helped me find my way home when I was lost ! ! On my heart to pray for today : 1 . All the unemployed . 2 . A couple getting married tomorrow , M & A . 3 . A couple married last weekend , D & R . 4 . My daughter who started a new job this week , and her special guy who never ceases to amaze me . 5 . My children who are still sick , though Bananas is recovering , she is not full form , and for Boo who went down yesterday . 6 . For the health of my friend and her son , who I will be starting this novena for , again , on Sunday . Please feel free to join us in praying for J and his health , and for his family . 7 . For all the other intentions on my heart and in the hearts of others . My favorite new - to - me author this week is Beth Fantaskey . Jessica 's Guide to Dating on the Darkside was her debut novel , and she surprised me with both the plot and the quality of her writing . She has recently released Jekel loves Hyde , and there is a sequel to Jessica 's Guide upcoming . She writes YA , and she is adorable in her pics . In her list of facts about herself she says she has been fired once , and she is the mother of two children , both five years old , who are not twins . This week I finished both Beth Fantaskey 's book , and The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society . Welcome to the hop ! Go check out the new rules on Crazy For Books . Thanks for stopping by . I know , you are thinking , " Did she say lost roads ? " Yup , that is what I said . Lost roads . Yesterday I went to visit The Oldest , because I altered a dress she is wearing to a wedding this weekend . In case you don 't remember , she lives in another state , three hours away . I had a lovely afternoon with her . We were even were able to catch a soccer game her special guy played in , and I was able to enjoy a brief visit with a friend I haven 't seen in a while . It was nice to have my daughter to myself for a little while , which is a rarity in a large family : ) . After the game , and a brief visit with my favorite futbolista , I was headed home . Every time I leave my daughter 's town , I leave from a different location . One soccer field or another , a restaurant , or from her apartment , but with the road work going on I have often managed to lose myself right in her town . Not this time , her special guy gave me perfect directions and I found my way to familiar turf . This is where I lost myself this time . Somehow , I took a wrong road when I came off the highway . Unbelievably I ended up in the middle of nowhere , in fact , I was 4 miles beyond the ends of the earth , as someone said to me just last night . ( Now , if I could only say it in Spanish . . . lol ) . I started to panic . Then I remembered St . Anthony , the finder of lost things . I thought , " Why not roads " and I prayed to St . Anthony to help me find my lost route . I was only half way home at this point . Immediately after praying this , literally in the middle of nowhere with no street lights , houses or buildings , I round a corner and find this lone gas station , all lit up and OPEN at 11 : 00 p . m . I go inside to find a very pleasant man , with a soothing voice and calming presence behind the counter . I told him I managed to get myself entirely lost . He started to give me directions , then pulled out a pen and drew me a map . He explained what landmarks I would see on the way , how long it would take me to get from point A to point B to point C , so I would not be needlessly worried . Then he said , herePosted by I loved Scooby Doo as a kid . One of the first DVD sets we bought was Scooby Doo , and all of the children love the show . Now , poor little Bananas has been sick for almost two full weeks , and we have been watching a Scooby Doo marathon for the last 4 days ! She and I are watching now , while the rest of the children are out to their summer activities . After watching for 4 days straight she is still laughing ! Today I am grateful for Scooby Doo and the smiles he is bringing to my sick little girl . Today is the 20th anniversary of the signing , by George H . W . Bush , of the People with Disabilities Act . This article explores the how attitudes have changed , and how far we still need to go . A moving article . Some of my favorite people have disabled bodies , but brilliant minds and sparkling personalities . I saw this with my mother , people thought because her body was broken , so was her mind . I see this in the nursing home where I work , residents discounted or pitied because they have various disabilities . People give up on others because they are uncomfortable . This article says that attitudes will change when children have an opportunity to feel comfortable around disabled people : I don 't think most parents purposely instill discrimination in their children . Ithink it 's just that most young children are not exposed to anyone withdisabilities and therefore lack the familiarity that makes them comfortablearound someone different from them . Parents need to look foropportunities to introduce their children to community members withdisabilities , laying a foundation for inclusion , acceptance and friendship . Well , now , isn 't that easy enough ? How hard is it to perform random acts of kindness for disabled people we encounter ? How difficult is it to seek out friendships ? Maybe in honor of today 's anniversary , you could join me in a pledge to cultivate relationships between our children and the disabled . If you think you do not know anyone , call the ARC or the CP foundation . Tell them you read the article linked above , and you want to do your part to make your children comfortable around disabilities , and aware of the needs of the disabled community . Tell them you want to cultivate friendships , and ask them to recommend someone who would welcome the friendship of your children , because you want it to be a positive experience for all involved . Then , follow through with regular visits , letters , and phone calls . Build those relationships and do your part toward making the future better , through your children . Are you with me ? God Posted by I have decided to participate in Fearless Fridays , a prayer day for all intentions . If you have any intentions on your heart I will pray for you . List your intentions in the comments . If you would like to participate also , join the Linky over at Angela 's blog : Free Spirit Haven . This week I am praying that my husband gets a job . He has been unemployed for 13 months , and it has been the hardest 13 months of our lives , most especially the last 7 weeks . I am praying for my daughter , who is in another state , going to college , maintains an apartment , cares for a kitty cat , takes care of more than she should at her age , and is starting two new jobs . I am also praying for the special young man in my daughter 's life , who works so hard ( full time ) , is a college student , manages and plays for a semi - pro soccer team , and much more . Also on my heart this week is Sweet Mary , who has had more than her share of health troubles . My Bananas , she has been pretty sick all week . A certain family who has a wedding coming up , and is always in my prayers for health and happiness . Extra prayers for the couple to be married that their lives are filled to overflowing with health , happiness , security , and love , lots and lots of love . For all the unemployed everywhere , who struggle in innumerable ways , some ways no one wants to voice , because there just are not jobs out there . Look at this article about just how many are unemployed out there . For Angie and all her prayer intentions , and all who join the meme this week . And lastly for all those who have intentions they wish to keep in their hearts but need prayers regardless . If you would like me to pray for you , please add your intention into the comments below . 7 - 22 - 10I am moving this up from the 16th to keep it near the top of my blog because I am getting more interest than I had expected ! ! If you are interested , there is still time . Please read through all of the information below . Yes the iTouch is completely free , but it is free when you sign up for a course . . . read on . . . and get back to me if you are interested ! ! ! Today in my email box I found a way to get a free iTouch , though I 'm not eligible I thought I would pass it along . There is , of course , a catch , but one you may be okay with . If you are interested in Medical Transcription , the school I am attending , online , is top notch . I started this class to help with the family finances , from home . I am a mommy first and foremost , and this going out to work is not good for me or my children . However , my husband has been out of work for more than a year , therefore I am putting a back - up plan in place . A friend of mine took this class a few years ago , and was easily able to obtain a position working from home . She is making good money and contributing to her family 's bottom line . It has been a blessing to her ; therefore , I decided to give it a go . The school is offering a free iTouch to anyone who signs up before July 31 . If you are interested , send me an email and I can give you more information , or leave a comment here , with how to reach you . I moderate all comments and will not publish one with any private information , such as your email address or contact information . Dang , wish I was eligible , I would not mind having one of those things : - ) UPDATE : I 've had some interest in this , who is next ? Are you ? Send me a note ! ! Pen and Paper : WHAT AN EXCUSE . Did you know that shopping receipts contain a hazardous chemical ? I certainly did not ! ! I am passing this information along as I know some of you will really want to read this . I think it is worth looking into ! ! When I think of how many times I have looked over a receipt whilst eating , how many are in my bag next to snacks or gum , how many are left in the bottom of shopping bags , next to produce . . . it sickens . Who knew ? ? ? Go look at this post , she writes a funny post , but underneath her humor there is a real issue . . . It has been a couple of weeks since I last participated , I 've been busy with studying : ) . Here is what I finished and reviewed in the last week or so : The Sweetness at the Bottom of the PieLoved it . The Lighter Side of Life and DeathHmmm , read the review ! Olive KitteridgeThis one surprised me ! What I 'm reading now : The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie SocietyThis has been on my reading list for a while , and the book club at the library is reading it this month . I am never able to participate in their discussion as it is always while I am working , but I am often interested in their books . There were just so many copies sitting in the " Hold " cabinet that I just helped myself ! The Teenage Liberation HandbookSubtitle : How to quit school and get a real life and education . I 'm a home educator , and I 'm intrigued . I hope I have time to read it before it is due . The Masked MonkeyA Hardy Boys Mystery that I promised my little monkey I would read to her , as a read - aloud . The Big Book of the Berenstain BearsA read aloud with my 6 - year - old . I 'm sure there are more . . . I am also continuing my studies , and I am knee deep in summer camp , swim lessons , tween summer activities , All - Star baseball season . Oh , and did I mention , my two little girls have either Coxsackie virus or Strep ? I haven 't decided which yet , though I am leaning towards strep : / blech . To join the meme . Joining the hop again this week over at Crazy for Books ! Click on the link and check out how to play along ! This week 's question is what book are you just dying to get your hands on ? Any of the classics I haven 't read ( which , of course , are numerous given the number out there ! ) but I suppose I would have to say the next Flavia de Luce mystery , since I just finished reading the first one . Posted by The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie by Alan Bradley is one of the most engaging mystery novels I have read in a long time . The heroine is 11 - year - old Flavia deLuce who lives on her family 's estate in England . This is a huge , old , English manor house , which has been in the family for generations . Flavia is steeped in her family 's history just by living in that house . The year is 1950 . Her mother passed away when she was very young , therefore , Flavia has no memories of her . She lives with her two teenage sisters , an old gardener who suffers with spells since The War , and her father , the Colonel , a heartbroken man who , is a philatelist , and would rather spend time with his stamps than with his girls . They also have a cook who spends much of the day preparing food for the family . What is most interesting about Flavia is her love of chemistry , and especially poisons . She is rather remarkable for an 11 - year - old girl in that she found a chemistry book in the family library , started to read it , and fell in love with the formulas . She is thrilled by how chemistry can explain so much about life . One of her ancestors was a chemist , and had a fully stocked laboratory in the house . Flavia spends a lot of time replicating the experiments she reads about , and concocting a few of her own , such as distilling the poison out of poison ivy . She then melted down her sister 's lipstick , and added the essential oil from the poison ivy into the cosmetic . She then observed her sister , making notes in her lab notebook , and waited for a reaction to the poison . The mystery occured when Flavia decided to go outside around 4am and tripped over a man in the cucumber patch . She knelt beside the man to look at his face and witnessed his last breath . The man says , " Vale " and puffs a last gasp that has an odor which Flavia identifies as a familiar chemical compound , though she cannot quite remember which one . Most people , especially 11 - year - old children , would be frightened by this event . Not Flavia ; instead , she considers this to be the most fasPosted by Written by : C . K . Kelly Martin This is a YA novel , and it was a very quick read . I have mixed feelings about this one . This is a coming - of - age novel about Mason , a 16 - year - old high school junior , and his wild hormones . In one crazy two hours he loses his V - status with Kat , a girl he has crushed over for the last two years , one of his best friends . She had lost her boyfriend because she would not give up her V - status , and in an unguarded moment friendship consensually crossed the line . They were both willing , both caught up , and she had some wild guilt and regrets afterwards . We go along with Mason through the last 3 months of his junior year , it starts with that one , exciting yet regrettable , two hours of his life . The story continues as within a week of this event , Mason 's life is turned upside down when his father 's fiancee , her 13 - year - old daughter , and her 6 - year - old son move in with them , have a housewarming / engagement party which brings Colette to his house . Colette is 23 and intrigued by our protagonist , who is a hormonal teen and of course cannot believe his good luck ! Without being a spoiler , the rest of the book explores all of the changes in Mason 's life , with Kat and Colette , his new stepfamily , and the effect the two girls have on his life as a whole . What I did not like about the book is the overly salacious details given about his time with each of the girls , and I think I saw a bit too much of a teenaged boy 's hormonally driven thoughts . Now , granted , I am not the target audience for this book . As a mother of a teen boy and a teen girl , and younger children as well , I am put off by the descriptions . I thought they were too much for a YA book . What I did like about this book is the fact that ( though it scares me a bit ) almost all teens will relate to it . The hormonal urges and the effort to control those urges , which can be difficult . I also liked how the reprecussions for a moment of abandon are well illustrated . I think the torment Kat suffers , as well as Mason 's reaction , are quite plausible , anPosted by I am so excited and I thank Booksnob because this looks like a fabulous magazine ! It is from a small press in the Midwest , and is filled with all sorts of book love , I can 't wait to receive the first issue . I won a year 's subscription ! ! So happy birthday to Booksnob , who ran the giveaway as part of her birthday celebration , and a big thank you to her daughter who pulled my name out of a hat ! Go check out her blog ! I love both the name ( I consider myself a bit of a book snob ) and the subtitle " A woman who reads what she wants regardless of popular opinion . " A kindred spirit for sure ! Thanks again Booksnob : ) This book was a unique book in that there are many different people whose stories are presented in the various chapters , and somehow they all involve Olive . No matter how small the mention , she has effected someone in each of the short stories . This novel is set in a small , coastal town in Maine . At first I could not figure out just how it was that a book called Olive Kitteridge could have so very little to do with Olive herself . Rarely do I read much analysis before starting a book , so I did not realize ahead of time that there are 13 connected stories within the book , where Olive is the connection . By the end of the book , I was attached to Olive , I wanted to hug her and bring her home - baked treats to share over coffee . I think she is a person who is often misunderstood , but has a heart of gold if you are willing to take the time to look beneath the crusty exterior . I know people like this , do you ? The book reinforces a principle I try to live by : If I think I really do not like someone I make an effort to get to know them better . If I still do not like them , well then , at least I have tried . But let me tell you , I can count on one hand the people I really do not like . Olive teaches us that we can never know the impact we have on someone , how even a simple statement or action have have great effect . She also illustrates how easy it is to build walls up around yourself , walls so thick they cannot be penetrated , and no one can hear your heartbeats from within . Olive 's story is one which deserves a long , leisurely read , and I will read it again . She has so much to teach about life , love , regret , relationships , and the demands we make on others . I wonder how many Olive 's are out there , and what we could learn , if we only took the time to notice . Contained within are stories about a small town and its residents . There is the story of the pharmacist , his clerk , a lounge singer , a podiatrist , a former beauty queen ( Miss Potato Queen ! ) and her family , a kleptomaniac , the mother of a murderer , and more . If you haven 't read hPosted by Social Platforms : To be transliterate today , and in the future , you must be familiar with , and comfortable using , different social platforms . Many feel that social platforms are a waste of time . They can be , but think through history , and look at how every technological advance was predicted to have a negative impact on education and health . Bobbi Newman pointed out in the seminar referenced in Part I of this series , that the printing press was spoken out against because people feared relying on the written word would allow people to get lazy about memorizing important things . They could just read information in a book , and would not feel the need to memorize . Then the radio , it was feared , would take away from reading and study time . . . and so on . Now with computers , there is so much information out there , we can suffer from information overload . This is where the real value of social platforms lies . Through social platforms we can filter and monitor so much more information . Let 's take a quick glance at the different platforms out there : 1 . Blogs . Well , we all know what they are , and we have fun writing them . Some are used merely for journaling , others are news - oriented , many are topical . I love to read book blogs , and to know what everyone is reading out there in the world . When I spot a trend , I mention it to the librarian in charge of collections . When you find blogs offering information you are interested in , there are tools to track them , such as Google Reader to help you follow blogs . 2 . Microblogs . Twitter is the most famous of the microblogging platforms . I discussed Twitter here . Microblogging could be described as hit and run blogging ; short little snippets of information are offered to readers . There are often character limits , so microbloggers are pithy . Other platforms have microblogging features built in , such as Facebook status updates . The power of microblogging is just beginning to be understood . 3 . RSS stands for Really Simple Syndication . It is essentially a way to broadcast your information to a Lily Sign up here . I love this week 's twist which Jennifer from Crazy For Books threw in there . . . Tell us your NAME and WHY YOU STARTED BLOGGINGMy name is Lily and I started blogging when my friend Mary , over at Against All Heresies , suggested I start a blog to keep record of my writing . She was so encouraging to me . I 've gotten a bit away from the original purpose of my blog , as life got in the way . Instead of spending my leisure time writing , I spend more time studying and working . I almost let my blog grow cold and idle , until Sweet Mary over at Mary Bennett prompted me earlier this year to write again . Despite my overcrowded schedule I still read quite a bit , so I 'm more of a book blog , with some of life mixed in . Thanks for stopping by the hop and I cannot wait to read what started everyone else blogging ! ! I was so busy this week , I have not had any time to even post or visit many blogs all week ! We are most excited because The Oldest is coming home for her birthday this weekend . . . her 18th birthday ! ! It is a real milestone ! She has accomplished so much this year . She graduated high school a year early , just before her 17th birthday . She spent this year away at college , where she maintained a 3 . 9 average , while working , caring for a kitty cat , maintaining an apartment , and she has a wonderful bf . So we are making our preparations for her birthday , while I 'm working and studying , hubby is busy with applications and interviews . All - star practices have started for Boo . Next week is not looking any more relaxing as summer camp starts for the youngest 3 , Tween activities start for Tiger , and The Big Guy starts his summer job as a swim instructor . Guess what I will be doing ? Yup , running the kids to all of these activities whilst trying to maintain my jobs and school work . But , this is all good , it is what life is supposed to be in a large family : ) . If you think of it , we could sure use some prayers that hubby gets this job on Friday ! So , happy 4th of July to all of my bloggie friends , and I hope to have some books to report on soon . . . too busy to get much reading done . I am currently studying to be a Medical Transcriptionist , a work - at - home career . This is a job that will allow me to set my own hours while working for companies that pay well and provide benefits to their workers . The most important thing to me is to be able to stay at home with my children . If you are interested , email me for more information . Click here to get started .
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He came shuffling down the sidewalk every afternoon that summer at 4 : 30 , when the sun began to crest above the buildings , dousing the entire block in a blinding , ethereal light . He wore bright plaid shorts and a lime green bowling shirt ; his hair cotton - white , puffed out in giant tufts from beneath an old Yankees cap that seemed permanently affixed to his head . Pulling a small red cooler that rattled and bumped behind him , he walked toward the front stoop , passing the windows of the old widow who sat knitting in her darkened living room and the tall , bald man whose legs were bloated and scabbed . He whistled and hummed songs from another time and another place until he arrived at the stoop and sat on the top step , parking his cooler to the left , beside the dead flowerbeds . It was late June of 1977 , the beginning of a summer that , for New Yorkers , would eventually become known as the " Summer of Sam , " named after the notorious young serial killer , Son of Sam , who terrorized the city by hunting and killing young couples nestled in their cars . We were living in a large , depressing , six - story building in Jackson Heights , Queens , where a slow , halting elevator constantly got stuck and a raging garbage incinerator spewed black smoke into the sky . The majority of the tenants were cranky , old and sick , and they loathed us , " the rotten , noisy latchkey kids . " A handful of them spent their days hiding behind their window curtains , their tired , recessed eyes spying on us , occasionally yelling for us to " get the hell off the property . " We just laughed at them . I remember the three of us - Owen , Abby and I - scrawny and scraggly , our ten - year - old bodies always filthy and sweating and scraped from hours of running in playgrounds strewn with dirt and broken glass , playgrounds where the metal slides and swings got so hot that they burned the backs of our thighs . Our hair was overgrown and needed washing and our clothes were stained and threadbare . But we didn 't care . We were held together by sets of house keys and a quiet emptiness that comes from mothers who spent all day at menial , low - wage jobs and then came home too tired and too late to do anything but sit and weep into cupped hands over deadbeat husbands who had disappeared long ago . His name was Mr . Lewis , but we called him the " Ice Cream Man " because it sounded better , and to us , that 's what he was . We found him sitting on the stoop one afternoon , about a week after school ended , when the temperatures began to soar . Silhouetted against the brightness of the sun , the smoke rings curling from his mouth , he reminded me of the hookah - smoking caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland . Instead , we gathered on the stoop and listened to his stories . He told us that he lived alone in a small apartment on the fourth floor of an adjacent building . Some months before , his wife , Ruth , had died . " Just like that , she went to sleep and never woke up , " he said . " But she 's not really dead . She visits me sometimes at night . She sits on the edge of the bed in a blue dress and talks or sings to Little June . Her voice is still beautiful . " " No . It doesn 't work that way , " he said , turning toward the cooler . " Only if the person is a child , like June , then you can call them , and maybe they will come . " But , truth is , he clenched the handle tighter not for leverage but to try to stop his hand from shaking - " effects of too much booze , " he joked . It didn 't matter ; the tighter he gripped , the more his hand seemed to shake . Yet even with the shaking , there was something captivating in the way he dug the scooper into the ice cream and , with one fluid motion , pulled it toward him , and just like that the ice cream would curl into itself , forming a neat little ball . " See , " he would say , his face swelling with childlike delight as he held up the scooper , showing us the ball . " It 's perfect , " he would add , placing it on an old - fashioned Keebler sugar cone and drizzling it with colorful sprinkles until it resembled a Fourth of July sparkler . I remember hesitating to take a bite , feeling somewhat guilty about ruining the symmetry and the seamless array of colors adorning the ice cream . But in that mid - summer heat , my throat and mouth parched , impatience won out and aesthetics fell to the wayside : Nothing compared to the sensation of that first lick , that feeling when the sugary crystals , cool and sweet , melted on my tongue . Once he had served us our cones , he made one more " for June " - whose story we would learn some weeks later - and placed it on the ground beside him . Then , he closed the cooler and opened his flask : In the cracked and faded picture that he showed us one stifling day , little June is sitting in the grass holding a teddy bear with a missing eye and smiling at the camera . Her hair , golden and sun - kissed , is parted to the side with a tiny clip in the shape of star . Loose curls dangle , grazing her shoulders and framing her face , which is smeared with chocolate ice cream . Her joy is infectious . But it 's her eyes that command the picture . Almond - shaped , they are dark and piercing , serious , like her father 's , drawing you in , daring you to hold their gaze . For a long while , I looked at the picture of the little girl , frozen in time , eternalized by the delicately handwritten words on the back : My Junie , Central Park , May , 1935 . I found something comforting in seeing that she once existed , whole , with her face unmarred and her body intact . Only when I had seared her image into my memory , did I hand it to him . Taking four or five long swigs , he set the flask down and lit a cigarette . He dragged hard and began the story of little June who , one glorious September morning , accidentally fell out the window of their fourth - floor apartment . He said that she slipped , probably trying to feed the birds in the tree , " because she liked to do that , feed the birds . She loved birds . " Ruth left her alone for only a minute - " one minute , " he said - to shut the teakettle screeching on the stove ; when she came back she didn 't see her . She called to her - " June , June ! " - and looked everywhere in the apartment . But she knew she wasn 't there . She knew something bad had happened , " because June was a good girl . She always listened . " When she couldn 't find June in the house , she leaned on the windowsill in the living room and looked down . And there she was , lying there on the ground , her body soaking in a pool of blood . She opened the door and screamed and screamed , and all the neighbors came out and chased her down the stairs , calling her name : " Ruth , Ruth ! " No one knew why she was screaming , until they reached the bottom of the staircase and opened the back door . Snuffing out the cigarette , he picked up the flask , tilted his head back and guzzled . He waited a few minutes until the liquor hit his bones , then continued . It was a neighbor 's boy who came to get him from the shop where he fixed shoes . " Mr . Lewis , " the young boy said , bursting through the open door . " There 's been an accident . You must come home now . " But the boy didn 't tell him anything else . His mother had told him not to say anything . " He didn 't have to say it . I knew it was June . I just knew . " Sweat snaked down his brow , and his eyes were blazing . His face , normally placid , suddenly seemed to crumble under the weight of memory , under the burden of a grief that held him for forty - two years . He breathed heavy and hard , and in the alleys of his eyes , I saw the tears : " When she visits me at night , she is not bloody and broken . She is perfect , like the June in the picture , with her golden hair and pretty face . " She doesn 't always come , but when she does , she sits on the edge of the bed , holding her bear who had a missing eye . But now he has two . Sometimes she tells me about a little boy who swings her on a swing and sometimes she asks me why I told her she could fly . ' Papa , ' she says , ' why did you tell me I could be like the birds ? And why did you put me in the fire ? ' I tell her that we cremated her because we didn 't want anyone to see her like that , because I couldn 't see her like that , because I wanted to carry her in my pocket . But I don 't know why I told her that little girls could fly . They can 't . I know that . " He drew a breath and made a strange sound , a kind of deep yelp , something barely human and began to twist the hem of his plaid shorts with his crooked fingers . " She is not broken , not broken , " he repeated over and over , his voice a mere whisper . " Little girls can 't fly . They can 't fly . Right Abby ? Right ? " I turned away from him and began watching a line of ants scurrying up the steps . And that 's when I noticed the cone he made for June . It was lying sideways , the ball of ice cream now melted , the colorful sprinkles dissolving like a dying rainbow into the concrete . After that day , he never talked about her again ; it was like she never existed . Instead he regaled us with wild tales of tiny gnome - like men who had rows and rows of teeth and lived in the walls and liked to hide behind washing machines . Owen liked those stories more than the ones about Ruth and June and other dead people whose shadows roamed this world , but I didn 't . I found them terrifying . At night I would picture the little men running through the walls and the ventilation system , eventually crawling out from the floorboards like hungry roaches . When I wasn 't thinking about the gnome - men , I was thinking about June . I often imagined her on that mid - September day , hearing the trilling of the birds and looking out the window . I imagine she saw them hopping from branch to branch and wanted to reach them . I could almost picture her tottering on the windowsill , spreading her arms and thinking she would soar through the liquid blue sky and land gently on a branch . I wondered if she had time to realize that she wasn 't flying but falling . Of all us , Abby paid most for Selma 's meddling : Her mother grounded her , and she spent the rest of the summer watching us from her window . Owen 's mother , like mine , ignored her ; to them , she was a " revolting woman . " For Owen , it really didn 't matter how his mother reacted , because he had grown tired of the Ice Cream man 's stories . " I don 't believe in ghosts or any of that ghost shit , " he told me . " The dead are dead . " Then , one hazy evening in late August , after he told me that Ruth had been sick for many years , he stumbled down the stoop and began shuffling up the block , whistling , " I 'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy , " because his beloved Yankees had just moved into first place in the American League East . Midway down the block , by the old widow 's window , he stopped and glanced back at me . He looked tired . I waved at him , and he tipped his hat and turned back around . I stood there watching him and his cooler growing smaller and smaller , until he slipped around the corner and disappeared into the waning sunlight . Maria Smilios is a writer living in Astoria , Queens . She is currently at work on a series of essays about being a kid in the late 1970s . You can follower her on twitter at @ MariaSmilios . Harinder Singh will never forget his trip to Italy in 2002 . Singh , then 33 , and his wife , Kirandeep Kaur , 29 , were eating ice cream as they explored the sights and sounds of Florence . The streets were crowded , a blur of people and textures and smells . At first glance , the couple blended in with the other tourists of the city : two people in love , eager to travel the world and appreciate a new culture . Then they heard the students ' jeers : " Bin Laden ! Bin Laden ! " " Oh my God , " Singh said to his wife in shock . But instead of walking away , the couple approached the children . Singh told them that they were from India and practiced a religion called Sikhism . " Me and my wife started talking about our first guru , the revolution , our faith , we touched on Punjabi music and they knew Punjabi music so we got a lead there , " Singh says with a laugh . " That very moment was an exam for us . We decided we should do something about our identity since there 's no awareness . " Immediately after their visit , on the seven - and - a - half hour flight from Italy to India , Singh began the initial sketches for what he describes as the first Indian clothing brand dedicated solely to Sikhism and Punjabi culture . Fifteen years later , that concept - called 1469 , in honor of the birth year of the first Sikh guru , Nanak Dev - has expanded into a million - dollar company with international reach . They have five stores in New Delhi and in Punjab , an Indian state bordering on Pakistan that is the heart of the Sikh community . Standing in their 1469 shop in Delhi , the couple talk about the idea behind their business . " People in Delhi feel that if I speak Punjabi , I am backwards and not modern enough , " says Kaur , dressed in a light green sari , gold bracelets dangling off her arms . " To keep in touch with your roots , you need to know your mother tongue . I feel we are losing the pride . " Scarves and saris in turquoise , pink and yellow hues line the walls of the shop , located in Delhi 's Janpath Market , one of the city 's best - known shopping areas . Tables are scattered with metallic jewelry and small sculptures , patterned bags and calligraphy accessories . Upstairs , the walls are filled with various t - shirts , many of which display Punjabi phrases , musical instruments and Sikh symbols . Punjabi culture is one of the oldest in India ; the region has a rich legacy of poetry , music , food and art - in addition to being the birthplace of Sikhism . The Punjab was unified under the Sikh Empire in the nineteenth century , until the British annexed the region in 1849 after the Anglo - Sikh wars , administering the region as a province of its Indian empire until Partition in 1947 , when the independent states of India and Pakistan were established . Punjab was divided , with Hindus and Sikhs fleeing to India while Muslims moved to Pakistan . Kaur described the partition of 1947 as a shattering experience for the Punjab , creating social , religious and regional divides . She feels Punjabi art and culture took the biggest blow . Today , their brand aims to reinvigorate that rich culture . Singh 's clothing didn 't always center on Punjabi culture . He got his start in the world of fashion after graduating from the University of Delhi in 1988 . He says he noticed that most t - shirts sold in India came from abroad - Thailand , Hong Kong , South Korea - and were of dubious quality . A year later , Singh started his own clothing company , Uni Style Image . He claims it is one of the first t - shirt companies in India 's history , and over the years partnered with major clothing labels across the world . In 2002 , after over a decade with the company , grueling hours and time spent away from his wife and three children , Singh decided to leave to pursue other endeavors . At the time , he had no idea he would eventually return to the fashion world as a pioneer of a wholly new concept centered on Sikhism and Punjab . But Singh also asserts he wouldn 't have it any other way . He describes being born into a Sikh family as a blessing . These routes once snaked through the towering woods of Appalachia , before they were lost to history . Lamar Marshall has spent a decade painstakingly mapping them , and their rich history . Lamar Marshall cannot make it over the log . It lays across a small creek somewhere in the Nantahala National Forest outside Cowee , western North Carolina , as a bridge . His problem is a bruised knee , caused by a bang against his home firewood cord . Standing in front of the thick trunk , seeking another way across , he explains that while this particular log was not laid by ancient Cherokees , it does resemble the way they would fell logs to get across creeks like this . " They called ' em racoon bridges , " he explains . If anyone would know this , it 's Marshall . The former land surveyor , electrical engineer , and Alabamian anti - logging activist ( in that order ) , is the world 's foremost expert on ancient Cherokee trails . At 68 he 's stocky , with a soft , even face , like a meatier Billy Bob Thornton , and long eyelashes . He speaks softly , with a southern drawl . In this forest , on a warm late - winter day , he wears spectacles and a hearing aid , but also a camo jacket and pants , a waist - pack stuffed with surveying gear and a pistol . It is often in this appearance , a hunter 's getup , that Marshall has personally mapped well over one thousand miles of Cherokee trails across Appalachia , compiling the mappings into a vast database , complete with historical annotations and Cherokee place names . And his boots are waterproof , he notes , as he carefully fords the creek . There are certain attributes which are common to Cherokee trails . They tend to follow rivers or ridge - lines . They are often steep . Brett Riggs , an archaeologist at Western Carolina University with a specialty in Cherokee landscapes , equates them with a modern highway system in the way that they linked population centers ( some are even replicated in modern roads ) . Horses , introduced to the tribe in the 18th century , were sometimes used , but mostly Cherokees travelled by foot , in soft - soled moccasins . Inside Marshall 's home there are photographs of him as a young man wearing nothing but a loincloth and these moccasins ; he used to sometimes explore the woods of his native Alabama dressed this way . " It was just kind of a fun thing to project myself back into time , " he explains . " I always admired the native lifestyle . Maybe I played cowboys and Indians too much when I was little . I was always the Indians , I know that . " Marshall 's project , a largely independent venture , has taken up nearly a decade of his life . It is no small feat . He has braved wasps , mosquitoes , ticks , chest - high nettles , rainstorms , hypothermia . Much of the routes are so steep that early Europeans avoided them . Though he has no academic credentials , he scours archives across the country for primary source materials that contain mention of the trails . It is an immense labor but he is nonchalant about his motivations . " I love the trails . I love walking on the trails , camping next to the trails . And feeling like right now : what did the first white people see when they came up here ? " Prior to his trails project , Marshall headed a conservation group in Alabama . He is an ardent environmentalist and near militant in his activism . But while his greenie cred would do well by any Greenpeace tree - hugger , Marshall is also a Republican , gun - owning , bear - hunting Creationist . But if the contrast seems odd , in Marshall 's mind protecting God 's work from the nefarious designs of the state might constitute the very essence of American patriotism . " Wilderness to me is the ultimate expression of freedom , " he says . Those who benefit most from Marshall 's efforts are modern Cherokees . His work is funded by the Eastern Band tribe in western North Carolina , to whom all the mapping data will go . It will be used in schools . Riggs , the WCU archeologist , is helping Marshall make the maps interactive , with historical storylines and photos . " This is much more than just trails : it 's the ecology of the trails , the geography of the trails , " he says . " They don 't have this history . They just don 't have it . " Indeed , this is the first time that the trails have ever been compiled into a single source . Marshall also hopes to get some of them protected by the United States Forest Service , who he has collaborated with in the past - the North Carolina state is figuring his trail data into their upcoming forest management plan . Marshall plans to be finished with the whole enterprise in September , when he will hand everything over to the Eastern Band tribe . " This will help them maintain their cultural heritage , " he says . " They 're losing that . " Tom Belt , a Cherokee language expert at WCU who is also Cherokee , describes the project 's impacts on the tribe as unprecedented . Like other native peoples , the Cherokees have long struggled to define their own historical identity and nothing is more crucial to that than landscapes . " It may be a town or a gas station to the United States or the state of North Carolina , " Belt says , " but at one time underneath it might have existed a very extensive culturally - based community that doesn 't exist now . That 's the kind of stuff we wanna know . What was the name of that place ? " Riggs , too , believes that compiling all of this data into a single source will prove empowering for the tribe , especially its young people . It is one thing to have a vague notion that some land was once yours ; it 's wholly another to see it clearly laid out , and how ownership has changed over time . " When you take some place and you rename it you 've asserted that , ' This now belongs to us ' , " he says . " If you can , even on paper , reverse that process so that you make it clear that there was a Cherokee landscape here , it gives Cherokee people a conceptual ownership that in many cases they are currently lacking . " On May 28 , 1830 the United States congress passed the Indian Removal Act . It granted permission to relocate Native Americans living in the east to the unsettled land west of the Mississippi . Some left willingly , but the Cherokee Nation - a collection of affiliated communities extending from Kentucky to Alabama - resisted . Conflict had existed for over a century between the Americans and the Cherokees and by now the federal government had grown strong enough to simply take them away . The eventual expulsion , which lasted from 1838 - 39 , resulted in the death of over 4 , 000 Cherokees . The route over which they headed west is today called the Trail of Tears . Many perished in transit . Today , Cherokees are found in three quasi - sovereign districts in Oklahoma and western North Carolina . But while most of their civilization was wiped out , burned down , built over or abandoned , it was not erased . Vestiges remain for those who know what to look for : graveyards , earthen mounds , houses , tree carvings ; the imprints of a smudged - out , penciled - over peoples . Connecting all of these archeological sites is this vast network of trails , thousands of miles of footpaths trodden over centuries of travel . And to flip through old maps of Appalachia is to witness the shrinking of a nation played out in faded ink . Treaties often followed conflict and , with each one , Cherokee land shrunk ; the younger the map , the less territory is marked as theirs . Events are painfully clear in hindsight . Marshall keeps these old maps in his home office in Cowee , where he moved eight years ago from Alabama . There is a small desk with four desktop computer screens squeezed between boxes of historical documents : traveler journals , survey plats , three - hundred - year - old land deeds . On the wall is a buck head and a sticker that reads , " I Am Not Ashamed Of The Gospel Of Christ . " Over time the maps get better , too . They are more clearly laid out , with properties divided into perfect squares . Text is less flowery and more legible . Topography is defined numerically . There are fewer and fewer Cherokee towns until there are virtually none at all . Most of these maps were produced by the United States army . For Marshall 's purposes , they are critical . It is with these frail maps that he locates trails before setting out into the hard world to survey them . He brings one on every hike . He takes notes as he goes , looking to match his observations with any landmarks mentioned on the maps , and marks landmarks with GPS coordinates . When he gets home he plugs this data into his computer and , using GIS software , constructs digital versions . When a trail 's done , he moves to the next . Marshall traces his fascination with the Cherokees to his childhood in Birmingham ( " I hated the concrete , the development " ) . Survivalist books first exposed him to them . In his eyes , they seemed idyllic . " They didn 't have to go to school . They didn 't have to get a job in corporate America . They lived off the land . They were totally free . " He joined the Boy Scouts . He excelled . At eighteen , " emulating Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn " , Marshall constructed a raft from oil drums . With two friends , he drifted down the Alabama River from Selma to the Gulf of Mexico . Later he would win a state championship for fur - trapping . His childhood Cherokee interest was reignited by an " old mountain man " named Garvin Sanford who , on occasional forays into the forest for edible herbs , would show him abandoned Indian villages . They would follow the trails to get there . For much of early adulthood , Marshall worked as an electrical engineer and land surveyor . With his wife and three children , he built a 3 , 000 - square - foot homestead in Blountsville , Alabama . Construction took nine months . Drinking water came from an outdoor aluminum tank ; one day Marshall found a squirrel decomposing inside . They raised livestock , fished the river , grew produce . When his only son died at 18 from a heart complication , the family moved to a house in Alabama 's Bankhead National Forest . They had 100 acres . Marshall hung a sign that read , " Trespassers will be shot and survivors will be shot again . " And another : " You believe in life after death ? Trespass here and find out . " It was a frontiersman 's existence . For the first five years , they had no electricity . But living in the woods provided Marshall with an intimate view of Alabama 's dimly regulated logging industry , which " nauseated " the lifelong nature lover . He did some digging and discovered how the management plan drawn up by the Alabama Forest Service had been " developed in collusion with the timber industry . " The tipping point for him came when loggers clear - cut a Cherokee sacred site known as Indian Tomb Hollow , decimating a burial ground . In conjunction with a local clan of Cherokees , Marshall and others rallied against the Forest Service , staging protests , making noise . Thus , the conservation group Wild Alabama was born ( it has since expanded and become Wild South ) . For over a decade , Marshall 's conservation group wrote petitions , staged protests , filed lawsuits , delivered public speeches , and published excoriating cartoons in the local newspaper satirizing Forest Service officials . This was his " guerrilla warfare " against corporate " tree racists . " Marshall describes this part of his life like a veteran remembering war . " I envisioned a band of eco - warriors fighting for the last wild places of Alabama . Native American descendants rose up and we kicked ass for over a decade , " he says ( the " descendants " refer to the various tribal organizations which often collaborated with Wild Alabama ; Marshall does , however , claim to have three percent Native American ancestry ) . Wild Alabama 's member pool represented an odd union of hippies , Indians , and rednecks ; with a thick beard , dirty clothes and Cherokee ornaments , Marshall appeared as a hybrid of all three . Outdoor Life magazine called the group " the conservation conscience of a state that has traditionally lacked one . " The group boasted that its members could drink harder and shoot straighter than any naturalists around . Marshall once told a journalist , " Rattlesnakes have got fangs , porcupines got quills , skunks got the sprayer , and God Almighty gave Man the ability to invent the Colt 45 as his defense . " Marshall approaches a huge earthen mound . It is an ancient Cherokee construction which sits in the middle of a wide empty field . Birdsong rings out across it and in the distance are rounded sloping mountains that are powdered white with snow . At the top of the mound , Marshall points down at the grass and says , " This is where the council - house sat . Here 's a depression that they believe was a fire - pit . " From up here it is easy to imagine an earlier Appalachia : wide savannas thick with buffalo , the skies crowded with passenger pigeons , dense groves of chestnut trees , the brilliant red - black flash of an ivory - billed woodpecker - all of these species are extinct or sequestered elsewhere in the country . Savannas are gone . Towns are built over . Words are forgotten . There is a new country here . Marshall , in his camo gear , clutching an old map , sounding wistful , says , " The mountains haven 't changed . " It was a cold morning on the campus of the little Christian college I attended in Western Pennsylvania . Along with about twenty other students , I 'd trundled in and unwrapped my coat and scarf . Now we all sat there sipping our coffees , waiting for the hardest class of the year to get rolling . " This one , " he said , " you may not like . It was written in 1984 , published in ' 85 or ' 86 , and was a reaction against the rise of the religious right - against the values that places like our school stand for . It 's pro - feminist , and anti - complementarian - against traditional gender roles . It sort of parodies what we believe in , in an interesting way . I 'm curious what you 'll make of it . " The story of The Handmaid 's Tale is a fairly simple dystopian one : A young woman is re - educated by the new totalitarian ( and Christian ) government regime to be a childbearing surrogate for the wife of a high - ranking military official . She tells her story after the fact , a narrative recorded on audio tapes found years later in someone 's attic . Her name is Offred , literally of Fred , having no name of her own anymore in this new society . It takes place in the U . S . , post - Constitution , post - democracy , post - liberal humanism . Women are chattel . Religion is god . Order comes above all else . To the average American in 1985 , it seemed pretty far out there , an unlikely vision of future written as a warning . It 's been controversial since it came out , making ALA 's one hundred most banned books list between 1990 and 1999 , but that was because of the sex scenes in it and the way it depicted Christianity . It wasn 't really taken seriously as political foreshadowing . I was raised in a fundamentalist Christian community - the church we attended could fairly be called a cult , and my parents took things a step further than even our church did , homeschooling and raising nine kids . I was the oldest . We were part of a larger movement now called " Quiverfull , " the term taken from a Psalm where the writer talks about God blessing the man whose " quiver is full of arrows . " The metaphor refers to children , and our community understood this to be a command : Have children and raise them in this aggressively conservative faith , and then there will be more " true " believer Christians in the world to bring about cultural revolution in the name of Jesus Christ . Children like me were raised to see life as apocalyptic , and ourselves as serving on the front lines of a culture war to make America Christian . And me , the oldest child in a family of nine ? As was common in the movement , I was my mom 's right hand . She sometimes called me her strength , because I helped her co - parent my younger siblings and keep the household running . When she had twins shortly before my thirteenth birthday , it was me who got up with her during the nighttime feedings , not my dad . When things were too busy on Sunday nights , I took over doing all the family laundry and ironing . And I did the dinner dishes almost exclusively for about 10 years , foregoing activities with my peers at church and in the community because I had too many obligations to fulfill at home . Like Offred , my life 's purpose was subsumed into serving the " greater good " of my far - right Christian community . We were not alone , either . My situation grew out of a larger movement in the conservative Christian community to be more invested in politics and cultural affairs on the national level . This push was led by the " Moral Majority , " a group of Christian leaders founded by Jerry Falwell in 1971 , which sought to take on Washington to bring Christian ethics to bear on policy at a national level . The Moral Majority focused on issues related to their priorities for promoting and protecting traditional family values . They celebrated Ronald Reagan 's presidency and encouraged his refusal to act on the HIV / AIDS epidemic , which was killing thousands , largely because they saw it as fundamentally a judgment from God on the " immoral " behavior of homosexuals . According to historian Rachel Coleman - a Ph . D . candidate at Indiana University , who is also a Quiverfull Daughter and whose research focuses on twentieth century history of childhood , children , and religion - it wasn 't until kids started getting affected and dying from infected blood in transfusions that the issue was seen as valid . As a result , President Reagan eventually did act , releasing a series of PSAs about the epidemic … but these were all focused on kids , the future of the religious crusade for a Christian United States . Also part of this movement was the rise of Operation Rescue , a Christian group that encouraged protest ( and , loosely , some terrorist - style ) tactics against abortion practitioners and those receiving abortion services . In the wake of Roe v . Wade passing in 1973 , the Moral Majority hit on abortion as the issue that would most viscerally and immediately grab the attention of their audience and rally support and action at the grassroots level . We still see this struggle impacting negotiations on the Hill today , as abortion remains an impossibly hot - button issue , regularly derailing policymaking . Shock - and - awe tactics with grisly photos of dead fetuses and terror of increased government oversight on family - related issues drummed up droves of supporters buying into the agenda of the Moral Majority . This collective terror also allowed Phyllis Schlafly and the Moral Majority to lobby successfully against the ratification of the Equal Rights Amendment in 1982 . The United States is one of the last remaining countries in the world without a constitutional clause that protects the rights of women as full and equal citizens with men , and this prevents us from participating in key international coalitions against gender discrimination ( like CEDAW , which we haven 't ratified either ) . The Moral Majority effectively took the United States backwards a century policy - wise - and we still haven 't fully recovered . We 'd chosen to wait initially for a host of reasons , the strongest one for me being that I had been raising kids for the last ten to twelve years of my life and couldn 't see myself having the energy to plunge back into the world of poopy diapers and snotty noses . Two years into our marriage , I 'd had a few pregnancy scares and each time as I waited for my period , I had had nightmares and panic attacks , unable to shake a deep - set terror of being trapped at home with a baby and no life outside the home . I would wake up crying and shaking from a dream about being pregnant , and the next morning he 'd make me coffee and listen to my stories and try to assuage my fears . Speechless , I told him to get out of the car . " I 'm not discussing this , " I said . " There 's no way in hell I 'd bring a kid into this mess if we can 't fix this on our own . " It was our last big fight . We stopped communicating shortly thereafter , and the next time I had a real conversation was at the courthouse after our divorce hearing . He asked me to go to lunch , and I said no . When I ended my relationship to my father shortly after I got divorced , it was because he and I reached a crossroads where he had to choose to treat me according to his religious ideology or to treat me like a human , his daughter , his firstborn . He chose his ideology , and continued to use it to manipulate and mistreat myself and my mother and my siblings . We stopped talking , and I got my first tattoo - a black armband with script , " N . T . B . C . " Don 't let the bastards grind you down . Don 't forget you are human . Don 't forget what you have overcome . Offred never tells the reader her real name - she only says she had another one , once . Under the new regime , her name is that of the man for whom she exists as a birthing vessel . It 's not important , she doesn 't exist as an individual anymore , her life is not her own . When I got divorced , I repudiated the worldview that had been imposed upon me , rejecting a life where I existed only according to my relationship to my father or my husband . I took a new last name , a family name from further back on my grandmother 's side , naming myself to own myself . That was also the year I got my own bedroom for the first time , coming full circle out of a universe where my identity could not exist on its own terms , and carving out for myself a place in the world , a home , a name , a future that was my own to direct . The Quiverfull movement was created for this kind of world . I was raised to be a helpmeet in a world like Offred 's , and watching ( white , middle class ) liberals around me be shocked and unnerved by the election results has been curious for me . Didn 't they know this has been in the works for decades ? I didn 't come out of nowhere , and neither did Trump , and nor did The Handmaid 's Tale . Is ' The Handmaid 's Tale ' a prediction ? That is the third question I 'm asked - increasingly , as forces within American society seize power and enact decrees that embody what they were saying they wanted to do , even back in 1984 , when I was writing the novel . No , it isn 't a prediction , because predicting the future isn 't really possible : There are too many variables and unforeseen possibilities . Let 's say it 's an antiprediction : If this future can be described in detail , maybe it won 't happen . But such wishful thinking cannot be depended on either . It 's the waning moments of my fourth session with a new therapist . I 'm holding back - and she knows it . My entire body feels tense , not ideal for the setting . I try to relax , but the plush leather couch crumples under me when I shift , making the movements extraordinary . I 've barely looked into my therapist 's blue eyes at all , and yet I think the hour has gone very well . Of course it has . On the surface , when the patient has been highly selective of the discussion topics , therapy always resembles a friendly get - together . Back in session three Lori was trying to build my self - esteem , the lack of which is one of the reasons I 'm in treatment . Within the confines of my family , I 've always been the biggest target of ridicule . We all throw verbal darts around as though we 're engaged in a massive , drunken tournament at a bar , but the most poisonous ones seem to hit me the most often , admittedly somewhat a consequence of my own sensitivity . I 've been told it was historically all part of an effort to toughen me up , but instead I was filled with towering doubts about my own worth . And since 2012 , when I gave up a stable , tenured teaching career for the wildly inconsistent life of a freelance writer , I 've had great difficulty trusting my own instincts and capabilities . I told Lori that I wish I was better at dealing with life 's daily struggles instead of constantly wondering if I 'll be able to wade through the thick . Then Lori heightened the discussion a bit . " I also feel that it is your sensitivity that makes you a great catch out there in the dating world , " she said , to which I involuntarily smiled , blushed and quickly buried my chin in my chest . I was too insecure and too single to handle such a compliment from a beautiful woman . " I was hoping to avoid it , I suppose . " I tell her the whole notion of having the hots for a therapist is such a sizable cliché that I was embarrassed to admit it . " For Christ 's sake , " I say , throwing my hands up , " Tony Soprano even fell in love with his therapist . " I take a second to let the red flow out of my face , and ponder what she said . I 'm a little unsure about this whole technique , but the more I think about it , the more it makes sense . So I go home , incredibly turned on and completely unashamed . One of the great breakthroughs I 've had in the thirteen months since I began seeing Lori ( who agreed to participate in this article , but requested that her full name not be published ) is a new ability to accept the existence of dualities in life . For instance , I 've always had a tremendous sense of pride that , if it doesn 't straddle the line of arrogance , certainly dives into that hemisphere from time to time . I 'm great at seeing flaws in others and propping myself up above them by smugly observing my character strengths . I 've never liked that about myself , but the harder concept to grasp is the fact that I can be so egotistical while also stricken with such vast quantities of insecurity . In treatment I came to realize that all people have contradictions to their personalities . There 's the insanely smart guy who can 't remotely begin to navigate a common social situation , the charitable girl who devotes all her time to helping strangers , but won 't confront issues in her own personal relationships . In my case , my extreme sensitivity can make me feel fabulous about the aspects of myself that I somehow know are good ( my artistic tastes ) and cause deep hatred of those traits I happen to loathe ( the thirty pounds I could stand to lose ) . My next session with Lori is productive . We speak about relationships I 've formed with friends and lovers , and how my family may have informed those interactions . One constant is that I put crudely high expectations on others , mirroring those thrown upon me as a kid . I 'm angered when people don 't meet those expectations , and absolutely devastated when I don 't reach them . Lori points out that it must be " exhausting trying to be so perfect all the time . " I am much more comfortable than I was the week prior , and can feel myself being more candid . I 'm relieved that the whole being - attracted - to - my - therapist thing doesn 't come up . " I 'm glad you feel that way , " she begins , " but I think you owe yourself some kudos . This kind of therapy , " she shares , " isn 't something just anyone can take on . " Such honest discussion doesn 't simply happen , it takes tremendous guts , and Lori can see that I am dealing with it relatively well , so I should praise my own efforts . " Because talking openly about sex is risky at any time , much less with a client . " She explains that therapists are warned any semblance of intimacy can be easily misconstrued . " We learn in our training to not personally disclose , for example , " she says , but adds that , occasionally , transparency can be helpful . I 'm confused - Is she really attracted to me or is this some psychotherapeutic ruse ? I 'm frustrated - I told her I didn 't really want to talk about it . Shouldn 't she be more sensitive to my wants here ? I 'm angry - Is she getting an ego boost out of this ? Most of all , I don 't know what the next step is - Am I about to experience the hottest thing that 's ever happened to a straight male since the vagina was invented ? I see what she means . I 'm awfully proud of myself , and it 's OK to be in this instance . I 'm gaining trust in myself , and confidence to boot . But , as the dualities of life dictate , I 'm successfully doing " the work " with a daring therapist , while at the same time not entirely convinced she isn 't in need of an ethical scrubbing . Ten minutes into my first date with Shauna - right about the time she got up from her bar stool and said she was " going to the can " - I knew she would , at the very least , be someone I was going to invest significant time in . She was as easy to talk to as any girl I 'd ever been with , and I found myself at ease . Plans happened magically without anxiety - inducing , twenty - four - hour waits between texts . Her quick wit kept me entertained , and I could tell by the way she so seriously spoke about dancing , her chosen profession , that she is passionate about the art form and mighty talented too . Shauna is beautiful , with flawless hazel eyes and straight dark hair , spunky bangs and a bob that matches her always - upbeat character . She is a snazzy dresser and enjoys a glass of whiskey with a side of fried pickles and good conversation as much as I do . Things escalated quickly , but very comfortably , and since we 'd both been in our fair share of relationships , we knew the true power of honesty and openness . So upon the precipice of my return to therapy I told Shauna about Lori , and admitted to having mixed feelings about what I was getting back into . I told her I was at least moderately uncertain if my mental health was Lori 's number - one concern since she always seemed to find the time to mention my attraction to her . The first two sessions of my therapeutic reboot had gone great . Lori appeared genuinely thrilled that I was dating Shauna and could see how happy I was . I wasn 't overwhelmed with sexual tension in the new meeting room , though it wasn 't actually spoken about , and in the back of my mind I knew it was just a matter of time before it would start to affect my ability to disclose my thoughts to Lori again . " ' I 'm so impressed with you and the work you 're doing … ' " Shauna reads off my phone from inside the living room , inquisitively , and not happily . I stuff the cat food back into the Tupperware and toss it into the refrigerator . I make my way into the living room , angry at myself for not changing the settings on my new iPhone to disallow text previews on the locked screen . Shauna 's walking too , and we meet near the kitchen door . " What 's this ? " she says , holding up the phone . " Your therapist texts you ? " " Don 't do that . " I say , a little more emphatically . " I promise , this is nothing to be worried about . We 're not doing anything wrong . " I explain that Lori 's just trying to build my self - esteem . According to Richmond , one of the primary reasons people seek therapy is because " something was lacking in their childhood family life , " perhaps " unconditional nurturing guidance and protection . " Upon feeling " noticed " and " understood " by a qualified therapist , sometimes a patient can be " intoxicated " by their therapist 's approval of them . A patient may in turn contemplate that a love is blossoming between them , and , in fact , it sort of is . From an ethical standpoint , Richmond argues all therapists are " bound " to love their patients , for therapists are committed to willing " the good of all clients by ensuring that all actions within psychotherapy serve the client 's need to overcome the symptoms " which brought them into treatment . This takes genuine care and acceptance on their part . However , a patient can easily confuse the love they feel with simple " desire . " They 're not quite in love with their therapist , so much as they yearn for acceptance from someone , and in those sessions they just happen to be receiving it from their doctor . " As a therapist , I have a role , " Dr . Atlas says . " My role is to protect you . " She says it is incumbent on the therapist to not exploit the patient for the therapist 's own good , but admits that the presence of erotic transference in therapy brings about many challenges . " [ Attraction ] is part of the human condition , " she observes . In therapy , " the question then is : What do you do with that ? Do you deny it ? Do you talk about it ? How do you talk about it without seducing the patient and with keeping your professional ability to think and to reflect ? " " Freud said that a healthy person should be able to work and to love , " she says . " In some ways therapy practices both , and in order to change the patient will have to be known by the therapist . That is intimacy . In order to be able to be vulnerable , both parties have to feel safe . " After I briefly explain all that has gone on between me and Lori , Dr . Atlas steadfastly says she does not want to judge too harshly why and how everything came to pass in my therapy . " I don 't know your therapist , and I don 't know your history , " she says . But she offers that I should " explore the possibility " that I might have created and admitted my sexual adoration of Lori because one of my fears is to be ignored , not noticed . Lori says that when she began her career as a social worker , she decided she wasn 't going to shy away from any subjects . " It 's typical for a client to [ have ] a habitual desire to sweep things under the rug , " she observes , especially about taboo topics . It can become a cycle of behavior that Lori seeks to break . " I guess when I said I was over it and could move on , that was an example of my strict black - and - white thinking , " I say , throwing back some language she 's used often to describe my challenge in accepting dualities . In my mind , I was either attracted to her and shouldn 't see her anymore , or I wasn 't attracted to her and could still have her be my therapist . There was no in between . I turn my attention towards the presence of countertransference in our session . I 'm trying to come up with an actual question here , but , really , I just want her to confirm her feelings for me are real . So I say , referring to her feelings , with a great degree of difficulty , " It 's funny that they seem genuine to this day . " " It doesn 't , necessarily , " I begin , then stammer through a few sentences , worried I might offend her by implying she 's been dishonest . I finally settle on , " I guess it comes back to my self - esteem issues . Why would a beautiful woman think I 'm attractive ? " Lying in bed with Shauna a few months into our relationship , I ask her what she thought about me the moment she first saw me . I 'm fishing for a compliment . But we met on Tinder and I just hope that seeing me in person wasn 't some kind of letdown for her after swiping right on my hand - picked glamour shots . Obviously she isn 't going to say something so awful after having committed to me for so long . It 's a slam - dunk ego boost . I explain that my insecurity could often get the better of me in dating situations . It was easy to convince myself that I 'd be rejected by the girl I was with , especially if I thought she was out of my league . I would then slip into a nervous and reserved state that isn 't at all reflective of my true self . I 'm essentially saying that I was so thrilled to not find Shauna so extraordinarily pretty that I couldn 't accept her being on a date with me . That thought made so much sense at the time I said it , but I 've since come to realize it is as ridiculous as it is insulting . After ten months of being with Shauna , I 'm still completely floored by her , on every level , including a physical one . It gives me great pride to walk into a room with her , and I don 't imagine that changing . Therefore , she actually did meet a confident " version of me . " The way people look doesn 't drastically change in ten months but a person 's perception of self can . It seems my emotional workouts in erotic transference were just beginning to produce results . " People fuck up , " Lori informs me during one winter session . " Therapists have slept with clients before , just like politicians have had sex with their interns . But , so you have a full understanding of how this works , we can date . " She explains the parameters as outlined in the social worker 's code of ethics . One of the many stipulations is that we wouldn 't be able to see each other , under any circumstances , for at least two years before dating . She tells me she loves her job , and there 's no way she would ever sacrifice my safety or her career for anything , so she would strictly follow all the dictated rules . " If you truly want to date me , there is the option . But it 's ultimately up to you . " " I don 't want to stop the work we 're doing , " I say . " At this point , it 's far too valuable to me , and , really , I know very little about you . " She 's beautiful , exercises , is smart , funny , professional , enjoys good TV … and that 's about it . Aside from whether or not we 'd even both be single in two years , and if we 'd be in the correct mind frame to explore a relationship , there are several other things I 'm considering here : Would Lori and I really be compatible in every way ? Would she ever see me as a lover , a partner , an equal , and not a patient ? Could I ever reveal a detail about myself , or even just a shitty day of work , without wondering if she was picking it apart and analyzing it ? Frankly , all those questions could be answered in the positive . But , even if I wasn 't in a happy relationship - Shauna makes this choice much easier , for sure - I wouldn 't go that route . I 'd be out a therapist . It 's a beautiful spring night in New York and only sidewalk seating will do . Shauna and I are out to dinner at a restaurant near her Queens apartment , and we 're both in good spirits . The weather and the alcohol consumption are partly to blame for that , but , on cue with the season 's change , I feel I 've turned an emotional corner . Work payments that were past due are finally finding their way into my bank account . As it turns out , my short - term money troubles were not an indication that I had no business being a writer , or that my life changeup was as irresponsible as unprotected sex at fourteen years old . I 'd told Lori as much that afternoon . I took a mental step back from my current situation and realized that in spite of my recent hardships , I was succeeding . I summarize my session for Shauna , who nods in agreement , lovingly pointing out that she 's had the same challenging freelancer experiences as a dancer . " Thank you . That means a lot , " I respond . " I guess if I 'm going to be a writer I just have to accept all this and have faith in myself . The way Lori put it was , ' You just have to go all - in . ' " Michael Stahl is a freelance writer , journalist and editor living in Astoria , New York . He serves as a Narratively features editor as well . Follow him on Twitter @ MichaelRStahl . My brothers started recording as soon as they hit the parking lot . The video camera focused on Dad 's car in the distance . I never noticed how dark his windows were tinted , but now it made sense . He flashed his headlights twice . Was that something you did when you were meeting a teenager for sex in the alley behind a sporting goods store ? They drove closer , unsure of what would happen next . Dad had sent the time and location for the meet - up , expecting a quickie . When he realized it was his two sons in the car , and not the guy who had responded to his personal ad , he hit the gas and his tires screeched as he took off in the opposite direction . They sped after him until he stopped just as abruptly as he 'd taken off . They pulled up to him like they were waiting at a stoplight . The camera recorded its own reflection in the dark glass as they waited . After years of trying , we had finally caught my father soliciting sex from strangers . This was not the way my father would have written our story . In the Christian parenting books he authored , we were always the perfect family . We had the big house in the country , five happy kids , and an American flag flying on the front porch . Mom had graduated with a degree in home economics and thought it was cruel when other families allowed their kids to eat dinner in front of the TV . She had a lot of opinions on how other people should raise their children and had been outraged when our church opened a daycare center . It was a symptom of feminism and put everyone in jeopardy by enabling women to go back to work . Dad was equally passionate about promoting family values and lobbied against gay marriage at the state capitol . He also served as an elder at our Southern Baptist church while running the PR department of a Fortune 500 company . Most days he would be gone before we woke up and arrive home shortly before dinner . Mom would rush to greet him , tearing off her oven mitts so she could take his briefcase . That 's why it was strange when he suddenly started paying attention to me . It was the mid - ' 90s and the Internet was still something you had to access with dial - up and a shrink - wrapped CD from AOL . Any time I 'd walk in while he was on the computer he 'd immediately turn to face me . Once he finished , I pretended I wanted to get on Instant Messenger . Instead , I downloaded a hacker program that secretly logged all encrypted keystrokes on our family computer . By the end of the week I 'd gathered the passwords for everyone 's email accounts , including several with names like " Porndog " and " Horny69 . " With an eye on the door , I logged in . There were hundreds of emails from men with equally sexual screen names . Addresses and photos were being exchanged . Some of the boys looked my age . I was completely out of my depth . " Gay " was an insult people hurled in the hallways of my middle school - I didn 't realize there were actually men who liked having sex with other men , and I 'd never have imagined my father was one of them . I couldn 't reconcile this information with what I believed to be true about my family . It wasn 't my own deception , but it made my life and my identity feel like a lie . I was sitting in our family room with sunlight streaming through the windows and my childhood artwork decorating the walls , but I felt like a dark part of myself had been exposed . I was no longer living in a world where some of us were entitled to wag a finger of judgment . It took hours , but I read every single email . When I was done I logged out of the account , deleted the hacker program and decided to pretend like it had never happened . I needed to believe the lie and continue being the smiling daughter of a godly man . To accept the truth was to lose everything I 'd ever known and I was afraid of what I would be left with . The years passed and I never said a word . I hid the secret inside of me but it began to take a toll . First there were blinding headaches so intense I 'd be curled up on the bathroom floor , hugging the toilet . Mom took me to a doctor and he told me I had migraines . The next year I began to suffer from excruciating stomach pain that left me unable to eat . Mom took me to a doctor and he told me I had ulcers . After that , my hair began to fall out . My body turned against me and refused to give me my period . Every month my Mom would buy more tampons and I 'd hide them in the bathroom cabinet with a year 's worth of unopened boxes . She eventually took me to another doctor and he told me I had depression . We stopped going to doctors . Two days before I started my freshman year of college my car broke down on the side of the road . Mom was busy at a church fundraiser so Dad came to rescue me . We were rarely alone together but he was in a good mood and told jokes as we followed the tow truck . I remember feeling confused by how easily I could laugh aloud while simultaneously despising him . Until then I 'd never acknowledged the source of these feelings , but the looming freedom of adulthood lured me into thinking it was finally safe . I decided I would tell my Mom that night . I was the only one of my siblings still living at home . My brothers were either engaged or married , and starting their own families . I ate dinner with my parents , then they sat down to watch an episode of " 24 . " I knelt at the edge of the couch where my mom sat . I 'd never seen my mom cry , but she was sobbing when I finished . I knew so little about this woman who 'd spent the last eighteen years seeing to my every need . I had no understanding of who she 'd been before she met my father . I worried I 'd shattered her world and stolen her happiness , but it turned out she 'd known he was gay since the second year of their marriage . She said she 'd stayed " for the kids " and apologized that I 'd found out the truth . She swore she hated him and planned to leave after my brother got married in a few months . She suggested I delay my college enrollment and go stay with her cousin in Seattle . I was too numb to even think about it . I couldn 't believe I 'd spent so many years keeping a secret when my Mom had known about it all along . That next day I packed everything into my repaired Honda Civic and moved into the college dorms . When a week passed and I didn 't show up for family lunch on Sunday , Dad became suspicious . Mom told him everything and he demanded to speak with me . My phone would not stop ringing . " I hate myself for having done this to you , " he said with a practiced mix of shame and humility . " I should have killed myself a long time ago . I still pray for the courage to go through with it . " " You have to understand , it was only a passing thing . I 've never acted on any of those thoughts . I am not … that way . " " I don 't know what more we could do for her , " my dad said . " We 've given her everything . Perhaps we 've spoiled her . " I tried to use the word " gay " again but she shushed me . I asked what word better described a man who snuck off to have sex with men while his wife and kids thought he was at work . This only made her angry . I decided I would prove it to her . Surely if she saw what I 'd seen , she would have to face the truth . I began coming home to sleep in my old bed . I claimed I didn 't like living in the dorms when in reality I was sneaking into my dad 's office to go through his computer every night . I 'd pore over his Internet history , documenting every sex chat room and adult hookup site . I was always careful to charge the laptop back to the same percentage it had been before I slid it back into his briefcase . After several weeks I 'd compiled a spreadsheet full of recent activity . I showed it to my Mom , confident she would finally believe me . A few months later my mom invited me over for lunch while Dad was on a business trip . I spent the entire afternoon listening to her lecture me on the importance of forgiveness . She said their marriage was stronger than ever . While she was in the bathroom I snuck into my old bedroom and cracked a window . It was just enough to keep it from latching but not enough for her to notice . Later that night I parked at the end of their gravel road and walked the rest of the way in darkness . The house was silent as I slid the screen off the window and climbed through . I wasn 't sure when I 'd have my next opportunity so I took screenshots of his entire image library and downloaded his emails to a flash drive . My friends texted me about going to a party but I didn 't have time to meet them - I was too busy guessing my dad 's password to Adult Friend Finder . " I 've touched the robe of Jesus . It doesn 't matter what you say , I 'm healed . All you 're doing is trying to tempt me , but I 'm stronger than that . " I stopped speaking to both of my parents , but I didn 't stop trying to expose him . Every time he denied my accusations , I became more motivated to dig deeper . It angered me that a man like him could so easily hide within the walls of a church or a seemingly happy home . My mom informed me they would no longer pay my tuition so I took out a semester 's worth of student loans . I promptly failed my classes because I was too busy scouring homosexual hookup sites in search of my father . I decided to drop out of college but I was too ashamed to tell my roommates , so I kept leaving my house at the same time every day . They thought I was going to class but I was really parked outside my dad 's office , trying to catch him in the act . I became obsessed . I was afraid I 'd only ever existed as part of his cover story , but I no longer feared what I 'd be left with when his lie was exposed . I decided my new reason for existing was so I could rescue my mom . I 'd almost given up hope when I stumbled across an online persona known as " Kyle Big Guy . " There was no photo , but I could tell it was him by the way he wrote and his preference for younger men . His generous Christianity came across in his willingness to give blowjobs without need for reciprocity . To prove it was him , I responded to the ad . I told him I was a seventeen - year - old named Rex who was looking to hook up with an older man . He responded almost immediately . I wondered whether he was e - mailing from the couch while my Mom folded his laundry . Either way , I was going to bust him . This was going to be my smoking gun . I e - mailed the number to " Kyle " and told him to give me a call . Shortly after five p . m . the prepaid phone began to ring . I shrunk back on the couch , watching it vibrate on my coffee table . My Dad 's number lit up the caller ID as it rang six … seven … eight times . He left instructions to meet him behind a sporting goods store at two p . m . the next day . I was scheduled to work so I called my two oldest brothers . They decided to show up and record everything . He bolted , they followed him , and he finally stopped , ready for the confrontation . The camera rolled as they waited for something to happen . The low rumble of their car engines filled the silence until my dad finally rolled his window down . His face was calm and smug . " Why does it give you such joy to believe I 'm a monster ? " my dad asked . " I came here because I knew you were trying to trap me . I would never actually do anything like this . " " I 'm not going to listen to all of this hatred . I 've been forgiven and healed . You need to deal with your own sin . " Later that night , we called my mom . She answered on the second ring , her voice cheerful and happy to hear from us . We told her what had happened . Several years later my father was arrested for trying to have sex with an undercover police officer in a local park . The news ran his mug shot and he was forced to retire from his high - powered job . Only then was he willing to admit he " struggled with same sex attraction , " promptly leveraging it into a new platform for book sales . Mom continued to run his PR campaign and still smiles happily on the jacket cover next to the line that describes him as a proud father of five . Aussa Lorens is author of the blog Hacker . Ninja . Hooker . Spy . where some mistakes are too good not to share . Her writing has been featured on Cosmopolitan , Thought Catalog , The Huffington Post , and Scary Mommy . You can find her on Twitter @ AussaLorens .
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Today I learned of the suicide of a young trans woman Leelah Alcorn . It breaks my heart . In her note , she described her family life and how rough it was coming out to her parents at a young age . Her parents , being strict Christians , acted much as my parents did : refusing to believe it , telling her she was selfish , sending her to Christian therapists . However , at such a young age , dependent upon them , she didn 't have the option I did of basically ignoring them and doing what needed doing . Even after her death , her parents refuse to honor her as a the woman she was . These sorts of tragedies need to stop . I have been fortunate to have great support group of friends . I have a stable job with adequate income . My parents are perhaps slowly coming around . I will hopefully be getting chest surgery within a couple of months with money I 've saved over the years . I am mad at my ( lack of proper ) education . I don 't know why it 's bothering me so much right now , particularly . I was just thinking of the second episode of the new Cosmos show , where Neil Degrasse Tyson explains how eyes evolved . I remember being taught how evolution couldn 't possibly be real because eyes are so complex and perfect that they couldn 't gradually develop . Whoever first made that argument was full of shit and knew nothing about science . At first glance , it seems true . Muscles and lenses and all sorts of things in the eye that work together just so . And yet they aren 't perfect . Not at all actually . Eyes developed under water , aiding ancestors in the fight for survival . Human eyes actually don 't work as well as fish eyes and the like . Interesting how science - if you just take time to learn - can change your I don 't believe that this specifically disproves the existence of God . I simply don 't think that science and religion are mutually exclusive . I think that Christianity ( in particular ) needs to be open to Some may know this . I bake a mean Jack Daniels chocolate chip pecan pie , from scratch - my mom 's recipe ( though I think she got it from someone else . ) I don 't make it often though because , health . 2 . I really like sheep and I have always dreamed of living / working on a sheep ranch . 4 . I grew up ( mostly ) in a house that was over 100 years old , then moved to a brand new one my dad built in the pasture . 5 . All of my education was Christian , including university . There were a few years of homeschooling mixed in as well . 5 things you 're knowledgeable about 2 . The Lord of the Rings - and anything Tolkien , really . Seriously , ask me anything . 3 . Identifying dog breeds . And animal behaviours . Comes with the job , I guess . 4 . Some parkour . Also filed under things I wish I was more knowledgeable about . 5 . Buying and selling things on eBay . I 've made a fair amount of money back on things I no longer want / need . I 've also saved heaps by buying used things . My current work shoes ( Merrell Trail Gloves ) cost me $ 20 and have lasted well over a year , which at my workplace is unheard of . 5 things you know nothing about 1 . Dancing . When I 've had something to drink , I can move around a bit , but I wouldn 't call it dancing . 2 . Liechtenstein . Literally all I know is where it is . 3 . Cars . Rather , mechanics . I know how to drive and how to do very , very basic maintenance , but I 'm not fond of cars and I 'm basically lost if anything goes wrong . 4 . Twitter . I am savvy to most social media platforms , but that one has eluded me . 5 . Practical uses for higher math . I know basic math , and I even ( barely ) passed pre - calc , but I don 't know how to use any of that . 5 things you believe 1 . Humans evolved amazing feet and we 're now killing off the amazingness by trapping them in tight and padded shoes . 2 . I believe cool / cold weather is so much better than hot weather . 3 . I believe that I was taught history and science incorrectly ( see education above . ) I believe that there is other life in the universe . It 's simply too big . And it 's awfully arrogant of us to believe we 're alone here ( even if you believe in a god . ) Space tights . I got some running tights . It 's vaguely embarrassing , but I really like tights , especially now that I 'm very visibly male . I stayed as far away from them as possible until a couple years ago . But these are spectacular and I figured I can force myself to run in cold weather if I feel fantastic . Mostly I have been enjoying this trend of " galaxy " print clothing , especially tights . I saw a video of a guy doing parkour in some , so I decided I could do it too . I like the general oranges and reds that seem most common , but I wanted something unique . And I found the Carina Nebula . The $ 8 plus a month for shipping from China was just fine . When I was in college I used this fantastic image as my laptop wallpaper for months at a time ( I usually changed the wallpaper every other day or so . ) Even now it 's in the photo folder that gets rotated through for my current wallpaper . Here 's a more manageable size , but seriously , click the link . I think what I like about this nebula image is that it 's not just colorful , but also bright . It has a lot of white and essentially no black . Most other space images are dominated by black . It 's my favorite and someday I hope to have a huge print / poster of it for my wall . And here are my tights . Posted by The basic theme was that we messed up Earth and it 's up to us ( and science ) to save ourselves . There were no subtleties about trying to revitalize interest in NASA and science in general . The ever - important quest for knowledge and survival . The movie also portrayed the important I 've been feeling super lazy lately . To the point that all I 've done besides work this week is sit on the computer or play video games . No trail Tuesday . No running on lunch . No rock wall . Just lazy . I don 't know why . I got a fitbit for my birthday a couple weeks back . It 's a fun gadget and seems to be fairly accurate . I tend to average about 8 miles just at work , so that 's cool to know . I am a bit sad that I don 't have more contacts to compete with though . That might also get me out of this lazy funk . Posted by Timberline Falls . We had to scramble up the trail next to them . The Shark 's Teeth and Sky Pond . I found the panorama function on my phone ! At the beginning of October we spent a week in Washington state , touring the National Parks and hiking as much as possible . We did not make it to North Cascades National Park , choosing instead to go further south to Mt . Saint Helens National Monument , and even down to Portland , OR for the day . Our first night camping ( in Mt . Rainier National Park ) we saw some mice scurrying around the rental car . I figured they were tiny enough not to be able to get in . The next morning , I found I was wrong . One had nibbled a cookie . Bit a hole in a Lara Bar wrapper and shredded three rolls of toilet paper . Demon ! We stored the food better from then on , and kept doors closed , but I was constantly worried that the mouse was still in the vehicle and would chew my down sleeping bag or ruin the car somehow . The fears proved unfounded . We did several great hikes , one main one in each place . In Mt . Rainier we did the Naches Peak Loop which overlaps the Pacific Crest Trail . It was astounding . We also did part of Mt . Fremont . Mt . Rainier . It 's ever - present . Rainier in Reflection Lake . Autumn foliage on the Naches trail . Boyfriend and Rainier . Mt . Rainier and colorful foliage . We did not get around the the east side of Mt . Saint Helens in order to get any photos of the devastation that occurred there . We did a short " hike " through the Ape Caves , some old lava tubes . We had to use headlamps . It was so fun ! The entrance / exit to the Ape Caves . Lava tubes near Mt . Saint Helens . We were accompanied on our hike in Olympic National Park by a Canadian couple . We had no choice really . They camped near us the night before and we were informed that they were going to attempt the same loop as we were , and that they 'd join us . Even though we tried to get up early enough to beat them to the trailhead , it was unsuccessful . It wasn 't bad though , they were very nice and very fit , keeping up out 3 mile an hour pace . The trail through the rain forest was mostly boardwalk so it was easy , though sometimes slippery . We got to the beach a low tide and it was super rocky and filled with seaweed . Not a very pleasant walk along the beach . The four of us were joined by a young black tailed stag . He stayed with us for a good mile or so . The beach hike ended at a fun sea stack which we were able to climb and see way up and down the coast . We couldn 't see out west because of the ever - present fog . Rainbow over the Pacific at Rialto Beach , Olympic National Park . Whale bone ! I could not live in the Pacific Northwest . It is altogether too rainy and dreary . And very humid . I loved visiting though , I am sure I will do so again . I have discovered a love for the ocean . This was my first time seeing the Pacific Ocean , and I want to see more of it . Without fog . The forests are beautiful . So green and full of moss . The temperature was amazing considering the time of year we went . I just tired of everything being damp all the time . Posted by I 've really been slacking on this blog . I need to post about my trip to Washington and all the fun camping and hiking that was done . And I want to post about my latest trailrun Tuesday , but I need to do the other thing first . So I just keep not doing anything . second one was so flashy . Bright orange and new . And the seat so much more comfortable . But it didn 't make it the second half of my commute the first day I took it to work . The all - important return home . I ended up with a flat tire and no notion of what to do . So I called for help and got a ride back for me and my limping bike . I think I like the purple one better . It is a better brand ( Trek ) . And it didn 't let me down after a whole week of there - and - backs . I don 't know if I should fix Trail Run Tuesday . I sort of fell off the wagon . I had been doing so well too , until I became a sort of nurse and then we moved . I was running almost daily and doing a nice long run on Tuesdays , not to mention a long hike over the weekend . But then I took a break . And now it 's dark in the mornings . So hard to climb out of bed when it 's dark . Originally I thought it was dark due to the changing of seasons , and I 'm sure that plays some role , but mostly the new bedroom has very thick black blinds and a large , shady tree outside . Also , it faces west . So everything is dark and I want to sleep forever . But two weeks ago I made myself get up and run around the neighborhood . It was nice . I found a park that I hope to revisit to do some parkour . Last week I purchased a mountain bike from craigslist and I plan to start riding that to work . Pond on top of the world . And today I finally got back to my Trail Run Tuesday . It was glorious . I went back to North Table Mountain in Golden . It 's my favorite trail I 've run thus far . I did take a different branch this time which wasn 't as fun and was much shorter , but I got to see a very pretty little pond . And I kept a very fast pace considering I haven 't trail run in almost two months . Yes , I have a climbing wall in my garage , but I seem not to use it as much as I should . But now , with that , the bike , and today 's run , I 'm back on the wagon . Posted by and , my favorite , the climbing wall in the garage . I love having a yard and I love not having to fight for parking out front of my abode . The best part really is the wall though . I intend to make full use of it as often as possible . Also , there 's a hot tub . So really there 's nothing to complain about at all . I 've never had a male roommate and it 's been a long time since I 've had a roommate at all ( as in , not my boyfriend ) . So far all is going well though . Best part is the climbing wall . Posted by Moving . How exciting , right ? Right ! It 's a great house with a yard . The dog will be so happy . Our roommate also has a dog and 2 cats , so it 'll be packed with animals , but so much more space . And there 's a hot tub . And a climbing wall in the garage . And washer and dryer and dishwasher . For less rent than I 'm paying now . But now , since it 's more accessible to work , I need to get a bike . I don 't know how to go about that . Once I got a decent one on craigslist . I 'm not sure how to go about that anymore . I don 't know brands . I don 't know anything about bikes at all . I probably am not able to provide a whole lot of details , but it was intense . I 've seen the show " Hoarders " and its animal counterpart , but that didn 't prepare me for the smell . Twentyish dogs inside a house for however long . The house was stuffed full of all sorts of junk as well as the dogs . The fences were covered in old , rotting clothes . The dogs were all terribly thin and mostly unsocial . And they were all unusually quiet . Even on the 3 hour drive back to the shelter there wasn 't so much as a whine out of them . It made for a long day . I had no prior warning that I was accompanying Colorado Humane on this trip . I was told to go and so I did . But we didn 't go right away . I waited around for about an hour . Then the 3ish hours driving . Then more waiting as it rained and the officers assessed things . My coworker and I were told to wait at the truck until they made sure the resident of the house wasn 't home . They all wore bullet - proof vests . More waiting . Then we put together a bunch of crates as they broke into the house and started bringing dogs out on control sticks . There were a few in the yard that we baited with cat food and trapped pretty easily . Then after we caught and kenneled about 15 of them we waited some more . Then more dogs were found in various closets and barricaded nooks and crannies . The total came closer to 20 . All this waiting added up to a 14 hour day . Because my day wasn 't over when we arrived back at work . Instead of being able to pass the dogs off to another team , we remained to complete their intake because most everyone else was gone for the night . So I got even more sweaty and stinky while holding the dogs as others vaccinated and photographed . It was all quite fun really besides all the waiting . Perhaps I 'll apply for a position in that department . As for hiking , after the two on Tuesday , my boyfriend and I have hiked 3 fourteeners in as many weeks . We 've basically run out of " easy " mountains and I can certainly feel the steepness of the last few . They haven 't given me any trouble while actually climbing , but the next day my calves are so sore I have trouble walking down stairs . But our 14er total is 10 , only 42 or so more to go ! Hahah . Posted by The Fourth of July is a particular favorite of my boyfriend 's so we planned an epic day . We invited a handful of people to a nice beach along Clear Creek outside of Golden . One of my best friends from Kansas even came for the weekend . We grilled hot dogs and hamburgers on a shiny new grill . We played in the creek . We sat in the shade . We lay in the sun . We chatted with friends old and new . We stayed by the creek for about 10 hours , then went in search of fireworks . I neglected to bring my camera so I have no photo evidence of this day . On Saturday we packed up and drove to Buena Vista to camp near the trailhead of our planned 14ers . My Kansan friend agreed to watch the extra little dog we acquired for the month , while we hiked with the other one . So we got up well before dawn and she stayed snug and warm in the tent . We hiked practically straight up for 4 . 5 miles , and reached the summit of Mt . Belford by 9 : 30 am . It was a very good morning for a hike , the temperature at the trailhead was much too warm , but as we hiked , the air became cooler . Today was something new . I hiked some 14ers , but they were not new . It 's just that I hiked with someone other than my boyfriend for the first time since I can remember . It was sad to be without him . I love sharing those experiences with him . But it was fun to hike with a new friend . We hiked Gray 's and Torrey 's Peaks . I 've done them both before , but never both at once . I really like that trail . For the most part it 's very gradual . The views are astounding . Except for today . There was a bank of low clouds shrouding the peaks as we ascended . Nothing dangerous , basically just fog . It obscured the top of Gray 's to the extent that we suddenly found ourselves on the top with no more trail to climb . But we broke though the haze before the summit of Torrey 's and had some great views . By the time we 'd descended back to the valley , the cloud bank was gone and the peaks were pristine . " view " from the summit of Gray 's Peak . Summit of Torrey 's ( have I mentioned I love these shoes ? ) The day began at 3 : 30 am , we 'd planned on hiking a nearby 14er . As we drove up the road to Mt . Evans it was sprinkling a bit despite the weather report . Above treeline the rain turned to snow . Very light snow , but definitely snow . On June 28th . The sun was rising behind us as we came drove out of the trees , and the colors lit up the blowing snow and the fast - moving clouds . sunrise . blowing snow . Needless to say , we did not even attempt the climb that day . However , we decided we 'd use up some gas instead of wasting the day and we drove up to Grand Lake and picked a hike on a whim . It ended up being spectacular . Very pretty hike to be sure . It was mostly cloudy in the morning and made the hiking up rather pleasant and not so sweaty . We hiked along a raging creek most of the way . some raging . I came face to face with a young buck around one of the switchbacks . I simply froze and watched him as he stared at me from about 10 feet away . Then he bounded off ahead . I wasn 't quick enough to get a photo . I did , however get a photo of a much slower moose ( and much further away . ) Lone Pine Lake . The hike ended at a small lake called Lone Pine Lake after crossing a recent avalanche area . We ate , rested and sunbathed before heading back . It was about 11 miles all told and definitely a hike I 'd like to do again , perhaps as an overnighter . This morning I went for a trailrun / hike at Matthews / Winters Open Space Park . Mostly a hike because I 'm not so good and running uphill . Downhill is another story . It was a great day for it . About 60 degrees when I started and not quite 70 when I got back . I went for about an hour and a half . I think it was upwards of 7 or 8 miles , but I 'm not so sure because the maps stop mapping at a certain point and my stupid phone tracker app never gets it right . I think I am going to get a hydration vest . I was using my boyfriend 's small hydration backpack , but it 's sort of awful . The nozzle leaks , but is also really hard to suck water from . It also jostles around a lot and I don 't need to carry so much . I found a nice vest that Back to my phone tracker app being a jerk : I am looking into Fitbit and comparing it to similar products . I just want a mileage and pace tracker that won 't die after several hours of use . Posted by I 'm a big fan of Vivobarefoot shoes . They are extremely minimal and have a nice , wide toe box . I 've owned many pairs , but right now I 'm down to three . My first pair was the Neo . I basically destroyed them . I wore a hole in the sole , ripped a chunk of the sole near the toe and grew out of them . I don 't know if I grew out of them because of my feet being freed from constricting shoes or if it was a product of taking testosterone . Or perhaps they were small to begin with , and I didn 't really notice until I realized how shoes were meant to fit . Anyhow , I really like the sole on the Neo , it 's called amphibious I believe . It 's quite thin , but still has nice grippy nubs . The Neos worked quite well for parkour and hiking . They 're terribly ugly though . Vivobarefoot Off Road Mid complete with off road mud . I use the off - road mid for my winter / wet weather hiking . They are ( were , now ) waterproof , so I 'd just wear them with gators and keep the wet out . They aren 't insulated though , so if I 'm snowshoeing or hiking on snow and I stop moving , my feet get cold . I do keep the insoles in to help a bit with that . The lugs on the bottom distract a bit from the ground feel , but they do help to keep from slipping in snowy or muddy conditions . After two winters , some of the seams let in a bit of moisture and a few of the lugs are coming off . I need to find a waterproof and insulated minimal boot for next winter . My next pair of Vivos are the Aqua Lite . They have the thinnest soles , very little grip there . I use them for casual wear and often for parkour , though I 'm afraid too many climb - ups will wear through the soles quickly . I love the wide toe box . They are probably my most comfortable shoes . I briefly owned some Breatho Trail shoes . They were inexplicably too big without the insoles ( and I hate insoles ) . Also , I decided I didn 't like the lugs for everyday use . They work well for the winter , but not so much for general hiking and trail - running . Vivobarefoot Freud The canvas Freud shoes complete my Vivobarefoot collection . They are solely for casual wear . I 've changed the laces to make them blend in more . The sole is similar to the Aqua Lite , but slightly thicker . I 'm not as worried about wearing them out quickly . After I wore out my Neos , I wanted to find a good hiking / trail - running shoe . I already mentioned trying Breatho Trail and deciding against them . I considered another pair of Neos or other Vivos with the same sort of sole , but either the price or the general look of the shoes turned me off . So I decided to look at other brands . First I found a pair of Merrel Trail Gloves for a very reasonable price . I found out quickly that they aren 't so good for hiking / trail - running due to the narrow arch . I wore them for part of a fourteener hike ( Sherman , I believe ) and the scree kept poking my arch . I have rather flat feet and the shoes just don 't provide enough protection . I do like them a lot though . I turned them into my work shoes once my original Neos wore out . I wear them 40 hours a week and they 're quite nice . When the weather was cooler , I 'd go for runs on my lunch break . These shoes work well on pavement and non - rocky paths . So my search continued . Recently I went to a local running store to get some ideas and try some shoes on . I felt a bit bad just trying things on then leaving , but I found the New Balance Minimus Trail 10 ( MT10 ) . And I found out that I 'm not actually and 8 , I 'm an 8 . 5 . I don 't know if it 's my feet having grown , or perhaps I just don 't know how to fit shoes . Anyhow , I came home and bought the MT10s online for half the price . Initially , I didn 't know if I would like them . After wearing them about five minutes , the band around the forefoot started to make my foot ache and cramp . I worried that I should have purchased a wider size , which they totally have . But after some trial and error , I found that I just need to keep the shoes very loose . I actually slip them on and off without untying them . And they don 't slide around when I run either . I am a huge fan . Mostly because of the color , but also the feel . After getting the lacing right , I love how much toe splay freedom I have . I love how ventilated they are . I wear socks , but I 'm sure they 're fine without as well . They aren 't zero drop like my other shoes , but I actually don 't even notice the 4mm difference from heel to toe . I 've already hiked around 13 miles ( half the trail up Pike 's Peak ) and they performed wonderfully . I can 't wait to take them out again . I also own a pair of Inov - 8 Bare XF shoes . To be honest I got them mostly because of the colors , but also because of the very minimal sole . They are quite nice to look at , but they aren 't very comfortable to me because they are far too narrow . This seems to be a trend for Inov - 8 , making very sleek and " fast " shoes . But my feet are quite wide and need a bit more room . I still use them for some of my runs around the park , and for casual wear . The soles are very thin , nearly as thin as the Aqua Lite , and much slicker . Unshoes Pah Tempe ( template B , I believe . ) My final shoes are Unshoes . I 'm on my second pair and I love them . I have the Pah Tempe style which resemble Chaco sandals . I 'd been a huge fan of Chacos and the foot tan I 'd get each summer , but they had a painfully high arch and or course a rather tall stack height . I learned of Unshoes and fell in love with the idea . Partly because of the minimalness and the similarities to Chacos , but also because they 're inspired by Tarahumara huraches . Having spent time in Mexico with the Tarahumara , I 'm familiar with huraches . I often hike with the Unshoes , but for hikes with a great deal of scree , something with more foot protection is obviously preferable . On hikes I generally bring both my Unshoes and another pair - now the MT10s - since the great thing about minimal shoes is that they are super light and therefore a negligible weight to carry . Thus concludes my footwear collection . As I mentioned , I need to add a winter hikers back to the list since my current pair is no longer suitable . But for now , I 'm happy . Ready to go beat up my new MT10s . Posted by
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What 's a blog , you ask ? It stands for " weblog " and it 's basically an online journal of daily thought . We 'll see how long I can keep this up ( as though I don 't have enough to do ! ) And I have a month worth of blogs that I 've kept up with while on vacation and devoid of connectivity for the most part . But you of short attention span , will not read them . If I post them , you will not take the time to go back and read of my epic adventures . You just won 't . I know you . Stop arguing . Babies . So here is what I 'm gonna do . I will keep up with them but will only post two per day starting with the oldest until I catch up . For you math whizzes , you will see that it will take two weeks to catch up in this manner . It was 0600 and I had no idea what happened . I had laid down for a nap at 6 : 30 last night so unless my scary math skills fail me , we 're talking 11 ½ hours of sleep . WTFO ? The run was nearly orgasmic . When I lived in the desert , running back in Washington was memorable because of the oxygen - saturated air . It was like rocket fuel . Now that I live in Virginia , the oxygen isn 't the big deal ( it 's pretty green in Virginia ) but the lack of humidity is . I got up and ran in 55 degree weather devoid of massive humidity . It was simply intoxicating . If I can complain about one thing it would be that my in - laws do not have high speed internet . They have dial up . And it hurts . Bad . But I did get an interesting email while I sat there and watched the gerbil run the wheel . I had been looking for a search mechanism for my site for years . The site was getting too big to remember where everything was but I could never find anything that worked very good until I found a free program that worked better than I could have expected . I was so impressed that I set it up , wrote the company praising them , and wrote a detailed blog about it ( I KNOW , so unlike me ) . Everything was hunky dory for years until I discovered that the search function was not returning some items I knew for sure were on my site . I tinkered with it but to no success so my loyalty evaporated like a plate of Krispy Kremes backstage on Oprah . I was not content to just complain about it , I had to go and tell the company that they can kiss my white ass . Anyway , I turned to Google and set up a local search function but that eventually failed also so I sheepishly turned back to WrenSoft and went to their site to see if they had an updated version . They did . For $ 99 . So I 'm back to the free version and trying to tinker with it again . I never get it to quite work 100 % but it was better than Google 's functionality and infinitely better than nothing at all so I stuck with it . I just came across your blog . In particular the post , " Search Me , I Don 't Know ! " - Monday , March 21 , 2005 The phrase , " WrenSoft can kiss my white ass " , caught my eye : - ) I think you were using the old creaky V2 release in the past . The current version is V4 . 1 of the software has almost been re - written since then . It should be easier to use and definitely offers more functions & speed . I have to say , I was embarrassed but the offer he made me was exciting . I could try out his new software for free and all I have to do is review it on my site . Are you kidding ? I would do that anyway and this way , I don 't have to negotiate between my self - proclaimed conflict of perfectionism and cheap - assedness . But I have to wait until I get home , obviously . On the upshot , I have something to look forward to when I get home ! ! ! ! Never does 0430 NOT hurt . It 's just the way I 'm built and assume like most of the human race . Other than triathletes and ultrarunners who have more discipline than me , this hour should be spent biting the pillow . But this morning , I had to traverse this great country of ours with my 13 - year - old son . Maybe I should have used " get to " rather than " have to " considering I AM on vacation and all . Yeah , I 'm going with " get to . " Here was my time table : get up at 0430 and leave by 0515 . Get to Eric 's house by 0700 ( # @ $ * D . C . traffic ! ! ! ) and get to the airport by 0730 for a 0900 flight . Seemed plausible to me . When we left , the first order of business was coffee , of course . And since I was the one in charge with no momma to counteract my dictates , I allowed the boy to partake . Hey , he wanted coffee ! ! ! So for the first time , and not the last time in this life , my and my boy stopped off to get some Joe . And by " Joe " I mean coffee , you pervs . With so much time in the car , I was free to expound my thoughts about traffic in general to my son . He learned a lot of new words . OK , not really . We talked about a lot of things and I tried , rather successfully I 'll point out , to tone down the traffic irritation thing . We had left plenty of time to get to where we were going so there was no need for stress , given or received . The set up was ideal . I have a friend that lives near the airport so I met him at his house , we drove to the airport to drop me off , he takes the car back to his house and stores it while we 're away , and come picks me up afterward . This way , I don 't have to pay $ 8 per day for three weeks just to park the Saturn . With a friend watching Buster , I was making out big time with this whole vacation thing . Other than the $ 700 per ticket plane ( un ) fare . But other than that … . Another opportunity that arose was to show my boy what benefit a frequent traveler can be to someone , especially a young boy who isn 't sure about this whole increased security situation at airports . I explained to him how to get through security and other than looking at me like the old man had lost his grape when I told him to remove his shoes , he came through with flying colors . I knew Alex was going to be a happy sight to whoever was assigned the seat next to him . A small , well - behaved boy who didn 't have the top 16 layers of fat oozing over into the next seat . Yeah , he was a gold mine . This was the first time I had flown Frontier and I was impressed that the seats were huge . Compared to Southwest 's seatlets , Frontier was downright luxury . They also had an " entertainment system " built into the headrest of each seat in front of you . They offered DirectTV and movies … . for a price . There 's always something . In essence , there is a collection of amenities the airlines can offer and they have the choice to offer or not offer them . To charge or not charge for the offerings . They are all the same amenities but just different combinations of what you have to pay for . Food , entertainment , and alcohol are the big ones . Do they offer a meal ? A snack ? Peanuts ? Do they charge for headphone use ? For movies ? Do they charge $ 3 for a beer ? $ 5 ? $ 7 ? Here is how Frontier does it . No peanuts . A bagel or a bag of Doritos . $ 5 for a beer . Free headphones . $ 5 to watch all of the DirectTV channels for the duration of the flight . $ 5 to watch a movie . I decided that my SuperDad powers should prevail and get my boy a movie or the DirectTV . Only $ 5 to keep the boy entertained for a few hours ? Deal . I didn 't want to screw this up . Please don 't screw this up . Simple , right ? Set the channel , swipe the card , agree to let it charge you $ 5 , off to the races . Please don 't screw this up … Actually , no , it wasn 't my fault . I swiped the card and answered " yes " that I would agree to accept the charge . It verified it and we were set . If this guy was not gay , then he had just as many problems with perception as if he was a flaming homobot . Fat and metrosexual - looking in demeanor and glasses ( which I had a sneaking suspicion were only for " the look " ) . But the most irritating was the lilting voice which gave him away as one who bats for the same team . He would come around with a trashbag and ask if we had any " presents " which was his cutesy little term for trash . With his hands cupped on each other in front of him , he kept inquiring about the plans of the couple behind us . At one point , he asked me " Are we having fun ? " I glared at him with a look that very much indicated he should get his light - loafered and misused ass away from my general aura of hatred . Alex giggled . He knew the score . I got the attention of the other stewardess ( they are all stewardesses ) and informed her about my dilemma ( no , not about Ass - Pounding Andy ) with Nickelodeon . We came to the determination that he could use my screen so she swiped her card through and enabled my DirectTV . But then she left and it ends up that it had the same problem . So to her credit , she came back and since she could not credit my card , she gave me a card for a free swipe on my next trip which would normally be a total rip off except I knew I could use it on the next leg of this trip from Denver to Seattle . Then I had to resist the urge to watch the channels that were available since both our consoles were active . But I hadn 't paid for it ( actually I had but I had the free card that I was going to use on the next leg ) so it wasn 't right to watch . Coming into Denver sucked . The ride was bumpy and the tail of the plane swayed back and forth which logically convinced me that we were all going down in a fiery ball of pain , suffering , and sheer horror . Alex thought it was fun . I lost 46 pounds of sweat through my hands . We had a picnic in the Denver airport . Paying $ 11 for a couple of crispy strip meals at KFC , we sat by a big window and chowed while watching planes take off . It was a great time with just me and my boy . The second leg of the trip was great because the boy could watch his TV and it was only 2 ½ hours . But the best part was on the final approach I looked out and saw what I thought was Mount Rainier in the distance . It soon became evident that I was mistaken since we flew right by the real Rainier a few minutes later . As though seeing Mount Rainer up close was not cool enough , there was a bigger treat out the window . In one shot , I could see Mount Rainier , Mount Hood , Mount Shasta , and Mount St . Helens . I made the boy take off his headphones and showed him , explaining what he was looking at . Carrie picked us up after it took forever to get our bags and we headed back to her parents house . At 6 : 30 PM local time I decided it was a good idea to catch a little nap . Just a little one . Back Water International Here 's the premise . You have to drop someone off at Baltimore / Washington International Airport . You live in Fredericksburg . The flight leaves at 0800 . On the upside , we had 4 people so we could use the carpool lane . Unlike HOV lanes from my native Seattle which only require 2 or more passengers , the ones in Virginia want 3 people which creates the slug phenomenon . There are actual " slug lots " where people wait and perfect strangers stop in and pick them up . The slug gets a free ride and the driver gets to use the HOV lane . This set up would be too left to chance for my constitution and lack of patience for the general stupidity of the public at large . But there are people who consistently use this arrangement and more power to them . We made good time and I got them to the airport successfully . I felt kind of bad just kicking my wife and daughter to the curb but with heightened security , I wouldn 't be able to get them to the gate and she insisted I just drop them off . So beat it . Coming home seemed like it took forever . I was tired but was also trying to finish the 16 hour tape - fest that I was listening to . I was listening to John Adams on 21 cassettes and it seems I 'd been listening to it for decades . Don 't get me wrong , it was good but just a marathon of listening . And you know I know what that term means ! ! ! Alex and I stopped at Denny 's and stuffed ourselves silly . It was good to spend time alone with the boy and I really started to see how old he was getting . At 13 , it 's starting to be like spending time with an adult and I 'm so proud to see this happening . But he still has knuckleheaded tendancies ( don 't we all ? ) . It was out in my entire area and after checking , I was told I was the first to report this . No , I didn 't get some special prize or anything . Just the knowledge that my whole area would have been ignorantly down with good old crApdelphia not doing anything about it . Was I held up as a hero ? No . Nothing . Not even a simple thank you . A quick observation that impressed me . You 've seen on TV and in the movies where a character has a gun pointed to the head of someone and explains that if they give them the information they want , they will kill them quick and make it painless . If not , it will be quite the opposite of quick and painless . A hell of a choice to be sure but you 've seen it . Now how many times have you seen them actually kill them ? Think about it , they never give up the info and get shot as promised . Nor do you see them get tortured . Usually you hear a gunshot and you think he pulled the trigger only to find out that someone else shows up and shoots the shooter in dramatic flair . We took old Buster over to Sir Phil 's who , in his infinite generosity , fed us hamburgers and fries . I felt kind of bad for the little knucklehead ( Buster , not Sir Phil … although … . ) because he had no idea that Sir Phil 's house was going to be his abode for the next 3 weeks . He and Daisy started romping all over the place as usual and we pulled the old " trip to the backyard as we sneak out the front " routine which Buster 's keen sense of intelligence never pieced together . This was what made me feel bad ; that we took advantage of his monumental stupidity . I know the feeling , Buster , I know the feeling . So I threw just about every pair of underwear , socks , and shirts into a huge suitcase . I am a relentless over - packer and it got so bad that I had to enlist the aid of a second small suitcase . Carrie will give me no end of shit over this but I 'm allowed two checked bags and dammit , I 'm using them . The day before going on vacation is golden . It 's almost on par with the last day of work . Nobody can touch you , you don 't have to worry about starting anything new , and you are on the cusp of blissful non - responsibility . You might think he would take advantage of this . You might expect that I OK ' ed a list of things I would normally never authorize . But this will not be the case and not because he knows the repercussions of such advantage - taking would be painful but because he 's a good man . So I sat in my office , tied up a few loose ends , and prepared for 3 weeks of being left to my own devices . Stop shivering , it 's distracting . Please don 't ask me how exactly it happened but somewhere between last night and this morning , I found it necessary to attempt a 32 mile run . Why ? I asked you not to ask me that . Way to follow directions . I was moody last night and didn 't want to talk to anyone . My wife found me laying on the bed , deep in thought and knew that I was going through my mental long - run - eve acrobatics . Part of my problem was the hour at which I had to wake up . With the skyrocketing heat combined with the accompanying humidity , I had to be running as the sun came up . So a 0400 wake up time was in the cards ( I hate those $ # % # $ % $ # cards ! ) and I also had my weekly bout with the realization that I once again forgot something at work so I would have to swing by there before the run . This was not helping matters as my cowering , shaking mood - barometer of a dog can attest . By the time I got up , got ready , drove to work , and got to TBS for the run , it was almost exactly 0600 . I had been up two hours before the buttcrack of dawn and hadn 't run a step . Heavy sigh . It was in my head that I would run to the 8 mile turn - around and back . Then it occurred to me that I should do the loop ( another 8 miles ) and what the hell , reverse loop . This seemed to be decided before my common sense had any say in the matter and suddenly , I was roped into it but I declared that whoever was responsible for this travesty of a decision would pay . And pay dearly . At the 1 . 5 mile mark I was feeling good but then I saw that the gate to the hinterlands was closed . I had to make a decision whether to go around the gate or hang a right and stick to the 8 mile loops . On the one hand , Christie 's husband , Brian , who works at TBS had told me they no longer use the ranges out there on the weekend but I really didn 't want to be looking over my shoulder for 16 miles wondering if someone would come up and inform me just how much of a dumbass I am . I already know and the thought of some LCPL reminding me was not all that alluring . The swinging vote was that I knew I had water stops on the loop and I could visit my car for supplies every 8 miles . The bad thing was that I had the opportunity to succumb to the desire to hop in the car and go the hell home . I had one of those " moments " at about mile 5 . No , not one of THOSE or even one of " those " kind . Come on , give me credit ; it was only mile 5 . ( Jason , take a look at your blog last weekend . ) < shut up ! ! ! > . The moment hit me that I was out early running , feeling good , and it was a beautiful scene that only I was privy to . The sun was rising making the scattered clouds light up with an array of colors and everything was serene . I knew the second I saw it that this was the reason it was good to be out at this time in the morning . It was going to be a good run . In my altered state , so many crazy scenarios ran through my head . I could run the loop and then on the last loop , cut through Application trail again . Or I could just suck it up and accept that the extra mile was just that ; extra . Getting back to the parking lot , I really , really , really wanted to get back in that car . There was A / C in there . There was Gatorade in ice water . There was a trip home where I could crash for a few hours . It took everything I had to run by . It was pure force of will . Quite a few decision were starting to be made the further along I got . At one point , it was that I would run to the fire station and turn around . Then it was that I would keep going to Application trail and cut over . Then it was that I would go as far as the guards would let me and turn around . But in the end , it was a survival death slog back to the parking lot , via the loop . It became evident that there would be no 4th loop this day . Three very important aspects of my preparation for this run kept me in the game for as long as I was . First , I hooked my iPod to the straps of my Camelback so I had it handy on my left shoulder where I could skip songs at will . I wrapped the headphone cords such as they were out of the way and the little setup was ideal . Second , because I was looping , I didn 't need to carry any supplies except water . I could tuck away my savior - Gu and replenish on the pitstops . This allowed me to leave my waist free of a running bag and the liberty that created was euphoric . Third , I brought a washcloth with me and soaked it at every water stop . With the heat and humidity , a quick wipe of my face from a cool washcloth was my own little trip to heaven as often as I wanted it . During this last loop , a car pulled up and stopped beside me . It had two women in it that I recognized because I had passed them twice going the opposite way during my looping . " How FAR are you going ? " one asked . I was too tired to explain or elaborate about the 50 and 100 I was also training for . They told me they were training for the Marine Corps Marathon and had never run one before . I had remembered they were walking both times I had seen them ( and on the second time I asked jokingly " Are you following me ? " ) and that brought back the fond memories of the terror I had training for my first one . I told them about my little detour and asked them if the other side was open yet . They told me it was and that meant that I would definitely be completing this loop . I thanked them and asked them if they see my curled up in the fetal position later on the course , if they would so kind as to spit on me . Is it sad that two pretty women stop to talk to me and all I can think about is the A / C they are sitting in ? That was the lingering thought I had as I continued after they left . Sad , sad . . . The end was brutal . It was well into the 90s and the time no longer mattered . I was just trying to get to that parking lot and the sun was doing everything it could to stop me . It was me against the elements at this point and every step was a challenge . With a final push that looked more like a light jog , I crossed the line in a whopping 1 : 55 . I didn 't care . I felt no sense of shame for the time just as I felt no sense of accomplishment for the 25 miles I had just gone out and done on my own . I just wanted A / C and a Gatorade . By the time I got home , I had cooled off by the pain in my legs and feet were front and center . No one was home so I had to hobble out and get my supplies into the house in many painful trips . I took a shower that was somewhere near the most ecstatic feeling a human being can experience and by the time I was done , Carrie was home and made me a sandwich and some soup . I think I absorbed it into my body before it hit my stomach . I thought that the nap I was destined for would be in the same league as the shower but after about an hour of near - death sleep , the lactic acid took over and my legs kept me awake . It didn 't help that the neighborhood kids were cranking their music so I heard the thumping bass without the melody of the song . It was gansta rap anyway so there was no melody but a lot of information about mother - fuckin ' this and that . It wasn 't until nighttime that I started realizing the accomplishment . I had almost ran an entire marathon and I lived to tell about it . Yeah I was sore and yeah it knocked me out of commission for the rest of the day but it told me that I was ready for the Seafair Marathon on July 10th . " I 'm Hub McCann . I 've fought in two world wars and countless smaller ones on three continents . I 've led thousands of men into battle with horses and swords , artillery and tanks . I 've seen the headwaters of the Nile and tribes of natives no white men had ever seen before . I 've won and lost a dozen fortunes , killed many men , and loved only one woman with a passion a flea like you could never begin to understand . That 's who I am . " I killed the virus today . If you 've been keeping up , you know the battle has spanned three days and many hours . But I emerged victorious , chest heaving , holding up my keyboard and roaring " FREEDOM ! ! ! ! ! " ( I sometimes have a flair for the dramatic ) . I ran the monster scan and completed the script by running HiJack this but the registry entry was not there since I did a bit of freelance " regedit " - ing . I started the computer and have not seen hide nor hair of Aurora or the ABI Network . I hope they die in a syphilitic convulsion chocked full of slow pain and suffering . comment You have to understand , my brother is over 6 feet tall and over 200 pounds . I was all they had left after creating him . He is bigger than anyone in our family and towers over everyone in family pictures . If you remember , my brother is upset about his cat dying . It seems old Fast Eddie ( named after Edgar Martinez of the Seattle Mariners ) caught himself a little of the feline leukemia which is what my beloved Sid succumbed to some years ago . So I knew the shitiness that he was going through and knew how no one except other pet - owners would understand why the death of a pet was so traumatic . Even for a big guy like Chris . I was a mess when I had to hold Sid while the vet pumped him full of anesthetic . I was looking into his eyes which slowly dilated and glazed over right in front of mine . He took the day off and made an appointment with the vet , the same one who charged him $ 200 to tell Chris that Fast Eddie had leukemia and possibly a cancerous lump in his stomach . Chris waved off the stomach test because the leukemia was endgame anyway . So now it was going to be another $ 150 to put the old boy down and ashed up for Chris 's safekeeping . Total cost : $ 350 for a dead , cancerous cat and a collection of ashes . Bummer . Not at you , mind you . I know you are busy . I know you have things to do and to be honest , I know that I 've been sporadic with blog entries and the ones I have posted have been a bit long - winded ( but you didn 't have to point that out , really . You know who I 'm talking to ) . I awoke this morning expecting to see a completed scan screen on my computer but this little trip to Blissville was not to be . Here is why . Why , I ask , would you program something to STOP at the first sign of trouble and ask the user what they wanted to do ? Granted , you provide an option to apply your first answer to all future questions but you didn 't offer this at the beginning of the scan . At about the 33 % scan complete point , it found something ( duh ! ) and asked if I wanted to quarantine it . Well , YES , you dumb bastard . No , I want it to continue to infect my machine , to disregard the very reason I 'm running the scan . Furthermore , can you stop the scan until I answer because it 's not like it takes hours and hours while my computer is virtually inoperative ! I had to go to work and since the kids are now out of school , I didn 't want to tie up the computer all day until I got home so I had to stop the scan and accept that I would have to continue this when I got home . The other news of the day was iPod case . I still think I 'm a bit on the dark side of marital bliss because of the whole iPod purchase so considering accessories for it is a dicey subject . But ever since I got it , I 've felt like I 've been carrying around an egg . I needed a case and expressed this to Carrie , along with my desire to eventually own a power charger , a car kit , and a docking station ( and a shuffle , and an FM transmitter , and … . maybe I should have stuck with just the " case " argument . ) I went to the exchange but they only had a couple of options . One was sweet but cost $ 30 . It was a thin aluminum case with a neoprene lining . I loved it but spending 1 / 6 the cost of the iPod was not going to work . Damn Belkin ! ! ! At night , I made my way to the PWT Capitol of the Universe , WalMart , and viewed their offerings . They had it behind locked glass ( … and why was this , WalMart ? You are weird little people ! ) and I had to ask Julio who looked about as happy to help me as he was interested in a home vasectomy kit . They had exactly what I was looking for and it was only $ 13 ( good old WalMart ) . It was a leather case , or so it said on the front . It looked like leather but the back said two things that made me think otherwise . Infection Imperfection It happened again . I got an uber - virus on my computer and I 'm not very happy about it . I truly wish I could meet with the author of this virus or any virus author so I could proceed to beat the holy living shit out of them . Then pound them until they are pink mush . And then beat them some more . And then form their geletous refuse into the shape of a human again and start all over . It happened when I innocently tried to look up some lyrics . I know that these days , Googling for song lyrics is pretty much just pulling up a list of spyware / virus sites . I had gone through this before so to try to head this off , I scrolled down a few pages in the hopes that I could get past the big ones and try to catch the lessor infected sites . The second I hit the link , I knew I was infected . Pop - ups were coming fast and furious and my blocker was knocking them down as fast as they appeared . But then the tell - tale sign that I was infected came when my start - up monitor and another protection program came up and ask if I wanted to allow a certain executable . The good news was that it caught it but the bad news , I knew , was that it would continue to ask me over and over , in effect , screwing up my computer . My first reaction is to run Ad Aware . After updating it and running it , it caught the normal 15 trillion problems but I knew deep down inside that it would not fix this . I then ran Spybot Search and Destroy . Same result . I restarted my computer and still got infection warnings . Crap ! ! ! I then went to my Windows / system32 folder and sorted the files by date . I found a couple of . exe and . dll files that I tried to erase . Sure enough , they didn 't want to go away which meant they were in use and not for anything good , mind you . The next thing to do was to start my computer in safe mode ( gets the computer basically up but doesn 't load all the extra crap , some of which is the infected files ) . I went and erased the suspected . exe and . dll files . I ran both Ad Aware and Spybot S & D again ( both of which take forever on my monstrous hard drives ) . I started the computer over and … The behavior was that I was getting pop up ads . How this happens I don 't know . I have a router with a firewall . I have a startup monitor . I have a watchdog program . I have Symantec Antivirus that I update and scan every night . I have Google Popup blocker . I keep updated and run Ad Aware And Spybot S & D often . This was a very advanced program to get through all those defenses . And while I could have seen it as a worthy opponent , I didn 't . I saw it as an intrusion and a source of forced time waste . I noted that the title bar of the pop up ads I was being served , there was something that said " Aurora - a part of the ABI Network . " OK , I knew who to bomb . Just kidding … where to start . Here is what it basically had me do : download two free programs ( one really free and one that was a trial version ) . Start in safe mode and run the first one . Then run the second one . Then run Hijack This and get rid of a registry entry . Seemed simple enough , huh ? I ran the first one which when unzipped created two files , one of which I was supposed to run but neither of which were named what the instructions told me they should be named . So I took a guess and not much happened , which was what it said would happen . Bad instructions , guys . You don 't tell someone that " nothing will happen " when you perform a step right because if they screwed it up ( as I 'm known to do from time to time to time to time … ) then there is no difference in what happens if you do it right or wrong . I then started the second program which was nothing more than a scan of my system much like Ad Aware . The problem was that my hard drive is huge and it wanted to run a scan on my backup drive , too . So with this set in motion , I went to do other things while hours passed . At this point , I was supposed to start the computer in regular mode and everything was supposed to be hunky dory . And you know I just can 't let that happen so for S & G , I ran HiJack This again to see what would happen . As expected , there was no slimy bastard commie shitbag entries from spyware and I was happy . Had I effectively killed this cockroach of a program in one afternoon ? Part of me says I should have left good enough alone . The other part of me says that it 's better I found out since not knowing wouldn 't change the fact . A third side says that he likes strawberries and that he wanders if his fist can fit into his mouth . We tend to ignore that side but he takes over when in long meetings . OK , ok , maybe I screwed up the first step by picking the wrong file to run . So I went back and ran both of them . Many times . There , you bastard , did I run the right program THIS time ? < yes , that 's both huffy and pissy > " If you don 't go after what you want , you 'll never have it . If you don 't ask , the answer is always no . If you don 't step forward , you 're always in the same place . " I thought , if I get home , maybe I can get to the FedEx station and get it tonight . I must have it tonight . I must I must I must or the Universe will explode into countless shards of misery and pain . I got home and looked at the notice . No phone number . It told me to pick it up before 5 : 00 but didn 't even give an address . Bastards ! Who gives a notice to pick something up and doesn 't give THE ADDRESS ? ! ! ! I looked it up on the net but was having a hard time finding the correct place . I was sweating , actually sweating , because I could hear the clock ticking . Tick , tock , tick , friggin ' tock ! Carrie was looking it up in the phonebook but ran into the same troubles as I did . We simply could not do something as simple as find the address to pick it up . And the clock kept going . And I kept sweating . The dog cowered and the stress floating in the house . Finally , I found it and Mapquested the address ( yes , in my freak out , I went back to Mapquest in a moment of weakness ) . And I was off . . squealing ( tires , not my mouth ) . I had to deal with Route 3 . Then I - 95 . Then Warrenton exit . I pulled into the parking lot at 4 : 46 . I stopped , calmly wiped the sweat from my brow , and walked in with my ticket . The box seemed too small . It looked tiny . I knew the iPod mini was , well , mini , but this was miniscule . On the way back home , I tried to open the box at stop lights . It didn 't work . They could send plutonium on these packages . I thought I 'd need an acetylene torch when I got home . DAMMIT ! ! ! Opening it up , I realized how small this thing really is . And how cheap crApple got in thinning out the accessories in order to drop the price . ( Yes , I 'm going to continue to dump on crApple even though I love my iPod . Deal with the hypocrisy ! ) . The earbuds were the first to go to the Drawer of Forgotten Electronic Accessories . Yeah , they are iconic but I don 't need white earbuds to tell the world I 'm in the iPod club . Hell , I 'll just tap them on the shoulder and shove it in their face with a smug look of my own . Cuz dat 's the way I roll . ( sorry , I thug - channeled for a sec there ) . I loaded up iTunes which I knew was just another digital music program . Everyone talks about it as though it 's some kind of new concept but it 's just crApple 's version of WinAmp or Media Player . I 've never had much success with any of these programs , the two I mentioned being the exception but not without a few minor issues . So I wasn 't all that optimistic that I would get all chubby about this one . I spent the evening loading up 924 songs . How did I go about this ? Well , one of the irritating things about iTunes , and to be fair , a lot of these media organizers , it does not let you filter by the way you have it organized on your computer . In other words , I can 't access it by my file structure I put my songs in on my computer . I have to use their filtering methods and it ends up I had to go song by song … with over 2000 songs ! ! ! Every other MP3 player I 've had ( other than the Rio debacle ) , I 've had to be very choosy in what songs I pick and for space considerations , I would down - sample them to fit more on the limited space I had . So here was my plan : I will just slap any song I find remotely appealing on there and at the end , just shave off ones I can afford to lose until I can fit them onto the player . And since I was working with 4 gigabytes , I didn 't have to down - sample which saved a lot of time and made me feel good that I was getting full quality . When I got to the end , I was flabbergasted . I picked the last song and the little indicator said I have 4 MB left . Out of all that random choices , 924 choices , it came down to having room for ONE MORE SONG . But maybe the best feature so far is the one that instigated the whole iPod craze for me . My old player 's random function was about as random as the Natural Numbers ( shout out to all ya 'll geekoids ) . But the " Shuffle Songs " function on the iPod does the job . It shuffles them like Paris Hilton 's date options . I think this is going to be the start of a beautiful relationship . And remember the quote from the king in Braveheart ? " The only thing wrong with Scotland is that it 's full of Scots . " I got it personalized . Came free . So that means I cannot eBay it down the line and if someone steals it , it just serves to tell them who they juiced . Why do you have to have bad runs ? Because they make the good runs that much better . Or so says some optimistic assbag who has never had a bad running day in his miserable life . I got ready and made it out to the course after stopping by work . I had tried to bring home everything I needed from work but discovered yesterday that I accidentally left my running shoes at my office . So I had to make a pitstop there which didn 't contribute positively to my mood . In fact , it heaped a bit more piss to the ever - increasing " off " pile I was building . My second punt into the stands was when I discovered , at the start line , that I comepltely forgot Gu . No , not just didn 't bring enough , not " brought the wrong kind " , no , friends , just plain completely forgot it altogether . It 's not like I 've been doing this for years or anythnig . How could I be doing all this for so long and forget the fuel that gets me through these long runs ? Again , inform me when you find out . Everything was going as well as can be expected until about mile 5 when it suddenly hit me that this really sucks . I was not ready . I was having a bad day . It happens . My revised plan was to just do one lap : eight miles . Then that got changed to take the shortcut through Application Trail ( basically cutting a line straight through the middle of the loop ) . The trail was the one we would be forced to march from TBS to the rifle range every day for a week ( one of the worst at TBS ) and I hadn 't been on the trail since . So I thought it would be a sort of memory lane trip . I don 't remember so many kamikaze bugs . But I accepted it as the penance being paid for flaking on the run . I even had to walk portions of it and when I came out the other side , I wasn 't where I thought I should be . Somehow , I missed a cut - off and ended up on the road leading to the camp . When I got back to my car , I decided that was enough . I got it , God , message received . A short run and I could get home and surpise my family who is used to me being gone for the entire morning , returning tired , sweaty , and pissy . " Government 's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases : If it moves , tax it . If it keeps moving , regulate it . And if it stops moving , subsidize it . " Last week I posted about iPod lust . Today , it came to a head and I broke . Taking into consideration the cost , the need , my current economic situation , and the cost / benefit analysis , I wrote all that on a piece of paper , studied it , crumpled it up , threw it away , and went online to order a brand spanking new iPod mini . I opted for the 4 GB model because not only was the price acceptable but the 6 MB model was wholly unjustifiable ( for now ) . Too much money for only 50 % more room when I could get 1000 songs on the 4 GB model without even down - sampling . Anyway , I was only allowed to go this far into my insanity cave . The first thing I tried was to go to eBay ( and I 'm noticing that a lot of things these days have a lower case first letter and an upper case second letter ? wHat 's uP wIth tHat ? ) and looked through the Buy It Now offerings . I no longer actually bid on anything because I hate getting juiced at the end by some last second bidding bastard . There were a LOT of iPods on sale . I mean , A LOT ! And many of them were " NEW , STILL IN THE ORIGINAL PACKAGING ! " For some reason , I got real snobbish and distrustful about all these resellers . Maybe it was the whole RIO Karma fiasco or maybe I 'm just becoming very discriminating when it comes to electronics . Or I 'm an ass . I dunno , you decide . Worth not getting it ? Come on , don 't be an idiot . Not worth going through a reseller . Why ? Because once you added in shipping and insurance , it was only a few bucks less than ordering it through crApple itself . They were $ 199 with free shipping and engraving . So I went for it . Come hither , iPod . Come meet your new daddy . So now we play the waiting game ; a game I 'm not very adept at playing . Much like Charile Brown who sent the red - headed girl a valentine , I waited by the mailbox while the order was still in my virtual mailbox to crApple . … maybe I should download iTunes and get it set up on my computer ( don 't be a pitiful geek , Jason , come on ! ! ! ) I had the humbling experience of trying to create a resume for the classes I want to teach online . Humbling because the template I used was from a doctor . Here is what I wrote : First of all , it 's probably a bad idea for a guy like me to try to meld a DOCTOR 's resume to my qualifications . Let 's just say it was a humbling experience and I hope they don 't laugh at me . I think my teeth bucked trying to come up with acceptable stuff to put in there . I 'm sending you my attempt at doing the CV . I 'd really appreciate some help in this . The only thing I have published is a couple of stories about marathon running and Marine Corps anecdotes . Nothing academic except my theses from my BA and MA ( and I 'm not sure that counts as " Published . " ) I 'd like to talk to you about this and the resume tomorrow if you have the time . Some random questions : I have a ton of MCIs from back in my enlisted days . Any use putting that in there ? I was also a Quality Assurance Inspector back in my avionics days . Will I be asked " What do you want to teach ? " I ask this because I 'm not sure and my answer would be " Whatever you want me to teach . " As you had pointed out , I am " officially " qualified to teach anything that deals with my master 's degree . I have a course listing on all the classes I took . My strong suites are math , writing , grammar , and web - page design . But I don 't have much ( OK , any ) teaching background in any of these ( unless going over math homework with my kids count but I assume that would look silly on the resume ) . I would love to teach a basic math course or anything introductory on the categories I mentioned , and willing to teach anything that had to do with ITM with the understanding that it would have to be intro . I could get up to speed in no time but I don 't know how they would feel about trusting me in that capacity . Today is my wife 's ( unintelligible mumbling . . . ) th birthday . You will notice that my daughter 's birthday was a few days ago and this is how it is around the Grose household . Also with Father 's Day coming up . It 's a potpourri of gift - giving . A veritable free - for - all ! ! ! I got her a card which is more than my two ingrates I call kids got her . OK , maybe that was my bust and yeah , maybe they did make Power Point presentations for her . But where 's the gifts you little . . . oops , yeah , me again . I took her to linner ( or is it dunch ? ) Whatever it was , it was at about 3 : 00 in the afternoon and it was her choice . She chose the steakhouse where I had the club but that was offset by the 56 tons of shelled peanuts I ate and the humongous beer - a - tron I downed . Hey , the peanuts made me thirsty ! I also got her a gift certificate for a spa . So there you have it , who 's the thoughtless one , now ? Take that , kids ! What did you get her ? The state . . . the state . . . the state is on fire , we don 't need Virginia , let the mother . . . nature is a curious thing . One day it 's perfectly cool and the next , my skin is melting off my bones . That 's what happened today when I tried to go out to run and discovered that yes indeed , humans can melt . Why is humidity so bad ? ( stand by for a quick lesson ) . The body gets hot and to cool itself , it sweats . And all sweat is is water seeping out of your pores . It gets on your skin and then evaporates , taking with it the heat it took to evaporate . So the effect is . . coolness . But in order for the sweat to evaporate , the outside air must be able to absorb the evaporation ( going from a less dry area to a more dry area , trying to create equilibrium ) . When the humidity kicks up , the water has no place to go and isn 't all that interested in jumping into the air which already has water in it . So it sits there and you feel all sticky . The body says " hey , wait a minute . I poured water out up there and I still feel hot as Satan 's balls . Why , I 'll just dump more water . You need it for the vital organs ? Bah ! Send it to the skin ! " Years ago , I remember " hearing " about the Tyson fights but since I never had the means to pay to " see " them , all I could do is marvel at the highlight films . And granted , back then he was one bad mamba - jamba . You 've seen the footage ; fools being knocked out cold before they even hit the mat , collapsing all gangly and ugly as their lifeless bodies crumpled . Tyson was a wrecking machine to be feared and praised for his raw viciousness . But now . . . oh , Mike . It is sad , really , to see . And I think the best summation of his troubles is the poll I saw on the Sports Illustrated webpage . It went something like this : I don 't exactly know how it happened . I just got sucked in and before I knew it , I was all entangled . I thought I was in control but it became increasingly evident that it had powers over me I could not resist . And I 'm not talking about run of the mill bibliophilic tendencies . I 've known for years that I 've been there . I 'm talking about books about books . Yes , lists of books you should read . Tips on getting the most out of books . Strategies to approach your reading in order to benefit the most . It started when I ran across a book called The Little Guide To Your Well - Read Life . I really enjoyed the book and it gave some good advice . But it had lists of other books which in turn had lists . Do you see how insidious this gets ? Arrested Development I don 't know if I mentioned this before but my brother sent me some CDs . I watched the entire first season of 24 and now I 'm watching Arrested Development . I know this seems like an odd choice but my brother said it was the funniest show on TV , so much so that he bought the first season and now insists I watch it so we have something to howl at when we talk on the phone . But he crack - dealered me . I watched the first DVD and of course , fell in love with the show , laughing out loud at times . It really is a funny show . I 'd be hard - pressed to pick out a favorite character . While Portia de Whateverhername is gets points for looks , I 'm not a big blond guy but her husband on the show , while hideous , might have a shot as the funniest character . The consummate idiot loser who isn 't aware of the fact . But then I went to open the second DVD case and . . . wha . . . . It was EMPTY ! ! ! He had given me a taste and now I was stuck . I had to get another hit but I didn 't want to watch the other episodes because I wanted to watch it in order . So I called him up , properly chastised my older brother , and made him promise to send it right away . I 'm Surrounded Last night , my brother - in - law paid a little visit to Best Buy and Circuit City . You see , he 's visiting and his job is putting in high - end audio and video equipment into rich people 's houses . So he knows his stuff and I 've been waiting a long time for him to come and visit so that he can help me put a decent system in . And to see my niece and nephew , of course . I 'm their favorite uncle you know . Choosing a system with Scott was a little different . I knew he knew . It 's his job . He 's " that guy " that I know who knows about these things . And I know I know more about the intricacies of nuclear fission than audio so I had a firm grasp of who to turn to for this . We looked at everything and was not too impressed . He fiddled , he faddled , and I looked on knowingly . " Hmmmm , I tend to agree . Good show , old man ! " ( in a faux British accent for some unknown reason . ) " How much do you want to spend ? " With my detailed requirements now explained , he indicated that none of these were very good and we should go to Circuit City . The tough part we were having was that I didn 't want a DVD player with it . Just the sound system . And I definitely didn 't want the 5 DVD changer . Why ? Why does this exist ? Does anyone really NEED to load 5 DVDs at once ? A CD changer , I understand . You just let the music play and you can even go random . But a DVD ? You really want me to believe that you are going to sit through 10 straight hours of movies and that you can 't be inconvenienced to take the DVD out and put in a new one ? It might be the only exercise you get , other than getting more snacks , you lazy bastards ! Why , also , does that piss me off ? These are questions that may never be answered . Once there , we found a great system that was about $ 500 . When we asked Pimply Face High School " Associate " Kid if they had any in stock , he , of course , didn 't know . When I gave him the " well , go forth and check , young stallion ! " look , he was off to the warehouse . I don 't want to go into the technical details , mainly because I would make a complete fool of myself , but the gist of it is this . The display model was one iteration back from what they had in stock . The new one was a 7 . 1 Surround Sound System as opposed to the measly 6 . 1 Surround Sound System on display . I COULDN ' T get the 6 . 1 if I knew the 7 . 1 was in existence , now could I ? On Scott 's request , I played my " ASS " card and made them bring me out the other box ( they only had two in stock ) which required a big cart . The one he brought out looked damaged ( cardboard mangled on one side ) . Along with the system , I apparently needed a bunch of cables . Do you know how much cables cost ? Somewhere in the " too much " range . But I was in for a penny , in for a pound at this point and it was pretty far away from the penny zone . But I needed this , a bit of that , a few of those , and a smattering of these thingamajigs . All tolled , it was creeping toward $ 700 . Scott hooked up the tangle of wires in the back and not only did he fix the surround sound and tune it up for me , he also re - routed the cables to give HD - quality to my DVDs . When he was done , we sat and watched most of The Incredibles , mesmerized by the sound and picture quality . I now have a movie theater downstairs . Today , my brother - in - law and his family traveled all the way from Seattle to visit us in Virginia . They took the redeye flight , flew all night , and showed up early this morning . Wow , quite a trip for a couple with a 5 - year - old daughter and 3 - year - old son . I bet I would have handled it with grace and patience . ( stop laughing ! ) I , of course , am known as their favorite uncle and I have no qualms about announcing this fact every chance I get which happens to be about every hour on the hour . I mean how can I not ? Look at these two ! ! ! This was a very dangerous situation because Scott , my brother - in - law , and I have a very bad track record together . We tend to crack each other up at the most inopportune times so are often kept apart at important social functions . This is a good thing but did not occur for this occasion . The first sign that things were going to go less than perfect was the list of songs on the handout we got on the way in . There were two pages of them and I was stunned that they were going to perform so many . This would take hours and I don 't know if my Prozac smile would hold up that long . Not all of it was singing , I discovered . It was also a concert for the band so they had some singing , a buttload of band offerings , and some more singing at the end . This , I suppose , was to keep the parents of the singers in place until the bloody end . Nicely played , chorus / band teacher , nicely played . The reaction was simply horrid . First , Snare Drum Kid was workin ' the skins like a rock star , to the point that it drowned out almost everything . This would have been the lesser of two horrors but instead , the only thing it DIDN ' T drown out was the clarinets . That 's about what it sounded like . God bless their little hearts , they were trying but somehow , each kid found a slightly different key until every key was found except the right one . It was about here that Scott and I completely lost it . I could not look over at him because I knew it was coming but that didn 't stop my peripheral vision . It was just a matter of time and that time had come : we both started shaking all over , unsuccessfully trying to hide our deep - seated laughter at the atrocious sounds emanating all around us . Of course , this attracted derisive stares from everyone , not the least of which was our respective wives . But if you could have heard what was going on , what travesty of sound was being perpetrated . . . . I really kind of felt sorry for the teacher . I mean he 's been working with these kids all year and while I don 't expect a symphonic performance from 1st year , grade school kids , I had to believe that it had to hurt to hear a year 's worth of work come down to the sound of a bus full of instruments falling down a cliff . I assume a stiff shot of vodka that night was on the menu . Today was a good day of driving . That 's sounds strange coming from me because driving is not my favorite way to spend a day but the weather was great , the scenery was beautiful , and I didn 't have anywhere to be other than getting home . That 's the kind of lack of pressure that I can handle . My body was not all that adverse to sitting and relaxing all day either . You might falsely believe that being cramped up in a car all day after a marathon would suck but the repair process is happy to have you sit still as long as you stop every once in awhile to stretch the legs and move the pooling lactic acid around your system . And drink lots of water . And not run . That 's a bonus . I first starting this while going to college as a result of hours of commuting time each day . I listened to quite a few and picked the habit back up last year when I first got to Virginia . But then I started reading on the train and since Truckasaurus has no tape deck , I couldn 't even listen to anything on the way to the station . I 'm learning some interesting things like he was the first Vice - President and the second President . That his son was also a President ( John Quincy Adams ) and that he suffered from self - doubt . There is a lot more to talk about with 16 hours on 21 cassettes but I won 't put you through that . I 'll just say that I feel like I 'm learning a lot and it 's a way to squeeze in more books in a lifetime while making the hours on the road go by less stressful and more quickly . " You read about all these terrorists - most of them came here legally , but they hung around on these expired visas , some for as long as 10 - 15 years . Now , compare that to Blockbuster ; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you . Let 's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration . " Like every single marathon I 've run , it started with an alarm . It 's always early , too early . But I had an extra little bonus to contend with on this auspicious day : I had all of about 4 ½ hours of sleep . Yes , folks , I like sleep like Oprah likes applause . I just can 't ever seem to get enough so 4 ½ hours to me is like a catnap before a marathon . After driving for too many hours last night . I know , not ideal . Further along the miracle trolley , I shouldn 't have even woke up then . I set two alarms just in case , one being the hotel clock and one being my watch . I SET the motel clock but I didn 't exactly TURN ON the hotel clock alarm . Yes , I went through the trouble of setting the hour and minute of the alarm , made sure it was on AM and that ( by this time ) the current time was correctly AM , and then brilliantly set it down without the least bit of thought to actually turn the alarm on . Somewhere in the recesses of my mind was a beeping . . . far off . . . almost dreamily . " Why is something beeping ? Oh , if it 's my watch , why didn 't the motel alarm go off ? SHIT ! " I had taken the time to get everything ready like I always do so all I had to do was stumble toward the shower , fall into my clothes , and get out the door . All this was accomplished with minimal effort , culminating in my eating the last slice of cold pizza for a good luck gluttony - fest . Hey , I needed the carbs ! ! ! Normally , I despise " Continental Breakfasts . " Why ? Now this is really silly but it is because it 's free . For some reason I think that it has to cost something to be worth something . Irrational , I know , but nevertheless , that 's the way I 'm wired . But today , it was OK because I could down a little cup of yogurt ( didn 't HAVE to mix it becaue it was pre - mixed ) , a banana , and a small cup of coffee for the hopefully , uh , evacuation effects before the race . Remember , people , I downed an entire medium pizza in the last 8 hours and in some state , it was still in me . I drove to the high school where they were bussing us to the start line . This way , we would be " running back " to where we started , or ended . You know what I mean . I got on the bus and it was obviously for little kids so my knees were crammed into the seat in front of me . The only thing that interrupted my normal standoffishness of having my headphones on was a volunteer coming on the bus and welcoming us to the race . He also warned us to keep all arms , legs , and other body parts inside the bus at all times and that last year , someone had thrown out a water bottle . This caused the local police to pull the bus over and the race was delayed by a half hour . Can you imagine how embarrassing that would be for the offender ? And how much of an ass do you have to be to pull a school bus over , especially knowing that this marathon was the biggest thing that happens in the place all year . It 's not like the cop didn 't know . Yeah , yeah , public safety , yadda yadda . I don 't want to hear it , Chris . We got to another school in Galeton where we offloaded and headed to the bathrooms . Grown men waiting not - so - patiently in line for the crapper . It was quite a sight and more than a little pressure when you occupied one of the two stalls . Never had my natural functions been under such scrutiny because it was a regular stall . Something about actually being able to see the person 's feet and knowing when he sat , stood up , etc . caused the kind of pressure you didn 't want and that didn 't exist with the normal run - of - the - mill port - a - potties . The great thing about this race was that they had a lot of Gu . I am a Gu guy and train with the stuff without fail . So when they announced that there would be Gu at miles 5 , 10 , 15 , and 20 , I was thrilled . Five mile increments was exactly what I trained with so it was ideal . Plus , they had water stations every mile . Let me restate that : EVERY MILE ! ! ! ! Oh , this was just plain being spoiled . I milled around trying not to be nervous and trying to shut off the voice that was telling me I had not trained enough for this race . The weather was overcast and cool . All signs pointed toward a good race and I was more relaxed that I had been at the start line in a long time . The Voice was turned off and I was ready to race . Everything was going fine for the first 8 miles . I was clocking some good speeds and nothing was bothering me when I came up to another runner . The field was pretty spread out , not because of my speed but because of the number of people running it so coming up to another runner was a mini - event . As she scooted ahead of me when I ducked into the bathroom at mile 10 , I was glad that she had told me the layout of the course . She also gave me a little nugget of intel that I was very grateful for : the last mile of the 17 mile ascent was very steep . OK , I had my mental map and now all I had to do was execute . ( Maybe I should use a different term there . ) Knowing that the course would go uphill up to mile 17 somehow made it better . I can 't imagine what would be going through my mind if I hadn 't known . Probably something both vulgar and nearly unintelligible , I 'm sure . But this didn 't mean it wasn 't devoid of challenge . I hit the halfway point at 1 : 53 which was way faster than a sub - 4 hour finish time . That got me excited because I started thinking that yeah , I 'd slow down due to the distance but at the same time , it would be downhill and if I could clock that kind of pace going uphill , then going downhill I should at least be able to match that . It was one of the few moments I let myself think about time and pace . The rest of the time was just concentrating on keeping a rhythm , relaxing , and trying not to crap my running shorts . The 17th mile was no joke . What I didn 't know is that at the top , there was a ski resort so you do the mental image . I felt like I was a cripple walking up a flight of stairs . It was just pitiful . I got to the top and if I would have had anything left to celebrate with , I would have hooped and hollered . As it was , I kind of just grunted and whimpered . As promised , the road snaked downhill and my legs suddenly came back to life . In fact , they got really excited about the whole situation and I found myself falling down the mountain at an incredible pace . With my toes slamming to the front of my shoes , I must have been doing 7 minute miles . It was just so easy and after 17 miles of uphill drudgery , the body just kind of took over and said " You know what ? We 're going to run for awhile . " For the second time , I started doing math . I didn 't say I was doing it well , but I was doing it . After a few attempts ( a fact that I find depressing ) I came up with the calculation that I would only have to do 9 - minute miles to crack 4 hours . Then I put it out of my mind . Just run , Jason , for God 's sake , JUST RUN ! ! The memories run together but at some point I felt like pushing it to stay up with the pace . At another point I told myself to just run and let the time take care of itself , I 'd make it . Then it would turn to a conviction that I would not make it , that I would burn out . Then it would start over . The turning point came when it leveled out and I hit a small ( now HUGE ) uphill . Breaking my rule for the third time , I calculated that I would have to clock 8 minute miles for the last hour . I think that 's what did it . Suddenly , I was engulfed by the Wall . I slowed way down and started taking unscheduled walking breaks . Dammit ! ! ! I know what caused this and how to fix it . I always said that the first 20 miles are run with your legs and the last 6 are with your heart but let me update that assessment : the last 6 miles also have a lot to do with brute strength . I think the first 20 miles have a lot to do with long training runs but the last 6 have to do with weight training ; the raw strength in the muscle that it takes to push through those last 6 miles . Combined with the heart to extract that strength is the " heart " it takes but if you didn 't make the investment ( as I didn 't ) to get into the gym and boost up that raw strength , well , you 'd end up where I was at . It only got better when I accepted that I was not going to break 4 hours . Like all marathons , I found myself in the company of others that were fighting similar battles . We urged each other to get to the finish line and that it was almost over but your concentration swayed between their plight and your internal battles . The last mile was . . . the last mile . I 've put it many ways but usually fall into the category of " I can die at the end " and " this shit has got to get over like real quick . " So I pulled my bootstraps up and started clocking a pace that was not only acceptable anywhere in the race but rather impressive at this point . I passed about 3 people in that last mile because I was almost at a dead sprint , not exactly knowing where the end was because they wound the end around the downtown area and I didn 't know if the next corner was the final stretch or not . I only had to deal with two false finish lines until I saw the real one and sprinted across in 4 : 07 : 11 , the second best marathon finishing out of now 12 attempts . Like all finishes , I felt a combination of emotion and relief . I did it . Again . Finishing what only 1 / 10 of 1 % of humans ever accomplish . Stumbling around like Bambi on ice , I got my tiny medal and went over to the snack table . Downing another water , some fruit , a Gatorade , and one bite of bagel ( which was like bubble gum in my dehydrated mouth ) I hung around the area for a little bit waiting for them to post the times . Knowing I wasn 't going to be getting any kind of award other than the one I got , I decided to make my way back to the hotel room . I know that completing a marathon is its own reward but there is something inherently depressing about not having anyone there for you when you finish . I returned to the room where I had left a few hours before and the only differences was that I was shredded and the bed was made . Other than that . . . I took a shower and decided that sleep was in order . For three hours , I tossed , turned , sweat , and repeated . At least I didn 't cramp but I woke up soaking wet and decided another shower was in order before I went to dinner . Here was my thought process : I would be too tired and worn out to attempt an 8 hour drive after the marathon so I will stay in town that night and maybe meet up with other marathoners and we could all tell our stories over a celebration dinner somewhere . I had blown the whole " making plans " with anyone because of my pre - marathon stodginess and post - marathon haste to get back to the room and sleep . " Oh well " I thought " Maybe I 'll run into someone out in town . " Here is where I had seriously miscalculated on two points . First , that the other marathoners would be staying in town after the marathon . Second , that there would be a place for marathoners to gather , eat , share , celebrate , etc . In my idealized view , I would find a place replete with happy post - marathoners celebrating the day 's events , welcoming me with open arms and eager to hear my revelry . OK , everyone left . And by " everyone " I mean EVERYONE . I think some of the locals were not even around and by my estimates , there likely wasn 't more than a few hundred of those on their best day . I might have been the only marathoner still in the area and that 's no exaggeration . On top of that , the place was seriously lacking in any restaurants . I went up and down the only road in town and other than McDonalds ( which represented the ONLY major chain ) , everything else was taverns . Well , maybe Galeton , 26 miles away , has something plus this would give me the chance to see the course I ran today . So I drove all the way back and much like Coudersport , there was no restaurants . Criminy ! So I headed back and finally settled on a tavern about ¼ mile from my hotel . I was so hungry by this point that I was willing to eat a horse steak . With worm fries . Walking into the " café " I realized it was really just a bar and in fact , a bar that had been created by knocking down the walls of 3 or 4 hotel rooms . There was only one table full of people who not only had NOT run the marathon , but were the kind of people who would ask how long the marathon was . And why I 'd want to run it . Actually , I ordered a beer and a T - bone steak and she told me that it would be awhile because the big table had already ordered . Great , I 'd just sit there and read the book I brought , sipped my beer , and waited to be fed . Moo . Once again , I got on the deserted streets and headed toward the Golden Arches . I couldn 't decide between M & Ms or Oreo but my conundrum was solved when the high school kid informed me that all they had was small so that enabled me to get both . I know , but I was in a celebratory mood with all the craziness going on around me , I just kind of lost my sense . The plan was : get out of work early and get on the road to Pennsylvania , which was a good plan until I got snagged for a meeting at 1 : 00 PM . The revised plan was to get on the road by 3 : 00 PM and then get in by 10 : 00 PM . Even that had high suck - potential . Well , the meeting started late and went long . Why ? Because it was a meeting of course , complicated further by being on a Friday afternoon . So of course it started late and ran long . Why wouldn 't it ? The first ( of many ) snags I ran into was Friday night Washington DC traffic . How should I describe this … . hmmmm … how about " heinous " ? I really thought that since I was going the opposite way of rush hour traffic , I could sail right through . I didn 't even get to dog - paddle . This cost me about an hour and my mood flip - flopped many times , normally when I would think about how late I was going to get into town and how few hours I was going to have to sleep prior to this little marathon thing . No big deal , just 4 straight hours of running . Bah ! I figured that I needed to eat on the road and the normal choice was some sort of pasta . Have you ever tried to get pasta on the road ? Not existent or not pretty , take your pick . Then it hit me : pizza . It has all the carbs , all the protein , cheese , and all the fat disgusting grease one could hanker for . Plus , it 's easily edible on the road while driving . Could there be anything more perfect ? ( That 's a rhetorical question so for all you pervs out there , stop it ! ) Lesson : there is never a pizza joint anywhere near when you really need one . I finally found a " Rocky 's Pizzeria " way back in the woods somewhere and ordered me up a 14 inch pie with beef . Sounds easy enough , right ? Well , it seemed like a tall order for the local pizza joint employees in the general Pennsylvania area . Despite it being a PIZZA - themed restaurant , it took them about an hour to put together one for me and I was not amused . If you are keeping track , we are now at an hour past step - off time , an hour in traffic , and an hour to get a pizza . Things were shaping up beautifully . There is an art to eating pizza while driving . I mean I deserve some kind of award or something because I was giving a stellar performance , swerving only a few times and only once hearing the reverberations of my tires running over the warning grates on the side of the road . Stellar . And considering the open box with the A / C vents pointing at it ( to cool it fast and prevent soldering the inside of my mouth ) was steaming up the windows , I think " spectacular " wouldn 't be an exxageration in this case . Maybe even " epic " ! Time was ticking away and I was starting to get worried . By the time it got dark , I was entering the serious hills of Pennsylvania and the road started winding up , down , and around what I assume to be some areas I really didn 't want to go off road for fear of careening to my death . Then the fog started in and I had the mother of all driving conditions : tired , dark , foggy mountain roads . Let 's just throw a bit of rain in the mix just to complete the mood . Going 30 miles per hour when you can 't see 20 feet in front of you through the dark woods was fun . A veritable barrel of laughs . At one point I thought I might have made a wrong turn so I stopped . Getting out of the car to make a , um , personal pitstop , I got a little spooked . I realized I was way , way , WAY out in the middle of the woods so of course I heard things going bump in the night and looking back at the car , I realized that the headlights were giving off the absolute only light . I was in complete darkness except for my little magic life support system in the form of a Saturn . Wow , what a shitty little realization . The fog and roads cost me another hour so at about 1230 , I rolled into Coudersport ( from a direction I had not expected , having abandoned the Yahoo ! Maps directions and depending on the road signs by this point . ) . Keeping with my usual mode , I had to go see where I 'd be going to in the morning so after checking into my room , I drove the few miles I would take in just a few hours to get to the start line . Well , not the start line but actually the finish line . We would meet at the finish line and they would bus us to the start where we would run back . By 0100 , I was in bed , having laid out all my clothes so all I would have to do was to hop up , dress , and get out the door . Not the usual night before the marathon but not altogether a strange one . They are all filled with stress , I had just never pushed the arrival time this close where it would dust most of the sleep I would need . Good thing I 'd have adrenaline to carry me through in the morning . Neal Armstrong is all pissed off because his barber sold some of his hair clippings for $ 3000 . When I first read this , yeah , it was unsat . I mean , come on , how cheesy is selling someone 's cut hair , not to mention how scary is it that someone would buy it ? But then I got to thinking . Neal 's being an ass . Not about the hair thing , about the whole celebrity thing . He rarely grants interviews and shuns any fame he gets for what he did . I agree that some people shamelessly hang on to their celebrity and use it for all it 's worth , and then some . But he was the first freakin ' man on the moon ! ! ! Of all the billions and billions of people that have ever existed , he was the FIRST to set foot n a foreign body . And if you are that person , I 'm sorry but you are going to be famous and known for all time . When you accepted the mission , you should have taken into account that you would forever be enshrined in the human consciousness as one of the most famous people who ever lived . It 's human nature . This really pisses me off . Step up , Neal . The public deserves their hero and opportunity to see a piece of living EARTH history . No other generation will be able to say they shook the hand of the first human being that ever walked on the moon and it 's almost tragic to think that so many people were denied just because you refused to grant them such a magnificent gift . comment
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Happy Halloween ! Unfortunately , I am not spending the holiday at home , waiting for trick or treaters . I guess I will have to check with the boys to see if any kids show up . I have been stuck in DC for the last few days due to Hurricane Sandy . At least I got plenty of use out of my Pumpkin Shirt while I have been here ! At least a few days inside led to some super tasty treats . I made homemade ice cream sandwiches Sandy - wiches for my friends who let me stay with them while I waited until I could get a flight . I used the regular old Toll House Chocolate Chip Cookie recipe , but halfway through baking I took the tray out of the oven and banged it on the open oven door to flatten the cookies out and make them extra crispy . It 's my mom 's college roommate 's trick and the key to her amazing cookies . ( Although mine never come out quite as good as hers ) . My friends don 't have a standing or hand mixer , so I actually made the dough totally by hand ( don 't worry , we didn 't lose power from Sandy , but I would have been prepared ! ) . In a bit of kitchen trickery , I used a lemon juicer ( like this ) to cream the butter and sugar . It actually worked amazingly well ! While the cookies were still a little bit warm , I put blackberry ice cream between 2 cookies and wrapped them in Saran then threw them in the freezer for an hour or two . They came out perfectly ! It 's been great being back in DC - I had missed it ( and my camp friend ) a lot - but I 'm ready to head back to Chicago . Cross your fingers that I make it back tomorrow ! Have a great Halloween ! When we moved to Chicago a few months ago , I have to admit I was nervous . Not because I didn 't think we 'd love Chicago , but because we signed a lease before I 'd ever even stepped foot in the neighborhood we 'd be living in . I 'd gotten stuck in NYC with a cancelled flight after a business trip , and was unable to make it out to Chicago the weekend that the Monkey Scientist and our roommate came to look at places . Still , I trusted their judgement and I quickly realized how much I love our part of town ! One of the best restaurants in our area is the Southport Grocery & Cafe . A coworker had actually told me about it before I moved and I was not disappointed . Their brunch is top notch and their cupcakes are out of this world . And I moved from DC , land of cupcake shops . Plus they have a great little market with high end ingredients like jellies , pickles , sprinkles and real maple syrup . So when I heard they host a " Secret Supper " once a month , I knew I needed to get an invite . I grabbed 4 seats to the October party as soon as I heard about it ( by joining their email list ) for me , my bff , my roommate and the MS . All of the food was really a step above anywhere we 've gone lately . My favorite course was the clam chowder . Now I 'm a New England girl , and this was some seriously good clam chowder . The liquid wasn 't too thick and there was a great substance - to - liquid ratio . I hate when there are big chunks of potatoes in chowder , but these were perfectly diced and the texture was offset by crispy shallots . The clams were cooked exactly how I like them - just a bit chewy and not at all briny . Plus the sourdough bread bowl they baked upstairs was perfection . Sourdough is my favorite bread by far - I think I could live off of it . I couldn 't ask for anything more out of this course ( except for , well , more ) . The main course was a Pork Confit and Orchiette served in a large mug . As the Monkey Scientist put it , there might not be anything better than a mug full of pork . It was topped with currants and a juniper gelee , and was mixed with local arugula and carrots . Some of our table found it a bit sweet , and I thought the sauce might have been a little heavy . Plus , cooked carrots just don 't do it for me . It wasn 't the highlight of the meal but it was really great nonetheless . For dessert , we were served a pumpkin rice pudding with a black sesame lace cookie . I 'm not sure I 'd ever had a homemade lace cookie before , but now I 'm determined to make them myself . They melt in your mouth and have the perfect bit of crunch . Sesame seeds aren 't my favorite thing ever so I might experiment with other things I can put in the caramel if I make them at home . The rice pudding sitting below the cookie was great too . Rice pudding is one of my favorite desserts . To be honest , I think we all expected a little more pumpkin flavor , but it was topped with dried cranberries and candied ginger which was amazing . I loved the mason jar presentation , too ! The only thing I didn 't capture was the special treat at the end of the meal . They had homemade Reese 's , Three Muskeeter , Almond Joy , and Butterfingers that their pastry chef had whipped up for us . I think we all felt sweets overload at the end of the meal ( OK everyone but me . I don 't understand sweets overload until it 's way too late ) but they were absolutely delightful , albeit a bit melty . I especially liked the Butterfinger and thought the Three Musketeers was unique and delicious ( the consistency was denser than the original ) . This was definitely a special dinner for us ( we even got a bottle of wine , and we never drink at dinner ) , but I 'm hoping we can go to another Secret Supper sometime ( maybe if my folks come visit ! ) . It was a blast ! Now that autumn is in full - swing , all I want to do is go apple picking . Unfortunately , the weather has not cooperated between the drought and early heat this spring - which led to a small harvest this year - and the rain storms we 've had lately . I tried to plan a big trip and we had tornado warnings all weekend . Such a bummer . Still , there have been great Honeycrisps from Michigan at the grocery store and I 've really been enjoying them ! This weekend , I decided that if I was going to eat apples inside in the rain , I needed to dip them in caramel . This recipe was SUPER easy . I think I could have let the sugar get a little bit deeper caramelization , but I was so afraid of burning it that I pulled it off a little early . Next time I 'll let it get a little darker . This recipe is fantastic though ! I brought the leftovers to the Monkey Scientist 's parents - I 'm hoping his mom uses it to make some spectacular baked goods . It would be wonderful swirled in brownies or cake ! 1 . Heat sugar and water in a 2 - quart or 3 - quart non - stick saucepan over medium - high heat . Stir to help the sugar dissolve , but stop stirring when the sugar comes to a boil . You can swirl the pan a bit if you want . 2 . When the liquid sugar hits a dark amber color ( I don 't think I waited quite long enough ) , add all the butter to the pan . The mixture will foam up and thicken . Whisk until the butter has melted . Once the butter has melted , take the pan off the heat . 5 . Let cool in the pan for a couple minutes , then pour into a glass jar and let cool to room temperature . Don 't worry if the sauce seems a bit too thin at first , it will thicken as it cools . Store in the refrigerator for up to 2 weeks . Warm before serving to loosen it up again . When I first met the Monkey Scientist , he was taking his MCAT and getting ready to apply for med school . I knew when I met him that he probably wouldn 't be staying in DC , but I think it only took about 3 months of dating before I agreed I 'd probably move wherever he went . The main reason being that I knew he was from Chicago and therefore that 's where he 'd probably end up . After college , a whole bunch of my friends moved to Chicago ( and my baby brother is here for college ) , so I 'd actually been contemplating a move here long before I met him - he was just giving me the push I really needed to make it happen . Lucky for me , this is exactly what happened . By the time we moved here , some of my Chicago friends had moved on to other places , but some were just moving here and others were contemplating moving back . It 's been so wonderful being close to family and friends , even though it 's meant leaving some DC friends behind . This week was a great example - we had my college roommate and her boyfriend over . She 's one of my favorite friends and we went through a lot together in college , so it feels like old times when we eat with her . For this particular meal , I decided to make one of my favorite comfort foods - risotto . My college roommate and I learned to make risotto when we shared a tiny bedroom in our first apartment . It was so small , we could lie in bed and hold hands - despite our twin beds being up against opposite walls . We would often lay in bed late at night or on a lazy Sunday and watch Food Network . That year was a huge learning experience for me cooking . It was my first time living on my own in a place with a kitchen and we spent loads of time experimenting with all different recipes . The risotto we made in college always started with shallots and was pretty simple , but the basic technique for this was the same . This version is just perfect for fall , though . It fit well with ingredients I had leftover from making this pizza a few days prior ( but with bacon instead of proscuitto , duh ) . The butternut squash adds the perfect bit of sweetness to risotto . The smell of grated butternut squash mixed with the chopped sage smelled perfectly like October . And now that it 's getting cold outside , risotto is just the perfect stick - to - your - ribs food . We all really loved this recipe and I 'm sure your family will , too ! 2 . Meanwhile , heat the oil in a large saucepan over medium heat . Add the onion , salt and pepper and cook for 4 minutes or until the onions become translucent . Add the chopped sage and cook for 1 minute . Add the grated squash and garlic and cook until the squash begins to soften , about 3 minutes . 3 . Add rice and cook , stirring constantly , for 3 minutes , or until the rice becomes somewhat translucent . Add the wine and cook , stirring frequently , until the liquid is absorbed , about 3 minutes . 4 . Keeping the stove on medium to medium low , add the broth , 1 / 2 cup at a time , stirring as you add more and then occasionally while it 's absorbing . Waiting until it is absorbed before adding another 1 / 2 cup . To tell when it 's time to add more , I like to push the rice to the side so I have a little well in the middle where I can see the bottom of the pan . If that well has liquid in it , stir and wait a minute . If it 's really dry , time for more liquid . It should take about 30 minutes for all of the broth to be absorbed . Start with 4 cups and taste it . If the rice is still really hard , keep adding until it has a bite but doesn 't taste uncooked . When it 's almost done , squeeze the lemon juice in and stir to absorb . 3 . Remove from heat and stir in the Parmesan . Spoon into individual bowls . For presentation , you can garnish with chopped sage ( or in my case , chopped chives ) . A couple weeks ago , my friends and I participated in a scavenger hunt to raise money for a local hospital . I agreed I 'd make our team uniforms , so I decided I 'd make us orange shirts with Jack - O - Lantern faces . I thought it would be a fun way to bring in the Halloween spirit , plus we can always use them again for Halloween . To save money , I wanted this to be a total DIY project ! The t - shirts are just men 's undershirts that I bought in a 6 - pack at Target . I dyed them with Rit liquid dye from Michael 's . At first , I attempted to dye them ombre , so they faded from white to dark orange , but I couldn 't get a straight line across the top so it didn 't look very good . Then I tried to just make a fade from light to dark orange , and although there is some fade I ran out of time and patience to make it very distinct . I think if you waited long enough , though , it could be very cool . I decided to paint on the faces using fabric paint and a stencil I cut out of cardboard . At first , I tried to use spray fabric paint on a tester piece of paper but it really didn 't work well at all . Instead , I used regular fabric paint and a sponge brush to paint it on . Since it 's hard to make brush strokes on fabric , I basically dabbed the paint inside my stencil with the sponge brush . Although we didn 't win our scavenger hunt , I am really happy with how our shirts came out . And they ended up only costing about $ 30 for 6 shirts ( I only made 5 , but I had enough to make 6 ) . We wore them with these cute Jack - O - Lantern socks that I got for $ 1 at Target . Sadly , I 'm going to be on a business trip on Halloween , but I 'm going to bring along my shirt to wear at night . I 'm sad that I will miss any trick - or - treaters we get ( I 'm not really sure we 'll even get any , but the odds are better than when I lived in a high rise apartment in DC ) , but I plan on dressing up the weekend before while I 'm visiting DC . I think I 'm going to be Jordyn Wieber , since I received so many phone calls during the Olympics that I sort of look like her . What are you going to be ? I have owed you this blog post for a long time now . I actually made this brisket for Rosh Hashana . . . which somehow became nearly a month ago . Time has been slipping away from me so quickly - I can 't believe it 's mid - October . Anyways , even though it took me a long time , I had to share this recipe with you . It 's probably the best piece of meat I 've ever cooked . Although I 've hosted a few Passover dinners , this was my first time hosting Rosh Hashana . Now that we 're living in Chicago , we are lucky enough to be able to share the holidays with the Monkey Scientist 's family . We had his parents , brother , and brother 's girlfriend over for Rosh and it was the best time . They 're all so nice and wonderful to be around . And the food was beyond plentiful . We had enough to feed at least 10 more people ! I guess that 's what happens when you literally cook from Friday night until Sunday night for just about every waking hour . . . . The star of the meal was definitely this brisket . I hid it behind some tzimmes ( which wasn 't so popular at Rosh night 1 , but was a hit when I brought the leftovers to a friend 's house for night two ! ) , but it still managed to shine . Although this recipe takes a long time , Nach Waxman is the man to trust when it comes to brisket . After all , he owns the largest food - related book store in the country ! I should warn you , however , that you have to slice 8 onions for this recipe . EIGHT . For anyone who knows me , you know I have the wateriest eyes in the world when I chuckled . When I chop one onion I 'm sobbing . When I chop 8 ? I actually couldn 't close my eyes for a good 12 hours . I might recommend buying onion goggles . They have to work better than the torture I put myself through ! ! I haven 't eaten a lot of brisket in my life , but this is far and away the BEST brisket I have ever tried . ( Yes , better than my old favorite , the Southwestern Pulled Brisket , but that 's wonderful in it 's own way ) . It is tender , juicy , and just takes like beef should . There 's nothing frilly or sweet , it 's just perfect . And the best part ? It gets better in the fridge for the next day or two . That is , if there are any leftovers . It 's a lot of work , but your family will love you if you make this . I promise . 2 . Lightly dust the brisket with flour , then sprinkle it with pepper . Heat the oil in the pot over medium - high heat . Add the brisket to the pot and cook on both sides until crusty and browned areas appear on the surface here and there , 5 to 7 minutes per side . 3 . Transfer the brisket to a platter . Turn up the heat under the pot a bit , then add the onions and cook , stirring constantly with a wooden spoon and scraping up any browned bits stuck to the bottom of the pot . Cook until the onions have softened and developed a rich brown color but aren 't yet caramelized , 10 to 15 minutes . 4 . Turn off the heat and place the brisket on top of the onions . Pour any juices that accumulated on the platter over the brisket . Spread the tomato paste over the brisket as if you were icing a cake . Sprinkle the brisket with salt and pepper , then add the garlic and carrot to the pot . Cover the pot , transfer it to the oven , and let it cook , untouched , for 1 1 / 2 hours . 5 . Transfer the brisket to a cutting board . Using a very sharp knife , thinly slice the meat across the grain into approximately 1 / 8 - inch - thick slices . Return the slices to the pot , overlapping them at an angle so that you can see a bit of the top edge of each slice . The end result should resemble the original unsliced brisket leaning slightly backward . If absolutely necessary , add 2 to 3 teaspoons of water to the pot . 6 . Cover the pot and return it to the oven . Lower the heat to 325 ° F and cook until the brisket is fork - tender , about 2 hours more . Check once or twice during cooking to make sure that the liquid hasn 't bubbled away . ( Mine had more than enough liquid , maybe from not trimming enough fat . ) If it has , add a few more teaspoons of water - but no more . Also , each time you check , spoon some of the liquid on top of the roast so that it drips down between the slices . 7 . It 's ready to serve right away with its juices , but it 's even better the second day . Let the brisket cool , cover it loosely with foil , and refrigerate it overnight to serve the day after . Skim any fat from the surface of the liquid and reheat the brisket , covered , in an oven turned to 325 ° F for about an hour . I had these last week and I have been waiting very impatiently to share them with you . Omigoodness . Now , I could bake little red potatoes covered in olive oil every day and probably be quiet happy . They 're definitely a favorite comfort food . But add rosemary and feta cheese ? Deliciousness . We served these with some simply seared and baked bone - in , skin - on chicken thighs and they were perfection . They 're perfectly salty and fill my ever - existent carb need . They actually crisp up so nicely that you can pick them up with your hands , which means I think they can pass for appetizers ( as long as you use little enough potatoes ) . This recipe is so super simple , I promise anyone can pull it off and impress their guests ! 2 . Place stabbed side up , in a single layer , on the baking sheet . Drizzle with a good amount of olive oil . 3 . Bake 35 - 50 minutes , until fork can be inserted easily . Remove the baking sheet from the oven , and cut a deep X into each potato . With a fork or a paper towel , push the top of each potato until it opens ( it will look messy ) . 4 . Drizzle each potato with a bunch more olive oil . Sprinkle with feta cheese , rosemary leaves , salt and pepper ( they won 't need much salt - I think I forgot the salt and pepper and they only were lacking the pepper ) . Return to the oven and bake for an additional 15 - 20 minutes until the edges and cheese are golden - brown and crunchy . The strangest thing happened today . I woke up and was dead set on making tourtière , for no apparent reason . One of my mom 's best friends is French Canadian ( although she has always lived in the States ) and every year for Christmas she makes the most delicious meat pie , called tourtière , that her family made growing up . She knows I love it , so she always makes an extra and has us for dinner sometime the following week so that I can enjoy it . It 's become something I look forward to each winter . A couple years ago , I decided I wanted to make it myself . I dug around looking at recipes online and emailed my mom 's friend for the recipe . I had it sitting in my inbox for almost 2 years , but I never got around to making it ! So this morning , I dug it up and decided I just had to make it . The Monkey Scientist thought I was crazy ( Canadian food ? ) but he couldn 't say no to meat and pie . So I went to the store , and got everything I needed , and made two pies ( one to eat , one to freeze for another night this winter ) . We ate and enjoyed them and the Monkey Scientist went back to studying . Then I was online and realized that - by total coincidence - it is Canadian Thanksgiving tomorrow . Although I 've always known this to be a Christmas dish , it appears that it is also eaten on Thanksgiving in Canada . The Monkey Scientist told me he thinks I have a 6th sense for Canadian holidays - what do you think ? As far as the recipe goes , this one is something I will keep around . It is the perfect meal for a cold day because it 's so warm - both in temperature and from the cinnamon , all spice , nutmeg and cloves . It just tastes like a Christmas night by the fire in New Hampshire to me . The Monkey Scientist and I liked it with a little Chulula on top , but it is just great on it 's own as part of a holiday meal - whether it 's Canadian Thanksgiving , US Thanksgiving , Christmas , New Years , or just a winter 's night with the family . 2 . In a very large pot , bring several cups of water to a boil , then add the potatoes and onions . Cook about 20 minutes , or until potatoes can be easily pierced with a knife . 3 . Drain the water , and return the potatoes and onions to the pot . Add the pork , beef , 1 1 / 2 c water , salt , pepper , allspice , cinnamon , nutmeg , and ground cloves to the pot . Bring to a boil , then reduce heat and simmer , covered , for 1 hour . 4 . When the meat is done cooking , drain the liquid into a bowl and place the meat into a separate bowl . Put both bowls in the refrigerator and chill for at least an hour . 5 . In a large bowl , combine the flour and salt . Add in the shortening and cut with a pastry cutter until you have pea - sized clumps . 6 . Add the egg , vinegar , and ice water to the flour and shortening mixture . Work into a soft , cohesive dough ball . Cut the dough into quarters . On a well - floured surface , roll out each quarter of the dough ball into rounds for the bottoms and tops of each pie . Transfer one pie crust into each of your your two pie dishes . 7 . Remove the liquid and meat from the fridge . Scrape the solidified fat off the top of the liquid and discard . Fill each of your pie dishes with half of the meat mixture . Top with one tablespoon of the liquid in each pie . Top your pies off with your last two pie crusts and pinch edges to seal . Cut slits in the top of each crust so that steam can escape . 8 . Brush the tops of the pies with milk . Bake in the preheated oven for 50 minutes or until golden brown . Serve immediately or freeze until you 're ready to serve . The cold has really started to set in here in Chicago ! I grew up in Boston and went to school in Michigan , so I 'm no stranger to the cold , but somehow 3 winters in DC has made me a little unprepared for the cold . I 've been wearing what was my DC - winter coat for two weeks already ! And it 's only getting colder from here . . . I can 't complain too much though , it is October . But seriously , when did that happen ? Wasn 't it August like , yesterday ? A quick note : I wrote this post about a week ago , when it was still 40 or 50 degrees outside . Since then , we 've had a couple of really gorgeous days ( today it might even hit 80 ! ) and I have been so appreciative . But there is no denying that the cold weather is coming back and there will be much more soup to come ! ! Anyways , there is one great thing about the colder weather . It 's soup season ! ! ! I have been on a bit of a mini meatball kick for a few weeks now . It started when I had a sudden urge to make rigatoni with mini meatballs a few weeks ago ( and yeah , that was amazing ) and is continuing with this soup . The only thing I don 't like about mini meatballs is rolling all of them . It takes forever and my hands get so dried out with meat . If you have kids , this is where I recommend bringing them into the kitchen and putting them to work ! ! ( Or sending them over to me , I 'll put them to work ! Just be sure to take them home with you after , please . ) I never used to be a huge kale fan , but I like it a lot in this soup ! If you buy it at Trader Joe 's , it 's already washed and perfectly cut for this soup . However , they give you more than you need in a bag , so use only like half a bag . It wilts down , but not so much . Just use your best judgement . The first soup of the season was a tasty one ! The Monkey Scientist said , " That 's a good soup ! " I liked that it had so many components - vegetables , pasta , and savory meatballs . It is leaps and bounds above the canned Italian wedding soup , which in my opinion isn 't even worth eating . If you like this soup , be sure to check out my Mini Chicken Meatball soup . It 's similar and delicious in it 's own way ! 2 . In a large Dutch oven , combine chicken broth , carrots , garlic , and kale . Cover and bring to a boil over medium - high heat , then lower and simmer 30 - 40 minutes until the carrots are tender . 3 . Combine the cheese , eggs , bread crumbs , salt , pepper , red pepper flakes , and worcestershire in a medium bowl . Add meat and combine with your hands but don 't overmix . Roll into 1 " balls and line along the cooking sheet . Drizzle over the top of the meatballs with olive oil . Bake 15 - 20 minutes , or until cooked through . 4 . When the carrots are tender and the meatballs are still cooking , add the pasta to the Dutch oven and cook 10 minutes ( or according to package instructions ) . Turn off the heat and , once cooked , add the meatballs to the soup . I realize I 've been sharing a lot more crafts than food with you lately , but I just had to show you my latest creation . I got the idea from Artzy Creations , but I had to adapt a little because I couldn 't find a wood cutout in the shape of an owl ( or anything big enough for a clock , really ) . So I bought another shape I liked , thinking I 'd just do something abstract , and halfway through I realized it was still looking like an owl , so I just went for it . I am really happy with how it came out ! You can find all of the instructions over on Artzy Creations . I got all of my pieces at Michael 's . The paper I used was for sale on the 25 cent rack ! I got a few packs with all different patterns - I think I 'll be able to use them for lots of crafts . The only major problem I encountered was that , because I used a big piece of wood and not a wood cut out , the clock wasn 't long enough to go all the way through the wood . I needed to take a big hunk of wood out of the back for the clock to fit in . Of course , I don 't have any very fancy tools , so I went to the hardware store and for $ 5 they did it for me ! It was a great deal if you ask me . And while we 're talking crafts , I also decoupaged this vase with some tissue paper I had around the house . Then I picked up these flowers for only $ 3 . 99 at Trader Joe 's on Sunday - my place feels so fun and autumnal ! It was a very crafty week ! What do you think of my mod podge creations ? I am pretty excited about them ! Don 't worry though , there is a food recipe coming soon !
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Happy Halloween ! Unfortunately , I am not spending the holiday at home , waiting for trick or treaters . I guess I will have to check with the boys to see if any kids show up . I have been stuck in DC for the last few days due to Hurricane Sandy . At least I got plenty of use out of my Pumpkin Shirt while I have been here ! At least a few days inside led to some super tasty treats . I made homemade ice cream sandwiches Sandy - wiches for my friends who let me stay with them while I waited until I could get a flight . I used the regular old Toll House Chocolate Chip Cookie recipe , but halfway through baking I took the tray out of the oven and banged it on the open oven door to flatten the cookies out and make them extra crispy . It 's my mom 's college roommate 's trick and the key to her amazing cookies . ( Although mine never come out quite as good as hers ) . My friends don 't have a standing or hand mixer , so I actually made the dough totally by hand ( don 't worry , we didn 't lose power from Sandy , but I would have been prepared ! ) . In a bit of kitchen trickery , I used a lemon juicer ( like this ) to cream the butter and sugar . It actually worked amazingly well ! While the cookies were still a little bit warm , I put blackberry ice cream between 2 cookies and wrapped them in Saran then threw them in the freezer for an hour or two . They came out perfectly ! It 's been great being back in DC - I had missed it ( and my camp friend ) a lot - but I 'm ready to head back to Chicago . Cross your fingers that I make it back tomorrow ! Have a great Halloween ! When we moved to Chicago a few months ago , I have to admit I was nervous . Not because I didn 't think we 'd love Chicago , but because we signed a lease before I 'd ever even stepped foot in the neighborhood we 'd be living in . I 'd gotten stuck in NYC with a cancelled flight after a business trip , and was unable to make it out to Chicago the weekend that the Monkey Scientist and our roommate came to look at places . Still , I trusted their judgement and I quickly realized how much I love our part of town ! One of the best restaurants in our area is the Southport Grocery & Cafe . A coworker had actually told me about it before I moved and I was not disappointed . Their brunch is top notch and their cupcakes are out of this world . And I moved from DC , land of cupcake shops . Plus they have a great little market with high end ingredients like jellies , pickles , sprinkles and real maple syrup . So when I heard they host a " Secret Supper " once a month , I knew I needed to get an invite . I grabbed 4 seats to the October party as soon as I heard about it ( by joining their email list ) for me , my bff , my roommate and the MS . All of the food was really a step above anywhere we 've gone lately . My favorite course was the clam chowder . Now I 'm a New England girl , and this was some seriously good clam chowder . The liquid wasn 't too thick and there was a great substance - to - liquid ratio . I hate when there are big chunks of potatoes in chowder , but these were perfectly diced and the texture was offset by crispy shallots . The clams were cooked exactly how I like them - just a bit chewy and not at all briny . Plus the sourdough bread bowl they baked upstairs was perfection . Sourdough is my favorite bread by far - I think I could live off of it . I couldn 't ask for anything more out of this course ( except for , well , more ) . The main course was a Pork Confit and Orchiette served in a large mug . As the Monkey Scientist put it , there might not be anything better than a mug full of pork . It was topped with currants and a juniper gelee , and was mixed with local arugula and carrots . Some of our table found it a bit sweet , and I thought the sauce might have been a little heavy . Plus , cooked carrots just don 't do it for me . It wasn 't the highlight of the meal but it was really great nonetheless . For dessert , we were served a pumpkin rice pudding with a black sesame lace cookie . I 'm not sure I 'd ever had a homemade lace cookie before , but now I 'm determined to make them myself . They melt in your mouth and have the perfect bit of crunch . Sesame seeds aren 't my favorite thing ever so I might experiment with other things I can put in the caramel if I make them at home . The rice pudding sitting below the cookie was great too . Rice pudding is one of my favorite desserts . To be honest , I think we all expected a little more pumpkin flavor , but it was topped with dried cranberries and candied ginger which was amazing . I loved the mason jar presentation , too ! The only thing I didn 't capture was the special treat at the end of the meal . They had homemade Reese 's , Three Muskeeter , Almond Joy , and Butterfingers that their pastry chef had whipped up for us . I think we all felt sweets overload at the end of the meal ( OK everyone but me . I don 't understand sweets overload until it 's way too late ) but they were absolutely delightful , albeit a bit melty . I especially liked the Butterfinger and thought the Three Musketeers was unique and delicious ( the consistency was denser than the original ) . This was definitely a special dinner for us ( we even got a bottle of wine , and we never drink at dinner ) , but I 'm hoping we can go to another Secret Supper sometime ( maybe if my folks come visit ! ) . It was a blast ! Now that autumn is in full - swing , all I want to do is go apple picking . Unfortunately , the weather has not cooperated between the drought and early heat this spring - which led to a small harvest this year - and the rain storms we 've had lately . I tried to plan a big trip and we had tornado warnings all weekend . Such a bummer . Still , there have been great Honeycrisps from Michigan at the grocery store and I 've really been enjoying them ! This weekend , I decided that if I was going to eat apples inside in the rain , I needed to dip them in caramel . This recipe was SUPER easy . I think I could have let the sugar get a little bit deeper caramelization , but I was so afraid of burning it that I pulled it off a little early . Next time I 'll let it get a little darker . This recipe is fantastic though ! I brought the leftovers to the Monkey Scientist 's parents - I 'm hoping his mom uses it to make some spectacular baked goods . It would be wonderful swirled in brownies or cake ! 1 . Heat sugar and water in a 2 - quart or 3 - quart non - stick saucepan over medium - high heat . Stir to help the sugar dissolve , but stop stirring when the sugar comes to a boil . You can swirl the pan a bit if you want . 2 . When the liquid sugar hits a dark amber color ( I don 't think I waited quite long enough ) , add all the butter to the pan . The mixture will foam up and thicken . Whisk until the butter has melted . Once the butter has melted , take the pan off the heat . 5 . Let cool in the pan for a couple minutes , then pour into a glass jar and let cool to room temperature . Don 't worry if the sauce seems a bit too thin at first , it will thicken as it cools . Store in the refrigerator for up to 2 weeks . Warm before serving to loosen it up again . When I first met the Monkey Scientist , he was taking his MCAT and getting ready to apply for med school . I knew when I met him that he probably wouldn 't be staying in DC , but I think it only took about 3 months of dating before I agreed I 'd probably move wherever he went . The main reason being that I knew he was from Chicago and therefore that 's where he 'd probably end up . After college , a whole bunch of my friends moved to Chicago ( and my baby brother is here for college ) , so I 'd actually been contemplating a move here long before I met him - he was just giving me the push I really needed to make it happen . Lucky for me , this is exactly what happened . By the time we moved here , some of my Chicago friends had moved on to other places , but some were just moving here and others were contemplating moving back . It 's been so wonderful being close to family and friends , even though it 's meant leaving some DC friends behind . This week was a great example - we had my college roommate and her boyfriend over . She 's one of my favorite friends and we went through a lot together in college , so it feels like old times when we eat with her . For this particular meal , I decided to make one of my favorite comfort foods - risotto . My college roommate and I learned to make risotto when we shared a tiny bedroom in our first apartment . It was so small , we could lie in bed and hold hands - despite our twin beds being up against opposite walls . We would often lay in bed late at night or on a lazy Sunday and watch Food Network . That year was a huge learning experience for me cooking . It was my first time living on my own in a place with a kitchen and we spent loads of time experimenting with all different recipes . The risotto we made in college always started with shallots and was pretty simple , but the basic technique for this was the same . This version is just perfect for fall , though . It fit well with ingredients I had leftover from making this pizza a few days prior ( but with bacon instead of proscuitto , duh ) . The butternut squash adds the perfect bit of sweetness to risotto . The smell of grated butternut squash mixed with the chopped sage smelled perfectly like October . And now that it 's getting cold outside , risotto is just the perfect stick - to - your - ribs food . We all really loved this recipe and I 'm sure your family will , too ! 2 . Meanwhile , heat the oil in a large saucepan over medium heat . Add the onion , salt and pepper and cook for 4 minutes or until the onions become translucent . Add the chopped sage and cook for 1 minute . Add the grated squash and garlic and cook until the squash begins to soften , about 3 minutes . 3 . Add rice and cook , stirring constantly , for 3 minutes , or until the rice becomes somewhat translucent . Add the wine and cook , stirring frequently , until the liquid is absorbed , about 3 minutes . 4 . Keeping the stove on medium to medium low , add the broth , 1 / 2 cup at a time , stirring as you add more and then occasionally while it 's absorbing . Waiting until it is absorbed before adding another 1 / 2 cup . To tell when it 's time to add more , I like to push the rice to the side so I have a little well in the middle where I can see the bottom of the pan . If that well has liquid in it , stir and wait a minute . If it 's really dry , time for more liquid . It should take about 30 minutes for all of the broth to be absorbed . Start with 4 cups and taste it . If the rice is still really hard , keep adding until it has a bite but doesn 't taste uncooked . When it 's almost done , squeeze the lemon juice in and stir to absorb . 3 . Remove from heat and stir in the Parmesan . Spoon into individual bowls . For presentation , you can garnish with chopped sage ( or in my case , chopped chives ) . A couple weeks ago , my friends and I participated in a scavenger hunt to raise money for a local hospital . I agreed I 'd make our team uniforms , so I decided I 'd make us orange shirts with Jack - O - Lantern faces . I thought it would be a fun way to bring in the Halloween spirit , plus we can always use them again for Halloween . To save money , I wanted this to be a total DIY project ! The t - shirts are just men 's undershirts that I bought in a 6 - pack at Target . I dyed them with Rit liquid dye from Michael 's . At first , I attempted to dye them ombre , so they faded from white to dark orange , but I couldn 't get a straight line across the top so it didn 't look very good . Then I tried to just make a fade from light to dark orange , and although there is some fade I ran out of time and patience to make it very distinct . I think if you waited long enough , though , it could be very cool . I decided to paint on the faces using fabric paint and a stencil I cut out of cardboard . At first , I tried to use spray fabric paint on a tester piece of paper but it really didn 't work well at all . Instead , I used regular fabric paint and a sponge brush to paint it on . Since it 's hard to make brush strokes on fabric , I basically dabbed the paint inside my stencil with the sponge brush . Although we didn 't win our scavenger hunt , I am really happy with how our shirts came out . And they ended up only costing about $ 30 for 6 shirts ( I only made 5 , but I had enough to make 6 ) . We wore them with these cute Jack - O - Lantern socks that I got for $ 1 at Target . Sadly , I 'm going to be on a business trip on Halloween , but I 'm going to bring along my shirt to wear at night . I 'm sad that I will miss any trick - or - treaters we get ( I 'm not really sure we 'll even get any , but the odds are better than when I lived in a high rise apartment in DC ) , but I plan on dressing up the weekend before while I 'm visiting DC . I think I 'm going to be Jordyn Wieber , since I received so many phone calls during the Olympics that I sort of look like her . What are you going to be ? I have owed you this blog post for a long time now . I actually made this brisket for Rosh Hashana . . . which somehow became nearly a month ago . Time has been slipping away from me so quickly - I can 't believe it 's mid - October . Anyways , even though it took me a long time , I had to share this recipe with you . It 's probably the best piece of meat I 've ever cooked . Although I 've hosted a few Passover dinners , this was my first time hosting Rosh Hashana . Now that we 're living in Chicago , we are lucky enough to be able to share the holidays with the Monkey Scientist 's family . We had his parents , brother , and brother 's girlfriend over for Rosh and it was the best time . They 're all so nice and wonderful to be around . And the food was beyond plentiful . We had enough to feed at least 10 more people ! I guess that 's what happens when you literally cook from Friday night until Sunday night for just about every waking hour . . . . The star of the meal was definitely this brisket . I hid it behind some tzimmes ( which wasn 't so popular at Rosh night 1 , but was a hit when I brought the leftovers to a friend 's house for night two ! ) , but it still managed to shine . Although this recipe takes a long time , Nach Waxman is the man to trust when it comes to brisket . After all , he owns the largest food - related book store in the country ! I should warn you , however , that you have to slice 8 onions for this recipe . EIGHT . For anyone who knows me , you know I have the wateriest eyes in the world when I chuckled . When I chop one onion I 'm sobbing . When I chop 8 ? I actually couldn 't close my eyes for a good 12 hours . I might recommend buying onion goggles . They have to work better than the torture I put myself through ! ! I haven 't eaten a lot of brisket in my life , but this is far and away the BEST brisket I have ever tried . ( Yes , better than my old favorite , the Southwestern Pulled Brisket , but that 's wonderful in it 's own way ) . It is tender , juicy , and just takes like beef should . There 's nothing frilly or sweet , it 's just perfect . And the best part ? It gets better in the fridge for the next day or two . That is , if there are any leftovers . It 's a lot of work , but your family will love you if you make this . I promise . 2 . Lightly dust the brisket with flour , then sprinkle it with pepper . Heat the oil in the pot over medium - high heat . Add the brisket to the pot and cook on both sides until crusty and browned areas appear on the surface here and there , 5 to 7 minutes per side . 3 . Transfer the brisket to a platter . Turn up the heat under the pot a bit , then add the onions and cook , stirring constantly with a wooden spoon and scraping up any browned bits stuck to the bottom of the pot . Cook until the onions have softened and developed a rich brown color but aren 't yet caramelized , 10 to 15 minutes . 4 . Turn off the heat and place the brisket on top of the onions . Pour any juices that accumulated on the platter over the brisket . Spread the tomato paste over the brisket as if you were icing a cake . Sprinkle the brisket with salt and pepper , then add the garlic and carrot to the pot . Cover the pot , transfer it to the oven , and let it cook , untouched , for 1 1 / 2 hours . 5 . Transfer the brisket to a cutting board . Using a very sharp knife , thinly slice the meat across the grain into approximately 1 / 8 - inch - thick slices . Return the slices to the pot , overlapping them at an angle so that you can see a bit of the top edge of each slice . The end result should resemble the original unsliced brisket leaning slightly backward . If absolutely necessary , add 2 to 3 teaspoons of water to the pot . 6 . Cover the pot and return it to the oven . Lower the heat to 325 ° F and cook until the brisket is fork - tender , about 2 hours more . Check once or twice during cooking to make sure that the liquid hasn 't bubbled away . ( Mine had more than enough liquid , maybe from not trimming enough fat . ) If it has , add a few more teaspoons of water - but no more . Also , each time you check , spoon some of the liquid on top of the roast so that it drips down between the slices . 7 . It 's ready to serve right away with its juices , but it 's even better the second day . Let the brisket cool , cover it loosely with foil , and refrigerate it overnight to serve the day after . Skim any fat from the surface of the liquid and reheat the brisket , covered , in an oven turned to 325 ° F for about an hour . I had these last week and I have been waiting very impatiently to share them with you . Omigoodness . Now , I could bake little red potatoes covered in olive oil every day and probably be quiet happy . They 're definitely a favorite comfort food . But add rosemary and feta cheese ? Deliciousness . We served these with some simply seared and baked bone - in , skin - on chicken thighs and they were perfection . They 're perfectly salty and fill my ever - existent carb need . They actually crisp up so nicely that you can pick them up with your hands , which means I think they can pass for appetizers ( as long as you use little enough potatoes ) . This recipe is so super simple , I promise anyone can pull it off and impress their guests ! 2 . Place stabbed side up , in a single layer , on the baking sheet . Drizzle with a good amount of olive oil . 3 . Bake 35 - 50 minutes , until fork can be inserted easily . Remove the baking sheet from the oven , and cut a deep X into each potato . With a fork or a paper towel , push the top of each potato until it opens ( it will look messy ) . 4 . Drizzle each potato with a bunch more olive oil . Sprinkle with feta cheese , rosemary leaves , salt and pepper ( they won 't need much salt - I think I forgot the salt and pepper and they only were lacking the pepper ) . Return to the oven and bake for an additional 15 - 20 minutes until the edges and cheese are golden - brown and crunchy . The strangest thing happened today . I woke up and was dead set on making tourtière , for no apparent reason . One of my mom 's best friends is French Canadian ( although she has always lived in the States ) and every year for Christmas she makes the most delicious meat pie , called tourtière , that her family made growing up . She knows I love it , so she always makes an extra and has us for dinner sometime the following week so that I can enjoy it . It 's become something I look forward to each winter . A couple years ago , I decided I wanted to make it myself . I dug around looking at recipes online and emailed my mom 's friend for the recipe . I had it sitting in my inbox for almost 2 years , but I never got around to making it ! So this morning , I dug it up and decided I just had to make it . The Monkey Scientist thought I was crazy ( Canadian food ? ) but he couldn 't say no to meat and pie . So I went to the store , and got everything I needed , and made two pies ( one to eat , one to freeze for another night this winter ) . We ate and enjoyed them and the Monkey Scientist went back to studying . Then I was online and realized that - by total coincidence - it is Canadian Thanksgiving tomorrow . Although I 've always known this to be a Christmas dish , it appears that it is also eaten on Thanksgiving in Canada . The Monkey Scientist told me he thinks I have a 6th sense for Canadian holidays - what do you think ? As far as the recipe goes , this one is something I will keep around . It is the perfect meal for a cold day because it 's so warm - both in temperature and from the cinnamon , all spice , nutmeg and cloves . It just tastes like a Christmas night by the fire in New Hampshire to me . The Monkey Scientist and I liked it with a little Chulula on top , but it is just great on it 's own as part of a holiday meal - whether it 's Canadian Thanksgiving , US Thanksgiving , Christmas , New Years , or just a winter 's night with the family . 2 . In a very large pot , bring several cups of water to a boil , then add the potatoes and onions . Cook about 20 minutes , or until potatoes can be easily pierced with a knife . 3 . Drain the water , and return the potatoes and onions to the pot . Add the pork , beef , 1 1 / 2 c water , salt , pepper , allspice , cinnamon , nutmeg , and ground cloves to the pot . Bring to a boil , then reduce heat and simmer , covered , for 1 hour . 4 . When the meat is done cooking , drain the liquid into a bowl and place the meat into a separate bowl . Put both bowls in the refrigerator and chill for at least an hour . 5 . In a large bowl , combine the flour and salt . Add in the shortening and cut with a pastry cutter until you have pea - sized clumps . 6 . Add the egg , vinegar , and ice water to the flour and shortening mixture . Work into a soft , cohesive dough ball . Cut the dough into quarters . On a well - floured surface , roll out each quarter of the dough ball into rounds for the bottoms and tops of each pie . Transfer one pie crust into each of your your two pie dishes . 7 . Remove the liquid and meat from the fridge . Scrape the solidified fat off the top of the liquid and discard . Fill each of your pie dishes with half of the meat mixture . Top with one tablespoon of the liquid in each pie . Top your pies off with your last two pie crusts and pinch edges to seal . Cut slits in the top of each crust so that steam can escape . 8 . Brush the tops of the pies with milk . Bake in the preheated oven for 50 minutes or until golden brown . Serve immediately or freeze until you 're ready to serve . The cold has really started to set in here in Chicago ! I grew up in Boston and went to school in Michigan , so I 'm no stranger to the cold , but somehow 3 winters in DC has made me a little unprepared for the cold . I 've been wearing what was my DC - winter coat for two weeks already ! And it 's only getting colder from here . . . I can 't complain too much though , it is October . But seriously , when did that happen ? Wasn 't it August like , yesterday ? A quick note : I wrote this post about a week ago , when it was still 40 or 50 degrees outside . Since then , we 've had a couple of really gorgeous days ( today it might even hit 80 ! ) and I have been so appreciative . But there is no denying that the cold weather is coming back and there will be much more soup to come ! ! Anyways , there is one great thing about the colder weather . It 's soup season ! ! ! I have been on a bit of a mini meatball kick for a few weeks now . It started when I had a sudden urge to make rigatoni with mini meatballs a few weeks ago ( and yeah , that was amazing ) and is continuing with this soup . The only thing I don 't like about mini meatballs is rolling all of them . It takes forever and my hands get so dried out with meat . If you have kids , this is where I recommend bringing them into the kitchen and putting them to work ! ! ( Or sending them over to me , I 'll put them to work ! Just be sure to take them home with you after , please . ) I never used to be a huge kale fan , but I like it a lot in this soup ! If you buy it at Trader Joe 's , it 's already washed and perfectly cut for this soup . However , they give you more than you need in a bag , so use only like half a bag . It wilts down , but not so much . Just use your best judgement . The first soup of the season was a tasty one ! The Monkey Scientist said , " That 's a good soup ! " I liked that it had so many components - vegetables , pasta , and savory meatballs . It is leaps and bounds above the canned Italian wedding soup , which in my opinion isn 't even worth eating . If you like this soup , be sure to check out my Mini Chicken Meatball soup . It 's similar and delicious in it 's own way ! 2 . In a large Dutch oven , combine chicken broth , carrots , garlic , and kale . Cover and bring to a boil over medium - high heat , then lower and simmer 30 - 40 minutes until the carrots are tender . 3 . Combine the cheese , eggs , bread crumbs , salt , pepper , red pepper flakes , and worcestershire in a medium bowl . Add meat and combine with your hands but don 't overmix . Roll into 1 " balls and line along the cooking sheet . Drizzle over the top of the meatballs with olive oil . Bake 15 - 20 minutes , or until cooked through . 4 . When the carrots are tender and the meatballs are still cooking , add the pasta to the Dutch oven and cook 10 minutes ( or according to package instructions ) . Turn off the heat and , once cooked , add the meatballs to the soup . I realize I 've been sharing a lot more crafts than food with you lately , but I just had to show you my latest creation . I got the idea from Artzy Creations , but I had to adapt a little because I couldn 't find a wood cutout in the shape of an owl ( or anything big enough for a clock , really ) . So I bought another shape I liked , thinking I 'd just do something abstract , and halfway through I realized it was still looking like an owl , so I just went for it . I am really happy with how it came out ! You can find all of the instructions over on Artzy Creations . I got all of my pieces at Michael 's . The paper I used was for sale on the 25 cent rack ! I got a few packs with all different patterns - I think I 'll be able to use them for lots of crafts . The only major problem I encountered was that , because I used a big piece of wood and not a wood cut out , the clock wasn 't long enough to go all the way through the wood . I needed to take a big hunk of wood out of the back for the clock to fit in . Of course , I don 't have any very fancy tools , so I went to the hardware store and for $ 5 they did it for me ! It was a great deal if you ask me . And while we 're talking crafts , I also decoupaged this vase with some tissue paper I had around the house . Then I picked up these flowers for only $ 3 . 99 at Trader Joe 's on Sunday - my place feels so fun and autumnal ! It was a very crafty week ! What do you think of my mod podge creations ? I am pretty excited about them ! Don 't worry though , there is a food recipe coming soon !
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Thursday 11th May ( torsdag elfte maj ) was chokladbollens dag … . yes , that 's right , they have a whole day dedicated to eating chocolate balls ! The longer I live here , the more I feel this country is the perfect place for my sweet tooth to have taken residence . It seems there is always a yummy treat to spend a day officially celebrating ! So , in order to show we were integrating well into Swedish culture and life , we whizzed up a batch of these no - bake treats ( like we really needed a reason ! ! ) . Whizz all the ingredients together , apart from the coconut , and then pop into the fridge to allow it to go a little firmer . Once firm , roll into small balls , and then roll each ball into the desiccated coconut to cover it . They should keep in the fridge for around a week … . ahem … . if you haven 't got me living with you ! ! These are very easy and quick to make , and perfect for little people who enjoy " helping " in the kitchen . Although to be fair my little lady is actually a help now rather than a hindrance . As for the twins ……… . ! ! ! ! I have been umming and ahhhing about writing this post , as I don 't usually write about myself , and my blog is about the children and family life in general . However , this is a big topic relevant to us moving abroad , and the only down side I have stumbled upon so far . So , in the light of giving a balanced view on our move to Sweden and how it is working , this topic is something I feel needs to be written about . When we moved , I always knew we were also making the decision to leave our family and friends behind in order to pursue a long term dream of mine and Dadda 's . I don 't think I ever underestimated the enormity of this , but 6 months on , and after a recent trip to the UK , I am feeling it a little more than usual . Definitely no regrets about returning back to Sweden though after the UK visit . It is very common now not to have your family around you for immediate support when bringing up your children , and I realise this . However , I did have a lovely group of friends from various eras and areas of my life . People have been amazingly friendly here in Sweden since we moved , and hugely helpful , but it takes time to build up the sort of relationships with family and friends that we left behind in the UK . As well as the relationships you leave behind , for a long while you are leaving behind the option of you and your partner heading out together for some quality time as there is no one to look after our mad trio just yet . Not only that , but when the going gets tough ( which it has been with the trio recently ) , there is no back up , no one to give you a break , and no one to moan to that knows both you and your children properly just yet . I think that is why I am feeling it a little more recently , as the trio have been a little hot to handle in various ways , and being a stay at home mum , I am with them 24 / 7 . If you are thinking of moving abroad , this is something to seriously consider … how you would cope leaving behind your family and friends . I am not saying I won 't make new friends here , I really hope I can and do , but you need to consider if you really can go it alone as a family unit , certainly for a good chunk of time near the beginning ( perhaps one of the most stressful times too as everyone settles down into their new life ) . I will attempt to explain why I am missing these important people . Back in the UK over Easter I met up with some of my closest friends for a catch up and a hug . The first one we met at Gatwick for breakfast . This lovely person has known me pre - children , pre - marriage , whilst I was working as a nurse , and we have shared drunken camping trips together . Then my little lady met her 2 BFF 's whose mums happen to be 2 of my BFF 's . We have been together since our girls were 4 . They have known me with baby twins , they have helped me chase toddler twins on days out , they have never once judged my chaos , and we have supported each other through the ups and cliff dropping downs of life , as have our girls . Then there are my 2 close friends that are fellow twin mums . One supported me hugely when mine were newborns ( she was a few years down the line , and could remember the calamity with clarity ! ) , and the other one has twins a few months younger than mine . They know what it is to have young twins , and to try and carry on with the chaos that twins bring , and survive others ' judgements and often open comments and criticism ! These lovely ladies know me as a person in my own right rather than just a Mamma and relocation planner ! However , they also know our children too and my other half , and can easily offer help , advice , support , or even just a mummys ' night out . Being new in Sweden , and being a stay at home mum , means that I am struggling a little to make a groove for myself outside of being a Mamma and a wife . Whilst our little lady and mini men settle into their school / förskola friendships , and Dadda has headed out a few times now with his work colleagues , whose company he enjoys , I am floundering a little on the friendship front . I know it will all come as I have met some really lovely people that have made us all feel so welcome , and I know it will take time to build up relationships , and until then I 've just got to settle in for the long haul , but it doesn 't make missing these special people that are family and friends any easier … . . you know who you are , and I am so lucky to haShare this : EmailFacebookPinterestTwitter Valborg - The Welcoming of Spring . So it was time for our next Swedish experience , Walpurgis Eve ( in English ) , or Valborg ( in Swedish ) , is the official welcoming of spring . It is traditional to light fires , enjoy each others company , and sing songs together , and happens on the last day of April . Officially , spring has arrived when the daily average temperature tops zero degrees Celsius for seven days in a row here in Sweden … . a tough one recently with snow falling not so long ago , but large parts of the country are now managing to confirm this has happened … . at last ! The Swedish are celebrating the end of the harsh winter ( less harsh down here in the south , but still dark , cold , and long ! ) , and looking forward to the summer sunshine … . especially on our island where its nickname is Little Hawaii 🙂 This event is named after St . Walpurga ( which is Valborg in Swedish ) , an English missionary who celebrated Christianity in other parts of Europe . These days , it is more to do with spring than Christianity . The King also happens to have his birthday on this day , but that is just a lovely coincidence . The larger cities take on more of an all day party feel , with students kicking off their day with champagne breakfasts , and the celebrations go from there . There are some huge bonfires too in the larger cities , with lots of other traditions going on as well . You may even be passed a warming hot cup of liquid as well …… some lovely nettle soup as soon as the snow melts here they are springing up . A sure sign spring has arrived . So what did we get up to on our lovely little island we call home ? In the harbour at the North West part of the island , there was a larger community bonfire . We set off on our bikes to experience this celebration for the first time at this location . On the way , we saw many relaxing with barbecues or their own fires , in the early spring sunshine ( fully dressed in hats and gloves still ! ) , with the boat houses open for the first time I have seen . It was so lovely to see the island alive after the long winter . There are always people out walking / running / cycling around the island , but there was just a more relaxed vibe about tonight , and whilst it was still cold , people were happy to sit outdoors and enjoy their food , rather then hunkering down back indoors . A true feeling that spring is finally coming . We decided this year to feed our tribe earlier , and just turn up and see what happens . Next year I think we too will be grilling sausages along with everyone else . As it was , our 5 year old twins were nearly collapsed with tiredness once we got home at the grand time of 8pm ! ! The fire was lit and everyone had a little sing song , and after that was over people got back to just chilling with their drinks and food , or started their grilling and relaxing with their friends . People who were not cooking were already drifting away back to their cosy homes and we followed soon after with our tired trio . But we had thoroughly enjoyed out first Valborg in our new home . With the sun setting , and the smoking embers of the bonfire in the distance , voices could be heard happily chattering away , enjoying each other 's company and cooking outdoors . As we cycled away it was like the island was on fire , there was so much smoke rising from it , from all the fires that had been lit in celebration . I am thinking I really like this celebration and its cosy feel , and whilst I don 't wish my little people to grow up too fast , I am looking forward to when the smaller 2 are a little older and we too can chill with them and some drink and food , instead of pedalling back home for bedtime 🙂 " All Scouts should know his story . St . George was typical of what a Scout should be . When he was faced by a difficulty or danger , however great it appeared , even in the shape of a dragon - he did not avoid it or fear it but went at it with all the power he could … That is exactly the way a Scout should face a difficulty or danger no matter how great or how terrifying it may appear . He should go at it boldly and confidently , using every power that he can to try and overcome it , and the probability is that he will succeed . " ( Lord Baden - Powell ) . The first part of the afternoon saw us doing a little trail in the forest . We were hunting down phrases that described what it meant to be a scout . We then discussed them with our little scouts . For us it was a little more intense as it was all in Swedish , but with the help of Google topping up our growing basic Swedish vocab , we made a good go of it for our little lady . The trio thoroughly enjoyed trying to find the next tree trunk with a phrase stuck to it , and by the end I think our little lady had a good idea of what being a scout means . As the rain started to fall harder , it was time to head inside and watch and listen to an indoor parade for the young scouts . They held the Scouting flag , they raised the Swedish flag , and they all said their Scout promise one by one . This was a real challenge for our little lady , as not only had she not been forewarned and so did not know the promise , but it was also in Swedish . We could see her starting to well up and get flustered standing there waiting her fate , but her leader was so good with her . She quietly broke it down into a few words at a time for her to repeat in Swedish . Whilst my heart was in my mouth watching her a little unnerved prior to her go , I think it was the best thing for her . She has been learning Swedish at school , will correct me when I am trying to speak it , but will not yet pluck up the courage to speak herself . To be put in a situation with no warning and in an instant it be done with did her good , and she was pleased she did it after , but admitting to wanting to cry immediately prior to it . With that part done , and huge sighs of relief all round , it was time for fika … . the Swedish custom of being together and socialising , preferably in the presence of coffee and a sweet treat ! ! Of course this went down very well with the trio . Once consumed , the scouts had one more little parade , taking down the flag and saying goodbye , and it was time to head off . It was so lovely to have the whole family invited as we got to see what goes on and to see a little more of how the Swedes do things . It was a lovely afternoon . Have you ever experienced around 60 cows all running , dancing , and jumping out of the barn after 6 months indoors over the winter ? ? It is an amazing spectacle to watch . We went along on Easter Day to Kosläpp 2017 at Björketorps Gård for our first experience of this phenomenon . The happy Swedish cows did not disappoint either . We were stood around the perimeter of a field with many hundreds of other people , awaiting what is a traditional marker for the end of winter , and the start of spring , with the release of the happy Swedish cows from their barn after being indoors for the harsh 6 months of winter . However , yesterday the temperatures dropped here , and we had snow . There was still a smattering on the ground , and we did wonder if the cows would turn around and go straight back indoors ! ! I have never seen a herd of female cows so active and lively ! ! They were indeed very happy Swedish cows . With the barn doors opening they raced down the length of the field running , jumping , and dancing around … they have had all winter to practise their routines after all 😉 I have never seen a cow jump , and it is a little amusing . Not only were they jumping , but they were so feisty there was quite a lot of fight action going on too . They would stare each other out and lock heads , and push to and fro . Then there were other cows pawing the ground with their hooves , digging , as well as cows rubbing their noses along the ground ( not unlike dogs when they find a smell they like ) , and one even rolling around the ground on its back ( again not unlike a dog ! ) . Watching all these guys racing towards you ( even with a small wire fence between you and them ) is a little unsettling ! After a lot of excitement and mooing , we headed off to explore the rest of the working farm , which was opened up for us to mooch around . It was so lovely , and a very open look into the workings , life , and smells of a dairy farm here in Sweden . First of all we headed into the cows ' barn , to see their home over the winter . The cows were free to wander in and out after their release into the field , so we saw some come into their private stable area for some food , others were being milked , and we got to see and smell life in the barn . After that we headed over to see a 2 day old calf with his mummy , and then some older calves as well . There were also pony rides to experience , tractor rides in a hay cart , food , ice creams ( made with their own milk ) , and tractors to clamber all over . First of all the decorating of our home . We have always hung little wooden , glass , or painted eggs onto branches around our home . This is a Norwegian tradition I have always done in our UK home , but has become increasingly more popular the past few years in the UK as well . I was delighted to find that it is no different at Easter in Sweden . They adorn their branches ( specifically birch , although if you are like me you just chop what you have on hand in the garden ! ) , and also very often add feathers onto the branches too . Originally they were too serve as a reminder of Christ 's suffering . We have them placed on our fireplace , our table , a nice big vase on the side , and then the children have theirs to decorate in their bedrooms too . The tradition of chocolate is slightly different too . There is definitely still plenty of it , but instead of masses of foil wrapped Easter eggs , here in Sweden you have a beautifully decorated paper shell of an egg ( available in various sizes , but beware they hold a lot more than you think ! ) filled with candy . Although there is still a lot of candy available , I like this idea , as it is a lot more simple , and the children are less saturated with an abundance of chocolate Easter eggs , that you then spend the following months trying to let them eat without feeling guilty for them having so much chocolate ! They are very pretty , and best of all reusable 😉 Of course , we had an Easter egg hunt in the garden too ! Eggs ( the chicken variety ) and fish feature heavily on the food side of the celebrations . Eggs for breakfast , eggs on open sandwiches , and various fish dishes including pickled herring ( one of my mother 's favourites I 've never quite been able to adopt ! ) , all washed down with some good strong Swedish snaps . For us , although we had the eggs for breakfast , we celebrated with some lovely roast lamb . This was particularly special as we have a sheep farm here on the island , and the children are allowed to visit whenever they want to ( the farmer is happy even if he is not there ) , and you can go into the barn and stroke the lambs and sheep . Our lamb meat was given to us as a gift from the farmer , and we can say it is so delicious . There is something really lovely about eating produce that is only a ten minute walk from our home too , and knowing how they lived and were reared ( although I 'm a wuss and don 't think too much about the gruesome bit , although we acknowledge it to the children ) . Many children dress up as witches at Easter in Sweden , and on Maundy Thursday ( skärtorsdag ) , you 'll spot children with face paints on and broomsticks . Some will be knocking on doors asking for treats , a bit like in the UK at Halloween . We were in the UK for this day , so missed it , although I think my trio would have loved it . It 's also the first long weekend of the year , with potentially warmer weather , that people head out to their summer houses . We are lucky that our new home is in a place that people would consider is somewhere to have a summer house , so we can stay in the comfort of our home and enjoy our surroundings 🙂 So , yes we have thoroughly enjoyed our first Easter in Sweden 🙂 Be sure to check out the adventure we went on for Easter Day , as it was very special , and very Swedish . It will follow tomorrow . We hope you enjoyed your Easter as much as we did ! Våffeldagen is a whole day in Sweden dedicated to eating waffles … . nom nom ! Saturday 25th March was the day this year . It is another way of celebrating the start of spring after the cold dark winter here in Sweden . The name originally comes from " Vårfrudagen " meaning our lady 's day , which is on the same day , but said in a poorly articulated way , can be mistaken for Våffeldagen . Living abroad in Sweden has given us a new home . Our home is another thing that is really working for us . Not only are we now the proud owners of a Swedish red wooden home , but it creates such a cosy atmosphere . With the long and cold winters though , this is really important in Sweden . Your home is your haven . We have lots of windows to help get more light into the place , as well as light walls and light wooden flooring . The whole of the living space is open plan , creating a more friendly atmosphere . We also follow the typical Swedish living space habit of having lots of cosy lamps rather then harsh overhead lights . Then there is our lovely wood burning stove . A necessity here in case of power cuts in storms , but a centre piece for our family 's living . The children have been known to just sit there and watch it , read books in front of it , and play games sat in front of it . Our home really is warm , cosy , and inviting 🙂 So , you might ask , this living abroad has all been a bit one sided and too positive , there surely must be some downsides . Well there are a few , but definitely not deal breakers ! You need to plan when you want an alcoholic tipple . These are only sold in government run shops ( called Systembolaget ) , in very few places , with limited opening hours . But , on the other hand it is normal to bulk buy alcohol and store it 🙂 Our nearest Systembolaget is a 30 minute drive , so there 's none of this " I just fancy a bottle of wine tonight " ! ! The language is another harder aspect of living abroad . Dadda works in an English speaking office , with people from all over the world , so is not exposed to the language daily . Our trio are now immersed in it during the week at school and pre - school , but they are still on a very steep learning curve . It probably affects our little lady the most in trying to build friendships and communicate with others her age . She has had quite a few friends back home after school , and has also been to someone else 's house , so whilst it frustrates her at times , she is making friends . If this family adventure does end up being an expensive flop , at least there will be no " what ifs " , and so no regrets . We have tried and given it a go . The children will have experienced the world classroom , and a different culture , language , and lifestyle . I think we have all adapted pretty well so far . We seem to be integrating a little . We have even had 2 visits now by close relatives , that whilst it was sad to say goodbye to them at the end of their trips , there were no tears and outrage from the children directed at their parents decision to move them to another country ! I can 't say enough though about how much we love living here , and I feel that maybe we have found our place in the world that we can call home 🙂 After a slight technical glitch this morning … here is part 3 ! ! ! Living abroad here in Sweden , Dadda 's job has worked out very well too . Back in the UK there is the practice of people not wanting to be seen leaving before anyone else ( regardless of having done their hours ) , as it seems to be almost a competition of who can work the most ( much to his unhappiness ) ! Here , no one is staying beyond the end of their hours , and you 'd be thought insane to do so ! This makes such a difference to one 's outlook on work , and puts it in its place , and family time first . They also make sure fika is continued in the work place . This is a Swedish concept , with no direct English translation , but generally translates taking a break with a coffee , a bun , and a chat . They actively encourage you to step away from your desk and take a ( paid ) break . Then there is the white stuff … . lots and lots of white stuff ! Don 't get me wrong , you need to like the cold , the winter , the dark , and wearing warm hats and 2 pairs of trousers for 6 months of the year , and enjoy a good workout digging your car out . However if you do , this is the place for you . I was even told tonight , they hadn 't had a proper winter this year ! ! Well , we have been very happy with lots of sledging , dozens of snowmen , and hundreds of snowballs thrown ! I can see though , if you are a sunshine , warm weather person , this is definitely not the place for you ! For us though , having four clearly defined seasons is amazing 🙂 Tomorrow I will conclude this little series on how we have found life since living abroad in Sweden . I will be looking at how the home is the heart of our family , and how Swedish our home and living has become . Plus I will be considering what happens if we find out it is not for us …… . Yesterday I wrote about letting children be children , and a big part of that is their schooling . This time last year we pulled the plug on formal , conventional schooling for our then 8 year old , as we were seeing her shrivel up before our eyes . It was one the best parenting decisions we have ever made . Over the next 6 months she grew and blossomed in a way that was so lovely to see . Living abroad here in Sweden , everyone has to attend school . It might sound harsh , but the reality is very different . First of all , formal schooling does not start until 7 years of age , placing priority on play for the years up to then . The Swedes recognise that a lot of important learning and developing comes naturally through a child 's play . Then once they start school , they are only there for the morning ( this includes a mid morning break , lunch , and a lunch break ) . So , as you can see , still ample opportunity for children run , climb , and play both within the school day and afterwards . Our now 9 year old little lady does not bring home homework every week either . She may have some every couple of weeks , but even then it shouldn 't take half an hour ( it can take us a little longer as we have to translate the Swedish ! ! ) . There are no standardised tests until well into their teenage years , so the pressure is off these young , curious , wanting to learn minds , and learning is there to be enjoyed . Having left a pressure cooker education system behind that has children exhausted , in tears , and feeling a failure , we are more than happy to embrace this positive approach to learning , and we mix it up by carrying on with our own home educating journey at home 🙂 School is important to us here as a place for her to meet others her age and learn the language , coming from an English speaking household , so it serves us well too . She calls her teacher by her first name ( that is just how it is done here ) , and there is mutual respect between adults and children . It 's such a lovely environment … . oh apart from the no shoes indoors policy … . I haWith three children , life can easily start feeling like a hectic race from the moment you get out of bed , until the moment you collapse into it at the end of the day . A huge reason for moving here was to slow right down , and commit to a much simpler way of living . It just seems a lot easier to do here . We have moved to a small island community ( small communities are the norm ) , you can 't just pop to the shops to spend frivolously ( the nearest are about a 30 minute drive , again not unusual ) , and there are no other material distraction , so life is lived at a more leisurely pace . We 're no longer sucked into things like a weekend chocca full of children 's parties , activities , or shopping . Instead it is full of family time , hiking , exploring , and lots of play ! We 've even streamlined to one car ( the bus route to Dadda 's work is very good and he enjoys chilling on the bus ) . Even though we live in a remote area , public transport is much better than in the UK ( even if the driving is a bit more haphazard ! ) . So we don 't need 2 cars . We can get fresh fish by cycling down to our island harbour and buying whatever the catch is . The post doesn 't come at all at the weekend . No one rushes anything here . At first , trying to sort out all our immigration paperwork etc , it was mildly frustrating but we have learnt to roll with it better now . Even the bills only come after you 've had something a while . Everyone just accepts that everything will happen in the end . The trust between people is huge too . You can leave your bike unlocked or your house open , and the worst that will happen is you 'll find a friend sat waiting for you to come home for a chat . As a British person this takes some getting used to , and I am not sure we 'd ever get to the point where we 'd leave the house unlocked , but it 's comforting to know that this is the kind of place we live . As well as life being simple , it is less rushed and hectic . This is a very large country with a smaller population than the UK . The roads are not busy , speed limits Tomorrow I will be letting you know about how work is going for Dadda , and how we have found living with the white stuff ! Next → Hi , I am Sonia . Please follow our big learning adventure of mainly nature based home education , mixed with the Swedish education system , and all the exciting different ways of learning . Join us on our adventure of moving to another country , making a life long dream come true of living in Sweden .
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' ello ! Fantabulous news - I am off to Zambia for a 4 day safari . My staying in Malawi for more than 3 month necessitates a special visa that requires me to leave the country for a few days . As such , the project is sending me on a safari . I will be going with Courtney who is sadly leaving Malawi for good once we return . We 're going to leave after work tomorrow and take the bus to Lilongwe ( a 5hr experience which I 'm sure will be an adventure in and of itself ) . Back on Sunday night in time for work on Monday . And to console you in my absence . . . here is another installment of that beloved photo series : " Children Hate Me . " To refresh your memory , this series features photos of wee Malawians who are scared out of their mind by the pigment deficient weirdo with the camera . I would like to add a disclaimer , however , for those who don 't know me / potential babysitting clients / pediatric residency program directors / the small children who frequent my blog : I have no reason to believe that children do , in fact , hate me . In fact , there is at least limited evidence to the contrary . The title and content of this series is meant purely in a lighthearted and intended to provoke a chuckle ( whether reality matches intent is up to you , dear readers ) . Anywho , here goes : Usual house activities : data entry , reading , being awesome . Entertainment . Africa has helped me take a break from many of my vices . In particular , my " screen time " has been cut pretty drastically . The internet is terrible here , and we only have 2 logins for 7 people so I don 't get unfettered access to nyt . com , style . com , facebook , google searches for " funny blogs " or " cute puppies " or any of my other usual cyber haunts . Harder to deal with , perhaps , is the fact that Africa has made me break up with my boyfriend . And if you know me , you 'll know that by " boyfriend , " I 'm referring to my blackberry . A recent acquisition , my bberry had become a crackberry as quickly as everyone predicted . I told myself that the med school application process justified knowing the status of my inbox 24 / 7 but the truth is that I 'm 22 and I have no business important enough to necessitate constant communication . I tell myself that this is a break , not a breakup , but I think it 's in everyone 's best interest I 'm also very happily devoid of television here . This is not particularly hard for me at all ( except when I hear about Christine 's toddlers and tiaras Halloween costume ) . The one time I have watched television is at the father 's house ( where the monkey is ) . He inexplicably has satellite TV which everyone watches after dinner . Out of like 200 channels he had us watching a cartoon . Of talking shoes . There was a girly shoe and a pirate shoe . What were the cartoon shoes talking about ? I don 't know . Because it was in Chinese . So yes , the 15 minutes I got of TV time in Malawi featured Chinese talking shoes . But after 9pm Lacey and I were the only ones up . Free from the tyranny of Chinese talking shoes we grew delighted with the possibilities . It was Thursday night and Lacey had seen NBC on the channel list … 30 Rock anyone ? Turns out NBC = Namibian Broadcasting Company . So my screen vacation lives on . The other day I was hit on pretty hardcore … . by a crazy elderly woman . Who followed me around saying " azungu okongola " ( pretty white person ) and cackling to herself . I 'm not sure if she was trying to ask me out or planned to eat me for dinner . I know , I know - I still got it . And now . . . . random and prototypical picture for your viewing pleasure : Food in Malawi is , as predicted , not exactly haute cuisine . Most of the population eats a diet that consists almost exclusively of corn and soy with a few vegetables or fruits thrown in . The national dish is ncima ( pronounced en - ceema ) which is like a gluey , pasty porridge thing ( sometimes shaped into patties ) made from corn flour that tastes ( and I say this without a hint of exaggeration ) , like nothing . Well , maybe like packing material . The Malawians eat huge helpings of it with anything else ( beans , fish , veggies etc ) designated as " relish . " The amount of relish you eat is proportional to your socioeconomic status . Most people only eat ncmina or a little bit of Likuni Palla ( soy based porride ) and have a tiny helping of beans or dried fish on special occasions . [ Incidentally , this non - varied , nutrient poor diet is thought to be at least partially responsible for the development of kwashiorkor - the deadly edematous swelling that we treat in children . ] Here at Kabula Hill where we live , we are lucky enough to have two wonderful women : Sheena and Eliza who cook for us and do our laundry while we work in the field . We buy the ingredients and they make us food . And by food I mean oil . Literally everything that they prepare is slathered in generous quantities of Kazinga , the oil we get here . Beans ? Yep , covered in so much oil that we sometimes strain them before eating . Veggies ? Why not ? Fry ' em up in a pot with a munificent helping of Kazinga and stir them in a pot with peanut flour . Literally nothing escapes this bath of Kazinga and , try as we might , no amount of pleading seems to discourage them . When not eating almost straight Kazinga , we eat almost exclusively carbohydrates . If you have a little bit of money in Malawi , you will probably spend it on white bread ( those with less money eat sweet potatoes or ncmina with their tea ) - which you buy freshly sliced for around 100 kwacha ( less than a dollar ) . Fun fact about white bread here ? They always advertise is as STD WHITE BREAD . Hee hee hee . We frequently end our days by taking a mother to the hospital on the way home . We take them if they need prodding to get staging for ARVs ( for HIV ) , medical concerns that we can 't deal with or if the child won 't eat Chiponde and need a feeding tube . The hospitals in Malawi are so depressing , however , that we try to avoid sending anyone to the hospital if at all possible . But I digress . The best thing is that we ride in the trunk and let the mom sit in the cab of the car . We call this , of course , riding dirty . Depending on what car you 're in , what driver is driving and what road you are on , riding dirty leaves you with varying degrees of butt bruising . This never fails to horrify the nurses , mothers , HSAs etc . " You are sitting in the back ? ! Why ? No ! " They say this everytime . And every time we sit in the back . I also love the looks we get when driving down the dirt road whilst in the trunk . Triple takes . Crowds of children chasing us . Bicycles veering off of the road . And this is the internal monologue I imagine for most everyone we see : On my Zomba hike we saw this incredible trail of ants snaking across the path and up into the hills . These little critters were busy and there was a mix of small ants and larger ants with huge pincers . I leaned down to document these Formicidae and then " @ $ # & # " one of those big f - ers pinced me with his evil jaw . Ever a lady I screamed an obscenity and proceeded to throw my belongings onto the ground . My companions loved that . The next day at Mitondo I was measuring a kid when a huge fly / bee / demon from hell stung / bit / mauled me . I screamed , swatted it off of me and did the " bug dance . " Needless to say , the mothers around me thought that was hysterical - and my hysteria launched then into a frenzy of delighted Chichewa , the gist of which probably was something like " Look ! That bug just but her white skin ! And now she is freaking out ! Silly white people . " Posted by Working with children is inspiring , annoying , hilarious , exhausting , unpredictable , uplifting , messy and wonderful all at once . Despite the fact that we treat seriously ill children , I find myself laughing through most of clinic . The babies are always doing something to make me smile and despite the fact the some of the kids are in pretty bad shape - most of them are doing OK and will probably be just fine after treatment . That is why I find clinic enjoyable and end the day satisfied and content . Older children also especially tug at my heart because they are fully cognizant of their issues . We had two kids today that stuck with me . The first was a child who was seven years old and myrasmic . I sat down with her and her mother and , with the aid of an HSA ( for translation ) , I tried to figure out what was going on . Severe malnutrition is most common between 6 months and 5 years so older children ( who can find food for themselves and are physiologically stronger ) generally have other issues ( TB , HIV , cancer , congenital problems ) that lead to malnutrition . Turns out that the mother is HIV - positive and the little girl had yet to be tested . My guess is that the test won 't bring good news . Sitting there with her and knowing that she is probably positive was particularly painful for some reason . She just looked so dissociated . The second child was a 9 year old with severe myrasmic kwash ( meaning they were very skinny / wasted and also had extreme swelling ) who couldn 't even walk . In order to put him on the height board I had to get him out of his mothers arms and lay him down . He clung to me like a baby monkey . He was very cooperative and just lay there with a blank expression as we measured him and squeezed his feet to assess swelling . Then I leaned down and he reached up and put his arms around my neck and I returned him to his mother . Something about his somber forbearance and total reliance on me in that moment when I picked him up nearly broke my heart . We also witnessed a horrific event yesterday that may have been coloring my perceptions . When we arrived at the health center , our nurses told us that something was amiss . I 'm not sure how they knew because it looked like a normal crowd of people but it turned out that a 4 or 5 year old child has passed away the previous night . Apparently the mother had brought the child to the health center at 3 in the morning but the clinical officer was asleep and could not be roused ( the details of this are sort of unclear ) . The child died during the night and the community was outraged . In the middle of clinic I felt a silence descend and looked up to see the tiny shrouded body being wheeled away from the health center on a cart . Following the body was the child 's father , moaning and crying and , a few steps behind him , the child 's mother , also crying . This is apparently typical : grief is expressed intensely and publicly and then largely put aside as life goes on . We lapsed into respectful silence as the body was wheeled past us . Clinic went on as usual and my life went on as usual but I am sure that the image of that funeral procession will stay with me forever . And I sincerely hope that no amount of exposure to tragedy , poverty and sickness will make the death of a child any easier for me to stomach . Enough is enough . I know I 'm in Malawi but please , I get the point and I think we can move past that . OK OK , you 're right . How should I expect the internet to work when I don 't even have running water at the moment ? Good point , well presented . I 'll make you a deal . I won 't use up any of your precious bandwidth with People . com if you 'll let me upload pictures faster than 1 per century . And I 'll even throw in a ban on streaming video . Please ? I was slightly surprised to discover that Malawi is not immune to this saccharine holiday . All the restaurants in town have V - day specials and the streets are positively littered with young couples . This is not bad news , however because despite my cynical nature , I happen to love Valentine 's Day . Then Courtney and I made egg sandwiches with fresh tomato and avacado , had tea and listened to Simon and Garfunkel . Following that I decided that I needed to move the ' bod a little so four of us set out for Zomba Plateau . We had a glorious hike and then came home for some pizza at the Malawi Sun . We call this establishment by its affectionate and more descriptive moniker : The Dirty Sun . Eating at the Dirty Sun is thus labeled " doin ' it dirty . " And therefore a + b = c and we were doin ' it dirty on Valentine 's Day . And who said I 'd have no fun on VD here in Malawi ? ! I think I 'll pretty much stick to that rigorous schedule for this weekend because although its not super exciting : the week can really take it out of you . Last weekend , though , I broke with tradition and went out on the town with Mrs . K - our program coordinator . Mrs . K is a wealthy Malawian woman who is in her late thirties but seems about 25 . She always wear high heels , changes her hair all the time and loves all things American . She is a devout Catholic but she loves her some Akon and we bonded over our mutual adoration of terrible music . From the time she picked me up from the airport she had promised to take me out because , in her words , " everyone is too serious ! ! ! " While I find my coworkers less than serious , I still wanted to see the Malawian nightlife scene . On the way we decided to call Horris - one of our drivers who is 27 and very quiet . I think that 's partly because his English is not stellar : if you ask him almost any question he will reply " ah yes of course . " Endless comedic possibilities but makes communication difficult . What he lacks in linguistic facility , however , he makes up for in serious muscle so he acted as our amiable bodyguard for the evening . We went to two clubs : Blue Elephant and Mustang Sallys . Blue Elephant was packed with young Malawian 20 - somethings with money to burn and a few sketchily old white men who I think were there to pick up prostitutes . We had a few drinks and then hit the dance floor . As the only white girl I certainly attracted a lot of attention but it wasn 't uncomfortable and I had Horris to deflect any unwanted attentions . I actually think that the Malawian boys were more respectful than boys at , say , Fishco . A simple " no thanks " seemed to suffice just fine and we were able to enjoy ourselves . As for the dancing : people in Malawi have great rhythm . I think , I hope at least , that I didn 't embarrass myself . In fact , I think Molly Jo would be proud : I went all out and had a great time . My thought was that no matter what I do people are going to stare because I wore my white skin so I might as well have fun . I especially had fun at the second club even though it was quite empty . One perk of that , however , is that we basically could request every song so we turned the night into my iPod ( a scary place for most people except those who frequent clubs like this ) . So Akon and Beyonce ruled the night and I was able to flashback to Saturday nights with my favorite ladies of 444 ( don 't worry : I requested our " call to arms " and even clapped like our favorite little friend ) . It was also funny to see what a Malawian celebrity Mrs . K is . Everywhere we went she knew people through church or the internet cafe she owns or through the general social network . Horris and I were just along for the ride . All in all , it was a truly awesome night especially because it also included a late night ice cream . Quite a depature from my normal routine and well worth it . Note on the picture : This is not a picture of the club , nor was it even taken last weekend . It 's the moon rising from Chez Macky 's : one of our favorite hangouts . Those bags of water are hung all around the porch and supposedly keep flies away ( mechanism unclear ) . But its the only picture I have that was taken at night so , in the interest of marginal relevance : enjoy the mediocre image . Posted by During the ride home yesterday we were talking about Malawian foods with our two nurses and the driver . " Mmmmmm , " I said , " I really want to try chamba . Where can I get some chamba ? " Some shots of Ntonya - Yesterday Lacey and I were at Ntonya a site at a " health clinic outpost " ( which means a building with a roof and nothing else ) at a school . I really like Ntonya : the kids there are curious but not obnoxious and we get a roof over our heads which goes a long way in the dirty - hot heat of Malawi . Today Gus and I went to a brand new site : Namasalima . We didn 't know whether to expect 2 kids or 2 , 000 so we packed a lot . When we rolled up , though , there were about 4 moms . Luckily , they just kept rolling in and we got some highly respectable numbers . - The dynamic between our driver , who we call the ' kwinje ( his last name is Makwinja ) and Nesta , one of our oldest and our most hysterical nurse . They tease each other like siblings and they get everyone in the car laughing so hard that we are almost crying . Half of it is in Chichewa and sometimes a little bit of English but it 's always hilarious . Nesta calls him " Mr . So and So " and was teasing him that he had a " hyenia " ( a Malawian word for mistress ) . I 'm well aware that you " had to be there " to think any of this is remotely funny but hey , I was there and if you weren 't then maybe you should have taken me up on my offer to host you ? Katie ? Mike D ? All of 444 ? Reebs ? Everyone else in the world ? In sum : if you don 't find me hilarious - it 's your fault . - The ' kwidje lent me some CDs with music that he thought I 'd like . The first 2 were Lucky Dube - a South African reggae artist and the last was a mix with Chris Brown , Akon , TPain etc . How I love the ' kwinje . After I took his picture I let him take a picture and showed him some pictures stored on my camera which delighted him . I let him take a picture and he remarked " the pictures are so small ! " referring , I think , to my LCD screen . Loveeeeeee him . - At Ntonya school ( like every government school in Malawi I think ) they serve Likuni Pala to the kids for lunch . It 's like a thin porridge . The kids are always clowning around with us and offering us exaggerated spoonfuls ( or handfuls for those who don 't have spoons ) so Lacey and I took one kid up on his offer and tried some . It mostly tasted burnt but it wasn 't half bad . I 'm really giving my intestines a workout , huh ? Also , what circle of Hades is reserved for those who eat some food from a chronically undernourished child ? He didn 't seem to mind though and judging from the delighted reactions of his classmates - he was the coolest kid in school for a good 15 seconds . And I think we all know that despite what Adam Sandler says , giving porridge to white people is way cooler than enuresis . - It was Eleanor 's ( another of our nurses ) birthday and she brought us some leftover cake . Nothing to brighten my day like a serious hit to my glycemic index . - Beautiful cloud last night illuminated by the setting sun . We lost power again for awhile but its not that big a deal here because we don 't use electricity that much . Just another excuse to watch the sun set and finish my 5th book . - Had to move rooms because we have a new person : Jackie , a marketing executive from San Fran , who likes to take time off to work for non profits . She seems really cool thus far even if I had to give up my " single " for her . Plus she has an awesome name . - We had ladies night last night . Imagine for a second three ladies in fashionable dresses sipping cocktails at a swank bar . Now erase that image - this is Malawi , people ! Instead imagine three girls crowded around a laptop watching Sex and the City . Surrounded by Simba chips , Chock - kits and Cadbury . Much better . Pretty much the happiest night of my life . Again - glycemic index might be a good way to track elation . Skylar , however , recently added to that short list by calling me her " little crack baby . " This affectionate ( I think ) moniker , is not a reference to any predilection for illegal substances nor is it a dig meant to suggest the presence of any developmental delays . Rather , " crack baby " refers to the annoying tendency that my pants have of slipping down . It is with equal parts humiliation and delight that I report that Malawi has caught up with Skyface . She will be overjoyed to know that I was called out on this unfortunate , er , trait . We stopped at a bustling market to pick up some mangos ( I 'm officially an addict ) and Jackson , our driver told me that some guy who was walking behind me appreciatively called me " kukwefura " which apparently refers to the way that some guys like to wear their pants really low to imitiate rappers and the like . I 'm sure the rest of what he said was lewd and not repeatable but the salient point was that he called me out . Let me just take a moment , however , to defend my honor . Keep in mind that I was dressed like fundamentalist Mormon child bride : t shirt , braid and long skirt . I just needed a unibrow to complete the picture . Still , however , it 's nice to know that this is a cross - cultural phenomeon that merits its own word in Malawi . Maybe there 's even a support group . Sigh . I 'm going to have a mango to . . . er . . . drown ? my sorrows . Here 's looking at you , Sky . So I was at our usual lunchtime hangout , Chez Mackys , the other day and Macky walked over . " Macky ! " I said ( feeling pretty suave for knowing and chatting up the owner of this popular spot ) , " How did the big move go ? Are you all settled ? " He looked at me for a second and , in lieu of responding to my query , said " have you been eating curry ? " Turns out my mouth was stained yellow from the mango I 'd been eating earlier . Not suave at all . I am legit so infatuated with mangoes that I eat somewhere between 2 and 3466 every day . And I 've developed addictive behaviors : worrying when there are no mangoes in the house , stockpiling them to prevent the aforementioned anxiety , lusting after my next mango fix . As evidenced from my anecdote above , mangoes have also been interfering with my social life . What will I do when mango season ends ? When I 'm fiending for my next hit and have to turn to desperate measures ( like * gasp * buying one from a grocery store instead of the cheap juicy ones from the roadside ) ? ! ? ! Here are some pictures from our walk . It was cool to see a village in a non - work context . But it was hard to be unobtrusive : people were literally dumbfounded by our presence and walking down the dirt road felt like leading a parade : Here 's a picture of the kitchen at the priest 's house . Part of the fun of staying here is that you get chicken for dinner ( ! ) and eggs in the morning . Right before breakfast , Figo snuck in through a door ( which I 'd mistakenly left ajar ) , leaped across the table , broke a cup and snatched a banana before being banished again . And for good measure here are some more pictures of that rascally rascal : The lake is about 4 hours away so we took an extra car and left right from one of the sites . The drive itself was amazing because we weren 't cramped in the back of an old truck as per usual . Instead we were luxuriating in a large SUV with a working CD player . We stayed at Gaia house : a pretty typical Malawian hostel - type place . It cost about $ 27 to stay for two nights and the rooms had electricity ( at least until the power outage ) . Pretty swank by Malawi standards . Although I was pretty much the driving force behind the trip I did not , in fact , want to actually swim in the lake . If you are familiar with my Walden Pond obsession ( on par with my monkey obsession ) , this may puzzle you . If you are familiar with my germ / parasite phobia , this would not puzzle you - Lake Malawi is chock full of schistosomiasis . If you are familiar with both obsessions , you may have wanted to take a ringside seat and watch the battle royale between my desire to swim in the amazingly gorgeous freshwater and my desire to avoid offering my body as a breeding ground for parasites . In order to make myself feel better about this decision , allow me to quote from the infinitely scholarly font of information that is Wikipedia : " The parasite secretes enzymes that break down the skin 's protein to enable penetration of the cercarial head through the skin . As the cercaria penetrates the skin it transforms into a migrating schistosomulum stage . . . . The nearly - mature worms pair , with the longer female worm residing in the gynaecophoric channel of the shorter male . Adult worms are about 10 mm long . . . . Parasites reach maturity in six to eight weeks , at which time they begin to produce eggs . Adult S . mansoni pairs residing in the mesenteric vessels may produce up to 300 eggs per day during their reproductive lives . S . japonicum may produce up to 3000 eggs per day . Many of the eggs pass through the walls of the blood vessels , and through the intestinal wall , to be passed out of the body in feces . . . . Up to half the eggs released by the worm pairs become trapped in the mesenteric veins , or will be washed back into the liver , where they will become lodged . Worm pairs can live in the body for an average of four and a half years , but may persist up to 20 years . " My decision resulted ridicule from most of my travelling companions who simply take medication three months after exposure that supposedly kills the adult worms . To them I say : gross - you have schisto . Nuff said . - A performance by one of the many " children 's bands . " I use the term band loosely and use it to include throngs of small children who beat homemade drums and have songs where the lyrics consist soley of " Muli Bwanj ? Ndiri Bwino . Muji Bwanj ? Ndiri bwino ! " ( which means : " How are you ? I am fine . How are you ? I am fine ! " - The highly questionable food . The omelets were rockin ' but we had some downright disgusting " pesto " pasta that was certainly not made with basil and had an aftertaste of soap . Also , the ketchup was curdled ( see picture ) . This just drove home the lesson that I should have down pat by now : if it 's not fried in Malawi - it 's definitely not very good and might be dangerous . - An amazing long walk along the beach with Lacey . By the end of the walk we were literally trailed by close to thirty children , all of whom were clamoring to hold our hands . One girl kept trying to put her mouth on my arm and I 'm still not sure if she was trying to kiss or bite me ( what do azungus taste like anyway ? ) . 99 % sure it was a kiss but best to leave that a mystery . - Ample time to relax : I finished my book in the first day we were there . - Hysterical room name : the first night we all stayed in a " family " room with four beds named Black Madonna . The key had a wooden keychain that said B . M . So ( again my maturity level is solidified as " very low . " I , like Margaret , sometimes feel more at home with school children ) I decided that we should refer to ourselves as the B . M . family . It 's funny to me . On that note , I need to do some errands so I must bid ye adieu until I get the energy to post again . Last week I got the good news that I was going on the bi - weekly overnight trip to Namandage . Why was I so excited ? The chance to see a different part of Malawi ? Time to hang out with our nurses and drivers in a non - work setting ? The dinner which always includes chicken ( protein is almost non existent in my diet right now ) ? Sleeping in an extra 15 minutes ? No , no and no . I was excited because I would get to hang out with a monkey . Namandage is the base of operations for Father Samoso - an Italian priest who helps run a rural hospital . The reason we stay there is because we serve a site on Friday that is 3 1 / 2 hours from Blantyre so we 'd need to get up at 3 : 30 am to get there on time . So , on Thursdays , we stay at Namandage which is between Chamba ( the site we serve on Thursday ) and Chipolonga and Chikweo ( the sites we serve on Friday ) . But enough explanation - back to the monkey . Much like every other sentient being in the 1990s , I had a serious thing for Aladdin . Putting aside blantantly racist imagery , Aladdin is one of Disney 's masterpieces . Specifically , I loved Abu : Aladdin 's plucky and sometimes pesky simian sidekick . My obession with Abu , combined with seeing a documentary about Jane Goodall , left me with a hankering for a monkey friend . Well , my friends , I finally got to play with a monkey . Father Samaso has a pet monkey named Figo who lives and plays at Namandage and I couldn 't wait to to meet him . Yes , I know its unethical to keep monkeys at pets . Yes , I know monkeys probably have plently of nasty diseases . But c ' mon - I got to play with a monkey ! Figo was quite the little rascal - he lives outside but kept sneaking inside to steal bananas and break cups . Namandage was great in other ways : I got to take a long walk through two villages where we were followed by the usual gaggle of awestruck children , stupified stares , shouts of " azungu , " butchered English and double - takes . But any chance to walk through Malawi is worth capitalizing on because it is such a beautiful country . Mr . Figo Me and Figo So Malawi is finally getting going with the rainy season . This is great news for the whole country because the majority of residents are subsistence farmers , so no rain means serious problems . The fact that the rains started late is quite problematic in and of itself so we 'll see what the future holds for the chimanga ( corn ) crop . But despite the slow start , mother nature has been making up for lost time . It 's been raining all day in Blantyre . As today was the cook 's birthday , I offered to drive her home so she didn 't have to walk . It took me a second to find the keys to an automatic car ( driving lessons haven 't been going as well as I 'd like ) but as we were ready to go . . . BOOM . . . . we heard a big bang ! We thought that the down house had been struck by lightening - but it turns out that the the wall diving our house and the neighbor 's property had totally collapsed . Luckily no one was hurt ( especially lucky it was raining because normally all of the kids play in the driveway . ) And we realized that if I had found the keys a minute earlier we might have been hit with the wall . Vella - one of the little girls who lives in our compound . I love her shy smile and her tiny little braids . I promised everyone a Malawian baby and I don 't think I could do much better than this lil critter . Posted by So it feels kind of weird following a more serious post with a silly anecdote . The truth is , however , that this sort of juxtaposition has become commonplace . Even after a serious day , we always end up laughing and cracking jokes . It works quite well as a coping mechanism even if it seems kind of callous . Tonight , for example , Courtney happily informed me that she had a name to add to my list of African baby names : Faggles . Yes - Faggles . Not even Faggle . Faggles . Nothing like a lil bit of parental ingenuity to end my day with a smile . You know your week ( and month for that matter ) is going to be interesting when it starts with a toilet that doesn 't flush , spilled placebo ( juice ) and a skinned knee . Luckily , after these minor issues ( the last being the biggest blow . . . to my pride ) , Gus came to my rescue . After falling , I got up , tried to play it off like it was no big thing , fell again and finally staggered to the car . When I opened the door , however , Gus was playing Leona Lewis at full blast even though I already told him that BBC Africa was OK by me . Ah , the restorative power of bad pop music . Mondays we always visit sites in the Shire ( pronounced she - ray Valley which is , in the words of our team : dirty hot . And Mitondo , the site we went to this week , is also a dirty long drive . As Gus had kindly indulged my prediliction for horrible music , however , I could have sat in the car for another couple hours . When you roll up to a site listening to Akon 's " So Paid , " you know that your week / month is irrelevant because you are so freaking happy at the moment . But I digress . Our clinic went fairly smoothly although Mitondo is kind of annoying because the moms were showing up late and sort of trickling in which makes it very difficult to get things done in an efficient manner . We 'd measure 10 kids , go help weigh some , measure a few more , make some antibiotics , weigh some more kids , wander around , measure some more etc etc ad nauseum . When we finally finished at clinic we determined that our day was not quite over . We would have to make a home visit . When a mother fails to show up to clinic , we create a " send the message " card and give it to the HSA that is responsible for that family 's village . The HSA delivers the card to their house and lets them know when the next appointment is . In order to find these missing children , we always ask directions to the home on the original study form . Now when I say " directions , " I don 't mean the kind that MapQuest gives . A typical " directions " section reads like this : " from Namphungo Health Center , go down road until Nhware village . Once there , go to second bore hole and ask about family at Mr . Nrwutu 's home behind maize mill . " Amazingly , the HSAs seem to find these families with no issue . They generally are able to get the mother to come to the next village or bring back news that the child has passed away . Today , however , this mother had failed to respond to two separate send the message cards and the village HSA was working with us at clinic and informed us that the child was still alive . On our way home , therefore , we stopped on the road and , with the HSA , ventured into the village to find the mother . When we got to the hut we found the child and the father . The mother was inside and , they informed us , had just given birth the night before . This sent the HSAs into a tizzy becuase giving birth at home is illegal - mothers must go to the local Health Center or they must give a goat to the village chief as a punishment . This is policy is apparently meant to discourage home birth because of the increased risk of complications ( although having seen the Health Centers which are little more than Tylenol dispensaries with a row of dingy old beds I think that the increased benefit is minimal ) . I told the HSAs that they could deal with the unauthorized birth later and asked the mother to bring her older child to the road so that we could measure her . We determined that this child ( the older one who was in the study ) was fine and asked the mother why she had missed clinic . She told us that she had run away from the child 's father and was gone for several months . They apparently reconciled because she was back in the village living with him . In the course of the conversation , however , the HSA informed us that the mother said that her new baby was 2 months premature , hadn 't cried and wouldn 't nurse . As this was clearly a serious situation , we told the mother to go get the baby and we would bring the baby to the nearest Health Center where they could get an ambulance to the district hospital . As the mother turned around to go back and get the infant , however , she basically collapsed . We picked her up , put her in our car , went and got the baby ourselves and headed to the Health Center . During the ride to the health center I had this tiny baby in my lap . It was so cold and so puny . It 's hard to describe how I felt : it almost didn 't seem real but at the same time I felt protective and scared . When we got to the health center , however , there was no clinical officer and no ambulance . So we piled back into the car and drove an hour to the hospital . During the ride , I was trying my damndest to keep that little tiny thing warm . It was barely moving and it was taking labored breaths . As soon as we stepped out of the car at the hospital , however , the baby had begun to sort of mew in a high pitched voice . We left the baby and mother at the maternity ward and finally headed home . While I feel good about the fact that we took the baby to the hospital ( it almost certainly would have died at home because it was too small and lethargic to nurse ) , it doesn 't feel like a clear victory . The hospital , while better than the health center , is abysmal . The mothers lie on garbage bags instead of sheets , the water is most likely infected with cholera and the resources are severely limited . Add to that the fact that this woman 's husband is probably a dead beat and you begin to realize that you may have helped the baby but you did not save the him or his family by any means . I comfort myself , however , with the knowledge that we truly did the best we could . As we were leaving the hospital , Rose , one of our nurses , turned to me and said : " that baby was so very warm as if he had been with his mother . You did an amazing job of taking care of the baby . " And that is what I am going to take away from this hectic Monday .
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I have my opinions about what I believe is going on with the weather , but here is not the place to share them . " Well , then why are you writing about it ? " You may be asking . Simple . . . God has had me in the Scripture for the past few days and I keep seeing something I had never considered . Could it not be that the reason we see such drastic weather patterns here in our country is because of a " Moral " Climate change ? I know . . . I know . . . it seems as though I 've stretched a bit here with this posting . I just think that maybe there is a connection between the state of morality and the times and situations we find ourselves in . My wife , Vicki , brought up a good point . She asked me if I believe what I 've posted , then why are the weather patterns all Kaflooy in every country . Point taken , but have no answer for , other than I live in these here United States of America , so my interest lies within our borders . But when the people de - volved , sunk into , or ever how you want to define it , levels of sin that were dark beyond dark , God would allow things to happen . There were times when God allowed the elements to totally get out of control . What does this have to do with our nation . Our coins and currency may say " In God We Trust " , but the moral climate of our nation has long since moved past that belief . We no longer trust in God . We trust in Government to solve our problems . We trust in technology to save us . We trust in " Self " first and foremost above anyone or anything . We have pushed God from the collective conscious of this nation . God is an offense to a lot folks . I think this may be some very dangerous territory our country has moved into . I know that the various forms of media has transformed our country into an " information now " people . These various news stories come at us rapid - fire , in an almost overwhelming rate . What we can see and hear now took days and weeks to filter to the people in times past . We have 24 hour news . . smart phones that crank out info 24 / 7 . So we have more access than every before . We see and hear of scandal among our leaders . . . . . the very ones we elected to our government seem to have no problem " embellishing " the truth , calling evil good and good evil . In our effort to shine up and polish America 's image , we declare our nation to be a " tolerant " nation for all peoples . We are a tolerant group of folks , aren 't we ? Except when what you believe runs contrary to what I believe . . . then we are intolerant . I do believe that there is a remnant of folks who still fear , worship and honor God . They move in love among their fellow man . They are the ones who have embraced the mission of God to tell THE story to those who have yet to truly meet Jesus . I confess to you that in this nation , being a believer / follower of Christ of not exactly the most politically correct stance a body could take . That 's o . k . as if you read the Scriptures , we were warned way ahead of time that the world would hate us . But no where . . . . . no place . . . no way , are we told that we are to return that hate with hate of our own . Seems to me that the devil has stirred the pot of this here country . He has wound up the hearts of people and has brought division to our nation . Blacks hate whites . . . whites hate Hispanics . . . . Women hat men . . . Men are a bunch of pedophiles . . . . and on and on and on . I do remember somewhere in Scripture where Jesus told a bunch of folks that " A house divided will not stand " . We , as a nation , may not have fallen , but I do ( from time to time ) hear the timbers in the rafters creaking under the weight of sin . Noah was a righteous man , blameless among the people of his time , and he walked with God . From time to time , I find myself whining and complaining about how " dark " spiritually our nation has become . The Government is corrupt . People are self - centered . Some churches only tickle the ears with smooth words and false promises . Where is God ? Yet every time I act this way , I am reminded of Noah . Think about this . He was the only righteous and blameless man on the face of the planet . Everyone else was corrupt . Imagine the pressure that came from neighbors and so - called friends . I don 't think Mr . Noah got invited to too many parties and get together , do you ? I love the last part of this verse . He Walked With God ! Noah wasn 't guided or lead by the call and dictates of this world . His mind , heart , spirit and soul were set on following God . He did not have access to a Bible . He didn 't have Christian radio and television . He simply had a relationship . In our day and time , we feel like we have to have all the trappings . . . . . . . . . . the worship Cd 's , the latest DVD from the latest conference . The hottest , greatest new word from the Christian author of the month . Funny . . . . . . . . . . . Noah just had God . Maybe simpler is better . Noah simply did everything God told him to do . He trusted that God knew best . God gave him a plan to survive . Build an ark , leave everything else to God . Noah carried out the plan . Day after day . Year after year . . . building that ark . Do you think there were day 's that Noah wanted to quit ? I do . It would be hot . Sun beating down . Neighbor 's walking by where the ark was being built . " Hey Noah ! You want to go fishing ? Oh yeah , that 's right . . . . you 've got to build a boat and we don 't even live near any body of water large enough to float it . . . . . . . . bwahhhhhh ! " Noah kept on . This is what the Lord says , " Stop at the crossroads and look around . Ask for the old , godly way , and walk in it . Travel its path and you will find rst for your souls . But you reply , " No , that 's not the rod we want ! " I posted watchmen over you who said , " Listen for the sound of the alarm . " But you replied , " No ! We won 't pay attention . " The line cannot force itself on you , but the voice that cries out from the dark side of the line can be , and sometimes is , a powerful force . At one time those in recovery lived on the other side of the line , and gave no thought to changing . Sin , like most other things that feed our old nature , was pleasurable at first . You didn 't really notice how dark spiritually it was . You just knew that your desire had found a home where it was fed . You enjoyed the company of those who were on the same side of the line as you were . But time has a way of changing our perspective on events and situations . What once was fun suddenly become a prison . A place where emotional and physical pain grew at an ever increasing rate . Here is where the trap really begins to lay hold of you . You hurt so much that the only thing you can think of is finding relief from the pain . On the dark side of this line , the only thing your mind can focus on is one thought . " I must get whatever it takes to ease this pain . The dark voice has convinced you that the answer is more drugs and / or alcohol . So you use . Occasionally you would consider crossing back over the line into a safe place and way of living . But the dark voice screamed even louder , accusing you and weighing you down with guilt and shame . You give in and face the fact that , according to the voice , you are what you are . . . . you will never change . . . you are hopeless . Those who have managed to cross back from the darkness find gratitude for being free . But this freedom is something that has to be guarded and protected . Yes , it is the saving power and blood of Christ that empowered us to move back into a right way of living . . . . . but such a cost requires a discipline that we must engage in . To me , the Twelve Steps are such a discipline that help everyone move forward . The steps take you through a process of dealing with your past , and realizing that only God can change the character issues that drove you in the past . Those character flaws that aided in our bad decision making are removed and replaced with a character that is in line with how God desires us to approach life ( see Galatians 5 : 22 - 23 ) . Without the presence of a Higher Power , Jesus , in your life . . . . you have no protection against the line , or the dark voice . You may even put together a period of sobriety , but the line and voice are always close at hand waiting . . . . . . biding its time . . . . patiently watching . . . softly whispering a soothing invitation to return to your old ways . Life gets hard . . . . Problems occur . . . Situations that are beyond your control . . . . Rather than seek God at this point , your thoughts move toward the line . Oh , you may not be planning on crossing over , but you just want to see how close you can get without falling prey to the darkness . In your mind , you 've convinced yourself that this is the nature of real recovery . . . . " The ability to be near drugs and alcohol , but with no intention of using . " That , my friend , is what we refer to as " Addict - a - logic " . Recovery is not measured by how close you can be to drugs and alcohol , and those who use . . . . Recovery is measured by the simple fact that you move as far away as possible , having nothing to do with any of it . I 've kind of chased this posting today because of a friend of mine who has chosen to move back over the line . I won 't go into details , but suffice it to say that he is not doing well . My greatest fear is that he has made this journey so many times , he may not come back . Not because of choice , but simply because his body is worn out and may not survive this dark journey . Can God bring my friend out ? Yes ! I believe this with every ounce of my being . In an age and time where image is everything , and there is much energy , money and time spent trying to be the perfect church . . . . . have the best lighting and worship teams , the most dynamic pastor , it 's the simple things that impact people the most . I was at Rapha yesterday , when one of the men approached me wanting to talk . Last Saturday was his first visit to VRC and I knew that God had impacted him in a huge way during our ministry time . As our conversation began , he cut right to the chase . " Last Saturday night was the first time I have ever felt accepted in a church meeting , " he said . He went on to go down this list of things that had happened to him . He confessed that he came simply to get away from Rapha , even if only for a little while . But he never anticipated what was going to happen . He went on to tell me how he 'd been in other churches and felt shame because he was covered in tatoo 's . He felt that people were staring at them and judging him because of the tat 's . He said that he felt out of place and that people looked down on him . Now before I write on in today 's posting , I know ( and you do too ) that probably the majority of things he said he felt in other churches was his own " Junk " or personal baggage manifesting . Some might have been the Holy Spirit at work , but no matter which , it put him in a place where mentally and spiritually , he could not hear or receive from God . On the other hand , I know that some people are judgmental when it comes to those who don 't fit in a church mold . Vicki and I belonged to an up and coming church at one time . They were a kind of experimental church for a denomination that was looking to redefine what Sunday Church was all about . We heard over and over that " This church was going to welcome everyone and that we were going to be a church for the unchurched . " Well , it didn 't take to long for that vision and speech to fall by the way side . We had some folks show up one Sunday asking if they could come in and worship with us . These were hard core people with the whole biker thing going on . Longer than long hair , lots of leather , beard , denim jackets . They came in and sat down together . . . . by themselves . No one in that church even went over to speak to them or welcome them . Vicki and I help to get them some coffee and welcomed them to the service . needless to say we moved on from this " experimental church " shortly after this encounter . So the main focal point at Vineyard ReCovery Church has been and will always be that we make everyone feel welcomed . This is another reason that the model we do church by is very laid back . . . relaxed . . . . and interactive . Our worship is what some might say is " Culture Current " . By this , I mean that we use the styles and songs that will speak to those who attend . " Bottom line is . . . . . . . If you come to the meeting , and because of the stAs I write this , I do want you to know that I am not naive enough to believe that " how " we do church is liked by everyone who comes through our front door . It isn 't . Some don 't care for the style of church we are , and I 'm o . k . with that . We have never tried to be a church that thinks it can be everything to every one . We have been called to serve and minister to a specific people . I get all kind of suggestions from well meaning people who think they are helping . One person suggested that if we wanted to draw larger crowds we should consider dropping the word " RECOVERY " from our church name . I don 't mean to be so blunt ( maybe I do ) but is that word is keeping you from coming to our meetings , then you probably don 't need to be there anyway . Our main goal at VRC is to love everyone . I know . . . I know . . . we hear that all the time in churches everywhere . I want the love we show to be genuine and direct to the individual . To convey the truth that " You are important to God and to us . " In fact , I have told our core leadership that is someone comes to our meeting and we never see them again , if they didn 't get anything during their time with us , I pray that they went away knowing that God loves them and so do we . It was a quiet day . . . a good day . Reflecting on my own journey as a father , as well as remembering my own dad . I chose the picture above of my two sons , Chad and Josh , because that is how I still see them in my mind , and in my heart . Oh those two little guys have been replaced by grown men with families of their own . But still . . . if you get very quiet in this house here on Greene Street , I believe you can still hear the slamming of doors followed by a loud inquiry of " Hey ! Do we have anything to drink or eat ? " Of course such inquires were never intended just for the two Bynum boys . . . . it had to include the whole entire neighborhood gang . These two boys only had one speed . . . . that would be wide open . The only time that speed would not be applied was when there was work to be done . It took a U . N . summit meeting to come up with a plan that was fair to both parties when it came to work . Every chore was divided equally . Equality being defined in the eyes of who ever got to choose first . Emptying the dishwasher . . . . racks had to be divided so that no one son had more to unload than the other . I have refereed arguments over how to divide the silver ware rack . Even today when clan Bynum gets together , and mom tells the boys to unload the dishwasher , they revert to the same behavior . " Wait a minute , " Josh would say loudly . . . " You 've got less to do than I have . " To which Chad would declare , " Being the older brother has benefits " . Such exchanges usually meant it was time for Vicki or I to step in . Let 's not get on what took place when it was time to mow the grass . . . the yard was divided and subdivided into plots , squares , territory based on topographical maps . If your part of the yard included higher incline then it was only logical you didn 't have to mow as much as say someone who was on level ground . There were times when I use to wonder . . . " How will these two make it when they are grown . " But make it they did . When Chad was five and Josh was two , Vicki and I were attending Central Methodist . One Sunday night during ministry time , we were both very much aware of how inadequate we were to raise children . Not that we were stupid . . or ignorant . . . we just knew that there was a greater call to being parents other than having good children . In our hearts we wanted them to be godly children . So we decided to take our sons to the altar and present them to God . Here we went . . . Chad and Josh in tow , we placed them on the altar rail and prayed . . . " They are your sons , Lord . We don 't want to mess this whole parent thing up , so give us wisdom and understanding on how to raise them the way you want us to . " I 'd love to say that the heaven 's parted and angels walked up and down a celestial ladder , but it didn 't happen . What did transpire over the years was the faithfulness of God that rested upon our sons and us . We 've been through some hard times . We still made some bone headed mistakes , but God has demonstrated His faithfulness because of our giving our sons to Him . May sound a bit corny or delusional , but it has been a real and tangible work from God 's hand that we 've watched over the years , and now it is taking place in the lives of our grand children . So while I am grateful to receive all the accolades that come with Father 's day , I know who the real Father is in this celebration . I have no problem bowing my knee in gratitude for the family he has allowed me to lead . So to my wife and my sons , may God continue to bless you all . As a Father , there is a great sense of humility in that at some point , when I stand before the Father , I will be able to present my entire family to Him . Wowzers ! ! Take a hard look at myself . . . . Yep . . . That 's me . . . Mr . " C " . . Mr . Average . Now don 't be offended by this . . . . . and don 't say . . " You should not talk about yourself in such a manner . " Well , the truth is . . . I am average . I have the life . . . And the grades to back it up . . . I remember my first day in the 7th grade . We use to call it Junior High School back in the good old days . . . . Going up to that window to take a gander at whose homeroom I was in with the rest of my fellow herd - mates . Hmmm . . . . 7th grade . . . . Bonner . . . . Bowman . . . Bentley . . . Boo - yah . . . BYNUM . Mrs . Lawerence / Home Room . . . . . And then , after her name was something that would define me for the rest of my school years . . . . " C - section " . And it wasn 't talking about the type of birth I had . It was the group I had been assigned to . I was in C - Section . . . You know . . . 3rd from the top . . . A - sectionB - sectionC - section . . . . middle of the pack . . . The place of average - ness . Wasn 't sure how I felt about it . . . . But it was what it was . For the next 6 years . . . I labored in C - section . Truth be known , I was an average student . I didn 't make failing grades . . . . but I wasn 't beta club material either . The powers that be and the testing we had taken had deemed me as average . Some days it seemed to fit me really well . . . Other times , I wanted to defy their definition of my educational state . But in the end . . . it was what it was . Even today , if I get really honest with myself , I am average . That means . . . . the middle place . . . I don 't excel at somethings . . . . But I also don 't fail in others . Above all this self - defining stands the presence and plans of God . I hold fast to the words of Psalm 139 . . . " C - me . . . . Feel me . . . . Touch me . . . heal me . . " ( sorry for the WHO reference . . couldn 't help it . ) Your eyes saw my substance , being yet unformed , and in Your book , they all were written , the days fashioned for me , when as yet there were none of them . God knew what He was doing when it came to my life . He created me for His purposes and His plans . . . So if living out my life in the radical place of being average is part of His doing , then I am content at Not the wood or nail . Not the crown or hammer but the life that was given on that cross . The shadow of it covers humanity and either brings life or judgement . Free to all who would surrender and answer His invitation . It is not pretty to look at . I wonder why it was taken into the hands of man and made of gold to be worn around the necks of those who do not understand what it means ? Even in my own heart , I do not know if I fully understand the totality of the cross . I am excited to tell you that I have set up a station here in my home that is going to allow me to transfer all our library of tapes at Gadsden Vineyard , into a medium that will make it easier for folks to take advantage of . I will pass along a master copy to Jim Bentley , and since he is the true Tech - Yoda at GVC , I will allow him to dispense said teaching any way he deems best . " Ummmm . . . give away he will ! " . As for your 's truly , I am going to create a place on the communication wall that will house what I refer to as THE LEGACY SERIES . These are teachings and sessions that will be on CD for you to take and listen to . There isn 't any cost , the Cd 's are free . I know that some of you have moved on past Cd 's and I totally understand this . But we are still giving away a ton of them every Saturday night , as well as through the week . I try to keep a stash of them with me at all times , and pass them out to people I meet to give them an insight into what we do at Vineyard ReCovery , as well as what the Vineyard as a whole is all about . So look for the Cd 's on the wall next to the sound booth . I can 't tell you what this library of teachings means to me . It was where I cut my teeth ( so to speak ) and my theology was formed . A theology that carried the message that " We all get to play " . What does this mean ? That God called us , empowered us , and now is equipping us to do the works of Jesus . Healing . . . . deliverance . . . . salvation . . . . all these things make up the Kingdom of God ( His dynamic rule and reign in our time and space ) . We pray in the Lord 's prayer . . . " Your Kingdom come . . . Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven . " How does the Kingdom will of God get accomplished here on earth ? Through His children . As we move out and encounter people daily , we have ample opportunity to not only tell our story , but validate our belief by demonstrations of His power through our prayers over these people . Tuesday night , I got to go out to Rapha to teach a Bible study . Since it is voluntary , I never really know how many or who will show up . Tuesday there were four of us . We took a look at Matthew 15 : 8 , which read . . . " This people honor Me with their lips , but their hearts are far away from me . " The very idea that we could stand in the presence of God , having all sorts of worship going on . . . singing and proclaiming His goodness with our lips . . . . . . . but our hearts are focused on another . I think maybe you could classify this as " Spiritual Adultery " . I mean how would you like it if you went out on a date with your special other . You lined up the finest restaurant . . . . chosen their best meal . . . . had music that you wanted played was extra special to you . Everything was set . There you sat gazing across the table from the one you love . . . . and they are telling you how much they love you . . . . . . . . . telling you how important you are to them . . . . how they want to spend the rest of their life with you . . . . yet all the while this is going on . . . . . . . they are thinking about and wishing they were with someone else . How would you feel if you found out this was going on ? Bottom line is that we will chase after what our heart is focused on . We truly become what we desire . . . Jeremiah 2 : 5 - " Thus says the Lord . . . ' What injustice did your fathers find in Me , that they went far from Me and walked after emptiness and became empty ? ' " Such is the heart of sin / addiction . An every growing emptiness that demands to be filled . A demand that can never be met . As we use to say at Rapha . . . " Addiction / sin is cunning , baffling , patient and powerful . Yesterday , I got to make my way over to Shane Elmore 's transitional houses to hang out with the guys . Doug and Brian were there so we sat in their living room as they shared what was going on in their lives . Put these two guys on your prayer list ( as well as the others who reside there ) . Doug went to court to take care of legal issues . He has been faithful to continue to address his legal stuff . As he told me yesterday , " In the past , I would have just ignored them all and let the powers that be come and pick me up . . . then I would deal with them . " Of course in that mind set , " dealing w / issues " usually meant spending time in jail . Brian has a new job that is pretty taxing , but pays well . He 's excited that he 's making his own way now and not trying to slide by or scam someone for money . Brian has to return to Missouri next month to take care of his own legal problems , but he too is excited to be dealing with his past junk so he can move forward in this new way of While we 're on the subject of praying . . . Please add Gretchen Elmore in your prayers . She is going through some physical stuff right now and could use a healing from God . Well , coffee is finished , and it 's time to get my wife up . . . . Guess I better put it all in gear and move out . . . Thanks for stopping by the Greene Street Letters this morning . . . See you tomorrow . . . God on you . . . Been doing a lot of reading and have come to the conclusion that we aren 't real certain about how all this " life " and " Living " stuff is suppose to play out . It 's kind of like the weather . Everyone talks about it but no one does anything . Well , maybe that was a bad analogy . I guess what I 'm trying to say , is that we want to boil the essence of " living in Christ " down to a one - size - fits - all kind of deal . Now don 't get me wrong about what I 'm writing . Let me make this perfectly clear ( using my best Nixon impression ) . . there is only one way to the Father , and that way has a name , and that name is Jesus . Yes , Jesus died for all mankind . . . but as diverse as mankind is , each of us must answer the call to follow . That call is played out in our daily lives , and the last time I checked , each of us have different things we face , confront , must do , and take care of each day . So would it not stand to reason that Jesus , through the work of the Holy Spirit is in the middle , guiding us and showing us what we must do to simply make it through the day . You see , I don 't believe that you can boil life down to a method . Like I wrote earlier , one - size - fits - all . Once again , I turn to a quote from Francis Schaeffer : " Often after a person is born again , and asks , " What shall I do next ? They are given a list of things , usually of a limited nature , and primarily negative ( In other words , a list of " don 't . So in their mind , the idea of if I do not do this series of things . . . then I will be spiritual . " God is all up into bringing order to our lives . In fact , if you read Genesis chapter 1 you 'll see Him do exactly that . The earth was formless , void , and darkness was the rule of the day . So what does God do ? Steps in . . . . . grabs hold of all the chaos . . . and one by one speaks order and arranges it for a greater good and purpose . He does the same thing with our lives . Addiction ( sin ) has created chaos . It has dictated to us that we are formless ( or without purpose ) . It has emptied us out of any hopes , dreams or aspirations . And needless to point out that a life lived in addiction , is a life lived in spiritual darkness . We weren 't really living . . . . we were existing . God steps in with His offer and gift of salvation . We turn will and life over to His care , and for the first time we begin to experience life . . . . . . . . real life . . . . . . . . . . . abundant life . Not so much abundance that is measured in material possessions as it is a life measured by the intangible qualities . A life of peace . . . . . . . a life now with the capability to love and be loved . . . . . . a life of joy that goes beyond your mind and reason . Abundant ! I found this incredible video that kind of explains where we ( the Vineyard Church ) came from . As you watch the video , you may tell yourself that we , Vineyard ReCovery Church , is nothing like what you are seeing . Well , in some cases , that is true . It 's not the outward appearance of how we do church , as much as it is the inward beliefs that define who we are . You need to understand that the Vineyard was founded on ( 1 . ) Like values that we came to embrace . . . ( 2 ) Like priorities that we believed in . . . . ( 3 ) and a like - minded theology that defined who we are . John Wimber , the man who brought the Vineyard to the forefront in the 70 's , was not real concerned with the structure of a Vineyard as much as he was the life of the church . How the Vineyard looked was near as important as what the Vineyard believed . There were some things , views and concepts that we all gravitated toward because we saw the value of believing in them . But the culture - current attitude toward the dress , the music , the organization of the church was left to the local group of believers . John wanted to create a church for the baby - boomers that spoke to them in a cultural way , without diluting the message of Christ . The gospel was not to be tampered with . As Wimber use to say . . . " The vehicle may change that delivers the message . . . but the message remains the same . " As a church , Vineyard ReCovery values the pursuit of God . Pursuit being the catch word . Relationship is something that is alive and active . It 's not enough that we receive this incredible gift of salvation then sit down and wait for Jesus ' return . There is a drawing that takes place in our hearts . . . . a longing , if you will , to be with Him . Be with Him through the reading and studying of His word . . . . Be with Him in the interaction I have with others in my daily life , sharing my story of what Christ has done for me . . . . By spending time in conversation with Him . At the same time , remembering that conversation is a two way event . So as much as I talk , I should also listen . Kind of a daily walking out of Step # 11 . So while I don 't push the name VINEYARD like some believe I should . I do push Jesus who is the heart and soul of our church . I believe that we have the same call today , as a church , as when Jesus first spoke it in Matthew 11 : 5 - - " GO and tell John the things which you hear and see . The blind see and the lame walk . The lepers are cleansed and the deaf hear . The dead are raised up and the poor have the gospel preached to them . " Full time ministry for 19 years . Ordained for 20 and still haven 't had the wrapper taken off yet . I am still a novice when it comes to this pastor - thing . My call is too people in recovery . Within two weeks of moving into full time ministry , I was connected with a local drug and alcohol rehab . Connected in such a way that I have been a part of it every since 1998 . I have grown during this time but not sure how my skills would translate out in the world . God continues to have a heart for those in addiction and I am grateful to have a place where I can be myself and share the truth about Jesus . Ain 't God good ? Welcome to the Greene Street Letters . It has become my venue for sharing what is going on at Vineyard Recovery Church . Don 't let the word Church scare you . The Greene Street Letters is a daily posting to simply say that there is more to life than what you see . More to life than " stuff " . My simple take of 60 + years of following Jesus . Some days were good days . . . some days I managed to get off in the ditch . He is worthy of the pursuit , so that is what I do . . . . . . . . I pursue Jesus in everything I do . Not the Jesus of the church . Not the Jesus of the denomination . Nothing wrong with those things , but Jesus is so much more . Thanks for dropping by and I hope you return from time to time to stop and ponder your own relationship with Jesus . God on you . . . . mb We believe that God is the eternal king . He is an infinite , unchangeable Spirit , perfect in holiness , wisdom , goodness , justice , power and love . From all eternity He exists as the One Living and True God in three persons of one substance , the Father , the Son and the Holy Spirit equal in power and glory . we believe that God created mankind in His image , male and female , for relationship with Himself and to govern the earth . Under the temptation of Satan , our original parents fell from grace , bringing sin , sickness and God 's judgment of death to the earth . Through the fall , Satan and his demonic hosts gained access to God 's good creation . Creation now experiences the consequences and effects of Adam 's original sin . Human beings are born into sin , subject to God 's judgment of death and captive to Satan 's kingdom of darkness . We believe that Jesus , God 's Son , was sent to this world , conceived by the Holy Spirit and born of a virgin , Mary , fully God and fully man in one person . He is humanity as God intended us to be . Jesus was anointed as God 's Messiah and empowered by the Holy Spirit , ushering in God 's kingdom reign on earth , overpowering the reign of Satan by resisting temptation , preaching the good news of salvation , healing the sick , casting out demons and raising the dead . Jesus ' atoning death on the cross took God 's judgment for sin which we deserved as law - breakers . Jesus ' resurrection and ascent back to heaven opened the door for those who received salvation to begin a relationship with God . Higher Power ? That would be Jesus for me . He is the rock higher than I am . He is the cloud I march under . He is the Hope of Glory . He is my Savior and Lord . He is the one who completes me in this live . Jesus has done for me ( and continues to ) what I could not do for myself . I will not be caught by the things of this world or by my old mindset . Jesus has set me free . As a community of people in recovery , we affirm that our higher power is Jesus Christ . He did for us what we could not do for ourselves . Just as God told the children of Israel He was going to give them a promised land , He has revealed to us that He desires to give us a " Promised Life . " When Israel got to the promised land , God instructed them to go and in a possess it , fight for it and claim it . In recovery , the 12 Steps are the directions given to us on how to fight , possess and claim this promised life .
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I have a home in Oakland . It 's where I hang my hats . It is where at least a piece or two of my heart resides . I confess that I maintain what is , for some , an unhealthy connection to my childhood home in Boulder , Colorado . I see you . You can put your hands down now . When I think of street names and maps , I still have an easier time getting around Boulder in my head than I do on the real streets of Oakland . Of course I have also internalized the geography of Disneyland , and I am more than a little nervous that all the new Star Wars additions will make navigating the Magic Kingdom a challenge again . That seldom used path at the back of Fantasyland that brings you back around behind Big Thunder Mountain , for example . It could be that wherever I am , I will always pine for a simpler time , a place that doesn 't really exist . Not anymore . I thought about this as I looked to the south , from the front steps of my elementary school on any given morning , you can see the lights coming from the Oakland Coliseum . Currently it is called " Oh - dot - co " stadium , It is the home of the Raiders and the Athletics . Both teams have long and storied tradition here in the East Bay , having won multiple championships and cementing themselves in the hearts and minds of many of the residents . It depends a lot on how many games each one of those teams is winning at the time . Everyone loves a winner . But it should also be pointed out that in the big book of die - hard fans , those who love their Silver and Black are right up near the top . Which is why the current non - committal nonsense coming out of the ownership of the Oakland Raiders doesn 't make a lot of sense . When Mark Davis , son of Al , starts rambling on about a " Raider Nation " that has no particular location affixed to it , it causes a disturbance in the force . " Don 't make us leave , " is how they taunt the locals , who bring their signs to games and public gatherings , pleading for their team to stay put . But it 's a business , after all . There are people and municipalities across the country who are falling all over themselves trying to get a professional football franchise . For the chance to pay for the rights and facilities to get a professional football franchise . Never mind that crowd of rabid men , women , boys and girls in their black t - shirts and silver face paint in Oakland . If you want your football , you 'll have to come up with a little more scratch . Just a little further south , in the shadow of Oh - dot - co is a closed Wal - Mart store : the place where a lot of that officially licensed silver and black swag was sold . That store was closed , along with two hundred sixty - eight others across the globe , last month . Right about the time that the Raiders were cleaning out their lockers for what might have been the last time , the four hundred employees who once worked just down the street were hanging up their blue vests for the last time . There was some speculation that raising the minimum wage in Oakland may have forced the hand of the uber - retailer , but the fifteen dollars an hour paid to those now unemployed four hundred souls hardly seems like a deal - breaker for a monster like Wal - Mart . Watching cable TV can be kind of a vortex for me . Once I land on a particular show or movie , I start making connections from one film to another , one star to another , one director to the next , making a latticework of everything I have seen in the past week . Or more . For instance , the other night I was checking in on the movie channels and saw that the last hour of Schindler 's List was unspooling just a few notches down the dial from Jaws . Steven Spielberg , director . Shortly thereafter , American Graffiti started up , linking me to the Richard Dreyfuss vein . And there was Harrison Ford , before he was Han Solo , when he was Bob Falfa . He was driving a hot rod on the same streets as Terry the Toad and Debbie . Debbie had last been seen at our house in the form of Mary Lou in The Man Who Fell To Earth . That was Candy Clark cruising with Charles Martin Smith , who we had just seen chasing Jeff Bridges ' Starman across the desert southwest . Which bounced me over to the Karen Allen column , which made me think of Harrison Ford again , this time as Indiana Jones . Directed by Steven Spielberg . I know . It 's a tight little group , not because of some bizarre conspiracy or coincidence , but because of the pretty closed group of pop culture that I allow to come streaming into my living room . Kind of like that tight knit circle of friends that make up the conservative wacko nation . You 've got your Donald J . Trumplestiltskin . You 've got your Sarah " Never Met A Job I Couldn 't Quit " Palin , And now you 've got your Sheriff Joe Arpaio circling the drain right along with them . Again : not a conspiracy or coincidence , just a group of like - minded folks getting together in attempts to make America what it once was : A vast arctic region covered with ice and snow . Sheriff Joe is certainly not the last to jump on the scary bandwagon that is the Trump machine . His appearance does sound an alarm in my head that says , " Wait a minute . Haven 't we already established that these people are a danger to themselves and others ? " I 've been writing blogs about these characters for years now , and somehow they can still raise a crowd . A crowd of excited conservative types who like their talk as tough as it is nonsensical . Sheriff Joe showed up on Iowa to toss some of this verbiage around about illegal immigration , and how he thinks that Trumplywinks will bring about a restoration of the order that preceded the current chaos down on that southern border . Never mind that those Hawkeyes probably don 't get too up in arms about the flood of bad guys coming in from the Show - Me - State , but every little bit of paranoia helps when it comes time to rally the troops . Win a few , lose a few . It 's not if you win or lose , it 's how you play the game . I was brought up believing these words . I have never been part of a dynasty , but I confess that in the big book of winning and losing , I prefer the former . I have played on teams that had to be satisfied with the effort they put in . I have been awarded a number of " Participant " ribbons in my day . I try to steer clear of bandwagons , and whenever practicable , I root the conference . Complaining about the surface or the referees seems petty in the end . I 'm also not one to diminish the idea of good luck or even the superstitions that go along with a winning streak . It 's the way we can participate when we 're not on the field . But once a game is over , it 's over and there 's no going back . Unless you happen to be one of those fans . The kind that lives in the " what if " world of possible pasts . If only there was a time machine that could take you back to 1986 to tell Bill Buckner to keep his fee together . Woulda , coulda , shoulda . It didn 't catch up to me until the sun set on my weekend . Sunday evening as the sky turned in a command performance of orange and blue , the Denver Broncos were heading to the Super Bowl . Their opponent was yet to be selected , but all the fan rays I could possibly have mustered for the week had already been spent on the AFC Championship Game . My wife understood . She had been sitting next to me as my team battled the New England Patriots for the full sixty minutes of regulation time , coming perilously close to slipping into the terrifying world of overtime and its arcane rules and not - so - sudden death . My wife understood because she has been sitting next to me for all these years , as I have watched the rise and fall and rise again of this professional football franchise , as if my life depended on it . It doesn 't . I know that now . But on Sunday afternoon , as the shadows grew long , and the game came down to that final play , my emotions heaving from one side of the spectrum to the next . It is why they play the game . It is why we watch the games . It is why my wife , after years of watching from the sidelines , has found herself on that couch with me , sweating every kick , every first down , awaiting that final score . The gift , for her , was the story : Peyton Manning . The hired gun . The Sheriff . The old man brought in to bring the Broncos back to the glory days . Elway days . This year has not been kind to Mister Manning . Injuries and age have combined to limit his once preternatural skills to that of your standard , garden variety professional quarterback . To the point that he was sent to the bench at the season 's mid - point , where he languished while his young upstart padawan led the team to the brink of the playoffs . Would this be the end of seventeen years calling plays , throwing touchdowns , and trying to get back to that spot at the top of the heap ? In a glorious bit of teamwork and ego check , Peyton held on and rode a dominating performance by his defense to victory and a trip to Santa Clara . Rising up and kicking the dirt off his face , kicked there by the pundits and the powers that be , Peyton Manning rode off into that sunset with one more chance to go out a winner . Never mind that he holds more records than just about anyone else who played the game . Never mind that he has won more games than just about anyone in that same group . The old man , younger than me by some thirteen years , is going to play quarterback in the Super Bowl . I want to believe that it was , in part , my fan rays that made that possible . And the chili my wife served us in orange and blue bowls . And the way we cheered and screamed and tensed and relaxed at all the right moments . I wasn 't out in a field trying to herd cattle into a barn during a hail storm . That 's what I told the nice lady on the telephone . She got points for appreciating my patience . She was the fourth person I had talked to since the day began . On the phone . About our cable TV . And Internet . And phone service . It all started as a demonstration of customer loyalty . Or something like that . A few weeks back , I had called the cable company to see about getting a break on my monthly bill . The fellow in the Customer Loyalty department suggested that I wait a month or so until the start of their new fiscal year , when there would be more deals available . I wanted that : more deals . I wanted to keep the hundreds of cable channels coming into my TV and the blinding fast Internet speed , and a telephone line that would connect me to the company that would give me these things . For a price . I just wanted to be able to talk about that price a little bit . I have been paying my cable bill , on time , for thirty years . I figured I was due some of that loyal customer love , but first I had to call them up to remind them how loyal I have been all these years . I mentioned this during my first call of the morning , which I figured would be the only one I needed to make . The first nice lady I spoke to listened to me opine about my place in their corporate earnings , and she felt she could help me out . Once I got what I wanted , I pushed the issue just a little more . How about a little something for the effort ? Free Showtime ? Why not ? The answer to my rhetorical question came a few hours later when I sat down on my couch to watch my new , cheaper TV . Except there was no Showtime . Or HBO . The new deal seemed to have left be with less to watch than more . That wasn 't the deal I was after . So I called back . After wading through the first wave of droid prompts , I started talking to a nice gentleman who clicked and clacked a little bit and then opened up my account . Apparently there had been some confusion about which buttons needed to be pushed and which wires got crossed . He made sure that before we hung up that I was happy about what I was seeing on my television . Problem solved , right ? Except that while I was on the line with the cable company , my mother in law was trying to get in touch with my wife , and had to resort to calling her cell phone because she wasn 't able to ring through or leave a message . Our special features were gone . We had our movie channels , but no caller ID or voice mail . I got back on the line again to run the gauntlet one more time . This time , the customer service person listened to my situation and quickly passed me off to a technician . She was very enthusiastic about helping get to the bottom of this now hours - long dilemma . She thanked me for my patience , and that 's when I let fly with my comment about herding cattle in a hailstorm . This only served to pump her up even more . She fixed the problem . We got our voice mail back . We got our caller ID . We got our Showtime . And she gave us a one hundred dollar credit on our bill . Suddenly I felt just great about the time I had spent chatting up the cable company from the relative safety and calm of my living room . For a hundred dollars , I could make a few phone calls . Or herd cattle in a hailstorm . Jack Sprat could eat no fat . His wife could eat no lean . And so , between them both you see , they licked the platter clean . Well , that 's a little graphic , isn 't it ? The image sticks with me now , more than when I first heard the rhyme in my youth . Now that I 'm married , of course , it sounds like the working model of that whole " opposites attract " ethos that get floated around from time to time . I have also referred , from time to time , to the Pushme - Pullyou nature of human relationships . The trouble is , to quote John Cleese in one of the funniest episodes of Cheers ever made , this is " the song of the truly desperate . " It means that my distaste for kale can 't really be made up for by my wife 's fondness for this super food . It means that when my wife says she wants to paint the bathroom blue , I still have to wait and see what shade , or shades , she really has in mind . There is this great big negotiation that takes place every day between people in relationships , and it would be great if there was come arithmetic means to describe these interactions , but it 's never that simple . Unless there was a way to figure out how to share a bag of Hershey 's Miniatures . Milk Chocolate , Mister Goodbar , Krackel , and Special Dark . Sure , it would be easy enough to hope that your wife would just sit back and let you peel and eat all those chocolatey treats while she sits back in her chair with a bowl of broccoli slaw all for herself . That 's not really going to happen . It wouldn 't be right . Nor would sorting out those krispy Krackels and saving them aside for her dessert . They 're mostly air . It 's probably important to be equitable about how we divvy up the Goodbars , since they have all that peanutty protien . The milk chocolate ? Well it is the vanilla , for lack of a better descriptor . In my house , my wife gladly surrenders those because they don 't necessarily add to the infinite variety of life . They are just chocolate . It 's the Special Dark for which we both pine . It 's Special . It says so on the wrapper . If we 're trying to love , honor and cherish , how can we keep this property community ? True , unconditional love or its literary equivalent might make you think that caring is sharing , and vice versa . That 's not always the case . Sometimes you get that whole gift of the Magi thing going on , which leaves the last piece of chocolate sitting on a table while we politely defer to the other . Out loud , at least Secretly , we wish we could have all the Special Dark . And the Mister Goodbars . And the Milk Chocolate . The Krackel can be saved aside for guests . That 's because we care . Vern : You think Mighty Mouse could beat up Superman ? Teddy : What are you cracked ? Vern : Why not ? I saw the other day , he was carrying five elephants in one hand . Teddy : Boy , you don 't know nothin ' , Mighty Mouse is a cartoon , Superman is a real guy , no way a cartoon could beat up a real guy . Vern : Yeah , maybe you 're right . . . would be a good fight though ! Teddy : Tssh . I am suggesting that this conversation has been going on for decades , and it will continue for decades more . Comic book movies will ensure that . This spring , Batman will try to beat up Superman . Captain American will try to beat up Iron Man . Something about absolute power corrupting absolutely , or maybe super power corrupts superly . So , if I 'm hanging around Gotham City , and I have grown tired of how easy it is to round up the garden variety bank robbers and thugs , I will probably pine for those instances of Penguins or Jokers escaping whatever confines they have been condemned to over the years . I might even start looking at the Daily Planet to see what 's happening down the river in Metropolis . If I were the kind of guy who dresses up like a flying rodent , I might start looking over my shoulder , and start to gauge my super - ness by the guy in the blue tights . Just as we wonder if God can make a boulder so large that he can 't lift it , Batman probably wonders if there isn 't something he could pack in that utility belt that would level the Justice League playing field a little bit . Iron Man and Captain America have been alpha dogs in the same pack for a long time . Sitting across from Tony Stark in Stark Tower , knowing that you owe him for your resurrection from an ice floe must pain Cap . He 's a team player and all , but having to play catch - up with a billionaire playboy philanthropist must wear on a guy over time . And don 't think the billionaire playboy philanthropist doesn 't feel it on his side . Keenly . He needs a red and gold shell to keep up with the super antics of his super soldier associate . He might be a little green under all that red and gold . And so it goes , in the world of superheroes . We wonder when this costumed crusader will tip this way or that . We worry about allegiances and alliances that will undermine the stability provided by a group of extra - human crimebusters . But it 's not real life . We shouldn 't be as worried about the big screen conflicts of spandex clad superfolks as we are about the podium full of contenders for the big prize in November 's real life election . Red Man versus Blue Woman . Thunderhair versus Old Guy . Computer graphics would help a lot . Posted by When I read the article , I was sitting in my classroom , preparing for another day . I had already made sure that all the chairs had been moved back from the library so that children would have a place to sit . I checked the date on the board to be certain that I had the right day of the week written there so as not to confuse the kiddies . The ones who bother to read what is on the board , that is . I made a cursory check of all the plugs and machines in front of which students would be sitting . The lights were on , the teacher was home . Next door , another teacher was busily stapling homework packets for the coming week . We were preparing for the day . It was still dark outside . I blew my nose and coughed , surrendering to the age - old question : Am I sick enough to stay at home ? Most days I don 't bother too long with that question . The notable exception would be those halcyon days of kidney stones and pain medication . Those are the ones I fail to negotiate . Surrender . Missing a day of school is tough on a kid , who spends the rest of the week trying to catch up . It 's about thirty times harder for a teacher , who misses out on all the things those kids do and say in their absence . Staying on top of the flow of the academic year is a challenge for educators who are in attendance every single day . The idea of substitute teachers is a calming one , and there are thousands of them roaming around this area , and millions more across this great land of ours . The problem is that with a few exceptions , it 's like a box of Forrest Gump chocolate covered shrimp . You pretty much know what you 're going to get : chocolate covered shrimp . Which is great if that is what your lesson plans calls for , not so much otherwise . What to do ? Push the fluids , get your rest when you can , pound down those antihistamines and pack a pocketful of cough drops with the idea that you can make it one more day . Friday is coming , and then you can hold still for a couple days while your immune system plays catch up . Meanwhile , the treadmill of education continues to run under your feet and the district benchmark or the oratorical fest looms on the horizon . Will I be ready ? Will the kids be ready ? So I blow my nose and get ready to face the day , knowing that there are teachers who have figured out how to balance their mental health days with their sense of responsibility . I know that those teachers in Detroit are not actually sick , but participating in a work action , or non - work action , in order to bring attention to the deplorable conditions of schools there . They are sick , in a metaphorical sense : sick of working in overcrowded , rundown classrooms . My classroom is pretty nice . Some days it gets a little crowded when we get extra students . We get extra students because teachers call in sick and they can 't get a substitute . Going to work or watching daytime TV ? I 'll dose myself up and give it the old elementary school try . It 's what I do . I say this a lot , and I thank Shel Silverstein each time I do : " Some kind of help is what helping 's all about , and some kind of help is the kind we can all do without . " These were the words that went through my head when I heard that Sarah Palin was doing Donald Trump the favor of endorsing him in his run for president . " Are you ready to make that rock the cradle . You all make the world go round and now our cause is one . " It might have been Tina Fey . In that kinda change - y , sorta folksy , pretty rambly kinda way that former governor , former vice presidential candidate , former sportscaster , former beauty queen Sarah Palin has , she whooped the Iowa crowd into a tumultuous frenzy . Or at least she got herself pretty charged up . " When asked why I would up and chewed up and spit out . ' " It should be noted at this point that his royal Donaldness did not flinch . He waited for the Maverick to bring it home . " Now , finally friends , I want you to try to picture this . It 's a A lot , indeed . I would like to believe that the appearance of everyone 's favorite straight shooter from Alaska would sound the death knell to the Trumpocracy . So far I have been terribly wrong . It 's Bizarro World politics where everything you know is wrong . Hopey changey bad . Greek columns bad . Trump Tower good ! Meanwhile , across the frozen tundra comes a cry : Sarah Palin 's son Track has been arrested on domestic violence charges . Apparently , the young Palin was intoxicated and carrying a firearm at the time . Where was this boy 's mother ? " You can see the stars and still not see the light . " That 's what the man said . Or sang . He probably said it out loud at least a couple of times just to get the feel of it . Glenn Frey , that is . He died over the long weekend . His was a voice I grew up with . Other than my own , that is . I learned that nasal twang and careful harmonies with his partner in crime , Don Henley . I liked to turn those records up loud and sing along . I was no match for that plaintive Henley wail , but something about Glenn 's voice made me believe that I could fly like an Eagle , or sing like one under carefully monitored conditions . Now that voice is gone . For the record , he didn 't make it as far down that road as David Bowie . Or Alan Rickman . Alan passed just days after Bowie , and as a result was not necessarily afforded the attention that he might otherwise have garnered . Alan was , I believe , responsible for Bruce Willis ' rise from the small screen to the big . To be a great action hero , you have to go head - to - head with somebody really bad . Hans Gruber was really bad . Exceptional , in fact . To quote Hans , " I am an exceptional thief , Mrs . McClane . And since I 'm moving up to kidnapping , you should be more polite . " My wife wondered if Mister Rickman had ever played a hero , and I said , " Of course : Severus Snape . " And these were two more lights that went out . Lights in my firmament . Why would I care more about these characters than any others ? Why don 't I write about all the less luminary who pass on ? It 's a way to keep track , like rings on a tree . The wider rings show years of growth and the skinny ones let us know when there was a drought . This year hasn 't been so much of a drought , but a downpour . Stars keep falling from the sky . Why does it matter ? Because these were the lights that shone the way for me . Some more than others . I will not be writing a tribute to Lawrence Phillips here in this blog . Though he had a moment of brilliance on the gridiron , he never connected with my world . Could be a Nebraska thing . Could be that killing yourself in prison doesn 't get you to the front of my list . But he lived a life and for some , he stomped on the Terra . But not like Alan " Cancel Christmas ! " Rickman . Or Glenn " Take It Easy " Frey . It is because of the Eagles ' guitarist that I have made a point not once but twice in my life of standing on a corner of Winslow , Arizona . There won 't be any more of that kind of fun coming out of those jars anytime soon . Alas . Aloha , Alan and Glenn . In your own inimitable ways , you stomped on the Terra . Posted by I don 't understand . I really don 't . There is a significant portion of American citizens who are afraid . Not of heights or public speaking . Not spiders or snakes . They are afraid of their own government . That same creaky wagon full of suits and ties that can 't get come together long enough to do much more than argue with one another until it 's time to head out on the campaign trail to beg for the opportunity return to arguing with one another . That government . It makes sense that we should all be frustrated by the dysfunctional mass of bureaucracy , but fear ? These are the people who are going to take our guns away ? I 'm not convinced . I 'll believe it when they can decide to get rid of pennies . What does all this fear generate ? Stuff like this : Senator Marco Rubio , a Republican from Florida who is currently part of a cabal who would like to be the second member of their party to occupy the White House this century , bought a gun . On Christmas Eve . It was a gift , not for a constituent , or a friend . It was for himself . And his family . Marco Rubio bought a gun , he says , to protect him and his family from terrorists . " I have Millions of Americans he says . Millions of Americans who do not have access to Secret Service protection . Of course , it should be noted that Senator Rubio does not currently enjoy this protection . He will only receive that kind of attention if he remains a " major candidate " within one hundred twenty days of the election . In the meantime , that good guy with a gun theory will be tested as he navigates the mean streets of Iowa and beyond . And all the while , he will have to live with the knowledge that people like Hillary Clinton already has an armed detail surrounding her at all times . And so does Donald Trump . Makes you wonder just exactly what Marco wants that gun for . Maybe it 's dare . Maybe someone will dumb enough to try and take that gun away . Maybe that someone will be Donald Trump . Posted by For Christmas , my wife did me the sweet and embarrassing honor of giving me my collected works in a bound volume . Not my entire ouvre , but a year 's worth of the blogs not unlike the one you are reading right now . The major difference being that the gift my wife gave me had a cover and pages and weight . This thing that I sit in front of once a day and type until my point is made or the end of my patience is reached doesn 't have any of that . There is a beginning , which is what you are currently reading . There is a middle , which is about to start , and you 'll have to forgive me for being all post - modern on you all , but this idea of having a book made of the things I write is generally confounding to me . I have made books in the past . In fourth grade , I generated a series of children 's books . Written by children ( me ) , for children ( the kids in my class ) , it never occurred to me that there was some other way to express oneself . The painful insecurities I felt as a round kid with glasses were not felt as writer and illustrator . The world of my imagination was one I could control . The misfit characters I chose to star in my stories always ended up proving themselves in the end , and they lived happily ever after . By the time I was in junior high , this wasn 't the case . The young men and women who appeared in the fiction I wrote led bleak lives of quiet desperation . These were stories of suffering that I chose not to share with anyone . Many of them were written on the manual typewriter on which I was also writing my homework . These stories piled up in a desk drawer and were eventually lost to the ages . Somewhere in there , I did manage a great burst of self - revelation / navel - gazing in ninth grade which I shamelessly referred to as " The Great American Novel . " I passed that one around to a select group of friends in hopes of gaining connection or sympathy or attention that I didn 't feel I was getting by being the round kid with glasses in ninth grade . In spite of the grandiose title , even that attempt at volume was nothing longer than Stephen King 's grocery list . I was committed to the short story , and a new electric typewriter helped me churn those out with greater alacrity . That and the steady stream of depressing poetry that seemed to pour out of me was carefully filed away after my English teachers had a chance to reflect on them . It would be several more years before the select few of these would be archived on a floppy disk , transcribed by yours truly in a flurry of self - preservation that eventually became my first attempt at publication in anything outside of my circle of friends . I have always found a receptive audience in my family , and friends , but the idea of burdening someone with a book of words that were jammed together with some larger collective meaning or heft stopped being on my list of intents about the time I graduated from college . The dreams of being a published author harken back to the day I got a literary magazine to publish a few of my dark rhymes . It should be noted that the next time I was published was when my wife entered an essay I wrote in a competition about Home . Then came this blog , where I stack up a page a day , and it was that same lady who first took it upon herself to gather together from all the disparate thoughts and musings my stories about being a teacher . Ten years ago , that made quite the pamphlet . And now , as we close in on the end of this entry , I have a phone book of all my blogthought for a year . It 's not like the Manhattan White Pages , more like the one I remember from my hometown . It 's a lot of words . All in one place . And while I can 't lay particular claim on any of them as mine , I can take pride in the fact that I chose the order in which they were arranged . A book . Mine . Being a teacher can be very rewarding . It can also be very stressful . Which is part of the reason I add to the list of perks on my job the opportunity to hang around with a group of children . All day long . Yes , I can also just as easily drop this on the " stressful " side of the equation , but the thing that keeps me coming back is the resiliency of those short people around me . When you 're old , like I am in comparison to the majority of the life forms around me , you can sometimes set an edge from which you can 't retreat . If you wake up on the wrong side of the bed , sometimes there is no getting back to center . It takes a good long while to lighten up . Kids are not that way . Their memories are not as long , and not as filled with bad days and unresolved conflicts . The grudges they hold are more of the recess - long variety . If a third grader is inconsolable at the beginning of lunch about the loss of their best friend due to some misunderstanding about jump rope or four square , chances are that before the bell rings everyone will be friends again by the time they walk inside . This is also true for those moments when a student doesn 't see eye to eye with me . Part of being a grown up is telling kids " no . " I have been hated for that . For hours at a time . But somehow , by the end of the day when they are all trooping out , that crabby face that had been cursing my very existence is suddenly full of smiles once again : " Bye , Mister Caven ! See you tomorrow ! " The amazing elasticity of moods is fascinating to me . I might still be grumbling and moaning all the way home , through dinner and through the night until I found myself back on that wrong side of the bed the next morning . Ah , the persistence of memory . For the most part , kids can shrug it off . That 's probably why it took a group of first graders to help out Minnesota Vikings ' kicker , Blair Walsh . Blair missed an easy field goal in the last seconds of his team 's game against the Seattle Seahawks . It doesn 't take much for me to label the attempt " easy , " since I was safe and warm watching on television , having never before attempted a field goal of any distance , let alone one in subzero temperatures in a contest that would advance my team to the next level of the playoffs . Or send them home . Vikings fans were probably even less charitable . felt embarrassed . You can still help the Vikings win the Super Bowl next year . " We 've all made a mistake doing a cartwheel . It 's going to be okay . Posted by I respond to a lot of ridiculous levels of shame . I feel bad when I think about that telemarketer sitting in a cubicle , hoping that just one person will pick up the phone when they see that number on caller ID that doesn 't look familiar . I answer some of those calls because I don 't want the poor stiff at the other end of the line to feel as though their efforts were a complete waste of time and energy . That 's how they 're putting frozen pizza on the table , after all . I am also completely susceptible to dental guilt . When I hear the hygienist tsking behind her plastic face shield as she scrapes and probes , stopping every so often to make a note , I sink a little deeper in my seat . I know that I brush and floss twice a day , and that I have become ever more conscious of those between - meal snacks , but it can 't protect me from the heightened expectations of that prone position , hoisted on my own tartar . There is another wave of disgrace comes pounding through this time of year when the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announce their annual list of movies that everyone should have seen by now . It used to be easier when there were only five . As an avid moviegoer , I could usually count on having at least three in the bag before the nominations were announced , and the month before the actual ceremony could be used to fill in the one or two prestige films that had somehow escaped my net . This year there are eight . I can console myself a little with the fact that the rules allow there to be ten movies in the running . Maybe one of those that missed the cut could have been Star Wars . And the latest James Bond . Or the most recent Fast and Furious installment . Then I would be sitting pretty . Instead , I 'm sitting squarely on my three , wishing that all that Rocky love could have splashed off Sylvester Stallone and onto the movie he was in . Or that the Pixar folks could have managed a deserved move from the animated film slums to the penthouse located at the end of the show . Which elicits a sub - group of the grief I give myself . I used to see all those animated films . I don 't have a ten year old at home anymore . I don 't drag myself out to see the best in anime or animation that wasn 't created just over the hill in Emeryville . Shame , shame , shame . I 've got a month and a half to try and bag those five movies that have so far eluded my grasp . For my own humility , I will refrain to name them here , but I intend to study up and at least watch the trailers for the ones I can 't track down at the local superfaplex . I don 't know if faking it will eventually bring me greater shame , but then I can focus on the guilt I will feel for pretending to know what I 'm talking about , which is a nearly constant condition for me . Or maybe I can simply console myself with the knowledge that I conscientiously avoided all five Razzie nominated worst pictures of the year . Sweet relief . Posted by I didn 't donate to our company 's " Lotto Day " way back when I managed a warehouse . I let everyone else who had a loose dollar or two line up at the shipping manager 's desk to get their name put on a list that would be used the following Monday to divide up the millions of dollars in winnings that would fall into their collective laps . The list , sadly , was never put to that use . Mostly it was used to remind those who had previously donated to what my father so lovingly referred to as " The Idiot Tax " that it was time to pony up once again to take a chance on that one big windfall . Week after week , month after month , it went on . And on . " Don 't forget : today is a Lotto Day ! " came the announcement of the PA . Those who had already had their break took an extra one just to be sure that the didn 't miss out on that one chance in a million . I didn 't let it worry me much . Mostly because beating the kind of odds that are in place for mega jackpots help to define the abstract realms of probability . Chances of being attacked by a shark are approximately one in one eleven million . Chances of being struck by lightning are considerably less : one in seven hundred thousand . Odds of winning the big Powerball jackpot ? One in two hundred ninety - two million . You could get bit by a dozen sharks while being zapped from above and still have room in the luck department to win a buck or two . It 's not very likely . At all . Still , we plug away , imagining ways to spend the money that we haven 't won . I figured there were a lot of folks in Oakland who were hoping to get a slice of that billion dollar pie so they could buy the Raiders a new stadium . Or maybe they could buy themselves a little country somewhere that could run its own regular cash giveaway . I figured that if any local municipality wanted to fund a thousand dollars a week to spend on Powerball tickets , at the end of the year they would have spent fifty - two thousand dollars at a chance to win a billion . Give or take . That sounds like the kind of government program I could get behind . Or maybe I could buy the world a Coke . Or maybe I could see about getting the Beatles catalog back from Sony . It 's fun to spend a wad of money that no one can really imagine having . A twenty - four hour news cycle is hard to fill . Each day we are treated to squirrels on water skis and massive fails of one sort or another in order to get " news " into all the cracks . Myself , I find it hard some mornings to stitch together meaning to put down here in order to meet my daily word count . I could delve further into our debt to China or the work that is being done to save indigenous species on continents other than ours , but that would involve a level of concern and research that might push me out of my comfort zone . And that brings me to Lord J . Trumpington III . Donald . The internal filibusting machine . That who no one could ever agree with long since you never know what surly invective will come roaring out of his face . It seems as though the longer he stays at this whole Presidential thing , the worse it becomes . Let 's take a step back to the beginning of the week , when his gaze landed on Wild Card Weekend . Donald Trump took this opportunity to announce , " Football has become soft like our country has become soft . " This was not his belated weighing in on last year 's Deflategate , though that would have been a decent metaphorical way to go . Instead , he took this opportunity to point out how things aren 't like they used to be , with ferocious tackles and forearm shivers that led to players being scraped off the field and carted off in a war of attrition that defined a rougher , tougher , America . Back then , it was a country that wasn 't afraid of getting punched in the face , and if there was a decapitation , it certainly would not have resulted in a fifteen yard penalty . " The referees , they all throw flags , " the Trumpster moaned . The one - time owner of a professional football team seemed mystified by the NFL 's need to protect its most valuable commodity : its players . After decades of chewing players up and spitting them out with brain damage , the NFL has finally taken some vague steps toward limiting the carnage . Wussies . And while we are on the subject of things without Lord Trumpenstein could do , there 's the Environmental Protection agency and education . They don 't tend to throw flags as much as they get in the way of money that could be going anywhere else . The celebrity businessman promised " tremendous cutting " if he were to be allowed the privilege of his presidency . Not for the estimated eighty billion dollars his immigration proposals would cost over five years , Or for the fifteen billion dollar wall between the United States and Mexico with the additional seven hundred million dollars annual maintenance on such an edifice . Why would Donnie Trumpski make such a push for cutting the EPA and education ? Because it is the thing that drives the twenty - four hour news cycle . His mouth could power large communities with its ferocious bite . It just keeps churning and churning . Somewhere , in a place where the satellite news never quite reaches , there are people making calm decisions and declarations about what will happen in the next four years . But that 's not how Trumplestilskin works . His hair can be seen from space . He won 't go quietly . Most of the time , when a flyer lands at my house , it goes into the recycling bin . Whether it 's a menu for the new Chinese restaurant down the block , or exciting offers on home repair from a local contractor looking to drum up some new business , into the recycling bin . These are unsolicited advances from folks who want to get my attention . It 's advertising . How would I know that I wanted lemon chicken or a new roof unless somebody was out there stuffing my mailbox with reminders ? It may have had more to do with the mood that I was in than the actual content of the folded paper I pulled from my mailbox . It announced a sales event at our local Hyundai dealer , and I was encouraged by the flurry of bold type across the front and back to peel back the tabs inside to see what prize I may already have won . At at time when two dollars could have purchased me a chance to win nine hundred million , it seemed like pulling back a few inches of cardboard to see if I had won a new car was a cost I could afford . As I peeled each section back , I heard the voice in my head that said there is no such thing as a free lunch let alone a free car . Then I stopped . The yellow underneath the tab I had just pulled was broken up by red ink . Red ink theat read " winner . " I had matched the numbers and torn the paper , now all that was left was for me to call the prize verification number on the back to see if I really was a winner . The winner of a forty inch Toshiba TV . How could this be ? The numbers matched , and lined up perfectly with the TV , not the car , but very emphatically not the Wal - Mart gift card either . I presented the evidence to my wife . " Honey , can we drive down to our local Hyundai dealer to pick up our new TV ? " It was a Friday night , and it didn 't take much convincing to get her up off the couch and out into the night full of possibility . On the drive downtown , we talked about all the ways that this could be a scam . But wouldn 't it be nice to pull up and open up the hatchback just long enough to slide our gift of a TV into the back and drive away ? Or maybe we would have to sit through a sales pitch or take a test drive to qualify , but my wife and I both looked the thing over , up and down , and the fine print insisted that there was no purchase nec osessary . No purchase was required , that was what Walter assured us . Then he went on to point out how even though the numbers we had matched on our game board were located directly across from the picture of the forty inch television , there was no definitive connection between those numbers and the prizes listed . Walter , who made his living traveling from one dealership closing to another , was quick to point out the little trick that had brought us in . Yes , he assured us , we were winners . It was probably most likely that we weren 't going to win the TV . The good news was we weren 't stuck with the Wal Mart gift card . They were giving out Target gift cards instead . As long as we were there , and we had nothing else to do , we decided to take that test drive . We drove a hybrid Sonata up into the hills of Oakland . We tested the stereo , and found E Street Radio . Satellite radio . Nice . Everything else , however , just felt like driving somebody else 's car . Somebody else 's new car , but not ours . We traded their keys for our Target gift card . Five dollars off our next purchase at our local discount retailer . Which is where we headed after our flirtation with winning . Five dollars off a forty inch TV ? Nope . Five dollars off new work pants for me and a bunch of Star Wars novelty foods we decided to mail to our son in a care package . Who 's the winner here ? The guy getting the Yoda mac and cheese . As my frontier lineage has trained me , I wandered into our back yard to survey the land . Hands on hips , looking into the morning sun , squinting to see what God hath wrought . The rains have been coming in steadily over the past month . Not enough to relieve four years of California drought , but enough to return our little acre . What amounts to our lawn was green and lush . If you didn 't look too close , you might mistake the mass of tangled weeds for grass . It looked like spring down there . The trees told a different story . They said it was winter , with a prodigious lack of leaves to mark the season . I looked up the hill at what used to be our apple tree . Our orchard . The place from whence all our applesauce once came . Our apple pies . Our afternoon fruit snacks . It was now just a snag , a sliver of its former self . The limbs had been trimmed months ago , once the tree had been declared oflficially dead . It was not a decision made lightly , since our family had grown used to the autumn harvest and the variety of apple - related treats it would provide . But that 's where we left things , and this past September there was no harvest . Only a snaggly shadow of the giving tree that had given its all . Now I was standing next to it , sizing it up . Without its lofty branches , what was left barely came up to my eye level . I leaned on it . It moved easily in the moist soil . I pushed just a little harder and heard a muffled pop . From down below , the rotted roots simply gave way and it toppled to the ground . Now all that was left of our apple tree was a shallow hole in the ground and some lumber . I went inside to confess my sin to the lady of the house . She was forgiving , but wanted to witness the end . There wasn 't much to see . Just years and years of memories . Shade and climbing and sour bites and leaves rustling in the wind . It was the first tree our son climbed . It would be a whole lot easier now . I went to the garage and brought out the saw . Rot and drought made my job an easy one . There were now two big chunks of apple tree to toss into our compost dumpster . At the end of the week , it would be rolled to the curb . Eventually , mulch would be made of our tree . Eventually , bits of it would be spread about the city in its new , less organized form . Entrop - tree . It took me several more attempts to make this leap : Somewhere , in the middle of the night , David Bowie had died from cancer . I was finding out about it because there was an Internet device next to our bed . I was sad to hear this . I was shocked , since the last news I had about David Bowie was that he had a new album coming out . That album , " Blackstar , " was released on his birthday , January 8 . He shared a birthday with Elvis Presley . And Stephen Hawking . This little fact may have more to do with the person Bowie was than anything else on his Wikipedia page . The man with the theory of everything rock and roll . The man who sold the world . The man who fell to earth . Or maybe he wasn 't a man at all . Back in the early seventies , Bowie told a number of different publications that he was gay . At the time , this was viewed as one more reason to consider him " out there " and avant garde . Ziggy Stardust was a Martian . Aladdin Sane . The Thin White Duke . Who was David Bowie ? He was David Jones , but in order to keep from being confused with a member of a band that was largely made up , he made up his own persona to take out into the world and show us all what it was like on other planets . He also showed us life here on our planet . A lot of people believe it was Ronald Reagan who got the Berlin Wall to come down . I know different . It was David Bowie . He could beat them , just for one day . He could steal time , just for one day . David was an artist and a chameleon long before there was a Madonna or a Gaga . He put us all on and wore us out . Who cares if his records didn 't sell ? He helped bring us Lou Reed . And Iggy Pop . And DEVO . He had an eye for the eccentric , off center , off kilter . As long as you could dance to it . And he did . Even when he was just walking into the room , he could dance . He could sing with Bing Crosby . It was David Bowie 's sound and vision that changed the way we all looked at rock and roll . And theater . And movies . Art . David Bowie was an artist . And he didn 't so much stomp on the Terra as glide effortlessly above it . He will be missed . Aloha , Major Tom . Posted by The Beatles won 't go away . Try as we might , we can 't forget them . Their music continues to find its way into the ever - increasing flood of pop music , mixing and twisting and turning and then finding its way to the top . Consider the event that was made of the Fab Four 's catalog being made available to streaming services over Christmas this year . It wasn 't an also mentioned article in Rolling Stone , but a featured piece in the Wall Street Journal . You can now listen to " She Loves You " on your iPhone . Not that you couldn 't before , but you had to buy the song from iTunes and then store it on your mobile device to be able to hear all those songs from fifty years ago . I have the same whiny gripe with the Beatles that I do with Star Wars . I bought the original trilogy on VHS when they first became available . Then there was the re - managed vision that had Han shooting second and other digital enhancements . I bought those too . When my wife and I were given a Laserdisc player for a wedding present , I purchased another round of Skywalker . Then came the prequels , and my son 's fascination with all things Clone . We have a six pack of DVDs that tell the story of Anakin and his troubles growing up on the dark side . Over the holidays , as we waited in line to see the awakening of the Force , there was renewed discussion about getting the whole batch on Blu - Ray . This is when I noticed the sign in our local Best Buy suggesting that we reserve our digital copy of Star Wars 7 today . Why bother having another disc ? Just pay for the right to push a button and have all that galactic fun come pouring into our living room or laptop or phone . Here it comes : the future . The future where I find myself wondering why I would care that the Beatles ' catalog is now available for that same cloud - based experience ? My brother gave me my first Beatles record when he was buying a replacement for the one he had all but worn out : the one he was giving me . That didn 't matter . All those crackles and pops became as recognizable as the harmonies and the guitar licks . Eventually I amassed my own library of the lads ' albums . I lugged them from home to dorm to apartment after apartment , eventually landing in California along with the rest of the vinyl I had brought along . By that time , I had begun to replace those LPs with CDs . Compact though these discs were , they still took up a great deal of space on shelves and later drawers of our fancy filing system . It was real estate . The twelve studio albums don 't exactly compare to artists whose careers extended on and on into the seventies , eighties , and beyond . I have some of those , too . Only now , I don 't need to . I could just push that button and have streaming Beatles . No more lugging around crates of vinyls or drawers full of CDs . I don 't even have to give up hard drive space on my computer to store the collective works of John , Paul , George and Ringo . They 're out there . Somewhere . In a fluorescent rainbow cloud . Everywhere . Which brings me back to that Wall Street Journal article . This wasn 't music news . It was business . One of the hallmarks of Beatlemania has always been the way they have managed their music and careers . From Brian Epstein to Apple Corps to Michael Jackson to Sony , the way this sacred music has moved from their minds to your speakers has always been an art unto itself . Mick Jagger only wishes he had that kind of impact with a dozen of their studio releases . The Who , or " Who 's Left , " are going on tour this spring to celebrate their fiftieth year as a band to remind us of how great they always have been . The Beatles ? You just have to push the button . It started with a segment on The Daily Show , with correspondent Jordan Klepper offering up some supplies requested by the Oregon Militia . After watching , my wife and I wondered why they didn 't take the joke just a little bit farther . Why not go ahead and post the address for everyone who has some supplies to send these patriots on the screen ? From their web site : " Ammunition ( caliber , . 223 , 9mm , . 40 , 12g , ) , My wife and I were wondering if they would turn away ANY equipment or supplies . We have a wireless router that has stopped working as a wireless router , but seems to work just fine if you plug into it , as long as they are sitting up there in the tundra waiting for their standoff with authorities , maybe they could spend some time getting it to work . That way , they could keep up with their email and their Facebook profiles , like all good militia men do . And that gift card thing . Can angry anti - government patriots really be choosers ? For example : If you had an extra $ 3 . 99 on your Bed , Bath and Beyond gift card that you used to buy yourself that duvet cover , you could send along the balance to those folks up in Oregon . If you got that bottle of foaming bath gel in the bottle shaped like a snowman and you 're not sure it 's going to fit in with your new duvet cover - inspired decor , why not send it along to our brave militia men ? Maybe you 've already got a bayberry scented candle that looks like a pine tree . You know that those courageous patriots still need a cheery light to warm their dark nights . You know where you can send them . General MailJon Ritzheimer or Blaine CooperBurns , OR 97720 That idea of a " Perfect Storm ? " Well , it 's kind of a misnomer . The notion that a bunch of circumstances that pile up on one another can end up getting George Clooney and Mark Wahlberg killed . I 'm pretty sure that cooler heads would have determined this a " surefire dead heartthrob storm " upon further analysis . Because that 's what these situations generally call for : further analysis . Take for example my most recent bout with kidney stones . Though it seemed to have crept up on me from out of nowhere , I looked back over the past few weeks and did some further analysis . The first thing that occurred to me was that one of the major contributors to my somewhat chronic condition as victim of the periodic but dreaded kidney stone is soda . Pop . I had been making great , drastic strides in ridding myself from the demon Coke when my son showed up over his Christmas break . We went out to a bunch of movies . All of these required a large Coke . Or two . We also went out to get a cheeseburger or two . Or three . Not all at once , but each visit to those various cheeseburger dispensaries provided me with the chance to get yet another large Coke . And refills . That 's something that these newfangled Coke - squirting machines allow us to do : Walk right up , just before heading out on the town with a great big stomach full of meat and cheese , and get yourself a top - off on that twenty ounce tub of cola that had only recently been drained the first time . Don 't leave for home without it . I didn 't . I had a lot of Coke over a two week span . It eventually did that thing that massive amounts of Cola does to a person with my particular condition : it left deposits of phosphoric acid . Add to that an increased workout schedule , with all that free time I spent waiting around for my son to wake up so we could go to movies and get cheeseburgers . I didn 't hydrate the way I should . That dark cloud you see on the horizon is that Perfect Storm forming . My son packed up his car this past Sunday at noon , and by one o ' clock , I had begun to feel a stabbing , burning sensation just over my left hip . He was gone , but I had this wonderful memory of all the fun we had . And Coke . The fact that I could tell the doctors and nurses to whom I got to speak to over the next couple days this rather point - to - point cause and effect tale of abuse only made the pain a little more embarrassing . Yes , I avoided the emergency room , but since I only had myself to blame , I could only shake my head . And blame Coke . I won 't say that I am going to go cold turkey on Coca - Cola . It is one of my few remaining vices , and while I audition new vices that are perhaps more friendly to my kidneys , I will look back with fondness and an appropriate amount of shame on the way I went out to the garage , found a good sized sturdy box , emptied just the right amount of gunpowder inside , and placed myself carefully upon it before I lit the match . Coke was my own petard . Boom . So I have a souvenir from all that fun and frolic , and a couple of days ' bed rest to recover from it . Outside , the rain came down . The perfect storm . Common Sense Gun Control . That 's what we are talking about here . What about background checks for anyone who wants to buy a gun ? I know the idea of background checks makes some people nervous . Or worse . It 's just the first step in a campaign to take all our guns away . Standing here in the crowd , without a gun of my own , I don 't feel that fear . Standing here in the crowd without a gun , I feel a sense of relief . Knowing that the President of the United States would like us all to know more about who can and cannot own guns . That 's what background checks will do : give us all a little more knowledge about the people who want to own guns . Immediately following this suggestion will be the surrender to all the bad guys and idjits who get guns without following the rules . This is , in part , why they are bad guys and idjits . You don 't get to be a bad guy or an idjit by following the rules , right ? There are licensed and unlicensed gun dealers . Sixty percent of the nation 's gun sales are done through licensed gun dealers . That 's what statistics tell us . It does not take into account those guns that were lost or stolen or given away . Or borrowed . Why bother going ahead and making more rules for people not to follow ? Those guys are idjits . What if there were some rules that kept just one of those bad guys from getting a gun ? If I were a gun owner , I would be proud to be associated with a group of upstanding individuals who would like to separate themselves from the bad guys and the idjits . How does that happen ? I 'm not guessing that making sure everyone has a chance to own a gun will do that . The right to bear arms is just as secure as the right to free speech . With great power , comes great responsibility . I don 't think that counts just for Spider Sense . As I mentioned earlier , I don 't own a gun . This may explain why , when my son was very young and walking to school , he did a very responsible thing . He saw a gun laying on the ground under some bushes . He remembered what he had been taught at home and at school , and he did not pick it up . He found the nearest grown up and told them what he had seen . The grown ups took care of it , and everyone was safe . He wasn 't much older than the kids who died at Sandy Hook Elementary . He is now just a little older than Zaevion Dobson , who died shielding his friends from gunfire just before Christmas . Zaevion was using his common sense , his great power . Do I know that a background check would have stopped any of those shots from being fired ? I do not . It was definitely another time , another world . That was a time when you could find foot long plastic darts with weighted steel tips . For Kids . My brothers and I were some of those kids . We were also allowed to have a bow and arrows . Not the suction cup type arrows either . Real steel tipped instruments of death . And there were fireworks and a great many other potentially bad decisions and questionable practices by both parents and kids . The most important thing : we all walked away . Some bumps and bruises , a few singed eyebrows , but we all walked away . We rode our bicycles without helmets . We rode them to the 7 - 11 without bike lanes . I had a steering wheel on my Stingray for a while . On my trial run up the street , I turned a little too abruptly and found my face merged with that street . Bloody nose . Some scrapes . A note to myself about turning too abruptly with a steering wheel on my Stingray . This did not stop me from riding my Stingray with a steering wheel . I 'm not sure if a helmet would have saved me , but bike helmets were not really an option . Bicycles with handlebars would probably have been a safer alternative for the kids on our street . It probably also would have been a safer alternative to not drag a group of six or eight kids on sleds behind our family station wagon . That alternative would be not dragging a group of six to eight kids on sleds behind our family station wagon . But we did . My father did . I am relatively certain that this activity was dreamed up or at least decided upon by my father , just like the lawn darts and the bow and arrows . Or maybe it was just another time and another place . Like when we took that basic principle of a vehicle pulling kids on a sled and extrapolated it to the more extreme : a tractor pulling a car hood with six to eight kids stacked on it like cord wood . What could go wrong ? Don 't answer . The reality of those times was different . The reality of these times ? A fifteen year old Michigan boy died when the sled he was on crashed into a tree . The sled that was being pulled by the family SUV . The family SUV that was driven by his older brother . He didn 't walk away . He died . And now maybe I know why they don 't sell lawn darts anymore . It 's hard for many of us to decipher the full meaning of written words . Consider , if you will , the number of different inflections and tones that could be taken with that last sentence . Depending on which word you might lean on for emphasis , you might take this as friendly advice or sarcastic intrusion . Either way , my point is clear : until you start sneaking in those always important and necessary emoticons , there is no way to sure what someone means , especially in a world that only has enough time to read one hundred forty characters . I am currently addressing the hole that Carly Fiorina has dug for herself on Twitter . " Love my alma mater , " Ms . Fiorina tweeted , " but rooting for a Hawkeyes win today . " That was what she chose to type , without a smiley face it should be noted , last Friday just before Stanford took the field to take on Iowa in the Rose Bowl . To be clear : Carly Fiorina graduated from Stanford back in 1976 . She returned in 2001 to deliver the commencement address . Up until January 1 , 2016 , we would have all assumed that Ms . Fiorina was a member in good standing with the alumni association and keeps her credentials close on her very own cardinal and white lanyard . Maybe it was just a goof on her part . Or maybe it had something to do with the upcoming presidential primary in Iowa . The Iowas presidential primary that is set one month from the date of Carly 's tweet . The presidential primary that finds her tied in the polls with Chris Christie . That 's the good news . The more unfortunate news would be that leaves her tied for eighth place . So why not make a quick cast upon the sea of college football fans who may have been sitting at home on New Year 's Day , preparing their chips and dip before the big game ? " Hey , looks like maybe this Fiorina lady may just have what it takes . " Unless you 're looking for loyalty and integrity . Unless the Tweet in question turned out to be " tongue in cheek , for heaven 's sake . " At least that 's what she maintained in an appearance on CNN 's " State of the Union " two days after Stanford mopped up the field with those feisty Hawkeyes . I understand completely how something like this could happen . It would never occur to any of us that it was a simple pandering for votes . Go ahead and insert the appropriate roll of eyes and / or emoticon here . The Desert Inn has heart . Or at least that is what Albert Brooks hopes to promote when he goes to the casino manager 's office in " Lost In America " after his wife , played by Julie Hagerty , loses their nest egg at the roulette wheel . Albert patiently explains how he and his wife are dropping out of society , but first they stopped in Las Vegas to get one last massive jolt of society in Sin City . He did not plan on his wife losing his life savings . So he decides to go and get it back . If you haven 't seen the movie , I won 't burden you with the outcome . I will , however , burden you with the challenge of going out and seeing this comic gem . After you have seen it , as I have several times , you will understand why I thought of this moment when I heard that the New York Attorney General , Eric Schneiderman is filing a lawsuit against FanDuel and DraftKings . Mister Schneiderman would like for all those citizens in his state who lost money playing daily fantasy sports with either of these web sites to get their money back . The basis of his argument is that what these two companies have been offering to their somewhat naive customer base is illegal gambling and not the " game of skill " they are promoting . Or were promoting more widely until all of this legal trouble began . When the football season began , you couldn 't watch more than a quarter without being reminded of the easy money to be made on the daily fantasy racket . Did I just say " racket ? " That sounds a little pejorative , but then again , I never studied law . I did , however , lose a lot of money on stupid bets back when I was a kid . " A lot " would be defined by " lunch money " back then , but it was still significant to me . I learned that if I wanted lunch , it was probably best not to bet on the outcome of events over which I had no control . This was only after a period of time in which I believed that I could get twice as much lunch if I just got lucky . I never bothered taking my case to the Attorney General , let alone my teachers or mother and father . They would have laughed that laugh that goes along with tough lessons learned . And I would not have gotten my money back . In New York , present day , AG Schneiderman would like to get five thousand dollars in fines to every customer these guys have . With more than half a million customers , that 's a pretty good chunk of change . It might even make someone a nice little nest egg . I would only encourage the State of New York not to try that stuff at the Desert Inn . They might comp you a room or buy you breakfast , but you 're not getting your nest egg back . Someday I will look back on New Year 's Eve 2015 as the day I met Colby Smart . You say you don 't know Colby ? It could be that you haven 't spent as much time dawdling in front of Trader Joe 's on a sunny winter afternoon . To be clear , I was the one committed to the dawdling . Colby was hard at work . He had an Harmful of petitions , and he was working hard to get as many signatures as he could . Someday , I believe , Colby will be a mover and a shaker . How do I know this ? It might be as simple as that name . Is there another name that screams success more than Colby Smart ? Cheesy intelligence , right ? While a lot of guys his age were busy shopping for party supplies or hooking up their look for the night to come , he was out there on the street , looking to bring some love to those ideas and values that he carried under his arm : legislative transparency , rerouting the funds raised by selling those outlawed plastic bags , and the list went on . He had eleven of these things , and he was pleased and happy to have my wife and I stand there and scribble our names , address and zip code on every single one of them . My wife , who had been to Trader Joe 's earlier that week , was quick to point out which of the Trump 's dozen she had affixed her signature to . This did not slow Colby in the slightest . He shuffled through his raft of paper until he found the permutations of the initiatives that he felt she needed to know about . And during that transaction , I busied myself with my own flurry of penmanship practice . I did make a point of looking up at the end of each exchange to ask what I hoped were pertinent questions . I wasn 't just signing my name to be signing my name . I wanted to be part of the change that Colby was pushing . When I looked at those clear , bright eyes , I wondered how long it had been since I felt idealism like that . I could feel the thirty years between our ages in the surge of wisdom that I felt the need to share . And to his credit , Colby stood there and took it all in . The whole transaction took about fifteen minutes . When it was over , I had shared my own points about where I wanted the state and the country to land . Colby had shared his , and my wife had made a check on her smart phone for a web site that she felt he should know about . Then we were on our way again , and Colby asked the next pedestrian coming down the block , " Are you a registered voter ? " That 's the future out there . I knew him when . There are a few less people coming along with us on this ride for 2016 . Legends like Lemmy Kilmister won 't be hanging around backstage this year . Lemmy passed away last week from an " extremely aggressive " form of cancer . I 'm guessing it would have to be the nastiest form of the nastiest possible disease to bring down hard - living head - banging Lemmy . He was seventy when he passed , but the rock and roll world still couldn 't believe it . The members of Metallica and Alice Cooper paid tribute to his legacy . Dave Grohl got a tattoo in memorial . Queen 's guitarist , Brian May , wrote this : " Words don 't come easy , especially when you know Lemmy would have laughed at us all trying to say dignified things about him being a hero . Any time I attempted to say anything complimentary to Lemmy to his face , he would fix me with a kind of amused , contemptuous stare . But a kind of hero he certainly was . Unique in just about every way imaginable . " So who is this semi - major demi - god of heavy metal ? If I told you he was the bassist and lead singer for Motorhead - a band that put an umlaut on that second o just to keep us all guessing . And if you 're still not sure who this guy was , well , you are not alone . I consider myself a fan , but if someone put a gun to my head and demanded that I tell them the titles of two of that band 's songs , I would probably survive . " Overkill " and " Ace of Spades " would spare me from some worse fate , but I would be in need of a connection to Al Gore 's Internet to come up with any more . But that doesn 't mean I don 't have love in my heart for Lemmy . He is the kind of guy who would have watched " Spinal Tap " and wondered where the joke was . Not because he didn 't have a sense of humor , but because it probably seemed a little tame compared to some of his war stories . Of course , Keith Richards probably looks on with a mild bit of chagrin , as much as Ozzy Osbourne or even Sir Paul McCartney . Being a survivor in the world of rock and roll is not an easy thing , and when you consider the average age that the grim reaper tends to reach down and pluck some of those bright lights . Mostly what I can thank Lemmy for is the memory of my younger brother , full of Coca Cola and microphone tilted back over his head , screaming into the night , " Ace of Spades " on Guitar Hero . Not the definitive version , but I know when I get sad and lonely , looking for that gritty rock and roll inspiration , I 'll be listening for him , channeling Lemmy . Aloha , Lemmy . You stomped , rocked , rolled , threw up on and fell down on the Terra . Then you got back up and did it again . Posted by Three weeks was just long enough to get used to have the kid hanging around again . I did some bigger loads of laundry . It took only a few days to fill up the dishwasher . There was an extra pair of shoes under the coffee table . These sound like petty annoyances , but they were really sweet remembrances of a time not too long ago . We have had a couple of conversations , my son and I , about how part of him is looking forward to " going back home . " That home is the apartment he is sharing with five other guys , engineers who are seeking their own degree . In the meantime , they play video games , order pizza , and even study a little . Everybody 's parents wish they could manage the ratio of video games and pizza to studying , but that 's what parents want . What my son wants is still evolving . That " home " thing for one . A few months ago , there was only one for him . Now there are two . Oh , he was quick to point out that the house in which he grew up will always be where his heart is , but his stuff is someplace else . I was reminded of the way he used to take an action figure or a toy car with him everywhere he went . Now it 's his phone . His connection to his friends on Al Gore 's Internet is his constant companion . It is also the way he stays in touch with his parents . Our neighborhood is much larger now . It goes wherever the 4Gs go . We get text updates on a regular basis , and we talk a little less often . It 's nice get pictures of the places he goes and the things he sees . His mother and I are glad we know most of what goes on his life . But we don 't see it . Not like we used to . It has been nice to go places with him . It 's been nice to go places with him . It 's even been nice to pick up after him . I don 't resent the plate left out or the stray sock or two . These are the reminders of what it was like to be a full time parent . I 'm kidding myself a little there . I can here my mother chuckling at the notion . You never really stop being a full time parent . Even when your kid moves out and takes their stuff . Most of it . I left a Twinkie in my mom 's refrigerator when I left . I came back to visit it on the off chance that after twenty years it was still there and I could find out for myself if that myth about the shelf - life of Hostess treats was true . My mother is a saint . Me ? I 'm still working on it . I should probably start by checking the refrigerator . What is it we cynics say ? " Nothing changes on New Year 's Day . " Okay , so not everyone would put Bono on their list of top ten cynics . Probably not even your top one hundred . It should also be pointed out that scheduling and logistics don 't allow for much room on their calendar . Taking that old one down , the one with squirrels on it and replacing it with the one with kittens can make an imperceptible change . Just like a butterfly 's wings . How big a butterfly ? 2016 is a Leap Year . Coincidentally , or perhaps on purpose , the extra day afforded us will happen during an election year . Three hundred and sixty - six days of Donald Trump ? Well , that includes all those post - November 8 days after the ballots have been meticulously counted and / or discarded if you happen to live in Florida . Or maybe the spell that his Trumpishness has cast over a portion of the American electorate will finally be broken . I am one of those who insisted , months ago , that we would all collectively wake up from this terrible dream . I posited reality versus Herman Cain four years ago , suggesting that the New Year would find Mister Cain heading back to the board room of Godfather 's Pizza . I can only take a tiny bit of pride away from that assertion , since common sense could have pieced that one together . Somehow that extra day four years ago didn 't give the Republicans enough of a head start finding someone more electable . Sorry , Mitt . There are plenty of other reasons to flinch in anticipation of 2016 . New laws go into effect today , such as the need for vaccinations for all students entering California schools . Cheerleaders for professional sports teams need to be treated as employees under state law . If these new bits of legislation sound a little " duh , " then imagine how things used to be way back last year . Unvaccinated cheerleaders roaming around without any medical benefits ? Thank goodness we have finally restored some order to this chaos . California is not the only place where change is taking place . Kitten calendars are going up all across this great land of ours . And across the globe . Maybe by putting up a new calendar in that sand covered bunker somewhere in Syria will help those ISIS folks to lighten up a little bit . I don 't think a kitten calendar in Trump Plaza will change anything there .
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Posted on August 29 , 2012 by lifeonmygayisland Sometimes I just feel like I 'm going crazy . Today is one of those days . I feel like running away from home . I need a vacation , really . I 'd like a week away , with no phone , in a hotel room , with just me , my computer , an internet connection , and a few good books . In a city I 've never been before where nobody knows me . It actually went quite well . I only wanted to strangler her 3 times , and all three of those times were probably just because I was over reacting . Something I am known to occasionally do . I know everyone would find that hard to believe . They didn 't get ride of the wrong person . They only got rid of the problem maker . I hear she was very , very pissed when she found out she was being let go and she kind of told off the boss a little . Smart move , always . I think she never thought she would be getting in trouble over this … she just thought she could start some shit and it wouldn 't splatter on her . She was wrong . I have decided that I feel strongly enough about this that if we have to get rid of Good Employee I will start looking for another job . I will take this as a sign that it is time to move on . There are some possible difficulties in this , but I will discuss all of those later . Even though I would like to quit immediately on moral grounds , I can not afford to . And I also cannot afford to make a rash decision about my employment . But I will take this as a sign that , considering all the other legitimate problems I have with this company , it is time for me to start looking for something else . I hate to have to do that because I have finally gotten to a position , mentally , where my job is concerned that I am happy and did not have any plans on moving on any time soon . I finally got to a point where I was happy and planned on staying with this company for a very long time . I hate to see that go , but I will if this decision does not work out the way I want it to and then it should , morally . A few weeks ago I found on iTunes a podcast called The Mental Illness Happy Hour . As I was coming home from work tonight , thinking about tomorrow 's visit with my sister , I was listening to an episode of the podcast and had quite the ah - ha moment . I had an epiphany of why , exactly , I have been so angry at my sister and why I am still angry at her and afraid of her saying something about me being gay . And the real epiphany is that the one particular thing she said a long time ago , which I was very angry about because I knew was not true , might actually be true . I am still angry about that one thing and that is the reason I had in my mind that I would not give her any kind of break if she said something wrong to me . I had made the decision that if she pissed me off I was going to let her have it with both barrels , because I 'm still pissed about that one thing she said so long ago … almost 20 years ago . So when I got home I emailed the guy , Paul , who does the podcasts just to say thank you and that he helped me . I went into a tiny bit of detail about the situation but didn 't write much because it 's so late . I do want to write more to him , even if he never has a chance to read it , because , as I 've said before , writing is a form of therapy for me . ( Turns out I need it more than I thought I did . ) Posted on August 21 , 2012 by lifeonmygayisland I have a whole category on this blog for work related content . I haven 't written much about that . Since I started this blog I haven 't had much workplace bullshit to deal with , but I do have quite a few stories I could tell . I don 't know if I will ever use this blog to talk about some of that old stuff . One reason is I just don 't like to think about it because it stresses me out and I don 't like being stressed out . I certainly don 't like thinking about old history that stressed me out at the time so I can get stressed out all over again . Stress will kill you . I 'm the boss of my department , but of course I have a boss , too . One of the reasons she is there is so I can bounce things off of ( her own words ) . She is also there so I can ask questions so I don 't make a mistake . I did that today and in doing so I think I opened up a whole new can or worms . I want to scream and curse and run away now and throw up my hands and just say fuck it ! Tomorrow my boss will be paying me a visit . She knows when I clean out my office , I 'm missed and thinking about quitting . I 've done it before . This is not the first time I 've done this ; I used to do it when I worked for my last company ( which was the first company that I ever had an office to clean out ) . While I was discussing this issue on the phone with her today , after she told me about where she 's standing , I let her know her thinking is a mistake and I was pissed about it . If I stand idly by and allow her to get her way on this , which I will have no other choice but to do if I can 't talk her out of it , it will be , by far , the biggest , most egregious mistake I have ever made in my career . I feel so strongly about this that , if I had the money to life for a while without a job , I would quit over this one issue if she makes the decision I 'm thinking she might make … the decision she 's leaning toward . Since I can 't afford to quit over this , it would certainly make me thinking about finding another job . I won 't go into detail on what exactly happen to cause all this , but two people were involved , as far as my boss is concerned . In my opinion , only one employee was actually in the wrong . I was going to write up the employee who I thought was in the wrong and I sent the paperwork to my boss for review to make sure I could legally enact the particular punishment I was calling for . My boss says , because our reputation was somewhat involved , this is grounds for termination but she did not feel you could terminate one without terminating both . We have been going through a bit of a reputation crisis lately , which I am trying to fix . That , I think , is the biggest reason my boss is so upset about this particular incident because it did nothing to help that matter . Boss feels like had Good Employee not allowed this particular incident to happen Bad Employee would haven 't have been able to do what she did . My point is I am the only enforcing entity here so it was not Good Employee 's problem to stop this particular incident . I just didn 't know about it at the time so I couldn 't have stopped it . Posted on August 21 , 2012 by lifeonmygayisland You know how you have some people in your lives who are just a little more difficult to handle and deal with than others ? And some of those people just require more energy to deal with than you sometimes have . Well , that 's how I feel about my sister . And right now I just don 't feel like I have the energy to deal with her … or her teenage daughter she is brining . I 've known for almost a month , at least 3 weeks , that she was coming to town . She 's not saying with us , she is only staying overnight at a hotel and will spend the morning with us . This visit will make the second time we have seen her in 10 years . She lives across the country , has been living there for the last 5ish years , I think . We haven 't made an effort to go see her , either , because neither one of us can afford to fly out there . I 'm not sure how often she has been back to see her son , who lives about 5 hours from us . But there is some … history … between her , me , and my father . This is the main reason I haven 't dealt with her . Not to mention she 's a big Mormon and I 'm sure can 't be in love with the whole gay thing . For the past few days all I have been able to think about is the fact that she 's coming and I don 't know how this is going to go . I 'm hoping it doesn 't set off World War 3 , but I 'm also not going to keep my mouth shut if she does say something stupid . I 've been thinking about going to her Facebook page an see if she has said anything stupid about gays . If she has , that will really make me pissed going into this whole visit . If she hasn 't , well , so she hasn 't put anything on Facebook about it . I 'm still sure she feels the same . She 's a " Christian " and she hates gays . End of story . Now let 's talk about the daughter : she is just like her mother and will not shut up . Granted , I haven 't seen her since she was … crawling on the fucking floor . ( Which , I 'll just quickly add , my cat at the time did not like her . ) I have a 2000 Chevy Cavalier which I really like . I bought it back when I was going to school . The day I bought it I got fired from my job and it is the first car I bought and paid for without letting it get repossessed first . I 've never been able to make a car payment on time . This is one of the many reasons I think I 'm an absolute loser , and one of the reason that I think suicide is just a backup plan , but I will save that little gem for another day . I kept the Cavalier but bought a 2006 Sonata because I wanted something bigger and nicer . It isn 't very often - only once since I bought the car , and it was broken then so I couldn 't use it - that I travel with other people but I always like to be the driver . I 'm not often a good passenger and I think part of it is because I 'm a minor control freak . Also , I deal with a lot of business people in my line of work and I didn 't want to be seen driving a bottom of the line car . It also didn 't have AC … I had been needing to fix that for over 50 , 000 miles . ( I drive about 30 , 000 miles a year . ) So I was desperate for a car and decided to put $ 800 down on the Sonata , and take on a $ 350 a month car payment instead of spending $ 1 , 000 to get the AC fixed in my car . I could afford to put the $ 800 down that day , but couldn 't afford the additional $ 200 . I wanted AC like , yesterday , because that year it was hot as fuck ! As soon as I got into the car I liked it because it was nicer , quieter , and prettier than the Chevy . Plus , it had an AC that would blow you out of the car ! It rode really well and was comfortable . It was the only car on the lot that was only $ 800 down , so I took it . I almost didn 't try getting the car because he told me it wasn 't a buy here , pay here lot and I didn 't think I would be able to go through a bank for financing . It turns out I was approved because the finance company was just for high - risk buyers . That fact made the like the car even more because they did report to the credit agencies and I would be able to build my credit . Actually , that made the love the car . After thinking about it a little while it was the only reason I bought the car because I didn 't " love it , " but I liked it . Well , turns out the car was a piece of crap . Or it still is , I still have it but I 'm thinking I 'm going to call the finance company and tell them to pick it up . This is why … . For the last 4 months I 've been driving the Chevy again because the Sonata is messed up . Just to get it running again I need to spend at least $ 1 , 000 . And that grand doesn 't even guarantee that it will be drivable . That grand is just for the two things I know is wrong with it . On top of the fact that the Chevy isn 't running reliably , I was up shit creek ! My dad and the annoying - ass neighbor insisted they could fix the Chevy without having to take it to the shop and have it put on the diagnostic computer . In doing so , they fucked up the wiring harness which is over $ 2 , 000 to have replaced . The harness itself is $ 800 and that doesn 't include the labor to have the dash completely taken out ! Otherwise , the car is doing ok which really pisses me off because nothing is really wrong with the car . I 'm not sure it would take me across country , but considering I drive about 30 , 000 miles a year it has been doing just fine for a while . This particular neighbor is really getting on my nerves but maybe I will talk about that later . So considering everything else I need to get straight - financially - I think the best thing to do right now would be to let the Sonata go . I can always save up a better down payment and go through another high - risk finance company later when I finances are better in order . I do have quite a few important things that I need to get taken care of right now and I think I might be about to get garnished because of my student loans . That 's what I was thinking about when I wrote this post . I hate to do it because right now that car is the best thing on my credit - that is before I let it get almost 3 months behind . It 's just that my financial life is catching up with me right now and I think this is the only option . The car I just bought is only $ 200 a month and $ 2 , 500 from now I 'll have it paid off . Even though I know I 'll still have to probably pay 2 or 3 grand for the Sonata after it is resold . ( Hopefully they don 't just junk it and charge me the whole price for it ! ) I just looked dazed . I didn 't know what to do or think . " You have got to be fucking kidding " is really what I was thinking . Then she starts asking me is this really how everything was slept ? Am I sure my last name was not my mothers last name , or maiden name ? Hell know it wasn 't ! Well , I mean yes , my mother did have the same last name as me . I mean my parents were fucking married ! lady ! My parents never got a divorce ! My parents would still be married had my mom not died ! What the fuck do you mean you can 't find my birth certificate ? What in gods name am I supposed to do now ? WHAT THE FUCK ? ! ? ! ? When we got to the DMV / DDS there was a friendly , older , African - American lady working the desk and running things ! I liked her . She asked " what are you here for ? " " Um , suspended " I chocked . She was talking loud enough everyone in the room could hear us . I felt like a fucking criminal when I had to say they were suspended . But I do know this other ticket I have , I will be paying that mother - fucker on goddamn time so I don 't have to go through this bullshit again and I don 't DOUBLE the fucking cost of the ticket ! And I 'm hoping that ticket doesn 't cost $ 200 damn dollars … but there 's no telling . I should be able to call up there now and find out . They said 2 weeks but I may as well call now and get an idea . She should at least have an idea of what it will cost . because my mind as been preoccupied with the hold Driver 's License fiasco . I 'm hoping tomorrow will be much better as I have a lot of work today … especially considering I 'm planning on taking Thursday off so I can get all this crap taken care of and HOPEFULLY have my fucking driver 's license so I can drive the car I just bought . I really hope like hell the car is a good one and doesn 't cause I a lot of problems . We 'll be taking it out of town on Thursday so I certainly hope the damn thing doesn 't break down ! I could have been pulled over the other night and arrested . That 's a call I really would not have wanted to make to my dad . In fact , I almost called him to tell him he might need to come and get me because I really did think I was going to go to jail that night . I really don 't want to go to jail . I 'm not that kind of person . Today when I ran to the bank , I really was scared to drive because I knew I would most likely go to jail if I were caught in the city I work in . Maybe not , but I don 't know . And I 'm really thinking it would be worse if I get pulled over again because now I can 't fake the " oops , I forgot " thing . Speaking of , I was supposed to get a faxed confirmation that the ticket was paid today and I didn 't . Guess I 'm going to have to call about that tomorrow . As for calling my dad to tell him I needed his help getting my birth certificate , I didn 't want to make that call either . But he didn 't seem annoyed , just laughed at my strange luck as of late . I hope he doesn 't do the whole " lecture " thing when we go out of town . I 'll be stuck in the car with him all day . AND he will be driving , which I really don 't like . It 's not his driving , I just don 't like being the passenger . Maybe I can find an audio book at home and we can listen to that in the car so I don 't have to hear him talk . Not that that would stop him if he did want to give me the " get your crap together " lecture . Maybe I can distract him by playing an audio book and I can get some writing or other work done while we 're in the car . This is the most I 've written in this blog in one day but I that 's what it 's for , anyway . This is supposed to be like an online journal that I just happen to share with people . Maybe someone will find it … helpful , entertaining , whatever . Hopefully . RT @ AlecMapa : Mormons believe children of same sex couples don 't belong in church . They also believe in magic underwear , so whatevs . 1 year ago A Guy 's Moleskine NotebookBooks . Reflections . Travel . HommemakerA Life & Style Site by Orlando Soriaone true boyFashion , Advice and LifeAt War With My Mind . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Dealing with the personal hell called depressionwitheringbirdsExpressiveness . unspoken thoughts " When you wake up you will have forgotten the idea completely . " ~ Buddy Wakefielda hard and a rock placeadventures in a thousand words or less .
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Posted on March 3 , 2014 by andrajean 3 Last time I wrote ( too long ago ) we were on the verge of a six month trip to America . That is over and done and I still have a lot of mental unpacking to do . The current chunk of thought I am processing came from the Biblical story in Numbers 11 . The Israelites , sick of manna , started complaining that they wanted meat . So God promised them that they would have meat " until it comes out of your nostrils and you loathe it . " Of course they scoffed and of course God delivered because He can . So much quail flew ( or were blown ? ) in from the sea , flying so low that you could just reach up and grab one out of the air . At least that 's how I read it as a kid . Either way , lots of meat . " But while the meat was still between their teeth " they were struck with a plague and some of them died . So when they buried those people , they named the place " Kibroth Hattaavah . " Graves of craving . First of all , I 'd like to make clear that America did not come out of my nostrils . I don 't loathe it . But the rest of the story speaks so clearly to my situation that I have been pondering it continuously for the last couple of weeks . I spent a lot of time living in Europe craving certain things that America can provide . Easier grocery shopping trips . Cheaper clothes . Babysitting from grandparents . Mint Oreos . English all around me . Family . Sunnier days . The list goes on and on . The thing about me and about the Israelites is that our craving for things we thought we wanted blinded us to the miracles God was already doing . Manna ! What is that ? ! A miracle of food delivered daily ( except not on the Sabbath ) to thousands of people . The only way to not be satisfied with something so amazing is to be greedy for something else . Craving is greed . All those things I craved about America were an active dismissal of the things I already had , a glaring sign to God and those around me that I was not appreciating my daily manna , the miracles God was showering me with all the time . I 'm still trying to open my eyes to all these blessings - a testimony to how badly dissatisfaction blunted my sight . All those things I craved , I had in abundance in America . Six months of it . While no plague hit me , thankfully , I wonder if there is a spiritual plague that comes with this . When my cravings were finally gratified , they had no taste . Because I had taught myself to be dissatisfied with what I have . When we teach ourselves to complain , we will complain in any circumstances . How could I enjoy quail when I wasn 't satisfied with the miracle of manna ? Graves of craving . Craving kills satisfaction with anything . And those graves of craving became a monument to me of my foolishness . So my task now is to see the manna . To desire knowing God , not to reject Him by craving for more than what He 's given me today . To stop drooling over the thought of meat - because it won 't ever taste as good as the manna . Today 's blessings will always top any granted wish . Besides , it 's ridiculous of me to think I know what 's better for me than God does . Posted on June 3 , 2013 by andrajean 5 When I was young , and chatting up a storm at my increasingly annoyed older brother , he finally turned to me and patiently explained , " Andra , everyone gets a certain number of words to use in life . You should be careful or you 're going to run out of words before you 're grown up and then you won 't be able to talk . " That shut me up . We 'll skip all of the things we could say about this ( his genius , my gullibility , our relationship , misuse of power , etc ) . The thing is , all this time I 'd been sure he was bluffing , but now I 'm not so sure . There are days ( okay , every day ) when I feel at some point that I 've just run out of words . I 'm done talking . It is SUCH an effort to think with someone else . I think there are people who are great conversationalists and they drive the topic . It 's not exhausting for them . It 's just bad for those of us who are trying to get our thoughts in line with the leader . Am I making sense ? I 'll specify . Here 's a conversation with my little girl in the car : " Uh , yes . " [ can 't they ? I think so . Yes , I 've seen them do it in their nest . Good , got that one right . ] This went on for quite a bit . It seems simple ( and maybe even cute to those of you who don 't deal with this every five minutes of every hour of every day ) but you have to pay attention . It 's not " uh huh " over and over while your mind wanders over the next hour of grocery shopping and plans date night . It 's getting half - way through your own thought and getting pulled back ( play back what she asked really quickly , think about it , form and answer , make yourself move your lips to answer ) into the mind of a four - year old over and over . And four - year olds are particularly prone to fantasy , which makes it even harder to get matched up with their line of thought . Then when my husband comes home , I 've got to switch gears to adult - style ( which is the difference between riding a purple turtle through a lake of strawberry frosting to a castle on the shore and riding a nice Sedan through the streets of a city - not an easy transition ) . The poor man gets a few coherent sentences of conversation out of me and then my words run out . Just like my brother said they would . Posted on May 3 , 2013 by andrajean Reply I 've been reading the story of Mary and Martha a lot lately . ( Luke 10 : 38 - 42 ) It keeps coming up somehow . That 's too vague . What I mean is that God keeps bringing it up . Because I am totally Martha . Distracted by all the things that need to be done . When I was a kid I read this story and thought , " Yes . Priorities . Sitting at the Lord 's feet is way more important than kneading bread , Martha . Duh . Take a clue from your sister . " The message was clear . I liked this story as a kid for its simplicity - even a child can understand that . I got a little older and thought , " Yes . Priorities . Sitting at the Lord 's feet is way more important than doing all the tasks I always seem to feel like I need to do . Take a clue from Mary . " I realized that I was more like Martha than like Mary ( around about the time I started becoming an adult responsible for getting things done . ) I worked on having my quiet time in the morning and putting God first . ( And stopped saying Duh . ) Then I got a little older ( how does that keep happening ? ! ) and thought , " Yes . Priorities . Relationships are more important than tasks . Huh . Take a hint , Andra . " This took a little longer to grasp . Not just Jesus ( who definitely is the most important of all ) , but all of my relationships are more important than vacuuming . I have to fight for this in my mind daily . Then I got a little older and thought , " But goodness , SOMEONE has to get that cleaned up . SOMEONE has to cook the meal . SOMEONE has to write that email . Lord , don 't you care that this work has to be done ? Which is it - tasks or people ? " ( This was yesterday , by the way , so there isn 't much getting older in this story . ) I would LOVE to just sit around and play games with my husband , read books with a kid on each thigh all afternoon , call up all my friends every evening , throw the paperwork to the wind ( Can I say that again ? It just sounds so deliciously wonderful . Throw the paperwork to the wind . ) ( And … one more time . Throw the paperwork to the wind . Ahhh . Okay , I 'm back . Thanks . ) " Andra , Andra , " the Lord answered , " you are concerned about many things . " Yes , I know . And they won 't go away without me taking care of them . I 'm not asking for someone else to help me with them . I really think they are my responsibility . That , I get . But how am I supposed to get them done and still sit at the Lord 's feet ? Still put relationships first ? This frustrates me like crazy . I know . Balance your time . Take care of the people first and then you will have time to take care of your work . Put the big rocks into your jar first and all the pebbles and sand and water will fit but if I put the pebbles and sand and water in first , the big rocks won 't fit . I know all that . It 's not helping me . " Only one thing is needed , " Jesus said to her . Do I really believe that ? Just one thing ? Surely He didn 't mean we don 't need to cook . My family would starve . That 's not helpful for the relationship . So what did He mean ? I think He meant right then . One thing that evening . Jesus , the Lord and Savior , is sitting in your house for that day . Do you A . Make bread to serve him or B . Sit and listen to Him . It 's your big chance , maybe your only chance , to hear the Son of God in your own house , one on one ( well , two on one since Mary 's already at it . ) That choice is clear . There should be no doubt , if Martha really thought about it . If she had just stopped for two seconds to ask the right question . That 's my question . How many things are really , truly needed right now . Sometimes , five things are needed . So prioritize those five things and get at it . But sometimes , only one thing is needed . I may think that ten other things need to get done . They probably do need to get done . Later . But right then , only one thing is needed . And if I can chose what is better it will not be taken away from me . The dirty dishes may not be taken away from me either , but they will be there later . The relational chance may not . Posted on May 1 , 2013 by andrajean 7 We 're prepping to be back in the States for a bit . This is always a big deal for us - buying tickets is expensive and I always feel like I 'm playing the lottery . Sure , plop down this huge amount of money and just hope that nothing happens to prevent us from getting on that plane ( like a traffic jam or worse ) . Yikes . It 's a big deal for us because our kids love love love to travel . My son was ready to pull out the suitcases two months ago . It 's a big deal for us because we get to see family again after months ( or never , in the case of my two new nephew / nieces . How do you make that plural when they aren 't the same ? My five new nephces . My kids ' five new cousins . Agh , English . ) of not seeing them . So we think and plan and dream and worry , all at the same time . You would think , being Americans , that it would be all one big high . We 're coming HOME ! But what does home mean ? I mean , for a traveller . ( Not where the heart is . I mean really , specifically , what does home mean ? ) We have our house and friends and school and work here . We also have some residue of culture shock and language barrier here . Less and less , but it 's always going to be there , that we don 't quite fit in . The first few years of living here , returning to America meant that this culture shock , language barrier and " alienness " would dissolve and we would be among our own kind , our own people ( is this sounding like we 're Martians ? ) who understood and we understood back . About everything . How to make a line behind the cash register . How to order a sandwich . What to do with your shopping cart . Where to park your car . It was a huge relief . Familiar food . Directions on the cleaning bottle that I could understand . Medicine I knew was safe to give my kids . Relief , relief , relief . And joy . I could make jokes . I could understand jokes . I could catch up on people 's lives . Real chocolate chips . The last time we were back , though , I found that certain things were a little bit of a culture shock for me in America . I 've heard of " reverse culture shock " and finally it hit me . Tortillas ( which I grew up on ) are too sweet . ( Actually , everything was . I suddenly could taste the added sugar in everything . Why do tortillas need sugar ? ? ) Shopping carts were littered all over the parking lot ( you get your " deposit coin " back when you lock it back into the cart area here , so there 's never ever been a stray shopping cart . ) Grocery bags were not filled to the brim until they started ripping ( a pet peeve of mine here ) but wastefully filled with about two items . I 'm a little nervous about what is going to be a shock to me this time around . Is even more of my " home " going to feel strange and alien to me this time around ? Will more and more chunks of my previous life fall off with each visit ? I 've talked to my husband about this . He 's reminded me over and over that our citizenship is in heaven , and the less we feel at home here on earth , the more we yearn for our real , lasting home . Heaven is solid , God is unchanging , and when I get there , I will stay there . Forever . Suitcase and culture shock free . Posted on April 30 , 2013 by andrajean 1 I actually don 't read too many blogs . Kind of hypocritical of me , considering how badly I want people to read mine . But let 's move on to my point . So … my point . My point with this post is to say that I don 't really have one . Of the very few blogs I read , the thing I look for is that they are consistent . I know what to expect : good recipes with fun commentary , hilarious lessons from life as a mom , book reviews . THEY have a point . And this is my official post to say , " You won 't find that here . " I 've tried to nail down my blog 's focus . What am I talking about to the cybervoid ? Who am I talking to ? ( To whom am I talking , if I 'm talking to the grammar police . ) I 've come to the conclusion that this is going to be the one place ( besides my underwear drawer , but maybe that 's t . m . i . ) where things are disorganized . Some might complain about it being " hit or miss " or " scattered " but I 'm going to term it " eclectic . " The thing is , I 'm at a place in life where I feel shallow . I used to sit and think all sorts of deep thoughts . I used to read all kinds of convoluted plots . I used to write without using " I " to start three sentences in a row . Most days now I 'm not sitting at all and my thoughts are about whether I will remember to take the meat out of the freezer to defrost it . Plots these days consist of " Will the toddler take a nap or not ? " Nail biter , chapter - turners . Now , piteously , my writing is readable mostly thanks to trusty old spell - check . Shallow , all of it . But is it ? Maybe my thoughts are shallow . Maybe my body is lazy ( or just tired all the time . ) But my heart is deep , busy loving a household of big and little people . And I guess at this point , that 's all that matters . So when you read ( or skim - I know you 're out there ) my random blog posts and wonder why I 'm rabbit - trailing again , or give up because I 'm too " all over the place , " just chalk it up to a shallow head and a deep heart . That means I have a lot to share but not really , which means my blog posts are not consistent or focused , which means my own blog is not on my short list of blogs I read . Bummer . Posted on March 14 , 2013 by andrajean 5 My kids are at the age when they are about to eat us out of house and home . I used to roll my eyes when I heard other people say that . " It 's just food . How expensive could that be ? " But now I know better . The money issue was only part of the problem for me . What bothered me even more was the constant pleading for more food . I literally ( and I 'm not using that word figuratively ) would be washing up the lunch dishes , wiping down the counters and they would walk up ( from the table ) and say , sandwich crumbs on their cheeks , " What can I have for a snack ? " And then all afternoon , they kept me completely informed by the half hour about how empty their poor little tummies were , begging for scraps lest they wither away and die . So I came up with a solution . I put a plate of food on the table every afternoon . That is their snack allotment for the day and when it 's gone , it 's gone . They are not allowed to ask me for anything different , or for anything else . But here 's the winning part : They do not have to ask me if they can eat anything that 's on the snack plate . They love this . They get to be in charge of when and what and how much they eat ( from the snack plate but at seven and four years of age , this suffices as " in charge " ) . I decide on cheap , healthy choices and then get left alone the rest of the afternoon about feeding them . I love this . Win - win . Sometimes I take the opportunity to clear out the cabinets . Leftover whole - wheat crackers from our game party last weekend . Pumpkin seeds that have been in there so long I thought they were part of the house . Cereal bits that won 't make a whole bowl full for breakfast . Sometimes I get fun and make a " theme . " Round things . ( Grapes , blueberries , cherry tomatoes , and boiled eggs . ) Red things . ( Red bell pepper strips , strawberries , tomatoes , four red gummy bears . ) On Fridays I like to make it a special treat - banana muffins and maybe carrot sticks to balance the treat part . Scientifically , I 'm not sure how this works , but my kids will almost always completely devour whatever is on the plate . At dinnertime , fill their plate with carrot sticks and almonds and they will totally balk and spend the entire evening sitting and staring at the grossness I 'm making them eat . But on Snack Plate , different story . Wild . And my husband and I find ourselves grabbing a carrot stick to munch on since it 's right there on the table . Convenience is everything . I 'm such a big fan of this Snack Plate idea . We are all eating really healthy snacks , the kids are getting another intake of vegetables and fruits , my cabinets aren 't so stuffed with junk I bought and we never finished , and everyone is happy about being in charge of their own afternoon eating . Now my son 's first question when I pick him up from school is , " What 's on the Snack Plate today ? " No matter that it 's a turquoise plate full of vegetables . It 's Snack Plate ! It 's all about the marketing . Freaky but awesome . My youngest child got hurt . I was right there . We think we can control so much of our kids ' lives , be careful about who they play with , where they go , what they 're exposed to . But when you 're right there when an accident happens , you realize that not so much is in your control . Here is where the fun began . Let me preface this by saying that I am totally happy with the care she received and everyone was ultra nice , helpful and competent . She was a trooper , too , and didn 't seem to mind her jail crib too badly as long as the " Pokers and Prodders " ( as I know she labeled them in her little mind ) left her alone . I stayed with her in the hospital . After four days ( three nights ) in the hospital for both of us , two ultrasounds , four x - rays , and meals , we paid a total of $ 20 . I 'll explain how this could be done so cheaply . First of all , I wasn 't given a bed . I pushed four chairs together and practiced being on the Amazing Race . Secondly , I wasn 't given meals . ( It was like I wasn 't even there . Ghost mom . ) My picky toddler actually eats only bread , bananas , and mixed food from a jar . So my husband brought her food in and I ate the meals the hospital was providing for her . Which turned out to be mixed food anyways . ( She still wouldn 't touch it . ) I had mashed potatoes and ground mystery meat for lunch each day . Pink meat the first day - probably tuna . Second day looked more like ground up scrambled eggs . Third day pale white was probably chicken . Oh , delicious . I just pretended like I was doing research to see what it 's like to be a baby . Then my favorite dinner : congealed pudding with vanilla wafers floating all in it . Slightly soggy . Not even going to comment on that one . On my last night , around two in the morning , ( I know this because I was laying on mismatched chairs . Not really in a massively deep REM cycle there . ) someone snuck into the room and put a tray onto the little table . I spent the next three hours pondering what in the WORLD the nurse could have needed to bring in the room in the middle of the night . After three hours , pain medication for Evelyn was the only answer I could come up with , although at this point they 'd declared that she didn 't need any . So as soon as dawn broke , I finally rushed over to see what this mystery item was .
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When last I left you , we had returned to Edinburgh , where we spent the next couple of days . Hubby had lots of plans , and our first full day was spent retracing our steps from 1996 . Back we went to Linlithgow Palace and Stirling Castle . In ' 96 , we went to the castle first , and the palace second . This time , we stopped off at the palace first . I already mentioned the Patchwork shop in this post , so I 'll skip it this go around . Once inside , we bought our tickets . As Pete ran out the door , I paused to capture this poster , which had me laughing out loud . " Bums in Seats " ? In the US , they prefer no bums in seats . But bums aren 't bums , and despite knowing the difference , I kept chuckling . yup . Easily amused . The chuckle ended when my spouse disappeared out the door and into the crowd . He came back to chide me for dawdling . He 'd neglected to let me know that we had about 3 minutes to catch the train . Then he dashed through the turnstile with all of the tickets , leaving me behind again . He came back wondering about the hold up , gave me a ticket , and took off again . When it didn 't work , one of the station masters looked at it . It was a return ticket FROM Stirling , so of course I couldn 't use it . He came back AGAIN , and this time gave me the correct slip of paper . whew ! We stepped onto the train as the door closed behind us . Made it ! Once I teased him about how it would have been so much easier and cheaper to have left me stateside , instead of hauling me all the way to Scotland to be done with me , we settled down and enjoyed the ride . Linlithgow Palace was . . . the birthplace of Mary Queen of Scots ? At least I think it was . It played a predominant role in her life . It 's been a few weeks , and the specifics are becoming less specific . We were encouraged to go to the top of the tallest tower first , because " The sky is blue ! The sky is rarely blue this year ! " We saw cobalt blue skies on multiple days . It was spectacular . This is the view looking down from the tower . The fountain in the center still functions , but it only runs on Sundays during a couple of summer months . We 'd missed seeing it by a day or two , and they 'd shut it off for the season . ( My close - up shot of the fountain keeps coming up sideways , so we 'll skip it . ) We spent at least an hour roaming around the palace . Actually , I sat in the courtyard and wrote in my journal after exploring about 1 / 4 of it . Husband went through the entire thing , reading every informative plaque he could find . I glance at plaques for the highlights , and prefer to experience the buildings with all of my senses instead . Once back on the train , we headed to Stirling . I think they said that Stirling was the most sieged castle , changing hands a dozen times , back and forth between English and Scottish control . Eventually James VI of Scotland also became James 1 of England , the first Scot to sit on the British throne . He was the son of Mary Queen of Scots . Stirling became a showplace under his rule , however once he became the King of England , he only returned to Scotland once . This is the approach to Stirling Castle . It was about a 20 minute walk up the hill from the train station . It 's the uphill that makes it take 20 minutes , not the distance . This statue is a representation of either James V or James VI , I 'm not sure which . He was known to dress as a peasant and wander down to the town . He would sit in the pubs and listen to what his subjects had to say about him and his rule . The Great Hall has been restored to its 16th century glory . The guide told us that at that time , ALL of the buildings were lime - washed with ochre , to give them a golden glow when seen from a distance . Apparently when the restorers unveiled the new color in the late 1990 's , the locals were aghast , labeling it as an egregious act of vandalism . You can see the Great Hall peeking out from behind this portion of the old castle . The remainder of the buildings have lost their lime wash and are naked stone . The foreground is the Queen 's Garden . I think we arrived during a changing of the plantings , because there weren 't as many blooms as I remember from years ago . This is one of the restored rooms inside the castle . I believe it was just inside / under the statue of King James that I showed you earlier . They had guides in costume , to help you " experience " 16th century life . It reminded me too much of Disneyland . My husband was taken by the reproduction carvings in the ceiling . Above the docent 's head were 36 of these carvings , each depicting a different figure . Many of them were Greek or Roman gods , as well as Scotland 's kings or queens . And I think that with that , I will end this installment . One thing I loved were the cobblestone streets , which were found in almost every place we went . It 's hard to imagine roads that never need repair . Maybe we should have cobblestone highways in CA ? Or not . I just really , really loved looking at them . Right alongside such historic artifacts are signs that remind you that you are not back in the olden days . I saw many " dog fouling " signs , but this one had the most informative image . Just in case you weren 't sure how to do it ? I don 't know , but I think it 's pretty funny . : ) After three days in the Highlands , we headed back to Edinburgh . As we were packing up the car , I looked at one of the mountains and suddenly realized it was familiar ! Check this out : The last time we were here , there was digitalis ( fox glove ) in bloom , and sheep beneath the rockslide . We took pictures of the kids , posing with the sheep in 1996 . This is Adam . I tried to quilt the rockslide , with grey thread . It gets lost in the dark green , but wow . Same place . There was some deja vu going on as we left . It had rained a LOT while we were at Glencoe . Mountains literally ran with water . Waterfalls were plentiful , where the day before there were none . The creek that flowed by our Inn was raging when we left . It was moving so fast , a couple of kayakers had pulled over and were getting ready to launch down the white water that had been a mere creek the day before . It was incredible . As we were getting ready to leave , a family from Minnesota pulled up , accompanied by a loud hissing sound . They got out to discover a tire that went completely flat over the course of about 2 minutes . They 'd hit a pot hole . The daughter was on a one year grant , to study handwovens and knitting in the UK . How cool is that ? ! I was wearing a handwoven shrug , that she greatly admired . Turns out her mom used to live in Visalia , and studied geologic formations in the Sierras . Small world ! We chatted at length , while the men changed the tire . Pete had been talking about The Trossachs , The Trossachs , blah blah blah The Trossachs . He never told me what they were , because he 'd never been there . Instead of retracing our route to Edinburgh , through the cute little towns that I wanted to stop in , we drove alongside Loch Lomond , on the side that 's just vegetation . It was beautiful . And boring . I didn 't take many pictures , as it all looked the same . We finally emerged at the south end of the lake , and turned towards Stirling . But when he saw the sign that said , " Balluch Castle , " he turned in . Apparently he 'd read a lot about it , but didn 't remember the particulars . I thought the visitor 's center looked abandoned , but he wanted to investigate anyway . I 'm not sure why the photo is turned on its side . We ended up walking through this HUGE park , to the castle . . . which was privately owned and closed to the public . oops . It was a lovely walk . We hit the road again , when suddenly , " Do you see them ? ! Holsteins ! ! Can we stop ? Please ? Please , please , please ? " It 's a bit unnerving to see a grown man so desperate . Sure , fine , whatever . Go see the cows . We pulled in and he talked to them and walked alongside , being careful not to touch them . All countries are very particular about possible transfer of disease . I could tell it pained him , but listening to their mooing seemed to do him good . It was Stirling Castle , one of the favorite castles of all the monarchs . I particularly like this photo , with the bales of hay in the foreground . We visited Stirling the next day , so I 'll give you more pics in my next installment . We continued our drive back to the airport , to return the rental car . Here 's a helpful hint , if you 're going to rent a car in Edinburgh . I think it was 300 pounds to rent a car from the airport for 4 days . A few days later , we rented a car from Waverly Station for 2 days . It cost 900 pounds to rent from Waverly Station . If you want to rent a car , get it from Edinburgh Airport , and save yourself some serious coin . We took a cab to our new digs , 24 Queen St . It was an Air BNB , advertised as a " snug . " And snug , it was ! oh . my . goodness . You climbed a ladder to the sleeping loft , which was immediately over the chairs in the main space . The main space was so small , that only one of us could open a suitcase at a time . But it was a great location , and we were within walking distance of lots of good restaurants . Our cabbie had asked us if we 'd come to town for the fireworks . Fireworks ? What fireworks ? It was the last day of the Festival , and Virgin had sponsored a spectacular fireworks display , to be accompanied by the Philharmonic . wow . He said that 300 , 000 people were expected at Princes St . Gardens , but it was probably sold out . I was very tired , and didn 't really want to walk any more . Have I mentioned the miles upon miles upon miles that we walked ? I wore out two pairs of shoes ! But Pete said , " We 're here , we should at least go see . . . " And so we did . This is just a fraction of the crowd that did not have tickets . I don 't know if you can see it , but the crowd is wall to wall people , all the way up the street ( on the left ) , as well as lined up along the street above us . And this was a sideways view of the Castle , which was the launching point . Many of the displays were above the treetops , but many were also hidden from view . The music was wonderful . I have to say that I was very glad that we made the effort to see this . Edinburgh 's Festival Fireworks left Disney 's Phantamagoria - was that what it was called ? That 's the last commercial fireworks display I 've seen , and it was 20 years ago - in the dust . This was SPECTACULAR ! If you go near the end of the season , be sure to see the Tattoo , and then stick around for the closing ceremonies and fireworks . You 'll be glad you did ! To pick up the narrative where I left off , hubby and I were at the Clachaig Inn , in Glencoe . On Saturday , we 'd traveled south and west to Oban . On Sunday , we traveled north and east to see Urquhart Castle . It was built on the shores of Loch Ness , so we saw a lot of the Loch on that day . It is a BIG loch . Large enough to hide more than one little Nessie . We started in Glencoe , at the Glencoe History Museum . Unfortunately , it was closed . Next to the Museum was a church , with this amazing rock fence surrounding it . The rockwork captivates me . Why do we not do this here ? I guess the rocks aren 't as plentiful ? It truly is Art . We passed a number of lochs on our way , so many , that I didn 't bother to pay attention to their names . To my uneducated ear , they all sound alike . Then again , there is a story about the head of the MacDonald clan . He was ordered to sign his allegiance to the English crown , and hemmed and hawed about doing so . He had to sign by a certain date , and he was to do it at . . . Invergarry ? Only he went to Inverlochy ? by mistake . Missing the deadline resulted in the slaughter of the MacDonald clan at Glencoe by the Campbells . I 'm pretty sure that the Inverlochy Castle ruins that we visited were the site that he erroneously reported to . We weren 't looking for them , I just spotted a sign on the road with an arrow " Inverlochy Castle . " Pete turned in , we went down a lane , over a weak bridge , and parked across from this . Outstanding ! It was one of my favorite castles , in that it was well groomed yet not commercial . There was no entry fee , one could just wander about as desired . We 'd driven by some sheep on the hillside , as we looked for the castle . This was the first time that hubby actually pulled over , so that I could get some good pictures . I loved their access to the cemetery . I think the well - manicured look of Scotland can be attributed to the ever - grazing sheep . As you can see , it was a grey day . The rain came and went as we drove . In 1996 , Scotland was the first place that I heard the comment , " If you don 't like the weather , just wait 15 minutes . " This time , I heard , " Scotland : All four seasons , every day . " And it was true , with the exception of snow . It did not snow while we were there . Our next stop was at a war memorial . I was more entranced by the sheep , though I have to say that the Scots do much to honor their military . Every place that we went seemed to have some sort of tribute to those who have given their lives for their country . They do not forget . They do not want to forget . This is my favorite sheep picture of all that I took . The thistles in the foreground are perfect ! I couldn 't have set this up better if I 'd tried ! We pulled over multiple times on this trip . I saw a bus unloading tourists , and said , " Stop ! " And he did . Bridges like this were everywhere . Water is everywhere . Everything was wet and green and lush and MARVELOUS ! This was a private home , immediately next to the bridge . I saw many rooftops covered with greenery . This one actually looked like it was planted with lettuce . I LOVE the look . Husband HATES it . I told him , " I know what you 're thinking . You 're thinking that the roof is going to rot , and it 's going to need to be replaced , and you would get rid of every bit of that . " He looked a bit uncomfortable , as he admitted that I had completely read his mind . Thirty four years will do that to a person . He lucked out , though , because with this stop , we got to get up close and personal with a Highland cow . I took pictures , which he forwarded to his business . Apparently most of the secretaries have now adopted her as their desktop wallpaper . ( It 's a dairy practice . They 're all about the cows . ) We eventually made it to Urquhart Castle , a place that was too touristy for my taste . It reminded me of Disneyland , with the presentation and the gift shop and the PEOPLE . But it is a beautiful place , and a key location back in the day . It changed hands many times , and when the last owners / residents were under siege , they blew it up to keep it from falling into the hands of their enemies . This one isn 't a natural ruin , it was intentional . We spent a while here , then decided to head back to Glencoe . I love the signage , particular the reminder to " Drive on the left . " Notice that it 's not just Americans who need reminding . Apparently the Germans are right there with us . We eventually made our way back to Glencoe , and our lodging . This is not a painted backdrop , it 's the mountain , rising straight up behind us . A glass of Thistly Cross cider , a wool sweater hand - knit by my sister , and my journal . I was set for the evening . oh , wow . I just spent the last hour resizing and saving the pictures for my next Scotland post . Then I checked my last post , and realized that I 'd skipped over a couple of days ! arg ! What was I thinking ? I 've had enough feedback - thank you ! See me smile ! - that I don 't want to skimp on trip pics , but I also don 't want to spend another hour resizing pics right now . On Sept . 10 , four days after we returned from Scotland , I had my thyroid out . It wasn 't a mandatory procedure , it was elective , but according to the surgeon , it was " going to have to come out eventually . " We 've been watching it for a year , and I decided " Let 's do this ! " I wanted it done after Scotland and before Houston . That 's right ! I 'm headed to Houston next month ! woohoo ! The thyroid came out , best surgery experience ever . I feel better than I 've felt in years . I haven 't felt this good since I was 40 ! I 'm still having some surgery - induced calcium issues , but if taking megadoses of calcium is all it takes to keep me feeling this good , bring it on ! : ) I got really really excited about this Estate Sale find . I was looking at shells , and one of the workers asked , " Did you see the big one on the hearth ? " I hadn 't . She brought it to me , in this presentation . I flipped it over , tried to hide my gasps , and flipped it back . " I 'll take it ! " For $ 5 ? ! ! You bet I 'll take it . Here is another view of this " shell , " as seen with a second one , and a quarter . I believe the little one is star coral , the bigger one is mushroom coral . ( I identified them using online images . If anyone needs to correct me , please do ! ) Coral is no longer sold retail , I 'm pretty sure there are laws against it . But vintage coral ? This is not my first piece , but it 's definitely my best deal yet . LOVE it ! And finally , this is my real dog . And I 'll leave you with that . Hopefully next time , I 'll have resized the proper set of photos , as we continue our tour through Scotland . Ta !
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When last I left you , we had returned to Edinburgh , where we spent the next couple of days . Hubby had lots of plans , and our first full day was spent retracing our steps from 1996 . Back we went to Linlithgow Palace and Stirling Castle . In ' 96 , we went to the castle first , and the palace second . This time , we stopped off at the palace first . I already mentioned the Patchwork shop in this post , so I 'll skip it this go around . Once inside , we bought our tickets . As Pete ran out the door , I paused to capture this poster , which had me laughing out loud . " Bums in Seats " ? In the US , they prefer no bums in seats . But bums aren 't bums , and despite knowing the difference , I kept chuckling . yup . Easily amused . The chuckle ended when my spouse disappeared out the door and into the crowd . He came back to chide me for dawdling . He 'd neglected to let me know that we had about 3 minutes to catch the train . Then he dashed through the turnstile with all of the tickets , leaving me behind again . He came back wondering about the hold up , gave me a ticket , and took off again . When it didn 't work , one of the station masters looked at it . It was a return ticket FROM Stirling , so of course I couldn 't use it . He came back AGAIN , and this time gave me the correct slip of paper . whew ! We stepped onto the train as the door closed behind us . Made it ! Once I teased him about how it would have been so much easier and cheaper to have left me stateside , instead of hauling me all the way to Scotland to be done with me , we settled down and enjoyed the ride . Linlithgow Palace was . . . the birthplace of Mary Queen of Scots ? At least I think it was . It played a predominant role in her life . It 's been a few weeks , and the specifics are becoming less specific . We were encouraged to go to the top of the tallest tower first , because " The sky is blue ! The sky is rarely blue this year ! " We saw cobalt blue skies on multiple days . It was spectacular . This is the view looking down from the tower . The fountain in the center still functions , but it only runs on Sundays during a couple of summer months . We 'd missed seeing it by a day or two , and they 'd shut it off for the season . ( My close - up shot of the fountain keeps coming up sideways , so we 'll skip it . ) We spent at least an hour roaming around the palace . Actually , I sat in the courtyard and wrote in my journal after exploring about 1 / 4 of it . Husband went through the entire thing , reading every informative plaque he could find . I glance at plaques for the highlights , and prefer to experience the buildings with all of my senses instead . Once back on the train , we headed to Stirling . I think they said that Stirling was the most sieged castle , changing hands a dozen times , back and forth between English and Scottish control . Eventually James VI of Scotland also became James 1 of England , the first Scot to sit on the British throne . He was the son of Mary Queen of Scots . Stirling became a showplace under his rule , however once he became the King of England , he only returned to Scotland once . This is the approach to Stirling Castle . It was about a 20 minute walk up the hill from the train station . It 's the uphill that makes it take 20 minutes , not the distance . This statue is a representation of either James V or James VI , I 'm not sure which . He was known to dress as a peasant and wander down to the town . He would sit in the pubs and listen to what his subjects had to say about him and his rule . The Great Hall has been restored to its 16th century glory . The guide told us that at that time , ALL of the buildings were lime - washed with ochre , to give them a golden glow when seen from a distance . Apparently when the restorers unveiled the new color in the late 1990 's , the locals were aghast , labeling it as an egregious act of vandalism . You can see the Great Hall peeking out from behind this portion of the old castle . The remainder of the buildings have lost their lime wash and are naked stone . The foreground is the Queen 's Garden . I think we arrived during a changing of the plantings , because there weren 't as many blooms as I remember from years ago . This is one of the restored rooms inside the castle . I believe it was just inside / under the statue of King James that I showed you earlier . They had guides in costume , to help you " experience " 16th century life . It reminded me too much of Disneyland . My husband was taken by the reproduction carvings in the ceiling . Above the docent 's head were 36 of these carvings , each depicting a different figure . Many of them were Greek or Roman gods , as well as Scotland 's kings or queens . And I think that with that , I will end this installment . One thing I loved were the cobblestone streets , which were found in almost every place we went . It 's hard to imagine roads that never need repair . Maybe we should have cobblestone highways in CA ? Or not . I just really , really loved looking at them . Right alongside such historic artifacts are signs that remind you that you are not back in the olden days . I saw many " dog fouling " signs , but this one had the most informative image . Just in case you weren 't sure how to do it ? I don 't know , but I think it 's pretty funny . : ) After three days in the Highlands , we headed back to Edinburgh . As we were packing up the car , I looked at one of the mountains and suddenly realized it was familiar ! Check this out : The last time we were here , there was digitalis ( fox glove ) in bloom , and sheep beneath the rockslide . We took pictures of the kids , posing with the sheep in 1996 . This is Adam . I tried to quilt the rockslide , with grey thread . It gets lost in the dark green , but wow . Same place . There was some deja vu going on as we left . It had rained a LOT while we were at Glencoe . Mountains literally ran with water . Waterfalls were plentiful , where the day before there were none . The creek that flowed by our Inn was raging when we left . It was moving so fast , a couple of kayakers had pulled over and were getting ready to launch down the white water that had been a mere creek the day before . It was incredible . As we were getting ready to leave , a family from Minnesota pulled up , accompanied by a loud hissing sound . They got out to discover a tire that went completely flat over the course of about 2 minutes . They 'd hit a pot hole . The daughter was on a one year grant , to study handwovens and knitting in the UK . How cool is that ? ! I was wearing a handwoven shrug , that she greatly admired . Turns out her mom used to live in Visalia , and studied geologic formations in the Sierras . Small world ! We chatted at length , while the men changed the tire . Pete had been talking about The Trossachs , The Trossachs , blah blah blah The Trossachs . He never told me what they were , because he 'd never been there . Instead of retracing our route to Edinburgh , through the cute little towns that I wanted to stop in , we drove alongside Loch Lomond , on the side that 's just vegetation . It was beautiful . And boring . I didn 't take many pictures , as it all looked the same . We finally emerged at the south end of the lake , and turned towards Stirling . But when he saw the sign that said , " Balluch Castle , " he turned in . Apparently he 'd read a lot about it , but didn 't remember the particulars . I thought the visitor 's center looked abandoned , but he wanted to investigate anyway . I 'm not sure why the photo is turned on its side . We ended up walking through this HUGE park , to the castle . . . which was privately owned and closed to the public . oops . It was a lovely walk . We hit the road again , when suddenly , " Do you see them ? ! Holsteins ! ! Can we stop ? Please ? Please , please , please ? " It 's a bit unnerving to see a grown man so desperate . Sure , fine , whatever . Go see the cows . We pulled in and he talked to them and walked alongside , being careful not to touch them . All countries are very particular about possible transfer of disease . I could tell it pained him , but listening to their mooing seemed to do him good . It was Stirling Castle , one of the favorite castles of all the monarchs . I particularly like this photo , with the bales of hay in the foreground . We visited Stirling the next day , so I 'll give you more pics in my next installment . We continued our drive back to the airport , to return the rental car . Here 's a helpful hint , if you 're going to rent a car in Edinburgh . I think it was 300 pounds to rent a car from the airport for 4 days . A few days later , we rented a car from Waverly Station for 2 days . It cost 900 pounds to rent from Waverly Station . If you want to rent a car , get it from Edinburgh Airport , and save yourself some serious coin . We took a cab to our new digs , 24 Queen St . It was an Air BNB , advertised as a " snug . " And snug , it was ! oh . my . goodness . You climbed a ladder to the sleeping loft , which was immediately over the chairs in the main space . The main space was so small , that only one of us could open a suitcase at a time . But it was a great location , and we were within walking distance of lots of good restaurants . Our cabbie had asked us if we 'd come to town for the fireworks . Fireworks ? What fireworks ? It was the last day of the Festival , and Virgin had sponsored a spectacular fireworks display , to be accompanied by the Philharmonic . wow . He said that 300 , 000 people were expected at Princes St . Gardens , but it was probably sold out . I was very tired , and didn 't really want to walk any more . Have I mentioned the miles upon miles upon miles that we walked ? I wore out two pairs of shoes ! But Pete said , " We 're here , we should at least go see . . . " And so we did . This is just a fraction of the crowd that did not have tickets . I don 't know if you can see it , but the crowd is wall to wall people , all the way up the street ( on the left ) , as well as lined up along the street above us . And this was a sideways view of the Castle , which was the launching point . Many of the displays were above the treetops , but many were also hidden from view . The music was wonderful . I have to say that I was very glad that we made the effort to see this . Edinburgh 's Festival Fireworks left Disney 's Phantamagoria - was that what it was called ? That 's the last commercial fireworks display I 've seen , and it was 20 years ago - in the dust . This was SPECTACULAR ! If you go near the end of the season , be sure to see the Tattoo , and then stick around for the closing ceremonies and fireworks . You 'll be glad you did ! To pick up the narrative where I left off , hubby and I were at the Clachaig Inn , in Glencoe . On Saturday , we 'd traveled south and west to Oban . On Sunday , we traveled north and east to see Urquhart Castle . It was built on the shores of Loch Ness , so we saw a lot of the Loch on that day . It is a BIG loch . Large enough to hide more than one little Nessie . We started in Glencoe , at the Glencoe History Museum . Unfortunately , it was closed . Next to the Museum was a church , with this amazing rock fence surrounding it . The rockwork captivates me . Why do we not do this here ? I guess the rocks aren 't as plentiful ? It truly is Art . We passed a number of lochs on our way , so many , that I didn 't bother to pay attention to their names . To my uneducated ear , they all sound alike . Then again , there is a story about the head of the MacDonald clan . He was ordered to sign his allegiance to the English crown , and hemmed and hawed about doing so . He had to sign by a certain date , and he was to do it at . . . Invergarry ? Only he went to Inverlochy ? by mistake . Missing the deadline resulted in the slaughter of the MacDonald clan at Glencoe by the Campbells . I 'm pretty sure that the Inverlochy Castle ruins that we visited were the site that he erroneously reported to . We weren 't looking for them , I just spotted a sign on the road with an arrow " Inverlochy Castle . " Pete turned in , we went down a lane , over a weak bridge , and parked across from this . Outstanding ! It was one of my favorite castles , in that it was well groomed yet not commercial . There was no entry fee , one could just wander about as desired . We 'd driven by some sheep on the hillside , as we looked for the castle . This was the first time that hubby actually pulled over , so that I could get some good pictures . I loved their access to the cemetery . I think the well - manicured look of Scotland can be attributed to the ever - grazing sheep . As you can see , it was a grey day . The rain came and went as we drove . In 1996 , Scotland was the first place that I heard the comment , " If you don 't like the weather , just wait 15 minutes . " This time , I heard , " Scotland : All four seasons , every day . " And it was true , with the exception of snow . It did not snow while we were there . Our next stop was at a war memorial . I was more entranced by the sheep , though I have to say that the Scots do much to honor their military . Every place that we went seemed to have some sort of tribute to those who have given their lives for their country . They do not forget . They do not want to forget . This is my favorite sheep picture of all that I took . The thistles in the foreground are perfect ! I couldn 't have set this up better if I 'd tried ! We pulled over multiple times on this trip . I saw a bus unloading tourists , and said , " Stop ! " And he did . Bridges like this were everywhere . Water is everywhere . Everything was wet and green and lush and MARVELOUS ! This was a private home , immediately next to the bridge . I saw many rooftops covered with greenery . This one actually looked like it was planted with lettuce . I LOVE the look . Husband HATES it . I told him , " I know what you 're thinking . You 're thinking that the roof is going to rot , and it 's going to need to be replaced , and you would get rid of every bit of that . " He looked a bit uncomfortable , as he admitted that I had completely read his mind . Thirty four years will do that to a person . He lucked out , though , because with this stop , we got to get up close and personal with a Highland cow . I took pictures , which he forwarded to his business . Apparently most of the secretaries have now adopted her as their desktop wallpaper . ( It 's a dairy practice . They 're all about the cows . ) We eventually made it to Urquhart Castle , a place that was too touristy for my taste . It reminded me of Disneyland , with the presentation and the gift shop and the PEOPLE . But it is a beautiful place , and a key location back in the day . It changed hands many times , and when the last owners / residents were under siege , they blew it up to keep it from falling into the hands of their enemies . This one isn 't a natural ruin , it was intentional . We spent a while here , then decided to head back to Glencoe . I love the signage , particular the reminder to " Drive on the left . " Notice that it 's not just Americans who need reminding . Apparently the Germans are right there with us . We eventually made our way back to Glencoe , and our lodging . This is not a painted backdrop , it 's the mountain , rising straight up behind us . A glass of Thistly Cross cider , a wool sweater hand - knit by my sister , and my journal . I was set for the evening . oh , wow . I just spent the last hour resizing and saving the pictures for my next Scotland post . Then I checked my last post , and realized that I 'd skipped over a couple of days ! arg ! What was I thinking ? I 've had enough feedback - thank you ! See me smile ! - that I don 't want to skimp on trip pics , but I also don 't want to spend another hour resizing pics right now . On Sept . 10 , four days after we returned from Scotland , I had my thyroid out . It wasn 't a mandatory procedure , it was elective , but according to the surgeon , it was " going to have to come out eventually . " We 've been watching it for a year , and I decided " Let 's do this ! " I wanted it done after Scotland and before Houston . That 's right ! I 'm headed to Houston next month ! woohoo ! The thyroid came out , best surgery experience ever . I feel better than I 've felt in years . I haven 't felt this good since I was 40 ! I 'm still having some surgery - induced calcium issues , but if taking megadoses of calcium is all it takes to keep me feeling this good , bring it on ! : ) I got really really excited about this Estate Sale find . I was looking at shells , and one of the workers asked , " Did you see the big one on the hearth ? " I hadn 't . She brought it to me , in this presentation . I flipped it over , tried to hide my gasps , and flipped it back . " I 'll take it ! " For $ 5 ? ! ! You bet I 'll take it . Here is another view of this " shell , " as seen with a second one , and a quarter . I believe the little one is star coral , the bigger one is mushroom coral . ( I identified them using online images . If anyone needs to correct me , please do ! ) Coral is no longer sold retail , I 'm pretty sure there are laws against it . But vintage coral ? This is not my first piece , but it 's definitely my best deal yet . LOVE it ! And finally , this is my real dog . And I 'll leave you with that . Hopefully next time , I 'll have resized the proper set of photos , as we continue our tour through Scotland . Ta !
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The dead hold no allure to me . Cindy didn 't look happy , sad , or calm - especially not at the latter . Whoever started the belief that dead people were at peace should be taken out and shot in a pasture . They could be buried next to the person that first believed heroes were good and villains were bad . Good , bad , those are goals and ideals ; not realities . It 's all just fucking shades of grey . " So much prettiness , " a rumble of noise disturbed me from the contemplation of Cindy 's unfocused eyes . The clawed man stumbled down the long and distorted hallway towards us . His body looked burned , pieces of flesh were charred and clothing had been reduced to cinders . Goo of , well I assumed it was people 's remains , splattered all over his feet . This was why I hated the stereotypes . A person like this didn 't fit simply as a villain or bad ; those words were inadequate . People were crazy , deranged , foul , deplorable , but evil as a label felt unspecific . People were helpful , positive , or friendly but not simply good . Good and evil were moral high grounds that no one upheld . " It dries . It dries and it 's so pretty . Frozen . And beautiful , " he said , grunting words with each thundering step . He kept wiggling broken fingers with deformed claws . They were black but were layered by more unmentionable gunk . My throat still felt try . My head nodded once at the looming behemoth belonging to a deranged person . I watched his slow approach while trying to think of all the missed chances to get up and leave before anything dire happened . Instead all I heard was Ted 's voice saying ' Embrace the madness , as your dear Alice does . ' As I tried to figure out why their acceptance bothered me , I had a moment . A moment where something fucking annoying finally makes sense and your face stiffens in surprise . It was my fault of course . They accepted their role and desires in life then did stuff . I knew and stopped trying . I realized that maybe ; just maybe , I had given up at some point . And while I 've never admitted it out loud , I think that it all started when my sister became a victim and both parents chose to abandon me instead of anything else . Tack on repeated death of what few tried to reach out to me , I just shut down . Even during the events with helping Ted get away from The Alice , or before that with trying to help Ice Princess free other hostages , I still felt fatalistic . I 'd become accustomed to simply trying to keep my head down and not doing much to interfere with the ongoing events around me . Too many things just happened and I felt afraid of the endless back to back failures . That was my epiphany , I couldn 't give in and become a slave to the self - centered desire like the others . Like the pile of fornicators in a prior room or the man who wanted to read his deep mysteries while people were cut down . So , here 's the lesson I finally figured out see other people fall into the same traps . You can 't just let your wants overwhelm what needs to be done . You stop trying and life will never get better . I think this moment here , where a deranged fat man with giant werewolf claws made of blackness stumbled forth , is when I decided to actually try in life . " I 'll make that pussy beautiful . Then , I will make you art . Then another , " he smiled . Nearly pristine white teeth displayed as it head tilted . " Then more . All so pretty . Right , little pussy ? " He walked slowly towards us . One of the man 's eyes unevenly drifted down to the dead body . A wide flat nose flared in delight and he stopped to shiver . The action belonged to a man separated from reality by a few layers . This deranged , and that was the only word for it , man would stomp down the hall and attack . I would survive , Cindy would be a gory mess , and god only knew what would happen next . " No running pussy . You 're going to be pretty art soon , " the oncoming horror grumbled . He staggered forward and one knee looked weak . The bulk of his weight kept slipping down to the right and one large claw propped him up from a wall . He walked forward at the same pace as always . His smile only jiggled around but never faltered despite my calm approach . People downstairs were screaming . The walls thumped . Heavy footfalls and the sound of an orgy reaching climax half a hallway down echoed through . A goat brayed repeatedly like a mad witch casting some evil spell . I looked up at his sloppy form and tried not to shake . You 'd think I would be used to this , but letting event happen to me took far less strength than standing in front of a man who had casually murdered people and walked around in their guts . He was beyond a robber trying to make money , or a villain that needed a hostage . " What are you doing ? " His stare held firm and eyebrows lowered only briefly . The man 's cheek twitched with a small tick . I swear for a moment he looked like a man at odds with himself . I stared at his claw covered hands and wondered if he had any other uses . Did the power to turn himself into a clear living weapon put him on this road ; as my ability shaped and molded who I was ? It was there , the connection between what we could do and what we had made of ourselves . I 've thought about it a lot since then and figured maybe we both stared as human . That , I think , is what nearly broke me . I think that in the end , that deranged man whose name I never learned , is what lead me to do what I did , so many years later . Never mind that for now . That was well after this , and I 'm telling the story as it happened , you know , since you have the entire recording on tape . Recorded by the damn hovering eyeball of Ted 's that kept following me around . Anyway , back to the last moments of a madman and my rambling self - discovery . " You want to be art ? " The clawed man 's eyes were wide and head cocked to one side in confusion . Then he grinned and it looked like his face turned into a jack - o - lantern with pure white teeth . His face wiggled then opened in an incoherent yell . One arm pulled back to swipe at me with claws bigger than my head . Teeth ground together while gristle lubricated the space between top and bottom rows . Burned flesh crinkled as flesh moved . Someone in a hallway to the next started to cry out like a startled bird . All four fornicators and a goat were further down the hall staring at the carnage . I stared as rubble in the new hole cleared . A large bulk retracted slowly through walls and fragmented building . Parts of the ceiling came down and more doors , like the ones on this floor could be seen above . What did I do ? I stood there stupidly and said , " Adam one , deranged psychopath zer - " then grimaced . The man had bloody remains of people on his body and clothes . Zero was discourteous . " Well , I guess you took care of him , right ? " came a concession to my savoir . So , I had a name . Underdog , whose bite was worse than his bark or something . Underdog , who even now showed signs of dying . He coughed while a claw was held up in the sky as Underdog studied the red liquid on his fingers . My savor wasn 't technically a wall or a truck . His arm looked huge but showed signs of deflating like a tired balloon . Wrinkles faded into normal looking skin over the course of a few seconds while we studied each other . He probably didn 't know what to make of my antics . Neither did I . " You might be right , and the world 's a greater place for it . " The stretchy arm man nodded a pushed out his squared off chin . " But I 'm not going to touch him and find out . " By the time I stood back up shaking my head , my savor had a small crowd of the helpless sort standing around him . Another man with seven hundred hats , or maybe just seven , stood nearby him covering his ears with two cowboy looking headpieces . He had another four clutched between his legs and more shoved under a stretched green shirt . My head shook at the whole mess . " Sir , " the hero flapped an arm then shook his head . It tightened back up slowly . Skin hung loosely off a bulky upper body . " Do you know how to get out ? " He stepped closer , along with a small gaggle of confused people . Each one showed signs of clutching objects . Their desires and wants made manifest . " You can see the stairs ? Can you get close to them ? " " They 're stairs , not unicorns , " I said dryly while taking slow breaths . Underdog continued to be dead , along with Cindy . There were others around a corner far down the hall . People were still shouting at each other on the floors around us while footsteps , like deranged angry children , rattled the ceiling . The fat man with angry black paws didn 't move . Underdog wasn 't the first person to die in front of me , or the last . This one event couldn 't possibly come close to bad , but seeing that man 's huge bulky form laying there while blood seeped out made me question myself . Sickness hit me and my stomach rolled . One hand came up to help hold back oncoming barf . The sensation stayed while breath came in short shallow gasps . I swallowed then responded to stretchy arm 's attempted reassurances , " One hundred and ten percent pure freaked out right now . " " Can you access the stairs to assist in helping these people ? My team is in here somewhere , and so is the group we were fighting , two more as bad or worse than Underdog . I need you to escort these people to safety . " " The stairs are really far away , " I pointed to my left and back slightly towards where Cindy 's body lay . We had almost made it . We had been so close to , reaching somewhere . I kept up the short breaths . , then the shaking hit . " No , I 've been unable to approach them . Any attempts are derailed by those less fortunate . When I glance away , the stairs vanish . The distortion in this pocket reality is very strong . If you can access them you must get these people away while I check on Star Wraith and other survivors , " he put all the work back on me with half a speech . Something about his speech felt clunky and formal . At least the man stayed calmer than I felt . " Star Wraith ? Is that a fire starter ? " I asked in order to focus on something else . Her name was new but star had to be a fire , thingy . These powered people weren 't ones I knew from my excessive travels . Replaying the events in my mind didn 't help me calm down , but I could answer the man 's question . Underdog 's lumbering form as he walked down the hall had been full of fresh fire signs . I pointed to the charred flesh on the deceased then said , " She was burning him while you ran through the rooms . " " Alright . I 've must see if she 's okay . Sir , if you 're able to view the exit , then it 's your duty to get these people to safety . " He didn 't ask why I could see the exit or approach the stairs . I mean , it was obvious to me . The Hostess wanted me to exit and freedom lay downward , but really this guy looked too trusting . What if I was a shape shifting sponge who could turn into a rail thin man that got pushed around constantly ? Clearly that disguise would have served me well until another truck of a fist hit the next offender . My lips tightened and cheeks pulled back . After a moment I sighed then nodded . I said , " I 'll get them to the stairs , or at least try . " He had asked nicely after all . The man 's chin stuck out even further as he stared at me seriously . His gaze made me take a deep breath and nearly roll my eyes . Finally the dude with the arm , whose name I didn 't want to ask for or recognize from other places , nodded . One large thumb gestured back towards the crowd waiting sheepishly nearby . They looked lost . I hated the dazed and confused . I mean , I got it , the first few times you 're involved with superheroes can be exciting , or terrifying . You 're torn between pissing yourself and trying to be a hero next to some guy who sounds inspiring . " Take care of them , stick to the walls , and stay low . That 's the greatest advice I can give . " The man wasted no more time and started hustling down the hallway where Underdog had marched in from . " Hey , " I yelled at him . He paused to look at me with eyebrows drawn together . " It won 't be pretty that way . " No matter what Underdog had called it . That psychopath 's brand of beauty should revolt the morally upstanding what 's - his - face hero down the hall . The man 's forehead wrinkled briefly but he merely nodded and said , " It never is . " Then whoever with the arms was gone around a corner . His footsteps faded in and out from floors above and other rooms . That conflict probably ended poorly for Star Wraith . With the way space distorted in this hotel I couldn 't say for sure what , or when , they might find each other . I wondered briefly , as he made his dash to rescue a comrade , how much conflict he had seen verses my own history . Which of us had more ? Had I been justified to simply give up and let madness happen ? " I hope you 're friend 's still alive , " I whispered then shook my head . Being positive wasn 't in my nature . A superhero group chasing villains had probably ended up in here because of me . I stared at Underdog 's body once more and thought about what standing up to him had accomplished . The crazy man died because I made him pause long enough to be sucker punched through walls . Fighting against the odds felt , better , and harder . In this one instance it had been easier too . At least my breathing was better . Hunger turned me weak but that would be fixed eventually . I had no crackers or drug laced mushrooms to feast upon . The other people approached and looked exactly like most scared people did . Lost mindsets displayed on all of them with hands and legs drawn close . They huddled next to each other but gave me a small bubble . The obsessive person held two hats in from of him then stared . His face screwed up in a whimper which I politely ignored by turning around . There lay Cindy , still lifelessly staring at a wall . I walked over and carefully lifted her up . Despite the earlier weakness my body had enough strength for this again . A little rest and break in my sanity had done wonders . My knees bent and arms got under her leaden body . She felt lighter after death than before . Their varied responses caused a sigh to escape . Heavy footsteps shook the ceiling . There was a smell that hit my nose as I remembered the other thing dead people did . They let it go , all of it . The scent didn 't come from Cindy , she had probably eaten less than I did , but Underdog back down the hall was another story . " Stay here then , live out your glorious last few minutes surrounded by hats or fucking the goat back there . " I gestured with my elbow and two people actually looked . There was a goat calmly standing in one of the doors eating wooden framework . " I barely have enough strength to lift one person and otherwise I would use my overwhelming physical size to throw you down the stairs . " They exchanged glances . A few muttered to each other . One person glared as yet another flipped mee off and threw something questionable . If it weren 't for being asked I might have just left . It wasn 't me wanting their deaths , but at the same point I was run down and barely functional . Both shoulders tried to lift in a shrug . But the weight in my arms hindered the motion . I had no clue but pretended , " Form a line , someone in front grab onto me , then hold hands . I 'll walk down the stairs . Even if you can 't see them , we should be okay if we stay connected . " " Are you sure ? " a bald shorter woman asked . She had one wig clasped in her hands and looked up at me . It took me a moment to get past the lack of eyebrows . She didn 't look obsessed like the others but still felt off . And yeah , you 're right . I was in no goddamn place to judge . If the television had been working still in my room maybe I would never have left . I have , had , standards . The thought of a dead woman and more names to the list kept me from going into other people 's rooms to find more drivel from cable . A line formed behind me . Two different people grabbed onto my ratty shirt . They trail of us going down the stairs started out loud and , as our spiraling precision went down too many floors , the sound grew quieter . I didn 't look back because I didn 't know how to solve the problem surely occurring . If you can 't tell from how I describe in , then here 's the short version . People from our little party were getting lost or letting go . The pressure of a dozen footsteps stomping along became less with each twist while Cindy 's dead body grew heavier . Maybe it didn 't matter , because more people were fighting below . At times I could see the people behind me and the line seemed in constant flux . As I turned the last set of stairs a lobby grander than any I recalled upon entry became visible . The ceiling sat a good forty feet in the air . Arches spanned end to end while the chandeliers that had surely hung from above were shattered on the ground . I turned to see who had survived our journey down the stairs . One short bald woman stared at me , along with a man finally bereft of hats . They both could barely raise their eyes . " None of the other 's stayed with us , " the woman with a wig answered a question I couldn 't even voice . " Just us . I don 't know how you stayed strong . There were so many things on those floors . So many things , I almost turned around . I thought I saw my aunt and , numbers that would have made me rich . " " I saw my ex - girlfriend . She actually yelled at me , " the hat man looked back up the stairwell . His eyes were unfocused and mouth moving slowly . " She said it was her fault we didn 't work , and that she wanted to make it work again . The things I gave up for her - " he trailed off . They were so lost looking . Neither one made direct eye contact . Both kept talking half steps back up . Their desires were understandable , but neither carried the weight of Cindy 's dead body . That kept me moving forward . I turned and descended down to the final portion of stairs . Two different sets of steps met to form a grand stairwell downward . Red carpet lined the foyer , or whatever the hell it was . At their joining stood our hostess wearing a frown . Her layers of fluffy clothes looked smudged in spots , with the barest hint of scorch marks along a hem . She stared down the last twenty steps with one hand held up . " This behavior is very disconcerting , " the hostess continued her stern frown at the crowd going crazy . Her hand held on to a simple wine glass that was filled to the brim with pink liquid . We stood there watching the crowd as the woman downed entire mouthfuls but the glass stayed full . " Hello . " I looked at the woman for a moment . Her response was to raise an eyebrow and shake her head . She acted aware of my presence but didn 't offer assistance . " Is there a safe way for these two to get out of here ? " I asked . " The problem , Mister Millard , is that none of them actually wish to leave . They find too much they desire in here . Early releases are difficult to push forward , despite our efforts . " She gestured with the glass of wine wildly and not a drop spilled out . I stared at it , her , and the grand double doorway on the far side of destruction . Stretch , or whomever , had found his way down here along with the flame haired lady from earlier . They fought against two people that looked like ten foot tall living shadows . Some tiny figure kept dashing around rapidly but they moved too fast . I think the small one had bunny ears . " A woman who say 's the exit is over there , " I nodded past a wall of growing chaos . Both of the people who had survived our descent downward were stuck with hands gripping the railing . They looked up still and seemed oblivious of the people battling below . " Is there another way ? " the bald one said . Her voice sounded off , and when I turned around to see both of them lifting their heads towards the floors above . " I say we take the servants exit , " the man without hats spoke while staring up . " Maybe there 's something we can get to help . This place has something we can use , right ? I should go look , it will only take a moment . " They both paused then grew glassy eyed . I stood there with a dead body and a dumbfounded look . How on earth were they so enthralled with hats , wigs , and ex - girlfriends ? Had I missed some important in the grand scheme of life ? I asked the hostess with her toastess , " Can 't you kick them out , or bring the door over here ? This place , you control it right ? " Being sarcastic right now felt wrong . Those two annoyed me but carrying a dead body made me a bit more careful with the word choice . " That is the door . " Her arm tightened back in carefully and refused to extend out that far again . " We can only show guests the path , not push them through . Everyone must leave as they entered , by choice , knowing full well they were crossing a threshold into something different . " I remembered seeing the armor standing up tall and an empty lobby . This room down here looked nothing like the one from before . Nothing in the place stayed in the right shape and most of the time felt dreamlike . Here did feel different , and I had known it would be . " That is not a service we can provide , especially in your case . Our standard practices are to move onto a more firm form of encouragement . Pain is a great and terrible motivator . Memory fades , as does the lesson taught by its sting . Perhaps it would have been best to do so immediately , but desire overrides caution . For now most of my power is being diverted to containment . " She tilted back the glass and gulped down even more . " So here we are . Bedlam , and so few paying head to the exit , then those that do leave are replaced . " Her speech went on forever . The two behind me started walking back up the stairs slowly . I blinked a few times but couldn 't bring myself to shout at them . If they wanted to give in to some other dimensional sirens call then what the hell could I do about it ? Maybe she was right in a sense . " Can you stop them ? " I asked while watching the hatless man reach down to pick up sometime from a stair . The delay only made him pause for a moment before he started moving back up the steps . " Can you do anything useful ? Save anyone ? " I almost asked her if she had a magic wand tucked up under those robes that might be more useful . The thought made recall thsoe two mole queens and a sour taste hit my mouth . That made me pause . In my experience there were only two types of people who said that kind of stuff . The first could be classified as idiots . They said all sorts of stuff , knew next to nothing , and often fucked things up when everyone was looking the other way . Second to that were people that had real jobs letting everyone else sleep soundly . Those were the ones that often were trying to prevent worse beings from fucking up the program , like the idiots in category one . What few fit into group two were scary , had huge amounts of power they often were required to use for their roles in life . Next lesson , don 't fuck with those in group two . " Were another soul to question , we might not answer , but there are so few true immortals in the world . " The hostess glanced over at me and lifted the wine glass again . This time she did not drink but held still , sniffing at its contents . " To you we will provide a response . We are caretaker to a place of hunger . We are a fence around its depths . We use the obsessions of others as fuel , thereby freeing them of urges and chaining an endless maw . " She smiled with her cheeks only . Both eyes still looked dark and empty . Below us the heroes and their enemies still waged war . Parts of the landscape reconstructed with each blast making most of the damage surficial . Heroes occasionally herded out people . I saw the bald lady , who I swore had gone upstairs , come out one of the side rooms while a woman wielding fire protected her . I shook my head and tried not to let the air throw me off . Breathing felt easier but my arms were leaden and both knees had started to lock . This place was fucking insane , even for me . To top it off , next to me stood a queen of otherworldly power casually drinking and generally not trying to enslave my soul . " Look down there . A multitude of those with power fight each other yet get nowhere . They perform a dance where no one really wins . Let this example remind you that power itself means nothing without the will to exercise it . " I tried to keep my barring . People kept shuffling around below in a manner which resembled organized chaos . Two entered then two more left . Someone got hit by a blast and looked hurt , then reappeared moments later being perfectly fine . Did I listen to Ted and just roll with this insanity ? In this case yes , so maybe the crazy man 's advice had " Oh , I have plans . This guy I know suggested being a reporter , he 's not exactly the most stable guy though . I kind of planned on going with that for a while . I figure my winning personality would do well on television . " " Immortals rarely have such mundane callings . You carry ghosts , and it is our suggestion that whatever step you take next , release yourself of their weight before the burden causes you to make an unwise choice . " She paused and looked thoughtful with every part of her face but the dead eyes . " Take for example , the list you mutter to yourself while restless . It is quite long . We had intended through this with you once you felt rested enough to move on , but alas your curse is too strong to properly delay for one such as myself . " That sounded typical . My own powers had trumped everything so far and kept me alive in shit that shouldn 't have been survivable . In that estimate Ted was dead on . " Fat lot of help that is . I , " was being sarcastic again and had to rewind myself . " I don 't know how to do either one . Report , or stop thinking about those caught up in my wake . " " It is possible you carry their weight , perhaps because no one has told the story of their last moments . Express yourself , and bleed the pus so that you might heal and stop festering . With painting , perhaps . " The hostess had a point . Ted 's floating camera device was both somehow still functional and floating along behind me . It looked uncaring while switching between both watching me and the carnage ongoing below . I started to put it together then . Finally , at long last I started to see a way to do both things . I could both record the action , interview people , and most of all , tell the story of people 's final moments in a way that might reach their bereaved . The glass itself swished around as she studied our ongoing mess . Most of them were powered people forming pockets and fighting while the stairs seemed strangely devoid of action . People died , people came in from the grand double doors , but very few actually left . " You have the tools you need Mister Millard , you and the floating device you brought with you . Air your guilt , inform the survivors , hold a wake , paint , mayhap those tasks merged will be enough to let you sleep soundly at night . As much as one in your role ever may . " The woman tipped back her never ending stream of liquid for another solid gulp . " And should you decide that is your route , then kindly exit our domicile . Your presence is having a negative effect on the recovery and safety of our other guests . " " Yes . " She wrinkle her nose then sniffed . Two dead looking eyes stared towards me for the first time in our entire conversation . " Kindly see yourself to the door and get the fornication out , post haste . " In general nearly everyone staying at the hotel returns to the world they left with a changed outlook . In most cases this can be removing an addiction o obsession , or looking at the world with a new light . Not all outcomes are positive , and occasionally uninvited guests show up at the Hotel . There are two websites dedicated purely to survival stories of this location , and they nearly idolize the Dame for the changes their stay have caused . Dame Latrice has exactly one heir still alive in the world . If she ever passes on from her role , the powers , mantel , and responsibility for keeping an otherworldly horror in check will fall to that person . This is the same method by which she inherited the role as the Hotel 's lone living employee - four months after she had become a mother . Taking on the role forced her to abandon her child and husband . Occasionally she will use the hotel 's powers to peer into the rooms of various orphanages as it reminds her of times long forgotten . The man 's forehead wrinkled briefly but he merely nodded and said , " It never is . " Then whoever with the arms was gone around a corner . His footsteps faded in and out from floors above and other rooms . That conflict probably ended poorly for Star Wraith . With the way space distorted in this hotel I couldn 't say for sure what , or when , they might find each other . I hope you 're friend 's still alive - > you 're should be your . Also is " friend 's " supposed to be plural ? It makes sense if it is , but he had mentioned a team so I 'm wondering if you were just referring to Star Wraith there . Reply frustratedego says : September 20 , 2016 at 6 : 19 am Thank you for the edits . I 'll nudge the wife and see if she can take a break from promotion to do an editing pass . We 've both learned a lot from the professional editing , so she has other points to get on me about I 'm sure . frustratedego says : September 20 , 2016 at 6 : 21 am You 're right , it looks like an extra line added in there . This scene took me a bit to write and things were missed . Friend is was my intent but many parts of grammar are beyond me . It should have been just Star Wraith . LikeLike Frustrated FeedContinue Online Part 1 FREE from 6 / 21 - 6 / 25 + get Whispersync ! June 21 , 2017 FREE 6 / 21 - 6 / 25 Hi all ! Just wanted to let you know it 's that time again ! The first book of Continue Online is free + if you get it for free you still qualify to get the reduced audio / Whispersync for it ! Also the second book of Continue Online is only $ 0 . 99 on both Amazon . com and Amazon UK from [ … ] FelissaElySummer Special : LEGACY ( The Biodome Chronicles # 1 ) $ 0 . 99 ! June 20 , 2017Worlds collide when a hacker from the near - future decodes a shocking death inside a psychological game of survival . Siblings born and raised inside an earth - based experimental Mars biodome have only known a rustic medieval life rich in traditions and chivalry . Groomed by The Code , they have built a sustainable community devoid of Outsider interference - - unti [ … ] frustratedegoMy ' failed ' wide experiment : update on Royal Scales series June 16 , 2017Hey all ! So it 's a bummer - it is what it is - and I 'm ultimately happy with having tried the ' wide experiment . ' Why ? Because if nothing else , we garnered a couple new reviews ( favorable which is nice , but we like getting any and all reviews even if they might hurt ) my favorite one coming from a lovely blogger , [… ] FelissaEly FrustratedEgo Stories Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . 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WARNING : The opinions expressed and linked to in this blog are not necessarily mine ( anymore ) . My ideas are constantly changing as I learn . Sometimes they even change midway through writing a post . Sunday , December 26 I 've been re - reading the introduction , " Sources of Knowledge and of Ignorance " , from Conjectures and Refutations by Karl Popper . I think it 's a useful perspective to think about how ignorance can actually be created , generated , or encouraged by particular ideas . It seems that sometimes an idea can both help to generate lots of knowledge growth and ignorance at the same time . Popper starts off by talking about the idea that Truth is Manifest . In other words , truth , although possibly difficult to unveil is " obvious " . This contributed to knowledge growth by giving people new hope that knowledge of truth was open to human reason . It contributed to ignorance somewhat indirectly . Sometimes people didn 't see the " truth " as obvious . One explanation for this failure to see the obvious was a sinful nature - that people were actively refusing to see truth . As I remember it , Popper further discusses the problem with this belief and how it contributes to ignorance . I look forwad to reading the rest very much . I 've thought a lot about various career fields over the years and still have yet to find anything that really holds my interest for long . I can get totally absorbed in a subject and trying to solve some problem about it at times , but once the problem 's solved , I 'm sick of the subject . I 've decided to approach this from a different direction . Instead of looking for something to interest me , I 'm now attempting to interest myself in something and keep myself interested in it . Programming AIs is one possibility that I 've mentioned before . I 'm told there 's not much money in it and it 's rather tedious . That 's definitely a danger signal , but maybe there 's some angle or aspect of it that really would hold my interest . I have managed to stay interested in learning and how it works for a long time without much effort . It seems related to modeling the mind , so I decided to start browsing in that area first . One of the first sites I found was CogNews . It 's where I found out about the " Lying " article . All of the headlines looked appealing , so that 's a good sign . I 'll be curious to see how well this approach works . Posted by The real story is that Lying Makes the Brain Work Harder . It fits with my experience . When I was a child , I 'd get myself into all kinds of trouble by telling the truth . My parents and teachers didn 't understand why I didn 't try to get away with things . I didn 't know how to explain it at the time , but it just didn 't occur to me to lie . It was wrong , it took lots of effort to do it , and I tended to not be believed . Posted by Tom Robinson | Email | 12 . 21 . 04 - 4 : 01 am | # Originally , I was wondering about these ideas because I found it difficult to put into words for a small child . Saying something like , " It 's wrong to steal " , might not be enough information . Saying , " If you steal , someone might get upset and want to hurt you for taking their things " , isn 't really enough either . A child might think otherwise when they are not caught or when people don 't punish or hurt them for it . ( At least , not the way they might an adult . ) It felt to me like something was missing from both explanations . It seemed to me that one ought to be able to make a much more convincing argument . I am familiar with this theory - how going against principles of goodness hurts oneself - from Objectivism . I think the idea was that there 's only so much of reality that one can keep in mind , so having rules or principles that cover what to do in a large number of situations is good . Working out when to steal and when not to steal is much more difficult and time consuming than simply having a rule not to steal . One could then focus all that time and energy on a way of getting what one wants in other ways that don 't involve the risks of either being caught or harming a person unintentionally . In a way , it 's deciding to focus on better things . I got an interesting email on this subject a while back and really liked the direction it took . I had been using an example of more extreme uses of force , like killing someone : I thought it might be because , at best , people need good relationships with others around them to be happy . So if an individual uses force , even without being found out , then they will know at some level that they have damaged another person . Even if they attacked someone they would never see again then the knowlegde that they were capable of an act like this would still affect their other relationships . Knowing this deadens sensitivity in their important relationships . This still doesn 't explain how one would discuss this with a small child , but it 's a bit easier to get started if one is clear on the ideas involved . Posted by I have been pretty busy and tired the last few days , but I wanted to post something so I started digging through old drafts to see if I could turn them into something . I really thought I 'd shared these comments before , but I can 't find them . Either I never remembered to post them to the blog or it 's been so long that I can 't remember . They seem like interesting ideas , so I thought I 'd go ahead and post them . I had been asking , basically , why an individual shouldn 't be " selfish " whenever they could " get away with it " . Maybe because the growth of any human individual is invested to some extent in the growth of everyone else on the planet . Goodness is like money , it grows as it spreads . One person being hurt causes the creativity of the whole planet to go downn a little immediately , and more as the hurt is spread . I particularly like this response . Somehow it sounds more serious and important to think that one is either increasing or decreasing the creativity of the planet . A society is made up of individuals . It seems arbitrary to ignore the rest of the society . . . so long as you live within one , you need to take it into account . Within that framework , I don 't see how you can disregard the fact that initiation of force is simply not good for YOU , regardless of actual repercussions . The sort of post - apocalyptic every - man - for - himself society that would create is not a place anyone strives to live . After all the hours I spent leveling a character in DAOC , I was amused to find that people were paying up to $ 300 for a virtual character . It seemed silly to miss out on the experience of leveling . Thinking back on it , though , the leveling stopped being fun in itself early on . After that , most of the fun was in exploring the game and interacting with people . There were some activities ( relic raids ) that weren 't really possible until a character was completely leveled . If one considered the number of hours it took to get to level 50 , the amount of time one would save might be well worth the money . Paying $ 26 , 500 for virtual land , though , seems a bit excessive . Then again , it seems that the purchaser is already getting tenants and might make back the money in the long run . Also , if the person can afford $ 26 , 500 to play a game , maybe he doesn 't really need my advice anyways . I have sometimes thought that video games might someday take the place of sports . I 'm not sure if that 's the case , but I don 't know that even the best season tickets for a football team cost as much as that virtual land . Posted by I used to think I hated cooking . It was boring and repetitive . I was sick of it . I wished I never had to cook . Then one day I realized that on occassion , I really did like cooking . I liked cooking when I was making something new and it turned out well , or I at least came up with some good ideas for making it turn out well next time . Still , there 's a risk involved with experimenting . It might not be edible and then I 've spent time , used up food , and am likely still hungry . Today , as I was cutting up cheese into sticks for a child , I got to thinking that it might be nice to have cheese sticks ( cheese fried in a sort of batter ) . I hesitated , though . I had lots of other things to do that seemed important . I 've attempted to make them from scratch a few times and hadn 't been very happy with them . I thought it might end up being a lot of time used up doing something piddly and unimportant instead of good , useful things . I talked this over with a friend who asked some questions about them . What are cheese sticks ? How are they made ? Usually , I cut up all the sticks . I get a bowl of flour , one of milk , and one of egg . I season the flour and cut up the cheese . Then the cheese sticks all get dipped in milk and flour . Nex , I put them all in egg and then flour . Finally , I fry them all . Somehow , the flour always ends up sliding off and some of the cheese escapes and gets fried too . They 're still pretty tasty and edible , but they 're just not as pretty as the ones you can get in restaurants . I had shown this same friend how to make chicken nuggets one day and was amazed at how he went about becoming a chicken - nugget - frying expert . He tried it without eggs , with bread crumbs , with different seasonins , with differing amounts of oil . He 'd do a few at a time in different ways to find the ways that worked better . He still hadn 't quite found something like my favorite HEB chicken tenders , but he managed to get some very good ones . He 'd also figured out a lot about what did and didn 't work . I thought of this and realized that maybe I could change the recipe too , but I wasn 't sure I wanted to stand around cooking for that long with possibly bad results . He suggested I do a few at a time and stop if I wasn 't enjoying it anymore . It sounded a lot more promising that way . No huge waste of time plus some better ideas for making it work . I suspected the milk might be part of the problem . The flour just doesn 't stick to it well . I didn 't particularly want to deal with eggs either . I settled on mixing the flour and seasonings together and adding milk until it was something like a thick pancake batter . I messily coated ONE cheese stick and fried it . It didn 't look anything like the restaurant cheese sticks . It was flatter and smoother , like a pancake , and the cheese came out a little on the sides so that it looked a bit more like a toasty cheese sandwich finger . It tasted really nice . I thought I might experiment more with the pancake style since it seemed promising . I experimented strictly with varying batter thicknesses . I had a great time doing it . It wasn 't boring and repetitive . It was more like an interesting science experiment that I could eat . I have some ideas for next time - using egg , bread crumbs , baking powder , different seasonings . At some point , I 'll probably come up with some really nice ones and want to make them again . I 've often experimented with . It seems so " obvious " . Why didn 't I think of it ? It 's something I run into a lot . I can be flexible and creative , but it doesn 't seem to happen enough to be really useful . It seems easier to move onto something easier or seemingly more important . Then again , I 've noticed a decided improvement in creativity when I systematically LOOK for a solution . It didn 't occur to me to look for a better way to make that food right then . Maybe because I didn 't think it was important . As it turns out , though , it was VERY important . It inspired a lot of learning - about cooking cheese sticks , cooking in general , and generating creativity . I think writing helped with this quite a bit too . When a friend send me a link to www . theory . org . uk Resources : Media Effects and I knew the friend tended to think that media is good for children , I thought it was " just another article " about how media affects children . I have a habit of not finishing articles like that because , I think I know what they 're going to say , and I 'm not interested in more of the same . I looked at the introduction and then didn 't finish the article . I bookmarked it , though , because I thought that maybe I shouldn 't assume I knew what it said and sometime when I wasn 't feeling inspired about a particular topic , it could be good to read and think about again . I 'm glad I did because it actually does have something new to say about it . Wow ! I hadn 't realized how the difference in approaches matters . I am surprised by the results a little . I thought that TV likely had NO correlation and certainly didn 't " cause " violence . Even if there were some sort of correlation , it wouldn 't be right to treat TV watching as a cause since it could just be an effect caused by the same factors that actually do cause or contribute to people being violent . For example , an uninvolved parent might lead to emotional problems and also leave the child with more time to sit and watch tv . TV watching could simply be a neutral other effect of uninvolved parenting . The results of this study are very interesting . I wonder what explanation there might be for violent teenagers watching less tv . I think what I 've learned from this is to read the wording of things more carefully . A slight shift in wording can significantly change the meaning of something . When I found the telegraph article , I also ran across Occam 's Toothbrush . * smile * I love the title . I 'm a fan of Occam 's Razor . Roughly , it 's the idea that if you have two theories about the truth and you aren 't sure which is right , the simpler one is better . There are complicated arguments for it that I don 't remember right off . I think it can be misleading , though , because sometimes the truth is complex . Then again , it might be easier to knock out simpler false ideas if they 're wrong . A toothbrush , though , reminds me of something else . I love digging through ideas to find the core ones that are essential and true . It brings to mind this image of a giant toothbrush scrubbing away the grime and uncovering the truth , err tooth . * self amused giggle * ( Did I mention I love puns ? Even almost puns ? ) I 'm feeling particularly interested and inspired about the subject of morality lately . When I was a teenager and contemplating becoming an atheist , I worried that becoming an atheist would mean that I wouldn 't be moral . I thought I could just live according to the Bible , but I wasn 't sure it would be very inspirational if I thought it wasn 't true . I 'd have to figure out what parts were true or not . I wondered what would make a good morality . I thought that an ideal world might be one where each individual was responsible for himself - for taking care of himself and doing right - and any " extra " energy / time they had could be used to help people who had genuine hardships with meeting their basic needs . It was a slightly different focus than the heavy push I got to " help people " when I was a child . I thought each person had the responsibility to do their best for themselves , economically , without expecting help . Giving help ( I meant monetary ) should only be for those with a genuine hardship - physical or mental handicaps . I think now that people can also have moral idea handicaps . They might be so impoverished of knowledge of good that , although it seems like they are resisting good , it 's actually the case that they don 't even know what it is . Even if they do have some idea of what it is , they are totally lacking in the knowledge of how to do it . They can 't sacrifice - they don 't want to hurt themselves - and they don 't know how to think of good as not a sacrifice but as so exciting and good and fun to do that nothing actually is a sacrifice . ( By sacrifice , I mean feeling that one has forced oneself to do something ) . Posted by " Violence is not to be undertaken by private persons , " he said . " If a state or administration acts without due and visible attention to agreed international process , it acts in a way analogous to a private person . It purports to be judge of its own interest . " Who should judge what 's in one 's best interests ? My best guess would be oneself although it might be good to consult good / better people one knows about this . When it comes to violence within America , though , when and where to use it has been mutually agreed to be best decided by an independent jury . The " necessity " for violence is determined by an impartial jury and carried out by a select few who are also constrained by laws and culture to deal out forceful or violent means of stopping badness . One benefit , I think , is to allow most people to generally avoid violent behavior and focus on doing better things . It also allows those permitted to use violence in the prevention of badness to become very skilled at both violence and at using the least violent methods of stopping badness . This really struck me when I was starting a new job a while back and the security person spoke to the new group of employees I was with . While watching some video footage of various shoplifters and of the security team forcefully restraining people , he mentioned the care required and that he happily applied to NOT injuring or harming the person . This put him at greater risk , but he seemed pleased that this was part of the job . It amazed me how this person who spent his days looking for badness in people and trying to stop it seemed to feel a genuine sort of kindness toward even the people who would have harmed him . I thought it was a good thing . It seems that even people who make their honest living with violence are finding ways to avoid it . Posted by When I was a child , I thought it was obvious that one should try to do good . I wasn 't quite sure , though , what it really meant to be good . I was told the Bible explained how to be good and that it was written by God . I asked how we know whether the Bible was written by God , and I was told . . . the Bible says so . I didn 't find this very convincing . I thought that before I could do good , I had to figure out what was true . I think now that giving myself this task was misleading . There 's a lot of information out there to sort through and a lot of it doesn 't actually have much to do with goodness . It might be useful to good people , but I think it 's a tool , not an end in itself . I think the task should have been a much narrower one - to find out the truth about what it was to be good . Of course , in my pursuit of knowledge , I kept my eyes open for ideas about good , but I wasn 't very broad in my search and stumbled into the first alternative suggestion I came across - Objectivism . To quote Ayn Rand , the founder of the philosophy : " My philosophy , in essence , is the concept of man as a heroic being , with his own happiness as the purpose of his life , with productive achievement as his noblest activity , and reason as his only absolute . " Actually , before that , I had acted as if what I read in the Bible was mostly true . When I was 10 or so , I wanted to do something really good with my life - to help people . I wanted people to all get along and cooperate about helping each other . I thought that no person was born bad and anyone , if treated right , could learn to be good . I wasn 't sure what it was , but I thought it was very important to figure out some way of helping people to be better to each other in general . I thought maybe I should write a book about it . I didn 't know what ideas I would need to write such a book . I also thought a good person wouldn 't hold onto material things that others could benefit from using . I had a hard time with this part of being good . My family was pretty poor , and I was often hungry . Not that I starved , but I had a big family , and since I ate rather slowly , I didn 't often get a second helping . I was thin , but not unhealthy . I wondered if it would be good still , if I wrote a great book that helped lots of people AND made plenty of money , would it be ok to keep enough of the money to enjoy myself . . . to have foods I liked and nicer clothes and ac ( I grew up here in Austin , Texas , where most consider air conditioning a " necessity " ) . Anyway , back to the story , err . . point . I was trying to get at the idea that aimless knowledge seeking can be a distraction from doing what 's good . I 'm a bit tired and having trouble focusing on this subject now , but I 'm sure I 'll get back to it soon . I 've been working on programming a bit , and I think I might like to get into AI programming . I 'm a very beginner on the subject and not a very experienced programmer and feeling a bit overwhelmed by the mountain of stuff I need to learn to actually do anything useful . Piddling in writing Hello World just seems so far from real programming . It was fun when I managed to make a really simple blog program that was connected to a database . I had some help with that , though , and I didn 't fully understand all of what I was doing . I 've been trying to go back and study basics more before attempting another bigger project . I was hoping that browsing around and reading about the subject would inspire me more . I found this Java AI page , but I think it made me feel even more overwhelmed . Maybe I need to do a bit of heavier programming every day to keep feeling like I 'm actually getting somewhere . It 's just that I 'm such a perfectionist , I want my projects to have some brilliant design before I start . Then I never start . I 've been thinking maybe breaking apart some more complex programs would be fun and interesting . I could modify it to do something slightly different and learn a lot and actually make it DO something useful . But first . . . I think I need to go outside and run about in . . err , I mean rake some leaves . . . * smile * My real life is stranger than fiction . Ok , maybe not , but it 's crazier . Anyways , I haven 't had much time to focus on writing . I 've been thinking plenty trying to work through solutions to my problems . I 've come to realize over time that I 'm very prone to getting discouraged and giving up on problems . Never definitely attempting to actually solve them . I 've been working out strategies for keeping going . There are multiple things that can instantly boost my mood and make me feel encouraged - warm hugs , working in the yard , listening to music , singing , taking a long bubble / salt bath , doing various tasks that I 've been putting off . I realized yesterday that I 'd been neglecting the music and singing part quite a bit , so I reset up winamp and have been listening to music . It 's been great . I can 't resist singing along loudly and making my voice crack . It 's really annoying to me that I 've finally worked out that I can sing ( ok , so I need lots of practice , but it 's possible for me , with lots of practice , to sing pleasantly ) , but I can 't seem to sing loudly or for very long without wearing out my voice . I hope it 's just a matter of needing to warm up and practice more . I don 't have time to do a lot of steady practicing right now . Anyways , it 's amazing how a bit of music can make even the worst problems seem solvable . I 'm listening to one of my favorites for singing . " Answer " , by Sarah McLachlan . I do ok at it , I think . Unfortunately , my recording set up got all messed up when XP was installed on my ' puter , so I can 't make one right now . It could be fortunate , too , because I have a hard time with a few notes and my voice gets squeaky on them . It seems romantic and melodramatic in a way , but I think that sort of stuff inspires me at times . I need all the encouragement I can get lately . Here 's the lyrics : In browsing through my blog , I noticed something in the Brats ! post that bothered me . I suggested that the people spending their time venting about " breeders " and " brats " would do better to encourage people to become parents not breeders . I think I missed explaining the point of the site and also failed to mention a particular problem I have with their views . First , the point of the site , it seems , is to complain about the idea that people generally " expect " to have children and expect other people to have children . I think I can agree with that part of it . I think people shouldn 't assume they 're going to have children but should only do so after carefully considering and preparing for being parents ( for example , they should have a nice chunk of money in the bank and have spent time working with children ) . That 's not what I did , but hey , hindsight 's 20 / 20 . I think it 's reasonable to want people to be a bit more sensitive about people who don 't have children . Second , I think the posters have some wrong ideas about what they should be able to expect from other people and what should be expected of them . It doesn 't matter what their opinion is about whether certain people should have children or not . It does matter that the children exist , are relatively innocent , and that it is good to help and be patient with innocents . Regardless of what it says in the FAQ , some of the people on the site seem to have more compassion for animals than young humans . I think one of the things that especially bothered me about the site was the snearing at the suggestion that " children are the future " . Ok , so maybe it gets overused , but that doesn 't make it false . Posted by DAOC is modelled after D & D , but with 3d animation and the computer to calculate hit points , armor factors , damage , etc . You choose a character , its attribute points , appearance , race , and type . Then you take the character out to kill beasts and monsters . Killing beasts gets you skill points and gets them to drop little trinkets that you can either use or sell . You can then use the money to buy armor , weapons , or even equipment to " make " your own armor and weapons . With enough skill points , you " level " and become a bit stronger , smarter , faster , skilled at fighting , and / or skilled at casting spells . Another important option in the game is to form groups with other characters . Groups can take on much stronger beasts and monsters and get you skill points much faster . There are also areas of the game where you can fight against players of another realm . Each of the 3 realms has multiple keeps that can be raided and taken over . Each realm also has a special keep where it stores a few magical relics which give everyone in the realm some bonus abilities . To take such a keep involves hundreds of players all being coordinated to take over all the other keeps . There are extra non player guards at the special keep for every regular keep the realm holds , so it 's good to take the other keeps over first . My first character was an eldritch . I liked that my character could do massive damage from pretty far away . I didn 't like that I had very little in the way of hit points and a slight mistake meant instant death . I very much liked playing a druid . I liked being able to " help " other characters - by healing or casting spells to enhance their abilities . It could be easy or very tricky to play a druid , depending on what was going on . One had to balance keeping everyone alive with NOT drawing the attention of the beast or enemy or running out of power ( needed to cast spells of all kinds , healing or otherwise ) . Still , sometimes ( rarely ) , I found myself without a group or just wanting to be able to actually attack a beast . A druid couNext I tried out a champion . I didn 't know much about how to best roll out a character , so at first I wasn 't very effective . It was fun , though . I could take hits almost as well as a hero , I could hit hard / well enough to keep the beast 's attention on me ( and away from the spellcasters and healers ) , and I could cast some limited spells . Better yet , they were instant spells that I could cast even while moving . No waiting 2 to 4 seconds to cast a spell , and no having my spell cast interrupted by an attacking monster . I did a bit of research and then rolled out my champion , MoonPi . I made her look a bit like a prettier me - red hair and blue eyes , but she 's thinner and fitter than me . With some help , I eventually got her to level 50 ( highest level one can get with a character ) . Ok , here 's some really yucky stuff from that Brats ! page . " Well I had two sons with a long gap in between them . My first one had the terrible two 's tantrums , stomping of feet etc . , my younger child didn 't get a chance to do it . My mother was visiting and we were cleaning in the kitchen when number two son stood in the doorway and went to stamp his feet . My mother said " oh no you don 't , we had enough with your older brother young man , " and let him have it with a pan full of cold water right in his face . Some years ago , I was a regular reader of a parenting forum when a random stranger posted to criticize one of the members for having her dog put down ( killed , presumably with a drug to make it painless ) . One of the parents found a forum that the stranger frequented and we were a bit shocked about the content . It seemed to be all about how awful breeders ( parents ) and their brats ( children ) were ! ( I don 't remember if this is the same forum , but it looks like the same author / designer ) . Some of the parents posted angry messages and criticisms and got themselves banned from the forum . The bits that I initially read turned my stomach . I tend to have that reaction to the level of hatred and venom that I found at that site . However , I have an incredible curiosity when it comes to people whose views seem to be the opposite of mine . It fascinates me . I want to know how they could possibly think such a way . I 've found that the results are often surprising and interesting and that there are usually some real truths - often overlooked ones - behind such views . I tried to see things from their point of view . To avoid being banned while I satisfied my curiosity , I refrained from posting and did a lot of reading . One of the first things I read was some bit about " read this first " . It specifically outlined what was or was not allowed . From what I remember , technically , my very ideas prohibited me from even reading the forum . I didn 't think they could actually complain to my ISP for merely reading their site , and I didn 't think I was doing anything morally wrong by trying to understand them , so I read on . While I strongly disagreed with much of what such people had to say , I could see some legitimate grounds for complaint . I think a lot of people do become parents without really thinking it through and then go on to expect other people to help them ( public schools , welfare , etc . ) . Some parents also expect that other people won 't mind the tendency of some children to destroy / damage other people 's property and be inconsiderate ( noi " What I " hate " is the irrational expectation that all adult humans must adore all children , regardless of the facts and behavior of the child in question . " I never did get around to posting on it . I don 't now whether I could really get in trouble with my ISP for posting , but I didn 't want to find out . Also , I decided that I just didn 't really have the stomach for it . I don 't much like discussing or arguing with people who stick mean labels on other people instead of trying to understand and help them or to find some positive way to get their reasonable complaints understood . ( Like a campaign to encourage people to be PNB ) . Posted by I have what I think might be a slightly irrational fear of authority . It 's not just a fear of security personnel or people in positions of socially recognizable power . In fact , I can be oblivious to that at times . I think what commands this " fear " is a certain personality - the authoritarian . The one who is confident , in charge , and I can 't see anything wrong with what they 're saying . As a child , I tended to view most adults as authority . I figured even if they were mistaken sometimes , they had more experience and knowledge of the world than I , and I had much to learn from them . At some point , I began to notice that some adults seemed to have a set of rules they followed . They could be quite wrong ( in my opinion ) about something , but they were predictable in a way . Some adults just did whatever they felt like . Sometimes they stated or yelled about rules , but they didn 't follow any that I could recognize . They were unpredictable , dangerous , and , I thought , immoral . I respected a person who , although fallible , consistently did what they said they were going to do . If I acted in a way that conflicted with what they said was good , I could expect problems with them . If I didn 't , I could expect that they 'd leave me alone or even get along well with me . This didn 't make being forced to do certain things any more pleasant , but I think I found it comforting to know clearly what to expect . As a child , if I 'd been asked , I would have said that I preferred to be around the former type of person . The ones who were predictable . Since then , I 'd come to think a bit differently . Being consistent is no good if the person is consistently bad . An inconsistent person may well be working very hard at changing their ideas to better ones . They may be having difficulty working out how to act on these new ideas and make lots of mistakes . In other words , confidence and consistency does not mean a person is better or good at all . Unfortunately , if I relied on my " instincts " , I 'd tend to be persuaded by a person who is confident over one whoBecky Privacy International ( PI ) is a human rights group formed in 1990 as a watchdog on surveillance and privacy invasions by governments and corporations . PI is based in London , England , and has an office in Washington , D . C . PI has conducted campaigns and research throughout the world on issues ranging from wiretapping and national security , to ID cards , video surveillance , data matching , police information systems , medical privacy , and freedom of information and expression . A fellow at a pub in Frome ( Somerset , England ) mentioned an organization that was opposing the national ID cards in England . ( I just had to throw that bit about the pub in because it seems so cool and exotic and I don 't recall seeing a pub like that here in Austin ) . It seems that the organization is for protecting privacy in general . I was trying to find some way to make this related to my being back home . Then I remembered my little blunder at the airport in the UK . I set off the metal detector thing . The security guard said not to worry , asked me to hold my arms out , and proceeded to pat me down . As she was patting me down , I realized I had forgot to empty my pockets . She noticed but didn 't seem bothered about it . Later , I realized it was probably the little zipper thing on my change purse . Anyways , I 'm not sure what to think of that violation of privacy . Maybe the site will have some useful ideas about it . Posted by Ideas are powerful . True ideas can give great power to the people who hold them . True ideas combined with bad ideas can give people the power to do great harm . . . and great good simultaneously . I 've been puzzling over a couple of seemingly conflicting ideas lately . One is the idea that one should be cautious and try to DO NO HARM . The other is to DO GOOD . Of course , there 's always the risk that one is wrong about whether the doing is good or harmful . Some people seem to focus mostly on avoiding harm . Others prefer to do more with the argument that one can only learn more about what 's good by doing and either succeeding or by making mistakes and learning more about how to " do " better . They would view people who " avoid harm " by being more passive as somewhat bad since passiveness also possibly involves " failing to do good " . I think both theories are problematic . Some really awful things have been done in the name of doing good . It 's hard to think of them as being worth the risk of action - like millions of people being killed in the Soviet Union and Nazi Germany . On the other hand , what one might not " see " are all those who have lived and enjoyed their lives exactly because people have done good . Do such people have a right to that enjoyment and life at the expense of the pain , suffering and deaths of other people ? I suspect this question may be misleading , but I 've got too much to do right now to figure it out . More later . From what I 've been able to gather from reading , methyl isocyanate is a liquid at room temperature . Water mixed with the chemical creates a chemical reaction which involves a lot of heat and turns the liquid into gas - which is extremely hazardous / fatal to inhale . It seems that a large amount of water got piped / sent into a container of methyl isocyanate . The container was never designed to deal with such a chemical reaction and so leaked and exploded . The company claims that there were safety systems in place to keep water from ever mixing with the chemical and that the large amount of water that caused the accident can only have been introduced into the container deliberately ( sabotage ) . " The UCC sabotage theory did not explain how several other simultaneous failures contributed to the accident . In addition to water entry , there were failures in four safety devices - the vent gas scrubber , the flare tower , the refrigeration system , and the water spray . There were failures in design , operating procedures , and staffing , as described earlier . The positive - pressure systems in the MIC tanks had failed , four to eight weeks before the accident . The deliberate introduction of water into MIC storage tanks might have taken place without any intention to commit sabotage . A small quantity of water from pipe washing could have initiated the accident . Operators on duty might have been alarmed by the sight of a rumbling hot tank and could have introduced water to cool it . Such a scenario was hinted at by some witnesses and it accommodates most of the claims raised in the sabotage defence . " The scenario offered here does seem very plausible and reasonably fits with the company 's claims that the introduction of large amounts of water could only have been done deliberately and the criticisms about the company 's failure to maintain the equipment safely . If this is really what happened , then it was actually employees who were trying to contain the accident who actually multiplied the harmful effects and even possibly caused them ( perhaps the container would have been able to keep the gas , or at least more of the gas , from escaping with an introduction of a small amount of water but not with a large amount of water ) . This might still be considered the responsibility of the company - to educate its workers - at the very least to make sure its employees knew not to add water to methyl isocyanate ! Several years ago , I worked doing computer support and network administration for a company called Praxair . One day , during a discussion , I think about the dangerousness of some of the gasses / chemicals in the plant , a co - worker mentioned a particular gas that had some very gruesome and fast acting effects . He mentioned that it was what killed the people in Bhopal . He was surprised that I hadn 't heard of the incident and told me a bit more about it . Originally , the company had been part of a very large international corporation called Union Carbide . Thousands of people in Bhopal , India died when a poisonous gas leaked out into the nearby area . He said the gas wouldn 't have killed so many people if it weren 't for the fact that people had moved very nearby to take advantage of the company 's fence posts to stabilize their homes . It wasn 't actually legal for them to do so , but the company . . . whether out of pity or indifference . . . allowed it . He said after the incident , that the company had made a deal with India 's government paying millions of dollars in exchange for ending the corporation 's liability for the incident . Apparently , the amount of money wasn 't enough to help all the victims and clean up the area completely , so many people think it was a corrupt deal . The CEO of the company was in permanent hiding and the company had broken up into smaller parts and reorganized . Praxair was a large portion of the original company . At the time , I looked into the incident a bit online . I couldn 't immediately verify some of the information - like the bit about the people taking advantage of company property to make their homes or about the breakup of Union Carbide . ( I wondered if Praxair was actually still a part of it ) . Anyways , apparently Dec . 3rd is the 20th anniversary of the Bhopal incident . I was browsing around about it and found a few other interesting bits of information . Union Carbide is claiming that there was deliberate sabotage . The company who owned the plant was actually owned partly by Union Carbide ( slightly more than 50 % of the shares ) and the rest by the Indian government and other Indian shareholders . In the comments section of the BBC pages , a person complained about Indian people moving to the site deliberately in order to be able to make a claim . Another person mentioned that it was actually illegal for the people to live where they were ( at the time of the gas release ) , but the Indian government didn 't enforce it . First , there 's Yu - gi - oh . It actually came after Pokemon as far as I know , but I don 't feel like talking about Pokemon . There are literally hundreds of different Yu - gi - oh cards that a player can choose to use . Basically , though , there are 3 main types - monster , magic , and trap cards . Monsters have what equate to " hit points " for offense and defense and can also have special properties . Each player starts with 8000 Life Points and points are deducted and added to it during battles between monsters or by special properties of magic , trap , or monster cards . The object is to either make your opponent run out of cards or points or to draw all 5 cards of Exodia ( somewhat rare , so this is likely the most expensive approach ) . Anyways , it 's a fairly complicated and interesting game . Amazingly , 6 and sometimes 5 and 4 year olds manage to learn to play it . Since they can 't read very well yet , they do this by memorizing hundreds of cards and what they do and a bit of help with the math . ( And some just learn to read and do the math themselves ) . Anyways , it used to be quite common to see a large group of kids playing with them at the park . One day , after the Yu - gi - oh craze had died down quite a bit , I noticed the kids playing a new game . They took pieces of paper and drew pictures and numbers on them and made up their own card games . I joined in one and found it very entertaining - and a bit confusing . The abilities of the monsters weren 't apparent . The child would explain whatever abilities or magical properties a card had . Sometimes he 'd forget and sometimes he 'd encourage me to make up an ability . I wasn 't very good at it , but he seemed satisfied with my attempts and we had a great time with it . I was thinking Dvorak was something like this . A very nice person I know showed it to me . I didn 't look at it too closely at first because it reminded me of playing that child - created game and I assumed it was something like that with some premade rules . It seems , instead , to be a sort of online card game that allows the players to Posted by I hadn 't heard about this murder until I saw the headline . In case you haven 't seen my previous posts on news and politics , I tend to find them boring . I was thinking about this boringness when I came to realize that it 's not so much boring as that there 's just too much going on to keep track of it all and to even know what to think of it . Murder is easy though . It 's easy to think of murder as bad . I 'm not sure what good it does to point to the news article and say that . I don 't think it 's controversial . Apparently some do though , otherwise this murder wouldn 't have happened . That , or some people don 't mind being bad . Anyways . . . onto the quote : This statement was a bit confusing . It says she worked in Iraq for 30 years , but also mentions the 1990s . It 's only been 14 years since 1990 . I guess they mean that she 's worked for 30 years including the time when sanctions were imposed . Regardless , it sounds like she 'd been doing a lot of good , nice things for Iraqi people . British officials say they believe Hassan was a blindfolded woman seen being shot in the head by a hooded militant on a video obtained but not aired by the Arab television station Al - Jazeera . She would be the first foreign woman to die in the wave of kidnappings in Iraq . No group has claimed responsibility . This is definitely not good . Well , it could be if there was a mistake and the blindfolded woman was actually a mass - murderer . Even then , it 's hard to feel like it 's " good " . Necessary , maybe , but not good . It might be " good " that a murderer was stopped from harming more people , but bad that there was a murderer in the first place . . . Overall , things aren 't good if mass people have been murdered . And now I 'm just rambling off topic . . . Visited @ Bristol today . Some of it was closed to renovation , but it was still fun . It seemed like a really large and well designed children 's museum . Posted by Well , ok , it 's not quite London . It 's a teeny weeny little village in England called Frome ( rhymes with broom ) . It 's lovely . I suppose one could get tired of the nearly constant grey skies and drizzle , but , hey , I 'm from Texas . . . Austin , Texas . Clouds and drizzle are actually a nice break from the mostly sunny , dry weather I 've had all my life . At least when it rains here , one doesn 't tend to get totally soaked . One thing I really like here is the service . . . or lack of it . I can walk into a store and be totally ignored ! I love it ! I 've always hated being pestered with " Hello ! " and " May I help you ? " Saves me from losing my train of thought . . which I 've now forgotten . Oh yes , if I do want help , I can ask for it . I can think of only one shop in 10 where that was necessary and maybe one shop where someone actually greeted me . That 's 8 unwanted interactions avoided ! Posted by It 's a beautiful day . It 's sunny , just at that temperature where you could wear jeans or shorts depending on how active you are , and fairly dry ( not humid ) . As a kid , I looked forward to this time of year because it followed Summer , and Summer meant drowning in your own sweat . See , in a place where air conditioning is considered a necessity , my family was too poor to have it . Believe it or not , it is possible to survive 103F ( 39 . 4C ) without air - conditioning - one just has to wear fewer clothes ( " nothing " is best , but generally I 'd at least wear a bikini ) . A good fan helps too . And not moving much . Luckily , it rarely got quite that hot . Somewhere between 95F ( 35C ) and 100F ( 37 . 7C ) was more likely . Then , near September , school would start . The weather didn 't cool off much in September , but pants were required . I dreaded the long bus rides . Still , even with the lack of air - conditioning and the stress of wondering whether I 'd be able to get a seat or get picked on by bullies ( I did live on the wrong side of the highway , after all ) , I looked forward to school . Most of the kids and teachers were nicer than my family , and summers in the middle of nowhere when you have nothing are BORING . Ok , we didn 't quite have nothing . I remember week long games of Monopoly , uncountable games of solitaire , headaches from spending 12 hours at a time reading , and hours and hours of Soaps . A break from school was nice , but I was ready for summer to be over after a few weeks . October , though , was better . That 's when the weather finally cooled down a bit , the teachers had possibly moved onto something besides review , and I 'd probably had a chance to bring home a few dozen library books . What I was thinking about most , though , was moving . It suddenly became comfortable to move - to be active without risking heat stroke ( or at least being very uncomfortable ) . I loved weekends when I could run around out in our field - pretending to be animals hiding in the tall grass , playing soccer or tag or just running for the sheer joy of feeling the cool Becky I 've just started working on Only One by Lifehouse . It 's just one verse so the size is 1 . 56MB - not too big . Honest comments ( favorable or not ) only , please . Posted by - The tendency to do good things consistently . - The tendency to do good things even if they are boring or unpleasant . - The tendency do unpleasant and boring things because one thinks they are good / important to do . The latter two definitions seem to imply that doing good things is likely or might have to be boring and unpleasant . The last doesn 't really seem like a viable description of self - discipline , but it seems like something that people confuse with self - discipline . I changed it to what a person THINKS of as good because people might have different ideas about what is good , but the concept of self - discipline can sometimes be used to refer to actions of people that most would consider very bad and yet the person thought was good at the time . I 'm trying to sort things out so my house can be put up for sale . It 's fun running across the weird things I 've picked up over time . Today I found a set of 5 1 / 4 floppy disks for Microsoft QuickC . I was tempted to keep them just in case I have a computer that could use them some day , but I 'll be , * gulp * , throwing them away . Posted by I 've been experimenting a bit with singing . I 'm not saying I 'm any good , so listen at your own risk . Criticism welcome . It occurred to me that making choices in this way reminds me a bit of " states " in logic circuits . It 's been a while since I 've thought about such things , so I might have my terminology wrong . The thing is , a computer is limited by certain factors - a set of choices where each choice consists of two options - one or zero . On or Off . There is a definite and known or at least knowable set of alternatives . Real life , though , isn 't limited to zeros and ones . There is always the possibility of yet another alternative being created - one that solves the problem even better . Should one continue looking for such alternatives for a certain amount of time before choosing ( putting off choosing is an alternative in itself ) . . . or whether it 's better to go with some " active " best option while continuing to try to create even better alternatives ? It could be that moving in any direction will change the " state " of things sufficiently that other alternatives would be more readily available . Then again , certain directions might be generally preferable - better for helping one generate better and more preferable solutions . Is it generally preferable to change directions ? ( vs . generally staying in one state until another becomes very clearly preferable ) Is this even a useful way to think about solving problems ? We got cable turned back on a few weeks ago . I don 't quite remember how the channels are arranged , so I was flipping through them to figure them out when I got to the one with country music videos . It struck me as odd because it starts off with a woman working out on an exercise bike . She looks pretty normal , but then you see the ( male ) singer , also dressed pretty normal except his cowboy hat . I didn 't watch long enough to see the name of the song , but he sang about her wanting to fit in the jeans she had when she was 17 and how she feels like she is just the woman with the kids . There are scenes of her dealing with the kids and being a bit frazzled mixed in with scenes of her ( I think ) in skimpy / revealing clothing or lingerie and acting sexy . He sings about how he sees her as being " One Hot Mama " . Posted by If you initiated force whenever you could get away with it , so would everyone else . Then things would be very bad for YOU . Thus , it 's immoral . Live in a society where no one does that , and you will be better off than in a society where everyone does it . Actually , it 's not true that if you initiated force whenever you could get away with it , everyone else would . People have different ideas about morality and the initiation of force . Few of them would be persuaded to begin routinely initiating force because one person decided to initiate force against them . This is why , although there are criminals , MOST people don 't go around knowingly initiating force against others . I suppose with a small child who hasn 't experienced being treated forcefully against his will , it might give the child the idea that force initiating is a good thing to do . Then again , the child 's personality might be such that he become fearful of other people and become LESS inclined to initiate force . It is people 's ideas that ultimately affect whether they initiate force or not ( or do anything , for that matter ) . Just as I had set aside puzzling over the problem and decided to stick with my original Christian based morality , for the time being , I happened to see a flier for an essay contest based on The Fountainhead . The book made it seem to me that it was at least possible that the self - interests of people were mutually compatible such that initiating harm against others was actually harmful to the person initiating the harm ( even if no one else found out ) . The argument wasn 't fully given in the book , but I felt optimistic that Ayn Rand 's other books would give extra support to this idea . In the meantime , I agreed that the idea of self - sacrifice as an ultimate virtue , as encouraged by many religions , was harmful and wrong . I didn 't see how it could make sense for " good " people to sacrifice themselves - and leave less good people to live on . I 'm probably getting in over my head here , but I don 't see any way around it . For the last several years ( until very recently ) , I 've held to a self - interest based morality . It came about at about the same time I rejected religion and began looking for better explanations about morality . It seemed obvious that it wouldn 't be best for people to go around killing each other randomly for survival . Cooperating and trading seemed a much better alternative for most or all people . However , I couldn 't really see a reason why a particular individual should refrain from initiating force against others if he could do so without retribution . I didn 't like this idea of morality , but I couldn 't find a rational or logical problem with it . Posted by One of the reasons I have had trouble getting around to writing much here is that my ideas change quickly as I find and correct mistakes and encounter new ideas . Sometimes , the very act of writing will inspire me to completely change my mind about a subject and disagree with what I 've JUST written ! That means , many of my posts get deleted before I can even post them . Is there any point in posting such a thing ? As for the ideas that survive me hitting the " post & publish " button , it bothered me that people might be misled by such mistakes and it was frustrating to fix them on the blog . I 've changed my mind about that . I have made no claim to omniscience or infallibility here . Even if Ihad , people should be responsible for their own thoughts . I am still a little wary of posting some of my views publicly and part of me hopes not too many people ever notice this blog . Posted by
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the alcohol to the flame Aaron Echolls ! Next spectacle this Tuesday night , 6pm , after the premiere of " Beyond the Breaking Point " , sequel to " The Breaking Point " . Starring in this spectacle is Aaron , himself , as The Punisher ; his wife Lynn Echolls ( formerly the one time famous Lynn Lester ) as The Pill - Popping Alcoholic and Ignorant Mother ; and lastly , his son , Logan Echolls , will be playing his first , only , and greatest role as The Ungrateful Son . Watch as Aaron takes an all - deserving strap to his boy 's back for all the shame that his son has caused his family . Now only if we advertised realistically , huh ? It would be one thing to tell me I deserved it if I had even intended to make a fool of my father or this family ; but , alas , I disappoint him further . It was pathetic , the reasons my dad found today . I 'm impressed though on how he kept his cool for the whole premiere . He smiled , messed my hair , and stated that " Boys will be boys . " What I 'm betting is the idea that he wanted to wrap his hands around my neck and just squeeze . I suppose it 's all about family and responsibility . This is something that he 'll tell me that I 'll learn when I grow up . Personally , if I turn into the exquisite mirror of him when I grow up ? I think I 'll commit suicide , shuffle off this mortal coil , and end my all - too glamorous life . If he 's my fine example for all time , I 'll go with the dreams and wishes that I 've been adopted into this lifestyle . " Beyond the Breaking Point " is a hit . I think viewers especially loved the scene in which beyond his entire life , Aaron shows regret for the way he 's lived : all action , all fun , and no love . That 's when , in the movie and on the set , he pretends that there 's not nearly half as much chemistry between himself and his female co - star as they make sweet , sweet love and my mom on the side pops another pill . I slip some JD from my own flask myself and try not to gag . You 'd think if he was such a good actor that he 'd be able to hide his affairs , but really everyone knows . Lilly 's not so right . Sometimes the46 comments | Leave a comment " Hi , Logan . " I said , eyeing the smile a little suspiciously . There was no Lilly or Duncan in sight , so why put in the effort ? I thought about refusing for half a second , but who was I kidding . . . it was still a bit of a walk to the Kane 's from here , and I could deal with Logan for 5 extra minutes . " A ride would actually be nice , if you wouldn 't mind . " I admitted to him after a moment . I reach over and pop open the passenger door for her . I can tell by the look in her eyes that she 's all too suspicious of my actions like I 'll have an alterior motive for her . What devious and evil thing will Logan think of next ? I 'm truthfully getting a little tired of that attitude . So , I sigh and settle back into my seat . " Seat is all yours , " I motion towards the passenger seat . As long as she doesn 't fiddle with the radio , like Lilly is so fond of doing in my X - Terra , it 's fine . She doesn 't really get that I wouldn 't have invited her if I really minded that much . Veronica Mars can occasionally be bearable . Let 's just hope that this is one of those rare and brilliant times that we all look forward to . I remember talking to Duncan about her . Probably too many times . It 's just this whole thing of " I don 't get what you see in her . " Duncan stated that he was glad of that fact . I doubt that I ever will . Veronica 's not a person that I really truly want to get to know . She 's Lilly 's best friend and Duncan 's girlfriend , but that 's all . I had applauded their taste until she started sitting at our table . A car ride isn 't going out of my way . I just want her to know that . " Thanks . " I say , smiling just slightly as I get in the car and get buckled in . " I appreciate the ride . I guess I just wasn 't expecting it . I mean , I know you don 't like me and I 'm not expecting you to . So thanks . " I let out a little breath and stared out the window for a moment as he started the car again . " I take it from the suit you didn 't stay home long enough to get changed after the premiere ? " I asked , entirely unsure of why I was even asking it other than to have some noise other than the radio . It 's not like I hate Logan or anything , just , without Duncan and Lilly , we 'd probably go out of our ways to avoid contact . Instead we 're constantly together for the sake of the people we love , with absolutely nothing else short of the fact that we attend the same school in common . ( Reply ) ( Parent ) ( Thread ) ( Link ) logan _ echolls on November 20th , 2005 07 : 34 am ( UTC ) Oh , Veronica , where could you have possibly gotten the idea that I just don 't like you ? I didn 't see much of her past the pep and just her being together with Duncan . Maybe , if I saw some substance , I would like her or even know what to say around her . I knew how to make her uncomfortable and I knew a good percentage of things that would make her blush , but I was sure that I didn 't know Veronica at all . No , it 's untrue and I 'm being unfair . She did have substance . She was fun at homecoming . But then again that adventure was all what we needed then . We all had fun . Just let loose and were ourselves . I let out a breath as she asked about me staying home long enough to change . Part of me hadn 't even realized that I was still in the suit until the tie seemed too tight around my neck . I wanted to get out of my house as fast as I possibly could . " No . I told Lilly I 'd meet her after it . " I make this fake smile towards Veronica which makes me grimace inside . " Lilly doesn 't really like to be kept waiting , now does she ? " " No , she really doesn 't . " I agreed , laughing softly . There were countless times she 'd threatened to leave without me because I wasn 't ready when Lilly decided I should be . When she says she wants something , she means it . Right at that second . " You guys got anything special planned , or just hanging out ? " I asked . I knew Lilly found the big Hollywood events boring . Otherwise she probably would have been with Logan already , showing off for Entertainment Tonight or Access Hollywood , or something . " Either way she 's probably been impatiently waiting for you to get there since before you even left tonight . " I have to spread a real smile at Veronica 's words and at her expression . The same face that knew that Lilly always got what she wanted or she 'd go elsewhere . It was Lilly Kane , who would deny her ? I had no trouble admitting that I couldn 't . I 'm pretty sure that exchanging saliva was in the plan for Lilly and I , but I don 't say it to Veronica . She says it enough for the two of us , plus some . Lilly may not have had any problem with actually promenading our sex life , but I was friends with Duncan and that sort of thing never went over well . He knew that was enough . I 'm pretty sure that Veronica knew more than he did . " Just hanging out . " I say , tapping my fingers against the steering wheel for a moment . " You 've got plans with Duncan or just hanging too ? " Knowing the two of them , the four of us would probably be pulled together in a room . " Just hanging out , too . " I nodded in response to his question . Duncan and I were generally pretty content to just spend time with each other most of the time . Didn 't really matter so much what we were doing . I knew enough from Lilly to know they 'd probably be doing a lot more than hanging out , but I wasn 't about to call him on that . Somethings were better left unsaid . " Hanging out with Duncan 's definitely a better option than spending the evening watching dumb old movies with my parents . You don 't want to be around when they 're watching that stuff , trust me . " I commented , " It 's kinda scary . " I couldn 't help but wonder what she meant by it being scary to watch dumb old movies with her parents . She was supplying a topic I could ask about and keeping conversation between two non - friends was something rather than nothing . " Scary ? " I asked , a bit of amusement on my face as I glanced over to her . " How so ? " Even though her dad was sheriff , I truly didn 't find him in any way frightening - not even with a gun . Lianne Mars didn 't exactly strike fear into me either , but it was hard to compare . I knew more than anything her parents probably mocked the movie , talked in weird voices that mimicked the actors , and recited quotes . " They 're big black and white movie buffs or something ? " Fans of Natalie Wood , Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman , that was something I imagined for Veronica 's parents . " Sometimes it 's classic stuff . Be nice if it was , actually . " I commented . " But no , half the time , like tonight 's selection of ' Staying Alive ' , it 's stuff they watched when they were dating at when that happens . . . well , you know how you think Duncan and I can be sappy at times ? They put us to shame on the sap meter . And that ? Is a side of their parents no kid needs to see . " I shook my head . There was nothing but embarrassment in the fact that my parents were sitting watching that movie right this minute . Logan was partly right , they had a tendency to love the old detective movies and things like that , but they also watched a scary amount of Travolta 's early stuff . " I don 't mind watching movies with them generally . Especially if it 's something we 're all enjoying mocking , but I don 't have any great desire to be included in what amounts to a date night . " I had to groan aloud at her parents taste in movies . " You know , if you had said Grease it would have been at least a step up in the right direction . If you pick something with Travolta in it at least go for Pulp Fiction , am I right ? I 'm not even including the fact that you called it a date night for them . " I shook my head towards her , a small smile curling on my face . Bumbling sheriff and his bumbling wife ; at least Veronica didn 't share their opinions of good movies - not as far as I knew . Movies and date nights - Hey , what ever works for them . " Maybe it 's the ever - so - attractive sideburns ? " I suggested . What was once considered cool had now more than definitely changed . I 'm sure they 'd always think fondly upon that past . It wasn 't as if occasionally I didn 't see moments of my parents rising to that level of era nostalgia . No , I never did . Our constant need for image and example continued to leak into our family life . " Exactly . At least Grease is considered to be a classic worth remembering . And I really can 't argue with the choosing Pulp Fiction , or even Broken Arrow , just about anything Travolta over Staying Alive , actually . " I commented , smiling back just slightly . " Well , of course the Look Who 's Talking movies need to be banished from whatever archive they 're in , but that 's beside the point . " Can 't really blame Logan for thinking my parents are being total geeks right now . Which the groan made it clear he was , but the thing is ? They are . I love them dearly , but come on . I 'm cooler than they are , and I know that 's not saying much . " Sideburns ? " I rolled my eyes slightly , laughing at the idea . Some 70 's fashions should just be left there . " Right . Must be it . Well , that explains my mom anyway . My dad 's probably just watching because she wants to . Dad 's good like that though . Can 't begin to count the amount of times he 's watched the South Park movie with me . " ( Reply ) ( Parent ) ( Thread ) ( Link ) logan _ echolls on November 21st , 2005 08 : 43 am ( UTC ) I laughed , the grin of pure amusement still on my face . It was such a relief to just be away from the house discussing nothing at all . This was what I wanted to do : put my parents out of my mind and take in the company of my friends ( or rather almost friends in this case - Veronica was . . . something ) . " Don 't tell me that your mom has a full set of Travolta memorabilia , " I replied sardonically . " I 'm not sure I bothered to see anything beyond the first Look Who 's Talking movie . Once there was talking dogs you could count me out of it . You know , excluding that movie . . . was it Cats and Dogs ? " I glanced towards her briefly , before putting my eyes back on the road . Is it just me or could I possibly be getting along with Veronica Mars right now ? " At least the movie taste wasn 't inherited as far as I can tell , " I replied . I 'd seen the movie too many times with Duncan to speak up . Losing track of the numbers , I wondered if he even knew Veronica like that or if he was just holding out on Lilly and I . " That movie has warped my fragile little mind , " I told her mockingly . " I don 't know if I 'd cal it a full set , but it is fairly substantial . " I told Logan . That bit of info was embarrassing enough without going into exact details . Not that I really thought my mom was going to care much what Logan Echolls thought of her . His parents maybe , but not him . She never cared what kids thought of her . " Talking dogs come in the third movie . Second 's just another baby , thankfully . " I commented . " Cats and Dogs , Homeward Bound , there 's actually a scary amount of movies with dogs that talk now that you 've got me thinking about it . " I 'm just gonna be shocked I 'm having a decent conversation with Logan . Duncan and Lilly would be so proud of us for how well we 're getting along . Won 't last beyond this car ride , though . No real reason for it to . " I think the show probably warped your so - called fragile little mind long before the movie came along . " I stated with a smirk , " If it even took that . " Yeah , I didn 't exactly believe South Park had much to do with whatever warping had gone on in Logan 's brain . He was warped in his own way the day I met him . " I 'm not really sure you can call loving the South Park movie having any sort of taste in movies , as much as I enjoy it . " I added in response to his comment about movie tastes not being inherited , " But I generally like to think I 've out grown some of the more embarrassing movie obsessions . " I could almost bet that her mother 's set included the movie Carrie just for the brief moments he spent on screen . I silently listed the movies off in my head . Hey , when you spend a fair amount of time looking at IMDB . com , you pick up some things . Not to mention how show business and the Echolls were intertwined . " Generally , sequels are to be avoided at all costs , " I replied . As evidence by my lack of remembering that the movie with the dogs and cats came third and not second . They all just melded together inevitably . " But , you 're right about that . Just generally there 's a great amount of movies with talking animals in them . " My lips quirked into a smirk at her next words and I shook my head sceptically . " Just when I was finding you flattering , Veronica , " I tsked towards her . " Do I have to guess the horrors of your embarrassing movie obsession collection or are you going to let me in on the mortifying secrets ? " I asked , still amused . " You could tell me and I 'll tease and we 'll all get our daily dose of this eternal snark we have between us . " And that was about all there was going to ever be between us . This moment had been acknowledged and it was already in passing as far as the two of us were concerned . However , at the very least , I was pretty sure that we could still be tickled that we were standing each others ' presence . " They only exist because they make the studios easy money , built in audience and all , right ? I mean that basically explains how your dad still has a thriving career . " I commented when he pointed out sequels should be avoided at all costs . " Sorry , Logan . " I laughed as he tsked me . Wasn 't really all that sorry and we both knew it . " Just don 't really believe South Park was the sole factor in your warped brain . Contributor I 'd buy . " " Would it really be as fun for you if I were to just tell you ? " I questioned . Sure , it 'd be faster , but if he wanted maximum amusement , why just tell him ? He 'd known me long enough , known the two people I was closest two outside of my parents long enough , to make a few decent guesses , I was sure . " I mean , if you just want to get right to the teasing , I can tell you . Whatever . " I shrugged . He was right though , if we weren 't snarking we basically weren 't talking unless we were forced to . Why mess with what worked ? " My dad still has a career because of obsessive fan girls who like to see him with his shirt off and because of crack producers who like that he sells because of previously said girls . " I corrected Veronica almost immediately . Reasons or not my father had a career was past me . I was the epitome of not caring . " Come to think of it , I think they just let out one of his sequelled movies today . It 's not nearly half as touching as the one he 's putting out at Christmas . " If you want the real reason I have a warped mind , Veronica . . . - I shook it off , ignored the pain still spreading on my lower back . " Let me guess . Since , yes , you did point out that it would be fun , " I said , motioning towards her with the usual witty smile . " Among these movies would be . . . Spice World and Batman Forever . Though , I do suspect that out of the Travolta collection you 'd own Saturday Night Fever and Grease . Like you said , at least Grease is a classic . " " Either way it 's a built in audience . " I countered . " A near sure bet of easy money to the tune of hundreds of millions for any studio involved . " " Well no offense to your dad , but the odds of me making an effort to see either is highly unlikely . His movies have never really interested me much . " " I 'll admit to Grease , and to Batman Forever . Spice World , for what it was , isn 't really that bad , and if you mock me for watching that you have to mock Lil , ' cause she was right there with me nearly every single time I watched it . In my defense though ? I was 10 . Long since over that . " I Insisted . " There 's also She 's All that and Down to You . And let 's not forget three quarters of anything Kirsten Dunst did before Spider - man . Some very funny movies , but not exactly the most well written . " I figure I 'd give him what he was after . A nice long list of things to torture me about that weren 't his insisting that there was something wrong with the way my life was . I like my life , thanks . " See , now I know exactly what to ask him to get me for Christmas . " I snapped my fingers , the same smile rising again . " I 'll ask him for my own group of raging fan girls , because this family just doesn 't have enough . " " At least it sells , Veronica . There 's nothing much more than selling things , keeping jobs and a house , when it comes to business . " I shook my head towards her , " Believe me when I say that I wouldn 't throw any money towards his films either . Or even Trina 's , for that matter . " Trina , god knows , wouldn 't be anywhere if she wasn 't leeching off dad 's fame a bit . " I can 't mock you about Spice World . Lilly made me and Duncan watch that thing like five times a day for a week . But . . . She 's All That ? Geeky girl into Prom Queen - How sweet . " I told her . No , that sounded nothing at all like what happened when the Kanes discovered Veronica Mars . Minus one bet , we could possibly be that story . " You couldn 't possibly get more cliche . You know , unless you were watching Down To You . So , is this a general love of Freddie and Kirsten movies ? " " That would be entertaining . For about an hour . " I laughed at the idea of him having his own set of raging fan girls . " Might just make Lil a bit jealous , too . Which if it wouldn 't be so scary might be entertaining too . " " Wasn 't saying it didn 't . Or that it doesn 't give you more than most people can even dream of . " I told him . Really didn 't need to explain to the Mars family how much further you could get in this town if you had enough of it . " And somehow I didn 't think you 'd willingly pay to go see one of your dad or Trina 's movies . " " So you yourself have seen Spice World no fewer than 35 times ? " I asked , a smirk playing on my lips , knowing Lilly probably loved forcing Duncan and Logan to watch that movie endlessly . " Down to you was Julia Stiles , not Kirsten Dunst . " I reminded him . " And it 's a former love of Freddie Prinze Jr . movies . I 've since figured out that he can 't act and he 's really not that pretty . " Kirsten Dunst on the other hand was still making passably decent movies . Occasionally , I wouldn 't mind getting Lilly a little jealous too . I mean , do I have to be the only one in our relationship like that ? No , when Lil got jealous she ignored me . It was part of our ongoing on and off relationship . The off never really lasted for long . " I think I 've seen Lilly jealous enough times to know that it doesn 't turn out as well as I can hope for . " - And she 's seen me jealous . That never turns out well either . She hated that and always provoked it . All at the same time . It drove me crazy sometimes when she couldn 't pick what she wanted in me . I was sort of a whole Logan Echolls package . I glanced towards Veronica again as she mentioned Spice World , " Something like that . Duncan 's possibly seen it more than I have though . He does live with her . Which means that he 's subjected to far more humiliating films than I have . " " And , for the record , I was only pointing out that Down To You was a Freddie movie , not a Kirsten one . Kirsten . . . on occasion , has made some good movies . " I admitted reluctantly . " I figured somehow that you knew that . Despite whatever I may say to the contrary at times , I know you 're not a complete idiot . " I smirked . I knew all to well from Lilly telling me how much she relished in making Logan jealous . As much as I didn 't get along with him a lot of the time , I couldn 't really deny that she could do a lot worse than Logan Echolls . Everybody can see how much he loves her . " More than likely . " I agreed when he said Duncan was subjected to more humiliating films than he had been . " It is Lilly we 're dealing with . Frequently and rapidly bored with everything around her , and therefore wanting others to make her less bored . " I smiled , even though I couldn 't help but feel bad for Duncan being subjected to that . " I 'm sure you have a great fondness for Bring It On . " I commented , slightly sarcastically when he mentioned Kirsten Dunst making good movies . She had made several good ones , but for some reason I just couldn 't picture Logan having had watched most of them . " Or at least for all the girls in Cheerleading uniforms . " " Personally , I think Lilly prefers my being jealous over her . She wouldn 't try so hard to make it happen otherwise . " Lilly flirted . Lilly loved the attention . I 'm not sure if we 'd ever stop reminding each other that there were other people that wanted us too . I rolled my eyes at Veronica 's statement . Sometimes I wasn 't too sure if being in love with Lilly was a good thing or a bad thing - certainly not a smart thing . I guess love was always this mix of both . The bad and the good combining into one intense emotion . All I knew was that I did feel that way and I in no way wanted it to stop . " Should I be taking that as an actual compliment from you , Veronica Mars ? " I asked at her smirk . Despite the fact that we wouldn 't hang out with each other on any other conditions than friendships and relationships required us to be decent to each other , I think I would actually miss her presence in the vicinity . I dealt with change fine . Change happened and things would shift and I would just go on like the change never effected me . That 's how things were . " You know , I wasn 't even thinking of Bring It On , but now that you mentioned it Eliza Dushku was . . . - " I stopped short . " No , you 're right , I have a fondness for just all the girls in Cheerleading , " I said with a short amused laugh . " Lilly wants to be reminded constantly how much people want her . " I commented , " She just doesn 't always go about it the best way . " Just the best way she knows how , considering she 's been shown over and over again that even negative attention 's better than none at all . Lilly 's logic seems to be as long as Logan 's jealous she 's sure he cares . " Take it however you want , Logan . " I told him simply . It was likely as close to an actual one as I was ever going to give . Especially directly to him . Wouldn 't want him to stop thinking he was a complete jackass as far as I was concerned . " You 've got a thing for Eliza Dushku , hey ? You 're being rather enlightening tonight . . . first Spice World , now that ? " I laughed . " So , can I ask what movie you were thinking of , if not Bring It On ? " I questioned . " I had noticed that that was what she was aiming for . She just doesn 't always like it when she gets it , " I commented with a simple shrug attached to it . I 'd be crazy to assume that Lilly would ever do anything else other than that . She knew how much I loved her as always , but Lilly was Lilly . Like I said before , she showed it in different ways . . . . such as making me crazy with jealousy . I shook my head and moved on . " Would it really be as fun for you if I were to just tell you ? " I asked her , almost mocking her words earlier , but not quite . Go ahead , guess , Mars . " I don 't think most people do like what they get when they 've caused the negative results . " I shrugged . " It seems to be a character flaw with the entire human race . Never being happy with what we 've got . " I let out a short little laugh at his question . " Guess that 's fair enough . " I relented , " Can 't imagine you having seen Mona Lisa Smile , so that leaves maybe Crazy / Beautiful ? Spider - man ? Virgin Suicides ? ' Cause unless Lilly made you watch Dick , or Get Over it , something along those lines I can 't really see you willingly watching much else . Am I even close ? " Guessing movies Logan had or hadn 't seen and actually liked wasn 't really a skill I 'd learned from my dad ( most of those I was sure my mom wouldn 't approve of , but that 's beside the point ) , but I could make a few attempts at guessing . " You 're usually so good at this guessing thing . As much as I can truly adore both The Virgin Suicides and Spider - Man , neither of those actually came to mind . " I glanced towards her again , the same smile wearing on my face before . I always smiled , just occasionally it meant something . I paused , making her wait a moment in the suspense of the quiet . " Other than finding her role in Little Women a thrill to watch , even if the book was better , " I began , almost a little mockingly . " The first thing that came to mind was Interview With The Vampire . " I shook my head , " Virgin Suicides was better though . " So , I had a soft spot for movies that actually meant something . A movie about a bunch of girls suffocating within their own household and from their own parents . . . I could relate . " So , are you ? " I asked , my voice dropping a bit . I clarified a moment later . " I mean , happy with what you have . " I don 't know why I asked that particular question or even to her . " You have not read Little Women . " I rolled my eyes at him . He was right that the book was better though . " And I should 've figured Interview with the Vampire somehow . . . I guess I just didn 't because she was like 11 in that . And Virgin Suicides is pretty amazing . " I added , smiling slightly , a little amazed that he seemed to have actual respect for that movie . " Am I happy with what I have ? " I asked , surprised that he was even wanting to know . " What 's not to be happy about ? I 've got parents that love , respect and trust me . Sure my dad doesn 't make the equivalent of the Gross National Product of some small country like a lot of families in this town , but it 's not like I ever really go without much , there 's always food , the bills are always paid , I 'm pretty well off compared to some . And I 've got Duncan and Lilly who love me , you who delight in torturing me . . . what 's not to be happy about ? " Sure things weren 't always perfect , but they could definitely be worse . " So , you ? Anything you 're truly happy about ? " I laughed aloud when she full out accused me of not reading Little Women and completed the accusation with a roll of her eyes . " How do you know ? " So , I was still teasing her a bit . It was pretty easy to do in the long run . At my next question , she sounded happy . She sounded . . . normal like she wasn 't really longing much for anything more . Content , I would guess . I think that why Lilly had always wanted us to party more and show Veronica a different time . Just so she could see things on the other side and see what she was missing out on . The dark side has cookies , Veronica . Join us . " Lilly , Duncan . . . this group of friends , " I shrugged answering . It was the closest I 'll ever be to admitting that Veronica was any part of something that I was thankful for . " Well , how many boys do you know that have even seen the movie , let alone read the book ? " I pointed out at his laughter . It was like the Little House books , the Anne books , anything really with female lead characters . . . as I rule guys tended not to read . Not a single word of mocking over my list of things to be happy about ? That was almost a letdown . And here I was prepared for an onslaught of insults . " That was practically a compliment , Logan . " I smiled at his response . " And hey , at least part of our lists match . Lilly and Duncan being key points to both of us . Not like that wasn 't already obvious . " " Only those who have been a ) forced at gun point or b ) forced to barring that they need to pass English . " I replied . " Or even c ) those who would do anything just to see Winona Ryder or Claire Danes . " " Duncan cried when Beth died . " I said with a teasing smile to my lips . " I told him that she was too innocent in that world to live . " I waited for the reaction . We had at least seen the movie , something that was , again , because of Lilly . " You can take it as a compliment if you want one , " I replied . " I just think that despite being happy with what we have everyone wants more - something that they can 't have , like you said earlier . " Lilly was living proof of that statement . " The filter in your brain that tells you when not to be an insensitive prick is broken , isn 't it ? " I rolled my at what he said to Duncan when Beth died . " Or maybe it was never there ? " I could tell from the expectant look in his eyes he thought I 'd be surprised that Duncan had cried . " And as far as Duncan crying when Beth died , you do remember my reaction during our little game of " I 've Never " the night of the dance when he admitted to being a virgin , right ? You somehow think crying at the saddest part in that entire story 's going to make me think less of him ? " I questioned . " Well , the only thing I don 't think I can manage to get is going to college near Duncan . Until then I think I 'm good . " I replied when he said everybody wants something that they can 't have . " Who knows , maybe I 'll figure out some way to pull it off before then . " I shrugged . I had two years . Which meant I had a year and a half before panic time . " He knew what was going to happen ahead of time , it 's not like I told him anything he didn 't already know . Besides , It 's obvious when character are going to die off or be killed . " I shook my head towards her . " I was plenty sensitive . Lilly was the one who teased him for weeks afterward about both Little Women and that game of " I 've Never " . You know , I 'm sort of under the impression that she wants the two of you to have sex and get it over with . " Sometimes , I 'm pretty sure that Lilly and I pretend that we weren 't each others ' firsts . We 're simple : intimate and not at the same time . Attached and detached . " Though , I suspect that 's something she wants more for her entertainment than sexual welfare of the two of you . " I could see other reasons why Lilly wanted it to happen . Maybe just to make them care about other things than family , college and eternal perfection . I think she wanted them darker like it would teach them something and make them happier . That would never make them happier . " Just because it 's obvious doesn 't mean it 's completely painless . " I pointed out . " And of course Lilly teased him . Lil teases him about everything he ever does or doesn 't do . " I couldn 't help but sigh when Logan said he was under the impression that Lilly wanted Duncan and I to just have sex and get it over with . " Unfortunately , I know . But it 's not something either of us are about to let her dictate . It 'll happen when we want it to . There 's nothing wrong with not rushing into something so huge for the simple reason of people expecting us to , is there ? " I asked . I couldn 't help but think he was probably right about the entertainment value . Only Lilly Kane would want so badly to hear stories like that involving her brother . I shook my head . " We 're fine . It 'll happen when it happens . Sex isn 't something that should be causing this giant weight of pressure to be hanging around our necks . I don 't want it to be perfect or flowery or anything , I just want it to feel right when it happens . " I told him , but even as I did I couldn 't help but wonder why I was sharing that with Logan of all people . Duncan knew all this already , there was no reason I had to explain it to his best friend . " Not like you actually care one way or another . " I added . " I 'm trying to remember when I said it was painless . " I replied to her . " I 'm pretty sure that I didn 't say that . " I heard Veronica 's open sigh about Lilly 's insistence of sex between the two of them . Love my girlfriend , ( hell , I have no complaints about sex myself ) but I knew Duncan and to some extent Veronica . They needed something more than just the experience . I can 't believe I 'm even taking their side at this moment . " Look . . . " I started . I heard the tone in my own voice like I was about to be sympathetic or give her advice - neither of which I 'd be in any place to do . " . . . Duncan 's my best friend and you make him happy which is all I 'm concerned with . Even though , I may not always . . . express that . He gets uptight about everyone expecting something from him except around you . That 's something , isn 't it ? " I cared . I was never as heartless as Veronica liked to think . " I 'll tell Lilly to back off if you want . " " So then we 're back at one of those moments where I fail to see how you can find fun and enjoyment in torturing your best friend , are we ? " I asked . I had to fight hard to keep the astonishment at Logan 's next statements off my face . I wasn 't like everything he was saying was anything but the truth . Well , the stuff to do with Duncan I knew was true , anyway . It was just beyond unexpected . " I - yeah , Logan , the fact that Duncan can just relax around me and be himself is one of the most important things in the world to me . " I told him with a soft smile . " Him being happy is right at the top of my list , for the record . " That I did feel the need to make sure it was 100 % clear that Duncan 's happiness meant more to me than anything . I 'd never felt the way I do about him for anybody else , which meant I wasn 't about to let anybody force us in a direction we weren 't ready to go , or worse yet get between us . I 'm staying put , and I know Duncan wants me to . " Thanks for the offer , about Lil , but we both know she won 't . " I laughed softly . " It 's fine . Just don 't join the chorus , okay ? " I asked . " Wow , " I started , lingering on the word for a moment . " I love how you can excuse Lilly for everything that she does to Duncan and yet I 'm the one torturing him , Veronica . It 's teasing . God , and Duncan doesn 't take it personally , so why should you ? " I cared for Duncan . God , I probably wouldn 't be anywhere without him as my best friend . So , the random teasing that we did back and forth was suddenly a problem with his girlfriend ? Yeah , excuse me . I 'm so sorry . Did that offend you ? I knew logically that Veronica wanted him just as happy as I wanted him , or even Lilly did when she thought she knew what he needed . Anything Lilly did was because she wanted to help Duncan and not hurt him . Maybe none of us really knew what was best for Duncan . Maybe he was just supposed to figure that out on his own or something . " He 's my best friend , Veronica . Can you just remember that ? " I asked , my voice a little harder than before . " Siblings are supposed to pick on each other , Logan . Not like Dick and Cassidy , or you and Trina are all that different in the way you treat each other . " I pointed out . " I 'm not trying to seem like I take it personally . I know most of the time you 're just teasing . It 's just not always that obvious to people who aren 't you . " I tried to explain . There were moments , especially when they both got in on Duncan about how he could use some more excitement , that it started to seem like more than teasing . I let out a breath . The last thing I wanted was to get into a screaming match with Logan while trapped in his car . " Look , I do get on Lilly 's case about the major things . " I stated , " Or did she fail to let you in on any of the arguments resulting from that ? " It had happened more than once . And more than once she 'd told me that I was her best friend before I was his boyfriend . Like somehow I wasn 't allowed to love them both . " I know he is , Logan . I 'm sorry , okay ? " I asked frustrated . " I don 't ever forget it . We were friends with Lilly and Duncan long before either of us started dating them . And honestly ? I 'm not expecting anything other than a place in his life in addition to , not instead of , you . " If that didn 't get him to back off and relax , I had no clue what actually would at this point . " Or maybe , you 're being just a little too sensitive . Duncan 's a big boy , he can fend for himself instead of you doing it for him . If he was really that bothered then he would have said so . " I was sick of being the enemy that Veronica Mars chose to make me any time something went array . I wasn 't the bad guy of the plot . I wasn 't innocent , no , but I wasn 't a total bastard and I was sick of being treated like I was one . " It 's different - you getting on Lilly 's case versus you getting on mine , Veronica . You actually like Lilly for once and you can 't stand me half of the time for another . I 'm not asking for anything from you except for maybe a two second break from you blaming me . I 'm not responsible for all these little things that you so like to pin on me . " I scoffed towards her , " I 'm sick of it , okay ? " " I 'm his friend and you just love to point out how much better I could possibly be . " " Maybe I am . It 's not like I can hop in a time machine and change it , is it ? " I rolled my eyes . " As far as Duncan actually saying anything , how often does he actually speak up when he should ? " I questioned . " I can 't stand you have the time because you 're constantly an ass to me , you make it just as clear , and always have , that you have absolutely no use for me . " I reminded him , clenching my fists for a moment . Part of me felt like jumping out of the moving car just so I wasn 't stuck fighting with Logan with no escape . Being trapped was not something I ever handled well . " You don 't think I 'm just as sick of all the insults you sling my way ? All the times you try to make me feel like there 's something wrong with me because I don 't want to party all the time , and I don 't want my parents to lose their trust in me over whatever scheme you and Lilly have come up with to ' liven up ' my life ? " I snapped . We were equally guilty in this mess and there was no way I was letting him dump it all on me . " Have you ever once heard me say to Duncan than he can do better ? Or to Lilly for that matter ? " I asked , angling my body towards the window . It was as far away from him as I could get . Sure I get pissed off at him at times - okay , a lot of the time - but I 've never once even thought that I wanted him gone from their lives . " I couldn 't do that to you guys , Logan . " I whispered , letting out a sad breath . Again , I might not get along with Logan a good chunk of the time , but splitting them up because I don 't always like him ? I 'd be no better than Celeste 's treatment of me . Couldn 't we go back to getting along ? That was better than this . Really was . " How can he possibly do it for himself when you always do the honors for him ? " I asked bitterly . " I mean , do you positively know that every single thing I do bothers him ? Have you even met the males of our species to know how guys communicate . We 're not like girls . We don 't discuss our feelings - not like that - but I would know if Duncan truly had a problem with anything I was doing . " See , now we were getting to the real thick middle of the problem . Yeah , blame me , Veronica . " I don 't have any use for you . The only reason that we possibly ever hang out is because of Duncan and Lilly . I was only trying to be nice when I picked you up today . That 's all , but obviously I did it just because I wanted to sling more insults your way . Maybe make fun of your hair or the fact that maybe I do think that you need to liven up a bit . " " You talk about college , love and family as if it 's the only thing in your world . As if that 's all that ever possibly matters . You are in essence an 09er without the cash . Maybe we just care enough to want you guys in on any possible opportunities that come along - that are different . Something that you wouldn 't bother trying and something that maybe you should . It 's about living and not just existing . " " It 's about learning too , " I said quietly . It was as if she thought me to be entirely heartless . I wiped my hair back with one hand and let out a hard breath . She got to me as always . All this perfection that surrounded her got to me . She makes this sad sound that makes me feel bad for a moment . Like she can ache inside just as much as me . I just shake my head . I can 't answer or deny the fact that I 've told both Duncan and Lilly that they could do so much better than Veronica Mars . " Whatever you say , Logan . " I sighed , " I 'll bite my tonge and keep my mouth shut next time it involves Duncan . Will that get you to shut up ? " " God , don 't you think I know that ? Do you think I would even talk to you if it weren 't for them ? Honestly ? " I shook my head . He was doing it again . Making it sound like everything I wanted for myself was something to be ashamed of . It wasn 't . There wasn 't something wrong with it . " No , you with your holier than thou , nothing I do matters because my parents have more money than God so I 'll do whatever I want attitude is pure 09ner , Logan . More of our extended circle of friends act like you than me and we both know it . " I spat back . " What is so wrong with my life , anyway ? " I questioned , still moving to even face forward again . " If I 'm happy , why is it so damn important to you to go changing that ? " I really couldn 't understand it . I didn 't get why it was so freaking important to him that I be in on his partying . You 'd think he 'd be worried that I 'd suck the fun right out of it . He clearly thought I was a black hole the rest of the year . Homecoming being the only clear exception . " Why do you hate me so much ? " I couldn 't help but ask . If he hated being around me as much as he seemed to , why did he want to join in on Lilly 's little projects to make me more like her ? " It 's not new or anything , but I don 't - you 've been hostile to me since Junior High . " Wait . And the lightbulb goes on . " Duncan . All of this is because of Duncan , isn 't it ? " " Well , see , that might be a nice start , " I replied , my voice hard . My patience quickly wore when it came to this certain sheriff 's daughter . There were times that I though that I wouldn 't want anything more but Veronica 's disappearance ( excluding the fact that both Lilly and Duncan would take that as a loss ) . At least we 're in agreement that we want nothing to do with each other . I give almost a wry smile to her at that . Thank god for the Kanes , I might have died from boredom otherwise . Talking to Veronica was like talking to your food before you ate it . Yeah , our ' extended circle of friends ' may act more like me , but you 've got all the stuff that means anything to be a 09er down - everything but the bank account . " How did you get that ' extended circle of friends anyway , Veronica ? " I asked . " It really couldn 't possibly be this charming attitude , could it ? No , I 'm pretty sure that it 's exactly because of who you 're dating . " I shook my head . This couldn 't possibly be my reasoning for trying to ward Duncan and Lilly away , could it ? Still , I couldn 't say the words . Why her life seemed so wrong to me was because of her happiness and whether or not Lilly admitted it too , she was bothered too . Just because none of it could be possibly real . Bliss was something that had anger over and she was the only one with true bliss - a precious family . It was entirely unrealistic . I clenched my jaw as I pulled my X - Terra into the Kane driveway and then spoke collectively - trying to bat any other feelings away , especially when she mentions Duncan . " I don 't hate you , Veronica . " I envy you . I don 't even bother trying to keep myself from glaring at him when he sort of smiles . The decent but snarky exchange from earlier seems like another lifetime right now . I didn 't want to be in the same town as Logan Echolls right now , never mind in his car . I should have turned down the ride . Of course that would have started a fight right then and there , so was that any better ? " Excuse me ? I was best friends with Lilly for three years before Duncan and I started dating . " I remind him when he says I 'm only classified an 09ner because of my relationship with Duncan . Not that I cared one way or another about 09ner status . Really didn 't . I was fine as long as I had Lilly and Duncan . " Maybe Duncan factors in , but I 've been eating lunch every day with Lilly since the 7th grade . Who I hung around with didn 't really change did it ? " In his own way Logan was just as bad as Celeste . I couldn 't possibly have pure motives for wanting Lilly and Duncan in my life , so I must be a social - climbing bitch . Right . Guess I can 't stop them from thinking it , anyway . " Well , you definitely make a good attempt at making me believe you do . " I stated , getting out of the car the second he turned the engine off . I can 't help but notice that he avoided responding to my question about Duncan . Which makes me think I 'm right . I slam the door after picking up my purse . " For the second time tonight : I 'm not trying to take him away from you Logan . I - I just want to fit in there somewhere . Is that so much to ask ? " I questioned . It wasn 't like I was constantly trying to push Logan out of Lilly 's life . I almost comment as she slams the passenger door closed after getting out of the car , but it seems pretty useless at this point to focus on such a minor detail . I keep my mouth shut even though everything I want to do is hurt Veronica right now . There was a reason I 'd pick fun at her sometimes . I mean , this animosity wasn 't just Duncan or even Lilly . Veronica knew just as much that she pressed buttons . I was sure she did . " What I can 't tell is that if you hate me so much . If you hate everyone else at that table but Duncan and Lilly , why do you bother sitting there at all ? Really . Especially when you could convince them to sit elsewhere if you really wanted . " I state , slipping out of the car to talk with her . " You don 't even like those people and yet you 've been sitting with them for years . " I sound exasperated because I am . I know I 'm probably no better than Veronica - that I dealt with people just because of Duncan and Lilly . God knows , I was doing it right now . I put a hand firmly on the hood of my car . Talking to her with something hard and durable between us seemed like the best idea . " I 'm not taking him away from you , Veronica . That 's not what I want to do , " I tell her quietly . This old screaming match with Veronica is something that I just want gone . This is the last thing I actually want to happen . " I couldn 't possibly do that , even if I did want to . " Because he loves you . " When did I say I hated you ? " I questioned . " I said you 're an ass to me most of the time , but that 's not the same thing . Annoying the hell out of me doesn 't automatically translate into me hating you last I checked . " I said , completely frustrated by this entire conversation . " You 're Duncan 's best friend , Lilly loves you . You 're part of the package . And you have moments where I actually understand why that is . So , no , as pissed off at you as I get , I don 't hate you . " " I 'm - Look , I might not always get along with everybody , or even really agree with them about a lot of things , but again , that doesn 't mean I hate them . And it definitely doesn 't give me the right to try and convince Lilly and Duncan to stay away from them . " I insisted . It wasn 't like we hadn 't talked just a few minutes ago about how much I hated the way Celeste treated me , so what made him think I wanted to act like I was so superior to everybody ? I 'm not . I 'm just not quite as spoiled and snobby as some . That 's a pretty big difference . " What do you want to do then ? " I asked . There had to have been something . I shook my head . It didn 't really matter . Besides , it wasn 't like he was about to tell me . I ran my fingers through my hair , pushing it back away from my face for a moment . I just wanted Duncan happy . None of the rest of it mattered at all in comparison . " That 's just it . You don 't ever stop reminding me what a horrible person I am , " I snapped towards her . " All my energies are spent against you , Duncan and most of the student body or something . No , Logan isn 't at all decent . Not ever . How am I really supposed to ever know that you don 't hate my guts when all you ever tell me is that I don 't even care . Not caring would result in me not even bothering when it came to you or , hell , even Duncan and Lilly . " " All I want is one single day when you don 't associate the words Logan Echolls and Bad Guy together . " I shook my head to her . Talking to Veronica was impossible . Who was I kidding trying to play nice by offering her a ride over here and joking about actors and stories ? It was just a facade . Who was I kidding trying to tell her what I actually wanted ? I ran my fingers through my hair again and sighed heavily . I was sick of the fighting . It was just utterly useless . I made a huff of a sound while Veronica absorbed any words I had sent her way and headed towards the front door . Though seconds later I turned back again , still upset . " I 'm trying . Does that count for anything ? " I asked her .
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Shortly after the first of the year I admitted to you , my loyal reader ( s ) , that I was determined to move more in the new year . I was going to get up off the couch ! I was going to sweat ! I was going to be work it , girl ! And I encouraged you , my loyal reader ( s ) , to hold me accountable for my resolution . I am not a mover , and don 't especially enjoy getting up before the sun . And yet . . . I 'm doing both of those things , and have done them five times a week since the Monday after Thanksgiving . I 've only missed three days , one when I was sick and twice when I was out of town . My fitness routine is 25 minutes on the exercise bike , followed by 15 minutes on the elliptical trainer , concluded by a five - minute walk around the block to cool down . You 'll be shocked when I tell you that the illustration with this blog is not an accurate artist representation of my current state of fitness , inasmuch as I do not have matchy - matchy shoes and shorts . No , when I 'm exercising I look more like those wretched souls on Biggest Loser with the sweat and the gasping and the red - faced effort . All I lack is Jillian screaming in my ear . And yet . . . I 'm enjoying this . With a few exceptions ( when finishing was a slogging struggle ) I 've come to look forward to plugging in the iPod and opening the Nook Color for a few more pages of Game of Thrones . I pick up the pace when " Santa Baby " comes on , and slow it back down for the Billy Joel ballads , and manage to keep my heartrate in the target zone . Have I lost weight ? Not so much . I 'm still in the running ( see what I did there ? ) to be crowned the world 's slowest loser . Do I feel better ? You know , I think maybe I do . My knees definitely are less painful , and I seem to be keeping up better with Husband 's Bataan Death March pace when we walk somewhere . I think I 'll keep moving . Posted by When I started Empty Nest Feathers I was determined to Keep It Real , where " real " means sharing the good and the bad , the ups and the downs , the ins and the outs of moving out of the child - rearing stage of life . And oh , have I documented the good / ups / ins . My Boys ! I loooove them ! They are woooonderful ! Husband ! So swell ! Father and siblings ! Best ever ! Friends ! Superb ! Et cetera , ad nauseum . The body ! Aging at warp speed ! Sunday morning I leaned down to pick something off the floor , and when I stood up I saw a flash of light in the corner of my right eye . Huh . Well , that was weird . Later , when I bent down to tie my shoes , the flash happened again , this time accompanied by a dark line at the edge of my peripheral vision . Monday morning bright and early I called my doctor , as Dr . Internet urged . Dr . B took a look then referred me on to Dr . G , my eye doctor , who dilated my pupils to the size of pancakes and took a look inside . I 'm quite sure that at the diameter of dilation reached she could see my appendix , but she was pleased with what she saw . The good news is that I am fine . Take a moment with me and enjoy the relief . The bad news is that I am getting old . Dr . G did not mince words . In fact the phrase " as we age " peppered our conversation so liberally that I thought perhaps she had chosen this as her new branding slogan . As we age , it turns our , the liquid that keeps the eyeball round and squishy starts to dry out . ( It is labeled vitreous humour in the illustration - - hahahaha ! ) For some of us , as we age , this liquid becomes more and more jelly - like until it pulls on the retina when the eyeball changes position . So as we age , some of us are more prone to retinal tears because our eyeballs are PULLING THEMSELVES APART . So , Dr . G , what can I do to prevent this happening ? I rather like being able to see . Dr . G looked at me thoughtfully . She had thoroughly described the conditions under which I should call her immediately ( sudden burst of floaters , impression of a curtain being drawn across my vision ) and probably thought I was being just a touch hypochondriacal . ( Who , me ? ) " Well , " she said slowly , " first of all , no boxing . Also , no gymnastics . " It 's a shame , really . I had almost perfected my triple - back - somersault - with - full - kick - out . As I age , though , perhaps I should cut back on the eye - rolling . Posted by Oh , yes , another opportunity to take on the challenge of recreating the best of the internet , and this recipe for Apple Pie in an Apple looked delicious . Instead of a fat - laden double crust , it uses the scooped - out apple shell as the bottom crust , with a darling little hat of pastry on top . And because I 've been trying to watch my nutrients and increase my apple intake but it 's easy to be distracted by . . . . Hey ! There 's some pie over there ! . . . it was a good compromise with my neophyte good eating habits . I pulled out the apples and began to work If I were truly a food blogger I would have photographic documentation of each step of this process , but since I remembered I should be doing this at about Step 47 , you 'll have to take my word that I followed the recipe carefully . Slice off the top of the apple . Use a sharp knife to cut around the edges , cut an X through the middle , scoop out the sections , swing your partner and do - si - do . The crust was a little different from normal pie crusts , but I 'm sure that can be attributed to the recipe 's Portuguese roots - - I think I forgot to mention that this recipe is from a site called Testado , Provado e Aprovado ! , which I believes can be translated as " We end every word with Ado and scatter random vowels around . " Also , some of the measurements were in grams . ( 100 grams of butter ? Say what ? ) Well , maybe not the placemats . Instead , I saw something else . Something that looked less pretty and neat , something that looked , well , pre - chewed . Even possibly pre - digested . Either I translated a step wrong or those Portuguese are amazing food stylists . Either way , I was not going to sacrifice what had taken me an hour in the kitchen to make , so I went ahead and served it to Husband and Fred . They were most appreciative - - Fred even said it was ( and I quote ) " very good . " I love your salty crunch , and your neon - yellow color . I love the grease spots on the bag when I have munched my way to the bottom creases . I love rolling my eyes when Husband blows up the empty bag and pops it during an opponent 's free throw . Oh , yes , he does . He has a graduate degree from a major university , is an elected public official , and laughs like a five - year - old when I jump at the mini - explosion from the next seat . ( Lest you think he 's a bad sport , there is no evidence that it affects the freethrow - shooting player in any way whatsoever . ) Just saying the words makes me shudder . Three loves to play the trombone , and he 's very , very good at it . I , on the other hand , love to think I know how to throw a reception but I 'm not very good at it . Even obsessively poring over internet entertaining sites haven 't helped my ineptitude in planning a get - together with just the right combination of sophistication and whimsy . Martha Stewart I am not . Nevertheless , this was my job , so I forged ahead . I decided early on that this would be a good excuse for using up all the recipes I 'd pinned to my Pinterest board when I was feeling really , really hungry . Cookie Dough Truffles . Cake Balls . Cake Pops . Espresso Chocolate Chip Shortbread . Still , I worried . I don 't have much of a sense of style - - what I did have , with one hour until the recital started , was a big box full of tablecloths and platters and three on - sale daffodil plants . It wasn 't until just before the recital that I knew everything would be okay . That 's when Much Older Sister showed up , and I grabbed her and hugged her and told her she was in charge . " Not a problem - - put the white cloth on the bottom , then crunch up the checked ones on top , and here , we 'll turn these flowerpots over and make the daffodils higher , and how about putting the cake pops in vases . . . " In 10 minutes flat my delightful sister had turned some cookies and tablecloths into A Reception . When the recital was over , it was just a matter of filling the M & M bowls , turning Three 's wonderful friend loose with the punchbowl , and keeping the cookie platters filled . ( As we dragged in coolers filled with cookies I thought I had enough food for eight or 10 receptions , but as it turns out , college kids are pretty good eaters and the leftovers fit into one small box . Go figure . ) People talked and laughed and congratulated the star of the show , and I grinned until my face hurt . I wish I had a better picture of this kid in the grey suit , standing on stage beside the grand piano . I didn 't want to disturb his concentration by turning on the flash so all of my shots are blurry . I don 't need it for myself - - I 'm pretty sure I 'll never forget Monday evening , when Boy # 3 presented his senior recital at Big University . It wasn 't easy . As far as I can tell , the trombone is played as much by instinct and magic as by actual technique , and this is a kid who didn 't deal easily with frustration . His bedroom is over the family room , and in the early years of practicing our television watching was interrupted far too often by stomps of frustration . Monday night he played a recital filled with astonishingly difficult music . I 'd heard pieces of it from the room upstairs from the family room , and I had listened to him take apart and put back together the most difficult passages , polishing each note to perfection . He practiced every spare minute , several hours every single day . I couldn 't imagine , even in hearing those notes hundreds of times , how wonderful they would sound by the time he was on stage . After the recital his trombone professor met Three 's original inspiration for taking up the trombone . Dr . H shook Dad 's hand , both men elated with the performance of the kid one taught and one loved . " One of the best students I 've ever worked with , " the professor said . Well , huh . This was a surprise from several angles , but the most surprising thing wasn 't that the impact didn 't make so much as a chip in that horrible cinderblock wall , or even that my lovingly - constructed brick edging survived . No , the truly amazing aspect is evident in the shot taken from the spot the enthusiastic vehicle jumped the curb . See that little corner of a window on the left side ? That 's the living room . Directly above the living room is our bedroom . Want to know how much we heard of what must have been a fairly significant crash ? Either we are a couple of very sound sleepers or our age - appropriate deafness is catching up to us . Feel free to give your opinion on which you think it is , but don 't expect a response . If we didn 't hear that crash , we won 't hear you , either . Husband , on the other hand , was a youngest child and had avoided babies as if they had cooties . He is a fabulous father , but this fabulous - ness came because he was determined to be up to the role , not because he instinctively knew what to do . The first time I plopped a fretful baby Boy in his lap to be rocked to sleep my prince looked up me nervously . This is a story about tradition . As parents know , traditions are capricious characters . Try to build a tradition and you will fail ( New pajamas for Christmas ? Ha . ) but do something on a whim and no matter how big the pain in the rear this something turns out to be , it will become a permanent part of your life ( " But we allllllways dye our own Easter eggs ! " ) . My father 's mother was a tiny little lady . She was never tall , and by the time she was a grandmother osteoporosis and years of hard work had shrunk her down to kid - height . ( To this day I vividly remember Much Older Sister , on a dare , creeping up behind Grandma and picking her up off her feet with a smug " See ? I can lift her . " Fortunately , Grandma laughed ; for a moment I was sure I was about to become the oldest sister . ) One of her traditions was making Valentine 's Day cookies for her sons . Every year on Feb . 14 my dad walk would in the door with a bag of heart - shaped sugar cookies , each topped with some kind of magical pink frosting that formed a rock - hard surface as it cooled . He doled out the cookies to us kids , and because they were never made any other time of the year , we ate them with almost sacramental reverence . It wasn 't until half a dozen of us were out on her own that Grandma realized this had been a huge mistake . With four sons , six next - generation households , and eight more grandchildren waiting to fly their respective coops , let 's see , the math would be 4 sons + six grandkids x four dozen cookies = starting Valentine 's baking as soon as the Christmas lights were unplugged . So the next year everyone received their customary bags of heart - shaped cookies with one slight change : Tucked into each bag was a recipe card wrapped in plastic . Grandma was passing her sugar cookie recipe on to us , dusting the flour off her hands , and hanging up her apron . A year ago yesterday I wrote the only post on this site that has ever completely embarrassed the Boys . It concerned childbirth and bodily fluids , and my women friends found it HILARIOUS , even while the men in my family were mortified . I do not regret the post ( hey , I warned the Boys that they should avert their eyes ) but it occurred to me that as I was caught up in telling my own story I neglected to give Boy # 2 his proper birthday greetings . So a year later , here they are : I look at your gap - toothed three - year - old grin and it occurs to me that those could be taken for uncomplicated days . A cake with chocolate frosting and dinosaur sprinkles and all was well with the world . You were not , however , an uncomplicated child . You were a big kid who was oddly fragile . This picture was snapped on the one - year anniversary of your first trip to the hospital for asthma . In spite of your robust statute ( you outgrew Boy # 1 pretty much as soon as you could stand up to be measured ) and those rosy cheeks , we spent your pre - adolescent years measuring epinephrine into the nebulizer and waiting for the ensuing rush of hyperactivity that would accompany your re - acquaintance with breathing . You spent several months sleeping in leg braces for a tibial torsion and broke off your front teeth almost as soon as they grew in . Your physical complications were pretty straightforward , though , compared to your . . . Kind of freakish math abilities . This was not a bad thing , you realize , but it is a complication for a mother to realize that her four - year - old has taught himself how to work percentages . One of your grandmother used to tell of the time you were playing cards and you were in charge of adding up the score . She gently urged you to write your numbers more legibly , and you pointed out ( quite reasonably ) that the preschool hadn 't taught you how to write numbers yet . But your math abilities might have flown under the radar if it weren 't for . . . An excess of competitive spirit . Is that a good way to say it ? That being one of four boys brought out the I - MUST - WIN in all of you and there were days when I thought none of you would ever have any friends because when friends play games with friends at least one friend will not WIN and all of you had trouble with that concept when the winner turned out to be Not You . But guess what ? All of those boyhood complications have contributed to your being a pretty nice man . Always being taller than everyone in your class until you went off to college meant that you were expected to mature a lot earlier than your classmates because you simply looked older than you were . That helped you be a leader . Your math abilities have stood you in good stead , thank you very much , Duke University , for the spot in the doctoral program . And your competitive spirit , while it hasn 't diminished , has become much more socially appropriate and you have fabulous friends who are among my favorite people . You are kind and thoughtful , funny and caring , and I could not be prouder of you . This picture was labeled " Mad Bunny . " If you came over today from Swistle , welcome ! Good to see you ! I probably should have dusted , but here , let me move that stuff off the chair so you can sit down for a minute . I am hearing you loud and clear , that your teenagers are driving you crazy . They are fighting with you and with each other . ( The picture above is of pre - teen Boys but Boy # 3 clearly was not loving his costume and most likely took that out on everyone . ) ( Okay , so the bunny suit was lame . Rite of passage , son . ) I am also laughing at the aliens who are sharing your living quarters - - Mr . Irritating McAsinine ! Mr . Slyly - Passively - Disobey ! Mr . Oppositionally Defiant ! Y ' all are geniuses who must have presciently been acquainted with the Boys . But if there is one take - away from my experience that I will repeat and repeat and repeat , it is that if you liked your darling children before they were teenagers , you will like them again some day , and that day will not be as far away as you fear . They will make you laugh , at them and at yourself and at the world around you . They will be okay with your creepy stalking of their Facebook pages ( or will know how to block you from the information they 'd rather not share ) and know you are seeing this message from Boy # 3 to Boy # 1 : Last night , I was up real late working on homework . It came time to start another assignment , and I was faced with the decision of whether to do my homework or go to bed . I looked at the homework , and thought , " ehhh , I 'm not feelin ' it . " Thanks , One , you 've been a great influence on me . One of your jobs as a parent is to remove yourself from the center of their lives without destroying the centrifugal force that holds them together . You want these children to like you when they grow up , but it 's even more important that they like each other because they 'll have each other a lot longer than they will have you . They will not only choose your nursing home , they 'll discuss in minute detail your actions and your words , and they will be each other 's outlet as they laugh ruefully over the latest weird thing you 've done . When they don 't have you , they will have each other , and that 's why you don 't smother Mr . Stomps - Up - The - Stairs with a pillow . Some day , his brothers will need him . Posted by Since it was the Super Bowl , we conserved all the energy we normally would have spent cheering for a team and cheered for the commercials instead . Go , Doritos dog ! Way to be , Weego ! Good job , Mr . Quiggly ! ( Hmmm . . . it seemed to be a dog 's year in the selling department . ) But that dessert ? Oh , my goodness . Baked Hot Chocolate is now officially the most delicious thing I have ever eaten , and well worth every one of the 16 Weight Watchers points it set me back . Other than that , I spent most of the evening knitting and saying , " What just happened ? " when the crowd noise increased . I missed two scores as I concentrated on some tricky stitches ( the intarsia , it was difficult ) , but I managed to watch the last two drives , the excitement of which made up for my complete antipathy toward the two teams involved . The dessert was spectacular and the company was even better . When I was a girl growing up I knew I wanted a big family of my own . Lots of babies - - I loved babies . I never thought much about anything past the baby stage , though . I didn 't think about having toddlers or children . Most of all I deliberately didn 't think about having teenagers , because I had heard older parents talking and I read the child - rearing section of the newspaper . Saying I wanted to have teenagers was practically like saying I wanted to have chronic migraines . Even when I became a mom , and it was wonderful ( albeit exhausting ) , well - meaning friends warned me about the years to come . " You may think it 's hard now , with two in diapers and three with asthma , and with the three meals a day plus snacks , and laundry all the time . JUST WAIT UNTIL THEY ' RE TEENAGERS . " I could hear the ominous " duh - duh - duuuuuuh " notes unsung in the background . I loved my babies , all cuddly and sweet - smelling , and thought " I 'll never like a stage more than I like this . " Then I loved my toddlers and their growing personalities and thought " I 'll never like a stage more than this . " When I had young school - agers , and we loved the same books and could watch World Cup soccer together , I thought " I 'll never like a stage more than this . " Then they became teenagers . Yes , each one of them went through a completely unlikable year , but once that year was over , I began to enjoy my teenagers . They had opinions , some of which challenged my own beliefs . They made me laugh . They worked hard , when they needed to . They had smart , nice , funny friends . Also , they could take their own baths , carry in groceries , and sense when they needed give their mother a hug and when they needed to back the heck off and leave their mother alone . Today is Boy # 4 's birthday and as of today we don 't have any more teenagers . While I 'm sure I 'm experiencing parenthood amnesia ( childbirth amnesia 's more long - lasting counterpart ) , I look back on the Boys ' teenage years with fondness . They were good years . Five days ago ( Saturday ) : Hey ! I feel great ! I think I 'll do . . . something , the exact nature of which I cannot remember now but at the time I had plenty of energy for . Four days ago ( Sunday ) : Oh . My . Gosh . I am dying , and I believe this may be the end of my life so I 'm glad it 's Sunday and after I play at two church services I can die peacefully in my sleep . Three days ago ( Monday ) : I 'm still alive , but I 'm only going in to work for that meeting with my boss and then it 's back to bed . Two days ago ( Tuesday ) : Hey ! I feel great ! I 'm Alive ! I 'm Well ! My headache is gone and I have a spring in my step ! Yesterday ( Wednesday ) : I think I 'm having a relapse . I have a headache , and I am so tiiiiiiired that I just want to lay my head down on my desk and nap , but oddly , the other symptoms of my Great Illness are gone . Today when I pulled the coffee pod out of the coffeemaker I realized that I had inadvertently brewed yesterday 's morning pick - me - up with the non - pick - me - up variety . I switched back to the customary morning pods today , and six hours into the day I 'm feeling great . Awww , look at that ladybug . This is an even prettier picture than I took this morning of the ladybug in my office , the photographing of which was entirely beyond the capabilities of my point - and - shoot camera . ( Seriously - - I now have a dozen out - of - focus shots featuring a ballpoint pen for size reference . I do not concede defeat easily , but a good picture was beyond me . ) My south - facing window sill is a haven for these little hard - shelled darlings during these unseasonably warm January days , kind of a ladybug Bermuda without the overseas flight . Anyway , I wanted the picture of a ladybug ( or , to be exact , a multi - colored Asian ladybeetle ) because , oh , so cute ! So nursery rhyme reminiscent ! So miniature - Volkswagen - ish ! Did you know they bite ? I did not , until one bit me . More accurately , it spurred me . This important distinction was made by the Michigan State University Extension Service in its informational pamphlet , appropriately titled " Multi - colored Asian Ladybeetle Information . " Right there it reassures me that I was not hallucinating when I felt that nip : Sometimes the Asian lady beetles bite skin , but often this stinging sensation is actually caused by small spurs on the beetle 's legs pricking skin as they move and evaluate whether or not the skin is a food source . Fortunately , this is not the most disgusting thing these ladybugs do . Thank you , Mich - St - Ext - Ser , for letting me know that " When multi - colored Asian lady beetles are agitated they give off a yellowish fluid that has a faint , foul odor . This is a defensive reaction to ward off predators . It is called ' reflex bleeding . ' The liquid is exuded from its legs and it can stain . " I 'm a wife , mother , women 's group leader , and would - be writer , and my eBay description would be " Vintage with imperfections . " My youngest son ( of four Boys ) recently graduated from college so Husband and I are the only ones who live at the House on the Corner . I talk about this transition ( and my eyebrows ) here . View my complete profile
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Tag : 1960 's The Man with the Box Brownie It was a great disappointment to me that I failed to find a single photograph of my mother on my trip to County Mayo in April . However , once she had left Ireland to seek her destiny , she did then have the good fortune to fall in love with and marry a man with a box brownie camera - my Dad ! So , happily for us , our family history was recorded from its earliest days - in fact I should say meticulously recorded , for Dad would carefully enter all the snaps , with captions , in a big leather bound album with black pages separated by tissue paper . This album became an essential part of our childhood and survives more or less intact to this day , give or take a few gaps where sisters have " appropriated " various pictures of particular significance to themselves . Here 's the first page : This lovely old book tracks our family 's development , not to mention each new arrival as she came along , and especially in the early pages , provides evidence of events none of us can now really remember . This was how I knew that Mum and Dad visited Ireland with me in September 1955 , the year after her father died . These are among my favourite images of my mother , seeing Nellie through John 's eyes in the early years of their marriage . ( You can click on the individual pictures if you want to have a closer look . ) He 's done slightly better in these pictures of a holiday in Fort William in June 1957 , when my sister Ann was just one year old and I was three and a half . This time he has also captured Grandpa ( George ) and Auntie Catherine , the youngest of George and Jessie 's six children , my Dad 's half siblings . Catherine must have been around 10 in these photos and I do have a memory of her pushing me on the swing and patiently spending hours playing with me in the garden - I absolutely adored her ! I think we must have stayed in the house at 50 High Street , or The Barn ( an adjoining annex ) , and by the look of it we had a lovely time . But as far as I know that was the first and last time Dad took his family to stay in what had been his childhood home . Another selection from the family album shows an occasion when Ann and I were taken to visit Dad 's ship , the MV Bhamo when it was laid up at Princes Dock in August of 1958 . I 've also included a picture of Dad taken during the course of a voyage , and one of his radio room - a whole other life that had nothing to do with us ! Again , I have no memory of this visit … Don 't you just love that his trousers were " past mending " ? I wonder what scrapes he 'd got into to get them into that condition . John never lost the boyish playfulness and enthusiasm that 's displayed in this letter . If any of us ever collected stamps ( I did for one ! ) or made a model or showed the slightest interest in morse code or how a valve radio or a car engine worked , he 'd be there , explaining , showing , joining in . He tried , I 'm not sure how successfully , to teach us to play bridge and he loved corny jokes . He once brought something home for Mum and patiently bided his time until she gave the answer she was in the habit of giving when asked if she wanted a cup of tea , " Just half a cup " . Whereupon he whipped out his prize - HALF a cup ! Mum didn 't have much of a sense of humour for that kind of joke , but we all thought it was hilarious ! The piano playing too carried on into later life . The familiar sound of him playing away on our upright piano would let us know he was home . Here 's how Mary remembers it , " He 'd play Chopin and Debussy , and had a gift for arranging the popular songs of of his youth into his own lovely versions , like Stormy Weather and Stardust . He was a romantic person and bought Mum a pair of earrings every week , which she kept in a chocolate box . " Ah yes , Mum 's earrings , I wonder what happened to them , I used to love being allowed to look through them and try them on . Dad 's piano playing reminded me of Russ Conway , a popular performer who used to appear on the Billy Cotton Band Show on a Saturday night . We would all squeeze up on the family sofa to watch . Dad often arrived home halfway through TV shows , depending on his shift pattern , and would be shushed by us when he wanted to know what was going on , ungrateful children that we were ! In many ways , the boy who wrote the letters points to the man he would become . The man who collected , in blue binders , the entire set of " Knowledge , the new colour magazine which grows into an encyclopaedia " ; the man who spent endless painstaking hours constructing a model bungalow ( long gone ) entirely out of spent matches , setting the walls in place according to his detailed plans . You only have to look at these notebook pages ( preserved for 60 - odd years from when he was studying for his radio certification ) to see how neat and meticulous he could be . He was also meticulous in the way he kept control of the family finances , assigning the cash from his pay packet to the bills and the household expenses , from the largest to the smallest amounts , including our weekly dinner money . He would count this out on a Sunday night and wrap it up in little brown paper parcels complete with our names and amounts , ready for us to pick up on a Monday morning . Beatrice 4 / 11d , Ann 4 / 4d , Mary 3 / 9d . I think those are the right amounts though I can 't remember what Grace had to pay . I think he 'd probably given up doing it ( had he ? ) by the time Jane and Eleanor started school . I don 't know about my sisters , but there was no way I was going to hand over this pre - packaged payment intact as intended - I would unwrap mine ( always sellotaped ) and hand over the cash to the teacher in the normal way , just like everyone else ! ! With hindsight , I suppose I 'd have to say that Dad was just a tad obsessive - compulsive in his manner of fulfilling his responsibilities , as he saw them , as head of the household ! But you know , I also see someone with a rather inflexible personality who struggled to accept and deal with some very hard blows that life had dealt him . I 've said before that he never really got over the death of his Mother when he was only 12 . And it 's perfectly obvious even from his boyhood letters that his expectations were somewhat different from the way his life turned out . As a mother and grandmother I know that you have to learn how to be a parent , instinct will only take you so far , the rest has to be learned as you go along . The way I see it , Dad coped by doing what he always did - by faithfully carrying out what he saw as his duty and staying true to his beliefs and principles . Among the possessions he left behind are some items that say it all - his wedding ring , his wartime service medals , his rosary beads , awards from the Road Operators Safety Council for 5 , then 10 , then 15 years of safe driving . And this one , a tiny wee drawing done by his mother , our long lost granny , Beatrice . I think what I 'm trying to say is that , with Nellie by his side , John grew into the role of father , became less uptight and more accepting . That whatever his faults and failings , they were tempered by his sense of fun and romantic soul . And that he always loved Mum and his six daughters with all his heart - you only have to look at our family pictures to know that the photographer was in love with his subject . I find it very striking that when I look through albums Dad made of his time in the RAF and then at sea , there are lots of photos taken of the places he 'd been to . Whereas the family album contains pages and pages of just us , with hardly a view in sight . In fact I 've only scraped the surface of those family pictures , so we 'll need to come back to them another time . In the meantime , with Father 's Day coming up on Sunday , I 'm going to leave you with my last loving memory of my Dad . It was 1981 , he had come home from hospital - come home in fact to die - and his bed had been set up in our light and airy lounge at the front of the house in Kersland Street . We knew it wouldn 't be long and I had come up from London to say my goodbyes - my own four little ones were very young so it couldn 't be a long visit . I was sitting by the bed just quietly chatting with him before I was due to depart when he crooked his finger for me to come closer . As I leaned towards him he tapped his chest three times with his forefinger and said " Number one daughter " . Let me introduce you to Govan , a historic area of Glasgow on the south side of the River Clyde . According to medieval legend , a monastery was founded here in the seventh century and during the Middle Ages , Govan was the site of a ferry which linked the area with Partick for seasonal cattle drovers . In the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries , textile mills and coal mining were important ; in the nineteenth century , shipbuilding emerged as Govan 's principal industry and brought prosperity . In 1864 , Govan gained burgh status , and was the fifth - largest burgh in Scotland . It was incorporated into the City of Glasgow in 1912 . So what 's all this got to do with my family ramblings you may ask ? Well , Govan is an important character in this blog because it became home to John and Ellen MacFarlane , John and Nellie , when they bought a room and kitchen here at 31 Rathlin Street in around 1956 . It was to be our family home until 1963 , when our parents sold the little flat to a certain R McCaig for the princely sum of £ 275 . This was a private arrangement and my Dad would cross the river once a month to go and collect the instalments in cash . We even still have the receipts … The last time I was in Govan , quite a few years ago , I went to have a look at Rathlin Street and was not surprised to find that the old tenement had been demolished and the space occupied by a playpark . I found this picture from the 80 's on the web , obviously before the playpark was built . Our home would have been just where the empty space is . There are some rather smart looking modern flats on that site now ( some of which seem to be selling at upwards of £ 100 , 000 nowadays ! ) and some nice little houses along the street where I used to walk to school , past what was still Fairfields Shipyard , on to McKechnie Street where there was a cinema on the corner and across Govan Road with the lollipop lady . St Anthony 's Primary was right there at the corner of Harmony Row ; we were so near it would only take me about 5 minutes to walk to school , which I seem to remember I was trusted to do on my own from a fairly early age . If you were a wee bit late leaving the house and the school bell rang , all you had to do was run and you 'd still be on time . I still have my two class photographs from that time , 1960 and 1962 . I 'm third from the left , age 6 , in the middle row in the top one and third from the right , age 8 , in the second row of the bottom one . I can remember a few names - Gemma Corr , Paul Mellon , Anthony , Susan , Gerard , Rita , Annemarie , Sarah … and Alec , I will always remember Alec . He 's in the back row of both photos , third from the left in the top one and second left in the other . One time in class the teacher was filling in some information for the register - mother 's and father 's names , date of birth and so on . He was going round the class and we were telling him our dates of birth . He got to Alec , who just looked blank . Teacher got a bit impatient and said " Come on boy , your date of birth - when is your birthday ? " Poor Alec looked even blanker and said " What 's that ? I don 't have one . " That was the first time in my life I realised that there were children in the world who didn 't get presents or blow out the candles on their birthday cake every year , as I did . Alec was one of the " rough " boys , usually in trouble for fighting , and normally someone to be avoided . But ever after that - and to this day - I had a little soft spot in my heart for him , and looked at him less disapprovingly . Govan seems to be enjoying something of a revival of fortunes these days ( hence the desirable flats ) , but in the 1950 's the tide of its history was at a low ebb . Govan had a reputation as a deprived area of Glasgow with high unemployment and poor housing , including the notorious " Wine Alley " , an estate which had been built in the 30 's . During the war the shipyards made the area a target for enemy bombers and there were frequent reconnaissance missions overhead , and long hours spent in Anderston shelters , for those who had them , for the inhabitants . Not as badly hit as Clydebank , a short distance further down the river , nonetheless Govan also suffered bombing raids , the worst of which completely destroyed a tenement building on Govan Road , killing 69 souls . So this was the post - war Govan where John and Nellie , Mum and Dad , fetched up in the mid - 1950 's , neither of them with any connection to or knowledge of the area or its social mores - they just bought a flat somewhere they could afford . I 'm pretty sure in my Mum 's mind anyway she would have looked upon this as somewhere she was just passing through - as indeed it turned out to be . She never really saw herself as part of , or understood , the culture of this very Glaswegian lower working class area . I don 't think Dad did either , especially as for the first few years he was away at sea for large chunks of time . He had been a radio officer in the Merchant Navy since 1952 and continued in that career right up until 1958 , by which time there were three of us . I 'm told that when I was little I used to call this person who would occasionally come and stay in our house " the man " . I 'm sure that must have been upsetting for someone who set such great store by the family . It 's hard enough for any wife whose husband works away from home , but I am also very conscious that my Mum had no family in Glasgow , no network of friends . Our flat was modest to say the least . For example we had a curtained off " potty corner " , which potty had to be taken downstairs to the outside toilet on the landing below to be emptied . I remember mum bathing the babies in the big ceramic sink in the corner of the kitchen . For us older children the big tin bath would be got out - taking up practically the whole kitchen - kettles boiled for hot water and the weekly bath undertaken with much arguing about whose turn it was to get in first and who would have to make do with someone else 's used water - or maybe we would all get in together ( " she 's got more room than me ! " ) . It 's no wonder it was only once a week , it was such a palaver boiling up all those kettles , and there was usually a lot of spillage while the damn thing was being emptied with pots and basins and other receptacles . Once my Dad had left the sea and became a landlubber ( or maybe when he was on leave ) it was much easier - he could just lift the whole thing up and empty it down the sink . Times were tough for John and Nellie , they had to endure long separations and money was tight . Dad didn 't always appreciate that although he always left carefully calculated amounts of housekeeping money for Mum , this was too inflexible to allow for price fluctuations or emergency purchases and would sometimes leave her short . Many lessons had to be learnt , probably painfully , as their family grew and developed . Eventually the life at sea could no longer be sustained , John found a good job as a bus driver with Glasgow Corporation and came home for good . In later years he would very occasionally talk about the sacrifices he made for his family , as he had loved his life as the onboard " Sparks " , but it didn 't take much to remind him how much he loved Mum and us . If there was a choice to be made there was no contest , even if it did take rather a few years to make it ! I think it took all that time for John and Nellie to finally accept that much though he tried , Dad wasn 't going to be able to continue his radio career on land ; there just weren 't any opportunities in those austere days . But , you know , my memories of Govan are not of deprivation . I 'm not one of those children in the school photographs whose wee faces stare out at you with poverty and hardship written all over them . I 'm one of the ones who is well fed , well dressed , clean and shiny . Maybe Mum wasn 't always as patient as you might have wished ( this is the pot calling the kettle black ! ) and Dad had a tendency to keep harking back to the past , but they made a home for us where we were safe and warm , where we could rely on being fed and clothed , have your hair done up in a ribbon ( " ouch , that hurts ! " ) , toys to play with , books to read , be made a fuss of on your birthday , be taken for walks in the park , be bought comics . It was everything you needed and seemed abundant . Or perhaps I just had very low expectations ! I 'll probably come back to this topic another time … I realised when I was writing this that I have never thought of myself as coming from Govan . When asked , I say " Glasgow " or " Hillhead " , which is indeed where I feel my roots are . Thinking about it now , there ARE some deep Govan roots in there too - you just have to dig a bit deeper to find them , and I find myself happy to do so . Here are some of the things I can remember when I try : This vehicle would take workers and goods up and down Govan Road . It 's going past the Co - op department store where I once bought a cardigan I fell in love with in the window . I saved up all my Saturday sixpences for weeks for it . There were 4 or 5 cinemas in Govan in those days . The Lyceum was the one I passed every day on my way to school . I think I was taken there to see " The Parent Trap " with Hayley Mills . I remember my first Communion and Confirmation in St Anthony 's Church . The Parish Priest was Father Molumby and he would visit his parishioners at home . I was always a bit afraid of his big black cane . I wonder if I subliminally imbibed that feeling of not quite belonging from my parents - I would never have described them as coming from Govan , or even Glasgow . I would say that Mum was Irish , and Dad came from Fort William . They settled in a place that was essentially foreign to both of them and in many ways had to invent our family mythology from scratch . Which perhaps meant that although we were IN Govan , we weren 't OF it .
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I need to start this post with the disclaimer that I have small boobies . If you read this and think " what does she know sitting there with her B cups " I am aware this whole process has been easier because I have a small chest . And I am by no means saying everyone should stop wearing all kinds of bras , more asking you to consider WHY we wear underwired , padded , push - up , cleavage - boosting ones . Are we all on the same page ? Good . Off we go , then . My first ever bra was , I think , a 28AAA . Seriously . It wasn 't even a bra ; it was a bra - shaped crop top . My mum got it for me because , at 13 , I really didn 't have any breasts at all but felt self conscious about not wearing a bra in P . E ; my crop tops felt childish . Like a lot of girls , I think , I grew up thinking breasts were the ultimate sign of femininity and that NOT having breasts meant I was less of a girl . Eventually I got enough in the breasticles department to fill a cup that wasn 't a made up size and off I went and I never looked back . A few years ago I finally came to terms with how much I fucking hate bras . They 've never fitted me properly even after being professionally measured , they always seemed to make my boobs hurt all the freaking time and despite being fairly thin I always got that weird mini fat roll between my bra - encased breasts and my arms that made me feel ugly and fat and self conscious . " But I can 't stop wearing them ! " I thought . " That would . . . just be WRONG . Everyone wears a bra ! What would people THINK . What would they SAY . " I struggled on . Then , just over a year ago I decided I didn 't give a rat 's ass what people think . I 'm uncomfortable enough in my body from the pain of my chronic health condition , without voluntarily adding extra discomfort . So I took the plunge and I did not wear a bra . And no one said a goddamned thing . Without a bra , I felt free . My boobs stopped hurting . The level of comfort I now experienced was just . . . indescribable . But more than that , I felt powerful . For so long I wore a bra because I thought that , as a woman , it was what was expected of me . It was part of the social contract . And going against that , and feeling better for it , made me feel strong . I started to wonder why I 'd even started wearing one in the first place . I 'd not needed the support because of back pain , so why had I bothered ? Because I felt like I was supposed to . Wearing a bra was a sign I was a woman , like starting my period or growing pubic hair , it was a sign that I had Made It . I was part of the club . And I started to feel like the only reason I ever wore a bra was , not because I needed to , but because everyone else needed me to . Because it was expected that my breasts sit at a certain place on my chest and be a certain shape and not move very much and , heavens forbid , never suggest I have nipples . And the more I thought about it the more I felt I 'd been duped . I 'd been wearing these godforsaken things for a decade and I really didn 't need to . Obviously , bras have many practical applications . I know many of us breast - bearers opt for bras for a range of reasons , and going totally braless is not necessarily an option for all . I do think that when we think ' bra ' we think of the underwired variety , probs with a bit of padding for maximum boobage and to guarantee nipple coverage on even the coldest of days , and designed to hoist our breasts up to their socially desirable position about an inch below our chins . Boobies are not supposed to go this way . If they were , that 's where they 'd be already . The point of this post is more to get us to think about what we put our boobs in , rather than just reaching for what we 've always reached for . There 's bras without underwire , sports bras , camisoles with built - in support cups . Regular camisoles . And yes , going totally braless . In the UK , once a woman turns 24 or 25 , she is invited to go for a cervical screening test , or a ' smear ' test . They then need to be tested every 3 years until they turn 50 . My 24th birthday came and went , and my screening letter arrived on my doorstep . I promptly opened it , tossed it to one side , and forgot about it . Why , you might ask ? Maybe it 's down to the fact that I am notoriously bad at booking appointments ; it took me 18 months after moving to actually register with a GP . But I think deep down I was also feeling what pretty much every woman feels when they receive the letter : apprehension . And I 'm not really sure . I 'm quite blasé about illnesses ; I don 't worry about catching diseases or developing conditions . I 'm pretty laid back in life and it 's just not something that I ( thankfully ) have anxieties about . And I knew the procedure might be a little embarrassing , but I 've had several STI tests ( better safe than sorry ! ) and from what I gather , they are pretty much the same . Yes it 's an inconvenience , but it 's over within minutes . Yet I joined the thousands of women who put off having their smear tests every year . It wasn 't until I received my third reminder letter , and my friend ( who I share the same birthday with ) booked her 's , that I figured that I should just go ahead and book mine . Smear tests are performed at your GP surgery , and are generally done by a nurse . I worried about stuff that is ENTIRELY irrelevant . What do I wear ? How much should I groom ? Should I shower before ? Or would that affect the results ? All of this is completely irrelevant ! If you want to be able to cover up quickly , I would recommend a skirt , as you can just whip it up for the action and then flop it back down again . But the nurse will give you as much time as you need to take clothes on and off , so just wear whatever is comfortable . I don 't recommend fifty layers because you will probably end with something upside down / back to front . With regards to the procedure itself - look away now if you 're particularly squeamish ! - it 's pretty straightforward . Once I had undressed from the waist down , I lay down on the couch . They may raise the bed as necessary , so don 't be alarmed if you are two feet higher than when you started ! It 's to save the nurses having to convolute themselves over your nether regions . Next comes the part most people dread : the speculum . It 's either plastic or metal , and is inserted inside the vagina to hold the walls open so that your cervix can be accessed easily . This may feel a little cold , and some people say a little painful , but I barely felt it at all . There is a slight pressure inside as they take the swab . It 's quite hard to describe , but for me it was like a little poke , and just felt very deep ? Like an ' oh , that 's my cervix ! ' kind of response . Bearing in mind the swabbing takes approximately 15 - 20 seconds , and the speculum 20 seconds to put in and out , the actual examination takes less than a minute . They will ask you some basic questions beforehand , and you can expect results within two weeks . The main feeling I came out with is ' why hadn 't I done this sooner ? ' . It 's a relatively pain - free experience , took 5 - 10 minutes of my time , and meant that I can be confident that at least one part of my body is healthy . For the same reason I get STI tested , it 's just for peace of mind . And it 's great to finally tick off my to - do list ! If your sample has any cell abnormalities , it will be tested for human papilloma virus ( HPV ) , and if this is positive , you will be asked to go for further testing , known as a colposcopy . There are over 100 different types of HPV , and only a few of these are linked to cancer . My results showed ' changes to some of the cells in my cervix ' . There was evidence of HPV , but this does NOT necessarily mean I 'll need treatment . If you get the same response , I would please urge you to not panic at this stage . If you have low grade changes , most cases do not lead to cancer . However , a colposcopy should confirm what will need to happen next . How did I feel about my results ? A bit eye - roll worthy , to be honest ! It 's just my luck that this would happen . I 'm glad I eventually went , because having something go undetected could be dangerous , so if I do need treatment , better sooner than later ! At the same time , I know the second test is not a result of me delaying the smear , and it probably wouldn 't have made a difference if I had been tested straight away . What I will say to anyone who has received the invitation letter . . . just go and have it done . I felt a huge relief once it was over , and it 's such a simple procedure . You may not need one if you haven 't been sexually active , so check with your GP to see whether you need one or not . My colposcopy is booked for next week , so wish me luck ! It 'll be interesting to have giant binoculars pointing at myRead More I took about ten days out from my usual volunteering and daily activities recently . I 'd been very stressed and was feeling pretty run down . So I needed a break . Break from the slog of all the things I do . A break from the expectations others have of me " Oh , Emma will do that . " And most of all I needed a break from the pressure I put on myself to do everything and always say yes because I feel like I should . It 's the downside of doing voluntary work - it 's very hard to say no . Especially with all the pressure and expectation from society that we should be working in paying jobs full time and pulling our own weight . I was very clear to everyone what my plans were . I was going to a workshop in Birmingham and to London for two days . And I was going to see a friend . Other than that in the inbetween times I was going to laze around reading , watching TV and knitting . Several people said that sounded wonderful and they wished they could take the time just to be at home and relax . At least one person when told I wouldn 't be available at that time got the impression I was going away for the whole time . I didn 't disabuse them of that notion because them thinking that suited me . I enjoyed it and it was very useful . But getting to the point where I could take this break and put myself first for a few days was difficult . And even a few days before I nearly backed down - I could hear a conversation going on around me how someone was needed to do something that week . They weren 't sure how it could be done . It was one of my usual days and I didn 't have anything planned so for a few seconds I felt like I should speak up and offer to go in as usual . I didn 't though . Because I knew that actually I 'd do better long term and be more useful to them if I did take some me time and recharge my batteries . After ten days I felt better . Still tired but less stressed and run down . I 'd done almost everything I wanted to do . If anything I could have done with it being a few days longer - I didn 't feel ready to go back to my volunteering this Monday ! Going forward I think that 's something I probably need to do much more often . I need to carve out that time ( which I 'm not too bad at doing ) and stick to it ( I 'm terrible at that ) . But more than that I need to find a way to manage the expectations others have of me and get better at saying no to people when I need to . Me time is fantastic and so important . Fitting it in all the time rather than boom and bust like this is more important . I 'm a fairly new feminist . Looking back I 've always had feminist views but I 've only been identifying as a feminist for the last four years . I 'm twenty six and have a lot to learn in my journey into feminism . Today I wanted to share with you some of my favourite feminists of the moment , who inspire me and are making a big impact on the world . This list could go on for a very long time so I 'm hoping to make this into a blog series of sorts sharing about feminists that I love as I go along and discover them . Here are my first group to start with , if you 're not already following the work of these incredible women then I 've left handy links for you to check out . Emma Watson is without doubt one of the most influential feminists of the moment . She 's the public face of HeForShe a campaign for gender equality that specifically encourages men and boys to stand up to sexism . Emma 's speech at UN got everybody talking and has over 1 million views on Youtube here . More recently she 's started a book club called Our Shared Shelf which is an open book club encouraging people to read books on feminism . Shonda Rhimes is a television producer and writer and is known for both her diverse characters and badass leading ladies . Rhimes is responsible for shows such as Grey 's Anatomy , Scandal and How to Get Away With Murder . She 's a small - screen powerhouse dominating TV and changing what normal looks like on our television sets . She 's recently released a book called Year of Yes where she talks about balancing a demanding career and motherhood with refreshing honesty . Laura Bates Laura Bates is the woman behind the Everyday Sexism project and played a huge role in me recognizing that I am a feminist . On Everyday Sexism the public are encouraged to share their experiences of sexism from the big to the small stuff . What makes this project so powerful is that it shows how sexism is happening now everywhere and everyday making the comment " feminism is no longer needed " redundant . Laura has also turned the Everyday Sexism project into a book . Taylor Swift is one of the most powerful women in the world right now . She 's hugely successful off her own talent as a music artist and continuously promotes confidence , self worth and being women positive to her legions of fans . She gets a lot of flack for " not being a real feminist " but personally I think she 's fighting her own fight against sexism in the music industry and doing things her way and that in itself should be respected as being feminist . Blank Space will forever be my personal anthem . Malala Yousafzai Where to start with the powerhouse that is Malala ? She is an activist for female education and is the youngest Nobel laureate . She 's one of the most respected young women in history and has won award after award . Her story is both empowering and inspiring and has been made into both a film and a book . Holly Bourne Holly is the author of four books for Young Adults . She has released the first two of three books in the Spinster Club series that follows the lives of three teenage feminists . I love that Holly is making feminism accessible for teenage girls . I think that it 's so important that girls are taught about feminism from an early age and that 's what Holly does in a really fun and relatable way . The first book in the series Am I Normal Yet ? has recently been shortlisted for The YA Book Prize . Gloria Steinem Gloria Steinem is the very best of feminism and has been fighting for equality since before I was born . She 's a writer and the founder of Ms . Magazine and is both a leader and spokeswoman for the feminist movement . She 's an incredible woman with a mass of awards and credentials under her belt . She 's truly an icon for any feminist . Laverne Cox Laverne is an actress staring in one of my favourite TV shows Orange is the New Black . She 's openly a transgender woman on both the show as Sophia Burset and in her own life . She 's an LGBT advocate and is an icon for the transgender community . She 's won numerous awards such as Glamour magazine 's Woman of the Year and is known globally as one of the most influential LGBT people . If I was to count the number of friends I have , and treat it seriously , I would not get past one . Of course , I have work colleagues I get one with , people from the YA community who I love chatting to , and friends of the family who I think of warmly . But when it comes to real friends - the kind that are there for you no matter what ; who you can talk to all the time about absolutely anything ; who know you inside out and back to front , all your flaws , and love you anyway ; who you can confide in and be silly with and go to for assurance when you 're having a wobble - of those kind of friends , I have one . My best friend . And he lives in Belfast , while I live in London . This hasn 't been a problem for me . I 've not felt lonely or like something is lacking from my life . I have a very close family , and we spend a lot of time together , and they 've come to be friends , too . But at the end of last year , I came to realise that I don 't really have a great social life . With a lack of more friends , perhaps I 'm missing out on . . . something . Fun , sure - nights out , lunch dates , catching up over coffee - but also something more . People help you grow , right ? They challenge you and educate you and give you a different perspect . My best mate does a fantastic job at this , but maybe I could do with a few more people in my life ? And experience more things because of those people ? I decided that I was going to make an effort to try and make more friends this year . For those of you who don 't know , # DrinkYA is one of many social events for those in that YA communinity - readers , bloggers , authors , publishing people - to get together and just hang out , chat , and have a drink , organised by the brilliant Jim . I went to my first # DrinkYA event in January , hoping to meet new people , have fun talking about books , and hopefully make some friends in the process . I have always been quite shy . As a child , I was painfully shy ; I remember once hiding in the bathroom when family were visiting my Nan , because I didn 't know them well , and I got very nervous and didn 't want to talk to them . It 's got better as I 've got older , university and work have helped , but I still find talking to people I don 't know difficult . It 's not something that comes easy to me , and I have to work at it . " Don 't use small talk . Say something interesting , Stop feeling so nervous . Compliment them , maybe . Look them in the eye . Listen to what they 're actually saying . " To some I might seem stand - offish and rude , but I 'm not , I 'm just shy . But I didn 't realise just how socially anxious I was until # DrinkYA . ( I 'm not talking about Social Anxiety Disorder here , but social anxiety . The latter can lead into the former , but it 's not a mental illness . ) I went to the event feeling a little nervous , but generally pretty excited . Until I got there and realised in a group of around 30 people , there were only two I knew . It was overwhelming , and I became so uncomfortable . From my intro post , you might think I was a strong person who is happy in her skin and with who she is , and doesn 't really care what other people think . And for the most part , I am . But at # DrinkYA , I crumbled . Jim did introduce me to a number of people , and everyone was lovely . But I struggled with finding things to say . I let them lead the conversation and followed them , asking questions , trying to say interesting things , but I was like a rabbit in the headlights . I felt like I was being humoured , like they were taking pity on me , but weren 't really interested . It 's hard to describe how I felt . There were all these people , and they were going to judge me and find me lacking , and I just wanted to escape . So I wouldn 't have to talk , so I wouldn 't have to be judged . It was also hard because everyone else seemed to know each other from other social or bookish events , which I can 't always attend because of work , and I was there on the sidelines . So not only was I struggling to talk to people I didn 't know , I also felt like an outsider . I even went to the toilet at one point , just to get away from everyone . For a little bit of peace , a little bit of quiet . With my head in my hands , feeling like an idiot . Eventually , I pasted on a smile and went back up , but it was just as bad . As I said , everyone was lovely - I wasn 't being judged , I wasn 't being pitied , these people were there to hang out and chat just like me . But that 's how my social anxiety made me feel , and it was unbearable . I lasted two hours before leaving , making my way home on the bus , feeling like a failure . How was I supposed to make friends , when I can 't even handle meeting new people ? A few days after , I had a talk with myself . I wasn 't a failure . So big groups are obviously not for me , I can 't handle being around so many people I don 't know . But smaller groups ? I can do that . I organised a get - together with a few people over coffee , and although that was a little awkward at times , I was fine . An old friend from way back got in touch asking to meet up this year , and we had a drink together one night , getting to know each other again and reliving old times . It was a great night ! And I went to a gallery with a blogger from the US who is studying here for a few months . Fewer people , but a step in the right direction . I still have just the one friend , but we 're only in the third month of the year . There 's time . And I 'm hoping that seeing more people at events and organising get - togethers will help me get there . There are several people I know that I would so love to be friends with . People who are so smart , who are just so cool and inspiring , who just seem like so much fun . But it 's not really the done thing to go up to people and say , " Hey , I think you 're awesome . Please be my friend ? " Needy and creepy , much ? But I 'm sure I 'll get there . And if you see me at an event in the future , and I 'm kind of quiet or on my own or not saying very much , please don 't feel badly of me . I 'm not being rude , I don 't think I 'm better than you , nor am I not interested . I 'm just shy , and I 'm probably feeling nervous about talking to you , and maybe struggling for something to say . If you know me online , and want to , please do come over and say hi . You 've no idea how much that would mean to me when I 'm struggling , how much it would help . Now it 's unrealistic of me to say that I 'll feel better about my body by the time I get home from America . With the quantity of guacamole that I intend on eating it 's likely that I 'll feel even worse for a while but then I can begin to address those feelings and work on getting my body back to a size that feels right for me . Just me . No one else 's opinion matters . Skinny or not , bikini body here I come . ( By that I mean a bikini is going on my body . obvs . ) Over the years I 've been called a " drama queen " and an " attention seeker " by my nearest and dearest . I 've been told to " get a grip " and that I need to " stop worrying about nothing . " I think it 's hard for me to write this post because hypochondria is an anxiety disorder that 's hardly ever spoken about and therefore has a long way to go in fighting the stigma surrounding mental illness that we 're just starting to break . For me , living with hypochondria is losing a whole night to googling symptoms and reading about various illnesses online spending hours trying to self - diagnose . It 's lying awake terrified that I 'm ill or dying . It 's having intrusive thoughts about all of the big scary illnesses out there and the chances of me one day having them . It 's about worrying that even getting help for these illnesses , like having surgery , carry a risk of death . Truthfully , having hypochondria is terrifying and something that I often sit with alone . In my experience , when people think of death they see it as a far off thing that won 't happen to them , or at the very least is something that they won 't have to face for a long time . I 'm the complete opposite . I 'm very aware that death is a part of life and that one day I will die and so will everybody that I 've ever cared about . I know that death can sweep in and happen unexpectedly when you 're not looking and so I 've made death my personal enemy . There are so many health warnings these days , everywhere you look from posters to TV adverts . Now I 'm not saying that 's a bad thing , I 'm sure these advertisements save lives . But when you 're a hypochondriac being reminded that 1 of 2 people in the UK will be diagnosed with some form of cancer during their lifetime is not helpful . I look at those odds and I look around at the people I love and a wave of paralysing fear washes over me . Because as well as worrying about my own health I also am a hypochondriac when it comes to the people I love . My family get so annoyed with me when they 're ill . If they have an illness for longer than two weeks I 'm certain that they 're going to die . I will nag at them to see a doctor and spend countless nights until the illness has passed crying myself to sleep and having panic attacks because I 'm certain that something is seriously wrong with them . In society hypochondria is a mental health condition that is still very much seen as a joke . It 's perceived as self - indulgent , dramatic and pathetic but in reality it is a terrifying condition to live with . On a regular basis I convince myself that I am ill and that I am going to die . I may not be physically ill but mentally I am there living it and experiencing it . I believe it deeply and wholly . To me , in my mind , I am sick and I am dying . Fact . And it 's not until my symptoms subside or I get a doctor 's diagnosis that I believe otherwise . It 's petrifying and mentally exhausting . Hypochondria is not a silly , frivolous or indulgent condition to have . It 's no fun to live with and is certainly no joke to be laughed off . I hope that one day it will be seen as the crippling anxiety disorder that it is and treated with the respect it deserves . But until that day I refuse to be ridiculed for a condition that I have as little control over as my OCD , PTSD and Depression . I refuse to be made fun of and refuse to believe that my very real fear is trivial , petty and insignificant . It seems to me that society has a way of telling girls and women that the only way to really fit in and be a girl or woman is if you wear make - up . Every single film , tv show , magazine , book cover , etc , seems to show a picture of a female who has professionally done make - up , and lets not go down the photoshop road where we remove all spots and blemishes too . But , needless to say , staring everyone in the face is this idea that without make up , females just aren 't doing it right . This is how I felt growing up . I would watch as my eldest sister got ready to go to school and it would take her over an hour just to put make - up on . I 'd go to school without it and meet up with my friends who were all perfectly made - up and liked to spend time discussing the newest line that had been released at the weekend while I sat feeling a little confused and alone . I don 't remember when I first started wearing make - up . I don 't know what it was that made me walk into Superdrug and buy my first product . But I have now come to a point in my life where I am physically incapable of living without it . In fact , I actually did an experiment last month just to see if I could live without it and it was hard , I felt uncomfortable , and eventually I was incredibly glad the month was up . I ran back to my BB creame and plastered it on my face with an odd sense of glee . This was a revealing moment for me . As I grew up without a clue , it 's odd to realise that I now struggle without make - up . Essentially the only make - up I use is foundation . Occasionally I might branch out to some mascara and a bit of blusher but that 's as far as I go . Mostly because I wouldn 't even know where to start when it comes to the rest of the make up range . But what I discovered about make - up and me is that I find that wearing foundation is similar to wearing clothes . When I walk out of the house without make - up , I feel naked . It doesn 't matter that usually by the end of the day my foundation has washed off anyway , the fact that to start the day I was free of it , left me feeling so uncomfortable . It felt like everyone was looking at me . Like they were looking at all my ugly freckles , at my face blemishes , at the ugly spots and the moments when my cheeks would heat up , and they were judging me . ( They weren 't , but that 's what it felt like to me ) . It 's a bit like when you get home and realise you have something stuck between your teeth and you realise no body told you about it . To me , not wearing make - up and having no one say anything felt like they were just being too polite . So while it took me a while to first put make - up on , and while I don 't think it 's something that women have to wear , I thought it was interesting to discover that I have now become someone unable to go make - up free . To me , make - up is as essential as wearing clothes . Without it I feel naked , on show , and looked at . Make - up lets me blend in and I 'm able to sit in the background unnoticed . Because with society making it seem normal to wear make - up , not wearing it can definitely make it seem like you 've got a spotlight on you . ( But you don 't , you really don 't ) . So what I want to end this post with is to say that while I am unable to leave the house without make - up on , in some ways I wish I never started wearing it . Because I shouldn 't have to . I shouldn 't feel this uncomfortable about not wearing make - up . If you 're someone who doesn 't wear make - up , good on you . If you 're someone who does , good on you too . I guess what I 'm trying to say is ; ignore society . Whether you wear it or not , do it because YOU want to . Do what makes you comfortable . Because at the end of the day , that 's the most important thing in life , right ? I love music . I love to put it on loud and dance around my flat whilst singing along ( badly but enthusiastically ) . I probably annoy my neighbours when I do that but I can 't make myself stop . There are a lot of songs that have memories wrapped around . Songs that make me smile and laugh . Ones that make the bad days better . And ones I probably shouldn 't love but I just do . And I tend to find a lot of meaning in song lyrics . I 'd struggle to tell you my favourite band or genre because I have ecclectic tastes . I have a special place in my heart for musicals and have a lot of soundtracks in my collection and at the moment I 'm on a big Adele kick . But other than that pretty much anything goes . In this day and age vaginas are everywhere . It 's easier than ever to access porn thanks to the internet . Whether they 're in a picture , gif or video , vaginas can be found all over the place . But as a teenager , no matter how many different vaginas I saw , they all looked exactly the same and nothing like my own . Was something wrong with me ? Many years later it turns out that the answer is no . Labia minora ( inner lips ) and labia majora ( outer lips ) are a completely normal part of the vagina and I wish this was something that I knew earlier in life so I didn 't have to feel so self - conscious about it . The main reason for the increasing popularity of labiaplasties seems to be because teenage girls and young women don 't know what " normal " looks like . Talking about sex is becoming less taboo but it seems that talking about our vaginas is still off topic . Instead girls are relying on porn and text books ( seriously sex ed ? ) to see images of other vaginas which are far from reliable sources . Sadly another factor that comes into it is boys . Because teenage boys are also not given any sort of education on what women 's genitalia actually looks like they 're also seeing their first vaginas in porn . I 've heard of girl 's with completely normal looking labia being referred to as having " hanging ham " or " beef curtains " by their sexual partners . If this has ever happened to you take comfort in knowing that this is down to sheer ignorance on your partner 's behalf . Oh and also ? They 're an asshole . For the record , all vaginas look completely different . The labia minora can be tucked in or stick out , it can be darker or lighter than the rest of the vulva , they can be straight or wavy , thin or thick , wrinkled or smooth , and like boobs one can also be bigger than the other . In length labia can be anything from 0 - 4 inches long . I 'd really recommend getting a hand mirror and taking a look down there . Find out what is normal for you . I promise that whatever you 're looking at is a completely healthy and ordinary vagina . I wanted to speak up today because it seems like , once again , society has far too much to say about our bodies . The vagina is just another body part that 's being used to make us women feel inferior . Your vagina doesn 't belong to society or to your partner , it belongs to you . By talking about what looks normal for us we 're raising awareness and busting harmful stereotypes on what a " pretty vagina " should look like . Just Pull Yourself Together ! " At least it 's not cancer . " " So many people have it worse than you . " " Just pull yourself together ; we all have to deal with stuff have suicidal thoughts , people just think I 'm being over - dramatic and selfish ? Go figure . Some people argue that mental health is easier to go through normal bodily reaction to it you did not just have " OMG A PANIC ATTACK . " Sigh . Can you tell it makes me a bit annoyed ? ! I just wish I could live in a world where it wasn 't a Because , boy , did I lose . And I don 't just mean my mum . I lost my plans to move closer to London with my best friend , my freedom , financial freedom , ability to try for the career I want and being guilt - free when I do something for myself . It didn 't take long before I was in a really , really bad place . I was unhappy , lonely , comfort eating to a ridiculous degree ( an ongoing battle in my life ! ) and I felt trapped and stuck . It was bleeding into every aspect of my days . I pushed people away , desperate to convince them that I was fine , that I could handle everything I had taken on . I couldn 't . There were people in my life that stepped back and left me to deal with everything when I needed that support , but there were also others that I couldn 't get rid of - neither was what I needed , but did I say so ? Of course not . But everything seemed to come down to my job . That was where is spent 9 hours a day , the thing that ruled my life and stopped me from being able to do the things I needed to do . So I left . It changed everything for me . I went on holiday several times , spent time with my sister and my friends , went to book events and became a part of the UKYA community again . When I think of the possibility of not taking that terrifying step I shudder . I don 't know what would have happened , but it probably would have ended with me in hospital . I needed that time to settle myself again . To re - learn how to be a big sister ( and a sort of mum , I guess ) . I needed to come to terms with what I 'd lost , but also with the things I 've gained . I have no doubts about who and what I want in my life now . I 'm a virgin by choice , but it 's not something I really like talking about . I 'm not ashamed of being a virgin - as I said , I choose to be - but I 'm tired of the shock on people 's faces when I say so , their exclamations of , " Why ? ! " , the disbelief in their voice . Immediately after the shock , I can tell from their faces , without me having said another word yet , their judgemental thoughts . We live in a society where being a virgin past your late teens is unacceptable . If you 're not having sex as a teenager , you 're weird . You 're also " frigid " . That , or no - one wants you , because you 're so ugly . Or you 're a lesbian * . Maybe an ugly lesbian . There is so much pressure to lose your virginity at a young age - not necessarily because you want to , but because you don 't want do deal with all the crap from others , you don 't want to be that girl . Nor do you want to be the last virgin in a group of experienced friends . It 's also some kind of stamp of approval : I have had sex , so I 'm wanted , ergo I am attractive . Also , no teenage boy * * is going to stick around if you don 't " put out " . A lot of girls will have sex not for their own pleasure , but to please their sexual partner . I remember my best mate telling me he was on the bus once when he overheard two young teenage girls talking . One said to the other , " He 'll like me if I give him a blow job . " Does that not make you feel so unbelievably sad ? Not only should you not be a virgin , but you should also have a certain level of sexual experience . It almost seems like guys feel it 's a given that you would be happy to perform certain sexual acts , or have sex in certain positions . I think this is probably down to porn ; these acts , these positions are just what 's done . Is there really any conversation any more between sexual partners - at any age - about what they 're both comfortable and happy with , and what they 're not ? Back to me . I am a virgin because , for me , sex has to mean something . As a teenager , I wasn 't as interested in boys as my friends were ; I fancied boys , but I didn 't want to kiss them , let alone anything else . It just wasn 't what I wanted , what I was ready for . And I wasn 't going to be dictated to , and forced into having sex with someone when I didn 't want to , because it was uncool to be a virgin . I feel the same way now ; I will not have sex if I 'm not ready for it . As things stand now , I wouldn 't say I 'm not ready to have sex in general , but as sex must mean something to me , there has to be that relationship there ; there needs to be trust , and while I don 't think I necessarily have to be in love with the guy , there has to be feelings involved , from both of us . I am not in a relationship , and so I 've not had sex . Perhaps if I had been a number of years ago , I would no longer be a virgin . I have no problem with other people having casual sex , but that 's just not for me . The idea of a meaningless one night stand is a massive turn off . There is nothing about the idea that appeals to me . I did flirt with the idea of casual sex once . As a child , I was brought up being told that sex is something that happens between two people when they love each other . I know this isn 't the case now for everyone , but it 's an idea that stuck with me . I wondered if how I felt about sex was down to how I 'd been brought up . Does it have to mean something because that 's what I actually want , or does it have to mean something because I 'm a " good " girl , and that 's what I was brought up to believe ? So when a really hot guy made it pretty clear all he was interested in was sex , I did think about it . Did I want to have sex with him ? He definitely turned me on , and I enjoyed thinking about it . . . but in the end , the thought of actually having sex with him , when we meant nothing to each other , just left me feeling cold . So this isn 't down to how I was brought up , but what I actually feel . And so far , it 's not been much of a problem . I 've had two sexual experiences . One wasn 't so great ; the guy tried to lead us in a certain direction , and when I stopped him , he responded with , " I didn 't think so . " And although he acted like it wasn 't a problem , he continued to try several times more , and I kept having to stop him . He was a bit of a dick , and was quite selfish , to the point where I wasn 't being turned on by what he was doing , and I seriously worried I was one of those people who wouldn 't enjoy sex . The second time was a million times better . The guy didn 't have any problems whatsoever with me being a virgin . He was perfectly happy to go at my pace , and would check I was happy with and enjoying what was happening , and ask if he could do this or do that . He stopped when I asked him to , and didn 't go further than I wanted . He was ok with me not being ready to for certain things . He never rushed me , or pressured me , or expected anything more than what I was comfortable with . He was patient and unselfish . He made it all about me and my enjoyment . And it was amazing . I do sometimes worry that I 'm too old to still be a virgin , that no guy my own age would be willing to wait for me when he could quite easily get his leg over with someone else , whether in or out of a relationship . But I won 't be made to feel I must have sex with a future boyfriend in order to get him to stay . Because of my second sexual experience , I already know it 's not a problem for some . And so do you . Your body - and your virginity - belongs to you . Everyone 's experiences will be different , there 's no right or wrong , it 's about what you 're comfortable with . We don 't have to do anything we don 't want to . We should not feel pressured into anything . And there 's nothing wrong with exercising your right to say , " No . " * I 'm sure we all know that being a lesbian is not a bad thing . These are all the cruel things I heard shouted out in the school playground from immature teenagers , mainly boys . This isn 't what I think . * * I 'm not trying to be heteronormative . This post is based on my personal experience and that of those I knew when I was a teen . Here at Safe Space we understand that it 's hard as f * * k being a girl . Periods , sexism and trying to put on eyeliner can be all in a days work . Safe Space is a place where a group of women bring you posts about trying to hold their shit together . Talking honestly about mental health , feminism , sexuality and other important life stuff . No judgment , no hate , because it 's already tough enough being a girl . Ah , Damage . How could a book be so difficult to write ? To be honest most ideas are pretty hard to get out on paper , but thi . . . Hello All ! We have a bit of a different post here on Safe Space today . We 're throwing all the toys out the pram - so to speak - as . . . I am not a fashion expert . It is one of the things that I am very , very aware of . In fact , I am probably the opposite of a fashion expert . . .
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Micah is doing this and I 'm going to give it a shot too : The first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me ! My choice - For you . This offer does have some restrictions and limitations : 1 . I make no guarantees that you will like what I make ! 2 . What I create will be just for you . 3 . It 'll be done within a year . { might be a little while } 4 . You will have no clue what it 's going to be . It may be a story . It may be poetry or maybe even some creation I haven 't even invented yet . I may draw or paint something . I may bake you something and mail it to you . I may even sew something for you . Who knows ? Not you , that 's for sure ! 5 . I reserve the right to do something extremely strange . The catch ? Oh , the catch is that you must re - post this on YOUR blog and offer the same to the first 5 people who do the same on your blog . Apparently this is the 30th anniversary of the Walkman . ( Hans , correct me on this but I think we got ours about 1984 or so . . . ) . Anyway , the BBC asked a modern kid to swap his I - pod for a Walkman and the results are kind of interesting . [ Warning this brought home the generation gap to me in a way that almost nothing else really has . ] When I saw it for the first time , its colour also struck me . Nowadays gadgets come in a rainbow of colours but this was only one shade - a bland grey . It took me three days to figure out that there was another side to the tape . That was not the only naive mistake that I made ; I mistook the metal / normal switch on the Walkman for a genre - specific equaliser , but later I discovered that it was in fact used to switch between two different types of cassette . He was also bugged by the lack of a ' shuffle ' option . Man , that takes me back though . Combined with all of the Michael Jackson nostalgia it 's like a mid 80 's revival ! Throw in some strap on roller skates and a Union Jack hat and the picture is complete . And , upon reflection , that picture ain 't so pretty . . . Let 's see what we 've got tonight . . . We have an old fashioned box shaped TV . We plan to have this TV for awhile , until it breaks or an absolutely great deal on flat screens . Probably . We 've noticed that more and more shows are formatted for the wide angle and that means that the ends are cut off . I 'm kind of afraid for what football games will look at this fall . It 's been about four months since we reduced our cable . Obviously we 've gotten by somehow . I do miss some of the other channels . The sports and the movies . And especially the music channels . Speaking of music , I - Tunes has added to their library . I complained that I couldn 't get this or this . Now I have them . And this one gets stuck in the FP Gal 's head . BTW , this is my new favorite video of Relia . Last night 's dinner featured plenty of tongue wagging . That 's it ! Yesterday we went for a trip up north . We left in the morning , first stopping at the gas station for gas and munchies . The FP Gal got some milk to share with Relia . She let her take a sip and then took it from her while I got on the interstate and needed to accelerate . There were protests and I told her she needed to be patient . She waited one beat and with perfect timing screamed , " No ! " . It was very funny . Up we went and she didn 't sleep at all on the drive . We stopped at the rest area just outside of Duluth and were treated to thick , thick fog . I love that cool moist deliciousness . It turned out that the clouds were at that exact level , once we drove down the hill it was open space . We had a quick spot of lunch and then drove further north to a beach that the FP Gal loves . There is a small turnout and then a short walk to the rocks . The whole thing is largish surf rounded rocks and stones . We tried to teach her how to skip rocks and ended up giving her a love for throwing stones and yelling . Just as well . Then back to town for our party . You might remember the get together with my former high school friends back in January . Back then we decided to try it again in warm weather . That was yesterday . A little different mix of people but still lots of fun . ( If we keep this up and just add a couple more each time we could have the unofficial class of ' 91 reunion all on our own . ) Then back home , much too late for Relia . We some quiet moments and some screaming . We had an ill timed gas refill that resulted in more outrage . She finally collapsed about ten minutes from home , a good three hours later than usual . Got her into the house , changed her and put her down . We were both in bed shortly after . A very good , but long , day . There are some people who insist on driving in the left lane even though they aren 't passing anyone . Often these people will drive right at the speed limit . Sometimes they will speed up a notch if you try and pass them on the right . These people are jerks . ( Yes , the one that came out last month . ) We finally got a chance to go out and see it today . It was fun ! And very well done . We 're glad that we went . Not a good enough review ? Ok , so this movie goes back to tell the story before the original series starts . There are introductions of all the old favorites , all well done . The storyline worked and the special effects were quite well done . I hope the same crew makes more Star Trek movies . ( One small thing , they don 't really show a ' cliff ' in Iowa . I think it 's some kind of quarry . ) For today , let 's try and forget the complete weirdo that he became . Here is a video from back in his happy days . At least he looked happy . Happiness and celebrity don 't really mix well . The new Transformers movie has been roundly panned and I don 't plan on seeing it . Did see something interesting today though . The full title is Transformers : Revenge of the Fallen . ( Why do movie studios do this ? Just call the dern thing Transformers 2 and be done with it . You 're not adding any value by giving it a subtitle . You just aren 't . ) Anyway , I 'm seeing the title abbreviated as Transformers : ROTF . In modern textspeak ' ROTF ' means ' rolling on the floor ' and it usually means ' I 'm laughing so hard that I 'm rolling on the floor ' . I don 't know how deliberate the chosen title was but ' Transformers : Rolling on the Floor ' is a great title . ( For some reason I can picture Kevin Bacon in it . ) It made me wonder about other possible good movie subtitles for Transformers 2 : When Teamates FallOptimus Makes GoodLiving on LoveKeeping The Halo X - ray Beyond All InternsIn My Hellish Others The Oscar people are expanding the Best Picture nominees to 10 starting next year . That 's twice as many as they 've had for the past sixty some years . Coincidentally , that 's how long the award broadcast will now last . Does that mean that they 'll follow my advice and split the award between dramas and comedies ? Mr . Ganis said that no changes had been made to other Oscar categories . He also emphasized that the nominees would not be subdivided , as with the Golden Globes , which are awarded for best drama as well as best comedy or musical . All 10 nominees will compete for one best - picture award . Nope . Still , if this means that ' Up ' can move out of the Animated category and compete with the big boys , that makes me happy . Also found this interesting from the article : In all about 300 films were eligible for awards in 2008 . Were that to hold going forward , roughly one of every 30 films would become a best - picture nominee . That makes it sound like overkill . And it also means that if I did the movie project for the 10 's I 'd have to watch a full 100 movies . ( Of course by that time I 'd probably be toddler free and would have time to watch them again . . . ) I 'm curious what the list will look like . The FP Gal brought Relia into my office today . It 's my short day so they timed it to match my finish time . She walked around and said ' hi ' to everyone . Well , she did the cute little toddler wave mostly . Yep , she 's into the shy phase . I 'm torn about it . In some ways I wish that she was as active and funny as she is at home with us . On the other hand , I like that she wants to stay right with us . It 's better than her trusting strangers too much . We did coax some animal noises out of her . And she was very happy to see a picture of an airplane . It 's one of the words that she knows well . She even pointed out a triangle in the carpet . I didn 't even know that she knew triangles yet ! All very cute of course . It 's been some time since I 've done one of these : This is one of the funnier things I 've seen lately . I 'd like to get half a dozen of these for my car . Numbers 2 , 4 , 7 , 9 , 10 , 12 and 16 . Especially number 10 . The ice cream turned out mostly ok . It froze more solidly than past batches and I blame that on the unmixed heavy cream . Still much better than any other blueberry ice cream out there . I love this idea . I could contribute some concepts myself . My writing notebook is already more full than it will ever be emptied . This was easily the funniest thing I saw today ( via Althouse ) . Let me start this post by saying that I know I have an unusual name . Well , unusual form of a common name . ( And actually that isn 't as true anymore . According to this it 's the 183rd most popular for boys and falling . It 's less common than it has been in the past 130 years . ) Anyway , I 've long thought that people with unusual names need to be forgiving of misspellings . It isn 't done on purpose . So when someone calls me ' Pete ' or writes my name as ' Peter ' it doesn 't bother me . But I do run into a misspelling that I don 't understand . People often write my name as ' Pedor ' . I 'm not sure where the ' o ' comes from . I asked a longtime coworker about this and she told me that she has trouble not spelling it with an ' o ' . And she couldn 't tell me why . My current theory is that they get so freaked out by the 'd ' that they completely biff the second vowel . But that doesn 't explain why it isn 't an ' a ' or a ' u ' . Again , I 'm not bothered by this . I 'm sure it 's an honest mistake . I just don 't understand the phenomenon . . . Let me tell you about my day : It started well with a nice long stay in bed . Then downstairs and a big hug from Relia . She really has become a top notch hugger . Just flies right at you and picks up her feet at the end . The the FP gal had her bring me a package and a card . The package featured peanut butter cups and the card was signed by both of them . When Relia took her morning nap I had some breakfast and then up to read ( and a brief nap of my own ) . Very nice and practically my favorite morning routine . Then we met the FP Gal 's family at Outback for lunch . Good conversation and possibly the tenderest cheeseburger I 've ever eaten . Relia was especially cute and after she ate we sat next to each other and played . Back home and I watched my White Sox beat the Reds 4 - 1 . The FP Gal watched the last inning with me and that 's always fun . Some people are bothered when questions are asked during a game but I kind of thrive on it . More reading and then the dinner for Relia . After she was tucked into bed I made a pizza for myself . One of the best on the frozen dinner market but I won 't mention it for fear that they 'll discontinue . A very nice day and I can 't thank the FP Gal enough . She really went all out to make the day special . Thanks hon ! We tried very hard to plan a vacation this summer . We had hoped on a week in Washington so I could further my plan to get the FP Gal to fall in love with a town out there so we could move . No go . Partly because of money , probably more because Relia is just not easy to travel with right now . Instead we are going to stay around here and enjoy a little stay - cation . We did this back in 2006 and had lots of fun . We planned for something each day and had a very good time . We hope to do the same this year but we need help . That 's where you come in . 1 ) We need advice . We 're looking at things to do either in the Cities or just a day trip away from here . Keep in mind that we 'll have an almost two year old with us . It 'll happen over the last week of July . What should we do ? 2 ) We could also use some volunteers for babysitters . If anyone out there wants to take Relia overnight that would help us greatly . It might let us expand to something a little further away or at least later at night . ( Offer extends to family and friends only . ) Don 't worry , we 'll blog the whole time and take tons of pictures . In fact , I 've got a silly little project that I might throw in to liven the whole time up . We 'll see . Anyway , we could use some help , especially with advice . You may remember that my dear sister bought me an ice cream maker last year . I made two batches of banana ice cream and nothing since . ( The FP Gal has made some peach slush stuff but that doesn 't really figure into this story . ) Lately I 've gotten the idea of making some blueberry ice cream . I looked at the recipes that came with the maker and decided to modify the one for strawberry . It called for putting the fruit in a bowl with lime juice and letting it ' macerate ' for a couple of hours . I could be wrong but I think that ' macerating ' is how mother birds feed their babies and it didn 't sound right to me . It also sounded more complicated than I really wanted to deal with . Then the FP Gal ( who really is smart about this stuff ) suggested that I use blueberry pie filler . Brilliant ! So I tried that and the ice cream is setting up as we speak . To be honest , I screwed up part of it . I mixed the heavy cream with the milk and sugar . It didn 't really mix well and I 'm pretty sure that the consistency will be a bit wonky . The good news is that I made a half batch so I could try over tomorrow if it just won 't work . The best part ? I warmed up some of the leftover filler and had it ala mode . Very , very yum . Last night we had some pretty active clouds drift by south of us around 1030p or so . Most of the flashes were within the clouds , we didn 't see anything hit the ground . Light rumbles , no sharp claps . Very beautiful . ' Castle ' is an alternate history novel that takes place some fifteen years after World War II . This history diverged in the 30 's as Roosevelt was assassinated and his terms were replaced by ineffective , weak and isolationist Presidents . That leads the US to be totally unwilling to help it 's European allies and unprepared for Japanese attack . As a result the Axis won the war and split the US down the middle with Japan controlling the west coast and the Germans controlling the area east of the Mississippi . The story follows half a dozen people mostly in the San Francisco area . It shows the big cultural differences between the German and Japanese conquerors and how the vanquished are reacting . The I Ching has become a part of everyday life and is widely used as a daily oracle . Also interesting is a popular novel in the book written as an alt - history in which the Allies win . This is a very good book . It shows a highly textured and complete world . I 'd call it a must for WWII buffs , especially students of the German political set up of the period . The only drawback is that it ends without real resolution . Of interest to me is that Dick wrote the novel using the I Ching as his guide . He cast for guidance at each plot divergence and essentially let the I Ching do the writing for him . That pretty much guarantees an unpredictable plotline . I 'm also not sure that this really belongs under the ' science fiction ' label . Interestingly , Dick makes an argument in the book itself that alternate histories belong there . If you read the description as ' speculative fiction ' then it fits rather neatly . In the end it was voted on by people at the science fiction convention and it obviously cleared the bar in their estimation . I just don 't think I would have gone that way . Strib story is here . Dad said that the damage seemed to be in Mapleview and along the northern edge . No serious injuries , so that 's nice . Got this link via a friend from Facebook . It 's an account of a pair of Sims characters that were created as homeless . The account has screenshots so you can see them and their reactions . ( For those who don 't know , ' Sims ' is a game where you play a simulated person . You find them a job , try to keep them happy and deal with their problems . I 've heard it 's very addicting . ) I 'm working on a bedtime system for nights when Relia is upset about getting changed . Usually she fights taking each article of clothes off and putting each bit of pajamas on . It 's quite a struggle and tears and yelling are prominently featured . The thing is she only fights the last development . If she can get her shirt back on she forgets that she fought hard for her pants . That leads to the ' one too far ' thing . The other night I fought for each bit of clothing off and then on . And then I told her I was taking off her socks . More unhappiness , of course . Then I relented and put the socks back on and she settled down . I don 't feel great about this but it works and it 's not terribly harmful , right ? ( Via Althouse ) Here is a list ( and descriptions ) of the seven basic types of bookstore customers . The list is from the manager of a bookstore in the UK ( I think ) . If you think it reads with too much contempt , read the follow up here . I belong to the category of ' Browser ' . The Strib had an article today that suggested cooler than average weather this summer . That will fit in with our cooler than average winter and cooler than average spring . Any guesses on what autumn will bring us ? I wouldn 't mind a cooler summer . I don 't care for long stretches of hot and humid . The annual debate in Minnesota has to do with which is worse , freezing winter or sweltering summer . My answer has long been that neither one is any fun to deal with . So if the average highs stay in the 70 's that would be A Ok with me . Unless the trade off is less rain . Usually the big storms start in April and we get them every week or two throughout the summer . So far we 've had one thunderstorm and that one was in the middle of the night ! No heavy rains either . Very disappointing . Right now we have heavy clouds all over but nothing is happening . Something like this . We 've been here before . I don 't know if the urban heat island effect is nudging the storms aside or what but it 's tiring . C ' mon clouds ! Open up already ! Didn 't mean to not post anything this weekend . Sorry ' bout that . Nothing really caught my fancy I guess . The FP Gal is down in Iowa tonight with Relia . Her grandma died this week and the funeral is tomorrow . My work schedule prevented me from going with her so I had a quiet day at home to myself . Nothing exciting to report . Hopefully I 'll have something interesting to say tomorrow . . . Four years ago today the FP Gal and I ambushed our collected families with a wedding . ( Best version told here . ) It 's been a wonderful four years and I 'm so happy that I met you . Relia is a nice bonus , too ! The FP Gal has posted pictures and video from the wedding ( sans my singing ) on her site . ( P . S . Yeah , right ! ) First a trivia question : of ' Friends ' ten seasons , how many finales featured either a wedding or a birth ? Answer later in the post . With our recent reduction in cable and our Tivo 's habit of picking sitcoms for us to watch , we 've been watching an absolute ton of ' Friends ' reruns . We enjoyed it during it 's original run so it 's not so bad . Although the value drops every season after season five and none of the six were likeable by the end . Anyway . . . the FP Gal and I were talking about what a ' Friends ' themed wedding would be like . We figured it would have things like : It would take in a partially torn down building with strings of lights everywhere . The caterer would prepare chicken breasts . The bride and groom would have ink drawings on their face . One bridesmaid would have her dress tucked into her pantyhose and her tush hanging out . One groomsman would carry a dog down the aisle . The minister would be dressed as a dough boy . The bride would escape out of a window . There would be a large amount of lesbians . During the service , the groom would say the wrong name . At the reception , the maid of honor would sing ' Copacabana ' . The groom wouldn 't be able to dance afterward because of slick shoes . Neither the bride nor groom would remember it the next morning . The trivia question answer is six . Realized that the lack of contest pictures made for a very texty week so far . So feast your eyes on this mountainscape . I 'm not sure where the pic was taken but it looks a bit like Rochester . We 've been outside more and more with Relia . She 's walking on her own and we 're trying to teach her to respect cars while we cross the street . That means looking both ways before crossing the street . ( It also means holding her hands whenever she 's near the street ! ) The FP Gal mentioned that some kids think of looking both ways as a kind of magic spell . If they look left , right , left then cars can 't be a danger . I doubted this a bit but she 's a teacher and has much more experience with kids than I do . To combat this I 've taken to looking both ways and announcing " No cars , " before moving on . My hope is that we would emphasize that we are watching out for cars and only when there are ' no cars ' do we keep walking . Makes sense , right ? Well . . . now whenever we walk into the street ( like when we put her into the car ) she just keeps repeating , " no cars , no cars , no cars " . Yep , just like a magic spell . Ok , so I work at a call center , right ? People call us and we help them book travel . The call comes in and a template pops up on our screen with various bits of info such as the callers name and which company they work for . Do you have the mental image ? First we verify the name and then we ask them for a phone number that we can call them at if we become disconnected . It 's good to have that number but it 's usually not the question that the caller expects . This is especially true if they are having an emergency or are distracted or something like that . Sometimes they start to give you a phone number , realize that it 's the wrong one and then as fast as possible give you the correct one . That means that you have to quickly backspace so many characters and then ten key your butt off to get the right number in the template . Not so easy . In fact , if you wanted to make certain someone couldn 't call you back this would be the best way to do so . ( Except flat refusing to give a number . Or giving a number but lying about it . Or throwing away your phone . ) It 's human nature , I think . They want to correct a mistake without taking up too much time . I get that . But . . . c ' mon people ! Work with us . No , actually a call to stop movie lists . Or something like that . In an essay modeled after Bloom 's book , Schrader says academics and journalists have abdicated their role as arbiters of taste . He argues that film profs are more obsessed with analyzing the political subtext of movies , while the media churn out best - of lists defined by money and celebrity , not aesthetics . Schrader argues that the " great middle " of film criticism - serious yet accessible film discussion - has disappeared , pushed out on one side by jargon - filled academic studies , and on the other by mass - media film reviews that are little more than consumer guides . And so on and so forth . Just remember that if you 're not appreciating camera angles and long , unbroken shots then you 're doing it wrong . How dare you appreciate a story or ( God forbid ! ) an emotional response to a film . Seriously , what 's wrong with these people . Actually , I 've got a theory on that . By creating a steep set of standards and criteria , they can look down their noses at the masses . Also they can talk in their own language and seal off the common folk . Feh ! ( And while we 're talking criticism , how can you write an article that long with so many one sentence paragraphs ? Double feh . ) The FP Gal asked my opinion on this article : Faced with a growing number of complaints from travelers , the Metropolitan Airports Commission is considering a $ 1 million proposal for new signs on the freeways approaching Minneapolis - St . Paul International Airport directing drivers to " Terminal 1 " ( Lindbergh ) or " Terminal 2 " ( Humphrey ) . The new signs would also list which airlines fly out of each terminal . Some people are outraged by this because a ) the price and b ) they think people should be able to tell which airport to go to , due to the note on their itinerary if nothing else . Well , I 'm in the travel business and I think it 's an ok change . For those of you who don 't understand the problem , the Twin Cities has two different airport terminals . They are unconnected and right next to each other . Presumably ( due to the sited complaints ) travelers are getting confused and going to the wrong ones . Apparently the price isn 't just for a few signs , but also for a public awareness campaign . I don 't know how necessary this is but our public officials aren 't very stingy when it comes to spending money . A sign with lists of airlines that use each terminal seems to make the most sense to me . I 'd think that would be enough . I can see a need for the overall effort . When someone says to me , " Go to the Lindbergh Terminal " I have to stop and think about which one they mean . I mentally translate to ' Big terminal ' and drive accordingly . Humphrey is ' the smaller one ' . That must be the thought process for others as well . What do you guys think ? We 're finishing up a cool wet weekend . No complaints on the wet part . This May was the third driest in recorded Minneapolis history . We had something like . 5 inches of rain for the whole thing and that 's much too little . The drizzle started yesterday morning around 10a and continued through the rest of the day . More of the same today . I like the overcast days and I 'm not complaining at all . Well , I will complain about the temperature . It 's been cold . Like barely over 50 degrees . And more of the same throughout the rest of the week . All this after a cold May and April . And the long cold winter that we just had . I like temperate climates , I really do . But this is a bit much . I wonder if July will be warm . While putting her to bed tonight , we read ' The Going to Bed Book ' by Sandra Boynton . The book consists of different animals on an ark getting ready for bed ( brushing teeth , getting on pajamas , etc . ) . She proudly pointed to various critters and told me what they said or what they were . ( On a side note , all pigs say " ink " . ) When we got to the rhino she said , " Daddy , daddy ! " . She was full of confidence in her pronouncement . I 've long said that I have a face for radio , but not once did I think I looked like a rhino . It could have been worse , it could have been a walrus . Whenever Relia finds a piece of furniture out of place , well , it 's not good . She keeps saying , " Oh no ! Oh no ! " and tugging on us until we set it right . Most recently this has been happening if she finds the FP Gal 's exercise mat in the living room floor . But any change will do . I don 't remember this bothering me when I was young . I asked both of my parents and they don 't remember it either . However , my mom also told me that she almost never moved the furniture around . ( Now that I think of it , the house that we lived in longest in Austin really did have an almost permanent set up . I think the living room changed shape exactly once in more than a dozen years . Can that be right ? ) Anyway , it 's pretty cute . Mostly . If a human baby was raised by aliens , completely cut off from humanity at large what would he become ? If you then introduced that same man back into the world would he be able to handle it ? That 's the situation that Heinlein based this book on when he got the idea to write about a Martian named Smith . He wanted to create a story where he could take an outside look at what he termed as the two biggest sacred cows we have ; sex and religion . And man , does he have fun with it ! It 's hard to overestimate the impact this book had back in the 60 's . It became something of a counter - culture bible . It even inspired an actual church . Heinlein has openly said that he wrote the book to provoke people to ask questions . This book features one of my favorite Heinlein characters , Jubal Harshaw . Jubal is an old man who is some combination of writer , doctor , lawyer and rebel . Several passages of ' Stranger ' feature long conversations with him as he tries to explain something to Smith . One passage gets to the heart of agnosticism , another ( very touching ) one is in praise of Romantic sculpture . ' Stranger ' is an important book and well worth reading but it 's not one of my favorites . The portions that deal with sex aren 't really convincing , especially since they seem to require an almost superhuman lack of jealousy . In fact , they derive from Smith 's Martian upbringing , so maybe the better term is ' extra ' human . In any case I 'd need some convincing that mere mortals could live up to the terms . When Heinlein originally gave the book to his publisher they had him cut it by some 60 , 000 words . After his death in 1988 his widow found the original version and decided to publish that one as well . I first read the edited version in my teens and picked up the longer one in the 90 's . For this project I went back to the original since that was the one they rewarded . I prefer the longer one . Round eight answers : 36 . Sydney Opera House , Sydney Australia37 . ( Blue Mountains , Australia ) 38 . ( Church of St George , Lalibela Ethiopia ) 39 . Great Sphinx , Giza Egypt40 . Twelve Apostles , Victoria Australia ( I 'm accepting sea stacks , since that describes the structures ) Which brings the final scores to : Michelle 26Hans 6Jen 2Carrie 2Mom 2Since this is the end and the score is pretty well settled , I filled in the last two answers . For the record , the church in Lalibela was featured in an Amazing Race episode a few years back . They carved it out of rock and it 's fairly impressive . The Blue Mountains were a tough one and the only way I got it was by cracking the code of the contest . Almost all of these sites are Unesco World Heritage Sites . Once I figured that out , it was simply a process of looking through lists until finding a match . Michelle , I 'm curious if you did the same thing . . . Speaking of Michelle , congratulations on a truly impressive win ! I 'll have your prize together sometime in the next couple of days . I hope everyone enjoyed this . I 'm thinking of doing it again later this summer . I have loved this one each time they 've done it at work . Not only do you get to see some beautiful spots , but you also get to stretch your cultural trivia mucsles . And maybe plan out some future vacations . . . I was listening to the radio last week and the announcer was wondering if teens these days enjoy music as much as he did back in the 80 's . He doubted it mostly because he really loved his bands and it 's hard to see how any of today 's music could really measure up to that . Mentioned it to the FP Gal and she thought that of course they love it as much as we did . Pretty much everyone thinks the music of their formative years was greatly superior . It was the soundtrack for a great time of their life after all . That 's pretty much true but I don 't think that we can really just assume that the teen relationship with music has stayed static or that it won 't change . ( Comments from you folks that actually lived through this time are welcome and appreciated . ) Consider how much has changed in the way we get music . In the 30 's people got popular music from the radio . You had no control over what was played . I don 't really know what how different radio stations differed in what they offered but my sense is that they were mostly similar . This changed as record players became more widespread ( 50 's ? ) and the pop star infrastructure became more powerful . People now had control over their own music and ( more importantly ) a format for more permanent storage . They didn 't need to keep listening to whatever was popular on the radio , they could determine their own song list . On came the 60 's and music became a defining individual trait . You couldn 't be part of the counter culture unless you listened to certain stuff . Or you could stick to mainstream or join the growing appreciation for jazz . Or just stick to your records from the 50 's . The 70 's brought cassettes and 8 - tracks to cars . Radio 's dominance eroded even more . I think that more and more different formats of radio became available then too . Popular music was even more fractured . And you could still listen to 50 's and 60 's music without any difficulty . The 80 's continued this and later in the decade a large portion of the popular stuff was openly recognized as different and called ' Posted by You 've all probably heard about the missing AF flight today . It comes as something of a surprise as it 's very unusual for a large plane to just disappear in the Atlantic . Not surprisingly , it was the talk of the office . In some past air tragedies , we 've had clients from our office in the air but I don 't think we did this time . The routing of Rio - Paris isn 't a common one for US businesses . Am I the only one that immediately thought of ' Lost ' ? Will the disappearance of a large jet over water always have that association from now on ? We can only hope that some strange thing has happened and that there is some hope of survivors . One strange ( and kind of spooky ) coincidence also occurred . I 've got a page - a - day calendar at work based on the ' 1000 Places to See Before You Die ' books . Today 's page was about Fernando de Noronha a series of islands off of the coast of Brazil that was the starting point for the Brazilian Air Forces search patterns . ( Hans , did you ever sail through there ? ) This must be a terrible thing for the families of all involved . Absent the unlikely miracle where they find survivors , I hope that they can at least find enough evidence to provide closure . This morning when I went into the nursery to get Relia I discovered that she had removed her nightie and diaper . She was calmly standing there , all starkers . In her hand was the nightie and she 'd helpfully rolled up the diaper too . ( Fortunately , the diaper was merely wet and not dirty ! ) I 'm hoping this is a one time deal and not the start of a trend . . .
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I 've dragged my feet a little bit this year … I admit it . Light the Night is October 14 , less than a month away and I 'm just getting started on Team Tanner 's fundraising . I must confess that it has been tempting to just forget about the whole thing . Not because I don 't love this event or because I don 't fervently believe in the cause , but because I sometimes just want to close my eyes and pretend none of this ever happened . But , it did , and it continues to happen to children and adults every day . And nothing will be solved by pretending that leukemia doesn 't exist . So , I 'm putting on my big girl panties and announcing that we will host our third Leukemia and Lymphoma Society Light the Night team on October 14 at LP Field . As you can see , Team Tanner had a nice , big team last year . And , I hope you will consider coming to walk with us this year . It is really a wonderful , celebratory event . We walk through downtown Nashville at night , across the Shelby Street bridge , down First Avenue and back across the river on the Woodland Street bridge . We carry beautiful lighted balloons - red in support of someone battling or who has survived blood cancer , white for the survivors themselves and gold in honor of someone who has lost the battle . I can 't really explain the way I feel when I look back across the bridge and see that sea of lighted balloons , except to say that it is a wonderful visual reminder that we have not been alone in this fight . It is not a strenuous walk ; just two miles of celebratory strolling . Tanner and Jake walked most of it last year and rode some in a wagon . There were even fireworks over the water . This year , the walk is on a Friday night , which makes it a lot easier for kids to attend , so I 'm hoping we might get a nice group to walk ! I was worried that Tanner would have a really hard time today at clinic since it was the first clinic visit since she had her port removed . That means she had to have needle stick in her arm to get blood drawn . We numbed up both inner elbows with EMLA cream before we went and they looked pretty numb by the time we got there . She panicked a little bit at the last minute , but was very brave and toughed it out . I was proud of her . I think it will go even better next time . Now , for the exciting part … her neutraphils were at 3 , 300 ! Woot ! Woot ! Haven 't seen those kind of numbers in a while ! When I look at her lab results online , it is so gratifying to see her red ( abnormal ) numbers disappearing little by little . More and more black ( normal ) counts show up every time . Clinic day continues to be a difficult day for us . I wish it were different ; but it 's just not . The doctor was talking about survivorship clinic and mentioned that eventually , we would stop seeing her and just go to the survivorship clinic once a year for the rest of her life . Tanner was playing with Mr . Potatohead and suddenly sat up and said , " The rest of my life ? ! ! ! Are you kidding me ? " When we told her no , she curled up in my lap and cried . She just wants so badly to walk away and never look back . I can empathize . Tanner recovered from her port removal surgery lightning quick last week . By the end of the next day , we found ourselves telling her , " No , you cannot play football with the boys in the cul - de - sac ! " She went back to school today and did just great . If you remember , I mentioned in previous posts that we wanted to have a big party to thank everybody for helping us get through the last two - a - half years … This is your official invite to we 're a skating party at Brentwood Skate on Wednesday , September 28th from 5 - 7 pm . We 'll skate ( or watch people skate ) and shake our groove things and eat pizza and maybe some cake ! Mostly , we 'll just celebrate wonderful friendships and the end of a journey we 've all walked together . So , if you know us or even if you don 't know us , but have been following our story , please come ! Everyone is welcome and the more , the merrier . Just do us a favor … if you are planning on coming , just drop us a comment , email or facebook reply or something to let us know you 're coming and how many , so we know how much pizza to order . Surgery went well . She wanted to keep the port so she could take it school and gross out her friends ! She 's in recovery and John and I are waiting to be called down to be there when she wakes up . First day of school ! I 'm not gonna lie … it 's been a rough week . In some ways , Tanner is doing very well . She seems to be adapting to her new school beautifully and making lots of friends . I think she is feeling a little better , although last time we had counts , she was still anemic , so I don 't know if she will truly feel better until that improves . Mentally , she 's struggling . I think she was a little disappointed that off treatment hasn 't initially looked much different than on treatment . We still had a clinic visit which didn 't seem a lot different except for not getting her IV chemo . She 's still taking a lot of meds , although those are starting to dwindle now . She is still limited by her immune system ( which is improving , but still not normal by a long shot ) . And , I think she 's scared it will come back . We 're not seeing Allison for therapy anymore . Tanner refuses to go to her , so there 's not much point in dragging her to something that is supposed to alleviate stress and anxiety ! But , we 're meeting with a new therapist that will come to our house and meet with all of us to help us all begin to heal . I 'm hopeful that this will help Tanner vent some of her stress in a productive way . Tomorrow morning , Tanner is having surgery to remove her port ( yay ! ) . She is , in her words , exared . That means excited and scared at the same time . As you know , she does not like going under anesthesia , but she wants that port out very badly . I think it will be a real visual reminder that she is moving on . We have to be at the hospital at 6 : 30 am for an 8 : 30 am surgery . Should be home in the afternoon for a couple of days of R & R . Jake started school this week … finally . He was very lonely the past couple of weeks with no one around to play with . He loves school and has had a great first two days . Tanner and Jake are both playing soccer . Tanner is keeping up with the other girls better than we expected . She does get tired , but overall , is doing really well . And , next week , she starts rehearsals for Schoolhouse Rock Live . After a day filled with friends and excitement and laughter , we ended it quietly , just the four of us - the core fighting team . I mixed up Tanner 's last 6 - MP pill with some blue gatorade and Jake , John and I brought it , along with her other meds out on a little tray singing , " Happy last chemo pill to you … " She took it like the pill - taking - champ she is , and then we went into the kitchen and threw the remaining chemo pills in the trash together . The CrewAfter our last - minute attempt at a skating party didn 't work out , John had the awesome idea of renting a limo and taking the neighbor kids out for a ride and laser tag . When we took our Make - A - Wish trip last year , we were supposed to ride in a limo to the airport , but Tanner got a nasty cough right before we were to leave . We decided not to expose her compromised immune system to airplane air and drove instead . She never forgot about missing that limo ride , so this was an especially appropriate surprise . Trying out the TV remoteWe didn 't tell any of the kids that a limo was coming and just said we had invited a few friends for a playdate . When the limo got there , we called Tanner and Jake to the door . Tanner just stood there and said , " Who 's that limo for ? " John said , " It 's for you ! " to which she replied , " To keep ? ! ! ! " When she finally realized that we were taking all her friends out in the limo , she ran inside screaming and they all piled in . We went to laser tag and played a couple of games there , then went on to Mellow Mushroom in downtown Franklin for some pizza . We ran out of time to go out for ice cream , so instead we stopped at Kroger ( yes , in the limo ! ) and got cupcakes and ice cream and took them home to eat there . Several of Tanner 's friends ended up staying the afternoon , which made the day even better . We stopped to pick up some friends in our old neighborhood ! I don 't know that we could have had a better time . No one mentioned cancer or chemo at all . I think all the kids knew why we were there , but were just focused on having a good time . They opened the windows on Main Street in Franklin and waved at all the people walking downtown , posed for pictures in front of the limo , and laid on their backs on the limo seats and watched themselves in the mirrored ceiling . In September , we 're going to reschedule our skating party , but as a private party that everyone can come to . We would have never made it through this journey without the support and love of people that we know , and even some that we 've never met before . It wouldn 't feel right to end this phase without all of you to help us celebrate . The fact that we will be at clinic this Friday for our first survivor check - up is not lost on us . This is the end of one phase of this walk , but is certainly not the end of the doctor visits , pokes and prods , or worries . But no matter , because today , we KICKED CANCER ' S ASS … in a limo ! ! ! It wasn 't what I expected … and still isn 't . Which is why I haven 't written in so long . I 'm struggling with finding the balance between hope and fear during Tanner 's last week of chemo . Our last clinic day , several weeks ago , was really a more sobering day than I expected . We started out the morning with Tanner hiding under a bed , refusing to come out because she didn 't want to be put under for her last lumbar puncture . We managed to talk her out , but it was heartbreaking , nonetheless , and not a very celebratory way to start a milestone day . I had hoped to make T - shirts for all of us to wear to clinic that day - Final Spinal shirts . But , both John and I agreed she was just too anxious to have seen it as a celebration . When we saw the doctor , before the spinal , the information he gave us about what was in front of us , was a little depressing . He starts out by reminding us that 15 % of all kids with ALL will relapse ; that 's 3 in 20 kids . And , given the fact that there was only a . 004 % chance of Tanner getting leukemia in the first place , 15 % seems like a lot . There 's no predictor for relapse , so even though Tanner has done so well in treatment , she is just as likely to relapse as a kid who had lots of problems . Okay , sobering . Then , he tells us that we will come back for blood work and checkups every month for the first year , every two months for the second , every three months for the third , every six months for the fourth and fifth year and every year thereafter for the rest of her life . Hmmmm . So much for walking away from this thing . Then , he tells us that we will come back for survivorship clinic to do some baseline testing to see which long - term side effects Tanner is currently experiencing or may experience in the future . These are both physical and mental effects ( 19 injections of chemo into the central nervous system has to have some effect on your brain , right ? ) . Again , just sobering . It was like rain on the parade I was trying to muster up in my mind . I long for all of us to just leave this whole thing behind and forget about it as best I can , but that 's just not reality . And , I feel ungrateful for thinking that . After all , she will feel so much better without the chemo in her system , and that , in and of itself , is more than enough to celebrate . After Tanner went under for her lumbar puncture , I stood in the hallway and talked with one of the staff members about how conflicted I felt about all of this . Sara had given Tanner two gifts from the hospital and told her how proud they all were of her and how brave she had been . We felt Dr . Mixon and Carrie 's absence . These are the people who had walked this whole journey with us and they were not there for the end . Sara told me that she had orchestrated big celebrations for the first six kids who had gone off treatment when she started working at Vandy . They had made signs , sang songs and celebrated No Mo Chemo in style . All six kids relapsed … all six . And Sara realized that you can never promise a kid that it 's their last dose of chemo . You can celebrate their courage and be proud of them , but you can 't tell them it 's the last time . Wow . But , still , she is reserved about all of this . When I point out on the calendar how few days she has left , she smiles , but it is fleeting . She seems afraid , which I can identify with completely . It 's terrifying to know that if there is one rogue cell left in her body , it will now be free to go crazy and start this whole awful process over again . I literally have nightmares about having to tell her we have to start chemo again . I am constantly amazed by how difficult this journey continues to be , on so many levels . In the midst of the last few weeks , we have had some deep conversations and made some hard decisions . Tanner decided she didn 't want to return to her beloved Moore Elementary School , but instead go to school with her neighborhood friends at Winstead . A hard decision because the kids and teachers and staff at Moore have been like family . I think it 's a good sign that she 's so confident about attending Winstead , though . We went last week and toured the school , met the principal and enrolled her . We will miss Moore , but look forward to getting to know everyone at Winstead . Tanner teared up and said , " Well that hurts my feelings . " And , I knew without a doubt , where she was going . " If he can do anything , why didn 't he cure my leukemia . " I took a big breath and wondered how I would answer this question , since I couldn 't really make sense of it myself . How many times have I thought the very same thing ? But , I knew she needed an answer … an answer that was comforting . " I think God might work like that , " I continued . " God has been alive for millions and millions of years and so maybe to him , two years is just a little blip in time . Maybe he blessed the doctors and nurses so they could help you and he is curing you . " So , it 's been a more difficult couple of weeks than I anticipated . And , I don 't feel exactly like I thought I would . I do have hope , despite the grimness of this post . I really do . But , I think the key is to keep fighting fear to make room for hope . Choking back the darkness to allow a little light in and trying to hold on to it . In this vein , we 're having a little skating party for Tanner and Jake 's friends on Saturday to thank them for helping us through this tough time . We 'll get to celebrating with you adults later . We had been told by Tanner 's therapist not to really have a party or to put too much emphasis on the last day , but it seems a disservice to all she has been through not to err on the side of hope . To throw caution to the wind for the moment and just relish THIS day and not worry about what will come . No big speeches or big moments at the party , just some kids skating the celebrating the friendships that helped all of us through . Posted on July 31 , 2011 by Celia Whitler Reply Tanner has been in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat this week . Great show ! Enjoy the pictures ! Tomorrow marks a major milestone for us … Tanner 's very last IV chemo and lumbar puncture with chemo ! It 's surreal to think this will be the last time she gets Vincristine through her port - or any chemo through her port for that matter . After tomorrow , she 'll continue to take her oral chemo until August 6 and then , NO MO CHEMO ! ! ! She also starts her last 5 - day steroid pulse . We should probably be celebrating that the most ! If you 've been reading this blog for any length of time , I am sure you have heard me spew hatred at the evil steroids . In all reality , they cause her more side effects than the chemo . Tanner has not really been able to look forward to this being her last time . She is too paralyzed with fear and anxiety over the LP . I 'm hoping after we get this over with , she 'll ease up and be a little more excited about finishing this mess . She has her lumbar puncture at 11 : 30 , which means we will get home sometime around 1 : 30 or so . From 3 - 5 pm , she has a rehearsal for Disney on Stage that she insists she is making … and unless she is throwing up , she probably will . Then , on to the Fish Fry at Bethlehem United Methodist Church . Our church hosts about 3 , 000 people for Fish Fry and has a great children 's area with inflatables , etc . It will be interesting to see how long Tanner lasts . Saturday brings more Disney on Stage rehearsal and the show itself at 2 pm . Disney on Stage is a coffee house benefit show conceived of and directed by some teens at Act Too Players , which is Tanner 's theatre group . All proceeds are benefitting the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society in Tanner 's honor . You can find more info at http : / / nashville . broadwayworld . com / article / Local - Teens - Take - to - the - Stage - 716 - for - Leukemia - Foundation - 20110713 Tanner 's also been rehearsing Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat . It 's such a funny show with a great story … kids will love it … very colorful . Tickets are on sale now at the Boilerroom Theatre at the Factory and can be purchased over the phone at 794 - 7744 . The shows are at 7 pm on July 28 , 3 pm on July 30 and 7 pm on July 31 .
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I 've dragged my feet a little bit this year … I admit it . Light the Night is October 14 , less than a month away and I 'm just getting started on Team Tanner 's fundraising . I must confess that it has been tempting to just forget about the whole thing . Not because I don 't love this event or because I don 't fervently believe in the cause , but because I sometimes just want to close my eyes and pretend none of this ever happened . But , it did , and it continues to happen to children and adults every day . And nothing will be solved by pretending that leukemia doesn 't exist . So , I 'm putting on my big girl panties and announcing that we will host our third Leukemia and Lymphoma Society Light the Night team on October 14 at LP Field . As you can see , Team Tanner had a nice , big team last year . And , I hope you will consider coming to walk with us this year . It is really a wonderful , celebratory event . We walk through downtown Nashville at night , across the Shelby Street bridge , down First Avenue and back across the river on the Woodland Street bridge . We carry beautiful lighted balloons - red in support of someone battling or who has survived blood cancer , white for the survivors themselves and gold in honor of someone who has lost the battle . I can 't really explain the way I feel when I look back across the bridge and see that sea of lighted balloons , except to say that it is a wonderful visual reminder that we have not been alone in this fight . It is not a strenuous walk ; just two miles of celebratory strolling . Tanner and Jake walked most of it last year and rode some in a wagon . There were even fireworks over the water . This year , the walk is on a Friday night , which makes it a lot easier for kids to attend , so I 'm hoping we might get a nice group to walk ! I was worried that Tanner would have a really hard time today at clinic since it was the first clinic visit since she had her port removed . That means she had to have needle stick in her arm to get blood drawn . We numbed up both inner elbows with EMLA cream before we went and they looked pretty numb by the time we got there . She panicked a little bit at the last minute , but was very brave and toughed it out . I was proud of her . I think it will go even better next time . Now , for the exciting part … her neutraphils were at 3 , 300 ! Woot ! Woot ! Haven 't seen those kind of numbers in a while ! When I look at her lab results online , it is so gratifying to see her red ( abnormal ) numbers disappearing little by little . More and more black ( normal ) counts show up every time . Clinic day continues to be a difficult day for us . I wish it were different ; but it 's just not . The doctor was talking about survivorship clinic and mentioned that eventually , we would stop seeing her and just go to the survivorship clinic once a year for the rest of her life . Tanner was playing with Mr . Potatohead and suddenly sat up and said , " The rest of my life ? ! ! ! Are you kidding me ? " When we told her no , she curled up in my lap and cried . She just wants so badly to walk away and never look back . I can empathize . Tanner recovered from her port removal surgery lightning quick last week . By the end of the next day , we found ourselves telling her , " No , you cannot play football with the boys in the cul - de - sac ! " She went back to school today and did just great . If you remember , I mentioned in previous posts that we wanted to have a big party to thank everybody for helping us get through the last two - a - half years … This is your official invite to we 're a skating party at Brentwood Skate on Wednesday , September 28th from 5 - 7 pm . We 'll skate ( or watch people skate ) and shake our groove things and eat pizza and maybe some cake ! Mostly , we 'll just celebrate wonderful friendships and the end of a journey we 've all walked together . So , if you know us or even if you don 't know us , but have been following our story , please come ! Everyone is welcome and the more , the merrier . Just do us a favor … if you are planning on coming , just drop us a comment , email or facebook reply or something to let us know you 're coming and how many , so we know how much pizza to order . Surgery went well . She wanted to keep the port so she could take it school and gross out her friends ! She 's in recovery and John and I are waiting to be called down to be there when she wakes up . First day of school ! I 'm not gonna lie … it 's been a rough week . In some ways , Tanner is doing very well . She seems to be adapting to her new school beautifully and making lots of friends . I think she is feeling a little better , although last time we had counts , she was still anemic , so I don 't know if she will truly feel better until that improves . Mentally , she 's struggling . I think she was a little disappointed that off treatment hasn 't initially looked much different than on treatment . We still had a clinic visit which didn 't seem a lot different except for not getting her IV chemo . She 's still taking a lot of meds , although those are starting to dwindle now . She is still limited by her immune system ( which is improving , but still not normal by a long shot ) . And , I think she 's scared it will come back . We 're not seeing Allison for therapy anymore . Tanner refuses to go to her , so there 's not much point in dragging her to something that is supposed to alleviate stress and anxiety ! But , we 're meeting with a new therapist that will come to our house and meet with all of us to help us all begin to heal . I 'm hopeful that this will help Tanner vent some of her stress in a productive way . Tomorrow morning , Tanner is having surgery to remove her port ( yay ! ) . She is , in her words , exared . That means excited and scared at the same time . As you know , she does not like going under anesthesia , but she wants that port out very badly . I think it will be a real visual reminder that she is moving on . We have to be at the hospital at 6 : 30 am for an 8 : 30 am surgery . Should be home in the afternoon for a couple of days of R & R . Jake started school this week … finally . He was very lonely the past couple of weeks with no one around to play with . He loves school and has had a great first two days . Tanner and Jake are both playing soccer . Tanner is keeping up with the other girls better than we expected . She does get tired , but overall , is doing really well . And , next week , she starts rehearsals for Schoolhouse Rock Live . After a day filled with friends and excitement and laughter , we ended it quietly , just the four of us - the core fighting team . I mixed up Tanner 's last 6 - MP pill with some blue gatorade and Jake , John and I brought it , along with her other meds out on a little tray singing , " Happy last chemo pill to you … " She took it like the pill - taking - champ she is , and then we went into the kitchen and threw the remaining chemo pills in the trash together . The CrewAfter our last - minute attempt at a skating party didn 't work out , John had the awesome idea of renting a limo and taking the neighbor kids out for a ride and laser tag . When we took our Make - A - Wish trip last year , we were supposed to ride in a limo to the airport , but Tanner got a nasty cough right before we were to leave . We decided not to expose her compromised immune system to airplane air and drove instead . She never forgot about missing that limo ride , so this was an especially appropriate surprise . Trying out the TV remoteWe didn 't tell any of the kids that a limo was coming and just said we had invited a few friends for a playdate . When the limo got there , we called Tanner and Jake to the door . Tanner just stood there and said , " Who 's that limo for ? " John said , " It 's for you ! " to which she replied , " To keep ? ! ! ! " When she finally realized that we were taking all her friends out in the limo , she ran inside screaming and they all piled in . We went to laser tag and played a couple of games there , then went on to Mellow Mushroom in downtown Franklin for some pizza . We ran out of time to go out for ice cream , so instead we stopped at Kroger ( yes , in the limo ! ) and got cupcakes and ice cream and took them home to eat there . Several of Tanner 's friends ended up staying the afternoon , which made the day even better . We stopped to pick up some friends in our old neighborhood ! I don 't know that we could have had a better time . No one mentioned cancer or chemo at all . I think all the kids knew why we were there , but were just focused on having a good time . They opened the windows on Main Street in Franklin and waved at all the people walking downtown , posed for pictures in front of the limo , and laid on their backs on the limo seats and watched themselves in the mirrored ceiling . In September , we 're going to reschedule our skating party , but as a private party that everyone can come to . We would have never made it through this journey without the support and love of people that we know , and even some that we 've never met before . It wouldn 't feel right to end this phase without all of you to help us celebrate . The fact that we will be at clinic this Friday for our first survivor check - up is not lost on us . This is the end of one phase of this walk , but is certainly not the end of the doctor visits , pokes and prods , or worries . But no matter , because today , we KICKED CANCER ' S ASS … in a limo ! ! ! It wasn 't what I expected … and still isn 't . Which is why I haven 't written in so long . I 'm struggling with finding the balance between hope and fear during Tanner 's last week of chemo . Our last clinic day , several weeks ago , was really a more sobering day than I expected . We started out the morning with Tanner hiding under a bed , refusing to come out because she didn 't want to be put under for her last lumbar puncture . We managed to talk her out , but it was heartbreaking , nonetheless , and not a very celebratory way to start a milestone day . I had hoped to make T - shirts for all of us to wear to clinic that day - Final Spinal shirts . But , both John and I agreed she was just too anxious to have seen it as a celebration . When we saw the doctor , before the spinal , the information he gave us about what was in front of us , was a little depressing . He starts out by reminding us that 15 % of all kids with ALL will relapse ; that 's 3 in 20 kids . And , given the fact that there was only a . 004 % chance of Tanner getting leukemia in the first place , 15 % seems like a lot . There 's no predictor for relapse , so even though Tanner has done so well in treatment , she is just as likely to relapse as a kid who had lots of problems . Okay , sobering . Then , he tells us that we will come back for blood work and checkups every month for the first year , every two months for the second , every three months for the third , every six months for the fourth and fifth year and every year thereafter for the rest of her life . Hmmmm . So much for walking away from this thing . Then , he tells us that we will come back for survivorship clinic to do some baseline testing to see which long - term side effects Tanner is currently experiencing or may experience in the future . These are both physical and mental effects ( 19 injections of chemo into the central nervous system has to have some effect on your brain , right ? ) . Again , just sobering . It was like rain on the parade I was trying to muster up in my mind . I long for all of us to just leave this whole thing behind and forget about it as best I can , but that 's just not reality . And , I feel ungrateful for thinking that . After all , she will feel so much better without the chemo in her system , and that , in and of itself , is more than enough to celebrate . After Tanner went under for her lumbar puncture , I stood in the hallway and talked with one of the staff members about how conflicted I felt about all of this . Sara had given Tanner two gifts from the hospital and told her how proud they all were of her and how brave she had been . We felt Dr . Mixon and Carrie 's absence . These are the people who had walked this whole journey with us and they were not there for the end . Sara told me that she had orchestrated big celebrations for the first six kids who had gone off treatment when she started working at Vandy . They had made signs , sang songs and celebrated No Mo Chemo in style . All six kids relapsed … all six . And Sara realized that you can never promise a kid that it 's their last dose of chemo . You can celebrate their courage and be proud of them , but you can 't tell them it 's the last time . Wow . But , still , she is reserved about all of this . When I point out on the calendar how few days she has left , she smiles , but it is fleeting . She seems afraid , which I can identify with completely . It 's terrifying to know that if there is one rogue cell left in her body , it will now be free to go crazy and start this whole awful process over again . I literally have nightmares about having to tell her we have to start chemo again . I am constantly amazed by how difficult this journey continues to be , on so many levels . In the midst of the last few weeks , we have had some deep conversations and made some hard decisions . Tanner decided she didn 't want to return to her beloved Moore Elementary School , but instead go to school with her neighborhood friends at Winstead . A hard decision because the kids and teachers and staff at Moore have been like family . I think it 's a good sign that she 's so confident about attending Winstead , though . We went last week and toured the school , met the principal and enrolled her . We will miss Moore , but look forward to getting to know everyone at Winstead . Tanner teared up and said , " Well that hurts my feelings . " And , I knew without a doubt , where she was going . " If he can do anything , why didn 't he cure my leukemia . " I took a big breath and wondered how I would answer this question , since I couldn 't really make sense of it myself . How many times have I thought the very same thing ? But , I knew she needed an answer … an answer that was comforting . " I think God might work like that , " I continued . " God has been alive for millions and millions of years and so maybe to him , two years is just a little blip in time . Maybe he blessed the doctors and nurses so they could help you and he is curing you . " So , it 's been a more difficult couple of weeks than I anticipated . And , I don 't feel exactly like I thought I would . I do have hope , despite the grimness of this post . I really do . But , I think the key is to keep fighting fear to make room for hope . Choking back the darkness to allow a little light in and trying to hold on to it . In this vein , we 're having a little skating party for Tanner and Jake 's friends on Saturday to thank them for helping us through this tough time . We 'll get to celebrating with you adults later . We had been told by Tanner 's therapist not to really have a party or to put too much emphasis on the last day , but it seems a disservice to all she has been through not to err on the side of hope . To throw caution to the wind for the moment and just relish THIS day and not worry about what will come . No big speeches or big moments at the party , just some kids skating the celebrating the friendships that helped all of us through . Posted on July 31 , 2011 by Celia Whitler Reply Tanner has been in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat this week . Great show ! Enjoy the pictures ! Tomorrow marks a major milestone for us … Tanner 's very last IV chemo and lumbar puncture with chemo ! It 's surreal to think this will be the last time she gets Vincristine through her port - or any chemo through her port for that matter . After tomorrow , she 'll continue to take her oral chemo until August 6 and then , NO MO CHEMO ! ! ! She also starts her last 5 - day steroid pulse . We should probably be celebrating that the most ! If you 've been reading this blog for any length of time , I am sure you have heard me spew hatred at the evil steroids . In all reality , they cause her more side effects than the chemo . Tanner has not really been able to look forward to this being her last time . She is too paralyzed with fear and anxiety over the LP . I 'm hoping after we get this over with , she 'll ease up and be a little more excited about finishing this mess . She has her lumbar puncture at 11 : 30 , which means we will get home sometime around 1 : 30 or so . From 3 - 5 pm , she has a rehearsal for Disney on Stage that she insists she is making … and unless she is throwing up , she probably will . Then , on to the Fish Fry at Bethlehem United Methodist Church . Our church hosts about 3 , 000 people for Fish Fry and has a great children 's area with inflatables , etc . It will be interesting to see how long Tanner lasts . Saturday brings more Disney on Stage rehearsal and the show itself at 2 pm . Disney on Stage is a coffee house benefit show conceived of and directed by some teens at Act Too Players , which is Tanner 's theatre group . All proceeds are benefitting the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society in Tanner 's honor . You can find more info at http : / / nashville . broadwayworld . com / article / Local - Teens - Take - to - the - Stage - 716 - for - Leukemia - Foundation - 20110713 Tanner 's also been rehearsing Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat . It 's such a funny show with a great story … kids will love it … very colorful . Tickets are on sale now at the Boilerroom Theatre at the Factory and can be purchased over the phone at 794 - 7744 . The shows are at 7 pm on July 28 , 3 pm on July 30 and 7 pm on July 31 .
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. . . starts in a few hours , and there are still three days to get through until the holiday , but fireworks have been going off in the neighborhood for more than a week . Not a night goes by without firecrackers and other sorts of pyrotechnic devices being lit off . Some sound suspiciously like gunfire , and may be for all I know ; at least no one has been murdered around here for several months . The fireworks are , of course , illegal . The city forbids them , even though various nearby unicorporated areas don 't restrict their sale or use . The first year I lived here , the scene on the night of the Fourth was incredible . Various kinds of unsafe and insane stuff - - smuggled in from Asia ; one of the benefits of living right next to a port - - were being shot off everywhere in the neighborhood . It was better than the " legal " professional shows . From sunset on , rockets , pinwheels , M80s and God - knows - what filled the air with brilliant displays and the smell of burnt gunpowder . That year , the police stood by and watched from a safe distance , doing nothing more than cruising the streets every half hour or so to tell people to stop . The officers were not surprised when the fun began again even before they could turn the corner . . . . But there were complaints . I believe most of them came from our dim - bulb City Council - person , who seems capable only of sucking up to developers , unions and people who can 't stand to see their neighbors having fun . So the last three years have been quieter and quieter as fewer people wanted to risk the wrath of the newly energized police . I 'd like to think this year will see a return to the defiant explosive celebrations that are , after all , part of neighborhood tradition . But I 'm not holding my breath . The police have a new division commander here , and I 'm sure he wants to keep the Council - person happy . Even so , I hope the nighttime shoot - offs are the prelude to a return to this relatively harmless one - day manifestation of lawlessness . It 's Independence Day , right ? After all , July has traditionally been an unhapPosted by . . . alive . If you want to call this " living . " A myriad of small disasters piled atop a large disaster , with precious little in the way of distraction . The mailbox that remains empty day after day - - except for bills - - and the phone that doesn 't ring - - unless it 's someone asking for a favor that will never be returned - - don 't help my mood . Obviously , my emails and voice - mail messages are vanishing into some kind of electronic limbo , never to have any effect . Other messages remain in my mind , unwritten ; I know sending them would be yet another act of futility . Ordinarily , I can cope with the small stuff just fine . Not now . The sad spiral goes on , and I 'm running out of ideas to stop it . Well , that 's not entirely true . Better to say I 'm running out of ideas I can count on to work , or even ideas that I can reasonably expect to work . Not good . . . . because I just don 't feel like getting into what 's going on inside my head . One of my favorite journal - writers is planning her honeymoon . Wherever she and The Bloke ( her intended ) go - - I suggested Mallorca - - I hope they have a wonderful time . I was looking forward to a honeymoon myself , having not had one the first time ( I had to work instead ) but since another wedding seems unlikely now , I suspect I 'll never find out what it 's like . Meanwhile , my brother is hatching bizarre plots of Cuban liberation . If he sounds the call , I 'm ready to head for the Island of Cigars and take on The Bearded One . Since I no longer have anything to lose , making a kamikaze run against the oppressor and striking a blow for ordinary people - - and , of course , for Meyer Lansky - - really appeals to me . Who knows ? Maybe my face would end up on posters and t - shirts . Hey , it worked for Che , and I 'm a much nicer guy than he was . . . . and they manage to mess things up for the rest of us . The politically - correct bluenoses here in L . A . objected strenuously to a charity benefit called " Hooters For Neuters " that was meant to raise funds for spay - and - neuter clinics . The city has withdrawn its support . The head of the " Commission on the Status of Women " set up a ruckus , and even the change in advertising from this . . . . . . to this . . . . . . didn 't keep her , and a notoriously stupid and strident city emplyee from forcing the city to withdraw its support for an event that might help cut down on the number of unwanted animals euthanized every year . I 've never been to Hooters . It isn 't my scene . But I 'm tempted to go and donate a few bucks to the cause , which is important to me . Especially if it bugs the overly sensitive p . c . types . Not long after a trip to Trader Joe 's , the local supermarket and the 99 - cent store , I fell asleep . I don 't like naps ; I always wake up feeling confused , groggy and out - of - sorts , and today was no exception . I must have slept right through my miracle , if indeed it happened . But I did dream about it . And that made me feel even worse . Even my subconscious is working hard to keep me down . It 's just not fair . . . . something to write about . It 's not as if I have nothing to say . I do . But each time I 've started in , I bailed out before finishing . I could blame it on the weather , maybe . It 's 78 degrees , very humid , overcast and there 's a strong wind blowing . Out over the ocean , there are rain showers , but whatever might be falling here evaporates - - or blows away - - before it hits the ground . Makes me feel restless , edgy . But that 's only part of it , or maybe nothing more than an excuse . There 's a lot going on in the world that bothers me ; despite my preoccupation with the personal situation , I can 't help noticing that many other things are going badly outside my own little space . I have opinions about them , but no real motivation to write . My premonitory sense is working overtime . I can 't shake the feeling that something is going to happen ; whether it 'll be good or bad , I couldn 't say . I 'm hoping for good , but recent experiences are preventing me from being optimistic . No , I don 't want to write about the ills of the world , the venality and stupidity of politicians or anything of that nature . Nor do I want to write about me in my current state . I want to write about something positive , if possible something that makes me - - and other people - - happy . If I should happen to find a bottle with a genie inside today , I 'll be hard - pressed to think of three wishes to ask for . I have only two . PARENTHETICAL THOUGHT : Actually , I do have a third wish . . . it just doesn 't relate directly to me . . . . This would be a fine , fine day for a miracle . That would get the words flowing , believe me ! . . . and anyone else who was unclear about the identity of the sleek sports car in the entry called " Hello Kitty . " It is , definitely , a Jaguar . . . And here 's the proof . . . Some confusion is understandable . I doubt there are many like it in Memphis yet . But this car , which was randomly parked behind it , should be familiar . . . . Wouldn 't mind owning either one , though the ' Vette is in dire need of some TLC . . . . . . . and no , it 's not a series of self - portraits ! Down by the docks , there 's lots of space for outdoor storage . I 've driven past this particular area countless times , but have never stopped to look . Today , I did . Among the old cars rusting away here - - and rust they do , in the salty air - - are this trio from the late ' 40s / early ' 50s : from left to right , Hudson , Mercury and Nash . . . A much newer Buick Riviera is probably the least salvageable piece of the lot , having suffered much more than the rest from the rust bug ( or , as the Brits call it , " tinworm " ) . . . . An unusual sight is this ' 49 Frazer . I recall these cars , built by Henry J . Kaiser ( of Kaiser Steel and Kaiser Permanente fame ; a nearly identical car was sold as a " Kaiser " ) , as my father had one when I was very small . They were actually quite good , but not good enough ; the last Frazer was built in 1951 , the last U . S . - made Kaiser in ' 55 . . . Oddly enough , three vintage aircraft engines are stashed here as well . These , as I understand it , are worth some serious money , and being out in the open like this can 't be good for them . . . . I love looking at old junk like this . Wouldn 't mind getting my hands on the Frazer , which looks ready to drive . . . . I know how a laboratory rat must feel . Life has turned into a bizarre series of experiments : how many times can I be swatted down and still get up ? How much pain can I bear ? How many times will I run the maze before frustration halts me ? How will I react to this stimulus , how to that one ? And , of course , the worst experiment of all , which I can 't even begin to describe . Can lab rats go on strike ? This one is tempted . Damn , I hate that phrase . Doesn 't matter whether it 's spoken by someone with good intentions or a self - important witch - doctor like Dr Laura , the message is clear : give up your desires , your needs ; they count for nothing . It 's the other person 's right to hurt you and walk away . Of course it has the greatest negative impact when said - - or implied - - by the one who has hurt you . The one who stuck the shiv between your ribs tells you not to bleed . Right . Never mind that said person relied on the same qualities they later rejected , drew support , consolation and pleasure from the feelings of love and commitment they now scorn . Never mind that said person would have been hurt terribly , would have reacted badly had those feelings turned out to be false when they needed them most . All that is irrelevant , right ? I didn 't get to the place where people feel compelled to lay that evil phrase on me all by myself , you know . Yes , I 'm bitter . Even angry . Knowing that those qualities I take the most pride in possessing have been consigned to the dumpster , knowing that when the chips are down the best in me is perceived as worthless , tends to make me that way . I don 't like living on a one - way street . . . . but not sweet . There is a ready - mix truck in the alley outside my window , noisily pumping concrete into the back yard of a house that has been under reconstruction for at least six interminable months . I cannot hear myself think , and my noise - canceling headphones don 't cut down the racket enough to help . After a sleepless night , this is too damn much . I 'm supposed to be finishing up an article this morning . I can 't . I can barely write this , which requires much less effort . I 'm getting angry . At the racket outside , at every damn thing else . We 're talking high - blood - pressure , ready - to - lash - out - at - some - helpless - inanimate - object angry here . And there 's not a potential calming influence or mitigating factor in sight . Not a good day for anyone to disagree with me or give me grief . . . . that Earth " might end up like Venus , at 250 degrees centigrade and raining sulfuric acid . " Another scientist , one Yuri Fialko of the Scripps Institution of Oceanography at La Jolla , California , is claiming a massive ( " cataclysmic " ) earthquake is overdue in the general area where I live . Compared to such catastrophic scenarios - - both far more believable than the warnings of global meltdown that Al Gore is always on about in his doom - laden , radio - evangelist 's voice - - the forces keeeping me pinned to the mat these days seem downright trivial . And they are . Except to me , of course . I mean , if Hawking 's dire warning comes true , it won 't matter what we do , will it ? I 've had a whiff or two of sulfuric acid in my time , and I can tell you breathing a steady diet of it would be downright uncomfortable . And 250 degrees centigrade is well beyond the " it 's not the heat , it 's the humidity " level of complaint . Earthquakes ? Been there , done that . Assuming no direct hit from falling palm trees and no fissure opening beneath my feet to swallow me whole , I can get through ' em . In fact , when faced with major stuff , I can hold it all together pretty well . It 's the day - to - day problems , one piled atop the next , that have gutted me . If you conclude that today was no less frustrating than previous days have been , you 're right . " SSDD , " as they say , when they 're not saying " same - old , same - old . " Don 't get me wrong . I tried . Tried to get a lot of things on the right track , or even on the way to getting on the right track , but so far no dice . And I 'll try again tomorrow , both on the items that didn 't work today and perhaps a few more , if time - - and my patience - - permit . But I would like to see a little forward progress come from all of it . Otherwise , bring on the oven - level temps and sulphuric - acid clouds , or the Big Shaker . . . . If I 'm going to end up on the canvas , I 'd much rather be KO 'd by a heavyweight . One of the reasons - - perhaps the biggest reason - - I no longer involve myself in politics is the incredible stupidity of our so - called " leaders " and those who support them most loudly . The best example is the USA 's alleged " war on terror . " For starters , I resent those - - such as our president - - who are continually babbling about " staying the course " and how " we have to make sacrifices . " They don 't make any sacrifices ; a solid majority of them never have made any . What they do is send other peoples ' children off to make the sacrifices , and spend other peoples ' money in support of their agendas . Nor do they give necessary support to those who do put it all on the line . Our military are muzzled by a ridiculous notion that " wars " can be won without inflicting serious damage on the opposition . This comes perhaps from the equally bizarre desire to be universally loved , which we never have been and never will be . Had we employed this strategy in World War II , we 'd still be fighting the Germans and Japanese . The opponents of the way the " war on terror " is being handled are equally hypocritical . For whatever reason , they scream about the " abuses " perpetrated by American soldiers ( isolated incidents when balanced against the total picture ) and totally ignore the inhuman butchery of the enemy . Have Johns Kerry or McCain or Murtha , Nancy Pelosi , Teddy Kennedy or the rest of the ranting loons in D . C . denounced the brutality inflicted on their soldiers ? They have not , and neither have their mindless followers among the media and the public . There is a disconnect here that I find frightening . To the politicians and their shills , those who risk and sometimes lose their lives while defending the nation - - and those civilians who died on 9 / 11 - - are nameless pawns in a larger game . It is a game that will continue to be played until the public wakes up and replaces the self - satisfied , self - important would - be leaders of the world in Washington with others who understand the true human and financial costs of their policies . In the meantimPosted by . . . because I am confused . These days , I feel as if I 'm playing the game of life with someone else 's marked deck , rolling someone else 's loaded dice . There are so many things I don 't understand . Big things , small things . All I do understand is that life has become a strict one - way proposition . The flow is all outward . And I am not happy about it . I don 't have much left to sacrifice , to give away , to give up . What will happen when the last of my resources are gone ? . . . make anything fundamentally important happen around here today , I spent some time working on what would be called a " pro bono " project if I had become a lawyer as my father wished instead of an itinerant wordsmith . Perhaps if my efforts bear fruit I 'll write about it here , even though there 's a substantial risk that you 'll think me even more strange than you already do . For now , let 's just say that this project involves one of my more peculiar - - and unsaleable - - talents . It also involves music , which is an essential passion for me . If I was smart , I wouldn 't even be attempting to make this project happen . It will commit me to a considerable amount of ( unpaid ) labor , which may or may not be rewarded by public approval . But there are some things in life that exert an irreesitible influence on me , and this is one of them . It would be the realization of a dream that I 've held close for the better part of 40 years . With so many dreams held in abeyance - - or shattered - - right now , it behooves me to pursue those even partially under my control . If it happens , you 'll all be invited to the Grand Opening . If not , at least I tried . . . . by other people 's idiocy . Not always , mind you . But just when you think they can 't surprise you , some folks just have to let you know how dimwitted they really are . Refer to the earlier post today about the small client that has started making big demands , demands not commensurate with the small sum they pay me . I just received another email from them , this one with a list of " guidelines " and a form I must fill out . The form must be submitted each month before I send them an article , and must be mailed - - not emailed . You wouldn 't believe the so - called guidelines . They are eerily similar to those I received before I did my first assignment for my first high - school journalism class . In some ways , they are even more dumbed - down . This adds expense - - not to mention irritation - - to every damn job I do for them in future . Beyond the cost of postage , paper , envelopes and ink in my printer , it will consume time , the most expensive commodity of all . I 'll have to call the publisher tomorrow morning , as it 's too late to do so today . A good thing to have overnight to let my temper subside and work on displaying a calm demeanor . Right now I would simply tell him to take his new editor and her new guidlines and do something painful and embarrassing with them . Forget the rest of my day . Nothing good that could or should have happened did . Isn 't anything ever going to go right again ? . . . is what these journals afford us . When we conceal our identities - - at least to the extent most of us do - - we feel free to say much that we would never say to others in our " real " lives . I know for many who read this journal I must seem about as cheery as Kim Jong - il brandishing a Taepodong - 2 . I 've gotten messages from well - meaning folks - - though not as often as I did at the old place - - telling me , in essence , to " lighten up " and " get on with life . " Unfortunately , you who visit here get to see a much more accurate portrayal of what 's really happening in my world than does anyone who meets me in person . For them , I keep up a facade of good cheer , cloak whatever happens at home or work in a positive skin . In short , I am relentlessly optimistic no matter what gets thrown at me . Sometimes , the facade cracks a bit , I admit . Being nice to people who are , intentionally or otherwise , laying more difficulties on one is hard work . So is being cooperative with people who ask for favors they have no intention of - - or have a track record of forgetting about - - repaying . But it is necessary . Those relatively close to me have no idea what I 'm going through . You , on the other hand , do . Even if I choose to omit details and identities . Even if I edit out things that might make you - - or me - - think less of other people involved . I do both , by the way . Whatever else I may be , I intend to behave as honorably as possible , do my best not to betray things said in confidence or give anyone cause not to trust me , even when the end result works against my best interests . At times , I fail to do even that much . But I try . Which is why so many potential entries here have never made it beyond rough - draft stage . There is a point to all this , believe it or not . And this is it : I would much rather be telling you about good things . Nothing would please me more than to lay out the details of people in my personal life who live up to their commitments ; who receive and don 't abuse my trust in them ; who show the same loyalty to me that I give them ; who ePosted by . . . I probably would have been better off staying in bed . Not that I was having such a wonderful time between the sheets . The usual demons visited in the night - - thankfully , without talking to me this time - - and I spent more time staring at the ceiling than is good for me . But among the early - morning emails was one that made me wish I was still asleep or struggling with the old computer and unable to access messages . My most regular - - but least financially rewarding - - client has been a pain in the posterior lately . For two years , they were happy with the subjects I picked to write about ; I would submit lists of topics on a regular basis , and they 'd take them happily . Not now . The new editor there seems to have goaded the publisher into choosing what they want me to write about . In theory , that shouldn 't be a problem , save for one minor detail : for practical reasons - - gathering information , familiarizing myself with the subject , and so on - - I need at least a month 's advance notice of the subject to put their request into what one might call " the system . " And I 'm not getting it . Their latest request gives me something like ten days to make necessary arrangements , and that 's not enough . The price they pay for my work leaves me a very small profit margin . I 've accepted it up to now because I could fit them into the schedule easily and I haven 't had to spend a lot of time dealing with the hassles of back - and - forth communication , changes of mind on their end , and the like . But when they begin to act as if they are a major client and are more demanding than the money I get from them justifies , some rethinking is in order . Now is not the time for me to react to their latest communication . I 'm not in the mood . Don 't misunderstand . It pleases me when people have high expectations of me . But unrealistic expectations are another matter altogether . I can only hope the rest of the day is better . . . . and this time it 's back to the usual nonsense . Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19Your deep and soulful connection with someone who loves you like mad lights up your life , especially when it comes to a certain career opportunity . They give you just the support you need to go for it . I 'd laugh if it wasn 't so painful . " . . . someone who loves you like mad lights up your life . . . " Some lucky Aries somewhere must be having a really good time today . I 'm more than a little envious . . . . according to the calendar . Feels like any other morning here . I was busy last night . Fixed a neighbor 's stove , then spent a couple of hours helping another neighbor load antivirus , anti - spyware and a firewall into her computer . She had been getting along without them , and was astonished at all the crud they pulled out of her files and programs . I was astonished that there were no virii found . Some people have all the luck . . . . Typical June weather here , gray and humid , with a hot day to follow . I fully intended to continue on writing about other matters after completing the first paragraph , but why bother ? Nothing changes . Nothing improves . The course of this day , like all recent days , is all too predictable . It 's another day in an endless parade of unsatisfying days . Can 't wait for it to be over . . . . Father 's Day . My father died 17 years ago . My " second father , " with whom I was far closer in many respects , died two years ago . Until fairly recently , when it was pretty late , I felt absolutely no desire to become a father . I have dated - - and shared premises with - - women with children , but there was little interaction ; the kids were older , and had relationships with their natural fathers . My situation as of , say three months ago , made me think I might inhert a family ( so to speak ) , and become a kind of surrogate father , or at least a male presence in the lives of kids who need it . Their mother put the squash to that idea . Well , she put the sqaush to me ; same result . It 's not as if I feel totally lost and useless as a result of continued non - daddy status . But I was fully up for the notion that I would have responsibility for a family . That 's heavy stuff . If nothing else , I wanted to ensure that other kids wouldn 't be messed up as I was by my father . I 've spent most of my adult life trying not to be like him . I don 't know that he was inherently unfit for the role ; I think the change from his previous life to the particular domestic situation he and my mother set up , plus the terrible relationship he had with his father , was more than he could deal with . But never mind all that . Tomorrow is indeed Father 's Day , and part of me wishes I was among those being recognized for their paternal service tomorrow . That I didn 't join the ranks of the male parental units can only be ascribed to the right woman not being around at the right time . I admire and salute all fathers who have reared their children with care and affection . Those of you who have sired offspring , or raised others ' children , and who love and protect and teach them , are heroes in my book . So enjoy your day . . . . true . My ISP 's horoscope actually got it partially right today : Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19Someone from your past has been on your mind lately . The universe works in mysterious ways - - you may cross paths with them when you least expect it . Give destiny a nudge and send an email or call them . In actual fact two " someones " have been on my mind . One is definitely a part of my " present , " unavoidably and - - as matters stand today - - painfully so . But we won 't go there now . . . . The second has been out of touch for several years . Though our relationship withered - - she left when certain aspects of my life were dragging me down ; I can 't really judge her harshly for that - - it ended without bitterness , and she did not gut me like a fish when she left . I have thought about her , especially after she dropped me a friendly staying - in - touch email a few months ago . I 'm following the horoscope 's advice . It can 't hurt anything , even though it most likely won 't change where I am or where it looks as if I 'll end up , relationship - wise . At the very least it 's nice to have some contact with a sweet , interesting , intelligent and attractive woman who never abused my love and trust . . . . from the Great Computer Crash of 2006 . I had to call my ISP 's " help " line twice while setting up the new computer . The printed directions given to connect the DSL service left out a few minor - but - vital details . No biggie ; just give ' em a call . Just as I had to do when I hooked it up with the previous computer . But an interesting tidbit emerged from those calls to New Delhi , or Mumbai , or wherever - the - hell - it - is in India that the helpers are located . A BIT OF PARENTHETICAL BACKGROUND : my neighborhood was late to offer DSL , because the phone system wasn 't set up for it . A couple of years ago , the phone company supposedly installed the necessary hardware around the area , and then we all joined the Modern Age . While helping me fix my connections , one of the reps mentioned that my DSL speed was slow . By some long - distance wizardry , he tested my lines , and then announced - - at least this is what I got through his accent - - that the nearest DSL " relay " was more than 7000 feet away , which means I can 't get the advertised connection speed . Not now , not ever . As it happens , I pay AT & T a hefty sum every month for " high - speed internet . " Granted , it 's faster than dial - up , but is slower than promised by roughly one - third . I think I 'll be calling them about this . Seems to me some kind of adjustment is in order . PARENTHETICAL THOUGHT II : I know , I know . . . not holding my breath . . . . Ah , well . What 's one more broken promise ? I got a million of ' em . . . . . . . does the frustration stop ? I had one of those days that you would not wish on your worst enemy 's pit bull . Half of it was spent trying to deal - - unsuccessfully - - with work issues . And half was spent on a Quixotic project a friend has asked me to participate in , one that could be a source of great pleasure . If . . . . That word always seems to creep in to everything I want to do these days . Nothing is simple and straightforward . There 's always an " if . . . " in there somewhere . If my aunt had wheels , she might be a golf cart . I thought I might explain this project , but it would likely bore or puzzle you . It involves one of my many non - remunerative skills . All I 'm really trying to do is avoid going to sleep . My waking state is bad enough ; when I sleep , I am regularly visited by demons I can 't seem to chase away . One of them even has a face , a name , and a voice . . . she seduces me when I sleep , rejects me when I 'm awake . Perhaps some single - malt anesthesia will help . At this point , I 'll try damn near anything to not wake up in a state of despair . . . . Good night . . . . is not something you 're going to get from me . At least not now , and not as it relates to the weight that is pressing down on me these days . Yes , the new computer has turned out to be a Good Thing . That it took me maybe 12 hours total to set up , reinstall necessary stuff - - typing in my email address list , for example , and getting the passwords for the websites I use for work - - and get all the factory - installed junk out of the machine , was to be expected , I guess . But the rest is , well , not so damn good . I don 't mind challenges , never have . But it seems to me that one should be able to see the possibility of some future reward for dealing with adversity . I can 't see anything like that right now . Writing about what I do see ahead would only bring you down . And bring me farther down , too . It 's easy to be critical of people who have trouble carrying the load , especially when you have a support system behind you . When you are secure in the knowledge that others have picked you up - - or will pick you up - - when you fall , or be there when you take that leap into the unknown , when you have people who cheer your every move , those who are without such support can seem incredibly weak and whiny . And it 's easy to be critical when someone you hurt is shattered by your actions . Especially when you helped create the situation that made them vulnerable to you . I think that 's all I want to say right now . I 'm getting too close to telling you the truth about why I 'm in this state of mind . Trust me when I tell you that would not be a good idea . . . . a recommendation based on his comment in the previous entry . Go here and download AVG antivirus . It 's free , as are the updates , and is very effective ! I also suggest going here to get AdAware SE , a free spyware remover . Also very good . The source of the " trojan horse " that blitzed my ex - computer was a program I was given by a " friend " who swore up and down that it had been checked and was clean . I didn 't scan it with AVG before I opened it . Yeah , I 'm a dummy . . . . and it was simple . After wasting two days on efforts to reload , debug and recover data from my computer , I simply jacked it in and headed off to Fry 's where , $ 700 or thereabouts later , I emerged with two largish boxes containing a computer that actually works . And a monitor , too . LCD beats CRT seven ways from Sunday . Of course you all know there 's more to the deal than hooking up a few wires and pushing the buttons and keys . I deleted a bunch of useless crap from the new computer - - I wouldn 't want AOL if it offered a three - year free trial , and Norton antivirus has not been my friend in the past - - and loaded in programs I actually use . The whole thing took me six hours to complete , and I 'm still not done ; one more call to the happy Hindus at the AT & T help center may finish the job . For now . Not having to worry about depending on semi - reliable friends for help - - I bought an extended - service plan - - is a big relief , let me tell you . So is the better performance of this new box . I hated to spend the money . I had other plans for it . Oh , well . They probably weren 't going to happen anyway . And now to clean up the damage done by two lost days . Too much necessary information died with the old computer , not to mention emails and assorted items I was unhappy to lose . I need to do some work , too . So my appearances here - - and as a reader - of - friends ' - journals - - may be a bit sporadic over the next few days while I play catch - up . And now , I need some more aspirin . I can 't write about what 's going on in my head this morning . I 've tried . Several times , in fact . It 's no use . And probably pointless anyway . Yes , I am angry . Furious . Ready to start howling in sheer rage , except that it wouldn 't do any good , and no one would hear me anyway over the neighbors on either side and the beer - swiller 's boom box outside and the helicopters overhead . . . . I don 't think I have to tell you why . And if I do , sorry to disappoint you . Even at my most infuriated , I 'm not about to start naming names . Not any of them . I am terribly frustrated . Things are happening , and I don 't have any control over a single damned thing . Not one . Not positive control , anwyay . Oh , yeah . With help , I can fix my computer tomorrow . I hope . But everything else just goes on and on , and if I don 't like it , none of the principal players involved gives a damn . I keep doing my little act , hoping someone will notice that I try to do my job as best I know how , try to treat people as I would like to be treated . I care , and I love . With the least encouragement , I am positive and productive , capable of giving - - and willing to give - - my all . Which is a lot , really . That - - if I throw in $ 4 . 95 plus tax - - will buy me a cup of designer coffee . I have no idea which thing among the many sent me over the edge tonight . But I 'm angry . I . Am . Angry . And I 'm damn glad no one is here to see it . Not that I 'm dangerous in any way , but simply because I 'd rather others see me when I 'm happy . Damn , I 'd rather see me happy . I could use a little help with that . It 's not forthcoming . Which makes me even angrier , more frustrated . This is one hell of a poor way to live , people . . . . are almost up . I don 't know that the connection will die again . It did this morning , and I haven 't been able to get online for so much as email checking since 0715 or so . Which is a bad thing , work - wise . I jury - rigged it somehow . . . not really sure what made it come back on . And thus I don 't know whether it will come back on next time I restart . . . . My computer is still screwing up big - time . The list of what it won 't do / does without my wanting it to is too long to display . Suffice it to say it seems some major element in Windows has been corrupted . I did find a " trojan horse " virus which , when removed , killed a few additional functions as it went out the door . I have saved everything onto CDs ( I hope ) and tomorrow we will wipe the hard drive and install Windows XP ( in place of 2000 ) and put back all the non - Microsoft stuff I 've accumulated . All , by the way , checked individually for viruses . Do you care ? Naaah . It 's just that this computer mess , which consumed hours of my day and kept me from doing productive stuff - - the program I write in is acting funky , too - - and made me want to rip out the few remaining hairs on my noggin , was the least aggravating , misery - inducing and gloom - provoking part of the day . So that makes it easier to write about than the rest . And tomorrow , thanks to some things I 've been asked to do that cannot be rescheduled and are going to occur almost simultaneously - - thus making it necessary for me to be in two widely separated places at once - - is going to be even more frustrating . It would be nice if something - - or , better , someone - - wanted to bring me a little happiness instead of constant rations of crap . But that just must be too damn much to ask . . . . and more of that morning - after feeling . No , I didn 't drink last night , or the night before ; this is the usual result of the usual round of dream - filled fitful sleep and too much time spent wide awake , staring into the darkness . Dreams are treacherous things ; the " better " they are , the worse the hours afterward . Early this morning , I organized the week ahead . The resulting list contains only ten items , but four will require most of my attention and time . Of course the continuing unreliability of my computer will affect several items , but I have someone coming to look at that tomorrow . I hope the fix is simple . But I have to say the list is depressing in a way . Nothing on it will change my mood , or affect my situation in the ways it needs to be affected . Accomplishing everything I 've identified as necessary will only keep the wolf away from the door , not make life behind the door any nicer . There was no point in putting the most important needs on the list . I can tell myself to do x and y , but without someone else doing z , that 's an exercise in self - delusion . In fact , one of the jobs I 've set for myself for the week ( but didn 't write down on the schedule ) is to ignore reality as much as I can . Otherwise , I won 't get a damn thing accomplished . That 's a tall order . . . . seems to be dismantling its little electronic self right before my eyes . Programs that were working fine two days ago now work intermittently , if at all . So I 'm burning everything important on CDs , hoping I won 't lose essential words and pictures . Adding the CD burner has proven invaluable ; it has allowed me to save things I currently do not wish to look at but can 't bring myself to simply throw away , and now it is letting me save what I need to save . After that 's done , I 'll take whatever drastic measures are needed to take to get it straightened out . I may be forced into silence for a day or two if the band - aids and chewing gum don 't work . . . . I don 't need this right now . Grief on top of grief on top of misery . Somewhere , someone is sticking - or has stuck - pins in a Scribbler - shaped voodoo doll . Only one has done serious damage ; the latest pin is just a small sting . But it does seem slightly unfair . . . . for a reason . Or so some very good , caring , thoughtful and loving people tell me . Of course the fact that they say this when I 'm feeling as if the proverbial metric ton of excreat is smacking up against the rotating ventilation device may affect my judgement of what they 're saying . They would say the same if I had achieved a long - cherished goal , too . Of that I have no doubt . And I would certainly agree with them in that instance . But they are saying it to me now . They want me to know , these wonderful people , that some good must come from the unhappiness , the feelings of rejection , the things I am expected to give up against my will . Though there is not a single aspect of my life - - at least as it concerns other people - - that isn 't in the dumpster right now , they believe some reason exists why this is meant to be , why it will be to my benefit . We disagree on one principal point : They seem to see some good coming from all this . They think I should continue to take the risks I have taken , even though the price of taking them has been so high . They believe in Good 's eventual triumph over Bad . I , on the other hand , look at the evidence and am forced to think that this is the Universe 's way of telling me that someone has to take the fall , and I 've been selected . Funny thing : I used to agree with all those good , caring , generous and loving people whom life will - - deservedly - - ultimately reward for their goodness . In fact , I used to think I might be one of them . Even so , with all cynicism laid aside , I hope they 're right . I hope the payoff they can see ( but I cannot ) comes soon so I can enjoy it , at least for a while . Today would not be too early , believe me . . . . Icarus ? The notion of risking a flight on wings of feathers and wax to reach the sun has always fascinated me . I 've always known , deep in my heart , that I 'd make that flight one day . Or am I Sisyphus , condemned for eternity to roll a boulder up a hill and have it roll back back down before I could get it to the summit ? Am I , as the myth has him , so knavish that I deserve such a fate ? I see some of both in myself . I 've taken flight to reach the sun , and I can feel my wings melting away from the heat . And I have pushed that boulder so near the summit that I could almost see over the peak . But it rolls back on me , pushing me inexorably downward to the valley from which I came . As myths , the stories of Icarus and Sisyphus are tragic , yet an element of heroism somehow comes through . Viewed in the context of real life , they seem examples of stupidity , more sad than inspirational . Yes , I may have tried to fly on inadequate wings , and I may have tried my best to push that big rock up the mountain . But a hero , I assure you , I am not . . . . my freekin ' computer is going quietly mad . It began with the DSL connection problem , and is now slowly spreading . I can 't download images from my camera ; a few other programs are slow to respond . I 'm trying to figure it all out . I know little about computers ; right now , I 'm thinking a drop from a second - floor window may be what it needs . . . . Somebody is trying to tell me Something , I think . I think the Universe is trying to let me know it just doesn 't like me . It ( the Universe , not the computer ) has been acting that way for the last three months . . . . has been a major pain in the posterior so far . And it 's not even half done . My computer is playing games with me . Not nice games , either . A couple of programs have been acting funky ; the latest is my DSL connection software , which refuses to come on screen so I can connect . I have it set to connect automatically now , but don 't much like that . Of course the young lady with the incomprehensible accent at the help number was no help at all . I don 't suppose AT & T is responsible for this anyway , so the call to New Delhi - - or Banglaore , or Mumbai , or wherever - - was a waste of time . Much earlier ( think 0715 ) , I went out to meet some people . That , too , was a waste , 120 miles on the road for nothing except fresh air , which I 'm in no mood to appreciate . So now , I get to figure out what I want to do with the rest of the day . I know what I can 't do ; the rest is just chooosing from pitiful alternatives . I 'll be back here later , no doubt . . . . is my motto - of - the - moment . Today , I might hurt someone 's feelings . I may whine , complain , make promises and commitments I 'll ignore if I change my mind later . If so , I expect you not only to approve and support my behavior , but do whatever I demand - - no matter what it costs you , no matter if it hurts you - - because it is what I want . Whether you 're a part of my personal or professional lives , don 't you dare expect anything from me . Don 't you dare hold me to the standards I profess to adhere to . Don 't you dare suggest that I should have any consideration for you , should deliver on my promises , should go out of my way for you . After all , isn 't what I think I want right now more important than anything else in the world ? It must be . After all , it 's the philosophy people seem to follow when dealing with me . . . . Love me . Respect me . Give me what I want . And when I disappoint you , hurt you , give nothing in return and back away from my commitments , remember that it 's my right to do only what I want , only what 's easiest , and no more . I 'm told I should accept it when I encounter this attitude in others , so I 'm joining the crowd . Why should I try to be better ? Or does that self - centered credo apply to them only , and not to me ? Sadly , I don 't think I 'll be able to maintain this resolve for much longer than it takes to hit the " publish post " link . I can feel it evaporating already . After all , it 's not " do unto others as you wish , and expect them to do right unto you without question . " In recent weeks , I 've written perhaps a dozen little essays - - if I may give them what is perhaps a too - grandiose title - - intended for use here . They remain safely stashed away on my computer . In each case , something made me hesitate before putting them up for others to read . And that may be a good thing . Or it might be a bad thing . They reflect my state of mind at the moment they were written , are reasonably lucid and definitely honest . Reading them might clear up a few misconceptions about aspects of my life and feelings in the minds of some who come here . Nonetheless , stashed away they are , and stashed away they are likely to remain . It 's not all about the fear I mentioned last night , though that surely plays a part . Nor , I hasten to add , does it have anything to do with said writings being libelous or mean - spirited . Frankly , the primary reason , so far as I can tell , is that I still have faint hope ( however illogical and pathetic that hope may be ) that some of the more miserable parts of my current existence may yet be turned around , and that would render some of what I 've written invalid . I don 't want to burn bridges before I cross them , so to speak . . . . Various hassles surrounding work are weighing heavily on my shoulders right now . I may write about them later . At this point , I 'm up for burning a few bridges there . . . . . . . and they 're all jammed up in my head . There 's a big , seething mass of words piled up , some bundled into finished thoughts , others wandering around looking for a sentence to hang on to . I 've tried . Oh yes , I 've tried . But they simply won 't come out . Once upon a time , I loved words . I spread them around joyously , secure in my ability to use them to amuse , provoke thought , educate , sometimes even make someone happy in special , personal ways . Now , I fear words . I dole them out like a miser parting with gold , constantly anxious lest they offend , hurt , make bad situations worse , reveal too much or too little . The words are still there . But I seem to have lost the ability to use them to good effect , so they remain stashed in the dark warehouse of my mind , waiting for happier times they may never see . Remember this old song ? I 've heard Sinatra and Louis Armstrong sing it , each with his own inflections and interpretations . . . . Yeah , it 's a defeatist 's kind of song . It doesn 't give out with any of that " you have to move on " pap spread by Dr Laura and Dr Phil and the rest of the new - age witch doctors . Rarely , usually just once in a lifetime , love is deep enough that it won 't let you " move on . " There is nowhere to move on to . When that happens , and things go sour , you got a right to sing the blues . . . . I know , believe me . I got a right to sing the blues , I got a right to feel low downI got a right to hang aroundDown around the river . A certain gal in this old town . Keeps draggin ' my poor heart around . All I see right for me , Is … is misery . I got a right to sing the blues . I got a right to moan and sigh . I got a right to sit and cry . Down around the river . I know the deep blue seaWill soon be callin ' me . It must be love , say what you choose . I got a right to sing the blues Though some feared that today 's date plus the numerological double - whammy that mortgage interest rates rose to an average 6 . 66 % heralded the beginning of the End Times ( or some such cosmic upheaval ) , nothing apocalyptic has taken place . I might not have noticed if it had ; what 's one more major disaster ? I voted today . Impossible as it may seem , I found a place even more lonely than my little cell here : the polling place . While I was there I saw exactly five people , and they were all poll workers . It wasn 't that I felt some burning need to do my Civic Duty , so much as I wanted to vote against two absurd measures - - one yet another bloated bond issue , the other a bonehead scheme to force the wealthy to pay for free state - run preschools for all children . The rest of the ballot was essentially meaningless . Most of the candidates ( this is a primary election , so one votes only within one 's own party ) ran unopposed . I hope I 'm not here in November for the " real " election . Yes , there will be more choices to be made , but they will be races between Loser ( R ) and Loser ( D ) . And there will be more bond issues , raising the state 's debt to absurd new heights , more propositions backed by various greedhead groups looking for special breaks disguised as " benefits for the people . " The rest of the day ? Don 't ask . Let 's just say there were things that I worked to improve ( with results so far unknown ) and things I was offered ( we 'll see when the time comes for the offers to be made good ) . That was work . Everything else remains as - was , which isn 't doing me any good . At least the cat seems to be doing well enough . He has a vet appointment for Monday , though if anything happens between now and then , I 'll just take him straight over there . . . . and companion for more than 16 years . Hobbes , about whom friend " birdie " was asking , is showing his age . . . . Sixteen is a long , full life for most cats . He has been , and still is , happy , but there are problems . He 's begun to have some trouble eating ; he won 't finish the portions of food I set out for him , and often comes immediately to ask for more without touching what 's there . It may be nothing worse than a dental problem . It 's apparently unrelated to the food itself ; no matter if it 's $ 1 . 10 - a - can " health " food or the basic stuff from the supermarket , I can never predict which food will interest him . Otherwise , he 's in pretty good shape . But this is the age when time grows short , and I dread losing him . So much has changed in those 16 years . For him , it has meant living in four different places , sometimes with two people ( briefly , with four ) , sometimes with three other cats , for a while with three dogs and two other cats , then with one cat and one dog , then one cat ( who lived to reach 17 ) . For me , the changes have been even more dramatic . And now , it 's just the two of us . So I 'll be taking him to the vet for a checkup . If there 's something that can be done , it will be done . If not , I don 't care if he wants to be fed ten times a day , don 't care how many half - full plates of food go into the trash . He 's been here for me for a long , long time . I 'll be here for him , no matter what . . . . like too many I 've endured recently . Alone . Hours spent hoping for sleep . Finally , fitful slumber punctuated by nightmares and dreams that might as well have been nightmares , as they took me to a place I 'll never go in waking life . And lots of thought . My friend " birdie " left a comment in my previous entry suggesting , as she has before , that I see life in terms of black and white . That 's not really so ; more precisely , I 'd say the reasons for my current unhappiness have been presented to me in black and white , and I 'm reacting to that . You can 't get to my age without knowing that others can hurt , frighten , disappoint or enrage you without meaning to . Sometimes they react because they feel you have pushed them into a corner , or because you have done something that hurts them ; the reasons don 't much matter . The result is that communication is lost and good things are thrown away . Unnecessarily . If I turned my back on people just because they did that to me , I would be even more alone than I am now . If that 's possible . I have learned to let a certain amount of behavior I don 't like simply roll off my back , to at least not hold it permanently against the person inflicting the pain , not let it be the basis on which I make judgements . In short : no one is perfect , and if one expects perfection from others , they will never be happy . Never . In any relationship - - be it with a friend or lover , and especially when outside forces are making it far more difficult - - the other person is almost certain , over time , to say or do something that seems , by your standards , so bizarre and illogical , so wrong and ill - considered , that you react badly . I reacted badly at such a moment . And I 'm paying for it . I 'm not going into detail . For the record , my reactions did not involve physical or verbal abuse , or threats of same . I 'm not made that way . I was , and am , willing to relegate what was said on both sides to the past . Just as I have let several other minor stings go . They were , in my mind , temporary aberrations not worth stewing about . I was Posted by I am terribly unhappy . It appears I am to blame for the situation that has brought me to as desperately low a state as I have ever known . It doesn 't matter if I fully understand exactly what I did , or even if I could somehow offer an explanation or clarification . Motives aren 't important ; results are . The results have been made painfully clear to me . I screwed up . And I will be paying for it as long as I live . So I can 't carry on in the spirit of the previous entry and give you a businesslike accounting of where I stand with the world . As far as I 'm concerned , the value of my stock is zero . It 's going to be a long time until I can look in the mirror and not feel loathing for the face I see there . For a time today , I felt a strong desire to simply make this journal vanish . That has weakened a bit so , for now , it stays . I may even be able to write in it , more - or - less as usual . Tomorrow , the day after , sometime . The full , terrible weight of loneliness and loss is on me tonight . If it is something you are comfortable doing , pray for me tonight . Pray that I will be forgiven for what was unintentional . Pray for the happiness of the one I upset . Pray that I can forgive myself for stupidly losing what was dearest to my heart . And pray that I can find something worthwhile in a life that doesn 't seem terribly attractive right now . I 'm afraid God isn 't listening to me tonight . . . . I 'm taking stock today , running an inventory to determine the state of affairs here at Fort Scribbler . I 'm looking at assets and liabilities , checking performance against plans and predictions . I 'm trying to assess current and future trends . In short , I 'm trying to establish the value of my various operations . Microsoft , I ain 't . But I knew that going in . The annual report ought to make interesting reading . If I dare to publish it . We 'll see . . . . doesn 't exactly put me in maximum creative mode . I fell asleep somewhere around 2345 while listening to Ian Punnett of Coast - to - Coast AM . Woke up at 0415 . Still listening to Ian Punnett . Sorry , Ian , you 're no Art Bell . You 're not even George Noori . I 've always loved late - night radio . Long before I became a professional night - owl working from 1800 to 0200 and staying up even later ( which I did for many years ) , hearing voices in the darkness soothed me , made me feel somehow connected to the world . Back in the days when I thought I might be able to have a career in radio , I wanted to do the late - night shows . Actually , I still do in a way , though it seems that 's nothing more than another unfulfilled , unfulfillable fantasy . Sometimes , when there 's nothing else to hang on to in the darkest hours of the night , people pick up the phone and call those insomniac radio hosts . No matter what the topic , you can tell something else , something far more elemental , is on their mind . Something like making contact . You have to wonder : how would that poor guy - - or rarely , for reasons I 've never understood , woman - - behind the microphone feel if their phone didn 't ring ? I know , all too well , how I feel when mine doesn 't ring . The radio 's off now . Sunday - morning programming is , as far as I 'm concerned , the lowest point in the week . PARENTHETICAL THOUGHT : one local radio station has a Sunday - morning call - in show hosted by " Jesus Christ . " Not even I , who would do damn near anything for a buck , would have the nerve to do that one . . . . I can hear birds chirping happily outside . The sky is getting light . Another day begins . No disrespect to any of them , but I dream of , pray for , a day when I won 't have to fall asleep - - or wake up - - with Ian , Art or George keeping me company . . . . is a work day . This was the weekend I was supposed to go back east . For a plethora of entirely practical reasons , I decided not to make the trip . There were also a couple of impractical reasons for the decision , but no need to go into them here . So I 'm paying for it . Instead of sweltering in the sun back there in blazer and tie , I 'll swelter here in t - shirt and shorts . And I 'll try to force my thoughts into productive paths . At least for as long as it takes to do some research and crank out an article . I 'm not as dull as this makes me sound . Really . I mean it . I 'm not . Not at all . Nuh - uh . You should see me when I 'm happy . I hope the time comes when you do . For your sake , and for mine . Ah , well . Work awaits . . . . You don 't believe me ? Dig this : Just today , I have received phone calls from Hillary Clinton , Newt Gingrich , Dianne Feinstein , the governor of California and the mayor of Los Angeles . I suppose the election next Tuesday has something to do with that . Oddly enough , none of them seemed to hear when I made attempts to reply . No matter what I said - - and some of it was fairly to - the - point and forceful - - they kept on babbling about the politician / proposition they wanted me to support . I suppose the fact that these were recorded messages had something to do with that . None of them said anything remotely approximating what I want to hear , but that doesn 't surprise me . Only one person could do that . And she hasn 't called . She 'll be warmly received if / when she does . Unlike Hillary , Newt , Dianne , Arnold or Antonio . I don 't care about them . I do care about her . . . . in so many ways . In damn near every way . Tired from . Tired of . And that 's all I 'm going to say about my world right now . More later . Maybe Not talking about some evil culinary disaster here ; just reporting on my current condition . And no , neither alcohol nor illicit substances had anything to do with it . I 've mentioned the strange computers - gone - wild behavior of the car I drove to my meeting yesterday . One of the symptoms / results was a convertible top that would lower just fine , but could not be raised . There must be some emergency procedure to raise it manually , but I couldn 't find it and was behind schedule anyway . So I was out in the sun for four hours , noggin protected only by a cap . Supposedly , the temperature was into triple digits for the majority of my drive ( a time / temperature sign I saw on my way home told me it was 97 at 3 : 30 ) , and it is a well - known fact that sun - baked concrete / asphalt is hotter than the air . By the time I got home , I felt totally burned out . Literally as well as figuratively . At 7 : 30 , I stopped fighting the funk that descended on me and went to bed . And woke up four hours later when some inconsiderate fool started blasting rap at high decibels in the alley below my bedroom window . I never did quite get back to sleep when that stopped ; just drifted in and out of consciousness . This morning ? Don 't ask . Let 's just say I 'm not really here . Doesn 't let me off the hook on a deadline that strikes today , though . I 'd better get on with meeting it . A glimmer of hope : in reading back , I see that I spelled words correctly here ( all , I think , but I 'll have to look again later ) and formed them into coherent sentences . Semi - coherent , at least . I was right : I can write in my sleep . Or even when I 'm comatose . . . . to continue with the baseball metaphor , turned out more like a soft bunt , rolling along while the players stand around watching to see if it crosses the foul line . I might have made it to first base . Or I might have to go back to the plate with another strike on the count . Right before I was set to leave , two things happened . The first was a call from my lunch host , moving it to a place 75 miles away , right in the hottest part of the area . Then , the car I 'm driving developed an electronic fault so bizarre it defies description . I had no idea whether it would even make 150 miles without doing something dumb and terminal . . . . Traffic was the worst I 've seen in years , worthy of a separate rant I may get into later . At one point , my average speed was roughly 4 . 5 miles per hour . On the freeway . No accident ; just too damn many people . It was hot , and the air was foul . The meeting was intense . Promises were made ; we 'll see if they are delivered . Or even can be ; there is a situation developing , having nothing to do with me , that may change everything at the company . Very possibly for the worse . If that doesn 't happen , things may work out . I can 't repeat the conversation . I don 't remember all of it . I was straining to measure my words , forcing myself to be rational and professional . Fortunately , I think I got my points across . At least this is one guy I can be absolutely candid with . Then I came home , through traffic almost as bad , returned the car , which gave no further trouble ; I 'm not sure what 's wrong , but I believe it to be haunted . I 'm roughly where I was 24 hours ago , though with some promises to be delivered at a later date , if I can believe in them . The only difference between 5 : 09 yesterday and 5 : 09 today is I went through one hell of a lot of stress to get here . I 'm proud of myself , though . I didn 't throw up until I got back home . . . . to the day . Didn 't sleep much last night . That 's normal , lately , but no need to go into the reasons . The result was that I woke up feeling both out - of - sorts and sad . And then I saw my horoscope . If it is ever to be accurate on any day , this would be the one : Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19You 've got all the luck in the world right now - - a first swing sends that ball right out of the park . Instant success is yours to be had - - just don 't rest on your laurels . It 's a sign you need to keep at it . I don 't know whether to laugh or weep . I 've talked to the people at Magazine # 1 already , as it 's two hours later at their office . It was , shall we say , inconclusive . The editor says she 's been having email troubles , which is why she claimed not to have received some of my communications - - and why I had to send my latest column to her seven times . Of course she let the publishing deadline pass without asking me where it might be . So one of the two checks I was expecting will not be arriving , and she has a column on reserve . I just didn 't get into the magazine for that month . The other check ? " Oh , must be delayed by the holiday . " I hear that more times than you might expect . The publisher chose today to not be in the office . He wants , I am assured , to have a long talk with me . Next week . End result ? Nothing concrete . The columns will continue to run for now , as long as the editor gets them from me . I have asked - - yet again - - that she lets me know when she receives them or , at least , lets me know the deadline is at hand ( it changes ) and asks if I 've sent it ; how difficult is that ? Does this sound like the magic day promised by my horoscope ? Not my idea of " hitting one out of the park , " I must say . So far as I know , my lunch is still on . I have a nice convertible for the 50 - mile ( each way ) trek to the office . But since temperatures are forecast to reach into the 100s today - - one local radio host has started his annual " schvitz - watch " heat warnings - - I may leave the top up . Don 't need to be muddled by the heat when the discussions begin . ThPosted by
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. . . starts in a few hours , and there are still three days to get through until the holiday , but fireworks have been going off in the neighborhood for more than a week . Not a night goes by without firecrackers and other sorts of pyrotechnic devices being lit off . Some sound suspiciously like gunfire , and may be for all I know ; at least no one has been murdered around here for several months . The fireworks are , of course , illegal . The city forbids them , even though various nearby unicorporated areas don 't restrict their sale or use . The first year I lived here , the scene on the night of the Fourth was incredible . Various kinds of unsafe and insane stuff - - smuggled in from Asia ; one of the benefits of living right next to a port - - were being shot off everywhere in the neighborhood . It was better than the " legal " professional shows . From sunset on , rockets , pinwheels , M80s and God - knows - what filled the air with brilliant displays and the smell of burnt gunpowder . That year , the police stood by and watched from a safe distance , doing nothing more than cruising the streets every half hour or so to tell people to stop . The officers were not surprised when the fun began again even before they could turn the corner . . . . But there were complaints . I believe most of them came from our dim - bulb City Council - person , who seems capable only of sucking up to developers , unions and people who can 't stand to see their neighbors having fun . So the last three years have been quieter and quieter as fewer people wanted to risk the wrath of the newly energized police . I 'd like to think this year will see a return to the defiant explosive celebrations that are , after all , part of neighborhood tradition . But I 'm not holding my breath . The police have a new division commander here , and I 'm sure he wants to keep the Council - person happy . Even so , I hope the nighttime shoot - offs are the prelude to a return to this relatively harmless one - day manifestation of lawlessness . It 's Independence Day , right ? After all , July has traditionally been an unhapPosted by . . . alive . If you want to call this " living . " A myriad of small disasters piled atop a large disaster , with precious little in the way of distraction . The mailbox that remains empty day after day - - except for bills - - and the phone that doesn 't ring - - unless it 's someone asking for a favor that will never be returned - - don 't help my mood . Obviously , my emails and voice - mail messages are vanishing into some kind of electronic limbo , never to have any effect . Other messages remain in my mind , unwritten ; I know sending them would be yet another act of futility . Ordinarily , I can cope with the small stuff just fine . Not now . The sad spiral goes on , and I 'm running out of ideas to stop it . Well , that 's not entirely true . Better to say I 'm running out of ideas I can count on to work , or even ideas that I can reasonably expect to work . Not good . . . . because I just don 't feel like getting into what 's going on inside my head . One of my favorite journal - writers is planning her honeymoon . Wherever she and The Bloke ( her intended ) go - - I suggested Mallorca - - I hope they have a wonderful time . I was looking forward to a honeymoon myself , having not had one the first time ( I had to work instead ) but since another wedding seems unlikely now , I suspect I 'll never find out what it 's like . Meanwhile , my brother is hatching bizarre plots of Cuban liberation . If he sounds the call , I 'm ready to head for the Island of Cigars and take on The Bearded One . Since I no longer have anything to lose , making a kamikaze run against the oppressor and striking a blow for ordinary people - - and , of course , for Meyer Lansky - - really appeals to me . Who knows ? Maybe my face would end up on posters and t - shirts . Hey , it worked for Che , and I 'm a much nicer guy than he was . . . . and they manage to mess things up for the rest of us . The politically - correct bluenoses here in L . A . objected strenuously to a charity benefit called " Hooters For Neuters " that was meant to raise funds for spay - and - neuter clinics . The city has withdrawn its support . The head of the " Commission on the Status of Women " set up a ruckus , and even the change in advertising from this . . . . . . to this . . . . . . didn 't keep her , and a notoriously stupid and strident city emplyee from forcing the city to withdraw its support for an event that might help cut down on the number of unwanted animals euthanized every year . I 've never been to Hooters . It isn 't my scene . But I 'm tempted to go and donate a few bucks to the cause , which is important to me . Especially if it bugs the overly sensitive p . c . types . Not long after a trip to Trader Joe 's , the local supermarket and the 99 - cent store , I fell asleep . I don 't like naps ; I always wake up feeling confused , groggy and out - of - sorts , and today was no exception . I must have slept right through my miracle , if indeed it happened . But I did dream about it . And that made me feel even worse . Even my subconscious is working hard to keep me down . It 's just not fair . . . . something to write about . It 's not as if I have nothing to say . I do . But each time I 've started in , I bailed out before finishing . I could blame it on the weather , maybe . It 's 78 degrees , very humid , overcast and there 's a strong wind blowing . Out over the ocean , there are rain showers , but whatever might be falling here evaporates - - or blows away - - before it hits the ground . Makes me feel restless , edgy . But that 's only part of it , or maybe nothing more than an excuse . There 's a lot going on in the world that bothers me ; despite my preoccupation with the personal situation , I can 't help noticing that many other things are going badly outside my own little space . I have opinions about them , but no real motivation to write . My premonitory sense is working overtime . I can 't shake the feeling that something is going to happen ; whether it 'll be good or bad , I couldn 't say . I 'm hoping for good , but recent experiences are preventing me from being optimistic . No , I don 't want to write about the ills of the world , the venality and stupidity of politicians or anything of that nature . Nor do I want to write about me in my current state . I want to write about something positive , if possible something that makes me - - and other people - - happy . If I should happen to find a bottle with a genie inside today , I 'll be hard - pressed to think of three wishes to ask for . I have only two . PARENTHETICAL THOUGHT : Actually , I do have a third wish . . . it just doesn 't relate directly to me . . . . This would be a fine , fine day for a miracle . That would get the words flowing , believe me ! . . . and anyone else who was unclear about the identity of the sleek sports car in the entry called " Hello Kitty . " It is , definitely , a Jaguar . . . And here 's the proof . . . Some confusion is understandable . I doubt there are many like it in Memphis yet . But this car , which was randomly parked behind it , should be familiar . . . . Wouldn 't mind owning either one , though the ' Vette is in dire need of some TLC . . . . . . . and no , it 's not a series of self - portraits ! Down by the docks , there 's lots of space for outdoor storage . I 've driven past this particular area countless times , but have never stopped to look . Today , I did . Among the old cars rusting away here - - and rust they do , in the salty air - - are this trio from the late ' 40s / early ' 50s : from left to right , Hudson , Mercury and Nash . . . A much newer Buick Riviera is probably the least salvageable piece of the lot , having suffered much more than the rest from the rust bug ( or , as the Brits call it , " tinworm " ) . . . . An unusual sight is this ' 49 Frazer . I recall these cars , built by Henry J . Kaiser ( of Kaiser Steel and Kaiser Permanente fame ; a nearly identical car was sold as a " Kaiser " ) , as my father had one when I was very small . They were actually quite good , but not good enough ; the last Frazer was built in 1951 , the last U . S . - made Kaiser in ' 55 . . . Oddly enough , three vintage aircraft engines are stashed here as well . These , as I understand it , are worth some serious money , and being out in the open like this can 't be good for them . . . . I love looking at old junk like this . Wouldn 't mind getting my hands on the Frazer , which looks ready to drive . . . . I know how a laboratory rat must feel . Life has turned into a bizarre series of experiments : how many times can I be swatted down and still get up ? How much pain can I bear ? How many times will I run the maze before frustration halts me ? How will I react to this stimulus , how to that one ? And , of course , the worst experiment of all , which I can 't even begin to describe . Can lab rats go on strike ? This one is tempted . Damn , I hate that phrase . Doesn 't matter whether it 's spoken by someone with good intentions or a self - important witch - doctor like Dr Laura , the message is clear : give up your desires , your needs ; they count for nothing . It 's the other person 's right to hurt you and walk away . Of course it has the greatest negative impact when said - - or implied - - by the one who has hurt you . The one who stuck the shiv between your ribs tells you not to bleed . Right . Never mind that said person relied on the same qualities they later rejected , drew support , consolation and pleasure from the feelings of love and commitment they now scorn . Never mind that said person would have been hurt terribly , would have reacted badly had those feelings turned out to be false when they needed them most . All that is irrelevant , right ? I didn 't get to the place where people feel compelled to lay that evil phrase on me all by myself , you know . Yes , I 'm bitter . Even angry . Knowing that those qualities I take the most pride in possessing have been consigned to the dumpster , knowing that when the chips are down the best in me is perceived as worthless , tends to make me that way . I don 't like living on a one - way street . . . . but not sweet . There is a ready - mix truck in the alley outside my window , noisily pumping concrete into the back yard of a house that has been under reconstruction for at least six interminable months . I cannot hear myself think , and my noise - canceling headphones don 't cut down the racket enough to help . After a sleepless night , this is too damn much . I 'm supposed to be finishing up an article this morning . I can 't . I can barely write this , which requires much less effort . I 'm getting angry . At the racket outside , at every damn thing else . We 're talking high - blood - pressure , ready - to - lash - out - at - some - helpless - inanimate - object angry here . And there 's not a potential calming influence or mitigating factor in sight . Not a good day for anyone to disagree with me or give me grief . . . . that Earth " might end up like Venus , at 250 degrees centigrade and raining sulfuric acid . " Another scientist , one Yuri Fialko of the Scripps Institution of Oceanography at La Jolla , California , is claiming a massive ( " cataclysmic " ) earthquake is overdue in the general area where I live . Compared to such catastrophic scenarios - - both far more believable than the warnings of global meltdown that Al Gore is always on about in his doom - laden , radio - evangelist 's voice - - the forces keeeping me pinned to the mat these days seem downright trivial . And they are . Except to me , of course . I mean , if Hawking 's dire warning comes true , it won 't matter what we do , will it ? I 've had a whiff or two of sulfuric acid in my time , and I can tell you breathing a steady diet of it would be downright uncomfortable . And 250 degrees centigrade is well beyond the " it 's not the heat , it 's the humidity " level of complaint . Earthquakes ? Been there , done that . Assuming no direct hit from falling palm trees and no fissure opening beneath my feet to swallow me whole , I can get through ' em . In fact , when faced with major stuff , I can hold it all together pretty well . It 's the day - to - day problems , one piled atop the next , that have gutted me . If you conclude that today was no less frustrating than previous days have been , you 're right . " SSDD , " as they say , when they 're not saying " same - old , same - old . " Don 't get me wrong . I tried . Tried to get a lot of things on the right track , or even on the way to getting on the right track , but so far no dice . And I 'll try again tomorrow , both on the items that didn 't work today and perhaps a few more , if time - - and my patience - - permit . But I would like to see a little forward progress come from all of it . Otherwise , bring on the oven - level temps and sulphuric - acid clouds , or the Big Shaker . . . . If I 'm going to end up on the canvas , I 'd much rather be KO 'd by a heavyweight . One of the reasons - - perhaps the biggest reason - - I no longer involve myself in politics is the incredible stupidity of our so - called " leaders " and those who support them most loudly . The best example is the USA 's alleged " war on terror . " For starters , I resent those - - such as our president - - who are continually babbling about " staying the course " and how " we have to make sacrifices . " They don 't make any sacrifices ; a solid majority of them never have made any . What they do is send other peoples ' children off to make the sacrifices , and spend other peoples ' money in support of their agendas . Nor do they give necessary support to those who do put it all on the line . Our military are muzzled by a ridiculous notion that " wars " can be won without inflicting serious damage on the opposition . This comes perhaps from the equally bizarre desire to be universally loved , which we never have been and never will be . Had we employed this strategy in World War II , we 'd still be fighting the Germans and Japanese . The opponents of the way the " war on terror " is being handled are equally hypocritical . For whatever reason , they scream about the " abuses " perpetrated by American soldiers ( isolated incidents when balanced against the total picture ) and totally ignore the inhuman butchery of the enemy . Have Johns Kerry or McCain or Murtha , Nancy Pelosi , Teddy Kennedy or the rest of the ranting loons in D . C . denounced the brutality inflicted on their soldiers ? They have not , and neither have their mindless followers among the media and the public . There is a disconnect here that I find frightening . To the politicians and their shills , those who risk and sometimes lose their lives while defending the nation - - and those civilians who died on 9 / 11 - - are nameless pawns in a larger game . It is a game that will continue to be played until the public wakes up and replaces the self - satisfied , self - important would - be leaders of the world in Washington with others who understand the true human and financial costs of their policies . In the meantimPosted by . . . because I am confused . These days , I feel as if I 'm playing the game of life with someone else 's marked deck , rolling someone else 's loaded dice . There are so many things I don 't understand . Big things , small things . All I do understand is that life has become a strict one - way proposition . The flow is all outward . And I am not happy about it . I don 't have much left to sacrifice , to give away , to give up . What will happen when the last of my resources are gone ? . . . make anything fundamentally important happen around here today , I spent some time working on what would be called a " pro bono " project if I had become a lawyer as my father wished instead of an itinerant wordsmith . Perhaps if my efforts bear fruit I 'll write about it here , even though there 's a substantial risk that you 'll think me even more strange than you already do . For now , let 's just say that this project involves one of my more peculiar - - and unsaleable - - talents . It also involves music , which is an essential passion for me . If I was smart , I wouldn 't even be attempting to make this project happen . It will commit me to a considerable amount of ( unpaid ) labor , which may or may not be rewarded by public approval . But there are some things in life that exert an irreesitible influence on me , and this is one of them . It would be the realization of a dream that I 've held close for the better part of 40 years . With so many dreams held in abeyance - - or shattered - - right now , it behooves me to pursue those even partially under my control . If it happens , you 'll all be invited to the Grand Opening . If not , at least I tried . . . . by other people 's idiocy . Not always , mind you . But just when you think they can 't surprise you , some folks just have to let you know how dimwitted they really are . Refer to the earlier post today about the small client that has started making big demands , demands not commensurate with the small sum they pay me . I just received another email from them , this one with a list of " guidelines " and a form I must fill out . The form must be submitted each month before I send them an article , and must be mailed - - not emailed . You wouldn 't believe the so - called guidelines . They are eerily similar to those I received before I did my first assignment for my first high - school journalism class . In some ways , they are even more dumbed - down . This adds expense - - not to mention irritation - - to every damn job I do for them in future . Beyond the cost of postage , paper , envelopes and ink in my printer , it will consume time , the most expensive commodity of all . I 'll have to call the publisher tomorrow morning , as it 's too late to do so today . A good thing to have overnight to let my temper subside and work on displaying a calm demeanor . Right now I would simply tell him to take his new editor and her new guidlines and do something painful and embarrassing with them . Forget the rest of my day . Nothing good that could or should have happened did . Isn 't anything ever going to go right again ? . . . is what these journals afford us . When we conceal our identities - - at least to the extent most of us do - - we feel free to say much that we would never say to others in our " real " lives . I know for many who read this journal I must seem about as cheery as Kim Jong - il brandishing a Taepodong - 2 . I 've gotten messages from well - meaning folks - - though not as often as I did at the old place - - telling me , in essence , to " lighten up " and " get on with life . " Unfortunately , you who visit here get to see a much more accurate portrayal of what 's really happening in my world than does anyone who meets me in person . For them , I keep up a facade of good cheer , cloak whatever happens at home or work in a positive skin . In short , I am relentlessly optimistic no matter what gets thrown at me . Sometimes , the facade cracks a bit , I admit . Being nice to people who are , intentionally or otherwise , laying more difficulties on one is hard work . So is being cooperative with people who ask for favors they have no intention of - - or have a track record of forgetting about - - repaying . But it is necessary . Those relatively close to me have no idea what I 'm going through . You , on the other hand , do . Even if I choose to omit details and identities . Even if I edit out things that might make you - - or me - - think less of other people involved . I do both , by the way . Whatever else I may be , I intend to behave as honorably as possible , do my best not to betray things said in confidence or give anyone cause not to trust me , even when the end result works against my best interests . At times , I fail to do even that much . But I try . Which is why so many potential entries here have never made it beyond rough - draft stage . There is a point to all this , believe it or not . And this is it : I would much rather be telling you about good things . Nothing would please me more than to lay out the details of people in my personal life who live up to their commitments ; who receive and don 't abuse my trust in them ; who show the same loyalty to me that I give them ; who ePosted by . . . I probably would have been better off staying in bed . Not that I was having such a wonderful time between the sheets . The usual demons visited in the night - - thankfully , without talking to me this time - - and I spent more time staring at the ceiling than is good for me . But among the early - morning emails was one that made me wish I was still asleep or struggling with the old computer and unable to access messages . My most regular - - but least financially rewarding - - client has been a pain in the posterior lately . For two years , they were happy with the subjects I picked to write about ; I would submit lists of topics on a regular basis , and they 'd take them happily . Not now . The new editor there seems to have goaded the publisher into choosing what they want me to write about . In theory , that shouldn 't be a problem , save for one minor detail : for practical reasons - - gathering information , familiarizing myself with the subject , and so on - - I need at least a month 's advance notice of the subject to put their request into what one might call " the system . " And I 'm not getting it . Their latest request gives me something like ten days to make necessary arrangements , and that 's not enough . The price they pay for my work leaves me a very small profit margin . I 've accepted it up to now because I could fit them into the schedule easily and I haven 't had to spend a lot of time dealing with the hassles of back - and - forth communication , changes of mind on their end , and the like . But when they begin to act as if they are a major client and are more demanding than the money I get from them justifies , some rethinking is in order . Now is not the time for me to react to their latest communication . I 'm not in the mood . Don 't misunderstand . It pleases me when people have high expectations of me . But unrealistic expectations are another matter altogether . I can only hope the rest of the day is better . . . . and this time it 's back to the usual nonsense . Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19Your deep and soulful connection with someone who loves you like mad lights up your life , especially when it comes to a certain career opportunity . They give you just the support you need to go for it . I 'd laugh if it wasn 't so painful . " . . . someone who loves you like mad lights up your life . . . " Some lucky Aries somewhere must be having a really good time today . I 'm more than a little envious . . . . according to the calendar . Feels like any other morning here . I was busy last night . Fixed a neighbor 's stove , then spent a couple of hours helping another neighbor load antivirus , anti - spyware and a firewall into her computer . She had been getting along without them , and was astonished at all the crud they pulled out of her files and programs . I was astonished that there were no virii found . Some people have all the luck . . . . Typical June weather here , gray and humid , with a hot day to follow . I fully intended to continue on writing about other matters after completing the first paragraph , but why bother ? Nothing changes . Nothing improves . The course of this day , like all recent days , is all too predictable . It 's another day in an endless parade of unsatisfying days . Can 't wait for it to be over . . . . Father 's Day . My father died 17 years ago . My " second father , " with whom I was far closer in many respects , died two years ago . Until fairly recently , when it was pretty late , I felt absolutely no desire to become a father . I have dated - - and shared premises with - - women with children , but there was little interaction ; the kids were older , and had relationships with their natural fathers . My situation as of , say three months ago , made me think I might inhert a family ( so to speak ) , and become a kind of surrogate father , or at least a male presence in the lives of kids who need it . Their mother put the squash to that idea . Well , she put the sqaush to me ; same result . It 's not as if I feel totally lost and useless as a result of continued non - daddy status . But I was fully up for the notion that I would have responsibility for a family . That 's heavy stuff . If nothing else , I wanted to ensure that other kids wouldn 't be messed up as I was by my father . I 've spent most of my adult life trying not to be like him . I don 't know that he was inherently unfit for the role ; I think the change from his previous life to the particular domestic situation he and my mother set up , plus the terrible relationship he had with his father , was more than he could deal with . But never mind all that . Tomorrow is indeed Father 's Day , and part of me wishes I was among those being recognized for their paternal service tomorrow . That I didn 't join the ranks of the male parental units can only be ascribed to the right woman not being around at the right time . I admire and salute all fathers who have reared their children with care and affection . Those of you who have sired offspring , or raised others ' children , and who love and protect and teach them , are heroes in my book . So enjoy your day . . . . true . My ISP 's horoscope actually got it partially right today : Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19Someone from your past has been on your mind lately . The universe works in mysterious ways - - you may cross paths with them when you least expect it . Give destiny a nudge and send an email or call them . In actual fact two " someones " have been on my mind . One is definitely a part of my " present , " unavoidably and - - as matters stand today - - painfully so . But we won 't go there now . . . . The second has been out of touch for several years . Though our relationship withered - - she left when certain aspects of my life were dragging me down ; I can 't really judge her harshly for that - - it ended without bitterness , and she did not gut me like a fish when she left . I have thought about her , especially after she dropped me a friendly staying - in - touch email a few months ago . I 'm following the horoscope 's advice . It can 't hurt anything , even though it most likely won 't change where I am or where it looks as if I 'll end up , relationship - wise . At the very least it 's nice to have some contact with a sweet , interesting , intelligent and attractive woman who never abused my love and trust . . . . from the Great Computer Crash of 2006 . I had to call my ISP 's " help " line twice while setting up the new computer . The printed directions given to connect the DSL service left out a few minor - but - vital details . No biggie ; just give ' em a call . Just as I had to do when I hooked it up with the previous computer . But an interesting tidbit emerged from those calls to New Delhi , or Mumbai , or wherever - the - hell - it - is in India that the helpers are located . A BIT OF PARENTHETICAL BACKGROUND : my neighborhood was late to offer DSL , because the phone system wasn 't set up for it . A couple of years ago , the phone company supposedly installed the necessary hardware around the area , and then we all joined the Modern Age . While helping me fix my connections , one of the reps mentioned that my DSL speed was slow . By some long - distance wizardry , he tested my lines , and then announced - - at least this is what I got through his accent - - that the nearest DSL " relay " was more than 7000 feet away , which means I can 't get the advertised connection speed . Not now , not ever . As it happens , I pay AT & T a hefty sum every month for " high - speed internet . " Granted , it 's faster than dial - up , but is slower than promised by roughly one - third . I think I 'll be calling them about this . Seems to me some kind of adjustment is in order . PARENTHETICAL THOUGHT II : I know , I know . . . not holding my breath . . . . Ah , well . What 's one more broken promise ? I got a million of ' em . . . . . . . does the frustration stop ? I had one of those days that you would not wish on your worst enemy 's pit bull . Half of it was spent trying to deal - - unsuccessfully - - with work issues . And half was spent on a Quixotic project a friend has asked me to participate in , one that could be a source of great pleasure . If . . . . That word always seems to creep in to everything I want to do these days . Nothing is simple and straightforward . There 's always an " if . . . " in there somewhere . If my aunt had wheels , she might be a golf cart . I thought I might explain this project , but it would likely bore or puzzle you . It involves one of my many non - remunerative skills . All I 'm really trying to do is avoid going to sleep . My waking state is bad enough ; when I sleep , I am regularly visited by demons I can 't seem to chase away . One of them even has a face , a name , and a voice . . . she seduces me when I sleep , rejects me when I 'm awake . Perhaps some single - malt anesthesia will help . At this point , I 'll try damn near anything to not wake up in a state of despair . . . . Good night . . . . is not something you 're going to get from me . At least not now , and not as it relates to the weight that is pressing down on me these days . Yes , the new computer has turned out to be a Good Thing . That it took me maybe 12 hours total to set up , reinstall necessary stuff - - typing in my email address list , for example , and getting the passwords for the websites I use for work - - and get all the factory - installed junk out of the machine , was to be expected , I guess . But the rest is , well , not so damn good . I don 't mind challenges , never have . But it seems to me that one should be able to see the possibility of some future reward for dealing with adversity . I can 't see anything like that right now . Writing about what I do see ahead would only bring you down . And bring me farther down , too . It 's easy to be critical of people who have trouble carrying the load , especially when you have a support system behind you . When you are secure in the knowledge that others have picked you up - - or will pick you up - - when you fall , or be there when you take that leap into the unknown , when you have people who cheer your every move , those who are without such support can seem incredibly weak and whiny . And it 's easy to be critical when someone you hurt is shattered by your actions . Especially when you helped create the situation that made them vulnerable to you . I think that 's all I want to say right now . I 'm getting too close to telling you the truth about why I 'm in this state of mind . Trust me when I tell you that would not be a good idea . . . . a recommendation based on his comment in the previous entry . Go here and download AVG antivirus . It 's free , as are the updates , and is very effective ! I also suggest going here to get AdAware SE , a free spyware remover . Also very good . The source of the " trojan horse " that blitzed my ex - computer was a program I was given by a " friend " who swore up and down that it had been checked and was clean . I didn 't scan it with AVG before I opened it . Yeah , I 'm a dummy . . . . and it was simple . After wasting two days on efforts to reload , debug and recover data from my computer , I simply jacked it in and headed off to Fry 's where , $ 700 or thereabouts later , I emerged with two largish boxes containing a computer that actually works . And a monitor , too . LCD beats CRT seven ways from Sunday . Of course you all know there 's more to the deal than hooking up a few wires and pushing the buttons and keys . I deleted a bunch of useless crap from the new computer - - I wouldn 't want AOL if it offered a three - year free trial , and Norton antivirus has not been my friend in the past - - and loaded in programs I actually use . The whole thing took me six hours to complete , and I 'm still not done ; one more call to the happy Hindus at the AT & T help center may finish the job . For now . Not having to worry about depending on semi - reliable friends for help - - I bought an extended - service plan - - is a big relief , let me tell you . So is the better performance of this new box . I hated to spend the money . I had other plans for it . Oh , well . They probably weren 't going to happen anyway . And now to clean up the damage done by two lost days . Too much necessary information died with the old computer , not to mention emails and assorted items I was unhappy to lose . I need to do some work , too . So my appearances here - - and as a reader - of - friends ' - journals - - may be a bit sporadic over the next few days while I play catch - up . And now , I need some more aspirin . I can 't write about what 's going on in my head this morning . I 've tried . Several times , in fact . It 's no use . And probably pointless anyway . Yes , I am angry . Furious . Ready to start howling in sheer rage , except that it wouldn 't do any good , and no one would hear me anyway over the neighbors on either side and the beer - swiller 's boom box outside and the helicopters overhead . . . . I don 't think I have to tell you why . And if I do , sorry to disappoint you . Even at my most infuriated , I 'm not about to start naming names . Not any of them . I am terribly frustrated . Things are happening , and I don 't have any control over a single damned thing . Not one . Not positive control , anwyay . Oh , yeah . With help , I can fix my computer tomorrow . I hope . But everything else just goes on and on , and if I don 't like it , none of the principal players involved gives a damn . I keep doing my little act , hoping someone will notice that I try to do my job as best I know how , try to treat people as I would like to be treated . I care , and I love . With the least encouragement , I am positive and productive , capable of giving - - and willing to give - - my all . Which is a lot , really . That - - if I throw in $ 4 . 95 plus tax - - will buy me a cup of designer coffee . I have no idea which thing among the many sent me over the edge tonight . But I 'm angry . I . Am . Angry . And I 'm damn glad no one is here to see it . Not that I 'm dangerous in any way , but simply because I 'd rather others see me when I 'm happy . Damn , I 'd rather see me happy . I could use a little help with that . It 's not forthcoming . Which makes me even angrier , more frustrated . This is one hell of a poor way to live , people . . . . are almost up . I don 't know that the connection will die again . It did this morning , and I haven 't been able to get online for so much as email checking since 0715 or so . Which is a bad thing , work - wise . I jury - rigged it somehow . . . not really sure what made it come back on . And thus I don 't know whether it will come back on next time I restart . . . . My computer is still screwing up big - time . The list of what it won 't do / does without my wanting it to is too long to display . Suffice it to say it seems some major element in Windows has been corrupted . I did find a " trojan horse " virus which , when removed , killed a few additional functions as it went out the door . I have saved everything onto CDs ( I hope ) and tomorrow we will wipe the hard drive and install Windows XP ( in place of 2000 ) and put back all the non - Microsoft stuff I 've accumulated . All , by the way , checked individually for viruses . Do you care ? Naaah . It 's just that this computer mess , which consumed hours of my day and kept me from doing productive stuff - - the program I write in is acting funky , too - - and made me want to rip out the few remaining hairs on my noggin , was the least aggravating , misery - inducing and gloom - provoking part of the day . So that makes it easier to write about than the rest . And tomorrow , thanks to some things I 've been asked to do that cannot be rescheduled and are going to occur almost simultaneously - - thus making it necessary for me to be in two widely separated places at once - - is going to be even more frustrating . It would be nice if something - - or , better , someone - - wanted to bring me a little happiness instead of constant rations of crap . But that just must be too damn much to ask . . . . and more of that morning - after feeling . No , I didn 't drink last night , or the night before ; this is the usual result of the usual round of dream - filled fitful sleep and too much time spent wide awake , staring into the darkness . Dreams are treacherous things ; the " better " they are , the worse the hours afterward . Early this morning , I organized the week ahead . The resulting list contains only ten items , but four will require most of my attention and time . Of course the continuing unreliability of my computer will affect several items , but I have someone coming to look at that tomorrow . I hope the fix is simple . But I have to say the list is depressing in a way . Nothing on it will change my mood , or affect my situation in the ways it needs to be affected . Accomplishing everything I 've identified as necessary will only keep the wolf away from the door , not make life behind the door any nicer . There was no point in putting the most important needs on the list . I can tell myself to do x and y , but without someone else doing z , that 's an exercise in self - delusion . In fact , one of the jobs I 've set for myself for the week ( but didn 't write down on the schedule ) is to ignore reality as much as I can . Otherwise , I won 't get a damn thing accomplished . That 's a tall order . . . . seems to be dismantling its little electronic self right before my eyes . Programs that were working fine two days ago now work intermittently , if at all . So I 'm burning everything important on CDs , hoping I won 't lose essential words and pictures . Adding the CD burner has proven invaluable ; it has allowed me to save things I currently do not wish to look at but can 't bring myself to simply throw away , and now it is letting me save what I need to save . After that 's done , I 'll take whatever drastic measures are needed to take to get it straightened out . I may be forced into silence for a day or two if the band - aids and chewing gum don 't work . . . . I don 't need this right now . Grief on top of grief on top of misery . Somewhere , someone is sticking - or has stuck - pins in a Scribbler - shaped voodoo doll . Only one has done serious damage ; the latest pin is just a small sting . But it does seem slightly unfair . . . . for a reason . Or so some very good , caring , thoughtful and loving people tell me . Of course the fact that they say this when I 'm feeling as if the proverbial metric ton of excreat is smacking up against the rotating ventilation device may affect my judgement of what they 're saying . They would say the same if I had achieved a long - cherished goal , too . Of that I have no doubt . And I would certainly agree with them in that instance . But they are saying it to me now . They want me to know , these wonderful people , that some good must come from the unhappiness , the feelings of rejection , the things I am expected to give up against my will . Though there is not a single aspect of my life - - at least as it concerns other people - - that isn 't in the dumpster right now , they believe some reason exists why this is meant to be , why it will be to my benefit . We disagree on one principal point : They seem to see some good coming from all this . They think I should continue to take the risks I have taken , even though the price of taking them has been so high . They believe in Good 's eventual triumph over Bad . I , on the other hand , look at the evidence and am forced to think that this is the Universe 's way of telling me that someone has to take the fall , and I 've been selected . Funny thing : I used to agree with all those good , caring , generous and loving people whom life will - - deservedly - - ultimately reward for their goodness . In fact , I used to think I might be one of them . Even so , with all cynicism laid aside , I hope they 're right . I hope the payoff they can see ( but I cannot ) comes soon so I can enjoy it , at least for a while . Today would not be too early , believe me . . . . Icarus ? The notion of risking a flight on wings of feathers and wax to reach the sun has always fascinated me . I 've always known , deep in my heart , that I 'd make that flight one day . Or am I Sisyphus , condemned for eternity to roll a boulder up a hill and have it roll back back down before I could get it to the summit ? Am I , as the myth has him , so knavish that I deserve such a fate ? I see some of both in myself . I 've taken flight to reach the sun , and I can feel my wings melting away from the heat . And I have pushed that boulder so near the summit that I could almost see over the peak . But it rolls back on me , pushing me inexorably downward to the valley from which I came . As myths , the stories of Icarus and Sisyphus are tragic , yet an element of heroism somehow comes through . Viewed in the context of real life , they seem examples of stupidity , more sad than inspirational . Yes , I may have tried to fly on inadequate wings , and I may have tried my best to push that big rock up the mountain . But a hero , I assure you , I am not . . . . my freekin ' computer is going quietly mad . It began with the DSL connection problem , and is now slowly spreading . I can 't download images from my camera ; a few other programs are slow to respond . I 'm trying to figure it all out . I know little about computers ; right now , I 'm thinking a drop from a second - floor window may be what it needs . . . . Somebody is trying to tell me Something , I think . I think the Universe is trying to let me know it just doesn 't like me . It ( the Universe , not the computer ) has been acting that way for the last three months . . . . has been a major pain in the posterior so far . And it 's not even half done . My computer is playing games with me . Not nice games , either . A couple of programs have been acting funky ; the latest is my DSL connection software , which refuses to come on screen so I can connect . I have it set to connect automatically now , but don 't much like that . Of course the young lady with the incomprehensible accent at the help number was no help at all . I don 't suppose AT & T is responsible for this anyway , so the call to New Delhi - - or Banglaore , or Mumbai , or wherever - - was a waste of time . Much earlier ( think 0715 ) , I went out to meet some people . That , too , was a waste , 120 miles on the road for nothing except fresh air , which I 'm in no mood to appreciate . So now , I get to figure out what I want to do with the rest of the day . I know what I can 't do ; the rest is just chooosing from pitiful alternatives . I 'll be back here later , no doubt . . . . is my motto - of - the - moment . Today , I might hurt someone 's feelings . I may whine , complain , make promises and commitments I 'll ignore if I change my mind later . If so , I expect you not only to approve and support my behavior , but do whatever I demand - - no matter what it costs you , no matter if it hurts you - - because it is what I want . Whether you 're a part of my personal or professional lives , don 't you dare expect anything from me . Don 't you dare hold me to the standards I profess to adhere to . Don 't you dare suggest that I should have any consideration for you , should deliver on my promises , should go out of my way for you . After all , isn 't what I think I want right now more important than anything else in the world ? It must be . After all , it 's the philosophy people seem to follow when dealing with me . . . . Love me . Respect me . Give me what I want . And when I disappoint you , hurt you , give nothing in return and back away from my commitments , remember that it 's my right to do only what I want , only what 's easiest , and no more . I 'm told I should accept it when I encounter this attitude in others , so I 'm joining the crowd . Why should I try to be better ? Or does that self - centered credo apply to them only , and not to me ? Sadly , I don 't think I 'll be able to maintain this resolve for much longer than it takes to hit the " publish post " link . I can feel it evaporating already . After all , it 's not " do unto others as you wish , and expect them to do right unto you without question . " In recent weeks , I 've written perhaps a dozen little essays - - if I may give them what is perhaps a too - grandiose title - - intended for use here . They remain safely stashed away on my computer . In each case , something made me hesitate before putting them up for others to read . And that may be a good thing . Or it might be a bad thing . They reflect my state of mind at the moment they were written , are reasonably lucid and definitely honest . Reading them might clear up a few misconceptions about aspects of my life and feelings in the minds of some who come here . Nonetheless , stashed away they are , and stashed away they are likely to remain . It 's not all about the fear I mentioned last night , though that surely plays a part . Nor , I hasten to add , does it have anything to do with said writings being libelous or mean - spirited . Frankly , the primary reason , so far as I can tell , is that I still have faint hope ( however illogical and pathetic that hope may be ) that some of the more miserable parts of my current existence may yet be turned around , and that would render some of what I 've written invalid . I don 't want to burn bridges before I cross them , so to speak . . . . Various hassles surrounding work are weighing heavily on my shoulders right now . I may write about them later . At this point , I 'm up for burning a few bridges there . . . . . . . and they 're all jammed up in my head . There 's a big , seething mass of words piled up , some bundled into finished thoughts , others wandering around looking for a sentence to hang on to . I 've tried . Oh yes , I 've tried . But they simply won 't come out . Once upon a time , I loved words . I spread them around joyously , secure in my ability to use them to amuse , provoke thought , educate , sometimes even make someone happy in special , personal ways . Now , I fear words . I dole them out like a miser parting with gold , constantly anxious lest they offend , hurt , make bad situations worse , reveal too much or too little . The words are still there . But I seem to have lost the ability to use them to good effect , so they remain stashed in the dark warehouse of my mind , waiting for happier times they may never see . Remember this old song ? I 've heard Sinatra and Louis Armstrong sing it , each with his own inflections and interpretations . . . . Yeah , it 's a defeatist 's kind of song . It doesn 't give out with any of that " you have to move on " pap spread by Dr Laura and Dr Phil and the rest of the new - age witch doctors . Rarely , usually just once in a lifetime , love is deep enough that it won 't let you " move on . " There is nowhere to move on to . When that happens , and things go sour , you got a right to sing the blues . . . . I know , believe me . I got a right to sing the blues , I got a right to feel low downI got a right to hang aroundDown around the river . A certain gal in this old town . Keeps draggin ' my poor heart around . All I see right for me , Is … is misery . I got a right to sing the blues . I got a right to moan and sigh . I got a right to sit and cry . Down around the river . I know the deep blue seaWill soon be callin ' me . It must be love , say what you choose . I got a right to sing the blues Though some feared that today 's date plus the numerological double - whammy that mortgage interest rates rose to an average 6 . 66 % heralded the beginning of the End Times ( or some such cosmic upheaval ) , nothing apocalyptic has taken place . I might not have noticed if it had ; what 's one more major disaster ? I voted today . Impossible as it may seem , I found a place even more lonely than my little cell here : the polling place . While I was there I saw exactly five people , and they were all poll workers . It wasn 't that I felt some burning need to do my Civic Duty , so much as I wanted to vote against two absurd measures - - one yet another bloated bond issue , the other a bonehead scheme to force the wealthy to pay for free state - run preschools for all children . The rest of the ballot was essentially meaningless . Most of the candidates ( this is a primary election , so one votes only within one 's own party ) ran unopposed . I hope I 'm not here in November for the " real " election . Yes , there will be more choices to be made , but they will be races between Loser ( R ) and Loser ( D ) . And there will be more bond issues , raising the state 's debt to absurd new heights , more propositions backed by various greedhead groups looking for special breaks disguised as " benefits for the people . " The rest of the day ? Don 't ask . Let 's just say there were things that I worked to improve ( with results so far unknown ) and things I was offered ( we 'll see when the time comes for the offers to be made good ) . That was work . Everything else remains as - was , which isn 't doing me any good . At least the cat seems to be doing well enough . He has a vet appointment for Monday , though if anything happens between now and then , I 'll just take him straight over there . . . . and companion for more than 16 years . Hobbes , about whom friend " birdie " was asking , is showing his age . . . . Sixteen is a long , full life for most cats . He has been , and still is , happy , but there are problems . He 's begun to have some trouble eating ; he won 't finish the portions of food I set out for him , and often comes immediately to ask for more without touching what 's there . It may be nothing worse than a dental problem . It 's apparently unrelated to the food itself ; no matter if it 's $ 1 . 10 - a - can " health " food or the basic stuff from the supermarket , I can never predict which food will interest him . Otherwise , he 's in pretty good shape . But this is the age when time grows short , and I dread losing him . So much has changed in those 16 years . For him , it has meant living in four different places , sometimes with two people ( briefly , with four ) , sometimes with three other cats , for a while with three dogs and two other cats , then with one cat and one dog , then one cat ( who lived to reach 17 ) . For me , the changes have been even more dramatic . And now , it 's just the two of us . So I 'll be taking him to the vet for a checkup . If there 's something that can be done , it will be done . If not , I don 't care if he wants to be fed ten times a day , don 't care how many half - full plates of food go into the trash . He 's been here for me for a long , long time . I 'll be here for him , no matter what . . . . like too many I 've endured recently . Alone . Hours spent hoping for sleep . Finally , fitful slumber punctuated by nightmares and dreams that might as well have been nightmares , as they took me to a place I 'll never go in waking life . And lots of thought . My friend " birdie " left a comment in my previous entry suggesting , as she has before , that I see life in terms of black and white . That 's not really so ; more precisely , I 'd say the reasons for my current unhappiness have been presented to me in black and white , and I 'm reacting to that . You can 't get to my age without knowing that others can hurt , frighten , disappoint or enrage you without meaning to . Sometimes they react because they feel you have pushed them into a corner , or because you have done something that hurts them ; the reasons don 't much matter . The result is that communication is lost and good things are thrown away . Unnecessarily . If I turned my back on people just because they did that to me , I would be even more alone than I am now . If that 's possible . I have learned to let a certain amount of behavior I don 't like simply roll off my back , to at least not hold it permanently against the person inflicting the pain , not let it be the basis on which I make judgements . In short : no one is perfect , and if one expects perfection from others , they will never be happy . Never . In any relationship - - be it with a friend or lover , and especially when outside forces are making it far more difficult - - the other person is almost certain , over time , to say or do something that seems , by your standards , so bizarre and illogical , so wrong and ill - considered , that you react badly . I reacted badly at such a moment . And I 'm paying for it . I 'm not going into detail . For the record , my reactions did not involve physical or verbal abuse , or threats of same . I 'm not made that way . I was , and am , willing to relegate what was said on both sides to the past . Just as I have let several other minor stings go . They were , in my mind , temporary aberrations not worth stewing about . I was Posted by I am terribly unhappy . It appears I am to blame for the situation that has brought me to as desperately low a state as I have ever known . It doesn 't matter if I fully understand exactly what I did , or even if I could somehow offer an explanation or clarification . Motives aren 't important ; results are . The results have been made painfully clear to me . I screwed up . And I will be paying for it as long as I live . So I can 't carry on in the spirit of the previous entry and give you a businesslike accounting of where I stand with the world . As far as I 'm concerned , the value of my stock is zero . It 's going to be a long time until I can look in the mirror and not feel loathing for the face I see there . For a time today , I felt a strong desire to simply make this journal vanish . That has weakened a bit so , for now , it stays . I may even be able to write in it , more - or - less as usual . Tomorrow , the day after , sometime . The full , terrible weight of loneliness and loss is on me tonight . If it is something you are comfortable doing , pray for me tonight . Pray that I will be forgiven for what was unintentional . Pray for the happiness of the one I upset . Pray that I can forgive myself for stupidly losing what was dearest to my heart . And pray that I can find something worthwhile in a life that doesn 't seem terribly attractive right now . I 'm afraid God isn 't listening to me tonight . . . . I 'm taking stock today , running an inventory to determine the state of affairs here at Fort Scribbler . I 'm looking at assets and liabilities , checking performance against plans and predictions . I 'm trying to assess current and future trends . In short , I 'm trying to establish the value of my various operations . Microsoft , I ain 't . But I knew that going in . The annual report ought to make interesting reading . If I dare to publish it . We 'll see . . . . doesn 't exactly put me in maximum creative mode . I fell asleep somewhere around 2345 while listening to Ian Punnett of Coast - to - Coast AM . Woke up at 0415 . Still listening to Ian Punnett . Sorry , Ian , you 're no Art Bell . You 're not even George Noori . I 've always loved late - night radio . Long before I became a professional night - owl working from 1800 to 0200 and staying up even later ( which I did for many years ) , hearing voices in the darkness soothed me , made me feel somehow connected to the world . Back in the days when I thought I might be able to have a career in radio , I wanted to do the late - night shows . Actually , I still do in a way , though it seems that 's nothing more than another unfulfilled , unfulfillable fantasy . Sometimes , when there 's nothing else to hang on to in the darkest hours of the night , people pick up the phone and call those insomniac radio hosts . No matter what the topic , you can tell something else , something far more elemental , is on their mind . Something like making contact . You have to wonder : how would that poor guy - - or rarely , for reasons I 've never understood , woman - - behind the microphone feel if their phone didn 't ring ? I know , all too well , how I feel when mine doesn 't ring . The radio 's off now . Sunday - morning programming is , as far as I 'm concerned , the lowest point in the week . PARENTHETICAL THOUGHT : one local radio station has a Sunday - morning call - in show hosted by " Jesus Christ . " Not even I , who would do damn near anything for a buck , would have the nerve to do that one . . . . I can hear birds chirping happily outside . The sky is getting light . Another day begins . No disrespect to any of them , but I dream of , pray for , a day when I won 't have to fall asleep - - or wake up - - with Ian , Art or George keeping me company . . . . is a work day . This was the weekend I was supposed to go back east . For a plethora of entirely practical reasons , I decided not to make the trip . There were also a couple of impractical reasons for the decision , but no need to go into them here . So I 'm paying for it . Instead of sweltering in the sun back there in blazer and tie , I 'll swelter here in t - shirt and shorts . And I 'll try to force my thoughts into productive paths . At least for as long as it takes to do some research and crank out an article . I 'm not as dull as this makes me sound . Really . I mean it . I 'm not . Not at all . Nuh - uh . You should see me when I 'm happy . I hope the time comes when you do . For your sake , and for mine . Ah , well . Work awaits . . . . You don 't believe me ? Dig this : Just today , I have received phone calls from Hillary Clinton , Newt Gingrich , Dianne Feinstein , the governor of California and the mayor of Los Angeles . I suppose the election next Tuesday has something to do with that . Oddly enough , none of them seemed to hear when I made attempts to reply . No matter what I said - - and some of it was fairly to - the - point and forceful - - they kept on babbling about the politician / proposition they wanted me to support . I suppose the fact that these were recorded messages had something to do with that . None of them said anything remotely approximating what I want to hear , but that doesn 't surprise me . Only one person could do that . And she hasn 't called . She 'll be warmly received if / when she does . Unlike Hillary , Newt , Dianne , Arnold or Antonio . I don 't care about them . I do care about her . . . . in so many ways . In damn near every way . Tired from . Tired of . And that 's all I 'm going to say about my world right now . More later . Maybe Not talking about some evil culinary disaster here ; just reporting on my current condition . And no , neither alcohol nor illicit substances had anything to do with it . I 've mentioned the strange computers - gone - wild behavior of the car I drove to my meeting yesterday . One of the symptoms / results was a convertible top that would lower just fine , but could not be raised . There must be some emergency procedure to raise it manually , but I couldn 't find it and was behind schedule anyway . So I was out in the sun for four hours , noggin protected only by a cap . Supposedly , the temperature was into triple digits for the majority of my drive ( a time / temperature sign I saw on my way home told me it was 97 at 3 : 30 ) , and it is a well - known fact that sun - baked concrete / asphalt is hotter than the air . By the time I got home , I felt totally burned out . Literally as well as figuratively . At 7 : 30 , I stopped fighting the funk that descended on me and went to bed . And woke up four hours later when some inconsiderate fool started blasting rap at high decibels in the alley below my bedroom window . I never did quite get back to sleep when that stopped ; just drifted in and out of consciousness . This morning ? Don 't ask . Let 's just say I 'm not really here . Doesn 't let me off the hook on a deadline that strikes today , though . I 'd better get on with meeting it . A glimmer of hope : in reading back , I see that I spelled words correctly here ( all , I think , but I 'll have to look again later ) and formed them into coherent sentences . Semi - coherent , at least . I was right : I can write in my sleep . Or even when I 'm comatose . . . . to continue with the baseball metaphor , turned out more like a soft bunt , rolling along while the players stand around watching to see if it crosses the foul line . I might have made it to first base . Or I might have to go back to the plate with another strike on the count . Right before I was set to leave , two things happened . The first was a call from my lunch host , moving it to a place 75 miles away , right in the hottest part of the area . Then , the car I 'm driving developed an electronic fault so bizarre it defies description . I had no idea whether it would even make 150 miles without doing something dumb and terminal . . . . Traffic was the worst I 've seen in years , worthy of a separate rant I may get into later . At one point , my average speed was roughly 4 . 5 miles per hour . On the freeway . No accident ; just too damn many people . It was hot , and the air was foul . The meeting was intense . Promises were made ; we 'll see if they are delivered . Or even can be ; there is a situation developing , having nothing to do with me , that may change everything at the company . Very possibly for the worse . If that doesn 't happen , things may work out . I can 't repeat the conversation . I don 't remember all of it . I was straining to measure my words , forcing myself to be rational and professional . Fortunately , I think I got my points across . At least this is one guy I can be absolutely candid with . Then I came home , through traffic almost as bad , returned the car , which gave no further trouble ; I 'm not sure what 's wrong , but I believe it to be haunted . I 'm roughly where I was 24 hours ago , though with some promises to be delivered at a later date , if I can believe in them . The only difference between 5 : 09 yesterday and 5 : 09 today is I went through one hell of a lot of stress to get here . I 'm proud of myself , though . I didn 't throw up until I got back home . . . . to the day . Didn 't sleep much last night . That 's normal , lately , but no need to go into the reasons . The result was that I woke up feeling both out - of - sorts and sad . And then I saw my horoscope . If it is ever to be accurate on any day , this would be the one : Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19You 've got all the luck in the world right now - - a first swing sends that ball right out of the park . Instant success is yours to be had - - just don 't rest on your laurels . It 's a sign you need to keep at it . I don 't know whether to laugh or weep . I 've talked to the people at Magazine # 1 already , as it 's two hours later at their office . It was , shall we say , inconclusive . The editor says she 's been having email troubles , which is why she claimed not to have received some of my communications - - and why I had to send my latest column to her seven times . Of course she let the publishing deadline pass without asking me where it might be . So one of the two checks I was expecting will not be arriving , and she has a column on reserve . I just didn 't get into the magazine for that month . The other check ? " Oh , must be delayed by the holiday . " I hear that more times than you might expect . The publisher chose today to not be in the office . He wants , I am assured , to have a long talk with me . Next week . End result ? Nothing concrete . The columns will continue to run for now , as long as the editor gets them from me . I have asked - - yet again - - that she lets me know when she receives them or , at least , lets me know the deadline is at hand ( it changes ) and asks if I 've sent it ; how difficult is that ? Does this sound like the magic day promised by my horoscope ? Not my idea of " hitting one out of the park , " I must say . So far as I know , my lunch is still on . I have a nice convertible for the 50 - mile ( each way ) trek to the office . But since temperatures are forecast to reach into the 100s today - - one local radio host has started his annual " schvitz - watch " heat warnings - - I may leave the top up . Don 't need to be muddled by the heat when the discussions begin . ThPosted by
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Explosions echoed all around , the sound of a hundred beating drums . Dirt flew up and enveloped the sky in a thick , blinding cloud of brown dust . Sounds of sporadic gunfire , shouting and screaming came from every direction . The madness of the situation at hand pushed even the strongest willed men past all their capabilities and left them a shivering shell of a man . As Ron came to recognize his surroundings he caught a glimpse of a blurry shape heading toward him , the shape was crouched low with a rifle in his hand , the strange figure was now crouched low next to Ron . As the figure scanned the area with his rifle in his shoulder Ron recognized the face and managed to summon a few words " Hey Bishop … . hows it going ? ? God i don 't know what happened but damn I 'm aching from it " . Bishop was a very good friend of Ron who had grown up with him on the main streets of Brooklyn , New York . They went too school together , basic training together and they had been posted in the same outfit , Baker Co , 16th Infantry Regiment . Over the years they had been through thick and thin and had always stood side by side , they were more than just pals , they were family , they were brothers . " Hey buddy , don 't worry " the calm voice of Bishop reassured Ron " lets get you into cover " . As Bishop grabbed Ron by the belt his hand came to rest on a strange , moist mushy patch which turned his hand crimson red . Bishop stripped Ron of his jacket and his usual calm demeanor was now replaced by panic and worry . Small holes peppered Rons chest and arms but the one wound that had Bishop worried was the missing baseball sized chunk of flesh on Rons hip , as the blood oozed from the wound , Bishop regained his composure and again grabbed the belt and dragged his wounded friend into the nearby safety of a bomb crater . Ron lay on the floor of the crater his head still spinning and body aching . Ron hadn 't yet checked himself over , the thought not yet registering in his head but as he lay there he glanced down to see what the weird sensation was he could feel " Oh god … I 'm hit … I 'm hit " panic gripped Ron , one of the deadliest enemies in combat , worse than the actual regime he had been sent to fight against . Bishop tried desperately to calm his friend as he attempted to stem the loss of blood . " Ron your fine , you 're gonna be fine … . everythings okay , were gonna get you patched up and sent back to England , just think of all those good looking nurses tending to your every need … jeez i wish i was in your situation , you get too have all the fun while I 'm here slugging it through the mud " . The humor was a medicine to take Rons mind of the pain , even if only for a brief moment . Bishop looked around the area surrounding him and was filled with joy at the sight of a white and red crossed helmet clambering over the ground and heading towards him and Ron . " Ron … hey buddy … its a medic . You 're gonna be fine " Bishop waved his arm in the air " DOC … . DOC , over here … . we got a man down " . The medic jumped in the hole and began assessing the wounds on Ron . As he looked closer at the wound on Rons hip the medic spoke , soft and calm to Bishop " Keep him calm , talk to him . Its a severe wound … we need to get him patched up the best we can till we can get him back to a ship . The shrapnel has gone deep and done some damage to his organs … . i can only done so much " . As Ron lay on the ground Bishop was crouched next to him overcome with shock and emotion at the words the medic had just delivered . They looked at each other . " Hey Ron , do you remember you remember basic ? " Ron stared at his friends face as the memories of the bus ride to Camp Houston came flooding back ! ! For a brief moment there was no noise , no movement outside of the bus , the rain seemed to ease . Inside the bus men stayed glued to their seats , the conversations that had drowned out the sound of the engine on the six hour drive had ceased . Ron turned to the man sat next to him " Hey Joe , what do you think … " the question was cut short by the opening of the bus doors and a tall , dark haired and tanned skinned man in a green jumpsuit climbed the steps and faced the bus full of now looking nervous men . The rain had eased and the wind had died as Ron and the rest of the men were trudging through the mud navigating their way through the forest that surrounded the camp , exhausted and struggling they main thought was that things could not get any worse . Ron found it difficult to keep standing as the mud consumed his boots up to his ankles , his legs ached and he wanted to give in there and then . As Ron found his way to the front of the group Captain Swanson stopped in his tracks , turned and saw the recruits struggling to keep up . He paced between the shoddy line of men " YOU WANT TO BE SOLDIERS … . . YOU WANT TOO KILL GERMANS … YOUR PATHETIC … YOUR WEAK " his insults only drove the men on to succeed , Ron at last reached the edge of the woods and found himself back inside the camp , he fell to his knees and thought too himself that things couldn 't get any worse . He had no idea of the things to come . A bugle sounded in the distance , the sun began to rise and the birds began too sing . This ' hell ' Ron and so many men had come to , was into its third week . Three week of running through mud , close order drill , night problems and the assault course was starting to become enjoyable for Ron . He stood dressing himself and was thinking he could take anything else that Captain Swanson could throw at him , Ron had come to prove himself on so many occasions , he was a crack shot and a born leader who had been placed in charge of the platoon on numerous occasions . " Hey Ron can i ask you something " Bishops voice was shaky and trembling " You do me a favor if something happens to me … . i want you to give this too my mom " his hands were trembling the envelope exchanged hands . " Joe . . whats wrong buddy ? ? " asked a now concerned Ron , he had never seen his friend like this . " The other night i had a dream … . we were standing on top of a hill overlooking the sea . . it was gloomy and rough , we turned and walked away , then . . all of a sudden … a shot rang out … i was lying on the ground , i couldn 't move , you dragged me to a hole … you held my hand and promised things would be okay … . . i died . Ron i died in a hole in the ground , i don 't even know where . " Joe stood to his feet and walked to the door , as he got halfway between the row of bunks the door swung open and in the frame stood Captain Swanson , hands on hips and a grin on his face . " Morning men … . . boy were gonna have a great day today … lets go for some air " The men got too their feet and followed Swanson out to the back of the camp , a strong putrid smell greeted the men as they reached the fields at back . Into view came a horrendous sight , blood guts and barbed wire were strewn over er the ground . Men turned grey with sickness and some lost their stomach . Captain Swanson stood facing the carnage and took a deep breath " I only have one word of advice for you … you keep your arse too the ground . That machine gun over there will guarantee you do just that . It will be firing LIVE rounds , you get to your knees while that thing is firing , i can promise you it will put you down … AND … . you will stay down . " The sun was high in the sky and a cool breeze ran through air as Ron sat on the step of his billet looking out into space . " Joe … do you remember all those time at home when we got into trouble , we stood by each other … . we had each others back . I want you to listen too me , i will lookout for you , you 'll be fine . I got your back and you got mine . We 're gonna get through this okay . Just think in a few more years … you 'll be there with your child on you lap , they will hear the stories you have to tell " the words seemed to put Bishop at ease , his composure relaxed . As the sky darkened Ron and went into the billet and climbed into bed . " You will go home " Ron muttered too his friend as he lay there with his eyes closed . Ten weeks had passed now since 18 year old Ron Abernathy had climbed down the steps of the bus and entered a whole new world . He stood facing the window staring out into the camp , reminiscing about the previous weeks . He now stood tall . He had proved his worth . Ron had survived basic training . Bishop looked at his friend and felt hopeless as the words sank in , Rons complexion continued to go pale . " Talk to him about something else " the medic urged . Ron faced Bishop " I 'll be walking through the Bronx in no time , sitting in a bar with a cold beer , its gonna be heaven . " Smiles were exchanged as Bishop looked at his friend " Hey how about we get back to England sometime ? Lets go and see London some more " Ron smiled as he remembered the boat crossing to England . On the 24th August 1943 a convoy of ships were sailing in the Irish sea bound for England . Overhead fighter escorts patrolled the skies ready to pounce on the enemy if the dared attack . Thousands of bodies covered the decks of the ships , among the men on the ships was now 19 year old Ron Abernathy , his frame had built out quit large , his skinny lanky body had now built out into a slightly toned body of muscle . This was Ron 's first time out of the states and he was quite apprehensive . As Ron was stood on the edge of the deck aboard the SS Sanmaria , quietly observing the sea waves stretch up the side of the ship and then retreat back into the grey , murking and unforgiving depths , he couldn 't help but wonder were the war would send him , he had heard rumors but kept an open mind that his theater of war be Europe ? Around the ship the men tried to make use of the space , musicians played their instruments , men slept at any given chance , others gambled away their money playing poker or craps . Most of the men talked , whether it was about home or for a show of bravado . As Ron stood facing the expansive ocean he could hear one such comment of pure bravado from a GI behind him , " Dragging our arses half way around the world … tell you something now , there ain 't gonna be one goddamn kraut left when i get to where we are heading " . Ron chuckled to himself , not being one for biting of more than he could chew he was amused at the comment and let out a little laugh . He headed over to a group of men crouching under the stairwell that went to the observation decks , as he neared the group moans and cheers could be heard following that insults about mothers and sister were exchanged . Ron peered over the shoulders of some of the men , a craps game was in full swing , Ron shouted over the roar of cheers that erupted suddenly " Hey buddy I 'm in … put me down for $ 40 , hell i probably wont need it anyway " . Within the hour Ron had lost over $ 200 , embarrassed over his poor luck and not very efficient gambling techniques Ron slipped away below decks . He bobbed and weaved his way past the hundreds of men crowded in the converted sleeping area , a mass of equipment and a foul stench of body odor greeted the men as they walked through the door , as he neared his bunk he stopped to talk with Bishop " Hey buddy … well the good news is if i die … . I 'm gonna die penniless " Bishop chuckled to himself as he looked at Ron with pity " Well unlike you buddy i got my cash stored away for a rainy day , maybe I 'll save it till i get home and get back to America a rich man … or … maybe I 'll slip away into Paris one weekend and have a good time , get myself a sweet - looking French girl , some decent food and a hellavu lotta booze . Yeah that sounds good " Ron gave Bishop a puppy dog expression and continued to his bunk . A foghorn echoed through the decks as Ron lay on his bunk in a daydream ' I 'll be home soon ' he kept thinking . As men cramped out the bunks , floors and anywhere else that could be used for a bed Ron closed his eyes . The afternoon had bought a welcome sight to the men aboard the convoy , clear skies and a bright sun hanged overhead as the SS Sanmaria crawled into port . The men had gathered up on the deck eagerly to await the order to leave the putrid ship . As Ron stood anxiously waiting , shoulder to shoulder with his fellow GI 's , the body of Captain Swanson stood tall among the men , after a moment to silence the troops he began his talk " Men … we have finally arrived in England , i expect you to show the utmost respect for the folks during our stay here , they 've had Germanys foot up their arses for the past two years . The folks will be wary of us but i expect you to be polite , sit in the local bars and drink quietly … . and please … save your hell - raising for London or Swindon . Among you will be soldiers from continents all over the world , you will be among Poles , Indians , Australians , French and many more , they are here for the same reasons as us . . to win the war and get home to our loved ones . Remember that ! ! One more thing … any disorderly conduct will be punishable by the severity of the offense . Now will we move from here to a camp you will call home just outside of Portsmouth … thats were we are now , for those of you that flunked out of geography in school . So grab your gear and lets move out " As the men piled onto trucks and began rolling through the streets towards the camp Ron couldn 't help but feel the apprehension from the civilians on the streets , he turned to Bishop " These folks don 't really seem to want us here , i was at least expecting the red carpet " laughter roared through the truck . By nighttime the trucks had been driving through the countryside for over 2 hours and had finally stopped before a mass of tents , vehicles and equipment , the sheer volume of numbers was more that experienced back at Camp Houston . After an orientation of the camp to show the vital necessities Ron strolled through the camp away from his tent and towards the movie theater . After a few exchanges of words with the men of his platoon Ron found Bishop in conversation with a man in German uniform , " Hey Bishop … whos your friend ? ? " a moment of silence passed as the stranger looked at Ron " A ' rite guv ' nor , how ya like me Jerry clobber ? ? only doing it so you guys can get you 're mince pies used to what the enemy looks like " Ron stood confused and just answered " Yes " to avoid any embarrassment between the 3 of the men . " Hey I 'm just off to catch the movie , you guys coming ? " Ron zipped his jacket as the wind began to blow through the camp , " No thanks buddy , I 'm heading of to my pit , I 'm beefed . Oh thats bed and tired in your lingo my good English chum " The moon began to shine as the men parted ways . Morning came with the unwelcome order to pack kit for two days exercise which would be starting that afternoon , the sun shone in the sky and the birds tweeted all around the woods that covered the perimeter of the camp . As the afternoon drew closer , Ron stood among the men waiting for the orders of the exercise . A map was placed in front of a jeep showing a photograph of a village surround by woods . From the bonnet of the jeep Captain Swanson stood and addressed the men " We are tasked with the reconnaissance and capture of this village 10 kilometers to the north , your mission is to firstly locate dig in among the edge of the woods here , i want scattered foxholes with full fields of fire . The second part of the mission is to locate enemy positions and any anti - armour emplacements and report back to the CP , after a 24 hour recce to determine enemy strength we will head into the village and kill or take prisoner the enemy . The missions is vital as the roads in and out of the village head toward the city and ports which will give the enemy a new landing stage to launch an attack on U . S soil . We cannot fail " Ron and his fellow soldiers moved out as one into the country . With the rise of the sun , the woods surrounding the village came alive with the roars of the men as they charged downhill from their position , rifles in hand toward the village before them . As they neared the village shots rang out from every direction as the ' enemy ' soldiers appeared in the windows and lay down fire on the men . Ron reached the edge of the village with three men in tow , opposite their position Captain Swanson and his group turned a corner and proceeded one by one to clear the houses on the right side of the lane , grenades were put through the windows and immediately following the explosions the doors were kicked in and men streamed inside firing their weapons and hollering with a menacing roar of warriors , Ron watched , amazed at the sight and then threw himself and the men following into action . As the came upto the first house Ron signaled the second man in his group to put a grenade into the window , he stood at the door waiting for the explosion , as that happened Ron and another man in his group kicked the door straight of its hinges and rushed the first room they came into , rifles in their shoulders scanning the room for signs of the enemy soldiers . Suddenly in the doorway ahead a man appeared , although Ron knew it was only an exercise and the bullets and grenades were for training purposes only he went into action like his life depended on it . Shots rang out and the man in the door fell to the floor and played dead . As Ron left two men to secure the upper floor of the house he exited the first position and carried on to the next house . Two hours had passed since the attack began , the positions were taken , adrenaline pumped through the veins of the men and conversations regarding the attack began , surreal as it was the men all had the same thought ' soon we wont be firing blanks ' . It was now the beginning of April 1944 , over the past year the training had intensified , the marches were longer , the exercises had lasted from days to weeks , many of the men noted that the food had rapidly improved , steak and dumplings had become a weekly treat , also the quantity of ice - cream had improved and became available 7 days a week . Many of the men took this as a sign that things were ready to start soon . As Ron sat to eat his ice - cream he thanked god that he had survived to this points , many incidents had happened over the year that shook Ron to the core , the worst experience for Ron was on a landing exercise at Slapton Sands when German U - Boats had come in and fired upon the convoy as the men prepared to move out , Ron sat reflecting on this and remembered the men who didn 't make it . He was one of the lucky ones to be plucked from the sea , it would be a moment he could never forget . Over the previous year a rumor had circulated among the men , Ron remembered the moment cheered with joy as he was given the order that he would be taking part in Operation Overlord : The Invasion Of Europe . It was a chilly morning in Oct 1943 , the air was cold and the grass was covered with dew , Ron and hundreds of other GI 's shuddered as they sat in a tent looking up at maps , photographs , sand tables and other models featuring towns and villages . Ron turned to a GI " Hey buddy , you got any idea what all this is for ? i don 't recognize the areas . " As the GI turned to Ron the tent door opened up and in walked Captain Swanson who proceeded to a stand in front of the men , " You are here today because for the past 2 years you have been training for one moment in your life … . the Allied command had been preparing this mission a good while now ! ! Careful selection , preparation , confidentiality and training have ensured that we can suprise the enemy and gain a foothold with which we will push the enemy back …… men … . in 8 months we will be leaving here and moving out to transport ships in Portsmouth ready to take part in the most awesome invasion in the history of man . I respect each and every man sat in front of me , I will shake each of your hands as you leave here and it will be shaking your hands as we set of from the transport ships to head into battle , now we have all heard of Hitlers Atlantic Wall … well men … were gonna be the guys that bring it down and shove it so far up the arse of the Third Reich that they 'll be coughing dust for the rest of their days . Men prepare to move out … . to Europe … . TOO VICTORY " . On hearing those words a resounding yell came from the men as they threw their fists into the air . I know it has been a while since i last wrote , i hope your okay and keeping strong . Me and your father are okay , just worried a little . I cant wait for you to return home . I know this letter is short but i will write to fill you in on the happenings at home . Be safe and write when you can . Ron got a lump in his throat and a tear in his eye . It had been over 2 months since he received a letter and each time it made him feel homesick . He lay back on his kit and the transports pulled anchor and headed off to take Ron and thousands of other young men to war . The fighting upon the hill had moved inland but shouts of German and American voices were still within hearing as Bishop carried Ron on a stretcher to a first aid position on the beach , as they moved downhill a series of fierce explosions rocked the cliffside , the guns of the armada spread over the ocean opened up once more . Bishop and Ron were showered with debris as a shell hit a German casemate directly above them . Suddenly a lone plane in the air had appeared and opened up with its machine guns , the medic carrying the front of the stretcher was hit and killed instantly and as Ron fell to the ground a round slammed into his back , he screamed with agony . " I gotcha Ron hold on " shouted Bishop as he grabbed Rons collar and dragged him to the cover at the bottom of the cliff . Another medic looked at Ron and stopped what he was doing , he checked Ron over , the round had gone through his kidney and traveled up through his lung and out of his chest . As the medic worked Bishop asked another question " Hey Ron , how do you like the sea , should we go sailing when we get back " the morphine had calmed Ron as he listened intently to the ocean waves . The sea was rough and the skies were grey , waves washed over the ships and craft scattered throughout the sea . It was the evening of 5th of June 1944 . The moment that Ron had trained for over the past 2 years was beginning . As he slumped against the side of the transport craft he pulled a letter from his combat jacket , as he looked at the words his thoughts began racing ' what if i mess up … god … what if i die ' . He turned to Bishop " Listen to me closely , i want too make sure that we both come out of this alive . When we hit the beach you stay on my ass , there is only one person on this craft i trust , and thats you . " Bishop nodded his head in approval . " Hey Ron , just think that in 15 years maybe even sooner we could be going back to France , obviously no - one will be trying to kill us . We can have a beer on the beach and talk about the day we helped to save the world " . Both men smiled , that vision seem distant but alive . As the boats glided over the sea , men looked out into the horizon , they were all in their own little world . As men stood around the deck , Ron caught sight of Captain Swanson , " Hey Captain … I 've never asked you … . . what did you do before the war ? ? I mean do you have a wife , kids ? ? " Captain Swanson looked down at Ron and Bishop " Believe it or not Abernathy … i was a lawyer … i used to work in Chicago , as you can probably guess from the gangster movies you guys have seen … its a pretty rough place to live at times , i can tell you something though i would never trade it for the world . I was brought up there as one of five children . Its also where i met the most adorable lady you could imagine . I was the guy who would stop at nothing till she became my wife … you probably wouldn 't have me down as the type of guy to spend hundreds of dollars on roses and serenade her with beautiful love songs , but believe me i did it all . She 's carrying my first born … . . a son … theres not a day that goes by where i don 't think about them . I promised her I 'd brush my teeth and comb my hair each day … . i also promised her that no matter what i will get back to her , i couldn 't bear to think of my son growing up without a father . I want to play softball with him and tell him stories about these times . " Captain Swanson ended his talk and for the first time in two years Ron and Bishop noticed a tear run down his face , " so what about you guys … . whats waiting for you when you return home ? ? " Bishop began " Well , unlike you Captain i don 't have anything to really look forward too , i mean i ain 't got a girl waiting for me … at most the only thing i could have the chance of spending time with would be the family that is waiting for me . I do know what i want to do with my life though . I 'm going to college when i get back to the states , study medicine and become a doctor . " Captain Swanson interrupted " Sorry but I 'm just wondering why you wanted to be a rifleman and not a medic , You know , wanting to be a doctor an all ? ? " . The conversation shifted back to Bishop " Well i joined the infantry as a rifleman because i wanted to make the most out of my time , i didn 't asked to be here . . just like you and Ron didn 't ask to be here . I never backed away from a fight in my life and even though we have traveled half way around the world i still hold that opinion , i guess i always will . Me and Ron have always had the same value … we grew up together and from the first day of school we have always watched each others back . I suppose what I 'm trying to say is if someone is inviting me for a fight of this magnitude I 'd rather go in with a rifle than a first aid kit . " Captain Swanson went into his jacket and pulled out a cigarette , as he sat with Ron and Bishop he felt a great admiration for them , the bond that existed between the two men was unbreakable . The waves were now rising about the side of the craft , the wind howled and the rain started to pour . As the three men huddled under their rain coats for cover Ron began talking about his life waiting for him , " I want to go into construction , i always remember as a small boy looking up at a skyscraper as it was being built , i used to catch glimpses of the men walking along the steelwork , dangling their feet over the side . It amazes me how skillfully those things are built up , the reality being that in a hundred years well after i have passed a thing that i have contributed into building will still dominate the sky . It will be my little mark on a huge world . I hope to be married and have a house full of little Abernathys running around my ankles . I want to see my kids grow up and still be around to become a grandparent . Sitting there by the fire , telling them stories about now , drinking my scotch and smoking a pipe . The way it should be " The men laughed at the remark but it all seemed possible . Night had fallen , the air had calmed and the wind had softened , overhead and all around was silent , suddenly in the distance came a peculiar noise . Overhead was hundreds of silhouettes of planes , " look its the paratroopers " the sea erupted into shouts and screams from the men waiting to attack the beach " GO GET EM BOYS " . As the mood settled Ron slouched back down and closed his eyes in a feeble attempt to sleep . The sky had started to brighten with light as the ship stopped in the ocean , as the wind blew another noise could be heard traveling through the air . Captain Swanson looked at his watch " Its just after 5am , when you hit the beach you 'll think you 're in hell , men will be hit and some will be killed , its a horrible price to pay but thats war . The most important thing you can do is keep moving forward , stay low and stay in cover . I wont lie to you … its a horrible memory that will stick with you for the rest of your lives . Listen to my advice and you 'll get through this , we will get through this " . As Ron stood waiting to climb the net after Captain Swanson had finished his talk he heard a soldier say a prayer asking god to watch over him and give him the strength to live through the next day . Ron lay on the beach , pain ran through his body as the morphine started to lose its effect , the medic had patched him up best he could but he still felt hopeless , " Listen buddy , he ain 't gonna last long now , his liver was ruptured and he 's bleeding internally , I 'm surprised he 's lasted to be honest with you " . Bishop looked at the medic and then at Ron , he took of his helmet and threw it on the sand in anger . " Listen to me Ron , you 're gonna be fine . Just think of your skyscraper and your grandchildren . It cant be too long now , the boats should be coming back in soon . We 'll get you out of here " Bishop choked back the tears as Ron started to speak " I lost you … . when we hit the beach everything went to hell " … . It was the morning of June 6th 1944 . In the English Channel heading towards France , Ron stood side by side with 28 other men as their small craft headed towards their objective . " 1 minute till disembarkment " the coxswain called from the rear of the boat , waves rose over the side , splashing the men and causing some of the already unstable soldiers to vomit over the sides . At the front of the craft Captain Swanson gave his orders to the men " When we hit the beach , don 't stop , you need to get your asses up there and take those positions . Any wounded men will be left for medics , just concentrate on getting up there . Save your ammo unless you can guarantee that your target will fall " . " Get ready " the coxswain called as he released the ramp , at that moment machine gun fire erupted from up over the beach , the men at the front of the crafts fell as machine gun rounds slammed into their bodies " Get over the side " Captain Swanson called as he jumped into the murky depths . Ron followed suit , the ice cold water stunned his body , as the weight of his equipment pulled him further down Ron looked at the other bodies in the sea , red mist popped out as the unlucky men were hit by arcing bullets as they descended gracefully to the bottom of the channel . " Abernathy " a voice called out , as Ron scanned the area he saw Captain Swanson crouching behind an obstacle , around the Captain were dead and dying men , red mist popped out of the corpses as stray rounds impacted into their bodies , " Move up the beach … get too the seawall " the Captain shouted . Ron began moving forward with others , the distance seemed too great to cover in this hell , beyond the obstacles lay flat open beach , no evident cover around " God damn those Navy guys , they can 't shoot for shit . " A soldier called out as Ron took cover behind the body of a fellow soldier to quickly catch his breath , he looked up over the beach , he saw too his amazement two concrete bunkers that seemed to dominate the hill , around that he caught sight of muzzle flashes as rifles and machine guns fire onto the men below , it seemed to Ron that they were the game in a mass turkey shoot . Ron and a group of men reached the seawall and looked onto the beach , the mass bodies shocked their nerves , as men raced up for the cover of the seawall in their droves the unlucky few stepped onto mines , their bodies rose up high into the air , sand and body parts rained down onto the cowering men below , Ron felt a thud on his helmet and onto his lap dropped a hand , the man next to Ron screamed in horror , he stood to his feet and jumped the wire on the seawall . As the man reached the opposite side he was shot through the head by a single bullet , as his body fell to the ground he landed on a mine . The explosion rocked the ground under Ron and the others . Captain Swanson meanwhile had found his way to Ron " Good man Abernathy , I 'm glad you made it , this is hell , we need to get off this beach before we get pinned down completely . Everyone listen to me , we need to get some more weapons and ammunition , grab them off the beach " Cautious men raced to the nearest corpse and relieved the unlucky soldier of his rifle , machine gun or anything else that could be used . Ron raced to a wounded soldier , the man was screaming with agony , his stomach hanging out over his side . Ron grabbed the man and attempted to drag him to the relative safety of the seawall . As they made the journey the man kicked out and an explosion knocked both men down , a mine had gone off and the men had lost the lower half of his body , Ron lost the color in his face as he looked on with fright . He dived the last few feet and buried his head into the seawall . " Get some bangalores … bangalores up the line " men called out , the tubes were pushed under the wire of the seawall , " Fire in the hole " as the order was called the men braced themselves , the explosions threw sand and wire high into the air . The men clambered to their feet and climbed over the wall , desperate to find more cover up the hill . Ron and the men raced to the top of the hill and found themselves retreating soldiers , the men dropped to their knees and aimed their weapons , it was just like target practice , the GI 's fired and the men in front dropped to the ground . " Get some cover " Ron called , he saw a burned out truck a few feet to his right and dashed towards it , as he took up his cover he saw a boot stick out from underneath " Get out … get out now " Ron barked as he grabbed a boot and pulled , he was left staring at the face of a blonde German boy , " Get outta here " Ron screamed , the boy got too his feet and began to run from the battle As he watched , Ron saw with horror as GI 's coming up the hill spotted the fleeing German and opened up with a volley of fire , the boy fell to the ground dead . " Abernathy , come on , we need to take that position " Captain Swanson called , he had found his way to the top of the hill and had the same thought as Ron , the truck was survival . He was pointing towards a concrete emplacement over the field , the men crouched and began moving forward . As the reached the entrance of the bunker Captain Swanson threw in a grenade , the explosion echoed all round , as the men entered the position they saw dead Germans all over , the bodies were twisted and smoke from hot shrapnel rose from the burning bodies . They continued forward and stood at the front of the emplacement overlooking the beach " Goddamn this is hell , those boys down there didn 't stand a chance , Jesus most of them weren 't even old enough to smoke " Captain Swanson remarked . " You got that right " Ron replied as they left the safe haven and went back into the battle . " Captain … Ron " a voice called out , the men looked and saw Bishop looking over a crater , they ran towards him , men all around raced in every direction , the adrenaline flowed through the soldiers veins as they pushed the fight further inland , screams of American and German could be heard as shot rang out . The men dived into the crater along side Bishop , " God am i glad too see you guys , i cant find anyone else from the platoon Captain " . The men peered over the crater , up in front a squad of soldiers were making their way forward when out of nowhere a machine gun opened fire upon them , the men raced for their lives in a feeble attempt to outsmart the firing defenders . They fell like harvest being hit by a scythe . " We 've got too get that machine gun , we don 't stand a chance till its out " Captain Swanson called , he fired his weapon but it seemed the bullets just bounced back of the gun , " We need to get a grenade on it , cover me " . Captain Swanson got too his feet and raced forward , bullets kicked up dirt around him , Ron and Bishop looked on in awe as the Captain reached the gun and threw a grenade , the explosion knocked the position out . Captain Swanson turned and smiled as he waved the men to come forward . Suddenly his expression changed , Captain Swanson fell to his knees , he had been hit by rifle fire , as he struggled forward on his knees Ron had rushed toward him . " Captain . . don 't worry you 're gonna be fine " Ron saw bullet holes poke through the combat jacket . He picked the limp Captain Swanson up and placed him on his shoulders . " Come on " Bishop called , over the din of the battle he heard what sounded like a freight train in the air , suddenly out of nowhere explosions rocked the ground as mounds of air flew up high . He looked on in horror as Ron and Captain Swanson disappeared in a cloud of dust . Ron and Bishop were now back on a craft heading towards the large ships in the distance . " I couldn 't do anything , i just looked on helpless " Bishop confessed to his wounded friend . " I thought you were a goner , i saw you carrying the captain and then you disappeared " . Ron looked up at his friend and gripped his hand , his wounds had been patched up the best they could by the medics on the beach , they put him out first in an attempt to save him , he had lost a lot of blood and had been wounded numerous times . As they reached the ship deck , dead and wounded littered the ground , moans came from all around as medics fought valiantly to save each person . " Don 't worry guys were getting you back to England " a voice called out as it steamed back over the channel to friendly shores . Ron and Bishop were leaving the battle and the horrors behind them . " I 'll be fine in a few days " Ron remarked . More than 50 years had passed since the men landed on the beaches of Normandy , the Allies had won the won by the next year , and the Nazi regime had been crushed in Berlin . Back in Brooklyn life had settled back to normal , inventions had marveled the world as televisions and other items had been created . Not many people knew how the generations before them had laid down their lives for their country . As the sun shone high in the air and birds flew overhead a man walked through the rows of headstones in the cemetery , one hand holding an infant and flowers grasped in the other . " Here we are Mike " the gentleman declared , they stopped before a white cross , " Who is he grandpa " the little boy called out . They looked at each other , a tear ran down the cheek of the man " Well this man is my friend , i grew up with him and i met him when i was about your age Mike … his name was Ron " They stared at the cross for a moment and then the man knelt on the ground , he placed the flowers on the headstone and pulled a medal from his pocket " I got this while fighting in Holland , you deserve this more than me . You were a true hero . I 'll never forget what i saw that day upon the beach . You were so selfless , you tried to save the Captain while i looked on . I still feel guilty to this very day " . The man choked back on his tears . " I brought my grandson along with me today , I 've told him the stories about what i did through the war but i brought him here so he could meet a real hero . I hope i did you guys proud . As soon as i returned i visited your parents and told them what had happened and how their son had died a hero , i also went to Chicago and told Captain Swansons wife what had happened . She is ever grateful to you for attempting to save his life , her little boy is grown up now and would you believe it , he followed in his fathers footsteps , Swanson would be proud . I 've never been able to go back there , the screams , there god awful and i can hear them in the night . The gunfire , the explosions , our men lying on the ground . It overwhelms me " After standing at the cross the man took the little boy back home , he had spoken at some length about the war but could never fully explain the horrors that he had seen on the beaches of Normandy . He had returned home from the war a changed man . His dreams hadn 't been fulfilled instead he worked towards putting an end to war , he believed no man should ever go through the horrors of 50 years ago . The gentleman had married and had produced a fine family and was gifted with grandchildren , he had never hurt anyone since returning from Europe , the war had a profound effect on him . As the light turned to dark the man had finished his meal and gone to his bedroom , he knelt before his bed and thanked god for letting him survive the war , the man clambered into bed and gave his wife a kiss on the cheek , he closed his eyes . His heart felt content and the guilt lifted from his body . Bishop died a proud man .
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Chickpea has been part of our family since Iris opened a wrapped box with holes in it on Christmas Day and found two rabbits inside . Chickpea was a neutered female , and she and Iggy Hop mostly got on very well , with occasional spats . I suspect they fought because it just is hard to keep on getting on with the members of your household , and because as Chickpea got bigger she thought that perhaps it wastime she was the dominant bunny , but Iggy was happier with the status quo . Chickpea was incredibly soft of fur and a beautiful golden fawn , but fierce . She didn 't like being picked up and she would grunt to remind anyone who tried , but she liked us to feed her treats out of our hands . She climbed the hedge to eat the lemon tree , she snatched food from Iggy and ran off with it , and she taught me a lot about rabbits . Having two rabbits has meant that we are able to see differences between them : Chickpea was a foodie , she liked to try new tastes and passionately ate her favourite things first . She died suddenly . Yesterday at breakfast she was balancing on her hind legs , eating treats and pawing at Sean 's dressing gown . Sometime in the middle of the morning she was in one of her ordinary spots under the hedge . After lunch she didn 't come hopping to greet me andask for treats when I came out the door , I found her hunched in her hutch . Her nose woffle was slow , so I opened the hutch roof and got her out . I knew something was wrong when she didn 't object . Hazel , Iris , and I checked her all over for injuries and we didn 't find any , her tummy was soft , but she was obviously sick because she really didn 't seem to mind , no freaked staring or anything . The vet had an appointment for 4 : 20 . I put her in the bedroom of the hutch and closedthe door for quarantine . Iggy hopped about the garden . At about 2 : 20 I was about to take Hazel to Circus School so I went to see how Chickpea was , she was lying on her side , as if happy , comfortable and at ease but she was utterly still . I picked her up and she was still warm so I listened to her cheposted by Susan Harper at 11 : 48 PM 2 Comments I 've not written because I 've been enjoying the summer holidays . Hanging out with Hazel and Iris , Moab and Iris 's rabbits Chickpea and Iggy Hop . It 's been lovely , better get back to it as they 'll be at school again in a week . Labels : animals , Hazel , Iris We had got out the door ( ! ) and were about to walk down to the local cafe for brunch . Hazel spied the garage and suddenly wanted to scoot her scooter instead of walking . She needed to go back for scooting shoes , I was hungry , gave her the key and suggested she go and get the right shoes on and catch us up . Hazel wanted an adult to come with her to help find and put on the shoes , Sean went with her so to do . I suggested to Iris that we start walking , she was unwilling . I explained that they would catch us up , because they would be fast . Iris pointed out a rose with sunset coloured petals . We looked at the rose . Iris pointed out a soldier fly with black patches on its wings , we looked at the soldier fly . Iris asked why the leaves of our sycamore are much paler green than the leaves of the oak , I thought aloud about possible answers . Iris gazed thoughtfully at the sycamore and the oak . Iris heard movement at the house and informed me that they were coming , and we could wait for them . We waited . Hazel got her scooter and scooted off , zooming past us . " Iris , Hazel is very fast on her scooter , that 's why I wanted to start walking and said they would catch us up . " " Me wongked Hazel go firsk ; me evil denius . " Labels : Hazel , Iris , laughter Iris says she uses her bottom teeth as a first class lever , I 'm trying to remember if she 's right . . . . Later . . . She was opening a tooth - paste tube lid by putting the flip - top on one side of her teeth and the tube on the other side , then she lifted the end of the tube . She used the tube as the lever and her bottom teeth as the fulcrum , but I 'm not sure if it was a first or second class lever ? I blame too much telly . Labels : Iris Back in the day , if Hazel put her lovely soft child cheek beside Iris 's , Iris would root around on it for a nipple . Hazel used to love these " funny baby kisses " . I 'm thinking of this because my inbox seems to have another baby sister or baby brother announcement every time I look at it , each one reminds me of the day that Sean went through to Hazel 's bedroom and said " The baby came out of Mum 's tummy last night , you 're a big sister now . " When Iris was born Hazel was very keen on her , but , you know , newborns are extraordinarily frustrating people to love . Getting positive feedback out of a newborn is a matter of hope and kind interpretation on the part of loving and experienced adults ; people who are new at trying to understand babies often find newborns completely opaque . Newborns are used to a comfortable , friendly but impersonal environment , not unlike a private spa pool at a resort famous for its unobtrusive but efficient service . Newborns tell you something 's wrong , but they don 't know to tell that you 've got it right . Newborns do love to breastfeed but not everyone has the superpower of making their milk , and their tummies are often a bit dicky . Newborns aren 't as tolerant as a doll or as grateful as a cat , they can 't even hold onto their presents . Hazel cared desperately and wanted to know that Iris loved her back or even noticed her , and the only feedback Hazel had found out how to get reliably was negative , I was feeling a bit panicky about their relationship spiralling down for the 6 or 8 weeks before Iris learnt to smile when a friend , who 'd had had 5 of her 6 babies by the time I 'd had 2 , told me about the funny baby kisses . Labels : advice , Hazel , Iris , the human condition The other day Iris and her cousin H had a completely incommensurable difference . H wanted 5 more pick up sticks and 4 marbles . Iris wanted all the pick up sticks . I talked , listened , and eventually Iris went off to do something else . While I was doing such a delicate thing I was totally engrossed in the moment , and H and Iris , and so when I 'd finally got to the end I looked up to see what was going on with my adult guests and I discovered I 'd had an audience . They had interestingly varied expressions . Shannon 's looked like professional respect , Traveler 's like a tourist watching a police negotiator ( a little mind - blown but interested ) , and Sean and D both seemed to be feeling profound relief that it wasn 't themselves in the hot seat that time . Labels : Iris Iris is crying bitterly in the bath , neither Hazel nor I can staunch the tears . Suddenly her attention is caught by a Disney figurine of a seagull , " Seagulls don 't normally have webbed feet . " " Don 't they ? " I ask , wondering again whether being constantly corrected or discovering that you 've been patronised for years is worse , " we could look at the beach , " she brightens further , " I hope there 's a dead one " , Hazel enthuses , " to look at really closely . " Iris is completely cheered by the thought . Labels : animals , Hazel , Iris " Look Mummy , I am wrapped in the toilet paper ! " Iris laughs , invisible except for her muscular little legs . " Oh . Iris . " I say , tiredly , humourlessly , but fondly . Slightly disappointed she returns to the loo to unwind . I 'm sorry . I wish I hadn 't suppressed the laughter . I wish I 'd let it rip . She 'd laugh if I wrapped myself up and capered half naked for her . Perhaps it 's the connection with the only place in my life with a lock on the door . The children use the toilet paper for things other than its intended purpose . It 's not wasting , it 's using ; they are exploring ideas with it . It 's a cheap resource , usually it is not even rendered useless , merely less pristine . We have more , they use it clean so it 's not a health risk . But sometimes I get disproportionately distressed by it anyway . I try to guess when it might matter and just put the toilet paper up high so that we won 't come into conflict un - necessarily . And that 's why I didn 't laugh ; I was amused this time , but I didn 't want to reinforce playing with toilet paper only to become a shrieking ogre about it some other time . I told her aunt . " Is she Mummy 's mummy then ? " she asks . I 'm still groaning on the inside . Labels : fine thanks , Iris , laughter , sorry Mary , carrying her own baby and shepherding her own almost - not - a - preschooler anymore took a rotten branch taller than she is a . k . a . The Most Inconvenient Transitional Object Yet out through the crowded zoo foyer for Iris . It 's still in the car ( although I shortened it a little so it fits in the boot ) . I start to get it out and each time Iris becomes anxious and pleas " not quite yet " . One of the features of life with Iris since Hazel has been going to school is that she usually likes to take something from the place she is leaving with her to the place she is going . She needs to borrow something from Playcentre at the end of the session in order to leave happily . She often asks people if she can have something to eat as she 's leaving and carries it with her as she goes . She surreptitiously picks up litter , leaves , gravel , and carpet fluff to hold in her hand until she 's settled into the journey . She took a toy meerkat she 'd borrowed from her cousins when she was visiting them to the zoo . Typically a Transitional Object is something like White Bear , with whom Hazel has slept almost every night that she hasn 't slept with us . Iris doesn 't have one beloved object that she sleeps with , she likes variety ; at the moment the thing she wants to have in her bed as she drops off to sleep is me , " Lie down and stop typing or I will never get to sleep ! " I don 't suppose I count as a transitional object in the original sense as they 're some kind of substitute for the mother , but she 's certainly using me to make a transition less of a change , and I think that 's what the other things are about too . Labels : fine thanks , Iris They love each other . They hit each other of course , they 're sisters and they 're only 3 and 5 , but it 's usually preceded by something the other could have responded to that was verbal , or at least vocal , and it 's definitely an expression of passing frustration rather than lasting enmity . They spent their days together for all of Iris 's life . Hazel went to school and now they are separated for over 6 hours of every week day . Hazel did some emotional processing and seems pretty settled by now . Iris seemed more all right at first , but she never coped well with drop - offs and pick - ups and has become very stressed . She has been night - wetting for the first time since she was 20 months old . Her first response to every suggestion of a change in activity from anybody is negative . She is having to take more and more awkward transitional objects everywhere . She 's edgy , demanding and sad . All she suggests doing in Hazel 's absence is watching DVDs . We went to the pool with school and she wanted to be left in the classroom . I took her away . She was heart - broken anew and has re - interpreted events to suggest that if she had been able to fold her clothes like a school girl she would have been allowed to join Hazel at school . Iris has not wanted to go to Hazel 's ballet recently , she used to demand to watch it . Last week Sean was home sick and so I left Iris in front of a DVD and took Hazel . Today I asked my father to come over so I could take just Hazel . Hazel said she didn 't want to do ballet anymore because Iris doesn 't like it and she wants to spend more time with Iris . I explained we 've paid for the term and she herself would have to tell her teachers that she was leaving and why and hug them goodbye . Hazel spent the lesson , curled foetally , thumb in mouth , watching the other children dance . But Lois McMaster Bujold says to lower the wall , not increase the pressure . I 'm trying to help my children through this separation and change . I 'm trying to remove unnecessary transitions from Iris 's life , I 'm trying to empower Hazel to walk toposted by Susan Harper at 11 : 34 PM 4 Comments She dived down and swam through the water , she came up , face alight with pride . After her swimming lesson she swam right to Hazel , doggy paddle , a stroke that probably has a romantic fascination for this small dog lover . Yes ! One more risk of death diminished , one more source of health and happiness given ! Labels : Iris Wish my rodent was imaginary ; I had a tug of rat with Moab , the rat 's tail - skin stripped off , the shiny naked tail bled on the carpet as the rat tried to flee from us . I took the rat outside and convinced Iris it wouldn 't make a good pet now , not with its tail smarting and its internal injuries slowly killing it . I explained we had a choice , it could die slowly or I could kill it fast . We decided I should kill it . I picked it up by its poor naked tail and swung its head hard and fast onto the concrete step to snap its spine . As it quietly died Iris called it a cutie and admired its perfect little pink feet . Labels : animals , fine thanks , Iris My lovely physiotherapist said I wasn 't getting better enough and referred me to a podiatrist so that if I was doing something in such a way that I kept re - injuring myself he could help me fix it . I am and he is . I 've been running wrong , of course I 've never been taught and I don 't do it in order to annoy anyone , frivol ACC funds or even to make my team lose because our women are slower than the other teams ' women , but it 's still wrong both injurious and inefficient . So I have work to do , it starts with exercises . I 'm supposed to run while I do some of them . It transpires I can 't think about my exercises in the game , I 'm too busy thinking about the game . I also break into sheer stage - frighty panic at the very thought of doing them anywhere public . So I 'm trying to fool myself into doing them around the barriers of my sports - phobia and my tendency to avoid effort in situations that may lead to failure . I throw the disc to the other end of my lawn , I quickly look around to check no - one 's watching , I run , slowly and awkwardly , thinking of all the instructions I 'm trying to follow , to the disc , I pick it up furtively glancing around to see if anyone 's started watching , I throw the disc to the other end of my lawn , I glower around to check no - one dared watch , I run , fuming at my incompetence in following this kind of instructions , to the disc , I pick it up and pull it viciously into the bushes at the other end of the lawn . . . after I while I get sick of myself and jump to the disc , trying to use my bottom as if it had muscles in it , Iris jumps with me , she gets to the disc first , grabs it and runs away from me laughing ; effortlessly and visibly using her beautiful glutes . I swear , " Bum ! " She falls to the ground giggling . We start again . Labels : fine thanks , Iris , sorry , sweat The day Hazel started school the skies were scorching clear . Iris and I went to a cafe with friends and lunched on fruit and carrots in the bush listening to the birds . Iris ran to the toilet and got there with bone dry undies , danced to every car stereo we overheard , took off all her clothes to play in a sprinkler and we agreed we 'd had a day of delights . All day I felt Hazel 's absence as an emptiness in my stomach like a new love . Hazel walked out of school a three - metre tall born - again pupil with a new book bag , she told me it was the first day of homework and read her homework book to me in the playground , and to Iris at home , and to Iris and me at home , and she got Iris to read it to me too . She then told me " Ella was kind to me , " and asked " can I start my homework ? How do you do homework ? " As she had already read the book I told her she could copy the words out of the book if she wanted to do extra homework . She copied out the title and first sentence , and drew around the book ( " not on the book ! " she explained hotly ) " to see what shape it is . " She was a little disappointed to hear that although the teacher had given her the book it was not hers to keep , but vastly cheered to hear the school has a whole library . She tells me she played with Ella , Nyah , Zoe , Tara and Maria , but not the other Ella who lives next door . That she took the principal 3 of the 4 pictures she did today because when she was visiting he 'd said that sometimes people bring him things they are very proud of and it 's the best part of his day . I 'm as threadbare as a thousand year old rug and I haven 't even done the washing so Hazel has no clean knickers to wear tomorrow to the school picnic I found out about today ( Iris and I are invited too ) . Labels : fine thanks , Hazel , Iris Iris gave up nappies at 20 months . But she never got into the keeping one pair of undies dry all day mindset . Now she has dog and fairy stickers and a place to stick them which she can see from the toilet her undies have been " bone dry " for 24 hours . Hazel had sticker rewards a long time ago for " being a good big sister " ( not making the baby cry ) . Knowing Iris was getting them for toileting , Hazel wanted a reprise . She 's been giving up toys to Iris willingly and asking for her input into choices . It 's amazing the motivational power that putting a sticker on a piece of paper has . Perhaps I should get one too . I could put a sticker on the chart every time I do something the way I want my children to learn to do it , for getting down to their level and interacting with them , for cleaning up messes , tidying things , keeping my cool , admin stuff , and doing my foot and bottom exercises . Labels : Hazel , house - slatterns , Iris Iris , to Han Solo : " Why do you let the space monkey drive ? ! " Six - year old Star Wars geeks to Iris : " He is not a space monkey " , " His people are wookies " , " His name is Chewbacca . " Iris , at her cute three - year old best , smiles at the Star Wars geeks , they look pleased to have educated such a nice little girl and everyone settles down . Chewbacca reappears . " Look ! Space monkey ! " Iris exclaims to the Star Wars geeks . They go nuts . Iris smiles again . Labels : Iris , laughter Hazel wants to go to Tumble Tots very much ( and whatever I think of their modeling , the kids ' sheer enthusiasm for the programme won out in the end ) . So she started getting dressed early , which is good because while Hazel needs to get dressed before she can go to Tumble Tots , Hazel wants to get dressed in private . Hazel decides in order for her room to be private it needs a sign on the door . Hazel is not yet five , she writes very very slowly , after an hour 's work the sign says " CEpOtDAng " which means " Keep Out , Danger " it is a huge achievement and she has to celebrate her new sign before she gets dressed ( in the public playroom ) . Iris also wants to go to Tumble Tots very much , she also needs to be dressed before we can go to Tumble Tots , unfortunately , just after she manages to become willing to take off the beautiful nightie that Anne made her that says " Sleep well Iris " and has a kiss in the pocket , she finds the bag of fabric scraps I was given yesterday and gets the urge to design clothes made out of them that would be perfect for Tumble Tots . I do not have time to sew her new clothes before Tumble Tots . Susan would prefer the children go to Tumble Tots than to pass the day with grumpy children who missed out . In order to go to Tumble Tots her children need to be dressed . She could spend her time putting the fabric scraps away again , stuffing her children into clothes suitable for Tumble Tots and writing Hazel 's sign , or in a consultancy role : talking them through making their own choices and surfing the web . Oh well , so much for time management skills , I guess it 's time to start modeling working well under time - pressure . Want more ? See Wikipedia on priority inversion . Labels : Hazel , Iris , laughter , sweat Hazel 's been coughing at night during the weekend , and last night she complained about her ear hurting , Iris had lots of nightmares last night and was hot to the touch . I took them to the doctor this morning . Turns out Hazel 's been much more valiant in her wonderful bee performances than I realised , she has quite a rattly chest but the show went on anyway . Iris also has a chest , and some other part of her body ( not ears , maybe tonsils , I 'm a bit short on sleep and can 't remember ) , she 's quite floppy today . This is what DVDs were invented for . Labels : Hazel , Iris , sorry Poor wee Iris is squeaking with nightmares , I 'm sitting by her and making comforting typing noises while she re - settles . We started our new role - playing campaign today . I am optimistic about it . We 're playing some people employed ( or about to be ) by the Lucky Ali Detective Agency ( est . 2189 ) , but before we got to that the GM gave us a fairly serious action piece using pre - generated characters who broke a guy out of a subterranean and Antarctic prison . My current group is good . Everyone 's able to drop into different characters fast and well and so doing various parts of the story / world ( whatever it is that we make up when we do this thing that we do ) is going to be rather a pleasure . We then got to Tazeem Willoughby ( who sprang so oddly fully - formed out of my forehead a couple of weeks ago ) and Lucky Ali interviewing the others , the candidates and the current staff of the agency are weird and wonderful , intriguing people all of them . I 'm looking forward to finding out more about them , and about Tazeem . Backstage at Hazel 's ballet show I 've been watching how dancers talk differently from normal people and thinking about how Tazeem ( who is a dancer ) will use hand gestures and body language a good deal , along with rather stagey facial expressions . I 'm also considering starting a Theatre Thing ( dress ups , drama , dance , music , and movement ) for pre - schoolers with a friend of mine who 's a trained teacher and , like me , spent a long time at Drama Christi . We 're just talking it through at the moment , but it feels like a gap in the community , and it 's certainly something we could do . Sweet dreams my cheery little Iris who laughs at my jokes , you deserve them . Labels : future , Iris , role - playing Ruth 's looking for a great nanny . When my children are driving their parent cracker I sometimes envy her lifestyle with the washing virtuously put on the line and someone bringing professional calm to their interactions with her children while she goes out to manage her team of adults in their well - ordered workplace . Her workmates don 't remove their clothes , bite or pee on her , they can take turns , and when she asks them a question they usually answer . But I don 't envy her this search , and after the kids have watched this David Attenborough DVD and I 've got my template working we will go outside and throw the frisbee while the lasagne cooks and the sun shines . Ruth will go to meetings and read boring emails under flourescent lights . P . S . Iris went to playcentre with no other family members and Hazel had another good time at school today . Labels : Hazel , Iris , sister Whine . Take off your clothes . ( Bonus points for complete nudity at lunch time outside Parliament ) . Bite people . Ask for something , ask for it a lot , beg , plead , yell , then get polite . When you get the thing glance at it and hurl it away . Pee on your parent . Don 't respond if your sister asks you nicely , wait until she pulls your hair , then do what she wants . Don 't get in the car . Yell very loudly " I am ! " whenever someone makes suggestions about your behaviour . Don 't eat when people are watching . If you listen , don 't look , if you look , don 't answer . Labels : advice , Hazel , Iris I think the girls and I will be buying a toilet seat today , the old wooden one has been cracked for a long time but what with very energetic short people putting the lid down so they can stand on it to flush , it 's got to the stage where it bites people who fidget . Iris says she wants a pink one , I 'd like a clear one with strange stuff embedded in it ( if anyone 's seen those available in Wellington do pipe up about where ) . By the way , here 's a game theoretic discussion of when the seat should be left down and up . I 've never minded putting the seat down myself , but then I wash my hands after using the loo . Labels : advice , future , Iris , laughter , link
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Whoa . That 's a huge ordeal . Why can 't we just put everything we own on our beloved Facebook online yard sale like we have done the last couple of years ? Because of course , it 's more fun to have a real sale , to sell all the nitty gritty . We have a lot of pretty excellent nitty gritty . I am sure everyone thinks that about their stuff , but for us it 's true . Including some very nice furniture , we have things that people may actually want - think Pottery Barn , Crate and Barrel , Williams Sonoma , LLBean . I can 't help it , although I am extremely frugal , I still like these types of home - style things . So as I started to really think about a sale - items , prices , and how it might all go down , I 've decided we are who we are no matter what . I would love to say that I don 't care about what I own or where it came from . And technically I don 't . But I am realizing we all have this innate self , who likes what it likes , who is drawn to a certain style , who operates with certain personal guidelines . Sir Husband said just throw the stuff on the lawn without even worrying about price stickers . I gasped at that thought . We will have signs and balloons to welcome the shoppers , tables displaying our things , the for - sale furniture arranged in the driveway , and a table of donuts until noon , at which point we will change to cookies . I think they call that staging , like I did to sell my house . I can 't help it , that 's the " real me . " But in all honesty I wish I could change and not really care about any of this and live simply and free . Not just with my home items , but also in my life . While I was organizing the nitty gritty in the garage , our agent called to tell us we have more showings this week with our buyers . They want to come see the house again , which honestly I understand . But I thought we were done , the offers are signed . So my mind started racing about what I would have to do to change all the moving parts of my week , clean again , leave again , and work around someone else 's needs . Everything in life is a negotiation and I struggle with saying no , or honoring what is best for me . But this is part of my innateness - I don 't exercise my boundaries well . There are a million reasons why , but it still goes back one thing - I 'm just being myself . Whether it 's shopping Pottery Barn clearance , staging a yard sale , or freaking out instead of saying no - no matter how hard I try I still like what I like and do what I do . There 's no deep philosophical meaning , it 's about accepting who we are and feeling comfortable with ourselves , regardless of who else is . At the end of the day we 're all we 've got , and I 'm ok with that . Those two gals , along with Sir Husband and myself took this home - selling experience to HGTV relevance . Each of us executing our own vital role , we listed , showed , and sold our house on day one . Not to mention got four offers . Yep . I thought I was out of swirl - mode , but nope . We had heard that the market in our area is over the top excellent for sellers right now . But we had to live it to believe it . The minute our house went live on MLS , more than 20 showing requests came in that first afternoon , many lined up for the following morning back - to - backing a brokers ' open house . By the dinner hour we had over - asking price offers . It blew our minds - and even our real estate team 's - leading to no sleeping for any of us for almost three days . I could never be in the real estate business . Those people work their tushes off , especially in a hot market . They were fielding calls , scheduling showings , reading and interpreting offers , and providing every ounce of paperwork called for down to the last dotted i . They were showing the house , changing out signs on the road , juggling legalities for our homeowner 's association , and pushing me to go - go - go when I thought I was going to drop . It 's not easy to show your house 20 - some times in 72 hours . We had to keep all the showings going for back - up offers , that 's how they roll in this seaside domain . It paid off , but required a marathon - pace . For three days I was home sometimes no more than 15 minutes before I had to depart for another round , hauling my valuables , my technology , and of course my kitties . God forbid someone accidentally let them out . It happens , I wasn 't going to risk it . I say I was a Property Brother , because in that midst we also entertained finishing our partially - finished basement to negotiate some bids . We had a contractor here determining if it would make or break one of the deals . We also got to hang with an aerial photographer steering a drone over our house to photograph the lot and the woods behind us that we can 't get through . I 've seen all this go down on TV , but never thought it would happen to me . Funny story - in an exhausted fog I went to the post office on hour 71 to mail a package . I was at the counter chit chatting with the postal person about moving , selling our house , how we sold it on day one and got several offers . And this is what I heard - " Um , I just bought your house . " The next thing you know we are hugging and deep into conversation . How often do you meet your buyer just after you 've signed their offer ? Agents like to keep you apart , but surprise , in this case , oops . That said to me it was meant to be . We are due for some ease and relief . But in the meantime we 'll keep re - fueling , until we close on the house in just five short weeks . And this is just the beginning … Today we rest , and enjoy what so many sacrificed their lives for - freedom and peace . I don 't know anyone who died in service to our country . And here 's the kicker - they don 't know me either . It 's hard to wrap my head around men and women who would put their lives on the line for me , for my children , for my family , friends , neighbors , and basically everyone , as I move through my day - to - day life in comfort . When I stop to think about it - which most of us rarely do - I deeply appreciate their unconditional giving . It feels good , and there 's no room for anything other than goodness , nothing else matters except that . We live in a world of imposed conditions , so it 's almost hard to define the mystical experience of " unconditional . " I don 't know if we are born with the ability to offer it , or if it 's learned , or if we even recognize it when it 's happening to us , by us , or for us . While I can 't say I know what it feels like to sign up to protect a nation , and to literally and consciously put my own life at risk for others , I do know what it means to give of my whole self - heart and soul - in my own little life . It 's the action of caring about the well - being of others in any circumstance without worrying about personal reward . Period . I 'm not a military person . I 'm anti - fighting , anti - war , and truly cannot understand the internal inspiration , or the bravery and sacrifice of armed service - people . But I can be grateful , unconditionally . What goes around comes around , and that doesn 't always mean something bad . This concludes Sir Husband 's first official week of work at Harvard U , where information abounds and enlightenment reigns . He was fortunate to be working the Baccalaureate ceremony that took place in his building - so to speak . He manages communications for the Harvard Memorial Church , which is in an of itself an iconic building of pomp and circumstance for many ceremonious events . But I have parking karma - one of those built - in good luck mechanisms that allows me to pull into virtually any parking lot and get the first spot . Although this is still much to Sir Husband 's amazement , he does not always comply with my good karma , complaining about my silliness of utilizing the gift . It 's an ongoing marital debate , when on occasion I have watched him drive by the first spot - usually empty - saying he didn 't see it as we approached . It 's almost like a game of chess . As he meandered around the Baccalaureate ceremony working and taking photos of the event , he listened to Harvard 's president tell the graduates to always go for the first parking spot , and if it 's not available , drive around the lot again until it is . Never , ever settle for anything other than the first spot she said , in a parking lot , or in life . She calls it the Parking Space Theory of Life . Now he was listening . And all of a sudden what for years sounded like nagging to him , just became a symbolic key to happiness and success . What goes around comes around . I imagine this is only the beginning of many new ways of thinking that both Sir Husband and I will embrace as he experiences the experiences of Harvard . Steven Spielberg gave this year 's graduation ceremony speech , another event Sir Husband worked beginning at sunrise that day . But I will save that story for another post . In the meantime , he 's found the first spot . For years I have been telling students : Find what you love . Do what matters to you … . But don 't settle for Plot B , the safe story , the expected story , until you have tried Plot A , even if it might require a miracle . I call this the Parking Space Theory of Life . Don 't park 10 blocks away from your destination because you are afraid you won 't find a closer space . Don 't miss your spot - Don 't throw away your shot . Go to where you think you want to be . You can always circle back to where you have to be . This can require patience and determination . Steven Spielberg was , in fact , late to class his first day as a student at California State University , because , as he put it , " I had to park so far away . " Mr . Ex 's Mrs . 's mother just died . What are the rules around your children 's step - grandmother passing on who they have never met ? Do we attend the ritual services ? Or do we simply send a card ? Maybe this is when we write our own rules and pretend it 's protocol . She called me within an hour of the death , I was glad she did . We knew this was imminent for a couple of weeks . But let 's back up to why we even communicate to this degree . Mr . Ex 's Mrs . is a decent person . I don 't judge her for marrying Mr . Ex , in fact I salute her for her tolerance and unconditional love . They say there 's someone for everyone and I don 't ever question destiny . She tried fairly off the bat to connect our family trees , with good boundaries of course . Put it this way , she was a purveyor of peace , even when we didn 't see eye - to - eye . She 's also a mother of three adult children , so knows her way around life 's curves . That 's not to say I have agreed with her at every pass , and have made my feelings known . I don 't beat around the bush when it comes to holding back . But we basically see eye - to - eye and get along just fine . The irony is that Sir Husband and I don 't have much family , and when things have happened that call for support , she is the one who is there . That 's saying a lot , she acts more like family than most in our traditional immediate families . Secretly I was glad that she would be here to see the furniture I 'm selling before we move . We have to get rid of half of our stuff and she 's in the market herself , looking for new items . She and Mr . Ex are moving across their state line back to Boston around the same time as us . Interesting isn 't it . One big happy family - ish . Before Mrs . ' arrival , I looked at the sympathy card sitting on my desk and wondered , do I sign it now and hand it to her ? Or mail it to her home ? These are the weird things when it comes to etiquette for family or not . But if we are such that my ex - husband 's wife can sleep over at my house , I suppose etiquette in this case is just a formal word . After she arrived we sat on the couch and talked about life 's happenings . She was overwhelmed and exhausted trying to deal with her loss . So I gave her a hug and a hand of support and then just let her be . I don 't understand why people get so wound up . They let so much get in the way of a plain old human experience . When we can sit back without judgement and honor another simply for being a human doing the best they can , amazing things can happen . It 's here ! It 's here ! I said loudly with glee to the cat as I plopped her off of my lap and ran outside . It would have made a great UPS commercial - disheveled woman in dirty yoga clothes runs through the damp , freshly cut grass in bare feet , smiling and thanking the man in brown as he hands her a package . It was a new iPhone case from my son for Mother 's Day , just two weeks late . Seems silly that I was that excited for a new phone case , but I was . It 's the little things that make life easier that matter a lot to me . In fact , it 's the little things that really bring me the most happiness … My old case was taped together , I 'm a bit frugal when it comes to replacing things even when they 're broken . I put the new case on and ran to show my youngest who couldn 't be bothered turning away from his online computer game to see my glee . But I shared it anyway , then remembered the house was now on the market . I clicked the link and saw our house for sale online - and other than the wonderful job our friend did with the listing - I felt fairly neutral about it . We have done this so many times that I must be numb to the life - changing reality that we are about to move again . That 's not a small thing . I 'm guessing we all spend a lot of time thinking about big things - our future , our hopes and dreams . We set goals , plan , visualize and work toward whatever we want or need to be happy . I 'm a dreamer , and think that what I want will magically appear . That 's not to say I don 't work hard , in fact just the opposite , and the path has not been easy . But I have not really had the experience of dreams coming true beyond the birth of my boys and marrying Sir Husband . Acquiring " big things " has mostly been a concept to me . Until this week . We are now living one of our dreams come true and it honestly feels pretty weird . He got the job he had been trying to get for a number of years , as if his whole life built up to this pivotal career moment . We will now live where we want to live , potentially happily ever after . And until a wise woman mentioned it , I didn 't even realize we were staring right at our dream as it manifested . For the last few years Sir Husband and I have been clawing our way out of some unnecessary and massive tragedies , thankfully together . And here we are , finally dancing over the happiness threshold . It 's so new to me , that I don 't quite know what to do with it except smile and nearly hug the UPS guy . I said nearly . The eye - rolling smirk he had on his face must be part of the job . That 's ok . He didn 't know he was watching my joy at a dream finally coming true . We take vacations to relax . But I failed at that last week when we were away , and I 'm not alone . Why ? Because we can 't always get away from ourselves . It took four days and a hand - in - hand barefoot stroll with my man on the surf - side dunes of the Cape to finally unwind . Relaxing wasn 't easy no matter how hard I tried . I 've caught myself a lot lately in the thick of a nervous - system buzz . It 's like a fast - moving electrical current that goes speeding through my body keeping me revved up even when I 'm sitting down . It comes naturally , from a lifetime of trying to reach a better destination - only the destination in this case is comfort , contentment and peace . The good news is , I 'm shifting it . But until recently , for the last forever years I have been living in what we un - fondly refer to as The Gap . It 's not an easy place to live . It 's that land between reality and desire . Despair and hope . Existence and belief . And it can be uncomfortable , even when we 're determined to come out of it . I know a few people living in the gap . It 's self - defined , but we know it when we 're in it . It can be when we 're in between jobs , or homes , or life circumstances . If only fill in the blank … When fill in the blank … As soon as fill in the blank … happens , I 'll be all set / good / happy / healthy / fine . It can be temporary , but I 've spent most of my life trying to fill in those blanks . We hear about living in the present moment , or peace and happiness come from the inside - there are a myriad of memes out there telling us how to feel good . They make sense in the moment and can feel like our Jacob 's ladder out of the gap . But it 's not until we recognize it that we can do it . The to - do list is a perfect example . That list never ends , but I have continually believed if I get through my list all will be right with the world . Mundane tasks become massive priorities , so I stay revved - up as I 'm running toward the finish line . I know I can make it … I can do it … I 'm almost there … just one more thing … Keep . On . Going . It 's almost subconscious . Workaholics live in that habitual space - in between here and there , then and tomorrow , busyness and bliss . The question is , when is it good enough ? When are we satisfied ? When can we relax ? Call me crazy , but the answer is now . And we don 't even have to go on vacation . It was like a scene from a movie . Wife sends husband out for a basket of flowers for the front porch minutes before the team of house - selling people arrive . It was listing day . Wife gives explicit instructions for color , sun - exposure and price . But she forgets to say be sure they are alive . Husband followed the instructions so explicitly that he didn 't notice the flowers he brought home were half - dead . I adore my husband . He is the love and light of my life . To me he 's the most amazing and sexiest man alive . And when he walked in with a basket of brownish , wilted flowers , I whimpered and welled up with tears . We were out of time . I 've been crying a lot lately . They aren 't bad tears , they are change tears , as we embark on another major life transition involving moving for the seventh or eighth time in less than 10 years . A military wife I am not . I thought I was over the crying last week when we headed to Cape Cod for a few days of rest before Sir Husband starts his new job . But no amount of Om ' ing helped . We stopped in Boston and signed a lease on our new condo , and that 's when it all started . We are moving " home , " and I 'm thrilled . But as we tripped down memory lane where I spent most of my adult years , buried emotions surfaced . Not memories exactly , but feelings . I had no idea they were in there . Instead of dwelling on what was causing the flow of emotion and tears , I tried to just go with the flow … the tears , the feelings , the experience . Sir Husband 's parade was not dampened by my unplanned avalanche - he held my hand as we drove through my past and soon - again future and smiled . His joy embarking on this Divinely - guided venture was irrepressible . Before we got to the Cape , we stopped for a night at a dear family friend 's house who I have not seen in years . As if no time had passed , we simply picked up where we left off , although I have a different husband and her daughter is all grown up . Seeing her was medicinal . Time has a funny way of reminding us of those things that truly matter - like friendship and memories and the blank canvas of our future . After a lot of laughs and wine around her big dining room table , we got to the nitty gritty of what Sir Husband and I have to do to get ourselves moved . We are downsizing yet again to a very small space near the big city - more than half our belongings must go . That 's part of the emotional shift - truly letting go of our stuff . " Keep only the treasures , only those things that tell an important story , " my friend said . She recently did this herself . It 's harder to let go of memories and experience than it is to let go of things , she explained . It took some digesting , but I began to embrace the reality of what " stuff " really means . Your blog has my head spinning , said my beautiful friend who is the epitome of serene . Nothing phases her , so we better take it seriously . She didn 't think we were going to move with Sir Husband 's new job . Us either , we even surprised ourselves . He has been trying to get out of the newspaper biz for a super long time . Not sure he even thought it was possible . Then to land a job at Harvard ? Surprise ! And score . This last job did him in . It was the culmination of industry - thinking that he just did not subscribe . Day in and day out for the last three years , the drudgery compiled . He never thought it would end . Hallelujah it finally did . But hallelujah comes after many years of trouble and strife from others in our life . Thank goodness we can live on love alone because most days that was the key . When we 're used to nothing but hurdles , " good " surprises take a minute to absorb . Things will hit us when they hit us , whether we 're reacting immediately or not . But I felt my friend 's message clearly , we 've had too many fast OMGs . From an unexpected new car , new job , impending move and new life , we 're sort of spinning too . That 's why we decided to stop the spin and take a few days off . We 're going on vacation , just the two of us , to rest our weary souls . Even when change is good , it takes a daily toll . We don 't get away too often , especially alone , so this one feels quite sacred . We need to recalibrate as we embark on our new path , which sort of means shutting down . Not our hearts of course , but our busyness - from computers to phones to blogs . I saw a post on Facebook from a friend who is doing the same . She said she 's taking a break to regain some time and energy . I often wonder if hitting the off button on social media is a case of snooze , you lose . But it 's that whole putting yourself first thing , in whatever form that takes . We 'll be resting for a whole week , and life will then totally change . Sir Husband will be headed to campus while I stay home and sell the house . The school year will end , the packing will begin , and off we go again . Wow . Is looking at our life from the outside as exhausting as it is to live it ? Because we are in a swirl - wind so speedy that we can barely catch our breath . Only this time it 's all good . My life has always been a little swirly . We don 't sign up for the lives we have , or maybe we actually do . But I don 't have time to debate where our life stories originate . Right now I 'm so busy rewriting ours , I 'm having trouble keeping up . His new job is in Boston , so we decided to move back . That decision alone opened up Pandora 's box . Where will we live when we get there , and more importantly how will we pay ? Massachusetts is way high up in its cost of living ranks . After accepting that reality , the search for a home could begin . We aren 't going to buy off the bat , it 's happening way too fast . We have to sell the house we 're in now and he starts his new job next week . We began looking online at rentals in the towns we might want to live . Fortunately I lived there for decades , so I 'm familiar with the land . Here is where " go with the flow " has become our most valuable tool . We 've struggled with this notion before , but sometimes it 's not a choice , which we 're learning now . Every hour of every day it 's like we 're being hustled by Divine Powers That Be . Doors are opening quickly and things are falling into place . This concept of things aligning with ease is often referred to as " flow . " We 've had to let go and surrender ourselves to allowing it all to work out . That is a big deal , as humans we want to be in control , and we try with all our might . We hear a lot about surrendering , some call it " Let go and let God . " Whatever words make it feel right , it doesn 't change the facts . If you trust in the Divine , yourself and in life , it will likely work out really well . It 's hard not to smile when we 're feeling the flow , in spite of the breathless fatigue . There 's a happy invigoration that shows to the outside world . When a dear friend noticed our flow first hand she wasn 't sure what to say . That was the funniest thing I 've heard in a while , but honestly she was right . For years our life 's swirl was negative , crazy and hard but our new status quo is flow . Sounds a lot like balance to me . Kind of like breathing in and then out . First we 're receptive , then we let go . As sure as our breath our life flows . Please follow , share , like or comment . . . Feedback and input are very appreciated and gladly received ! Let 's spread some fairy dust in the world . ~ Deborah Contact : Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :
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It 's celebrate your name week . March 3 - 10 which makes a cluster of weird holidays . Monday was Namesake Day , Tuesday was Fun - facts about Names Day . But various calendars disagree about which day is which name holiday . Most of the news this week is about the weather . We had snow - shoveled to make room so Brian could come visit ; then we had more snow , and that nice man with the ( I think it 's called ) a snow skid who was cleaning up the corner of Holt and Pinnacle Road did the second half of the driveway for us again . Then Tom Hart ( who apparently works at a news station and has been reading lots of stories about old houses roofs breaking under the weight of the snow ) came by to shovel off the flat ( North ) part of our roof . Then yesterday it warmed up , and rained and all that snow we 'd had to move has been washing away ( into cellars ? I should check ) at a great rate . Today it was cold again , so we had a lot of fog . That 's the thing about March - one day blizzards , a few days later , your daffodils are pushing up through the mud . Sadly , one of our goats Vanadis , died , and the ground is still too hard to bury her . Darcy is looking for a home for her milker , so we could replace her , but I need to kill off the current kids so we won 't be over populated with goats . I 'm also trying to figure out how to get the right number of replacement chickens . It 's so weird to be buying eggs ( and they are really not as good ) . Willowlady ( NOT Willow , someone my age with a pagan list ) who usually posts the holiday lists that I find so interesting on one of my lists is sick , and I 've been posting ( mostly the ones I 've collected from her over the last year or two ) about the holidays for her until she gets out of the hospital . Sadly , this takes longer than just copying a block from my record to the list , because I 've learned that often holidays migrate around the calendar , and I don 't want to post anything that 's a mistake , so I go checking the information , and that takes way too much time , because I keep getting distracted by the cool things I find . I find everything so interesting ! For example , today is " 8 Hour Day " - which is apparently Australia 's Labor Day . While trying to figure out what day 8 Hour Day really is , and also what it 's about I found out a lot about how people fought to get an 8 hour workday . Of course , this reminds me of two things . One is the sad fact that somehow we 've gotten to a place where many ( most ? ) people have to work two jobs to make ends meet , which isn 't much of an improvement . Used to be if a man and woman worked hard , they could support their family at a level which probably reflected their starting place . I 'm thinking that a lot of our difficulties arise from our ideas of what 's an acceptable life style , as well as the world we are starting with . The other thing thinking about 8 hour days made me think about is a story from our town history . In the early years of the 20th century , some women went to the Lyndeboro Selectmen and demanded a rule that guaranteed 10 hour work days for the women of the town , because so many of the girls were moving to the cities to work in the mills where they 'd only have 10 hour workdays . They wanted the same guarantee to stop the loss of the labor pool . The Selectmen responded that farm women shouldn 't have it any better than their men , and that any farmer who could get all his work done in only 10 hours a day was either a genius , or a madman , and either way , he bore watching . With that , they sent the women back to their kitchens and gardens ( to work without their daughters help ) . That 's my favorite story from our town history . As Brian said : " Google Earth is evil . It sucks away my time . " Being able to type in an address and get a satellite image of wherever you can think of - then zoom in is so much fun ! ( some of them even have pictures of the houses ) . I could show the kids the arial of Farmington where I grew up , and Dad lives now , and zoom out to show the lake . You can see the orchards and the massive tree coverage around us here ( 125 Pinnacle Road , Lyndeboro NH so you can see if you want - I still can 't figure out how to share the image ) , and I got to see the cool patterns around Mystery Hill - which is right where Ekke used to live . It 's fun . ( just type in Maps Google ) This seems odd as we had more visits than usual this week . Brian came over - he 'd done a repair on our Anglo - Saxon lute ; he has one and is on a list about them . He 's showed me a way to tune it so I can actually play it which apparently has a reasonable scholarly justification . Now I have to figure out something to play at events . After all , most SCAers would be thoroughly bored with a performance in Old English . It should be something fairly universally amusing . Something justifiably historical . Something I can actually perform . And it would be cool if we could work out something we could do together with our two lyres . He also poked at my new machine that 's supposed to transfer VHS to DVDs , but he couldn 't get it to work either . It seems to turn itself off about 40 minutes into the movie , which ruins the disc , and doesn 't result in a movie in the modern format . Frustrating . But we did have a lovely visit and dinner together . Brian tends not to cook for himself and is gratifyingly appreciative of home cooking . He was able to come over as his new store hasn 't opened yet . In theory it 's a great idea . It 's a computer store called Just Works for non - nerd / geeks . For the vast majority of us who don 't want all the bells and whistles , just a machine that will get us to the internet and do a couple of basic things . Sounds like just the kind of place I 'd want to find , of course , will all the potential customers out there find him ? If so , it 'll be a winner . Then on Sunday , Tommy came over and dumped the snow off the back of the house . He didn 't stay long because he was by himself , and he was being transported by his parents , but Janet came in and chatted for a while . She 's got new puppies ( or rather , her Chihuahua does ) . I 'd never known that there were brown Chihuahua 's before - apparently they look something like Pappillions . I 've been calling and checking the internet for new vans . I may have to get another loan - although I 'm also thinking about refinancing the one I got last year since rates are down . I hate this , it is not the kind of thing I 'm good at . Willow and I went over and cleared out the van - we still have to take the other seat over there - although they don 't really want it , they are willing to take it and we have no use for it . I 'm hoping to get it before we need it for LunaCon ( not this weekend , but next ) . We hadn 't managed to get in when it first opened , but Willow saw that one of the vendors had dropped out and there were two tables available and we managed to get them . LunaCon is a Science Fiction and Fantasy convention , and Willow went last year and the socks went really well . They are into costume stuff . I wish we could take the jewels , they 'd probably love those . As it 's a new month I downloaded a book from Wowio called Help ! I don 't even know what I need to know about starting a business - The Entrepreneur 's Companion . I hope it helps . I need all the help I can get . This week mostly I 've been reading about Vedic palmistry which I 'm enjoying . It works well with the western palmistry I already know . I also read one by someone with a new system aimed at simplifying the art to make it more accessible . Most of it was pretty good , but rather than simply referring to the index , middle , ring and pinkie finger , he called them the mirror , wall , peacock and antenna fingers . If you are going to use symbolic terms , you might as well stick to the traditional ones of the planets , so at least the new palmists would be able to speak to other palmists . I 'm still reading more on fairy tales , ( finally getting to Bettlesheim as well as re - reading Grimm ) and looking at a few books on religion and history . Who knows what direction I will hare off in next . Actually , I did pick up a couple of books at the library - fiction again , if you 'll believe it . This week I watched the first episodes of a TV show that only lasted one season The Dresden Files . It 's about a detective who uses magick - not much different from vampire detectives , or other detective shows , but it was fun so I 'm going to keep watching them until I 've seen them all . ( The many channels available now mean that there is more variety to pick from , but it 's hard for even a good show to pick up enough viewers to be financially viable . Think about Firefly ! ) The show was good enough that I want to read the books that inspired it , and I was hoping the library would protect me from the urge to buy the books in order to read them . Of course , buying makes it easier to loan and re - read , or go back and check to see if the author has screwed up his continuity , but even though a paperback is designed as a fat magazine ( ie . disposable ) , I think it would be better to borrow them - and luckily the library had 4 of the 10 Butcher 's written . I was also amused by the " Rules of Magic " I found on the internet . I love the way things are so codified these days . How " lawful " everyone is becoming - or maybe people are naturally like that - look how long the Roman Empire lasted . ( Oh , and Mark wrote me yesterday . Gary Gygax , who generated the original Dungeons and Dragons game has died . Apparently they used to game together and occasionally I 'd get an e - mail where mark was forwarding something to both of us . It made me feel important at one remove . I guess I 'll have to give up that small conceit . I do think Gygax was important . It 's not like people didn 't do Role - Playing Games before that . I would say that it originated in the romantic love of fantasy that was burgeoning in the Baby Boomer generation which you can see in the beginning of the SCA and the great Science Fiction Convention movement crossed with the war - games military men have used since they had to plan their battles and talk about them with each other . That 's pretty much what D & D is - more than a game , it 's a language to try to understand and describe the world . When you know the vocabulary , as with any other symbol set or jargon , it makes it easy to communicate a great deal in a few words . For example " Intelligence 18 , Wisdom 4 " , is completely understandable to people who understand that a character 's intelligence and or wisdom might be randomly generated by throwing three six sided die , which means that the lowest intelligence where you could still manage to feed yourself would be 3 , and 18 would be the equally unlikely super - genius . It also takes into account that intelligence - the ability to learn facts is different than wisdom which is needed to combine and utilize them . It 's similar to the way that the Sims computer game illustrates how your various needs - for rest , food , cleanliness , social interaction , etc . are all important and interdependent . My , haven 't our games gotten narcissistic ? I suppose it 's because people see someone else 's representation of how life works , see a flaw in it , and create their own way of looking at it . It 's good that we think about how we work . We also watched a lighthearted romantic comedy with Seth Green as an unrepentant scoundrel working to get his friend together with the woman he loved through a series of nasty tricks called Unhitched . Mostly I noticed that the hero passed various landmarks , including Parliament , as he headed up the Thames to reach the wedding in time . Kat sells portraits of people 's self designed characters on line and got 4 orders last week , so she 's been really plugging away at it . One of them wanted the houses of parliament in the background and Kat agreed , little realizing how complex a background that was . It came out well though ; I liked the way she showed the reflection . Final Cut , starring Robin Williams , illustrates the question of whether truth or our cherished illusions are more important . I hadn 't realized that it was a science fiction movie . All I 'd heard was that Williams played a man who knew about everyone 's flaws because he saw all their lives on film . I figured it was about someone who developed photos . I can well imagine that if there was someone who could indeed review everything you 'd seen ( done ) in your life , there would have to be a pretty strong code of silence for them - right up there with the seal of the confessional . I 'd hoped that Empire of the Wolves was going to be about werewolves , but it wasn 't . It was simply a very excellent mystery with international terrorists , cops , and the usual intrigue . It starred Jean Reno , who 's an actor I really love , but it was frustrating for me because it was a French film , and while I have a reasonable grasp of French , I can 't quite catch all the plot points in it without the subtitles - and more importantly - I can 't " watch " the way I usually do , but doing something else while the movie 's on and only occasionally glancing up to catch the visuals . Yes , it did have a dubbed version , but they used a voice actor who was doing a kind of hard - bitten , Mike Hammer type of accent and voice instead of the incredibly velvety growl which makes such a great part of Reno 's appeal . Yes , he was playing the old , no - holds - barred , streetwise detective , but I really like Reno . ( I may even be willing to watch the Pink Panther although I generally avoid slapstick , just to watch him . ) My current handwork project is a new quilted skirt which should be done just in time to put it away until next winter . It 's pre - quilted black and red , and in order to sew pieces together it 's necessary to sew first one side , then trim away the batting , then hand stitch the second side in the other color - with re - pinning at almost every stage . Last time I made a skirt with pre - quilted fabric I just flat felled the seams and ran trim over the seams to cover them , but I decided to " do it right " this time . I had no problem only occasionally glancing up for the sex farce Orgazmo that Star had taken out , but had to look up a lot to see the visuals in Joe 's Apartment which is a weird fantasy world with talking cockroaches that I think Bear suggested to me while we were doing the movie memes last week . At the same time I found the skirt pieces I also found already cut out pieces of flannel to make three new slips in red , purple and patterned wine and black . Sadly there seems to be one section missing from the red flannel slip . I have to look around some more , but I may need to piece it with another color . Darn ! I love flannel slips , and I was thinking to trim this one with black lace . No once sees slips , but they are fun . Poor Kat has been having a lot of trouble with her largest organ this week . First her fingers look awful - she thinks it 's dehydration the knuckles are all red and apparently the skin is peeling off , and on top of it , she 's all scraped up from Zymbalta biting and clawing . Willow has also been savaged by the kitten who is still being trained not to bite , and claw and disembowel " our wrists . Dan 's so much smarter to have gotten two kittens at once so they can have someone to play with . Of the older cats , Grendle will sometimes be willing to play with Zymbalta , but Greymalkin and Freya beat the euphemism out of her every time they come within a foot or two . Then poor Kat shows me her toes - which were all grey and looked frostbitten . Soaking them helped some , but I have no idea why toes would go that color if something isn 't wrong . She thinks it may have been her favorite boots were pinching , so she stopped wearing them . But I 'm not sure why a foot soak and scrub would help that . While digging around under the sink in the bathroom looking for epsom salts , I bumped the S pipe , and knocked it off . Apparently it had simply been wedged in place , and it doesn 't really fit well . Now I either have to figure out how to fix it or pay for the plumber to do it . Feh ! I don 't think I appreciated Ælfwine enough when he was around . Over the weekend I rearranged the living room with the couch at an angle across one corner to avoid it getting pushed up against the wall where it can block the heat from the registers . I also vacuumed up what I hope are the last of the needles from the tree - but then , I thought I 'd done that before . I was worried about the vacuum which didn 't seem to be sucking properly , but we picked up the sewing machine from the shop this week , and Don tells me that evergreen needles clog vacuums worse than almost anything else . I also did a stroll down memory lane the other night . Somehow the wonderful 30 second animated short of the cat wanting its can of food from Sesame Street came up , and the kids called it up on You Tube for me . I must have spent four or five hours watching old bits from Sesame Street from Monster in the Mirror to Put down the Duckie ! I remember dancing around the kitchen with Ælfwine when that special was first aired ! Another thing we picked up was folders to put pennies in . I am a collector ( also known as a pack rat ) . There 's something fascinating to me about having something that you know was around a long time ago - even ( or maybe better ) if it was such a common thing as a penny . There you go - save me old pennies you may trip over and you 've got a wonderful gift to give me . OF course , you 've got to go back to the early fifties to find one I haven 't got . Cookie cutters are so much harder these days because I have so many and don 't use them as much these days . Kat did make some spice cookies on Sunday , but she didn 't like them . ( I did . ) I was hoping to have a cookie painting party for my artistic friends this February , but I guess winter has passed and so has the opportunity . Maybe next year . " Fearful as reality is , it is less fearful than evasions of reality … Look steadfastly into the slit , pinpointed malignant eyes of reality as an old - hand trainer dominates his wild beasts . " Caitlin Thomas
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Elyse & Eta annoy me . So does Vanni but with Vanni I actually feel like I want to be friends with her in the long run ( well , kinda ) . With Elyse and Eta I just feel done . But I have to be fake towards them . If I acted how I felt I would be a huge bitch . So I 'm just fake - ish . The APLA test : I studied the day before . I know I should 've started earlier . But I just could never motivate myself or make myself . So I started on Sunday . I studied a lot on Sunday , though . The APUSH test : I started studying on Tuesday . Did a group study with Michelle , Vanni , Alice , and Andrea and that was helpful . Studied what I felt like was a lot , but I always felt like I could do more and it was very overwhelming . The test was today . It was hard . The multiple choice was hard . My essays were crap . Of course other people ( more perfect people ) probably thought it was easy and that just makes me sad . In Pre - calc I have the lowest grade I 've had all year . It 's like a B - . GOD . Major stressor here . And my teacher has been being an ass . He 's just crabby . I won 't go into specifics because I never do anymore but GRR he aggrivates me so much . Even though my grade was so high in that class last quarter that I can still get like a B - and get an A in the class for the semester . But it would really bother me to get a bad grade when I know I CAN do better . I 've never gotten below like an 86 % or so in a class ! Not that it makes a difference , it 'll just say " B " and it won 't even be on my transcript but STILL . I 'm just a perfectionist but a failing one . It 's hard to be a failing perfectionist ! ! My mom says I 'm being too hard on myself ( in general ) but I can 't help it . It 's like , last year I was kind of good but right now I 'm slipping back into that perfectionist - comparing myself to everyone mentality that I had freshman year and I don 't know what to do about it . It 's not like I can just tell myself not to care because I DO care . And I thought it would get better after AP tests , but we 'll see … Anyways . Chemistry is also kind of stressing me out , but not because of my grade , that 's fine , but because I have old old missing assignments that I need to just get DONE and turn them in , but I can 't seem to get around to them . Maybe now that AP tests are over ( see what I mean ? I just keep putting things off until after the tests ) . This week was also stressful because I kept having to retake / take / makeup / finish tests / homework / etc before school , during break , during lunch , and after school . So I didn 't get to do things I had wanted to do . Like talk to my friends since we 're drifting apart or go to club meetings . Like this one club that is a mentoring thing that 's coming to my school . Upperclassmen mentor freshman and it looks cool . I think it sounds cute . 🙂 They need 40 from my class , and I definitely think I 'm in the top 40 of my class … Of course , to get support for the program started , they had teachers recommend some students . You didn 't have to be recommended to do it , but it got people to know what it is and stuff . I didn 't get recommended . 😦 Stupid people like Mya did . That was just annoying . So on Tuesday I had Key Club . I 'm secretary this year so I knew I wanted to run for something again next year . It makes sense , RIGHT , to be something like secretary one year and then run for VP or something higher the next ? ( Not that it matters what I am because Eta , the president , doesn 't include me in any of the planning or anything ) But I get there and she is running for VP ! UGH . And I didn 't want to run against her because we 're such good friends . And then Eta is running for president again and Elyse is running for treasurer . So I 'm left to run for … secretary again . GREAT ! And even that I have to run against Kim , who I like and don 't want to run against . But they left me no choice ! ! It just made me so mad because gee , my friends in first lunch REALLY left me no room to be a Key Club officer at all next year . Maybe I just won 't run . Cross my name off the list . What kind of a club would it be run by Eta , Charla , and Elyse , anyway ? Super perfect and … can 't think of the word … just making people feel bad about themselves 24 / 7 on every scale possible . Maybe I don 't even want to be in it next year . Will it REALLY make that much of a difference on college apps ? Hmmm … Oh , and then , I was saying how I didn 't want to run against Charla and Fer was like , " I will ! " which just made me mad because even though I 'm annoyed - ish with Charla at the moment , Fer was more than willing to run against Charla which just pisses me off . People dislike Charla for no reason . It just seems like since I generally like the same types of people , and I like both of them a lot , they could like each other . It 's not like any event happened between them that is making Fer hold a grudge . But nooo , she just can 't like Charla . GOD I didn 't really want to vote for either of them . I was tempted to not vote . But I knew that in the long run , even though I 'm a tad annoyed with Charla for now , I would rather have a club run by her than Elyse . I wanted to vote for Jillian and know she would do a better job . But now that I 'm running against Kim for NHS … I just feel kind of bad for running against her because we 're friends - ish and I would be kind of upset if someone I thought I was friends - ish was running against me . And it would be sad if she lost both . So I voted for her . Then again , if she wins both , that would be even worse for me . Hmm . Marina and I are good . Michelle and I are pretty good , but she has all these other friends that she has made since we have been drifting apart and that bothers me . Not like bothers me enough to do anything about it like be really jealous , just makes me sad that me and Michelle don 't have all the same friends anymore . That my group in general is / has splitting / split up . For example , Fer doesn 't like Charla . Charla doesn 't dislike Fer but they aren 't friends ( but that 's all Fer 's doing ) . Marina doesn 't like Fer and vice versa . Vanni doesn 't like Charla and Charla doesn 't know this but gets annoyed with Vanni . Marina didn 't used to like Charla ( AT ALL ) but now they get along very well ( that = happy happy happy ) . Michelle and Marina were in a fight for awhile ( about Devin stuff ) and are getting better . It 's just complicated … I can 't hang out with ALL my good friends at once like I used to be able to . It 's like there 's no group anymore . I think of a group like how we used to be . For example Vanni 's birthday party would be the same people as Fer 's birthday party and as my birthday party because we all had the same friends . And those parties would just be like any other weekend because we all hung out together all the time anyway . In my last entry ( I think it was ) I talked about how there are no boys I could like ( all I want is to LIKE someone , make life a little more interesting . PLEASE that 's all I 'm asking for ) . That night I looked through the yearbook for possibilities and I found three , count em THREE , boys I could crush on . One was this kid in my Chemistry class who 's name I can 't think of right now . He 's just cute and I don 't know anything about him so that 's appealing . GOD . The sad thing is even if cute / better guys DID go to my school , they would get like gobbled up by other girls who are ______ er than me ( prettier , flirtier , smarter , etc ) . Pessimissic , I know . Speaking of prom , Elyse is going . One more thing to add to the list of why she is so perfect , and she knows it . That 's the annoying part , that she knows it and flaunts it and brags and is frickin annoying . Eta on the otherhand is just really really self righteous . I thought of her when I was studying for the APUSH test and the South thought the North had too many - isms ( feminism , abolitionism , etc ) . It just made me think of her . AND Michelle got asked to prom but said no ( idiot ! ) . Lots of other junior girls are going . To go along with the theme of this entry : just makes me feel bad , inferior … I might go to the wedding , but I don 't really want to . Weddings bore me like no other if I don 't know the person that well [ anymore ] . Yeah , I 've known her since I was born but what do I really know about her TODAY ? That she is pregnant with this guys kid so they are having a rush wedding and that I would have to figure out what to wear and how to make small talk with random people I haven 't seen in forever . Yeah , probably not going . Kristen was SO ANNOYING tonight . I had to pick her up from the bar because she couldn 't drive . But then on the way home she was saying how she might go out again later . Why the heck did I pick you up then ? ! And then she decided ice cream . We got to the place , she changed her mind . We got home , she stayed in the car and told Katherine to stay and didn 't start talking til I closed my door . Gee , thanks . Glad to see we 're still in seventh grade . And I could HEAR them , because she is a drunken idiot . Kristen wanted to go back out with Katherine but didn 't think I would want to drive them or something . And she was saying how alll her friends would be so happy to see Katherine . I 'm glad she considers me a friend , too . Because she definitely doesn 't . She STILL sees me as her immature little sister and just doesn 't care . I consider her one of my best friends , but whatever . Katherine was kind of annoying too . Whenever we go somewhere together , she uses the time in the car ( and sometimes that 's the only time where WE could get to talk because it 's just us ) to return all her phone calls . This means 1 ) we don 't get to talk and it just seems like she doesn 't care , 2 ) I have to turn down the radio so she can hear and 3 ) I have to listen to her stupid annoying sorority sister gossip . In other news , apparently Dahlia is moving in with us . I only heard this second hand ( in one of Katherine 's phone calls today ) . I 'm so glad my family tells me things and updates me ! That is all I know , really . Dahlia 's mom is moving out of her apartment because she can 't afford rent ( on top of chemo ) and into her other daughter 's apartment ( who probably can 't afford to take care of / feed / etc her mom because she isn 't that well off either ) and Dahlia is moving in here . Or something . I don 't know . It 's just sad . Dahlia isn 't herself . And I don 't feel the same way about her . I still love her ( unconditionally ) but I 'm not all like " Aw I love Dahlia she 's so nice ! " all the time . I 'm just , meh whatever . I don 't feel like she ever considered me a great friend anyway . Kristen is " the only one who understands " her . One more thing . I need to change the vibe I give off to people , apparently . Lately I keep finding out that people always think I 'm mad or sad or rolling my eyes at them or snobby or SOMEthing , and I totally don 't even feel that way all the time . I think I roll my eyes because my eyes are dry . Well , sometimes it 's definitely intended but not ALWAYS . I don 't know . People just think I 'm … not happy or friendly . Oh , PS . I 've been so busy that I haven 't even watched Idol yet from this week ! Tuesday night 's , I mean . I kind of watched Wednesday . THAT RIGHT THERE IS EXTREME . Ugh for the Finance internship I found out I have a group interview on Wednesday . I do not want to do a group interview . Only this company does group ones ( that I know of ) and I could always say I can 't go ( just have to decide a day in advance ) because more interviews / opportunities for internships will be coming later . But then like , what if I don 't get an internship later ? And I regret not going to this one ? And what if it 's not that bad , and it 's probably a good experience for later on . I hate making decisions . I wish I had someone to make this one for me . Because I know I should go and I 've got nothing to lose , but I REALLY don 't want to . ugh . One , they 're so above everyone else and think they 're better than everyone . They think they 're the smartest people ever and the most morally correct people ever . And those types of people annoy me . Just be REAL , geez . Everything they do has to be soo PC and just " the right thing " and they totally judge other people constantly and you can FEEL it . Also they 're attached at the hip and even though they 're all about being nice and everything that goes along with that , they 're not so good at being inclusive and making other people feel good . They want to be , but they aren 't . In APUSH we got a practice test back . There are 80 multiple choice questions but our teacher just made it out of 50 because otherwise it would 've brought down people 's grades too much . And she went , " So for those of you who got more than 50 , you just got 50 in the gradebook . " And Elyse calls out , " We don 't get extra credit ? ! " Ugh just the way she said it and the fact that she said it , like she had to advertise the fact that she got more than 50 and she thinks she 's so smart . And I know that was the reason because she doesn 't even NEED extra credit . She has like a 98 % in that class and it will never go below that . In pre - calc … I have a B - for this quarter right now . But the quarter just started and we 've only had like 6 assignments . Four homeworks and two quizzes . On one of the quizzes I got a D ( = \ I need to make that up ) and the other an A - , so I guess it averages out out 80 % . Blah . That kinda sucks . In Chemistry I have an A and it 's going well and everything . I finally took the test that I missed while I was in Spain and handed in the packet , but I didn 't do the labs . So my quarter grade probably won 't be great , but it 's just a progress report so whatever . 4 . Various people kept coming in to ask for help or just TALK . PEOPLE , GO HOME . They didn 't even have to be there and they still were on a Friday after school ? ! 7 . They didn 't have to wait for me and I didn 't tell them to , but they did and it put pressure on me to hurry up because I was in there a LONG time . But then that pressure just made me work slower . I had a dentist / orthodontist ( they 're the same person for me ) appointment on Tuesday . I have no cavities , but I have to go in AGAIN ( and I HATE going there ) next Tuesday to get my retainer fixed or maybe a new one . God . Then I had an eye doctor appointment on Thursday and basically , I 'm blind . I wear Acuvue 2 contact lenses . And apparently , that brand doesn 't make the contact lenses strong enough for me . So we 're switching brands to another one that is allowed to make contacts for a higher prescription . GOD Why am I so messed up ? It 's funny and it 's not my fault but it 's just like , geez . I have the worst vision ever . Yesterday after school Marina came over and we talked and that was nice . Very nice . Then Lucy came and we talked some more , then we met Michelle and Charla downtown to see American Dreamz . It was okay . I mean it was funny but kind of ridiculous , but then again I didn 't expect it to be that good . Then we ( + Devon ) went back to Lucy 's and hung out . Fun . Charla gave me and Michelle a ride home . In the car we were talking about colleges ( always comes up ) and I just CAN ' T do that with Michelle . She is so clueless and it really annoys me when people think they know what they 're talking about but they really don 't . And people just get it into their heads that they want to go to Scripps or UCLA or Stanford JUST because they 've heard about those schools . They don 't know anything about them . I just can 't have those conversations with Michelle , it bugs me too much . And then after we dropped Michelle off , Charla told me that Eta was like , " Lucy won 't tell what she got on the SATs because she thinks she did bad . And neither will Corinne . " And Charla said , " Well I don 't think it 's because Corinne did bad , she just wants it to be private . " Charla knows that obviously but she couldn 't tell Eta that . And I don 't know … haha … is it weird that it just gives me some sort of satisfaction to be able to not tell Eta ? Because it does . It really does . Eta bothers meeee . And this entry has been almost completely about school . It takes over my life . In one week I will be done with AP tests and life will be better . Maybe ? I feel kind of blah right now and I don 't know why . Does this ever happen to anyone where you 're on myspace or something and you just get really … nostalgic ? I don 't know if that 's the right word . Kind of . I guess nostalgic because I was looking at this group of freshman girls ' myspaces and they just seemed so carefree and fun and simple . They haven 't hit AP classes or colleges or any of that stuff yet . There group hasn 't split up into little groups yet , they 're still all best friends . I just miss all that . Even though freshman year sucked so I don 't know what I 'm talking about . And this girl ( Lauren is the specific girl , and her group of friends . she is my old neighbor but we never talk anymore ) has / had a boyfriend … well I can 't tell if they still go out or not because both their pages say single , but there are pictures of them together and people commented with things saying they 're cute . And they comment on each others ' pages and end with " i love you " . So I don 't know . But just the fact that she has this guy she 's really close to and she has all these great friends and they seem really close and know each other really well and just get along , and they are a fun group of girls . I 'm just jealous . Not like bad jealous , I 'm happy for her but I wish my life could be more like that . And I want a boyfriend or something but only because I feel like I 'm missing out on that . I want to fall in love and have a relationship and all that stuff . I feel like every one else is experiencing this thing and I 'm just missing out . But 1 ) I 'm really feeling so uninspired when it comes to guys right now . I don 't like anyone AT ALL right now . British boy ? no . Tony ? noooo . Brent ? NOOOOO . And I don 't have anyone else in my mind that I would consider . and 2 ) even if I did like someone , it 's not like I would do anything about it . I 'm too shy . I didn 't study for APLA or APUSH at all today . I 'm really bad . God , I don 't even want to think about those or school or friends or anything . I want to drink . I haven 't since I was in Spain , and even there I never got like really drunk , just buzzed . Sooo I think next weekend , after the AP tests are OVER and Katherine will be home ( for her friend 's wedding ) … hmmmm … I think that needs to happen . I miss Spain . A lot . I miss being there . I miss the sun . I miss being close with the 7 or 8 other junior girls on the trip . I miss Nancy . I just want to go back ! And it made it suck to come back even more to have alll this shit to catch up on . I 've been so stressed this week . Still am … In APUSH we took a practice multiple choice one and I got 36 right , 23 wrong , and skipped 21 . The example she gave got 40 right and she said most of the class will be around there . So at least I 'm not that far from average . I think I 'll be better on the actual test because 1 ) I will have studied and 2 ) I won 't have been in Spain for 10 days , blocking US History out of my mind . Let 's seee . I saw Friends with Money . Love Jennifer . The movie was a bit strange , but I liked it . Even though it was depressing and kind of confirmed my views about love / marriage / life . So I don 't know . I read it pretty fast , for me ( slow reader , and busy doesn 't make for reading books very fast , or often anymore ) . Do you know when the last book I read for pleasure was ? Because I don 't . I think … oh … the Virgin Suicides in AUGUST . Geez . And I used to read so much . 😦 I hate you school for taking over my life . Just Listen was good . My favorite Sarah Dessen books , though , are still Dreamland , Keeping the Moon , and the Truth About Forever . I don 't know why , those are just my favorites . It was kind of like This Lullaby for me : good and everything , and I was into it , but I couldn 't always relate to it as much as the other books . It was cute though . Sometimes I wanted to SHAKE her , though . For not trying harder to stay friends with Clarke in 7th grade . For not telling someone about Will . For leaving Bendo that night ? What ? ! I didn 't even get why she would leave . She could 've just TOLD Owen and he would 've been understanding . I didn 't understand why she didn 't want to . I squealed when Wes and Macy , and then Dexter and Remy made an appearance ! I loved the Wes & Macy one more , though , because 1 ) I liked them better and 2 ) it was more subtle , so I felt more special when I caught it . Never did get the Boo one , though … Anyway , moving on . I 'm sick . 😦 So I didn 't do anything yesterday or today except homework , read Just Listen , watch Friends , etc . Oh , today I did some homework outside for two hours and got some sun ! Of course , it 's burn , but whatever . I don 't care , it 's something . Ah , 4 / 20 came and went on … Thursday was it ? yay for that . * sarcasm * I didn 't celebrate . This year it was SO different from last year . It was such a big deal last year ! Everyone was high all day , and everyone wanted to smoke so they could say they did or whatever . And I did " celebrate " last year . But not this year . I honestly just don 't care , plus I don 't like smoking anymore so … if it were a drinking holiday , it 'd be another thing ! Speaking of drinking though , I don 't even care about that as much as I used to . For now . Maybe my partying phase has moved on . It 's just that for the past year , if an opportunity to drink would come up , I would take it . And I did . But now , I won 't just drink ANYtime . Just when I feel like it , or when I think it 's going to be fun . I don 't know . I still like to drink , love it , I 'm just a little over always wanting to do it all the time . What else . Oh , Kristen is looking at apartments to move out . 😦 She annoys me and everything but I don 't want her to move out . I don 't want to be the only kid still left ! That 's going to be so depressing , so quiet around the house . And her and Dahlia are fighting , I think . She acts like they 're fine , but I know they had a little fight on Friday . And then , Kristen was here all day yesterday and all day today and Dahlia hasn 't been over at all . Which is RARE . She practically lives here , or so I thought . Which makes me sad , because Kristen is my connection to Dahlia , and if they aren 't as good of friends any more , when will I ever see Dahlia ? Or if Kristen moves out ? Dahlia better come visit me or something ! 😦 Their fight was something about how Dahlia doesn 't like Kristen going out all the time ( Dahlia isn 't 21 so she can 't go ) and wishes Kristen would be there for her more in a time like this , or something . Which … all of it might be a little dramatic , but I love Dahlia . I don 't think she 's doing anything intentional to be dramatic , it 's just how she feels . Had a test in pre - calc . I think it went well . I checked all my answers about 239 , 487 times , so I better have done well . In Chemistry we got our tests from last week back . It was the one where I wasn 't sure I was ready to take it , and I had my mom write me a note saying I could be excused from Chemistry in case I decided I wasn 't ready yet . But I ended up just going because I wanted to get it over with . And guess who got the highest grade in the class ? Can you believe that ? ! Me and Claire ( a girl in my class who is really smart and really nice ) tied for the highest score , an 87 % . So we set the curve . He added 12 % to everyone 's grade , so mine is 99 % now ! Yay , that made me really happy . In APUSH we got an in - class DBQ we wrote awhile ago back . I got a 6 ( out of 9 for the AP scale ) which is good . For that class , I usually consider a 6 good enough . If I get a 7 or an 8 I 'm really happy . And if I [ ever ] get a 9 , I 'd be … ecstatic . Below a 6 isn 't so good , and I was afraid I was going to get a 4 or a 5 , so I 'm happy with my 6 . She wrote some good constructive criticism on there too , so that 's good . Then we got our quizzes from last Friday back . I got 18 / 20 , which is good . But it made my grade in the class go DOWN . Because before this we had only had one test and I got 100 % on it , so my grade in the test / quiz category was 100 % . Now it 's … not . But I still have a good grade . Oh geez . So erm … Kristen went out to a bar last night . And my parents are out of town so it was just me home . It was scary . But I couldn 't sleep very well . Probably because I was stressed out and I hate being home alone at night . Especially at my house . We have these huge windows that cover up the whole wall in the family room . So if the lights are on inside and it 's dark outside , people can see in and I can 't see out . That just really creeps me out . I 'm always afraid a scary face is just going to pop up or something . I swear I should be like a scary - movie director , I think of the weirdest things when I 'm scared . Anyway , I kept waking up and looking out my window to see if she was home yet . Around 2 and again around 3 I kept waking up . She wasn 't home yet but I was thinking she would be soon because the bars close at 2 . Then I fell asleep until again until like 5 . I woke up and looked outside and she STILL wasn 't home . So then I got kind of worried . I just didn 't know where she was / why she wouldn 't call or something . I texted her but she didn 't respond . I couldn 't really go back to sleep which sucks . I got up at 6 : 15 to start getting ready and I called her and she didn 't answer or call back . And I told Dahlia too , who 's over right now but in the shower , and she had the same reaction as my mom . They both seem really disappointed in Kristen or something . I guess I understand that but I 'm not like mad at her . I got a D ( 9 / 15 ) on a pre - calc quiz I had to take last Friday . So that 's just GREAT . I still have an A in the class , but it 's a lower A now , and we have a huge test tomorrow so I have to do good on it . =\ But at least I got an 18 / 20 on my APUSH quiz . But it made my grade go DOWN , because before I had 100 % in the test / quiz category , and now I don 't . But I still have a really good grade for it being APUSH . She is still better than Ace , Bucky , and Kellie though ! THEY AREN ' T EVEN THAT GOOD . For Ace and Kellie , America is just voting on looks and that is not what it 's about . They aren 't even that good of singers and I 'm afraid they 're going to stay around way longer than they should . And for Bucky … America obviously isn 't voting on looks for him . But I actually do enjoy watching him , especially this week , I thought it was one of his best performances . But I don 't think he 's better than Lisa can be . I 'm kind of bored by AI . Not that the contestants aren 't good , because they are , and not that Paula hasn 't been … entertaining ( ? ) to watch … because she has … but I 'm just losing interest in general . Which makes me a little sad . Yesterday was my last day of tutoring . YAY . I liked it and it was a good experience and everything , but I just got sick of it . So I 'm done now . It went well , I think . It doesn 't matter for anything , just for practice . Except if they decide to hire an intern this summer and I apply , they might be more inclined to hire me because they knew me from before . Because it was a mock interview , she gave me critique . She said I did very well . She said I had good eye contact but drifted a little . Oh well . I don 't like to stare people down . And she also said I was playing with my hands , which I was . I hate stuff like this though … I don 't think it should matter . About my answers , she said they were good and thorough and everything . The only thing she said was sometimes she didn 't know what I was saying . I don 't know if she meant like I was mumbling or she didn 't know what my point was . Either way , she didn 't seem to think it was that big of a deal . I think it only happened on like one question . My mom 's out of town , and I miss her . 😦 She 's been gone so much recently . One week in February skiing , one - and - a - half week in March skiing , and now a half a week in Palm Springs for business . But after this she won 't be leaving for awhile , until like the end of May . I tried to have Kristen help me but she wasn 't very helpful . She would like answer one question I had and then walk away , assuming I didn 't have more to talk about but I did . I hate it when people do that . Also , yesterday Dahlia found out that her mom might have lung cancer . She went to the doctor because she kept coughing , and they found a mass in her lung that might be cancerous . I think she is going to find out on Friday ( tomorrow ) . Which also happens to be the anniversary of the day Dahlia 's brother died ( he was shot by the police ) . I had really mixed reactions about this . I obviously felt bad for her . What a week . What a LIFE , actually . So many bad things have happened to her and she has had such a hard life . It just doesn 't seem equal . Let 's see . Her dad isn 't around . Her older sister has been into drugs , and has a kid who is Dahlia 's age . So like , Dahlia 's sister and Dahlia 's mom were having babies at the same time . Both Dahlia 's sister and Dahlia 's mom are in a lot of debt and don 't really have steady jobs to live on . One of Dahlia 's brothers is in jail and has been for awhile now for stealing . Her other brother was shot by the police like 7 years ago and died . The police shot him by mistake though , they thought he was his roommate or something . So that trial is still going , and they 're still trying to get money from the police department for it . And now her mom might have lung cancer . And let 's see . What traumatic things have happened to me ? NOTHING . No one I 'm really close to has died yet , no one I know is in jail or in financial trouble or anything like that . My parents are divorced , but that 's it . And it was a pleasant enough divorce , and they get along . My dad and my step - dad even get along and chat when my dad stops by sometimes . I think it 's fine to feel bad for her . But then I started feeling self - centered and guilty for everything that I complain about , since I obviously don 't have much reason to complain when you look at my life compared to hers . But I was so stressed and tired and PMS - ing last night that I just wanted to complain and needed someone to talk to and complain to . And now I feel like I can 't ever complain in front of Dahlia because she 's probably thinking the same thing I 'm thinking , that I don 't have that hard of a life . And I just felt like I had no one to talk to and even if I had talked to anyone , I would have been complaining and I felt like that made me a bad person or something . I still kind of feel that way . I shouldn 't even be complaining about anything is how I feel but eh . It made me feel crappy . Which made me go in circles even more because it 's not me I should be feeling bad for . I don 't know ! ! Oh geez , Dahlia made the saddest comment . She was like , " My eyes hurt . " And Kristen asked why , and she said , " Crying . I 've done a lot of it this week . " Aww . 😦 😦 😦 I don 't know what to say to her . When people I know better tell me things like this , like when Marina used to call me crying at least once a week , I would know what to say because I knew her so well and felt more comfortable around her . I really like Dahlia but I don 't know her THAT well , I mean I 've only known her since like October . I just don 't know what to say when she brings that up . I doubt she wants that I - feel - sorry for you look , but what else can I do ? Not that she has really come to me or anything . She 's pretty private . But I mean when she just makes little comments like that , I don 't know what to say . Oh , I dropped my ipod on Monday . Which I had done before ( see ! This seems so trivial now ! ) but it had always been fine . But this time the screen broke pretty much . Only a quarter of the screen was visible , the rest was just blank . Like … frozen . It still played but I couldn 't see what was playing . But to put all my music on it , I had to download the newest version of iTunes . Which i did , but it needs quicktime to go with it , and whenever I try to download quicktime it won 't download and says there 's an error . So I can 't open itunes which means I can 't update my ipod and it 's frustrating . I don 't know what to do . This weekend … well , Kristen is going out of town for a brides - maids thing or something . So I 'm going to be home alone . Dahlia was going to come over tomorrow night and stay with me , but that was before the whole thing with her mom happened , so I don 't know where that stands now . If she doesn 't want to I totally understand , and I don 't want her to feel like she has to . I don 't want her to be here if she doesn 't want to be . I just feel all stressed out and I don 't know why . It 's not even about school . It 's about school and my friends and my family and just everything . I 'm not used to this . Every time I 'm stressed out it has to do with school and it 's something really … tangible . Like if I just do the work and get it over with , then I 'm not stressed out anymore . But this , there is like no reason really for me to be this stressed out so I don 't know what to do to make it go away . I just feel like … with my friends … I 'm really drifing apart from Eta and Michelle and Elyse . That 's not even the main thing though , I don 't know . I haven 't really talked talked to them in awhile , and haven 't hung out with them outside of school in … let 's see … Michelle : two weeks . Eta : well I saw her at the Showing on February 11th but we didn 't really hang out , so before that January 29th . Elyse : three weeks . ( I know these dates ' cause I 'm OCD like that and I write down everything I do on my calendar … ) THAT IS JUST TOO LONG . Especially for Eta . Almost two months ? ! ? ! ? I feel like I can hardly consider her one of my good friends any more . I could hang out with Eta tonight , ' cause we were texting earlier about how we want to but she 's another friend 's . And Michelle is maybe having people over , and Marina is supposed to call me about that but she hasn 't . Plus I think I 'm watching a movie with Katherine ' cause it 's her last night . And I 'm just getting really sick of Vanni . And not of them , but of hanging out with Marina Lucy Devon and Brent all the time . I love them , but yeah . Vanni 's just … confusing and seems so premeditated sometimes and I don 't know . I 'm just sick of her . I need to like , not hang out with her at all until Spain so that I can take her . And Kristen … god . Today for my mom 's birthday celebration , well Kristen was at her friend 's wedding earlier so she came home and was DRUNK and so annoying . I kept laughing at her and rolling my eyes and making fun of her , because EVERYone was , how could you not ? ? And she was all , " Corinne ! Don 't make fun of me or I 'll tell ALL YOUR SECRETS ! " GOD . She 's just so annoying when she 's drunk and I 'm not ( LOL ) . I just couldn 't stand her . I 'm just really … BLAH right now . I don 't know why . It feels like everything is just piling up and it probably isn 't even that bad but it 's the mood I 'm in . PMS maybe . That 's another thing , I can 't really talk to my mom anymore . I can 't tell her about half the things going on my in my life if they have to do with drinking . So that sucks . I want to talk to her right now … but I don 't know . I feel weird . And like I was saying last entry I really want a boyfriend . I feel pathetic that I 've never had one . I feel like Marina and Fer and Vanni are all gonna be talking about boy stuff and not want to include me or something . And at least Elyse and Michelle and Eta are in the same boat as me , but at least Elyse and Michelle are / have been CLOSE to having boyfriends , like they 've had " things " with guys or whatever . Eh I don 't know . Did I mention Vanni and Matt had sex ? Well they did . Oh she hasn 't told me though . GREAT ! I 'm so glad she feels like she can talk to me . It 's about time though because they 've gone out for over a frickin ' year . She didn 't tell me OR Marina , she told Brent of all people who told Marina who told me . It 's just insulting that Vanni doesn 't feel like she can tell me stuff . Vanni is getting a bit too intense to take . Me and Marina , and me and Fer were both talking about her . Not like in a bad way , just how she can be kind of intense . We still love her and everything , but yeah . She 's just a lot first thing in the morning . In pre - calc we had a quiz , and this ALWAYS happens to me and it 's so annoying ! I always take the quiz and think I did fine and then when I 'm talking about it with people later I realize I did a few problems wrong . And they 're only out of 10 or 15 or 20 usually ( 15 this time ) so I can 't afford to miss many to still get an A ! I think I could get 13 or 14 out of 15 this time , which is still good . At lunch me and Fer always have these heart - to - heart talks . 🙂 I love it . She 's getting really easy to talk to . and I 'm getting really comfortable around her . Lately I 've noticed about myself that every time people don 't open up to me or like to tell me things or anything , it bothers me . Like how Vanni never tells me anything , and Kristen . And I want to be here for Dahlia but I don 't know how . I don 't know if I 've just gotten used to being a person people come to talk to or what . And I just like having that role , and people trusting me . So I wish Kristen and Vanni and other people would do that , too . About how I was saying I want to be here for Dahlia … well , I don 't know what 's wrong with her really but I was reading Kirsten 's texts ( I know I 'm a bad person = \ ) and she had some from Dahlia just talking about how Dahlia is stressed out lately and nothing is stopping it . And she doesn 't feel connected or something , and she doesn 't want to talk to anyone . I don 't know just all this stuff . I want to be here for her if she wants but I don 't really know how to let her know . I probably just won 't do anything . And the anniversary of her brother 's death is coming up on the 31st , so that 's always sad . Then in TA I spent the whole time looking up places we 're going in Spain . I ' M JUST SO EXCITED . I haven 't looked up our other hotels yet but I will … I just looked at like what temperatures are in Spain this time of year ( I think like 70s ) and some of the touristy places we 're going . ahhh two weeks from today ! ! ! Then after school I hung out with Marina , Lucy , Devon , Brent , and Vanni . It 's like the group now . Brent brought his motorcycle here and showed us … it 's cool I guess ? But I 'm not gonna pretend to know anything about motorcycles . By the way I don 't like Brent . I decided . Just to let you know . I do really want a boyfriend but I feel like there 's no options . Usually I 'm complaining ( or feeling sad ) about how the guy I like doesn 't like me or something . But right now there isn 't even anyone I WANT to like . So I don 't know … Then me and Marina went downtown and everyone else did other stuff . No one hangs out anymore . But me and Marina talked and everything and it was good .
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On Monday , the Wall Street Journal ( look at me , linking to a real publication instead of a Strongbad email ) had an article about doctors misdiagnosing type 1 diabetes in adults . I posted a link to the article , called " Wrong Call : The Trouble Diagnosing Diabetes , " on my Facebook page and received several comments from people who went through a similar misdiagnosis . They have offered to share some of their story here , and I 'm hopeful that their words will help someone else in a similar situation . The Initial Symptoms . Jessica , diagnosed at age 26 , was already familiar with type 1 diabetes . " My diagnosis story actually begins with my husband , diagnosed with type 1 on his 21st birthday . Fortunately he was diagnosed correctly and quickly , and we were able to get him all of the help he needed . " She described hitting a wall of thirst and exhaustion that set in when her son was nine months old . " These symptoms continued for about a week , and mostly only bothered me at night . During the day , although I was tired , I wasn 't going to the bathroom constantly or super thirsty . " Lindsay had a similar experience , just before she turned 27 . " I was just a few weeks shy of my 27th birthday . I had been sick a long time with weight loss , hair loss , you name it . I ended up with intense upper GI pain that couldn 't be ignored , so my mom took me to the ER where the symptoms were investigated with an ultrasound , blood work , etc . The doctor came back to report that I had ' viral gastritis , likely due to your increased blood glucose level , which is 277 . Now , because of your age , you 'll be considered a type 2 . ' Love that one , eh ? ? My mom and I sat stunned ; my dad had JUST been diagnosed with type 2 three weeks before . " Sarah also sang the same symptoms tune : " The morning of February 22 , 2007 I woke up and with diabetes without a doubt in my mind . I had nearly every symptom there was - constant thirst , frequent urination , fatigue . I had the works and I knew it . I had a yearly physical coming up about three weeks after this and decided to wait untiComments I have a good friend who was diagnosed with T1 at age 56 . They initially diagnosed her as T2 , but the meds didn 't work . She finally got fed up and asked for a referral to an endo . They quickly diagnosed her as T2 . I taught her about T1 . In turn , she was the one who suggested that I start pumping and helped me through that ! It would be interesting to see the statistics of how many people are actually misdiagnosed as T2 first . . . The type 1 in me says " Check their antibodies for goodness sake ! " . The nurse in me says " if it looks like a horse , and sounds like a horse , don 't call it a zebra " . Posted by : my best friend was also misdiagnosed as an adult . . because she was 27 at the time , and admittedly had a sweet tooth ( though she had a healthy weight ) , they diagnosed her T2 . she lost 30 lbs in one month , had hair falling out , felt like she had the flu all the time , massive vomiting . but the time she was properly diagnosed . . in the ER , in DKA , she was so sick , so weak . i 'm so sad she had to go through all of that . my son was diagnosed T1 six months later . I can 't help thinking . . . . this " virus " they think is some random thing that happens to confuse your immune system and is the spark that brings on Type 1 . . . . could it be a literal specific " I cause Type 1 diabetes virus " ? And be " catching " ? Type 1 just seems SO prevalent now , among kids as well as adults . People like me get it with NO family history . . . but my first boyfriend 's family was riddled with Type 1 - his older brother got it at age 9 , his grandfather had it , etc . I was obviously in intimate contact with my boyfriend for several years , then I get Type 1 at age 21 . He then was diagnosed with Type 1 at age 30 . Now his daughter was diagnosed at age 7 . It 's creepy weird . Posted by : I didn 't realize that hair loss was a symptom of type 1 . Does anyone know if that makes Type 1 patients more like to experience more hair falling out with high sugar or just in general ? ? ? Posted by : Very similar story for me also . Seven years ago when I was 48 I had all the symptom , thirst , blurry vision , tired and sleep , excessive urination , and a 30 lb weight loss but I was eating everything in sight . I went to my dr who said I had diabetes and sent me to an Endo . The Endo didn 't do any blood work or test . Because of my age he said it was type 2 and sent me home with a meter and metformin . For two weeks I felt horrible my bg stayed in the 300 - 400 range . My primary dr called to check on me and tell me the results on the a1c on the day I saw him it was 14 . 1 he wanted to see how I was adjusting . When I told him what the Endo had put me on he was furious because he said it was obvious I had type 1 or LADA The problem , to me , is not only is this the story of a few people with type 1 wrongly diagnosed as type 2 - it is the very typical story of the poor treatment of type 2 diabetes . Far too often there is little or no information given to a newly diagnosed type 2 , often no blood sugar monitoring , no diabetic education or referral to a CDE and almost certainly no referral to an endo . All diagnoses of diabetes ought to be taken seriously . Yes , they really ought to be sure whether it 's type 1 or 2 but also , if it is type 2 there are options such as using insulin to get those scary high blood sugars down fast . I had to fight to get information on my own and plead for a referral to a CDE and nutritionist . A few months later when my dad was diagnosed , he was told to " take these pills and don 't eat white bread " - he wasn 't even given a glucometer . I don 't know , perhaps it 's fair for a primary care physician to assume an adult with diabetic symptoms is type 2 - but even if that assumption is correct , there needs to be a much higher standard of care for the newly diagnosed . Son is a T1 , diagnosed at age 7 . Didn 't present as T1 kids usually do , so our pediatrician thought he probably had meningitis . Pediatrician called ER doc to tell her we were on our way via ambulance . ER doc had recently had 3 kids present with T1 in a similar fashion , so she said , " Do me a favor ; check a sugar . " 481 mg / dL + admission pH of 6 . 91 , positive antibodies . Diagnosis : T1 in DKA Posted by : Kerri , thanks for bringing us these stories . Mine is similar : diagnosed at 28 , by the 3rd doctor I had seen in a little under two months . Many of the same symptoms : thirst , weight loss , fatigue . That was 21 years ago . I know I was out of the norm for type 1 then , but you 'd think the protocol for diagnosis would change at least somewhat after all these years . Thanks I was lucky . Though I was misdiagnosed , I had a LOOONG honeymoon period before I actually needed mealtime insulin ( about 2 years ) . And I had SOME knowledge of diabetes ( my brother had developed T1 at 12 ) . I was still blindsided by the second realization , because no one told me I could be T1 and use oral meds for a while . Something strange IS going on that more and more people are developing T1 later in life . I was at a sports and diabetes monthly meeting and the speaker asked for hands about what decade we were diagnosed . She got up to the fifth decade and was about to stop when I and the lady I 'd just met said , " keep going " because I 'd heard when she was diagnosed with T1 : 68 ! I think that so often LADA ( Latent Autoimmunie Diabetes in Adults ) ( or sometimes type 1 . 5 ) is misdiagnosed ! ! My father was diagnosed when he was 29 , and I was diagnosed at 26 - but Type 1 , but it wasn 't until adulthood . Thank God for a good endocronologist that actually ran the bloodwork instead of just looking at my numbers and telling me I was " pre - diabetes " or " type 2 " Posted by : This is so scary to me on so many levels . I hear so many folks with T2 saying that no matter what they do they aren 't able to get their bg under control . I always wonder if they 've been misdiagnosed . It upsets me that people are being sent home with ridiculously high bg readings and told nothing about what to do about it , when in reality they might need insulin . The other thing that is so scary to me is that too many people with T2 are given NO information . The fact that they don 't require insulin means that their condition is minimized to a dangerous point . Lindsay 's experience says it all , when they thought she had T2 it was " you can never wear sandals again " with no instructions on how to even use the meter ! But when her dx was changed ( thank goodness ) she finally received some help . Scary and so wrong . Thanks for this eye - opening post . Count us among the lucky who received the correct dx ; my husband was correctly diagnosed as a T1 as an adult . But this story , along with yesterday 's news that Dr . Faustman 's TB drug testing shows promise for treating T1s but she can 't get funding for the necessary human studies because the drug is widely available , cheap , and generic so there is no money in developing it , and it 's a one - two punch of news for T1s . Also , holy run - on sentence , sorry ! I can 't remember if links are a no - no here , so I 'll just note that the piece was on Bloomberg News yesterday . Posted by : Any one of these stories could have been written by me ! I was diagnosed as a T1 at 31 . A year before , I was diagnosed as Type 2 . My mom has Type 2 . So there 's that genetic connection that lead them to believe because my mom had T2 , so would I . But after eating almost no carbs and exercising every day for 2 hours for a couple months I couldn 't keep my BS in control . On to Metformin . That worked for about a couple months . Then it didn 't . On to Glipizide . Worked for a couple months . Then I constantly saw 300s , lost 45lbs and constantly sick to my stomach . I was at my wits end . The worst part is I was seeing an endo for my Type 2 . Finally , he said he believed I was a T1 and put me on insulin . He did the blood work . Sure enough , it all came back as T1 . I didn 't care what I had as long as I felt better . And I did . The day after I started insulin , I realized exactly HOW bad I had felt . Thanks for bringing this article to light . It makes me feel good to know that I 'm not the only one who went through this . I feel like you 've found a whole new group within the DOC . Thanks for putting real faces and stories to the WSJ article Kerri ! Posted by : Thanks god my endo knew what he was doing . I had seen him for the past 10 years for thyroid issues . But when my blood sugar showed up at almost 500 he couldn 't believe it . First thing he checked was antibodies . Age 41 confirmed diagnosis of T1 . . . we were all shocked . Even though I have a neice with T1 and knew all the symptoms I came up with every excuse in the book to go along with my very obvious symptoms ( exhausted , weight loss , running to the bathroom a lot , and thirsty ) . In the end I 've accepted it and diabetes fits perfectly in with my life thanks to the pump : ) My own story is a bit different . People keep commenting that I was misdiagnosed and I am quick to correct them . I became labelled an insulin dependant type 1 . 5 or LADA in June of 2012 , but don 't consider my Type 2 diagnosis at the age of 30 in Aug 2011 a " misdiagnosis " . Diabetes is a progressive disease . Oral meds and diet and exercise did work for me for about 4 - 5 months during the ' honeymoon ' phase . My doctors treated my symtoms . We switched to oral meds and basal insulin for a bit , and now have moved on to basal / bolus . Antibodies testing did confirm autoimmune diabetes , but really that didn 't change anything for me . I did have uncontrolled high blood sugar and subsequently lost about 10 lbs in 2 weeks right before the switch to insulin . But my endo saw me immediately and rectified the situation . Posted by : Interesting . I just had a conversation with my endo about this as my dad was recently diagnosed as a Type 2 and has now started taking insulin . He was given the same instructions as many others - " don 't eat white bread and take this medication . " Was not even told to check his blood sugar . He finally got a meter and had to ask me how to use it . Why wasn 't the doctor showing him or sending him to a CDE and referring him to an endo ? He won 't listen to me , of course - never mind that I 've had Type 1 for 23 years ! It 's frustrating that the Type 2 care is often so poor . I also keep wondering if he does have the Type 1 antibodies and that 's what was passed on to me - we originally thought no one in our family line had diabetes . I guess I am lucky that my primary care physician took the time to order the C Peptide test . I was just diagnosed 3 months ago at 28 ( my A1C was over 14 and my fasting BG was 396 ) , and my doctor was great about getting me a referral to the endo and in to see the nutritionist . My health care plan also contacted me about disease managment ( they call people with chronic diseases and you can speak to a nurse and ask him / her questions , etc . ) My daughter recently went to a week long overnight camp in Texas for T1 kids . One of her Med Staff - a 60 year old woman - had this ( told she was T2 but really was T1 ) happen to her this past year . She was misdiagnosed for months before her doctor noticed their mistake . My dad 's doctor diagnosed him with T2 a few years ago , BUT did not tell him for 6 months . When the results came back , he did not bother to call my dad with them . He found out at his next appointment . Posted by : This is totally my story as well ! ! I was diagnosed in the emergency room as T2 , even though I presented with an A1c of 12 and every possible symptom in the book . I 'm also an athlete and eat a very clean diet . My endo figured out very quickly that I 'm actually T1 , but I 'm still so angry with the emergency room personell . Mostly because they insinuated that I ate too much sugar and that if I was T1 , my " breath would smell sweet . " Really ? That 's how t1 is diagnosed these days ? The whole thing was infuriating . I left the emergency room with a bottle of metformin and NO education . No meter , no nothing . I went on to eat lunch and my blood sugar soared to over 500 . The whole experience made me so angry for a whole host of reasons , including the fact they tried to shame me for the diet they assumed I had . NO person with diabetes should ever be told what I was told that day , especially not one that had just been diagnosed . The lack of compassion was astounding . My story is similar , but took a lot longer . From my diagnosis of Type 2 two days before my 29th birthday , until my confirmed Type 1 diagnosis , it was 2 months shy of 6 years ( yes years ) . After losing 50lbs in about 2 months , I made an appt with my regular CFNP . I had an A1C of 11 . 2 and a morning bg of 511 . She called in a scrip of Metformin for me and said to eat no more than 45 - 60carbs per meal , and gave me a small booklet on how to count carbs . After about 6 - 9 months of my levels still not coming down , I was happy if it was below 300 , my CFNP put me on Lantus as well . That helped . . . a little . After 2 years of busting my butt , I was done with her when I called in one time and said that something had to give because no matter what I did I could rarely get below 200 . She told me , " You just have to watch what you eat better . " New doctor did put me on Humalog as well , but didn 't correct the diagnosis , even though I asked what was the possibility of me being misdiagnosed . He said that the group ( one MAJOR downfall of all doctors in an area working for one organization ) didn 't like to second guess each other , and that he had never heard of Type 1 being misdiagnosed as Type 2 . I stayed with him for nearly 4 years , because I did finally see improvement with the addition of Humalog . But when I asked for a pump he said he didn 't know enough about them to help me and referred me to the Diabetes clinic to meet with an endo . The endo actually practiced out of state and came up once a month . When I first saw him , he asked me a couple questions , looked at my records and said , " They told you you were type 2 ? Well , they were WRONG . " My insurance required a diagnosis of Type 1 to approve a pump . Lab work was ordered , and results came back confirming Type 1 . Many would ask me why did I wait and deal with it for so long . I can only say , that when things work a little you hope that if you are better they will begin to work better . The feeling of failure , I admit , was the worst of it all . The relief of being told . . ' You were right ' , Posted by : My husband Bob nearly had a similar experience ( we are Brits so this was in London , where we were living at the time ) . He was diagnosed aged 31 . He had flu , followed shortly by the usual diabetes symptoms . He left it for 2 weeks , thinking it was post - viral syndrome - we knew nothing about diabetes at the time . I dragged him to the hospital when he had lost about 20kg and could literally barely stand up any longer ; when we got there , the nurses immediately tested his urine and BG , and he showed extremely high readings . The elderly doctor , obviously trained in the 1960s or something , gave us a long lecture on healthy eating , too much MacDonalds food , binge - drinking , no exercise , sedentary lifestyle , obesity , etc . and diagnosed early - onset type 2 . He then ( thankfully ) ordered an HBA1C test . That came back at 5 or 6 or something - too low for a type 2 diagnosis , we were told . The doctor looked very sheepish and asked if Bob had recently been ill . Yes , I said - he had flu . The diagnosis was very quickly changed to type 1 and Bob was given insulin . Within 10 minutes he was sitting up and within 30 minutes he was eating a cheese sandwich and cheerfully asking if he could still have his stag night ( we were about to get married in a couple of months ) . It was the HBA1C that saved him from a wrong diagnosis , as far as I can tell . Posted by : Jessica said , " It 's obviously a real and growing problem , and while our healthcare professionals are trained to see the signs in childhood , they aren 't seeing it in adults . " Unfortunately they don 't diagnosis it so well in children either . I know of lots of cases of missing the mark for kids too . Although I also agree with a previous comment , the lack of education out there about type 2 and how to live with it is truly pathetic . When my daughter was first diagnosed T1 , I didn 't want to hear about T2 at all but now I feel really angry at the lack of knowledge ( including the people who should know better , like medical professionals ) about how to effectively live with T2 . The lack of training that T2 folks get blows my mind ! ! I share a similar story , misdiagnosed as Type 2 at age 27 . No need to go into detail because it 's pretty much the same story . In part , I am comforted to know that others can sympathize with me , but another part of me is a bit freaked out that there are so many others like me . Similar story . I have a T2 diagnosis on paper , but I am IA2 antibody positive . Currently pumping and Dexcom and without fight from my awesome insurance company . Because of this I have not fought to have my endo change my diagnosis on paper when in reality I am probably a LADA . I figured I am getting the proper treatment regardless . Posted by : I was misdiagnosed too ( http : / / momentsofwonderful . com / diagnosis - story / ) . Sometimes I wonder why I never got online to research what was going on ( since I spend so much time there now ) but I trusted that the doctors knew what they were talking about . Posted by : It 's posts like this that make me wonder if I might have diabetes , after all . In March of 2009 , about three weeks before my mother died , my brand - new endocrinologist ( who I was seeing for a thyroid issue ) diagnosed me with reactive hypoglycemia . I knew the symptoms well because my father had it , and I 'd known I had it for a few years , despite the lack of a diagnosis from my first endocrinologist . I had the occasional low , lots of migraines , and no highs for about eight months . It took that long for me to get my blood sugar and eating habits under control enough to avoid the migraines . But then I started to get highs , always about a week before my period ( sorry to all the men out there ) . My endocrinologist assured me that it was just hormones and it was okay . I called him several times about this problem and we spoke about it at every appointment , but my diagnosis was never changed and my treatment of " diet , exercise , and lots of water " didn 't change , either . During the time I filled out college applications , I had stubborn low blood sugars that wouldn 't go away for hours , sometimes more . It was labeled as stress and I got Precose until it stopped . I think it was my first year of college that I started paying more attention . That was the year I moved from testing roughly 5 times a day to ten or more . That was the year I realized I don 't feel low blood sugars , and the migraines are from when my body brings it back up . That was the year I saw my first 180 , which scared the absolute hell out of me . Last year , my sophomore year in college , everything went to hell . There were days / weeks when I was scared to look at a carb , lest my blood sugar rise . I was waking up in the 90 's as opposed to the 70 's ( not bad , I know , but different than what I expected it to be ) , I stopped seeing low blood sugars , I stopped having rebound lows after I was high . The day I hit 208 2 hours after whole wheat pizza was the day I had enough . I was put on Januvia until I stopped taking the inhaled steroids I 'd been prescribed for my " asthma " ( wPosted by : These stories are making me feel so lucky that I was 18 at diagnosis . In the ER I had a nurse make the offhand comment that I " just slipped in under the wire for ajuvenile diabetes " diagnosis . So if I had been 19 he would have assumed Type 2 despite my BG at 750 + , obvious DKA , etc . ? Or maybe if I was 19 I would have magically been Type 2 instead of 1 . ; ) So strange , the emphasis on age at diagnosis instead of actual symptoms , C - peptide levels . I wonder who writes the diabetes curriculum for med school ; something is off there . Thanks for this message , Kerri ! ! I have read about type 1 diabetics being diagnosed when they were in their 80s . It is not so unusual . Organ failure can occur at any age , due to so many reasons . A pancreas can stop producing insulin irregardless of the age involved . So why would doctors think it would happen only with the young ? I am a T1D who works in an endo 's office . This is shockingly common , we see someone like this almost every week . So common , we get a c - peptide on anyone who just doesn 't " sound right " I begged my GP for a referral to an Endocrinologist and he laughed in my face sarcastically saying " An Endo isn 't going to tell you anything I can 't tell you . " Fortunately I realized I needed help because of my weight loss , constant thirst and continual trips to the bathroom . When I finally found an Endo who did the proper tests and then told me I was Type 1 , I was actually relieved to be taking insulin . Two things really stand out in this account , though : First , Jessica 's statement that " we trust our doctors . . . because we are scared , and they know more than us " . Its a real shame that , at our most vulnerable , we need to trust these medical professionals who don 't do their due dilligence in making a diagnosis . Second , one of the above comments which laments the treatment of Type 2 's who are CORRECTLY diagnosed . The instructions are vague and incomplete , then they 're kicked to the curb ready to fend for themselves . Excellent post , Kerri ! Type I is all over my family . When I was surprised to learn , about 10 years ago , that my aunt had been diagnosed with Type I at age 75 , my endocrinologist told me it can be diagnosed at any age at all . Fortunately , she knows her stuff , but it is obvious many doctors don 't . I 'm glad a big newspaper like the WSJ covered this issue , since it is so widely read . Also , for anyone who doesn 't know ballerina Zippora Karz 's misdiagnosis story , get her book , entitled " Sugarless Plum . " My story is so similar to these , dx by Gyno and referred to pcp . . . he was more ignorant of D than me . He treated me like I was 80 years old and just needed to " make it " a few more years . . . I was 24 , he told me no strenuos activities , gave me some complicated diet I couldn 't follow , a rx for metformin , and told me not to get pregnant . 6 months later I demanded a referral to an endo who knew what he was doing . PCP said he was insulted . I 'm sorry about his feelings , but my health is more important . 15 years later my a1c is usually 6 or less and I have two beautiful , healthy kids . Thank god I didn 't stick around so the pcp could make the situation worse . There needs to be more education on T1 and docs need to realize that not every person who has constant thirst and frequent urination has T2 " diabeetus " like Mr . Wilford Brumlee . Posted by : I was misdiagnosed as a Type 2 when I was 21 years old . I had lost 12 pounds ( NOT trying to - was rail think to begin with ) prior to the Type 2 diagnosis , my mouth was so dry my tongue would stick to the roof of my mouth without a refreshing drink of soda ( oops ) , I was peeing every 22 minutes ( if I tried really hard to hold it ) , and my blood sugar was 336 when checked by the doctor . But nope , I was put on Metformin . Started insulin a few months later . Ironically , I was diagnosed on Halloween , the holiday of sugary candy . : ) Thank you for sharing this - - when I had onset , the PA in the emergency room told us that it had to be Type 2 because " people in their 20 's don 't get Type 1 . " My mother was diagnosed at age 36 . They sent me home that same night with no instructions , no medication , just orders to see my primary care physician in the morning . Even the PCP didn 't want to believe that I had Type 1 - - it took a week of Metformin and still no results , not to mention a lot of begging , for them to agree to prescribe me the insulin that I obviously so desperately needed . One pivotal moment was when my endo called to discuss my very first lab results , and said , " Your antibodies are really high . I don 't know what that PA was talking about ; there is not doubt that you are a Type 1 . Good for you that you trusted your instincts and kept pushing , " I still have that results sheet . I keep it with the paperwork detailing my diagnosis . And like Sarah described in her personal experience , that first shot of Lantus was like a huge sigh - - I felt amazing , more alive , more like myself . I think the problem with this trend of misdiagnosis is because it seems as though adult cases of Type 1 manifest in a slower , more pervasive fashion than juvenile cases . Just as there isn 't a lot of information out there for newly diagnosed adults , I don 't think the medical community is taking adult cases as seriously as they should be . It 's almost as though they are looking at them as isolated incidents and , judging simply by the amount of comments on this post , that is clearly not the case . Yet another reason why it 's wonderful to have something like the DOC at our disposal - - no one can give light to our experiences better than we can . Thanks again for keeping the discussion going ! : ) I just wanted to say it 's not just adults who are misdiagnosed . My son was 2 at diagnosis . It took two months to get the diagnosis of type 1 diabetes . By that time his blood sugar was over 1000 and the doctor that diagnosed him told me later she thought we were going to lose him . His medical records during that time even list an asthma diagnosis even though he was never treated for asthma and never had breathing problems . I didn 't understand until years later how rare type 1 actually is . Posted by : This story is a mirror of my story ! I was misdiagnosed , and quite honestly , I don 't remember much of the month and a half between the first ( incorrect ) diagnosis of T2 at the ER to the correct diagnosis of T1 at the Diabetes Clinic . I was in the 500s . I was 30 , and I think I 'm still slightly in shock about it all . I 'm working on a blog post for my blog about my experience , but it 's great to hear other people 's stories , although I 'm sick for anyone who has to deal with diabetes . My story is this : Mom took me to the doc in fifth grade , thinking I was T1 as I had all the symptoms . As she and my dad worked minimum wage jobs , and had no insurance , this was a big deal . My BG was over 300 , but the doc decided I was lying about not having breakfast , as I seemed confused . lots of health issues and 30 years later , diagnosed as T1 after going to the ER in at total ketone breakdown . Gotta love the US health system ! Wow , I 'm just " mildly " misdiagnosed . . . At 19 , in October , for a general medical test at my doctor 's he found a high sugar count in my urine sample . He suspected type 1 and sent me of to an endo for proper assesment ( I was thin , underweight but very active so I blamed that , peed an awful lot , but also drank a lot of beer at the time ) . Anyway , endo diagnosed me as type 2 based on age . . . diet ( no white bread etc . ) , strange enough two weeks later I presented with an even higher BS , ok , we 'll put you on a tablet ( whatever was hip at that time ) and come back in the new year . Woopsy daisy , in January I presented with unmeasurable BS . And was put on one shot of long acting . I think it took about two more unneccesary glucosesyrup sucking ( or did the glucosesyrup suck ? ) tests for the endo to admit I was type 1 and put me on a mix and insulatard , I changed hospitals shortly afterwards and went on to MDI rapidly after doing a lot of online research ( on usenet , back in the days . . . ) I am also one of the misdiagnosed . One of the interesting things about the WSJ article was the comments , including a comment from Kelly Rawlings , editor of ADA 's Diabetes Forecast . She complains in her comment that about 15 % of Type 2s are not overweight / obese , so Type 2 should not be labeled a disease of obesity . What Rawlings completely fails to realize is that the WSJ article is about MISDIAGNOSIS , and those 15 % " thin Type 2s " are most likely misdiagnosed Type 1s . Until organizations like ADA recognize the crisis of misdiagnosis , and recognize the magnitude of adult - onset Type 1 , we will continue to have the tragedy of misdiagnosis . I was diagnosed July 2012 as T2 , at age 26 and about 30 lbs overweight . I pushed my doctor for an endo referral , which I got ( reluctantly ) . Endo also thought T2 until I pushed for definitive bloodwork . Of course it came back with skyhigh antibodies across the board , and a barely - there c - peptide . I was fortunate enough to receive my correct T1 diagnosis in September 2012 and am now anxiously awaiting the arrival of my insulin pump ! It is scary to think that when we put all of our trust in healthcare professionals , that things can go so wrong . I get upset when my BG goes above 180 , and I can 't imagine going another week , month with out of control sugars . In this day and age , being a savvy consumer is key - and that includes consuming healthcare . quickest you may intercept to note out . Carve up of that 's attributed to the actuality that your commendation telling score obscurity inconspicuous is perfectly not referenced benefit of these expeditious monetary loans . Why ought to it be in any case ? Instantly before long after all , these [ url = http : / / cashadvusa . org # cash - advances ] cash advance [ / url ] What is high - mindedness regarding these advances in the monthly compensation is that you can pass on against your liable from your employer finished with the monthly income that you receive . Perhaps your manager or your boss last wishes as upright withdraw from your monthly salary or there 'll be everybody Duration of use of Clomid : Damn near 75 % of females , who use Clomid , fabricate within 4 to 6 months of starting the treatment . It is a dialect right effectual panacea and has a greatly accomplished good fortune rating in anovulatory females . Anyhow , if the female does not http : / / clomidmeds . org # clomid or primeval 40 's . And there are a whole batch of stories that talk of Clomid success .
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One of the interns was in my office for the first time one day . He looked around , laughed and said , " Wow , Dr . Manning ! You sure have a lot of flair up in here ! " Flair ? You know flair , like in that hilarious movie " Office Space " when Jennifer Anniston was told that she didn 't have on enough flair ? You know - - the part where she had on a mere fifteen pieces of flair ( which is the minimum ) when her coworker had on a whopping thirty - seven pieces and " a great smile ? " Yeah . Like that . Flair . The more I think about it , the more I realize that that intern was right . I do have a lot of flair up in here . But like that manager at Chotchkie 's told Jennifer Anniston - - Flair is about fun , people . Fun . Oh yeah - - it 's also about expressing yourself . Hey - - and you DO want to express yourself , don 't you ? This week 's top ten is devoted to my office flair . Today , I bring you the top ten pieces of flair in and around my office at good ol ' Grady . I got these guys during my chief year back in 2001 . I secretly think all chief residents should have this little sculpture in their office . I am now trying to figure out how to get one for my house since Isaiah and Zachary seem to never admit to seeing , hearing or speaking evil . The teddy bear was a Christmas gift a few years back from Fox 5 Good Day Atlanta . The Whitney wig came from the year Harry and I went to a Halloween party as Bobby and Whitney . ( That was Harry 's compromise after turning down my first request to be Flavor Flav and New York . ) The tiara was given to me by one of my ward teams . I think I sent them a page one day and signed it " Queen Manning . " They called me that all month and gave me the tiara on the last day ( which I wore all day on rounds . ) Seeing my favorite cards from students and residents perched on my blinds every day puts a smile on my face . I pull them down and read them when I 'm having a bad day . It always cheers me up . # 7 - My Jim Crow Sign . I bought this at an antique flea market in my dad 's hometown of Birmingham , Alabama . Seeing it reminds me of how blessed I am to have been born when I was born . It 's so hard to believe that my own father spent his formative years abiding by signs like this one . Maybe it was this one . Confession : This isn 't the whole collection . I have all kinds of random elephants in my office . I 'm a Delta girl , so of course I have elephants . But they 're also good luck , so that 's another great reason to have them . I like the energy they bring to my office . I also like that many were given to me by special students and residents that have worked with me . # 5 - Random Artwork . I designed this t - shirt when I was a second year medical student . We sold these and wore them for our annual community day of service . All of us med students walked from our campus to a nearby housing project and signed up over one hundred kids for a day of fun and education . We worked hard , solicited sponsors and donations and did a whole lot of planning between classes and exams . A few weeks later we all came back to escort them over to our school for a fun - filled day . Man , it was awesome and we were so proud of ourselves . It remains one of my fondest memories from my years as a medical student . That shirt inspires me . That 's why I keep it in my office . Since opening its doors in 1876 , no single institution has educated more African - American physicians and dentists in the world than Meharry Medical College . Meet a doctor or a dentist that 's older than sixty ? Chances are he or she probably went to Meharry . Seeing that little cartoon guy that I scribbled on a piece of notebook paper for this silk screen way back in 1994 reminds me of this . Every single day . This picture of Isaiah was taken when he was only six weeks old . No exaggeration . We should have known then that he 'd be an old soul . I have a wallet size version of this taped to my computer monitor . Every time I look at it I smile and fall in love all over again . . . . Okay . So there you have it . My Flair Lair . You know . . . . I think I might be . . . a happiness hoarder . Yeah , that 's it . Kind of like the way I tell my younger sister that she 's a " friend hoarder . " ( She 's the only person I know that is still in touch with people from first grade , t - ball , middle school , summer programs , and all of MY friends from the same places that I 've lost track of . . . but I digress . ) Yeah . Like that . What can I say ? Stuff that makes me happy , I like around me . No , not all at the same time - - but I do like reminders . I know . Some folks like very neat , empty spaces for . . . what 's it called ? Feng Shui reasons ? I 'm sure a bunch of y ' all are wondering how I get any work done with all that stuff going on in there . But I do get a lot done in there . I do . When it comes to offices , really barren and impersonal spaces make me feel kind of sad and uninspired . I flair them out - - especially since I don 't have to share the space with my husband ( who does seem to be Feng Shui - ish . ) So . Yeah . That 's all I got today . ( And you know what ? It 's like waaaay over the fifteen piece minimum , man . ) Don 't get that joke ? Watch the clip below . Rut roh . The other day I was folding clothes and Isaiah sees the edge of this plastic bag hanging out of the drawer on my nightstand . " Hey , Mom ! What 's this ? " Lawd . Have . Mercy . Yes . It is exactly what it looks like . A child 's tooth in a ziploc bag that , yes , this bootleg Tooth Fairy made the error of sticking in a drawer next to the bed . Rookie mistake . Isaiah : " It looks like a tooth , Mom . " Me : ( Still sputtering and gasping . ) " Sure does , doesn 't it ? " Gulp . Isaiah : " Is it your tooth , Mom ? Maybe Dad 's ? No , probably yours since it 's on your side of the bed . " Me : ( Standing there speechless - - not wanting to say the wrong thing . Sick smile on my face like I just swallowed disgusting food at someone 's table . ) Isaiah : " Hey Mom ? " Me : ( Raising eyebrows only . Still too scared to speak . ) Isaiah : " Can I have an ice cream sandwich ? " Me : " You sure can . " Dude , you can have anything if it means you 'll get off of this subject . And off the kid runs without a further drop of fanfare . Hallelujah . Hmmm . Okay , people . I was a little perplexed about this . Now I feel a bit bad about not being honest - - but in my defense I looked at it as protecting his innocence . Wait . Does that count as protecting his innocence ? Anyways . You know this isn 't over . Grandpa Isaiah will surely let this marinate and crack me over the head with the topic again when I least expect it from the back seat of the Volvo . I want to be ready , y ' all . And , Isaiah has a whole lot more teeth in his head that need to fall out , and his little brother has yet to lose one at all . This is problematic ! I need advice people ! Wisdom from my peoples ! Is this thing on ? Rookie mistake , I know . I 've put that tooth ( and the three other ones sitting in that drawer ) away in some covert location . But I need your input for the imminent cross examination . Because it is sho ' nuff coming . Sigh . Come on , y ' all . Am I pretty much screwed ? Is all lost ? Tell me something good . Yeah . All y ' all . * * * Happy Humpday . So yeah . One in three . That meant that on any given day you were either on call , post call , or post - post call ( which everyone knows is twenty times worse than being post call . ) Anyways . For those still confused , it meant that every single weekend you were guaranteed a crappy schedule . Friday : On Call That 's pretty much how it worked . This was also before anyone gave a hoot about duty hours or sweatshop working conditions which meant that this little schedule was even more heinous than it sounds . Let 's examine the old school , pre - ACGME Duty Hour Rules era call schedule a wee bit closer , shall we ? Thursday 4PM : A bizarre second wind comes over you . Seeing patients , answering pages , kicking ass and taking names . Who 's better than you ? Answer : Nobody . Thursday 5PM : Running from clinic back to the UNIT to join the sign out rounds . YES . I said " Go back to the unit . " At 5PM . Post call . Thursday 5 : 30 : Leaving the unit because you " got to go first since you 're post . " Thursday 6PM : Fall asleep at every single stop sign on the way home . Thursday 6 : 20PM : Eat two poptarts . Fall asleep with all of your clothes on . On the couch . So here is what 's extra crazy . That month with that schedule , my co - resident and I decided that we each wanted two consecutive days off . So like the sleep - deprived idiots that we were , we made this executive decision to each take two calls in a row . Yes . In a row . Oh , and did we ask anybody 's permission to do this ? Uhhhh , of course not . That would be too much like right . So check it . That was the plan . I take call on Friday - Saturday , my classmate would do Saturday - Sunday the next week . Stupid as hell ! I know ! Anyways . I come in with my bag on a Friday go through my heinous work day and then admit all night . And that night ? Oh it was a rough one . No sleep whatsoever . So Saturday morning I 'm sitting at the nurses ' station with my head down on my folded elbow likely in a pool of disgusting slobber . Then I hear my attending 's voice : " Many what ? What patients ? Uuuhhh , I think we got like . . . " I pulled out my cards and started counting , " uuuhhh , like six people . They were okay . Well , one was kind of . . . uuuhhh . . . no , it was fine . " The attending narrowed his eyes and looked at me like I was a little off . This guy was just covering for the weekend so didn 't really know me so well . If he had known me well , he would have known that I was off because not only was I nauseatingly tired but simultaneously stupid enough to be admitting for the next twenty four hours . Again . " So , you 're post call obviously , " he said . I 'm still not so sure I appreciated that little " obviously " dig . Then he looked around the unit and asked the dreaded question . " Where 's the on call intern ? It 's 7 : 30 and I 'm ready to rock and roll . " I wanted to splash my face with water or something to convince him that I wasn 't as dangerous as I looked . No time for that . " Uhhh . . . yeah . . . the funny thing about that . . . yeah . . . well , I 'm the on call intern . " He furrowed his brow and froze . " You ? But you 're post call . " " I know , sir . But I 'm taking Kevin 's call today so that we could each get some time off . " I shrugged my shoulders and tried to smile . I wanted to give him as few words as possible . Besides - - Kevin was no where near that hospital and he damn sure wasn 't coming in to take call . He shook his head and sighed . " Okay , then . Let 's rock and roll . " And that was that . No threats to call my chiefs or my program director . No screaming fit about how awful it is to put my patient 's - - his patients - - in danger with our selfishly asinine plan . Nope . Just a head shake and a request to do what the man came to do . Rock and roll . So that 's exactly what we did . We rocked and we rolled . And then he left . And I stayed to admit seven more people that night . I did get like twenty minutes of sleep - - which everyone knows is twenty times worse than getting no sleep when you 're that tired . On Sunday morning , I was in a stupor and I had altered mental status for real . I fell asleep standing up twice and wrote notes in charts that looked eerily like hieroglyphics . Not good . Not good at all . Okay . So today I 'm reflecting on this new rule effective July 1 that prevents interns from working more than 16 hours straight . The hours can be longer for upper level residents , but first year - fresh outta med schoolers must keep it under 16 . Wow . I 'm so marveling at how sharply the pendulum has swung in less than fifteen years . That two call in a row story used to be funny to me . But you know what ? It 's really not . It was one of the stupidest and most dangerous things I ever did in my entire residency . My friend Kevin and I told that story like old Army Rangers talking to young privates ; " when WE were interns we worked for 53 hours straight ! " Now that I am actually writing what we both did , it sounds even worse . But the thing is . . . . as an intern and now , I intensely yearned to have a personal life away from work . I needed a minute , a real minute , just to be me and to breathe . And I needed some time to do it . Even if it meant working for 53 hours straight . Isn 't that terrible ? Needing to risk my life and that of my patients just to have a minute to breathe ? That 's a damn shame . Okay . So now it 's kind of built into the rules for residents to have balanced personal lives - - or at least to have time to try . So what 's the moral of this story ? Oh . And if you are currently an intern and you don 't have a life ? Blame yourself for being lame . Not temporary insanity . Or your crappy schedule . Stay tuned for part 2 : " No sleep ' til Brooklyn " - - The story about when Dr . Winawer mowed down a row of parked cars post call in Manhattan . You think I had temporary insanity ? Laaaawwwwdddd . . . Posted by Yesterday marked the second year after Michael Jackson 's death . Yes , the dude was a tortured soul , but no mistaking - - he was amazingly talented . Indubitably . Here 's a couple of my archived posts that include notable mentions of the King of Pop . I revisited them and a few others today in his memory . Anyways . Thought I 'd share them : The one about when I found out Michael Jackson had died . The one where we were playing the Michael Jackson Experience on Wii . What can I say ? It 's been a busy week . So busy that I have no good excuse for not posting the Thursday top ten . So . . . um . . . yeah . I won 't give you one . Anyways . Now that more than just my mama actually reads this blog , I feel the need to hold up my end of the deal . Therefore , here 's what I have for you this week for the top ten : What is it with four and a half year - old kids and their adverbs ? Dude . Zachary is totally on an adverb kick and it 's hilarious . Every single sentence includes one . Case in point : # 9 - A newer version is available for download . . . My forty year old husband refers to bodily excrement as " boo - boo . " No . I am not kidding . He says " boo - boo . " Which I think as two parts hilarious and two parts embarrassing . Opens bathroom door . " Ugggh ! Found it . One of your sons boo - boo - ed in here and didn 't flush the toilet . Ever since you told them to ' let yellow mellow and to flush brown down ' they 've let everything mellow . " Zachary has taken to singing Cee - Lo Green and Gnarls Barkley 's hit " Crazy " all day every day . No . I mean like all day . Every day . Like the whole day . Oh , did I mention that my sister got to meet and hang out with Cee Lo this week ? Oh . She did . And yes , her Los Angeles life is as cool as it sounds . Anyways . Back to Zach and his rendition of " Crazy . " It 's pretty damn funny . His face is so serious , too , when he sings it . The best part is when he says " Ha ! Ha ! Bless your soooooul ! Ya really think you 're in control ? " Dude . Hee - larious . Remember the chipmunks who kept sneaking in my garage in the winter ? Turns out they don 't like being hot in the summer either . Oh , and they still look very rat - like . Especially when you are going to exercise early in the morning . I went to get a pedicure the other day . Okay , I admit that while my toes are fairly feminine and decent , the soles . . . uhhhh . . . let 's just say I won 't be asked to do any foot commercials . Anyways . I always assume that there is some hard core mess - talking going on in another language about these rough feet of mine . They lift my foot , pause for effect and then explode into what I think would be interpreted as this : " She doesn 't even seem like she 'd have these cat - pads underneath her feet . So stylish , too . That 's a shame ! " She looked at me like " you paranoid crazy high - heeled cavewoman ! " and then went there . " I look at you and say to my friend , ' She look too nice to have feet li ' this one . ' " She wrinkled her nose for emphasis . On Saturday , I went for ( what I will refer to as ) a run . As I prepared to leave , Zachary announced that he would be joining me . I let him know that I wasn 't going with the jog stroller and that I was going alone . " I know , Mommy , " he said , " We 're getting our exercise . " I didn 't . Seriously ? Zachary on " a run " with me ? Cutest thing ever . Picture it : A four year old next to me stretching ( and he was serious , do you hear me ? ) and then next to me running . He would have run further than me if he hadn 't been sprinting to exhaustion . Oh my goodness . I am embarrassed to admit that this show called " Mob Wives " has become my new guilty pleasure . Why do I watch it ? Blame my reality - TV loving husband who watches everything from " The Swampers " to the " Pawn Stars " to " American Pickers . " Somewhere in the midst of all of those shows , I watched an episode of " Mob Wives " with him . ( We won 't even get started on that show about the Irish Travellers . Lawwwwd . ) Don 't tell anybody I watch Mob Wives , okay ? YEAH . ' Cause nothin ' is woise than bein ' A LOW - LIFE SNITCH , capisce ? I walked over toward the window and mouthed , " What 's up ? " Just as I prepared to push the blinking hold light , Ms . Johnson rolled her eyes and grabbed my hand . " Dr . Manning , you might want me to take this one . " Her expression was mischievous . I gave her a curious stare . " Why ? What 's up ? " I asked aloud this time . I was a little scared to hear the answer . She froze for a moment looking at me with serious eyes for beat . Then she started laughing . . . hard . That laugh came from way down deep in her belly and floated over her head like smoke . People in the waiting room who had no idea what was going on seemed to chuckle , too . One Grady elder in particular seemed to enjoy the energy she was witnessing between us . " You don 't even want to know , Dr . Manning . This lady has called up here three times in the last week looking for you . " Apparently she 'd gotten the attention of Ms . Thompson , one of our senior nurses . " Oh . . . that lady ? Again ? She called about Dr . Manning again ? How funny is that ! " They both erupted for a few seconds and quickly regained their composure . The Grady elder kept smiling in our direction . " Better yet - - go ahead and take the call , Dr . Manning . I 'm . . " Ms . Johnson snorted to keep herself from laughing , " No , for real . I 'm serious . Go ahead . . . on the blinking light . " I stood there staring at them suspiciously . I wanted to know what I was getting myself into . " Is this someone who could be mentally ill ? Like is it inappropriate ? " Ms . Thompson pressed her lips together to keep from giggling . " Is it inappropriate ? Hmmm . " She exchanged another glance with Ms . Johnson . " Well , I guess that 's a matter of opinion . Drastic circumstances call for drastic measures . " " I know that 's right ! " Ms . Johnson cosigned . Again she pointed to the blinking light . I narrowed my eyes as Ms . Johnson grabbed the receiver and quickly said , " Dr . Manning will be right with you . . . . uh huh . . . okay . . . . unnh huh . . . okay . " She placed the hold button again and gave me an exaggerated grin . " Is it like a medical emergency ? " I asked , immediately recognizing how dumb that question was . " You know what ? " Ms . Thompson answered with her eyebrows raised , " Technically , this could be an emergency . Right , Johnson ? " " Oh yeaaaaah . Definitely . " I couldn 't take it any more . Stretching my arm behind the counter , I released the hold button while balancing the receiver on my shoulder . " Good morning ! " I announced , " This is Dr . Manning ! " " Dr . Manning ? Oh ! Hey , Dr . Manning ! " The voice was young , enthusiastic , and female . It was also in direct competition with what sounded like at least three kids in very close proximity . " Oh ! Well , this is my third time trying to reach you . I 'm so glad I got you ! See , I called twice and - - SIT DOWN ! SIT YO ' LITTLE BUTT DOWN ! DON ' T MAKE ME - - SIT DOWN ! - - sorry , yeah , I called and said it was important . Did you get my messages ? " " Ma ' am , I apologize . I haven 't been in the clinic much this week , I 'm sorry . I hope it wasn 't something life threatening ? " I cut my eyes over at Ms . Johnson who was now covering her mouth with both hands to keep from doubling over . " Well , it was important . . . not life or death , but important , you know what I 'm sayin ' ? - - PUT THAT DOWN ! DON ' T TRY ME ! I MEAN IT ! WHAT THE . . DO IT AGAIN ! SEE WHAT HAPPENS ! - - See , I saw you on Fox 5 News . In fact , I see you every week when you on there . " ( One of the kids is now crying in the background - - loud . ) " I seen you last week and said , ' I 'm ' bout to call Grady Hospital right now ! ' " Now I was feeling nervous . What the heck was she calling about ? " Okay . You 've got my undivided attention . Tell me , ma ' am . How can I help you ? " " Well , I seen you on Fox 5 , and like I was saying , I always be seeing you . And - - SHUSH YOUR MOUTH ! THIS THE HOSPITAL ON THE PHONE ! ! THIS IS IMPORTANT ! ! - - Sorry ' bout that . . . yeah , so when I see you , I always think , ' Damn , her hair is hot to death ! ' : : crickets : : " So , yeah I see that cut every week and love how you rock that short cut , you know . And - - HEEEEY ! DID YOU . . . AWW HELL . . . IS YOUR SEATBELT OFF ? ? AWWW HELL NO ! - - Excuse me , Dr . Manning . " ( scrambling , scolding , mama - with - gritted - teeth - voice muffled through phone ) " Sorry , ' bout that . . . so , yeah , last time I saw you I was like , ' Oh yeah , that Dr . Manning ? Tha 's my girl ! ' ' Cause you know , I been thinking ' bout goin ' short again . " 0 _ 0 - - - - - > ( look on my face ) " So ANYway . . . I called up here and asked for you , you know ? And - - TOUCH THAT SEATBELT AGAIN AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS ! " 0 _ o - - - - - > ( me ) " Yeah . . . so anyway . . . I left like two or three messages , you know ? I said , ' I 'm just gon ' keep callin ' till I get her on the phone ! Like I said , I been thinkin ' ' bout goin ' short again , so - - BOY ! IF YOU DON ' T GET OUT MY PURSE ! ' " ( Oh , and in her defense ? Take it from this black woman - - when it comes to sisters and our hair , the situation can become an absolute emergency . Like 911 , even . ) Ankle shackled to a bed . Eyes wild and angry . Mouth spewing vitriol in every direction . This time , admitted with some kind of infection . Last time , some kind of drug ingestion . Looking through his archival it became obvious that he wasn 't a stranger to Grady . The dictations described prior hospitalizations with similar circumstances - - in police custody , positive urine drug screens , abusive and impossible behavior on the ward . And not even thirty years old . " Okay . Get to it ' cause I don 't feel like a whole bunch of extra shit . " He rolled on his back , folded his lean brown arms and placed his hands behind his head . The security officer mandated to sit at his bedside cut her eyes sideways in his direction and then rolled them with a tiny shake of her head . She gave her finger tip an exaggerated lick and turned the page in the paperback novel sitting on her lap . I looked at the shining metal cuff locked snugly around his right ankle . The left foot was covered with a blanket , but occasionally the other that was bare and exposed would reflexively fight against being restrained with a backward pull . A telling red ring on his skin was evidence . I then asked his permission to examine him . Normally , I would ask more questions or recap what the residents had told me on rounds , but in this instance I knew that he could kick us all out at any minute . I carefully inspected his thin and muscular body , searching for clues about his recurrent infections . The skin was smattered with excoriated bumps and picked scabs , likely related to his lifestyle outside of the hospital . I moved on to start pulling back dressings and gingerly removing packing from an infected wound . " This seems to be draining pretty well , sir . You know the packing helps you as it heals . We 're also giving you some antibiotics through an IV because this infection is hard to treat with just pills . " " Hey ! " he suddenly yelled out to a nurse 's aid that walked in to pick up a pill cup . " Why you didn 't get me the apple juice I asked for ? Get me two . And some ice ! " He shook his head hard and muttered under his breath ( but quite audibly ) some expletives involving his feelings about Grady Hospital . I smiled back and shrugged . " Not that much . . . . but . . . isn 't that where the rapper T . I . is from ? " I recognized how lame I sounded by using the words " the rapper " before the artist 's name . So forty - something of me . " Aaiight , then , Doc . You know wha 's up ! Yeah , he from the west side . He from Bowen Homes . Tha 's al - right that you know that ! " I felt a bit of relief wash over me as his eyes softened in my direction . After looking at his arms and palms , I reached for his hand . Surprisingly , he allowed me to hold it . " No family ? Where was your family ? Your peoples ? Like . . . who raised you up ? " I had to know because black folks in the south rarely have nobody . Everyone has a " mama ' nem " or " play cuzzin " or two . " Nobody , like I said . The state . The system . Shit , nobody . " He laughed when he said that part . This inappropriate chuckle that was laced with pain and cynicism . I didn 't flinch so he kept talking . " Yeah . My mama was a crack fiend . My daddy was a n - - a she prob ' ly let do her for a five dollar rock . " Again that strange and unsettling laugh . His use of " the n - word " made it even more uncomfortable than it already was in the room . The security officer lifted her head the minute he said it , freezing for an instant and then returning to her book . " I 'm sorry . " I squinted my eyes and then asked , " Did you get much time with your mom ? I mean , before she . . I mean , before you had to go to foster care ? " " Yeah , shit . . . too much time . Basic ' ly I was right there while she was gettin ' smoked out and f - - d by anybody and everybody so she could get right . I remember all that shit . Somebody would come in there and beat her ass like a dog in the street and she turn around and get on her knees . " Another laugh . " Yeah , you know what I 'm talking about . On her knees talking ' bout , ' Daddy I 'll be good ' so she could get high . Gettin ' dudes off right in front of me . A lot of them cats was dealers , and my mom was pretty even though she was a crack fiend so they would still do her . But you know , them cats ain 't stupid . . . they wasn 't lookin ' to die or nothin ' so they would just let her take care of them with her mouth , you know . ' Cause shit you don 't have no idea what these fiends out here got . The AIDS , whatever . But yeah . I was right there seein ' all that shit . And I was just a little man , too . " " One day some white people came in there and saw how f - - d up everything was and took me out . But where they took me was just as f - - d up . " I noticed a pattern . With all of the most disturbing parts of his story , he chuckled . " Naaah . Plus I had behavior problems and nobody was trying to f - - k with all that , so yeah , I went to foster care so yeah whatever , you know ? It 's f - - ked up out there . Ha ha ha . . . now here I am . " He held his hands out like tah dah . He leaned back in the bed and scratched his abdomen . It was covered with crude , jail tattoos . With a bored yawn he asked , " So , why you want to know all that ? Wha 's that got to do with anything ? " " I want to know because I 'm looking at your eyes and your face and wondering who let you down when you were a little boy . " He gave me a puzzled expression , like genuinely puzzled . I went on . " That 's the truth . That 's why I 'm asking all that . " Because that was why I was asking and I did want to know that . I looked at him and wanted to know - - who let him down ? Who ? And yeah , I know . A lot of folks have hard lives and yet they somehow at some point pull themselves up by the bootstraps and get their act together . So that 's what I 'm reflecting on this morning . It 's Father 's Day and , honestly Father 's Day always gets me thinking about parents in general . Probably because there 's so much symbolism tied up in the role of the patriarch . Like , your dad is supposed to be your bridge over troubled waters ; he 's the one you jump behind when something goes bump in the night . And for a lot of folks - - and I do mean a whole lot of folks - - that father in the traditional sense wasn 't there . But if they were lucky somebody else stepped up to the plate . So I guess that 's what gets me thinking about Father 's Day this way . I think about it in terms of what having one affords you . And what it denies those who don 't . This morning while standing in my kitchen I was thinking of that patient . . . this beautiful , cocoa - complexioned manchild whose ankle was locked to the end of a bed . I remembered his round brown eyes and dark , lush lashes . I could see the chicken pox scar on his cheek and the distinct facial features . I wondered if he was , perhaps , the spitting image of someone who never knew or cared to know of his existence and what that might have meant to his entire life . I also wondered how it all would have turned out if he 'd just had someone looking at him lovingly on a daily basis . As I cracked eggs into a sizzling frying pan and sauteed steak for Harry 's Father 's Day breakfast in bed , I asked myself - - What is the best thing a parent can do for a child besides love them ? And then , while stirring creamer into a steaming cup of coffee , I thought about this : A parent , in whatever capacity they are a parent , should fight tooth and nail to stop anyone or anything from robbing their child 's innocence before it 's time . Period . Kid eyes just don 't seem wired for processing overly mature and overly awful visual images . Hell , adult eyes don 't do such a great job at it either . But it 's worse for kids . And I 'm not sure how you can have a fighting chance when at seven years old you saw your mama on her knees calling somebody who just called her a bitch to her face " Daddy . " Up until I was about twenty years old , nearly everything I did or did not do was out of wanting to make my parents proud of me ( or not disappointed in me . ) At some point , things shifted and I wanted to do the right thing because of myself , but sometimes I wonder what it would have been like to have been forced to figure out all the things I 've figured out with the help of loving parents on my own . I needed those wagging fingers and swats on my behind for coming in after the street lights came on , and I thank God for the standing ovations I received for fourth grade performances and at medical school graduations . More than all of those things , though . . . working at Grady has shown me how blessed I am that my eyes were shielded from things not meant for them . And for real ? I thank God for that . For some folks , it 's in their DNA to make it despite a hard childhood . But most folks ? It isn 't . At all . Turn on a television and watch those Penitentiary / Lock up reality shows and you 'll know it 's true . Story after story of childhoods ruined by innocence lost followed by broken adult existences . Which sucks because there 's not a whole bunch you can do to fix that . Damn . Father 's Day is supposed to be a feel good day . I didn 't mean to get heavy like this . But the point of it all is this - - if you had somebody waiting at home for you , expecting the world for you , covering your eyes for you , and sacrificing for you , you might want to call them up and tell them thanks . Not just " Happy Father 's Day " but , for real , thank you for slugging it out for me . Thanks for letting me be a kid during the time when I was supposed to be a kid and for kicking me squarely in my behind when I tried not to be one . And if your parent failed at some parts of it , tell them I love you anyway because at least you tried . Because one thing I know for sure is that a whole , whole lot of people for a whole , whole lot of really complicated reasons don 't try . At all . Our plan was to deliver Harry breakfast in bed . We took longer than expected so it ended up being breakfast on couch , but he seemed to like it all the same . I knelt down next to Isaiah and Zachary outside of the kitchen and whispered to them before we brought the tray to Harry . I wanted to make sure they knew what to say . Now playing on my mental iPod . . . . the song I danced to with my father on my wedding day . Eva Cassidy sings this in a way that stirs my soul . Maybe you can add it to your mental iTunes , too . Posted by This evening we celebrated the completion of internship for our Transitional Year interns . For those unfamiliar , a Transitional Year is essentially a twelve month clinical experience following medical school graduation that provides a general medicine foundation for young doctors entering fields like Radiology , Neurology , Anesthesiology , Ophthalmology and Dermatology . For the last five years , I have served as the residency program director for this program of twenty - four diverse and dynamic individuals , and my oh my . . . lucky me . Here 's the thing - - internship is such a pivotal time . . . and the thing is . . . I realize that . I really , really do . Despite all that you learn as a medical student , being an intern is kind of like being shot out of cannon high into the air . The learning trajectory is ridiculous ; the personal growth indescribable . My internship remains one of the most memorable experiences of my entire life . In fact , most physicians would tell you that about their rookie - doctor year . I get the chance to play a key part in that period for twenty - four fresh , new doctors - - every single year . On that first day of July , we finally take off their medical student training wheels , strap on their helmets and walk behind them carefully as they pedal onto a sometimes bumpy sidewalk . We resist the temptation ride for them and grab the end of the bike only when necessary . And because the stakes are high - - and human - - we know what " necessary " is and on those days we do grab the end or even step in to ride tandem with them . If they fall and they will because they 're learning - - and human - - our job is to provide them a soft place to land while providing our patients with a safe place to be . So this , in addition to all of the other cool things I get to do with medical students and patients and colleagues , is yet another reason why if I didn 't have my job , I 'd sure wish I did . This week 's top ten ? No question . I bring you the top ten moments and reminders from this evening that underscored why I love being the Transitional Year ProgrPosted by Honestly ? I write this blog to share the human aspects of medicine + teaching + work / life balance with others and myself - - and to honor the public hospital and her patients - - but never at the expense of patient privacy or dignity . Thanks for stopping by ! : ) " One writes out of one thing only - - one 's own experience . Everything depends of how relentlessly one forces from this experience the last drop , sweet or bitter , it can possibly give . " ~ James Baldwin ( 1924 - 1987 ) " Do it for the story . " ~ Antoinette Nguyen , MD , MPH Details , names , time frames , etc . are always changed to protect anonymity . This may or may not be an amalgamation of true , quasi - true , or completely fictional events . But the lessons ? They are always real and never , ever fictional . Got that ? Why can 't you do it ? Why can 't you set your monkey free ? Always giving into it Do you love the monkey or do you love me ? . . . COPYRIGHT © 2012 K . D . MANNING . ALL RIGHTS RESERVED . NO PART OF THIS WEBSITE MAY BE REPRODUCED IN ANY FORM BY ANY MEANS , ELECTRONIC OR MECHANICAL , WITHOUT PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT OF THE AUTHOR .
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One of the interns was in my office for the first time one day . He looked around , laughed and said , " Wow , Dr . Manning ! You sure have a lot of flair up in here ! " Flair ? You know flair , like in that hilarious movie " Office Space " when Jennifer Anniston was told that she didn 't have on enough flair ? You know - - the part where she had on a mere fifteen pieces of flair ( which is the minimum ) when her coworker had on a whopping thirty - seven pieces and " a great smile ? " Yeah . Like that . Flair . The more I think about it , the more I realize that that intern was right . I do have a lot of flair up in here . But like that manager at Chotchkie 's told Jennifer Anniston - - Flair is about fun , people . Fun . Oh yeah - - it 's also about expressing yourself . Hey - - and you DO want to express yourself , don 't you ? This week 's top ten is devoted to my office flair . Today , I bring you the top ten pieces of flair in and around my office at good ol ' Grady . I got these guys during my chief year back in 2001 . I secretly think all chief residents should have this little sculpture in their office . I am now trying to figure out how to get one for my house since Isaiah and Zachary seem to never admit to seeing , hearing or speaking evil . The teddy bear was a Christmas gift a few years back from Fox 5 Good Day Atlanta . The Whitney wig came from the year Harry and I went to a Halloween party as Bobby and Whitney . ( That was Harry 's compromise after turning down my first request to be Flavor Flav and New York . ) The tiara was given to me by one of my ward teams . I think I sent them a page one day and signed it " Queen Manning . " They called me that all month and gave me the tiara on the last day ( which I wore all day on rounds . ) Seeing my favorite cards from students and residents perched on my blinds every day puts a smile on my face . I pull them down and read them when I 'm having a bad day . It always cheers me up . # 7 - My Jim Crow Sign . I bought this at an antique flea market in my dad 's hometown of Birmingham , Alabama . Seeing it reminds me of how blessed I am to have been born when I was born . It 's so hard to believe that my own father spent his formative years abiding by signs like this one . Maybe it was this one . Confession : This isn 't the whole collection . I have all kinds of random elephants in my office . I 'm a Delta girl , so of course I have elephants . But they 're also good luck , so that 's another great reason to have them . I like the energy they bring to my office . I also like that many were given to me by special students and residents that have worked with me . # 5 - Random Artwork . I designed this t - shirt when I was a second year medical student . We sold these and wore them for our annual community day of service . All of us med students walked from our campus to a nearby housing project and signed up over one hundred kids for a day of fun and education . We worked hard , solicited sponsors and donations and did a whole lot of planning between classes and exams . A few weeks later we all came back to escort them over to our school for a fun - filled day . Man , it was awesome and we were so proud of ourselves . It remains one of my fondest memories from my years as a medical student . That shirt inspires me . That 's why I keep it in my office . Since opening its doors in 1876 , no single institution has educated more African - American physicians and dentists in the world than Meharry Medical College . Meet a doctor or a dentist that 's older than sixty ? Chances are he or she probably went to Meharry . Seeing that little cartoon guy that I scribbled on a piece of notebook paper for this silk screen way back in 1994 reminds me of this . Every single day . This picture of Isaiah was taken when he was only six weeks old . No exaggeration . We should have known then that he 'd be an old soul . I have a wallet size version of this taped to my computer monitor . Every time I look at it I smile and fall in love all over again . . . . Okay . So there you have it . My Flair Lair . You know . . . . I think I might be . . . a happiness hoarder . Yeah , that 's it . Kind of like the way I tell my younger sister that she 's a " friend hoarder . " ( She 's the only person I know that is still in touch with people from first grade , t - ball , middle school , summer programs , and all of MY friends from the same places that I 've lost track of . . . but I digress . ) Yeah . Like that . What can I say ? Stuff that makes me happy , I like around me . No , not all at the same time - - but I do like reminders . I know . Some folks like very neat , empty spaces for . . . what 's it called ? Feng Shui reasons ? I 'm sure a bunch of y ' all are wondering how I get any work done with all that stuff going on in there . But I do get a lot done in there . I do . When it comes to offices , really barren and impersonal spaces make me feel kind of sad and uninspired . I flair them out - - especially since I don 't have to share the space with my husband ( who does seem to be Feng Shui - ish . ) So . Yeah . That 's all I got today . ( And you know what ? It 's like waaaay over the fifteen piece minimum , man . ) Don 't get that joke ? Watch the clip below . Rut roh . The other day I was folding clothes and Isaiah sees the edge of this plastic bag hanging out of the drawer on my nightstand . " Hey , Mom ! What 's this ? " Lawd . Have . Mercy . Yes . It is exactly what it looks like . A child 's tooth in a ziploc bag that , yes , this bootleg Tooth Fairy made the error of sticking in a drawer next to the bed . Rookie mistake . Isaiah : " It looks like a tooth , Mom . " Me : ( Still sputtering and gasping . ) " Sure does , doesn 't it ? " Gulp . Isaiah : " Is it your tooth , Mom ? Maybe Dad 's ? No , probably yours since it 's on your side of the bed . " Me : ( Standing there speechless - - not wanting to say the wrong thing . Sick smile on my face like I just swallowed disgusting food at someone 's table . ) Isaiah : " Hey Mom ? " Me : ( Raising eyebrows only . Still too scared to speak . ) Isaiah : " Can I have an ice cream sandwich ? " Me : " You sure can . " Dude , you can have anything if it means you 'll get off of this subject . And off the kid runs without a further drop of fanfare . Hallelujah . Hmmm . Okay , people . I was a little perplexed about this . Now I feel a bit bad about not being honest - - but in my defense I looked at it as protecting his innocence . Wait . Does that count as protecting his innocence ? Anyways . You know this isn 't over . Grandpa Isaiah will surely let this marinate and crack me over the head with the topic again when I least expect it from the back seat of the Volvo . I want to be ready , y ' all . And , Isaiah has a whole lot more teeth in his head that need to fall out , and his little brother has yet to lose one at all . This is problematic ! I need advice people ! Wisdom from my peoples ! Is this thing on ? Rookie mistake , I know . I 've put that tooth ( and the three other ones sitting in that drawer ) away in some covert location . But I need your input for the imminent cross examination . Because it is sho ' nuff coming . Sigh . Come on , y ' all . Am I pretty much screwed ? Is all lost ? Tell me something good . Yeah . All y ' all . * * * Happy Humpday . So yeah . One in three . That meant that on any given day you were either on call , post call , or post - post call ( which everyone knows is twenty times worse than being post call . ) Anyways . For those still confused , it meant that every single weekend you were guaranteed a crappy schedule . Friday : On Call That 's pretty much how it worked . This was also before anyone gave a hoot about duty hours or sweatshop working conditions which meant that this little schedule was even more heinous than it sounds . Let 's examine the old school , pre - ACGME Duty Hour Rules era call schedule a wee bit closer , shall we ? Thursday 4PM : A bizarre second wind comes over you . Seeing patients , answering pages , kicking ass and taking names . Who 's better than you ? Answer : Nobody . Thursday 5PM : Running from clinic back to the UNIT to join the sign out rounds . YES . I said " Go back to the unit . " At 5PM . Post call . Thursday 5 : 30 : Leaving the unit because you " got to go first since you 're post . " Thursday 6PM : Fall asleep at every single stop sign on the way home . Thursday 6 : 20PM : Eat two poptarts . Fall asleep with all of your clothes on . On the couch . So here is what 's extra crazy . That month with that schedule , my co - resident and I decided that we each wanted two consecutive days off . So like the sleep - deprived idiots that we were , we made this executive decision to each take two calls in a row . Yes . In a row . Oh , and did we ask anybody 's permission to do this ? Uhhhh , of course not . That would be too much like right . So check it . That was the plan . I take call on Friday - Saturday , my classmate would do Saturday - Sunday the next week . Stupid as hell ! I know ! Anyways . I come in with my bag on a Friday go through my heinous work day and then admit all night . And that night ? Oh it was a rough one . No sleep whatsoever . So Saturday morning I 'm sitting at the nurses ' station with my head down on my folded elbow likely in a pool of disgusting slobber . Then I hear my attending 's voice : " Many what ? What patients ? Uuuhhh , I think we got like . . . " I pulled out my cards and started counting , " uuuhhh , like six people . They were okay . Well , one was kind of . . . uuuhhh . . . no , it was fine . " The attending narrowed his eyes and looked at me like I was a little off . This guy was just covering for the weekend so didn 't really know me so well . If he had known me well , he would have known that I was off because not only was I nauseatingly tired but simultaneously stupid enough to be admitting for the next twenty four hours . Again . " So , you 're post call obviously , " he said . I 'm still not so sure I appreciated that little " obviously " dig . Then he looked around the unit and asked the dreaded question . " Where 's the on call intern ? It 's 7 : 30 and I 'm ready to rock and roll . " I wanted to splash my face with water or something to convince him that I wasn 't as dangerous as I looked . No time for that . " Uhhh . . . yeah . . . the funny thing about that . . . yeah . . . well , I 'm the on call intern . " He furrowed his brow and froze . " You ? But you 're post call . " " I know , sir . But I 'm taking Kevin 's call today so that we could each get some time off . " I shrugged my shoulders and tried to smile . I wanted to give him as few words as possible . Besides - - Kevin was no where near that hospital and he damn sure wasn 't coming in to take call . He shook his head and sighed . " Okay , then . Let 's rock and roll . " And that was that . No threats to call my chiefs or my program director . No screaming fit about how awful it is to put my patient 's - - his patients - - in danger with our selfishly asinine plan . Nope . Just a head shake and a request to do what the man came to do . Rock and roll . So that 's exactly what we did . We rocked and we rolled . And then he left . And I stayed to admit seven more people that night . I did get like twenty minutes of sleep - - which everyone knows is twenty times worse than getting no sleep when you 're that tired . On Sunday morning , I was in a stupor and I had altered mental status for real . I fell asleep standing up twice and wrote notes in charts that looked eerily like hieroglyphics . Not good . Not good at all . Okay . So today I 'm reflecting on this new rule effective July 1 that prevents interns from working more than 16 hours straight . The hours can be longer for upper level residents , but first year - fresh outta med schoolers must keep it under 16 . Wow . I 'm so marveling at how sharply the pendulum has swung in less than fifteen years . That two call in a row story used to be funny to me . But you know what ? It 's really not . It was one of the stupidest and most dangerous things I ever did in my entire residency . My friend Kevin and I told that story like old Army Rangers talking to young privates ; " when WE were interns we worked for 53 hours straight ! " Now that I am actually writing what we both did , it sounds even worse . But the thing is . . . . as an intern and now , I intensely yearned to have a personal life away from work . I needed a minute , a real minute , just to be me and to breathe . And I needed some time to do it . Even if it meant working for 53 hours straight . Isn 't that terrible ? Needing to risk my life and that of my patients just to have a minute to breathe ? That 's a damn shame . Okay . So now it 's kind of built into the rules for residents to have balanced personal lives - - or at least to have time to try . So what 's the moral of this story ? Oh . And if you are currently an intern and you don 't have a life ? Blame yourself for being lame . Not temporary insanity . Or your crappy schedule . Stay tuned for part 2 : " No sleep ' til Brooklyn " - - The story about when Dr . Winawer mowed down a row of parked cars post call in Manhattan . You think I had temporary insanity ? Laaaawwwwdddd . . . Posted by Yesterday marked the second year after Michael Jackson 's death . Yes , the dude was a tortured soul , but no mistaking - - he was amazingly talented . Indubitably . Here 's a couple of my archived posts that include notable mentions of the King of Pop . I revisited them and a few others today in his memory . Anyways . Thought I 'd share them : The one about when I found out Michael Jackson had died . The one where we were playing the Michael Jackson Experience on Wii . What can I say ? It 's been a busy week . So busy that I have no good excuse for not posting the Thursday top ten . So . . . um . . . yeah . I won 't give you one . Anyways . Now that more than just my mama actually reads this blog , I feel the need to hold up my end of the deal . Therefore , here 's what I have for you this week for the top ten : What is it with four and a half year - old kids and their adverbs ? Dude . Zachary is totally on an adverb kick and it 's hilarious . Every single sentence includes one . Case in point : # 9 - A newer version is available for download . . . My forty year old husband refers to bodily excrement as " boo - boo . " No . I am not kidding . He says " boo - boo . " Which I think as two parts hilarious and two parts embarrassing . Opens bathroom door . " Ugggh ! Found it . One of your sons boo - boo - ed in here and didn 't flush the toilet . Ever since you told them to ' let yellow mellow and to flush brown down ' they 've let everything mellow . " Zachary has taken to singing Cee - Lo Green and Gnarls Barkley 's hit " Crazy " all day every day . No . I mean like all day . Every day . Like the whole day . Oh , did I mention that my sister got to meet and hang out with Cee Lo this week ? Oh . She did . And yes , her Los Angeles life is as cool as it sounds . Anyways . Back to Zach and his rendition of " Crazy . " It 's pretty damn funny . His face is so serious , too , when he sings it . The best part is when he says " Ha ! Ha ! Bless your soooooul ! Ya really think you 're in control ? " Dude . Hee - larious . Remember the chipmunks who kept sneaking in my garage in the winter ? Turns out they don 't like being hot in the summer either . Oh , and they still look very rat - like . Especially when you are going to exercise early in the morning . I went to get a pedicure the other day . Okay , I admit that while my toes are fairly feminine and decent , the soles . . . uhhhh . . . let 's just say I won 't be asked to do any foot commercials . Anyways . I always assume that there is some hard core mess - talking going on in another language about these rough feet of mine . They lift my foot , pause for effect and then explode into what I think would be interpreted as this : " She doesn 't even seem like she 'd have these cat - pads underneath her feet . So stylish , too . That 's a shame ! " She looked at me like " you paranoid crazy high - heeled cavewoman ! " and then went there . " I look at you and say to my friend , ' She look too nice to have feet li ' this one . ' " She wrinkled her nose for emphasis . On Saturday , I went for ( what I will refer to as ) a run . As I prepared to leave , Zachary announced that he would be joining me . I let him know that I wasn 't going with the jog stroller and that I was going alone . " I know , Mommy , " he said , " We 're getting our exercise . " I didn 't . Seriously ? Zachary on " a run " with me ? Cutest thing ever . Picture it : A four year old next to me stretching ( and he was serious , do you hear me ? ) and then next to me running . He would have run further than me if he hadn 't been sprinting to exhaustion . Oh my goodness . I am embarrassed to admit that this show called " Mob Wives " has become my new guilty pleasure . Why do I watch it ? Blame my reality - TV loving husband who watches everything from " The Swampers " to the " Pawn Stars " to " American Pickers . " Somewhere in the midst of all of those shows , I watched an episode of " Mob Wives " with him . ( We won 't even get started on that show about the Irish Travellers . Lawwwwd . ) Don 't tell anybody I watch Mob Wives , okay ? YEAH . ' Cause nothin ' is woise than bein ' A LOW - LIFE SNITCH , capisce ? I walked over toward the window and mouthed , " What 's up ? " Just as I prepared to push the blinking hold light , Ms . Johnson rolled her eyes and grabbed my hand . " Dr . Manning , you might want me to take this one . " Her expression was mischievous . I gave her a curious stare . " Why ? What 's up ? " I asked aloud this time . I was a little scared to hear the answer . She froze for a moment looking at me with serious eyes for beat . Then she started laughing . . . hard . That laugh came from way down deep in her belly and floated over her head like smoke . People in the waiting room who had no idea what was going on seemed to chuckle , too . One Grady elder in particular seemed to enjoy the energy she was witnessing between us . " You don 't even want to know , Dr . Manning . This lady has called up here three times in the last week looking for you . " Apparently she 'd gotten the attention of Ms . Thompson , one of our senior nurses . " Oh . . . that lady ? Again ? She called about Dr . Manning again ? How funny is that ! " They both erupted for a few seconds and quickly regained their composure . The Grady elder kept smiling in our direction . " Better yet - - go ahead and take the call , Dr . Manning . I 'm . . " Ms . Johnson snorted to keep herself from laughing , " No , for real . I 'm serious . Go ahead . . . on the blinking light . " I stood there staring at them suspiciously . I wanted to know what I was getting myself into . " Is this someone who could be mentally ill ? Like is it inappropriate ? " Ms . Thompson pressed her lips together to keep from giggling . " Is it inappropriate ? Hmmm . " She exchanged another glance with Ms . Johnson . " Well , I guess that 's a matter of opinion . Drastic circumstances call for drastic measures . " " I know that 's right ! " Ms . Johnson cosigned . Again she pointed to the blinking light . I narrowed my eyes as Ms . Johnson grabbed the receiver and quickly said , " Dr . Manning will be right with you . . . . uh huh . . . okay . . . . unnh huh . . . okay . " She placed the hold button again and gave me an exaggerated grin . " Is it like a medical emergency ? " I asked , immediately recognizing how dumb that question was . " You know what ? " Ms . Thompson answered with her eyebrows raised , " Technically , this could be an emergency . Right , Johnson ? " " Oh yeaaaaah . Definitely . " I couldn 't take it any more . Stretching my arm behind the counter , I released the hold button while balancing the receiver on my shoulder . " Good morning ! " I announced , " This is Dr . Manning ! " " Dr . Manning ? Oh ! Hey , Dr . Manning ! " The voice was young , enthusiastic , and female . It was also in direct competition with what sounded like at least three kids in very close proximity . " Oh ! Well , this is my third time trying to reach you . I 'm so glad I got you ! See , I called twice and - - SIT DOWN ! SIT YO ' LITTLE BUTT DOWN ! DON ' T MAKE ME - - SIT DOWN ! - - sorry , yeah , I called and said it was important . Did you get my messages ? " " Ma ' am , I apologize . I haven 't been in the clinic much this week , I 'm sorry . I hope it wasn 't something life threatening ? " I cut my eyes over at Ms . Johnson who was now covering her mouth with both hands to keep from doubling over . " Well , it was important . . . not life or death , but important , you know what I 'm sayin ' ? - - PUT THAT DOWN ! DON ' T TRY ME ! I MEAN IT ! WHAT THE . . DO IT AGAIN ! SEE WHAT HAPPENS ! - - See , I saw you on Fox 5 News . In fact , I see you every week when you on there . " ( One of the kids is now crying in the background - - loud . ) " I seen you last week and said , ' I 'm ' bout to call Grady Hospital right now ! ' " Now I was feeling nervous . What the heck was she calling about ? " Okay . You 've got my undivided attention . Tell me , ma ' am . How can I help you ? " " Well , I seen you on Fox 5 , and like I was saying , I always be seeing you . And - - SHUSH YOUR MOUTH ! THIS THE HOSPITAL ON THE PHONE ! ! THIS IS IMPORTANT ! ! - - Sorry ' bout that . . . yeah , so when I see you , I always think , ' Damn , her hair is hot to death ! ' : : crickets : : " So , yeah I see that cut every week and love how you rock that short cut , you know . And - - HEEEEY ! DID YOU . . . AWW HELL . . . IS YOUR SEATBELT OFF ? ? AWWW HELL NO ! - - Excuse me , Dr . Manning . " ( scrambling , scolding , mama - with - gritted - teeth - voice muffled through phone ) " Sorry , ' bout that . . . so , yeah , last time I saw you I was like , ' Oh yeah , that Dr . Manning ? Tha 's my girl ! ' ' Cause you know , I been thinking ' bout goin ' short again . " 0 _ 0 - - - - - > ( look on my face ) " So ANYway . . . I called up here and asked for you , you know ? And - - TOUCH THAT SEATBELT AGAIN AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS ! " 0 _ o - - - - - > ( me ) " Yeah . . . so anyway . . . I left like two or three messages , you know ? I said , ' I 'm just gon ' keep callin ' till I get her on the phone ! Like I said , I been thinkin ' ' bout goin ' short again , so - - BOY ! IF YOU DON ' T GET OUT MY PURSE ! ' " ( Oh , and in her defense ? Take it from this black woman - - when it comes to sisters and our hair , the situation can become an absolute emergency . Like 911 , even . ) Ankle shackled to a bed . Eyes wild and angry . Mouth spewing vitriol in every direction . This time , admitted with some kind of infection . Last time , some kind of drug ingestion . Looking through his archival it became obvious that he wasn 't a stranger to Grady . The dictations described prior hospitalizations with similar circumstances - - in police custody , positive urine drug screens , abusive and impossible behavior on the ward . And not even thirty years old . " Okay . Get to it ' cause I don 't feel like a whole bunch of extra shit . " He rolled on his back , folded his lean brown arms and placed his hands behind his head . The security officer mandated to sit at his bedside cut her eyes sideways in his direction and then rolled them with a tiny shake of her head . She gave her finger tip an exaggerated lick and turned the page in the paperback novel sitting on her lap . I looked at the shining metal cuff locked snugly around his right ankle . The left foot was covered with a blanket , but occasionally the other that was bare and exposed would reflexively fight against being restrained with a backward pull . A telling red ring on his skin was evidence . I then asked his permission to examine him . Normally , I would ask more questions or recap what the residents had told me on rounds , but in this instance I knew that he could kick us all out at any minute . I carefully inspected his thin and muscular body , searching for clues about his recurrent infections . The skin was smattered with excoriated bumps and picked scabs , likely related to his lifestyle outside of the hospital . I moved on to start pulling back dressings and gingerly removing packing from an infected wound . " This seems to be draining pretty well , sir . You know the packing helps you as it heals . We 're also giving you some antibiotics through an IV because this infection is hard to treat with just pills . " " Hey ! " he suddenly yelled out to a nurse 's aid that walked in to pick up a pill cup . " Why you didn 't get me the apple juice I asked for ? Get me two . And some ice ! " He shook his head hard and muttered under his breath ( but quite audibly ) some expletives involving his feelings about Grady Hospital . I smiled back and shrugged . " Not that much . . . . but . . . isn 't that where the rapper T . I . is from ? " I recognized how lame I sounded by using the words " the rapper " before the artist 's name . So forty - something of me . " Aaiight , then , Doc . You know wha 's up ! Yeah , he from the west side . He from Bowen Homes . Tha 's al - right that you know that ! " I felt a bit of relief wash over me as his eyes softened in my direction . After looking at his arms and palms , I reached for his hand . Surprisingly , he allowed me to hold it . " No family ? Where was your family ? Your peoples ? Like . . . who raised you up ? " I had to know because black folks in the south rarely have nobody . Everyone has a " mama ' nem " or " play cuzzin " or two . " Nobody , like I said . The state . The system . Shit , nobody . " He laughed when he said that part . This inappropriate chuckle that was laced with pain and cynicism . I didn 't flinch so he kept talking . " Yeah . My mama was a crack fiend . My daddy was a n - - a she prob ' ly let do her for a five dollar rock . " Again that strange and unsettling laugh . His use of " the n - word " made it even more uncomfortable than it already was in the room . The security officer lifted her head the minute he said it , freezing for an instant and then returning to her book . " I 'm sorry . " I squinted my eyes and then asked , " Did you get much time with your mom ? I mean , before she . . I mean , before you had to go to foster care ? " " Yeah , shit . . . too much time . Basic ' ly I was right there while she was gettin ' smoked out and f - - d by anybody and everybody so she could get right . I remember all that shit . Somebody would come in there and beat her ass like a dog in the street and she turn around and get on her knees . " Another laugh . " Yeah , you know what I 'm talking about . On her knees talking ' bout , ' Daddy I 'll be good ' so she could get high . Gettin ' dudes off right in front of me . A lot of them cats was dealers , and my mom was pretty even though she was a crack fiend so they would still do her . But you know , them cats ain 't stupid . . . they wasn 't lookin ' to die or nothin ' so they would just let her take care of them with her mouth , you know . ' Cause shit you don 't have no idea what these fiends out here got . The AIDS , whatever . But yeah . I was right there seein ' all that shit . And I was just a little man , too . " " One day some white people came in there and saw how f - - d up everything was and took me out . But where they took me was just as f - - d up . " I noticed a pattern . With all of the most disturbing parts of his story , he chuckled . " Naaah . Plus I had behavior problems and nobody was trying to f - - k with all that , so yeah , I went to foster care so yeah whatever , you know ? It 's f - - ked up out there . Ha ha ha . . . now here I am . " He held his hands out like tah dah . He leaned back in the bed and scratched his abdomen . It was covered with crude , jail tattoos . With a bored yawn he asked , " So , why you want to know all that ? Wha 's that got to do with anything ? " " I want to know because I 'm looking at your eyes and your face and wondering who let you down when you were a little boy . " He gave me a puzzled expression , like genuinely puzzled . I went on . " That 's the truth . That 's why I 'm asking all that . " Because that was why I was asking and I did want to know that . I looked at him and wanted to know - - who let him down ? Who ? And yeah , I know . A lot of folks have hard lives and yet they somehow at some point pull themselves up by the bootstraps and get their act together . So that 's what I 'm reflecting on this morning . It 's Father 's Day and , honestly Father 's Day always gets me thinking about parents in general . Probably because there 's so much symbolism tied up in the role of the patriarch . Like , your dad is supposed to be your bridge over troubled waters ; he 's the one you jump behind when something goes bump in the night . And for a lot of folks - - and I do mean a whole lot of folks - - that father in the traditional sense wasn 't there . But if they were lucky somebody else stepped up to the plate . So I guess that 's what gets me thinking about Father 's Day this way . I think about it in terms of what having one affords you . And what it denies those who don 't . This morning while standing in my kitchen I was thinking of that patient . . . this beautiful , cocoa - complexioned manchild whose ankle was locked to the end of a bed . I remembered his round brown eyes and dark , lush lashes . I could see the chicken pox scar on his cheek and the distinct facial features . I wondered if he was , perhaps , the spitting image of someone who never knew or cared to know of his existence and what that might have meant to his entire life . I also wondered how it all would have turned out if he 'd just had someone looking at him lovingly on a daily basis . As I cracked eggs into a sizzling frying pan and sauteed steak for Harry 's Father 's Day breakfast in bed , I asked myself - - What is the best thing a parent can do for a child besides love them ? And then , while stirring creamer into a steaming cup of coffee , I thought about this : A parent , in whatever capacity they are a parent , should fight tooth and nail to stop anyone or anything from robbing their child 's innocence before it 's time . Period . Kid eyes just don 't seem wired for processing overly mature and overly awful visual images . Hell , adult eyes don 't do such a great job at it either . But it 's worse for kids . And I 'm not sure how you can have a fighting chance when at seven years old you saw your mama on her knees calling somebody who just called her a bitch to her face " Daddy . " Up until I was about twenty years old , nearly everything I did or did not do was out of wanting to make my parents proud of me ( or not disappointed in me . ) At some point , things shifted and I wanted to do the right thing because of myself , but sometimes I wonder what it would have been like to have been forced to figure out all the things I 've figured out with the help of loving parents on my own . I needed those wagging fingers and swats on my behind for coming in after the street lights came on , and I thank God for the standing ovations I received for fourth grade performances and at medical school graduations . More than all of those things , though . . . working at Grady has shown me how blessed I am that my eyes were shielded from things not meant for them . And for real ? I thank God for that . For some folks , it 's in their DNA to make it despite a hard childhood . But most folks ? It isn 't . At all . Turn on a television and watch those Penitentiary / Lock up reality shows and you 'll know it 's true . Story after story of childhoods ruined by innocence lost followed by broken adult existences . Which sucks because there 's not a whole bunch you can do to fix that . Damn . Father 's Day is supposed to be a feel good day . I didn 't mean to get heavy like this . But the point of it all is this - - if you had somebody waiting at home for you , expecting the world for you , covering your eyes for you , and sacrificing for you , you might want to call them up and tell them thanks . Not just " Happy Father 's Day " but , for real , thank you for slugging it out for me . Thanks for letting me be a kid during the time when I was supposed to be a kid and for kicking me squarely in my behind when I tried not to be one . And if your parent failed at some parts of it , tell them I love you anyway because at least you tried . Because one thing I know for sure is that a whole , whole lot of people for a whole , whole lot of really complicated reasons don 't try . At all . Our plan was to deliver Harry breakfast in bed . We took longer than expected so it ended up being breakfast on couch , but he seemed to like it all the same . I knelt down next to Isaiah and Zachary outside of the kitchen and whispered to them before we brought the tray to Harry . I wanted to make sure they knew what to say . Now playing on my mental iPod . . . . the song I danced to with my father on my wedding day . Eva Cassidy sings this in a way that stirs my soul . Maybe you can add it to your mental iTunes , too . Posted by This evening we celebrated the completion of internship for our Transitional Year interns . For those unfamiliar , a Transitional Year is essentially a twelve month clinical experience following medical school graduation that provides a general medicine foundation for young doctors entering fields like Radiology , Neurology , Anesthesiology , Ophthalmology and Dermatology . For the last five years , I have served as the residency program director for this program of twenty - four diverse and dynamic individuals , and my oh my . . . lucky me . Here 's the thing - - internship is such a pivotal time . . . and the thing is . . . I realize that . I really , really do . Despite all that you learn as a medical student , being an intern is kind of like being shot out of cannon high into the air . The learning trajectory is ridiculous ; the personal growth indescribable . My internship remains one of the most memorable experiences of my entire life . In fact , most physicians would tell you that about their rookie - doctor year . I get the chance to play a key part in that period for twenty - four fresh , new doctors - - every single year . On that first day of July , we finally take off their medical student training wheels , strap on their helmets and walk behind them carefully as they pedal onto a sometimes bumpy sidewalk . We resist the temptation ride for them and grab the end of the bike only when necessary . And because the stakes are high - - and human - - we know what " necessary " is and on those days we do grab the end or even step in to ride tandem with them . If they fall and they will because they 're learning - - and human - - our job is to provide them a soft place to land while providing our patients with a safe place to be . So this , in addition to all of the other cool things I get to do with medical students and patients and colleagues , is yet another reason why if I didn 't have my job , I 'd sure wish I did . This week 's top ten ? No question . I bring you the top ten moments and reminders from this evening that underscored why I love being the Transitional Year ProgrPosted by Honestly ? I write this blog to share the human aspects of medicine + teaching + work / life balance with others and myself - - and to honor the public hospital and her patients - - but never at the expense of patient privacy or dignity . Thanks for stopping by ! : ) " One writes out of one thing only - - one 's own experience . Everything depends of how relentlessly one forces from this experience the last drop , sweet or bitter , it can possibly give . " ~ James Baldwin ( 1924 - 1987 ) " Do it for the story . " ~ Antoinette Nguyen , MD , MPH Details , names , time frames , etc . are always changed to protect anonymity . This may or may not be an amalgamation of true , quasi - true , or completely fictional events . But the lessons ? They are always real and never , ever fictional . Got that ? Why can 't you do it ? Why can 't you set your monkey free ? Always giving into it Do you love the monkey or do you love me ? . . . COPYRIGHT © 2012 K . D . MANNING . ALL RIGHTS RESERVED . NO PART OF THIS WEBSITE MAY BE REPRODUCED IN ANY FORM BY ANY MEANS , ELECTRONIC OR MECHANICAL , WITHOUT PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT OF THE AUTHOR .
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Did you know that the federal government does not consider the income / assets of the non - custodial parent when determining a student 's financial need ( even though it does consider child support received by the custodial parent ) . However , many private colleges do take into account the income and assets of the non - custodial parent , even if he / she does not want to contribute to college costs . These colleges require a supplemental financial aid form from the non - custodial parent . The supplemental aid form from the non - custodial parent will affect the awarding of the school 's own aid but not federal and state aid . In special circumstances , some private colleges may waive the requirements for non - custodial parent information . Meeting one or more of the following criteria would not automatically qualify a single parent household for a waiver , but it would cause the college to consider giving a waiver : 1 . The non - custodial parent cannot be located . 2 . The non - custodial parent has not made child support payments recently or consistently . 3 . The divorce or separation took place so long ago that it is unreasonable to expect a contribution from the non - custodial parent . 4 . The non - custodial parent has a history of abuse or neglect with the child or other parent . Documentation , such as court records , of the above criteria would be required in order to be considered for a waiver of the non - custodial parent information . If you get divorced when your children are very young , most people don 't consider college into their divorce decree . They should . I know that grants are issued in many circumstances and I suggest applying for all of them . Dont forget to ask about the waiver as well . If you get approved for only one grant , at least that will help your child with some of the money owed . Many people work their way thru college with a heavy loan to pay back at the end . If you can take some of that load off of their shoulders , why wouldn 't you ? Plan ahead and think smart . It your child 's future . Something that affects most everyone at some time in their life is depression . I 'm not talking about a bad day , because we all have those . Extended periods lasting days , weeks , months , and sometimes years is what I 'm focusing on . How does it happen and where do you find the strength to overcome it ? Most people turn to medication . That could be good or bad . Speaking from experience , I tried the alternative to natural happiness and ventured down the path of Effexor . It took a while to make a difference , but once it did , I found myself more carefree than I had ever been in my life . What a wonderful drug , I thought to myself . That lasted about 6 months . I then came to the realization that if I wanted to continue feeling like this , I would never be able to quit . That scared me a bit . I wanted to be happy but I wanted to deal with what was making me depressed in the first place and overcome it myself . So I quit . After a week of hardcore withdrawal , I finally felt normal again . The funny thing is , I realized the thing that was making me so unhappy had actually ran its course and I was able to cope on my own . That doesnt happen for everyone . I think counseling is a wonderful way to help with depression . It helped me . Finding a therapist can be a bit tricky because you need to feel comfortable , but once I did , I spent an hour each week crying to a complete stranger . It felt good . Exercise and hobbies are also a great way to get past the hard times to a place that is easier to deal with . Sadness comes and goes , for the most part . Our job is to find out what is making us miserable and fix it or to mourn the loss of someone or something that is bringing us grief . Its just another part of life and growing as a person . If you think you are alone , your not . Everyone has hard times . Just find your inner strength and persevere . It can be done . Always remember , this too shall pass . And if it doesnt , seek professional help . We only have one shot at life , spending it in misery should never be an option . For date night last weekend , we decided on dinner and a movie . DBF Michael loves the Saw series so we went to see Saw V . I 'm a scary movie buff . I have always loved movies that get my adrenaline going . However , I thought Saw was more gore than scare . They go back and forth throughout the movie answering questions that you often wondered . It show 's a couple flashback of how Jigsaw set up the rooms that he put the victims in . It also explained his thought process for the things that he did . I liked the fact that they gave back story and it wasn 't just blood and guts . Oh , they still had that . You know how the previous movies went , right ? Strangers put in a room and they have to do awful things to themselves or each other to survive . This time though , It didn 't make me sick to my stomach . There seemed to be more of a story to follow rather than wondering who was going to get killed next . If you love Saw and you don 't mind the gore , I suggest seeing the movie . You wont be disappointed . I 'm not sure if Id give it 2 thumbs up but definitely one and a half . If there is one thing that I cant stand , its a liar . Politicians lie to get your vote , companies lie about credit loans ( or forget to tell you about hidden charges ) to get your business , children lie to get their way or so they dont get in trouble , and lets not forget the person you love and trust the most , your partner . The reasons vary . They don 't like confrontation , they don 't want to get in trouble , they are selfish pigs and dont think about the repercussions of their actions . Why ? And is it worth it ? Do they think so little of the person they love that they 're willing to risk it all ? To me , it takes a real man or woman to stand up and tell the truth . Especially in circumstances where they know it may end their relationship , but do it anyway . We live in a world of selfish people . They do what they want to do no matter how much it may hurt the other person . However , if they don 't get caught . . . . then it makes it even easier the next time . Ive always valued honesty . Some people say I 'm brutally honest . If you ask me a question , I will answer it . Beware , it may not be what you want to hear . I wasn 't always that way . As a teen , I did my fair share of telling " little white lies " to get what I wanted or to get out of trouble , but I grew out of that . My logic , it takes more energy to pull a lie off than it is to keep it going . My son was a master of this game . He could look at me straight in the eyes and lie thru his teeth without even a flutter . How do you get to that point ? If you catch someone in a lie , how do you trust them again ? " Honey , I 'm sorry I cheated . . . it wont happen again ? " REEEEEALLY ? ? And how do you know it wont happen again or if this is even the first time ? I broke off an engagement because of lies . I refuse to go thru life questioning everything someone tells me . With the elections coming near , it triggered my feelings of dishonesty . I 'm tired of hearing empty promises . Then , I thought about my past and what Ive gone thru . Yep , there is definitely an open wound here . The bottom line , if you are so selPosted by 13 of my favorite candy I wont be eating for Halloween because of Nutrisystems 1 . M & M 's both plain and peanut 2 . Baby Ruth 3 . Tootsie rolls 4 . Butterfingers 5 . Milky Ways 6 . Reese 's Peanut Butter Cups 7 . Big Hunks 8 . Nestle Crunch Bars 9 . Twix bars 10 . 3 Musketeers 11 . Mr . Goodbar 12 . Junior Mints 13 . 100 grand bars Its finally happened . My youngest son is officially a senior in high school . What Id like to know is , how are all parents supposed to afford this special time in your child 's life ? Before school even began , I needed $ 300 dollars for senior pictures . Here we are in month 2 , and they are already sending home things for class rings , caps & gowns , and graduation announcements . By the way , did I mention the rings are over $ 400 dollars ? I havent even opened the packet for caps , gowns , and announcements . Was it this expensive when I was in school ? No way . I talked to my mother about it and she almost fell over when I told her the prices . What happened ? How are people living in today 's society supposed to come up with that kind of money when its hard enough to fill your gas tank and put food on the table ? Now , you are going to put a guilt trip on them too if they cant come up with the funds for all the senior specialities ? I just think its out of control . I don 't think a senior should go without because his / her parents cant afford it . Yes , a class ring is luxury but caps and gowns aren 't . They are a necessity . Did you have to pay for yours ? I will find a way to get my son all that he needs to make his last year in school special , I just think its terrible that not all kids will have the same opportunity . With all the money we pay in taxes , shouldn 't there be an allowance for things like this ? ? Maybe not the ring but certainly the cap & gown . And why do pictures cost so much ? Since when does posing a child and telling them to say CHEESE become a major expense ? Does the film cost that much ? I don 't know , I 'm asking . My son has a friend who 's family doesn 't have anything . He didn 't get his senior pictures this year and I 'm sure a class ring is out of the picture . It hurts my heart . I think these companies need to show a little more compassion rather than looking at the bottom line for everything . Yes , that probably isn 't the way to have a successful business but I don 't think any child should feel less important because theiPosted by Some people have the idea that crying is a sign of weakness . Especially in men . Whatever happened to compassion ? I think a man that shows he is human by shedding a few tears is a good thing . It doesn 't make you any less of a man , if anything , it let 's women know that you care enough about them to drop your guard . Also , that you loved them enough to let them know you are hurting . Although , crying isn 't always because you 're sad . Heck , I cry when I 'm happy or mad . Its something I personally cant control . Would I want too ? Maybe . . especially in the work place . I wonder if thats the reason more men are promoted ? Companies believe that since a man shows no emotion , it means he can make more rational decisions . Right ? It cant be because men are better than women at running companies . It shouldn 't really even be a gender thing . I have worked for many men and women that do a terrible job in their position . Do men make better decisions ? ? Sometimes , depending on the time of the month for the women . Let 's face it , when PMS is raging , we cant be held accountable for our decisions or our emotions . Crying is a way of cleansing the soul . When you 're sad , it makes you feel better . Even though it leaves your eyes too puffy for eye make - up . It seems that since Ive found out my son is going to Iraq , I cry at the drop of a hat . All I have to do is think about him leaving and I get choked up . Now he is there and I feel a little stronger . He calls me through the computer almost daily so I know he is OK . Should I try to control it ? I guess there is a time and place for everything . Unfortunately , my heart and head have a mind of their own . People are pretty understanding about that but that doesn 't make me weak . It makes me human , and most important , It means I 'm a Mom that 's worried about her child . Out of all the emotions we have , I think that laughing and crying are the best ways to not only express yourself , but to also make you feel better . So go ahead , grab a kleenex and have a good cry if your day totally sucked . Its good for you aPosted by Anyone that tells you love is easy , has never truly been in love . Its a two way street filled with many hills and bumps . Sometimes it 's smooth sailing , but usually not for very long . When you have two , not only different people but different genders , it makes it even harder . Well , I shouldn 't really say that about the different genders because I have never been in love with a woman . Its not my cup of tea but I 'm not against those who choose a different lifestyle . I 'm just assuming that since women understand each other , it may be a little easier if you venture down that road rather than the one most traveled . Anyway , I 'm getting off task . I think its funny that when you 're young , you cant wait to fall in love ? You spend your days dreaming of prince charming and the house with the white picket fence . You watch love stories on TV and read romance novels thinking that 's what its really all about ( wait , I still read romance novels and watch love stories ) . Its a woman thing . Then comes the day that you were waiting for and you actually fall in love . Its always wonderful in the beginning . You do anything just to please your partner . You cant wait to spend every waking minute with them . It use to last 50 years , but that 's not the " norm " these days . Heck , Hollywood roll models are having children out of wedlock left and right . What happened to marriage first ? I think that when we discuss the birds and bees with our kids ( where did they come up with that term anyway ? ) , we should also mention that nothing good is easy . If you want something to last , you have to work for it and towards it . Are men really from Mars and women from Venus ? Maybe , but that 's what makes it fun and exciting . Not to mention , frustrating and irritating at times too . I guess you cant really explain love to anyone , its something you have to experience on your own . Right ? Just take it one day at a time . No pain , no gain . As you know , I was chosen by Divorce360 to evaluate Nutrisystems . They bought my food , and I in return , blog daily about the experience . Since some of you are curious about the program , I thought Id send you a link to my daily posts so you can see for yourself . Click here if you want to see my progress , my thoughts , and what I think about the food . There are also 2 other people on with me . We all have different perspectives and ways of life . It might be interesting reading and its definitely a necessity if you have been considering going on Nutrisystems yourself . They have a direct link from Divorce 360 . You can go on and check it out . By the way , after 2 days , I am down 3 . 2 pounds . I am giving this my all and cant wait to see the results . Wish me luck ! ! 13 things a mother should teach her son1 . How to treat a woman . 2 . How to be a good parent . 3 . What dishsoap is for and how you use it . 4 . Toilets dont get clean on their own , you have to scrub them . 5 . How to cook . 6 . Washing machines arent hard to use . . . just watch me . 7 . You can reuse a cup more than once . Thats what water is for . 8 . Changing the sheets on you bed is a good thing . 9 . Always shower and brush your teeth . Women like that . 10 . Its not always about you . . . learn to listen . 11 . If you cant say something nice , dont say it at all . 12 . If a girl says no , she means no . 13 . A full trashcan should be emptied without someone telling you . With Summer over and Fall finally here , that reminds us that the holidays are quickly approaching . For some , this is the best time of the year . If your freshly out of a relationship , its the season you are dreading . Holidays are about love , family , and friends . Even if you 're not in a relationship , you can still enjoy the same things . My suggestion though , switch it up a bit . Don 't do the same thing you did as a couple this year . Go someplace different . Decorate the house with a new theme . Put the Christmas tree in a better location . And if you just aren 't feeling up to the parties and family gatherings , skip it this year . There is no law that says you NEED to do anything , especially if it brings you pain or sadness . Don 't throw a pity party though but instead , do something to spoil yourself . Go out with your friends for a drink . If you would rather not go on the holiday , do it the weekend before or after . Take the questions about your break up with a grain of salt . Most people don 't ask . . some do . If you don 't feel like answering , say so . The holidays weren 't meant to be a punishment for the newly single , they are merely a remembrance of happiness , childhood memories , and holiday cheer . Try seeing a movie on Christmas day . Something that will make you laugh . If these are your first holidays single , it will get better . Time does heal all wounds . Maybe not completely , but it makes them much easier to bare . Embrace the people in your life and enjoy yourself . I speak this as the voice of experience . Its not the end of the world , just a chapter in your life . Have fun . You deserve it , right ? Have any of you seen this image but didnt know what it stood for ? It means you have a loved one that is deployed . My son sent me a pin to wear and a bumperstick to put on my car while he is overseas in Iraq in support of him and our troops . I will wear this pin with pride . When you read this , please stop and say a prayer for Steven Woodall and his safe return to the states along with all of our soldiers . Thank You . . . . . I am employed by Divorce 360 . I blog for them and in return , they pay me for my expertise on divorce , dating , and being a single parent . Recently , we were asked if any of us wanted to lose weight and if we were willing to participate in what they had to offer . I quickly responded , " Heck Ya . " Three of us were chosen to evaluate Nutrisystems . They are going to pay for a months worth of food , and we in return blog about it . What a concept ! You watch all of the celebrities on TV singing the praises of Jenny Craig and Nutrisystems , but does it really work ? I know alot of it is in their food , but also , its about portion sizes . I think you eat 6 times a day . During the week , this will be a piece of cake , ( mmmmmmmmm , cake ) but on the weekends it will be a little tougher . Usually we don 't eat breakfast until almost noon and our dinner at about 7 . Trying to remember to not only eat 6 times a day , but to drink 8 glasses of water , may take a little adjusting . I have to admit , I considered doing this before but just wasnt sure if it was worth the money . My goal , to feel comfortable naked . Its a real mental thing with me . I never really had an issue before but I have found in the past couple of years , my self esteem isn 't what it should be . I use to walk into a room and glow , now I try not to draw attention to myself . Of course , Ive never been the life of the party but I haven 't been one to sit in the corner either . I want to feel good about who I am for ME . And no one else . This is a great opportunity and I would be a fool to pass it up . So , I will keep you all posted on my progress . My food should be here next week and then the fun begins . In the meantime , I 'm going out for Mexican food and a farewell Cadillac Margarita . Its going to be a while before I see those things again . Wish me luck ! ! Posted by Its clear in hearing both political sides debate about our countries future that they agree on one thing . They are against gay marriage . I don 't get it . In some aspects , I guess in a perfect world a marriage would consist of a man and a women . However , what if you fall in love with someone that is the same gender as yourself ? I don 't understand , with all of the troubles we are dealing with now , why they feel the need to control the way a person feels . I 'm heterosexual , always have been and always will be . In today 's society though , we have all types of people . I believe banning something from one group of people because of their preference in gender is ridiculous . Don 't we have enough going on in our lives to worry about rather than what constitutes a couple and whether they should share benefits ? What gives us the right to dictate ? I must confess , watching two gay people making out in public makes be feel a bit uncomfortable but so does watching a boy and girl . There is a time and place for everything . In my opinion , people need to mind their own business unless is directly affects them or their family . These people are human just like everyone else . They are Doctors , Lawyers , School Teachers , Executives , and Policeman . Their ability to perform their duty is no different than anyone else . How does giving two people the right to marry really damaging the rest of us ? It doesn 't . Who determines whats right and wrong ? We the people ? Obviously they are not asking everyone , only the straight one 's . Gay marriage is now legal in California but for how long ? Will they overturn it again , and if so , what happens to the people that were legally married while they could ? I 'm not preaching that being gay is the way , I 'm merely stating that we have much bigger issues to deal with than whether two people can legally spend the rest of their lives together . Freedom is something we are all privileged to have in this country . Why does it only pertain to the select few ? Lets worry about our own problems and stop trying to control thPosted by I was cruising the Internet trying to find a way to get my creative juices flowing and I came across a site . Their slogan , " Get into bed with local singles horny for hot and wild sex . Join free . " OK , does this really work ? I know people surf the net for porn , usually men . And you have the different single sites that I have accidentally come across with shots of women and their private parts on display for all the world to see . I think to myself , Hmmmmmm , are you advertising yourself for Mr . Right or is this how you make a living ? What happened to dating and the element of surprise ? Heck , if a man contacts you because he has seen your vagina plastered all over the Internet , do you really think he is contacting you for a long term relationship ? Although , maybe that 's not what you 're after . Women don 't need to display yourself for every pervert in the world to get laid . There are plenty of men out there just waiting for the opportunity to have sex and they dont even own a computer . What if someone you know ( like your mother or father ) , came across an advertisement like that ? How would you explain yourself ? Then again , maybe girls like that don 't need explanation . They obviously have low self esteem and feel the need to share their bodies for self gratification ? ? Self worth ? Sex with a complete stranger just because ? I dont know . And what kind of men answer these Ad 's ? Someone who is looking to get married ? I don 't think so . Im having problems understanding the concept . I 'm all for online dating but parading yourself ( and your vagina ) for the world to see , to me , is nothing but cheap and tacky . The perverts of the world thank you , I 'm sure . What if you actually do find a man this way , what do you tell your family and friends when they ask how you met ? " Oh , I had my vagina displayed on the Internet and he answered my ad ? " Yikes . . . . girls , show a little respect for yourself . Is this really all you have to offer ? Sad , very sad . Im suggesting some inner soul searching . It really isnt supposed to be like this . . . . is it ? Ive come to the conclusion that its time to do some Spring cleaning in the Fall . When your clothes take up 2 closets , a rocking chair , and the backs of 3 doors , its time to downsize . Not to mention , everything you wear is on the outside of the closet , and the things you don 't are on the inside . How did this happen ? Every time I look inside my closet , it makes me tired . I know there are clothes in there I haven 't worn in more than 5 years . I have 7 drawers filled to the rim . Most of the stuff in there , I don 't wear either . When did I become such a pack rat ? I know I 'm not the only one that does this but I think mine is a bit extreme . I never get to the bottom of my personal clothes hamper because I would have no place to put the clean clothes . Of course , the last time I went thru my stuff , I ended up keeping more than half . You know what I mean ladies . Those things that you have second thoughts about throwing out . " I 'm sure I will wear this again " , " Oh , this is too cute to give away . " There needs to be a stop to this madness . I haven 't seen the back of my closet in 5 years . Shoes , I can throw out without thinking twice about . Clothes , on the other hand , take a little more effort . I know its going to take me a full 8 to 10 hours to start and finish this project . When will I ever find the time ? And after its all said and done , how do I keep it from happening again ? Are we as women destine to collect clothes like men collect tools ? I promise , the first raining day of the season , that project will be on my list of things that need to get done . Of course , I live in California . It may be a while . Maybe I need to go to clothes collectors anonymous . . . " Hi , my name is Lori and I have separation issues with clothes I never wear . Please help me ! " Posted by I work for a hospice company . There are alot of things that go on in our office everyday . You don 't really get use to it , I think you become numb . However , I heard something recently that broke my heart . We have a four year old girl on our service that was diagnosed with a brain tumor . The best prognosis for her is two months . Her mother is racked with concerns on a daily basis . Will she make this month 's rent or be kicked out of her apartment ? Which bill collectors will call her today ? Will her daughter live through the night ? The thing that made this story hit home is that she is a single mother dealing with more issues and problems than any mother ( or person for that matter ) should every have to go thru in a lifetime . Shortly after Aisys 's father found out about her brain cancer , he left the family and hasn 't returned or paid child support since . By working graveyard shifts as co - manager at a fast food restaurant , she 's been able to hold on to her three - bedroom home until last month 's foreclosure . On Monday , she was fired . She also cares for her 80 - year - old mother , a 3 - year - old son , and 6 - year - old daughter . How does someone cope with all of this on their own ? Our company recently gave Aisys a party for her 4th birthday , but because of her tumor , she was unable to even smile . The local paper ran an article about her story and set up a foundation to help . I wonder if it will come in time ? Alot of us face trials in our lives . Sometimes they pass quickly , other times it takes a while be we grow from the experience and become stronger . What would you do in her shoes ? I heard the company she worked for fired her because she couldn 't seem to leave her family problems at home . Gee , ya think ? What kind of person would fire a single mother with a terminally ill child and be able to sleep at night ? I believe the good Lord never gives you more than you can handle . He must think this woman has shoulders a mile wide to be able to withstand so much . As a single mother , thinking back at all of the things I have enduredPosted by I 'm a registered Republican and I have been disappointed with the way that Bush has been running this country for years . We definitely need a change . However , I 'm not sure McCain choosing Sarah Palin as a running mate was the best choice . Don 't get me wrong . I 'm not saying a woman wouldn 't be good in the white house , I 'm just wondering if his choice was the right one ? I have heard her views on abortion and abstinence , and I don 't agree . That opinion will get me in trouble with alot of people ( I 'm sure ) but this is America and we value our freedom . If she cant teach her daughter abstinence , why does she think it will work with my son or our nation for that matter ? If they overturn Roe vs . Wade , it will be a step back in time . Do we really want to have women going to back alley abortion clinics because they no longer have a choice ? And haven 't we been trying to teach our children abstinence for years ? ? Has it worked ? No . I don 't think handing out condoms in school is a bad thing . I was open and honest with my boys and bought them condoms myself but not all kids have that option . I talked to them about sex and showed them how to put a condom on using a banana as a visual aide . I 'm not saying go out and have sex , they are going to do it on their own . Didnt you ? If they use condoms , we wont have to worry about abortions . Right ? I 'm saying have safe sex and give them the tools to do so . And another thing , what if something happens to McCain ? Do we really want some young hottie running the country ? She is a new mother with all kinds of emotions running thru her , I 'm sure . I don 't know if she is the answer to our problems . I have to be honest , I 'm not happy with either political choice . Id really like an AWESOME candidate on the ballot who would pull this country out of the continuing problems it is facing now . The war in Iraq , the Stockmarket , Oil Prices . Can a woman do that ? Maybe . . . but not one that is unrealistic . If you are running for President , you have to hear what ALL people want and not push your beliefs on anyonPosted by 13 ways to fight the blues1 . Smile - Even if you dont feel like it . Doesnt it make you feel warm and fuzzy when someone does it to you ? 2 . Pay it forward - If someone does something nice for you , do something nice for someone else . 3 . Listen to music - the kind that makes you want to get up and dance . 4 . Watch a comedy - There is nothing better to get your mind off of whats making you sad than watching a funny movie . 5 . Spend time in the garden - even if its pulling weeds . Its very therapeutic . 6 . Go for a walk - get that blood pumping . It helps you feel better and relieves stress . 7 . Have sex - Ya , you may not be in the mood but once you get started , its amazing how quickly that can change . 8 . Read a book - There is nothing like losing yourself in a good book to take your mind off your worries . 9 . Write - or , in my case , blog . 10 . Call a friend - sometimes getting things off your chest is the best way to feel better . 11 . Go shopping - that may not help your wallet but it will definitely change your attitude . 12 . Treat yourself - go to the yogurt shop and put extra strawberries and chocolate on top . YUMMY ! ! 13 . Spend time with your siblings - isnt it funny how the stories of growing up always make you laugh ? Me and my sister do it all the time !
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Saturday , wasn 't particularly thrilling , but we enjoyed it all the same . I did my usual Saturday morning class and in the afternoon OH headed off to a bike race in Kent , whilst LB and I spent the afternoon at home . When he got back we all went for a family dog walk , terminating at the pub , where we had supper out and then came back home to watch a film on Netflix . The film in question was Brooklyn and was very enjoyable . Finally , this morning , we headed out on our bikes again , this time for a little trip to a campsite just outside of London . LB fancies a camping party with her friends for her next birthday , so we are doing a bit of reconnaisance . The site has cute wooden pods ( with heaters ) which are open during the winter ( her birthday is in January ) , so all being well we might be able to rent a couple for a night . We 'll be going too , but staying in a separate pod . It was probably a 15 or so mile round trip and was mostly very flat on the canal path , so it wasn 't too bad really , but the canal paths were very busy with cyclists and pedestrians . On the way back , we stopped off at a lovely canalside cafe close to my allotment and had some lunch . Whilst OH and LB rode home together , I popped up to my allotment on the way back and sowed the onion sets that I 'd wanted to get in before the inspection tomorrow . There 's nothing more I can do now . It 's just a wait and see situation . I 'd never actually heard of this place before we visited , but took a look at the website at godsownjunkyard . co . uk to get an idea where it was . The website convinced me that it was worth a visit and it most definitely was . We decided to go by bike , as it 's probably about 3 miles from where we live and much of the journey can be done on designated off road cycle paths . It 's not the easiest place to find , being on an industrial estate in E17 , but is definitely worth seeking out . It is a gallery / cafe that showcases the work of neon artist Chris Bracey , who sadly died quite recently . His signs have been used to entice people into notorious sex shops in Soho , shown in galleries , used in magazine photo shoots and Hollywood movies and this is a fantastic collection of beautiful craftsmanship , some of which can be purchased or hired for special events . It is an amazing place . An absolute off the beaten track gem . When I stepped inside , it felt like being back in Las Vegas . I mentioned a few weeks ago , that I 'd received a neglected plot letter for my allotment , as the Committee thought it was overgrown with weeds and under cultivated . I was a little disappointed , but they did have a point . Here 's what the back of the plot looked like around inspection time . The nettles , comfrey and mint had got very out of hand and I just hadn 't got around to clearing it . I 've been struggling for a while now to keep on top of the plot , as it is a lot of work , especially now I 've committed myself to two days at the CS each week . In addition , the rain we had this spring meant going to the plot quite often wasn 't really possible . It 's taken a few visits over the last few weeks , I 've put 12 to fifteen large bags of weeds into the compost bins and it 's been a lot of hard work , but yesterday , I went for what will probably be my last visit before re - inspection on Tuesday . I was pretty pleased with my progress . Here 's what it looks like now : It 's not perfect and is still a little under cultivated , but I 've done my absolute best with the time I could find to go . It is difficult at this time of the year , to find things to put in it . I did transplant some spinach plants that had self seeded onto my plot from a neighbours , but as I left they were looking very wilted in the midday sun . I 'm hoping these might recover and make the space at the bottom of the plot look better cultivated , but I 'm not holding my breath . Alternatively , I may try to get there and plant some onion sets into this space before the re - inspection . The other side bed , however , hasn 't really been tackled yet . Something had to give . It is cultivated with nasturtium and raspberries though and once the raspberries have finished fruiting and have been cut back it will be a lot easier to get to the weeds at the back of the bed along the fence . Finally , I did sow some autumn salad seeds into a few of the gaps to cultivate them a bit more , and I 'm hoping I 've done enough and the Committee will appreciate my efforts at getting on top of it . In any case , there 's not much more I can do for now . I 'll let you know what happens . Wish me luck . I also bought this small thin book by Hunter S Thompson , an American writer who someone recommended to me a while ago . I 'm not sure if I 'll enjoy his writing , so starting with a small thin book should give me some idea whether his style is compatible with my reading tastes . I 'll let you know . There 's currently a book sale on in the CS , so all books are half price and these two cost 50p each or thereabouts . The candle I bought was this rose scented one from WoodWick . At £ 3 . 49 , I was happy to bring this home for a bit of a floral smelling self - indulgence . I haven 't had a candle burning for a few months now , and this one has a beautiful scent , so I 'll look forward to using this as the nights start to get a little colder this autumn . Some of the profits made this year will be going towards our new kitchen extension , so the more I can sell the better . It does help to have a goal to help motivate me on this front . I 'll keep you posted on this years progress as it happens . We 're now getting to my least favourite time in the garden , namely the end of the summer growing season . Everything starts to look a little scruffy and overgrown and I 'm always tempted to pull everything out before I really need to . I 'm so far resisting the temptation , although on Monday I did harvest the last of the lettuce in the salad bed as we were running low . In spite of the sad looking consequences , I did manage to procure what will be our last full bowl of homegrown salad leaves this summer . I 'm grateful that we 've not had to purchase any salad for the last three months and glad that I didn 't pull them all out when we went on holiday , as it would have wasted a good few weeks worth of food . They were still very edible , despite almost going to seed , right up to the last minute . On Sunday , there was a definite need to harvest as much of the sweetcorn as I could , mainly because something had been eating it . I think it was a squirrel . because one kept coming into the garden on Monday . At least 3 cobs had been attacked . I stripped the outer leaves away from the half eaten cobs , and left them on the stems , hoping that whoever it was would go back to the already damaged ones and not eat any of the other cobs that are still too immature to harvest . I did harvest approximately 10 cobs , which was pretty good . I put it all straight into the freezer to use at times of the year when it is expensive in the shops . I also harvested a few more dwarf beans , which I ate with the Toad in the Hole I made us for supper on Sunday evening . I 'm the only one in the family that really likes to eat them on their own , so they tend to get put in casseroles or stews throughout the year . There aren 't really that many of these left growing on the plants , so they will probably be coming out in the next couple of weeks . Finally , I 've also been harvesting a few tomatoes here and there this weekend . Many are still green , but some have or are turning red or orange , as in the case of these small tomatoes here . There remain quite a lot of trusses on various plants , that are still completely green , so I 'm hoping they will all ripen before blight sets in . I 'm still keeping track of the monetary value of what we are harvesting and logging it each time I take anything from the garden . We 're not talking huge amounts of money , but it 's interesting to see how quickly we earn the cost of the beds back in produce . I 'll post about the total at the end of the growing season . The second freebie that came my way today was this month 's copy of Kitchen Garden magazine , which came with two free packets of seeds . One a packet of Lambs Lettuce that I can sow now , the second a packet of sweet pea seeds to sow next spring . This subscription was a gift from a friend last Christmas . Simply the best kind , i . e . one that just keeps giving , all year round . More good news greeted me when I got to the gym , as I was informed that my regular Sunday instructor is now back from her holidays . I 've really missed her class for the last couple of months and I can 't wait to get back to it . I immediately booked my place for next weekend . As she teaches a great class , that has a disciple - like following , it soon fills up once word gets around that she 's back . Finally , I had to visit my GP 's nurse today to get my blood pressure re - checked , as when I 'd visited the doctor a couple of weeks ago it had been a bit on the high side . ( Another reason for concern about my health ! ) . I 'd never suffered from it being high in the past , so I was hoping that it had been due to the fact that I 'd just got back from our partially stressful holiday the night before . ( i . e . stressful due to the damage we caused to the camper van ) . Anyway , thankfully my blood pressure was back to normal , despite a 20 minute wait in the waiting room , whilst watching the car ( which was illegally parked outside ! ) , so that 's one less thing for me to worry about . From my last post , you might have guessed that I 'm feeling a little overwhelmed , de - motivated and out of sorts , if I 'm honest . I don 't know if it 's a summer holidays thing . The house feels a mess , I 'm behind on my laundry and chores , there 's piles of donations to take to the next Give or Take day and I 've not really done anything with LB of any merit this summer . I 'm on a bit of a self - inflicted guilt trip I think . Yesterday , she was relieved of coming to the blood donation session with me , as a friend contacted her and she spent the day with her . I was pleased for her , as all her friends seem to be away for the entire summer this year , so there 's no one to hang out with . As well as being pleased for her , I felt a little pressure taken off and headed off to the Blood session alone . Unfortunately , I got snarled up in traffic on the way and was 20 minutes late . The donation system , however , had no slack in it to allow me to still donate , so I was pretty unimpressed to be honest and I 've decided to stop donating for a while . Not just for this reason , but also because I 've been wanting to take some supplements of late and haven 't done so because I feel they might not be compatible with blood donation . I really want to give them a try and as I 've now got this whole cholesterol thing going on , I need to focus on myself a little and concentrate on getting my own health under control for a few months . I still want to donate and feel it is a very valuable thing to do , but I need a break . I think that my minor health issues are a lot to do with how I 'm feeling at the moment , so I need to take charge of it . I feel I 'm pretty health conscious and healthy , but then you receive a blow like the raised cholesterol and you feel that all the good you are doing with exercise and reasonably healthy eating is just negated . I 'm floundering at the moment , not knowing what I can do to improve things . I 've started with all the cholesterol lowering products , which I must say , don 't inspire me that much and are also very expensive , but as I have no choice , I just need to persevere and hope they get results . I got to the allotment yesterday afternoon too and made big inroads into clearing the plot . The fact that LB was otherwise occupied and the email encouragement I 'd received from the Committee Secretary probably helped a lot in motivating me . There 's only a small area left to clear by the end of the month . I also managed to transplant some kale plants , to fill one of the beds . It 's looking better than it has in a couple of seasons , which makes me feel like I want to continue with it , but I know that downsizing to a small plot , if I can , is the right thing to do , as the pressure to maintain it always casts a shadow over the summer months . If I get offered a smaller plot I will take it , but if not , I 'm not sure what I 'll do now and might try to hang on until one becomes available . In the meantime , and on a more positive note , the garden is benefiting from some rain today . Frankly , it needed it , as did the allotment and the water butt which was virtually empty . I 've got a week 's worth of salad leaves left in one raised bed , so it should see me through to September , meaning I 've had three months worth of salad leaves from it , which is good for me , especially as I eat it most days . The rain has also been good for me mentally , as it has made me look towards the autumn , which I find more enjoyable and comfortable weatherwise . I always prefer to be wrapped up a little rather than overheated . Having said this , it has been a nice summer , for the most part . We had good news this week with regard to OH 's parents ' camper van , in that the damage we caused to it only cost £ 100 or so pounds to repair , which was a major relief . It doesn 't excuse our carelessness , but at least it was affordable and the work has now been done , so that they can use it to get away this week . We will , of course , be reimbursing them the whole amount . I 'm getting there , but it just feels like wading through treacle at the moment . I guess we all have times like this every now and then , so I 'm trying not to let it get me down too much and appreciate the relative peace and quiet before time starts hurtling towards the big C . Apologies for having a moan on here , I don 't like to do it , but sometimes it can be quite cathartic and helps me to get focused on pulling myself out of it . Life isn 't all roses round the cottage door , it has it 's difficulties too and I generally prefer to hear about peoples ' lives warts and all . It 's in the struggles that we find fellowship . I 'm still working my two days at the CS . The manager has been away this week , so there has been a slightly different atmosphere , but things seem to be ticking over pretty well and the intern who has been left in charge of the shop seems to be doing a really good job , which is nice to see . He 's really gained in confidence and ability over the time he 's been there . It 's interesting to see the change in the interns , from when they start to when they leave , it must be quite a steep learning curve for them at times . I am finding that during the school holidays , I do feel a little guilty that I 'm not at home with LB and doing things with her on the two days per week . I guess that 's just because it 's always been like that and if I was working ( i . e . paid work ) I 'd probably feel the same . I don 't feel like I can easily just withdraw my voluntary labour for six or seven weeks though , so I have continued going in . This week she has spent most of the time having a big purge of her bedroom . There is now a huge pile of stuff outside her bedroom door , waiting for me to relocate it to the Give And Take pile . I 'm pleased she 's made good use of her time and is finding it easier to let go of things . Sometimes , I think a bit of boredom is good for you , as it does help to make you more self motivated and resourceful . Tomorrow , I 'm not at the shop , so I can spend more time with her . I do have a blood donation booked , however , so I 'll probably take her with me and we can do a bit of window shopping , as neither of us have much money to spend . I might even suggest we go on our bikes and get a bit of exercise into the bargain . Talking of bikes , I 've decided to ride my bike to the train station on the days when I travel to the shop , as I hate the walk to and from the station . It takes far too long and is tiring when my feet ache after a day at the shop and still need to take the dog for a walk when I get in . Sitting on the bike and pedalling is much more enjoyable . I tried it for the first time today and dug out my old clunky bike , which was still in the garden . I didn 't want to leave my newer bike locked up all day , in case it got stolen in my absence . It worked quite well , save that I went to a different train station and didn 't enjoy the experience of catching the train from there , so I will be going from my usual station next week . It should mean that I can set off a little later and get home a little earlier , all being well , and get a bit more exercise in the process . I just have to be a bit careful in the traffic . On Friday this week , I have a free day , save for having booked LB in for an eye test in the late afternoon . She 's lost one pair of glasses and broken another and needs a new pair to go back to school with . We may spend the earlier part of the day doing something that she specifically wants to do . In other news , I got an email from the allotment secretary yesterday and she noted that I 'd made a real effort to clear my plot and encouraged me to carry on . I have until the end of the month to get it up to scratch , which I 'm hoping to do , in spite of not having a lot of opportunity at the moment . She said that there is someone interested in a plot on our site , so I 'm hoping that I might be able to secure a swap for a smaller plot after all . I 'll keep you posted . The garden is still producing . The corn are very near being ready to harvest , but I might leave them another week or so , to make sure the kernels are fully ripe . I 'm harvesting dwarf beans every week and a few tomatoes are now ripening . The lettuce is still edible and should hopefully last me at least another week . I 've now also transplanted some kale seedlings into the salad bed , so it will be interesting to see how they fare . I 'm going to harvest the measly four apples that have grown on our tree in the garden very soon . We had to cut off some of the main branches this year , as they had been suffering from some sort of fungal growth , but I think we 've managed to cut it out and hopefully save the tree . If not , these might be the last four apples we grow on it . That 's about all the news here really , as not much else is happening . We 've been glued to the Olympic cycling for the past few days and have really enjoyed watching it . What have you been up to ? I got myself to King 's Cross on time and boarded the train and all was going okay for the first half of the journey . I had my phone plugged in charging ( just as well as I needed it later ! ) , I was enjoying tea and biscuits , a sausage butty and reading a copy of The Times , which formed part of my first class ticket entitlement . The only discomfort was the sun shining in on me , but the window curtain soon put paid to that until it was high enough in the sky not to be a problem . Then suddenly we drew to a halt and several announcements were made . Staff were discretely running up and down the carriage . I knew then that something serious had happened and it had . There had been a fatality on the line ahead of us and we weren 't able to continue with the planned journey . As a consequence , the train returned to a previous station in order to change lines to circumvent the incident and consequently the journey took an extra two hours . In our absence , the sweetcorn had grown really well , with lots more cobs forming and some getting quite large already . The rhubarb plants that I dug up from the allotment , seem to have settled into their pots and are growing lots of new leaves , which is encouraging , as I thought that perhaps they might not thrive and I 'd have to buy a new plant . This will definitely save me from making any further expenditure here . I mooched around and harvested some dwarf french beans . They had gone over a little , so were blanched and frozen for use in casseroles and stews this winter . There are still more beans growing on the plants though . Before we went away , I was going to pull up all of the lettuce in one of the raised beds , thinking that it would go to seed whilst we were away . I harvested a couple of muslin bags full and took them away with us . They lasted all week in the campervan fridge . In the end , I was so busy on the day we left , that I didn 't even have time to pull up and compost the remaining lettuce and when we got back it was starting to bolt , but on tasting it , it didn 't taste too bad . I harvested some for this week , will take it a week at a time and see if I can keep harvesting it and eating it for as long as possible , before it becomes completely inedible . The manager is going on holiday in a couple of days , so today we were busy trying to get things done before she goes and it will no doubt be the same tomorrow , before she heads off on Thursday . I 'm pleased that she 's getting time away from it all though . She needs and deserves it . On a different subject , I got bitten in the garden last night by some very unpleasant insect and my ankle and the back of my knee have swollen up quite dramatically . It seems to be one thing after another at the moment in a physical well being sense . I 've had to take some anti histamines and put antihistamine cream on the bites . They are feeling a little better now though , which is good news . Hopefully , they will go down fully overnight . I 'm looking forward to Thursday when I 've got some free time to possibly visit the allotment . There 's been no news on whether anyone wants to swap plots and I 'm beginning to think it 's a non - starter . I 'll keep you posted . We got back from our holiday in North Wales last night . Exhausted , but rested if you know what I mean . It was an eventful week in more ways than one . We had a good holiday though overall and I have to admit to completely falling in love with Snowdonia National Park . It was beautiful and we 'll definitely be going back at some point . I received phone call on the first proper day of our holiday from my GP , to tell me that my cholesterol levels were high and that I needed to make some amendments to my lifestyle . I was quite surprised at how high it was i . e . 7 . 2 , when it should be more like 5 . We had a telephone discussion of ways I could try to bring it down and she reassured me that it was a known side effect of having a hypoactive thyroid . As I already currently exercise very regularly , don 't eat much red meat , eat lots of salad and fruit and try to eat healthily , I was a little concerned that I might not be able to do much to lower it , but she assured me that just by using cholesterol lowering products instead of some dairy products , that I should be able to bring it down within reasonable limits . I promised to do my best , once I got home from our holiday , as it wasn 't really practical to try to start seeking out special products to use when you 're shopping in very small shops that don 't stock the ranges . She said the best thing I could do was to relax and enjoy the week ! I have an appointment with the same lady GP this evening , to discuss what I need to do , so I 'll see what she says . After getting over that blow , we had a minor accident in the camper van , which also put a damper on our holiday . Nothing serious thankfully , and no one hurt , but as it wasn 't our vehicle , it was a worry . Luckily , it didn 't prevent us from driving it or affect the inside at all . It was a bit of a shock though and a disappointment , but these things happen when you are driving a large vehicle sometimes . We continued on , still determined to enjoy our holiday , in spite of the setbacks and we did . We stayed on some lovely campsites in the National Park , finding that the simpler , more natural sites suited us best . One even had it 's own resident ghost , although I didn 't see him while we were there . As many of the sites didn 't have WiFi connection , I didn 't blog , but if I 'm honest , it was good to have a digital detox for the larger part of the holiday . We visited the wonderful Slate Museum at the foot of Mount Snowdon in Llanberis . Entry was free and there was a demonstration of slate splitting and cutting which was interesting . You could also take a look in slate miners ' cottages through the centuries , which was also interesting . I did buy a few souvenirs from the shop , which included a slate key ring and a single reject slate to use as a cheeseboard . I also bought some Tiger Eye stud earrings , to aid confidence and help me be brave and sensible , which came in very handy towards the end of the week when we made the walk up Mount Snowdon . This was a real adventure and deserves a post of it 's own . We also visited Portmerrion , Swallow Falls waterfall and many of the lovely little villages in Snowdonia National Park . We had a wonderful , but pretty exhausting week and I am definitely pleased to be back home in order to recover from it . There is still , however , much more that I 'd like to see and experience , so another visit some time is a definite must . We left LB in Yorkshire at her cousins ' house , where she is staying for a week . I will be travelling up by train to collect her on Friday . OH booked the tickets this morning and I 'm quite looking forward to the train journey , as he has treated us to first class tickets with all refreshments included . Today , I 've been back to my usual classes at the gym and then did the weekly shop . Normality resumes , but that 's fine with me . Thankfully , due to eating pretty sensibly on holiday , I haven 't put on any weight and I 've managed to procure some of the cholesterol lowering products needed today , so it will be interesting to see if they help . The result , however , was the ability to use the shed and it 's contents for it 's originally intended purpose , gardening and garden storage , as well as creating a pile of items to be donated to the next Give and Take event . I haven 't fully finished sorting through some of LB 's baby stuff that was in there , as I need to be in the right frame of mind for this task , so these items aren 't included in this month 's figure . Irrespective of this , the number of items put aside for donation this month ( and last ) was pretty respectable at 74 items . Adding this to the 530 items already donated so far this year , this takes my running total to 604 items . I haven 't really got any plans for any particular decluttering tasks to tackle next month . There 's nothing shouting out to me . I may tackle the tool / decorating equipment cupboards in OH 's office , if he 's in agreement , as these haven 't been re - organised for over 4 years , since they were built and are a bit of a mess . Hi , My name is Ann . Welcome to my blog . I love textiles , sewing / dressmaking , interiors , fashion , beauty , gardening and trying to live as frugally as I can whilst still enjoying what life has to offer . I live in East London with my partner and daughter and run my own small business from home .
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Every time I am about to give up on this blog , I just can 't quite let it go . Even though I 'm not exactly where I 'd like to be , fitness and healthy eating are a passion for me . I believe in it , and I want to live it and encourage others too . That said , here 's my latest crazy escapade in the world of fitness ; - ) I rolled out of bed VERY LATE that morning . So late , in fact , that my kids were already awake and lurking about . My husband was hungry and wondering where his breakfast was going to come from . Dishes were piled high and obstacles blocked my path . I 'd decided I needed a " lazy day " yesterday which included the following : Over all , my great accomplishment that day was finishing a Janet Evanovich book and making my way out of the hot tub when it was time for bed . Normally , I don 't let myself have those kind of days , but I was REALLY worn out from days of running and I just needed it . Getting out of bed the next morning , I was definitely behind the 8 ball . Everything seemed hard and I will go as far as to admit that I didn 't want to try and find a pair of underpants and so I grabbed the pair that was laying on the floor by the side of my bed , discarded from yesterday . I was really grundging it up that morning with no exaggerations . I stumbled my way into a cup of coffee and before long I was back in my bedroom doing my daily devotions . Then that still small voice that I try to listen to ( especially when I am doing my devotions ) reminded me that there was a cross country ski race going on that day . I just couldn 't keep sitting there and an edgy feeling came over me . I knew I was supposed to go . I argued with myself , reminding myself of how unkempt I was and how I would need ALOT of time to resolve that issue . I 'd been waiting for my kids to get off the telephone and I dialed the mercantile . " Honey that race deadline is RIGHT NOW " the woman said . " You had till 10 : 30 to sign up and it is now 10 : 30 . They are all over there at the club right now . " Time stopped and I argued back to myself that I was sporting a lot of matted snarls and wearing capris . The conviction didn 't go away and I knew that when it came to conviction I wasn 't going to win . I began rushing around the house like a hobo on fire . My husband rolled his eyes and hauled my skis out to the car for me while I located some socks that REALLY CLASHED . I groaned , looking down at the teal socks , cammo and stubbly black leg hair combination . This was really bad . Next I rushed into the bedroom and threw on the first bra I saw . Unfortunately , it wasn 't accommodating for the extra 20 lbs I find myself sporting , and the results created strange overfill lines through my billowy black shirt . Without another thought , I was running through the door wearing ski boots with the laces untied and yelling out a distracted goodbye to anyone who might be listening . As I drove to the Rod and Gun club , I questioned my sanity more than once . I reasoned that they probably wouldn 't let me sign up because I was late . That was okay with me . I mainly wanted to support the event . I loved that they had brought an athletic event to the Yaak for the first time . I figured I could cheer if nothing else . I ran my fingers through my hair as I drove and a sinking feeling hit me . " What person in their right mind would dress like this for a winter athletic event ? ! ? " I pulled in and ran , ski boots still untied to the building and to the sign up crew . They were all really really happy to see me and insisted I sign right up . I looked around and realized that nobody cared about my personal hygiene except for me . These people had worked VERY HARD setting this up and there were only a handful of people here . My being there made a difference for them . I felt humbled and was glad again , that I wasn 't so full of myself that I couldn 't listen . We made our way up to the starting line . I figured it was going to be pretty easy . I 'd been told that it was only a mile long from start to finish . That was when it was announced that it was going to be 5 miles , 12 times around the track . Time stopped . I wondered if I had it in me to do that . I shrugged it off and prepared for the jockeying at the start . " On your mark ! Get Set ! Go ! ! " I took off as quick as I could and pushed hard to get out ahead . I could hardly stand the excitement , and I was glad , grungy and all , that I was there in that moment of time . Around and around the track I went . Each time pushing myself a little harder , a little faster and a little freer . My joints started to wake up and I was shocked to find that I was actually ahead of everybody . I figured that was short lived and so I wouldn 't let myself let up at all . After a while I lapped one of my girlfriends . Then I lapped another one . I fell down once but got up quick . I adjusted the girls a few times . I reminded myself in true Dori style " Just keep skiing . Just keep skiing . " Everybody was cheering for me . I hammed it up and smiled big . A professional photographer moved around the track and shot a gazillion photos of me . I almost bust out laughing at the irony of the situation . I decided this was probably a good lesson for me on humility . I was however , REALLY EXCITED about my temporary lead . I 'd NEVER been ahead in any kind of race I 'd ever been in EVER . Here I was , in the lead , people cheering for me and everything . This was a BIG DEAL ! ! Me - a frumpy feeling , greying , 40ish housewife with kids - suddenly becoming an all star elite athlete ( in my head ) . Amazingly , I was able to keep my lead despite the girls rebelling against the ill fitting brazier and other random wardrobe malfunctions . Sweat busted out in every direction , but I was having the time of my life . I decided I was going to try and lap my last opponent but he was hell on wheels . He was a lot taller and a seasoned cross country ski racer . Around and around I went . It took me 9 1My husband was so proud , later on that night he took me out for Valentines Day Dinner and Dancing . Here we are post hygiene measures ; - ) I could HARDLY believe it when I went to this blog and realized it has been 9 months since I 've last posted . Then I thought about it and realized that with all I 've been through , there really wasn 't much I could post about ! ! I guess I should explain my predicament : - ) Back in March and April I was starting to slack off . In May I got REALLY SERIOUS and challenged maybe 100 of my facebook girlfriends to an " ABD CHALLENGE " . A bunch of us did abd work " Every Day The Month of May And In June Your Man Will Swoon " was my motto . It was a big pile o ' fun and really put the pressure on for me . As you can see by my " after shot " , it worked for me . I was also super excited that a lot of other women got inspired and were sporting super ripped abds : - ) I had about a week or two of glory and then all hell broke loose and my world fell apart and crashed down around me . We sold both our houses last June and officially became homeless . First we lived with another family ( AWKWARD ) , then we moved into an RV ( gulp ) . By that time everything I was trying to do went out the window . No more grinding grains or buying all organic . Oh , did I mention my husband also quit his job ? Yep , so I was really on a budget . I had a tiny refrigerator sometimes when it worked , most of the time we lived out of coolers . My trips to town for groceries were limited . I never had much empathy for people who told me they couldn 't cook healthy . Then I had to survive out of an RV cooking for a big family and I was really humbled for having that attitude . After that , we had a cabin on the property we bought , but for a long time ( months ) , I still only had a grill and burner to cook on . It was really really hard just to produce something edible and the idea of making myself something different was EXHAUSTING . Being homeless I didn 't do any special activities . No Bloomsday , No Mud Run , No Long Bridge Swim , NADA . After looking over the past 9 months , I realized I didn 't train for any athletic event because I was overwhelmed just trying to get by each day . Big ol ' bummer ! ! Its not like I just let myself go and gained 100 lbs . I tried to keep running , swimming , hiking , etc , but my motivation took a nose dive and the scale did tilt upward a good 10 lbs . When we started building our house , I made coffee and treats for the men every morning ( and I ate them ) . A lot of times I made them good lunches too . None of them cared all that much about calories or nutrition . The most cost effective way was lots of yummy carbs like pizza and spaghetti . You must see where I 'm going with this - yep , I ate it too . I was working like a dog painting and oiling and doing all the things I could to help out . I worked all day and collapsed into bed at night in an exhausted coma ( or was it a carb coma ) ? Thankfully I have this nice neighbor lady who has been encouraging me to work out with her . She 's really awesome . I showed her what I used to look like , and she is pretty sure I can get there again . So here I am , once again crawling back into the fitness and healthy eating lifestyle . I should be moving into my house in the next week and then things will be easier for me . I will unpack my kitchen stuff and begin again with a lot more humility than I had before . I like to keep up the illusion in my mind that I am a touch chic . Unfortunately , every once in a while that all comes crashing down and I am reduced to a mess of awkward emotions . This was the case with Clay Pigeon Shooting ( as it usually is ) . My entire family LOVES the sport ! ! Of course the men are always good and shoot like pros . My 17 year old , Saphira , is AMAZING . She could seriously do competitions . She has uncanny skill . Super Catman wowed everybody this time too . Even my daughter in law , Ali Cat showed a lot of spirit nailing some far shots . Then there 's me . I was all excited , got up there with a great attitude . . . . . . . and . . . . . . . . shot off an entire box of shells and DIDN ' T hit one airborne target . How embarrassing . Awkward silence . Nobody says anything at all . I just stand there as if time stopped . I try not to tear up . Its no fun stinking at something everybody else loves . However , I try to put myself in other peoples positions . Some of us aren 't as good of swimmers or at snowboarding . I 'm always proud of whatever progress my family makes . The important thing isn 't to spend the next week ashamed of my failures . Its to move on and keep pushing at being better in other things . I 'm not particularly excited about next round with the ol ' shot guns , but I 'm still gonna go out there and shoot a box and probably be just as embarrassed . Art Dog promises that eventually , it is very probable that I will hit a target if I keep aiming the gun and shooting at them . Sometimes in life we just gotta suck things up . Here 's some more thing learned , progress this month : - Upon a follow up apt for my boys who both had broken bones , the orthopaedist told us that 90 % of North Idaho is Vitamin D deficient . He strongly recommended we start supplementing . I 'm not into doing all sorts of vitamins , but he had a lot of knowledge on the subject , so I suppose a little " D " won 't hurt to add to our diets . - As pictured above , my dear husband , who had strongly refused to eat broccoli for as long as I have known him , strangely decided to try the organic stuff I bought . Amazingly he liked it . It has been hard to spend the money on organics , but I am thankful for the added blessings it has brought . I am sooo sore from snowboarding the other day . Hooo Doggies . I wish I could fit that into my schedule more often : - ) It felt really really good to be up there . Best boarding I 've done in a long time . Here are some fun pictures from snowshoeing up Flatiron Mountain . The snow pack is low this year making it a bit easier than years before . It was also a warm day which was really nice ! I was so glad my husband agreed to going : - ) I 've been ( mostly ) writing down calories and have lost about 5 lbs of the Christmas pudge . Also been getting back to Zumba ( super fun ) and getting out on more hikes and runs . Just cutting back on carbs made me notice an immediate difference in my energy level . - Last week , I had one of my kids ( who has a harder time with weight ) , count calories for a day . He did really well with it , and kind of even enjoyed doing it as a school subject . It is hard to find time to get the kids exercising a lot when they are tied up with school work and chores for the better part of the day . Unfortunately , good excuses for a sedimentary lifestyle do not turn fat into muscle . I have my work cut out for me finding ways to motivate my kids : - ) The day I hit the " 130 " mark , I knew I had gone too far off course . I had promised myself that the " 125 " mark would sound an alarm in my head , but I was busy and there was too much going on over the holidays . I ordered " Oxygen Magazine " figuring that it would be a good motivator . Uhh . . . . . yeah , maybe if I took the time to read it ( insert eye rolling here ) . Then January 1st rolled around leaving me feeling like I was being suffocated in lard . All my jeans were too tight and that unsightly muffin top loomed over the top of my otherwise sexy jeans . My self esteem took a plunge . . . . . . . . . After wallowing in fat for a while , I tried writing down calories and " meant well " but was busy . After finding I was doing that for almost a week , I decided I needed to be more militant about doing this . Then I read my fitness blog . I thought " wow where have I been ? ! " I realized that even if I motivated no one , I needed to be true to myself . Reading it encouraged me and reminded me who I really am . . . . . . . . . In other news , we had fun company over the holidays . My good friend " M " was here . She has 7 kids and lives on a very limited budget . 3 are now grown and out of the house . She grows a lot of her own food and has strong convictions on organics and non gmo foods . She also studies medicinal herbs . She came loaded up with salves and armed with all kinds of knowledge . At first I was a little bit overwhelmed . I knew the information was good , but actually integrating it into life takes time and money . I finally decided that I 'm not going to hold off any longer . If she can live this way , I have no excuse for not doing it myself . She also introduced me to Comfrey Salve . This is what the plant looks like ( thank you google images ) . She went on and on about how wonderful it is . Finally she told me to try some . I tried using it over the top of where I think I may have I . T . Band problems . The spasm IMMEDIATELY stopped . I was sold . As an ER nurse , I see people all the time with muscular spasms to the point of agony . Obviously I 'm not allowed to treat anybody with such things , but I am for sure armed with this knowledge now . Its not an old wives tale . The comfrey salve really made a difference . I plan to start making some this spring for my personal use and the use of my family . I will no longer rely on commercial made anti - inflammatories for my only form of relief . - I 'm going organic with milk and yogurt . Its hard to do because of the cost , but I have decided this is a necessary step for me . The yogurt is about 40 cents more for a brand we like . This will not be hard to do . The milk is quite a bit more . I plan to buy less milk to help compensate for that . I have decided that rather than constantly keep the refrigerator stocked , I would rather run out and be giving my children a better quality product . Since there is always cheese and yogurt in the refrigerator , I am not overly concerned about being out for a few days at a time . - I 'm going to start grinding my own flour FOR REAL . I have used a coffee grinder half cup at a time up until now . The bulk of my flour in recipes comes from a bag because the coffee grinder is time consuming and burns out with my standard 20 cup need for bread . For at least 10 - 15 years I have had the conviction to do this , but not followed through due to financial reasons of buying a good grinder . This month we are buying a grinder . This month I will be buying grain . It is healthier , cost effective and just smart to keep on hand . My friend " M " says she has fed gluten intolerant people her bread and they have had no ill effects . This should be food for thought . My friend " G " makes her own bread with fresh ground flour , always , and also inspired me . - Gulp . . . . . I 'm going to pay closer attention to the " Dirty Dozen " of organics . I may not always hit it , but I will consciously try to make an effort . Taken from organic . org , here are the 12 most contaminated foods : 12 Most Contaminated Peaches Keeping my motivation has been pretty hard to do . In April , I tried counting calories for a while , but I was planning my daughters graduation party and my parents coming . I got so overwhelmed with trying to focus on too many things and had to give that up to keep my sanity . It did help for a little bit . In the end , I decided if I was going to look the way I wanted to for the big party , I was going to have to do some fasting . I wanted to pray and fast anyway , because I was such a nervous wreck about having 100 or more people over to my house . In the end , I weighed what I wanted to and the party was a smashing success with 120 guests in all . My son , his fiancé , my younger son and daughter and I are here in this picture right before we did the 7 1 / 2 mile run . It was a good motivator for me . I felt good about my time . Last year , I ran with my girlfriends and thought I was going to throw up the entire time averaging 10 min miles . This time , I lost my friend and her daughter in the first few miles , so I ran my own pace . I still did 10 min miles and beat my time by a few seconds . It was also a lot hotter out . I was pretty amazed . My Mom and Dad were here for 2 weeks . It was a good visit , with a lot of challenges . A normal visit with my mom entails a lot of good food , chocolate , and board / card games . Of course I was stressed out trying to buy and make good food and not gain a lot of weight . After all , In my mind , feeding a person good is showing love right ? The first week and beyond , I pretty much gained 1 / 3 to 1 / 2 lb per day . I 'd look at the scale and felt powerless to do anything about it . Finally , one day I got really fed up . Something in me just snapped . I was just cooking all this crap , and we were all eating it . I was buying this crap , and we were all eating it . We 'd have a meal , a snack , another snack , another meal , and so on . It was just too much rich food and it was sabotaging us all . As I watched my kids eating it , I felt like I was going to be sick . I was just keeping the same thing in motion that had gone on for generations before me , letting it continue its perpetual motion . That next morning , I got up and prayed hard . I asked God to give me the strength to fight this stronghold in my family . I could feel opposition in the air . I stopped eating so much and cooking so much . I forced myself to pay attention to what I was eating . I didn 't do things perfectly . I still had too many treats , but I watched what I ate closely . I started to feel empowered . Soon I was not gaining weight . My mom and I had some good conversations . It was a good seed planted . Obesity is a generational curse . We grow familiar to it and let it take us . If I don 't resist it , knowingly , its not long before I resort back to old patterns , especially when I 'm around my family . My mom thinks I need to gain 5 or 10 lbs . I wish I could lose 5 or 10 lbs . My mom says " you look the best you 've ever looked " , but she also says " what happened to your boobs ? ! " She 's funny . Her idea of what I should look like is different from mine . That 's okay . I had a lot of flashbacks of my eating patterns from childhood and I see that my younger kids are all to willing to go that route . I decided that I am NOT buying sugar cereal for the summer PERIOD . Its not healthy , not needed . I 'm not " loving them " by getting it for them . I 'm using it as a cheap way to pacify my guilt trip to make up for a day of being gone at work . No more . So to make myself feel better , I buy them this crap that spikes their blood sugar , makes them hyper , and fills their developing bodies with processed , chemically altered poison . Nope . No cereal all summer . No , I 'm not going to be a cereal Nazi , I 'm just not buying it . Truth is , I 've always known that many generations of my family has fought obesity . This is no surprise . I just thought that I was on the winning edge . I 'd beat it and I was helping my kids to make different choices . Then in the blink of an eye , I 'm falling into all my old patterns of RECREATIONAL EATING . Yes , recreational eating . Recreational eating means that you eat as a form of recreation , rather than as a way to fuel your body . When you fuel your body , you think about what it needs , not what it wants . Thinking this way is a never ending battle for me . Most of my thinking has to do with finding a way to make my sugar fix , my salt fix , my fat fix . Anyhow , I truly believe that my kids don 't have to go through what my my grandmother , my mother , and I went through . I 'm just crazy enough to believe that with God 's help , obesity 's power can once and for all be defeated . My children don 't have suffer the things we did . They can grow up being healthy and passing down healthy traits to future generations . Selah . My life is full of humor , adventure and fun . I have a vivid imagination that often takes me on exciting adventures ( and sometimes gets me into a whole pack of trouble ) . Despite these challenges , joy abounds . . . .
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Yesterday I played " Tough Mommy " ( my husband calls it " Broncho - busting mode " ) . Ricki was in a very bad mood . I later realized that once she had eaten supper , she calmed down ) , but this was before that . She was intent on taking eight ( ! ) slices of bread for supper , and I was not willing for her to stuff herself in that way . I agreed to two - three slices . Nor was I willing for her to take soya ( in addition to the soup ) . I simply stood by the stove , guarding acess to the forbidden foodstuffs , and waited for her to realize that I wasn 't going to give in , even if she would call me names , threaten to hit me , etc . She finally gave up , but continued calming me names , telling me to " shut up " . I ignored her , and sat down to eat my supper with her . As she calmed down , she suddenly started apologizing . " No , I won 't forgive you . . . " I claimed ( though in my heart I did ) . I felt that she needs to learn that spitting and name calling will not be overlooked . n Yes , it was tough . But I have found that a few tough days like this does wonders in influencing subsequent behaviors . Tonight Ricki on HER OWN took only two slices of bread with her egg . Already for a week and a half , Ricki has been acting ( on the whole ) , much better than in the preceding several months . On one day , I happened to do a lot of activities with Ricki , and I noticed an increase in good behavior . Noting this , I was cautiously hopeful , and tried my theory out on subsequent days . And I was correct : the busier I could keep Ricki , the happier and better - behaved side of her showed . Just tonight she was fighting with her father . I went in , and fished out an activity book , and minutes later she had forgotten the argument and was happily at work on the booklet . So if you have kids who are misbehaving , ask yourself : Are they bored ? The other day I sent Ricki downstairs to meet her ride to school . I checked from the window to see that she wasn 't making a detour to the grocery store , and that she crossed the street carefully . Then I went back to the task at hand . A few minutes later , I went again to the window , to see if her ride had arrived . Then I saw IT . A pink schoolbag . Ricki has somehow gotten hold of a schoolbag which was definitely not hers . I was surprised ; people usually don 't leave bags lying around , even if they have to make a quick dash to do something . There is too much risk of someone calling the bomb squad ( and the bag getting shot at ) . But there Ricki was , prancing happily on " her " corner , with a lovely pink schoolbag . I told Ricki to leave it alone , but she was not in the mood to listen . And I knew that if I would go downstairs , Ricki would only run away ahead of me , walking to school on her own . So I called her driver and was about to explain to him NOT to let Ricki enter the car with the bag , that it wasn 't hers . Suddenly the 9 year - old owner of the bag turned up , extracted her possessions from Ricki ( who readily returned it ) , and walked off to school . ( Bet she doesn 't leave her bag lying around in the future … . . ) [ imgage : a poor picture of " Y " in uniform ] / > [ image : A better picture , which Ricki 's older sister took . ] / > My son " Y " is back already from the army for a one - day leave . They apparently want to send him to a course , and will be " really " starting with him in a few days . After two VERY BORING days , he was relieved to be sent home . [ He will be treated in the meantime like a " jobnik " ( desk - worker ) inductee , and will only start his combat tour of duty in about half a year . ] When I asked him if he felt like a " pin cushion " ( after receiving MANY vaccinations ) , he laughed and said " Yes ! " . Then he added that they had also taken a blood sample for bone - marrow matching . Then he added : - " But it 's voluntary ; not all of the soldiers opted for it . " - " Why in the world would they refuse ? ! ? " - " If they are afraid of needles … or , they want one needle stick less ….”- " But we 're talking about the chance to save a LIFE ! " - " Nu , some of them are spoiled little children … . . " So parents , please be sure to inform your soon - to - be - inducted soldiers to be sure to not opt out of this important mitzvah ( good deed ) . PS to Yesterday 's Post : Yesterday she did NOT throw clothespins when bringing the laundry in . But I suspect that she realized that we were watching . Sunday afternoon I had to pop over to Ricki 's pediatrician , in order to pick up the needed papers for her prescriptions for the coming month . No one else was home except for Ricki 's married sister who lives on the roof ( meaning that in emergency , someone WAS home ) , and Ricki wanted to come with me . However , she was not dressed , and I had no intention of waiting for Ricki to get dressed , especially as her doctor 's office is literally less than half a block away . [ I would be back within fifteen minutes , maximum . ] Also , Ricki had ( SIGH , Roll my eyes ) thrown ICE CREAM out the window ( and onto the formerly neighbor 's laundry ) , and I had decided that her staying home was a fitting punishment . Ricki was none too pleased , and decided that she would go to a neighbor . Not wanting to let her " punishment " be turned into a prize , I informed her sternly that I don 't allow , and if she will not be in the house on my return , she will be confined to her bedroom for most of the evening . It worked . She was at home when I returned . She realized that I meant what I said . Progress is being made ! As I have often mentioned ( last time being this last Thursday ) , Ricki has a penchant for throwing things out the window . On Saturday afternoon I was alerted to her bombarding the sidewalk with nectarine slices by the unbelieving surprised cry of a witness to the act from below . She couldn 't fathom ( judging from her tone ) , who could do such a thing … . At least I was appraised of the situation as it started , and was able to put a quick stop to the felony . Now Ricki LOVES to hang up laundry , but when bringing it in , she is often too lazy to put the clothespins in their basket , and simply lets them drop the three floors to the sidewalk . ( I hope she never hits anyone with them . ) So this evening , Ricki volunteered eagerly to hang up the floor - cleaning rags , only to discover , to her horror , that she couldn 't , because she had apparently earlier today chucked most of our clothespins to the sidewalk . She sheepishly went to collect them , and happily returned , bearing an armload of clothespins . Now it will be interesting if I leave the rags on the line until tomorrow afternoon , and let Ricki bring them in … if she will again let the clothespins fly , or if she has a new respect for the value of keeping them and storing them in their place . Ricki worked on hot beads this last week . First we finished off the last of the bigger - sized ones : Then she attempted the small size for the first time . ( I helped with the teddy , but the frame she did 95 % on her own . ) You will find more of " Magic Marker Monday " HERE . My two strapping teenage sons just walked out the door five minutes ago . One ( D ) is returning to his ( relatively safe ) service as a driver in the army . The other ( Y ) , brimming with the excitement and hope of a youth headed for a " man 's job " , is entering the army today as a soldier in " Givati " . This means that for the next three years he will be a member of Israel 's front - line troupes , as well as a lifetime of reserve duty . The next few weeks will be extra - intensive as he competes for the privilege of entering an elite unit . As a mother , I try and ignore the worries and fears that pop up in my head * , and center my thoughts on just loving the two of them . I remember how the first few weeks in the army radically changed my first soldier - son ( D ) . And I wonder how well Y will take the initial training period , and how he might change in the upcoming weeks . * ( Don 't ask me how I will deal with my fears if a war breaks out . ) I have a chair - one which could possibly be called an armchair - in the corner of my living room . This was purchased at a used - furniture outlet about two years ago . I was happy to have a slightly less extravagant chair ( ie . , not a real padded armchair ) , because the difference in price was tremendous . I really do not have the extra cash for an armchair right now ( if at all ) . About two months ago I noticed that some of the wooden pieces were separating , and asked my 18 year old ( strong , muscular ) son to fix it . He and a friend tackled the job , but after about half an hour , called it " quits " , and declared the chair a hopeless case . I was not so willing to give up , and left the chair in place . A few days later I approached the chair with an attitude of " Why didn 't it go for them ? " I quickly figured out that a certain precursory straightening of a second board was needed , and after that I managed to glue and hammer the chair into working state . Early this week Ricki must have made a flying superman leap onto the armchair , as she managed to break the wooden board that supports the seat cushion . However , on closer examination , I realized that one of the supporting bars needed strengthening as well , or it would soon come out of place . So yesterday I bought the hardware , and in the evening asked my son again to do the " man 's work " . ( I mean , he DOES have stronger muscles than me . ) About a half - hour later he reported failure . So this morning I went to check out exactly what had been done . Several screws were half - in , but other then that , the job was pretty good . The screws just needed further insertion , and one more strengthening metal corner added . However , on trying to insert the screws further , I realized that strength alone would not work . So I again asked myself " Why isn 't this going ? " I suspected that the screw driver was a smidgen too small , and I went to exchange it . Sure enough , with the correct size screw driver , the screws went in full length . I added on the extra corner , as well , and later Posted by I 've had it with Ricki acting like a bomber plane . You name it … almost anything she finds inconvenient is " throw - out - the - window " material for her . When bringing in the laundry from the line , she is more likely than not to chuck the clothespins downstairs , rather than take the extra three seconds to deposit them in the clothes - pin basket . She also regularly bombards the sidewalk with soy patties , bread , and tomatoes . Tuesday I made meatballs for lunch , but Ricki was hungry before they were ready , and tried to sneak two breaded soy patties out of the freezer . I caught her , telling her that if she wanted soy , she was limited to ONE , and she would forfeit the soon - to - be - ready meatballs . Her reaction ? She went to the porch , locked the door , downed one patty , and threw the second out of the window . Thus , she thought , she would still be eligible to get meatballs , because she * doesn 't * have the patties … I immediately informed Ricki that she had just eaten her lunch , and would not be receiving meatballs . Her reply to this was that she was STARVING . Well , I guess that I was a bit too exasperated , and I told her " Well , if you REALLY are hungry , you can go downstairs and get that soy … " So she did . I just hope that she at least brushed it off before consuming it … Color me chagrined … . By popular request , this week I am posting the pictures RICKI took ( see " Special Exposure Wednesday " of last week ) . [ Image : This is a view of the Mount of Olives . ] You 'll find more of " special exposure Wednesday " HERE . [ Image : The Cardo , Jerusalem ] [ Image : The Restored " Churvah " synagoue . ] ( The Churvah was destroyed by the Jordanians in 1948 . It was recently rebuilt . ) I had tried all week to watch what I ate , but was not 100 % . I wanted to walk extra to " make up " the extra calories , but I was VERY stern in calculating any slip - ups . The end result was that even extra walking on Wednesday and Thursday was not enough . So I hit the pavement early on Friday morning , and figured that I could get out again in the evening if needed . It WAS needed ( if I want to lose a full kilo this week ) , but felt unwilling to do so , not Friday night , and not Saturday . I didn 't even do my regular Sat . AM walk , but took a REAL vacation . I felt a bit fed up with walking , watching every bite , etc . Maybe I felt that I just wouldn 't walk enough to loose a full kilo this week , and felt bad enough about that to " give up " . This scares me a bit . Actually , it scares me a lot . If it continues , it is the way back to weighing a whopping 150 kilos . And that is something I DO NOT want . However , I was careful about not overeating , and I feel confident that tomorrow I will be out walking as regular , and yes , watching every bite . I think I just needed a ( slight ) break . But that " vacation " means that I may not loose this week . ( I am pretty confident that I will not gain . I WAS pretty good . ) However , the bigger damage is the weakening of the feeling that I will do what I need to lose , no matter if I am in the mood or not . I really need to keep that feeling that weight loss is one of my priorities . I need to remember WHY I am doing this , and the loss if I do not continue . But I WILL continue . I am NOT stopping now . OK , I had a weak two days , but I am not going to let that mild slip - up become an avalanche . NO WAY ! I have friends with teenagers with Down syndrome who need to be reminded constantly to let their children be more independent . I don 't need the reminding , Ricki does it for me . She simply chooses independence , and if I am stupid enough not to realize in advance what she is likely to attempt , and prepare her for it , then she is running a big risk . Whenever we go to her exercise class , she alights from the bus in a hurry , and walks ahead briskly , in order to walk on her own . And if I manage to keep apace with her , and arrive at the building 's elevator before she disappears within , she will give me dirty looks and scowls . Last week was a time that she definitely beat me , but something unusual occurred . When I arrived a few minutes after Ricki , she was NOT there . I called her name repeatedly , and received no reply . I quickly checked the floor above , and ran down the stairs , checking each floor with a glance , including the parking area beneath the building . Then I quickly glanced outside on the ground floor , but still no Ricki . By this time I was terrified that some pervert had dragged her to some corner and assaulted her . I then ran back up to the floor where the class is held , but Ricki was not there . A moment later , she emerged from the elevator . It seems that she had gone to the bathroom , and had either not heard me calling her name , or had chosen not to reply . I of course roundly berated her for the scare , trying to impress on her that near - empty buildings can be very dangerous places . Fast forward to today ( Sunday ) . Ricki and I went for a day of sightseeing in Jerusalem , followed by a visit to several of my grandchildren in the afternoon . The first thing I did with Ricki on arriving in the city was to treat her to a breakfast in a bagel restaurant … . . a real adult type of thing . While there , she indicated that she wanted to freshen up in the bathroom , so I instructed her how to ask the waiter where the restroom was . It was not on the premises , but down a hallway . I was then saying the grace after the meal , aPosted by On Friday morning , after writing my post , I went to town to run a few errands . As I was doing so , I happened to pass a store ( " Elegant Paris " in Bnai Brak ) where I had skeptically entered two months ago , to see if maybe they had anything in my size . Why skeptically ? Because it was a " regular " store , not a self proclaimed " big sizes " one , and I fully expected the saleslady to either hiss or mournfully inform me ( as I have experienced in the past ) that they had nothing in my size . But she didn 't ( making me feel rather " normal " ) , and on that occasion I had found a good under blouse just perfect to complement a - way - too - revealing - mesh top bought in the " big sizes " store . So yesterday , I wandered in , on whim , to see what they had . And they had plenty of things just ( barely ) my size . And in addition , they charge a price much cheaper than the " big sizes " store . * However , what impressed me most was when I was considering whether to purchase an item that I was unsure of , the saleslady said " If you 're not sure , don 't buy it . I don 't want you to walk out with something you won 't be happy with … " In the end I bought the same design in a different color , and walked out content indeed . I know where I will go FIRST next time I am aiming to purchase clothing … . * Last time I was in the big sizes store , I heard a lady asking the saleslady why they were SO expensive . She replied that all the extra material costs money … Um … . The extra ½ meter ( at most ) of cloth costs them 20 - 30 shekels , and the price gets marked up by at least 70 - 100 shekels … . . The obvious truth is that if their customers can not go elsewhere , it is easy to mark your prices up …… A lot of women ( 99 . 99 % ? ? ? ) enjoy shopping . I also do , as long as I am shopping for dishes , silver , jewelry , books , toys , etc . Clothing is another story . For years , shopping for clothing was a torture . Finding anything in my size was nigh - well impossible , and what there was available was invariably expensive . Often I had to purchase items I did not really care for , simply because I had no time to sew , and these items were the only available things I could find . Shopping for clothing was a big reminder of just how overweight I was , how I was way beyond the norm . And how society has no place for the overweight individual . Recently , as I have managed to lose weight ( 44 kilos so far ! ) , I have found that shopping for clothing can be fun . In certain stores , I can find things in my size , and in a few there is a real choice . My only problem with these outlets is that many of them design clothing that is not modest enough for the dictates of Jewish law , and I will need to supplement the items I purchase with under - blouses , alter too - open necklines , line see - though sleeves , etc . [ In one store , when I asked if they didn 't have a " basic blouse " available for me to wear when trying on their short - sleeved sweaters , it became apparent that ALL of their blouses ( in addition to their other things ) had a low , dipping neckline . I asked the saleslady , " I have a question for you . I know that as a non - religious lady , you are not concerned with the " modesty " of the low neckline . But in winter , aren 't you COLD with half of your upper chest exposed ? ? ? ! ? ? ? " ( Her answer was that they wear scarves with it . This , to me , sounds like a very difficult way to stay warm . It seems to me that a scarf would slip , fall , not cover well , etc . ) Why a winter sweater needs a dipping neckline is beyond me …… . ] Anyway , after buying early this week several items at two specialty " big size " stores , I set out to purchase some turtleneck under - blouses and a few simple winter blouses to supplement my purchases . And that is when my bubble bPosted by This is my standard 1 : 00 noon snack before my nap ( except in winter ) . I eat lunch later . You need a good strong blender stick for this . This has about 200 - 250 - 300 calories , depending on what fruits or additives you use . Made with low - fat yogurt , the calorie count is not bad , considering that you get lots of dairy and ( in the fruit version ) fruit . And drunk with a straw on a hot summer day , it is soothing and very satisfying . Fruit version : - 2 half - frozen 0 % fat diet yogurts ( or frozen completely then both defrosted together for 45 seconds in the mcro at high strength , then sliced ) - one or two fruits ( depending on type and amount of calories available for this snack - meal ) , such as peaches , pears , kiwi , strawberries , blueberries - optional : ( if you have the calories for it ) 10 almonds or wheat germ ( both are good at helping to prevent dementia ) - 3 packets of artificial sugar substituteBLEND in a big glass with a blender stick . Non - fruit version ) - 2 half - frozen 0 % yogurts - 1 half - frozen diet 0 % fat pudding - yogurt ( " maadan " in Hebrew ) - 2 packs sweetner - 1 teaspoon coffee ( optional ) - a FEW almonds or walnut ( optional , depending on calories wanted ) - a bit of water ( 3 Tablespoons ) , as the frozen pudding is thicker . . . . Blend with blender stick A fairly easy cake to make if you have a blender / food processor . NOT dietetic . Very freezable . Ingredients : 1 margarine ( 200 gram - about 7 ounces ) ( best to soften a bit first , and slice into thinish slices ) 1 jar applesauce ( 700 gram - about 25 ounces ) 6 eggs100 gram ( 3 . 5 ounces ) of peeled nuts ( walnuts , or almonds ) 30 dates ( about ) 2 grated carrots4 cups sifted flour1 teas . salt11 / 2 cups sugar ¼ teaspoon cloves1 / 8 teaspoon ginger2 teas . cinnamonpinch of nutmeg2 envelopes ( ie . , 20 grams ) baking powderPreparation : De - seed the dates , and check for infestation . In a food processor , put the checked dates , applesauce , eggs , nuts , and margarine . Process until the margarine , nuts , and dates are well blended into the liquids . Add the grated carrots and mix in ( not blend ) , and set aside . In a bowl , put the sifted flour , sugar , spices , salt , and baking powder . Stir to mix . Add into this the " wet " mixture , and stir . Pour into greased oven tray and bake about 45 minutes at 150 degrees centigrade ( medium heat ) , until done . Well , our trial with the buzzer alarm was short and sweet . Last night Ricki announced " I don 't want it . It wakes me up … . . " Although last night I let it go , this morning , on further reflection on the issue , I think that I am going to have to act a bit more firmly than I have until now . I think I will institute some type of prize as an incentive just for wearing the alarm . In addition , I think I need to sit down and explain the alarm 's importance , and if necessary , give a punishment if she will not agree to comply and wear it . * * * * * * Yesterday morning I decided to walk to a park that is about a forty minute walk from our house , and there walk on their " walking path " for an hour . I particularly like this walk , as the park is downhill from us , and the walking path is level . The total of about 100 minutes walking is just right , and from the edge of the park I can take a bus which takes me to a minute 's walk from the house . So yesterday I did the sweet hike , and even walked an extra little bit . But upon reaching the bus station , I was in for a surprise . My fare had somehow been lost , and I would have to return home ( tired , and going uphill ) on foot . So I saved $ 2 . 5 , and gained nearly 4000 extra steps . I followed this up with a shopping trip , and lots of housework … . eventually totaling an exhausting 22 , 000 steps ! Last night Ricki dawdled no end , so by the time that she crawled into bed , she was TIRED . So it came as no surprise that she refused to go to the toilet ( before going to sleep ) . " No toilet , no buzzer alarm " was my reply . Pause … . Pause … . . ( Groan ) … a few choice words about how she feels about Mommy ( hereby censored . . . . ) … and she trudged to the bathroom . EUREKA ! One battle in this war won …… Ricki is a bed wetter . As I have mentioned before , this has little to do with her Down syndrome , and much more to do with the tendency of everyone in the family ( besides me ) to sleep VERY DEEPLY . However , the other kids ( those who did bed wet ) stopped fairly early ( on the whole ) , as they had a burning desire to get beyond this . That desire seems to have been lacking in Ricki . She simply apparently had little reason to make the extra effort . ( Yea , I know , I tried prizes , I make her do all the work of taking off wet sheets , etc . ) I once tried an alarm system ( which worked exceptionally well with my other bed wetters ) , but Ricki was scared to death of the noise , and point blank refused to wear it . Once she had a problem of wetting in the daytime as well ( only when at home , out of the house she felt the need to be OK . ) . That has decreased to a much lower level due to a consistent withdrawal of privileges whenever she wets at home , the withdrawal giving her enough reason to " get her act together " . It has actually always amazed me that it seems so hard for her to internalize the idea that life would be a lot easier if she would make the effort needed not to wet , not to throw papers on the floor , and not to throw stuff behind her bed . ( Because in all of these cases , she is the one who has to do the cleanup eventually … . ) For several years I have been taking Ricki to a doctor , who hearing from me that alarms don 't work with her , tried various medications ( often prescribed for bed wetting ) , usually to no avail . Finally , at our last visit to the doctor , I suggested that HE tell Ricki to use an alarm . It worked . She not only has agreed to use the alarm , but she requests it if I forget . Maybe she finally got tired of waking up wet . This blog is basically a diary , journal , and notes of observations . In the past it dealt mostly with the topics of special needs , especially a real view of what life is like with ( and for ) a teen with Down syndrome . However , since Ricki 's death in August 2012 , at age 17 , the amount of blogging on the subject of " special needs " has decreased . Additional topics are interpersonal relationships , life in Israel , and dieting . ( I have lost 75 kilos . . . ) ( And no , I did NOT have weight - loss surgery . . . . ) Also an occasional get - on - a - soapbox - and - tell - it - like - it - is personal opinion . Alpine flowers survive in the cold tundra climate . " Courage does not always roar . Sometimes it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying " Tomorrow I will try again " . Join me on Walker Tracker ! Walker Tracker is a ( FREE ) site where you can record steps walked ( as well as weight , aerobic steps , and more . . . ) , and even more than that , you can join " competitions ( against others or to reach a goal ) . It is a great motivator to get out stepping ! To Join , go HERE .
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Yesterday I played " Tough Mommy " ( my husband calls it " Broncho - busting mode " ) . Ricki was in a very bad mood . I later realized that once she had eaten supper , she calmed down ) , but this was before that . She was intent on taking eight ( ! ) slices of bread for supper , and I was not willing for her to stuff herself in that way . I agreed to two - three slices . Nor was I willing for her to take soya ( in addition to the soup ) . I simply stood by the stove , guarding acess to the forbidden foodstuffs , and waited for her to realize that I wasn 't going to give in , even if she would call me names , threaten to hit me , etc . She finally gave up , but continued calming me names , telling me to " shut up " . I ignored her , and sat down to eat my supper with her . As she calmed down , she suddenly started apologizing . " No , I won 't forgive you . . . " I claimed ( though in my heart I did ) . I felt that she needs to learn that spitting and name calling will not be overlooked . n Yes , it was tough . But I have found that a few tough days like this does wonders in influencing subsequent behaviors . Tonight Ricki on HER OWN took only two slices of bread with her egg . Already for a week and a half , Ricki has been acting ( on the whole ) , much better than in the preceding several months . On one day , I happened to do a lot of activities with Ricki , and I noticed an increase in good behavior . Noting this , I was cautiously hopeful , and tried my theory out on subsequent days . And I was correct : the busier I could keep Ricki , the happier and better - behaved side of her showed . Just tonight she was fighting with her father . I went in , and fished out an activity book , and minutes later she had forgotten the argument and was happily at work on the booklet . So if you have kids who are misbehaving , ask yourself : Are they bored ? The other day I sent Ricki downstairs to meet her ride to school . I checked from the window to see that she wasn 't making a detour to the grocery store , and that she crossed the street carefully . Then I went back to the task at hand . A few minutes later , I went again to the window , to see if her ride had arrived . Then I saw IT . A pink schoolbag . Ricki has somehow gotten hold of a schoolbag which was definitely not hers . I was surprised ; people usually don 't leave bags lying around , even if they have to make a quick dash to do something . There is too much risk of someone calling the bomb squad ( and the bag getting shot at ) . But there Ricki was , prancing happily on " her " corner , with a lovely pink schoolbag . I told Ricki to leave it alone , but she was not in the mood to listen . And I knew that if I would go downstairs , Ricki would only run away ahead of me , walking to school on her own . So I called her driver and was about to explain to him NOT to let Ricki enter the car with the bag , that it wasn 't hers . Suddenly the 9 year - old owner of the bag turned up , extracted her possessions from Ricki ( who readily returned it ) , and walked off to school . ( Bet she doesn 't leave her bag lying around in the future … . . ) [ imgage : a poor picture of " Y " in uniform ] / > [ image : A better picture , which Ricki 's older sister took . ] / > My son " Y " is back already from the army for a one - day leave . They apparently want to send him to a course , and will be " really " starting with him in a few days . After two VERY BORING days , he was relieved to be sent home . [ He will be treated in the meantime like a " jobnik " ( desk - worker ) inductee , and will only start his combat tour of duty in about half a year . ] When I asked him if he felt like a " pin cushion " ( after receiving MANY vaccinations ) , he laughed and said " Yes ! " . Then he added that they had also taken a blood sample for bone - marrow matching . Then he added : - " But it 's voluntary ; not all of the soldiers opted for it . " - " Why in the world would they refuse ? ! ? " - " If they are afraid of needles … or , they want one needle stick less ….”- " But we 're talking about the chance to save a LIFE ! " - " Nu , some of them are spoiled little children … . . " So parents , please be sure to inform your soon - to - be - inducted soldiers to be sure to not opt out of this important mitzvah ( good deed ) . PS to Yesterday 's Post : Yesterday she did NOT throw clothespins when bringing the laundry in . But I suspect that she realized that we were watching . Sunday afternoon I had to pop over to Ricki 's pediatrician , in order to pick up the needed papers for her prescriptions for the coming month . No one else was home except for Ricki 's married sister who lives on the roof ( meaning that in emergency , someone WAS home ) , and Ricki wanted to come with me . However , she was not dressed , and I had no intention of waiting for Ricki to get dressed , especially as her doctor 's office is literally less than half a block away . [ I would be back within fifteen minutes , maximum . ] Also , Ricki had ( SIGH , Roll my eyes ) thrown ICE CREAM out the window ( and onto the formerly neighbor 's laundry ) , and I had decided that her staying home was a fitting punishment . Ricki was none too pleased , and decided that she would go to a neighbor . Not wanting to let her " punishment " be turned into a prize , I informed her sternly that I don 't allow , and if she will not be in the house on my return , she will be confined to her bedroom for most of the evening . It worked . She was at home when I returned . She realized that I meant what I said . Progress is being made ! As I have often mentioned ( last time being this last Thursday ) , Ricki has a penchant for throwing things out the window . On Saturday afternoon I was alerted to her bombarding the sidewalk with nectarine slices by the unbelieving surprised cry of a witness to the act from below . She couldn 't fathom ( judging from her tone ) , who could do such a thing … . At least I was appraised of the situation as it started , and was able to put a quick stop to the felony . Now Ricki LOVES to hang up laundry , but when bringing it in , she is often too lazy to put the clothespins in their basket , and simply lets them drop the three floors to the sidewalk . ( I hope she never hits anyone with them . ) So this evening , Ricki volunteered eagerly to hang up the floor - cleaning rags , only to discover , to her horror , that she couldn 't , because she had apparently earlier today chucked most of our clothespins to the sidewalk . She sheepishly went to collect them , and happily returned , bearing an armload of clothespins . Now it will be interesting if I leave the rags on the line until tomorrow afternoon , and let Ricki bring them in … if she will again let the clothespins fly , or if she has a new respect for the value of keeping them and storing them in their place . Ricki worked on hot beads this last week . First we finished off the last of the bigger - sized ones : Then she attempted the small size for the first time . ( I helped with the teddy , but the frame she did 95 % on her own . ) You will find more of " Magic Marker Monday " HERE . My two strapping teenage sons just walked out the door five minutes ago . One ( D ) is returning to his ( relatively safe ) service as a driver in the army . The other ( Y ) , brimming with the excitement and hope of a youth headed for a " man 's job " , is entering the army today as a soldier in " Givati " . This means that for the next three years he will be a member of Israel 's front - line troupes , as well as a lifetime of reserve duty . The next few weeks will be extra - intensive as he competes for the privilege of entering an elite unit . As a mother , I try and ignore the worries and fears that pop up in my head * , and center my thoughts on just loving the two of them . I remember how the first few weeks in the army radically changed my first soldier - son ( D ) . And I wonder how well Y will take the initial training period , and how he might change in the upcoming weeks . * ( Don 't ask me how I will deal with my fears if a war breaks out . ) I have a chair - one which could possibly be called an armchair - in the corner of my living room . This was purchased at a used - furniture outlet about two years ago . I was happy to have a slightly less extravagant chair ( ie . , not a real padded armchair ) , because the difference in price was tremendous . I really do not have the extra cash for an armchair right now ( if at all ) . About two months ago I noticed that some of the wooden pieces were separating , and asked my 18 year old ( strong , muscular ) son to fix it . He and a friend tackled the job , but after about half an hour , called it " quits " , and declared the chair a hopeless case . I was not so willing to give up , and left the chair in place . A few days later I approached the chair with an attitude of " Why didn 't it go for them ? " I quickly figured out that a certain precursory straightening of a second board was needed , and after that I managed to glue and hammer the chair into working state . Early this week Ricki must have made a flying superman leap onto the armchair , as she managed to break the wooden board that supports the seat cushion . However , on closer examination , I realized that one of the supporting bars needed strengthening as well , or it would soon come out of place . So yesterday I bought the hardware , and in the evening asked my son again to do the " man 's work " . ( I mean , he DOES have stronger muscles than me . ) About a half - hour later he reported failure . So this morning I went to check out exactly what had been done . Several screws were half - in , but other then that , the job was pretty good . The screws just needed further insertion , and one more strengthening metal corner added . However , on trying to insert the screws further , I realized that strength alone would not work . So I again asked myself " Why isn 't this going ? " I suspected that the screw driver was a smidgen too small , and I went to exchange it . Sure enough , with the correct size screw driver , the screws went in full length . I added on the extra corner , as well , and later Posted by I 've had it with Ricki acting like a bomber plane . You name it … almost anything she finds inconvenient is " throw - out - the - window " material for her . When bringing in the laundry from the line , she is more likely than not to chuck the clothespins downstairs , rather than take the extra three seconds to deposit them in the clothes - pin basket . She also regularly bombards the sidewalk with soy patties , bread , and tomatoes . Tuesday I made meatballs for lunch , but Ricki was hungry before they were ready , and tried to sneak two breaded soy patties out of the freezer . I caught her , telling her that if she wanted soy , she was limited to ONE , and she would forfeit the soon - to - be - ready meatballs . Her reaction ? She went to the porch , locked the door , downed one patty , and threw the second out of the window . Thus , she thought , she would still be eligible to get meatballs , because she * doesn 't * have the patties … I immediately informed Ricki that she had just eaten her lunch , and would not be receiving meatballs . Her reply to this was that she was STARVING . Well , I guess that I was a bit too exasperated , and I told her " Well , if you REALLY are hungry , you can go downstairs and get that soy … " So she did . I just hope that she at least brushed it off before consuming it … Color me chagrined … . By popular request , this week I am posting the pictures RICKI took ( see " Special Exposure Wednesday " of last week ) . [ Image : This is a view of the Mount of Olives . ] You 'll find more of " special exposure Wednesday " HERE . [ Image : The Cardo , Jerusalem ] [ Image : The Restored " Churvah " synagoue . ] ( The Churvah was destroyed by the Jordanians in 1948 . It was recently rebuilt . ) I had tried all week to watch what I ate , but was not 100 % . I wanted to walk extra to " make up " the extra calories , but I was VERY stern in calculating any slip - ups . The end result was that even extra walking on Wednesday and Thursday was not enough . So I hit the pavement early on Friday morning , and figured that I could get out again in the evening if needed . It WAS needed ( if I want to lose a full kilo this week ) , but felt unwilling to do so , not Friday night , and not Saturday . I didn 't even do my regular Sat . AM walk , but took a REAL vacation . I felt a bit fed up with walking , watching every bite , etc . Maybe I felt that I just wouldn 't walk enough to loose a full kilo this week , and felt bad enough about that to " give up " . This scares me a bit . Actually , it scares me a lot . If it continues , it is the way back to weighing a whopping 150 kilos . And that is something I DO NOT want . However , I was careful about not overeating , and I feel confident that tomorrow I will be out walking as regular , and yes , watching every bite . I think I just needed a ( slight ) break . But that " vacation " means that I may not loose this week . ( I am pretty confident that I will not gain . I WAS pretty good . ) However , the bigger damage is the weakening of the feeling that I will do what I need to lose , no matter if I am in the mood or not . I really need to keep that feeling that weight loss is one of my priorities . I need to remember WHY I am doing this , and the loss if I do not continue . But I WILL continue . I am NOT stopping now . OK , I had a weak two days , but I am not going to let that mild slip - up become an avalanche . NO WAY ! I have friends with teenagers with Down syndrome who need to be reminded constantly to let their children be more independent . I don 't need the reminding , Ricki does it for me . She simply chooses independence , and if I am stupid enough not to realize in advance what she is likely to attempt , and prepare her for it , then she is running a big risk . Whenever we go to her exercise class , she alights from the bus in a hurry , and walks ahead briskly , in order to walk on her own . And if I manage to keep apace with her , and arrive at the building 's elevator before she disappears within , she will give me dirty looks and scowls . Last week was a time that she definitely beat me , but something unusual occurred . When I arrived a few minutes after Ricki , she was NOT there . I called her name repeatedly , and received no reply . I quickly checked the floor above , and ran down the stairs , checking each floor with a glance , including the parking area beneath the building . Then I quickly glanced outside on the ground floor , but still no Ricki . By this time I was terrified that some pervert had dragged her to some corner and assaulted her . I then ran back up to the floor where the class is held , but Ricki was not there . A moment later , she emerged from the elevator . It seems that she had gone to the bathroom , and had either not heard me calling her name , or had chosen not to reply . I of course roundly berated her for the scare , trying to impress on her that near - empty buildings can be very dangerous places . Fast forward to today ( Sunday ) . Ricki and I went for a day of sightseeing in Jerusalem , followed by a visit to several of my grandchildren in the afternoon . The first thing I did with Ricki on arriving in the city was to treat her to a breakfast in a bagel restaurant … . . a real adult type of thing . While there , she indicated that she wanted to freshen up in the bathroom , so I instructed her how to ask the waiter where the restroom was . It was not on the premises , but down a hallway . I was then saying the grace after the meal , aPosted by On Friday morning , after writing my post , I went to town to run a few errands . As I was doing so , I happened to pass a store ( " Elegant Paris " in Bnai Brak ) where I had skeptically entered two months ago , to see if maybe they had anything in my size . Why skeptically ? Because it was a " regular " store , not a self proclaimed " big sizes " one , and I fully expected the saleslady to either hiss or mournfully inform me ( as I have experienced in the past ) that they had nothing in my size . But she didn 't ( making me feel rather " normal " ) , and on that occasion I had found a good under blouse just perfect to complement a - way - too - revealing - mesh top bought in the " big sizes " store . So yesterday , I wandered in , on whim , to see what they had . And they had plenty of things just ( barely ) my size . And in addition , they charge a price much cheaper than the " big sizes " store . * However , what impressed me most was when I was considering whether to purchase an item that I was unsure of , the saleslady said " If you 're not sure , don 't buy it . I don 't want you to walk out with something you won 't be happy with … " In the end I bought the same design in a different color , and walked out content indeed . I know where I will go FIRST next time I am aiming to purchase clothing … . * Last time I was in the big sizes store , I heard a lady asking the saleslady why they were SO expensive . She replied that all the extra material costs money … Um … . The extra ½ meter ( at most ) of cloth costs them 20 - 30 shekels , and the price gets marked up by at least 70 - 100 shekels … . . The obvious truth is that if their customers can not go elsewhere , it is easy to mark your prices up …… A lot of women ( 99 . 99 % ? ? ? ) enjoy shopping . I also do , as long as I am shopping for dishes , silver , jewelry , books , toys , etc . Clothing is another story . For years , shopping for clothing was a torture . Finding anything in my size was nigh - well impossible , and what there was available was invariably expensive . Often I had to purchase items I did not really care for , simply because I had no time to sew , and these items were the only available things I could find . Shopping for clothing was a big reminder of just how overweight I was , how I was way beyond the norm . And how society has no place for the overweight individual . Recently , as I have managed to lose weight ( 44 kilos so far ! ) , I have found that shopping for clothing can be fun . In certain stores , I can find things in my size , and in a few there is a real choice . My only problem with these outlets is that many of them design clothing that is not modest enough for the dictates of Jewish law , and I will need to supplement the items I purchase with under - blouses , alter too - open necklines , line see - though sleeves , etc . [ In one store , when I asked if they didn 't have a " basic blouse " available for me to wear when trying on their short - sleeved sweaters , it became apparent that ALL of their blouses ( in addition to their other things ) had a low , dipping neckline . I asked the saleslady , " I have a question for you . I know that as a non - religious lady , you are not concerned with the " modesty " of the low neckline . But in winter , aren 't you COLD with half of your upper chest exposed ? ? ? ! ? ? ? " ( Her answer was that they wear scarves with it . This , to me , sounds like a very difficult way to stay warm . It seems to me that a scarf would slip , fall , not cover well , etc . ) Why a winter sweater needs a dipping neckline is beyond me …… . ] Anyway , after buying early this week several items at two specialty " big size " stores , I set out to purchase some turtleneck under - blouses and a few simple winter blouses to supplement my purchases . And that is when my bubble bPosted by This is my standard 1 : 00 noon snack before my nap ( except in winter ) . I eat lunch later . You need a good strong blender stick for this . This has about 200 - 250 - 300 calories , depending on what fruits or additives you use . Made with low - fat yogurt , the calorie count is not bad , considering that you get lots of dairy and ( in the fruit version ) fruit . And drunk with a straw on a hot summer day , it is soothing and very satisfying . Fruit version : - 2 half - frozen 0 % fat diet yogurts ( or frozen completely then both defrosted together for 45 seconds in the mcro at high strength , then sliced ) - one or two fruits ( depending on type and amount of calories available for this snack - meal ) , such as peaches , pears , kiwi , strawberries , blueberries - optional : ( if you have the calories for it ) 10 almonds or wheat germ ( both are good at helping to prevent dementia ) - 3 packets of artificial sugar substituteBLEND in a big glass with a blender stick . Non - fruit version ) - 2 half - frozen 0 % yogurts - 1 half - frozen diet 0 % fat pudding - yogurt ( " maadan " in Hebrew ) - 2 packs sweetner - 1 teaspoon coffee ( optional ) - a FEW almonds or walnut ( optional , depending on calories wanted ) - a bit of water ( 3 Tablespoons ) , as the frozen pudding is thicker . . . . Blend with blender stick A fairly easy cake to make if you have a blender / food processor . NOT dietetic . Very freezable . Ingredients : 1 margarine ( 200 gram - about 7 ounces ) ( best to soften a bit first , and slice into thinish slices ) 1 jar applesauce ( 700 gram - about 25 ounces ) 6 eggs100 gram ( 3 . 5 ounces ) of peeled nuts ( walnuts , or almonds ) 30 dates ( about ) 2 grated carrots4 cups sifted flour1 teas . salt11 / 2 cups sugar ¼ teaspoon cloves1 / 8 teaspoon ginger2 teas . cinnamonpinch of nutmeg2 envelopes ( ie . , 20 grams ) baking powderPreparation : De - seed the dates , and check for infestation . In a food processor , put the checked dates , applesauce , eggs , nuts , and margarine . Process until the margarine , nuts , and dates are well blended into the liquids . Add the grated carrots and mix in ( not blend ) , and set aside . In a bowl , put the sifted flour , sugar , spices , salt , and baking powder . Stir to mix . Add into this the " wet " mixture , and stir . Pour into greased oven tray and bake about 45 minutes at 150 degrees centigrade ( medium heat ) , until done . Well , our trial with the buzzer alarm was short and sweet . Last night Ricki announced " I don 't want it . It wakes me up … . . " Although last night I let it go , this morning , on further reflection on the issue , I think that I am going to have to act a bit more firmly than I have until now . I think I will institute some type of prize as an incentive just for wearing the alarm . In addition , I think I need to sit down and explain the alarm 's importance , and if necessary , give a punishment if she will not agree to comply and wear it . * * * * * * Yesterday morning I decided to walk to a park that is about a forty minute walk from our house , and there walk on their " walking path " for an hour . I particularly like this walk , as the park is downhill from us , and the walking path is level . The total of about 100 minutes walking is just right , and from the edge of the park I can take a bus which takes me to a minute 's walk from the house . So yesterday I did the sweet hike , and even walked an extra little bit . But upon reaching the bus station , I was in for a surprise . My fare had somehow been lost , and I would have to return home ( tired , and going uphill ) on foot . So I saved $ 2 . 5 , and gained nearly 4000 extra steps . I followed this up with a shopping trip , and lots of housework … . eventually totaling an exhausting 22 , 000 steps ! Last night Ricki dawdled no end , so by the time that she crawled into bed , she was TIRED . So it came as no surprise that she refused to go to the toilet ( before going to sleep ) . " No toilet , no buzzer alarm " was my reply . Pause … . Pause … . . ( Groan ) … a few choice words about how she feels about Mommy ( hereby censored . . . . ) … and she trudged to the bathroom . EUREKA ! One battle in this war won …… Ricki is a bed wetter . As I have mentioned before , this has little to do with her Down syndrome , and much more to do with the tendency of everyone in the family ( besides me ) to sleep VERY DEEPLY . However , the other kids ( those who did bed wet ) stopped fairly early ( on the whole ) , as they had a burning desire to get beyond this . That desire seems to have been lacking in Ricki . She simply apparently had little reason to make the extra effort . ( Yea , I know , I tried prizes , I make her do all the work of taking off wet sheets , etc . ) I once tried an alarm system ( which worked exceptionally well with my other bed wetters ) , but Ricki was scared to death of the noise , and point blank refused to wear it . Once she had a problem of wetting in the daytime as well ( only when at home , out of the house she felt the need to be OK . ) . That has decreased to a much lower level due to a consistent withdrawal of privileges whenever she wets at home , the withdrawal giving her enough reason to " get her act together " . It has actually always amazed me that it seems so hard for her to internalize the idea that life would be a lot easier if she would make the effort needed not to wet , not to throw papers on the floor , and not to throw stuff behind her bed . ( Because in all of these cases , she is the one who has to do the cleanup eventually … . ) For several years I have been taking Ricki to a doctor , who hearing from me that alarms don 't work with her , tried various medications ( often prescribed for bed wetting ) , usually to no avail . Finally , at our last visit to the doctor , I suggested that HE tell Ricki to use an alarm . It worked . She not only has agreed to use the alarm , but she requests it if I forget . Maybe she finally got tired of waking up wet . This blog is basically a diary , journal , and notes of observations . In the past it dealt mostly with the topics of special needs , especially a real view of what life is like with ( and for ) a teen with Down syndrome . However , since Ricki 's death in August 2012 , at age 17 , the amount of blogging on the subject of " special needs " has decreased . Additional topics are interpersonal relationships , life in Israel , and dieting . ( I have lost 75 kilos . . . ) ( And no , I did NOT have weight - loss surgery . . . . ) Also an occasional get - on - a - soapbox - and - tell - it - like - it - is personal opinion . Alpine flowers survive in the cold tundra climate . " Courage does not always roar . Sometimes it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying " Tomorrow I will try again " . Join me on Walker Tracker ! Walker Tracker is a ( FREE ) site where you can record steps walked ( as well as weight , aerobic steps , and more . . . ) , and even more than that , you can join " competitions ( against others or to reach a goal ) . It is a great motivator to get out stepping ! To Join , go HERE .
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Lest you all think that I am always serious or never have any fun , allow me to introduce a new blog series : Five Fun Fridays . It will begin one week from today , on Friday , June 30 , and it will end on Friday , July 28 . On each of those Fridays , I will blog about something fun in my life . The categories are as follows : Week Five - Little known secret facts about me : This is where I 'll dish all ( well , maybe NOT all ) of the dirt on myself . Now , that 's not all that 's in store . There 's something fun for all of you , too ! At the end of the series , I 'll be giving away some of my favorite things that you 'll be reading about each week . Look for details each Friday to see how you can increase your chances of winning . I look forward to the fun ! at A snapshot . A brief moment . Captured and held forever in print or in digital form . Etched into our memories , where we can remain young , happy , innocent , naive - the way we were before . . . We are told that youth is fleeting , and while that is certainly true , innocence is even more so . I look back at my life and my heart breaks for the innocence that was taken from me , piece by piece , time and time again . As I watch people I love face tragedies , as well as strangers I see on the news , I am overwhelmed by their stories and grieve for the innocence that is lost every day . When I see pictures of them prior to the horrific events , their unknowing , smiling faces , oblivious to what 's coming , I feel contrasting emotions . I feel even more saddened in some ways because they have no idea what is ahead , but on the other hand , I am glad that they are , at least for that moment , holding on to that one last piece of innocence . I look at this picture of me and my youngest child . It was taken in December 2011 . Yes , we 're both smiling , but this picture makes me sad . It reminds me of what I 've lost . This is my tangible , slap - in - the - face from reality ; it 's a reminder that I can never go back to the way it was . This picture was taken during my " ignorance is bliss " season . My daughter was happy . She was making progress and meeting milestones , a bit slower than normal , but she was meeting them . Two months later , things would change drastically . She would begin self - harming , regressing , and crying almost non - stop . We , of course , took her to several doctors ; we finally ended up at the neurologist 's office , where we received the diagnosis . And , just like that , our world changed . Looking back , a part of me is glad that I didn 't know what was to come ; yet , there is another part that wishes that I could have known . Maybe I would have been able to appreciate those " snapshot " moments more . Or maybe I would never have been able to enjoy the happy times because I would have dreaded what was to come . That I will never know , of course , because we can never know what lies ahead ; we can only learn from yesterday and live in today . While life is certainly more difficult now , and I struggle each day , I know that our daughter was placed on this earth and in our home for a reason . I still don 't know what purposes may come to be for her eventually , as she is only nine years old and still has so much potential , but as for now , she is already teaching me about compassion , unconditional love , and . . . innocence . Yes , this precious little one will live in a state of perpetual innocence . Her significant mental insufficiency makes that so . She will never understand that she is different from her siblings , or that her mom has depression , or that another act of terrorism has been committed . She will never have to worry about paying bills , or meeting deadlines at work , or even driving a car . She is a living " snapshot " of innocence , and I am learning to see each moment through her eyes . So , slow down . Stop for a minute . Take that moment you 're given and allow it to speak to you . Learn something from everything that happens to you . Be grateful for what you have today ; you don 't know what tomorrow may hold . But , no matter what happens , you must be strong enough to allow the events of your life to shape you into who you were created to be . Hold on to God ; don 't allow bitterness to take root . Remember , even though we see only the snapshots , God sees the entire album , and He always did . So , I don 't know if you 've heard of this new trend or not , but it 's called the " dad bod . " Don 't know what it is ? Allow me to enlighten you , with a little help from Google : A dad bod is the physique of a male that is relatively slim but not lean or toned . Need more help in order to understand ? Urban Dictionary explains it as this : A male body type that is " softly round . " It 's based on the idea that once a man has gotten married and had a child , then he really should no longer concern himself with keeping a nice physique . And get this . Women actually find these dad bods attractive - as in , some women would rather date a guy with a dad bod than a guy with a nicely chiseled physique . And don 't start typing ALL CAPS to me about how you have to go beneath the surface and look at what 's on the inside ; I know that , and that 's not what this post is about . I 'm talking women choosing dad bods for no other reason than the simple fact that they 're dad bods . Personalities are not a factor . I just don 't get it . So , a dad no longer has to concern himself with his weight or his physique after his children are born ? Am I understanding this correctly ? Let 's see now , hmmm , exactly HOW many months did HE carry that baby inside his womb ? So he has exactly how many reasons to put on baby weight ? According to my calculations , it is exactly zero . Yes , that 's right . Zero months and zero reasons . And a womb ? He doesn 't even have one . I don 't think dads should have any excuses to just let themselves go once the baby is born . They should still be able to make healthy food choices and find time to exercise . I mean , it 's not like they 're nursing the baby or anything . Also , why isn 't the " mom bod " trending ? Why aren 't men claiming to prefer a rounder version of females ? For goodness ' sakes , women are the ones actually giving birth to the babies ! Women are the ones housing an entire other being within their bodies for nine months , so one might expect these women to carry around some extra weight not only during but after pregnancy as well . Why aren 't women allowed to be a little - or even more than a little - overweight without someone being critical or even downright hateful ? And this goes for all women , those who are currently or have recently been or have NEVER been pregnant . Why , how many times have we heard things like , " She 's had over a year to lose that baby weight , " or , " Are you sure you 're not carrying twins ? " Then , of course , there 's the classic , " She 'd be so pretty if she would just lose some of that weight . " If you think I was harsh on men in the second paragraph , some of it was tongue - in - cheek . Most of it , however , was based on expectations that society places on women . The pressure that we feel to be thinner or more beautiful is crushing to our self - esteem at times . It 's enough to bring on eating disorders , depression , and self - harm issues in many females . Even young girls feel that they are worthless if they don 't see themselves as beautiful . I know that obesity is unhealthy . I eat right and exercise , and I encourage others to do the same . So I also don 't need any irate people writing to tell me about that , either . But eating right and exercising should be about HEALTH , and it should be for BOTH men and women . It shouldn 't be something that 's forced down women 's throats so that we feel we have to meet some unattainable standard of beauty , while at the same time men get a pass to eat however they choose and do very little exercise because it 's a trend and because no one really puts pressure on men to look a certain way . There 's a double standard in our society , and I am sick of it . Men are allowed to age gracefully . When a man begins to get a little gray hair around his temples or in his beard , people call it sexy or distinguished . A woman 's grey hair will get her called old . Confession : I get a few white hairs from time to time , and I immediately rush right in and color over them . I 'm not ready to let them show . I don 't really mind getting older , but I do mind people thinking that I 'm " old . " It 's just not that cool to be an old woman . I don 't care what that song says about older women being beautiful lovers ; one look at Ulta or Sephora and you know that women are paying big bucks to look young . Yes , I know that dying your hair grey is a trend . But that 's for young people . It 's not the same as actually going gray , and everybody knows it . So , yeah , this whole dad bod trend has ticked me off . At first , I thought it was funny , but then I contemplated it a little longer . That 's when I realized how it truly brings to light how unfairly women are treated in regards to beauty standards . Why is it trendy for men to be out of shape ? As I thought about it more and more , I got angry . Not taking care of your body should never be a trend , but if it is , then why isn 't a trend for both sexes ? Finally , I do not expect my spouse to have washboard abs , nor does he expect me to look like a supermodel . I 'm not saying that in this post . I 'm also not saying that we should spend excessive amounts of time in the gym , away from our families , in order to attain the perfect body . I 'm saying that both dads and moms should take care of their bodies . I 'm saying that women should be treated with respect and admired for their beauty regardless of their weight or body type . I 'm saying that I want my daughters to grow up in a world where it 's okay not to look like Scarlett Johansson , and , also , sweetheart , your husband probably won 't look like Jason Momoa , either . And that 's okay . There 's a unique grief that belongs only to those of us who are parents of children with special needs . It 's a grief that can lie dormant and unnoticed for seasons , and then it can come flooding back all at once in fresh rivers of pain and sorrow . Maybe it 's a Facebook post with a photograph of happy children around your child 's age , celebrating a birthday at a party to which you and your family weren 't invited . Perhaps it 's a post about how someone 's child has reached a milestone or won another trophy in a sport or been elected class president , or maybe someone tells you about how their children are reading or asking for books to be read to them or , hey , even talking at all . I don 't know what it may be , but something triggers that overwhelming sense of loss deep within you . And you know people don 't mean to hurt you . And you also know that they have every right to share their joy about their children 's successes . Then you feel guilty because you think that you must not love your child enough because some part of you longs for them to be like other children . Plus , you also feel guilty because you resent other parents for no reason other than the fact that they simply have neurotypical children . I don 't know about other special needs parents , but I can get stuck here for days or perhaps weeks . Honestly , I 've been stuck there sometimes for months and even years . I still have to fight to keep a root of bitterness from growing in my heart . I get so angry sometimes . I look at people who can take family vacations , and I can 't even take my daughter to the grocery store without my husband 's help . She is in a phase of going into a total meltdown almost every time I speak to her . She spends most of her days in her room ; she doesn 't come out until my husband gets home from work in the evening . I try to interact with her and get her to come out and spend time with me , but when I do , she will just self - harm . She is non - verbal , so there 's not really much chance that I can figure out exactly what it is that I 've done wrong and exactly why it is that she suddenly comes running out of her room smiling when she hears my husband 's voice in the evening . No , this is not what I envisioned when I thought about parenting my daughter . She is nine years old now , and I had plans of talking about clothes and hair and staying up late at night , just the two of us laughing and talking . I imagined baking and making messes together in the kitchen . I never got the years of tea parties and dress - up or baby dolls and Little House on the Prairie and Anne of Green Gables . I will never get the prom or the wedding planning or the excitement of her first baby . So many missed milestones ; so many fresh waves of grief . I have no words of wisdom here . I cannot say that I have found some perfect way of dealing with this . I refuse to throw Scripture around and act like that fixes everything . It doesn 't . This hurts , and it will always hurt . The grief over my daughter is what sometimes acts as a catalyst in my worst seasons of depression . What I will say , though , is that I do know that God loves me and my daughter . I do not understand what He is doing in this situation , but I will continue to keep my eyes on Him , even through the tears . Every new day is a gift . Each morning that I 'm allowed to wake is a blessing from God . I thought about this yesterday while driving , which is often the time during which I can do my deepest thinking . I began to think about how this concept plays out in my life . I thought about the fact that there are two opposing ideas that mingle together in my mind ; they fight against one another for victory over my thoughts and actions . And the winner of the battle can change on any given day . What I know and what I feel become tangled up in a mass of emotions and pain that can be almost impossible to unravel . Even though I know that each day is a gift , that concept is still a paradox to someone like me who struggles with suicidal ideations . There are days in which I feel that my life is a curse . There are times in which I want to end my life . At these points , I cannot see how my life is a gift at all . My emotions and my logic are fighting a duel to the death . One is the voice of Truth and Life , while the other is the voice of depression and lies ; however , even armed with this knowledge , I am not always able to silence the voice of despair and death . Sometimes it wins , and I just want to give in and give it what it wants . I know there will be times when I am unable to think logically , so in order to equip myself for the battle , I 've applied some practical strategies that I 've learned over the years . I have notecards with Scripture placed in various places around my home . When the negative thoughts are overriding the positive ones , I can read these Scripture cards aloud and speak truth into my situation . I have a three - ring binder with verses I 've copied that specifically pertain to peace . In that binder I also have Bible verses written that encourage those of us who battle depression . That 's how I fight . That 's how Paul taught us to fight , with the " Sword of the Spirit . " ( Ephesians 6 : 17 ) As a matter of fact , I need a daily reminder to put on the entire armor of God . ( Ephesians 6 : 10 - 20 ) Without it , I am left completely open to attacks . I also play praise music and sing along . That is a powerful spirit lifter . I have to be proactive , and I have to be prepared . I also have to be practical . I take my anti - depressant medications , and I see my psychiatrist once every two months . I see my therapist once a month , but just going to appointments is not enough . I have to be honest with my medical professionals about my struggles and feelings , and I have to apply the techniques that I 'm learning in therapy if I want to see positive changes . In addition to all of this , I must take care of my body . Physical health and mental health are closely related . I eat a healthy diet , and I exercise regularly . I get as much sleep as is possible for any parent of a young child with severe special needs . I take time to do things that I enjoy . I try to appreciate each day that the Lord gives me . So , yes , each day is truly a gift , even to someone who struggles with thoughts of suicide . I am thankful for my life , even though there are times in which I want to end it . I truly hope to live my life in such a way that it becomes a gift back to God , as well as a gift to others . And I am determined to stop depression from stealing that from me . What does this look like ? How does it translate into every day life ? And how many wives are blessed enough to actually have a husband who loves in this manner ? I didn 't know that I had that kind of husband until my long battle with depression culminated in a near suicide attempt this past January . That 's when I found out exactly what sacrificial love looks like . That 's when my eyes were opened to the depth and strength of not only my husband 's love for me , but Christ 's love for me as well . When my husband arrived home from work early to find me preparing to swallow a lethal dose of pills , he had to make a hard decision . He had to choose to love me enough to take me to the emergency room and have me committed to the psychiatric section of a local hospital . And that 's exactly what he did . He knew that I needed help , and he made sure that I went to a place where I could receive that help . I was there for a week , and each day he came to see me during the one hour in which we were allowed to have visitors . While I was hospitalized , he took care of everything at home . This meant homeschooling duties , cooking , cleaning , laundry , and caring for our children - one of which has special needs . Thankfully , there were friends and family to help him , but the bulk of the responsibility still fell on my husband . This also meant that he had to take time off work , which is quite a sacrifice for him due to his position and vast amount of required work - related duties . Yet , in spite of all this , he loved me enough to put my needs ahead of his own and make the adjustments to his schedule that were necessary to accommodate my hospital stay . This sacrificial love that he shows me is not just a one - time event , either . Each day I continue to see that love as my depression is an ongoing battle that my mind wages against me ; I 'm not the only victim , though , because my husband is pulled into this fight , too . As the " two become one flesh , " a fiery dart thrown at me is also thrown at him . He knows this , and yet he chooses to stay in the war with me . Often I 'm left feeling guilty because my husband has this " broken " wife , but he never says anything like that to me . I thank God that , because of Him , my husband and I are stronger together ; I know that we meant what we said when we made the vows " for better or worse . . . in sickness and in health . . . " My husband patiently listens as I try to explain what I 'm feeling on particularly hard days . I tell him that I didn 't want to get out of bed that day . I tell him that I feel numb or sad or tired for no apparent reason . I describe how difficult it was for me to just make a phone call or go to the grocery store that day . He is understanding when I call him to say that we are just going to have a really simple dinner as opposed to what 's posted on our weekly menu because I just can 't muster up the energy to cook . Depression has also affected my appearance . I 've gained some weight due to the antidepressants I currently take . My husband doesn 't even say anything about this , except to reassure me when I mention it that he would rather have me a little heavier and still alive than to be without me . On my worst days , when thoughts of suicide rage within me , of course my husband gets upset . Sometimes we yell at one another . He wants me to call my psychiatrist or my therapist , or he wants me to call my friends . Of course I don 't want to do anything when I get like that . I say horrible things . I know what I say hurts my husband deeply . Sometimes I feel like he should just find a " nice , normal " wife . But he loves me and stays with me . He is faithful . Through my husband 's love , I am beginning to understand Christ 's unfailing love for me . My husband loves me unconditionally and sacrificially , and I see it in his actions . I no longer question my husband 's love , and I no longer question Jesus 's love for me , either . In the midst of the darkness that is depression , I am grateful for this shining example of the light of true love . I 'm thankful that God opened my eyes so that I could see it , and I am thankful that my husband is willing to be the vessel through which it flows . Well , this is finally a happy poem ! I 've been feeling a bit more on the cheerful side today . As is the case with depression , this is subject to change , but I 'm enjoying this while it lasts . Here is a poem that captures my thoughts on these feelings I 'm experiencing on this dreary Friday . The winner of the self - care giveaway is Kelli Bryson . Her Twitter entry was randomly selected by Rafflecopter as the winning entry . Thank you to all who participated . Kelli has been notified by e - mail . Watch for other giveaways coming soon . And , remember , keep taking care of yourselves ! I 've discussed the importance of self - care in previous posts , and for those of us with depression , it can be difficult to find the energy to practice it . Well . . . I 'm here to help you out ! ! ! I 've got some fabulous hair and skin care items that I 'd like to give you so that you can pamper yourself a little . Featured in this giveaway are : First , you can leave a comment here telling me how you practice self - care . For other entry options , follow the Rafflecopter instructions . The winner will be notified in seven days . Good luck ! Sometimes it can be difficult to explain depression to others . At times , I find it easier to write about it . My thoughts are expressed best as poetry on some occasions . Here is one such occasion . Last month , I went to the theater to watch the new live - action Beauty and the Beast . ( Which , by the way , is an excellent movie . ) I expected to be entertained ; however , what I did not expect was that the Holy Spirit would use it to communicate an important truth to me . While listening and singing along ( yes , I did attend the sing - along version of the film ) to one of my favorite songs , " Be Our Guest , " I was struck by the lines I quoted above and how they translate to our spiritual life . Remember Jesus 's response when he was approached by the mother of two disciples requesting that they be seated on either side of him in his Kingdom ? He answered by saying , Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant , and whoever wants to be first among you must become your slave . For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many . " Hmmm . . . spoken first by Jesus , and then by Lumiere . . . you 've gotta serve ! It 's funny how just a simple line in a movie made me ponder so many things . Am I serving my husband as I should ? And , ladies , don 't get all bent out of shape about that ! What I mean by serving is loving , being attentive to him , joyfully cooking and cleaning as I am at home while he works at three - - sometimes four - - jobs , and am I giving him grace when he fails or makes mistakes ? Am I serving my children ? Am I being patient with them when they struggle with a concept in homeschooling ? Am I cheerfully reminding them to pick up their clothes , shoes , etc . when they 've left them in the living room for probably the 1000th time ? How am I doing in service to my special needs daughter ? Am I being gracious to her when she 's wet out of her diaper and all over the couch yet again ? Am I choosing to see her as a blessing even when she 's self - harming over and over again , and I 'm super - stressed to the max ? Am I serving my friends ? Do I check in on them ? Do I ask them how they 're doing ? And then am I prepared to hear and really listen to the truth ? Do I help them when I know they 're struggling ? How am I loving and serving the people closest to me ? My prayer is that I 'm serving well in these areas . I do know that loving service brings true joy , and one way I serve is by leading a special needs group . It 's helped to heal me in so many ways . Prior to starting it , I felt alone , angry , and bitter . I kept my focus on myself . As Lumiere said , quite " unnerving " and most definitely not " whole . " It wasn 't until I allowed God to get into my pain with me and show me how to serve others in my situation that I could see a purpose and a plan for my daughter 's struggles and my own . Sharing our hardships and celebrating our triumphs together is a beautiful thing . And , just as the castle is brought back to life so beautifully in the movie , the Lord will richly bestow blessings upon you when you love others as he commands . So let me encourage you with this : Serve . You 'll be miserable if you don 't and joyful when you do ! I got so frustrated with Baby Girl the other day . Why ? She was going into meltdown mode because she wanted food . Here 's the kicker : the food was right in front of her . She couldn 't see it , though , because she refused to get out from under her blanket . This happens often . She 'll get upset because she wants a toy . I 'll put it right there beside her . I 'll tell her it 's there . I 'll even place it in her hands . She 'll just throw it down in frustration because she still cannot SEE that what she really needs is right there . She only has to LET GO of that blanket ! I began to realize something in all of this . How many times am I holding onto things that I need to put down in order to pick up what God wants to give me ? And I 'm not even talking about sin . I 'm talking about things I hold on to for my security : perfectionism , my comfort zone , and even my depression . Let me explain , especially what I mean about my depression being something I hold on to for security . But I 'll start with perfectionism ; I struggled with it up until a couple of months ago . I thought I had to be good enough to be accepted and loved by God and people . I worked so hard at it . I placed my security in making myself , my family , and my house perfect . Then it all fell apart this past January . I wouldn 't remove that blanket myself , so life came in and snatched it right out of my hands . This forced me out of my comfort zone . I had to confront my perfectionism head on . That 's when I realized that only one perfect person ever walked the face of this earth : Jesus Christ . That 's when I truly accepted Him and allowed Him to fully have every part of me . I finally felt free . Now I finally have true peace . I finally have a real relationship with Jesus . If I hadn 't gotten rid of that comfortable blanket of perfectionism , I would have missed all of this . I would still be stuck under that weight and suffering under the delusion that what I had was better than what God offered . Being forced out of my comfort zone was the best thing that could have happened to me . This " Therefore , since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses , let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles . And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us . " Hebrews 12 : 1 I am a Christian homeschooling mom . I am a writer and am currently available for freelance writing positions . Please contact me through the e - mail option on this blog . I battle depression and anxiety and am passionate about opening up discussions and removing the stigma surrounding mental health issues . I am currently a contributor to both The Mighty and How to be a Redhead . I 'm a wife to an amazing husband and a mom to 4 wonderful children . My youngest child is adopted from China & is visually impaired and has developmental delays . I am also passionate about reaching out to other special needs families . We are daily learning to walk by faith as we trust God through each season of life .
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On a lovely afternoon this past weekend we were enjoying a relaxing day at home . Adam is telling me he needs a diaper change . I tell him just one second so I can finish one small task . It wouldn 't take two seconds . That was not soon enough Adam thought , so he decided to show me just how urgent it was ! Yep , for the first time ever , Adam slid his hand in the back of his diaper and to his shock it came out with poop ! He was upset about this too . It freaked him out . He starts this little whine when things scare him . I looked over , saw what he did , dropped what I had , grabbed his hand before he could move it another inch , scooped him up and ran to the bathroom . Daniel froze . It was quite funny actually . I 'm just glad this happened while I was right there and not when he was alone . Now , I just hope he doesn 't do this when he is alone ! I really don 't want to walk in to his room and have a new paint color on the walls . We are the proud owners of a minivan . It 's used , but was kept in great condition . It 's got a few minor things that we 've got to fix , but the most major one is a new battery . He told us it may need one soon upfront . When we went to the auto parts store they tested it and we will get one this weekend . The other things are a new headlight and glueing the rear view mirror back on . No biggie . It 's a 2002 Kia Sedona , leather interior , sunroof , woodgrain , and we 're happy just to have more seats ! So , now we are trying to sell the Acura . It 's all detailed and pretty now . We 've got people talking about it and we 'll post it on Craigslist too probably . We are hopeful that this van is going to last a good while . The guy that sold it was very likeable , non - pushy , upfront , soccer dad , golf playing , blue collar kind of guy . Seemed very nice with a nice family . 4 kids , plus two parents and they had just outgrown the van . They have two Suburbans . He actually was sad to see the van go since he sometimes used it when his work Suburban would break down . But , he was happy to see it go to a family that needed it for their little Christina 's Chronicles Today was my first day back to work . I 'm glad Isabelle had already been at the sitter 's since Monday . There were no tears this morning so it made the day a little easier to handle . I got to my desk and saw they had decorated it with balloons and confetti . They had also planned a luncheon in my honor . It made the transition much easier . It was a day of cleaning up my emails . I had been logging in to keep up with the emails , but hadn 't in the last two weeks or so . I had over 700 emails to go through this morning . I got through them , but honestly didn 't look at EVERY one of them . That would have taken me a week . That took me til lunch . Wednesday is also our weekly meeting so I had to prepare for that . I jumped right back in to the grind and kept up a good pace . There are a few changes that I had to be updated on , a few new processes , and alot more information to remember . It was good to be back though and I appreciated all the thoughtfulness of everyone . I had tons of visitors coming by to wish me a good day . Everyone said they missed me and there was even a round of applause at a meeting . WOW ! Of course I got caught up on all the gossip and happenings too , but really I just concentrated on getting back into the swing of things . Tuesday was spent with my hubby ! He actually took a whole day off work to spent it with me . It didn 't start off too good though . He got two phone calls before 8am ! UGH ! ! ! ! But , after that we got the kids ready and off to the sitter . Then we headed out to the mall . We went to Grapevine Mills . It seems that during the morning hours they don 't really care about customers . I needed a custom t - shirt made and we stood at the kiosk for about 15 minutes until the man came to help . He smelled of cigarette smoke . Anyway , he was not the sharpest tack of the bunch and it took forever to get this figured out . I wanted a design on the shirt in addition to wording , but he couldn 't find the file . He wanted to do a different font and told me the one I wanted wouldn 't look good . Blah , blah , blah . Since I needePosted by This weekend we went on a mini hunt for a used van . We got our income tax and were eager to invest in a dependable used van . The Acura is running and it 's ok , but we just want another family vehicle . The Acura has been fine for awhile after we had to spend a few bucks on it , but it 's something we still have to check and make sure Daniel doesn 't overheat . For some reason the thermostat will rise , Daniel revs the engine , and it 'll go back down . Sometimes it needs a little water too . So , we took a look online and even went to Traders Village . We saw a couple , but we just couldn 't take the leap . We 're going to keep looking and save more money so that we can purchase something better . Another $ 1000 - $ 1500 would go a long way . Valentine 's Day was peaceful . We hung out at the house and exchanged cards . We took Isabelle out in her cute outfit and bib . Everyone oohed and aahed over her . She 's really beginning to become more active . She 'll wave her arms and kick her legs . She 's discovered that the ceiling fan really is awesome to look at . Her coos are becoming more regular as she gazes at me . Her right eye is beginning to focus more . I hope the doctor is right in that it will straighten itself out . It 's not nearly as bad as it was a couple of weeks ago though . Adam is such a proud protective big brother and son . Sure , he 's a rough and tumble , loud , strongwilled little boy , but when it comes to her he 's so protective . This weekend I had a mommy moment . Our computer desk came crashing off the wall , laptop and all . Scared the heck out of all of us ! It literally came apart and wouldn 't stay propped up . Adam was so eager to help us fix it and pick stuff up . Well , one piece that we were trying to get to stay up so I could get to stuff fell and landed right on my arm . Now , this desk was actually more like a locker ( from IKEA ) and completely metal . So , it hurt . Adam rushed to me , said " Sorry " and gave me the biggest hug . Ahhhh , it just melted the pain away . My sweet baby . I shall try to remember that moment when he 's a teenager aPosted by I haven 't posted in a few days and now I have to try to remember what 's all happened . On Monday Adam hated potty training . Hated it ! ! ! Ms . Jean tried and tried and he threw a fit every time she took him to the potty . He 's been giving us signs and tells us when he 's in need of a new diaper . He even observes what one does in regards to the potty . He LOVES to flush and wave bye bye . He one thing he does not like to do evidently is sit on the potty . Hmmmmm . . We were all prepared . Treats for going potty . Cool new undies . Then , Ms . Jean realized that he 's not even two years old yet . She thinks that we 're jumping ahead of ourselves . While it 's great that he knows what goes on , he needs time to get there . For some reason she thought he was two and that 's why we were proceeding , but we 've got til May . So , we are going to work on getting him acquainted with the potty more , but no pressure on him to actually use it just yet . We don 't want to traumatize him . Bummer . . . . oh well , he 'll get there soon enough . Isabelle , or Isabrat as I 've been calling her , had her 1 month checkup . It was a week late due to the doctor 's office getting sick last week . She now weighs in at a whopping 10lbs 8oz . Her heart is strong . She got a shot in her thigh and she screamed for a second and then was all calm . She 's a bleeder like her Mommy though . She bled right through that bandage , then it clotted right up . The reason she now has the nickname ( probably not the most flattering one ) is because she is totally different than Adam . Adam was so content to sit in his chair or boppy and take a look around . He loved to watch the ceiling fan and was just happy as a clam . Isabelle is the opposite . She 's still a good baby , but she doesn 't like to be set down in any one place for a length of time . She loves to be held all day long ! Which is ok , but after while I need both hands ! Hard to do dishes holding her . Sometimes I just let her cry for awhile which is bad because I think she 's so cute when she cries . . . . . so it really doesn 't bother me at all . She 's a prePosted by Today was our first family portrait with Isabelle . Adam did good for the first few shots , but he was so done after that . He cried , he whined , he walked away . . . . but we finally managed to get a few great shots . We got our family portrait done and we got some good ones of them two . I can 't wait to see the final result . On Friday I got my haircut and highlighted . It 's been a long time ( I think since I was pregnant with Adam ) that I 've had anything done to it besides a cut . My hair was born again virgin hair and was back to its natural color . It 's a few inches shorter and now has reddish / brown highlights . I like it ! While I was there I was able to visit with two good friends . They came to the hospital to visit , but were unable to even see the little diva since she was in the NICU . Angela finally got to hold her and Belle just cuddled right to next to her . Niki has done my hair since I was like 14 or 15 and these two ladies have been a part of my life for so long . I didn 't realize it until I read Angela 's blog , but we 've known each other since 6th grade ! ! ! 20 years or so ! Oh goodness , I 'd hate to even know what she could blackmail me with . I was so foolish and immature . These two have seen me at my best and worst and yet they still call me their friend ! They even hung around at the hospital and helped while I was so sick to my stomach . True friends will hold your hair back and get you wet towels ! Thanks ! My sister had a really bad car wreck on Friday morning . A man in a Jaguar ran a light and they collided going 40 mph ! She 's alright - Thank you God ! The paramedics told her she was very fortunate to come out of the wreck with only bumps and bruises . When he hit her it pushed her into a pole , which then fell . She 's pretty sore of course , but if she 's feeling pain then she 's alive right ! ! ! Hopefully she 'll be able to get into a new vehicle and cautiously make her way back on the road . I know she 'll be scared , but she 's a strong woman . She 'll be fine ! After our portrait session today we did some shopping . I finally bought myPosted by Daniel has been working later lately . After all the issues that arose last week with his work he 's had to just suck it up and do it . That 's fine , but that leaves me to doing lots of stuff that leaves me exhausted . You don 't realize how much you can 't do after a c - section ! I used an apple corer and it hurt ! ! ! I 've also had to break the doctor 's restrictions and pick up Adam few times . He can 't climb into the Saturn easily and then into his seat because it sits so high . So , that 's left me lifting him up . That can 't be good either . Add in the laundry too and my doctor is so going to get after me . When I had Adam I reopened my incision and it got infected because I was doing too much . I swore to take it easier this time , but how can you when you see the laundry piling up , kitchen to be cleaned , trash taken out , dinner to be made , child to pick up , and on and on ? Last night I got everything done while he tried to keep Isabelle awake , I went to bed feeling exhausted and unappreciated . I know all this is typical " housewife " stuff and should be done by me , but would a thank you be too much to ask for ? I cried last night out of frustration and I must admit , a touch of those darn baby blues . They 've snuck up on me when I thought I 'd managed to avoid it . Isabelle had her cardiology appointment on Tuesday . They hooked her up to all these leads for her EKG and she was not happy ! ! ! I was glad none of these had to go on her back ! She 's still pretty hairy , like most Hispanic babies , and that would have been like a waxing ! She also had an echocardiogram and she behaved very well during this . She still has the tiny hole in the muscle of her heart , but all indications are that it will begin closing as she gets bigger and her heart begins to grow too . It should just start to fill in . She goes back in 6 months , but other than that she is growing perfectly . She now weighs 9lbs 12 oz . However , none of this has gone to her tiny feet . She was supposed to have her 1 month checkup this morning . We had all gotten up , I was ready , I was gettiPosted by This has been a pretty busy few days . There have been issues with Daniel 's work , but they seem to be better . I am officially on disability while I 've been on maternity leave . I am not released to lift anything heavier than the baby , I had major surgery , and am having problems with my right hip ( more on this later ) . Anyway , for the last few weeks of my pregnancy , Daniel had been leaving early enough to pick up Adam and this continued through these last few weeks too . Some nights he couldn 't and our sitter graciously kept Adam til sometimes 7pm ! ! ! ! ! Well , Daniel 's boss talked to him about this schedule and told him that he is needed at work . We all agree on that , however , there is no one else available to pick up Adam , unless I do it at the risk of hurting myself . Daniel felt like he was being forced to choose , poor guy . He 's got this wife who 's always on his case about how much he works and misses out on at home . Then , he 's got work that always demands overtime . He 's the only " family man " there . All the others are single , live with their parents , no kids , and no reason not to be able to work 24 hours a day . But , I also told him that his work is walking a fine line when it comes to this . He 's the caretaker for a person on disability and it was the birth of a child . He could have easily taken FMLA and where would that have left them ? He was so over work last week and we were thisclose to him just being a stay at home dad . Instead , he 'll stick it out , we 'll do what we have to do , and if they decide they don 't need him then we 'll cross the bridge . On Friday I picked up Adam since Daniel had to work late ( no surprise there ) . It was rough . Adam isn 't quite big enough to climb into the car and then into his seat . So , I had to help him . Ummmm , it didn 't feel to good . But we made it . On Saturday we went to a party and Adam got to run off energy in two bounce houses . He climbed up the inflatable slide all by himself . My big boy . He 's so fun right now at this age . He 's spouting off new words nearly every hour when he repeats Posted by Mommy is my favorite name ! I 'm a busy mommy to a 3 year old son who keeps me laughing and a 1 year old princess who keeps me on my toes . My sweetheart and I have been together for nearly 14 years . I work in the world of aviation and I love it ! Life is such a blessing when you live in a chaotic house with two kids little ones .
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Happy Mother 's Day to all you kind mamas ! In honor of the upcoming day , Fair Trade USA is giving away some amazing Fair & Organic items to 2 lucky ladies ! I 'm excited to support Fair Trade items because when you buy an item marked with it 's label , you know that the farmers or workers who produced it are paid fair wages , earn healthcare benefits , receive education , earn development funds to improve their communities , and practice sustainably . The Fair Trade Certification covers a wide range of items - from coffee to wine and flowers to moisturizer . By purchasing items with this label , you are truly making a difference with your dollar ! Well in addition to all of that goodness , Fair Trade also does a lot to empower and support women . Under Fair Trade standards , women are given equal representation on worker 's committees , maternity leave , childcare assistance and even microloans to start their own businesses . So when you give Fair Trade gifts for Mother 's Day , you 're doing more than making your own mom smile . Visit BeFair . org to learn how it all works and sign a virtual card for Fair Trade moms . One Dozen Whole Trade Roses : Did you know that just about all of the roses sold in the United States are imported from South America ? Well these gorgeous Whole Trade roses ensure that the women who work on flower farms in Ecuador are paid fairly , work in safe conditions , and are given a voice in the workplace . And for every dozen sold , they earn a premium to invest in improving their communities and their lives . My mom deserves to win this ! She has always been there for my brother and I through everything ; emotionally , mentally , and monetarily . She works so hard to keep my step dad healthy and happy , and she provides a wonderful home for him . She had recently been making the switch to a fully compassionate lifestyle that will keep her , my step dad , and the world 's animal safe and healthy . I am very proud of her ! ! She is the most amazing mother and I don 't know what I would do without her ! My mom deserves to win this for so many reasons ! She raised five kids and always put us before herself . Now that we 're all grown up and leaving the house she finally has some time for herself , yet she continues to support us by planning wedding after wedding , baby showers and more ! She never hesitates to jump on a plane to come visit her military kids who are far across the country when we need her . Help me make her day this year ! ! Also she 's been super supportive of my new plant based diet endeavor with no judgement ! ! Brandi Young My mom deserves this great prize for a whole bunch of reasons . She 's a wonderful mom , always there to support me ( and now my family ) . She 's a lot of fun - she 's gone to a theme park with us . She 's just a great lady and I 'd love to spoil her ! My sister in law Sarah Brown because her first almost 2 years as a military wife have not gone great for her . Her husband deployed 2 months after they married and she was pregnant with their first child while he was gone . Now her little boy is going to be without a father in just a weeks time because he is being stationed in Korea without them and it 's just before the little guys first birthday . When they were moving to a new place her husband broke his ankle and she had to do everything herself . She is a strong , determined woman and she so deserves to be pampered ! I would love to win these amazing gifts for my beautiful mother . Her kindness and positivity shine through in everything she does . She 's the most creative , motivated and hard working person I know . My mother in law . She takes care our son while my husband and I work . Sometimes she will even keep him overnight . When we are sick , she will cook a comfort meal and bring it over . She is an amazing women and I am thankful for that . My mom deserves to be pampered this year . She has spent the last year trying to help my 74 year old aunt , her sister . My aunt is no longer driving , by choice . So my mom drives her to the supermarket , the hair salon , her numerous doctors appointments , etc every single week . She is with her just about every day . Which is nice company for my mom , because she lost my dad who was 54 years old , to a 10 year battle with colon cancer in 2009 and both my sister and I live in other states . She has also been trying to help my aunt and herself get healthier . My aunt has a problem creating platelets . Her doctors have tried various things for almost a year now and nothing they have done has worked . My aunt for 72 years of her life prided herself in never eating a vegetable other than a white potato . So now my mother makes her a vegetable and fruit smoothie every single morning to try to help increase her platelets . Now that my aunt is in the hospital due to a suddenly problem , my mom still drives an hour there and an hour back each day to go and see her . She is very determined and always thinking of others before herself . On top of the smoothies , a few years ago my mom finally has adopted a plant based lifestyle . Something her vegan daughters have been trying to get her to do for 2 decades . She works heavily with her local church . That church has about 10 members on a good day and 99 % of them are elderly . They run huge rummage and bake sales every month to try to stay afloat . Huge . I really dont know how they do it , because they never have the same item twice . They pick up the donations , load them onto my father 's old truck , clean them , set them up , haul everything up and down stairs . Its like their own little community center to chat and spend time with each other , and the church has been in most of their families for a 100 years . On top of all this , she owns properties that she has to maintain for her tenants . My dad 's business , that she should let go of , because its a lot of work for someone who isnt handy or doesnt havEven after 30 years my mom still makes sure she spends my birthday with me . Even after I moved across the country . My mom deserves to be pampered . She raised five children and the last one just headed off to college this year . She never once put herself first , and never once did I ever see her pamper herself or even buy anything for herself . She could use a little pampering this Mother 's Day . My mom is great ! She is single at 49 through no fault of her own . She is strong and has gotten through a lot in life on her own . She inspires me . She is always there for me to cry to or laugh with . She is my best friend . And a wonderful grandma to my daughter ! I love my momma ! ! kate m it would be so fun if my mom won this prize . I am a very much grown yet she still always gets me little thoughtful gifts and sends me cute little emails with clip art she finds on the internet . Im also really proud of her because she also has finally started listening to me and has adopted a healthy eating style over the years and really has fun doing so - sharing her creative ideas for recipes with me and her successes and failures . Happy mothers day to all the mothers ! PS - I didn 't know that about the flowers … very interesting My mom absolutely deserves to be pampered ! She has gone out of her way to make sure everyone is taken care of and she will tell you like it is . She has also been my sounding board for everything in my life . She loves my kids more then anything and makes a point to be with them even if for only a day ( she doesn 't even live in the same state as us ) . I feel like she needs to be able to take a moment for herself and to sit back relax and enjoy that moment . She 's the best and I love her so much ! I nominate my friend Dominica . She had her second son naturally several weeks ago as an unplanned home birth when he came faster than expected and they couldn 't make it to the birthing center on time . She is a strong and beautiful vegan mother of two beautiful boys and I know this gift would be fully appreciated . < 3 My mom absolutely deserves to be pampered ! She has gone out of her way to make sure everyone is taken care of and she will tell you like it is . She has also been my sounding board for everything in my life . She loves my kids more then anything and makes a point to be with them even if for only a day ( she doesn 't even live in the same state as us ) . I feel like she needs to be able to take a moment for herself and to sit back relax and enjoy that moment . She 's the best and I love her so much ! My mom , Linda , is beyond special . She has raised five wonderful children of her own and cared for hundreds of children that needed someone to love on them . My mother has been an example of kindness and generosity with her mission work in countries all around the world , including Jamaica , Aruba , Guatemala , and Nicaraqua . I am so proud to be her baby girl and I believe she deserves all the happiness and pampering this world can offer ! Leigh Colby In the hospital with my newborn twin daughters , I had so many questions . My mind was racing between feedings , diaper changes , and sleep deprivation . Many times she would simplify the situation by saying , " If it isn 't broke , don 't fix it . " Years later I apply this simple saying to many aspects of my life . Especially when I am just not sure what to do . It seem that majority of the time over thinking is the culprit for any situation . this is my mothers last mothers day she has stage4 kidney failuremrsa , and more illnesses she never gets out of her gowns , robes , and always covered up . its funny this fair trade . we lived in lima peru in the 70s . you had to have cooks , gardeners , nannys , housekeepers , etc . we were told they only wre to receive 30 a month . mom upset the people we asscosiated with because theyre maids etc . found out we paid ours 100 . . 00 a month . paid their medical , gave them clothes etc . shes been that way all her life with others . shes done so much for others and now everyone has deserted her . Everyone who meets my mom falls in love with her . She is one of the most compassionate , patient and positive person you will ever meet . When I was 2 and my sister was 1 she suddenly became a single mother and was up for the challenge . From then on she didn 't date and just focused her energy on us . Even when she was working 3 jobs at once she always woke up extra early to make gourmet meals for us to heat up for lunch and dinner through out the day . and when she came home from a 16 hour shift she was always excited to see us and never once did I hear her complain . I wish I had appreciated it more back then as I do now . She doesn 't like asking for help , but she lives to care for others . She 's been a caretaker for the elderly , people with disabilities and newborns . We currently all share 1 small room together but she still makes room to decorate the walls with flowers so I think she 'd love the roses . Sometimes I feel like I don 't deserve her but I will spend the rest of my life trying , because thats what she deserves . I would love for my mom to win this ! She has been so wonderful the past few weeks by helping me out with my newborn baby ! She gave up much of her time to help me cook , grocery shop , do laundry , and care for the baby . I am so thankful that she would serve me in this way ! My mom certainly deserves to be pampered after learning that my dad , her husband , has metastic melanoma just months ago . She never flinched , only went straight to work caring for him and ensuring he had only the best care . She is a Super Woman ! My mom is the single greatest person on the planet . I love her to pieces . She is strong , funny , and best of all loving . Thank you for the wonderful giveaway . My mom deserves to win this . We talk on the phone every day , and she sends a card for every occasion . She enjoys having my family over to visit , and she is great with my kids . She will sit and let me daughter play " school " with her for hours . kellywcu8888ATgmailDOTcom My mom works so hard Daily to take care of our family and never takes time to herself . She is so loving energetic full of life . She is always concerned about everyone else . I love for her to be lucky and be pampered by you guys . Thank you My mom is such un unselfish , giving , compassionate person who give wholeheartedly without ever expecting anything in return . She loves unconditionally and always has the right answer . Being a new mom I look up to her and listen to all of her knowledge . My kids and husband love her just as much . I almost lost her in a serious motorcycle accident 7 years ago and I 'll never forget that as the worst day of my life . I don 't know what I would do with out her here on earth . I love her too much and can never give her enough to thank her for who she is and what she does for me and the whole family . She deserves the world . My mom deserves to win because she has spent her year trying to get my father to adopt healthier ways after a cancer and Parkinson 's diagnosis . She does not ever give up … She got him to eat more organics , to switch from diet pepsi to vitamin water … . She has figured out ways to help him walk … putting down poles for him to step over so his walking continues . . She is the strongest woman I know and she teaches me more every day how to be stronger . I am often called Supermom by friends . . I have stepdaughter , a child with autism and allergies and an infant … but I would never be half the mom i am without her example and love . She deserves this more than anyone I know . I love this post ! It feels like I 'm never looking in the right places for fair trade items , and there just isn 't enough around . I 'd love for my mom to win this giveaway because she 's a dedicated daughter , sister , mom , aunt , grandma - auntie ( she 's like a mom to my cousins and grandma to their kids ) , and grandma who is always looking after everyone in her life , but rarely gets a moment for herself . She could use some pampering and appreciation . Thank you for sharing this beautiful giveaway ! My stepmother is 1 of my heroes . She did not give birth to me , but she welcomed me when my biological mother neglected me . I 'll never be able to show my " mom " how much I appreciate her selfless act of nurturing someone else 's child . Alicia , I know a Mom that so deserves to be pampered . We both have children with epilepsy but her baby girl is so sick right now . She caught a cold from her Mom and it caused her to get so sick . Her right lung collapsed and she has been needing oxygen for days . She is in the hospital in Denver but thankfully she is starting to feel a little better today . Her Mom was alone with her for the first 2 days , which were the worst , because her Dad was in Atlanta . They have had to live apart for a year because they needed to get their daughter Haleigh the medicine she needed to save her life . They are going to be together again in Atlanta as soon as their daughter is well enough to go home . This Mom has been through so much this year and this week . She deserves to be pampered more than anyone I have ever known . Please give this sweet and loving Mom a well needed break ! Thank you so much ! Happy Mother 's Day to you ! Me and my mom deserve it ! Especially my mother . She 's an super hero and a kick a * * mother ! She helped me become the awesome mother I am today ! We would love this opportunity . Thanks for the chance . Rebecca B My Mother is very deserving ! She always takes care of everyone else and puts herself last . She recently started putting her health as a priority in her life and I am so proud of her that she is getting healthy ! ! So it would be nice to have a little pampering for her ! Thanks for the opportunity for these giveaways . You rock ! C . Blake Thanks for sharing this Alicia ! I have lot 's of mom 's in my life that would like this . My birth mother is no longer with us but I have sisters and friends . I hope this gift goes to a very deserving mom . I like to buy fair trade when I can find it . I usually see the label on tea and coffee . Anyway , a little lyric for Bear 's Birthday … . Oh my goodness , I believe my mother deserves this because she is constantly giving towards others . Not only does she care for my daughter , her husband and myself , but she is always running around for her 102 year old mother and never takes time for herself . I have tried to offer a simple pedicure on numerous occasions , and she won 't do it ! This would be the perfect opportunity to extend a moment of wellness and happiness to a woman who is always sacrificing her time and never takes a minute to honor herself . I love buying Fair Trade ! Thanks for tipping us off to some cool new items . My mom deserves to win ! She helped me through grad school the last four years and helped me with an overwhelming move last month . She 'd really like the coffee , robe , and shea butter ! Thanks , Alicia ! I nominate my sister Kristi Montague . She just went through a ( surprise ) rough pregnancy while caring for a toddler and working full time on a book and video project that spreads so much joy into the world ! My niece is now 7 weeks old , and so sweet & beautiful ! ! I am currently 39 weeks pregnant with my first baby so this will be my first Mother 's Day ! My sister and I love supporting fair trade businesses , and these products sound wonderful ! Happy Mother 's Day Alicia ! ! ! Lisa - Marie My mom deserves some pampering with the fair trade gifts . She is 83 years old and has spent all her life caring for her family . After my brothers and I were on our own she watched both my daughters for me everyday from 8 weeks old through elementary school so that I could work to support them . My dad passed suddenly 4 years ago and my mom moved in to live with me . I am finally able to return her kindness by caring for her ( although much of the time it seems she is still caring for me ! ) She is a blessing . My beautiful daughters Michelle ! She will give birth to her 5th ! Child at the end of this month ! ! She homeschools her other 4 . They are the most loved . . sweet . . kind ! Kids you have ever met ! She parents with such love , grace and kindness ! Now with number 5 new babe she is gonna be an even more buzy mama ! ! She could definitely use some pampering ! ! ! ! BC My mom deserves pampering for life ! She was a military wife , moved around raising 2 young children , often by herself . We had moved to 8 different states by the time I was 8 . My dad loves us , but she very much did a lot on her own due to his career . They separated when my brother and I were in our early teens , and she dealt with some pretty difficult teen years mostly alone again ( sorry , Mom ! ) She has been a constant inspiration . She faces a lot of difficulties , she now lives on the other side of the country as her siblings and mother as this is where my dad 's job last moved us and she wants to stay by my brother and I , plus selling the house and moving is really hard . She has medical problems ranging from psoriasis , to a degenerative bone disorder , to a titanium hip , to a recently broken elbow , and she perseveres and doesn 't let anything stop her . She can 't work due to her injuries , but the state doesn 't recognize her as disabled , so things can get pretty tough , but she makes it work . She 's just recently started dating after over 10 years of being single , and I know she 's scared , but she 's doing it and I 'm SO proud of her for it . For everything she 's been through , my mother deserves to be pampered and spoiled . She has finally reached a place where she realizes how amazing she is and can finally accept that other people see that too . My mamma deserves this ! She is one of the most caring & funniest people I know . She never pampers herself . We live very far from each other so we don 't get see each other much . I would love to be able to send some extra love her way ! Not to mention May 8th is my Birthday & I absolutely adore everything in this package . I would love to indulge in a little pampering myself ! I cannot say enough about how much my mom deserves to be pampered , she 's my best friend and my rock . She 's helped me raise my children after my fiance died suddenly and for a while my kids list me too , she was there for all of the middle of the night panic attacks , she pulled me up when I was at my lowest . She also works so hard at a high stress job , I worry about her health , she never does much for herself , she 's always thinking of others . Plus , she has a wicked sense of humor and can always make me laugh , sometimes laughter truly can be the best medicine . This is an amazing chance , thank you so much and Happy Mothers Day to you and all of the other moms out there . Michelle K . These are such amazing items with equally amazing backstories of production . My best friend 's mom , Marilyn , who is a wonderful , supportive , beautiful , kind , super hard - working woman had a huge role in raising me . While she is not my birth mother , she has so generously given so much of herself to me . Growing up , she was a single mom to 3 children , and still had enough heart , love and time to offer to me . I 'll never forget as a kid walking into her home , not having had dinner , and she took spaghetti right off of her plate and gave it to me so that I would feel part of her family and their meal . She didn 't have a lot to share , but shared pretty much everything she had . She also exposed me to worlds like volunteering and helping others who had even less than I did . She taught me not to be afraid of people who were different . My son and I visited Marilyn yesterday and gave her a pot filled with 2 seeds and soil which will hopefully bloom and grow . I would give any 1 of these gifts to Marilyn . She always finds a way to give to others and I would love to be able to do something extra special for her ! My daughter 's teacher , Mrs . Devich , deserves this lovely gift . She teaches 36 amazing but rowdy fifth graders . She is fair , kind but firm with laying down the law . She has a hubby and three lovely children . I just can 't imagine how she juggles school kids , school kids parents , and her own fabulous family while grocery shopping , attending games , kissing ochies and all the mom things we do . She is amazing ! I have a hippie vegan mom who gives everything she has to others . I would love to give back ! Especially with this gorgeous gift - it 's something she could really appreciate . My mom so deserves to win because she 's always putting us kids first . In the last several years she 's taken my sister and her two children in to get her away from an abusive husband . She tirelessly has cared for them and loved on them , helping them get back on their feet . It would be so incredible for her to win such an amazing gift ! Thank you for the opportunity Alicia ! My friend 's mother , Roseanne , deserves the world . She lost both her daughters from a disease called Thalassemia Major . This is how I met her , I have Thalassemia Major also . She was the best mother anyone who could ever ask for to her daughters . I lost contact with Roseanne for many years ( Lisa died in 1980 , and Denise died in 1986 ) . We met at a funeral for another friend with Thal Major in 2004 . I was never happier to see anyone in my life - just to see her , brought back my child and young adulthood . Since then , she 's seen me through a battle with Non Hodgkins Lymphoma , and we have become so close ( my mom died when I was 21 , in 1983 ) , and I would love for her to have something very special for Mother 's Day . Once you are a mother , you never cease being a mother , she carries her children in her heart xo This is so awesome ! I would love to be able to give this gift to my mom - she 's the most generous and loving person I 've ever known , and I grow closer to her every day ! ! ! Happy mother 's day to all - xoxoxo I 'm a mom who has things pretty easy . I don 't feel like I need to be pampered . But when I saw this post I immediately thought of a friend of mine ( we 'll call her T ) who has been going through a difficult time . For about 17 years she has been the primary care - taker of her sister 's child ; she 's as much a mom as anyone I know . T has been planning a trip to Scotland for over a year and is supposed to leave in a little over a week . T 's mother recently had a fall in the bath tub and T had to call 911 to help get her mother out . T 's mom has been in the hospital and it turns out she had a really bad infection that traveled to her spine . She was in surgery for the better part of yesterday . She 'll be in the hospital on antibiotics for at least a month and will then need to be moved to a rehab facility . T 's adopted daughter is about to graduate high school and recently got into a fender bender , so add " one car down " to their latest troubles . She missed her senior picture today because of the issues going on with her grandmother . T is missing work trying to keep things together and is trying to find someone to take her place at the very last minute for the Scotland trip . ( I would do it but the money is a lot to come up with in such a short amount of time . ) I first met T on a study abroad trip very soon after her father died . She almost didn 't go on that trip , and I know that the latest life obstacles have probably been bringing all of that up again for her . Those are the highlights of the troubles that have hit this family , one of the most close - knit , deserving - of - a - break families I know . My mother - in - law needs to be pampered ! She takes care of so many people and always puts others first . I would love for her to win this gift ! I was blessed with a wonderful step - mom who has been in my life for over 40 years . She was always there for me and made my favorite foods from scratch when I came for my bi - weekly visits . She is a pillar in our family as everyone depends on her wisdom and strength . I so appreciate her for taking care of my father the last few years of his life as the strong man became so week and fragile from Parkinson disease . My mom took care of him to the day he left us 2 years ago this month . I know it is hard for her to be alone as she wants to stay in her home in their retirement community that they have lived in for 15 years . I think my mom would appreciate a special gift of fair trade coffee and pampering gifts . My mom just moved across the country to help me with child care after spending the past 3 years taking care of my grandmother who was dying of cancer . She is the best grandmother to my little guy & has been the best mom in the world to me . Even though she was a single mom from the time I was two , scraping by each month , whose entire family was in another country , she always found ways to make me feel like I was the luckiest kid in the world . And I am , because I 've always had her unconditional support & love . She helped me through school anxiety as a child , went veg with me when I decided to stop eating animals at age 12 , and worked 3 jobs to put me through college . Her advice to me as an adult has always come from empathy and openness . This is a woman who would ( and does ) give anything for those she loves without complaint . She has so readily been there to help her daughter & her mother that she forgets to prioritize her own needs . I wish I had the means to pamper my mom now in the way she deserves , I am going to try to take a page from her book and get creative this mothers day . I better get busy ! my mom deserves it because she puts other people 's needs before herself . she is kind , caring , intelligent , and extremely funny . i know i would be lost without her . she works too hard and doesn 't get paid enough . well we both do . AnnaZed My Mother - in - Law , Patty ; what a dear she is ( nothing at ALL like the bad mother - in - laws of stage and screen ) . She works ( still ! she will finally retire in July ) , she takes care of her husband who though only 70 has been recently injured and is on a long recovery time - line and she takes care of my husband 's oafish brothers who ( in their 40s ) live with Mom and Dad . Oh , and she has 5 rescue dogs ! And she 's my pal . My mom has been striving to lose weight for the last year or so and has done an awesome job of it ! She has lost about 30 - 40 lbs . She looks and feels so much better and she just wants to keep going . I am so proud of her . And it 's not a diet , it 's a lifestyle change . She did so well that my dad even joined her . She is literally reshaping the health of her family ! My dad was considering a bypass surgery , but now that he has been on this new eating plan , he has already lost about 40 lbs and he has a new hope that he won 't need surgery ! ! ! As for myself , this is going to be my very first mother 's day . I am 14 weeks pregnant ! My hubby and I are so excited ! My Mama has had a series of health issues ( including spinal surgery ) over the years that have kept her in an endless cycle of debt . Unable to work , unable to get ahead . But that doesn 't stop her from helping anyone in need who crosses her path . She lives a life of compassion and I am proud to call her my best friend . She is an amazing human being and deserves to be pampered on Mother 's Day , and everyday . While I do everything within my means to help , she lives on the other side of the country . I would love to be able to send her this beautiful gift package to remind her just how special she is to me and everyone she encounters . Thanks , Alicia - you 're so thoughtful ! ! < 3 My mother deserves to be pampered this year for moms day because she had a stroke 2 years ago and had to quit working and all of her outside daily activists . She used to be a seamstress and used to knit all of our slippers and crocheted our blankets . Now all she can do is sit and play games on our computer . She has lost her smile and this would sure cheer her up . Thank you for this giveaway . My mother in law . She is truly an amazing person and does so much for her family . She flew to NY to watch our daughter so my husband and I can get away for the weekend . Plus , she is writing her 3rd book ! I 'm texting from my mother 's hospital room . She is leaving AMA as she 's a terrible patient who doesn 't like to be fussed over and it causes her a lot of stress . She 's getting crotchety and taciturn in her old age , but funny too ( think Shirley MacLaines character in Steel Magnolias ) . Anyhow , she doesn 't think she 'll be around much longer nor does she want to be . She does give to charity and she loves her family and friends . My mother has had a rough year . Since last Mother 's Day she will have endured life - changing situations which will make this Mother 's Day become a reminder of what she once had . Last June she lost her job of 30 years and unfortunately couldn 't keep her home due to financial constraint . She had to be out of her house the day before Halloween , everything was packed and put into storage . My mother 65 and homeless to bounce around from one family member to another until she could get back on her feet was heartbreaking . Unfortunately she took a terrible fall that same night ; fracturing her arm and leg . She was laid up at her sisters to heal for a couple weeks until I was to pick her up to come stay with my husband and I for a compassionate Thanksgiving . She started developing breathing issues when she came to stay . It was the day before Thanksgiving and I had to rush her to the ER . My mom was in the hospital due to a pulmonary embolism and she ended up being admitted . She was in the hospital for five days and ended up back in the ER two days later , but was discharged that same day . Long story short she 's much better than before , on blood thinners and pain management . The clot was caused by the fracture in her leg from falling the night of Oct 30 at her sisters . She has been currently staying at my brothers due to doctor appointments in her hometown and also having to see specialist and physical therapists because her arm fractures froze during the healing process ; causing her bones to lock in her hand and shoulder . There 's been lots of dark days for my mom this past year , she deserves this pampered gift ! Not only has she lost her job , dignity , pride , privacy and mobility but she has lost everything she ever worked for and at this age of her life it 's not easy to bounce back . I 'm manifesting that it can only get better from here . My co - worker Laurie deserves this . She 's a substitute teacher ( one of the toughest jobs there is ! ) and a part time library clerk . She 's had a rough few months personally and could use a pick me up . She 's a loving , caring mother who puts everyone else 's needs ahead of her own . She 's been a great cheerleader to me and is the first to jump in and help me out if I need it . No questions asked . You couldn 't ask for a truer friend . Her children will never know how lucky they are to have her . Thanks for considering . My mom deserves to win this pampering Mother 's Day gift because she has set the best example for my sister and me on how to strive for success and live a happy and healthy life . She dedicates her life to her children and family and not only acts as our loving mother but we joke that she acts as our secretary and personal assistant as well . She is always there for us when we need it and is the true example of how hard work can pay off . She recently changed her lifestyle to set a better example for my sister and I by going organic and losing over 50 lbs . She bettered her life for herself and so that she could be there for myself and my sister for as long as possible . I don 't know who could be a better role model and who would deserve this more than her ! Leslie Du Fresne My mom would say that she 's not doing anything special , but I know the truth ! She 's always there and I 'd love to see her extra pampered this year . Love you mom ! My mom lead me to the path of healing with nature . Homeopathy and now essential oils are in my medicine cabinet for me and my family . I 'm so blessed to be here ! Blessings one drop at a time ! My sister definitely deserves these fair trade gifts . She is an amazing mom , wife , sister and daughter . She puts everyone first and often gives up her plans to accommodate everyone else . She is always ready to lend a hand and open her home to everyone . She is also an amazing teacher ( currently subbing until a full time position is available ) . She was with our mother when she died and has always been there for everyone in the family . Everyone loves her ! How do I choose one ? I 'll have to go with my friend and mama - inspiration , Hilary . She is a mom of two boys and single - parents many months out of the year , as her husband works out of the country . She runs a school and serves on numerous education boards . She , like all moms , do full - time everything ! When I am tempted to break down over something , I think of her . If Hilary can do it , I tell myself , then I sure as hell can ! ! My best friend Hope is the best mom I know ! After going through a series of fertility treatments , finally getting pregnant , and then loosing one of her twins , she has always stayed strong for her son and has loved him unconditionally . She is planning on going through IVF again soon , but just found out her job is moving and she may be laid off this October , so IVF may have to be put on hold . She could definitely use some pampering ! I 'm due with my first baby this August ( huge thanks to The Kind Momma Book for being such a great resource ) , and I hope I can be at least half the Momma she is ! ! ! ! My Mom deserves to be pampered this year and every year because she is so Amazing ! She had 5 kids , worked as a seamstress at home to make extra money for our birthdays and Christmas etc … ! She is so loving , supportive and always there for us through the good and the bad times ! She would do anything for her family and friends ! She has the early stages of Alzheimer 's now , and moving down here to Florida in June and I am going to take of her just the way she did us ! I am so blessed to have her as my Mom ! ❤️ She gave me away on my wedding day since Dad was already in heaven . Happy Mother 's Day to all the Moms at Nourish Organic and Fair Trade ! Anna Pry I 'm hoping to win this for my mother - in - law . She 's put everything into giving to her family . I 'm so blessed to have her in my life , and so are my children . They adore her ! My mother was a single mom most of my life . She raised myself and my 3 other siblings pretty much alone . I know we weren 't the best kids , but she always gave us her best . Now she works everyday trying to reunite families who are struggling through abuse , addiction , homelessness and other horrible things and never takes the time to care for herself . She deserves this and I only wish I could give her more . Wendy My mother deserves to be pampered this year . She was just diagnosed with Congestive heart disease and did not know that she even had it for 4 months and had to be hospitalized . She had to quit working due to extreme fatique and being out of breath . She sends money to help a local pet charity give food to people to keep their pets with them even though she does not have money to buy her medication and daily living . Thanks Wendy My mom deserves to be pampered ! She is visiting us here , coming from abroad just for 2 weeks to help me with 2 little kids , and she leaves the next day after Mother 's Day and it 's not even celebrated in her country ! ! I think all mothers should be celebrated but as my mom is my personal heroine , I would like to dedicate this day to her . Thank u for such a thoughtful and luxurious arrangement of this gift ! < 3 My mom deserves to be pampered ! Not only is she a wonderful Pre - K teacher she also has been caring for her mother who requires a lot of attention . She 's a wonderful grandmother to my kids and is always there when I need her . Sami Collins I would have to say my mom . She would absolutely love the Fair Trade Mother 's Day surprise . She raised six children without help or child support . There were times we struggled , but she never let on there was a problem . She got us through the years we were " just existing " ( her words ) and somehow we all turned out fine . I think supporting fair trade products is a wonderful way to support women worldwide and give them the chance and opportunity they otherwise would not have . Happy ( coming up ) Mother 's Day to everyone too ! I believe my mom is the most deserving one I know . She has been through a lot in her life . Two years ago , she gave up almost everything she knew and moved from the only city she has ever lived in to start a new life in another state to be closer to us . Her motivation for such a bold move was the news of me becoming a mother . It has not been a smooth transition for her . She has been in and out of finding a decent job , she 's been learning how to get around in a new town without a car , struggling to keep a roof over her head and food to eat . She also recently decided to start school after only having a high school diploma for almost 3 decades . Even with all this difficulty she is still so happy she made the move . She has never been this independent before . I am incredibly proud of her . I wish I could do so much for her , but we are struggling ourselves . My Mom needs to believe in magic again . Winning this package would restore her faith and allow her to feel the warm embrace of the universe again . It would be a gift that kept on giving through a Mother like her , for she always gives more than she receives in kindness and goodness . Daina Leimanis My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer ( after a life as a non - smoker ) about 9 months ago . She had been following a mostly vegan diet for about a year prior to being diagnosed . After her diagnosis , she embarked bravely on a macrobiotic lifestyle and also with conventional medical treatment with a targeted drug against the mutation that her cancer cells had . An early mother 's day present for my mom this year was discovering that her cancer has become resistant to the drug and metastasized again . Despite this , she feels well , continues to work , and generally is the rock and foundation for our family even over great distances . While no material goods can truly counter the disappointment and dread of a spreading cancer , I 'd love to be able to pamper her this year to distract her from this terrible disease . I am so thankful for my mother for many reasons . As my brothers and I get older , we luckily have the chance to see each other almost every day . They are my best friends , truly . They represent everything I would want in a friend and sibling , with so many admirable qualities . I 'm in awe . And then I look to my mom and realize she has created 3 beautiful children and raised them mostly on her own . We owe everything to her and I would love to celebrate her goodness with this sweet Eco mama gift ! The mother of one of my close friend 's deserves a treat . I 've referred to her for years as my " second mother " because she has always been there for me since I was a teenager . She takes care of her eldest daughter AND her elderly mother who has suffered from multiple strokes and health issues , all on her own , while holding down a full - time job and having the sole income in her household ! She is a Wonder Woman , and even though things can be very stressful around her at times she is and has always been so full of love . She never gets a chance to look after herself because she is always putting everyone else first . I would love for her to get pampered this Mother 's Day ! What can we say about mother 's ? My mom tried so hard to work and be there for me and my siblings . She wasn 't perfect but I love her laugh , her sillyness , her endless cooking and tender care . She is a retired nurse and I feel I take after her nurturing qualities . For all the years of love she gave and continues to give , I am grateful . I think it has shaped the mom that I have become . Mom - such a beautiful word . My good friend , Karen deserves this . She 's the only friend I have that also parents more eco - friendly and natural . She has a two month old baby boy and often takes care of him by herself because her husband is in the military . She 's a fantastic mother and a dear friend and this would be amazing ! ! ! My mom deserves to be pampered this year and every year . She is kind , generous , incredibly caring and always has so much love to give . My father has had severe health problems for many years and my mom is supportive and has pushed for him to receive the best care available . She never waivers from her intentions . She was in car accident several months ago in which her clavicle was broken along with other injuries . She never lost her smile and even though it was a setback , she is coming back stronger than ever . She always has as much time as I need to listen and gently offer advise . She is my fan and I have always known that I am loved and my children know how much they are loved . I am so blessed that my mom is also my best friend . My best friend , Sarah , deserves to be treated to this great gift this year ! She is a 3rd grade teacher who is very dedicated to the children that she works with . She is also a stellar mother to a son who is 6 years old with Autism . Life is challenging since her husband works 12 hours days and often stays overnight at jobs , but she keeps persevering ! Sarah has been a great friend to me for almost 20 years and I would love to see her win ! ! i know everyones mom is the greatest , where would any of us be if it wasn 't for mom . moms are special ! they comfort us when we are sad , they wipe our tears when we cry , they are our biggest supporters in everything we do . they 're there for us when we need advice and they 're there for us when we need a hug . where would any of us be without our moms . we love you and cherish all you do for us each and every day of our lives . happy mothers YEAR ! I 'd give the gifts to my Mom ! We 're incredibly lucky to have a close bond . Its my first year of college and of course , that comes with new challenges . I don 't see her as much as I 'd like . I actually won 't even be in town for mothers day due to Finals . I was feeling so sad by that and she just looked at me and said " Spending any day with you is Mother 's Day " . She 's so selfless , caring and supportive . I would love to give her such a luxurious and eco - friendly gift ! My mother is more than just a mom . . She is a special needs grandmother . . My son is a non - verbal boy and he is so attached to his grandma . . The love she gives his boy and their relationship is something so pure that could not be matched . . No words are needed to see the love between the two of them , which is priceless . . She is a mother that has lost a daughter . . Which is somthing no mother should ever endure . . She lost her job shortly thereafter and had to have surgery . . By keeping her faith and her smile she made it through the difficult times to shine through . . A true fighter and warrior but always smiling through it all . . HS kraftmaking My mother deserves a special treat just as any other , with her countless acts of selflessness and unbeatable kind heart but I know of a mother who lost her son last year and would give anything to have him back . She is a kind and wonderful person in which my heart breaks at the thought of losing my child at a young age due to addiction , in which she endlessly tried to end . I feel she is most deserving of a kind gift and a reminder of the wonderful person and mother she was , is and continues to be . My mother is going through many hardships and despite it all continues to still be there as my mom . She is still my best friend providing love , support , laughter , advice after 29 years of raising a daughter who is almost the complete opposite of her . But rather than brag about how proud she makes me for being strong and giving to others , I have actually been more concerned with what 's happening deep inside with her heart and mind . It saddens and worries me my mother is hiding lonliness , depression , anxiety , fear , shame , and anger . How could one not be facing a personal mental health battle everyday when one of your daughters is a serious drug addict , your father is homophobic and your a gay woman , your partner lives with bipolar disorder , your raising your 6 year old nephew after already raising three grown children , your brother died unexpextantly last year , your sister was just diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer , your youngest daughter is the first one pregnant with a new boyfriend , you struggle everyday with weight issues . There is probably more but just writing these out has made me tired and sad . So for mother 's day , I truly wish more than anything for my mom to enjoy a needed break , even if just temporary and let herself work on healing herself this time around . My wish for my mom on mother 's day is the same wish I have everyday , is to make sure despite all the smiles on top , there is strength and smiles on the inside too . It 's important to me to not only have a mother who takes care of me , but one who takes great care of herself as well . MamaBritt My mother - in - law deserves to win these lovely gifts . She is a retired teacher who taught for over 30 years . She is so giving and so generous and she has done so much for our family . She works hard everyday as a caretaker to my father - in - law who is suffering from Parkinson 's Disease . She deserves some pampering and relaxation this Mother 's Day ! My mom deserves to be pampered this year , every year and every day . She always worked so hard to make the best life for us … she made the most of everything , supported me , survived my teen years and more seriously , survived breast cancer . She continues to be mom and friend to me and my partner . There 's no mom in this world I 'd rather have … she was my perfect match . My mom is a true Earth Angel who helps people constantly . It seems that , at times , people are put in her path who have no one else to turn to . My mother is strong , generous , compassionate and has empathy for everyone . She 's a survivor , and she helps everyone around her survive . I have so much love and gratitude for the woman who raised me and gave me so much , yet does very little to pamper herself . She really does deserve a special gift from the Universe . < 3 My mother has been supportive of me , with tough love sometimes … through all my years . Even when I did not hear it or resented it . She 's been a rock . The best kind . She retired this year and has been working hard to build her retirement life . She deserves some pampering . Kristen My mom deserves to have a bit of a break . She raised five kids , homeschooled us , and raised most of our food . Now that we 're grown up she 's started working at the farmers market ! Everyone has so many wonderful mums ! My mother is amazing . The most upbeat adorable person . She has had 6 kids and still raising 3 young ones on her own . And an amazing teacher . Her specialty is working with mentally handicapped children . 2 years ago she was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer . Unfortunately she is unable to get breast implants since her body rejected them . I have to keep telling her that her hair will grow longer and that she looks so cute with her pixie length hair . Now she looks like an asian doll . She is my source of light when ever I 'm feeling lonely abroad . Due to this illness , she 's having to work less hours now at the school which is really hurting her financially . I see my family only a few times a year since I am studying medicine abroad ( much cheaper this way ) Since her diagnosis she 's taken up the habit of eating all organic . YAY ! This makes me so happy since breast cancer is on the rise and is triggered by many pollutants we intake in our ever expanding industrial environment . This has much to do with epigenetics , a field I am very interested in . Even though she laughs off the pain , I often see this hopelessness in her eyes . I feel helpless . Why do big corporations like Monsanto have to hijack our health for the purpose of wealth . I want to see her happy , really happy . My grandfather died last year and I think she is doesn 't want my sisters to end up alone . This worries me as well . I think she deserves this not for the pain she has suffered but for being my rock when my dad left . For reading me Shakespeare when I was little and letting me watch Princess bride over and over : ) For pushing me to not giving up in school . I didn 't grow up in the best area but she showed me it 's not where you come from but where you are going , what you do . That success is not in getting money but being in the process of acquiring your goals whatever they may be ! Hi Alicia ! Love your enthusiasm with the Mother 's Day giveaways . I am not writing about my Mom , although I do love her , but I am writing about my daughter . My daughter 's name is Jenna and she is a new Mom this Mother 's Day . Her son Landon will be 9 months old this month . They live about 4 hours away from me . I recently had a discussion with her explaining that although I love my Grandson to death , I wanted her to realize why I was not over bearing with her decisions on being a Mom to him . I realized when he was born that my job as a mom was to let her be one too . When I had my children ( she is my baby ) I received so many unsolicited comments about how I should do things , what I was doing wrong , etc . I was overwhelmed with being a new and young mom , that I didn 't enjoy my own decisions ! I didn 't want to burden her with those same feelings - so I let her do whatever she needs to with the space to make her decisions , whether or not I feel they are right or wrong . She actually doesn 't need my advice , she is an awesome mom ! He is the cutest little blue eyed snuggler you would ever want to hug ! ! ! ( Besides Bear I 'm sure ! ) Anyway , Jenna is moving another 30 minutes away from us ( due to her husbands job ) so she will be even a bit further away . I truly love her , her baby , and her husband . I think its important for Mom 's to realize that , although you are a mom , you are not your daughter 's childs ' mom - its a right of passage to trust your children and let them be free to explore what a wondrous thing Motherhood actually is - Happy Mother 's Day ! - Debi Over the past year my mother was diagnosed with a rare type of cancer . At the time she was going to school to obtain her nursing degree and watching her grandson so my younger sister could go to work and school . She underwent chemo and had to stay in the hospital postponing her education . while we were growing up she worked extra hard at a dead end job for us . After her cancer treatment she went back and obtained her degree even though she 'd been through a lot and still has headaches and such from the cancer . She is now a cancer survivor and is working in her field of study . She is an amazing woman to look up to . Teresa My best friend in the whole world deserves this . She is my second mom and spends her time doing selfless acts . She put on a Christmas party for military who didn 't have a place to go and even made stockings for all the kids with everything out of her own pocket . She did the same organizing a thanksgiving one year for military . They now carry that tradition over every year . No one knows she started it they just attend it . She buys kids in need school supplies each year or just makes them a root beer float for their birthdays . She will often throw them a cupcake party where they can decorate their own cupcakes out of nowhere . She brought a family in need presents and food one year for Christmas . Her acts of kindness are endless . She has so many adopted grand kids . And children . Hadar Aviram My mom deserves to be pampered ! She has been working a demanding full - time job and , on top of that , caregiving for my grandma , after two years in which she did intense caregiving for my grandpa until he died . And nonetheless , she remembers everyone 's birthdays and hosts parties for them , keeps track of everyone 's schedule , and makes sure everyone is healthy and doing well . She is the epitome of selflessness and deserves some fun from others . My loving and beautiful mother could really use some pampering for Mother 's Day . My mom was in the hospital last Sep for 3 weeks due to complications from her back then went to rehab for 4 weeks . Not having my mom home for 7 weeks was hard but I visited her almost every single day to lift her spirits . She had cataract surgery in Jan and Retina surgery last month . Her eyesight is getting much better and I can see that she is more confident and happier which makes me happy . I will do anything for mom to make her happy . I am the person I am today because of her love , kindness and support . She raised me all by herself since I was 2 yrs old and deserves the very best in life . Thank you mom for being my best friend ! Love you always ! I think my mom deserves to be pampered ! She raised 7 children and is always giving ! She is one of the most kind and caring person i know ! My mom is the most selfless person I know . She single - handedly raised all her children and is now taking care of my sister who is fighting cancer . I love her , she deserves the best Mother 's Day ! My mother deserves this because she had to put up with my brother and I while dealing with a degenerative eye disease , which has resulted in her needing a corneal transplant . She 's also had problems with her back , foot , gallbladder , and she had sleep apnea . While I was in high school , she lost about 120 lbs in ten months . I 'm so proud of her . She has gone through so much in her life . She was born to immigrants in Canada and moved to the US as a child . When she was an early teen , her father passed away and her family fell into deep poverty . She had a very hard life as a teenager having to grow up so quickly . I love her with all my heart . One of the meaningful words ever is Mom . It sounds comforting , it sounds peaceful , and it sounds so protective and strong . My friend Miyuki Parris is all of those . She is a Mom to two wonderful boys , who are 10 and 13 . But her motherly world is spreading beyond of that . Miyuki became a Mom to so many children all over the World , who are deprived of mother love . Once she found out that my own Mom visits one of the local orphanages in Almaty , Kazakhstan , she immediately stepped in , sending school supplies and basic household items to those children , who didn 't have even toothpaste . Next time , when I went there , I brought her an application of colorful house , kids made for her from carton as their gratefulness . Kids know that there is someone special who cares about them and loves them genuinely . And that is not one time thing . She has been constantly helping children in needs , as much as she could since I met her in summer 2001 . She was temporarily even my Mom here , sharing her house and food with me when I was going to grad school and struggling between jobs . I felt a harmony in all her acts , because everything she did , she did it from her heart . She taught me and her boys to sweetness of giving , caring and sharing . She does not make big money at all , but she is saving towards donation for children . She has been contributing to help to sick children in the hospitals ; local vulnerable children from low income families by sending toys , books , clothes and food ; children all over the world by whatever donations she can make toward food for them . That devotion and that humble kindness make her one Kind Mama . As for me , I am not Mom , yet , I myself have been diagnosed as infertile since 2005 . But I don 't give up ! Since I bought your " The Kind Mama " book last June , everything is different for the best ! By now , I completely have changed my diet ; have been 7 months vegan and just loving it . The philosophy of book inspired me , gave me strength and hope , and my instincts say that everything will be even better . I feel healthier , wiser and younger than ever ! Thank you Bear 's Mama ! My sister is a hardworking single mom . She works 12 hours a day and still tries to make sure she is there to take her kids to any school related activities that they are involved in . She lost her husband a few years ago and she tries to make sure that her kids don 't forget who their father was and tries to keep them involved in things to fill the void . My vegan sister and I would love to be pampered for mother 's day . . being vegan we don 't get the care that meat eaters get because it seems nobody knows what to give us . It would just be phenomenal to get some vegan goods for mom 's day and share them with her ! ! Thanks ! ! I 'm nominating my sweet mama ! She has been on her own since 15 ! She always had a vision for the kids she would one day have before she even knew us . She planned to give us a better life than what she had , & trust me she went through a lot of crappy trials … I 'm so proud of her for coming out of all of it and never letting life get her down . Single mom of three puts herself through real estate school and busts her butt and provides for us everything we could possibly need and more . The older I get the more I realize the sacrifices and struggles she had to go through to make sure we lived a good life . I just found out I am going to be a mom I am so excited about spending this Mother 's Day with my mom this year ! ! Rachel As a new mom , my wife Cami amazes me everyday . As the proud mama of a beautiful 4 month old , she is tireless in making sure our baby is happy and as healthy as can be . Her strength and commitment to a healthy lifestyle for our little one are more than I could imagine . And as important as it is to her to keep an organ and healthy household , I 'm sure not many would appreciate these organic / free trade products more than she would . My mom is a great mom ! She came from parents who were in an arranged married and they had planned that for her too . She met my dad in college and eloped , and for many years her parents didn 't talk to her . She went on to have four daughters ( I 'm one ) and eventually her parents forgave her . My mom is a great mom who has came over hardship . I love her very much ! I would like to nominate myself and my mother , this year we grew closer than ever . Growing up as a teen my mother and I went through some challenging times , but as we both matured ( especially me ) our relationship has only flourished . I am a mother now and I realize what it takes to raise a child , I hope to express my gratitude and love for my mother this year in a special way ! This giveaway seems perfect for us because my mother and I have become so much more aware of our place in this beautiful world and how we each can help the world to improve through small ways . The more we learn about ways of life , like fair trade , the more thought we put into our purchases and overall lifestyle . as a singer and song - writer . Like Crystal , Cat Evers , selflessly advocates for social compassion and sustainable change . I know Crystal would be elated to be receive the Free Trade Mother 's Day gifts , but irrespective of the giveaway , I thank you , Alicia , for the opportunity to share my friend 's story and upon reading it , I hope she knows how valued she truly is ! - Victoria Howard My mom really deserves to win this beautiful set . She is 93 years young and has raised 5 kids , helped raise 14 grandkids , 23 great - grandkids , and 2 great - great - grandkids . She had 5 way by - pass heart surgery at 85 years old and had issues with her knees now , but never lets any of it get her down . She still lives in her own home and attends church every Sunday . She is a wonder woman , mother and grandmother and so deserves to be pampered more than anyone else I know . Thank you for doing this for which ever mom wins it . My mom would love these items . Health is so important to her . She works full - time for a school district but has also been teaching yoga & doing personal training for as long as I can remember ! She 's a hard worker & sometimes forgets to take time for herself . She 's actually working the morning of Mother 's Day . This would be a lovely reminder to slow down a little , relax & be pampered . Ali Johnston My mom is the ultimate giver . She just spent over three weeks here in Vermont tending to my every need after having my first child . While she was here , she was arranging for donations for a child in her town in West Virginia to attend a school trip through an organization she founded called Happy Kids . Children she has helped through her work as a child advocate have grown to love and trust her , calling on her in their times of need . During the same time she was here helping me , she also received calls from two different teens in the foster system needing a place to stay . She always finds a way to make it work . She is also writing a children 's book about the life of her friend William , who escaped genocide and child slavery in Sudan . She always puts others before herself . Last year , her best friend since childhood unexpectedly died , leaving behind her two beloved dogs . My mom was devastated by the loss . Her friend 's family were going to put the dogs up for adoption , but she knew that was not what her friend would have wanted . So , she was able to get the dogs from Houston to WV , where they now live with her and her other adopted animals . She experienced various other losses last year ( three beloved pets ) and yet she still gives and gives without hesitation . She is truly my hero . ellen schull My daughter Carissa she is in the hospital . She had a baby on Wednesday and has high blood pressure and is getting sick from the medication . The baby has low blood sugar and has been put on IV 's . They deserve a good Mother 's Day this year .
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Happy Mother 's Day to all you kind mamas ! In honor of the upcoming day , Fair Trade USA is giving away some amazing Fair & Organic items to 2 lucky ladies ! I 'm excited to support Fair Trade items because when you buy an item marked with it 's label , you know that the farmers or workers who produced it are paid fair wages , earn healthcare benefits , receive education , earn development funds to improve their communities , and practice sustainably . The Fair Trade Certification covers a wide range of items - from coffee to wine and flowers to moisturizer . By purchasing items with this label , you are truly making a difference with your dollar ! Well in addition to all of that goodness , Fair Trade also does a lot to empower and support women . Under Fair Trade standards , women are given equal representation on worker 's committees , maternity leave , childcare assistance and even microloans to start their own businesses . So when you give Fair Trade gifts for Mother 's Day , you 're doing more than making your own mom smile . Visit BeFair . org to learn how it all works and sign a virtual card for Fair Trade moms . One Dozen Whole Trade Roses : Did you know that just about all of the roses sold in the United States are imported from South America ? Well these gorgeous Whole Trade roses ensure that the women who work on flower farms in Ecuador are paid fairly , work in safe conditions , and are given a voice in the workplace . And for every dozen sold , they earn a premium to invest in improving their communities and their lives . My mom deserves to win this ! She has always been there for my brother and I through everything ; emotionally , mentally , and monetarily . She works so hard to keep my step dad healthy and happy , and she provides a wonderful home for him . She had recently been making the switch to a fully compassionate lifestyle that will keep her , my step dad , and the world 's animal safe and healthy . I am very proud of her ! ! She is the most amazing mother and I don 't know what I would do without her ! My mom deserves to win this for so many reasons ! She raised five kids and always put us before herself . Now that we 're all grown up and leaving the house she finally has some time for herself , yet she continues to support us by planning wedding after wedding , baby showers and more ! She never hesitates to jump on a plane to come visit her military kids who are far across the country when we need her . Help me make her day this year ! ! Also she 's been super supportive of my new plant based diet endeavor with no judgement ! ! Brandi Young My mom deserves this great prize for a whole bunch of reasons . She 's a wonderful mom , always there to support me ( and now my family ) . She 's a lot of fun - she 's gone to a theme park with us . She 's just a great lady and I 'd love to spoil her ! My sister in law Sarah Brown because her first almost 2 years as a military wife have not gone great for her . Her husband deployed 2 months after they married and she was pregnant with their first child while he was gone . Now her little boy is going to be without a father in just a weeks time because he is being stationed in Korea without them and it 's just before the little guys first birthday . When they were moving to a new place her husband broke his ankle and she had to do everything herself . She is a strong , determined woman and she so deserves to be pampered ! I would love to win these amazing gifts for my beautiful mother . Her kindness and positivity shine through in everything she does . She 's the most creative , motivated and hard working person I know . My mother in law . She takes care our son while my husband and I work . Sometimes she will even keep him overnight . When we are sick , she will cook a comfort meal and bring it over . She is an amazing women and I am thankful for that . My mom deserves to be pampered this year . She has spent the last year trying to help my 74 year old aunt , her sister . My aunt is no longer driving , by choice . So my mom drives her to the supermarket , the hair salon , her numerous doctors appointments , etc every single week . She is with her just about every day . Which is nice company for my mom , because she lost my dad who was 54 years old , to a 10 year battle with colon cancer in 2009 and both my sister and I live in other states . She has also been trying to help my aunt and herself get healthier . My aunt has a problem creating platelets . Her doctors have tried various things for almost a year now and nothing they have done has worked . My aunt for 72 years of her life prided herself in never eating a vegetable other than a white potato . So now my mother makes her a vegetable and fruit smoothie every single morning to try to help increase her platelets . Now that my aunt is in the hospital due to a suddenly problem , my mom still drives an hour there and an hour back each day to go and see her . She is very determined and always thinking of others before herself . On top of the smoothies , a few years ago my mom finally has adopted a plant based lifestyle . Something her vegan daughters have been trying to get her to do for 2 decades . She works heavily with her local church . That church has about 10 members on a good day and 99 % of them are elderly . They run huge rummage and bake sales every month to try to stay afloat . Huge . I really dont know how they do it , because they never have the same item twice . They pick up the donations , load them onto my father 's old truck , clean them , set them up , haul everything up and down stairs . Its like their own little community center to chat and spend time with each other , and the church has been in most of their families for a 100 years . On top of all this , she owns properties that she has to maintain for her tenants . My dad 's business , that she should let go of , because its a lot of work for someone who isnt handy or doesnt havEven after 30 years my mom still makes sure she spends my birthday with me . Even after I moved across the country . My mom deserves to be pampered . She raised five children and the last one just headed off to college this year . She never once put herself first , and never once did I ever see her pamper herself or even buy anything for herself . She could use a little pampering this Mother 's Day . My mom is great ! She is single at 49 through no fault of her own . She is strong and has gotten through a lot in life on her own . She inspires me . She is always there for me to cry to or laugh with . She is my best friend . And a wonderful grandma to my daughter ! I love my momma ! ! kate m it would be so fun if my mom won this prize . I am a very much grown yet she still always gets me little thoughtful gifts and sends me cute little emails with clip art she finds on the internet . Im also really proud of her because she also has finally started listening to me and has adopted a healthy eating style over the years and really has fun doing so - sharing her creative ideas for recipes with me and her successes and failures . Happy mothers day to all the mothers ! PS - I didn 't know that about the flowers … very interesting My mom absolutely deserves to be pampered ! She has gone out of her way to make sure everyone is taken care of and she will tell you like it is . She has also been my sounding board for everything in my life . She loves my kids more then anything and makes a point to be with them even if for only a day ( she doesn 't even live in the same state as us ) . I feel like she needs to be able to take a moment for herself and to sit back relax and enjoy that moment . She 's the best and I love her so much ! I nominate my friend Dominica . She had her second son naturally several weeks ago as an unplanned home birth when he came faster than expected and they couldn 't make it to the birthing center on time . She is a strong and beautiful vegan mother of two beautiful boys and I know this gift would be fully appreciated . < 3 My mom absolutely deserves to be pampered ! She has gone out of her way to make sure everyone is taken care of and she will tell you like it is . She has also been my sounding board for everything in my life . She loves my kids more then anything and makes a point to be with them even if for only a day ( she doesn 't even live in the same state as us ) . I feel like she needs to be able to take a moment for herself and to sit back relax and enjoy that moment . She 's the best and I love her so much ! My mom , Linda , is beyond special . She has raised five wonderful children of her own and cared for hundreds of children that needed someone to love on them . My mother has been an example of kindness and generosity with her mission work in countries all around the world , including Jamaica , Aruba , Guatemala , and Nicaraqua . I am so proud to be her baby girl and I believe she deserves all the happiness and pampering this world can offer ! Leigh Colby In the hospital with my newborn twin daughters , I had so many questions . My mind was racing between feedings , diaper changes , and sleep deprivation . Many times she would simplify the situation by saying , " If it isn 't broke , don 't fix it . " Years later I apply this simple saying to many aspects of my life . Especially when I am just not sure what to do . It seem that majority of the time over thinking is the culprit for any situation . this is my mothers last mothers day she has stage4 kidney failuremrsa , and more illnesses she never gets out of her gowns , robes , and always covered up . its funny this fair trade . we lived in lima peru in the 70s . you had to have cooks , gardeners , nannys , housekeepers , etc . we were told they only wre to receive 30 a month . mom upset the people we asscosiated with because theyre maids etc . found out we paid ours 100 . . 00 a month . paid their medical , gave them clothes etc . shes been that way all her life with others . shes done so much for others and now everyone has deserted her . Everyone who meets my mom falls in love with her . She is one of the most compassionate , patient and positive person you will ever meet . When I was 2 and my sister was 1 she suddenly became a single mother and was up for the challenge . From then on she didn 't date and just focused her energy on us . Even when she was working 3 jobs at once she always woke up extra early to make gourmet meals for us to heat up for lunch and dinner through out the day . and when she came home from a 16 hour shift she was always excited to see us and never once did I hear her complain . I wish I had appreciated it more back then as I do now . She doesn 't like asking for help , but she lives to care for others . She 's been a caretaker for the elderly , people with disabilities and newborns . We currently all share 1 small room together but she still makes room to decorate the walls with flowers so I think she 'd love the roses . Sometimes I feel like I don 't deserve her but I will spend the rest of my life trying , because thats what she deserves . I would love for my mom to win this ! She has been so wonderful the past few weeks by helping me out with my newborn baby ! She gave up much of her time to help me cook , grocery shop , do laundry , and care for the baby . I am so thankful that she would serve me in this way ! My mom certainly deserves to be pampered after learning that my dad , her husband , has metastic melanoma just months ago . She never flinched , only went straight to work caring for him and ensuring he had only the best care . She is a Super Woman ! My mom is the single greatest person on the planet . I love her to pieces . She is strong , funny , and best of all loving . Thank you for the wonderful giveaway . My mom deserves to win this . We talk on the phone every day , and she sends a card for every occasion . She enjoys having my family over to visit , and she is great with my kids . She will sit and let me daughter play " school " with her for hours . kellywcu8888ATgmailDOTcom My mom works so hard Daily to take care of our family and never takes time to herself . She is so loving energetic full of life . She is always concerned about everyone else . I love for her to be lucky and be pampered by you guys . Thank you My mom is such un unselfish , giving , compassionate person who give wholeheartedly without ever expecting anything in return . She loves unconditionally and always has the right answer . Being a new mom I look up to her and listen to all of her knowledge . My kids and husband love her just as much . I almost lost her in a serious motorcycle accident 7 years ago and I 'll never forget that as the worst day of my life . I don 't know what I would do with out her here on earth . I love her too much and can never give her enough to thank her for who she is and what she does for me and the whole family . She deserves the world . My mom deserves to win because she has spent her year trying to get my father to adopt healthier ways after a cancer and Parkinson 's diagnosis . She does not ever give up … She got him to eat more organics , to switch from diet pepsi to vitamin water … . She has figured out ways to help him walk … putting down poles for him to step over so his walking continues . . She is the strongest woman I know and she teaches me more every day how to be stronger . I am often called Supermom by friends . . I have stepdaughter , a child with autism and allergies and an infant … but I would never be half the mom i am without her example and love . She deserves this more than anyone I know . I love this post ! It feels like I 'm never looking in the right places for fair trade items , and there just isn 't enough around . I 'd love for my mom to win this giveaway because she 's a dedicated daughter , sister , mom , aunt , grandma - auntie ( she 's like a mom to my cousins and grandma to their kids ) , and grandma who is always looking after everyone in her life , but rarely gets a moment for herself . She could use some pampering and appreciation . Thank you for sharing this beautiful giveaway ! My stepmother is 1 of my heroes . She did not give birth to me , but she welcomed me when my biological mother neglected me . I 'll never be able to show my " mom " how much I appreciate her selfless act of nurturing someone else 's child . Alicia , I know a Mom that so deserves to be pampered . We both have children with epilepsy but her baby girl is so sick right now . She caught a cold from her Mom and it caused her to get so sick . Her right lung collapsed and she has been needing oxygen for days . She is in the hospital in Denver but thankfully she is starting to feel a little better today . Her Mom was alone with her for the first 2 days , which were the worst , because her Dad was in Atlanta . They have had to live apart for a year because they needed to get their daughter Haleigh the medicine she needed to save her life . They are going to be together again in Atlanta as soon as their daughter is well enough to go home . This Mom has been through so much this year and this week . She deserves to be pampered more than anyone I have ever known . Please give this sweet and loving Mom a well needed break ! Thank you so much ! Happy Mother 's Day to you ! Me and my mom deserve it ! Especially my mother . She 's an super hero and a kick a * * mother ! She helped me become the awesome mother I am today ! We would love this opportunity . Thanks for the chance . Rebecca B My Mother is very deserving ! She always takes care of everyone else and puts herself last . She recently started putting her health as a priority in her life and I am so proud of her that she is getting healthy ! ! So it would be nice to have a little pampering for her ! Thanks for the opportunity for these giveaways . You rock ! C . Blake Thanks for sharing this Alicia ! I have lot 's of mom 's in my life that would like this . My birth mother is no longer with us but I have sisters and friends . I hope this gift goes to a very deserving mom . I like to buy fair trade when I can find it . I usually see the label on tea and coffee . Anyway , a little lyric for Bear 's Birthday … . Oh my goodness , I believe my mother deserves this because she is constantly giving towards others . Not only does she care for my daughter , her husband and myself , but she is always running around for her 102 year old mother and never takes time for herself . I have tried to offer a simple pedicure on numerous occasions , and she won 't do it ! This would be the perfect opportunity to extend a moment of wellness and happiness to a woman who is always sacrificing her time and never takes a minute to honor herself . I love buying Fair Trade ! Thanks for tipping us off to some cool new items . My mom deserves to win ! She helped me through grad school the last four years and helped me with an overwhelming move last month . She 'd really like the coffee , robe , and shea butter ! Thanks , Alicia ! I nominate my sister Kristi Montague . She just went through a ( surprise ) rough pregnancy while caring for a toddler and working full time on a book and video project that spreads so much joy into the world ! My niece is now 7 weeks old , and so sweet & beautiful ! ! I am currently 39 weeks pregnant with my first baby so this will be my first Mother 's Day ! My sister and I love supporting fair trade businesses , and these products sound wonderful ! Happy Mother 's Day Alicia ! ! ! Lisa - Marie My mom deserves some pampering with the fair trade gifts . She is 83 years old and has spent all her life caring for her family . After my brothers and I were on our own she watched both my daughters for me everyday from 8 weeks old through elementary school so that I could work to support them . My dad passed suddenly 4 years ago and my mom moved in to live with me . I am finally able to return her kindness by caring for her ( although much of the time it seems she is still caring for me ! ) She is a blessing . My beautiful daughters Michelle ! She will give birth to her 5th ! Child at the end of this month ! ! She homeschools her other 4 . They are the most loved . . sweet . . kind ! Kids you have ever met ! She parents with such love , grace and kindness ! Now with number 5 new babe she is gonna be an even more buzy mama ! ! She could definitely use some pampering ! ! ! ! BC My mom deserves pampering for life ! She was a military wife , moved around raising 2 young children , often by herself . We had moved to 8 different states by the time I was 8 . My dad loves us , but she very much did a lot on her own due to his career . They separated when my brother and I were in our early teens , and she dealt with some pretty difficult teen years mostly alone again ( sorry , Mom ! ) She has been a constant inspiration . She faces a lot of difficulties , she now lives on the other side of the country as her siblings and mother as this is where my dad 's job last moved us and she wants to stay by my brother and I , plus selling the house and moving is really hard . She has medical problems ranging from psoriasis , to a degenerative bone disorder , to a titanium hip , to a recently broken elbow , and she perseveres and doesn 't let anything stop her . She can 't work due to her injuries , but the state doesn 't recognize her as disabled , so things can get pretty tough , but she makes it work . She 's just recently started dating after over 10 years of being single , and I know she 's scared , but she 's doing it and I 'm SO proud of her for it . For everything she 's been through , my mother deserves to be pampered and spoiled . She has finally reached a place where she realizes how amazing she is and can finally accept that other people see that too . My mamma deserves this ! She is one of the most caring & funniest people I know . She never pampers herself . We live very far from each other so we don 't get see each other much . I would love to be able to send some extra love her way ! Not to mention May 8th is my Birthday & I absolutely adore everything in this package . I would love to indulge in a little pampering myself ! I cannot say enough about how much my mom deserves to be pampered , she 's my best friend and my rock . She 's helped me raise my children after my fiance died suddenly and for a while my kids list me too , she was there for all of the middle of the night panic attacks , she pulled me up when I was at my lowest . She also works so hard at a high stress job , I worry about her health , she never does much for herself , she 's always thinking of others . Plus , she has a wicked sense of humor and can always make me laugh , sometimes laughter truly can be the best medicine . This is an amazing chance , thank you so much and Happy Mothers Day to you and all of the other moms out there . Michelle K . These are such amazing items with equally amazing backstories of production . My best friend 's mom , Marilyn , who is a wonderful , supportive , beautiful , kind , super hard - working woman had a huge role in raising me . While she is not my birth mother , she has so generously given so much of herself to me . Growing up , she was a single mom to 3 children , and still had enough heart , love and time to offer to me . I 'll never forget as a kid walking into her home , not having had dinner , and she took spaghetti right off of her plate and gave it to me so that I would feel part of her family and their meal . She didn 't have a lot to share , but shared pretty much everything she had . She also exposed me to worlds like volunteering and helping others who had even less than I did . She taught me not to be afraid of people who were different . My son and I visited Marilyn yesterday and gave her a pot filled with 2 seeds and soil which will hopefully bloom and grow . I would give any 1 of these gifts to Marilyn . She always finds a way to give to others and I would love to be able to do something extra special for her ! My daughter 's teacher , Mrs . Devich , deserves this lovely gift . She teaches 36 amazing but rowdy fifth graders . She is fair , kind but firm with laying down the law . She has a hubby and three lovely children . I just can 't imagine how she juggles school kids , school kids parents , and her own fabulous family while grocery shopping , attending games , kissing ochies and all the mom things we do . She is amazing ! I have a hippie vegan mom who gives everything she has to others . I would love to give back ! Especially with this gorgeous gift - it 's something she could really appreciate . My mom so deserves to win because she 's always putting us kids first . In the last several years she 's taken my sister and her two children in to get her away from an abusive husband . She tirelessly has cared for them and loved on them , helping them get back on their feet . It would be so incredible for her to win such an amazing gift ! Thank you for the opportunity Alicia ! My friend 's mother , Roseanne , deserves the world . She lost both her daughters from a disease called Thalassemia Major . This is how I met her , I have Thalassemia Major also . She was the best mother anyone who could ever ask for to her daughters . I lost contact with Roseanne for many years ( Lisa died in 1980 , and Denise died in 1986 ) . We met at a funeral for another friend with Thal Major in 2004 . I was never happier to see anyone in my life - just to see her , brought back my child and young adulthood . Since then , she 's seen me through a battle with Non Hodgkins Lymphoma , and we have become so close ( my mom died when I was 21 , in 1983 ) , and I would love for her to have something very special for Mother 's Day . Once you are a mother , you never cease being a mother , she carries her children in her heart xo This is so awesome ! I would love to be able to give this gift to my mom - she 's the most generous and loving person I 've ever known , and I grow closer to her every day ! ! ! Happy mother 's day to all - xoxoxo I 'm a mom who has things pretty easy . I don 't feel like I need to be pampered . But when I saw this post I immediately thought of a friend of mine ( we 'll call her T ) who has been going through a difficult time . For about 17 years she has been the primary care - taker of her sister 's child ; she 's as much a mom as anyone I know . T has been planning a trip to Scotland for over a year and is supposed to leave in a little over a week . T 's mother recently had a fall in the bath tub and T had to call 911 to help get her mother out . T 's mom has been in the hospital and it turns out she had a really bad infection that traveled to her spine . She was in surgery for the better part of yesterday . She 'll be in the hospital on antibiotics for at least a month and will then need to be moved to a rehab facility . T 's adopted daughter is about to graduate high school and recently got into a fender bender , so add " one car down " to their latest troubles . She missed her senior picture today because of the issues going on with her grandmother . T is missing work trying to keep things together and is trying to find someone to take her place at the very last minute for the Scotland trip . ( I would do it but the money is a lot to come up with in such a short amount of time . ) I first met T on a study abroad trip very soon after her father died . She almost didn 't go on that trip , and I know that the latest life obstacles have probably been bringing all of that up again for her . Those are the highlights of the troubles that have hit this family , one of the most close - knit , deserving - of - a - break families I know . My mother - in - law needs to be pampered ! She takes care of so many people and always puts others first . I would love for her to win this gift ! I was blessed with a wonderful step - mom who has been in my life for over 40 years . She was always there for me and made my favorite foods from scratch when I came for my bi - weekly visits . She is a pillar in our family as everyone depends on her wisdom and strength . I so appreciate her for taking care of my father the last few years of his life as the strong man became so week and fragile from Parkinson disease . My mom took care of him to the day he left us 2 years ago this month . I know it is hard for her to be alone as she wants to stay in her home in their retirement community that they have lived in for 15 years . I think my mom would appreciate a special gift of fair trade coffee and pampering gifts . My mom just moved across the country to help me with child care after spending the past 3 years taking care of my grandmother who was dying of cancer . She is the best grandmother to my little guy & has been the best mom in the world to me . Even though she was a single mom from the time I was two , scraping by each month , whose entire family was in another country , she always found ways to make me feel like I was the luckiest kid in the world . And I am , because I 've always had her unconditional support & love . She helped me through school anxiety as a child , went veg with me when I decided to stop eating animals at age 12 , and worked 3 jobs to put me through college . Her advice to me as an adult has always come from empathy and openness . This is a woman who would ( and does ) give anything for those she loves without complaint . She has so readily been there to help her daughter & her mother that she forgets to prioritize her own needs . I wish I had the means to pamper my mom now in the way she deserves , I am going to try to take a page from her book and get creative this mothers day . I better get busy ! my mom deserves it because she puts other people 's needs before herself . she is kind , caring , intelligent , and extremely funny . i know i would be lost without her . she works too hard and doesn 't get paid enough . well we both do . AnnaZed My Mother - in - Law , Patty ; what a dear she is ( nothing at ALL like the bad mother - in - laws of stage and screen ) . She works ( still ! she will finally retire in July ) , she takes care of her husband who though only 70 has been recently injured and is on a long recovery time - line and she takes care of my husband 's oafish brothers who ( in their 40s ) live with Mom and Dad . Oh , and she has 5 rescue dogs ! And she 's my pal . My mom has been striving to lose weight for the last year or so and has done an awesome job of it ! She has lost about 30 - 40 lbs . She looks and feels so much better and she just wants to keep going . I am so proud of her . And it 's not a diet , it 's a lifestyle change . She did so well that my dad even joined her . She is literally reshaping the health of her family ! My dad was considering a bypass surgery , but now that he has been on this new eating plan , he has already lost about 40 lbs and he has a new hope that he won 't need surgery ! ! ! As for myself , this is going to be my very first mother 's day . I am 14 weeks pregnant ! My hubby and I are so excited ! My Mama has had a series of health issues ( including spinal surgery ) over the years that have kept her in an endless cycle of debt . Unable to work , unable to get ahead . But that doesn 't stop her from helping anyone in need who crosses her path . She lives a life of compassion and I am proud to call her my best friend . She is an amazing human being and deserves to be pampered on Mother 's Day , and everyday . While I do everything within my means to help , she lives on the other side of the country . I would love to be able to send her this beautiful gift package to remind her just how special she is to me and everyone she encounters . Thanks , Alicia - you 're so thoughtful ! ! < 3 My mother deserves to be pampered this year for moms day because she had a stroke 2 years ago and had to quit working and all of her outside daily activists . She used to be a seamstress and used to knit all of our slippers and crocheted our blankets . Now all she can do is sit and play games on our computer . She has lost her smile and this would sure cheer her up . Thank you for this giveaway . My mother in law . She is truly an amazing person and does so much for her family . She flew to NY to watch our daughter so my husband and I can get away for the weekend . Plus , she is writing her 3rd book ! I 'm texting from my mother 's hospital room . She is leaving AMA as she 's a terrible patient who doesn 't like to be fussed over and it causes her a lot of stress . She 's getting crotchety and taciturn in her old age , but funny too ( think Shirley MacLaines character in Steel Magnolias ) . Anyhow , she doesn 't think she 'll be around much longer nor does she want to be . She does give to charity and she loves her family and friends . My mother has had a rough year . Since last Mother 's Day she will have endured life - changing situations which will make this Mother 's Day become a reminder of what she once had . Last June she lost her job of 30 years and unfortunately couldn 't keep her home due to financial constraint . She had to be out of her house the day before Halloween , everything was packed and put into storage . My mother 65 and homeless to bounce around from one family member to another until she could get back on her feet was heartbreaking . Unfortunately she took a terrible fall that same night ; fracturing her arm and leg . She was laid up at her sisters to heal for a couple weeks until I was to pick her up to come stay with my husband and I for a compassionate Thanksgiving . She started developing breathing issues when she came to stay . It was the day before Thanksgiving and I had to rush her to the ER . My mom was in the hospital due to a pulmonary embolism and she ended up being admitted . She was in the hospital for five days and ended up back in the ER two days later , but was discharged that same day . Long story short she 's much better than before , on blood thinners and pain management . The clot was caused by the fracture in her leg from falling the night of Oct 30 at her sisters . She has been currently staying at my brothers due to doctor appointments in her hometown and also having to see specialist and physical therapists because her arm fractures froze during the healing process ; causing her bones to lock in her hand and shoulder . There 's been lots of dark days for my mom this past year , she deserves this pampered gift ! Not only has she lost her job , dignity , pride , privacy and mobility but she has lost everything she ever worked for and at this age of her life it 's not easy to bounce back . I 'm manifesting that it can only get better from here . My co - worker Laurie deserves this . She 's a substitute teacher ( one of the toughest jobs there is ! ) and a part time library clerk . She 's had a rough few months personally and could use a pick me up . She 's a loving , caring mother who puts everyone else 's needs ahead of her own . She 's been a great cheerleader to me and is the first to jump in and help me out if I need it . No questions asked . You couldn 't ask for a truer friend . Her children will never know how lucky they are to have her . Thanks for considering . My mom deserves to win this pampering Mother 's Day gift because she has set the best example for my sister and me on how to strive for success and live a happy and healthy life . She dedicates her life to her children and family and not only acts as our loving mother but we joke that she acts as our secretary and personal assistant as well . She is always there for us when we need it and is the true example of how hard work can pay off . She recently changed her lifestyle to set a better example for my sister and I by going organic and losing over 50 lbs . She bettered her life for herself and so that she could be there for myself and my sister for as long as possible . I don 't know who could be a better role model and who would deserve this more than her ! Leslie Du Fresne My mom would say that she 's not doing anything special , but I know the truth ! She 's always there and I 'd love to see her extra pampered this year . Love you mom ! My mom lead me to the path of healing with nature . Homeopathy and now essential oils are in my medicine cabinet for me and my family . I 'm so blessed to be here ! Blessings one drop at a time ! My sister definitely deserves these fair trade gifts . She is an amazing mom , wife , sister and daughter . She puts everyone first and often gives up her plans to accommodate everyone else . She is always ready to lend a hand and open her home to everyone . She is also an amazing teacher ( currently subbing until a full time position is available ) . She was with our mother when she died and has always been there for everyone in the family . Everyone loves her ! How do I choose one ? I 'll have to go with my friend and mama - inspiration , Hilary . She is a mom of two boys and single - parents many months out of the year , as her husband works out of the country . She runs a school and serves on numerous education boards . She , like all moms , do full - time everything ! When I am tempted to break down over something , I think of her . If Hilary can do it , I tell myself , then I sure as hell can ! ! My best friend Hope is the best mom I know ! After going through a series of fertility treatments , finally getting pregnant , and then loosing one of her twins , she has always stayed strong for her son and has loved him unconditionally . She is planning on going through IVF again soon , but just found out her job is moving and she may be laid off this October , so IVF may have to be put on hold . She could definitely use some pampering ! I 'm due with my first baby this August ( huge thanks to The Kind Momma Book for being such a great resource ) , and I hope I can be at least half the Momma she is ! ! ! ! My Mom deserves to be pampered this year and every year because she is so Amazing ! She had 5 kids , worked as a seamstress at home to make extra money for our birthdays and Christmas etc … ! She is so loving , supportive and always there for us through the good and the bad times ! She would do anything for her family and friends ! She has the early stages of Alzheimer 's now , and moving down here to Florida in June and I am going to take of her just the way she did us ! I am so blessed to have her as my Mom ! ❤️ She gave me away on my wedding day since Dad was already in heaven . Happy Mother 's Day to all the Moms at Nourish Organic and Fair Trade ! Anna Pry I 'm hoping to win this for my mother - in - law . She 's put everything into giving to her family . I 'm so blessed to have her in my life , and so are my children . They adore her ! My mother was a single mom most of my life . She raised myself and my 3 other siblings pretty much alone . I know we weren 't the best kids , but she always gave us her best . Now she works everyday trying to reunite families who are struggling through abuse , addiction , homelessness and other horrible things and never takes the time to care for herself . She deserves this and I only wish I could give her more . Wendy My mother deserves to be pampered this year . She was just diagnosed with Congestive heart disease and did not know that she even had it for 4 months and had to be hospitalized . She had to quit working due to extreme fatique and being out of breath . She sends money to help a local pet charity give food to people to keep their pets with them even though she does not have money to buy her medication and daily living . Thanks Wendy My mom deserves to be pampered ! She is visiting us here , coming from abroad just for 2 weeks to help me with 2 little kids , and she leaves the next day after Mother 's Day and it 's not even celebrated in her country ! ! I think all mothers should be celebrated but as my mom is my personal heroine , I would like to dedicate this day to her . Thank u for such a thoughtful and luxurious arrangement of this gift ! < 3 My mom deserves to be pampered ! Not only is she a wonderful Pre - K teacher she also has been caring for her mother who requires a lot of attention . She 's a wonderful grandmother to my kids and is always there when I need her . Sami Collins I would have to say my mom . She would absolutely love the Fair Trade Mother 's Day surprise . She raised six children without help or child support . There were times we struggled , but she never let on there was a problem . She got us through the years we were " just existing " ( her words ) and somehow we all turned out fine . I think supporting fair trade products is a wonderful way to support women worldwide and give them the chance and opportunity they otherwise would not have . Happy ( coming up ) Mother 's Day to everyone too ! I believe my mom is the most deserving one I know . She has been through a lot in her life . Two years ago , she gave up almost everything she knew and moved from the only city she has ever lived in to start a new life in another state to be closer to us . Her motivation for such a bold move was the news of me becoming a mother . It has not been a smooth transition for her . She has been in and out of finding a decent job , she 's been learning how to get around in a new town without a car , struggling to keep a roof over her head and food to eat . She also recently decided to start school after only having a high school diploma for almost 3 decades . Even with all this difficulty she is still so happy she made the move . She has never been this independent before . I am incredibly proud of her . I wish I could do so much for her , but we are struggling ourselves . My Mom needs to believe in magic again . Winning this package would restore her faith and allow her to feel the warm embrace of the universe again . It would be a gift that kept on giving through a Mother like her , for she always gives more than she receives in kindness and goodness . Daina Leimanis My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer ( after a life as a non - smoker ) about 9 months ago . She had been following a mostly vegan diet for about a year prior to being diagnosed . After her diagnosis , she embarked bravely on a macrobiotic lifestyle and also with conventional medical treatment with a targeted drug against the mutation that her cancer cells had . An early mother 's day present for my mom this year was discovering that her cancer has become resistant to the drug and metastasized again . Despite this , she feels well , continues to work , and generally is the rock and foundation for our family even over great distances . While no material goods can truly counter the disappointment and dread of a spreading cancer , I 'd love to be able to pamper her this year to distract her from this terrible disease . I am so thankful for my mother for many reasons . As my brothers and I get older , we luckily have the chance to see each other almost every day . They are my best friends , truly . They represent everything I would want in a friend and sibling , with so many admirable qualities . I 'm in awe . And then I look to my mom and realize she has created 3 beautiful children and raised them mostly on her own . We owe everything to her and I would love to celebrate her goodness with this sweet Eco mama gift ! The mother of one of my close friend 's deserves a treat . I 've referred to her for years as my " second mother " because she has always been there for me since I was a teenager . She takes care of her eldest daughter AND her elderly mother who has suffered from multiple strokes and health issues , all on her own , while holding down a full - time job and having the sole income in her household ! She is a Wonder Woman , and even though things can be very stressful around her at times she is and has always been so full of love . She never gets a chance to look after herself because she is always putting everyone else first . I would love for her to get pampered this Mother 's Day ! What can we say about mother 's ? My mom tried so hard to work and be there for me and my siblings . She wasn 't perfect but I love her laugh , her sillyness , her endless cooking and tender care . She is a retired nurse and I feel I take after her nurturing qualities . For all the years of love she gave and continues to give , I am grateful . I think it has shaped the mom that I have become . Mom - such a beautiful word . My good friend , Karen deserves this . She 's the only friend I have that also parents more eco - friendly and natural . She has a two month old baby boy and often takes care of him by herself because her husband is in the military . She 's a fantastic mother and a dear friend and this would be amazing ! ! ! My mom deserves to be pampered this year and every year . She is kind , generous , incredibly caring and always has so much love to give . My father has had severe health problems for many years and my mom is supportive and has pushed for him to receive the best care available . She never waivers from her intentions . She was in car accident several months ago in which her clavicle was broken along with other injuries . She never lost her smile and even though it was a setback , she is coming back stronger than ever . She always has as much time as I need to listen and gently offer advise . She is my fan and I have always known that I am loved and my children know how much they are loved . I am so blessed that my mom is also my best friend . My best friend , Sarah , deserves to be treated to this great gift this year ! She is a 3rd grade teacher who is very dedicated to the children that she works with . She is also a stellar mother to a son who is 6 years old with Autism . Life is challenging since her husband works 12 hours days and often stays overnight at jobs , but she keeps persevering ! Sarah has been a great friend to me for almost 20 years and I would love to see her win ! ! i know everyones mom is the greatest , where would any of us be if it wasn 't for mom . moms are special ! they comfort us when we are sad , they wipe our tears when we cry , they are our biggest supporters in everything we do . they 're there for us when we need advice and they 're there for us when we need a hug . where would any of us be without our moms . we love you and cherish all you do for us each and every day of our lives . happy mothers YEAR ! I 'd give the gifts to my Mom ! We 're incredibly lucky to have a close bond . Its my first year of college and of course , that comes with new challenges . I don 't see her as much as I 'd like . I actually won 't even be in town for mothers day due to Finals . I was feeling so sad by that and she just looked at me and said " Spending any day with you is Mother 's Day " . She 's so selfless , caring and supportive . I would love to give her such a luxurious and eco - friendly gift ! My mother is more than just a mom . . She is a special needs grandmother . . My son is a non - verbal boy and he is so attached to his grandma . . The love she gives his boy and their relationship is something so pure that could not be matched . . No words are needed to see the love between the two of them , which is priceless . . She is a mother that has lost a daughter . . Which is somthing no mother should ever endure . . She lost her job shortly thereafter and had to have surgery . . By keeping her faith and her smile she made it through the difficult times to shine through . . A true fighter and warrior but always smiling through it all . . HS kraftmaking My mother deserves a special treat just as any other , with her countless acts of selflessness and unbeatable kind heart but I know of a mother who lost her son last year and would give anything to have him back . She is a kind and wonderful person in which my heart breaks at the thought of losing my child at a young age due to addiction , in which she endlessly tried to end . I feel she is most deserving of a kind gift and a reminder of the wonderful person and mother she was , is and continues to be . My mother is going through many hardships and despite it all continues to still be there as my mom . She is still my best friend providing love , support , laughter , advice after 29 years of raising a daughter who is almost the complete opposite of her . But rather than brag about how proud she makes me for being strong and giving to others , I have actually been more concerned with what 's happening deep inside with her heart and mind . It saddens and worries me my mother is hiding lonliness , depression , anxiety , fear , shame , and anger . How could one not be facing a personal mental health battle everyday when one of your daughters is a serious drug addict , your father is homophobic and your a gay woman , your partner lives with bipolar disorder , your raising your 6 year old nephew after already raising three grown children , your brother died unexpextantly last year , your sister was just diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer , your youngest daughter is the first one pregnant with a new boyfriend , you struggle everyday with weight issues . There is probably more but just writing these out has made me tired and sad . So for mother 's day , I truly wish more than anything for my mom to enjoy a needed break , even if just temporary and let herself work on healing herself this time around . My wish for my mom on mother 's day is the same wish I have everyday , is to make sure despite all the smiles on top , there is strength and smiles on the inside too . It 's important to me to not only have a mother who takes care of me , but one who takes great care of herself as well . MamaBritt My mother - in - law deserves to win these lovely gifts . She is a retired teacher who taught for over 30 years . She is so giving and so generous and she has done so much for our family . She works hard everyday as a caretaker to my father - in - law who is suffering from Parkinson 's Disease . She deserves some pampering and relaxation this Mother 's Day ! My mom deserves to be pampered this year , every year and every day . She always worked so hard to make the best life for us … she made the most of everything , supported me , survived my teen years and more seriously , survived breast cancer . She continues to be mom and friend to me and my partner . There 's no mom in this world I 'd rather have … she was my perfect match . My mom is a true Earth Angel who helps people constantly . It seems that , at times , people are put in her path who have no one else to turn to . My mother is strong , generous , compassionate and has empathy for everyone . She 's a survivor , and she helps everyone around her survive . I have so much love and gratitude for the woman who raised me and gave me so much , yet does very little to pamper herself . She really does deserve a special gift from the Universe . < 3 My mother has been supportive of me , with tough love sometimes … through all my years . Even when I did not hear it or resented it . She 's been a rock . The best kind . She retired this year and has been working hard to build her retirement life . She deserves some pampering . Kristen My mom deserves to have a bit of a break . She raised five kids , homeschooled us , and raised most of our food . Now that we 're grown up she 's started working at the farmers market ! Everyone has so many wonderful mums ! My mother is amazing . The most upbeat adorable person . She has had 6 kids and still raising 3 young ones on her own . And an amazing teacher . Her specialty is working with mentally handicapped children . 2 years ago she was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer . Unfortunately she is unable to get breast implants since her body rejected them . I have to keep telling her that her hair will grow longer and that she looks so cute with her pixie length hair . Now she looks like an asian doll . She is my source of light when ever I 'm feeling lonely abroad . Due to this illness , she 's having to work less hours now at the school which is really hurting her financially . I see my family only a few times a year since I am studying medicine abroad ( much cheaper this way ) Since her diagnosis she 's taken up the habit of eating all organic . YAY ! This makes me so happy since breast cancer is on the rise and is triggered by many pollutants we intake in our ever expanding industrial environment . This has much to do with epigenetics , a field I am very interested in . Even though she laughs off the pain , I often see this hopelessness in her eyes . I feel helpless . Why do big corporations like Monsanto have to hijack our health for the purpose of wealth . I want to see her happy , really happy . My grandfather died last year and I think she is doesn 't want my sisters to end up alone . This worries me as well . I think she deserves this not for the pain she has suffered but for being my rock when my dad left . For reading me Shakespeare when I was little and letting me watch Princess bride over and over : ) For pushing me to not giving up in school . I didn 't grow up in the best area but she showed me it 's not where you come from but where you are going , what you do . That success is not in getting money but being in the process of acquiring your goals whatever they may be ! Hi Alicia ! Love your enthusiasm with the Mother 's Day giveaways . I am not writing about my Mom , although I do love her , but I am writing about my daughter . My daughter 's name is Jenna and she is a new Mom this Mother 's Day . Her son Landon will be 9 months old this month . They live about 4 hours away from me . I recently had a discussion with her explaining that although I love my Grandson to death , I wanted her to realize why I was not over bearing with her decisions on being a Mom to him . I realized when he was born that my job as a mom was to let her be one too . When I had my children ( she is my baby ) I received so many unsolicited comments about how I should do things , what I was doing wrong , etc . I was overwhelmed with being a new and young mom , that I didn 't enjoy my own decisions ! I didn 't want to burden her with those same feelings - so I let her do whatever she needs to with the space to make her decisions , whether or not I feel they are right or wrong . She actually doesn 't need my advice , she is an awesome mom ! He is the cutest little blue eyed snuggler you would ever want to hug ! ! ! ( Besides Bear I 'm sure ! ) Anyway , Jenna is moving another 30 minutes away from us ( due to her husbands job ) so she will be even a bit further away . I truly love her , her baby , and her husband . I think its important for Mom 's to realize that , although you are a mom , you are not your daughter 's childs ' mom - its a right of passage to trust your children and let them be free to explore what a wondrous thing Motherhood actually is - Happy Mother 's Day ! - Debi Over the past year my mother was diagnosed with a rare type of cancer . At the time she was going to school to obtain her nursing degree and watching her grandson so my younger sister could go to work and school . She underwent chemo and had to stay in the hospital postponing her education . while we were growing up she worked extra hard at a dead end job for us . After her cancer treatment she went back and obtained her degree even though she 'd been through a lot and still has headaches and such from the cancer . She is now a cancer survivor and is working in her field of study . She is an amazing woman to look up to . Teresa My best friend in the whole world deserves this . She is my second mom and spends her time doing selfless acts . She put on a Christmas party for military who didn 't have a place to go and even made stockings for all the kids with everything out of her own pocket . She did the same organizing a thanksgiving one year for military . They now carry that tradition over every year . No one knows she started it they just attend it . She buys kids in need school supplies each year or just makes them a root beer float for their birthdays . She will often throw them a cupcake party where they can decorate their own cupcakes out of nowhere . She brought a family in need presents and food one year for Christmas . Her acts of kindness are endless . She has so many adopted grand kids . And children . Hadar Aviram My mom deserves to be pampered ! She has been working a demanding full - time job and , on top of that , caregiving for my grandma , after two years in which she did intense caregiving for my grandpa until he died . And nonetheless , she remembers everyone 's birthdays and hosts parties for them , keeps track of everyone 's schedule , and makes sure everyone is healthy and doing well . She is the epitome of selflessness and deserves some fun from others . My loving and beautiful mother could really use some pampering for Mother 's Day . My mom was in the hospital last Sep for 3 weeks due to complications from her back then went to rehab for 4 weeks . Not having my mom home for 7 weeks was hard but I visited her almost every single day to lift her spirits . She had cataract surgery in Jan and Retina surgery last month . Her eyesight is getting much better and I can see that she is more confident and happier which makes me happy . I will do anything for mom to make her happy . I am the person I am today because of her love , kindness and support . She raised me all by herself since I was 2 yrs old and deserves the very best in life . Thank you mom for being my best friend ! Love you always ! I think my mom deserves to be pampered ! She raised 7 children and is always giving ! She is one of the most kind and caring person i know ! My mom is the most selfless person I know . She single - handedly raised all her children and is now taking care of my sister who is fighting cancer . I love her , she deserves the best Mother 's Day ! My mother deserves this because she had to put up with my brother and I while dealing with a degenerative eye disease , which has resulted in her needing a corneal transplant . She 's also had problems with her back , foot , gallbladder , and she had sleep apnea . While I was in high school , she lost about 120 lbs in ten months . I 'm so proud of her . She has gone through so much in her life . She was born to immigrants in Canada and moved to the US as a child . When she was an early teen , her father passed away and her family fell into deep poverty . She had a very hard life as a teenager having to grow up so quickly . I love her with all my heart . One of the meaningful words ever is Mom . It sounds comforting , it sounds peaceful , and it sounds so protective and strong . My friend Miyuki Parris is all of those . She is a Mom to two wonderful boys , who are 10 and 13 . But her motherly world is spreading beyond of that . Miyuki became a Mom to so many children all over the World , who are deprived of mother love . Once she found out that my own Mom visits one of the local orphanages in Almaty , Kazakhstan , she immediately stepped in , sending school supplies and basic household items to those children , who didn 't have even toothpaste . Next time , when I went there , I brought her an application of colorful house , kids made for her from carton as their gratefulness . Kids know that there is someone special who cares about them and loves them genuinely . And that is not one time thing . She has been constantly helping children in needs , as much as she could since I met her in summer 2001 . She was temporarily even my Mom here , sharing her house and food with me when I was going to grad school and struggling between jobs . I felt a harmony in all her acts , because everything she did , she did it from her heart . She taught me and her boys to sweetness of giving , caring and sharing . She does not make big money at all , but she is saving towards donation for children . She has been contributing to help to sick children in the hospitals ; local vulnerable children from low income families by sending toys , books , clothes and food ; children all over the world by whatever donations she can make toward food for them . That devotion and that humble kindness make her one Kind Mama . As for me , I am not Mom , yet , I myself have been diagnosed as infertile since 2005 . But I don 't give up ! Since I bought your " The Kind Mama " book last June , everything is different for the best ! By now , I completely have changed my diet ; have been 7 months vegan and just loving it . The philosophy of book inspired me , gave me strength and hope , and my instincts say that everything will be even better . I feel healthier , wiser and younger than ever ! Thank you Bear 's Mama ! My sister is a hardworking single mom . She works 12 hours a day and still tries to make sure she is there to take her kids to any school related activities that they are involved in . She lost her husband a few years ago and she tries to make sure that her kids don 't forget who their father was and tries to keep them involved in things to fill the void . My vegan sister and I would love to be pampered for mother 's day . . being vegan we don 't get the care that meat eaters get because it seems nobody knows what to give us . It would just be phenomenal to get some vegan goods for mom 's day and share them with her ! ! Thanks ! ! I 'm nominating my sweet mama ! She has been on her own since 15 ! She always had a vision for the kids she would one day have before she even knew us . She planned to give us a better life than what she had , & trust me she went through a lot of crappy trials … I 'm so proud of her for coming out of all of it and never letting life get her down . Single mom of three puts herself through real estate school and busts her butt and provides for us everything we could possibly need and more . The older I get the more I realize the sacrifices and struggles she had to go through to make sure we lived a good life . I just found out I am going to be a mom I am so excited about spending this Mother 's Day with my mom this year ! ! Rachel As a new mom , my wife Cami amazes me everyday . As the proud mama of a beautiful 4 month old , she is tireless in making sure our baby is happy and as healthy as can be . Her strength and commitment to a healthy lifestyle for our little one are more than I could imagine . And as important as it is to her to keep an organ and healthy household , I 'm sure not many would appreciate these organic / free trade products more than she would . My mom is a great mom ! She came from parents who were in an arranged married and they had planned that for her too . She met my dad in college and eloped , and for many years her parents didn 't talk to her . She went on to have four daughters ( I 'm one ) and eventually her parents forgave her . My mom is a great mom who has came over hardship . I love her very much ! I would like to nominate myself and my mother , this year we grew closer than ever . Growing up as a teen my mother and I went through some challenging times , but as we both matured ( especially me ) our relationship has only flourished . I am a mother now and I realize what it takes to raise a child , I hope to express my gratitude and love for my mother this year in a special way ! This giveaway seems perfect for us because my mother and I have become so much more aware of our place in this beautiful world and how we each can help the world to improve through small ways . The more we learn about ways of life , like fair trade , the more thought we put into our purchases and overall lifestyle . as a singer and song - writer . Like Crystal , Cat Evers , selflessly advocates for social compassion and sustainable change . I know Crystal would be elated to be receive the Free Trade Mother 's Day gifts , but irrespective of the giveaway , I thank you , Alicia , for the opportunity to share my friend 's story and upon reading it , I hope she knows how valued she truly is ! - Victoria Howard My mom really deserves to win this beautiful set . She is 93 years young and has raised 5 kids , helped raise 14 grandkids , 23 great - grandkids , and 2 great - great - grandkids . She had 5 way by - pass heart surgery at 85 years old and had issues with her knees now , but never lets any of it get her down . She still lives in her own home and attends church every Sunday . She is a wonder woman , mother and grandmother and so deserves to be pampered more than anyone else I know . Thank you for doing this for which ever mom wins it . My mom would love these items . Health is so important to her . She works full - time for a school district but has also been teaching yoga & doing personal training for as long as I can remember ! She 's a hard worker & sometimes forgets to take time for herself . She 's actually working the morning of Mother 's Day . This would be a lovely reminder to slow down a little , relax & be pampered . Ali Johnston My mom is the ultimate giver . She just spent over three weeks here in Vermont tending to my every need after having my first child . While she was here , she was arranging for donations for a child in her town in West Virginia to attend a school trip through an organization she founded called Happy Kids . Children she has helped through her work as a child advocate have grown to love and trust her , calling on her in their times of need . During the same time she was here helping me , she also received calls from two different teens in the foster system needing a place to stay . She always finds a way to make it work . She is also writing a children 's book about the life of her friend William , who escaped genocide and child slavery in Sudan . She always puts others before herself . Last year , her best friend since childhood unexpectedly died , leaving behind her two beloved dogs . My mom was devastated by the loss . Her friend 's family were going to put the dogs up for adoption , but she knew that was not what her friend would have wanted . So , she was able to get the dogs from Houston to WV , where they now live with her and her other adopted animals . She experienced various other losses last year ( three beloved pets ) and yet she still gives and gives without hesitation . She is truly my hero . ellen schull My daughter Carissa she is in the hospital . She had a baby on Wednesday and has high blood pressure and is getting sick from the medication . The baby has low blood sugar and has been put on IV 's . They deserve a good Mother 's Day this year .
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I wanted to try conveying emotional torture rather than describing a physical torture . I decided that learning that my husband is a serial rapist / sadist / arsonist is about as bad as emotional torture could get . But wouldn 't you feel really guilty too , like how did you not realize that ? Well , maybe I couldn 't smell the gasoline on him , and I never put two and two together . But then I asked myself , what might I do if I did finally realize he was a killer and what he 'd done … . " Thank you for coming , Mrs . Gilbert " Detective Lane Brooks led Bonnie into his office . " I know it took a lot of courage and we appreciate it and so do the families of the victims . " He said pulling out a chair for her . " If it weren 't for me and my handicap , there wouldn 't be that many victims . I feel responsible . I should have known . " She said , her voice trembling . " With all due respect , Ma ' am , we don 't know that your husband had anything to do with this case . He certainly hasn 't been on our radar and until we hear what you have to say , I don 't know that you should be taking on so much of this blame . " He said . " Can I get you some coffee or water ? Anything ? " She shook her head . " I 'd just as soon get this over with , if you don 't mind . " She said . Detective Brooks nodded and took a tape recorder out of the drawer . " Ok , let 's go ahead and get started . Why don 't you tell me when you began to suspect your husband was the arsonist ? " He said and pressed record . " Well , I 'm ashamed to say that I didn 't begin to suspect anything until last week . I 'm so stupid . I mean , I thought he was having an affair . He started picking up shifts all of a sudden . He told me he wanted to start putting some real money away for the future . I believed him for so long , and see , the thing is , he 's a paramedic , so if he comes home with blood on him , it 's normal , if he 's dirty , again , not a big deal . But the extra shifts , it started out only once in a while , every couple weeks or so but then , lately it 's been once or twice a week . I started thinking who 's calling off that much that he keeps getting all these extra hours ? You know ? And honestly , he was spending a lot more time in the basement on the computer ; I started thinking he was messing around . So , last week , when he was in the shower , I took his cell phone and looked through it . And you know what I found ? " Detective Brooks shook his head . " Nothing . And a lot of it . No calls or texts from work , nothing from anyone . Don 't you think that 's weird for someone who is supposedly picking up all this extra work ? I mean , someone must be calling him , right ? " " I don 't know , Ma ' am , is that how they usually do it ? Maybe they have a board up at work with shifts up for grabs or something like that ? " The Detective offered . " No , they used to call his cell all the time . That 's when I got to thinking ; he hasn 't been getting any calls from work when he 's around home . And trust me , Detective , my hearing is superb . I would have heard it even in the basement . " " Did you confront him ? I mean , cheating on your marriage is pretty despicable , but it 's not a crime . " The detective leaned back and relaxed . He realized he 'd been sitting up on the edge of his seat waiting for her to tell him something that would close the case . He needed to stop this bastard . This guy was a sicko . Of the few victims whose bodies weren 't burned to char , the medical examiner was able to determine they 'd been sexually tortured and burned with irons and hot pokers before setting fire to their home and leaving them to die . Every lead had fizzled out and right now , they were desperate . The body count was up to six . The last two were a mother and her twelve year old daughter . They needed to catch this guy . When Bonnie Gilbert had called yesterday and said she thought she knew who the killer was , he was on the phone with her immediately . She said she had proof . But now , it seemed more likely she was out for revenge on a cheating husband . He was already bored . It was time to wrap this up . " I did not immediately confront him , no . I wanted to get more information , proof that he couldn 't deny . So I called his station , asked for him . They were surprised . They said they had seen him since he 'd gone on medical leave ! I was shocked . I asked them what exactly he was on medical leave for and they said it was for me and my recent diagnosis ! " Her chin quivered . " Yes . I have a small brain tumor . " She said and before he could stop her , she went on . " So , now I knew he wasn 't going to work . So , I waited for him to get home , thinking it was time to confront him . There was a special on TV about the arsonist , I watched it . The things they were saying this man did were unspeakable . But you know how CNN just beats a dead horse when there is some new , horrific crime ? So , they put up this time line , and that 's when it hit me that all of his extra shifts coincided with the dates and times of the fires . " The detective leaned forward again . Bonnie began sobbing . " Detective , don 't you see , if I had called you all then , half of those women would still be alive including that precious little girl ! I didn 't say anything because my husband is a lot of things , but not a killer . Well , I didn 't think so anyways . I mean , he has been a paramedic his whole adult life , he helps people . And Dr . Drew on CNN , He said the guy was a sadist , a sexual sadist not an arsonist really because he is only using arson to cover up his crimes . The real crime is how he likes to torture and watch women suffer . That he gets off on it . But see , that 's what held me back , because my Craig , see well , he always had a problem getting an erection . Sometimes he could on his own for a little bit but most of the time ; he had to use Viagra or something . So , I said to myself you 're just being paranoid . I figured he probably was having an affair , and I was just avoiding the issue . But what I was really avoiding was facing the facts that my husband is a sick , sexual predator . It 's my fault that little girl is dead . " Lane took a deep breath ; he needed to keep her on track . She might have something , she might not . He was having a hard time believing that this man was coming home dirty and bloody but not stinking of gasoline and smoke . She had to be mistaken . " The important thing is that you are here now . If you help us catch him , at least you can give that little girl 's family some closure . What I need though is proof : more than just the coincidence that your husband was out on the same nights as the murders . " He said . " So , I let it go for a few days , but then , last Monday , he called me to say he had picked up an extra shift and wouldn 't be home til after midnight . " Lane leaned into her . This was interesting because that was the date of the last two murders , Jillian and Sarah Johnston . " I decided to do some snooping , I went downstairs and logged on to his computer , there was a file on it that was password protected . I tried every one I knew but none of them worked . So , I started going through the drawers of the desk and I found a bunch of pornography , some of it was awful , terrible stuff . The women in it were being tortured , stuck with pins and needles all over their bodies . Some were being burned and hit . And honestly , detective , I know so much of it is fake , but these ones , well those girls ' faces , I will never get out of my mind . They looked terrified . I went back to the computer and I tried using some of the names of the magazines for the password and it worked . And what I saw , the videos , Oh , God . I knew I knew it then what my husband really is . He is a monster . He killed those women and as I looked at all those awful things , he was killing that little girl and her mother , and I still didn 't call you . I still didn 't , Detective . You should arrest me . I have to live with that knowledge the rest of my life ; I 'll never be free of it . It was just too easy to say maybe my husband is sick and maybe he has a lot of sexual perversity , but that still doesn 't make him a killer . That 's when I decided to confront him . I waited up for him . I had the magazines all laid out on the kitchen table . He came home around 2 am , he was dirty , sooty now that I think about it , and he had scratches all over his arms . " " Could you smell smoke or gasoline on him ? On his clothes ? " Lane asked her , impatient . What she was telling him was a lot of good but circumstantial evidence . He needed clothes with gasoline or smoke on them , he needed pictures of the victims on the guy 's computer . He needed a victim who somehow survived . " Detective , I thought I told you , I have a brain tumor . I have no sense of smell . He could have taken a bath in gasoline for all I knew . I always attributed his dirt and blood to his job and nothing more . " She said . The detective leaped up out of his chair . And began pacing the room . This changed things . She couldn 't smell anything and of course her husband knew it . How easy would it be to come home every time in the clothes you killed in and just wash up like nothing ever happened ? He wanted to get someone out to their house right away . " Where is your husband right now ? Where does he think you are ? " He asked her . She looked at him for a moment and dropped her eyes back to her hands which were currently wringing each other on the table . " So , he came home and he saw me sitting there with those magazines and he stopped . He asked me what I was doing with them and what I 'd been doing with his things . I said I would be the one asking the questions . I asked him if he killed those women , and where he 'd been that night . His faced changed then , he got this evil look and he hit me . He hit me so hard , he knocked me out . When I woke up , I was tied up and he was standing there staring down at me . He had a curling iron in his hand . " She started crying now , hyperventilating . The detective called out for assistance , a female . " Bonnie , where is your husband ? We will get him and he will never be able to hurt you or anyone else again . " He said to her , trying to calm her down . " Was the medical examiner able to tell if the insides of their vaginas were burned with something before the fire started ? What about their breasts ? Were their nipples missing ? " She began to unbutton her shirt . He grabbed her hand and pulled it away from her chest . He didn 't want to see because he already knew what they looked like , the breasts ended in a flattened plateau where the areola and nipple had once been . It was the same on every corpse . He caught a whiff of gasoline as he pulled her hand towards him . He pulled it up and sniffed . She let him . He looked up at her , his eyes widened in surprise . " After he was done with me , he got in the shower and I managed to get free . I don 't think he tied the ropes very tight , I think he thought I would be subdued by … everything … everything he did to me . But I had to stop him . I had to make sure he never hurt anyone else ever again . I had to make it up to all those women . " She wasn 't even looking at him anymore . She was staring at a vision only she could see . " Bonnie , we need to go to your house now . Where do you live ? Can I get your address or is it here in your purse ? Bonnie , is it ok if I look in your purse ? " He was already rummaging through it . The female detective had arrived , Melissa Jessop , her name was . He had Bonnie 's driver 's license in his hand and pushed passed her . And then , as a parting thought he yelled back at Melissa " just keep an eye on her . Don 't let her go anywhere ! " Melissa looked back at the woman in the seat . She was pale and expressionless . She 'd seen that same expression so many times when she needed to give family the news of a loved one 's untimely death . The woman didn 't even seem to notice that Detective Brooks had left , she was still talking . Melissa sat down in Lane 's chair and listened . " I hit him over the head with a baseball bat while he was in the shower . I was too weak to drag him anywhere , so I dumped the gasoline on him right there and then I lit him on fire . " She said . " I suppose someone 's called the fire department by now . " Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :
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Tea Partay - TiaSo I am slightly youtube happy , as evidenced by the number of videos on the blog . But I can 't help it . There seems to be no end to the junk you can find on there . Now I initially saw the following video on TBS ' funniest commercials of 2006 show . And since just about anything you see on television can eventually be found on youtube , I immediately went and found it . People have been whining about the video being derogatory to black folks . First off , not all black rappers act like the guys in the video . Actually , I don 't know any rappers who act like the New England gangstas . Second , it 's not like they 're any more ridiculous than some of the other stuff that I have seen on BET or MTV . I personally am not offended in the least . This mess is FUNNY . My favourite part is during the breakdown at the end : in cursive . It will make sense once you watch it . But I would love to hear your thoughts . Do you think I should be offended ? Are you ? Please know , if you are offended this may not be the site for you . And know that I will continue to find this funny . Holla back Let 's Stay Together - TiaYou know , if I based my faith in relationships solely on celebrity marriages I would think that no one can stay together . I 'm not going to lie to you , I was REALLY shocked to hear about Michael and Juanita Jordan . For one thing , they seemed genuinely happy even with the rumours of MJ 's infidelity . ( I heard some stuff about Ananda Lewis . But you didn 't hear it from me . ) And another thing , I heard that they had an IRON CLAD pre - nup . I mean like a , " you leave me and you leave with nothing but the clothes on your back " kind of pre - nup . But you never know . I 'm sure it will all come out in the end . Some big messy divorce will subsequently be splashed all over the paper . Man , I guess SEVENTEEN years of marriage just doesn 't mean what it used to . Home - TiaI want to come home . Maybe it 's the holiday or maybe it 's because I 've been able to be around my family for the last few days but I want to come home . My brother came to visit me last week and we had a GREAT time . I had to bow up on a fast little girl that was trying to be in his life but other than that it was good times . . . . I actually cried when he left . After he left for my mom 's I caught a plane to my dad 's . And now , I don 't want to get back on that plane to LA on Friday . I know I haven 't been in LA for that long but it just doesn 't feel like home . I want to give it a chance . I really do . But thus far with my work schedule and my insanely long commute I haven 't been able to . The few times that I have been out it still feels like I 'm visiting . And I 'm starting to wonder , if you weren 't born and raised in Southern California will the city ever feel like home ? I 've been in Atlanta for the past few days and like always I love it . I love the southern accents and the food and just the city in general . I love that I can get back from the airport in 25 minutes or less even though it 's almost 30 miles away . LAX is about the same distance from my house in LA and it took me an hour and a half to get there last week . Damn 405 . Even though the Olympics made Atlanta this huge booming metropolis , the city still some how managed to keep it 's southern appeal . They call it the new south , whatever that is . Now don 't get me wrong , Atlanta , like any other city on earth has it 's problems . From what I understand it is the down low capital of the country . There is still covert and some not so covert racism in the city . A woman in the mall parking lot actually locked her doors when she saw me coming . I guess the the J . Crew pea coat and iPod led her to believe that I would car jack her for her JEEP LIBERTY . . . HAHAHAHAHAHAHA . And like many other big cities the housing market is slowly working it 's way toward being unaffordable for the working class . But even with all of it 's problems I still love it here . West Egg Cafe makes theEmail ThisBlogThis ! Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest If you say you don 't feel some kind of way about James Brown you 's a lie . If you like Usher , Michael Jackson or Justin Timberlake then you need to give James Brown his due . Today 's artists are often just shameless rip offs of the great artists of the past . So when a legend like James Brown passes away it 's like a part of R & B dies with him . Or in this case , R & B and funk and soul and hip - hop . R . I . P James Brown 1933 - 2006 The Toni Childs Show - Tia So I was in El Pollo Loco a couple of weeks ago getting a salad and this black girl had walked in ahead of me wearing what I have dubbed one of the standard LA outfits : Knit hat , cute top , jeans and those suede boots with the fur around the top that it never gets quite cold enough to justify wearing in LA . I didn 't really think too much of it , save to wonder what is up with chicks and those boots . They just look really hot to me . Anyway , as we stood in line I realized that the girl looked really familiar . Or at least her profile did . ( She was kind of standing at an angle . ) I suddenly realized that it was Jill Marie Jones aka Toni Childs from Girlfriends . Of course I immediately whipped out my cell phone to text and IM Toya . I was too excited . Toni Childs was my favourite character on Girlfriends . I would be as superficial as she was if it weren 't for the grace of God . I seriously would not think of anyone but myself if I didn 't have to . It 's just something I struggle with . Anyway , you can imagine how bummed I was when I found out that Jill Marie Jones wouldn 't be returning to Girlfriends this season . I read somewhere that Tracee Ellis Ross said , " It wasn 't the Toni Childs Show " . Although this was true , in my opinion the Toni storyline was the most compelling . While Joan 's neurosis was cute from time to time , it began to wear thin after a while . And I liked those other two girls but I honestly can 't remember anything in particular that they did . Oh wait , the one girl wrote that book Oh Hell Naw but that 's about it . But frankly , without the Toni Childs character I really don 't know how long the show can last . I personally haven 't watched it this season . Anyway , Jill Marie Jones is just as pretty in person as she is on the show . Even with no make - up and her hair all shoved up in her cap she 's gorgeous . I normally pride myself in not being starstruck but I had to say something . So while she was getting her pico de gallo I asked if she was Jill Marie Jones . She said yes at which point I precEmail ThisBlogThis ! Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest Too TOO Cute - TiaOkay right now the biggest desire I have is to own a house in Inman Park in Atlanta . ( Yes , I know I just moved to LA . Gimme a break ) But after I saw this I kicked into " I want to get married and have babies " mode . If I see this little girl on the street , I think I may be inclined to walk up on her and hug her to death . I mean is it wrong to want a little brown skinned child with plats in her hair ? I think not . The Barry Gibb Talk Show - TiaThis is easily one of my favourite skits that SNL has done in a long time . For the most part I don 't even watch SNL anymore . It kinda fell off a long time ago . But for some reason , every once in a great while , they seem to get it right . This is the third version of the Barry Gibb Talk Show . It was on last Saturday . The rest can be found . . . where else . . . . on You Tube . So About Matt Morris . . . He finally has a Myspace page : www . myspace . com / mattmorrisdotnet . Speaking of Myspace , I would like to mention a few things . One , I swear Tia and I are some day for real going to have a BGLU page . It has been pure chaos between her moving and my dramedy of a life but we really do want to do that . I mostly want to do it because I don 't add readers to my personal page anymore . This is not just to start protecting myself but my friends as well whose names we use aliases . Secondly , Myspace is your friend . Case in point I was a little curious about a minor crush I had and decided to look him up on Myspace . A person 's Myspace page says a whole lot about him . His Myspace page let me know that he was also " curious " if you know what I mean . Again ladies , Myspace is your friend . Later ( hopefully not much later . I am bursting with stuff to talk about ) , Toya I should be in bed - TiaApparently I have some sort of viral infection . That would explain the 102 fever I had . I thought I was going to die yesterday . It took everything in me to just make it to the doctor 's office and it 's less than a mile away . Anyway , I 've been in bed for 2 days . I can 't take it anymore . But I still feel like crap . I know I should be in bed . But there is just so much stuff on the web . So for your enjoyment and mine : If this doesn 't move you then we can 't be friends . Wonder in a cold medicine haze - TiaI have some how managed to catch a cold . I 'm not really sure how it happened other than being stressed as all get out and being in denial about how cold it actually gets in the Valley . I 'm currently sitting here in a cold medicine haze waiting for the sun to go down so that I can take the nighttime variant of my cold medicine and go to sleep . But since I got some time I figured I would splash some more of my life across the world wide web . I have recently had this feeling that something big is about to happen in my life . It 's not an ominous feeling . It 's just one of those things when I feel like I 'm on the cusp of some life changing moment . I 've had the feeling for a few days now which is good . Because otherwise I think I may have just chalked it up the medicine fog I 'm in right now . But it 's been lingering . It 's like when you 're blowing a balloon and you can actually HEAR the plastic getting taut and you know that if you blow too much more the whole thing is going to explode . It 's like that kind of anxious feeling you get right before the whole thing pops . There is nothing in my life that would lead me to believe that something huge and unknown is just around the corner . But there is this intangible knowledge that my life is going to change is some way . The ironic thing is that I have no idea what 's going or where my life is going right now and have pretty much felt this way since I got to LA . Everyday I toy with the idea of moving back east , specifically to Atlanta , buying a house and starting over . I know I 've only been here 2 months but most days I just feel lost . I miss my friends . I miss relationships that took so long to build . I miss people saying y ' all . But I know I 'm supposed to be here . I just don 't know for what or for how long . So frankly I 'm quite excited about whatever may be about to happen . Although I have no idea what it could possibly be or even when it , whatever it is , could happen . But I have to remember : But do not forget this one thing , dear friends : With Email ThisBlogThis ! Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest Un - Freaking - necessary - TiaI had a chance to see a preview of The Holiday last night . It should come as no surprise that I wanted to go see it . Hot British guy talking for 2 hours and I want to see it . . . Shocker . Now I know what you 're thinking . Jude Law is a known cad , philanderer and possibly a bit obsessive . I mean , how many times can you break up and make up with your ex - girlfriend ? But Jude has been in my top 5 favourite Brit Boys for a long time . Besides , he said he was sorry , right ? ? ? Anyway , the movie was so cute . I really liked it . One part in particular that comes pretty early in the movie . Jude and Cameron Diaz are sitting on the couch having a moment and he kisses her . It 's not the fact that he kisses her . It 's the WAY he kisses her . ( If you don 't want to know , go ahead and ummm . . . . read something else . ) I don 't know how she stood it . I lost my mind just watching it . He took her face in his hands , ( something that I absolutely LOVE . It seriously turns me to jell - o when a man does that to me . ) swept her hair back and as she was anticipating the kiss , lips pierced and everything , he gently kissed her eyelid and THEN laid a tremendous kiss on her . I literally wanted to SCREAM . I had to reach over and grab my roommate . It was one of those moments when you have to make physical contact with someone so that you can regain your composure lest you lose you whole mind . The whole thing was so unnecessary . And I frankly don 't know how Cameron Diaz didn 't run off the set screaming and flailing about . You know Justin ain 't that good . And who knows , maybe she did and it will be in the bonus features on the DVD . All that to say , I highly recommend the movie . It 's cute . Jude Law is in it . And the message I took from it is break up with him in your mind . And if you have to , kick him out of your house and your life . ( It will all make sense when you see the movie . ) WHY - TiaWhy do I have the biggest crush on T . I . ? He really doesn 't have a whole lot of positive things to say . He 's a bit on the slight side . And I 'm sure I 've got at least 3 inches on him . But I love that little man . I run What You Know on the regular . He is so cute and diminuitive . He will be the crush until further notice . You 'll Grow Out of It - TiaSo the west coast is definitely a culture shock . I 've only been here two months so I 'm still trying to get used to things . I keep waiting for it to feel like home . But for some unknown reason I find myself missing the right ( as opposed to left ) coast . Specifically Atlanta . Toya and I have decided to retire in Atlanta . But that 's another story for another time . Anyway , a lot of things are different here . Something in particular is the way people eat . I have met more vegetarians and vegans since I moved here . There 's a guy in my office who eats NO sugar . I have no idea how he manages that . But he 's lost a ton of weight since moving here . He said he and his partner just acclimated to the culture . I keep hearing that I will too . Ummm . . . . I don 't think so . I am a southern girl . Born and bred . I come from a culture that puts meat in everything . Green beans , stuffing , cabbage . . . we put meat in EVERYTHING . But I 've been told that that will change . A few weeks ago I was out to dinner with my new roommate and some of her friends , one of whom is a faithful BGLU reader . I was told that after a while you just kind of get used to the lifestyle . One that is substantially less meat - filled . I smiled and nodded as I ordered stuffed sausage . The no sugar guy at work told me that he now only eats meat when he goes back home to Philly . But my favourite was when I was told that I would grow out of meat . That 's right . I was talking to this girl and she told me that I would grow out of meat . Apparently , how the theory goes , is the LA culture is one of more organic , less processed foods . Things that can be found growing in and on the earth . Meat is slightly frowned upon , as are carbs , refined processed sugar and anything with preservatives . Although , I find it interesting the liquor is darn near free flowing . You can buy X - rated ( one of Toya and mine , Toya and I , me and Toya . . . whatever , one of our favourite liquors ) at CVS . This well meaning girl went on to tell me that after a while I would grow out of meat . HmmNo comments : PAIN - tiaSo I got my eyebrows threaded over the weekend . HOLY CRAP BATMAN ! ! ! ! Why didn 't someone tell me that there would be that much pain involved ? The cute little girl bounded in as I was waiting to get waxed and she explained to me why threading was better than waxing . Long term sagging or something . . . whatever . The pain has wiped my memory clean . But she talked me into it . I figured if I could get 4 tattoos and my wisdom teeth pulled and well , dammit just be a girl with the monthlies then I figured threading would be no problem . WrongTHE PAIN ! ! ! ! ! The cute little girl told me that I needed to relax my face . I told her that I would relax my face when she stopped hurting me . Needless to say there was little relaxing . But the mean little girl was right . My brows look great . And apparently my lids won 't sag to my chest when I 'm old . For my ladies that are considering threading I recommend it if you think you can handle the pain . And if you do decide to do it , know this : the next time a guy says something about women being the weaker sex you have every right to smack the hot holy hell out of him . Coming up next : You 'll grow out off it . No comments : I can not get behind you . . . . - tiaif this song does not move you . Now I realize that some of you are at something of a disadvantage due to the time of your conception and birth . But if you were born any time in the mid to late 70s or even the very early 80s and this doesn 't move you . . . well frankly I just can 't get behind you . I sent this video to a friend of mine in the UK and he pretty much lost his mind . Further cementing the fact that my husband , my soulmate , my roaddog for life is English . She 's no you - TiaI miss Toya . I have yet to read any of the posts that she 's written about me leaving . I just can 't take it . We have been saying for years that we need to break up . But now that life has taken us in different directions I miss her . She 's my homie . Easily my best friend . She knows what pictures are on my phone . She knows what color blue is my favourite . And she knows what I mean when I say that . No one can replace her . And quite frankly I don 't want anyone too . However , I miss the closeness . I realize that the next person I 'm that close to needs to be the man that gives me the 2 carat platinum ring and understands and encourages my fascination for a home pole . ( If you don 't get that , it 's too grown for you . ) Now don 't get me wrong . My new roommate is great . But she 's no Toya . She 's a real grown - up . I STILL sometimes feel like I 'm playing in my mom 's high heels . She has a wine rack . And I 've seen her run in heels . She gets box seats to Clippers and Kings games . But she also doesn 't quite get me yet . I made a crack about Al Sharpton and she took it seriously . I had to explain because she really seemed to take offense . And well , it 's far too early to piss off the new roommate . I have to at least wait a few months for that . : ) My biggest fear is that she 's never going to quite get me . For the last few weeks she thought , " I didn 't like stuff . " Apparently I was giving off the vibe that I just I 'm not a fan of new things or things in general . I must admit I have been something of a Debbie Downer but I attribute that to my homesickness . Which by the way , I conveyed to her . I guess what it boils down to is Toya really got me . From my schizophrenic music taste to my macabre sense of humor to my near clinical obsession with the British , she got me . I had no doubt that God called us to walk convenantly . Not in a weird way , but in a " I know God has put us together , Jonathan and David without the dying " kind of way . Frankly , I can 't imagine how that can happen again until I get married . At the very least I hope No comments : Where is everyone ? - TiaI have been so homesick . I 've been in LA for about a month now and just about every other day I wish I could go back to Nashville . It 's not that I don 't love some aspects of LA . The weather is fantastic . The food is helping contribute to my Team Chunk status . But it 's just not what I 'm used to . I miss my people . ( By the way I can 't find any of the emails that a couple of you sent me . If you live in LA and you offered to hang out please email again . And Levi , I haven 't forgotten about you . ) The other day on my way to the middle of nowhere Oregon I realized that the reason I 'm probably so homesick is because I have the exact same life I had in Nashville only now I don 't have my people around . It took me 5 - 6 years to make the friends that I had in Nashville . And it seems like the older you get the harder it becomes to make friends . When you 're in school you 're in something of a forced social dynamic . You spend 2 - 3 days a week with the same people . You have no choice but to get to know them . I think that 's why there 's such a social disconnect for post - college people . You do life with people for 4 years and then , BOOM ! it 's gone . You 're in the " real " world with real grown - ups and you gotta make new friends all over again . Only this time you 've got responsibilities that get in the way . Anyway , as much as I love the idea of LA I don 't yet love LA . But I have no doubt that I 'm supposed to be here . And if I 'm supposed to be here then I gotta believe that somehow I 'm gonna meet some new " people . " Some new roaddogs . Some new friends . But for now I miss y ' all . And " y ' all " know who you are . It 's official - TiaI am officially captain of Team Chunk . I got my feelings hurt the last time I went to the doctor before I left Nashville . As my sweet Christian doctor who I 've been seeing for the last 5 years flipped through my files , he began to look at me and then look in my charts . And then back at me and back at the chart . He finally looks up at me and says , lovingly mind you but still nonetheless concerned , " Soooo , you 've put on X - lbs since I saw you last . What 's going on ? " Now I could tell by his tone that he wasn 't just prying but he was genuinely concerned . And NO I 'm not going to tell you how many . Just know that it was double digits . Now , how the back story goes is I let life with the constant traveling , and depression over my crappy ex , and sadness with everything in general get the better of me . I stopped going to the gym and Krispy Kreme became a favourite hangout . Now mind you I am nowhere near the weight that I was when I left college . But I most definitely have captain status on Team Chunk . The motto of the moment is something that I heard on a radio station here in LA . Don 't talk about it , BE about it . So that 's what I 'm doing . I 'm trying to be about it . The measurements on my comp card are a currently a bold face lie . I couldn 't go to any open calls if I wanted to . And well , I 'll be damned if I moved across the country and away from everyone that I love to have the same life that I had back in Nashville . At least if I try I can 't say , " I shoulda , I coulda , I woulda " on down the line . I have to try and I have to put myself in a position to succeed . I have grown up watching my mother sabotage her life . And I can 't live like that . Even though I love me some hot now Krispy Kreme doughnuts . That is all . I am officially handing in my Team Chunk membership . Thank you but no thank you . Laters No comments : BGLU News - This just in : Man Band Press ReleaseFor half a decade Boy Bands ruled the airwaves , maintaining a strange hold on their bustling , female audience and just as quickly they faded from the spotlight . Now , all grown up , VH1 has decided to bring members of these teenage heartthrobs together in the new reality series " Man Band . " Living together under one roof , five boy band legends includingBryan Abrams ( Color Me Badd ) , Rich Cronin ( LFO ) , Chris Kirkpatrick ( ' N Sync ) and Jeff Timmons ( 98 Degrees ) will be challenged to create new music , a dynamic stage show and then perform as a new pop group - - allof which begs the question " Can lightening strike twice ? " " Man Band " is executive produced by Troy Searer and John Foy for TijuanaEntertainment , Tony Harding and Kennedy for Kandokid Productions and JimAckerman for VH1 . Christian McLaughlin is the supervising producer andMichael Hirschorn serves as Executive Producer for VH1 . Umm , er ruh . . . umm . . . * sigh * - Yeah , I have nothing to say right now except for the usual : ( altogether now ) Come King Jesus and part the sky . - Toya Upgrade You : Part One - ToyaThis is a Beyonce 's song off of B - Day . I still can 't stand this record but Irreplaceable is one of my favorite songs of the year , hands down . Depression sucks . It sucks , it sucks it sucks . It sucks on so many different levels because it cripples you . I used to really suffer from depression in my late teens , early twenties . Thank God , it 's very rare that I have to deal with that anymore . However , with so much going on , I would have to be a robot to not have indulged in a bit of a pity party . And what 's a party without cake and ice cream ? and hot wings ? and late night fried chicken , double bacon cheeseburgers , nachos and cheese ? Let 's just say that while I am sure my gym appreciates my " donation " every month , I need to get it together . Strangely enough , Lane Bryant just sent me an email and I don 't ever remember being on their email list . Hmm . . . This fall in an effort to boost my self esteem , I decided to upgrade my sexy . I have never really been good at finding the most fashionable clothes . I am a chick that will go to The Gap , find some shirts that fit right and buy 6 of them in one color . People compliment me on my style but little do they know I consult Renee , a stylist , on almost everything I wear and Tia has given me most of my shoes because outside of her I would only wear black shoes and sweat socks with almost everything . I started unpacking my fall / winter clothes one weekend to find that fashionably , I was in a bit of a rut . I knew there was no way I could do this by myself so I started thinking about who I could go to give me a complete fashion upgrade . NOT Makeover , but Upgrade : to take my own personal style and step it up . I knew that there was only one person and one person only : Abby . Abby is sexy . Abby is the kind of sexy you wish you were . She is tall , thick , has fiery red hair , perfectly puckered come hither lips and hips like BLADDOWW ! She 's not model thin which is partly why I picked her . At a size 14 , she exudes more confidence than anyone I know that is a size 4 and looksNo comments : - TiaI 'm at the office and it 's not as if I don 't have work to do . I seriously do . I have 3 drafts of a new study that I know nothing about . But since fibromyalgia is not really holding my interest right now I figured I would post some of the intimate details of my life on the world wide web . Before I get into it I 've come to the realization that I can probably never run for congress . No one would have to dig very deep to find my secrets . I have posted them in chronological order for all the world to read at their leisure . Moving on . . . I woke up this morning all kinds of sad . ( Now you must pay attention because how I came to this sadness is about 4 fold and can only be described as classic female neurosis . ) After my shower last night it was rather hot in my room so I opened my windows . One of the good things about living in the Valley is that no matter how hot it is during the day it 's usually pretty cool at night and you don 't need the A / C . So I opened my windows and went to bed . When I woke this morning it was rather chilly in my room . It was a nice fall kind of the chilly . The chill reminded me of the autumn . Autumn invariably reminds of being in love because the longest relationship I 've ever had developed and was at its best in the fall . The person with whom I was in the relationship in the fall is also the person who I somehow managed to let annihilate my heart not once but twice . Thoughts of autumn invariably turn to him and to the fact that he is married and has moved on and for some unfathomable reason I am somehow still hurting . Not to mention ALONE . And that my dear readers is why I was sad this morning . Now before you ask , I am not one of those people who likes to hold on to old hurts . No one in their right mind would want to be in pain . So I 'm just astounded as to how I can still be this hurt this long after the fact . I really would do anything to not have this random hurt pop up at the most inopportune time . When you 're getting up at 5 : 15 to catch the train the last thing you have time for is the cNo comments : Where to be begin . . . . - TiaI have been in LA for exactly 2 weeks today . And and already I 've learned so much . I figure at some point I will go into greater detail about the trip out here and all of that jazz but for now a brief list of things since I 've been here . 1 . The 405 will make you want to hurt yourself or hurt others . - There is always traffic on the 405 no matter the time of day . The other day it took me an hour and a half to go less than 15 miles . I seriously thought that I was going to die on the freeway . Now I know why some people call them parkways . 2 . People here do not have the southern hospitality that I 'm used to . - I 'm a southern girl . Always have been , always will be . And there is something about the congeniality of the south that I have , until the last 2 weeks , taken for granted . There is something about a friendly smile from a neighbor , an " excuse me " from someone who walks in your path or a " good morning " from a co - worker in the elevator . I 'm seriously going to miss that . I have spoken to my neighbor 3 times and he never speaks back . All I have to say is don 't let any of his mail end up over here . 3 . It does rain in southern California . - . . . but it doesn 't rain a lot . It rained a week ago last Thursday . It has been 85 and sunny ever since . I LOVE it . 4 . There are no left turn arrows at any of the intersections . - Okay this is not entirely true . I can think of 2 intersections where I have seen a left turn arrow . Other than that it 's a race against time and oncoming traffic if you want to turn left . Without fail at least 3 people will run the light on the red . But I 'm learning there is seriously no other way to do it . My friend Rusty saw a really bad accident on Sunset . A man in a cargo truck ran the red trying to make a left hand turn and slammed into car that had the green . The car spun out of control and slammed ( and from what Rusty said ) and was wrapped around a telephone pole . Remarkably the driver of the car got out and walked away . Now see if there had been a left arrow this probably could have beeNo comments : The reason why I have cut my face out of the shot of me and Common is not so much because I don 't want my face on our blog . It is because I was cheesing SO bad , that my face looks like it swelled up 3 times its size ! I mean , I could not stop smiling for two days . I think I may have even sprained a muscle in my face . 6 hours before the show , I get a text from Bets ( good lookin ' out Bets . I HATE that you couldn 't join us ) asking if I could come pick up an extra all access pass that she had . I happened to be stuck in traffic right in front of her building so I whizzed right over . Just like that I went from a balcony seat ( who thought that tickets would 've sold so well here in Nashville for a hip hop show ) to right in front of the stage ! Unlike a lot of industry Nashville people , I am really not that cool . I love music too much to stand directly in front of the stage with my arms folded , barely nodding my head . So while the media people stood there shooting pics and some industry heads got their too cool for school head nods on , me and my girl ( actually , I don 't know what she was doing cause I was wiling out ) bounced up and down back and forth and recited all of the words . He opened with " Be " and he had a full band with a DJ so ill , I told him later that I would have to quit my job to be that good . " Testify " almost sent me into cardiac arrest and then he got to " Come Close " . * Sigh * He requested that a girl come dance with him on stage and my girl tried to push me to the front and I refused . THANK GOD . They slow danced for a while to Prince 's " Adore " and unless he would 've have had a heart shaped diamond solitaire in his back pocket , there was no way I would 've danced that way with him . Because soon after he picked this girl up , wrapped her legs around him and proceeded to bounce her up and down . I 'm not hatin ' on her , but I 'm not that girl . That 's my anthem ! So when he got into my favorite Common song of all time , I stood there bouncing back and forth with my hands covering my mouth , eyes wide open , and cheeks hurting from all of the glee stored up in them . And then it happened : he walked over to my side of the stage , looked into my eyes , pointed to me and started singing . And I stood there like it didn 't happen . I was in shock and denial until I looked at my girlfriend and she said " I hate you . " Then I knew that my wish did indeed come true . It was about 30 minutes after the show was over that we made the decision to go backstage and meet him . My apprehensions were due to what if he was a complete jerk ? What if he was mean or thought we were back there for sex ? What if he came out with 5 girls and was high out of his mind ? Promising to keep my expectations as low as possible , we went backstage . Walking down the hallway , we were approached by a security guard asking us what we wanted . We decided to keep it real . " We just want a picture with Common . Is that alright ? " " Oh yeah , follow me . " We waited outside his room for a while and when he and those freckles finally came out I went into what I do best : ignore and deny . No wonder that some of the guys I have dated have questioned my love for them because I have been known to completely shut my feelings off . So when Common walked up to me , standing face to face because he was polite enough to bend down ( he is way taller than me ) I did not grab his bald head and violate him in the most ungodly of ways . I mean I shut down COMPLETELY . " Thank yall for waitin ' outside for me for so long . " Those eyelashes fluttered and I knew right then that I would 've waited 6 hours because hearing that voice was worth it . We talked about his movie and I asked him if he regretted at all leaving the Kanye tour early to do it . He said that it was totally worth it and to look for it in March . " Yall were the ones rockin ' out in the front ! Word . Thanks for that " . We took our individual pics and then he picked up his bag , turned to me and gave me a big hug . I was in love for the rest of the night . I would like to end this story by saying that Lonnie and I are now registered at Target and Ikea but unfortunately I cannot . What I can say is that he was so sweet , nicer than what I expected even before I opted to keep my expectations low and I am a fan forever . BGLU NEWSFLASH - ToyaYES , I met Common and NO I did not go to jail . Pictures to follow . I am soooo in love and am going to sleep so so so good tonight . Okay , of course I am not in love but I am floating and I cannot stop smiling for anything . He was super sweet , even more beautiful in person and THOSE EYELASHES WON ' T STOP . * sigh * Jesus if you so bless me I will SURELY give you the praise . Glory glory ! ! ! It 's Toya . I ' ma keep it real and say that life has sucked these past few weeks . Not just because Tia is gone but because of the stress of numerous stressful situations that as soon as I see a glimpse of the bigger picture I will be writing about . Oh but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel . And speaking of " The Light " . . . COMMON IS COMING ! ! ! ! ! ! COMMON IS COMING ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Common and his sexy freckled face is coming to Nashville on Friday with some guy named Ludacris . Just kidding . I actually like some Ludacris songs along with a few of his cameos but overall , whatever . Let me not get on that . The important thing is Common is coming and if not for an hour , all will be right for the world . I am pondering starting a Paypal account on this site just in case I need to raise some bail money . I am SOOOO excited ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Pasttime Paradise - ToyaYou can 't trust a person that does not love Stevie Wonder . This is the same kind of person who hates ice cream , the laughter of children and popcorn . Stay away from such an individual . " Oh my God ! I 'm going to hell " . This is an email I wrote to Tia from work after having one of the worst thoughts I have ever had in my entire life . For some reason , as of late I have been thinking about past boyfriends / relationships Actually , I was thinking about friendships in general and who I have been the most comfortable around . It wasn 't long until I got to Jason ( not real name , We will call him Jason because he looks like Jason Kidd . Yes , that fine . ) Jason and I were sweethearts back when I was young and stupid enough to think that I wanted a guy who was " a challenge " . Ever heard a woman say a dumb thing like that ? Men are challenges enough as is and so are women . To want an EXTRA challenge on top of that is ridiculous . Usually women that say this have low self esteem and think that if they can just get the guy that can 't get gotten then they are worth more as women . It 's usually the challenges that make a woman feel less of a woman . Jason was so sprung on me and I ate it up selfishly . I didn 't know how to give back then . He wrote me poems , told me I was beautiful and I was his first kiss . And he was absolutely beautiful in every way imaginable ! But I wanted the challenge . I wanted to be with they guy who I referred to back in my post " The Relationship that Jacked You Up " . The guy that I am ashamed to admit made some mistakes that my future husband may have to pay for in some way or another . So I left Jason for him and Jason told him why even though I asked him not to . And even though I wore Jason out and basically told him he was the scum of the earth , he cried and wrote me poems entitled " Why Doesn 't She Love Me ? " hoping to win me back . Years went by and I was still being strung along by that same guy . Eventually Jason and I caught up again and rekindled our friendship . HeNo comments : Comfortable - ToyaI have been kidding a lot lately referring to John Mayer as " My Pastor John Mayer " much like I refer to India Arie as my play cousin . If you have never heard Comfortable , do yourself a favor and at least read the lyrics . It is hands down one of the best written songs of all time . I am sitting in Tia 's and my old condo as she packs and is talking to her new roommate on the phone . I am on the floor , missing our old couch , listening to Kenny Loggins ' Outside : from the Redwoods . This joker bought it today and I was going to buy it as part of her going away gift TOMORROW . And that 's one of the things I will miss the most . The fact that I am friends with the only other person in the world who loves Kenny Loggins as much and in the same way that I do . We met him together . We talked about " Love Will Follow " and he explained how he would like to do it in concert but " his white audience really struggles with it . " That 's hilarious ! So many of our memories involve music . That 's one of the good and bad things about music and memories : if you have good memories with a person and then your relationship is shot to hell , you can ruin the most perfect song . After a really bad situation , it was almost impossible for me to listen to Boyz II Men for at least a year . A whole year without 50 Candles ? Not fair . I remember within the first weeks of getting to know one another Tia and I would go back and forth playing " You Don 't Know Nothing About This Joint " , trying to top the others ' taste for obscure songs . I can 't remember who pulled out Deon Estus ' " Heaven Help Me " but it was pretty obvious right then that we were put together for a reason . Should we be so concerned that we will never find ( or be found by ) The One in knowing good and well that God put us together the way He did ? I think we forget that God knows us better than we know ourselves . God is good at giving us what we want and need even when we don 't know exactly what it is that we want and need . All I wanted was a place to live . God gave me that , a best friendNo comments : Yeah I know it 's been a while . I 'm moving . I 'm busy . But I 'll try to keep every one in the loop . Until then . . . All I have to say isBeyonce , who ? Hang On To Your Love - Toya I have been listening to a lot of Sade lately , mostly because I have had to go on some long behind road trips . My " " Drive " playlist has consisted mostly of Sade , John Mayer , Seal and Stevie Wonder . By the time the Mayer portion rolls around to " Quiet " , I am out like a light . I love music . I love music more than ice cream , sushi , strawberries , television , three day weekends , boys in skully knit caps and ribbed turtleneck sweaters ( hello Fall ) and randomly finding money in an old pair of jeans . I can 't imagine my life without it and besides sex ( which is remained to be seen ) , I can 't imagine loving any one thing more . And along with my love for music is my appreciation for artistry and musicianship ; that thing that is in an artist that makes them create with or without a record deal , in front of 50 , 000 people or 50 people . I love artists . I love people that express themselves musically and who in melody and prose say what other people find hard to say . My love for music and those that create it is what has propelled my life long passion of helping others achieve success in infusing the world with great music . Unfortunately , as of late the bitter taste that is in my mouth due to the industry made me question if helping others get in the business is even an ethical idea let alone a good one . Without getting into too much detail , I want to remind you of something : the devil comes to steal , kill and destroy . A friend of mine pointed this out to me one day and added that this does not just apply to people but to dreams . So when I woke up this morning to find myself questioning my life long passion , I knew that something was afoot . With Tia moving in just a few days , other friends deciding to move almost every week , and Tag and I barely speaking anymore , ( side note : he admitted something to me a few weeks back that if I wrote about it would make you want to stand in an already long line of women who want to punch him in the face ) and entering another year as the poster child for " extended singlenessNo comments : no , No , NO ! ! ! ! ! - TiaThis was black love at it 's finest and most ghetto . Ghetto Black Love . But black love nonetheless . Apparently , 2006 is the year of the reality show couple break up . Dave and Carmen . Travis and ummm what 's her name . Nick and Jessica . And NOW . . . BOBBY AND WHITNEY ! ! ! ! ! BOOOOOOOO ! ! ! ! ! damn , Damn , DAMN ! ! ! ! ! ! - ToyaI will say this : It will be an ice cold day in hell before I let some cameras into my home . I am STILL not over this mess here : ( Say what you want about me but Travis could holla . OH Travis could holla ! ) There were two things that you used to be able to count on : 1 ) If they were looking for a serial murderer , chances were he wasn 't black and 2 ) No matter who got divorced you knew that Bobby and Whitney were staying together . Both of these theories have been shot to hell . JESUS PART THE SKY ! ! ! ! It 's official - Tia I 'm MOVING ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! We ( my new roommate Crista and I ) got approved for an apartment in Sherman Oaks . It is the bomb . com , not . net , not . org , . COM . It has a huge living room , tiny kitchen , decent size living room and HUGE dual masters . There is a PF Changs and Cheesecake Factory in walking ( well at least biking ) distance and it 's about a mile from a train station . Which is great because I have to ride the train out to Irvine everyday . It 's sunny . It 's . . . . GREAT ! ! ! I 'm so excited . And so scared . . . . . Oh my gosh , I 'm moving in 3 weeks . Holy Crap . . . . Somebody hold me . . . . Behold . . . . my theme songHAWK NELSON - CaliforniaVideo Code provided by PlaceVideo . com BGLU Music News - ToyaI just did something tonight that I have never done before . I went to Tower a little bit before midnight with another music junkie friend just in time for the New Release Tuesday rush . It was a good Tuesday for music : " Your Boy " , Lionel Richie , Citizen Cope and BGLU fave John Mayer all came out today . Even though my friend offered to buy me a copy of the new John Mayer , I declined because I wanted to hear it first . That sounds crazy being as though I bought the last one the day it came out but I don 't know . I was a little fearful that John was on some " new stuff " . We got in the car and like little kids at Christmas , we ripped open the wrapping of every CD with John first . I started reading the lyrics and realize that the album while great is a little bit of a disappointment to me and this is of no fault of his . When Room for Squares came out it was my soundtrack for where I was then as with Heavier Things . I can 't really relate to this new one at all . Kind of like where Mary left me after " Share My World " . I know she just wanted to " be Mary " but she lost me after the third record . Again , not her fault . The songs I am really feeling from John 's Continuum are " In Repair " and " Stop This Train " . As for " Your Boy 's " record , it 's pretty monotonous . Not nearly as diverse as Justified was . " Until the End of Time " is one of the best songs Prince NEVER wrote and as much as that annoys me , I have a difficult time hating any song that sounds like that . Not to mention , it 's a little " Thicke - ish " in spots as well . On the bright side , Matt Morris co - wrote the last song ( where IS that dude , good Lord ! ) and Rick Rubin produced it . Still don 't know if he 's getting my money yet . I may need to buy a previously loved copy . In more music news / critique , I hate Beyonce 's new record . I am so tired of " tracks " . Someone play some daggone instruments ! But what I am LOVING right now is the The Blue Album which is the new Diana Ross jazz album that came out . It 's air , I am so serious . Buy Corinne Bailey Rae 's album . Period . ( RNo comments : Remember - Tia Sorry about the font size earlier . I posted from a friend 's computer and it was a little bootleg . Our parents can remember where they were when Dr . King , John Kennedy and Bobby Kennedy were assassinated . Our generation , while blessed to never have to have dealt with an assassination , we have had to deal with one of the greatest tragedies in our nation 's history . And we remember . . . I remember exactly where I was when I found out about the Trade Centers . I had 2 job interviews that day . I needed a job so I had to get moving . I heard on the radio that a plane had hit one of the towers but I didn 't think much of it . I figured the pilots had made a tragic error but nothing more . I hadn 't even bothered to turn on the television . I went to my interview and found everyone sitting around watching a small black and white television . It was only then that I found out that it had not been one plane but possibly 4 . I finished my first interview and went to my second . The information was still sketchy at that point and all I wanted to do was get home and find out what the hell was going on . I spent the remainder of the day in front of the television . At points there were tears running down my face . I could not understand how someone would do this on purpose . I had to fight the hate that welled up in me . My heart ached for the victims , for the families of victims . . . for my country . And now , half a decade later , the pain is still fresher than I would have thought . As I sit here watching memorial services and actual footage of that day , my heart still hearts . The tears still come . I still remember that day . It feels like it just happened . And it didn 't even happen to me . My prayers go out to the families of the victims . And I know that I will never forget . And I hope you won 't either . Tell ME JC can 't sing - tiaI know this is overkill but it 's still a good video and it proves my point that JC is a great singer . WHYYYY . . . . Didn 't I know it . . . . . WHYYYYYY . . . . . Didn 't I show it . I am almost GIDDY watching this . I think I had one too many glasses of wine at dinner . But it was a business dinner and I was talking and running my mouth and the waitress kept filling my glass . . . no excuse . . . I knowokay for real I 'm finished . It 's just that I figured out how to post youtube videos to the site . We were having some issues before . . . . hmmmm - TiaI don 't know how I feel about this . This is one of my favourite Tears for Fears songs . So frankly I just don 't know how I feel about the MMC doing this particular track . I do know that I STILL love me some JC . Damn a Justin Timberlake . JC got voice . Granted Justin is a great entertainer and a decent singer . But JC got that voice . Say he don 't . . . . and I will send you a million videos of JC singing like his life depended on it . Justin is all nasal passage but JC sings like someone shot his dog in front of him . There is a pain and an anguish ( and some talent ? ) that Justin in my opinion just doesn 't have . Hate me if you want . You know I 'm right . No comments : Steelo Stealer or Swagger Jacker - TiaSo by now we have all at the very least seen the VMA 2006 performances . I didn 't watch the show . I just went to MTV and watched the performances . From the little bit of the show that I did initially see I was uninterested in watching the re - play . The performance I was most interested in was Beyonce . I had heard more Janet Jackson comparisons than I knew what to do with and wanted to see it for myself . Well apparently , Ms . Jackson if you 're nasty is not the only one who got her steelo stolen . Some hard to ignore pictures have surfaced of Ms . HOV looking a lot like Ms . Spederline at the AMAs 3 years ago . Now these are probably just a coincidence . Poor planning by B 's styling team aka Mama Knowles . But well . . . it 's not looking good . I frankly find the whole thing amusing . Especially considering Beyonce kinda got her swagger jacked last year by Mariah . It 's just proves what I 've been saying for a while now , ain 't nothing new really coming out of hip - hop and R & B . Signs of the coming apocalypse - Tia There are wars and rumors of wars . And as Toya put it , if this story is true , the lion has officially laid down with the lamb and Jesus is soon coming to crack the sky . There are rumors flying about that Jessica Simpson and JOHN MAYER ! ! ! ! ! are dating . Yes , each other . Now to me , that doesn 't even sound logical . I don 't have anything against Jessica Simpson but they just don 't seem like they would be compatible . In Comfortable , the type of girl that John Mayer said that he wanted was the antithesis of Jessica Simpson . Gray sweatpants , no make - up , some one who could distinguish Miles from Coltrane . I bet if you asked Jessica Simpson who Miles Davis was she 'd probably have no idea . Anyway , all that to say , if this is indeed true John Mayer has officially lost my respect . I 'm still gonna buy his album though . Don 't get it twisted . No comments : Mr . Biggs goes to jail - TiaI thought I read somewhere that Mr . Biggs aka Ron Isley had been indicted on tax evasion . It was on some British site , NME . com . ( Random aside : Why do the Brits have U . S . R & B on lock but Luther can die and it 's a 5 - second blip on CNN in the states ? Just wondering . ) I kinda figured that it was a typo or something because I hadn 't heard word one about it over here . Anyway , turns out NME . com was ahead of the curve . Mr . Biggs is going to the Big House . And for what . . . TAX EVASION ! ! ! Ain 't that some . . . . That , in my humble opinion , is one of lamest thing to go to jail for . If you do a song with Snoop and JT , then you CERTAINLY have enough money to hire an accountant . And your wife is pregnant . . . bad move Mr . Biggs . Bad move . No comments : eating my words ( and actually glad to in this case ) . . . . Go Get Robin Thicke 's Album When It Comes Out . It 's Worth It ( I could tell you how I know but then you may have to come up missing . Just trust me . ) - Toya My Take on the MTV VMA 's ( which should stand for Videos Mostly Absent . When was the last time you saw a whole video on MTV ? ) - Toya1 . Your Boy ( Note that Justin Timberlake will here on out be referred to as Your Boy because I am still pissed at how he threw janet Jackson under the bus ) , Cameron Diaz 's young tenderoni , brought " SexyBack " for the show 's opener . Let me tell the truth and shame the devil and say that I loved both songs he sang . He makes me so mad but I love his music so stinkin ' much . " Dirty baaaaaaaaabe " . . . . 2 . Lou Reed is STILL alive ? 3 . KIM IS BACK ! ! ! ! I love Lil ' Kim . Is it a surprise that she went to jail for perjury ? She told yall what she was willing to do in Mary 's " I Can Love You " : " Under pressure I 'd lie for you / Die for you ? / Cougar by the thigh for you / Right hand high for you " 4 . How did James Blunt win ? ? ? ? ! ! ! ! ! He sounds like Jimmy Fallon on too much caffeine to me . 5 . If Common doesn 't win it is a DAMN shame . But then again so is MTV . See " My Humps " won for best Hip Hop video . Come King Jesus and part the sky . 6 . Wonder what Janet Jackson is home doing tonight . 7 . If Shakira 's Hips Don 't Lie , they should 've told her that doing this song with Wyclef was a WACK idea . 8 . They are now advertising MTV3 . How much you wanna bet that they won 't play any videos either ? 9 . Kelly Clarkson won for Best Female Video over Christina Aguileira ? ? ? Who is VOTING ? 10 . Lil ' Jon - Two things I hate right now : any grown anus man that will name himself Lil ' or Young anything and any song telling me what the hell to do : Lean with it , rock with hit , snap my fingers , drop it , touch it . I have some instructions for you : Leave . Me . Alone . 11 . Pussycat Dolls came out for Ludacris and at first glance I was secretly hoping they were the Spice Girls . Not that I actually like the Spice Girls but it would 've made the show just that more interesting . By the way , and I am not crazy , Pussycat Dolls actually have some good songs on their record . 12 . Why did it say PANTS in huge letters behind Jessica Simpson when she presented the award for BeNo comments : The Mentality of Poverty - Tia ( Sorry if I come off preachy on this one . It 's just this is something that 's been bothering me for a while . ) I had a really disturbing conversation with my mother the other day . I think the reason that I was so bothered by it was because her statements reflect the mindset of a lot of people . As y ' all probably know by now I 'm planning on moving to the west coast in the fall . ( My job is trying to put the breaks on it but it 's working out , so no worries . ) Anyway , a couple of my dad 's old friends from back in the day came by to appraise the house . They 're both realtors and agreed to split the commission and cut my dad a break in light of his current condition . Plus they 're road dawgs from way back . Omegas ( not Q 's ) and such . After the realtors left my mother called and we talked about the normal stuff before getting around to what my day entailed . I told her that I didn 't think I was going to do anything because I was a little tired and I 'd just led a guided tour of the house for the realtors . She seemed stunned . She asked , " Your dad is really going to sell the place ? " Tia : Yeah , with his health it 's just more stress than it 's worth . " Mom : But that 's always been your home . ( For those of you who don 't know , my mom , my brother and I used to be homeless . And the one stable thing in all of that was my maternal grandparents house and my father 's house . When my grandparents died my aunt sold their house so the only place that I 've always known I could go to , the place that 's always been the same is my dad 's house , the place I currently rent . ) T : Yeah . But it 's just the best thing for him right now . M : Well , what will you do if things don 't work out in LA ? T : What do you mean ? M : Where will you go if he sells the house ? You won 't have any where to go if things don 't work out in LA . What will you do ? T : I have a job , 2 savings accounts and a 401 ( k ) And that 's when it dawned on me . Because of the poor choices my mother made that left us homeless and later on left her living below the poverty line , she reallNo comments :
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I 've always loved Daphne du Maurier 's short stories and have read quite a lot of them . She is very good at the form and especially talented at telling stories that are suspenseful or unnerving . Some of my favorite short stories are by her and if they 've not been filmed they are certainly quite cinematic in their telling , if you know what I mean . I have a collection of stories , which I have dipped into before , that is a collection of ' ghost stories ' presented by Virago Press and the Asham Award ( now defunct ? ) called Something Was There . . . , edited by Kate Pullinger . The collection contains sixteen stories by writers who submitted their work and were chosen for inclusion - - fifteen by contemporary authors and one story that had been recently discovered by Daphne du Maurier called " The Happy Valley " . This is a most delicious story of dreamlike quality , a story of déja vu that is quite unsettling . Can you dream your future , or are you pulling things only from the past , and what happens when the dream becomes , or takes on a reality ? " When she first used to see the valley it was in dreams , little odd snatches remembered on waking , and then becoming easily dimmed and lost in the turmoil of the day . " The dream is of a house in a valley with a stream running by . Each time the unnamed narrator would dream of it she would feel a sense of peace and familiarity . She could sense herself walking about it and know it was part of her life , but most importantly it gave her a sense of safety . When she would wake from this dream it would fade from memory and she could never recall exactly how it would unfold or if it followed a particular sequence . Curiously she had suffered from an illness that caused her to be ever more absent - minded , and her aunt would tell her it was like living with a ghost , like someone who was not there . But then she knew she did not belong there , that she was waiting for something to start . Something does happen - - she is , as her aunt tells her - - in a moony sort of mood - - and walks straight into a car , which knocks her to the ground . When the man driving comes to her aid she feels like she knows him , there is a sense of familiarity about him . She is white with shock , from seeing his face . Some fragment of memory , so fleeting , is instantly gone like the dream she has which departs at daybreak . But there is something about this moment , it has started something , the cycle has begun . And when they have married he teases her about how the morning after they met he called her and roused her from sleep . On their honeymoon he takes her to the shire where he grew up , a shire she remembers being colored yellow in her atlas at school . One morning while he attends to filling up the gas tank and looking after the car , she takes a stroll in the countryside . There she follows a road to the bend in the river and down to the beach , but the scene seems to change and become silent as if due to her presence . The path dips and she begins to climb downwards into a valley , where she sees a house . She walks up to it and looks in the window , and sees the most unusual of scenes . . . Déja vu . Has it happened ? Or maybe something is going to happen ? A waking dream that feels so real ? Her husband finds her wandering along the beach wondering if she fell again , or is hurt since she seems to just be mooning about again . But the dream has left her . " The memory of what had been gone from her . " Maybe some memories are best left forgotten ? I 've pulled out my copy of Louisa May Alcott 's A Marble Woman , which contains some of her " unknown thrillers " . I 'm hoping for another good ghost ( or otherwise ) story for next weekend . Hmm . Maybe I will only read stories by women for this RIP . I 'm a great fan of Daphne du Maurier , so when I discovered last year that a collection of short stories , which included a few that had not appeared in any previous collections , was coming out I snapped it up immediately . Typical of my book buying habits , however , I haven 't gotten around to reading it until now . Actually I realized when I had the book in hand that quite a few of the stories had been published in a rather scarce 1959 collection titled Early Stories , which I had just gotten through interlibrary loan and had been in the process of reading . Enough time has passed now that I feel like reading ( or in this case rereading ) more of Daphne du Maurier 's short stories , so I pulled out my copy of The Doll this weekend . I only wish I would have remembered to check out from my library the US edition of the collection in order to compare introductions . The Doll was published by Virago in the UK and William Morrow in the US . Supposedly these are the " lost " stories of du Maurier , so perhaps they 've all now been accounted for ? I have my own ' bibliography ' of sorts that I created a while back . If I don 't already own all her collections , I 'm getting close . I 've been slowly reading my way through them . If you 've read her before you 'll know she has a particular knack for writing stories of psychological suspense which often verge on the macabre . Actually now that I think of it maybe most of the stories by her I 've read would fit in that category . Certainly those are the ones that stick in mind . So I 've started reading The Doll : Short Stories and am reminded all over again why I like her . Short stories can be really hard to pull off . An author has very limited space ( though in the case of du Maurier her stories tend to be anywhere from 15 - 50 pages ) to make their case / tell their story . With Daphne du Maurier I 've almost always felt pretty sated and satisfied when I 've read her work . There doesn 't necessarily need to be a twist ( though in stories such as these there often is ) but I want to feel like I 've been somewhere and experienced something and that so have the characters . My measure is whether I feel like I 've inhabited another world for a little while . " East Wind " opens the collection . A perfect murderous story with just the right amount of atmosphere for a Sunday afternoon during RIP season . Polly Samson in her introduction calls it du Maurier 's strongest story , which she wrote when she was only nineteen . The setting is the small , rocky island of St . Hilda 's where the local residents have lived peaceably for generations , intermarrying yet leading untroubled existences . " There was only the island . Beyond it lay the ghostly , the intangible ; the truth was in the seared rock , in the touch of the soil , in the sound of the waves breaking against the cliffs . This was the belief of the humble fisherfolk , and they cast their nets during the day , and gossiped over the harbour wall at evening with never a thought of the lands across the sea . " But then the east wind arrives - - hot and dry - - and with it a ship exotic sailors . They are tall and dark with almond shaped eyes and gleaming white teeth , and a ship laden with bottles of brandy . " Something of madness seemed to fall upon the people of St . Hilda 's . Their nets lay neglected and unmended beside their cottage doors , the fields and flowers remained untended on the hills above their village . There was no interest in their lives but the sailors from the ship . " I think much has already been written about " The Doll " , which is indeed a quirky story quite unlike any I 've read before . It opens with a foreword explaining the circumstances of the story . Soiled and sodden , pages from a diary are found tucked into a man 's pocket book , which was wedged between rocks near a bay . Just what happened to the writer is unknown . " I want to know if men realise when they are insane . Sometimes I think that my brain cannot hold together , it is filled with too much horror - - too great a despair . And there is no one ; I have never been so unutterably alone . Why should it help me to write this ? . . . Vomit forth the poison in my brain . " The writer had been passionately attracted to a young woman named Rebecca who could not return his love for she has a passion of her own . It comes in the form of a mechanical doll with moving parts which she has named Julio and keeps locked in a room with a divan . It 's a disturbing story really , and one that you must wonder where the inspiration came from to a young woman of only twenty . And this was in the 1920s , so it must have been shocking to readers at the time when it was published in 1928 . I 've always thought Daphne du Maurier was a complex woman , and perhaps not one I might like in real life , but I 've always found her intriguing . Enough so that I have wanted to read all of her work ( and have been very slowly making my way through her writings ) . Samson notes that " young du Maurier 's preoccupations hand close to the surface in many of the earliest stories " , so while not all of the stories in this collection may be her best they do give insight into what themes she will continue to explore . I 'll be reading the rest of the stories in this collection , and perhaps writing more about them later Posted on September 09 , 2012 in Books , Classics , Daphne du Maurier , Early 20th C . Fiction , Ghost Stories , R . I . P . VII , Short Stories | Permalink Look what came in the mail for me this month , Daphne du Maurier 's The Doll : Short Stories . This is the collection just released by Virago , which includes stories that had been published in magazines or US story collections but " lost " and forgotten . The Guardian wrote about it earlier this year . It looks like only a very few stories are newly reprinted , as eight are from the collection I just finished reading , Early Stories . This is a good thing actually ( though I wouldn 't have minded more stories that were rediscoveries ) , as Early Stories is a very difficult and expensive collection to come by . I had to borrow it from a library via interlibrary loan and it is long since returned to the loaning library . I wrote about the stories in the first half of the 1959 collection here , and now it 's time to write about the rest before the details fade too much from mind . It 's been interesting reading some of Daphne du Maurier 's early work . Many of the stories follow a similar pattern - - telling a story that ends in an ironic twist of fate or presents a morality tale of sorts . Not many have du Maurier 's trademark atmosphere with an unnerving sense about them , but there are definitely a few hints of what 's to come later . In The Supreme Artist an aging actor who has a starring role opposite an attractive younger actress is met backstage by a woman who claims the two had an intimate relationship in their more youthful days . He remembers nothing of their prior history but goes along with her stories anyway filling in odd details , but not getting many of them right . When the woman leaves and the actress returns she asks who the old woman with the white hair is , playing into the man 's vanities and fears . The Reverend James Hollaway makes another appearance in Angels and Archangels . Away recovering from the flu at the home of one of his distinguished friends a young curate takes over his parish temporarily . He manages to offend and alienate the swanky parishioners of St . Swithins ' to the point where they stop attending mass . The charismatic young curate , however , has no problem filling pews and appealing to the more downtrodden souls of London , which does nothing to endear him to Reverend Hollaway who gets his revenge and shows his true colors in the process . I 'd read Indiscretion before , but this is a story I didn 't mind revisiting . Du Maurier asks the question ' how many people 's lives are ruined by a moment 's indiscretion . The story 's narrator goes to lunch with his boss regaling him with the story of a woman he met by chance and who duped him . Fate has a way of tricking those who are seemingly self - assured . Fairy Tale really is a fairy tale of sorts . This is another story with bleak overtones but a happy ending . Once again chance or perhaps fate intervenes in an otherwise unhappy life in a surprising way . It concerns money lenders who have no pity and secret boxes that should contain a very few dollars but is empty when raided in a moment of desperation . In The Closing Door a happy young couple is confronted with life - altering news , though only one of the two understands what the news means while the other makes assumptions , and worse , passes judgement not understanding the repercussions of her narrow minded views . For me The Lover was the least effective story in the collection . A total cad plays up to all the women in his cricle and takes advantage of their generosity . Sorry , very vague , but my notes are rather sketchy on this one for some reason . Leading Lady is another story set in the theater world . This time a famous actress whose beauty is beginning to wane agrees to work with a new producer . She doesn 't like or respect him , but he 's successful and wants to give her a big role opposite an up and coming actor . The problem is , the actor is a little too good at what he does . The producer has a high moral standard , which the actress ( very immorally ) uses to trip up anyone who poses a threat to her . Nothing Hurts for Long are words that are easier to say to someone else than to apply to one 's own life ( or to assume they need be applied . . . ) . A young woman very much in love with her husband , who has been away traveling , has very little time or sympathy for a distraught friend whose own husband has just left her . It 's best not to be smug in situations where you think you have the upper hand . Week - End is much like Frustration in it 's tone and light heartedness . Two lovers go away for a romantic weekend but end up with a different opinion of each other after a soggy boat trip . Sweet , caressing words turn to animosity . I 've been enjoying reading Daphne du Maurier 's Early Stories , which I had to request from another library through interlibrary loan . As much as I would love to own this ( I 've been collecting DdM 's books for a while now and think she 's an exceptional short story writer ) , it 's not only long out of print but the used copies are also well out of my budget . I did a little run down of the story collections by her that I 'm aware of , and soon I 'll be able to add The Doll : Short Stories to my list ( I hear a few of the stories in this Early Stories collection are also included in The Doll ) . I 'm trying to patiently wait for my copy to come in the mail , and since I 'm immersed in this volume I 'm not doing too badly so far ( but still can 't wait to get it ) . I 've been trying to slowly work my way through all her short stories , so this collection has been quite interesting . They were written between 1927 and 1930 when the author was under twenty - three and before she had published her first novel . All had appeared in various periodicals at the time . Although most of the stories in this collection aren 't quite on par with her later work , most are still surprisingly sophisticated and all are well written . I 'm nearly finished with the collection , which has eighteen stories but so far only one has the trademark du Maurier dark atmosphere - - suspense verging on horror . But they all have a sense of irony about them , often coming with a twist at the end . And the stories are often about social ills of the period but aren 't in any way heavy handed . Very impressive for a writer only in her early twenties ! As there are too many stories to write about in one post , I 'm splitting them up and will give a little taste of each , but no worries as I won 't give away endings . Panic is the most atmospheric of the group I 've read . It has elements of horror about it with a nice oppressive feel to it . A young couple travels to Paris for a bit of a fling only to find the city 's hotels filled . They end up in a drab , dreary place in Montparnasse that has obviously seen better days . What began as an exciting adventure turns into something very sordid . The woman suddenly seems younger and less experienced than first thought by her suitor as the hotel gives off an ominous feel . I 'd read La Saint Vierge before as it has appeared in other collections . Although not my favorite story is it is very polished . A young Breton wife worries over her fisherman husband who is preparing once again to go to sea for his work . She 's little more than a peasant girl with little education but much love that 's not quite reciprocated by her handsome husband . She begs the Virgin to look out for her husband and asks for a sign her prayer has been heard . In A Difference in Temperament a married couple , who in reality love each other , talk at cross purposes . Although they try and communicate they end up not listening and miscommunicate their feelings and then misinterpret the responses . How often does that happen ? ! And Now to God the Father is one of my favorite stories so far . Reverend James Hollaway is the Vicar of St . Swithins ' Church of Upper Chesham St . , one of the more wealthy London neighborhoods . He 's well liked and well respected by his upper class parishioners . A very fastidious man , he looks younger than his years and well knows it . He 's happy to give advice to all who seek it , though he has an unfortunate tendency to be shallow , hypocritical and self - serving . If you 've ever thought of reinventing yourself or perhaps just running away , Adieu Sagesse might be a good blueprint . Richard Furgerson might be a dull man living with a charming family in a small town with small town attitudes , but he 'll get the last laugh . Adieu Sagesse is not du Maurier 's only light - hearted ( though somewhat satirical ) story , Frustration is another humorous example of her abilities . After a seven year engagement a young couple marries despite the advice their families have against it . Their suggestion was to wait another seven years and plan properly . The groom has few prospects but the couple is tired of their very chaste wait . They happily marry only to have everything that can go wrong , well , go wrong . Piccadilly is a morality tale of sorts . A young woman who 's in service falls for the wrong man . If only she had not been so superstitious . She looked for the right signs , but made all the wrong choices . The things we do for love and the consequences that follow . . . Quite a bitter story . Tame Cat is another story of a young woman 's downfall , though this time it is through no fault of her own . The young woman in this story is simply very young and naive on the inside , while outwardly she is a blooming flower . Her education comes at a cost of a mother 's love and trust . Mazie is a bleak story of a woman on the game , so to speak . She has no money and no future . She goes into dress shops to just look but gets shooed out when the clerks spot her more than once . She dreams of a better life , but you just know she 's not going to get it . Even walking barefoot on a sandy beach is out of her reach . This is almost more a portrait than a story . I 've got a handful of stories left to read and will write about those next week . The illustration ( for Panic ) I 've included in my post is one of several in the book , though the artist 's name is not given . I might just have to pick up one of Daphne du Maurier 's novels to read next before diving into another collection of stories . Many thanks for the suggestions on which book ( s ) to choose for Once Upon a Time . I 've narrowed the stack down and plan on starting with Fire and Hemlock by Diana Wynne Jones . So many people recommended her books in general and that one specifically I decided to start there ( sadly it seems to be out of print , but my library had it ) , though I 'm very tempted by a number of other books . So I think I 'll keep the stack close by ( just in case ) for a while with Susanna Clarke 's Jonathan Strange & Mr . Norell on top . I don 't want to take on too much , but I like being optimistic about my reading . I 'm very excited about a library book I brought home this week . I had to request it through interlibrary loan and there aren 't many copies out there , so I was pleased that a library was willing to loan it to me . It 's Early Stories by Daphne du Maurier . According to the preface all the stories were written between 1927 - 1930 before her first novel was published . She was not yet twenty - three when she wrote these , so they should be very interesting . The book is a Bantam Books edition published in1949 . Just in case there are any DdM fans out there that might be interested it contains the following stories : Panic , La Sainte - Vierge , A Difference in Temperament , And Now to God the Father , Adieu Sagesse , Frustration , Piccadilly , Tame Cat , Mazie , The Supreme Artist , Angels and Archangels , Indiscretion , Fairy Tale , The Closing Door , The Lover , Leading Lady , Nothing Hurts for Long and Week - End . I 'll be putting this collection on the back burner temporarily while I read her Early Stories . Although some of the stories have since been republished in other collections , most are new to me . This will be a teaser for the new Virago collection , The Doll , coming out in May . I finished The Painted Veil by W . Somerset Maugham yesterday and was quite bowled over by it . I think I 'm going to rank Maugham up there as a favorite author . His prose reminds me of William Maxwell and Wallace Stegner - - beautiful , simple yet sophisticated and very polished . I need to ponder this one for a few days before trying to write about it . I decided to pick up E . M . Forster 's ( whose prose I also love ) Maurice next . Although the Maugham was quite satisfying , I 'm not sure I 'd call it a really happy ending ( need to think on it ) , and I want to read a classic with an ( assured ) happy ending , which I am told Maurice has . Also I just really want to read more of Forster 's books . I know I should be thinking about this year 's book list ( which I tell myself I am determined to actually read ALL of ) , that has a number of classics , but I 'm just not " there " at the moment . I keep telling myself there is Plenty of time yet , as April begins tomorrow ! I was excited to see that Virago is going to be reissuing more of Winifred Holtby 's books . I was lucky enough to win a copy of South Riding not too long ago . I 've got it on hand and am going to try and read it before it airs on Masterpiece Theatre early in May . As a side note I had been watching the original Upstairs Downstairs productions from 1971 - 1975 , but I had better step things up as the remake will be airing in April ( watch the trailer here ) . I rarely get excited about TV , but along with all the Masterpiece productions that I can 't wait to watch I 'm also very curious about the AMC remake of the Danish show The Killing , which begins this weekend . I would greatly prefer to see the Hugely Successful original , but apparently we aren 't getting it over here . I can 't decide whether it 's a matter of the powers that be thinking Americans just won 't read subtitles ( maybe they won 't ? ) or thinking they can possibly improve on it ( which I 'm sort of doubtful , though I might be proven wrong ) , but I 'm willing to give it a try . Maybe the episodes are available online somewhere ? ? And one last thing . I was very excited to discover that I have won a Library Thing early review copy of S . J . Bolton 's Now You See Me . I 've been a great fan of her work since she published her first book . When I saw it on the list of new review copies I had to put my name in the drawing , but I didn 't expect to get one . It 's been ages since I 've tried , so this was a pleasant surprise . And the best thing is I won 't have to wait until June to read it . I hope to see it in the mailbox soon . Since I have lots of reading lined up , I had better go get to it ! Posted on March 31 , 2011 in Books , Daphne du Maurier , Reading Notes | Permalink Because I can 't stand the anticipation of waiting for the new short story collection , The Doll , by Daphne du Maurier I decided that I should read one of the collections I have sitting here unread in the interim . I 'm sure I 've mentioned it before , but it 's worth repeating - - Daphne du Maurier was an excellent short story writer . Her stories are generally between twenty and forty pages so there is ample time to develop characters and plots . Often the stories are dark and atmospheric and " The Alibi " , the first story from The Breaking Point : Short Stories , is no different . You never quite know what you are in for when you start reading a short story . I 'm familiar with du Maurier 's more famous stories , but almost all the stories in this collection are unfamiliar to me . The eight collected here are suspenseful tales where she " explored the boundaries of reality and imagination " . " The Alibi " begins in an unassuming manner , but it takes on a very macabre tone . A married couple are out on a leisurely Sunday afternoon stroll , but it becomes obvious very quickly that something is not quite right with the husband . He urges his wife to return home as he 'd like to walk at a faster pace to get a little exercise and her high heels put her at a disadvantage . And now let me share just exactly what is in his head . " ' They don 't know , ' he thought , ' those people inside , how one gesture of mine , now , at this minute might alter their world . A knock on the door , and someone answers - - a woman yawning , an old man in carpet slippers , a child sent by its parents in irritation ; and according to what I will , what I decide , their whole future will be decided . Faces smashed in . Sudden murder . Theft . Fire ' . It was as simple as that . " " He looked at his watch . Half - past three . He decided to work on a system of numbers . He would walk down three more streets , and then , depending upon the name of the street in which he found himself , and how many letters it contained , choose the number of his destination . " This is not what I was expecting . Very creepy . Remind me again not to open the door to strangers ( well , I wouldn 't anyway , but still ) . I 'm only a quarter of the way into the story , but he has already found a possible victim and is hoping to rent a room in her basement flat and need I tell you what he might use it for ? Naw , better not . I am hoping this is one of those stories that is simply a dark fantasy , but with Daphne du Maurier , nothing is ever completely simple . I finished Joseph O ' Connor 's Ghost Light and it is indeed as exquisite a read as I thought midway through the novel . Can I go back and elaborate on a few initial perceptions ? It did take me a while to orient myself , but the second person narration wasn 't nearly so jarring as I first thought . As a matter of fact after I gave myself a chance to get caught up in the story I didn 't even think about it . Molly narrates the story , though it moves about in time and the tense shifts about , but Molly has such a unique voice it wasn 't a bad place to be at all - - inside her head for much of the story . Why I was confused about Molly and her sister is now beyond me , but I think I sometimes make stories harder than they actually are . Sometimes it 's better not to worry about all the small details up front and just get a grasp of what 's going on - - the rest will follow . I do want to note that O ' Connor emphasizes that his story of J . M . Synge and Molly Allgood / Maire O ' Neill is highly fictionalized . He took liberties with the facts in creating his story , but he does give reading suggestions if you want to learn more about the two . And interestingly he grew up a mile from the house where John Synge and his mother lived their last years . How 's that for inspiration ? Kimbofo at Reading Matters was lucky enough to have recently heard him speak , do go take a peek at her post complete with photo of O ' Connor . I 've already set this one aside in my mind as a favorite read of the year . You 'll never guess what I 've started reading next . My niece is a reluctant reader . I try and press books on her and talk about reading , but she is usually pretty indifferent . If I spot her reading it 's because her mom has told her she needs to spend a little time each night reading a book or her teacher has given her homework , but it never seems to be due to her own initiative . It 's almost always a matter of getting the right book to the right reader , isn 't it ? She has apparently found that book . Chasing Alliecat by Rebecca Fjelland Davis is the book she is reading in class at the moment and she has been totally captivated by it . She was telling me about it and I told her it did sound good , and maybe I should read it when she finished . Little did I know that she would go back to her teacher and ask her for another copy for me to read , too . So she instead pressed a book into my hands ! I 'm not a big reader of YA literature , but how can I not read along when she is so excited about the story ? Besides I want to give her all the encouragement I can so she will look for more books . I 've only just started reading ( she has already been grilling me on the story ) but it seems like a good adventure story with a dash of mystery . The story revolves around three teens ( they 're about sixteen ) in a small Minnesota town . The main protagonist , along with her younger brother , is staying with relatives while their parents are away . While riding their mountain bikes the three come across what appears to be the body ( he 's on the verge of death ) of a priest . One of the three disappears and things really begin to get interesting . The first day my niece brought the book home , she wanted to sit and read together ( will miracles never cease ? ) , and then last night she was ready to start talking about the story - - barely able to contain her excitement . I agree , though , this is a story that does grab you from the start . I think we all know what I 'll be reading for the next couple of days ! It 's that time of year again . The Longlist for the Orange Prize will be announced next Wednesday . I think I only managed to read one book from the Longlist , and that not even the winner . I bought a number of them , which still sit waiting for me . Jackie at Farmlane Books has made her predictions of what might appear on this year 's list . I swear I am always reading loads of books but they never seem to coincide with the books that make prize lists . I 'm still always curious about them , if only to find a few more good books to read . This is already old news , but I am excited about it anyway . Did you know Virago is publishing several previously uncollected short stories by Daphne du Maurier ? A bookseller with an interest in du Maurier 's work has been searching for stories which appeared in magazines in the UK and US . The Doll will be published in the UK in May and the US in November . I 'm not sure I 'll be able to wait that long and will likely be splurging on a UK edition of the book . Maybe I should read one of the story collections I already have on hand by her ? I 've been a fan of her short stories for a while now as well . And the books in my photo ? I 've not been sharing many of my library finds lately ( at least not the newer releases ) , so I thought I 'd show you what I brought home last night . The Hopkins Manuscript by R . C . Sherriff is a science fiction novel - - Sherriff imagines what would happen if the moon crashed into the earth . I had not thought this was something I might like , but after reading a number of favorable reviews I thought it might make an interesting read after all . Catherine Aird 's Past Tense is a police procedural featuring DCI Sloan and DC Crosby . Aird has written a number of mysteries , so I am coming in on the story well into the middle of it all . Maybe it won 't matter . And the book on the bottom of the pile is the one I 've just started . Very serendipitously I had just read a review in NYTBR about Imogen Robertson 's Instruments of Darkness and it also happened to be on the hold shelf at my library . This is a mystery set in late 1700s Sussex . I 'm not making the same mistake twice . There is a line of readers for this one . . . . I 'm starting to read now rather than waiting until the weekend before it 's due back at the library . Posted on March 10 , 2011 in Books , Contemporary Fiction , Daphne du Maurier , Historical Fiction , Library Books , Mysteries , Reading Notes , Short Stories | Permalink The now defunct Common Reader ( a wonderful by mail book company ) called Daphne du Maurier 's My Cousin Rachel a ' thumping good read ' and I heartily concur with that description . I tend to be sympathetic towards female protagonists , or if not sympathetic at least I can find some common ground on which to relate to them , but I was very skeptical of Rachel , Countess Sangalletti , as I was reading . All the way to the end I had uncertainties about her as well as young Philip Ashley , the narrator of the story . I should know by now an author is unlikely to let the reader off the hook when they can get away with clouding the story in order to give it nice edges and dark corners , though really I should put it down to the skill of Daphne du Maurier to keep the reader wondering and indecisive about intentions and motivations of the characters . Much is left up to the reader to decide and interpret , but I should really start at the beginning . Orphaned at a young age Philip Ashley was raised by his uncle Ambrose , a confirmed and somewhat curmudgeonly bachelor . The two are quite content to live in their all - male domain , dogs trailing after them , no heed paid to muddy boots , and evenings spent in the library with pipes in hand . But an illness made worse by the harsh Cornish weather compels Ambrose to seek a warmer and more conducive environment where he can recuperate , so he chooses Italy where he can also search for plants to bring home to his garden . The unthinkable occurs when Ambrose writes that he has married . In Florence he met a distant relative , a cousin of Italian - Cornish ancestry , who has been widowed . Rachel has a shared love of gardens and is knowledgeable in herbs and plants and their various cures . Philip is shocked by the news and imagines Rachel as plain and homely or possibly something even monstrous in appearance and personality . Letters arrive from Florence only intermittently and over time become stranger and stranger as Ambrose is struck down by an illness , which causes him to react violently and lose all sensi | May is proving to be a busy reading month for me . For whatever reason I seem to be reading slower ( or fewer books in any case ) than last year . I have a certain number of ' obligation ' reads that I am working on , but I also seem to be reading lots of mysteries and thrillers . They border on comfort reads for me as whenever I am especially stressed out I like to turn to them to as they often tend to be filled action and heart - ( or gut - ) wrenching scenes - - someone else 's life is filled with worse problems than my own , sort of situation . I like getting wrapped up in a story so much that the pages are turned fast and furiously as I read in fear and fascination about a hero or heroine who you wonder if they 'll even survive the end of the story . So a little rundown on things . Mignon Eberhart 's The Mystery of Hunting 's Lodge is very much a cozy mystery . In this case the murder , though it was originally passed off as an accident , occurred five years earlier . The daughter of the victim , who was not much more than a girl really when the crime happened , has called together the guests who were all present at this lonely hunting lodge on that fateful night . There are a couple of new additions . A detective , posing as a friend of the family , and a young nurse taking care of an invalid aunt . Sarah Keate is the narrator and perhaps the real star of the show as she helps detective Lance O ' Leary piece together the movements of everyone in the party to figure out who is the murderer . This is very traditional , along the lines of Agatha Christie . I 've finished Michael Robotham 's The Night Ferry and will be writing about it later in the week , so won 't say much here about it . It was most definitely an edge of your seat , can 't wait to get to the end sort of story . I 'll be reading more of his work , and had it not been necessary to turn to a few other books this month , I would already be reading something else by him . Next up is Daphne du Maurier 's My Cousin Rachel , which I read years ago , but have forgotten all but the basic premise . DdM always | Although May is still a few days off , I think it might be wise to perhaps start one or two new books now , as May is going to be a busy reading month ! Along with my daily Anna Karenina reading these are the books I 'd really like to get to as they are either book group books or books for the Classics Circuit and one is an ARE that is also going to be a group read . Of course along with these I will still be dipping into books on my sidebar , too . Mignon Eberhart 's The Mystery of Hunting 's End is my choice for the Classics Circuit 's The Golden Age of Detective Fiction Tour . I 'm really looking forward to this , especially after having read P . D . James 's Talking About Detective Fiction . Although Eberhart was writing at the same time , she is probably what you would call a second tier author . She is also American and was born in Lincoln , Nebraska . The book is set in the Nebraska Sand Hills , so this should be interesting reading . I 'll be writing about it on May 28 . I thought it would be fun to read a more traditional Golden Age author , and you can 't get more traditional than Agatha Christie . I 've pulled out Murder at the Vicarage to read as an extracurricular book . I 've never read any Miss Marple mysteries , and I believe this is the first one where she was featured . Claire at Paperback Reader and Verity at The B Files are hosting their annual Persephone Reading Week from May 3 - 9 , so of course I have to join in . It 's been far too long since I 've picked up a Persephone title and am very much in the mood ! I 've decided it has to be a Dorothy Whipple book , so I 'm giving Someone at a Distance a whirl . I 've heard so many good things about this author that I am happy to finally read something by her . A little warning , though - - I 'm going to have to cheat and start early and I might finish after the actual week , as I am not the fastest of readers . In any case I 'll set aside a day that week to post something about the book . Cornflower has chosen Daphne du Maurier 's My Cousin Rachel as her next book group read to be discussed starting May |
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Follow @ agoodwincollect Home Store Guestbook Gallery Blog Contact The Dome of Arizona This lockdown was one I will never forget . I still think about it . I have done many lockdowns , but for some reason this one caused me to … Over the eight years many lockdowns have taught me so much about my life 's journey . This lockdown at the domes … I thought it was going to be bad , but weeks later it ended up being good for me . Now there is only so much time during the lockdown for evidence ; there 's not enough time to show it all . We could have had a three - hour hour episode with so much going on that night . The moment I experienced in the dome as the craziness happened was a personal one that I want to share . We were mid - investigation when we tried using the spirit box , but nothing came through until the question was asked , " Who do you want to talk to ? " Then , a female 's voice said , " Aaron . " Nothing happened with the spirit box after that . I was a bit worried but we were distracted with other things that lead us to other places . It was like the spirits were luring us away , or they were running around us to attack . Time passed , and Zak sent me alone to the domes where we just captured the amazing shadow figure and that had seen satanic rituals in the past . I was armed with only my camera and Ovilus as i headed into the dome alone to where the rituals happened . I didn 't know what was going on with Billy . I had no idea that he had the picture of Jesus , or that was doing the prayer at the same time I was in the dome . As I sat there alone in the dome , the Ovilus was on point . It said , " Aura , " which means it was talking about mine . It said , " Sit , " which I was . I now know why it said , " Jesus , " as Billy was doing his investigation . Why it said , " Disaster , " then , " demon . " What Billy was reading was related to what the Ovilus was saying . After all of this , I started to relax . Ovilus then said , " Lesser . " I just relaxed my energy . I knew something was happening , so i just went with it . i remember it said , " Focus . " i felt like I was . I was like a Jedi focused on what was going on around me . No joke , I thought about the Jedi way . It sounds funny or odd , but they kinda have it right in many ways . So I felt focused , and then I heard foot steps running around . I called to the guys , but there was no answer . Without even knowing what Billy was going through , and with the guys focused on him , I just stayed calm and waited for more . The Ovilus said , " Spot , " and I replied , " I 'm spot on ? " Then , I heard out - loud , " That 's right . " I could feel something walk up on me . The Ovilus started saying , " Traveled . Born . Rewind . " I started to feel like I was in a ritual . The spirits where doing it again , but this time it was with me . I turned on the SP 11 Spirit Box so I could get another way to communicate . The noise of it was so loud … It seemed to echo even louder . I looked over to my left and saw a clocked figure standing there . This being wasn 't wearing a hood , but you could tell it had a cloak on . The head looked like the the big - horned bad guy in the movie Legend , but with a skinner face . Then all of a sudden , i could see its eyes glow red , and what looked like a glowing red blood stream spiral running up its horns . I followed the stream right up before the red got to the tip of its horns . I quickly stopped and looked away , stood up , and stated walking . Something deep down told me not to watch the red glow finish its trip up to the tip of the horn . It told me not to look back . After I left the dome , I walked around the desert for about twenty minutes and tried to gather my thoughts about what I was feeling . I could hear the guys calling for me . I finally got to them . I was in a fog and just wanted to walk home . It was the oddest feeling . I went back to the dome after a while to pick up the gear . As I walked up to the circle and the Ovilus I said out loud , " I know I was supposed to be here and go through what I did , but is there anything else you need to tell me ? " The Ovilus then said , " Complete . " I then felt the dome was empty ; I was the only one in there . The energy had left . Ok so you might be thinking , " What the … Aaron ? " But as I picked up the gear , I noticed something different . I couldn 't put my finger on it at the time , but after the next few weeks , I had realized it . My stress level was way down . If I became stressed , I snapped out of it faster then normal . This goes with with me just being down , lonely , or sad . When I was like that , something would snap me out of it . It was almost a feeling inside doing it . When this would happen , my first thought was about the domes even though time had passed , and it wasn 't even a thought in my brain any more . My energy felt alined with my thoughts and what was around me . I was walking around the casino and something inside me told me to play that slot machine . I played it and won . I never thought of the dome much or the spirit I saw , but I had dreams about him for about a month after . I feel it was a powerful dark male spirit , but it went away . I hadn 't thought about it until now with the episode airing . It was an odd moment in time for sure . I 'm not sure why that spirit was nice to me , but it was . Some bad spirits just might be good to some people , or maybe something happened that night that helped that spirit . Who knows ? I guess I will find out in the afterlife . Now , me saying all this it might sound spooky to you . For me , I understand what happened in that dome that night . It was something good for the bigger picture . I won 't know until I pass , but I feel it as a thank you . Ok , I 'm not saying it was a good thing or a bad thing , I have no idea , but the thing is something that was done . Good or bad , it happened and it was completed . To this day , I feel different still . I feel wiser and calmer most the time at least . Time will tell me to learn more . I will go through many more of these moments . It 's my job and it 's awesome . Katherine DeMonterey It sounds like a ritual was being done to you . Some kind of energy transition or graduation . El diablo buddy was attracted by the commotion and decided to see if you were easy pickens . Which you werent and arent . Heck yeah Jedi are real . Many concepts were borrowed from minks etc . Youre a modern day Ghost Jedi for sure . Your job does totally rock yet has drawbacks . Keep bringing you and your energy to GA . You rock and the Spirits like you . Keep on rocking man . Keep on going . Dont give up . May the Force be with You ! ! ! Carmen … bad spirits doing good … Maybe whatever it was felt sorry for you for all the crap Zak has put you through … i . e . ' someone is sure to get hurt , let 's send Aaron … ' or ' we 're gonna lock someone in this scary af room where many people died , who volunteers ? Aaron you 're up " … . . All my sister and I can say is " poor Aaron " lol Rachel I 'm a fan of the show and i just stumbled upon your blog . Do you know who the figure was that you saw ? A few months ago i was really sick to the point that i almost died and i saw this being or whatever . It said some things to me and it visited my husband not too long ago . I know it sounds weird and I 'm sure you get messages like this all the time , but I 'm just trying to figure out what our who it might be ? Through some research , i came up with names like cernnunos or the devil , but with what i found , nothing was that helpful or that similar to what happened . Your experience seems really similar and i was wondering what or who you thought this could be ; i mean it seems like a nice thing , but who is it exactly ? krah This episode blew my mind . I Actually felt really frightened for all you . Your strength is something to be desired and be extremely proud of . to sit alone in a place with so much dark history and come out with a good experience is astonishing . i cant say i fully understand what you went through that night or even after that . But I believe nothing happens just because . The spirit realm is all connected the good and the bad all meshed into one just like the world of the living . There needs to be a balance . Iv watched almost all the episodes of GA and id have to say you guys have a strong connection with the world in - between . you have a gift connecting and understanding . You are warriors of the light a bridge that helps us understand . Being developed in so much anger and evil your light still shines the brightest , you have a gift and as you slowly dive into each case that light grows . I 've never really ever written in a blog before and I don 't really know if this will be weird to read . I remember when I first started watching the GA , years back , thinking these guys are crazy , going out and hunting / provoking spirits . But overtime I kept watching and rooting for you guys , loved the history , research and friendship . From the first episode chasing a ghost at Bobby Mackys that turned out to be a demon to the Domes , i never doubted that there was something greater than just us out there and the work you did is dangerous . When Nick got possessed at Moon River i was surprised cuz I always thought he was pretty aware of stuff around him , Zak was the one who didn 't mind taking the risk and you were always the voice of wise caution . That thing we feel when our hearts tell us something is wrong , i don 't think it 's fear / weakness , but a warning that there things we shouldn 't mess with because we don 't want to loose ourselves . I knew this priest who exorcied spirits out of homes / people / objects and asked him about spirits and what they were , he never alluded that any of them were good . He also mentioned witchcraft , and that there is no such thing as " good witchcraft " , which at the time I found weird . I don 't know much about good or bad spirits , but I do know that things that hide in the darkness , who fear the light , can not endeavour to be good . That feeling of calm , I hope , is the prayer that Billy said and that it helped free some spirits from that place , not the lieur of what ever was in that place trying to get in . The mention of disaster hit hard , I hoped it didn 't mean anything bad was gonna happen to you guys , especially you . Alyssa Aaron … thank you so much for the insight , long time watcher of the show but first time reader of the blog . I got really interested in the episode , even though I usually am . But this one was different and at a certain part , when everyone was going in the dome to shoot the stills I got an overwhelming sense of dread . I 've never felt this bad before , but I felt like it was the end . I 'd say it was terrifying but at the moment all I felt was utter dread . It made sense as the episode went on . This feeling lead me to think , I have to read this blog , I needed to know more . But as I read your blog I felt uneasy . I don 't think you 're experiencing good things . I think whatever it was is bribing you . Showing you what you could have . But it could all go sour so fast . I don 't know if you read these comments . But be careful Aaron … mind who you talk to in dark places … Angel This was a very interesting blog to read . I understand why you guys do what you do but you guys shouldn 't play with fire . I sometimes wonder when I have watched some of your other episodes why you go into a place that has been known for demonic activity that you will not come out unscathed from your experiences . The demon entity will attached itself to you in some form . You say you were having bad nightmares , but yet you had all this luck and positiveness come out of your experience in the domes . What the devil does is make you see that you have been given something great and wonderful yet when the time comes he will want you to pay him back , the nightmares are just him reminding you . It was good that you got up and left the dome when told to , I believe that could of been your guardian angel , as they are always around watching and protecting us . I don 't know what your spiritual beliefs are . For I do know that I have angels around me and that I have also experienced what a demon does . I rarely dream but my last one is to forewarn you guys that there 'll be something happening on one of your adventures that will change your lives . Pray you will be careful on your adventures and to always stay safe . Kim Fenix Liard Aaron , i hope you read this , knowing you are busy and all . But i am a psychic / medium / pagan . I just watched the domes episode and had to read what happened to you . I felt so , so strongly . But you have no idea what you did . You freed a spirit , not any kind , but a wood spirit that is neither good or bad . It is simply just . It had been summoned by the satanists and was trapped in the engery field that is the domes . It thanked you , it helped you gain a higher level of vibration if you will . Now i know i sound nuts but i 'm not . Also I don 't know if you noticed but this year , the vail to the other worlds is thinner which in turn makes it easier to communicate with spirits . But you should consider yourself blessed that the land spirit blessed you . Your third eye chakra will be opening more and more now . If you do have questions , please don 't hesitate . Thanks for reading my crazy rambles . Paxton Hey , reading this you 've obviously been touched by the lord as when Billy was simulataneously reading the prayer he had found under your chair from the hotel . He unknowingly saved you from the devil that you just witnessed . You were in some way yes on a spiritual level was meant to be there . This is no coincidence but you are god 's child and he definitely saved you . Great blog first time ive been on it and i love what you 've written . Every account is awesome . Nikki Aaron , I 'd first like to mention that my mother and I watched the Ghost Adventures team for a long time now . It really brought us back together because I had spent a lot of time in foster care waiting for her to kick her addiction . We bonded over your show , so thank you for that . Also this is the first blog I 'm reading from you . This episode had me curious because it takes place around the Navajo reservation which is home to most of my family . The story behind this place is quite chilling . I 'm a believer / skeptic and I do my best to debunk things if I can . I did want you to know that the desert is home to a lot of criminal activity . The body that was there may have very well been used for satanic worship , or maybe the person could have been a victim of what the deserts of Arizona has to offer . It 's easy to run drug trades and such in places like these , so I hope you guys take extreme caution when traveling to these places . Now for your blog , I 'm not quite sure what you 've experienced since it 's a hard visual but I have no doubt in you . There could be many theories as to why you feel good after seeing what you did , when this entity was known for being negative . I don 't think anyone could say for sure but something I talked about recently with my mother makes me want to mention it . I 'm not religious , first of all , but I do believe in SOMETHING being there , and certainly wouldn 't dismiss the possibility . Lately , I haven 't been feeling myself . I got hit hard with depression and seriously , honestly , contemplated suicide just a few weeks ago . Now these thoughts aren 't something that are new but this time was different . I spent a lot of my life pretty much fantasizing about the day I do it , and every time I make some sort of dramatic exit and tell everyone good bye ect , ect . But this time I didn 't . Here I was , alone , isolated , and on the verge of doing something insane and I didn 't say good bye to anyone . Had I been equipped that night , I 'm sure I would have gone through with such a thing . I didn 't say good bye , and I was at peace with knowing my time was coming to an end . It felt good . It felt like the weight I 've been lugging around so long was soon be relieved . I hastily made my way home though , and for the first time in months spoke to someone about it . I didn 't WANT to feel good about this . I didn 't want something like death to bring me comfort . - This story has a point , I promise . I talked to my mother , who 's Christian and she told me " Evil is successful because it can make you feel good . " She went on about how it can promise you peace and relief but it must take back whatever it gives you somehow . " Only , the devil is tricky , he leaves that part out . " I 'm not saying what you 're experiencing is bad or maybe has a hidden darkness about it , but I do want you to remember this and be careful . I 'm not religious , but I think she 's on to something . Tracey D Aaron , 10yrs ago I investigated purely scientifically . Now its half and half because of similar experiences to you , which came about through experiences with spirits & demonic entities … . even angels . Its stuff you just cant get tangible evidence for but you know its real & it exists and it truly blows your mind . It leads you down a more spiritual path and you review your life and makes you think more about your future afterlife . It has made me realise that I have seen and experienced things that I was meant to see or experience and it has all been a learning thing for me . People have no idea what is around them in a dimension they cannot see . Seeing that entity with the horns was probably something you were meant to see . I & a fellow investigator have heard huge wings flap in front of us and felt an energy , enough to make us run . I got an image in my head of a mothman type thing and at this time I had a DVR around my neck going which recorded the wing flapping and " stand back you whores " . Fellow investigator took off her thick jacket complaining of heat on her arm and we all watched the blood come on fresh scratch welts … 3 of them . I just cant go to that spot again . I have no doubt in my mind that there was a demon with horrible wings in front of us that we felt . No doubt whatsoever . I now believe they do look a lot like how they are depicted in ancient paintings & there is nobody in this world that can tell me anything different . You know when I try to explain experiences I have had , I always have this feeling that people think its BS . I did photograph those scratches and I do have that EVP & the others heard flapping wings also . The picture in my mind I saw I cannot prove . Be safe Aaron as you know what is out there and always trust your instinct . There are protective entites that look after us . Adesh God comes in many forms . Although He might appear scary to us in some of His forms , He is not scary to the true you . He is not only watching over you . You are equally a part of Him as He is a part of you . That night you were reminded of the essence of your true self . Thus you felt the peace of remembering who you truly are . He loves you unconditionally and endlessly . I bless you and your work . Jonesy Very interesting experience you 've had Aaron , with lasting effects . Like you said , whether this is a good thing or bad , who can be sure . Regardless of the positive aspects you feel about your experience during and after , I 'd remain cautious about your feelings with the experience and the entity you saw . It 's possible something very dark can lure a person into letting their guard down and creating more of an emotional connection , as a preliminary form of attack . " Come on in . . the water 's fine " to coin a phrase . Once invested enough , things might begin to change toward the negative . I don 't know if there 's any reason to really be concerned , I 'm just putting forth something to think about as a safeguard . Be safe and Happy Huntin mate . You 're our favorite of the team . LD Just finished watching the Domes episode . I think it would be interesting to sit in the middle of a dome with noise cancelling headphones on and 2 devices for the voice contact ( spirit box and the text one ) about 4 feet away so you couldn 't see or hear if there are any responses , and a full spectrum camera running while asking questions for about fifteen minutes and then start singing songs from different time periods to see which song got a response . I 'm curious about how music interplays with energy because of how deeply humans feel music and associate a period of time with a song . It would also be really interesting to leave all three pieces of equipment running for an hour when no one was around and just leave a piece of paper with 30 questions written on it beside the equipment just to see if any words appear or are heard on the devices which correspond to the written questions . I 'd also be curious to leave some golf balls on the floor against the wall with a camera pointing at the golf balls with an emf meter by the golf balls . Viktoria Wow , watching this episode of dome really frightened me I was worried for you all . Ive watched all the ghost adventures episodes and I still worry about you guys alot and just watching frightened me . However it 's such a thrill to be able to watch this going on , absolutely amazes me through the bad and the good . I was a sceptic but now I 'm mutual since I haven 't really experienced the supernatural myself . I just wanted to say you guys are really brave and please if you go on demonic hunting trips take some holy water or some Japanese sutras please ( lol ) . I thankyou for sharing your experience Aaron it must of been frightening and awesome for you and the guys especially when the RV suddenly opened and Zak jumped I felt exactly what they felt , a cold breeze just blasted into me . Anyways I wish you and the guys all the best in your next adventures . Tammy Meyer Aaron , watched The Domes and knew something wasn 't quite right or maybe it ws … I don 't know , but I did know there was more going after the episode had ended . Watch yourself . Spirits can be misleading . They come off giving you a false sense of safety and security only to turn your life upside down later . While the knee jerk reaction may be to think that this being may be demonic , perhaps it was a benign earth spirit . Some kind of elemental being , and it required your energy to complete some sort of task , something to keep the balance , good , evil , indifferent . It required a specific energy , YOURS , you vibrated , at the time , at a frequency that was required . You saw the horned creature , and were pushed to a point , to make a choice . " The Blue pill or the Red Pill " . You choose a pill and the world kept going . You looked away , walked away , didn 't look back . Perhaps that was what the Spirit wanted , was hoping you would do . Hence the reward of picking out the winning slots . It was pleased you looked away , and thus , rewards you in a way you desire . Just another way of looking at what you experienced . Jack to be honest , dont go back to the dome Aaron . Bad spirit doesnt do good to people . it might do good to you right now , but who knows what will happen later on . they might want you to pay it back . So just for you to be safe , get some cleansing . I hope the best for you . p / s : really do love to watch ghost adventures . Keep it up , hope you guys doing it better and better for each episode . I have been a fan of Ghost Adventures for quite a while now and when I saw what you went through in the Domes I was concerned about your healt and mental health , aknowledging the fact that you had some impressive experiences with locations where statanic rituals where performed ( Hell Fire Caves , Montpellier Hill … ) . I am so happy to see that everything seems to be going fine ! Be safe dude , you 're awesome 🙂 Jennifer Hello Aaron ! Interestingly via odd coincidence , since I was not on any of your media , my laptop gained a mind of its own ; redirecting me to your blog . I was unaware you even had one . I also don 't believe in coincidence . Regardless , I 'm quite pleased . I 'll be honest & blunt in what I 'm about to say . I watch VERY little television but GA is probably one of three shows I do watch . I 've always " seen " you as different . I do not mean that in a bad way . You 're EXTREMELY gifted … You were also on point in what you said about changing . Elevating , if you will . Sparing details , I 'm quite " different " - major understatement - LOL . When I say I see , again without details , I mean that in the most literal sense … There is much I wish to say , but with respect to privacy and personal matters , I 'll leave the bulk untouched . I know there are things you have left out because they are just that : personal . Others may take your post as being bad or see something malevolent about it . I do not . I will never claim to know more than my own feelings , thoughts and what I see , but maybe you 'll understand when I say sometimes A force / outside forces balance darkness and light that lies within all of us . In that balance , we are able to move beyond the static point which awakens true potential / meaning / purpose of our lives . How , when , or even what catalyst causes this we may never know … in this life . I believe only those who have achieved this higher - state of being are able to acknowledge the depth & magnitude - even if we ourselves don 't fully understand the meaning , pull , or the calling . Words do not do it justice and we fall short when trying to describe it to others . But as you know , it 's as if you 've being given an injection of life with clear trajectory & wisdom . Contradictory to an extent , but you " just know " you 're being pulled / led / guided to something greater than yourself and every step leads you closer . For the record , NO , I am not a Satanist or anything like that . Wanted to throw that in so no wrongReply Posted On Albert Just finished watching " The Domes " episode . I knew that ending had to have had so much more to tell . Reading your blog entry , did not disappoint . It is certainly weird and interesting that this negative presence actually helped you in some way . I believe what you said that sometimes some bad spirits may be good to some people but my biggest curiosity will always be " why ? " Great read to follow up a great episode . You guys are awesome . Cannot get enough of your show . You guys be well and safe out there . Godspeed . Gypsy Wow . I know within an hour trying to cram it all in has got to be hard during editing time . I really am glad you took out of it a positive , for such a negative place , this is awesome ! ! At least it sounds like you did not bring anything home w / you . But I must say that was a great episode . It is a beautiful place from the photos I have seen on Facebook . Its sad so much evil though has been done on the grounds though . Thank you for sharing Aaron . Peace and blessings . Gypsy Serrah I am so amazed by this episode Aaron . It felt like watching Bobby Macky Episode . I don 't think that bad spirits could be good since of course they are bad . Maybe they are pretending to be good in order for you to like them or maybe they wanted something . I hope you get some cleansing Aaron and don 't be fooled by ' them ' . I 'm a big fan of ghost adventures and I am hoping to see more episodes like this . Gary W . Hall It sounds like you have had an experience you will never forget . Once again I am glad that is your job and not mine , no matter how awesome it may be . The episode definitely did not come across as powerful as what you actually went through . Maybe the fact you guys could have made a 3 hour episode is the reason the show seemed to abruptly end out of nowhere , just too much to squeeze in . My wife and I just looked at each other and both said " It 's F ' n Over " ? ! ? ! BUT , then again , we are all so spoiled with the show constantly getting better , it 's far too easy to sit at home and want more . What ever happened , it sounds like you are in a much better place , and that is all that matters ! Awesome Blog , please keep it up ! However more importantly , be safe , and remember to enjoy every minute we have . Life is far too short to waste any it . MaryR Thank you for your The Dome insight . I just KNEW there was more to the story than what we saw . I was left with so many questions … you answered them . Have to say this episode really drew me in more so than any others . Not sure why . Joel Harumal I 've been watching GA from the very beginning and I have to say that you 've gained a lot of respect from everyone around the world . You always put your best in all the investigations from Bobby Mackey 's to Hellfire Caves to the latest episode and you suffered quite a bit from past investigations . Just be careful not to sink too deep into the darkness and feel comfortable in it because that 's what it wants you to feel . It may seem like everything is ok now but take the advice mate and go get a blessing or cleanse yourself because the darkness do stick like gum under your shoe and what you 've played with is blacker tha black . Elizabeth Hi Aaron , Thank you for sharing your experience with us . I know you can 't show everything that happened but its great to be able to read about it and learn more from you after it was aired . I really don 't know how you do it , to me you are a strong person . My thoughts are with you and the boys after every investigation and i really hope it doesn 't effect you too much at home and in your personal life . terri Hey . I just watched the episode . When you are sitting there being filmed using night vision it looks as if there is a grey rectangle outlining you with edges of black but black that 's black - black right ? Is it normal , like some pixelation , or some camera effect that makes it look like the black black area has movement coming out of it into the grey ? Cause I can see stuff , after you say tell me your name I see something beside you dart really fast back into the black . Then the camera pans out to the whole room and back in again . When you look to the left it looks like you are looking directly at a bit of blackness form that leans out and down toward you with horns , or tall wings curled above its shoulders , but I can see it lean down to look at you , , , , this can ' tjust be pixelation ? ? I saw this same stuff go on in your footage when Z was on the third floor of leap castle , , , , all of you guys be careful . Now I have to read this blog post to get the rest of the story but I had to write this beforehand . I swear to god its there Aaron . I am certainly no Bible thumper but Jesus Christ has protected me from the black - black on occasions . May Jesus Christ protect you and all the men and your families . On one occasion I was standing next to him , long flowing white robe and sandles , he had his hand stretched out palm facing the blackness , , , then I was walking with him on a green grass trail talking . I could not hear either of our words or thoughts . No matter how shakey our belief or faith in him , when you genuinely cry out for safety , aid , protection , he gives it . Never doubt / forget that . People say why don 't you believe in the devil - he believes in you . Well the same is true of Christ , he believes in us . Well dear lord now I gotta read your blog . janet hosier it sounds to me as if you have come to another level of enlightenment . if this is the case , you are beyond lucky . this is how buddhist monks live . perhaps you can look into that . ( buddhist teachings ) paola bianka Hi . I felt disturbed after watching the GA episode . . especially the last part . . which lead me , of course , to read your blog . I mean , you saw a horned , cloaked figure . . i am not even sure how to feel about it . In witchcraft , the horned one is summoned and / or worshipped and he is one of the stronger male gods or entity , which made sense ( if that was Him ) , because you were in the middle of the desert , on native land . And i know that you felt that some sort of ritual was being done while you were in the dome . It shook you up a lot , but somehow felt good or even better after a certain time . Great if it was a positive entity that changed you in a way . But i can 't help but think otherwise . As i was reading through your blog i kinda fekt unconfortable how you looked at is so positively . The Devil is a good manipulator and deceiver . But im sure you are aware of that . He can make you feel good , not knowing that he already has a grasp on you and can attack ir influence you any time . May take weeks , months or years . It may not be like the hollywood interpreration if a demonic infestation or possession , but He can ruin a person slowly , but surely . Just hope that yoy guys keep yourself cleansed at all times . All may be good now , but you 'll never know . Keep safe guys ! Ashley Carpenter I have been watching Ghost Adventures since Season 1 . You guys have pushed the limits more and more with each season and it has been amazing ! ! There are episodes where you guys encounter very dark spirits but this episode was different from any episode I have ever watched from you guys . This episode was dark and mind chilling . I felt different watching this episode and when it ended it stuck in my mind even hours later . I am glad you are doing ok because my first thought was how is he doing right now after something like this . I believe there is evil in this world and I believe you guys have helped some of this evil be at peace and finally are allowing those lost souls to be set free from the darkest places in this country where they may be confined and trapped screaming for help but no one can hear . You guys are amazing and are doing amazing things . Never stop what you are doing . I hope I am watching Ghost Adventures for years to come . jem dearnley I often like to check out your blog after I watch the show . This episode was particularly compelling for me as a skeptic - I thought the figure captured was extremely odd and pretty much shocking evidence . I 've seen every single GA episode and I 've never seen you guys capture something quite like that . Was that what you saw ? I wonder why it wasnt captured on the x camera . I also thought it was odd that you said you saw something red / orange , didn 't you , to the x camera just after it happened . Well remember the guy zak interviewed ? He said he saw the whole dome in RED . He also said a lot of other sh * t happened too . It 's freaky Aaron pretty sure there 's more to it if you really analyse what happened to you . It 's like it was meant for you . With the Jesus card the night before , the woman calling your name through the SB and then the ovilus saying sit , jesus , disaster , and then the image you saw - it can 't be coincidence . I 'm stoked to see what happens next time Pali Maybe they wanted you to feel that way , like you think it was something good … For me seeing an entity with red glowing eyes and horns doesn 't sound very good . How you described it , it almost sounds like they signed your soul , something good will be happening to you ( like the slot machine ) and then it will come with a price maybe , maybe it 's just my stupid imagination … I don 't want to sound like I am being pessimistic , non of that , but it is as I see it , horns = not good . Sorry Aaron … and keep up the good work . Sorry for any mistakes in my writing , english is not my first language 😀 Stella I 'm glad something good came out of it for you for a change ! Just because something looks a certain way , doesn 't mean that 's what it is . In the same way that something that seems innocent and pure maybe be a crafty sonofaB out to do you a wrongun ' ! Jessica Ann Aaron , I am so glad this turned into a positive experience for you . I was so scared for you and Billy during you entire experience at The Domes . I am open to interaction with spirits and love the history and lessons we can learn from them . Satanic energy and demonic entities are not something I am comfortable with , however I dont think most of us are . You are so brave for all that you do , for the spirits you help and interact with . I have to say however how happy and relieved I am that this was a good experience for you and that nothing bad has come from your experiences there , that nothing has attached , attacked , or followed you from this particular location . You are special and I believe that the spirit world knows who you are and there is meaning , purpose and cause for what you do . You were chosen for this job for a reason . You have the mental capacity for this job and there is no better man for it , I have watched you since the 2004 documentary and how this field has transformed you over the years … I want to wish you only the best on all of your adventures , and may the light always be with you in the darkest of times … With love and light ~ Jessica Ann Deborah Miller Thank you Aaron for bringing the " more " . Much needed . I have to commend you for your bravery in going in where others won 't and also that you seem to be highly sensitive to the spirits . I know time is limited on the episodes , but really miss the longer periods of investigation . Thanks again . Good on you Bud . Kristina Rae Delas alas I wish you guys would do a part two of that investigation and show us other evidence you gathered . After I watched the episode and read this i felt like i had to see more of what you guys saw . Please . Reading your experience today , I sense you have passed a test . You chose the path of light and succeeded in sealing your role . If you had watched the blood spiral up and out , that would have caused some major issues in your life and possibly sent you down a darker more difficult path . The changes you feel in yourself are ones of mastery and ascension . Trusting your inner guidance , acceptance of your role and what ever comes at you is a sign you 're on the right path . You were chosen ( or you chose yourself ) to do this . You may not understand all of it , but you don 't need to make sense of it all . Your soul knows and your guides will keep you safe . Alexis C Aaron , I cannot even imagine the things you and the GAC crew have gone through . I bet you caught some insane evidence not only in this episode , but every episode that doesn 't get to go on air . I know we don 't even know half of what you are going through . But this is honestly my favorite show , I worry for you guys , yet I wish you to continue further with more episodes . Whatever you went through that night I 'm sure was a huge mix of emotions . You sure do have some guts ! Keep doing what you love to do . May you always have positive energy and God on your side . Not just for you but all of GAC . Thanks for always having me look forward to Saturday nights watching you ! Thanks you for also sharing your personal story . I appreciate it ! Hope to meet you one day ! - Alexis Amanda Demarco Such an amazing experience and I totally understand I went through something similar and its crazy . Your trying to explain it but you cant completely no matter how hard you try . But its one thing you wont regret going through . It 's not the first time , i wondering : You want ( I say this to all the team ) to go in Heaven or Hell ? Because , investigate on a case of ritual satanic and provoke demons , i don 't think you can find answers of afterlife … A demon never tell you who is the afterlife , or he will tell you to get to know how the hell ( you watch Supernatural , you suppose to know that lol ) . My question is : Why guys never try to talk with angels ? You can find more answers with angels and have protection . I 'm not religious , i 'm not believe in God . But , i know demons exist , so i think angels too ( I hope Cas ' exist lol ) . You 're paranormal investigator , so you should ask the good questions , not provoke a demon . I want to know , if heaven exist , or if we can go in some peaceful place , find my family who passed way . You don 't want know that ? I tell you to you , but it 's work to Zak too . I know you have a dark side , me too ! But i don 't want to provoke a demon , because i know i never find answers to my questions ! Never trust a demon . Dude , I tell you all this because I care about you , i don 't like when something bad happen to you ! Because you 're my dude , the coolest guy in the world I 've ever known ! ! So i think about that i say . although I think you know . 😉 Camille . SAV Aaron I am not sure of your faith . . but I believe God came to protect you . Never have your doubt about him because he is there watching over you . It also may be someone was praying for you . I doubted myself for so long and I asked God for forgiveness of all my sins . He is the light in my life but he has made me see things with a clear mind . For that I love him and very thankful for him everyday . Never lose your faith in him . God Bless you in all your adventures . . with love , SAV via TX … Erine I don 't know why but after watching the episode and reading this blog post of your 's about the Domes , I kind of feel like , you 're being lured into believing that you 're in yourself 's good state but you 're actually not . I mean , the whole " I feel wiser and calmer " statement of your 's and that slot machine moment , I 'm sorry but , to me , it 's kind of deceiving . You came from a very disturbing location , investigated it , saw things , had moments with these things , and so I don 't think these things will be truly good to you without getting anything from you in return in due time . So I sincerely hope and pray that you take care of yourself and never allow these things to deceive you . I don 't believe in religions but I do believe in God and it is only through Him that you can feel genuine goodness , peace , and calmness . He , alone , is the greatest so believe and surrender yourself to no one but Him . And if you can , please , read Psalm 91 always . Normand Aaron , your a great guy and Only good things happen to good people . By the way , we met on 2 occasions at the South Pont . All of children live there . I live in Hawaii . First and foremost I have to say that y ' all are extremely brave to do what y ' all do . Personally I do not really believe in ghosts and what not but that doesn 't mean they are not out there . ( I work in a presumably haunted hotel and I have felt things a couple of times but it could have been my imagination so … ) . That being said , I live in an area in North Carolina that is extremely good for cleansing your mind , body and spirit . Lake Junaluska is a beautiful area and has a very special feel to it . I recommend finding a place like that for you and the crew as sometimes it is what you need , without realizing that you need it . I wish you luck and will continue to watch the show because it is fun to watch . Take care . Fernando Yo Aaron I show the episode looked harsh respect to all of you … By the way even tho you might realize it that dark spirit you saw ain 't good . I kind imagine what you saw and recommend you go to a priest to talk about your experience so you can get blessed because you might have a demon attached either to you or your spirit and that 's why you had those dreams . . I used to have nightmares also like if I was in a temple or a castle not sure with dark shadow people also one were I WAS IN A BURNED CITY WHERE THERE WERE SKINNY BONED PEOPLE INSTALLING A STATUE OF THE DEVIL WITH HORNS LIKE A RAM it was for a month really bad stuff I use to be depressed and used to doubt Jesus and God until I said enough with these dreams and prayed to a cross I have and asked for forgiveness and to bless me … Thankfully that night same night that I prayed no more nightmares like and feel better with my self . Well that 's my thought and experience with these dreams . Hope you get or are better TAKE care G … Love y ' all show Josslyn Hey aaron , just got done watching this episode and oh my goodness it was intense . I know that 's an understatement for yall but seeing what all of you went through is no joke . What you guys do is so brave and courageous . I love watching the show ! I 'm a big fan and I hope to meet yall one day ! After reading what else you went through gave me the chills . I know you don 't know weather it was good or bad but that good to know you are doing okay after that crazy investigation . But you guys are so amazing at what you do ! MaryHelen Aaron thanks for sharing this other side of your experiences that we don 't always see ! I noticed from your Deadwood blog you were struggling with the panic attacks . In your last 2 lines of that blog you mentioned your " aura " . In THIS blog post you mentioned a voice came through the Ovilus that said , " aura " . After the fine experience , you 're feeling better and more balanced . I wonder if that ritual cleansed that other energy from you ? Miriah Sounds like a pretty awesome experience Aaron . I have recently been experiencing similar feelings . It is like a universal openness , if that makes any sense . Katherin Lund Wow , A . It 's awesome you are able to keep intune with the afterworld . U have that ability to seek them out or call them out . I did that once . But usually they come to me - they seek me out . And it is like trying to solve a mystery bcuz u haven 't a clue who or what they want . Anyhoo , I 'm happy you are starting to feel better . I am grateful that I have you in my IG life . When I see your photos and all the funny stuff u do , it makes me feel like I am a better person for having known you . Peace and Love , Always 💖🙋☺️ Isachi Rodriguez Very interesting blog . You are very brave Aaron . I was never into the supernatural always thought it was a hoax until I started watching Ghost Hunters about a year ago . Than a few months after I discovered GA I have to admit I was not to impressed at first I thought Zak was too much of an over actor ' dramatic ' didn 't really take the show to seriously . Than one day they were airing a GA marathon and I decided to leave it on in the background there were a lot of episodes that left me shocked and convienced , than I started to get to know you guys more realized how funny you guys are . Loved the sense of humor and Zak started to loosen up . I ended up loving your show so much that when I went back to watching Ghost Hunters and realized how zombie like they are I didn 't find it interesting anymore don 't get me wrong I love Ghost Hunters crew they 're awesome but I need a little bit of sense of humor every once in awhile and I wasn 't getting that from them they 're too serious . With GA we get amazing evidence scary shocking suspense speechless nervousness and laughter . What more can I ask for ? GA is awesome hope the show continues for many many years ! Thanks for sharing your experiences with us . Take care . PS . I apologize for my misspelled words my English is not that great . Rachael Jones This was definitely one of my all - time favorite episodes but when I looked at my clock on the FiOS box and saw that it read 9 : 51pm and had just cut to commercial , I wanted to scream or cry or both . Only a few more minutes were left and I wanted more . A LOT more . It 's like I was ravenous , a slave to the sin of gluttony . So one can only imagine my relief and happiness when I read on your Twitter page that you had written a blog concerning the activity wasn 't shown in the hour long episode as well as the events that followed after you all had went home . My frustration reemerged when the newest blog was still listed as " Deadwood " and I found no mention of the Domes 😖😫😤 . But here it is now . Thank you for going more in depth and sharing your experience with us . The Arizona Domes just landed at the top of me and my boyfriend 's list of haunted / scary locations . He loves everything paranormal , haunted or horror related as well . We always joke that our honeymoon will consist of us getting an RV and traveling the US , stopping to see different paranormal sites and spending the night in haunted hotels . Not exactly what most people would choose to do on their honeymoon and definitely not be classified as a " normal " choice for newlyweds to celebrate their commitment . Not exactly romantic … You most certainly do have an awesome job . Combine that with a few super cool dudes and a camera and you 've got gold ! Every Saturday night I look forward to 9pm . I 'm sad that this season will soon end , but the news that Zak has a new show being released focusing on haunted objects , eases my pain a bit . I REALLY hope that all of us loyal GAC fans will have the pleasure of seeing you in this new series . Thanks for everything you do - and when I say everything , I mean everything , from GAC and the paranormal researching to the Toys for Tots charity you out so much of your hard earned time and money into and onto your Big Steppin artwork and various collectibles . And let 's not leave out the phenomenal work you do behind a camera . You are an amazing artist , humanitarian , investigator and all around great person ( from what I see / know / hear about you ) . Keep it up and always stay safe 💕👻💕 Sarah West Wow ! Whatever it was it obviously helped you in some way , and that is awesome . Don 't dwell on the questions , but be thankful for the positive effect it 's had on you . Nothing else matters , and congratulations on the new feeling . Amanda Wow . That experience sounds absolutely frightening . It makes me think that perhaps your stress level went down after your experience at the domes because there aren 't many things in this life that could ever be more stressful than seeing a cloaked figure with horns and red eyes in satanic territory . I can 't fathom how you could see something like that , and simply walk away . If this happened to me , I would be inconsolably terrified . You are brave , Aaron !
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( on the team 's performance yesterday ) " I just watched it briefly . I 've been busy checking out players today and visiting with them as they move forward . I guess my initial reaction is the exact same thing . It 's just disappointing from a standpoint that we helped the team beat us . That 's the biggest thing . You play in any game , but playing in huge games like that , the one thing you don 't want to do is help somebody and when it 's all said and done , we did that yesterday . We did play great defense throughout the course of the day . We had four balls on the ground that we had a chance to get . We didn 't get any of those . That would have been nice . Offensively , we rallied big time and ran the ball extremely well , got ourselves back in the game , but we couldn 't make a play in the second half to be the difference . Special teams , we played pretty solid , except for the one big mistake and it led to a touchdown . Probably I guess what I 'm saying is I thought about it the same way I did yesterday after the game . " ( on what happened on the first interception QB T . J . Yates threw in the fourth quarter ) " Well , first off , I 've seen somebody say that he checked into a play . I don 't know who wrote that , but that could not be further from the truth . T . J . ran the play we called . It came right after the two - minute warning . He ran the exact play that we called and his read told him to throw the go route if they played one safety . He did exactly what he was supposed to do . He just got a little lazy with his feet . He took two hitches and wasn 't able to keep Ed Reed at home and he covered a lot of ground and made the play . But the kid got the ball where it was supposed to go . It just got there late . " ( on if he would have thought the Texans would win if they held RB Ray Rice to 60 yards and sacked QB Joe Flacco five times ) " Yeah , if we did that and didn 't turn the ball over four times . If you would have thrown that in there , I would have thought we 'd have a tough time winning . To turn the ball over four times and get beat 20 - 13 on the road in the playoffs , it 's like I told the team , it just tells them what they 're capable of and how good a football team we have . There were some tremendous things that went on in the game as you just mentioned , but we offset those with our mistakes too . Big , big football game and usually whoever protects the ball the best comes out of there with a win . It seemed to hold true throughout the playoffs , so that 's the biggest disappointment . " ( on if he thought of getting the first down first and then going for the touchdown at the end of the game ) " No , that would have made no sense to me . If we call a 5 - yard pass and a ball gets knocked down or something , you never took a chance at winning the game . Yeah , we could have got a first down , but we had no timeouts , so we would have to hurry to the ball , probably would have had one play left in the game , so I just wanted to make sure we had a chance to get the ball to the end zone . That would have made no sense to me . " ( on if he thought about replacing WR Jacoby Jones on punt returns ) " No , he made a mistake , but he 's also made big plays for us throughout the course of the year . I 'm not going to give up on a guy because he makes a mistake in a game . Obviously , it was a big mistake . It can 't happen . There 's no talking around that or getting around that , but at the same time , a lot of guys made mistakes in games that come back and make plays . As a coach , you got to believe in your people . Your players got to believe in each other . You 're going to have mistakes , but hopefully you overcome them . We had our chance to overcome it . That 's the great thing . We had our chance to overcome it , but we didn 't . " ( on all the players being excited for next season ) " The checkout process this morning has been extremely positive . Our guys are down with what happened yesterday , but they 're very upbeat about their football team . I don 't think in all my years in this business , this day comes no matter what , whether you win a championship or whether you don 't , you got to check players out for the season , I 've never been around a group of guys talk more positive about each other , about their teammates , how good a locker room we had , what type of football team we had , how they can 't wait to go back and play with that group of guys . That 's what we 've been after here in Houston and that 's why we took some big steps and obviously we took the biggest step this year that we 've taken as a franchise , but I think it is also important , I also told the players , the biggest thing is do we come out of this thing hungrier next year ? Obviously it felt great to play in these playoffs . We have a taste of that . We know what it 's like , but this will probably be our biggest offseason because we will have to step it up . If we want to get there and we want to win a championship , there 's another big step for us to take . I had some great meetings . I actually met with DeMeco ( Ryans ) and Andre ( Johnson ) together and we talked about that . Those are the type of guys that will have to lead the way when we get started here in a couple months . " ( on when they will start looking to adjust the roster ) " The first thing you have to do is you have to evaluate first before you start talking about what you 're going to do different and how you 're going to get better . We 'll be in that process for a few days . As coaches , evaluating our players , I cross - reference with the coaches . I have defensive coaches study offense . I have offensive coaches study defense . I want to get everybody 's opinion on where we 're at . We have to do that first and come up with our evaluations there and then sit down as a staff , with Rick ( Smith ) and everybody involved with our football team , and start talking about where we go next and how we get better . What issues do we have ? What do we have to do ? Everybody has a role in the organization in how we go about it . The roles change kind of right now as far as Rick stepping to the forefront and having to get ready for the draft and all those types of things . Our process is in place . We 'll set our schedule and we 'll get to work on it , but the evaluation process has started as we speak . " ( on throwing a deep pass after the two minute warning and potentially leaving time on the clock for the Ravens even if they had tied the game on that play ) " If I knew Baltimore was going to get ball then I probably wouldn 't have thrown there . That would be my first answer . I 'm trying to win the dang game . I called a play . The coverage told him to throw it there . The kid did it . We could 've done it a little better . I go out there to try and win the football game and call plays to win the game . I 'd call the same play . I liked it . We just didn 't get it done . " ( on if it was necessary to throw a hail mary with 20 seconds left on fourth down ) " It doesn 't mean it 's right , but here 's my thought process . Its fourth - and - 4 or 3 , we could throw a short pass . I think there was 20 seconds left in the game and get a first down . We had no timeouts . We would 've had to sprint to the line of scrimmage , okay ? We could possible get out of bounds . If we get that ball knocked down on fourth - and - 4 , then we took no chance at winning the football game . I wanted to win the football game . I told him to throw the ball to the end zone so that 's all on me . " ( on the image of the football team being soft being put to rest as a result of yesterday 's game ) " Well , we played well up - front on both sides of the ball . Defensively , you 're right , and offensively we protected our quarterback . To go in that stadium and not have a sack and run the ball the way we ran it against that football team - you 're right . There are a lot of good things going on . I think people are always going to have opinions in this business . That 's okay . That 's part of it . You don 't do away with opinions or do away with notions that people have by playing one football game . You do it over a course of time . You do it over the course of a career . An organization , through a period of time , starts to get an identity and we 're working on ours . I think our identity has gotten better and it 's gotten better because of a lot of hard work and our players being committed to what they 're doing . That 's the most important thing that we continue to build on that identity . I 'm not worried about what one game did . I 'm worried about we 're doing in the long haul . " ( on why he met with DeMeco Ryans and Andre Johnson together and what was his message to them ) " Well they happened to be standing in my door together , so that 's the biggest reason I met with them together . I had a lot of guys outside my door . The line was long , so I thought I could get two out of the way . It 's funny ; I would 've said the same thing to both of them . I just want them to know how much I think of them . That they are the leaders of this football team and I know guys are going to get away and take a break , but in a couple months from now they are going to be the guys that need to step to the forefront and make sure this football team is committed to taking another step forward . I wanted them to know that . " ( on what he talked about with Jacoby Jones ) " We talked about the play a little bit . The young man is very down , but you can understand that . I continue to look at the big picture with things . I know how far he has come as a person and a player . He played very well for us when Andre was out through a nine - week period . He did a lot of good things for us . I know he would like to have that play back yesterday , but we 'll give him a chance to go get rid of it when we get going again . It 's difficult . There 's no good way to get beat . We win as a team . We lose as a team . " ( on the priorities will be in terms of personnel and the organization 's thoughts on Mario Williams ) " I can 't even begin to go there as far as talking about our team and how get better and this and that . Like I said , I 'm strictly in an evaluation process right now for me and the coaches looking at players trying to put a pecking order basically in how we think our football team finished the season . That 's our biggest priority right now . As far as Mario , obviously Mario is a tremendous player . He 's done a great job here . Those things will work themselves out . I know Mario wants to be with this organization and this football team . That 's part of the process . We 'll get going with the process , but Mario has always worked extremely hard and been a very positive influence with this organization and this team . " ( on his meeting with QB T . J . Yates and what he told him going into the offseason ) " I had a couple meetings with T . J . We sat in my locker yesterday after the game for a long time ; talked about the game , talked a little bit about life and we picked back up on that today in my office . What a situation to get put in . Start the last eight games for this football team and fifth round draft choice . We all know that story . I 'm proud of him . He did a heck of a job . He made mistakes and we knew he was going to make mistakes . I told you all this yesterday , the biggest thing throughout the course of his eight or nine weeks is when he made mistakes , the mistakes were not turnovers . Yesterday , they were turnovers because of the group he was playing and how good they were . He 's got a great start on his career . He played a lot of football this year . You can see he is capable of doing what you have to do to be successful in this League . It will be interesting to see what he does with his experience , because it was a dang good one . " ( on the contributions QBs Jake Delhomme and Jeff Garcia made to the team this season ) " We were in a horrible situation as a team and trying to figure out where we 'd go . The most important thing we wanted to do is go find a couple of guys that could support T . J . very positively and could help us out in a tough situation . And they came in and did that . They were great in the locker room , great with the young man . They both worked extremely hard many , many hours to try to catch up with us in case they were put in a position to play . I just appreciate what they did . Neither one of them needed to come here from that standpoint but they did it for us and I appreciate it . " ( on what he is most excited about with the defense moving forward ) " The biggest thing you got to look at is the young players and how they played . I mean , when you look at the way Brooks Reed and J . J . Watt ended these last five weeks and to think , these two guys are rookies and what 's ahead of us . Danieal Manning and what he brought to the team , Johnathan ( Joseph ) . I think ( Brian ) Cushing had as good a year as any linebacker in football and I told him that this morning . I think DeMeco ( Ryans ) was back playing like DeMeco of a couple years ago the last five or six weeks of the season . I could go across the board but we should be able to hold the group together . They should only get better under ( defensive coordinator ) Wade 's ( Phillips ) scheme and the coaches as we move forward . We get an offseason with them . It 's exciting across the board and probably the biggest thing is the young influence that 's been on our football team . " ( on how important it is to get Mario Williams re - signed to prevent a holdout ) " You worry about things you control . I can 't control that . Those things will work themselves out . Everybody has a job to do in the organization . ( general manager / executive vice president ) Rick ( Smith ) and ( vice president of football administration ) Chris ( Olsen ) and those guys will go to work on that part in this time of year and the things they have to do . They have done a tremendous job ; the help they went and got u , as a football team last year , was absolutely tremendous . We 're sitting here . We 're dealing with a great player . We 're dealing with a class young man and we all know we 'd like him to be a part of our football team . We 'd like that done tomorrow but that 's not how it works . It 's gonna take some time and we 'll just let the process take care of itself . " ( on the resiliency of his football team and what he will take away from this season ) " I take the power of team is what I take out of it . It 's just amazing when you get 53 guys going in the same direction , what they can do . A lot of things that happened to us this year can easily send you in the wrong direction . It made us stronger . It made our locker room stronger . It made the whole group stronger . We could very well still be playing . We 're not this week , but we could very well still be playing . As I said , it was a very positive move forward . It is still a very difficult day . When you cut the film on , it 's a very difficult day . But you 've got to be able to use that to propel us as we move forward . Very proud of the effort , very proud of the work that was put in . " ( on if it 's weird that the season is over ) " Yeah , it definitely feels weird . I was thinking back just last week and saying to myself , ' There 's only eight teams playing right now . ' It definitely was a big step for this organization , for this team here , but we 're not satisfied . We feel like we made some progress getting to where we did this year and it 's a great team , a lot of great players , a lot of great chemistry among the players , coaches , guys all throughout the organization . I honestly say this is one of the better places in the NFL to be and hopefully I can continue being here in the future , but that 's in the future and we 'll just leave it at that . " ( on how he would rate this season overall ) " From a scale of one to 10 , I would say an eight . Just think about all the adversity we had losing a lot of key players and still doing the things that we did do , very positive . Not only does it carry over on the football field , but in everyday life , having adversity and continue moving and being successful the way we were with the issues that we dealt with . " ( on how it felt to see all the fans waiting for the team last night ) " It was amazing seeing the support . The fans supported us throughout the whole year , win or lose . They 're some of the greatest fans in the NFL . We wanted to win for them so bad and wanted to make it to the Super Bowl and AFC Championship . We came up a little short , but don 't necessarily take it as a loss , but take it as a lesson . Having that experience getting there definitely is going to pay off for us in the near future . " ( on if the team is in position to go further next year ) " Yeah , definitely . We got a lot of great talent , coaching staff . I think everything 's pointed in the right direction for this team and what they want to do . The future 's bright , I think . " ( on how it felt to see all the fans waiting for the team last night ) " It was awesome . You kind of know what kind of city Houston is and what kind of fan base you have when after a loss , fans show up like that and support you . It means a lot as a player and you realize the fans have your back and know what you 're going through . " ( on what he learned about QB T . J . Yates from yesterday 's game ) " You learn one , that Ed Reed is very good . You got to know where he 's at on every play . The kid 's learned more these last six , seven , eight games , whatever it is that he 's played than I promise you he did all year long . The kid won a playoff game . That 's so hard to do . You look back at the history of this game , there 's many quarterbacks , some decent quarterbacks that have never won a playoff game . This kid , what he learned this year , he can take with him forever and it will make him that much better . He 'll know what he needs to work on in the offseason , physically , because it 's very demanding . It 's totally different than college and just things of that nature , how fast the game is and I think you 'll see a guy that 's going to play quicker than anyone else in the preseason next year whenever he does get in . " ( on if this is like his daughters falling off their bike for the first time ) " Yeah , you get back and go . That 's what you do and I think that 's something that you learn . If you have a mistake in a game , you don 't worry about it right then and there . Worry about it the next morning . You got to go and play . That was something I was lucky enough to learn from a Kurt Warner playing with him in NFL Europe . That 's the mindset you have to take . If you make a mistake in the game , you can 't play shell shocked . You go back and play and I think he did that . He took chances yesterday . " ( on where he goes from here ) " I 'm going to go I - 10 East . That 's where I 'm going to go . You know what , I 'll be honest with you , you never want to say never , but to end on a note like this , for me , this game of football has been fantastic for me . The NFL 's been awesome and last year , it just wasn 't a fun experience playing up in Cleveland for me , got hurt and just the way things were , the way that things were run , it was just a total disconnect between the front office and the coaches . For me , to come to a place like this where everybody 's on the same page and to see the way these guys work , it 's been great . If I 've left this game , I 've left it on a high note . You think about a lot of things coming back last night . My last pass I 've ever thrown , if this was , was a touchdown , so that 's kind of cool . " ( on him still saying ' if ' in regards to playing his last season ) " I 'm being very realistic . I turned 37 last week . I 'm not moving my family . I 'm not going somewhere to start over . I 'm not doing that . This kind of just fell into my lap , so to speak . You certainly don 't think you 're going to get the injuries that this team had . Who knows ? If this is the end , which most likely it is , it 's been pretty nice . " ( on how it feels to be cleaning out his locker ) " It 's tough . It hurts bad right now . I 'd so much rather be coming in here to lift weights and go to meetings and get ready for our season to continue . It hurts bad right now . " ( on leaving today compared to past seasons when they had losing records ) " You can sit here and say that we made it to the second round of the playoffs , our season was a success compared to previous seasons , but I think the heart of a champion , the winner mentality that 's been installed around here , once we overcame those obstacles and were where we were , the goal was to keep on winning . I don 't know . Whenever your season ends and you 're not holding up that Lombardi trophy , I would say it hurts . " ( on losing the game Sunday at Baltimore ) " It 's something you take and you feed off of it and let it make you more hungry , and you go back to work . Like I said , it 's more fuel to the fire . We 've got to find that next step . " ( on the difficulty of dealing with the muffed punt since the game ended ) " Like I said , it 's something I 've got to live and learn with . It 's a decision that I made ; I 've got to grow up and learn from it . It 's a mistake I made with being a football player . Some people don 't understand . " ( on how long it will take him to get over the game ) " Quick . I 'll get over it . Like I said , I made a mistake ; I apologized to my teammates ; it 's something I 've got to grow from . " ( on whether he is staying in Houston during the offseason ) " We have to come back for the [ offseason ] workouts , yeah , but I do train in New Orleans , so I will go home and train first , but I 'll be back . I ain 't going nowhere , trust me . No matter what ( anybody ) says , I ain 't going nowhere . Believe that . " ( on whether it stings to know the team was so close to winning the game ) " Yeah . That 's the thing that hurts , but like I said , that 's going to make us more hungry . It 's something we want to come back from . " ( on what his emotion is today ) " I guess it still hasn 't set in . This is the first chance you get to come over here , get back in the locker room and reality hits you , so it still hasn 't set in . I haven 't had much time to think about it , kind of had to sleep on it last night . " ( on the defense outplaying Baltimore 's defense yesterday ) " We always said the best defense on the field would win the game . Things didn 't work out in our favor and unfortunately we didn 't come up with the win . This game is a team effort and we didn 't make enough plays at the end of the day to win the ball game . " ( on if the loss will take a while to get over ) " I guess it 's a little bit of both because you can take a lot of positives from that game . You say a lot of things that we didn 't come out with the win , this and that , but we had a lot of guys that were injured throughout the season . We started a rookie quarterback , which isn 't an excuse , but whoever 's been to the playoffs , they know the elements of a playoff game and the atmosphere of a playoff game and what it takes to be successful . That 's our first trip there in the playoffs as a Texan and we 're looking forward to going there many years to come . " ( on what it 's like the morning after ) " It 's still fresh , but you go back to work . You got a choice to make . You can shut it down or you can go back to work . The character on this team , I 'm pretty sure guys will take a couple weeks and go back to work . " ( on if the loss was tough to swallow ) " It really was . It 's hard when you feel like you beat yourself , not necessarily they beat you . I think that 's what makes it a lot more difficult . We don 't bang a ball off the bar yesterday and we 're going down to win the ball game . That 's how close this League is . " ( on the mindset of the team ) " Obviously guys are disappointed and excited about the future . They saw what this team is capable of . They saw how we measure up to a lot of what are considered premier teams in this League . I think it only gets better from here to be honest with you . Guys are excited about getting back here next year and going to work again . " ( on being a free agent ) " I want to be a Texan . Great organization , great teammates , obviously great ball club . We can 't control what happens there . The business side of it is what it is . If the Texans want me and I 'm back here , I would love that . " ( on playing well in place on OLB Mario Williams ) " Mario , we could always use him . He 's the best defensive player we 've got and we can always use him . I 'm just looking forward to next year and really putting the past behind me and looking forward to training with this team and getting better . " ( on how unsatisfied he is that they were close to going on the next round ) " Yeah , we know for how much adversity we went through , to know that we could be that much better with a full force of guys of healthy guys . It really goes to show that with all the guys we got , we could really take this thing a lot further and be a much better team . It was just unbelievable to think how far we went with just the amount of injuries we went through . " ( on how it feels for the season to be over ) " It 's tough . It 's come upon us too early . We were really looking forward to coming in and practicing this week , but it was disappointing . " ( on if he 's taken time to savor the season ) " You look back on the season , it was a good season for us , but still not satisfied with the way it ended . We just expected more out of ourselves , but I 'm proud of the way all the guys fought through all the adversity we faced , all the injuries this past season . We had a lot of young guys step up and play big time for us . That 's encouraging for the future of our team and the direction we 're headed . " ( on if he 's looking forward to next season more than he has in the past ) " I feel like it is . We feel better where we 're headed now than we 've been in the past because of just the guys in this locker room , the players that we have . I feel really good about us moving forward . " ( on what needs to change to go further next year ) " We were there this past year . It 's just staying healthy . I think just staying healthy kind of hurt us a little bit this year , but we were still right there into things . I think we have good group . " ( on what his emotions have been like the past few weeks ) " It 's been hard . It 's tough to be standing on the sideline and watch your team play . It 's part of football , so I try to be as much the supporter and help guys out with the game plans through the week , on the sideline with adjustments , help T . J . ( Yates ) out and just try to do as much as I can from that standpoint . But it was definitely hard to not be out there . " ( on if there 's any question if he 'll be ready for training camp ) " No , there 's no question about that . I 'll be ready in OTAs and doing stuff then . It 's a process with the foot with all the wait and all the stuff you got to do moving around side to side , laterally , but it will be fine . I 'm not worried about the rehab process . We 're going to just jump right in and continue to progress as I have already . " ( on if he talked to QB T . J . Yates after the game ) " Yeah , I talked to him a little bit , but it 's something you got to let settle in . You can 't just go and talk right away . You got to let him piece through things . But he played well . He got put in a very tough situation the last month and a half , but he handled it so well and it 's going to help him going forward , to grow as a player and pull from this experience he 's had . It 's going to help his career down the road . " ( on the job that Head Coach Gary Kubiak , offensive coordinator Rick Dennison and quarterbacks coach Greg Knapp did with QB T . J . Yates ) " The coaches did an outstanding job . With all the adversity we had with injuries and things that have taken place this season , to be able to put together plans to attack opposing defenses with the weapons that we have is outstanding . It really goes unnoticed a lot of the times the job that coaches do with type of defenses we were facing and getting guys ready to play . They did a phenomenal job . " ( on how bittersweet it is that people said the Texans could have won if he was playing ) " I don 't know if bittersweet is the way to go . It 's tough because I know what we 're capable of as a football team and to not reach those goals or that potential is hard . But we have the right pieces here and we 're going to be right in this position for many years . Our goal and what we see in the near future is to have yesterday 's game here at Reliant Stadium . " ( on yesterday 's game showing that the Texans are not soft ) " Well we haven 't been a soft team for many years . People think that , but you can 't be the type of team or the type of running team we 've been the last couple years and be soft . That label is false and just it 's not even used or thought of in that realm . We 're a team that 's going to be reckoned with . We 're going to make some noise here for many years and we 're just anxious to get back out there to be honest with you and get ready for next season . " ( on how important it is that RB Arian Foster is re - signed next year ) " Well he 's a huge part of what we do running the football and in the pass game also . You can see what type of damage he can do there . He 's a big part of what we do and we got to have him around and out there for our team . " ( on if this is the most optimistic the team has ever been going into the offseason ) " Absolutely . We have that taste of what it 's like to play in January and I think everyone likes the taste and we want more . We 're hungry . We 're going to have a great offseason , I know it and we 're going to make sure we 're right back here next year . Guys are anxious and excited to move forward . " ( on if he 's had any time to reflect on the season ) " It comes with time . We 're less than 24 hours from the last game , so it 's hard to do that right now . But it 's something you take the next few weeks , think about it , let it sink in , digest it , what took place this past season . Then review it , look at it and then we get ready to go . " ( on how impressed he is that the team regrouped after he went down ) " Yeah , it just shows the perseverance of this team and the mental toughness that we have . It 's next man up . You look at the season , you look at how many games ( Andre Johnson ) ' Dre missed , when I went down , Mario ( Williams ) was out , we missed Arian ( Foster ) for a few games at the beginning . We 're a team . It 's the ultimate team game and when someone goes down or isn 't there , everyone 's got to pick their game up . Our defense played phenomenally all year long and our offensive line stayed together , which was huge . They 're the core of what we do . All in all , our tight ends played outstanding . It was just every piece of the puzzle was playing well . " ( on what defensive coordinator Wade Phillips ' scheme does to make things difficult on opposing offenses ) " Just multiple looks , but they 're relentless . Our guys up front , they create a lot of pressure on opposing quarterbacks . On the run game , we 're physical . Those guys inside played outstanding stuffing other teams ' run games , so they force them to throw . Then our cover guys , the guys we brought in , Johnathan Joseph , ( Danieal ) Manning coming in , Kareem ( Jackson ) played really well this year , GQ ( Glover Quin ) going to safety and what he did for us . We just had every piece of the puzzle working in concert and the pressures that we would bring on third down , it just makes life miserable on opposing offenses . " ( on if it 's hard that they were close to playing in the AFC Championship ) " Yeah , I think that 's probably going to be the hardest thing to take once I get a chance to look at some of the games getting ready to come on and see the people who are playing . That 's when I think it 's actually going to hit me . Right now , it 's just stages you 're going through , ' Dang , if I could have did this , if I could have done that … ' those type of stages or ' Man , what if we would have won ? ' Just those are the type of things you 're going through , but nothing we can do about it now . " ( on if the team has confidence that the future is bright ) " Absolutely , I feel like the future is very bright . I feel like we have some good things coming back . I feel like we got a little taste . We know what it feels like to be in the playoffs , so I think we 'll have a lot higher goals next year . " ( on how quickly the focus changed to getting back to work ) " Absolutely , I don 't think nobody was ready to end playing football right now . It was a whole team vibe and it 's really just like ' Wow , I can 't believe we 're not playing . I can 't believe we 're not at work today . We 're supposed to be at work today , working getting ready for whoever next week . ' This is going to take a while to settle in and we 're not getting a chance to do that . " ( on his rookie season ) " It was fun . I had a blast . This organization is a lot of fun to play for . There 's a lot of great players , a lot of great guys . The owner , the GM , everyone around here is phenomenal , great to work with . " ( on if this was the kind of season he envisioned for himself ) " In my mind I did . This is what I dreamed about , this is what I worked toward , so I wouldn 't say I 'm surprised by it but I 'm very pleased with it . Obviously , wish we could have gone a little bit further . But I 'm happy with the way it went and I have a lot to look forward to . Moving forward , I 'm going to work very , very hard to be even better next year . " ( on how getting into the playoffs leaves him hungrier for next season ) " Oh yeah . Extremely hungry . There 's a lot of motivation headed into this offseason . You get a little bit of a taste and it 's not satisfying . You 're not satisfied with what you got . So now you want to go back and get the whole thing because you 're just not satisfied with what you got . I think that 's our entire team 's attitude and I think that 's what we 're using going into this offseason as motivation is we just don 't want a piece of the pie , we want the whole pie and that 's what we 're working toward . " ( on what about the team tells him that the playoffs weren 't a one - time deal ) " I think the first thing is the disappointment in everyone 's eyes after that game . You could tell that nobody 's satisfied , but then also the type of guys that we have . We have a lot of high - character guys who are extremely hard workers , who put everything they have into this team . That 's how you know this isn 't a one - time thing . That 's how you know we 're going to be back here year after year . " QB T . J . Yates ( on the loss ) " It still stings a little bit . Kind of a weird feeling , knowing you 're coming in today and after you check out meet with the coaches , you 're kind of off . You just don 't know what to do . Got to sit down today , kind of figure out what I 'm going to do the next couple months and just go from there . " ( on if he replayed every play from the Baltimore game all night long ) " I tried to do a pretty good job of just forgetting about it but it 's hard when you see it on TV and talk about it with your friends and family and stuff . You kind of re - live it in your head a couple times , which makes it hurt even more . You just got to move on . You 've got to learn from it . I have a lot to be proud of this season , a lot to learn from so I can move forward in my career . " ( on what he mulls over most from the Divisional game against Baltimore ) " Individually , obviously , the turnovers hurt our football team and chance to win that game because we were in position to win that game a lot of different times . Our defense was playing amazing . Just that fact that a couple things that I did , personally , could definitely turn the outcome of the game is the thing that hurts the most . " ( on if he could have read his mistakes better in the game ) " Yeah , absolutely . You can make better reads . You can make better throws . Obviously , every game you play , there 's a couple plays that you want back and I wanted a few back yesterday . " ( on why he threw into the end zone on the team 's final offensive play when they only needed a few yards for a first down ) " We had a couple chances there early to move the ball down the field . That was the play called . We didn 't have any timeouts left , so if we did complete one inbounds we 'd have to go up and not have much time left . We had to take a chance at the end zone . " ( on going from holding a clipboard two months ago to coming within a touchdown of beating the Ravens in the AFC Divisional game ) " It was a wild season . Those first 10 weeks I didn 't have a jersey on and things happened pretty quick . In this League , you have to be ready to play at a moment 's notice . It was unfortunate circumstances but that 's what happened here this year . I was ready to play and had a great team around me that helped me . " ( on how much quarterbacks coach Greg Knapp and offensive Coordinator Rick Dennison helped him get ready to play ) " So much . All season long , those first 10 weeks that I wasn 't playing , I was being quizzed and pushed and just as much as the guys out there on the field . Credit to them for helping me get ready mentally , knowing that I wasn 't getting the reps physically . " ( on what head coach Gary Kubiak said to him ) " He was proud of me , the way I played and stepped in . He knows that I have a lot of learning to do and a lot of room to grow . He was proud of me but he knows that I still have a lot of work to do . " ( on how excited he is to have a full offseason to prepare for next season ) " It 's exciting . I 'm going to take some time off to kind of just relax . But I 'm excited to get back to work and start getting ready for next season . " ( on if this is the most exciting offseason for the team , given what can be in front of them ) " Absolutely . We knew that this season , we could have had a lot more and we had the right formula and the right team to make a run at it . That 's encouraging going into the offseason . " ( on savoring the positive moments from the season ) " Yeah , you can definitely take the positives out of everything you do , even after a tough loss , tough performance . Those fans have been great all year long , showed so much support even after the game last night , all the fans outside . That was something special . " ( on what he feels he learned most during the season ) " It 's hard to narrow it down . I learned a lot . A lot about carrying myself as a player in this League . A lot about in - game situations and how to deal with certain things and how to deal with the defenses that I 'm seeing and winning and losing . I can go on forever about how much I learned this season from everybody here that 's helped me and just from in - game experiences . " ( on having full support from his teammates ) " That 's something that 's even more special . To have the respect of the guys in the locker room is one of the most important things , I think , to have in this profession . You play for them and they play for you and that 's the toughest thing about the game yesterday , is I felt I let them down . " Copyright © 2017 Houston Texans . All rights reserved . No portion of HoustonTexans . com may be duplicated , redistributed or manipulated in any form . By accessing any information beyond this page , you agree to abide by the HoustonTexans . com Privacy Policy , Code of Conduct , and Terms and Conditions .
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Hi everyone it 's been a long time , I know . But if you ever have any questions feel free to email me or post to the blog . There are tons of information and tips in the previous posts , so look there too for some answers . Today I want to talk about traveling with a potty training toddler . Over the summer we traveled long distance in the car , driving about 18 hours one day and 10 hours on another trip . At this point my daughter was 19 - 20 months , so about a month or two of being completely potty trained and she did awesome , stayed dry the whole time . One thing I feel is necessary is to have their little potty seat in the car with you . It serves as a reminder and it is great for those ' I have to go NOW ' moments . Sometimes trying to find a potty on the highway is impossible and a mile can be a long time for a child to wait . I tried to limit drinks to sleepy time and meals , or just let them take a sip or two here and there , but no guzzling esp for the whole trip ! Remember to continue praising them when they did stay dry or told you they had to go . Another thing I didn 't leave w / o was my traveling potty seat . It 's a collapsible one that will fit in your purse , so I use that for our toilet insert when we are at relatives houses or rest areas . My kids are ok with new things and find them exciting , but if you know your child dislikes change then I would suggest bringing exactly what they like at home , unless it 's the whole toilet , of course . : ) It 's also very convenient to have the potty seat in the car even when going around town running errands . How many times have you asked your child if they need to go potty in the store and the minute you leave or start driving off they have to go ' BAD ' . You won 't always need it , just for the first few months when they ( and you ) are still learning their signals / signs . Some other things to remember are to keep an extra pullup , undies and bottoms stashed away in the car and to change it out for seasons . And whatever you do , don 't go backwards and start using diapers again , it just sends mixed signals . Once they are out of them , they should be out of them for good ! We had a really good breakthrough this past week ( end ) . On Friday Deidra was feeling sick but since we had out of state family in we went out sightseeing . She was laying around most of the trip with a pullup on . While out eating she started complaining and thought she had to go potty . I took her to the restroom and sat her on the big potty . As normal she didn 't like it or want to go on it . After about 10 mins she started complaining / signalling again like she had to go . I sat her on it again , but this time I offered her candy as a reward . And then she did it , she peed on the public potty ! ! ! She kept her pullup dry the rest of the trip and ride home that day . I hope she continues this trend so we can start working our way into going out in undies instead of pullups ! ! Another breakthrough this weekend was that on another day we were headed out to the store . Being in a rush , I forgot to have her try to go before we were leaving . I just started putting a pullup on and after she was all dressed she started crying ' potty , potty , potty ' . I pulled down her pullup and sat her on the potty and she went peepee ! ! ! She has been doing Really Good with peeing on demand , like before we go out to play or before bed / nap time ! Also we did some undie work this past week and she is getting better at that . She will go on the potty when she is wearing undies , she just doesn 't remember to pull them down or needs help pulling them down . We are planning a long drive this upcoming month and I have a feeling that she will be in the stage where she doesn 't want to pee in a pullup anymore and is going to ask to go potty every 1 / 2 hour , lol Should be a lot of fun ! ! lol Helpful tip for public potties . . . . if you sit your child on a automatic flusher , remember to stay in position the whole time they are on the seat so the sensor does not go off . A good spot is squatted or bent over in front of them / the seat . Also there are some great portable potty seats available to buy . I have one that folds into a quarter its size , fits in a larger sized purse or normal sized diaper bag ! It gives them the extra support they need for the big seats ! Hi everyone , I think we are about one month into potty training . Deidra by far has been the most difficult out of all my girls . But she is doing great ! She is completely potty trained . . . . . at home with no bottoms on : ) She has been accident free at home for sometime now . She will go peepee or poopoo on her potty without any help and will come tell me after she is done so we can wipe , flush and wash . I am so very proud of her . Now going out in public is a different thing . I blame this partially on me . We recently got a new car and I don 't want peepee in it , so I have been putting pullups on her when we go out . And just as I suspected she will pee in them . After all kids aren 't dummies ! They know it 's just a glorified diaper . I have been making more of an effort to bring portable potty seat with us when we are out and to offer or ask her if she has to go potty while we are out . Now we did go to a friends house for a potty party and she did go on the little potties that were out for them . So I know she knows to still go potty even if we are not at home . I just need to lay some towels in her car seat and hope for the best . We have been also working on wearing bottoms . She has been doing pretty good with that as well . I wait until she goes potty ( and hasn 't downed a drink ) , then I will either put undies or loose pants on her and venture out into the neighborhood . She has told me a few times ' potty ' and I picked her up and brought her home to go potty ; and then we 've gone back out . This is a good way to show them that we CAN take a break to go potty and still be able to go back to our activity ! That is really important b / c that is a big concern to them . This upcoming month . . . Have you ever gone on a diet to try to lose weight ? ? ? Did you just dive in or did you have a plan of action ? Did you get frustrated and want to give up ? Did you give up only to put the weight back on and have to start all over again ? Do you see a pattern or similarities to potty training ? Potty training takes time just like weightloss does . You are not going to lose those 10 or 20 lbs in one week . It 's a gradual process and one that needs constant attention . You can 't say well I 'm gonna eat a healthy breakfast and then burgers , fries and a soda for lunch and dinner and think you are going to lose weight . You have to stick with your plan all day long and start all over again in the morning . Potty training is the same way , you have to be reminding them and talking to them about going to the potty all day . They need reminders just like we do ! They need incentives just like we do . They need consistancy just like we do . And they need encouragement just like we do ! Don 't we tend to feel more confident and ready to go when we read articles on others weightloss success ? Or when we arm ourselves with information to get us going or back on track ? Do the same with your child , keep reading the books or watching the videos . Knowledge truly does empower us to take on difficult tasks ! When we are trying to lose weight we have to learn to incorporate exercise into our daily routine . Try to figure out ways to incorporate potty time into your daily routine . For example , going potty when you wake up , going potty before you go out or before you go to bed . Show them that this is a part of Mommy 's and Daddy 's life and now it is a part of theirs . Show them that we don 't take a time out during the day and put a pullup on b / c we don 't want to try , show them that if we have to go potty while we are out we use a public one . And show them your confidence in them and your confidence in knowing that everything is ok and nothing bad will happen to them ( esp in the big scary restrooms ) . If you need help implementing a plan , let me know and I can help ! If you are frustrated , write a comment and get it off your chest . We all have been there and know how frustrating it can be ! And as always , remember CONSISTANCY is key ! I think we are officially 2 weeks in . It 's been a long messy 2weeks ! ! I 'll admit I questioned myself everyday for the first week , but kept reassuring myself that consistency would eventually pay off , and it has ! ! I think yesterday was our first accident free day at home . She went on her potty all by herself every time . And last night I was cleaning up after dinner and the rest of the crew was in the living room and she just sat on her potty and went peepee and poopoo ! ! ! She 's been doing really well with going poopoo on the potty , she just sometimes wakes up with it in her pullup . But if she 's up she will go in her potty ! Some things I 've noticed / learned : Now she still goes in her pullups while we are out so I really try to limit the amount of time we go out or the amount of time I keep her in a pullup . I 'm hoping that within the next two weeks she will start staying dry when we go out for short periods of time . Some things to work on : - I think I will give her one more week of bare bottom at home - start the routine of putting undies on her right after she goes potty and going outside to play or for a walk and then come in after a half hour and have her sit on the potty . Hopefully that will teach her two things , go potty before we leave the house and keep undies dry ! ! - I also have been putting the potty outside during playtime as a reminder to go when she needs to So proud of my big girl ! Remember . . . Consistency ! ! ! So we are a few days shy of two weeks into potty training . We definitely ARE NOT ready for undies yet , but we have made some significant improvements since my last post . On Friday she woke up nearly dry and I took her pullup off right away and she peed in her potty w / in 20 mins . Then that morning we went to playgroup and she peed on the potty there and then a few times at home . . . . but when she woke up from nap she was not on her game . The few days after that were close to the same - half of the day good , half bad . Just when I was about to pull my hair out she would go all by herself w / o me prompting and come and tell me when she would go . My husband and I think she just doesn 't want me telling her when to go . . . . lol stubborn little thing . Today we were almost accident free , she went on the potty all day except for nap time of course and once after egg hunting when I took her pullup off ( which was dry ) . Which leads me to believe ( as I always have ) the pullup is confusing her . Today she peed on her potty right before she got into the tub for a bath and then right when she got out of the tub . And then this evening she had two accidents while I was having her sit on the potty every so often . . . . go figure . I will just continue to move forward and stay at home as much as possible so that she can hopefully be accident free ( bare bottom wise ) by the end of this upcoming week ! ! Remember Consistency is Key ! I was on the phone and she was playing and she got up and walked over to her potty and pooped right in it ! ! ! And when she was done she said ' POOPOO ' ! ! ! SO SO HAPPY and PROUD of HER ! ! So I think we are 1 week in or just about . . . What a whirlwind it has been . Last time I posted she peed in the potty that night . Well the next day I don 't think she even hit it once , and the few days to follow were the same . She would try at times , but not actually go and other times she would be playing and just pee where she was at . There were many times where I definitely wanted to throw the towel in ( or a diaper on ) lol , but kept telling myself " " consistency " . Today we had a pretty good day . I made sure to just sit with her just about the whole day at ALL times . . . I had food in the freezer that I had prepared over the weekend so that was helpful in being able to sit with her during the evening hours and my oldest was on ' probation ' so I assigned all my cleaning for her to do : ) Well sitting with her all day really paid off . She peed the majority of the time in the potty today while we sat there watching potty movies and reading books ( potty books ) . After a while , I honestly kinda felt like I had been expecting her to get ' it ' on her own at first w / o too much of the daily reading of the books and watching the movies . And then thought we should continue with all the potty teaching tools and reteach her what it is I expect from her . I 'm thinking that I need to do the same thing ( devote all my attention to her ) for the next few days as well to really create a sustained habit . One more thing , A BIG THING . . . . after dinner ( and dribbling on the floor , grrr ) she was sitting on the floor playing with her toys and I was loading the dishwasher . . . . Well I saw her get up and run over to her potty . . . I thought , ' naw , she can 't be doing it on her own ' ; so I went over to see what she was doing and she said ' poopoo ' and YES SHE DID , she pooped in the potty ALL BY HERSELF ! ! ! ! I was so happy and proud of her ! ! She got some skittles for that and LOTS of Hugs and Kisses ! So if you take anything away from this post it is . . . Don 't Give Up , Consistency is key , and keep teaching even when you feel they should know what to do ! ! ! I hope we have a good day tomorrow and don 't take a step backwards ! Posted by Most of the day was pretty rough . Lot 's of pee still on the floor , but she attempted to go on the potty almost Every time ! ! She would stop what she was doing and go over to the potty and sit down , but then she would whimper a little and then get up . And then go back to playing and then the same thing again . And then it would end up on the floor . Well just a little while ago she was jumping around on the couch and all of a sudden she had that look on her face and she got down and sat on the potty , same thing a whimper and nothing . She did that about 3 times and I just kept saying " Deidra if you have to go peepee go on the potty ' . And then she got down again and sat on the potty and I started reading her a book ( I have several by the potty at all times ) and she did it , she pee 'd right in it ! And then she got up and walked straight to the pantry for candy , LOL . She deserved it , so I gave her 2 Valentine 's hearts . YAY ! ! I hope tomorrow is another good day and a ' cleaner ' day ! ! I also caught poopoo on the potty today . She was playing and I saw she was gearing up to go and I sat her on the potty and out it came ! So Dorian and I did the ' poopoo on the potty ' dance and gave her some m & m 's ! The look on her face when she see 's her poop in the potty is priceless ! My husband questioned whether she was ready or not today b / c she pee 'd while sitting in her highchair eating dinner . . . . and then I was kinda questioning things , but also felt like we were moving forward . . . . well Deidra peeing on the potty w / o me putting her on it or catching it really gave me that extra confidence that I needed ! Potty training is exhausting . Time to put the pull up on and the kids to sleep so I can let my guard down until tomorrow morning . . . Day 2 was ok . Still lot 's of pee on the floor . But we got a poop on the potty and then after that point she tried harder . At one point she had a peepee trail to the potty . She tried getting to the potty but didn 't make it in time . So not fully successful yet , but getting there . This morning ( day 3 ) , she has been trying more . She was playing for a while and then got up suddenly and sat on the potty , but no peepee came out . So she 's still a little hesitant on peeing on the potty , but really aware of what her body is doing and what she needs to do . I hope we have more success today ! Posted by Yesterday was our first day of training and one thing I have to say is . . . . my carpet is going to need some shampooing ! ! lol As expected the pee hit the floor all day long . Two positive things were - we had to go out to the bank and store for a few things and she stayed dry in a pull up . Had to use one b / c we were about to sell my car and the last thing I wanted was pee or poop smell in it ! The second thing was that towards the end of the day she would tell me she was peeing on the floor by saying POTTY ! So some connections are being made ! Oh and she pooped in her pull up while she was taking a nap , so at least I didn 't have that mess on the floor ! I tend to dislike tracking time , like I would just feed my baby when they showed signs of being hungry or would never keep track of how many times a day they would feed stuff like that . But with having a sick kiddo at home this week and running a larger household I 'm finding that I have to be doing things and can 't keep track of her all the time . . . so we are going to try the timer today . This way I can put her on the potty every 30 mins . I have notice some of her signals and will be looking for more of those today so we can hopefully ' catch ' the pee today ! And lastly I wanted to say , I have NO diapers in the house so this way I 'm not going to turn to them . My daughter is now 16mths . My other 2 girls were potty trained at 17mths , so I 'm thinking let 's try # 3 around the same time . . . . So many mom 's ask ' how do I get started ? ' Well for the past several months , we have been watching potty videos , reading potty books and we have increased ' the potty talk ' around the house ; no , we are not walking around cussing each other out , LOL . I 've been announcing who 's going peepee or poopoo on the potty . And when I change her diaper I 'll say ' did you go poopoo ' or if I can tell she 's going I 'll say ' are you going poopoo ? ' She now has most of her ' potty ' words down ; and no she 's not walking around cussing either ( well , maybe she looks like she is sometimes , but that 's probably about her sisters taking her things , lol ) She 'll now tell me before , during and after she goes poopoo . When I change her diaper she pats herself and says POTTY , very loud and proud . And she tries to sing the ' peepee on the potty ' song ! ! She also knows what ' go sit on the potty ' means and does it . So , what am I waiting for . . . . well , she kinda didn 't care if I was upset with her about anything and didn 't quite grasp consequences for her actions . But in the past 2 weeks I have noticed a shift in that . I have noticed that when I give her a stern look or voice , she reacts and looks ' sorry ' for her actions . Now I am just waiting for things to calm down somewhat . My middle child turns 3 this weekend and we have some outings planned . And I have playgroup at my house the following day , so naked butt baby would probably not be the best . I 'm hoping to ' clear ' my schedule for a week or two w / minimal outings , like only picking my daughter up from preschool and that 's it for the few weeks after this weekend . And then I 'm hoping to have success . I must admit I am a bit nervous this time around , kinda like I 'm on display or an exhibit and everyone is watching . But I 'm trying not to let that affect my attitude towards what I believe I know how to do ( plus if she smell desperation that might cause a battle I 'm not wanting to fight ) We all have our fears of failing and sometimes I think that is why we put things off or make up excuses on why we are not doing what we could be doing . So I 'm not goiCheck back in a week or two ! I will hopefully be posting daily on how things are going and what we are doing on a daily basis to get this thing down ! Are you sticking with it , moving forward ? Have you stalled and took a step back ? Remember to keep moving forward , children need rules , they need consistency . Don 't confuse them with ' today we will potty train , but tomorrow I don 't have the time ' . Start when you know you have a week to dedicate to helping them get it down into their routine and then they can succeed . If you are having trouble commenting on a post , feel free to send me an email if you have any questions or comments and I can try to post them or just answer them . One of the main questions or concerns I hear about is the child that cries when he or she is about ' to go ' while sitting on the potty . One thing to remember is that they are just unsure of this thing their body does , is doing or about to do . These functions have been hidden behind the diaper for so long and it can be a bit scary . When I started training my daughters the first day was about everything hitting the floor basically . You are playing catch . You are trying to catch them and get them to the potty in time so that they can see that what just came out of their body is now in their potty ( so keep your play area limited and potty in the same area ) . And then when they see YOUR reaction and how it pleases you , well , they will come back for more . If they are timid and scared then it is our jobs as mommy 's to soothe their fears and to reassure them that it is ok and no harm will come to them . My daughters never really cried to pee , but the first poopoo was always the scariest . You kinda have to take a firm stand and keep things moving forward , but don 't turn it into a battle . I remember just sitting there next to them , hugging them and telling them " it 's ok I know you are scared but Mommy does it , Daddy does it , Grandma and Grandpa do and now you will be a big girl just like us " . You name everyone they know and admire including their favorite characters . And by doing so , then maybe you can change the subject to their favorite character and have a conversation about them . Or read the potty books you have that shows the poop in the potty . Distraction at this age is a wonderful tool ! I always gave a special treat for poopoo . Not everyone agrees or some worry that they will have to do this forever . You don 't , that eventually passes . I just thought there was no harm in it . People reward their animals w / treats for doing pointless tricks , why can 't our children get rewarded w / treats for doing something that affects their life in a positive way . At some point , Yeah it might be bribery , but for the most part it is rewardinpottytrainingqueen Last night my 14mth old had a rash from pooping too much that day . So I left her diaper off after changing her so the air could help it heal . . . Well we were upstairs and the two little ones were running around while I was poking around in the attic . All of a sudden my 2yr old says ' Mommy , what 's that ? Deeder 's pooped ' . Well yep she sure did on the floor , so I picked her up and put her on the potty just in case there was anything else . She was a little taken back by the incident and was a little upset so I got her down wiped her up , diapered her and cleaned up the mess . She normally likes to sit on the potty either naked or with a diaper on . I 'm not officially potty training her right now , but with two older sisters she is aware of it and finds it interesting . I 've noticed she is about a month ahead of my other two . I noticed at @ 15mths they became increasingly interested in me going so I would pull out the potty at that time and let them sit on it when I go . At that time I also would start looking at the books so that they can start making some associations and become aware that ' babies ' and ' mommy 's ' both use the potty . So it 's a good idea to look for cues from your children to see when they peek interest . . . then it shouldn 't be a power struggle ! Hi there , I 'm finally starting my blog on potty training . I 've been wanting to create a blog for a while now , but being a busy SAHM to 3 girls my time always seems to slip away . I have been writing a book / pamphlet on potty training for about a year now ( on & off ) . I started my book while I was potty training my second daughter a little over a year ago . And after she was potty trained I went out of that mindset and walked away from it . I am a bit of an advocate on potty training your child at a early age , like 15 - 18 months of age . All of my mommy friends know this and often come to me for advise . So with the encouragement of them I finally set up my blog and hope to have my book done and for sale within a few months . If you ever have any questions please feel free to ask . And if you ever need to vent about a frustrating potty training day , please feel free to talk to me . We can work through the issues together . Thanks for following me , Wendy aka - pottytrainingqueen I am a SAHM to three girls ages 10 , 3 , 1 . 5yr . I had my older 2 girls potty trained by 17mths and I 'm looking at potty training my youngest in about 2 mths . I like to share my ideas and concepts to other mommies to help take the guess work out of potty training !
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May 16 , 2014 By : Shana4 CommentsI 'm starting to see a pattern . A pattern I don 't like . A pattern I can 't figure out how to stop . Ashlynne was gone on Friday which meant Casey and I had time to ourselves . It seems like that would be a good thing , but the pattern that we can 't seem to break is fighting once she leaves . It 's like her being gone and us being alone gives us a new freedom to address issues whenever we want and brings us to a realization that things aren 't quite right . If you 'll remember , the last time she was gone was the time I ran away to the park . The time before that was the breakdown over a cancelled date to see the Steeldrivers . And so on and so forth . Every time we have one of these fights , I feel like we come out on the other side more emotionally connected and with a better understanding of each other . I even feel like we have a game plan of preventing similar blowups in the future , but I suppose I 've been proven wrong . So Friday night started off rough before Ashlynne even left . In fact , things got rocky as soon as Casey got home from work . We ended up in a small disagreement that we were able to hash out before Ashlynne returned from softball practice . I was excited as I felt like we had recognized our disconnection and taken immediate steps to repair . Not the best repair we 've ever had , but in my mind , we were reconciled . I guess I was deceived . It wasn 't an immediate blowup , but man did things hit the fan hard later that night . Everything was going quite well after our discussion . We were on a mission to come up with a game plan for getting the house packed over Spring Break so we sat down in front of my computer and made a list of ideas based off various articles I had found on Pinterest . Then we made a run to the liquor store for boxes and then Office Max and Big Lots for packing supplies . Not the most romantic evening , but it was nice time together . It wasn 't until we got in bed that things got bad . Sadly , our topic of disagreement was the same one as earlier . You know , the one I thought we had resolved . It 's a topic that has plagued our marriage almost from day 1 : physical intimacy . We 've had so many fights come from that topic that the thought of it can make me cringe . So the topic came up as were lying in bed . As we started to try and repair it was clear that this wasn 't going to be like any other fight . Casey was beyond angry and frustrated , and I was beyond hurt . It wasn 't a good combination and led to one of the most explosive arguments we 've ever had . But you know what else it led to ? A flood of honesty and transparency . Words were spoken that should have left our lips years ago . Our hearts were poured out in front of each other and for the first time , we were able to talk about physical intimacy in a new light , the same light . As we ended the night we hadn 't solved all of our issues or even this disagreement , but we had been able to draw closer together and reconnect . Although I am thankful for the progress we made through this fight , I can 't say that I 'm not fearful that it leads nowhere . We seem to be stuck in this cycle of disconnection , disagreement , and reconnection with hopes of staying connected more consistently , but ultimately , we keep finding ourselves back at disconnection . It 's like we see the immediate results of a deeper connection , but it quickly fades as we flow back into our normal routine , back in to what 's comfortable for us , which often means our marriage isn 't a priority . Then it all blows up when Ashlynne goes away for the weekend , and the distractions are gone . Maybe next time will be different . Ashlynne will be gone for a full 10 days so that should give us enough time to establish some new routines and build on this emotional connection . That 's my prayer . In the meantime , we 'll be packing for our move to the new home . Did I mention we 're under contract ? Let the chaos begin . March 5 , 2014 By : Shana17 CommentsIf you haven 't noticed , I ask all the Wednesday Wives to be honest with you about their marriage . We don 't do whitewashed stories here at Love Truthfully . I am so thankful that my sorority sister , Emily - Anne , was bold enough to go where no Wednesday Wife has gone before … SEX . Even though it covers our lives in today 's world ( although a corrupt view of it ) , talking about marital sex is still feared by so many , especially Christians . Our silence has allowed the devil to keep his stronghold on one of the most intimate and important aspects of marriage . It 's time to break those chains and get real ! Emily - Anne paints an honest picture of life before and after kids that I 'm sure anyone with children can relate to . I know we have shared many of the same struggles since our niece moved in with us . It 's not east being WIFE AND MOM . Don 't believe me ? Read this post ! Please remember that when we share like this we are leaving ourselves vulnerable . This is our chance to love on Emily - Anne . Please make sure to leave a comment thanking her for sharing or letting her know how her story has encouraged or comforted you . I was a Junior at ETSU when I broke up with my boyfriend in the Spring . I was left with a guy telling me I would fall in love with him and I was only feeling you certainly aren 't the " one " . After that break up , I swore off guys . I didn 't want to meet , be set up with , or pursue one single man until God brought into my life the one guy I was supposed to marry . How was I supposed to do that if I refused to even meet someone ? It didn 't matter … I knew God would have it all figured out ! Well , we had a summer trip planned for NYC and upon our return , we both had to stop at our homes in Knoxville to pick up our dogs our parents watched for us while gone . My friend had to stop by her mom 's work place downtown , and since I was tagging along , she decided that I should just say hello to Jason Buck anyway . So I did . I remember he had on an orange polo and was doing crosswords puzzles in a newspaper . And I had on a new NY Yankees hat , new Tiffany 's necklace ( think Legally Blonde ) , and denim skirt . We met , shook hands , swapped a few words for 5 minutes , and that was it ! I was holding true to my word . I walked away thinking , " Well , he 's cute . " And that was it . He walked away thinking , " Dang ! I like that Yankees hat on her ! " . ( haha I 'm not sure about this but I do think I remember something he said similar ) So 3 months pass and we have a sorority function coming up . I had sworn off guys so much that I was left without a single frat boy to ask to our formal . Standing outside of class , I jokingly asked my best friend , " hey should I call that Jason Buck guy ? " . She squealed , " Yes ! Do it ! 679 - Buck ! " That night I was babysitting late . Once the kids went to bed , I calmly ( wasn 't nervous since I was swearing off guys ) called Jason . And again . And again once more . See , on my end it wasn 't ringing … at all . On his end , it rang 3 times and he wasn 't picking up this unknown number because he had company over for dinner . So after he thought , " who is this crazy person ? " and I left him a voice mail , he returned my call the next night . From about 9pm that night until 5am the next morning , we stayed on the phone . I barely remembered what he looked like ! BUT within 2 hours ( we had to take an hour break because we had sorority initiation stuff going on ) I had beamed to my best friends that I just hung up the phone with the guy I was going to marry ! And in all truth , I felt that in the first 5 minutes . He simply said 4 words that caught me hook , line , and sinker : " I 'm a Christian nerd . " Our phone calls went on like this throughout the night for the next 10 days . He couldn 't make it to my sorority formal , but he did accept coming to our next event : What the Heck Redneck informal . Here was a guy I talked on the phone with for 10 days , KNEW I was going to marry , and only remembered he had dark hair and skin . And he was driving up to Johnson City and would be staying at my house . Wow … we were both nervous ! Jason however , almost chickened out . He says it was the devil trying to take it all away ! He had his bible study friends praying for him and pushing him and encouraging him to not break plans with me . So off he went to a small college town to meet this 22 year old girl . Fast forward to August 2005 … we were engaged ! And did you notice our wedding date ? ! Yes , I planned our wedding in a little less than 3 months . Why ? ( no I wasn 't pregnant … as some people assumed … I was a VIRGIN ) I was EXCITED ! And to be honest , ( as I wouldn 't just say this to anyone but because this is a marriage blog and have come to see the importance this has on a marriage , I 'm going to say it ) I didn 't want to wait a full year to have SEX . I was ready to BE with my future husband . So there is the # 1 reasoning behind me planning my wedding so quickly … I was ready to have sex ! If someone asked me on my wedding day , why I was getting married , I would have said I had prayed and longed for a man like Jason since I was 16 . That he was my answer to prayer and the man God had created just for me . I definitely had in my heart the longing to spend eternity with one man if it was the right relationship ! I have stayed married because of our # 1 commitment to God and to each other . I was once told while I was engaged to not even let the word " divorce " be in my vocabulary . It hasn 't . Yes , I have 2 gorgeous , rambunctious little boys . Children has affected our marriage for sure . With the first born , the first year was quite a blur . I didn 't feel comfortable leaving the house at all ( I breast feed my babes so this makes it tricky at times ) so when we did finally start going on a few dates again , they were like at 4pm for a quick dinner . After a full year had passed , I felt our life started to resume a little bit more normally . Although we still didn 't get many dates , this is when we had to get creative with homemade dinners by candlelight in our PJ 's and movies to rent . Then we found out I was pregnant again . I get terribly sick with my pregnancies and threw up for 37 weeks with my 2nd pregnancy . This leaves me completely MIA and not wanting anything but my pillow ! With the 2nd child , ( born December 2012 ) things got even more chaotic . Even our vacations weren 't a vacation . On a beach trip previously with 1 child , we at least tried to hang out while our son was napping . With 2 kids at the beach , my husband had 1 and I had the other . It seems we were on opposite schedules and this started happening in our home . With 2 kids at dinner time , we can 't even get a word in to each other , and by time they are both in bed , we are so exhausted from the work day and playing with the kids , that we didn 't have a word to say to each other . We 'd be cleaning up the kitchen and making sandwiches for the kids ' lunchboxes in silence . So if I were to answer the question directly , I would say it has affected my marriage by bringing us closer as a family , but dividing my husband and I up even more . It has most certainly become a marriage I have to work at after 8 years whereas before everything seemed easy . I say this positively though because I like challenges . I now have to work at something to make it better where we aren 't just " roommates " anymore . Overall our greatest trial has been physical intimacy . We are presently trying to overcome this and it 's too fresh to say it has been overcome . I 've currently gone to see a Christian sex therapist alone and we are at least communicating more about this . I hate to say it , but the devil certainly had our marriage under attack and this is how he wedged himself in our marriage . The most challenging aspect of being a wife is being a WIFE . I 'm now a mommy of 2 … do I need to say more ? I have such little time to do much . I work full time and even my devotionals are done in the car or while locked in the bathroom . I pray daily on how to be a better wife and learn to balance these roles even more . If you asked me this question as a newlywed , I think it was hard to understand what the whole " submissive " role meant as a wife . Once it clicked in my head what it truly meant , it was a relief to understand the role my husband has with God is not my own . Being a wife has changed me in learning to be more dependent on someone . I 'm extremely independent and I feel I don 't really " need " anyone . My husband once counteracted this by reminding me I constantly had a boyfriend , one after another my whole life , but I truly just had fun and never needed them . ( I was never ever dumped ! Ha ! ) Who knows , maybe he 's on to something a little deeper I don 't even know about myself yet and I 'm still learning 🙂 So I guess you can say I 'm still learning to show my affection to a husband that wants to feel more loved and doted on . Date night ! HA ! Well , before kids , it was me excitedly running to the door on a Friday night waiting impatiently for my husband to get home to find out where we were going for dinner or what movie to see . He was exhausted and I was ready to go ! And Saturdays were usually spent in bed eating pizza and watching movies until 2am . Post baby : We go to dinner about once every 4 - 6 months ! Yep . Quite pitiful . Can 't fully afford a babysitter and with my parents watching our kids 3 days a week , I don 't like to ask them to do much more . Kids - We are presently trying to not give 110 % to our kids . ( We compliment ourselves and each other that we are the most devoted parents in the whole world to our kids , but that is where we have struggled to devoting more to each other ! ) But for myself to not give as much to my kids is a big struggle . I don 't " get " how not to , especially at this age ! I 'd say TV and exhaustion sort of go together . We are so worn out by the end of the day , we each love to crash ( him on the couch downstairs and me in the bed upstairs ) to enjoy our " shows " . We are also presently trying to find more things to watch together to get us started there spending more time and at least being in the same room . Before kids ( here we go again … seeing a pattern ? ! ) we were in a Sunday school class and a small group . Our current church we haven 't joined yet since we are newer so we aren 't in either . Small group took up so much time we don 't feel we have that time to give at this moment . As far as family and friends go , we have tons of support and Godly people surrounding us . I wish someone explained further that sex would be the way it is . I do remember my mom saying something about hoping I wasn 't " let down " because I literally was so excited that I wanted all my wedding showers to be lingerie showers ! It 's like we were cursed on our honeymoon and it 's just spiraled down from there . It 's never been easy for us . Don 't marry a nonbeliever . I have seen what this has done to couples that are equal here . It 's a struggle and sad . Even through our struggles I at least know I have a praying husband and a man that is Godly and seeks God through everything always . What more do I need than that ? ! Marry someone that is going to be a good Father . I have the BEST man for my boys . THE BEST . Feel lucky and blessed . I am amazed that I have such a great man to be married to and I don 't want to take that for granted . So don 't . If my husband had to answer this , I think he would say communication . He has mentioned how important this is for us lately based on the struggles we are currently facing . Susan and Ryan are dear friends of ours . We 've had the true joy of walking through life with them the last few years and watching them daily choose love when so many would throw in the towel . Although they 've endured deep trials that still impact their marriage today , the Russells are one of the most hopeful and fun couples I know . Not to mention , they are the masters of game nights and come up with the most creative game ideas . Please remember that when we share like this we are leaving ourselves vulnerable . This is our chance to love on Susan and Ryan . Please make sure to leave a comment thanking her for sharing or letting her know how her story has encouraged or comforted you . If you or your spouse is struggling with temptation towards pornography , please seek help . XXXchurch is a great online resource , but I encourage you to tell a close friend or your pastor and begin taking steps together towards recovery . If you 're spouse is not convicted about their addiction , seek help for yourself and pray pray pray for the Holy Spirit to lead him or her to repentance and help . The thing is , Ryan doesn 't remember meeting me over lunch with friends . All in all , it was a good thing - since I was in some kind of " I 'm a mature 18 - year - old college girl " funk and wrote him off as a weirdo . We " re - met " at Belmont through the same mutual friends , and after a year of sand - volleyball tournaments , game nights , concerts , and all the other college things to do , I realized that Ryan was actually a stud who would never think of asking a girl like me out . His parents came to town to celebrate his birthday and even though I was sure I had mortally embarrassed myself in front of them , they called him a few days later and asked about " that Susan girl " and " why he wasn 't dating her " . Our first date was ice cream and walk in the park , and then we wrote letters over the summer . Ryan was at Pine Cove in Texas , and I was in Michigan . I was certain I wanted a relationship by 2 weeks in , but it took Ryan until September and some good advice from a friend to give it a try . So from start to finish , after 1 year of friendship , 2 years of dating , and 51 weeks of engagement , we got married . I think I 'd have said because Ryan was my best friend , I loved him , it was the next logical step , and because it also felt like God was leading us that way as well . I would not have given you a highly emotional answer or anything full of fireworks . I certainly loved Ryan , but I was also sober to the gravity of the life - altering decision I was making . Funny thing - I still had no clue exactly what that life - altering would look like or mean . Partly because I love Ryan and want to see a strong healthy relationship grow , and partly because I committed before God to love this man . I can honestly say though , that it is an act of God that we 've made it this far . We don 't have some kind of super marriage stamina … we can only say that we 've been willing to work hard and that God has slowly walked us on . One of the only truly wise things anyone said to me before we got hitched was this : " The hardest year is the year you 're in , because every day you have to wake up and make a choice to love . " It was profound , unsolicited , and may just be the truest description of marriage . And I , of course , had no clue what that would actually look like . The first year or so was really smooth sailing for us , but in year two it was as if someone hit " pulverize " on the blender of life . Ryan was attending a course offered by our church on sexual integrity and we ended up in a counselor 's office sorting through questions that had surfaced . That day Ryan admitted for the first time to having a sexual addiction that had started when he was 14 . He had not had an affair , but he had not been faithful to our marriage and to me . It sent me reeling . I knew before we were married that he struggled with pornography from time to time , but the depth of his fight was Ryan 's secret . We were hugely disconnected , since he 'd been aware of his problem and working towards healing for a while . I was playing catch up . I was sent back to day one of our relationship , unsure of what was real and what wasn 't . It was like sorting through the wreckage of a house whose foundation had collapsed . I didn 't know how to trust , and I was hurt and angry . We jumped into counseling , although the first round of it wasn 't a great experience . We both felt boxed in by our counselors , and misunderstood / mistrusted by each other . I had hard questions that many people didn 't know how or want to answer . I lost good friends who just weren 't able to walk with me into the deepness of our pain . I was given advice in extremes . People told me to be silent and keep it to myself , to get out while I still could , to seek revenge and to put Ryan 's faults on display . True friends told me to keep trying , to be open , reminding me that Ryan was a good man seeking reconciliation and change . The short version is that we just kept doing the next best thing . We kept going to counseling - trying it on and leaving what didn 't fit . We talked , fought , cried , and just kept walking . We were gut - level honest with a small group of couples that reciprocated authentic relationship and have now become some of our closest friends . They along with our other close friends walked patiently with us and gave us room to be a mess . They allowed us to be real . We did cover a lot of ground and come to a point where we thought we had " gotten through " it , but that assumption was shortly corrected by a new round of brokenness . This time , the advice from way back echoed loudly in my head . Every day you have to wake up and choose to love . For a Christian , choosing to love is choosing to let go of your ability to make it happen . The logical part of me hated and still hates this . I want to be able to work hard enough , perform well enough , and manage efficiently enough to control a happy and healthy relationship . This however , is not possible for someone who will always fall short , always fail , and can never be or do my way to perfection . Through more marriage therapy and deepened friendships , the truth of the matter has become clear : We aren 't ever going to arrive . Christ has promised to continue to transform our hearts and minds to be more and more able to love each other , but the minute we think we 've figured out how to do it is the minute we 've lost sight of what 's true . We are two broken people who must rely only on God 's ability to hold our feeble hearts together . This is the daily choice we make . Hmm . That someone else has a front row seat to my brokenness . It 's freeing and embarrassing all at the same time that Ryan gets to watch me stumble through life , and sometimes be on the receiving end of my failure . He can love me and encourage me in a unique way that is so very good for me , but it sure would be easier to not share my junk with anyone . I 'd say it has caused me to see how judgmental I have been and can be . I 've learned that no story is truly black and white , and it 's incredibly difficult for me to watch other people make hasty decisions about those around them . I 've learned that I can 't control anything ( although I may still try ) . I also know what authentic relationship feels like and would never trade it . 1 - Time management is a struggle for me . I like to be productive , and can easily put work or career goals ahead of time with Ryan , or simply time to work on my own physical , mental , emotional , and spiritual health . This is a current wrestling match that I find is best handled through scheduling better . We make a budget for our money , one for time is not a bad idea . 3 - Comparison . It 's easy to focus on all the things that are external to our marriage : media , other couples , stereotypes , etc . Our real need is to keep growing what is us and be alright with the unique relationship we have and the pace of life we are living at . Authentic community was a huge marriage - saver for us . The first community group we joined when everything was falling apart was a healing and stabilizing environment . We knew we could share anything and that the other couples were also bringing real life to the table . We didn 't feel as crazy , or alone . We felt plugged in and carried . We felt freed , and we felt known . Without something like it , the loneliness could have easily squashed us . People simply told us that we were " such a great couple " without offering any real wisdom on the journey we were about to embark on . I wish someone had not told us something specific , but that they had asked us the hard questions , that we had been forced to look deeply at ourselves and to really prepare for the journey . It would not have been a magical fix , but would have equipped us and offered more sure footing . It 's easy to get hung up on what we think we deserve as a wife , and we need outside perspective to help us see what sort of spouse we are and what we bring to the table . Open up to honest , true , strong friends . The kind that will speak truth in love and not only encourage and comfort you when you 're hurt , but the kind that will challenge you at the right times to continue to see God 's faithfulness and goodness . Read Susan 's follow - up post with more details on what path they took to healing . Don 't forget to subscribe up top so you never miss a Wednesday Wife story ! This post is linked up to Sheila Wray Gregoire 's Wifey Wednesday post on her To Love . Honor and Vacuum blog . October 25 , 2012 By : Shana11 CommentsOn Tuesday night , I sat in a room with about 100 or so Christian women to talk about sex . I should say to listen to 4 other women talk about sex . There were two pastor 's wives , one being my friend , Robyn and two Christian counselors . I wish that every married woman I know could have been there . They spent 2 hours answering questions that most women would never even Google search , much less ask their pastor 's wife . They answered questions like … The one thing I do want to share is something that was a common theme throughout the night was false intimacy . False intimacy is where we find comfort where there is no risk . It manifests itself in many ways . Some are more obvious like pornography and romance novels while others are less obvious like chick flicks and friendships . UPDATE : It seems that some folks would like for me to share the answers to the questions above . Please note that this is just a summary of what I got out of the talk . 4 different women shared their opinions and not all were the same . My husband has put on a lot of weight since we got married and I 'm no longer physically attracted to him . What do I do ? - First , the ladies wanted to discuss the weight issue . Because we care about our husband 's health , it 's important to know the cause of the weight gain - thyroid issues , lifestyle changes , emotional issues ? This is where having an open - line of communication with your spouse is important . As for the sex part , the Bible tells us that beauty is fleeting so we need to pray for God to increase our physical attraction toward our husband despite his weight gain . Practically , focus on the things you love about your husband and remember that it 's okay to dim the lights and slip under the covers . I had a Christian counselor tell me masturbation is okay . What does the Bible tell us ? - The ladies gave a unanimous NO ! Masturbation is false intimacy ( see above ) . Intimacy is to be reserved for a husband and wife . In fact , the counselors went into the actual reactions and neuro - pathways that are created in your brain whenever you are aroused physically . Masturbating cause physiological and emotional changes that can make it very difficult to reach climax with your spouse . If you 're struggling with it , Robyn says read Daniel 1 . You have to purpose in your heart not to do it and run from temptation . My husband wants to try oral sex . Is that okay ? - All is permissible between you and your spouse as long as it is mutually beneficial , and you both want to try it . It 's important to experiment . God is creative . He created " it " so be creative with " it . " Key here is that you both need to feel comfortable about it . Again , communication is key here - before and after . Don 't be afraid to laugh when things go horribly wrong . How do I shut the craziness of life out at the end of the day so I can enjoy sex with my husband ? - This is something that women especially struggle with . It 's important to talk with your spouse about what gets you in the mood and helps you focus on intimacy . For many women , this can be simple things like your husband doing the dishes or putting on music and dimming the lights . Our husbands want us to be fully present during intimacy and are often willing to help us get to that place . Ask him to put the kids down on his own while you relax with a glass of wine in the bath - whatever it takes for you to prepare yourself . I know Robyn 's book talks about your bedroom being a comfortable place . Keep it de - cluttered , comfortable and make sure that door lock works . I experienced sexual trauma before marriage and it seems to be affecting my sex life . How can I heal ? - The key here is not to push through or ignore what you 're feeling . It must be addressed . First off , turn to the Lord . He is our ultimate healer and redeemer . He has the power to heal our hearts and redeem our tainted view of physical intimacy . Secondly , consider seeking professional , faith - based counseling . Trauma causes physiological changes in your brain . A lot of times , no matter how hard you fight it , any physical interaction can trigger those pathways in your brain and re - traumatize you . A professional counselor can help you work through that trauma and release those pathways in your brain . I can speak personally from this side of things . It 's so important to be able to talk with your spouse about your emotions and reluctancies . When you feel like rejecting him and pushing him away , sharing what you 're feeling can have the opposite effect and draw you closer to each other . Emotional safety with your spouse is really important here . If you don 't feel safe sharing with your spouse , I highly encourage lots of prayer and possibly counseling . And remember , you 're not alone . 1 in 3 women have experienced sexual trauma . When your pastor 's wife is the author of a book titled " Sick of Sex , " you know you won 't be able to shy away from that topic if you 're a married woman in her life . In fact , Robyn has been known to change the subject from marriage to sex with her not - so - subtle transition question - " how 's sex ? " - quite often . Thankfully , Robyn and her husband , Ray , have walked with Casey and me throughout our courtship , engagement and marriage ; so if there 's anyone I want asking me about my marital intimacy , it 's Robyn . In fact , it was Robyn 's husband that changed my view of married sex with his talk on Heavenly Sex , which happened to be the night before Casey asked me to marry him . Perfect timing ! As someone who had a very skewed view of sexual intimacy due to past abuse , past relationships and society in general , I needed to hear God 's true desire for physical intimacy before entering into marriage with a man I hadn 't even kissed yet . Although the thought of talking to your pastor or his wife about sex might make you squirm , it 's actually quite refreshing to have a Christian woman in my life that helps me keep a heavenly perspective of intimacy . I think it 's easy to want to avoid conversations about such a personal issue , especially since society has demoralized sex . But if Robyn were writing this she 'd say " that 's just what the evil one wants , " and she 'd be right . There 's nothing the evil one wants more than to put a wedge between a husband and wife in the most spiritual , emotionally connected area of their marriage and for us be too afraid or embarrassed to talk about it . ( I 'm sure some of you are saying … spiritual ? most emotionally connected ? … it may not seem that way now , but that 's martial intimacy 's potential and God 's desire for sex in marriage . ) Many of us married folk have let our sex lives slip and we feel alone in it . I 'm guilty of this as well . We don 't have to be alone in this . We shouldn 't be alone in it . So call your girlfriend , grab some tea and listen to this sermon . Then talk about it . Then read this book . Discuss it together . One of the greatest ways we can glorify God and wage war against the evil one is to take back our marital intimacy and fight for heavenly sex . I 'm fighting for it with my good friends by my side . I hope you will join us . Hi ! I 'm a semi - newlywed living in a small town outside of Nashville with my husband , Casey , our baby boy , teen niece , and hyperactive dog , Minny . I 'm a new mom and marketing consultant at BeEngaging . com that loves Jesus and won 't eat anything with 4 legs . I talk about marriage , pregnancy , parenting and everything in between . I believe real growth only happens through transparency . Join me on the journey . Read More … Melting Pot MagicCasey and I had a whirlwind summer . It was full of family , traveling and was really quite enjoyable . Despite all the craziness , Casey and I stayed emotionally connected and really enjoyed each other 's company . That made it even harder to deal with what was waiting for us at home . With summer coming to an end , [… ] Recent Posts
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I have looked into the classics , I have read the banal . In my 6 × 8 ft study , I have not left any book un - turned , I have ruffled the pages and scanned through each book . The space of my study is constrained , but the books and other objects in the room have enabled me to create a seamless and limitless room of requirements in my mind , where I am only restrained by my own thoughts and gut feelings . I have looked for inspiration through other channels too , all in the vain attempt to find some or the other way to finally find a way to meet her . Well , suffice it to say that my labors have not all been laid to waste , since I feel that I have learnt much and expanded the boundaries of my mind , which exposure to varied works by the masters normally brings in . But then I am digressing ! I have religiously changed the flowers in the vase every single day in my study , when the sky is a bright orange , as if afire or when the sky is an acute reflection of pending doom with lightnings thrown in for good measure . I have not reined in my imagination and tried all the varieties of flowers which I could get hold off in my small town . Now the flowers have wilted and the sky has bid a remorseful goodbye and lent itself to mediocrity devoid of any colors . All the books have been re - read and then read some more to no effect . The small pints on the windowsill have somehow managed to survive ! The tree branch right outside my small window is bereft of any living leaves and to think of it , it is still only late summer ! Those few fruits you see on the table , are a result of constant and unerring dedication of my maid , who has made it her mission to nurse my health back to one marked by florid cheeks . " Surprise me " shouted the Ghoul , spitting mouthfuls through blood stained tooth . Madhav lay prostrate on the ground , seemingly unable to move . Trying to gauge his position , Madhav looked askance at his surroundings . The hard cold ground was not the unassuming concrete floor in any haven ; the slightly undulating and uneven ground strewn with stones and steeped in dust , seemed more menacing and held a strange power over him . It was nightfall . The cold night had a mist which hung like a torn , abandoned blanket , heavy for effect yet seemingly frail in that it allowed some moonlight to stream in . The blood curdling yells from the monster reminded Madhav of his precarious position , he struggled to move , yet he failed again . It was as if some invisible chains held him down on the wet earth of the cemetery . Presently he heard a few hyenas in the distance , his visibility rendered poor due to the dark mist which lent a macabre effect to the whole situation . The ghoul was barely a few feet away and was advancing with undisguised hatred in its eyes . Madhav was spellbound ; he was unhurt otherwise but was sure his well - being was severely threatened now and his existence in extreme danger . He lost consciousness as the ghoul jumped on him and tore at his heart . Madhav woke up with a jump ! It was pitch dark and he could still hear the jackals calling out in the night . He thrashed around wildly but soon realized that he was back in his bed . Adjusting his pupils to the limited light , he realized that he was covered in his own sweat and his heart was trying to breakout out of his ribcage . He stood up and looked outside the broken window . The distant farms looked dark and dreary , the moonlight unable to illuminate enough to re - assure him of no immediate mortal danger . He tugged at his towel and wiped himself dry . The cold seeped through the many cracks in his ground floor room and the broken window . He checked his clock on the table , it was 4 am . Deciding against trying for another bout of sleep which might be marred by some other imagined monster 's ferocity , Madhav lit a candle . Even though it was mid - winter , load shedding was notorious for its daily certainty in his locality . Sauntering slowly still rattled by his dream , Madhav ventured into the courtyard with the candle in his hand . The backyard bore signs of going to waste on account of negligence of the owner . Having thrashed some cold water onto his face , Madhav walked back into his room . He lived alone ; he had rented this room in the ground floor of a dilapidated building in the outskirts of Kolkata . One reason being that he could not afford much better , the more important fact being that he did not need anything bigger or grander for his daily sustenance . He was 23 years old , 6 feet tall , wheatish and well built , with an innocent face , albeit with creases across his forehead which bore signs of a strenuous and complicated life . He was a man of simple wants ; he still used an old Nokia " Non - Smart " phone . Presently he noted the light dark bluish - pink hue in the hitherto black sky ; the darkness was over , at least seemingly . He proceeded to cook his lunch in the verandah beside the backyard . He had to catch the 7 am local train to Howrah , part of his daily schedule , to reach his office . Madhav worked in the accounts department of a local shipping company . He was a bright student in school but had never harbored any grand illusions about his future . His father had died of cancer when he was preparing for the high school exams . He had secured record marks for his district high school and had decided to settle for a degree in commerce in a local college . Most of the insurance corpus had been used up in his mother 's treatment , till her death a few months back . As Madhav walked up the stairs to the old rickety building , his office , he checked his mobile . He was just in time , as always ; there was a very stringent penalty designed by his employer for habitual latecomers . With a downcast glance , he tried to surreptitiously bypass the others and reach his desk at the corner of the seventh floor in the building . As always he failed in his ridiculous endeavor and was met with loud guffaws and snickers coming his way . He mouthed silent hellos to the others and sat down exhausted in his seat . There was a huge pile of files on his desk already , from the corner of his eyes he saw the peon walking up with a snigger and a few more files in his hand . The files were unceremoniously dumped on his table with a loud thud . Even before he could ask for a cup of tea , the peon had already disappeared in one of the innumerable mazes of cubicles on the floor . Madhav knew it was going to be another long day at work , with a quick gulp of water he quickly set to the pending work . His colleagues had coined a rather rude moniker for him " Laloo " . Laloo in the local dialect symbolized a rather listless , idiotic person , sort of a humorous attempt to lend it some sort of decency by not using the term " mentally challenged " ! Madhav was used to it now and it did not hurt as much , or so he liked to believe . With no worthwhile stakes left in his current life , he doubted the veracity of his own doubts about his existence . He assiduously avoided trouble and had long since decided to lead a sedentary existence which verged on non - existence . However despite all his endeavors at making peace with his fate , he failed . Indeed he failed miserably . Absent mindedly , he turned his head to look at his watch , his only remaining inheritance from his long dead father . The only thing he found was the light skinned outline of the watch on his sun burnt wrist . The watch was so incongruous with everything else attached to his existence that Madhav had needed to explain about it to all and sundry for years . Well the old gold plated Rolex was indeed nothing short of a collector 's item and had belonged to his late father . Madhav did not like to talk about it and tried to avoid thinking about the watch or rather the lack of it now . It created an uncomfortable knot in his throat and a freezing feeling in his gut to even think about it anymore . His father had belonged to the descendants of an erstwhile Zamindar ( local landlord ) family in hinterlands of West Bengal . His father was the elder son of the three that his grandfather , a hot tempered man had sired . An ugly family dispute had caused his grandfather to disinherit his eldest son from all existing properties , which included lands et al . Madhav 's father 's crime was to have decided to marry the girl he loved from his college days in Kolkata . Madhav 's father had met his mother during his undergraduate days in the reputed Presidency College back in the 1980s . A whirlwind romance had followed , which was dismissed by Madhav 's family . Ultimately Madhav 's father had set up his marital life in a small two room rented house in the outskirts of Kolkata , while working in a private firm . Madhav 's maternal grandparents belonged to the middle class and they had tried their best to help in the initial set up for their only son - in - law , who had fallen on hard times , being disowned by the family . However the watch was the only remaining item from that legacy . Madhav 's parents had dreamt a lot of dreams , one being a bright future secured by means of their intellect and perseverance ; the other being having children who would make them proud . None of the dreams materialized in the end . Madhav 's father had acceded defect to cancer and Madhav 's life , well the less said the better . Madhav decided to take a small break to sip some hot tea in the narrow street facing his office building . Perched precariously at the end of a narrow wooden bench , his mind wavered again , while he clutched onto the hot steaming tea cup with both hands . Madhav 's father had a close friend from college , who had done well in life . Rathin Mukherjee was a self made man and had established businesses in various parts of Kolkata . Madhav 's father had made but one request of his friend , while he was on his deathbed . He had asked for a reference so that Madhav could get a job , right after college , at that time Madhav was still in high school . The promise from Rathin had endowed a moment of peace on the shrunk , cancer ravaged face of Madhav 's father . The promise was cavernous and it was all sound for the sake of it . Madhav had not disclosed it to his mother , who still thanked Rathin for helping her son start on his career after college . Rathin on his part never set foot in their tiny rented room again . Madhav had forgotten all about him and had learnt to struggle on his own . Well he knew he could very well secure a comfortable life on his own and had begun to tread assiduously on the path . It had all changed 2 months back . Madhav had already been working for almost 2 years and had decided to move to a more comfortable house , for his ailing mother . One night , she suffered a fatal stroke and Madhav officially became an orphan . Back then he had shifted to his current abode , well suffice it to say he was trying to run from his memories , or so he thought . That night , Madhav had called on Rathin at his house . He had requested a small loan to help him in completing a decent funeral for his mother . A sum of twenty thousand rupees was too paltry to even deserve a denial . But that is what Rathin had done ! Blowing on his hot tea , Madhav 's mind fast forwarded to last month . Madhav had a talent for writing , he was well known in his school and college literary circles for his hard hitting and practical pieces , both fiction and non - fiction . In what seemed like another lifetime to him now , Madhav had had a passion for writing and he was sure he would excel in it someday . He had finished editing his first work of fiction and had sent the manuscript to a few well known publishers . Surprisingly after few initial encouraging meetings with the editors , last month he had been told that his book could not be published ! He had visited all of their offices but to no avail , he had not been able to secure meetings . Just when he was about to give up , one of the personal assistants in those offices had asked him for an audience , someplace else . The revelation had confounded him and he had literally fainted . It seemed that one of the more influential publishing houses had made it a personal mission to ensure rejection of the manuscript by all parties . The name of the owner was Rathin ! Madhav had made one last attempt . He had visited Rathin 's residence to speak to him . One part of him wanted affirmation that it was all a misunderstanding ; the other had wanted to understand the reason behind this heinous back stabbing . Rathin had welcomed him warmly in his house and after a few feigned attempts at displaying generosity and benevolence , with questions about Madhav 's well - being , he had been ready to answer Madhav 's direct question . Of course he had seen the manuscript , being the most influential and famous publishing house it was an easy task to lay hands on manuscripts from budding authors , he had mentioned . He had liked Madhav 's plot , he had said ; all that was needed was a twist . " Surprise me " , Rathin had demanded with a sly , seemingly ingratiating smile on his lips . Madhav had managed to regain his composure and had left promising the next draft in a week 's time . The same scene was played out 3 weeks back in Rathin 's office . Rathin had made a few more suggestions and remarked that it was all for improving the prospects of publication of the book , after all wasn 't Madhav his dear friend 's son ? By now Madhav had an increasing suspicion gnawing inside him and none of the placatory advice from Rathin seemed genuine . He had had more or less the same experience in the last two weeks for his modified manuscripts . Rathin had bellowed ; he handled hundreds of manuscripts a day and wasn 't he supposed to realize if a seemingly great manuscript ( all and sundry aspiring authors believe they had submitted a masterpiece ) was ready yet or not ? The convulsions on Rathin 's enraged and vexed face had imprinted an uneasy image on Madhav 's mind ; he had failed to fathom the reason for the outbursts , which had seemingly increased with each passing encounter in his office or home . " Surprise me or do not bother " , these were Rathin 's exact words from last week , in fact it had become a constant refrain . Madhav was in a fix . The book was his dream , his only passion left in the otherwise suffocating and dreary existence . Hell , he thought , it was also his only reason for existence , for being , he owed his parents at least that much ! Nobody was going to miss him if he dropped dead the next instant , his abandoned and unclaimed corpse would be unceremoniously dumped in some electric furnace by the public department workers . The more he thought about it , the more agitated he became , his face twitched and breathing became almost impossible . His confidence had taken a direct hit and he could not help but dwell for a few moments on his growing doubts about the quality of his work . He had worked on the manuscript during dark days , having to deal with his ailing mother and securing his own career prospects . In a way this manuscript was to be a testament to all which he had experienced , it was to be epitome of proof of all sacrifices made and hardships which he had endured , to fulfill his one dream . That night , Madhav sat in the unkempt courtyard listening to the incessant chirping of the crickets . It was pitch dark and even the stars were hidden by the clouds . Madhav stared ahead blankly , with wet eyes . He was still in a daze and had a distinct vision of being in hell . In his limp hand , he held a yellowish crumpled piece of paper . With a herculean effort , he forced himself out of the stupor . With his other hand , he wiped away his tears and crushing the paper into a ball with the other , threw it into the courtyard . He realized early dawn was breaking in and shoving out the dark unhappy night . That night he felt something snap inside him , something long repressed burst forth , it was as if a raging forest fire had devoured every shred of green and turned it into grey ashes . His mind drew a complete blank ; there was nothing to turn to for steering his path . He knew what he needed to do and to his own dismay he realized , he knew that he would succeed . Madhav brushed and took a longer bath than was his custom . He ironed new shirt and trousers and wore his new formal shoes . He had a quick but filling breakfast and decided there was no need to cook lunch ; he somehow knew that his plan was destined to succeed . He bowed his head in front of his parents ' faded wedding photo and took one sweeping glance at his room . Whistling between his teeth , he hailed an AC cab from outside his house . He went to the local dockyard where he had a childhood friend , Michael . Having spent an hour there and collected the package and bouquet , Madhav took another taxi and alighted in front of Rathin 's palatial house . He checked his watch , it was around noon . Was his mind playing games already or did the summer sun really shine brighter today ? Striding ahead with purpose , Madhav rang the bell . When the servant answered the door , he was ushered in . Noticing the large bouquet and another gift in a smaller packet in his hands , the servant curtly mentioned that Rathin was in office and he should rather call upon there to meet him . Sitting comfortably in the sofa in the drawing room , Madhav smiled , the servant must be so used to receiving aspiring authors and influential people who offer gratuity to Rathin in exchange for different favors . Madhav asked for the publisher 's wife . The servant cast a suspicious glance in his direction , before he went about his task . Rathin 's wife entered the drawing room in an elegant sari , with an air of somebody accustomed to moving in the higher echelons of society , she had a bewildered expression on her face . " Man , they are so vainglorious ! She made me wait for 30 minutes again and managed to put on heavy makeup , befitting an evening party . But she does look pretty every time I see her . I wonder how she lives under the same roof as Rathin " thought Madhav . He stood up to greet her , handing over the bouquet and gave her a charming smile . Rathin 's wife was impressed , again ! She was curious , she knew that Madhav was well built and handsome from his earlier visits , however today she was surprised by the well dressed young man in front of her , one who had always claimed to be her husband 's close acquaintance . Her husband was sorely out of shape , she had given up on him now . She had never managed to elicit any details about this melancholic looking mysterious young guy from her husband either . Finally Rathin left an hour later . He turned around to find her smiling and waving from the room upstairs . Madhav nodded and with a conspiratorial look , tapped his wrist to indicate time to which she nodded affirmatively . Madhav strode outside . It was 3 pm ; he still had three hours to kill . In a few minutes , he was sound asleep ; he needed the rest to focus better he thought . The shrill alarm on his mobile phone two hours later , woke him up groggy eyed . After having freshened in the washroom , he sat in an AC cab with the small packet in his hand . He felt strangely light headed , if only his acquaintances could see him now . Chuckling aloud , he provided directions to the driver to arrive at Rathin 's office . He checked his watch , it was 6 pm and everything had gone to plan so far . Madhav smiled effervescently at Rathin 's personal assistant and commented on how beautiful the tight figure hugging dress looked on her . When she enquired about the gift wrapped object in his hands , he conspiratorially mentioned that it was a gift for her boss , for the special day and reminded her about 7 pm ! He even proffered a few gym tips to her to work on accentuating her curves and a full ten minutes later was ushered into Rathin 's chamber with a paper chit containing the assistant 's name and mobile number in his pocket . Rathin was seated behind his big mahogany table , working on his laptop . He did not look too happy to see Madhav walking into his office ; however he had to admit there was something different about Madhav today . While Rathin appeared in a foul mood and even grumpier upon seeing him , Madhav smiled widely and helped himself to the chair facing Rathin . " Why do you keep wasting my time " , growled Rathin , without even bothering to look up from his laptop . Madhav did not stir . When no reply was forthcoming , Rathin was forced to look up and he did not like repeating his questions to scum of the earth , a specimen of whom he believed was seated opposite him . Taking advantage of his opponent 's momentary confusion , Madhav pressed forward his advantage . " Today is the day , I speak and you listen . " Madhav 's face had undergone a complete transformation and his cold piercing look was making Rathin uncomfortable . Madhav continued with his tirade . " Finally , I know now why you behaved like a scumbag all this time . My parents never mentioned it to me , but I guess they would never have been able to see the real you , a mix between pathogenic bacteria and a life threatening parasite ! So you were mean to me , simply because my mom had thwarted off your advances and instead fell in love with my dad in your college . After all these years , you still nurse that hatred for my father inside you . The old letter which I found yesterday explains everything now . So this is why you would make false promise to your best friend on his deathbed , the same friend who had helped you out of all sort of tricky situations in college but had stood firm on the question of his true love . This is why you wanted to ensure that his son fares no better , this is the reason you made it your mission to make sure that my book never gets published . And all this after I had confided in you about the importance of getting this book published ! This is the reason why you did not lend me the loan upon my mother 's death and you are the reason I had to pawn my dad 's last memory , his watch . " Madhav said in his cold , measured tones . Rathin was flabbergasted ; he had never expected this dumbass to figure it all out . What in the name of the devil had happened , how did this transformation happen ? He felt goose bumps all over . This could not be happening , is it some sort of a nightmare ? He decided to slow things down and take charge . " Don 't bother lying through your teeth . All this ends here , all this ends today , all this ends now . You had asked me to surprise you , not once , not twice but enough number of times to hammer it into my sub - conscious . So I do have a surprise for you Mr . Rathin , but I am not sure if you would like it . You see earlier today I kidnapped your wife and son . " Madhav was smiling now . With trembling fingers , he dialed the landline phone number in his house , when nobody answered he called on his wife 's mobile number . It seemed to be out of coverage area . What the heck was going on here ? It was 6 : 45 pm . Madhav said " It is a pity that you under estimate me so much . As you can see , what often appears to the eye is not what it might really be ! You order plain vanilla ice cream but expect a few brownies thrown in for free . Guess what ? Today is your lucky day . I am about to fulfill your wildest imaginations today . On one hand I helped you re - enforce your belief about split personalities and you must be wondering how you would report it later , alas it will not come to pass ! Again , you demanded surprise and I am about to deliver more than you ever wished for ! I have killed your wife and son ; you or the police will never be able to guess where the corpses are , so really save your breath , no point in getting all worked up and in trying so hard . This is my surprise for you , but why do I have this vague feeling that you still do not like it ? " " Sit down . " ordered Madhav , still maintaining his cool , menacing tone . When Rathin had obeyed him , he said " Now , let us move on to the next surprise , I hope you like this at least ! " Slowly Madhav unwrapped the gift box and then leveled a revolver towards Rathin . He said in an intimidating tone " Now there are ideally two possible outcomes , but I am sorry this is a Zero - Sum game too , what I mean is whatever you choose , I win . Option one being , you apologize and publish my book , so that I do not kill you . But you see your wife and son are dead already and you will never find their severed bodies , so you lose . You don 't even get a chance to bid them farewell and cremate them properly . Option two being , you don 't do option one and I kill you , here and now ; I have nothing to lose in my life , so you lose again . So , what will it be ? " Calmly he said " Believe what you want to , but you will decide on an option . Now ! " His voice made a hissing sound ; there was something oddly honest in his tone , undisguised and pure malice which was loud and clear for Rathin to comprehend . Madhav seemed thoughtful . He said " I still get the feeling that even this surprise did not amaze you ! Though I am pretty sure from my earlier several recces that your room 's heavily padded walls are soundproof ; on my part did I indeed forget to lock the door on my way in ? Oh man , it indeed was your beautiful secretary who ushered me in . Man she is so beautiful , she distracted me from my plan . Tell me the truth , are you screwing her ? " Saying so , he turned around towards the door . In an instant , Rathin was on his feet ; he grabbed the heavy paperweight from his table and lunged towards Madhav . Before Madhav could react , he hit him on his head , bludgeoning with the improvised weapon repeatedly on the back of his head . The clock struck 7 pm and suddenly his office chamber door was opened loudly . His wife was wearing a beautiful evening gown ; looking resplendent she entered holding a huge cake with candles lit atop . His son was holding balloons and looked oddly boyish for his 10 years of age . There were also many other faces behind them , the various employees from his office , with gifts and cards and balloons in their hands . They all entered the room shouting in unison " Surprise ! ! " PS - Madhav died on the spot due to grievous head injuries , before any help could arrive . The police discovered the " revolver " in a cardboard box on the table , which had been unwrapped off the usual gift wrapping papers and a ribbon . They would later find Madhav 's fingerprints on it . On being prodded further , with tears streaming down her pale but beautiful face , she said that she could not fathom any rational reason for her husband killing Madhav . Madhav had been frequenting their house since the last two months and as far as she knew he was regular visitor to her husband 's office too . Did she know Madhav ? Through intermittent sobs , she said that of course she knew Madhav since the last two months and that he was a close acquaintance of her husband through some personal ties about which she did not have any idea whatsoever . See it to believe it … . Well we have all seen and mostly comprehended the power of social in our digital lives and in some cases offline avatars as well . With the Digital revolution having encompassed almost all interaction touch points of brands with customers or prospects , we have all seen the all pervasive nature albeit seemingly in compliance with PII regulations across geographies . There are hordes of case studies on the internet today and almost everybody has engaged with the brands using these channels for a better UX and conversions . I had an interesting occurrence today . When I ordered a pizza from a well known brand in my locality today , I was flabbergasted . To set the context , one day per week is typically celebrated as " Pizaa Day " in the household and it is always the same brand whose product is ultimately ordered . So today I ordered a little variant from my previous typical orders and paid extra for some toppings which my taste buds demanded today . I was amazed to notice that none of the extra toppings were present when I had taken a few bites of the pizza . So while I got an automated mail ( auto - Responders configured in email marketing campaign ) in response to my online complaint , mentioning that somebody would look into the matter and revert in XX hours ( " hours " ! really ? ) ; I received a phone call around 10 minutes later having posted on Facebook . An employee from the local franchisee of the renowned brand apologized and in matter - of - the - fact tone mentioned that they would send the same product configuration to me free of cost . I expressed my genuine surprise and mentioned that having had one medium size pizza , I did not think that this was a very responsive corrective action . However the employee was in a hurry ( and might have been miffed that I did not even have an appetite to manage a couple of medium size pizzas ! ) . Flustered , I expressed a tired thanks and hung up . I did wonder about the superlative impact of web analytics and the efficiency of " listening posts " in social media . So in the last mile of analysis human element had manually validated the data presented by the analytics for the final action and based on the historical data extrapolation , somebody had decided that the usual placatory offer of a similar product ( For Free ! ! ! ! ) would suffice and result in customer delight . I was certainly NOT delighted ; however the thought did not linger on . 20 minutes later , the door bell chimed and I asked my parents to collect the pizza . In response to my dad calling out to me , I had to discard my lazy posture spread over the chair watching Befikre ( hindi movie ) trailer and strolled outside to face the pizza delivery guy . " Rupees 619 " he demanded . I thought I had mis - heard and asked him to repeat his question . Then I was sure that I had indeed heard what I had thought I had heard ! It took me 4 minutes to explain the entire episode to him and in the end softened by his confused demeanor , I asked him to call the local franchise and confirm . He made a quick mental calculation ( I could not help but imagine a SQL query or a web service running in the background to fetch the confirmation data ) . Suddenly coming out of his momentary trance , he displayed a dazzling white toothed smile and said it was all fine . In his haste he forgot to wish me a good night and left me holding the warm pizza box in my hand . When my wife asked to open the box and spread some oregano on the slices , I stopped her . I prophesized the need for a 20 - 30 minutes waiting period ( the shop being 5 mins away from my home by bike and I added ample buffer for manual conversations and decision making , in case it needed to be over - turned and I needed to pay the money yet again ) . With 30 minutes having passed now , I finally gave the go - ahead signal to my family . Yes , of course I got lot of nasty stares for letting the pizza go cold and to micro - wave it again . The book is quite fast paced and the pace does not drag even for a minute . The story starts with the ultimate fate of the character ( facing firing squad ) and then goes into flashback mode . The story is developed through a letter from the lead character , penned while undergoing trial in the court … . the letter is addressed to her lawyer , whom she regards as incapable and a non - fighter . The story in itself is not so much about the spying activities of Mata Hari , rather it highlights the social and political commentary of the era in Europe … the wars and the political maneuvering . The story briefly touches upon Mata Hari 's early life ( childhood and first marriage ) and how she managed to flee from an abusive husband and landed in Paris . The book traces her journey of becoming an instant sensation as an exotic dancer in Paris and reaching the heights of fame and riches . The storyline delves into the ambitions of the character and how she managed to manipulate the powerful men of the period for favors in return . For her , dance was the epitome expression of one 's existence and realization of the spiritual purpose of one 's life , others viewed her merely as a mediocre dancer who did not have second thoughts about shedding clothing in public performances . The reader is led to realize that the only real " Crime " which she committed was to be a path breaker as a woman in that era , of being a truly " independent " woman who lived her life on her own terms and which might have been the main reason for her Ostracism and final punishment . All in all it is a fantastic read and provides insight to help the reader learn more about the real " Mata Hari " … . not the image of the double agent - femme fatale which we have come to assume over the years . It is a breezy read and can be completed in 3 hours or so . Happy reading . I belong to the Indian populace , whose favorite sport inevitably happens to be cricket . Even in the era of T20s , test cricket ( albeit selective tours / opponents / locales ) beckons my latent interest and somewhere in my rooted sub - consciousness it still retains that romantic appeal , which the shorter versions are bereft of . So of course it is a given that any form of media publication ( including movies ) related to cricket would have my instant attention , of course the bounce rate on my part would depend on the content and my level of engagement with it . While I was on my daily sojourn on the amazon website to scout for some nice books and to add to the shopping cart , I happened to stumble across this particular title . Aravind Adiga being an instant sensation few years back , due to his Man Booker prize on his first publication of course drew my attention . The title and the illustration on the cover page of the book piqued my interest . Well well , a seemingly great book on the pursuit of cricket in India . The synopsis clicked and I completed the check - out process . The book seemed to be bulky which was ok , as long as it was going to satisfy my reading pleasures . I started on the book on Friday night and was soon immersed in it . It was the tale of the cricketing journey of 2 brothers , who hailed from Kannada belt in Western ghats . The elder brother Radha seemed born for cricketing greatness , with inbuilt talent and single minded dedication . The younger brother was a more recalcitrant version and wanted to pursuit a career in forensics and loved science in school . Disclaimer - The book does not cover a movie - esque happy ending of aspiring cricketers , struggling with poverty and the single minded devotion of a dominating father , rather it is a realistic version of the talented cricketers we see or hear of . The book is much much more . It certainly does have a strong dose of cricket in its DNA , but it delves into each and every related aspect , from covering the cricketing season in Mumbai to the various local competitions , down to the pitch preparation cycles and the typical characters which we can never miss … the talent scout , an aging and brusque mentor , several unscrupulous characters looking to make a quick buck and of course the associated super ambitious parents who make the journey onerous and possibly render it a sure recipe ripe for disaster .
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Tell us a little about your life , family and goals . What keeps you motivated ? What is the best thing that 's happened to you since you passed the 50 mark ? 60 mark ? Friends laugh , cry and stand by each other , we 'll be that to you ! Good Morning ! I feel better today thank goodness . I think the combination of Tylenol Cold and Mucinex did the trick . Thanks for asking . At least it feels like it has helped this morning . We 'll see how I feel after I get back from the mammogram this afternoon . The inspection on this house was cancelled this morning and will be rescheduled for later this week . Still haven 't heard about the house we made an offer on . He is an out of state owner and you would think since the house is sitting vacant he would at least answer with a counter or something . We will wait for a bit but don 't have a lot of time to wait . It is only 43 days until the closing is scheduled for this house . This dance gets tired ! Well , I need to go this morning . I imagine I will need to do things in a s - l - o - w mode today . Everyone have a good day ! ! ! So we are getting ready for December ! Can 't believe how fast the months are passing by ! I woke up early this am and finally got back to my stretch class . My favorite instructor was filling in and I got a really good stretch . The other gal is fine too but this one is just really special to me . Then I did 30 min at 7 on the stationery bike and 15 min at 3 . 5 on the treadmill and followed those with a couple sets of 12 reps on three weigh machines . Not much compared to some of you but that 's good for me . I 've really gained since Thanksgiving ! And I can tell the difference in how I feel . . . it 's made me realize once again this need to lose weight is about much more than how I look or how clothes fit now . . . it is about my health . Because of my getting off track since Thanksgiving , I 've had high bs and the neuropathy in my hands and feet has come back . It pretty much disappeared when I was eating the MF way ! Since I have grocery money for Dec I ordered more MF products . I will still eat a modified MF diet but it does help me . I ordered only foods I know I like plus a few individual items of things I think I 'll like . Karen31 - I can imagine your frustration at waiting for everything to happen with the houses ! I feel that way about our house in AZ . Found out last night the carpets are not yet cleaned and the pool guy is going back to clean it . I hope both those things are done today , but the realtor was to take pictures today . So don 't know whether that will be done now or now . Ads ( with pics ) were to go up tomorrow . I SO want to get this all over and done with ! She told me Dec is not a good time for getting many lookers but said the ones that do look are usually serious , so hope one of those " serious " lookers WILL take a look ! Have any of you started your Christmas shopping ? I have started . . . have 3 people finished and 3 or 4 others started . Dh is calling me and I have nothing else to talk about so will close . Have a good day everyone ! Heh , I found the new thread ! ! Good morning , everyone ! I have to run now to get to the gym , 50 minute walk there and then want to do some weight training , then into the office today ( 3xweek gig ) . But I have a lot to do before I can get out . It 's already 7 a . m . ! But just wanted to say , thanks for all the support ! I was great yesterday on all fronts . Even the no smoking . I was thinking how tough it was , feeling this fighting going on inside , wanting a cig and then I just thought , no , heck , it 's NOT hard . I WANT to do this and I can . . . easily . Really , I mean , I do a LOT of things that are super hard . It must be my Leoine adolescent stubbornness but when I WANT to do something there 's no stopping me . So , changing my thinking may be the trick . I am pysched . I may have found my mantra and found my way back to what was a much tougher me in past years ! ! Hurrah ! ! Last edited by redballoon ; 11 - 30 - 2011 at 04 : 55 PM . Hi everyone . we had another 6 inches of snow last nite . its beautiful out and above 0 . i gave myself a perm and trim early this morning , my hair is starting to grow back , i lost a lot of it after my surg . its shorter and kinda spiky in the back . im pleased with the results . just got back from the grocery store . i wasnt going to bake but like to give cookies and fudge as gifts and my gr kids asked ( sigh ) how can i say no to them . so got the ingrediants for fudge , spritz ( pressed butter cookie ) roll out sugar cookies , and tea time tassies ( like a mini pecan pie ) and russsian tea cakes . and finnish bisquit ( asweet bread ) whew the trick will be to not taste . my dh voluntered Maryea . glad you liked the book , its one of my favorites . karen 31 feel better soon . hoping you all are having a great day ( ( ( hugs ) ) ) rosey __________________ Mary , I 've got about half of my shopping done . I 'm leaving on Monday to deliver some of them at DS 's house . I want my little Boo to have his by Christmas . Not sure if we 'll see them until after Christmas day . My MIL has all hers done . She wrote checks and put them in the Christmas cards . LOL . Red , glad you 're so happy with yourself today . I put in a very long afternoon at the Goodwill and Food Bank today . The place was a mess yesterday and we just didn 't get a chance to get it tidied up before we left . So today my friend and I went there a bit early and started cleaning up the mess . The shelves looked like a tornado had gone through . Clothing slung around everywhere . There were so many stuffed animals taking up good shelf space that I tied them up with yarn and had a public hanging . Ha . I hung them up on the wall . I stacked up all the used books in neat piles and put the housewares shelves in order . Then another lady came and started on the shoe rack . Then I went into the food bank area and started unpacking food that had been delivered that morning . When I came out the clothing shelves were so neat and clean looking , I was impressed with the ladies who had done the work . Now , tomorrow we 'll have to do it all over again . But at least it 's easier to get around there now . Tomorrow morning I 'm taking my MIL shopping . It won 't be a long trip though because she gets tired . Last time I took her shopping I thought the family would blame me for killing mother . She was so tired I thought she was ready to collapse but she wouldn 't take a rest or sit down until we got to the car . So tomorrow we 'll only shop for a couple of hours . Then it 's off to the Goodwill again . Hey , there Rosie , we were posting at the same time . I used to give my mother a perm but giving one to myself would be beyond my reach . How do you get all those curlers in your hair . Even when I did it to mom it was hard getting all the hair curled around the rods . I made spritz cookies this year . I used a pastry bag and large star tip instead of my cookie press . So much easier . I used to make Russian Tea Cakes all the time . I really like them but haven 't made them for some time now . I think I 'll add them to my 2011 Christmas Food List . Mary , I can 't believe that it is December . . . . . I have barely started shopping and I need to kick it in gear . I shop almost exclusively online so I need to get stuff ordered . I absolutely hate shopping . I am thinking positive thoughts on your house situation . Glad that you are ordering MF , it seemed to give you confidence . I can relate so much to the idea that this is about our health , and not just how we look . Karen , glad that the cold is passing in a hurry . I can 't imagine how stressful it is to be dealing with all the house stuff . I hope you get an answer soon . I sure liked the pictures of the new house . Well , I will catch personals on everyone else in the morning . . . . I am off to finish work and then pool league tonight . The weather forcast is for several inches of snow . . . . I 'm being pathetic and quiet here . . . I slept for about 3 hours this afternoon and am , just , coping . I don 't feel that bad , just completely drained . Red - you sound better . Good . Quitting smoking has to be the hardest thing ever , so just hang in there . I quit 2 , 117 times one year and the 2 , 118th took . It helped that I became allergic , though . . . I 've been trying to get myself in the mood to get started decorating for Christmas . And , I need to start getting some of the cooking done , & put in the freezer . So far it all just seems to require too much effort ( & I 'm just so lazy ) . The first thing I 'd like to get accomplished is baking the fruit cakes - I have to bake two , one for my household & one for my mom 's ( she buys half the ingredients , they get more & more expensive each year ! ) . I 've been wondering , are most of y ' all fruit cake lovers , or fruit cake haters ? I only like the fruit cakes my family ( now only me , actually ) makes . Ours only have candied pineapple & cherries , & pecans ( plus your basic flour , butter , sugar & flavorings ) . I thought it was odd that all the ladies , on both my father 's & my mother 's sides of the family ( even my step - grandmother ) , used basically the same recipe , until I inherited my maternal grandmother 's recipes . The ladies I mentioned , all lived in central FL , & I discovered several newspaper clippings , cut out of the Tampa ( FL ) Tribune , that had the recipe for " Mrs . Harvey 's White Fruit Cake " - the same recipe they 'd all used , except for some minor variations . Mystery solved ! Anyway , how do y ' all feel about fruit cake ? Oh , my SO loves ours ( though he also likes the " store - bought " ones ) , & when he finds out someone doesn 't like fruit cakes , he tries to talk them into trying ours . We all tell him to " shut up ! ! " because we already have too many people we have to share ours with ( I really ought to make 3 or 4 , but at least this way , I never get to eat more than one or two small pieces ) . While I 'm on the subject of holiday food , have any of you heard of " boiled custard " that you drink ? I 'm thinking Freda probably has , since she 's from KY . That 's where my great - grandmother was from , & she 's the one that made it . I was surprised to see a recipe for it in Better Homes & Gardens ( I think the Nov . issue ) . It 's like a cooked version of eggnog , without the nutmeg - very rich , very good , & very fattening ! I won 't be making any , but I sure would like to ! I 'm still " celebrating " the Pollyanna Holiday with positive thoughts . And isn 't it a good excuse for putting off all that " Christmas stuff " ? ! Thanks KarenFL for the holiday , & Isabella for coming up with the name ( I 'd been trying to figure out what to call it ) , & Marie for pointing out that Isabella had come up with the name . Luckily for me , my SO is getting to enjoy the holiday too , with today & the rest of the week , off from work ( more sleep - in days for me , I love it ! ) . He had some vacation days coming , & work is slow right now . Well , time for my nightly snack , & then some reading . Hope everyone that 's been feeling " under the weather " is all better now ( Donna , you don 't sound much better , sorry ! ) , & that all of y ' all have enjoyed this little extra holiday as much as me . I guess tomorrow I might just have to get started on some of this stuff I 've been putting off , but tonight 's still Pollyanna time , so I 'm not going to think about it . Oh , & Rie , my grandma used to say that too . And my great - grandma & my great - aunt , come to think of it . Well , I made it through the day . . the mammogram is done and I will probably get the results in a couple days . It doesn 't take long anymore . We had planned to go to Advent services tonight at church but after being out this afternoon and then fixing some supper ( mac and cheese with hot dogs in it - - worked hard on that one ! ) I set down on the couch and just ended up freezing again and really tired . Think it is best we didn 't go and be out in the night air and also I sure didn 't need to spread my germs around anymore than I already did today . So I 'm wrapped up in the afghan again on the couch and playing on the laptop . We haven 't heard anymore on either house yet . Hopefully we will tomorrow . There is only 43 days until the people that want to buy ours want to close . Now I just need to find the energy to get everything boxed up and ready to move . At least we don 't have to pack everything so secure since we are just moving a short distance and not across Kansas ! ! Donna , I hope you are feeling better . I know I 'm not over it but hopefully I can still function enough to get stuff done . I 'm hoping we will be able to at least move some stuff into the garage at the new house before closing . Kind of hard to have both closings the same day if we can 't get stuff moved out of here before . I guess it will all work out - - - maybe I just like to worry ! Well , I think I 'm going to sit back and relax , actually I think I want something to drink , my mouth is dry . Hello to everyone . I 'll be happy to get over this cold and hopefully be able to get personals done . have a good night It is a short one tonight . I have to go in early tomorrow , so I 'd better get done and quit goofing off and get to bed before too much longer . 4 : 30 am comes too soon . Thankfully I got out of work on time tonight . They are updating the computer programs that we use for order entry , charting and most everything . So we have to do " down time " proceedures . Everything we usually do will have to be done on paper tomorrow until they get the new system up and running . I 'm wondering why they didn 't do it on a weekend when things are usually a little less busy . Then for our continued enjoyment and pleasure of the day , they are also having a " mock " survey ( make believe that the state or federal surveyers are here ) . Wonder who on earth brilliant idea it was to do this on the same day when everything will already be in chaos . Did have some fun and laughter here this evening . I am here on my lap top and a call came thorugh on the skype thing . It didn 't give any name , so I dismissed it . I wondered if it was DH goofing around . He has gotten one of those tablet ( HTC flyer ) things and we were calling each other the other day to practice how to use skype . So , I called him ~ it had not been him . He could only see my face from the nose up and told me that I needed to tilt my screen . I told him if I tilted my screen I couldn 't see it and that he didn 't need to see my whole face anyway . I told him it was this shortness problem I have . He told me maybe I needed to sit on a pillow and I told him I already was . I commented that his hair was all messed up like he had been the wind and he said ~ that actually that is exactly what had happened , as he had just been out to the mail box . We were having fun laughing and joking around ~ laughter is good Ok , I will have to catch up with you all tomorrow . Hope you all rest well and if you 're not feeling so good ~ that you will feel better . One day at a time ~ never giving up ! ! Nobody can force you to have a certain attitude . But life will go so much better if you will simply choose to be positive . When you wake up , choose to be happy . Choose to be grateful for the day . ( Joel Osteen ) Oh dear , late again , I 'm afraid . Well , first things first : 1159 calories today and 41 . 3 grams of fiber . Lotsa liquids . . . . black coffee , diet ( 10 calorie ) cranberry juice and diet ice green tea . Just my third day back on the wagon , but it feels like I 'm getting into the groove . And now . . . omg . December already ! I can hardly stand it ! Feel better , Caddyk and PT . I think I 'm finally dragging out of that slump I 've been in with the lingering bronchitis . Slept very well last night . . . didn 't wake up coughing , so that 's progress . Now I have a few sneezing / coughing fits during the day , and that 's about it . Nancy , I 've made that simple fruit cake recipe . . . using just the cherries and pineapples . . . actually , I think I 've also put in some dried apricots from time to time , but not that other stuff . . . what are those little colored chunks of hard jelly - like things that a lot of the store - bought fruit cakes have in them ? I hate those little boogers . Oh , I put walnuts in mine too . . chopped coarsely . Yum . Val , I 'm a little " off " every day . This countdown to retiring is a pain in the neck ! The shorter it gets , the more annoying it seems to get . . . . oh , well . . . just 5 more months and I 'll bust out of there . . . Rosey , are we going to see a picture of the new perm ? MORE snow ? Oh , ugh . So far , all we had was that freak October storm , and the temperatures have been in the 50 's and 60 's ever since . ( I 'm thinking I may owe a debt of gratitude to K3 . . . she may have blown some tropical air up this way just to be nice . ) Red , you can most certainly do whatever you decide you want to do ! We all can ! I 'm feeling a lot more empowered this week , too for some reason . I 'm liking it a lot . Gayle , I 'm trying to take a long time to make it . Sort of like a decadent chocolate dessert - make it last . I really am out of windows so I have to be slow . I hope your day tomorrow isn 't as yucky as you 're anticipating . Mary , I actually got a letter from my secondary insurance yesterday reminding me that I haven 't had a mammogram and to get to it . It was odd . Of course , that wasn 't the case since my primary paid May 's mammo and secondary will be paying for December 's . I was surprised they wanted me to spend their money . And , great job on the exercise . Never , ever compare your efforts with anyone else . You are doing awesome ! Stay positive about your efforts . Zoe , I saw they put up a new guard rail on the bridge sometime today . I 'm glad as I noticed where it was missing was straight off the bridge since the road curves right after the bridge . And way to go on the calories . I hope your arm feels better soon . I know that you will miss your bench presses ! Isabella , I 'm a licker too ! ! ! ! I found the only way to stop is to chew a minty gum . And even then , I 've been known to hide it in my cheek and still lick batter . I love batter . BTW , your ingredients sound awesome except the PB . Actually that sounds yummy but they 'd kill me . Donna , I swear you 'll be an exercise convert before long . Exercising equates to the body moving easier , especially at our age . Yep , Rie , Lynn and I will convert you before long . Rosey , I lost a bunch of my hair on the back right side when I lost weight a couple decades ago on a VLCD . Fell out in clumps . I 'm glad yours is growing back and I can assure you it will continue to do so . Isabella , did you read about the elderly man that didn 't trust banks ( wise man ) had hid his savings in a suit and then mistakenly gave it to Goodwill ? It was a sad article as Goodwill can 't find the donated suit . Anyway , thank you for all the volunteer work you do . Nancy , fruit cake hater here but I do buy glace fruit . I use it in the Czeck holiday bread Houska . And the glace fruit is getting to be a fruity gold . It is expensive . It 's my bedtime and I 'm going to stop here even though I had some caffeine the afternoon . I was yawning and thinking a nap as I drove would be a great idea . So I added a little caffeinated espresso beans to my afternoon mocha . Zing , I 'm away . There is a nice side of being decaffeinated 99 % of the time . BTW , the scale moved in a good direction this morning . At some point I 'll start posting loss numbers but for now , I 'm behind Zoe on day 2 of being an Marie Hi everyone . spent a really nice day , my dh can make me laugh better than any one . heres a pic of my new hairdo . the bangs got really thin but have thickened up but i would like them to grow longer . my hair was really thin and falling out in klumps for awhile . i thought id go bald and was seriously looking for a wig , but it stopped and started to grow back . i have always cut and permed my own hair . seems i always would rather spend the extra $ on books and craft stuff then at the beauty shop hope your evenings peaceful ( ( ( hugs ) ) rosey Attached Images One day at a time ~ never giving up ! ! Nobody can force you to have a certain attitude . But life will go so much better if you will simply choose to be positive . When you wake up , choose to be happy . Choose to be grateful for the day . ( Joel Osteen )
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Mormon Bachelor Pad recently wrote a blog post about kissing a girl that had limited kissing skills . It reminded me of an experience I had a few years ago . HandsomeRob served his mission in Brazil and he knows tons of Brazilians . Oftentimes , HandsomeRob would invite me along to Brazilian parties that he was invited to . I didn 't speak Portuguese so I often found myself in awkward situations at these parties . One party had a karaoke machine . Everyone was having great fun singing popular Brazilian songs . A really cute Brazilian girl ( lets call her Braza ) was doing some of the singing . We flirted a bit . Braza spoke a bit of English but to say she was fluent in it would be a lie . We tried singing a duet of a popular Brazilian song but holy crap , that stuff moves fast and my Portuguese reading skills are probably on par with my Portuguese speaking skills . So we sang a duet of an English song . This is probably what led me to believe that Braza understood what I was saying . I was wrong . We went to her apartment after the party to watch The Incredibles . I think this further persuaded me that Braza spoke fluent English . HandsomeRob played an excellent wingman by sitting on the floor while we watched the movie . We had drove there together so we didn 't have lots of options . It took probably half the movie to get Braza to cuddle with me . It just wasn 't very natural . But then , less than 5 seconds after starting to cuddle , Braza and I were making out . This was my first experience kissing a Brazilian . So , we started kissing and here is what happened . Braza took her tongue , inserted it in my mouth and then stopped . I kid you not . She put her tongue inside my mouth like a dead anchovy and then she . . . did . . . nothing . . . It just kinda sat there . Don 't get me wrong , I like having a cute girl 's tongue in my mouth as much as the next guy . However , I don 't so much enjoy having a cute dead girl 's tongue in my mouth , which is what this felt like . Her tongue wasn 't going cold , it just wasn 't moving at all . I tried pushing her tongue out withPosted by On Friday night , MrsChief , Chief , Gamer and I went to see MacGruber . It wasn 't a particularly great movie . Oh yeah , and Gamer brought one of her friends . After the movie , we were standing in the hallway talking . Talking about nothing . I had some soda during the movie and I really had to go . But , it appeared that all the bathrooms for the theater were past the ticket counter ( we were in the main lobby ) . So , the conversation was going nowhere , I really had to go and it felt awkward . The situation was just weird and I wasn 't thinking straight . So I kinda just walked away . And didn 't come back . It was pouring rain so I decided to just go straight to my car and drive home rather than try and find a bathroom . When I got home , Gamer texted me and said something about how weird it was that I had left . I guess it was kinda weird . But it 's not like we had any other plans after the movie . And it 's not like I was on a date with Gamer . How can I tell that Gamer really likes me ? She still wanted to come over to my house and hang out . We hung out for a little while and then she took off cause I needed to get up the next morning and get some work done . On Sunday evening , I went over to Gamer 's to play some Super Mario Bros . on her Wii . You may not know this about me but I love Super Mario Bros . Since the day my older brother received a Nintendo for his birthday , I have been fascinated with the game . I have a lot of fun with Gamer but I am just not falling for her . Other Notes : I called Simpson over the weekend and left a message but she never called me back . I think Simpson might be pulling another disappearing act . Crack told me today that he is setting me up with his personal trainer . FarFarAway called me on Saturday to hang out and again last night . I was supposed to go to dinner with Simpson the other night . But when I texted her , she told me she had forgotten and that she had some car problems that needed taken care of . I know it sounds dumb but I was kinda bugged at Simpson about it . So I haven 't contacted her since . Last night I went to a condo with Sugarloaf , Barrel , TheCaptain , Robin ( The Boy Wonder ) , Giselle , this girl BigMac and this girl LuvMeLongTime . LuvMeLongTime and Giselle are really good friends . I really have no interest in dating any of these girls . It 's amazing how hard it is to get girls to come along on things with us . I know Sugarloaf called like 5 girls and none came . TheCaptain brought along all three ( all of whom I had met before ) . Everytime I hear girls complain about how they are never hanging out with guys , I have a hard time believing it . Either there are tons more guys than girls around or huge groups of girls are going around with a small number of guys . Either way , it pisses me off . While I was in law school , a coworker showed me a picture of his sister - in - law named Sphynx . She was really cute . I suggested he set me up with her and he told me that I had no idea what I was getting into . Sphynx bred / raised hairless cats . She didn 't have one or two or three or four . She had 17 ! Still , she looked cute enough and I thought to myself " How bad can a bunch of cats be ? " On our first date , Sphynx seemed fairly normal , albeit a little shy . The date was fairly short and I thought I would ask her out again . As we were driving after dinner , Sphynx told me that a year earlier , she had been stealing oxycontin from the pharmacy where she worked and had been sent to rehab . I know it 's a good idea to get things like that out in the open fairly early on , but conversations about recent drug abuse on a second date is not recommended . Still , the date went well enough . We watched a movie at her house ( well , her parent 's house where she lived ) and things appeared to be going well . We started making out and I kid you not , a hairless cat jumped up on me . GoPosted by On Friday , Cowboy called me up and wanted to know if I would double with him . I already had a date planned with Simpson . We met up and went to the dance studio to learn the tango . Simpson was not as impressed as I thought she might be . After all , normally isn 't it the girl that is begging the guy to go take dance lessons . She thought it was kind of dumb to learn to do old dances like that . I thought it was quite fun and the tango is a fun dance to learn . After dinner , we headed out to the drag races . I will always have a special place in my heart for white trash people . Perhaps it was the many years I worked at Wal Mart . So going to watch drag races just gives me a warm feeling inside . Of course , as we watched the cars race , all I really wanted to do was get my own car out there to race . According to online specifications , my car should be able to do a 1 / 4 mile in 13 . 9 seconds , which was faster than more than half of the cars there . I saw one car nearly break the 1 / 4 mile in under 10 seconds . I should have been a racecar driver . Sugarloaf , Barrel and Arches were there too . Simpson had fun but she was tired . I dropped her off , gave her a goodnight kiss and headed home . On Saturday , KJo and I met for lunch and some furniture shopping . We found a place selling these giraffes that were about 5 feet tall for $ 6500 . Ha ha , I was tempted but not that tempted . By late afternoon , I was tired so I delayed my date with Gamer for a bit while I took a nap . I met up with Gamer and after a quick dinner , we went and saw the movie The Good , the bad , the weird . She had initially suggested we see Robin Hood but I wasn 't sure I could handle two hours of hollywood crap . The Good , the bad , the weird is this chinese action movie . The action scenes moved a little too fast on occasion and sometimes the subtitles in white were impossible to read but the movie was fun . I know Gamer enjoyed it . We drove back to her car . As we were saying our goodbyes , this homeless dude walked up for a chat in the hopes of scoring some cash . I don 't particulPosted by On Wednesday night , I headed over to Gamer 's place . We had planned to go bowling but it ended up being too late . So we played mario on her wii for a little while . Then I sang a couple of songs for her with her guitar that I wrote years ago . We made out and I left . I felt awful on the drive home from her house . Why ? Because I knew that I was going to hurt her . At this point , there is absolutely no way for me to not cause her pain . I know she isn 't right for me . Dating her will never be enough for me . I know that the right answer of what I should do is tell her right away . I should call her up and just explain that I think she is really cool but it just doesn 't feel right . That would hurt her less than dragging it out , right ? But I am not sure if I am going to do that . A part of me , a very large part , wants to just drag it out . Slowly start hanging out with her less and less and hope she meets some other guy and can reject me in favor of him . This is exactly what happened with Pulse and probably what I am most comfortable with . But it isn 't right and I know it . I like Gamer . She is cool to hang out with . She is very spunky . She is very unique . She collects action figures , loves video games , plays guitar and is fun to be around . It just isn 't enough . I first decided to write a dating blog after several conversations with the infamous Holly Lynn . Her blog " if i were really skinny . . . " was the inspiration for my blog , even though our blogs have almost nothing in common ( hers is about fashion and pop culture and diet coke - mine is about my dating escapades ) . I was there when Holly Lynn got a boyfriend ( well , not physically there , man that would have been awkward - just heard about it from her soon after the fact ) and I was there when I found out Holly Lynn got engaged ( I wasn 't there when she got married , even though I had promised her a quilt with something about her husband 's nickname " de la rocca - conservative " embroidered on it , sorry about that Holly Lynn , I am not sure you really would want a quilt like that anyway , if you were just going to throw it away , it doesn 't really make sense for me to have it made , does it ? ) . Since then , Holly 's blog posts have become fewer and farther apart . After I began blogging , my good friend Lorelei from law school read my blog and decided to start her own dating blog " Date Lorelei " which was a much better put - together blog than this one . Now that Lorelei has become engaged , she has stopped posting on her blog . Although I certainly wish her well , when a friend that is a girl gets married , the dynamic of the friendship changes . I just don 't feel as comfortable chatting with married women . So I feel as if I am losing Lorelei as a friend in much the same way I lost Holly Lynn as a friend and the way I lost Chanel many years ago as a friend . Another one of my good friends from law school got engaged a few weeks ago . It has me reflecting quite a bit on my position in life and dating . Maybe I subconsciously don 't want to get married . When my friends have gotten married , most of them have deserted me . I will admit that I have a lot of bad feelings towards marriage . Besides the fact that many ( if not most , depending on who you ask ) married couples are unhappy , there is also the huge chance that the marriage will not be successful Posted by On Friday , UpsideDown messaged me to let me know that she couldn 't go out with me . It wasn 't a huge surprise for me . I texted Gamer and asked if she wanted to go to littlelittlebrother 's soccer game . She said it sounded like fun and would meet me at my house . The game was heartbreaking . Littlelittlebrother played really well but his team lost in double overtime . Rather than wait around while my entire family asked Gamer questions , we took off and got tickets to the new Ironman 2 movie . The movie wasn 't all that great but it wasn 't awful . Neither of us particularly loved it . Then we went back to my house and talked on the couch for a bit . I could tell that Gamer wanted me to kiss her . To be honest , I wasn 't really sure if I wanted to kiss her though . So I hugged her and sent her on her way . On Saturday , I had a date planned with Simpson . As I was pulling out of my driveway to go pick her up , I decided to pick 4 pink tulips from my front yard to give to her . I don 't know much about flowers . For some reason , they just grow around my house . I guess they must be bulbs planted . Anyway , I think it definitely earned me some brownie points with Simpson when I showed up at her house holding a bouquet of freshly handpicked flowers . We went to dinner at my favorite Indian restaurant and then watched a movie back at my house . After the movie , it felt pretty natural to just move in and make out with Simpson . After all , a year ago I made out with Simpson several times . It was a pretty good make out . There are definitely a lot of qualities about Simpson that I like . On Sunday , after a mothers day dinner with my family , I headed over to Gamer 's to watch a movie . We cuddled during the movie but things definitely don 't feel as natural with Gamer as they do with Simpson . Nevertheless , I ended up making out with Gamer . It was a much more awkward make out . For one , I think Gamer 's couch kinda smells like urine ( from her yappy dog , no doubt ; or because it is a really old couch ) . Also , I think Simpson is way more experienced at the wholPosted by Simpson and I went out last night . She almost canceled the date at the last minute cause she had to take her mom to her sister 's place ( her mom is in from out of town and doesn 't have a car here ) . The conversation went really well . One thing about Simpson is that I feel very comfortable around her . She is smart enough to have a decent conversation with but not so smart as to be self aware ( which usually leads to awkwardness ) . At the end of the date , I didn 't find myself laying in bed thinking about her . I don 't feel inspired to write a song about her . I want to go out with her again . I just don 't feel that extra umph . That unexplainable something that you feel with some people and don 't feel with others . We made plans to do something on Saturday . Today I rememberd that I had already made plans for Saturday with UpsideDown . UpsideDown and I used to work together many years ago . She found me on the facebook and I thought it would be fun to hang out . I don 't know how serious I am / could be about dating UpsideDown because she has several kids and we never really clicked that well . I am gonna try and move the hang out with UpsideDown to Friday so I can do the date with Simpson on Saturday . Notes : I told FormerLesbian that I would go running with her today . The poor girl is suffering from depression and I think she really needs some friends . Pulse told me she was hanging out with her exboyfriend . Since then , she has been fairly distant . In fact , she didn 't even respond to my last text . On Sunday , I talked for a few seconds to this girl Filer . I have kinda known Filer for over a year . She is good friends with TheFlake . Filer looked really good at church and I found myself wanting to date her . The problem is , Filer taught TheFlake everything she knows about how to flirt with boys but keep them at arms length . It 's like trying to beat Mike Tyson in Punch - Out ! ! before you are able to beat Don Flamenco . You are outmatched and in way over your head . I was supposed to go on a date with Simpson on Friday night but she canceled . She said her mom was in town and it sounded legit enough that I just let it slide . We made plans to do something tonight but then last night she texted me and asked if we could move it to tomorrow night . Maybe the reason I stopped dating Simpson a year ago was because it was just so hard to actually see her . On Sunday , I went to church at the 90210 ward . There were literally 500 people there . To anyone who says there is not a mormon aristocracy , I present the 90210 ward as exhibit A . Sacrament meeting is a freaking fashion show . In most singles wards , the parking lot resembles a badly maintained used car lot . There will be cars with the spare tire on , cars with cracked windshields , and cars without paint jobs . Typical for the poor college students that attend . Not the 90210 ward . Harley Davidson motorcycles , lexus , audi , mercedes , ferrari ( singular ) and other brands fill the lot . Both the guys and the girls look like fashion models . Girls walk around with $ 1000 purses and $ 1000 high heels . Some of the guys have expensive business suits . I hadnt showered cause I was running late . And I had a moustache . I felt super out of place . As I sat there looking at all the beautiful people , I felt more and more like there was no way I was ever going to meet someone . I left in a very bad mood . I took a nap to reset and then went over to Gamer 's place to play video games . We played Super Mario Bros on the wii for like 4 hours . It was fun . Gamer is absolutely not as cute as some of the other girls I have dated . She is completely inactive in the church . She uses the F word quite frequently . She is socially awkward . A few years ago , I did an internship . I was roommates with Kenny . Kenny was a nice enough kid . One time we had a conversation and he basically told me that he knew he was cooler than me . It bothered me at the time . I mean , he probably was cooler than me . But I disliked the fact that he had to tell me he thought he was cooler than me . With somPosted by " I mean this in the nicest way possible , but you 've got some issues . " - DC " Seriously ? ! Chill . " - Cheryl " You have always come across as the guy who 's desperately wanting to get married . And I don 't mean that in a good way . " - Miss A " That is satan 's plan , that sneaky bastard ! " - littlebrother " I might kick your a * * . " - singlemormonchick " I hate lip gloss . It is too sticky and way too shiny . Gross . " - DCFresh " I think if you let your issue with lip gloss application go , you will find your girl tripp . " - singlemormonchick " I don 't think the rich girls are for you - they 'd go crazy with your bank account ! " - Kensey " I usually kissed guys before I even went on a date with them . " - Cheryl " You have revived my interest in the Mormon dating life ! ! " - Andrea " If you can 't make out , why date at all ? " - Amy " I love your blog - like seriously - I do ! ! ! " - Daisy " You might be brilliant . " - Rachel Adventure
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Mormon Bachelor Pad recently wrote a blog post about kissing a girl that had limited kissing skills . It reminded me of an experience I had a few years ago . HandsomeRob served his mission in Brazil and he knows tons of Brazilians . Oftentimes , HandsomeRob would invite me along to Brazilian parties that he was invited to . I didn 't speak Portuguese so I often found myself in awkward situations at these parties . One party had a karaoke machine . Everyone was having great fun singing popular Brazilian songs . A really cute Brazilian girl ( lets call her Braza ) was doing some of the singing . We flirted a bit . Braza spoke a bit of English but to say she was fluent in it would be a lie . We tried singing a duet of a popular Brazilian song but holy crap , that stuff moves fast and my Portuguese reading skills are probably on par with my Portuguese speaking skills . So we sang a duet of an English song . This is probably what led me to believe that Braza understood what I was saying . I was wrong . We went to her apartment after the party to watch The Incredibles . I think this further persuaded me that Braza spoke fluent English . HandsomeRob played an excellent wingman by sitting on the floor while we watched the movie . We had drove there together so we didn 't have lots of options . It took probably half the movie to get Braza to cuddle with me . It just wasn 't very natural . But then , less than 5 seconds after starting to cuddle , Braza and I were making out . This was my first experience kissing a Brazilian . So , we started kissing and here is what happened . Braza took her tongue , inserted it in my mouth and then stopped . I kid you not . She put her tongue inside my mouth like a dead anchovy and then she . . . did . . . nothing . . . It just kinda sat there . Don 't get me wrong , I like having a cute girl 's tongue in my mouth as much as the next guy . However , I don 't so much enjoy having a cute dead girl 's tongue in my mouth , which is what this felt like . Her tongue wasn 't going cold , it just wasn 't moving at all . I tried pushing her tongue out withPosted by On Friday night , MrsChief , Chief , Gamer and I went to see MacGruber . It wasn 't a particularly great movie . Oh yeah , and Gamer brought one of her friends . After the movie , we were standing in the hallway talking . Talking about nothing . I had some soda during the movie and I really had to go . But , it appeared that all the bathrooms for the theater were past the ticket counter ( we were in the main lobby ) . So , the conversation was going nowhere , I really had to go and it felt awkward . The situation was just weird and I wasn 't thinking straight . So I kinda just walked away . And didn 't come back . It was pouring rain so I decided to just go straight to my car and drive home rather than try and find a bathroom . When I got home , Gamer texted me and said something about how weird it was that I had left . I guess it was kinda weird . But it 's not like we had any other plans after the movie . And it 's not like I was on a date with Gamer . How can I tell that Gamer really likes me ? She still wanted to come over to my house and hang out . We hung out for a little while and then she took off cause I needed to get up the next morning and get some work done . On Sunday evening , I went over to Gamer 's to play some Super Mario Bros . on her Wii . You may not know this about me but I love Super Mario Bros . Since the day my older brother received a Nintendo for his birthday , I have been fascinated with the game . I have a lot of fun with Gamer but I am just not falling for her . Other Notes : I called Simpson over the weekend and left a message but she never called me back . I think Simpson might be pulling another disappearing act . Crack told me today that he is setting me up with his personal trainer . FarFarAway called me on Saturday to hang out and again last night . I was supposed to go to dinner with Simpson the other night . But when I texted her , she told me she had forgotten and that she had some car problems that needed taken care of . I know it sounds dumb but I was kinda bugged at Simpson about it . So I haven 't contacted her since . Last night I went to a condo with Sugarloaf , Barrel , TheCaptain , Robin ( The Boy Wonder ) , Giselle , this girl BigMac and this girl LuvMeLongTime . LuvMeLongTime and Giselle are really good friends . I really have no interest in dating any of these girls . It 's amazing how hard it is to get girls to come along on things with us . I know Sugarloaf called like 5 girls and none came . TheCaptain brought along all three ( all of whom I had met before ) . Everytime I hear girls complain about how they are never hanging out with guys , I have a hard time believing it . Either there are tons more guys than girls around or huge groups of girls are going around with a small number of guys . Either way , it pisses me off . While I was in law school , a coworker showed me a picture of his sister - in - law named Sphynx . She was really cute . I suggested he set me up with her and he told me that I had no idea what I was getting into . Sphynx bred / raised hairless cats . She didn 't have one or two or three or four . She had 17 ! Still , she looked cute enough and I thought to myself " How bad can a bunch of cats be ? " On our first date , Sphynx seemed fairly normal , albeit a little shy . The date was fairly short and I thought I would ask her out again . As we were driving after dinner , Sphynx told me that a year earlier , she had been stealing oxycontin from the pharmacy where she worked and had been sent to rehab . I know it 's a good idea to get things like that out in the open fairly early on , but conversations about recent drug abuse on a second date is not recommended . Still , the date went well enough . We watched a movie at her house ( well , her parent 's house where she lived ) and things appeared to be going well . We started making out and I kid you not , a hairless cat jumped up on me . GoPosted by On Friday , Cowboy called me up and wanted to know if I would double with him . I already had a date planned with Simpson . We met up and went to the dance studio to learn the tango . Simpson was not as impressed as I thought she might be . After all , normally isn 't it the girl that is begging the guy to go take dance lessons . She thought it was kind of dumb to learn to do old dances like that . I thought it was quite fun and the tango is a fun dance to learn . After dinner , we headed out to the drag races . I will always have a special place in my heart for white trash people . Perhaps it was the many years I worked at Wal Mart . So going to watch drag races just gives me a warm feeling inside . Of course , as we watched the cars race , all I really wanted to do was get my own car out there to race . According to online specifications , my car should be able to do a 1 / 4 mile in 13 . 9 seconds , which was faster than more than half of the cars there . I saw one car nearly break the 1 / 4 mile in under 10 seconds . I should have been a racecar driver . Sugarloaf , Barrel and Arches were there too . Simpson had fun but she was tired . I dropped her off , gave her a goodnight kiss and headed home . On Saturday , KJo and I met for lunch and some furniture shopping . We found a place selling these giraffes that were about 5 feet tall for $ 6500 . Ha ha , I was tempted but not that tempted . By late afternoon , I was tired so I delayed my date with Gamer for a bit while I took a nap . I met up with Gamer and after a quick dinner , we went and saw the movie The Good , the bad , the weird . She had initially suggested we see Robin Hood but I wasn 't sure I could handle two hours of hollywood crap . The Good , the bad , the weird is this chinese action movie . The action scenes moved a little too fast on occasion and sometimes the subtitles in white were impossible to read but the movie was fun . I know Gamer enjoyed it . We drove back to her car . As we were saying our goodbyes , this homeless dude walked up for a chat in the hopes of scoring some cash . I don 't particulPosted by On Wednesday night , I headed over to Gamer 's place . We had planned to go bowling but it ended up being too late . So we played mario on her wii for a little while . Then I sang a couple of songs for her with her guitar that I wrote years ago . We made out and I left . I felt awful on the drive home from her house . Why ? Because I knew that I was going to hurt her . At this point , there is absolutely no way for me to not cause her pain . I know she isn 't right for me . Dating her will never be enough for me . I know that the right answer of what I should do is tell her right away . I should call her up and just explain that I think she is really cool but it just doesn 't feel right . That would hurt her less than dragging it out , right ? But I am not sure if I am going to do that . A part of me , a very large part , wants to just drag it out . Slowly start hanging out with her less and less and hope she meets some other guy and can reject me in favor of him . This is exactly what happened with Pulse and probably what I am most comfortable with . But it isn 't right and I know it . I like Gamer . She is cool to hang out with . She is very spunky . She is very unique . She collects action figures , loves video games , plays guitar and is fun to be around . It just isn 't enough . I first decided to write a dating blog after several conversations with the infamous Holly Lynn . Her blog " if i were really skinny . . . " was the inspiration for my blog , even though our blogs have almost nothing in common ( hers is about fashion and pop culture and diet coke - mine is about my dating escapades ) . I was there when Holly Lynn got a boyfriend ( well , not physically there , man that would have been awkward - just heard about it from her soon after the fact ) and I was there when I found out Holly Lynn got engaged ( I wasn 't there when she got married , even though I had promised her a quilt with something about her husband 's nickname " de la rocca - conservative " embroidered on it , sorry about that Holly Lynn , I am not sure you really would want a quilt like that anyway , if you were just going to throw it away , it doesn 't really make sense for me to have it made , does it ? ) . Since then , Holly 's blog posts have become fewer and farther apart . After I began blogging , my good friend Lorelei from law school read my blog and decided to start her own dating blog " Date Lorelei " which was a much better put - together blog than this one . Now that Lorelei has become engaged , she has stopped posting on her blog . Although I certainly wish her well , when a friend that is a girl gets married , the dynamic of the friendship changes . I just don 't feel as comfortable chatting with married women . So I feel as if I am losing Lorelei as a friend in much the same way I lost Holly Lynn as a friend and the way I lost Chanel many years ago as a friend . Another one of my good friends from law school got engaged a few weeks ago . It has me reflecting quite a bit on my position in life and dating . Maybe I subconsciously don 't want to get married . When my friends have gotten married , most of them have deserted me . I will admit that I have a lot of bad feelings towards marriage . Besides the fact that many ( if not most , depending on who you ask ) married couples are unhappy , there is also the huge chance that the marriage will not be successful Posted by On Friday , UpsideDown messaged me to let me know that she couldn 't go out with me . It wasn 't a huge surprise for me . I texted Gamer and asked if she wanted to go to littlelittlebrother 's soccer game . She said it sounded like fun and would meet me at my house . The game was heartbreaking . Littlelittlebrother played really well but his team lost in double overtime . Rather than wait around while my entire family asked Gamer questions , we took off and got tickets to the new Ironman 2 movie . The movie wasn 't all that great but it wasn 't awful . Neither of us particularly loved it . Then we went back to my house and talked on the couch for a bit . I could tell that Gamer wanted me to kiss her . To be honest , I wasn 't really sure if I wanted to kiss her though . So I hugged her and sent her on her way . On Saturday , I had a date planned with Simpson . As I was pulling out of my driveway to go pick her up , I decided to pick 4 pink tulips from my front yard to give to her . I don 't know much about flowers . For some reason , they just grow around my house . I guess they must be bulbs planted . Anyway , I think it definitely earned me some brownie points with Simpson when I showed up at her house holding a bouquet of freshly handpicked flowers . We went to dinner at my favorite Indian restaurant and then watched a movie back at my house . After the movie , it felt pretty natural to just move in and make out with Simpson . After all , a year ago I made out with Simpson several times . It was a pretty good make out . There are definitely a lot of qualities about Simpson that I like . On Sunday , after a mothers day dinner with my family , I headed over to Gamer 's to watch a movie . We cuddled during the movie but things definitely don 't feel as natural with Gamer as they do with Simpson . Nevertheless , I ended up making out with Gamer . It was a much more awkward make out . For one , I think Gamer 's couch kinda smells like urine ( from her yappy dog , no doubt ; or because it is a really old couch ) . Also , I think Simpson is way more experienced at the wholPosted by Simpson and I went out last night . She almost canceled the date at the last minute cause she had to take her mom to her sister 's place ( her mom is in from out of town and doesn 't have a car here ) . The conversation went really well . One thing about Simpson is that I feel very comfortable around her . She is smart enough to have a decent conversation with but not so smart as to be self aware ( which usually leads to awkwardness ) . At the end of the date , I didn 't find myself laying in bed thinking about her . I don 't feel inspired to write a song about her . I want to go out with her again . I just don 't feel that extra umph . That unexplainable something that you feel with some people and don 't feel with others . We made plans to do something on Saturday . Today I rememberd that I had already made plans for Saturday with UpsideDown . UpsideDown and I used to work together many years ago . She found me on the facebook and I thought it would be fun to hang out . I don 't know how serious I am / could be about dating UpsideDown because she has several kids and we never really clicked that well . I am gonna try and move the hang out with UpsideDown to Friday so I can do the date with Simpson on Saturday . Notes : I told FormerLesbian that I would go running with her today . The poor girl is suffering from depression and I think she really needs some friends . Pulse told me she was hanging out with her exboyfriend . Since then , she has been fairly distant . In fact , she didn 't even respond to my last text . On Sunday , I talked for a few seconds to this girl Filer . I have kinda known Filer for over a year . She is good friends with TheFlake . Filer looked really good at church and I found myself wanting to date her . The problem is , Filer taught TheFlake everything she knows about how to flirt with boys but keep them at arms length . It 's like trying to beat Mike Tyson in Punch - Out ! ! before you are able to beat Don Flamenco . You are outmatched and in way over your head . I was supposed to go on a date with Simpson on Friday night but she canceled . She said her mom was in town and it sounded legit enough that I just let it slide . We made plans to do something tonight but then last night she texted me and asked if we could move it to tomorrow night . Maybe the reason I stopped dating Simpson a year ago was because it was just so hard to actually see her . On Sunday , I went to church at the 90210 ward . There were literally 500 people there . To anyone who says there is not a mormon aristocracy , I present the 90210 ward as exhibit A . Sacrament meeting is a freaking fashion show . In most singles wards , the parking lot resembles a badly maintained used car lot . There will be cars with the spare tire on , cars with cracked windshields , and cars without paint jobs . Typical for the poor college students that attend . Not the 90210 ward . Harley Davidson motorcycles , lexus , audi , mercedes , ferrari ( singular ) and other brands fill the lot . Both the guys and the girls look like fashion models . Girls walk around with $ 1000 purses and $ 1000 high heels . Some of the guys have expensive business suits . I hadnt showered cause I was running late . And I had a moustache . I felt super out of place . As I sat there looking at all the beautiful people , I felt more and more like there was no way I was ever going to meet someone . I left in a very bad mood . I took a nap to reset and then went over to Gamer 's place to play video games . We played Super Mario Bros on the wii for like 4 hours . It was fun . Gamer is absolutely not as cute as some of the other girls I have dated . She is completely inactive in the church . She uses the F word quite frequently . She is socially awkward . A few years ago , I did an internship . I was roommates with Kenny . Kenny was a nice enough kid . One time we had a conversation and he basically told me that he knew he was cooler than me . It bothered me at the time . I mean , he probably was cooler than me . But I disliked the fact that he had to tell me he thought he was cooler than me . With somPosted by " I mean this in the nicest way possible , but you 've got some issues . " - DC " Seriously ? ! Chill . " - Cheryl " You have always come across as the guy who 's desperately wanting to get married . And I don 't mean that in a good way . " - Miss A " That is satan 's plan , that sneaky bastard ! " - littlebrother " I might kick your a * * . " - singlemormonchick " I hate lip gloss . It is too sticky and way too shiny . Gross . " - DCFresh " I think if you let your issue with lip gloss application go , you will find your girl tripp . " - singlemormonchick " I don 't think the rich girls are for you - they 'd go crazy with your bank account ! " - Kensey " I usually kissed guys before I even went on a date with them . " - Cheryl " You have revived my interest in the Mormon dating life ! ! " - Andrea " If you can 't make out , why date at all ? " - Amy " I love your blog - like seriously - I do ! ! ! " - Daisy " You might be brilliant . " - Rachel Adventure
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If you walked by the desk , you 'd see crayons ev - e - ry - where . Like all over the desk . Inside the desk and littering the floor under the desk . If you walked into my kitchen , you might see dishes stacked in the sink . They are rinsed though . Because I can 't stand prying dried oatmeal from bowls . My pantry and closets have no rhyme or reason . I used to dream of having my pantry so organized it would rival that of M Stew ( Martha Stewart ) . Not got happen any time soon . And if you were to open a junk drawer . . . eh . . . you better not . My dining area and family room are generally picked up , otherwise life is outta control . And I try try to clean the boys ' bathroom frequently , in case anyone stops by to whiz . Because it would just be rude otherwise . Rude I tell you ! If you walked into my bedroom , you would probably see that I forgot to make my bed . Which drives my hubby nuts . Once upon a time , I was wheeling and dealing , and convinced him to spot me some cash for a Petunia Picklebottom , in exchange for me making my bed for a whole year . I looked so sincere , he must have said yes . What a sucker . That lasted about all of 2 or 3 days . Not a fact I 'm proud of . And my poor master bathroom . Looks like a gas station more often than not . Once again . NOT something I 'm terribly proud of . And of course , when you are taking pictures to post on OH SAY YOUR BLOG , you can always tilt the camera at just the right angle to crop out the messy areas of your home . . . or better yet , lower the aperture so that the background is superrrrr blurry . So thanks for that , Canon . My point ? I am not a stereotypical perfectionist , and if you were physically walking through my house during the day you might not know I had a problem . Rather , I have " pockets of perfectionism " . Only certain parts of my life are plagued by perfectionism . For example , there are some perfectionists who literally label and color code their pantry and closets . Their houses are spotless all the time . This was never the case with me . Other people are meticulous with their appearance . Their clothing and hair are immaculate . Also not the case for me , at least most of the time . I get into terrible ruts and wear the same thing all the time . My latest uniform consists of denim cutoffs with a black v - neck tee . And I wash my hair every 3 days . Don 't judge . It 's pretty much awesome and you should try it too . It pops out in projects that are important to me . Like when I try to sew a lil quilt , I get super picky with the fabrics , especially the color and scale of the design . I 've been known to dye fabrics on occasion , or even sew / embroider a pattern when I could not find what I wanted in the stores . THAT IS NOT NORMAL PEOPLE . Seriously . If a fabric did DID NOT EXIST , I forced it to exist . I 'm laughing now , because that is CRAZY . But that is the person I used to be . It was like I was in a trap . I knew it was insane , but I just couldn 't break out of it . I remember making a pumpkin cake with some friends for a baby shower . The orange color of the frosting was too bright for me . I kept making my friends add MORE AND MORE brown dye to make the orange more muted . My friends thought I was nutso . They called me a color snob . And rightly so . When I was in high school and college , I was perfectionistic about my grades . Only A 's were acceptable . That 's a lot of pressure for a kid . " If you don 't get good grades , you 'll work at a gas station ! " my teachers would bark . I would SO take their words to heart . . . when really they were probably talking to the gang bangers . I went to school with thugs . My hippie parents were great though and never pressured me . In fact , they would always tell me to STOP studying and go have fun . My parents were totes more cool than I was . So wrong , baha . And the worst was when I invited people over . Now all of a sudden , the house HAD to be clean . I would stay up reallllly late and make extra trips to the grocery store just to make yummy food . It just wasn 't fun anymore . By the time company arrived I was too worn out to even enjoy it . So WHY was I like this ? I never really knew . And to be quite frank . I did not care enough to really change . Until last fall . I was getting increasingly stressed out to the point where it was starting to effect my health . Ya know , like tummy aches and lack of sleep . Plus . It just doesn 't feel good to be stressed . A few weeks ago , my husband handed me a book called Hope for the Perfectionist . He told me to read it " so that I 'll understand him more " . He 's kind of a " pocket perfectionist " too . . . takes him FOREVER to mow the lawn . And he 'll stay up til midnight doing lesson plans . This would make me all cranky and nag him . A few things from the book REALLY stood out to me . They might even cure you if you are a perfectionist . . . and if you are not a perfectionist ? It might help you understand that annoying delightful friend of yours . * wink * . Everything has to appear perfect because we are prideful . We want to be perfect , like God is perfect . It 's the original sin of Satan . He wanted to be like God in heaven . And it also was the first sin of mankind . Adam and Eve took the fruit so that their eyes would be opened and they would be like God . Yup , every bad thing on earth seems to have its root in pride . To me , this fact make perfectionism easier to deal with . I don 't need a 12 - step program to rid myself of perfectionism - - I need Jesus . And his forgiveness when I 'm prideful . And I need to stoppit . Only God is perfect . I am not . >>>>> Instead of striving for perfection , strive for excellence . What is the difference ? To me , it 's a heart issue . We should try to do the best we can on a project , with the time , money and talent given us , for the GLORY OF GOD . . . rather than the glory of ourselves . It 's a subtle shift , but a major one . People on the outside may not ever know the difference , but in your heart , you will know . I always just KNOW when I 'm crossing over to the dark side . Like when I was working on Lindsay 's baby shower , I wanted flat long skinny popsicle sticks , so they my paper doll center pieces would lie flat , rather than puckering . But still , initially , I had to fight an internal battle over it . Someone striving for perfectionism will try their hardest on a task , never being satisfied , always wishing for the impossible . It 's not realistic . Someone striving for excellence will be satisfied that they did the best they could . They don 't compare themselves to others . Let 's just face it . Some people are more talented . For example , when I was in art class , we had to draw a pumpkin . I spent hours and hours agonizing over my pumpkin drawing , yet it still didn 't look real . I 'm just not a talented artist . I got to class and one of the boys forgot to do the assignment . In 5 minutes flat he drew the most amazing 3D pumpkin I have ever seen . So rude . I cannot expect myself to do that . It 's not realistic . >>>>> Perfectionists often deal in extremes . To them , things are black & white , never grey . Things are all - wonderful or all - terrible . They have an all - or - none attitude . Like in college , I had to have an A or nothing . If they can 't do something perfectly they won 't even try . Because how horrible to try something and fail . Or worse , to be average . Once again , I see pride rearing its ugly head . Everyone can 't be the best at everything . Heaven forbid you are average at a particular task . Average . Can you even deal with being average ? I know , I know . It 's a hard pill to swallow . But in the end , its good for us because it makes us more humble . If you are a perfectionist and you try at something and fail ? Let me give you some tips . You need to realize that ( 1 ) You are pretty cool for trying , because you were brave ( 2 ) Even if you failed at one job , that does not mean YOU are a failure . So what ? You screwed up on something . You are not perfect . It 's ok . It means you are only human . Don 't be so hard on yourself . And my personal favorite : >>>>> Perfectionists think that everyone must like them . This is just not rational . It is not possible for EVERYONE to like you at ALL times . Perfectionists tend to be people pleasers and go through great lengths to make people happy . And they will often push themselves to the point of ridiculous stress , just to keep the peace . Been there , done that . Don 't care to go back . But I 've since learned , that I am limited and can only do so much before I get diarrhea , lol . TMI . It 's ok if someone is upset with you , if you cannot meet their expectations . Really ? This one was news to me . I hate disappointing or upsetting someone . But it 's inevitable . I 'm human . I make mistakes . I 'm going to disappoint people . Of course I should try to live at peace with people and apologize when I 'm in the wrong . >>>>> Even if you STINK at something new , you might have tons of fun doing it . But you will never know if you don 't try . Basically , if you are a perfectionist , you are missing out on a lot of fun in life . Isn 't that sad ? ? ? ! ! ! ! I think so ! For example . I can 't dance . I 'm not coordinated . So I tend to avoid it . But it 's fuuuuuuun . My sister recently gave me a workout DVD that involves some Brazillion dance moves . I look ridiculous when I 'm practicing { and practicing . seriously girlfriend cannot dance } and my husband laughs at me . But I am truly having SO MUCH FUN . Who knew ? >>>>> My husband was out of town and I was home alone with 4 boys . I suddenly got the urge to write some hand - written letters to some friends . I thought of going to target for some cute stationary . I needed something to reflect my style , right ? ? ? ? ? But I realized it was not realistic to drag 4 boys into target . The old Davi would have abandoned writing letters . All or nothing , baby . I realized that was silly . I had some perfectly serviceable stationary in my drawer . I did not have a lot of time before dinner . So I quickly wrote on ugly stationary , before I lost my nerve , and sent them out . So if you got an ugly card , I 'm kinda sorry ; ) But trust me . It was actually a compliment to YOU , that I had faith you would not judge . >>>>> When I have a project that needs to get done , I give myself a set amount of time and stick to it . No more nit picking . This also means I get to bed on time because I 'm not up late working . Bonus . >>>>> Some dear friends were coming for a little visit from out of town . I was exhausted after a few days of VBS . They would be arriving at dinner time . Our budget was low and there was no time for elaborate food prep . I was getting SO excited . I LOVE hot dogs ! ! ! We cooked frozen fries , chopped some watermelon , boiled up some corn and I even had the energy to make brownies ! My house was a little messy . Of course I cleaned the boys ' bathroom , on account of the whiz . The boys and I looked disheveled . We had the BEST . NIGHT . EVER . I am a new person . He designed them all by himself . I know they are not wildly elaborate , but I was charmed by their sweetness . I love the grey tail to the right . >> We decided it was too much of an honor for this tower to reside in the family room . Wink . The honor was officially bestowed on the boys ' room , making its grand debut next to Finn 's bed . Because surprisingly , Finn has turned out to be Peach 's biggest advocate . He gets up before the sun , just to feed Peach some canned food . And then he crashes back in bed , where Peach subsequently joins him . >> Can you even spot Peach in this room , amongst all the neutral tan beige blah ? She is practically camouflaged . I 'm sleepy just looking at this photo . >> The boys room needs a whole new face look . But I have no money or time for that now . I am currently trying to save for a new couch . So . Currently reading through Psalms and Proverbs . Psalms has been amazing . David 's prayers have been directly reflecting my heart lately . And Proverbs ? Well , I need wisdom every day and so I think I will need to read a chapter of Proverbs every day for the rest of my life . I love the bejeweled tush of this unicorn . I am going to open up an etsy shop and sell these bookmarks . Ha . I mean do you think I could get 10 cents each ? I could market to 10 - year - old girls . Monday I was shopping with a young girl named Ashanti at Target . While there , we randomly met this very cute 9 or 10 year - old - girl , with strawberry blonde hair and the biggest blue eyes . She was shopping with her father , who kept holding up all these blingy items for her to wear . Where was the mother ? I have no idea . Anyway , the father disappeared and the cute girl tried to make friends with us . " Hi " she said . We then started talking nonstop about clothes and outfits and whatnot . For her back - to - school outfit , she was wearing some jeggings , wild glittery sneaker boots and this unicorn shirt : I am turning ON my comments section for a spell , and am going to see how it goes . I turned the comments off like a year or 2 ago . . . it was supposed to be for lent for 40 days . . . but I kept them off longer because it felt right . I just needed a break , to make sure my head was on straight . And to make sure that my heart was in the right place . It 's nice to mix things up a bit though . . . and I do love being able to comment on your blogs . I get all angryfists when I 'm not allowed to comment . So here I am , and I kinda feel like the awkward new kid on the block . Um , " hi , my name is Davi " . And can someone please tell me what 's up with word verification lately ? It is getting harder and harder to prove that I am NOT a robot . Like I have to enter the ridiculouslysquished letters and weird low - budget tile number sign ( what is THAT THING ? ) THREE times before it lets me comment . It 's killing me . I walked in the front door of the reading program . I was instantly greeted by the cheerful Pastor Cesar and his wife Maria , who have recently taken leadership of the reading program . Pastor Cesar is quite the character - - half the time he speaks English and half the time he speaks Spanish , while his wife translates . Seriously , he will be chattering about something in English , when all of a sudden he breaks into Spanish when he can 't find the right words to say in English . He is always laughing and joking around and is just a lot of fun to be around . I am almost always smiling when he is around ( I just used the word ' around ' 3 times in a row ) . On the other hand , he is quite serious and passionate about the reading program and demands excellence from his volunteers . Today , a family who just moved from here El Salvador , walked in the doors of the reading program - - they did not speak one word of English . Thank goodness Pastor Cesar was there . He immediately started talking to them in Spanish , and made them feel at home . He is so good at that . One of the girls from El Salvador , named Sindy , sat next to me at the table . She looked like she was in junior high . One of the translators helped her fill out some paperwork and then got her a Disney Princess book to flip through . As she sat looking at the pages of the book , she looked so sad . I cannot even begin to imagine how tough it would be , to be transported to a foreign country , without knowing the language . I was helping another kid at the table . Even though the majority of the kids are from Spanish - speaking homes , most of them can speak English fairly well . But not Sindy . She only speaks Spanish . I smiled at Sindy but had no idea what to say to her - - you see , my spanish is a bit rusty . I took a few years of Spanish in high school . . . 3 years to be exact . There was a point in time where I could speak some Spanish . Sort of . I mean , I couldn 't roll my R 's and sounded like quite the gringo . My little sister Lindsay used to practice with me for hours " rrrrrrrrruffles have rrrrrrrridges " on and on . . . but I just could not roll my R 's to save my life ! However , since I had just taken Spanish , at least some of it was still fresh in my mind . But now ? Notsomuch . Use it or lose it . I have forgotten most of my Spanish vocab , along with the verb tenses and conjugation . Man . I wish I could speak Spanish ! I looked again at Sindy and her sad face . I looked back at the other kid I was helping . I felt kind of torn . I really wanted to say something to Sindy . . . anything . But what ? For a minute , I was tempted to just go back to the kid I was helping and pretend like I was not able to help Sindy . I could have sat there in my comfort zone . And nobody would have known . I looked at her mother across the room and I looked back at Sindy , who was listlessly turning the pages of the Princess book . I wondered if she could understand anything . Was she bored ? Lonely ? I wanted so badly to make her feel loved and welcome . I felt the nudge ( most likely by the Lord ) to try to speak to her in Spanish , even if I made the biggest fool of myself . I would rather look foolish , than for this girl and her mama to walk out of the doors and think nobody cared about them . SO . Here goes . I asked Sindy , " sad to be en Los Estados Unidos ? " She kind of looked at me quizzically while Pastor Cesar walked by and quickly translated for me . " She is very sad that she is not in El Salvador " , he said . He then patted me on my back and cheered me on . " You atryin ' to speak Spanish ? " he asked happily . . . followed by " very good " . Then he said to me and Sindy . . . " you two should teach each other " . Pastor Cesar knows how to encourage . Encourage = to inspire courage . I definitely needed courage to speak Spanish . Pastor Cesar gave me just the nudge I needed . I then pointed at the Cinderella in the book and said " Cinderella " . I felt like the queen of awkward . Pastor Cesar and Sindy told me it was " Cenicienta " in Spanish . Say what ? ? Come again ? They repeated " Cenicienta " and I tried " Cececente " , mumbling incoherently . I pointed at one of Cinderella 's mice and said " mouse " and she looked at me with her eye squinting and said " mowsss ? ? ? " with the funniest look on her face . She then said " raton " . I repeated , " raton " . " Hayyyyyyer ? " she asked me in confusion . I grabbed a piece of Sindy 's brown hair and tugged it and said , " yes , hair " . She said , " Ohhhh pelo " . Finally I grabbed a piece of paper . I looked at the picture of Ariel and Eric with the fireworks and pointed to the fireworks and said " fireworks " . . . and then wrote it down for her . She then wrote for me " Fuegos Artifisiales " . Pastor Cesar told me that fuego means fire . Hey that makes sense ! Artifisiales means artificial . Fire artificial = fireworks . Not bad . We were getting somewhere . So I pointed at the " castle " and " prince " and we translated for each other by writing it on the piece of paper . We were laughing and smiling . We ended up having a great afternoon . Thank you Lord . She was learning English and I was learning Spanish . Even though I may not give much thought to random billboards on the freeway , I do think that encouragement is meant to be passed on . Pastor Cesar passed it on to me and I am excited for my next opportunity to pass it on to someone else ! But I would also wear it on a date with the hubs in a heartbeat . Actually I would wear it anywhere . Very comfortable and soft , made of a rayon / spandex blend . I am kind of obsessed with these unique Peruvian bracelets . They are made from from a family in Peru , out of antique Peruvian fabrics . You can find it on the Go Fish website as the Mollie Bracelet . No two are exactly the same ! This is one of the things I love about Go Fish - - they have authentic products . Go Fish travels to developing nations and helps the talented indigenous people groups by purchasing and selling their homemade goods . Go Fish ever so kindly let me select a product to give away to ONE OF YOU . And I picked the Peruvian bracelet of course ! Makes me so happy ! Don 't you love peaceful sleeping baby pics ? James thinks NOT . Oh amigo . Or little leprechaun . He is a boy of many nicknames . Since day ONE he has always been extremely alert . Eyes always open and looking around . But no . Someone outside made the slightest peep . AND BOOM . Back to square one . Oh my . And Savannah just smiles . Hey ! Isn 't there a movie called Savannah Smiles ? Why yes , there is . Then he 's happy as a clam . Very consolable . And very engaging . Until we try to get him back down for a picture with his sissy . No way , no how , he was not going to have any part of that . All the while , sweet little Savannah just slept the day away . I was a good sleeper , just like Savannah , when I was a baby . So I have been told . And then , Savannah finally wakes up and decides it 's time to eat . She is wisked away . As Savannah is eating , little amigo FINALLY decides to take a cat - nap . It was a conspiracy . Sweet prince , how I wish you would have napped with your sister . But auntie will take what she can get . And then he woke up 2 minutes later and screamed til the sun went down .
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If you walked by the desk , you 'd see crayons ev - e - ry - where . Like all over the desk . Inside the desk and littering the floor under the desk . If you walked into my kitchen , you might see dishes stacked in the sink . They are rinsed though . Because I can 't stand prying dried oatmeal from bowls . My pantry and closets have no rhyme or reason . I used to dream of having my pantry so organized it would rival that of M Stew ( Martha Stewart ) . Not got happen any time soon . And if you were to open a junk drawer . . . eh . . . you better not . My dining area and family room are generally picked up , otherwise life is outta control . And I try try to clean the boys ' bathroom frequently , in case anyone stops by to whiz . Because it would just be rude otherwise . Rude I tell you ! If you walked into my bedroom , you would probably see that I forgot to make my bed . Which drives my hubby nuts . Once upon a time , I was wheeling and dealing , and convinced him to spot me some cash for a Petunia Picklebottom , in exchange for me making my bed for a whole year . I looked so sincere , he must have said yes . What a sucker . That lasted about all of 2 or 3 days . Not a fact I 'm proud of . And my poor master bathroom . Looks like a gas station more often than not . Once again . NOT something I 'm terribly proud of . And of course , when you are taking pictures to post on OH SAY YOUR BLOG , you can always tilt the camera at just the right angle to crop out the messy areas of your home . . . or better yet , lower the aperture so that the background is superrrrr blurry . So thanks for that , Canon . My point ? I am not a stereotypical perfectionist , and if you were physically walking through my house during the day you might not know I had a problem . Rather , I have " pockets of perfectionism " . Only certain parts of my life are plagued by perfectionism . For example , there are some perfectionists who literally label and color code their pantry and closets . Their houses are spotless all the time . This was never the case with me . Other people are meticulous with their appearance . Their clothing and hair are immaculate . Also not the case for me , at least most of the time . I get into terrible ruts and wear the same thing all the time . My latest uniform consists of denim cutoffs with a black v - neck tee . And I wash my hair every 3 days . Don 't judge . It 's pretty much awesome and you should try it too . It pops out in projects that are important to me . Like when I try to sew a lil quilt , I get super picky with the fabrics , especially the color and scale of the design . I 've been known to dye fabrics on occasion , or even sew / embroider a pattern when I could not find what I wanted in the stores . THAT IS NOT NORMAL PEOPLE . Seriously . If a fabric did DID NOT EXIST , I forced it to exist . I 'm laughing now , because that is CRAZY . But that is the person I used to be . It was like I was in a trap . I knew it was insane , but I just couldn 't break out of it . I remember making a pumpkin cake with some friends for a baby shower . The orange color of the frosting was too bright for me . I kept making my friends add MORE AND MORE brown dye to make the orange more muted . My friends thought I was nutso . They called me a color snob . And rightly so . When I was in high school and college , I was perfectionistic about my grades . Only A 's were acceptable . That 's a lot of pressure for a kid . " If you don 't get good grades , you 'll work at a gas station ! " my teachers would bark . I would SO take their words to heart . . . when really they were probably talking to the gang bangers . I went to school with thugs . My hippie parents were great though and never pressured me . In fact , they would always tell me to STOP studying and go have fun . My parents were totes more cool than I was . So wrong , baha . And the worst was when I invited people over . Now all of a sudden , the house HAD to be clean . I would stay up reallllly late and make extra trips to the grocery store just to make yummy food . It just wasn 't fun anymore . By the time company arrived I was too worn out to even enjoy it . So WHY was I like this ? I never really knew . And to be quite frank . I did not care enough to really change . Until last fall . I was getting increasingly stressed out to the point where it was starting to effect my health . Ya know , like tummy aches and lack of sleep . Plus . It just doesn 't feel good to be stressed . A few weeks ago , my husband handed me a book called Hope for the Perfectionist . He told me to read it " so that I 'll understand him more " . He 's kind of a " pocket perfectionist " too . . . takes him FOREVER to mow the lawn . And he 'll stay up til midnight doing lesson plans . This would make me all cranky and nag him . A few things from the book REALLY stood out to me . They might even cure you if you are a perfectionist . . . and if you are not a perfectionist ? It might help you understand that annoying delightful friend of yours . * wink * . Everything has to appear perfect because we are prideful . We want to be perfect , like God is perfect . It 's the original sin of Satan . He wanted to be like God in heaven . And it also was the first sin of mankind . Adam and Eve took the fruit so that their eyes would be opened and they would be like God . Yup , every bad thing on earth seems to have its root in pride . To me , this fact make perfectionism easier to deal with . I don 't need a 12 - step program to rid myself of perfectionism - - I need Jesus . And his forgiveness when I 'm prideful . And I need to stoppit . Only God is perfect . I am not . >>>>> Instead of striving for perfection , strive for excellence . What is the difference ? To me , it 's a heart issue . We should try to do the best we can on a project , with the time , money and talent given us , for the GLORY OF GOD . . . rather than the glory of ourselves . It 's a subtle shift , but a major one . People on the outside may not ever know the difference , but in your heart , you will know . I always just KNOW when I 'm crossing over to the dark side . Like when I was working on Lindsay 's baby shower , I wanted flat long skinny popsicle sticks , so they my paper doll center pieces would lie flat , rather than puckering . But still , initially , I had to fight an internal battle over it . Someone striving for perfectionism will try their hardest on a task , never being satisfied , always wishing for the impossible . It 's not realistic . Someone striving for excellence will be satisfied that they did the best they could . They don 't compare themselves to others . Let 's just face it . Some people are more talented . For example , when I was in art class , we had to draw a pumpkin . I spent hours and hours agonizing over my pumpkin drawing , yet it still didn 't look real . I 'm just not a talented artist . I got to class and one of the boys forgot to do the assignment . In 5 minutes flat he drew the most amazing 3D pumpkin I have ever seen . So rude . I cannot expect myself to do that . It 's not realistic . >>>>> Perfectionists often deal in extremes . To them , things are black & white , never grey . Things are all - wonderful or all - terrible . They have an all - or - none attitude . Like in college , I had to have an A or nothing . If they can 't do something perfectly they won 't even try . Because how horrible to try something and fail . Or worse , to be average . Once again , I see pride rearing its ugly head . Everyone can 't be the best at everything . Heaven forbid you are average at a particular task . Average . Can you even deal with being average ? I know , I know . It 's a hard pill to swallow . But in the end , its good for us because it makes us more humble . If you are a perfectionist and you try at something and fail ? Let me give you some tips . You need to realize that ( 1 ) You are pretty cool for trying , because you were brave ( 2 ) Even if you failed at one job , that does not mean YOU are a failure . So what ? You screwed up on something . You are not perfect . It 's ok . It means you are only human . Don 't be so hard on yourself . And my personal favorite : >>>>> Perfectionists think that everyone must like them . This is just not rational . It is not possible for EVERYONE to like you at ALL times . Perfectionists tend to be people pleasers and go through great lengths to make people happy . And they will often push themselves to the point of ridiculous stress , just to keep the peace . Been there , done that . Don 't care to go back . But I 've since learned , that I am limited and can only do so much before I get diarrhea , lol . TMI . It 's ok if someone is upset with you , if you cannot meet their expectations . Really ? This one was news to me . I hate disappointing or upsetting someone . But it 's inevitable . I 'm human . I make mistakes . I 'm going to disappoint people . Of course I should try to live at peace with people and apologize when I 'm in the wrong . >>>>> Even if you STINK at something new , you might have tons of fun doing it . But you will never know if you don 't try . Basically , if you are a perfectionist , you are missing out on a lot of fun in life . Isn 't that sad ? ? ? ! ! ! ! I think so ! For example . I can 't dance . I 'm not coordinated . So I tend to avoid it . But it 's fuuuuuuun . My sister recently gave me a workout DVD that involves some Brazillion dance moves . I look ridiculous when I 'm practicing { and practicing . seriously girlfriend cannot dance } and my husband laughs at me . But I am truly having SO MUCH FUN . Who knew ? >>>>> My husband was out of town and I was home alone with 4 boys . I suddenly got the urge to write some hand - written letters to some friends . I thought of going to target for some cute stationary . I needed something to reflect my style , right ? ? ? ? ? But I realized it was not realistic to drag 4 boys into target . The old Davi would have abandoned writing letters . All or nothing , baby . I realized that was silly . I had some perfectly serviceable stationary in my drawer . I did not have a lot of time before dinner . So I quickly wrote on ugly stationary , before I lost my nerve , and sent them out . So if you got an ugly card , I 'm kinda sorry ; ) But trust me . It was actually a compliment to YOU , that I had faith you would not judge . >>>>> When I have a project that needs to get done , I give myself a set amount of time and stick to it . No more nit picking . This also means I get to bed on time because I 'm not up late working . Bonus . >>>>> Some dear friends were coming for a little visit from out of town . I was exhausted after a few days of VBS . They would be arriving at dinner time . Our budget was low and there was no time for elaborate food prep . I was getting SO excited . I LOVE hot dogs ! ! ! We cooked frozen fries , chopped some watermelon , boiled up some corn and I even had the energy to make brownies ! My house was a little messy . Of course I cleaned the boys ' bathroom , on account of the whiz . The boys and I looked disheveled . We had the BEST . NIGHT . EVER . I am a new person . He designed them all by himself . I know they are not wildly elaborate , but I was charmed by their sweetness . I love the grey tail to the right . >> We decided it was too much of an honor for this tower to reside in the family room . Wink . The honor was officially bestowed on the boys ' room , making its grand debut next to Finn 's bed . Because surprisingly , Finn has turned out to be Peach 's biggest advocate . He gets up before the sun , just to feed Peach some canned food . And then he crashes back in bed , where Peach subsequently joins him . >> Can you even spot Peach in this room , amongst all the neutral tan beige blah ? She is practically camouflaged . I 'm sleepy just looking at this photo . >> The boys room needs a whole new face look . But I have no money or time for that now . I am currently trying to save for a new couch . So . Currently reading through Psalms and Proverbs . Psalms has been amazing . David 's prayers have been directly reflecting my heart lately . And Proverbs ? Well , I need wisdom every day and so I think I will need to read a chapter of Proverbs every day for the rest of my life . I love the bejeweled tush of this unicorn . I am going to open up an etsy shop and sell these bookmarks . Ha . I mean do you think I could get 10 cents each ? I could market to 10 - year - old girls . Monday I was shopping with a young girl named Ashanti at Target . While there , we randomly met this very cute 9 or 10 year - old - girl , with strawberry blonde hair and the biggest blue eyes . She was shopping with her father , who kept holding up all these blingy items for her to wear . Where was the mother ? I have no idea . Anyway , the father disappeared and the cute girl tried to make friends with us . " Hi " she said . We then started talking nonstop about clothes and outfits and whatnot . For her back - to - school outfit , she was wearing some jeggings , wild glittery sneaker boots and this unicorn shirt : I am turning ON my comments section for a spell , and am going to see how it goes . I turned the comments off like a year or 2 ago . . . it was supposed to be for lent for 40 days . . . but I kept them off longer because it felt right . I just needed a break , to make sure my head was on straight . And to make sure that my heart was in the right place . It 's nice to mix things up a bit though . . . and I do love being able to comment on your blogs . I get all angryfists when I 'm not allowed to comment . So here I am , and I kinda feel like the awkward new kid on the block . Um , " hi , my name is Davi " . And can someone please tell me what 's up with word verification lately ? It is getting harder and harder to prove that I am NOT a robot . Like I have to enter the ridiculouslysquished letters and weird low - budget tile number sign ( what is THAT THING ? ) THREE times before it lets me comment . It 's killing me . I walked in the front door of the reading program . I was instantly greeted by the cheerful Pastor Cesar and his wife Maria , who have recently taken leadership of the reading program . Pastor Cesar is quite the character - - half the time he speaks English and half the time he speaks Spanish , while his wife translates . Seriously , he will be chattering about something in English , when all of a sudden he breaks into Spanish when he can 't find the right words to say in English . He is always laughing and joking around and is just a lot of fun to be around . I am almost always smiling when he is around ( I just used the word ' around ' 3 times in a row ) . On the other hand , he is quite serious and passionate about the reading program and demands excellence from his volunteers . Today , a family who just moved from here El Salvador , walked in the doors of the reading program - - they did not speak one word of English . Thank goodness Pastor Cesar was there . He immediately started talking to them in Spanish , and made them feel at home . He is so good at that . One of the girls from El Salvador , named Sindy , sat next to me at the table . She looked like she was in junior high . One of the translators helped her fill out some paperwork and then got her a Disney Princess book to flip through . As she sat looking at the pages of the book , she looked so sad . I cannot even begin to imagine how tough it would be , to be transported to a foreign country , without knowing the language . I was helping another kid at the table . Even though the majority of the kids are from Spanish - speaking homes , most of them can speak English fairly well . But not Sindy . She only speaks Spanish . I smiled at Sindy but had no idea what to say to her - - you see , my spanish is a bit rusty . I took a few years of Spanish in high school . . . 3 years to be exact . There was a point in time where I could speak some Spanish . Sort of . I mean , I couldn 't roll my R 's and sounded like quite the gringo . My little sister Lindsay used to practice with me for hours " rrrrrrrrruffles have rrrrrrrridges " on and on . . . but I just could not roll my R 's to save my life ! However , since I had just taken Spanish , at least some of it was still fresh in my mind . But now ? Notsomuch . Use it or lose it . I have forgotten most of my Spanish vocab , along with the verb tenses and conjugation . Man . I wish I could speak Spanish ! I looked again at Sindy and her sad face . I looked back at the other kid I was helping . I felt kind of torn . I really wanted to say something to Sindy . . . anything . But what ? For a minute , I was tempted to just go back to the kid I was helping and pretend like I was not able to help Sindy . I could have sat there in my comfort zone . And nobody would have known . I looked at her mother across the room and I looked back at Sindy , who was listlessly turning the pages of the Princess book . I wondered if she could understand anything . Was she bored ? Lonely ? I wanted so badly to make her feel loved and welcome . I felt the nudge ( most likely by the Lord ) to try to speak to her in Spanish , even if I made the biggest fool of myself . I would rather look foolish , than for this girl and her mama to walk out of the doors and think nobody cared about them . SO . Here goes . I asked Sindy , " sad to be en Los Estados Unidos ? " She kind of looked at me quizzically while Pastor Cesar walked by and quickly translated for me . " She is very sad that she is not in El Salvador " , he said . He then patted me on my back and cheered me on . " You atryin ' to speak Spanish ? " he asked happily . . . followed by " very good " . Then he said to me and Sindy . . . " you two should teach each other " . Pastor Cesar knows how to encourage . Encourage = to inspire courage . I definitely needed courage to speak Spanish . Pastor Cesar gave me just the nudge I needed . I then pointed at the Cinderella in the book and said " Cinderella " . I felt like the queen of awkward . Pastor Cesar and Sindy told me it was " Cenicienta " in Spanish . Say what ? ? Come again ? They repeated " Cenicienta " and I tried " Cececente " , mumbling incoherently . I pointed at one of Cinderella 's mice and said " mouse " and she looked at me with her eye squinting and said " mowsss ? ? ? " with the funniest look on her face . She then said " raton " . I repeated , " raton " . " Hayyyyyyer ? " she asked me in confusion . I grabbed a piece of Sindy 's brown hair and tugged it and said , " yes , hair " . She said , " Ohhhh pelo " . Finally I grabbed a piece of paper . I looked at the picture of Ariel and Eric with the fireworks and pointed to the fireworks and said " fireworks " . . . and then wrote it down for her . She then wrote for me " Fuegos Artifisiales " . Pastor Cesar told me that fuego means fire . Hey that makes sense ! Artifisiales means artificial . Fire artificial = fireworks . Not bad . We were getting somewhere . So I pointed at the " castle " and " prince " and we translated for each other by writing it on the piece of paper . We were laughing and smiling . We ended up having a great afternoon . Thank you Lord . She was learning English and I was learning Spanish . Even though I may not give much thought to random billboards on the freeway , I do think that encouragement is meant to be passed on . Pastor Cesar passed it on to me and I am excited for my next opportunity to pass it on to someone else ! But I would also wear it on a date with the hubs in a heartbeat . Actually I would wear it anywhere . Very comfortable and soft , made of a rayon / spandex blend . I am kind of obsessed with these unique Peruvian bracelets . They are made from from a family in Peru , out of antique Peruvian fabrics . You can find it on the Go Fish website as the Mollie Bracelet . No two are exactly the same ! This is one of the things I love about Go Fish - - they have authentic products . Go Fish travels to developing nations and helps the talented indigenous people groups by purchasing and selling their homemade goods . Go Fish ever so kindly let me select a product to give away to ONE OF YOU . And I picked the Peruvian bracelet of course ! Makes me so happy ! Don 't you love peaceful sleeping baby pics ? James thinks NOT . Oh amigo . Or little leprechaun . He is a boy of many nicknames . Since day ONE he has always been extremely alert . Eyes always open and looking around . But no . Someone outside made the slightest peep . AND BOOM . Back to square one . Oh my . And Savannah just smiles . Hey ! Isn 't there a movie called Savannah Smiles ? Why yes , there is . Then he 's happy as a clam . Very consolable . And very engaging . Until we try to get him back down for a picture with his sissy . No way , no how , he was not going to have any part of that . All the while , sweet little Savannah just slept the day away . I was a good sleeper , just like Savannah , when I was a baby . So I have been told . And then , Savannah finally wakes up and decides it 's time to eat . She is wisked away . As Savannah is eating , little amigo FINALLY decides to take a cat - nap . It was a conspiracy . Sweet prince , how I wish you would have napped with your sister . But auntie will take what she can get . And then he woke up 2 minutes later and screamed til the sun went down .
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Happy Thursday everyone ! Today marks day 4 of Science Geek Appreciation Week . I hope you 're having as much fun with it as I am . So far we 've been introduced to The Avery Shaw Experiment , we 've been teased about the upcoming The Libby Garrett Intervention , and we 've gotten to know a little about the author behind all the geeky goodness , Kelly Oram . Today , it 's time to get to know the stars of the Spanish Fork High science club a little better with a peek in their personal journals . If you missed any of the previous posts about The Avery Shaw Experiment or The Libby Garrett Intervention , be sure to stop by the Facebook event . Along with the posts , there are all kinds of extra bonus material , games and giveaways going on . Lots of chances to win signed books and swag , talk to the author and just have fun with other science geek loving friends . There 's a new giveaway every day . CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE PARTY ! As part of the Avery Shaw Experiment , Spanish Fork High science club president , Avery Shaw , and her new recruit , Spanish Fork High basketball star Grayson Kennedy were required to keep journals throughout their study . I happen to have a few of those journal entries , and am very excited to share them with you . Before I do , just in case you haven 't read the book yet , ( For which there is no excuse because it 's on sale for $ 0 . 99 this week . ;) ) I believe I should give you a tiny bit of insight as to what , exactly , The Avery Shaw Experiment is . But since this is the day to get to know Avery and Grayson , I 'll let them explain it in their own words . The following is a short story written as bonus material for The Avery Shaw Experiment . It is not an excerpt from the book and is spoiler free . Enjoy ! Though I am clearly past the shock , denial , and bargaining stages of grief , I have not attained guilt yet . If I had to describe myself as anything right now , I would say I 'm simply empty . Sad , hurt , and empty . What happened between Aiden and myself was tragic , but , really , it was nobody 's fault . Aiden has as much right to his feelings as I do mine . He did what he did because it 's what he needed , not because of something I 'd done . Even Grayson agrees that I did nothing wrong . He 's told me a hundred times already that I have nothing to feel guilty about . Grayson 's right . I have nothing to feel guilty about . And I don 't . Feel guilty , that is . It 's been days and still the guilt won 't come . I 'm not even sure what I 'm supposed to feel guilty about . I just know it 's the next stage in the grieving process . As part of the Avery Shaw Experiment , I have decided to try and let the stages of grief occur naturally . However , that doesn 't mean that I will sit around waiting for acceptance and a cured heart to find me . No one has ever achieved results by being stagnant . I 've decided that the best thing for me to do is that which true mourners do - try to move on with my life . I need to stop dwelling on the past . I need to accept that my relationship with Aiden will never go back to the way it was , and that my life has changed in a very permanent way . I will never be the same . I figured step one of " moving on " was to purge my life of all things Aiden Kennedy . Tonight I had Grayson come over to my house and help me remove everything that reminded me of Aiden . My theory was that if I see nothing that sparks a memory , then I would be able to think of Aiden less and it would be easier for me to forget him . This experience was much harder and more painful than I thought it would be . I never could have done it without Grayson 's support and encouragement . Crying in front of him was embarrassing , but he didn 't seem to think any less of me for it . I 'm grateful to have such an understanding partner . After it was all over - Grayson had to pry the garbage bag full of memories from my hands and drive away with it , or all of that stuff would have ended up right back in its place - I expected to feel better . I expected some sort of closure or sense of relief . Instead I looked around at all the bare walls and dust outlines on the dresser and cried even harder . The empty spots where the pictures and souvenirs once were now stand as reminders themselves - big empty voids just like the one in my heart that used to be filled with my best friend . Part of me is missing . It 's as if I am an amputee missing an arm or a leg . The spot on my wall where I used to hang a poster of Albert Einstein that Aiden had given me after I 'd dressed as the brilliant physicist for Halloween in middle school was the most obvious gaping hole . I took one look at that spot and broke down . I asked why he tacked his underwear up on my bedroom wall and he told me because now every time I looked at that spot I would think of him and laugh instead of thinking of Aiden and crying . He was right . I can 't help smiling at the ridiculous smiley faces . He also told me that they would help me have good dreams . When I asked why he said because I would dream about him being mostly naked instead of having nightmares of Aiden leaving me . I 'd freaked out so badly that he 'd had to prompt me to breathe again . I don 't know that I 'll have any dreams at night , but the daydreams are already ridiculous . I can 't stop picturing him in those shorts ! I 'm going to have to get something to replace them . Soon ! Avery is crazy . Girls are slightly insane in general , but Avery is especially nuts . She called me up tonight and asked me to help her purge Aiden from her life . I have been asked by a lot of girls to do a lot of things , but never to help them purge . Whatever she meant , I was sure it wasn 't going to be all fun dates and playing like she 'd promised me when I agreed to this whacked - out experiment . Apparently purging was smart - girl talk for throwing out your ex 's junk . I know this is like some kind of sacred ritual among chicks - they have scenes about it in movies and everything - but I don 't get what the big deal is . It 's just stupid crap . Pictures , CD 's , lame stuffed animals , and in Avery 's case , old science projects , reports , and even a Civil War diorama that she and Aidan had done in the 3rd grade . The thing was practically biodegrading and yet Aves nearly had a panic attack when I shoved the old shoebox into a garbage bag . Avery was a freaking train wreck through the whole thing . I had to do all of the actual throwing out because she wasn 't really capable of anything more than pointing at stuff and bursting into tears . She couldn 't even explain why half of that crap reminded her of Aiden . ( I 'm still at a loss with the Diana Ross CD . ) I thought her attachment to all of it was stupid , but I have to admit the concept had merit . She needed to get over my idiot brother already . The dude was not worth the emotional pain Avery was putting herself through . If I could , I 'd wipe Aiden clean from the Earth , but since murder is a felony and I 'm too hot to go to prison , purging him from Avery 's life was the next best thing . Aves may have found the evening emotionally scarring , but I thought it was mildly satisfying . Punching Aiden in the face would have been more satisfying , but there was some consolation in burning his pictures . The more stuff we got rid of , the better I felt . When I carried the garbage bag out of the house - I had to pry it from Avery 's fingers - I thought Aves would feel better too . I thought for sure there would be some kind of relief for her . I came back inside and found Avery staring at her bedroom wall like some kind of mental patient . When I walked in the room she turned to me and my heart almost broke for her . Her tears were pouring down her face again and the look in her eyes was so devastated that I felt her pain with her . In a single stride I pulled her against me and wrapped her tightly in my arms hoping that feeling her there would stop the throbbing in my chest . Crying girls have always been my biggest weakness . I pretty much hate this about myself , because it makes me vulnerable to them . But I seriously cannot stand it when girls cry . It 's like there is something in me , some kind of physical part of me that reacts when I see a girl cry . It makes me crazy and the feeling doesn 't go away until I 've made them stop . I have to make them stop . I have to do whatever it takes to put a smile on a sad girl 's face no matter what it does to my dignity . I 'm such a sucker . Tonight was no exception . Actually , it was one of my least dignified moments ever . Curse my stupid hero gene . Aves was falling apart and I had to make it better . While she buried her face in my chest , my brain spun frantically searching for some sort of solution . I wasn 't even sure what had set her off this time , but then I looked up at the wall and everything fell into place . Avery had had this lame poster on her wall of an old dude with crazy hair . I think it was Albert Einstein or someone . I 'd taken it down , but it had been in that same spot for so long that you could see the outline of it where the sun had bleached the paint around it over the years . The big empty rectangle spot was worse than the poster . It was practically jumping off the wall , mocking me in the worst way . I may as well have painted the words AIDEN LEFT YOU in the poster 's place when I took it down , because now it was obvious that it was gone . Just like Aiden was . I had to fix it . I had to get rid of that spot . But I couldn 't put the poster back . I had to put something else there . Something that wouldn 't remind her of Aiden . More than that - it had to be something that would cheer her up and put a smile on her face when she saw it . It was the " smile " thought that gave me the idea . Now , this is the part where my dignity comes into play . I was so desperate to cheer Aves up that I 'd have given her the shirt off my back if I thought it could help . Unfortunately , in this case , my shirt wouldn 't do any good . But my underwear … That 's right , I gave Avery Shaw my underpants . The stupid , dorky ones Aiden got me for Christmas a couple of years ago because he 's a tool like that , that I kept in my gym bag . They were white with rainbow smiley faces all over them . Ridiculous . But they would make Avery laugh . Before I could think better of it , I strolled into Avery 's room and tacked those dumb shorts right over that stupid poster spot . After they were securely fastened to her wall I turned around and grinned at her as big as I could . The trick was confidence . I had to act like I thought this was totally normal , and the most brilliant idea ever or Avery would know how stupid I suddenly felt and then she 'd get embarrassed . Avery looked slightly horrified and her eyes dropped to my waist . I burst into laughter and pulled up my shirt , exposing the band of the boxers I was wearing as proof that I was still dressed beneath my pants . Once she was assured that the shorts on her wall were at least clean she , of course , asked me why I 'd just decorated her room with underwear . I explained my theory of them making her laugh and think of me instead of the Einstein poster making her cry over Aiden . It worked . She looked up at my shorts and actually smiled . It was the first smile I 'd seen on her face since I 'd arrived . I felt five hundred pounds lighter all the sudden and my smile reached goofy status . Then , because I 'm a jerk and couldn 't help myself , I made a comment about her dreaming of me in nothing but those smiley faces . She totally freaked of course . I knew I shouldn 't have done it , but I love watching her blush too much . She turned so red that I was sure she had a very clear mental image stuck in her head . I waited until she started breathing again , then I kissed her bright red cheek and told her to have pleasant dreams tonight . It was classic . There is no one on the planet more adorable than Avery . To read the rest of The Avery Diaries , and find other fun bonus material visit the " extras " page on Kelly 's website . The Avery Shaw Experiment is on sale this week only for just $ 0 . 99 . I promise , it 's worth the dollar ! Amazon * iBooks * B & N * Kobo Kelly wrote her first novel at age fifteen - - a fan fiction about her favorite music group , The Backstreet Boys , for which her family and friends still tease her . She 's obsessed with reading , talks way too much , and likes to eat frosting by the spoonful . She lives outside of Phoenix , Arizona with her husband , four children , and her cat , Mr . Darcy . Connect with Kelly Newsletter Amazon Facebook Twitter Posted by * To enter contests you must be 13 years of age or older unless specified for an older entrance age . If you are under 18 , you must have parental permission to enter your information . * You may only enter the contest one time . There may be additional entries for the giveaway . But you can only enter your info one time . * No purchase is necessary to enter on this blog . * I am not responsible for any lost in the mail items . I promise that if it is coming from me , I will ship it to you in a timely manner . If it is coming from another source , I will pass on your information to them , also in a timely manner . I am not responsible for prizes that come from another source . 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If it is a comment contest , I will leave the winner in the comment or the bottom of the post . I have an affiliation with both Amazon and Book Depository . If you use the links provided you will be helping to fund the running of this blog . Any help is deeply appreciated . NO ! The opinions expressed are my thoughts and opinions . I do not expect everyone to agree with me , or like the books that I like . That is the beauty of books , there is something out there for everyone and their interests . I will be respectful of your opinion . I hope that you will be of mine . Follow on Networked Blogs 5 stars - Loved ~ Couldn 't put down4 stars - Really liked it3 stars - Good Book2 Stars - Ok book ~ not my favorite1 star - Ugh ! Not for meOccasionally I give 1 / 2 stars . They fall somewhere between the solid stars . The FTC would like you to know : I get my books from a variety of locations . I buy them , I win them in contests on Goodreads , Library Thing , or other blog giveaways . I check them out from the library . I may also get them to review from publishers or authors . I take each book , and decide if I like it , based on the book , not the location from which it is recieved . I will be honest in my reviews , and only recommend books on their quaility and content . I am not required to give a positive review in exchange for a book . I am not paid to review , I do it because I love reading . I also like to pass on good books to my friends . I love this thought from " The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society " . - " That 's what I love about reading : One tiny thing will interest you in a book , and another tiny thing will lead you onto another book , and another bit there will lead you onto a third book . It 's geometrically progressive - all with no end in sight , and for no other reason than sheer enjoyment . " I am happily married to my best friend and the mother of four children . I love to read and pass on good books to others . I have an awesome job as a lunch lady , really ~ it 's fun and the hours are perfect for me . It also pays for my hobby of being a book blogger .
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Story Time Posted on February 6 , 2012 by Pappy One of the things I enjoy doing is telling stories to Myles . Before his nap he asks me to tell him a Halloween story . He means scary . I come up with some good ones . When I 'm done I ask him if he liked it . He is honest and blunt . I like writing them at times too . Here is one for everyone . I hope you enjoy it . I wasn 't too happy about going to My Aunt Ellen and Uncle Tony 's house that day . In fact I dreaded it . Normally I 'd be thrilled going somewhere with Dad even if it meant that my whiny six year old sister Megan had to come but I knew how Mom felt about these visits to her sister 's house . There was no way out of it . A twelve year old boy could not stay home alone . I liked Aunt Ellen and Uncle Tony , even though he tried too hard to be one of the boys . It was my cousin Tom I didn 't care about . Not Tommy or even Thomas and especially not Tommy boy but Tom , plain Tom . He is twelve like me but we had nothing in common at all . I remember the day it became plain Tom . Everyone was over our house for my sister Megan 's birthday party . I spent most of the time avoiding some of her friends who would sit by me and giggle at everything I did or said . Aunt Ellen and Uncle Tony were beaming about their Tommy boy 's drawings and asked him to show some . I 've seen them before and I thought they were creepy . It was Tommy boy this and Tommy boy that until Tom said , It was not that he said it but how he said it ; in a still quiet voice with this stupid stare . Well , no one knew what to say . I think Aunt Ellen was embarrassed . She tried to ease the situation some with a hard pressed smile on her face . " Now Thomas , what has come over you ? " He stared at her for a long time and said , " Please , call me Tom . " He then turned his head slowly without his eyes leaving his mother and when his head had turned to where it faced his dad , only then did his eyes slowly turn and look at him and said , " Tom . " He did the same to me . Turning his head without losing eye contact with Uncle Tony and it wasn 't until he had turned in my direction that his eyes met mine and said softly with a slight smile , " Tom . " He got up slowly and left the room . Wow , weird wasn 't it ? Ever since then everybody said they noticed a change in Tom ; I didn 't . He was always creepy to me only now everyone else saw it . I don 't know why my dad insisted on driving over there . We lived only a short bike ride away . I had a feeling it was to make a quick getaway if they needed to because it got real strange ever since Tommy became Tom . When we arrived my aunt and uncle were outside on the porch waiting for us . We said our hellos and did our hugs , which I didn 't care for . They didn 't say anything for a moment then Uncle Tony turned and looked into the house through the front window for quite awhile and turned back to us and whispered , " I don 't want Tommy … eh Tom to hear us . Things have gotten different here lately , I mean with Tommy … Tom , I 'm sorry , I can 't get used to that stupid name . " My mom kinda smiled at Aunt Ellen trying to ease the tension . My uncle continued . " He doesn 't talk much anymore . Doesn 't participate in school or see any of his friends . He just sits in the spare room drawing . I hear him talking softly to himself in there and when I ask him about it he smiles and shrugs his shoulders and walks away . We wanted to give you a heads - up because we 're sure you 'll notice the change . Oh yeah , he 's lost some weight . " I felt my sister Megan 's hand slowly slip into mine . She looked a little scared , then we went inside that 's when I heard my Mom gasp . Jeez , Tommy … Tom looked bad . The hair on my arms rose up and I got this tight feeling in my stomach . He looked terrible . He didn 't just lose weight ; he was disappearing into his clothes , anyway that 's the way it looked . Megan was squeezing my hand so hard it was starting to hurt . I pulled my hand away and looked at her to tell her to stop but when I saw the look in her eyes I took her hand again . Tom said hello in a whispery kind of voice . I thought he was putting it on . He looked at us one at a time with eyes that seemed older than a boy of twelve . His face was very white yet dark at the same time . His lips were dry , even cracked especially when he tried to smile . The smile looked like it hurt . He slowly ran his hand through his hair gripping handfuls of it then releasing it like he was attempting to hold back thoughts . He looked intently at Megan and walked over to her . His walk was jerky , it seemed he had to force his legs to move , and he clumped his feet on the floor loudly . " Hello Megan , we 're glad you came , would like to look at my drawings ? " Megan wrapped her arms around my waist and looked at me pleadingly not to let her go . My dad was standing by a table holding pages of drawing paper and said , " Tommy boy , are these your drawings ? " Tom continued to look at Megan then faced my father in his creepy way of turning and replied , " Please , Mr . Davies , I asked to be called Tom . " Dad grinned and jokingly said , " Tom , Tommy , Tommy Tom Tom Tum , whatever , did you draw these ? " Tom clumped over to the table and snatched up the papers and grabbed the ones from My dad 's hand and shuffled off saying he was going to his room . My Dad looked at everyone rolling his eyes . After a while we all sat down to eat . All except Tom . He was still in the his room . This was not his bedroom but a spare room that my aunt and uncle used for storage and now Tom called it his room . I was feeling guilty about not playing with Tom so after we ate I decided to see what was so special about his drawings . Megan came with me because she decided not to leave my side for anything . I knocked on the door a few times but got no answer but when I started to walk away I heard Tom say , " Come in Megan . " Tom was sitting at a small wooden table in a plain wooden chair ; the kind you see at an old library . It was the only furniture in the room . The far wall opposite where he was sitting had a large window that faced him . There were some boxes stacked to my right near the door and some mops and brooms and buckets with old rags inside of them . The walls were painted two colors , yellow on the bottom separated by a wooden chair rail then white above that . The only other feature that stood out was a dark shadow in one corner . The shadow made no sense . It shouldn 't have been there ; I mean the room was well lit because of the sun shining through the window but there it was . Tom beckoned us to the table . When we stood next to him he got up and offered the chair to Megan . We began to look at the drawings . They were pencil drawings and quite good . There were pictures of trains at train stations and children playing in playgrounds . There were some of dogs playing with sticks in unknown yards with unknown children . Pictures of people waiting in lines ; lines at movie theaters and supermarkets . I looked up to ask Megan what she thought but she was standing with Tom near the window . I looked at the drawings again and I noticed something in every one . There was always a wall with a shadow in the corner . I looked at the shadows closely and it had something odd around the edges . It appeared to be long black boney fingers with long thin nails . Towards the top of the shadow there was something like long pointy teeth . One drawing made me jump because I saw a pair of large eyes . It was very faint but they were eyes . I wanted to ask Tom what the shadows meant but he was no longer in the room and neither was Megan . The door was still closed . I didn 't hear them leave . When I returned to the family room I expected to find Tom and Megan but they were not there . I looked in every room calling out for Megan but could not find them and got no response . I went outside in the yard and walked around the house several times . They were nowhere to be found . I returned to the house and told everyone about it . My dad said that they 'd show up eventually . The day ended and it was almost dark and we still could not find them . I returned to the room with a flashlight and found a small lamp on the floor next to the box of rags . I turned it on . No one was there but the shadow was . I walked to it and shined the light of my flashlight into it . It just soaked it up . The light beam didn 't penetrate it . It scared the crap out of me . I turned to leave when my heart turned stone cold . Very faintly I saw the eyes I had seen in the drawing and not only that but a smile with long pointy teeth . I ran from the room looking for anyone and everyone to witness what I 'd seen . We all entered the room . My mother and father , Aunt Ellen and Uncle Tony and together shined our lights around the room . I directed them all to the corner where the shadow was … it was gone . It 's been twenty years since that day . We never found my sister or Tom . The police were called that night and a search went on for weeks but they were gone without a trace . Aunt Ellen and Uncle Tony suffered a great deal over the disappearance of Tom and divorced some years later . Mom and Dad were at a loss too . Mom went so far as to consult psychics but that didn 't go anywhere . She stopped seeing her sister completely trying to put the blame somewhere . Dad , well let 's say he handled it his own way at the bottom of a whiskey bottle . I never stopped blaming myself for taking my eyes off Megan that day . I did the best I could to go on . Finished school and went off to college never to return home . I feel Mom and Dad blame me but the weird thing is I kind of know what happened even though the reality is hard to grasp . I was leaving a store one morning on my way to work waiting for a light to change so I could cross the street when I spotted a strange man dressed in a black raincoat in a doorway of a building across the street . He had his back to me but still something familiar struck me when he slowly turned his head in a manner that caused my bones to chill . His face was strikingly white yet dark . He looked at me and smiled sardonically and began to shuffle off clumping his feet as he walked . He approached a small woman who placed her hand in his and they both continued walking toward the doorway together . I dropped everything I was holding and ran across the street disregarding the traffic and dodging the cars that were slamming on their brakes and honking frantically . As I got to the doorway all I found was a long dark shadow . I looked into it and saw those eyes I saw years ago in the room where Tom and Megan disappeared . I also saw another set of eyes . They were sad and pleading then the shadow dissipated .
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Abubakar is a Nigerian writer and journalist . He is the author of the novel Season of Crimson Blossoms and the short story collection , The Whispering Trees . A 2013 Gabriel Garcia Marquez Fellow and 2015 Civitella Ranieri Fellow , he was shortlisted for The Caine Prize for African Writing , 2013 and won the BBC African Performance Prize , The Amatu Braide Prize for Prose . He is also listed in the Hay Festival Africa 39 list of the most promising sub - Saharan African writers under 40 . He writes for the Daily Trust newspaper in Abuja . Kenyan author , Binyavanga Wainaina brings his colourful personality to this interview held on the sidelines of the Port Harcourt Book Festival . He talks about how winning the Caine Prize has impacted on his life and writing , his thoughts on the future of books and what he considers ' evil ' in the writing business . This is vintage Binyavanga . Ah ! ( laughs ) I am still struggling to understand how that view is controversial at all . We are now in 2013 . In 2005 , I had lunch with the then New York Times editor who told me the growth rate for subscription for the newspaper had gone to zero for people under 30 . That was almost 10 years ago . So that 's why I am trying to understand why these issues are controversial because they have entered the dead centre of mainstream publishing . They are questions that people who work in policy , education have recognised so we have passed the point because it was nine or seven years ago that libraries were deciding not to order print books and changed their budgets , created reading rooms for digital applications . There is no one that 's signed up to create the processes of production for a future which includes print as a significant option . So to pretend there is a conversation is to be in those hangovers that do not make sense anymore , right ? That 's one . Two : we are Africans and one of the things that we have is a great adoption of digital technologies in many forms and for many applications , right ? We 've never seen tools so accessible that equalise the pigmy in the middle of the Congo and the man in the Banana Island , how do we imagine ourselves to be democrats or even concerned for people in the future when to get my text , I have to go through trees in Norway , through printers in London , through tax breaks , ships to get my poetry manuscript to 12 people . There is no sense in the idea at all . So my question really is : why do we insist on perpetuating this conversation ? We have been having this conversation on panels since 2000 and we all came to the same conclusion . I don 't see any conversation to be had . The technology to maintain the print books for the few people who want it exists but for the government to be planning policies around print is an enormous waste . That is the good thing . I think the biggest operation in Kenya is exams . It attracts buses , missteps , floods . You watch the news during national exams and see what 's put out . To get apps out on a mobile phone is just to click , right ? And I have 5 , 000 books on my mobile phone , all I need to do is click . So even if there are going to be leakages and corruption in the system , it will be at a much higher level of efficacy by several hundred folds already . As a starting point , it 's far beyond where we are in natural existence . It 's a very important thing for one to start to accept very quickly game changing technology , you don 't hesitate . When the railway hiccupped and coughed just one minute , within 30 years , half the world had railways . So while we are having this conversation on this continent , Korea had this conversation adopted long before everyone else . They were having novels on mobile phones by the year 2000 . There is only one simple reason books continue to remain in print in Kenya ; it 's that the school education publishers make billions of shillings and they are not wildly enthusiastic because there are feeder communities of suppliers , sycophants , ministry of education officials and so on and so forth . It 's so massive . Three months ago , one of the wealthiest and biggest educational publishers called me up and told me we are stuck , we don 't know what to do . The government has told us it 's going to be digital content for standard one kids and there are 12 months to go . We have all these people , they have retooled their infrastructure but they don 't know how to think of the digital world . They have signed up like 30 new editors because it 's been announced that if you don 't shape up , you will be like the cassette tape in the rubbish bin . The speed at which that changeover is happening over the last three years is remarkable . Between now and next year , the conversation would have drastically escalated . The musical industry has gone digital and left us behind . In 2030 there will be someone wLet 's talk about your country , Kenya , and its literary tradition . There seems to be a huge gap between generations of writers . You had the Ngugi generation and for a long time not much was heard from Kenya until you came along . What happened in between ? Okay . There was no gap . I think there was a gap of visibility because I guess Ngugi , Grace Ogot 's generation , which was in the ' 60s , by the early ' 70s there were vibrant writers who were building good reputations and were known internationally like Meja Mwangi , Charles Mamwa , John Ruganda who was Ugandan but lived and practiced in Kenya . They were very many . The tap started to run dry , I would say , in the mid ' 80s as political repression reached its pinnacle and the country became dull . There was also a big transition when the multinational publishing industry and their distribution system collapsed or gave up and said there is no future in Africa and the publishing industry became very school book oriented and independent publishing kind of died . It didn 't mean there wasn 't much writing going on but there was no structure to carry it . What this generation , which started in 2002 , had very much the fact that Kwani ? was out within the first year of our democratic elections so the amount of writing that came out after our first democratic elections transformed publishing . So there was something very political about that idea . It was just a very bad feeling of frustration that existing publishers and writers associations were bureaucratic , boring , you know , obsessed with who - is - the - treasurer kind of thinking . That was one . Two : in 2002 , the year that I won the Caine Prize , I had tried to have a meeting with a sub - editor of a subeditor of a publishing house , right ? And I came all the way to Nairobi with very little money from my home town of Nakuro for a 9am meeting and I was ringing the bell at the office and I was being told she was busy . And I couldn 't afford to stay in that hotel past six . After being in communication with someone for three months , the thing gets bankrupt . You hear of people waiting for three years before getting notification that we can 't publish your work . But you have to remember that my story that won the Caine Prize was a story published quickly on the internet , so already people were feeling the energy of speeded up structures and how you can do things well and at high quality without all these bureaucracy and files and forms and so on . But also watching the music industry , there were people releasing albums , kids , 17 years old , and you are sitting here complaining that no one is doing anything for you . The refrain that says the problem in Nigeria is that writers are not being published , I say two things to the idea : I would say to make indigenous publishing work was a great act of the ' 60s . It was necessary to create an instant body of work so that people don 't continue consuming all that white stuff , right ? And so there were subsidies , loans , grants and many , many things to get books to people . But somewhere inside there came the idea of an entitlement to be published . Which , when you look at the moral question about it , of course we want our countries flooded with books and ideas , who can debate that ? You can 't have any meaningful country without such an idea but the history of publishing has its own specificity . Publishers are people who love books , sometimes they are even writers themselves who go and take money without even thinking they are going to make profit and surprise themselves that they do . So the assumption that those infrastructures are just there to serve you don 't make sense . But in the last 10 years , what Kwani ? Saraba and other people have shown is that you don 't have to wait for oga . There is no oga to wait for . That a small group of enterprising and dynamic people can set up their own publishing house and distribute and sell makes meaning . If there are 500 small publishing houses producing 12 books a year all over Nigeria , then you are in a position to start saying literature is booming . Kind of , you know . There is no simple answer to the question . It would have been nice if I had a ready novel manuscript when I won the Caine Prize . I had one , had a publishing contract with a South African publisher called Kwela on a sort of funny novel , and I was so excited that it was going to be published . But the moment the Caine Prize thing came , my impatience with the quality of writing had climbed quite a lot and I was really eager to experiment a lot more , stretch my stuff a lot more and so on and so forth . But of course that process of institution building was thrilling and consuming so the Kwani ? thing took four years of my life to make . Not much writing happened in that period . There were lots of editing , a lot of structure building , drama , running around chasing invoices , learning how a printer works and so on . It had to be done now - now - now . I have no regrets about it . But more than anything else , it was really important for me to find a strong voice and style that I felt fully comfortable with , like a more versatile way to carry words . That was very important to me and it took me a long time to find what platform I felt could carry that book . Yes and no . I think it was hard to feel confident . . . this is the best way to put it , when Tiger Woods changed his swing , you see what I am saying ? There is this way you are making sentences up to that point of 2002 and 2003 and had a kind of big aesthetic feeling of impatience that my sentences and phrases are not carrying fully what I want them to carry . I knew what I wanted to do in my head , but to get confidence in the practice of all these change words meant I had to get into the habit of writing like that . So basically I had to rebuild a style like you had to rebuild the swing but of course now when you are rebuilding the swing and you hit the ball , it goes wayward , you know . That 's really how it was . Now it 's a style that I am very comfortable in and I feel it can stretch and do a lot of things Now what I don 't know is amending the style enough for the novel I am working on , the hangover becomes . . . I have been thinking too much of myself as a character and so rendering other characters now , they end up having too much of my own voice . That 's Binya 's problem now . It 's very frustrating but I love doing it . No , oh God ! No . I want to have a full workable draft by mid next year and these last few months it 's been moving really well and so I am quite happy with it . What I have discovered is that my writing cycles last around 10 years . What I am working on now is the frame of the language I am going to be using and sort of the approaches , maybe I will use the first person or the third person for the next 10 years , and be less involved in dramatic institutions or Bard or whatever . Embed myself at home rather than be schizophrenic , half here and half there . So I want to kind of write from within the continent for that period of 10 years . The moment someone paid me 240 rands . I was so afraid of risking and failing at writing that I had to be forced . So when I had no money and suddenly I had an opportunity of making money for eating and living , and I had no visa and nothing and I was living in South Africa and when the world did not fall apart when I wrote something that wasn 't good , writing became easier to do but I knew that the best job in the world is a writer as early as when I was seven . Don 't be a fucking victim . The continent is for you to make . That whole thing of the publishers don 't , I don 't . . . can you link me up with publishers abroad ? And I am like , tell me the name of one publisher abroad . You can 't be living in the age of Google and cheap internet where you can find out the resources available to you as a young African writer through the social network and other avenues , waiting for your father to make the policy or arrangements for you is immoral . In fact it is evil . It 's your job to make it . That hustle must stop . You can 't say I am upset because Cassava Republic or Farafina rejected my manuscript . Get four , five friends and set up one . You have 150m people , you need another 50 publishers before you can say you are anywhere . How has life been ? It 's been a lot easier to convince other people that writing is a serious business and that 's what winning a big prize always does . Suddenly people who help baby sit your kids so you can go and gallivant round the world and do things start taking you seriously . It 's been such a great honour to be recognised in my country . Of everything I would want to win , the NLNG was top of the list simply because it is something from Nigeria . It 's been nice coming back to Nigeria as a writer some people have heard of . So it 's been a wonderful experience . Another thing on my literary bucket list is a writers ' centre and that requires a lot of money . I was in Nigeria in July because Governor [ Peter ] Obi [ Anambra State ] promised us some land for the project . There was a mix up with the initial land we got there but it 's being rectified now . The initial land we got was designated for a government project and that project is not a government project . What else have we done since then ? We have registered the trust . It 's called the Awele Creative Trust ( ACT ) Awele in Igbo means not just a journey but a safe journey , a good journey , wonderful journey , which is what I wish for the writers who come to inhabit that space and wish them the best in their writing journey . I have spoken to at least one foreign residency and they are very willing to collaborate with us but I need the money . So next year , I am hoping we would be able to have a fund raising event somewhere in Nigeria that will bring enough people , individuals , corporate organisations who will invest in this . I have gained a lot from residencies abroad , other people 's country . Apart from Ebedi , we don 't have any such thing for writers in Nigeria . If I could get this done , to give back , it 's the biggest thing on my literary bucket list that I could hope to achieve . And that 's another way my life has changed since the NLNG . Before the prize , it was just an idea but what the NLNG has given me is the contact I wish to tap into . I think prizes give you a certain credibility or validation with certain people so if I go to some organisation and say I am trying to set up a writers ' centre , I have some credibility because it is on my CV that I have won this . What I envisage is to have Nigerian writers , established writers , or establishing writers , ideally . I would like to have an established writer from one of the residencies I am talking to , because I think that interaction is important . Then you have other writers , established and establishing from Nigeria and from abroad . So apart from giving them space to work on their writing , I would want the immediate community to get something from them as well , maybe workshops in schools . I want it to be an interactive residency . They are writing and giving back . But everything depends on funding . If I get enough funding to start it off and run it for some five years and the reputation would help it run itself , then it is all good . But I don 't want to start something that will fall apart . I have very good people who are enthusiastic about the project on the board . I have a very good friend of mine who is into project management , Kainenedi Obi . And I have Prof . Akachi Ezeigbo , I have Prof . Femi Osofisan and I have a very good friend of mine who is a business man , Nnaetu Orazulike so I have a very good mix . And these people , if they are not practitioners of literature , they are very enthusiastic about literature and creativity because it is not just about literature . The trust is called Awele Creative Trust and some of the residencies I go to abroad , it 's not just about writers , you have other artistes such as musicians or painters . When we start , we are going to start with writing because it is good to start from some point and grow from there . Ideally , we would like to expand . I have lots of plans for it but first things first , we get the land then we look for funding . Nigerians are very generous so hopefully . . . Insha Allah . If we get the funds . I can 't afford to build it on my own . You are also setting up a structure and you need manpower to run it and in Nigeria if you set it up , you need a working generator to keep it running , you need a gateman for very obvious reasons ( laughs ) . You can 't keep writers where they will not be comfortable . I love shoes . Some people have a thing for makeup , some have a thing for hair extension . I am a shoe person , I like footwear a lot . Mhmm . I am not too much into jewellery unless it 's an African thing . But shoes , yeah . Night Dancer is about the relationship between mother and daughter , a single mother and her daughter , how the daughter begins to understand the mother only when she dies , how she understands the extent to which the mother had sacrificed for her only after the mother dies and she reads the memoir the mother has left her . Some of the strongest women I know are single parents and in our society , single mothers have it very tough especially single mothers that are not widows , like single mothers that are divorced or whose partners are somewhere . I know a few of these women and I know the extent to which they sacrifice for their children . But I think it is the nature of kids to take it for granted that their parents would sacrifice for them not realising that some of the parents go over and beyond . . . well , I don 't know if you can go over and beyond the call of parenthood . Anyway that is what the novel is about and I think single parents are the unsung heroes of Nigeria especially single mothers who choose to walk out on the relationship . I have heard people say it is better to be married to a bad man than not to be married at all . I am so scared about how society is very judgemental . I think marriages are good . It 's a good thing if it works . If it doesn 't work I don 't see why it shouldn 't end . It 's supposed to be about two people loving and respecting one another . As long as the love is in there and the respect is there . but if you have a man who comes home and beats his wife , or a woman who beats her husband , because some women do that , if you can 't have a conversation with your partner without biting off each other 's head , that kind of relationship is not healthy emotionally . When you are abusing each other physically and emotionally then I think it is better that you part ways . I think marriage is good but marriage is not for everyone . I don 't think one has to remain married under any circumstance , especially when there are children involved because it is doing a lot of harm to the children who are witnesses to a dysfunctional relationship . I have been married for 18 years so you won 't hear me say marriage is not good . Just from my interaction with young people who want to be writers , what I noticed is that they really want to read . Here are people eager to read books and unless they buy them they have no access to them . I haven 't been all over Nigeria but I am yet to find a well stocked public library in the places I have been to in Nigeria . In Awka they are building a library and hopefully when it 's finished I hope it will be well stocked . You can 't grow writers unless they have access to good books . I saw some universities have book stands at the book fair but the books on display there , if that is representative of the books they have on their shelves , then I really despair . There is a huge problem . Where I lived in Belguim , in Turnhout , it is a small city but the library was well stocked . It was where I saw [ Buchi ] Emecheta 's book in English and in Dutch . So if little cities elsewhere in the world can do it , why can 't we do it in Nigeria ? There is nothing stopping the Nigerian government or the education ministry from making well stocked libraries a priority . And it shows that we don 't read enough . You pick up a Nigerian newspaper and nine out of 11 articles are poorly written you wonder if this people went to school at all . And it 's not just poor grammar , it 's poor construction , using words wrongly and this is totally inexcusable . But these things need money . I don 't see how a writer who is struggling will do this . People are saying writers shouldn 't write for money , so if they don 't write for money how are they going to build structures . It is not a writer 's duty to build libraries same as it is not a doctor 's duty to build hospitals where people can come and get free treatment . It is not the car owners ' duty to make sure roads are tarred . There are things that are the government 's duty that 's why people pay taxes . There are things the government should provide . It may not be a basic amenity like power and the likes , but reading is very , very important . It 's just that in Nigeria things are so dysfunctional that we end up doing things ourselves . There is no power so you buy a private generator ; the roads are bad so you tar the road in front of your house , the universities are bad so people build private universities and people with money send their children there . We are not holding the government to task for things they are supposed to do and we are doing them for ourselves so that when one governor tars a road people will start praising him . That person hasn 't read enough . Writers have always been holding up the mirror . If you read any book coming out of Nigeria , the theme might not be bad government but it will always feature there . Look at Igoni [ Barret 's ] short story collection . He doesn 't say I am going to write about corruption in the civil service but you see it . That person hasn 't read enough or is ignorant . People say if you want to know about a country , read their writers . Just pick up any contemporary Nigerian literature and you see all this social issues . Look at The Spider King 's Daughter , it 's a love story but you have all these issues in it . I try to make out time because that sort of encouragement was important to me while I was starting off . So while waiting to build the residency , which requires money , this is something I can do on my own and all it requires is time and patience so why not ? Depending on how much time I have and how good the story is I can 't always be as detailed as I would want to . There are people that I simply can 't help and those that I can , I do what I can . I see writers as a kindred community and it is important that we encourage each other , especially young writers who have no idea where to go to or who to turn to . Most people who write to you are people who are genuinely interested in writing . But like in every profession , some are good and some are not . Some require more than mentoring and a few require mentoring and that is what I try to do . I don 't think there are too many writers , I don 't know where the impression is coming from , I don 't know if the impression is coming because there are so many self published books , or self printed works not even self published . When I am talking about writers , I am not talking about people who have gone and printed 20 copies of their works . When we are talking about people who are real , real writers , there aren 't many of them . I don 't think we should be afraid of being overrun by writers because that isn 't going to happen . Even if there is one writer for every two people in Nigeria , it wouldn 't matter because people have different tastes . It will always have relevance . This is not the first time that someone would say the book is going out of fashion . The book will still be relevant for many , many years to come . There is something about holding a book in your hand that you can 't get from holding a kindle so if a 12 year old will tell me he doesn 't want a kindle and prefers a book , then it means the book is alive and well . Even in schools that are technologically advanced , they still ask children to read books . The e - book is going to be out of reach of many people . I just think there is something about the book , it 's not just about the printed words , it 's just what it is and it will be a very long time before we start thinking of the book as something we can scroll through on the e - reader rather than physically turning the pages . There is no reason why both books can 't coexist . We have had the audio book for long and all you have to do is to play it and lie down and listen and that hasn 't pushed traditional book out . For two weeks I watch the widow toil , trying to pick up the pieces of her life that would forever be incomplete , struggling to put food on the table and clothe her orphans . I have come to know her routine from sunrise to moonrise . She would wake up in the morning , have her bath , make breakfast , wash her children and dress them for school and then she would go to the school where she teaches and is paid peanuts at the end of the month . But for two weeks that is all I could do - hide in the shadows and watch her , rummage through her garbage to find out exactly what she eats , what she uses and the drugs she takes for her ulcer . Several times I have sneaked into her house and seen precisely how she lives ; like the struggling widow that she is . For two long weeks I stalk this poor , defenceless woman but could not find the courage to walk up to her and just … talk . How different things are now . Back then , in those days , all I would need was a minute to make the widow cease to exist . Now I am haunted in my sleep by the faces and death cries of the men I have slain in the name of doing my duty ; protecting a self - serving dictatorship , silencing those that dared to have a contrary opinion , those who wanted change . In my wakefulness , I am troubled by thoughts of the families these unsung heroes have left behind . That was why I sought out this widow ; because I knew her husband , because I knew exactly what happened to him on that night , because I think my atonement should start with her - perhaps then I will find the elusive peace to raise my own children , my family that cannot live with the penitent grouch I have become because they do not understand . I have no hope of making heaven and I feel as if the angels eye me with disapproval . I could almost feel their icy glare lashing me . But how does one approach a woman like that and say , ' Madame , I knew your husband . I have read his file . I also know what happened to him that night , the night of the accident . Well , it wasn 't an accident really because I was there . I was driving behind him in my big , black , monstrous jeep . I stalked him , just as I have been stalking you these couple of weeks and when I had him on the lonesome road ; I ran his car off the road , into the old , tin mining pit . I came out of the jeep and lit a cigarette while I watched the cold , murky waters close him in . I smoked and waited just long enough to make sure that he would never come up alive . And then I drove away , playing Brian Adam 's Summer of ' 69 , feeling like one who had just fallen in love . The next morning , I felt so proud when my boss , the colonel , said , ' Excellent piece of work , soldier , you deserve a commendation .
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Name : Kitten 20 something sassy broad with a huge mouth and plenty to say . Born in the midwest and desparately trying to make that interesting . Surrounded by lovely friends , a good man and wood paneling . Also , something really weird just happened . I think a crackhead just came to our office door telling us he had some boxes to deliver , could he borrow our cart . He wouldn 't tell us what company he was with and he kept looking around wildly . We said sure , but followed him up the elevator with it . He 's like , " You going to follow me ? Just wait here and I 'll go get them without the cart . " Then he disappeared after we started following him . So the theme for today is : It looks like a corn dog , doesn 't it ? This little heart attack on a stick is dipped in dough and deep fried for a couple minutes then sprinkled with powdered sugar . This one was a Snickers , but they had others . I took a bite and it was delicious , but man oh man . She said , " Sure you wouldn 't want a digital satelitte or cell phone today with your purchase ? " What I should have said , " Wow , you know what lady , now that you mention it , go ahead and tack on a $ 300 satellite and sign me up for 2 years of service with a shitty cell phone company ! I thought I just needed a head cleaner for the VCR , but you 've shown me the error of my ways ! Thank you for being such a commission whore that you push huge purchases on people with every ding of the cash register and waste my time when I 'm really wanting to move along . " It 's late and I can 't sleep . I have a load of things on my mind that I just decided to blog . And yea , I realize a lot of people read this , but it 's not only a site for me to try to be entertaining , it 's also a journal of sorts so here goes . I realized a couple things tonight . For instance , I opened a journal I keep that mostly gets used when I 'm really upset , pissed off or especially happy . So basically whenever I feel something extremely , well extreme . I started to list a few things that had been going on and it was the first time I was able to write something totally positive about my sister . I read entries from Christmas when my mom had to put away her unopened gifts because we didn 't know where she was and it was depressing her . When she had left Wisconsin to live in her boyfriend 's van . When she came to stay with us for a week and it was one of the most emotionally draining weeks of my life . I guess I realized how much it hurt . Even my handwriting was different from now . One line struck me too . I wrote something like " I don 't think she will ever make it out of this alive . " So I 'm going to just be thankful , yea maybe a little skeptical because that 's just me , but mostly thankful . My Grams went to visit her this last weekend and said she radiated a happiness that she had never seen from her before . She was mad because she got a 99 . 6 % on a test instead of 100 % . That they might make her validictorian and give her an internship to work with other people after she gets out because she was such an influence on them there . You have to understand , my sister hasn 't had long term goals in years . So this makes me happy and it makes my family especially happy . My dad called to tell me he 'd talked to her and he sounded so relaxed . Even when he was talking about other problems , he was laughing them off . And one of the things I treasure is my dad making a joke and laughing the way he does . I couldn 't ask for anything better . So yea , she 's a Christian now , and maybe more than I can handle at times , but I 'll accept it like I accepted her addiction . For some reason , her addiction was easier . I guess when you are negative about something for so long and get your hopes up and let down , it 's hard not to be cynical . Besides pessimistic people live shorter lives than Geez , after 10 : 30 I get so emotional . I do my best thinking late at night . I gotta find a job that starts at noon and lasts until 5 p . m . but still pays my bills . Well , I think I 'm officially tired so I 'll sign off . Just needed to vent and burn my retinas a little with the screen . I 'll get back to posting links tomorrow . Actually I have an article from the new Playboy I want to post . It 's on drinks that are down right vicious . ( Here 's a hint : Cement Mixer : Shot of Bailey 's , hold in your mouth , then do a shot of lime juice and swish around ) So chow lovelies ! I posted a pic of our costumes here . I had so much fun creating that and then wearing it out ! I think I 'm going to make a costume every year . Well well well . . . we meet again . Darn if this daylight savings time hasn 't got me all screwed up . It felt like I got to sleep in but then i was starving at 11 a . m . Now it 's only 10 : 30 and I 'm pooped royally . You get used to it and " they " yank that extra hour away again in April . I 'm in a much better mood so I thought I 'd jot a few things down before bed . We just watched a really messed up documentary called " Driver 23 " on a guy in Minnesota trying to start a metal band called " Double Dark Horse . " Holy crap it was awesome . The guy is on Zoloft and has a wife that dresses up as a clown . Need I say more ? Other news . . . . not going on vacation this week . theMan wasn 't into it and I 'm sorta not in the mood , so we 're sticking close to home . It 's our 5th anniversary and Halloween , surely we can find something creative to do . My sister has wrote me a couple times talking about " the word " and " god bless . " Which is fine and dandy but it 's sorta wierded me out . She was always the one that was sorta level headed about religion . She told the family " NO ! " when we were 8 and the Mormons moved in on us , but not me . I wonder what she 'll be like when we go visit . I haven 't been writing her as much as I should . Although I did send her some bathroom essentials last week . I figure I 'll send her a few pics from the party . Not sure if the nun - nazi 's will let it in . I guess I shouldn 't call them that . My parents are really excited and I can 't blame them . I 'll take religious zealot over junkie anyday . It 's just going to be strange . She did say this church she goes too reminds her of the one in " Blues Brothers " movie . That 's kinda fun . I think my sister , the real her , is one of the coolest people I know but I 'm not sure how religion will fit into that . Geez , Mistress , you have a mental breakdown when she was living on the streets , and now that she 's clean , you can 't accept it . Plus I 'm now speaking in third person . . . . . I better sign off . I added some pix from the party here for your viewing pleasure . There are some that probably need more explaining , but hey , you should have been there . I forgot to post one of theMan & our costume , so maybe later . I had such a blast ! For those of you who read this who were involved , thanx for an AWESOME time ! Only a few more months until December when we shall combine our powers again for an excellent evening of debauchery . I cannot WAIT to get out of here today and get this weekend started ! Weeeeee ! Just found out I only have to work on Sunday too ( which doesn 't sound good , but it is ) So I 'm stoked ! I 've given my liver the proper pep talk it needs to get through the enormous amounts of alki - juice I will be consuming on Saturday and it sounds up to the challenge . What 's with the war coverage ? Got this link from the Daily Dirt but had to pass it on . It 's true , we don 't hear about war casualties . I can imagine why there were more people protesting the war in Vietnam , than this war . We only hear about who Kobe Bryant is raping and whatever other media scapegoat can keep our dull minds interested between episodes of reality shows and eating fast food . . . . . . sorry , I digress . Last night was the last time I 'm looking through the links on Matt 's website before bed . I dreamt I was taking pictures of Trent Reznor , the guy from the movie " Delicatessan " and a bunch of vinyl cloaked goth chicks while backstage at a NIN concert . What the frank n ' beans was that all about ? Did you know it 's suppose to flurry next week ? Geez . I 'm not ready for snow just yet . I hope it at least waits until after Halloween . I have too much fun planned over the next 2 weeks . Plus Rodney 's costume is going to make him quite chilly this weekend if it snows ( check back Monday for pictures to see what I mean ) . October 28 , mark your calendars . Chris Cunningham has a DVD of his music videos coming out . It 's worth it just for the Aphex Twin " Windowlicker " video ( bad ) in full form . posted by Kitten at 7 : 25 : 00 PM Good news today ! A pal of mine had her baby yesterday , a little boy ! I didn 't get to see her pregnant , and I 'm bummed but thank goodness for e - mail because we got to keep in touch at least ! Congrats Deb & Tom ! My birthday , 1920 - Women throughout the United States rejoiced , as the 19th Amendment to the U . S . Constitution was ratified . It gave women the right to vote . Born on my birthday 1774 - Meriwether Lewis ( explorer : team : Lewis and Clark ; died of gunshot wounds Oct 11 , 1809 ) ( But eerily enough , I 'm actually related to Clark . ) I keep seeing people 's blogs that have what they are currently reading , listening to , working on , etc . So hey , I thought I 'd share . Plus , my mom is now checking this blog and she likes to know this kind of stuff . If you don 't really care , just skip it . Last night we went and got more stuff for our costumes . I decided to get wings , just because how often can you wear wings with anything ? theMan got his outfit too and I 'm sure once I post the pics it will give you a laugh . It certainly made us lose it in Target . I 'm having a hard time concentrating at work this week . I woke up this morning thinking it was Saturday already . After last weekends great times plus now I can 't WAIT to party and see the Lombards again this weekend ! October kicks ass ! I 've posted some pix from my weekend trip for your viewing enjoyment . The first one is to show you how rednecks like to decorate their yard . I can 't imagine what the price tag was for that boot made of concrete , but I imagine it 's close to priceless . The next one is a pic of us girls with the " psychic " lady . We kept calling her Ms . Cleo , but her real name was Ava Chu . The third one is actually a doghouse . Heather 's dad made it . It has a radio , a / c and a TV . Those dogs live better than me . And finally , a guy was giving people the chance to have their picture taken with a snake for a $ 1 . See how entertaining Indiana can be ? My pal Jennifer found this site and looks like acording to this Moon phases website , I was born on a full moon ! You can check here too . I was married on almost a full moon too . Hmm . . . . so we 'll see if that pyschic lady was right about the rest of that stuff . I don 't really believe in pyschics , I mostly just believe people have intutition they are more in tune with . I mean , if there were really psychics , especially on those 900 # lines , they 'd know who it was before you called , right ? Awesome awesome weekend . . . . . . good laughs , good friends and good deals ! Outlet shopping is a new pasttime for me . I never knew such things existed . Also went to the Covered Bridge Festival in Indiana . It was a redneck parade but I got some good deals there too . Mostly the food . Once I get Jennifer 's pictures , I 'll post a pic of a deep fried candy bar ( a . k . a . heart attack on a stick ) . I love those girls . I always come out of those GWO with new sex tips , fashion tips or just general peacefulness from their presence . A weird thing happened at the Bridge Festival . This lady pulled us aside and sorta gave us a psychic reading . She was selling necklaces that show the moon on the day you were born . Guess what ? I was born on a full moon according to her charts ! How cool is that ! She said full moon people were assertive . Hmm . . . But I digress . The psychic reading was kinda weird . The only information she knew about us was that 3 of us was married and we didn 't have children . She looked at the two who are trying ( which she didn 't know ) and said , " you 'll have a boy and you 'll have a girl . " Then looked at me and said , " You are going to wait awhile . " She didn 't say anything about the other girl . Later she told Heather she 'd have a serious relationship by Valentine 's day ( Heather is currently single ) . So yea , it was sorta broad , but it was neat to say the least . For GWO , I took a couple vacation days and I guess Friday when my office was having a birthday cake for my boss , they asked where I was . theMan told them I was off to see this guy I met over the internet . That he let me go because the guy seemed nice . Well he was obviously kidding , but 2 - 3 people didn 't think it was a joke . They are out right ignoring me today or giving me looks . One even asked theMan how he was holding up ! Lord , people are idiots . theMan gave me a few good links for you all , but this is the only one I can remember right now . Check out this site for a laugh . George Carlin ( possibly bad ) is soo soo funny . TAMPA , Fla . - - A 6 - year - old Florida boy who is paralyzed on his left side is recovering after a puppy chewed off four of his fingers because he couldn 't feel what the animal was doing . Silly Germans . BERLIN - - A German man won 't be prosecuted for teaching his dog to do the Nazi salute . But he does face other charges . Police say the man taught his dog to raise its right paw , after the owner said " Heil Hitler . " posted by Kitten at 9 : 45 : 00 AM I even had a chance to play with Panther for mi Macintosh . Pretty snazzy . After it was installed , I got to play with Photoshop again too . So I made me a little pic of my eyes for my blog to make it a little more personal ( plus I ran out of spooky gifs from other sites . ) You can see that to your left there . Well , I 'm off . Enough technology for me for one night . Last night Jen k . met Michael Moore ! How cool is that ! ? He was at a lecture in Evanston . I guess he was really awesome which would seem right . Good job Jen ! One more full day until I leave for GWO ( Girl 's Weekend Out ) ! Whoo whooo ! I 'm pretty sure this day is going to go sssssssssllllllllllllllooooooooooowwwwwwwwwww . Gotta finish up a few things tonight ( burn a hot tub mix tape , wash clothes , finish Erica 's DVD , load car ) and then I 'm hitting the road tomorrow . This starts off a 3 week stint of good times ! Yee haw ! Well , that 's it for now . I 'm just excited and don 't want to work . Maybe I 'll have news / links later . I just used the iTunes online music store and it 's fun ! ! Where can you get Marvin Gaye 's " Let 's Get It On " and Rick Springfield 's " Jessie 's Girl " for $ 0 . 99 ? ? ? . . . . well , okay there are other places , but hey , don 't poop on my parade . I 'm new here . You can make a serious sex discs on this site and it 's legal . Hmm . . . what are your top 10 sex songs ? Currently in rotation I 'd say ( depending on mood of course ) : 1 . ) Marvin Gaye 's " Let 's Get it On " or " Sexual Healing " : Obvious , I know , but come on . The first 3 beats of " Let 's Get it On " makes you want to screw real slow and real long . 10 . ) Tie between " Massive Attack " and " Portishead " - any album : I can 't make up my mind and I 'm tired . So there . One of the new passions of my life , is thinking up drag queen names with my co - worker . Now it 's not like porn names where you take your middle name and the street you lived on as a child . ( Mine is " DuShawn Chestnut , " which sorta works . ) No , drag queen names take a little more creativity . This Halloween I 'm using one of the classics " Sheilita Buffett " as my name . My co - worker 's stage name is " Augusta Wind . " You see the humor , yes ? Michael Moore will be at Borders today , but I probably can 't go . Gosh darn work . Plus we forgot the camera so we couldn 't immortalize him in our photo files anyways . Sad . Oh well ! I 'll still buy the book regardless . Dang , I 'm hungover today . If you live in Chicago , go to Trader Tod 's off Belmont on Mondays . Ask them if it 's industry night and if they ask you if you are in the industry , say yes . Everything on the menu is half off ! I had a vanilla rum and coke and a Mai Tai and only paid $ 8 total ( that 's cheap for Chicago , trust me ) . I hear good things about the Voodoo Chicken too , but I already ate when we went , so I 'm lame . It 's ran by the guy who played Oghr in " Revenge of the Nerds . " Good stuff . My co - worker saw Cher 's farewell tour last night at AllState Arena in Chicago . Yea , I know what you are thinking and you are probably right . From the guy going to the Cher concert , I did learn that you should never see a show at Allstate Arena because it 's turned into a piece of shit . So hey , thanks Cher ! Jen K . is starting a campaign for the second year in a row at Columbia College that basically says " Fuck Columbus Day " . I share that sentiment . She even has shirts and posters with the slogan . Freedom of speech is fun ! Good weekend , how was yours ? We watched 2 films that you should probably check out . The first one was the Trials of Henry Kissinger . If this doesn 't piss you off , I don 't know what will . I finally received my copy of Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman in the mail after ordering it from Amazon . The lady sent me this letter begging me not to give her negative feedback because she had personal problems , etc . In all my uses of half . com , I 've only had one bad transaction and that was that they waited a week to tell me they didn 't really have the order and didn 't charge me . But the first time I use Amazon , I have to wait almost a month for my purchase to come in . Hmmm . It was worth the wait though . You can tell it 's a made for TV series , but the interview with Neil and the fact that it matches the book pretty darn close , makes it worth it . I didn 't realize Neil wrote the series before the book . I like the book better , but it 's still good to see it at least once if you are a Neil fan . I looked out the window today , and there was a one eyed cat looking at me . theMan tried to get it on video , but no luck . Other than freak cats and DVD 's , I worked and got some stuff accomplished around the house . The next 3 weekends are going to kick ass . GWO , Halloween party then vacation . . . . weeeee ! It 's gorgeous outside and orange . I dig it ! In a study of over 15 , 000 women suspected of having performed regular fellatio over the past ten years , the researchers found that those actually having performed the act regularly , one to two times a week , had a lower occurance of breast cancer than those who had not . There was no increased risk , however , for those who did not regularly perform . " I think it removes the last shade of doubt that fellatio is actually a healthy act , " said Dr . B . J . Sooner of Johns Hopkins School of Medicine , who was not involved in the research . " I am surprised by these findings , but am also excited that the researchers may have discovered a relatively easy way to lower the occurance of breast cancer in women . " posted by Kitten at 1 : 51 : 00 PM I watched an awesome movie again last night . A " Streetcar Named Desire " with Marlon Brando and Vivien Leigh . One of the few movies in the world that do the play justice on the big screen . And Marlon Brando , yum . Turner Movie Classics channel doesn 't mar their showings with commercials either . Good stuff . Finally decided on a mini - vacation . We 're going to the Dells ! Ripley 's museum , alligators , go - karts , and even a moderately priced motel . Woo hoo ! I gotta get some info from Jen K . & Lance on the place , oh , and get an anniversary gift . . . . . . . . dang , nothing like last minute ! Something fun to do is look up personal ads in your town . You can find out who 's gay , single or married but looking . You can also find some serious freak - a - zoids to entertain you . I miss my friends who don 't live in Chicago , so to get more people to move here I 've posted this income estimator so you 'd know how much you have to make to move to Chicago . Wee ! Do you need boxes to start packing ? Finally saw the Rob Zombie " Cribs " episode on MTV the other night . His house kicks ass . He has a pirate bar with skulls and a pirate statue . A vault full of horror movies , posters everywhere with all kinds of memorabilia . We gotta buy a house . I 'm trying to book a small vacation for Halloween but I 'm having no luck . So far I can 't find a haunted castle you can rent for a weekend in Illinois that is also close to a town full of antique stores with scary old people running them , good restaurants and a freak show , all for under $ 200 ? ? ? ? Did find a good site I hadn 't heard of for vacation planning called Site59 , thanks to Heather . Hey ! Guess what ? Michael Moore will be in Chicago at Border 's on 150 North State Street signing his new book , " Dude , Where 's My Country ? " on Tuesday , October 14th at 12 : 00 p . m . Bring your sharpie ! Revisited a great site today , Camel Toe . org ( bad ) . Makes me giggle . The toe definitely has a power to it . You don 't want to look , but you can 't stop . Also , if you are close to Chicago and into " darker " art , then you should definitely come to Echo Gallery on Halloween for their yearly Halloween exhibition . The fabulous Matt Lombard will be there with his kick ass photography on display and with the lovely Aimee as his escort . Plus the costumes and people are not to be missed . This will be our third year ( I think ? ? ) and I can 't wait . So far nothing but love for our new camera . There is an awesome feature called " spot focusing " and " spot metering " where you can just touch the LCD where you want the camera to focus or meter for light , and it does it automatically . It 's a nice feeling when something is actually worth the money you put down for it . Still debating about going to see my sister next weekend . I miss her , but well you know . It 's a 8 hour trip in one day and I 'd probably have to go alone . Darn it . I 've got people closest to me pulling me in both directions . I agree with both sides , I just don 't know the right thing to do . Or at least the decision that won 't make me feel bad . I woke up thinking about it . Oh well . Maybe a few more posts unloading on you all will help . After all night of playing with the new toy and burning DVDs , we 're not ready to go back to work tomorrow . I 'm sure others will agree . I mean , who wants to work ! It was soo purty here today , all blue skies and not freezing temperatures . Hopefully it was like that in Indiana for Erica and her pond installation . And hopefully Jennifer M . is having a relaxing day , recooping from her surgery . . . . . I miss my pals . We 've figured out why having the free software that comes with Macs is kinda cool . Yea , Macs don 't come with any real word processing software ( which sucks ) , but iPhoto , iDVD and iTunes are pretty cool in their own right . I have a feeling we 'll be getting Final Cut Pro someday , but for now these will do . theMan has offered to let me put pix and movies up on his site to link to so I don 't have to use Yahoo ! Photos anymore , so hopefully that will happen soon . We used the new camera as a cam for chatting and it works good . So maybe I can figure that out one day too . I realized this weekend that I 'm a laptop girl . I never thought I would be , but I love my old powerbook , not enough not to trade her in immediately when I can afford the new 15 " ones , but I love her nonetheless . I don 't think I 'll go back to a desktop computer any time soon . I don 't really enjoy working in Photoshop on my laptop , but the Wacom pad and pen help a little . Plus , I 'm not kidding myself , I do that maybe once a month if that . In the movie , Lost in Translation , the main character said , " I went through my photography phase , like every girl does . " I suppose it hit home . I haven 't taken pictures in awhile . I LOVE taking pictures , and I get ideas and write them down , and I love that rush I get when I get pics developed , but I admit it hasn 't been a top priority for awhile . I should do it again soon . Nothing real important to post today . I 'm just sitting here with nothing to do , so I thought I 'd jot down a few things . Have a good Sunday ! What an excellent Saturday . I only had to work a few hours , theMan came with me and we did a little shopping on Michigan Avenue . Plus our efforts produced the newest addition to our little family . Our new baby boy , we like to call him the Sony DCR - PC105 : DVSpot . com is a great place to get reviews and product info on camcorders and such . So far we are nothing but impressed with this little sucker , if I find something wrong with it , I 'll post it in case you are about to shop for a digital camcorder . Other than that I still have plenty of weekend left . Yahoo ! Reread one of my fav stories by Kurt Vonnegut last night . The " Euphio Question " from " Welcome to the Monkeyhouse . " Good stuff . Pick that up if you are in a bookstore . Yet another cool thing my dad got me interested in . Dang , it 's been a week of being reminded of my dad ! Man , the upstairs neighbors are either fucking or breaking each other 's necks , because they are being super loud and hootin ' and hollerin ' . Oh well . Get some buddy . I organized my links on the left . Also for my pals who read this at work , if I link something I 'll try to warn you if it 's bad . I 'll say Snakes world ( bad ) . How about that ? Wow , I saw an awesome movie last night . Lost In Translation was excellent and Bill Murray is incredible . It 's by the same director that did Virgin Suicides , and that movie was great too . The thing I liked about Lost is Translation , besides the acting , was the subtle use of letters you couldn 't read or whispered phone calls or words . It was just a really great plot and you won 't waste your money , trust me . Well , it 's Friday and of course , I 'm at work not working but blogging . I posted a link the other day to Spooky Boutique , but did you know they had 80 's band t - shirts ? Well , they do ! I 'll take the Blondie shirt for x - mas , just e - mail me for my home address . Wink wink , nudge nudge . Here 's more Halloween stuff to help you with your costumes . I think I 'm done with mine other than fixing up my jack o ' lantern bra with the dremel tool this weekend . Cross your fingers I don 't lose any limbs . I also posted a pic I found of last years costumes . That was sorta last minute so I hope I 'm more prepared this year . Some interesting news today . Rush Limbaugh resigned from ESPN ? His only redeeming quality , is that he supported Bill Maher ( I think ) during his comment fiasco . I still love what Bill Hicks said about Rush , but that 's just me . Today on the train platform a lady was given a ticket for smoking by a couple of officers . It 's like a $ 100 - $ 300 ticket . I don 't smoke , so fuck em ' , doesn 't bother me . But usually they are frisked and such , and that seems a bit much to me . No crazies to speak of as of yet today . There was a lady on the train talking loud to no one in particular , but not sure if she was crazy or on a cell phone that has one of those ear buds . Such a fine line . Oh yea . . . I was going to tell you about my dad 's theory on crazy chicks . I almost forgot . A little background : My dad has dated numerous ( and married as well ) crazy chicks , either total bitches or just pyschotic . He 's even married a clinically proven schizo ( I think 4 - 8 personalities , I don 't remember ) . However , I 'm grateful he married that schizo because it produced my two awesome brothers ! Anyways , as far as background goes , he 's pretty qualified to be able to comment on crazy people , women maybe more specifically . My sister was telling me that his last adventure into dating produced the following theory : Of course , I needed further explaination while mentally going through my mind " Do I do that ? " . According to her , he said that whenever his latest girlfriend would talk to him , she 'd talk and talk and talk and repeat the same information over and over . Like how most people know when to end a conversation , she didn 't and would just keep going and going , as well as talking about the same thing . It would get uncomfortable and you 'd just want to leave the room or put a pillow over her face . And yes , turns out this chick is crazy too . At least from his side . She calls at all hours of the night , threatens him , etc . etc . after he dumped her . Now , I have a couple women I have met in my life that I would never set up with any of my guy friends , not in a billion years , that do this very thing . But I never really connected it as being a trait that they would make a bad girlfriend , until Dad said it . I just thought they were bad conversationalists .
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My dog is now two years old , and I have had him since a puppy . His issue from day one was extreme fear of new situations , people and dogs . I worked very had to socialise him , with numerous meet / greet scenarios , puppy and dog training , doggie daycare and more training . He is come along way , improved in that he isn 't an obvious nut - case , but I know that his base - motivation is fear . I don 't have alot of guests , but the ones that have come over , he has growled at . ( he no longer gets to meet company ) . He has reacted on dog walks to lawn chairs , lawn flags , and of - course , other dogs . A couple of times , he has pulled me into the street ( he is 130 lbs ) . We don 't go for walks in on side - walks much any more . His excericse is doggie daycare ( where he is great ) , and dog parks . Dog parks are sketchy , because mostly he wants to have fun , but if he feels intimidated by another dog , he hides behind me , and displays fear , which just makes other dogs pick on him more . I watch to make sure we stay away from bad situations that could be trouble . Last summer , he snapped at a stranger who leaned over him , making direct eye contact . I should have predicted this , but at the time he was making progress in training , and I was a dummy . Anyways , we don 't meet strangers at all anymore . We have tried behavioral modification clicker training , and other types of traning that are more " leader " type . All in all , I know Max is a bit unstable , and I manage him , but I am starting to wonder if he is a danger . I try to my best to see all the potential issues around us , and steer clear , but I guess I am worried about even the hint of " what - if " . Of course , I am torn about putting him down ( he wouldn 't take to a new home . . . he doesn 't get along with strangers ) . Maybe nothing will ever happen , but " what - if " . He is 130 lbs . Naturally , I love him to pieces , and he is wonderful with me . The other thing is that Max has been in numerous fights with my other dog ( a bulldog ) . Although the bulldog is the instigator , he is much larger and it is quite a scary thing Just wanting to put this out there , to see what people 's thoughts are . I know everyone 's decision is their own . Am I nuts to think that he is a danger and needs to be put down , or nuts to think of putting down a healthy dog who is a joy in my life ? athenamorMarch 7th , 2007 , 09 : 31 AMI dont know what I would do in the situation , but I 've known people who have had the same problem . They kept the dog , muzzled him in places where he would easily be able to bite someone . Unless he is a danger to your family , I 'd say stick with him . Maybe there 's something that can be done . I dont know if they have anti - anxiety meds or not for dogs , but talk to your vet if you havent already . Maybe there are some calming things you can do before and after an outing . Copper ' sMomMarch 7th , 2007 , 09 : 48 AMI have somewhat of a similar situaton - and I worry alot about it because my dog is a Pit Bull . She is perfect at home and such a sweet girl , but in public - she is completely diffferent . To make a long story short , I have thought about what to do as well . Although my dog doesn 't sound as extreme as your case ( growling at people coming in house and fighting with other pet ) , I love her to much to give up on her . I am willing to take all the extra precautions and time in dealing with her behaviour . Now if she were to actually bite someone severley ( depending on situation as well ) , then I would think twice about what to do with her . You are aware there is a problem with the dog , and you just have to continue to be vigilant about it . I totally agree with athenamor - unless he is a danger to you or your family - stick with him ! But , yes I do know what you are feeling and thinking about the situation . And being fearful of the what - ifs . All i can say is precaution , precaution ! crazyforcatsMarch 7th , 2007 , 09 : 49 AMI would also suggest talking to your vet . Although this is on a slightly different scale , my parents have 2 cats - one which frequently has to be medicated due to his aggression towards the other cat . My parents are sure that if left unmedicated , this cat would kill the other cat . Also , whenever my parents have company ( like me and my family ) the cat has to have some extra medicating because he does not like strangers and will spray all over the house ( he is neutered ) and viciously attack our legs / feet . When medicated this cat is pleasant . My parents also use " rescue remedy " - a bach flowers combination . . . but my parents are kinda hippy - ish . . . papillonmamaMarch 7th , 2007 , 09 : 56 AMI can 't say that I would consider euthanizing either . I really think that you are doing a good job in trying to keep the situation under control . I don 't think you should give up now after all of the hard work you 've put in . Sometimes you just have to keep working at it . If you are really worried about some of the situations you 've described , why not consider a muzzle . I 'll be honest with you , your dog is better behaved than mine , I can 't bring Dory to a dog park and expect her to get along with any of the dogs . If you will , I 'm envious of your situation , Dory is also fearful , but she 's just a little dog so it 's easier to control , but it 's still extremely embarrassing , but that aside , I don 't think it 's uncontrollable , just something I have to keep working on . clmMarch 7th , 2007 , 10 : 05 AMMy first dog was fear aggressive . We were very careful with him . When my husband walked the dog , he made sure he told anyone who wanted to pet the dog not to . There were no off - leash parks for this dog , our big backyard was his only off - leash area . We muzzled the dog anytime he went to the vet , had to just to get him into the car if he realized he was going to the vet or he would turn into kujo . If you wanted to trim his nails , you had to muzzle him , he had a real fear thing about his feet especially . He was only 75 lbs , so we could handle him , but any time kids came into the house or the yard , one of us had a hold of the dog because you were never sure what he would do . He loved my neice and nephew , even when they were small , but if they scared him , I know he would have bit them , so any time they were there we held on to him . It was like that for the whole 9 + years of that dogs life , so you have to be prepared . During his lifetime he never bit anyone but it was because we were very very careful . You may want to see if a trainer or behaviorist could help you , we never did , but we didn 't have 130 lb dog to worry about either . SpiritMarch 7th , 2007 , 10 : 52 AMI don 't have alot of guests , but the ones that have come over , he has growled at . ( he no longer gets to meet company ) . By not allowing your dog to not greet company , you 're sending the message that there 's something to fear , or that company is dangerous and to protect himself , he must either attack , or stay away . He growls because he is unsure , and if they show nervousness or fear towards the dog , this tells him there 's reason to be afraid and will only intensify the emotion . Especially if you remove him from the situation ( instead of showing him that there 's nothing to fear ) . There is nothing that I read here that cannot be fixed quite easily , in a very short period of time . My golden went through a fear period for several months when he was a puppy . I remember one time we were walking ( he 's the friendliest dog in the world , and just loves everybody ) , and someone was walking towards us with a baby carriage . My dog went NUTS ( I 'm talking junkyard dog crazy . He was terrified of this big scary stroller ) . The closer they got , the more " aggressive " he became . If I tried to change directions away from the stoller , he got even more determined . However , when I explained to the lady that he 's never seen a stoller before and if she would mind helping me conquer this fear by stopping and simply standing there ( no make eye contact ) . I knew the lady , and I knew I was in complete control of the situation ( there was a baby in there , for crying out loud ! ) , so I calmly walked him towards them . When we got close ( not too close ! ) and he slowed right down to carefully sniff it ( from a distance - body stretched forward ) . His body language said fear ( he kept taking a step backwards before attempting to sniff again ) . I showed him there was nothing to be afraid of and after a few sniffs of the stroller ( he loves babies , btw ) , and he was fine . The tail came back up , the smile came back on his face , and within minutes he was his usual friendly self . This had to be repeated with an umbrulla , an empty bag blowing in the wind , kids on rollerblades , men wearing hats , people with big clunky boots , workmen , etc . Of course I didn 't always stop so he could check it out , but I would always give him the time to see that there 's nothing to be afraid of , by not being afraid myself . Even if it meant stopping and asking him to sit , then walking closer to the object before carrying on our way . Other times I would give a quick leash correction and just keep on walking . Now I 'm not saying it 's going to be this easy ( it will take much more time with your dog , as the fear has already been reinforced ) , but you don 't get over a fePS . With a 130lbs dog , please don 't get smart and try to copy something you 've seen on some dog training show . This is a very strong dog , so asking for the help of a professional on how to gain control over him , is your best bet . Good luck ! contrary to popular belief , ALOT of dogs do not do well at dog parks . They are not the place for everyone . especially a dog who is fearful . dog parks are unpredictable . that is the LAST place a dog like this should be . " he snapped at a stranger who leaned over him " . . . . this is not how anyone should greet a dog . even with my own dog , I TELL people , even strangers , if they want to say hello , they MUST greet PALM UP AND NOT NEAR THE HEAD . there are ways to greet properly . looming over is NOT one of them . " He has reacted on dog walks to lawn chairs , lawn flags , " . . . . what really matters is how YOU react when HE reacts . you could very well be enforcing the behavior . " Max has been in numerous fights with my other dog ( a bulldog ) . Although the bulldog is the instigator , " . . . . so because the other dog starts it , Max gets punished because he 's larger and you 're afraid of what it 's teaching him ? seriously ? sounds like the bulldog could benefit from some rules and training himself . LissaMarch 7th , 2007 , 01 : 23 PMI suggest reading Click to Calm by Emma Parsons . It 's about dog - dog aggression but the principle behind clicking to calm any behaviour is the same . I 'd also suggest you read Calming Signals by Turid Rugaas so you know how to calm your dog and how to recognize when he 's using calming signals . . . I also think you 'd benefit from reading Culture Clash by Jean Donaldson , the chapter on socialization , fear and aggression will be of great help to you . With regards to guests , completely isolating your dog from them can cause him to be more fearful HOWEVER , unless you can devote 100 % attention to him when you have guests , keeping him away is the best thing you can do . And I think you should start on neutral territory , not in your house . You need to enlist the help of a friend who will follow your instructions completely and who understand this is about your dog ( so when you ignore them they aren 't offended ) . Your friend shouldn 't make any sudden movements , they should ignore your dog completely and NEVER make direct eye contact . You will have your dog on a head halter ( and if he 's never had one one before , you need to desensitize him to it before you do anything ) . . . You will have a clicker and treats and will click whenever he 's calm or if he looks at you or starts expressing calming signals . You can hopefully start with enough distance between your dog and your friend so that he is not reacting at all , if that 's possible , I 'd stay at that level until your dog gives all his attention to you and barely looks at your friend . At this point , your friend can try tossing treats toward your dog or maybe change position from sitting to standing or walking around ( but still ignoring the dog , not forcing interaction and keeping the same distance ) . You can try tugging with your dog or doing some training , to keep his mind occupied and to make it as natural and positve as possible . Euthanasia wouldn 't be an option for me . My last dog was just as fearful as your dog . We always worried that she 'd have a heart attack because everthing terrified her . At the time , I had no idea about the wonders of clicker training and my Grand - father was heavy on the " alpha " approach so we all lived with her fear and did nothing to train or socialize her ( other than basics of sit / down / stay / come / heel ) . . . I have NO doubt that if I had known what I do now , she would have been a completely different dog . . . But even so , she had a happy , long life - like you , we had to manage every scenario carefully but that 's what we signed up for when we brought her home as a puppy . I really hope you can find a good trainer or behaviorist that can help you through this . . . Please don 't let the " what if 's " make this decision for you ! : grouphug : coppperbelleMarch 7th , 2007 , 03 : 27 PMI really feel for you because I have been there . In the summer of 2005 my girl began showing signs of extreme aggression . She had bitten before ( my nephews girlfriend ) and even me but I made excuses for it . She began showing aggression on walks , first with other dogs and then with people . When people came to the house she would bark and jump at their faces but never bit . One day she jumped over a railing on our deck and down an 8 foot drop to get to the UPS guy . Fortunately he had some sort of training , stood stock still and I was able to get her before she bit him . Her aggression began to escalate and became more frequent . When she bit a neighbors child for absolutely no reason I stopped walking her . She began snarling at me and my daughter who she loved . I posted here , on another web site and spoke to some very experienced golden people . To protect everyone including myself I talked about euthanizing her . Unless you have been in a place where your dog cannot be trusted with anyone you have no idea . One day someone sent me an article about aggression and hypothryoidism so I had her tested . She began taking medication and I waited for the miracle to occur . It didn 't right away and when I asked people how long it would take I got answers like 2 weeks - 6 weeks . In the mean time I spoke to a trainer who had tons of experience with goldens . She diagnosed Chloe as a bully . Along with the medication for her thyroid we began taking classes . While I was waiting for things to improve I decided that at the 6 week mark if she was not better I would have her put to sleep . As the 6 week mark approached I began to panic and remember crying all the time thinking about what I thought had to be done . It was so difficult because there were people who had no patience and said to put her down while there were others who didn 't understand me contemplating such a thing . What I learned with the right trainer was that Chloe thought it was her job to take care of me and not the other way around . OnceIf I were you I would have him checked out for physical problems by your vet . Then enroll yourselves in a good obedience class with a trainer that understands your problem . Feel free to e - mail me with questions if you want . Good luck . EdwinBirdMarch 7th , 2007 , 03 : 29 PMMy roommate 's dog is extremely fear aggressive ( she was abused as a puppy - the person who gave her her up even admitted to it ) , to the point that she will bite people who try to touch her ( she used to act aggressive to people who even got near her , but she 's making progress ) . But there are ways to handle it . As other people have mentioned , avoiding the problem ( not allowing her to ever meet guests ) wont solve anything . I 'd second reading Click to Calm - I read it after my roommate did , and it has some wonderful advice , even if you aren 't dealing with an aggressive dog . Someone mentioned that the problems you have are easily and quickly solvable . I hope that person is correct , but depending on factors that I don 't know about , solving the problem could end up taking a lot of energy and a lot of time . Still , though , people who want animals in their lives should realize tough and time consuming problems can arise . Contrary to what other people have said , it seems very natural to consider the " what - ifs . " For example , it is probably a very good thing to recognize that if your dog severely bites someone , you may have to put it down ( depending on where you live , you may have no choice ) . But you shouldn 't let the " what - ifs " scare you into the wrong decision . It seems as if you can control the situation and help the dog realize that it doesn 't need to be afraid . Again , Click to Calm should give you some great instructions to solving the problems - though , as the book states , the results wont be immediate , but that shouldn 't be expected anyway . InisfadMarch 7th , 2007 , 04 : 18 PMI think that the crux of the matter here is when you say that he is really great in doggy day care . If that is so , then it very simply means that this is a behavior problem , and a behavior problem regarding his interpretation of his relationship with you and signs he gets from you . I think that in your attempt to avoid any confrontation and aggression in him , you are exacerbating the situation and reinforcing his already aggressive behavior . I think this is a totally fixable problem , with the right trainer . Not only for him , but for you , too , in teaching you how to deal with him properly . One of my dogs was severely aggressive towards EVERYONE and Everything ! Including us . He had bitten one kid ( approx 12 years old ) quite badly , snapped at several others , lunged at me while I was bringing him food , bit my dad , attacked many other dogs at camp , and instilled fear in anyone who knew him . By far it was not easy , first off , we had to accept that we were doing things all wrong for his breed . ( I know Rotties , I understand Rotties , Meik is a Border Collie . . . nothing like a Rottie . : o but I figured " a dog is a dog " right ? WRONG ) Believe me it was un nerving to accept that I was to blame for his " issues " but that was the first step in his and our rehabilitation . I should clarify that I don 't isolate Max from the world . Yes , when company comes over , he stays on the other side of the door , looking in , but as far as the world goes , I take him with me to lots of places , and have since he was a puppy . I also try extremely hard to be aware of my body language and responses to other people / dogs when we are out , so that he doesn 't tense up because I am tense . One thing I would expect is that he is very much looks to me for guidance and is a bit " clingy " . Which may account for some of his issues . I have never coddled him or encourgaged this behavior . . . and when he does this I ignore him . Why it hasn 't stopped , I don 't know . So , in other ways I try to build his confidence ( for example group traning sessions ) . So , very interested in what training is the best training . I have worked with a dog trainer who was more of the lead your dog by being alpha type . And I 've worked with a behaviourist who is more of the clicker type . After three months of each type , and seeing little or no change , I don 't know what else to try . Why can 't I ( or they ) pinpoint what I am doing wrong ? Is it always the owner at fault in that they don 't " do " it right ? Believe me , I could write paragraphs on all the socializing and things I have tried . So I guess I am frustrated at the lack of results . I love him to pieces and will keep trying , but where do I go from here ? ~ michelle ~ March 7th , 2007 , 07 : 05 PMseek a behaviouralist . where are you located ? people may be able to help you from where you live . is there a vetrinary college around take your dog there , maybe they can do some more test and have behaviouralist that can help you more SpiritMarch 7th , 2007 , 07 : 42 PMOne thing I would expect is that he is very much looks to me for guidance and is a bit " clingy " . Which may account for some of his issues . I have never coddled him or encourgaged this behavior . . . and when he does this I ignore him . I 'm curious . . . can you define " clingy " ? There are times when ignoring is good ( ie . jumping does not get rewarded ) , and other times where you need to step in and say " Hey . Knock it off . You 're fine . " ( ie . safety blanket ) . Boo BooMarch 7th , 2007 , 08 : 14 PMAsk yuourself . . . do you have fear and anxiety on how your dog will react to given situations . Your emotions and reactions affect your dog 's behaviour . Understanding your role as the pack leader is criticial to ending this problem . There is alot of beneficial and motivating things to learn on " dog whisper " show . But I would also seek help of a professional behaviourist , TOGETHER you both will learn to overcome this . Good Luck : fingerscr when a child goes to the top of a slippery slide , do you take the child off thinking that he may walk off the edge and get hurt ? No . . . . you teach them how to do it . Thats what dogs need as well . By eliminating all obstacles , they wont learn . I understand the fear of the dog hurting someone . that is frightening . But unless there are other incidences , the gentleman you mentioned , behaved in an aggressive manner as well , at least as perceived by the dog . I guess what I am saying , and i hope it isn 't coming out harsh , is to think about what you want the dog for . . . a companion ? a friend to your other dog ? because it was a cute puppy ? a guard dog ? once you figure that out , you will know what to do . If the dog isn 't meeting your expectations , it isn 't his fault , it was just a miss match . perhaps he would be better with someone he is better matched with and you may be happier with a dog better suited to you and your family 's needs . We dont " click " with all people , and we dont " click " with all pets either .
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Power in Stories " There 's power in stories , though . That 's all history is : the best tales . The ones that last . Might as well be mine . " - Varric Tethrasterion . nettwittertumblrinstagramAO3 Menu January 16 , 2016 Dragon Age / Fanfiction / Series : The Inquisition 's Mercenaries Previous ChapterNext ChapterMeryell stood silently on the other side of the war table from the leaders of the Inquisition , her arms crossed and eyes focused into a hard gaze that flicked from one to the other as they spoke . The spymaster was furious that something had gotten past her , Josephine was worried about the few allies they had balking at being tied to a mercenary group ( even though they weren 't at fucking all ) , Cassandra was bristling because she saw it as betrayal , and Cullen was eerily silent . Well , eerily silent to everyone but her as they 'd discussed how he should act at this meeting while she was still stuck in bed regaining her strength . She dearly wanted to just scream at them but she waited . Waited until the worst of their anger burned out , until they thought her perhaps a little cowed by their rage . She was good at waiting . The ambassador looked a little shocked but she quickly recovered and tapped her fingers against whatever paper she had sitting atop the writing board that was her almost constant companion . " Your letter , " she said softly , " was addressed to a man named Folke . We 've come to understand that he and yourself are members of the mercenary company known as the Fangs of Vimmark . " " Not something you can find out ? " she asked with a smirk , cocking her head slightly towards the spymaster . Honestly , she probably shouldn 't be prodding the other woman but if there was one thing she hated it was people who worked solely in secrets alone . Anyone who delved that deep into other people 's shit had the tendency to not be all that stable and what she 'd seen so far of the spymaster spoke of a woman treading the line between killing for good reasons and killing blindly for the cause . It was one step from religious zealotry and she 'd rather kill a zealot before they got the idea to stab her in the back . Shrugging , Meryell explained , " Normal protocol . I was out on my own on a job and they probably think I 'm fucking dead given that the job involved getting into the Conclave . That and the company doesn 't just blindly trust anyone asking about our own . " She shifted her weight onto the balls of her feet then back to her heels before she continued , " As to how long I 've served , over ten years . I joined them in 9 : 30 just before the cock - up at Ostagar wiped out the King 's army . Did one job in Ferelden then we high tailed it out of the fucking country . " " You were lucky , " commented Cullen quietly , barely enough of a vocalization for anyone else to hear . Meryell had elf ears , though , and she 'd honed her hearing over the years to make sure she heard everything that she could . He sounded … wounded . She filed the comment quietly away for later and cocked her head at Josephine . She could see Cullen shift his weight at Cassandra 's repitition of the term and sighed . " He has enough magic to be dangerous but not enough to bring demons down on his head . Just enough to tweak the nose of the Maker , as he likes to say . " It wasn 't like Folke being a hedge mage was a big deal . Even with her avoiding his smug ass for the most part , she 'd gotten the fact that Chuckles hadn 't been trained by the Dalish or a Circle , which also put him into the particular category . " Favorite topic . " Meryell then looked at Cassandra again and asked , " You want to know anything else about him ? Favorite food ? Whether he sleeps naked ? The size of his co - " " I 'll remind you , " replied Meryell with a clenched jaw , " that you and Cassandra told me I could leave whenever I liked . If the Breach is closed , you don 't need this shit on my hand anymore , right ? " When no one immediately answered her , she snarled , " Right ? ! " " We cannot answer that question because we do not have an answer , " pointed out Cassandra . She then planted her hands on the table and leaned forward , dark eyes accusing . " And what if rifts remain after it closes ? You would merely abandon those who suffer from their presence simply because you feel the need to run away ? " " Fenedhis ! " snarled Meryell , her temper bucking against its leash but she held it . " I am no hal ' am ' shirelan ! I owe you and your Inquisition nothing ! You imprisoned me , declared me something I most certainly am fucking not without even waiting for me to wake up , begged me and blackmailed me at the same fucking time to stay and help you , and when you find out what I am you sneer behind my back . " She straightened to her full height , which wasn 't all that impressive but Folke had taught her how to make her presence felt when it needed to be . And she remembered , oh fuck did she remember , the words her father had said every night with her , their own little prayer as he had abandoned the Creators and both had never deigned to believe in the Maker like her mother had . We are the last of the Elvhenan , and never again shall we submit . They were spawned from Dalish words , from a world she 'd only known bits and pieces of thanks to her father , but they had made them theirs . She would not bend a knee to these fools who couldn 't even deal with her fucking past . Not without her legs being fucking broken . Cullen looked almost stricken at her words and she was so close to taking them back . He was one of the two things actually bearable in this situation and she wanted … Maker 's aching cock , she actually wanted to see if that unspoken thing between them could be something more . If she could be something more than a momentary tumble in a man 's bed . Silence reigned for a long moment then the spymaster said in a low voice , " Then we should work to trust each other better . " She 'd expected those words of Josephine , of Cassandra , but not of the cold - tempered keeper of secrets . " I suspect , " she continued mildly , blue eyes a little less dark than they had been before , " that we sometimes forget that you are a person and not merely a symbol . The exception being our Commander , of course . " For some reason that motion - all too familiar since he 'd spent the majority of his free hours with her recently - calmed her temper . Taking a deep breath , Meryell let her arms fall apart and leaned into the war table , looking steadily from one of them to the other , starting with the spymaster and working her way down to Cullen . " You want my help , " she began , " you deal with my shit . You deal with my past , my language , my job , and my fucking family without saying shit . Non - negotiable This is who I fucking am and I will not change it unless I feel the need to damn well do so . Now … " Trailing off for a moment , she turned her attention to Josephine , " I 'll pen another letter to Folke about this shit , clear up me being marked dead in the rolls . My first suggestion would be if you want to keep control of how people find out about my past , we hire my company . " " Fuck no . Arnald 's a decent man but he doesn 't do charity work . He might give a discount from the usual wage of hiring the whole company because it 's me and no one 's hired the whole company in years . " " We are still playing this incessant game ? " the Seeker asked with a sigh . After a moment of silence in response she said , " Fine . You have said you were born in the South Reach alienage . What of your childhood ? " " I was born in 9 : 15 during Drakonis , the first birth to survive that year in the alienage . My childhood was … normal … to what one might find in any alienage . In 9 : 26 , a coughing sickness took hold of the city but it festered in the alienage . My mother died of it and , after it was gone , my father was murdered during the recovery for his coin . The hahren took me in but I was angry , bitter , always fighting him , so I joined a gang at thirteen . Two years later Folke and his partner hired us to help them gather information for a job and then gave us the recruitment spiel after we hauled their asses out of the jail . I 've been with the company ever since . " That was the least she would tell the three women . None of them were trusted enough yet to know any more and she wouldn 't say anything unless confronted about it . Though there was probably little that even the spymaster would be able to find given that the only records kept in alienages were births , deaths , and marriages . They would find nothing about who her father or mother were unless those that knew them still lived and those were few and far between . It was more comforting a thought than the one she 'd had upon waking days ago , when fear had blinded her and made her forget . Her life with the Fangs was open . The years before that still had a chance to escape a close perusal . Meryell grinned at him while the other women looked more than a little confused . Obviously he didn 't show his sense of humor to a great deal of people . " I 'll save forcing the Inquisition having to break me out of jail for when it wouldn 't be Val Royeaux 's dungeons . Y ' ever been down there ? Utter fucking piss . Now Ostwick , they have a nice jail . " " When you are well , Herald , " replied the ambassador in a delicate tone . " Solas made it very clear that it would take at least three weeks from your waking for you to be travel ready . Luckily for us , the clerics convene in five weeks , which leaves enough days for your journey to Val Royeaux with extra to play with . " " Fucking Chuckles , " growled Meryell but she wasn 't going to openly argue that she wasn 't in top form . It had taken several days for her to even get the energy to get out of bed and she grew tired incredibly quickly still . She 'd discovered that fact by trying to practice her fighting forms to strengthen her arm yesterday and had ended up in the floor , having to crawl back into her bed . She just wasn 't going to tell Chuckles that he was right . Thanks for saving my ass , sure . You were right about me being as weak as a fucking kitten was right out . " Good . We shall take the time you are recovering to plan . " Cassandra crossed her arms then and asked the room , " I believe that is all for today , correct ? " " I 'll have one in a few days , " she replied in a clipped tone while narrowing her eyes . This time she was going to write the damned thing in the company codes which annoyed the shit out of her . She loathed the fucking codes the company had developed decades ago during their inception that allowed them to pass missives without worry of someone intercepting delicate information . The spymaster reading mail that she didn 't want her to read wasn 't going to happen again , so she 'd suffer . Trying to shake the sudden anger off , Meryell looked at Cullen and asked in a more pleasant voice , " Good ser , may I ask for an escort to the tavern ? " She ignored the odd looks the question garnered her from the three women , choosing to focus solely him . Her eyes focused on the way his scar twitched with his lip , how his eyes glinted with some silent bit of humor - what had he thought of there , she did wonder - then he was coming around the table with his arm canted towards her . Bursting into laughter at him playing her vulgarity against her playing his politeness , Meryell locked her arm into his and they strode out of the war room without another word . As soon as the door closed behind them , she sighed and leaned a little more into him as a sudden wave of exhaustion rushed up on her . Leather - clad fingers pressed warmly against her hand and then Cullen asked , " Are you certain you want to go to the tavern ? " Huffing out an exasperated breath , she muttered , " I know . " Shaking her head , she turned to look up at him . " I don 't deal with being sick well . Not even when my parents were alive . " " They 're not a topic I like to think about often . " Closing her eyes , Meryell impulsively leaned her head against his arm , thankful that he 'd apparently decided to forgo his armor today and was wearing only his coat with it 's fur over his tunic and trousers . Speaking softly , she continued , " I watched my mother die , shaking and choking on her own spit , unable to do anything but sit in the furthest corner of our home and hope that I wasn 't next . There weren 't even any tears left at that point . I 'd spent them all when the Arl sent men in who piled up the bodies and burned them in a corner of the alienage days before . There weren 't even any left weeks later when I found my father dead only a few feet from our door . " His arm tensed underneath her cheek as she spoke and she was certain now that it wasn 't where he 'd seen the conversation going . When she got tired , however , she had a tendency of getting melancholy . Another reason why she hated to be at the point of exhaustion . Cullen opened the door of the tavern then and the soldiers who were in residence greeted them with a hearty call of their titles before they drifted back to what they had been doing . Only one more reason why she preferred spending her time with these men and women rather than some of the others in the budding Inquisition . They knew when to keep their fucking mouths shut . " Here , sit , " he offered , pulling out one of the two chairs against the wall at one of the few corner tables with his free hand and delicately steering her into it . Meryell fell gracelessly as directed and she could see it made Cullen smile as she tilted her head back while he scooted her chair across the floor so it was closer to the table . " A drink for the thief ? And perhaps whatever Flissa has in that pot hanging in the hearth ? " She leaned her elbows on the table , chin propped against both hands , and watched him as he crossed the room . He spoke freely to every soldier - and the few scouts who were also present , she now saw - as he went , sure and steady as you please . She envied that poise and wondered if it had come naturally to him or learnt during his years as a Templar . What she had was mostly what the Antivans in the company called bravado and what everyone else had dubbed the brassest set of balls you 've ever seen on a woman . And half of that was fueled by that angry little girl from the alienage who 'd had her family stolen from her . Meryell sighed , rubbing her fingers into her temples , then sat up as Cullen returned with two mugs topped with froth and a bowl of steaming stew . Her stomach growled as the delicious smell of boiled vegetables and meat hit her nose and immediately dug in as soon as the bottom hit the table . He laughed as he took the seat directly next to her at the other wall - backed chair - a habit they 'd discovered when they 'd shared the first night of many once he 'd actually taken her up on the offer of drinking with her before she 'd gone into the Hinterlands a month ago - and leaned back to sip at whatever he 'd gotten to drink . She finished the stew in what was probably record time , draining even the juices left in the bottom of the bowl , and then promptly scooted her chair closer to him . Snatching up her mug and taking a sip , Meryell curled her feet up into the seat and leaned sideways into Cullen 's chest with an audible thump , drawing a chuckle out of him . The warm , heavy weight of his arm fell across her shoulders and he laughed before softly saying , " This will no doubt spawn even more rumor , dear thief . " She resisted the urge to shiver and laid her head back against his shoulder , smiling up at him . They had sat like this only a few times but she could foresee it becoming more common . His staying with her during his free hours lately had prompted a great deal of touching between them . It was never anything untoward or too forward , just her reaching out for comfort or him somehow anticipating that she needed touch . She 'd never have taken him for that much of a touch - heavy type but sometimes it felt hungry . Like he was a man who 'd starved himself of human contact . And somehow - she wasn 't quite sure how and didn 't want to examine it too closely - this , whatever this was , was working . She still wanted him and sometimes she caught the tail - end of a guilty stare as his eyes flicked away and came so fucking close to saying something but she knew enough about herself ( and made enough guesses about him ) to know it wasn 't the time . Cullen was , for now , her friend and that was enough . " So ? " Meryell chirped with a smile as her head lolled against his shoulder . " We know what we fucking are , yeah ? Let ' em gab . They need to see us being people for the same reason as I don 't care about them calling me fucking Herald . " Cullen 's face was slightly flushed - whether with drink or embarrassment was a mystery - but he nodded just the same . His arm tightened around her shoulders and he hummed before replying , " Yes . We know what we are . " You and the company probably haven 't heard of the Inquisition or the Herald of Andraste yet other than the letters they sent . Well , fun news , I 'm the one carrying the latter title . You 're probably laughing your fucking head off at anyone putting a religious title to me , so take a minute before you blow your heart , old man . Short story , shit went cock - up at the Conclave . Arnald 's going to have to return the up front pay to our client from the coffers ' cause it and all my gear went up in flames with everything else . If he bitches , tell him it was the price for me not being fucking dead . I 'd tell you more but the Inquisition has a spymaster who handles the birds and I 'm hooked to town from an injury so I can 't reach our contact in Redcliffe . You know I hate these fucking codes . Cramps my damn hand . I 'll fill you in on the whole bit of nugshit the next time I see you , which 'll be hopefully soon . I ought to wring your neck bloody , you little shit . You know I wouldn 't have supported the captain adding you to the dead unless I was certain you were supposed to be there . I fucking searched for you , trying to trace your charm . Gil and Demut did too . You 'd be surprised what the company 's heard . Captain 's a little wary of accepting the offer given what Boots rambled on one night about the history of the Inquisition but he 's going to do it anyway . Coin 's coin , as we say . And it 's you vouching , girlie , so Arnald 's inclined to listen . He did , in fact , bitch about having to give away coin though . Now , I 'm holding you to telling me the whole story when I see you next . Right after I squeeze the sodding life out of you . Don 't scare me like that again , Poppet .
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May 28 , 2007 in Faith , Fibers , Sheep | 11 comments Nearby is a monastery . Rather than go on and on about what an interesting and spiritual place this is , you can read about it here Mount Saviour Monastery . I will say that regardless of where you come from , denomination , race , etc . , the chapel is a wonderful place to sit and pray . And the surrounding area with the sheep is very restful . The photo is of a 14th century statue in the crypt . While visiting last week , I saw a sign announcing the day they would be shearing their sheep . So early on Saturday I drove to a friend 's house who is fortunate enough to live about a mile from the monastery and we walked uphill to the barn . You know you 've entered the Monastery grounds when you see a large crucifix on the side of the road , looks old and what you 'd expect to find . I forgot to take a photo of it . But , I did take a photo of what I saw next , part of an electric fence . Not a very interesting photo , but it struck me that it was such a modern contrast to the old wood hand crafted crucifix and an example of the modern monastic life , some things done as they always have been , but others things done in a modern way . Inside the barn … Watching this gentleman working , it was easy to see he had a lot of experience with sheep . He worked very quickly , carefully , handling the sheep firmly but kindly so as not to injure them or cause them much stress . A young woman was also shearing and while not quite as quick and neat as the man , she was pretty darn good . Note : I don 't know what most people envision when they think of a Monk . When working with sheep , here they wear a type of coverall . I noticed Bro . Bruno and Bro . Pierre wearing them and so I 'm guessing that the man in coveralls in the photo below is a monk . There was a man standing near me taking lots of photos , smiling as he did . By the way he was talking to the monks I could tell he knew them well . Curious , I struck up a conversation with him and found out that the two teen girls in the photo are his daughters . They travel from D . C . every year for shearing weekend and other retreats . The girls help every year and this year they were ' throwing the sheep ' , which basically means flipping them over onto their backs and sliding them over to the shearer to save him some work . Behind the girls you can see more sheep waiting to be shorn , hundreds were done that day . The sheep was herded into the barn the day before ( the monks ride 4 wheelers ) avoiding a thunderstorm and wet sheep . A lot of people come to help herding and shearing and so it goes very quickly . A very large , shorn fleece on the skirting table . All but a ewe named Poodle and a lamb , are white . Poodle and the lamb are black . While normally they send all the fleeces off to be processed and spun into yarn , batting and such , when I asked they were pleased to sell me a fleece or two for a workshop . I picked out a large white fleece and asked for Poodle 's fleece to be set aside for me in case I missed her being shorn while taking a lunch break . Sure enough I missed Poodle being shorn . For some reason I thought Poodle was a ram and would be done last , but Poodle is a ewe . . duh … . And she was too far when I came back to get a close up shot of her . This was taken with the zoom feature on the camera and you still can barely see her . She is the lone black sheep in the center of the photo . What you don 't see in the photo is a glider in the sky from the nearby national glider museum , a post for another day . After the sheep are shorn , they are checked very carefully for any cuts or signs of illness and such . They are then released and immediately go out to look for their lambs which have been waiting , impatiently and very noisily for their moms . Here are a few waiting and behind them a Ewe is nursing her lambs . We watched as she was released and ran right over to her lambs which looked to us , exactly like many of the other lambs . While she knew exactly which lambs were hers , the lambs at first were not sure this was mom . The matriarch of the sheep , an older ewe was creating quite a fuss . Very upset that some of her flock was still in the barn , she would come in from the pasture and complain very loudly . Every time she did so , all the lambs waiting for their moms would run to her and follow her also complaining , making for a lot of noise . Eventually she would leave , still baa - ing loudly , calling the sheep to follow her . I tried to take a photo of her , but she was pretty upset and moving faster than I was . Here are the fleeces I brought back home with me . The white is actually much larger than the dark fleece . When I unrolled the fleeces I could see that although Poodle looks black when shorn , her fleece is varying shades of gray . . very pretty . The spinners that meet at my house regularly will be helping me skirt the fleeces a bit more , wash and process these fleeces so that they can experience the entire process from start to finish . Close up of fleeces … Before coming home I stopped in the gift shop to pay for the fleeces … big mistake … I came home with a dvd about the monastery that received 3 Emmy award nominations and I came home with this painting . An artist comes and paints scenes of everyday life here and donates them to the monastery . This one I 've named ' The Good Shepherd ' . It is Brother Pierre , who is in charge of the sheep , in a winter scene , Poodle being the dark sheep . Bro . Pierre is a small , slim but strong older man who physically reminds me a lot of my Dad . I saw this painting last week and when I saw it again this week , I knew it had to come home with me . Not a traditional sheep scene , but I like it very much . There is a little glare in the photo but you get an idea of the painting . May 15 , 2007 in Family , Garden | 2 comments I meant to do a Mother 's Day post but the weekend just got away from me . Between granddaughter Jessica 's ballgame , clearing out the 3rd bay of the garage , so I can use it as a workshop / studio in mild weather , and garden work , I just don 't seem to sit down in front of the pc long enough to do a post . On Mother 's day I received some phone calls and gifts and was treated to dinner out to a restaurant where my son - in - law is the chef , all very much appreciated . But , what I want to share are a couple of cards , one from daughter Tina , very sweet and lacy . She wore the wedding shawl I made for her , to dinner , so the card was just perfect and I love the sentiment . The card from her son Connor caused me to chuckle … It 's a little boy kitty holding handfuls of blooms . What is so funny it is that Connor is absolutely fascinated by the flowers in my garden and is determined to pick every single one of them . Ok , so sometimes it isn 't funny , but I know they will grow back next year and he will only be a toddler for a little while . . so I 'm trying to not cringe when he manages to grab a flower or two . . or three … We are working on teaching him to ask before he picks a flower and how to pick one properly . Just a few of Connor 's flowers in a vase … notice they have little or no stems . . * G * . Today he snagged another purple tulip and a red one … And a little something sent to me by a friend . . I don 't know if she wrote this or not … but I like it a lot … Whether your MOM is with you or not ! ! ! May 9 , 2007 in Fibers , Spinning , Yarn | 2 comments A while ago I posted a photo of an oops yarn on my studio blog ( link in the sidebar ) . I kept the yarn for myself and am knitting a pair of socks with . I 'm once again using the 2 socks on 2 needles method , this time starting at the toe . Not happy with heels on previous toe up socks , I decided to try a short row heel in garter stitch for better wear . May 6 , 2007 in Carding , Fibers , Spinning | Leave a comment Once a month a group of spinners get together at my house to sit and spin and sometimes learn something new . With the warmer days , we have less people meeting as they are busy with gardening chores , family events , outdoor actvities . It also means that we are able to work on some things outdoors . This week it was requested that I demonstrate how to use a drum carder . I set up some tables and chairs in the yard before going to pick up Jessica for her morning ball game . When I got home a little before spinners were to arrive , I started blending a pansy batt . No sooner did I pull out my fibers when the wind gusted and sent purple fiber sailing away out of my reach . I moved everything into the garage and we were able to work there . Jessica was still around , playing in the yard and I could hear neighborhood kids laughing as they rode by the cherry trees on their bikes because it was " snowing pink snow " ! The wind was blowing cherry blossoms off the trees in drifts of soft pink . I left my equipment in the garage as we don 't need it for the cars in the summer and I can work out there . Just a little while ago , I went out and finished what I started yesterday . This is a photo of a previous batch … there is a little over 4 ounces in this one . It is a blend of several breeds of wool , generous amount of silk and just a little mohair , all blended enough to distribute the different colors and will result in a lightly textured yarn with a little sheen . yes . . it is available . $ 16 . 00 for the lot , email me or leave a message if you are interested . I plan to start working on blends again on a regular basis , but I make no promises as to how often or how many , and I won 't take orders , I don 't want my shoulder flaring up again . Play Ball ! … May 6 , 2007 in Family | 4 comments I signed granddaughter Jessica up to play ball this year , thought she would enjoy being on a team , learning some new skills . She 's only had a couple of practice sessions and hasn 't played ball otherwise , but she 's doing really well and most importantly having a great time . Yesterday was the first game and I took a few photos . Here she is on first base , waiting for the game to start . Most of the girls have no clue what they are doing so it is all very comical . Their shirts are too big , socks too long , but they don 't care . Jessica tagged out two players without realizing what she was doing , simply did what I along with the other parents and grandparents were screaming for her to do . Here she is trying to bat off a tee , later the coach threw the ball to them so they could learn to bat both ways . After I snapped this photo , I realized she was holding the bat wrong , called out to the coach that Jessica was left handed . Jess looked up at me and gave that exact same look my kids would give me when they were little and playing sports … ' MOM , you 're embarrassing me ! ' … hee hee . But , when the coach said " thanks for reminding me " , she smiled and got down to business , smacked that ball . The next time up , she reminded the coach that she was left handed and held the bat properly . I can see her becoming a little more confident and poised with each practice . Running into home base … . . Yay ! Since she 's wearing her jacket , I think this photo was taken the first time she was up . . the photo of her batting was of her batting the second time . The parents on our team are all great sports , cheer all the girls on without being too aggresive or taking it all too seriously . The biggest challenge to all is remembering all the girls names . Everyone knows Jessica , she is the only dark skinned , dark haired girl on the team , easy to remember and so everyone cheers for her by name and when they do , she smiles a great big smile ! Is there a better way to spend a Saturday morning ? In case you are wondering … no one won the game … no score is kept at this level . The girls are meant to have fun , learn the sport , make friends . Little Helpers … May 5 , 2007 in Family | 2 comments Here are a few photos of Connor helping me in the garden on Thursdays . He discovered flowers , first noticing the dandelions . I tried to show him the proper way to pick a flower so that it would have a stem , but he was more interested in sniffing it and then thought about tasting it . Since I do have things in the garden that can 't be eaten , I discouraged him from tasting and so he just carried them around , proud of himself , looking for more things to pluck . . yikes . . By the time mommy came to pick him up , he had a very sad looking flower that Mommy was delighted to get . . He learned the word flower , bee ( he tired to catch a bumble bee ) and that a bee says . . bzzzzz … . Check out his outfit … love the safari hat which has snaps to pull up one side or the other . Another grandbaby who is a good helper … Catalina , just a month younger than her cousin Connor . I was talking to my son on the phone the other day and Catalina was holding the phone and then decided to run off with it . My son emailed me these photos of her just yesterday … . I get to see Catalina soon . . While Connor is very fair , blue eyes and curly hair , Catalina looks a lot like her dad , big dark eyes , dark hair … a real sweetie who loves her dolly . She is all girly with her cute jeans with ruffles , Dora sneakers and Dora doll . I wish she lived closer … . Trees … May 4 , 2007 in Home | Leave a comment It is yearly tree trimming time in our town . Once a year the town crews go around and trim up the many huge trees in our town . Even if a tree is on your property , if it looks like it has to be trimmed and within a certain distance from the middle of the road ( which varies in some areas that have no curbs or sidewalks ) they will mark it for trimming or removing . If you don 't want it gone , you have to fight them to leave it . The fact that they will remove a tree on private property is sometimes good sometimes bad . Our home sits on 2 town lots and while there were only a couple of plants growing , there were 14 trees large old trees here in varying state of decay . The town removed all the ones closest to the street and that left us to remove 6 maples , several pine trees and an apple tree . We 'd actually planned to leave one of the pine trees but it was damaged by one of the other trees and had to go . . And the apple tree went a few years after the others . I tried to save it , but it was too far gone . When the trees were taken down , a neighbor from across the street came over and told us she never realized that there was a 3 bay garage sitting behind the trees . She 's lived here since 1954 , visited the home many times , but always used the front door , never visiting the back yard . The fact that she couldn 't see the garage when it sits directly across from her house , gives you an idea of how crowded this was with trees . Taking down the trees was not something we did without a lot of thought . I love trees . Big , small , I like them all … well maybe I can do without the sumacs growing too close too our fence , they do make such a mess and can be so invasive , spreading on their own very quickly . But , I do know that eventually a tree will die and these were dead or dying trees dropping branches on windy days , a dangerous situation . I felt a little sad when we removed those great giants and felt bad again when a maple tree across the street was removed a couple of days ago . Why they didn 't just remove the damaged limbs and try to save the tree , I don 't know . The owner of the property didn 't seem to mind , he may have asked them to do it . Some of the it was indeed in bad shape , but most of the tree was fine . When I saw the sections of the tree on the ground bleeding sap , I had to turn away . We planted the Yoshino Cherries about 11 years ago after the large maples were removed . We never thought they 'd get this big . They have pale pink blooms and can be seen as soon as you turn the corner way down the street , makes me smile when I come home . The Weeping Cherry is a later addition and it 's not supposed to get any bigger . I had better not since it is planted between the Yoshinos and the River Birch we added to replace the maples along the side when our neighbors complained we 'd removed their source of shade . As the weeping Cherry matures it puts out more blooms , this year is the most we 've seen , love the color . Most of the other trees we planted since these have been more of the tall shrub variety , but last year we planted a Bing Cherry tree and a Gala Apple tree . They both survived the winter and I almost did a Happy Dance when I saw that the Bing Cherry trees had blossoms ! We are considering moving some day . . just so many stairs in this house … but … when I think of leaving behind the trees and the many plants we 've put in … shudder .
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" How about two Fridays from now ? " Why can 't we get our calendars to stop fighting so we can drink coffee ? Eventually , one calendar wins . Coffee arrives . What starts as coffee with a good friend ends as vision . Always does . Soon , note pads , pens , Macs , iPhones and iPads clutter the table , pushing our freakishly healthy foods aside . Usually when two or more teachers are in the room , venting begins . Bitching even . Everyone opens the valve a little . My husband doesn 't understand this . He wonders why teachers bitch . He hates it . He won 't go to " teacher things . " " It 's not bitching , " I explain , " It 's ' looking for solutions . ' " Sure , there are People Who Bitch . They 're the ones speaking negatively about others - students , colleagues , and leadership . When good teachers gather , it 's not bitching . It 's seeking answers for real problems . When the fixes are out of reach , there 's frustration . Especially when frustration takes good people down . " I 'll never go back into the classroom , " I hear it more and more . " I can 't do all this testing and stuff . " People go into leadership , guidance , or whatever because , they say , they 're " done with the classroom . " Others - good people - jump into those roles to save the world , finding windmills to fight on that side of the fence , too . " This isn 't for me . I 'm no good . Didn 't realize it would be this way - I wanted to change lives , not tabulate test scores . " That was roughly the quote I got from someone leaving the profession - literally , box in hand . Midyear . Good teachers fear tests and evals . Sure , accountability 's in every profession . Can we do it better though ? I heard Steve Blank talk at last year 's Business Innovation Factory conference . " Fire the idea , not the person , " he said . His thoughts were simple . Sometimes you need to fire the idea , not the person , he said . Run the numbers without blame . Then fix the problems . Getting rid of judgment helps people be objective and take risks . Risks produce results . Taking risks in education can get a person low scores , though , so there 's fear . Vision , luckily , is found in a cup of coffee with a friend . It pours out our hearts into the vortices swirling throughout the mugs into reality . All the little things mixing and colliding in the swirls … that 's the vision . Every sip , gulp , cup waiting for a sip - vision . Leaving the cup on the counter to go cold is missing the possibilities - so easy to do when rushing around . Steam goes uncaptured into the universe . Vision lost . But sitting with my friend , vision pushes aside inconsequential girl talk . It says things like , " Sounds like you might consider , " and " That happens to me . I 've tried … " or " I notice you write a lot about this , but I 'd really like to read it if you wrote this … " or " I 'd buy that idea … " Every single time I meet Vision Friend , I leave with a dozen working plans . On a good day , I have pages of notes . On a crazy day , we 've got blogs , businesses , books , and concepts racing around the room trying to get to the finish line first so we might convert them to reality . Vision conquers fear . And accountability defeats complacency . Inaction . Inertia . This is why vision needs company . It needs someone to say , " Hey , you told me you were going to … . how 's that going ? " Otherwise , we 're tempted to " forget " we promised to do something , and vision dies . Vision often requires courage , support , and the swirly things in a cup of coffee to produce results . Follow - through . Reality . I know vision 's in the room when my heart leaps just a bit and the notepad comes out . The more I surround myself with friends who make my heart leap just a bit and pages fill on notepad , the better I become . I want to be better . And I want to make other people feel that they are better for having known me . It 's a simple goal . One I hope I can meet . I think I can , if I have just one more cup of coffee … with my good friend . Our advisory has breakfast on Fridays . We take turns bringing in " food , " a . k . a donuts . I make jokes that there 's no police academy nearby , eat healthy food . I promise vats of scotch - oats or flaxseed muffins when it 's my turn . But , as adults wearing many hats are wont to do , I got lazy . I sat on my organic food - loving behind . I didn 't make flaxseed muffins . " A dozen donuts , please , and a large coffee . " Donut man disappeared to bake each of the 12 donuts I requested . Or perhaps he had to finish growing and grinding the wheat . The man behind me in line began to shift his weight and the woman behind him looked at her watch . Twice . Because the person behind the counter moves just a little bit faster when you look twice . I shouldn 't go out for coffee when I 'm running late . It 's the universe telling me to be patient . Or drink less coffee . Or leave earlier . Or to stop being a jerk . But I use it as exercise in meditation and peace . As Donut Man mixed the batter for my last donut , I began to feel guilty . Both about feeding my students crap , and for holding up the great American workforce . " Sorry to be that idiot ordering eighty - five things when you 're running late for work . " The woman looked up . I explained . " I 'm getting my class donuts . I wanted to bake them flaxseed muffins . Healthier . " She smiled - said how good those muffins would 've been and kids need more people who care . I didn 't think I cared very much , feeding them processed flour and sugar before six other people had to teach them . I thanked her anyway . " I remember those years , " she told me . " My daughter 's a teacher now . I remember the only time we knew what was going on with each other was during family dinner . We stopped everything . No phones . We had dinner and asked how each other 's day was . Too many families have to rush , work , and kids pop things in microwave . That 's why they eat poorly . " I was about to say that they eat poorly because they have teachers who feed them donuts , but now I 'm feeling guiltier that I don 't have enough sit down family dinners than I am about the donuts . We used to sit down to dinner together , too , with no phones . Cell phones weren 't invented , and no friends would dare call during The Dinner Hour . But then high school came and everyone went their own way for activities . By then , microwaves had been invented . And so we , too , popped something in . Had I known how cutting edge we were , both on the microwave front and in destroying the family dinner , I might 've been proud . Instead , I turned out to be an adult who taught kids it was okay to have donuts for breakfast . Instead of caving to the guilt , I finished my conversation , thanked Donut Guy for the donuts and coffee thoughtfully prepared , and wished watch lady a great Friday . I was glad for the pleasant conversation . I left with a smile , entered my car with a smile , and entered class - with a smile . And donuts . It was nice connecting in the middle of the pre - work rush . Sometimes all we need is a connection . A smile that says , " I 'm glad you 're here " instead of rushing around in life . It makes a difference . Connecting is the magic that holds the universe together . Sometimes I forget - whether it 's a family dinner , a group of kids grateful for someone who cared enough to pollute them with donuts , or a smile in the coffee line , but it 's the critical glue . Without glue , things fall apart . Posted on February 12 , 2014 by cafecasey Reply I 'm looking at everyone 's profile pictures . They 're all rock stars with awesome pictures - pictures of hair blowing in slow - mo , light hitting unblemished faces in just the right way . Pictures of scaling Mount Everest . Pictures of scuba diving , standing in front of race cars , meeting Clint Eastwood … My picture , for years , was me on a rock wall with Declan . I didn 't have a rock star picture , so I picked a picture of a rock instead . One that looked intentional , like I left my rock star picture at home because I was cool . It was far enough away to hide my imperfections - slightly bigger than a spec , yet not big enough to pick me out of a police lineup . Certainly not big enough to see that don 't photograph well . That I wasn 't beautiful . Don 't get me wrong . I 'm okay with average . I have redeeming qualities even if my picture isn 't beautiful . Even if I don 't radiate " superstar . " I 'm an okay human being . A human being , however , who really did need a better profile picture . " Please send a professional head shot … " I guess The Rock didn 't work . Try hard to look passable at least , professional at best if supermodel 's off the table . I picked a happy day . I smiled at my iPhone . Click . Done . The other day , my students hijacked my class for their Genius Hour project . It 's a Design Your Own Project that connects their passions with a spirit of entrepreneurship and a quest to save the world . These students transformed a buzzword - bullying - into a multimedia presentation that gave me goosebumps . At the end , I thought , " How can we let what another says define us ? Why am I not " beautiful ? " Because someone told me in high school ? Because they nicknamed me ' Ultragorgon ' after our unit on Greek mythology , wrote it in my yearbook , weren 't nice , and a quarter century later I like myself just fine but the idea that I could be beautiful never crossed my mind ? Why does a fifteen - year old girl feel like a slut because someone said she was on Facebook or Twitter ? Why would a kid shut down in the face of taunting rather than say " I 'm awesome , " and walk on by ? Transcend ? Why would a teen say , " My life has no value ? I want to die . " Teens say adults say , " Don 't worry about it , ignore them . " Then we , the adults , go about our real adult business , stressing because people aren 't nice to us , office politics stabs us in the back , or the clerk at the grocery store gave us The Eye . And that sets the tone for our day . But that 's different . We are in the real world where life really matters . I tell the teens they 're amazing , and I 'm sorry that every individual in the universe doesn 't always agree , but they have this group of friends right here , now , and they must first love themselves regardless of what the world thinks . They must learn to deal with " crappy people . " They must know they are great . These are important lessons to preach . And even more important to practice . After watching their presentation , I decided I 'm pretty darned good at the preaching part , but the practice … I 'll improve . Posted on February 6 , 2014 by cafecasey Reply They looked at me . " How long 's this gotta be ? " It was the midterm essay . " As long as it takes to be informative . And interesting - don 't put me to sleep … I only write zeroes when I 'm asleep . " Actually , it 's a puddle of drool . " How many paragraphs ? " We train them to write paragraphs and fill in circle tests . I hate the five - paragraph essay . What if I need six ? Or forty - two ? Or one ? I have a piece of Russian literature that has a twelve - paged paragraph , so no one better ask the followup " How long 's a paragraph ? " Yet someone does . I walk over to some boxes and open one . It contains a five - foot blank scroll . I hold up the scroll . " About this long . Want to read ? " " Here 's the thing . I write a lot . I know a lot of big words . If I use all my big words in a paragraph will you read it ? " " Great feedback . " Never ask kids . They 'll tell you . " Well , I used to research academic material … things only five people in the world cared about . When we met , we 'd high - five each other and have a good old time … But nobody read my stuff . Ever . Now , I write differently . From the heart . No showing off . No big words without a reason . No extra paragraphs . I even use … sentence fragments . And you know what ? People read it . What 's that tell you ? " " No . It tells you that if you want people to read your stuff , you have to write for them in a way they want to read . Who goes online and reads five - paragraph essays ? " No hands . " Then why are you writing them ? " I assure them there will be consequences if they say I said never to write five - paragraph essays . " The point is , write for your audience . I learned the hard way . I took a beating learning this . Just do it . Write what you love in a way you 'd want to read . " Everyone decides that the prompts are , in fact , halfway decent , and they get started . I put away the scroll . Posted on February 5 , 2014 by cafecasey 6 Last night was our second parent night . I feel honored when families take the time to come see me . Anyone drives a couple of towns to pay respects to a child 's education is someone for whom I 'm very grateful . Many can 't come - parents who work or care for others , or have to put little , little children to bed . I try not to bring Declan to night events . It 's tempting disaster taking him out that late in the evening - I appreciate brave parents who bring little children even more . It 's a real effort . It 's why schools have to make every event for families productive - not just five minutes of face time that could better be served with Face Time , but events that build the community and climate of the school . At our school , we 're starting to get more and more of these types of events - things that generate buzz and bring everyone together . Schools that do this well report amazing things . I don 't know what the stats are in terms of test scores and such but the climate and happiness factor increase exponentially - the weight is taken off the parent , the school , and the student - it 's shared equally . A three - legged stool never falls . A pogo stick does . " Before I go , " said one mom , " I just wanted to take the time to thank you . Elementary teachers receive a lot of appreciation . High school teachers do not . I really appreciate what you do . " She handed me a gift card for coffee with a fancy sticky note that expressed her sincere appreciation . I was so touched - she was right . This appreciation will warm my soul long after the duration of the coffee . Gifts are not part of the high school culture , so much so , I nearly ruined my son 's gift giving experience by not preparing to give gifts in his elementary school . In high schools , we don 't always take the time to properly express appreciation . I have one colleague who makes it part of an exercise for students to write thank you cards to any teacher they want . I get some of these cards , and feel like I 'm winning the lottery . We should make appreciation a measured data point on standardized tests . If appreciation was a test score , I bet we would put it right the curricula . Truth is , we could all use a bit more practice on this one . I think of the times I 've failed to appreciate my family , colleagues , friends , or even the hard work I do myself . If it were measured on my evaluation , I 'd learn to get it right . One day , I read this James Altucher post , where he discusses how he saved the global economy with chocolate . I 'll admit , that 's a tall order . I had doubts . Turns out , he stood outside the stock market exchange giving out chocolate during the market crash . There was a decided lack of morale during that period where everyone wondered if financial life as they knew it would end - I remember it well , because I was wondering the same thing , just far away , so I he didn 't give me a chocolate bar . I decided I 'd steal the idea with very little attribution . I distributed Hershey bars on the Ides of March - the day a person is most likely to be stabbed in the back by someone - life , a good friend , The Man . Could chocolate raise morale in education - the field with the highest burnout rate in the nation ? It did . I saw people I didn 't even know I still worked with . I reconnected . We smiled . I got hugs . Turns out it 's not about chocolate or coffee - I 'd have felt the same glow in my soul if that mom said what she said and handed me a post it note alone . Or even nothing . It 's about appreciation . Gratitude . Taking the time to recognize the work , life , humanness of the person on the other side of the conversation rather than rushing through the paces in an overloaded day so we can go home , get some sleep , and rush through tomorrow . It 's not easy . But it needs to be said once in a while . I really appreciate the parents who entrust me with their kids - even if it 's just because we all need a break from our own . I appreciate the chance to make a difference in a single life , or in education in general . I appreciate that somehow , somewhere in the universe , there 's someone doing something great in life , and that I got a chance to be a part of it . And I appreciate those who did it for me . My kid loves money . He loves money more than the federal government does . He walks around playing with his money . Talking to it , putting it in containers and carrying it with him . Last night he was watching movies with his money - he sat on top of it in a laundry basket so he " could be close to it . " I try to take it away but he finds it . He puts his money in a satchel slings it over his back , walking around like a robber baron . The other day I walked in on him stacking his dollars and throwing them in the air . " Wheeeee ! ! ! ! I 'm RICH ! " " Well , being rich means you have what you need . " I said . " That you have a family who loves you and feeds you good food , and you 're healthy and happy . " " That 's not rich , Mommy . That 's just silly . I love you , Mommy . " He continued restacking and throwing dollars . " Wheeeee ! ! ! ! ! " I left to make dinner . I 've never had this relationship with money . I 've rolled money , counted money , saved it like a miser , and taken it to the bank . I 've prayed over money , hoping it would multiply so I could afford groceries . I 've used it to pay bills . I 've even given it away to others who were praying over their money . I 've never thrown it into the air . I don 't know whether I should take the money away at night and deposit in the bank by force . He doesn 't have a bank account yet anyway - when I went , they asked me for eighteen documents and a blood sample for the FBI to crosscheck against potential terrorists and money launderers . There was that dollar I picked out of his pants in the wash , and he is a terror at home … " Ain 't nobody got time for this … " I put his money in my account and went home . He needs his own account so he can save all his pennies for a college he ultimately won 't be able to afford . He cries when I suggest it . He tells me he loves his money . I say that if he brings his money to the bank , they 'll give him more money . I explain compound interest , but the fact that the " more money " will also be in the bank is too much . He says no . He needs to be with his cash . Money flowing in wire cables isn 't his thing . He 's lobbying for the gold standard . Like the government , I take his money a bit at a time when he 's not looking . It 's not good for the Dyson . If he notices , I 'll tell him I paid his taxes . Last time I suggested the government needed their share , he picked up a broom . Shay 's Rebellion Part II . For now , I let him play with his money . In about a year or two , I 'll roll it up and buy a penny stock or let him start his first company . We 'll see how he does . I think he has a nice career ahead of him . Better to start thinking about what his money can do for him now , rather than throwing it in the air . That way , he 'll be two decades ahead of his peers , and he won 't have to worry about whether he can afford college . It 'll be a moot point . Posted on January 31 , 2014 by cafecasey 3 I woke from a nightmare . I was taking standardized tests . I bombed . I 'm glad it was a dream . It 's standardized test season , a time that strikes more fear in the hearts of schools than a life - sized poster of the Bieber mug shot . Everyone 's defined by these numbers . The media has a frenzy like Discovery Channel 's Shark Week . We say we want schools to succeed but it 's completely untrue . Let 's be honest . We want to see blood . It 's a proven fact that Americans produce , consume , and enjoy more bad news than ever . My friend designed a blog dedicated to good news in education . She doesn 't have as many readers as a news story about drama , destruction , and gore . It 's what America wants . So , just to prove pundits wrong , teachers spend our valuable time compiling numbers to show our students are learning . I 've spent an entire year this year logging numbers in spreadsheets . My husband laughs at me and calls me a bean counter . I 'm a historian . I 'd rather tell you the history of beans than count them - I 'm not very good at that . Anyway , numbers can prove anything , depending on what we want them to show . I recently read this TechCrunch article where Facebook and Princeton duke it out using big words and math nobody can understand . Princeton intellects prove Facebook 's about to die and Facebook retaliates by showing on graphs and charts that in five years , Princeton will have no students . And it 's all " good " math . What it shows is this - I should stop worrying about all these numbers that affect my life and start graphing . Do it in color to boot . In my first job , I prepared diagrams for arbitrations . This was before cool computer programs , so I 'd sit down with rulers and colored pencils . Nobody else used colored pencils . I rarely , if ever , lost an arbitration . The key to life is colored pencils . When people see pretty things on paper , they are always predisposed to nod and say , " Yeah … " and agree . I have to make my numbers look pretty . And use colors in my graphs . Incidentally , this is why I spend so much time teaching my students to detect bias . I wish our educational system wasn 't based on testing and numbers . It 's hard to look at a student and say " Well … you look like an 85 … . Yes , you , indeed are a 92 . " I 've had smart students miss midterms and had to give them zeroes , as if that one grade made all the difference in their success . It does to the grade book , however . So , back to my nightmare . I have taken every standardized test alive . I sort of enjoy them because I didn 't grow up with video games . SATs were the nerd way of beating our friends . I enjoyed the idea that someone out there was trying to defeat me and I had to stop them . Nerd " video " games . But I fell asleep on section three every time . The silence . The lack of communication . It was like meditation with multiple choice questions . Trivia questions . I fought sleep … then … out cold , drooling . But I always scored well . I wondered what I 'd have scored if I stayed awake . The point is , test numbers aren 't a solid measure any more than Facebook or Princeton 's predictions . I don 't like basing graduation or teacher careers on them . Vision . Creativity . The ability to work and stick with a problem until it 's solved - the recognition that learning has changed and that students have the power to blow things out of the water and follow their passions . All I do is connect it to success . I 'm the guide , not Alex Trebec . If students have those three things they are well on the road to amazing . In my dream , I failed the standardized test . In real life , if every adult out there took these standardized tests , I think the media would have fun . It 'd show I 've forgotten all the trivia that once made me great . Made me able to defeat tests even while half asleep . I bet we all have , but we 're still successful . I am . I do a lot , and I like the person I 've become . But if you give me that test , the numbers will show you I suck . So today , I pause for a moment to tell students how awesome they are . " You are not defined by the numbers . You are defined by you . Do the work . Stop at nothing to keep learning things you are passionate about - for your whole entire life . Be great … No , don 't be great . Be amazing . Regardless of what the numbers told you you 'd become . " [ image : valdosta . edu ] Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :
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Archive | acceptance For the Love of the Ocean By Sigal Tzoore on June 3 , 2017 in acceptance , dreams , Gratitude , imagination , inspiration , Letting Go , Nature , perfection , Wildlife In my imagination , the ocean is a shadowy mosaic of colors and movement . Sharks dart around dark corners , hunting prey with single - minded ferocity . A red octopus slithers along the bottom , its tentacles sweeping the sand , its mind quiet , unwaveringly open to vibrations and sounds . Silvery fish hung motionless , perhaps swimming casually against a light stream . Dolphins frolic , and seal lions dive deep . The seaweed harbors secrets , and the coral swarms with life , while giant eels peer unhurriedly at the dark depths below the last touch of light . Deep in those canyons , blind sea creatures loiter near the bottomless - bottom of the ocean , while far above blue whales lumber light - weightedly from Mexico to Alaska , gulping at krill , spewing out salty water , confident in their huge , magnificent size . The ocean is the last great mystery on earth , a mystery which covers 70 % of our world . To this day , we have explored less than 5 % of it . " A troubling nautical reality , " the National Geographic calls it in an article from 2005 , referring to an accident in which a submarine crashed into an unknown underwater mountain . Several submariners were wounded in this accident and one killed . Even safety aside , we humans are fascinated by the ocean , by the yet - unknown but easily imagined uses we could make of it , the wealth of both money and progress we could gain . From mining , drilling , fishing , and shipping , to building floating solar farms , offshore wind turbines , and possibly floating cities , our collective human imagination is ready to expand into the ocean , uncover its secrets , and stop this wasteful and ignorant underutilization of its resources . At Sunset Beach , I look out toward the uninterrupted horizon and imagine the pods of dolphins which I cannot see . The ocean seems simultaneously empty and full , incomprehensibly vast , compelling and dull all at once . I have no interest in taking a cruise or leaving on a year - long yacht voyage to the West Indies . My weak eyes prevent me from taking up diving , but the truth is that this hobby was never a yearning or a desire I had to have . I peek , that is all , into this tiny , limited corner of the ocean and enjoy far more the sight of sanderlings running in and out of the reach of waves , the rare snowy plover pecking in the wet sand , the gulls staring at me , unmoving , through one eye . I love watching pelicans nonchalantly skim the tips of waves as they glide in a line , like ocean liners with wings . And I laugh whenever I get a glimpse of a cormorant drying its wings . I am a land woman . I like feeling the ground beneath my feet . I like the stability of a non - earthquake - moving earth , the grounding of it , the safety . The ocean feels to me dangerous and foreign , uncontrollable and unexpected , predatory and forever wild . I am content to let is stay unexplored and unmapped . The United States has over 95 thousand miles of shoreline . The number continually changes and shifts with the tides , with erosion , with landslides , hurricanes - the forces of human development and nature combined . As a nation , we exercise control over the water of the ocean that are by our coast , to the distance of 12 nautical miles from the shore . The first three miles are under state control , the rest under federal . But we also exercise economic control over more than that , up to 200 nautical miles from our shore , what is called the Exclusive Economic Zone , or EEZ . According to the United Nations Convention on the Law of the Sea , " coastal nations have sovereign rights to explore , exploit , conserve , and manage marine resources and assert jurisdiction over : i . the establishment and use of artificial islands , installations and structures ; ii . marine scientific research ; and iii . the protection and preservation of the marine environment . " There are rules defining every aspect of the exploration , exploitation , conservation and management of the marine environment , but as always happens with human language , those are subject to interpretation , or , we could almost say , the rules themselves are subject to being explored , exploited , and managed , depending on the wishes and desires of whoever is in control . It has been a few weeks now since I committed to writing an article on off - shore drilling off the California Coast for the Loma Prieta eNewsletter , and I 've been progressing at the rate of an old and decrepit sea - slug . I 've interviewed two people , discovering the depth and breath - taking breadth of this subject . I read articles and took notes . And yet the writing itself fumbles , grinds to a stop . Guilt bubbles in me for neglecting this assignment , for postponing writing about this important and time - sensitive issue . I yearn to write , and yet I can 't . I sit , and the words do not come . And then , like lava boiling deep in an ocean trench and hitting the coldness of water that has never seen the sun , fear and pain rush into me . Fear and pain for our ocean and the creatures who live in it and over the development already done and already contemplated . Fear and pain for the impact our actions on land , even far from the coastline , have on the corals , the water , and the aquatic magnificent life . And I realize I have counted on the ocean remaining apart , untouched . Ever mysterious and wild . I imagined , like the incorrect image of an ostrich hiding its head in the sand , the the ocean can stay safe from the long - reaching human hand . Joanna Macy , environmentalist , activist , Buddhist scholar and teacher , says we must walk the razor - blade edge between hope and despair , that we must act to protect our world without needing hope and without heeding despair . Bringing gratitude in to strengthen us , she opens the door for the pain to come , allowing us , as a result , to see our place in the world and our duty to it with new eyes , inspiring us to the fourth step : action for the world . Having jumped directly into unexpected and unexplored pain , I am frozen from action . Sadness flows and ebbs in me like the tides . Fear rolls me over and around , crashing into me like a tsunami . Knowing the ocean is in danger , has been in danger since long before I was born , liquidates the stable ground beneath my feet , and my mind , as yet not well - trained , needs to be wrenched away and forced … On a boat back from the Channel Islands , seeing a Blue Whale rising up from the ocean and diving in again . A single sighting . A miracle . My breath taken away . Open - mouthed , momentarily torn between the California zebra and the feeding humpbacked whales just below Hurst Castle . The whales win hands - down . It 's a much better show . And as I write , my heart eases . Not yet able to handle the pain , but calmer , I take a deep breath . There is much to be loved , much to be appreciated , and yes , still much to be saved . 0 A Year to Life - Day 343 - The Strenuous Life By Sigal Tzoore on March 14 , 2016 in A Year to Live , acceptance , Letting Go , The strenuous life , Theodore Roosevelt This fall , I took an Intro to Park Management class at a local community college , thinking that I might get back to my youthful dream of becoming a ranger . Already in the first meeting , I knew I was in the right place . The class was not only fascinating , but inspiring as well . I got the impression that no matter their age , the teacher believed in each student 's ability to find work in public land management . The class introduced me to an entire world of history , politics , literature and art that has to do with our public lands . I was fascinated , scribbling down each book recommendation the teacher mentioned and then reading them one by one . My favorite , so far , is Wilderness Warrior by Douglas Brinkley , an environmental biography of Theodore Roosevelt . Roosevelt was an avid hunter and naturalist , a champion of land - and - wildlife preservation and conservation . During his presidency , he set aside nearly 230 million acres under federal protection in 150 national forests , the first 51 federal bird reserves , 5 national parks , the first 18 national monuments , and the first 4 national game preserves . In 60 years of life , Roosevelt was active not only on the conservation front . He was a prolific author , a dedicated letter writer ( who wrote an estimated 150 thousand letters ) , social activist , military leader , adventurous explorer , rancher , nobel peace prize winner , and more . The strenuous life , I confess , is also the life I had always wanted to live . Roosevelt described it : “… the higher life , the life of aspiration , of toil and risk … . " Roosevelt 's address , intended to raise public support for war in the Philippines , would have stirred the 18 - year - old me to the core . I too believed in public service to one 's country . I did not yet think of war as something to be avoided , but as an opportunity for glory , heroism , and self sacrifice . I longed to live the strenuous life , to prove myself worthy . As Roosevelt said in his speech : " We do not admire the man of timid peace . We admire the man who embodies victorious effort . " I , too , wished to be that man … or , er , that woman . Some historians believe now that Roosevelt 's energy came from having had bipolar disorder - without ever suffering from the depression side . To me , whether Roosevelt 's energy was due to a mental disorder may or may not be an important point . I recognize in Roosevelt 's philosophy the highest ideal which I have placed before my eyes throughout my life . Knowing that this philosophy may be what we could call insane is a moot point . Most of our beliefs , after all , tend to seem illogical , unreasonable , even crazy to other people , but that doesn 't mean it 's easy to stop believing in them . As a society both Israelis and Americans seem to live a life of yearning for this principle , that work will save us , that work is the highest ideal of all . I have lately developed the belief that a lot of my suffering is caused by putting work , or the strenuous life , if you will , up on a pedestal . The other day , my therapist said that rather than try to let go of always pushing myself to be doing more ( and thinking I was never enough ) , I needed to accept the part who always pushes me to be doing more . Perhaps for affection 's sake , I should name that part Teddy , to remind myself that it is just a part , not all of me , who wants to live this strenuous life . And it is not all of me . There are parts of me who long for peace and ease , for acceptance of things as they are . There are parts of me who are overwhelmed by this constant pushing for more and are feeling mowed over and need a break from all this doing in order to figure out what , if anything , wants to be done . Practicing life in the face of " A Year to Live , " I find myself less willing to rush and more interested in savoring . I find myself wanting to cherish moments rather than chase through them . I begin to understand that living this year as though it is my last is not about doing more , or doing at all . As a beginning , at least , it is about understanding that nothing needs to be changed , and that my life is right and whole just as it is . In a way , the bucket list can wait for after my death . For now , I 'm just going to live as though I am , in fact , going to live today . My daughter had the day off on Friday , and this meant I had a little more time in my usually - hurried - and - stressed - out morning . Most weekdays , but especially on Tuesday when both kids need lunches , I often feel as though I am juggling pans , lunch boxes , chickens , dogs and my own needs under Jupiter - gravity conditions . On Friday , however , I leisurely set the alarm for a 45 - minute meditation . I could have found , all too easily , other chores in the house that needed attention , but I forcibly subdued the urge to get one more thing off my list . Don 't Just Do Something , Sit there , is the humorous title of one of Sylvia Boorstein 's meditation - instruction books . I made the conscious choice to just sit there and not do . When I came back to the kitchen 45 minutes later , however , my eyes fell on the to - do list , the one that 's been sitting on the counter for the past week . My heart sunk . That list 's been haunting me , remonstrating and reminding me I have not yet began to do several of the items on it . " When will you start ? " It harangued me . " When will you finish ? " And in an irritable tone : " You should have folded the laundry instead of sitting like some kind of bum . " Perhaps the meditation had worked it 's magic and my mind was clear enough to see this , but as I breathed in and out , the realization struck me like lightning : No matter how much I work on my to - do list , it will never be completely done . There will always be more items that can be added to it . Whether it is small daily tasks like walking the dogs , cleaning the chicken coop , and unloading the dishwasher , or larger one - time tasks like coordinating the 7th grade bake sale or finishing my Bridge to Emergency Medical Responder class , the to - do list will never , ever stand on zero items . Never . When people die , I often hear relatives speak about the unfinished business the deceased had left behind . Some times it 's a messy house which the children need to clean up , pack up and dispose of . Some times it 's the details of the burial or the inheritance . I too , if I died today , will have died before signing my new will , which I 'd been postponing for about a year now ( though it is ready and waiting for me to sign ) . I wonder , though : does anyone ever die with all their business done , all the bills paid off , all documents settled , all chores completed , every single loose end tied ? This past week felt very stressful to me . Hassled and harassed , no matter how much I did , there was always more to be done . Like a clown trying to keep all the juggling balls in the air , I strove to extend my arms so I could reach all the chores at once . There may be times , I suppose , when it really is necessary to juggle more than one task at a time . Often , however , I wonder what is making me feel this desperate - and - all - encompassing need to " get things done . " What will happen if some balls / tasks were never picked up ? What would happen if I picked some up and then dropped them ? What would happen if someone else picked up a ball that I dropped ? Will these be the big disasters I expect ? The clues to my struggle with the doing / non - doing are rooted deep in my cultural heritage . My maternal great - grandparents arrived in Israel with the reactionary immigration wave known as the Second Aliyah . These immigrants arrived steeped in socialist - zionist ideology , and many of their ways of seeing the world have lasted to the 21st century , creating the cultural environment , moral values and religious ethics with which I grew up . The Second Aliyah Jews believed in becoming a new kind of Jew whose spirituality was tied up with working the land . This belief , expounded by A . D . Gordon in the early part of the 20th century , eventually came to be called " the religion of labor . " If getting things done is akin to religious dogma , small wonder that I struggle so much with how much I get done . If I believe in the absolute truth of Doing , then even my just sitting there in meditation must show concrete results and consequences . Rest is dangerous . A nap is mortal sin . Letting someone else do my job is opening the door to the devil and all his brood . And after all these words that I 've just piled , I realize only three matter in the end : compassion and non - judgement . These words offer not a solution , but a truce of sorts : Can I be with the pain of the conflict between how I 've been raised and how I choose to live my life without judging myself ? Can I look on with compassion at all the tasks still gobbling up the space on the to - do list ? And when I cannot take better care of myself in the midst of all these judgements and tasks , can I at least be compassionate for and not judge that ? Till the last few days , I had never before considered the possibility that every birthday could be my last . Like many people 's , my birthday is a sensitive subject . While I hadn 't really obsessed much about my age since my 19th birthday ( when I felt hit by the realization that I was leaving my childhood behind ) , my birthdays have become for me a symbol of appreciation and love . Or , more often ( and whiningly so ) , the lack thereof . When the children were younger , and after my divorce , I made up my mind to treat my birthday as an opportunity to show kindness and love to others . I was disgusted by and impatient of what I considered my unhealthy habit of looking for love outside of myself . Instead , I reasoned , I would radiate love out . This brought about several years in which rather than expect gifts for myself , I shopped extensively for gifts that would bring pleasure and love for the kids . Rather than dream about waking up the morning of my birthday to my own surprise table full of gifts and treats , I decorated the house and created a surprise table for the kids . In the last few years , however , a new factor was brought into my tenuous status - quo with this need to be loved . This factor was a new boyfriend , and one , moreover , who showed himself right from the start as considerate , thoughtful , and prone to giving gifts . On our second date ( which was on a Christmas Eve ) , Dar showed up with a ribboned and wrapped box containing a Spot device ( a device that helps locate lost hikers ) , the perfect gift for an avid hiker . For our third date , he showed up with chocolate - covered strawberries which he made himself ( I had told him they were my favorites ) . For Valentine 's Day , he gave me two bouquets of flowers . One was a bouquet of pink tulips , I think . I loved that one . For my 39th birthday , Dar gave me several gifts . One , I remember , was the most elaborate box of chocolates I have ever seen . The chocolates came in a pink ruffled box that I still keep . Can you blame me if my expectations , after this beginning , reached an almost hysterical peak ? Add to this my 40th birthday , the next year , which included two birthday cakes ( one baked and hand - decorated by a friend 's talented daughter ) and a cartoon artist who drew the guests . My 44th birthday is coming up in a few days , and even before I figured out that it was going to be my last , I 'd been thinking what I could do to make this birthday different . I tried to see my patterns of behavior that lead me again and again to be afraid of asking for what I need , instead trying to please the rest of the family with my choices as to how to spend my birthday . If it was really and only up to me , after all , we 'd spend my birthday camping out for a night somewhere in the wilderness . ( Eden : " NOOOO ! " Uri : " No way . Do it on your own time , " and , " Even Dar doesn 't want to go with you " ) . Every year I try to find something to do which , heaven help us , everyone might enjoy , and every year it looks like my best efforts do not pay off . Not to mention , in addition to this , the small voice in my head which says : " Why are they not planning my birthday ? Why are they not trying to please ME for a change ? " I 'm not sure this birthday is going to be all that different , except , perhaps , in my own mind . The gifts for my three important people are already piling up in a secret location in the bedroom . I 've also decided to decorate the house - I deserve it , after all , just as much as they do . I 've made a reservation for fondue at a restaurant which pretty much we all like . What is different , however , is my acute realization that this birthday might very well be my last . Of course , any birthday might be our last . The not - knowing the day of our death is built - in , unquestionably present every moment we are alive . For all I know , my last birthday may have been my 43rd - after all , like all of us , I am not really assured of surviving till February 20th , 2017 - I am only committing to live till then as though that day is my last . But if this coming birthday is the last birthday I am going to celebrate , I would like to give myself the gift of at least some of the time celebrating it the way I 'd like . Inside of me , I can just barely touch the well of sadness and anger about the way I 've let my other birthdays go , the way I never said what I needed , never expressed what I wished , never insisted , never taught the kids that my dreams too deserve to be a factor in our relationship . Instead , I 've been teaching them quite dramatically that a parent needs to live for his or her children . A part of me , in fact , still believes it . Any deviation from this belief is a huge struggle that I overcome only rarely , and only in bits . But the rational part of me , the part that thinks that , actually , I deserve to exist as a separate human being with her own needs and wishes and dreams , that part keeps saying : " Sigal , this belief is not the truth . " And it says : " You have to teach the kids that . You have to teach them to be free . " And it remarks , ironically : " In the hurry to teach them that they matter , you may have taught them that they won 't matter when they 're adults . " On Wednesday next week , in honor of my 44th birthday , I have taken the day off , and I am going to head up to my most beloved park to check out the wildflowers . I haven 't been up there in a long time , and I 'm eager to revisit my favorite spots . In a five - hour hike , I will not be able to cover all thousands of acres of park , so many of which I know like the back of my hand , but I will be able to get a taste of wilderness . Later that day , we will go to fondue , and it will either be great , or it won 't . But in any case , the success of the dinner will not matter in the way it usually does , because I will have already celebrated my birthday for myself earlier that day in the park I love . On Tuesday , I went for a hike with a new friend , J - N , who I met that morning for the first time . We were supposed to hike with another woman , a mutual friend , but since she couldn 't come , J - N and I found ourselves in the funny position of meeting for a hike without ever having seen each other before . Despite our lack of familiarity with each other , we quickly dove into the depths of a rather personal conversation . From talking about love of the outdoors , to sharing how we met our life 's partners , we soon progressed to speaking about life itself , and through that , to my year to live and my death in ( now ) 361 days . As we talked and walked , I found myself time and again complaining about grievances from my past . " Wow , I am still bearing a grudge , " I commented each time , wondering at myself for my ultra - long memory in keeping resentments . I was carrying my usual , regular backpack , as I always do , but as one grudge after another flickered to life in my memory , it occurred to me that my physical backpack was not the only one I was carrying . There I was , in the greenness and beauty of a gloriously wild place , in the sunny clarity of a California summery winter day , carrying on my back a gaggle of grudges , seemingly without any intention to let them go . Our walk passed through rolling meadows , low oak forests , and inside the brim of a gorge almost completely overrun by fallen and uprooted trees and shrubs ( perhaps the result of the last storm ) . Still - green trees and shrubs lay in the path of the creek , creating what could almost be a dam , and we wondered what would happen in the creek bed when the rains came again . " Erosion , " J - N said , looking at the destruction around us . We couldn 't help but imagine the violence of the storms that brought about so much collapse , that worked their way by wind and water around the roots of these trees , till finally those mighty beings could hold onto the ground no more , and even they , the giants of the earth , succumbed to the inevitability of the circle of life . Grudges work the same way , I thought . They insidiously wear away at the foundations , exhausting good will , trust , and peace of mind . Even the tallest tree or the hardiest shrub cannot withstand the repeated corrosive efforts of resentment . I looked in the face of each one of my grudges as they came up , and I was surprised to see how little true emotion was left in them . Rather , these grudges I was holding onto , as though my world depended on them , were like a frayed tale , told so many times that it no longer held any meaning . " As you hike , " a friend once suggested a meditation , " imagine you are carrying with you a backpack filled with all your sorrows , upsets , ill will , and anger . While hiking up a mountain , pause once in a while , perhaps during switchbacks in the trail , and imagine yourself opening the backpack and taking something out . Leave these by the side of the trail , one at a time . You can always pick them up on your way back , if you need to , but perhaps by the time you hike down you will realize you no longer need those burdens you 've carried , and you can leave them there to be recycled back into the earth . " In these last 361 days which I have before I die , I would like to let go of as many grudges and resentments as I can . For a moment there , during my hike with J - N , I could see with utter clarity what it would be like not to carry these grudges anymore , to hike without the backpack of resentment . If you 've ever gone backpacking before , you know the relief of setting your pack down after a long day of hiking . The backpack , containing everything you need to live in the woods for a while , becomes a part of the body , turning you into a big turtle who is carrying its house . Setting it down is like a revelation , a release , a freedom that can only be experienced , impossible to describe . I have carried my grudges long . I have brought them with me so far . But now , I think , it is time to set them down , one at a time . Like ultra - light backpacking , or like John Muir hiking only with his tin cup and a blanket , so do I too wish to complete the journey of my life with as little baggage as I can . Whether this means forgiving myself , forgiving others , or begging others for their forgiveness , I am getting ready to step into the creek bed and allow the water and the wind to wear the foundations of my grudge - constructs down . These stories I 've been telling myself for so long , unlike the trees downed that I saw in my hike with J - N , were never really alive . It is time , as Jack Kornfield says , to let go of all hope of a better past . I like this idea . Wish me luck . 0 Simplifying the Complicated Life By Sigal Tzoore on December 8 , 2014 in acceptance , dreams , Family , inspiration , Letting Go , Love , meditation It 's 7 : 30am , and I 'm already tired . Partly it 's because I didn 't sleep well last night . You could say I was besieged by strange recurring dreams concerning gorillas and high schools . Since I 'm in the process of registering my son to high school , that might explain the second part , but I 'm still not sure about the gorillas . Partly , however , I 'm so tired because I 've contemplated my schedule this week , and I am dreading what I see . Ever since I 've come back from the meditation retreat in September , I 've become more aware of how overwhelmed I feel inside my own life . So much happens every day . I feel responsible for so many things and people . The driving … don 't get me started on the driving . And all of it , I confess , is by choice . My choice . And the question begs , if this chaos is my choice , why am I not choosing otherwise ? My brother - in - law once told me a story about a teacher 's example for good time management . The teacher placed a large glass vase on the table and fit large rocks inside , up to the top of the vase . He then asked the students if the vase was full . Yes , they answered . The teacher took smaller rocks and let them tumble into the spaces between the large rocks . Is the vase full now , he asked the students . Yes , they said . The teacher poured pebbles into the vase . How about now ? He asked . Yes . Then he poured in sand . Full ? The students , now wise , wondered if maybe not ? The teacher poured in water . Now the vase was truly full . The moral of the story was simple : we have to fill up our time with the biggest rocks first , what is most important , and only then down in size to the water . If we fill the vase with water first , then sand , then pebbles , we have no room for the big rocks . So what are my big rocks ? I always come back again and again to this question . The kids , of course , hiking and being outside , writing , spending time with Dar , my meditation and qigong . I also have smaller rocks that I do not wish to be without : reading , spending time with the dogs , cleaning for the chickens ( I know this sounds strange , but it actually makes me feel more connected to the essential me , the earth - me ) , making music , spending time with friends , connecting with my family , exercising . Then there are the things I do which are harder to classify : cooking , for example - is that a small rock or a pebble ? It is important to me to eat healthy and organic . I would prefer not to eat at restaurants , but cooking takes up so much time , seemingly more than its share in the order of importance . And , to make everything more complicated , it is also closely related to the much bigger rock of spending time with and still taking care of the kids , in , once again , two opposing forces . I guess some of my rocks are just not so black and white in the size department . Then there are other things , like doctors ' appointments , for example . If it was up to me , those would be sand , or maybe even water . But what if it 's a doctor 's appointment for the kids ? And paying my bills , whether sand , water or pebble , is essential to living an orderly and responsible life with direct implication to my peace of mind and the well - being of the kids , myself , and Dar . Unlike my brother - in - law 's story , I have not been able to find a way to make all of my rocks come together snugly in the vase of my life . It 's always an either / or . Either I take the kids to the dentist , or we can go home and spend time together . Either I cook dinner , or I help them with homework . Either I write or I go for a hike . It is always choice . I remember one of my first conversations with my therapist . I described to her all of these things which I would love to do and explained how if only I was more methodical , less lazy , more organized , more efficient , then I would be able to do all of them every day . Jeanne thought that it sounded exhausting . Sadly , she turns out to be right . As I am writing this , I am wondering if perhaps I could look a week in advance and schedule in some things which are important to me . I would love to write every day , but do I really need to hike every day ? Perhaps three times a week is enough , and perhaps I could assure myself of having that time by physically penciling it into my calendar ? Perhaps I could play the ukulele in the evening instead of the morning , freeing up an hour and sharing that activity with the kids ? That hour could be used to put in - between activities , for much needed pausing or , perhaps , for the laundry . I tend to agree about that for myself . Last year , a foolish Sigal . This year , no change . The more I live and the more I learn , the more I realize how little I know . I realize how some things which seemed so ultra - important to me in the past are not necessarily that important at all . I find myself getting back to the essential , that which truly is important to me : to love , to share that love with people around me , to be at peace and share that peace with people around me . Perhaps that , in truth , is my one big rock , living with the intention to love . Everything else , whether I hike or write , whether I play or talk on the phone , whether I answer email or water the plants - do these things ever truly matter if they are not done from the heart ? And is not even folding the laundry the most important thing , the biggest of all big rocks , if done with love ? 0 NaNo Update By Sigal Tzoore on November 9 , 2014 in acceptance , creativity , dreams , fairy tale , Letting Go , meditation , perfection , writing Today is day 8 of NaNoWriMo , and so far , so good , I 've been able to write 17 , 245 words . That 's an average of over 2 , 000 words a day ! I am making an effort to write first thing in the morning , when I 'm at my best and when I am less likely to be interrupted . Usually that means I am sitting here at my computer between 6 - 8am . I 've been writing and only writing , not reading over what I previously wrote , and I think this method is working well for me . If I start reading back at what I wrote before , my inner critic becomes engaged , and all of a sudden it is not about being creative but about excellence and perfection or , worse , embarrassment and shame . I find that I really work much better if the critic is off to the side , minding his own business . Every once in a while he rears up his head and comments on my progress , and I politely ask him to back off . I don 't need him right now . I want to allow the words , unhindered , to flow . I hope that when I am done with the first draft ( as I feel fairly confident I am going to do ) I can engage the services of my inner critic not as a critic but as a " feedbacker . " I think there 's a lot he can help me with , as long as he remembers that his job is to support and build and not to crush and shame . My cousin told me a good quote in Russian for this ( and I 'm using her translation ) : The first pancake always comes out in a ball . Similarly , I expect that this first draft is not going to be the end of the process . There 's going to be a second , and a third , and maybe a number twenty - third draft as well . There 's going to be revision . But the only way I can move from a ball to a beautiful pancake ready - to - be - served is with encouragement and love . It 's impossible to cook a nicely - shaped , yummy pancake - or a magical novel - with censure and hurt . Other than discovering that NaNoWriMo does in fact motivate me to write , I 've also noticed something else . I have more self discipline than I used to . I think all this meditation and qigong and Reiki practice is really paying off . I am better able to concentrate and to sit down for something that I know deep down inside to be very important to me . I am also , somehow , better able to let go . I put down the words , and whether or not the critic mumbles something from his place of semi - exile , I let my written words flow . There will be a time to review them later . Having written one novel before , even if I did decide , after who - knows - what - number version , to leave it , I feel both awed and overwhelmed by the thought of what comes after the first draft . I know the task that is ahead of me , and I know what it feels like to have put so much effort into something meaningful to me only to discover that it is just not going to bear fruit anytime soon . I try to let these thoughts go too . Right now there are only two things I am doing , and they are allowing the story to tell itself and myself to feel the fun of it without thinking too much ahead . Tomorrow I am going to a meditation daylong at Spirit Rock about releasing the inner critic . Very apropos , I think . I hope it will help with the writing as well . I have dreamed about writing a novel for so long , I 've written and hoped , cried , shut down , avoided writing for months and months , and then found myself trying again and again . A part of me wants so , so much for it to happen finally , but I 've decided to let go of expectations and hopes , and even of dreams . I have decided to let whatever happen , happen , and to stop interfering . Many years ago when I was a student at Stanford , one of my professors said to me that in order to write a doctorate you need to have a fire burning in you . For me , the fire has always been in writing a novel . Sometimes it was on low heat . Sometimes on high . But it was always there , burning away , sending desire after desire into the sky . So we will see , won 't we , what will come of this new endeavor , this new concept for my novel . I will keep you updated as I continue following the NaNo path . For now , all is well . I hope all 's well also in your life . 0 Tree Dharma By Sigal Tzoore on October 22 , 2014 in acceptance , inspiration , Letting Go , Reiki , writing One of the questions which often haunts me is what my purpose in life is . Is there a higher purpose ? Am I here , on this earth , for something specific , something special ? Am I meant to do something , or expected to do something , in order to fulfill a destiny ? This question somehow both attracts and repels me . I dislike ( and am ashamed of ) the feeling of ego that seems to me almost gelatinously attached to it , as though I am somehow unique or different from other people . At the same time , however , I long for a higher purpose , for meaning , in what I do and the way I live . Another problem with this obsession with a higher purpose , when combined with a thread of ( both inherited and nurtured ) over - achiever - ness , is that no matter what I do , I never feel it is enough unless it brings fame and fortune . This means , for example , that I can 't just write a book . It needs to be on the best seller list and change people 's lives . Not an easy task , to say the least , when you 've only got a few words on the page and are not quite sure where the plot and characters are going next . The other day , while talking about this higher purpose business , my IMC mentor asked me what I see when I look inside - what is most important to me in there . I looked inside myself , and a tree materialized , clear as day . " There is a tree inside me , " I answered . But how is a tree a higher purpose ? Can I connect it somehow to a higher purpose ? My thoughts churned : hiking , climbing , protecting nature , growing tall , expanding … . . aaaaaghhhhh ! Too much obsessing ! I like the idea of having a tree inside , of my essence being the essence of a tree , even if I am not sure I understand what it means . After all , I love trees . I hug trees . I kiss trees ( I really do ) . Then , on Sunday , at a group conversation about this subject at Insight Meditation Center , someone said , " A Tree does not feel the need to have a life purpose . " A part of me leaped at this sentence . Is it true ? It can 't be , I thought . A tree gives us and other animals food and shelter , shade , oxygen , a place to rest , an appreciation of beauty . What is more a purpose than that ? I started to play with this idea in my mind . Do peach trees feel superior somehow to a Joshua tree because they give fruit and can provide ( at least in the spring and summer ) more shade ? Or does a Joshua tree feel superior because , in the California desert , it is really the only tree there ? Do trees care about these gifts they give to us , or do they simply give them , without asking for either internal or external recognition ? And , if the essence of trees is also their higher purpose , could I apply it to my question by saying , what could be a better way to achieve a higher purpose than by simply being me ? Perhaps , after all , this is the difference between animals , plants and humans . We humans continually search for more . We don 't just write a book because we want to write a book . We write because we want other people to read it . We don 't just live our life - we continually seek to influence others , change others , make an impact . Trees breathe in CO2 and breathe out oxygen . They extend their limbs to the sun . In spring they renew their coat of leaves and in fall they drop them . They allow tiny blooms to blossom out and fruit to grow without a need for any to see or use them . If one blossom is never visited by a bee , the tree does not think it is a failure . If fruit drops on the ground uneaten , the tree doesn 't obsess about the waste . Whatever comes , comes . Whatever is , is . The tree , stoically , just " be " s . What I would like to happen , in all areas of my life , is exactly this : this calm , stoic , quintessential being . Writing a book because I want to write . Working with the Reiki because I wish to give Reiki . Spending time with the kids , with Dar , and the dogs because I wish to spend time with them . I wish for my higher purpose to be just being . No proving anything to anyone , no trying hard to be different or more than what I am . Just to be , happy with being what I am right here , right now . A tree . For most of my life , I never obsessed about my weight . This was partly due to the fact that I was extremely skinny as a child , and my grandmother , instead , obsessed about how little I ate . Even after I discovered food and began to eat a little better , I did not have to worry about my weight , because , of course , I had great metabolism ( whatever that really means ) , and I stayed wonderfully skinny . This lack of neurosis regarding my weight did not , unfortunately , translate into loving my body . I learned in geometry class about the difference between concave and convex , and realized , to my horror and dismay , that unlike the perfect female human body , I was cursed with a convex belly , while everyone else 's was concave . Fortunately for me , this brought about an attack of a desire to change this unacceptable phenomena , which led to a lifetime of abs work . My stomach remained convex ( more so now than ever ) , but it is likely that the stomach muscles beneath are holding me up till today . All this remained in something of a status quo until the kids , Dar and I went to Oregon this summer . Do you know that wonderful ( and true ) statement that says : what you don 't know can 't hurt you ? Well , during our visit to the Ducks ' Stadium ( initiated by Uri 's obsession with football - doesn 't he know he 's supposed to obsess about his body instead ? ) , Dar took my picture . From behind . With the Stadium in the ( near ) background . A completely harmless maneuver , you might think , and unlikely to cause any major upheavals in anyone 's life . That remained to be seen while we continued traveling through college - football Oregon , as we made our way back south through Ashland and Shasta , and all the way home , and to the computer , where the pictures were duly downloaded . As the aforementioned photo came into focus on my computer , I was struck by the realization that while I obsessed about the unwanted convexness or desired concaveness of my stomach , my behind had been busy with her own set of mathematical equations . In her case , exponential multiplication . Oh my god , how did my butt get to be larger than Ducks ' Stadium ? So large , in fact , that said stadium looks small and delicate in comparison , despite the fact that I remembered it large and tall ! When did this wholly unexpected enlargement occur ? And how come all my exercising did not help in keeping this unnaturally overgrown backside at least a little bit from its extreme , surprising , and unforeseen droop ? I once read a romance novel about a woman hiking guide . As her love interest watched her walking about for the first time , he commented on the heart - shape and tightness ( really ! ) of her behind as she walked , with the claim that it was the shape women 's tushies get because of all the hiking . As though the butt size and shape could tell him she 'd been hiking all her life ! Worst lie I ever heard ! ! ! Let me tell you , at age 42 , and after hiking like an obsessive madwoman for years now , all you get from this form of exercise is a big , droopy , and much more rectangular than heart - shaped somewhat flat pillow to sit on . That woman , in the book , must have stood in the butt line when god gave out bodies to people . I stood in the one for brains . So there ! The problem , however , remains . How can I leave the house again , now that the secret of what I look like behind is out , and I know exactly what the people behind me see when they look ahead ? Here , again , the fortune ( or misfortune ) of having a convex belly came to my assistance . After all , for years now , I 've been able to leave the house knowing what people see when they look at my front . Moreover , having stood in the line for brains ( at least somewhat early , even if not as early as some other people in my family , who really got a lot ) , I am aware of the fact that most of the world actually looks like me , and not like the pictures on Vogue or on television . So I 've been leaving the house since the summer , and , I 'll confess , most of the time I don 't even think of that large backside I 've developed over the years , and which , I suspect , is here to stay for all the ones to come . Yesterday , however , I went clothes shopping with Dar . I wanted something presentable to wear for today 's energy - work open house . And so , I found myself in one of those fitting rooms that has mirrors on all sides , to make sure you can see how fat and droopy all your parts look to other people - which , by the way , seems to me completely unnecessary , since aren 't I buying clothes for myself ? In any case , I found myself face - to - face with my butt . Somewhat like the president in Space Balls . Except now , I was prepared . Dar has already shown me what it looks like in the summer , so I couldn 't yell out : " Why didn 't anyone tell me my butt was so big ? " At night , lying in bed next to Dar , I complained about the injustice of having a bottom that is larger than Ducks ' Stadium . I paused dramatically to allow Dar time to disagree , or at least to enthusiastically disclaim . Nothing . I knew he was not sleeping yet , so I held my breath . Surely , now , he would say something . Perhaps : " I love your butt . " That would be acceptable . Or he could say , " Your butt looks totally heart - shaped to me . " Or maybe : " You have the cutest butt in the whole wide world and it 's not at all as large as the Ducks ' Stadium . " He 's in love , right ? Surely that 's how he sees me , butt and all ? The silence , however , continued to reign . He was not asleep . I knew that for sure . I could hear his uneven breathing ( even breathing , in case you never learned how to cheat your parents into thinking you 're asleep , is a good sign he 's asleep ) , and he wasn 't snoring yet . Which he does , by the way . Finally , the pressure got to me , and I started to giggle . Well , more like laugh out loud with gusto . It was just too much . Apparently , no matter how much Dar 's in love , he refuses to lie . And the picture did tell all . And so , I decided right then and there to write this blog and dedicate it to all you lovely women out there who have the same problem as me : when you came into this world , you did not get the body advertised by Vogue . Instead , maybe you elected for brains , or compassion , or love . Maybe you wanted children , or a garden , or to have fun . Now all that remains is to be happy with our decision despite the dictates of fashion . I think , all in all , as long as there aren 't too many mirrors , or too many football stadiums in sight , I manage to feel beautiful , young , slim and fair . And tall . In my imagination , the ocean is a shadowy mosaic of colors and movement . Sharks dart around dark corners , hunting prey with single - minded ferocity . A red octopus slithers along the bottom , its tentacles sweeping the sand , its mind quiet , unwaveringly open to vibrations and sounds . Silvery [ … ]
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He 's decided he likes baggy pants , Airwalk shoes , and . . . basically . . . the skater look . He has no idea that it 's even called the skater look , but he likes it . I usually let his hair grow over the winter , so this was likely his last haircut other than a trim till spring . It 's going to be interesting to watch how this look changes . Mostly I 'm just amused that my not - even - 7 - year - old boy is interested in fashion ! So this is his new look . M2 got her hair cut , too - very drastic change for her ! She 's excited , though . It was her idea . She had informed me that she was tired of me brushing out tangles and that she wanted short hair , so in we went . She marched up to the chair , sat down , gathered her hair up , informed my stylist , " I want it THIS short , " and sat perfectly still for the whole thing . When the stylist asked me if I wanted to keep her bangs sideswept or cut straight across the front , I went to answer and was interrupted by a small voice in the chair . And between the clothes , the hair , the massive quantities of food that my children consume on a daily basis , this is my husband 's new look . Though , actually , this specific look was caused by me insisting that we needed a bench for our utility room that includes storage for the growing pile of shoes that seems to be breeding and otherwise multiplying out there . I can 't stand the look of all those shoes sprawling all over the floor . It is a gorgeous evening here in my neck of the woods , and despite the fact that both kids are battling sinus infections and ragweed allergy season is really kicking off - which is why I punctuate every sentence with a sneeze these days - I wanted to make the most of it . So we all got outside and played . We played on the trampoline and we played catch , mostly , but then I talked M2 into asking Oz if we could go see the pond in the lawn mower . Really this means riding in the lawn mower trailer that we can hook up to the back , but the kids know what I mean . As we made the U - turn to come back , Oz spotted a plant . A familiar - looking plant , to him . Then he saw another one , and he stopped . As part of our science study this year , we 're doing the most important thing - getting outside and STUDYING SCIENCE ! Each week , M1 does a bit of science journaling . Usually it involves taking colored pencils outside and drawing a bit of what he observes and telling me about it when he comes back in . Sometimes I write down his observations , sometimes not . This week , I had a new idea - I gave him the digital camera , set it to shoot macros , showed him how to shoot really close , and let him loose in the back yard . He had a lot of fun . I did ask him to specifically try to find some arthropods , since that 's what we 're studying this week . He found : A cicada shell A grasshopper on a green bean plant A red ant on an okra leaf ( eating hummingbird nectar that had dripped out of the feeder ) Then he got adventurous and started taking photos of other stuff : The crape myrtle that he loves to climb Sunshine ! He adores this photo . . . And one of our bell peppers . I think the photo journal might be a regular occurrence on the blog . It 's just too much fun for both of us ! Decisions have also been made regarding the kittens . Remember the four kittens that were found under our house ? They all have homes now . One of them went to my friend M 's house , where her two boys and toddler girl are probably loving it to death . It got named Snuggles , because that particular kitty was indeed very , very snuggly . Another kitten went to my mother - in - law 's house . She didn 't neeeeed another cat , but who does ? Cats aren 't something that you base on need . You simply base it on the ability to clean out another litter box and provide enough food and scratching materials . Its name is , tentatively , Loki . Then there are the final two kittens . Oz had resigned himself , after the first day or two of having them in the house , to the fact that we 'd probably wind up with another kitten . M1 and M2 cried every time the idea of giving them all away was brought up . The point of conflict was that M1 really really wanted one kitty , and Oz had fallen head over heels in love with another ( odd , odd thing to see , let me assure you ) . So I told Oz he was going to have to have it out with his son about which kitty they were keeping . . . I looked at him like snakes were crawling out of his ears and seriously began to question his sanity . This is the man who had told me for about two years now that we have a ' revolving cat door ' policy regarding more felines - if one comes in , another has to go out . And he was willing to let us keep TWO ? ? This is Vixen . Tempest ( my only other girl cat who , ironically , is also a gray tabby ) still hasn 't decided whether to hate her or teach her how to be a proper matriarch . Vixen likes food and has HUGE kittypaws . This is the cat that Oz has fallen hard over , and even he says that her paws are lionesque . She is a sweet girl , though she 's got an evil streak . Don 't all cats ? This is Lucifer . He 's evil . I now understand why cats are called CATs . CAT is an acronym for Claws And Teeth , and he fits that bill 100 % . He is constantly chewing , climbing , and messing with everything . I have claw marks in my knee right now from when he decided he neeeeeded some tuna out of the salad I was fixing for supper . He 's also a techno - cat . He likes to type IM messages . . . and send them . . . , turn the cordless phones on and off , chew phones / cords , and otherwise mess with technology . For those of you who understand the lolcat world , this is Basement Cat . I seriously took about 12 photos of Lucifer while trying to get a good snapshot for this blog , and he looked equally batshit crazy in all of them . There 's no helping this one . Even though his sister 's back there trying to beat some sense into him . The bathroom is also completed , having made every possible decision I could about this room , up to and including the paint color . This isn 't anything gross , I promise . It 's actually M1 's latest history project - making scented oil . We started with olive oil and added cinnamon , cardamom , cloves , and nutmeg . He 's been shaking it a few times a day for about three days now , and if you open the jar , it smells good ! I 'll strain it out tomorrow . Not sure where we 'll go from there , but maybe apples will be involved lol . Apparently scented oils like this ( though I 'm sure the spices were different ) were used in mummification and even as perfume in ancient Egypt . Fun times . This is today 's take from the garden . As you can probably see , the okra is still doing very , very well . The plants are actually taller than I am . . . and still growing ! The green beans had slowed down during the heat but are bouncing back with new flowers now . The bell peppers are also doing well , and the tomatoes have had some bug damage but are still slowly producing . I need to get in there and chop the basil back again , but I haven 't been able to find pine nuts in bulk to make enough pesto to freeze for over - winter use . That 's my next preserving project , though . This last week I blanched and froze two pounds of green beans . Yum ! Moving on . . . today , the kids and their friends J and F ( and their mom , M ) and I went to a powwow hosted by theIntertribal Indian Club of Tulsa . We got there just in time for the Grand Entry . It was beautiful . It was led by a dancer carrying an eagle staff . The kids were actually fascinated and kept asking questions through the whole thing , although if you asked the boys later , they 'd tell you it was " boring . " M2 , on the other hand , had a whole slew of questions of her own , like , " Mom , do Native Americans have birthdays ? " She is absolutely fascinated by the idea of Native American culture ( bearing in mind that around here , they still call themselves Indians ) . She wants to be Indian with all her 4 - year - old soul . I keep looking ! this man followed the one carrying the eagle staff . There was also a " tiny tots " category , and I have never seen cuter kids in all my life . The boys , especially , got into it . There were a few of them who are definitely champions in the making ! Mostly , I loved these moccasins . How neat are they ? ? Looking at the costumes , I have to wonder if there is a requirement as to how much of the costume has to be handmade . There was a lot of improvisation going on with some of them - I saw CDs with beads glued on and wooden thread spools used to hold feathers up on the headdresses . It was really neat to see how they were all put together , and you 'd never have guessed from looking at the whole outfit at once . They were all gorgeous . I 'm hoping to find another one or two to attend during the fall . M2 got herself a small bracelet and M1 found himself a dreamcatcher ( he 's a bit of a mystic lover ) . It was a good day ! Someone posted on a forum that I participate in that they were looking for reasons to continue homeschooling and asked others to please list the reasons that they homeschooled . Of course , there were many people who have homeschooled from day 1 who have a long list of reasons that schools themselves are evil . I don 't think they are , but my son doesn 't ' fit ' at a school very well , and I love having the opportunity to be able to homeschool . If it doesn 't work out , he can always go back , and we 'll work around his issues as they arise . There were also people who had a good list of reasons such as flexible scheduling , saving money , etc . Very , very valid reasons to homeschool were included in these lists , and I 'd copy and paste them here if it wouldn 't turn this post into a novelette as opposed to a short story . Very few people mentioned the reasons that I am homeschooling M1 . They are out there , I 'm sure , but either they have homeschooled from the beginning and never ran into the same issues I have or they just aren 't as vocal because they are aware that folks like us are in the minority . Then again , kids like M1 are in the minority , too . 1 . I refuse to have my son labeled . He is a very smart kid and learns quickly , but he has some issues . I could have kept him at the private school he was at , but even there , the teachers and administration were at their wits ' end as to how to handle him . He gets disruptive when he 's bored . By homeschooling , I 'm able to move to the next subject as soon as he finishes one . He loves this . He doesn 't do timed tests well at all because he spends so much time worrying about how much time is left that he forgets about the test . Every time I would go in to have a conference with the teacher , she 'd tell me that he scored X on a reading test but she actually knew he was at Y level . She also would occasionally send me notes or e - mails asking what to do about a new tic or problem he had developed , like I should be able to tell her how to ' fix ' it . Teachers do talk about students like these , and in time , he would have been labeled the special kid . If I had sent him to a public school , or even if I 'd continued at the private one , I 'd probably have had to set up an IEP , especially regarding handwriting which , by the end of his kindergarten year , was still completely illegible . By bringing him home , I can work with him . I don 't need to time anything as long as I can see that he is progressing . I don 't have to worry about his tics because they 're not bothering anyone . If he knocks over an entire case of blocks , nobody is going to call him clumsy . This brings me to point # 2 . He 's big for his age , so he often wants to play with the older kids , but they usually reject him after a day or two as ' too weird ' and move on . When he plays with kids his age , he can have a hard time toning down the roughness factor and sometimes winds up hurting someone , which he hates doing but can 't always control . The girls in his class picked on him because he wasn 't able to control himself during class , usually making noises or banging things , which is something that will get better with age but not at the same rate as his peers . He internalizes a lot of things as part of his issues , not realizing that an adult might be able to help , and so I 'd often never hear about these incidents until months after they happened . Now that he 's home , he loves not having to worry about what anyone is going to do to him or say to him . He is wiggly . He NEEDS to be able to get up and move . Some educators would argue with me and say that he NEEDS to be able to learn to sit still and work for long periods of time , but that 's not true . Sure , if he intends to go to college , he 'll have to be able to sit through a lecture and take notes and work , but that 's still about 12 years away , and then , for all I know , he 'll be training for a job in a field where he can be out working 95 % of the time ! Not to mention the fact that he can plan classes with large breaks in between . He doesn 't need to achieve perfect behavior at the first - grade level , or the second , or the third . He can 't do it without going crazy , and I love that I don 't have to make him . He rejected a project I had planned for him yesterday because it involved sitting still . Instead , he took the pharaoh 's crown that we 'd made last week , decorated it , cut out a false beard , taped it to his chin , and pretended to be pharaoh . Not a teacher in the public or private school world could let their entire class just make a project as they pleased , being up and running around while they do it . 4 . I don 't like medicating him . Last year , I medicated him . I felt I had to because not only was he considered disruptive in a school setting , he would explode when he got home . I figured out at some point during the year that his explosions were all due to the release of anxiety . I took him off the medication at the end of June , just to see how things would go , and as long as I keep his stress and anxiety level low , he acts like any other very active 6 - year - old boy . It 's only when he gets worked up that things start to go awry . Timeouts are still a perfect solution for him , especially if I can send him outside where he has lots of space to run off the energy . He was given ' hidey holes ' in his kindergarten classroom , but they were small , and he still had to be quiet so that he wasn 't disturbing the students who were still working . That doesn 't fly for him . 5 . I do not believe schools can teach exactly to how my child learns . My son is very hands - on / visual , as I think most boys tend to be . Teachers , especially as the kids get older , have a hard time tailoring learning to kinesthetic learners . Homeschooling lets me teach the way he learns and , if he isn 't getting a concept , I can stop , back up , or change the teaching strategy as needed . It 's very nice to have this opportunity . So here 's the kitty update . One way or the other , we have a home for all of them ! My mother - in - law is also going to take one . She said she wanted a male with white paws ; as far as I can tell right now , we have only one that fits that description , so that 's who she gets . She 's going to name him Chance , because it was Chance that caused me to hear the kitten cries from underneath my house and be able to get them all out safely . I 'm taking them all to the vet tomorrow to make sure they 're healthy , which I believe they are other than maybe a little bit of eye gunk , and then they 'll be ready for new homes . Two of them might go with my friend M . She just needs to make sure that her daughter 's not actually allergic to kitties before she keeps them . If she doesn 't wind up keeping them , another friend 's father will take them for well - kept barn cats - he feeds them and closes them in the barn at night , but they will be barn cats . Given the alternative these babies had of turning feral . . . I 'll let them be barn cats ! The hardest part is going to be deciding which one we keep . My kids begged , cried , and otherwise worked hard on Daddy until he agreed to let us keep one . But just one . And only one . And man , it 's hard to pick ! ! All four of them ( well , three since I 've promised my MIL one ) have absolutely great attributes and reasons to keep them . The girl is just as snuggly as anything you 've ever met . She 's the kind that loves to stick her nose in your nose , sit on your chest , and have a nap attack instantly . Even Oz is smitten . He really loves the most fluffy cat who is , admittedly , the most adorable , but Oz has a hard time getting past the fluff . The fact that we walk on Pepe 's fur wads on a daily basis makes this understandable . Then there 's the all - black spitfire / climber . He 's a busy little beaver , and he 's M1 's favorite . He 's got shorter fur than the rest of them , though he still has at least a little bit of an undercoat . M1 has named him Set , after the Egyptian god that we started studying today , and would just love love LOVE to keep him . The vanity and countertop got tentatively placed today . There are going to have to be a few minor changes to the bathroom to get this set in , but it 'll get done tomorrow . This counter is larger than our old one , but apparently it 's almost impossible to get a smaller one these days . And it does look nice . The only down side is that we 're unable to center it underneath the medicine cabinet at this point . Not ideal , but it 'll still look better than it used to ! Here 's a rough overview of the bathroom at the moment . Most of it is done ; the contractor thinks he 'll have just about everything done by the end of tomorrow ! Floor trim , door trim , recessed toilet paper holder , the cabinet over the toilet , finish up the vanity / countertop , hang the shower rod , and voila ! OK , not voila , but close . It 'll be so , so close ! I can 't wait to get the shower curtain , bath mat , and other stuff in . . . . . . and to be able to take a shower ! ! ! This is actually functional at this point ; we 're just waiting on the grout to be sealed . * sigh of happiness * It 'll be so nice to have it done , and even nicer to be able to invite people over and not be ashamed of the bathroom ! It started out very pleasantly . M1 and I got done very quickly with most of his schoolwork , and his science ' assignment ' was to start a science journal today . Without a working loo , he and I headed to a nearby park where I knew they let some of the grass grow a little crazy . . . and I let the boy go nuts . He had a lot of fun . At one point , another nature - lover pointed out a bald eagle soaring over the nearby river , and he spent quite a bit of time watching it . Did he put it in the journal ? Nope , but that 's okay . He still had a blast and can 't wait to go back . Once the contractor left today , I got to see my new floor . . . and new toilet . . . and if you look carefully on the right , you can see the new door hardware that we 've added . I really , really like the floor . That was actually one of my biggest worries - that the floor would go in , and it wouldn 't look good with everything else we 'd purchased . I shouldn 't have worried . It 's great ! They 're probably 5 - 6 weeks old . They are active , cute , flea - free ( ! ) , and clearly - especially this last one - love food . They 're kittypiled in the dog cage tonight . If you look over in the left - hand column of this blog , you 'll see a list of the curricula that I 'm using this year . In that list is a book for history called " Story of the World . " You can also purchase an activity guide to go with it . I 'm in love with that guide . It contains ideas for supplemental reading , crafts , maps , coloring pages , games , recipes , etc . , etc . , etc . * I * think the book is just about the bomb - diggity . Today , for history , we reviewed Chapter 1 , which covered nomads and early farmers , and made a craft - a cave painting ! M1 had checked a book out of the library about prehistoric rock art , so he considered himself well - versed in this process , especially the colors used . He loved that a lot of them painted bison in their creations , so that 's what he did . There 's his bison , complete with a hunter ( the shape up at the top ) wielding a bow and arrow to hunt his prey . Note the use of browns and blacks and brown mixed with orange because " that 's what they had back then , Mom . " I 'm so glad he 's enjoying learning at home . Tomorrow is science journal day - his first one - so I can 't wait to see what he discovers ! I won 't be able to do it at home like I had planned since we 'll be toilet - less for most of the day , but that 's all right . . . maybe we 'll head down to Riverside or out to a park and see what 's to be seen ! Time for the bathroom update ! The rest of the tub tile got put in today - grout to be done tomorrow , I imagine - as well as the subfloor laid and trim put in around the window . The floor tile is supposed to be laid tomorrow ( which is why we 'll be toilet - less ) , so that 'll be the true test of what the room is going to look like . Fingers crossed . . . though , as Oz and other people have told me , it can 't look any worse than it used to ! I 'm just a mom . But , as that 's often misleading , I am a woman who happens to be a mom . I 'm a jill - of - many - trades , master of none . I love gardening , cooking / baking , writing , and learning . I have two children - a wonderful , sweet Aspie boy and a bouncy , loving neurotypical girl . I homeschooled from 2009 - 2014 , when the kids began their public school journey . It 's a new road to navigate ! We always have quite a few irons in the fire , but I can never resist adding more !
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The Enchanted Island by Johary Ravaloson , Translated by Allison M . CharetteThis entry was posted in Translation and tagged Allison M . Charette Johary Ravaloson on February 14 , 2016 by Marlee Gaffey For some time now , Ietsé would wake up , even though there was likely nothing that should have been disturbing his nights . Often , at these moments , no crickets were chirping , and no owl was hooting , barn or otherwise . It seemed that the bats had paused their voracious fluttering , and their furless wings neither produced their characteristic flap - flap sound nor beat the air . There wasn 't even a breeze that could have been crinkling the leaves on the trees , not even a little . The house 's normally creaking wood was quiet . No restless stirring was perceptible underneath the sheets of the conjugal bed . It was as if the silence itself had pulled him from his sleep . If it lingered , he 'd persuade himself that he was sleeping and dreaming , keeping his eyes shut and not moving a muscle . He let his mind roam , grasping at profound or asinine thoughts here and there but refusing to follow them to their conclusion , so as not to scare off his almost - dreams . Surely the echoing lull - or rather , his passing isolation - would never last long enough to continue his wandering . Sounds ebbed and flowed like a lazy tide , with a few sudden pops in his auditory canals . The ones that had never stopped , like the one caused by the century - old regulated movement of the pendulum set into the wall above the staircase . It belonged so much to the building itself , aging with it instead of measuring the passing time , that you sometimes forgot entire days even though it chimed every quarter hour and ticked each second . His wife 's breathing , so regular and so familiar that he had to concentrate to feel her presence , so close , almost inside , breath of his breath - it 's been over fifteen years that he 's been married to Léa - Nour - it made him fall in love all over again . Dogs started barking again in the vicinity . The echo of a truck passing on the highway reached him , a rustling insect or cousin irritated his ears . He recognized the sound of a spider 's eight legs brushing against the baseboards , the muted sound of the sleigh bed 's feet against the slightly warped wood in the next bedroom as his youngest child tossed and turned , the sighs and murmured half - phrases of childhood dreams of the oldest daughter or her younger sister in the room down the hall , the crumpled garbage bag probably with an anxious mouse or roach digging through it in the kitchen downstairs , and the wind tousling the slumbering outdoors . He could have gotten up noiselessly and breathed in the country air , now so close to the city . He didn 't do anything about it at first . He wanted to recover his sleep as fast as possible . Wanted mostly not to interfere with the unfolding night . He knew all of this , and all of this buttressed the calm . The calm of Anosisoa , where the Enchanted Island was found , between woods and rice fields , in the walls of the centuries - old home , the calm of the neighborhood , the industrial zone , the city , places a hundred kilometers in every direction , and probably , the entire country . All of that was reassuring . All of that should have reassured him . It should have created a state of peace , if that state wasn 't called sleeping at night . Ietsé Razak didn 't have what one would call a career , much less a job . Granted , he didn 't have to worry about what he 'd eat , how he 'd dress himself , where he 'd live . All those material concerns : he was set . Everything had been provided for him , in advance and in abundance . First came Ietsé the Fortunate , the forefather . Then , those ancestors of Ietsé Razak who had crossed thousands of nautical miles to reach this land among the waves . They 'd walked on giant water lilies floating on the ocean to complete their journey . Setting foot on the island , they 'd known full well how to make the effects of their enchantment last through the generations . They had assimilated the masters of this land , transforming their existence into myth after integrating them , conquering them , or driving them to the wilder ends of the earth . They had woven their way through the natives ' tight caste system , making their dominance known by force , by alliances , or still more often by the timely breaking of alliances . They had always supported the kingdom 's expansion and taken their share of taxes . They had accommodated later migratory waves , turning them to their profit . Trade had unquestionably enriched them . They 'd bowed before the colonial forces - showing intelligence , a type of adaptation so close to compromise that the outsiders probably wouldn 't have been able to distinguish the difference - but , even with that , their own kind remained among the only ones interested in defending what the latest arrivals lusted after . To establish their power under the sun of independence , they had blown the winds of progress , profited from the hunger for knowledge , and imposed an undeniable mastery . They made themselves indispensable at every moment , even during the revolutionary period , when everyone wanted to cut down the old trees , like them . And whenever these rude awakenings occurred , business picked up again . People wanted to farm their lands , lease their buildings , use their funds , and benefit from their experience . All of it worked , kept running all by itself , like the electric train from his childhood . There were some incidents , of course , but the Razak patriarch was a shrewd man . He 'd diversified , making his lands , belongings , and relationships yield a profit . People consulted him on the country 's important issues . He kept a firm hold on the family fortune , partially out of a passion for power , but also partially because of his only son 's complete disinterest . Blessed by the Gods and the Ancestors . That 's what his father always said when he made young Ietsé give thanks . That was customary , as well . They went to perfume their ancestral tomb : the paternal side in Anosisoa at the New Year , and his mother 's side in Ambatofotsy on All Saints ' Day . On every holiday or even somewhat important event , they poured out a drink in the sacred north - east corner of the house , in a small alcove with not the ancestral portraits on display - those watched over the hallways or held court in the salon - but with signs representing said ancestors engraved into rot - proof wood ( a tiny old scrap of wood that may once have been the stern of a boat with mysterious lines on it , nearly entirely erased , but undoubtedly made by a human hand ) . And they prided themselves on being the family that showed the most splendor every seven years or when social norms dictated it - an approaching election , the day before a change in the tax rate where they 'd have to call on their allies - when they rewrapped the lambamena , shrouds of raw silk , of the ones resting in their vaults . Certainly , they always venerated the land of their ancestors and acknowledged it as the source of all good things . But they had also adopted the taboo of pork for a time to please the Muslim traders , then had continued to use their writing style long after people here forgot who Mohammad and his god were ( after all , Mecca is not on the Enchanted Island ) . They had discerned the technological superiority of the whites , supported King Radama I in his policies of openness toward the West , and accepted without qualms transcribing the Malagasy language into the Roman alphabet . When Queen Ranavalona II converted to English Christianity during the nineteenth century , they had built the first churches ( where , during the preceding reign , those who had followed the foreigners ' god too early had been executed ) . The rocks for the church in the Rova , the royal citadel dominating the capital , came from a family quarry . The diaconal duties had always fallen to them . Ietsé was second only to his father to shake the pastor 's hand at the end of the service . The Razaks had a permanent seat right behind the royal hardwood chair with its scarlet cushion . The throne long unoccupied , but believed irremovable . But sadly , a terrible fire had reduced everything that had existed on the royal grounds to dust : the church and the five palaces - Manjakamiadana , the palace of Queen Ranavalona and her successors ; Manampisoa , the one that Queen Rasoherina added ; Ranovola , the one for Radama the First ; Mahitsielafanjaka , the one for Andrianampoinimerina , the father of the Malagasy nation ; and Besakana , the one for Andrianjaka , the founder of Antananarivo . Up in smoke , too , went the discovered part of the Fito Miandalana , the Seven - Aligned - Houses , and the trano manara tomb , below which lay the former sovereigns . The fire destroyed everything . The flames devoured the sky for a whole night , and the city summit could be seen for dozens of kilometers . The crowd came from everywhere to climb the hillsides , and it was larger and still more destitute than a century earlier , when the last queen , Ranavalona III , had departed in exile . Streams of tears ran through the poor parts of town ; lamentations were the only things to rise and could not best the flaming citadel . Hours later , heat still tortured the cladding of the great palace stones , whose four emblematic towers were like giants being burned alive , writhing and roaring without falling . Ietsé didn 't know if she was talking about the people pontificating around them , or the tombs . The threat represented by vacuity of the former , because they ran the country , like the latter , because nature but above all death detests emptiness , despite rituals performed to sweep away the disgrace of forgetting the ashes of ashes , it made any elder shudder . But the world was entering the third millennium and , in the shadow of the rocks that had remained standing , after having sacrificed a zebu and consecrated new roofs of the tombs , the reconstructed church was inaugurated . Ietsé , walking beside her , behind the house , watched her jet - black eyes rebelling within the wise oval of her face . The October wind whipping the warm air was making jacaranda flowers fall gently to the ground . The young man wondered how anyone could live in the skin of a non - believer . The mauve flowers carpeted the path that ran directly to the tomb . " Your father opened up all of Anosisoa to me , " she continued . " Even this vault : up until now , it had been inaccessible to daughters - in - law ! Like my parents , I appreciated the gesture . . . " " He always thought himself more vazimba than the others , " Léa - Nour smiled . " Really , though , I 'm not that worried about it . When it happens , you know , I 'll be dead . " " I believe in life , " she said , caressing her belly . " In children , in the fact that we must preserve this Earth for our children , enrich it and pass it down . In Filistria . You were the one who told me about Gombrowicz , right ? " The loyalty of the old Razaks , harboring the same obscurities as their long history , burdened Ietsé . A little , that is : only ever like a pebble in his sock . As a child , he went to the Protestant church on Sundays , and , on Thursdays , to the Catholic mass at school ( Sintème , which had undertaken the education of his father , his grandfather , his great - grandfather , and the rest of the country 's elite ever since colonization ) . But deep down , his father 's entreaty was to not forget the great ancestral crossing and the source of the ever - flowing milk and honey . The god on the cross had just been welcomed into the traditional pantheon with all the others . The Jesuits charged with his education nearly made him a skeptic about all of that . After enduring several trials , however , his ancestors ' protection proved extremely sound . There was a guy in the class above him , a mixed - race , burly and built , a full head taller than him . He acted all tough and seemed unaware of Ietsé 's natural birthright . One lunchtime , while the other guy was walking home with a few friends to the white vazaha neighborhood where he lived next to school , our Didymus sat on the front hood of the car and asked the driver - who was often pressured to juggle the son 's desires with his responsibility to the father - to follow them , and to only pass them once they 'd gotten a little ways away from the pink - brick outer wall of the hallowed school . The crowd stared as he passed like in the Independence Day military review , which got him all fired up and confirmed in his heart of hearts his divine and ancestral consecration before he 'd even gotten to the end of that first test . Once he reached the other guy , he stood up , still on top of the car , and hurled insults at him . Everyone following behind him , surprised by the scene , was too captivated to yell to clear the road - and perhaps some of them had recognized the Razak patriarch 's vehicle . None of that mattered to Ietsé . He kept up his rant , making the forming mob witnesses to the other guy 's cowardice . The guy didn 't understand fast enough . Then , as he finally opened his mouth , Ietsé jumped him . From the car , he had enough momentum to knock the guy to the ground , pummeling him . The driver dragged himself out of the car and pleaded with him to stop , while simultaneously preventing anyone else - the giant that he was - from intervening and touching the son . Ietsé left the other guy with blood running down his face . That afternoon , nobody at school talked about anything except the ontological trial that had taken place . The victim 's parents made a complaint to the Rector , but he slunk out of it : extra muros , outside his jurisdiction . At the weekly Thursday mass , during his sermon , he just made a brief allusion to it , staring hard at the blessed one . Ietsé pretended not to understand . The young vazaha never got the chance to take his revenge . The driver , in defiance of regulations , started waiting for Ietsé at the door to their very classroom from that point on , too afraid that some accident might befall his master 's son . The rest of the time , his friend Nestor - whom they called Thor or Néness , depending on if they wanted to highlight his strength or klutziness - towered over him like a real bodyguard . And besides , in their studies , they were reminded that violence was a crime , and as the fat Brother Headmaster emphasized , the punishment - suspension from the school - could be permanent . Ietsé , during his visits to their home , didn 't get the chance to see Arthur 's father , a theater man . His mother , on the other hand , a painter , he spotted her often , because she had a workshop set up in the back of their garden , from which sometimes emanated the scent of Ancestors ' Weed . Art was a foreign environment for Ietsé - he just knew that the paintings that decorated their walls in Anosisoa were worth a lot of money , because he 'd found that some of his father 's friends exalted dumbly before them . He fantasized more about Arthur 's mother , who was not just an artist , but a redhead . She was from northern England , on the border of Scottish territory . Her ancestors had already fallen in love with the Malagasy sky as they walked under it during the time of the London Missionary Society . During the first half of the nineteenth century , the awful Queen Ranavalona had driven out those zealots of the faith of the Queen of England beyond the seas , afraid that they might win the hearts of her own subjects . By following their tracks back to the island , Miss Jones was fulfilling an old family dream . But anyway , for the young Ietsé , no matter how blessed he was , she naturally fell into the category of the inaccessible . They spent Thursday afternoons in Arthur 's room without lessons , and there was Jeannie . She was the wildest spirit of all their female classmates , who were sprinkled sparingly into the school only starting in junior year . Jeannie was taking hits of the joint with them , and it had a fantastic effect . She wanted to be touched and kissed . The others thought it was funny , especially Néness , and Arthur , too . But not Ietsé , who 'd always been put off by group work . He watched , or listened to Charlie . It has to be said , Andzamal gives you really weird sensations . Already naturally a contemplative person , with the cannabis - caused engrossment , he could watch flies mating for centuries ! As for Charlie , he didn 't stop reading : poems or other books grabbed from the library that filled the hallway leading to Arthur 's room . Sometimes he unveiled the beauty of a text to them out loud , but his friends laughed indiscriminately , he believed , annoyed . It was like Ietsé was absent , not hearing anything really well nor feeling anything specific , neither agreeable nor disagreeable , you know , but when the others laughed , he spasmed , too , for no really apparent reason , and sometimes , like the others , unendingly for forever . They 'd had a poem to study for French class . On the day it was due , the professor asked for a volunteer to recite it . She was undoubtedly thinking of Charlie . Before anyone else reacted , though , Ietsé raised his hand , suddenly inspired by the text . He 'd barely read the title . He wanted to blow everyone away , especially the pretty lady teacher whose copper - colored hair made him think of Arthur 's mother . She didn 't show any of her surprise for her student 's unexpected enthusiasm , but rather invited him to stand at the front . He set himself just in front of the desk , so that she could only see his back . Standing before the class - who all knew him well , and that anything could happen - he started his performance . He lowered his eyes , pretending to concentrate . Then , staring hard at Jeannie and Arthur in turn with the most constipated expression ( he knew there wasn 't any point in looking at Néness ) he barked , " Invitation to the Voyage ! " His comrades burst out laughing , followed , of course , by the entire class . He huffed , acting offended but unfazed . Once the room was calm , he tried again . He didn 't have to make sure anyone was paying attention . He kept his eyes half - closed and intoned the first syllables again , and then the next few tumbled out in a rush of relief . Again , to widespread hoots of laughter . He turned around and gave the teacher a mock - hurt look , but she of course hadn 't seen anything and was just tapping her pen on the table . He let a few quiet seconds go by , then continued his act . Arthur was bent over double from laughing , Jeannie had tears streaming down her face , Néness was smacking the table and his thighs . Everyone , he thought , was laughing . It was contagious . Even the teacher had the hint of a merry smile as she renounced her plan and sent him back to his seat . One afternoon , a few days later , Arthur brought over a " super high quality " . It was a little after Easter , and the in - between season was well underway . They 'd never smoked inside the school grounds . Now , they were tempted by the reportedly exceptional weed . While they enjoyed it in the shadow of the pine trees above the soccer field , the quietest corner of Sintème , the poet of the group took some pills out of his pocket . They didn 't know what that meant . They were already soaring high . They 'd missed the start of class . Charlie was telling them about his own experiments , and the group was laughing . Ietsé was with them and sometimes with himself . Everyone else , too , probably . Jeannie , in between Néness and Arthur , was stroking herself gently on the down cover of pine needles . When Charlie held his hand out with the tablets after gulping one down himself , she took her own hand out of her pants to take one and swallow it . Jeannie was far from faint - hearted . Ietsé hesitated . Néness took one , and finally , Ietsé did , too . Only Arthur didn 't . He preferred it plain , au natural , he said , rolling another joint . It wasn 't a problem , they were open to anything , time had stopped . Then Ietsé thought he 'd fallen asleep . Ietsé only had a faint idea of what it was that they lost . He woke up at home under his bed , he had a headache and felt awfully tired . Snippets of scenes were coming back to him , but he didn 't know which ones came from reality . It seemed like he 'd cried at one point , and that at another , he 'd been naked as the day he was born , racing against equally - naked Jeannie and Charlie . Ietsé didn 't remember that at all . He listened to Arthur , quivering with nervous laughter that made him bump his head against the mattress slats . He got a nice lump , but that didn 't make him move or think it was any less funny . On the other end of the line , Arthur was also cackling with laughter , like during the best of times . Ietsé , his ears suddenly pricking up at his father 's heavy footsteps coming up the stairs , then in the hallway , smothered his laughter in his hand and , still underneath his bed , tossed the phone back on the hook and tried to look apologetic . He heard the click of a key in the lock . The Razak patriarch walked in , livid , in one of his endless dark suits , his moustache and goatee unkempt from raging anger . He wrenched the telephone out of the wall and took it out of the bedroom , his son powerless to hold onto it . The door slammed and the lock snapped shut . His father entered , followed by two maids , as well as the houseman , a hunchbacked simpleton . Without looking at him , the master of the house strode over to the wardrobe and opened both its doors . The others , their job obvious , grabbed a hold of all the clothes they found , including everything on the floor , the chair , and the desk , bringing them all outside . Each of them made two round trips , the man throwing fearful glances at him as he passed , while the women lowered their eyes , the one respectfully and the other , younger , hypocritically , unable to keep a smile away from the corner of her mouth . His father stood rigid before the armoire , like he was trying to bore his anger through the sandalwood . Silence hung heavily between the swishes of fabric . Ietsé didn 't react , too dumbstruck . He figured he had to still be under the effect of the drugs , literally hallucinating . Once his wardrobe was emptied , everyone left and the door was shut again , locked again . Then he realized that he didn 't even have boxer shorts to cover his skin , and his other things had already been stripped out . They 'd probably looked for narcotic substances that he might have concealed . But he hadn 't gotten to that point : for him , he only tried it with friends , things to have fun . And there he stayed , naked and cut off from the outside world . The only contact his father left him was limited to the meal plates slid in , then furtively removed by the wordless , terrified houseman , as well as the old chamber pot that had been used for his great - grandfather 's nearly - final days ( during his final days , he 'd worn diapers that a nurse had changed for him like a baby ) . He racked his brains over what strategy to adopt : would it be better to revolt , scream , throw the falsely indulging grub against the wall , along with that shameful bowl of his contents , and then jump out of the window and trail a scandal behind him outside , or do everything at the same time after jumping ? He 'd certainly done enough already . After prudently thinking it over , it was actually a dangerous idea - he was on the second floor , at least seven meters from the ground , the Razak ceilings were high . He kept trying , momentarily resolved to bow his head , mount some kind of defense , but nothing came to mind that would have withstood his father . After the third day , it had been long enough that he prepared to go on the offensive . Instead of the usual Quasimodo , however , it was his governess , ageless even back then , who stuck her head through the door of his room around noon . She wasn 't bringing a meal - she had clothes . His father was running quite the game : he 'd made his son wear his dark suit , the one that Ietsé had worn a few months earlier for his incontinent elder 's funeral . Upon seeing him , the father , in shirtsleeves but a knotted tie , rose from his armchair . Walking toward the living room , he dropped a casual phrase behind him as he passed : " We 'll have a quick bite to eat , and then we 're going to bury your friend Charlie . " It was as if he 'd been struck by lightning . He wondered if he 'd heard correctly . He couldn 't believe his ears , nor could he hope that it was a joke . The Razak patriarch , if it has to be spelled out , was as much a prankster as Jeannie was Mother Teresa . And even though he 'd sometimes laugh with his guests , wielding a humor that the son did not share , he wasn 't in that kind of mood that day , not at all . Ietsé followed him unsteadily . His head was spinning , his heart racing . His father was already sitting , and the governess was waiting , standing before the door to the pantry . It looked like water was trickling down the chandelier above the table . And the light that normally poured in through the high windows had also become fuzzy . He didn 't realize that it was his tears , expelled from his eyes without him realizing it , that were blurring the scene , until they fell from his cheeks to form quite visible moist spots on the shining wood floor , brushed daily with abrasive coconut husks and rubbed every Friday with beeswax , as the tiniest things in the Razak household usually became regularly scheduled rituals . The last time he 'd cried like that , he must have been seven or eight years old . For such a dumb show - yet serious enough that his father had promised him a thrashing - he was banished from the table and sent to his room to wait . Monsieur Razak had never hit his kid before , but that time , it really seemed like he 'd wanted to let loose . He 's going to kill me , the child imagined . Fear had caused urine to run all down his jelly - like legs as he climbed the interminable staircase , and his already - red eyes flowed like waterfalls . He 'd kept crying for a long time on his bed . So long that he 'd fallen asleep , exhausted . When he 'd woken up later in the afternoon , he father had left for work again , and he never knew if the sentence had been carried out or not . He 'd never found out . The governess , growling only that he 'd deserved to be punished , had never really shed any light on it , and he 'd made sure not to question the concerned party . This time , the adolescent dared to ask the question . " Are you gonna kill me , too ? " he asked , choking back sobs . The Razak patriarch didn 't reply . Still , he set down the fork that he 'd been bringing to his mouth , merely looking strangely at his son . It was obviously extremely inappropriate . But it wasn 't Charlie 's own father who 'd killed the boy , either . At least , not really . He most likely would have , his friends thought during the funeral , if it could have prevented a scandal . He wondered if infanticide would have caused less indignation than a overdose death of the son of the Minister of Youth and Culture . Children of powerful men , no matter what the father 's position , were allowed to do anything , even favoring death over life , never mind what the priest said , who was of course obligated to talk about temptations of artificial life at the mass . Arthur had been able to communicate with Charlie a little before the tragedy . He was locked away and stripped of all his belongings , like Ietsé . His books , his much beloved books , were taken away by his parents , who believed them to be the source of his insane debauchery . They 'd taken Baudelaire from him , and Burroughs , and others . Arthur 's mother , who 'd also come to the burial , refused to join the procession going to shake " those people 's " hands after laying the body in the family tomb , so they stole away after her , too . The black she wore made her pale skin shimmer . Despite the properly tied - up bun at her neck , she was making Ietsé melt like fat sitting in the sun . He would have followed her forever like a little puppy dog if Arthur hadn 't elbowed him in the ribs . The thinning group of friends talked a little on their way to the parking lot . No one had heard from Jeannie . Arthur and Néness already knew their fate . The former was going back to the French high school . He 'd had a long , drawn - out argument with his parents . He was a lucky bastard , though , and had gotten more spoiled than punished . The latter was going to stay at Sintème like nothing had happened . He was even going to keep his scholarship . In the chaos of nudists that had followed their stupefying experiences , no one had noticed his absence from class . Arthur , who 'd been the only one in any state to respond - in between uncontrollable fits of laughter - to the questions they 'd suffered in the Rector 's office , hadn 't mentioned him . So Néness had just kept sleeping under the pines until he was woken by cold rain . He hadn 't returned home until nightfall . Back at school the next day , he heard first the rumors in the courtyard , then the official version in the auditorium about the group 's misconduct , and then the final disciplinary action directly following . The other students were appalled : drugs at Sintème , it was simply unthinkable for most of them . When Took , the class wiseass , tried to rechristen the main courtyard " the Garden of Eden , " Néness told them , they were the only two who laughed . Everyone else glared daggers at them . Johary Ravaloson is an author and visual artist , in addition to his day job as a lawyer . Born in Antananarivo , Madagascar , in 1965 , he has lived and studied in Paris and Reunion , before returning to his hometown in 2007 . He has won numerous prizes for his novels and short stories , including the Grand Prix de l ' Océan Indien and the Prix roman de la Réunion des livres . Along with his wife , contemporary artist Sophie Bazin , he founded a new publishing house in the 2000s , starting a new trend of in - country publishing in Madagascar and Reunion . His most recent novel , Vol à vif , is being published simultaneously in France and Madagascar in February 2016 . Allison M . Charette translates literature from French into English . She received a 2015 PEN / Heim Translation Fund Grant for Naivo 's Beyond the Rice Fields , the first novel to be translated from Madagascar , forthcoming from Restless Books in 2017 . She founded the Emerging Literary Translators ' Network in America ( ELTNA . org ) , a networking and support group for early - career translators . Allison has published two book - length translations , in addition to short translated fiction that has appeared in Words Without Borders , The Other Stories , InTranslation , the SAND Journal , and others . Find her online at charettetranslations . com Post navigation ← A Café by the Sea by Yosuke Tanaka , Translated by Mitsuhiko Kubo Needlework by Emily Mohn - Slate → Contact Us contactTQ ( at ) tupelopress ( dot ) org
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It is nearly two years since my second son , Noah , was born and perhaps time I finished his birth story . There have been some difficult times during the past two years when I have thought of his birth . Whenever I read about a happy homebirth or VBAC story I find it difficult as , whilst my story had an incredibly happy ending , the journey didn 't happen as planned . I am passionate about natural birth and am always happy for people who are successful in delivering their baby naturally ( especially at home ) . However , my passion is now bittersweet for me as I can 't help feeling envious that I didn 't get the natural vaginal birth that , as a woman , I so longed for . While discussing this recently , I was reminded that there are women out there who may get their natural , vaginal birth but are still unhappy with their experience or grieve for something that they didn 't get during their birth journey . So , what is it with women ? Are we focussing more on what we didn 't get than on what we did ? Isn 't it understandable that when we put so much energy - physically , emotionally and spiritually - into something we want , we grieve when we don 't get it ? Birth is such a pivotal point in all of our lives , but I believe the importance of the birth process is underestimated by the majority of society which is why we think we are wrong to feel sad , angry or upset . I feel we don 't talk about birth enough to allow the emotions to pass through and heal like they would if only we were more open about it . After all , not only is a new life is created , but as a baby is born , so too is a mother / father / guardian . So , yes - in my opinion , birth and the birthing journey is a big deal ! Oisín was a planned homebirth . My husband , Patrick , and I studied ' Wholistic Psychology ' and one of the modules was ' Conception and Birth Influences ' , so we knew the importance of a gentle , smooth transition from inside the warm , safe comfort of Mamma 's womb into the reality of the cold , bright outside world . So , we therefore planned a homebirth , water birth and lotus birth . ( A lotus birth is where the cord is left uncut and placenta remains attached until such a time that it naturally detaches itself . This usually takes anywhere from 3 to 7 days to occur and there are great physical and spiritual benefits to this . A good book to read is Lotus Birth by Shivam Rachana . ) I laboured from midnight on the Saturday when I had my ' show ' until late in the afternoon on Sunday . I got to 10cm at home and spent quite a few hours at the pushing stage . My midwife even had me doing frog jumps and bunny hops down the corridor to help the baby come down ! Roughly around midday , I requested to go to hospital ( despite drugs or a C - section being the last thing I 'd wanted in my birth plan ) . We decided to wait a couple of more hours and keep trying at home . After all , this is what I really wanted . However , at 3pm I was an emotional wreck and I requested the same again . Patrick believes that it was my inner wisdom kicking in - bless him ! - although , at the time , I felt it was the cheat 's and easy way out . ( I have since changed my view to the same as Patrick ! ! ) After transferring to Mt Barker Hospital , a VE was done by the OB that we 'd met once ( we were happy with him as we were told that he only performed C - Sections when they were absolutely necessary ) . He advised us that Oisín was posterior . With his position and my ' android ' shaped pelvis I was told that a C - Section was my only alternative . By that stage I was happy to go ahead with that plan . I just wanted to be free from the pain and have a safe and healthy baby in my arms . In hindsight , who really knows if I could have birthed him naturally ? With some rest and a new mental / emotional outlook then perhaps I could have . I 've done all of the ' what ifs ' and they could go on and on . Acceptance , here , is really the key ; what got me through it was believing that it was all meant to be the way it was . Our babies choose their own birth and as much as we try to plan what we may want , in the end - or beginning ! ! - it is their journey as well as ours . When I got pregnant again I started going to CARES meetings to deal with my grief over not getting what I wanted as well as my thoughts of ' failure ' . I researched all of my options again and planned for a second homebirth . Although it is all a little blurry now , this is what happened … On the evening of 25 June , I started getting period - like pains around 9 . 30pm . I was due ( according to my calculations ) the next day . I 'd been on the phone to my doula , Helen , getting advice on how to avoid a cold that I thought I was getting . Little did I know , I was getting more than a cold ( I didn 't actually get one - phew ! ) . A couple of weeks earlier I 'd also woken up in the middle of the night with strong period like pains which didn 't turn into anything more , so I wasn 't 100 % whether things were happening or not . So , after dosing myself up with herbs and vitamins , I tried to go to bed but couldn 't manage to get any sleep as these sensations were too strong to sleep through , but not strong enough to call labour . I was pretty excited and nervous at the same time . I moved through the sensations in bed until around 3 . 30am when I didn 't want to lay down any longer and found that getting up felt a lot better . As we co - sleep , I also didn 't want to wake up Oisín ( who was nearly two ) and it felt right that I could walk around and make noise if I wanted to . So , that 's what I did . Helen was the first to arrive at sometime in the wee hours of the morning . It was great to have her there . She was a real help with getting through the sensations as she pushed on my back in all of the right places . She also had her stash of homeopathic remedies that could help me through . I texted my midwife at some stage to let her know what was happening but I didn 't feel I needed her there yet as I had good support with Helen . I also called my good friend , Michelle , to come as she was our carer for Oisín . She was amazing as she kept me topped up with fluids ( including her homemade lemonade ) and also cooked a curry for the support team ( she 's an amazing chef ! ) . Another support person , Ruby Johnson , who attended our last birth , arrived in the early morning and was a fantastic support . Ruby is a friend whom we have known for many years now ; not only did she found The College for Actualising Human Potential , and develop and facilitate the Cert . IV and Diploma in Wholistic Wellness , but she is currently also Adelaide 's leader in the psychology of Wholistic Wellness and accelerated personal achievement , and has her own private counselling business . Ruby knows me well from my participation at the College and the private sessions I 've had with her over the years , so this , coupled with her extensive birth knowledge , meant I felt blessed to have her there . Throughout the day Ruby did little processes with me to help me through the sensations , sometimes even by intensifying them - it sounds strange , but if we take control of the sensations instead of them having control over us , it is a lot more empowering and easier to cope with ! I also had Ruby reading to me from a ' program for childbirth ' which I had been using prior to the big day ; it was full of positive affirmations and reminders of how the birth process should unfold . I remember it taking Ruby ages to get through this as she would stop every time I had a contraction ! She also had me blowing bubbles in the pool ( yes , a bit like a 5 year old would ! ) which really lightened the mood and helped my mindset and Oisín thought it was funny , too ! Oh , the things we do ! Our midwife , Leonie , arrived around midday . By this stage we had the pool set up and I was having strong contractions every few minutes . We discussed doing a VE which , after much deliberation , I declined . I felt that if I did have a VE it may excite or disappoint me , so did not want to risk it given that the foetal heart rate was regular and I was doing well . ( In retrospect , I wish that I had had the VE as it could have changed the whole thing . Isn 't hindsight a wonderful thing ! Read on for more … ! ) I also felt like I was handling this labour a lot better than my first which isn 't surprising given that Oisín was posterior and probably a lot more painful ! I also had my ' show ' around this time , too . At about 12 . 45pm I got in the pool . Ohhh , what relief ! Patrick got in with me at some stage which was really nice . He was a great support . Leonie suggested we call our backup midwife , Marijke - who arrived around 2pm - as perhaps things were getting close . Leonie thought that we didn 't really need Marijke there given the support that I had , but I wanted her to come because I think , on one level , I felt like I ' owed ' her the natural birth that we didn 't get the first time . By the time she came I was feeling a lot more like pushing , and then it happened ! With my hand , I felt the head coming out and I was elated , to say the least ! I remember yelling something like , ' I 'm doing it … . I 'm going to have my VBAC … . Yipeeee ! ' Little did I know ! We then discovered that it wasn 't a head but the sac coming out . Argh , was I frustrated ! I was also losing energy by this stage , so Leonie did a VE . She discovered a hand up above the baby 's head , so no wonder this was taking longer than expected ! I then got out of the birth pool and shortly after felt a big plop ! The sac fell right out of me on to the floor , in tact ! I got on the birth stool and tried pushing there . Everyone was supporting me . The contractions were so intense by this stage and I was screaming this loud primal scream through them . I felt like I was out of control . I remember being told ( by more than one voice ) to breathe , breathe which really helped me refocus . I lost some blood and had another VE . They felt the hand but no head . I also wasn 't fully dilated so a transfer was now on the cards . It was 5pm . We decided to go to hospital to have an assessment and some pain relief . Marijke asked where my hospital bag was . Hospital bag ? I didn 't have one packed . I was going to have a homebirth . It was a mad rush to get everyone into their cars and get on our way . People were going everywhere trying to get what we needed . I remember feeling quite alone and thinking , ' This isn 't happening fast enough ! ! ' Patrick drove Marijke and me , and again I sat in the back facing the back of the car so I could move through the sensations I was having as comfortably as one can in the car in full on labour ! They were incredibly intense . It was like déjà vu except we were in a different car and going to a different hospital . I didn 't have my music to listen to this time , which I think would 've helped but - oh well . This wasn 't meant to be happening . Marijke talked me through my options for when we got to hospital , but all I had on my mind was pain relief . These feelings were out of control . I also thought I was bleeding but it was my waters that had broken and were dribbling down my legs . When we got to the emergency department ( ED ) we got out of the car and passed an ambulance . They asked if I wanted ( or perhaps they suggested - I can 't remember ! ) a wheelchair but I responded with a very clear , ' No , thanks - I 'll walk . ' There was no way I could or was going to sit down . So , we went to triage where we were asked how far apart the contractions were . I said something along the lines of , ' We 've been going at it for hours and nothing 's happening . You need to get me up to the labour ward ASAP . We 've rung ahead and they 're expecting us . ' The male triage nurse wasn 't happy with this response and repeated his question . I couldn 't believe it . He also mentioned how we had pushed in front of three people in the line . Did I give a … . . ? ? NO . And , I actually think they moved out of the way when they heard me screaming through one of my contractions ( I was being pretty loud ! ) . The ED was packed and I felt extremely self - conscious on one level , but didn 't care on another ! I 'm not sure what happened to the triage nurse ( I think he went off to do something ) but I do remember another female nurse came by and asked if were we being looked after . Umm , no , not really ! So , she got a bed and told me to get on and then we were off to Labour and Delivery , THANK GOD . At this stage I was on all fours and moving through my contractions still thinking , ' This isn 't happening fast enough . ' Next , I was examined by an obstetrician who really bloody hurt and was then told that this baby wasn 't coming out naturally as it was breech - ' WHAT ? ' - and it was a foot in my vagina , not a hand - ' WHAT ? ' again ! The other foot , by the way , was still in my uterus up by the baby 's head and I was only 4 - 5 centimetres dilated . BUGGER . No wonder nothing was happening . My poor little baby was doing the splits and there was no way I could 've pushed it out . It makes me sad to think of it now as I had tried sooooo hard to get the baby out when 1 ) my body wasn 't even fully ready , and 2 ) the position of the baby made it virtually impossible . I 've been told the only way I could have tried to birth my baby would have been if I got to 10cm and the other leg was brought down . I had tried and tried to push and all I had done was bruise the baby 's tiny foot and testicles as they bounced up and down on my cervix and vagina . The next thing I remember being prepped for a C - section and the anaesthetist explaining the procedure to me . I asked him for the mildest anaesthetic he could give me to therefore reduce the amount of drugs my baby got . I distinctively remember him telling me that they may have to give me a general anaesthetic . ' WHAT ? NO WAY ! ' was what I very clearly remember saying back to him . He explained why to me , but all I heard was , ' Blah blah blah blah blah , ' and I again responded , ' There is no way I 'm having a general anaesthetic . I want to be awake when my baby is born . ' I couldn 't believe it . What was even more appalling was his attitude . He was extremely rude about it all and I felt like I was just another number to him - ' NEXT ! ' … ( When I debriefed with Leonie about this after the birth , I was pleased to hear that she had had words with him about his attitude and that she also put in a written complaint about this incident - apparently he thought that she had done the wrong thing by me / the system by supporting my plans for a homebirth when I had previously had a C - section . Well , I have news for you , mister ; if I do ever get pregnant again , I will be trying again for another homebirth . Hmph ! ) So , in I went to the theatre room , feeling extremely grateful for modern technology and very much looking forward to meeting my baby . There seemed to be a thousand people in there and it was nowhere near as pleasant as my previous experience , the difference being a bigger city hospital versus a country hospital , in my opinion . There was no music , the room was brightly lit and it felt cold and impersonal . I also remember when I was having one of my contractions and making the screaming noises that I was making , that one of the theatre staff gave me a funny look , a bit like she was thinking , ' Oh , would you listen to yourself ! ' in a mocking kind of way . I felt very small , like a child and , even though I only saw her out of the corner of my eye , I quickly looked away and buried my head into Leonie 's chest for comfort . I couldn 't believe it . Where 's the compassion people ? ! It wasn 't long before our second son was born . Only this time , it was more frightening . They took him over to another area to resuscitate him and this scared the sh ! t out of me . Patrick went with our son so that he 'd have one of us there ; in our birth plan we wanted our baby to be put straight on my chest - no washing or cleaning - and we wanted for Mum or Dad to be the very first person our baby saw , not some stranger that Bubs will never see again . I remember looking at Patrick wondering if our baby was going to live or die . I really wasn 't feeling confident , but had no idea why this was happening . I didn 't even know what sex the baby was , but wasn 't thinking of this at the time . Leonie had been standing by me during the whole procedure and explained everything that was going on ; for this I am extremely grateful . I think she may have said that our baby was in shock . It wasn 't the labour that had shocked him , but more than likely the being born that way in a bright , cold sterile room , as right up till the procedure his foetal heartbeat was fine . At some stage , I think Leonie told me it was a boy , then I heard him cry and felt a huge wave of relief wash over me . They then bought my beautiful boy over to me . He was wrapped in a blanket and oh , so beautiful . I just wanted to cuddle him soooo tightly ! Lying down with drips in my arm and other monitors on my fingers made it quite a challenge , but I soaked him up all the same . Before I knew it . he was taken away again - off to the neonatal unit to be monitored . Bugger . He would have better off with me , but I don 't think I had any say in it . I had to stay there and be stitched up . Not happy . I was then wheeled off into Recovery where I met up again with Ruby and Helen . They tried very hard to get into theatre with me , but no go . It was a push just to get our midwife Leonie in , and thank God she was able to come in - she pushed for the obstetrician to not cut the cord until it stopped pulsating . Again , we wanted a lotus birth but , although we requested it , it was denied . So , the next best option was to let the cord stop pulsating before the baby was ' shocked ' into this world by the cutting of its lifeline of nine months and its connection with Mum . I was so happy that at least Patrick was able to stay with our baby as it was an hour before I got to see my baby again and that was probably only because Helen and Ruby pushed for me to go to the neonatal unit to be with MY baby . I tried breastfeeding him there where it was so impersonal with every Tom , Dick and Harry around . Nevertheless , I was with my beautiful baby boy . My folks turned up and Oisín also arrived . What a joyous moment ! I have a photo of me and Bubs and in this photo is Ruby and Helen who also taking a photo - the paparazzi were there ! At one stage I vomited ( this didn 't happen last time ) , which was a result of the drugs , in my opinion ; I found out afterwards that the anaesthetist had given me some morphine which I didn 't have the first time . I can 't say that I was happy about this ! Finally , around 8pm , we were taken to a ward … Where I threw up again - while Patrick was eating his curry ! ( Sorry , love ! ! ) But , it was nice to finally settle in with just my hubby and our new baby boy . While it was a full on day with a few highs and lots of lows , the final result was just what we were looking for : a healthy baby and a healthy mamma . We stayed in the hospital for roughly four days ; we had to push to stay this long . I think because I had come in from a homebirth all of the doctors thought I 'd want to go home again straightaway . ( Umm , hello ? I have just had major abdominal surgery and would like some recovery time , please ! ) I was also a little freaked about going home to deal with a newborn bubba as well as a toddler , but when we did go home it was beautiful . The house had been cleaned and tidied and there was a big bunch of flowers waiting for me from my beautiful husband and Mum and Dad , bless them . It was just gorgeous being able to watch Oisín adore his new little brother in our lounge room . So , there it is - my second birth story . What a journey it was and continues to be ! So , thank you for reading it ! And lastly , a big thank you goes to my beautiful husband , amazing birth team and gorgeous boy , Noah , for choosing me to be his Mamma .
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Manor Farm is home to a bunch of downtrodden animals , who one day gather together to hear the speech of an esteemed colleague , Old Major , a boar , who calls them for a meeting in the barn . He tells them of a dream he had in which animals live together with no humans to rule over them . He then teaches them the song , The Beasts of England , which feature many times throughout the book . Inspired by his speech , three pigs , Snowball , Napoleon and Squealor make a plan to overthrow their master , Mr . Jones , which they manage to do . Then follows what usually follows a revolution - a means to reconstruct their lives , with plans to be self - sustaining and strong . Several rules are laid out and an order maintained . And of course , the bad decisions , power - control and political bad - mouthing also follow . I 've heard so much about George Orwell 's Animal Farm and 1984 , but both sounded very academic to me , which made me not want to pick them while I was doing my Masters . And I was kind of right in assuming that they were of academic merit , but very wrong in implicitly taking that to mean that the books would be hard to read and understand - at least Animal Farm was definitely not that . I listened and devoured Animal Farm on audio , and just couldn 't stop laughing so many times . The book was hilarious , but it was also a very clever take on human nature . It is satirical , and the resemblances made me chortle so many times . So let 's see , we have a bunch of animals , who succeed ( of course ) in overthrowing their farmer , and then the pigs come out as the natural leaders , because only they knew how to read . This was very interesting , because even in real world , the ones with plenty of degrees to their name ( though not necessarily more intellectual or wise ) , were usually the ones who won the posts to control a whole group of people . The pigs used that cleverly even insisting that none of the animals could possible do a proper thing , because they weren 't learned . Hence , knowledge = wisdom . The leader pigs , Napoleon , Snowball and Squealor , laid out . . . more Re - read thoughtsEver had a book that you would go to when your brain 's all fried and tensions are high ? No matter what you set your mind to , you can 't concentrate , and then you pick that one book . Much like having a glass of wine . Or going shopping . All those tensions just ooze out of your self . The Harry Potter series does that to me . Ever since I first read a Harry Potter book , I have always returned back to them once a year . Or at least to most of the books of the series , if not all . The first book of this series that I read is actually the fourth book , Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire . That happened after I caught the first raving waves about this series in the newspaper . I ignored the series . The news persisted . Every day , I would hear some gossip or the other about this series . I still ignored the series . After all , the idea of me @ 16 years of age reading this book that I branded " children 's book " is indeed laughable ! ( You can see how obnoxious I was then ! ) And then , as things usually go , in to this picture comes the proverbial cousin with a copy of the book , literally . He wouldn 't take " no " for an answer . So to appease him , I decided to bore myself for a few days with the book . The rest , as they say , is history . So now , I am re - reading Harry Potter and the Sorcerer 's Stone after more than two years . Believe it or not , I think I became an adult only recently . The last time I read this book , I lapped it happily . This time though , I got bugged by small nuances that a teenager wouldn 't complain about . - Such as , for the first time , I realized that this book is not written for an audience like me , but for those more than half my age . Which is to be expected , seeing as the protagonists are 11 years old ! It 's amazing though comparing the first and last books of this series - both in writing quality and in their darkness . The dangers surrounding Harry are only felt tangentially in this book . - J . K . Rowling 's writing is nowhere near as captivating as it is in her later books . That 's to be expected , of course , but I . . . more Re - read thoughtsOver the past fortnight , I re - read the third book of the Harry Potter series - Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban . For the first time , as I read these books , I pause to think . I 've been reading with breaks in between and also writing up posts on my re - read experience , while also marking out my favorite quotes from the books . ( Previously , I just raced through the pages . It 's hard to slow down . ) It 's been a thrilling ride ! The third book has always seemed to me the " coming - of - age " book . The series is beginning to take shape slowly . Some of the principal characters of the rest of the series ( Lupin , Sirius , Wormtail , Buckbeak , Trelawney , Dementors ) make their first appearances here . The relationships between the characters are defined strongly . In addition , we are introduced to the Knight Bus , Divination class , Hogsmeade and the Marauder 's Map . Moreover , this book had some of the best magical vignettes ever . I enjoyed the DADA class the best of all . It is interesting that this would be the only enlightening DADA class that they would ever have , in the whole series , not considering the meetings of the Dumbledore 's Army in the fifth book . Another interesting feature was Quidditch ! I loved the extensive coverage that J . K . Rowling devoted to this fun sport . Three games ! Harry 's receiving the Firebolt only added to the excitement ! On the other side , I admired Hermione 's role in this book . I feel she totally came into her own . Her desire to take every class offered by Hogwarts was endearing . But when she cracked due to the workload , I was relieved . It felt good to see that she had human limitations too . When I first read the Harry Potter books , I was studying . Hermione 's total dedication would in turn inspire and intimidate me . Like Harry , I could never fail to marvel at the amount of effort she put into her homework . The best part of this book , though , is the Patronus and Harry 's attempt to conjure one . I truly enjoyed the idea of a bright glowing guardian that is unique to the wizard or witch that conju . . . more Re - read thoughtsThis weekend , I re - read the second book of the Harry Potter series - Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets . This has always been my least favorite book of this series , because of which I never read this book too many times - in fact , probably only slightly more than the number of times I re - read the last two books of the series . When I scouted for opinions of other Harry Potter fans , I heard the same feeling echoed by most . What is it about this book that has made us like it less than the others ? Is it because it is geared towards a much younger audience ? But the first book is also geared to the same crowd . Is it because there is lesser humor in this book than there are tragedies ? If you like this book the least , I 'd like to hear your thoughts . I 'm not sure why this was my least favorite either . ( Yes , I say was . More on that later . ) I guess it had something to do with Aragog and his clan , or even the Basilisk . These are the creatures I was least impressed with in the entire series . There is also not much " variety " as there is in the other books . It 's mostly the attacks and the voices . One thing I decided when I started re - reading this series , was to walk into the adventure with no prior biases . That helped greatly this time . When I closed this book , I was surprised to see that I actually enjoyed this book much more than I ever did previously . That was one of the biggest surprises to me this time . I like it when re - reading brings to my attention things I missed earlier . Though , truth be told , there really isn 't anything I 've missed in this series , having re - read it too many times . I had forgotten that this book introduces so many firsts . It gives us our first glimpse to the Burrow , the gnome hunting , Harry 's connection to Voldemort via his ability to speak Parseltongue and similarities in upbringing , Dumbledore 's impressive office , Dobby - my favorite elf , Lucius Malfoy , Ginny . I think that 's why I liked it a lot this time . This is actually the first book that 's setting the stage for future events . . . more At fifty years old , Alice is a respected cognitive psychology professor at Harvard and a world - renowned expert in linguistics . Her husband is also a highly successful professor at Harvard . Their two oldest children were well - settled into their lives , while the youngest one , Lydia , didn 't attend college but found herself inclined towards an acting career . Lately , however , Alice had been forgetting things , such as a word that was at the tip of her tongue but which eluded her for a long time . Soon though , she began to forget bigger and more important things - such as which topic she was to lecture about in a class in spite of spending her last hour preparing for the class , a conference she was supposed to fly to in spite of having prepared for it all day long , At one time when she was jogging , she even forgot the way to her home although she had been through that street countless times in all the years she had been there . Alice was beginning to display the symptoms of early - onset Alzheimer 's . I cannot even begin to express how much I loved this book . For a long time , I had been hesitant to read it , knowing that a box of kleenex is essential . Moreover , someone I know well succumbed to this disease last year . As I read the book , I cried a lot . For Alice , her husband her children , and for all who suffer from this disease . What especially makes this book work is that Lisa Genova has written this fiction from Alice 's viewpoint . The reader gets to see Alice actually forget people . One minute , she 's addressing her daughter as Lydia , and in the next minute , she has metamorphosed into " the actress " . At one point , Alice has been excited to attend Lydia 's theatrical performance in her town . When the show is over , Alice doesn 't recognize Lydia at all , instead she talks to her as a stranger , congratulating her on her work . When Alice realizes that she is losing her memory , her to - do lists , which consisted of single words to indicate each task , soon transform into lengthy phrases with plenty of hints . So much of her experience feels . . . more After being on hold for this book since the October of last year , it was very satisfying to hold the book that has been touted as the top read of 2009 . I had once read the first page of this book , and loved it . This time , I can say the same for the entire book . My opinionThe Help starts from the perspective of Aibileen , a black maid , who works in the house of Elizabeth Leefolt , one of Skeeter 's close friends . Elizabeth is to be the host of the bridge club , in which Skeeter , Hilly , another of Skeeter 's close friends , and Mrs Walters , Hilly 's mother , are to play . Before soon , Hilly is insisting on separate bathrooms for the women of the household and the help , for hygiene purposes . Minny , Hilly 's maid , sasses when ever she gets irritated or angry . She strives to hold her temper in , but it never works . Soon , she has lost yet another job . To compound matters , Hilly has been bad - mouthing Minny , thereby making it hard for Minny to find another job to feed her huge family . Skeeter has just returned home after graduation , without a job or any plan about what to do with her life . Her mother wants her to get married , but Skeeter isn 't interested . She wants to write , and after much deliberation , she comes up with a very brave and controversial idea to write about . There starts a very powerful story of three women , or rather five women in my opinion , since in addition to the three main protagonists , Hilly and Miss Celia , Minny 's new employer are very crucial to the story as well . Did you ever feel when reading a book , that you had to whoop in delight or whip any character to nice manners , or cry with strong heartfelt emotions , for the sufferings of some character ( s ) ? The Help WOW - ed me on all factors . It touched me at a deep core , leaving me to think of the book for days afterwards . Not many good books bring every character to life , major or minor . Doing that makes a book great in my opinion . Feeling the presence of the characters around you makes their experiences all the more believable and credible . Minny , as the sass - mouth , w . . . more Some of my blogging friends wondered how I could read Columbine so soon after April 16th : Virginia Tech Remembers . I didn 't think I could do it either . But something in me wanted to understand why both incidents happened . How can someone walk into one 's own school and kill students and teachers ? Fellow students you might have played with or talked to . How can someone have so much anger in them ? ( Of course , terrorism is no longer limited to the school playgrounds now . But that 's a discussion for another day . ) I think . . . I still remember sitting in front of the TV on the morning of April 21st , 1999 , as I did every morning before leaving for school . I was 15 and had just started my 10th grade in a school in Dubai . Columbine was on every news channel that day . It was scary . A crime , the kind of which I had not heard of . It made me realize that even schools weren 't safe . I had not given it a thought before , but the news of that day acutely sharpened my antennae . Columbine by Dave Cullen , was a remarkably informative book . I thought I knew enough about what happened that day and during the following weeks and months . I couldn 't have been more wrong . As I was reading , I took two pages worth of notes . Half of them were indignant outbursts at some decisions taken . Thirteen lives were lost that day . Eric and Dylan expected to take 2000 lives with them . For investigators , the big bombs changed everything : the scale , the method , and the motive of the attack . Above all , it had been indiscriminate . Everyone was supposed to die . Columbine was fundamentally different from the other school shootings . It had not really been intended as a shooting at all . Primarily , it had been a bombing that failed . Dave Cullen gives an excellent insight into the minds of the killers , from almost two years prior to the " Judgment day " . Eric Harris is revealed to be a classic textbook psychopath . His diligent methodical approach to anything astounded me . If he weren 't a murderer , I would have been impressed with him . He was successful in fooling everyone . . . more review Sophie Kinsella is my favorite chick - lit author . I enjoy her books a lot for their fun factor . And after reading a lot of serious but rewarding books Sophie Kinsella is my favorite chick - lit author . I enjoy her books a lot for their fun factor . And after reading a lot of serious but rewarding books latelt , I needed to laugh while still enjoying the experience . Really laugh , as in rolling - on - the - floor laughing ! My opinionI received this book as a Secret Santa gift from a member in a Goodreads group . Before this , I had already read 3 books by Sophie Kinsella - Twenties Girl , Confessions of a Shopaholic , and Remember Me ? - enjoying all three greatly . This one was no different in recipe . The humor in The Undomestic Goddess was quite tickling . Not always , but mostly . It started with Samantha sitting in a spa , to use a gift voucher that she got on her birthday the previous year . She is a highly busy lawyer , with a non - existent social life , hoping to become the youngest partner in her firm . There , we get a rib - tickling insight into her stressed life and obsessive preoccupation with her work . Her work is scheduled at 6 minute - phases . Her daily routine would look like this : 11 : 00 - 11 . 06 drafted contract for Project A11 . 06 - 11 . 12 amended documentation for Client B11 . 12 - 11 . 18 consulted on point for Agreement COne day , when she makes a costly error , of the value of 50 million pounds , she loses her job and almost in a trance , gets herself employed as a housekeeper . Samantha Sweeting - who couldn 't cook to even save her life , or even take care of her own apartment - was suddenly in charge of looking after a mansion and its two owners . What follows is a hilarious account of her transformation ! I liked Samantha Sweeting the best of the Sophie Kinsella heroines so far , because for a change , here is a woman who is not obsessed with make - up or clothes and shoes , or any of the things that fascinate most women in fluff chick - lit books . While I wish she had some " me " time , she was still a smart woman who got things done . Even when she tries to resign from the housekeeper job , she does it so diplomatically that the owners offer her a raise . When she is in a soup , it is a treat to see her . . . more review I wrote and rewrote this review about 4 times before finally being happy with this . ( Whoever said writing reviews was an easy job ? ) I was struggling b I wrote and rewrote this review about 4 times before finally being happy with this . ( Whoever said writing reviews was an easy job ? ) I was struggling because there was very little to review , without giving too much away ! I had been pining for a good paranormal book for quite some time , ever since reading the Twilight series last year . But I was mostly hesitant to read any of the interesting books I came across , simply because many of them sounded so similar , that I couldn 't feel compelled into reading them . Besides the zillion challenges I was participating in made sure I picked mainly adults - oriented books , so I 'm slowly trying to invite more paranormal and YA activity into my bookshelves ! I finally chose to read the Mortal Instruments series , after two of my book clubs in Goodreads voted for City of Bones as the group read . What stronger wake - up call did I need ? My opinionCity of Bones starts out pretty well . When I read the synopsis , I wasn 't pleased . Bodies disappearing ? Invisible men ? Puhleez . But the book starts out better than the way the synopsis was put . The fact that only Clary could see the 3 people who just killed a green - eyed , electric - blue - haired boy in her presence , got me hooked enough to wonder what species the book is dealing with . Apparently , it is species in the plural . Suddenly Clary 's human world and the other invisible world merge , and a lot of questions start emerging . Now you see what I mean by finding this a difficult book to review ? I 'd rather not spoil any surprises for you if you plan to read this . There are a lot of paranormal creatures in this book that I remember feeling initially overwhelmed trying to keep track of who was good and who wasn 't . I couldn 't blame Clary either for feeling confused . There are vampires , werewolves , faeries , warlocks , demons , angels , and the ruler of all - the shadowhunters . And of course , we poor mundanes ( Did that remind you of muggles ? That 's the first word that came to my mind . ) The twists in the book were pretty riveting . This one is a meaty 485 pages , fu . . . more Fourteen year old Lily Owens has been tormented by the same memory since she was four - the afternoon her mother died . She stays with her harsh father , T . Ray , in a peach farm in South Carolina - a father who never acknowledges her birthday , doesn 't buy her anything , and is nothing like a father should be . When he wants to punish her , he makes her kneel on grits for an hour . Her only real companion is the fierce sometimes - outspoken black woman , Rosaleen . Then something happens that prompts Lily to leave her father and her home to a place called Tiburon along with Rosaleen . There , she stays with three black beekeeping sisters , August , June and May , who provide such delightful company and eventually helps Lily get answers to the questions with which she arrived there . I had been putting off reading this book for so long because I knew nothing about it , and the bee - word was honestly a little repulsive . ( I hate any kind of small creepy crawly fly - ly living things . ) But I 'm glad I read it because this book has been just WOW ! The Secret Life of Bees is a coming - of - age story of a girl who tries to comes to terms with what happened the day her mother died . It is also a story of how she tries to learn more about her mother , and in the process , finds some wonderful women who love her like a daughter . This is not a YA book , but with a fourteen - year old protagonist and with an abundance of sweetness in the book , I would imagine it could be one . Lily is now probably one of my favorite bookish characters . I loved her spontaneity and her close relationship to Rosaleen and the beekeeping sisters . Her presence of mind is what saves her ( and Rosaleen ) from possible trouble . The three sisters ( or calendar sisters , as Lily liked to call them because they were named after months ) , are characters who , you could say , have awesome screen - presence or " page - presence " . August , as the oldest , was also the most mature and sensible one . She took care of the beekeeping business , into which she initiated Lily . Although I 'm no fan of bees , I actual . . . more I have very little good words to lace up this review with . The book blurb had a lot of promises , none of which were delivered to my satisfaction . My opinionOpen Season starts on Daisy 's 34th birthday , when she gets the sickening realization through one entire chapter that she is a Miss Goody - two - shoes with no life to boast of . No husband , no kids , no love life in years , still living with her mom and aunt ( I know this is frowned upon so much , but I can never understand what 's so wrong or embarrassing about it ) . With the help of her mom and aunt , she gets herself a beauty consultant to help with her make - up and wardrobe . The beauty consultant himself has some plans of his own , which includes sending Daisy to certain specific nightclubs for man - hunting . In addition , she finds herself seeing Jack Russo , the Chief of Police a little too much . In the background , a Mexican illegal immigrant girl has been raped and murdered . If I write one more line here , I am sure I can wrap up the story for you too , but that 's for you to read and find out . : ) Open Season is more romance than crime . There are a couple of chapters devoted to some steamy sex , and there 's quite a bit of humor , for which I am thankful . Jack Russo provides most of the laugh along with Daisy 's new puppy . I wish there were more plus points to write , but I 've reached the end of it . As for what didn 't work , there 's a lot of coincidence at play in this plot . When there 's a lot of coincidence , it means there 's no mystery , since everything is falling into place for the characters . Right when the criminal plans to kidnap Daisy , she changes house and takes a day off from work . No one has any proof of impending crime , but Daisy 's whole family is being given protection . Daisy just starts groom hunting , and suddenly Jack Russo is interested . I won 't even mention the last part of the Epilogue . That 's just some of them . Another annoying factor was the number of pages dedicated to Daisy 's make - over . How she applies make - up , how her beauty consultant does it , the shopping trip . . . more It 's been three days since I finished this book , but I 've been pretty much hesitating to write this review . I wanted to gather my thoughts , which were in such disarray after reading this book . Besides , I was still imagining what life had been like for Esther Greenwood , and hence Sylvia Plath , wondering how after getting " cured " , the author apparently relapsed and took her life . This is the story of Esther Greenwood 's breakdown , her deepest fears and how she attempted to recover from it . In Sylvia Plath 's words , The pressures of the fashion magazine world which seems increasingly superficial and artificial , the return home to the dead summer world of a suburb of Boston . Here the cracks in her [ the heroine , Esther Greenwood 's : ] nature which had been held together as it were by the surrounding pressures of New York widen and gape alarmingly . More and more her warped view of the world around - her own vacuous domestic life , and that of her neighbors - seems the one right way of looking at things . Right from page one , I was able to identify with Esther Greenwood . I did go through a lengthy phase , some time back , when I questioned every thing I did , when I wondered if I was on the right path or career and whether I wasn 't just a robot going along a path charted long ago , without giving it much thought . Esther begins to first acknowledge her doubts when her manager has a quick reprimanding one - to - one with her . All my life I 'd told myself studying and reading and writing and working like mad was what I wanted to do , and it actually seemed to be true , I did everything well enough and got all A 's , and by the time I made it to college nobody could stop me . Her manager asks her : " What do you have in mind after you graduate ? " What I always thought I had in mind was getting some big scholarship to graduate school or a grant to study all over Europe , and then I thought I 'd be a professor and write books of poems or write books of poems and be an editor of some sort . Usually I had these plans on the tip of my tongue . " I don 't really knHow did I know that someday - at college , in Europe , somewhere , anywhere - the bell jar , with its stifling distortions , wouldn 't descend again ? Overall , I enjoyed this book . It is always interesting to look at a world through the eyes of someone mentally challenged . What does such a person see ? What does he / she think ? The reader always believes the narrator . So when you read first - person beliefs about others out to harass you or others gossiping about you in a corner , it is definitely moving and harrowing . . . . more review I might never have read this book if not for the movie , by the same name . I was enamored by the movie , enough to want to read the book . As happens alm I might never have read this book if not for the movie , by the same name . I was enamored by the movie , enough to want to read the book . As happens almost all the time , there were really big differences between the book and the movie , and I can 't say I am happy about that . I think . . . Landon Carter is a typical high school student , with scant interest in his academics . His father is a Congressman , whose family has a long history with Reverend Sullivan , Jamie 's father . Jamie , on the other hand , is the personification of the ideal girl . Loved by all , including the adults , for her everything is about the Lord 's plan . She manages to see God 's hand in almost every event , no matter how much sadness may be caused . When Landon and Jamie are paired up in a drama , they inevitably find themselves seeing each other more often than they had ever in all they years the knew each other . I couldn 't appreciate Landon 's and Jamie 's relationship much . I think the movie brought it out better , but in the book , it just fell flat on me . Landon initially doesn 't want anything to do with Jamie , and spends a lot of time letting the reader know what he doesn 't like about her . When his turnaround came , I found it hard to buy . His change appeared to me an abrupt makeover . The author tries to show it as being gradual , but when you consider the time span , it really wasn 't . As for Jamie , I 'm sure there are good girls like her , but a perfect one like her was just a little too far - fetched a concept . However , I was still able to enjoy the book . The length and the easy writing had a lot to do with that . A Walk to Remember is a breeze to read . I read it in one sitting . Landon proves to be a great narrator , as his wise - crack mind manages to see the humor in even the most absurd or dismal situations . I wouldn 't really call this a romantic comedy , which it is not , but there is some well - placed humor that can entertain you . Although I shed quite some tears while watching the movie , I couldn 't work myself up while reading this book . I guess that 's because I alr . . . more I finished reading this book at lunch yesterday , but since then I have been puttering around gathering my thoughts . The truth is , right after finishing it , I was not sure what I felt . I definitely felt relieved , since there was a lot of jargon in it that I didn 't care for , but I know I enjoyed it too . Firstly , this is not an easy book to get into initially . I read the first page of the book many times before I felt comfortable in going ahead . The first page is the most important page for me . I won 't give up on a book after starting it , no matter how disillusioned the book makes me feel , but if the first page doesn 't grip me , then I may not care for it much . Which is why , when I go to a book store to buy a random book , I read its first page before picking or dropping it . Now , I did give up on Haunted Ground a few times , but some of my friends kept insisting that the book is worth it in spite of the starting trouble . I guess I would say almost the same thing , but I would still prefer not to have to struggle for a few pages to get into the plot . Haunted Ground has two good mysteries weaving in and out . Both suspenseful . Thrilling . And gripping . Erin Hart laid out the initial buildup pretty well , and switched between the two plots fluently , without letting one get way too ahead of the other . One thing I enjoyed about Haunted Ground is Erin Hart 's writing style . Just ponder this prose : " And with the force of the blow , time seemed to telescope . The spaces between seconds allowed an almost unbearably acute perception of each sensation as it passed through him . He was conscious of the grinding sound of stone and mortar giving away , of sharp pain and snapping tree branches , then falling , falling into darkness , and the earth seeming to meet him too soon , with a shuddering thump . And then silence . A most pure and sublime silence roared in his ears as he struggled to take breath . " Such a beautiful paragraph , don 't you think ? Just to describe a man falling down . There are many such wonderful passages , which are a delight to read . I . . . more review After months , I finally finished this book . ( Yeah , months ! I feel so guilty about that . ) I started this book a long time back , but sorry to say , each After months , I finally finished this book . ( Yeah , months ! I feel so guilty about that . ) I started this book a long time back , but sorry to say , each time , I gave it up as a bad job . I finally put this book on my TBR challenge for 2010 and finished it last night . I 'm sure this book was not meant for me . I did get into the story after about a 100 pages . But it still failed me , especially the ending , which I just found too ridiculous and awful . My thoughtsFirstly , I didn 't find this book gripping or suspenseful . I read about a hundred pages , before I felt drawn into the story . It was hardly gripping though , more like slippery ice . You managed to stay on , but you could just as easily fall down . Occasionally , there were some interesting twists . Some of these had the potential to be turned into great angles . That was when I kept turning the pages . But some of the twists just didn 't make sense to me . All through the book , the existence of vampires was played off as a disease . That concept raised more questions than it offered answers . I definitely found the ending awful . I hate to say this . But it just didn 't make any sense to me . There were two plot twists in the end that were just too err . . . lame . The book might have fared better without the epilogue . Somehow the epilogue just set back the rating I would have given to this book . One thing I enjoyed about Night Runner is its humor . There were quite a few light moments , and they were funny . Not rolling - on - the - bed funny , but funny , nevertheless . There was not much character description , except for some focus on the main character , Zack . Most characters just came and went through the story . They hardly had much presence in the book . Overall , I didn 't enjoy the book at all . I wish I could say better , but it just didn 't sit well with me . There was a lot of promise , from the blurb on the back cover of the book . That interest just didn 't translate into the story . In nineteenth - century China , six - year old Lily is just beginning the rituals towards becoming a woman . As per custom , her foot is to be bound and her marriage fixed in a few years , even though it will be much later before she starts staying with her to - be - husband . Even before she begins her initiation , her fate and that of her aunt 's daughter , Beautiful Moon , are beginning to get intertwined with that of a girl named Snow Flower . I listened to this book a couple of months back , and my review comes really late . So while I probably forgot a few points , there is so much about this book that is still with me . For starters , I am not an audiobook fan , but I 'm beginning to understand that it 's more due to unengaging narrators than the audio book itself . Janet Song , the narrator of Snow Flower and the Secret Fan , does an impressive job in evoking the character emotions and conveying the tragedies and happiness . Girls in China had their feet bound at six years of age . I had previously read only one book which involved foot binding , and even then I assumed it was a harmless custom . Harmless ! Girls could die from foot binding , and that was a really shocking piece of news for me . Everything I needed to know about this custom came from the second chapter of this book . Lisa See ( and Janet Song , through her narration ) captures the dangers of this custom very well - the pain , the cracks heard as the bones broke , the compulsory walks across the room on bound feet , the regular removal of the bindings only to put on a clean set even more tightly - all to bend the feet completely , so that the person appears to walk on tip - toes . Imagine your feet and your pointed heels as one object - that 's how a bound feet would look like . I have never been more appreciative of the feet I have , in fact , I have almost sworn - off pointed heels because of what they 'll remind me . And if the bindings aren 't done properly ? You can get gangrene or blood poisoning . The ideal size is apparently 7 inches ( if my memory serves me right ) . 7 inches is not even a f . . . more review She smiled darkly and shook her head . " I 'm not crazy . I 'm not . Of course what else would a crazy person claim ? That 's the Kafkaesque genius of it all . She smiled darkly and shook her head . " I 'm not crazy . I 'm not . Of course what else would a crazy person claim ? That 's the Kafkaesque genius of it all . If you 're not crazy but people have told the world you are , then all your protests to the contrary just underscore their point . Do you see what I 'm saying ? " My very first introduction to Dennis Lehane was through the movie , Mystic River . At that point , I didn 't know the movie was based on a book , but when I did come across the book many years later , I knew I had to read it . Now I have a huge tome of Mystic River staring at me every time I look at my shelf . It 's not that I 'm not keen on reading it , I 'm terrified . One , because it 's huge . Second , because I never really understood the movie , Mystic River , and had to read reviews and spoilers to actually know what it was about . I assume the book is the same . So instead , when I saw Shutter Island at an airport bookstore , after browsing through the shelves for 15 minutes ( making me almost late for my boarding ) , I decided to risk it . At best , I 'll enjoy it . At worst , I 'll sleep . Luckily , the best happened . I actually devoured it . Here 's the first thing I noticed - Dennis Lehane 's writing flows easy . There were no heavy - vocab crunching or roundabout phrases , which is the impression Mystic River the movie put into my head . Instead , I got pulled into this thriller right from page one and enjoyed it to the last page . US Marshall Teddy Daniels arrives in Shutter Island along with his partner Chuck Aule to investigate the disappearance of an inmate from this inescapable fortress . Teddy is convinced that the place reeks of radical brain treatments and experimentation . What Chuck doesn 't know is Teddy has his own personal vendetta to carry out and that getting out of the island may be harder than either of them expected . To add to their troubles , there 's a vicious storm brewing and communications with the mainland has failed . Even before I started , I knew there is a major twist in the ending , thanks to my wonderful friends who had to . . . more review I had heard previously how good / bad this book is . Most people have been powerfully affected by it . They either really liked it or really disliked it . I had heard previously how good / bad this book is . Most people have been powerfully affected by it . They either really liked it or really disliked it . After reading it , I could see how it could sway you in either ways . You could either take the story at face value and be swayed by it , as I did , or you could critically analyze it and call upon its credibility . My opinionJanet Fitch writes White Oleander in a very eloquent style . Poetic writing is not some thing I enjoy usually ( since I 'm pathetic in poetry ) . But I didn 't have to strain myself here . The writing flowed easily , in fact , I couldn 't wait to turn page after page to know what happens next . White Oleander is told from Astrid 's perspective . She sketches a very vivid portrait of her mother , Ingrid - someone who scorns on anyone " beneath " her , someone who is highly appreciative of beauty and condemning of who / what doesn 't possess it , someone who believes she has to be in control and jealously frowns on anyone Astrid gets attached to . Beauty was my mother 's law , her religion . You could do anything you wanted , as long as you were beautiful , as long as you did things beautifully . If you weren 't , you just didn 't exist . She had drummed it into my head since I was small . Although I had noticed by now that reality didn 't always conform to my mother 's ideas . Astrid 's mother , Ingrid , did not give herself to men . Men came to her , but she frowned on them . Until Barry Kolker came along and proved to be her weakness . When Barry leaves her for another woman , Ingrid 's methodical jealousy has her murdering him by poison . Ingrid 's sentence to jail starts a six - year transformation in Astrid from the girl who worships her mother to someone who tries to stay away from her . Astrid 's years in foster care are almost gut - wrenching to read about . That a 12 - year old girl goes through so much makes it an even more poignant reading . Astrid happens to be very mature for her age . Her initial confusion over what her mother did soon gives way to an acceptance of what she will have to go through . . . . more The Geometry of Sisters was actually good . It just wasn 't for me . I think . . . The Geometry of Sisters starts with Maura Shaw moving away to Newport , with her two children , Beck and Travis . Maura 's daughter , Carrie , is missing and the detective on the case has failed to find any trace of her . Maura is the only one looking forward to the change to Newport . Travis misses his girlfriend , Ally , while Beck is antagonistic to moving away from home , where Carrie could be . As the story progresses , Maura 's perfect outer facade cracks as she comes across elements of her past that she had hidden for years . At the same time , Beck resorts to stealing , as a way to battle her demons . She had been caught and accused of stealing back home , and was in therapy . Travis finds that he is developing feelings for Pell , a girl in his school , whose sister , Lucy , is Beck 's close friend in Newport . I thought this story was pretty good , but somehow I could not connect with any of the characters and their problems at any point , except one . That one moment was late in the book , when I actually felt a character do a sensible action - sensible according to her situation . There are a lot of characters introduced in Newport , who didn 't kindle any sort of interest in me . There is J . D . , who became paralyzed the day the woman he loved left him , Steven Campbell , the math teacher , who has made helping the Shaw family his responsibility , Pell and Lucy Davis , another pair of sisters , whose story is told in this book 's sequel , The Deep Blue Sea for Beginners . Then there is Katherine , Maura 's long - estranged , would - be - no - longer - estranged sister . The many emotions captured in the book felt shallow for me . In addition , Beck often talks about sisters , her family , her problems , and her relationships in very mathematical terms . I didn 't mind it initially , but after a while , it got tiring to see so many things expressed in math terms . The audio book narrators however did a very good job . I would recommend this book to anyone who likes reading books about families and si . . . more Seven - year old Rachel Kalama is like any other girl , living with her family in Honolulu . Her father is a merchant seaman who is away from home for months at a time . Her mother works hard to bring up four kids . Rachel and her older sister , Sarah , fight like typical siblings , until one fight turned ugly and Rachel returned home with minor injuries . That 's when her mother notices a bleeding rash on her thigh , which Rachel could not feel . Rachel is proud that she isn 't complaining ( not even feeling ) an injured spot in her body . But her mother is anxious and worried . She gives the injury a couple of weeks to heal , and when there 's been no change , Rachel 's parents dress her up in long skirts and shoes to cover the spots . Her mother visits a local doctor privately for help , and Rachel is barred from removing her shoes ever in public ( much to Rachel 's anger ) . Until one day , something happens in the school grounds in front of a large crowd that reveals to everyone what is wrong with her . She has leprosy . Alan Brennert 's Moloka ' i is a brilliant read . Rachel Kalama is a protagonist anyone would root for . Mostly because she was like the girl next door . She could have been anyone from 19th - 20th century Moloka ' i . Alan Brennert didn 't try to make her some sort of heroine , or keep her safe while everyone around her suffered . Her disease not only shattered her , but also her entire family in a rippling fashion . How does one cope with losing every single person that ever mattered ? Over the years , Rachel meets so many people that even we come to love and pray for . And this motley cast of people are not just treated as faceless extras , but have very interesting stories and are molded into respectable characters by Brennert . They have their own place in the book and without overwhelming the reader get their story told too . In the end , I cried for every character in this book . In addition to the tangible characters of this book , Moloka ' i has several other characters - leprosy , the island Moloka ' i , and history itself . Through the book , we . . . more review This is a very tricky book to review . I thoroughly enjoyed Her Fearful Symmetry . Having heard plenty of mixed reviews about this one , I wasn 't sure ho This is a very tricky book to review . I thoroughly enjoyed Her Fearful Symmetry . Having heard plenty of mixed reviews about this one , I wasn 't sure how I would find it . On top of that , it was soon due back at the library , and I had 4 other library books calling my name desperately . I needn 't have worried . This book definitely got me thinking and I like it when a book does that - when it stays in my mind for a long time after I actually finished reading it . Her Fearful Symmetry is definitely a challenging book . Challenging not because of writing style or incoherent ideas . Challenging because it questions a lot of accepted conventions that you might have . At least it did for me . I remember feeling the same after reading The Time Traveler 's Wife . I would say that is the only similarity between the two books , that and Audrey 's beautiful writing style . This book got me thinking about a lot of things , but primarily about the relationship between twins . I have never known any twins , so I can 't say how accurate Her Fearful Symmetry is on this topic . But I like to believe she took an extreme case for telling her story . The twins , first Elspeth and Edwina , and then Edwina 's twin daughters , Julia and Valentina , are highly inseparable . After being together for years , cracks are bound to appear . What I found interesting , was how each set of twins responded to the troubles in their tightly - woven fabric . When the reason for the estrangement of Elspeth and Edwina was revealed however , I was a bit disappointed , since that wasn 't something I would expect to drive close sisters apart , not after being so close and sharing everything for almost 25 years . Maybe I am seeing it differently , but I expected something more severe . It just didn 't seem a reasonable excuse to drive two twins apart , and worse , stay apart for years and not let any communications between the two parties . I almost got the sense the twist was included as an afterthought , like it didn 't really fit in there . This was the only problem I had from this otherwise riveting . . . more review World War I is on the horizon and the European powers are gearing up . On one side are the Clankers , who live and breathe machines . On the other side a World War I is on the horizon and the European powers are gearing up . On one side are the Clankers , who live and breathe machines . On the other side are the Darwinists , whose weaponry consist of fabricated animals . Prince Aleksander , would - be heir to the Austro - Hungarian throne , is on the run , after his father was murdered and his own people have turned against him . All he has is a battle - torn Stormwalker and a loyal crew of men . Deryn Sharp , is a commoner and a girl disguised as a boy in the British Air Service . When their paths cross in the most unexpected way , they go on an adventure aboard the Leviathan . Leviathan is the first steampunk novel I read , and I was very unsure of how I would find it . Besides , alternate reality is not some thing I usually enjoy . I like my history untouched and untainted , thank you . But all these elements together worked really well for me . I was absolutely fascinated by the world in which Leviathan is set in . There is enough history in this book to anchor the reader to the specific time period and the catalyst that kicks off the World War I . But it is not overdone so I didn 't really have to worry much about my history getting messed - up . Leviathan is alternately told from Alek 's and Deryn 's viewpoints . One is a boy , the other a girl . One is from a Clanker country , the other from a Darwinist country . Both speak English differently and uses different idioms . And when they meet up , each struggle with the other 's manner of speaking . I loved how both characters remained strong and authentic all the way to the end . They behaved as they would . Scott Westerfeld adds more credibility to Alek 's mannerisms by using spellings that reflect their time and language , such as " mechanikal " . Deryn especially impressed me with her oh - so - hilarious humor sense . Although she is disguised as a boy , I never felt that she was so boyish that I forgot that fact . Instead , I saw a character who acted boyish enough to fool the others , and yet thinking like a girl as she went through her duties as a midshipman . Deryn . . . more review You will notice that I do not mention any author for this book . If you look at the book cover , there is no author mentioned . This book was edited by R You will notice that I do not mention any author for this book . If you look at the book cover , there is no author mentioned . This book was edited by Roland Lazenby , a faculty member at Virginia Tech 's Department of Communication based on several eye - witness accounts and interviews . A few students from his media writing class were also involved in gathering news of the tragedy as it unfolded , and this book is compiled from those new items as well . My opinionApril 16th : Virginia Tech Remembers is a record of the events of that tragic day when Seung - Hui Cho killed 27 students and 5 faculty members . It is not a book analyzing the right and wrong decisions that were taken on that fateful day . For that I am thankful . A lot has been said and publicized about this event that this shooting requires no introduction . I won 't be bringing up that event in this post , but only what I thought about this book . For those of you interested in knowing what happened , check out some of these archives . Over the past three years , I have read a lot of articles about this shooting . Eye - witness accounts , survivor accounts . Interviews with parents , police and university officials . The suits filed against Virginia Tech . I was hoping this book will not go into any of the sad events that followed the shooting . I was looking for an account of that day and the following few hours . I was sure I will be crying . What I didn 't expect was that this book would also have me feeling uplifted . The start is very powerful . There were so many parts that were very hard to read . By now , I already knew the names of most of the victims and survivors . Hence , reading wasn 't easy . But amidst the deaths , there were several stories of heroism and courage - in how Holocaust survivor , Liviu Librescu persuaded his students to escape while he barricaded the door ; in how Kevin Granata decided to go downstairs and try to prevent the shootings ; in how the students of some classes held the door closed to prevent the shooter entry ; in how they helped their classmates through th . . . more Shopaholic Takes Manhattan is the second book in the Shopaholic series . It really is hard reviewing a sequel , but with a series as popular as this one , it probably doesn 't matter . I first heard of the Shopaholic series when the movie came out . They chose a tempting cover for the poster - tempting for shopaholics like me . Shopping makes me crazy . Just like the protagonist , Becky Bloomwood , I look at stuff and imagine what I can do with it . It takes a lot of conscious thinking to look at stuff and actually ask if I need to do something with it . Confessions of a Shopaholic was a delightful laugh - out - loud book that showed Becky 's obsession so well . Sophie Kinsella writes her heroines really well - she makes them unabashedly funny and yet not pitiable . They are strong characters , who happen to be human in their wants and desires . And Becky just wanted to buy stuff . If there was a price tag on something , that surely got her excited . In the second book , we pick up where we left off in the first book . Becky has managed to pay off her debts only to find herself in deeper debts again . In addition , her boyfriend , Luke is opening a branch in New York , so Becky is all excited to crash into the shopping scene in the city of skyscrapers . I loved this book better than the first one , which I read last year . I 'm not exactly sure why that is , since I don 't remember much of it , but I guess it has to do with more hilarity and better jokes . In fact , I could barely put the book down , because I was laughing too much . I also ended up talking to the book and to Becky so much whenever I sensed potential disaster , which for Becky happens too often . Becky tries to be better , true . In fact , she invents excuses for the same . She goes shopping for a business outfit , and adds a cocktail dress to the bill , because she " knows " that she may need to wear it at " some " point . She also walks into a greeting cards shop and buys $ 100 worth of cards because , you never know when a card comes in useful . Right ? She also falls into the same trap I did when I fir . . . more This was my first Sandra Brown and from what I 've heard , Rainwater is quite a departure from her usual writing style . I can 't really comment on that , but Sandra Brown 's prose in this book is really beautiful and inviting ! My opinionRainwater starts at an antique shop run by an old man . Two visitors are quite entranced by the eclectic selection of collectors ' delights that meet their eyes . At one point , they notice the pocket watch on the shop owner 's wrist , and express their interest to buy it . The shop owner , however is adamant that he cannot part with it , and therein starts the tale of how he came by it . The start was well set - up . The suspense , the motivation , the time reference - all laid the necessary build - up to the main story to follow . The old man recounts a story set in 1934 , when the economy was reviving itself from the Great Depression . The Federal Government came up with a Drought Relief Service , by which they bought cattle from farmers who found it exorbitantly expensive to keep the cattle , and those animals unfit for consumption were killed . Ella ran a boarding - house , where she also stayed with her autistic son , Solly . In addition , she had a helping woman , Margaret , who was black . The story is paced slow , but not too slow to interfere with reading . Ella 's relationship with Margaret , her boarders , and her son were well captured . Solly 's autism has always been a cause of concern for Ella , but autism didn 't have a name then , nor was there much research on the topic . I most appreciated Solly 's characterization . Sandra Brown does a really good job sketching Solly 's obsessive need for order , his lack of attachment with people , his constant cringing against people touching him , his very impressive memory , and his quick learning ability . Being blessed with the knowledge of autism , it is not hard for the reader to diagnose it right in the first few pages , and feel a yearning to comfort Ella that things are not as bad as she assumes . David Rainwater arrives in the story as a mystery . He has an illness , he helps Sol . . . more I read this book as part of the LOTR Read - Along , that is hosted @ A Striped Armchair , The Literary Omnivore , Shelf Love , and Just Add Books . Although The Hobbit is a classic that most of you should have read growing up , I first heard of this book and its sequel epic fantasy only much later ! Talk about not enough visits to the bookstore or the library ! Even when I heard of this fantasy , it was when I watched the LOTR trilogy movies . Months later , my brother garnered a copy of the trilogy and that was my first introduction to the books that inspired my favorite book - based movies of all time ! When I was reading the Lord of the Rings , I always assumed The Hobbit to be a glossary of the life of the hobbits . I guess it had to do with the book title , than anything else . Besides I didn 't have access to this book so I forgot about it ! Until , last year , that is . Borders was giving 50 % off on some books plus free shipping on one grand day . I was happening to go through a LOTR fever at the time , and the copy that my brother had bought long back was at home in India . So there , one thing led to another , and before I had time to think again , the books arrived home in a nice big box that had me grinning from ear to ear , as if Christmas had come early ! : - ) After years of waiting , I finally read this book , and was glad to dispel so many notions I had had earlier . ( Like a glossary ! How crazy of me ! ) My opinionRead about my expectations going into this book . Read about my opinion half - way into the book . Since I have already raved a lot about this book in the above two posts , I will keep this review short . I enjoyed The Hobbit ! It was very different from what I expected , and had a very different writing style from what I remember reading in the Lord of the Rings trilogy . Bilbo Baggins is just enjoying a yet another beautiful day with his pipe , when on comes Gandalf asking for his help on an adventure . Bilbo thinks it is all a joke and when he knows it is not , he just squirms away . Gandalf , of course doesn 't take " No " for an answer , and invit . . . more review What the Dead Know has some very vivid characters . I could almost love or hate some of the characters strongly . The woman - in - accident was a vibrant ch What the Dead Know has some very vivid characters . I could almost love or hate some of the characters strongly . The woman - in - accident was a vibrant character , who I hated from page one . That 's saying something since a major chunk of the book is from her perspective or focuses heavily on her . I do believe that Laura Lippman dressed the woman - in - accident in a persona that will be disliked by the reader , for reasons you will understand on reading the book . That was a clever ploy and served to both giving a convincing touch to the woman - in - accident 's claims and also building an initial bias within the reader ( Something to be careful about ! ) . Dave , the father of the two sisters , was a person who insisted on openness and sharing within families . His grief when the girls disappear is so palpable you could feel it through the pages . Till the day he died , he kept hoping for them to turn up . Miriam , his ex - wife and the two girls ' mother , gave up on hope instead , so that she could grieve . It was interesting following her life , but for the most part , I was unimpressed . She always struck me as a mild woman . Probably the girls ' disappearance changed her , but the hardening of her character didn 't really convince me . Also , am I being bad if I said that I totally disliked the eleven - year old child Heather for her " manipulative " ness ? The prose switches between the present and the past ( from the day of the girl 's disappearance to the day the father died ) . The narration of the past introduces way too many details , which I didn 't appreciate initially . But once the mystery was solved , what I was especially fascinated by was how many countless chips came together to bring about the disappearance . Now I wouldn 't call that coincidence at all , because it wasn 't . But there were several ordinary everyday events that one day led to something extra - ordinary . I applaud how these seemingly irrelevant matters were suddenly made significant in the light of the girls ' disappearance , without feeling contrived . When the revelations started coming out , I . . . more Brash , sassy John Corey is on the Anti - Terrorist Task Force team , waiting to meet Asad Khalil - a terrorist suspect who had defected . He waits with four others in the Conquistador Club , for the flight to land at the NY airport . Asad however has other plans , which do not include surrender . Although he was handcuffed and escorted by two armed officers , he manages to escape after committing a puzzling , almost impossible crime . Worse , no one knows what he is up to . I have deliberately left out some things from the summary , because there is so much to this book than the plain escape of a terrorist . I have to admit , reading about terrorism is so not my cup of tea . So I was definitely pensive about what I will find , going into this book . I worried needlessly . The suspense in this book was simply awesome ! Crimes that seem so impossible being pulled off with panache , making you wonder ' How did that happen ? ' I 'm not big into thrillers , and usually pace them out but The Lion 's Game reminded me of all the good books in this genre . It 's not a ' whodunit ' at all . We know the good guys and the bad guys right from page one . Instead , we have an old grudge simmering in a man bent on getting his revenge . And the methods he use ! Much as I despised Asad for many reasons , I found myself understanding ( not sympathizing ) him better too . The narration switches between John and Asad . Initially I waited for John 's chapters for the laughs he provides , but I soon found Asad a compelling person as well . Compelling and psychologically interesting . It 's not easy writing from the point of a person hell - bent on terrorism or murder . It 's not easy reading either . You don 't want to like the guy or feel sympathetic or understanding or even plain interested . So many things Asad did made my skin crawl . At times , I wondered what would have happened to me had I met him in the streets and recognized him , since he believes in erasing his tracks . His character became that alive for me - not in a creepy way but in a more in - this - world feel . And authors who crea . . . more I don 't remember exactly what inspired me to pick the first Hunger Games book , who recommended it to me , or how come I chose to read it when I knew nothing about it . I read The Hunger Games last year , well before I even discovered book blogs , so I know it 's not any book blog that introduced me to this series , although that can 't be said for most of the books I read nowadays . After I read The Hunger Games , I was left with an odd sense of weirdness and worry , because I didn 't like the book right away . How could I , when the book had so much violence and gory death descriptions ? How could I say I loved a book where kids killed each other - some without any sense of guilt ? How could I love a book with one of the most horrifying deaths ever ( those who read this book will remember how the last tribute died ) ? I felt horribly nauseated and remember closing the book many times . But after thinking about the book for a few days , I understood the message of the book and what Suzanne Collins meant to achieve . That I was disgusted was just the apt response . That I understood how horrible Katniss ' dystopian world is - was just what I had to pick up . Once I accepted that , I saw the book in a whole new light . Soon after , I read Catching Fire and if possible , enjoyed loved appreciated it ( for want of a stronger word ) even more . But neither of those books actually prepared me for the ride Mockingjay gave me , because , my - oh - my , this book is definitely way more complex ! Picking up from where we left in Catching Fire , Katniss is now in District 13 ( yeah , it was always up there ) . Gale had managed to save Katniss ' and his family from the bombs that destroyed most of District 12 . As for Peeta , no one knows if he 's alive or dead , as he had been captured by the Capitol towards the end of Catching Fire . Katniss spends most of the first many chapters in a heavily drugged up stupor . In fact , Katniss is dazed at so many parts in this book , and since the story is from Katniss ' perspective , it means we are also as dazed as her . Suzanne Collins rea . . . more
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Manor Farm is home to a bunch of downtrodden animals , who one day gather together to hear the speech of an esteemed colleague , Old Major , a boar , who calls them for a meeting in the barn . He tells them of a dream he had in which animals live together with no humans to rule over them . He then teaches them the song , The Beasts of England , which feature many times throughout the book . Inspired by his speech , three pigs , Snowball , Napoleon and Squealor make a plan to overthrow their master , Mr . Jones , which they manage to do . Then follows what usually follows a revolution - a means to reconstruct their lives , with plans to be self - sustaining and strong . Several rules are laid out and an order maintained . And of course , the bad decisions , power - control and political bad - mouthing also follow . I 've heard so much about George Orwell 's Animal Farm and 1984 , but both sounded very academic to me , which made me not want to pick them while I was doing my Masters . And I was kind of right in assuming that they were of academic merit , but very wrong in implicitly taking that to mean that the books would be hard to read and understand - at least Animal Farm was definitely not that . I listened and devoured Animal Farm on audio , and just couldn 't stop laughing so many times . The book was hilarious , but it was also a very clever take on human nature . It is satirical , and the resemblances made me chortle so many times . So let 's see , we have a bunch of animals , who succeed ( of course ) in overthrowing their farmer , and then the pigs come out as the natural leaders , because only they knew how to read . This was very interesting , because even in real world , the ones with plenty of degrees to their name ( though not necessarily more intellectual or wise ) , were usually the ones who won the posts to control a whole group of people . The pigs used that cleverly even insisting that none of the animals could possible do a proper thing , because they weren 't learned . Hence , knowledge = wisdom . The leader pigs , Napoleon , Snowball and Squealor , laid out . . . more Re - read thoughtsEver had a book that you would go to when your brain 's all fried and tensions are high ? No matter what you set your mind to , you can 't concentrate , and then you pick that one book . Much like having a glass of wine . Or going shopping . All those tensions just ooze out of your self . The Harry Potter series does that to me . Ever since I first read a Harry Potter book , I have always returned back to them once a year . Or at least to most of the books of the series , if not all . The first book of this series that I read is actually the fourth book , Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire . That happened after I caught the first raving waves about this series in the newspaper . I ignored the series . The news persisted . Every day , I would hear some gossip or the other about this series . I still ignored the series . After all , the idea of me @ 16 years of age reading this book that I branded " children 's book " is indeed laughable ! ( You can see how obnoxious I was then ! ) And then , as things usually go , in to this picture comes the proverbial cousin with a copy of the book , literally . He wouldn 't take " no " for an answer . So to appease him , I decided to bore myself for a few days with the book . The rest , as they say , is history . So now , I am re - reading Harry Potter and the Sorcerer 's Stone after more than two years . Believe it or not , I think I became an adult only recently . The last time I read this book , I lapped it happily . This time though , I got bugged by small nuances that a teenager wouldn 't complain about . - Such as , for the first time , I realized that this book is not written for an audience like me , but for those more than half my age . Which is to be expected , seeing as the protagonists are 11 years old ! It 's amazing though comparing the first and last books of this series - both in writing quality and in their darkness . The dangers surrounding Harry are only felt tangentially in this book . - J . K . Rowling 's writing is nowhere near as captivating as it is in her later books . That 's to be expected , of course , but I . . . more Re - read thoughtsOver the past fortnight , I re - read the third book of the Harry Potter series - Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban . For the first time , as I read these books , I pause to think . I 've been reading with breaks in between and also writing up posts on my re - read experience , while also marking out my favorite quotes from the books . ( Previously , I just raced through the pages . It 's hard to slow down . ) It 's been a thrilling ride ! The third book has always seemed to me the " coming - of - age " book . The series is beginning to take shape slowly . Some of the principal characters of the rest of the series ( Lupin , Sirius , Wormtail , Buckbeak , Trelawney , Dementors ) make their first appearances here . The relationships between the characters are defined strongly . In addition , we are introduced to the Knight Bus , Divination class , Hogsmeade and the Marauder 's Map . Moreover , this book had some of the best magical vignettes ever . I enjoyed the DADA class the best of all . It is interesting that this would be the only enlightening DADA class that they would ever have , in the whole series , not considering the meetings of the Dumbledore 's Army in the fifth book . Another interesting feature was Quidditch ! I loved the extensive coverage that J . K . Rowling devoted to this fun sport . Three games ! Harry 's receiving the Firebolt only added to the excitement ! On the other side , I admired Hermione 's role in this book . I feel she totally came into her own . Her desire to take every class offered by Hogwarts was endearing . But when she cracked due to the workload , I was relieved . It felt good to see that she had human limitations too . When I first read the Harry Potter books , I was studying . Hermione 's total dedication would in turn inspire and intimidate me . Like Harry , I could never fail to marvel at the amount of effort she put into her homework . The best part of this book , though , is the Patronus and Harry 's attempt to conjure one . I truly enjoyed the idea of a bright glowing guardian that is unique to the wizard or witch that conju . . . more Re - read thoughtsThis weekend , I re - read the second book of the Harry Potter series - Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets . This has always been my least favorite book of this series , because of which I never read this book too many times - in fact , probably only slightly more than the number of times I re - read the last two books of the series . When I scouted for opinions of other Harry Potter fans , I heard the same feeling echoed by most . What is it about this book that has made us like it less than the others ? Is it because it is geared towards a much younger audience ? But the first book is also geared to the same crowd . Is it because there is lesser humor in this book than there are tragedies ? If you like this book the least , I 'd like to hear your thoughts . I 'm not sure why this was my least favorite either . ( Yes , I say was . More on that later . ) I guess it had something to do with Aragog and his clan , or even the Basilisk . These are the creatures I was least impressed with in the entire series . There is also not much " variety " as there is in the other books . It 's mostly the attacks and the voices . One thing I decided when I started re - reading this series , was to walk into the adventure with no prior biases . That helped greatly this time . When I closed this book , I was surprised to see that I actually enjoyed this book much more than I ever did previously . That was one of the biggest surprises to me this time . I like it when re - reading brings to my attention things I missed earlier . Though , truth be told , there really isn 't anything I 've missed in this series , having re - read it too many times . I had forgotten that this book introduces so many firsts . It gives us our first glimpse to the Burrow , the gnome hunting , Harry 's connection to Voldemort via his ability to speak Parseltongue and similarities in upbringing , Dumbledore 's impressive office , Dobby - my favorite elf , Lucius Malfoy , Ginny . I think that 's why I liked it a lot this time . This is actually the first book that 's setting the stage for future events . . . more At fifty years old , Alice is a respected cognitive psychology professor at Harvard and a world - renowned expert in linguistics . Her husband is also a highly successful professor at Harvard . Their two oldest children were well - settled into their lives , while the youngest one , Lydia , didn 't attend college but found herself inclined towards an acting career . Lately , however , Alice had been forgetting things , such as a word that was at the tip of her tongue but which eluded her for a long time . Soon though , she began to forget bigger and more important things - such as which topic she was to lecture about in a class in spite of spending her last hour preparing for the class , a conference she was supposed to fly to in spite of having prepared for it all day long , At one time when she was jogging , she even forgot the way to her home although she had been through that street countless times in all the years she had been there . Alice was beginning to display the symptoms of early - onset Alzheimer 's . I cannot even begin to express how much I loved this book . For a long time , I had been hesitant to read it , knowing that a box of kleenex is essential . Moreover , someone I know well succumbed to this disease last year . As I read the book , I cried a lot . For Alice , her husband her children , and for all who suffer from this disease . What especially makes this book work is that Lisa Genova has written this fiction from Alice 's viewpoint . The reader gets to see Alice actually forget people . One minute , she 's addressing her daughter as Lydia , and in the next minute , she has metamorphosed into " the actress " . At one point , Alice has been excited to attend Lydia 's theatrical performance in her town . When the show is over , Alice doesn 't recognize Lydia at all , instead she talks to her as a stranger , congratulating her on her work . When Alice realizes that she is losing her memory , her to - do lists , which consisted of single words to indicate each task , soon transform into lengthy phrases with plenty of hints . So much of her experience feels . . . more After being on hold for this book since the October of last year , it was very satisfying to hold the book that has been touted as the top read of 2009 . I had once read the first page of this book , and loved it . This time , I can say the same for the entire book . My opinionThe Help starts from the perspective of Aibileen , a black maid , who works in the house of Elizabeth Leefolt , one of Skeeter 's close friends . Elizabeth is to be the host of the bridge club , in which Skeeter , Hilly , another of Skeeter 's close friends , and Mrs Walters , Hilly 's mother , are to play . Before soon , Hilly is insisting on separate bathrooms for the women of the household and the help , for hygiene purposes . Minny , Hilly 's maid , sasses when ever she gets irritated or angry . She strives to hold her temper in , but it never works . Soon , she has lost yet another job . To compound matters , Hilly has been bad - mouthing Minny , thereby making it hard for Minny to find another job to feed her huge family . Skeeter has just returned home after graduation , without a job or any plan about what to do with her life . Her mother wants her to get married , but Skeeter isn 't interested . She wants to write , and after much deliberation , she comes up with a very brave and controversial idea to write about . There starts a very powerful story of three women , or rather five women in my opinion , since in addition to the three main protagonists , Hilly and Miss Celia , Minny 's new employer are very crucial to the story as well . Did you ever feel when reading a book , that you had to whoop in delight or whip any character to nice manners , or cry with strong heartfelt emotions , for the sufferings of some character ( s ) ? The Help WOW - ed me on all factors . It touched me at a deep core , leaving me to think of the book for days afterwards . Not many good books bring every character to life , major or minor . Doing that makes a book great in my opinion . Feeling the presence of the characters around you makes their experiences all the more believable and credible . Minny , as the sass - mouth , w . . . more Some of my blogging friends wondered how I could read Columbine so soon after April 16th : Virginia Tech Remembers . I didn 't think I could do it either . But something in me wanted to understand why both incidents happened . How can someone walk into one 's own school and kill students and teachers ? Fellow students you might have played with or talked to . How can someone have so much anger in them ? ( Of course , terrorism is no longer limited to the school playgrounds now . But that 's a discussion for another day . ) I think . . . I still remember sitting in front of the TV on the morning of April 21st , 1999 , as I did every morning before leaving for school . I was 15 and had just started my 10th grade in a school in Dubai . Columbine was on every news channel that day . It was scary . A crime , the kind of which I had not heard of . It made me realize that even schools weren 't safe . I had not given it a thought before , but the news of that day acutely sharpened my antennae . Columbine by Dave Cullen , was a remarkably informative book . I thought I knew enough about what happened that day and during the following weeks and months . I couldn 't have been more wrong . As I was reading , I took two pages worth of notes . Half of them were indignant outbursts at some decisions taken . Thirteen lives were lost that day . Eric and Dylan expected to take 2000 lives with them . For investigators , the big bombs changed everything : the scale , the method , and the motive of the attack . Above all , it had been indiscriminate . Everyone was supposed to die . Columbine was fundamentally different from the other school shootings . It had not really been intended as a shooting at all . Primarily , it had been a bombing that failed . Dave Cullen gives an excellent insight into the minds of the killers , from almost two years prior to the " Judgment day " . Eric Harris is revealed to be a classic textbook psychopath . His diligent methodical approach to anything astounded me . If he weren 't a murderer , I would have been impressed with him . He was successful in fooling everyone . . . more review Sophie Kinsella is my favorite chick - lit author . I enjoy her books a lot for their fun factor . And after reading a lot of serious but rewarding books Sophie Kinsella is my favorite chick - lit author . I enjoy her books a lot for their fun factor . And after reading a lot of serious but rewarding books latelt , I needed to laugh while still enjoying the experience . Really laugh , as in rolling - on - the - floor laughing ! My opinionI received this book as a Secret Santa gift from a member in a Goodreads group . Before this , I had already read 3 books by Sophie Kinsella - Twenties Girl , Confessions of a Shopaholic , and Remember Me ? - enjoying all three greatly . This one was no different in recipe . The humor in The Undomestic Goddess was quite tickling . Not always , but mostly . It started with Samantha sitting in a spa , to use a gift voucher that she got on her birthday the previous year . She is a highly busy lawyer , with a non - existent social life , hoping to become the youngest partner in her firm . There , we get a rib - tickling insight into her stressed life and obsessive preoccupation with her work . Her work is scheduled at 6 minute - phases . Her daily routine would look like this : 11 : 00 - 11 . 06 drafted contract for Project A11 . 06 - 11 . 12 amended documentation for Client B11 . 12 - 11 . 18 consulted on point for Agreement COne day , when she makes a costly error , of the value of 50 million pounds , she loses her job and almost in a trance , gets herself employed as a housekeeper . Samantha Sweeting - who couldn 't cook to even save her life , or even take care of her own apartment - was suddenly in charge of looking after a mansion and its two owners . What follows is a hilarious account of her transformation ! I liked Samantha Sweeting the best of the Sophie Kinsella heroines so far , because for a change , here is a woman who is not obsessed with make - up or clothes and shoes , or any of the things that fascinate most women in fluff chick - lit books . While I wish she had some " me " time , she was still a smart woman who got things done . Even when she tries to resign from the housekeeper job , she does it so diplomatically that the owners offer her a raise . When she is in a soup , it is a treat to see her . . . more review I wrote and rewrote this review about 4 times before finally being happy with this . ( Whoever said writing reviews was an easy job ? ) I was struggling b I wrote and rewrote this review about 4 times before finally being happy with this . ( Whoever said writing reviews was an easy job ? ) I was struggling because there was very little to review , without giving too much away ! I had been pining for a good paranormal book for quite some time , ever since reading the Twilight series last year . But I was mostly hesitant to read any of the interesting books I came across , simply because many of them sounded so similar , that I couldn 't feel compelled into reading them . Besides the zillion challenges I was participating in made sure I picked mainly adults - oriented books , so I 'm slowly trying to invite more paranormal and YA activity into my bookshelves ! I finally chose to read the Mortal Instruments series , after two of my book clubs in Goodreads voted for City of Bones as the group read . What stronger wake - up call did I need ? My opinionCity of Bones starts out pretty well . When I read the synopsis , I wasn 't pleased . Bodies disappearing ? Invisible men ? Puhleez . But the book starts out better than the way the synopsis was put . The fact that only Clary could see the 3 people who just killed a green - eyed , electric - blue - haired boy in her presence , got me hooked enough to wonder what species the book is dealing with . Apparently , it is species in the plural . Suddenly Clary 's human world and the other invisible world merge , and a lot of questions start emerging . Now you see what I mean by finding this a difficult book to review ? I 'd rather not spoil any surprises for you if you plan to read this . There are a lot of paranormal creatures in this book that I remember feeling initially overwhelmed trying to keep track of who was good and who wasn 't . I couldn 't blame Clary either for feeling confused . There are vampires , werewolves , faeries , warlocks , demons , angels , and the ruler of all - the shadowhunters . And of course , we poor mundanes ( Did that remind you of muggles ? That 's the first word that came to my mind . ) The twists in the book were pretty riveting . This one is a meaty 485 pages , fu . . . more Fourteen year old Lily Owens has been tormented by the same memory since she was four - the afternoon her mother died . She stays with her harsh father , T . Ray , in a peach farm in South Carolina - a father who never acknowledges her birthday , doesn 't buy her anything , and is nothing like a father should be . When he wants to punish her , he makes her kneel on grits for an hour . Her only real companion is the fierce sometimes - outspoken black woman , Rosaleen . Then something happens that prompts Lily to leave her father and her home to a place called Tiburon along with Rosaleen . There , she stays with three black beekeeping sisters , August , June and May , who provide such delightful company and eventually helps Lily get answers to the questions with which she arrived there . I had been putting off reading this book for so long because I knew nothing about it , and the bee - word was honestly a little repulsive . ( I hate any kind of small creepy crawly fly - ly living things . ) But I 'm glad I read it because this book has been just WOW ! The Secret Life of Bees is a coming - of - age story of a girl who tries to comes to terms with what happened the day her mother died . It is also a story of how she tries to learn more about her mother , and in the process , finds some wonderful women who love her like a daughter . This is not a YA book , but with a fourteen - year old protagonist and with an abundance of sweetness in the book , I would imagine it could be one . Lily is now probably one of my favorite bookish characters . I loved her spontaneity and her close relationship to Rosaleen and the beekeeping sisters . Her presence of mind is what saves her ( and Rosaleen ) from possible trouble . The three sisters ( or calendar sisters , as Lily liked to call them because they were named after months ) , are characters who , you could say , have awesome screen - presence or " page - presence " . August , as the oldest , was also the most mature and sensible one . She took care of the beekeeping business , into which she initiated Lily . Although I 'm no fan of bees , I actual . . . more I have very little good words to lace up this review with . The book blurb had a lot of promises , none of which were delivered to my satisfaction . My opinionOpen Season starts on Daisy 's 34th birthday , when she gets the sickening realization through one entire chapter that she is a Miss Goody - two - shoes with no life to boast of . No husband , no kids , no love life in years , still living with her mom and aunt ( I know this is frowned upon so much , but I can never understand what 's so wrong or embarrassing about it ) . With the help of her mom and aunt , she gets herself a beauty consultant to help with her make - up and wardrobe . The beauty consultant himself has some plans of his own , which includes sending Daisy to certain specific nightclubs for man - hunting . In addition , she finds herself seeing Jack Russo , the Chief of Police a little too much . In the background , a Mexican illegal immigrant girl has been raped and murdered . If I write one more line here , I am sure I can wrap up the story for you too , but that 's for you to read and find out . : ) Open Season is more romance than crime . There are a couple of chapters devoted to some steamy sex , and there 's quite a bit of humor , for which I am thankful . Jack Russo provides most of the laugh along with Daisy 's new puppy . I wish there were more plus points to write , but I 've reached the end of it . As for what didn 't work , there 's a lot of coincidence at play in this plot . When there 's a lot of coincidence , it means there 's no mystery , since everything is falling into place for the characters . Right when the criminal plans to kidnap Daisy , she changes house and takes a day off from work . No one has any proof of impending crime , but Daisy 's whole family is being given protection . Daisy just starts groom hunting , and suddenly Jack Russo is interested . I won 't even mention the last part of the Epilogue . That 's just some of them . Another annoying factor was the number of pages dedicated to Daisy 's make - over . How she applies make - up , how her beauty consultant does it , the shopping trip . . . more It 's been three days since I finished this book , but I 've been pretty much hesitating to write this review . I wanted to gather my thoughts , which were in such disarray after reading this book . Besides , I was still imagining what life had been like for Esther Greenwood , and hence Sylvia Plath , wondering how after getting " cured " , the author apparently relapsed and took her life . This is the story of Esther Greenwood 's breakdown , her deepest fears and how she attempted to recover from it . In Sylvia Plath 's words , The pressures of the fashion magazine world which seems increasingly superficial and artificial , the return home to the dead summer world of a suburb of Boston . Here the cracks in her [ the heroine , Esther Greenwood 's : ] nature which had been held together as it were by the surrounding pressures of New York widen and gape alarmingly . More and more her warped view of the world around - her own vacuous domestic life , and that of her neighbors - seems the one right way of looking at things . Right from page one , I was able to identify with Esther Greenwood . I did go through a lengthy phase , some time back , when I questioned every thing I did , when I wondered if I was on the right path or career and whether I wasn 't just a robot going along a path charted long ago , without giving it much thought . Esther begins to first acknowledge her doubts when her manager has a quick reprimanding one - to - one with her . All my life I 'd told myself studying and reading and writing and working like mad was what I wanted to do , and it actually seemed to be true , I did everything well enough and got all A 's , and by the time I made it to college nobody could stop me . Her manager asks her : " What do you have in mind after you graduate ? " What I always thought I had in mind was getting some big scholarship to graduate school or a grant to study all over Europe , and then I thought I 'd be a professor and write books of poems or write books of poems and be an editor of some sort . Usually I had these plans on the tip of my tongue . " I don 't really knHow did I know that someday - at college , in Europe , somewhere , anywhere - the bell jar , with its stifling distortions , wouldn 't descend again ? Overall , I enjoyed this book . It is always interesting to look at a world through the eyes of someone mentally challenged . What does such a person see ? What does he / she think ? The reader always believes the narrator . So when you read first - person beliefs about others out to harass you or others gossiping about you in a corner , it is definitely moving and harrowing . . . . more review I might never have read this book if not for the movie , by the same name . I was enamored by the movie , enough to want to read the book . As happens alm I might never have read this book if not for the movie , by the same name . I was enamored by the movie , enough to want to read the book . As happens almost all the time , there were really big differences between the book and the movie , and I can 't say I am happy about that . I think . . . Landon Carter is a typical high school student , with scant interest in his academics . His father is a Congressman , whose family has a long history with Reverend Sullivan , Jamie 's father . Jamie , on the other hand , is the personification of the ideal girl . Loved by all , including the adults , for her everything is about the Lord 's plan . She manages to see God 's hand in almost every event , no matter how much sadness may be caused . When Landon and Jamie are paired up in a drama , they inevitably find themselves seeing each other more often than they had ever in all they years the knew each other . I couldn 't appreciate Landon 's and Jamie 's relationship much . I think the movie brought it out better , but in the book , it just fell flat on me . Landon initially doesn 't want anything to do with Jamie , and spends a lot of time letting the reader know what he doesn 't like about her . When his turnaround came , I found it hard to buy . His change appeared to me an abrupt makeover . The author tries to show it as being gradual , but when you consider the time span , it really wasn 't . As for Jamie , I 'm sure there are good girls like her , but a perfect one like her was just a little too far - fetched a concept . However , I was still able to enjoy the book . The length and the easy writing had a lot to do with that . A Walk to Remember is a breeze to read . I read it in one sitting . Landon proves to be a great narrator , as his wise - crack mind manages to see the humor in even the most absurd or dismal situations . I wouldn 't really call this a romantic comedy , which it is not , but there is some well - placed humor that can entertain you . Although I shed quite some tears while watching the movie , I couldn 't work myself up while reading this book . I guess that 's because I alr . . . more I finished reading this book at lunch yesterday , but since then I have been puttering around gathering my thoughts . The truth is , right after finishing it , I was not sure what I felt . I definitely felt relieved , since there was a lot of jargon in it that I didn 't care for , but I know I enjoyed it too . Firstly , this is not an easy book to get into initially . I read the first page of the book many times before I felt comfortable in going ahead . The first page is the most important page for me . I won 't give up on a book after starting it , no matter how disillusioned the book makes me feel , but if the first page doesn 't grip me , then I may not care for it much . Which is why , when I go to a book store to buy a random book , I read its first page before picking or dropping it . Now , I did give up on Haunted Ground a few times , but some of my friends kept insisting that the book is worth it in spite of the starting trouble . I guess I would say almost the same thing , but I would still prefer not to have to struggle for a few pages to get into the plot . Haunted Ground has two good mysteries weaving in and out . Both suspenseful . Thrilling . And gripping . Erin Hart laid out the initial buildup pretty well , and switched between the two plots fluently , without letting one get way too ahead of the other . One thing I enjoyed about Haunted Ground is Erin Hart 's writing style . Just ponder this prose : " And with the force of the blow , time seemed to telescope . The spaces between seconds allowed an almost unbearably acute perception of each sensation as it passed through him . He was conscious of the grinding sound of stone and mortar giving away , of sharp pain and snapping tree branches , then falling , falling into darkness , and the earth seeming to meet him too soon , with a shuddering thump . And then silence . A most pure and sublime silence roared in his ears as he struggled to take breath . " Such a beautiful paragraph , don 't you think ? Just to describe a man falling down . There are many such wonderful passages , which are a delight to read . I . . . more review After months , I finally finished this book . ( Yeah , months ! I feel so guilty about that . ) I started this book a long time back , but sorry to say , each After months , I finally finished this book . ( Yeah , months ! I feel so guilty about that . ) I started this book a long time back , but sorry to say , each time , I gave it up as a bad job . I finally put this book on my TBR challenge for 2010 and finished it last night . I 'm sure this book was not meant for me . I did get into the story after about a 100 pages . But it still failed me , especially the ending , which I just found too ridiculous and awful . My thoughtsFirstly , I didn 't find this book gripping or suspenseful . I read about a hundred pages , before I felt drawn into the story . It was hardly gripping though , more like slippery ice . You managed to stay on , but you could just as easily fall down . Occasionally , there were some interesting twists . Some of these had the potential to be turned into great angles . That was when I kept turning the pages . But some of the twists just didn 't make sense to me . All through the book , the existence of vampires was played off as a disease . That concept raised more questions than it offered answers . I definitely found the ending awful . I hate to say this . But it just didn 't make any sense to me . There were two plot twists in the end that were just too err . . . lame . The book might have fared better without the epilogue . Somehow the epilogue just set back the rating I would have given to this book . One thing I enjoyed about Night Runner is its humor . There were quite a few light moments , and they were funny . Not rolling - on - the - bed funny , but funny , nevertheless . There was not much character description , except for some focus on the main character , Zack . Most characters just came and went through the story . They hardly had much presence in the book . Overall , I didn 't enjoy the book at all . I wish I could say better , but it just didn 't sit well with me . There was a lot of promise , from the blurb on the back cover of the book . That interest just didn 't translate into the story . In nineteenth - century China , six - year old Lily is just beginning the rituals towards becoming a woman . As per custom , her foot is to be bound and her marriage fixed in a few years , even though it will be much later before she starts staying with her to - be - husband . Even before she begins her initiation , her fate and that of her aunt 's daughter , Beautiful Moon , are beginning to get intertwined with that of a girl named Snow Flower . I listened to this book a couple of months back , and my review comes really late . So while I probably forgot a few points , there is so much about this book that is still with me . For starters , I am not an audiobook fan , but I 'm beginning to understand that it 's more due to unengaging narrators than the audio book itself . Janet Song , the narrator of Snow Flower and the Secret Fan , does an impressive job in evoking the character emotions and conveying the tragedies and happiness . Girls in China had their feet bound at six years of age . I had previously read only one book which involved foot binding , and even then I assumed it was a harmless custom . Harmless ! Girls could die from foot binding , and that was a really shocking piece of news for me . Everything I needed to know about this custom came from the second chapter of this book . Lisa See ( and Janet Song , through her narration ) captures the dangers of this custom very well - the pain , the cracks heard as the bones broke , the compulsory walks across the room on bound feet , the regular removal of the bindings only to put on a clean set even more tightly - all to bend the feet completely , so that the person appears to walk on tip - toes . Imagine your feet and your pointed heels as one object - that 's how a bound feet would look like . I have never been more appreciative of the feet I have , in fact , I have almost sworn - off pointed heels because of what they 'll remind me . And if the bindings aren 't done properly ? You can get gangrene or blood poisoning . The ideal size is apparently 7 inches ( if my memory serves me right ) . 7 inches is not even a f . . . more review She smiled darkly and shook her head . " I 'm not crazy . I 'm not . Of course what else would a crazy person claim ? That 's the Kafkaesque genius of it all . She smiled darkly and shook her head . " I 'm not crazy . I 'm not . Of course what else would a crazy person claim ? That 's the Kafkaesque genius of it all . If you 're not crazy but people have told the world you are , then all your protests to the contrary just underscore their point . Do you see what I 'm saying ? " My very first introduction to Dennis Lehane was through the movie , Mystic River . At that point , I didn 't know the movie was based on a book , but when I did come across the book many years later , I knew I had to read it . Now I have a huge tome of Mystic River staring at me every time I look at my shelf . It 's not that I 'm not keen on reading it , I 'm terrified . One , because it 's huge . Second , because I never really understood the movie , Mystic River , and had to read reviews and spoilers to actually know what it was about . I assume the book is the same . So instead , when I saw Shutter Island at an airport bookstore , after browsing through the shelves for 15 minutes ( making me almost late for my boarding ) , I decided to risk it . At best , I 'll enjoy it . At worst , I 'll sleep . Luckily , the best happened . I actually devoured it . Here 's the first thing I noticed - Dennis Lehane 's writing flows easy . There were no heavy - vocab crunching or roundabout phrases , which is the impression Mystic River the movie put into my head . Instead , I got pulled into this thriller right from page one and enjoyed it to the last page . US Marshall Teddy Daniels arrives in Shutter Island along with his partner Chuck Aule to investigate the disappearance of an inmate from this inescapable fortress . Teddy is convinced that the place reeks of radical brain treatments and experimentation . What Chuck doesn 't know is Teddy has his own personal vendetta to carry out and that getting out of the island may be harder than either of them expected . To add to their troubles , there 's a vicious storm brewing and communications with the mainland has failed . Even before I started , I knew there is a major twist in the ending , thanks to my wonderful friends who had to . . . more review I had heard previously how good / bad this book is . Most people have been powerfully affected by it . They either really liked it or really disliked it . I had heard previously how good / bad this book is . Most people have been powerfully affected by it . They either really liked it or really disliked it . After reading it , I could see how it could sway you in either ways . You could either take the story at face value and be swayed by it , as I did , or you could critically analyze it and call upon its credibility . My opinionJanet Fitch writes White Oleander in a very eloquent style . Poetic writing is not some thing I enjoy usually ( since I 'm pathetic in poetry ) . But I didn 't have to strain myself here . The writing flowed easily , in fact , I couldn 't wait to turn page after page to know what happens next . White Oleander is told from Astrid 's perspective . She sketches a very vivid portrait of her mother , Ingrid - someone who scorns on anyone " beneath " her , someone who is highly appreciative of beauty and condemning of who / what doesn 't possess it , someone who believes she has to be in control and jealously frowns on anyone Astrid gets attached to . Beauty was my mother 's law , her religion . You could do anything you wanted , as long as you were beautiful , as long as you did things beautifully . If you weren 't , you just didn 't exist . She had drummed it into my head since I was small . Although I had noticed by now that reality didn 't always conform to my mother 's ideas . Astrid 's mother , Ingrid , did not give herself to men . Men came to her , but she frowned on them . Until Barry Kolker came along and proved to be her weakness . When Barry leaves her for another woman , Ingrid 's methodical jealousy has her murdering him by poison . Ingrid 's sentence to jail starts a six - year transformation in Astrid from the girl who worships her mother to someone who tries to stay away from her . Astrid 's years in foster care are almost gut - wrenching to read about . That a 12 - year old girl goes through so much makes it an even more poignant reading . Astrid happens to be very mature for her age . Her initial confusion over what her mother did soon gives way to an acceptance of what she will have to go through . . . . more The Geometry of Sisters was actually good . It just wasn 't for me . I think . . . The Geometry of Sisters starts with Maura Shaw moving away to Newport , with her two children , Beck and Travis . Maura 's daughter , Carrie , is missing and the detective on the case has failed to find any trace of her . Maura is the only one looking forward to the change to Newport . Travis misses his girlfriend , Ally , while Beck is antagonistic to moving away from home , where Carrie could be . As the story progresses , Maura 's perfect outer facade cracks as she comes across elements of her past that she had hidden for years . At the same time , Beck resorts to stealing , as a way to battle her demons . She had been caught and accused of stealing back home , and was in therapy . Travis finds that he is developing feelings for Pell , a girl in his school , whose sister , Lucy , is Beck 's close friend in Newport . I thought this story was pretty good , but somehow I could not connect with any of the characters and their problems at any point , except one . That one moment was late in the book , when I actually felt a character do a sensible action - sensible according to her situation . There are a lot of characters introduced in Newport , who didn 't kindle any sort of interest in me . There is J . D . , who became paralyzed the day the woman he loved left him , Steven Campbell , the math teacher , who has made helping the Shaw family his responsibility , Pell and Lucy Davis , another pair of sisters , whose story is told in this book 's sequel , The Deep Blue Sea for Beginners . Then there is Katherine , Maura 's long - estranged , would - be - no - longer - estranged sister . The many emotions captured in the book felt shallow for me . In addition , Beck often talks about sisters , her family , her problems , and her relationships in very mathematical terms . I didn 't mind it initially , but after a while , it got tiring to see so many things expressed in math terms . The audio book narrators however did a very good job . I would recommend this book to anyone who likes reading books about families and si . . . more Seven - year old Rachel Kalama is like any other girl , living with her family in Honolulu . Her father is a merchant seaman who is away from home for months at a time . Her mother works hard to bring up four kids . Rachel and her older sister , Sarah , fight like typical siblings , until one fight turned ugly and Rachel returned home with minor injuries . That 's when her mother notices a bleeding rash on her thigh , which Rachel could not feel . Rachel is proud that she isn 't complaining ( not even feeling ) an injured spot in her body . But her mother is anxious and worried . She gives the injury a couple of weeks to heal , and when there 's been no change , Rachel 's parents dress her up in long skirts and shoes to cover the spots . Her mother visits a local doctor privately for help , and Rachel is barred from removing her shoes ever in public ( much to Rachel 's anger ) . Until one day , something happens in the school grounds in front of a large crowd that reveals to everyone what is wrong with her . She has leprosy . Alan Brennert 's Moloka ' i is a brilliant read . Rachel Kalama is a protagonist anyone would root for . Mostly because she was like the girl next door . She could have been anyone from 19th - 20th century Moloka ' i . Alan Brennert didn 't try to make her some sort of heroine , or keep her safe while everyone around her suffered . Her disease not only shattered her , but also her entire family in a rippling fashion . How does one cope with losing every single person that ever mattered ? Over the years , Rachel meets so many people that even we come to love and pray for . And this motley cast of people are not just treated as faceless extras , but have very interesting stories and are molded into respectable characters by Brennert . They have their own place in the book and without overwhelming the reader get their story told too . In the end , I cried for every character in this book . In addition to the tangible characters of this book , Moloka ' i has several other characters - leprosy , the island Moloka ' i , and history itself . Through the book , we . . . more review This is a very tricky book to review . I thoroughly enjoyed Her Fearful Symmetry . Having heard plenty of mixed reviews about this one , I wasn 't sure ho This is a very tricky book to review . I thoroughly enjoyed Her Fearful Symmetry . Having heard plenty of mixed reviews about this one , I wasn 't sure how I would find it . On top of that , it was soon due back at the library , and I had 4 other library books calling my name desperately . I needn 't have worried . This book definitely got me thinking and I like it when a book does that - when it stays in my mind for a long time after I actually finished reading it . Her Fearful Symmetry is definitely a challenging book . Challenging not because of writing style or incoherent ideas . Challenging because it questions a lot of accepted conventions that you might have . At least it did for me . I remember feeling the same after reading The Time Traveler 's Wife . I would say that is the only similarity between the two books , that and Audrey 's beautiful writing style . This book got me thinking about a lot of things , but primarily about the relationship between twins . I have never known any twins , so I can 't say how accurate Her Fearful Symmetry is on this topic . But I like to believe she took an extreme case for telling her story . The twins , first Elspeth and Edwina , and then Edwina 's twin daughters , Julia and Valentina , are highly inseparable . After being together for years , cracks are bound to appear . What I found interesting , was how each set of twins responded to the troubles in their tightly - woven fabric . When the reason for the estrangement of Elspeth and Edwina was revealed however , I was a bit disappointed , since that wasn 't something I would expect to drive close sisters apart , not after being so close and sharing everything for almost 25 years . Maybe I am seeing it differently , but I expected something more severe . It just didn 't seem a reasonable excuse to drive two twins apart , and worse , stay apart for years and not let any communications between the two parties . I almost got the sense the twist was included as an afterthought , like it didn 't really fit in there . This was the only problem I had from this otherwise riveting . . . more review World War I is on the horizon and the European powers are gearing up . On one side are the Clankers , who live and breathe machines . On the other side a World War I is on the horizon and the European powers are gearing up . On one side are the Clankers , who live and breathe machines . On the other side are the Darwinists , whose weaponry consist of fabricated animals . Prince Aleksander , would - be heir to the Austro - Hungarian throne , is on the run , after his father was murdered and his own people have turned against him . All he has is a battle - torn Stormwalker and a loyal crew of men . Deryn Sharp , is a commoner and a girl disguised as a boy in the British Air Service . When their paths cross in the most unexpected way , they go on an adventure aboard the Leviathan . Leviathan is the first steampunk novel I read , and I was very unsure of how I would find it . Besides , alternate reality is not some thing I usually enjoy . I like my history untouched and untainted , thank you . But all these elements together worked really well for me . I was absolutely fascinated by the world in which Leviathan is set in . There is enough history in this book to anchor the reader to the specific time period and the catalyst that kicks off the World War I . But it is not overdone so I didn 't really have to worry much about my history getting messed - up . Leviathan is alternately told from Alek 's and Deryn 's viewpoints . One is a boy , the other a girl . One is from a Clanker country , the other from a Darwinist country . Both speak English differently and uses different idioms . And when they meet up , each struggle with the other 's manner of speaking . I loved how both characters remained strong and authentic all the way to the end . They behaved as they would . Scott Westerfeld adds more credibility to Alek 's mannerisms by using spellings that reflect their time and language , such as " mechanikal " . Deryn especially impressed me with her oh - so - hilarious humor sense . Although she is disguised as a boy , I never felt that she was so boyish that I forgot that fact . Instead , I saw a character who acted boyish enough to fool the others , and yet thinking like a girl as she went through her duties as a midshipman . Deryn . . . more review You will notice that I do not mention any author for this book . If you look at the book cover , there is no author mentioned . This book was edited by R You will notice that I do not mention any author for this book . If you look at the book cover , there is no author mentioned . This book was edited by Roland Lazenby , a faculty member at Virginia Tech 's Department of Communication based on several eye - witness accounts and interviews . A few students from his media writing class were also involved in gathering news of the tragedy as it unfolded , and this book is compiled from those new items as well . My opinionApril 16th : Virginia Tech Remembers is a record of the events of that tragic day when Seung - Hui Cho killed 27 students and 5 faculty members . It is not a book analyzing the right and wrong decisions that were taken on that fateful day . For that I am thankful . A lot has been said and publicized about this event that this shooting requires no introduction . I won 't be bringing up that event in this post , but only what I thought about this book . For those of you interested in knowing what happened , check out some of these archives . Over the past three years , I have read a lot of articles about this shooting . Eye - witness accounts , survivor accounts . Interviews with parents , police and university officials . The suits filed against Virginia Tech . I was hoping this book will not go into any of the sad events that followed the shooting . I was looking for an account of that day and the following few hours . I was sure I will be crying . What I didn 't expect was that this book would also have me feeling uplifted . The start is very powerful . There were so many parts that were very hard to read . By now , I already knew the names of most of the victims and survivors . Hence , reading wasn 't easy . But amidst the deaths , there were several stories of heroism and courage - in how Holocaust survivor , Liviu Librescu persuaded his students to escape while he barricaded the door ; in how Kevin Granata decided to go downstairs and try to prevent the shootings ; in how the students of some classes held the door closed to prevent the shooter entry ; in how they helped their classmates through th . . . more Shopaholic Takes Manhattan is the second book in the Shopaholic series . It really is hard reviewing a sequel , but with a series as popular as this one , it probably doesn 't matter . I first heard of the Shopaholic series when the movie came out . They chose a tempting cover for the poster - tempting for shopaholics like me . Shopping makes me crazy . Just like the protagonist , Becky Bloomwood , I look at stuff and imagine what I can do with it . It takes a lot of conscious thinking to look at stuff and actually ask if I need to do something with it . Confessions of a Shopaholic was a delightful laugh - out - loud book that showed Becky 's obsession so well . Sophie Kinsella writes her heroines really well - she makes them unabashedly funny and yet not pitiable . They are strong characters , who happen to be human in their wants and desires . And Becky just wanted to buy stuff . If there was a price tag on something , that surely got her excited . In the second book , we pick up where we left off in the first book . Becky has managed to pay off her debts only to find herself in deeper debts again . In addition , her boyfriend , Luke is opening a branch in New York , so Becky is all excited to crash into the shopping scene in the city of skyscrapers . I loved this book better than the first one , which I read last year . I 'm not exactly sure why that is , since I don 't remember much of it , but I guess it has to do with more hilarity and better jokes . In fact , I could barely put the book down , because I was laughing too much . I also ended up talking to the book and to Becky so much whenever I sensed potential disaster , which for Becky happens too often . Becky tries to be better , true . In fact , she invents excuses for the same . She goes shopping for a business outfit , and adds a cocktail dress to the bill , because she " knows " that she may need to wear it at " some " point . She also walks into a greeting cards shop and buys $ 100 worth of cards because , you never know when a card comes in useful . Right ? She also falls into the same trap I did when I fir . . . more This was my first Sandra Brown and from what I 've heard , Rainwater is quite a departure from her usual writing style . I can 't really comment on that , but Sandra Brown 's prose in this book is really beautiful and inviting ! My opinionRainwater starts at an antique shop run by an old man . Two visitors are quite entranced by the eclectic selection of collectors ' delights that meet their eyes . At one point , they notice the pocket watch on the shop owner 's wrist , and express their interest to buy it . The shop owner , however is adamant that he cannot part with it , and therein starts the tale of how he came by it . The start was well set - up . The suspense , the motivation , the time reference - all laid the necessary build - up to the main story to follow . The old man recounts a story set in 1934 , when the economy was reviving itself from the Great Depression . The Federal Government came up with a Drought Relief Service , by which they bought cattle from farmers who found it exorbitantly expensive to keep the cattle , and those animals unfit for consumption were killed . Ella ran a boarding - house , where she also stayed with her autistic son , Solly . In addition , she had a helping woman , Margaret , who was black . The story is paced slow , but not too slow to interfere with reading . Ella 's relationship with Margaret , her boarders , and her son were well captured . Solly 's autism has always been a cause of concern for Ella , but autism didn 't have a name then , nor was there much research on the topic . I most appreciated Solly 's characterization . Sandra Brown does a really good job sketching Solly 's obsessive need for order , his lack of attachment with people , his constant cringing against people touching him , his very impressive memory , and his quick learning ability . Being blessed with the knowledge of autism , it is not hard for the reader to diagnose it right in the first few pages , and feel a yearning to comfort Ella that things are not as bad as she assumes . David Rainwater arrives in the story as a mystery . He has an illness , he helps Sol . . . more I read this book as part of the LOTR Read - Along , that is hosted @ A Striped Armchair , The Literary Omnivore , Shelf Love , and Just Add Books . Although The Hobbit is a classic that most of you should have read growing up , I first heard of this book and its sequel epic fantasy only much later ! Talk about not enough visits to the bookstore or the library ! Even when I heard of this fantasy , it was when I watched the LOTR trilogy movies . Months later , my brother garnered a copy of the trilogy and that was my first introduction to the books that inspired my favorite book - based movies of all time ! When I was reading the Lord of the Rings , I always assumed The Hobbit to be a glossary of the life of the hobbits . I guess it had to do with the book title , than anything else . Besides I didn 't have access to this book so I forgot about it ! Until , last year , that is . Borders was giving 50 % off on some books plus free shipping on one grand day . I was happening to go through a LOTR fever at the time , and the copy that my brother had bought long back was at home in India . So there , one thing led to another , and before I had time to think again , the books arrived home in a nice big box that had me grinning from ear to ear , as if Christmas had come early ! : - ) After years of waiting , I finally read this book , and was glad to dispel so many notions I had had earlier . ( Like a glossary ! How crazy of me ! ) My opinionRead about my expectations going into this book . Read about my opinion half - way into the book . Since I have already raved a lot about this book in the above two posts , I will keep this review short . I enjoyed The Hobbit ! It was very different from what I expected , and had a very different writing style from what I remember reading in the Lord of the Rings trilogy . Bilbo Baggins is just enjoying a yet another beautiful day with his pipe , when on comes Gandalf asking for his help on an adventure . Bilbo thinks it is all a joke and when he knows it is not , he just squirms away . Gandalf , of course doesn 't take " No " for an answer , and invit . . . more review What the Dead Know has some very vivid characters . I could almost love or hate some of the characters strongly . The woman - in - accident was a vibrant ch What the Dead Know has some very vivid characters . I could almost love or hate some of the characters strongly . The woman - in - accident was a vibrant character , who I hated from page one . That 's saying something since a major chunk of the book is from her perspective or focuses heavily on her . I do believe that Laura Lippman dressed the woman - in - accident in a persona that will be disliked by the reader , for reasons you will understand on reading the book . That was a clever ploy and served to both giving a convincing touch to the woman - in - accident 's claims and also building an initial bias within the reader ( Something to be careful about ! ) . Dave , the father of the two sisters , was a person who insisted on openness and sharing within families . His grief when the girls disappear is so palpable you could feel it through the pages . Till the day he died , he kept hoping for them to turn up . Miriam , his ex - wife and the two girls ' mother , gave up on hope instead , so that she could grieve . It was interesting following her life , but for the most part , I was unimpressed . She always struck me as a mild woman . Probably the girls ' disappearance changed her , but the hardening of her character didn 't really convince me . Also , am I being bad if I said that I totally disliked the eleven - year old child Heather for her " manipulative " ness ? The prose switches between the present and the past ( from the day of the girl 's disappearance to the day the father died ) . The narration of the past introduces way too many details , which I didn 't appreciate initially . But once the mystery was solved , what I was especially fascinated by was how many countless chips came together to bring about the disappearance . Now I wouldn 't call that coincidence at all , because it wasn 't . But there were several ordinary everyday events that one day led to something extra - ordinary . I applaud how these seemingly irrelevant matters were suddenly made significant in the light of the girls ' disappearance , without feeling contrived . When the revelations started coming out , I . . . more Brash , sassy John Corey is on the Anti - Terrorist Task Force team , waiting to meet Asad Khalil - a terrorist suspect who had defected . He waits with four others in the Conquistador Club , for the flight to land at the NY airport . Asad however has other plans , which do not include surrender . Although he was handcuffed and escorted by two armed officers , he manages to escape after committing a puzzling , almost impossible crime . Worse , no one knows what he is up to . I have deliberately left out some things from the summary , because there is so much to this book than the plain escape of a terrorist . I have to admit , reading about terrorism is so not my cup of tea . So I was definitely pensive about what I will find , going into this book . I worried needlessly . The suspense in this book was simply awesome ! Crimes that seem so impossible being pulled off with panache , making you wonder ' How did that happen ? ' I 'm not big into thrillers , and usually pace them out but The Lion 's Game reminded me of all the good books in this genre . It 's not a ' whodunit ' at all . We know the good guys and the bad guys right from page one . Instead , we have an old grudge simmering in a man bent on getting his revenge . And the methods he use ! Much as I despised Asad for many reasons , I found myself understanding ( not sympathizing ) him better too . The narration switches between John and Asad . Initially I waited for John 's chapters for the laughs he provides , but I soon found Asad a compelling person as well . Compelling and psychologically interesting . It 's not easy writing from the point of a person hell - bent on terrorism or murder . It 's not easy reading either . You don 't want to like the guy or feel sympathetic or understanding or even plain interested . So many things Asad did made my skin crawl . At times , I wondered what would have happened to me had I met him in the streets and recognized him , since he believes in erasing his tracks . His character became that alive for me - not in a creepy way but in a more in - this - world feel . And authors who crea . . . more I don 't remember exactly what inspired me to pick the first Hunger Games book , who recommended it to me , or how come I chose to read it when I knew nothing about it . I read The Hunger Games last year , well before I even discovered book blogs , so I know it 's not any book blog that introduced me to this series , although that can 't be said for most of the books I read nowadays . After I read The Hunger Games , I was left with an odd sense of weirdness and worry , because I didn 't like the book right away . How could I , when the book had so much violence and gory death descriptions ? How could I say I loved a book where kids killed each other - some without any sense of guilt ? How could I love a book with one of the most horrifying deaths ever ( those who read this book will remember how the last tribute died ) ? I felt horribly nauseated and remember closing the book many times . But after thinking about the book for a few days , I understood the message of the book and what Suzanne Collins meant to achieve . That I was disgusted was just the apt response . That I understood how horrible Katniss ' dystopian world is - was just what I had to pick up . Once I accepted that , I saw the book in a whole new light . Soon after , I read Catching Fire and if possible , enjoyed loved appreciated it ( for want of a stronger word ) even more . But neither of those books actually prepared me for the ride Mockingjay gave me , because , my - oh - my , this book is definitely way more complex ! Picking up from where we left in Catching Fire , Katniss is now in District 13 ( yeah , it was always up there ) . Gale had managed to save Katniss ' and his family from the bombs that destroyed most of District 12 . As for Peeta , no one knows if he 's alive or dead , as he had been captured by the Capitol towards the end of Catching Fire . Katniss spends most of the first many chapters in a heavily drugged up stupor . In fact , Katniss is dazed at so many parts in this book , and since the story is from Katniss ' perspective , it means we are also as dazed as her . Suzanne Collins rea . . . more
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I know folks who are anxious to take down their tree and put all the decorations away as soon as the last gift is unwrapped . I prefer to linger among the ornaments and manger scenes as long as I can . Once the hurry and scurry of the season are gone I often find myself sitting quietly with a cup of coffee and a leftover Christmas morsel in the glow of twinkle lights on a tree , listening to the familiar and beloved hymns of adoration . I pick up a treasured choir child figurine that belonged to my Grandmother . She has rhinestone eyes , a perfectly shaped ' oh ' mouth and a head that was glued back on 50 years ago . I cherish that figurine and the memories of Christmas cookies at Neenie 's table . My eyes fall on the various ornaments that my children , stepchildren and grandchildren made and I stop to pray for them , asking God 's blessings upon them . I see a stray piece of wrapping paper that has not yet made it to the trash , and I am thankful for our abundance and the many gifts we receive that are not wrapped prettily with paper and ribbon . The intangible things of our lives . I hold cards from friends and family who are scattered far and wide and I am in awe of such a wide range of people who are part of our lives . All these things and many more catch my attention . But the one thing that I come back to again and again is the manger with the Babe of Bethlehem . Placed intentionally where the shadow of a cross falls across it . To remind me that the joy of His birth is only the beginning . Lent is just around the corner … and Easter is coming ! That twenty dollar bill in my pocket was for my manicurist . I have resolved several times this year to stop indulging in that particular luxury . The money could be spent more effectively somewhere else , etc . etc . etc . But I keep going back because over the course of the year , Lindsey has started talking to me . For months , I could barely get her to look me in the eye . She is painfully shy . She is from Viet Nam and I occasionally have a difficult time understanding what she says to me . The last time I thought I just was going to quit going back , she smiled at me and thanked me for being so nice to her . So I continue to go . Really , it isn 't a huge sacrifice . I enjoy the quiet conversation and getting to know her . Her shy smile brightens my day and we have formed an odd friendship . Many of the other clients are loud and boisterous when I 'm in there , but Lindsey and I talk quietly and sometimes she will even stop her task and look me straight in the eye as she talks about something . The shop was very slow and quiet . I asked if she 'd been busy and she sighed and shook her head no . Not busy . She supposed that people were busy shopping for Christmas . We carefully discussed a color choice and she said she was going to make sure my nails were extra pretty for Christmas . She takes such care in her work . I asked if she was ready for Christmas and she said no . She said she was glad that Christmas was on Sunday this year , because she didn 't have to miss a day of work . I 'm sure she only gets paid for days that she is at work . She had a worried , wistful look on her face . She told me that she would go to Midnight Mass and how much she loved that service . And that her family would all come to her apartment for Christmas dinner , but not a traditional American dinner . Her eyes glowed as she told me how they celebrated ' in my country ' . She said she misses her family back in Viet Nam during the holidays . And so she finished the task and before I paid for the service , I slipped the $ 20 from my pocket to her hand . She burst into tears . She hugged me and thanked me for being her friend . She said I had no idea what that meant to her . I paid my bill , wished her a Merry Christmas and slipped out into the parking lot that is full of evidence of the affluence that marks our side of town . Tears ran down my cheek as I recalled a time … not so very long ago … when an unexpected $ 20 meant the world to me . A time when I was a single mom , living paycheck to paycheck and not sure how I was going to afford Christmas for my children . Oh , yes . I remember . I don 't ever want to forget , because it is from that place that I grew empathy and learned to be mindful of those around me . It was those days of nearly desperate need when I received such generous gifts that I learned what it truly meant to be grateful . No , I don 't ever want to forget those times . This past year has been one of uncertainty . My Rocket Man lives and works in an industry that is quickly going out of business . We stopped counting the number of friends who have been laid off . I hear that 400 more jobs in our city will be cut after the first of the year . The possibility of unemployment in today 's economy and in his line of work is like an uninvited guest in our home . My job at the Church House is dependent upon the economy and the level at which people will continue to give . It is always there . Always considered in our decisions . A fairly regular topic of conversation . Through it all , we have been abundantly blessed . However , I know that this Christmas may be the last that we are able to give at our current level . So while I 'm able , I 'm enjoying every minute of giving away those bills . Mindful of the cutting back we are going to be doing in the coming year . Staring down uncertainty . I am not going to let that uncertainty take away the joy we have in sharing today , this month and this season . We aren 't going to hoard what we have … just in case . Rather we are holding our riches in open hands , sharing from our abundance and grateful for the opportunity to share . I must make a confession . You know when you are driving and you realize that you might be off course . Perhaps even lost ? And typically the male of the species is the one who will refuse to stop and ask for directions ? That isn 't quite how things play out in MolliWorld . Odd as it may seem , Rocket Man { the uber - male who isn 't in touch with his feminine side unless he 's touching me , because I AM his feminine side } is the one who is most eager to stop and ask for directions . I am the one who thinks she can figure it out and get where we are going with no help from anyone . Give me a map and a landmark and by golly ! I think I can get anywhere . I don 't know why I am that way . I will say on my behalf that I am pretty good with a map . I have a good sense of direction and it has served me well . I learned quickly in heavy traffic in Germany when I was a young bride and a map was thrust in my lap with the loud command to ' figure out where we are and how to get where we are going ! ' And all the roadsigns were in Deutsch , which was not a language I knew well enough in which to be even considered illiterate . What a pickle to be in while going 100 mph down the autobahn . In heavy traffic . At night . Anyway , I learned then and there to read a map - regardless of the traffic , light source or ability to read the roadsigns . Back to the requesting directions thing . I don 't even like to find a store clerk and ask which aisle the popcorn is on . I 'll spend many minutes walking up and down aisles looking for a thing before I 'll find a clerk to ask for help . Muttering to myself if the popcorn isn 't where it seems to me to be the logical place to put it . The Rocket Man , on the other hand , will ask before he looks . He says it is more efficient . Efficient - schmefficient sez me ! That would be one of the differences in us . He 's always looking for a more efficient way and I 'm often just out there for the ride . I 'm pretty certain I can figure it out and find where I 'm going on my own . Which sounds mighty independent for someone who for years considereYou see , the Saturday night after Thanksgiving , Rocket Man looked at me and said he wasn 't feeling well and he thought he might need to go to the ER to get it checked out . He had his right hand sort of held where his heart is and we headed out to the emergency room with chest pains . I blathered on and on for the entire drive , trying to be careful in traffic , but driving as fast as I could . Do you have shooting pains down your left arm ? Are you nauseous ? On a scale of 1 - 10 how bad does it hurt ? Do you feel pressure ? What sort of pain ? Even that unspeakable phrase , Do you think you could be having a heart attack ? All questions that I probably heard on Marcus Welby , M . D . as a child . Because I surely am not a medical professional and while I know a little bit about heart disease , certainly not enough to diagnose a heart attack . And I hadn 't stayed at a Holiday Inn Express in quite some time , so that couldn 't be it . I mostly wanted to keep him talking to me . Which was a good thing , it turns out , because when we got to the ER and they begin asking him all the same questions . . . he passed out . The nurse immediatly hit him in the chest because he wasn 't responding and she saw something on the EKG that was abnormal . . He opened his eyes and said { with attitude } ' What ? ' Somebody called for a cardic alert and brought a stretcher and people in scrubs were scurrying around me . I felt like they were moving at warp speed while I had slowed down to 33 rpm . Someone said that his heart had stopped . He was taken back to a room and outfitted with all sorts of wires , IVs in both hands , had blood drawn , was asked questions , monitors were read . Sort of like you see on TV , only without any commercial breaks . And with my Rocket Man as the star . I didn 't like it so much . I didn 't like it at all . I was right outside the room in the hallway , trying not to get in the way , with a clipboard full of papers they wanted filled out I was feeling very , very alone . And small . Quite small . I had already called my parents and asked them to pray . I called my Annie to come get the Boys Fantastic who were at my house . I texted my niece , Teri Lynne asking her to pray . My phone rang immediately and it was Teri Lynne asking what was going on and about that time someone said to me , " he 's having a heart attack " and Teri Lynne asked if I wanted her to come { she lives 85 miles away } and I said yes ! Come ! I called Rev . Boss and he said he was on the way . All of the sudden , I was asking for directions to someplace I 'd never been before . It was like the part of my brain that thinks I 'm big and I can do anything I want to do was in neutral and all that was engaged was my heart . Let me assure you , my heart wanted directions and comfort and people who love us . Within 40 minutes of the time he told me he wanted to go to the ER , Rocket Man was headed to the heart cath lab to find out what was going on under the capable hands of the cardiologist on - call . And I was in the waiting room with Rev . Boss { who arrived just as they were rolling the bed out of Rocket Man 's room . He asked if he could pray and the nurse said if he could pray and walk , because they weren 't stopping ! } . Family and friends began to gather after they took him back and shortly the doctor came and got me to view the film . The Rocket Man had NOT had a heart attack { Thanks be to God } but they were going to keep him overnight after the procedure . By the time we could see the Rocket Man , the nurse commented that he must be very popular , there were so many people there . He kept saying , ' that nurse punched me in the chest ' until I told him he 'd passed out . He didn 't quite remember that part . He was perfectly willing to take my word for it . We still don 't know what happened . We are in the process of seeing doctors and gathering information and taking it just a little bit easy . You see , his father had his first heart attack before the age of 40 and died of heart disease at 62 . His grandfather died in his 40s of a heart attack . So we take chest pains seriously . Thus far , we are finding out that the man is as healthy as can be . As I sat beside his bed that night in the hospital , after everyone had left , I realized that I was in a place I always knew I could be . . . someplace I always knew I might have to go . . . I just didn 't think I would be there that night . And I looked at that face I love so dearly as he breathed in oxygen through the tube in his nostrils and was overcome with gratitude . I knew grace in that moment . Grace so real I could almost touch it and gratitude flowed from my heart . I am so thankful that he recognized that something was wrong and was willing to ask for directions . Thankful that we got to the ER before he passed out . Thankful that my heart - yearning to suround myself with people who loved and cared for us overcame my head 's bent toward figuring it out myself . Thankful that even though the circumstances were scary , I wasn 't afraid . I knew that this little lamb and my amazing Rocket Man were safe in the arms of the Good Shepard . I 've faced my own mortality and stared down some scary things in my life . I live being ' off ' and with whole systems in my body that continually stump the medical community . I 'm okay with that . That 's me . I haven 't been quite so okay with the events of the past few weeks . I 'm getting there . I understand that this is part of the journey of our lives . This comes with being middle - aged and needing to know about heart disease and having affairs in order and asking people to make decisions for us if we are ever rendered incompetent to make them ourselves . All of that reeks of stopping at a gas station and asking for directions to me . And I 'm just not so good at that . But I 'm learning . So if you see me standing alone , looking lost and trying to figure something out . . . I might be getting ready to ask you for help . And I 'm getting more and more okay with that . Doesn 't mean I 'm going to give up my love of maps and figuring out which way to go . Just means that I 'm learning to have a head that matches up a little better with my heart . Because it is just more effiecient and you might know how to get where I 'm going . Did I mention that my niece , Teri Lynne , dropped everything and drove 170 miles to be with me because I said , ' Yes ! Come ! ' which I would NEVER have said if I 'd thought about it for 2 mintues . Becaue her husband is a pastor and they have an 11 year old daughter and it was Saturday night for - goodness - sakes and I know how crazy Sundays can be . If you aren 't already subscribed to her amazing blog www . terilynneu . com you should go there RIGHT NOW and check her out . She has a precious heart and she puts her money where her mouth is concerning her faith and love ! I may or may not be somewhat biased . Huge thanks , as well , to my daughter . . . Annie - with - the - million - watt - smile . She made a bazillion trips back and forth from the hospital to the house to get important things like comfy clothes , makeup , iPad , phone charger , etc . etc . etc . How wonderful to have grown - up children ! ! Its Friday , and while I haven 't done it in awhile , I think if I don 't write today I might burst at the seams and all of my insides might come out . It wouldn 't be pretty . So , I 'm going to jump on and set my timer for 5 minutes and write for the pure joy of writing along with Lisa - Jo at The Gypsy Mama . We write with no edits , from our hearts . The prompt today is : Tired : I remember when my daughter was a baby and her Dad was on a remote tour of duty in the Phillipines with the Air Force and she didn 't sleep . Ever . AT ALL . I ' mnotkidding . In her baby book , I marked at 8 months when she slept 3 hours straight . That was the first time she had ever slept 3 hours straight . It was during the day and her 2 year old brother was wide awake and a handful . { Her brother was sleeping 8 - 12 hours with one feeding when he was 10 days old . She was quite a surprise . In fact , she 's 31 and still doesn 't sleep well . } That year , I thought I knew what tired was . Tired is having grown up children who live on the west coast while you are in the southeast and who need you . . . and all you can do is listen and cry with them and pray . Because you know they were never yours to begin with . Those preschool boo - boos and predicaments that I thought were nearly insurmountable . . . HA ! Those were the easy days . Tired is deadlines looming on reports about numbers in the church that have nothing to do with the real work of the church . ( I am the Clergy Admnistrator in a large church and its time for annual reports ) But the bureaucracy of the church and its hierarchy seem to be very concerned with the number of bottoms in the pew and the dollars in the plate . . . not how we ministered to those people . How do you account for sitting and singing ' Jesus Loves Me ' with a drug addict , wracked with pain and needing a fix , who came in looking for help ? How do you put a number or value to helping someone plan the funeral service of the one they love most dearly in all the earth ? What place in the database form asks for the hours you have knelt in prayer for and with people in need ? The tissues handed across my desk . The joy shared in good news ? The sharing of the Gospel of Christ ? There isn 't a spot for that on the form . But I better report carefully the name of the person who did the last audit on the property . Oh , yes . I 'm tired . { and maybe have a less than sterling attitude } Tired is sitting up all night long in a hospital room , watching the man to whom you have pledged your heart and life as he breaths in and out . . . IV tubes running out of both hands , oxygen going into his nostrils and a monitor by his side charting his heart . Watching that precious man with whom I have built a life while he sleeps , wondering if this is what life will be now ? Being a place I thought would probably happen someday , but not today . { inserted note . . . my Rocket Man did NOT have a heart attack , but we were in the ER on Saturday night with chest pains and he had a heart cath run . We aren 't sure yet what happened , and I solicit your prayers as we go down this path of finding out . He is back at work today and we have follow up appointments to try to figure out what happened and how to prevent it in the future } Oh , yeah . I 'm tired . But I am also resting in the arms of God that held me long before I was even aware that He was holding me . I know that I can 't do any of this in my own strength , but that I can do ALL things through Him . And I have peace . And the coffee is still good . And the sun is still shining . And the deadlines will be met . And sometime next week , I 'll take the Autumn decorations down and drag out the Christmas decorations . But today . . . right now . . . I 'm really , really tired . That was more than 5 minutes and I didn 't mean to color outside of the lines . But writing all of that certainly made me feel a bit better and my phone rang 4 times while I was trying to write . Guess that is what I get for writing at work . I did come in an hour early and will be here late , if that counts for anything . Did I mention that I 'm tired ? It 's been over a month since I 've had a chance to go out to lunch with a friend . That 's a really long time for me . Normally I meet up with a friend for l . . .
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Me and Mr . Moon . Last January we bought our first horse trailer , which was supposed to get us mobile and travelling the world . We packed up from Coach W 's barn in the spring and survived a nerve wracking move to H 's where Moon is now happily in love and enjoying the wide open space . We dealt with a bout of unknown lameness that went away , modified our saddle fit with a thin line pad , added Lysine to his diet , swapped over to a new feed supplement and watched him get glossy on pasture grass . We made it to a solid year of lessons with Coach W . We headed to our first dressage show , got 1st , 2nd and 3rd place ribbons . We headed to our second show , and had our first go at jumping . We suffered a lovely leg injury , found ourselves out of commission and spent a little while just getting tubby . The horse trailer got completely finished , and other than losing a hub cap on the drive over , looked phenomenal . Better than I ever thought . We were ready to roll out . Except first my car 's transmission went and then even better , my relationship with my boyfriend of almost 9 years ended . Suddenly it was all about moving , packing and carrying on . So Mr . Moon enjoyed getting fatter in the pasture , the trailer sat , and all we managed was to get some fun jumping in under saddle . As I drag my feet through the final 6 or so hours that separate me from my Black Friday shopping , I can 't help but think about the holiday that is today , despite it not truly being a holiday for me . American Thanksgiving . After reading so many other blogs full of thankfulness , I thought " Gees , I wish I could do that , but I 'm Canadian and my thanksgiving has passed . Why would I be listing all that I 'm thankful for two months later ? ! " Maybe , just * maybe * I 'm still thankful for the things in my life , 2 months after Canadian Thanksgiving ? Maybe on American Thanksgiving , I 'm still thankful ? Heck , going out on a limb here , but I suspect , that maybe , just * maybe * I 'm thankful every single day , regardless of what state or country my feet happen to be in , regardless of the day of the week or the date circled on the calendar . My heart is always on that thankful day . - I am thankful to be me . Genuine , wacky , crazy , tumultuous me . Far too often I will do or say something and for a moment ( sometimes long , sometimes short ) think " Oh Gawd ! What did I just do ? ! What are people thinking ? ? " . The wonderful thing about being you , genuine you , is that the people that love you in this life , love you not in spite of these moments of pure crazy , but because of them . And if you 're not out there every day being your nutty self , then no one will have the opportunity to love the real you . - I am thankful for my family . From teaching my dad to " iPod " , to the 50 , 000 texts in 4 . 2 hours from my sister when her boyfriend is out of town , to the list of 18 different black friday items my other sister oh so desires , to my mom who slips me shopping money with a " shhh " , I love my family . I occasionally ( okay , usually ) want to beat each and every one of them over the head with a wrapping paper tube , but that 's family . If they didn 't exist , I wouldn 't be the wacky , crazy me . - I am thankful for my home . Not my apartment , not my property , not my house - that - was . I 'm talking about my home . That place I return to every night ( okay , * almost * every night . . . don 't tell my father ) , that is lined with pictures of all the things I love , my big feather duvet that I snuggle under at night as sleep lulls me and I find peace in a place that is mine . My solace . My retreat . My place to laugh , and have friends over , to build memories , to start oil fires , sneak my puppy into , retreat into when I 'm down , decorate with happiness when I 'm high . My home is my end - point , my parking garage , my resting point . - I am thankful for my friends . I have never before this year , realized the exact depth and breadth of their amazingness . These are people that have no genes to bind us , no requirement to stay , no force holding them close . Yet there they are . Pumping you up , cheering you on , smiling and laughing right beside you . This week has been one of those weeks when I swear , the value of my friendships were just slapping me in the face . From H2 's baby shower , when I couldn 't believe how important someone I 've known for such a short time could be , to Tuesday night when I headed over to H 's for dinner and little M demanded I hold her hand as we went downstairs , to watching an inspiring couple laugh about what real love is , to last night , sitting around the dining table with two friends I 've known since the dawn of time and being crazy silly me and hearing them burst out laughing . These people make my day , and for that , I aim to make theirs . And sometimes , that just means being there , being present , and enjoying the experience . - I am thankful for my job . It is painfully boring , mundane and repetitive right now , and I yearn for excitement . But when the pay checks arrive , when the bills disappear , when I wake up each day without the fear of how I will make it tomorrow , I remember that not everything will always be all excitement and mystery . Sometimes , mundane is okay . Mundane means you can focus your life on other things without worry , so today , I am thankful for having a mundane job that lets me dream about tomorrow . - I am thankful for my land , a little strip of mud and rock and trees , that holds my dreams for the future . It is the accumulation of my blood , sweat and tears , hopes and dreams , and I am empowered every time I step upon it , to use it as the vessel for all the wonder that is yet to stride into my life . It shall be the place where my fur family romps , where my human family gathers , where my friends pop by unannounced when they need cheer or are giving cheer , and where someday , I will raise my own family to know that true happiness is not something you wake up and merely have . It 's something you reach out every day to tenderly wrap your fingers around and draw closer . And then throw wide to all of those who come near . - I am thankful for a fresh chance to fall in love . Breakups are breaking , but they are also a moment to grow , to make the changes and affirmations in your life that you need to be a better person for the person that is meant to be within your life . I don 't believe that love is easy , ever . Instead we need to search , high and low , long and hard , for that person who is as stubborn and determined as we are to make it work , who see 's you at your worst and says " Hey babe , I got you . " That makes you see their imperfections and instead of thinking that you need to change them , you think that you need to embrace them , tighter and tighter . We are going to be our quirky , crazy selves , and then we 're going to be our quirky crazy togethers . - I am thankful for the man in my life , whether he 's here just another day , or he 's here forever . If you know me , you know I don 't do goodbyes , I don 't like parting ways , I don 't know how to walk away . But this experience has taught me that I have a great inner strength and a right to be loved in the way that I need to be loved . Wonderful , crazy me isn 't going to accept half - way , almost , close enough ever again . Instead , I will close my eyes and leap head first into the mess that is building a relationship with someone , and I must say , this someone is every bit of wonder and magic that I 've been missing . Now it 's just a matter of having a little faith . - I am thankful for the kids in my life . Having been terrified of these rambunctious little creatures for years , I now find myself captivated by their tiny selves . The way they can laugh and laugh over anything and everything , the way a smile can make a baby giggle , the way they can look at things with a sense of wonder , speak to you like they 're years wiser than they are , and how they always seem to know what you need , whether it 's an invite to play " farm " with them or to stick you in a corner in a tutu . You never know what you really need until a toddler tells you . - I am thankful for this blog and the ability to write . Without it , I can 't imagine the mess I would be . Writing is my outlet , my blog is my medium , the pen is my way of releasing my inner me , in order to make sense of this world we live in , the feelings we feel , the thoughts we think . I am thankful for all 52 of you who publicly follow the Moonpie and me , for those who hide silently in the background , to whomever it was that created blogs in the first place . I need this . I need this like an addict needs alcohol , heroin or gambling . And for the fact that this is my worst addiction , for that I am thankful . Like yesterday . Out to the barn , peak in on my gimpy horse , who thankfully had less swelling in the cannon and it was more localized around his ankle , still a fairly stiff puffed mess . He was still resting it quite a bit , but a horse owner can 't fret too much when they catch the " injured " horse backing and kicking at their pasture mate in order to stay supreme - leader - of - the - hay - net . Yes , he 's an a $ $ that way . Puffy ankle or not . And yes , I contemplated beating him into proper hay - side mannerisms . . . but I knew it would just lead to more poulticing on my part ; ) Up the hayloft I climbed , fed those darn ponies their hay , and as the sun settled behind the trees , I gathered their feed buckets and made my way back to the warmth of the heated garage . What can a girl seriously do ? Not much with a gimped horse and daylight faded before 5 : 30 pm . And a day job . There 's always this confounded day job . . . Irrespective of all of that , winter is a very distinct and separate season up here for me . You see , because when it 's blustery cold , the ground is frozen solid and there 's always white powder swirling about , you feel quite okay with laying aside the garden tools , the outdoor tasks , the need to actually " do " anything . Winter , when you live in a terribly cold and frigid place , is the PERFECT and natural excuse to hole up at home and vegetate . This is my season for relaxing . Suddenly I have weekends where I honestly do nothing . I lay on my favourite plush chair , an old book or a wrinkled magazine in hand , and I do nothing but daydream and fantasize and on occasion . . . frequent occasion should it be either a rare sunny day or a miserable cloudy day . . . fall asleep in the middle of a Saturday afternoon under a big down duvet and wake up to make christmas cookies at 7 pm like I 've actually reached old age . I know . Horses before dudes . But when the choices are freezing your butt off trying to pull a stiff bridle over your pudgy horse 's head or curling up on the sofa in a warm embrace . . . well . . . sorry Mr . Moon . . . Our Tuesday ride was bliss . The snow was powdery , covering everything nice and deep ( crazy snowstorm on Saturday / Sunday , with at least a foot of snow on the ground ) , we trotted in the pouff and cantered down the side of the road , snow billowing up behind us . It was majestic . The weather even was nice enough to not be a frozen core by the time we arrived back home after our 4 miles . I was in love . Regardless , I was feeling it again . Pony love . Men may come and go , but my horse will always be around . Time to show a little appreciation . . . So yesterday I got off work and made it out to the barn just before sunset . I was gonna do the 4 mile loop again , bareback in a bridle , even if the sun went down on me before I got home . I was focussed . Bundled up in all my gear . . . Run my hand down his leg and I can feel that it 's swollen and quite firm . Oye . This is the same foot that I found a blown abscess on the day prior , but seemed otherwise fine . He went well on our trail ride the day before , and I only felt the slightest bit of wind puffiness in that leg , which was normal . * sigh * He * had * been walking and standing sore on the weekend , but all the horses were ouchy from walking on the frozen mud clumps . At first Moon would toss his head and pull back when I tried to bring him through the man door , but I finally had enough and just pulled right back . Guess what ? He moved his big ol ' butt indoors . The bugger . Checked out the leg , which was covered in dried scabs and blood . All looked pretty old , 5 or 7 days by my guess . Didn 't seem like the cause of his swelling , but between that and the blown abscess , my heart was saying that he likely has a bit of an infection . That or injury , but it just doesn 't seem like an injury swelling to me . He rested the leg a lot and there was a little heat , so I gave him a nice poultice and spent the next hour just grooming him . Which I could tell he was loving . And I gotta admit , doing it in a heated illuminated garage made it actually a whole heck of a lot of fun ! Cleaned my tack space ! : ) Why ? ? Because I finally decided what I 'm going to spend the gift certificate to Richvale Saddlery I won this summer on ! Yup , 100 % synthetic bridle and reins . In black . FINALLY I can ditch * almost * the last of my leather gear ! ( as someone with a leather allergy , this is blissful ! ) . All that 's leather now is my girth . I , in all my craziness , invited a certain gentleman of the non - horsey type to come cheer us on , and H invited her cousin and another friend as well . So there was a small ensemble of us headed out to the show , which was set to be an interesting adventure if nothing else . H hadn 't had much time for jumping this year , H3 hadn 't really jumped ever with her boy , and I was . . . a nervous wreck despite having the most time in the saddle this year . The day , despite weather forecasts , was overcast , windy and COLD . Children shivered from their saddles , the ponies whipped around the ring and most of us had more than one layer on . Brr . The audience was frozen . Mr . Moon started his warm - up just fine , and then lost his mind . Gawd - bless his little heart . My gentleman kept calling him a ' scamp ' , which I think is much too kind of a term . . . he was a brat . I finally took him over to the side and just worked the Dressage snot out of him . Leg yielding , turn - on - the - fore , serpentines . Over and over , asking and demanding he yield and pay attention . I gotta say , he moves beautifully when he 's stoked like that . And my experience this summer in the show ring has taught me that he is NOT the type of horse that you warm up and then let relax . When he 's at a show , you need to work him CONSTANTLY and he 'll perform better and better , while still being hyped . My boy has energy . We did the x - rails without issue and I was pretty proud . Neat and tidy , a little waver here and there but he was willing and happy to boot around the course . Even went through it at a nice canter approach at times , did a 2 - stride and can 't really complain . He was a good boy . Mr . Moon headed in just fine , I loved his canter off the first jump , nice hunter line around to the 2nd fence , we wavered a touch going into the 3rd and I was a little off - balance into that oxer . Not bad , held it together but didn 't feel stable on my feet . Over to the larger candy - cane jump and he approached eagerly and jumped cleaned . But came off with a LOT of momentum to jumps 5 and 6 , the 2 - stride ( or maybe 1 from a canter ) . We can say embarrassing . I was just praying that the gent couldn 't see very well through the thick tree in front of the jump . " Oooh , look at me ! I 'm a jumper . Not . : P " # 7 I thought would be easy . I mean , it was a simple vertical with some natural spruce greenery under it . It was brown . Natural . Normal . Easy - peasy . Technically that would DQ me , but it was a fun show . So I rode over to H who was waving her stick at me ( yes , yes , I know . But I always believe I won 't need it ) , and I gave him two good smacks up to the jump . * Pop * we went over it , and carried on in a haggard manner towards # 8 . A plank . We did the course twice more , with equally questionable skill . Every time Moon hesitated and I pushed him to a jump , he popped over it , I was left unbalanced , and the next jump came to fast for me to feel rebalanced . Needless to say , it was sloppy and messy , and not what I 'd hoped for . Was I proud ? Dang straight I was proud . It wasn 't as awesome and I didn 't look as amazing as I had dreamt ( ha , we never do ) , and my form was nothing compared to the arena at home , but I was incredibly proud that we got to do it together , we did it with good friends , and we did it safely and without injury . When we finally dismounted , I was shaking . My legs were so weak , I nearly fell into the trailer when trying to make the step up . Wow , does this ever take a lot out of you ! The following summer after I owned him for about 6 months , and a year after the above pic was taken , we tried it again . While Mr . Moon looks like a more healthy specimen of a horse , I 'm now standing in my stirrups and while i 'm not laying ON his neck , I 'm floating over it . And I 've got some droopy reins going on . There 's still some leg slippage , but my straight leg is likely preventing it from being as worse as it really is . . . Now , let us look at yesterday . Moon was feeling sluggish ( two jump rides in a row ? ! ) , but seemed to have better contact with the bit . I tried my best to think about what my hands and legs were doing , and go about the course . If you saw the video , you 'd hear me counting strides and trying to get it right ( bahahaa . . . nope ) . The below one , I really like . My back is straight , my legs are bent and under me , my elbows while still flapping are bend . My back is straight , my head is up , I 'm looking ahead and I 'm neither over his neck nor way behind things . Plus , Moon looks like a tidy , happy little jumper here . Especially compared to where we started . . . Just a few more days until the show ! So excited ! Wonder what height we 'll head up into ? I 'm thinking a full 2 ' 6 " would be a bit much for us , but who knows . . . just going with the flow for once . Like we do , I 've spent many days simply moving through life . It 's only recently I 've really stepped back to realize how different the world is when we take the time to be attentive to the things and the people around us . When was the last time you stopped from your harried grooming session to sniff deep the scent of your horse ? Take a wander up the road in hand and while your boy nibbles the last of the green autumn grass , you stand back and simply take in his beauty ? When did you last catch catch a sunset ? Did you text your best to tell her she matters to you ? How long has it been since you wrapped your arms around your partner and just appreciated a moment of nothing ? I read something today that said we are too good at forgetting to be " human beings " when we 're so busy as " human doings " . I consciously now , every day , try to take the time to notice , appreciate and be attentive to the little things , the simple things , the beautiful things . And while I can 't say it 's the key to happiness and success in my life , it certainly leaves me renewed every day for whatever may come my way . My Sunday mornings are devoted to trail riding with H and E . The three of us will hit the local park , ride through the fallen leaves , canter three abreast down the trails , popping over the odd log , deeking around corners , smiling and giggling and laughing . We always get one crazy gallop in , where we urge our horses into their fastest gait and run side - by - side , laughing in all the merriment in the world . It is , and will always be , some of the most perfect moments of my existence . Friends , both human and animal , the bond to have a powerful creature striding out below you , the exhilaration as you urge him faster , laughing as you whip beside your friends , not a care or fear in the world . If there ever was truth to heaven , it 's right there in that moment . Saturday 's horse show . I 'm excited and nervous ! H and I are going with some other friends , and it 'll be interesting . We 're all a bunch of greenies ! On warm - up , Moon even jumped over a rail on the ground . Like JUMPED . That horse is nuts . My intent was to ride everything from a trot , since he should be fine doing those heights at that slower pace . We started out a little rough , and I can tell that I have a huge impact on him . When I 'm nervous , he wavers like CRAZY coming up to the fence . He also hesitates , gets in too deep and pops over . Focussing on just the x - rail and little 1 ' jump at first , I worked on getting a nice pace , keeping him even to the fence , my heels down , body under me , not jumping too soon and looking ahead and forward . After a few goes I felt confident in our performance , and we tried the 2 ' 4 " after the x - rail . Success . The second time we did the same sequence , I asked him transition to a canter after we made the corner , trying to maintain that nice pace and trying to determine how he 'd need to pace to arrive at the fence in a controlled manner and at the right distance . He got over nicely , and again , I thought about transitioning down to trot for the corner , maintaining our impulsion and circling back around to the 1 ' , as a way of making sure he didn 't think we stop and rest after every jump . Our first time through , he tapped the rail on the 2 ' 7 " with his hind and it came rolling down . I still rode him in the circle before slowing , and fixing the fence . Again , I told myself . We did it again , changing the order and direction of the fences so that we 'd have our own version of a jumping course . Once he tried to really rush the 2 ' 7 " fence , but he responded beautifully to my request to slow a touch , and I felt like we had a beautiful jump over it because of it . When we had done our ' course ' three times , I decided we were good for the day and didn 't want to wear him out before the weekend . But I really couldn 't believe how much he seemed to take to jumping . My little quarter horse seemed genuinely confident and eager over fences when * I * was confident and eager over fences ! My mind kept going to the thought of x - countrying him next year , when we both have a little more confidence . And sitting there on his back after his beautiful clear round at a canter ( remember , Mr . Moon never even had a canter transition before ! ) I suddenly realized something earth shattering . More crazy then the fact that Moon was loving jumping . . . I 'm still kicking around ! I am ! But life is INSANE , in the most wonderful way possible . Yes , it 's true . From the deepest downhill I 've travelled , I 've found myself climbing towards a beautiful sunrise , and I 'm excited every day . I 'm only even half alliterating on that , since I have taken to photographing every beautiful sunrise , sunset and cloud in the sky I come across . What is amazing , and always will be , is the AMAZING people in my life . Amazing . My worst moments ONLY stood to remind me and illustrate clearly for me , how incredible my life is . Last week , I sat on a best 's couch , glass of wine in hand , my cutest , most darling nephew on my lap gurgling ( and spitting up on my jeans ) , that best lounged beside me , us gabbing about guys and life and futures , talking about my home building , staring into her beautiful wood fire , our ponies warm and freshly fed outside the door , puppies snoring on the thick rug , my little niece asleep in her bed , and I kid you not , I could have exploded of pure bliss . Last week , I came to my desk at work to find a huge wrapped gift . Inside was a wine kit , a gift card and a card signed by 15 amazing people I worked with , both past and present . Next Saturday I 'm riding my horse in our first jump show , with my best and our two amazing ponies . On Sunday , my dad and my dog went hunting together , something I never imagined I 'd get to do in my life . And a week ago I lounged in the sunshine with my closest friends while celebrating their daughter 's birthday , as she showed me all of her doll 's clothes . I photograph every sunset and sunrise I see now , because it is the time when I stop , truly stop in my life , and appreciate what I have . I haven 't * lost * anything . Those things I want in life ? I have THEM ALL . I have incredible nieces and nephews who make my heart sing every time I see them . I have close friends who 'll sit by the fire and pour wine into me , dishing on everything in life . I have a home , because my home is where my friends and my loved ones come , to celebrate , the console and to be together . And I have happiness . My gawd , do I have happiness . Dwindling bank account be damned ! Broken car be damned ! I am , and continue to be , the richest woman in the world . And I have a thousand sunset pictures to prove it . On Wednesday , I officially completed my separation papers and was officially " free " . No more lawyers , no more pounding my head against the desk over unnecessary phone conversations . Completed . Finished . Everyone seemed to think I should be ecstatic and overjoyed , and I really wasn 't . And not because I was sad or upset . As my friend H told me , the opposite of love is not hate . It 's indifference . Hate is still a strong emotion ; indifference is the lack thereof . And so it was . The entire final signing was a non - event . Other than some frustration on having to pay more $ $ : P God bless the lawyers ; ) Honda had also approved nearly 100 % of my transmission repair costs , leaving me with just the fluids and wheel alignment to cover . A mere $ 250 in repair costs , for a $ 6k quote . I 'm THRILLED . So yesterday I took my car back to the dealer so they could pull the serial number and order in my part . Good chance I 'll be back in ol ' blue by the end of October . And before the weather gets cold ! ( love heated seats and command start ! ) . Of course , yesterday I made it out to the barn , and did ring work for the first time in WEEKS ! Or maybe even months . I 've lost track it 's been so long . However , the FIRST thing I did was snap a picture of the AWESOME prize I won from Val and his owner over at Calm , Forward , Straight blog ! I 've been meaning to get this pic taken , but being at the barn after dark feeding just wasn 't letting it happen . So finally I had my moment and snapped this pretty awesome one : Like LOVE him . I tacked him up in his jumping saddle , rode him about , he stretched down and out so lovely for a horse who hasn 't been asked to work in weeks , and then I pointed him at a fence . We did a couple of x - rails , and then I upped it to the 6th pin - hole . I think that 's about 2 ' 3 or 2 ' 6 " . And pointed him at it . He swapped to a happy canter three strides before , SOARED over it cleanly and gave me a few canter strides on the other side . I LOVE this horse . For a little QH , he just loves to do it and is so willing . And then we had a problem . I psyched myself out . The second time to it , I was literally staring at the jump and trying to keep him from cantering ( in my head going " but you don 't know HOW to canter to a jump ! " . . . if you 're rolling your eyes because the jump just previous he cantered cleanly all on his own , roll away . My mind never does make much sense ! ) and pretty much drove him right at the jump standard : P Since we jump skinnies ( lucky if they 're 5 ' across ) , there 's no much chance for waiver . Coming through the third time , he jumped clean , but again we drifted off the rail and my FOOT actually caught the standard ! And down the whole thing came behind us . Whoops ! Sorry bud ! I sincerely can tell you , our jumping problems all relate back to me . I video 'd the whole thing , and it 's obvious that he 's willing , tucked and has great clearance . Just some noob is up there freaking out and trying to jump the fence for him : P And wound up standing there beside him on the ground . Yup , landed PERFECTLY on my own two feet in the sand , facing Mr . Moon , still holding the reins . And Mr . Moon literally stopped DEAD the instant I came off . I mean , he just STOOD there , staring at me with bug - eyes . Lots of love , did some canter circle work , and then just loved on him . He is without a doubt , the best , best horse of my life . And I can 't wait for more fun together ! I hauled myself out of bed , dragged myself downstairs to my parents car and drove the 1 / 2 hour to their home to pick up my Honda . I swap keys with my mom , climb into my car and head off down the road to take it to the dealer in the city who would assess it and let me know if Honda will cover any of the repair costs on the transmission . You 'll recall about 3 weeks ago the reverse went and it simply sits there and grinds . . . I head up the driveway as the sunrise illuminates the road behind me , and as I near the end of the street , a good 3 / 4 mile from my parents ' , I remember that I left the temporary registration in my parents car . I do NOT want to risk driving without registration and insurance , since my luck would be the thing would get run - over by a semi - truck and I 'd really be hooped . More so anyway , than I already am . Which would have worked except there 's new pavement and a 1 " lip to get up . Not happening . I 'm a waif of a thing on a good day ; ) Hook up the tow rope , throw the honda in neutral , drag it onto the road . Go to unhook the tow rope and . . . the school bus pulls up . Yup . You see , my car and my parents car are spread across the road : ) I 'm waiting to hear back from Honda , as my car maintenance minder has never requested a transmission service , and there 's a slim chance Honda will assist me to some extent with the repair costs . I 'm not going to get out of this scott - free , but I might not end up as badly off as I could . Or maybe I will . Truthfully , I should have tons to blog about . I 've been out trail riding in the beautiful fall weather more often than previously thought , though less than I would hope . I have ridden with well schooled horses and riders , to green horses and riders , and sometimes a mix in between . Mr . Moon and I have covered many miles of grassy trails , enjoyed sunset rides and walks , and while I haven 't schooled a single drop of dressage in weeks , I 'm thrilled to be spending time with my bestest boy . Yesterday , it was another Sunday morning ride with a dear friend and another , into the beautiful park where the leaves have all changed color and are starting to fall from the tree branches . The canters we did , side by side , the ground rolling beneath us , were magic . And then the final gallop , where we let our horses out , and I raced one of my best friends down the side of the highway , our horses hooves pounding the ground , our breaths equalled paced to our mounts and both of us laughing and giggling like children on Christmas morn . It was bliss . With the impending move looming on the horizon , I 'm starting to feel more and more like myself . Yesterday 's news from the bank reassured me that I wasn 't about to spiral downward into a never - ending cycle of debt and break - downs , so I headed out to the barn with a smile on my face and appreciated the rattle of my parents ' loaner car . It could be worse . Granted , my boss * did * call me a ball of bitterness . . . ; ) Everything was quiet at the barn when I arrived , so I wandered out to Moon and proceeded to break a cardinal rule . I secret loath myself for doing it , but it 's an unfortunate side - effect of having a close bond to your horse . I hopped on him in a halter and helmet - less , walk / trotted around the pasture . Halo was along , so she trotted beside us , and we scoured the whole thing looking for one of the horse 's missing muzzles . Sure enough , there it was , at the VERY back of the field in a clump of grass . Buggers . I changed my mind and wanted to put him over fences again . I 'm not happy with our lack of pacing and his rushing at the fences lately . But I also was NOT in the mood to have soggy jeans for the rest of the evening as a result of riding bareback . Ew . Moon and I started by working on our dressage and staying loose . It is REALLY weird and I really want to have eyes on the ground again . Moon is . . . different . For one , he seems to carry his head lower and I want to say he more consistently works over his back . He can still brace and he still runs about like an evil rabbit , but I feel like he actually has a dressage ' form ' now . Weird . And possibly in my head . SURGE . He just sees it and seemed to rush forward . I got anxious , the entire thing got rough and we got to the other side in nothing resembling form or finesse . I had a pretty good feeling that it was the fact that approaching the jump I 'm going " OMG ! THAT IS SOOOO HIGH ! LOOK HOW HIGH IT IS ? ! I SHOULD HAVE MADE IT LOWER . SOOO MADE IT TOO HIGH . THIS WAS A BAD HEIGHT ! LOOK AHEAD , LOOK AHEAD ! ! ! " I rode some more dressage circles and figure 8 's , and focused on my tempo . What was Moon 's beat ? And I started singing the beat to myself , with every post . Over and over as we went around . When I found that my posting matched the beat without change , I turned Moon back towards the jump . And focussed on keeping my beat in pace with Moon 's foot falls . Suddenly , coming up to the fence he was beautiful . We weren 't rushing , but we also weren 't lagging . We trotted right up , he collected and popped right over smoothly . And when we landed , I went right back to our pacing , singing away . We all know it , but it 's amazing how much our horses pick up on our own nervousness , without us thinking we 're being that obvious . Sure enough , when I calmed down , he calmed down . And it got wonderful . Cooling him off , I realized that I REALLY need to take some new pictures of him . One , for my blog followers , but Two , because I think he 's changed a lot physically . And mainly , his TOPLINE . I remember in my head , that his neck seemed to dip along the top to his wither . But riding him around yesterday , it seemed like now his neck carries straight into his wither . And overall , his mane seems to sit atop a row of muscle , where before it kinda just hung off his neck . What goes down . . . Must come back up ? Firstly , thanks to everyone who sent their " pick - me - ups " . It really did mean a lot to me , even if most of us have never met . It 's simply nice sometimes to know that you 're not the only one to have REALLY , REALLY crappy months and that others have all bounced back . I have managed to carry on thanks to copious amounts of poutine yet again , and many , many wonderful friends . I 've had a couple of really rough days , and often forgot to look at the " brighter " side of things . Unfortunately ( or perhaps fortunately ) there are occasions when we all need a chance to wallow in self - pity , loathing and sadness . While it might be nice if we could all take the bad day with a smile and never ending optimism , I like to think that it 's okay to break down at times and just grieve a little for all the losses , the heart ache and the seemingly unknown future . When I typed Sunday 's message , I had originally planned on leaving it a draft , unshared with the world . I hate , with a passion , people seeing me weak . But in the same way , I created my blog to be honest about life , horses and all the things in between . Which means , am I being honest with myself if I hide all the bad things ? What if I started not sharing the bad rides ? The disappointments ? Failings in the saddle ? That would mean my blog is nothing more than a glorified piece of fiction , that is unrelatable . So why bother to write or read it ? Instead , I chose , as difficult as it was , to be honest about today 's struggles . That is a part of me . A part of all of us , and if we are too scared of our weaknesses , our low days , we only serve to give them power over us . After I hit " post " on that blog entry , I rolled over , wiped my tears and started revising my plans . _____________ In and amongst all of this , I 've been riding . And it feels great . Minus the hickups . For starters , Mr . Moon has been a total brat . He 's now pushing around the other horses in the pasture , and will back into them threatening to kick . On Sunday we went on a great trail ride , and iPosted by I 've had a couple people ask me why I would be so honest in my last blog post . " You literally told the world that you cried ! " , " You admitted it 's hard ! Don 't do that ! You want him to think you 're doing fine ! " , " Aren 't you worried people are going to think you 're weak ? " Where is the weakness in being able to admit that you 're going through a tough time ? Where is the weakness in being able to stand up and say " Hey , I 'm hurt . And 'm struggling . But I 'm still here . I 'm still carrying on , and I 'm not too proud to admit that it 's hard . " So yesterday I spent the morning with my folks at a farm auction , it was all nice and wonderful and afterwards my dad helped me change my transmission fluid . My car , perhaps 10 times or so , when backing down our inclined parking pad , has briefly ground its gear before shifting . We 're talking SECONDS . I had it at the dealership 2 months ago ( remember the last time it fell apart on me ? ) , and they said the transmission fluid was starting to be discolored so I should change it . We changed the fluid , no biggie , go to back the car out of the garage and . . . It 's been a lemon since the day I drove it home , it IS the biggest $ 35 , 000 mistake I ever made , and I offically hate that car . HATE it . It had been my dream car . Now it is a never ending burden on my life . HATE IT . Needless to say , we put it in neutral , pushed it onto the edge of my parents ' driveway , and I proceeded to spend the next 20 minutes bawling . You might think that while this sucks ( it does ) it 's not " that " bad . You 're probably right . In another situation . You see , the BF and I broke up at the start of August . After 9 years together , 5 years of sharing our home . I was waiting to type that out until all the paperwork was finished , but today , I 'm tired of trying to hold everything " together " . This month , I was catapulted into the world of single - dom . I found myself packing the last 5 years of my life into boxes so I could move into an apartment , I had my heart crushed , then crushed again , struggled through having to ask my parents for help ( they 're going to look after my dog and lent me a car so I could actually go to work tomorrow ) , balked at my monthly expenses , and cried WAY too much . Add in my horse was injured during this time , my dog is now stress - licking her elbow raw , I had JUST prior made the GREAT decision to ask my boss for more challenging work , and finally , THIS . My car is undriveable , meaning another loan I can 't afford . Did I mention that every plan , every dream , everything I thought the future would be is now shattered , and I keep getting cut every time I try to pick up the pieces .
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Mom had her surgery yesterday . She has been struggling for weeks with a prolapsed bladder . She kept telling me her bladder had fallen out - and me being a geek had to figure it all out . My memories of biology class aren 't that great , but I 'm pretty sure that a bladder can 't just fall out . But , as far as I get it . . . the walls of the vagina can weaken ( and with her hysterectomy - no uterus in between ) . . . and the pressure from the bladder can push the vagina a little inside out - and out of the body . Hence , the tissue that was exposed was an inner wall of the vagina because of a fallen bladder . She 's been in terrible pain - and every time she turns around having to " tuck " things back in . . . . so I 'm glad the surgery is over and done with and that she didn 't get an infection in the meantime . They put in a " net " to keep the bladder up and added some " reinforcement " so things stay in place . . . interesting enough . I keep thinking of the net like some sort of hammock - and the geek in me now wants to know - what the net is attached to - I haven 't asked , but I might have to google it a bit . . . . LOLShe 's hoping to go home tonight , so we 'll see . . . . They 've offered me $ 67 . 5 K a year . . . I said I 'd go home and think about it . . . it 's half - way between my low & high number I gave them , so at least they didn 't low - ball me . A friend from QCI had called me - - to discuss things . . . which meant that someone at QCI told her that I was considering the full - time position . She brought up the concern that I have that this department is struggling . . . but with a permanent position - they are really good about " finding new homes " for FTE . . . . There 's also a lot of stress & issues with management - between our group and the requirement managers group . . . but to be honest , if I do my job well and cya the way I know only too well how to do , I 'll be fine . . . . And then there 's the whole permanent vs . temporary thing . . . . which now that I 've given up hope of moving to Eastern Iowa for the short term isn 't an issue anymore for me . The money is only a slight raise over what I am making now , but I 'd be eligble for bonuses and a raise next year . I 'd be due for a better raise in a few months if I stay at QCI . . . so that is something to think about , but I don 't know that it 's a deal breaker . OK - I 've probably told both my reader 's my Jeremy story . . . but in case they 've forgotten . . . PHIL . . . I can easily post the story for all to read - for posterity . . . or something like that - LOL . I met Jeremy two months after leaving my second husband - the summer of 1999 - he 's a bit younger than I , and somewhat immature . The night we met , I made him PROMISE me that he was afraid of commitment and only wanted to date - have sex and have fun - but NOT turn it into something more serious than that . He worked with Alliant Energy with tuning and maintaining the turbines - he had been trained in the Navy to work with nuclear turbines and was able to turn that into a good career with Alliant Energy even though they use deisel turbines . We dated / brokeup / dated again for about six months . During that time I would get angry because he 'd do something dumb , tell him off , tell him it 's over , he 'd apologize , and I 'd take him back . . . because he never really did anything mean hearted - just stupid shit - like telling me to drive to meet him and taking off , stopping by at 4 am for a booty call , stuff like that . Or he 'd admit to hitting on another woman and getting turned down - which would make me think he couldn 't be faithful ( i . e . , lack of opportunity doesn 't excuse the fact that he thought about it . . . or wanted to do it ) ! But - a very cute , sexy , guy with a body that would make any statue jealous , and the sex . . . the sex was literally the best I 've ever , ever , ever had . . . . i . e . , like an hour - long orgasm or multiple orgasms that would feel like they were never ending . . . it was VERY , VERY good sex . He would get mad at me too - sometimes , over some stupid thing - and it was usually things that were making him angry with himself because he would not like to admit how much he wanted to be with me . One night at the bar , we were sitting at the bar off from the rest of the group we were out with - and he asked me to marry him . . . At this point , my divorce was about two weeks old . . . I thought he was joking and laughed at him . After fifteen miPosted by I 'm in conference all day 3 days a week - an ongoing working session that requires a dozen or more participants to discuss truly boring stuff . . . I 'm driving ; directing ; and keeping track of information and progress . It 's been going on for weeks - and we have weeks worth of work left to do . . . but away we go - it 's got to get done . Not sure how this will work out next week with time off for the holidays - but I 'm taking Friday - Monday & Tuesday off to relax , so that 's all good ! I will be SO glad when this is all finished - although to be honest , it often feels like we 'll never get it finished . ah well . . . . JR the banker from the south is wanting to go out again . . . I told him I was concerned about the distance and driving down there all the time - he told me that being I 'm in the middle of the moving process to not worry about it and it 'll work out - we 'll see . . . . I 'm not too eager to make plans for this weekend with him - so my heart isn 't in it . As for that heart of mine - I started thinking about an ex - beau last weekend - oh , but for a second chance to try to work things out with Jeremy . . . I 've lost track of him , last I 'd heard he was moving to Utah and I wouldn 't drop everything and move with him . . . . I still couldn 't - but oh , for a couple of hours in his arms again . . . that would be awesome - wassum . . . lolWell , onward with my call I took Big A to a job fair in Des Moines . . . a local " incoming " customer service company had announced it was hiring 350 people and opened their doors Thursday night and Saturday morning . Big A says he was the youngest person there . . . and I stated my case that surely that can 't be true . There were at least a half - dozen other mom 's in the parking lot . . . . oh , but they were dropping off children that were in their 30 's he responds . . . . 30 's . . . yeah . . . . if my kid isn 't working by his 30 's I 'm dropping him off at every company hiring and waiting to make sure he gets the job - shoot - I 'd hand - cuff him to somebody 's desk until they hired him , I think ! OK - well , things went well . The DHS social worker came this afternoon . She was happy to see that we had locks up high on the doors and I explained that we just aren 't used to having to use those locks so religeously . She liked the back yard and when she found that he figured out how to unlock deadbolts and climb the backyard fence - she nicknamed Little A " houdini " and wrote up a " safety plan " that states that Big A & I will be much more careful ensuring the doors stay locked . She did seem concerned and asked if Big A is my primary care giver this summer , but I said no , that he 's just a back up if all other sitters fall through . I have full - time day care , a backup when they can 't watch him . . . and that only if the two of them fall through , that 's when I turn to Big A . I mentioned our plan to move next month - and that I have already found a day care center - and that my friend Stefanie would be my back up day care provider . . . . just in case . She seemed much more relaxed after that and joked around with me about " encouraging " my eldest to find work since he isn 't ready for school . I knew it 'd probably turn out ok - but it was still a bit stressfull knowing that it was coming . . . so I 'm relieved that it went well and it 's over already . Lttle A has become very good at unlocking doors . . . . and sneaking out of the house . And when he snuck out of the house to play in the back yard that is fenced and gate padalocked - - I have to admit at being a very bad mother for not following him out to play or forcing him back into the house to stay with me . After all , who wants to watch tv or help mom clean the house when they could be outside in their own yard playing on their tricycle or slide ? Should I leave an almost 3 yr old alone in the backyard without supervision ? NO ! I know that . . . but he was doing so well playing on his own and checking back in every 15 minutes or so . . . and I could look out and see him playing so happily - it seemed somewhat harmless . Only - he since has figured out how to get out of the fenced yard . Ooops ! There has probably been four or five times where Big A or I have managed to forget to lock the lock at the top of the door - and Alex has escaped to the yard . He 's good about staying out of the street - but still . . . . bad news ! ! ! ! So , last week , when I was working late in the afternoon on my laptop and didn 't realize Little A had snuck out yet again on me - one of my neighbor 's called the police . I felt horrible . I do not feel angry in any way whatsoever . . . . if I had seen another child playing at that age in the front yard all alone - I too would have called . Now , however , Big A was babysitting last night while I was working late at the office - and was in the basement . . . Little A snuck upstairs ( and then outside ) . . . . Yikes ! ! ! ! and the police were called again . This time they are filing a request with DHS to determine if there 's a case for child neglect . Do I blame them ? No . . . do I think Big A was neglecting Little A ? Big Time ! Can I blame him though ? No . . . it 's happened to me as well . Do I want to go through the DHS process ? Not really - but then again , hopefully , they 'll see that he 's really a thriving , curious toddler who just has a busy mom who messed up and will make sure it doesn 't happen again . So , two things about moving . . . 1 ) hopPosted by I HATE BEING SICK . . . hate it - hate it - hate it ! I can 't breath , I 'm losing my voice , I 'm exhausted ( even more than usual ) and I feel like sh * t ! I know 95 % of it is just a cold - but there 's more . And I know it 's because I 've been sick recently and with this overtime - my body just isn 't coping well - but that doesn 't make me feel any better . All my aches & pains that were letting up in the last few months are back with a vengeance , so I 'm back on my pain killers - which I hate . I 've had some pretty serious dizzy spells again - so I 've tripled my intake of my anti - dizzy meds . . and now my right side of my face is numb . I 've got conference calls all day long , but I 'm betting that if I was as smart as I think I am , I should get a doctor appointment fitted in instead . I HATE the thought of not being well beyond just a cold . I just got over most of it ! I climbed a half - flight of stairs and had to stop half - way up to catch my breath - that 's like five steps ! WTF ? Oh , and while I 'm being a whiney little brat - remember my problem two months ago where something was very late - well now I 'm going to bitch about the opposite . Ever since I was late - my cycles are now running every 3 weeks instead of 4 . Which means I 've only got two weeks between periods - last time this happened , they had to put me on birth control pills to " fix " it because without them I was becoming anemic . Now that that 's not an option . . . I 'm not sure what they 'll want to do . I know my doctor back in Newton would jump to a hysterectomy - he was already suggesting it last year when I was on coumadin , but I was able to talk him into a " wait and see " attitude . But I think he was a bit too eager . . . we 'll see . Well , I managed to get 23 hours of overtime in last week . This week , not so bad , but at least a few hours of overtime in . Probably the same for the next several weeks . Of course , I would manage to catch a cold now . . . . but that 's ok . . . I 'll take my nyquil at night and sleep really well - and fumble through my days all dazy with my cold meds . . . and apologize each time I have to ask someone to repeat things three times , as sometimes that 's how long it takes to get through the fog . No word on the job front , but I figured it 'd be a week or two anyway before I heard back . I 'm planning on finding a storage unit this week ( ok , it 's been on the task list for a while , but I 've been terrible about not getting to the right places at the right time ) ! ! ! But , I 'm taking off work a half hour early today ( will work from home this evening to make it up and keep my overtime from disappearing ! ! ! ) . And Lord , I hope I can finally get this all figured out . Alex had a runny nose - but I think it was just allergies for him . So I 've got him back on benedryl . . . except now he 's not sleeping . Go figure . . . looks like I 'm going to have a second night owl boy ! I suppose I should get back to work , just had to take a bit of a break form looking at my database which I 've been working on since 9 am ! They haven 't made it official , but they 're going to offer me the permanent job at WF . They wanted to have a discussion about what I would consider as an acceptable salary . I gave them the range of what I could live with , and what would make me happy . And they are going back to HR with the statement that they will see what they can do - and " they don 't think the high number is out of the question " . Which is sounding very awesome indeed . It 's not that it 's a huge raise , but it 's a good raise ( if they can get the higher number ) - and with permanent placement , and good benefits ( like 5 wks PTO from day 1 ) . . . very cool ! We discussed the need for a little flexibility for taking care of my kids which they are very good about - working from home when needed is still an option - and per my boss - if I can get my work done in 35 hours a week , she 's got no complaints . . . . : - D The roles and responsibilities won 't change at all , I still report to the awesome manager that I enjoy working with so much . . . . the two negatives is that I lose some flexibility ( i . e . , moving to CR ) , and I will be more involved in the politics which isn 't very pleasant - but a reality whether your a contractor or not . On Saturday , I found a nice apartment in a nice complex - 2 bedroom , 2 bath ( Big A can share a bedroom with little A - it 's a nice way to make things a little less comfortable . It 's going to cut a lot of expenses - they pay everything except electricity . . . and the rent is about $ 100 less a month than my house payment . BUT , it means going to the laundramat again - ugh ! ! ! Oh , well , my washer and dryer are in EXCELLENT condition and I should be able to store them for a few years until I get everything back in order . Well , I can always spend the fourth of July weekend packing ! ! ! It would be awesome to have extra time to really dig through all that work . Work has been insanely busy . I 've been participating in 10 - hr working sessions going through the definitions / meanings / verification of 1500 data items . . . . and then coming home and spending like three to four hours doing database / spreadsheet mass updates to speed things up during our sessions . . . btw " participating " is unofficially running the sessions and directing the flow of the discussion since I 've been documenting all the updates / issues / action items . And being able to then re - sort / re - filter to keep us working on the priorities . So much for sneaking out early any day this week . The good news is that those who are responsible ( not necessarily those that are angry because their priorities aren 't ours ) are being very grateful for all the work I 'm doing . We 'll see if that carries any weight . . . ? AND now Little A who 's allergies have kicked up and I started him on Benadryl - has decided to become a night owl and stay awake until past midnight every night . So , I 'm getting a little burned out . So much for giving myself a lot of tasks for this weekend . I 'm planning on doing one or two things and crashing on the couch for the remainder of the weekend . Except perhaps a quick trip to Oskaloosa to go out with Mr R - or maybe I should nickname him JR since those are his initials and it 's more fun than Mr R - what do you think ? ? Anyway , he wants to go out again this weekend ( well , actually he hinted at during the week too ) - but I knew this week wasn 't going to work well for that . I spent all day yesterday working on database updates . . . Good news is that it means that I didn 't have to burn any PTO for Memorial Day . Bad news is that means it really isn 't being paid at overtime rates . That 's ok though , glad to save the time for future PTO . Who knows , I might even get to take an extra long fourth of july weekend - which would be an awesome time to move . I 've got the list of places that I 'd consider moving into . . . . but am going to try to contact a property management company first , in case I might be able to rent a town house - I really , really would love to have a place for washer / dryer hoook ups so I don 't have to do the laundramat then ! I had a great date with Mr R - the redhead . . . he flirts and teases , and is full of compliments . He 's attractive , a bit overweight , but not excessively so - and actually pretty kind . But , I 'm still feeling a bit down about the fact that I really do need to NOT buy a house in the next few months but rent some a place and get my bills and credit issues all cleared up . I know it 's the right thing to do , I know that I can find a nice apartment in a decent area for less than my current house payment . . . I know that as far as my credit is concerned it 's all for the best . I know I 'd said that I was going to wait to start dating again after I move . . . . but a cutie that 's involved in banking has wormed his way into my good mood and I 'm meeting him on Saturday . . . I 'll post a link to his picture later - he 's young . . . . 32 . Which is ONLY 8 years younger than I , but it 's enough for him to tease me about being older . So , I 've had to lay down the law that once we start dating , he 's not going to be allowed to call me " his old lady " . He 's a VP at a bank in Oscaloosa . . . and in digging into past history - the only things that show up is 1 ticket for not " maintaining " seat belts ( ? ) from the 90 's and his divorce . He doesn 't even have a single speeding ticket on his record . I 've made him swear that he 's not going to break up with me because I 'm too far a drive . . . lol ! Dinner on Saturday will give me a nice break from all the hectic - ness in my life ! ( I hope ) . So , three of my co - workers have rendered their resignations . . . one of whom is the access database guru . . . . which means that I 'm the sole access guru left in the department . . . . so I 'm hoping to use that to translate to better money . . . one way or another . As for the third option of sub - contracting through another company - it 's out , as I have a non - compete clause in my employment contract . BUT , if the terms of the job change enough , then that means that I could possibly ask for a new job title - which could mean a renogiation of my existing contract - which could mean more money for QCI & myself . But , simpler yet - is getting the job offer for $ 80k . So , we wait and see . I 'll let you know more when I know more . 1 . Do you use an alarm clock to wake up ? Yes , actually 22 . What time does your alarm go off ? 6 : 00 and 6 : 203 . What sound does it make ? radio on the first , beep beep beep - on the second4 . Do you hit the snooze button ? How many times ? REPEATEDLY - over and over again ! 5 . If you have a partner , do they have a separate alarm ? n / a6 . Does your partner get up at the same time , earlier or later ? n / a . 7 . Is your clock set ahead ? If so , by how much ? yes , by half an hour - although it really doesn 't help8 . What 's the first thing you do when you get up ? pee , contacts , teeth . . . 9 . Do you eat breakfast ? If so , what ? granola or special k bars in the car on the way to work with my Pepsi10 . How long does it take you to get ready ? If I shower the night before 15 minutes - otherwise 3011 . On the weekends , what time do you get up ? as late as Little A will let me - which is usually about 8 12 . Do you lounge or do you jump into action ? leap into action - unless all those snooze button hits count as lounging13 . In an ideal world , what time would you get up ? 8 : 30 14 . How many hours of sleep do you typically get ? 8 to 915 . How many hours of sleep do you want to get ? at least 9 right now - wish I wasn 't so tired all the time so I could say 8 OK - so first good news - there 's no chance that I will be being ' let go ' as of the end of June . . . so that pressure is off ( not that I was overly worried . . . ) just got formal word that they 've got enough work to keep us going for a while . Second piece of good news - I 'm in the top two for the BA level 4 job . . . which is going to be approx $ 80k per year . Third piece of maybe good news - if that doesn 't pan out . . . we 're currently helping with designing a restructuring for providing additional support and more " focused " support to our technology partners . . . and my manager is all set to allow us to " renegoatiate " and end our existing contracts to set up new ones - - with at least a 100 % raise . 100 % ! ! ! ! that 's double . . . or maybe even more . Now , there 's no guarantee at all about this - and they 'd obviously would rather hire me direct for $ 80k instead of paying a contractor six figures . . . but the money is there , the need is there - and there 's only two of us capable of the position - and one of them just interviewed for a different position . Which if he gets it - leaves me alone . . . ( oh , and he didn 't apply for the BA job ) . So , here we are . . . Hmmm . . . . guess moving to Cedar Rapids is completely out of the question after all ! I am a straight - shooting , newly - wed ( at the age of 50 ! ) mother of three Men / boys and grandmother to two . Been through it all , and eager to see what is around the next corner . Always something going on in my life , good or bad , happy or sad . Life is meant to be lived and felt with the whole heart .
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" I 've always raced him clean and he always races me dirty , " Power told TV reporters the minute he was out of the car . " He did the same at St . Pete : he drove me into the wall and I didn 't say anything . He did it again today . " Does anyone ever penalise this guy ? He 's as dirty as you like , " he went on . " It was such a dirty move … He 's the guy that mouths off about everyone and whines about everyone , and he 's the guy racing dirty who never gets a penalty from IndyCar . It 's just not right . " I 'm not surprised he didn 't get a penalty , he never gets a penalty , " he vented . " IndyCar won 't penalize them because Chip Ganassi goes up there and gives it to them . It 's just wrong . " Franchitti had obviously been briefed over the ream radio about the raging controversy as he made his way to victory lane , and was immediately conciliatory : " Obviously , there was contact with Will . If he 's p * ssed off , he 's quite right to be p * ssed off , " he said in typically robust language . " I 'll take more than 50 % … But he has to take at least 50 % of the blame . He left me a lane and then he came down , " he said , adding : " It was like he opened the door for me to pass and then closed it - too late . " I braked as late as I could , and he went a little bit deeper but as a result of that he went wide , " he explained . " Will started to crowd me , and unfortunately the wall came out , I couldn 't get further to the right because there was a wall there … I tried to get out of it but I couldn 't . " He added : " I have to say if I was him I 'd have been steamed too , but hopefully when he watches the replay he 'll see it was a racing incident . " It didn 't seem likely . " Hey princess thanks for that nice tap today - appreciate it , " Power posted sarcastically to Franchitti on Twitter in the evening . " I did watch it and could not have raced you any cleaner - - P * SSED ! " Defending his decision to look down the inside of Power into turn 3 in the first place , Franchitti insisted that it 's part and parcel of being a racing driver . " If you 're not going to make any moves at all , you 're going to sit in whatever position you started in . But , yeah , crazy day here in Toronto ! " Despite the diplomacy , the idea that he was a " dirty racer " clearly stung Franchitti . " I believe if you ask anyone in the paddock , they will tell you that is not how I race … I think I 'm known in the paddock as not someone who drives dirty , so I 'm not really sure what he 's talking about , " he said . " I understand he 's upset , but hopefully when he cools down he 'll reassess that … If he doesn 't , I have no control over what he thinks . I 'm going to continue to race the same way I 've raced since I 've been in North America . " " Pretty typical of him , Tagliani 's just a w * nker , he 's always been a w * nker , " said a disgruntled Power once he 'd stopped venting at Dario . " We were just trying to get the best result possible before Tag hit me from behind . It 's very tough to have two DNFs in a row . All I can say is we 'll keep working hard and hopefully come back strong at Edmonton . " " I am sure Will is pretty upset … The contact with Will was also a shame , " said Tagliani in response . " I tried to pass him a couple of times in turn three . He was blocking a bit , and then I made a move on the inside [ and ] it got tight . " Tony Kanaan was also fuming after being the victim of the race 's first of eight full course cautions when he was spun in turn 3 by Ryan Briscoe , and he had some unequivocal gestures for the Penske driver when the field circulated past the scene of the accident . " It was so stupid , he had plenty of room , I don 't know what he did , " said Kanaan . " I guess when your team mate is winning a lot and you 're not , you 're feeling the pressure , " referring to Briscoe 's disappointing form compared with that of Will Power in the same hardware . Then there was Graham Rahal , who looked set to claim an impressive third place late in the race until he was spun out by Ryan Hunter - Reay . " I just got hit , " said Rahal afterwards . " I 'm really ticked and I 'm trying to control my emotions . That 's not like Hunter - Reay , but I guess some people strap on their helmets and lose their brain . " " Graham got way out into the marbles there , and then he started coming across , and there was more than enough room for two cars , and I got up in there , I already had my momentum , I was coming to the corner , " said Hunter - Reay in response . " And he just came straight across . He had to know I was there . " " Yeah , it doesn 't make sense , " said team owner Michael Andretti of the aborted restarts that prolonged the cautions . " They 're obviously doing it on purpose so that he gets it on fuel . One time is okay , twice you [ should be ] in the back … It 's unfair . " " There was nothing bad going on there , " insisted Franchitti who was trying to line up alongside Rahal for the restart . " He couldn 't run the outside of [ turn ] 10 in the marbles , so he was taking my lane , and I couldn 't get on the outside of 11 , so I couldn 't get alongside him . I tried it once and almost smacked the fence down . We were doing our best , the restarts were tough just because of the marbles on them . " Chip Ganassi denied any conspiracy and said that he 'd had to go over to Rahal 's crew to explain the problem to them , after which the restart proceeded normally . But relations even seemed strained within the extended Ganassi family , with Dixon not taking too kindly to the upstart Rahal getting in the way of the serious business , calling the young American driver " a pain in the ass " and adding that Rahal " got his just desserts " when Hunter - Reay spun him out . " I am not going to make it easy for people to get by me … I raced them hard , and I raced them clean , " said Rahal of his run at the front with Franchitti and Dixon late in the race . " I 'm on Chip Ganassi 's team for a reason , and I want to win races , " he pointed out , adding : " These guys are supposed to be teammates … I find it shocking that they continue to make comments about me . " " I am not going to back down if I think it 's my corner , " Hinchcliffe insisted afterwards , showing he was made from the same tough stuff as the hard - headed Tracy . " We all know what Paul is like , but I have to make sure everyone knows I am going to hold my ground . It was a racing incident , but if I were in his position , which I was later in the race , I made it out . " Marco did receive a penalty for avoidable contact , as did Tagliani for the hit on Power and Danica Patrick for the accident involving Tagliani and Jakes . Mike Conway was also penalised for steaming into the back of Ryan Briscoe during a midrace restart . " I have to apologize to Ryan for ruining his race ; completely a brain fade on my part , " Conway said afterwards . Which brings us back to the question of why there was no penalty for Dario Franchitti for the accident that gives him - intentionally or not - a vital upper hand in the IndyCar championship battle at a crucial moment , which he now leads by 55pts . Is Power right that IndyCar regards Franchitti as " untouchable " and too big to penalise ? Simmering in the background was a lot of ill feeling left over from Milwaukee , when Dario Franchitti clipped a tyre laid out on the edge of Will Power 's pit box and sent it flying despite a mechanic having a foot on it to keep it in place . With Takuma Sato getting a penalty earlier on for hitting pit lane equipment many pundits had expected Franchitti to get the same , which would have put paid to what proved to be his eventual win . " The double - file starts were nuts , " Hunter - Reay said . " It was like a free - for all . You had that tight first turn that 's really as slick as glass on a restart , so everybody is sliding through trying not to hit . Then you get through turn two and your rear end steps out . Then you have a long , six - gear straight where everybody gets a draft on each other , then you 've got to shut it down to first gear [ in three . ] " So is this season simply getting very bad tempered and too aggressive ? Are the double file restarts to blame ? Is the quality of driving in the series just not up to par this season ? Or is it just a case that all publicity is good publicity and races like Toronto help IndyCar muscle into the headlines usually dominated by NASCAR ( in the US ) and F1 ( everywhere else ) ? It would be nice to finish with an optimistic note that at least the next IndyCar outing will be a calmer , saner affair . Unfortunately it 's the second leg of the series ' Canadian mini - series at Edmonton City Center Airport , and the one thing that it 's not particularly known for is calm , peaceful , uneventful racing . In fact , compared to Edmonton , it 's Toronto that can often be relatively quiet … That was sparked when Tony Kanaan took a wide line into turn 3 , which Ryan Briscoe took as an invitation to try a move down the inside line . He wasn 't able to hold it close enough to the apex however , and when Kanaan turned into the corner there was contact that spun Kanaan around and sent him into the outside wall rear - first . The suspension damage terminated the # 82 's involvement in the race , but Briscoe escaped with merely a precautionary visit to pit lane for a new nose . Racing resumed on lap 6 , and there was another incident on track two laps later when Takuma Sato - having been overtaken for 20th position by Danica Patrick down the start / finish straight - then misjudged his braking into turn 3 and ploughed straight into the back of the GoDaddy . com # 7 , punted them both off into the run - off area . Fortunately the run - off allowed track marshals to work under waved local yellows rather than a full course caution , and both Danica and Sato were eventually able to get back underway and limp back to the pits for repairs . Danica was out first and directed an ironic thumbs - up at the KV Racing pit box where the team were still working on Sato , while over the radio she made her feelings known to her own team : " Idiot … that was a hard hit ! " The race settled down after this , with Dario getting past Conway at the restart to retake third place . The next significant development was Oriol Servia coming into the pits early for his first stop of the day on lap 14 in a bid to move to an off - sync strategy from the leaders . This was on the very edge of being able to complete the 85 laps with only one further pit stop for fuel , and Servia was clearly hoping for a timely caution to assist his campaign . The same tactic was soon picked up by others , with Marco Andretti in next time around , and Ryan Briscoe - already circulating near the back after his clash with Tagliani and with nothing to lose - followed suit next time around , and then Paul Tracy on lap 19 and Ryan Hunter - Reay on lap 22 . What had started as a minor sideshow distraction was now starting to become potentially a major problem for the leaders , as a full course caution at this point would see them all dive into the pits - and come out behind these early stoppers who were beginning to add up . The worry grew when potential front - runners Justin Wilson and Alex Tagliani came in on laps 23 and 24 respectively : if they were gifted the lead by a timely yellow then it would be very difficult to dislodge them again . Finally on lap 27 it was Dario Franchitti who blinked among the leaders and headed into pit lane . It seemed an especially canny move by the Scot given that Power and Dixon were now coming up on the back of James Jakes to lap the Dale Coyne car and were being held up . And initially it seemed to be the right move , with Hunter - Reay able to follow Justin Wilson through when the Englishman made a lovely move on Oriol Servia for second place , forcing Servia off the racing line so that he then lost pace on the marbles which were seriously building up by this stage . But a few laps later and the wing 's condition had worsened , Hunter - Reay had fallen down to seventh place and finally he conceded defeat and pitted on lap 47 . It looked as though the Andretti team had made a horrible mistake with the gambit . Or - maybe not . The very next lap saw a major multiple - car accident in the increasingly notorious turn 3 . It was sparked by Paul Tracy - possibly still with some damage after his earlier contact with Hinchcliffe - locking up and running into Vitor Meira on the straight leading down into the corner ; Sebastian Bourdais was immediately behind them on the road and had no where to go but into the side of Tracy as he spun , while Charlie Kimball tired to avoid the accident and ran into the barrier on the other side , leaving only a car 's - width gap in the middle of the track for the rest of the cars to make their way through . Fortunately all cars were able to get back underway , although Tracy needed a lengthy visit to the pits for repairs . " I have to apologize to Ryan for ruining his race ; completely a brain fade on my part , " confessed Conway . " Going into the turn , I tried to take my time and get to the inside , but it seemed to choke up a bit . There was nowhere to go . It was kind of a slow incident but it broke the left side suspension . End of a tough day for the team . " From Dario 's point of view , Power seemed to run wide into turn 3 and leave a gap down the inside which was just too tempting to pass up . By the time Franchitti realised that he 'd misjudged the opportunity and tried to back out of it , it was too late and Will turned into the apex and made contact with Dario on the inside : the Penske came off worse and was thrown into a spin . He got the engine going again and rejoined once all the cars had gone past , but it was a bitter blow for Power 's title chances . And given that it had been Dario that had done the deed - seemingly deliberately in Will 's eyes - he was spitting fire . " We were working our way back toward the front and we got past Franchitti . We went into the corner and I gave him room and then he just drove into me . " Except - there was no penalty . There never had been . When the race stewards ( who included Al Unser Jr and IndyCar 's Tony Cotman ) reviewed the collision they determined that it was a racing accident and deemed no penalty applied after all . " I understood he was going to get penalized but then there was no call - I just don 't understand that , " said Power in the confused aftermath of the race . " I 'm not surprised he didn 't get a penalty , he never gets a penalty , " Power said in the heat of the moment . " It was such a dirty move … I 'm really disappointed in Dario , I always race him clean , he always races dirty . The guy that mouths off and whinges about everyone , he 's the one who 's dirty . " Drivers always say that the one thing they want from officials is consistency , and in this case if Franchitti had been penalised for this move then why not Briscoe for the first turn 3 incident that put Kanaan out , or the accident that saw Castroneves hit Tagliani ? Having taken no action on those or any of the other collisions so far , it would have been harsh and deeply inconsistent to suddenly serve one to Franchitti for an even more marginal call . But the incident did certainly leave a bad taste in everyone 's mouths , and tempers were suddenly boiling over up and down pit lane . For his part , Dario was apologetic the minute he stepped out of the car at the end of the race . " Obviously , there was contact with Will . If he 's p * ssed off , he 's quite right to be p * ssed off , " he said in typically robust language , accepting that when it came to assigning blame " I 'll take more than 50 % " but that Power was not exactly blame - free in the accident either , having opened the door initially . " I braked as late as I could , and he went a little bit deeper but as a result of that he went wide , " he explained . " Will started to crowd me , and unfortunately the wall came out , I couldn 't get further to the right because there was a wall there … I tried to get out of it but I couldn 't . " I have to say if I was him I 'd have been steamed too , but hopefully when he watches the replay he 'll see it was a racing incident . " Adding that he " " didn 't want to win that way " , Franchitti said that " I see it as a racing incident " and pointed out that " IF you 're not going to make any moves at all , you 're going to sit in whatever position you started in . But , yeah , crazy day here in Toronto ! " Worse was to come for Power . Racing resumed on lap 61 but less than five laps later it was back under full course caution again - and Power was once more at the centre of things . He was passing Alex Tagliani through turn 5 when he clipped the front of the # 77 , which threw Power 's car up into the air at an angle before sending it into the wall and tyre barrier on the outside . This time Power 's # 12 Verizon car was too badly damaged to continue in . " Pretty typical of him , Tagliani 's just a w * nker , he 's always been a w * nker , " said a disgruntled Power once he 'd stopped venting at Dario . " We were just trying to get the best result possible before Tag hit me from behind . It 's very tough to have two DNFs in a row . All I can say is we 'll keep working hard and hopefully come back strong at Edmonton . " " The contact with Will was also a shame , " said Tagliani in response . " I tried to pass him a couple of times in turn three . He was blocking a bit , and then I made a move on the inside [ and ] it got tight . " " Yeah , it doesn 't make sense , " said Michael Andretti of the aborted restarts that prolonged the cautions . " They 're obviously doing it on purpose so that [ Rahal ] gets it on fuel . One time is okay , twice you [ should be ] in the back … It 's unfair . " Chip Ganassi denied any such dark arts and said that he 'd had to walk over to Rahal 's pit crew and explain to them that the # 38 's line was forcing Franchitti onto the dangerous bumps and marbles off the racing line and that they needed to make more allowance to play fair . " I don 't think Graham was doing anything crazy , " insisted Dario . " There as nothing bad going on there , but he couldn 't run the outside of [ turn ] 10 in the marbles , so he was taking my lane , and I couldn 't get on the outside of 11 , so I couldn 't get alongside him . I tried it once and almost smacked the fence down . We were doing our best , the restarts were tough just because of the marbles on them . " Next time around was more successful and the race duly went green at last . And then it went yellow seconds later : Danica Patrick tapped the back of James Jakes into turn 3 and spun him ; she reacted quickly and manoeuvred around him but in doing so managed to clip the back wheel of Alex Tagliani who was passing the scene of the accident on the outside line . The wheel - on - wheel contact shot Tagliani 's right hand side up into the air , and the car even went over the 90 degree vertical and would have overturned if had not then made contact with the wall and safety fence which propped it up and bounced it back right - side - up onto the track again . Tagliani was out but Jakes was sent on his way and Danica made it back to pit lane as well where she needed a spare front wing from Marco Andretti 's stock of spare parts in order to rejoin the race . " I felt a big knock on the right rear , and we were up in the air . It 's disappointing , " he said . " First , I got knocked out with Helio and then at the end by Danica . " " It piles up so bad at the hairpin there , and everybody is just running the inside , " said Patrick of the initial contact with Jakes that set off the accident . " Unfortunately , the line is so much further to the inside with the bumps nowadays that it 's causing pileups . " There was one more accident still waiting to happen at the next restart on lap 76 : Marco Andretti tried cutting down the inside of turn 1 only to run into the back of Oriol Servia , sending the # 2 spinning into Justin Wilson who was minding his own business on the outside . Hildebrand , Hinchcliffe and Kimball also arrived at the scene in the immediate aftermath , and the mess blocked the track so completely that the field had to take to the run - off service road to bypass turn 1 when they came through behind the safety car . Even so , is there just a hint that the fractious atmosphere of Toronto was seeping into the Ganassi camp ? " It 's frustrating because these street races are part luck , you know . Will and I were one and two , then [ the caution came out ] and the # 10 car gets it everytime . I 'll call back on the radio and say , ' Let me guess who 's leading : the 10 car ' , " he said with a slight edge to his light - hearted tone . " Good on him , they make good strategy . " It had been his plan to make the early pit stop rather than Dario , and he seemed confused if not outright irritated at what had changed once the race got underway . " For us we knew what the window was , we discussed it in the morning , we were going to pit early . But obviously they split the strategy with Dario and he pitted early , and left me out to put some pressure on Will , which that didn 't work . " Franchitti was in maximum diplomacy mode , and after making peace overtures to Power over their on - track clash he then sent out olive branches to his team mate as well . " You see how good Scott 's been all weekend , Scott 's was dynamite all weekend , " he said , talking up the ongoing battle for the IndyCar championship between the three of them . " Will was very strong , we know that , I don 't take anything for granted . That lead could go down in one week , so we 'll just keep pushing . " Despite Dario 's caution about the title battle , it 's been a very good few weeks for him in the championship . Today 's mayhem meant a second successive " did not finish " for Power after he crashed at Iowa two weeks ago , and the two races leave him 55pts adrift of Franchitti . Meanwhile , the rows and controversies sparked off by this race will doubtless reverberate down the next few weeks - including the inevitable question about how much the controversial double - file restarts contributed to the mayhem we saw . 26 . # 82 Tony Kanaan after 2 laps Contact Share this : Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to email ( Opens in new window ) Click to print ( Opens in new window ) MoreClick to share on Reddit ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . INDYCAR : ' Hard work ' gives Franchitti Milwaukee win The first incident occurred even before the green flag had finished flying for the start of the race , when Ryan Hunter - Reay appeared to have to lift going into turn 2 behind the two KV Racing Technology cars of Takuma Sato and EJ Viso . That lift made the car go light and he lost the rear end , sending him into the wall - with Ryan Briscoe doing superbly to avoid being collected as well . It was an sad early end to Hunter - Reay 's afternoon in his first outing in the GoDaddy . com livery shared with Andretti Autosport team mate Danica Patrick and normally on the # 27 of Mike Conway . " It 's extremely unfortunate , " said Hunter - Reay . " The car just broke loose on the way in and I just couldn 't save it . I feel bad for the guys , we had a good car here this weekend . " There were early retirements for two cars , the first of which was Simona de Silvestro . She had crashed during Saturday qualifying and been concerned about back pain as well as needing stitches to a cut on her leg against the steering wheel in the impact , but she impressed everyone by being ready to race on Sunday afternoon . Sadly the same wasn 't true for the rebuilt # 78 which had chronic handling problems , and the HVM team made a quick call to park the car for the day after all . AJ Foyt made a typically non - nonsense call to park the # 14 after 69 laps , declaring the car not in a fit state to compete and that he didn 't want it out there just to have an expensive crash . The Sam Schmidt Motorsports team could have made the same call about Alex Tagliani 's # 77 which after a few full - speed laps at the start of the race abruptly lost all pretence of pace and was passed repeatedly by everyone . Tag continued to stay out - and managed to keep out of trouble as well - but finished a horrific 29 laps off the lead in 19th position . " I was trying to keep my lap because Dario Franchitti was behind me and as soon as I went a little bit higher I got in the dirty part of the track and brushed the wall , " explained Beatriz . " It hurt the suspension a little bit and we lost two laps because of that . It was really frustrating that we couldn 't put it all together . I felt that some people were really blocking hard today which really screwed us up . " Despite pitting under yellows , the ensuing round of stops proved very messy and costly for a number of drivers . Dixon and Sato came down pit lane side - by - side with Sato on the inside despite having his pit box further along than Dixon , who was unaware of this . Dixon turned in to his own pit box - and Sato ran into him , pushing the Ganassi into Ryan Briscoe 's pit box and also damaging the nose of Dixon 's # 9 . Sato then proceeded to his own pit box but - presumably rather shaken by events - misjudged his own entry and knocked over his left rear tyre changer in the process . It all meant that Dixon dropped to 13th place after the pit stops , Briscoe to 16th and Sato off the lead lap altogether after receiving a drive - thru penalty for hitting a member of his pit crew . " During the pit stop it was very crowded and I got tangled up getting into the pit box , " said Sato later . " So I got a drive through penalty which put me at the back of the field and down a lap , but over the next two caution yellows we managed to get our lap back . " " It was one of those days , " rued Dixon . " We never had the balance of the # 9 Target car right all day . It was worse off of 3 and 4 then we had the incident with the # 5 car in the pits . " " This is very sad , " said Conquest 's Saavedra . " We had a really great race car . We are looking at everything that the weekend brought and unfortunately we ended up involved in something that I couldn 't get out of . I saw Alex get lose in turn 1 and I had nowhere to go or nothing to do to avoid it . It is very disappointing as we were strong this weekend . " Once again , Franchitti 's early blistering pace subsided , this time further hampered by having to drive through lapped traffic , and Tony Kanaan quickly caught up with the # 10 before passing him on lap 116 for the lead . Observers wondered whether this was some sort of strategic move by Dario - a fuel call , perhaps , or getting held up by someone ? - but instead it seemed to be pure pace . Kanaan was simply faster than Franchitti at this stage of the race . The next caution was out on lap 123 , caused when JR Hildebrand got up too high while being passed on the inside by the leader , strayed onto the marbles and crashed into the wall at turn 4 - uncomfortably reminiscent of the traumatic end to the Indianapolis 500 for the young Californian . " I was struggling with the car a little bit , for sure . At that point , I 'm kind of trying to stay out of my own way out there , " Hildebrand admitted . " We 're just trying to survive through the race . With the leaders going by , a lot of the guys can stay on the bottom and some of the guys just sort of can 't . It 's not their fault . I just got through with TK and I got shoved up in the marbles . Once I got up there , I couldn 't get it back . " " I was passing the lap car and I got high and went into the marbles and it sent me into the wall , " said Viso . " I feel bad for the mechanics and my crew because they put this car together for me … I really think I had a good car , maybe not as fast as the leaders but we had a car to finish in the top five . " Dario had to pull back and it gave Kanaan the opportunity to ease past him and demote the # 10 to third place . Suddenly , the win that had been a mere formality for Dario was looking out of reach after all . But instead , just when it looked like we were set for a close three - way battle for the race win , we were about to lose two of the players from contention . And the n the crash came - but it wasn 't Castroneves . It was , astonishingly , Tony Kanaan who went into the wall at turn 4 . " It 's a shame . It 's my fault . But , hey , it was a fun race , " said Kanaan . " We raced each other hard the whole race . Unfortunately , I 'm human . I make mistakes sometimes as well . I 'd rather make a mistake trying hard then actually not trying at all . " Perhaps the most intelligent race of the entire afternoon had been that of Will Power , who had been starting from 17th position after a " big moment " in his Saturday qualifying run . Power had laid low for the first half of the race and made little progress , but gradually worked his way up in the latter stages of the race to suddenly pop up into seventh place after the final round of pit stops . He was able to make up three more positions over the remaining 60 laps . A fifth place finish for Patrick was good news , being her best result in the 2011 season to date - although naturally , she still wasn 't thrilled . " Unfortunately , there were so many yellows that came out about halfway through a stint in the last half of the race or so . More green flag running would have been good for me , but we still got a top five . " Graham Rahal had managed to hold on to second place and was thrilled . " A great job for the Service Central team today , to come from 12th and move up like that , " he said . " We passed a lot of cars . I thought passing was going to be tough today and it was , but we were able to do it … We 're knocking on the door [ of a win , ] it 's our second second - place finish of the year and third podium . We 're getting closer . It 's going to come one of these days ! " And Oriol Servia claimed third place despite that mid - race problem in pit lane that had cost him nine positions at a crucial moment . " It 's awesome . We 've been close to the podium so many times and things just don 't come easy , " he said . " I was in a podium position and then we had a bad stop and went back to 12th and had to go through the field again . The car was just amazing . The restarts were a lot of fun and I 'm just so happy to give a podium to the team . " Will Power 's fourth place was a useful piece of damage limitation that meant that despite Franchitti 's race win , Power was still able to tie the lead of the IndyCar championship on points going into next weekend 's race at Iowa . " I guess we 're equal on points so you just have to keep fighting away , " said Power . " Keep having good days like this and make no mistakes and we 'll be good . I was just fighting like a dog to get those positions . " Dario , however , was just basking in a hard - won race win and leaving the championship for another day . " Great day . To win here at Milwaukee is always special . It 's such hard work and a such a hard race . It 's a delight for the Target Team and we got the Downy colours in Victory Lane ! 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I live in a neighborhood where I fit in really well . Considering me and my eccentric habits , this is nothing less than a miracle , and it has never happened before . In the mornings , whether I go to work or can sleep in a little , my first priority is to take the doggies out . They 've been waiting all night . They can 't choose to go to the restroom at three in the morning if they need to - they just have to wait . Thus , they 're first on my list . I 'm proud of my dogs . They 're all rescues , and they 've come a long way since they arrived . Boo didn 't know what a toy was . The first time he got a chewie he just looked at it , and it took months before he dared try to hold it in his mouth . Then , when he realized that it was his and he was allowed to play and chew on it , joy ! Ellie didn 't know anything when she first came . She tried to jump up on the counters and on the stove , and acted as if she had never been in a house before . She had spent a long , long time in shelters and boarding , and if she had been in a home , I don 't think she remembered . Bonnie had good manners when she came , my friend Jill who runs Ewenity Farms worked a lot with teaching her . Topper is generally a good boy , but he 's had his moments , like when he chewed up the remote controls and ate my headphones . . . ( He has grown out of that now . ) So , back to my story . Today , I moseyed around with Bonnie and Topper . One of the neighbors was going out with his boat , and he stopped on the road to say hi over the fence . He has someone coming over to take down a tree , and wanted to tell me that if I need anything trimmed I could probably get a good price . Bonnie and Topper were out , doing their best imitation of guard dogs . I don 't think they were barking at the neighbor , I talk to him all the time and they recognize him , but that boat was a big foreign object that had to be scared away . ( They also think the UPS and mail trucks are fire - breathing dragons . ) We 're in Florida . Even in winter it 's not exactly cold . I was out barefoot in my nightie with an old blue robe over it , unbrushed hair , unbrushed teeth . . . ( Early morning in my world might not coincide with early in other people 's lives . ) The neighbor had shorts and a short - sleeve shirt . He wore a black turtleneck , black pants without a trace of dog hair , and black shoes . A jacket would have made it a perfect black alien uniform . His hair was perfect . I 've never seen anyone look that perfect in real life . Next to him sat a large brown dog that completely ignored the commotion in my yard . I think the dog would have made back - flips if the man had waved a finger . I said goodbye to the neighbor , called Bonnie and Topper , and hurried inside . Luckily , both dogs obeyed and came with me on the first try . I really wanted them to appear better trained than they are , and they complied and ran in through the door as if they 're always do exactly what I tell them to . My good babies ! I wanted to go to the window and spy on the stranger and his dog , but that would have been a too blatant show of curiosity . Now , this guy is going into a book . I 'm not sure yet if he 'll be a good guy or a bad guy , but he has my imagination churning ! I like the word " Biometrics . " It sounds really cool , and I associate it with androids and artificial body parts . However , when I say , " I went to have my biometrics taken " it 's nothing that interesting . More along the lines of fingerprints and a photo . My green card requires renewal , and I guess they want to check that I 'm still me . The USCIS provides an appointment . It comes in form of a physical letter with time , date , and location . If someone needs to reschedule , this happens through a written letter and a new written notice . This means that they decide how many people will appear at a certain immigrations center at a certain time . What the hell ? " This is a Kindle . It 's not a phone , it doesn 't make calls , and it doesn 't take photos . It 's an electronic book . " After a long , long , long wait I start talking to the girl next to me . Once it 's my turn , the procedure takes a grand two minutes and I can leave . Hopefully , their computers will determine that I 'm still me . Definitely a worthy way to waste a day 's vacation . . . I have been a bit quiet online lately , and I have a bad conscience for not keeping up with the blog . The holidays gave a reprieve from the daytime job , and I am writing , writing , and writing . Yay ! It 's so great to finally get some time in peace to put words down , but the days are disappearing with an alarming rate . That said , I did pay a visit to real life yesterday . I am blessed with friends who love me even though I disappear off into my own world , and who take the time to shake me out of it . Yesterday we went to see the new Hobbit movie . The desolation of Smaug . . . I have a weak spot for dragons , and now I totally want my own Smaug ! I know I 'm not supposed to root for the dragon , and I know what happens to him , but I 'm still cheering him on , because he 's so cool . Spolier alerts : The movie shows more of what happens to Gandalf during his time away from the group than the book reveals . I personally like it ; it fills out the back story in a way I 've missed before . I love his attitude . He walks into a super - creepy place knowing well it 's a trap , and faces evil straight on , for the common good . Legolas was in the movie too . He has been one of my favorite characters in the books since I learned to read as a little girl , and I am delighted to see him play a part in the Hobbit even though he isn 't really in Bilbo the book . He is a hero , of course . Anything besides a hero would be unacceptable . The king of the wood elves was in the film . I never liked him in the book , but now I 'm definitely a Thranduil fan . He 's just as aloof as I imagined , but much more likable than he comes across in Bilbo . There was a new character too , to put a twist on things . Tauriel is a female warrior elf played by Evangeline Lilly , more known as Kate from Lost . There 's some interesting chemistry going on between the characters , and not just in the ways that seem self - evident . I like that they embellish the story . Once the third movie is done I 'll have to have a marathon and watch all six movies in a row . That will take a while . LOL ! Thorin and Kili can really make mythological dwarves seem like an attractive species , even though some of their buddies in the movie look like Obelix . The dwarves ' story has been embellished as well from the book . In Bilbo many of them come across as comic side kicks who mostly complain . Now they have personalities . I guess the changes might disturb die - hard textbook Tolkien fans , but I like it . I think it 's necessary to give the movies substance . Funny enough , I never really liked Bilbo in the books . I didn 't like him in the book Bilbo , and I didn 't like him in the trilogy . I 've loved most of the other characters , but Bilbo always came across as a bit . . . petty . Martin Freeman does a fantastic job bringing Bilbo to life , and now I adore him . He 's clever , unselfish , and brave . Today is an important day for Swedish people . On December 13th , we celebrate Lucia . Adults and children alike look forward to it , and it happens in work places , schools , homes , and hotels all over the country . It goes something like this : Thinking about the poor undercover cop I left dangling from the ceiling in a chain last time I closed Word . And the spaceship hidden in a rock bed deep under a lake , not to mention the people struggling to escape from Venus before the planet became really hot . And the catalogs I 'm supposed to do at the daytime job , and the website updates . Oooh , websites , I should update my websites . Websites are on the Internet . Blogs are on the Internet . I should have written a blog post for the work blog , that will be about puppies , I need to give the dogs a bath . Should buy dog food too . Did I ever reply to those e - mails ? Oh snap , I forgot to check my Twitter account this morning . Is there anything on TV tonight ? I was supposed to print out a form , wonder where I put it . What are we having for dinner ? That 's a really pretty blue - I wonder if I could get that on an iPhone case . I like coffee . Every year in December I feel displaced . Nothing about Florida says Christmas , and if you come from a cold and dark country , Christmas lights in palm trees is just plain weird . This will be my sixth holiday season in the US and it 's less peculiar now than the first year , but it 's still weird . Before I go any further . . . When I say Christmas , I don 't mean it with a religious connotation . For me , the word describes the holiday season regardless of religion . In Sweden we celebrate " Jul " and this is a religiously neutral word . Anyway , my holiday rhythm is out of sync with the Americans . Christmas here seems to start in September . Not just in the stores ; I saw Facebook posts about friends putting up their Christmas trees in late summer . Time passes so quickly anyway , why try to hurry it up ? In my family , you could put up some decorations and lights in the windows for Advent , but everything else had to wait until December 23rd . In the evening of December 23rd , Christmas should be ready . ( We celebrate the 24th . The 25th and 26th are days off from work when people relax and play with their presents . ) What 's advent ? It is the four Sundays preceding Christmas . On the first of Advent ( late November or early December ) most cities have Christmas markets . This is when the holiday season really rolls out . Below are three images of traditional advent decorations . = ) The reverse problem comes when it 's time to take stuff down . In my world , Christmas stuff stays up until January 13th , when you have a party taking everything down . Here , everything comes down right after New Years , and my husband hangs his head in shame as we 're the only house on the block with all the stuff still up . I say , " You can take it down if you want , but I 'm not doing it until Tjugondag Knut . " The Swedish expression alone is enough for him to walk away and shake his head . Poor guy . LOL . When I first met my husband and he told me that he like Doctor Who I winced and imagined endless hours of watching what 's - his - name with that long knit scarf . They showed endless reruns of that incarnation of the Doctor on TV when I was a teenager , and it was too weird for me . I might like scarf - doctor better now when I 'm grown up , but I haven 't given him a chance , lol . I haven 't watched much TV from the UK , but I liked that other British sci - fi show , what was it called . . . Oh yes , Red Dwarf . I don 't remember diddly of the story , but I remember watching it . Anyway , hubby introduced me to Christopher Eccleston as The Doctor and I liked the show . Miracle ! All of a sudden it made sense why my Internet - sister claimed Daleks were cool . Then , Eccleston merged into David Tennant , and I loved the show . You know that Internet meme of how you 're extra likely to find a spider in your home if you 're afraid of spiders ? I think I 'm scared of David Tennant . Nope , didn 't help . There 's still no blue police box here . Now I love Matt Smith as the Doctor . Sadly , there will be a new actor soon . I might like Peter Capaldi too once I get used to it , but I don 't like change . There 's so much going on in life anyway and I don 't want the faces of my imaginary friends on TV to change ! I know , he was a bad guy , but I loved the character . I 'm still sulking over his demise . I loved to see what he would come up with , and in this season I rooted much more for him than for the people in the prison . Whenever I 'm out and about people ask about my displays . I have been fortunate , finding the right things on the first try . I have been to outdoors book fairs where the wind was strong enough to knock down the tents , but my displays kept standing . Not even the postcards blew away . I have plywood bookstands from cleardisplays . com . They 're cheap , and they come apart and pack flat . Easy to transport , easy to handle , and stable . ( Unless you put them backwards . I 've done that once , LOL . ) My postcard stand is bought at the same place . This also comes apart to a neat flat package . I 've bought a little suitcase on wheels where I pack the stands and all my swag . Since I 'm lazy it has to be easy to handle ! Vistaprint often have sales . Right now a small banner - which is pretty large - is only $ 8 . I pay extra for the outdoor vinyl ; it 's only some $ 3 more and well worth it . My large banner is also from Vistaprint . One more tip for the traveling writer is to get plastic table cloths at the party store . I always bring a couple extra , and if I 'm going to an outdoors event I bring a roll of clear plastic just in case it rains , or the ground where I need to put my bags is wet . You can get a big roll at Home Depot for less than $ 3 ! My postcards are also from vistaprint . They don 't do bookmarks , though , so I get those from smart press . com . They have reasonable prices even for small quantities . Important to note : making 200 cost almost the same as making 10 ! Whenever you buy something printed , check larger quantities than you originally intended . You can often get an extra 100 for an additional $ 2 . Here you can see my plywood displays and the large banner . The " small " banners are quite large . I was worried they wouldn 't stand up to outside use since they 're fairly cheap , but I 've subjected them to both wind and rain . I 'll wear them out eventually , but for $ 8 ( if you can catch a sale ) it 's not a big deal . My pens are bought locally at the Sarasota Printery . I don 't remember what I paid for them , but I caught a special and it was a matter of cents for each pen . Again , look into buying a larger quantity than you think you need . The price per item drops dramatically when you add an extra hundred or so . I 'm not a morning person . I love sleeping and my pillows are my friends . When I got up at 5 AM two days in a row , the doggies clearly thought I had lost my mind . Before this event I had no idea where Matlacha or Pine Island might be , but Siri guided me to the right area . She said , " Make U - turn here and arrive at destination . " Turned out the address I 'd gotten was a tire factory . That couldn 't possibly be right . The book fair was supposed to be on an island . . . I googled and found my way , and pulled in at the fair curious about what I would find . By now I thought I was late , but I was early - the volunteers hadn 't gotten to putting up the tents in my area now . Yay ! Nap - time in the car ! The book fair had less visitors than I hoped , but I am still happy with the weekend . I met some great authors I didn 't know , sold some books , saw a part of the state I hadn 't previously visited , and gave out a lot of postcards . Success ! It was chilly in the mornings , but nice once the sun came out . In the future I think I 'll prefer indoors events in November . Alternately , I need to learn to bring more clothes . LOL ! I made some wonderful new friends . This is Elizabeth Olancin who presented her children 's book One Inch at a Time and Through my Angel 's Eyes . To the right is Sarah Elle Emm who brought YA fantasy novels Prismatic and Opalescent . Click on the links and check them out ! = D This is Trouper . He made my weekend ! The poor guy was hit in the head by a mean man when he was a puppy . Are baby raccoons puppies ? Cubs ? Anyway , someone When Alexandra wakes up in an unknown environment , populated by a cat - like woman with a tail and a hologram of a rockstar , she knows she has to be hallucinating . Maybe she hit her head , or finally suffered that nervous breakdown . It doesn 't get any better from finding out she died and was taken into the future by the elusive Adam , whom she can 't remember , or from people telling her she 's on a spaceship . The last year or so is gone from her memory , and she has no choice but to try to adapt . As days go by , her new environment becomes more and more unnerving . She finds herself helpless , and completely dependent on a man who isn 't even human . When I first came to the US I didn 't understand Thanksgiving at all . ( I had actually never heard of it . ) Now I appreciate the concept - not to mention getting a holiday - but Black Friday still puzzles me . The first time I heard " Black Friday " I thought the nation was in mourning over something historical , but I couldn 't figure out what . Then hubby explained that it 's the day most retailers ' numbers get in the black . That 's sad . They 've run the entire year up until now with a loss ? Wow . Happy Thanksgiving , everyone ! May your holiday be wonderful and special . May your food be delicious , your friends and family peaceful and loving , and every traveller kept safe . Cass Goldman is at the end of her life , and decides to end it for both herself and her dog . Right there I decided not to like her . If you want to move on to whatever 's after this life that 's fine , but leave the dog out of it . As the story moved on , I still couldn 't help but love her . Liza O ' Connor has a knack for creating believable characters , even when they end up in the most fantastic settings . They come across as real people , with real people 's hopes , fears , victories , and failures . This book touches on some serious subjects , but O ' Connor keeps it light and humorous . When she awakens in a hospital , Cass discovers two disturbing facts : One , she is now inside the body of a troubled teenager , and two , the former owner of this body committed suicide , but only Cass knows that . Everyone else believes Casey has survived , but suffered a complete memory loss . Cass has two choices : to take on Casey 's life and turn it around , or to confess the truth about her reincarnation and end up in a mental asylum . Given this second chance to life , Cass decides to take on the future life of Casey - the frightening ghoul - faced teen with short , black , spiky hair . Every person around Cass has an ulterior motive and discovering the truth of Old Casey 's life is more complicated than the " new math " she is forced to learn in school . In addition , Cass has to contend with raging teenage hormones and the prior crimes of Old Casey , which she might not remember , but everyone else certainly does . However , her biggest frustration concerns her feelings for her father 's rugged security specialist who sees her only as a teenager and doesn 't want to explore the mutual attraction between them . Her smile made the ominous wrinkle between the stranger 's eyebrows deeper and the look on his face caused a hoard of Oralinian flutterbugs to set flight in her stomach . Something was wrong , but she couldn 't figure out how to set it right . She had made a mistake , but she apologized . What else could be expected from her ? " Not at all . Didn 't Dominic tell you anything about this place ? Be careful with smiling and be careful with looking at people . Ranierans tend to dismember anyone who stares . " He was too close and his words too bizarre . She would have a hard time believing a person could tear someone else 's arms off for staring at the best of times . With him touching , keeping her mind on gruesome matters was nothing short of impossible . There might be a place Theresa fears more than Borealis , but she can 't think of one . The old and decrepit station houses all sorts of cruelty , and to make it better , this is where her husband Dominic was imprisoned , drugged , and tortured . He returned a mere shadow of his old self , scarred by abuse and Uudon withdrawal . Borealis is the last place Theresa wants to go , and the only one she can 't escape . Dominic 's apparent madness does nothing to alleviate her fears . Her once sweet husband has turned into a womanizing monster , and will destroy anyone who gets in his way . Geo , her faithful and all too handsome bodyguard , appears to be the only one on her side . He once helped rescue Dominic , and pays for the insurrection with a lifetime on the run . This might be a situation not even he can handle , and Theresa fears none of them will make it out alive . Posted by I may have gone through a time warp , because that looks like a freaking castle . I like castles , but let me text Liza , because I do not want to tangle with angry knights … Ah , she We have moved in ! High five ! There 's still about a million unpacked boxes and I don 't know where everything is , but all our stuff is . . . Some days I feel extremely foreign . There are things in the US I just don 't get , and it 's probably a cultural thing . Like . . . I just . . . I am on my way from sunny Florida to Virginia . I 've never been there before . It 's funny ; I 've been to the north and south of the . . .
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I 'm not a psychic but I predict that by the time you finish reading this paragraph you will be extremely envious of my position . I 'm on vacay with the fam in Aruba . That 's right , we left the pouring rain , record breaking levels in fact , to beautiful 81 degree weather , turquoise blue water and white sandy beaches . It is gorgeous over here . We are staying at the Divi Tamrajn All Inclusive Resort - same place as last time . All your food and drinks are included . What that means for me and Mikey is an endless glass of Heineken . Sweet . The only problem is , the bar doesn 't open until 11am . Now , who drinks at 11am you may ask ? Well , on vacation we 've been known to start at eight in the morning . The two hours between breakfast and the bar opening can seem as torturous as a day at the library . We learned our lesson from the last time we were here so we came with a plan . To kill those hours we are forced to stay dry , we will work out at the gym and sweat out off the booze the hard way . I know - eww . What kind of moron works out on vacation , you might ask . But if you 've ever worked hard to lose those tough last pounds you know that undoing it all on a vacation is just unforgivable . I finally got rid of the post - pregnancy pounds and when I tried on my bathing suit yesterday it felt really good . P90X doesn 't call itself Beachbody . com for no reason - it really worked . Besides , it makes the beer taste better . The only thing to hate about Aruba is getting there . I hate to fly . The security points are a hassle and I can 't believe that it 's making air travel any safer . Plus , the airlines just want to charge you an extra hundred dollars for everything . We were seven pounds over on our luggage and for that they would have charged us an extra hundred . So we took some shit out and stuffed it into our carry on . No big deal but it did make me realize that we could never smuggle the baby in our bags to save on airfare . At least it 's a good excuse to not have to buy any souvenirs . Better than any t - shirt or refrigerator magnet is the gift of broadening the mind . Our five - year - old took his first swim unassisted by floating devices in the pool yesterday . Kazuki was so hot when we arrived at the airport that all he could talk about was going in the pool . Since our rooms weren 't ready , he didn 't have his " swimmies " but he was so gung - ho about getting wet that he jumped in the pool without them . Next thing we knew , he was doing his doggie paddle and staying afloat - they grow up so fast . As for the three - year - old , he lived up to his name of Christening a throne in every place he visits . During our lay - over in Atlanta , he warned us that he had to " go poopies " just as the plane started to board . Knowing Isamu , when he says he has to poop - he really has to poop so , I took him to the bathroom and watched this huge brown torpedo slip out of his butt . In a way , I guess I just say this because I 'm envious of his nerve . And considering his older brother is the king of constipation , I should probably count this as a blessing . As we walked out of the bathroom - him five pounds lighter - I told him that now he could tell people he took a dump in Georgia , too . Ah , the plight of the middle class . Seems like we 're always paying the most taxes and in return we get kicked in the ass . Last night , I attended my first PTA meeting . The agenda : save our After School Program . The Commissioner of Out Of School Time has considered our working class neighborhood " low priority " and wants to put us on the chopping block . I kid but this is serious . Losing the After School Program , I mean . It 's disturbing when the system fails the people it 's supposed to serve but as adults we know better than to rely on it . But for it to pull the rug out from underneath the feet of children is just plain wrong - wrong - WRONG . These " commissioners " don 't understand that kids do not absolve our short - comings simply because there 's a legitimate excuse . No , they remember them - forever . Tell a child , " we don 't care about you anymore " and see what happens . They go ballistic , they get high anxiety , they breakdown and it 's all because they are tuning in to the primary fear of abandonment . And that 's what this program cut is - abandonment . Now you see it , now you don 't . Hey - look over there - whoosh ! I 'm gone . Keep your eye on the ball . . . aww , you lost . In order to operate five days a week , offer holiday camps and extended hours , over thirty schools will have to completely shut down their program so that schools that are deemed " priority " according to 2005 census statistics can continue theirs . I don 't know about you , but I think if the parents and teachers and students of the surviving programs were asked to make a sacrifice so that everybody could continue to have them , they would agree unanimously . But why should the opinion of the People have anything to do with executive decisions - after all we were dumb enough to vote these officials in , in the first place . Censoring music is wrong . I agree , there are a lot of famous entertainers who simply lack talent and so they replace creativity with shock value . But the way I see it , censoring insipid performers like Eminem , doesn 't change the fact that he sucks and it certainly won 't derail a child 's curiosity to say a forbidden word . As a parent , I do the best I can to curb my bombs and peppering in front of the kids . Sometimes , though I can 't help it . We live in New York . You can 't walk ten feet without running into something that makes you say , What The Fuck ! ? Barbarian taxi and limousine drivers , sanitation department jerk - offs and their dust scattering street sweepers - and the piles and piles of dog shit . If I kept it inside , I 'd have a brain tumor the size of Schwarzenegger 's head . But it 's cool , yo . My kids know better than to repeat what I just said . On the occasional slip , my three - year - old simply demands , " Say sorry , Mama . You just said a bad word . " Of course , I comply - it 's all he 's required to do should he test the waters and say " shit " when a toy breaks . Then I wondered about the songs he 's been repeating off of our i - Tunes . Sure , it 's okay for the kids to sing " I like to move it - move it , " or " Life is a highway , I wanna ride it all night long . " But when they chant , " My hump , my hump , my lovely lady hump , " that 's when we get a few raised eyebrows . Sooner of later , he 's going to figure out the chorus to " Last Of My Kind " by Alice In Chains - that might get me in trouble at the library . He sang " Blitzkreig Bop " and had no problem figuring out the lyrics on his own . As a matter of fact , he corrects me if I don 't sing it his way . I 'm hoping he 'll flub the curse words like he does with other words but then I think , who am I kidding ? With my luck , he 'll sing all the lines with " shit " and " fuck " loud and clear . He will probably sing it over and over again , like some crazy digital sound loop but even then - I don 't think I 'll censor his singing . No matter how bad traffic gets in L . A . , Atlanta or even Washington , D . C . ( since they drive like they govern ) it just doesn 't compare to traffic jams in New York . And I say this because New Yorkers simply can 't wait for anything . Not a cup of coffee , a delivery and certainly not to arrive at a destination - waiting to New Yorkers is equivalent to Damien attending church . So when we got stuck in traffic on the way to Bear Mountain today , you would have thought I lead us to the apocalypse , they way my family reacted . Luckily , the GPS asked if we were going to listen to her now and when we agreed the rest was smooth sailing . We were soon traveling the open road again , driving at warp speed with my husband spewing every conceivable profanity to the car he caught up with . It was a beautiful , spontaneous family trip . Bear Mountain can always be counted on for a good time . Sadly , the Bear Mountain Inn is still closed - it had a gorgeous lounge with Heineken on tap - those were the days . But now we have the outdoor jungle gym playground by the lake and the carousel to look forward to . Our family excursion today taught me a couple of valuable lessons . One , it 's almost impossible to hear the GPS when you have the windows rolled down in a car blaring music at two screaming kids . Two , it 's best to listen to your instincts when it tells you that taking the George Washington Bridge is a stupid idea and lastly , that the three - year - old is eventually going to sing the line " you f * cking liars " from an Alice In Chains song . The Consumer Product Safety Commission or the " government " if you 're a journalist , is recalling 1 . 2 million high chairs made by Graco . Something about plastic cracking and unexpected tilting caused twenty - four infants to sustain some form of injury . Apart from hairline fractures , most of the injuries were bumps and bruises but in my opinion , I think high chairs are unnecessary altogether . Really , what 's with all the baby gadgetry ? Diaper Genies , wet wipe warmers , eight - hundred - dollar bugaboo strollers - any parent who thinks this kind of crap is going to make their baby happy needs a slap in the face . Although high chairs are useful in large , tiled kitchens , I can tell you that it 's nothing but a big , loathsome mess in a small New York apartment . I got rid of ours after two months . The padding was caked with baby food and crumbs , making it a cockroach 's buffet and after the four - thousandth time I stubbed my toe on it I said , " That 's it ! You are outta here ! " The high chair - not the baby . After that , the baby ate on a booster seat that strapped onto a regular chair . It was portable and it fit in the dishwasher - presto - magico no caked on mess and no unexpected tilting . Of course , he was about seven months by then so , a booster seat was no problem . Placed on the floor with a mat underneath , it was just as effective as when he would sit on Grammy 's lap for dinner . She was , beyond a doubt the safest chair for him to sit on . No uncomfortable straps , soft cushy seating and buoyancy if he wanted to stand all the sudden and again , no unexpected tilting . But since she couldn 't be around for every meal , the Bumbo filled in rather well . Now , I am aware the Bumbo had been recalled by the same " government " because babies were getting hurt but in most cases it was the parents lack of common sense that was to blame . What person in their right mind would place the Bumbo with a baby in it on top of a chair - it has no straps . You couldn 't even invoke Murphy 's Law , it 's just inevitable that down will come baby , Bumbo and all . And I simply don 't understand people who leave an active baby unattended for a long period of time on anything . Whether it 's a playpen , a high chair or a dozing Uncle everything is a potential hazard for a baby . Yes , that means life is on hold for a couple of years but we aren 't living in the seventies anymore - these days , we care for our children . Yeah , Sunnyside was a mess this morning but I didn 't come across any vomit . Those Irish can really hold their beer . The most I ever drank without puking was six pints of Guinness . I once drank eight and made the fatal mistake of taking the Metro - North to Port Chester to visit my sister . Luckily , I had nothing to eat , so when I tossed my cookies it just looked like spilled pints of Guinness . Thick , black liquid rolling down the aisle like a mad river . And probably because of goobers like myself , this year the Metro - North and the Long Island Railroad banned drinking alcohol on their trains just for St . Patrick 's day . That 's discrimination if you ask me . St . Paddy 's day is a day for drinking , you can 't force revelers to go dry ! That 's like banning food from the St . Gennaro 's Feast . Could you imagine how many dead Council members would wind up at the dump ? This is an open letter of thanks to all the public school teachers for staying late and meeting with us bewildered parents last night . I 'm truly inspired by the dedication and passion with which our children are taught . I can only guess how hard it must be to mold twenty little minds whose only desire is to play and eat snacks but so far , you are doing an awesome job . My heart goes out to you for trying to work with the unrealistic standards our education system now deems necessary . In truth , I just want my kid to be happy in school - I don 't care if he can write a novel in Kindergarten . But what can we do if we 're competing with China or Sweden or whats - his - land ? Blame Canada , I guess . Most of the parents with boys were given the same lecture : he needs to focus , less fooling around , finish what he starts . And the teachers know what we want to say , " but they 're boys . " But they know that 's not going to work for First Grade . The next school year , my five - year - old ( he turns six in October ) will be required to copy down his own homework and collect the required workbooks to bring home . I 'm thinking to myself , are you f * cking kidding me ? My kid can hardly remember to come home with all his clothes , how can I expect him to copy down his homework ? I might as well ask him to start shaving . It is a little outrageous and the teachers seem flustered . They want to teach - not drill . And now that I think about it , all those times I used to threaten my boys that I 'd send them to Military school if they didn 't behave may actually be happening . But we 've been blessed with good teachers - knock on wood ( I 'm knocking my head ) . As for the verdict in last night 's Parent - Teacher conference , our son is doing surprisingly well . He would do better of course , if he wasn 't so busy being the class clown or the gossip king . His teacher , Mrs . Mifsud was quick to tell us that she hates sending him home with a sad face on his behavior sheet but sometimes she just has to . And I understand , especially when she tells us that even the janitor checks in on him during class to make sure he 's being good . So , we voted to give him more responsibilities at home . I 'm fine with that , nothing disciplines a child better than hard labor , I say . Maybe have him clean out the fireplace . Oh - we don 't have a fireplace . Okay , then make him dig out a fireplace first , then clean it out everyday . Let 's see them try that in China . How sad is my life right now , that I have to wait for a kids birthday to go to the movies ? The last time I went to the movies was probably the day after Christmas - of 2008 . But yesterday 's birthday party for my son 's kindergarten classmate was well worth the wait . About twenty children and their parents enjoyed a 3D showing of Alice In Wonderland . This was my first 3D experience since movies got all high - tech - digital and I was blown away . Now I know what all the hype is about . It almost seems like a waste not watch a feature available in 3D . It was funny hearing the kids scream at every object that flew at them and the final fight scene was so intense a few kids actually cried . I 'm surprised my son didn 't piss his pants with all the soda he drank . Tim Burton could have gone his usual route of making this movie dark and sad but I 'm glad he didn 't . The scenery still had his trademark creepiness but the vibrant colors and the goofiness in all the characters was a welcome departure to what I 'm used to seeing from Burton 's movies . Even Johnny Depp who has a tendency to make his characters a little too indifferent , made the Mad Hatter actually endearing . Perhaps it was the super big green eyes and the gap in his teeth that kind of reminded me of Frodo . The Tweedles were hilarious and I loved , loved , loved the Cat . And I knew , even before I saw the credits that the voice of the Catapillar was that of Alan Rickman . What a hot voice . But my five - year - old was obsessed with the Queens . Both the White and the Red . The whole train ride home he made me review all the little quirky things they did before his short memory span erased it to make room for new sight words , like Eat Me . I hate scammers , con artists and hustlers . They may be tolerated in France but the French tolerate body odor , too so what does that say about them ? America was built on self - motivation - our ancestors had to come here because no one could stand them in their own country . They came here with nothing and made something out of themselves - now what kind of sick person scams people like that and is okay with it ? Now , what that means exactly - I don 't know . But this " biography " is supposed to appear in the Cambridge Who 's Who registry . Big deal . What the hell is that - dunno . Now I see what they 're doing . They are trying to hook an ego - maniac . A mark whose vanity would never question the interest in his or her life . They appeal to you even further by providing a link - " your personal website " - that includes your name in the url address . Well , they got the wrong person . And you know what I 'm going to do ? I 'm going to send back their postage paid application and leave it blank . Furthermore , I noticed their little coding on the bottom left corner and took it out so they just paid to get this back for nothing . If these guys want my money , they can try to come to my house and steal it like an honest thief . At least they 'd run the risk of finding themselves at the wrong end of a shotgun . It 's still a more noble way to end a career than coming in second on American Idol . Have you ever won an award ? I haven 't . Well , except Employee of the ahhh , Company Christmas Party once . I was happy when I got it but I think it was due to inebriation on everybody 's part . Other than that , I can honestly say I have never come in First Place for anything . Spelling Bees , Star Search , even with my kids I come in after the two grandmothers . I 'm feeling like Rodney Dangerfield here , ya know - the whole respect thing . Anyway , is it any wonder that I didn 't know the Academy Awards happened already ? I found out when my husband was on the computer and told me that Jeff Bridges won Best Actor . I thought the news was current and still in progress until my husband said , " No , you dummy ! The Academy Awards was on this past Sunday . " I still don 't know who won Best Picture . It 's really the only category I care about even though winning it won 't motivate me enough to actually see it , I 'd still give a rather formidable reaction that could fool anyone better than Palmolive Marge . I suppose I could Google it but what 's the fun in that ? No fussing over sticky envelopes , tension before announcing the winner just three dots ( . . . ) . I drink a pint of ice water in the morning . It wakes me up better than a cup of Joe , plus it doesn 't make me want to take a gigantic dump for ten minutes . I do have to pee , but that doesn 't take more than a few seconds . Precious seconds that my five - year - old took advantage of this morning by stashing little brother 's Power Ranger figures into his backpack . I said nothing about it . They were ordered to put on their coats and shoes and as they were preoccupied with zippers and velcro straps , I quietly unloaded the toys and stuffed them under the pile of blankets . The unsuspecting Kindergartner happily skipped off to school , probably even patted himself on the back for getting away with murder . At first , I thought of all the women I knew that made history . For me personally , a few came to mind : Evita Peron for having a musical made after her , Imelda Marcos for all those fucking shoes and Madonna for just being so annoying . But I don 't think the teacher would have appreciated my picks . Strapped for time , I asked Grammy if she 'd stop by the library on the way back from the dollar store and see what biography she could find . It was quite a gamble because the Sunnyside Library has a tendency to not have any book you 're looking for . Turned out luck was on our side - - Grammy came back with a children 's book on Susan B . Anthony . B . Anthony , as my boys like to call her , would have never crossed my mind . I know the name only because she was on the hopeless one dollar coin that everybody thought was a quarter , hardly a commemoration for a woman who had done so much . Honestly , I only found out just how much she changed history as a result of reading the biography with my kid . Fighting for a woman 's right to vote , helping the slaves escape north to freedom - - I thought to myself , this chick 's alright . I should have foreseen that my five - year - old would get upset that she had died fourteen years before a woman 's right to vote was enacted . He was rather upset about Charlotte dying in Charlotte 's Web even though Wilbur moved on like Paul McCartney did after Linda Whats - her - face . But in truth , I didn 't know she didn 't get to see the fruits of her labor . The problem was he was right - - she did get old and that does answer the question . But I pressed on searching for an answer until finally he remembered that small skit she had helping the slaves find their freedom . This was how his report read : I really have to change my habit of being early for an appointment . Every time I give myself an extra thirty - minute window - - because in New York it doesn 't take a Chilean earthquake for the trains to screw up - - I always wind up with forty minutes to kill . Go figure . On my own it wouldn 't be a problem , I would just read a book . But escorting an excited three - year - old to his first dentist appointment , I learned that every minute in the waiting room is more torturous than waiting at the DMV . I hadn 't even taken my coat off and already the three - year - old was climbing through the window of the playhouse . The little girl inside probably wouldn 't have been so terrified if he wasn 't screaming " Somebody check my brain ! " at the top of his lungs . At least he got to see the dentist - something he was looking forward to for the longest time . Referred by a friend , the Kids Dental Village in Woodside was outstanding . The atmosphere , the tiny examination chairs , the silly sunglasses for the big light they shine into the patient 's face and of course the staff are totally kid friendly . I wish I knew about this place for my five - year - old 's first visit . I made the mistake of taking him to a regular dentist who was recommended as being " good with kids , too " but that was far from the truth . She couldn 't be bothered and left when my son , who was three at the time , couldn 't come to grips . She was awful , like the female version of Steve Martin 's character in Little Shop of Horrors . My mom always had this thing about not flushing the toilet after she pees . Ever since I was a kid , I remember lifting the toilet lid and seeing a small mountain of toilet paper just floating away . Although it 's not a crisis like David Sedaris ' poop story in Me Talk Pretty One Day , it 's still a rather annoying discovery . Nobody wants to work twice at flushing . It 's a very perilous act depending on the toilet . You could be sprayed or be the lucky person who gets the clog . And really , how proud can you be of your waste that you need to save it for the next time . I don 't know what she thinks she saving by leaving the flush for the next person . Saving water ? Hydraulic energy ? Maybe she 's looking for praise or leaving it as a reminder that indeed she did relieve herself because she 's always forgetting her keys , so why wouldn 't it slip her mind that she tinkled ? And perhaps she just plum forgot to flush but then why bother close the lid ? Just forget it altogether - Pee and Flee - it 's a little more understandable .
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I cleaned out my closet some more . Decluttering is getting easier instead of harder . The only thing that gave me a bit of a twinge is the robe . My Grandma made it for me 25 years ago and I wore it forever . It has giant holes in it , as well as dozens of little holes throughout the fabric . I have lots and lots of other wonderful stuff to remember her by , and Grandma , herself , would have thrown it out two decades ago . Bye bye robe ! Electronics day for Larry . The printer was replaced a year ago when it started to smoke - scary that ! The scanner has not worked for about five years , and I think the PC ran Windows 95 . We brought the electronic bird home from Shreveport a few years ago ; it can completely fly the coop now . Look at how much weight we have gotten rid of already in only four weeks . I added it up , 111 pounds of stuff . The clothing in my closet is already hanging more freely . Someone asked earlier what we are going to get to replace what we are letting go . The answer is nothing ! Along with the bentwood case , I have been refinishing a small table that we brought home from my father 's house . It had sat on the patio exposed to the elements for quite a while , and then I used it as a support for painting . As you can see , the original varnish was essentially gone , and several scratches had been gouged into the top , Then I dripped paint ( regular interior wall paint ) on it . I would like to get the table nearly as dark as the bentwood case , and use it as a display table . But I don 't think the table is taking the stain quite as strongly as the case . When it is as dark as I can get it , I will put on a nice tough polyurethane to protect it . And then not leave it on the patio any more . Jane got me again . After I had completed all four paper - pieced strips I tried to put them together according to the picture in the book . No matter how I shifted the pieces , it would not work . Uh oh , this block was supposed to be mirrored . Rats ! I wish I could tell just by looking which blocks require mirroring , but I do not seem to have that skill . I guess I will have to consult my favorite Dear Jane resource more regularly . This block stays ; after all , I am not making a replica quilt and Mohawk turned out nicely . I made Mohawk out of long strips of a red batik that Larry pulled out of a scrap basket in Wisconsin last Christmas . Yesterday 's Kaleidoscope was from yardage . Just look at this crazy batik . I love it so much ! I had to really work at it to locate the best brown veins , but it was lots of fun . I want to do a blue block from this fabric as well . Just look at all those yummy blue sections . It would showcase really nicely in a block having a strong central focus like C7 . The C row is right around the corner ; progress is being made . Happy quilting , I was a little sorry to see that one of the most fun DJ blocks , F - 2 , Kaleidoscope , turned out to be one of the brown blocks . I only added a brown trip around the world to add depth to the quilt to keep it from being too wild . I selected the jolliest brown batik I have to keep it from being too , well , . . . brown . It took me almost as long to fussy cut this colorful batik as it did to paper - piece the block , but I love how it turned out . Putting the final two halves together was a different story ; alignment took forever . I had to take a single stitch by hand at the very center , and it still did not line up perfectly . I find centers like this notoriously difficult to work with . I did manage to spin the seams at the back to reduce the bulk , so the block stayed nice and soft . Posted by The most obvious problem is that I am still crocheting too tight . There is barely any room to see the pattern that was clear in the first one . And , of course , it makes it much harder to make a stitch when you can barely pull the yarn back through the loops . I got so many half square triangles completed while working on the " ears " that I had to cut some more black fabric to make more leaders and enders . Larry very kindly ironed those too . I am so lucky , not only is he becoming an accomplished cook , he says he does not mind doing the simple , but time - consuming , ironing tasks that I hate either . I guess I chose well 30 years ago today ! Tomorrow is our 30th anniversary . Thirty years ! Hard to believe it has been that long . My Mom and sister sent us these beautiful flowers yesterday . Aren 't they gorgeous ? And today is Cindi 's birthday too . Happy Birthday , Cindi , you are now three years older than me instead of only two . I always like that . : ) We are still harvesting our Six on Sunday selections from the master closets , though I think Larry has let go of all the clothes he plans to donate for the time being . I still have lots more clothing to cull through . For sure none of these pieces sparked any joy . The Neat scanner is leftover from when our home was burglarized two years ago . Everything we had scanned was in one of the stolen laptops . That is when we decided scanning was definitely not for us . Talk about not sparking joy ; quite the contrary , that dang thing brings up nothing but bad memories . I scheduled our furnace replacement starting yesterday , for some crazy reason . With all the disruption that caused , I didn 't get any tatting done : ( . And the installation will continue today , so I probably won 't get any done today , either . Also , my lovely wife has decided that I started learning to crochet with too hard a pattern . Apparently I don 't even know what I don 't know . So I am switching to a beginner granny square pattern , and getting personal instruction on how to do it right . First lesson : don 't try to make it so tight ! Hopefully , I will soon be able to crank out a granny square quickly , and can think about what to make with them ( an afghan , or maybe a scarf ) . We visited Grandma in Shreveport again this weekend so I did not get too much done on Harlequin - Johnny . When we peeked into her room , we found Grandma snoozing ( very soundly ) in her new chair . Do not let the sleeping frowny face fool you , she actually likes her new chair just fine . They replaced Grandma 's bed with a hospital bed a while ago and put her bed in storage . Recently they told us we had to get it out of there , so we rented a Home Depot truck and moved it to the old house right before the rains started . Perfect timing . Grandma said she wanted her old chair removed too , but we convinced her that she needs to keep it around to have a spare lift chair available in case one breaks again . I promised her I would work my redecorating magic to make the chair fit in her bedroom after it is repaired . What she does not know , is I am planning to have all her dolls sit on it . She loves her dolls , and they are currently all on a corner table ; this will be much better . All in all , it will be the perfect end to chair - pocalypse . We are still harvesting stuff from our master closets . I was surprised that my clothes weighed more than Larry 's " stuff " . I read an article on the Japanese method of closet cleaning . You are supposed to look at everything in your home and ask yourself if it " sparks joy " in you , if not , thank it , and let it go . I think I will try that method after all the obvious clutter has been removed . I really should thank those shorts . They were my favorite shorts ; sparking joy for years , finally giving up the good fight with the material splitting down the front of one leg . Thank you , favorite shorts ! Bye bye . The first coat of stain went on rather unevenly , and it seemed to raise the grain on the top . Not too surprising , since it had seen some damage over the years . Before restoration The big scratch on the end , as expected , remains an issue . I doubt it will improve much . I 'll have to see what can be done to camouflage it . Big Scratch - Before The test harlequin block came together nicely , which is good because I would be lying if I said I was completely unintimidated by inset seams . These insets were easier than expected . A large block with a big , soft center like this creases very easily to allow the inset seam to be sewn . I barely had to pin , except at the harlequin points . None of the inset corners had that nasty " pull " that happens when you oversew the inset seam , for which this novice is deeply thankful . Counting the four corners on the completed block , I have fifty - one corners completed , and nine already pinned . The pinning is still the most time - consuming part , but I think my harlequin points would be all over the place without it . Instead , I am getting a nice square block , which I will have to trim down the full quarter inch I allowed for " shrinkage " . I am almost half done with the " ears " for Harlequin - Johnny . I have fifteen more sewn , which , when added to the 28 previously sewn , makes 43 corner ears complete . I also have six more pinned . I need to do a Big Bang marathon and get them all done . I have come to the conclusion that I really enjoy cyclical stitching , though I would prefer to have some shorter term projects in the mix . I am still cycling though Dear Jane , Grand Illusion , and Harlequin - Johnny , with the half square triangle quilt as my leader and ender project . When I finally have a finish , I am going to add Pierre Lapin into the cycle ; it has been languishing for a long time . If I keep plugging away , I think Grand Illusion will be the first flimsy completed , then Harlequin - Johnny . I only have 40 Dear Jane blocks completed , so as you can see , that one is a long way from completion . I think I have 700 + HSTs completed in my leader and ender project , but it takes over a 1000 , so that completion is also in the distant future . I really need to do some quilting too , since I do not want to just accumulate flimsies . I have been lusting after a long arm for a long time , but that is on the back burner for now . I pinned another nine corners together while watching Flip or Flop on TV . I love that show ! Even when they have disasters , they make remodeling look SO easy . Christine on the show makes design choices seem so simple . Whenever I go shopping for tile or flooring , I am always completely overwhelmed by the choices . You always hear me talking about my family in Green Bay , right ? My sister , Cindi , called me last night . Her grand - niece was the little girl who wrote into Jimmy Fallon this week from Green Bay . This video of Jimmy reading Phoebe 's letter is hilarious ! ( She was right about her baby brother too . lol ) After some struggles , I finally completed the Hearts bookmark from Tatted Bookmarks - Needle and Shuttle ( Handy Hands ) . I think I still need a lot of practice , and a lot of work on my consistency . Some of the hearts came out very nice ( I think the second from the right is the best ) , and some are just odd . The little ring with picot at the bottom / point of the heart was particularly tricky ; it never wanted to work in neatly when starting on the arc that followed it . I want to complete a Harlequin block to verify the best way to do the inset seams . I believe that making a giant bowtie first is the most uncomplicated method , and will keep the inset portion of the seams nice and short . It looks like the giant clown tie at this point . There are 100 of these ears to put together . The ear sections go together very well , as long as I use nine pins on each ear . Two pins for each join , one for either end , and one in each of the three flat sections to keep the papers aligned . Lots of pins ! I pinned through Mad Men and Game of Thrones on the sofa last night and only managed to put nine ears together . Of course , both shows are very engrossing . I could probably pin twice as fast through Big Bang reruns . One advantage to taking forever to make this quilt is that I had time to think up the perfect setting triangle for the on - point block arrangement . I am going to paper piece piano keys as setting triangles . It is a good thing I enjoy the process , because this quilt is nowhere near done ! Like many people , our house is crammed full of stuff that we do not need . In the interest of minimizing the hoard , Larry and I created " Six on Sunday " . Every Sunday for the indefinite future , each of us is going to select six items that can either be donated , easily sold , or thrown out in the upcoming week . I decided to start with six old pairs of shoes . I wear tennis shoes every day to work and I have to get a new pair when my feet start to hurt . I kept one old pair for gardening and my current new pair ; the rest can go . The slippers and the flip flops are completely worn out junk . An uncluttered environment is supposed to help release creativity . If the growth of storage facilities is any indication , " Six on Sunday " should become the next national passtime . Make the commitment ! We are working on a " Six on Sunday " badge that you can grab and put it on your blog . Help us make the world a better place . Join us in eliminating clutter ! Posted by The scratch is so deep , it will be hard to sand all the way out . I am afraid I might accidentally go all the way through the veneer to the base wood below . I am considering placing a label there to cover the mark . That is probably a better idea than further sanding or wood putty . Finally done . Larry helped me tremendously doing all the pressing . He says he likes to iron . ( I warned him how picky I am , but he was very brave . ) We had a massive crisis in Shreveport today . Grandma 's lift chair , which she lives and sleeps in , broke . They had to pull the plug to get her out of it . We ordered a new chair , since she cannot be without one for more than a few hours . Her wonderful friends , Edie and Tom , picked up and delivered the chair . All is good , right ? Wrong . Larry called Grandma , she hates the chair . Apparently it operates too fast for her . To make matters much worse , ten minutes after Larry got off the phone with Grandma , I get a call from the nurse . The new chair broke . Just kill me now . Grandma is fine , she just slid out of it unhurt . La - z - boy in Shreveport agreed to send someone out right away , ( thank you Jesus ) . Robert , the repairman , was able to fix it , ( thank you again , Jesus ) . Apparently something just has to be pushed back into place . I made sure Robert trained the nurse and Grandma on how to make this fix before he left . God willing , chairpocalypse is over . My units are coming out nicely , though they all need to be pressed . They might look a bit wonky , but they are all very close to the right size . All that sliver trimming counted for something ! I have started work on a paper prototype of a stand - up needle case . I still have to determine how tall I want it to be , then figure out how to make the top work out correctly so it comes together nicely . I will have to put my thinking cap on for that part . 9 . It is safe to open ourselves up to greater and creater creativity . 10 . Our creative dreams and yearnings come from a divine source . As we move toward our dreams , we move toward our divinity . from " The Artists Way " © WebRing Inc . Quilting Sites << Prev | Ring Hub | Join | Rate | Next >> Picture Window theme . Theme images by mammuth . 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As I type this , I am watching the twerpies " discuss , " in their adorable non - senseical language , how to properly play with the small t - ball set that we got for them a little over a week ago . And I can 't help but realize that they are getting more and more independent . The baby stage is truly a thing of the past , at this point . I hear lots of moms talk about how sad this makes them . But not me . I am proud . My heart literally sings as I watch them play and enjoy each other and learn new things . Every time they don 't need my help for something , I know we 've done something right , and they are learning and growing the way that they should . And , maybe it 's because I 've had double the demands for nearly two years now , but I so enjoy these short moments of me time , even if it sometimes just long enough to open a Diet Dr . Pepper . During the longer me time moments , I am putting all my effort into fulfilling what has been a life long dream for myself , and starting my own photography business . I have always had a love for photography , since I was little and asked Santa for my first camera . Santa was generous and got a very little girl and very nice , grown up camera . It was a 35mm Olympus point and shoot , and I could have been happier . That camera was good to me , too . That shoot was definitely a learning experience , but I felt pretty good about how it all came out . Those pictures sparked a very positive response from friends and family , and even a few job offers . However , with a big move on the horizon , I put it off . Now that we are getting settled , I am taking a chance and chasing that dream , and have finally started my business . On Sunday , I 'll have my first shoot down here , and it will be my first client that I have no connection too . I am excited and nervous and really proud that someone , I don 't know , saw my work and called me up and hired me . I think I just might be able to do this ! As we start a new chapter in our lives , I think this it is inevitable that this blog will change as well . Of course , this will always be a place to share our stories of chaos , success , laughter and failure , that is life with double the trouble , heading quickly into their terrible twos . But , I will also share my journey as we I adjust to life away from home , for the first time , make new friends , and learn to become a So Cal girl . I am also looking forward to sharing some of my Pinterest projects gone wrong , and , I hope , right , as I work to furnish and decorate this new house on a tight budget , and work our way out of a dinner rut . We miss our friends and family back at home , so much , but we already feel really at home here . We have wonderfully helpful family , and amazing neighbors , surrounding us and it 's just about everything we were looking forward to about moving here ! I 've joined lots of mom / playgroups and am making lots of friends for myself and the twerpies already . Posted by Today was our last visit with our local twin group . When I first found out I was having twins , I joined a local twin mom group that is made up of probably a few hundred families . At just three of four months old , we started meeting up with a smaller portion of the group that had twins all the same age . At first it started with just two other moms , three sets of twins and an older sibling , so eight kids . The twins were all three to four months old . We have met almost weekly with a few exceptions over that time frame and our group has grown considerable to about seven moms on a regular basis and a handful more that join now and then . I have come to appreciate this group so much . In the beginning , I just looked forward to a safe place to get out of the house with the kids , but it grew into an amazing support system . I have met with these moms since the day we found out about Makayla 's nystagmus , and all of her tests and treatments . We have compared mommy notes . Being with these kids and their moms make me feel normal . I can be having the worst week , and be coming down so hard on my self and my kids , but an hour with these moms and I feel so sane again , and normal . There isn 't anything quite like this twin group near where we will be moving . I will miss these moms and our weekly playdates . I hope that when I coem up to visit I can sneak in short playdates with our first friends . I hope I don 't miss out on seeing these fun kids grow . . . . thank goodness for facebook ! Today , for our last visit , we ventured out from our usual home visit , to a local fun spot for toddlers called SuperFranks . Watching them in a new environment , being so independent , I couldn 't help but think back to the first time we met and all the babies slept through the playdate in their carseats . They interact now , " talk " to each other . We had too much fun , and tuckered out quickly , but I am so glad we had that chance to get in this last playdate . Our friends even had goodbye cards for us , that while no one was looking , brought tearsto my eyes ! I didn 't want to write this post . But I want this blog to be honest . I want to share all the beautiful and ugly parts of motherhood and raising twins . . . For a few months now , I have been having a really hard time with the kids . They are on a never ending mission to destroy our home . No , I don 't mean make messes that I don 't have time to clean ( but , yes , that too ) , I mean they are literally ripping the blinds down from the windows , tearing the molding off the walls , and tearing down the baby gates . As much fun as it is not to live in a home that looks like it 's been hit by a tornado , that is really the least of my concerns . I worry about them being hurt when the blinds come crashing down onto them , and the nails from the molding scrape their skin . The pediatrician 's solution is to pretend it 's not happening because if you give them any sort of response , it just encourages the behavior . Well , if we keep that up any longer there will not be a house left in a week 's time . So we have tried distracting them , and redirecting them , and telling them , " no . " Honestly , nothing has worked . If I take them away , they just run right back to what they are doing , as soon as I let them go , laughing the whole way . Finally , on Thursday , after way too much yelling and begging , I pulled them each away from the blinds and gave them a firm smack on the butt , over their diapers . Austin was stunned and cried a little . Makayla just scratched her head and looked at Austin . But they stopped . And they stopped for the rest of the day . Butttttttttt , the next day they were at it again . I am so sick of yelling and chasing them , and although , I am not exactly anti - spanking , it cannot be a way of life . I cried , and let them do whatever they wanted . I begged my husband to bring home dog crates , from work , to lock them in . He refused , or thought I was joking . So , I reached out to an online mom 's group and begged them to tell me anything except " it 's just a phase , it will pass . " Tell me how to survive until it does . There were amazing supermoms with six kids , and twins moms and funny moms , and they gave me some great tips . Along with getting a sitter once a week so I that I can get a break , and getting them out of the house as much as possible , they pointed out that we may have too many toys for the kids . Too many toys ? Who ever heard of such a thing ? Turns out , it makes a lot of sense . They are totally overwhelmed by the choices , and because there are so many things , all the parts are never together , so some things are impossible to play with . I hope that once we settle into our new place we can put some of these wonderful ideas to good use . I am looking forward to downsizing the amount of toys we have and having less things to trip over all day and night ! And I sincerely hope that the spankings were a one time thing . We 're moving ! And I don 't mean across town , or to the neighboring city . We are making the big move from the San Francisco Bay Area , to the Palm Springs area , to be closer to my husband 's family . This isn 't to say that we don 't have amazing people in our lives here who have helped us many times . My dad is just 10 miles away , and we have four very close friends that live in the same city we do now who have been very good to us , but they work , and have lives of their own that they are responsible for . It will be so hard to leave them . I am so sad . These are people who have been in our lives for all or most of the 12 years we have been together . They have been our family . I hope that never changes . A seven hour drive isn 't so bad . . . And if they won 't come see us , they will at least go visit Disneyland , and all I need is an excuse to go to Disneyland ( I hear So Cal residents get discount tickets too ! ) . Flights from LA to the Bay Area are frequent and cheap , so I do plan to be able to visit often . As long as our two families live far apart , there will never be a perfect situation . And as sad as we are to leave our wonderful tight knit group and family , we have lots of things that we are excited about . Did I mention that So Cal residents get discount tickets to Disneyland ? My husband grew up in that area and is looking forward to raising his children with the kinds of memories and experiences that he had as a child . As it looks right now , we will be living across the street from my sister - in - law , and just across town from my husband 's parents . When his parents used to live up here , we had family dinner with them at least once a week . That is something that I have missed every single day since they left ( oh my god , did I really just tear up ? ? ) and I look forward to returning to that tradition . With all the help they have been to us , I think we owe them more then a couple of dinners ! However , I have lived all my 30 years just a few miles East of San Francisco . This is going to be a big change for me and everything I am used to . Do you know this crazy place we are moving to gets up to 115 degrees , at times ? I will need a part time job just to pay for the air conditioning ! I keep asking my husband about where we are moving , as bizarre things pop in my head . Last week I asked if there were parks down there . He laughed at me and reminded me that we are moving to the desert , not the moon . I guess that means the desert has parks . As of this summer , I have had my best friend in my life for 25 years . This is truly a milestone worth recognition ! How many people even manage to stay married for that long ? We have been a part of each others ' lives since we were five . We met the summer before first grade at our day care and we were immediately inseparable . Apparently , too inseparable . More than a few times , we were told by the lady who ran our daycare that couldn 't play together anymore because we were " too clique - ish " . I don 't remember ever excluding anyone from playing with us . We weren 't mean girls , we were just always together . I can 't think of a single memory from early childhood that she isn 't a part of . We held a sidewalk sale once , and sold art work we had made . Lemonade stands are for the boring . We made $ 1 . 25 that day . There were countless sleep overs . All night dance - a - thons . Laser disc movie nights . Roller skate dates . Family vacations . Ghost hunting . Matching outfits for Twins school spirit day . Plans for a road trip across the country after high school and for matching tattoos . And 14 birthday parties . . . . And then I moved . Just before the seventh grade , my family moved about 20 minutes away . Sure that doesn 't sound too far , but when you can 't drive yet , that may as well be out of state . Determined to stay as close as ever , we talked everyday , and we mailed each other the notes we used to pass in class . We spent almost every weekend together , and went to each others ' school dances and proms . Once we started driving and graduated high school , it was a lot easier . We have been there for every single one of life 's big events , and every heartbreak . There is truly no one else in the world who knows all the events of my life the way she does . She may be the only person , besides my husband , who can keep my complicated extended family straight . We stood next to each other at each of our weddings . A year and a half ago , she was there when my life changed forever , as my twerpies made their debut . And yesterday , she welcomed her first baby , such a handsome little boy , into this world . I am so happy for her and her family , and am so looking forward to this new chapter in our lives . I 've been all but absent from blogging for a few weeks . You could say , I 've been a bit preoccupied . Not only have I been working to get As Makayla Sees It up and running and to shape it into the tool and resource I want it to be for other parents , you may have noticed that Happiness Is got a little bit of a makeover too ! In addition to our new look , we are now featuring ads for your blog or small business . To celebrate we are giving away 10 of our small ad spots ! All you need to do is visit the Sponsor tab at the top of our page and select the " Small " ad spot . Once you have uploaded your ad , you can enter the promo code GRANDOPENING for 100 % off your small ad . This is on a first come , first serve basis , so hurry ! And if the code is no longer working , it means you missed out . . . but do not fret , a small ad is only $ 7 or you could snag one of our large feature ads for only $ 20 . That 's up to seven possible entries ! So , what are you waiting for ? A winner will be drawn using Random . org on Friday , June 22nd ! Good luck ! When Makayla was three months old , and her pediatrician diagnosed her with nystagmus , one of the first things they asked me was if it was possible that she was albino . I laughed and just said that she took after me , thinking to myself , " can they not see how light I am ? " My own dad ( who is very dark in his skin , hair , and eyes ) and I joked when I was a kid , that my mom 's family was albino and that 's why they , and I , were so , so , so pale ( I actually REALLY hate the term pale , I prefer fair . Pale sounds sickly , fair is just really light . ) . But it was a joke ! I already knew that nystagmus was common in people with albinism , but obviously the doctors were just jumping to conclusions , because my daughter has all the same coloring as me ( my eyes are green now , but were blue through elementary school and started changing in 7th grade ) , and I could not possibly be albino , since my eyes are green , and I have freckles , and although none of my friends would call it a tan , my skin tone does change some , when I get sun . Although , my hair was white as a baby , whiter than Makayla 's , it 's now a very dark blonde , maybe even a light brown . Obviously , I can 't be albino . But with more and more doctors asking about Makayla being albino , and now with her ocular albinism diagnosis , I 'm learning so much more about albinism . You might think of Powder or Whitey from Me , My Self & Irene when you think of someone with albinism , with the red or blue eyes , and the white hair and the translucent skin . In fact , there are many different types of albinism and some include having some levels of pigment . Now knowing this , I 've asked doctors , if Makayla is albino , is it possible I am too ? But I 'm always shut down , told that since my eyes are fine , I can 't be albino , and that if I were the one with albinism that it would have been passed down to Austin , not Makayla ( There is a dominant gene carried by mothers and passed down to sons , without the father having to carry a recessive gene , because Makayla is effected , and not Austin , we know this is not the case for us ) . The more I read , I 'm realizing that just may not be true . It really is frustrating how much information doctors just blurt out without really knowing for sure . I was catching up on my friend Amy 's blog , Through the Eyes of Liam , and was reading a post she has on Oculocutaneous Albinism . In the post , she lists characteristics of the most common types of albinism , and I couldn 't help but notice that this part , aside from the vision problems , describes me to a T : There are many other types of albinism , so I have to wonder if there is one that would include the first half of this description , but leaves out the part about transillumination , or maybe the transillumination improves with age , because I remember being a lot more sensitive to light as a child than I am now . I remember my eyes aching when I stepped outside some mornings . I am just so curious . . . In a lot of ways it would make so much sense , like how my dad ca be so dark , but I 'm so fair , and how I don 't exactly tan in the sun , I turn a sort of pink color . It 's not the same as a burn , but it 's definitely not a a brown tan color . I 'm not sure what any of this actually means . It doesn 't change my life in anyway , and it doesn 't change the way we go about treating Makayla , but it sure is facinating to think that you can go 30 years and not know something to significant about your self . Regardless if I am albino or not , I probably at least carry the recessive gene , and my husband must also , in order for us to have passed it on to Makayla . We are still waiting for the referral for genetic testing to come through . Our pediatrician has sent a request to Stanford , but they are so backed up with referrals we don 't expect to hear from them until November and then probably wont have an appointment until early next year . That is just to see a geneticist and find out if our insurance will cover testing , which we don 't think it does . Besides wanting to know to quiet my own curiosity , finding out will help us to learn how likely we would be to have more children with albinism , and how likely Makayla and Austin are to have children with albinism . Oh bloggy , blog , blog . Did you miss me ? It 's been too long ! Having this blog has not only helped me to connect with amazing moms of children with nystagmus and ocular albinism , but it helps me feel like I 'm partaking in adult conversation when I 'm locked in the house with toddlers for 12 + hours a day . There is only so much , " ew , stinky poopies ! " a thoughtful and intelligent person can take ! But . . . over the past two weeks , our normal routine was shaken up by a new , almost non - existent nap schedule , and I 'm having a hard time figuring out where blogging fits back in . Today , we spent all of our morning and most of the early afternoon out of the house , so they are pretty happy to be home and chasing after the dog , for now . And so , I write ! What took all morning was a visit to UC Berkeley . Almost a year ago , Makayla 's vision therapist helped us get into a research study at UC Berkley , in which they are studying how children with visual impairments learn about , and understand , the world around them . For our participation in the study , the optometrist overseeing the study provides annual eye exams . Makayla had her first when she was 9 months old , and we learned that she has only a very slight astigmatism , and that at that point glasses would not be beneficial . The optometrist also preformed a VEP during that visit , which Dr . Hertle was able to use , since Makayla did not cooperate in Ohio . The optometrist also predicted that , as her nystagmus improves ( as it often does up until age 6 ) , her vision may improve to be as good as 20 / 50 or 20 / 40 . To give an idea of how good that is , my " bad eye " was 20 / 40 at my last eye appointment , thanks to astigmatism , but I can still drive without any required correction . Today , I got to share with the optometrist all about our trip to Ohio , and that we 'll be going back soon for surgery . I also shared with her that Dr . Hertle diagnosed her with a very mild form or ocular albinism . She was very excited to hear all the news and updates on Makayla but had her doubts about the ocular albinism diagnosis . . . She said that Makayla 's ability to see contrast has greatly improved and that she is in the normal range for kids her age . She said that the VEP test showed that Makayla sees quite well , but noted a new nearsightedness . Part of Dr . Hertle 's after surgery plan is to get Makayla in contacts as early as possible to help with light sensitivity and to slow her nystagmus , but since she now has a nearsightedness the optometrist predicts that by the time she is in the contacts , she will likely need a prescription . We also did a new VEP test today , which Makayla was very cooperative and happy throughout . The VEP test is a strange looking test where they put several leads on Makayla 's head for measuring her brain waves , as she watches a monitor with various moving and flickering lines . The optometrist explained that they are measuring her brain 's response to various details and contrasts in the lines to determine how well she sees . They did the test with both eyes , then just with the left eye ( since the left eye is currently dilated in preparation for her upcoming surgery ) , then they did both eyes at a further distance . They will be sending the results of the exam and the VEP test to Dr . Hertle before her surgery . The optometrist says that Makayla sees very well . She said that her vision is " reduced by 2 " . Normal would be 0 and she explained that most the kids she sees with nystagmus and ocular albinism are reduced by 6 to 10 . That being said , her depth perception will likely always remain very poor and she will always be sensitive to light , and obviously both of these things will effect her vision outdoors and in new places . The surgery that Dr . Hertle will be doing will still help her vision . White wine , peach , basil sangria ! Lately , my sister in law and I have been experiementing with sangria concoctions because drinking sangria just feels so summery . For Memorial Day Weekend , we sent my husband out into the hear to BBQ us some steaks , while we made this delightful beverage . . . and finished it all between the two of us ! My four point lunch , on weigh in day . Salad made with a yummy yogurt ranch dressing , and a fruit for dessert . I lost 3 . 2lbs this week . That 's 9 . 2lbs so far ! Finally feeling better , but worn out from the afternoon in the heat and water , she snuggles up to me . The very best feeling ever . This is what I 'm a mom for !
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Having spent the last while ruminating on my parenting skills , it was made crystal clear to me the other night that I might be lacking a lot in terms of the moral compass , when I heard my youngest counting herself to sleep . Instead of opting for the traditional sheep or indeed any other childhood imaginings , she was counting " fucking hells " , yep , as I was passing their room to cast an ear out on the pre - sleep chatter , thinking that bed time wasn 't too bad , and that my children aren 't as satanic as I 'd previously thought , my ears picked up " one fucking hell , two fucking hell . . . " I looked at my husband and he looked at me and both our faces flashed fear and concern , but then , like any self respecting adult would do , we covered our faces , stifled massive guffaws and ran downstairs . It 's not just the younger on that makes us look and feel like absolute shams , the eldest plays her part too . At a recent party we went to , neither of them would sit down at the table and eat , neither of them would say please or thank you neither of them would stop shouting how they didn 't like this or that until I was whisper shouting through gritted teeth whilst gripping their arms in psycho mode whilst other parents looked on and wondered why on earth I 'd ever been blessed with functioning reproductive organs . It was just the last straw . You 're judging , I know you are , I 'm judging , you can 't help but judge . The panting Spaniels of the existent parent world swear too much in front of their children , so much so that it has found its own little niche in the " lullaby section " of bed time . Well done ! Well , well done ! As fate would have it though , the next day in the post school playground a girlfriend of mine ( also daughter 's friend 's mother ) told us that she was reading a book , but not your average book , a book very much like The Holy Grail for parents of the book world . We stood and nodded and made her repeat the title at least a thousand times , committed it to memory , made our excuses and F1 'd ourselves straight down to the nearest Waterstone 's and simply bought ourselves a copy . You can do that , they don 't keep it under lock and key , they don 't question you and then hand the book over like " you really need this book , go straight to page 20 and that should sort you out , but just so you know , we have Social Services on speed dial , and we 'll know if you don 't read it . . . " With the shiny book under his arm , my husband came home and handed it to me , I devoured the first few pages , then came up to the bit where you have to ACTUALLY do exercises together . I coughed and awkwardly turned to husband read him the info and then tested him . He 'd got it , far quicker than me , he replied with all the right things at the right time . Yet more humiliation for me who was reading it whilst thinking of what they 'd have for tea tomorrow and how I was going to convince the eldest that wet uniform ( that I 'd forgot to wash that day ) is very now and sooner or later everyone would be doing it . Eventually , I locked some stuff in , and so now all we have to do is apply the first exercise , it 's easy . It absolutely works , you can level with your children and they level with you . The problem comes with situation . That 's the thing , you have to keep calm and deliver the lessons ( when you remember them ) in the same way , even if your child has taken to your curtains with scissors whilst bleaching the carpet . You have to be a deliverer of calm , which we all are of course . The good news is , How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish actually makes you feel calmer , by virtue of the fact , that , if your parenting skills are anything like mine , you 'll immediately see how virtually everything you 've ever done with your children is irrelevant and by changing a few things your children might like and respect you again , it 's worth a shot . Anyhoo , the point is , we can evolve and so can our children . we can get through this , it 's not forever , we hope , and if a book can give you that little feeling of hope and have your children perhaps doing at least one thing you ask of them per day , it 's got to be a goer , hasn 't it ? Posted by went off and my husband and I were off . Playground chatter before the bell was ludicrous , my mouth was moving far faster than my poor addled brain could cope with , utterances were non sensical , mothers clutched their children to them whilst steering them to the other side of the world . Husband ran round talking nonsense to the men folk . We are the panting , out of control , super excited Cocker Spaniels of the parent world . volunteers . My husband and I ripped the sheet from the bag , scrambled for the calendar and divvied up the duties right then and there . Any self respecting parent would have ignored the letter at least for the first month , just to keep a sensible grip of their self respect . Not us , third day of term and my husband was knee deep in women , at the school 's fund raising brain storming meeting , as a result he 's researching a school bus and taking up architecture to design a suitable school swimming pool , good luck to him . I 'm baking anything I can find just on the off chance we might have We had our home visit , having the queen round would probably have been easier . Curtains were ironed , floors were ship shape and Bristol fashion . The dog was made to practise please and thank you as we ran around in a flurry of tidiness and cleanliness very , very much as close to godliness as is humanly possible in this realm . When the teacher and the teaching assistant arrived both me and my husband ran to our " natural " positions which meant neither of us opened the door , eldest child did the honours and ushered both teachers and dogs into the kitchen where insane mother was stirring nothing on the Aga and cool , calm , collected father was making coffee and tea simultaneously . Eldest child sat at kitchen table with teacher and did numbers and letters and parents and teaching assistant sat uncomfortably on the over plumped sofa cushions , trying hard not to spill coffee and or tea on anything whilst listening to the dog try and say please and thank you . A more natural scene you could not have conjured from anywhere . As parents , we made hobbits look run of the mill . My husband and I have also signed ourselves up to to the " Fun run " . There is no fun in run as far as I can see , but I 'll be there with my sweat band round my head and leg warmers just above very nearly new trainers , punching the air at the start , without question of a doubt . I 'll probably collapse after about two paces , but it 's not the winning , as we tell our girls , it 's the taking part . Who cares if you lose all the respect of your peers in the process , you can always win them round in the playground with gabbled words of absolutely no consequence to anyone whatsoever ? We had our harvest festival concert , to which I rocked up ( unknowingly ) cool as a cucumber , 10 minutes late . Was then informed that I was in the wrong place , couldn 't find the right place so missed out and husband was left to Spaniel pant on his own . He wins brownie points though because he also signed himself up to cook at the " Back to School BBQ " , where I wandered around spilling wine over people whilst trying to look thought provoking and nice , sociability does not come easy to me , but my husband manned the BBQ , so there 's got to be something in that . All in all , I am glad that my daughter is only four , because she 'll probably not remember the complete incompetent retardedness of her mother . She 'll be glad her parents ( at least half of them anyway ) showed up . She 'll take the life lesson that Spaniel is better than Chihuahua , isn 't it ? I had no idea , until my eldest was about 15 months , that there was an actual name for children going round to each others houses , causing mess and mayhem for a couple of hours and then leaving . This title still fills me with horror as it makes me feel that something grand should be happening . The " play " I can compartmentalise and justify , that is what children do , but the date . . . Makes me feel like children should have spent in excess of 6 hours deciding on what they are going to wear , got their hair and make up just so , then put their selected outfit on and realised that something had to go , either the hair or the make up . That 's just the child . Then I get to thinking that I am up against Excellent Parents ( see Excellent Parents / Existent Parents ) , in a world where competitive parenting holds fast . Existent parenting in this instance simply will not stand . Of course we have real life friends who have real life children , and then it 's just a question of having people over with their children and monitoring the bun fight that ensues , occasionally throwing a niblett of something in when they get bored and want another thing to massacre . This is not a play date , oh no , no , this is having friends over with their children . A play date requires one parent stepping out of their comfort zone to let the other party know that they are keen for their children to interact with the other parties children out of school hours . Essentially you are putting the feeler out for " proper friends " . It sounds mental , but it goes against everything we Brits stand for . Organisation of the first play date is a mine field . You have to gather information from your children as to which child exactly they are talking about , then you have to cast your eye over them to see if you think you are going to be able to keep this child from being eaten or from desecrating your family home . Once you have assessed said unsuspecting child you then have to come up with a way of contacting the parents without plaguing their existence and seeming like you or your children inhabit only a friendless world . Approach the teachers , that 's right , ask them if " Blah blah " might like to have a play date with your child , while they scrutinise you and check you for any outward visible signs of paedophilia , they 'll provide you with some means of contacting " Mr and Mrs Blah Blah " and you 're away . Just this bit is a triumph , you 've got the key to the play date , but now , you have to use it . My favoured medium , as the world 's most socially awkward parent , is the text . the humble text allows you to be frank , short and not have to use the voice . But then you have to think about what to write , how to phrase this master piece so that it unlocks the gate that holds " Blah Blah " . " I 've seen your child at school , she looks really nice and seems to like my daughter , can she come and play ? " doesn 't quite cut it . " hello it 's Mrs Friendless , mother to child with no friends , your child looks like friend material , does she want to come round ? " is a little off putting . The phone is in my hands , the screen is empty , the cogs are turning , quick , simple and good . Don 't give too much away , sound pleasant and normal , minimal words maximum impact " hello , does Blah Blah want to come over ? " That won 't work , they won 't know who I am , or where and when they 're going . This is hell , go with " hello ( mother of Blah Blah ) it 's me , my child 's mother . we wondered if Blah blah would like to come for tea and a play on X at Xpm ? " It 's gone , there 's nothing you can do . Waiting is hell , you want so much for your children to have this sodding play date that you cover every scenario before collecting the unsuspecting kinders from nursery / school and then you 've forgotten . The phone goes pling and it all comes back , they 're going to be busy , and the fact that you clearly aren 't , as you 've suggested the date , means you really are the friendless wonder you think and they think you are . " yes that 'd be lovely , shall I drop her round at 4 ? " " yes , 4 would be lovely ! " You don 't mean it , you 're in a tail spin already , what will we wear ? What will we do ? What will they eat ? How will the house ever be tidy in two weeks ? I then spend the next couple of days thinking of excuses about how to back out . Surprisingly , we 're still waiting for my youngest to have a play date . She 's just gone back to nursery and she can 't make up her mind who she wants round , they don 't know at 3 , or do they ? Posted by Shoes . This seems to send most into a spin , probably one of the main reasons for the economic collapse as you have to remortgage to get the whole kit and kaboodle . We went three or four shoe shops which in itself was enough to push you over the edge . Most of them , apart from the last shop , were rammed with parents and children all searching for the right shoe that will last , look nice , be loved enough by the child so that they 'll want to wear them every day , and not cost in excess of a million pounds . Sadly , we had to run the gauntlet on this one with two children in tow . The youngest had taken on a new persona of bad jelly , a child that couldn 't stand up straight , let alone walk , so we had to keep fighting her to get her scooter from A to A and a half . She became an eel whenever picked up , that move , perfected by children at their very worst , that leaves you clutching nothing but a fibre of clothing and thin air whilst your child writhes around on the floor letting the world know that your incompetence as a parent knows no bounds . Luckily , once we reached the golden sanctuary of the first shoe shop , both children were charged with an unbridled energy that left the rest of the shop agog at the relentless bad behaviour . Eventually after about 40 days and 40 nights a frayed looking elfin creature in lovely nude heels came over to us and quietly asked if we 'd like some new children and a rest ? I duly obliged , thrust my eldest towards her and she returned with one pair of shoes that would fit my long limbed elfin child . None of the shoes that she 'd selected from the shelves to hurl at her sister were included in the offering and the shoe fitted badly anyway . Hooray , we were off to the next shop . The story was similar , other children and mothers moved in waves around the holy grail of school shoes and pandemonium ensued . By the fourth shop I had no life left , we climbed the stairs on our knees , using elbows as grapling hooks and at the top found the floor empty , not anything in sight , not even an unsuspecting frazzledUniform was slightly simpler , there are only a couple of items that we had to purloin from a specific place , everything else we found from various other high street outlets . Weirdly , it wasn 't free , but after shoe - gate I realised that throwing money at a situation usually works well , theft is a little trickier . Once we had our treasured swag , we commandoed to the car , then home , where the treasure was laid out for all to see for a few days . People would come round and be marched straight up to the uniform and made to critically appreciate it , on paper , before they 'd even drawn breath . " Look at that " we 'd say , arms folded , like pirates who 'd captured all the booty from the Armada , " that 's our daughter 's uniform , she 's going to BIG SCHOOL next week ! " The poor people of the world , shrinking away from the agressive , gloating psychos , would nod , put their pens and papers down and agree that this was probably the best thing for our eldest as we really shouldn 't be in charge of anything , perhaps even not ourselves ! It mattered not , we 'd got uniform and shoe , a week and a half before the start of term . Once the uniform was complete , life was normal again , that was except for the name tag sirens that lived within the uniform . They called at me for a week before I sat down with a rancid , shaky hangover to saddle the name tapes to the items with needle and thread . Then I found a marker pen and life was very different . That was it , it was complete , we just needed to get through the weekend and we 'd be there . The eldest started school yesterday for the first time . Uniformed pressed and fresh , shoes are shiny and new and her new school emblem is printed in bright white on the breast of her jumper . The effect is enough to melt even the coldest cockles . I was break dancing like a bad ass when I thought about it . I was also very , very , very concerned that I was depositing her into a system that I don 't think I am 100 % happy about . This is it now for 14 years . . . I don 't think I did anything continuously for 14 years , the very idea makes me want to fall down and beat the floor with clenched fists . How the hell did we arrive here ? Regardless , we have done it ! My eldest small has made her way into the world of rules , regulations , education , teachers and people who spend the entire day telling you what you should and shouldn 't do . Things shall never be impromptu , but fall into the lap of weekends , half terms and school holidays . I am so proud of her for getting here but perhaps , just maybe we could do with a couple more years without this , could we ? Great Odin 's Raven , what in the name of all things holy possessed someone to leave me in charge of two small children ? Two small children who are getting older by the year and getting more and more unmanageable . Ladies and gentleman , it 's that time of year , when children have to be ushered from the cushioning , rounded hay days of nursery into the manic system of actual schooling . They seem to have to go , despite formative schooling not actually starting until 7 / 8 . There are ways of getting round this , home schooling is one , sticking two fingers up to the system and just letting them be is another . Unfortunately , I am not clever or organised enough for the former and I 'm too conformitive on so many levels for the latter . The fact is , my eldest 's time has come and I literally don 't know what to do . I feel like I have been caught in the outhouse reenacting some biblical scene a la " The Go Between " . Some of you may think " you 've had four years to warm up to this you moron " and you may be right , the fact is , four years really isn 't that long when you think about the gravity of the decision you are about to make . These are the foundations for learning . To my mind , everyone seems to be talking about it . My ears and senses are on red alert at every moment in a public situation , to see if I can capture a glimpse or snippet of informative conversation that might lead me , with fanfare , down the red carpet to the right , correct and infallible decision . In supermarkets I am reading the backs of all packaging near people who may or may not be talking about Reception classes at any school . At the swimming pool my child may well be drowning or I might be spending an extra long time fixing my goggles because those two people there might possibly have the Holy Grail 's answer to schooling and I can 't miss it . My pace noticeably quickens if I am walking behind someone holding official school type documents that may say something positive or negative about either of the schools we have on our shortlist . I have asked people what drink they might like and the answer they give is one school or the other , and the one they choose is unquestionably the right school . It is completely mental , but as we all know , nothing is rational or explainable when it comes to your little dahlings ! Not just being stealth and ridiculous about it , I have actually held real life conversations with people who have children . It would seem , though , that most people have the same idea ; ease and functionality . This is very sensible , very sensible indeed . However , for some reason I am in two very different minds about this topic for my first child . She is flying the flag for the Hartley girls , pushing the boundary and wetting her toe in the possibly shark infested waters of educational institutions . My second child , I have no qualms about . When it comes to her turn it 'll be a drive by , fling her out of the car to the state school , where I know she 'll flourish or take everyone down with her . We have ummed and aaaahed and occasionally oohed at this quandary , and actually , what it came down to was this ; OFSTED Outstanding and private school shine means virtually nothing if the child in question is miserable . So , we have considered that friends are what matters for anyone at most stages of the game . Our eldest needs security , consistency and love , all of which can be monitored by almost anyone else better than us , so we have sent her with her friends to the local state school where she 'll flourish and enjoy and we 'll watch and learn and if it goes wrong at any stage , we 'll pull the plug and move her , regardless of friends . There are no rules , there is no wrong or right , there are opinions and there 's that time old fail safe , mother 's intuition . I have said before , and I shall say this again and again , who in the name of Brian Blessed left me in charge of such a decision ? Posted by This is not something that must be taken lightly , you cannot just wantonly pick some people that you " really " like and head to the nearest estate agent to select a property that would match all your combined budgets / needs . One has to be more selective than this it would seem . At this point it would seem pertinent to mention that I am basing this science on communal existence with children and other people who have children . Although , should you be reading this and not have children , do please feel free to respond to this advice with others who don 't have children . . . As far as I can tell , children behave a lot better when amongst their peers , providing their peers are not hellish children who are best avoided at all costs . When children are at school , they sit down and eat without getting up and down from the table to smear food around and about or to hit their older or younger siblings . They do not seem to whine at anyone in earshot demanding all sorts of things that make the person in charge want to leave and get a new job that has nothing what so ever to do with little blighters . They remain at the table , on the chair and are dismissed at the appropriate time . I have to believe that this is to do with environment , not just simply because anybody else is far better at looking after my little cherubs than I am . Although I also know , that this is true , as most people have more luck with my two than I think I have ever had in their entire years on this earth ( my children , not the other people ) . So , over this three weeks away I have been watching and digesting and ruminating on behaviour , hours spent chastising v hours spent enjoying and I have , in the main , seen that my children are far happier and slightly better than totally out of control when they are in amongst a group of children . In Norfolk , for example , there was another little boy , same age as my eldest , and his baby brother , and not one of my girls tried to kill the baby or maim the little boy . Sure , this is not Carealot and my children weren 't massively transformed . They had their moments , but in the main , they were much more controllable and therefore manageable . We went crabbing , I pushed the frontier and headed out with my girls to low ground by the waters edge , where we were very near swallowed by quick sand and as a result nearly drowned in the water . This was TOTALLY my fault though . The girls just wanted to catch crabs , they actually wanted to spend indefinite amounts of time doing something as a group that didn 't involve squabbling , whining , maiming or varying degrees of hell . They played , they interacted , they shared and they occupied each other . Yes , one day , hungover parents left them all to their own devices while they caught a few more parent winks , and the conservatory of someone elses house was painted , creatively mind , with the carefully stored , left over chocolate wedding cake . But I saw this as enterprising rather than malicious or naughty . When questioned , they all owned up , rather proudly , to their various rolls in " chocolate gate " as it has become to be known . But the point here is , they did it together , and they did it peacefully and quietly meaning that forty winks was possible . This is unheard of in my house . If forty winks are required my husband and I are used as human climbing frames , CBeebies is shouted for , breakfast and libations are demanded relentlessly until , bed becomes purgatory and we have no choice but to drunkenly stumble from bed to kitchen . We like to remain responsible at all times ! On holiday in Greece , despite my youngest nearly drowning ( true story ) on the second day , and in spite of monumental tiredness on the part of the children , play was conducted nicely in the main and hugs and kisses were issued liberally between respective kinders . In fact , it would seem that , the only time children really became unmanageable was when parents intervened and tried to usher children to do what they requested . At these times of course , there was another adult there to diffuse the situation so rarely would it get to a point when torture or abandonment were on the cards . When else do you get this apart from communal existence ? With communal existence you also have comparisons . There are times when frankly , your children are nowhere near as bad as someone elses , never mind that the children being compared to as the base line for dreadfulness are always mine ! At some point in communal existence , unless your child is perma Beelzebub , your child will shine as angelic , you 'll be able to smile smugly , nod your head at anyone who cares , and say " I did that " . eldest , it usually is , second child complains less , is far more robust and if she feels she wants something she usually gets on with it , regardless of the consequences . Back to the eldest . For a while we had been having a bit of a nightmare getting her to go to school , it would start in the morning when she would greet us at Oh Christ hundred am , whingeing about the fact that she didn 't want to go to school . Never mind if it wasn 't a school day , every day 's the same for little people , it would seem ( children , not midgets , I know far less about the vertically challenged ! ) she would let us know before we 'd even opened our eyes that she was not happy with us bundling her into the car and leaving her in the care of her nursery . overs and sneak in at weird times to make sure that they aren 't being beaten in secret dungeons whilst we 're not there . I know it 's not happening . Her nursery is the stuff dreams are made of . How many of us would say " day at nursery you say ? No , no , I 'd much rather commute , make duly followed this logic and back would come the answer " I don 't like my hot lunch " , " my hot lunch is not nice Mummy " , " I like a packed lunch Mummy , jam sandwiches are nicer than hot lunch . " I was despondent , I couldn 't believe that their a la carte menu was the issue . A couple of weeks passed and it was still the same . us was convenient . They were getting a good , healthy and well balanced lunch at least 3 times a week . This meant that we were all happy . But now my little bubble was bursting , my convenient happiness was my eldest 's unhappiness , so much so that she didn 't give a hoot what Old Macdonald had on his farm , nursery was rubbish and she didn 't want to go . So , we arrived at the packed lunch . It sounds so simple , packed lunch . . . images of lunch boxes and sandwiches and lovely little drinks and bits and pieces all gathered up in a lovely little lunch box type wrapping . But it 's just not that simple . Cooking with various different ingredients in a timely and succinct fashion produces a whole , balanced , nutritious meal of food . You have a cornucopia of balance , nutrition and delicious at your finger I wander around my kitchen thinking about new and improved ways to get things into my children . My youngest doesn 't like the common or garden sandwich so I have to make deconstructed sandwiches wrapped up as individual offerings . The eldest sees little point in raw vegetables so cucumber is shaped into things that I don 't even know existed , we 're on our second week and I haven 't yet got to carrots , but Peppa Pig , I have it on good authority , cuts a dash in carrot form ? Yoghurts and cheese are administered liberally and I scour the supermarket shelves for anything organic and healthy that looks like a sweet . It makes me sweat , delicious packed lunches , they 'll be back on hot lunches before they can blink , even if I have to go to school and whip them up myself ! But , ladies and gents , dare I ask , am I just succumbing to the competitive parent in me ? Is Nutella on Haribo occasionally such a bad thing ? I don 't know , I can 't answer any of this I have packed lunches to construct , don 't I ! ? Posted by " I am a lioness . A black sheba . I am a lioness , and this is my cub . If you mess with my cub , I will claw your ass up until you shit sideways . " I am less of a lioness and more of a sloth / grizzly bear at rest hybrid . I am also not black , so saying that in my white upper / middle class accent would make me sound less sincere and frightening more wigger with issues . But the sentiment is very much there . As I think is the case with most parents , our children are our pride and joy and any slight visited on them is slam dunked straight into the " oh shit " archives that I think we all harbour ( not just me ? ) and hope we can keep at bay with protocol and that which society dictates , to a lesser or greater extent . For example , you aren 't going to punch someone in the face for telling you that your child isn 't as amazing as you undoubtedly ( at certain times ) think they are . Children that get on your nerves aren 't going to be bound and gagged as soon as their parents backs are turned for long enough , no matter how you much you feel like this is the only course . Perhaps you are , but it won 't be long before things spiral and you find yourself in a whole lot of inconvenience with people like the law . This particular rant begins with my eldest who has come home from nursery on several occasions speaking about one of her " best good " friends in a light and breezy way , telling me through fake almost laughter , that " sometimes X plays tricks on me and tells me that I am her friend and that I am not her friend ! " I from the front of the car have to loosen the collar of the article of clothing that is now strangling me and breathe deeply to stop my blood from cooking me ( see Anger Management ) . The first time I heard this I simply delved into standard parent manual response and said that " that wasn 't very nice and we should be friends with everyone and dee dah dee dah dee dah " text book . They 're young and this really means very little , ha ha . The second and third time however , and god forbid there should be a forth , I no longer probe about the little friend in question , I saw a little flash of red and said , against much , much better judgement , that she should I have met the mother of X and I have had X round at our house . Both X and her mother are wouldn 't hurt a fly , sit in the corner , say very little but wow the company with humility and good manners , if not a little wet , type beings . But rather wet than tear your house down rudeness . They are pleasant and personable and seemingly good people . I am no human lie detector , but when it comes to my cub , there 's no rationale , not dissimilar to Robert de Niro in Meet the Parents . I want to have this out , whilst they are strapped to a lie detector and a chair in a bunker under our house should they ever come round . I 'll offer them drinks , and then as I proffer the biscuits I 'll lure them down the stairs to my prepped room . . . Plan needs work . Through my head , when I think about our next meeting , go images of me short arm jabbing bodies to the belly with a knee raise to the face , aggressive questioning through gritted teeth . But I am not Lara Croft and this is not Grand Theft Auto . This is law abiding Wiltshire , nursery school rantings from my eldest and a lioness who is way too idealistic about how things should go . This truly is not the end of the world and I know that I am verging on psycho . But psycho is more fun than text book . X , although not as lovely as I had fist imagined , is really probably quite sweet and harmless and her mother may or may not be the she devil that I have emblazoned on the back of my eyeballs . In my mind now , she 's a dreadful child , but maybe my eldest does see it as " a trick , " and maybe X sees it as " a trick " too . So , unless I become a human lie detector and a Black Sheba / Lara Croft , I have to realise that I can 't fight all their battles or choose their friends . In the same way that my father couldn 't ACTUALLY shoot the first boy he caught in my room , despite waving a shotgun in his face ! Is there any other way to deal with other peoples dreadful children , and really , just how dreadful are other peoples children ? Unfortunately for us , recently , our children have chosen the path to ill health and sickness over the last couple of weeks , with the much coveted and very underrated chicken pox , high temperatures and vomiting . Not all at once though , spread evenly over the weeks . Whilst every parent has to go through these things at some point , it still doesn 't make it easier , enviable or delighting . Except chicken pox , which everyone wants their children to have but schools still tell you to keep them away , even though they have obviously caught the pox from the very vessels from which they are banned . Children and childcare is so delightfully and gloriously complex you just simply couldn 't make it up . As always , I digress . I would label myself as an existent parent , by virtue of the fact that I have children , thus making me a parent and I am alive , thus making me existent . It 's not hard . To explain . . . Days morph ceaselessly into weeks and weeks into years and so on , and all I really have to show for this passing of time is two children , albeit ill , who are alive . My house , rented , is not likely to be up for anything near Good Housekeeping standard awards ( does such a thing even exist ? ) . The only consistent thing about it is the washing ( scattered everywhere ) and the cooking , largely uneaten , located between Aga , plate , table and bin . We do disorganised chaos in spades . People come round and I am frantically trying to put things in cupboards that I know no one is going to open and then die from suffocation under the avalanche of stuff that falls out on them . I do not ( contrary to my last blog ) want to be imprisoned for manslaughter by cupboard related means , I don 't have the time for one thing . Beds are made , albeit badly , and bathrooms are clean . It 's usually pandemonium and stress levels mount to catastrophic levels . The thing is , I like Clean and I like Tidy , I do , I just haven 't met them yet , they stop by very rarely and after they 've been , Unclean and Untidy whisk through the house like a tornado leaving me whimpering and bitter . I have great intentions . House and Garden Magazine nipping by to have a cup of something stylish out of something that matches and doesn 't have a chip in it or worse , something that the dishwasher failed to mention that it hadn 't cleaned off ! Nigella and Delia whizzing by to taste the latest baked good that I have whipped up whilst redesigning the ground floor of my cesspit / house . Tara Palmer - Tomkinson and Gok flying through to check out the new craze of Yummy Mummy Couture I 've thrown together during and for the school run . These are my aspirations , and yet I manage virtually no baking , food that only tastes good because by the time the marauding hordes sit down to eat it they can barely see for drunkenness and the clothes I stand up in I have usually found under the dog and can barely tell where he finishes and they begin . Despite all of this , my children are often better dressed than me . Their hair is rarely to never brushed , teeth often smell of toothpaste , but sometimes I think that is because they return to it again and again as an attainable source of nutrition , once they have turned their nose up at my gastronomic offerings . Luckily , they have absolutely no frame of reference or I am pretty sure they 'd be on to Child line at their earliest convenience booking themselves into borstal / foster homes . This to me , is Existent Parenting as it stands . Excellent parents I have met on my travels . We seem to stay with them wherever we go . Their homes are temples , as are their bodies , their kitchens are a calm , tranquil place of good smells , tastes and virtue and their children are seen , heard and , dare I say it , ENJOYED ! Scones have been made effortlessly in front of me , despite the technical glitch with the brand new mixer given as a Birthday / Valentines Gift by Excellent Father . Feasts for thousands , as far as I can tell , where vegans , vegetarians and gluttons have all been catered for . Planned games and childcare flow seamlessly through our time spent with them enabling calm , order and Existent Parents to , well , exist ? Excellent Mothers are well dressed , looking good is obtained with minimal strife and all tasks leave me reeling with a great and burdening sense of retardation . How can you hold a sensible and interesting conversation with me and these others whilst not frappeing your finger , sauteing your nerves and ironing your children ? Why is your washing machine not walking out the door telling you to F ' off over it 's shoulder ? How come all the rooms of your house are identifiable as something other than a boot room or play room ? How come the thing under our feet , that in this context I can actually call a floor , is not sticky and crunchy and or squelchy and recognisable as inside only by virtue of the fact that you had to come inside to stand on it ? Excellent Father 's roll about the place on castors it would seem . Your glass , stomach , purse and brain are never void . Conversation is free flowing and humorous for the larger majority of the time , food and drink are administered regularly and without interruption , all the Existent Parent has to worry about is not spilling all of this down their front , which , let me tell you , is extremely hard . In a situation where Excellent Mother and Excellent Father are still together , the Excellent Father bolsters the Excellent Mother 100 % creating utterly admirable parenting to the factor of gojillion . There is nothing one can do about this , it is fact . I kow tow to all parents everywhere , be they Existent or Excellent . The fact is , we 're doing it , we 're doing it in a way that expectant parents and non parents cannot fathom . This is a club that , truly , given the chance again , we 'd all vote for a few more years without . But , as luck would have it , we wouldn 't want it any other way , would we ? Inside I 'm drowning , on the outside I 'm touching insanity . It 's truly not a good look , or one that I am immensely proud of but , unfortunately , over the four years that I have been blessed with my little gems my , already , low tolerance has all but gone . " put that down please , or you 'll break it and then we 'll all be very sad " , " don 't play that close to the fire because you 'll burn yourself " " please don 't use all the soap in the soap dispenser to wash the sink or there won 't be any left to wash our hands with " . " please could you put your coat on , it 's cold outside and I don 't want you to get pneumonia " " don 't bite , push , kick , scratch , pill each others hair . " " please eat your food or you 'll be very hungry later and there are NO snacks ! " and so on and so on . It 's endless , I have become worse than the mothers I used to hear screaming at their children , mainly in the supermarkets , telling them that the end of the world was neigh if they put another foot wrong . As I write this , I know that another foot is going to go wrong and the friendly warning is going to turn in to nuclear bombing . Friendly warnings seem to serve no purpose , other than letting my children know that if they carry on there is at least one more level to get to before it 's ear bleeding warfare of insane mother . At this point , they might decide that listening is perhaps the way to go , but only if the goal , they are trying to get to , is less appealing than the manic , screeching fishwife that is their mother . Unfortunately , it rarely is . So beyond screeching fishwife is usually where we end up . Anger takes over and patience goes on holiday to a far flung destination , where the weather 's really nice and the children are immaculately behaved . I am angry , very angry . I can feel it rising up from the soles of my feet . I look and sound like Alan Rickman as The Sheriff of Nottingham in Robin Hood Prince of Thieves . I know it 's not right or good , but when you 're doing something , usually to benefit them , and they are whingeing or perilously throwing themselves around , or killing each other , or stealing from themselves , or drawing , painting or printing on walls / furniture and or upholstery for the millionth time in 5 minutes , where do you go ? How do you communicate your wants and needs to the people that one has created ? How do you manage two little people that are genetically modified to be better than you , to be smarter , faster and all round more canny than you ? The other day ( after a particularly fraught car journey ensemble ) , my eldest told me that I would go to prison if I left her and her sister on the side of the road to fend for themselves . Yes , this may be true , Social Services might well be called and I might be deported to the nearest correctional facility , detained at Her Majesty 's pleasure , but at that very moment in time , it ACTUALLY sounded appealing . 10 X 4 , no children , no washing , no ironing , no cooking , no fighting , no nonsense for me to deal with and take responsibility for , HM Prison here I come ! Not to do Prison down , I wouldn 't wish it on anyone , but to get away from screaming at my children and berating them for things that , with perspective , when it comes , aren 't too bad , I 'd go anywhere . The trouble is , that young children , unless well behaved , take over ones life . You cannot leave them unattended for a second to get on with anything or they 'll burn the house down , paint it with hand prints , cut all the dogs hair off , eat everything you have in your treat cupboard and then , at the end of it , you won 't be able to get an answer as to why , because they aren 't rational , they 're not even responsible yet . Anger creeps in and ooh , hello Alan ! It 's a siege and a quest just to make sure that your pride and joys are well adjusted , well rounded , appealing , intelligent , nice individuals . I want so much for them and us . I want them to be better than me , but the example that I give them is me . How therefore can I expect them to stand a chance and not be angry little psychos with more neuroses than the average mental asylum ? It 's a hell of a worry . But , as I have said , luckily nature is on hand , to make them better than me anyway , that 's science , apparently . So , may I suggest , and by this I am not preaching , I am really telling myself . One must sit back , relax and take time to let nature take it 's course . Things happen because they need to ? Ironing can wait , food can wait , cleaning , washing , walking the dog , paying the bills ( within reason ) can wait . Nothing can be achieved immediately , and if it is making one stressed then one will be impatient / angry and the outcome will be negative . If one has made it this far , and they are still alive , then one can make it through the next bit at a cruise ? Let 's try it , just for an hour , or a few minutes , it can 't get any worse , can it ? Posted by I am London born and bred , and apart from everything that is wrong with me , there is very little wrong with me , so why not stay in London and bring my children up there ? Apart from 8 years at boarding school in Dorset and every other weekend with my mother , the country was somewhere that you heard people talk about . But no , that is what we all needed in our lives , a hardy helping of quaint old Dorset , where cows read books and farmers skip around the fields in their lovely shiny traaa ' ers . The move went very smoothly , we found our Cottage in the lovely village of Hinton St Mary , just outside Sturminster Newton , the metropolis of everything . The girls had a bedroom at the other end of the house to ours , the garden was adorned almost straight away with our newly purchased football pitched sized trampoline , puppy was purchased ( to keep " older dog happy " ) and wellies were fitted to each and everyone 's feet almost permanently . The first two weeks were amazing , people coming down from London to check that we 'd not gone mad and were in fact embracing all that the country had to offer . We 'd get leathered and regale them of antics with dogs and the local pub and villagers and space and " you 've got to try this , this is what life is about ! " They 'd leave on the Sunday night and take a little piece of our soul with them , a piece of our soul that could barely be found at the bottom of the 3rd bottle of wine let alone the 5th . Time passed in this way and sometimes we 'd see no one for days , literally NO ONE . Man cannot live on bread alone , this is true , he can 't . Man ( from London ) cannot live , with 2 children and a dog , and a puppy , on people weekending . Social networks were null , some people hadn 't heard of the Internet , let alone Facebook . I think the clincher to my stay in paradise was being woken up at 6am by a wild , inbred , stuttering farmer shouting at me to move a car , that wasn 't mine , so that he could move his space ship past the house that was , by now fully scaffolded , so that there was nowhere to park in the whole of Dorset , let alone in the parking space outside my house . The children were miserable at their new nursery , where children were happy to chew grass for a whole morning , god knows what they did in the afternoon . Everything was a thousand miles away and not one of us was truly happy . Not quite defeated , we decided that less urban was what we needed . The children needed more amenities . They needed children , they needed clubs and classes , they needed to be able to go to the shop at any time and get a pint of milk any day of the week . They needed TAKE AWAY . . . So we packed up and moved to Wiltshire , to this place called Salisbury , where the streets are paved with gold and people do things . Normal things . We still have the large trampoline in the garden , but like most trampolines , it 's gathering rust , because our children are at a nursery where they feed animals and go swimming and learn french . Mummy and Daddy can go and get a coffee that sounds like a physics experiment but it 's standard . There are people down the road who know of this London place , but , like we are now , are happy that they left it , they are welcoming and we are friends . We see people everyday and the girls have friends again . We are 90mins from London and that 's far enough . No one wants to go back there , but it 's nice to know that it 's there , always there should we need it . So , should you move ? Yes , you absolutely should , but to a place that you know and where people are happy to let you be one of them . Children ? Do you think they care ? Do they know that there is more out there ? I don 't know , but I do know that they are happy , and isn 't that what all this is about ?
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Recently Madi and I ( Bethany ) have come to know about a new author , Jessica Dotta and her debut novel , which is to be released on September 1st called Born of Persuasion ! It is the first book in Jessica 's Price of Privilege trilogy , and in honor of it 's upcoming release , Jessica is having a month long celebration on her Facebook with lots of delightful giveaways that you don 't want to miss ! The celebration starts tomorrow on August 1st , and will run until the end of the month so be sure and like the Facebook page HERE so you can get updates on all the fun ! And be sure and stop by here on The Literary Maidens blog tomorrow for more info on Jessica Dotta and Born of Persuasion as well as a very special excerpt from the book ! See you tomorrow ! Have any read any of these books ? Did you like them ? Share with us what you 've read this month ! We always love hearing from you in the comments ! This no - holds - barred autobiography chronicles the remarkable life of Phil Robertson , the original Duck Commander and Duck Dynasty star , from early childhood through the founding of a family business . Life was always getting in the way of Phil Robertson 's passion for duck hunting . An NFL - bound quarterback , Phil made his mark on Louisiana Tech University in the 1960s by playing football and completing his college career with a master 's degree in English . But Phil 's eyes were not always on the books or the ball ; they were usually looking to the sky . Phil grew up with the dream of living the simple life off the land like his forebears , but he soon found himself on a path to self - destruction - leasing a bar , drinking too much , fighting , and wasting his talents . He almost lost it all until he gave his life to God . And then everything changed . Phil 's incredible story tells how he followed a calling from God and soon after invented a duck call that would begin an incredible journey to the life he had always dreamed of for himself and his family . With great love for his country , his family , and his maker , Phil has finally found the ingredients to the " good life " he always wanted . This has got to be the best book that I have read this year , hands down ( or thumbs up ) . I have been a fan of the show Duck Dynasty for a while now , and when I found out that Phil and Willie Robertson had each written a book , I kind of geeked out . I 'm so excited for the opportunity to read , review and promote anything by this family ! This book was about Phil Robertson - the man who started the Duck Commander Business - and how he came to be where he is today . I was fascinated to find out that Phil wasn 't always the Godly , wise man that everyone sees today . He was married to his wife Kay at a very young age ( he was 16 and she was 15 ) , and at first he wasn 't the ideal father and husband . But , God got ahold of him and he turned his life around when he was 28 years old , and he has been a proud proclaimer of the gospel ever since . I happen to personally know how certain situations instigated by a father can affect an entire family , and not always in a good way . That being said , there is always a hidden story of redemption . The kindness and forgiveness displayed by his family was astounding , and Phil 's drive to become a better husband , father and person was even more impressive . Since Phil turned his life around , he became an all out Bible thumper ( America needs a few more of those ) . The lessons that he learned throughout his life he shares candidly , and in a forthright manner he tells you how to handle some hard situations . I love his outspoken demeanor , and how he just calls them as he sees ' em . One of my favorite quotes from this book was : / / B e t h a n y 's R e v i e w / / Since I am a fan of Duck Dynasty , I found this book a very enjoyable read , as I got to know more about Phil Robertson who is a star in his family 's reality TV show , Duck Dynasty which is shown on A & E . I loved the Phil - ness of the book , and while it 's kinda hard to explain just what that is , anyone who 's seen Phil on Duck Dynasty will known that Phil has a very distinct flavor ; one that you don 't see much nowadays . Basically , it was super redneck and super low - tech - and hey , the world could always use a bit more of that , right ? And while Phil is very strong on his opinions , I would say that I wholeheartedly agree with each of them , especially all the political related ones in the last chapter . He 's got some good stuff to say , and while I 'm not exactly taking on the whole no technology philosophy , there are quite a few things that I could agree with that I think the world would do good to hear . Before reading Happy , Happy , Happy I had already read Phil 's son Willie 's book The Duck Commander Family , which went into detail explaining how the Robertson family grew up . While a lot of that was repeated in this book , I enjoyed getting to hear it from Phil 's point of view , and there were a couple details that were not mentioned in The Duck Commander Family . I really enjoyed getting to read about Phil 's life before he came to Christ , when he was drinking and doing things he shouldn 't have . I especially enjoyed hearing how he came to Christ , and how his life was different after he became a Christian , especially how he would go and " preach " and speak to people about Christ . For me , the best parts of this book were all the black and white photos of Phil and his family , as well as all the quotes that I could very easily see Phil saying , like he often quotes on Duck Dynasty . This book , being that it 's written by Phil , definitely had a different take on things that what you 'd normally see in a biography / memoir type book , which makes it very unique ! But in all honesty , what about the Robertson family is average ? : ) In all , I really enjoyed getting to read this book . It gives lots of insight into the Robertson family , and details on how they grew up and started Duck Commander . One of the unique things that sets the book apart from The Duck Commander Family is since it 's from Phil 's point of view , there are more details on how Duck Commander got started and lots of early memories of the business before it brought in buckets of money . In all , Happy , Happy , Happy is a great book full of wonderful family memories and advice , with a special Phil touch . I 'd recommend it to anyone who likes to hunt , or to fans of Duck Dynasty . Anyone who is a fan of Phil should be sure and pick up this book ! NOTE : : We would like to sincerely thank the publisher for providing us girls with a complimentary review copy of this book to read and review ! We were not paid to read and review this book , and all thoughts expressed in our reviews are completely our own and unbiased . Nestled along the banks of the mighty Mississippi , Riverview Plantation is a picture of southern charm and tranquility . But an embittered quest to right the wrongs of the past soon threatens to destroy the peace and security of all who dwell there . Melinda Cartwright is determined to help the Elliott brothers catch the smugglers that threaten their pecan operation . And John Elliott is just as determined to stop her ! As John watches his older brother , his aunt , and even their house - guests fall in love with Melinda , and her winsome ways , he battles his own conflicting feelings for her . Melinda is not immune to his charms . But she denies her feelings , certain a future with John would mean the sacrifice of her dreams . Then Melinda makes a sacrifice of another kind . One that could cost her very life . Ultimately God intercedes to show them that only by trusting Him can they receive the true desire of their hearts . I would like to start off by thanking author June Caedmon for approaching us about this review and giveaway , Thanks June ! I 'm really excited to tell you a little bit about this author . This is the first book that I have read by June , and I hadn 't heard of her before now , but I was really impressed ! There were a few grammatical errors as far as separation of paragraphs and transitional sentences , but the story itself was great ! Melinda Cartwright ran into The Elliot brothers on the road ( literally ) ! To make up for breaking their wagon , she dresses as a boy and helps around their farm to help them catch some criminals in action . She quickly comes to care for all the people at her new home , and God shows her that he knows her Heart 's Desire . John Elliot isn 't sure how he feels about having a woman work with all the men on his farm . Actually he does , there just isn 't much that he can do about it . His concern for Mel 's safety soon turns to something more , and it gets harder and harder to let Melinda put herself in dangerous situations . One of the things that I really liked about this book was that it didn 't need a bunch of that ooey - gooey romantic stuff to enhance the story . It had enough happening ! I also liked the lead female character . Let me tell you , she was a little spit - fire ! I can relate to this little woman with a big personality . This a good book to settle down with over the weekend . Hopefully I can get my hands on the second book in this series pretty soon ! The Literary Maidens would like to thank author June Caedmon for providing a copy of Heart 's Desire for Madi to review , and also a signed copy to give away to one of you ! To enter this giveaway just click on the rafflecopter widget below and select the activities that you would like to participate in . Remember , the more you do , the bigger chance you have of winning ! Good Luck ! N o t e : : I was not paid to review Heart 's Desire or giveaway a copy on this blog . I received a free copy of the book to read and review from the author . All thoughts expressed in the review are my own and completely honest and unbiased . I hope you all are having a splendid weekend ! Today I wanted to share a quick post to let you know about some good Kindle e - book freebies that I 've come across and wanted to share with you all . I have a Kindle and ever since purchasing it , I 've been scouring Amazon for free Christian e - books , and have found a few invaluable resources that have lead me to getting 400 + free Kindle books over time - all for FREE ! ( Maybe one day I will do a post with links to the resources for my Kindle freebies . If you are interested in seeing such a post , please let me know in a comment ! ) Needless to say , I 've got a boat load of e - books on my Kindle , so many that they would all last me a couple years - and I didn 't pay a single cent for one of them ! This weekend I 've come across some wonderful freebies , and two of them had been on my wish - list for quite some time so I was delighted to load them onto my Kindle for free ! Now while I always prefer print books over e - books , I will admit there are advantages and cons to e - books . Personally I like taking my Kindle along with me on vacations so I won 't have to haul a bunch of books around and wonder if I 've brought enough and keep up with them all through hotels and touring the area . So I will have to keep these recent freebies on hand for our next road trip ! So now that I 've gone off on a rabbit trail , I 'm sure you are all curious as to which e - books are currently free on Amazon ( and possibly Barns and Noble for Nook users , though I 've not checked ) . but before sharing them with you I wanted to let you know that even if you don 't have a Kindle , there is a Kindle app that you can load onto basically any Smartphone or tablet . More info on that at the bottom of the post though . Now on to the freebies ! " Lilly Gray Corbett has just graduated from medical school and decided to accept an internship in the coal camp of Skip Rock , Kentucky . Her beau , Paul , is doing his residency in Boston and can 't understand why Lilly would choose to work in a backwater town . But having grown up in the mountains , Lilly is drawn to the stubborn , superstitious people she encounters in Skip Rock - - a town where people live hard and die harder and where women know their place . Lilly soon learns she has a lot to overcome , but after saving the life of a young miner , she begins to earn the residents ' trust . As Lilly becomes torn between joining Paul in Boston and her love for the people of Skip Rock , she crosses paths with a handsome miner - - one who seems oddly familiar . Her attraction for him grows , even as she wrestles with her feelings and wonders what he 's hiding . " I have read this book , and actually had just finished it the day before it was free on Kindle . I absolutely loved it and would highly encourage you to read it ! It reminded me a lot of Christy by Catherine Marshall and I eagerly await other opportunities to read more of Jan 's novels in the future ! " The prophet Nehemiah 's cousin can speak numerous languages , keep complex accounts , write on rolls of parchment and tablets of clay , and solve great mysteries . There is only one problem : she is a woman . In her early childhood years , Sarah experienced the death of her mother and her father 's subsequent emotional distance and she came to two conclusions : that God does not care about her , and that her accomplishments are the measure of her worth - the measure of her self . Sarah , the talented scribe and cousin to Nehemiah , is catapulted into the center of the Persian court , working too many hours , rubbing elbows with royalty , and solving intrigues for the Queen . Ironically , it isn 't failure but success that causes Sarah to lose her only source of external validation . Sarah soon learns that she has something of worth to offer beyond her ability with languages and sums - her very being proves to be a blessing to others particularly the aristocrat , Darius , she was given to in marriage . Sarah and Darius ' story continues in Harvest of Gold . Darius may be able to learn to love his wife , but can he ever learn to trust Sarah and her Lord ? " " When Miss Charlotte Wilson asks God for a husband , she decides He must want her to pursue Mr . Hamilton Beckett , the catch of the season . The only problem ? She 's never actually met Hamilton . Fortunately , one of her oldest and dearest friends , Mr . Henry St . James - who has returned to New York after a two - year absence - does know Hamilton . Much to Henry 's chagrin , Charlotte immediately ropes him into helping her meet Hamilton . However , none of her plans to catch Hamilton 's eye go as she expected , and she is even more confused when her old feelings for Henry begin to resurrect themselves . In the midst of the mayhem Charlotte always seems to cause , she wonders if the gentleman of her dreams might be an entirely different man than she thought . This novella is a companion to A Change of Fortune , Jen Turano 's full - length debut novel , available fall 2012 . " This is one of my favorite novellas and a definite re - read ! While I normally shy away from books that have a lot of feminism , I really enjoyed this novella ! ( This book is set in the time when women were trying to be allowed to vote , and while I have nothing against women voting , I don 't like the superior - to - men attitude that this time period brought . ) Normally I wouldn 't have read it , but it was a free novella that was a short story to start off Jen 's new Ladies of Distinction series . Personally I loved Henry , and he is the main reason why I enjoyed this novella so much ! Plus it 's very short and could easily be read in a day making for a nice light quick read ! So there you have it ladies ! I hope you all will take advantage of these great deals and load the books onto your Kindle ! For those of you who don 't have a Kindle , then there is a Kindle app that you get on all Smartphones as well as tablets where you can read these free e - books , so if you 'd like to read any of these books , but don 't have a Kindle then check out the app ! I believe they also have the app available for MACs too ! To visit the Amazon page that give info on all the different devices that you can get a Kindle app on click HERE ! Oh , and also remember to let me know if you 'd like to see more posts with details on Kindle Freebies ! And before I sign off , I wanted to leave a link to Bethany House 's site where they share the dates for this month 's free and discounted e - deals so you can load your Kindle with even more free books ! There were too many e - deals to actually list on this post , so go check out the website HERE ! The cottage by the sea offers Amy a refuge to mourn her brother 's death and perhaps even discover a new love . But what if Ben 's death was no accident ? Rosemary Cottage on the Outer Banks of North Carolina has been in Amy Lang 's family for generations and offers her a haven within its peaceful walls . There she hopes to discover what really happened to her brother , Ben , even as she tries to come to grips with his death in the ocean months before . She hopes the Coast Guard team will help her find closure , but they are quick to dismiss her concerns of foul play . Everyone in Hope Beach regards the suspicious e - mail she received as a vicious prank . When it seems discovering what happened to Ben will take longer than she expected , Amy moves her midwifery practice to Hope Beach . Coast Guard officer Curtis Ireland may hold the key to many of her questions , but he also hides a secret that will change her world forever . And her own secrets could tear apart the fragile love developing between them . Will Amy have the courage to put down her mask and let Curtis love her for who she is ? And can they both weather the danger that threatens to destroy the most precious thing in their lives ? Soon both Amy and Curtis find out that their siblings are not the people that they thought they were . When investigating their deaths leads to clues that compromise their memories , things get really heated . How can someone who never even met Ben and Gina think that they know them better than their own siblings ? I was really impressed with this book . I will admit that going into this book , I was a little bit reluctant because I had read one other book of Colleen Coble 's and I remember telling my friend shortly after that it was slightly lacking . But Rosemary Cottage has made me a fan . I will definitely be checking out some of Coble 's books on my next library trip . There wasn 't too much romance , which , for me is a plus . I feel that if you need to include a bunch of ooey - gooey stuff to draw in a reader than you have a problem anyways . This books was suspenseful , intriguing , sweet , and totally unexpected . You never knew what was going to happen next , and every problem had a very unique answer . I don 't want to spoil it for those of you who have yet to read this little gem , but I have to tell you how much I loved the conclusion . This book ended with some major action , and what happened was so unexpected that even Adrian Monk couldn 't have seen it coming . It was fantastic . If you are looking for something to read this weekend , this is the book you need to get your hands on . Like me , you probably won 't be able to put it down . ~ The Literary Maidens Note : I was provided with a free print copy of Rosemary Cottage through a blogger book review program . I was not paid to review Rosemary Cottage , and all thoughts expressed in this review are unbiased and completely my own . Posted by " Worlds lie between the marketplaces of India and the halls of a magnificent country estate like Highland Hall . Will Julia be able to find her place when a governess is neither upstairs family nor downstairs help ? Missionary Julia Foster loves working alongside her parents , ministering and caring for young girls in India . But when the family must return to England due to illness , she readily accepts the burden for her parents ' financial support . Taking on a job at Highland Hall as governess , she quickly finds that teaching her four privileged , ill - mannered charges at a grand estate is more challenging than expected , and she isn 't sure what to make of the estate 's preoccupied master , Sir William Ramsey . Widowed and left to care for his two young children and his deceased cousin Randolph 's two teenage girls , William is consumed with saving the estate from the financial ruin . The last thing he needs is any distraction coming from the kindhearted - yet - determined governess who seems to be quietly transforming his household with her persuasive personality , vibrant prayer life , and strong faith . While both are tending past wounds and guarding fragile secrets , Julia and William are determined to do what it takes to save their families - common ground that proves fertile for unexpected feelings . But will William choose Julia 's steadfast heart and faith over the wealth and power he needs to secure Highland Hall 's future ? " When I first requested to review The Governess of Highland Hall , I had never heard of , or read any of Carrie 's books , though I found out later that she has written several . But after looking over the synopsis I though it sounded like a nice read . When I finished reading The Governess of Highland Hall I was very pleased with the story , and though for some reason , it didn 't quite make my 4 star rating mark , I really enjoyed it ! This story has such a elegant backdrop ! It is set in the 1900 's in England on a grand estate which the owner inherited from his late cousin - and had just as quaint a story to go with it . Julia Foster has grown up with her missionary family in India serving the people there , but when her father becomes ill , they must travel back to England in hopes that it will strengthen him so they can return to India . But when his health continues to decrease , and funds are short , Julia obtains a position in a wealthy home as a governess for two young children and two older girls who are ready to make their debut in England . As the story unfolds , you meet many of the people who work and live at Highland Hall and get to know them quite well as we see their lives intertwine - especially when reading about two couples interest for each other despite the fact that one is a wealthy person living at Highland , and the other a lower class worker for Highland . But despite the difference in money , they realize that money has nothing to do with marriage - or at least it shouldn 't - and that you should rather marry for love and because it is the person God has for you . Though these two blossoming romances are just side - stories to make the main plot with Julia and Sir William run smoother , but I enjoyed getting to know the other people at Highland better , and learned a lot from their character . One of the things that I loved about this book is how from the very beginning Julia was a strong believer in Christ - probably due to the fact that she grew up with missionary parents and had several opportunities to prove her faith rather than merely claim it . Often times a story starts with a character who isn 't strong in their faith , but their faith strengthens as the story progresses . But not this one ! Julia was a very firm believer from the very first page , and it was very obvious in the way she made choices and interacted with others - which is one of the things that made me love her and consider her to be a wonderful role model . I just loved seeing how she would respond to certain situations , and often times she would respond with feminine grace that was seasoned with strong Christian character that challenged the way I respond to others and made me think . I also enjoyed how this book was a moderate romance , and while there was some romance , it wasn 't overwhelming and the romance blossomed in a very God honoring manner . The romance also proved a wonderful lesson in regard to realizing that money or class should have nothing to do with who you marry . I also loved the ending to the story and the events that lead up to it ! Some were very unexpected as well ! This book , for me was a very close 4 star book . But for some reason it didn 't quite make the mark , but was definitely above a 3 star rating , so I decided on 3 . 5 stars . I think the reason for this is because they book was a bit laid back . While there was always something going on , only rarely would it be something very exciting or life threatening , and was a more calm story to fit the time period and placing . I found it to sometimes feel a tad bit slow , but it would really depend on what your level of interest is concerning action and excitement . Overall though I found it to be a delightful read and one that I would recommend to historical fiction lovers ! California 's gold country , 1850 . A time when men sold their souls for a bag of gold and women sold their bodies for a place to sleep . Angel expects nothing from men but betrayal . Sold into prostitution as a child she survives by keeping her hatred alive . And what she hates most are the men who use her , leaving her empty and dead inside . Then she meets Michael Hosea . A man who seeks his Father 's heart in everything , Michael obeys God 's call to marry Angel and to love her unconditionally . Slowly , day by day , he defies Angel 's every bitter expectation , until despite her resistance , her frozen heart begins to thaw . But with her unexpected softening come overwhelming feelings of unworthiness and fear . And so Angel runs . Back to the darkness , away from her husband 's pursuing love , terrified of the truth she no longer can deny : Her final healing must come from the One who loves her even more than Michael does . . . the One who will never let her go . I don 't even know where to begin with this book . I loved how the plot was based on the Bible story " Hosea " , and that it showed me that there is absolutely no one beyond God 's reach . But that 's about the only thing I liked about it . This book was INTENSE . I realize the main girl was a former prostitute , but MUST you go into such vivid detail ? I had to skip several pages just to get to a part that I was comfortable reading . I figured that since this book was in the Christian / Fiction genre that it would be just as clean as the other books that I read . Wrong . There should be an age recommendation on this thing . RATED R . INAPPROPRIATE DIALOG . NOT FOR CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 18 . Any of these would have been helpful . This is the third Francine Rivers book that I have read , and you can be absolutely sure that I won 't be reading any more novels by her . Now , just because I wasn 't a fan of this book , doesn 't mean that you wouldn 't be . If you are older , maybe married with a family or something , then I think that you would find this book encouraging . It 's just not something that I personally was comfortable with . It just depends on you personal convictions . ~ The Literary Maidens " Pride goes before the fall . . . but what comes after ? Darbury , England , 1814Amelia Barrett , heiress to an ancestral estate nestled in the English moors , defies family expectations and promises to raise her dying friend 's infant baby . She 'll risk everything to keep her word - even to the point of proposing to the child 's father , Graham , a sea captain she 's never met . Tragedy strikes when the child vanishes with little more than a sketchy ransom note hinting to her whereabouts . Fear for the child 's safety drives Amelia and Graham to test the boundaries of their love for this infant . Amelia 's detailed plans would normally see her through any trial , but now , desperate and shaken , she examines her soul and must face her one weakness : pride . Graham 's strength and self - control have served him well and earned him much respect , but chasing perfection has kept him a prisoner of his own discipline . This book is officially one of my favorites . I originally heard about The Heiress Of Winterwood from a friend , and she just raved about it . I just HAD to read it , she said . So I did , and boy am I glad ! You don 't see books like this every day . Most historical fictions that I have read are all the same . The girl gets the guy , the end , finished . Sarah Ladd had a different idea ! The Heiress Of Winterwood was so suspenseful and full of action ! Just when things start to settle down for Amelia Barret , another curve ball is thrown her way . Her best friend dies ? She raises her daughter as her own . The child 's father returns from sea ? She proposes to him so that she can honor her promise and raise the child herself . They finally get all their plans in place ? Her daughter Lucy gets kidnapped ! This one is a nail biter , that 's for sure and for certain . And the ending ! Oh my gosh , the ending is phenomenal . There are so many suspects in Lucy 's kidnapping , and the criminal that Sarah developed played the perfect part . One of the many things that I loved about this book were the characters . Each one was so different and unique , and each one fit his / her role perfectly . I felt like Amelia and Captain Graham were age old friends . Every feeling , every situation , every venue was described in such vivid detail that I felt like I was walking right there beside them . I am definitely looking forward to reading more from this author . I would recommend this book to anyone over 12 or 13 . It didn 't have a single inappropriate scene , there was no foul language , and I would feel comfortable letting some of our younger readers have a go at it . The only reason I say 12 or so , is because it requires a higher reading level than most people younger than that possess . Faith . Family . Ducks - in that order . This book gives readers an up - close and personal , behind - the - scenes look at the family in the exploding A & E show - Duck Dynasty . This Louisiana bayou family operates Duck Commander , a booming family business that has made them millions . You 'll hear all about the Robertson clan from Willie and what it was like growing up in the Robertson household . You 'll sample some of Willie 's favorite family recipes from Phil , Kay , and even some of his own concoctions ; and you 'll get to know the beautiful Robertson women . You 'll hear from Korie about the joys and hardships of raising a family , running a business , and wrangling the Robertson men while staying fashionable and beautiful inside and out . Discover more about the family dynamics between brothers Willie , Jase , Jep , and parents Phil and Kay . You 'll even meet a fourth brother who isn 't in the show . The popularity of Duck Dynasty is skyrocketing , garnering a Wednesday - night top two finish in all of cable . The book releases in time for season two of the show in October 2012 . It was so great to kind of get a " behind - the - scenes " look at A & E 's hit show Duck Dynasty , in this book The Duck Commander Family written by a couple of the shows stars . My family and I will gather in the living room every Wednesday night and enjoy some very comical and inspirational redneck entertainment via Duck Dynasty . I may live in the city , but I have country roots and I live in Texas , so I can most definitely appreciate the southern hospitality and redneck ingenuity demonstrated by the people of Duck Commander . Some of the stories that Willie shared from his childhood sounded so much like the tales that my dad and uncles exchange at the Thanksgiving table that I wonder if I might be somehow related to the Robertson 's somewhere up there in the bloodline ; ) . Both Willie and Korie Robertson were very candid about where they started , and how hard it was to get there . A multi - million dollar company doesn 't just happen you know , and it was nice to see a whole different side of the reality TV show characters that I have come to love . One of the things that I loved most about this book was how Willie and Korie explained why they act the way that they do , and why their kids are the fine ladies and gentlemen that they are . I wish more parents would instill some good ol ' Christian / southern values in their children . As Scotty McCreery Says : " Nobody eats till ya say amen , and everybody knows your mom and them . " That 's the Texas ( and as far as the Robertsons are concerned , Louisiana ) way . Ever since I watched my first episode of Duck Dynasty , I fell in love with the Robertson family and their philosophy on faith , family and life . So naturally I was delighted to be able to read the book by Willie and Korie and really enjoyed getting to hear about what life was like growing up for Willie in the Robertson family before they were super wealthy due with the Duck Commander business . One of the things that stuck out to me was even though the Robertson family was considered poor before Duck Commander ( I know , it 's hard to believe ! ) , the stories that Willie tells from his childhood were a testament to the fact that just because you don 't have a lot of money doesn 't mean you can 't have a good childhood . Because honestly , money has nothing to do with the quality of life you live . If you 've seen Duck Dynasty , then you 'll be quick to note that the Robertson family has a thing for food . So it was no shock to see that they named each of the seventeen chapters after . . . . get this . . . food ! : ) Another neat aspect of this book is how you can find a recipe that goes along with the chapter 's title at the back of each chapter complete with ingredients , directions as well as a comment from Willie or Korie about where the recipe came from , or why they love making it . Some of the recipes included in this book are : Willie 's Beans & Rice In all , I loved this book , and would highly recommend it to someone looking for a humorous read that is full of wonderful quotes on family , faith and general life . If you are a Duck Dynasty fan and interested in learning about the Robertson 's life before Duck Commander , then you should totally read this book , Jack , cause it 's a fact that it 'll make you happy , happy , happy ! Okay , so enough with the puny - ness , but seriously go read it ! : ) I 'd like to sincerely thank Howard publishing for providing me with a complementary copy of The Duck Commander Family to review . I was not paid to review this book and all thoughts are my own and completely honest and unbiased . After her father 's death , Mollie Knox takes over his watchmaking company and uses her head for business to solidify the good name of the 57th Illinois Watch Company . Her future looks bright until the night her beloved city is destroyed in the legendary Great Chicago Fire . With her world crumbling around her , Molly must do whatever it takes to save her company in the aftermath of the devastating fire . Zack Kazmarek is an influential attorney with powerful ties to the political , mercantile , and ethnic roots of Chicago . His only weakness is Mollie Knox , a woman who has always been just beyond his reach . However , all bets are off after the fire destroys Chicago , and Mollie is in desperate need of assistance . Just as Zack finally begins to pursue the woman he loves , competition arises in the form of a hero from her past who can provide the help she needs to rise from the ashes . While Mollie struggles to rebuild , the two men battle for her heart . One has always loved her , but the other has the power to save her . In the race to rebuild the city , can she survive with her business and her heart intact ? My reading list has been slowly growing , and I have gotten to the point where I try not to read things that I don 't think that I will absolutely love simply because I don 't have the time to waste on 2 or 3 star books when I have a 5 star book sitting on my shelf . Which is why I went for an Elizabeth Camden title . I simply adore her ! This is third book of hers that I 've read , and can 't wait to read her other novels ! I can 't think of a more accurate title for Into The Whirlwind . I started this book at about 1 : 15 p . m this afternoon , and here I am with a finished novel and a book review at 2 : 30 p . m the same day . It was THAT good . I just couldn 't put it down ! Mollie Knox is a sensible business woman who always thinks before she acts . Everything in her life is well thought out and planned before she makes a decision . When their town burns to the ground , and their homes and businesses were lost to them , the townspeople have no choice but to rebuild and give each other a fresh start . But no matter where you are , there will always be a rotten apple in the bunch . People get desperate , they steal , they kill and then they run . Not exactly the best way to deal with instant poverty , but hey , who 's to say any of us would react differently ? There may be bad people in this world , but there is always a remnant of faithful , hard workers , and the amount of kindness and compassion demonstrated in this story can be overwhelming . I love a story with a good moral , and Into The Whirlwind certainly is that . I can 't recommend this book enough . If you can 't get your hands on Into The Whirlwind , then I encourage you to grab another novel by Camden . The Rose Of Winslow Street is one of my personal favorites . Akabe of Siphra is certain his people are insane . Why have they made him a king ? What , in the name of peacetime boredom do kings do ? Frustrated by a lengthy silence from his Creator , the Infinite , Akabe decides to prove himself as king by undertaking a monumental task , his own lifelong dream : Rebuild the Infinite 's temple in Siphra . But Akabe 's impulsive decision sweeps him into a storm of controversy . The Infinite 's enemies join forces in Siphra , and beyond , conspiring to destroy the emerging temple - and to kill their king and his mysterious new queen . This book wasn 't my favorite . It was mostly imaginary politics . There was no plot , no topics of interest , nothing . The only thing that it really had going for it was that I got a good back story on the characters . I knew exactly what each character had gone through , and I could understand their feelings as the story progressed . The king is forced to marry , asks one girl the he likes , gets turned down and ends up marrying the daughter of his enemy . Everything was based on building a temple of worship , which is all fine and dandy , until there is nothing else going on in the story . At all . Nothing was happening ! I had to force myself to read it . One other thing that I did kind of like about it though was some of the similarities between the main character King Akabe and King David of the Bible . There were little snippets where the two almost seemed like the same person . This author has great potential for future best - sellers , but she has a long way to go . Lily Lapp 's family has settled into their new home in Pennsylvania , but life still holds big changes and big steps for Lily . Good changes , like once again living close to her beloved cousin and best friend , Hannah . Bad changes , like a mean girl who plays tricks on her . And no change at all where Lily would most want one - - Aaron Yoder sits near her in school and relentlessly teases her . Surprises are in store for Lily as she learns , with Mama and Papa 's help , to manage the ups and downs of growing up Amish . The third of four charming novels that chronicle the gentle way of the Amish through the eyes of a young girl , " A Big Year for Lily " gives children ages 8 - 12 a fascinating glimpse into the life of the Amish - - and lots of fun and laughter along the way . It combines Mary Ann Kinsinger 's real - life stories of growing up Amish and the bestselling writing of Amish fiction and nonfiction author Suzanne Woods Fisher . With charming line drawings in each book , this series captures the hearts of readers young and old . What a sweet little book ! The Christian - Fiction market has been booming with Amish tales for adults , and I think it 's great that our younger readers get to partake in that a little through The Adventures Of Lily Lapp series . This is a book that I would have loved to have as a little girl . Lily is so relatable , and so sweet ! When I was her age I remember facing many of the same trials , ( though not quite in the same way , considering that I 'm not Amish ) . School - boys are pains , brothers are mischievous , friends come and go and life is unpredictable . I think I may give my copy of A Big Year For Lily to my cousin Kara , since she is about ten years old ( the same age as Lily Lapp ) , and I know that she would enjoy it . I 've outgrown this type of fiction , but I know that books like these can be beneficial to young readers . Lily 's story encourages self - control , and shows how to respond to certain situations that come to all girls in a way that shows maturity . It 's never to early to start learning how to act with grace and patience . I 've seen my friends little sisters check this book out from the library , and they keep going back for the next title in this series . Another thing that I like about A Big Year For Lily is that though it is part of a series , it can easily stand alone and be read without having to read the first two books first . Which , considering some people 's reading habits , can be either a good or a bad thing . For me it 's a good thing , because I don 't have the first two books and I don 't have the time to read them all . Overall , I really enjoyed the story of Lily Lapp , and I would recommend it to girls thirteen or younger . Note : I was provided with a free print copy of A Big Year For Lily through a blogger book review program . I was not paid to review A Big Year For Lily , and all thoughts expressed in this review are unbiased and completely my own . Posted by
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Recently Madi and I ( Bethany ) have come to know about a new author , Jessica Dotta and her debut novel , which is to be released on September 1st called Born of Persuasion ! It is the first book in Jessica 's Price of Privilege trilogy , and in honor of it 's upcoming release , Jessica is having a month long celebration on her Facebook with lots of delightful giveaways that you don 't want to miss ! The celebration starts tomorrow on August 1st , and will run until the end of the month so be sure and like the Facebook page HERE so you can get updates on all the fun ! And be sure and stop by here on The Literary Maidens blog tomorrow for more info on Jessica Dotta and Born of Persuasion as well as a very special excerpt from the book ! See you tomorrow ! Have any read any of these books ? Did you like them ? Share with us what you 've read this month ! We always love hearing from you in the comments ! This no - holds - barred autobiography chronicles the remarkable life of Phil Robertson , the original Duck Commander and Duck Dynasty star , from early childhood through the founding of a family business . Life was always getting in the way of Phil Robertson 's passion for duck hunting . An NFL - bound quarterback , Phil made his mark on Louisiana Tech University in the 1960s by playing football and completing his college career with a master 's degree in English . But Phil 's eyes were not always on the books or the ball ; they were usually looking to the sky . Phil grew up with the dream of living the simple life off the land like his forebears , but he soon found himself on a path to self - destruction - leasing a bar , drinking too much , fighting , and wasting his talents . He almost lost it all until he gave his life to God . And then everything changed . Phil 's incredible story tells how he followed a calling from God and soon after invented a duck call that would begin an incredible journey to the life he had always dreamed of for himself and his family . With great love for his country , his family , and his maker , Phil has finally found the ingredients to the " good life " he always wanted . This has got to be the best book that I have read this year , hands down ( or thumbs up ) . I have been a fan of the show Duck Dynasty for a while now , and when I found out that Phil and Willie Robertson had each written a book , I kind of geeked out . I 'm so excited for the opportunity to read , review and promote anything by this family ! This book was about Phil Robertson - the man who started the Duck Commander Business - and how he came to be where he is today . I was fascinated to find out that Phil wasn 't always the Godly , wise man that everyone sees today . He was married to his wife Kay at a very young age ( he was 16 and she was 15 ) , and at first he wasn 't the ideal father and husband . But , God got ahold of him and he turned his life around when he was 28 years old , and he has been a proud proclaimer of the gospel ever since . I happen to personally know how certain situations instigated by a father can affect an entire family , and not always in a good way . That being said , there is always a hidden story of redemption . The kindness and forgiveness displayed by his family was astounding , and Phil 's drive to become a better husband , father and person was even more impressive . Since Phil turned his life around , he became an all out Bible thumper ( America needs a few more of those ) . The lessons that he learned throughout his life he shares candidly , and in a forthright manner he tells you how to handle some hard situations . I love his outspoken demeanor , and how he just calls them as he sees ' em . One of my favorite quotes from this book was : / / B e t h a n y 's R e v i e w / / Since I am a fan of Duck Dynasty , I found this book a very enjoyable read , as I got to know more about Phil Robertson who is a star in his family 's reality TV show , Duck Dynasty which is shown on A & E . I loved the Phil - ness of the book , and while it 's kinda hard to explain just what that is , anyone who 's seen Phil on Duck Dynasty will known that Phil has a very distinct flavor ; one that you don 't see much nowadays . Basically , it was super redneck and super low - tech - and hey , the world could always use a bit more of that , right ? And while Phil is very strong on his opinions , I would say that I wholeheartedly agree with each of them , especially all the political related ones in the last chapter . He 's got some good stuff to say , and while I 'm not exactly taking on the whole no technology philosophy , there are quite a few things that I could agree with that I think the world would do good to hear . Before reading Happy , Happy , Happy I had already read Phil 's son Willie 's book The Duck Commander Family , which went into detail explaining how the Robertson family grew up . While a lot of that was repeated in this book , I enjoyed getting to hear it from Phil 's point of view , and there were a couple details that were not mentioned in The Duck Commander Family . I really enjoyed getting to read about Phil 's life before he came to Christ , when he was drinking and doing things he shouldn 't have . I especially enjoyed hearing how he came to Christ , and how his life was different after he became a Christian , especially how he would go and " preach " and speak to people about Christ . For me , the best parts of this book were all the black and white photos of Phil and his family , as well as all the quotes that I could very easily see Phil saying , like he often quotes on Duck Dynasty . This book , being that it 's written by Phil , definitely had a different take on things that what you 'd normally see in a biography / memoir type book , which makes it very unique ! But in all honesty , what about the Robertson family is average ? : ) In all , I really enjoyed getting to read this book . It gives lots of insight into the Robertson family , and details on how they grew up and started Duck Commander . One of the unique things that sets the book apart from The Duck Commander Family is since it 's from Phil 's point of view , there are more details on how Duck Commander got started and lots of early memories of the business before it brought in buckets of money . In all , Happy , Happy , Happy is a great book full of wonderful family memories and advice , with a special Phil touch . I 'd recommend it to anyone who likes to hunt , or to fans of Duck Dynasty . Anyone who is a fan of Phil should be sure and pick up this book ! NOTE : : We would like to sincerely thank the publisher for providing us girls with a complimentary review copy of this book to read and review ! We were not paid to read and review this book , and all thoughts expressed in our reviews are completely our own and unbiased . Nestled along the banks of the mighty Mississippi , Riverview Plantation is a picture of southern charm and tranquility . But an embittered quest to right the wrongs of the past soon threatens to destroy the peace and security of all who dwell there . Melinda Cartwright is determined to help the Elliott brothers catch the smugglers that threaten their pecan operation . And John Elliott is just as determined to stop her ! As John watches his older brother , his aunt , and even their house - guests fall in love with Melinda , and her winsome ways , he battles his own conflicting feelings for her . Melinda is not immune to his charms . But she denies her feelings , certain a future with John would mean the sacrifice of her dreams . Then Melinda makes a sacrifice of another kind . One that could cost her very life . Ultimately God intercedes to show them that only by trusting Him can they receive the true desire of their hearts . I would like to start off by thanking author June Caedmon for approaching us about this review and giveaway , Thanks June ! I 'm really excited to tell you a little bit about this author . This is the first book that I have read by June , and I hadn 't heard of her before now , but I was really impressed ! There were a few grammatical errors as far as separation of paragraphs and transitional sentences , but the story itself was great ! Melinda Cartwright ran into The Elliot brothers on the road ( literally ) ! To make up for breaking their wagon , she dresses as a boy and helps around their farm to help them catch some criminals in action . She quickly comes to care for all the people at her new home , and God shows her that he knows her Heart 's Desire . John Elliot isn 't sure how he feels about having a woman work with all the men on his farm . Actually he does , there just isn 't much that he can do about it . His concern for Mel 's safety soon turns to something more , and it gets harder and harder to let Melinda put herself in dangerous situations . One of the things that I really liked about this book was that it didn 't need a bunch of that ooey - gooey romantic stuff to enhance the story . It had enough happening ! I also liked the lead female character . Let me tell you , she was a little spit - fire ! I can relate to this little woman with a big personality . This a good book to settle down with over the weekend . Hopefully I can get my hands on the second book in this series pretty soon ! The Literary Maidens would like to thank author June Caedmon for providing a copy of Heart 's Desire for Madi to review , and also a signed copy to give away to one of you ! To enter this giveaway just click on the rafflecopter widget below and select the activities that you would like to participate in . Remember , the more you do , the bigger chance you have of winning ! Good Luck ! N o t e : : I was not paid to review Heart 's Desire or giveaway a copy on this blog . I received a free copy of the book to read and review from the author . All thoughts expressed in the review are my own and completely honest and unbiased . I hope you all are having a splendid weekend ! Today I wanted to share a quick post to let you know about some good Kindle e - book freebies that I 've come across and wanted to share with you all . I have a Kindle and ever since purchasing it , I 've been scouring Amazon for free Christian e - books , and have found a few invaluable resources that have lead me to getting 400 + free Kindle books over time - all for FREE ! ( Maybe one day I will do a post with links to the resources for my Kindle freebies . If you are interested in seeing such a post , please let me know in a comment ! ) Needless to say , I 've got a boat load of e - books on my Kindle , so many that they would all last me a couple years - and I didn 't pay a single cent for one of them ! This weekend I 've come across some wonderful freebies , and two of them had been on my wish - list for quite some time so I was delighted to load them onto my Kindle for free ! Now while I always prefer print books over e - books , I will admit there are advantages and cons to e - books . Personally I like taking my Kindle along with me on vacations so I won 't have to haul a bunch of books around and wonder if I 've brought enough and keep up with them all through hotels and touring the area . So I will have to keep these recent freebies on hand for our next road trip ! So now that I 've gone off on a rabbit trail , I 'm sure you are all curious as to which e - books are currently free on Amazon ( and possibly Barns and Noble for Nook users , though I 've not checked ) . but before sharing them with you I wanted to let you know that even if you don 't have a Kindle , there is a Kindle app that you can load onto basically any Smartphone or tablet . More info on that at the bottom of the post though . Now on to the freebies ! " Lilly Gray Corbett has just graduated from medical school and decided to accept an internship in the coal camp of Skip Rock , Kentucky . Her beau , Paul , is doing his residency in Boston and can 't understand why Lilly would choose to work in a backwater town . But having grown up in the mountains , Lilly is drawn to the stubborn , superstitious people she encounters in Skip Rock - - a town where people live hard and die harder and where women know their place . Lilly soon learns she has a lot to overcome , but after saving the life of a young miner , she begins to earn the residents ' trust . As Lilly becomes torn between joining Paul in Boston and her love for the people of Skip Rock , she crosses paths with a handsome miner - - one who seems oddly familiar . Her attraction for him grows , even as she wrestles with her feelings and wonders what he 's hiding . " I have read this book , and actually had just finished it the day before it was free on Kindle . I absolutely loved it and would highly encourage you to read it ! It reminded me a lot of Christy by Catherine Marshall and I eagerly await other opportunities to read more of Jan 's novels in the future ! " The prophet Nehemiah 's cousin can speak numerous languages , keep complex accounts , write on rolls of parchment and tablets of clay , and solve great mysteries . There is only one problem : she is a woman . In her early childhood years , Sarah experienced the death of her mother and her father 's subsequent emotional distance and she came to two conclusions : that God does not care about her , and that her accomplishments are the measure of her worth - the measure of her self . Sarah , the talented scribe and cousin to Nehemiah , is catapulted into the center of the Persian court , working too many hours , rubbing elbows with royalty , and solving intrigues for the Queen . Ironically , it isn 't failure but success that causes Sarah to lose her only source of external validation . Sarah soon learns that she has something of worth to offer beyond her ability with languages and sums - her very being proves to be a blessing to others particularly the aristocrat , Darius , she was given to in marriage . Sarah and Darius ' story continues in Harvest of Gold . Darius may be able to learn to love his wife , but can he ever learn to trust Sarah and her Lord ? " " When Miss Charlotte Wilson asks God for a husband , she decides He must want her to pursue Mr . Hamilton Beckett , the catch of the season . The only problem ? She 's never actually met Hamilton . Fortunately , one of her oldest and dearest friends , Mr . Henry St . James - who has returned to New York after a two - year absence - does know Hamilton . Much to Henry 's chagrin , Charlotte immediately ropes him into helping her meet Hamilton . However , none of her plans to catch Hamilton 's eye go as she expected , and she is even more confused when her old feelings for Henry begin to resurrect themselves . In the midst of the mayhem Charlotte always seems to cause , she wonders if the gentleman of her dreams might be an entirely different man than she thought . This novella is a companion to A Change of Fortune , Jen Turano 's full - length debut novel , available fall 2012 . " This is one of my favorite novellas and a definite re - read ! While I normally shy away from books that have a lot of feminism , I really enjoyed this novella ! ( This book is set in the time when women were trying to be allowed to vote , and while I have nothing against women voting , I don 't like the superior - to - men attitude that this time period brought . ) Normally I wouldn 't have read it , but it was a free novella that was a short story to start off Jen 's new Ladies of Distinction series . Personally I loved Henry , and he is the main reason why I enjoyed this novella so much ! Plus it 's very short and could easily be read in a day making for a nice light quick read ! So there you have it ladies ! I hope you all will take advantage of these great deals and load the books onto your Kindle ! For those of you who don 't have a Kindle , then there is a Kindle app that you get on all Smartphones as well as tablets where you can read these free e - books , so if you 'd like to read any of these books , but don 't have a Kindle then check out the app ! I believe they also have the app available for MACs too ! To visit the Amazon page that give info on all the different devices that you can get a Kindle app on click HERE ! Oh , and also remember to let me know if you 'd like to see more posts with details on Kindle Freebies ! And before I sign off , I wanted to leave a link to Bethany House 's site where they share the dates for this month 's free and discounted e - deals so you can load your Kindle with even more free books ! There were too many e - deals to actually list on this post , so go check out the website HERE ! The cottage by the sea offers Amy a refuge to mourn her brother 's death and perhaps even discover a new love . But what if Ben 's death was no accident ? Rosemary Cottage on the Outer Banks of North Carolina has been in Amy Lang 's family for generations and offers her a haven within its peaceful walls . There she hopes to discover what really happened to her brother , Ben , even as she tries to come to grips with his death in the ocean months before . She hopes the Coast Guard team will help her find closure , but they are quick to dismiss her concerns of foul play . Everyone in Hope Beach regards the suspicious e - mail she received as a vicious prank . When it seems discovering what happened to Ben will take longer than she expected , Amy moves her midwifery practice to Hope Beach . Coast Guard officer Curtis Ireland may hold the key to many of her questions , but he also hides a secret that will change her world forever . And her own secrets could tear apart the fragile love developing between them . Will Amy have the courage to put down her mask and let Curtis love her for who she is ? And can they both weather the danger that threatens to destroy the most precious thing in their lives ? Soon both Amy and Curtis find out that their siblings are not the people that they thought they were . When investigating their deaths leads to clues that compromise their memories , things get really heated . How can someone who never even met Ben and Gina think that they know them better than their own siblings ? I was really impressed with this book . I will admit that going into this book , I was a little bit reluctant because I had read one other book of Colleen Coble 's and I remember telling my friend shortly after that it was slightly lacking . But Rosemary Cottage has made me a fan . I will definitely be checking out some of Coble 's books on my next library trip . There wasn 't too much romance , which , for me is a plus . I feel that if you need to include a bunch of ooey - gooey stuff to draw in a reader than you have a problem anyways . This books was suspenseful , intriguing , sweet , and totally unexpected . You never knew what was going to happen next , and every problem had a very unique answer . I don 't want to spoil it for those of you who have yet to read this little gem , but I have to tell you how much I loved the conclusion . This book ended with some major action , and what happened was so unexpected that even Adrian Monk couldn 't have seen it coming . It was fantastic . If you are looking for something to read this weekend , this is the book you need to get your hands on . Like me , you probably won 't be able to put it down . ~ The Literary Maidens Note : I was provided with a free print copy of Rosemary Cottage through a blogger book review program . I was not paid to review Rosemary Cottage , and all thoughts expressed in this review are unbiased and completely my own . Posted by " Worlds lie between the marketplaces of India and the halls of a magnificent country estate like Highland Hall . Will Julia be able to find her place when a governess is neither upstairs family nor downstairs help ? Missionary Julia Foster loves working alongside her parents , ministering and caring for young girls in India . But when the family must return to England due to illness , she readily accepts the burden for her parents ' financial support . Taking on a job at Highland Hall as governess , she quickly finds that teaching her four privileged , ill - mannered charges at a grand estate is more challenging than expected , and she isn 't sure what to make of the estate 's preoccupied master , Sir William Ramsey . Widowed and left to care for his two young children and his deceased cousin Randolph 's two teenage girls , William is consumed with saving the estate from the financial ruin . The last thing he needs is any distraction coming from the kindhearted - yet - determined governess who seems to be quietly transforming his household with her persuasive personality , vibrant prayer life , and strong faith . While both are tending past wounds and guarding fragile secrets , Julia and William are determined to do what it takes to save their families - common ground that proves fertile for unexpected feelings . But will William choose Julia 's steadfast heart and faith over the wealth and power he needs to secure Highland Hall 's future ? " When I first requested to review The Governess of Highland Hall , I had never heard of , or read any of Carrie 's books , though I found out later that she has written several . But after looking over the synopsis I though it sounded like a nice read . When I finished reading The Governess of Highland Hall I was very pleased with the story , and though for some reason , it didn 't quite make my 4 star rating mark , I really enjoyed it ! This story has such a elegant backdrop ! It is set in the 1900 's in England on a grand estate which the owner inherited from his late cousin - and had just as quaint a story to go with it . Julia Foster has grown up with her missionary family in India serving the people there , but when her father becomes ill , they must travel back to England in hopes that it will strengthen him so they can return to India . But when his health continues to decrease , and funds are short , Julia obtains a position in a wealthy home as a governess for two young children and two older girls who are ready to make their debut in England . As the story unfolds , you meet many of the people who work and live at Highland Hall and get to know them quite well as we see their lives intertwine - especially when reading about two couples interest for each other despite the fact that one is a wealthy person living at Highland , and the other a lower class worker for Highland . But despite the difference in money , they realize that money has nothing to do with marriage - or at least it shouldn 't - and that you should rather marry for love and because it is the person God has for you . Though these two blossoming romances are just side - stories to make the main plot with Julia and Sir William run smoother , but I enjoyed getting to know the other people at Highland better , and learned a lot from their character . One of the things that I loved about this book is how from the very beginning Julia was a strong believer in Christ - probably due to the fact that she grew up with missionary parents and had several opportunities to prove her faith rather than merely claim it . Often times a story starts with a character who isn 't strong in their faith , but their faith strengthens as the story progresses . But not this one ! Julia was a very firm believer from the very first page , and it was very obvious in the way she made choices and interacted with others - which is one of the things that made me love her and consider her to be a wonderful role model . I just loved seeing how she would respond to certain situations , and often times she would respond with feminine grace that was seasoned with strong Christian character that challenged the way I respond to others and made me think . I also enjoyed how this book was a moderate romance , and while there was some romance , it wasn 't overwhelming and the romance blossomed in a very God honoring manner . The romance also proved a wonderful lesson in regard to realizing that money or class should have nothing to do with who you marry . I also loved the ending to the story and the events that lead up to it ! Some were very unexpected as well ! This book , for me was a very close 4 star book . But for some reason it didn 't quite make the mark , but was definitely above a 3 star rating , so I decided on 3 . 5 stars . I think the reason for this is because they book was a bit laid back . While there was always something going on , only rarely would it be something very exciting or life threatening , and was a more calm story to fit the time period and placing . I found it to sometimes feel a tad bit slow , but it would really depend on what your level of interest is concerning action and excitement . Overall though I found it to be a delightful read and one that I would recommend to historical fiction lovers ! California 's gold country , 1850 . A time when men sold their souls for a bag of gold and women sold their bodies for a place to sleep . Angel expects nothing from men but betrayal . Sold into prostitution as a child she survives by keeping her hatred alive . And what she hates most are the men who use her , leaving her empty and dead inside . Then she meets Michael Hosea . A man who seeks his Father 's heart in everything , Michael obeys God 's call to marry Angel and to love her unconditionally . Slowly , day by day , he defies Angel 's every bitter expectation , until despite her resistance , her frozen heart begins to thaw . But with her unexpected softening come overwhelming feelings of unworthiness and fear . And so Angel runs . Back to the darkness , away from her husband 's pursuing love , terrified of the truth she no longer can deny : Her final healing must come from the One who loves her even more than Michael does . . . the One who will never let her go . I don 't even know where to begin with this book . I loved how the plot was based on the Bible story " Hosea " , and that it showed me that there is absolutely no one beyond God 's reach . But that 's about the only thing I liked about it . This book was INTENSE . I realize the main girl was a former prostitute , but MUST you go into such vivid detail ? I had to skip several pages just to get to a part that I was comfortable reading . I figured that since this book was in the Christian / Fiction genre that it would be just as clean as the other books that I read . Wrong . There should be an age recommendation on this thing . RATED R . INAPPROPRIATE DIALOG . NOT FOR CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 18 . Any of these would have been helpful . This is the third Francine Rivers book that I have read , and you can be absolutely sure that I won 't be reading any more novels by her . Now , just because I wasn 't a fan of this book , doesn 't mean that you wouldn 't be . If you are older , maybe married with a family or something , then I think that you would find this book encouraging . It 's just not something that I personally was comfortable with . It just depends on you personal convictions . ~ The Literary Maidens " Pride goes before the fall . . . but what comes after ? Darbury , England , 1814Amelia Barrett , heiress to an ancestral estate nestled in the English moors , defies family expectations and promises to raise her dying friend 's infant baby . She 'll risk everything to keep her word - even to the point of proposing to the child 's father , Graham , a sea captain she 's never met . Tragedy strikes when the child vanishes with little more than a sketchy ransom note hinting to her whereabouts . Fear for the child 's safety drives Amelia and Graham to test the boundaries of their love for this infant . Amelia 's detailed plans would normally see her through any trial , but now , desperate and shaken , she examines her soul and must face her one weakness : pride . Graham 's strength and self - control have served him well and earned him much respect , but chasing perfection has kept him a prisoner of his own discipline . This book is officially one of my favorites . I originally heard about The Heiress Of Winterwood from a friend , and she just raved about it . I just HAD to read it , she said . So I did , and boy am I glad ! You don 't see books like this every day . Most historical fictions that I have read are all the same . The girl gets the guy , the end , finished . Sarah Ladd had a different idea ! The Heiress Of Winterwood was so suspenseful and full of action ! Just when things start to settle down for Amelia Barret , another curve ball is thrown her way . Her best friend dies ? She raises her daughter as her own . The child 's father returns from sea ? She proposes to him so that she can honor her promise and raise the child herself . They finally get all their plans in place ? Her daughter Lucy gets kidnapped ! This one is a nail biter , that 's for sure and for certain . And the ending ! Oh my gosh , the ending is phenomenal . There are so many suspects in Lucy 's kidnapping , and the criminal that Sarah developed played the perfect part . One of the many things that I loved about this book were the characters . Each one was so different and unique , and each one fit his / her role perfectly . I felt like Amelia and Captain Graham were age old friends . Every feeling , every situation , every venue was described in such vivid detail that I felt like I was walking right there beside them . I am definitely looking forward to reading more from this author . I would recommend this book to anyone over 12 or 13 . It didn 't have a single inappropriate scene , there was no foul language , and I would feel comfortable letting some of our younger readers have a go at it . The only reason I say 12 or so , is because it requires a higher reading level than most people younger than that possess . Faith . Family . Ducks - in that order . This book gives readers an up - close and personal , behind - the - scenes look at the family in the exploding A & E show - Duck Dynasty . This Louisiana bayou family operates Duck Commander , a booming family business that has made them millions . You 'll hear all about the Robertson clan from Willie and what it was like growing up in the Robertson household . You 'll sample some of Willie 's favorite family recipes from Phil , Kay , and even some of his own concoctions ; and you 'll get to know the beautiful Robertson women . You 'll hear from Korie about the joys and hardships of raising a family , running a business , and wrangling the Robertson men while staying fashionable and beautiful inside and out . Discover more about the family dynamics between brothers Willie , Jase , Jep , and parents Phil and Kay . You 'll even meet a fourth brother who isn 't in the show . The popularity of Duck Dynasty is skyrocketing , garnering a Wednesday - night top two finish in all of cable . The book releases in time for season two of the show in October 2012 . It was so great to kind of get a " behind - the - scenes " look at A & E 's hit show Duck Dynasty , in this book The Duck Commander Family written by a couple of the shows stars . My family and I will gather in the living room every Wednesday night and enjoy some very comical and inspirational redneck entertainment via Duck Dynasty . I may live in the city , but I have country roots and I live in Texas , so I can most definitely appreciate the southern hospitality and redneck ingenuity demonstrated by the people of Duck Commander . Some of the stories that Willie shared from his childhood sounded so much like the tales that my dad and uncles exchange at the Thanksgiving table that I wonder if I might be somehow related to the Robertson 's somewhere up there in the bloodline ; ) . Both Willie and Korie Robertson were very candid about where they started , and how hard it was to get there . A multi - million dollar company doesn 't just happen you know , and it was nice to see a whole different side of the reality TV show characters that I have come to love . One of the things that I loved most about this book was how Willie and Korie explained why they act the way that they do , and why their kids are the fine ladies and gentlemen that they are . I wish more parents would instill some good ol ' Christian / southern values in their children . As Scotty McCreery Says : " Nobody eats till ya say amen , and everybody knows your mom and them . " That 's the Texas ( and as far as the Robertsons are concerned , Louisiana ) way . Ever since I watched my first episode of Duck Dynasty , I fell in love with the Robertson family and their philosophy on faith , family and life . So naturally I was delighted to be able to read the book by Willie and Korie and really enjoyed getting to hear about what life was like growing up for Willie in the Robertson family before they were super wealthy due with the Duck Commander business . One of the things that stuck out to me was even though the Robertson family was considered poor before Duck Commander ( I know , it 's hard to believe ! ) , the stories that Willie tells from his childhood were a testament to the fact that just because you don 't have a lot of money doesn 't mean you can 't have a good childhood . Because honestly , money has nothing to do with the quality of life you live . If you 've seen Duck Dynasty , then you 'll be quick to note that the Robertson family has a thing for food . So it was no shock to see that they named each of the seventeen chapters after . . . . get this . . . food ! : ) Another neat aspect of this book is how you can find a recipe that goes along with the chapter 's title at the back of each chapter complete with ingredients , directions as well as a comment from Willie or Korie about where the recipe came from , or why they love making it . Some of the recipes included in this book are : Willie 's Beans & Rice In all , I loved this book , and would highly recommend it to someone looking for a humorous read that is full of wonderful quotes on family , faith and general life . If you are a Duck Dynasty fan and interested in learning about the Robertson 's life before Duck Commander , then you should totally read this book , Jack , cause it 's a fact that it 'll make you happy , happy , happy ! Okay , so enough with the puny - ness , but seriously go read it ! : ) I 'd like to sincerely thank Howard publishing for providing me with a complementary copy of The Duck Commander Family to review . I was not paid to review this book and all thoughts are my own and completely honest and unbiased . After her father 's death , Mollie Knox takes over his watchmaking company and uses her head for business to solidify the good name of the 57th Illinois Watch Company . Her future looks bright until the night her beloved city is destroyed in the legendary Great Chicago Fire . With her world crumbling around her , Molly must do whatever it takes to save her company in the aftermath of the devastating fire . Zack Kazmarek is an influential attorney with powerful ties to the political , mercantile , and ethnic roots of Chicago . His only weakness is Mollie Knox , a woman who has always been just beyond his reach . However , all bets are off after the fire destroys Chicago , and Mollie is in desperate need of assistance . Just as Zack finally begins to pursue the woman he loves , competition arises in the form of a hero from her past who can provide the help she needs to rise from the ashes . While Mollie struggles to rebuild , the two men battle for her heart . One has always loved her , but the other has the power to save her . In the race to rebuild the city , can she survive with her business and her heart intact ? My reading list has been slowly growing , and I have gotten to the point where I try not to read things that I don 't think that I will absolutely love simply because I don 't have the time to waste on 2 or 3 star books when I have a 5 star book sitting on my shelf . Which is why I went for an Elizabeth Camden title . I simply adore her ! This is third book of hers that I 've read , and can 't wait to read her other novels ! I can 't think of a more accurate title for Into The Whirlwind . I started this book at about 1 : 15 p . m this afternoon , and here I am with a finished novel and a book review at 2 : 30 p . m the same day . It was THAT good . I just couldn 't put it down ! Mollie Knox is a sensible business woman who always thinks before she acts . Everything in her life is well thought out and planned before she makes a decision . When their town burns to the ground , and their homes and businesses were lost to them , the townspeople have no choice but to rebuild and give each other a fresh start . But no matter where you are , there will always be a rotten apple in the bunch . People get desperate , they steal , they kill and then they run . Not exactly the best way to deal with instant poverty , but hey , who 's to say any of us would react differently ? There may be bad people in this world , but there is always a remnant of faithful , hard workers , and the amount of kindness and compassion demonstrated in this story can be overwhelming . I love a story with a good moral , and Into The Whirlwind certainly is that . I can 't recommend this book enough . If you can 't get your hands on Into The Whirlwind , then I encourage you to grab another novel by Camden . The Rose Of Winslow Street is one of my personal favorites . Akabe of Siphra is certain his people are insane . Why have they made him a king ? What , in the name of peacetime boredom do kings do ? Frustrated by a lengthy silence from his Creator , the Infinite , Akabe decides to prove himself as king by undertaking a monumental task , his own lifelong dream : Rebuild the Infinite 's temple in Siphra . But Akabe 's impulsive decision sweeps him into a storm of controversy . The Infinite 's enemies join forces in Siphra , and beyond , conspiring to destroy the emerging temple - and to kill their king and his mysterious new queen . This book wasn 't my favorite . It was mostly imaginary politics . There was no plot , no topics of interest , nothing . The only thing that it really had going for it was that I got a good back story on the characters . I knew exactly what each character had gone through , and I could understand their feelings as the story progressed . The king is forced to marry , asks one girl the he likes , gets turned down and ends up marrying the daughter of his enemy . Everything was based on building a temple of worship , which is all fine and dandy , until there is nothing else going on in the story . At all . Nothing was happening ! I had to force myself to read it . One other thing that I did kind of like about it though was some of the similarities between the main character King Akabe and King David of the Bible . There were little snippets where the two almost seemed like the same person . This author has great potential for future best - sellers , but she has a long way to go . Lily Lapp 's family has settled into their new home in Pennsylvania , but life still holds big changes and big steps for Lily . Good changes , like once again living close to her beloved cousin and best friend , Hannah . Bad changes , like a mean girl who plays tricks on her . And no change at all where Lily would most want one - - Aaron Yoder sits near her in school and relentlessly teases her . Surprises are in store for Lily as she learns , with Mama and Papa 's help , to manage the ups and downs of growing up Amish . The third of four charming novels that chronicle the gentle way of the Amish through the eyes of a young girl , " A Big Year for Lily " gives children ages 8 - 12 a fascinating glimpse into the life of the Amish - - and lots of fun and laughter along the way . It combines Mary Ann Kinsinger 's real - life stories of growing up Amish and the bestselling writing of Amish fiction and nonfiction author Suzanne Woods Fisher . With charming line drawings in each book , this series captures the hearts of readers young and old . What a sweet little book ! The Christian - Fiction market has been booming with Amish tales for adults , and I think it 's great that our younger readers get to partake in that a little through The Adventures Of Lily Lapp series . This is a book that I would have loved to have as a little girl . Lily is so relatable , and so sweet ! When I was her age I remember facing many of the same trials , ( though not quite in the same way , considering that I 'm not Amish ) . School - boys are pains , brothers are mischievous , friends come and go and life is unpredictable . I think I may give my copy of A Big Year For Lily to my cousin Kara , since she is about ten years old ( the same age as Lily Lapp ) , and I know that she would enjoy it . I 've outgrown this type of fiction , but I know that books like these can be beneficial to young readers . Lily 's story encourages self - control , and shows how to respond to certain situations that come to all girls in a way that shows maturity . It 's never to early to start learning how to act with grace and patience . I 've seen my friends little sisters check this book out from the library , and they keep going back for the next title in this series . Another thing that I like about A Big Year For Lily is that though it is part of a series , it can easily stand alone and be read without having to read the first two books first . Which , considering some people 's reading habits , can be either a good or a bad thing . For me it 's a good thing , because I don 't have the first two books and I don 't have the time to read them all . Overall , I really enjoyed the story of Lily Lapp , and I would recommend it to girls thirteen or younger . Note : I was provided with a free print copy of A Big Year For Lily through a blogger book review program . I was not paid to review A Big Year For Lily , and all thoughts expressed in this review are unbiased and completely my own . Posted by
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i am not interested in money . i just want to be wonderful | Tumblr JavaScript is required to view this site . Log inSign up style = " display : block ; " style = " display : none " > 1 new post style = " display : block ; " style = " display : none " > 2 new posts style = " display : block ; " style = " display : none " > 3 new posts style = " display : block ; " style = " display : none " > 4 new posts style = " display : block ; " style = " display : none " > 5 new posts style = " display : block ; " style = " display : none " > 6 new posts style = " display : block ; " style = " display : none " > 7 new posts style = " display : block ; " style = " display : none " > 8 new posts style = " display : block ; " style = " display : none " > 9 new posts < % if ( tag . unread _ count > = 10 || tag . unread _ count = = ' 10 + ' || tag . unread _ count = = ' + 10 ' ) { %> style = " display : block ; " style = " display : none " > 10 new postsi am not interested in money . i just want to be wonderful <> Most recentMost popularMost recentFilter by post typeAll postsTextPhotoQuoteLinkChatAudioVideoAskHiding adult - oriented contentShowing adult - oriented contentGrid ViewList Viewok you know that ' make the princess laugh and you can have her hand in marriage ' thing ? imagine so many come in . they try , so hard , to make her laugh . she just sits there , morose , ignoring every man who tries to coax a smile . one day she 's sitting on the balcony . she just looks so sad . of course that little thief tries to make her smile . a girl who goes through the ( semi public ) royal gardens every day to pick flowers , even though technically only the royal family is allowed to do that . she sees the princess while she 's picking them up to sell on the streets , and she 's just … so sad . this princess needs someone to cheer her up . and she tries . she 'll do silly dances when she comes in , she 'll bring up frogs from ponds and act out comedies , she 'll make flower crowns and exaggerate just how hard it is . the first few days , the princess doesn 't even look at her . then she starts noticing . this girl , trying so hard to cheer her up . she probably hasn 't even heard of the hand in marriage thing , she doesn 't know she 's trying so hard for nothing . but she does it anyway . one day , the princess starts talking to her as she does these things . " You do know that it 's useless ? " " What ? " the thief says . " No way ! I 'm going to get you to laugh ! " " The best jesters in the kingdom have tried , don 't bother , " the princess declared pessimistically , staring down at the girl . Then the thief puffs out her chest , " Of course I am ! I 'll find the best jokes , even better than the jesters have found ! I 'll … fight a fire breathing dog for them ! " There 's no laugh , but the corner of the princess 's mouth twitches . it 's sad how she thinks she can make me laugh … the girl keeps trying , for years , making more silly stories and trading flowers for jokes rather than food or money . the princess slowly realizes the girl is getting closer and clmarching into the pub and pulling out a stool . " We 're closed . " James interrupted back the finger . James laughed . Keep reading jiilys FollowUnfollowlisten buds i know this is long but word wise its only like 3 - 4k ? ? ? its just bc dialogejilyjames potterlily evanspoppypomfreybuffysummeresirius blackremus lupinpeter pettigrewbrotp : the lotcarolineswritingtagtitle from my damn mess of a brain1 , 923 notesLoading . . . Show more notesReblog Dysphoria Tips To start this post off , not all of these tips will work for everyone ! Everyone 's dysphoria is different and everyone has different things that help ! Also , I am not a doctor or anything like that ! And I am a trans guy , so that 's what this is all coming from , I can try to look up how other genders deal with dysphoria , but I think a lot of these ones will also help other genders - Showering ( I know this doesn 't help everyone ) Okay , so I know it may seem like confronting your physical form may not be the right thing to do , and it might not be , but for me taking a shower / bath really helps because I focus more on the routine and what I 'm washing than my actual body Also ! Using products that match your gender might really help ! ! I use the more " masculine " smelling products for my body and it 's super nice ^^ They also have products that are more " gender neutral " if that 's more your thing - Do something distracting that you enjoyFor example , I love going on walks , drawing , writing , and gaming and any of things things could be distractions from things that you don 't want to think about ! You of course don 't need to pick one of the things I enjoy doing , there are lots of things you could do like sports , blogging , listening to music , hanging out with your pets ( they aren 't going to judge you ! ) , etc . - Find someone who won 't judge you ! I know this might be hard for some of you , but I know that I have at least one person to talk to every time I get upset about this sort of thing ! My friends will not misgender me , and they will reassure me that I am a guy and I do pass , and all that good stuff ! If someone is hurting you and misgendering you and noften imagine Sehun being the Flirt Master who can get any girl … Originally posted by fy - sexo - exoPairing : Sehun x ReaderGenre : SmutWord count : 5543 wordsWarning : Rough line of students waiting to claim a seat , even at this unholy hour of nine pm . Keep reading prolapsingintothemaelstrom FollowUnfollowsehun scenariosehun smutexo smutexo scenariokpop smutkpop scenariosehunoh sehunexo sehunexo scenariossehun fanficsehun fanfictionoh sehun smut883 notesLoading . . . Show more notesReblog Got7 as the Mafia + How He Met You ||| Anon asked : Hi ! I really liked your mafia monsta x post and was wondering if you could do something similar for got7 and bts ? ||| BTS Monsta X ShineeJB / Im JaebumOriginally posted by jaesbumBuilt this whole gang from scratch Has this strong and scary presence around him but he 's actually an angel doesn 't like doing the dirty work himself and instead relies on his other gang members to clean up the messEven though he himself and his gang is well known around the city he prefers to stay in the shadowsHas a reputation of one of the fiercest mafia leaders And the rumors are true because no one who got on his bad side , got to live to see another dayMeeting you was a complete coincidence as you happened to work in the warehouses where his gang would make deals . You were always told finish up before 9 o ' clock in the evening because you might lose your job otherwise and you always obeyed this rule until that day . It took you longer to sort things out than usual and when you were about to leave it was almost 10 . You went out through the front exit and were caught up in the middle of two gangs . " Who the fuck is she ? " one man asked . " I 'm sorry , I didn 't see anything , I 'm not even supposed to be here , I will never tell anyone , so please - " " Shut up ! You talk to much . " Jaebum ordered . You looked at him frightened . " It would be better if we just kill her . " the other man spoke again . " No . " Jaebum said approaching you . He wrapped his arm around your shoulder . " She 's with me . " Mark TuanOriginally posted by nochuieHe 's not in the gang to do business but rather for the many opportunities to steal , especially carsIf he sets his eye on something , there is 1 - The Bee Movie ajdavinci FollowUnfollowbeebee moviebarry bee bensondank memes3 , 473 notesLoading . . . Show more notesReblog SnK - AoT New Ending Analyze ! Cause that is my favorite thing to do . But first , a little warning if you are an anime only fan ! Originally posted by ithelpstodreamMajor manga spoilers . You know what to do better than me . Scroll down , this post does not exist for you . For others , guess who screenshotted every single scene of new ending and meta all the way ? Keep reading kyojinofbraveos FollowUnfollowaot metaaot spoilerskyojinmetasnk ending 3aot ending 3aots2snk season 2ymir fritzspoilers spoilers everywherei am hypedso fuckinghypedgimme new episode alreadyaot episode 26chapter 86thus raffled the flaffle678 notesLoading . . . Show more notesReblog Secrets Requested . ( This was a little bit difficult for me … . hope it 's up to par D : ) Song or Quote : Love is unselfishly choosing for another 's highest good . Who : Peter ParkerPeter sulked behind Tony who led them to an old diner that miraculously was still standing after everything the city had been through . He was dreading what was going to be said to him once they finally sat down . Peter had messed up , bad . Tony ordered a black coffee and a cherry turnover while Peter just stuck to a chocolate milk . He didn 't even want anything but Tony insisted he get something . The silence was painful and seemed like it was never going to end . After some time of watching Tony eat his turnover , Peter finally decided to break the painful quiet . " Look , Mr . Stark , I just , I need , I want to apologize for not being on my A game tonight . " Tony chewed for a minute , staring at the teenager before swallowing and deciding to respond back . " Mind telling me why I almost got my head ripped off and your body almost getting torn in half ? This isn 't some game , kid . It 's real life and real life means real danger and real danger means broken bones and dead bodies . When I bring you along to these kinds of things , I bring you because I need you . Just because I 'm Iron - man doesn so , greyhounds ? ossibly rescue racing hounds if that specification guarantee of what your dog is going to encounter in their life . Also please note that this will be a Long Post . Originally posted by thegypsycobGeneral conditions of GreyhoundsWhatever their greyhounds than I ever did in horses . Phew , that took a while to write . If you would like to support Dr Ferox 's writing time you can via Patreon for as little as $ 1 a month ! drferox FollowUnfollowveterinarianvetblrgreyhounddog breedracing greyhoundgreyhound healthsadinasaphrite596 notesLoading . . . Show more notesReblog BEING A GENTLEMAN IS A CHOICE Being a gentleman isn 't a pompous attitude or expensive clothes . Nor is it suave talk and standing tall . It 's the best mix of your character , treating others well , and presenting yourself as a man others want to follow . This is the essence of how to be a gentleman . Chivalry isn 't deadIt may seem like it , so you 'll need to revive it . This not only applies to the lady in your life , but other people you meet as well . Going out of your way to treat people well is important . Carrying yourself in an accommodating a " serving " way is rare , valuable , and will make you stand out . Here 's what you can do : Open the door for people . Holding the door open for an old lady or a young man still makes you stand out as a gentleman . Go out of your way to be considerate of people . Talk gooderBeing a gentleman is more than cleaning up the cursing , but sounding intelligent without coming off as arrogant . We each have our own unique style and personal vernacular . But improving and expanding your vocabulary will make you into a better communicator . The ability to paint elaborate pictures in your acquaintance 's minds is a sought after trait . Find what you 're willing to die forDon 't go through life living only for today or tomorrow . Find an aim bigger than money . Seek out a purpose , and run hard after it . I find that people that I respect as gentlemen have something to live for . Improve your recognition of social cuesWhether or not you 're a social butterfly doesn 't mean you can 't improve . People that are extremely introverted sometimes need to take pause and read social cues . Am I stepping on anyones toes or making people feel left out ? Do I move from one person / group to anothgo before you 're late ! " Your grandma shouted from the front porch . You could see your father face by his the reflexion on you ? " He asked , cocking his head to the side , examining your features . " No , actually I 'm not . I 'm staying here for some that he had on his hand . " I don 't have one . " You answered , shrugging . " What ? What do you mean you don 't have a a package of chocolate bits from one of the shelves . " It 's just a colour " " Just a colour ? Whoa . You just hurt me , I hope him . " It 's hot , that 's all . Are you really following me all the way home ? " " Of course . You know , my mother always told me to quickly . You stopped in front of the gate and pointed at the house . " This is it . " You said . Even though the town is small you couldn 't help but to was now thinking about romantic interests with someone ? " You have a date ? " She asked , happily . " It 's not a date . " " Yes , yes it is . My granddaughter has a date ! You say something along the lines of " just wait , you will see " . " And you felt sad ? " You joked . " Of course . If you didn 't come that meant that I girls . At least not anymore . But you … I can 't quite put a finger on it " " What ? How do you mean that I 'm different ? " as you felt a pain in your chest . What . The . Heck . its - myhearteubts - careful FollowUnfollowbts scenariosbts jiminbts jungkookbts vbtsbts smutbts fluffbts angstjimin angstjimin fluffjimin smutbts rap monsterbts imaginesbts jinbts jhopebts sugabts aubts racer aubts imaginetaehyungpark jiminjeon jungkook452 notesLoading . . . Show more notesReblog Always Love You Peter Parker x reader Plot - gonna skip this today cause i feel like it would ruing the story if you knew what was going on so , it s a surprise Warnings - language like usual , angstA / n ok so im like super proud of this cause I 've had this idea for a really long time and i like how it turned out . Let me know what you think ! ! ! ~ ~ You sighed , leaning forward on the counter and tapping your fingers against the wood , leisurely scrolling through tumblr to pass the time at your job . You were bored out of your mind . Every Friday , you worked the night shift at the small little coffee shop you worked at . It was easy , hardly anyone came in at night , and you were allowed to drink a few coffee 's to keep your eyes open , so it wasn 't anything too bad . Plus , there was the extra cash , so . But , above all , there was one major plus in working the night shift , and that was your friendly neighborhood Spiderman . He came by to buy a coffee once , you ended up talking for hours , and it just kinda became a thing between you two . Eventually he would bring some snacks , as you often got hungry in the night , and you would sit together and drink coffee and eat snacks with him . Well , you ate , he refused to lift his mask that high , and you respected him as to not lose his trust . Of course you wondered who he was , when you first became friends it killed you ( not to mention something about his voice was so familiar ) , but you accepted his secret and let it be . To be honest , you really enjoyed his company and looked forward to these Friday nights . You didn 't know how many times you had refused to skip a week of the night shift in order to go out on a Friday with your friends . They all eventually learned to plan their nights out on Saturday . You didn 't want to ditch Spiderman , or have him worry . He had freaked out once when you were sick , thinking something had happened to you , and you thought it was really sweet . You worried about him too , a lot considering what he did . He rushed off all the time in the middle of your conversations , and most of the time you wouldn 't see him until next week . Of course you would see on the news that he was fine and had taken down the threat , and that would put you at ease until the next time it happened . It was dumb , and you knew it was , but you couldn 't help but have a little bit of a crush on him . He was sweet and kind to you , and A few months ago , the light almost silent sound of someone landing outside your stand would have scared the shit out of you , especially at this time of night . But you were more than used to it now , and smiled as you turned around and saw the mask of your favorite superhero . " Hey Spidey , " you leaned on the edge of the counter to greet him before turning to make his usual espresso , " Slow night ? " " Ya , but hey I 'm not complaining . In this business , you don 't want a busy night . " he said with a dorky giggle at the end . You had to stop yourself from swooning . God , he was just so cute ! " Can 't argue with that . " you handed him the coffee , and as usual , he tried to hand over the money but you pushed it back , " How many times do I have to tell you , Superheroes drink free . " You winked . Although you couldn 't see his face , you had a feeling he was smiling , you could tell from his voice . " Thanks ( Y / n ) . So how 's your week been ? " he asked . You went into the usual retelling of your week , as he listened intently , lifting his mask just enough to get the straw under and to his mouth . He then followed with his own stories from the week , which you often argued was the more interesting part of your conversation but he insisted he liked yours better . " But by far the worst part was when this dude tried to tase me . " he chuckled , and you too couldn 't contain your own giggles . Just imagining him swinging around trying to avoid getting tased . " Hey , it 's not funny . See , this is the kind of thanks I get for trying to protect you citizens . I was promised the pretty girls would be swooning over me , but instead all I get is laughed at . " You only laughed harder , until his words processed in your minds , " Wait , you think I 'm pretty … ? " you trailed off , your amused smile turning to a hopeful one , and you prayed he didn 't pick up on it . His whole body seemed to go rigid for a split second as he himself realized what he had said , " Uh , I um - I mean uh - " he floundered for a moment , reaching up and running tSlamming your locker shut , you dropped your head onto the cool metal , " I definitely bombed that test . " " Same . " your friend mumbled , her eyes fixated on her phone . " Seriously am I crazy or was that nothing like the study guide ? " " Both . " she winked as you began to walk towards your car . You laughed , climbing into the driver 's seat as she got into the passengers . Looking through the rearview mirror , you froze as you saw an oh so familiar car pulling up . It was Tony Starks . Or , rather , his drivers , coming by like he did every Monday to pick up Peter . You felt the air drain out of you as you saw Peter run out of the school and into the car , the tinted windows preventing you from seeing anything else . You gripped the steering wheel and tore your eyes away , looking down . It was ridiculous really . It 's been so long . Why did it still hurt so bad just seeing him ? " Hey , " you felt a comforting hand on your arm , " Does it still hurt that much ? " she asked . She was right to be surprised , it had been almost two months since you broke up with Peter , and as bad as you wanted to , you just couldn 't move on . It was like something was keeping you hung up on him . He was the first significant other you had really loved , but you never even got the chance to say it . After just over a year of being together , he began to grow distant . He would disappear , miss dates , ignore texts and calls . And the weirdest part was when he would show up with random bruises and cuts . No matter how much you begged , he wouldn 't explain . According to Aunt May , he was sneaking out at night and not coming home till the morning . Not to mention his sudden friendship with Tony Stark , which he claimed was an internship , but he never went into too much detail about it . It was all just too much . The lies and excuses drove you insane , and you eventually forced yourself to end it . He had just stared at you with huge eyes when you did it , and you knew if he had simply asked you to stay , you would have . But he didn 't ask . And you didn 't stay . " IStanding by the window of your coffee stand , you impatiently tapped a beat into the counter . Your coworker was 30 minutes late with no explanation as to why , which meant you were stuck here until her or your boss showed up , whichever happened first . It was almost 9 , and you had a crap load of homework to do , but you were stuck in the goddamn stand . You folded your arms before resting your head on them . A few minutes passed before you heard the sound of a car pulling up . When you looked up , and saw a van about twenty feet from the stand . The side door slid open . " What the hell … ? " you mumbled , standing up straight . As soon as the words left your mouth , a man jumped out and began firing at the stand with a machine gun . You shrieked , and dropped to the ground , covering your head . The firing didn 't stop , and you began to crawl towards the back door , but as you reached the door knob , it was pulled open . A man stood outside , and grabbed you , pulling you to your feet and dragging you along with him . He pushed you forward to the center of the group that had exited the van . They didn 't seem like anyone special , just a group of very scary looking people . You tripped and just barely kept your balance , looking around at the circle that had formed around you . " Well , what are you waiting for ? Call him ! " a girl spat at you . " W - what ? " you stammered , " I don 't know what your talking about please - " " Don 't play dumb with us . You dont think no one 's noticed the Spiderman coming here every week ? He obviously knows you and unless you call him here the next time he sees ya is gonna be in a body bag ! " You flinched back , tears filling your eyes , " I don 't , I don 't know who he is he just stops by to talk i really don 't - " you screamed as one of the fired into the air . " Just kill the crying bitch . Leave her as a warning - mmh ! " His mouth was suddenly covered in webs before he was kicked in the face . " Is that really how you talk to a lady ? " a familiar voice asked , standing over the guy as he webbed him up . T ~ ~ What do you think ? ? Is it good ? Let me know , i love you all ! ! mindlessly - meme FollowUnfollowPeter Parkerpeter parker x readerpeter parker imaginepeter x readerpeter imagineSpidermanSpiderman homecomingSpiderman x readerSpiderman imaginetom hollandavengersmarvel438 notesLoading . . . Show more notesReblog I am a firm believer in true love . I do believe that there is someone out there for me who will eventually sweep me off my feet and make me wonder why I ever settled for anybody else . There is a man out there for me , with whom I will celebrate countless anniversaries , Valentine 's Days and birthdays . There is a man with whom I will be able to get through any fight , distance or hardship , knowing that nothing will ever change . There is a man out there with whom I will share an unbreakable bond , held together by the deep desires of love . But not today . I don 't want someone I " won 't be able to imagine my life without . " I don 't want someone to " have my whole heart . " I don 't want someone to be " my whole world , " or " my rock , " or " my better half . " I don 't want somebody who can understand me better than I can understand myself . I want to feel whole . I want to be my own rock , my own anchor , my own soul mate . I want to understand myself better than anyone else can . I don 't want to look back and hate myself for altering my future for someone else when I know I wasn 't ready to . That 's why I don 't want to find the man I will love forever today . Or tomorrow . Or the day after that . For those who know me , you know that when I fall , I fall fast and I fall hard . I am a hopeless romantic who wears my heart on my sleeve . I simply love the idea of being in love . I can 't remember a time in my life when I didn 't have some type of interest in a guy . I love having a " texting buddy . " I love feeling desired . I have gotten hurt a few times , but I always pick myself up and try to move on . Moving on is hard for me , though , simply because I love being in love . I 've called guys my " better half " and my Ask a questionSend fan mailArchiveLikesIgnoreUnfollowFollowdata - peepr = ' { " tumblelog " : " " } ' rel = " noopener " > OfficialHere 's a blog : Here 's a blog : Edit appearanceSponsored $ UnfollowFollowUnfollowFollowdata - peepr = ' { " tumblelog " : " " } ' > data - peepr = ' { " tumblelog " : " " } ' > CancelSaveAccentBackgroundCancelDoneSend fan mailAsk a questionSend fan mailArchiveLikesStop notificationsGet notifications We 'll ding your phone whenever this Tumblr posts . ( You 'll want the app . ) ReportBlock / > Show avatar " data - value = " square " > " data - value = " circle " > ShapeShow titleFontShow descriptionReposition / > Stretch header image / > Show header imageFacebookTwitterSendSent ! This should be filtered We 'll ding your phone whenever this Tumblr posts . 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You know it 's coming . The dates are correct and the Government doesn 't like to be kept waiting . Only this year the dates have been changed to make you pay the Corporation Tax by the 1 January . That 's right , the miserable shithouses at the Inland Revenue make us poor schlubs pay large bills just when Christmas time has ended , and at a time of year that is traditionally quiet for us freelancers in the already crumbling industry of freelance news camera operators . Don 't worry though , i 'm a sensible sort who squirrels away his hard earned money for such days as these . I resisted blowing it all on a new flat screen HD , 1080i super duper tellybox , so i could watch the news now filmed by wobbly VJ 's . No . I diligently put some aside to pay the pinstriped suits of Her Majesties Inland Revenue , ( God bless ' em ) for i would not like the banks to go under , MP 's to be deprived of a good Port at Westminster , or the public sector to go without . It 's not every day that you get to witness another small part of your country 's military decline . But that is what i did yesterday as i filmed the homecoming of HMS Ark Royal , the only ship capable of carrying and launching fixed wing aircraft from the UK 's once mighty fleet . In a short sighted and swift decision the UK Government decided to scrap our only aircraft carrier due to our nations straightened circumstances . Basically we can no longer afford it . As i filmed for Channel 4 News and the ITV Networks , i couldn 't help feel a sense of sorrow for those aboard such a great warship that could have served for many more years to come . I myself served aboard HMS Ark Royal during my time in the Army and have great memories and photo 's of my time serving alongside the Royal Navy . So the day had a double meaning for me personally . I know , good looking , rugged chap wasn 't i . . . ? Those were the days though , single and travelling the world , meeting interesting new people and places . . . and nicking their country . Ah , back when the British had an empire and Britannia ruled the waves . But those days are long gone , along with my hairline , and sleek muscled , toned body . Still , at least our government hasn 't decommissioned me . . . . Yet . Standing at the Thames riverside with the Autumn sun shining is a great way to start the working day . The ripples of the Thames reflect the dappled light to the Autumn leaves and moored pleasure boats along the pathway . Together with the sound of rushing water over the nearby lock , it evokes a pleasant and idyllic scene . I soon spot the men in a boat , drifting lazily across the river , staring intently over the gentle scene . Walkers who have stopped to take in the sights and stand in the warm sun . I can see a man and a woman sitting on the grass next to the river , arm in arm , giving each other a gentle hug as they watch the passing boat in the water . . . . So you think i am trying my hand at writing a romantic novel ? Describing the scene as two lovers sit in an idyllic landscape , as i write the words to a resounding romantic crescendo ? Maybe i am here to film the beautiful surroundings for a soft news item about the pleasures of living by the river in outer London . . . ? Well , No . As the scene unfolded in front of me , i can see that the men in the boat are wearing Police and rescue services uniforms , and that the boat has a blue flashing light . They are staring into the water , not across it . The walkers taking in the sun are concerned passers by , the usual crowd who stop to see what is going on . The rushing waters of the lock contain Police divers on a search for the body of a man whose Mother and Father sit on the riverbank , arm in arm , giving each other gentle hugs , as tears stream from their faces as they wait for the inevitable , tragic outcome of the searching that is taking place directly in front of them . . . . Listening for the shout out that the Police finally have their man . So i stand there , with my camera on my tripod as i roll on yet another story that on the face of it , looks like a normal Autumn day by the river Thames . But as is all too often in the news cameraman 's life , i roll tape on another family 's tragedy , on the working lives of those who look for the dead and take notes for the coroner . I roll tape on a Mother and Fathers worst day which is taking shape not 20 yards away in front of me , and i roll tape on the grim faces of the men and women who stand and stare . . . . This , by the way , is the end of the story which started the day before . Two men , walking their dog beside the river , stopped as the dog jumped in and couldn 't get out . One man went in after the dog , but he himself soon became trapped by the swirling river currents . His friend went in after him and he too , soon got into difficulties . The bodies of both men have now been recovered , into the care of the families who now have funerals to plan . The picture below is of my business card drawer . I guess all freelancers have one , a place to put all the little fernickity pieces of contact information that people thrust at you from time to time . My drawer is now pretty much full and anyway , really important contacts are in my big book of contacts and on my computer . Triple logged and stored in case something nasty happens . So why do i tell you this ? Well lately , things have been a little slow on the freelance news cameraman work front . Broadcasters are hoarding their money for the tough times yet to come and us freelancers are the first to get it in the neck . You see , this is what the freelance camera world is all about . one bloke who knows another , who passes on the details to someone else , in order that they can work for another company . Three , sometimes four levels of contact hot swapping saw the job come my way , resulting in three or more gladly received days of work for a major outfit , on a filming job that turned out to be a pleasure to work on . So not only do i now have four more work contacts in my book , i am known to two more people in a position to hire cameramen for their services . All thanks to a mate of mine who i am normally competing with on the ground to get the best pictures for our respective news outlets . Greg Marinovich is a photographer that some of you will know , and some of you will not . If you don 't know him , you are maybe a little too young to know of his exploits in Africa and other parts of the world , resulting in a book called The Bang Bang Club , co written with fellow photographer Joao Silva . So exited was i at seeing the link , i dug out my 9 year old copy of the book and reminded myself of the journey that Greg and his fellow photographers took through the Township wars of South Africa in the early 1990 's . I remembered reading the book the first time around , so hooked into the story that i read the book in a day . Yes , it 's an old book now , read by anyone who was around at the time who had an interest in photography , news , and what it took to get the stories and the pictures out to a wider world . But that was not the story that gripped me . Anyone who has even an inkling that they would like to get into this line of work should read this book , not just for the stories of how they went about their work , but for the human misery , death and innocence lost , not only of the people of the townships of South Africa , but also the photographers themselves . This post isn 't meant to be a book review . I am many years too late . And i will not go into what happens to the members of the bang bang club , for it is a story best told by the authors , and the conclusions best left to your imaginations . But i tell you this . . . you will read a book that is both thoughtful and yet savage . It will churn you up inside and give your brain and your conscience something to think about weeks after you have read it , even now , so many years after the events themselves . Having read the quotes in the Mirror online , he says it will be the first time at a Labour Party conference as a journalist . First and foremost John Prescott is not a journalist , and nowhere near ever being one . I am appalled at the way the term journalist is bandied about as if anyone can be one all of a sudden . Especially a Political journalist , where tact , patience , in depth knowledge of the subject ( from a journalism point of view ) and hard work are the prerequisites of the trade . Interesting point here . . . Will he have spent the previous evening researching his subject or interviewee ? Will he be taking his camera crew cups of tea with sticky buns , writing down his journalistic machinations for future reference , taking notes and worrying about the edit and timings for his live slot ? Dealing with his Producer and live Director ? Or will he turn up with 10 minutes to go , grin for the camera , do the unbiased , probing interview with rapier like journalistic integrity , and then piss off , having reverted to his nobleness and hobnob with the very people he was just interviewing for the morning news ? I think i know which . . . So don 't worry all of you journalists out there who have worked hard and learned your trade from the bottom up . His Lordship has it covered . The unbiased gossip and stories from a potential future Labour Government at the Labour Party conference , are being covered by Labour Party Peer Lord John Prescott . Here 's a thought . Former London Mayor Ken Livingstone is out of work at the moment . Can he have a go on the camera ? Tony Blair as the soundman . . . ? There is evil lurking in my house . A killer so dastardly i don 't want to think about it . In the wee small hours , chaos can reign . when i sleep the sleep of a news cameraman , dribbling , farting and snoring , things tend to go awry . As i sleep , and dream cute cuddly furry animal stories , the news monkey , dressed as the grim reaper , goes on his mission . I should explain . The news monkey is , you see , my sons stuffed monkey , who sits on the couch in his bedroom , day after day , doing not a lot but watching the daily goings on in our family home . But i think differently . At night he comes to life . For I can see a glint in his eye , and a look that says . . . " I 'm gonna make you work . I 'm gonna make you get up so early you will think that you never got to sleep . . . Ha Ha Ha . . . . . . " News monkey . . . evil personified . I have a theory about this . I believe he is a news monkey , a rare sort of Jekyll and Hyde character , who stalks the land at night , in search of drunks , bad drivers , gang members and idiots . He will wait , biding his time until the drunk gets home , and decides on a bit of toast . The news monkey sings a gentle lullaby to the drunk and as a result of falling asleep , burns his house down . . . with him in it , while the news monkey slips quietly out the back door , sniggering to himself at a job well done . . . or medium to well done in this case . He is truly a bastard . The news monkey makes seemingly ordinary folk do stupid things in return for a breakfast news item . He makes tired travelling salesmen fall asleep at the wheel , whispering to them " Don 't stop at this rest area , there 's a better one with a Starbucks 30 miles on . . . " causing chaos to morning rush hour traffic following the resulting pile up . The news monkey has reportedly been seen by crazed killers creeping away from murder scenes in the dead of night , having supplied the weapon to do the dirty deed of murder , all the while whispering into the suspects ear . . . " Go on . . . Do it ! Tell ' em i gave it to you . . . . you will only get manslaughter on grounds of diminished responsibility . . . honest " Or . . . take the time he appeared on a street corner , in a hooded top , selling rat poison contaminated heroin to smack heads , who are found next morning in the local park , drowned in their own vomit , still clutching a can of super strength lager and a rolled up cigarette , and a vacant look that says . . . " I trusted that f * * king monkey " Beware , for the news monkey can turn up at any time of night , anywhere that he pleases , with a vile intent on making the morning news bulletin from your stupidity or damn bad luck . Don 't walk home drunk , for the news monkey will be driving the snow plough as you stagger across the road . He is the burglar who enters the empty school at night and lights a match , and he is the lone gunman on the grassy knoll that nobody ever saw . Evil indeed . Trust me . I 've lived with this monkey for 11 years , and he still sits there with the same look on his face . But inside i know beats the heart of a news maniac . A sadistic little monkey with evil thoughts . If you see him , lurking in the night , next to your bins in the wee small hours , there may be a chance that i will be next , lugging my camera to film your sad demise at the hands of the dreaded news monkey . Sometimes in the working day of a news cameraman , you are asked to film a story that is , well . . . Picture challenged . There is a story that needs to be told , but locations are , shall we say , dull . Today I filmed a story about power stations . Specifically , one that hasn 't been built yet . There was one next door though so I asked , can we go inside ? . . . No . Can I get closer to get a better angle ? . . . Er . . . No . Where is the new one being built ? . . . Next door . Can we go there ? . . . Oh yes , no problem . Great ! What 's going on there ? . . . Er . . . Nothing , it 's a car park right now . The buildings were grey , as were the skies , and to cap it all off , an interview with a suit . . . . In the wind , with a helicopter going round and round overhead . This was followed by a presentation for local people to attend , telling them about the future development on their doorstep . At least we could get some seething masses of indignant locals , rising up against the corporate beast . . . . The caretaker was though , so we grabbed him , thrusted the mic towards his face , pointed my lens at the bemused man and we demanded answers . He didn 't mind really . . . But would we like a cup of Tea ? As a member of the media i am met with various degrees of welcome , tea and biscuits with a chief inspector to outright hostility from other ranks . It doesn 't matter to me , for i have the sword of truth from my camera and the shield of my ACPO recognised Press Card . Or do I . . . . ? Unfortunately , this is the latest , but not an isolated incident . The merits of the above described incident i leave to your own conclusions after reading it , but it would seem that on more and more occasions , the Police seem to make the law up as they go in order to achieve their aims at a specific moment . Evidence of this is spread far and wide on the web . I forget the amount of times i have been told to stop filming or move away by Police officers for various reasons , including , but not limited to . . . . " Don 't film me mate . . . i sometimes work undercover . " This is the favourite one at the moment , Police officer in uniform , wearing day - glo jacket with Police written on the back , tells journalist that he works undercover . . . . Nice move . Legislation and law can be viewed from many differing angles , from the copper on the street making a split second decision , to the working journo , to the activist filming at a demo . Each one will have a slightly differing view on the law as it stands . But my gripe is this . . . if you are a Police officer , i TRUST you to know what you are talking about . Here is a point . . . i remember asking a Police Constable if he could tell me section 1 of the Theft Act 1968 . Basic bread and butter Policing . He couldn 't . The difference between a 9 ( 1 ) ( a ) and a 9 ( 1 ) ( b ) Burglary ? . . . . Nope , not that either . My Point ? well , before a Constable throws his or her weight around demanding this or that from the press or members of the public taking pictures in a public place , quoting sections under anti terror laws , or PACE etc , the very least they could do is get it right . First time . . . Every time . Or don 't do it at all until you know what you are doing , because from where i stand , the basics are not even being covered in the knowledge base of your average Police constable . And this needs to change . Because when I , a freelance TV Cameraman goes to work , I know what i can and can 't do under the law . Where i can go , who i can and cannot film under certain circumstances . I know my job . Inside out . And if i don 't know , i find out and learn it . Failing that , ten years service in the Royal Military Police gave me a very good grounding in Policing , and the law on what coppers can and cannot do , including the very basics . I have since kept that knowledge and furthered it in my present line of work . Basic coppering skills never leave you if you learn them correctly . Yes , after nearly fifteen years out of service i can still quote section 1 of the Theft Act 1968 because i learned that by knowing it , really knowing it , i would never be caught out . My ugly mug was recently plastered across Lenslinger . com , and in return i posted a glowing account of his work on TV News in the USA here on this very blog . I suppose however , that we cannot venture down the road of mutual back slapping without a mention of Christian Parkinson . A fellow news cameraman who lives and works in South Africa for the BBC . Reading his blog is a tour de force of newsgathering in Africa , the joys , the people and of course the tragic consequences of a continent sometimes mired in war , disease and famine . Christian has covered these events from the perspective of the man behind the lens . Capturing the very essence of Africa in good times , such as the recent football world cup , to the bad times where countries are falling apart and very nasty men with very nasty weaponry want to kill you . It 's not very often that i get written about . I get shouted at a lot , talked about behind my back sure . . . but written about ? No . Until now . It would seem that in the good ol ' US of A , there is a cameraman with every bit the same thoughts and feelings as me . Namely frustration , anger , the need of a stiff drink once in a while , and a niggly feeling that things should be just that little bit easier in our chosen job . Stewart Pittman is his name , and he travels his home range like a prowling cougar , coiled like a spring and ready to document the days news in his part of the TV world . And boy does he let us know what he thinks . As do i . . . but Stewart relates his tales with a dry wit and savage verbiage that puts into sharp focus the job of us lens luggers . It has been said that we look similar , separated at birth maybe , i can understand this . Sauve , sophisticated , Robert Redford good looks . . . and a squinty left eye . Yep , that 's us , even down to the unwillingness to get up close and personal with a razor blade . It is apparent that both of us have a very similar outlook on life , with it 's deadlines , huffy reporters , and the sad inevitability of meeting PR people with zero journalistic ability or know how . . . . . Such is life , wherever you may be rolling . So , from here in the United Kingdom , it 's toodlepip , tallyho , and mind the dog turd on the road in front of you . Paul Martin . http : / / www . media - attention . co . uk The classic cameraman pose . . . what a show off . Being a Freelance TV News Cameraman is second nature to me now . The long unsocial hours , weekends are a time i used to have off , and regular working hours seem such a long time ago . As does a regular pay packet . Having been a regular freelancer for nearly fourteen years though i have got used to it . I do remember my first day as a news cameraman . Having been hired for just one day by the regional BBC News i felt that this was my one and only chance to see if i had what it takes to do the job . To me at the time it was a big deal . A very big deal . If i messed up on the first day i knew that they wouldn 't ask me back again , so i had to get it right . That day i was paired with another , long serving , experienced cameraman . We were to follow a Tory politician as he canvassed the Hampshire town of Eastleigh during the 1997 general election . I didn 't know it then , but i do now , that it doesn 't take two cameramen to film this type of local job . One cameraman would have sufficed . I suspect now that i had been given the job as a test by the producer that hired me . It was a busy period news wise , and another freelancer on the books would have been helpful . Don 't forget that at that time , the little Z1 style of cameras didn 't exist for broadcast news , so another freelance cameraman with his own kit was a welcome addition to the newsroom call out list . The real camera work was being done by the other cameraman , and what i filmed didn 't really matter . I was tasked with filming cutaways and little sequences to fill gaps , and generally keep me out of the way . So i filmed what i thought were good sequences and cutaway shots that i thought would blend in nicely with the other cameraman 's work . I made some stupid errors that day . I was so nervous that on one occasion i forgot to press the VTR button , so some shots i thought i was getting , were not being recorded to tape . When the day was done and the rushes had been returned to the studio , i waited anxiously for the finished piece . They ended up using two cutaway shots that i had filmed , the rest was of course , the good work of the real cameraman , who eyed me suspiciously throughout the course of the day . But i had done my best . I had filmed what i thought was right , and at long last , a piece of my camerawork , however small , had been broadcast on the BBC News that very day . I was a happy man . I was even happier when , a short time later that day , the producer came over to me to ask if i was available for another days work . I spend a great deal of my time sat on my arse , waiting for something to happen . That 's just the way it is as a TV News Cameraman . My working life is one long view of various locations around the south of England . Take today for example , I arrived to cover a court case at 0900 and I am still waiting for something to happen at 1400 . Whilst my journo is in court , warm , with company , and no doubt swimming in coffee , I sit outside in the rain and wind . Waiting like a coiled spring , ready to pounce upon the subject like a ravenous mountain lion . I also have a fertile imagination . I like to watch people walk by and guess what they do , or what I think they are up to . Lawyer , shopworker , secretary , builder , or even people scuttling to their cars for an illicit encounter with their PA . But most of all I like to spot the slack jawed halfwits , walking to court for their date with the judge . You can spot them far off , badly fitting suit and trainers , baseball cap , and accompanied by a posse of sportswear clad dimwits with mungbeans for brains . I just wish that my camera eyepiece could be replaced with a 50 calibre scope with the hardware to match . I am always being asked this one particular question . Every TV News cameraman i know gets asked the same question . " How did you start in the industry ? " The start of any news cameraman 's career is as varied as a start in any media career , but times are changing rapidly in the news industry and ways in are becoming clogged with more and more people just starting out in their chosen line of work . There are of course a great many ways to become a news cameraman . The obvious choice is to study film making or photography at university or college , Media studies and TV production courses are now widely available around the country . Is that the best way to start ? . . . Maybe , maybe not . Taking three years out to study your chosen career seems a good idea , and it is . But these days there are no guarantees that a job will be waiting for you when you graduate , far from it . I have lost count of the times i have been approached by young people for jobs . People who have graduated and find themselves without work in a media industry awash with graduates . Sorry guys , but that is just the reality of the situation right now . There is of course another way . Getting a jump of three years on your university peers and going out there job hunting for work at the bottom of the industry pile . Runners , Cable basher , Courier . Get the foot in the door and work your way to the top . Good idea , commendable and shows good work ethic . But again , think about all those graduates you will be competing against for that job . It 's never going to be easy . So which route did i take ? None of the above . I knew i wanted to be a news cameraman since leaving the army at the age of 28 . I had no real qualifications to do the job , and had never used a broadcast video camera before . To cut a long story short , i had enough money to buy a new camera , lens , and microphone , and that was all . Over the next six months i taught myself through trial and error how to use the camera . I read and re read the instruction manuals and every how to book i could find . More importantly though , i watched the news . All of it . Every channel and every bulletin . I watched every report and asked myself why certain pictures made it into the report , what sequences worked , the pieces to camera by the journalists , The length of the sequences and what words were being put with the video . I took apart each piece and asked myself why that report made it onto TV . I also practiced filming shots and sequences , framing and composition of the shots , and what every little button on the camera did and what happens when you press it . After six months or so , i decided to look for freelance work . Every broadcaster i approached turned me away citing lack of knowledge , lack of a CV , and lack of experience . That was if they replied to me in the first place . Persistence is the key here . I very nearly stopped looking , thinking that my rise to the top of broadcasting was a non starter . However , following one interview with a man at the BBC regional news in Southampton , i walked away with a days freelance work . 1 days work . That was in 1997 , and i still work there today . I recently wrote an article about the rise of citizen journalists and the like . Whilst doing a little further research i came across this video which takes a look at starting up on your own . So if you have an active interest in this area of journalism take a look . . . Thinking about it , maybe this is the future of ultra local news gathering . Small , niche independent organisations going about their business supplying news , information , and gathering content where the big news broadcasters don 't touch . Local newspapers love this sort of content , and can easily outstrip the local broadcasters with a pool of citizens willing to take the risk and go it alone . Whether there is a living wage to made from this though is another matter . . . . . Life 's a bitch . I have come to this conclusion having just got around to cleaning up the shithole that passes for my office here at chez ukcameraman . Not only did i find old bits of kit that wouldn 't surprise and astound the Lumierre brothers , in amongst the fluff , wires and something that had come to life in a dark recess under the desk , i found a large pile of work diaries from the past 14 years . Wow ! ! I can hear the cries of astonishment from historians , tv producers and hollywood film makers rushing to my door demanding the film rights to this pot of fluff covered and slightly soiled tv gold . Well , no . It garnered nothing more than a raised eyebrow from me and a slight eagerness to relive days gone by . So , after finishing the office clean for this decade , i made a coffee and sat down to read about my adventurous life over the last 14 years . And that is why i came to the conclusion that life is a bitch . You see , being a TV News cameraman , and a freelance one at that , i tend to be sent to various places around the South of England where something news worthy has occurred . By news worthy , i mean death , destruction , hard luck stories , violence of one form or another . . . . and politics . As i read on , i plunged into a world that i can 't believe i live in , let alone gone out with my camera and filmed . Take for example 20th February 2004 . I filmed a story about the homeless , quick shots of a war memorial that had been vandalised and a story about a secondary school teacher being assaulted by a student . That was just one day out of the whole pile of 14 years worth of memories . It 's a wonder that i didn 't go home that night and cry myself to sleep . Here 's one : Thurs 18 May 1998 . It simply reads 1430 - 1845 hrs , BBC , Interview . Family of girl killed by drugs and misdiagnosis . Have i really been able to do this job for the past 14 years and come out the other side having met these people on what seems like a weekly , if not daily basis ? It certainly looks like it , for i have forgotten them . I cannot recall their names or see their faces or recount the story to you . That 's it . that 's all it said . No name , no how , why or sentiment . I got in the truck , drove to the scene and filmed a piece for the news that night without another thought . It 's what i always do and is what i probably always will should i be doing this for another 14 years . But having read through the diaries , I gave a passing thought to the poor souls who 's life has took a turn into the path of the blazing lights of the news truck , and consoled myself that the next job could be this . . . . . . Another quick one from the old memory banks here . I have lost count of the amount of times that i have been called a bloodsucking leech , a scumbag and various other expletives that get hurled in my general direction . At the moment , the press seem to have a social status around that of estate agents , politicians and criminals . Listen up people . I was at home in bed with the missus that night in Hampshire . And she can vouch for me . Although as she is fond of reminding me , nothing earth shattering happened that night that she can remember . There are times of course when i will point my camera at someone who did not ask for it . But most of the time they will have been someone who deserved to be exposed for their involvement in some crime or corporate goings on that need to be brought to a wider audience . Generally though , i am filming someone because we have been invited to do so , or asked to film . I don 't go chasing celebrities into underpasses looking for the up skirt shot so favoured by celebrity mags these days . No , i 'm a news cameraman . So if you see me out on the road filming , please remember this . I am not out to hunt for innocent people to feed on their life force and suck them dry of their celebrity juices . My life is not that exciting . I had quite forgotten about this . Sometimes in a cameraman 's career you get to train your lens on a special occasion . Not a worldwide story , but a small local gathering to commemorate the life of a person who at one point in their life , was a part of one of the biggest news stories of all time . Everyone reading this will have heard of the Titanic , and it 's fateful voyage across the Atlantic . It never arrived at it 's destination of course , and a great many people died as it hit an iceberg and sank . You are right in thinking that i was not around at that time , but i found myself at a small church in Hampshire to remember the life of someone who was . Her name was Millvena Dean , who died on 31 May 2009 , and she was the last living link to the Titanic . The final living link to an awful tragedy that was reported around the world , and still makes news even today . Films , Documentaries and more have been made , remade , and talked about ever since the sinking took place and is now a pivotal moment in our modern history . Millvena was a small child at the time and freely admitted that she remembered little of what happened on that night . The fate that was to befall her and her family . But over the years , as other survivors passed away , she became the last living link to the Titanic and the celebrity of sorts that went with it . But on the day that i got to hear her story was when we were to scatter her ashes in the sea at berths 43 and 44 at Southampton docks , from where she sailed aboard the Titanic . A fitting end i think . Now i have seen the films and watched many documentaries about the Titanic , but on that day , i filmed a small part of history as we said our goodbyes to the last link to a worldwide story that will , without doubt , outlive the rest of us . We used to be focussed on hard news . However , stories have now become much softer , focussed on human interest stories . Much less stuffy and much more informal . More jacket and open neck shirt than business suit and tie . ITV News has taken this much further , especially local and regional news , to the point where quite often , but not always , only human interest tabloid style stories are shown . Business stories for example are hardly ever shown . Both the BBC and ITV regions have gone down this route in an attempt to hold on to their audiences . The BBC have done a little better than ITV in market share , but overall the audiences for news programming is falling . As the number of multi channel homes sky rockets , more and more people are turning off the news because they view it as boring and not in tune with their lives of celebrity based programmes , lifestyle programmes or quick fix youtube style broadcasting . Speaking to many of the reporters i work with , you have no idea how many people out there have no idea how to pitch a story to their local press . It 's astonishing how many times we get offered a man in a suit style interview for the news . The marketing director , head of this that or the other , as if to suggest that we have a large coup in speaking to someone so important . For a mass audience sitting down to baked beans on toast , or fighting to get the kids ready for school , a man in a suit is not what they want to see . They don 't care about managing directors or project managers anymore . And they certainly don 't care for local authority cabinet members with an inflated sense of their own importance . For example , lets say a large road building scheme is underway . The audience will want to see and hear from a man in dirty overalls and a hard hat . The people actually doing the work , the ones who know what is going on and what he is talking about . The last thing they want is a man in a chain store suit with a condescending smile trotting out the official line . The people at the coal face are sometimes the most knowledgeable and eloquent speakers and the audience will want to believe them and trust them . We know that performing in front of a camera is a peculiar and sometimes nerve wracking challenge , but just because the man who digs the holes hasn 't been on a media relations course should not preclude him from taking part . Quite the opposite in my opinion . Take a quick look at the photo below . It 's an IPhone 3GS . So what i hear you ask . Well , if I wasn 't a professional cameraman , working for the broadcasters , This piece of kit is all i would need to get multimedia stories out to the world . Video , Audio , Photo and text . And a great many people are doing just that . Citizen Journalists . They are becoming more and more prevalent with the rise of online blogs , websites dedicated to niche subjects that the author cares deeply about . With the ease of modern tech advances , very little know how is needed to make your own journalistic efforts available to the whole world . With the rise of cheap , good quality cameras and mobile devices like the one above , anyone with a little journalistic ability and online know how can become a citizen journalist . Major news broadcasters have not been slow in taking advantage of this . You only have to look at any major incident to know that ordinary people can and will film and record what is going on in front of them . Nearly everyone now owns a mobile phone with video or photo capabilities , and when a major incident occurs , the floodgates to the local , national and international news rooms open . But the rise of citizen journalism doesn 't restrict itself to major incidents . You may not agree with what is being done to save the planet , or you disagree strongly with your governments political standpoint . So you blog , film and record your personal point of view and post it to the online world . Freedom of speech and democracy in action . We in the west , including us in the UK , take these freedoms for granted , but there are many people out there with no such freedoms . The only way to tell their story is to be a citizen journalist and to do it themselves . Mainly because their government has shut down , or is intimidating the local and national press . In Iran a few years back , the national elections proved to be a story of international significance , thanks in no small part to citizen journalism . Once Iranian public anger began to rise , the international press were , in effect , banned from the streets . The only real coverage of what was happening on the streets of Iran came from mobile phone footage which was broadcast around the world , much to the annoyance of the Iranian government who tried , in vain , to cut off broadband links to the outside world . Terrorist atrocities , natural disasters and underhand governments or corporate bodies can now all be relatively easily exposed by citizen journalists if they choose to do so . With the help of a small handheld device and a broadband link , stories can now be transmitted around the world with the push of a small button . . . SEND . Let me explain by saying a bit about the pressures journalists are under . From the first alarm call on a big story , it 's a straight forward race . It 's a race to be first with the news , and it 's a race to get reporters and camera crews on site while the incident is still going on , whilst there are witnesses to interview . The BBC , ITN and SKY , PA News and all the radio stations compete head on . On top of that , on a really big important story , you may have the UK bureaux of the entire international press corps to deal with . Working with the BBC , there are so many outlets on TV and radio , that you can be broadcasting incessantly . If you are first on the scene of a major story , everybody wants you . . . now . Five Live , 24 Hour News channel , Local radio , and the pre planned news bulletins . Schedules will have been dropped , and a reporter will be broadcasting pretty much continuously . Like the PR team , news outlets have well rehearsed plans which swing quickly into place on big news events . The reporter by this stage will be in concentration and on edge . He or She may be standing there with not a lot of information trying to describe the story , with people barking instructions through the earpiece . Maybe they are relaying information , giving a count to the second he has to stop talking . The pressure on the TV journalist to deliver the goods will be immense , and he is going to turn to the PR Team of the subject in hand for information that sometimes even they , are unable to give . This is where an expeienced PR Officer is worth his or her weight in gold . If they can help out with the facts , interviewees and pictures , the journalist is going to remember , and look favourably towards them in the future . The journalist wants to hear from people at the coal face , the acknowledged experts . Because that is what the audience research indicates the people who watch the news want to hear from . Not the managing director or the marketing guru . People like to see themselves responsively portrayed on television . They like to see something that enhances their self esteem and their public image . Although they might not get things right all of the time , and may not trot out the official line in quite the way the story is to be told , journalist like to hear from them , and people like them . The people involved at the grass roots level of a story are the people that the journalists , and the viewing public , want to hear from . And that is a very valuable impression to give , if you find yourself at the centre of the next media storm . Broadcasting kit is changing and getting more usable by the year . Although the BGAN units have been around for a while , it was the first time that i have used one . BBC Reporter , VJ and all round gadget hack Tim Nicholson shows us around his kit . Tweet I knew the moment I got out of bed that today was going to be one of those days . It just didn 't feel right . For a start , one of my camera batteries hadn 't charged . The irony of this didn 't hit me until I got to my first filming job of the day in Brighton , to film a piece about pre season football training and an interview with the manager . Having got myself a cup of tea , I returned to the car to find that the car battery was dead . Stone cold dead . Having broken down on location I was however , able to do my thing and film the news item I was booked to do . Or so you would have thought . Turns out that the 0930 start on Thursday morning was in fact last Thursday , and the job had been done a week ago . Booking bod had read last weeks diary page instead of this weeks page . Easy enough mistake to make I suppose , unless he thought I was a time traveller ? Anyway , all was now rectified and all I have to do now is drive home and enjoy the rest of my day . . . . . Bugger , just spilt tea down my trousers . Yep . It 's gonna be one of those days . Sometimes in this job , they ask you to do the almost impossible . And sometimes the really impossible . A couple of days ago i was asked to do two jobs in the morning , 1 at 8am and the second at 10am . The first was an easy job , film a rather large model of a dinosaur on Southsea common . . . . . . The second job was to film at the Navy Days exhibition in Portsmouth . However , the gates didn 't open untill 10am , there was no parking onsite for the press , i had to park about 1 / 2 a mile away and carry the camera and tripod etc in . Now i don 't know if you have ever been into the naval dockyard in Portsmouth , but it isn 't exactly small , so another mile or so of walking was involved to get the pictures required . Oh , and then i had to lug all the kit all the way back to the car , and get the all important tape back to the studios in Southampton for broadcast on the lunchtime bulletin at 12 . 05 . So , there you have my day on a Saturday , all tied up neatly into a small bite size bundle for you . But on the day , it was a bit of a scramble around the south coast in order to get the news on time . It 's not always this way , but today , i got a bit of a sweat on . . . . At the moment , his racing yacht is suspended about 30 feet or so off the ground in a car park in Lymington , Hampshire . But soon for Steve White , that is about to change . Steve is a solo round the world yachtsman , who spends much of his time alone at sea for months on end , battling storm force seas , and surviving with very little sleep and food . Speaking to him today whilst filming a news package about his attempt , I got the impression that he was a very driven man with a passion for his sport . He is about to sail around the world against the prevailing winds and tides in a record attempt . On his own . It was a bit strange filming on an ocean going racing yacht in the middle of a car park , but hey , us cameramen get used to this sort of thing . Sometimes in this job you do get to meet some very interesting people who are about to embark on extraordinary journeys . I wish Steve well , and good luck . I feel he is going to need it . Paul Martin http : / / www . media - attention . co . uk Posted via email from Media Attention Ltd Posted by Anyone who thinks that the life of a TV News Cameraman is one long job of filming exciting and interesting things should watch this short video . The above is sometimes true , but this is what you will be doing for most of your day . . . . . Still want the job ? Download now or watch on posterous IMG _ 0069 . MOV ( 2019 KB ) see this blog also at this address : http : / / mediaattentionltd . blogspot . com Posted via email from Media Attention Ltd Posted by The subject of food is high on the list of many a cameraman 's agenda . Oh , and a good stiff drink also . So when we find a place that makes good solid cameraman food , we tend to remember where it is . It is with pride that I announce to the world outside of Reading , Berkshire , the Pie Shop to beat all Pie shops . Sweeney & Todd . Situated at 10 Castle Street , Reading , it makes and bakes the best quality pies known to any cameraman . And trust me , I 've eaten a few pies . A Steak and Ale Pie is the food of the cameraman gods . Like this one which lasted all of three minutes . Hmmm . . . Pies . Posted via email from Media Attention Ltd Posted by Today was a good day . It started out as any other filming job , at Portslade near Brighton , where the Police were searching and digging up some poor persons garden looking for evidence of possible bodies having been buried there . Then something quite unexpected happened , the Police invited us into the dig site to film them going about their work . That 's right , you did just read that correctly . I should point out that it was not a crime scene as such , more a speculative dig to see if more investigation was required . However the press officers from West Sussex Police engaged with the press , listened to what we wanted and the results for us were great pictures and information to tell our viewers what was happening . The scene . . . . . It was a bit of a shocker I can tell you , but a bit of common sense and a desire to engage with the press , resulted in an important , sensitive story being told accurately and with the minimum off fuss from both press and Police . No speculation , no searching for pictures or getting in peoples way . The information was swift , and interviews were arranged with a senior officer who was also in attendance throughout the day . I know that it can 't be this way all of the time , time and resources just sometimes don 't allow it , but today was a day that common sense and good press relations came together , everyone did their jobs , and an accurate story was told . The press officer . . . . So for once , I doff my cap to the Police and the West Sussex press team , who made the day just that much more pleasant in the face of what could turn out to be a very unpleasant story . Paul Martin . www . media - attention . co . uk Posted via email from Media Attention Ltd Posted by This is a rant really , nothing informative or behind the scenes other than to tell you what we , as journalists and cameramen sometimes have to put up with . Today I was filming the new Health Minister , the day after an emergency budget from our new coalition government . First of all , we were given the wrong times to be there . The real timings were buried deep in the print of the press release given to our producers . Secondly , and this is the bit that irks me , is that when trying to make up for a lack of shots , the PR people who populated the general area decided that I didn 't need the particular shots I was taking and stood in front of my camera asking me if these particular shots of the minister were relevant . Listen to me good PR People , we work in pictures , not paperwork . We need sequences to make a story work , in order to tell our viewers what is going on . One shot doesn 't cut it . If I am filming something it is generally because I have been asked to do so by my reporter or I believe that the shot will work in a sequence . Please don 't tell me what I need . I already know . . . You don 't . You never do . And if I say so myself , you never will , unless you have worked in TV or broadcasting , which most of you haven 't . So please PR People , go away and get some training about what it is we do and what it is we need . And don 't stand in front of my camera telling me what you want me to film or it will result in the kind of words I gave to the PR person this morning that I won 't repeat here . Thank you in anticipation of meeting a PR Person who knows what they are doing . Paul Martin . Media Attention Ltd . www . media - attention . co . uk Posted via email from Media Attention Ltd Posted by I have been looking for quite while now for a solution to my power requirements when out and about on the road . Most of us now carry some form of mobile communications device such as mobile phones , laptops , PDA 's and suchlike . Using these constantly takes it 's toll on the old battery life and occasionally I find myself with no power and no means to get it via plugs . So today , I have invested in a solar monkey and power monkey combo , which as you can see from the pictures are capable of powering and recharging my iPad and mobile phone via the solar panel charging unit and power monkey battery unit , which is small and lightweight enough to carry in your pocket or briefcase without too much annoyance . The battery unit is capable of a full charge of a mobile device and will sit quite happily for up to a year waiting for that emergency power charge . The power monkey battery unit is pre charged either at home via plug or can be linked to the solar panel power monkey unit to charge from the sun . Free power is always a good way to start . So whilst testing the units this afternoon , I sat in the sunshine and enjoyed a cold beer while the solar panel did it 's job suppling me with free power to use and charge my tech . All in all , I think the above units are a good and safe power solution to most mobile devices and are cheap enough and small enough to carry around with you on a day to day basis . Especially if you know you have a busy day ahead on the phone or laptop in the middle of nowhere . And finally , if that is not enough to tempt you tech and gadget freaks out there then think about this . There is no better feeling than sitting in the sun drinking cold beer and cheating the electricity company out of a few pennies with free power from the sun . Paul Martin . Media Attention Ltd . www . media - attention . co . uk Posted via email from Media Attention Ltd Posted by I have had a few enquiries over the past few days about how TV Cameras film the horse racing from the track when following the horses . Not so long ago it was a cameraman sat on top of a Land Rover , hanging on for dear life while trying to keep the camera as steady as possible . Health and Safety would have a heart attack these days , so with the ever increasing speed of technical wizardry , cameras are now controlled by a camera operator sitting inside the 4x4 controlling a camera head on top of the vehicle which in turn is built into a gimbal , keeping the camera rock steady , even at high speeds on lumpy ground . Here you can see the camera head and gimbal pod built and fixed to the roof of the Land Rover . The pictures and camera head are controlled by the operator inside the vehicle and are sent by digital wireless link to a fixed point within the racing circuit or stadium . This picture shows the entire set up and vehicle in situ at the media centre behind Ascot race course , just before going out onto the race course to film an afternoons racing . The pictures are used by broadcasters from all over the world covering Royal Ascot . The camera operator and driver told me that the whole set up costs in excess of £ 300 . 000 . Which is a large amount in anyones book . So , in a nutshell , that is how it is done , for those of you that didn 't know . I hope you liked this sneaky look behind the scenes of another aspect of TV Broadcasting . Paul Martin . Media Attention Ltd . www . media - attention . co . uk Posted via email from Media Attention 's posterous Posted by This week I am filming for five days at Royal Ascot , possibly one of the biggest horse racing meetings in the UK , not counting the Grand National . This is the fifth time I have filmed here and it is always a good event to be asked to work at , especially when the weather is at it 's best and the sun is shining . Here you can see John McCrirrick , of Sky At The Races talking with a colleague live into the racing programme , and the Soundman trying in vain to turn him down a bit . A very difficult job in any circumstances . Having said that , John is one of the nicest people to work with in live broadcasting because he certainly knows his horse racing , and his unpredictability in front of camera makes for an entertaining days work . Ascot itself , since the big rebuild years ago , is a pleasure to work at . The grounds and the main stand are a stunning sight to see , and when the sun is out on Ladies day , the champers is flowing the fun starts and a good day is generally had by all . I like working here for obvious reasons and the fact that we , as the press , are very well catered for and well looked after . Below is a picture of the Media village secreted away from the main stand where all the technical bods , satellite trucks and direction for the whole five days take place . My live camera is attached by digital wireless link to a SISLink truck , where my pictures are relayed via satellite to Melbourne in Australia , as I am working all week for Sky TV Australia . I hope you liked a brief insight behind the scenes at Royal Ascot . I have taken plenty of pictures which I hope to post at another time , but for now , I have to be back at work in half an hour for day three . Take care , and bye for now . Paul Martin . Media Attention Ltd . www . media - attention . co . uk Posted via email from Media Attention 's posterous Posted by SOUNDMAN : * Taps headphones * ' One Two . . . One Two . . . OK , here we go . . . Turn over when you 're ready . . . ' Dead dog on a stick . . . . . .
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You know it 's coming . The dates are correct and the Government doesn 't like to be kept waiting . Only this year the dates have been changed to make you pay the Corporation Tax by the 1 January . That 's right , the miserable shithouses at the Inland Revenue make us poor schlubs pay large bills just when Christmas time has ended , and at a time of year that is traditionally quiet for us freelancers in the already crumbling industry of freelance news camera operators . Don 't worry though , i 'm a sensible sort who squirrels away his hard earned money for such days as these . I resisted blowing it all on a new flat screen HD , 1080i super duper tellybox , so i could watch the news now filmed by wobbly VJ 's . No . I diligently put some aside to pay the pinstriped suits of Her Majesties Inland Revenue , ( God bless ' em ) for i would not like the banks to go under , MP 's to be deprived of a good Port at Westminster , or the public sector to go without . It 's not every day that you get to witness another small part of your country 's military decline . But that is what i did yesterday as i filmed the homecoming of HMS Ark Royal , the only ship capable of carrying and launching fixed wing aircraft from the UK 's once mighty fleet . In a short sighted and swift decision the UK Government decided to scrap our only aircraft carrier due to our nations straightened circumstances . Basically we can no longer afford it . As i filmed for Channel 4 News and the ITV Networks , i couldn 't help feel a sense of sorrow for those aboard such a great warship that could have served for many more years to come . I myself served aboard HMS Ark Royal during my time in the Army and have great memories and photo 's of my time serving alongside the Royal Navy . So the day had a double meaning for me personally . I know , good looking , rugged chap wasn 't i . . . ? Those were the days though , single and travelling the world , meeting interesting new people and places . . . and nicking their country . Ah , back when the British had an empire and Britannia ruled the waves . But those days are long gone , along with my hairline , and sleek muscled , toned body . Still , at least our government hasn 't decommissioned me . . . . Yet . Standing at the Thames riverside with the Autumn sun shining is a great way to start the working day . The ripples of the Thames reflect the dappled light to the Autumn leaves and moored pleasure boats along the pathway . Together with the sound of rushing water over the nearby lock , it evokes a pleasant and idyllic scene . I soon spot the men in a boat , drifting lazily across the river , staring intently over the gentle scene . Walkers who have stopped to take in the sights and stand in the warm sun . I can see a man and a woman sitting on the grass next to the river , arm in arm , giving each other a gentle hug as they watch the passing boat in the water . . . . So you think i am trying my hand at writing a romantic novel ? Describing the scene as two lovers sit in an idyllic landscape , as i write the words to a resounding romantic crescendo ? Maybe i am here to film the beautiful surroundings for a soft news item about the pleasures of living by the river in outer London . . . ? Well , No . As the scene unfolded in front of me , i can see that the men in the boat are wearing Police and rescue services uniforms , and that the boat has a blue flashing light . They are staring into the water , not across it . The walkers taking in the sun are concerned passers by , the usual crowd who stop to see what is going on . The rushing waters of the lock contain Police divers on a search for the body of a man whose Mother and Father sit on the riverbank , arm in arm , giving each other gentle hugs , as tears stream from their faces as they wait for the inevitable , tragic outcome of the searching that is taking place directly in front of them . . . . Listening for the shout out that the Police finally have their man . So i stand there , with my camera on my tripod as i roll on yet another story that on the face of it , looks like a normal Autumn day by the river Thames . But as is all too often in the news cameraman 's life , i roll tape on another family 's tragedy , on the working lives of those who look for the dead and take notes for the coroner . I roll tape on a Mother and Fathers worst day which is taking shape not 20 yards away in front of me , and i roll tape on the grim faces of the men and women who stand and stare . . . . This , by the way , is the end of the story which started the day before . Two men , walking their dog beside the river , stopped as the dog jumped in and couldn 't get out . One man went in after the dog , but he himself soon became trapped by the swirling river currents . His friend went in after him and he too , soon got into difficulties . The bodies of both men have now been recovered , into the care of the families who now have funerals to plan . The picture below is of my business card drawer . I guess all freelancers have one , a place to put all the little fernickity pieces of contact information that people thrust at you from time to time . My drawer is now pretty much full and anyway , really important contacts are in my big book of contacts and on my computer . Triple logged and stored in case something nasty happens . So why do i tell you this ? Well lately , things have been a little slow on the freelance news cameraman work front . Broadcasters are hoarding their money for the tough times yet to come and us freelancers are the first to get it in the neck . You see , this is what the freelance camera world is all about . one bloke who knows another , who passes on the details to someone else , in order that they can work for another company . Three , sometimes four levels of contact hot swapping saw the job come my way , resulting in three or more gladly received days of work for a major outfit , on a filming job that turned out to be a pleasure to work on . So not only do i now have four more work contacts in my book , i am known to two more people in a position to hire cameramen for their services . All thanks to a mate of mine who i am normally competing with on the ground to get the best pictures for our respective news outlets . Greg Marinovich is a photographer that some of you will know , and some of you will not . If you don 't know him , you are maybe a little too young to know of his exploits in Africa and other parts of the world , resulting in a book called The Bang Bang Club , co written with fellow photographer Joao Silva . So exited was i at seeing the link , i dug out my 9 year old copy of the book and reminded myself of the journey that Greg and his fellow photographers took through the Township wars of South Africa in the early 1990 's . I remembered reading the book the first time around , so hooked into the story that i read the book in a day . Yes , it 's an old book now , read by anyone who was around at the time who had an interest in photography , news , and what it took to get the stories and the pictures out to a wider world . But that was not the story that gripped me . Anyone who has even an inkling that they would like to get into this line of work should read this book , not just for the stories of how they went about their work , but for the human misery , death and innocence lost , not only of the people of the townships of South Africa , but also the photographers themselves . This post isn 't meant to be a book review . I am many years too late . And i will not go into what happens to the members of the bang bang club , for it is a story best told by the authors , and the conclusions best left to your imaginations . But i tell you this . . . you will read a book that is both thoughtful and yet savage . It will churn you up inside and give your brain and your conscience something to think about weeks after you have read it , even now , so many years after the events themselves . Having read the quotes in the Mirror online , he says it will be the first time at a Labour Party conference as a journalist . First and foremost John Prescott is not a journalist , and nowhere near ever being one . I am appalled at the way the term journalist is bandied about as if anyone can be one all of a sudden . Especially a Political journalist , where tact , patience , in depth knowledge of the subject ( from a journalism point of view ) and hard work are the prerequisites of the trade . Interesting point here . . . Will he have spent the previous evening researching his subject or interviewee ? Will he be taking his camera crew cups of tea with sticky buns , writing down his journalistic machinations for future reference , taking notes and worrying about the edit and timings for his live slot ? Dealing with his Producer and live Director ? Or will he turn up with 10 minutes to go , grin for the camera , do the unbiased , probing interview with rapier like journalistic integrity , and then piss off , having reverted to his nobleness and hobnob with the very people he was just interviewing for the morning news ? I think i know which . . . So don 't worry all of you journalists out there who have worked hard and learned your trade from the bottom up . His Lordship has it covered . The unbiased gossip and stories from a potential future Labour Government at the Labour Party conference , are being covered by Labour Party Peer Lord John Prescott . Here 's a thought . Former London Mayor Ken Livingstone is out of work at the moment . Can he have a go on the camera ? Tony Blair as the soundman . . . ? There is evil lurking in my house . A killer so dastardly i don 't want to think about it . In the wee small hours , chaos can reign . when i sleep the sleep of a news cameraman , dribbling , farting and snoring , things tend to go awry . As i sleep , and dream cute cuddly furry animal stories , the news monkey , dressed as the grim reaper , goes on his mission . I should explain . The news monkey is , you see , my sons stuffed monkey , who sits on the couch in his bedroom , day after day , doing not a lot but watching the daily goings on in our family home . But i think differently . At night he comes to life . For I can see a glint in his eye , and a look that says . . . " I 'm gonna make you work . I 'm gonna make you get up so early you will think that you never got to sleep . . . Ha Ha Ha . . . . . . " News monkey . . . evil personified . I have a theory about this . I believe he is a news monkey , a rare sort of Jekyll and Hyde character , who stalks the land at night , in search of drunks , bad drivers , gang members and idiots . He will wait , biding his time until the drunk gets home , and decides on a bit of toast . The news monkey sings a gentle lullaby to the drunk and as a result of falling asleep , burns his house down . . . with him in it , while the news monkey slips quietly out the back door , sniggering to himself at a job well done . . . or medium to well done in this case . He is truly a bastard . The news monkey makes seemingly ordinary folk do stupid things in return for a breakfast news item . He makes tired travelling salesmen fall asleep at the wheel , whispering to them " Don 't stop at this rest area , there 's a better one with a Starbucks 30 miles on . . . " causing chaos to morning rush hour traffic following the resulting pile up . The news monkey has reportedly been seen by crazed killers creeping away from murder scenes in the dead of night , having supplied the weapon to do the dirty deed of murder , all the while whispering into the suspects ear . . . " Go on . . . Do it ! Tell ' em i gave it to you . . . . you will only get manslaughter on grounds of diminished responsibility . . . honest " Or . . . take the time he appeared on a street corner , in a hooded top , selling rat poison contaminated heroin to smack heads , who are found next morning in the local park , drowned in their own vomit , still clutching a can of super strength lager and a rolled up cigarette , and a vacant look that says . . . " I trusted that f * * king monkey " Beware , for the news monkey can turn up at any time of night , anywhere that he pleases , with a vile intent on making the morning news bulletin from your stupidity or damn bad luck . Don 't walk home drunk , for the news monkey will be driving the snow plough as you stagger across the road . He is the burglar who enters the empty school at night and lights a match , and he is the lone gunman on the grassy knoll that nobody ever saw . Evil indeed . Trust me . I 've lived with this monkey for 11 years , and he still sits there with the same look on his face . But inside i know beats the heart of a news maniac . A sadistic little monkey with evil thoughts . If you see him , lurking in the night , next to your bins in the wee small hours , there may be a chance that i will be next , lugging my camera to film your sad demise at the hands of the dreaded news monkey . Sometimes in the working day of a news cameraman , you are asked to film a story that is , well . . . Picture challenged . There is a story that needs to be told , but locations are , shall we say , dull . Today I filmed a story about power stations . Specifically , one that hasn 't been built yet . There was one next door though so I asked , can we go inside ? . . . No . Can I get closer to get a better angle ? . . . Er . . . No . Where is the new one being built ? . . . Next door . Can we go there ? . . . Oh yes , no problem . Great ! What 's going on there ? . . . Er . . . Nothing , it 's a car park right now . The buildings were grey , as were the skies , and to cap it all off , an interview with a suit . . . . In the wind , with a helicopter going round and round overhead . This was followed by a presentation for local people to attend , telling them about the future development on their doorstep . At least we could get some seething masses of indignant locals , rising up against the corporate beast . . . . The caretaker was though , so we grabbed him , thrusted the mic towards his face , pointed my lens at the bemused man and we demanded answers . He didn 't mind really . . . But would we like a cup of Tea ? As a member of the media i am met with various degrees of welcome , tea and biscuits with a chief inspector to outright hostility from other ranks . It doesn 't matter to me , for i have the sword of truth from my camera and the shield of my ACPO recognised Press Card . Or do I . . . . ? Unfortunately , this is the latest , but not an isolated incident . The merits of the above described incident i leave to your own conclusions after reading it , but it would seem that on more and more occasions , the Police seem to make the law up as they go in order to achieve their aims at a specific moment . Evidence of this is spread far and wide on the web . I forget the amount of times i have been told to stop filming or move away by Police officers for various reasons , including , but not limited to . . . . " Don 't film me mate . . . i sometimes work undercover . " This is the favourite one at the moment , Police officer in uniform , wearing day - glo jacket with Police written on the back , tells journalist that he works undercover . . . . Nice move . Legislation and law can be viewed from many differing angles , from the copper on the street making a split second decision , to the working journo , to the activist filming at a demo . Each one will have a slightly differing view on the law as it stands . But my gripe is this . . . if you are a Police officer , i TRUST you to know what you are talking about . Here is a point . . . i remember asking a Police Constable if he could tell me section 1 of the Theft Act 1968 . Basic bread and butter Policing . He couldn 't . The difference between a 9 ( 1 ) ( a ) and a 9 ( 1 ) ( b ) Burglary ? . . . . Nope , not that either . My Point ? well , before a Constable throws his or her weight around demanding this or that from the press or members of the public taking pictures in a public place , quoting sections under anti terror laws , or PACE etc , the very least they could do is get it right . First time . . . Every time . Or don 't do it at all until you know what you are doing , because from where i stand , the basics are not even being covered in the knowledge base of your average Police constable . And this needs to change . Because when I , a freelance TV Cameraman goes to work , I know what i can and can 't do under the law . Where i can go , who i can and cannot film under certain circumstances . I know my job . Inside out . And if i don 't know , i find out and learn it . Failing that , ten years service in the Royal Military Police gave me a very good grounding in Policing , and the law on what coppers can and cannot do , including the very basics . I have since kept that knowledge and furthered it in my present line of work . Basic coppering skills never leave you if you learn them correctly . Yes , after nearly fifteen years out of service i can still quote section 1 of the Theft Act 1968 because i learned that by knowing it , really knowing it , i would never be caught out . My ugly mug was recently plastered across Lenslinger . com , and in return i posted a glowing account of his work on TV News in the USA here on this very blog . I suppose however , that we cannot venture down the road of mutual back slapping without a mention of Christian Parkinson . A fellow news cameraman who lives and works in South Africa for the BBC . Reading his blog is a tour de force of newsgathering in Africa , the joys , the people and of course the tragic consequences of a continent sometimes mired in war , disease and famine . Christian has covered these events from the perspective of the man behind the lens . Capturing the very essence of Africa in good times , such as the recent football world cup , to the bad times where countries are falling apart and very nasty men with very nasty weaponry want to kill you . It 's not very often that i get written about . I get shouted at a lot , talked about behind my back sure . . . but written about ? No . Until now . It would seem that in the good ol ' US of A , there is a cameraman with every bit the same thoughts and feelings as me . Namely frustration , anger , the need of a stiff drink once in a while , and a niggly feeling that things should be just that little bit easier in our chosen job . Stewart Pittman is his name , and he travels his home range like a prowling cougar , coiled like a spring and ready to document the days news in his part of the TV world . And boy does he let us know what he thinks . As do i . . . but Stewart relates his tales with a dry wit and savage verbiage that puts into sharp focus the job of us lens luggers . It has been said that we look similar , separated at birth maybe , i can understand this . Sauve , sophisticated , Robert Redford good looks . . . and a squinty left eye . Yep , that 's us , even down to the unwillingness to get up close and personal with a razor blade . It is apparent that both of us have a very similar outlook on life , with it 's deadlines , huffy reporters , and the sad inevitability of meeting PR people with zero journalistic ability or know how . . . . . Such is life , wherever you may be rolling . So , from here in the United Kingdom , it 's toodlepip , tallyho , and mind the dog turd on the road in front of you . Paul Martin . http : / / www . media - attention . co . uk The classic cameraman pose . . . what a show off . Being a Freelance TV News Cameraman is second nature to me now . The long unsocial hours , weekends are a time i used to have off , and regular working hours seem such a long time ago . As does a regular pay packet . Having been a regular freelancer for nearly fourteen years though i have got used to it . I do remember my first day as a news cameraman . Having been hired for just one day by the regional BBC News i felt that this was my one and only chance to see if i had what it takes to do the job . To me at the time it was a big deal . A very big deal . If i messed up on the first day i knew that they wouldn 't ask me back again , so i had to get it right . That day i was paired with another , long serving , experienced cameraman . We were to follow a Tory politician as he canvassed the Hampshire town of Eastleigh during the 1997 general election . I didn 't know it then , but i do now , that it doesn 't take two cameramen to film this type of local job . One cameraman would have sufficed . I suspect now that i had been given the job as a test by the producer that hired me . It was a busy period news wise , and another freelancer on the books would have been helpful . Don 't forget that at that time , the little Z1 style of cameras didn 't exist for broadcast news , so another freelance cameraman with his own kit was a welcome addition to the newsroom call out list . The real camera work was being done by the other cameraman , and what i filmed didn 't really matter . I was tasked with filming cutaways and little sequences to fill gaps , and generally keep me out of the way . So i filmed what i thought were good sequences and cutaway shots that i thought would blend in nicely with the other cameraman 's work . I made some stupid errors that day . I was so nervous that on one occasion i forgot to press the VTR button , so some shots i thought i was getting , were not being recorded to tape . When the day was done and the rushes had been returned to the studio , i waited anxiously for the finished piece . They ended up using two cutaway shots that i had filmed , the rest was of course , the good work of the real cameraman , who eyed me suspiciously throughout the course of the day . But i had done my best . I had filmed what i thought was right , and at long last , a piece of my camerawork , however small , had been broadcast on the BBC News that very day . I was a happy man . I was even happier when , a short time later that day , the producer came over to me to ask if i was available for another days work . I spend a great deal of my time sat on my arse , waiting for something to happen . That 's just the way it is as a TV News Cameraman . My working life is one long view of various locations around the south of England . Take today for example , I arrived to cover a court case at 0900 and I am still waiting for something to happen at 1400 . Whilst my journo is in court , warm , with company , and no doubt swimming in coffee , I sit outside in the rain and wind . Waiting like a coiled spring , ready to pounce upon the subject like a ravenous mountain lion . I also have a fertile imagination . I like to watch people walk by and guess what they do , or what I think they are up to . Lawyer , shopworker , secretary , builder , or even people scuttling to their cars for an illicit encounter with their PA . But most of all I like to spot the slack jawed halfwits , walking to court for their date with the judge . You can spot them far off , badly fitting suit and trainers , baseball cap , and accompanied by a posse of sportswear clad dimwits with mungbeans for brains . I just wish that my camera eyepiece could be replaced with a 50 calibre scope with the hardware to match . I am always being asked this one particular question . Every TV News cameraman i know gets asked the same question . " How did you start in the industry ? " The start of any news cameraman 's career is as varied as a start in any media career , but times are changing rapidly in the news industry and ways in are becoming clogged with more and more people just starting out in their chosen line of work . There are of course a great many ways to become a news cameraman . The obvious choice is to study film making or photography at university or college , Media studies and TV production courses are now widely available around the country . Is that the best way to start ? . . . Maybe , maybe not . Taking three years out to study your chosen career seems a good idea , and it is . But these days there are no guarantees that a job will be waiting for you when you graduate , far from it . I have lost count of the times i have been approached by young people for jobs . People who have graduated and find themselves without work in a media industry awash with graduates . Sorry guys , but that is just the reality of the situation right now . There is of course another way . Getting a jump of three years on your university peers and going out there job hunting for work at the bottom of the industry pile . Runners , Cable basher , Courier . Get the foot in the door and work your way to the top . Good idea , commendable and shows good work ethic . But again , think about all those graduates you will be competing against for that job . It 's never going to be easy . So which route did i take ? None of the above . I knew i wanted to be a news cameraman since leaving the army at the age of 28 . I had no real qualifications to do the job , and had never used a broadcast video camera before . To cut a long story short , i had enough money to buy a new camera , lens , and microphone , and that was all . Over the next six months i taught myself through trial and error how to use the camera . I read and re read the instruction manuals and every how to book i could find . More importantly though , i watched the news . All of it . Every channel and every bulletin . I watched every report and asked myself why certain pictures made it into the report , what sequences worked , the pieces to camera by the journalists , The length of the sequences and what words were being put with the video . I took apart each piece and asked myself why that report made it onto TV . I also practiced filming shots and sequences , framing and composition of the shots , and what every little button on the camera did and what happens when you press it . After six months or so , i decided to look for freelance work . Every broadcaster i approached turned me away citing lack of knowledge , lack of a CV , and lack of experience . That was if they replied to me in the first place . Persistence is the key here . I very nearly stopped looking , thinking that my rise to the top of broadcasting was a non starter . However , following one interview with a man at the BBC regional news in Southampton , i walked away with a days freelance work . 1 days work . That was in 1997 , and i still work there today . I recently wrote an article about the rise of citizen journalists and the like . Whilst doing a little further research i came across this video which takes a look at starting up on your own . So if you have an active interest in this area of journalism take a look . . . Thinking about it , maybe this is the future of ultra local news gathering . Small , niche independent organisations going about their business supplying news , information , and gathering content where the big news broadcasters don 't touch . Local newspapers love this sort of content , and can easily outstrip the local broadcasters with a pool of citizens willing to take the risk and go it alone . Whether there is a living wage to made from this though is another matter . . . . . Life 's a bitch . I have come to this conclusion having just got around to cleaning up the shithole that passes for my office here at chez ukcameraman . Not only did i find old bits of kit that wouldn 't surprise and astound the Lumierre brothers , in amongst the fluff , wires and something that had come to life in a dark recess under the desk , i found a large pile of work diaries from the past 14 years . Wow ! ! I can hear the cries of astonishment from historians , tv producers and hollywood film makers rushing to my door demanding the film rights to this pot of fluff covered and slightly soiled tv gold . Well , no . It garnered nothing more than a raised eyebrow from me and a slight eagerness to relive days gone by . So , after finishing the office clean for this decade , i made a coffee and sat down to read about my adventurous life over the last 14 years . And that is why i came to the conclusion that life is a bitch . You see , being a TV News cameraman , and a freelance one at that , i tend to be sent to various places around the South of England where something news worthy has occurred . By news worthy , i mean death , destruction , hard luck stories , violence of one form or another . . . . and politics . As i read on , i plunged into a world that i can 't believe i live in , let alone gone out with my camera and filmed . Take for example 20th February 2004 . I filmed a story about the homeless , quick shots of a war memorial that had been vandalised and a story about a secondary school teacher being assaulted by a student . That was just one day out of the whole pile of 14 years worth of memories . It 's a wonder that i didn 't go home that night and cry myself to sleep . Here 's one : Thurs 18 May 1998 . It simply reads 1430 - 1845 hrs , BBC , Interview . Family of girl killed by drugs and misdiagnosis . Have i really been able to do this job for the past 14 years and come out the other side having met these people on what seems like a weekly , if not daily basis ? It certainly looks like it , for i have forgotten them . I cannot recall their names or see their faces or recount the story to you . That 's it . that 's all it said . No name , no how , why or sentiment . I got in the truck , drove to the scene and filmed a piece for the news that night without another thought . It 's what i always do and is what i probably always will should i be doing this for another 14 years . But having read through the diaries , I gave a passing thought to the poor souls who 's life has took a turn into the path of the blazing lights of the news truck , and consoled myself that the next job could be this . . . . . . Another quick one from the old memory banks here . I have lost count of the amount of times that i have been called a bloodsucking leech , a scumbag and various other expletives that get hurled in my general direction . At the moment , the press seem to have a social status around that of estate agents , politicians and criminals . Listen up people . I was at home in bed with the missus that night in Hampshire . And she can vouch for me . Although as she is fond of reminding me , nothing earth shattering happened that night that she can remember . There are times of course when i will point my camera at someone who did not ask for it . But most of the time they will have been someone who deserved to be exposed for their involvement in some crime or corporate goings on that need to be brought to a wider audience . Generally though , i am filming someone because we have been invited to do so , or asked to film . I don 't go chasing celebrities into underpasses looking for the up skirt shot so favoured by celebrity mags these days . No , i 'm a news cameraman . So if you see me out on the road filming , please remember this . I am not out to hunt for innocent people to feed on their life force and suck them dry of their celebrity juices . My life is not that exciting . I had quite forgotten about this . Sometimes in a cameraman 's career you get to train your lens on a special occasion . Not a worldwide story , but a small local gathering to commemorate the life of a person who at one point in their life , was a part of one of the biggest news stories of all time . Everyone reading this will have heard of the Titanic , and it 's fateful voyage across the Atlantic . It never arrived at it 's destination of course , and a great many people died as it hit an iceberg and sank . You are right in thinking that i was not around at that time , but i found myself at a small church in Hampshire to remember the life of someone who was . Her name was Millvena Dean , who died on 31 May 2009 , and she was the last living link to the Titanic . The final living link to an awful tragedy that was reported around the world , and still makes news even today . Films , Documentaries and more have been made , remade , and talked about ever since the sinking took place and is now a pivotal moment in our modern history . Millvena was a small child at the time and freely admitted that she remembered little of what happened on that night . The fate that was to befall her and her family . But over the years , as other survivors passed away , she became the last living link to the Titanic and the celebrity of sorts that went with it . But on the day that i got to hear her story was when we were to scatter her ashes in the sea at berths 43 and 44 at Southampton docks , from where she sailed aboard the Titanic . A fitting end i think . Now i have seen the films and watched many documentaries about the Titanic , but on that day , i filmed a small part of history as we said our goodbyes to the last link to a worldwide story that will , without doubt , outlive the rest of us . We used to be focussed on hard news . However , stories have now become much softer , focussed on human interest stories . Much less stuffy and much more informal . More jacket and open neck shirt than business suit and tie . ITV News has taken this much further , especially local and regional news , to the point where quite often , but not always , only human interest tabloid style stories are shown . Business stories for example are hardly ever shown . Both the BBC and ITV regions have gone down this route in an attempt to hold on to their audiences . The BBC have done a little better than ITV in market share , but overall the audiences for news programming is falling . As the number of multi channel homes sky rockets , more and more people are turning off the news because they view it as boring and not in tune with their lives of celebrity based programmes , lifestyle programmes or quick fix youtube style broadcasting . Speaking to many of the reporters i work with , you have no idea how many people out there have no idea how to pitch a story to their local press . It 's astonishing how many times we get offered a man in a suit style interview for the news . The marketing director , head of this that or the other , as if to suggest that we have a large coup in speaking to someone so important . For a mass audience sitting down to baked beans on toast , or fighting to get the kids ready for school , a man in a suit is not what they want to see . They don 't care about managing directors or project managers anymore . And they certainly don 't care for local authority cabinet members with an inflated sense of their own importance . For example , lets say a large road building scheme is underway . The audience will want to see and hear from a man in dirty overalls and a hard hat . The people actually doing the work , the ones who know what is going on and what he is talking about . The last thing they want is a man in a chain store suit with a condescending smile trotting out the official line . The people at the coal face are sometimes the most knowledgeable and eloquent speakers and the audience will want to believe them and trust them . We know that performing in front of a camera is a peculiar and sometimes nerve wracking challenge , but just because the man who digs the holes hasn 't been on a media relations course should not preclude him from taking part . Quite the opposite in my opinion . Take a quick look at the photo below . It 's an IPhone 3GS . So what i hear you ask . Well , if I wasn 't a professional cameraman , working for the broadcasters , This piece of kit is all i would need to get multimedia stories out to the world . Video , Audio , Photo and text . And a great many people are doing just that . Citizen Journalists . They are becoming more and more prevalent with the rise of online blogs , websites dedicated to niche subjects that the author cares deeply about . With the ease of modern tech advances , very little know how is needed to make your own journalistic efforts available to the whole world . With the rise of cheap , good quality cameras and mobile devices like the one above , anyone with a little journalistic ability and online know how can become a citizen journalist . Major news broadcasters have not been slow in taking advantage of this . You only have to look at any major incident to know that ordinary people can and will film and record what is going on in front of them . Nearly everyone now owns a mobile phone with video or photo capabilities , and when a major incident occurs , the floodgates to the local , national and international news rooms open . But the rise of citizen journalism doesn 't restrict itself to major incidents . You may not agree with what is being done to save the planet , or you disagree strongly with your governments political standpoint . So you blog , film and record your personal point of view and post it to the online world . Freedom of speech and democracy in action . We in the west , including us in the UK , take these freedoms for granted , but there are many people out there with no such freedoms . The only way to tell their story is to be a citizen journalist and to do it themselves . Mainly because their government has shut down , or is intimidating the local and national press . In Iran a few years back , the national elections proved to be a story of international significance , thanks in no small part to citizen journalism . Once Iranian public anger began to rise , the international press were , in effect , banned from the streets . The only real coverage of what was happening on the streets of Iran came from mobile phone footage which was broadcast around the world , much to the annoyance of the Iranian government who tried , in vain , to cut off broadband links to the outside world . Terrorist atrocities , natural disasters and underhand governments or corporate bodies can now all be relatively easily exposed by citizen journalists if they choose to do so . With the help of a small handheld device and a broadband link , stories can now be transmitted around the world with the push of a small button . . . SEND . Let me explain by saying a bit about the pressures journalists are under . From the first alarm call on a big story , it 's a straight forward race . It 's a race to be first with the news , and it 's a race to get reporters and camera crews on site while the incident is still going on , whilst there are witnesses to interview . The BBC , ITN and SKY , PA News and all the radio stations compete head on . On top of that , on a really big important story , you may have the UK bureaux of the entire international press corps to deal with . Working with the BBC , there are so many outlets on TV and radio , that you can be broadcasting incessantly . If you are first on the scene of a major story , everybody wants you . . . now . Five Live , 24 Hour News channel , Local radio , and the pre planned news bulletins . Schedules will have been dropped , and a reporter will be broadcasting pretty much continuously . Like the PR team , news outlets have well rehearsed plans which swing quickly into place on big news events . The reporter by this stage will be in concentration and on edge . He or She may be standing there with not a lot of information trying to describe the story , with people barking instructions through the earpiece . Maybe they are relaying information , giving a count to the second he has to stop talking . The pressure on the TV journalist to deliver the goods will be immense , and he is going to turn to the PR Team of the subject in hand for information that sometimes even they , are unable to give . This is where an expeienced PR Officer is worth his or her weight in gold . If they can help out with the facts , interviewees and pictures , the journalist is going to remember , and look favourably towards them in the future . The journalist wants to hear from people at the coal face , the acknowledged experts . Because that is what the audience research indicates the people who watch the news want to hear from . Not the managing director or the marketing guru . People like to see themselves responsively portrayed on television . They like to see something that enhances their self esteem and their public image . Although they might not get things right all of the time , and may not trot out the official line in quite the way the story is to be told , journalist like to hear from them , and people like them . The people involved at the grass roots level of a story are the people that the journalists , and the viewing public , want to hear from . And that is a very valuable impression to give , if you find yourself at the centre of the next media storm . Broadcasting kit is changing and getting more usable by the year . Although the BGAN units have been around for a while , it was the first time that i have used one . BBC Reporter , VJ and all round gadget hack Tim Nicholson shows us around his kit . Tweet I knew the moment I got out of bed that today was going to be one of those days . It just didn 't feel right . For a start , one of my camera batteries hadn 't charged . The irony of this didn 't hit me until I got to my first filming job of the day in Brighton , to film a piece about pre season football training and an interview with the manager . Having got myself a cup of tea , I returned to the car to find that the car battery was dead . Stone cold dead . Having broken down on location I was however , able to do my thing and film the news item I was booked to do . Or so you would have thought . Turns out that the 0930 start on Thursday morning was in fact last Thursday , and the job had been done a week ago . Booking bod had read last weeks diary page instead of this weeks page . Easy enough mistake to make I suppose , unless he thought I was a time traveller ? Anyway , all was now rectified and all I have to do now is drive home and enjoy the rest of my day . . . . . Bugger , just spilt tea down my trousers . Yep . It 's gonna be one of those days . Sometimes in this job , they ask you to do the almost impossible . And sometimes the really impossible . A couple of days ago i was asked to do two jobs in the morning , 1 at 8am and the second at 10am . The first was an easy job , film a rather large model of a dinosaur on Southsea common . . . . . . The second job was to film at the Navy Days exhibition in Portsmouth . However , the gates didn 't open untill 10am , there was no parking onsite for the press , i had to park about 1 / 2 a mile away and carry the camera and tripod etc in . Now i don 't know if you have ever been into the naval dockyard in Portsmouth , but it isn 't exactly small , so another mile or so of walking was involved to get the pictures required . Oh , and then i had to lug all the kit all the way back to the car , and get the all important tape back to the studios in Southampton for broadcast on the lunchtime bulletin at 12 . 05 . So , there you have my day on a Saturday , all tied up neatly into a small bite size bundle for you . But on the day , it was a bit of a scramble around the south coast in order to get the news on time . It 's not always this way , but today , i got a bit of a sweat on . . . . At the moment , his racing yacht is suspended about 30 feet or so off the ground in a car park in Lymington , Hampshire . But soon for Steve White , that is about to change . Steve is a solo round the world yachtsman , who spends much of his time alone at sea for months on end , battling storm force seas , and surviving with very little sleep and food . Speaking to him today whilst filming a news package about his attempt , I got the impression that he was a very driven man with a passion for his sport . He is about to sail around the world against the prevailing winds and tides in a record attempt . On his own . It was a bit strange filming on an ocean going racing yacht in the middle of a car park , but hey , us cameramen get used to this sort of thing . Sometimes in this job you do get to meet some very interesting people who are about to embark on extraordinary journeys . I wish Steve well , and good luck . I feel he is going to need it . Paul Martin http : / / www . media - attention . co . uk Posted via email from Media Attention Ltd Posted by Anyone who thinks that the life of a TV News Cameraman is one long job of filming exciting and interesting things should watch this short video . The above is sometimes true , but this is what you will be doing for most of your day . . . . . Still want the job ? Download now or watch on posterous IMG _ 0069 . MOV ( 2019 KB ) see this blog also at this address : http : / / mediaattentionltd . blogspot . com Posted via email from Media Attention Ltd Posted by The subject of food is high on the list of many a cameraman 's agenda . Oh , and a good stiff drink also . So when we find a place that makes good solid cameraman food , we tend to remember where it is . It is with pride that I announce to the world outside of Reading , Berkshire , the Pie Shop to beat all Pie shops . Sweeney & Todd . Situated at 10 Castle Street , Reading , it makes and bakes the best quality pies known to any cameraman . And trust me , I 've eaten a few pies . A Steak and Ale Pie is the food of the cameraman gods . Like this one which lasted all of three minutes . Hmmm . . . Pies . Posted via email from Media Attention Ltd Posted by Today was a good day . It started out as any other filming job , at Portslade near Brighton , where the Police were searching and digging up some poor persons garden looking for evidence of possible bodies having been buried there . Then something quite unexpected happened , the Police invited us into the dig site to film them going about their work . That 's right , you did just read that correctly . I should point out that it was not a crime scene as such , more a speculative dig to see if more investigation was required . However the press officers from West Sussex Police engaged with the press , listened to what we wanted and the results for us were great pictures and information to tell our viewers what was happening . The scene . . . . . It was a bit of a shocker I can tell you , but a bit of common sense and a desire to engage with the press , resulted in an important , sensitive story being told accurately and with the minimum off fuss from both press and Police . No speculation , no searching for pictures or getting in peoples way . The information was swift , and interviews were arranged with a senior officer who was also in attendance throughout the day . I know that it can 't be this way all of the time , time and resources just sometimes don 't allow it , but today was a day that common sense and good press relations came together , everyone did their jobs , and an accurate story was told . The press officer . . . . So for once , I doff my cap to the Police and the West Sussex press team , who made the day just that much more pleasant in the face of what could turn out to be a very unpleasant story . Paul Martin . www . media - attention . co . uk Posted via email from Media Attention Ltd Posted by This is a rant really , nothing informative or behind the scenes other than to tell you what we , as journalists and cameramen sometimes have to put up with . Today I was filming the new Health Minister , the day after an emergency budget from our new coalition government . First of all , we were given the wrong times to be there . The real timings were buried deep in the print of the press release given to our producers . Secondly , and this is the bit that irks me , is that when trying to make up for a lack of shots , the PR people who populated the general area decided that I didn 't need the particular shots I was taking and stood in front of my camera asking me if these particular shots of the minister were relevant . Listen to me good PR People , we work in pictures , not paperwork . We need sequences to make a story work , in order to tell our viewers what is going on . One shot doesn 't cut it . If I am filming something it is generally because I have been asked to do so by my reporter or I believe that the shot will work in a sequence . Please don 't tell me what I need . I already know . . . You don 't . You never do . And if I say so myself , you never will , unless you have worked in TV or broadcasting , which most of you haven 't . So please PR People , go away and get some training about what it is we do and what it is we need . And don 't stand in front of my camera telling me what you want me to film or it will result in the kind of words I gave to the PR person this morning that I won 't repeat here . Thank you in anticipation of meeting a PR Person who knows what they are doing . Paul Martin . Media Attention Ltd . www . media - attention . co . uk Posted via email from Media Attention Ltd Posted by I have been looking for quite while now for a solution to my power requirements when out and about on the road . Most of us now carry some form of mobile communications device such as mobile phones , laptops , PDA 's and suchlike . Using these constantly takes it 's toll on the old battery life and occasionally I find myself with no power and no means to get it via plugs . So today , I have invested in a solar monkey and power monkey combo , which as you can see from the pictures are capable of powering and recharging my iPad and mobile phone via the solar panel charging unit and power monkey battery unit , which is small and lightweight enough to carry in your pocket or briefcase without too much annoyance . The battery unit is capable of a full charge of a mobile device and will sit quite happily for up to a year waiting for that emergency power charge . The power monkey battery unit is pre charged either at home via plug or can be linked to the solar panel power monkey unit to charge from the sun . Free power is always a good way to start . So whilst testing the units this afternoon , I sat in the sunshine and enjoyed a cold beer while the solar panel did it 's job suppling me with free power to use and charge my tech . All in all , I think the above units are a good and safe power solution to most mobile devices and are cheap enough and small enough to carry around with you on a day to day basis . Especially if you know you have a busy day ahead on the phone or laptop in the middle of nowhere . And finally , if that is not enough to tempt you tech and gadget freaks out there then think about this . There is no better feeling than sitting in the sun drinking cold beer and cheating the electricity company out of a few pennies with free power from the sun . Paul Martin . Media Attention Ltd . www . media - attention . co . uk Posted via email from Media Attention Ltd Posted by I have had a few enquiries over the past few days about how TV Cameras film the horse racing from the track when following the horses . Not so long ago it was a cameraman sat on top of a Land Rover , hanging on for dear life while trying to keep the camera as steady as possible . Health and Safety would have a heart attack these days , so with the ever increasing speed of technical wizardry , cameras are now controlled by a camera operator sitting inside the 4x4 controlling a camera head on top of the vehicle which in turn is built into a gimbal , keeping the camera rock steady , even at high speeds on lumpy ground . Here you can see the camera head and gimbal pod built and fixed to the roof of the Land Rover . The pictures and camera head are controlled by the operator inside the vehicle and are sent by digital wireless link to a fixed point within the racing circuit or stadium . This picture shows the entire set up and vehicle in situ at the media centre behind Ascot race course , just before going out onto the race course to film an afternoons racing . The pictures are used by broadcasters from all over the world covering Royal Ascot . The camera operator and driver told me that the whole set up costs in excess of £ 300 . 000 . Which is a large amount in anyones book . So , in a nutshell , that is how it is done , for those of you that didn 't know . I hope you liked this sneaky look behind the scenes of another aspect of TV Broadcasting . Paul Martin . Media Attention Ltd . www . media - attention . co . uk Posted via email from Media Attention 's posterous Posted by This week I am filming for five days at Royal Ascot , possibly one of the biggest horse racing meetings in the UK , not counting the Grand National . This is the fifth time I have filmed here and it is always a good event to be asked to work at , especially when the weather is at it 's best and the sun is shining . Here you can see John McCrirrick , of Sky At The Races talking with a colleague live into the racing programme , and the Soundman trying in vain to turn him down a bit . A very difficult job in any circumstances . Having said that , John is one of the nicest people to work with in live broadcasting because he certainly knows his horse racing , and his unpredictability in front of camera makes for an entertaining days work . Ascot itself , since the big rebuild years ago , is a pleasure to work at . The grounds and the main stand are a stunning sight to see , and when the sun is out on Ladies day , the champers is flowing the fun starts and a good day is generally had by all . I like working here for obvious reasons and the fact that we , as the press , are very well catered for and well looked after . Below is a picture of the Media village secreted away from the main stand where all the technical bods , satellite trucks and direction for the whole five days take place . My live camera is attached by digital wireless link to a SISLink truck , where my pictures are relayed via satellite to Melbourne in Australia , as I am working all week for Sky TV Australia . I hope you liked a brief insight behind the scenes at Royal Ascot . I have taken plenty of pictures which I hope to post at another time , but for now , I have to be back at work in half an hour for day three . Take care , and bye for now . Paul Martin . Media Attention Ltd . www . media - attention . co . uk Posted via email from Media Attention 's posterous Posted by SOUNDMAN : * Taps headphones * ' One Two . . . One Two . . . OK , here we go . . . Turn over when you 're ready . . . ' Dead dog on a stick . . . . . .
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As our time here in Ireland quickly dwindles , so do our chances for cheap and fast travel around Europe . It is just so easy to get from Dublin to most places within Europe within a matter of a few hours . And with the advent of cheap - o airlines , it almost seems silly not to . So , John and I booked a weekend away in Rome . We stayed at the St . Regis again , because honestly …… it 's awesome . We usually get upgraded at Starwood properties and they did not let us down this time . We got a beautiful suite that was actually nicer and bigger than the one we had last year when we went there for my 40th . We only had two nights and mostly the plan was to just hang out , drink great wine , eat great food , and generally be great together . But we did have two items on our must - do list : 1 ) eat at Ristorante Pietro Valentini and 2 ) Go check out the Vatican . Now , if you are ever in Rome ( and I hope all of you are at least once in your life ! ) you have got to go eat at this place . It is small , family run , and seriously , crazily delicious . The couple that runs it is so sweet , they even send out Christmas cards to their past customers . She runs the front and he is the chef . Her sister also waits tables . I want you to go because it is the kind of place you want someone to recommend to you … . . off the tourist track , local , personal , amazing . And I want you to go because the owner told us how bad things had been the past six months or so . She is hoping that the summer season , with all its tourists , will pick things up . But she doesn 't know . Anyway , they are known for their truffles that they grate over your pasta ( and other dishes If you so wish ) with crazy abandon . It makes you forget yourself for a moment . But even if you don 't like truffle ( like John ) , the food is to die for . I am particularly fond of their fried zucchini flowers and John swears their caprese salad is one of the best he has had . Since he eats 2 per day whenever we are in Italy , I think he has a good base for comparison . But we ate it too fast . So here is a picture of our empty plates . But I did calm down after that and here is a picture of our mains : pasta with truffles for me and prawn risotto for John . On Saturday , I had booked a tour of the Vatican . I figured this was the way to go for fast entry ( I was right ) and for the best info on all the Vatican holds ( sort of right ) . The tour met right on time , was small in group , and whisked us right in . And the guide was very knowledgeable . But he seemed a little tired . Like , not physically , but tired of giving this same tour twice a day for several years . But that didn 't dampened how amazing the sites in the Vatican are . That being said , it got a little overwhelming . So , my recommended approach would be the same I use for the Louvre . You can 't see it all . It 'll take years . Literally . So , do some recon and pick out 4 - 5 main things or areas you really , really want to see . You can see more the next time you are there . Right ? ( Power of intention … . . you WILL be back ! ) . Half way through , John decided to bow out of the tour as we had walked several hours that morning and his hip was getting the better of him . Plus he wanted to go sit in the sun and drink wine . He slipped away . I stayed with the tour for a few more sections , including Raphael ( AWES - MAZING ! ) But then I too decided to quietly slip away from the tour . I waited until we got into a really crowded room and then I vanished . I had mentioned to the guide that John had left , so I hoped that he would just assume that I had gone to check on him . No such luck . About 20 minutes later ( and only 5 minutes into me drinking wine and sitting in the sun with John ) I got a text from the tour . They wanted to make sure we were okay , or as John said , to make sure we weren 't unhappy and going to post a bad review . I assured them that no , we were fine and just had to leave because " John has war injuries and the walking was too much " . While this is technically true , it just sounded hilariously serious and crazy in text . It made us giggle . Next , we took a walk around the whole perimeter of the Vatican , having gone the wrong way out of the museum , to get to St . Peter 's square . The tv cameras were all already set up and ready for the conclave to pick the next pope to start in a few days . It was an interesting time to be in Rome : Pope retired , a presidential election that elected no one and the current President just prosecuted for fraud ( Berlusconi ) . But the Italians seem to just get on with it . We decided to walk back across the river to a wine bar that I saw on the walk down : Sangalio ai Coronari . We got a seat outside in the warm early spring afternoon , a bottle of wine , and chilled . There was a beautiful sky . Life is good . Sunday dawned a bit rainy , but glorious by Dublin standards , so we headed out . We did some clothes shopping , as one does in Italy ! Then we wandered over to Trastevere . It little windy streets and funky shops are charming . It was fun to browse and then share a bottle of wine at an outdoor café and people watch . The corner we were of definitely saw some characters , including one guy who looked like he 'd gotten lost from the 80 's , possibly from the hairband " Nelson " ! I 'm just sorry I didn 't get a picture of him . All in all , it was another amazing visit to Rome and an amazing time to be there . The Italians just get on with it and don 't let the uncertainty of life impede their enjoyment of it . Bunga Bunga ! I am sure we will be back to Rome … . truly the Eternal City . Since we had not really spent much time in London itself the last time we took the kids to the UK ( 8 hours ? ) , I decided to do a proper London trip for Feb midterm break . Also , Sophie is in the throes of a serious Harry Potter obsession . I had heard that the Warner Bros . Harry Potter Studios tour , just outside London , was great . It 's where they filmed all the movies and they 've turned it into an " experience " . It 's not a theme park , as it is not that big and there are no rides . But it was worth checking out . Plus , I wanted to take them to a show , ride the Tube , maybe see Tower of London . For the first night we were there , I had bought tickets to the Lion King . The kids had no idea what it would be like and kept asking me if there were going to be real lions . Since I had seen it years before ( before kids ) back in L . A . I knew enough to get good seats , right on an aisle , so that when they come down the aisles from the back of the theater in the opening number we would be right there , up in the lions ' grills . The kids were blown away . And the London theater was fairly small compared to where I saw it in L . A . , so we were even closer than I had imagined . We stayed just off Piccadilly Circus , which was a big hit with the kids , day and night , and made it easier to get around . It was especially convenient to get up the second day and catch the tube to head out to Harry Potter World , as we started calling it . You have to take the tube to a certain station , where you can connect with the Midlands regional train . On the tube , we sit down and Lincoln loudly professes that he loves this train and he doesn 't want to get on the second train when the time comes . I say , " oh , so this is the best train in the world , huh ? " . " No . Because this train doesn 't have a buffet . " " No trains have buffets . " " Yep . Yes they do . " " what train ? " " The one with Daddy in Switzerland had an awesome buffet . THAT is the best train in the world . " All the people around us started cracking up . Harry Potter World was well worth a visit and even a big hit with the boys who haven 't read the books yet and only seen the first two movies . It was well organized and full of interesting movie and Harry info . Definitely a must for kids of a certain age . The next day , we hit the Tower of London . It really is impressive , with all the buildings from various ages and its proximity to the Tower Bridge ( which most people wrongly thing is the London Bridge ) . There were lots of guns and armor for the boys and the jewels were a hit with everyone . As we were passing through the umpteenth room of treasure in the crown jewels section , which has the aura of a library , John leans over and stages whispers , " think these people had enough gold ? ? " On the way home , coming up the Tube escalator , Linc didn 't get off at the top and the man behind him sort of had to push / pull him . I really fussed at him about the dangers of not walking off an escalator , especially a crowded on . Then he says , " I was STUCK ! ! " . Sophie exclaims a few minutes later , " look at Lincoln 's shoe ! " . He really was stuck : the escalator had taken in the front of his shoe and eaten it . Our final night , we bought some last minute tickets at one of those brokers around Piccadilly . Since it was Valentines , the pickings were slim . But there were tickets to Stomp . I had never seen it and I thought that the kids would really be into it . If I had thought the Lion King theater was smaller than expected , I was in for a shock when we got to Stomp . We were in the next to last row in the balcony and I still felt like we were on top of the performers . The funny thing was the kids ' reactions . It wasn 't at all what I expected . Ten minutes in , Linc layed across my lap and fell dead asleep . I mean , mouth open , circle of drool on my skirt , dead asleep . And this has got to be the world 's loudest show . Sophie was mildly interested , but nothing like how she was into Lion King . John John couldn 't sit still he was so excited and loved it so much . Every time I looked over at him , he was grinning ear to ear and drumming in the air and bobbing up and down in his seat . He LOVED it . Half an hour before the end , Linc woke up and was like , " Can we go ? Stomp is WEIRD . I do NOT like it " . The final day we only really had a half day , so we hung around the hotel and went to the pool that they had inside . On the way up , I got a text from Big John that I had been expecting : he was in the lobby . Today he was whisking John John away on his Dad - trip . Since January , he had been taking each of the older kids on a trip with him alone . Sophie was first , heading to Rome . A few weeks after , Linc went to Switzerland to learn how to ski . John John had known he was going to be next , but not when . His wish list for location had been " somewhere I 've never been before , warm , adventure , and soon ! " . So … . they were headed to EGYPT ! ! I knew John John was going to flip . I told him that we had to stop in the lobby on the way up from the pool since I needed to ask the front desk a question . He kept trying to convince me to let him go onto the room alone . Finally , he sees Daddy in the lobby and it clicks in that this just might have to do with his surprise ! The grin on his face was classic . Hard to believe it , but John and I have now been married for 11 years . I really mean it when I say that time has flown by . I don 't feel like we had our wedding yesterday . But it feels more like 2 or 3 years , not 11 . And this is all good . Time to mark the occasion and spend a little time alone , away from the kids , remembering why we are together in the first place . Since John loves Spain , but still had not been to Madrid that seemed a perfect choice . We could stay in a nice place , kid free , and enjoy " la marcha " ( nightlife ) in Madrid for a couple of days . I could even show him a few of my old haunts from a hundred years ago when I was a student there at the Universidad de Complutense . We stayed at the lovely Palace Hotel , just off of the Puerta del Sol and half a block from the statue of Neptune . The center of Madrid is always busy , but also very lovely , with tree - lined blocks and lots of green space running in the middle of many streets . Even though it was December , it had almost a fallish feel . Crisp , but sunny . We got there on Friday afternoon and after a couple of rejuvenating glasses of cava in the hotel bar , we headed out . They had recently turned on all the Christmas lights around the city center , including the huge Christmas tree in Puerta del Sol . Apparently the tree is different every year . This year it definitely wasn 't traditional , but very impression and colourful . After a brief paseo ( stroll ) and a crazy crowded dash through the Christmas Market in the Plaza Mayor , we decided to try a few tapas . It was too early to go to the cuevas just off the Plaza Mayor , so we first hit a small bar nearby . It was called __ ( here 's where I was going to insert the name , but I lost the card from the place and can 't find it ! Boo ! ! ) ____ and it had a small window next to the door , where you could see the bar man slicing up some jamon for a plate of tapas . In Spain ( like in Italy ) you need to choose whether you want table service or to just stand at the bar . It 's not a matter of a table not being available , but one of choice . At the bar is best if you plan to have a drink and a racion ( small serving ) and then move on . Table is more appropriate for a bigger meal . We had a nice glass of wine and an even better plate of jamon . We didn 't really chat to anyone , other than each other , except when I asked the older Spanish couple sitting next to us what size plate of jamon they had ordered . Then we moved on to one of my old haunts from student days . Just outside of the Plaza Mayor is a street of restaurants full of a particular type of tapas restaurant : Las Cuevas . The Caves . I guess they are called this , because they resemble caves … . stone walls , usually no windows . Each one has a specialty . One is known for its mushrooms , another jamon . But my favorite is the tortilla one . If you have never had Spanish tortilla , you are missing out ! First off , it has zero in common with the Mexican flour or corn tortilla . It 's more of a close cousin to a frittata . Olive oil , eggs , potato and fried onion . Yum ! I have made this for years for John and we 've had it in lots of restaurants across Spain and in the States . So , he was no newbie . But he had never had it here . We sat at one of the small wood tables and stools and ordered up . First bite in , I could see the look on his face … . " OH … MY … GOD … this is GOOD ! " We ate and drank and laughed and tried to figure out what made this tortilla so much better than the rest . I have my theories , which I will share separately . Maybe in another post . Towards the end of our food , a group of three Spanish girls came in and sat just next to us . They had obviously been shopping and looked like colleges students . When the waiter came over they quizzed him on the prices , then had a private convo about what they could afford , before ordering . We never talked to them , but I was feeling a STRONG pull of nostalgia just looking at them , about my days living in Madrid and being a " studentskate " as my dad would say … . the student version of cheapskate … . because funds were limited . I told John that I wanted to pay for their meal and he whole heartedly agreed . He 's the guy who carries around extra umbrellas so that he can give them away to people when it rains , so I knew he would be all about it . We walked into the next little room to explain to the staff and pay out of site from the girls . The staff was a bit mystified , until I explained that I went to school in Madrid , a hundred years ago , and knew what it was like to be a budget - I did get to hit the Thyssen on the Sunday . I remembered this being one of my favs , housed in a restored villa of multiple floors . I also remembered that the art goes from oldest to newest , starting at the top floor and that I used to skip down the lower floors . The interesting thing this time was that I spent the bulk of my time on the older art this time , especially some of the religious art that would normally bore me . And it was fascinating ! I guess things do change with age . Definitely your perspective . You have more of it . And if you are lucky , your budget . Same thing applies there . The final part of our trip I wanted to highlight was my search for paella . Not just any paella … . . but really , really good paella . An internet trawl had led me to www . thetongisneverwrong . com and their entry about paella . So , we tried 54 Boulevard . Excellent . Definitely local . And the whole meal from good from starter to postre . On our last day , we ended up at La Barraca . A place that is famous for its paella ( and high prices ) that many people call the best in Madrid . Now that I have been to both I will say I think that the paella at 54 Boulevard is better . But La Barraca was also excellent . So it really boils down to budget and what kind of atmosphere you want . Boulevard is family , local , casual , and relaxed . La Barraca seems family - friendly also . More fine - dining in experience and décor . A little serious . But I would take paella from either one , any day ! Please ! Madrid , me mata . ( And apparently , it is MORE Christmas than you , so there . - see below )
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To the world his death is the loss of a leader . Someone that remembered and lived for the people . Someone who fought for the rights of everyone no matter who or what they were . Someone who stood for peace first but with an iron fist and voice when needed . Someone who knew that to lead was to take a journey no one else was brave enough to take . To the world his death is the loss of a friend . Someone who loved all people big and small , rich and poor . Someone who cared for everyone no matter who or what they were . Someone who knew that his love came with both a warm embrace and a stern word when we lost our direction . Someone who led from the front and guided us on the journeys we had to take but were too scared to take . To the world his death is the loss of an inspiration . Someone who showed us how to love every single person in this world even those who don 't deserve it . Someone who taught us how to care for every single soul whether they needed it or not . Someone who inspired us to fight for peace when love couldn 't get us there . Someone who made us brave enough to take those journeys we were too afraid to face on our own . To the world his death is the loss of an idea . Someone that stood for everything that is good in this world . Someone that stood up for those who couldn 't stand up for themselves . Someone who refused to be quiet when he saw a wrong . Someone who knew to be a man was to stand for something good . Someone who stood up and protected us against the nightmares of this world . Someone who made us want to be better than what we really were . Someone who comforted us even when his own pain was too much . To the world his death is the loss of Mandela . Bigger than anything else that walked this earth . A giant amongst men . A giant amongst all people . The giant who carried us on his back when the road was too tough . The mother who carried us in his arms when we needed just a little comfort and love . Mandela . King of kings . God amongst gods . Nelson Mandela . To us South Africans he is Madiba . Our father . Our soul . Our Ubuntu . We are because he was . No , because he is . Our daily inspiration . Our voice of conscious . Our everything . Our South Africa . We walk in his shadow . We strive to be the people and nation he saw . We try to love the way he loved all of us . We try to be a little bit of him . To me he is Tata . Father . Dad . Papa . Respect , honor , love , duty , responsibility and everything I have been taught about being me . The man I want to be is a reflection of him . Who I am to become . He is me and I am him . Because of Tata I am . Goodbye Tata . Stay warm , Tata . Stay with us just a little longer . Just a little longer until we are brave enough . I love you . I miss you . My Tata . Posted by Henk Campher under conflict , culture , globalization , hate , homeless , hope , life , live , people , poverty , protesters , protesting , recession , responsibility , riots , society , ubuntu | Tags : community , life , living , London , protesting , riots | [ 6 ] Comments We expect riots to happen in places like Egypt , Libya and Bahrain . Places where people are oppressed in one way or another . Places we see each day on our television and in our newspapers . We follow the stories of those unhappy people on Twitter and social media . It 's them . It 's not us . Good for them to stand up and fight for a better life . What do they riot for ? What do they fight for ? A television set and a laptop ? A few beers and a packet of crisps ? Is that what liberation of the West means ? Material stuff for a material society ? But it 's not what they do and what they steal and what they burn that makes me worry . The riots are despicable . It 's wrong . It 's meaningless . It 's violence . It 's opportunistic . But it is no more despicable than the rioters burning the houses and businesses of the innocent in those far - off " exotic " places . They are in essence the same people doing these horrid acts for the same reasons . They are fed by media who are meaningless . Television of nothing . They are told to stare at the television and absorb all this great information . Information of what ? Controlled news . The voices they hear are those of posh people who have what they want . A life . But stare into the idiot box and eventually you find nothing in there . Just empty promises and posh voices . No life . No future . Just an idiot box to make more idiots . They are being fed lies about a better life . Watch some reality show and maybe your dream can come true . Maybe you can be somebody too . Maybe that is your way out if the lotto doesn 't do it for you . A quick fix . But the reality of these people is no better future . They are told to follow the stories of those who came from their backgrounds and who made it into this world of those who have . But eventually they see that those are the exceptions to the rule . The majority stay behind with no life . And maybe even a life cut shorter . They don 't make the news . They are just those who live on the other side of the railroad track . The people without a life . Another life lost won 't mean much . It doesn 't make for good reality television . They are told to own the latest music system . The latest tablet . The latest sneakers . The latest hip product . Buy it and you will become one of us . And they buy . And buy . They cut corners and steal money to make that dream come alive . And then they get the product and nothing happens . They still live in those same streets . They still live those same lives . Just with cooler products . And then the money runs out and something new comes along . And they are back to where they belong . With no life and just the need for the latest gadget or hip product . They are told that there are people who really care . Who cares about them and their future . That they will make a difference . They will be the difference . But the difference is really aimed at them . It 's aimed at the middle class to keep them happy . The real majority isn 't in the number of people but in the numbers in money . They are told that companies care about them . They can see it in the charity handed out daily . But none of this makes them become one of them . They don 't hire them . They don 't vote for them . They just promise the world and then turn their backs . The only change is that they are told that they are the problem . That they are lazy . That they are uneducated . That they fail to deliver on the promise of this great society . A society they were never invited to . A party for the invited only . They chat and they talk and they tweet . They like and they poke and they link . They are the heart of social media . They become part of the social movement . They connect with people from all over . They are the social movement in social media . But then they open their eyes and see that it 's still the same . The people following them are still those who sell them promises and the latest hip products . The social media turns into media . The social media become a me - me - me want more - more - more media . The social part of media breaks down like the social fabric of their lives . How can we be surprised at the riots ? It 's happening around us daily . In little ways . The kid get abused . The kid getting hooked on drugs . The homeless guy down the road . The unclaimed victim of a shooting . The drugs on our streets . These are all little riots happening daily . The sad truth is that when people feel powerless they do stupid things because they see no alternative . They direct their anger at the wrong people . Not because they want to but because they know no better . No one has told them how to raise their voices . The only people telling them what to do are those same people who use them and abuse them daily . But they are not the answer . All I know is that middle class people don 't riot . They have too much to lose . No revolution or riot happens from those who have something . We live in a world where the gap between those who have and those who don 't is increasing every single day . Those who have lost little during the recession . Or at least they see some hope and a way out . Those who were on the outside to start off with knows that getting in just got even harder . The world is burning . They don 't care about tomorrow anymore . They care about today . The system is broken and no one knows how to fix it . It needs too much to fix it . We need people to buy less stuff . We need people to hire more people . We need people to live with each other and not just amongst each other . We need people to be a community . We need businesses driven by social profit . We need those who have to share in their responsibility as members of our society . We need them to embrace their role and not judge their worth on how much they own or their margins alone . We don 't need to fix the system - we need a new system . I don 't think we will get there . I just don 't think we have it in us to build anything new anymore . Those who have don 't want to change because they are sucked into a world where they have too much to lose . We 've been invaded by laziness . We 've been sucked into a world that we created - flashy cars , latest gadgets , better holidays . These things make us dependent on them and we can 't get rid of the drug called " living the life " . They don 't know that we can lose it all in a flash . They don 't know that they are Mubarak but living in a world of fake freedom and liberty . It 's a fragile house we built around ourselves and we just don 't see it coming . Or we don 't want to see it coming . We won 't get there . We 'll chip away and try to make it a better place by doing our little bits . And we 'll do it in the system we live in . It 's not the answer but we know no better . That 's what I 'll do . Keep chipping away at trying to make our broken system a little bit better . Last a little bit longer . It 's not the answer but I have nothing else as an answer . It 's the best I can do with what I know and where I am . In the meantime they riot because they know no better . They riot because they have not answer . They riot because they know no alternative . They riot because they don 't know what else to do . They will riot because that 's all the system knows . Posted by Henk Campher under 2008 , abuse , America , angel , child , children , culture , daughters , family , freedom , friends , girl , girls , happiness , hope , house , I am because you are , kids , life , live , love , mom , mother , parents , people , personal , rights , school , schools , searches , USA , woman , women | Tags : daughter , family , girl , hug , kiss , life , love , mother , parents | [ 13 ] Comments I know , most people have read this one already . And you know me and my girls … They are my life . But they also remind me of The Little Girl In The Blue House … Is there someone missing her ? Someone talking to her each day ? Is she waiting for someone ? Is she okay ? I always walk the same way to the train station . I take the shortest route . I have too . Way too early to walk one meter further than I have to . Or one minute longer than what is needed . There is another route . Slightly longer . But all the time in the world if it is so bloody early in the morning . My normal route is an easy walk . Turn right , then a quick left and straight down to the station . A quick and easy 20 minute stroll . And who said I don 't get enough exercise … But today I had to go the slightly longer route . Turn left , turn right and down the slightly longer walk to the station . Not by much . Just about 5 minutes added . But sometimes the longer route brings more than just a longer walk . And this morning I got more than I wanted . Another reason why I never like walking that route . A reminder . A memory . My oldest daughter always does the " left turn " walk . Her friend from across the street walks with her to the bus stop . They pick up another friend along the way and off they go . But not this morning . The girl from across the road didn 't feel too well so she couldn 't walk with my daughter . Dad duties called . I am the backup . So off we went . On our left turn . We were joking as we walked . Doing our " home boy " walk down the street . Me doing funny walks and funny voices to show her how I was going to embarrass her in front of her friend who has never met me . Doing my typical dad stuff . We got to the house . I gave her a hug and a kiss and watched her walk to meet her friend . And off I went . Taking my right turn down the road . The slightly longer road . I put my iPod on and was listening to A Fine Frenzy when I walked past the blue house . And it brought back memories of the little girl who lived there . The little girl in the blue house . She was the first friend my oldest daughter made at her new school when we moved here . They were in the same class . Hung out together . I saw her often . At the school . Or at the park . Or just in the streets when we were walking . But she was always there when we took my daughter to school . Running to great her friend . She was scrawny just like my daughter . But she was a little bit too thin . A little bit too pale . In summer she always had just a t - shirt on . And in winter . A very worn and tatty thin little jacket . And trust me . It gets damn cold over here in Boston in winter . I remember seeing her with her arms folded to try and keep some heat in that little body of hers . You could see she was cold . But that was all she had for winter . Her mother was always well dresses . With the latest fashion . Clothes and accessories she bought at the mall . She looked well looked after . And warm . Not like her little girl . But we didn 't see her at school often . Or anywhere for that matter . She didn 't walk with her little girl that often . I often took my girls to the park at the school . And we 'll see her there often . On her own . On the swings . And she 'll be so happy to see my daughters . She was always so good to my little one . Running up to her and giving her a hug and a kiss and playing with her . She was a nice little girl . That little girl from the blue house . My daughter always told us about her friend . And how she shared her snacks at school with her because she never had snacks . So my wife put in a few extra snacks for two . Never mentioned it to the little girl . Didn 't want her to feel odd . My daughter just shared because that is how she is . It was her friend . No questions . And one day she told us that the girl was so exited about going to visit her dad in Arkansas . Her parents were divorced . And she lived with her mother and boyfriend in the blue house . The boyfriend had a nice BMW convertible . Nice car . Pretty new . They obviously had some money . Just not always for the little girl . But she was excited . She was going to visit her dad . And then we saw her during the holiday . When she was meant to be at her dad . It was the first time I really saw her sad . The smile wasn 't there . She spoke to my daughter in a low sad voice and I didn 't want to ask too many questions . Didn 't want her to feel uncomfortable . I just wanted her to be a little girl . Playing with her friend . And having fun the way 10 - year old girls are meant to have fun . So I let them talk and watched as they started playing and giggling . And the smile started coming back . She was with her friend . The odd thing was that apart from that day I always saw her smile . A big old child smile . I never heard her complain . Not in front of me in any case . She always looked happy . But you could see that there was something missing . You just had to look carefully . I always hug and kiss my girls . No matter where we are . When we drop them off at school . When I say goodbye in the morning . When they go to sleep at night . Or just because we feel like a hug and a kiss . Which is often . No matter where we are . And this little girl saw this . Saw how I hugged my girls . And she wanted one too . I used to see her looking at me and my daughter when we hug . And then one day she came up to me when I took my girl to her school and asked for a hug . She was a little bit shy about asking . But I just gave my girl a hug and she looked at me with her tatty top with the long sleeves and peeked at me . " Can I get a hug please ? " " Of course ! " I said . I gave her a big old hug . And she hugged back . Hugging maybe a little longer and harder than what I expected . Almost as if she didn 't get a lot of hugs and would like to get hugs more often . She was only ten . And that was how it was . Whenever she saw me she would come running up to me and give me a hug . And I 'll hug her back . And I 'll give her a smile and ask how she was doing . It became a standard thing . I never really thought much about it . I knew she wanted a hug and I gave her one . We can do with more hugs in this world . And I didn 't think that she got too many hugs elsewhere in any case . And then one day she was just gone . Just gone . Her mother packed their bags in the middle of the night and just disappeared . Gone . Not even a goodbye . Not even a last hug . Just gone with her tatty little top . We never knew what happened to her . How she is doing or how she is feeling . Is she with her dad ? Is she okay ? Is she happy ? Is she being a kid ? Did she get a warmer jacket ? Is she still smiling those big old smiles of hers ? Is she getting any hugs ? Or is she still playing alone in the park ? And then we started looking at buying a house . And one of the houses that was on the market was the blue house . The blue house where the little girl stayed . So off we went to look at the house . Thinking that maybe we can buy it and make it our little house . Until we opened the front door and walked in . The house stank . It was dirty . So dirty . Everything was a mess . Stuff lying on the floor everywhere . Clothes . Plates . Old food . Ashtrays overflowing . Wet spots . I have never , ever seen anything like this anywhere . And I have been to some places … It has been like this for a long , long time . Our shoes got stuck on the sticky dirt that was on the floors . All the rooms were in a mess . You couldn 't even see what color the walls or carpets were . It was brown . From dirt and cigarette smoke . I felt nauseous . Sick . The ex - boyfriend was lying in bed downstairs watching something on a big screen television . On his huge water bed . With plates and empty bottles and cigarettes lying all around him . A pig in a pigsty . We went up the stairs to look at the real bedrooms . And we walked into the room that would have been that little girls room . It was a mess . Just a mess . No place for a little girl . Any little girl . Dirty . Filthy . Disgusting . You could see little things she must have tried to do to make it a little girl 's room . A little picture here and there . A ripped out poster . A wonky little table where she must have tried to study . Some girlie jewelery lying on the floor amongst the dirt that she must have forgotten to pack in the haste . But it was covered in a floor that ran skew . Holes in the floors and roof . And cold . And this was in winter . No heating . This was the room of the little girl with the big smile . My wife and myself just looked at each other . We knew what each of us were thinking . We just wanted to get out . Just wanted to forget that we ever came . That we ever knew that little girl . And that she lived there . Her little room in the blue house . We sat in the car and just stared at nothing for a while . And then she said it . " She lived in that house . " That 's all that needed to be said . We knew . The little girl in the blue house . And walking past that house this morning reminded me of her . That little girl in the blue house . Made me think . Again . How did she do it ? How did she manage ? How did she remain a little girl in that house ? How long can she be that girl with the big old kid smile ? How long before she falls through the cracks ? Is she strong enough ? Where will she find the love she needs ? The hugs she deserves ? How is the little girl from the blue house doing ? The little girl from the blue house . I hope you remember me . I hope you remember those hugs . I just wish I hugged you a little harder and a little longer . Posted by Henk Campher under America , angel , belief , bigotry , children , climate change , conflict , daughters , discrimination , environment , equality , ethics , family , food , freedom , gay , girl , girls , global warming , guns , happiness , hate , health , health care , hope , human rights , I am because you are , inspire , kids , life , live , love , Madiba , marriage , men , peace , people , personal , politics , poverty , religion , responsibility , rights , sustainability , terrorism , torture , ubuntu , war , woman , women | Tags : children , climate change , daughter , environment , equality , family , freedom , gay rights , hate , justice , kids , liberty , life , live , love , marriage , people , politics , ubuntu , war , world | [ 5 ] Comments It started with a simple set of questions … " Dad , what are people doing ? Why don 't they want other people to marry ? Why don 't they do anything about global warming ? Why are they always fighting ? " How do I tell her that every 3 seconds a child dies from something that we could 've stopped ? From hunger . From not enough food . From not having an apple . Or clean drinking water . Or just a little porridge in the morning . That we have it in our power to stop it if we want . But we choose not to . How do I tell her ? How do I tell her that our friends can 't marry because some people just hate their love too much ? That love is sometimes not enough . That caring for each other is not what everyone else thinks should be . That the insecurities of the heart and soul of others drive hate instead of seeing the love . How do I tell her ? How do I tell her that some people talk freedom but don 't believe in it ? That freedom is freedom even if we don 't like what others do or say . That freedom to marry . Freedom to love . Freedom to see the love of your life die in hospital . That these freedoms are killed by bigots every day . How do I tell her ? How do I tell her the pursuit of happiness is denied for most ? That it 's a lie that we are told by so many who deny the happiness of others . That justice , equality and liberty is claimed by many but believed and practiced by few . How do I tell her ? How do I tell her people believe in carrying guns that kill but don 't believe in caring for love ? That it 's okay to defend the right to carry a weapon of hatred in your holster but not love in your heart . That it 's okay to defend the right to carry that gun but not the right to love ? How do I tell her ? How do I tell her that I don 't know what our earth will look like in her future ? That maybe we are killing this world of ours with our greed and want . That wanting , buying , driving , wearing , making , living , eating too much and all those things we do might be killing our world slowly . So slowly that we argue while the pot is starting to boil . Like frogs we are killing ourselves slowly . How do I tell her ? How do I tell her that most people don 't really believe in human rights ? That they speak of it as if they care and are willing to fight for it and die for it . But that they will deny others those same human rights . Their right not to be tortured . Their right to marry . Their right to choose . Their right to believe and love who they want . They deny it all . How do I tell her ? How do I tell her that people are willing to let their fellow Americans die . That they can stop it but they choose to look the other way and walk away ? That a public option will save lives but some of us are too selfish and scared and would rather offer up American lives . American blood . All because they don 't care to care . How do I tell her ? How do I tell her that so many men carry hate in their hearts . They rape . They kill . They take away . That these are men we see and know . But we don 't see and we don 't know . That it 's okay to love the world . But be careful with who you trust . They will hurt you if they can because we know of those who are dead and missing . How do I tell her ? How do I tell her to not trust the man who speaks of God because they use and abuse His name ? That they will hate in His name . That they will lie in His name . That they will give Him different names and still be full of hate and lies . That the hate and lies is preached by bigots claiming every religion - Christian , Jew , Hindu , Muslim - you name it . That it 's okay to love God but to not trust those who speak in His name . How do I tell her ? How do I tell her that there are mad men in caves wanting to kill a dream ? That there are enemies everywhere willing to take lives . Innocent lives . And that we live in so much fear that we are willing to do the same as them . We are willing to let innocent people die because of our own fears . That we play into the hand of the warmongers with our weakness of fear . How do I tell her ? How do I tell her all this and so much more ? Racism . Discrimination . Child labor . Obesity . Diseases . Sexism . And all this stuff waiting out there in the world . How do I tell her ? How do I tell her all this ? How do I tell her that if we all just wasted a little less . Wanted a little less . Cared a little more . Believed a little more . Loved a little more . Spoke out a little louder . Did a little more … How do I tell her that I see the faces of those kids dying ? I know their names in my dreams . That they are my kids . Our kids . Not a number . Her kids . How do I tell her that I feel the love of my friends being denied ? That I only feel threatened because they are being denied the right to love and live in love the way I do ? They they are not gay . That they are me . They are her . How do I tell her I believe in freedom ? That it 's worth fighting for even when others are trying to kill it with their freedom - my - way - or - no - way lies and bigotry and double standards . That I fight for the rights for all because I fight for her rights . How do I tell her I don 't believe in guns ? That I hate guns . That guns have killed in my family . That I will still defend those who want the right to have a gun . But that I expect them to fight and defend the right of my friends to love just as hard . That those rights are all hers . How do I tell her that I don 't know everything about global warming ? That I don 't know the science that well . But that I know that it 's better to be safe than sorry . That I will fight for this planet because it is all we have . The only one we have . It 's all I can give her . This little planet in the middle of nowhere is her planet . How do I tell her that human rights means we have to give it to everyone ? To those who are like us . Who love like us . Who live like us . Who believe like us . And those who don 't believe like us . Don 't want to be us . That human rights means we take the higher road and don 't torture . That human right means we allow everyone to be treated the same way we are treated . In love and in marriage . And that I will speak out and fight for those rights . Every single day until we all have it . Because it is her rights . How do I tell her I believe in justice , equality and liberty ? That I believe it is fundamental to who we are and how we want to live . Even though other say it but don 't live it or truly believe it through action . That I will fight for her to have justice . That I will stand up for her to have equality . And I will defend her liberty . Because justice , equality and liberty are hers . How do I tell her that I don 't want these Americans we live with to die ? That I want them to live . I want to help look after them . I want them to have an option to get looked after when they are sick . And that the only option for them is a government option . That I have not option but support an option that will let Americans live . Because I believe that Americans are good . And that it is our duty to love them and respect them and help look after them . Because we are them . American health is her health . How do I tell her not all men are bad ? That there are good men out there . Men who love and care . Men we can trust . And that it 's worth trusting and finding the men we can believe in and trust . That we men will fight those who hurt . Because these are her men . How do I tell her that God is good ? That it is okay to believe and not be part of the lies told by those who claim Him - no matter what they call Him . That God is good and God is love . That I will fight for Him and claim Him back from those who use and abuse His name . Who lie and spread hate in His name . Because He is her God . How do I tell her not to fear the mad man in the cave or anyone else who lives to hate ? That fear is not what makes us who we are . That love makes us who we are . That the love we have is stronger than the hate of others . That love should never be seen as a weakness . Because I will fight for it . Because this love is her love . My love for her . My gift to her . Love . How do I tell her that when I am alone in my thoughts … On the bus . Running . In a hotel . Flying . That I cry inside when I am alone . And sometimes I cry on the outside for all these strangers to see . Thinking of this . Knowing that I don 't know what we are doing . That I don 't know what we are leaving for her tomorrow . For her future . Her world . I just don 't know . I don 't know what world she will inherit from us . I don 't know what world we will leave behind . For her . And for her kids . But I do know that I will fight for what I believe in . I will fight for her rights . Her right to love , believe , be free , have no fear , carry a gun , marry who she wants . her right to be herself . My big angel . Because I love her . And it 's all I can give her . I want to tell her that the world is full of good people . That every single day I work with people who make this world a little better . One step at a time . Sometimes small but always forward . I want to tell her we will fight the good fight . Every single day . There are more of us than what the world might think . And we are strong . And we will never give up . I want to tell her I do what I do because of her . That I see her face when I work . I see her face when I fight for what is right . I see her face when I live my life . It drives me . I want to leave her a world to be proud of . I want to leave her a dad to be proud of . I take her hand and we dance on a Saturday . I joke with her and I tickle her . I play with her and I tease her . I help her with her homework and I say I 'm proud of her great work . I have fun with her and walk her to the bus stop . I hang out with her and watch Harry Potter with her . I lie watching music videos with her and write silly stuff to her on Facebook . Sometimes we talk about Madiba or God and space - time limitations . Or science and mathematics . Geography or food . Even a little bit of serious stuff like politics and rights . And then I talk to her about crazy silly things and give her my books to read . I pull her finger and burp as loud as I can . I go mess up her bed and chase her around . I just do the things a crazy silly stupid dad is meant to do . Because she is my girl . My oldest girl . My big angel . And I 'm just her dad . That 's all I want to be . The cool guy who loves her more than life . So I don 't tell her . But I know . I know we have to fix this world to make it ready for her . She deserves nothing less . She is perfect . She needs a perfect world . Posted by Henk Campher under children , dad , dancing , daughters , family , girls , happiness , kids , life , live , love , mom , music , people , personal , wife | Tags : dad , dancing , daughter , daughters , family , father , girls , happiness , kids , life , live , love , music , wife | [ 13 ] Comments I have two girls . Two beautiful girls . A little princess . And a slightly bigger angel . My girls . My life . My girls they love to dance . Ballet . Jazz . Hip Hop . Tap . Crazy . You name the style and they have it . Just a shame their dad was born with two left feet … I have the dancing ability of the Elephant Man . Some say it is cute . And then laugh when they can 't keep a straight face . Others just burst into laughter straight away . But it hasn 't stopped us from dancing our life away . It hasn 't stopped us from having our music moments . Let me tell you a bit about those moments … I lie in on Sunday mornings . Not too late . But a little . My beautiful and suffering wife takes on Sunday mornings . Making Belgium waffles or pancakes or vetkoeke . And bacon . In the words of my little princess … " I loooove bacon " . But it sounds more like " I luuuuuuuuv bay - kin " . It 's Boston you see . It is rubbing off on her . But I lie in like a lord while the smell of love fills the air . But I don 't lie alone . My big angel comes to join me . Just the two of us . Little princess is in the kitchen with mom learning how to cook . So we lie in bed . She lies in my arms and together we listen to music . No . We " play argue " about music . Channel hopping between VH1 Classics and MTV . She laughs at the big hair of the 80s and the crap music back then . I laugh at the lack of proper lyrics and new styles in the music of today . And we argue about who has the best music taste . She rolls her eyes when I go " Yeah " to Springsteen dancing with the Courtney Cox or do my MC Hammer impressions to " Can 't Touch This " . I laugh at her doing a hip hop impression with her skinny legs and the girlie voice when she goes " Yo ! " But sometimes we go quiet for a moment . A song comes up that makes us go quiet . And we just lie there . She in my arms . And I hold her a little bit tighter than before . It 's then that the music knows no age . It 's when the music goes straight to the heart . And the stomach . It just tells you to lie back and listen to the voice and melody . The words doesn 't even matter . It 's just a song that reminds the two of us that we are lucky . Lucky to have a mom who loves us . And a mom we love . And a little sister that 's a little bit crazy . And lucky that we have our little Sunday morning of music . And love . We always goes quiet when Sinead O ' Connor tells us Nothing Compares . Because we know . Nothing compares . Nothing compares to the laughing and the music in our house . To the love you can almost touch in our house . And nothing compares to the big angel and me lying back and enjoying our Sunday morning of music . Just a dad and his girl . Sinead always does that to me . I look at her face and remember that she was the first crush I had . But it was just that video . And when she cries . When the tears starts rolling down her face . All I wanted to do was just hold her and say " It 's okay Sinead , we love you " . Of course I knew it was just a video . Just a song . But I always felt that she just needed a hug and a whisper that " it 'll be okay " . But there is a new song that also makes us go quiet . A song of today . It 's not the words . Like Nothing Compares wasn 't about the words . It was about Sinead being lost without love . She reminds me about those out there with no love . Those with no Sunday mornings . This new song just reminds me that there isn 't enough love out there . It 's different from Sinead . This song doesn 't make me feel sorry for singer . The song doesn 't tell you about the love that is missing in that life . But this song hits me . Always . I don 't know what it is . But it reminds me that most people don 't know that love . Love that hurts because it is so good . Love that makes you cry because you are so happy . This song haunts me . It makes me miss people I don 't even know . And I can see my angel feels the same when we lie in bed and listen to this song . Watching the tv . But not seeing the song . Just letting it flow . That 's my Sunday morning of music . And love . And then there is the Sunday afternoon of music and love . Crazy music . Crazy times . Crazy love . That 's my little princess . And Love Is In The Air . It 's from one of my favorite movies of all time . Strictly Ballroom . Make no mistake . I am not into ballroom . Or musicals for that matter . But this is one awesome movie . This guy can dance . And you should see me and my little princess make our moves on this song . It 's just crazy . I never tell her when I am going to play it . Never . I just switch it on and watch her reaction . She 'll be in the lounge and I 'll put the boom - box on in the kitchen . Loud . No . LOUD ! All she needs are those first few keys to play . And then she runs into the kitchen and shouts , " Louder dad ! Louder ! " So I turn it louder . Max . And then she jumps up for me to catch her . And hold her . Hang on baby , here we go ! You start off with a few slow swings . Her legs clamped around my middle . I take her hands and she falls back . Her long hair almost hitting the ground . And I wiggle her arms for her whole little body to shake . I swing her up and grab her by her middle . And flip her up in the air . Her head almost touching the roof . Her eyes jumps open wide with a mixture of exhilaration and happiness . I can hear her laugh and giggling throughout the song . I swing her around my body - over my shoulder and around my back . Her feet never touching the floor . It 's wild . And it gets wilder . She stretches out like Superman while I hold her up in the air and move her forward and backwards . And spin her a bit more . And then the song hits a high note and beat . And I swing her head back . Holding her head with one hand and her back with the other . And I start spinning . Around and around . Keeping up with the beat . And going faster and faster as that piece builds up and builds up . And then … BANG ! " Love is in the air ! " Full swing . I see nothing but her face laughing . Her mouth open with the happiness of just dancing . Her eyes wide open with pleasure . Her arms swinging outstretched . Complete trust that her dad will hold her tight enough no matter how fast we go . Her complete love for her crazy dad dancing his silly dance on a Sunday afternoon . Posted by Henk Campher under America , belief , bigotry , charity , children , Christianity , Christians , culture , death , discrimination , equality , ethics , fat , giving , God , hate , health , health care , healthcare , hope , human rights , I am because you are , ignorance , laws , life , live , love , non - profit , nonprofits , obesity , patriotism , people , personal , politics , poverty , protesting , religion , responsibility , rights , ubuntu , USA | Tags : America , bigots , charity , God , health care , healthcare , obesity , people , personal responsibility , religion , responsibility , solutions , USA | [ 10 ] Comments I 've tried to stay out of the political debate on health care over here in the US . No one will be surprised by my position on this one . I 'm not going to comment on the Obama speech or even the stupidity of Wilson . No , I won 't . I want to scratch a little bit deeper here . Deep down to a little thing known as personal responsibility … Look , the current system isn 't working - we can all agree to that . The problem is that your proposal doesn 't address any of the fundamental challenges of the system - covering the poor and those in need . If I lose my job today then I lose my health care coverage as well . Except if I have the money to pay through my neck for it while I don 't have any income . Doesn 't sound right , right ? Let 's agree on one thing before I rant - cut some of the crap being covered by health care . Obesity ? Stop eating crap . Obesity isn 't a disease . Cancer is a disease . Way too much shit is covered by health insurance . Plastic surgery ? 90 % are crap . Only those with facial defects and burn victims should be covered . A new boob job because you want bigger boobs doesn 't count . Whiter teeth ? Go British I say . Cut the fat off coverage and only cover stuff that is really pushing people to their death . Blame the pharmaceutical companies for lobbying for crap to be covered . They create " medicine " that will address these social " diseases " and then lobby the hell out of ( mostly ) Republicans for these to be covered . Why ? Not because they want to address the real health issues but because they want to make a bigger profit from growing some hair over that bold spot of yours or magically make your beer and Mickey D laden fat go away . While I 'm on obesity . Yes , we carry the burden of that in the US and most developed countries . Stop eating crap and start going outside . If you get a heart disease because of your diet ? Make sure you have good funeral coverage . I 'm sick and tired of people being covered by health insurance for things that they do to themselves . Over and over again . You shot yourself in the foot with your own gun ? That 's stupid so pay up yourself . You want to carry a gun them suffer the consequences … Back to the point though . So who will care for those who lost their jobs and can 't afford health care insurance ? Or those who the insurance companies judge as too risky or too sick to cover ? Let me give you an alternative to the government option . Yes , you . I 'm talking to you Mr and Mrs I 'm - Against - The - Government - Option . You should be paying for it . Why ? Because you claim to be on the side of America and the Christian right . That 's just stupid . It 's not an answer it 's just empty words of fake patriotism . America and Christianity is about solutions and not just about shooting your mouth off . You can 't open your mouth without giving some form of solution . The health care system in the US is a failure . No one can argue against that . We all know it and we all accept it . Private industry is not the answer . I would love for them to be the answer but , in this case , they are not . They are generally the best answer when it comes to making cars ( huh ? ) or computers or televisions or other crap we don 't need to survive . Oh they can make the medicine and medical equipment we need better than any government . But they have proven to be a complete failure when it comes to dealing with our actual health coverage . Especially when it comes to the poor and those in need . So what alternative are you offering here ? Some wishy - washy plan that will NOT result in those people being covered ? I 'm not interested in making your insurance any cheaper . ( Or mine for that matter . ) I 'm interested in how we deal with those in need . Let 's assume for a minute that we won 't go for the government option . Let 's think of a plan that will help those people in need in another way . You can 't be American ( or anything else ) without taking some level of responsibility . You can 't open your mouth against something if you aren 't willing to offer up some form of solution . You do this way too often . You are against abortion . But you are not willing to take in the unwanted kids . Or those born with disabilities . Or those born with alcohol syndrome . Or those born through rape . Or where the mother died because of the birth . I don 't see you rushing forward and claiming these babies . You shout from the side and walk away when someone holds up the results of your actions and stupidity . Here is my advice to you … I 'm sick and tired of us having to pick up after you . I am sick and tired of having to clean your mess . You spew stupidity and we liberals have to live with the mistakes of your actions and empty words . Yes we do - why do you think those who work for charities looking after unwanted babies , HIV / Aids patients , battered women , the environment , animals etc are almost always a bunch a liberals ? Because someone has to fix the crap you created . And I am sick and tired of cleaning your mess . You want abortion to be banned ? Then fine . You take care of the unwanted babies . The sick babies . The disabled babies . Because remember , you don 't want government to interfere either now … You want to carry a gun in the open or hidden ? The fine . You take care of those kids and innocent people getting shot by their mates by accident . You take care of what your actions resulted in . Remember , you don 't want government to intervene … You want to stop people suing others because of defects in stuff they bought or doctors who didn 't do their jobs properly ? Then fine . You take care of those people who lost their jobs and income when they got injured and hurt . Remember , you don 't want government to interfere … You want to be able to cut down every forest to dig for oil and coal ? You want to be able to dump your crap anywhere you please ? Then fine . You take care of the … oh wait . We are all going down on this one . Here 's my solution . We 'll take that gun you like to carry so much and shoot you . I 'll even dig your grave myself . Hell , you are busy digging mine with your policies and actions . That way we can claim our bit of oxygen left as you wasted yours with hot air - in more than one way . You can 't just spew stupidity without coming up with a workable solution . You can 't be anti everything . Not when what we are trying to fix is all fucked up . You are either part of the solution ( any solution ) or you are part of the problem . It 's not working stupid . Fix it . And it you don 't like my plan then come up with a better one . Take responsibility for your stupidity . It 's easier to say what is wrong with a specific part in a proposal than come up with a workable solution yourself . But it doesn 't solve the big problem standing like an elephant in the corner waiting to walk all over all of us . Someone is going to get hurt and I will be damned if it is me and my kind again . If we had to write into law the current state of health care . Guess what . We will all be against it - you and me . The current system doesn 't work and what is proposed by the Big O is better . Not perfect but at least better . And if you don 't like it ? Then either come up with a better plan or take responsibility of your own position and stupidity . God stood for very few basic things . Actually , it all comes down to a single concept - love for all ( remember that bit ? You should love others like you love yourself and as much as what you love God blah - blah - blah … ) Dammit you must hate yourself a lot if that part is true . And I believe it is true . Because if you did love your neighbor … Let me ask you this . Letting a person die because they can 't afford to pay for health care and you knowingly supported them NOT getting any help . Is that the way God will want you to love ? Letting someone die from cancer because they lived in a community where some mining company dumped their crap and now they can 't even afford their health care - and you knew about both of those . Is that the way God would want you to love ? So stop giving me the Christian crap . I think we might be serving a different God here . My God is ashamed of you . I know my God actually cares about everyone and cares for everyone . Ask yourself this before you open your mouth - What would God do ? Would he be proud ? Would he help those who needs help ? Or would he walk away ? If you pick this last one - here 's something to think about … He walked away from you a long , long time ago … America is a bit like Marmite - you either love it or hate it . But one thing is for sure , it seems as if everyone has an opinion about America . How great America is or how bad it can be . It all comes down to the problem with America . What is the problem with America ? Well , as a start , part of the question relates to a little thing called dependency . They are the big guys on the block . Pretty much " the dude " . They sneeze and we catch a cold . And we are a bit like the media - we build them up and then want to shoot them down when given half a chance . Why ? Because we can 't live without them . We are dependent on them . And that makes us pissed and jealous . But that 's not the problem with America . The simple answer is that we know that the problems of the world won 't be solved without America . Whether we want peace or the end of poverty or someone to deal with global warming or a fairer world trade regime - it doesn 't mean jack shit if you don 't have America inside the tent . Oh we can ask the Europeans to do their bit or ask African leaders to be a bit more responsible or get the Chinese cut their own carbon footprint . The reality is that none of that will work if America doesn 't come and play . It 's always better to have them in the tent pissing out than having them piss on our little parade . We can 't solve it or deal with it at a global scale without America . That 's part of the problem . But that isn 't the problem with America . Part of the problem is that sometimes we don 't like the answer we get from big brother America . Want a global legal system dealing with global crime ? Sounds like a good idea . But a bit toothless because America refuses to sign on the dotted line . Want to stop landmines from blowing kids up after a war ? Great ! Get an international treaty to deal with that . But we know it will continue to give the bad guys a cop - out as long as America refuses to support it . Want to deal with those computers being dumped in Africa and the kids inhaling the fumes of burning computers for copper ? Let 's all agree to keep our electronic shit at home then . Sounds like a great idea . But pretty useless because America doesn 't support the idea . That 's a problem . Sometimes we don 't get the answer we want . And we don 't like it . Sometimes it just looks like America is in it for themselves . Thinking about what is best for them . What America needs . Instead of thinking of what we need . But that is not the problem with America . That 's just a problem with those darn humans . Tell me . What do you want from life ? Have you noticed how that involves you ? Most answers are about the self . The human aspect . Sometimes it 's materialistic things we want - a bigger car and a bigger house and a bigger telly and more bigger things . Supersize my life . But even those nice warm fuzzy answers are all about the me inside . A peaceful life and some love . You are thinking of you . And your only interest in the outside is how they might impact on your life . When your government decides to help those on the outside . Do you bitch and remind them of the problems at home ? Do you constantly try to tell your government how to make the world a better place or just your little world ? I don 't mean the one off donation or being pissed at your government not doing more about Zimbabwe . We all have our moments of madness . Most of the time it 's just me - me - me isn 't it ? Oh you cloak it in nice fuzzy language and make as if it is for the whole world . But it 's really about what is good for you and your country in most cases . I haven 't seen it any other way . I don 't judge this . I 'm not saying it is wrong . I 'm just saying … Oh I know there are groups out there doing work on a global scale . Mostly crap like global religious fanatics . But I am talking about the good stuff . Making the world a better place . Even when working on these issues you think of yourself and your way and not the others and their way . Or try to find an " our way " . Oxfam ? Love them to bits but over 90 % of senior management in the UK was British . Sorry , that 's not really global . It 's just colonialism cloaked in goodness . Like the original one . Greenpeace ? The luxury of fighting for whales while people die of hunger . None of these people are bad . They are just in it for themselves . But cloaked in goodness and all things nice . Maybe we are asking the wrong question here . Maybe we shouldn 't be asking what the problem is with America . Maybe the question should be what 's the problem with us . Maybe the problem with America is that they are just a little bit too much like us . Americans are just a tad too much like me and you . Just your average people trying to live a decent life . Their life . Maybe that is the problem . Maybe the problem is that America is in all of us . America is us . And we are America .
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So Brian told me a couple weeks ago that he 'd get me an iPad ( STILL hate the name ! ) . I kinda blew it off as a " sure , I 'll believe it when I see it , " but over the last several days , I 've been getting excited about it . It sounds ridiculous , but I really want this particular tablet computer to make my life a lot less papery . An official digital calendar ; an editable address book that requires no pencil or specific blue pen ; all the business card stuff and lifestyle information , as well as personal notes ; and informational , weirdly anal - retentive spreadsheets . Another huge draw for a paperless existence : e - books . I 'm a huge , HUGE fan of actual , real books , but there is something super fantastic about buying a story that I may or may not like , and not waste a tree over it . It 'll be a better life for me if I can read anything and everything with no worry over the guilt of not liking it and yet , advocating the killing of a tree or two for it . So , the 3G connection isn 't important to me . The Wi - Fi will do just fine . I 'd like the 32 GB model , I think , giving me plenty of room for plenty of books . So my iPad will be available in stores this weekend . I doubt I 'll actually get one this weekend , but the flight of fancy is thrilling . I declare shenanigans . Tonight was ridiculous . I know that my ire over this week 's elimination is due entirely to my liking of Shannen Doherty , but this result seems to be more than a little suspicious . Mark 's knee is busted . His father is kinda instrumental in the production of the show . Mark is one of the show 's darlings . And now , he 's able to use this time to have his knee fixed . It all seems a little too convenient that Doherty is the first to be sent packing . This show and its voting and results compilations are so sketchy . There 's no way that there are more people out there who would vote for Kate Gosselin and her attitude than Doherty . If I didn 't know myself better , I would say that I 'll be boycotting the show now . But there 's still too much hot - mess craziness to see over the next several weeks . My husband and my kid made me laugh so hard tonight . I can 't tell you exactly why , because I was sworn to secrecy and the evidence was deleted , but I 'll give you some bullet points as to the reason : Brian . Sydney . Video Camera . Bathroom . HA HA ! ! Okay , here 's what we did today : We took too much time figuring out what we were going to do for our day 's activity , and were incredibly excited to have someone present a solution to us ( thanks , Stephanie ! ) . The Target Greatland had some of the stuff we wanted , but not the flushable potty wipes that I 'm almost out of . I 'd rather have the melon - scented wipes , actually . Lunch and a play date at Stephanie and Addison 's was fun , and how none of those girls ended up in the pool from their playing , I 'll never know . And also , cheers to the sugar cookie bribery that got Sydney to take a decent nap . What I need is to find something that the both of us will enjoy doing in the late afternoon , once Sydney wakes up from her nap . But that 's neither here nor there . The rest of the day was kind of blurry . Until tonight , when it got a bit more sparkly and bright . My Dancing with the Stars voting ( 11 votes allowed ) : Chad Ochocinco ~ 2 votes . I like a flirt , and this guy , with his smile , obvious good nature , and , of course , flirtatiousness , makes me want to see more of him . Evan Lysacek ~ 2 votes . Because I like him . And he looked super cool in that leather jacket . Shannen Doherty ~ 2 votes . Because I like her . And she 's a fun diamond in the rough . Erin Andrews ~ 1 vote . Another vote for Maks , because I am loving the way Andrews is dealing with him . Niecy Nash ~ 1 vote . Pamela Anderson ~ 1 vote . Jake Pavelka ~ 1 vote . Nicole Scherzinger ~ 1 vote . Buzz Aldrin , Kate Gosselin and Aiden Turner ~ 0 votes . If one of these three does not go home tomorrow night , it 's a weird , weird world . I 'm beyond excited for an elimination show . It 's been a long time since I found something at the Tempe Festival of the Arts that I absolutely had to have . Today , I did . It 's one of those cool painted windows , complete with the frame , containing an awesome little beach scene made of paint , broken glass , shells , rocks and some glitter . It 's really quite fantastic . Of course , finding someplace to hang it was our ( because Brian likes it , too ) biggest issue . First , we thought , over the Cozy Chair , hanging in front of the window . That would have worked beautifully , if the one place I wanted to secure the hook had been an actual place to hang a hook . Second spot I chose was in the hallway , over the plant stand . It is very visible from my bedroom , which is what I wanted , and I 'm really happy with it right now . That place though , was taken by the Phoenix Art Museum 's Monet piece . Monet had to be moved , and that is where the game really got intense . Office ? Hung it , tried it , hated it . Hallway ? Hung it , maybe like it . . . it 's kinda big for that spot , and I think it 'll do okay . . . at least until Mom arrives in a couple weeks and " suggests " a new place . Mickey and Pluto had to be moved from the hallway into the office , which bothered Sydney just a little bit , but she got over it and decided that Mickey 's new place was okay . . . again , until Mom finds someplace better for it . From my place here on the bed , I can see the new art , which I LOVE , and the Monet in the hall , which I am still getting used to in that space . Maybe tomorrow I 'll have an epiphany about a difference place to put that one . I chose The Broker , by John Grisham . I picked it myself , relying on no one but me . . . and my anal retentive tendencies towards making everything look better . Since the Grisham book was the only paperback on the shelf , it looked weird . Without it on the shelf , the books are more uniform in height , appealing to my ridiculous visual requirements . I take it as a good sign that I 'm a couple dozen pages in , and I actually debated tonight between reading and watching a movie . I chose the movie , which is not to say that I didn 't want to read , but instead , that I was more interested in getting the movie out of my house and back to Netflix . You see , it was two resolutions warring - - being true to Netflix versus the one - book - a - month reading requirement . The movie , I knew , would get caught up in the non - mail on Sunday , so I figured that I might as well get it in the post tomorrow . I watched The Time Traveler 's Wife . It was good . Actually , better than I thought it would be . I enjoy though , putting a random flick in the DVD player while I 'm dicking around online at night . Kind of a several birds with one stone thing . All the farming , e - mailing and reading done while still taking in the movie . I love multi - tasking ! ! BAP ! ~ Okay , the weirdest thing . I can not , for the life of me , decide which book I should read next . I have six or seven books resting on my bookshelf , and I 'm deliberating over which I should grace with my eyes and brain . Only one is a book of romance , or " lady porn , " and the rest are mysteries . One is the true story of an adventurer who traveled to South America , I think I 'm remembering that right , and then disappeared . I 'm intrigued by each of them , but can 't make a decision . I tried to get Sydney to choose one for me , but she wouldn 't have any of it . SMASH ! ~ I think I 'm going to start wearing mascara every day . My InStyle magazine may have changed my life this month . I saw a thing about how , sometimes , just a bit of mascara is enough to carry through the day . Also , I saw a delicious pair of wedge heels that I must possess for the summer . Should I wear wedge heels this summer ? I think so ! Also , the Reebok workout shoes look like they 'll be more comfortable than my Skechers ( the truth of that is TBD ) . THWACK ! ~ Does anyone else think that a lot of this health care debate , and the fires its flaming , can be blamed a lot on misinformation ? I feel like if the politicians and the media were a bit more informed themselves , they would say intelligent things , and the people wouldn 't be so irate , violent , and irrational in their fears . I don 't claim to know much involved in this newest legislation , but I do know that the behavior of the citizens and politicians alike have made me long for residence somewhere other than here . I can 't imagine that any bit of legislation is strong enough to be the bringer of the country 's destruction . People should stop acting like it is . CRASH ! ~ Anyone have a Hawaii quarter ? That is the last quarter in the State Series , and it is the only one missing from my collection . I keep hoping that it 'll turn up , as the others have all done , but it should have been floating around for a while , and we still don 't have one . It 's not a obsessive thought in my head daily , but it does float through the Posted by I fed a giraffe today . It was really pretty cool . There 's a giraffe encounter place at Phoenix Zoo , and , honestly , I got peer pressured into participating . It costs $ 3 per person to feed the animals , and I only had $ 5 total , so had to borrow a buck from Nicole . Lack of cash is usually why I avoid the activity . All the same , today , so many moms got in line , Sydney got excited about it , so I was sucked in , too . We waited our turn , got our guide , Mike , to lead us onto the platform , and then were given our lettuce leaves , and what I could only guess is a bit of Giraffe Protein Pellet . When it came down to it , Sydney freaked and wouldn 't go near the giraffe . There 's a line that you are not permitted to cross , since the giraffes can reach the food from your hand when you 're behind it . I stepped up , as I do , and fed the giraffe its protein pellet . Giraffes have really long , really dark black tongues that feel a lot like a dog 's tongue when it brushes your finger . Super cool . Animals that , in my life , I have hand fed : GiraffeHorseGoatSquirrelBlue JayRabbitHamsterParakeet - - I know that feeding Humphrey totally shouldn 't count , but my goodness , he was the frickin ' coolest bird ever . TurtleDuckFishKangaroo I 'm pretty pleased that there wasn 't any Dancing with the Stars results show tonight . I 'm still dealing with the after - effects of last night , and I don 't think I could have handled any more glitter , fringe and sequins this evening . Random accomplishments for the day : 1 . ) I finally bought some reusable cloth grocery store bags . Thank goodness they come in stylish colors . I was able to choose a basic black bag , rather than the green ( which I actually liked better , but didn 't see until we were leaving the store ) , blue ( which was too bright ) , and the pink ( which , surprisingly , was kinda zebra striped ) . 2 . ) I have now finished my second straight day of no fried foods being consumed . No french fries , fried cheese , waffle fries , hamburgers or anything that is really , really yummy . 3 . ) I spent 30 minutes on the treadmill , in my workout Skechers . Honestly , I got sweatier on the treadmill today than I have on the elliptical lately . This also could be because I haven 't worked out in more than a week , due to the cold and general ickiness . 4 . ) I didn 't do any shopping , except the grocery store . A happy checking account begets a happy life . Brian has decided that I hate him on Monday nights from 7 p . m . to 8 p . m . ( Arizona time ) . This is the only time period in which I am utterly and completely in control of both televisions in the house . Bedroom television : DVR recording both Dancing with the Stars and Life Unexpected . Living room television : DVR recording Chuck , and watching DWTS . There is a logic here . I simply can 't sit and watch four hours of necessary television that I don 't start until 8 : 30 p . m . ( I include Castle in that four hours . Chuck waits for tomorrow during school hours . ) The kicker is that the first hour of DWTS , Chuck and Life Unexpected all fall during that 7 to 8 hour , requiring the use of both DVRs . I watch DWTS in the living room because that gives me an hour jump on the DVR backlog , but also because I want Sydney to develop an affection for this ridiculous show . In my dreams , we will , some day soon , watch and squeal and giggle through it together . Because of this monopoly over the televisions , my own TV - obsessed spouse has nowhere to settle down and watch his own combination of Discovery , History and sports programming . He said to me tonight , " Why do you hate me ? " I said , " Whatever , but okay . Yes . Monday nights , from 7 to 8 , you may think that I hate you . " My Dancing with the Stars voting ( 11 votes allowed ) : Chad Ochocinco ~ 2 votes . I follow Ochocinco on Twitter , and appreciate his honesty , forthrightness , and love of McDonald 's . I had heard that he would be a surprise . I 'm agreeing . I like him a lot already . Shannen Doherty ~ 2 votes . I always thought that Doherty got the short end of the stick when it came to her press coverage . I actually loved her on Beverly Hills , 90210 ( Brenda and Dylan 4 - Ever ) , and Charmed . I like her emotional connection to the show because of her dad . Votes ! ! ! Evan Lysacek ~ 2 votes . I know that this show is all about the gold - medal winners , but these votes go strictly to Lysacek 's partner , Anna Trebunskaya . I swear , she 's been on this show since the beginning , and has been shafted with bad partners . I want Posted by 1 . We did buy and watch New Moon yesterday . What I liked about it was that both Brian and I were okay with fast - forwarding through the boring parts . What I didn 't like was that I was suddenly bored with the way Edward and Bella stared at each other . Last night , I found myself , honestly , rolling my eyes . Teenagers and vampires are SO DRAMATIC . 2 . Brian , Sydney and I looked at bikes today . We might actually buy some next weekend . Don 't laugh . It has been decided though that with my bike , we 'll get a trailer rather than a sit - behind seat . We don 't really want me to be responsible for both of us on the bike , instead of just me , who can fall off a bike at any time due to faulty balance issues . I shall keep you updated on that . 3 . I like it better when Sydney naps during the day , but when she doesn 't , this going right to sleep at night without any drama thing is AWESOME . I 'm not going to hide this from you : I will be among those people at Target tomorrow buying my copy of New Moon . I read the books , as I vaguely remember mentioning on the blog here , and didn 't dig them too much . Actually , I totally liked the first three . The fourth ? Meh . But what should be noted is that I am enjoying the movies much more . ( Fun fact to embarrass my husband : he likes them a lot , too . He 'll be in line with me tomorrow , and we 'll probably watch the movie tomorrow night . ) I think my preference for the films relies completely on the fact that , in the movies , you don 't hear a whole lot from Bella 's inner monologue . In the books , Bella ( the main female character ) whines quite a bit . She borders on the ridiculous , with the amount of whining she rolls with throughout the day / night . You can tell she is a teenager because of all the DRAMA in her life . Every little thing is worthy of uppercase letters , and in case you missed it , she 'll throw in an italic for good measure . The movies though , don 't dwell on any of that . That 's the beauty of a movie , it 's all about the eyes , and not so much the inner workings of the mind . New Moon is the second of the Twilight films ; the first being called , conveniently , Twilight . The third film , Eclipse , is scheduled for release June 30 . I 'm very intrigued to see how the fourth film ( Breaking Dawn ) comes out , since it was my least favorite of the four books . I 'm finding it impossible to really believe this , but I think I 'm getting sick again . I 've had a runny nose ever since I arrived in California . That 's not the bad . The bad is the ickiness in my throat . I 've been having this random , weird cough all day today , and it 's pissing me off . It 's kinda phlegmy , actually , not that I really wanted to share that . If it lasts as long as Sydney 's continuing cough , I may be dealing with this for some time . So that will , no doubt , be a recurring theme in blog posts for the next several days . Sorry . Also , holy crap , I 'm tired . I write important notes on my hand . If I had a super - big hand , it still wouldn 't have enough space for all the stuff rolling through my head right now . Written on the thumb : PARK - - Getting up early to meet Nicole and Ella at the park in the morning . Index finger : TARGET - - Go to Target after the park for a list of stuff , including , but not limited to , tissues , king pillow for decor sham , and another swimsuit for Sydney . Middle finger : PBK - - Visit my local Pottery Barn Kids , i . e . , awesome baby store , for a gift for Megan 's shower on Sunday . Ring finger : PACK - - Bags must be packed for the trip to California this weekend . Pinky finger : BATHS - - Everyone needs to be sure to get clean so we can make an early start on Saturday morning . Up and out of the house at 7 a . m . ? Yikes ! ! Palm of hand ( upper ) : SNACKS - - Only a ridiculously foolish mom takes off with a toddler in the backseat for a lengthy road trip without plenty of snacks and munchies . Let 's add toys for the backseat in this category , too . Palm of hand ( lower ) : GOOD HUMOR and REST - - It 's always best to hit the road with a positive attitude , and with bright eyes . Here 's to a decent night 's sleep and a sense of humor come Saturday morning ! Forehead : STARBUCKS - - That is all . I got a ticket today . A member of the city 's finest pulled me over this afternoon , and not for a moving violation . Apparently , the registration on my car expired on January 31 . Expired tags , and a California driver 's license , earned me a ticket , rather than a warning . Honestly , I had no idea the tags had expired . I never got the renewal ; either it didn 't get mailed to me at all , or it got lost in the mail . The police officer figures that , between my moving last year and the Cali license , the Arizona DMV had no idea where to send the renewal . I distinctly remember changing the address on the DMV 's web site after we moved , so was confused as to why I didn 't get the renewal , but that 's neither here nor there . The cop ( I 'll call him that here , since it 's faster to type that than " police officer " every time I refer to him ) took my license , current insurance ( thank goodness I had that ! ! ) , and expired registration and headed off to his car . No doubt all kinds of identity and background searches ensued within the vehicle , because he was in there for 20 minutes or so . Sydney told me at this point , " Mommy , he 's never coming back . " I disagreed , but she kept arguing that . Finally , he came back . . . with the ticket . The general consensus is that , if I had an Arizona license , I probably would have gotten off with a warning . But , with the Cali license that I told him I did not want to give up , he , for whatever reason , decided I needed an actual ticket . These infractions are not moving violations , so they do nothing to my license or insurance . They do , however , piss me off . Not the registration , because obviously , that 's my bad , and if the renewal showed up , I would have paid it . That 's not the kind of thing that I just choose to not pay . No , I am pissy and agitated over giving up the California driver 's license . I always said that I wouldn 't change that license until all I had to change was its address . That we still live in a rental property is an argument that I am still in temporary housing . Mom 's address is my only permanent Posted by You know how that one thing happens that can turn you against a person forever ? You know how everyone has their celebrity pet peeve ? My list of " Celebrities Who Bug Me " is relatively short , though distinguished , including Beyonce , sometimes Jennifer Lopez , John Leguizamo , James Cameron , and one or two others . Today , my list was lengthened by one : Lindsay Lohan . Today , word came out that Lindsay Lohan and her attorney have filed suit against E - Trade , the online financial company , for their Super Bowl ad , in which the babies who talk about trading referred to one of their own - - a baby - - as a " milkaholic " named " Lindsay . " Lohan and her attorney contend that the ad takes a swipe at Lohan herself , and her well - documented issues , which have included drinking . The suit is for $ 100 million for using her name and issues for the benefit of the ad . " Many celebrities are known by one name only , and E - Trade is using that knowledge to profit , " Lohan 's lawyer , Stephanie Ovadia , said in a statement to the New York Post . " They 're using her name as a parody of her life . Why didn 't they use the name Susan ? This is a subliminal message . Everybody 's talking about it and saying it 's Lindsay Lohan . " First of all , Lindsay Lohan is hardly a one - name celebrity . Honestly , is she drunk right now , comparing herself to Oprah , Madonna , Elvis or Whoopi ? Second , I haven 't heard anyone talking about the ad and how it is supposed to be a poke at Lohan . Who really cares about this that isn 't Lohan or the attorney that is charging $ 750 an hour for this suit ? Third , talking babies tend to freak me out . Fourth , well , let 's hear from the ad people : The spokesperson for Grey Group , which produced the " milkaholic " commercial , said that they " just used a popular baby name that happened to be the name of someone on the account team . " To Lohan 's " legal team " : This seems pretty easy to prove or disprove . Check to see if there 's a Lindsay on the ad team , then drop it . You 're bugging me . To Lohan : Get over yourself . Let me just start off by saying this : My mom is awesome . I got a good - sized yellow envelope in the mail today . I was stumped , of course , but especially by the Canadian return address . I had no idea who these people were , and what intrigued me even more was the mailing label , upon which the word " gloves " was listed under its content space . Right there , in the middle of my driveway , I opened this envelope . Springing forth from the open envelope was a red , knit bundle of happiness . I looked again at the return address . Again , no idea who these people were , but they became , all of a sudden , the best people on the planet . I thought that maybe they read about my need for these mittens on the blog here , or somehow from my Facebook page - - creepy instances that freaked me out a bit . But first , I thought to call Brian and Mom . Brian wasn 't able to chat , but I knew that Mom would be the key to this mystery , since stuff like this just doesn 't happen without her fingerprints on it somewhere . So when she called me back , I was all questions . Minutes into the call , she admitted to making the purchase on eBay ( which was why she didn 't immediately recognize the name on the return address label ) , and knew that they would be arriving soon . Um , this is just a fantastic story , isn 't it ? ? ! ! The mittens are warm , wonderfully red , and make me smile every time I look at them . I 've worn them quite a bit this evening . Ridiculous , yes , but still , a warm , happy , fuzzy feeling . Brian got home , and having noticed the frustrated " kid needs to go to bed " look on my face , and the relaying of the latest Daisy - stealing - food - from - the - table story , he said to me , " Wow , if it hadn 't been for those Olympic mittens , someone may have been dead here tonight . " We watched the movie 2012 tonight . I don 't like these kinds of movies , even though I do . It 's always good to see stories about the strength of the human spirit . Also , it 's always good to see John Cusack , Oliver Platt and Danny Glover . But this also , is another argument for the positives of living in the middle of the country . Washington , D . C . destroyed ; Los Angeles destroyed . The middle of the country was spared from the huge tsunamis bowling over the coasts . Actually , the complete destruction of L . A . and its surrounding areas was disturbing enough for me to be clutching Brian 's hand throughout that sequence . Ridiculous , yes , but still , a powerful enough earthquake could bring untold destruction . I like it better when stuff is destroyed by aliens , or volcanoes or something . Earthquakes really happen there . I 'm watching that Parenthood show right now . I recorded it from earlier in the week , and am just now sitting down to enjoy it . You know who drew me to it , is the actress Lauren Graham . I love her from Gilmore Girls , and was so excited to see that she was attached to another television show . But there are a ton of recognizable faces on this show . Currently though , it 's being presented to me with limited commercial interruptions by Nissan , which also ferries families around . Not at all lost on me are the commercial breaks bursting with , yes , Nissan ads , but also with ads for the show . . . Parenthood . Weird ? Seems like a lost opportunity to promote other shows , like Chuck , who need the extra attention . I 'm about done with it now , and think I 'll be keeping it on my viewing rotation . The last thing in the world I need is another show to watch , as I am being drawn into the world of Dancing with the Stars against my will , but I 'll work on this one . I 'm still bummed that I let The Good Wife get away from me over the last several months . I need more hours in the day to watch television , you know . . . more hours . I 'm in a nervous snit right now . One of my favorite shows , the awesome Glee , is hitting the road for a national , ( though ) four - city , tour in May of this year . The cities are Los Angeles , Chicago , New York , and . . . wait for it . . . Phoenix . This could be , quite possibly , one of the coolest things to ever happen to this town . I love that this is happening here ! The show in Phoenix is on May 18 . Tickets , I 've heard and read , go on sale March 12 . But for those of us with American Express cards , pre - sale tickets should be available tomorrow morning . This sounds great , but I 've got to tell you , I can 't find the Phoenix show even listed on the Ticketmaster web site . Does this mean that they were lying about the Phoenix show ? No , all indications and press releases still list Phoenix . The only pre - sale tickets on the site are for New York and L . A . Does this mean that us people in Phoenix and Chicago are out of luck so far as getting pre - sale tickets ? Perhaps . But I 'm getting super nervous about this not happening for me , and Katy , and Lisa , and Brian - - though he doesn 't think he 's really going to go with us . Actually , now that I 've spent some time thinking about it , and again realizing that the pre - sale also didn 't include Chicago , I 'm feeling a little less insecure about the lack of listing on Ticketmaster . I 've signed up for the alert for both Glee and the Dodge Theater , where the show will be performed . I am so excited about this concert ! ! Our summer is coming together lately , and we may just have an awesome one , despite the fact that we live here in the frickin ' heat of the desert . First , the grassy knoll in the backyard is looking good , though it 'll still be several days before it 's lush and beautiful . Still , it 's on the mend , and I 'm really pleased with how we have refurbished our yard . Second , Sydney had her first swim lesson this afternoon , and she totally loved it . In fact , as we left the building , she asked if we could go back to swim school , " right now . " She really enjoyed it , and didn 't seem to mind at all that I was behind the window , just watching . I like that she felt comfortable without me , and with the new teacher . Let 's see how next week goes , but this was a fantastic start . Third , a lot of Sydney 's summer clothes from last year are fitting her this year . We put a pair of shorts on her this afternoon and they fit just fine around the waist still . I 'd like to have a couple pairs of her capris from last summer hemmed up to shorts though . Also , this won 't stop me from getting her a new pair ( or three ) of shorts this summer . Fourth , my new assertion that we will do more , as a family , this year is foremost in my plans . Going outside is always a sketchy proposition during the summer , as it 's hot as hell outside , but I really want us to do some good family - style things . Like I said , our summer is off to a good start . I 'm tired . I had every intention of writing a spectacularly witty blog post tonight , but then got sidetracked by a movie that Brian and I have been wanting to sit and watch . Unfortunately , the movie wasn 't started until 10 p . m . , and rolled straight through to 11 : 45 p . m . Leaving me exactly 45 minutes less , to do anything that I wanted to get done this evening . ( That was a random sentence . Read it a couple times and it 'll make better sense . ) Anyway , here I sit on the bed jamming out an incomprehensible post that , tomorrow morning , I 'll stare at and shake my head in shame . Good night ! Dancing with the Stars announced its cast for the tenth season tonight . It is unimpressive . Like I just said on Amy 's Facebook page , there is maybe a single " star , " or two , who I am at all interested in seeing on the program . I think I may need to bow out of the viewing of the show again . Here are the stars that will be premiering on the show March 22 : * Evan Lysacek , Olympic gold medalist in men 's figure skating . We just saw him struggling through a skating routine with snakes wrapped around his torso . Now , he 'll be dancing . * Pamela Anderson , actress . Wow . What , on earth , are those costume designers going to put on her ? * Chad Ochocinco , football player . I follow Ochocinco on Twitter , and find him to be funny , honest and sometimes funny . He and Lysacek are the stars I 'd maybe like to see . * Aiden Turner , required ABC soap star . * Erin Andrews , ESPN broadcaster . Another bit of Disney nepotism . * Shannen Doherty , actress . I prefer her on Charmed . * Buzz Aldrin , really old former astronaut . He 's , like , 80 . I 'm afraid he 'd have a heart attack , honestly . * Niecy Nash , actress . * Nicole Scherzinger , a Pussycat Doll . I 'm going to sound old right now , but the idea of a Pussycat Doll a bit offensive . * Kate Gosselin , mom of eight . * Jake Pavelka , former Bachelor . This cast is bad , I think , for my head . There are too many people I don 't care about , and too many I do know of , but am not interested in seeing on my television once a week . There 's too much oddity here for me to get obsessive about it . Too much . . . potentially upsetting crazy in one space . Yeah , I think I 'll pass on this season . I don 't think I told you that Brian and I did a good amount of yard work this past weekend . We spent the before - the - rain hours of Saturday morning laying soil , re - seeding and fertilizing our lawn in the backyard . You 'd be proud of us . While Brian aerated the soil , I was able to take the time to trim up the bougainvillea along the interior wall of the yard . Once he finished , he poured out the soil while I ( on my hands and knees ! ! ) spread the soil evenly over the space . NOTE : We did have to go to Home Depot at this point to get more soil . The guy who helped us originally had no idea how much soil this would take . On his advice , we bought one bag initially ; it ended up taking four bags to cover our ACREAGE . Having spread the soil , Brian did the seeding , and then we spread out the fertilizer . To keep a lot of the birds out , we then spread more soil atop the layers . From then and for the next two weeks , it 's all about water , water , water . The soil and seeds must stay moist , so we 're to water the space three times a day . Our lives this month are about watering the grass . Hence , the gardener - with - watering - can avatar . I 'm really pretty excited about having a green lawn again . The general consensus though , is that I over - watered the grass last spring , summer and fall , which accounts for the unhealthy look of it towards the end of the summer and into the fall . I 'll certainly be mindful of that going forward into the grassy months of this year .
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So Brian told me a couple weeks ago that he 'd get me an iPad ( STILL hate the name ! ) . I kinda blew it off as a " sure , I 'll believe it when I see it , " but over the last several days , I 've been getting excited about it . It sounds ridiculous , but I really want this particular tablet computer to make my life a lot less papery . An official digital calendar ; an editable address book that requires no pencil or specific blue pen ; all the business card stuff and lifestyle information , as well as personal notes ; and informational , weirdly anal - retentive spreadsheets . Another huge draw for a paperless existence : e - books . I 'm a huge , HUGE fan of actual , real books , but there is something super fantastic about buying a story that I may or may not like , and not waste a tree over it . It 'll be a better life for me if I can read anything and everything with no worry over the guilt of not liking it and yet , advocating the killing of a tree or two for it . So , the 3G connection isn 't important to me . The Wi - Fi will do just fine . I 'd like the 32 GB model , I think , giving me plenty of room for plenty of books . So my iPad will be available in stores this weekend . I doubt I 'll actually get one this weekend , but the flight of fancy is thrilling . I declare shenanigans . Tonight was ridiculous . I know that my ire over this week 's elimination is due entirely to my liking of Shannen Doherty , but this result seems to be more than a little suspicious . Mark 's knee is busted . His father is kinda instrumental in the production of the show . Mark is one of the show 's darlings . And now , he 's able to use this time to have his knee fixed . It all seems a little too convenient that Doherty is the first to be sent packing . This show and its voting and results compilations are so sketchy . There 's no way that there are more people out there who would vote for Kate Gosselin and her attitude than Doherty . If I didn 't know myself better , I would say that I 'll be boycotting the show now . But there 's still too much hot - mess craziness to see over the next several weeks . My husband and my kid made me laugh so hard tonight . I can 't tell you exactly why , because I was sworn to secrecy and the evidence was deleted , but I 'll give you some bullet points as to the reason : Brian . Sydney . Video Camera . Bathroom . HA HA ! ! Okay , here 's what we did today : We took too much time figuring out what we were going to do for our day 's activity , and were incredibly excited to have someone present a solution to us ( thanks , Stephanie ! ) . The Target Greatland had some of the stuff we wanted , but not the flushable potty wipes that I 'm almost out of . I 'd rather have the melon - scented wipes , actually . Lunch and a play date at Stephanie and Addison 's was fun , and how none of those girls ended up in the pool from their playing , I 'll never know . And also , cheers to the sugar cookie bribery that got Sydney to take a decent nap . What I need is to find something that the both of us will enjoy doing in the late afternoon , once Sydney wakes up from her nap . But that 's neither here nor there . The rest of the day was kind of blurry . Until tonight , when it got a bit more sparkly and bright . My Dancing with the Stars voting ( 11 votes allowed ) : Chad Ochocinco ~ 2 votes . I like a flirt , and this guy , with his smile , obvious good nature , and , of course , flirtatiousness , makes me want to see more of him . Evan Lysacek ~ 2 votes . Because I like him . And he looked super cool in that leather jacket . Shannen Doherty ~ 2 votes . Because I like her . And she 's a fun diamond in the rough . Erin Andrews ~ 1 vote . Another vote for Maks , because I am loving the way Andrews is dealing with him . Niecy Nash ~ 1 vote . Pamela Anderson ~ 1 vote . Jake Pavelka ~ 1 vote . Nicole Scherzinger ~ 1 vote . Buzz Aldrin , Kate Gosselin and Aiden Turner ~ 0 votes . If one of these three does not go home tomorrow night , it 's a weird , weird world . I 'm beyond excited for an elimination show . It 's been a long time since I found something at the Tempe Festival of the Arts that I absolutely had to have . Today , I did . It 's one of those cool painted windows , complete with the frame , containing an awesome little beach scene made of paint , broken glass , shells , rocks and some glitter . It 's really quite fantastic . Of course , finding someplace to hang it was our ( because Brian likes it , too ) biggest issue . First , we thought , over the Cozy Chair , hanging in front of the window . That would have worked beautifully , if the one place I wanted to secure the hook had been an actual place to hang a hook . Second spot I chose was in the hallway , over the plant stand . It is very visible from my bedroom , which is what I wanted , and I 'm really happy with it right now . That place though , was taken by the Phoenix Art Museum 's Monet piece . Monet had to be moved , and that is where the game really got intense . Office ? Hung it , tried it , hated it . Hallway ? Hung it , maybe like it . . . it 's kinda big for that spot , and I think it 'll do okay . . . at least until Mom arrives in a couple weeks and " suggests " a new place . Mickey and Pluto had to be moved from the hallway into the office , which bothered Sydney just a little bit , but she got over it and decided that Mickey 's new place was okay . . . again , until Mom finds someplace better for it . From my place here on the bed , I can see the new art , which I LOVE , and the Monet in the hall , which I am still getting used to in that space . Maybe tomorrow I 'll have an epiphany about a difference place to put that one . I chose The Broker , by John Grisham . I picked it myself , relying on no one but me . . . and my anal retentive tendencies towards making everything look better . Since the Grisham book was the only paperback on the shelf , it looked weird . Without it on the shelf , the books are more uniform in height , appealing to my ridiculous visual requirements . I take it as a good sign that I 'm a couple dozen pages in , and I actually debated tonight between reading and watching a movie . I chose the movie , which is not to say that I didn 't want to read , but instead , that I was more interested in getting the movie out of my house and back to Netflix . You see , it was two resolutions warring - - being true to Netflix versus the one - book - a - month reading requirement . The movie , I knew , would get caught up in the non - mail on Sunday , so I figured that I might as well get it in the post tomorrow . I watched The Time Traveler 's Wife . It was good . Actually , better than I thought it would be . I enjoy though , putting a random flick in the DVD player while I 'm dicking around online at night . Kind of a several birds with one stone thing . All the farming , e - mailing and reading done while still taking in the movie . I love multi - tasking ! ! BAP ! ~ Okay , the weirdest thing . I can not , for the life of me , decide which book I should read next . I have six or seven books resting on my bookshelf , and I 'm deliberating over which I should grace with my eyes and brain . Only one is a book of romance , or " lady porn , " and the rest are mysteries . One is the true story of an adventurer who traveled to South America , I think I 'm remembering that right , and then disappeared . I 'm intrigued by each of them , but can 't make a decision . I tried to get Sydney to choose one for me , but she wouldn 't have any of it . SMASH ! ~ I think I 'm going to start wearing mascara every day . My InStyle magazine may have changed my life this month . I saw a thing about how , sometimes , just a bit of mascara is enough to carry through the day . Also , I saw a delicious pair of wedge heels that I must possess for the summer . Should I wear wedge heels this summer ? I think so ! Also , the Reebok workout shoes look like they 'll be more comfortable than my Skechers ( the truth of that is TBD ) . THWACK ! ~ Does anyone else think that a lot of this health care debate , and the fires its flaming , can be blamed a lot on misinformation ? I feel like if the politicians and the media were a bit more informed themselves , they would say intelligent things , and the people wouldn 't be so irate , violent , and irrational in their fears . I don 't claim to know much involved in this newest legislation , but I do know that the behavior of the citizens and politicians alike have made me long for residence somewhere other than here . I can 't imagine that any bit of legislation is strong enough to be the bringer of the country 's destruction . People should stop acting like it is . CRASH ! ~ Anyone have a Hawaii quarter ? That is the last quarter in the State Series , and it is the only one missing from my collection . I keep hoping that it 'll turn up , as the others have all done , but it should have been floating around for a while , and we still don 't have one . It 's not a obsessive thought in my head daily , but it does float through the Posted by I fed a giraffe today . It was really pretty cool . There 's a giraffe encounter place at Phoenix Zoo , and , honestly , I got peer pressured into participating . It costs $ 3 per person to feed the animals , and I only had $ 5 total , so had to borrow a buck from Nicole . Lack of cash is usually why I avoid the activity . All the same , today , so many moms got in line , Sydney got excited about it , so I was sucked in , too . We waited our turn , got our guide , Mike , to lead us onto the platform , and then were given our lettuce leaves , and what I could only guess is a bit of Giraffe Protein Pellet . When it came down to it , Sydney freaked and wouldn 't go near the giraffe . There 's a line that you are not permitted to cross , since the giraffes can reach the food from your hand when you 're behind it . I stepped up , as I do , and fed the giraffe its protein pellet . Giraffes have really long , really dark black tongues that feel a lot like a dog 's tongue when it brushes your finger . Super cool . Animals that , in my life , I have hand fed : GiraffeHorseGoatSquirrelBlue JayRabbitHamsterParakeet - - I know that feeding Humphrey totally shouldn 't count , but my goodness , he was the frickin ' coolest bird ever . TurtleDuckFishKangaroo I 'm pretty pleased that there wasn 't any Dancing with the Stars results show tonight . I 'm still dealing with the after - effects of last night , and I don 't think I could have handled any more glitter , fringe and sequins this evening . Random accomplishments for the day : 1 . ) I finally bought some reusable cloth grocery store bags . Thank goodness they come in stylish colors . I was able to choose a basic black bag , rather than the green ( which I actually liked better , but didn 't see until we were leaving the store ) , blue ( which was too bright ) , and the pink ( which , surprisingly , was kinda zebra striped ) . 2 . ) I have now finished my second straight day of no fried foods being consumed . No french fries , fried cheese , waffle fries , hamburgers or anything that is really , really yummy . 3 . ) I spent 30 minutes on the treadmill , in my workout Skechers . Honestly , I got sweatier on the treadmill today than I have on the elliptical lately . This also could be because I haven 't worked out in more than a week , due to the cold and general ickiness . 4 . ) I didn 't do any shopping , except the grocery store . A happy checking account begets a happy life . Brian has decided that I hate him on Monday nights from 7 p . m . to 8 p . m . ( Arizona time ) . This is the only time period in which I am utterly and completely in control of both televisions in the house . Bedroom television : DVR recording both Dancing with the Stars and Life Unexpected . Living room television : DVR recording Chuck , and watching DWTS . There is a logic here . I simply can 't sit and watch four hours of necessary television that I don 't start until 8 : 30 p . m . ( I include Castle in that four hours . Chuck waits for tomorrow during school hours . ) The kicker is that the first hour of DWTS , Chuck and Life Unexpected all fall during that 7 to 8 hour , requiring the use of both DVRs . I watch DWTS in the living room because that gives me an hour jump on the DVR backlog , but also because I want Sydney to develop an affection for this ridiculous show . In my dreams , we will , some day soon , watch and squeal and giggle through it together . Because of this monopoly over the televisions , my own TV - obsessed spouse has nowhere to settle down and watch his own combination of Discovery , History and sports programming . He said to me tonight , " Why do you hate me ? " I said , " Whatever , but okay . Yes . Monday nights , from 7 to 8 , you may think that I hate you . " My Dancing with the Stars voting ( 11 votes allowed ) : Chad Ochocinco ~ 2 votes . I follow Ochocinco on Twitter , and appreciate his honesty , forthrightness , and love of McDonald 's . I had heard that he would be a surprise . I 'm agreeing . I like him a lot already . Shannen Doherty ~ 2 votes . I always thought that Doherty got the short end of the stick when it came to her press coverage . I actually loved her on Beverly Hills , 90210 ( Brenda and Dylan 4 - Ever ) , and Charmed . I like her emotional connection to the show because of her dad . Votes ! ! ! Evan Lysacek ~ 2 votes . I know that this show is all about the gold - medal winners , but these votes go strictly to Lysacek 's partner , Anna Trebunskaya . I swear , she 's been on this show since the beginning , and has been shafted with bad partners . I want Posted by 1 . We did buy and watch New Moon yesterday . What I liked about it was that both Brian and I were okay with fast - forwarding through the boring parts . What I didn 't like was that I was suddenly bored with the way Edward and Bella stared at each other . Last night , I found myself , honestly , rolling my eyes . Teenagers and vampires are SO DRAMATIC . 2 . Brian , Sydney and I looked at bikes today . We might actually buy some next weekend . Don 't laugh . It has been decided though that with my bike , we 'll get a trailer rather than a sit - behind seat . We don 't really want me to be responsible for both of us on the bike , instead of just me , who can fall off a bike at any time due to faulty balance issues . I shall keep you updated on that . 3 . I like it better when Sydney naps during the day , but when she doesn 't , this going right to sleep at night without any drama thing is AWESOME . I 'm not going to hide this from you : I will be among those people at Target tomorrow buying my copy of New Moon . I read the books , as I vaguely remember mentioning on the blog here , and didn 't dig them too much . Actually , I totally liked the first three . The fourth ? Meh . But what should be noted is that I am enjoying the movies much more . ( Fun fact to embarrass my husband : he likes them a lot , too . He 'll be in line with me tomorrow , and we 'll probably watch the movie tomorrow night . ) I think my preference for the films relies completely on the fact that , in the movies , you don 't hear a whole lot from Bella 's inner monologue . In the books , Bella ( the main female character ) whines quite a bit . She borders on the ridiculous , with the amount of whining she rolls with throughout the day / night . You can tell she is a teenager because of all the DRAMA in her life . Every little thing is worthy of uppercase letters , and in case you missed it , she 'll throw in an italic for good measure . The movies though , don 't dwell on any of that . That 's the beauty of a movie , it 's all about the eyes , and not so much the inner workings of the mind . New Moon is the second of the Twilight films ; the first being called , conveniently , Twilight . The third film , Eclipse , is scheduled for release June 30 . I 'm very intrigued to see how the fourth film ( Breaking Dawn ) comes out , since it was my least favorite of the four books . I 'm finding it impossible to really believe this , but I think I 'm getting sick again . I 've had a runny nose ever since I arrived in California . That 's not the bad . The bad is the ickiness in my throat . I 've been having this random , weird cough all day today , and it 's pissing me off . It 's kinda phlegmy , actually , not that I really wanted to share that . If it lasts as long as Sydney 's continuing cough , I may be dealing with this for some time . So that will , no doubt , be a recurring theme in blog posts for the next several days . Sorry . Also , holy crap , I 'm tired . I write important notes on my hand . If I had a super - big hand , it still wouldn 't have enough space for all the stuff rolling through my head right now . Written on the thumb : PARK - - Getting up early to meet Nicole and Ella at the park in the morning . Index finger : TARGET - - Go to Target after the park for a list of stuff , including , but not limited to , tissues , king pillow for decor sham , and another swimsuit for Sydney . Middle finger : PBK - - Visit my local Pottery Barn Kids , i . e . , awesome baby store , for a gift for Megan 's shower on Sunday . Ring finger : PACK - - Bags must be packed for the trip to California this weekend . Pinky finger : BATHS - - Everyone needs to be sure to get clean so we can make an early start on Saturday morning . Up and out of the house at 7 a . m . ? Yikes ! ! Palm of hand ( upper ) : SNACKS - - Only a ridiculously foolish mom takes off with a toddler in the backseat for a lengthy road trip without plenty of snacks and munchies . Let 's add toys for the backseat in this category , too . Palm of hand ( lower ) : GOOD HUMOR and REST - - It 's always best to hit the road with a positive attitude , and with bright eyes . Here 's to a decent night 's sleep and a sense of humor come Saturday morning ! Forehead : STARBUCKS - - That is all . I got a ticket today . A member of the city 's finest pulled me over this afternoon , and not for a moving violation . Apparently , the registration on my car expired on January 31 . Expired tags , and a California driver 's license , earned me a ticket , rather than a warning . Honestly , I had no idea the tags had expired . I never got the renewal ; either it didn 't get mailed to me at all , or it got lost in the mail . The police officer figures that , between my moving last year and the Cali license , the Arizona DMV had no idea where to send the renewal . I distinctly remember changing the address on the DMV 's web site after we moved , so was confused as to why I didn 't get the renewal , but that 's neither here nor there . The cop ( I 'll call him that here , since it 's faster to type that than " police officer " every time I refer to him ) took my license , current insurance ( thank goodness I had that ! ! ) , and expired registration and headed off to his car . No doubt all kinds of identity and background searches ensued within the vehicle , because he was in there for 20 minutes or so . Sydney told me at this point , " Mommy , he 's never coming back . " I disagreed , but she kept arguing that . Finally , he came back . . . with the ticket . The general consensus is that , if I had an Arizona license , I probably would have gotten off with a warning . But , with the Cali license that I told him I did not want to give up , he , for whatever reason , decided I needed an actual ticket . These infractions are not moving violations , so they do nothing to my license or insurance . They do , however , piss me off . Not the registration , because obviously , that 's my bad , and if the renewal showed up , I would have paid it . That 's not the kind of thing that I just choose to not pay . No , I am pissy and agitated over giving up the California driver 's license . I always said that I wouldn 't change that license until all I had to change was its address . That we still live in a rental property is an argument that I am still in temporary housing . Mom 's address is my only permanent Posted by You know how that one thing happens that can turn you against a person forever ? You know how everyone has their celebrity pet peeve ? My list of " Celebrities Who Bug Me " is relatively short , though distinguished , including Beyonce , sometimes Jennifer Lopez , John Leguizamo , James Cameron , and one or two others . Today , my list was lengthened by one : Lindsay Lohan . Today , word came out that Lindsay Lohan and her attorney have filed suit against E - Trade , the online financial company , for their Super Bowl ad , in which the babies who talk about trading referred to one of their own - - a baby - - as a " milkaholic " named " Lindsay . " Lohan and her attorney contend that the ad takes a swipe at Lohan herself , and her well - documented issues , which have included drinking . The suit is for $ 100 million for using her name and issues for the benefit of the ad . " Many celebrities are known by one name only , and E - Trade is using that knowledge to profit , " Lohan 's lawyer , Stephanie Ovadia , said in a statement to the New York Post . " They 're using her name as a parody of her life . Why didn 't they use the name Susan ? This is a subliminal message . Everybody 's talking about it and saying it 's Lindsay Lohan . " First of all , Lindsay Lohan is hardly a one - name celebrity . Honestly , is she drunk right now , comparing herself to Oprah , Madonna , Elvis or Whoopi ? Second , I haven 't heard anyone talking about the ad and how it is supposed to be a poke at Lohan . Who really cares about this that isn 't Lohan or the attorney that is charging $ 750 an hour for this suit ? Third , talking babies tend to freak me out . Fourth , well , let 's hear from the ad people : The spokesperson for Grey Group , which produced the " milkaholic " commercial , said that they " just used a popular baby name that happened to be the name of someone on the account team . " To Lohan 's " legal team " : This seems pretty easy to prove or disprove . Check to see if there 's a Lindsay on the ad team , then drop it . You 're bugging me . To Lohan : Get over yourself . Let me just start off by saying this : My mom is awesome . I got a good - sized yellow envelope in the mail today . I was stumped , of course , but especially by the Canadian return address . I had no idea who these people were , and what intrigued me even more was the mailing label , upon which the word " gloves " was listed under its content space . Right there , in the middle of my driveway , I opened this envelope . Springing forth from the open envelope was a red , knit bundle of happiness . I looked again at the return address . Again , no idea who these people were , but they became , all of a sudden , the best people on the planet . I thought that maybe they read about my need for these mittens on the blog here , or somehow from my Facebook page - - creepy instances that freaked me out a bit . But first , I thought to call Brian and Mom . Brian wasn 't able to chat , but I knew that Mom would be the key to this mystery , since stuff like this just doesn 't happen without her fingerprints on it somewhere . So when she called me back , I was all questions . Minutes into the call , she admitted to making the purchase on eBay ( which was why she didn 't immediately recognize the name on the return address label ) , and knew that they would be arriving soon . Um , this is just a fantastic story , isn 't it ? ? ! ! The mittens are warm , wonderfully red , and make me smile every time I look at them . I 've worn them quite a bit this evening . Ridiculous , yes , but still , a warm , happy , fuzzy feeling . Brian got home , and having noticed the frustrated " kid needs to go to bed " look on my face , and the relaying of the latest Daisy - stealing - food - from - the - table story , he said to me , " Wow , if it hadn 't been for those Olympic mittens , someone may have been dead here tonight . " We watched the movie 2012 tonight . I don 't like these kinds of movies , even though I do . It 's always good to see stories about the strength of the human spirit . Also , it 's always good to see John Cusack , Oliver Platt and Danny Glover . But this also , is another argument for the positives of living in the middle of the country . Washington , D . C . destroyed ; Los Angeles destroyed . The middle of the country was spared from the huge tsunamis bowling over the coasts . Actually , the complete destruction of L . A . and its surrounding areas was disturbing enough for me to be clutching Brian 's hand throughout that sequence . Ridiculous , yes , but still , a powerful enough earthquake could bring untold destruction . I like it better when stuff is destroyed by aliens , or volcanoes or something . Earthquakes really happen there . I 'm watching that Parenthood show right now . I recorded it from earlier in the week , and am just now sitting down to enjoy it . You know who drew me to it , is the actress Lauren Graham . I love her from Gilmore Girls , and was so excited to see that she was attached to another television show . But there are a ton of recognizable faces on this show . Currently though , it 's being presented to me with limited commercial interruptions by Nissan , which also ferries families around . Not at all lost on me are the commercial breaks bursting with , yes , Nissan ads , but also with ads for the show . . . Parenthood . Weird ? Seems like a lost opportunity to promote other shows , like Chuck , who need the extra attention . I 'm about done with it now , and think I 'll be keeping it on my viewing rotation . The last thing in the world I need is another show to watch , as I am being drawn into the world of Dancing with the Stars against my will , but I 'll work on this one . I 'm still bummed that I let The Good Wife get away from me over the last several months . I need more hours in the day to watch television , you know . . . more hours . I 'm in a nervous snit right now . One of my favorite shows , the awesome Glee , is hitting the road for a national , ( though ) four - city , tour in May of this year . The cities are Los Angeles , Chicago , New York , and . . . wait for it . . . Phoenix . This could be , quite possibly , one of the coolest things to ever happen to this town . I love that this is happening here ! The show in Phoenix is on May 18 . Tickets , I 've heard and read , go on sale March 12 . But for those of us with American Express cards , pre - sale tickets should be available tomorrow morning . This sounds great , but I 've got to tell you , I can 't find the Phoenix show even listed on the Ticketmaster web site . Does this mean that they were lying about the Phoenix show ? No , all indications and press releases still list Phoenix . The only pre - sale tickets on the site are for New York and L . A . Does this mean that us people in Phoenix and Chicago are out of luck so far as getting pre - sale tickets ? Perhaps . But I 'm getting super nervous about this not happening for me , and Katy , and Lisa , and Brian - - though he doesn 't think he 's really going to go with us . Actually , now that I 've spent some time thinking about it , and again realizing that the pre - sale also didn 't include Chicago , I 'm feeling a little less insecure about the lack of listing on Ticketmaster . I 've signed up for the alert for both Glee and the Dodge Theater , where the show will be performed . I am so excited about this concert ! ! Our summer is coming together lately , and we may just have an awesome one , despite the fact that we live here in the frickin ' heat of the desert . First , the grassy knoll in the backyard is looking good , though it 'll still be several days before it 's lush and beautiful . Still , it 's on the mend , and I 'm really pleased with how we have refurbished our yard . Second , Sydney had her first swim lesson this afternoon , and she totally loved it . In fact , as we left the building , she asked if we could go back to swim school , " right now . " She really enjoyed it , and didn 't seem to mind at all that I was behind the window , just watching . I like that she felt comfortable without me , and with the new teacher . Let 's see how next week goes , but this was a fantastic start . Third , a lot of Sydney 's summer clothes from last year are fitting her this year . We put a pair of shorts on her this afternoon and they fit just fine around the waist still . I 'd like to have a couple pairs of her capris from last summer hemmed up to shorts though . Also , this won 't stop me from getting her a new pair ( or three ) of shorts this summer . Fourth , my new assertion that we will do more , as a family , this year is foremost in my plans . Going outside is always a sketchy proposition during the summer , as it 's hot as hell outside , but I really want us to do some good family - style things . Like I said , our summer is off to a good start . I 'm tired . I had every intention of writing a spectacularly witty blog post tonight , but then got sidetracked by a movie that Brian and I have been wanting to sit and watch . Unfortunately , the movie wasn 't started until 10 p . m . , and rolled straight through to 11 : 45 p . m . Leaving me exactly 45 minutes less , to do anything that I wanted to get done this evening . ( That was a random sentence . Read it a couple times and it 'll make better sense . ) Anyway , here I sit on the bed jamming out an incomprehensible post that , tomorrow morning , I 'll stare at and shake my head in shame . Good night ! Dancing with the Stars announced its cast for the tenth season tonight . It is unimpressive . Like I just said on Amy 's Facebook page , there is maybe a single " star , " or two , who I am at all interested in seeing on the program . I think I may need to bow out of the viewing of the show again . Here are the stars that will be premiering on the show March 22 : * Evan Lysacek , Olympic gold medalist in men 's figure skating . We just saw him struggling through a skating routine with snakes wrapped around his torso . Now , he 'll be dancing . * Pamela Anderson , actress . Wow . What , on earth , are those costume designers going to put on her ? * Chad Ochocinco , football player . I follow Ochocinco on Twitter , and find him to be funny , honest and sometimes funny . He and Lysacek are the stars I 'd maybe like to see . * Aiden Turner , required ABC soap star . * Erin Andrews , ESPN broadcaster . Another bit of Disney nepotism . * Shannen Doherty , actress . I prefer her on Charmed . * Buzz Aldrin , really old former astronaut . He 's , like , 80 . I 'm afraid he 'd have a heart attack , honestly . * Niecy Nash , actress . * Nicole Scherzinger , a Pussycat Doll . I 'm going to sound old right now , but the idea of a Pussycat Doll a bit offensive . * Kate Gosselin , mom of eight . * Jake Pavelka , former Bachelor . This cast is bad , I think , for my head . There are too many people I don 't care about , and too many I do know of , but am not interested in seeing on my television once a week . There 's too much oddity here for me to get obsessive about it . Too much . . . potentially upsetting crazy in one space . Yeah , I think I 'll pass on this season . I don 't think I told you that Brian and I did a good amount of yard work this past weekend . We spent the before - the - rain hours of Saturday morning laying soil , re - seeding and fertilizing our lawn in the backyard . You 'd be proud of us . While Brian aerated the soil , I was able to take the time to trim up the bougainvillea along the interior wall of the yard . Once he finished , he poured out the soil while I ( on my hands and knees ! ! ) spread the soil evenly over the space . NOTE : We did have to go to Home Depot at this point to get more soil . The guy who helped us originally had no idea how much soil this would take . On his advice , we bought one bag initially ; it ended up taking four bags to cover our ACREAGE . Having spread the soil , Brian did the seeding , and then we spread out the fertilizer . To keep a lot of the birds out , we then spread more soil atop the layers . From then and for the next two weeks , it 's all about water , water , water . The soil and seeds must stay moist , so we 're to water the space three times a day . Our lives this month are about watering the grass . Hence , the gardener - with - watering - can avatar . I 'm really pretty excited about having a green lawn again . The general consensus though , is that I over - watered the grass last spring , summer and fall , which accounts for the unhealthy look of it towards the end of the summer and into the fall . I 'll certainly be mindful of that going forward into the grassy months of this year .
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If you have a few minutes , please go read it . Share it on Facebook and Twitter . Comment on it . Rate it . Any way you can spread the word or give feedback would be greatly appreciated . Since the guest blog post reveals my name , I guess my anonymity is gone for anyone who links to it from this blog . But I 'm OK with that . The important thing is getting the word out and helping to break the stigma associated with addiction . We just received word today that our younger son ( he 's 16 ) was accepted into a wonderful therapeutic school in northern Michigan that specializes in teaching kids with ADD / ADHD . The last two years in public high school have been very difficult for him , even with an Individualized Education Program ( IEP ) in place . Yes , the school made certain accommodations for him ; but he was still being taught in a mainstream classroom . And that type of learning didn 't work for him . The school he 'll be attending this year is incredibly expensive . Even with a substantial amount of financial assistance , I 'm not totally sure we 'll be able to afford the tuition and board . But my wife and I are committed to getting our # 2 son the best education possible . We don 't want him to just skate by and barely pass in a public high school . We want educators who know how to teach ADHD kids to bring out the wealth of intelligence , creativity , and potential that lives inside our son . After touring the school last week , our son said he thought going there could be " life changing " for him . My wife and I agree and are willing to make whatever sacrifices we have to in order to give him this opportunity . He 'll be in a beautiful setting - - right on the shores of Lake Michigan - - and will be experiencing a unique , hands - on type of learning . Gotta run now . We have to leave bright and early Friday morning to go up north , because we have to deliver our son to school on Saturday morning . That doesn 't leave much time to shop for a boatload of things , pack , etc . This all happened so quickly . But we 're so very glad it happened . ( Although , as of Saturday afternoon my wife and I will be " empty nesters . " That is going to be very strange . ) It 's been a while since I 've posted about my son , but in this instance , no news is good news . My son is doing quite well , staying clean , doing the things he 's supposed to be doing at his sober living house , going to meetings , driving regularly ( practicing so he can get his full - blown license ) , etc . He still doesn 't have a regular full - time job , but he does occasionally work for the owner of his house , cleaning windows , painting , and doing other home maintenance work . I 've seen two major changes in my son since he 's been back in Michigan . The first is increased self - esteem . This might sound silly to some , but my son actually posted a picture of himself smiling on his Facebook page the other night . When I saw it , I almost burst into tears . I think it 's the first picture he 's ever posted of himself where he has a smile on his face . To see it made me incredibly happy . The other change I 've seen in my son is maturity . Since returning from Georgia , my son seems to have matured quite a bit . I 've mentioned it here before , but my son kind of got " stuck " emotionally at around age 15 . This is not an uncommon thing among addicts . In fact , it 's widely believed that a person 's emotional age can indeed get stuck with drug use . Like this article says , " Emotional age is fluid and adjustable , unlike physical age which advances in a predictable way over time . People with drug and alcohol addiction often hold on to less mature ideas and behaviors that don 't enhance their life . When they use drugs and alcohol to cope with . . . problems , they stunt their My son was stuck for a long time , but he seems to be learning how to handle adult situations better than he ever has before . He 's also learning more about life in general . It feels like his emotional age is finally catching up with his chronological age . And believe me , that 's a wonderful thing to see . So that 's my update . There have been a whole lot of other things going on in my life lately : Crazy stuff at work , my parents getting ready to move to a smaller apartment , refinancing a mortgage , looking for a new school for my younger son ( who has ADHD issues ) , etc . Sure , things have been hectic and stressful , but I 'm still doing my best to live in the moment and take things - - and days - - one at a time . Letting go of the resentment towards my dad has certainly helped set me free , too . I honestly never thought I 'd be rid of that pain . A Facebook friend of mine posted a saying today that really said it all : " Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got . " This is just so wrong on so many levels . Very sad , I think . Mountain Dew is releasing a " Premium Malt Flavored , " non - alcoholic version of its soda . ( In case you aren 't aware , Mountain Dew is very popular among kids . ) I think it 's safe to say that the can even looks like a beer can . Gee , this won 't put young kids on the road to drinking alcoholic beverages at a young age , will it ? I 'm sorry , but this makes me sick . Shame on you , Mountain Dew . I went to where they posted this photo on their Facebook page and left a negative comment about this new product . If you agree , I urge you to do the same . Here 's the link to that page . I also plan on sending my opinion to PepsiCo , which is the company that owns the Mountain Dew brand . Here 's a link to the Contact page at their website . They 're going to get an earful from me . Of all the blog posts I 've sat down to write , this one might very well be the toughest . But I 'm going to try and get through it . Ironically , this post has absolutely nothing to do with my son - - who , by the way , seems to be doing fine right now . This post has to do with my 86 - year - old father . I 've mentioned my father in this blog a few times before , but I 've never really discussed him in depth . So here 's some background information . For as long as I can remember , my father has been an alcoholic . Pretty much all of my childhood memories of him revolve around his drinking . I remember countless car rides where I was scared to death , wondering if I 'd make it home alive because my dad was driving drunk . I remember running and hiding in my room when my dad came home from work because I knew that he would be drunk . I remember worrying that he would burn the house down when he passed out on the living room couch with a burning cigarette in his hand . ( If I had a dollar for every time I tiptoed into the living room and very carefully took that cigarette out of his hand , I 'd be rich . ) I remember the multiple DUIs and the multiple parked cars he hit while driving drunk . ( Thank God he never hurt anyone . ) And I remember him calling me and asking me to come bail him out of jail after his last DUI ( which I did ) . I remember never being able to have friends sleep over at my house as a kid because of the potential embarrassment and humiliation I would feel if my dad came home drunk and passed out in the living room , snoring and gurgling and coughing like he did . I remember the time friends dropped me off at home late one night and we found my dad sitting in his car in the driveway . The driver 's door was open , the car was running , and my dad had one leg out of the car . But he was passed out . I remember telling my friends that night that my dad must have been really tired from a long day at work . I don 't know if they bought that explanation or not . I remember being in restaurants and watching my dad down two or three Club Manhattans on the rocks before he even opened a menu . I remember one particular instance when my dad got into a shouting match with my mom at a restaurant . He actually stood up at the table and started yelling , creating quite a scene . My mom and I got up and left . We took a cab home . I remember the giant bottles of Canadian Club whiskey my dad used to buy . And the office lamps he had them made into after they were empty . There was also the " OUT FOR A GLASS OF LUNCH " sign on his desk . And the fact that he spent a good portion of his work day - - he owned his own business - - at the bar down the street , where his secretary would call him if anything came up . I think you get the idea by now . In my mind , my father robbed me of my childhood , and even some of my early adulthood . We never really had a relationship . And over the years , what relationship we did have became more and more strained . For a long time , I hated my father . Hate is a strong word , but that is truly how I felt . I resented growing up without a father , even though I technically had one . I wouldn 't want to talk to him or see him . The phone would ring , the Caller ID would show my dad 's number , and I wouldn 't answer . Or call him back . If I called my parents ' house and my dad answered , I would often times hang up . That 's how bad things were between us . A lot of my resentment also stemmed from a period several years ago when my dad got sober for a while and got very active in Alcoholics Anonymous . Unfortunately , he never did anything about Steps Eight and Nine , which tell the alcoholic that they should make a list of all the people they have harmed , be willing to make amends to them all , and make direct amends to such people whenever possible . I never got any kind of apology from my father . Never . Ever . Even to this day . I discussed my issues with my father many times with my therapist , my wife , other family members , and even a few friends . A lot of them told me that I should reach out to my father and try to repair the relationship , and that if I didn 't I would regret it someday . But I just couldn 't accept the suggestion that I should be the one to make the first move . After all , I did nothing wrong . My dad ruined my childhood and it was up to me to fix our relationship ? That made no sense to me . ( For the record , my therapist told me it was strictly up to me , and that I had to decide what to do based on how I felt . ) Fast forward to June of this year . My dad went to the Veteran 's Hospital in Detroit for a routine check - up . They found some irregularities in his heartbeat and blood pressure and decided to keep him overnight for observation . To make a long story short , he ended up being in the hospital for a couple of weeks , during which time the doctors also detoxed him from alcohol . Unfortunately , while he was hospitalized my dad started suffering from dementia ( possibly brought on by the detox ) . This was an incredibly sad development , and all I could think about was that I had probably missed my chance at any type of reconciliation . I was okay with that - - I really didn 't have much choice - - but it still made me sad . From the hospital , my dad went to an extended care facility for rehab and physical therapy . It was hard for me , but I went to visit him several times . He was " different " during these visits . Me , my wife , my siblings , and my mom all recognized this . He was a kinder , gentler person , and a soft side of his personality that we hadn 't seen before - - or at least in a very long time - - came out . Even so , he would be having a normal conversation with us and then suddenly switch over to telling us some nonsensical story that he thought was real . My heart would break when this would happen . But we all just went along with it and accepted that things would be different now . My dad spent four weeks at the extended care facility and when it was time for him to be released my mom asked me if I would help her get him home . I would do anything for my mom , so I agreed to help her . I also took my son with me , just in case I needed more help . To be honest , none of us really knew how physically able my dad would be ; and my parents live in a second story flat . I had visions of possibly having to carry my father up the stairs , which I was more than willing to do if it was necessary . When we arrived at my parents ' house , my dad insisted on trying to get out of the car and up the stairs by himself . Amazingly , he was able to do just that . My son and I followed behind him as he negotiated the stairway . But he made it all the way without any problems . My mom even told him that he handled the stairs better than he did before he went into the hospital . My dad sat down in " his spot " on the couch and my son and I went down to the car to get all of his belongings . We brought everything upstairs and before we left I found the strength to actually sit down on the couch next to my dad . I told him I was glad he was feeling better and that he looked much better to me . This is where things get a little bizarre . My father looked me in the eye and thanked me for helping him get home . " I can always count on you , " he told me . " You 're always around when I need you . I appreciate that . " After hearing that , I stood up , gave my dad a big hug , kissed him on the cheek , and said , " I love you . " And as I let go of him and moved away from him , I felt something very strange happen . It 's impossible to describe exactly how it felt , but in that moment I could feel an incredible weight being lifted off of my shoulders . I felt all the resentment and hatred and negative feelings about my dad disappear . And suddenly , I was at peace . Some of you reading that last paragraph might think I 'm crazy . In fact , for a couple of days I thought I might be crazy . Which is why I waited to tell my wife what I had felt . I wanted to see if I still felt that way after some time had passed . And I did . So I eventually told my wife and sent an e - mail to my sisters and my mom . I told them that I was alright with everything now . Forty - plus years of resentment and hatred towards my father , and it all disappeared in what my wife might describe as a " God moment . " ( By the way , it 's just a coincidence that my dad 's initials are G . O . D . ) I never thought it would happen . Never . Ever . I always thought my dad would die and I would feel the resentment and hatred until the day I died . But that 's all changed now . Better late than never . " Make the call . Send the card . Bury the grudge . " - - Regina Brett ( from her book Be the Miracle : 50 Lessons for Making the Impossible Possible ) Just wanted to share some exciting news . I 've been asked by an amazing organization called " Heroes in Recovery " to be a guest blogger on their website . Heroes in Recovery " celebrates the heroic efforts of those who seek the addiction and mental health help they need without feeling ashamed or isolated . " Evidently , these folks follow my blog and like it . So they asked me to write a blog post for them . I must say , getting asked to do this was quite humbling . When I started my blog , it was primarily just to have an outlet to share my feelings . I had been keeping a journal for quite some time , but having my thoughts collected in a Word document seemed strange . I decided to start blogging instead , on the off chance that maybe someone else might benefit from reading about my experiences as the parent of an addict . I figured if I could help just one person , it would be worth it . But I never expected something like this to happen . Thanks so much to the wonderful people at Heroes in Recovery for giving me an opportunity . I am truly grateful . You can look for my guest blog sometime in late August , I believe . Or maybe September . ( I guess the first thing I have to do is actually write the piece ! ) I hope I don 't disappoint . My oldest son is a person in long - term recovery from addiction who has also struggled with severe depression and anxiety . Me ? I do the best I can , living in the moment and working on my own recovery , one day at a time . Sometimes one hour at a time . This blog helps . My hope is that it might help you , too . Addiction can happen to anyone . You are not alone . ( Feel free to get in touch with me using the Contact Form further down in this column . )
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A very big , fat book entitled " Architectural Excellence - 500 Iconic Buildings " appeared on the " new book " rack at the Corona Public Library last week and one peek inside was enough to cause me to lug it up to the circulation desk and take it home with me . It is fascinating , and I can already tell that two weeks isn 't going to be nearly long enough to sort through it the way I want to . The blurb on the inside cover says , " Architectural Excellence presents 500 iconic buildings from around the world that represent distinction in architectural design and significance to human history , through five millenia , in all cultures and on all continents . . . . This comprehensive volume covers architectural styles throughout history , from Neolithic and Ancient Egyptian to High Tech and Eclectic Modern , and features works by the greatest architects - both known and lesser known - from our own times and from centuries past . " The first section concerns itself with the Ancient World to 500 CE . And what stunned me when I opened the book was that in the first section was a picture of Uchisar in Cappadoccia , Turkey , which is pictured above with Jerry and me standing in front of it . Now granted the rock itself is not architecture , but the substance of that outcropping is from " tufa , " consolidated volcanic ash that over the millenia has been eroded by centuries of winds and rains . " Civilizations from the ancient to the medieval constantly wrestled for control . It was in the folds of these lunar dunes that the early Christians took refuge from a persecuting Roman war machine , and where a stand was made against the tides of Arab invaders encroaching upon Byzantine territory . " They were able to carve living accomodations deep inside the tufa , where a good defense could be made . When Jerry and I stood in front of Uchisar to have our picture taken , we knew its history , but it wasn 't until I opened this book and saw its features as the very earliest structure of note that I got the full impact of what we had seen . ( Now I have to tell you right herPosted by Long before I ever began doing genealogical research I was fascinated by cemeteries - not only the look and feel of the cemetery but also the individual tombstones . Except for the flat - as - pancakes " Memorial Parks " that are in favor today and which have no ambience whatsoever , there is nothing I like more than a cemetery with character . When I was five and my sister three , my dad used to take us for walks in the old pioneer cemetery in Whittier , California . My mother always threw a fit about us going ; she felt walking on the graves was desecrating them . My dad held tightly to our hands as we crossed Beverly Boulevard to get to the cemetery , and I 'm sure it was that closeness to him , as well as his interest in the tombstone inscriptions and his helping us to identify the letters of the alphabet on them , that gave both sis and me a similar feeling about cemeteries . We loved ' em . Thank goodness cemeteries are not alike . My cousin photographs tombstones in rural North Carolina for Find - A - Grave , and those cemeteries do not look like California 's cemeteries . Nor does this Alabama cemetery , with a house built over some tombstones , look like anything I 've seen before . On the internet I found this charming picture of some grave markers found in a Guatemala cemetery . Oh , I could go for this kind of headstone , were I to be buried and not cremated . And in a Moscow cemetery I found this really lovely artwork . I wonder about the life that it represents . . . . something I will never know . I was surprised to see the full - to - overflowing Jewish cemtery in Manchester , England where Jerry 's mom 's relatives are all buried . There 's not a blade of grass to be found . And the Internet provided this most dramatic marker ! Again , what is the story behind this beautiful piece of art ? I wonder . But my most favorite cemetery is the one I did my research in when I lived in Istanbul . It was the Protestant Cemetery , and in it was an American section where burials of American Citizens who died in Istanbul as early as 1832 were held . In the book I prepared forPosted by I imagine not too many people make chicken and dumplings anymore . But this old fashioned dish is perfect for cold winter evenings . Many years ago I found a recipe for a somewhat different dumpling , and it was so tasty that I 've used it ever since . I 'll pass it on to you all who still put meals on the table that aren 't either frozen or " take - out . " See what you think of it . PARSLEY SCALLION DUMPLINGS1 cup all - purpose flour3 teaspoons double - acting baking powder ½ teaspoon salt1 large egg , beaten lightly1 / 3 cup plus 2 tablespoons milk ½ cup minced fresh parsley leaves ¼ cup minced scallionparsley sprigs for garnishInto a bowl sift together the flour , the baking powder , and the salt . In a small bowl combine the egg , the milk , the minced parsley , and the scallion , add the mixture to the flour mixture , and stir the batter until it is justcombined . Drop tablespoons of the batter about 1 - 1 / 2inches apart onto a buttered heatproof large plate , set the plateon a rack over simmering water , and steam the dumplings , covered , for 12 minutes . Transfer the dumplings to a heatedserving dish and garnish them with the parsley sprigs . Serves 4 . Two items to note : The first is that scallions are simply green onions with a fancy name . The second is that instead of cooking my dumplings separately by steaming them , about 15 minutes before I am ready to serve dinner I crop the dough on top the chicken that is still cooking . The dough puffs up into nice dumplings - and you should taste how good the moist under - sides are ! Anyway , give it a try . It 's really yummy . Except for the US government , I think probably genealogists are far more interested in the censuses than anyone else . In fact , we get downright excited about them . Have you ever looked at a digitized copy of your family as they appeared on a census ? The National Archives branches have microfilmed copies of all the censuses from the first , taken in 1790 , to the most recently released census , taken in 1930 . And there are a couple of places on the internet that enable you to see the digitized copies . Here 's why we get excited : above is a copy of the 1920 Federal Census for Caldwell County , Kansas - not the whole page but a portion of the page where the family of my mother and grandmother are shownYou can see my whole family : My grandpa Byrd Ryland ( the census taker wrote it down the way he heard it ) , my grandma Jessie , and all my aunts and uncles when they were little kids . Uncle Bob , Aunt Florence , my mother Virginia , Aunt Marie , and Uncle Bert . My Uncle Hugh and Aunt Margie were both born after 1920 , so they don 't appear . It also shows my Great Grandfather , James A . Ryland , as well as the ages for all of them . So we genealogists love censuses . It tells us thing about our families that perhaps we didn 't know . Censuses are kept private for 70 years , and then it takes about another two years for them to be readied for public viewing . The 1930 census was released for viewing in 2002 . The 1940 census will appear about 2012 . And there I will be able to see myself listed as a little 5 year old ! The US is gearing up for the 2010 census that will capture what our nation looks like at this point in time . Census takers are being trained , materials are being readied , and lots of publicity can be found in newspapers and TV stressing the importance of being counted . And it IS important to be counted . 310 million Americans will get their census questionnaires in the mail sometimes in mid - March . There will be some individual census takers following up personally when questionnaires aren 't mailed back to the government . AndBobby Dobbins Title I have been trying to talk Jerry into carrying a stylish men 's purse - not a purse like I have , although mine is no longer called a purse but a satchel , but he 's not buying a word of my " talk " and certainly not of " style . " Maybe 10 years or so ago one began seeing men carrying tidy little leather - well , what else is there to call them except " purses . " They were not at all like what a woman would carry . I 'm assuming the men could carry in them their wallet , a note pad , a handkerchief , credit cards , a pen or pencil and whatever else men carry . I thought - and still think - that they look pretty nifty , and very masculine . In a nutshell , stylish but with great usefulness . But Jerry is old school . Men do not carry purses . Men do not wear sandals . Men do not wear necklaces . Oh , so many things men do not do . Lately I see that the smallish men 's purse is no longer de rigueur and now the " in " look is to carry a " messenger bag . " I 'm thinking how to approach Jerry to make him receptive now to carrying one of these trendy " messenger bags , " though I honestly don 't see that he 's going to budge an inch on his " men don 't do … . " list . It doesn 't have to be a designer bag , although there are plenty of those on the market . But a casual medium sized bag could stand in for the briefcase he always carried when he went off to work every morning , and now that he 's retired and active in the community he could find plenty of things to use it for . When we go out anywhere , he often asks me to hold his little medical kit he must keep with him . He asks me if I have change because he doesn 't like to keep change in his pocket , and often he 's in need of some cough - drops that I carry in my purse . If he forgets his pen he knows that I always have an extra one in my purse , as well as a piece of paper for notes . I carry the checkbook because he really doesn 't like to be bothered and he knows that I have it . I think if he just would let himself try a messenger bag out for a while , he would Bobby Dobbins Title If I had to pick an inanimate object to represent my life , what would I pick ? And why would I even think of doing this in the first place ? It 's all because of a feature article in this morning 's LA Times that talks about the evolving field of designing urns for one 's ashes . And just as I never am able to pass a survey by without taking it , neither can I not rise to the challenge of figuring out what urnable object best represents my understanding of my life . The newspaper features some very interesting and actually quite beautiful urns . Even the urns that I laughed at were beautiful in their own way . And yes , I did laugh at some of them . One was the body of a fish that had two chicken - like legs holding the front end of the fish up , making a graceful swoop of the fish body , which of course is where the deceased 's ashes were contained . I can see that urn being used by one of two people - those who thought evolution was preposterous , such as a religious conservative , or those who thought otherwise , a scientist or a biologist , maybe . Anyway , it made me laugh and if I fell into one of those categories I would certainly want people to laugh at my ashes . There was another " urn " that caught my eye . It is a birdfeeder - like a seed bell , but looked like a gourd birdhouse with a little hole in the side . Under the hole was a perch inscribed with the deceased 's statistics . Now the uniqueness of this urn is that it is made of bird seed , beeswax and the deceased 's ashes . It is meant to be hung outside and eaten up by finches or chickadees . Now this probably will be an off - putting idea to many people - but I find it a great idea to signify one 's understanding of the impermanency of human life . From ashes to ashes , dust to dust , you know . Perhaps this one appeals to me because for the last five years Jerry and I have purchased dozens and dozens of birdseed bells and hung them on a wrought - iron staff outside our front window to watch the birds eat at the seeds . This year I told him that I was finished with thPosted by In my time of researching both in Istanbul and the U . S . for information on the lives of people buried in the Protestant Cemetery in Ferikoy - Istanbul , I learned that many of those early people were missionaries connected to the American Board of Commissions for Foreign Missions . Many books were written by these missionaries and one that I found especially interesting was entitled CONSTANTINOPLE OLD AND NEW by H . B . Dwight , Chas . Scribner & Sons , N . Y . , 1915 . It is hard to find some of these books now and I was lucky to come across one in the Los Angeles Public Library . I took lots of notes from it and will share one with you , about the Mosque shown above . Kilic Ali Pasha Mosque was built by an Italian who was born in Calabria . Captured by Algerian pirates , he turned Turk after 14 years in the galleys and changed his name of Ochiali to Oulouj Ali - Big Ali . He then became a commander of Galleys . At the battle of Lepanto he saved a shred of Turkish honor by capturing the flagship of the Knights of Malta , turning the squadron of Doria and bringing 40 galleys safely back to Constantinople . For this exploit he was made high admiral of the fleet , and his name was turned into Sword Ali - Kilij Ali . An interesting sidelight is thrown on this picturesque character from so unexpected a source as the novel of " Don Quixote " . In Chapter 32 of the first part of that book , in which the captive relates his life and adventures , Cervantes tells with very little deviation from the fact , how he himself lost his left hand at the battle of Lepanto , how 4 years later he was captured by pirates and then taken to Algiers , and how he lived there five years as the slave of a cruel Albanian master . Trying then to escape , he was caught and brought for trial before a personage whom he calls Uchali , but who was none other than our friend Kilij Ali . The upshot of the matter was that the builder of our beautiful mosque bought the author of our immortal novel , whom he treated with great kindness and presently accepted for him , in 1581 , the very modPosted by When people today think of Frasier , they think of Kelsey Grammer as Dr . Frasier Crane in both " Cheers " and in his own sitcom , " Frasier . " But in spite of the fact that I cleared the deck of all distractions when either of those programs were shown in their weekly ( and yearly ) runs , it is not Frasier Crane that I think of when I hear the word " Frasier . " You can 't have lived in Orange County , California , without thinking that the real Frasier was the charming , old tongue - lopping lion down in Irvine at Lion County Safari whose hanky - panky was reported all the time in our local newspapers . In case you don 't remember the story , the Lion Country Safari came into being in the early 70s , and if you really wanted to see wild animals , this was the place to go . There were monkeys and hippos and ostriches and giraffes and all kinds of birds - and yes , lots of lions . Frasier was not what you would call a ferocious lion . He was more like the lion who would plop himself down next to a lamb . He was purchased well used from a circus in Mexico . Enough of his teeth were missing that his tongue always was hanging out the side of his mouth . And his idea of fun was to lie on his back with his feet sticking up , face tipped so his tongue could hang out sideways and go sound asleep in the wonderful fresh ocean air that drifted over the hills and into the Irvine area . How much fear does one have of a lion who simply looks silly whether awake or asleep . But what was reported on so much by the newspapers was that Frasier was given a harem of lovely lady lions , and in his waning years he decided he might as well get a few good licks in if the ladies were willing . They were . I think in his two years or so of Orange County living he managed to add about 35 little cubs to the park . Residents of Orange County were consistently being treated to newspaper photos of the little guys , and they were awfully cute , but it was Frasier whom we loved . We cheered the old guy on ; more power to him ! But he was old to start with when he came to tPosted by The advertisement in the paper said " Free Armonica Concert " Sunday afternoon at St . Michaels Episcopal Church in Riverside . Thinking with glee that I had caught the newspaper in a funny typo , I made an assumption that the " H " had been left off " harmonica . " But then a thought hit me that a church is an awfully strange place for a Harmonica to be played . " The Old Rugged Cross " on a Harmonica ? I thought not . Just to be on the safe side I ran a google search on " Armonica " and was I surprised . There is such a musical instrument . It was invented by Benjamin Franklin and he was so taken with it he played it throughout his entire life . In England in 1761 he had heard wet fingers being rubbed on water - filled crystal wine glass rims to produce certain tones , which then were turned into music by rubbing them in the right sequence . Franklin took the idea back to America and developed the Armonica , not using the wine glasses but glass bowls instead . Basically , through holes in the center of the bowls , he threaded them onto a long metal spit and held the bowls apart by using corks . He then put this " spit " onto a rotisserie - type gadget that was rotated by means of a foot pedal . Armed with a bowl of water to keep his fingers wet , Franklin began massaging the glass rims , learning how to make music with his fingers and thus he became the world 's first Armonica player . Luckily for us , there couldn 't have been more than 30 people in attendance , so instead of holding the concert in the Church sanctuary , we were moved to an all - purpose room , with folding chairs set almost within arms distance of this amazing musical instrument . But even better , the decision to move it from the sanctuary meant that we got to watch the musician , William Wilde Zeitler , assemble the instrument from scratch . All the pieces came in a huge trunk on wheels . A wooden table on which the instrument was to sit had to be assembled with screws and screwdrivers . Once up , the glass bowls on a spit ( that is my description of what it looked like , Posted by In 1980 Jer and I took an organized tour to Egypt and Israel , a tour arranged by American Express . We spent 6 days in Egypt , 2 days in Jordan and then a final 6 days in Israel . We had a great guide - a young French fellow named Louis ( Lou - ee , he was called ) and we felt comfortable under his shepherding . Egypt was every bit as amazing as we anticipated . The reason Jordan was on the itinerary was because that is where the famous rose - colored city of Petra is located . From Amman it was a simple bus ride over the Allenby bridge and into Jerusalem , a distance as the crow flies of about 44 miles . Before we got off the bus at the Israel border , Louie gave us a lecture . He said this would be the most important thing we heard during our time together . He advised that going through customs here will be a rigorous ordeal . He said safety is a primary concern of Israel and we will be asked to do things that may irritate us . He said when we go in the door , we are to put our bags on a table and will be asked to completely empty them of the contents . He said not to ask for exceptions to be made , do not be embarrassed , don 't crack jokes , don 't complain . He said the bags will be taken away and x - rayed to make sure there are no bombs or other such implements secreted in them somewhere . He said our clothing and makeup will be inspected , and when the bags come back we will be expected to repack them and set them at the door to be put on the bus . He said we would be body - searched and perhaps asked some questions . He told us this was not a social event , not to try to make chit - chat with the inspectors , and whether we do things like this in America is beside the point ; in Israel this is what they do to maintain the safety of their people , their cities and their country . We listened to Louis and we were a compliant group . It took a long time to accomplish , but that was not only because of the repacking . Jerry , being the only Jewish soul on the tour , was taken away to what he later said was an interrogation room and there he was quesPosted by I admit it . I am a fast driver . On freeways I try to set my cruise control at 4 miles over the posted speed limit ( sometimes here in Southern California it is 65 mph and other times 70 , depending on urban or rural sections ) . When I do that , I am totally blown away by drivers passing me on both sides . If my choice is to get in the outside lane and stay at speed limit ; my risk is that a ) I will be run over by big semi - trucks , b ) I will have one of them topple over on me , which toppling is a common occurance on our freeways , or c ) I will have my vision totally obliterated because I 'm caught in a pocket between trucks . If I drive in any other than the outside lanes at the posted speed limit , I run the risk of being shot at by one of the many people who think road rage is an acceptable excuse for picking slow drivers off the freeway . So depending on the freeway road conditions , I more often than not exceed my own " 4 miles over speed limit " rule and stay with the flow of traffic . I know I am breaking the law and I know that I will get ticketed for it if I am pulled over by a CHP officer , but I also know that most of the times the CHP officers are passing me by on the left and the right anyway , so odds are I won 't get caught . I hope , I hope ! On the city streets a whole different set of circumstances exist . Obviously , on a heavily trafficked street , one has to go with the flow of traffic . As often as not the cars are all driving beyond the posted speed limit . I admit I mostly do not watch for signs that tell the speed limit , except when there are few cars on the road and I have an option of slowing down without snarling up traffic . I do try to drive the posted speed limit . But I know there are times , when conditions are optimum , that I will go a bit faster than I the signs say I should . It 's kind of a " why crawl down an empty road at 15 mph ? " Now our Governator Schwartzenegger has decided he wants to balance California 's budget by installing speed sensors on red - light cameras to catch - and ticket - speeding cars . He uses BPosted by In my local newspaper earlier this week there was a huge article with a picture showing a British vicar blessing Blackberries , computers and other such electronic gadgets . He did this at what was called a " Back - to - Work Ceremony . " This vicar at a prestigious church in London said that just as in the old days we blessed scythes and other farming implements dragged to the church door , now it was appropriate to give that blessing to the tools of the modern workplace - Blackberries , cellphone and computers . His thinking was that the ceremony made worship " lively and relevant " to the people who worked in the nearby financial district . My , my , my . And then I read ( and hear ) that old Pat Robertson right here in the US says that Haiti 's trouble is caused by a pact they made with the devil hundreds of years ago . If you had looked carefully you would have seen me snorting when I read of the British ceremony and you would have seen smoke coming out my ears at reading of Robertson 's mean spirited , ignorant and ill - advised words . Things like this are what make me have less than warm fuzzy feelings about Christians and their interpretions of religion . I probably overall am not as negative of Christianity as I sometimes seem , but it is sure things like this that really rub me the wrong way . And give a poke in the eye to the truth . Mystery author Lisa Scottoline has recently come out with a book of funny columns she 's written over the years that have absolutely nothing to do with mysteries . Instead , she talks about her life ( The book 's name is Why My Third Husband Will Be A Dog . ) Her fourth essay is what I want to talk about today . In it she makes some especially pertinent remarks about women 's aging feet , toes and toenails . She talks about calluses , hardening of the toenails , and finally she says , " What 's up with our little toe ? Do you even have a little toe anymore ? What happens to the little toe when we get older ? . . . The saddest thing about the little toe is the littlest toenail . Can you even see yours , ladies ? " From start to finish she has written the story of my aging feet . I have always had trouble with my feet - not so much that they hurt but that they are awfully ugly . A few years ago during one of the hot summer months I was standing in front of the glass doors at a library waiting , along with ten or twelve other people , for it to open . Reflected in the doors I noticed a woman 's feet who should NEVER have worn sandals with toes like hers . A bunion on each foot had pushed each of her big toes in opposite directions ( one going east and one west , of course ) and her little toes were all mushed up against the other four and disappeared under them . I hate myself when I 'm critical of other women who don 't dress in a way I consider appropriate for their age . But I suddenly realized that those very ugly reflected feet were mine ! I was mortified ! I don 't wear sandals any more . A doctor once said my feet were in the condition they were because my mother bought my shoes too small when I was a kid . I was miffed . My mother was exceptionally careful with my feet . I wore sturdy brown shoes far longer than any other kid on the block . My baby book is peppered with me in sturdy shoes . From an early age , my mother always took me to the Buster Brown shoe store in downtown Long Beach where a fluoroscope was used to help make sure I goPosted by I really do not have time to follow certain blogs the way I wish I could . But one I try not to miss is The Food Museum blog . " Foodie " has lots to say about things edible and cookable all around the world . Her blog is always interesting and often surprising . Recently she posted a video on the making of candy canes . It surprised the daylights out of me and I think is worth passing on . Thanks to " Foodie " for such good stuff . Posted by I have always liked to have a " Thought ( or Inspiration ) for the Day " book on hand to read first thing in the morning . I think this probably came from having " morning devotions " during the years I was involved in church doings . I especially like uplifting little homilies upon which I can reflect during the day and hold on to if the going gets rough . Toward the end of each year I start nosing around for just the right book . However , I have to confess that I must be very hard to inspire , because I 'll be danged if I can find books that suit me . What looked good yesterday seems never to be followed by what looks good today . After a couple of miss - fits , I usually just throw up my hands , toss the book aside ( unless it is a library book , in which case I return it ) , and forget it for another year . This year I found a book that offered daily reflections using " contemporary spirituality " and since I am not totally averse to things spiritual I figured I 'd give this one a try . Days 1 through 8 have gone fairly well , although none of the words for the day have been particularly soul - grabbing , but I have to tell you Day 9 caused me to snort in disagreement . I 've never snorted before over anything purported to be inspirational , but there is always a first time . The first words on Day 9 that didn 't set right was a quote from Dr . Mickey Mouse , complete with quotation marks . Right off the bat my eyebrows went up . If the writer had said Dr . Albert Einstein I might have reacted differently , but I decided I 'd make allowances for that cutesy bit because the quotation had to do with aging . I figured I could use all the help I could get . I simply tried not to think I was being patronized . Then good old Dr . Mouse said we have to play , which is not an auspicious continuation ! As if to add authenticity to Dr . Mouse 's quote , the writer goes on to say mice are often used in tests because they have much the same DNA as humans . Dr . Mouse says studies show that old mice like to do fun things like running on wheels , and becauseBobby Dobbins Title Many of you know that I 'm on a mission to move out some of my " things " - that is , things that I can part with - so my little apartment won 't look so cluttered . I 'm now having to decide if I should keep or give away " Joe the Turk . " I worked for The Salvation Army twice in my working career . The first time was from 1968 to 1971 . I was hired as secretary for the Ontario ( California ) Corps ( church ) . As you know , the Salvation Army has many programs to help the needy in the community , and within a few months after I started work the welfare counselor quit . Captain Chet Danielson asked me to take on that job and he would hire a new secretary . I did , and he did . Then in 1994 , the very week of the big Northridge earthquake , I was hired as secretary at the Anaheim Salvation Army Adult Rehab Center , where I worked until I retired in June of 2000 . From those two stints with " Sally Ann , " as The Salvation Army is fondly called , I learned lots of the history of the organization . One of the most unusual things I learned about was " Joe the Turk . " There was a real Joe , and he was born in 1860 in Turkey but of Christian Armenian parents . His given name , however , was Nishan Der Garabedian . At age 17 he decided to come to the US to work with his brother as a shoemaker , but in his travels to get here he kept seeing the early Salvation Army members being mistreated as they took the gospel to the streets , and always he came to their aid . Calling himself " Joe , " ultimately he threw his lot in with the Salvationists , and cornet in hand he began preaching on the streets . He himself was tossed into jail any number of times . Evangelizing on street corners was not looked upon kindly by the authoritiesAccording to the website http : / / www . salvationarmysouth . org / turk . htm " A landmark decision in 1893 in Wisconsin by the supreme court [ in ] The State ex rel . Garrabad ( sic ) versus Dering declared as unconstitutional a law which caused the arrest of Joe for playing his cornet in the street . He was eventually appointed evanPosted by Throughout my adult life one of my best sources for yummy food has been pot lucks . Rarely have I been turned down when I 've eaten something absolutely wonderful and asked for the recipe . This recipe came from a pot luck held at the old Tustin ( CA ) Community Hospital back in the mid 1980s when I was sent there on a three - month assignment by a temporary agency . It was a small hospital and I was in the accounting department . I don 't remember what the pot luck was celebrating , but I had been there long enough to be invited to it . ( I wasn 't so lucky on some of the assignments I was sent on . One time I was sent out to cover the phones while a big party was held in a small company . I sat at a desk manning a phone through a 2 - 1 / 2 hour party without being offered as much as a drink of water ! ) But at the Tustin pot luck , when I tasted this cake , which truly did look like an earthquake had totally destroyed it , I knew I just had to have the recipe . The cake maker graciously shared it with me and I have made the cake often through the years since that time . There are dozens of this same recipe posted on the internet , so I assume when it originated it came from a printed source in a magazine or some such place . But for me it 's source will always be connected to that little potluck at the hospital in Tustin ! EARTHQUAKE CAKE 1 cup flaked coconut 1 cup chopped pecans 1 box ( 2 layers ) German Chocolate cake mix 1 stick margarine , softened 1 8 - ounce pack cream cheese , softened 1 pound powdered sugar 1 teaspoon vanilla extract Grease bottom of 9 " x13 " or 11 " x15 " pan . Set oven at 350 degrees . Spread coconut on bottom of pan , then pecans . Prepare cake mix and pour batter over coconut and nuts . DO NOT MIX ! Mix butter , cream cheese , powdered sugar and vanilla . Drop mixture by spoonsful on top of batter . Do not stir or mix . Bake 45 - 50 minutes . Cool . Drizzle with melted chocolate or serve as is . Serves 10 . You can always tell who " newbies " in genealogy are because of their insistence of the " right " spelling of their name . Those of us who have been researching for a long time understand that although our name may be McCammon now , two generations back our family might have used the name MacCammon , or McCummin , or Cummings . . . . one just never knows . Strange things happen to names in genealogy . All we can be sure of is the spelling of our own name . We genealogists are so dependent on indexes . And if we don 't find a name we are looking for , we get really agitated . Often times the name really is there , but we just don 't recognize it . Here 's an example : A bunch of government reports were created by on - the - scene inquirers who were attempting to get the facts right about the " bloody Kansas " period . These reports were taken down by hand and at some point retyped and put into print . There was no index made at the time . Later - about 1980 or so - a fellow decided to index them , which was a wonderful gift to genealogists and to me personally . I had a family who lived through that time and reports from a number of family members were taken . The name as it came down to my great - grandmother was Corel . However , we know that her father William and his brother Joshua both used a variation of Corel . Our William was Corel and Joshua was Corell . Who knows which is right - that is , who changed it ? We will never know , but in researching we have to be open to the fact that our name may not always have been what we think it was . Anyway , in this wonderful index I found my family listed as follows : Corel , Correll , Corell , Carroll , Carol , Corl , Curl , Carll , Care , Carles , Carl and Coral . What does this prove ? First of all , on behalf of indexers please don 't blame an indexer for making a mistake in reading a name . The difficulty usually starts with the person who wrote the name in the first place ! Anyway , never discount a name because it is spelled or sounds differently from what you think it should . Now if you don 't find the name you are looking fPosted by We all know something about the Eiffel Tower , about Buffalo Bill and the Indians and Annie Oakley , about artists Van Gogh and Gauguin , and inventor Thomas Edison . But a remarkable book , Eiffel 's Tower & the World 's Fair : where Buffalo Bill Beguiled Paris , the Artists Quarreled , & Thomas Edison Became a Count ! , brings them all together in one place at one time . And that one place was the 1889 World 's Fair in Paris . Author Jill Jonnes ' research and storytelling skills turn those isolated facts into a wonderful story . I can 't remember when I had such fun learning things . Yes , it is a history book but more of a social history . My husband , an engineer , kept his cool every time I interrupted him to say , " Listen to this " - and then I 'd read to him about struts and girts and angles and all kinds of engineering things that Jonnes ' story made totally fascinating . But the story is less about steel and engineering than about people . I read how people could , and couldn 't , bring themselves to go up to the various levels of the tower and what happened when they tried . I read all about the artists squabbling over exhibition space and getting recognition and , yes , the arguing over whose paintings are the most relevant and deserving . I read about Annie Oakley charming the socks off the Parisians . And her terrible childhood , which I 'd never heard of before . I heard about the Indians in Buffalo Bill 's Wild West show who refused to be bullied by the U . S . into signing a document giving away land in the Dakotas given them by the U . S . in the first place . They insisted that the government let the tribe members who were then living on the land do the signing . And they refused to budge in their position , in spite of a lot of arm - twisting . I learned about Gustave Eiffel stopping midstream in building the Tower to get involved with helping out another engineer who was having problems building the Panama Canal . There was not one single page in this book that didn 't have something surprising , something new , something intePosted by 6 . A humble pastor - C . J . B . HarrisonPastor Harrison , graduate of Cambridge University and a former Anglican minister , was teaching at a monthly home bible study in Riverside when we first met him in 1965 . As we sat under his ministry both there and at Westmoreland Chapel in LA , he modeled for us what a church and a pastor could be . He was a breath of fresh air in the Christian world . 7 . The woman who changed my world - Betty Friedan . With her 1963 seminal book , The Feminine Mystique , she was central to the reshaping of American attitudes toward women 's lives and rights . When I read her book I saw myself on her pages and saw all kinds of possibilities . I believe my own daughters have been the true beneficiaries of this brave , creative and daring woman . 8 . The man who took a chance on me - Dick McDaniel . A time in my life came when I needed to be able to support myself , which meant a job that paid a whole lot more than I was presently getting at a tiny secretarial service . I knew I was smart , and I knew I could type fast and well . But with no experience to speak of , I was scared stiff . Responding to an ad in a local paper , I applied for a job as executive secretary . I took a typing test and was then interviewed by the man who needed the secretary . At the conclusion of the interview he acknowledged that I was very inexperienced but he said , " I am going to hire you before you are snapped up by someone else . " My life changed in that very moment . 9 . The boss who showed me what management was - Major Oliver Stenvick . During the four years I worked for Major Stenvick prior to his retirement from The Salvation Army , I did not think I was learning much . He was a tough boss , with high expectations and many demands . He was a hands - on boss and worked as hard as any of his employees . I did my clerical stuff and he did his managing . But when a new inexperienced boss replaced him , I realized just how much I had learned from Major Stenvick . I knew what to do and how to effect it . I took it upon myself to simply insurePosted by At the beginning of each new year the newspapers ( and now the internet ) is rife with " Recaps " - 10 resolutions , 10 best songs , 10 deaths , top 10 books , 10 funny happenings , 10 new inventions … . whatever you think of , there can be a list of 10 best or 10 worst , etc . And so it made me think of my own personal " 10 " list of something - and at least for this first one I decided to think about the 10 people who most impacted my life . Surprising to me was that I didn 't have to mull over this list as I anticipated doing ; instead , the names came rolling out of my brain as if they were just standing there waiting to be written . So I 'll go with those ten , and tell you a little about why they are there . They are in no particular order of importance but more reflect the periods in my life . 1 . My father , Scott Dobbins It was my father who imprinted on my life a work ethic which I adopted for myself and which I expected of husbands . My dad was the first person at work each day and the last to leave . He took responsibility for his job and his family . He always gave 100 % and expected it of others . But instead of making him a tyrant , he treated his employees with kindness , and on his 90th birthday some of those employees came to his party and honored him with their expressions of love and gratitude . He was one to emulate , that 's for sure . 2 . My High School 10th grade English Teacher - Eleanor WeihermanMiss Weiherman opened up the world of literature to me . In her class , among other things we were introduced to Silas Marner , A Tale of Two Cities , Julius Caesar , Moby Dick , a play called On Borrowed Time and poetry . We studied grammar too , but it was in reading and discussing these books that I learned there was more than science fiction books sitting on library shelves , which up until that time was my genre of choice . She moved me along the spectrum . For that I am grateful . 3 . My Journalism Teacher in high school - Gary Lynes . His constant praising of my work , recalled in my memory and reflected in my report cardPosted by Read on the Internet : " Farmers have long been trying to get cows to produce more milk . Finally , this year , scientists at England 's Newcastle University gave us a solution : talk to the animals . " Researchers Peter Rowlinson and Catherine Douglas studied the practices at 500 dairy farms and found that cows with names produced one to two pints of milk more a day than cows that weren 't given names . " ' Even if a herdsman gave a cow a number instead of a name , that cow just seemed to be more agitated around milking time , ' said Rowlinson . ' It just seems that cows with names are happier cows . ' [ Now the use of the word " agitated " must signify a positive happening , not a negative one , which I think is what happens when I get agitated . ] But it 's not only cows that are getting happy . I know that for a long time people have thought plants grow better if you talk to them . Back in 1848 there was a German academic , Gustav Fechner , who believed that plants , like people , had emotions and the best thing you could do for your plants was to give them lots of verbal attention . He wrote a book about the soul - life of plants . And even Luther Burbank , who worked wonders with plants , wrote in one of his books that plants may not understand the spoken word but they were capable of telepathically understanding the meaning of speech . Without trying to be negative , I must say I know Thomas Edison had some loopy ideas about how our bodies work , and I think I might put these people right up there beside ol ' Edison . And I 'm sure all of you have heard of Dr . Masaru Emoto who teaches that saying nice words to water will make it happy and saying bad words to it will make it sad . ( That is the nonbeliever 's synthesis of his work ; there truly are a lot of believers , but I 'm not one of them . ) All I can say is that I feel the same way when spoken to nicely . Now for 2010 I propose that we all talk nice to everybody and everything , whether we believe these guys or not . It may or may not have the same effect it has on cows and flowers aPosted by 1 . I will reread a book that I loved as a child . 2 . I will finally read that classic from high school that I 've been avoiding . 3 . I will find a book of poetry and read some aloud . 4 . I will spend an hour in aimless browsing at a library . 5 . I will read a book written in the year I was born6 . I will create a journal and keep notes about the books and magazines read . 7 . I will assemble a list of my favorite people and send them my ideas about books ( favorites , recent reads , and the like ) 8 . I will read a book to a child . 9 . I will gather a few friends and read a play out loud10 . I will read a book on the history of my town . 11 . I will read a book written from a political point of view totally opposite my own . 12 . I will read a book about a place I 've never been . 13 . I will reread a book that I just didn 't " get " when I was eighteen . 14 . I will read a book written by a non - American . Adapted from a list created by Camille DelVecchio , Penfield ( NY ) Public Library
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